diff options
Diffstat (limited to '4092-h/4092-h.htm')
| -rw-r--r-- | 4092-h/4092-h.htm | 17955 |
1 files changed, 17955 insertions, 0 deletions
diff --git a/4092-h/4092-h.htm b/4092-h/4092-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..67a2d2e --- /dev/null +++ b/4092-h/4092-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,17955 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Strict//EN" +"http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-strict.dtd"> +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml" xml:lang="en" lang="en"> +<head> +<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html;charset=utf-8" /> +<meta http-equiv="Content-Style-Type" content="text/css" /> +<title>The Project Gutenberg eBook of The Monikins, by J. Fenimore Cooper</title> + +<style type="text/css" xml:space="preserve"> + +body { margin-left: 20%; + margin-right: 20%; + text-align: justify; } + +h1, h2, h3, h4, h5 {text-align: center; font-style: normal; font-weight: +normal; line-height: 1.5; margin-top: .5em; margin-bottom: .5em;} + +h1 {font-size: 300%; + margin-top: 0.6em; + margin-bottom: 0.6em; + letter-spacing: 0.12em; + word-spacing: 0.2em; + text-indent: 0em;} +h2 {font-size: 150%; margin-top: 2em; margin-bottom: 1em;} +h3 {font-size: 130%; margin-top: 1em;} +h4 {font-size: 120%;} +h5 {font-size: 110%;} + +.no-break {page-break-before: avoid;} /* for epubs */ + +div.chapter {page-break-before: always; margin-top: 4em;} + +hr {width: 80%; margin-top: 2em; margin-bottom: 2em;} + +p {text-indent: 1em; + margin-top: 0.25em; + margin-bottom: 0.25em; } + +a:link {color:blue; text-decoration:none} +a:visited {color:blue; text-decoration:none} +a:hover {color:red} + +</style> +</head> +<body> + +<div style='text-align:center; font-size:1.2em; font-weight:bold'>The Project Gutenberg eBook of The Monikins, by J. Fenimore Cooper</div> +<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and +most other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions +whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms +of the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online +at <a href="https://www.gutenberg.org">www.gutenberg.org</a>. If you +are not located in the United States, you will have to check the laws of the +country where you are located before using this eBook. +</div> +<div style='display:block; margin-top:1em; margin-bottom:1em; margin-left:2em; text-indent:-2em'>Title: The Monikins</div> +<div style='display:block; margin-top:1em; margin-bottom:1em; margin-left:2em; text-indent:-2em'>Author: J. Fenimore Cooper</div> +<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'>Release Date: November 24, 2001 [eBook #4092]<br /> +[Most recently updated: November 17, 2022]</div> +<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'>Language: English</div> +<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'>Character set encoding: UTF-8</div> +<div style='display:block; margin-left:2em; text-indent:-2em'>Produced by: Charles Franks, David Widger and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team</div> +<div style='margin-top:2em; margin-bottom:4em'>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE MONIKINS ***</div> + +<h1>The Monikins</h1> + +<h2 class="no-break">By J. Fenimore Cooper</h2> + +<hr /> + +<div class="chapter"> + +<h2>CONTENTS</h2> + +<table summary="" style=""> + +<tr> +<td> <a href="#link2H_INTR">INTRODUCTION.</a></td> +</tr> + +<tr> +<td> <a href="#link2H_4_0002"><b>THE MONIKINS.</b></a></td> +</tr> + +<tr> +<td> <a href="#link2HCH0001">CHAPTER I. THE AUTHOR’S PEDIGREE,—ALSO THAT OF HIS FATHER</a></td> +</tr> + +<tr> +<td> <a href="#link2HCH0002">CHAPTER II. TOUCHING MYSELF AND TEN THOUSAND POUNDS</a></td> +</tr> + +<tr> +<td> <a href="#link2HCH0003">CHAPTER III. OPINIONS OF OUR AUTHOR’S ANCESTOR, TOGETHER WITH SOME OF HIS OWN, AND SOME OF OTHER PEOPLE’S</a></td> +</tr> + +<tr> +<td> <a href="#link2HCH0004">CHAPTER IV. SHOWING THE UPS AND DOWNS, THE HOPES AND FEARS, AND THE VAGARIES OF LOVE, SOME VIEWS OF DEATH, AND AN ACCOUNT OF AN INHERITANCE</a></td> +</tr> + +<tr> +<td> <a href="#link2HCH0005">CHAPTER V. ABOUT THE SOCIAL-STAKE SYSTEM, THE DANGERS OF CONCENTRATION, AND OTHER MORAL AND IMMORAL CURIOSITIES</a></td> +</tr> + +<tr> +<td> <a href="#link2HCH0006">CHAPTER VI. A THEORY OF PALPABLE SUBLIMITY—SOME PRACTICAL IDEAS, AND THE COMMENCEMENT OF ADVENTURES</a></td> +</tr> + +<tr> +<td> <a href="#link2HCH0007">CHAPTER VII. TOUCHING AN AMPHIBIOUS ANIMAL, A SPECIAL INTRODUCTION, AND ITS CONSEQUENCES</a></td> +</tr> + +<tr> +<td> <a href="#link2HCH0008">CHAPTER VIII. AN INTRODUCTION TO FOUR NEW CHARACTERS, SOME TOUCHES OF PHILOSOPHY, AND A FEW CAPITAL THOUGHTS ON POLITICAL ECONOMY</a></td> +</tr> + +<tr> +<td> <a href="#link2HCH0009">CHAPTER IX. THE COMMENCEMENT OF WONDERS, WHICH ARE THE MORE EXTRAORDINARY ON ACCOUNT OF THEIR TRUTH</a></td> +</tr> + +<tr> +<td> <a href="#link2HCH0010">CHAPTER X. A GREAT DEAL OF NEGOTIATION, IN WHICH HUMAN SHREWDNESS IS COMPLETELY SHAMED, AND HUMAN INGENUITY IS SHOWN TO BE OF A VERY SECONDARY QUALITY</a></td> +</tr> + +<tr> +<td> <a href="#link2HCH0011">CHAPTER XI. A PHILOSOPHY THAT IS BOTTOMED ON SOMETHING SUBSTANTIAL—SOME REASONS PLAINLY PRESENTED, AND CAVILLING OBJECTIONS PUT TO FLIGHT BY A CHARGE OF LOGICAL BAYONETS.</a></td> +</tr> + +<tr> +<td> <a href="#link2HCH0012">CHAPTER XII. BETTER AND BETTER—A HIGHER FLIGHT OF REASON—MORE OBVIOUS TRUTHS, DEEPER PHILOSOPHY, AND FACTS THAT EVEN AN OSTRICH MIGHT DIGEST</a></td> +</tr> + +<tr> +<td> <a href="#link2HCH0013">CHAPTER XIII. A CHAPTER OF PREPARATIONS—DISCRIMINATION IN CHARACTER—A TIGHT FIT, AND OTHER CONVENIENCES, WITH SOME JUDGMENT</a></td> +</tr> + +<tr> +<td> <a href="#link2HCH0014">CHAPTER XIV. HOW TO STEER SMALL—HOW TO RUN THE GAUNTLET WITH A SHIP—HOW TO GO CLEAR—A NEW-FASHIONED SCREW—DOCK, AND CERTAIN MILE-STONES</a></td> +</tr> + +<tr> +<td> <a href="#link2HCH0015">CHAPTER XV. AN ARRIVAL—FORMS OF RECEPTION—SEVERAL NEW CHRISTENINGS—AN OFFICIAL DOCUMENT, AND TERRA FIRMA</a></td> +</tr> + +<tr> +<td> <a href="#link2HCH0016">CHAPTER XVI. AN INN—DEBTS PAID IN ADVANCE, AND A SINGULAR TOUCH OF HUMAN NATURE FOUND CLOSELY INCORPORATED WITH MONIKIN NATURE</a></td> +</tr> + +<tr> +<td> <a href="#link2HCH0017">CHAPTER XVII. NEW LORDS, NEW LAWS—GYRATION, ROTATION, AND ANOTHER NATION; ALSO AN INVITATION</a></td> +</tr> + +<tr> +<td> <a href="#link2HCH0018">CHAPTER XVIII. A COURT, A COURT-DRESS, AND A COURTIER—JUSTICE IN VARIOUS ASPECTS, AS WELL AS HONOR</a></td> +</tr> + +<tr> +<td> <a href="#link2HCH0019">CHAPTER XIX. ABOUT THE HUMILITY OF PROFESSIONAL SAINTS, A SUCCESSION OF TAILS, A BRIDE AND BRIDEGROOM, AND OTHER HEAVENLY MATTERS, DIPLOMACY INCLUDED</a></td> +</tr> + +<tr> +<td> <a href="#link2HCH0020">CHAPTER XX. A VERY COMMON CASE: OR A GREAT DEAL OF LAW, AND VERY LITTLE JUSTICE—HEADS AND TAILS, WITH THE DANGERS OF EACH</a></td> +</tr> + +<tr> +<td> <a href="#link2HCH0021">CHAPTER XXI. BETTER AND BETTER—MORE LAW AND MORE JUSTICE—TAILS AND HEADS: THE IMPORTANCE OF KEEPING EACH IN ITS PROPER PLACE</a></td> +</tr> + +<tr> +<td> <a href="#link2HCH0022">CHAPTER XXII. A NEOPHYTE IN DIPLOMACY—DIPLOMATIC INTRODUCTION—A CALCULATION—A SHIPMENT OF OPINIONS—HOW TO CHOOSE AN INVOICE, WITH AN ASSORTMENT</a></td> +</tr> + +<tr> +<td> <a href="#link2HCH0023">CHAPTER XXIII. POLITICAL BOUNDARIES—POLITICAL RIGHTS—POLITICAL SELECTIONS, AND POLITICAL DISQUISITIONS; WITH POLITICAL RESULTS</a></td> +</tr> + +<tr> +<td> <a href="#link2HCH0024">CHAPTER XXIV. AN ARRIVAL—AN ELECTION—ARCHITECTURE—A ROLLING-PIN, AND PATRIOTISM OF THE MOST APPROVED WATER</a></td> +</tr> + +<tr> +<td> <a href="#link2HCH0025">CHAPTER XXV. A FUNDAMENTAL PRINCIPLE, A FUNDAMENTAL LAW, AND A FUNDAMENTAL ERROR</a></td> +</tr> + +<tr> +<td> <a href="#link2HCH0026">CHAPTER XXVI. HOW TO ENACT LAWS—ORATORY, LOGIC, AND ELOQUENCE; ALL CONSIDERED IN THEIR EVERY-DAY ASPECTS</a></td> +</tr> + +<tr> +<td> <a href="#link2HCH0027">CHAPTER XXVII. AN EFFECT OF LOGARITHMS ON MORALS—AN OBSCURATION, A DISSERTATION, AND A CALCULATION</a></td> +</tr> + +<tr> +<td> <a href="#link2HCH0028">CHAPTER XXVIII. THE IMPORTANCE OF MOTIVES TO A LEGISLATOR—MORAL CONSECUTIVENESS, COMETS, KITES, AND A CONVOY; WITH SOME EVERY-DAY LEGISLATION; TOGETHER WITH CAUSE AND EFFECT.</a></td> +</tr> + +<tr> +<td> <a href="#link2HCH0029">CHAPTER XXIX. SOME EXPLANATIONS—A HUMAN APPETITE—A DINNER AND A BONNE BOUCHE</a></td> +</tr> + +<tr> +<td> <a href="#link2HCH0030">CHAPTER XXX. EXPLANATIONS—A LEAVE-TAKING—LOVE—CONFESSIONS, BUT NO PENITENCE</a></td> +</tr> + +</table> + +<hr /> + +</div><!--end chapter--> + +<div class="chapter"> + +<h2><a name="link2H_INTR"></a> +INTRODUCTION.</h2> + +<p> +It is not improbable that some of those who read this book, may feel a wish to +know in what manner I became possessed of the manuscript. Such a desire is too +just and natural to be thwarted, and the tale shall be told as briefly as +possible. +</p> + +<p> +During the summer of 1828, while travelling among those valleys of Switzerland +which lie between the two great ranges of the Alps, and in which both the Rhone +and the Rhine take their rise, I had passed from the sources of the latter to +those of the former river, and had reached that basin in the mountains that is +so celebrated for containing the glacier of the Rhone, when chance gave me one +of those rare moments of sublimity and solitude, which are the more precious in +the other hemisphere from their infrequency. On every side the view was bounded +by high and ragged mountains, their peaks glittering near the sun, while +directly before me, and on a level with the eye, lay that miraculous frozen +sea, out of whose drippings the Rhone starts a foaming river, to glance away to +the distant Mediterranean. For the first time, during a pilgrimage of years, I +felt alone with nature in Europe. Alas! the enjoyment, as all such enjoyments +necessarily are amid the throngs of the old world, was short and treacherous. A +party came round the angle of a rock, along the narrow bridle-path, in single +file; two ladies on horseback, followed by as many gentlemen on foot, and +preceded by the usual guide. It was but small courtesy to rise and salute the +dove-like eyes and blooming cheeks of the former, as they passed. They were +English, and the gentlemen appeared to recognize me as a countryman. One of the +latter stopped, and politely inquired if the passage of the Furca was +obstructed by snow. He was told not, and in return for the information said +that I would find the Grimsel a little ticklish; “but,” he added, smiling, “the +ladies succeeded in crossing, and you will scarcely hesitate.” I thought I +might get over a difficulty that his fair companions had conquered. He then +told me Sir Herbert Taylor was made adjutant-general, and wished me good +morning. +</p> + +<p> +I sat reflecting on the character, hopes, pursuits, and interests of man, for +an hour, concluding that the stranger was a soldier, who let some of the +ordinary workings of his thoughts overflow in this brief and casual interview. +To resume my solitary journey, cross the Rhone, and toil my way up the rugged +side of the Grimsel, consumed two more hours, and glad was I to come in view of +the little chill-looking sheet of water on its summit, which is called the Lake +of the Dead. The path was filled with snow, at a most critical point, where, +indeed, a misplaced footstep might betray the incautious to their destruction. +A large party on the other side appeared fully aware of the difficulty, for it +had halted, and was in earnest discussion with the guide, touching the +practicability of passing. It was decided to attempt the enterprise. First came +a female of one of the sweetest, serenest countenances I had ever seen. She, +too, was English; and though she trembled, and blushed, and laughed at herself, +she came on with spirit, and would have reached my side in safety, had not an +unlucky stone turned beneath a foot that was much too pretty for those wild +hills. I sprang forward, and was so happy as to save her from destruction. She +felt the extent of the obligation, and expressed her thanks modestly but with +fervor. In a minute we were joined by her husband, who grasped my hand with +warm feeling, or rather with the emotion one ought to feel who had witnessed +the risk he had just run of losing an angel. The lady seemed satisfied at +leaving us together. +</p> + +<p> +“You are an Englishman?” said the stranger. +</p> + +<p> +“An American.” +</p> + +<p> +“An American! This is singular—will you pardon a question?—You have more than +saved my life—you have probably saved my reason—will you pardon a question?—Can +money serve you?” +</p> + +<p> +I smiled, and told him, odd as it might appear to him, that though an American, +I was a gentleman. He appeared embarrassed, and his fine face worked, until I +began to pity him, for it was evident he wished to show me in some way, how +much he felt he was my debtor, and yet he did not know exactly what to propose. +</p> + +<p> +“We may meet again,” I said, squeezing his hand. +</p> + +<p> +“Will you receive my card?” +</p> + +<p> +“Most willingly.” +</p> + +<p> +He put “Viscount Householder” into my hand, and in return I gave him my own +humble appellation. +</p> + +<p> +He looked from the card to me, and from me to the card, and some agreeable idea +appeared to flash upon his mind. +</p> + +<p> +“Shall you visit Geneva this summer?” he asked, earnestly. +</p> + +<p> +“Within a month.” +</p> + +<p> +“Your address—” +</p> + +<p> +“Hotel de l’Ecu.” +</p> + +<p> +“You shall hear from me. Adieu.” +</p> + +<p> +We parted, he, his lovely wife, and his guides descending to the Rhone, while I +pursued my way to the Hospice of the Grimsel. Within the month I received a +large packet at l’Ecu. It contained a valuable diamond ring, with a request +that I would wear it, as a memorial of Lady Householder, and a fairly written +manuscript. The following short note explained the wishes of the writer: +</p> + +<p> +“Providence brought us together for more purposes than were at first apparent. +I have long hesitated about publishing the accompanying narrative, for in +England there is a disposition to cavil at extraordinary facts, but the +distance of America from my place of residence will completely save me from +ridicule. The world must have the truth, and I see no better means than by +resorting to your agency. All I ask is, that you will have the book fairly +printed, and that you will send one copy to my address, Householder Hall, +Dorsetshire, Eng., and another to Captain Noah Poke, Stonington, Conn., in your +own country. My Anna prays for you, and is ever your friend. Do not forget us. +</p> + +<p> +“Yours, most faithfully,” +</p> + +<p> +“HOUSEHOLDER.” +</p> + +<p> +I have rigidly complied with this request, and having sent the two copies +according to direction, the rest of the edition is at the disposal of any one +who may feel an inclination to pay for it. In return for the copy sent to +Stonington, I received the following letter: +</p> + +<p> +“ON BOARD THE DERBY AND DOLLY, “STONNIN’TUN, April 1st, 1835. +</p> + +<p> +“AUTHOR OF THE SPY, ESQUIRE: +</p> + +<p> +“Dear Sir:—Your favor is come to hand, and found me in good health, as I hope +these few lines will have the same advantage with you. I have read the book, +and must say there is some truth in it, which, I suppose, is as much as befalls +any book, the Bible, the Almanac, and the State Laws excepted. I remember Sir +John well, and shall gainsay nothing he testifies to, for the reason that +friends should not contradict each other. I was also acquainted with the four +Monikins he speaks of, though I knew them by different names. Miss Poke says +she wonders if it’s all true, which I wunt tell her, seeing that a little +unsartainty makes a woman rational. As to my navigating without geometry, thats +a matter that wasn’t worth booking, for it’s no curiosity in these parts, +bating a look at the compass once or twice a day, and so I take my leave of +you, with offers to do any commission for you among the Sealing Islands, for +which I sail to-morrow, wind and weather permitting. +</p> + +<p> +“Yours to sarve, NOAH POKE.” +</p> + +<p> +“To the Author of THE SPY, Esquire, ——— town, ——— county, York state. +</p> + +<p> +“P. S.—I always told Sir John to steer clear of too much journalizing, but he +did nothing but write, night and day, for a week; and as you brew, so you must +bake. The wind has chopped, and we shall take our anchor this tide; so no more +at present. +</p> + +<p> +“N. B.—Sir John is a little out about my eating the monkey, which I did, four +years before I fell in with him, down on the Spanish Main. It was not bad food +to the taste, but was wonderful narvous to the eye. I r’ally thought I had got +hold of Miss Poke’s youngest born.” +</p> + +<hr /> + +</div><!--end chapter--> + +<div class="chapter"> + +<h2><a name="link2H_4_0002"></a> +THE MONIKINS.</h2> + +</div><!--end chapter--> + +<div class="chapter"> + +<h2><a name="link2HCH0001"></a> +CHAPTER I.<br/> +THE AUTHOR’S PEDIGREE,—ALSO THAT OF HIS FATHER.</h2> + +<p> +The philosopher who broaches a new theory is bound to furnish, at least, some +elementary proofs of the reasonableness of his positions, and the historian who +ventures to record marvels that have hitherto been hid from human knowledge, +owes it to a decent regard to the opinions of others, to produce some credible +testimony in favor of his veracity. I am peculiarly placed in regard to these +two great essentials having little more than its plausibility to offer in favor +of my philosophy, and no other witness than myself to establish the important +facts that are now about to be laid before the reading world for the first +time. In this dilemma, I fully feel the weight of responsibility under which I +stand; for there are truths of so little apparent probability as to appear +fictitious, and fictions so like the truth that the ordinary observer is very +apt to affirm that he was an eye-witness to their existence: two facts that all +our historians would do well to bear in mind, since a knowledge of the +circumstances might spare them the mortification of having testimony that cost +a deal of trouble, discredited in the one case, and save a vast deal of painful +and unnecessary labor, in the other. Thrown upon myself, therefore, for what +the French call les pieces justificatives of my theories, as well as of my +facts, I see no better way to prepare the reader to believe me, than by giving +an unvarnished the result of the orange-woman’s application; for had my worthy +ancestor been subjected to the happy accidents and generous caprices of +voluntary charity, it is more than probable I should be driven to throw a veil +over those important years of his life that were notoriously passed in the +work-house, but which, in consequence of that occurrence, are now easily +authenticated by valid minutes and documentary evidence. Thus it is that there +exists no void in the annals of our family, even that period which is usually +remembered through gossiping and idle tales in the lives of most men, being +matter of legal record in that of my progenitor, and so continued to be down to +the day of his presumed majority, since he was indebted to a careful master the +moment the parish could with any legality, putting decency quite out of the +question, get rid of him. I ought to have said, that the orange-woman, taking a +hint from the sign of a butcher opposite to whose door my ancestor was found, +had very cleverly given him the name of Thomas Goldencalf. +</p> + +<p> +This second important transition in the affairs of my father, might be deemed a +presage of his future fortunes. He was bound apprentice to a trader in fancy +articles, or a shopkeeper who dealt in such objects as are usually purchased by +those who do not well know what to do with their money. This trade was of +immense advantage to the future prosperity of the young adventurer; for, in +addition to the known fact that they who amuse are much better paid than they +who instruct their fellow-creatures, his situation enabled him to study those +caprices of men, which, properly improved, are of themselves a mine of wealth, +as well as to gain a knowledge of the important truth that the greatest events +of this life are much oftener the result of impulse than of calculation. +</p> + +<p> +I have it by a direct tradition, orally conveyed from the lips of my ancestor, +that no one could be more lucky than himself in the character of his master. +This personage, who came, in time, to be my maternal grandfather, was one of +those wary traders who encourage others in their follies, with a view to his +own advantage, and the experience of fifty years had rendered him so expert in +the practices of his calling, that it was seldom he struck out a new vein in +his mine, without finding himself rewarded for the enterprise, by a success +that was fully equal to his expectations. +</p> + +<p> +“Tom,” he said one day to his apprentice, when time had produced confidence and +awakened sympathies between them, “thou art a lucky youth, or the parish +officer would never have brought thee to my door. Thou little knowest the +wealth that is in store for thee, or the treasures that are at thy command, if +thou provest diligent, and in particular faithful to my interests.” My +provident grandfather never missed an occasion to throw in a useful moral, +notwithstanding the general character of veracity that distinguished his +commerce. “Now, what dost think, lad, may be the amount of my capital?” +</p> + +<p> +My ancestor in the male line hesitated to reply, for, hitherto, his ideas had +been confined to the profits; never having dared to lift his thoughts as high +as that source from which he could not but see they flowed in a very ample +stream; but thrown upon himself by so unexpected a question, and being quick at +figures, after adding ten per cent. to the sum which he knew the last year had +given as the net avail of their joint ingenuity, he named the amount, in +answered to the interrogatory. +</p> + +<p> +My maternal grandfather laughed in the face of my direct lineal ancestor. +</p> + +<p> +“Thou judgest, Tom,” he said, when his mirth was a little abated, “by what thou +thinkest is the cost of the actual stock before thine eyes, when thou shouldst +take into the account that which I term our floating capital.” +</p> + +<p> +Tom pondered a moment, for while he knew that his master had money in the +funds, he did not account that as any portion of the available means connected +with his ordinary business; and as for a floating capital, he did not well see +how it could be of much account, since the disproportion between the cost and +the selling prices of the different articles in which they dealt was so great, +that there was no particular use in such an investment. As his master, however, +rarely paid for anything until he was in possession of returns from it that +exceeded the debt some seven-fold, he began to think the old man was alluding +to the advantages he obtained in the way of credit, and after a little more +cogitation, he ventured to say as much. +</p> + +<p> +Again my maternal grandfather indulged in a hearty fit of laughter. +</p> + +<p> +“Thou art clever in thy way, Tom,” he said, “and I like the minuteness of thy +calculations, for they show an aptitude for trade; but there is genius in our +calling as well as cleverness. Come hither, boy,” he added, drawing Tom to a +window whence they could see the neighbors on their way to church, for it was +on a Sunday that my two provident progenitors indulged in this moral view of +humanity, as best fitted the day, “come hither, boy, and thou shalt see some +small portion of that capital which thou seemest to think hid, stalking abroad +by daylight, and in the open streets. Here, thou seest the wife of our +neighbor, the pastry-cook; with what an air she tosses her head and displays +the bauble thou sold’st her yesterday: well, even that slattern, idle and vain, +and little worthy of trust as she is, carries about with her a portion of my +capital!” +</p> + +<p> +My worthy ancestor stared, for he never knew the other to be guilty of so great +an indiscretion as to trust a woman whom they both knew bought more than her +husband was willing to pay for. +</p> + +<p> +“She gave me a guinea, master, for that which did not cost a seven-shilling +piece!” +</p> + +<p> +“She did, indeed, Tom, and it was her vanity that urged her to it. I trade upon +her folly, younker, and upon that of all mankind; now dost thou see with what a +capital I carry on affairs? There—there is the maid, carrying the idle hussy’s +patterns in the rear; I drew upon my stock in that wench’s possession, no later +than the last week, for half-a-crown!” +</p> + +<p> +Tom reflected a long time on these allusions of his provident master, and +although he understood them about as well as they will be understood by the +owners of half the soft humid eyes and sprouting whiskers among my readers, by +dint of cogitation he came at last to a practical understanding of the subject, +which before he was thirty he had, to use a French term, pretty well exploite. +</p> + +<p> +I learn by unquestionable tradition, received also from the mouths of his +contemporaries, that the opinions of my ancestor underwent some material +changes between the ages of ten and forty, a circumstance that has often led me +to reflect that people might do well not to be too confident of the principles, +during the pliable period of life, when the mind, like the tender shoot, is +easily bent aside and subjected to the action of surrounding causes. +</p> + +<p> +During the earlier years of the plastic age, my ancestor was observed to betray +strong feelings of compassion at the sight of charity-children, nor was he ever +known to pass a child, especially a boy that was still in petticoats, who was +crying with hunger in the streets, without sharing his own crust with him. +Indeed, his practice on this head was said to be steady and uniform, whenever +the rencontre took place after my worthy father had had his own sympathies +quickened by a good dinner; a fact that maybe imputed to a keener sense of the +pleasure he was about to confer. +</p> + +<p> +After sixteen, he was known to converse occasionally on the subject of +politics, a topic on which he came to be both expert and eloquent before +twenty. His usual theme was justice and the sacred rights of man, concerning +which he sometimes uttered very pretty sentiments, and such as were altogether +becoming in one who was at the bottom of the great social pot that was then, as +now, actively boiling, and where he was made to feel most, the heat that kept +it in ebullition. I am assured that on the subject of taxation, and on that of +the wrongs of America and Ireland, there were few youths in the parish who +could discourse with more zeal and unction. About this time, too, he was heard +shouting “Wilkes and liberty!” in the public streets. +</p> + +<p> +But, as is the case with all men of rare capacities, there was a concentration +of powers in the mind of my ancestor, which soon brought all his errant +sympathies, the mere exuberance of acute and overflowing feelings, into a +proper and useful subjection, centring all in the one absorbing and capacious +receptacle of self. I do not claim for my father any peculiar quality in this +respect, for I have often observed that many of those who (like giddy-headed +horsemen that raise a great dust, and scamper as if the highway were too narrow +for their eccentric courses, before they are fairly seated in the saddle, but +who afterward drive as directly at their goals as the arrow parting from the +bow), most indulge their sympathies at the commencement of their careers, are +the most apt toward the close to get a proper command of their feelings, and to +reduce them within the bounds of common sense and prudence. Before +five-and-twenty, my father was as exemplary and as constant a devotee of Plutus +as was then to be found between Ratcliffe Highway and Bridge Street:—I name +these places in particular, as all the rest of the great capital in which he +was born is known to be more indifferent to the subject of money. +</p> + +<p> +My ancestor was just thirty, when his master, who like himself was a bachelor, +very unexpectedly, and a good deal to the scandal of the neighborhood, +introduced a new inmate into his frugal abode, in the person of an infant +female child. It would seem that some one had been speculating on his stock of +weakness too, for this poor, little, defenceless, and dependent being was +thrown upon his care, like Tom himself, through the vigilance of the parish +officers. There were many good-natured jokes practised on the prosperous +fancy-dealer, by the more witty of his neighbors, at this sudden turn of good +fortune, and not a few ill-natured sneers were given behind his back; most of +the knowing ones of the vicinity finding a stronger likeness between the little +girl and all the other unmarried men of the eight or ten adjoining streets, +than to the worthy housekeeper who had been selected to pay for her support. I +have been much disposed to admit the opinions of these amiable observers as +authority in my own pedigree, since it would be reaching the obscurity in which +all ancient lines take root, a generation earlier, than by allowing the +presumption that little Betsey was my direct male ancestor’s master’s daughter; +but, on reflection, I have determined to adhere to the less popular but more +simple version of the affair, because it is connected with the transmission of +no small part of our estate, a circumstance of itself that at once gives +dignity and importance to a genealogy. +</p> + +<p> +Whatever may have been the real opinion of the reputed father touching his +rights to the honors of that respectable title, he soon became as strongly +attached to the child, as if it really owed its existence to himself. The +little girl was carefully nursed, abundantly fed, and throve accordingly. She +had reached her third year, when the fancy-dealer took the smallpox from his +little pet, who was just recovering from the same disease, and died at the +expiration of the tenth day. +</p> + +<p> +This was an unlooked-for and stunning blow to my ancestor, who was then in his +thirty-fifth year and the head shopman of the establishment, which had +continued to grow with the growing follies and vanities of the age. On +examining his master’s will, it was found that my father, who had certainly +aided materially of late in the acquisition of the money, was left the +good-will of the shop, the command of all the stock at cost, and the sole +executorship of the estate. He was also intrusted with the exclusive +guardianship of little Betsey, to whom his master had affectionately devised +every farthing of his property. An ordinary reader may be surprised that a man +who had so long practised on the foibles of his species, should have so much +confidence in a mere shopman, as to leave his whole estate so completely in his +power; but, it must be remembered, that human ingenuity has not yet devised any +means by which we can carry our personal effects into the other world; that +“what cannot be cured must be endured”; that he must of necessity have confided +this important trust to some fellow-creature, and that it was better to commit +the keeping of his money to one who, knowing the secret by which it had been +accumulated, had less inducement to be dishonest, than one who was exposed to +the temptation of covetousness, without having a knowledge of any direct and +legal means of gratifying his longings. It has been conjectured, therefore, +that the testator thought, by giving up his trade to a man who was as keenly +alive as my ancestor to all its perfections, moral and pecuniary, he provided a +sufficient protection against his falling into the sin of peculation, by so +amply supplying him with simpler means of enriching himself. Besides, it is +fair to presume that the long acquaintance had begotten sufficient confidence +to weaken the effect of that saying which some wit has put into the mouth of a +wag, “Make me your executor, father; I care not to whom you leave the estate.” +Let all this be as it might, nothing can be more certain than that my worthy +ancestor executed his trust with the scrupulous fidelity of a man whose +integrity had been severely schooled in the ethics of trade. Little Betsey was +properly educated for one in her condition of life; her health was as carefully +watched over as if she had been the only daughter of the sovereign instead of +the only daughter of a fancy-dealer; her morals were superintended by a +superannuated old maid; her mind left to its original purity; her person +jealously protected against the designs of greedy fortune-hunters; and, to +complete the catalogue of his paternal attentions and solicitudes, my vigilant +and faithful ancestor, to prevent accidents, and to counteract the chances of +life, so far as it might be done by human foresight, saw that she was legally +married, the day she reached her nineteenth year, to the person whom, there is +every reason to think, he believed to be the most unexceptionable man of his +acquaintance—in other words, to himself. Settlements were unnecessary between +parties who had so long been known to each other, and, thanks to the liberality +of his late master’s will in more ways than one, a long minority, and the +industry of the ci-devant head shopman, the nuptial benediction was no sooner +pronounced, than our family stepped into the undisputed possession of four +hundred thousand pounds. One less scrupulous on the subject of religion and the +law, might not have thought it necessary to give the orphan heiress a +settlement so satisfactory, at the termination of her wardship. +</p> + +<p> +I was the fifth of the children who were the fruits of this union, and the only +one of them all that passed the first year of its life. My poor mother did not +survive my birth, and I can only record her qualities through the medium of +that great agent in the archives of the family, tradition. By all that I have +heard, she must have been a meek, quiet, domestic woman; who, by temperament +and attainments, was admirably qualified to second the prudent plans of my +father for her welfare. If she had causes of complaint, (and that she had, +there is too much reason to think, for who has ever escaped them?) they were +concealed, with female fidelity, in the sacred repository of her own heart; and +if truant imagination sometimes dimly drew an outline of married happiness +different from the fact that stood in dull reality before her eyes, the picture +was merely commented on by a sigh, and consigned to a cabinet whose key none +ever touched but herself, and she seldom. +</p> + +<p> +Of this subdued and unobtrusive sorrow, for I fear it sometimes reached that +intensity of feeling, my excellent and indefatigable ancestor appeared to have +no suspicion. He pursued his ordinary occupations with his ordinary +single-minded devotion, and the last thing that would have crossed his brain +was the suspicion that he had not punctiliously done his duty by his ward. Had +he acted otherwise, none surely would have suffered more by his delinquency +than her husband, and none would have a better right to complain. Now, as her +husband never dreamt of making such an accusation, it is not at all surprising +that my ancestor remained in ignorance of his wife’s feelings at the hour of +his death. +</p> + +<p> +It has been said that the opinions of the successor of the fancy-dealer +underwent some essential changes between the ages of ten and forty. After he +had reached his twenty-second year, or, in other words, the moment he began to +earn money for himself, as well as for his master, he ceased to cry “Wilkes and +liberty!” He was not heard to breathe a syllable concerning the obligations of +society toward the weak and unfortunate, for the five years that succeeded his +majority; he touched lightly on Christian duties in general, after he got to be +worth fifty pounds of his own; and as for railing at human follies, it would +have been rank ingratitude in one who so very unequivocally got his bread by +them. About this time, his remarks on the subject of taxation, however, were +singularly caustic, and well applied. He railed at the public debt, as a public +curse, and ominously predicted the dissolution of society, in consequence of +the burdens and incumbrances it was hourly accumulating on the already +overloaded shoulders of the trader. +</p> + +<p> +The period of his marriage and his succession to the hoardings of his former +master, may be dated as the second epocha in the opinions of my ancestor. From +this moment his ambition expanded, his views enlarged in proportion to his +means, and his contemplations on the subject of his great floating capital +became more profound and philosophical. A man of my ancestor’s native sagacity, +whose whole soul was absorbed in the pursuit of gain, who had so long been +forming his mind, by dealing as it were with the elements of human weaknesses, +and who already possessed four hundred thousand pounds, was very likely to +strike out for himself some higher road to eminence, than that in which he had +been laboriously journeying, during the years of painful probation. The +property of my mother had been chiefly invested in good bonds and mortgages; +her protector, patron, benefactor, and legalized father, having an +unconquerable repugnance to confiding in that soulless, conventional, +nondescript body corporate, the public. The first indication that was given by +my ancestor of a change of purpose in the direction of his energies, was by +calling in the whole of his outstanding debts, and adopting the Napoleon plan +of operations, by concentrating his forces on a particular point, in order that +he might operate in masses. About this time, too, he suddenly ceased railing at +taxation. This change may be likened to that which occurs in the language of +the ministerial journals, when they cease abusing any foreign state with whom +the nation has been carrying on a war, that it is, at length, believed politic +to terminate; and for much the same reason, as it was the intention of my +thrifty ancestor to make an ally of a power that he had hitherto always treated +as an enemy. The whole of the four hundred thousand pounds were liberally +intrusted to the country, the former fancy-dealer’s apprentice entering the +arena of virtuous and patriotic speculation, as a bull; and, if with more +caution, with at least some portion of the energy and obstinacy of the +desperate animal that gives title to this class of adventurers. Success crowned +his laudable efforts; gold rolled in upon him like water on a flood, buoying +him up, soul and body, to that enviable height, where, as it would seem, just +views can alone be taken of society in its innumerable phases. All his former +views of life, which, in common with others of a similar origin and similar +political sentiments, he had imbibed in early years, and which might with +propriety be called near views, were now completely obscured by the sublimer +and broader prospect that was spread before him. +</p> + +<p> +I am afraid the truth will compel me to admit, that my ancestor was never +charitable in the vulgar acceptation of the term; but then, he always +maintained that his interest in his fellow-creatures was of a more elevated +cast, taking a comprehensive glance at all the bearings of good and evil—being +of the sort of love which induces the parent to correct the child, that the +lesson of present suffering may produce the blessings of future respectability +and usefulness. Acting on these principles, he gradually grew more estranged +from his species in appearance, a sacrifice that was probably exacted by the +severity of his practical reproofs for their growing wickedness, and the +austere policy that was necessary to enforce them. By this time, my ancestor +was also thoroughly impressed with what is called the value of money; a +sentiment which, I believe, gives its possessor a livelier perception than +common of the dangers of the precious metals, as well as of their privileges +and uses. He expatiated occasionally on the guaranties that it was necessary to +give to society, for its own security; never even voted for a parish officer +unless he were a warm substantial citizen; and began to be a subscriber to the +patriotic fund, and to the other similar little moral and pecuniary buttresses +of the government, whose common and commendable object was, to protect our +country, our altars, and our firesides. +</p> + +<p> +The death-bed of my mother has been described to me as a touching and +melancholy scene. It appears that as this meek and retired woman was extricated +from the coil of mortality, her intellect grew brighter, her powers of +discernment stronger, and her character in every respect more elevated and +commanding. Although she had said much less about our firesides and altars than +her husband, I see no reason to doubt that she had ever been quite as faithful +as he could be to the one, and as much devoted to the other. I shall describe +the important event of her passage from this to a better world, as I have often +had it repeated from the lips of one who was present, and who has had an +important agency in since making me the man I am. This person was the clergyman +of the parish, a pious divine, a learned man, and a gentleman in feeling as +well as by extraction. +</p> + +<p> +My mother, though long conscious that she was drawing near to her last great +account, had steadily refused to draw her husband from his absorbing pursuits, +by permitting him to be made acquainted with her situation. He knew that she +was ill; very ill, as he had reason to think; but, as he not only allowed her, +but even volunteered to order her all the advice and relief that money could +command (my ancestor was not a miser in the vulgar meaning of the word), he +thought that he had done all that man could do, in a case of life and +death—interests over which he professed to have no control. He saw Dr. +Etherington, the rector, come and go daily, for a month, without uneasiness or +apprehension, for he thought his discourse had a tendency to tranquillize my +mother, and he had a strong affection for all that left him undisturbed, to the +enjoyment of the occupation in which his whole energies were now completely +centred. The physician got his guinea at each visit, with scrupulous +punctuality; the nurses were well received and were well satisfied, for no one +interfered with their acts but the doctor; and every ordinary duty of +commission was as regularly discharged by my ancestor, as if the sinking and +resigned creature from whom he was about to be forever separated had been the +spontaneous choice of his young and fresh affections. +</p> + +<p> +When, therefore, a servant entered to say that Dr. Etherington desired a +private interview, my worthy ancestor, who had no consciousness of having +neglected any obligation that became a friend of church and state, was in no +small measure surprised. +</p> + +<p> +“I come, Mr. Goldencalf, on a melancholy duty,” said the pious rector, entering +the private cabinet to which his application had for the first time obtained +his admission; “the fatal secret can no longer be concealed from you, and your +wife at length consents that I shall be the instrument of revealing it.” +</p> + +<p> +The Doctor paused; for on such occasions it is perhaps as well to let the party +that is about to be shocked receive a little of the blow through his own +imagination; and busily enough was that of my poor father said to be exercised +on this painful occasion. He grew pale, opened his eyes until they again filled +the sockets into which they had gradually been sinking for twenty years, and +looked a hundred questions that his tongue refused to put. +</p> + +<p> +“It cannot be, Doctor,” he at length querulously said, “that a woman like +Betsey has got an inkling into any of the events connected with the last great +secret expedition, and which have escaped my jealousy and experience?” +</p> + +<p> +“I am afraid, dear sir, that Mrs. Goldencalf has obtained glimpses of the last +great and secret expedition on which we must all, sooner or later, embark, that +have entirely escaped your vigilance. But of this I will speak some other time. +At present it is my painful duty to inform you it is the opinion of the +physician that your excellent wife cannot outlive the day, if, indeed, she do +the hour.” +</p> + +<p> +My father was struck with this intelligence, and for more than a minute he +remained silent and without motion. Casting his eyes toward the papers on which +he had lately been employed, and which contained some very important +calculations connected with the next settling day, he at length resumed: +</p> + +<p> +“If this be really so, Doctor, it may be well for me to go to her, since one in +the situation of the poor woman may indeed have something of importance to +communicate.” +</p> + +<p> +“It is with this object that I have now come to tell you the truth,” quietly +answered the divine, who knew that nothing was to be gained by contending with +the besetting weakness of such a man, at such a moment. +</p> + +<p> +My father bent his head in assent, and, first carefully enclosing the open +papers in a secretary, he followed his companion to the bedside of his dying +wife. +</p> + +</div><!--end chapter--> + +<div class="chapter"> + +<h2><a name="link2HCH0002"></a> +CHAPTER II.<br/> +TOUCHING MYSELF AND TEN THOUSAND POUNDS.</h2> + +<p> +Although my ancestor was much too wise to refuse to look back upon his origin +in a worldly point of view, he never threw his retrospective glances so far as +to reach the sublime mystery of his moral existence; and while his thoughts +might be said to be ever on the stretch to attain glimpses into the future, +they were by far too earthly to extend beyond any other settling day than those +which were regulated by the ordinances of the stock exchange. With him, to be +born was but the commencement of a speculation, and to die was to determine the +general balance of profit and loss. A man who had so rarely meditated on the +grave changes of mortality, therefore, was consequently so much the less +prepared to gaze upon the visible solemnities of a death-bed. Although he had +never truly loved my mother, for love was a sentiment much too pure and +elevated for one whose imagination dwelt habitually on the beauties of the +stock-books, he had ever been kind to her, and of late he was even much +disposed, as has already been stated, to contribute as much to her temporal +comforts as comported with his pursuits and habits. On the other hand, the +quiet temperament of my mother required some more exciting cause than the +affections of her husband, to quicken those germs of deep, placid, womanly +love, that certainly lay dormant in her heart, like seed withering with the +ungenial cold of winter. The last meeting of such a pair was not likely to be +attended with any violent outpourings of grief. +</p> + +<p> +My ancestor, notwithstanding, was deeply struck with the physical changes in +the appearance of his wife. +</p> + +<p> +“Thou art much emaciated, Betsey,” he said, taking her hand kindly, after a +long and solemn pause; “much more so than I had thought, or could have +believed! Dost nurse give thee comforting soups and generous nourishment?” +</p> + +<p> +My mother smiled the ghastly smile of death; but waved her hand, with loathing, +at his suggestion. +</p> + +<p> +“All this is now too late, Mr. Goldencalf,” she answered, speaking with a +distinctness and an energy for which she had long been reserving her strength. +“Food and raiment are no longer among my wants.” +</p> + +<p> +“Well, well, Betsey, one that is in want of neither food nor raiment, cannot be +said to be in great suffering, after all; and I am glad that thou art so much +at ease. Dr. Etherington tells me thou art far from being well bodily, however, +and I am come expressly to see if I can order anything that will help to make +thee more easy.” +</p> + +<p> +“Mr. Goldencalf, you can. My wants for this life are nearly over; a short hour +or two will remove me beyond the world, its cares, its vanities, its—” My poor +mother probably meant to add, its heartlessness or its selfishness; but she +rebuked herself, and paused: “By the mercy of our blessed Redeemer, and through +the benevolent agency of this excellent man,” she resumed, glancing her eye +upwards at first with holy reverence, and then at the divine with meek +gratitude, “I quit you without alarm, and were it not for one thing, I might +say without care.” +</p> + +<p> +“And what is there to distress thee, in particular, Betsey?” asked my father, +blowing his nose, and speaking with unusual tenderness; “if it be in my power +to set thy heart at ease on this, or on any other point, name it, and I will +give orders to have it immediately performed. Thou hast been a good pious +woman, and canst have little to reproach thyself with.” +</p> + +<p> +My mother looked earnestly and wistfully at her husband. Never before had he +betrayed so strong an interest in her happiness, and had it not, alas! been too +late, this glimmering of kindness might have lighted the matrimonial torch into +a brighter flame than had ever yet glowed upon the past. +</p> + +<p> +“Mr. Goldencalf, we have an only son—” +</p> + +<p> +“We have, Betsey, and it may gladden thee to hear that the physician thinks the +boy more likely to live than either of his poor brothers and sisters.” +</p> + +<p> +I cannot explain the holy and mysterious principle of maternal nature that +caused my mother to clasp her hands, to raise her eyes to heaven, and, while a +gleam flitted athwart her glassy eyes and wan cheeks, to murmur her thanks to +God for the boon. She was herself hastening away to the eternal bliss of the +pure of mind and the redeemed, and her imagination, quiet and simple as it was, +had drawn pictures in which she and her departed babes were standing before the +throne of the Most High, chanting his glory, and shining amid the stars—and yet +was she now rejoicing that the last and the most cherished of all her +offsprings was likely to be left exposed to the evils, the vices, nay, to the +enormities, of the state of being that she herself so willingly resigned. +</p> + +<p> +“It is of our boy that I wish now to speak, Mr. Goldencalf,” replied my mother, +when her secret devotion was ended. “The child will have need of instruction +and care; in short, of both mother and father.” +</p> + +<p> +“Betsey, thou forgettest that he will still have the latter.” +</p> + +<p> +“You are much wrapped up in your business, Mr. Goldencalf, and are not, in +other respects, qualified to educate a boy born to the curse and to the +temptations of immense riches.” +</p> + +<p> +My excellent ancestor looked as if he thought his dying consort had in sooth +finally taken leave of her senses. +</p> + +<p> +“There are public schools, Betsey; I promise thee the child shall not be +forgotten: I will have him well taught, though it cost me a thousand a year!” +</p> + +<p> +His wife reached forth her emaciated hand to that of my father, and pressed the +latter with as much force as a dying mother could use. For a fleet moment she +even appeared to have gotten rid of her latest care. But the knowledge of +character that had been acquired by the hard experience of thirty years, was +not to be unsettled by the gratitude of a moment. +</p> + +<p> +“I wish, Mr. Goldencalf,” she anxiously resumed, “to receive your solemn +promise to commit the education of our boy to Dr. Etherington—you know his +worth, and must have full confidence in such a man.” +</p> + +<p> +“Nothing would give me greater satisfaction, my dear Betsey; and if Dr. +Etherington will consent to receive him, I will send Jack to his house this +very evening; for, to own the truth, I am but little qualified to take charge +of a child under a year old. A hundred a year, more or less, shall not spoil so +good a bargain.” +</p> + +<p> +The divine was a gentleman, and he looked grave at this speech, though, meeting +the anxious eyes of my mother, his own lost their displeasure in a glance of +reassurance and pity. +</p> + +<p> +“The charges of his education will be easily settled, Mr. Goldencalf,” added my +mother; “but the Doctor has consented with difficulty to take the +responsibility of my poor babe, and that only under two conditions.” +</p> + +<p> +The stock-dealer required an explanation with his eyes. +</p> + +<p> +“One is, that the child shall be left solely to his own care, after he has +reached his fourth year; and the other is, that you make an endowment for the +support of two poor scholars, at one of the principal schools.” +</p> + +<p> +As my mother got out the last words, she fell back on her pillow, whence her +interest in the subject had enabled her to lift her head a little, and she +fairly gasped for breath, in the intensity of her anxiety to hear the answer. +My ancestor contracted his brow, like one who saw it was a subject that +required reflection. +</p> + +<p> +“Thou dost not know perhaps, Betsey, that these endowments swallow up a great +deal of money—a great deal—and often very uselessly.” +</p> + +<p> +“Ten thousand pounds is the sum that has been agreed upon between Mrs. +Goldencalf and me,” steadily remarked the Doctor, who, in my soul, I believe +had hoped that his condition would be rejected, having yielded to the +importunities of a dying woman, rather than to his own sense of that which +might be either very desirable or very useful. +</p> + +<p> +“Ten thousand pounds!” +</p> + +<p> +My mother could not speak, though she succeeded in making an imploring sign of +assent. +</p> + +<p> +“Ten thousand pounds is a great deal of money, my dear Betsey—a very great +deal!” +</p> + +<p> +The color of my mother changed to the hue of death, and by her breathing she +appeared to be in the agony. +</p> + +<p> +“Well, well, Betsey,” said my father a little hastily, for he was frightened at +her pallid countenance and extreme distress, “have it thine own way—the money, +yes, yes—it shall be given as thou wishest—now set thy kind heart at rest.” +</p> + +<p> +The revulsion of feeling was too great for one whose system had been wound up +to a state of excitement like that which had sustained my mother, who, an hour +before, had seemed scarcely able to speak. She extended her hand toward her +husband, smiled benignantly in his face, whispered the word “Thanks,” and then, +losing all her powers of body, sank into the last sleep, as tranquilly as the +infant drops its head on the bosom of the nurse. This was, after all, a sudden, +and, in one sense, an unexpected death: all who witnessed it were struck with +awe. My father gazed for a whole minute intently on the placid features of his +wife, and left the room in silence. He was followed by Dr. Etherington, who +accompanied him to the private apartment where they had first met that night, +neither uttering a syllable until both were seated. +</p> + +<p> +“She was a good woman, Dr. Etherington!” said the widowed man, shaking his foot +with agitation. +</p> + +<p> +“She was a good woman, Mr. Goldencalf.” +</p> + +<p> +“And a good wife, Dr. Etherington.” +</p> + +<p> +“I have always believed her to be a good wife, sir.” +</p> + +<p> +“Faithful, obedient, and frugal.” +</p> + +<p> +“Three qualities that are of much practical use in the affairs of this world.” +</p> + +<p> +“I shall never marry again, sir.” +</p> + +<p> +The divine bowed. +</p> + +<p> +“Nay, I never could find such another match!” +</p> + +<p> +Again the divine inclined his head, though the assent was accompanied by slight +smile. +</p> + +<p> +“Well, she has left me an heir.” +</p> + +<p> +“And brought something that he might inherit,” observed the Doctor, dryly. +</p> + +<p> +My ancestor looked up inquiringly at his companion, but apparently most of the +sarcasm was thrown away, +</p> + +<p> +“I resign the child to your care, Dr. Etherington, conformably to the dying +request of my beloved Betsey.” +</p> + +<p> +“I accept the charge, Mr. Goldencalf, comformably to my promise to the +deceased; but you will remember that there was a condition coupled with that +promise which must be faithfully and promptly fulfilled.” +</p> + +<p> +My ancestor was too much accustomed to respect the punctilios of trade, whose +code admits of frauds only in certain categories, which are sufficiently +explained in its conventional rules of honor; a sort of specified morality, +that is bottomed more on the convenience of its votaries than on the general +law of right. He respected the letter of his promise while his soul yearned to +avoid its spirit; and his wits were already actively seeking the means of doing +that which he so much desired. +</p> + +<p> +“I did make a promise to poor Betsey, certainly,” he answered, in the way of +one who pondered, “and it was a promise, too, made under very solemn +circumstances.” +</p> + +<p> +“The promises made to the dead are doubly binding; since, by their departure to +the world of spirits, it may be said they leave the performance to the +exclusive superintendence of the Being who cannot lie.” +</p> + +<p> +My ancestor quailed; his whole frame shuddered, and his purpose was shaken. +</p> + +<p> +“Poor Betsey left you as her representative in this case, however, Doctor,” he +observed, after the delay of more than a minute, casting his eyes wistfully +towards the divine. +</p> + +<p> +“In one sense, she certainly did, sir.” +</p> + +<p> +“And a representative with full powers is legally a principal under a different +name. I think this matter might be arranged to our mutual satisfaction, Dr. +Etherington, and the intention of poor Betsey most completely executed; she, +poor woman, knew little of business, as was best for her sex; and when women +undertake affairs of magnitude, they are very apt to make awkward work of it.” +</p> + +<p> +“So that the intention of the deceased be completely fulfilled, you will not +find me exacting, Mr. Goldencalf.” +</p> + +<p> +“I thought as much—I knew there could be no difficulty between two men of +sense, who were met with honest views to settle a matter of this nature. The +intention of poor Betsey, Doctor, was to place her child under your care, with +the expectation—and I do not deny its justice—that the boy would receive more +benefit from your knowledge than he possibly could from mine.” +</p> + +<p> +Dr. Etherington was too honest to deny these premises, and too polite to admit +them without an inclination of acknowledgment. +</p> + +<p> +“As we are quite of the same mind, good sir, concerning the preliminaries,” +continued my ancestor, “we will enter a little nearer into the details. It +appears to me to be no more than strict justice, that he who does the work +should receive the reward. This is a principle in which I have been educated, +Dr. Etherington; it is one in which I could wish to have my son educated; and +it is one on which I hope always to practise.” +</p> + +<p> +Another inclination of the body conveyed the silent assent of the divine. +</p> + +<p> +“Now, poor Betsey, Heaven bless her!—for she was a meek and tranquil companion, +and richly deserves to be rewarded in a future state—but, poor Betsey had +little knowledge of business. She fancied that, in bestowing these ten thousand +pounds on a charity, she was acting well; whereas she was in fact committing +injustice. If you are to have the trouble and care of bringing up little Jack, +who but you should reap the reward?” +</p> + +<p> +“I shall expect, Mr. Goldencalf, that you will furnish the means to provide for +the child’s wants.” +</p> + +<p> +“Of that, sir, it is unnecessary to speak,” interrupted my ancestor, both +promptly and proudly. “I am a wary man, and a prudent man, and am one who knows +the value of money, I trust; but I am no miser, to stint my own flesh and +blood. Jack shall never want for anything, while it is in my power to give it. +I am by no means as rich, sir, as the neighborhood supposes; but then I am no +beggar. I dare say, if all my assets were fairly counted, it might be found +that I am worth a plum.” +</p> + +<p> +“You are said to have received a much larger sum than that with the late Mrs. +Goldencalf,” the divine observed, not without reproof in his voice. +</p> + +<p> +“Ah, dear sir, I need not tell you what vulgar rumor is—but I shall not +undermine my own credit; and we will change the subject. My object, Dr. +Etherington, was merely to do justice. Poor Betsey desired that ten thousand +pounds might be given to found a scholarship or two: now, what have these +scholars done, or what are they likely to do, for me or mine? The case is +different with you, sir; you will have trouble—much trouble, I make no doubt; +and it is proper that you should have a sufficient compensation. I was about to +propose, therefore, that you should consent to receive my check for three, or +four, or even for five thousand pounds,” continued my ancestor, raising the +offer as he saw the frown on the brow of the Doctor deepen. “Yes, sir, I will +even say the latter sum, which possibly will not be too much for your trouble +and care; and we will forget the womanish plan of poor Betsey in relation to +the two scholarships and the charity. Five thousand pounds down, Doctor, for +yourself, and the subject of the charity forgotten forever.” +</p> + +<p> +When my father had thus distinctly put his proposition, he awaited its effect +with the confidence of a man who had long dealt with cupidity. For a novelty, +his calculation failed. The face of Dr. Etherington flushed, then paled, and +finally settled into a look of melancholy reprehension. He arose and paced the +room for several minutes in silence; during which time his companion believed +he was debating with himself on the chances of obtaining a higher bid for his +consent, when he suddenly stopped and addressed my ancestor in a mild but +steady tone. +</p> + +<p> +“I feel it to be a duty, Mr. Goldencalf,” he said, “to admonish you of the +precipice over which you hang. The love of money, which is the root of all +evil, which caused Judas to betray even his Saviour and God, has taken deep +root in your soul. You are no longer young, and although still proud in your +strength and prosperity, are much nearer to your great account than you may be +willing to believe. It is not an hour since you witnessed the departure of a +penitent soul for the presence of her God; since you heard the dying request +from her lips; and since, in such a presence and in such a scene, you gave a +pledge to respect her wishes, and, now, with the accursed spirit of gain +upper-most, you would trifle with these most sacred obligations, in order to +keep a little worthless gold in a hand that is already full to overflowing. +Fancy that the pure spirit of thy confiding and single-minded wife were present +at this conversation; fancy it mourning over thy weakness and violated +faith—nay, I know not that such is not the fact; for there is no reason to +believe that the happy spirits are not permitted to watch near, and mourn over +us, until we are released from this mass of sin and depravity in which we +dwell—and, then, reflect what must be her sorrow at hearing how soon her +parting request is forgotten, how useless has been the example of her holy end, +how rooted and fearful are thine own infirmities!” +</p> + +<p> +My father was more rebuked by the manner than by the words of the divine. He +passed his hand across his brow, as if to shut out the view of his wife’s +spirit; turned, drew his writing materials nearer, wrote a check for the ten +thousand pounds, and handed it to the Doctor with the subdued air of a +corrected boy. +</p> + +<p> +“Jack shall be at your disposal, good sir,” he said, as the paper was +delivered, “whenever it may be your pleasure to send for him.” +</p> + +<p> +They parted in silence; the divine too much displeased, and my ancestor too +much grieved, to indulge in words of ceremony. +</p> + +<p> +When my father found himself alone, he gazed furtively about the room, to +assure himself that the rebuking spirit of his wife had not taken a shape less +questionable than air, and then, he mused for at least an hour, very painfully, +on all the principal occurrences of the night. It is said that occupation is a +certain solace for grief, and so it proved to be in the present case; for +luckily my father had made up that very day his private account of the sum +total of his fortune. Sitting down, therefore, to the agreeable task, he went +through the simple process of subtracting from it the amount for which he had +just drawn, and, finding that he was still master of seven hundred and +eighty-two thousand three hundred and eleven pounds odd shillings and even +pence, he found a very natural consolation for the magnitude of the sum he had +just given away, by comparing it with the magnitude of that which was left. +</p> + +</div><!--end chapter--> + +<div class="chapter"> + +<h2><a name="link2HCH0003"></a> +CHAPTER III.<br/> +OPINIONS OF OUR AUTHOR’S ANCESTOR, TOGETHER WITH SOME OF HIS OWN, AND SOME OF +OTHER PEOPLE’S.</h2> + +<p> +Dr. Etherington was both a pious man and a gentleman. The second son of a +baronet of ancient lineage, he had been educated in most of the opinions of his +caste, and possibly he was not entirely above its prejudices; but, this much +admitted, few divines were more willing to defer to the ethics and principles +of the Bible than himself. His humility had, of course, a decent regard to +station; his charity was judiciously regulated by the articles of faith; and +his philanthropy was of the discriminating character that became a warm +supporter of church and state. +</p> + +<p> +In accepting the trust which he was now obliged to assume, he had yielded +purely to a benevolent wish to smooth the dying pillow of my mother. Acquainted +with the character of her husband, he had committed a sort of pious fraud, in +attaching the condition of the endowment to his consent; for, notwithstanding +the becoming language of his own rebuke, the promise, and all the other little +attendant circumstances of the night, it might be questioned which felt the +most surprise after the draft was presented and duly honored, he who found +himself in possession, or he who found himself deprived, of the sum of ten +thousand pounds sterling. Still Dr. Etherington acted with the most scrupulous +integrity in the whole affair; and although I am aware that a writer who has so +many wonders to relate, as must of necessity adorn the succeeding pages of this +manuscript, should observe a guarded discretion in drawing on the credulity of +his readers, truth compels me to add, that every farthing of the money was duly +invested with a single eye to the wishes of the dying Christian, who, under +Providence, had been the means of bestowing so much gold on the poor and +unlettered. As to the manner in which the charity was finally improved, I shall +say nothing, since no inquiry on my part has ever enabled me to obtain such +information as would justify my speaking with authority. +</p> + +<p> +As for myself, I shall have little more to add touching the events of the +succeeding twenty years. I was baptized, nursed, breeched, schooled, horsed, +confirmed, sent to the university, and graduated, much as befalls all gentlemen +of the established church in the united kingdoms of Great Britain and Ireland, +or, in other words, of the land of my ancestor. During these pregnant years, +Dr. Etherington acquitted himself of a duty that, judging by a very predominant +feeling of human nature (which, singularly enough, renders us uniformly averse +to being troubled with other people’s affairs), I think he must have found +sufficiently vexatious, quite as well as my good mother had any right to +expect. Most of my vacations were spent at his rectory; for he had first +married, then become a father, next a widower, and had exchanged his town +living for one in the country, between the periods of my mother’s death and +that on my going to Eton; and, after I quitted Oxford, much more of my time was +passed beneath his friendly roof than beneath that of my own parent. Indeed, I +saw little of the latter. He paid my bills, furnished me with pocket-money, and +professed an intention to let me travel after I should reach my majority. But, +satisfied with these proofs of paternal care, he appeared willing to let me +pursue my own course very much in my own way. +</p> + +<p> +My ancestor was an eloquent example of the truth of that political dogma which +teaches the efficacy of the division of labor. No manufacturer of the head of a +pin ever attained greater dexterity in his single-minded vocation than was +reached by my father in the one pursuit to which he devoted, as far as human +ken could reach, both soul and body. As any sense is known to increase in +acuteness by constant exercise, or any passion by indulgence, so did his ardor +in favor of the great object of his affections grow with its growth, and become +more manifest as an ordinary observer would be apt to think the motive of its +existence at all had nearly ceased. This is a moral phenomenon that I have +often had occasion to observe, and which, there is some reason to think, +depends on a principle of attraction that has hitherto escaped the sagacity of +the philosophers, but which is as active in the immaterial, as is that of +gravitation in the material world. Talents like his, so incessantly and +unweariedly employed, produced the usual fruits. He grew richer hourly, and at +the time of which I speak he was pretty generally known to the initiated to be +the warmest man who had anything to do with the stock exchange. +</p> + +<p> +I do not think that the opinions of my ancestor underwent as many material +changes between the ages of fifty and seventy as they had undergone between the +ages of ten and forty. During the latter period the tree of life usually gets +deep root, its inclination is fixed, whether obtained by bending to the storms, +or by drawing toward the light; and it probably yields more in fruits of its +own, than it gains by tillage and manuring. Still my ancestor was not exactly +the same man the day he kept his seventieth birthday as he had been the day he +kept his fiftieth. In the first place, he was worth thrice the money at the +former period that he had been worth at the latter. Of course his moral system +had undergone all the mutations that are known to be dependent on a change of +this important character. Beyond a question, during the last five-and-twenty +years of the life of my ancestor, his political bias, too, was in favor of +exclusive privileges and exclusive benefits. I do not mean that he was an +aristocrat in the vulgar acceptation. To him, feudality was a blank; he had +probably never heard the word. Portcullises rose and fell, flanking towers +lifted their heads, and embattled walls swept around their fabrics in vain, so +far as his imagination was concerned. He cared not for the days of courts leet +and courts baron; nor for the barons themselves; nor for the honors of a +pedigree (why should he?—no prince in the land could more clearly trace his +family into obscurity than himself), nor for the vanities of a court, nor for +those of society; nor for aught else of the same nature that is apt to have +charms for the weak-minded, the imaginative, or the conceited. His political +prepossessions showed themselves in a very different manner. Throughout the +whole of the five lustres I have named, he was never heard to whisper a censure +against government, let its measures, or the character of its administration, +be what it would. It was enough for him that it was government. Even taxation +no longer excited his ire, nor aroused his eloquence. He conceived it to be +necessary to order, and especially to the protection of property, a branch of +political science that he had so studied as to succeed in protecting his own +estate, in a measure, against even this great ally itself. After he became +worth a million, it was observed that all his opinions grew less favorable to +mankind in general, and that he was much disposed to exaggerate the amount and +quality of the few boons which Providence has bestowed on the poor. The report +of a meeting of the Whigs generally had an effect on his appetite; a resolution +that was suspected of emanating from Brookes’s commonly robbed him of a dinner, +and the Radicals never seriously moved that he did not spend a sleepless night, +and pass a large portion of the next day in uttering words that it would be +hardly moral to repeat. I may without impropriety add, however, that on such +occasions he did not spare allusions to the gallows; Sir Francis Burdett, in +particular, was a target for a good deal of billingsgate; and men as upright +and as respectable even as my lords Grey, Landsdowne, and Holland, were treated +as if they were no better than they should be. But on these little details it +is unnecessary to dwell, for it must be a subject of common remark, that the +more elevated and refined men become in their political ethics, the more they +are accustomed to throw dirt upon their neighbors. I will just state, however, +that most of what I have here related has been transmitted to me by direct oral +traditions, for I seldom saw my ancestor, and when we did meet, it was only to +settle accounts, to eat a leg of mutton together, and to part like those who, +at least, have never quarrelled. +</p> + +<p> +Not so with Dr. Etherington. Habit (to say nothing of my own merits) had +attached him to one who owed so much to his care, and his doors were always as +open to me as if I had been his own son. +</p> + +<p> +It has been said that most of my idle time (omitting the part misspent in the +schools) was passed at the rectory. +</p> + +<p> +The excellent divine had married a lovely woman, a year or two after the death +of my mother, who had left him a widower, and the father of a little image of +herself, before the expiration of a twelvemonth. Owing to the strength of his +affections for the deceased, or for his daughter, or because he could not +please himself in a second marriage as well as it had been his good fortune to +do in the first, Dr. Etherington had never spoken of forming another +connection. He appeared content to discharge his duties, as a Christian and a +gentleman, without increasing them by creating any new relations with society. +</p> + +<p> +Anna Etherington was of course my constant companion during many long and +delightful visits at the rectory. Three years my junior, the friendship on my +part had commenced by a hundred acts of boyish kindness. Between the ages of +seven and twelve, I dragged her about in a garden-chair, pushed her on the +swing, and wiped her eyes and uttered words of friendly consolation when any +transient cloud obscured the sunny brightness of her childhood. From twelve to +fourteen, I told her stories; astonished her with narratives of my own exploits +at Eton, and caused her serene blue eyes to open in admiration at the marvels +of London. At fourteen, I began to pick up her pocket-handkerchief, hunt for +her thimble, accompany her in duets, and to read poetry to her, as she occupied +herself with the little lady-like employments of the needle. About the age of +seventeen I began to compare cousin Anna, as I was permitted to call her, with +the other young girls of my acquaintance, and the comparison was generally much +in her favor. It was also about this time that, as my admiration grew more warm +and manifest, she became less confiding and less frank; I perceived too that, +for a novelty, she now had some secrets that she did not choose to communicate +to me, that she was more with her governess, and less in my society than +formerly, and on one occasion (bitterly did I feel the slight) she actually +recounted to her father the amusing incidents of a little birthday fete at +which she had been present, and which was given by a gentleman of the vicinity, +before she even dropped a hint to me, touching the delight she had experienced +on the occasion. I was, however, a good deal compensated for the slight by her +saying, kindly, as she ended her playful and humorous account of the affair: +</p> + +<p> +“It would have made you laugh heartily, Jack, to see the droll manner in which +the servants acted their parts” (there had been a sort of mystified masque), +“more particularly the fat old butler, of whom they had made a Cupid, as Dick +Griffin said, in order to show that love becomes drowsy and dull by good eating +and drinking—I DO wish you COULD have been there, Jack.” +</p> + +<p> +Anna was a gentle feminine girl, with a most lovely and winning countenance, +and I did inherently like to hear her pronounce the word “Jack”—it was so +different from the boisterous screech of the Eton boys, or the swaggering call +of my boon companions at Oxford! +</p> + +<p> +“I should have liked it excessively myself, Anna,” I answered; “more +particularly as you seem to have so much enjoyed the fun.” +</p> + +<p> +“Yes, but that COULD NOT BE” interrupted Miss-Mrs. Norton, the governess. “For +Sir Harry Griffin is very difficult about his associates, and you know, my +dear, that Mr. Goldencalf, though a very respectable young man himself, could +not expect one of the oldest baronets of the county to go out of his way to +invite the son of a stock-jobber to be present at a fete given to his own +heir.” +</p> + +<p> +Luckily for Miss-Mrs. Norton, Dr. Etherington had walked away the moment his +daughter ended her recital, or she might have met with a disagreeable +commentary on her notions concerning the fitness of associations. Anna herself +looked earnestly at her governess, and I saw a flush mantle over her sweet face +that reminded me of the ruddiness of morn. Her soft eyes then fell to the +floor, and it was some time before she spoke. +</p> + +<p> +The next day I was arranging some fishing-tackle under a window of the library, +where my person was concealed by the shrubbery, when I heard the melodious +voice of Anna wishing the rector good morning. My heart beat quicker as she +approached the casement, tenderly inquiring of her parent how he had passed the +night. The answers were as affectionate as the questions, and then there was a +little pause. +</p> + +<p> +“What is a stock-jobber, father?” suddenly resumed Anna, whom I heard rustling +the leaves above my head. +</p> + +<p> +“A stock-jobber, my dear, is one who buys and sells in the public funds, with a +view to profit.” +</p> + +<p> +“And is it thought a PARTICULARLY disgraceful employment?” +</p> + +<p> +“Why, that depends on circumstances. On ’Change it seems to be well +enough—among merchants and bankers there is some odium attached to it, I +believe.” +</p> + +<p> +“And can you say why, father?” +</p> + +<p> +“I believe,” said Dr. Etherington, laughing, “for no other reason than that it +is an uncertain calling—one that is liable to sudden reverses—what is termed +gambling—and whatever renders property insecure is sure to obtain odium among +those whose principal concern is its accumulation; those who consider the +responsibility of others of essential importance to themselves.” +</p> + +<p> +“But is it a dishonest pursuit, father?” +</p> + +<p> +“As the times go, not necessarily, my dear; though it may readily become so.” +</p> + +<p> +“And is it disreputable, generally, with the world?” +</p> + +<p> +“That depends on circumstances, Anna. When the stock-jobber loses, he is very +apt to be condemned; but I rather think his character rises in proportion to +his gains. But why do you ask these singular questions, love?” +</p> + +<p> +I thought I heard Anna breathe harder than usual, and it is certain that she +leaned far out of the window to pluck a rose. +</p> + +<p> +“Why, Mrs. Norton said Jack was not invited to Sir Harry Griffin’s because his +father was a stock-jobber. Do you think she was right, sir?” +</p> + +<p> +“Very likely, my dear,” returned the divine, who I fancied was smiling at the +question. “Sir Harry has the advantages of birth, and he probably did not +forget that our friend Jack was not so fortunate—and, moreover, Sir Harry, +while he values himself on his wealth, is not as rich as Jack’s father by a +million or two—in other words, as they say on ’Change, Jack’s father could buy +ten of him. This motive was perhaps more likely to influence him than the +first. In addition, Sir Harry is suspected of gambling himself in the funds +through the aid of agents; and a gentleman who resorts to such means to +increase his fortune is a little apt to exaggerate his social advantages by way +of a set-off to the humiliation.” +</p> + +<p> +“And GENTLEMEN do really become stock-jobbers, father?” +</p> + +<p> +“Anna, the world has undergone great changes in my time. Ancient opinions have +been shaken, and governments themselves are getting to be little better than +political establishments to add facilities to the accumulation of money. This +is a subject, however, you cannot very well understand, nor do I pretend to be +very profound in it myself.” +</p> + +<p> +“But is Jack’s father really so very, very rich?” asked Anna, whose thoughts +had been wandering from the thread of those pursued by her father. +</p> + +<p> +“He is believed to be so.” +</p> + +<p> +“And Jack is his heir.” +</p> + +<p> +“Certainly—he has no other child; though it is not easy to say what so singular +a being may do with his money.” +</p> + +<p> +“I hope he will disinherit Jack!” +</p> + +<p> +“You surprise me, Anna! You, who are so mild and reasonable, to wish such a +misfortune to befall our young friend John Goldencalf!” I gazed upward in +astonishment at this extraordinary speech of Anna, and at the moment I would +have given all my interest in the fortune in question to have seen her face +(most of her body was out of the window, for I heard her again rustling the +bush above my head), in order to judge of her motive by its expression; but an +envious rose grew exactly in the only spot where it was possible to get a +glimpse. +</p> + +<p> +“Why do you wish so cruel a thing?” resumed Dr. Etherington, a little +earnestly. +</p> + +<p> +“Because I hate stock-jobbing and its riches, father. Were Jack poorer, it +seems to me he would be better esteemed.” +</p> + +<p> +As this was uttered the dear girl drew back, and I then perceived that I had +mistaken her cheek for one of the largest and most blooming of the flowers. Dr. +Etherington laughed, and I distinctly heard him kiss the blushing face of his +daughter. I think I would have given up my hopes in another million to have +been the rector at Tenthpig at that instant. +</p> + +<p> +“If that be all, child,” he answered, “set thy heart at rest. Jack’s money will +never bring him into contempt unless through the use he may make of it. Alas! +Anna, we live in an age of corruption and cupidity! Generous motives appear to +be lost sight of in the general desire of gain; and he who would manifest a +disposition to a pure and disinterested philanthropy is either distrusted as a +hypocrite or derided as a fool. The accursed revolution among our neighbors the +French has quite unsettled opinions, and religion itself has tottered in the +wild anarchy of theories to which it has given rise. There is no worldly +advantage that has been more austerely denounced by the divine writers than +riches, and yet it is fast rising to be the god of the ascendant. To say +nothing of an hereafter, society is getting to be corrupted by it to the core, +and even respect for birth is yielding to the mercenary feeling.” +</p> + +<p> +“And do you not think pride of birth, father, a mistaken prejudice as well as +pride of riches?” +</p> + +<p> +“Pride of any sort, my love, cannot exactly be defended on evangelical +principles; but surely some distinctions among men are necessary, even for +quiet. Were the levelling principle acknowledged, the lettered and the +accomplished must descend to an equality with the ignorant and vulgar, since +all men cannot rise to the attainments of the former class, and the world would +retrograde to barbarism. The character of a Christian gentleman is much too +precious to trifle with in order to carry out an impracticable theory.” +</p> + +<p> +Anna was silent. Probably she was confused between the opinions which she most +liked to cherish and the faint glimmerings of truth to which we are reduced by +the ordinary relations of life. As for the good rector himself, I had no +difficulty in understanding his bias, though neither his premises nor his +conclusions possessed the logical clearness that used to render his sermons so +delightful, more especially when he preached about the higher qualities of the +Saviour’s dispensation, such as charity, love of our fellows, and, in +particular, the imperative duty of humbling ourselves before God. +</p> + +<p> +A month after this accidental dialogue, chance made me auditor of what passed +between my ancestor and Sir Joseph Job, another celebrated dealer in the funds, +in an interview that took place in the house of the former in Cheapside. As the +difference was so PATENT, as the French express it, I shall furnish the +substance of what passed. +</p> + +<p> +“This is a serious and a most alarming movement, Mr. Goldencalf,” observed Sir +Joseph, “and calls for union and cordiality among the holders of property. +Should these damnable opinions get fairly abroad among the people, what would +become of us? I ask, Mr. Goldencalf, what would become of us?” +</p> + +<p> +“I agree with you, Sir Joseph, it is very alarming!—frightfully alarming!” +</p> + +<p> +“We shall have agrarian laws, sir. Your money, sir, and mine—our hard +earnings—will become the prey of political robbers, and our children will be +beggared to satisfy the envious longings of some pitiful scoundrel without a +six-pence!” +</p> + +<p> +“’Tis a sad state of things, Sir Joseph; and government is very culpable that +it don’t raise at least ten new regiments.” +</p> + +<p> +“The worst of it is, good Mr. Goldencalf, that there are some jack-a-napeses of +the aristocracy who lead the rascals on and lend them the sanction of their +names. It is a great mistake, sir, that we give so much importance to birth in +this island, by which means proud beggars set unwashed blackguards in motion, +and the substantial subjects are the sufferers. Property, sir, is in danger, +and property is the only true basis of society.” +</p> + +<p> +“I am sure, Sir Joseph, I never could see the smallest use in birth.” +</p> + +<p> +“It is of no use but to beget pensioners, Mr. Goldencalf. Now with property it +is a different thing—money is the parent of money, and by money a state becomes +powerful and prosperous. But this accursed revolution among our neighbors the +French has quite unsettled opinions, and, alas! property is in perpetual +danger!” +</p> + +<p> +“Sorry am I to say, I feel it to be so in every nerve of my body, Sir Joseph.” +</p> + +<p> +“We must unite and defend ourselves, Mr. Goldencalf, else both you and I, men +warm enough and substantial enough at present, will be in the ditch. Do you not +see that we are in actual danger of a division of property?” +</p> + +<p> +“God forbid!” +</p> + +<p> +“Yes, sir, our sacred property is in danger!” +</p> + +<p> +Here Sir Joseph shook my father cordially by the hand and withdrew. I find, by +a memorandum among the papers of my deceased ancestor, that he paid the broker +of Sir Joseph, that day month, sixty-two thousand seven hundred and twelve +pounds difference (as bull and bear), owing to the fact of the knight having +got some secret information through a clerk in one of the offices; an advantage +that enabled him, in this instance, at least, to make a better bargain than one +who was generally allowed to be among the shrewdest speculators on ’Change. +</p> + +<p> +My mind was of a nature to be considerably exercised (as the pious purists +express it), by becoming the depository of sentiments so diametrically opposed +to each other as those of Dr. Etherington and those of Sir Joseph Job. On the +one side, I was taught the degradation of birth; on the other, the dangers of +property. Anna was usually my confidant, but on this subject I was tongue-tied, +for I dared not confess that I had overheard the discourse with her father, and +I was compelled to digest the contradictory doctrines by myself in the best +manner I could. +</p> + +</div><!--end chapter--> + +<div class="chapter"> + +<h2><a name="link2HCH0004"></a> +CHAPTER IV.<br/> +SHOWING THE UPS AND DOWNS, THE HOPES AND FEARS, AND THE VAGARIES OF LOVE, SOME +VIEWS OF DEATH, AND AN ACCOUNT OF AN INHERITANCE.</h2> + +<p> +From my twentieth to my twenty-third year no event occurred of any great +moment. The day I became of age my father settled on me a regular allowance of +a thousand a year, and I make no doubt I should have spent my time much as +other young men had it not been for the peculiarity of my birth, which I now +began to see was wanting in a few of the requisites to carry me successfully +through a struggle for place with a certain portion of what is called the great +world. While most were anxious to trace themselves into obscurity, there was a +singular reluctance to effecting the object as clearly and as distinctly as it +was in my power to do. From all which, as well as from much other testimony, I +have been led to infer that the doses of mystification which appear to be +necessary to the happiness of the human race require to be mixed with an +experienced and a delicate hand. Our organs, both physically and morally, are +so fearfully constituted that they require to be protected from realities. As +the physical eye has need of clouded glass to look steadily at the sun so it +would seem the mind’s eye has also need of something smoky to look steadily at +truth. But, while I avoided laying open the secret of my heart to Anna, I +sought various opportunities to converse with Dr. Etherington and my father on +those points which gave me the most concern. From the first, I heard principles +which went to show that society was of necessity divided into orders; that it +was not only impolitic but wicked to weaken the barriers by which they were +separated; that Heaven had its seraphs and cherubs, its archangels and angels, +its saints and its merely happy, and that, by obvious induction, this world +ought to have its kings, lords, and commons. The usual winding-up of all the +Doctor’s essays was a lamentation on the confusion in classes that was visiting +England as a judgment. My ancestor, on the other hand, cared little for social +classification, or for any other conservatory expedient but force. On this +topic he would talk all day, regiments and bayonets glittering in every +sentence. When most eloquent on this theme he would cry (like Mr. Manners +Sutton), “ORDER—order!” nor can I recall a single disquisition that did not end +with, “Alas, Jack, property is in danger!” +</p> + +<p> +I shall not say that my mind entirely escaped confusion among these conflicting +opinions, although I luckily got a glimpse of one important truth, for both the +commentators cordially agreed in fearing and, of necessity, in hating the mass +of their fellow-creatures. My own natural disposition was inclining to +philanthropy, and as I was unwilling to admit the truth of theories that +arrayed me in open hostility against so large a portion of mankind, I soon +determined to set up one of my own, which, while it avoided the faults, should +include the excellences of both the others. It was, of course, no great affair +merely to form such a resolution; but I shall have occasion to say a word +hereafter on the manner in which I attempted to carry it out in practice. +</p> + +<p> +Time moved on, and Anna became each day more beautiful. I thought that she had +lost some of her frankness and girlish gayety, it is true, after the dialogue +with her father; but this I attributed to the reserve and discretion that +became the expanding reason and greater feeling of propriety that adorn young +womanhood. With me she was always ingenuous and simple, and were I to live a +thousand years the angelic serenity of countenance with which she invariably +listened to the theories of my busy brain would not be erased from +recollection. +</p> + +<p> +We were talking of these things one morning quite alone. Anna heard me when I +was most sedate with manifest pleasure, and she smiled mournfully when the +thread of my argument was entangled by a vagary of the imagination. I felt at +my heart’s core what a blessing such a mentor would be, and how fortunate would +be my lot could I succeed in securing her for life. Still I did not, could not, +summon courage to lay bare my inmost thoughts, and to beg a boon that in these +moments of transient humility I feared I never should be worthy to possess. +</p> + +<p> +“I have even thought of marrying,” I continued—so occupied with my own theories +as not to weigh, with the accuracy that becomes the frankness and superior +advantages which man possesses over the gentler sex, the full import of my +words; “could I find one, Anna, as gentle, as good, as beautiful, and as wise +as yourself who would consent to be mine, I should not wait a minute; but, +unhappily, I fear this is not likely to be my blessed lot. I am not the +grandson of a baronet, and your father expects to unite you with one who can at +least show that the ‘bloody hand’ has once been born on his shield; and, on the +other side, my father talks of nothing but millions.” During the first part of +this speech the amiable girl looked kindly up at me, and with a seeming desire +to soothe me; but at its close her eyes dropped upon her work and she remained +silent. “Your father says that every man who has an interest in the state +should give it pledges”—here Anna smiled, but so covertly that her sweet mouth +scarce betrayed the impulse—“and that none others can ever control it to +advantage. I have thought of asking my father to buy a borough and a baronetcy, +for with the first, and the influence that his money gives, he need not long +wish for the last; but I never open my lips on any matter of the sort that he +does not answer ‘Fol lol der rol, Jack, with your knighthoods, and social +order, and bishoprics, and boroughs—property is in danger!—loans and regiments, +if thou wilt—give us more order “ORDER—order”—bayonets are what we want, boy, +and good wholesome taxes, to accustom the nation to contribute to its own wants +and to maintain its credit. Why, youngster, if the interest on the debt were to +remain unpaid twenty-four hours, your body corporate, as you call it, would die +a natural death; and what would then become of your knights—barro-knights?—and +barren enough some of them are getting to be by their wastefulness and +extravagance. Get thee married, Jack, and settle prudently. There is neighbor +Silverpenny has an only daughter of a suitable age; and a good hussy is she in +the bargain. The only daughter of Oliver Silverpenny will be a suitable wife +for the only son of Thomas Goldencalf; though I give thee notice, boy, that +thou wilt be cut off with a competency; so keep thy head clear of extravagant +castle-building, learn economy in season, and, above all, make no debts.’” Anna +laughed as I humorously imitated the well-known intonations of Mr. Speaker +Sutton, but a cloud darkened her bright features when I concluded. +</p> + +<p> +“Yesterday I mentioned the subject to your father,” I resumed, “and he thought +with me that the idea of the borough and the baronetcy was a good one. ‘You +would be the second of your line, Jack,’ he said, ‘and that is always better +than being the first; for there is no security for a man’s being a good member +of society like that of his having presented to his eyes the examples of those +who have gone before him, and who have been distinguished by their services or +their virtues. If your father would consent to come into parliament and sustain +government at this critical moment, his origin would be overlooked, and you +would have pride in looking back on his acts. As it is, I fear his whole soul +is occupied with the unworthy and debasing passion of mere gain. Money is a +necessary auxiliary to rank, and without rank there can be no order, and +without order no liberty; but when the love of money gets to occupy the place +of respect for descent and past actions, a community loses the very sentiment +on which all its noble exploits are bottomed.’ So you see, dear Anna, that our +parents hold very different opinions on a very grave question, and between +natural affection and acquired veneration I scarcely know which to receive. If +I could find one sweet, and wise, and beautiful as thou, and who could pity me, +I would marry to-morrow, and cast all the future on the happiness that is to be +found with such a companion.” +</p> + +<p> +As usual, Anna heard me in silence. That she did not, however, view matrimony +with exactly the same eyes as myself was clearly proved the very next day, for +young Sir Harry Griffin (the father was dead) offered in form and was very +decidedly refused. +</p> + +<p> +Although I was always happy at the rectory, I could not help feeling rather +than seeing that, as the French express it, I occupied a false position in +society. Known to be the expectant of great wealth, it was not easy to be +overlooked altogether in a country whose government is based on a +representation of property, and in which boroughs are openly in market; and yet +they who had obtained the accidental advantage of having their fortunes made by +their grandfathers were constantly convincing me that mine, vast as it was +thought to be, was made by my father. Ten thousand times did I wish (as it has +since been expressed by the great captain of the age), that I had been my own +grandson; for notwithstanding the probability that he who is nearest to the +founder of a fortune is the most likely to share the largest in its +accumulations, as he who is nearest in descent to the progenitor who has +illustrated his race is the most likely to feel the influence of his character, +I was not long in perceiving that in highly refined and intellectual +communities the public sentiment, as it is connected with the respect and +influence that are the meed of both, directly refutes the inferences of all +reasonable conjectures on the subject. I was out of my place, uneasy, ashamed, +proud, and resentful; in short I occupied a FALSE POSITION, and unluckily one +from which I saw no plausible retreat except by falling back on Lombard street +or by cutting my throat. Anna alone—kind, gentle, serene-eyed Anna—entered into +all my joys, sympathized in my mortifications, and appeared to view me as I +was; neither dazzled by my wealth nor repelled by my origin. The day she +refused young Sir Harry Griffin I could have kneeled at her feet and called her +blessed! +</p> + +<p> +It is said that no moral disease is ever benefited by its study. I was a living +proof of the truth of the opinion that brooding over one’s wrongs or +infirmities seldom does much more than aggravate the evil. I greatly fear it is +in the nature of man to depreciate the advantages he actually enjoys and to +exaggerate those which are denied him. Fifty times during the six months that +succeeded the repulse of the young baronet did I resolve to take heart and to +throw myself at the feet of Anna, and as often was I deterred by the +apprehension that I had nothing to render me worthy of one so excellent, and +especially of one who was the granddaughter of the seventh English baronet. I +do not pretend to explain the connection between cause and effect, for I am +neither physician nor metaphysician; but the tumult of spirits that resulted +from so many doubts, hopes, fears, resolutions, and breakings of resolutions, +began to affect my health, and I was just about to yield to the advice of my +friends (among whom Anna was the most earnest and the most sorrowful), to +travel, when an unexpected call to attend the death-bed of my ancestor was +received. I tore myself from the rectory and hurried up to town with the +diligence and assiduity of an only son and heir summoned on an occasion so +solemn. +</p> + +<p> +I found my ancestor still in the possession of his senses, though given over by +the physicians; a circumstance that proved a degree of disinterestedness and +singleness of purpose on their part that was scarcely to be expected towards a +patient who it was commonly believed was worth more than a million. My +reception by the servants and by the two or three friends who had assembled on +this melancholy occasion, too, was sympathizing, warm, and of a character to +show their solicitude and forethought. +</p> + +<p> +My reception by the sick man was less marked. The total abstraction of his +faculties in the one great pursuit of his life; a certain sternness of purpose +which is apt to get the ascendant with those who are resolute to gain, and +which usually communicates itself to the manners; and an absence of those +kinder ties that are developed by the exercise of the more familiar charities +of our existence had opened a breach between us that was not to be filled by +the simple unaided fact of natural affinity. I say of natural affinity, for +notwithstanding the doubts that cast their shadows on that branch of my +genealogical tree by which I was connected with my maternal grandfather, the +title of the king to his crown is not more apparent than was my direct lineal +descent from my father. I always believed him to be my ancestor de jure as well +as de facto, and could fain have loved him and honored him as such had my +natural yearnings been met with more lively bowels of sympathy on his side. +</p> + +<p> +Notwithstanding the long and unnatural estrangement that had thus existed +between the father and son, the meeting on the present occasion was not +entirely without some manifestations of feeling. +</p> + +<p> +“Thou art come at last, Jack,” said my ancestor; “I was afraid, boy, thou +might’st be too late.” +</p> + +<p> +The difficult breathing, haggard countenance, and broken utterance of my father +struck me with awe. This was the first death-bed by which I had ever stood; and +the admonishing picture of time passing into eternity was indelibly stamped on +my memory. It was not only a death-bed scene, but it was a family death-bed +scene. I know not how it was, but I thought my ancestor looked more like the +Goldencalfs than I had ever seen him look before. +</p> + +<p> +“Thou hast come at last, Jack,” he repeated, “and I’m glad of it. Thou art the +only being in whom I have now any concern. It might have been better, perhaps, +had I lived more with my kind—but thou wilt be the gainer. Ah! Jack, we are but +miserable mortals after all! To be called away so suddenly and so young!” +</p> + +<p> +My ancestor had seen his seventy-fifth birthday; but unhappily he had not +settled all his accounts with the world, although he had given the physician +his last fee and sent the parson away with a donation to the poor of the parish +that would make even a beggar merry for a whole life. +</p> + +<p> +“Thou art come at last, Jack! Well, my loss will be thy gain, boy! Send the +nurse from the room.” +</p> + +<p> +I did as commanded, and we were left to ourselves. +</p> + +<p> +“Take this key,” handing me one from beneath his pillow, “and open the upper +drawer of my secretary. Bring me the packet which is addressed to thyself.” +</p> + +<p> +I silently obeyed; when my ancestor, first gazing at it with a sadness that I +cannot well describe—for it was neither worldly nor quite of an ethereal +character, but a singular and fearful compound of both—put the papers into my +hand, relinquishing his hold slowly and with reluctance. +</p> + +<p> +“Thou wilt wait till I am out of thy sight, Jack?” +</p> + +<p> +A tear burst from out its source and fell upon the emaciated hand of my father. +He looked at me wistfully, and I felt a slight pressure that denoted affection. +</p> + +<p> +“It might have been better, Jack, had we known more of each other. But +Providence made me fatherless, and I have lived childless by my own folly. Thy +mother was a saint, I believe; but I fear I learned it too late. Well, a +blessing often comes at the eleventh hour!” +</p> + +<p> +As my ancestor now manifested a desire not to be disturbed, I called the nurse +and quitted the room, retiring to my own modest chamber, where the packet, a +large bundle of papers sealed and directed to myself in the handwriting of the +dying man, was carefully secured under a good lock. I did not meet my father +again but once under circumstances which admitted of intelligible communion. +From the time of our first interview he gradually grew worse, his reason +tottered, and, like the sinful cardinal of Shakespeare, “he died and gave no +sign.” +</p> + +<p> +Three days after my arrival, however, I was left alone with him, and he +suddenly revived from a state approaching to stupor. It was the only time since +the first interview in which he had seemed even to know me. +</p> + +<p> +“Thou art come at last!” he said, in a tone that was already sepulchral. “Canst +tell me, boy, why they had golden rods to measure the city?” His nurse had been +reading to him a chapter of the Revelations which had been selected by himself. +“Thou seest, lad, the wall itself was of jasper and the city was of pure gold—I +shall not need money in my new habitation—ha! it will not be wanted there!—I am +not crazed, Jack—would I had loved gold less and my kind more. The city itself +is of pure gold and the walls of jasper—precious abode!—ha! Jack, thou hearest, +boy—I am happy—too happy, Jack!—gold—gold!” +</p> + +<p> +The final words were uttered with a shout. They were the last that ever came +from the lips of Thomas Goldencalf. The noise brought in the attendants, who +found him dead. I ordered the room to be cleared as soon as the melancholy +truth was fairly established, and remained several minutes alone with the body. +The countenance was set in death. The eyes, still open, had that revolting +glare of frenzied delight with which the spirit had departed, and the whole +face presented the dread picture of a hopeless end. I knelt and, though a +Protestant, prayed fervently for the soul of the deceased. I then took my leave +of the first and the last of all my ancestors. +</p> + +<p> +To this scene succeeded the usual period of outward sorrow, the interment, and +the betrayal of the expectations of the survivors. I observed that the house +was much frequented by many who rarely or never had crossed its threshold +during the life of its late owner. There was much cornering, much talking in an +undertone, and looking at me that I did not understand, and gradually the +number of regular visitors increased until it amounted to about twenty. Among +them were the parson of the parish, the trustees of several notorious +charities, three attorneys, four or five well-known dealers of the stock +exchange, foremost among whom was Sir Joseph Job, and three of the +professionally benevolent, or of those whose sole occupation appears to be that +of quickening the latent charities of their neighbors. +</p> + +<p> +The day after my ancestor was finally removed from our sight, the house was +more than usually crowded. The secret conferences increased both in earnestness +and in frequency, and finally I was summoned to meet these ill-timed guests in +the room which had been the sanctum sanctorum of the late owner of the +dwelling. As I entered among twenty strange faces, wondering why I, who had +hitherto passed through life so little heeded, should be unseasonably +importuned, Sir Joseph Job presented himself as the spokesman of the party. +</p> + +<p> +“We have sent for you, Mr. Goldencalf,” the knight commenced, decently wiping +his eyes, “because we think that respect for our late much-esteemed, most +excellent, and very respectable friend requires that we no longer neglect his +final pleasure, but that we should proceed at once to open his will, in order +that we may take prompt measures for its execution. It would have been more +regular had we done this before he was interred, for we cannot have foreseen +his pleasure concerning his venerable remains; but it is fully my determination +to have everything done as he has ordered, even though we may be compelled to +disinter the body.” +</p> + +<p> +I am habitually quiescent, and possibly credulous, but nature has not denied me +a proper spirit. What Sir Joseph Job, or any one but myself, had to do with the +will of my ancestor did not strike me at first sight; and I took care to +express as much, in terms it was not easy to misunderstand. +</p> + +<p> +“The only child and, indeed, the only known relative of the deceased,” I said, +“I do not well see, gentlemen, how this subject should interest in this lively +manner so many strangers!” +</p> + +<p> +“Very spirited and proper, no doubt, sir,” returned Sir Joseph, smiling; “but +you ought to know, young gentleman, that if there are such things as heirs +there are also such things as executors!” +</p> + +<p> +This I did know already, and I had also somewhere imbibed an opinion that the +latter was commonly the most lucrative situation. +</p> + +<p> +“Have you any reason to suppose, Sir Joseph Job, that my late father has +selected you to fulfil this trust?” +</p> + +<p> +“That will be better known in the end, young gentleman. Your late father is +known to have died rich, very rich—not that he has left as much by half a +million as vulgar report will have it—but what I should term comfortably off; +and it is unreasonable to suppose that a man of his great caution and prudence +should suffer his money to go to the heir-at-law, that heir being a youth only +in his twenty-third year, ignorant of business, not over-gifted with +experience, and having the propensities of all his years in this ill-behaving +and extravagant age, without certain trusts and provisions which will leave his +hard earnings for some time to come under the care of men who like himself know +the full value of money.” +</p> + +<p> +“No, never!—’tis quite impossible—’tis more than impossible!” exclaimed the +bystanders, all shaking their heads. +</p> + +<p> +“And the late Mr. Goldencalf, too, intimate with most of the substantial names +on ’Change, and particularly with Sir Joseph Job!” added another. +</p> + +<p> +Sir Joseph Job nodded his head, smiled, stroked his chin, and stood waiting for +my reply. +</p> + +<p> +“Property is in danger, Sir Joseph,” I said, ironically; “but it matters not. +If there is a will, it is as much my interest to know it as it can possibly be +yours; and I am quite willing that a search be made on the spot.” +</p> + +<p> +Sir Joseph looked daggers at me; but being a man of business he took me at my +word, and, receiving the keys I offered, a proper person was immediately set to +work to open the drawers. The search was continued for four hours without +success. Every private drawer was rummaged, every paper opened, and many a +curious glance was cast at the contents of the latter, in order to get some +clew to the probable amount of the assets of the deceased. Consternation and +uneasiness very evidently increased among most of the spectators as the +fruitless examination proceeded; and when the notary ended, declaring that no +will was to be found, nor any evidence of credits, every eye was fastened on me +as if I were suspected of stealing that which in the order of nature was likely +to be my own without the necessity of crime. +</p> + +<p> +“There must be a secret repository of papers somewhere,” said Sir Joseph Job, +as if he suspected more than he wished just then to express; “Mr. Goldencalf is +largely a creditor on the public books, and yet here is not so much as a scrip +for a pound!” +</p> + +<p> +I left the room and soon returned, bringing with me the bundle that had been +committed to me by my father. +</p> + +<p> +“Here, gentlemen,” I said, “is a large packet of papers that were given to me +by the deceased on his death-bed with his own hands. It is, as you see, sealed +with his seal and especially addressed to me in his own handwriting, and it is +not violent to suppose that the contents concern me only. Still, as you take so +great an interest in the affairs of the deceased, it shall now be opened, and +those contents, so far as you can have any right to know them, shall not be hid +from you.” +</p> + +<p> +I thought Sir Joseph looked grave when he saw the packet and had examined the +handwriting of the envelope. All, however, expressed their satisfaction that +the search was now most probably ended. I broke the seals and exposed the +contents of the envelope. Within it there were several smaller packets, each +sealed with the seal of the deceased, and each addressed to me in his own +handwriting like the external covering. Each of these smaller packets, too, had +a separate indorsement of its contents. Taking them as they lay, I read aloud +the nature of each before I proceeded to the next. They were also numbered. +</p> + +<p> +“No. 1,” I commenced. “Certificates of public stock held by Tho. Goldencalf, +June 12th, 1815.” We were now at June 29th of the same year. As I laid aside +this packet I observed that the sum indorsed on its back greatly exceeded a +million. “No. 2. Certificates of Bank of England stock.” This sum was several +hundred thousands of pounds. “No. 3. South Sea Annuities.” Nearly three hundred +thousand pounds. “No. 4. Bonds and mortgages.” Four hundred and thirty thousand +pounds. “No. 5. The bond of Sir Joseph Job for sixty-three thousand pounds.” +</p> + +<p> +I laid down the paper and involuntarily exclaimed, “Property is in danger!” Sir +Joseph turned pale, but he beckoned to me to proceed, saying, “We shall soon +come to the will, sir.” +</p> + +<p> +“No. 6.—” I hesitated; for it was an assignment to myself, which from its very +nature I perceived was an abortive attempt to escape the payment of the legacy +duty. +</p> + +<p> +“Well, sir, No. 6?” inquired Sir Joseph, with tremulous exultation. +</p> + +<p> +“Is an instrument affecting myself, and with which you have no concern, sir.” +</p> + +<p> +“We shall see, sir, we shall see, sir—if you refuse to exhibit the paper there +are laws to compel you.” +</p> + +<p> +“To do what, Sir Joseph Job? To exhibit to my father’s debtors’ papers that are +exclusively addressed to me and which can affect me only? But here is the +paper, gentlemen, that you so much desire to see. ‘No. 7. The last will and +testament of Tho. Goldencalf, dated June 17th, 1816.’” (He died June the 24th +of the same year.) +</p> + +<p> +“Ah! the precious instrument!” exclaimed Sir Joseph Job, eagerly extending his +hand as if expecting to receive the will. +</p> + +<p> +“This paper, as you perceive, gentlemen,” I said, holding it up in a manner +that all present might see it, “is especially addressed to myself, and it shall +not quit my hands until I learn that some other has a better right to it.” +</p> + +<p> +I confess my heart failed me as I broke the seals, for I had seen but little of +my father and I knew that he had been a man of very peculiar opinions as well +as habits. The will was all in his own handwriting, and it was very short. +Summoning courage I read it aloud in the following words: +</p> + +<p> +“In the name of God—Amen: I, Tho. Goldencalf, of the parish of Bow, in the city +of London, do publish and declare this instrument to be my last will and +testament: +</p> + +<p> +“That is to say; I bequeath to my only child and much-beloved son, John +Goldencalf, all my real estate in the parish of Bow and city of London, +aforesaid, to be held in free-simple by him, his heirs, and assigns, forever. +</p> + +<p> +“I bequeath to my said only child and much-beloved son, John Goldencalf, all my +personal property of every sort and description whatever of which I may die +possessed, including bonds and mortgages, public debt, bank stock, notes of +hand, goods and chattels, and all others of my effects, to him, his heirs, or +assigns. +</p> + +<p> +“I nominate and appoint my said much-beloved son, John Goldencalf, to be the +sole executor of this my last will and testament, counselling him not to +confide in any of those who may profess to have been my friends; and +particularly to turn a deaf ear to all the pretensions and solicitations of Sir +Joseph Job, Knight. In witness whereof,” etc., etc. +</p> + +<p> +This will was duly executed, and it was witnessed by the nurse, his +confidential clerk, and the housemaid. +</p> + +<p> +“Property is in danger, Sir Joseph!” I dryly remarked, as I gathered together +the papers in order to secure them. +</p> + +<p> +“This will may be set aside, gentlemen!” cried the knight in a fury. “It +contains a libel!” +</p> + +<p> +“And for whose benefit, Sir Joseph?” I quietly inquired. “With or without the +will my title to my father’s assets would seem to be equally valid.” +</p> + +<p> +This was so evidently true that the more prudent retired in silence; and even +Sir Joseph after a short delay, during which he appeared to be strangely +agitated, withdrew. The next week his failure was announced, in consequence of +some extravagant risks on ’Change, and eventually I received but three +shillings and fourpence in the pound for my bond of sixty-three thousand. +</p> + +<p> +When the money was paid I could not help exclaiming mentally, “Property is in +danger!” +</p> + +<p> +The following morning Sir Joseph Job balanced his account with the world by +cutting his throat. +</p> + +</div><!--end chapter--> + +<div class="chapter"> + +<h2><a name="link2HCH0005"></a> +CHAPTER V.<br/> +ABOUT THE SOCIAL-STAKE SYSTEM, THE DANGERS OF CONCENTRATION, AND OTHER MORAL +AND IMMORAL CURIOSITIES.</h2> + +<p> +The affairs of my father were almost as easy of settlement as those of a +pauper. In twenty-four hours I was completely master of them, and found myself +if not the richest, certainly one of the richest subjects of Europe. I say +subjects, for sovereigns frequently have a way of appropriating the effects of +others that would render a pretension to rivalry ridiculous. Debts there were +none: and if there had been, ready money was not wanting; the balance in cash +in my favor at the bank amounted in itself to a fortune. +</p> + +<p> +The reader may now suppose that I was perfectly happy. Without a solitary claim +on either my time or my estate, I was in the enjoyment of an income that +materially exceeded the revenues of many reigning princes. I had not an +ex-pensive nor a vicious habit of any sort. Of houses, horses, hounds, packs, +and menials, there were none to vex or perplex me. In every particular save one +I was completely my own master. That one was the near, dear, cherished +sentiment that rendered Anna in my eyes an angel (and truly she was little +short of it in those of other people), and made her the polar star to which +every wish pointed. How gladly would I have paid half a million just then to be +the grandson of a baronet with precedency from the seventeenth century! +</p> + +<p> +There was, however, another and a present cause for un-easiness that gave me +even more concern than the fact that my family reached the dark ages with so +much embarrassing facility. In witnessing the dying agony of my ancestor I had +got a dread lesson on the vanity, the hopeless character, the dangers, and the +delusions of wealth that time can never eradicate. The history of its +accumulation was ever present to mar the pleasure of its possession. I do not +mean that I suspected what by the world’s convention is deemed dishonesty—of +that there had been no necessity—but simply that the heartless and estranged +existence, the waste of energies, the blunted charities, and the isolated and +distrustful habits of my father appeared to me to be but poorly requited by the +joyless ownership of its millions. I would have given largely to be directed in +such a way as while escaping the wastefulness of the shoals of Scylla I might +in my own case steer clear of the miserly rocks of Charybdis. +</p> + +<p> +When I drove from between the smoky lines of the London houses into the green +fields and amid the blossoming hedges, this earth looked beautiful and as if it +were made to be loved. I saw in it the workmanship of a divine and beneficent +Creator, and it was not difficult to persuade myself that he who dwelt in the +confusion of a town in order to transfer gold from the pocket of his neighbor +to his own had mistaken the objects of his being. My poor ancestor who had +never quitted London stood before me with his dying regrets; and my first +resolution was to live in open communion with my kind. So intense, indeed, did +my anxiety to execute this purpose become that it might have led even to frenzy +had not a fortunate circumstance interposed to save me from so dire a calamity. +</p> + +<p> +The coach in which I had taken passage (for I purposely avoided the parade and +trouble of post-chaise and servants), passed through a market town of known +loyalty on the eve of a contested election. This appeal to the intelligence and +patriotism of the constituency had occurred in consequence of the late +incumbent having taken office. The new minister, for he was a member of the +cabinet, had just ended his canvass, and he was about to address his +fellow-subjects from a window of the tavern in which he lodged. Fatigued, but +ready to seek mental relief by any means, I threw myself from the coach, +secured a room, and made one of the multitude. +</p> + +<p> +The favorite candidate occupied a large balcony surrounded by his principal +friends, among whom it was delightful to see earls, lords John, baronets, +dignitaries of the church, tradesmen of influence in the borough, and even a +mechanic or two, all squeezed together in the agreeable amalgamation of +political affinity. Here then, thought I, is an example of the heavenly +charities I The candidate himself, the son and heir of a peer, feels that he is +truly of the same flesh and blood as his constituents; how amiably he +smiles!—how bland are his manners!—and with what cordiality does he shake hands +with the greasiest and the worst! There must be a corrective to human pride, a +stimulus to the charities, a never-ending lesson of benevolence in this part of +our excellent system, and I will look farther into it. The candidate appeared +and his harangue commenced. +</p> + +<p> +Memory would fail me were I to attempt recording the precise language of the +orator, but his opinions and precepts are so deeply graven on my recollection +that I do not fear misrepresenting them. He commenced with a very proper and +eloquent eulogium on the constitution, which he fearlessly pronounced to be in +its way the very perfection of human reason; in proof of which he adduced the +well-ascertained fact that it had always been known throughout the vicissitudes +and trials of so many centuries to accommodate itself to circumstances, +abhorring change. “Yes, my friends,” he exclaimed, in a burst of patriotic and +constitutional fervor, “whether under the roses or the lilies—the Tudors, the +Stuarts, or the illustrious house of Brunswick, this glorious structure has +resisted the storms of faction, has been able to receive under its sheltering +roof the most opposite elements of domestic strife, affording protection, +warmth, aye, and food and raiment”—(here the orator happily laid his hand on +the shoulder of a butcher, who wore a frieze overcoat that made him look not +unlike a stall-fed beast)—“yes, food and raiment, victuals and drink, to the +meanest subject in the realm. Nor is this all; it is a constitution peculiarly +English: and who is there so base, so vile, so untrue to himself, to his +fathers, to his descendants, as to turn his back on a constitution that is +thoroughly and inherently English, a constitution that he has inherited from +his ancestors, and which by every obligation both human and divine he is bound +to transmit unchanged to posterity”;—here the orator, who continued to speak, +however, was deafened by shouts of applause, and that part of the subject might +very fairly be considered as definitively settled. +</p> + +<p> +From the constitution as a whole the candidate next proceeded to extol the +particular feature of it that was known as the borough of Householder. +According to his account of this portion of the government, its dwellers were +animated by the noblest spirit of independence, the most rooted determination +to uphold the ministry of which he was the least worthy member, and were +distinguished by what in an ecstasy of political eloquence he happily termed +the most freeborn understanding of its rights and privileges. This loyal and +judicious borough had never been known to waste its favors on those who had not +a stake in the community. It understood that fundamental principle of good +government which lays down the axiom that none were to be trusted but those who +had a visible and an extended interest in the country; for without these +pledges of honesty and independence what had the elector to expect but bribery +and corruption—a traffic in his dearest rights, and a bargaining that might +destroy the glorious institutions under which he dwelt. This part of the +harangue was listened to in respectful silence, and shortly after the orator +concluded; when the electors dispersed, with, no doubt, a better opinion of +themselves and the constitution than it had probably been their good fortune to +entertain since the previous election. +</p> + +<p> +Accident placed me at dinner (the house being crowded) at the same table with +an attorney who had been very active the whole morning among the Householders, +and who I soon learned, from himself, was the especial agent of the owner of +the independent borough in question. He told me that he had came down with the +expectation of disposing of the whole property to Lord Pledge, the ministerial +candidate named; but the means had not been forthcoming as he had been led to +hope, and the bargain was unluckily broken off at the very moment when it was +of the utmost importance to know to whom the independent electors rightfully +belonged. +</p> + +<p> +“His lordship, however,” continued the attorney, winking, “has done what is +handsome; and there can be no more doubt of his election than there would be of +yours did you happen to own the borough.” +</p> + +<p> +“And is the property now open for sale?” I asked. +</p> + +<p> +“Certainly-my principal can hold out no longer. The price is settled, and I +have his power of attorney to make the preliminary bargain. ’Tis a thousand +pities that the public mind should be left in this undecided state on the eve +of an election.” +</p> + +<p> +“Then, sir, I will be the purchaser.” +</p> + +<p> +My companion looked at me with astonishment and doubt. He had transacted too +much business of this nature, however, not to feel his way before he was either +off or on. +</p> + +<p> +“The price of the estate is three hundred and twenty-five thousand pounds, sir, +and the rental is only six!” +</p> + +<p> +“Be it so. My name is Goldencalf: by accompanying me to town you shall receive +the money.” +</p> + +<p> +“Goldencalf! What, sir, the only son and heir of the late Thomas Goldencalf of +Cheapside?” +</p> + +<p> +“The same. My father has not been dead a month.” +</p> + +<p> +“Pardon me, sir—convince me of your identity—we must be particular in matters +of this sort—and you shall have possession of the property in season to secure +your own election or that of any of your friends. I will return Lord Pledge his +small advances, and another time he will know better than to fail of keeping +his promises. What is a borough good for if a nobleman’s word is not sacred? +You will find the electors, in particular, every way worthy of your favor. They +are as frank, loyal, and straightforward a constituency as any in England. No +skulking behind the ballot for them!—and in all respects they are fearless +Englishmen who will do what they say, and say whatever their landlord shall +please to require of them.” +</p> + +<p> +As I had sundry letters and other documents about me, nothing was easier than +to convince the attorney of my identity. He called for pen and ink; drew out of +his pocket the contract that had been prepared for Lord Pledge; gave it to me +to read; filled the blanks; and affixing his name, called the waiters as +witnesses, and presented me the paper with a promptitude and respect that I +found really delightful. So much, thought I, for having given pledges to +society by the purchase of a borough. I drew on my bankers for three hundred +and twenty-five thousand pounds, and arose from table virtually the owner of +the estate of Householder and of the political consciences of its tenantry. +</p> + +<p> +A fact so important could not long be unknown; and in a few minutes all eyes in +the coffee-room were upon me. The landlord presented himself and begged I would +do him the honor to take possession of his family parlor, there being no other +at his disposal. I was hardly installed before a servant in a handsome livery +presented the following note. +</p> + +<p> +“DEAR MR. GOLDENCALF: +</p> + +<p> +“I have this moment heard of your being in town, and am exceedingly rejoiced to +learn it. A long intimacy with your late excellent and most loyal father +justifies my claiming you for a friend, and I waive all ceremony (official, of +course, is meant, there being no reason for any other between us), and beg to +be admitted for half an hour. +</p> + +<p> +“Dear Mr. Goldencalf,” +</p> + +<p> +“Yours very faithfully and sincerely,” +</p> + +<p> +“PLEDGE.” +</p> + +<p> +“—GOLDENCALF, Esquire.” +</p> + +<p> +“Monday evening.” +</p> + +<p> +I begged that the noble visitor might not be made to wait a moment. Lord Pledge +met me like an old and intimate friend. He made a hundred handsome inquiries +after my dead ancestor; spoke feelingly of his regret at not having been +summoned to attend his death-bed; and then very ingenuously and warmly +congratulated me on my succession to so large a property. +</p> + +<p> +“I hear, too, you have bought this borough, my dear sir. I could not make it +convenient just at this particular moment to conclude my own arrangement—but it +is a good thing. Three hundred and twenty thousand, I suppose, as was mentioned +between me and the other party?” +</p> + +<p> +“Three hundred and twenty-five thousand, Lord Pledge.” +</p> + +<p> +I perceived by the countenance of the noble candidate that I had paid the odd +five thousand as a fine—a circumstance which accounted for the promptitude of +the attorney in the transaction, he most probably pocketing the difference +himself. +</p> + +<p> +“You mean to sit, of course?” +</p> + +<p> +“I do, my lord, as one of the members, at the next general election; but at +present I shall be most happy to aid your return.” +</p> + +<p> +“My dear Mr. Goldencalf—” +</p> + +<p> +“Really, without presuming to compliment, Lord Pledge, the noble sentiments I +heard you express this morning were so very proper, so exceedingly +statesmanlike, so truly English, that I shall feel infinitely more satisfaction +in knowing that you fill the vacant seat than if it were in my own possession.” +</p> + +<p> +“I honor your public spirit, Mr. Goldencalf, and only wish to God there was +more of it in the world. But you can count on our friendship, sir. What you +have just remarked is true, very true, only too true, true to a hair-a-a-a—I +mean, my dear Mr. Goldencalf, most especially those sentiments of mine +which-a-a-a-I say it, before God, without vanity—but which, as you have so very +ably intimated, are so truly proper and English.” +</p> + +<p> +“I sincerely think so, Lord Pledge, or I should not have said it. I am +peculiarly situated myself. With an immense fortune, without rank, name, or +connections, nothing is easier than for one of my years to be led astray; and +it is my ardent desire to hit upon some expedient that may connect me properly +with society.” +</p> + +<p> +“Marry, my dear young friend—select a wife from among the fair and virtuous of +this happy isle—unluckily I can propose nothing in this way myself—for both my +own sisters are disposed of.” +</p> + +<p> +“I have made choice, already, I thank you a thousand times, my dear Lord +Pledge; although I scarcely dare execute my own wishes. There are objections—if +I were only the child, now, of a baronet’s second son, or—” +</p> + +<p> +“Become a baronet yourself,” once more interrupted my noble friend, with an +evident relief from suspense; for I verily believe he thought I was about to +ask for something better. “Your affair shall be arranged by the end of the +week—and if there is anything else I can do for you, I beg you to name it +without reserve.” +</p> + +<p> +“If I could hear a few more of those remarkable sentiments of yours, concerning +the stake we should all have in society, I think it would relieve my mind.” +</p> + +<p> +My companion looked at me a moment with a very awkward sort of an intensity, +drew his hand across his brows, reflected, and then obligingly complied. +</p> + +<p> +“You attach too much importance, Mr. Goldencalf, to a few certainly very just +but very ill-arranged ideas. That a man without a proper stake in society is +little better than the beasts of the fields, I hold to be so obvious that it is +unnecessary to dwell on the point. Reason as you will, forward or backward, you +arrive at the same result—he that hath nothing is usually treated by mankind +little better than a dog, and he that is little better than a dog usually has +nothing. Again. What distinguishes the savage from the civilized man? Why, +civilization to be sure. Now, what is civilization? The arts of life. What +feeds, nourishes, sustains the arts of life? Money or property. By consequence, +civilization is property, and property is civilization. If the control of a +country is in the hands of those who possess the property, the government is a +civilized government; but, on the other hand, if it is in the hands of those +who have no property, the government is necessarily an uncivilized government. +It is quite impossible that any one should become a safe statesman who does not +possess a direct property interest in society. You know there is not a tyro of +our political sect who does not fully admit the truth of this axiom.” +</p> + +<p> +“Mr. Pitt?” +</p> + +<p> +“Why, Pitt was certainly an exception in one way; but then, you will recollect, +he was the immediate representative of the tories, who own most of the property +of England.” +</p> + +<p> +“Mr. Fox?” +</p> + +<p> +“Fox represented the whigs, who own all the rest, you know. No, my dear +Goldencalf, reason as you will, we shall always arrive at the same results. You +will, of course, as you have just said, take one of the seats yourself at the +next general election?” +</p> + +<p> +“I shall be too proud of being your colleague to hesitate.” +</p> + +<p> +This speech sealed our friendship; for it was a pledge to my noble acquaintance +of his future connection with the borough. He was much too high-bred to express +his thanks in vulgar phrases (though high-breeding rarely exhibits all its +finer qualities pending an election), but—a man of the world, and one of a +class whose main business it is to put the suaviter in modo, as the French have +it en evidence,—the reader may be sure that when we parted that night I was in +perfect good humor with myself and, as a matter of course, with my new +acquaintance. +</p> + +<p> +The next day the canvass was renewed, and we had another convincing speech on +the subject of the virtue of “a stake in society”; for Lord Pledge was +tactician enough to attack the citadel, once assured of its weak point, rather +than expend his efforts on the outworks of the place. That night the attorney +arrived from town with the title-deeds all properly executed (they had been +some time in preparation for Lord Pledge), and the following morning early the +tenants were served with the usual notices, with a handsomely expressed +sentiment on my part in favor of “a stake in society.” About noon Lord Pledge +walked over the course, as it is expressed at Newmarket and Doncaster. After +dinner we separated, my noble friend returning to town, while I pursued my way +to the rectory. +</p> + +<p> +Anna never appeared more fresh, more serene, more elevated above mortality, +than when we met, a week after I had quitted Householder, in the +breakfast-parlor of her father’s abode. +</p> + +<p> +“You are beginning to look like yourself again, Jack,” she said, extending her +hand with the simple cordiality of an Englishwoman; “and I hope we shall find +you more rational.” +</p> + +<p> +“Ah, Anna, if I could only presume to throw myself at your feet, and tell you +how much and what I feel, I should be the happiest fellow in all England.” +</p> + +<p> +“As it is you are the most miserable!” the laughing girl answered as, crimsoned +to the temples, she drew away the hand I was foolishly pressing against my +heart. “Let us go to breakfast, Mr. Goldencalf—my father has ridden across the +country to visit Dr. Liturgy.” +</p> + +<p> +“Anna,” I said, after seating myself and taking a cup of tea from fingers that +were rosy as the morn, “I fear you are the greatest enemy that I have on +earth.” +</p> + +<p> +“John Goldencalf!” exclaimed the startled girl, turning pale and then flushing +violently. “Pray explain yourself.” +</p> + +<p> +“I love you to my heart’s core—could marry you, and then, I fear, worship you, +as man never before worshipped woman.” +</p> + +<p> +Anna laughed faintly. +</p> + +<p> +“And you feel in danger of the sin of idolatry?” she at length succeeded in +saying. +</p> + +<p> +“No, I am in danger of narrowing my sympathies—of losing a broad and safe hold +of life—of losing my proper stake in society—of—in short, of becoming as +useless to my fellows as my poor, poor father, and of making an end as +miserable. Oh! Anna, could you have witnessed the hopelessness of that +death-bed, you could never wish me a fate like his!” +</p> + +<p> +My pen is unequal to convey an adequate idea of the expression with which Anna +regarded me. Wonder, doubt, apprehension, affection, and anguish were all +beaming in her eyes; but the unnatural brightness of these conflicting +sentiments was tempered by a softness that resembled the pearly lustre of an +Italian sky. +</p> + +<p> +“If I yield to my fondness, Anna, in what will my condition differ from that of +my miserable father’s? He concentrated his feelings in the love of money, and +I—yes, I feel it here, I know it is here—I should love you so intensely as to +shut out every generous sentiment in favor of others. I have a fearful +responsibility on my shoulders—wealth, gold; gold beyond limits; and to save my +very soul I must extend not narrow my interest in my fellow-creatures. Were +there a hundred such Annas I might press you all to my heart—but, +one!—no—no—’twould be misery—’twould be perdition! The very excess of such a +passion would render me a heartless miser, unworthy of the confidence of my +fellow-men!” +</p> + +<p> +The radiant and yet serene eyes of Anna seemed to read my soul; and when I had +done speaking she arose, stole timidly to my side of the table, as woman +approaches when she feels most, placed her velvet-like hand on my burning +forehead, pressed its throbbing pulses gently to her heart, burst into tears, +and fled. +</p> + +<p> +We dined alone, nor did we meet again until the dinner hour. The manner of Anna +was soothing, gentle, even affectionate; but she carefully avoided the subject +of the morning. As for myself, I was constantly brooding over the danger of +concentrating interests, and of the excellence of the social-stake system. +“Your spirits will be better, Jack, in a day or two,” said Anna, when we had +taken wine after the soup. “Country air and old friends will restore your +freshness and color.” +</p> + +<p> +“If there were a thousand Annas I could be happy as man was never happy before! +But I must not, dare not, lessen my hold on society.” +</p> + +<p> +“All of which proves my insufficiency to render you happy. But here comes +Francis with yesterday morning’s paper—let us see what society is about in +London.” +</p> + +<p> +After a few moments of intense occupation with the journal, an exclamation of +pleasure and surprise escaped the sweet girl. On raising my eyes I saw her +gazing (as I fancied) fondly at myself. +</p> + +<p> +“Read what you have that seems to give you so much pleasure.” +</p> + +<p> +She complied, reading with an eager and tremulous voice the following +paragraph: +</p> + +<p> +“His majesty has been most graciously pleased to raise John Goldencalf of +Householder Hall, in the county of Dorset, and of Cheapside, Esquire, to the +dignity of a baronet of the united kingdoms of Great Britain and Ireland.” +</p> + +<p> +“Sir John Goldencalf, I have the honor to drink to your health and happiness!” +cried the delighted girl, brightening like the dawn, and wetting her pouting +lip with liquor less ruby than itself. “Here, Francis, fill a bumper and drink +to the new baronet.” +</p> + +<p> +The gray-headed butler did as ordered with a very good grace, and then hurried +into the servants’ hall to communicate the news. +</p> + +<p> +“Here at least, Jack, is a new hold that society has on you, whatever hold you +may have on society.” +</p> + +<p> +I was pleased because she was pleased, and because it showed that Lord Pledge +had some sense of gratitude (although he afterward took occasion to intimate +that I owed the favor chiefly to HOPE), and I believe my eyes never expressed +more fondness. +</p> + +<p> +“Lady Goldencalf would not have an awkward sound after all, dearest Anna.” +</p> + +<p> +“As applied to one, Sir John, it might possibly do; but not as applied to a +hundred.” Anna laughed, blushed, burst into tears once more, and again fled. +</p> + +<p> +What right have I to trifle with the feelings of this single-hearted and +excellent girl, said I to myself; it is evident that the subject distresses +her—she is unequal to its discussion, and it is unmanly and improper in me to +treat it in this manner. I must be true to my character as a gentleman and a +man—aye, and, under present circumstances, as a baronet; and—I will never speak +of it again as long as I live. +</p> + +<p> +The following day I took leave of Dr. Etherington and his daughter, with the +avowed intention of travelling for a year or two. The good rector gave me much +friendly advice, flattered me with expressions of confidence in my discretion, +and, squeezing me warmly by the hand, begged me to recollect that I had always +a home at the rectory. When I had made my adieus to the father, I went, with a +sorrowful heart, in quest of the daughter. She was still in the little +breakfast-parlor—that parlor so loved! I found her pale, timid, sensitive, +bland, but serene. Little could ever disturb that heavenly quality in the dear +girl; if she laughed, it was with a restrained and moderated joy; if she wept, +it was like rain falling from a sky that still shone with the lustre of the +sun. It was only when feeling and nature were unutterably big within her, that +some irresistible impulse of her sex betrayed her into emotions like those I +had twice witnessed so lately. +</p> + +<p> +“You are about to leave us, Jack,” she said, holding out her hand kindly and +without the affectation of an indifference she did not feel; “you will see many +strange faces, but you will see none who—” +</p> + +<p> +I waited for the completion of the sentence, but, although she struggled hard +for self-possession, it was never finished. +</p> + +<p> +“At my age, Anna, and with my means, it would be unbecoming to remain at home, +when, if I may so express it, ‘human nature is abroad.’ I go to quicken my +sympathies, to open my heart to my kind, and to avoid the cruel regrets that +tortured the death-bed of my father.” +</p> + +<p> +“Well—well,” interrupted the sobbing girl, “we will talk of it no more. It is +best that you should travel; and so adieu, with a thousand—nay, millions of +good wishes for your happiness and safe return. You will come back to us, Jack, +when tired of other scenes.” +</p> + +<p> +This was said with gentle earnestness and a sincerity so winning that it came +near upsetting all my philosophy; but I could not marry the whole sex, and to +bind down my affections in one would have been giving the death-blow to the +development of that sublime principle on which I was bent, and which I had +already decided was to make me worthy of my fortune and the ornament of my +species. Had I been offered a kingdom, however, I could not speak. I took the +unresisting girl in my arms, folded her to my heart, pressed a burning kiss on +her cheek, and withdrew. +</p> + +<p> +“You will come back to us, Jack?” she half whispered, as her hand was +reluctantly drawn through my own. +</p> + +<p> +Oh! Anna, it was indeed painful to abandon thy frank and gentle confidence, thy +radiant beauty, thy serene affections, and all thy womanly virtues, in order to +practise my newly-discovered theory! Long did thy presence haunt me—nay, never +did it entirely desert me—putting my constancy to a severe proof, and +threatening at each remove to contract the lengthening chain that still bound +me to thee, thy fireside, and thy altars! But I triumphed, and went abroad upon +the earth with a heart expanding towards all the creatures of God, though thy +image was still enshrined in its inmost core, shining in womanly glory, pure, +radiant, and without spot, like the floating prism that forms the lustre of the +diamond. +</p> + +</div><!--end chapter--> + +<div class="chapter"> + +<h2><a name="link2HCH0006"></a> +CHAPTER VI.<br/> +A THEORY OF PALPABLE SUBLIMITY—SOME PRACTICAL IDEAS, AND THE COMMENCEMENT OF +ADVENTURES.</h2> + +<p> +The recollection of the intense feelings of that important period of my life +has, in some measure, disturbed the connection of the narrative, and may +possibly have left some little obscurity in the mind of the reader on the +subject of the new sources of happiness that had broken on my own intelligence. +A word here in the way of elucidation, therefore, may not be misapplied, +although it is my purpose to refer more to my acts, and to the wonderful +incidents it will shortly be my duty to lay before the world, for a just +understanding of my views, than to mere verbal explanations. +</p> + +<p> +Happiness—happiness, here and hereafter, was my goal. I aimed at a life of +useful and active benevolence, a deathbed of hope and joy, and an eternity of +fruition. With such an object before me, my thoughts, from the moment that I +witnessed the dying regrets of my father, had been intensely brooding over the +means of attainment. Surprising as, no doubt, it will appear to vulgar minds, I +obtained the clew to this sublime mystery at the late election for the borough +of Householder, and from the lips of my Lord Pledge. Like other important +discoveries, it is very simple when understood, being easily rendered +intelligible to the dullest capacities, as, indeed, in equity, ought to be the +case with every principle that is so intimately connected with the well-being +of man. +</p> + +<p> +It is a universally admitted truth that happiness is the only legitimate object +of all human associations. The ruled concede a certain portion of their natural +rights for the benefits of peace, security, and order, with the understanding +that they are to enjoy the remainder as their own proper indefeasible estate. +It is true that there exist in different nations some material differences of +opinion on the subject of the quantities to be bestowed and retained; but these +aberrations from a just medium are no more than so many caprices of the human +judgment, and in no manner do they affect the principle. I found also that all +the wisest and best of the species, or what is much the same thing, the most +responsible, uniformly maintain that he who has the largest stake in society +is, in the nature of things, the most qualified to administer its affairs. By a +stake in society is meant, agreeable to universal convention, a multiplication +of those interests which occupy us in our daily concerns—or what is vulgarly +called property. This principle works by exciting us to do right through those +heavy investments of our own which would inevitably suffer were we to do wrong. +The proposition is now clear, nor can the premises readily be mistaken. +Happiness is the aim of society; and property, or a vested interest in that +society, is the best pledge of our disinterestedness and justice, and the best +qualification for its proper control. It follows as a legitimate corollary that +a multiplication of those interests will increase the stake, and render us more +and more worthy of the trust by elevating us as near as may be to the pure and +ethereal condition of the angels. One of those happy accidents which sometimes +make men emperors and kings, had made me, perhaps, the richest subject of +Europe. With this polar star of theory shining before my eyes, and with +practical means so ample, it would have been clearly my own fault had I not +steered my bark into the right haven. If he who had the heaviest investments +was the most likely to love his fellows, there could be no great difficulty for +one in my situation to take the lead in philanthropy. It is true that with +superficial observers the instance of my own immediate ancestor might be +supposed to form an exception, or rather an objection, to the theory. So far +from this being the case, however, it proves the very reverse. My father in a +great measure had concentrated all his investments in the national debt! Now, +beyond all cavil, he loved the funds intensely; grew violent when they were +assailed; cried out for bayonets when the mass declaimed against taxation; +eulogized the gallows when there were menaces of revolt, and in a hundred other +ways prove that “where the treasure is, there will the heart be also.” The +instance of my father, therefore, like all exceptions, only went to prove the +excellence of the rule. He had merely fallen into the error of contraction, +when the only safe course was that of expansion. I resolved to expand; to do +that which probably no political economist had ever yet thought of doing—in +short, to carry out the principle of the social stake in such a way as should +cause me to love all things, and consequently to become worthy of being +intrusted with the care of all things. +</p> + +<p> +On reaching town my earliest visit was one of thanks to my Lord Pledge. At +first I had felt some doubts whether the baronetcy would or would not aid the +system of philanthropy; for by raising me above a large portion of my kind, it +was in so much at least a removal from philanthropical sympathies; but by the +time the patent was received and the fees were paid, I found that it might +fairly be considered a pecuniary investment, and that it was consequently +brought within the rule I had prescribed for my own government. +</p> + +<p> +The next thing was to employ suitable agents to aid in making the purchases +that were necessary to attach me to mankind. A month was diligently occupied in +this way. As ready money was not wanting, and I was not very particular on the +subject of prices, at the end of that time I began to have certain incipient +sentiments which went to prove the triumphant success of the experiment. In +other words I owned much, and was beginning to take a lively interest in all I +owned. +</p> + +<p> +I made purchases of estates in England, Scotland, Ireland, and Wales. This +division of real property was meant to equalize my sentiments justly between +the different portions of my native country. Not satisfied with this, however, +I extended the system to the colonies. I had East India shares, a running ship, +Canada land, a plantation in Jamaica, sheep at the Cape and at New South Wales, +an indigo concern at Bengal, an establishment for the collection of antiques in +the Ionian Isles, and a connection with a shipping house for the general supply +of our various dependencies with beer, bacon, cheese, broadcloths, and +ironmongery. From the British empire my interests were soon extended into other +countries. On the Garonne and Xeres I bought vineyards. In Germany I took some +shares in different salt and coal mines; the same in South America in the +precious metals; in Russia I dipped deeply into tallow; in Switzerland I set up +an extensive manufactory of watches, and bought all the horses for a voiturier +on a large scale. I had silkworms in Lombardy, olives and hats in Tuscany, a +bath in Lucca, and a maccaroni establishment at Naples. To Sicily I sent funds +for the purchase of wheat, and at Rome I kept a connoisseur to conduct a +general agency in the supply of British articles, such as mustard, porter, +pickles, and corned beef, as well as for the forwarding of pictures and statues +to the lovers of the arts and of VIRTU. +</p> + +<p> +By the time all this was effected I found my hands full of business. Method, +suitable agents, and a resolution to succeed smoothed the way, however, and I +began to look about me and to take breath. By way of relaxation I now descended +into details; and for a few days I frequented the meetings of those who are +called “the Saints,” in order to see if something might be done towards the +attainment of my object through their instrumentality. I cannot say that this +experiment met with all the success I had anticipated. I heard a great deal of +subtle discussion, found that manner was of more account than matter, and had +unreasonable and ceaseless appeals to my pocket. So near a view of charity had +a tendency to expose its blemishes, as the brilliancy of the sun is known to +exhibit defects on the face of beauty, which escape the eye when seen through +the medium of that artificial light for which they are best adapted; and I soon +contented myself with sending my contributions at proper intervals, keeping +aloof in person. This experiment gave me occasion to perceive that human +virtues, like little candles, shine best in the dark, and that their radiance +is chiefly owing to the atmosphere of a “naughty world.” From speculating I +returned to facts. +</p> + +<p> +The question of slavery had agitated the benevolent for some years, and finding +a singular apathy in ray own bosom on this important subject, I bought five +hundred of each sex to stimulate my sympathies. This led me nearer to the +United States of America, a country that I had endeavored to blot out of my +recollection; for while thus encouraging a love for the species, I had scarcely +thought it necessary to go so far from home. As no rule exists without an +exception, I confess I was a good deal disposed to believe that a Yankee might +very fairly be an omission in an Englishman’s philanthropy. But “in for a penny +in for a pound.” The negroes led me to the banks of the Mississippi, where I +was soon the owner of both a sugar and a cotton plantation. In addition to +these purchases I took shares in divers South-Seamen, owned a coral and pearl +fishery of my own, and sent an agent with a proposition to King Tamamamaah to +create a monopoly of sandalwood in our joint behalf. +</p> + +<p> +The earth and all it contained assumed new glories in my eyes. I had fulfilled +the essential condition of the political economists, the jurists, the +constitution-mongers, and all the “talents and decency,” and had stakes in half +the societies of the world. I was fit to govern, I was fit to advise, to +dictate to most of the people of Christendom; for I had taken a direct interest +in their welfares by making them my own. Twenty times was I about to jump into +a post-chaise, and to gallop down to the rectory in order to lay my newborn +alliance with the species, and all its attendant felicity, at the feet of Anna, +but the terrible thought of monogamy, and of its sympathy-withering +consequences, as often stayed my course. I wrote to her weekly, however, making +her the participator of a portion of my happiness, though I never had the +satisfaction of receiving a single line in reply. +</p> + +<p> +Fairly emancipated from selfishness, and pledged to the species, I now quitted +England on a tour of philanthropical inspection. I shall not weary the reader +with an account of my journeys over the beaten tracks of the continent, but +transport him and myself at once to Paris, in which city I arrived on the 17th +of May, Anno Domini 1819. I had seen much, fancied myself improved, and, by +constant dwelling on my system, saw its excellences as plainly as Napoleon saw +the celebrated star which defied the duller vision of his uncle the cardinal. +At the same time, as usually happens with those who direct all their energies +to a given point, the opinions originally formed of certain portions of my +theory began to undergo mutations, as nearer and more practical views pointed +out inconsistencies and exposed defects. As regards Anna in particular, the +quiet, gentle, unobtrusive, and yet distinct picture of womanly loveliness that +was rarely absent from my mind, had for the past twelvemonth haunted me with a +constancy of argument that might have unsettled the Newtonian scheme of +philosophy itself. I already more than questioned whether the benefit to be +derived from the support of one so affectionate and true would not fully +counterbalance the disadvantage of a concentration of interest, so far as the +sex was concerned. This growing opinion was fast getting to be conviction, when +I encountered on the boulevards one day an old country neighbor of the +rector’s, who gave me the best account of the family, adding, after descanting +on the beauty and excellence of Anna herself, that the dear girl had quite +lately actually refused a peer of the realm, who enjoyed all the acknowledged +advantages of youth, riches, birth, rank, and a good name, and who had selected +her from a deep conviction of her worth, and of her ability to make any +sensible man happy. As to my own power over the heart of Anna I never +entertained a doubt. She had betrayed it in a thousand ways and on a hundred +occasions; nor had I been at all backward in letting her understand how highly +I valued her dear self, although I had never yet screwed up my resolution so +high as distinctly to propose for her hand. But all my unsettled purposes +became concentrated on hearing this welcome intelligence; and, taking an abrupt +leave of my old acquaintance, I hurried home and wrote the following letter: +</p> + +<p> +Dear—very dear, nay—dearest ANNA: +</p> + +<p> +“I met your old neighbor—this morning on the boulevards, and during an +interview of an hour we did little else but talk of thee. Although it has been +my most ardent and most predominant wish to open my heart to the whole species, +yet, Anna, I fear I have loved thee alone! Absence, so far from expanding, +appears to contract my affections, too many of which centre in thy sweet form +and excellent virtues. The remedy I proposed is insufficient, and I begin to +think that matrimony alone can leave me master of sufficient freedom of thought +and action to turn the attention I ought to the rest of the human race. Thou +hast been with me in idea in the four corners of the earth, by sea and by land, +in dangers and in safety, in all seasons, regions, and situations, and there is +no sufficient reason why those who are ever present in the spirit should be +materially separated. Thou hast only to say a word, to whisper a hope, to +breathe a wish, and I will throw myself a repentant truant at thy feet and +implore thy pity. When united, however, we will not lose ourselves in the +sordid and narrow paths of selfishness, but come forth again in company to +acquire a new and still more powerful hold on this beautiful creation, of +which, by this act, I acknowledge thee to be the most divine portion. +</p> + +<p> +“Dearest, dearest Anna, thine and the species’, +</p> + +<p> +“Forever, +</p> + +<p> +“JOHN GOLDENCALF. “TO MISS ETHERINGTON.” +</p> + +<p> +If there was ever a happy fellow on earth it was myself when this letter was +written, sealed, and fairly despatched. The die was cast, and I walked into the +air a regenerated and an elastic being! Let what might happen, I was sure of +Anna. Her gentleness would calm my irritability; her prudence temper my +energies; her bland but enduring affections soothe my soul. I felt at peace +with all around me, myself included, and I found a sweet assurance of the +wisdom of the step I had just taken in the expanding sentiment. If such were my +sensations now that every thought centred in Anna, what would they not become +when these personal transports were cooled by habit, and nature was left to the +action of the ordinary impulses! I began to doubt of the infallibility of that +part of my system which had given me so much pain, and to incline to the new +doctrine that by concentration on particular parts we come most to love the +whole. On examination there was reason to question whether it was not on this +principle even that, as an especial landholder, I attained so great an interest +in my native island; for while I certainly did not own the whole of Great +Britain, I felt that I had a profound respect for everything in it that was in +any, even the most remote manner, connected with my own particular possessions. +</p> + +<p> +A week flew by in delightful anticipations. The happiness of this short but +heavenly period became so exciting, so exquisite, that I was on the point of +giving birth to an improvement on my theory (or rather on the theory of the +political economists and constitution-mongers, for it is in fact theirs and not +mine), when the answer of Anna was received. If anticipation be a state of so +much happiness—happiness being the great pursuit of man—why not invent a purely +probationary condition of society?—why not change its elementary features from +positive to anticipating interests, which would give more zest to life, and +bestow felicity unimpaired by the dross of realities? I had determined to carry +out this principle in practice by an experiment, and left the hotel to order an +agent to advertise, and to enter into a treaty or two, for some new investments +(without the smallest intention of bringing them to a conclusion), when the +porter delivered me the ardently expected letter. I never knew what would be +the effect of taking a stake in society by anticipation, therefore; the +contents of Anna’s missive driving every subject that was not immediately +connected with the dear writer, and with sad realities, completely out of my +head. It is not improbable, however, that the new theory would have proved to +be faulty, for I have often had occasion to remark that heirs (in remainder, +for instance), manifest an hostility to the estate, by carrying out the +principle of anticipation, rather than any of that prudent respect for social +consequences to which the legislator looks with so much anxiety. +</p> + +<p> +The letter of Anna was in the following words: +</p> + +<p> +“Good—nay, Dear JOHN: +</p> + +<p> +“Thy letter was put into my hands yesterday. This is the fifth answer I have +commenced, and you will therefore see that I do not write without reflection. I +know thy excellent heart, John, better than it is known to thyself. It has +either led thee to the discovery of a secret of the last importance to thy +fellow-creatures, or it has led thee cruelly astray. An experiment so noble and +so praiseworthy ought not to be abandoned on account of a few momentary +misgivings concerning the result. Do not stay thy eagle flight at the instant +thou art soaring so near the sun! Should we both judge it for our mutual +happiness, I can become thy wife at a future day. We are still young, and there +is no urgency for an immediate union. In the mean time, I will endeavor to +prepare myself to be the companion of a philanthropist by practising on thy +theory, and, by expanding my own affections, render myself worthy to be the +wife of one who has so large a stake in society, and who loves so many and so +truly. +</p> + +<p> +“Thine imitator and friend, +</p> + +<p> +“Without change, +</p> + +<p> +“ANNA ETHERINGTON. +</p> + +<p> +“To Sir JOHN GOLDENCALF, Bart. +</p> + +<p> +“P.S.—You may perceive that I am in a state of improvement, for I have just +refused the hand of Lord M’Dee, because I found I loved all his neighbors quite +as well as I loved the young peer himself.” +</p> + +<p> +Ten thousand furies took possession of my soul, in the shape of so many demons +of jealousy. Anna expanding her affections! Anna taking any other stake in +society than that I made sure she would accept through me! Anna teaching +herself to love more than one, and that one myself! The thought was madness. I +did not believe in the sincerity of her refusal of Lord M’Dee. I ran for a copy +of the Peerage (for since my own elevation in life I regularly bought both that +work and the Baronetage), and turned to the page that contained his name. He +was a Scottish viscount who had just been created a baron of the united +kingdom, and his age was precisely that of my own. Here was a rival to excite +distrust. By a singular contradiction in sentiments, the more I dreaded his +power to injure me, the more I undervalued his means. While I fancied Anna was +merely playing with me, and had in secret made up her mind to be a peeress, I +had no doubt that the subject of her choice was both ill-favored and awkward, +and had cheek-bones like a Tartar. While reading of the great antiquity of his +family (which reached obscurity in the thirteenth century), I set it down as +established that the first of his unknown predecessors was a bare-legged thief, +and, at the very moment that I imagined Anna was smiling on him, and retracting +her coquettish denial, I could have sworn that he spoke with an unintelligible +border accent, and that he had red hair! +</p> + +<p> +The torment of such pictures grew to be intolerable, and I rushed into the open +air for relief. How long or whither I wandered I know not; but on the morning +of the following day I found I was seated in a guinguette near the base of +Montmartre, eagerly devouring a roll and refreshing myself with sour wine. When +a little recovered from the shock of discovering myself in a situation so novel +(for having no investment in guinguettes, I had not taken sufficient interest +in these popular establishments ever to enter one before), I had leisure to +look about and survey the company. Some fifty Frenchmen of the laboring classes +were drinking on every side, and talking with a vehemence of gesticulation and +a clamor that completely annihilated thought. This then, thought I, is a scene +of popular happiness. These creatures are excellent fellows, enjoying +themselves on liquor that has not paid the city duty, and perhaps I may seize +upon some point that favors my system among spirits so frank and clamorous. +Doubtless if any one among them is in possession of any important social secret +it will not fail to escape him here. From meditations of this philosophical +character I was suddenly aroused by a violent blow before me, accompanied with +an exclamation in very tolerable English of the word, +</p> + +<p> +“King!” +</p> + +<p> +On the centre of the board which did the office of a table, and directly +beneath my eyes, lay a clenched fist of fearful dimensions, that in color and +protuberances bore a good deal of resemblance to a freshly unearthed Jerusalem +artichoke. Its sinews seemed to be cracking with tension, and the whole knob +was so expressive of intense pugnacity that my eyes involuntarily sought its +owner’s face. I had unconsciously taken my seat directly opposite a man whose +stature was nearly double that of the compact, bustling sputtering, and sturdy +little fellows who were bawling on every side of us, and whose skinny lips, +instead of joining in the noise, were so firmly compressed as to render the +crevice of the mouth no more strongly marked than a wrinkle in the brow of a +man of sixty. His complexion was naturally fair, but exposure had tanned the +skin of his face to the color of the crackle of a roasted pig; those parts +which a painter would be apt to term the “high lights” being indicated by +touches of red, nearly as bright as fourth-proof brandy. His eyes were small, +stern, fiery, and very gray; and just at the instant they met my admiring look +they resembled two stray coals that by some means had got separated from the +body of adjacent heat in the face. He had a prominent, well-shaped nose, +athwart which the skin was stretched like leather in the process of being +rubbed down on the currier’s bench, and his ropy black hair was carefully +smoothed over his temples and brows, in a way to show that he was abroad on a +holiday excursion. +</p> + +<p> +When our eyes met, this singular-looking being gave me a nod of friendly +recognition, for no better reason that I could discover than the fact that I +did not appear to be a Frenchman. “Did mortal man ever listen to such fools, +captain?” he observed, as if certain we must think alike on the subject. +</p> + +<p> +“Really I did not attend to what was said; there certainly is much noise.” +</p> + +<p> +“I don’t pretend to understand a word of what they are saying myself; but it +SOUNDS like thorough nonsense.” +</p> + +<p> +“My ear is not yet sufficiently acute to distinguish sense from nonsense by +mere intonation and sound—but it would seem, sir, that you speak English only.” +</p> + +<p> +“Therein you are mistaken; for, being a great traveller, I have been compelled +to look about me, and as a nat’ral consequence I speak a little of all +languages. I do not say that I use the foreign parts of speech always +fundamentally, but then I worry through an idee so as to make it legible and of +use, especially in the way of eating and drinking. As to French, now, I can say +‘don-nez-me some van,’ and ‘don-nez-vous some pan,’ as well as the best of +them; but when there are a dozen throats bawling at once, as is the case with +these here chaps, why one might as well go on the top of Ape’s Hill and hold a +conversation with the people he will meet with there, as to pretend to hold a +rational or a discussional discourse. For my part, where there is to be a +conversation, I like every one to have his turn, keeping up the talk, as it +might be, watch and watch; but among these Frenchmen it is pretty much as if +their idees had been caged, and the door being suddenly opened, they fly out in +a flock, just for the pleasure of saying they are at liberty.” +</p> + +<p> +I now perceived that my companion was a reflecting being, his ratiocination +being connected by regular links, and that he did not boost his philosophy on +the leaping-staff of impulse, like most of those who were sputtering, and +arguing, and wrangling, with untiring lungs, in all corners of the guinguette. +I frankly proposed, therefore, that we should quit the place and walk into the +road, where our discourse would be less disturbed, and consequently more +satisfactory. The proposal was well received, and we left the brawlers, walking +by the outer boulevards towards my hotel in the Rue de Rivoli, by the way of +the Champs Elysees. +</p> + +</div><!--end chapter--> + +<div class="chapter"> + +<h2><a name="link2HCH0007"></a> +CHAPTER VII.<br/> +TOUCHING AN AMPHIBIOUS ANIMAL, A SPECIAL INTRODUCTION, AND ITS CONSEQUENCES.</h2> + +<p> +I soon took an interest in my new acquaintance. He was communicative, shrewd, +and peculiar; and though apt to express himself quaintly, it was always with +the pith of one who had seen a great deal of at least one portion of his +fellow-creatures. The conversation, under such circumstances, did not flag; on +the contrary, it soon grew more interesting by the stranger’s beginning to +touch on his private interests. He told me that he was a mariner who had been +cast ashore by one of the accidents of his calling, and, by way of cutting in a +word in his own favor, he gave me to understand that he had seen a great deal, +more especially of that castle of his fellow-creatures who like himself live by +frequenting the mighty deep. +</p> + +<p> +“I am very happy,” I said, “to have met with a stranger who can give me +information touching an entire class of human beings with whom I have as yet +had but little communion. In order that we may improve the occasion to the +utmost, I propose that we introduce ourselves to each other at once, and swear +an eternal friendship, or, at least, until we may find it convenient to +dispense with the obligation.” +</p> + +<p> +“For my part, I am one who likes the friendship of a dog better than his +enmity,” returned my companion, with a singleness of purpose that left him no +disposition to waste his breath in idle compliments. “I accept the offer, +therefore, with all my heart; and this the more readily because you are the +only one I have met for a week who can ask me how I do without saying, ‘Come +on, cong portez-vous.’ Being used to meet with squalls, however, I shall accept +your offer under the last condition named.” +</p> + +<p> +I liked the stranger’s caution. It denoted a proper care of character, and +furnished a proof of responsibility. The condition was therefore accepted on my +part as frankly as it had been urged on his. +</p> + +<p> +“And now, sir,” I added, when we had shaken each other very cordially by the +hand, “may I presume to ask your name?” +</p> + +<p> +“I am called Noah, and I don’t care who knows it. I am not ashamed of either of +my names, whatever else I may be ashamed of.” +</p> + +<p> +“Noah—?” +</p> + +<p> +“Poke, at your service.” He pronounced the word slowly and very distinctly, as +if what he had just said of his self-confidence were true. As I had afterward +occasion to take his signature, I shall at once give it in the proper +form—“Capt. Noah Poke.” +</p> + +<p> +“Of what part of England are you a native, Mr. Poke?” +</p> + +<p> +“I believe I may say of the new parts.” +</p> + +<p> +“I do not know that any portion of the island was so designated. Will you have +the good-nature to explain yourself?” +</p> + +<p> +“I’m a native of Stunin’tun, in the State of Connecticut, in old New England. +My parents being dead, I was sent to sea a four-year-old, and here I am, +walking about the kingdom of France without a cent in my pocket, a shipwrecked +mariner. Hard as my lot is, to say the truth, I’d about as leave starve as live +by speaking their d—d lingo.” +</p> + +<p> +“Shipwrecked—a mariner—starving—and a Yankee!” +</p> + +<p> +“All that, and maybe more, too; though, by your leave, commodore, we’ll drop +the last title. I’m proud enough to call myself a Yankee, but my back is apt to +get up when I hear an Englishman use the word. We are yet friends, and it may +be well enough to continue so until some good comes of it to one or other of +the parties.” +</p> + +<p> +“I ask your pardon, Mr. Poke, and will not offend again. Have you +circumnavigated the globe?” +</p> + +<p> +Captain Poke snapped his fingers, in pure contempt of the simplicity of the +question. +</p> + +<p> +“Has the moon ever sailed round the ’arth! Look here, a moment, commodore”—he +took from his pocket an apple, of which he had been munching half a-dozen +during the walk, and held it up to view—“draw your lines which way you will on +this sphere; crosswise or lengthwise, up or down, zigzag or parpendic’lar, and +you will not find more traverses than I’ve worked about the old ball!” +</p> + +<p> +“By land as well as by sea?” +</p> + +<p> +“Why, as to the land, I’ve had my share of that, too; for it has been my hard +fortune to run upon it, when a softer bed would have given a more quiet nap. +This is just the present difficulty with me, for I am now tacking about among +these Frenchmen in order to get afloat again, like an alligator floundering in +the mud. I lost my schooner on the northeast coast of Russia—somewhere +hereabouts,” pointing to the precise spot on the apple; “we were up there +trading in skins-and finding no means of reaching home by the road I’d come, +and smelling salt water down hereaway, I’ve been shaping my course westward for +the last eighteen months, steering as near as might be directly athwart Europe +and Asia; and here I am at last within two days’ run of Havre, which is, if I +can get good Yankee planks beneath me once more, within some eighteen or twenty +days’ run of home.” +</p> + +<p> +“You allow me, then, to call the planks Yankee?” +</p> + +<p> +“Call ’em what you please, commodore; though I should prefar to call ’em the +‘Debby and Dolly of Stunin’tun,’ to anything else, for that was the name of the +craft I lost. Well, the best of us are but frail, and the longest-winded man is +no dolphin to swim with his head under water!” +</p> + +<p> +“Pray, Mr. Poke, permit me to ask where you learned to speak the English +language with so much purity?” +</p> + +<p> +“Stunin’tun—I never had a mouthful of schooling but what I got at home. It’s +all homespun. I make no boast of scholarship; but as for navigating, or for +finding my way about the ’arth, I’ll turn my back on no man, unless it be to +leave him behind. Now we have people with us that think a great deal of their +geometry and astronomies, but I hold to no such slender threads. My way is, +when there is occasion to go anywhere, to settle it well in my mind as to the +place, and then to make as straight a wake as natur’ will allow, taking little +account of charts, which are as apt to put you wrong as right; and when they do +get you into a scrape it’s a smasher! Depend on yourself and human natur’, is +my rule; though I admit there is some accommodation in a compass, particularly +in cold weather.” +</p> + +<p> +“Cold weather! I do not well comprehend the distinction.” +</p> + +<p> +“Why, I rather conclude that one’s scent gets to be dullish in a frost; but +this may be no more than a conceit after all, for the two times I’ve been +wrecked were in summer, and both the accidents happened by sheer dint of hard +blowing, and in broad daylight, when nothing human short of a change of wind +could have saved us.” +</p> + +<p> +“And you prefer this peculiar sort of navigation?” +</p> + +<p> +“To all others, especially in the sealing business, which is my raal +occupation. It’s the very best way in the world to discover islands; and +everybody knows that we sealers are always on the lookout for su’thin’ of that +sort.” +</p> + +<p> +“Will you suffer me to inquire, Captain Poke, how many times you have doubled +Cape Horn?” +</p> + +<p> +My navigator threw a quick, jealous glance at me, as if he distrusted the +nature of the question. +</p> + +<p> +“Why, that is neither here nor there; perhaps I don’t double either of the +capes, perhaps I do. I get into the South Sea with my craft, and it’s of no +great moment how it’s done. A skin is worth just as much in the market, though +the furrier may not happen to have a glossary of the road it has travelled.” +</p> + +<p> +“A glossary?” +</p> + +<p> +“What matters a signification, commodore, when people understand each other? +This overland journey has put me to my wits, for you will understand that I’ve +had to travel among natives that cannot speak a syllable of the homespun; so I +brought the schooner’s dictionary with me as a sort of terrestrial almanac, and +I fancied that, as they spoke gibberish to me, the best way was to give it to +them back again as near as might be in their own coin, hoping I might hit on +su’thin’ to their liking. By this means I’ve come to be rather more voluble +than formerly.” +</p> + +<p> +“The idea was happy.” +</p> + +<p> +“No doubt it was, as is just evinced. But having given you a pretty clear +insight into my natur’ and occupation, it is time that I ask a few questions of +you. This is a business, you must know, at which we do a good deal at +Stunin’tun, and at which we are commonly thought to be handy,” +</p> + +<p> +“Put your questions, Captain Poke; I hope the answers will be satisfactory.” +</p> + +<p> +“Your name?” +</p> + +<p> +“John Goldencalf—by the favor of his majesty, Sir John Goldencalf, Baronet.” +</p> + +<p> +“Sir John Goldencalf—by the favor of his majesty, a baronet! Is baronet a +calling? or what sort of a crittur or thing is it?” +</p> + +<p> +“It is my rank in the kingdom to which I belong.” +</p> + +<p> +“I begin to understand what you mean. Among your nation mankind is what we call +stationed, like a ship’s people that are called to go about; you have a certain +berth in that kingdom of yours, much as I should have in a sealing schooner.” +</p> + +<p> +“Exactly so; and I presume you will allow that order, and propriety, and safety +result from this method among mariners?” +</p> + +<p> +“No doubt—no doubt, we station anew, however, each v’yage, according to +experience; I’m not so sure that it would do to take even the cook from father +to son, or we might have a pretty mess of it.” +</p> + +<p> +Here the sealer commenced a series of questions, which he put with a vigor and +perseverance that I fear left me without a single fact of my life unrevealed, +except those connected with the sacred sentiment that bound me to Anna, and +which were far too hallowed to escape me even under the ordeal of a Stunin’tun +inquisitor. In short, finding that I was nearly helpless in such hands, I made +a merit of necessity, and yielded up my secrets as wood in a vice discharges +its moisture. It was scarcely possible that a mind like mine, subjected to the +action of such a pair of moral screws, should not yield some hints touching its +besetting propensities. The Captain seized this clew, and he went at the theory +like a bulldog at the muzzle of an ox. +</p> + +<p> +To oblige him, therefore, I entered at some length into an explanation of my +system. After the general remarks that were necessary to give a stranger an +insight into its leading principles, I gave him to understand that I had long +been looking for one like him, for a purpose that shall now be explained to the +reader. I had entertained some negotiations with Tamahamaah, and had certain +investments in the pearl and whale fisheries, it is true; but on the whole my +relations with all that portion of mankind who inhabit the islands of the +Pacific, the northwest coast of America, and the northeast coast of the old +continent, were rather loose, and generally in an unsettled and vague +condition; and it appeared to me that I had been singularly favored in having a +man so well adapted to their regeneration thrown as it were by Providence, and +in a manner so unusual, directly in my way. I now frankly proposed, therefore, +to fit out an expedition, that should be partly of trade and partly of +discovery, in order to expand my interests in this new direction, and to place +my new acquaintance at its head. Ten minutes of earnest explanation on my part +sufficed to put my companion in possession of the leading features of the plan. +When I had ended this direct appeal to his love of enterprise, I was answered +by the favorite exclamation of— +</p> + +<p> +“King!” +</p> + +<p> +“I do not wonder, Captain Poke, that your admiration breaks out in this manner; +for I believe few men fairly enter into the beauty of this benevolent system +who are not struck equally with its grandeur and its simplicity. May I count on +your assistance?” +</p> + +<p> +“This is a new idee, Sir Goldencalf—” +</p> + +<p> +“Sir John Goldencalf, if you please, sir.” +</p> + +<p> +“A new idee, Sir John Goldencalf, and it needs circumspection. Circumspection +in a bargain is the certain way to steer clear of misunderstandings. You wish a +navigator to take your craft, let her be what she will, into unknown seas, and +I wish, naturally, to make a straight course for Stunin’tun. You see the +bargain is in apogee, from the start.” +</p> + +<p> +“Money is no consideration with me, Captain Poke.” +</p> + +<p> +“Well, this is an idee that has brought many a more difficult contract at once +into perigee, Sir John Goldencalf. Money is always a considerable consideration +with me, and I may say, also, just now it is rather more so than usual. But +when a gentleman clears the way as handsomely as you have now done, any bargain +may be counted as a good deal more than half made.” +</p> + +<p> +A few explicit explanations disposed of this part of the subject, and Captain +Poke accepted of my terms in the spirit of frankness with which they were made. +Perhaps his decision was quickened by an offer of twenty Napoleons, which I did +not neglect making on the spot. Amicable and in some respects confidential +relations were now established between my new acquaintance and myself; and we +pursued our walk, discussing the details necessary to the execution of our +project. After an hour or two passed in this manner, I invited my companion to +go to my hotel, meaning that he should partake of my board until we could both +depart for England, where it was my intention to purchase without delay a +vessel for the contemplated voyage, in which I also had decided to embark in +person. +</p> + +<p> +We were obliged to make our way through the throng that usually frequents the +lower part of the Champs Elysees during the season of good weather and towards +the close of the day. This task was nearly over when my attention was +particularly drawn to a group that was just entering the place of general +resort, apparently with the design of adding to the scene of thoughtlessness +and amusement. But as I am now approaching the most material part of this +extraordinary work, it will be proper to reserve the opening for a new chapter. +</p> + +</div><!--end chapter--> + +<div class="chapter"> + +<h2><a name="link2HCH0008"></a> +CHAPTER VIII.<br/> +AN INTRODUCTION TO FOUR NEW CHARACTERS, SOME TOUCHES OF PHILOSOPHY, AND A FEW +CAPITAL THOUGHTS ON POLITICAL ECONOMY.</h2> + +<p> +The group which drew my attention was composed of six individuals, two of which +were animals of the genus homo, or what is vulgarly termed man; and the +remainder were of the order primates, and of the class mammalia; or what in +common parlance are called monkeys. +</p> + +<p> +The first were Savoyards, and may be generally described as being unwashed, +ragged, and carnivorous; in color swarthy; in lineaments and expression +avaricious and shrewd; and in appetites voracious. The latter were of the +common species, of the usual size, and of approved gravity. There were two of +each sex; being very equally paired as to years and external advantages. +</p> + +<p> +The monkeys were all habited with more or less of the ordinary attire of our +modern European civilization; but peculiar care had been taken with the toilet +of the senior of the two males. This individual had on the coat of a hussar, a +cut that would have given a particular part of his body a more military contour +than comported with his real character were it not for a red petticoat that was +made shorter than common; less, however, with a view to show a pretty foot and +ankle than to leave the nether limbs at liberty to go through with certain +extravagant efforts which the Savoyards were unmercifully exacting from his +natural agility. He wore a Spanish hat, decorated with a few bedraggled +feathers, a white cockade, and a wooden sword. In addition to the latter, he +carried in his hand a small broom. +</p> + +<p> +Observing that my attention was strongly attracted to this party, the +ill-favored Savoyards immediately commenced a series of experiments in +saltation, with the sole view, beyond a question, to profit by my curiosity. +The inoffensive victims of this act of brutal tyranny submitted with a patience +worthy of the profoundest philosophy, meeting the wishes of their masters with +a readiness and dexterity that was beyond all praise. One swept the earth, +another leaped on the back of a dog, a third threw himself head-over-heels +again and again without a murmur, and the fourth moved gracefully to and fro, +like a young girl in a quadrille. All this might have passed without calling +for particular remark (since, alas! the spectacle is only too common), were it +not for certain eloquent appeals that were made to me through the eyes by the +individual in the hussar jacket. His look was rarely averted from my face for a +moment, and in this way a silent communion was soon established between us. I +observed that his gravity was indomitable. Nothing could elicit a smile or a +change of countenance. Obedient to the whip of his brutal master, he never +refused the required leap; for minutes at a time his legs and petticoat +described confused circles in the air, appearing to have taken a final leave of +the earth; but, the effort ended, he invariably descended to the ground with a +quiet dignity and composure that showed how little the inward monkey partook of +the antics of the outward animal. Drawing my companion a little aside, I +ventured to suggest a few thoughts to him on the subject. +</p> + +<p> +“Really, Captain Poke, it appears to me there is great injustice in the +treatment of these poor creatures!” I said. “What right have these two +foul-looking blackguards to seize upon beings much more interesting to the eye +and, I dare say, far more intellectual than themselves, and cause them to throw +their legs about in this extravagant manner, under the penalty of stripes, and +without regard to their feelings or their convenience? I say, sir, the measure +appears to me intolerably oppressive, and it calls for prompt redress.” +</p> + +<p> +“King!” +</p> + +<p> +“King or subject, it does not alter the moral deformity of the act. What have +these innocent beings done that they should be subjected to this disgrace? Are +they not flesh and blood like ourselves—do they not approach nearer to our form +and, for aught we know to the contrary, to our reason, than any other animal? +and is it tolerable that our nearest imitations, our very cousins, should be +thus dealt by? Are they dogs that they are treated like dogs?” +</p> + +<p> +“Why, to my notion, Sir John, there isn’t a dog on ’arth that can take such a +summerset. Their flapjacks are quite extraor’nary!” +</p> + +<p> +“Yes, sir, and more than extraordinary; they are oppressive. Place yourself, +Mr. Poke, for a single instant, in the situation of one of these persons; fancy +that you had a hussar jacket squeezed upon your brawny shoulders, a petticoat +placed over your lower extremities, a Spanish hat with bedraggled feathers set +upon your head, a wooden sword stuck at your side, and a broom put into your +hand; and that these two Savoyards were to menace you with stripes unless you +consented to throw summersets for the amusement of strangers—I only ask you to +make the case your own sir, and then say what course you would take and what +you would do?” +</p> + +<p> +“I would lick both of these young blackguards, Sir John, without remorse, break +the sword and broom over their heads, kick their sensibilities till they +couldn’t see, and take my course for Stunin’tun, where I belong.” +</p> + +<p> +“Yes, sir, this might do with the Savoyards, who are young and feeble—” +</p> + +<p> +“’Twouldn’t alter the case much if two of these Frenchmen were in their +places,” put in the Captain, glaring wolfishly about him. “To be plain with +you, Sir John Goldencalf, being human, I’d submit to no such monkey tricks.” +</p> + +<p> +“Do not use the term reproachfully, Mr. Poke, I entreat of you. We call these +animals monkeys, it is true; but we do not know what they call themselves. Man +is merely an animal, and you must very well know—” +</p> + +<p> +“Harkee, Sir John,” interrupted the Captain, “I’m no botanist, and do not +pretend to more schooling than a sealer has need of for finding his way about +the ’arth; but as for a man’s being an animal, I just wish to ask you, now, if +in your judgment a hog is also an animal?” +</p> + +<p> +“Beyond a doubt—and fleas, and toads, and sea-serpents, and lizards, and +water-devils—we are all neither more nor less than animals.” +</p> + +<p> +“Well, if a hog is an animal, I am willing to allow the relationship; for in +the course of my experience, which is not small, I have met with men that you +might have mistaken for hogs, in everything but the bristles, the snout, and +the tail. I’ll never deny what I’ve seen with my own eyes, though I suffer for +it; and therefore I admit that, hogs being animals, it is more than likely that +some men must be animals too.” +</p> + +<p> +“We call these interesting beings monkeys; but how do we know that they do not +return the compliment, and call us, in their own particular dialect, something +quite as offensive? It would become our species to manifest a more equitable +and philosophical spirit, and to consider these interesting strangers as an +unfortunate family which has fallen into the hands of brutes, and which is in +every way entitled to our commiseration and our active interference. Hitherto I +have never sufficiently stimulated my sympathies for the animal world by any +investment in quadrupeds; but it is my intention to write to-morrow to my +English agent to purchase a pack of hounds and a suitable stud of horses; and +by way of quickening so laudable a resolution, I shall forthwith make +propositions to the Savoyards for the speedy emancipation of this family of +amiable foreigners. The slave-trade is an innocent pastime compared to the +cruel oppression that the gentleman in the Spanish hat, in particular, is +compelled to endure.” +</p> + +<p> +“King!” +</p> + +<p> +“He may be a king, sure enough, in his own country, Captain Poke; a fact that +would add tenfold agony to his unmerited sufferings.” +</p> + +<p> +Hereupon I proceeded without more ado to open a negotiation with the Savoyards. +The judicious application of a few Napoleons soon brought about a happy +understanding between the contracting parties, when the Savoyards transferred +to my hands the strings which confined their vassals, as the formal and usual +acknowledgment of the right of ownership. Committing the three others to the +keeping of Mr. Poke, I led the individual in the hussar jacket a little on one +side, and raising my hat to show that I was superior to the vulgar feelings of +feudal superiority, I addressed him briefly in the following words: +</p> + +<p> +“Although I have ostensibly bought the right which these Savoyards professed to +have in your person and services, I seize an early occasion to inform you that +virtually you are now free. As we are among a people accustomed to see your +race in subjection, however, it may not be prudent to proclaim the nature of +the present transaction, lest there might be some further conspiracies against +your natural rights. We will retire to my hotel forthwith, therefore, where +your future happiness shall be the subject of our more mature and of our united +deliberations.” +</p> + +<p> +The respectable stranger in the hussar jacket heard me with inimitable gravity +and self-command until, in the warmth of feeling, I raised an arm in earnest +gesticulation, when, most probably overcome by the emotions of delight that +were naturally awakened in his bosom by this sudden change in his fortune, he +threw three summersets, or flapjacks, as Captain Poke had quaintly designated +his evolutions, in such rapid succession as to render it for a moment a matter +of doubt whether nature had placed his head or his heels uppermost. +</p> + +<p> +Making a sign for Captain Poke to follow, I now took my way directly to the Rue +de Rivoli. We were attended by a constantly increasing crowd until the gate of +the hotel was fairly entered; and glad was I to see my charge safely housed, +for there were abundant indications of another design upon their rights in the +taunts and ridicule of the living mass that rolled up as it were upon our +heels. On reaching my own apartments, a courier who had been waiting my return, +and who had just arrived express from England, put a packet into my hands, +stating that it came from my principal English agent. Hasty orders were given +to attend to the comfort and wants of Captain Poke and the strangers (orders +that were in no danger of being neglected, since Sir John Goldencalf, with the +reputed annual revenue of three millions of francs, had unlimited credit with +all the inhabitants of the hotel); and I hurried into my cabinet and sat down +to the eager perusal of the different communications. +</p> + +<p> +Alas! there was not a line from Anna! The obdurate girl still trifled with my +misery; and in revenge I entertained a momentary resolution of adopting the +notions of Mahmoud, in order to qualify myself to set up a harem. +</p> + +<p> +The letters were from a variety of correspondents, embracing many of those who +were entrusted with the care of my interests in very opposite quarters of the +world. Half an hour before I had been dying to open more intimate relations +with the interesting strangers; but my thoughts instantly took a new direction, +and I soon found that the painful sentiments I had entertained touching their +welfare and happiness were quite lost in the newly awakened interests that lay +before me. It is in this simple manner, no doubt, that the system to which I am +a convert effects no small part of its own great purposes. No sooner does any +one interest grow painful by excess than a new claim arises to divert the +thoughts, a new demand is made on the sensibilities; and by lowering our +affections from the intensity of selfishness to the more bland and equable +feeling of impartiality, forms that just and generous condition of the mind at +which the political economists aim when they dilate on the glories and +advantages of their favorite theory of the social stake. +</p> + +<p> +In this happy frame of mind I fell to reading the letters with avidity and with +the godlike determination to reverence Providence and to do justice. Fiat +justitia ruat coelum! +</p> + +<p> +The first epistle was from the agent of the principal West India estate. He +acquainted me with the fact that all hopes from the expected crop were +destroyed by a hurricane, and he begged that I would furnish the means +necessary to carry on the affairs of the plantation until another season might +repair the loss. Priding myself on punctuality as a man of business, before I +broke another seal a letter was written to a banker in London requesting him to +supply the necessary credits, and to notify the agents in the West Indies of +the circumstance. As he was a member of parliament, I seized the occasion also +to press upon him the necessity of government’s introducing some early measure +for the protection of the sugar-growers, a most meritorious class of his +fellow-subjects, and one whose exposures and actual losses called loudly for +relief of this nature. As I closed the letter I could not help dwelling with +complacency on the zeal and promptitude with which I had acted—the certain +proof of the usefulness of the theory of investments. +</p> + +<p> +The second communication was from the manager of an East India property, that +very happily came with its offering to fill the vacuum left by the failure of +the crops just mentioned. Sugar was likely to be a drug in the peninsula, and +my correspondent stated that the cost of transportation being so much greater +than from the other colonies, this advantage would be entirely lost unless +government did something to restore the East Indian to his natural equality. I +enclosed this letter in one to my Lord Say and Do, who was in the ministry, +asking him in the most laconic and pointed terms whether it were possible for +the empire to prosper when one portion of it was left in possession of +exclusive advantages, to the prejudice of all the others? As this question was +put with a truly British spirit, I hope it had some tendency to open the eyes +of his majesty’s ministers; for much was shortly after said, both in the +journals and in parliament, on the necessity of protecting our East Indian +fellow-subjects, and of doing natural justice by establishing the national +prosperity on the only firm basis, that of free trade. +</p> + +<p> +The next letter was from the acting partner of a large manufacturing house to +which I had advanced quite half the capital, in order to enter into a +sympathetic communion with the cotton-spinners. The writer complained heavily +of the import duty on the raw material, made some poignant allusions to the +increasing competition on the continent and in America, and pretty clearly +intimated that the lord of the manor of Householder ought to make himself felt +by the administration in a question of so much magnitude to the nation. On this +hint I spake. I sat down on the spot and wrote a long letter to my friend Lord +Pledge, in which I pointed out to him the danger that threatened our political +economy; that we were imitating the false theories of the Americans (the +countrymen of Captain Poke), that trade was clearly never so prosperous as when +it was the most successful, that success depended on effort, and effort was the +most efficient when the least encumbered, and in short that as it was +self-evident a man would jump farther without being in foot-irons, or strike +harder without being hand-cuffed, so it was equally apparent that a merchant +would make a better bargain for himself when he could have things all his own +way than when his enterprise and industry were shackled by the impertinent and +selfish interposition of the interests of others. In conclusion there was an +eloquent description of the demoralizing consequences of smuggling, and a +pungent attack on the tendencies of taxation in general. I have written and +said some good things in my time, as several of my dependents have sworn to me +in a way that even my natural modesty cannot repudiate; but I shall be excused +for the weakness if I now add that I believe this letter to Lord Pledge +contained some as clever points as anything I remember in their way; the last +paragraph in particular being positively the neatest and the best turned moral +I ever produced. +</p> + +<p> +Letter fourth was from the steward of the Householder estate. He spoke of the +difficulty of getting the rents; a difficulty that he imputed altogether to the +low price of corn. He said that it would soon be necessary to relet certain +farms; and he feared that the unthinking cry against the corn-laws would affect +the conditions. It was incumbent on the landed interest to keep an eye on the +popular tendencies as respected this subject, for any material variation from +the present system would lower the rental of all the grain-growing counties in +England thirty per cent, at least at a blow. He concluded with a very hard rap +at the agrarians, a party that was just coming a little into notice in Great +Britain, and by a very ingenious turn, in which he completely demonstrated that +the protection of the landlord and the support of the Protestant religion were +indissolubly connected. There was also a vigorous appeal to the common sense of +the subject on the danger to be apprehended by the people from themselves; +which he treated in a way that, a little more expanded, would have made a +delightful homily on the rights of man. +</p> + +<p> +I believe I meditated on the contents of this letter fully an hour. Its writer, +John Dobbs, was as worthy and upright a fellow as ever breathed; and I could +not but admire the surprising knowledge of men which shone through every line +he had indited. Something must be done it was clear; and at length I determined +to take the bull by the horns and to address Mr. Huskisson at once, as the +shortest way of coming at the evil. He was the political sponsor for all the +new notions on the subject of our foreign mercantile policy; and by laying +before him in a strong point of view the fatal consequences of carrying his +system to extremes, I hoped something might yet be done for the owners of real +estate, the bones and sinews of the land. +</p> + +<p> +I shall just add in this place that Mr. Huskisson sent me a very polite and a +very statesman-like reply, in which he disclaimed any intention of meddling +improperly with British interests in any way; that taxation was necessary to +our system, and of course every nation was the best judge of its own means and +resources; but that he merely aimed at the establishment of just and generous +principles, by which nations that had no occasion for British measures should +not unhandsomely resort to them; and that certain external truths should stand, +like so many well-constructed tubs, each on its own bottom. I must say I was +pleased with this attention from a man generally reputed as clever as Mr. +Huskisson, and from that time I became a convert to most of his opinions. +</p> + +<p> +The next communication that I opened was from the overseer of the estate in +Louisiana, who informed me that the general aspect of things in that quarter of +the world was favorable, but the smallpox had found its way among the negroes, +and the business of the plantation would immediately require the services of +fifteen able-bodied men, with the usual sprinkling of women and children. He +added that the laws of America prohibited the further importation of blacks +from any country without the limits of the Union, but that there was a very +pretty and profitable internal trade in the article, and that the supply might +be obtained in sufficient season either from the Carolinas, Virginia, or +Maryland. He admitted, however, that there was some choice between the +different stocks of these several States, and that some discretion might be +necessary in making the selection. The negro of the Carolinas was the most used +to the cotton-field, had less occasion for clothes, and it had been proved by +experiment could be fattened on red herrings; while, on the other hand, the +negro farther north had the highest instinct, could sometimes reason, and that +he had even been known to preach when he had got as high up as Philadelphia. He +much affected, also, bacon and poultry. Perhaps it might be well to purchase +samples of lots from all the different stocks in market. +</p> + +<p> +In reply I assented to the latter idea, suggesting the expediency of getting +one or two of the higher castes from the north; I had no objection to preaching +provided they preached work; but I cautioned the overseer particularly against +schismatics. Preaching, in the abstract, could do no harm; all depending on +doctrine. +</p> + +<p> +This advice was given as the result of much earnest observation. Those European +states that had the most obstinately resisted the introduction of letters, I +had recently had occasion to remark were changing their systems, and were about +to act on the principle of causing “fire to fight fire.” They were fast having +recourse to school-books, using no other precaution than the simple expedient +of writing them themselves. By this ingenious invention poison was converted +into food, and truths of all classes were at once put above the dangers of +disputations and heresies. +</p> + +<p> +Having disposed of the Louisianian, I very gladly turned to the opening of the +sixth seal. The letter was from the efficient trustee of a company to whose +funds I had largely contributed by way of making an investment in charity. It +had struck me, a short time previously to quitting home, that interests +positive as most of those I had embarked in had a tendency to render the spirit +worldly; and I saw no other check to such an evil than by seeking for some +association with the saints, in order to set up a balance against the dangerous +propensity. A lucky occasion offered through the wants of the +Philo-African-anti-compulsion-free-labor Society, whose meritorious efforts +were about to cease for the want of the great charity-power—gold. A draft for +five thousand pounds had obtained me the honor of being advertised as a +shareholder and a patron; and, I know not why!—but it certainly caused me to +inquire into the results with far more interest than I had ever before felt in +any similar institution. Perhaps this benevolent anxiety arose from that +principle in our nature which induces us to look after whatever has been our +own as long as any part of it can be seen. +</p> + +<p> +The principal trustee of the Philo-African-anti-compulsion-free-labor Society +now wrote to state that some of the speculations which had gone pari passu with +the charity had been successful, and that the shareholders were, by the +fundamental provisions of the association, entitled to a dividend, but—how +often that awkward word stands between the cup and the lip!—BUT that he was of +opinion the establishment of a new factory near a point where the slavers most +resorted, and where gold-dust and palm-oil were also to be had in the greatest +quantities, and consequently at the lowest prices, would equally benefit trade +and philanthropy; that by a judicious application of our means these two +interests might be made to see-saw very cleverly, as cause and effect, effect +and cause; that the black man would be spared an incalculable amount of misery, +the white man a grievous burden of sin, and the particular agents of so +manifest a good might quite reasonably calculate on making at the very least +forty per cent. per annum on their money besides having all their souls saved +in the bargain. Of course I assented to a proposition so reasonable in itself, +and which offered benefits so plausible! +</p> + +<p> +The next epistle was from the head of a great commercial house in Spain in +which I had taken some shares, and whose interests had been temporarily +deranged by the throes of the people in their efforts to obtain redress for +real or imaginary wrongs. My correspondent showed a proper indignation on the +occasion, and was not sparing in his language whenever he was called to speak +of popular tumults. “What do the wretches wish?” he asked with much point—“Our +lives as well as our property? Ah! my dear sir, this bitter fact impresses us +all (by us he meant the mercantile interests) with the importance of strong +executives. Where should we have been but for the bayonets of the king? or what +would have become of our altars, our firesides, and our persons, had it not +pleased God to grant us a monarch indomitable in will, brave in spirit, and +quick in action?” I wrote a proper answer of congratulation and turned to the +next epistle, which was the last of the communications. +</p> + +<p> +The eighth letter was from the acting head of another commercial house in New +York, United States of America, or the country of Captain Poke, where it would +seem the president by a decided exercise of his authority had drawn upon +himself the execrations of a large portion of the commercial interests of the +country; since the effect of the measure, right or wrong, as a legitimate +consequence or not, by hook or by crook, had been to render money scarce. There +is no man so keen in his philippics, so acute in discovering and so prompt in +analyzing facts, so animated in his philosophy, and so eloquent in his +complaints, as your debtor when money unexpectedly gets to be scarce. Credit, +comfort, bones, sinews, marrow and all appear to depend on the result; and it +is no wonder that, under so lively impressions, men who have hitherto been +content to jog on in the regular and quiet habits of barter, should suddenly +start up into logicians, politicians, aye, or even into magicians. Such had +been the case with my present correspondent, who seemed to know and to care as +little in general of the polity of his own country as if he had never been in +it, but who now was ready to split hairs with a metaphysician, and who could +not have written more complacently of the constitution if he had even read it. +My limits will not allow an insertion of the whole letter, but one or two of +its sentences shall be given. “Is it tolerable, my dear sir,” he went on to +say, “that the executive of ANY country, I will not say merely of our own, +should possess, or exercise, even admitting that he does possess them, such +unheard of powers? Our condition is worse than that of the Mussulmans, who in +losing their money usually lose their heads, and are left in a happy +insensibility to their sufferings: but, alas! there is an end of the much +boasted liberty of America! The executive has swallowed up all the other +branches of the government, and the next thing will be to swallow up us. Our +altars, our firesides, and our persons will shortly be invaded; and I much fear +that my next letter will be received by you long after all correspondence shall +be prohibited, every means of communication cut off, and we ourselves shall be +precluded from writing, by being chained like beasts of burden to the car of a +bloody tyrant.” Then followed as pretty a string of epithets as I remember to +have heard from the mouth of the veriest shrew at Billingsgate. +</p> + +<p> +I could not but admire the virtue of the “social-stake system,” which kept men +so sensibly alive to all their rights, let them live where they would, or under +what form of government, which was so admirably suited to sustain truth and +render us just. In reply I sent back epithet for epithet, echoed all the groans +of my correspondent, and railed as became a man who was connected with a losing +concern. +</p> + +<p> +This closed my correspondence for the present, and I arose wearied with my +labors, and yet greatly rejoicing in their fruits. It was now late, but +excitement prevented sleep; and before retiring for the night I could not help +looking in upon my guests. Captain Poke had gone to a room in another part of +the hotel, but the family of amiable strangers were fast asleep in the +antechamber. They had supped heartily as I was assured, and were now indulging +in a happy but temporary oblivion—to use an improved expression—of all their +wrongs. Satisfied with this state of things, I now sought my own pillow, or, +according to a favorite phrase of Mr. Noah Poke, I also “turned in.” +</p> + +</div><!--end chapter--> + +<div class="chapter"> + +<h2><a name="link2HCH0009"></a> +CHAPTER IX.<br/> +THE COMMENCEMENT OF WONDERS, WHICH ARE THE MORE EXTRAORDINARY ON ACCOUNT OF +THEIR TRUTH.</h2> + +<p> +I dare say my head had been on the pillow fully an hour before sleep closed my +eyes. During this time I had abundant occasion to understand the activity of +what are called the “busy thoughts.” Mine were feverish, glowing, and restless. +They wandered over a wild field; one that included Anna, with her beauty, her +mild truth, her womanly softness, and her womanly cruelty; Captain Poke and his +peculiar opinions; the amiable family of quadrupeds and their wounded +sensibilities; the excellences of the social-stake system; and, in short, most +of that which I had seen and heard during the last four-and-twenty hours. When +sleep did tardily arrive, it overtook me at the very moment that I had inwardly +vowed to forget my heartless mistress, and to devote the remainder of my life +to the promulgation of the doctrine of the +expansive-super-human-generalized-affection-principle, to the utter exclusion +of all narrow and selfish views, and in which I resolved to associate myself +with Mr. Poke, as with one who had seen a great deal of this earth and its +inhabitants, without narrowing down his sympathies in favor of any one place or +person in particular, Stunin’tun and himself very properly excepted. +</p> + +<p> +It was broad daylight when I awoke on the following morning. My spirits were +calmed by rest, and my nerves had been soothed by the balmy freshness of the +atmosphere. It appeared that my valet had entered and admitted the morning air, +and then had withdrawn as usual to await the signal of the bell before he +presumed to reappear. I lay many minutes in delicious repose, enjoying the +periodical return of life and reason, bringing with it the pleasures of thought +and its ten thousand agreeable associations. The delightful reverie into which +I was insensibly dropping was, however, ere long arrested by low, murmuring, +and, as I thought, plaintive voices at no great distance from my own bed. +Seating myself erect, I listened intently and with a good deal of surprise; for +it was not easy to imagine whence sounds so unusual for that place and hour +could proceed. The discourse was earnest and even animated; but it was carried +on in so low a tone that it would have been utterly inaudible but for the deep +quiet of the hotel. Occasionally a word reached my ear, and I was completely at +fault in endeavoring to ascertain even the language. That it was in neither of +the five great European tongues I was certain, for all these I either spoke or +read; and there were particular sounds and inflections that induced me to think +that it savored of the most ancient of the two classics. It is true that the +prosody of these dialects, at the same time that it is a shibboleth of +learning, is a disputed point, the very sounds of the vowels even being a +matter of national convention; the Latin word dux, for instance, being ducks in +England, docks in Italy, and dukes in France: yet there is a ‘je ne sais quoi,’ +a delicacy in the auricular taste of a true scholar, that will rarely lead him +astray when his ears are greeted with words that have been used by Demosthenes +or Cicero. [Footnote: Or Chichero, or Kickero, whichever may happen to suit the +prejudices of the reader.] In the present instance I distinctly heard the word +my-bom-y-nos-fos-kom-i-ton, which I made sure was a verb in the dual number and +second person, of a Greek root, but of a signification that I could not on the +instant master, but which beyond a question every scholar will recognize as +having a strong analogy to a well-known line in Homer. If I was puzzled with +the syllables that accidentally reached me, I was no less perplexed with the +intonations of the voices of the different speakers. While it was easy to +understand they were of the two sexes, they had no direct affinity to the +mumbling sibilations of the English, the vehement monotony of the French, the +gagging sonorousness of the Spaniards, the noisy melody of the Italians, the +ear-splitting octaves of the Germans, or the undulating, head-over-heels +enunciation of the countrymen of my particular acquaintance Captain Noah Poke. +Of all the living languages of which I had any knowledge, the resemblance was +nearer to the Danish and Swedish than to any other; but I much doubted at the +time I first heard the syllables, and still question, if there is exactly such +a word as my-bom-y-nos-fos-kom-i-ton to be found in even either of those +tongues. I could no longer support the suspense. The classical and learned +doubts that beset me grew intensely painful; and arising with the greatest +caution, in order not to alarm the speakers, I prepared to put an end to them +all by the simple and natural process of actual observation. +</p> + +<p> +The voices came from the antechamber, the door of which was slightly open. +Throwing on a dressing-gown, and thrusting my feet into slippers, I moved on +tiptoe to the aperture, and placed my eye in such a situation as enabled me to +command a view of the persons of those who were still earnestly talking in the +adjoining room. All surprise vanished the moment I found that the four monkeys +were grouped in a corner of the apartment, where they were carrying on a very +animated dialogue, the two oldest of the party (a male and a female) being the +principal speakers. It was not to be expected that even a graduate of Oxford, +although belonging to a sect so proverbial for classical lore that many of them +knew nothing else, could at the first hearing decide upon the analogies and +character of a tongue that is so little cultivated even in that ancient sea of +learning. Although I had now certainly a direct clew to the root of the dialect +of the speakers, I found it quite impossible to get any useful acquaintance +with the general drift of what was passing among them. As they were my guests, +however, and might possibly be in want of some of the conveniences that were +necessary to their habits, or might even be suffering under still graver +embarrassments, I conceived it to be a duty to waive the ordinary usages of +society, and at once offer whatever it was in my power to bestow, at the risk +of interrupting concerns that they might possibly wish to consider private. +Using the precaution, therefore, to make a little noise, as the best means of +announcing my approach, the door was gently opened, and I presented myself to +view. At first I was a little at a loss in what manner to address the +strangers; but believing that a people who spoke a language so difficult of +utterance and so rich as that I had just heard, like those who use dialects +derived from the Slavonian root, were most probably the masters of all others; +and remembering, moreover, that French was a medium of thought among all polite +people, I determined to have recourse to that tongue. “Messieurs et mesdames,” +I said, inclining my body in salutation, “mille pardons four cette intrusion +feu convenable”—but as I am writing in English it may be well to translate the +speeches as I proceed; although I abandon with regret the advantage of going +through them literally, and in the appropriate dialect in which they were +originally spoken. +</p> + +<p> +“Gentlemen and ladies,” I said, inclining my body in salutation, “I ask a +thousand pardons for this inopportune intrusion on your retirement; but +overhearing a few of what I much fear are but too well-grounded complaints, +touching the false position in which you are placed as the occupant of this +apartment, and in that light your host, I have ventured to approach, with no +other desire than the wish that you would make me the repository of all your +griefs, in order, if possible, that they may be repaired as soon as +circumstances shall in any manner allow.” +</p> + +<p> +The strangers were very naturally a little startled at my unexpected +appearance, and at the substance of what I had just said. I observed that the +two ladies were apparently in some slight degree even distressed, the younger +turning her head on one side in maiden modesty, while the elder, a duenna sort +of looking person, dropped her eyes to the floor, but succeeded in better +maintaining her self-possession and gravity. The eldest of the two gentlemen +approached me with dignified composure, after a moment of hesitation, and +returning my salute by waving his tail with singular grace and decorum, he +answered as follows. I may as well state in this place that he spoke the French +about as well as an Englishman who has lived long enough on the continent to +fancy he can travel in the provinces without being detected for a foreigner. Au +reste, his accent was slightly Russian, and his enunciation whistling and +harmonious. The females, especially in some of the lower keys of their voices, +made sounds not unlike the sighing tones of the Eolian harp. It was really a +pleasure to hear them; but I have often had occasion to remark that, in every +country but one, which I do not care to name, the language when uttered by the +softer sex takes new charms, and is rendered more delightful to the ear. +</p> + +<p> +“Sir,” said the stranger, when he had done waving his tail, “I should do great +injustice to my feelings, and to the monikin character in general, were I to +neglect expressing some small portion of the gratitude I feel on the present +occasion. Destitute, houseless, insulted wanderers and captives, fortune has at +length shed a ray of happiness on our miserable condition, and hope begins to +shine through the cloud of our distress, like a passing gleam of the sun. From +my very tail, sir, in my own name and in that of this excellent and most +prudent matron, and in those of these two noble and youthful lovers, I thank +you. Yes! honorable and humane being of the genus homo, species Anglicus, we +all return our most tail-felt acknowledgments of your goodness!” +</p> + +<p> +Here the whole party gracefully bent the ornaments in question over their +heads, touching their receding foreheads with the several tips, and bowed. I +would have given ten thousand pounds at that moment to have had a good +investment in tails, in order to emulate their form of courtesy; but naked, +shorn, and destitute as I was, with a feeling of humility I was obliged to put +my head a little on one shoulder and give the ordinary English bob, in return +for their more elaborate politeness. +</p> + +<p> +“If I were merely to say, sir,” I continued, when the opening salutations were +thus properly exchanged, “that I am charmed at this accidental interview, the +word would prove very insufficient to express my delight. Consider this hotel +as your own; its domestics as your domestics; its stores of condiments as your +stores of condiments, and its nominal tenant as your most humble servant and +friend. I have been greatly shocked at the indignities to which you have +hitherto been exposed, and now promise you liberty, kindness, and all those +attentions to which it is very apparent you are fully entitled by your birth, +breeding, and the delicacy of your sentiments. I congratulate myself a thousand +times for having been so fortunate as to make your acquaintance. My greatest +desire has always been to stimulate the sympathies; but until to-day various +accidents have confined the cultivation of this heaven-born property in a great +measure to my own species; I now look forward, however, to a delicious career +of new-born interests in the whole of the animal creation, I need scarcely say +in that of quadrupeds of your family in particular.” +</p> + +<p> +“Whether we belong to the class of quadrupeds or not, is a question that has a +good deal embarrassed our own savans” returned the stranger. “There is an +ambiguity in our physical action that renders the point a little questionable; +and therefore, I think, the higher castes of our natural philosophers rather +prefer classing the entire monikin species, with all its varieties, as +caudae-jactans, or tail-wavers; adopting the term from the nobler part of the +animal formation. Is not this the better opinion at home, my Lord Chatterino?” +he asked, turning to the youth, who stood respectfully at his side. +</p> + +<p> +“Such, I believe, my dear Doctor, was the last classification sanctioned by the +academy,” the young noble replied, with a readiness that proved him to be both +well-informed and intelligent, and at the same time with a reserve of manner +that did equal credit to his modesty and breeding. “The question of whether we +are or are not bipeds has greatly agitated the schools for more than three +centuries.” +</p> + +<p> +“The use of this gentleman’s name,” I hastily rejoined, “my dear sir, reminds +me that we are but half acquainted with each other. Permit me to waive +ceremony, and to announce myself at once as Sir John Goldencalf, Baronet, of +Householder Hall, in the kingdom of Great Britain, a poor admirer of excellence +wherever it is to be found, or under whatever form, and a devotee of the system +of the ‘social-stake.’” +</p> + +<p> +“I am happy to be admitted to the honor of this formal introduction, Sir John. +In return I beg you will suffer me to say that this young nobleman is, in our +own dialect, No. 6, purple; or, to translate the appellation, my Lord +Chat-terino. This young lady is No. 4, violet, or, my Lady Chatterissa. This +excellent and prudent matron is No. 4,626,243, russet, or, Mistress Vigilance +Lynx, to translate her appellation also into the English tongue; and that I am +No. 22,817, brown-study color, or, Dr. Reasono, to give you a literal +signification of my name—a poor disciple of the philosophers of our race, an +LL.D., and a F.U.D.G.E., the travelling tutor of this heir of one of the most +illustrious and the most ancient houses of the island of Leaphigh, in the +monikin section of mortality.” +</p> + +<p> +“Every syllable, learned Dr. Reasono, that falls from your revered lips only +whets curiosity and adds fuel to the flame of desire, tempting me to inquire +further into your private history, your future intentions, the polity of your +species, and all those interesting topics that will readily suggest themselves +to one of your quick apprehension and extensive acquirements. I dread being +thought indiscreet, and yet, putting yourself in my position, I trust you will +overlook a wish so natural and so ardent.” +</p> + +<p> +“Apology is unnecessary, Sir John, and nothing would afford me greater +satisfaction than to answer any and every inquiry you may be disposed to make.” +</p> + +<p> +“Then, sir, to cut short all useless circumlocution, suffer me to ask at once +an explanation of the system of enumeration by which you indicate individuals? +You are called No. 22,817, brown-study color—” +</p> + +<p> +“Or Dr. Reasono. As you are an Englishman, you will perhaps understand me +better if I refer to a recent practice of the new London police. You may have +observed that the men wear letters in red or white, and numbers on the capes of +their coats. By the letters the passenger can refer to the company of the +officer, while the number indicates the individual. Now, the idea of this +improvement came, I make no doubt, from our system, under which society is +divided into castes, for the sake of harmony and subordination, and these +castes are designated by colors and shades of colors that are significant of +their stations and pursuits—the individual, as in the new police, being known +by the number. Our own language being exceedingly sententious, is capable of +expressing the most elaborate of these combinations in a very few sounds. I +should add that there is no difference in the manner of distinguishing the +sexes, with the exception that each is numbered apart, and each has a +counterpart color to that of the same caste in the other sex. Thus purple and +violet are both noble, the former being masculine and the latter feminine, and +russet being the counterpart of brown-study color.” +</p> + +<p> +“And—excuse my natural ardor to know more—and do you bear these numbers and +colors marked on your attire in your own region?” +</p> + +<p> +“As for attire, Sir John, the monikins are too highly improved, mentally and +physically, to need any. It is known that in all cases extremes meet. The +savage is nearer to nature than the merely civilized being, and the creature +that has passed the mystifications of a middle state of improvement finds +himself again approaching nearer to the habits, the wishes, and the opinions of +our common mother. As the real gentleman is more simple in manners than the +distant imitator of his deportment; as fashions and habits are always more +exaggerated in provincial towns than in polished capitals; or as the profound +philosopher has less pretensions than the tyro, so does our common genus, as it +draws nearer to the consummation of its destiny and its highest attainments, +learn to reject the most valued usages of the middle condition, and to return +with ardor towards nature as to a first love. It is on this principle, sir, +that the monikin family never wear clothes.” +</p> + +<p> +“I could not but perceive that the ladies have manifested some embarrassment +ever since I entered—is it possible that their delicacy has taken the alarm at +the state of my toilet?” +</p> + +<p> +“At the toilet itself, Sir John, rather than at its state, if I must speak +plainly. The female mind, trained as it is with us from infancy upwards in the +habits and usages of nature, is shocked by any departure from her rules. You +will know how to make allowances for the squeamishness of the sex, for I +believe it is much alike in this particular, let it come from what quarter of +the earth it may.” +</p> + +<p> +“I can only excuse the seeming want of politeness by my ignorance, Dr. Reasono. +Before I ask another question the oversight shall be repaired. I must retire +into my own chamber for an instant, gentlemen and ladies, and I beg you will +find such sources of amusement as first offer until I can return. There are +nuts, I believe, in this closet; sugar is usually kept on that table, and +perhaps the ladies might find some relaxation by exercising themselves on the +chairs. In a single moment I shall be with you again.” +</p> + +<p> +Hereupon I withdrew into my bed-chamber, and began to lay aside the +dressing-gown as well as my shirt. Remembering, however, that I was but too +liable to colds in the head, I returned to ask Dr. Reasono to step in where I +was for an instant. On mentioning the difficulty, this excellent person assumed +the office of preparing his female friends to overlook the slight innovation of +my still wearing the nightcap and slippers. +</p> + +<p> +“The ladies would think nothing of it,” the philosopher good-humoredly +remarked, by way of lessening my regrets at having wounded their sensibilities, +“were you even to appear in a military cloak and Hessian boots, provided it was +not thought that you were of their acquaintance and in their immediate society. +I think you must have often remarked among the sex of your own species, who are +frequently quite indifferent to nudities (their prejudices running counter to +ours) that appear in the streets, but which would cause them instantly to run +out of the room when exhibited in the person of an acquaintance; these +conventional asides being tolerated everywhere by a judicious concession of +punctilios that might otherwise become insupportable.” +</p> + +<p> +“The distinction is too reasonable to require another word of explanation, dear +sir. Now let us rejoin the ladies, since I am at length in some degree fit to +be seen.” +</p> + +<p> +I was rewarded for this bit of delicate attention by an approving smile from +the lovely Chatterissa, and good Mistress Lynx no longer kept her eyes riveted +on the floor, but bent them on me with looks of admiration and gratitude. +</p> + +<p> +“Now that this little contre-temps is no longer an obstacle,” I resumed, +“permit me to continue those inquiries which you have hitherto answered with so +much amenity and so satisfactorily. As you have no clothes, in what manner is +the parallel between your usage and that of the new London police practically +completed?” +</p> + +<p> +“Although we have no clothes, nature, whose laws are never violated with +impunity, but who is as beneficent as she is absolute, has furnished us with a +downy covering to supply their places wherever clothes are needed for comfort. +We have coats that defy fashions, require no tailors, and never lose their +naps. But it would be inconvenient to be totally clad in this manner; and, +therefore, the palms of the hands are, as you see, ungloved; the portions of +the frame on which we seat ourselves are left uncovered, most probably lest +some inconvenience should arise from taking accidental and unfavorable +positions. This is the part of the monikin frame the best adapted for receiving +paint, and the numbers of which I have spoken are periodically renewed there, +at public offices appointed for that purpose. Our characters are so minute as +to escape the human eye; but by using that opera-glass, I make no doubt that +you may still see some of my own enregistration, although, alas! unusual +friction, great misery, and, I may say, unmerited wrongs, have nearly +un-monikined me in this, as well as in various other particulars.” +</p> + +<p> +As Dr. Reasono had the complaisance to turn round, and to use his tail like the +index of a black-board, by aid of the glass I very distinctly traced the +figures to which he alluded. Instead of being in paint, however, as he had +given me reason to anticipate, they seemed to be branded, or burnt in, +indelibly, as we commonly mark horses, thieves, and negroes. On mentioning the +fact to the philosopher, it was explained with his usual facility and +politeness. +</p> + +<p> +“You are quite right, sir,” he said; “the omission of paint was to prevent +tautology, an offence against the simplicity of the monikin dialect, as well as +against monikin taste, that would have been sufficient, under our opinions, +even to overturn the government.” +</p> + +<p> +“Tautology!” +</p> + +<p> +“Tautology, Sir John; on examining the background of the picture, you will +perceive that it is already of a dusky, sombre hue; now, this being of a +meditative and grave character, has been denominated by our academy the +‘brown-study color’; and it would clearly have been supererogatory to lay the +same tint upon it. No, sir; we avoid repetitions even in our prayers, deeming +them to be so many proofs of an illogical and of an anti-consecutive mind.” +</p> + +<p> +“The system is admirable, and I see new beauties at each moment. You enjoy the +advantage, for instance, under this mode of enumeration, of knowing your +acquaintances from behind, quite as well as if you met them face to face!” +</p> + +<p> +“The suggestion is ingenious, showing an active and an observant mind; but it +does not quite reach the motive of the politico-numerical-identity system of +which we are speaking. The objects of this arrangement are altogether of a +higher and more useful nature; nor do we usually recognize our friends by their +countenances, which at the best are no more than so many false signals, but by +their tails.” +</p> + +<p> +“This is admirable! What a facility you possess for recognizing an acquaintance +who may happen to be up a tree! But may I presume to inquire, Dr. Reasono, what +are the most approved of the advantages of the politico-numerical-identity +system? For impatience is devouring my vitals.” +</p> + +<p> +“They are connected with the interests of government. You know, sir, that +society is established for the purposes of governments, and governments, +themselves, mainly to facilitate contributions and taxations. Now, by the +numerical system, we have every opportunity of including the whole monikin race +in the collections, as they are periodically checked off by their numbers. The +idea was a happy thought of an eminent statistician of ours, who gained great +credit at court by the invention, and, in fact, who was admitted to the academy +in consequence of its ingenuity.” +</p> + +<p> +“Still it must be admitted, my dear Doctor,” put in Lord Chatterino, always +with the modesty, and, perhaps I might add, with the generosity of youth, “that +there are some among us who deny that society was made for governments, and who +maintain that governments were made for society; or, in other words, for +monikins.” +</p> + +<p> +“Mere theorists, my good lord; and their opinions, even if true, are never +practised on. Practice is everything in political matters; and theories are of +no use, except as they confirm practice.” +</p> + +<p> +“Both theory and practice are perfect,” I cried, “and I make no doubt that the +classification into colors, or castes, enables the authorities to commence the +imposts with the richest, or the ‘purples.’” +</p> + +<p> +“Sir, monikin prudence never lays the foundation-stone at the summit; it seeks +the base of the edifice; and as contributions are the walls of society, we +commence with the bottom. When you shall know us better, Sir John Goldencalf, +you will begin to comprehend the beauty and benevolence of the entire monikin +economy.” +</p> + +<p> +I now adverted to the frequent use of this word “monikin”; and, admitting my +ignorance, desired an explanation of the term, as well as a more general +insight into the origin, history, hopes, and polity of the interesting +strangers; if they can be so called who were already so well known to me. Dr. +Reasono admitted that the request was natural and was entitled to respect; but +he delicately suggested the necessity of sustaining the animal function by +nutriment, intimating that the ladies had supped but in an indifferent way the +evening before, and acknowledging that, philosopher as he was, he should go +through the desired explanations after improving the slight acquaintance he had +already made with certain condiments in one of the armoires, with far more zeal +and point, than could possibly be done in the present state of his appetite. +The suggestion was so very plausible that there was no resisting it; and, +suppressing my curiosity as well as I could, the bell was rung. I retired to my +bed-chamber to resume so much of my attire as was necessary to the +semi-civilization of man, and then the necessary orders were given to the +domestics, who, by the way, were suffered to remain under the influence of +those ordinary and vulgar prejudices that are pretty generally entertained by +the human, against the monikin family. +</p> + +<p> +Previously to separating from my new friend Dr. Reasono, however, I took him +aside, and stated that I had an acquaintance in the hotel, a person of singular +philosophy, after the human fashion, and a great traveller; and that I desired +permission to let him into the secret of our intended lecture on the monikin +economy, and to bring him with me as an auditor. To this request, No. 22,817, +brown-study color, or Dr. Reasono, gave a very cordial assent; hinting +delicately, at the same time, his expectation that this new auditor, who, of +course, was no other than Captain Noah Poke, would not deem it disparaging to +his manhood, to consult the sensibilities of the ladies, by appearing in the +garments of that only decent and respectable tailor and draper, nature. To this +suggestion I gave a ready approval; when each went his way, after the usual +salutations of bowing and tail-waving, with a mutual promise of being punctual +to the appointment. +</p> + +</div><!--end chapter--> + +<div class="chapter"> + +<h2><a name="link2HCH0010"></a> +CHAPTER X.<br/> +A GREAT DEAL OF NEGOTIATION, IN WHICH HUMAN SHREWDNESS IS COMPLETELY SHAMED, +AND HUMAN INGENUITY IS SHOWN TO BE OF A VERY SECONDARY QUALITY.</h2> + +<p> +Mr. Poke listened to my account of all that had passed, with a very sedate +gravity. He informed me that he had witnessed so much ingenuity among the +seals, and had known so many brutes that seemed to have the sagacity of men, +and so many men who appeared to have the stupidity of brutes, that he had no +difficulty whatever in believing every word I told him. He expressed his +satisfaction, too, at the prospect of hearing a lecture on natural philosophy +and political economy from the lips of a monkey; although he took occasion to +intimate that no desire to learn anything lay at the bottom of his compliance; +for, in his country, these matters were pretty generally studied in the +district schools, the very children who ran about the streets of ‘Stunin’tun’ +usually knowing more than most of the old people in foreign parts. Still a +monkey might have some new ideas; and for his part, he was willing to hear what +every one had to say; for, if a man didn’t put in a word for himself in this +world, he might be certain no one else would take the pains to speak for him. +But when I came to mention the details of the programme of the forthcoming +interview, and stated that it was expected the audience would wear their own +skins, out of respect to the ladies, I greatly feared that my friend would have +so far excited himself as to go into fits. The rough old sealer swore some +terrible oaths, protesting “that he would not make a monkey of himself, by +appearing in this garb, for all the monikin philosophers, or high-born females, +that could be stowed in a ship’s hold; that he was very liable to take cold; +that he once knew a man who undertook to play beast in this manner, and the +first thing the poor devil knew, he had great claws and a tail sprouting out of +him; a circumstance that he had always attributed to a just judgment for +striving to make himself more than Providence had intended him for; that, +provided a man’s ears were naked, he could hear just as well as if his whole +body was naked; that he did not complain of the monkeys going in their skins, +and that they ought, in reason, not to meddle with his clothes; that he should +be scratching himself the whole time, and thinking what a miserable figure he +cut; that he would have no place to keep his tobacco; that he was apt to be +deaf when he was cold; that he would be d——d if he did any such thing; that +human natur’ and monkey natur’ were not the same, and it was not to be expected +that men and monkeys should follow exactly the same fashions; that the meeting +would have the appearance of a boxing match, instead of a philosophical +lecture; that he never heard of such a thing at Stunin’tun; that he should feel +sneaking at seeing his own shins in the presence of ladies; that a ship always +made better weather under some canvas than under bare poles; that he might +possibly be brought to his shirt and pantaloons, but as for giving up these, he +would as soon think of cutting the sheet-anchor off his bows, with the vessel +driving on a lee-shore; that flesh and blood were flesh and blood, and they +liked their comfort; that he should think the whole time he was about to go in +a-swimming, and should be looking about for a good place to dive”; together +with a great many more similar objections, that have escaped me in the +multitude of things of greater interest which have since occupied my time. I +have frequently had occasion to observe, that, when a man has one good, solid +reason for his decision, it is no easy matter to shake it; but, that he who has +a great many, usually finds them of far less account in the struggle of +opinions. Such proved to be the fact with Captain Poke on the present occasion. +I succeeded in stripping him of his garments, one by one, until I got him +reduced to the shirt, where, like a stout ship that is easily brought to her +bearings by the breeze, he “stuck and hung” in a manner to manifest it would +require a heavy strain to bring him down any lower. A lucky thought relieved us +all from the dilemma. There were a couple of good large bison-skins among my +effects, and on suggesting to Dr. Reasono the expediency of encasing Captain +Poke in the folds of one of them, the philosopher cheerfully assented, +observing that any object of a natural and simple formation was agreeable to +the monikin senses; their objections were merely to the deformities of art, +which they deemed to be so many offences against Providence. On this +explanation, I ventured to hint that, being still in the infancy of the new +civilization, it would be very agreeable to my ancient habits, could I be +permitted to use one of the skins, also, while Mr. Poke occupied the other. Not +the slightest objection was raised to the proposal, and measures were +immediately taken to prepare us to appear in good company. Soon after I +received from Dr. Reasono a protocol of the conditions that were to regulate +the approaching interview. This document was written in Latin, out of respect +to the ancients, and as I afterwards understood, it was drawn up by my Lord +Chatterino, who had been educated for the diplomatic career at home, previously +to the accident which had thrown him, alas! into human hands. I translate it +freely, for the benefit of the ladies, who usually prefer their own tongues to +any others. +</p> + +<p> +Protocol of an interview that is to take place between Sir John Goldencalf, +Bart., of Householder Hall, in the kingdom of Great Britain, and No. 22,817, +brown-study color, or Socrates Reasono, F.U.D.G.E., Professor of Probabilities +in the University of Monikinia, and in the kingdom of Leaphigh: +</p> + +<p> +The contracting parties agree as follows, viz.: +</p> + +<p> +ARTICLE 1. That there shall be an interview. +</p> + +<p> +ART. 2. That the said interview shall be a peaceable interview, and not a +belligerent interview. +</p> + +<p> +ART. 3. That the said interview shall be logical, explanatory, and discursory. +</p> + +<p> +ART. 4. That during said interview, Dr. Reasono shall have the privilege of +speaking most, and Sir John Goldencalf the privilege of hearing most. +</p> + +<p> +ART. 5. That Sir John Goldencalf shall have the privilege of asking questions, +and Dr. Reasono the privilege of answering them. +</p> + +<p> +ART. 6. That a due regard shall be had to both human and monikin prejudices and +sensibilities. +</p> + +<p> +ART. 7. That Dr. Reasono, and any monikins who may accompany him, shall smooth +their coats, and otherwise dispose of their natural vestments, in a way that +shall be as agreeable as possible to Sir John Goldencalf and his friend. +</p> + +<p> +ART. 8. That Sir John Goldencalf, and any man who may accompany him, shall +appear in bison-skins, wearing no other clothing, in order to render themselves +as agreeable as possible to Dr. Reasono and his friends. +</p> + +<p> +ART. 9. That the conditions of this protocol shall be respected. +</p> + +<p> +ART. 10. That any doubtful significations in this protocol shall be +interpreted, as near as may be, in favor of both parties. +</p> + +<p> +ART. 11. That no precedent shall be established to the prejudice of either the +human or the monikin dialect, by the adoption of the Latin language on this +occasion. +</p> + +<p> +Delighted with this proof of attention on the part of my Lord Chatterino, I +immediately left a card for that young nobleman, and then seriously set about +preparing myself, with an increased scrupulousness, for the fulfilment of the +smallest condition of the compact. Captain Poke was soon ready, and I must say +that he looked more like a quadruped on its hind legs, in his new attire, than +a human being. As for my own appearance, I trust it was such as became my +station and character. +</p> + +<p> +At the appointed time all the parties were assembled, Lord Chatterino appearing +with a copy of the protocol in his hand. This instrument was formally read, by +the young peer, in a very creditable manner, when a silence ensued, as if to +invite comment. I know not how it is, but I never yet heard the positive +stipulations of any bargain, that I did not feel a propensity to look out for +weak places in them. I had begun to see that the discussion might lead to +argument, argument to comparisons between the two species, and something like +an esprit de corps was stirring within me. It now struck me that a question +might be fairly raised as to the propriety of Dr. Reasono’s appearing with +THREE backers, while I had but ONE. The objection was therefore urged on my +part, I hope, in a modest and conciliatory manner. In reply, my Lord Chatterino +observed, it was true the protocol spoke in general terms of mutual supporters, +but if— +</p> + +<p> +“Sir John Goldencalf would be at the trouble of referring to the instrument +itself, he would see that the backers of Dr. Reasono were mentioned in the +plural number, while that of Sir John himself was alluded to only in the +singular number.” +</p> + +<p> +“Perfectly true, my lord; but you will, however, permit me to remark that two +monikins would completely fulfil the conditions in favor of Dr. Reasono, while +he appears here with three; there certainly must be some limits to this +plurality, or the Doctor would have a right to attend the interview accompanied +by all the inhabitants of Leaphigh.” +</p> + +<p> +“The objection is highly ingenious, and creditable in the last degree to the +diplomatic abilities of Sir John Goldencalf; but, among monikins, two females +are deemed equal to only one male, in the eye of the law. Thus, in cases which +require two witnesses, as in conveyances of real estate, two male monikins are +sufficient, whereas it would be necessary to have four female signatures, in +order to give the instrument validity. In the legal sense, therefore, I +conceive that Dr. Reasono is attended by only two monikins.” +</p> + +<p> +Captain Poke hereupon observed that this provision in the law of Leaphigh was a +good one; for he often had occasion to remark that women, quite half the time, +did not know what they were about; and he thought, in general, that they +require more ballast than men. +</p> + +<p> +“This reply would completely cover the case, my lord,” I answered, “were the +protocol purely a monikin document, and this assembly purely a monikin +assembly. But the facts are notoriously otherwise. The document is drawn up in +a common vehicle of thought among scholars, and I gladly seize the opportunity +to add, that I do not remember to have seen a better specimen of modern +latinity.” +</p> + +<p> +“It is undeniable, Sir John,” returned Lord Chatterino, waving his tail in +acknowledgment of the compliment, “that the protocol itself is in a language +that has now become common property; but the mere medium of thought, on such +occasions, is of no great moment, provided it is neutral as respects the +contracting parties; moreover, in this particular case, article 11 of the +protocol contains a stipulation that no legal consequences whatever are to +follow the use of the Latin language; a stipulation that leaves the contracting +parties in possession of their original rights. Now, as the lecture is to be a +monikin lecture, given by a monikin philosopher, and on monikin grounds, I +humbly urge that it is proper the interview should generally be conducted on +monikin principles.” +</p> + +<p> +“If by monikin grounds, is meant monikin ground (which I have a right to +assume, since the greater necessarily includes the less), I beg leave to remind +your lordship, that the parties are, at this moment, in a neutral country, and +that, if either of them can set up a claim of territorial jurisdiction, or the +rights of the flag, these claims must be admitted to be human, since the +locataire of this apartment is a man, in control of the locus in quo, and pro +hac vice, the suzerain.” +</p> + +<p> +“Your ingenuity has greatly exceeded my construction, Sir John, and I beg leave +to amend my plea. All I mean is, that the leading consideration in this +interview, is a monikin interest—that we are met to propound, explain, digest, +animadvert on, and embellish a monikin theme—that the accessory must be +secondary to the principal—that the lesser must merge, not in your sense, but +in my sense, in the greater—and, by consequence, that—” +</p> + +<p> +“You will accord me your pardon, my dear lord, but I hold—” +</p> + +<p> +“Nay, my good Sir John, I trust to your intelligence to be excused if I say—” +</p> + +<p> +“One word, my Lord Chatterino, I pray you, in order that—” +</p> + +<p> +“A thousand, very cheerfully, Sir John, but—” +</p> + +<p> +“My Lord Chatterino!” +</p> + +<p> +“Sir John Goldencalf!” +</p> + +<p> +Hereupon we both began talking at the same time, the noble young monikin +gradually narrowing down the direction of his observations to the single person +of Mrs. Vigilance Lynx, who, I afterwards had occasion to know, was an +excellent listener; and I, in my turn, after wandering from eye to eye, settled +down into a sort of oration that was especially addressed to the understanding +of Captain Noah Poke. My auditor contrived to get one ear entirely clear of the +bison’s skin, and nodded approbation of what fell from me, with a proper degree +of human and clannish spirit. We might possibly have harangued in this +desultory manner, to the present time, had not the amiable Chatterissa +advanced, and, with the tact and delicacy which distinguish her sex, by placing +her pretty patte on the mouth of the young nobleman, effectually checked his +volubility. When a horse is running away, he usually comes to a dead stop, +after driving through lanes, and gates, and turnpikes, the moment he finds +himself master of his own movements, in an open field. Thus, in my own case, no +sooner did I find myself in sole possession of the argument, than I brought it +to a close. Dr. Reasono improved the pause, to introduce a proposition that, +the experiment already made by myself and Lord Chatterino being evidently a +failure, he and Mr. Poke should retire and make an effort to agree upon an +entirely new programme of the proceedings. This happy thought suddenly restored +peace; and, while the two negotiators were absent, I improved the opportunity +to become better acquainted with the lovely Chatterissa and her female Mentor. +Lord Chatterino, who possessed all the graces of diplomacy, who could turn from +a hot and angry discussion, on the instant, to the most bland and winning +courtesy, was foremost in promoting my wishes, inducing his charming mistress +to throw aside the reserve of a short acquaintance, and to enter, at once, into +a free and friendly discourse. +</p> + +<p> +Some time elapsed before the plenipotentiaries returned, for it appears that, +owing to a constitutional peculiarity, or, as he subsequently explained it +himself, a “Stunin’tun principle,” Captain Poke conceived he was bound, in a +bargain, to dispute every proposition which came from the other party. This +difficulty would probably have proved insuperable, had not Dr. Reasono luckily +bethought him of a frank and liberal proposal to leave every other article, +without reserve, to the sole dictation of his colleague, reserving to himself +the same privilege for all the rest. Noah, after being well assured that the +philosopher was no lawyer, assented; and the affair, once begun in this spirit +of concession, was soon brought to a close. And here I would recommend this +happy expedient to all negotiators of knotty and embarrassing treaties, since +it enables each party to gain his point, and probably leaves as few openings +for subsequent disputes, as any other mode that has yet been adopted. The new +instrument ran as follows, it having been written, in duplicate, in English and +in Monikin. It will be seen that the pertinacity of one of the negotiators gave +it very much the character of a capitulation. +</p> + +<p> +PROTOCOL of an Interview, &c., &c., &c. +</p> + +<p> +The contracting parties agree as follows, viz.: +</p> + +<p> +ARTICLE 1. There shall be an interview. +</p> + +<p> +ART. 2. Agreed; provided all the parties can come and go at pleasure. +</p> + +<p> +ART. 3. The said interview shall be conducted, generally, on philosophical and +liberal principles. +</p> + +<p> +ART. 4. Agreed; provided tobacco may be used at discretion. +</p> + +<p> +ART. 5. That either party shall have the privilege of propounding questions, +and either party the privilege of answering them. +</p> + +<p> +ART. 6. Agreed; provided no one need listen, or no one talk, unless so +disposed. +</p> + +<p> +ART. 7. The attire of all present shall be conformable to the abstract rules of +propriety and decorum. +</p> + +<p> +ART. 8. Agreed; provided the bison-skins may be reefed, from time to time, +according to the state of the weather. +</p> + +<p> +ART. 9. The provisions of this protocol shall be rigidly respected. +</p> + +<p> +ART. 10. Agreed; provided no advantage be taken by lawyers. +</p> + +<p> +Lord Chatterino and myself pounced upon the respective documents like two +hawks, eagerly looking for flaws, or the means of maintaining the opinions we +had before advanced, and which we had both shown so much cleverness in +supporting. +</p> + +<p> +“Why, my lord, there is no provision for the appearance of any monikins at all +at this interview!” +</p> + +<p> +“The generality of the terms leaves it to be inferred that all may come and go +who may be so disposed.” +</p> + +<p> +“Your pardon, my lord; article 8 contains a direct allusion to BISON-SKINS in +the PLURAL, and under circumstances from which it follows, by a just deduction, +that it was contemplated that more than ONE wearer of the said skins should be +present at the said interview.” +</p> + +<p> +“Perfectly just, Sir John; but you will suffer me to observe that by article 1, +it is conditioned that there shall be an interview; and by article 3, it is +furthermore agreed that the said interview shall be conducted ‘on philosophical +and liberal principles’; now, it need scarcely be urged, good Sir John, that it +would be the extreme of illiberality to deny to one party any privilege that +was possessed by the other.” +</p> + +<p> +“Perfectly just my lord, were this an affair of mere courtesy; but legal +constructions must be made on legal principles, or else, as jurists and +diplomatists, we are all afloat on the illimitable ocean of conjecture.” +</p> + +<p> +“And yet article 10 expressly stipulates that ‘no advantage shall be taken by +lawyers.’ By considering articles 3 and 10 profoundly and in conjunction, we +learn that it was the intention of the negotiators to spread the mantle of +liberality, apart from all the subtleties and devices of mere legal +practitioners, over the whole proceedings. Permit me, in corroboration of what +is now urged, to appeal to the voices of those who framed the very conditions +about which we are now arguing. Did YOU, sir,” continued my Lord Chatterino, +turning to Captain Poke, with emphasis and dignity; “did you, sir, when you +drew up this celebrated article 10—did you deem that you were publishing +authority of which the lawyers could take advantage?” +</p> + +<p> +A deep and very sonorous “No,” was the energetic reply of Mr. Poke. +</p> + +<p> +My Lord Chatterino, then turning, with equal grace, to the Doctor, first +diplomatically waving his tail three times, continued: +</p> + +<p> +“And you, sir, in drawing up article 3, did you conceive that you were +supporting and promulgating illiberal principles?” +</p> + +<p> +The question was met by a prompt negative, when the young noble paused, and +looked at me like one who had completely triumphed. +</p> + +<p> +“Perfectly eloquent, completely convincing, irrefutably argumentative, and +unanswerably just, my lord,” I put in; “but I must be permitted to hint that +the validity of all laws is derived from the enactment; now the enactment, or, +in the case of a treaty, the virtue of the stipulation, is not derived from the +intention of the party who may happen to draw up a law or a clause, but from +the assent of the legal deputies. In the present instance, there are two +negotiators, and I now ask permission to address a few questions to them, +reversing the order of your own interrogatories; and the result may possibly +furnish a clue to the quo animo, in a new light.” Addressing the philosopher, I +continued—“Did YOU, sir, in assenting to article 10, imagine that you were +defeating justice, countenancing oppression, and succoring might to the injury +of right?” +</p> + +<p> +The answer was a solemn, and, I do not doubt, a very conscientious, “No.” +</p> + +<p> +“And YOU, sir,” turning to Captain Poke, “did you, in assenting to article 3, +in the least conceive that, by any possibility, the foes of humanity could +torture your approbation into the means of determining that the bison-skin +wearers were not to be upon a perfect footing with the best monikins of the +land?” +</p> + +<p> +“Blast me, if I did!” +</p> + +<p> +But, Sir John Goldencalf, the Socratic method of reasoning—” +</p> + +<p> +“Was first resorted to by yourself, my lord—” +</p> + +<p> +“Nay, good Sir—” +</p> + +<p> +“Permit me, my dear lord—” +</p> + +<p> +“Sir John—” +</p> + +<p> +“My lord—” +</p> + +<p> +Hereupon the gentle Chatterissa again advanced, and by another timely +interposition of her graceful tact, she succeeded in preventing the reply. The +parallel of the runaway horse was acted over, and I came to another +stand-still. Lord Chatterino now gallantly proposed that the whole affair +should be referred, with full powers, to the ladies. I could not refuse; and +the plenipotentiaries retired, under a growling accompaniment of Captain Poke, +who pretty plainly declared that women caused more quarrels than all the rest +of the world, and, from the little he had seen, he expected it would turn out +the same with monikinas. +</p> + +<p> +The female sex certainly possess a facility of composition that is denied our +portion of the creation. In an incredibly short time, the referees returned +with the following programme: +</p> + +<p> +PROTOCOL of an Interview between, &c., &c. +</p> + +<p> +The contracting parties agree as follows, viz.: +</p> + +<p> +ARTICLE 1. There shall be an amicable, logical, philosophical, ethical, +liberal, general, and controversial interview. +</p> + +<p> +ART. 2. The interview shall be amicable. +</p> + +<p> +ART. 3. The interview shall be general. +</p> + +<p> +ART. 4. The interview shall be logical. +</p> + +<p> +ART. 5. The interview shall be ethical. +</p> + +<p> +ART. 6. The interview shall be philosophical. +</p> + +<p> +ART. 7. The interview shall be liberal. +</p> + +<p> +ART. 8. The interview shall be controversial. +</p> + +<p> +ART. 9. The interview shall be controversial, liberal, philosophical, ethical, +logical, general, and amicable. +</p> + +<p> +ART. 10. The interview shall be as particularly agreed upon. +</p> + +<p> +The cat does not leap upon the mouse with more avidity than Lord Chatterino and +myself pounced upon the third protocol, seeking new grounds for the argument +that each was resolved on. +</p> + +<p> +“Auguste! cher Auguste!” exclaimed the lovely Chatterissa, in the prettiest +Parisian accent I thought I had ever heard—“Pour moi!” +</p> + +<p> +“A moi! monseignear!” I put in, flourishing my copy of the protocol—I was +checked in the midst of this controversial ardor by a tug at the bison-skin; +when, casting a look behind me, I saw Captain Poke winking and making other +signs that he wished to say a word in a corner. +</p> + +<p> +“I think, Sir John,” observed the worthy sealer, “if we ever mean to let this +bargain come to a catastrophe, it might as well be done now. The females have +been cunning, but the deuce is in it if we cannot weather upon two women before +the matter is well over. In Stunin’tun, when it is thought best to accommodate +proposals, why we object and raise a breeze in the beginning, but towards the +end we kinder soften and mollify, or else trade would come to a stand. The +hardest gale must blow its pipe out. Trust to me to floor the best argument the +best monkey of them all can agitate!” +</p> + +<p> +“This matter is getting serious, Noah, and I am filled with an esprit de corps. +Do you not begin yourself to feel human?” +</p> + +<p> +“Kinder; but more bisonish than anything else. Let them go on, Sir John; and, +when the time comes, we will take them aback, or set me down as a pettifogger.” +</p> + +<p> +The Captain winked knowingly; and I began to see that there was some sense in +his opinion. On rejoining our friends, or allies, I scarce know which to call +them, I found that the amiable Chatterissa had equally calmed the diplomatic +ardor of her lover, again, and we now met on the best possible terms. The +protocol was accepted by acclamation; and preparations were instantly commenced +for the lecture of Dr. Reasono. +</p> + +</div><!--end chapter--> + +<div class="chapter"> + +<h2><a name="link2HCH0011"></a> +CHAPTER XI.<br/> +A PHILOSOPHY THAT IS BOTTOMED ON SOMETHING SUBSTANTIAL—SOME REASONS PLAINLY +PRESENTED, AND CAVILLING OBJECTIONS PUT TO FLIGHT BY A CHARGE OF LOGICAL +BAYONETS.</h2> + +<p> +Dr. Reasono was quite as reasonable, in the personal embellishments of his +lyceum, as any public lecturer I remember to have seen, who was required to +execute his functions in the presence of ladies. If I say that his coat had +been brushed, his tail newly curled, and that his air was a little more than +usually “solemnized,” as Captain Poke described it in a decent whisper, I +believe all will be said that is either necessary or true. He placed himself +behind a foot-stool, which served as a table, smoothed its covering a little +with his paws, and at once proceeded to business. It may be well to add that he +lectured without notes, and, as the subject did not immediately call for +experiments, without any apparatus. +</p> + +<p> +Waving his tail towards the different parts of the room in which his audience +were seated, the philosopher commenced. +</p> + +<p> +“As the present occasion, my hearers,” he said, “is one of those accidental +calls upon science, to which all belonging to the academies are liable, and +does not demand more than the heads of our thesis to be explained, I shall not +dig into the roots of the subject, but limit myself to such general remarks as +may serve to furnish the outlines of our philosophy, natural, moral, and +political—” +</p> + +<p> +“How, sir,” I cried, “have you a political as well as a moral philosophy?” +</p> + +<p> +“Beyond a question; and a very useful philosophy it is. No interests require +more philosophy than those connected with politics. To resume—our philosophy, +natural, moral and political, reserving most of the propositions, +demonstrations, and corollaries, for greater leisure, and a more advanced state +of information in the class. Prescribing to myself these salutary limits, +therefore, I shall begin only with nature. +</p> + +<p> +“Nature is a term that we use to express the pervading and governing principle +of created things. It is known both as a generic and a specific term, +signifying in the former character the elements and combinations of +omnipotence, as applied to matter in general, and in the latter its particular +subdivisions, in connection with matter in its infinite varieties. It is +moreover subdivided into its physical and moral attributes, which admit also of +the two grand distinctions just named. Thus, when we say nature, in the +abstract, meaning physically, we should be understood as alluding to those +general, uniform, absolute, consistent, and beautiful laws, which control and +render harmonious, as a great whole, the entire action, affinities, and +destinies of the universe; and when we say nature in the speciality, we would +be understood to speak of the nature of a rock, of a tree, of air, fire, water, +and land. Again, in alluding to a moral nature in the abstract, we mean sin, +and its weaknesses, its attractions, its deformities-in a word, its totality; +while, on the other hand, when we use the term, in this sense, under the limits +of a speciality, we confine its signification to the particular shades of +natural qualities that mark the precise object named. Let us illustrate our +positions by a few brief examples. +</p> + +<p> +“When we say ‘Oh nature, how art thou glorious, sublime, instructive!’—we mean +that her laws emanate from a power of infinite intelligence and perfection; and +when we say ‘Oh nature, how art thou frail, vain and insufficient!’ we mean +that she is, after all, but a secondary quality, inferior to that which brought +her into existence, for definite, limited, and, doubtless, useful purposes. In +these examples we treat the principle in the abstract. +</p> + +<p> +“The examples of nature in the speciality will be more familiar, and, although +in no degree more true, will be better understood by the generality of my +auditors. Especial nature, in the physical signification, is apparent to the +senses, and is betrayed in the outward forms of things, through their force, +magnitude, substance, and proportions, and, in its more mysterious properties, +to examination, by their laws, harmony, and action. Especial moral nature is +denoted in the different propensities, capacities, and conduct of the different +classes of all moral beings. In this latter sense we have monikin nature, dog +nature, horse nature, hog nature, human nature—” +</p> + +<p> +“Permit me, Dr. Reasono,” I interrupted, “to inquire if, by this +classification, you intend to convey more than may be understood by the +accidental arrangement of your examples?” +</p> + +<p> +“Purely the latter, I do assure you, Sir John.” +</p> + +<p> +“And do you admit the great distinctions of animal and vegetable natures?” +</p> + +<p> +“Our academies are divided on this point. One school contends that all living +nature is to be embraced in a great comprehensive genus, while another admits +of the distinctions you have named. I am of the latter opinion, inclining to +the belief that nature herself has drawn the line between the two classes, by +bestowing on one the double gift of the moral and physical nature, and by +withdrawing the former from the other. The existence of the moral nature is +denoted by the presence of the will. The academy of Leaphigh has made an +elaborate classification of all the known animals, of which the sponge is at +the bottom of the list, and the monikin at the top!” +</p> + +<p> +“Sponges are commonly uppermost,” growled Noah. +</p> + +<p> +“Sir,” said I, with a disagreeable rising at the throat, “am I to understand +that your savans account man an animal in a middle state between a sponge and a +monkey?” +</p> + +<p> +“Really, Sir John, this warmth is quite unsuited to philosophical discussion—if +you continue to indulge in it, I shall find myself compelled to postpone the +lecture.” +</p> + +<p> +At this rebuke I made a successful effort to restrain myself, although my +esprit de corps nearly choked me. Intimating, as well as I could, a change of +purpose, Dr. Reasono, who had stood suspended over his table with an air of +doubt, waved his tail, and proceeded:— +</p> + +<p> +“Sponges, oysters, crabs, sturgeons, clams, toads, snakes, lizards, skunks, +opossums, ant-eaters, baboons, negroes, wood-chucks, lions, Esquimaux, sloths, +hogs, Hottentots, ourang-outangs, men and monikins, are, beyond a question, all +animals. The only disputed point among us is, whether they are all of the same +genus, forming varieties or species, or whether they are to be divided into the +three great families of the improvables, the unimprovables, and the +retrogressives. They who maintain that we form but one great family, reason by +certain conspicuous analogies, that serve as so many links to unite the great +chain of the animal world. Taking man as a centre, for instance, they show that +this creature possesses, in common with every other creature, some observable +property. Thus, man is, in one particular, like a sponge; in another, he is +like an oyster; a hog is like a man; the skunk has one peculiarity of a man; +the ourang-outang another; the sloth another—” +</p> + +<p> +“King!” +</p> + +<p> +“And so on, to the end of the chapter. This school of philosophers, while it +has been very ingeniously supported, is not, however, the one most in favor +just at this moment in the academy of Leaphigh—” +</p> + +<p> +“Just at this moment, Doctor!” +</p> + +<p> +“Certainly, sir. Do you not know that truths, physical as well as moral, +undergo their revolutions, the same as all created nature? The academy has paid +great attention to this subject; and it issues annually an almanac, in which +the different phases, the revolutions, the periods, the eclipses, whether +partial or total, the distances from the centre of light, the apogee and +perigee of all the more prominent truths, are calculated with singular +accuracy; and by the aid of which the cautious are enabled to keep themselves, +as near as possible, within the bounds of reason. We deem this effort of the +monikin mind as the sublimest of all its inventions, and as furnishing the +strongest known evidence of its near approach to the consummation of our +earthly destiny. This is not the place to dwell on that particular point of our +philosophy, however; and, for the present, we will postpone the subject.” +</p> + +<p> +“Yet you will permit me, Dr. Reasono, in virtue of clause 1, article 5, +protocol No. 1 (which protocol, if not absolutely adopted, must be supposed to +contain the spirit of that which was), to inquire whether the calculations of +the revolutions of truth, do not lead to dangerous moral extravagances, ruinous +speculations in ideas, and serve to unsettle society?” +</p> + +<p> +The philosopher withdrew a moment with my Lord Chatterino, to consult whether +it would be prudent to admit of the validity of protocol No. 1, even in this +indirect manner; whereupon it was decided between them, that, as such admission +would lay open all the vexatious questions that had just been so happily +disposed of, clause 1 of article 5 having a direct connection with clause 2; +clauses 1 and 2 forming the whole article; and the said article 5, in its +entirety, forming an integral portion of the whole instrument; and the doctrine +of constructions, enjoining that instruments are to be construed like wills, by +their general, and not by their especial tendencies, it would be dangerous to +the objects of the interview to allow the application to be granted. But, +reserving a protest against the concession being interpreted into a precedent, +it might be well to concede that as an act of courtesy, which was denied as a +right. Hereupon, Dr. Reasono informed me that these calculations of the +revolutions of truth DID lead to certain moral extravagances, and in many +instances to ruinous speculations in ideas; that the academy of Leaphigh, and, +so far as his information extended, the academy of every other country, had +found the subject of truth, more particularly moral truth, the one of all +others the most difficult to manage, the most likely to be abused, and the most +dangerous to promulgate. I was moreover promised, at a future day, some +illustrations of this branch of the subject. +</p> + +<p> +“To pursue the more regular thread of my lecture,” continued Dr. Reasono, when +he had politely made this little digression, “we now divide these portions of +the created world into animated and vegetable nature; the former is again +divided into the improvable, and the unimprovable, and the retrogressive. The +improvable embraces all those species which are marching, by slow, progressive, +but immutable mutations, towards the perfection of terrestrial life, or to that +last, elevated, and sublime condition of mortality, in which the material makes +its final struggle with the immaterial—mind with matter. The improvable class +of animals, agreeably to the monikin dogmas, commences with those species in +which matter has the most unequivocal ascendency, and terminates with those in +which mind is as near perfection as this mortal coil will allow. We hold that +mind and matter, in that mysterious union which connects the spiritual with the +physical being, commence in the medium state, undergoing, not, as some men have +pretended, transmigrations of the soul only, but such gradual and imperceptible +changes of both soul and body, as have peopled the world with so many wonderful +beings—wonderful, mentally and physically; and all of which (meaning all of the +improvable class) are no more than animals of the same great genus, on the high +road of tendencies, who are advancing towards the last stage of improvement, +previously to their final translation to another planet, and a new existence. +</p> + +<p> +“The retrogressive class is composed of those specimens which, owing to their +destiny, take a false direction; which, instead of tending to the immaterial, +tend to the material; which gradually become more and more under the influence +of matter, until, by a succession of physical translations, the will is +eventually lost, and they become incorporated with the earth itself. Under this +last transformation, these purely materialized beings are chemically analyzed +in the great laboratory of nature, and their component parts are separated; +thus the bones become rocks, the flesh earth, the spirits air, the blood water, +the gristle clay and the ashes of the will are converted into the element of +fire. In this class we enumerate whales, elephants, hippopotami, and divers +other brutes, which visibly exhibit accumulations of matter that must speedily +triumph over the less material portions of their natures.” +</p> + +<p> +“And yet, Doctor, there are facts that militate against the theory; the +elephant, for instance, is accounted one of the most intelligent of all the +quadrupeds.” +</p> + +<p> +“A mere false demonstration, sir. Nature delights in these little +equivocations; thus, we have false suns, false rainbows, false prophets, false +vision, and even false philosophy. There are entire races of both our species, +too, as the Congo and the Esquimaux, for yours, and baboons and the common +monkeys, that inhabit various parts of the world possessed by the human +species, for ours, which are mere shadows of the forms and qualities that +properly distinguish the animal in its state of protection.” +</p> + +<p> +“How, sir! are you not, then, of the same family as all the other monkeys that +we see hopping and skipping about the streets?” +</p> + +<p> +“No more, sir, than you are of the same family as the flat-nosed, thick-lipped, +low-browed, ink-skinned negro, or the squalid, passionless, brutalized +Esquimaux. I have said that nature delights in vagaries; and all these are no +more than some of her mystifications. Of this class is the elephant, who, while +verging nearest to pure materialism, makes a deceptive parade of the quality he +is fast losing. Instances of this species of playing trumps, if I may so +express it, are common in all classes of beings. How often, for instance, do +men, just as they are about to fail, make a parade of wealth, women seem +obdurate an hour before they capitulate, and diplomatists call Heaven to be a +witness of their resolutions to the contrary, the day before they sign and +seal! In the case of the elephant, however, there is a slight exception to the +general rule, which is founded on an extraordinary struggle between mind and +matter, the former making an effort that is unusual, and which may be said to +form an exception to the ordinary warfare between these two principles, as it +is commonly conducted in the retrogressive class of animals. The most +infallible sign of the triumph of mind over matter, is in the development of +the tail—” +</p> + +<p> +“King!” +</p> + +<p> +“Of the tail, Dr. Reasono?” +</p> + +<p> +“By all means, sir—that seat of reason, the tail! Pray, Sir John, what other +portion of our frames did you imagine was indicative of intellect?” +</p> + +<p> +“Among men, Dr. Reasono, it is commonly thought the head is the more honorable +member, and, of late, we have made analytical maps of this part of our physical +formation, by which it is pretended to know the breadth and length of a moral +quality, no less than its boundaries.” +</p> + +<p> +“You have made the best use of your materials, such as they were, and I dare +say the map in question, all things considered, is a very clever performance. +But in the complication and abstruseness of this very moral chart (one of which +I perceive standing on your mantelpiece), you may learn the confusion which +still reigns over the human intellect. Now, in regarding us, you can understand +the very converse of your dilemma. How much easier, for instance, is it to take +a yard-stick, and by a simple admeasurement of a tail, come to a sound, obvious +and incontrovertible conclusion as to the extent of the intellect of the +specimen, than by the complicated, contradictory, self-balancing and +questionable process to which you are reduced! Were there only this fact, it +would abundantly establish the higher moral condition of the monikinrace, as it +is compared with that of man.” +</p> + +<p> +“Dr. Reasono, am I to understand that the monikin family seriously entertain a +position so extravagant as this; that a monkey is a creature more intellectual +and more highly civilized than man?” +</p> + +<p> +“Seriously, good Sir John! Why you are the first respectable person it has been +my fortune to meet, who has even affected to doubt the fact. It is well known +that both belong to the improvable class of animals, and that monkeys, as you +are pleased to term us, were once men, with all their passions, weaknesses, +inconsistencies, mode of philosophy, unsound ethics, frailties, incongruities +and subserviency to matter; that they passed into the monikin state by degrees, +and that large divisions of them are constantly evaporating into the immaterial +world, completely spiritualized and free from the dross of flesh. I do not mean +in what is called death—for that is no more than an occasional deposit of +matter to be resumed in a new aspect, and with a nearer approach to the grand +results (whether of the improvable or of the retrogressive classes)—but those +final mutations which transfer us to another planet, to enjoy a higher state of +being, and leaving us always on the high road towards final excellence.” +</p> + +<p> +“All this is very ingenious, sir; but before you can persuade me into the +belief that man is an animal inferior to a monkey, Dr. Reasono, you will allow +me to say that you must prove it.” +</p> + +<p> +“Ay, ay, or me, either,” put in Captain Poke, waspishly. +</p> + +<p> +“Were I to cite my proofs, gentlemen,” continued the philosopher, whose spirit +appeared to be much less moved by our doubts than ours were by his position—“I +should in the first place refer you to history. All the monikin writers are +agreed in recording the gradual translation of the species from the human +family—” +</p> + +<p> +“This may do very well, sir, for the latitude of Leaphigh, but permit me to say +that no human historian, from Moses down to Buffon, has ever taken such a view +of our respective races. There is not a word in any of all these writers on the +subject.” +</p> + +<p> +“How should there be, sir? History is not a prediction, but a record of the +past. Their silence is so much negative proof in our favor. Does Tacitus, for +instance, speak of the French revolution? Is not Herodotus silent on the +subject of the independence of the American continent?—or do any of the Greek +and Roman writers give us the annals of Stunin’tun—a city whose foundations +were most probably laid some time after the commencement of the Christian era? +It is morally impossible that men or monikins can faithfully relate events that +have never happened; and as it has never yet happened to any man, who is still +a man, to be translated to the monikin state of being, it follows, as a +necessary consequence, that he can know nothing about it. If you want +historical proof, therefore, of what I say, you must search the monikin annals +for evidence. There it is to be found with an infinity of curious details; and +I trust the time is not far distant, when I shall have great pleasure in +pointing out to you some of the most approved chapters of our best writers on +this subject. But we are not confined to the testimony of history, in +establishing our condition to be of the secondary formation. The internal +evidence is triumphant; we appeal to our simplicity, our philosophy, the state +of the arts among us, in short, to all those concurrent proofs which are +dependent on the highest possible state of civilization. In addition to this, +we have the infallible testimony which is to be derived from the development of +our tails. Our system of caudology is, in itself, a triumphant proof of the +high improvement of the monikin reason.” +</p> + +<p> +“Do I comprehend you aright, Dr. Reasono, when I understand your system of +caudology, or tailology, to render it into the vernacular, to dogmatize on the +possibility that the seat of reason in man, which to-day is certainly in his +brains, can ever descend into a tail?” +</p> + +<p> +“If you deem development, improvement and simplification a descent, beyond a +question, sir. But your figure is a bad one, Sir John; for ocular demonstration +is before you, that a monikin can carry his tail as high as a man can possibly +carry his head. Our species, in this sense, is morally nicked; and it costs us +no effort to be on a level with human kings. We hold, with you, that the brain +is the seat of reason, while the animal is in what we call the human probation, +but that it is a reason undeveloped, imperfect, and confused; cased, as it +were, in an envelope unsuited to its functions; but that, as it gradually oozes +out of this straitened receptable towards the base of the animal, it acquires +solidity, lucidity, and, finally, by elongation and development, point. If you +examine the human brain, you will find it, though capable of being stretched to +a great length, compressed in a diminutive compass, involved and snarled; +whereas the same physical portion of the genus gets simplicity, a beginning and +an end, a directness and consecutiveness that are necessary to logic, and, as +has just been mentioned, a point, in the monikin seat of reason, which, by all +analogy, go to prove the superiority of the animal possessing advantages so +great.” +</p> + +<p> +“Nay, sir, if you come to analogies, they will be found to prove more than you +may wish. In vegetation, for instance, saps ascend for the purposes of +fructification and usefulness; and, reasoning from the analogies of the +vegetable world, it is far more probable that tails have ascended into brains +than that brains have descended into tails; and, consequently, that men are +much more likely to be an improvement on monkeys, than monkeys an improvement +on men.” +</p> + +<p> +I spoke with warmth, I know; for the doctrine of Dr. Reasono was new to me; and +by this time, my esprit de corps had pretty effectually blinded reflection. +</p> + +<p> +“You gave him a red-hot shot that time, Sir John,” whispered Captain Poke at my +elbow; “now, if you are so disposed, I will wring the necks of all these little +blackguards, and throw them out of the window.” +</p> + +<p> +I immediately intimated that any display of brute force would militate directly +against our cause; as the object, just at that moment, was to be as immaterial +as possible. +</p> + +<p> +“Well, well, manage it in your own way, Sir John, and I’m quite as immaterial +as you can wish; but should these cunning varments ra’ally get the better of us +in the argument, I shall never dare look at Miss Poke, or show my face ag’in in +Stunin’tun.” +</p> + +<p> +This little aside was secretly conducted, while Dr. Reasono was drinking a +glass of eau sucre; but he soon returned to the subject, with the dignified +gravity that never forsook him. +</p> + +<p> +“Your remark touching saps has the usual savor of human ingenuity, blended, +however, with the proverbial short-sightedness of the species. It is very true +that saps ascend for fructification; but what is this fructification, to which +you allude? It is no more than a false demonstration of the energies of the +plant. For all the purposes of growth, life, durability, and the final +conversion of the vegetable matter into an element, the root is the seat of +power and authority; and, in particular, the tap-root above or rather below all +others. This tap-root may be termed the tail of vegetation. You may pluck +fruits with impunity—nay, you may even top all the branches, and the tree shall +survive; but, put the axe to the root, and the pride of the forest falls.” +</p> + +<p> +All this was too evidently true to be denied, and I felt worried and badgered; +for no man likes to be beaten in a discussion of this sort, and more especially +by a monkey. I bethought me of the elephant, and determined to make one more +thrust, by the aid of his powerful tusks, before I gave up the point. +</p> + +<p> +“I am inclined to think, Dr. Reasono,” I put in as soon as possible, “that your +savans have not been very happy in illustrating their theory by means of the +elephant. This animal, besides being a mass of flesh, is too well provided with +intellect to be passed off for a dunce; and he not only has ONE, but he might +almost be said to be provided with TWO tails.” +</p> + +<p> +“That has been his chief misfortune, sir. Matter, in the great warfare between +itself and mind, has gone on the principle of ‘divide and conquer.’ You are +nearer the truth than you imagined, for the trunk of the elephant is merely the +abortion of a tail; and yet, you see, it contains nearly all the intelligence +that the animal possesses. On the subject of the fate of the elephant, however, +theory is confirmed by actual experiment. Do not your geologists and +naturalists speak of the remains of animals, which are no longer to be found +among living things?” +</p> + +<p> +“Certainly, sir; the mastodon—the megatherium, iguanodon; and the +plesiosaurus—” +</p> + +<p> +“And do you not also find unequivocal evidences of animal matter incorporated +with rocks?” +</p> + +<p> +“This fact must be admitted, too.” +</p> + +<p> +“These phenomena, as you call them, are no more than the final deposits which +nature has made in the cases of those creatures in which matter has completely +overcome its rival, mind. So soon as the will is entirely extinct, the being +ceases to live; or it is no longer an animal. It falls and reverts altogether +to the element of matter. The processes of decomposition and incorporation are +longer, or shorter, according to circumstances; and these fossil remains of +which your writers say so much, are merely cases that have met with accidental +obstacles to their final decomposition. As respects our two species, a very +cursory examination of their qualities ought to convince any candid mind of the +truth of our philosophy. Thus, the physical part of man is much greater in +proportion to the spiritual, than it is in the monikin; his habits are grosser +and less intellectual; he requires sauce and condiments in his food; he is +farther removed from simplicity, and, by necessary implication, from high +civilization; he eats flesh, a certain proof that the material principle is +still strong in the ascendant; he has no cauda—-” +</p> + +<p> +“On this point, Dr. Reasono, I would inquire if your scholars attach any weight +to traditions?” +</p> + +<p> +“The greatest possible, sir. It is the monikin tradition that our species is +composed of men refined, of diminished matter and augmented minds, with the +seat of reason extricated from the confinement and confusion of the caput, and +extended, unravelled, and rendered logical and consecutive, in the cauda.” +</p> + +<p> +“Well, sir, WE too have our traditions; and an eminent writer, at no great +distance of time, has laid it down as incontrovertible, that men once HAD +caudae.” +</p> + +<p> +“A mere prophetic glance into the future, as coming events are known to cast +their shadows before.” +</p> + +<p> +“Sir, the philosopher in question establishes his position, by pointing to the +stumps.” +</p> + +<p> +“He has unluckily mistaken a foundation-stone for a ruin! Such errors are not +unfrequent with the ardent and ingenious. That men WILL have tails, I make no +doubt; but that they HAVE ever reached this point of perfection, I do most +solemnly deny. There are many premonitory symptoms of their approaching this +condition; the current opinions of the day, the dress, habits, fashions, and +philosophy of the species, encourage the belief; but hitherto you have never +reached the enviable distinction. As to traditions, even your own are all in +favor of our theory. Thus, for instance, you have a tradition that the earth +was once peopled by giants. Now, this is owing to the fact that men were +formerly more under the influence of matter, and less under that of mind than +to day. You admit that you diminish in size, and improve in moral attainments; +all of which goes to establish the truth of the monikin philosophy. You begin +to lay less stress on physical, and more on moral excellences; and, in short, +many things show that the time for the final liberation and grand development +of your brains, is not far distant. This much I very gladly concede; for, while +the dogmas of our schools are not to be disregarded, I very cheerfully admit +that you are our fellow-creatures, though in a more infant and less improved +condition of society.” +</p> + +<p> +“King!” +</p> + +<p> +Here Dr. Reasono announced the necessity of taking a short intermission in +order to refresh himself. I retired with Captain Poke, to have a little +communication with my fellow-mortal, under the peculiar circumstances in which +we were placed, and to ask his opinion of what had been said. Noah swore +bitterly at some of the conclusions of the monikin philosopher, affirming that +he should like no better sport than to hear him lecture in the streets of +Stunin’tun, where, he assured me, such doctrine would not be tolerated any +longer than was necessary to sharpen a harpoon, or to load a gun. Indeed, he +did not know but the Doctor would be incontinently kicked over into Rhode +Island, without ceremony. +</p> + +<p> +“For that matter,” continued the indignant old sealer, “I should ask no better +sport than to have permission to put the big toe of my right foot, under full +sail, against the part of the blackguard where his beloved tail is stepped. +That would soon bring him to reason. Why, as for his cauda, if you will believe +me, Sir John, I once saw a man, on the coast of Patagonia—a savage, to be sure, +and not a philosopher, as this fellow pretends to be—who had an outrigger of +this sort, as long as a ship’s ringtail-boom. And what was he, after all, but a +poor devil who did not know a sea-lion from a grampus!” +</p> + +<p> +This assertion of Captain Poke relieved my mind considerably; and laying aside +the bison-skin, I asked him to have the goodness to examine the localities, +with some particularity, about the termination of the dorsal bone, in order to +ascertain if there were any encouraging signs to be discovered. Captain Poke +put on his spectacles, for time had brought the worthy mariner to their use, as +he said, “whenever he had occasion to read fine print”; and, after some time, I +had the satisfaction to hear him declare, that if it was a cauda I wanted, +there was as good a place to step one, as could be found about any monkey in +the universe; “and you have only to say the word, Sir John, and I will just +step into the next room, and by the help of my knife and a little judgment in +choosing, I’ll fit you out with a jury-article, which, if there be any ra’al +vartue in this sort of thing, will qualify you at once to be a judge, or, for +that matter, a bishop.” +</p> + +<p> +We were now summoned again to the lecture-room, and I had barely time to thank +Captain Poke for his obliging offer, which circumstances just then, however, +forbade my accepting. +</p> + +</div><!--end chapter--> + +<div class="chapter"> + +<h2><a name="link2HCH0012"></a> +CHAPTER XII.<br/> +BETTER AND BETTER—A HIGHER FLIGHT OF REASON—MORE OBVIOUS TRUTHS, DEEPER +PHILOSOPHY, AND FACTS THAT EVEN AN OSTRICH MIGHT DIGEST.</h2> + +<p> +“I gladly quit what I fear some present may have considered the personal part +of my lecture,” resumed Dr. Reasono, “to turn to those portions of the theme +that should possess a common interest, awaken common pride, and excite common +felicitations. I now propose to say a few words on that part of our natural +philosophy which is connected with the planetary system, the monikin +location—and, as a consequence from both, the creation of the world.” +</p> + +<p> +“Although dying with impatience to be enlightened on all these interesting +points, you will grant me leave to inquire en passant, Dr. Reasono, if your +savans receive the Mosaic account of the creation or not.” +</p> + +<p> +“As far as it corroborates our own system, sir, and no farther. There would be +a manifest inconsistency in our giving an antagonistic validity to any hostile +theory, let it come from Moses or Aaron; as one of your native good sense and +subsequent cultivation will readily perceive.” +</p> + +<p> +“Permit me to intimate, Dr. Reasono, that the distinction your philosophers +take in this matter, is directly opposed to a very arbitrary canon in the law +of evidence, which dictates the necessity of repudiating the whole of a +witness’s testimony, when we repudiate a part.” +</p> + +<p> +“That may be a human, but it is not a monikin distinction. So far from +admitting the soundness of the principle, we hold that no monikin is ever +wholly right, or that he will be wholly right, so long as he remains in the +least under the influence of matter; and we therefore winnow the false from the +true, rejecting the former as worse than useless, while we take the latter as +the nutriment of facts.” +</p> + +<p> +“I now repeat my apologies for so often interrupting you, venerable and learned +sir; and I entreat you will not waste another moment in replying to my +interrogatories, but proceed at once to an explanation of your planetary +system, or of any other little thing it may suit your convenience to mention. +When one listens to a real philosopher, one is certain to learn something that +is either useful or agreeable, let the subject be what it may.” +</p> + +<p> +“By the monikin philosophy, gentlemen,” continued Dr. Reasono, “we divide the +great component parts of this earth into land and water. These two principles +we term the primary elements. Human philosophy has added air and fire to the +list; but these we reject either entirely, or admit them only as secondary +elements. That neither air nor fire is a primary element, may be proved by +experiment. Thus, air can be formed, in the quality of gases, can be rendered +pure or foul; is dependent on evaporation, being no more than ordinary matter +in a state of high rarefaction. Fire has no independent existence, requires +fuel for its support, and is evidently a property that is derived from the +combinations of other principles. Thus, by putting two or more billets of wood +together, by rapid friction you produce fire. Abstract the air suddenly, and +your fire becomes extinct; abstract the wood, and you have the same result. +From these two experiments it is shown that fire has no independent existence, +and therefore is not an element. On the other hand, take a billet of wood and +let it be completely saturated with water; the wood acquires a new property (as +also by the application of fire, which converts it into ashes and air), for its +specific gravity is increased, it becomes less inflammable, emits vapor more +readily, and yields less readily to the blow of the axe. Place the same billet +under a powerful screw, and a vessel beneath. Compress the billet, and by a +sufficient application of force, you will have the wood, perfectly dry, left +beneath the screw, and the vessel will contain water. Thus is it shown that +land (all vegetable matter being no more than fungi of the earth) is a. primary +element, and that water is also a primary element; while air and fire are not. +</p> + +<p> +“Having established the elements, I shall, for brevity’s sake, suppose the +world created. In the beginning, the orb was placed in vacuum, stationary, and +with its axis perpendicular to the plane of what is now called its orbit. Its +only revolution was the diurnal.” +</p> + +<p> +“And the changes of the seasons?” +</p> + +<p> +“Had not yet taken place. The days and nights were equal; there were no +eclipses; the same stars were always visible. This state of the earth is +supposed, from certain geological proofs, to have continued about a thousand +years, during which time the struggle between mind and matter was solely +confined to quadrupeds. Man is thought to have made his appearance, so far as +our documents go to establish the fact, about the year of the world one +thousand and three. About this period, too, it is supposed that fire was +generated by the friction of the earth’s axis, while making the diurnal +movement; or, as some imagine, by the friction of the periphery of the orb, +rubbing against vacuum at the rate of so many miles in a minute. The fire +penetrating the crust, soon got access to the bodies of water that fill the +cavities of the earth. From this time is to be dated the existence of a new and +most important agent in the terrestrial phenomena, called steam. Vegetation now +began to appear, as the earth received warmth from within—” +</p> + +<p> +“Pray, sir, may I ask in what manner all the animals existed previously?” +</p> + +<p> +“By feeding on each other. The strong devoured the weak, until the most +diminutive of the animalcula were reached, when these turned on their +persecutors, and profiting by their insignificance, commenced devouring the +strongest. You find daily parallels to this phenomenon in the history of man. +He who by his energy and force has triumphed over his equals, is frequently the +prey of the insignificant and vile. You doubtless know that the polar regions +even in the original attitude of the earth, owing to their receiving the rays +of the sun obliquely, must have possessed a less genial climate than the parts +of the orb that lie between the arctic and the antarctic circles. This was a +wise provision of Providence to prevent a premature occupation of those chosen +regions, or to cause them to be left uninhabited, until mind had so far +mastered matter, as to have brought into existence the first monikin.” +</p> + +<p> +“May I venture to ask to what epoch you refer the appearance of the first of +your species?” +</p> + +<p> +“To the monikin epocha, beyond a doubt, sir—but if you mean to ask in what year +of the world this event took place, I should answer, about the year 4017. It is +true that certain of our writers affect to think that divers men were +approaching to the sublimation of the monikin mind, previously to this period; +but the better opinion is, that these cases were no more than what are termed +premonitory. Thus, Socrates, Plato, Confucius, Aristotle, Euclid, Zeno, +Diogenes, and Seneca, were merely so many admonishing types of the future +condition of man, indicating their near approach to the monikin, or to the +final translation.” +</p> + +<p> +“And Epicurus—” +</p> + +<p> +“Was an exaggeration of the material principle, that denoted the retrogression +of a large portion of the race towards brutality and matter. These phenomena +are still of daily occurrence.” +</p> + +<p> +“Do you then hold the opinion, for instance, Dr. Reasono, that Socrates is now +a monikin philosopher, with his brain unravelled and rendered logically +consecutive, and that Epicurus is transformed perchance into a hippopotamus or +a rhinoceros, with tusks, horns, and hide?” +</p> + +<p> +“You quite mistake our dogmas, Sir John. We do not believe in transmigration in +the individual at all, but in the transmigration of classes. Thus, we hold that +whenever a given generation of men, in a peculiar state of society, attain, in +the aggregate, a certain degree of moral improvement, or mentality, as we term +it in the schools, that there is an admixture of their qualities in masses, +some believe by scores, others think by hundreds, and others again pretend by +thousands; and if it is found, by the analysis that is regularly instituted by +nature, that the proportions are just, the material is consigned to the monikin +birth; if not, it is repudiated, and either kneaded anew for another human +experiment, or consigned to the vast stores of dormant matter. Thus all +individuality, so far as it is connected with the past, is lost.” +</p> + +<p> +“But, sir, existing facts contradict one of the most important of your +propositions; while you admit that a want of a change in the seasons would be a +consequence of the perpendicularity of the earth’s axis to the plane of its +present orbit, this change in the seasons is a matter not to be denied. Flesh +and blood testify against you here, no less than reason.” +</p> + +<p> +“I spoke of things as they were, sir, previously to the birth of the monikinia; +since which time a great, salutary, harmonious, and contemplated alteration has +occurred. Nature had reserved the polar region for the new species, with divers +obvious and benevolent purposes. They were rendered uninhabitable by the +obliquity of the sun’s rays; and though matter, in the shape of mastodons and +whales, with an instinct of its antagonistic destination, had frequently +invaded their precincts, it was only to leave the remains of the first embedded +in fields of ice, memorials of the uselessness of struggling against destiny, +and to furnish proofs of the same great truth in the instance of the others; +who, if they did enter the polar basins as masters of the great deep, either +left their bones there, or returned in the same characters as they went. From +the appearance of animal nature on the earth, down to the period when the +monikin race arose, the regions in question were not only uninhabited, but +virtually uninhabitable. When, however, nature, always wary, wise, beneficent, +and never to be thwarted, had prepared the way, those phenomena were exhibited +that cleared the road for the new species. I have alluded to the internal +struggle between fire and water, and to their progeny, steam. This new agent +was now required to act. A moment’s attention to the manner in which the next +great step in the progress of civilization was made, will show with what +foresight and calculation our common mother had established her laws. The earth +is flattened at the poles, as is well imagined by some of the human +philosophers, in consequence of its diurnal movement commencing while the ball +was still in a state of fusion, which naturally threw off a portion of the +unkneaded matter towards the periphery. This was not done without the design of +accomplishing a desired end. The matter that was thus accumulated at the +equator, was necessarily abstracted from other parts; and in this manner the +crust of the globe became thinnest at the poles. When a sufficiency of steam +had been generated in the centre of the ball, a safety-valve was evidently +necessary to prevent a total disruption. As there was no other machinist than +nature, she worked with her own tools, and agreeably to her own established +laws. The thinnest portions of the crust opportunely yielded to prevent a +catastrophe, when the superfluous and heated vapor escaped, in a right line +with the earth’s axis, into vacuum. This phenomenon occurred, as nearly as we +have been able to ascertain, about the year 700 before the Christian era +commenced, or some two centuries previously to the birth of the first +monikins.” +</p> + +<p> +“And why so early, may I presume to inquire, Doctor?” +</p> + +<p> +“Simply that there might be time for the new climate to melt the ice that had +accumulated about the islands and continents of that region (for it was only at +the southern extremity of the earth that the explosion had taken place), in the +course of so many centuries. Two hundred and seventy years of the active and +unremitted agency of steam sufficed for this end; since the accomplishment of +which, the monikin race has been in the undisturbed enjoyment of the whole +territory, together with its blessed fruits.” +</p> + +<p> +“Am I to understand,” asked Captain Poke, with more interest than he had before +manifested in the philosopher’s lecture, “that your folks, when at hum’, live +to the south’ard of the belt of ice that we mariners always fall in with +somewhere about the parallel of 77 degrees south latitude?” +</p> + +<p> +“Precisely so—alas! that we should, this day, be so far from those regions of +peace, delight, intelligence, and salubrity! But the will of Providence be +done!—doubtless there is a wise motive for our captivity and sufferings, which +may yet lead to the further glory of the monikin race!” +</p> + +<p> +“Will you have the kindness to proceed with your explanations, Doctor? If you +deny the annual revolution of the earth, in what manner do you account for the +changes of the seasons, and other astronomical phenomena, such as the eclipses +which so frequently occur?” +</p> + +<p> +“You remind me that the subject is not yet exhausted,” the philosopher +hurriedly rejoined, hastily and covertly dashing a tear from his eye. +“Prosperity produced some of its usual effects among the founders of our +species. For a few centuries, they went on multiplying in numbers, elongating +and rendering still more consecutive their cauda, improving in knowledge and +the arts, until some spirits, more audacious than the rest, became restive +under the slow march of events, which led them towards perfection at a rate +ill-suited to their fiery impatience. At this time, the mechanic arts were at +the highest pitch of perfection amongst us—we have since, in a great measure, +abandoned them, as unsuited to, and unnecessary for, an advanced state of +civilization—we wore clothes, constructed canals, and effected other works that +were greatly esteemed among the species from which we had emigrated. At this +time, also, the whole monikin family lived together as one people, enjoyed the +same laws, and pursued the same objects. But a political sect arose in the +region, under the direction of misguided and hot-headed leaders, who brought +down upon us the just judgment of Providence, and a multitude of evils that it +will require ages to remedy. This sect soon had recourse to religious +fanaticism and philosophical sophisms, to attain its ends. It grew rapidly in +power and numbers; for we monikins, like men, as I have had occasion to +observe, are seekers of novelties. At last it proceeded to absolute overt acts +of treason against the laws of Providence itself. The first violent +demonstration of its madness and folly was, setting up the doctrine that +injustice had been done the monikin race, by causing the safety-valve of the +world to be opened within their region. Although we were manifestly indebted to +this very circumstance for the benignity of our climate, the value of our +possessions, the general healthfulness of our families-nay, for our separate +existence itself, as an independent species, yet did these excited and +ill-judging wretches absolutely wage war upon the most benevolent and the most +unequivocal friend they had. Specious promises led to theories, theories to +declamations, declamation to combination, combination to denunciation, and +denunciation to open hostilities. The matter in dispute was debated for two +generations, when the necessary degree of madness having been excited, the +leaders of the party, who by this time had worked themselves through their +hobby, into the general control of the monikin affairs, called a meeting of all +their partisans and passed certain resolutions, which will never be blotted +from the monikin memory, so fatal were their consequences, so ruinous for a +time their effects! They were conceived in the following terms:— +</p> + +<p> +“‘At a full and overflowing meeting of the most monikinized of the monikin +race, holden at the house of Peleg Pat (we still used the human appellations, +at that epoch), in the year of the world 3,007, and of the monikin era 317, +Plausible Shout was called to the chair, and Ready Quill was named secretary.’” +</p> + +<p> +“‘After several excellent and eloquent addresses from all present, it was +unanimously resolved as follows, viz.:’” +</p> + +<p> +“‘That steam is a curse, and not a blessing; and that it deserves to be +denounced by all patriotic and true monikins.’” +</p> + +<p> +“‘That we deem it the height of oppression and injustice in nature, that she +has placed the great safety-valve of the world within the lawful limits of the +monikin territories.’” +</p> + +<p> +“‘That the said safety-valve ought to be removed forthwith; and that it shall +be so removed, peaceably if it can, forcibly if it must.’” +</p> + +<p> +“‘That we cordially approve of the sentiments of John Jaw, our present +estimable chief magistrate, the incorruptible partisan, the undaunted friend of +his friends, the uncompromising enemy of steam, and the sound, pure, orthodox, +and true monikin.’” +</p> + +<p> +“‘That we recommend the said Jaw to the confidence of all monikins.’” +</p> + +<p> +“‘That we call upon the country to sustain us in our great, holy, and glorious +design, pledging ourselves, posterity, the bones of our ancestors, and all who +have gone before or who may come after us, to the faithful execution of our +intentions. +</p> + +<p> +“‘Signed,’” +</p> + +<p> +“‘PLAUSIBLE SHOUT, Chairman.’” +</p> + +<p> +“‘READY QUILL, Secretary.’” +</p> + +<p> +“No sooner were these resolutions promulgated (for instead of being passed at a +full meeting, it is now understood they were drawn up between Messrs. Shout and +Quill, under the private dictation of Mr. Jaw), than the public mind began +seriously to meditate proceeding to extremities. That perfection in the +mechanic arts, which had hitherto formed our pride and boast, now proved to be +our greatest enemy. It is thought that the leaders of this ill-directed party +meant, in truth, to confine themselves to certain electioneering effects; but +who can stay the torrent, or avert the current of prejudice! The stream was +setting against steam; the whole invention of the species was put in motion; +and in one year from the passage of the resolutions I have recited, mountains +were transported, endless piles of rocks were thrown into the gulf, arches were +constructed, and the hole of the safety-valve was hermetically sealed. You will +form some idea of the waste of intelligence and energy on this occasion, when I +add that it was found, by actual observation, that this artificial portion of +the earth was thicker, stronger, and more likely to be durable than the +natural. So far did infatuation lead the victims, that they actually caused the +whole region to be sounded, and, having ascertained the precise locality of the +thinnest portion of the crust, John Jaw, and all the most zealous of his +followers, removed to the spot, where they established the seat of their +government in triumph. All this time nature rested upon her arms, in the quiet +of conscious force. It was not long, however, before our ancestors began to +perceive the consequences of their act, in the increase of the cold, in the +scarcity of fruits, and in the rapid augmentation of the ice. The monikin +enthusiasm is easily awakened in favor of any plausible theory, but it +invariably yields to physical pressure. No doubt the human race, better +furnished with the material of physical resistance, does not exhibit so much of +this weakness, but—” +</p> + +<p> +“Do not flatter us with the exception, Doctor. I find so many points of +resemblance between us, that I really begin to think we must have had the same +origin; and if you would only admit that man is of the secondary formation, and +the monikins of the primary, I would accept the whole of your philosophy +without a moment’s delay.” +</p> + +<p> +“As such an admission would be contrary to both fact and doctrine, I trust, my +dear sir, you will see the utter impossibility of a Professor in the University +of Leaphigh making the concession, even in this remote part of the world. As I +was about to observe, the people began to betray uneasiness at the increasing +and constant inclemency of the weather; and Mr. John Jaw found it necessary to +stimulate their passions by a new development of his principles. His friends +and partisans were all assembled in the great square of the new capital, and +the following resolutions were, to use the language of a handbill that is still +preserved in the archives of the Leaphigh Historical Society (for it would seem +they were printed before they were passed), ‘unanimously, enthusiastically, and +finally adopted,’ viz.: +</p> + +<p> +“‘Resolved, That this meeting has the utmost contempt for steam.’” +</p> + +<p> +“‘Resolved, That this meeting defies snow, and sterility, and all other natural +disadvantages.’” +</p> + +<p> +“‘Resolved, That we will live forever.’” +</p> + +<p> +“‘Resolved, That we will henceforward go naked, as the most effectual means of +setting the frost at defiance.’” +</p> + +<p> +“‘Resolved, That we are now over the thinnest part of the earth’s crust in the +polar regions.’” +</p> + +<p> +“‘Resolved, That henceforth we will support no monikin for any public trust, +who will not give a pledge to put out all his fires, and to dispense with +cooking altogether.’” +</p> + +<p> +“‘Resolved, That we are animated by the true spirit of patriotism, reason, good +faith, and firmness.’” +</p> + +<p> +“‘Resolved, That this meeting now adjourn sine die.’” +</p> + +<p> +“We are told that the last resolution was just carried by acclamation, when +nature arose in her might, and took ample vengeance for all her wrongs. The +great boiler of the earth burst with a tremendous explosion, carrying away, as +the thinnest part of the workmanship, not only Mr. John Jaw, and all his +partisans, but forty thousand square miles of territory. The last that was seen +of them was about thirty seconds after the occurrence of the explosion, when +the whole mass disappeared near the northern horizon, going at a rate a little +surpassing that of a cannon ball which has just left its gun.” +</p> + +<p> +“King!” exclaimed Noah; “that is what we sailors call ‘to cut and run.’” +</p> + +<p> +“Was nothing ever heard of Mr. Jaw and his companions, my good Doctor?” +</p> + +<p> +“Nothing that could be depended on. Some of our naturalists assume that the +monkeys which frequent the other parts of the earth are their descendants, who, +stunned by the shock, have lost their reasoning powers, while, at the same +time, they show glimmerings of their origin. This is, in truth, the better +opinion of our savans; and it is usual with us, to distinguish all the human +species of monkeys by the name of ‘the lost monikins.’ Since my captivity, +chance has thrown me in the way of several of these animals, who were equally +under the control of the cruel Savoyards; and in conversing with them, in order +to inquire into their traditions and to trace the analogies of language, I have +been led to think there is some foundation for the opinion. Of this, however, +hereafter.” +</p> + +<p> +“Pray, Dr. Reasono, what became of the forty thousand square miles of +territory?” +</p> + +<p> +“Of that we have a better account; for one of our vessels, which was far to the +northward, on an exploring expedition, fell in with it in longitude 2 degrees +from Leaphigh, latitude 6 degrees S., and by her means it was ascertained that +divers islands had been already formed by falling fragments; and, judging by +the direction of the main body when last seen, the fertility of that part of +the world, and various geological proofs, we hold that the great western +archipelago is the deposit of the remainder.” +</p> + +<p> +“And the monikin region, sir—what was the consequence of this phenomenon to +that part of the world?” +</p> + +<p> +“Awful—sublime—various—and durable! The more important, or the personal +consequences, shall be mentioned first. Fully one-third of the monikin species +were scalded to death. A great many contracted asthmas and other diseases of +the lungs, by inhaling steam. Most of the bridges were swept away by the sudden +melting of the snows, and large stores of provisions were spoiled by the +unexpected appearance and violent character of the thaw. These may be +enumerated among the unpleasant consequences. Among the pleasant, we esteem a +final and agreeable melioration of the climate, which regained most of its +ancient character, and a rapid and distinct elongation of our caudtz, by a +sudden acquisition of wisdom. +</p> + +<p> +“The secondary, or the terrestrial consequences, were as follows:—By the +suddenness and force with which so much steam rushed into space, finding its +outlet several degrees from the pole, the earth was canted from its +perpendicular attitude, and remained fixed, with its axis having an inclination +of 23 degrees 27′ to the plane of its orbit. At the same time the orb +began to move in vacuum, and, restrained by antagonistic attractions, to +perform what is called its annual revolution.” +</p> + +<p> +“I can very well understand, friend Reasono,” observed Noah, “why the ’arth +should heel under so sudden a flaw, though a well-ballasted ship would right +again when the puff was over; but I cannot understand how a little steam +leaking out at one end of a craft should set her agoing at the rate we are told +this world travels?” +</p> + +<p> +“If the escape of the steam were constant, the diurnal motion giving it every +moment a new position, the earth would not be propelled in its orbit, of a +certainty, Captain Poke; but as, in fact, this escape of the steam has the +character of pulsation, being periodical and regular, nature has ordained that +it shall occur but once in the twenty-four hours, and this at such a time as to +render its action uniform, and its impulsion always in the same direction. The +principle on which the earth receives this impetus, can be easily illustrated +by a familiar experiment. Take, for instance, a double-barrelled fowling-piece, +load both barrels with extra quantities of powder, introduce a ball and two +wads into each barrel, place the breech within 4 628/1000 inches of the +abdomen, and take care to fire both barrels at once. In this case, the balls +will give an example of the action of the forty thousand square miles of +territory, and the person experimenting will not fail to imitate the impulsion, +or the backward movement of the earth.” +</p> + +<p> +“While I do not deny that such an experiment would be likely to set both +parties in motion, friend Reasono, I do not see why the ’arth should not +finally stop, as the man would be sure to do, after he had got through with +hopping, and kicking, and swearing.” +</p> + +<p> +“The reason why the earth, once set in motion in vacuum, does not stop, can +also be elucidated by experiment, as follows:—Take Captain Noah Poke, provided +as he is by nature with legs and the power of motion; lead him to the Place +Vendome; cause him to pay three sous, which will gain him admission to the base +of the column; let him ascend to the summit; thence let him leap with all his +energy, in a direction at right angles with the shaft of the column, into the +open air; and it will be found that, though the original impulsion would not +probably impel the body more than ten or twelve feet, motion would continue +until it had reached the earth. Corollary: hence it is proved that all bodies +in which the vis inertia has been overcome will continue in motion, until they +come in contact with some power capable of stopping them.” +</p> + +<p> +“King!—Do you not think, Mr. Reasono, that the ’arth makes its circuit, as much +owing to this said steam of yours shoving, as it were, always a little on one +side, acting thereby in some fashion as a rudder, which causes her to keep +waring as we seamen call it, and as big crafts take more room than small ones +in waring, why, she is compelled to run so many millions of miles, before, as +it were, she comes up to the wind ag’in? Now, there is reason in such an idee; +whereas, I never could reconcile it to my natur’, that these little bits of +stars should keep a craft like the ’arth in her course, with such a devil of a +way on her, as we know in reason she must have, to run so far in a twelvemonth. +Why, the smallest yaw—and, for a hooker of her keel, a thousand miles wouldn’t +be a broader yaw than a hundred feet in a ship—the smallest yaw would send her +aboard of the Jupiter, or the Marcury, when there would be a smashing of +out-board work such as mortal never before witnessed!” +</p> + +<p> +“We rather lean to the opinion of the efficacy of attraction, sir; nor do I see +that your proposition would at all obviate your own objection.” +</p> + +<p> +“Then, sir, I will just explain myself. Let us suppose there was a steamer with +a hundred miles of keel; let us suppose the steam up, and the craft with a +broad offing; let us suppose her helm lash’d hard aport, and she going at the +rate of ten thousand knots the hour, without bringing up or shortening sail for +years at a time. Now, all this being admitted, what would be her course? Why, +sir, any child could tell you, she would keep turning in a circle of some fifty +or a hundred thousand miles in circumference; and such, it appears to me, it is +much more rational to suppose is the natur’ of the ’arth’s traversing, than all +this steering small among stars and attractions.” +</p> + +<p> +“There is truly something very plausible, Captain Poke, in your suggestion; and +I propose that you shall profit by the first occasion to lay your opinions on +the subject, more at large, before the Academy of Leaphigh.” +</p> + +<p> +“With all my heart, Doctor; for I hold that knowledge, like good liquor, is +given to be passed round from one to another, and not to be gulped in a corner +by any particular individle. And now I’m throwing out hints of this natur’ I +will just intimate another that you may add to your next demonstration, by way +of what you call a corollary; which is this—that is to say—if all you tell us +about the bursting of the boiler, and the polar kick be true, then is the ’arth +the first steamboat that was ever invented, and the boastings of the French, +and the English, and the Spaniards, and the Italians, on this point, are no +more than so much smoke.” +</p> + +<p> +“And of the Americans, too, Captain Poke,” I ventured to observe. +</p> + +<p> +“Why, Sir John, that is as it may happen. I don’t well see how Fulton could +have stolen the idee, seeing that he did not know the Doctor, and most probably +never heard of Leaphigh in his life.” +</p> + +<p> +We all smiled, even to the amiable Chatterissa, at the nicety of the +navigator’s distinctions; and the philosopher’s lecture, in its more didactic +form, being now virtually at an end, a long and desultory conversation took +place, in which a multitude of ingenious questions were put by Captain Poke and +myself, and which were as cleverly answered by the Doctor and his friends. +</p> + +<p> +At length, Dr. Reasono, who, philosopher as he was, and much as he loved +science, had not given himself all this trouble without a view to what are +called ulterior considerations, came out with a frank expose of his wishes. +Accident had apparently combined all the means for gratifying the burning +desire I betrayed to be let into further details of the monikin polity, morals, +philosophy, and all the other great social interests of the part of the world +they inhabit. I was wealthy beyond bounds, and the equipment of a proper vessel +would be an expenditure of no moment; both the Doctor and Lord Chatterino were +good practical geographers, after they were once within the parallel of 77 +degrees south, and Captain Poke, according to his own account of himself, had +passed half his life in poking about among the sterile and uninhabited islands +of the frozen ocean. What was there to prevent the most earnest wishes of all +present from being gratified? The captain was out of employment, and no doubt +would be glad to get the command of a good tight sea-boat; the strangers pined +for home, and it was my most ardent wish to increase my stake in society, by +taking a further interest in monikins. +</p> + +<p> +On this hint, I frankly made a proposal to the old sealer to undertake the task +of restoring these amiable and enlightened strangers to their own firesides and +families. The Captain soon began to discover a little of his Stunin’tun +propensity; for the more I pressed the matter on him, the more readily he found +objections. The several motives he urged for declining the proposal, may be +succinctly given as follows:— +</p> + +<p> +It was true that he wanted employment, but then he wanted to see Stunin’tun +too; he doubted whether monkeys would make good sailors; it was no joke to run +in among the ice, and it might be still less of one to find our way back again; +he had seen the bodies of dead seals and bears that were frozen as hard as +stone, and which might, for anything he knew, have lain in that state a hundred +years, and, for his part, he should like to be buried when he was good for +nothing else. How did he know these monikins might not catch the men, when they +had once fairly got them in their country, and strip them, and make them throw +summersets, as the Savoyards had compelled the Doctor, and even the Lady +Chatterissa to do?—he knew he should break his neck the very first flap-jack; +if he were ten years younger, perhaps he should like the frolic; he did not +believe the right sort of craft could be found in England, and for his part, he +liked sailing under the stars and stripes; he didn’t know but he might go if he +had a crew of Stunin’tunners; he always knew how to get along with such people; +he could scare one by threatening to tell his marm how he behaved, and bring +another to reason by hinting that the gals would shy him if he wasn’t more +accommodating; then there might be no such place as Leaphigh, after all; or, if +there was, he might never find it; as for wearing a bison-skin under the +equator, it was quite out of the question, a human skin being a heavy load to +carry in the calm latitudes; and finally that he didn’t exactly see what he was +to get by it. +</p> + +<p> +These objections were met, one by one, reversing the order in which they were +made, and commencing with the last. +</p> + +<p> +I offered a thousand pounds sterling as the reward. This proposal brought a +gleam of satisfaction into Noah’s eyes, though he shook his head, as if he +thought it very little. It was then suggested that there was no doubt we should +discover certain islands that were well stored with seals, and that I would +waive all claims as owner, and that hereafter he might turn these discoveries +to his own private account. At this bait he nibbled, and, at one time, I +thought he was about to suffer himself to be caught. But he remained obstinate. +After trying all our united rhetoric, and doubling the amount of the pecuniary +offer, Dr. Reasono luckily bethought him of the universal engine of human +weakness, and the old sealer, who had resisted money—an influence of known +efficacy at Stunin’tun—ambition, the secret of new sealing grounds, and all the +ordinary inducements that might be thought to have weight with men of his +class, was, in the end, hooked by his own vanity! +</p> + +<p> +The philosopher cunningly expatiated on the pleasure there would be in reading +a paper before the Academy of Leaphigh, on the subject of the captain’s +peculiar views touching the earth’s annual revolution, and of the virtue of +sailing planets, with their helms lashed hard aport, when all the dogmatical +old navigator’s scruples melted away like snow in a thaw. +</p> + +</div><!--end chapter--> + +<div class="chapter"> + +<h2><a name="link2HCH0013"></a> +CHAPTER XIII.<br/> +A CHAPTER OF PREPARATIONS—DISCRIMINATION IN CHARACTER—A TIGHT FIT, AND OTHER +CONVENIENCES, WITH SOME JUDGMENT.</h2> + +<p> +I shall pass lightly over the events of the succeeding month. During this time, +the whole party were transferred to England, a proper ship had been bought and +equipped, the family of strangers were put in quiet possession of their cabins, +and I had made all ray arrangements for being absent from England for the next +two years. The vessel was a stout-built, comfortable ship of about three +hundred tons burden, and had been properly constructed to encounter the dangers +of the ice. Her accommodations were suitably arranged to meet all the +exigencies of both monikin and human wants, the apartments of the ladies being +very properly separated from those of the gentlemen, and otherwise rendered +decorous and commodious. The Lady Chatterissa very pleasantly called their +private room the gynecee, which, as I afterwards ascertained, was a term for +the women’s apartment, obtained from the Greek, the monikins being quite as +much addicted as we are ourselves, to showing their acquirements by the +introduction of words from foreign tongues. +</p> + +<p> +Noah showed great care in the selection of the ship’s company, the service +being known to be arduous, and the duties of a very responsible character. For +this purpose, he made a journey expressly to Liverpool (the ship lying in the +Greenland Dock at London), where he was fortunate enough to engage five +Yankees, as many Englishmen, two Norwegians, and a Swede, all of whom had been +accustomed to cruising as near the poles as ordinary men ever succeeded in +reaching. He was also well suited in his cook and mates; but I observed that he +had great difficulty in finding a cabin-boy to his mind. More than twenty +applicants were rejected, some for the want of one qualification, and some for +the want of another. As I was present at several examinations of different +candidates for the office, I got a little insight into his manner of +ascertaining their respective merits. +</p> + +<p> +The invariable practice was, first, to place a bottle of rum and a pitcher of +water before the lad, and to order him to try his hand at mixing a glass of +grog. Four applicants were incontinently rejected for manifesting a natural +inaptitude at hitting the juste milieu, in this important part of the duty of a +cabin-boy. Most of the candidates, however, were reasonably expert in the art; +and the captain soon came to the next requisite, which was, to say “Sir,” in a +tone, as Noah expressed it, somewhere between the snap of a steel-trap and the +mendicant whine of a beggar. Fourteen were rejected for deficiencies on this +score, the captain remarking that most of them “were the sa’ciest blackguards” +he had ever fallen in with. When he had, at length, found one who could mix a +tumbler of grog, and answer “Sir,” to his liking, he proceeded to make +experiments on their abilities in carrying a soup-tureen over a slushed plank; +in wiping plates without a napkin, and without using their shirt-sleeves; in +snuffing candles with their fingers; in making a soft bed with few materials +besides boards; in mixing the various compounds of burgoo, lobscouse, and +dough, (which he affectedly pronounced duff); in fattening pigs on beef-bones, +and ducks on the sweepings of the deck; in looking at molasses without licking +his lips; and in various other similar accomplishments, which he maintained +were as familiar to the children of Stunin’tun, as their singing-books and the +ten commandments. The nineteenth candidate, to my uninstructed eyes, seemed +perfect; but Noah rejected him for the want of a quality that he declared was +indispensable to the quiet of the ship. It appeared that he was too bony about +an essential part of his anatomy, a peculiarity that was very dangerous to a +captain, as he himself was once so unfortunate as to put his great toe out of +joint, by kicking one of those ill-formed youngsters with unpremeditated +violence; a thing that was very apt to happen to a man in a hurry. Luckily, No. +twenty passed, and was immediately promoted to the vacant berth. The very next +day the ship put to sea, in good condition, and with every prospect of a +fortunate voyage. +</p> + +<p> +I will here state that a general election occurred the week before we sailed; +and I ran down to Householder and got myself returned, in order to protect the +interests of those who had a natural right to look up to me for that small +favor. +</p> + +<p> +We discharged the pilot when we had the Scilly Islands over the taffrail, and +Mr. Poke took command of the vessel in good earnest. Coming down channel, he +had done little more than rummage about in the cabin, examine the lockers, and +make his foot acquainted with the anatomy of poor Bob, as the cabin-boy was +called; who, judging from the amount of the captain’s practice, was admirably +well suited for his station, in the great requisite of a kickee. But, the last +hold of the land loosened by the departure of the pilot, our navigator came +forth in his true colors, and showed the stuff of which he was really made. The +first thing he did was to cause a pull to be made on every halyard, bowline, +and brace in the ship; he then rattled off both mates, in order to show them +(as he afterwards told me in confidence) that he was captain of his own vessel; +gave the people to understand he did not like to speak twice on the same +subject and on the same occasion, which he said was a privilege he very +willingly left to Congressmen and women; and then he appeared satisfied with +himself and all around him. +</p> + +<p> +A week after we had taken our departure, I ventured to ask Captain Poke if it +might not be well enough to take an observation, and to resort to some means in +order to know where the ship was. Noah treated this idea with great disrespect. +He could see no use in wearing out quadrants without any necessity for it. Our +course was south, we knew, for we were bound to the south pole; all we had to +do was to keep America on the starboard, and Africa on the larboard hand. To be +sure, there was something to be said about the trades, and a little allowance +to be made for currents now and then; but he and the ship would get to be +better acquainted before a great while, and then all would go on like +clockwork. A few days after this conversation, I was on deck just as day +dawned, and to my surprise Noah, who was in his berth, called out to the mate, +through the skylight, to let him know exactly how the land bore. No one had yet +seen any land; but at this summons we began to look about us, and sure enough +there was an island dimly visible on the eastern board! Its position by compass +was immediately communicated to the captain, who seemed well satisfied with the +result. Renewing his admonition to the officer of the deck to take care and +keep Africa on the larboard hand, he turned over in his bed to resume his nap. +</p> + +<p> +I afterwards understood from the mates, that we had made a very capital fall +upon the trades, and that we were getting on wonderfully well, though it was +quite as great a mystery to them as it was to me, how the captain could know +where the ship was; for he had not touched his quadrant, except to wipe it with +a silk handkerchief, since we left England. About a fortnight after we had +passed the Cape de Verds, Noah came on deck in a great rage, and began to storm +at the mate and the man at the wheel for not keeping the ship her course. To +this the former answered with spirit, that the only order he had received in a +fortnight, was “to keep her jogging south, allowing for variation,” and that +she was heading at that moment according to orders. Hereupon, Noah gave Bob, +who happened to pass him just then, a smart application a posteriori, and swore +“that the compass was as big a fool as the mate; that the ship was two points +off her course; that south was hereaway, and not thereaway; that he knew by the +feel of the wind that it had no northin’ in it, and we had got it away on the +quarter, whereas it ought to be for’ard of the beam; that we were running for +Rio instead of Leaphigh, and that if we ever expected to get to the latter +country, we must haul up on a good taut bowline.” The mate, to my surprise, +suddenly acquiesced, and immediately brought the ship by the wind. He +afterwards told me, in a half-whisper, that the second mate having been +sharpening some harpoons, had unwittingly left them much too close to the +binnacle; and that, in fact, the magnet had been attracted by them, so as to +deceive the man at the wheel and himself, fully twenty degrees as to the real +points of the compass. I must say this little occurrence greatly encouraged me, +leaving no doubt about our eventual and safe arrival as far, at least, as the +boundary of ice which separates the human from the monikin region. Profiting by +this feeling of security, I now began to revive the intercourse with the +strangers, which had been partially interrupted by the novel and disagreeable +circumstances of a sea life. +</p> + +<p> +The Lady Chatterissa and her companion, as is much the case with females at +sea, rarely left the gynecee; but as we drew near the equator, the philosopher +and the young peer passed most of their time on deck, or aloft. Dr. Reasono and +I spent half of the mild nights in discussing subjects connected with my future +travels; and as soon as we were well clear of the rain and the thunder and +lightning of the calm latitudes, Captain Poke, Robert, and myself began to +study the language of Leaphigh. The cabin-boy was included in this arrangement, +Noah intimating we should find it convenient to take him on shore with us, +since a wish to conceal my destination had induced me to bring no servant +along. Luckily for us, the monikin ingenuity had greatly diminished the labor +of the acquisition. The whole language was spoken and written on a system of +decimals, which rendered it particularly easy, after the elementary principles +were once acquired. Thus, unlike most human tongues, in which the rule usually +forms the exception, no departure from its laws was ever allowed, under the +penalty of the pillory. This provision, the captain protested, was the best +rule of them all, and saved a vast deal of trouble; for, as he knew by +experience, a man might be a perfect adept in the language of Stunin’tun, and +then be laughed at in New York for his pains. The comprehensiveness of the +tongue was also another great advantage; though, like all other eminent +advantages or excessive good, it was the next-door neighbor to as great an +evil. Thus, as my Lord Chatterino obligingly explained, “we-witch-it-me-cum” +means “Madam, I love you from the crown of my head to the tip of my tail; and +as I love no other half as well, it would make me the happiest monikin on +earth, if you would consent to become my wife, that we might be models of +domestic propriety before all eyes, from this time henceforth and forever.” In +short, it was the usual and most solemn expression for asking in marriage; and, +by the laws of the land, was binding on the proposer until as formally declined +by the other party. But, unluckily, the word “we-switch-it-me-cum” means +“Madam, I love you from the crown of my head to the tip of my tail; and, if I +did not love another better, it would make me the happiest monikin on earth, if +you would consent to become my wife, that we might be models of domestic +propriety before all eyes, from this time henceforth and forever.” Now this +distinction, subtle and insignificant as it was to the eye and the ear, caused +a vast deal of heart-burning and disappointment among the young people of +Leaphigh. Several serious lawsuits had grown out of this cause, and two great +political parties had taken root in the unfortunate mistake of a young monikin +of quality, who happened to lisp, and who used the fatal word indiscreetly. +That feud, however, was now happily appeased, having lasted only a century, but +it would be wise, as we were all three bachelors, to take note of the +distinction. Captain Poke said he thought, on the whole, he was perfectly safe, +as he was much accustomed to the use of the word “switchel”; but he thought it +might be very well to go before some consul as soon as the ship anchored, and +enter a formal protest of our ignorance of all these niceties, lest some +advantage should be taken of us by the reptiles of lawyers; that he in +particular was not a bachelor, and that Miss Poke would be as furious as a +hurricane, if by accident, he should happen to forget himself. The matter was +deferred for future deliberation. +</p> + +<p> +About this time, too, I had some more interesting communications with Dr. +Reasono, on the subject of the private histories of all the party of which he +was the principal member. It would seem that the philosopher, though rich in +learning, and the proprietor of one of the best developed caudce in the entire +monikin world, was poor in the more vulgar attributes of monikin wealth. While +he bestowed freely, therefore, from the stores of his philosophy, and through +the medium of the academy of Leaphigh, on all his fellows, he was obliged to +seek an especial recipient for his surplus knowledge, in the shape of a pupil, +in order to provide for the small remains of the animal that still lingered in +his habits. Lord Chatterino, the orphan heritor of one of the noblest and +wealthiest, as well as one of the most ancient houses of Leaphigh, had been put +under his instruction at a very tender age, as had my Lady Chatterissa under +that of Mrs. Lynx, with very much the same objects. This young and accomplished +pair had early distinguished each other, in monikin society, for their unusual +graces of person, general attainments, mutual amiableness of disposition, +harmony of thought, and soundness of principles. Everything was propitious to +the gentle flame which was kindled in the vestal bosom of Chatterissa, and +which was met by a passion so ardent and so respectful, as that which glowed in +the heart of young No. 8 purple. The friends of the respective parties, so soon +as the budding sympathy between them was observed, in order to prevent the +blight of wishes so appropriate, had called in the aid of the matrimonial +surveyor-general of Leaphigh, an officer especially appointed by the king in +council, whose duty it is to take cognizance of the proprieties of all +engagements that are likely to assume a character as grave and durable as that +of marriage. Dr. Reasono showed me the certificate issued from the Marriage +Department on this occasion, and which, in all his wanderings, he had contrived +to conceal within the lining of the Spanish hat the Savoyards had compelled him +to wear, and which he still preserved as a document that was absolutely +indispensable on his return to Leaphigh; else he would never be permitted to +travel afoot in company with two young people of birth and of good estates, who +were of the different sexes. I translate the certificate, as literally as the +poverty of the English language will allow. +</p> + +<p> +Extract from the Book of Fitness, Marriage Department, Leaphigh, season of +nuts, day of brightness. +</p> + +<p> +Vol. 7243, p. 82. +</p> + +<p> +Lord Chatterino: Domains; 126,952 3/4 acres of land; meadow, arable and wood in +just proportions. +</p> + +<p> +Lady Chatterissa: Domains; 115,999 1/2 acres of land; mostly arable. +</p> + +<p> +Decree, as of record; it is found that the lands of my Lady Chatterissa possess +in quality what they want in quantity. +</p> + +<p> +Lord Chatterino: Birth; sixteen descents pure; one bastardy—four descents +pure—a suspicion—one descent pure—a certainty. +</p> + +<p> +Lady Chatterissa: Birth; six descents pure—three bastardies—eleven descents +pure—a certainty—a suspicion—unknown. +</p> + +<p> +Decree as of record; it is found that the advantage is on the side of my Lord +Chatterino, but the excellence of the estate on the other side is believed to +equalize the parties. +</p> + +<p> +(Signed) No. 6 ermine. A true copy. +</p> + +<p> +(Counter signed) No. 1,000,003 ink-color. +</p> + +<p> +Ordered, that the parties make the Journey of Trial together, under the charge +of Socrates Reasono, Professor of Probabilities in the University of Leaphigh, +LL.D., F. U. D. G. E., and of Mrs. Vigilance Lynx, licensed duenna. +</p> + +<p> +The Journey of Trial is so peculiar to the monikin system, and it might be so +usefully introduced into our own, that it may be well to explain it. Whenever +it is found that a young couple are agreeable (to use a peculiar anglicized +anglicism), in all the more essential requisites of matrimony, they are sent on +the journey in question, under the care of prudent and experienced mentors, +with a view to ascertain how far they may be able to support, in each other’s +society, the ordinary vicissitudes of life. In the case of candidates of the +more vulgar classes, there are official overseers, who usually drag them +through a few mud-puddles, and then set them to work at some hard labor that is +especially profitable to the public functionaries, who commonly get the greater +part of their own year’s work done in this manner. But, as the moral provisions +of all laws are invented less for those who own 126,952 3/4 acres of land, +divided into meadow, arable and wood, in just proportions, than for those whose +virtues are more likely to yield to the fiery ordeal of temptation, the rich +and noble, after making a proper and useful manifestation of their compliance +with the usage, ordinarily retire to their country seats, where they pass the +period of probation as agreeably as they can; taking care to cause to be +inserted in the Leaphigh gazette, however, occasional extracts from their +letters describing the pains and hardships they are compelled to endure for the +consolation and edification of those who have neither birth nor country houses. +In a good many instances the journey is actually performed by proxy But the +case of my Lord Chatterino and my Lady Chatterissa formed an exception even to +these exceptions. It was thought by the authorities that the attachment of a +pair so illustrious offered a good occasion to distinguish the Leaphigh +impartiality; and on the well-known principle which induces us sometimes to +hang an earl in England, the young couple were commanded actually to go forth +with all useful eclat (secret orders being given to their guardians to allow +every possible indulgence, at the same time), in order that the lieges might +see and exult in the sternness and integrity of their rulers. +</p> + +<p> +Dr. Reasono had accordingly taken his departure from the capital for the +mountains, where he instructed his wards in a practical commentary of the ups +and downs of life, by exposing them on the verges of precipices and in the +delights of the most fertile valleys (which, as he justly observed, was the +greater danger of the two), leading them over flinty paths, hungry and cold, in +order to try their tempers; and setting up establishments with the most awkward +peasants for servants, to ascertain the depth of Chatterissa’s philosophy; with +a variety of similar ingenious devices, that will readily suggest themselves to +all who have any matrimonial experience, whether they live in palaces or +cottages. When this part of the trial was successfully terminated (the result +having shown that the gentle Chatterissa was of proof, so far as mere temper +was concerned), the whole party were ordered off to the barrier of ice, which +divides the monikin from the human region, with a view to ascertain whether the +warmth of their attachment was of a nature likely to resist the freezing +collisions of the world. Here, unfortunately, (for the truth must be said), an +unlucky desire of Dr. Reasono, who was already F. U. D. G. E., but who had a +devouring ambition to become also M. O. R. E., led him into the extreme +imprudence of pushing through an opening, where he had formerly discovered an +island, on an ancient expedition of the same sort; and on which island he +thought he saw a rock, that formed a stratum of what he believed to be a +portion of the forty thousand square miles that were discomposed by the great +eruption of the earth’s boiler. The philosopher foresaw a thousand interesting +results that were dependent on the ascertaining of this important fact; for all +the learning of Leaphigh having been exhausted, some five hundred years before, +in establishing the greatest distance to which any fragment had been thrown on +that memorable occasion, great attention had latterly been given to the +discovery of the least distance any fragment had been hurled. Perhaps I ought +to speak tenderly of the consequences of a learned zeal, but it was entirely +owing to this indiscretion that the whole party fell into the hands of certain +mariners who were sealing on the northern shores of this very island, (friends +and neighbors, as it afterwards appeared, of Captain Poke), who remorselessly +seized upon the travellers, and sold them to a homeward-bound India-man, which +they afterwards fell in with near the island of St. Helena—St. Helena! the tomb +of him who is a model to all posterity, for the moderation of his desires, the +simplicity of his character, a deep veneration for truth, profound reverence +for justice, unwavering faith, and a clear appreciation of all the nobler +virtues. +</p> + +<p> +We came in sight of the island in question, just as Dr. Reasono concluded his +interesting narrative; and, turning to Captain Poke, I solemnly asked that +discerning and shrewd seaman,— +</p> + +<p> +“If he did not think the future would fully avenge itself of the past—if +history would not do ample justice to the mighty dead—if certain names would +not be consigned to everlasting infamy for chaining a hero to a rock; and +whether HIS country, the land of freemen, would ever have disgraced itself, by +such an act of barbarism and vengeance?” +</p> + +<p> +The captain heard me very calmly; then deliberately helping himself to some +tobacco, he replied,— +</p> + +<p> +“Harkee, Sir John. At Stunin’tun, when we catch a ferocious critter’, we always +put it in a cage. I’m no great mathematician, as I’ve often told you; if my dog +bites me once, I kick him—twice, I beat him—thrice, I chain him.” +</p> + +<p> +Alas! there are minds so unfortunately constituted, that they have no +sympathies with the sublime. All their tendencies are direct and common-sense +like. To such men, Napoleon appears little better than one who lived among his +fellows more in the character of a tiger than in that of a man. They condemn +him because he could not reduce his own sense of the attributes of greatness to +the level of their home-bred morality. Among this number, it would now seem, +was to be classed Captain Noah Poke. +</p> + +<p> +A wish to relate the manner in which Dr. Reasono and his companions fell into +human hands, has caused me to overlook one or two matters of lighter moment, +that should not, in justice to myself, however, be entirely omitted. +</p> + +<p> +When we had been at sea two days, a very agreeable surprise for the monikin +party was prepared and executed. I had caused a certain number of jackets and +trousers to be made of the skins of different animals, such as dogs, cats, +sheep, tigers, leopards, hogs, etc., etc., with the proper accompaniments of +snouts, hoofs, and claws; and, when the ladies came on deck, after breakfast, +their eyes were no longer offended by our rude innovations upon nature, but the +whole crew were flying about the rigging, like so many animals of the different +species named. Noah and myself appeared in the characters of sea-lions, the +former having intimated that he understood the nature of that beast better than +any other. Of course, this delicate attention was properly appreciated, and +handsomely acknowledged. +</p> + +<p> +I had taken the precaution to order imitation-skins to be made of cotton, which +were worn in the low latitudes; and, as we got near the Falkland Islands, the +real skins were resumed, with promptitude, and I might add, with pleasure. +</p> + +<p> +Noah had, at first, raised some strong objections to the scheme, saying that he +should not feel safe in a ship manned and officered altogether by wild beasts; +but, at last, he came to enjoy the thing as a good joke, never failing to hail +the men, not by their names as formerly, but, as he expressed it himself, “by +their natur’s”; calling out “You cat, scratch this”; “You tiger, jump here”; +“You hog, out of that dirt”; “You dog, scamper there”; “You horse, haul away,” +and divers other similar conceits, that singularly tickled his fancy. The men +themselves took up the ball, which they kept rolling, embellished with all +sorts of nautical witticisms; their surname—they had but one, viz. Smith—being +entirely dropped for the new appellations. Thus, the sounds of “Tom Dog,” “Jack +Cat,” “Bill Tiger,” “Sam Hog,” and “Dick Horse,” were flying about the deck +from morning to night. +</p> + +<p> +Good humor is a great alleviator of bodily privation. From the time the ship +lost sight of Staten Land, we had heavy weather, with hard gales from the +southward and westward; and we had the utmost difficulty in making our +southing. Observations now became a very difficult matter, the sun being +invisible for a week at a time. The marine instinct of Noah, at this crisis, +was of the last importance to all on board. He gave us the cheering assurance, +however, from time to time, that we were going south, although the mates +declared that they knew not where the ship was, or whither she was running; +neither sun, moon, nor star having now been seen for more than a week. +</p> + +<p> +We had been in this state of anxiety and doubt for about a fortnight, when +Captain Poke suddenly appeared on deck, and called for the cabin-boy, in his +usual stentorian and no-denial voice, by the name of “You Bob Ape”; for the +duty of Robert requiring that he should be much about the persons of the +monikins, I had given him a dress of apes’ skins, as a garb that would be more +congenial to their tastes than that of a pig, or a weasel. Bob Ape was soon +forthcoming, and, as he approached his master, he quietly turned his face from +him, receiving, as a matter of course, three or four smart admonitory hints, by +way of letting him know that he was to be active in the performance of the duty +on which he was about to be sent. On this occasion I made an odd discovery. Bob +had profited by the dimensions of his lower garment, which had been cut for a +much larger boy (one of those who had broken down in essaying the true Doric of +“Sir”), by stuffing it with an old union-jack-a sort of “sarvice,” as he +afterwards told me, that saved him a good deal of wear and tear of skin. To +return to passing events, however; when Robert had been duly kicked, he turned +about manfully, and demanded the captain’s pleasure. He was told to bring the +largest and fairest pumpkin he could find, from the private stores of Mr. Poke, +that navigator never going to sea without a store of articles that he termed +“Stunin’tun food.” The captain took the pumpkin between his legs, and carefully +peeled off the whole of its greenish-yellow coat, leaving it a globe of a +whitish color. He then asked for the tar-bucket, and, with his fingers, traced +various marks, which were pretty accurate outlines of the different continents +and the larger islands of the world. The region near the south pole, however, +he left untouched; intimating that it contained certain sealing islands, which +he considered pretty much as the private property of the Stunin’tunners. +</p> + +<p> +“Now, Doctor,” he said, pointing to the pumpkin, “there is the ’arth, and here +is the tar-pot—just mark down the position of your island of Leaphigh, if you +please, according to the best accounts your academy has of the matter. Make a +dab here and there, if you happen to know of any rocks and shoals. After that, +you can lay down the island where you were captured, giving a general idee of +its headlands and of the trending of the coast.” +</p> + +<p> +Dr. Reasono took a fid, and with its end he traced all the desired objects with +great readiness and skill. Noah examined the work, and seemed satisfied that he +had fallen into the hands of a monikin who had very correct notions of bearings +and distances, one, in short, on whose local knowledge it might do to run even +in the night. He then projected the position of Stunnin’tun, an occupation in +which he took great delight, actually designing the meeting-house and the +principal tavern; after which, the chart was laid aside. +</p> + +</div><!--end chapter--> + +<div class="chapter"> + +<h2><a name="link2HCH0014"></a> +CHAPTER XIV.<br/> +HOW TO STEER SMALL—HOW TO RUN THE GAUNTLET WITH A SHIP—HOW TO GO +CLEAR—A NEW-FASHIONED SCREW—DOCK, AND CERTAIN MILE-STONES.</h2> + +<p> +Captain Poke no longer deliberated about the course we were to steer. With his +pumpkin for a chart, his instinct for an observation, and his nose for a +compass, the sturdy sealer stood boldly to the southward; or, at least, he ran +dead before a stiff gale, which, as he more than once affirmed, was as true a +norther as if bred and born in the Canadas. +</p> + +<p> +After coursing over the billows at a tremendous rate for a day and a night, the +captain appeared on deck, with a face of unusual meaning, and a mind loaded +with its own reflections, as was proved by his winking knowingly whenever he +delivered himself of a sentiment; a habit that he had most probably contracted, +in early youth, at Stunin’tun, for it seemed to be quite as inveterate as it +was thoroughbred. +</p> + +<p> +“We shall soon know, Sir John,” he observed, hitching the sea-lion skin into +symmetry, “whether it is sink or swim!” +</p> + +<p> +“Pray explain yourself, Mr. Poke,” cried I, in a little alarm. “If anything +serious is to happen, you are bound to give timely notice.” +</p> + +<p> +“Death is always untimely to some critturs, Sir John.” +</p> + +<p> +“Am I to understand, sir, that you mean to cast away the ship?” +</p> + +<p> +“Not if I can help it, Sir John; but a craft that is foreordained to be a +wrack, will be a wrack, in spite of reefing and bracing. Look ahead, you Dick +Lion—ay, there you have it!” +</p> + +<p> +There we had it, sure enough! I can only compare the scene which now met my +eyes, to a sudden view of the range of the Oberland Alps, when the spectator is +unexpectedly placed on the verge of the precipice of the Weissenstein. There he +would see before him a boundless barrier of glittering ice, broken into the +glorious and fantastic forms of pinnacles, walls, and valleys; while here, we +saw all that was sublime in such a view heightened by the fearful action of the +boisterous ocean, which beat upon the impassable boundary in ceaseless +violence. +</p> + +<p> +“Good God! Captain Poke,” I exclaimed, the instant I caught a glimpse of the +formidable danger that menaced us, “you surely do not mean to continue madly +on, with such a warning of the consequences in plain view?” +</p> + +<p> +“What would you have, Sir John? Leaphigh lies on the t’other side of these +ice-islands!” +</p> + +<p> +“But you need not run the ship against them—why not go round them?” +</p> + +<p> +“Because they go round the ’arth, in this latitude. Now is the time to speak, +Sir John. If we are bound to Leaphigh, we have the choice of three pretty +desperate chances; to go through, to go under, or to go over that there ice. If +we are to put back, there is not a moment to lose, for it may be even now +questioned whether the ship would claw off, as we are, with a sending sea, and +this heavy norther.” +</p> + +<p> +I believe I would, at that moment, gladly have given up all my social stakes to +be well rid of the adventure. Still pride, that substitute for so many virtues, +the greatest and the most potent of all hypocrites, forbade my betraying the +desire to retreat. I deliberated, while the ship flew; and when, at length, I +turned to the captain to suggest a doubt that might, at an earlier notice, +possibly have changed the whole aspect of affairs, he bluntly told me it was +too late. It was safer to proceed than to return, if indeed, return were +possible, in the present state of the winds and waves. Making a merit of +necessity, I braced my nerves to meet the crisis, and remained a submissive, +and, apparently, a calm spectator of that which followed. +</p> + +<p> +The Walrus (such was the name of our good ship) by this time was under easy +canvas, and yet, urged by the gale, she rolled down with alarming velocity +towards the boundary of foam where the congealed and the still liquid element +held their strife. The summits of the frozen crags waved in their glittering +glory in a way just to show that they were afloat; and I remembered to have +heard that, at times, as their bases melted, entire mountains had been known to +roll over, engulfing all that lay beneath. To me it seemed but a moment, before +the ship was fairly overshadowed by these shining cliffs, which, gently +undulating, waved their frozen summits nearly a thousand feet in air. I looked +at Noah, in alarm, for it appeared to me that he intentionally precipitated us +to destruction. But, just as I was about to remonstrate, he made a sign with +his hand, and the vessel was brought to the wind. Still retreat was impossible; +for the heave of the sea was too powerful, and the wind too heavy, to leave us +any hope of long keeping the Walrus from drifting down upon the ragged peaks +that bristled in icy glory to leeward. Nor did Captain Poke himself seem to +entertain any such design; for, instead of hugging the gale, in order to haul +off from the danger, he had caused the yards to be laid perfectly square, and +we were now running, at a great rate, in a line nearly parallel with the frozen +coast, though gradually setting upon it. +</p> + +<p> +“Keep full! Let her go through water, you Jim Tiger,” said the old sealer, +whose professional ardor was fairly aroused. “Now, Sir John, unluckily, we are +on the wrong side of these ice mountains, for the plain reason that Leaphigh +lies to the south’ard of them. We must be stirring, therefore, for no craft +that was ever launched could keep off these crags with such a gale driving home +upon them, for more than an hour or two. Our great concern, at present, is to +look out for a hole to run into.” +</p> + +<p> +“Why have you come so close to the danger, with your knowledge of the +consequences?” +</p> + +<p> +“To own the truth, Sir John, natur’ is natur’, and I’m getting to be a little +near-sighted as I grow old; besides, I’m not so sartain that the danger is the +more dangerous, for taking a good, steady look plump in its face.” +</p> + +<p> +Noah raised his hand, as much as to say he wished no answer, and both of us +were immediately occupied in gazing anxiously to leeward. The ship was just +opening a small cove in the ice, which might have been a cable’s length in +depth, and a quarter of a mile across its outer, or the widest part. Its form +was regular, being that of a semicircle; but, at its bottom, the ice, instead +of forming a continued barrier, like all the rest we had yet passed, was +separated by a narrow opening, that was bounded on each side by a frowning +precipice. The two bergs were evidently drawing nearer to each other, but there +was still a strait, or a watery gorge between them, of some two hundred feet in +width. As the ship plunged onward, the pass was opened, and we caught a glimpse +of the distant view to leeward. It was merely a glimpse—the impatient Walrus +allowing us but a moment for examination—but it appeared sufficient for the +purposes of the old sealer. We were already across the mouth of the cove, and +within a cable’s length of the ice again; for as we drew near what may be +called the little cape, we found ourselves once more in closer proximity to the +menacing mountain. It was a moment when all depended on decision; and +fortunately, our sealer, who was so wary and procrastinating in a bargain, +never had occasion to make two drafts on his thoughts, in situations of +emergency. As the ship cleared the promontory on the eastern side of the cove, +we again opened a curvature of the ice, which gave a little more water to +leeward. Tacking was impossible, and the helm was put hard aweather. The bow of +the Walrus fell off, and as she rose on the next wave, I thought its send would +carry us helplessly down upon the berg. But the good craft, obedient to her +rudder, whirled round, as if sensible herself of the danger, and, in less time +than I had ever before known her to wear, we felt the wind on the other +quarter. Our cats and dogs bestirred themselves, for there was no one there, +Captain Noah Poke excepted, whose heart did not beat quick and hard. In much +less time than usual, the yards were braced up on the other tack, and the ship +was ploughing heavily against the sea, with her head to the westward. It is +impossible to give one who has never been in such a situation, a just idea of +the feverish impatience, the sinking and mounting of hope, as we watch the +crablike movement of a vessel that is clawing off a lee-shore, in a gale. In +the present case, it being well known that the sea was fathomless, we had run +so near the danger that not even the smallest of its horrors was veiled from +sight. +</p> + +<p> +While the ship labored along, I saw the clouds fast shutting in to windward, by +the interposition of the promontory of ice—the certain sign that our drift was +rapid—and, as we drew nearer to the point, breathing became labored and even +audible. Here Noah took a chew of tobacco, I presume on the principle of +enjoying a last quid, should the elements prove fatal; and then he went to the +wheel in person. +</p> + +<p> +“Let her go through the water,” he said, easing the helm a little—“let her jog +ahead, or we shall lose command of her in this devil’s-pot!” +</p> + +<p> +The vessel felt the slight change, and drew faster through the foaming brine, +bringing us, with increasing velocity, nearer to the dreaded point. As we came +up to the promontory the water fell back in spray on the decks, and there was +an instant when it appeared as if the wind was about to desert us. Happily the +ship had drawn so far ahead as to feel the good effects of a slight change of +current that was caused by the air rushing obliquely into the cove; and, as +Noah, by easing the helm still more, had anticipated this alteration, which had +been felt adversely but a moment before, while struggling to the eastward of +the promontory, we drew swiftly past the icy cape, opening the cove handsomely, +with the ship’s head falling off fast towards the gorge. +</p> + +<p> +There was but a minute or two, for squaring the yards and obtaining the proper +position to windward of the narrow strait. Instead of running down in a direct +line for the latter, Captain Poke kept the ship on such a course as to lay it +well open, before her head was pointed towards the passage. By this time, the +two bergs had drawn so near each other as actually to form an arch across its +mouth; and this, too, at a part so low as to render it questionable whether +there was sufficient elevation to permit the Walrus to pass beneath. But +retreat was impossible, the gale urging the ship furiously onwards. The width +of the passage was now but little more than a hundred feet, and it actually +required the nicest steerage to keep our yard-arms clear of the opposite +precipices, as the vessel dashed, with foaming bows, into the gorge. The wind +drew through the opening with tremendous violence, fairly howling as if in +delight at discovering a passage by which it might continue its furious career. +We may have been aided by the sucking of the wind and the waves, both of which +were irresistibly drawn towards the pass, or it is quite probable that the +skill of Captain Poke did us good service on this awful occasion; but, owing to +the one or the other, or to the two causes united, the Walrus shot into the +gorge so accurately as to avoid touching either of the lateral margins of the +ice. We were not so fortunate, however, with the loftier spars; for scarcely +was the vessel beneath the arch, when she lifted on a swell, and her +main-top-gallant-mast snapped off in the cap. The ice groaned and cracked over +our heads, and large fragments fell both ahead and astern of us, several of +them even tumbling upon our decks. One large piece came down within an inch of +the extremity of Dr. Reasono’s tail, just escaping the dire calamity of +knocking out the brains of that profound and philo-monikin philosopher. In +another instant the ship was through the pass, which completely closed, with +the crash of an earthquake, as soon as possible afterwards. +</p> + +<p> +Still driven by the gale, we ran rapidly towards the south, along a channel +less than a quarter of a mile in width, the bergs evidently closing on each +side of us, and the ship, as if conscious of her jeopardy, doing her utmost, +with Captain Poke still at the wheel. In a little more than an hour, the worst +was over—the Walrus issuing into an open basin of several leagues in extent, +which was, however, completely encircled by the frozen mountains. Here Noah +took a look at the pumpkin, after which he made no ceremony in plumply telling +Dr. Reasono that he had been greatly mistaken in laying down the position of +Captivity Island, as he himself had named the spot where the amiable strangers +had fallen into human hands. The philosopher was a little tenacious of his +opinion; but what is argument in the face of facts? Here was the pumpkin, and +there were the blue waters! The captain now quite frankly declared that he had +great doubts whether there was any such place as Leaphigh at all; and as the +ship had a capital position for such an object, he bluntly, though privately +proposed to me, that we should throw all the monikins overboard, project the +entire polar basin on his chart as being entirely free from islands, and then +go a-sealing. I rejected the propositions, firstly, as premature; secondly, as +inhuman; thirdly, as inhospitable; fourthly, as inconvenient; and lastly, as +impracticable. +</p> + +<p> +There might have arisen a disagreeable controversy between us on this point; +for Mr. Poke had begun to warm, and to swear that one good seal, of the true +quality of fur, was worth a hundred monkeys; when most happily the panther at +the masthead cried out that two of the largest mountains, to the southward of +us, were separating, and that he could discern a passage into another basin. +Hereupon Captain Poke concentrated his oaths, which he caused to explode like a +bomb, and instantly made sail again in the proper direction. By three o’clock, +P.M., we had run the gauntlet of the bergs a second time, and were at least a +degree nearer the pole, in the basin just alluded to. +</p> + +<p> +The mountains had now entirely disappeared in the southern board; but the sea +was covered, far as the eye could reach, with field-ice. Noah stood on, without +apprehension; for the water had been smooth ever since we entered the first +opening, the wind not having rake enough to knock up a swell. When about a mile +from the margin of the frozen and seemingly interminable plain, the ship was +brought to the wind, and hove-to. +</p> + +<p> +Ever since the vessel left the docks, there had been six sets of spars of a +form so singular, lying among the booms, that they had often been the subject +of conversation between the mates and myself, neither of the former being able +to tell their uses. These sticks were of no great length, some fifteen feet at +the most, of sound English oak. Two or three pairs were alike, for they were in +pairs, each pair having one of the sides of a shape resembling different parts +of the ship’s bottom, with the exception that they were chiefly concave, while +the bottom of a vessel is mainly convex. At one extremity each pair was firmly +connected by a short, massive, iron link, of about two feet in length; and, at +its opposite end, a large eye-bolt was driven into each stick, where it was +securely forelocked. When the Walrus was stationary, we learned, for the first +time, the uses of these unusual preparations. A pair of the timbers, which were +of great solidity and strength, were dropped over the stern, and, sinking +beneath the keel, their upper extremities were separated by means of lanyards +turned into the eye-bolts. The lanyards were then brought forward to the bilge +of the vessel, where, by the help of tackles, the timbers were rowsed up in +such a manner that the links came close to the false keel, and the timbers +themselves were laid snug against each side of the ship. As great care had been +taken, by means of marks on the vessel, as well as in forming the skids +themselves, the fit was perfect. No less than five pairs were secured in and +near the bilge, and as many more were distributed forwards and aft, according +to the shape of the bottom. Fore-and-aft pieces, that reached from one skid to +the other, were then placed between those about the bilge of the ship, each of +them having a certain number of short ribs, extending upwards and downwards. +These fore-and-aft pieces were laid along the waterline, their ends entering +the skids by means of mortices and tenons, where they were snugly bolted. The +result of the entire arrangement was, to give the vessel an exterior protection +against the field-ice, by means of a sort of network of timber, the whole of +which had been so accurately fitted in the dock, as to bear equally on her +frame. These preparations were not fairly completed before ten o’clock on the +following morning, when Noah stood directly for an opening in the ice before +us, which just about that time began to be apparent. +</p> + +<p> +“We sha’nt go so fast for our armor,” observed the cautious old sealer; “but +what we want in heels, we’ll make up in bottom.” +</p> + +<p> +For the whole of that day we worked our devious course, by great labor and at +uncertain intervals, to the southward; and at night we fastened the Walrus to a +floe, in waiting for the return of light. Just as the day dawned, however, I +heard a tremendous grating sound against the side of the vessel; and rushing on +deck, I found that we were completely caught between two immense fields, which +seemed to be attracted towards each other for no other apparent purpose than to +crush us. Here it was that the expedient of Captain Poke made manifest its +merits. Protected by the massive timbers and false ribs, the bilge of the ship +resisted the pressure; and as, under such circumstances, something must yield, +luckily nothing but the attraction of gravitation was overcome. The skids, +through their inclination, acted as wedges, the links pressing against the +keel; and in the course of an hour the Walrus was gradually lifted out of the +water, maintaining her upright position, in consequence of the powerful nip of +the floes. No sooner was this experiment handsomely effected, than Mr. Poke +jumped upon the ice, and commenced an examination of the ship’s bottom. +</p> + +<p> +“Here’s a dry-dock for you, Sir John!” exclaimed the old sealer, chuckling. +“I’ll have a patent for this, the moment I put foot ag’in in Stunin’tun.” +</p> + +<p> +A feeling of security, to which I had been a stranger ever since we entered the +ice, was created by the composure of Noah, and by his self-congratulation at +what he called his project to get a look at the Walrus’s bottom. +Notwithstanding all the fine declarations of exultation and success, however, +that he flourished among us who were not mariners, I was much disposed to think +that, like other men of extraordinary genius, he had blundered on the grand +result of his “ice-screws,” and that it was not foreseen and calculated. Let +this be as it may, however, all hands were soon on the floe, with brooms, +scrapers, hammers, and nails, and the opportunity of repairing and cleaning was +thoroughly improved. +</p> + +<p> +For four-and-twenty hours the ship remained in the same attitude, still as a +church, and some of us began to entertain apprehensions that she might be kept +on her frozen blocks forever. The accident had happened, according to the +statements of Captain Poke, in lat. 78 degrees 13′ 26″—although I +never knew in what manner he ascertained the important particular of our +precise situation. Thinking it might be well to get some more accurate ideas on +this subject, after so long and ticklish a run, I procured the quadrant from +Bob Ape, and brought it down upon the ice, where I made it a point, as an +especial favor, the weather being favorable and the proper hour near, that our +commander would correct his instinct by a solar observation. Noah protested +that your old seaman, especially if a sealer and a Stunin’tunner, had no +occasion for such geometry operations, as he termed them; that it might be well +enough, perhaps necessary, for your counting-house, silk-gloved captains, who +run between New York and Liverpool, to be rubbing up their glasses and +polishing their sextants, for they hardly ever knew where they were, except at +such times; but as for himself, he had little need of turning star-gazer at his +time of life, and that as he had already told me, he was getting to be +near-sighted, and had some doubts whether he could discern an object like the +sun, that was known to be so many thousands of millions of miles from the +earth. These scruples, however, were overcome by my cleaning the glasses, +preparing a barrel for him to stand on, that he might be at the customary +elevation above his horizon, and putting the instrument into his hands, the +mates standing near, ready to make the calculations when he gave the sun’s +declination. +</p> + +<p> +“We are drifting south’ard, I know,” said Mr. Poke before he commenced his +sight—“I feel it in my bones. We are at this moment in 79 degrees 36′ +14″.—having made a southerly drift of more than eighty miles since +yesterday noon. Now mind my words, and see what the sun will say about it.” +</p> + +<p> +When the calculations were made, our latitude was found to be 79 degrees +35′ 47″. Noah was somewhat puzzled by the difference, for which +he could in no plausible way account, as the observation had been unusually +good and certain. But an opinionated and an ingenious man is seldom at a loss +to find a sufficient reason to establish his own correctness, or to prove the +mistakes of others. +</p> + +<p> +“Ay, I see how it is,” he said, after a little cogitation, “the sun must be +wrong—it should be no wonder if the sun did get a little out of his track in +these high, cold latitudes. Yes, yes; the sun must be wrong.” +</p> + +<p> +I was too much delighted at being certain we were going on our course to +dispute the point, and the great luminary was abandoned to the imputation of +sometimes being in error. Dr. Reasono took occasion to say, in my private ear, +that there was a sect of philosophers in Leaphigh, who had long distrusted the +accuracy of the planetary system, and who had even thrown out hints that the +earth, In its annual revolution, moved in a direction absolutely contrary to +that which nature had contemplated when she gave the original polar impulse; +but that, as regarded himself, he thought very little of these opinions, as he +had frequent occasion to observe that there was a large class of monikins whose +ideas always went uphill. +</p> + +<p> +For two more days and as many nights, we continued to drift with the floes to +the southward, or as near as might be, towards the haven of our wishes. On the +fourth morning, there was a suitable change in the weather; both thermometer +and barometer rose; the air became more bland, and most of our cats and dogs, +notwithstanding we were still surrounded by the ice, began to cast their skins. +Dr. Reasono noted these signs, and stepping on the floe, he brought back with +him a considerable fragment of the frozen element. This was carried to the +camboose, where it was subjected to the action of fire, which, within a given +number of minutes, pretty much as a matter of course, as I thought, caused it +to melt. The whole process was watched with an anxiety the most intense, by the +whole of the monikins, however; and when the result was announced, the amiable +and lovely Chatterissa clapped her pretty little pattes with joy, and gave all +the other natural indications of delight, which characterize the emotions of +that gentle sex of which she was so bright an ornament. Dr. Reasono was not +backwards in explaining the cause of so much unusual exhilaration, for hitherto +her manner had been characterized by the well-bred and sophisticated restraint +which marks high training. The experiment had shown, by the infallible and +scientific tests of monikin chemistry, that we were now within the influence of +a steam-climate, and there could no longer be any rational doubt of our +eventual arrival in the polar basin. +</p> + +<p> +The result proved that the philosopher was right. About noon the floes, which +all that day had begun to assume what is termed a “sloppy character,” suddenly +gave way, and the Walrus settled down into her proper element, with great +equanimity and propriety. Captain Poke lost no time in unshipping the skids; +and a smacking breeze, that was well saturated with steam, springing up from +the westward, we made sail. Our course was due south, without regard to the +ice, which yielded before our bows like so much thick water, and just as the +sun set, we entered the open sea, rioting in the luxuriance of its genial +climate, in triumph. +</p> + +<p> +Sail was carried on the ship all that night; and just as the day dawned, we +made the first mile-stone, a proof, not to be mistaken, that we were now +actually within the monikin region. Dr. Reasono had the goodness to explain to +us the history of these aquatic phenomena. It would seem that when the earth +exploded, its entire crust, throughout the whole of this part of the world, was +started upwards in such a way as to give a very uniform depth to the sea, which +in no place exceeds four fathoms. It follows, as a consequence, that no +prevalence of northerly winds can force the icebergs beyond 78 degrees of south +latitude, as they invariably ground on reaching the outer edge of the polar +bank. The floes, being thin, are melted of course; and thus, by this beneficent +prevention, the monikin world is kept entirely free from the very danger to +which a vulgar mind would be the most apt to believe it is the most exposed. +</p> + +<p> +A congress of nations had been held, about five centuries since, which was +called the Holy-philo-marine-safety-and-find-the-way Alliance. At this congress +the high contracting parties agreed to name a commission to make provision, +generally, for the secure navigation of the seas. One of the expedients of this +commission, which, by the way, is said to have been composed of very +illustrious monikins, was to cause massive blocks of stone to be laid down, at +measured distances, throughout the whole of the basin, and in which other stone +uprights were secured. The necessary inscriptions were graved on proper +tablets, and as we approached the one already named, I observed that it had the +image of a monikin, carved also in stone, with his tail extended in a right +line, pointing, as Mr. Poke assured me, S. and by W. half W. I had made +sufficient progress in the monikin language to read, as we glided past this +watermark—“To Leaphigh,—15 miles.” One monikin mile, however, we were next +told, was equal to nine English statute miles; and, consequently, we were not +so near our port as was at first supposed. I expressed great satisfaction at +finding ourselves so fairly on the road, however, and paid Dr. Reasono some +well-merited compliments on the high state of civilization to which his species +had evidently arrived. The day was not distant, I added, when it was reasonable +to suppose, our own seas would have floating restaurants and cafes, with +suitable pot-houses for the mariners; though I did not well see how we were to +provide a substitute for their own excellent organization of mile-stones. The +Doctor received my compliments with becoming modesty, saying that he had no +doubt mankind would do all that lay in their power to have good eating and +drinking-houses, whereever they could be established; but as to the marine +milestones, he agreed with me, that there was little hope of their being +planted, until the crust of the earth should be driven upwards, so as to rise +within four fathoms of the surface of the water. On the other hand, Captain +Poke held this latter improvement very cheap. He affirmed it was no sign of +civilization at all, for, as a man became civilized, he had less need of +primers and finger-boards; and, as for Leaphigh, any tolerable navigator could +see it bore S. by W. half W. allowing for variation, distant 135 English miles. +To these objections I was silent, for I had frequent occasion to observe that +men very often underrate any advantage of which they have come into the +enjoyment by a providential interposition. +</p> + +<p> +Just as the sun was in the meridian, the cry of “land ahead” was heard from +aloft. The monikins were all smiles and gratitude; the crew were excited by +admiration and wonder; and as for myself, I was literally ready to jump out of +my skin, not only with delight, but, in some measure also, from the exceeding +warmth of the atmosphere. Our cats and dogs began to uncase; Bob was obliged to +unmask his most exposed frontier, by removing the union-jack; and Noah himself +fairly appeared on deck in his shirt and night-cap. The amiable strangers were +too much occupied to be particular, and I slipped into my state-room to change +my toilet to a dress of thin silk, that was painted to resemble the skin of a +polar bear—a contradiction between things that is much too common in our +species ever to be deemed out of fashion. +</p> + +<p> +We neared the land with great rapidity, impelled by a steam-breeze, and just as +the sun sank in the horizon our anchor was let go, in the outer harbor of the +city of Aggregation. +</p> + +</div><!--end chapter--> + +<div class="chapter"> + +<h2><a name="link2HCH0015"></a> +CHAPTER XV.<br/> +AN ARRIVAL—FORMS OF RECEPTION—SEVERAL NEW CHRISTENINGS—AN OFFICIAL DOCUMENT, +ND TERRA FIRMA.</h2> + +<p> +It is always agreeable to arrive safe, at the end of a long, fatiguing, and +hazardous journey. But the pleasure is considerably augmented when the visit is +paid to a novel region, with a steam-climate, and which is peopled by a new +species. My own satisfaction, too was coupled with the reflection that I had +been of real service to four very interesting and well-bred strangers, who had +been cast, by an adverse fortune, into the hands of humanity, and who owed to +me a boon far more precious than life itself—a restoration to their natural and +acquired rights, their proper stations in society, and sacred liberty! The +reader will judge, therefore, with what inward self-congratulation I now +received the acknowledgments of the whole monikin party, and listened to their +most solemn protestations ever to consider, not only all they might jointly and +severally possess in the way of estates and dignities, at my entire disposal, +but their persons as my slaves. Of course, I made as light as possible of any +little service I might have done them, protesting in my turn, that I looked +upon the whole affair more in the light of a party of pleasure than a tax, +reminding them that I had not only obtained an insight into a new philosophy, +but that I was already, thanks to the decimal system, a tolerable proficient in +their ancient and learned language. These civilities were scarcely well over, +before we were boarded by the boat of the port-captain. +</p> + +<p> +The arrival of a human ship was an event likely to create excitement in a +monikin country; and as our approach had been witnessed for several hours, +preparations had been made to give us a proper reception. The section of the +academy to whom is committed the custody of the “Science of Indications,” was +hastily assembled by order of the king, who, by the way, never speaks except +through the mouth of his oldest male first cousin, who, by the fundamental laws +of the realm, is held responsible for all his official acts (in private, the +king is allowed almost as many privileges as any other monikin), and who, as is +due to him in simple justice, is permitted to exercise, in a public point of +view, the functions of the eyes, ears, nose, conscience, and tail of the +monarch. The savans were active, and as they proceeded with method, and on +well-established principles, their report was quickly made. It contained, as we +afterwards understood, seven sheets of premises, eleven of argument, sixteen of +conjecture, and two lines of deduction. This heavy draft on the monikin +intellect was duly achieved by dividing the work into as many parts as there +were members of the section present, viz., forty. The substance of their labors +was, to say that the vessel in sight was a strange vessel; that it came to a +strange country, on a strange errand, being manned by strangers; and that its +objects were more likely to be peaceful than warlike, since the glasses of the +academy did not enable them to discover any means of annoyance, with the +exception of certain wild beasts, who appeared, however, to be peaceably +occupied in working the ship. All this was sententiously expressed in the +purest monikin language. The effect of the report was, to cause all hostile +preparations to be abandoned. +</p> + +<p> +No sooner did the boat of the port-captain return to the shore with the news +that the strange ship had arrived with my Lord Chatterino, my Lady Chatterissa +and Dr. Reasono than there was a general burst of joy along the strand. In a +very short time the king—alias his eldest first cousin of the male +gender—ordered the usual compliments to be paid to his distinguished subjects. +A deputation of young lords the hopes of Leaphigh came off to receive their +colleague; whilst a bevy of beautiful maidens of noble birth crowded around the +smiling and graceful Chatterissa, gladdening her heart with their caressing +manners and felicitations. The noble pair left us in separate boats, each +attended by an appropriate escort. We overlooked the little neglect of +forgetting to take leave of us, for joy had quite set them both beside +themselves. Next came a long procession composed of high numbers, all of the +“brown-study color.” These learned and dignified persons were a deputation from +the academy, which had sent forth no less than forty of its number to receive +Dr. Reasono. The meeting between these loving friends of monikinity and of +knowledge, was conducted on the most approved principles of reason. Each +section (there are forty in the academy of Leaphigh) made an address, to all of +which the Doctor returned suitable replies, always using exactly the same +sentiments, but varying the subject by transpositions, as dictionaries are +known to be composed by the ingenious combinations of the twenty-six letters of +the alphabet. Dr. Reasono withdrew with his coadjutors, to my surprise paying +not a whit more attention to Captain Poke and myself, than would be paid in any +highly-civilized country of Christendom, on a similar occasion, by a collection +of the learned, to the accidental presence of two monkeys. I thought this +augured badly, and began to feel as became Sir John Goldencalf, Bart., of +Householder Hall, in the kingdom of Great Britain, when my sensations were +nipped in the bud by the arrival of the officers of registration and +circulation. It was the duty of the latter to give us the proper passports to +enter into and to circulate within the country, after the former had properly +enregistered our numbers and colors, in such a way as to bring us within the +reach of taxation. The officer of registration was very expeditious from long +practice. He decided, at once, that I formed a new class by myself; of which, +of course, I was No. 1. The captain and his two mates formed another, Nos. 1, +2, and 3. Bob had a class also to himself, and the honors of No. 1; and the +crew formed a fresh class, being numbered according to height, as the register +deemed their merits to be altogether physical. Next came the important point of +color, on which depended the quality of the class or caste, the numbers merely +indicating our respective stations in the particular divisions. After a good +deal of deliberation, and many interrogatories, I was enregistered as No. 1, +flesh-color. Noah as No. 1, sea-water color, and his mates 2 and 3, +accordingly. Bob as No. 1, smut-color, and the crew as Nos. 1, 2, 3, etc., +tar-color. The officer now called upon an assistant to come forth with a sort +of knitting-needle heated red-hot, in order to affix the official stamp to each +in succession. Luckily for us all, Noah happened to be the first to whom the +agent of the stamp-office applied, to uncase and to prepare for the operation. +The result was one of those bursts of eloquent and logical vituperation, and of +remonstrating outcries, to which any new personal exaction never failed to give +birth in the sealer. His discourse on this occasion might be divided into the +several following heads, all of which were very ingeniously embellished by the +usual expletives and imagery:—“He was not a beast to be branded like a horse, +nor a slave to be treated like a Congo nigger; he saw no use in applying the +marks to men, who were sufficiently distinguished from monkeys already; Sir +John had a handle before his name, and if he liked it, he might carry his name +behind his body, by way of counterpoise, but for his part, he wanted no +outriggers of the sort, being satisfied with plain Noah Poke; he was a +republican, and it was anti-republican for a man to carry about with him graven +images; he thought it might be even flying in the face of the Scriptures, or +what was worse, turning his back on them; he said that the Walrus had her name, +in good legible characters on her starn, and that might answer for both of +them; he protested, d—n his eyes, that he wouldn’t be branded like a thief; he +incontinently wished the keeper of the privy seal to the d—-l; he insisted +there was no use in the practice, unless one threw all aback, and went starn +foremost into society, a rudeness at which human natur’ revolted; he knew a man +in Stunin’tun who had five names, and he should like to know what they would do +with him, if this practice should come into fashion there; he had no objection +to a little paint, but no red-hot knitting-needle should make acquaintance with +his flesh, so long as he walked his quarter-deck.” +</p> + +<p> +The keeper of the seals listened to this remonstrance with singular patience +and decorum; a forbearance that was probably owing to his not understanding a +word that had been said. But there is a language that is universal, and it is +not less easy to comprehend when a man is in a passion, than it is to +comprehend any other irritated animal. The officer of the registration +department, on this hint, politely inquired of me, if some part of his official +duties were not particularly disagreeable to No. 1, sea-water color. On my +admitting that the captain was reluctant to be branded, he merely shrugged his +shoulders, and observed that the exactions of the public were seldom agreeable, +but that duty was duty, that the stamp act was peremptory, and not a foot of +ours could touch Leaphigh until we were all checked off in this manner, in +exact conformity with the registration. I was much puzzled what to do, by this +indomitable purpose to perform his duty in the officer; for, to own the truth, +my own cuticle had quite as much aversion to the operation, as of Captain Poke +himself. It was not the principle so much as the novelty of its application +which distressed me; for I had travelled too much not to know that a stranger +rarely enters a civilized country without being more or less skinned, the +merest savages only permitting him to pass unscathed. It suddenly came to my +recollection that the monikins had left all the remains of their particular +stores on board, consisting of an ample supply of delicious nuts. Sending for a +bag of the best of them, I ordered it to be put into the register’s boat, +informing him at the same time, that I was conscious they were quite unworthy +of him, but that I hoped, such as they were, he would allow me to make an +offering of them to his wife. This attention was properly felt and received; +and a few minutes afterwards, a certificate in the following words was put into +my hands, viz.: +</p> + +<p> +“Leaphigh, season of promise, day of performance: Whereas, certain persons of +the human species have lately presented themselves to be enregistered, +according to the statute ‘for the promotion of order and classification, and +for the collection of contributions’; and whereas, these persons are yet in the +second class of the animal probation, and are more subject to bodily +impressions than the higher, or monikin species: Now, know all monikins, etc., +that they are stamped in paint, and that only by their numbers; each class +among them being easily to be distinguished from the others, by outward and +indelible proofs. +</p> + +<p> +“Signed, +</p> + +<p> +“No. 8,020 office-color.” +</p> + +<p> +I was told that all we had to do now was to mark ourselves with paint or tar, +as we might choose, the latter being recommended for the crew; taking no +further trouble than to number ourselves; and when we went ashore, if any of +the gens-d’armes inquired why we had not the legal impression on our persons, +which quite possibly would be the case, as the law was absolute in its +requisitions, all we had to do was to show the certificate; but if the +certificate was not sufficient, we were men of the world, and understood the +nature of things so well, that we did not require to be taught so simple a +proposition in philosophy, as that which says, “like causes produce like +effects”; and he presumed I could not have so far overrated his merits, as to +have sent the whole of my nuts into his boat. I avow that I was not very sorry +to hear the officer throw out these hints, for they convinced me that my +journey through Leaphigh would be accompanied with less embarrassment than I +had anticipated, since I now plainly perceived that monikins act on principles +that are not very essentially different from those of the human race in +general. +</p> + +<p> +The complaisant register and the keeper of the privy seal took their departure +together, when we forthwith proceeded to number ourselves in compliance with +his advice. As the principle was already settled, we had no difficulty with its +application, Noah, Bob, myself, and the largest of the seamen being all Nos. 1, +and the rest ranking in order. By this time it was night. The guard-boats began +to appear on the water, and we deferred disembarking until morning. +</p> + +<p> +All hands were early afoot. It had been arranged that Captain Poke and myself, +attended by Bob, as a domestic, were to land, in order to make a journey +through the island, while the Walrus was to be left in charge of the mates and +the crew; the latter having permission to go ashore, from time to time, as is +the practice with all seamen in port. There was a great deal of preliminary +scrubbing and shaving, before the whole party could appear on deck, properly +attired for the occasion. Mr. Poke wore a thin dress of linen, admirably +designed to make him look like a sea-lion; a conceit that he said was not only +agreeable to his feelings and habits, but which had a cool and pleasant +character that was altogether suited to a steam-climate. For my own part, I +agreed with the worthy sealer, seeing but little difference between his going +in this garb, and his going quite naked. My dress was made, on a design of my +own, after the social-stake system; or, in other words, it was so arranged as +to take an interest in half of the animals of Exeter Change, to which MENAGERIE +the artist by whom it had been painted was sent expressly, in order to consult +nature. Bob wore the effigy, as his master called it, of a turnspit. +</p> + +<p> +The monikins were by far too polished to crowd about us when we landed, with an +impertinent and troublesome curiosity. So far from this, we were permitted to +approach the capital itself without let or hindrance. As it is less my +intention to describe physical things than to dwell upon the philosophy and the +other moral aspects of the Leaphigh world, little more will be said of their +houses, domestic economy, and other improvements in the arts, than may be +gathered incidentally, as the narrative shall proceed. Let it suffice to say on +these heads, that the Leaphigh monikins, like men, consult, or think they +consult—which, so long as they know no better, amounts to pretty much the same +thing—their own convenience in all things, the pocket alone excepted; and that +they continue very laudably to do as their fathers did before them, seldom +making changes, unless they may happen to possess the recommendation of being +exotics; when, indeed, they are sometimes adopted, probably on account of their +possessing the merit of having been proved suitable to another state of things. +</p> + +<p> +Among the first persons we met, on entering the great square of Aggregation, as +the capital of Leaphigh is called when rendered into English, was my Lord +Chatterino. He was gayly promenading with a company of young nobles, who all +seemed to be enjoying their youth, health, rank, and privileges with infinite +gusto. We met this party in a way to render an escape from mutual recognition +impossible. At first I thought, from his averted eye, that it was the intention +of our late shipmate to consider our knowledge of each other as one of those +accidental acquaintances which, it is known, we all form at watering-places, on +journeys, or in the country, and which it is ill-mannered to press upon others +in town; or, as Captain Poke afterwards expressed it, like the intimacy between +an Englishman and a Yankee, that has been formed in the house of the latter, on +better wine than is met with anywhere else, and which was never yet known to +withstand the influence of a British fog. “Why, Sir John,” the sealer added, “I +once tuck (he meant to say TOOK, not TUCKED) a countryman of yours under my +wing, at Stunin’tun, during the last war. He was a prisoner, as we make +prisoners; that is, he went and did pretty much as he pleased; and the fellow +had the best of everything—molasses that a spoon would stand up in, pork that +would do to slush down a topmast, and New England rum, that a king might set +down to, but could not get up from—well, what was the end on’t? Why, as sure as +we are among these monkeys, the fellow BOOKED me. Had I BOOKED but the half of +what he guzzled, the amount, I do believe, would have taken the transaction out +of any justice’s court in the state. He said my molasses was meagre, the pork +lean, and the liquor infernal. There were truth and gratitude for you! He gave +the whul account, too, as a specimen of what he called American living!” +</p> + +<p> +Hereupon I reminded my companion, that an Englishman did not like to receive +even favors on compulsion; that when he meets a stranger in his own country, +and is master of his own actions, no man understands better what true +hospitality is, as I hoped one day to show him, at Householder Hall; as to his +first remark, he ought to remember that an Englishman considered America as no +more than the country, and that it would be ill-mannered to press an +acquaintance made there. +</p> + +<p> +Noah, like most other men, was very reasonable on all subjects that did not +interfere with his prejudices or his opinions; and he very readily admitted the +general justice of my reply. +</p> + +<p> +“It’s pretty much as you say, Sir John,” he continued; “in England you may +press men, but it won’t do to press hospitality. Get a volunteer in this way, +and he is as good a fellow as heart can wish. I shouldn’t have cared so much +about the chap’s book, if he had said nothin’ ag’in the rum. Why, Sir John, +when the English bombarded Stunin’tun with eighteen pounders, I proposed to +load our old twelve with a gallon out of the very same cask, for I do think it +would have huv’ the shot the best part of a mile!” +</p> + +<p> +—But this digression is leading me from the narrative. My Lord Chatterino +turned his head a little on one side as we were passing, and I was deliberating +whether, under the circumstances, it would be well-bred to remind him of our +old acquaintance, when the question was settled by the decision of Captain +Poke, who placed himself in such a position that it was no easy matter to get +round him, through him, or over him—or who laid himself what he called “athwart +hawse.” +</p> + +<p> +“Good morning, my lord,” said the straightforward seaman, who generally went at +a subject as he went at a seal. “A fine warm day; and the smell of the land, +after so long a passage, is quite agreeable to the nose, whatever its ups and +downs may be to the legs.” +</p> + +<p> +The companions of the young peer looked amazed; and some of them, I thought, +notwithstanding gravity and earnestness are rather characteristic of the +monikin physiognomy, betrayed a slight disposition to laugh. Not so with my +Lord Chatterino himself. +</p> + +<p> +He examined us a moment through a glass, and then seemed suddenly, and on the +whole, agreeably struck at seeing us. +</p> + +<p> +“How, Goldencalf!” he cried in surprise, “you in Leaphigh! This is indeed an +unexpected satisfaction; for it will now be in my power to prove some of the +facts that I am telling my friends, by actual observation. Here are two of the +humans, gents, of whom I was but this moment giving you some account—” +</p> + +<p> +Observing a disposition to merriment in his associates, he continued, looking +exceedingly grave:— +</p> + +<p> +“Restrain yourselves, gentlemen, I pray you. These are very worthy people, I do +assure you, in their own way, and are not at all to be ridiculed. I scarcely +know, even in our own marine, a better or a bolder navigator than this honest +seaman; and as for the one in the parti-colored skin, I will take upon myself +to say, that he is really a person of some consideration in his own little +circle. He is, I believe, a member of par—par—par—am I right, Sir John?—a +member of—” +</p> + +<p> +“Parliament, my lord—an M.P.” +</p> + +<p> +“Ay—I thought I had it—an M.P., or a member of Parliament, in his own country, +which, I dare say now, is some such thing among his people, as a public +proclaimer of those laws which come from his majesty’s eldest first cousin of +the masculine gender, may be among us. Some such thing—eh—now—eh—is it not, Sir +John?” +</p> + +<p> +“I dare say it is, my lord.” +</p> + +<p> +“All very true, Chatterino,” put in one of the young monikins, with a very +long, elaborated tail, which he carried nearly perpendicular—“but what would be +even a lawmaker—to say nothing of law-BREAKERS like ourselves—among men! You +should remember, my dear fellow, that a mere title, or a profession, is not the +criterion of true greatness; but that the prodigy of a village may be a very +common monikin in town.” +</p> + +<p> +“Poh-poh”—interrupted Lord Chatterino, “thou art ever for refining, +Hightail—Sir John Goldencalf is a very respectable person in the island +of—a—a—a—what do you call that said island of yours, Goldencalf?—a—a—” +</p> + +<p> +“Great Britain, my lord.” +</p> + +<p> +“Ay, Great Breeches sure enough; yet, he is a respectable person—I can take it +upon myself to say, with confidence, a very respectable person in Great +Breeches. I dare say he owns no small portion of the island himself. How much, +now, Sir John, if the truth were told?” +</p> + +<p> +“Only the estate and village of Householder, my lord, with a few scattered +manors here and there.” +</p> + +<p> +“Well, that is a very pretty thing, there can be no doubt—then you have money +at use?” +</p> + +<p> +“And who is the debtor?” sneeringly inquired the jack-a-napes Hightail. +</p> + +<p> +“No other, my Lord Hightail, than the realm of Great Britain.” +</p> + +<p> +“Exquisite, that, egad! A noble’s fortune in the custody of the realm of +a—Greek—a—” +</p> + +<p> +“Great Breeches,” interrupted my Lord Chatterino, who, notwithstanding he swore +he was excessively angry with his friend for his obstinate incredulity, very +evidently had to exercise some forbearance to keep from joining in the general +laugh. “It is a very respectable country, I do protest; and I scarcely remember +to have tasted better gooseberries than they grow in that very island.” +</p> + +<p> +“What! have they really gardens, Chatterino?” +</p> + +<p> +“Certainly—after a fashion—and houses, and public conveyances—and even +universities.” +</p> + +<p> +“You do not mean to say, certainly, that they have a system!” +</p> + +<p> +“Why, as to system, I believe they are a little at sixes and sevens. I really +can’t take it upon myself to say that they have a system.” +</p> + +<p> +“Oh, yes, my lord—of a certainty we have one—the social stake system.” +</p> + +<p> +“Ask the creature,” whispered audibly the filthy coxcomb Hightail, “if he +himself, now, has any income.” +</p> + +<p> +“How is it, Sir John—have you an income?” +</p> + +<p> +“Yes, my lord, of one hundred and twelve thousand sovereigns a year.” +</p> + +<p> +“Of what?—of what?” demanded two or three voices, with well-bred, subdued +eagerness. +</p> + +<p> +“Of sovereigns—why that means kings!” +</p> + +<p> +It would appear that the Leaphighers, while they obey only the king’s eldest +first cousin of the masculine gender, perform all their official acts in the +name of the sovereign himself, for whose person and character they pretty +uniformly express the profoundest veneration; just as we men express admiration +for a virtue that we never practise. My declaration, therefore, produced a +strong sensation, and I was soon required to explain myself. This I did, by +simply stating the truth. +</p> + +<p> +“Oh, gold, yclept sovereigns!” exclaimed three or four, laughing heartily. “Why +then, your famous Great Breeches people, after all, Chatterino, are so little +advanced in civilization as to use gold! Harkee, Signior—a—a—Boldercraft, have +you no currency in ‘promises’?” +</p> + +<p> +“I do not know, sir, that I rightly comprehend the question.” +</p> + +<p> +“Why, we poor barbarians, sir, who live as you see us, only in a state of +simplicity and nature,”—there was irony in every syllable the impudent +scoundrel uttered—“we poor wretches, or rather our ancestors, made the +discovery, that for the purposes of convenience, having, as you perceive, no +pockets, it might be well to convert all our currency into ‘promises.’ Now, I +would ask if you have any of that coin?” +</p> + +<p> +“Not as coin, sir, but as collateral to coin, we have plenty.” +</p> + +<p> +“He speaks of collaterals in currency, as if he were discussing a pedigree! Are +you really, Mynherr Shouldercalf, so little advanced in your country, as not to +know the immense advantages of a currency of ‘promises’?” +</p> + +<p> +“As I do not understand exactly what the nature of this currency is, sir, I +cannot answer as readily as I could wish.” +</p> + +<p> +“Let us explain it to him; for, I vow, I am really curious to hear his answer. +Chatterino, do you, who have some knowledge of the thing’s habits, be our +interpreter.” +</p> + +<p> +“The matter is thus, Sir John. About five hundred years ago, our ancestors, +having reached that pass in civilization when they came to dispense with the +use of pockets, began to find it necessary to substitute a new currency for +that of the metals, which it was inconvenient to carry, of which they might be +robbed, and which also was liable to be counterfeited. The first expedient was +to try a lighter substitute. Laws were passed giving value to linen and cotton, +in the raw material; then compounded and manufactured; next, written on, and +reduced in bulk, until, having passed through the several gradations of +wrapping-paper, brown-paper, foolscap and blotting-paper, and having set the +plan fairly at work, and got confidence thoroughly established, the system was +perfected by a coup de main,—‘promises’ in words were substituted for all other +coin. You see the advantage at a glance. A monikin can travel without pockets +or baggage, and still carry a million; the money cannot be counterfeited, nor +can it be stolen or burned.” +</p> + +<p> +“But, my lord, does it not depreciate the value of property?” +</p> + +<p> +“Just the contrary;—an acre that formerly could be bought for one promise, +would now bring a thousand.” +</p> + +<p> +“This, certainly, is a great improvement, unless frequent failures—” +</p> + +<p> +“Not at all; there has not been a bankruptcy in Leaphigh since the law was +passed making promises a legal tender.” +</p> + +<p> +“I wonder no chancellor of the exchequer ever thought of this, at home!” +</p> + +<p> +“So much for your Great Breeches, Chatterino!” And then there was another and a +very general laugh. I never before felt so deep a sense of national humility. +</p> + +<p> +“As they have universities,” cried another coxcomb, “perhaps this person has +attended one of them.” +</p> + +<p> +“Indeed, sir,” I answered, “I am regularly graduated.” +</p> + +<p> +“It is not easy to see what he has done with his knowledge—for, though my sight +is none of the worst, I cannot trace the smallest sign of a cauda about him.” +</p> + +<p> +“Ah!” Lord Chatterino good-naturedly exclaimed, “the inhabitants of Great +Breeches carry their brains in their heads.” +</p> + +<p> +“Their heads!” +</p> + +<p> +“Heads!” +</p> + +<p> +“That’s excellent, by his majesty’s prerogative! Here’s civilization, with a +vengeance!” +</p> + +<p> +I now thought that the general ridicule would overwhelm me. Two or three came +closer, as if in pity or curiosity; and, at last, one cried out that I actually +wore clothes. +</p> + +<p> +“Clothes—the wretch! Chatterino, do all your human friends wear clothes?” +</p> + +<p> +The young peer was obliged to confess the truth; and then there arose such a +clamor as may be fancied took place among the peacocks, when they discovered +the daw among them in masquerade. Human nature could endure no more; and bowing +to the company, I wished Lord Chatterino, very hurriedly, good-morning, and +proceeded towards the tavern. +</p> + +<p> +“Don’t forget to step into Chatterino House, Goldencalf, before you sail,” +cried my late fellow-traveller, looking over his shoulder, and nodding in quite +a friendly way towards me. +</p> + +<p> +“King!” exclaimed Captain Poke. “That blackguard ate a whole bread-locker-full +of nuts on our outward passage, and now he tells us to step into his Chatterino +House, before we sail!” +</p> + +<p> +I endeavored to pacify the sealer, by an appeal to his philosophy. It was true +that men never forgot obligations, and were always excessively anxious to repay +them; but the monikins were an exceedingly instructed species; they thought +more of their minds than of their bodies, as was plain by comparing the +smallness of the latter with the length and development of the seat of reason; +and one of his experience should know that good-breeding is decidedly an +arbitrary quality, and that we ought to respect its laws, however opposed to +our own previous practices. +</p> + +<p> +“I dare say, friend Noah, you may have observed some material difference in the +usages of Paris, for instance, and those of Stunin’tun.” +</p> + +<p> +“That I have, Sir John, that I have; and altogether to the advantage of +Stunin’tun be they.” +</p> + +<p> +“We are all addicted to the weakness of believing our own customs best; and it +requires that we should travel much, before we are able to decide on points so +nice.” +</p> + +<p> +“And do you not call me a traveller! Haven’t I been sixteen times a-sealing, +twice a-whaling, without counting my cruise overland, and this last run to +Leaphigh!” +</p> + +<p> +“Ay, you have gone over much land and much water, Mr. Poke; but your stay in +any given place has been just long enough to find fault. Usages must be worn, +like a shoe, before one can judge of the fit.” +</p> + +<p> +It is possible Noah would have retorted, had not Mrs. Vigilance Lynx, at that +moment, come wriggling by, in a way to show she was much satisfied with her +safe return home. To own the truth, while striving to find apologies for it, I +had been a little contraire, as the French term it, by the indifference of my +Lord Chatterino, which, in my secret heart, I was not slow in attributing to +the manner in which a peer of the realm of Leaphigh regarded, de haut en bas, a +mere baronet of Great Britain—or Great Breeches, as the young noble so +pertinaciously insisted on terming our illustrious island. Now as Mrs. +Vigilance was of “russet-color,” a caste of an inferior standing, I had little +doubt that she would be as glad to own an intimacy with Sir John Goldencalf of +Householder Hall, as the other might be willing to shuffle it off. +</p> + +<p> +“Good-morrow, good Mrs. Vigilance,” I said familiarly, endeavoring to wriggle +in a way that WOULD have shaken a tail, had it been my good fortune to be the +owner of one—“Good-morrow, good Mrs. Vigilance—I’m glad to meet you again on +shore.” +</p> + +<p> +I do not remember that Mrs. Vigilance, during the whole period of our +acquaintance, was particularly squeamish, or topping in her deportment. On the +contrary, she had rather made herself remarkable for a modest and commendable +reserve. But on the present occasion, she disappointed all reasonable +expectation, by shrinking on one side, uttering a slight scream, and hurrying +past as if she thought we might bite her. Indeed, I can only compare her +deportment to that of a female of our own, who is so full of vanity as to fancy +all eyes on her, and who gives herself airs about a dog or a spider, because +she thinks they make her look so much the more interesting. Conversation was +quite out of the question; for the duenna hurried on, bending her head +downwards, as if heartily ashamed of an involuntary weakness. +</p> + +<p> +“Well, good madam,” said Noah, whose stern eye followed her movements until she +was quite lost in the crowd, “you would have had a sleepless v’yage, if I had +foreimagined this! Sir John, these people stare at us as if we were wild +beasts!” +</p> + +<p> +“I cannot say I am of your way of thinking, Captain Poke. To me they seem to +take no more notice of us, than we should take of two curs in the streets of +London.” +</p> + +<p> +“I begin now to understand what the parsons mean when they talk of the lost +condition of man. It’s ra’ally awful to witness to what a state of +unfeelingness a people can be abandoned! Bob, get out of the way, you grinning +blackguard.” +</p> + +<p> +Hereupon Bob received a salutation which would have demolished his stern-frame, +had it not been for the unionjack. Just then I was glad to see Dr. Reasono +advancing towards us, surrounded by a group of attentive listeners, all of +whom, by their years, gravity, and deportment, I made no question were savants. +As he drew near, I found he was discoursing of the marvels of his late voyage. +When within six feet of us the whole party stopped, the Doctor continuing to +descant with a very proper gesticulation, and in a way to show that his subject +was of infinite interest to his listeners. Accidentally turning his eye in our +direction, he caught a glimpse of our figures, and making a few hurried +apologies to those around him, the excellent philosopher came eagerly forward, +with both hands extended. Here was a difference, indeed, between his treatment +and that of Lord Chatterino and the duenna! The salutation was warmly returned; +and the Doctor and myself stepped a little apart, as he lost no time in +informing me he wished to say a word in private. +</p> + +<p> +“My dear Sir John,” the philosopher began, “our arrival has been the most +happily-timed thing imaginable! All Leaphigh, by this time, is filled with the +subject; and you can scarcely conceive the importance that is attached to the +event. New sources of trade, scientific discoveries, phenomena both moral and +physical, and results that it is thought may serve to raise the monikin +civilization still higher than ever! Fortunately, the academy holds its most +solemn meeting of the year this very day, and I have been formally requested to +give the assembly an outline of those events which have lately passed before my +eyes. The king’s eldest first cousin of the masculine gender is to attend +openly; and it is even conjectured, in a way to be quite authentic, that the +king himself will be present in his own royal person.” +</p> + +<p> +“How!” I exclaimed, “have you a mode, in Leaphigh, of rendering conjectures +certain?” +</p> + +<p> +“Beyond a doubt, sir, or what would our civilization be worth? As to the king’s +majesty, we always deal in the most direct ambiguities. Now as respects many of +our ceremonies, the sovereign is known morally to be present, when he may be +actually and physically eating his dinner at the other extremity of the island; +this important illustration of the royal ubiquity is effected by means of a +legal fiction. On the other hand, the king often indulges his natural +propensities, such as curiosity, love of fun, or detestation of ennui, by +coming in person, when, by the court fiction, he is thought to be seated on his +throne, in his own royal palace. Oh! as to all these little accomplishments and +graces in the art of truths, we are behind no people in the universe!” +</p> + +<p> +“I beg pardon, Doctor—so his majesty is expected to be at the academy this +morning?” +</p> + +<p> +“In a private box. Now this affair is of the last importance to me as a savant, +to you as a human being—for it will have a tendency to raise your whole species +in the monikin estimation—and, lastly, to learning. It will be indispensably +necessary that you should attend, with as many of your companions as possible, +more especially the better specimens. I was coming down to the landing in the +hope of meeting you; and a messenger has gone off to the ship to require that +the people be sent ashore forthwith. You will have a tribune to yourselves; +and, really, I do not like to express beforehand what I think concerning the +degree of attention you will all receive; but this much I think I can say—you +will see.” +</p> + +<p> +“This proposition, Doctor, has taken me a little by surprise, and I hardly know +what answer to give.” +</p> + +<p> +“You cannot say no, Sir John; for should his majesty hear that you have refused +to come to a meeting at which he is to be present, it would seriously, and, I +might add, justly offend him, nor could I answer for the consequences.” +</p> + +<p> +“Why, I was told that all the power was in the hands of his majesty’s eldest +first cousin of the masculine gender; in which case I thought I might snap my +fingers at his majesty himself.” +</p> + +<p> +“Not in opinion, Sir John, which is one of the three estates of the government. +Ours is a government of three estates—viz., the law, opinion, and practice. By +law the king rules, by practice his cousin rules, and by opinion the king again +rules. Thus, is the strong point of practice balanced by law and opinion. This +it is that constitutes the harmony and perfection of the system. No, it would +never do to offend his majesty.” +</p> + +<p> +Although I did not very well comprehend the Doctor’s argument, yet, as I had +often found in human society, theories political, moral, theological, and +philosophical, that everybody had faith in, and which nobody understood, I +thought discussion useless, and gave up the point by promising the Doctor to be +at the academy in half an hour, which was the time named for our appearance. +Taking the necessary directions to find the place, we separated; he to hasten +to make his preparations, and I to reach the tavern, in order to deposit our +baggage, that no decency might be overlooked on an occasion so solemn. +</p> + +</div><!--end chapter--> + +<div class="chapter"> + +<h2><a name="link2HCH0016"></a> +CHAPTER XVI.<br/> +AN INN—DEBTS PAID IN ADVANCE, AND A SINGULAR TOUCH OF HUMAN NATURE FOUND +CLOSELY INCORPORATED WITH MONIKIN NATURE</h2> + +<p> +We soon secured rooms, ordered dinner, brushed our clothes, and made the other +little arrangements that it was necessary to observe for the credit of the +species. Everything being ready, we left the inn, and hurried towards the +“Palais des Arts et des Sciences.” We had not got out of sight of the inn, +however, before one of its garçons was at our heels with a message from his +mistress. He told us, in very respectful tones, that his master was out, and +that he had taken with him the key of the strong-box; that there was not +actually money enough in the drawer to furnish an entertainment for such great +persons as ourselves, and she had taken the liberty to send us a bill +receipted, with a request that we would make a small advance, rather than +reduce her to the mortification of treating such distinguished guests in an +unworthy manner. The bill read as follows:— +</p> + +<table summary="" style="margin-left: 5em"> + +<tr> +<td>No. 1 parti-color and friends,</td><td></td> +</tr> + +<tr> +<td>To No. 82,763 grape-color. </td><td>Dr.</td> +</tr> + +<tr> +<td>To use of apartments, with meals and lights, as per<br/> +agreement, <i>p.p.</i> 300 per diem—one day,</td><td><i>p.p.</i> 300</td> +</tr> + +<tr> +<td>By cash advanced,</td><td>50</td> +</tr> + +<tr> +<td></td><td>——</td> +</tr> + +<tr> +<td></td><td>Balance due, <i>p.p.</i> 250</td> +</tr> + +</table> + +<p> +“This seems all right,” I observed to Noah; but I am, at this moment, as +penniless as the good woman herself. I really do not see what we are to do, +unless Bob sends her back his store of nuts—” +</p> + +<p> +“Harkee, my nimble-go-hop,” put in the seaman, “what is your pleasure?” +</p> + +<p> +The waiter referred to the bill, as expressing his mistress’s wants. +</p> + +<p> +“What are these p. p. that I find noted in the bill—play or pay, hey?” +</p> + +<p> +“Promises, of course, your honor.” +</p> + +<p> +“Oh! then you desire fifty promises, to provide our dinner.” +</p> + +<p> +“Nothing more, sir. With that sum you shall dine like noblemen—ay, sir, like +aldermen.” +</p> + +<p> +I was delighted to find that this worthy class of beings have the same +propensities in all countries. +</p> + +<p> +“Here, take a hundred,” answered Noah, snapping his fingers, “and make no bones +of it. And harkee, my worthy—lay out every farthing of them in the fare. Let +there be good cheer, and no one will grumble at the bill. I am ready to buy the +inn, and all it holds, at need.” +</p> + +<p> +The waiter departed well satisfied with these assurances, and apparently in the +anticipation of good vails for his own trouble. +</p> + +<p> +We soon got into the current that was setting towards our place of destination. +On reaching the gate, we found that we were anxiously expected; for there was +an attendant in waiting, who instantly conducted us to the seats that were +provided for our special reception. It is always agreeable to be among the +privileged, and I must own that we were all not a little flattered, on finding +that an elevated tribune had been prepared for us, in the centre of the rotunda +in which the academy held its sittings, so that we could see, and be seen by, +every individual of the crowded assembly. The whole crew, even to the negro +cook, had preceded us; an additional compliment, that I did not fail to +acknowledge by suitable salutations to all the members present. After the first +feelings of pleasure and surprise were a little abated, I had leisure to look +about me and to survey the company. +</p> + +<p> +The academicians occupied the whole of the body of the rotunda, the space taken +up by the erection of our temporary tribune alone excepted, while there were +sofas, chairs, tribunes, and benches arranged for the spectators, in the outer +circles, and along the side-walls of the hall. As the edifice itself was very +large, and mind had so essentially reduced matter in the monikin species, there +could not have been less than fifty thousand tails present. Just before the +ceremonies commenced, Dr. Reasono approached our tribbune, passing from one to +another of the party, saying a pleasant and encouraging word to each, in a way +to create high expectations in us all as to what was to follow. We were so very +evidently honored and distinguished, that I struggled hard to subdue any +unworthy feeling of pride, as unbecoming human meekness, and in order to +maintain a philosophical equanimity under the manifestations of respect and +gratitude that I knew were about to be lavished upon even the meanest of our +party. The Doctor was yet in the midst of his pointed attentions, when the +king’s eldest first cousin of the masculine gender entered, and the business of +the meeting immediately began. I profited by a short pause, however, to say a +few words to my companions. I told them that there would soon be a serious +demand on their modesty. We had performed a great and generous exploit, and it +did not become us to lessen its merit by betraying a vainglorious self-esteem. +I implored them all to take pattern by me; promising, in the end, that their +new friends would trebly prize their hardihood, self-denial, and skill. +</p> + +<p> +There was a new member of the academy of Latent Sympathies to be received and +installed. A long discourse was read by one of this department of the monikin +learning, which pointed out and enlarged on the rare merits of the new +academician. He was followed by the latter; who in a very elaborate production, +that consumed just fifty-five minutes in the reading, tried all he could to +persuade the audience that the defunct was a loss to the world, that no +accident or application would ever repair, and that he himself was precisely +the worst person who could have been selected to be his successor. I was a +little surprised at the perfect coolness with which the learned body listened +to a reproach that was so very distinctly and perseveringly thrown, as it were, +into their very teeth. But a more intimate acquaintance with monikin society +satisfied me, that any one might say just what he pleased, so long as he +allowed that every one else was an excellent fellow, and he himself the poorest +devil going. When the new member had triumphantly established his position, and +just as I thought the colleagues were bound, in common honesty, to reconsider +their vote, he concluded, and took his seat among them with quite as much +assurance as the best philosopher of them all. +</p> + +<p> +After a short pause, and an abundance of felicitations on his excellent and +self-abasing discourse, the newly admitted member again rose, and began to read +an essay on some discoveries he had made in the science of Latent Sympathies. +According to his account of the matter, every monikin possessed a fluid which +was invisible, like the animalcula which pervade nature, and which required +only to be brought into command, and to be reduced into more rigid laws, to +become the substitute for the senses of sight, touch, taste, hearing, and +smelling. This fluid was communicable; and had already been so far rendered +subject to the will, as to make it of service in seeing in the dark, in +smelling when the operator had a bad cold, in tasting when the palate was down, +and in touching by proxy. Ideas had been transmitted, through its agency, +sixty-two leagues in one minute and a half. Two monikins, who were afflicted +with diseased tails, had during the last two years, been insulated and +saturated, and had then lost those embellishments, by operations; a quantity of +the fluid having been substituted in their places so happily, that the patients +fancied themselves more than ever conspicuous for the length and finesse of +their caudce. An experiment had also been successfully tried on a member of the +lower house of parliament, who, being married to a monikina of unusual mind, +had for a long time been supplied with ideas from this source, although his +partner was compelled to remain at home, in order to superintend the management +of their estate, forty-two miles from town, during the whole session. He +particularly recommended to government the promotion of this science, as it +might be useful in obtaining evidence for the purposes of justice, in detecting +conspiracies, in collecting the taxes, and selecting candidates for trusts of a +responsible nature. The suggestion was well received by the king’s cousin, more +especially those parts that alluded to sedition and the revenue. +</p> + +<p> +This essay was also perfectly well received by the savans, for I afterwards +found very little came amiss to the academy; and the members named a committee +forthwith, to examine into “the facts concerning invisible and unknown fluids, +their agency, importance, and relations to monikin happiness.” +</p> + +<p> +We were next favored with a discussion on the different significations of the +word gorstchwzyb; which, rendered into English, means “eh!” The celebrated +philologist who treated the subject, discovered amazing ingenuity in +expatiating on its ramifications and deductions. First he tried the letters by +transpositions, by which he triumphantly proved that it was derived from all +the languages of the ancients; the same process showed that it possessed four +thousand and two different significations; he next reasoned most ably and +comprehensively for ten minutes, backwards and forwards, using no other word +but this, applied in its various senses; after which, he incontrovertibly +established that this important part of speech was so useful as to be useless, +and he concluded by a proposition, in which the academy coincided by +acclamation, that it should be forever and incontinently expunged from the +Leaphigh vocabulary. As the vote was carried by acclamation, the king’s cousin +arose, and declared that the writer who should so far offend against good +taste, as hereafter to make use of the condemned word, should have two inches +cut off the extremity of his tail. A shudder among the ladies, who, I +afterwards ascertained, loved to carry their caudae as high as our women like +to carry their heads, proved the severity of the decree. +</p> + +<p> +An experienced and seemingly much respected member now arose to make the +following proposal. He said it was known that the monikin species were fast +approaching perfection; that the increase of mind and the decrease of matter +were so very apparent as to admit of no denial; that, in his own case, he found +his physical powers diminish daily, while his mental acquired new distinctness +and force; that he could no longer see without spectacles, hear without a tube, +or taste without high seasoning; from all this he inferred that they were +drawing near to some important change, and he wished that portion of the +science of Latent Sympathies which was connected with the unknown fluid just +treated on, might be referred to a committee on the whole, in order to make +some provision for the wants of a time when monikins should finally lose their +senses. There was nothing to say against a proposition so plausible, and it was +accepted nemine contradicente, with the exception of a few in the minority. +</p> + +<p> +There was now a good deal of whispering, much wagging of tails, and other +indications that the real business of the meeting was about to be touched upon. +All eyes were turned on Dr. Reasono, who, after a suitable pause, entered a +tribune prepared for solemn occasions, and began his discourse. +</p> + +<p> +The philosopher, who, having committed his essay to memory, spoke extempore, +commenced with a beautiful and most eloquent apostrophe to learning, and to the +enthusiasm which glows in the breasts of all her real votaries, rendering them +alike indifferent to their personal ease, their temporal interests, danger, +suffering, and tribulations of the spirit. After this exordium, which was +pronounced to be unique for its simplicity and truth, he entered at once on the +history of his own recent adventures. +</p> + +<p> +First alluding to the admirable character of that Leaphigh usage which +prescribes the Journey of Trial, our philosopher spoke of the manner in which +he had been selected to accompany my lord Chatterino on an occasion so +important to his future hopes. He dwelt on the physical preparations, the +previous study, and the moral machinery that he had employed with his pupil, +before they quitted town; all of which, there is reason to think, were well +fitted to their objects, as he was constantly interrupted by murmurs of +applause. After some time spent in dilating on these points, I had, at length, +the satisfaction to find him, Mrs. Lynx, and their two wards, fairly setting +out on a journey which, as he very justly mentioned, proved “to be pregnant +with events of so much importance to knowledge in general, to the happiness of +the species, and to several highly interesting branches of monikin science, in +particular.” I say the satisfaction, for, to own the truth, I was eager to +witness the effect that would be made on the monikin sensibilities, when he +came to speak of my own discernment in detecting their real characters beneath +the contumely and disgrace in which it had been my good fortune to find them, +the promptitude with which I had stepped forward to their relief, and the +liberality and courage with which I had furnished the means and encountered the +risks that were necessary to restore them to their native land. The +anticipation of this human triumph could not but diffuse a general satisfaction +in our own tribune—even the common mariners, as they recalled the dangers +through which they had passed, feeling a consciousness of deserving, mingled +with that soothing sentiment which is ever the companion of a merited reward. +As the philosopher drew nearer to the time when it would be necessary to speak +of us, I threw a look of triumph at Lord Chatterino, which, however, failed of +its intended effect—the young peer continuing to whisper to his noble +companions with just is much self-importance and coolness as if he had not been +one of the rescued captives. +</p> + +<p> +Dr. Reasono was justly celebrated, among his colleagues, for ingenuity and +eloquence. The excellent morals that he threw into every possible opening of +his subject, the beauty of the figures with which they were illustrated, and +the masculine tendencies of his argument, gave general delight to the audience. +The Journey of Trial was made to appear, what it had been intended to be by the +fathers and sages of the Leaphigh institutions, a probation replete with +admonitions and instruction. The aged and experienced, who had grown callous by +time, could not conceal their exultation; the mature and suffering looked grave +and full of meditation; while the young and sanguine fairly trembled, and for +once, doubted. But, as the philosopher led his party from precipice to +precipice in safety, as rocks were scaled and seductive valleys avoided, a +common feeling of security began to extend itself among the audience; and we +all followed him in his last experiment among the ice, with that sort of blind +confidence which the soldier comes, in time, to entertain in the orders of a +tried and victorious general. +</p> + +<p> +The Doctor was graphic in his account of the manner in which he and his wards +plunged among these new trials. The lovely Chatterissa (for all his travelling +companions were present) bent aside her head and blushed, as the philosopher +alluded to the manner in which the pure flame that glowed in her gentle bosom +resisted the chill influence of that cold region; and when he recited an ardent +declaration that my lord Chatterino had made on the centre of a floe, and the +kind and amorous answer of his mistress, I thought the applause of the old +academicians would have actually brought the vaulted dome clattering about our +ears. +</p> + +<p> +At length he reached the point in the narrative where the amiable wanderers +fell in with the sealers, on that unknown island to which chance and an adverse +fortune had unhappily led them, in their pilgrimage. I had taken measures +secretly to instruct Mr. Poke and the rest of my companions, as to the manner +in which it became us to demean ourselves, while the Doctor was acquainting the +academy with that first outrage committed by human cupidity, or the seizure of +himself and friends. We were to rise, in a body, and, turning our faces a +little on one side, veil our eyes in sign of shame. Less than this, it struck +me, could scarcely be done, without manifesting an improper indifference to +monikin rights; and more than this, might have been identifying ourselves with +the particular individuals of the species who had perpetrated the wrong. But +there was no occasion to exhibit this delicate attention to our learned hosts. +The Doctor, with a refinement of feeling that did credit, indeed, to monikin +civilization, gave an ingenious turn to the whole affair, which at once removed +all cause of shame from our species; and which, if it left reason for any to +blush, by a noble act of disinterestedness, threw the entire onus of the +obligation on himself. Instead of dwelling on the ruthless manner in which he +and his friends had been seized, the worthy Doctor very tranquilly informed his +listeners, that, finding himself, by hazard, brought in contact with another +species, and that the means of pushing important discoveries were unexpectedly +placed in his power; conscious it had long been a desideratum with the savans +to obtain a nearer view and more correct notions of human society; believing he +had a discretion in the matter of his wards, and knowing that the inhabitants +of Leaplow, a republic which all disliked, were seriously talking of sending +out an expedition for this very purpose, he had promptly decided to profit by +events, to push inquiry to the extent of his abilities, and to hazard all in +the cause of learning and truth, by at once engaging the vessel of the sealers, +and sailing, without dread of consequences, forthwith into the very bosom of +the world of man! +</p> + +<p> +I have listened with awe to the thunder of the tropics—I have held my breath as +the artillery of a fleet vomited forth its fire, and rent the air with sudden +concussions—I have heard the roar of the tumbling river of the Canadas, and I +have stood aghast at the crashing of a forest in a tornado;—but never before +did I feel so life-stirring, so thrilling an emotion of surprise, alarm, and +sympathy, as that which arose within me, at the burst of commendation and +delight with which this announcement of self-devotion and enterprise was +received by the audience. Tails waved, pattes met each other in ecstasy, voice +whistled to voice, and there was one common cry of exultation, of rapture and +of glorification, at this proof, not of monikin, for that would have been +frittering away the triumph, but at this proof of Leaphigh courage. +</p> + +<p> +During the clamor, I took an opportunity to express my satisfaction at the +handsome manner in which our friend the Doctor had passed over an acknowledged +human delinquency, and the ingenuity with which he had turned the whole of the +unhappy transaction to the glory of Leaphigh. Noah answered that the +philosopher had certainly shown a knowledge of human natur’, and he presumed of +monikin natur’, in the matter; no one would now dispute his statement, since, +as he knew by experience, no one was so likely to be set down as a liar, as he +who endeavored to unsettle the good opinion that either a community or an +individual entertained of himself. This was the way at Stunin’tun, and he +believed this was pretty much the way at New York, or he might say with the +whole ’arth from pole to pole. As for himself, however, he owned he should like +to have a few minutes’ private conversation with the sealer in question, to +hear his account of the matter; he didn’t know any owner in his part of the +world, who would bear a captain out, should he abandon a v’yage in this way, on +no better security than the promises of a monkey, and of a monkey, too, who +must, of necessity, be an utter stranger to him. +</p> + +<p> +When the tumult of applause had a little abated, Dr. Reasono proceeded with his +narrative. He touched lightly on the accommodations of the schooner, which he +gave us reason to think were altogether of a quality beneath the condition of +her passengers; and he added that, falling in with a larger and fairer vessel, +which was making a passage between Bombay and Great Britain, he profited by the +occasion, to exchange ships. This vessel touched at the island of St. Helena, +where, according to the Doctor’s account of the matter, he found means to pass +the greater part of a week on shore. +</p> + +<p> +Of the island of St. Helena he gave a long, scientific, and certainly an +interesting account. It was reported to be volcanic, by the human savans, he +said, but a minute examination and a comparison of the geological formation, +etc., had quite satisfied him that their own ancient account, which was +contained in the mineralogical works of Leaphigh, was the true one; or, in +other words, that this rock was a fragment of the polar world that had been +blown away at the great eruption, and which had become separated from the rest +of the mass at this spot, where it had fallen and become a fixture of the +ocean. Here the Doctor produced certain specimens of rock, which he submitted +to the learned present, inviting their attention to its character, and asking, +with great mineralogical confidence, if it did not intimately resemble a +well-known stratum of a mountain, within two leagues of the very spot they were +in? This triumphant proof of the truth of his proposition was admirably +received; and the philosopher was in particular rewarded by the smiles of all +the females present; for ladies usually are well pleased with any demonstration +that saves them the trouble of comparison and reflection. +</p> + +<p> +Before quitting this branch of his subject, the Doctor observed that, +interesting as were these proofs of the accuracy of their histories, and of the +great revolutions of inanimate nature, there was another topic connected with +St. Helena, which, he felt certain, would excite a lively emotion in the +breasts of all who heard him. At the period of his visit, the island had been +selected as a prison for a great conqueror and disturber of his +fellow-creatures; and public attention was much drawn to the spot by this +circumstance, few men coming there who did not permit all their thoughts to be +absorbed by the past acts and the present fortunes of the individual in +question. As for himself, there was, of course, no great attraction in any +events connected with mere human greatness, the little struggles and +convulsions of the species containing no particular interest for a devotee of +the monikin philosophy; but the manner in which all eyes were drawn in one +direction, afforded him a liberty of action that he had eagerly improved, in a +way that, he humbly trusted, would not be thought altogether unworthy of their +approbation. While searching for minerals among the cliffs, his attention had +been drawn to certain animals that are called monkeys, in the language of those +regions; which, from very obvious affinities of a physical nature, there was +some reason to believe might have had a common origin with the monikin species. +The academy would at once see how desirable it was to learn all the interesting +particulars of the habits, language, customs, marriages, funerals, religious +opinions, traditions, state of learning, and general moral condition of this +interesting people, with a view to ascertain whether they were merely one of +those abortions, to which, it is known, nature is in the practice of giving +birth, in the outward appearance of their own species, or whether, as several +of their best writers had plausibly maintained, they were indeed a portion of +those whom they had been in the habit of designating as the “lost monikins.” He +had succeeded in getting access to a family of these beings, and in passing an +entire day in their society. The result of his investigations was, that they +were truly of the monikin family, retaining much of the ingenuity and many of +the spiritual notions of their origin, but with their intellects sadly blunted, +and perhaps their improvable qualities annihilated, by the concussion of the +elements that had scattered them abroad upon the face of the earth, houseless, +hopeless, regionless wanderers. The vicissitudes of climate, and a great +alteration of habits, had certainly wrought some physical changes; but there +still remained sufficient scientific identity to prove they were monikins. They +even retained, in their traditions, some glimmerings of the awful catastrophe +by which they were separated from the rest of their fellow-creatures; but these +necessarily were vague and profitless. Having touched on several other points +connected with these very extraordinary facts, the Doctor concluded by saying +that he saw but one way in which this discovery could be turned to any +practical advantage, beyond the confirmation it afforded of the truth of their +own annals. He suggested the expediency of fitting out expeditions to go among +these islands and seize upon a number of families, which, being transported +into Leaphigh, might found a race of useful menials, who, while they would +prove much less troublesome than those who possessed all the knowledge of +monikins, would probably be found more intelligent and useful than any domestic +animal which they at present owned. This happy application of the subject met +with decided commendation. I observed that most of the elderly females put +their heads together on the spot, and appeared to be congratulating each other +on the prospect of being speedily relieved from their household cares. +</p> + +<p> +Dr. Reasono next spoke of his departure from St. Helena, and of his finally +landing in Portugal. Here, agreeably to his account, he engaged certain +Savoyards to act as his couriers and guides during a tour he intended to make +through Portugal, Spain, Switzerland, France, etc., etc., etc. I listened with +admiration. Never before had I so lively a perception of the vast difference +that is effected in our views of matters and things, by the agency of an active +philosophy, as was now furnished by the narrative of the speaker. Instead of +complaining of the treatment he had received, and of the degradations to which +he and his companions had been subjected, he spoke of it all as so much prudent +submission, on his part, to the customs of the countries in which he happened +to find himself, and as the means of ascertaining a thousand important facts, +both moral and physical, which he proposed to submit to the academy in a +separate memoir another day. At present, he was admonished by the clock to +conclude, and he would therefore hasten his narrative as much as possible. +</p> + +<p> +The Doctor, with great ingenuousness, confessed that he could gladly have +passed a year or two longer in those distant and highly interesting portions of +the earth; but he could not forget that he had a duty to perform to the friends +of two noble families. The Journey of Trial had been completed under the most +favorable auspices, and the ladies naturally became anxious to return home. +They had accordingly passed into Great Britain, a country remarkable for +maritime enterprise, where he immediately commenced the necessary preparations +for their sailing. A ship had been procured under the promise of allowing it to +be freighted, free of custom-house charges, with the products of Leaphigh. A +thousand applications had been made to him for permission to be of his party, +the natives naturally enough wishing to see a civilized country; but prudence +had admonished him to accept of those only who were the most likely to make +themselves useful. The king of Great Britain, no mean prince in human +estimation, had committed his only son and heir-apparent to his care, with a +view to his improvement by travelling; and the lord high admiral himself had +asked permission to take command of an expedition that was of so much +importance to knowledge in general, and to his own profession in particular. +</p> + +<p> +Here Dr. Reasono ascended our tribune and presented Bob to the academy as the +Prince-Royal of Great Britain, and Captain Poke as her lord high admiral! He +pointed out certain peculiarities about the former, the smut in particular, +which had become pretty effectually incorporated with the skin, as so many +signs of royal birth; and ordering the youngster to uncase, he drew forth the +union-jack that the lad carefully kept about his nether part as a fender, and +exhibited it as his armorial bearings—a modification of its uses that would not +have been very far out of the way, had another limb been substituted for the +agent. As for Captain Poke, he requested the academicians to study his nautical +air in general, as furnishing sufficient proof of his pursuits, and of the +ordinary appearance of human seamen. +</p> + +<p> +Turning to me, I was then introduced to all present as the travelling governor +and personal attendant of Bob, and as a very respectable person in my way. He +added, that he believed, also, I had some pretension to be the discoverer of +something that was called the social-stake system; which, he dared to say, was +a very creditable discovery for one of my opportunities. +</p> + +<p> +By this prompt substitution of employments, I found I had effectually changed +places with the cabin-boy; who, instead of waiting on me, was, in future, to +receive that trifling attention at my hands. The mates were presented as two +rear-admirals at nurse, and the crew was said to be composed of so many +post-captains in the navy of Great Britain. To conclude, the audience was given +to understand that we were all brought to Leaphigh, like the minerals from St. +Helena, as so many specimens of the human species! +</p> + +<p> +I shall not deny that Dr. Reasono had taken a very different view of himself +and his acts, as well as of me and my acts, from those I had all along +entertained myself; and yet, on reflection, it is so common to consider +ourselves in lights very different from those in which we are viewed by others +that I could not, on the whole, complain as much of his representations as I +had at first thought it might become me to do. At all events, I was completely +spared the necessity of blushing for my generosity and disinterestedness, and +in other respects was saved the pain of viewing any part of my own conduct +under a consciousness of its attracting attention by its singularity on the +score of merit. I must say, nevertheless, that I was both surprised and a +little indignant; but the sudden and unexpected turn that had been given to the +whole affair, threw me so completely off my centre, that for the life of me, I +could not say a word in my own behalf. To make the matter worse, that monkey +Chatterino nodded to me kindly, as if he would show the spectators that, on the +whole, he thought me a very good sort of fellow! +</p> + +<p> +After the lecture was over, the audience approached to examine us, taking a +great many amiable liberties with our persons, and otherwise showing that we +were deemed curiosities worthy of their study. The king’s cousin, too, was not +neglectful of us, but he had it announced to the assembly that we were entirely +welcome to Leaphigh; and that, out of respect to Dr. Reasono, we were all +promoted to the dignity of “honorary monikins,” for the entire period of our +stay in the country. He also caused it to be proclaimed that, if the boys +annoyed us in the streets, they should have their tails curled with birch +curling-irons. As for the Doctor himself, it was proclaimed that, in addition +to his former title of F. U. D. G. E., he was now perferred* to be even M. O. +R. E., and that he was also raised to the dignity of an H. O. A. X., the very +highest honor to which any savant of Leaphigh could attain. [*sic] +</p> + +<p> +At length curiosity was appeased, and we we’re permitted to descend from the +tribune; the company ceasing to attend to us, in order to pay attention to each +other. As I had time now to recollect myself, I did not lose a moment in taking +the two mates aside, to present a proposition that we should go, in a body, +before a notary, and enter a protest against the unaccountable errors into +which Dr. Reasono had permitted himself to fall, whereby the truth was +violated, the rights of persons invaded, humanity dishonored, and the Leaphigh +philosophy misled. I cannot say that my arguments were well received; and I was +compelled to quit the two rear-admirals, and to go in quest of the crew, with +the conviction that the former had been purchased. An appeal to the reckless, +frank, loyal natures of the common seamen, I thought, would not fail to meet +with better success. Here, too, I was fated to encounter disappointment. The +men swore a few hearty oaths, and affirmed that Leaphigh was a good country. +They expected pay and rations, as a matter of course, in proportion to their +new rank; and having tasted the sweets of command, they were not yet prepared +to quarrel with their good fortune, and to lay aside the silver tankard for the +tar-pot. +</p> + +<p> +Quitting the rascals, whose heads really appeared to be turned by their +unexpected elevation, I determined to hunt up Bob, and by dint of Mr. Poke’s +ordinary application, compel him, at least, in despite of the union-jack, to +return to a sense of his duty, and to reassume his old post as the servitor of +my wants. I found the little blackguard in the midst of a bevy of monikinas of +all ages, who were lavishing their attentions on his worthless person, and +otherwise doing all they could to eradicate everything like humility, or any +good quality that might happen to remain in him. He certainly gave me a fair +opportunity to commence the attack, for he wore the union-jack over his +shoulder, in the manner of a royal mantle, while the females of inferior rank +pressed about him to kiss its hem! The air with which he received this +adulation, fairly imposed on even me; and fearful that the monikinas might mob +me, should I attempt to undeceive them—for monikinas, let them be of what +species they may, always hug a delusion—I abandoned my hostile intentions for +the moment, and hurried after Mr. Poke, little doubting my ability of bringing +one of his natural rectitude of mind to a right way of thinking. +</p> + +<p> +The captain heard my remonstrances with a decent respect. He even seemed to +enter into my feelings with a proper degree of sympathy. He very frankly +admitted that I had not been well treated by Dr. Reasono, and he appeared to +think that a private conversation with that individual might yet possibly have +the effect of bringing him to a more reasonable representation of facts. But, +as to any sudden and violent appeal to public opinion for justice, or an +ill-advised recourse to a notary, he strenuously objected to both. The purport +of his remarks was somewhat as follows:— +</p> + +<p> +He was not acquainted with the Leaphigh law of protests, and, in consequence, +we might spend our money in paying fees, without reaping any advantage; the +Doctor, moreover, was a philosopher, an F. U. D. G. E., and an H. O. A. X., and +these were fearful odds to contend against in any country, and more especially +in a foreign country; he had an innate dislike for lawsuits; the loss of my +station was certainly a grievance, but still it might be borne; as for himself, +he never asked for the office of lord high admiral of Great Britain, but as it +had been thrust upon him, why, he would do his best to sustain the character; +he knew his friends at Stunin’tun would be glad to hear of his promotion, for, +though in his country there were no lords, nor even any admirals, his +countrymen were always exceedingly rejoiced whenever any of their +fellow-citizens were preferred to those stations by anybody but themselves, +seeming to think an honor conferred on one, was an honor conferred on the whole +nation; he liked to confer honor on his own nation, for no people on ’arth tuck +up a notion of this sort and divided it among themselves in a way to give each +a share, sooner than the people of the States, though they were very cautious +about leaving any portion of the credit in first hands, and therefore he was +disposed to keep as much as he could while it was in his power; he believed he +was a better seaman than most of the lord high admirals who had gone before +him, and he had no fears on that score; he wondered whether his promotion made +Miss Poke lady high admiral; as I seemed greatly put out about my own rank, he +would give me the acting appointment of a chaplain (he didn’t think I was +qualified to be a sea-officer), and do doubt I had interest enough at home to +get it confirmed; a great statesman in his country had said “that few die and +none resigned,” and he didn’t like to be the first to set new fashions; for his +part, he rather looked upon Dr. Reasono as his friend, and it was unpleasant to +quarrel with one’s friends; he was willing to do anything in reason, but +resign, and if I could persuade the Doctor to say he had fallen into a mistake +in my particular case, and that I had been sent to Leaphigh as a lord high +ambassador, lord high priest, or lord high anything else, except lord high +admiral, why, he was ready to swear to it—though he now gave notice, that in +the event of such an arrangement, he should claim to rank me in virtue of the +date of his own commission; if he gave up his appointment a minute sooner than +was absolutely necessary, he should lose his own self-respect, and never dare +look Miss Poke in the face again—on the whole, he should do no such thing; and, +finally, he wished me a good morning, as he was about to make a call on the +lord high admiral of Leaphigh. +</p> + +</div><!--end chapter--> + +<div class="chapter"> + +<h2><a name="link2HCH0017"></a> +CHAPTER XVII.<br/> +NEW LORDS, NEW LAWS—GYRATION, ROTATION, AND ANOTHER NATION; ALSO AN INVITATION.</h2> + +<p> +I felt that my situation had now become exceedingly peculiar. It is true that +my modesty had been unexpectedly spared, by the very ingenious turn Dr. Reasono +had given to the history of our connection with each other; but I could not see +that I had gained any other advantage by the expedient. All my own species had, +in a sense, cut me; and I was obliged to turn despondingly, and not without +humiliation, towards the inn, where the banquet ordered by Mr. Poke waited our +appearance. +</p> + +<p> +I had reached the great square, when a tap on the knee drew my attention to one +at my side. The applicant for notice was a monikin, who had all the physical +peculiarities of a subject of Leaphigh, and yet, who was to be distinguished +from most of the inhabitants of that country, by a longer and less cultivated +nap to his natural garment, greater shrewdness about the expression of the eyes +and the mouth, a general air of business, and, for a novelty, a bob-cauda. He +was accompanied by positively the least well-favored being of the species I had +yet seen. I was addressed by the former. +</p> + +<p> +“Good morning, Sir John Goldencalf,” he commenced, with a sort of jerk, that I +afterwards learned was meant for a diplomatic salutation; “you have not met +with the very best treatment to-day, and I have been waiting for a good +opportunity to make my condolences, and to offer my services.” +</p> + +<p> +“Sir, you are only too good. I do feel a little wronged, and, I must say, +sympathy is most grateful to my feelings. You will, however, allow me to +express my surprise at your being acquainted with my real name, as well as with +my misfortunes?” +</p> + +<p> +“Why, sir, to own the truth, I belong to an examining people. The population is +very much scattered in my country, and we have fallen into a practice of +inquiry that is very natural to such a state of things. I think you must have +observed that in passing along a common highway, you rarely meet another +without a nod; while thousands are met in a crowded street without even a +glance of the eye. We develop this principle, sir; and never let any fact +escape us for the want of a laudable curiosity.” +</p> + +<p> +“You are not a subject of Leaphigh, then?” +</p> + +<p> +“God forbid! No, sir, I am a citizen of Leaplow, a great and a glorious +republic that lies three days’ sail from this island; a new nation, which is in +the enjoyment of all the advantages of youth and vigor, and which is a perfect +miracle for the boldness of its conceptions, the purity of its institutions, +and its sacred respect for the rights of monikins. I have the honor to be, +moreover, the envoy-extraordinary and minister-plenipotentiary of the republic +to the king of Leaphigh, a nation from which we originally sprung, but which we +have left far behind us in the race of glory and usefulness. I ought to +acquaint you with my name, sir, in return for the advantage I possess on this +head, in relation to yourself.” +</p> + +<p> +Hereupon my new acquaintance put into my hand one of his visiting-cards, which +contained as follows:— +</p> + +<p> +General-Commodore-Judge-Colonel PEOPLE’S FRIEND: +</p> + +<p> +Envoy-Extraordinary and Minister-Plenipotentiary from the Republic of Leaplow, +near his Majesty the King of Leaphigh. +</p> + +<p> +“Sir,” said I, pulling off my hat with a profound reverence, “I was not aware +to whom I had the honor of speaking. You appear to fill a variety of +employments, and I make no doubt, with equal skill.” +</p> + +<p> +“Yes, sir, I believe I am about as good at one of my professions as at +another.” +</p> + +<p> +“You will permit me to observe, however, General—a—a Judge—a—a—I scarcely know, +dear sir, which of these titles is the most to your taste?” +</p> + +<p> +“Use which you please, sir—I began with General, but had got as low as Colonel +before I left home. People’s Friend is the only appellation of which I am at +all tenacious. Call me People’s Friend, sir, and you may call me anything else +you find most convenient.” +</p> + +<p> +“Sir, you are only too obliging. May I venture to ask if you have really, +propria persona, filled all these different stations in life?” +</p> + +<p> +“Certainly, sir—I hope you do not mistake me for an impostor!” +</p> + +<p> +“As far from it as possible.—But a judge and a commodore, for instance, are +characters whose duties are so utterly at variance in human affairs, that I +will allow I find the conjunction, even in a monikin, a little extraordinary.” +</p> + +<p> +“Not at all, sir. I was duly elected to each, served my time out in them all, +and have honorable discharges to show in every instance.” +</p> + +<p> +“You must have found some perplexity in the performance of duties so very +different?” +</p> + +<p> +“Ah—I see you have been long enough in Leaphigh to imbibe some of its +prejudices! It is a sad country for prejudice. I got my foot mired in some of +them myself, as soon as it touched the land. Why sir, my card is an +illustration of what we call, in Leaplow, rotation in office.” +</p> + +<p> +“Rotation in office!” +</p> + +<p> +“Yes, sir, rotation in office; a system that we invented for our personal +convenience, and which is likely to be firm, as it depends on principles that +are eternal.” +</p> + +<p> +“Will you suffer me to inquire, colonel, if it has any affinity to the +social-stake system?” +</p> + +<p> +“Not in the least. That, as I understand it, is a stationary, while this is a +rotatory system. Nothing is simpler. We have in Leaplow two enormous boxes made +in the form of wheels. Into one we put the names of the citizens, and into the +other the names of the offices. We then draw forth, in the manner of a lottery, +and the thing is settled for a twelvemonth.” +</p> + +<p> +“I find this rotatory plan exceedingly simple—pray, sir, does it work as well +as it promises?” +</p> + +<p> +“To perfection.—We grease the wheels, of course, periodically.” +</p> + +<p> +“And are not frauds sometimes committed by those who are selected to draw the +tickets?” +</p> + +<p> +“Oh! they are chosen precisely in the same way.” +</p> + +<p> +“But those who draw THEIR tickets?” +</p> + +<p> +“All rotatory—they are drawn exactly on the same principle.” +</p> + +<p> +“But there must be a beginning. Those, again, who draw THEIR tickets—they may +betray their trusts?” +</p> + +<p> +“Impossible—THEY are always the most patriotic patriots of the land! No, no, +sir—we are not such dunces as to leave anything to corruption. Chance does it +all. Chance makes me a commodore to-day—a judge to-morrow. Chance makes the +lottery boys, and chance makes the patriots. It is necessary to see in order to +understand how much purer and useful is your chance patriot, for instance, than +one that is bred to the calling.” +</p> + +<p> +“Why, this savors, after all, of the doctrine of descents, which is little more +than matter of chance.” +</p> + +<p> +“It would be so, sir, I confess, were it not that our chances centre in a +system of patriots. Our approved patriots are our guarantees against abuses—” +</p> + +<p> +“Hem!”—interrupted the companion of Commodore People’s Friend, with an awkward +distinctness, as if to recall himself to our recollection. +</p> + +<p> +“Sir John, I crave pardon for great remissness—allow me to present my +fellow-citizen, Brigadier Downright, a gentleman who is on his travels, like +yourself; and as excellent a fellow as is to be found in the whole monikin +region.” +</p> + +<p> +“Brigadier Downright, I crave the honor of your acquaintance.—But, gentlemen, I +too have been sadly negligent of politeness. A banquet that has cost a hundred +promises is waiting my appearance; and, as some of the expected guests are +unavoidably absent, if you would favor me with your excellent society, we might +spend an agreeable hour, in the further discussion of these important +interests.” +</p> + +<p> +As neither of the strangers made the smallest objection to the proposal, we +were all soon comfortably situated at the dinner-table. The commodore, who, it +would seem, was habitually well fed, merely paid a little complimentary +attention to the banquet; but Mr. Downright attacked it tooth and nail, and I +had no great reason to regret the absence of Mr. Poke. In the meantime, the +conversation did not flag. +</p> + +<p> +“I think I understand the outline of your system, Judge People’s Friend,” I +resumed, “with the exception of the part that relates to the patriots. Would it +be asking too much to request a little explanation on that particular point?” +</p> + +<p> +“Not in the least, sir. Our social arrangement is founded on a hint from +nature; a base, as you will concede, that is broad enough to sustain a +universe. As a people, we are a hive that formerly swarmed from Leaphigh; and +finding ourselves free and independent, we set about forthwith building the +social system on not only a sure foundation, but on sure principles. Observing +that nature dealt in duplicates, we pursued the hint, as the leading idea—” +</p> + +<p> +“In duplicates, commodore!” +</p> + +<p> +“Certainly, Sir John—a monikin has two eyes two ears, two nostrils, two lungs, +two arms, two hands, two legs, two feet, and so on to the end of the chapter. +On this hint, we ordered that there should be drawn, morally, in every district +of Leaplow, two distinct and separate lines, that should run at right angles to +each other. These were termed the ‘political landmarks’ of the country; and it +was expected that every citizen should range himself along one or the other. +All this you will understand, however, was a moral contrivance, not a physical +one.” +</p> + +<p> +“Is the obligation of this moral contrivance imperative?” +</p> + +<p> +“Not legally, it is true; but then, he who does not respect it is like one who +is out of fashion, and he is so generally esteemed a poor devil, that the usage +has a good deal more than the force of a law. At first, it was intended to make +it a part of the constitution; but one of our most experienced statesmen so +clearly demonstrated that, by so doing, we should not only weaken the nature of +the obligation, but most probably raise a party against it, that the idea was +abandoned. Indeed, if anything, both the letter and the spirit of the +fundamental law have been made to lean a little against the practice; but +having been cleverly introduced, in the way of construction, it is now bone of +our bone, and flesh of our flesh. Well, sir, these two great political +landmarks being fairly drawn, the first effort of one who aspires to be thought +a patriot is to acquire the practice of ‘toeing the mark’ promptly and with +facility. But should I illustrate my positions by a few experiments, you might +comprehend the subject all the better.—For though, in fact, the true evolutions +are purely moral, as I have just had the honor to explain, yet we have +instituted a physical parallel that is very congenial to our habits, with which +the neophyte always commences.” +</p> + +<p> +Here the commodore took a bit of chalk and drew two very distinct lines, +crossing each other at right angles, through the centre of the room. When this +was done, he placed his feet together, and then he invited me to examine if it +were possible to see any part of the planks between the extremities of his toes +and the lines. After a rigid look, I was compelled to confess it was not. +</p> + +<p> +“This is what we call ‘toeing the mark’; it is social position, No. 1. Almost +every citizen gets to be expert in practising it, on one or the other of the +two great political lines. After this, he who would push his fortunes further, +commences his career on the great rotatory principle.” +</p> + +<p> +“Your pardon, commodore, we call the word rotary, in English.” +</p> + +<p> +“Sir, it is not expressive enough for our meaning; and therefore we term it +‘rotatory.’ I shall now give you an example of position No. 2.” +</p> + +<p> +Here the commodore made a spring, throwing his body, as a soldier would express +it, to the “right about,” bringing, at the same time, his feet entirely on the +other side of the line; always rigidly toeing the mark. +</p> + +<p> +“Sir,” said I, “this was extremely well done; but is this evolution as useful +as certainly it is dexterous?” +</p> + +<p> +“It has the advantage of changing front, Sir John; a manoeuvre quite as useful +in politics as in war. Most all in the line get to practise this, too, as my +friend Downright, there, could show you, were he so disposed.” +</p> + +<p> +“I don’t like to expose my flanks, or my rear, more than another,” growled the +brigadier. +</p> + +<p> +“If agreeable, I will now show you gyration 2d, or position No. 3.” +</p> + +<p> +On my expressing a strong desire to see it, the commodore put himself again in +position No. 1; and then he threw what Captain Poke was in the habit of calling +a “flap-jack,” or a summerset; coming down in a way tenaciously to toe the +mark. +</p> + +<p> +I was much gratified with the dexterity of the commodore, and frankly expressed +as much; inquiring, at the same time, if many attained to the same skill. Both +the commodore and the brigadier laughed at the simplicity of the question; the +former answering that the people of Leaplow were exceedingly active and +adventurous, and both lines had got to be so expert, that, at the word of +command, they would throw their summersets in as exact time, and quite as +promptly, as a regiment of guards would go through the evolution of slapping +their cartridge-boxes. +</p> + +<p> +“What, sir,” I exclaimed, in admiration, “the entire population!” +</p> + +<p> +“Virtually, sir. There is, now and then, a stumbler; but he is instantly kicked +out of sight, and uniformly counts for nothing.” +</p> + +<p> +“But as yet, commodore, your evolutions are altogether too general to admit of +the chance selection of patriots, since patriotism is usually a monopoly.” +</p> + +<p> +“Very true, Sir John; I shall therefore come to the main point without delay. +Thus far, it is pretty much an affair of the whole population, as you say; few +refusing to toe the mark, or to throw the necessary flap-jacks, as you have +ingeniously termed them. The lines, as you may perceive, cross each other at +right angles; and there is consequently some crowding, and occasionally, a good +deal of jostling, at and near the point of junction. We begin to term a monikin +a patriot when he can perform this evolution.” +</p> + +<p> +Here the commodore threw his heels into the air with such rapidity that I could +not very well tell what he was about, though it was sufficiently apparent that +he was acting entirely on the rotatory principle. I observed that he alighted, +with singular accuracy, on the very spot where he had stood before, toeing the +mark with beautiful precision. +</p> + +<p> +“That is what we call gyration 3d, or position No. 4. He who can execute it is +considered an adept in our politics; and he invariably takes his position near +the enemy, or at the junction of the hostile lines.” +</p> + +<p> +“How, sir, are these lines, then, manned as they are with citizens of the same +country, deemed hostile?” +</p> + +<p> +“Are cats and dogs hostile, sir?—Certainly. Although standing, as it might be, +face to face, acting on precisely the same principle, or the rotatory impulse, +and professing to have exactly the same object in view, viz., the common good, +they are social, political, and I might almost say, the moral antipodes of each +other. They rarely intermarry, never extol, and frequently refuse to speak to +one another. In short, as the brigadier could tell you, if he were so disposed, +they are antagonist, body and soul. To be plain, sir, they are enemies.” +</p> + +<p> +“This is very extraordinary for fellow-citizens!” +</p> + +<p> +“’Tis the monikin nature,” observed Mr. Downright; “no doubt, sir, men are much +wiser?” +</p> + +<p> +As I did not wish to divert the discourse from the present topic, I merely +bowed to this remark, and begged the judge to proceed. +</p> + +<p> +“Well, sir,” continued the latter, “you can easily imagine that they who are +placed near the point where the two lines meet, have no sinecures. To speak the +truth, they blackguard each other with all their abilities, he who manifests +the most inventive genius in this high accomplishment, being commonly thought +the cleverest fellow. Now, sir, none but a patriot could, in the nature of +things, endure this without some other motive than his country’s good, and so +we esteem them.” +</p> + +<p> +“But the most patriotic patriots, commodore?” +</p> + +<p> +The minister of Leaphigh now toed the mark again, placing himself within a few +feet of the point of junction between the two lines, and then he begged me to +pay particular attention to his evolution. When all was ready, the commodore +threw himself, as it were, invisibly into the air, again head over heels, so +far as I could discover, and alighted on the antagonist line, toeing the mark +with a most astonishing particularity. It was a clever gyration, beyond a +doubt; and the performer looked towards me, as if inviting commendation. +</p> + +<p> +“Admirably executed, judge, and in a way to induce one to believe that you must +have paid great attention to the practice.” +</p> + +<p> +“I have performed this manoeuvre, Sir John, five times in real life; and my +claim to be a patriotic patriot is founded on its invariable success. A single +false step might have ruined me; but as you say, practice makes perfect, and +perfection is the parent of success.” +</p> + +<p> +“And yet I do not rightly understand how so sudden a desertion of one’s own +side, to go over in this active manner head over heels, I may say, to another +side, constitutes a fair claim to be deemed so pure a character as that of a +patriot.” +</p> + +<p> +“What, sir, is not he who throws himself defencelessly into the very middle of +the ranks of the enemy, the hero of the combat? Now, as this is a political +struggle, and not a warlike struggle, but one in which the good of the country +is alone uppermost, the monikin who thus manifests the greatest devotion to the +cause, must be the purest patriot. I give you my honor, sir, all my own claims +are founded entirely on this particular merit.” +</p> + +<p> +“He is right, Sir John; you may believe every word he says,” observed the +brigadier, nodding. +</p> + +<p> +“I begin to understand your system, which is certainly well adapted to the +monikin habits, and must give rise to a noble emulation in the practice of the +rotatory principle. But I understood you to say, colonel, that the people of +Leaplow are from the hive of Leaphigh?” +</p> + +<p> +“Just so, sir.” +</p> + +<p> +“How happens it, then, that you dock yourselves of the nobler member, while the +inhabitants of this country cherish it as the apple of the eye—nay, as the seat +of reason itself?” +</p> + +<p> +“You allude to our tails?—Why, sir, nature has dealt out these ornaments with a +very unequal hand, as you may perceive on looking out of the window. We agree +that the tail is the seat of reason, and that the extremities are the most +intellectual parts; but, as governments are framed to equalize these natural +inequalities, we denounce them as anti-republican. The law requires, therefore, +that every citizen, on attaining his majority, shall be docked agreeably to a +standard measure that is kept in each district. Without some such expedient, +there might be an aristocracy of intellect among us, and there would be an end +of our liberties. This is the qualification of a voter, too, and of course we +all seek to obtain it.” +</p> + +<p> +Here the brigadier leaned across the table and whispered that a great patriot, +on a most trying occasion, had succeeded in throwing a summerset out of his own +into the antagonist line, and that, as he carried with him all the sacred +principles for which his party had been furiously contending for many years, he +had been unceremoniously dragged back by his tail, which unfortunately came +within reach of those quondam friends on whom he had turned his back; and that +the law had, in truth, been passed in the interests of the patriots. He added, +that the lawful measure allowed a longer stump than was commonly used; but that +it was considered underbred for any one to wear a dock that reached more than +two inches and three quarters of an inch into society, and that most of their +political aspirants, in particular, chose to limit themselves to one inch and +one quarter of an inch, as a proof of excessive humility. +</p> + +<p> +Thanking Mr. Downright for his clear and sensible explanation, the conversation +was resumed. +</p> + +<p> +“I had thought, as your institutions are founded on reason and nature, judge,” +I continued, “that you would be more disposed ta cultivate this member than to +mutilate it; and this the more especially, as I understand all monikins believe +it to be the very quintessence of reason.” +</p> + +<p> +“No doubt, sir; we do cultivate our tails, but it is on the vegetable +principle, or as the skilful gardener lops the branch that it may throw out +more vigorous shoots. It is true, we do not expect to see the tail itself +sprouting out anew; but then we look to the increase of its reason, and to its +more general diffusion in society. The extremities of our cauda, as fast as +they are lopped, are sent to a great intellectual mill, where the mind is +extracted from the matter, and the former is sold, on public account, to the +editors of the daily journals. This is the reason our Leaplow journalists are +so distinguished for their ingenuity and capacity, and the reason, too, why +they so faithfully represent the average of the Leaplow knowledge.” +</p> + +<p> +“And honesty, you ought to add,” growled the brigadier. +</p> + +<p> +“I see the beauty of the system, judge, and very beautiful it is! This essence +of lopped tails represents the average of Leaplow brains, being a compound of +all the tails in the country; and, as a daily journal is addressed to the +average intellect of the community, there is a singular fitness between the +readers and the readees. To complete my stock of information on this head, +however, will you just allow me to inquire what is the effect of this system on +the totality of Leaplow intelligence?” +</p> + +<p> +“Wonderful! As we are a commonwealth, it is necessary to have a unity of +sentiment on all leading matters, and by thus compounding all the extremes of +our reasons we get what is called ‘public opinion’; which public opinion is +uttered through the public journals—” +</p> + +<p> +“And a most patriotic patriot is always chosen to be the inspector of the +mill,” interrupted the brigadier. +</p> + +<p> +“Better and better! you send all the finer parts of your several intellects to +be ground up and kneaded together; the compound is sold to the journalists, who +utter it anew, as the results of the united wisdom of the country—” +</p> + +<p> +“Or, as public opinion. We make great account of reason in all our affairs, +invariably calling ourselves the most enlightened nation on earth; but then we +are especially averse to anything like an insulated effort of the mind, which +is offensive, anti-republican, aristocratic and dangerous. We put all our trust +in this representation of brains, which is singularly in accordance with the +fundamental base of our society, as you must perceive.” +</p> + +<p> +“We are a commercial people, too,” put in the brigadier; “and being much +accustomed to the laws of insurance, we like to deal in averages.” +</p> + +<p> +“Very true, brother Downright, very true; we are particularly averse to +anything like inequality. Ods zooks! it is almost as great an offence for a +monikin to know more than his neighbors, as it is for him to act on his own +impulses. No—no—we are truly a free and an independent commonwealth, and we +hold every citizen as amenable to public opinion, in all he does, says, thinks, +or wishes.” +</p> + +<p> +“Pray, sir, do both of the two great political lines send their tails to the +same mills, and respect the same general sentiments?” +</p> + +<p> +“No, sir; we have two public opinions in Leaplow.” +</p> + +<p> +“TWO public opinions!” +</p> + +<p> +“Certainly, sir; the horizontal and the perpendicular.” +</p> + +<p> +“This infers a most extraordinary fertility of thought, and one that I hold to +be almost impossible!” +</p> + +<p> +Here the commodore and the brigadier incontinently both laughed as hard as they +could; and that, too, directly in my face. +</p> + +<p> +“Dear me, Sir John—why, my dear Sir John! you are really the drollest +creature!”—gasped the judge, holding his sides—“the very funniest question I +have ev—ev—ever encountered!” He now stopped to wipe his eyes; after which he +was better able to express himself. “The same public opinion, forsooth!—Dear +me—dear me, that I should not have made myself understood!—I commenced, my good +Sir John, by telling you that we deal in duplicates, on a hint from nature; and +that we act on the rotatory principle. In obedience to the first, we have +always two public opinions; and, although the great political landmarks are +drawn in what may be called a stationary sense, they, too, are in truth +rotatory. One, which is thought to lie parallel to the fundamental law, or the +constitutional meridian of the country, is termed the horizontal, and the other +the perpendicular line. Now, as nothing is really stationary in Leaplow, these +two great landmarks are always acting, likewise, on the rotatory principle, +changing places periodically; the perpendicular becoming the horizontal, and +vice versa; they who toe their respective marks, necessarily taking new views +of things as they vary the line of sight. These great revolutions are, however, +very slow, and are quite as imperceptible to those who accompany them, as are +the revolutions of our planet to its inhabitants.” +</p> + +<p> +“And the gyrations of the patriots, of which the judge has just now spoken,” +added the brigadier, “are much the same as the eccentric movements of the +comets that embellish the solar system, without deranging it by their uncertain +courses.” +</p> + +<p> +“No, sir, we should be poorly off, indeed, if we had but ONE public opinion,” +resumed the judge. “Ecod, I do not know what would become of the most patriotic +patriots in such a dilemma!” +</p> + +<p> +“Pray, sir, let me ask, as you draw for places, if you have as many places as +there are citizens?” +</p> + +<p> +“Certainly, sir. Our places are divided, firstly, into the two great +subdivisions of the ‘inner’ and the ‘outer.’ Those who toe the mark on the most +popular line occupy the former, and those who toe the mark on the least popular +line take all the rest, as a matter of course. The first, however, it is +necessary to explain, are the only places worth having. As great care is had to +keep the community pretty nearly equally divided—” +</p> + +<p> +“Excuse the interruption—but in what manner is this effected?” +</p> + +<p> +“Why, as only a certain number can toe the mark, we count all those who are not +successful in getting up to the line, as outcasts; and, after fruitlessly +hanging about our skirts for a time, they invariably go over to the other line; +since it is better to be first in a village than second in Rome. We thus keep +up something like an equilibrium in the state, which, as you must know, is +necessary to liberty. The minority take the outer places, and all the inner are +left to the majority. Then comes another subdivision of the places; that is to +say, one division is formed of the honorary, and another of the profitable +places. The honorary, or about nine-tenths of all the inner places, are +divided, with great impartiality, among the mass of those who have toed the +mark on the strongest side, and who usually are satisfied with the glory of the +victory. The names of the remainder are put into the wheels to be drawn for +against the prizes, on the rotatory principle.” +</p> + +<p> +“And the patriots, sir;—are they included in this chance medley?” +</p> + +<p> +“Far from it. As a reward for their dangers, they have a little wheel to +themselves, although they, also, are compelled to submit to the rotatory +principle. Their cases differ from those of the others, merely in the fact that +they always get something.” +</p> + +<p> +I would gladly have pursued the conversation, which was opening a flood of +light upon my political understanding; but just then, a fellow with the air of +a footman entered, carrying a packet tied to the end of his cauda. Turning +round, he presented his burden, with profound respect, and withdrew. I found +that the packet contained three notes with the following addresses: +</p> + +<p> +“To His Royal Highness Bob, Prince of Wales, etc., etc., etc.” +</p> + +<p> +“To My Lord High Admiral Poke, etc., etc., etc.” +</p> + +<p> +“To Master Goldencalf, Clerk, etc., etc., etc.” +</p> + +<p> +Apologizing to my guests, the seal of my own note was eagerly opened. It read +as follows: +</p> + +<p> +“The Right Honorable the Earl of Chatterino, lord of the bed-chamber in waiting +on his majesty, informs Master John Goldencalf, clerk, that he is commanded to +attend the drawing-room, this evening, when the nuptial ceremony will take +place between the Earl of Chatterino and the Lady Chatterissa, the first maid +of honor to Her Majesty the Queen. +</p> + +<p> +“N. B. The gentlemen will appear full dress.” +</p> + +<p> +On explaining the contents of my note to the judge, he informed me that he was +aware of the approaching ceremony, as he had also an invitation to be present, +in his official character. I begged, as a particular favor, England having no +representative at Leaphigh, that he would do me the honor to present me, in his +capacity of a foreign minister. The envoy made no sort of objection, and I +inquired as to the costume necessary to be observed; as, so far as I had seen, +it was good-breeding at Leaphigh to go naked. The envoy had the goodness to +explain, that, although, in point of mere attire, clothing was extremely +offensive to the people of both Leaphigh and Leaplow, yet, in the former +country, no one could present himself at court, foreign ministers excepted, +without a cauda. As soon as we understood each other on these points, we +separated, with an understanding that I was to be in readiness (together with +my companions, of whose interest I had not been forgetful) to attend the envoy +and the brigadier, when they should call for me, at an hour that was named. +</p> + +</div><!--end chapter--> + +<div class="chapter"> + +<h2><a name="link2HCH0018"></a> +CHAPTER XVIII.<br/> +A COURT, A COURT-DRESS, AND A COURTIER—JUSTICE IN VARIOUS ASPECTS, AS WELL AS +HONOR.</h2> + +<p> +My guests were no sooner gone, than I sent for the landlady, to inquire if any +court-dresses were to be had in the neighborhood. She told me plenty might +certainly be had, that were suited to the monikin dimensions, but she much +doubted whether there was a tail in all Leaphigh, natural or artificial, that +was at all fit for a person of my stature. This was vexatious; and I was in a +brown study, calling up all my resources for the occasion, when Mr. Poke +entered the inn, carrying in his hand two as formidable ox-tails as I remember +ever to have seen. Throwing one towards me, he said the lord high admiral of +Leaphigh had acquainted him that there was an invitation out for the prince and +himself, as well as for the governor of the former, to be present at court +within an hour. He had hurried off from what he called a very good dinner, +considering there was nothing solid (the captain was particularly fond of +pickled pork), to let me know the honor that was intended us; and on the way +home, he had fallen in with Dr. Reasono, who, on being acquainted with his +errand, had not failed to point out the necessity of the whole party coming en +habit de cour. Here was a dilemma, with a vengeance; for the first idea that +struck the captain was, “the utter impossibility of finding anything in this +way, in all Leaphigh, befitting a lord high admiral of his length of keel; for, +as to going in an ordinary monikin queue, why, he should look like a +three-decked ship, with a brig’s spar stepped for a lower mast!” Dr. Reasono, +however, had kindly removed the embarrassment, by conducting him to the cabinet +of natural history, where three suitable appendages had been found, viz., two +fine relics of oxen, [Footnote: Cauda Bovum.—BUF.] and another, a capital +specimen, that had formerly been the mental lever, or, as the captain expressed +it, “the steering oar” of a kangaroo. The latter had been sent off, express, +with a kind consideration for the honor of Great Britain, to Prince Bob, who +was at a villa of one of the royal family, in the neighborhood of Aggregation. +</p> + +<p> +I was greatly indebted to Noah, for his dexterity in helping me to a good fit +with my court-dress. There was not time for much particularity, for we were in +momentary expectation of Judge People’s Friend’s return. All we could do, +therefore, was to make a belt of canvas (the captain being always provided with +needles, palm, etc., in his bag), and to introduce the smaller end of the tail +through a hole in the belt, drawing its base tight up to the cloth, which, in +its turn, was stitched round our bodies. This was but an indifferent substitute +for the natural appendage, it is true; and the hide had got to be so dry and +unyielding, that it was impossible for the least observant person to imagine +there was a particle of brains in it. The arrangement had also another +disadvantage. The cauda stuck out nearly at right angles with the position of +the body, and besides occupying much more space than would probably be +permitted in the royal presence, “it gave any jackanapes,” as Noah observed, +“the great advantage over us, of making us yaw at pleasure, since he might use +the outriggers as levers.” But a seaman is inexhaustible in expedients. Two +“back-stays,” or “bob-stays” (for the captain facetiously gave them both +appellations) were soon “turned in,” and the tails were “stayed in, in a way to +bring them as upright as trysail masts”; to which spars, indeed, according to +Noah’s account of the matter, they bore no small resemblance. +</p> + +<p> +The envoy-extraordinary of Leaplow, accompanied by his friend, Brigadier +Downright, arrived just as we were dressed; and a most extraordinary figure the +former cut, if truth must be said. Although obliged to be docked, according to +the Leaplow law, to six inches, and brought down to a real bob, by both the +public opinions of his country, for this was one of the few points on which +these antagonist sentiments were perfectly agreed, he now appeared in just the +largest brush I remember to have seen appended to a monikin! I felt a strong +inclination to joke the rotatory republican on this coquetry; but then I +remembered how sweet any stolen indulgence becomes; and, for the life of me, I +could not give utterance to a bon-mot. The elegance of the minister was +rendered the more conspicuous by the simplicity of the brigadier, who had +contrived to moustache his dock, a very short one at the best, in such a manner +as to render it nearly invisible. On my expressing a doubt to Mr. Downright +about his being admitted in such a costume, he snapped his fingers, and gave me +to understand he knew better. He appeared as a brigadier of Leaplow (I found +afterwards that he was in truth no soldier, but that it was a fashion among his +countrymen to travel under the title of brigadier), and this was his uniform; +and he should like to see the chamberlain who would presume to call in question +the state of his wardrobe! As it was no affair of mine, I prudently dropped the +subject, and we were soon in the court of the palace. +</p> + +<p> +I shall pass over the parade of guards, the state bands, the +sergeant-trumpeters, the crowd of footmen and pages, and conduct the reader at +once to the ante-chamber. Here we found the usual throng composed of those who +live in the smiles of princes. There was a great deal of politeness, much +bowing and curtseying, and the customary amount of genteel empressement to be +the first to bask in the sunshine of royalty. Judge People’s Friend, in his +character of a foreign minister, was privileged; and we had enjoyed the private +entree, and were now, of right, placed nearest to the great doors of the royal +apartments. Most of the diplomatic corps were already in attendance, and, quite +as a matter of course, there were a great many cordial manifestations, of the +ardent attachment that bound them and their masters together, in the inviolable +bonds of a most sacred amity. Judge People’s Friend, according to his own +account of the matter, represented a great nation—a very great nation—and yet I +did not perceive that he met with a warm—a very warm—reception. However, as he +seemed satisfied with himself, and all around him, it would have been unkind, +not to say rude, in a stranger to disturb his self-esteem; and I took especial +care, therefore, not to betray, by the slightest hint, my opinion that a good +many near his person seemed to think him and his artificial queue somewhat in +the way. The courtiers of Leaphigh, in particular, who are an exceedingly +exclusive and fastidious corps, appeared to regard the privileges of the judge +with an evil eye; and one or two of them actually held their noses as he +flourished his brush a little too near their sacred faces, as if they found its +odor out of fashion. While making these silent observations, a page cried out +from the lower part of the saloon, “Room for His Royal Highness the Crown +Prince of Great Britain!” The crowd opened, and that young blackguard Bob +walked up the avenue, in state. He wore the turnspit garment as the base of his +toilet; but the superstructure was altogether more in keeping with the rascal’s +assumed character. The union-jack was thrown over his shoulder in the fashion +of a mantle, and it was supported by the cook and steward of the Walrus (two +blacks), both clothed as alligators. The kangaroo’s tail was rigged in a way to +excite audible evidences of envy in the heart of Mr. Poke. The stepping of it, +the captain whispered, “did the young dog great credit, for it looked as +natural as the best wig he had ever seen; and then, in addition to the +bob-stay, it had two guys, which acted like the yoke-lines of a boat, or in +such a way, that by holding one in each hand, the brush could be worked +‘starboard and larboard’ like a rudder.” I have taken this description mainly +from the mouth of the captain, and most sincerely do I hope it may be +intelligible to the reader. +</p> + +<p> +Bob appeared to be conscious of his advantages; for, on reaching the upper end +of the room, he began whisking his tail, and flourishing it to the right and +left, so as to excite a very perceptible and lively admiration in the mind of +Judge People’s Friend—an effect that so much the more proved the wearer’s +address, for that high functionary was bound ex officio to entertain a +sovereign contempt for all courtly vanities. I saw the eye of the captain +kindle, however, and when the insolent young coxcomb actually had the temerity +to turn his back on his master, and to work his brush under his very nose, +human nature could endure no more. The right leg of my lord high admiral slowly +retired, with somewhat of the caution of the cat about to spring, and then it +was projected forward, with a rapidity that absolutely lifted the crown prince +from the floor. +</p> + +<p> +The royal self-possession of Bob could not prevent an exclamation of pain, as +well as of surprise, and some of the courtiers ran forward involuntarily to aid +him—for courtiers always ran involuntarily to the succor of princes. At least a +dozen of the ladies offered their smelling-bottles, with the most amiable +assiduity and concern. To prevent any disagreeable consequences, however, I +hastened to acquaint the crowd that in Great Britain, it is the usage to cuff +and kick the whole royal family; and that, in short, it is no more than the +customary tribute of the subject to the prince. In proof of what I said, I took +good care to give the saucy young scoundrel a touch of my own homage. The +monikins, who know that different customs prevail in different nations, +hastened to compliment the young scion of royalty in the same manner; and both +the cook and steward relieved their ennui by falling into the track of +imitation. Bob could not stand the last applications; and he was about to beat +a retreat, when the master of ceremonies appeared, to conduct him to the royal +presence. +</p> + +<p> +The reader is not to be misled by the honors that were paid to the imaginary +crown prince, and to suppose that the court of Leaphigh entertained any +peculiar respect for that of Great Britain. It was merely done on the principle +that governed the conduct of our own learned sovereign, King James I., when he +refused to see the amiable Pocahontas of Virginia, because she had degraded +royalty by intermarrying with a subject. The respect was paid to the caste, and +not to the individual, to his species, or to his nation. +</p> + +<p> +Let his privileges come from what cause they would, Bob was glad enough to get +out of the presence of Captain Poke—who had already pretty plainly threatened, +in the Stunin’tun dialect, to unship his cauda—into that of the majesty of +Leaphigh. A few minutes afterwards, the doors were thrown open, and the whole +company advanced into the royal apartments. +</p> + +<p> +The etiquette of the court of Leaphigh differs in many essential particulars +from the etiquette of any other court in the monikin region. Neither the king, +nor his royal consort, is ever visible to any one in the country, so far as is +vulgarly known. On the present occasion, two thrones were placed at opposite +extremities of the salon, and a magnificent crimson damask curtain was so +closely drawn before each, that it was quite impossible to see who occupied it. +On the lowest step there stood a chamberlain or a lady of the bed-chamber, who, +severally, made all the speeches, and otherwise enacted the parts of the +illustrious couple. The reader will understand, therefore, that all which is +here attributed to either of these great personages, was in fact performed by +one or the other of the substitutes named, and that I never had the honor of +actually standing face to face with their majesties. Everything that is now +about to be related, in short, was actually done by deputy, on the part of the +monarch and his wife. +</p> + +<p> +The king himself merely represents a sentiment, all the power belonging to his +eldest first cousin of the masculine gender, and any intercourse with him is +entirely of a disinterested or of a sentimental character. He is the head of +the church—after a very secular fashion, however;—all the bishops and clergy +therefore got down on their knees and said their prayers; though the captain +suggested that it might be their catechisms; I never knew which. I observed, +also, that all his law officers did the same thing; but as THEY never pray, and +do not know their catechisms, I presume the genuflections were to beg something +better than the places they actually filled. After this, came a long train of +military and naval officers, who, soldier-like, kissed his paw. The civilians +next had a chance, and then it was our turn to be presented. +</p> + +<p> +“I have the honor to present the lord high admiral of Great Britain to your +majesty,” said Judge People’s Friend, who had waived his official privilege of +going first, in order to do us this favor in person; it having been decided, on +a review of all the principles that touched the case, that nothing human could +take precedence of a monikin at court, always making the exception in favor of +royalty, as in the case of Prince Bob. +</p> + +<p> +“I am happy to see you at my court, Admiral Poke,” the king politely rejoined, +manifesting the tact of high rank in recognizing Noah by his family name, to +the great surprise of the old sealer. +</p> + +<p> +“King!” +</p> + +<p> +“You were about to remark?—” most graciously inquired his majesty, a little at +a loss to understand what his visitor would be at. +</p> + +<p> +“Why, I could not contain my astonishment at your memory, Mr. King, which has +enabled you to recall a name that you probably never before heard!” +</p> + +<p> +There was now a great, and to me, a very unaccountable confusion in the circle. +It would seem, that the captain had unwittingly trespassed on two of the most +important of the rules of etiquette, in very mortal points. He had confessed to +the admission of an emotion as vulgar as that of astonishment in the royal +presence, and he had intimated that his majesty had a memory; a property of the +mind which, as it might prove dangerous to the liberties of Leaphigh, were it +left in the keeping of any but a responsible minister, it had long been decided +it was felony to impute to the king. By the fundamental law of the land, the +king’s eldest first-cousin of the masculine gender, may have as many memories +as he please, and he may use them, or abuse them, as he shall see fit, either +in private or in the public service; but it is held to be utterly +unconstitutional and unparliamentary, and, by consequence, extremely underbred, +to insinuate, even in the most remote manner, that the king himself has either +a memory, a will, a determination, a resolution, a desire, a conceit, an +intention, or, in short, any other intellectual property, that of a “royal +pleasure” alone excepted. It is both constitutional and parliamentary to say +the king has a “royal pleasure” provided the context goes to prove that this +“royal pleasure” is entirely at the disposition of his eldest first-cousin of +the masculine gender. +</p> + +<p> +When Mr. Poke was made acquainted with his mistake, he discovered a proper +contrition; and the final decision of the affair was postponed, in order to +have the opinion of the judges on the propriety of taking bail, which I +promptly offered to put in, in behalf of my old shipmate. This disagreeable +little interruption temporarily disposed of, the business of the drawing-room +went on. +</p> + +<p> +Noah was next conducted to the queen, who was much inclined (always by deputy) +to overlook the little mistake into which he had fallen with her royal consort, +and to receive him graciously. +</p> + +<p> +“May it please your majesty, I have the honor to present to your majesty’s +royal notice the Lord Noah Poke, the lord high admiral of a distant and but +little known country, called Great Britain,” said the gold stick of the +evening—Judge People’s Friend being afraid of committing Leaplow, and declining +to introduce the captain to any one else. +</p> + +<p> +“Lord Poke is a countryman of our royal cousin, the Prince Bob!” observed the +queen, in an exceedingly gracious manner. +</p> + +<p> +“No, marm,” put in the sealer, promptly, “your cousin Bob is no cousin of mine; +and if it were lawful for your majesty to have a memory, or an inclination, or +anything else in that way, I should beg the favor of you to order the young +blackguard to be soundly threshed.” +</p> + +<p> +The majesty of Leaphigh stood aghast, by proxy! It would seem Noah had now +actually fallen into a more serious error than the mistake he had made with the +king. By the law of Leaphigh, the queen is not a feme couverte. She can sue and +be sued in her own name, holds her separate estate, without the intervention of +trustees, and IS supposed to have a memory, a will, an inclination, or anything +else in that way, except a “royal pleasure,” to which she cannot, of right, lay +claim. As to her, the king’s first-cousin is a dead letter; he having no more +control over her conscience than he has over the conscience of an apple-woman. +In short, her majesty is quite as much the mistress of her own convictions and +conscience as it probably ever falls to the lot of women in such high stations +to be the mistress of interests that are of so much importance to those around +them. Noah, innocently enough, I do firmly believe, had seriously wounded all +those nice sensibilities which are naturally dependent on such an improved +condition of society. Forbearance could go no further, and I saw, by the dark +looks around me, that the captain had committed a serious crime. He was +immediately arrested, and conducted from the presence to an adjoining room, +into which I obtained admission, after a good deal of solicitation and some +very strong appeals to the sacred character of the rights of hospitality. +</p> + +<p> +It now appeared that, in Leaphigh, the merits of a law are decided on a +principle very similar to the one we employ in England in judging of the +quality of our wines, viz., its age. The older a law, the more it is to be +respected, no doubt because, having proved its fitness by outlasting all the +changes of society, it has become more mellow, if not more palatable. Now, by a +law of Leaphigh that is coeval with the monarchy, he who offends the queen’s +majesty at a levee is to lose his head; and he who, under the same +circumstances, offends the king’s majesty, necessarily the more heinous +offence, is to lose his tail. In consequence of the former punishment, the +criminal is invariably buried, and he is consigned to the usual course of +monikin regeneration and resuscitation; but in consequence of the latter, it is +thought that he is completely thrown without the pale of reason, and is thereby +consigned to the class of the retrogressive animals. His mind diminishes, and +his body increases; the brain, for want of the means of development, takes the +ascending movement of sap again; his forehead dilates; bumps reappear; and, +finally, after passing gradually downwards in the scale of intellect, he +becomes a mass of insensible matter. Such, at least, is the theory of his +punishment. +</p> + +<p> +By another law, that is even older than the monarchy, any one who offends in +the king’s palace may be tried by a very summary process, the king’s pages +acting as his judges; in which case the sentence is to be executed without +delay. +</p> + +<p> +Such was the dilemma to which Noah, by an indiscretion at court, was suddenly +reduced; and, but for my prompt interference, he would probably have been +simultaneously decapitated at both extremities, in obedience to an etiquette +which prescribes that, under the circumstances of a court trial, neither the +king’s nor the queen’s rights shall be entitled to precedence. In defence of my +client I urged his ignorance of the usages of the country, and, indeed, of all +other civilized countries, Stunnin’tun alone excepted. I stated that the +criminal was an object altogether unworthy of their notice; that he was not a +lord high admiral at all, but a mere pitiful sealer; I laid some stress on the +importance of maintaining friendly relations with the sealers, who cruise so +near the monikin region; I tried to convince the judges that Noah meant no harm +in imputing moral properties to the king, and that so long as he did not impute +immoral properties to his royal consort, she might very well afford to pardon +him. I then quoted Shakspeare’s celebrated lines on mercy, which seemed to be +well enough received, and committed the whole affair to their better judgment. +</p> + +<p> +I should have got along very creditably, and most probably obtained the +immediate discharge of my friend, had not the attorney-general of Leaphigh been +drawn by curiosity into the room. Although he had nothing to say to the merits +of my arguments, he objected to every one of them, on the ground of formality. +This was too long, and that was too short; one was too high, and another too +low; a fifth was too broad, and a sixth too narrow; in short, there was no +figure of speech of this nature to which he did not resort, in order to prove +their worthlessness, with the exception that I do not remember he charged any +of my reasons with being too deep. +</p> + +<p> +Matters were now beginning to look serious for poor Noah, when a page came +skipping in to say that the wedding was about to take place, and that if his +comrades wished to witness it, they must sentence the prisoner without delay. +Many a man, it is said, has been hanged, in order that the judge might dine; +but, in the present instance, I do believe Captain Poke was spared, in order +that his judges might not miss a fine spectacle. I entered into recognizance, +in fifty thousand promises, for the due appearance of the criminal on the +following morning; and we all returned, in a body, to the presence-chamber, +treading on each other’s tails, in the eagerness to be foremost. +</p> + +<p> +Any one who has ever been at a human court, must very well know that, while it +is the easiest thing in the world to throw it into commotion by a violation of +etiquette, matters of mere life and death are not at all of a nature to disturb +its tranquillity. There, everything is a matter of routine and propriety; and, +to judge from experience, nothing is so unseemly as to appear to possess human +sympathies. The fact is not very different at Leaphigh, for the monikin +sympathies, apparently, are quite as obtuse as those of men; although justice +compels me to allow, that in the case of Captain Poke, the appeal was made in +behalf of a creature of a different species. It is also a settled principle of +Leaphigh jurisprudence, that it would be monstrous for the king to interfere in +behalf of justice-justice, however, being always administered in his name; +although it certainly is not held to be quite so improper for him to interfere +in behalf of those who have offended justice. +</p> + +<p> +As a consequence of these nice distinctions, which it requires a very advanced +stage of civilization fully to comprehend, both the king and queen received our +whole party, when we came back into the presence, exactly as if nothing +particular had occurred. Noah wore both head and tail erect, like another; and +the lord high admiral of Leaphigh dropped into a familiar conversation with +him, on the subject of ballasting ships, in just as friendly a manner as if he +were on the best possible terms with the whole royal family. This moral sang +froid is not to be ascribed to phlegm, but is, in fact, the result of high +mental discipline, which causes the courtier to be utterly destitute of all +feeling, except in cases that affect himself. +</p> + +<p> +It was high time now that I should be presented. Judge People’s Friend, who had +witnessed the dilemma of Noah with diplomatic unconcern, very politely renewed +the offer of his services in my favor, and I went forward and stood before the +throne. +</p> + +<p> +“Sire, allow me to present a very eminent literary character among men, a +cunning clerk, by name Goldencalf,” said the envoy, bowing to his majesty. +</p> + +<p> +“He is welcome to my court,” returned the king by proxy. +</p> + +<p> +“Pray, Mr. People’s Friend, is not this one of the human beings who have lately +arrived in my dominions, and who have shown so much cleverness in getting +Chatterino and his governor through the ice?” +</p> + +<p> +“The very same, please your majesty; and a very arduous service it was, and +right cleverly performed.” +</p> + +<p> +“This reminds me of a duty.—Let my cousin be summoned.” +</p> + +<p> +I now began to see a ray of hope, and to feel the truth of the saying which +teaches us that justice, though sometimes slow, never fails to arrive at last. +I had also, now, and for the first time, a good view of the king’s eldest +first-cousin of the masculine gender, who drew near at the summons; and, while +he had the appearance of listening with the most profound attention to the +instructions of the king of Leaphigh, was very evidently telling that potentate +what he ought to do. The conference ended, his majesty’s proxy spoke in a way +to be heard by all who had the good fortune to be near the royal person. +</p> + +<p> +“Reasono did a good thing,” he said; “really, a very good thing, in bringing us +these specimens of the human family. But for his cleverness, I might have died +without ever dreaming that men were gifted with tails.” [Kings never get hold +of the truth at the right end.] “I wonder if the queen knew it. Pray, did you +know, my Augusta, that men had tails?” +</p> + +<p> +“Our exemption from state affairs gives us females better opportunities than +your majesty enjoys, to study these matters,” returned his royal consort, by +the mouth of her lady of the bed-chamber. +</p> + +<p> +“I dare say I’m very silly—but our cousin, here, thinks it might be well to do +something for these good people, for it may encourage their king himself to +visit us some day.” +</p> + +<p> +An exclamation of pleasure escaped the ladies; who declared, one and all, it +would be delightful to see a real human king—it would be so funny! +</p> + +<p> +“Well, well,” added the good-natured monarch, “Heaven knows what may happen, +for I have seen stranger things. Really, we ought to do something for these +good people; for, although we owe the pleasure of their visit, in a great +degree, to the cleverness of Reasono—who, by the way, I’m glad to hear is +declared an H. O. A. X.—yet he very handsomely admits, that but for their +exertions—none of our seamikins being within reach—it would have been quite +impossible to get through the ice. I wish I knew, now, which was the cleverest +and the most useful of their party.” +</p> + +<p> +Here the queen, always thinking and speaking by proxy, suggested the propriety +of leaving the point to Prince Bob. +</p> + +<p> +“It would be no more than is due to his rank; for though they are men, I dare +say they have feelings like ourselves.” +</p> + +<p> +The question was now submitted to Bob, who sat in judgment on us all, with as +much gravity as if accustomed to such duties from infancy. It is said that men +soon get to be familiar with elevation, and that, while he who has fallen never +fails to look backwards, he who has risen invariably limits his vision to the +present horizon. Such proved to be the case with the princely Bob. +</p> + +<p> +“This person,” observed the jackanapes, pointing to me, “is a very good sort of +person, it is true, but he is hardly the sort of person your majesty wants just +now. There is the lord high admiral, too—but—” (Bob’s but was envenomed by a +thousand kicks!)—“but—you wish, sire, to know which of my father’s subjects was +the most useful in getting the ship to Leaphigh?” +</p> + +<p> +“That is precisely the fact I desire to know.” +</p> + +<p> +Bob hereupon pointed to the cook; who, it will be remembered, was present as +one of his train-bearers. “I believe I must say, sire, that this is the man. He +fed us all; and without food, and that in considerable quantities, too, nothing +could have been done.” +</p> + +<p> +The little blackguard was rewarded for his impudence, by exclamations of +pleasure from all around him.—“It was so clever a distinction,”—“it showed so +much reflection,”—“it was so very profound,”—“it proved how much he regarded +the base of society;”—in short, “it was evident England would be a happy +country, when he should be called to the throne!” In the meantime the cook was +required to come forth, and kneel before his majesty. +</p> + +<p> +“What is your name?” whispered the lord of the bed-chamber, who now spoke for +himself. +</p> + +<p> +“Jack Coppers, your honor.” +</p> + +<p> +The lord of the bed-chamber made a communication to his majesty, when the +sovereign turned round by proxy, with his back towards Jack, and, giving him +the accolade with his tail, he bade him rise, as “Sir Jack Coppers.” +</p> + +<p> +I was a silent, an admiring, an astounded witness of this act of gross and +flagrant injustice. Some one pulled me aside, and then I recognized the voice +of Brigadier Downright. +</p> + +<p> +“You think that honors have alighted where they are least due. You think that +the saying of your crown prince has more smartness than truth, more malice than +honesty. You think that the court has judged on false principles, and acted on +an impulse rather than on reason; that the king has consulted his own ease in +affecting to do justice; that the courtiers have paid a homage to their master, +in affecting to pay a homage to merit; and that nothing in this life is pure or +free from the taint of falsehood, selfishness, or vanity. Alas! this is too +much the case with us monikins, I must allow; though, doubtless, among men you +manage a vast deal more cleverly.” +</p> + +</div><!--end chapter--> + +<div class="chapter"> + +<h2><a name="link2HCH0019"></a> +CHAPTER XIX.<br/> +ABOUT THE HUMILITY OF PROFESSIONAL SAINTS, A SUCCESSION OF TAILS, A BRIDE AND +BRIDEGROOM, AND OTHER HEAVENLY MATTERS, DIPLOMACY INCLUDED.</h2> + +<p> +Perceiving that Brigadier Downright had an observant mind, and that he was +altogether superior to the clannish feeling which is so apt to render a +particular species inimical to all others, I asked permission to cultivate his +acquaintance; begging, at the same time, that he would kindly favor me with +such remarks as might be suggested by his superior wisdom and extensive +travels, on any of those customs or opinions that would naturally present +themselves in our actual situation. The brigadier took the request in good +part, and we began to promenade the rooms in company. As the Archbishop of +Aggregation, who was to perform the marriage ceremony, was shortly expected, +the conversation very naturally turned on the general state of religion in the +monikin region. +</p> + +<p> +I was delighted to find that the clerical dogmas of this insulated portion of +the world were based on principles absolutely identical with those of all +Christendom. The monikins believe that they are a miserable lost set of +wretches, who are so debased by nature, so eaten up by envy, uncharitableness, +and all other evil passions, that it is quite impossible they can do anything +that is good of themselves; that their sole dependence is on the moral +interference of the great superior power of creation; and that the very first, +and the one needful step of their own, is to cast themselves entirely on this +power for support, in a proper spirit of dependence and humility. As collateral +to, and consequent on, this condition of the mind, they lay the utmost stress +on a disregard of all the vanities of life, a proper subjection of the lusts of +the flesh, and an abstaining from the pomp and vainglory of ambition, riches, +power, and the faculties. In short, the one thing needful was +humility—humility—humility. Once thoroughly humbled to a degree that put them +above the danger of backsliding, they obtained glimpses of security, and were +gradually elevated to the hopes and the condition of the just. +</p> + +<p> +The brigadier was still eloquently discoursing on this interesting topic, when +a distant door opened, and a gold stick, or some other sort of stick, announced +the right reverend father in God, his grace the most eminent and most serene +prelate, the very puissant and thrice gracious and glorified saint, the Primate +of All Leaphigh! +</p> + +<p> +The reader will anticipate the eager curiosity with which I advanced to get a +glimpse of a saint under a system as sublimated as that of the great monikin +family. Civilization having made such progress as to strip all the people, even +to the king and queen, entirely of everything in the shape of clothes, I did +not well see under what new mantle of simplicity the heads of the church could +take refuge! Perhaps they shaved off all the hair from their bodies in sign of +supereminent self-abasement, leaving themselves naked to the cuticle, that they +might prove, by ocular evidence, what a poor ungainly set of wretches they +really were, carnally considered; or perhaps they went on all-fours to heaven, +in sign of their unfitness to enter into the presence of the pure of mind in an +attitude more erect and confident. Well, these fancies of mine only went to +prove how erroneous and false are the conclusions of one whose capacity has not +been amplified and concatenated by the ingenuities of a very refined +civilization. His grace the most gracious father in God, wore a mantle of +extraordinary fineness and beauty, the material of which was composed of every +tenth hair taken from all the citizens of Leaphigh, who most cheerfully +submitted to be shaved, in order that the wants of his most eminent humility +might be decently supplied. The mantle, wove from such a warp and such a woof, +was necessarily very large; and it really appeared to me that the prelate did +not very well know what to do with so much of it, more especially as the +contributions include a new robe annually. I was now desirous of getting a +sight of his tail; for, knowing that the Leaphighers take great pride in the +length and beauty of that appurtenance, I very naturally supposed that a saint +who wore so fine and glorious a robe, by way of humility, must have recourse to +some novel expedient to mortify himself on his sensitive subject, at least. I +found that the ample proportions of the mantle concealed not only the person, +but most of the movements of the archbishop; and it was with many doubts of my +success that I led the brigadier behind the episcopal train to reconnoitre. The +result disappointed expectation again. Instead of being destitute of a tail, or +of concealing that with which nature had supplied him beneath his mantle, the +most gracious dignitary wore no less than six caudae, viz., his own, and five +others added to it, by some subtle process of clerical ingenuity that I shall +not attempt to explain; one “bent on the other,” as the captain described them +in a subsequent conversation. This extraordinary train was allowed to sweep the +floor; the only sign of humility, according to my uninstructed faculties, I +could discern about the person and appearance of this illustrious model of +clerical self-mortification and humility. +</p> + +<p> +The brigadier, however, was not tardy in setting me right. In the first place, +he gave me to understand that the hierarchy of Leaphigh was illustrated by the +order of their tails. Thus, a deacon wore one and a half; a curate, if a +minister, one and three-quarters, and a rector two; a dean, two and a half, an +archdeacon, three; a bishop, four; the Primate of Leaphigh, five, and the +Primate of ALL Leaphigh, six. The origin of the custom, which was very ancient, +and of course very much respected, was imputed to the doctrine of a saint of +great celebrity, who had satisfactorily proved that as the tail was the +intellectual or the spiritual part of a monikin, the farther it was removed +from the mass of matter, or the body, the more likely it was to be independent, +consecutive, logical, and spiritualized. The idea had succeeded astonishingly +at first; but time, which will wear out even a cauda, had given birth to +schisms in the church on this interesting subject; one party contending that +two more joints ought to be added to the archbishop’s embellishment, by way of +sustaining the church, and the other that two joints ought to be incontinently +abstracted, in the way of reform. +</p> + +<p> +These explanations were interrupted by the appearance of the bride and +bridegroom, at different doors. The charming Chatterissa advanced with a most +prepossessing modesty, followed by a glorious train of noble maidens, all +keeping their eyes, by a rigid ordinance of hymeneal etiquette, dropped to the +level of the queen’s feet. On the other hand, my lord Chatterino, attended by +that coxcomb Hightail, and others of his kidney, stepped towards the altar with +a lofty confidence, which the same etiquette exacted of the bridegroom. The +parties were no sooner in their places, than the prelate commenced. +</p> + +<p> +The marriage ceremony, according to the formula of the established church of +Leaphigh, is a very solemn and imposing ceremony. The bridegroom is required to +swear that he loves the bride and none but the bride; that he has made his +choice solely on account of her merits, uninfluenced even by her beauty; and +that he will so far command his inclinations as, on no account, ever to love +another a jot. The bride, on her part, calls heaven and earth to witness, that +she will do just what the bridegroom shall ask of her; that she will be his +bondwoman, his slave, his solace and his delight; that she is quite certain no +other monikin could make her happy, but, on the other hand, she is absolutely +sure that any other monikin would be certain to make her miserable. When these +pledges, oaths, and asseverations were duly made and recorded, the archbishop +caused the happy pair to be wreathed together, by encircling them with his +episcopal tail, and they were then pronounced monikin and monikina. I pass over +the congratulations, which were quite in rule, to relate a short conversation I +held with the brigadier. +</p> + +<p> +“Sir,” said I, addressing that person, as soon as the prelate said ‘amen,’ “how +is this? I have seen a certificate, myself, which showed that there was a just +admeasurement of the fitness of this union, on the score of other +considerations than those mentioned in the ceremony?” +</p> + +<p> +“That certificate has no connection with this ceremony.” +</p> + +<p> +“And yet this ceremony repudiates all the considerations enumerated in the +certificate?” +</p> + +<p> +“This ceremony has no connection with that certificate.” +</p> + +<p> +“So it would seem; and yet both refer to the same solemn engagement!” +</p> + +<p> +“Why, to tell you the truth, Sir John Goldencalf, we monikins (for in these +particulars Leaphigh is Leaplow) have two distinct governing principles in all +that we say or do, which may be divided into the theoretical and the +practical—moral and immoral would not be inapposite—but, by the first we +control all our interests, down as far as facts, when we immediately submit to +the latter. There may possibly be something inconsistent in appearance in such +an arrangement; but then our most knowing ones say that it works well. No doubt +among men, you get along without the embarrassment of so much contradiction.” +</p> + +<p> +I now advanced to pay my respects to the Countess of Chatterino, who stood +supported by the countess-dowager, a lady of great dignity and elegance of +demeanor. The moment I appeared, the elaborate air of modesty, vanished from +the charming countenance of the bride, in a look of natural pleasure; and, +turning to her new mother, she pointed me out as a man! The courteous old +dowager gave me a very kind reception, inquiring if I had enough good things to +eat, whether I was not much astonished at the multitude of strange sights I +beheld in Leaphigh, said I ought to be much obliged to her son for consenting +to bring me over, and invited me to come and see her some fine morning. +</p> + +<p> +I bowed my thanks, and then returned to join the brigadier, with a view to seek +an introduction to the archbishop. Before I relate the particulars of my +interview with that pious prelate, however, it may be well to say that this was +the last I ever saw of any of the Chatterino set, as they retired from the +presence immediately after the congratulations were ended. I heard, however, +previously to leaving the region, which was within a month of the marriage, +that the noble pair kept separate establishments, on account of some +disagreement about an incompatibility of temper—or a young officer of the +guards—I never knew exactly which; but as the estates suited each other so +well, there is little doubt that, on the whole, the match was as happy as could +be expected. +</p> + +<p> +The archbishop received me with a great deal of professional benevolence, the +conversation dropping very naturally into a comparison of the respective +religious systems of Great Britain and Leaphigh. He was delighted when he found +we had an establishment; and I believe I was indebted to his knowledge of this +fact for his treating me more as an equal than he might otherwise have done, +considering the difference in species. I was much relieved by this; for, at the +commencement of the conversation, he had sounded me a little on doctrine, at +which I am far from being expert, never having taken an interest in the church, +and I thought he looked frowning at some of my answers; but, when he heard that +we really had a national religion, he seemed to think all safe, nor did he +once, after that, inquire whether we were pagans or Presbyterians. But when I +told him we had actually a hierarchy, I thought the good old prelate would have +shaken my hand off, and beatified me on the spot! +</p> + +<p> +“We shall meet in heaven some day!” he exclaimed, with holy delight; “men or +monikins, it can make no great difference, after all. We shall meet in heaven; +and that, too, in the upper mansions!” +</p> + +<p> +The reader will suppose that, an alien, and otherwise unknown, I was much +elated by this distinction. To go to heaven in company with the Archbishop of +Leaphigh was in itself no small favor; but to be thus noticed by him at court +was really enough to upset the philosophy of a stranger. I was sorely afraid, +all the while, he would descend to particulars, and that he might have found +some essential points of difference to nip his new-born admiration. Had he +asked me, for instance, how many caudae our bishops wear, I should have been +badgered; for, as near as I could recollect, their personal illustration was of +another character. The venerable prelate, however, soon gave me his blessing, +pressed me warmly to come to his palace before I sailed, promised to send some +tracts by me to England, and then hurried away, as he said, to sign a sentence +of excommunication against an unruly presbyter, who had much disturbed the +harmony of the church, of late, by an attempt to introduce a schism that he +called “piety.” +</p> + +<p> +The brigadier and myself discussed the subject of religion at some length, when +the illustrious prelate had taken his leave. I was told that the monikin world +was pretty nearly equally divided into two parts, the old and the new. The +latter had remained uninhabited, until within a few generations, when certain +monikins, who were too good to live in the old world, emigrated in a body, and +set up for themselves in the new. This, the brigadier admitted, was the Leaplow +account of the matter; the inhabitants of the old countries, on the other hand, +invariably maintaining that they had peopled the new countries by sending all +those of their own communities there, who were not fit to stay at home. This +little obscurity in the history of the new world, he considers of no great +moment, as such trifling discrepancies must always depend on the character of +the historian. Leaphigh was by no means the only country in the elder monikin +region. There were among others, for instance, Leapup and Leapdown; Leapover +and Leapthrough; Leaplong and Leapshort; Leapround and Leapunder. Each of these +countries had a religious establishment, though Leaplow, being founded on a new +social principle, had none. The brigadier thought, himself, on the whole, that +the chief consequences of the two systems were, that the countries which had +establishments had a great reputation for possessing religion, and those that +had no establishments were well enough off in the article itself, though but +indifferently supplied on the score of reputation. +</p> + +<p> +I inquired of the brigadier if he did not think an establishment had the +beneficial effect of sustaining truth, by suppressing heresies, limiting and +curtailing prurient theological fancies, and otherwise setting limits to +innovations. My friend did not absolutely agree with me in all these +particulars; though he very frankly allowed that it had the effect of keeping +TWO truths from falling out, by separating them. Thus, Leapup maintained one +set of religious dogmas under its establishment, and Leapdown maintained their +converse. By keeping these truths apart, no doubt, religious harmony was +promoted, and the several ministers of the gospel were enabled to turn all +their attention to the sins of the community, instead of allowing it to be +diverted to the sins of each other, as was very apt to be the case when there +was an antagonist interest to oppose. +</p> + +<p> +Shortly after, the king and queen gave us all our conges. Noah and myself got +through the crowd without injury to our trains, and we separated in the court +of the palace; he to go to his bed and dream of his trial on the morrow, and I +to go home with Judge People’s Friend and the brigadier, who had invited me to +finish the evening with a supper. I was left chatting with the last, while the +first went into his closet to indite a dispatch to his government, relating to +the events of the evening. +</p> + +<p> +The brigadier was rather caustic in his comments on the incidents of the +drawing-room. A republican himself, he certainly did love to give royalty and +nobility some occasional rubs; though I must do this worthy, upright monikin +the justice to say, he was quite superior to that vulgar hostility which is apt +to distinguish many of his caste, and which is founded on a principle as simple +as the fact that they cannot be kings and nobles themselves. +</p> + +<p> +While we were chatting very pleasantly, quite at our ease, and in undress as it +were, the brigadier in his bob, and I with my tail aside, Judge People’s Friend +rejoined us, with his dispatch open in his hand. He read aloud what he had +written, to my great astonishment, for I had been accustomed to think +diplomatic communications sacred. But the judge observed, that in this case it +was useless to affect secrecy, for two very good reasons; firstly, because he +had been obliged to employ a common Leaphigh scrivener to copy what he had +written—his government depending on a noble republican economy, which taught it +that, if it did get into difficulties by the betrayal of its correspondence, it +would still have the money that a clerk would cost, to help it out of the +embarrassment; and, secondly, because he knew the government itself would print +it as soon as it arrived. For his part, he liked to have the publishing of his +own works. Under these circumstances, I was even allowed to take a copy of the +letter, of which I now furnish a fac-simile. +</p> + +<p> +“SIR:—The undersigned, envoy-extraordinary and minister-plenipotentiary of the +North-Western Leaplow Confederate Union, has the honor to inform the secretary +of state, that our interests in this portion of the earth are, in general, on +the best possible footing; our national character is getting every day to be +more and more elevated; our rights are more and more respected, and our flag is +more and more whitening every sea. After this flattering and honorable account +of the state of our general concerns, I hasten to communicate the following +interesting particulars. +</p> + +<p> +“The treaty between our beloved North-Western Confederate Union and Leaphigh, +has been dishonored in every one of its articles; nineteen Leaplow seamen have +been forcibly impressed into a Leapthrough vessel of war; the king of Leapup +has made an unequivocal demonstration with a very improper part of his person, +at us; and the king of Leapover has caused seven of our ships to be seized and +sold, and the money to be given to his mistress. +</p> + +<p> +“Sir, I congratulate you on this very flattering condition of our foreign +relations; which can only be imputed to the glorious constitution of which we +are the common servants, and to the just dread which the Leaplow name has so +universally inspired in other nations. +</p> + +<p> +“The king has just had a drawing-room, in which I took great care to see that +the honor of our beloved country should be faithfully attended to. My cauda was +at least three inches longer than that of the representative of Leapup, the +minister most favored by nature in this important particular; and I have the +pleasure of adding, that her majesty the queen deigned to give me a very +gracious smile. Of the sincerity of that smile there can be no earthly doubt, +sir; for, though there is abundant evidence that she did apply certain unseemly +words to our beloved country lately, it would quite exceed the rules of +diplomatic courtesy, and be unsustained by proof, were we to call in question +her royal sincerity on this public occasion. Indeed, sir, at all the recent +drawing-rooms I have received smiles of the most sincere and encouraging +character, not only from the king, but from all his ministers, his first-cousin +in particular; and I trust they will have the most beneficial effects on the +questions at issue between the Kingdom of Leaphigh and our beloved country. If +they would now only do us justice in the very important affair of the +long-standing and long-neglected redress, which we have been seeking in vain at +their hands for the last seventy-two years, I should say that our relations +were on the best possible footing. +</p> + +<p> +“Sir, I congratulate you on the profound respect with which the Leaplow name is +treated, in the most distant quarters of the earth, and on the benign influence +this fortunate circumstance is likely to exercise on all our important +interests. +</p> + +<p> +“I see but little probability of effecting the object of my special mission, +but the utmost credit is to be attached to the sincerity of the smiles of the +king and queen, and of all the royal family.” +</p> + +<p> +“In a late conversation with his majesty, he inquired in the kindest manner +after the health of the Great Sachem [this is the title of the head of the +Leaplow government], and observed that our growth and prosperity put all other +nations to shame; and that we might, on all occasions, depend on his most +profound respect and perpetual friendship. In short, sir, all nations, far and +near, desire our alliance, are anxious to open new sources of commerce, and +entertain for us the profoundest respect, and the most inviolable esteem. You +can tell the Great Sachem that this feeling is surprisingly augmented under his +administration, and that it has at least quadrupled during my mission. If +Leaphigh would only respect its treaties, Leapthrough would cease taking our +seamen, Leapup have greater deference for the usages of good society, and the +king of Leapover would seize no more of our ships to supply his mistress with +pocket-money, our foreign relations might be considered to be without spot. As +it is, sir, they are far better off than I could have expected, or indeed had +ever hoped to see them; and of one thing you may be diplomatically certain, +that we are universally respected, and that the Leaplow name is never mentioned +without all in company rising and waving their caudae.” +</p> + +<p> +“(Signed.) JUDAS PEOPLE’S FRIEND.” +</p> + +<p> +“Hon.————-, etc.” +</p> + +<p> +“P. S. (Private.)” +</p> + +<p> +“Dear Sir:—If you publish this dispatch, omit the part where the difficulties +are repeated, I beg you will see that my name is put in with those of the other +patriots, against the periodical rotation of the little wheel, as I shall +certainly be obliged to return home soon, having consumed all my means. Indeed, +the expense of maintaining a tail, of which our people have no notion, is so +very great, that I think none of our missions should exceed a week in duration. +</p> + +<p> +“I would especially advise that the message should dilate on the subject of the +high standing of the Leaplow character in foreign nations; for, to be frank +with you, facts require that this statement should be made as often as +possible.” +</p> + +<p> +When this letter was read, the conversation reverted to religion. The brigadier +explained that the law of Leaphigh had various peculiarities on this subject, +that I do not remember to have heard of before. Thus, a monikin could not be +born without paying something to the church, a practice which early initiated +him into his duties towards that important branch of the public welfare; and, +even when he died, he left a fee behind him, for the parson, as an admonition +to those who still existed in the flesh, not to forget their obligations. He +added that this sacred interest was, in short, so rigidly protected, that, +whenever a monikin refused to be plucked for a new clerical or episcopal +mantle, there was a method of fleecing him, by the application of red-hot iron +rods, which generally singed so much of his skin, that he was commonly willing, +in the end, to let the hair-proctors pick and choose at pleasure. +</p> + +<p> +I confess I was indignant at this picture, and did not hesitate to stigmatize +the practice as barbarous. +</p> + +<p> +“Your indignation is very natural, Sir John, and is just what a stranger would +be likely to feel, when he found mercy, and charity, and brotherly love, and +virtue, and, above all, humility, made the stalking-horses of pride, +selfishness, and avarice. But this is the way with us monikins; no doubt, men +manage better.” +</p> + +</div><!--end chapter--> + +<div class="chapter"> + +<h2><a name="link2HCH0020"></a> +CHAPTER XX.<br/> +A VERY COMMON CASE: OR A GREAT DEAL OF LAW, AND VERY LITTLE JUSTICE—HEADS AND +TAILS, WITH THE DANGERS OF EACH.</h2> + +<p> +I was early with Noah on the following morning. The poor fellow, when it is +remembered that he was about to be tried for a capital offence, in a foreign +country, under novel institutions, and before a jury of a different species, +manifested a surprising degree of fortitude. Still, the love of life was strong +within him, as was apparent by the way in which he opened the discourse. +</p> + +<p> +“Did you observe how the wind was this morning, Sir John, as you came in?” the +straightforward sealer inquired, with a peculiar interest. +</p> + +<p> +“It is a pleasant gale from the southward.” +</p> + +<p> +“Right off shore! If one knew where all them blackguards of rear admirals and +post captains were to be found, I don’t think, Sir, John, that you would care +much about paying those fifty thousand promises?” +</p> + +<p> +“My recognizances?—Not in the least, my dear friend, were it not for our honor. +It would scarcely be creditable for the Walrus to sail, however, leaving an +unsettled account of her captain’s behind us. What would they say at +Stunin’tun—what would your own consort think of an act so unmanly?” +</p> + +<p> +“Why, at Stunin’tun, we think him the smartest who gets the easiest out of any +difficulty; and I don’t well see why Miss Poke should know it—or, if she did, +why she should think the worse of her husband, for saving his life.” +</p> + +<p> +“Away with these unworthy thoughts, and brace yourself to meet the trial. We +shall, at least, get some insight into the Leaphigh jurisprudence. Come, I see +you are already dressed for the occasion; let us be as prompt as duellists.” +</p> + +<p> +Noah made up his mind to submit with dignity; although he lingered in the great +square, in order to study the clouds, in a way to show he might have settled +the whole affair with the fore-topsail, had he known where to find his crew. +Fortunately for the reputations of all concerned, however, he did not; and, +discarding everything like apprehension from his countenance, the sturdy +mariner entered the Old Bailey with the tread of a man and the firmness of +innocence. I ought to have said sooner, that we had received notice early in +the morning, that the proceedings had been taken from before the pages, on +appeal, and that a new venue had been laid in the High Criminal Court of +Leaphigh. +</p> + +<p> +Brigadier Downright met us at the door; where also a dozen grave, +greasy-looking counsellors gathered about us, in a way to show that they were +ready to volunteer in behalf of the stranger, on receiving no more than the +customary fee. But I had determined to defend Noah myself (the court +consenting) for I had forebodings that our safety would depend more on an +appeal to the rights of hospitality, than on any legal defence it was in our +power to offer. As the brigadier kindly volunteered to aid me for nothing, I +thought proper not to refuse his services, however. +</p> + +<p> +I pass over the appearance of the court, the empanelling of the jury, and the +arraignment; for, in matters of mere legal forms, there is no great difference +between civilized countries, all of them wearing the same semblance of justice. +The first indictment, for unhappily there were two, charged Noah with having +committed an assault, with malice prepense, on the king’s dignity, with +“sticks, daggers, muskets, blunderbusses, air-guns, and other unlawful weapons, +more especially with the tongue, in that he had accused his majesty, face to +face, with having a memory, etc., etc.” The other indictment, repeating the +formula of the first, charged the honest sealer with feloniously accusing her +majesty the queen, “in defiance of the law, to the injury of good morals and +the peace of society, with having no memory, etc., etc.” To both these charges +the plea of “not guilty,” was entered as fast as possible, in behalf of our +client. +</p> + +<p> +I ought to have said before, that both Brigadier Downright and myself had +applied to be admitted of counsel for the accused, under an ancient law of +Leaphigh, as next of kin; I as a fellow human being, and the brigadier by +adoption. +</p> + +<p> +The preliminary forms observed, the attorney-general was about to go into +proof, in behalf of the crown, when my brother Downright arose and said that he +intended to save the precious time of the court, by admitting the facts; and +that it was intended to rest the defence altogether on the law of the case. He +presumed the jury were the judges of the law as well as of the facts, according +to the rule of Leaplow, and that “he and his brother Goldencalf were quite +prepared to show that the law was altogether with us, in this affair.” The +court received the admission, and the facts were submitted to the jury, by +consent, as proven; although the chief-justice took occasion to remark, +Longbeard dissenting, that, while the jury were certainly judges of the law, in +one sense, yet there was another sense in which they were not judges of the +law. The dissent of Baron Longbeard went to maintain that while the jury were +the judges of the law in the “another sense” mentioned, they were not judges of +the law in the “one sense” named. This difficulty disposed of, Mr. +Attorney-General arose and opened for the crown. +</p> + +<p> +I soon found that we had one of a very comprehensive and philosophical turn of +mind against us, in the advocate of the other side. He commenced his argument +by a vigorous and lucid sketch of the condition of the world previously to the +subdivisions of its different inhabitants into nations, and tribes, and clans, +while in the human or chrysalis condition. From this statement, he deduced the +regular gradations by which men become separated into communities, and +subjected to the laws of civilization, or what is called society. Having +proceeded thus far, he touched lightly on the different phases that the +institutions of men had presented, and descended gradually and consecutively to +the fundamental principles of the social compact, as they were known to exist +among monikins. After a few general observations that properly belonged to the +subject, he came to speak of those portions of the elementary principles of +society that are connected with the rights of the sovereign. These he divided +into the rights of the king’s prerogative, the rights of the king’s person, and +the rights of the king’s conscience. Here he again generalized a little, and in +a very happy manner; so well, indeed, as to leave all his hearers in doubt as +to what he would next be at; when, by a fierce logical swoop, he descended +suddenly on the last of the king’s rights, as the one that was most connected +with the subject. +</p> + +<p> +He triumphantly showed that the branch of the royal immunities that was chiefly +affected by the offence of the prisoner at the bar, was very clearly connected +with the rights of the king’s conscience. “The attributes of royalty,” observed +the sagacious advocate, “are not to be estimated in the same manner as the +attributes of the subject. In the sacred person of the king are centred many, +if not most, of the interesting privileges of monikinism. That royal personage, +in apolitical sense, can do no wrong: official infallibility is the +consequence. Such a being has no occasion for the ordinary faculties of the +monikin condition. Of what use, for instance, is a judgment, or a conscience, +to a functionary who can do no wrong? The law, in order to relieve one on whose +shoulders was imposed the burden of the state, had consequently placed the +latter especially in the keeping of another. His majesty’s first-cousin is the +keeper of his conscience, as is known throughout the realm of Leaphigh. A +memory is the faculty of the least account to a personage who has no +conscience; and, while it is not contended that the sovereign is relieved from +the possession of his memory by any positive statute law, or direct +constitutional provision, it follows, by unavoidable implication, and by all +legitimate construction, that, having no occasion to possess such a faculty, it +is the legal presumption he is altogether without it. +</p> + +<p> +“That simplicity, lucidity and distinctness, my lords,” continued Mr. +Attorney-General, “which are necessary to every well-ordered mind, would be +impaired, in the case of his majesty, were his intellectual faculties +unnecessarily crowded in this useless manner, and the state would be the +sufferer. My lords, the king reigns, but he does not govern. This is a +fundamental principle of the constitution; nay, it is more—it is the palladium +of our liberties! My lords, it is an easy matter to reign in Leaphigh. It +requires no more than the rights of primogeniture, sufficient discretion to +understand the distinction between reigning and governing, and a political +moderation that is unlikely to derange the balance of the state. But it is +quite a different thing to govern. His majesty is required to govern nothing, +the slight interests just mentioned excepted; no, not even himself. The case is +far otherwise with his first-cousin. This high functionary is charged with the +important trust of governing. It had been found, in the early ages of the +monarchy, that one conscience, or indeed one set of faculties generally, +scarcely sufficed for him whose duty it was both to reign and to govern. We all +know, my lords, how insufficient for our personal objects are our own private +faculties; how difficult we find it to restrain even ourselves, assisted merely +by our own judgments, consciences, and memories; and in this fact do we +perceive the great importance of investing him who governs others, with an +additional set of these grave faculties. Under a due impression of the exigency +of such a state of things, the common law—not statute law, my lords, which is +apt to be tainted with the imperfections of monikin reason in its isolated or +individual state, usually bearing the impress of the single cauda from which it +emanated—but the common law, the known receptacle of all the common sense of +the nation—in such a state of things, then, has the common law long since +decreed that his majesty’s first-cousin should be the keeper of his majesty’s +conscience; and, by necessary legal implication, endowed with his majesty’s +judgment, his majesty’s reason, and finally, his majesty’s memory. +</p> + +<p> +“My lords, this is the legal presumption. It would, in addition, be easy for me +to show, in a thousand facts, that not only the sovereign of Leaphigh, but most +other sovereigns, are and ever have been, destitute of the faculty of a memory. +It might be said to be incompatible with the royal condition to be possessed of +this obtrusive faculty. Were a prince endowed with a memory, he might lose +sight of his high estate, in the recollection that he was born, and that he is +destined, like another, to die; he might be troubled with visions of the past; +nay, the consciousness of his very dignity might be unsettled and weakened by a +vivid view of the origin of his royal race. Promises, obligations, attachments, +duties, principles, and even debts, might interfere with the due discharge of +his sacred trusts, were the sovereign invested with a memory; and it has, +therefore, been decided, from time immemorial, that his majesty is utterly +without the properties of reason, judgment, and memory, as a legitimate +inference from his being destitute of a conscience.” +</p> + +<p> +Mr. Attorney-General now directed the attention of the court and jury to a +statute of the 3d of Firstborn 6th, by which it was enacted that any person +attributing to his majesty the possession of any faculty, with felonious +intent, that might endanger the tranquillity of the state, should suffer +decaudization, without benefit of clergy. Here he rested the case on behalf of +the crown. +</p> + +<p> +There was a solemn pause, after the speaker had resumed his seat. His argument, +logic, and above all, his good sense and undeniable law, made a very sensible +impression; and I had occasion to observe that Noah began to chew tobacco +ravenously. After a decent interval, however, Brigadier Downright—who, it would +seem, in spite of his military appellation, was neither more nor less than a +practising attorney and counsellor in the city of Bivouac, the commercial +capital of the Republic of Leaplow—arose, and claimed a right to be heard in +reply. The court now took it into its head to start the objection, for the +first time, that the advocate had not been duly qualified to plead, or to +argue, at their bar. My brother Downright instantly referred their lordships to +the law of adoption, and to that provision of the criminal code which permitted +the accused to be heard by his next of kin. +</p> + +<p> +“Prisoner at the bar,” said the chief-justice, “you hear the statement of +counsel. Is it your desire to commit the management of your defence to your +next of kin?” +</p> + +<p> +“To anybody, your honors, if the court please,” returned Noah, furiously +masticating his beloved weed; “to anybody who will do it well, my honorables, +and do it cheap.” +</p> + +<p> +“And do you adopt, under the provisions of the statute in such cases made and +provided, Aaron Downright as one of your next of kin, and if so, in what +capacity?” +</p> + +<p> +“I do—I do—my lords and your honors—I do, body and soul—if you please, I adopt +the brigadier as my father; and my fellow human being and tried friend, Sir +John Goldencalf, here, I adopt him as my mother.” +</p> + +<p> +The court now formally assenting, the facts were entered of record, and my +brother Downright was requested to proceed with the defence. +</p> + +<p> +The counsel for the prisoner, like Dandin, in Racine’s comedy of Les Plaideurs, +was disposed to pass over the deluge, and to plunge instantly into the core of +his subject. He commenced with a review of the royal prerogatives, and with a +definition of the words “to reign.” Referring to the dictionary of the academy, +he showed triumphantly, that to reign, was no other than to “govern as a +sovereign”; while to govern, in the familiar signification, was no more than to +govern in the name of a prince, or as a deputy. Having successfully established +this point, he laid down the position, that the greater might contain the less, +but that the less could not possibly contain the greater. That the right to +reign, or to govern, in the generic signification of the term, must include all +the lawful attributes of him who only governed, in the secondary signification; +and that, consequently, the king not only reigned, but governed. He then +proceeded to show that memory was indispensable to him who governed, since, +without one he could neither recollect the laws, make a suitable disposition of +rewards and punishments, nor, in fact, do any other intelligent or necessary +act. Again, it was contended that by the law of the land the king’s conscience +was in the keeping of his first-cousin. Now, in order that the king’s +conscience should be in such keeping, it was clear that he must HAVE a +conscience, since a nonentity could not be in keeping, or even put in +commission; and, having a conscience, it followed, ex necessitate rei, that he +must have the attributes of a conscience, of which memory formed one of the +most essential features. Conscience was defined to be “the faculty by which we +judge of the goodness or wickedness of our own actions. (See Johnson’s +Dictionary, page 162, letter C. London edition. Rivington, publisher.) Now, in +what manner can one judge of the goodness or wickedness of his acts, or of +those of any other person, if he knows nothing about them? and how can he know +anything of the past, unless endowed with the faculty of a memory?” +</p> + +<p> +Again; it was a political corollary from the institutions of Leaphigh, that the +king could do no wrong— +</p> + +<p> +“I beg your pardon, my brother Downright,” interrupted the chief-justice, “it +is not a corollary, but a proposition—and one, too, that is held to be +demonstrated. It is the paramount law of the land.” +</p> + +<p> +“I thank you, my lord,” continued the brigadier, “as your lordship’s high +authority makes my case so much the stronger. It is, then, settled law, gentle +monikins of the jury, that the sovereign of this realm can do no wrong. It is +also settled law—their lordships will correct me, if I misstate—it is also +settled law that the sovereign is the fountain of honor, that he can make war +and peace, that he administers justice, sees the laws executed—” +</p> + +<p> +“I beg your pardon, again, brother Downright,” interrupted the chief-justice. +“This is not the law, but the prerogative. It is the king’s prerogative to be +and do all this, but it is very far from being law.” +</p> + +<p> +“Am I to understand, my lord, that the court makes a distinction between that +which is prerogative, and that which is law?” +</p> + +<p> +“Beyond a doubt, brother Downright! If all that is prerogative was also law, we +could not get on an hour.” +</p> + +<p> +“Prerogative, if your lordship pleases, or prerogativa, is defined to be ‘an +exclusive or peculiar privilege.’ (Johnson. Letter P, page 139, fifth clause +from bottom; edition as aforesaid. Speaking slow, in order to enable Baron +Longbeard to make his notes.) Now, an exclusive privilege, I humbly urge, must +supersede all enactments, and—” +</p> + +<p> +“Not at all, sir—not at all, sir—not at all, sir,” put in my lord +chief-justice, dogmatically-looking out of the window at the clouds, in a way +to show that his mind was quite made up. “Not at all, good sir. The king has +his prerogatives, beyond a question; and they are sacred—a part of the +constitution. They are, moreover, exclusive and peculiar, as stated by Johnson; +but their exclusiveness and peculiarity are not to be constructed in the vulgar +acceptations. In treating of the vast interests of a state, the mind must take +a wide range; and I hold, brother Longbeard, there is no principle more settled +than the fact, that prerogativa is one thing, and lex, or the law, another.” +The baron bowed assent. “By exclusion, in this case, is meant that the +prerogative touches only his majesty. The prerogative is exclusively his +property, and he may do what he pleases with it; but the law is made for the +nation, and is altogether a different matter. Again: by peculiar, is clearly +meant peculiarity, or that this case is analogous to no other, and must be +reasoned on by the aid of a peculiar logic. No, sir—the king can make peace and +war, it is true, under his prerogative; but then his conscience is hard and +fast in the keeping of another, who alone can perform all legal acts.” +</p> + +<p> +“But, my lord, justice, though administered by others, is still administered in +the king’s name.” +</p> + +<p> +“No doubt, in his name: this is a part of the peculiar privilege. War is made +in his majesty’s name, too—so is peace. What is war? It is the personal +conflicts between bodies of men of different nations. Does his majesty engage +in these conflicts? Certainly not. The war is maintained by taxes. Does his +majesty pay them? No. Thus we see that while the war is constitutionally the +king’s, it is practically the people’s. It follows, as a corollary—since you +quote corollaries, brother Downright—that there are two wars—or the war of the +prerogative, and the war of the fact. Now, the prerogative is a constitutional +principle—a very sacred one, certainly—but a fact is a thing that comes home to +every monikin’s fireside; and therefore the courts have decided, ever since the +reign of Timid II., or ever since they dared, that the prerogative was one +thing, and the law another.” +</p> + +<p> +My brother Downright seemed a good deal perplexed by the distinctions of the +court, and he concluded much sooner than he otherwise would have done; summing +up the whole of his arguments, by showing, or attempting to show, that if the +king had even these peculiar privileges, and nothing else, he must be supposed +to have a memory. +</p> + +<p> +The court now called upon the attorney-general to reply; but that person +appeared to think his case strong enough as it was, and the matter, by +agreement, was submitted to the jury, after a short charge from the bench. +</p> + +<p> +“You are not to suffer your intellects to be confused, gentlemonikins, by the +argument of the prisoner’s counsel,” concluded the chief-justice. “He has done +his duty, and it remains for you to be equally conscientious. You are, in this +case, the judges of the law and the fact; but it is a part of my functions to +inform you what they both are. By the law, the king is supposed to have no +faculties. The inference drawn by counsel, that, not being capable of erring, +the king must have the highest possible moral attributes, and consequently a +memory, is unsound. The constitution says his majesty CAN do no wrong. This +inability may proceed from a variety of causes. If he can do NOTHING, for +instance, he can do no wrong. The constitution does not say that the sovereign +WILL do no wrong—but, that he CAN do no wrong. Now, gentlemonikins, when a +thing cannot be done, it becomes impossible; and it is, of course, beyond the +reach of argument. It is of no moment whether a person has a memory, if he +cannot use it, and, in such a case, the legal presumption is, that he is +without a memory; for, otherwise, nature, who is ever wise and beneficent, +would be throwing away her gifts. +</p> + +<p> +“Gentlemonikins, I have already said you are the judges, in this case, of both +the law and the fact. The fate of the prisoner is in your hands. God forbid +that it should be, in any manner, influenced by me; but this is an offence +against the king’s dignity, and the security of the realm; the law is against +the prisoner, the facts are all against the prisoner, and I do not doubt that +your verdict will be the spontaneous decision of your own excellent judgments, +and of such a nature as will prevent the necessity of our ordering a new +trial.” +</p> + +<p> +The jurors put their tails together, and in less than a minute, their +foremonikin rendered a verdict of guilty. Noah sighed, and took a fresh supply +of tobacco. +</p> + +<p> +The case of the queen was immediately opened by her majesty’s attorney-general; +the prisoner having been previously arraigned, and a plea entered of “not +guilty.” +</p> + +<p> +The queen’s advocate made a bitter attack on the animus of the unfortunate +prisoner. He described her majesty as a paragon of excellences; as the +depositary of all the monikin virtues, and the model of her sex. “If she, who +was so justly celebrated for the gifts of charity, meekness, religion, justice, +and submission to feminine duties, had no memory,” he asked leave to demand, in +the name of God, who had? “Without a memory, in what manner was this +illustrious personage to recall her duties to her royal consort, her duties to +her royal offspring, her duties to her royal self? Memory was peculiarly a +royal attribute; and without its possession no one could properly be deemed of +high and ancient lineage. Memory referred to the past, and the consideration +due to royalty was scarcely ever a present consideration, but a consideration +connected with the past. We venerated the past. Time was divided into the past, +present, and future. The past was invariably a monarchical interest—the present +was claimed by republicans—the future belonged to fate. If it were decided that +the queen had no memory, we should strike a blow at royalty. It was by memory, +as connected with the public archives, that the king derived his title to his +throne; it was by memory, which recalled the deeds of his ancestors, that he +became entitled to our most profound respect.” +</p> + +<p> +In this manner did the queen’s attorney-general speak for about an hour, when +he gave way to the counsel for the prisoner. But, to my great surprise, for I +knew that this accusation was much the gravest of the two, since the head of +Noah would be the price of conviction, my brother Downright, instead of making +a very ingenious reply, as I had fully anticipated, merely said a few words, in +which he expressed so firm a confidence in the acquittal of his client, as to +appear to think a further defence altogether unnecessary. He had no sooner +seated himself, than I expressed a strong dissatisfaction with this course, and +avowed an intention to make an effort in behalf of my poor friend, myself. +</p> + +<p> +“Keep silence, Sir John,” whispered my brother Downright; “the advocate who +makes many unsuccessful applications gets to be disrespected. I charge myself +with the care of the lord high admiral’s interests; at the proper time they +shall be duly attended to.” +</p> + +<p> +Having the profoundest respect for the brigadier’s legal attainments, and no +great confidence in my own, I was fain to submit. In the meantime, the business +of the court proceeded; and the jury, having received a short charge from the +bench, which was quite as impartial as a positive injunction to convict could +very well be, again rendered the verdict of “guilty.” +</p> + +<p> +In Leaphigh, although it is deemed indecent to wear clothes, it is also +esteemed exceedingly decorous for certain high functionaries to adorn their +persons with suitable badges of their official rank. We have already had an +account of the hierarchy of tails, and a general description of the mantle +composed of tenth-hairs; but I had forgotten to say that both my lord +chief-justice and Baron Longbeard had tail-cases made of the skins of deceased +monikins, which gave the appearance of greater development to their +intellectual organs, and most probably had some influence in the way of +coddling their brains, which required great care and attention on account of +incessant use. They now drew over these tail-cases a sort of box-coat of a very +bloodthirsty color, which, we were given to understand, was a sign that they +were in earnest, and about to pronounce sentence; justice in Leaphigh being of +singularly bloodthirsty habits. +</p> + +<p> +“Prisoner at the bar,” the chief-justice began, in a voice of reproof, “you +have heard the decision of your peers. You have been arraigned and tried on the +heinous charge of having accused the sovereign of this realm of being in +possession of the faculty called ‘a memory,’ thereby endangering the peace of +society, unsettling the social relations, and setting a dangerous example of +insubordination and of contempt of the laws. Of this crime, after a singularly +patient and impartial hearing, you have been found guilty. The law allows the +court no discretion in the case. It is my duty to pass sentence forthwith; and +I now solemnly ask you, if you have anything to say why sentence of +decaudization should not be pronounced against you.” Here the chief-justice +took just time enough to gape, and then proceeded—“You are right in throwing +yourself altogether on the mercy of the court, which better knows what is +fittest for you, than you can possibly know for yourself. You will be taken, +Noah Poke, or No. 1, sea-water-color, forthwith, to the centre of the public +square, between the hours of sunrise and sunset of this day, where your cauda +will be cut off; and after it has been divided into four parts, a part will be +exposed towards each of the cardinal points of the compass; and the brush +thereof being consumed by fire, the ashes will be thrown into your face, and +this without benefit of clergy. And may the Lord have mercy on your soul!” +</p> + +<p> +“Noah Poke, or No. 1, sea-water-color,” put in Baron Longbeard, without giving +the culprit breathing-time, “you have been indicted, tried, and found guilty of +the enormous crime of charging the queen-consort of this realm of being wanting +in the ordinary, important, and every-day faculty of a memory. Have you +anything to say why sentence should not be forthwith passed against you? No; I +am sure you are very right in throwing yourself altogether on the mercy of the +court, which is quite disposed to show you all that is in its power, which +happens, in this case, to be none at all. I need not dwell on the gravity of +your offence. If the law should allow that the queen has no memory, other +females might put in claims to the same privilege, and society would become a +chaos. Marriage vows, duties, affections, and all our nearest and dearest +interests would be unhinged, and this pleasant state of being would degenerate +into a moral, or rather an immoral pandemonium. Keeping in view these +all-important considerations, and more especially the imperativeness of the +law, which does not admit of discretion, the court sentences you to be carried +hence, without delay, to the centre of the great square, where your head will +be severed from your body by the public executioner, without benefit of clergy; +after which your remains are to be consigned to the public hospitals for the +purposes of dissection.” +</p> + +<p> +The words were scarcely out of Baron Longbeard’s mouth, before both the +attorneys-general started up, to move the court in behalf of the separate +dignities of their respective principals. Mr. Attorney-General of the crown +prayed the court so far to amend its sentence, as to give precedency to the +punishment on account of the offence against the king; and Mr. Attorney-General +for the queen, to pray the court it would not be so far forgetful of her +majesty’s rights and dignity, as to establish a precedent so destructive of +both. I caught a glimpse of hope glancing about the eyes of my brother +Downright, who, waiting just long enough to let the two advocates warm +themselves over these points of law, arose and moved the court for a stay of +execution, on the plea that neither sentence was legal—that delivered by my +lord chief-justice containing a contradiction, inasmuch as it ordered the +decaudization to take place between THE HOURS OF SUNRISE AND SUNSET, and also +FORTHWITH; and that delivered by Baron Longbeard, on account of its ordering +the body to be given up to dissection, contrary to the law, which merely made +that provision in the case of condemned MONIKINS, the prisoner at the bar being +entirely of another species. +</p> + +<p> +The court deemed all these objections serious, but decided on its own +incompetency to take cognizance of them. It was a question for the twelve +judges, who were now on the point of assembling, and to whom they referred the +whole affair on appeal. In the meantime, justice could not be stayed. The +prisoner must be carried out into the square, and matters must proceed; but, +should either of the points be finally determined in his favor, he could have +the benefit of it, so far as circumstances would then allow. Hereupon the court +rose, and the judges, counsel, and clerks repaired in a body to the hall of the +twelve judges. +</p> + +</div><!--end chapter--> + +<div class="chapter"> + +<h2><a name="link2HCH0021"></a> +CHAPTER XXI.<br/> +BETTER AND BETTER—MORE LAW AND MORE JUSTICE—TAILS AND HEADS: THE IMPORTANCE OF +KEEPING EACH IN ITS PROPER PLACE.</h2> + +<p> +Noah was incontinently transferred to the place of execution, where I promised +to meet him in time to receive his parting sigh, curiosity inducing me first to +learn the issue on the appeal. The brigadier told me in confidence, as we went +to the other hall, that the affair was now getting to be one of great interest; +that hitherto it had been mere boy’s play, but it would in future require +counsel of great reading and research to handle the arguments, and that he +flattered himself there was a good occasion likely to present itself, for him +to show what monikin reason really was. +</p> + +<p> +The whole of the twelve wore tail-cases, and altogether they presented a +formidable array of intellectual development. As the cause of Noah was admitted +to be one of more than common urgency, after hearing only three or four other +short applications on behalf of the crown, whose rights always have precedence +on such occasions, the attorney-general of the king was desired to open his +case. +</p> + +<p> +The learned counsel spoke, in anticipation, to the objections of both his +adversaries, beginning with those of my brother Downright. Forthwith, he +contended, might be at any period of the twenty-four hours, according to the +actual time of using the term. Thus, forthwith of a morning, would mean in the +morning; forthwith at noon, would mean at noon; and so on to the close of the +legal day. Moreover, in a legal signification, forthwith must mean between +sunrise and sunset, the statute commanding that all executions shall take place +by the light of the sun, and consequently the two terms ratified and confirmed +each other, instead of conveying a contradiction, or of neutralizing each +other, as would most probably be contended by the opposite counsel. +</p> + +<p> +To all this my brother Downright, as is usual on such occasions, objected +pretty much the converse. He maintained that ALL light proceeded from the sun; +and that the statute, therefore, could only mean that there should be no +executions during eclipses, a period when the whole monikin race ought to be +occupied in adoration. Forthwith, moreover, did not necessarily mean forthwith, +for forthwith meant immediately; and “between sunrise and sunset” meant between +sunrise and sunset; which might be immediately, or might not. +</p> + +<p> +On this point the twelve judges decided, firstly, that forthwith did not mean +forthwith; secondly, that forthwith did mean forthwith; thirdly, that forthwith +had two legal meanings; fourthly, that it was illegal to apply one of these +legal meanings to a wrong legal purpose; and fifthly, that the objection was of +no avail, as respected the case of No. 1, sea-water-color. Ordered, therefore, +that the criminal lose his tail forthwith. +</p> + +<p> +The objection to the other sentence met with no better fate. Men and monikins +did not differ more than some men differed from other men, or some monikins +differed from other monikins. Ordered, that the sentence be confirmed, with +costs. I thought this decision the soundest of the two; for I had often had +occasion to observe, that there were very startling points of resemblance +between monkeys and our own species. +</p> + +<p> +The contest now commenced between the two attorneys-general in earnest; and, as +the point at issue was a question of mere rank, it excited a lively—I may say +an engrossing—interest in all the hearers. It was settled, however, after a +vigorous discussion, in favor of the king, whose royal dignity the twelve +judges were unanimously of opinion was entitled to precedency over that of the +queen. To my great surprise, my brother Downright volunteered an argument on +this intricate point, making an exceedingly clever speech in favor of the +king’s dignity, as was admitted by every one who heard it. It rested chiefly on +the point that the ashes of the tail were, by the sentence, to be thrown into +the culprit’s face. It is true this might be done physically after +decapitation, but it could not be done morally. This part of the punishment was +designed for a moral effect; and to produce that effect, consciousness and +shame were both necessary. Therefore the moral act of throwing the ashes into +the face of the criminal could only be done while he was living, and capable of +being ashamed. +</p> + +<p> +Meditation, chief-justice, delivered the opinion of the bench. It contained the +usual amount of legal ingenuity and logic, was esteemed as very eloquent in +that part which touched on the sacred and inviolable character of the royal +prerogatives (prerogativae as he termed them), and was so lucid in pointing out +the general inferiority of the queen-consort, that I felt happy her majesty was +not present to hear herself and sex undervalued. As might have been expected, +it allowed great weight to the distinction taken by the brigadier. The decision +was in the following words, viz.: “Rex et Regina versus No. 1, sea-water-color: +ordered, that the officers of justice shall proceed forthwith to decaudizate +the defendant before they decapitate him; provided he has not been forthwith +decapitated before he can be decaudizated.” +</p> + +<p> +The moment this mandamus was put into the hands of the proper officer, +Brigadier Downright caught me by the knee, and led me out of the hall of +justice, as if both out lives depended on our expedition. I was about to +reproach him for having volunteered to aid the king’s attorney-general, when, +seizing me by the root of the tail, for the want of a button-hole, he said, +with evident satisfaction: +</p> + +<p> +“Affairs go on swimmingly, my dear Sir John! I do not remember to have been +employed, for some years, in a more interesting litigation. Now this cause, +which, no doubt, you think is drawing to a close, has just reached its pivot, +or turning-point; and I see every prospect of extricating our client with great +credit to myself.” +</p> + +<p> +“How! my brother Downright!” I interrupted; “the accused is finally sentenced, +if not actually executed!” +</p> + +<p> +“Not so fast, my good Sir John—not so fast, by any means. Nothing is final in +law, while there is a farthing to meet the costs, or the criminal can yet gasp. +I hold our case to be in an excellent way; much better than I have deemed it at +any time since the accused was arraigned.” +</p> + +<p> +Surprise left me no other power than that which was necessary to demand an +explanation. +</p> + +<p> +“All depends on the single fact, dear sir,” continued my brother Downright, +“whether the head is still on the body of the accused or not. Do you proceed, +as fast as possible, to the place of execution; and, should our client still +have a head, keep up his spirits by a proper religious discourse, always +preparing him for the worst, for this is no more than wisdom; but, the instant +his tail is separated from his body, run hither as fast as you can, to apprise +me of the fact. I ask but two things of you—speed in coming with the news, and +perfect certainty that the tail is not yet attached to the rest of the frame, +by even a hair. A hair often turns the scales of justice!” +</p> + +<p> +“The case seems desperate—would it not be as well for me to run down to the +palace, at once; demand an audience of their majesties, throw myself on my +knees before the royal pair, and implore a pardon?” +</p> + +<p> +“Your project is impracticable, for three sufficient reasons: firstly, there is +not time; secondly, you would not be admitted without a special appointment; +thirdly, there is neither a king nor a queen!” +</p> + +<p> +“No king in Leaphigh!” +</p> + +<p> +“I have said it.” +</p> + +<p> +“Explain yourself, brother Downright, or I shall be obliged to refute what you +say, by the evidence of my own senses.” +</p> + +<p> +“Your senses will prove to be false witnesses then. Formerly there was a king +in Leaphigh, and one who governed, as well as reigned. But the nobles and +grandees of the country, deeming it indecent to trouble his majesty with +affairs of state any longer, took upon themselves all the trouble of governing, +leaving to the sovereign the sole duty of reigning. This was done in a way to +save his feelings, under the pretence of setting up a barrier to the physical +force and abuses of the mass. After a time, it was found inconvenient and +expensive to feed and otherwise support the royal family, and all its members +were privately shipped to a distant region, which had not yet got to be so far +advanced in civilization, as to know how to keep up a monarchy without a +monarch.” +</p> + +<p> +“And does Leaphigh succeed in effecting this prodigy?” +</p> + +<p> +“Wonderfully well. By means of decapitations and decaudizations enough, even +greater exploits may be performed.” +</p> + +<p> +“But am I to understand literally, brother Downright, there is no such thing as +a monarch in this country?” +</p> + +<p> +“Literally.” +</p> + +<p> +“And the presentations?” +</p> + +<p> +“Are like these trials, to maintain the monarchy.” +</p> + +<p> +“And the crimson curtains?—” +</p> + +<p> +“Conceal empty seats.” +</p> + +<p> +“Why not, then, dispense with so much costly representation?” +</p> + +<p> +“In what way could the grandees cry out that the throne is in danger, if there +were no throne? It is one thing to have no monarch, and another to have no +throne. But all this time our client is in great jeopardy. Hasten, therefore, +and be particular to act as I have just instructed you.” +</p> + +<p> +I stopped to hear no more, but in a minute was flying towards the centre of the +square. It was easy enough to perceive the tail of my friend waving over the +crowd; but grief and apprehension had already rendered his countenance so +rueful, that, at the first glance, I did not recognize his head. He was, +however, still in the body; for, luckily for himself, and more especially for +the success of his principal counsel, the gravity of his crimes had rendered +unusual preparations necessary for the execution. As the mandate of the court +had not yet arrived—justice being as prompt in Leaphigh as her ministers are +dilatory—two blocks were prepared, and the culprit was about to get down on his +hands and knees between them, just as I forced my way through the crowd to his +side. +</p> + +<p> +“Ah! Sir John, this is an awful predicament!” exclaimed the rebuked Noah; “a +ra’ally awful situation for a human Christian to have his enemies lying athwart +both bows and starn!” +</p> + +<p> +“While there is life there is hope; but it is always best to be prepared for +the worst—he who is thus prepared never can meet with a disagreeable surprise. +Messrs. Executioners”—for there were two, that of the king, and that of the +queen, or one at each end of the unhappy criminal—“Messrs. Executioners, I pray +you to give the culprit a moment to arrange his thoughts, and to communicate +his last requests in behalf of his distant family and friends!” +</p> + +<p> +To this reasonable petition neither of the higher functionaries of the law made +any objection, although both insisted if they did not forthwith bring the +culprit to the last stages of preparation, they might lose their places. They +did not see, however, but a man might pause for a moment on the brink of the +grave. It would seem that there had been a little misunderstanding between the +executioners themselves on the point of precedency, which had been one cause of +the delay, and which had been disposed of by an arrangement that both should +operate at the same instant. Noah was now brought down to his hands and knees, +“moored head and starn,” as that unfeeling blackguard Bob, who was in the +crowd, expressed it, between the two blocks, his neck lying on one and his tail +on the other. While in this edifying attitude, I was permitted to address him. +</p> + +<p> +“It may be well to bethink you of your soul, my dear captain,” I said; “for, to +speak truth, these axes have a very prompt and sanguinary appearance.” +</p> + +<p> +“I know it, Sir John, I know it; and, not to mislead you, I will own that I +have been repenting with all my might, ever since that first vardict. That +affair of the lord high admiral, in particular, has given me a good deal of +consarn; and I now humbly ask your pardon for being led away by such a +miserable deception, which is all owing to that riptyle Dr. Reasono, who, I +hope, will yet meet with his desarts. I forgive everybody, and hope everybody +will forgive me. As for Miss Poke, it will be a hard case; for she is +altogether past expecting another consort, and she must be satisfied to be a +relic the rest of her days.” +</p> + +<p> +“Repentance, repentance, my dear Noah—repentance is the one thing needful for a +man in your extremity.” +</p> + +<p> +“I do—I do, Sir John, body and soul—I repent, from the bottom of my heart, ever +having come on this v’y’ge—nay, I don’t know but I repent ever having come +outside of Montauk Point. I might, at this moment, have been a school-master or +a tavern-keeper in Stunnin’tun; and they are both good wholesome berths, +particularly the last. Lord love you! Sir John, if repentance would do any +good, I should be pardoned on the spot.” +</p> + +<p> +Here Noah caught a glimpse of Bob grinning in the crowd, and he asked of the +executioners, as a last favor, that they would have the boy brought near, that +he might take an affectionate leave of him. This reasonable request was +complied with, despite of poor Bob’s struggles; and the youngster had quite as +good reasons for hearty repentance as the culprit himself. Just at this trying +moment the mandate for the order of the punishments arrived, and the officials +seriously declared that the condemned must be prepared to meet his fate. +</p> + +<p> +The unflinching manner in which Captain Poke submitted to the mortal process of +decaudization extracted plaudits from, and awakened sympathy in every monikin +present. Having satisfied myself that the tail was actually separated from the +body, I ran, as fast as legs could carry me, towards the hall of the twelve +judges. My brother Downright, who was impatiently expecting my appearance, +instantly arose and moved the bench to issue a mandamus for a stay of execution +in the case of “Regina versus Noah Poke, or No. 1, sea-water-color. By the +statute of the 2d of Longevity and Flirtilla, it was enacted, my lords,” put in +the brigadier, “that in no case shall a convicted felon suffer loss of life, or +limb, while it can be established that he is non compos mentis. This is also a +rule, my lords, of common law—but being common sense and common monikinity, it +has been thought prudent to enforce it by an especial enactment. I presume Mr. +Attorney-General for the queen will scarcely dispute the law of the case—” +</p> + +<p> +“Not at all, my lords—though I have some doubts as to the fact. The fact +remains to be established,” answered the other, taking snuff. +</p> + +<p> +“The fact is certain, and will not admit of cavil. In the case of Rex versus +Noah Poke, the court ordered the punishment of decaudization to take precedence +of that of decapitation, in the case of Regina versus the same. Process had +been issued from the bench to that effect; the culprit has, in consequence, +lost his cauda, and with it his reason; a creature without reason has always +been held to be non compos mentis, and by the law of the land is not liable to +the punishments of life or limb.” +</p> + +<p> +“Your law is plausible, my brother Downright,” observed my lord chief-justice, +“but it remains for the bench to be put in possession of the facts. At the next +term, you will perhaps be better prepared—” +</p> + +<p> +“I pray you, my lord, to remember that this is a case which will not admit of +three months’ delay.” +</p> + +<p> +“We can decide the principle a year hence, as well as to-day; and we have now +sat longer in banco,” looking at his watch, “than is either usual, agreeable, +or expedient.” +</p> + +<p> +“But, my lords, the proof is at hand. Here is a witness to establish that the +cauda of Noah Poke, the defendant of record, has actually been separated from +his body—” +</p> + +<p> +“Nay—nay—my brother Downright, a barrister of your experience must know that +the twelve can only take evidence on affidavit. If you had an affidavit +prepared, we might possibly find time to hear it, before we adjourn; as it is, +the affair must lie over to another sitting.” +</p> + +<p> +I was now in a cold sweat, for I could distinctly scent the peculiar odor of +the burning tail; the ashes of which being fairly thrown into Noah’s face, +there remained no further obstacle to the process of decapitation—the sentence, +it will be remembered, having kept his countenance on his shoulders expressly +for that object. My brother Downright, however, was not a lawyer to be defeated +by so simple a stumbling-block. Seizing a paper that was already written over +in a good legal hand, which happened to be lying before him, he read it, +without pause or hesitation, in the following manner: +</p> + +<p> +“Regina versus Noah Poke.” +</p> + +<p> +“Kingdom of Leaphigh, Season of Nuts, {Personally this fourth day of the Moon.} +appeared before me, Meditation, Lord Chief-Justice of the Court of King’s +Bench, John Goldencalf, baronet, of the Kingdom of Great Britain, who, being +duly sworn, doth depose and say, viz., that he, the said deponent, was present +at, and did witness, the decaudization of the defendant in this suit, and that +the tail of the said Noah Poke, or No. 1, sea-water-color, hath been truly and +physically separated from his body. +</p> + +<p> +“—And further this deponent sayeth not. Signature, etc.” +</p> + +<p> +Having read, in the most fluent manner, the foregoing affidavit, which existed +only in his own brain, my brother Downright desired the court to take my +deposition to its truth. +</p> + +<p> +“John Goldencalf, baronet,” said the chief-justice, “you have heard what has +just been read; do you swear to its truth?” +</p> + +<p> +“I do.” +</p> + +<p> +Here the affidavit was signed by both my lord chief-justice and myself, and it +was duly put on file. I afterwards learned that the paper used by my brother +Downright on this memorable occasion was no other than the notes which the +chief-justice himself had taken on one of the arguments in the case in +question, and that, seeing the names and title of the cause, besides finding it +no easy matter to read his own writing, that high officer of the crown had, +very naturally, supposed that all was right. As to the rest of the bench, they +were in too great a hurry to go to dinner, to stop and read affidavits, and the +case was instantly disposed of, by the following decision: +</p> + +<p> +“Regina versus Noah Poke, etc. Ordered, that the culprit be considered non +compos mentis, and that he be discharged, on finding security to keep the peace +for the remainder of his natural life.” +</p> + +<p> +An officer was instantly dispatched to the great square with this reprieve, and +the court rose. I delayed a little in order to enter into the necessary +recognizances in behalf of Noah, taking up at the same time the bonds given the +previous night, for his appearance to answer to the indictments. These forms +being duly complied with, my brother Downright and myself repaired to the place +of execution, in order to congratulate our client—the former justly elated with +his success, which he assured me was not a little to the credit of his own +education. +</p> + +<p> +We found Noah surprisingly relieved by his liberation from the hands of the +Philistines; nor was he at all backwards in expressing his satisfaction at the +unexpected turn things had taken. According to his account of the matter, he +did not set a higher value on his head than another; still, it was convenient +to have one; had it been necessary to part with it, he made no doubt he should +have submitted to do so like a man, referring to the fortitude with which he +had borne the amputation of his cauda, as a proof of his resolution; for his +part, he should take very good care how he accused any one with having a +memory, or anything else, again, and he now saw the excellence of those wise +provisions of the laws, which cut up a criminal in order to prevent the +repetition of his offences; he did not intend to stay much longer on shore, +believing he should be less in the way of temptation on board the Walrus than +among the monikins; and, as for his own people, he was sure of soon catching +them on board again, for they had now been off their pork twenty-four hours, +and nuts were but poor grub for foremast hands, after all; philosophers might +say what they pleased about governments, but, in his opinion, the only ra’al +tyrant on ’arth was the belly; he did not remember ever to have had a struggle +with his belly—and he had a thousand—that the belly didn’t get the better; that +it would be awkward to lay down the title of lord high admiral, but it was +easier to lay down that than to lay down his head; that as for cauda, though it +was certainly agreeable to be in the fashion, he could do very well without +one, and when he got back to Stunnin’tun, should the worst come to the worst, +there was a certain saddler in the place who could give him as good a fit as +the one he had lost; that Miss Poke would have been greatly scandalized, +however, had he come home after decapitation; that it might be well to sail for +Leaplow as soon as convenient, for in that country he understood bobs were in +fashion, and he admitted that he should not like to cruise about Leaphigh, for +any great length of time, unless he could look as other people look; for his +part, he bore no one a grudge, and he freely forgave everybody but Bob, out of +whom, the Lord willing, he proposed to have full satisfaction, before the ship +should be twenty-four hours at sea, etc., etc., etc. +</p> + +<p> +Such was the general tendency of the remarks of Captain Poke, as we proceeded +towards the port, where he embarked and went on board the Walrus, with some +eagerness, having learned that our rear-admirals and post-captains had, indeed, +yielded to the calls of nature, and had all gone to their duty, swearing they +would rather be foremast Jacks in a well-victualled ship, than the king of +Leaphigh upon nuts. +</p> + +<p> +The captain had no sooner entered the boat, taking his head with him, than I +began to make my acknowledgments to my brother Downright for the able manner in +which he had defended my fellow human being; paying, at the same time, some +well-merited compliments to the ingenious and truly philosophical distinctions +of the Leaphigh system of jurisprudence. +</p> + +<p> +“Spare your thanks and your commendations, I beg of you, good Sir John,” +returned the brigadier, as we walked back towards my lodgings. “We did as well +as circumstances would allow; though our whole defence would have been upset, +had not the chief-justice very luckily been unable to read his own handwriting. +As for the principles and forms of the monikin law—for in these particulars +Leaplow is very much like Leaphigh—as you have seen them displayed in these two +suits, why, they are such as we have. I do not pretend that they are faultless; +on the contrary, I could point out improvements myself—but we get on with them +as well as we can: no doubt, among men, you have codes that will better bear +examination.” +</p> + +</div><!--end chapter--> + +<div class="chapter"> + +<h2><a name="link2HCH0022"></a> +CHAPTER XXII.<br/> +A NEOPHYTE IN DIPLOMACY—DIPLOMATIC INTRODUCTION—A CALCULATION—A SHIPMENT OF +OPINIONS—HOW TO CHOOSE AN INVOICE, WITH AN ASSORTMENT.</h2> + +<p> +I now began seriously to think of sailing for Leaplow; for, I confess, I was +heartily tired of being thought the governor of His Royal Highness Prince Bob, +and pined to be restored once more to my proper place in society. I was the +more incited to make the change by the representations of the brigadier, who +assured me that it was sufficient to come from foreign parts to be esteemed a +nobleman in Leaplow, and that I need not apprehend in his country any of the +ill-treatment I had received in the one in which I now was. After talking over +the matter, therefore, in a familiar way, we determined to repair at once to +the Leaplow legation, in order to ask for our passports, and to offer, at the +same time, to carry any dispatches that Judge People’s Friend might have +prepared for his government—it being the custom of the Leaplowers to trust to +these godsends in carrying on their diplomatic correspondence. +</p> + +<p> +We found the judge in undress, and a very different figure he cut, certainly, +from that which he made when I saw him the previous night at court. Then he was +all queue; now he was all bob. He seemed glad to see us, however, and quite +delighted when I told him of the intention to sail for Leaplow, as soon as the +wind served. He instantly asked a passage for himself, with republican +simplicity. +</p> + +<p> +There was to be another turn of the great and little wheels, he said, and it +was quite important to himself to be on the spot; for, although everything was, +beyond all question, managed with perfect republican propriety, yet, somehow +(and yet he did not know exactly how, but SOMEHOW), those who are on the spot +always get the best prizes. If I could give him a passage, therefore, he would +esteem it a great personal favor; and I might depend on it, the circumstance +would be well received by the party. Although I did not very well understand +what he meant by this party, which was to view the act so kindly, I very +cheerfully told the judge that the apartments lately occupied by my lord +Chatterino and his friends were perfectly at his disposal. I was then asked +when I intended to sail; and the answer was, the instant the wind hauled, so we +could lay out of the harbor. It might be within half an hour. Hereupon Judge +People’s Friend begged I would have the goodness to wait until he could hunt up +a charge d’affaires. His instructions were most peremptory never to leave the +legation without a charge d’affaires; but he would just brush his bob, and run +into the street, and look up one in five minutes, if I would promise to wait so +long. It would have been unkind to refuse so trifling a favor, and the promise +was given. The judge must have run as fast as his legs would carry him; for, in +about ten minutes, he was back again, with a diplomatic recruit. He told me his +heart had misgiven him sadly. The three first to whom he offered the place had +plumply refused it, and, indeed, he did not know but he should have a quarrel +or two on his hands; but, at last, he had luckily found one who could get +nothing else to do, and he pinned him on the spot. +</p> + +<p> +So far everything had gone on swimmingly; but the new charge had, most +unfortunately, a very long cauda, a fashion that was inexorably proscribed by +the Leaplow usages, except in cases when the representative went to court; for +it seems the Leaplow political ethics, like your country buck, has two +dresses—one for every-day wear, and one for Sundays. The judge intimated to his +intended substitute, that it was absolutely indispensable he should submit to +an amputation, or he could not possibly confer the appointment, queues being +proscribed at home by both public opinions, the horizontal and the +perpendicular. To this the candidate objected, that he very well knew the +Leaplow usages on this head, but that he had seen his excellency himself going +to court with a singularly apparent brush; and he had supposed from that, and +from sundry other little occurrences he did not care to particularize, that the +Leaplowers were not so bigoted in their notions but they could act on the +principle of doing at Rome as is done by the Romans. To this the judge replied, +that this principle was certainly recognized in all things that were agreeable, +and that he knew, from experience, how hard it was to go in a bob, when all +around him went in cauda; but that tails were essentially anti-republican, and, +as such, had been formally voted down in Leaplow, where even the Great Sachem +did not dare to wear one, let him long for it as much as he would; and if it +were known that a public charge offended in this particular, although he might +be momentarily protected by one of the public opinions, the matter would +certainly be taken up by the opposition public opinion, and then the people +might order a new turn of the little wheel, which heaven it knew! occurred now +a great deal oftener than was either profitable or convenient. +</p> + +<p> +Hereupon the candidate deliberately undid the fastenings and removed the queue, +showing, to our admiration, that it was false, and that he was, after all +neither more nor less than a Leaplower in masquerade; which, by the way, I +afterwards learned, was very apt to be the case with a great many of that +eminently original people, when they got without the limits of their own +beloved land. Judge People’s Friend was now perfectly delighted. He told us +this was exactly what he could most have wished for. “Here is a bob,” said he, +“for the horizontals and perpendiculars, and there is a capital ready-made +cauda for his majesty and his majesty’s first-cousin! A Leaphighized Leaplower, +more especially if there be a dash of caricature about him, is the very thing +in our diplomacy.” Finding matters so much to his mind, the judge made out the +letter of appointment on the spot, and then proceeded to give his substitute +the usual instructions. +</p> + +<p> +“You are on all occasions,” he said, “to take the utmost care not to offend the +court of Leaphigh, or the meanest of the courtiers, by advancing any of our +peculiar opinions, all of which, beyond dispute, you have at your finger-ends; +on this score, you are to be so particular that you may even, in your own +person, pro tempore, abandon republicanism—yea, sacred republicanism +itself!—knowing that it can easily be resumed on your return home again. You +are to remember there is nothing so undiplomatic, or even vulgar, as to have an +opinion on any subject, unless it should be the opinion of the persons you may +happen to be in company with; and, as we have the reputation of possessing that +quality in an eminent degree, everywhere but at home, take especial heed to +eschew vulgarity—if you can. You will have the greatest care, also, to wear the +shortest bob in all your private, and the longest tail in all your public +relations, this being one of the most important of the celebrated checks and +balances of our government. Our institutions being expressly formed by the +mass, for the particular benefit of all, you will be excessively careful not to +let the claims of any one citizen, or even any set of citizens, interfere with +that harmony which it is so necessary, for the purposes of trade, to maintain +with all foreign courts; which courts being accustomed themselves to consider +their subjects as cattle, to be worked in the traces of the state, are +singularly restive whenever they hear of any individual being made of so much +importance. Should any Leaplower become troublesome on this score, give him a +bad name at once; and in order to effect that object with your own +single-minded and right-loving countrymen, swear that he is a disorganizer, +and, my life on it, both public opinions at home will sustain you; for there is +nothing on which our public opinions agree so well as the absolute deference +which they pay to foreign public opinions—and this the more especially, in all +matters that are likely to affect profits, by deranging commerce. You will, +above all things, make it a point to be in constant relations with some of the +readiest paragraph-writers of the newspapers, in order to see that facts are +properly stated at home. I would advise you to look out some foreigner, who has +never seen Leaplow, for this employment; one that is also paid to write for the +journals of Leapup, or Leapdown, or some other foreign country; by which means +you will be sure to get an impartial agent, or one who can state things in your +own way, who is already half paid for his services, and who will not be likely +to make blunders by meddling with distinctive thought. When a person of this +character is found, let him drop a line now and then in favor of your own +sagacity and patriotism; and if he should say a pleasant thing occasionally +about me, it will do no harm, but may help the little wheel to turn more +readily. In order to conceal his origin, let your paragraph-agent use the word +OUR freely; the use of this word, as you know, being the only qualification of +citizenship in Leaplow. Let him begin to spell the word O-U-R, and then proceed +to pronounce it, and be careful that he does not spell it H-O-U-R, which might +betray his origin. Above all things, you will be patriotic and republican, +avoiding the least vindication of your country and its institutions, and +satisfying yourself with saying that the latter are, at least, well suited to +the former, if you should say this in a way to leave the impression on your +hearers, that you think the former fitted for nothing else, it will be +particularly agreeable and thoroughly republican, and most eminently modest and +praiseworthy. You will find the diplomatic agents of all other states sensitive +on the point of their peculiar political usages, and prompt to defend them; but +this is a weakness you will rigidly abstain from imitating, for our polity +being exclusively based on reason, you are to show a dignified confidence in +the potency of that fundamental principle, nor in any way lessen the high +character that reason already enjoys, by giving any one cause to suspect you +think reason is not fully able to take care of itself. With these leading +hints, and your own natural tendencies, which I am glad to see are eminently +fitted for the great objects of diplomacy—being ductile, imitative, yielding, +calculating, and, above all, of a foreign disposition—I think you will be able +to get on very cleverly. Cultivate, above all things, your foreign +dispositions, for you are now on foreign duty, and your country reposes on your +shoulders and eminent talents the whole burden of its foreign interests in this +part of the world.” +</p> + +<p> +Here the judge closed his address, which was oral, apparently well satisfied +with himself and with his raw-hand in diplomacy. He then said— +</p> + +<p> +“That he would now go to court to present his substitute, and to take leave +himself; after which he would return as fast as possible, and detain us no +longer than was necessary to put his cauda in pepper, to protect it against the +moths; for heaven knew what prize he might draw in the next turn of the little +wheel!” +</p> + +<p> +We promised to meet him at the port, where a messenger just then informed us +Captain Poke had landed, and was anxiously waiting our appearance. With this +understanding we separated; the judge undertaking to redeem all our promises +paid in at the tavern, by giving his own in their stead. +</p> + +<p> +The brigadier and myself found Noah and the cook bargaining for some private +adventures with a Leaphigh broker or two, who, finding that the ship was about +to sail in ballast, were recommending their wares to the notice of these two +worthies. +</p> + +<p> +“It would be a ra’al sin, Sir John,” commenced the captain, “to neglect an +occasion like this to turn a penny. The ship could carry ten thousand +immigrants, and they say there are millions of them going over to Leaplow; or +it might stow half the goods in Aggregation. I’m resolved, at any rate, to use +my cabin privilege; and I would advise you, as owner, to look out for suthin’ +to pay port-charges with, to say the least.” +</p> + +<p> +“The idea is not a bad one, friend Poke; but, as we are ignorant of the state +of the market on the other side, it might be well to consult some inhabitant of +the country about the choice of articles. Here is the Brigadier Downright, whom +I have found to be a monikin of experience and judgment, and if you please, we +will first hear what he has to say about it.” +</p> + +<p> +“I dabble very little in merchandise,” returned the brigadier; “but, as a +general principle, I should say that no article of Leaphigh manufacture would +command so certain a market in Leaplow as opinions.” +</p> + +<p> +“Have you any of these opinions for sale?” I inquired of the broker. +</p> + +<p> +“Plenty of them, sir, and of all qualities—from the very lowest to the very +’ighest prices—those that may be had for next to nothing, to those that we +think a great deal of ourselves. We always keeps them ready packed for +exportation, and send wast invoices of them, hannually, to Leaplow in +particular. Opinions are harticles that help to sell each other; and a ship of +the tonnage of yours might stow enough, provided they were properly assorted, +to carry all before them for the season.” +</p> + +<p> +Expressing a wish to see the packages, we were immediately led into an +adjoining warehouse, where, sure enough, there were goodly lots of the +manufactures in question. I passed along the shelves, reading the inscriptions +of the different packages. Pointing to several bundles that had “Opinions on +Free Trade” written on their labels, I asked the brigadier what he thought of +that article. +</p> + +<p> +“Why, they would have done better, a year or two since, when we were settling a +new tariff; but I should think there would be less demand for them now.” +</p> + +<p> +“You are quite right, sir,” added the broker; “we did send large invoices of +them to Leaplow formerly, and they were all eagerly bought up, the moment they +arrived. A great many were dyed over again, and sold as of ’ome manufacture. +Most of these harticles are now shipped for Leapup, with whom we have +negotiations that give them a certain value.” +</p> + +<p> +“‘Opinions on Democracy, and on the Policy of Governments in General’: I should +think these would be of no use in Leaplow?” +</p> + +<p> +“Why, sir, they goes pretty much hover the whole world. We sell powers on ’em +on hour own continent, near by, and a great many do go even to Leaplow; though +what they does with ’em there, I never could say, seeing they are all +government monikins in that queer country.” +</p> + +<p> +An inquiring look extorted a clearer answer from the brigadier:— +</p> + +<p> +“To admit the fact, we have a class among us who buy up these articles with +some eagerness. I can only account for it, by supposing they think differing in +their tastes from the mass, makes them more enlightened and peculiar.” +</p> + +<p> +“I’ll take them all. An article that catches these propensities is sure of +sale. ‘Opinions on Events’: what can possibly be done with these?” +</p> + +<p> +“That depends a little on their classification,” returned the brigadier. “If +they relate to Leaplow events, while they have a certain value, they cannot be +termed of current value; but if they refer to the events of all the rest of the +earth, take them for heaven’s sake! for we trust altogether to this market for +our supplies.” +</p> + +<p> +On this hint I ordered the whole lot, trusting to dispose of the least +fashionable by aid of those that were more in vogue. +</p> + +<p> +“‘Opinions on Domestic Literature.’” +</p> + +<p> +“You may buy all he has; we use no other.” +</p> + +<p> +“‘Opinions on Continental Literature.’” +</p> + +<p> +“Why, we know little about the goods themselves—but I think a selection might +answer.” +</p> + +<p> +I ordered the bale cut in two, and took one half, at a venture. +</p> + +<p> +“‘Opinions of Leaplow Literature, From No. 1 up to No. 100.’” +</p> + +<p> +“Ah! it is proper I should explain,” put in the broker, “that we has two +varieties of them ’ere harticles. One is the true harticle, as is got up by our +great wits and philosophers, they says, on the most approved models; but the +other is nothing but a sham harticle that is really manufactured in Leaplow, +and is sent out here to get hour stamp. That’s all—I never deceives a +customer—both sell well, I hear, on the other side, ’owever.” +</p> + +<p> +I looked again at the brigadier, who quietly nodding assent, I took the whole +hundred bales. +</p> + +<p> +“‘Opinions of the Institutions of Leaphigh.’” +</p> + +<p> +“Why, them ’ere is assorted, being of all sizes, forms, and colors. They came +coastwise, and are chiefly for domestic consumption; though I have known ’em +sent to Leaplow, with success.” +</p> + +<p> +“The consumers of this article among us,” observed the brigadier, “are very +select, and rarely take any but of the very best quality. But then they are +usually so well stocked, that I question if a new importation would pay +freight. Indeed, our consumers cling very generally to the old fashions in this +article, not even admitting the changes produced by time. There was an old +manufacturer called Whiterock, who has a sort of Barlow-knife reputation among +us, and it is not easy to get another article to compete with his. Unless they +are very antiquated, I would have nothing to do with them.” +</p> + +<p> +“Yes, this is all true, sir. We still sends to Leaplow quantities of that ’ere +manufacture; and the more hantiquated the harticle, the better it sells; but +then the new fashions has a most wonderful run at ’ome.” +</p> + +<p> +“I’ll stick to the real Barlow, through thick or thin. Hunt me up a bale of his +notions; let them be as old as the flood. What have we here?—‘opinions on the +Institutions of Leaplow.’” +</p> + +<p> +“Take them,” said the brigadier, promptly. +</p> + +<p> +“This ’ere gentleman has an hidear of the state of his own market,” added the +broker, giggling. “Wast lots of these things go across yearly—and I don’t find +that any on ’em ever comes back.” +</p> + +<p> +“‘Opinions on the State of Manners and Society in Leaplow.’” +</p> + +<p> +“I believe I’ll take an interest in that article myself, Sir John, if you can +give me a ton or two between decks. Have you many of this manufacture?” +</p> + +<p> +“Lots on ’em, sir—and they DO sell so! That ’ere are a good harticle both at +’ome and abroad. My eye! how they does go off in Leaplow!” +</p> + +<p> +“This appears to be also your expectation, brigadier, by your readiness to take +an interest!” +</p> + +<p> +“To speak the truth, nothing sells better in our beloved country.” +</p> + +<p> +“Permit me to remark that I find your readiness to purchase this and the last +article, a little singular. If I have rightly comprehended our previous +conversations, you Leaplowers profess to have improved not only on the ancient +principles of polity, but on the social condition generally.” +</p> + +<p> +“We will talk of this during the passage homewards, Sir John Goldencalf; but, +by your leave, I will take a share in the investment in ‘Opinions on the State +of Society and Manners in Leaplow,’ especially if they treat at large on the +deformities of the government, while they allow us to be genteel. This is the +true notch—some of these goods have been condemned because the manufacturers +hadn’t sufficient skill in dyeing.” +</p> + +<p> +“You shall have a share, brigadier. Harkee, Mr. Broker; I take it these said +opinions come from some very well-known and approved manufactory?” +</p> + +<p> +“All sorts, sir. Some good, and some good for nothing—everything sells, +’owever. I never was in Leaplow, but we says over ’ere, that the Leaplowers +eat, and drink, and sleep on our opinions. Lord, sir, it would really do your +heart good to see the stuff, in these harticles, that they does take from us +without higgling!” +</p> + +<p> +“I presume, brigadier, that you use them as an amusement—as a means to pass a +pleasant hour, of an evening—a sort of moral segar?” +</p> + +<p> +“No, sir,” put in the broker, “they doesn’t smoke ’em, my word on’t, or they +wouldn’t buy ’em in such lots!” +</p> + +<p> +I now thought enough had been laid in on my own account, and I turned to see +what the captain was about. He was higgling for a bale marked “Opinions on the +Lost Condition of the Monikin Soul.” A little curious to know why he had made +this selection, I led him aside, and frankly put the question. +</p> + +<p> +“Why, to own the truth, Sir John,” he said, “religion is an article that sells +in every market, in some shape or other. Now, we are all in the dark about the +Leaplow tastes and usages, for I always suspect a native of the country to +which I am bound, on such a p’int; and if the things shouldn’t sell there, +they’ll at least do at Stunnin’tun. Miss Poke alone would use up what there is +in that there bale, in a twelvemonth. To give the woman her due, she’s a +desperate consumer of snuff and religion.” +</p> + +<p> +We had now pretty effectually cleared the shelves, and the cook, who had come +ashore to dispose of his slush, had not yet been able to get anything. +</p> + +<p> +“Here is a small bale as come FROM Leaplow, and a pinched little thing it is,” +said the broker, laughing; “it don’t take at all, here, and it might do to go +’ome again—at any rate, you will get the drawback. It is filled with +‘Distinctive Opinions of the Republic of Leaplow.’” The cook looked at the +brigadier, who appeared to think the speculation doubtful. Still it was +Hobson’s choice; and, after a good deal of grumbling, the doctor, as Noah +always called his cook, consented to take the “harticle,” at half the prime +cost. +</p> + +<p> +Judge People’s Friend now came trotting down to the port, thoroughly en +republican, when we immediately embarked, and in half an hour, Bob was kicked +to Noah’s heart’s content, and the Walrus was fairly under way for Leaplow. +</p> + +</div><!--end chapter--> + +<div class="chapter"> + +<h2><a name="link2HCH0023"></a> +CHAPTER XXIII.<br/> +POLITICAL BOUNDARIES—POLITICAL RIGHTS—POLITICAL SELECTIONS, AND POLITICAL +DISQUISITIONS; WITH POLITICAL RESULTS.</h2> + +<p> +The aquatic mile-stones of the monikin seas have been already mentioned; but I +believe I omitted to say, that there was a line of demarcation drawn in the +water, by means of a similar invention, to point out the limits of the +jurisdiction of each state. Thus, all within these water-marks was under the +laws of Leaphigh; all between them and those of some other country, was the +high seas; and all within those of the other country, Leaplow for instance, was +under the exclusive jurisdiction of that other country. +</p> + +<p> +With a favorable wind, the Walrus could run to the watermarks in about half a +day; from thence to the water-marks of Leaplow was two days’ sail, and another +half day was necessary to reach our haven. As we drew near the legal frontiers +of Leaphigh, several small fast-sailing schooners were seen hovering just +without the jurisdiction of the king, quite evidently waiting our approach. One +boarded us, just as the outer edge of the spanker-boom got clear of the +Leaphigh sovereignty. Judge People’s Friend rushed to the side of the ship, and +before the crew of the boat could get on deck, he had ascertained that the +usual number of prizes had been put into the little wheel. +</p> + +<p> +A monikin in a bob of a most pronounced character, or which appeared to have +been subjected to the second amputation, being what is called in Leaplow a +bob-upon-bob, now approached, and inquired if there were any emigrants on +board. He was made acquainted with our characters and objects. When he +understood that our stay would most likely be short, he was evidently a little +disappointed. +</p> + +<p> +“Perhaps, gentlemen,” he added, “you may still remain long enough to make +naturalization desirable?” +</p> + +<p> +“It is always agreeable to be at home in foreign countries—but are there no +legal objections?” +</p> + +<p> +“I see none, sir—you have no tails, I believe?” +</p> + +<p> +“None but what are in our trunks. I did not know, however, but the circumstance +of our being of a different species might throw some obstacles in the way.” +</p> + +<p> +“None in the world, sir. We act on principles much too liberal for so narrow an +objection. You are but little acquainted with the institutions and policy of +our beloved and most happy country, I see, sir. This is not Leaphigh, nor +Leapup, nor Leapdown, nor Leapover, nor Leapthrough, nor Leapunder; but good +old, hearty, liberal, free and independent, most beloved, happy, and prosperous +beyond example, Leaplow. Species is of no account under our system. We would as +soon naturalize one animal as another, provided it be a republican animal. I +see no deficiency about any of you. All we ask is certain general principles. +You go on two legs—” +</p> + +<p> +“So do turkeys, sir.” +</p> + +<p> +“Very true—but you have no feathers.” +</p> + +<p> +“Neither has a donkey.” +</p> + +<p> +“All very right, gentlemen—you do not bray, however.” +</p> + +<p> +“I will not answer for that,” put in the captain, sending his leg forwards in a +straight line, in a way to raise an outcry in Bob, that almost upset the +Leaplower’s proposition. +</p> + +<p> +“At all events, gentlemen,” he observed, “there is a test that will put the +matter at rest, at once.” +</p> + +<p> +He then desired us, in turn, to pronounce the word “our”—“OUR liberties”—“OUR +country”—“OUR firesides”—“OUR altars,” Whoever expressed a wish to be +naturalized, and could use this word in the proper manner, and in the proper +place, was entitled to be a citizen. We all did very well but the second mate, +who, being a Herefordshire man, could not, for the life of him, get any nearer +to the Doric, in the latter shibboleth, than “our halters.” Now, it would seem +that, in carrying out a great philanthropic principle in Leaplow, halters had +been proscribed; for, whenever a rogue did anything amiss, it had been +discovered that, instead of punishing him for the offence, the true way to +remedy the evil was to punish the society against which he had offended. By +this ingenious turn, society was naturally made to look out sharp how it +permitted any one to offend it. This excellent idea is like that of certain +Dutchmen, who, when they cut themselves with an ax, always apply salve and lint +to the cruel steel, and leave the wound to heal as fast as possible. +</p> + +<p> +To return to our examination: we all passed but the second mate, who hung in +his halter, and was pronounced to be incorrigible. Certificates of +naturalization were delivered on the spot, the fees were paid, and the schooner +left us. +</p> + +<p> +That night it blew a gale, and we had no more visitors until the following +morning. As the sun rose, however, we fell in with three schooners, under the +Leaplow flag, all of which seemed bound on errands of life or death. The first +that reached us sent a boat on board, and a committee of six bob-upon-bobs +hurried up our sides, and lost no time in introducing themselves. I shall give +their own account of their business and characters. +</p> + +<p> +It would seem that they were what is called a “nominating committee” of the +Horizontals, for the City of Bivouac, the port to which we were bound, where an +election was about to take place for members of the great National Council. +Bivouac was entitled to send seven members; and having nominated themselves, +the committee were now in quest of a seventh candidate to fill the vacancy. In +order to secure the naturalized interests, it had been determined to select as +new a comer as possible. This would also be maintaining the principle of +liberality, in the abstract. For this reason they had been cruising for a week, +as near as the law would allow to the Leaphigh boundaries, and they were now +ready to take any one who would serve. +</p> + +<p> +To this proposition I again objected the difference of species. Here they all +fairly laughed in my face, Brigadier Downright included, giving me very +distinctly to understand that they thought I had very contracted notions on +matters and things, to suppose so trifling an obstacle could disturb the +harmony and unity of a Horizontal vote. They went for a principle, and the +devil himself could not make them swerve from the pursuit of so sacred an +object. +</p> + +<p> +I then candidly admitted that nature had not fitted me, as admirably as it had +fitted my friend the judge, for the throwing of summersets; and I feared that +when the order was given “to go to the right about,” I might be found no better +than a bungler. This staggered them a little; and I perceived that they looked +at each other in doubt. +</p> + +<p> +“But you can, at least, turn round suddenly, at need?” one of them asked, after +a pause. +</p> + +<p> +“Certainly, sir,” I answered, giving ocular evidence that I was no idle +boaster, making a complete gyration on my heels, in very good time. +</p> + +<p> +“Very well!—admirably well!” they all cried in a breath. “The great political +essential is to be able to perform the evolutions in their essence—the facility +with which they are performed being no more than a personal merit.” +</p> + +<p> +“But, gentlemen, I know little more of your constitution and laws, than I have +learned in a few broken discussions with my fellow-travellers.” +</p> + +<p> +“This is a matter of no moment, sir. Our constitution, unlike that of Leaphigh, +is written down, and he who runs can read; and then we have a political +fugleman in the house, who saves an immense deal of unnecessary study and +reflection to the members. All you will have to do, will be to watch his +movements; and, my life on it, you will go as well through the manual exercise +as the oldest member there.” +</p> + +<p> +“How, sir, do all the members take the manoeuvres from this fugleman?” +</p> + +<p> +“All the Horizontals, sir—the Perpendiculars having a fugleman of their own.” +</p> + +<p> +“Well, gentlemen, I conceive this to be an affair in which I am no judge, and I +put myself entirely in the hands of my friends.” +</p> + +<p> +This answer met with much commendation, and manifested, as they all protested, +great political capabilities; the statesman who submitted all to his friends +never failing to rise to eminence in Leaplow. The committee took my name in +writing and hastened back to their schooner, in order to get into port to +promulgate the nomination. These persons were hardly off the deck, before +another party came up the opposite side of the ship. They announced themselves +to be a nominating committee of the Perpendiculars, on exactly the same errand +as their opponents. They, too, wished to propitiate the foreign interests, and +were in search of a proper candidate. Captain Poke had been an attentive +listener to all that occurred during the circumstances that preceded my +nomination; and he now stepped promptly forward, and declared his readiness to +serve. As there was quite as little squeamishness on one side as on the other, +and the Perpendicular committee, as it owned itself, was greatly pressed for +time, the Horizontals having the start of them, the affair was arranged in five +minutes, and the strangers departed with the name of NOAH POKE, THE TRIED +PATRIOT, THE PROFOUND JURIST, AND THE HONEST MONIKIN, handsomely placarded on a +large board—all but the name having been carefully prepared in advance. +</p> + +<p> +When the committee were fairly out of the ship, Noah look me aside, and made +his apologies for opposing me in this important election. His reasons were +numerous and ingenious, and, as usual, a little discursive. They might be +summed up as follows: He never had sat in a parliament, and he was curious to +know how it would feel; it would increase the respect of the ship’s company, to +find their commander of so much account in a strange port; he had had some +experience at Stunnin’tun by reading the newspapers, and he didn’t doubt of his +abilities at all, a circumstance that rarely failed of making a good +legislator; the congressman in his part of the country was some such man as +himself, and what was good for the goose was good for the gander; he knew Miss +Poke would be pleased to hear he had been chosen; he wondered if he should be +called the Honorable Noah Poke, and whether he should receive eight dollars a +day, and mileage from the spot where the ship then was; the Perpendiculars +might count on him, for his word was as good as his bond; as for the +constitution, he had got on under the constitution at home, and he believed a +man who could do that might get on under any constitution; he didn’t intend to +say a great deal in parliament, but what he did say he hoped might be recorded +for the use of his children; together with a great deal more of the same sort +of argumentation and apology. +</p> + +<p> +The third schooner now brought us to. This vessel sent another committee, who +announced themselves to be the representatives of a party that was termed the +Tangents. They were not numerous, but sufficiently so to hold the balance +whenever the Horizontals and the Perpendiculars crossed each other directly at +right angles, as was the case at present; and they had now determined to run a +single candidate of their own. They, too, wished to fortify themselves by the +foreign interest, as was natural, and had come out in quest of a proper person. +I suggested the first mate; but against this Noah protested, declaring that +come what would, the ship must on no account be deserted. Time pressed; and, +while the captain and the subordinate were hotly disputing the propriety of +permitting the latter to serve, Bob, who had already tasted the sweets of +political importance, in his assumed character of prince-royal, stepped slyly +up to the committee, and gave in his name. Noah was too much occupied to +discover this well-managed movement; and by the time he had sworn to throw the +mate overboard if he did not instantly relinquish all ambitious projects of +this nature, he found that the Tangents were off. Supposing they had gone to +some other vessel, the captain allowed himself to be soothed, and all went on +smoothly again. +</p> + +<p> +From this time until we anchored in the bay of Bivouac, the tranquillity and +discipline of the Walrus were undisturbed. I improved the occasion to study the +constitution of Leaplow, of which the judge had a copy, and to glean such +information from my companions as I believed might be useful in my future +career. I thought how pleasant it would be for a foreigner to teach the +Leaplowers their own laws, and to explain to them the application of their own +principles! Little, however, was to be got from the judge, who was just then +too much occupied with some calculations concerning the chances of the little +wheel, with which he had been furnished by a leading man of one of the +nominating committees. +</p> + +<p> +I now questioned the brigadier touching that peculiar usage of his country +which rendered Leaphigh opinions concerning the Leaplow institutions, society, +and manners of so much value in the market of the latter. To this I got but an +indifferent answer, except it was to say, that his countrymen, having cleared +the interests connected with the subjects from the rubbish of time, and set +everything at work, on the philosophical basis of reason and common sense, were +exceedingly desirous of knowing what other people thought of the success of the +experiment. +</p> + +<p> +“I expect to see a nation of sages, I can assure you, brigadier; one in which +even the very children are profoundly instructed in the great truths of your +system; and, as to the monikinas, I am not without dread of bringing my +theoretical ignorance in collision with their great practical knowledge of the +principles of your government.” +</p> + +<p> +“They are early fed on political pap.” +</p> + +<p> +“No doubt, sir, no doubt. How different must they be from the females of other +countries! Deeply imbued with the great distinctive principles of your system, +devoted to the education of their children in the same sublime truths, and +indefatigable in their discrimination, among the meanest of their households!” +</p> + +<p> +“Hum!” +</p> + +<p> +“Now, sir, even in England, a country which I trust is not the most debased on +earth, you will find women, beautiful, intellectual, accomplished and +patriotic, who limit their knowledge of these fundamental points to a zeal for +a clique, and the whole of whose eloquence on great national questions is +bounded by a few heartfelt wishes for the downfall of their opponents;—” +</p> + +<p> +“It is very much so at Stunnin’tun, too, if truth must be spoken,” remarked +Noah, who had been a listener. +</p> + +<p> +“Who, instead of instructing the young suckers that cling to their sides in +just notions of general social distinctions, nurture their young antipathies +with pettish philippics against some luckless chief of the adverse party;—” +</p> + +<p> +“Tis pretty much the same at Stunnin’tun, as I live!” +</p> + +<p> +“Who rarely study the great lessons of history in order to point out to the +future statesmen and heroes of the empire the beacons of crime, the incentives +for public virtue, or the charters of their liberties; but who are +indefatigable in echoing the cry of the hour, however false or vulgar, and who +humanize their attentive offspring by softly expressed wishes that Mr. Canning, +or some other frustrator of the designs of their friends, were fairly hanged!” +</p> + +<p> +“Stunnin’tun, all over!” +</p> + +<p> +“Beings that are angels in form—soft, gentle, refined, and tearful as the +evening with its dews, when there is a question of humanity or suffering; but +who seem strangely transformed into she-tigers, whenever any but those of whom +they can approve attain to power; and who, instead of entwining their soft arms +around their husbands and brothers, to restrain them from the hot strife of +opinions, cheer them on by their encouragement and throw dirt with the +volubility and wit of fish-women.” +</p> + +<p> +“Miss Poke, to the backbone!” +</p> + +<p> +“In short, sir, I expect to see an entirely different state of things at +Leaplow. There, when a political adversary is bespattered with mud, your gentle +monikinas, doubtless, appease anger by mild soothings of philosophy, tempering +zeal by wisdom, and regulating error by apt and unanswerable quotations from +that great charter which is based on the eternal and immutable principles of +right.” +</p> + +<p> +“Well, Sir John, if you speak in this elocutionary manner in the house,” cried +the delighted Noah, “I shall be shy of answering. I doubt, now, if the +brigadier himself could repeat all you have just said.” +</p> + +<p> +“I have forgotten to inquire, Mr. Downright, a little about your Leaplow +constituency. The suffrage is, beyond question, confined to those members of +society who possess a ‘social stake.’” +</p> + +<p> +“Certainly, Sir John, They who live and breathe.” +</p> + +<p> +“Surely none vote but those who possess the money, and houses, and lands of the +country?” +</p> + +<p> +“Sir, you are altogether in error; all vote who possess ears, and eyes, and +noses, and bobs, and lives, and hopes, and wishes, and feelings, and wants. +Wants we conceive to be a much truer test of political fidelity, than +possessions.” +</p> + +<p> +“This is novel doctrine, indeed! but it is in direct hostility to the +social-stake system.” +</p> + +<p> +“You were never more right, Sir John, as respects your own theory, or never +more wrong as respects the truth. In Leaplow we contend—and contend justly—that +there is no broader or bolder fallacy than to say that a representation of mere +effects, whether in houses, lands, merchandise, or money, is a security for a +good government. Property is affected by measures; and the more a monikin has, +the greater is the bribe to induce him to consult his own interests, although +it should be at the expense of those of everybody else.” +</p> + +<p> +“But, sir, the interest of the community is composed of the aggregate of these +interests.” +</p> + +<p> +“Your pardon, Sir John; nothing is composed of it, but the aggregate of the +interests of a class. If your government is instituted for their benefit only, +your social-stake system is all well enough; but if the object be the general +good, you have no choice but to trust its custody to the general keeping. Let +us suppose two men—since you happen to be a man, and not a monikin—let us +suppose two men perfectly equal in morals, intelligence, public virtue and +patriotism, one of whom shall be rich and the other shall have nothing. A +crisis arrives in the affairs of their common country, and both are called upon +to exercise their franchise, on a question—as almost all great questions +must—that unavoidably will have some influence on property generally. Which +would give the most impartial vote—he who, of necessity, must be swayed by his +personal interest, or he who has no inducement of the sort to go astray?” +</p> + +<p> +“Certainly he who has nothing to influence him to go wrong. But the question is +not fairly put—” +</p> + +<p> +“Your pardon, Sir John—it is put fairly as an abstract question, and one that +is to prove a principle. I am glad to hear you say that a man would be apt to +decide in this manner; for it shows his identity with a monikin. We hold that +all of us are apt to think most of ourselves on such occasions.” +</p> + +<p> +“My dear brigadier, do not mistake sophistry for reason. Surely, if power +belonged only to the poor—and the poor, or the comparatively poor, always +compose the mass—they would exercise it in a way to strip the rich of their +possessions.” +</p> + +<p> +“We think not, in Leaplow. Cases might exist, in which such a state of things +would occur under a reaction; but reactions imply abuses, and are not to be +quoted to maintain a principle. He who was drunk yesterday, may need an +unnatural stimulus to-day; while he who is uniformly temperate preserves his +proper tone of body without recourse to a remedy so dangerous. Such an +experiment, under a strong provocation, might possibly be made; but it could +scarcely be made twice among any people, and not even once among a people that +submits in season to a just division of its authority, since it is obviously +destructive of a leading principle of civilization. According to our monikin +histories, all the attacks upon property have been produced by property’s +grasping at more than fairly belongs to its immunities. If you make political +power a concomitant of property, both may go together, certainly; but if kept +separate, the danger to the latter will never exceed the danger in which it is +put daily by the arts of the money-getters, who are, in truth, the greatest +foes of property, as it belongs to others.” +</p> + +<p> +I remembered Sir Joseph Job, and could not but admit that the brigadier had, at +least, some truth on his side. +</p> + +<p> +“But do you deny that the sentiment of property elevates the mind, ennobles, +and purifies?” +</p> + +<p> +“Sir, I do not pretend to determine what may be the fact among men, but we hold +among monikins, that ‘the love of money is the root of all evil.’” +</p> + +<p> +“How, sir, do you account the education which is a consequence of property as +nothing?” +</p> + +<p> +“If you mean, my dear Sir John, that which property is most apt to teach, we +hold it to be selfishness; but if you mean that he who has money, as a rule, +will also have in formation to guide him aright, I must answer, that +experience, which is worth a thousand theories, tells us differently. We find +that on questions which are purely between those who have, and those who have +not, the HAVES are commonly united, and we think this would be the fact if they +were as unschooled as bears; but on all other questions, they certainly do +great discredit to education, unless you admit that there are in every case TWO +rights; for, with us, the most highly educated generally take the two extremes +of every argument. I state this to be the fact with monikins, you will +remember—doubtless, educated men agree much better.” +</p> + +<p> +“But, my good brigadier, if your position about the greater impartiality and +independence of the elector who is not influenced by his private interests be +true, a country would do well to submit its elections to a body of foreign +umpires.” +</p> + +<p> +“It would indeed, Sir John, if it were certain these foreign umpires would not +abuse the power to their own particular advantage, if they could have the +feelings and sentiments which ennoble and purify a nation far more than money, +and if it were possible they could thoroughly understand the character, habits, +wants, and resources of another people. As things are, therefore, we believe it +is wisest to trust our own elections to ourselves—not to a portion of +ourselves, but to all of ourselves.” +</p> + +<p> +“Immigrants included,” put in the captain. +</p> + +<p> +“Why, we do carry the principle well out in the case of gentlemen like +yourselves,” returned the brigadier, politely, “but liberality is a virtue. As +a principle, Sir John, your idea of referring the choice of our representatives +to strangers has more merit than you probably imagine, though, certainly, +impracticable, for the reasons already given. When we seek justice, we commonly +look out for some impartial judge. Such a judge is unattainable, however, in +the matter of the interests of a state, for the simple reason that power of +this sort, permanently wielded, would be perverted on a principle which, after +a most scrupulous analysis, we have been compelled to admit is incorporated +with the very monikin nature—viz., selfishness. I make no manner of doubt that +you men, however, are altogether superior to an influence so unworthy?” +</p> + +<p> +Here I could only borrow the use of the brigadier’s “Hum!” +</p> + +<p> +“Having ascertained that it would not do to submit the control of our affairs +to utter strangers, or to those whose interests are not identified with our +own, we set about seeing what could be done with a selection from among +ourselves. Here we were again met by that same obstinate principle of +selfishness; and we were finally driven to take shelter in the experiment of +intrusting the interests of all to the management of all.” +</p> + +<p> +“And, sir, are these the opinions of Leaphigh?” +</p> + +<p> +“Very far from it. The difference between Leaphigh and Leaplow is just this: +the Leaphighers, being an ancient people, with a thousand vested interests, are +induced, as time improves the mind, to seek reasons for their facts; while we +Leaplowers, being unshackled by any such restraints, have been able to make an +effort to form our facts on our reasons.” +</p> + +<p> +“Why do you, then, so much prize Leaphigh opinions on Leaplow facts?” +</p> + +<p> +“Why does every little monikin believe his own father and mother to be just the +two wisest, best, most virtuous, and discreetest old monikins in the whole +world, until time, opportunity, and experience show him his error?” +</p> + +<p> +“Do you make no exceptions, then, in your franchise, but admit every citizen +who, as you say, has a nose, ears, bob, and wants, to the exercise of the +suffrage?” +</p> + +<p> +“Perhaps we are less scrupulous on this head than we ought to be, since we do +not make ignorance and want of character bars to the privilege. Qualifications +beyond mere birth and existence may be useful, but they are badly chosen when +they are brought to the test of purely material possessions. This practice has +arisen in the world from the fact that they who had property had power, and not +because they ought to have it.” +</p> + +<p> +“My dear brigadier, this is flying in the face of all experience.” +</p> + +<p> +“For the reason just given, and because all experience has hitherto commenced +at the wrong end. Society should be constructed as you erect a house; not from +the roof down, but from the foundation upwards.” +</p> + +<p> +“Admitting, however, that your house has been badly constructed at first, in +repairing it, would you tear away the walls at random, at the risk of bringing +all down about your ears?” +</p> + +<p> +“I would first see that sufficient props were reared, and then proceed with +vigor, though always with caution. Courage in such an experiment is less to be +dreaded than timidity. Half the evils of life, social, personal and political, +are as much the effects of moral cowardice as of fraud.” +</p> + +<p> +I then told the brigadier, that as his countrymen rejected the inducements of +property in the selection of the political base of their social compact, I +expected to find a capital substitute in virtue. +</p> + +<p> +“I have always heard that virtue is the great essential of a free people, and +doubtless you Leaplowers are perfect models in this important particular?” +</p> + +<p> +The brigadier smiled before he answered me, first looking about to the right +and left, as if to regale himself with the odor of perfection. +</p> + +<p> +“Many theories have been broached on these subjects,” he replied, “in which +there has been some confusion between cause and effect. Virtue is no more a +cause of freedom, except as it is connected with intelligence, than vice is a +cause of slavery. Both may be consequences, but it is not easy to say how +either is necessarily a cause. There is a homely saying among us monikins, +which is quite to the point in this matter: ‘Set a rogue to catch a rogue.’ +Now, the essence of a free government is to be found in the responsibility of +its agents. He who governs without responsibility is a master, while he who +discharges the duties of a functionary under a practical responsibility is a +servant. This is the only true test of governments, let them be mystified as +they may in other respects. Responsibility to the mass of the nation is the +criterion of freedom. Now responsibility is the SUBSTITUTE for virtue in a +politician, as discipline is the substitute for courage in a soldier. An army +of brave monikins without discipline, would be very apt to be worsted by an +army of monikins of less natural spirit, with discipline. So a corps of +originally virtuous politicians, without responsibility, would be very apt to +do more selfish, lawless, and profligate acts, than a corps of less virtue, who +were kept rigidly under the rod of responsibility. Unrestrained power is a +great corrupter of virtue, of itself; while the liabilities of a restrained +authority are very apt to keep it in check. At least, such is the fact with us +monikins—men very possibly get along better.” +</p> + +<p> +“Let me tell you, Mr. Downright, you are now uttering opinions that are +diametrically opposed to those of the world, which considers virtue an +indispensable ingredient in a republic.” +</p> + +<p> +“The world—meaning always the monikin world—knows very little about real +political liberty, except as a theory. We of Leaplow are, in effect, the only +people who have had much to do with it, and I am now telling you what is the +result of my own observation, in my own country. If monikins were purely +virtuous, there would be no necessity for government at all; but, being what +they are, we think it wisest to set them to watch each other.” +</p> + +<p> +“But yours is self-government, which implies self-restraint; and self-restraint +is but another word for virtue.” +</p> + +<p> +“If the merit of our system depended on self-government, in your signification, +or on self-restraint, in any signification, it would not be worth the trouble +of this argument, Sir John Goldencalf. This is one of those balmy fallacies +with which ill-judging moralists endeavor to stimulate monikins to good deeds. +Our government is based on a directly opposite principle; that of watching and +restraining each other, instead of trusting to our ability to restrain +ourselves. It is the want of responsibility, and not of constant and active +presence, which infers virtue and self-control. No one would willingly lay +legal restraints on himself in anything, while all are very happy to restrain +their neighbors. This refers to the positive and necessary rules of +intercourse, and the establishment of rights; as to mere morality, laws do very +little towards enforcing its ordinances. Morals usually come of instruction; +and when all have political power, instruction is a security that all desire.” +</p> + +<p> +“But when all vote, all may wish to abuse their trust to their own especial +advantage, and a political chaos will be the consequence.” +</p> + +<p> +“Such a result is impossible, except as especial advantage is identified with +general advantage. A community can no more buy itself in this manner, than a +monikin can eat himself, let him be as ravenous as he will. Admitting that all +are rogues, necessity would compel a compromise.” +</p> + +<p> +“You make out a plausible theory, and I have little doubt that I shall find you +the wisest, the most logical, the discreetest, and the most consistent +community I have yet visited. But another word: how is it that our friend the +judge gave such equivocal instructions to his charge; and why, in particular, +did he lay so much stress on the employment of means, which gave the lie flatly +to all you have told me?” +</p> + +<p> +Brigadier Downright hereupon stroked his chin, and observed that he thought +there might possibly be a shift of wind; and he also wondered (quite audibly), +when we should make the land. I afterwards persuaded him to allow that a +monikin was but a monikin, after all, whether he had the advantages of +universal suffrage, or lived under a despot. +</p> + +</div><!--end chapter--> + +<div class="chapter"> + +<h2><a name="link2HCH0024"></a> +CHAPTER XXIV.<br/> +AN ARRIVAL—AN ELECTION—ARCHITECTURE—A ROLLING-PIN, AND PATRIOTISM OF THE MOST +APPROVED WATER.</h2> + +<p> +In due time the coast of Leaplow made its appearance, close under our larboard +bow. So sudden was our arrival in this novel and extraordinary country, that we +were very near running on it, before we got a glimpse of its shores. The +seamanship of Captain Poke, however, stood us in hand; and, by the aid of a +very clever pilot, we were soon safely moored in the harbor of Bivouac. In this +happy land, there was no registration, no passports, “no nothin’”—as Mr. Poke +pointedly expressed it. The formalities were soon observed, although I had +occasion to remark, how much easier, after all, it is to get along in this +world with vice than with virtue. A bribe offered to a custom-house officer was +refused; and the only trouble I had, on the occasion, arose from this awkward +obtrusion of a conscience. However, the difficulty was overcome, though not +quite as easily as if douceurs had happened to be in fashion; and we were +permitted to land with all our necessary effects. +</p> + +<p> +The city of Bivouac presented a singular aspect as I first put foot within its +hallowed streets. The houses were all covered with large placards, which, at +first, I took to be lists of the wares to be vended, for the place is +notoriously commercial; but which, on examination, I soon discovered were +merely electioneering handbills. The reader will figure to himself my pleasure +and surprise, on reading the first that offered. It ran as follows: +</p> + +<p> +“HORIZONTAL NOMINATION. +</p> + +<p> +“Horizontal-Systematic-Indoctrinated-Republicans: Attention! +</p> + +<p> +“Your sacred rights are in danger; your dearest liberties are menaced; your +wives and children are on the point of dissolution; the infamous and +unconstitutional position that the sun gives light by day, and the moon by +night, is openly and impudently propagated, and now is the only occasion that +will probably ever offer to arrest an error so pregnant with deception and +domestic evils. We present to your notice a suitable defender of all those near +and dear interests, in the person of, +</p> + +<p> +“JOHN GOLDENCALF, +</p> + +<p> +“the known patriot, the approved legislator, the profound philosopher, the +incorruptible statesman. To our adopted fellow-citizens we need not recommend +Mr. Goldencalf, for he is truly one of themselves; to the native citizens we +will only say, ‘Try him, and you will be more than satisfied.’” +</p> + +<p> +I found this placard of great use, for it gave me the first information I had +yet had of the duty I was expected to perform in the coming session of the +great council; which was merely to demonstrate that the moon gave light by day, +and that the sun gave light by night. Of course, I immediately set about, in my +own mind, hunting up the proper arguments by which this grave political +hypothesis was to be properly maintained. The next placard was in favor of, +</p> + +<p> +“NOAH POKE,” +</p> + +<p> +“the experienced navigator, who will conduct the ship of state into the haven +of prosperity—the practical astronomer who knows by frequent observations, that +lunars are not to be got in the dark.” +</p> + +<p> +“Perpendiculars, be plumb, and lay your enemies on their backs!” +</p> + +<p> +After this I fell in with— +</p> + +<p> +“THE HONORABLE ROBERT SMUT,” +</p> + +<p> +“is confidently recommended to all their fellow-citizens by the nominating +committee of the Anti-Approved-Sublimated-Politico-Tangents, as the real +gentleman, a ripe scholar, [Footnote: I afterwards found this was a common +phrase in Leaplow, being uniformly applied to every monikin who wore +spectacles.] an enlightened politician, and a sound Democrat.” +</p> + +<p> +“But I should fill the manuscript with nothing else, were I to record a tithe +of the commendations and abuse that were heaped on us all, by a community to +whom, as yet, we were absolutely strangers. A single sample of the latter will +suffice.” +</p> + +<p> +“AFFIDAVIT.” +</p> + +<p> +“Personally appeared before me, John Equity, justice of the peace, Peter +Veracious, etc., etc., who, being duly sworn upon the Holy Evangelists, doth +depose and say, viz.: That he was intimately acquainted with one John +Goldencalf in his native country, and that he is personally knowing to the fact +that he, the said John Goldencalf, has three wives, seven illegitimate +children, is moreover a bankrupt without character, and that he was obliged to +emigrate in consequence of having stolen a sheep.” +</p> + +<p> +“Sworn, etc.” +</p> + +<p> +“(Signed,) PETER VERACIOUS.” +</p> + +<p> +I naturally felt a little indignant at this impudent statement, and was about +to call upon the first passer-by for the address of Mr. Veracious, when the +skirts of my skin were seized by one of the Horizontal nominating committee, +and I was covered with congratulations on my being happily elected. Success is +an admirable plaster for all wounds, and I really forgot to have the affair of +the sheep and of the illegitimate children inquired into; although I still +protest, that had fortune been less propitious, the rascal who promulgated this +calumny would have been made to smart for his temerity. In less than five +minutes it was the turn of Captain Poke. He, too, was congratulated in due +form; for, as it appeared, the “immigrant interest,” as Noah termed it, had +actually carried a candidate on each of the two great opposing tickets. Thus +far, all was well; for, after sharing his mess so long, I had not the smallest +objection to sit in the Leaplow parliament with the worthy sealer; but our +mutual surprise, and I believe I might add, indignation, were a good deal +excited, by shortly encountering a walking notice, which contained a programme +of the proceedings to be observed at the “Reception of the Honorable Robert +Smut.” +</p> + +<p> +It would seem that the Horizontals and the Perpendiculars had made so many +spurious and mystified ballots, in order to propitiate the Tangents, and to +cheat each other, that this young blackguard actually stood at the head of the +poll!—a political phenomenon, as I subsequently discovered, however, by no +means of rare occurrence in the Leaplow history of the periodical selection of +the wisest and best. +</p> + +<p> +There was certainly an accumulation of interest on arriving in a strange land, +to find one’s self both extolled and vituperated on most of the corners in its +capital, and to be elected to its parliament, all in the same day. Still, I did +not permit myself to be either so much elated or so much depressed, as not to +have all my eyes about me, in order to get as correctly as possible, and as +quickly as possible, some insight into the characters, tastes, habits, wishes, +and wants of my constituents. +</p> + +<p> +I have already declared that it is my intention to dwell chiefly on the moral +excellences and peculiarities of the people of the monikin world. Still I could +not walk through the streets of Bivouac without observing a few physical +usages, that I shall mention, because they have an evident connection with the +state of society, and the historical recollections of this interesting portion +of the polar region. +</p> + +<p> +In the first place, I remarked that all sorts of quadrupeds are just as much at +home in the promenades of the town, as the inhabitants themselves, a fact that +I make no doubt has some very proper connection with that principle of equal +rights on which the institutions of the country are established. In the second +place, I could not but see that their dwellings are constructed on the very +minimum of base, propping each other, as emblematic of the mutual support +obtained by the republican system, and seeking their development in height for +the want of breadth; a singularity of customs that I did not hesitate at once +to refer to a usage of living in trees, at an epoch not very remote. In the +third place, I noted, instead of entering their dwellings near the ground like +men, and indeed like most other unfledged animals, that they ascend by means of +external steps to an aperture about half-way between the roof and the earth, +where, having obtained admission, they go up or down within the building, as +occasion requires. This usage, I made no question, was preserved from the +period (and that, too, no distant one), when the savage condition of the +country induced them to seek protection against the ravages of wild beasts, by +having recourse to ladders, which were drawn up after the family into the top +of the tree, as the sun sank beneath the horizon. These steps or ladders are +generally of some white material, in order that they may, even now, be found in +the dark, should the danger be urgent; although I do not know that Bivouac is a +more disorderly or unsafe town than another, in the present day. But habits +linger in the usages of a people, and are often found to exist as fashions, +long after the motive of their origin has ceased and been forgotten. As a proof +of this, many of the dwellings of Bivouac have still enormous iron +chevaux-de-frise before the doors, and near the base of the stone-ladders; a +practice unquestionably taken from the original, unsophisticated, domestic +defences of this wary and enterprising race. Among a great many of these +chevaux-de-frise, I remarked certain iron images, that resemble the kings of +chess-men, and which I took, at first, to be symbols of the calculating +qualities of the owners of the mansions—a species of republican heraldry—but +which the brigadier told me, on inquiry, were no more than a fashion that had +descended from the custom of having stuffed images before the doors, in the +early days of the settlement, to frighten away the beasts at night, precisely +as we station scarecrows in a corn-field. Two of these well-padded sentinels, +with a stick stuck up in a fire-lock attitude, he assured me, had often been +known to maintain a siege of a week, against a she-bear and a numerous family +of hungry cubs, in the olden times; and, now that the danger was gone, he +presumed the families which had caused these iron monuments to be erected, had +done so to record some marvellous risks of this nature, from which their +forefathers had escaped by means of so ingenious an expedient. +</p> + +<p> +Everything in Bivouac bears the impress of the sublime principle of the +institutions. The houses of the private citizens, for instance, overtop the +roofs of all the public edifices, to show that the public is merely a servant +of the citizen. Even the churches have this peculiarity, proving that the road +to heaven is not independent of the popular will. The great Hall of Justice, an +edifice of which the Bivouackers are exceedingly proud, is constructed in the +same recumbent style, the architect, with a view to protect himself from the +imputation of believing that the firmament was within reach of his hand, having +taken the precaution to run up a wooden finger-board from the centre of the +building, which points to the place where, according to the notions of all +other people, the ridge of the roof itself should have been raised. So very +apparent was this peculiarity, Noah observed, that it seemed to him as if the +whole “’arth” had been rolled down by a great political rolling-pin, by way of +giving the country its finishing touch. +</p> + +<p> +While making these remarks, one drew near at a brisk trot, who, Mr. Downright +observed, eagerly desired our acquaintance. Surprised at his pretending to know +such a fact without any previous communication, I took the liberty of asking +why he thought that we were the particular objects of the other’s haste. +</p> + +<p> +“Simply because you are fresh arrivals. This person is one of a sufficiently +numerous class among us, who, devoured by a small ambition, seek +notoriety—which, by the way, they are near obtaining in more respects than they +probably desire—by obtruding themselves on every stranger who touches our +shore. Theirs is not a generous and frank hospitality that would fain serve +others, but an irritable vanity that would glorify themselves. The liberal and +enlightened monikin is easily to be distinguished from all of this clique. He +is neither ashamed of, nor bigoted in favor of any usages, simply because they +are domestic. With him the criterions of merit are propriety, taste, +expediency, and fitness. He distinguishes, while these crave; he neither wholly +rejects, nor wholly lives by, imitation, but judges for himself, and uses his +experience as a respectable and useful guide; while these think that all they +can attain that is beyond the reach of their neighbors, is, as a matter of +course, the sole aim of life. Strangers they seek, because they have long since +decreed that this country, with its usages, its people, and all it contains, +being founded on popular rights, is all that is debased and vulgar, themselves +and a few of their own particular friends excepted; and they are never so happy +as when they are gloating on, and basking in, the secondary refinements of what +we call the ‘old region.’ Their own attainments, however, being pretty much +godsends, or such as we all pick up in our daily intercourse, they know nothing +of any foreign country but Leaphigh, whose language we happen to speak; and, as +Leaphigh is also the very beau ideal of exclusion, in its usages, opinions, and +laws, they deem all who come from that part of the earth, as rather more +entitled to their profound homage than any other strangers.” +</p> + +<p> +Here Judge People’s Friend, who had been vigorously pumping the nominating +committee on the subject of the chances of the little wheel, suddenly left us, +with a sneaking, self-abased air, and with his nose to the ground, like a dog +who has just caught a fresh scent. +</p> + +<p> +The next time we met with the ex-envoy, he was in mourning for some political +backsliding that I never comprehended. He had submitted to a fresh amputation +of the bob, and had so thoroughly humbled the seat of reason, that it was not +possible for the most envious and malignant disposition to fancy he had a +particle of brains left. He had, moreover, caused every hair to be shaved off +his body, which was as naked as the hand, and altogether he presented an +edifying picture of penitence and self-abasement. I afterwards understood that +this purification was considered perfectly satisfactory, and that he was +thought to be, again, within the limits of the most patriotic patriots. +</p> + +<p> +In the meantime the Bivouacker had approached me, and was introduced as Mr. +Gilded Wriggle. +</p> + +<p> +“Count Poke de Stunnin’tun, my good sir,” said the brigadier, who was the +master of ceremonies on this occasion, “and the Mogul Goldencalf—both noblemen +of ancient lineage, admirable privileges, and of the purest water; gentlemen +who, when they are at home, have six dinners daily, always sleep on diamonds, +and whose castles are none of them less than six leagues in extent.” +</p> + +<p> +“My friend General Downright has taken too much pains, gentlemen,” interrupted +our new acquaintance, “your rank and extraction being self-evident. Welcome to +Leaplow! I beg you will make free with my house, my dog, my cat, my horse, and +myself. I particularly beg that your first, your last, and all the intermediate +visits, will be to me. Well, Mogul, what do you really think of us? You have +now been on shore long enough to have formed a pretty accurate notion of our +institutions and habits. I beg you will not judge of all of us by what you see +in the streets—” +</p> + +<p> +“It is not my intention, sir.” +</p> + +<p> +“You are cautious, I perceive? We are in an awful condition, I confess; +trampled on by the vulgar, and far—very far from being the people that, I dare +say, you expected to see. I couldn’t be made the assistant alderman of my ward, +if I wished it, sir—too much jacobism; the people are fools, sir; know nothing, +sir; not fit to rule themselves, much less their betters, sir. Here have a set +of us, some hundreds in this very town, been telling them what fools they are, +how unfit they are to manage their own affairs, and how fast they are going to +the devil, any time these twenty years, and still we have not yet persuaded +them to entrust one of us with authority! To say the truth, we are in a most +miserable condition, and, if anything COULD ruin this country, democracy would +have ruined it just thirty-five years ago.” +</p> + +<p> +Here the wailings of Mr. Wriggle were interrupted by the wailings of Count Poke +de Stunnin’tun. The latter, by gazing in admiration at the speaker, had +inadvertently struck his toe against one of the forty-three thousand seven +hundred and sixty inequalities of the pavement (for everything in Leaplow is +exactly equal, except the streets and highways), and fallen forwards on his +nose. I have already had occasion to allude to the sealer’s readiness in using +opprobrious epithets. This contre-temps happened in the principal street of +Bivouac, or in what is called the Wide-path, an avenue of more than a league in +extent; but notwithstanding its great length, Noah took it up at one end and +abused it all the way to the other, with a precision, fidelity, rapidity and +point, that excited general admiration. “It was the dirtiest, worst paved, +meanest, vilest, street he had ever seen, and if they had it at Stunnin’tun, +instead of using it as a street at all, they would fence it up at each end, and +turn it into a hog-lot.” Here Brigadier Downright betrayed unequivocal signs of +alarm. Drawing us aside, he vehemently demanded of the captain if he were mad, +to berate in this unheard-of manner the touchstone of Bivouac sentiment, +nationality, taste, and elegance! This street was never spoken of except by the +use of superlatives; a usage, by the way, that Noah himself had by no means +neglected. It was commonly thought to be the longest and the shortest, the +widest and the narrowest, the best built and the worst built avenue in the +universe. “Whatever you say or do,” he continued, “whatever you think or +believe, never deny the superlatives of the Wide-path. If asked if you ever saw +a street so crowded, although there be room to wheel a regiment, swear it is +stifling; if required to name another promenade so free from interruption, +protest, by your soul, that the place is a desert! Say what you will of the +institutions of the country—” +</p> + +<p> +“How!” I exclaimed; “of the sacred rights of monikins?” +</p> + +<p> +“Bedaub them, and the mass of the monikins, too, with just as much filth as you +please. Indeed, if you wish to circulate freely in genteel society, I would +advise you to get a pretty free use of the words, ‘jacobins,’ ‘rabble,’ ‘mob,’ +‘agrarians,’ ‘canaille’ and ‘democrats’; for they recommend many to notice who +possess nothing else. In our happy and independent country it is a sure sign of +lofty sentiment, a finished education, a regulated intellect, and a genteel +intercourse, to know how to bespatter all that portion of your +fellow-creatures, for instance, who live in one-story edifices.” +</p> + +<p> +“I find all this very extraordinary, your government being professedly a +government of the mass!” +</p> + +<p> +“You have intuitively discovered the reason—is it not fashionable to abuse the +government everywhere? Whatever you do, in genteel life, ought to be based on +liberal and elevated principles; and therefore, abuse all that is animate in +Leaplow, the present company, with their relatives and quadrupeds, excepted; +but do not raise your blaspheming tongue against anything that is inanimate! +Respect, I entreat of you, the houses, the trees, the rivers, the mountains, +and, above all, in Bivouac, respect the Wide-path! We are a people of lively +sensibilities, and are tender of the reputations of even our stocks and stones. +Even the Leaplow philosophers are all of a mind on this subject.” +</p> + +<p> +“King!” +</p> + +<p> +“Can you account for this very extraordinary peculiarity, brigadier?” +</p> + +<p> +“Surely you cannot be ignorant that all which is property is sacred! We have a +great respect for property, sir, and do not like to hear our wares underrated. +But lay it on the mass so much the harder, and you will only be thought to be +in possession of a superior and a refined intelligence.” +</p> + +<p> +Here we turned again to Mr. Wriggle, who was dying to be noticed once more. +</p> + +<p> +“Ah! gentlemen, last from Leaphigh!”—he had been questioning one of our +attendants—“how comes on that great and consistent people?” +</p> + +<p> +“As usual, sir;—great and consistent.” +</p> + +<p> +“I think, however, we are quite their equals, eh?—chips of the same blocks?” +</p> + +<p> +“No, sir—blocks of the same chips.” +</p> + +<p> +Mr. Wriggle laughed, and appeared pleased with the compliment; and I wished I +had even laid it on a little thicker. +</p> + +<p> +“Well, Mogul, what are our great forefathers about? Still pulling to pieces +that sublime fabric of a constitution, which has so long been the wonder of the +world, and my especial admiration?” +</p> + +<p> +“They are talking of changes, sir, although I believe they have effected no +great matter. The primate of all Leaphigh, I had occasion to remark, still has +seven joints to his tail.” +</p> + +<p> +“Ah! they are a wonderful people, sir!” said Wriggle, looking ruefully at his +own bob, which, as I afterwards understood, was a mere natural abortion. “I +detest change, sir; were I a Leaphigher, I would die in my tail!” +</p> + +<p> +“One for whom nature has done so much in this way, is to be excused a little +enthusiasm.” +</p> + +<p> +“A most miraculous people, sir—the wonder of the world—and their institutions +are the greatest prodigy of the times!” +</p> + +<p> +“That is well remarked, Wriggle,” put in the brigadier; “for they have been +tinkering them, and altering them, any time these five hundred and fifty years, +and still they remain precisely the same!” +</p> + +<p> +“Very true, brigadier, very true—the marvel of our times! But, gentlemen, what +do you indeed think of us? I shall not let you off with generalities. You have +now been long enough on shore to have formed some pretty distinct notions about +us, and I confess I should be glad to hear them. Speak the truth with +candor—are we not most miserable, forlorn, disreputable devils, after all?” +</p> + +<p> +I disclaimed the ability to judge of the social condition of a people on so +short an acquaintance; but to this Mr. Wriggle would not listen. He insisted +that I must have been particularly disgusted with the coarseness and want of +refinement in the rabble, as he called the mass, who, by the way, had already +struck me as being relatively much the better part of the population, so far as +I had seen things—more than commonly decent, quiet, and civil. Mr. Wriggle, +also, very earnestly and piteously begged I would not judge of the whole +country by such samples as I might happen to fall in with in the highways. +</p> + +<p> +“I trust, Mogul, you will have charity to believe we are not all of us quite so +bad as appearances, no doubt, make us in your polished eyes. These rude beings +are spoiled by our jacobinical laws; but we have a class, sir, that IS +different. But, if you will not touch on the people, how do you like the town, +sir? A poor place, no doubt, after your own ancient capitals?” +</p> + +<p> +“Time will remedy all that, Mr. Wriggle.” +</p> + +<p> +“Do you then think we really want time? Now, that house at the corner, there, +to my taste is fit for a gentleman in any country—eh?” +</p> + +<p> +“No doubt, sir, fit for one.” +</p> + +<p> +“This is but a poor street in the eyes of you travellers, I know, this +Wide-path of ours; though we think it rather sublime?” +</p> + +<p> +“You do yourself injustice, Mr. Wriggle; though not equal to many of the—-” +</p> + +<p> +“How, sir, the Wide-path not equal to anything on earth! I know several people +who have been in the old world [so the Leaplowers call the regions of Leaphigh, +Leapup, Leapdown, etc.] and they swear there is not as fine a street in any +part of it. I have not had the good fortune to travel, sir; but, sir, permit +me, sir, to say, sir, that some of them, sir, that HAVE travelled, sir, think, +sir, the Wide-path, the most magnificent public avenue, sir, that their +experienced eyes ever beheld, sir—yes, sir, that their very experienced eyes +ever beheld, sir.” +</p> + +<p> +“I have seen so little of it, as yet, Mr. Wriggle, that you will pardon me if I +have spoken hastily.” +</p> + +<p> +“Oh! no offence—I despise the monikin who is not above local vanities and +provincial admiration! You ought to have seen that, sir, for I frankly admit, +sir, that no rabble can be worse than ours, and that we are all going to the +devil, as fast as ever we can. No, sir, a most miserable rabble, sir.—But as +for this street, and our houses, and our cats, and our dogs, and certain +exceptions—you understand me, sir—it is quite a different thing. Pray, Mogul, +who is the greatest personage, now, in your nation?” +</p> + +<p> +“Perhaps I ought to say the Duke of Wellington, sir.” +</p> + +<p> +“Well, sir, allow me to ask if he lives in a better house than that before +us?—I see you are delighted, eh? We are a poor, new nation of pitiful traders, +sir, half savage, as everybody knows; but we DO flatter ourselves that we know +how to build a house! Will you just step in and see a new sofa that its owner +bought only yesterday—I know him intimately, and nothing gives me so much +pleasure as to show his new sofa.” +</p> + +<p> +I declined the invitation on the plea of fatigue, and by this means got rid of +so troublesome an acquaintance. On leaving me, however, he begged that I would +not fail to make his house my home, swore terribly at the rabble, and invited +me to admire a very ordinary view that was to be obtained by looking up the +Wide-path in a particular direction, but which embraced his own abode. When Mr. +Wriggle was fairly out of earshot, I demanded of the brigadier if Bivouac, or +Leaplow, contained many such prodigies. +</p> + +<p> +“Enough to make themselves very troublesome, and us ridiculous,” returned Mr. +Downright. “We are a young nation, Sir John, covering a great surface, with a +comparatively small population, and, as you are aware, separated from the other +parts of the monikin region by a belt of ocean. In some respects we are like +people in the country, and we possess the merits and failings of those who are +so situated. Perhaps no nation has a larger share of reflecting and essentially +respectable inhabitants than Leaplow; but, not satisfied with being what +circumstances so admirably fit them to be, there is a clique among us, who, +influenced by the greater authority of older nations, pine to be that which +neither nature, education, manners, nor facilities will just yet allow them to +become. In short, sir, we have the besetting sin of a young +community—imitation. In our case the imitation is not always happy, either; it +being necessarily an imitation that is founded on descriptions. If the evil +were limited to mere social absurdities, it might be laughed at—but that +inherent desire of distinction, which is the most morbid and irritable, +unhappily, in the minds of those who are the least able to attain anything more +than a very vulgar notoriety, is just as active here, as it is elsewhere; and +some who have got wealth, and who can never get more than what is purely +dependent on wealth, affect to despise those who are not as fortunate as +themselves in this particular. In their longings for pre-eminence, they turn to +other states (Leaphigh, more especially, which is the beau ideal of all nations +and people who wish to set up a caste in opposition to despotism) for rules of +thought, and declaim against that very mass which is at the bottom of all their +prosperity, by obstinately refusing to allow of any essential innovation on the +common rights. In addition to these social pretenders, we have our political +Indoctrinated.” +</p> + +<p> +“Indoctrinated! Will you explain the meaning of the term?” +</p> + +<p> +“Sir, an Indoctrinated is one of a political school who holds to the validity +of certain theories which have been made to justify a set of adventitious +facts, as is eminently the case in our own great model, Leaphigh. We are +peculiarly placed in this country. Here, as a rule, facts—meaning political and +social facts—are greatly in advance of opinion, simply because the former are +left chiefly to their own free action, and the latter is necessarily trammelled +by habit and prejudice; while in the ‘old region’ opinion, as a rule—and +meaning the leading or better opinion—is greatly in advance of facts, because +facts are restrained by usage and personal interests, and opinion is incited by +study, and the necessity of change.” +</p> + +<p> +“Permit me to say, brigadier, that I find your present institutions a +remarkable result to follow such a state of things.” +</p> + +<p> +“They are a cause, rather than a consequence. Opinion, as a whole, is +everywhere on the advance; and it is further advanced even here, as a whole, +than anywhere else. Accident has favored the foundation of the social compact; +and once founded, the facts have been hastening to their consummation faster +than the monikin mind has been able to keep company with them. This is a +remarkable but true state of the whole region. In other monikin countries, you +see opinion tugging at rooted practices, and making desperate efforts to +eradicate them from their bed of vested interests, while here you see facts +dragging opinion after them like a tail wriggling behind a kite. [Footnote: One +would think that Brigadier Downright had lately paid a visit to our own happy +and much enlightened land. Fifty years since, the negro was a slave in New +York, and incapable of contracting marriage with a white. Facts have, however, +been progressive; and, from one privilege to another, he has at length obtained +that of consulting his own tastes in this matter, and, so far as he himself is +concerned, of doing as he pleases. This is the fact, but he who presumes to +speak of it has his windows broken by opinion, for his pains! NOTE BY THE +EDITOR] As to our purely social imitation and social follies, absurd as they +are, they are necessarily confined to a small and an immaterial class; but the +Indoctrinated spirit is a much more serious affair. That unsettles confidence, +innovates on the right, often innocently and ignorantly, and causes the vessel +of state to sail like a ship with a drag towing in her wake.” +</p> + +<p> +“This is truly a novel condition for an enlightened monikin nation.” +</p> + +<p> +“No doubt, men manage better; but of all this you will learn more in the great +council. You may, perhaps, think it strange that our facts should preserve +their ascendency in opposition to so powerful a foe as opinion; but you will +remember that a great majority of our people, if not absolutely on a level with +circumstances, being purely practical, are much nearer to this level, than the +class termed the endoctrinated. The last are troublesome and delusive, rather +than overwhelming.” +</p> + +<p> +“To return to Mr. Wriggle—is his sect numerous?” +</p> + +<p> +“His class flourishes most in the towns. In Leaplow we are greatly in want of a +capital, where the cultivated, educated, and well-mannered can assemble, and, +placed by their habits and tastes above the ordinary motives and feelings of +the less instructed, they might form a more healthful, independent, +appropriate, and manly public sentiment than that which now pervades the +country. As things are, the real elite of this community are so scattered, as +rather to receive an impression FROM, than to impart one TO society, The +Leaplow Wriggles, as you have just witnessed, are selfish and exacting as to +their personal pretensions, irritably confident as to the merit of any +particular excellence which limits their own experience, and furiously +proscribing to those whom they fancy less fortunate than themselves.” +</p> + +<p> +“Good heavens!—brigadier—all this is excessively human!” +</p> + +<p> +“Ah! it is—is it? Well, this is certainly the way with us monikins. Our +Wriggles are ashamed of exactly that portion of our population of which they +have most reason to be proud, viz., the mass; and they are proud of precisely +that portion of which they have most reason to be ashamed, viz., themselves. +But plenty of opportunities will offer to look further into this; and we will +now hasten to the inn.” +</p> + +<p> +As the brigadier appeared to chafe under the subject, I remained silent, +following him as fast as I could, but keeping my eyes open, the reader may be +very sure, as we went along. There was one peculiarity I could not but remark +in this singular town. It was this:—all the houses were smeared over with some +colored earth, and then, after all this pains had been taken to cover the +material, an artist was employed to make white marks around every separate +particle of the fabric (and they were in millions), which ingenious +particularity gives the dwellings a most agreeable air of detail, imparting to +the architecture, in general, a sublimity that is based on the multiplication +table. If to this be added the black of the chevaux-de-frise, the white of the +entrance-ladders, and a sort of standing-collar to the whole, immediately under +the eves, of some very dazzling hue, the effect is not unlike that of a platoon +of drummers, in scarlet coats, cotton lace, and cuffs and capes of white. What +renders the similitude more striking, is the fact that no two of the same +plantoon appear to be exactly of a size, as is very apt to be the case with +your votaries in military music. +</p> + +</div><!--end chapter--> + +<div class="chapter"> + +<h2><a name="link2HCH0025"></a> +CHAPTER XXV.<br/> +A FUNDAMENTAL PRINCIPLE, A FUNDAMENTAL LAW, AND A FUNDAMENTAL ERROR.</h2> + +<p> +The people of Leaplow are remarkable for the deliberation of their acts, the +moderation of their views, and the accumulation of their wisdom. As a matter of +course such a people is never in an indecent haste. Although I have now been +legally naturalized, and regularly elected to the great council fully +twenty-four hours, three entire days were allowed for the study of the +institutions, and to become acquainted with the genius of a nation, who, +according to their own account of the matter, have no parallel in heaven or +earth, or in the waters under the earth, before I was called upon to exercise +my novel and important functions. I profited by the delay and shall seize a +favorable moment to make the reader acquainted with some of my acquisitions on +this interesting topic. +</p> + +<p> +The institutions of Leaplow are divided into two great moral categories, viz.: +the LEGAL and the SUBSTITUTIVE. The former embraces the provisions of the great +ELEMENTARY, and the latter all the provisions of the great ALIMENTARY +principle. The first, accordingly, is limited by the constitution, or the Great +National Allegory, while the last is limited by nothing but practice; one +contains the proposition, and the other its deductions; this is all hypothesis, +that, all corollary. The two great political landmarks, the two public +opinions, the bob-upon-bobs, the rotatory action, and the great and little +wheels, are merely inferential, and I shall, therefore, say nothing about them +in my present treatise, which has a strict relation only to the fundamental law +of the land, or to the Great and Sacred National Allegory. +</p> + +<p> +It has been already stated that Leaplow was originally a scion of Leaphigh. The +political separation took place in the last generation, when the Leaplowers +publicly renounced Leaphigh and all it contained, just as your catechumen is +made to renounce the devil and all his works. This renunciation, which is also +sometimes called the DENUNCIATION, was much more to the liking of Leaplow than +to that of Leaphigh; and a long and sanguinary war was the consequence. The +Leaplowers, after a smart struggle, however, prevailed in their firm +determination to have no more to do with Leaphigh. The sequel will show how far +they were right. +</p> + +<p> +Even preceding the struggle, so active was the sentiment of patriotism and +independence, that the citizens of Leaplow, though ill-provided with the +productions of their own industry, proudly resorted to the self-denial of +refusing to import even a pin from the mother country, actually preferring +nakedness to submission. They even solemnly voted that their venerable +progenitor, instead of being, as she clearly ought to have been, a fond, +protecting, and indulgent parent, was, in truth, no other than a rapacious, +vindictive and tyrannical step-mother. This was the opinion, it will be +remembered, when the two communities were legally united, had but one head, +wore clothes, and necessarily pursued a multitude of their interests in common. +</p> + +<p> +By the lucky termination of the war, all this was radically changed. Leaplow +pointed her thumb at Leaphigh, and declared her intention henceforth to manage +her own affairs in her own way. In order to do this the more effectually, and, +at the same time, to throw dirt into the countenance of her late step-mother, +she determined that her own polity should run so near a parallel, and yet +should be so obviously an improvement on that of Leaphigh, as to demonstrate +the imperfections of the latter to the most superficial observer. That this +patriotic resolution was faithfully carried out in practice, I am now about to +demonstrate. +</p> + +<p> +In Leaphigh, the old human principle had long prevailed, that political +authority came from God; though why such a theory should ever have prevailed +anywhere, as Mr. Downright once expressed it, I cannot see, the devil very +evidently having a greater agency in its exercise than any other influence, or +intelligence, whatever. However, the jus divinum was the regulator of the +Leaphigh social compact, until the nobility managed to get the better of the +jus, when the divinum was left to shift for itself. It was at this epocha the +present constitution found its birth. Any one may have observed that one stick +placed on end will fall, as a matter of course, unless rooted in the earth. Two +sticks fare no better, even with their tops united; but three sticks form a +standard. This simple and beautiful idea gave rise to the Leaphigh polity. +Three moral props were erected in the midst of the community, at the foot of +one of which was placed the king, to prevent it from slipping; for all the +danger, under such a system, came from that of the base slipping; at the foot +of the second, the nobles; and at the foot of the third, the people. On the +summit of this tripod was raised the machine of state. This was found to be a +capital invention in theory, though practice, as practice is very apt to do, +subjected it to some essential modifications. The king, having his stick all +his own way, gave a great deal of trouble to the two other sets of +stick-holders; and, unwilling to disturb the theory, for that was deemed to be +irrevocably settled and sacred, the nobility, who, for their own particular +convenience, paid the principal workmen at the base of the people’s stick to +stand steady, set about the means of keeping the king’s stick, also, in a more +uniform and serviceable attitude. It was on this occasion that, discovering the +king never could keep his end of the great social stick in the place where he +had sworn to keep it, they solemnly declared that he must have forgotten where +the constitutional foot-hole was, and that he had irretrievably lost his +memory—a decision that was the remote cause of the recent calamity of Captain +Poke. The king was no sooner constitutionally deprived of his memory, than it +was an easy matter to strip him of all his other faculties; after which it was +humanely decreed, as indeed it ought to be in the case of a being so destitute, +that he could do no wrong. By way of following out the idea on a humane and +Christian-like principle, and in order to make one part of the practice conform +to the other, it was shortly after determined that he should do nothing; his +eldest first-cousin of the masculine gender being legally proclaimed his +substitute. In the end, the crimson curtain was drawn before the throne. As, +however, this cousin might begin to wriggle the stick in his turn, and derange +the balance of the tripod, the other two sets of stick-holders next decided +that, though his majesty had an undeniable constitutional right to say who +SHOULD BE his eldest first-cousin of the masculine gender, they had an +undoubted constitutional right to say who he SHOULD NOT BE. The result of all +this was a compromise; his majesty, who, like other people, found the sweets of +authority more palatable than the bitter, agreeing to get up on top of the +tripod, where he might appear seated on the machine of state, to receive +salutations, and eat and drink in peace, leaving the others to settle among +themselves who should do the work at the bottom, as well as they could. In +brief, such is the history, and such was the polity of Leaphigh, when I had the +honor of visiting that country. +</p> + +<p> +The Leaplowers were resolute to prove that all this was radically wrong. They +determined, in the first place, that there should be but one great social beam; +and, in order that it should stand perfectly steady, they made it the duty of +every citizen to prop its base. They liked the idea of a tripod well enough, +but, instead of setting one up in the Leaphigh fashion, they just reversed its +form, and stuck it on top of their beam, legs uppermost, placing a separate +agent on each leg, to work their machine of state; taking care, also, to send a +new one aloft periodically. They reasoned thus: If one of the Leaphigh beams +slip (and they will be very apt to slip in wet weather, with the king, nobles +and people wriggling and shoving against each other), down will come the whole +machine of state, or, to say the least, it will get so much awry as never to +work as well as at first; and therefore we will have none of it. If, on the +other hand, one of our agents makes a blunder and falls, why, he will only +break his own neck. He will, moreover, fall in the midst of us, and, should he +escape with life, we can either catch him and throw him back again, or we can +send a better hand up in his place, to serve out the rest of his time. They +also maintain that one beam, supported by all the citizens, is much less likely +to slip than three beams, supported by three powers of very uncertain, not to +say unequal, forces. +</p> + +<p> +Such, in effect, is the substance of the respective national allegories of +Leaphigh and of Leaplow; I say allegories, for both governments seem to rely on +this ingenious form of exhibiting their great distinctive national sentiments. +It would, in fact, be an improvement, were all constitutions henceforth to be +written in this manner, since they would necessarily be more explicit, +intelligible, and sacred than they are by the present attempt at literality. +</p> + +<p> +Having explained the governing principles of these two important states, I now +crave the reader’s attention, for a moment, while I go a little into the +details of the MODUS OPERANDI, in both cases. +</p> + +<p> +Leaphigh acknowledged a principle, in the outset, that Leaplow totally +disclaimed, viz., that of primogeniture. Being an only child myself, and having +no occasion for research on this interesting subject, I never knew the basis of +this peculiar right, until I came to read the great Leaphigh commentator, +Whiterock, on the governing rules of the social compact. I there found that the +first-born, MORALLY considered, is thought to have better claims to the honors +of the genealogical tree, on the father’s side, than those offspring whose +origin is to be referred to a later period in connubial life. On this obvious +and highly discriminating principle, the crown, the rights of the nobles, and +indeed all other rights, are transferred from father to son, in the direct male +line, according to primogeniture. +</p> + +<p> +Nothing of this is practised in Leaplow. There, the supposition of legitimacy +is as much in favor of the youngest as of the oldest born, and the practice is +in conformity. As there is no hereditary chief to poise on one of the legs of +the great tripod, the people at the foot of the beam choose one from among +themselves, periodically, who is called the Great Sachem. The same people +choose another set, few in number, who occupy a common seat, on another leg. +These they term the Riddles. Another set, still more numerous and popular in +aspect, if not in fact, fills a large seat on the third leg. These last, from +their being supposed to be supereminently popular and disinterested, are +familiarly known as the Legion. They are also pleasantly nicknamed the Bobees, +an appellation that took its rise in the circumstance that most of the members +of their body have submitted to the second dock, and, indeed, have nearly +obliterated every sign of a CAUDA. I had, most luckily, been chosen to sit in +the House of Bobees, a station for which I felt myself well qualified, in this +great essential at least; for all the anointing and forcing resorted to by Noah +and myself, during our voyage out, and our residence in Leaphigh, had not +produced so much as a visible sprout in either. +</p> + +<p> +The Great Sachem, the Riddles, and the Legion, had conjoint duties to perform, +in certain respects, and separate duties in others. All three, as they owed +their allegorical elevation to, so were they dependent on, the people at the +foot of the great social stick, for approbation and reward—that is to say for +all rewards other than those which they have it in their power to bestow on +themselves. There was another authority, or agent of the public, that is +equally perched on the social beam, though not quite so dependent as the three +just named, upon the main prop of the people—being also propped by a mechanical +disposition of the tripod itself. These are termed the Supreme Arbitrators, and +their duties are to revise the acts of the other three agents of the people, +and to decide whether they are or are not in conformity with the recognized +principles of the Sacred Allegory. +</p> + +<p> +I was greatly delighted with my own progress in the study of the Leaplow +institutions. In the first place, I soon discovered that the principal thing +was to reverse the political knowledge I had acquired in Leaphigh, as one would +turn a tub upside-down, when he wished to draw from its stores at a fresh end, +and then I was pretty sure of being within at least the spirit of the Leaplow +law. Everything seemed simple, for all was dependent on the common prop, at the +base of the great social beam. +</p> + +<p> +Having got a thorough insight myself into the governing principles of the +system under which I had been chosen to serve, I went to look up my colleague, +Captain Poke, in order to ascertain how he understood the great Leaplow +Allegory. +</p> + +<p> +I found the mind of the sealer, according to a beautiful form of speech already +introduced in this narrative, “considerably exercised,” on the several subjects +that so naturally presented themselves to a man in his situation. In the first +place, he was in a towering passion at the impudence of Bob in presuming to +offer himself as a candidate for the great council; and having offered himself, +the rage of the Captain was in no degree abated by the circumstance of the +young rascal’s being at the head of the poll. He most unreservedly swore “that +no subordinate of his should ever sit in the same legislative body with +himself; that he was a republican by birth, and knew the usages of republican +governments quite as well as the best patriot among them; and although he +admitted that all sorts of critters were sent to Congress in his country, no +man ever knew an instance of a cabin-boy’s being sent there. They might elect +just as much as they pleased; but coming ashore, and playing politician were +very different things from cleaning his boots, and making his coffee, and +mixing his grog.” The captain had just been waited on by a committee of the +Perpendiculars (half the Leaplow community is on some committee or other), by +whom he had been elected, and they had given notice, that instructions would be +sent in, forthwith, to all their representatives, to perform gyration No. 3, as +soon after the meeting of the council as possible. He was no tumbler, and he +had sent for a master of political saltation, who had just been with him +practising. According to Noah’s own statement, his success was anything but +flattering. “If they would give a body room, Sir John,” he said, in a +complaining accent, “I should think nothing of it—but you are expected to stand +shoulder to shoulder—yard-arm and yard-arm—and throw a flap-jack as handy as an +old woman would toss a johnny-cake! It’s unreasonable to think of wearing ship +without room; but give me room, and I’ll engage to get round on the other tack, +and to luff into the line again, as safely as the oldest cruiser among ’em, +though not quite so quick. They do go about spitefully, that’s sartain.” +</p> + +<p> +Nor were the Great National Allegories without their difficulties. Noah +perfectly understood the images of the two tripods, though he was disposed to +think that neither was properly secured. A mast would make but bad weather, he +maintained, let it be ever so well rigged and stayed, without being also +securely stepped. He saw no use in trusting the heels of the beams to anybody. +Good lashings were what were wanted, and then the people might go about their +private affairs, and not fear the work would fall. That the king of Leaphigh +had no memory, he could testify from bitter experience; nor did he believe that +he had any conscience; and, chiefly he desired to know if we, when we got up +into our places on the top of the three inverted beams, among the other Bobees, +were to make war on the Great Sachem and the Riddles, or whether we were to +consider the whole affair as a good thing, in which the wisest course would be +to make fair weather of it? +</p> + +<p> +To all these remarks and questions I answered as well as my own limited +experience would allow; taking care to inform my friend that he had conceived +the whole matter a little too literally, as all that he had been reading about +the great political beams, the tripods, and the legislative boxes, was merely +an allegory. +</p> + +<p> +“And pray, then, Sir John, what may an allegory be?” +</p> + +<p> +“In this case, my good sir, it is a constitution.” +</p> + +<p> +“And what is a constitution?” +</p> + +<p> +“Why, it is sometimes as you perceive, an allegory.” +</p> + +<p> +“And are we not to be mast-headed, then, according to the book?” +</p> + +<p> +“Figuratively, only.” +</p> + +<p> +“But there are actually such critters as the Great Sachem, and Riddles, and +above all, the Bobees!—We are boney fie-diddle-di-dee elected?” +</p> + +<p> +“Boney fie-diddle-di-dee.” +</p> + +<p> +“And may I take the liberty of asking, what it is our duty to do?” +</p> + +<p> +“We are to act practically—according to the literality of the legal, implied, +figurative, allegorical significations of the Great National Compact under a +legitimate construction.” +</p> + +<p> +“I fear we shall have to work doubletides, Sir John, to do so much in so short +a time! Do you mean that, in honest truth, there is no beam?” +</p> + +<p> +“There is, and there is not.” +</p> + +<p> +“No fore, main, and mizzen tops, according to what is here written down?” +</p> + +<p> +“There is not, and there is.” +</p> + +<p> +“Sir John, in the name of God, speak out! Is all this about eight dollars a +day, no better than a take in?” +</p> + +<p> +“That, I believe is strictly literal.” +</p> + +<p> +As Noah now seemed a little mollified, I seized the opportunity to tell him he +must beware how he attempted to stop Bob from attending the council. Members +were privileged, going and coming; and unless he was guarded in his course, he +might have some unpleasant collision with the sergeant-at-arms. Besides, it was +unbecoming the dignity of a legislator to be wrangling about trifles, and he, +to whom was confided the great affairs of a state, ought to attach the utmost +importance to a grave exterior, which commonly was of more account with his +constituents than any other quality. Any one could tell whether he was grave or +not, but it was by no means so easy a matter to tell whether he or his +constituents had the greater cause to appear so. Noah promised to be discreet, +and we parted, not to meet again until we assembled to be sworn in. +</p> + +<p> +Before continuing the narrative, I will just mention that we disposed of our +commercial investments that morning. All the Leaphigh opinions brought good +prices; and I had occasion to see how well the brigadier understood the market +by the eagerness with which, in particular, the Opinions on the State of +Society in Leaplow were bought up. But, by one of those unexpected windfalls +which raise up so many of the chosen of the earth to their high places, the +cook did better than any of us. It will be remembered, that he had bartered an +article of merchandise that he called slush against a neglected bale of +Distinctive Leaplow Opinions, which had no success at all in Leaphigh. Coming +as they did from abroad, these articles had taken as novelties in Bivouac, and +he sold them all before night, at enormous advances; the cry being that +something new and extraordinary had found its way into the market. +</p> + +</div><!--end chapter--> + +<div class="chapter"> + +<h2><a name="link2HCH0026"></a> +CHAPTER XXVI.<br/> +HOW TO ENACT LAWS—ORATORY, LOGIC, AND ELOQUENCE; ALL CONSIDERED IN THEIR +EVERY-DAY ASPECTS.</h2> + +<p> +Political oaths are very much the same sort of thing everywhere, and I shall +say no more about our inauguration than simply to state it took place as usual. +The two houses were duly organized, and we proceeded, without delay, to the +transaction of business. I will here state that I was much rejoiced to find +Brigadier Downright among the Bobees, the captain whispering that most probably +he had been mistaken for an “immigrunt,” and chosen accordingly. +</p> + +<p> +It was not a great while before the Great Sachem sent us a communication, which +contained a compte rendue of the state of the nation. Like most accounts it is +my good fortune to receive, I thought it particularly long. Agreeably to the +opinions of this document, the people of Leaplow were, by a good deal, the +happiest people in the world; they were also considerably more respected, +esteemed, beloved, honored, and properly appreciated, than any other monikin +community, and, in short, they were the admiration and glory of the universe. I +was exceedingly glad to hear this, for some of the facts were quite new to me; +a circumstance which shows one can never get correct notions of a nation except +from itself. +</p> + +<p> +These important facts properly digested, we all of us set about our several +duties with a zeal that spoke fairly for our industry and integrity. Things +commenced swimmingly, and it was not long before the Riddles sent us a +resolution for concurrence, by way of opening the ball. It was conceived in the +following terms: “Resolved, that the color which has hitherto been deemed to be +black, is really white.” +</p> + +<p> +As this was the first resolution that involved a principle on which we had been +required to vote, I suggested to Noah the propriety of our going round to the +brigadier, and inquiring what might be the drift of so singular a proposition. +Our colleague answered the question with great good-nature, giving us to +understand that the Perpendiculars and the Horizontals had long been at +variance on the mere coloring property of various important questions, and the +real matter involved in the resolution was not visible. The former had always +maintained (by always, he meant ever since the time they maintained the +contrary) the doctrine of the resolution, and the latter its converse. A +majority of the Riddles, just at this moment, are Perpendiculars; and, as it +was now seen, they had succeeded in getting a vote on their favorite principle. +</p> + +<p> +“According to this account of the matter, Sir John,” observed the captain, “I +shall be compelled to maintain that black is white, seeing that I am in on the +Parpendic’lar interest?” +</p> + +<p> +I thought with the captain, and was pleased that my own legislative debut was +not to be characterized by the promulgation of any doctrine so much at variance +with my preconceived ways of thinking. Curious, however, to know his opinion, I +asked the brigadier in what light he felt disposed to view the matter himself. +</p> + +<p> +“I am elected by the Tangents,” he said; “and, by what I can learn, it is the +intention of our friends to steer a middle course; and one of our leaders is +already selected, who, at a proper stage of the affair, is to move an +amendment.” +</p> + +<p> +“Can you refer me, my dear friend, to anything connected with the Great +National Allegory that bears on this point?” +</p> + +<p> +“Why, there is a clause among the fundamental and immutable laws, which it is +thought was intended to meet this very case; but, unhappily, the sages by whom +our Allegory was drawn up have not paid quite as much attention to the +phraseology as the importance of the subject demanded.” +</p> + +<p> +Here the brigadier laid his finger on the clause in question, and I returned to +a seat to study its meaning. It was conceived as follows:—Art. IV. Clause 6: +“The Great National Council shall, in no case whatever, pass any law, or +resolution, declaring white to be black.” +</p> + +<p> +After studying this fundamental enactment to the bottom, turning it on every +side, and finally considering it upside-down, I came to the conclusion that its +tenor was, on the whole, rather more favorable than unfavorable to the +Horizontal doctrine. It struck me, a very good argument was to be made out of +the constitutional question, and that it presented a very fair occasion for a +new member to venture on a maiden speech. Having so settled the matter, +entirely to my own satisfaction, I held myself in reserve, waiting for the +proper moment to produce an effect. +</p> + +<p> +It was not long before the chairman of the committee on the judiciary (one of +the effects of the resolution was entirely to change the coloring of all +testimony throughout the vast Republic of Leaplow) made his report on the +subject-matter of the resolution. This person was a Tangent, who had a +besetting wish to become a Riddle, although the leaning of our house was +decidedly Horizontal; and, as a matter of course, he took the Riddle side of +this question. The report, itself, required seven hours in the reading, +commencing with the subject at the epocha of the celebrated caucus that was +adjourned sine die, by the disruption of the earth’s crust, and previously to +the distribution of the great monikin family into separate communities, and +ending with the subject of the resolution in his hand. The reporter had set his +political palette with the utmost care, having completely covered the subject +with neutral tints, before he got through with it, and glazing the whole down +with ultramarine, in such a way as to cause the eye to regard the matter +through a fictitious atmosphere. Finally, he repeated the resolution, verbatim, +and as it came from the other house. +</p> + +<p> +Mr. Speaker now called upon gentlemen to deliver their sentiments. To my utter +amazement, Captain Poke arose, put his tobacco back into its box, and opened +the debate without apology. +</p> + +<p> +The honorable captain said he understood this question to be one implicating +the liberties of everybody. He understood the matter literally, as it was +propounded in the Allegory, and set forth in the resolution; and, as such, he +intended to look at it with unprejudiced eyes. “The natur’ of this proposal lay +altogether in color. What is color, after all? Make the most of it, and in the +most favorable position, which, perhaps, is the cheek of a comely young woman, +and it is but skin-deep. He remembered the time when a certain female in +another part of the univarse, who is commonly called Miss Poke, might have +out-rosed the best rose in a placed called Stunnin’tun; and what did it all +amount to? He shouldn’t ask Miss Poke herself, for obvious reasons—but he would +ask any of the neighbors how she looked now? Quitting female natur’, he would +come to human natur’ generally. He had often remarked that sea water was blue, +and he had frequently caused pails to be lowered, and the water brought on +deck, to see if he could come at any of this blueing matter—for indigo was both +scarce and dear in his part of the world, but he never could make out anything +by the experiment; from which he concluded that, on the whull, there was pretty +much no such thing as color, at all. +</p> + +<p> +“As for the resolution before the house, it depended entirely on the meaning of +words. Now, after all, what is a word? Why, some people’s words are good, and +other people’s words are good for nothing. For his part, he liked sealed +instruments—which might be because he was a sealer—but as for mere words, he +set but little store by them. He once tuck a man’s word for his wages; and the +long and short of it was, that he lost his money. He had known a thousand +instances in which words had proved to be of no value, and he did not see why +some gentlemen wished to make them of so much importance here. For his part, he +was for puffing up nothing, no, not even a word or a color, above its desarts. +The people seemed to call for a change in the color of things, and he called +upon gentlemen to remember that this was a free country, and one in which the +laws ruled; and therefore he trusted they would be disposed to adapt the laws +to the wants of the people. What had the people asked of the house in this +matter? So far as his knowledge went, they had really asked nothing in words, +but he understood there was great discontent on the subject of the old colors; +and he construed their silence into an expression of contempt for words in +general. He was a Parpendic’lar, and he should always maintain Parpendic’lar +sentiments. Gentlemen might not agree with him, but, for one, he was not +disposed to jipordyze the liberties of his constituents, and therefore he gave +the rizolution just as it came from the Riddles, without altering a +letter—although he did think there was one word misspelt—he meant ‘really,’ +which he had been taught to spell ‘ra’aily’—but he was ready to sacrifice even +his opinions on this point to the good of the country; and therefore he went +with the Riddles, even to their misprints. He hoped the rizolution would pass, +with the entire unanimity so important a subject demanded.” +</p> + +<p> +This speech produced a very strong sensation. Up to this time, the principal +orators of the house had been much in the practice of splitting hairs about +some nice technicality in the Great Allegory; but Noah, with the simplicity of +a truly great mind, had made a home thrust at the root of the whole matter; +laying about him with the single-first, I made a few apposite remarks on the +necessity of respecting the vital ordinances of the body politic, and asked the +attention of my hearers while I read to them a particular clause, which it had +struck me had some allusion to the very point now in consideration. Having thus +cleared the way, I had not the folly to defeat the objects of so much +preparation, by an indiscreet precipitancy. So far from it, previously to +reading the extract from the constitution, I waited until the attention of +every member present was attracted more forcibly by the dignity, deliberation, +and gravity of my manner, than by the substance of what had yet been said. In +the midst of this deep silence and expectation I read aloud, in a voice that +reached every cranny in the hall— +</p> + +<p> +“The great council shall, in no case whatever, pass any law, or resolution, +declaring white to be black.” +</p> + +<p> +If I had been calm in the presentation of this authority, I was equally +self-possessed in waiting for its effect. Looking about me I saw surprise, +perplexity, doubt, wonder, and uncertainty in every countenance, if I did not +find conviction. One fact embarrassed even me. Our friends the Horizontals were +evidently quite as much at fault as our opponents the Perpendiculars, instead +of being, as I had good reason to hope, in an ecstasy of pleasure on hearing +their cause sustained by an authority so weighty. +</p> + +<p> +“Will the honorable member have the goodness to explain from what author he has +quoted?” one of the leading Perpendiculars at length ventured to inquire. +</p> + +<p> +“The language you have just heard, Mr. Speaker,” I resumed, believing that now +was the favorable instant to follow up the matter, “is language that must find +an echo in every heart—it is language that can never be used in vain in this +venerable hall, language that carries with it conviction and command.”—I +observed that the members were now fairly gaping at each other with +wonder.—“Sir, I am asked to name the author from whom I have quoted these +sententious and explicit words—Sir, what you have just heard is to be found in +the Article IV., Clause 6, of the Great National Allegory—” +</p> + +<p> +“Order—order—order!” shouted a hundred raven throats. +</p> + +<p> +I stood aghast, even more amazed than the house itself had been only the +instant before. +</p> + +<p> +“Order—order—order—order—order!” continued to be yelled, as if a million of +demons were screeching in the hall. +</p> + +<p> +“The honorable member will please to recollect,” said the bland and ex-officio +impartial speaker, who, by the way, was a Perpendicular, elected by fraud, +“that it is out of order to use personalities.” +</p> + +<p> +“Personalities! I do not understand, sir—” +</p> + +<p> +“The instrument to which the honorable member has alluded, his own good sense +will tell him, was never written by itself—so far from this, the very members +of the convention by which it was drawn up, are at this instant members of this +house, and most of them supporters of the resolution now before the house; and +it will be deemed personal to throw into their faces former official acts, in +this unheard-of manner. I am sorry it is my duty to say, that the honorable +member is entirely out of order.” +</p> + +<p> +“But, sir, the Sacred National—” +</p> + +<p> +“Sacred, sir, beyond a doubt—but in a sense different from what you +imagine—much too sacred, sir, ever to be alluded to here. There are the works +of the commentators, the books of constructions, and specially the writings of +various foreign and perfectly disinterested statesmen—need I name Ekrub in +particular!—that are at the command of members; but so long as I am honored +with a seat in this chair, I shall peremptorily decide against all +personalities.” +</p> + +<p> +I was dumfounded. The idea that the authority itself would be refused never +crossed my mind, though I had anticipated a sharp struggle on its construction. +The constitution only required that no law should be passed declaring black to +be white, whereas the resolution merely ordered that henceforth white should be +black. Here was matter for discussion, nor was I at all sanguine as to the +result; but to be thus knocked on the head by a club, in the outset, was too +much for the modesty of a maiden speech. I took my seat in confusion; and I +plainly saw that the Perpendiculars, by their sneers, now expected to carry +everything triumphantly their own way. This, most probably, would have been the +case, had not one of the Tangents immediately got the floor, to move the +amendment. To the vast indignation of Captain Poke, and, in some degree, to my +own mortification, this duty was intrusted to the Hon. Robert Smut. Mr. Smut +commenced with entreating members not to be led away by the sophistry of the +first speaker. That honorable member, no doubt, felt himself called upon to +defend the position taken by his friends; but those that knew him well, as it +had been his fate to know him, must be persuaded that his sentiments had, at +least, undergone a sudden and miraculous change. That honorable member denied +the existence of color at all! He would ask that honorable member if he had +never been instrumental himself in producing what is generally called “black +and blue color”? He should like to know if that honorable member placed as +little value, at present, on blows as he now seemed to set on words. He begged +pardon of the house—but this was a matter of great interest to himself—he knew +that there never had been a greater manufacturer of “black and blue color” than +that honorable member, and he wondered at his now so pertinaciously denying the +existence of colors, and at his wish to underrate their value. For his part, he +trusted he understood the importance of words, and the value of hues; and while +he did not exactly see the necessity of deeming black so inviolable as some +gentlemen appeared to think it, he was not by any means prepared to go as far +as those who had introduced this resolution. He did not believe that public +opinion was satisfied with maintaining that black was black, but he thought it +was not yet disposed to affirm that black was white. He did not say that such a +day might not arrive; he only maintained that it had not yet arrived, and with +a view to meet that which he believed was the public sentiment, he should move, +by way of amendment, to strike out the whole of the resolution after the word +“really,” and insert that which would cause the whole resolution to read as +follows, viz.: +</p> + +<p> +“Resolved, that the color which has hitherto been deemed to be black, is really +lead-color.” +</p> + +<p> +Hereupon, the Honorable Mr. Smut took his seat, leaving the house to its own +ruminations. The leaders of the Perpendiculars, foreseeing that if they got +half-way this session, they might effect the rest of their object the next, +determined to accept the compromise; and the resolution, amended, passed by a +handsome majority. So this important point was finally decided for the moment, +leaving great hopes among the Perpendiculars of being able to lay the +Horizontals even flatter on their backs than they were just then. +</p> + +<p> +The next question that presented itself was of far less interest, exciting no +great attention. To understand it, however, it will be necessary to refer a +little to history. The government of Leapthrough had, about sixty-three years +before, caused one hundred and twenty-six Leaplow ships to be burned on the +high seas, or otherwise destroyed. The pretence was, that they incommoded +Leapthrough. Leaplow was much too great a nation to submit to so heinous an +outrage, while, at the same time, she was much too magnanimous and wise a +nation to resent it in an every-day and vulgar manner. Instead of getting in a +passion and loading her cannon, she summoned all her logic and began to reason. +After reasoning the matter with Leapthrough for fifty-two years, or until all +the parties who had been wronged were dead, and could no longer be benefited by +her logic, she determined to abate two-thirds of her pretensions in a pecuniary +sense, and all her pretensions in an honorary sense, and to compromise the +affair by accepting a certain insignificant sum of money as a salve to the +whole wrong. Leapthrough conditioned to pay this money, in the most solemn and +satisfactory manner; and everybody was delighted with the amicable termination +of a very vexatious and a seemingly interminable discussion. Leapthrough was +quite as glad to get rid of the matter as Leaplow, and very naturally, under +all the circumstances, thought the whole thing at length done with, when she +conditioned to pay the money. The Great Sachem of Leaplow, most unfortunately, +however, had a “will of iron,” or, in other words, he thought the money ought +to be paid as well as conditioned to be paid. This despotic construction of the +bargain had given rise to unheard-of dissatisfaction in Leapthrough, as indeed +might have been expected; but it was, oddly enough, condemned with some heat +even in Leaplow itself, where it was stoutly maintained by certain ingenious +logicians, that the only true way to settle a bargain to pay money, was to make +a new one for a less sum whenever the amount fell due; a plan that, with a +proper moderation and patience would be certain, in time, to extinguish the +whole debt. +</p> + +<p> +Several very elaborate patriots had taken this matter in hand, and it was now +about to be presented to the house under four different categories. Category +No. 1, had the merit of simplicity and precision. It proposed merely that +Leaplow should pay the money itself, and take up the bond, using its own funds. +Category No. 2, embraced a recommendation of the Great Sachem for Leaplow to +pay itself, using, however, certain funds of Leapthrough. Category No. 3 was a +proposal to offer ten millions to Leapthrough to say no more about the +transaction at all. Category No. 4, was to commence the negotiating or abating +system mentioned, without delay, in order to extinguish the claim by +instalments as soon as possible. +</p> + +<p> +The question came up on the consideration of the different projects connected +with these four leading principles. My limits will not admit of a detailed +history of the debate. All I can do, is merely to give an outline of the logic +that these various propositions set in motion, of the legislative ingenuity of +which they were the parents, and of the multitude of legitimate conclusions +that so naturally followed. +</p> + +<p> +In favor of category No 1, it was urged that, by adopting its leading idea, the +affair would be altogether in our own hands, and might consequently be settled +with greater attention to purely Leaplow interests; that further delay could +only proceed from our own negligence; that no other project was so likely to +get rid of this protracted negotiation in so short a time; that by paying the +debt with the Leaplow funds, we should be sure of receiving its amount in the +good legal currency of the republic; that it would be singularly economical, as +the agent who paid might also be authorized to receive, whereby there would be +a saving in salary; and, finally, that under this category, the whole affair +might be brought within the limits of a nutshell, and the compass of any one’s +understanding. +</p> + +<p> +In favor of category No. 2, little more than very equivocal sophisms, which +savored strongly of commonplace opinions, were presented. It was pretended, for +instance, that he who signed a bond was in equity bound to pay it; that, if he +refused, the other party had the natural and legal remedy of compulsion; that +it might not always be convenient for a creditor to pay all the obligations of +other people which he might happen to hold; that if his transactions were +extensive, money might be wanting to carry out such a principle; and that, as a +precedent, it would comport much more with Leaplow prudence and discretion to +maintain the old and tried notions of probity and justice, than to enter on the +unknown ocean of uncertainty that was connected with the new opinions, by +admitting which, we could never know when we were fairly out of debt. +</p> + +<p> +Category No. 3, was discussed on an entirely new system of logic, which +appeared to have great favor with that class of the members who were of the +more refined school of ethics. These orators referred the whole matter to a +sentiment of honor. They commenced by drawing vivid pictures of the outrages in +which the original wrongs had been committed. They spoke of ruined families, +plundered mariners, and blasted hopes. They presented minute arithmetical +calculations to show that just forty times as much wrong had, in fact, been +done, as this bond assumed; and that, as the case actually stood, Leaplow +ought, in strict justice, to receive exactly forty times the amount of the +money that was actually included in the instrument. Turning from these +interesting details, they next presented the question of honor. Leapthrough, by +attacking the Leaplow flag, and invading Leaplow rights, had made it +principally a question of honor, and, in disposing of it, the principle of +honor ought never to be lost sight of. It was honorable to PAY ones’ debts—this +no one could dispute but it was not so clear, by any means, that there was any +honor in RECEIVING ones’ dues. The national honor was concerned; and they +called on members, as they cherished the sacred sentiment, to come forward and +sustain it by their votes. As the matter stood, Leaplow had the best of it. In +compounding with her creditor, as had been done in the treaty, Leapthrough lost +some honor—in refusing to pay the bond, she lost still more; and now, if we +should send her the ten millions proposed, and she should have the weakness to +accept it, we should fairly get our foot upon her neck, and she could never +look us in the face again! +</p> + +<p> +The category No. 4, brought up a member who had made political economy his +chief study. This person presented the following case:—According to his +calculations, the wrong had been committed precisely sixty-three years, and +twenty-six days, and two-thirds of a day ago. For the whole of that long period +Leaplow had been troubled with this vexatious question, which had hung like a +cloud over the otherwise unimpaired brightness of her political landscape. It +was time to get rid of it. The sum stipulated was just twenty-five millions, to +be paid in twenty-five annual instalments, of a million each. Now, he proposed +to reduce the instalments to one-half the number, but in no way to change the +sum. That point ought to be considered as irrevocably settled. This would +diminish the debt one-half. Before the first instalment should become due he +would effect a postponement, by diminishing the instalments again to six, +referring the time to the latest periods named in the last treaty, and always +most sacredly keeping the sums precisely the same. It would be impossible to +touch the sums, which, he repeated, ought to be considered as sacred. Before +the expiration of the first seven years, a new arrangement might reduce the +instalments to two, or even to one—always respecting the sum; and finally, at +the proper moment, a treaty could be concluded, declaring that there should be +no instalment at all, reserving the point, that if there HAD been an +instalment, Leaplow could never have consented to reduce it below one million. +The result would be that in about five-and-twenty years the country would be +fairly rid of the matter, and the national character, which it was agreed on +all hands was even now as high as it well could be, would probably be raised +many degrees higher. The negotiations had commenced in a spirit of compromise; +and our character for consistency required that this spirit of compromise +should continue to govern our conduct as long as a single farthing remained +unpaid. +</p> + +<p> +This idea took wonderfully; and I do believe it would have passed by a handsome +majority, had not a new proposition been presented, by an orator of singularly +pathetic powers. +</p> + +<p> +The new speaker objected to all four of the categories. He said that each and +every one of them would lead to war. Leapthrough was a chivalrous and +high-minded nation, as was apparent by the present aspect of things. Should we +presume to take up the bond, using our own funds, it would mortally offend her +pride, and she would fight us; did we presume to take up the bond, using her +funds, it would offend her financial system, and she would fight us; did we +presume to offer her ten millions to say no more about the matter, it would +offend her dignity by intimating that she was to be bought off from her rights, +and she would fight us; did we presume to adopt the system of new negotiations, +it would mortally offend her honor, by intimating that she would not respect +her old negotiations, and she would fight us. He saw war in all four of the +categories. He was for a peace category, and he thought he held in his hand a +proposition, that by proper management, using the most tender delicacy, and +otherwise respecting the sensibilities of the high and honorable nation in +question, we might possibly get out of this embarrassing dilemma without +actually coming to blows—he said to blows, for he wished to impress on +honorable members the penalties of war. He invited gentlemen to recollect that +a conflict between two great nations was a serious affair. If Leapthrough were +a little nation, it would be a different matter, and the contest might be +conducted in a corner; our honor was intimately connected with all we did with +great nations. What was war? Did gentlemen know? He would tell them. +</p> + +<p> +Here the orator drew a picture of war that caused suffering monikinity to +shudder. He viewed it in its four leading points: its religious, its pecuniary, +its political, and its domestic penalties. He described war to be the demon +state of the monikin mind; as opposed to worship, to charity, brotherly love, +and all the virtues. On its pecuniary penalties, he touched by exhibiting a +tax-sheet. Buttons which cost sixpence a gross, he assured the house, would +shortly cost sevenpence a gross.—Here he was reminded that monikins no longer +wore buttons.—No matter, they bought and sold buttons, and the effects on trade +were just the same. The political penalties of war he fairly showed to be +frightful; but when he came to speak of the domestic penalties, there was not a +dry eye in the house. Captain Poke blubbered so loud that I was in an agony +lest he should be called to order. +</p> + +<p> +“Regard that pure spirit,” he cried, “crushed as it has been in the whirlwind +of war. Behold her standing over the sod that covers the hero of his country, +the husband of her virgin affections. In vain the orphan at her side turns its +tearful eye upwards, and asks for the plumes that so lately pleased its infant +fancy; in vain its gentle voice inquires when he is to return, when he is to +gladden their hearts with his presence—” But I can write no more. Sobs +interrupted the speaker, and he took his seat in an ecstasy of godliness and +benevolence. +</p> + +<p> +I hurried across the house, to beg the brigadier would introduce me to this +just monikin without a moment’s delay. I felt as if I could take him to my +heart at once, and swear an eternal friendship with a spirit so benevolent. The +brigadier was too much agitated, at first, to attend to me; but, after wiping +his eyes at least a hundred times, he finally succeeded in arresting the +torrents, and looked upwards with a bland smile. +</p> + +<p> +“Is he not a wonderful monikin?” +</p> + +<p> +“Wonderful indeed! How completely he puts us all to shame!—Such a monikin can +only be influenced by the purest love for the species.” +</p> + +<p> +“Yes, he is of a class that we call the third monikinity. Nothing excites our +zeal like the principles of the class of which he is a member!” +</p> + +<p> +“How! Have you more than one class of the humane?” +</p> + +<p> +“Certainly—the Original, the Representative, and the Speculative.” +</p> + +<p> +“I am devoured by the desire to understand the distinctions, my dear +brigadier.” +</p> + +<p> +“The Original is an every-day class, that feels under the natural impulses. The +Representative is a more intellectual division, that feels chiefly by proxy. +The Speculatives are those whose sympathies are excited by positive interests, +like the last speaker. This person has lately bought a farm by the acre, which +he is about to sell, in village lots, by the foot, and war will knock the whole +thing in the head. It is this which stimulates his benevolence in so lively a +manner.” +</p> + +<p> +“Why, this is no more than a development of the social-stake system—” +</p> + +<p> +I was interrupted by the speaker, who called the house to order. The vote on +the resolution of the last orator was to be taken. It read as follows:— +</p> + +<p> +“Resolved, that it is altogether unbecoming the dignity and character of +Leapthrough, for Leaplow to legislate on the subject of so petty a +consideration as a certain pitiful treaty between the two countries.” +</p> + +<p> +“Unanimity—unanimity!” was shouted by fifty voices. Unanimity there was; and +then the whole house set to work shaking hands and hugging each other, in pure +joy at the success of the honorable and ingenious manner in which it had got +rid of this embarrassing and impertinent question. +</p> + +</div><!--end chapter--> + +<div class="chapter"> + +<h2><a name="link2HCH0027"></a> +CHAPTER XXVII.<br/> +AN EFFECT OF LOGARITHMS ON MORALS—AN OBSCURATION, A DISSERTATION, AND A CALCULATION.</h2> + +<p> +The house had not long adjourned before Captain Poke and myself were favored +with a visit from our colleague Mr. Downright, who came on an affair of +absorbing interest. He carried in his hand a small pamphlet; and the usual +salutations were scarcely over, before he directed our attention to a portion +of its contents. It would seem that Leaplow was on the eve of experiencing a +great moral eclipse. The periods and dates of the phenomenon (if that can be +called a phenomenon which was of too frequent occurrence) had been calculated, +with surprising accuracy, by the Academy of Leaphigh, and sent, through its +minister, as an especial favor, to our beloved country in order that we should +not be taken by surprise. The account of the affair read as follows:— +</p> + +<p> +“On the third day of the season of nuts, there will be the commencement of a +great moral eclipse, in that portion of the monikin region which lies +immediately about the pole. The property in eclipse will be the great moral +postulate usually designated by the term Principle; and the intervening body +will be the great immoral postulate, usually known as Interest. The frequent +occurrence of the conjunction of these two important postulates has caused our +moral mathematicians to be rather negligent of their calculations on this +subject of late years; but, to atone for this inexcusable indifference to one +of the most important concerns of life, the calculating committee was +instructed to pay unusual attention to all the obscurations of the present +year, and this phenomenon, one of the most decided of our age, has been +calculated with the utmost nicety and care. We give the results. +</p> + +<p> +“The eclipse will commence by a motive of monikin vanity coming in contact with +the sub-postulate of charity, at 1 A. M. The postulate in question will be +totally hid from view, in the course of 6 h. 17 m. from the moment of contact. +The passage of a political intrigue will instantly follow, when the several +sub-postulates of truth, honesty, disinterestedness, and patriotism, will all +be obscured in succession, beginning with the lower limb of the first, and +ending with all the limbs of the whole of them, in 3 h. 42 m. from the moment +of contact. The shadow of vanity and political intrigue will first be deepened +by the approach of prosperity, and this will be soon succeeded by the contact +of a great pecuniary interest, at 10 h. 2 m. 1s.; and in exactly 2 m. and 3-7 +s., the whole of the great moral postulate of Principle will be totally hid +from view. In consequence of this early passage of the darkest shadow that is +ever cast by Interest, the passages of the respective shadows of ambition, +hatred, jealousy, and all the other minor satellites of Interest, will be +invisible. +</p> + +<p> +“The country principally affected by this eclipse will be the Republic of +Leaplow, a community whose known intelligence and virtues are perhaps better +qualified to resist its influence than any other. The time of occultation will +be 9 y. 7 m. 26 d. 4 h. 16 m. 2 s. Principle will begin to reappear to the +moral eye at the end of this period, first by the approach of Misfortune, whose +atmosphere being much less dense than that of Interest, will allow of imperfect +views of the obscured postulate; but the radiance of the latter will not be +completely restored until the arrival of Misery, whose chastening colors +invariably permit all truths to be discernible, although through a sombre +medium. To resume: +</p> + +<p> +“Beginning of eclipse, 1 A. M. +</p> + +<p> +Ecliptic opposition, in 4 y. 6 m. 12 d. 9 h. from beginning of eclipse. +</p> + +<p> +Middle, in 4 y. 9 m. 0 d. 7 h. 9 m. from beginning of eclipse. +</p> + +<p> +End of eclipse, 9 y. 11 m. 20 d. 3 h. 2 m. from beginning. +</p> + +<p> +Period of occultation, 9 y. 7 m. 26 d. 4 h. 16 m. 2 s.” +</p> + +<p> +I gazed at the brigadier in admiration and awe. There was nothing remarkable in +the eclipse itself, which was quite an every-day affair; but the precision with +which it had been calculated added to its other phenomena the terrible +circumstance of obtaining a glimpse into the future, I now began to perceive +the immense difference between living consciously under a moral shadow, and +living under it unconsciously. The latter was evidently a trifle compared with +the former. Providence had most kindly provided for our happiness in denying +the ability to see beyond the present moment. +</p> + +<p> +Noah took the affair even more at heart than myself. He told me, with a rueful +and prognosticating countenance, that we were fast drawing near to the autumnal +equinox, when we should reach the commencement of a natural night of six +months’ duration; and although the benevolent substitute of steam might +certainly in some degree lessen the evil, that it was a furious evil, after +all, to exist for a period so weary without enjoying the light of the sun. He +found the external glare of day bad enough, but he did not believe he should be +able to endure its total absence. “Natur’ had made him a ‘watch and watch’ +critter. As for the twilight of which so much was said, it was worse than +nothin’, being neither one thing nor the other. For his part, he liked things +‘made out of whole cloth.’ Then he had sent the ship round to a distant +roadstead, in order that there might be no more post-captains and rear-admirals +among the people; and here had he been as much as four days on nothing but +nuts. Nuts might do for the philosophy of a monkey, but he found, on trial, +that it played the devil with the philosophy of a man. Things were bad enough +as they were. He pined for a little pork—he cared not who knew it; it might not +be very sentimental, he knew, but it was capital sea-food; his natur’ was +pretty much pork; he believed most men had, in some way or other, more or less +pork in their human natur’s; nuts might do for monikin natur’, but human natur’ +loved meat; if monikins did not like it, monikins need not eat it; there would +be so much the more for those who did like it—he pined for his natural aliment, +and as for living nine years in an eclipse, it was quite out of the question. +The longest Stunnin’tun eclipses seldom went over three hours—he once knew +Deacon Spiteful pray quite through one, from apogee to perigee. He therefore +proposed that Sir John and he should resign their seats without delay, and that +they should try to get the Walrus to the north’ard as quick as possible, lest +they should be caught in the polar night. As for the Hon. Robert Smut, he +wished him no better luck than to remain where he was all his life, and to +receive his eight dollars a day in acorns.” +</p> + +<p> +Although it was impossible not to hear, and, having heard, not to record the +sentiments of Noah, still my attention was much more strongly attracted by the +demeanor of the brigadier, than by the jeremiad of the sealer. To an anxious +inquiry if he were not well, our worthy colleague answered plaintively, that he +mourned over the misfortune of his country. +</p> + +<p> +“I have often witnessed the passage of the passions, and of the minor motives, +across the disc of the great moral postulate, Principle; but an occultation of +its light by a pecuniary Interest, and for so long a period, is fearful! Heaven +only knows what will become of us!” +</p> + +<p> +“Are not these eclipses, after all, so many mere illustrations of the +social-stake system? I confess this occultation, of which you seem to have so +much dread, is not so formidable a thing, on reflection, as it at first +appeared to be.” +</p> + +<p> +“You are quite right, Sir John, as to the character of the eclipse itself, +which, as a matter of course, must depend on the character of the intervening +body. But the wisest and best of our philosophers hold that the entire system +of which we are but insignificant parts, is based on certain immutable truths +of a divine origin. The premises, or postulates, of all these truths, are so +many moral guides in the management of monikin affairs; and, the moment they +are lost sight of, as will be the case during these frightful nine years that +are to come, we shall be abandoned entirely to selfishness. Now selfishness is +only too formidable when restrained by Principle; but left to its own grasping +desires and audacious sophisms, to me the moral perspective is terrible. We are +only too much addicted to turn our eyes from Principle, when it is shining in +heavenly radiance, and in full glory, before us; it is not difficult, +therefore, to foresee the nature of the consequences which are to follow its +total and protracted obscuration.” +</p> + +<p> +“You then conceive there is a rule superior to interest, which ought to be +respected in the control of monikin affairs?” +</p> + +<p> +“Beyond a doubt; else in what should we differ from the beasts of prey?” +</p> + +<p> +“I do not exactly see whether this does, or does not accord with the notions of +the political economists of the social-stake system.” +</p> + +<p> +“As you say, Sir John, it does, and it does not. Your social-stake system +supposes that he who has what is termed a distinct and prominent interest in +society, will be the most likely to conduct its affairs wisely, justly, and +disinterestedly. This would be true, if those great principles which lie at the +root of all happiness were respected; but unluckily, the stake in question, +instead of being a stake in justice and virtue, is usually reduced to be merely +a stake in property. Now, all experience shows that the great +property-incentives are to increase property, protect property, and to buy with +property those advantages which ought to be independent of property, viz., +honors, dignities, power, and immunities. I cannot say how it is with men, but +our histories are eloquent on this head. We have had the property-principle +carried out thoroughly in our practice, and the result has shown that its chief +operation is to render property as intact as possible, and the bones, and +sinews, and marrow of all who do not possess it, its slaves. In short, the time +has been, when the rich were even exempt from contributing to the ordinary +exigencies of the state. But it is quite useless to theorize on this subject, +for, by that cry in the streets, the lower limb of the great postulate is +beginning to be obscured, and, alas! we shall soon have too much practical +information.” +</p> + +<p> +The brigadier was right. On referring to the clocks, it was found that, in +truth, the eclipse had commenced some time before, and that we were on the +verge of an absolute occultation of Principle, by the basest and most sordid of +all motives, pecuniary Interest. +</p> + +<p> +The first proof that was given of the true state of things, was in the language +of the people. The word Interest was in every monikin’s mouth, while the word +Principle, as indeed was no more than suitable, seemed to be quite blotted out +of the Leaplow vocabulary. To render a local term into English, half of the +vernacular of the country appeared to be compressed into the single word +“dollar.” +</p> + +<p> +“Dollar—dollar—dollar”—nothing but “dollar! Fifty thousand dollars—twenty +thousand dollars—a hundred thousand dollars”—met one at every turn. The words +rang at the corners—in the public ways—at the exchange—in the drawing-rooms—ay, +even in the churches. If a temple had been reared for the worship of the +Creator, the first question was, how much did it cost? If an artist submitted +the fruits of his labors to the taste of his fellow-citizens, conjectures were +whispered among the spectators, touching its value in the current coin of the +republic. If an author presented the offspring of his genius to the same +arbiters, its merits were settled by a similar standard; and one divine, who +had made a strenuous, but an ill-timed appeal to the charity of his countrymen, +by setting forth the beauties as well as the rewards of the god-like property, +was fairly put down by a demonstration that his proposition involved a +considerable outlay, while it did not clearly show much was to be gained by +going to heaven! +</p> + +<p> +Brigadier Downright had good reasons for his sombre anticipations, for all the +acquirements, knowledge, and experience, obtained in many years of travel, were +now found to be worse than useless. If my honorable colleague and covoyager +ventured a remark on the subject of foreign policy, a portion of politics to +which he had given considerable attention, it was answered by a quotation from +the stock market; an observation on a matter of taste was certain to draw forth +a nice distinction between the tastes of certain liquors, together with a +shrewd investigation of their several prices; and once, when the worthy monikin +undertook to show, from what struck me to be singularly good data, that the +foreign relations of the country were in a condition to require great firmness, +a proper prudence, and much foresight, he was completely silenced by an +antagonist showing, from the last sales, the high value of lots up town! +</p> + +<p> +In short, there was no dealing with any subject that could not resolve itself +into dollars, by means of the customary exchanges. The infatuation spread from +father to son; from husband to wife; from brother to sister; and from one +collateral to another, until it pretty effectually assailed the whole of what +is usually termed “society.” Noah swore bitterly at this antagonist state of +things. He affirmed that he could not even crack a walnut in a corner, but +every monikin that passed appeared to grudge him the satisfaction, small as it +was; and that Stunin’tun, though a scramble-penny place as any he knew, was +paradise to Leaplow, in the present state of things. +</p> + +<p> +It was melancholy to remark how the lustre of the ordinary virtues grew dim, as +the period of occultation continued, and the eye gradually got to be accustomed +to the atmosphere cast by the shadow of pecuniary interest. I involuntarily +shuddered at the open and undisguised manner in which individuals, who might +otherwise pass for respectable monikins, spoke of the means that they +habitually employed in effecting their objects, and laid bare their utter +forgetfulness of the great postulate that was hid. One coolly vaunted how much +cleverer he was than the law; another proved to demonstration that he had +outwitted his neighbor; while a third, more daring or more expert, applied the +same grounds of exultation to the entire neighborhood. This had the merit of +cunning; that of dissimulation; another of deception, and all of success! +</p> + +<p> +The shadow cast its malign influence on every interest connected with monikin +life. Temples were raised to God on speculation; the government was perverted +to a money-investment, in which profit, and not justice and security, was the +object; holy wedlock fast took the aspect of buying and selling, and few prayed +who did not identify spiritual benefits with gold and silver. +</p> + +<p> +The besetting propensity of my ancestor soon began to appear in Leaplow. Many +of those pure and unsophisticated republicans shouted, “Property is in danger!” +as stoutly as it was ever roared by Sir Joseph Job, and dark allusions were +made to “revolutions” and “bayonets.” But certain proof of the prevalence of +the eclipse, and that the shadow of pecuniary interest lay dark on the land, +was to be found in the language of what are called the “few.” They began to +throw dirt at all opposed to them, like so many fish-women: a sure symptom that +the spirit of selfishness was thoroughly awakened. From much experience, I hold +this sign to be infallible, that the sentiment of aristocracy is active and +vigilant. I never yet visited a country in which a minority got into its head +the crotchet it was alone fit to dictate to the rest of its fellow-creatures, +that it did not, without delay, set about proving its position, by reviling and +calling names. In this particular “the few” are like women, who, conscious of +their weakness, seldom fail to make up for the want of vigor in their limbs, by +having recourse to the vigor of the tongue. The “one” hangs; the “many” command +by the dignity of force; the “few” vituperate and scold. This is, I believe, +the case all over the world, except in those peculiar instances in which the +“few” happen also to enjoy the privilege of hanging. +</p> + +<p> +It is worthy of remark that the terms, “rabble,” “disorganizers,” “jacobins,” +and “agrarians,” [Footnote: It is scarcely necessary to tell the intelligent +reader there is no proof that any political community was ever so bent on +self-destruction as to enact agrarian laws, in the vulgar sense in which it has +suited the arts of narrow-minded politicians to represent them ever since the +revival of letters. The celebrated agrarian laws of Rome did not essentially +differ from the distribution of our own military lands, or perhaps the +similitude is greater to the modern Russian military colonies. Those who feel +an interest in this subject would do well to consult Niebuhr. NOTE BY THE +EDITOR.] were bandied from one to the other, in Leaplow, under this malign +influence, with precisely the same justice, discrimination, and taste, as they +had been used by my ancestor in London, a few years before. Like causes +notoriously produce like effects; and there is no one thing so much like an +Englishman under the property-fever, as a Leaplow monikin suffering under the +same malady. +</p> + +<p> +The effect produced on the state of parties by the passage of the shadow of +Pecuniary Interest, was so singular as to deserve our notice. Patriots who had +long been known for an indomitable resolution to support their friends, openly +abandoned their claims on the rewards of the little wheel, and went over to the +enemy; and this, too, without recourse to the mysteries of the “flapjack.” +Judge People’s Friend was completely annihilated for the moment—so much so, +indeed, as to think seriously of taking another mission—for, during these +eclipses, long service, public virtue, calculated amenity, and all the other +bland qualities of your patriot, pass for nothing, when weighed in the scale +against profit and loss. It was fortunate the Leapthrough question was, in its +essence, so well disposed of, though the uneasiness of those who bought and +sold land by the inch, pushed even that interest before the public again by +insisting that a few millions should be expended in destroying the munitions of +war, lest the nation might improvidently be tempted to make use of them in the +natural way. The cruisers were accordingly hauled into the stream and converted +into tide-mills, the gun-barrels were transformed into gas-pipes, and the forts +were converted, as fast as possible, into warehouses and tea-gardens. After +this, it was much the fashion to affirm that the advanced state of civilization +had rendered all future wars quite out of the question. Indeed, the impetus +that was given, by the effects of the shadow, in this way, to humanity in +gross, was quite as remarkable as were its contrary tendencies on humanity in +detail. +</p> + +<p> +Public opinion was not backward in showing how completely it was acting under +the influence of the shadow. Virtue began to be estimated by rent-rolls. The +affluent, without hesitation, or, indeed, opposition, appropriated to +themselves the sole use of the word respectable, while taste, judgment, +honesty, and wisdom, dropped like so many heirlooms quietly into the possession +of those who had money. The Leaplowers are a people of great acuteness, and of +singular knowledge of details. Every considerable man in Bivouac soon had his +social station assigned him, the whole community being divided into classes of +“hundred-thousand-dollar monikins”—“fifty-thousand-dollar +monikins”—“twenty-thousand-dollar monikins.” Great conciseness in language was +a consequence of this state of feeling. The old questions of “is he honest?” +“is he capable?” “is he enlightened?” “is he wise?” “is he good?” being all +comprehended in the single interrogatory of “is he rich?” +</p> + +<p> +There was one effect of this very unusual state of things, that I had not +anticipated. All the money-getting classes, without exception, showed a +singular predilection in favor of what is commonly called a strong government; +being not only a republic, but virtually a democracy, I found that much the +larger portion of this highly respectable class of citizens, were not at all +backward in expressing their wish for a change. +</p> + +<p> +“How is this?” I demanded of the brigadier, whom I rarely quitted; for his +advice and opinions were of great moment to me, just at this particular +crisis—“how is this, my good friend? I have always been led to think trade is +especially favorable to liberty; and here are all your commercial interests the +loudest in their declamations against the institutions.” +</p> + +<p> +The brigadier smiled; it was but a melancholy smile, after all; for his spirits +appeared to have quite deserted him. +</p> + +<p> +“There are three great divisions among politicians,” he said—“they who do not +like liberty at all—they who like it, as low down as their own particular +class—and they who like it for the sake of their fellow-creatures. The first +are not numerous, but powerful by means of combinations; the second is a very +irregular corps, including, as a matter of course, nearly everybody, but is +wanting, of necessity, in concert and discipline, since no one descends below +his own level; the third are but few, alas, how few! and are composed of those +who look beyond their own selfishness. Now, your merchants, dwelling in towns, +and possessing concert, means, and identity of interests, have been able to +make themselves remarkable for contending with despotic power, a fact which has +obtained for them a cheap reputation for liberality of opinion; but, so far as +monikin experience goes—men may have proved to be better disposed—no government +that is essentially influenced by commerce has ever been otherwise than +exclusive, or aristocratic.” +</p> + +<p> +I bethought me of Venice, Genoa, Pisa, the Hanse Towns, and all the other +remarkable places of this character in Europe, and I felt the justice of my +friend’s distinction, at the same time I could not but observe how much more +the minds of men are under the influence of names and abstractions than under +the influence of positive things. To this opinion the brigadier very readily +assented, remarking, at the same time, that a well-wrought theory had generally +more effect on opinion than fifty facts; a result that he attributed to the +circumstance of monikins having a besetting predisposition to save themselves +the trouble of thinking. +</p> + +<p> +I was, in particular, struck with the effect of the occultation of Principle on +motives. I had often remarked that it was by no means safe to depend on one’s +own motives, for two sufficient reasons; first, that we did not always know +what our own motives were; and secondly, admitting that we did, it was quite +unreasonable to suppose that our friends would believe them what we thought +them to be ourselves. In the present instance, every monikin seemed perfectly +aware of the difficulty; and, instead of waiting for his acquaintances to +attribute some moral enormity as his governing reason, he prudently adopted a +moderately selfish inducement for his acts, which he proclaimed with a +simplicity and frankness that generally obtained credit. Indeed, the fact once +conceded that the motive was not offensively disinterested and just, no one was +indisposed to listen to the projects of his friend, who usually rose in +estimation, as he was found to be ingenious, calculating, and shrewd. The +effect of all this was to render society singularly sincere and plain-spoken; +and one unaccustomed to so much ingenuousness, or who was ignorant of the +cause, might, plausibly enough, suppose, at times, that accident had thrown him +into an extraordinary association with so many ARTISTES, who, as it is commonly +expressed, lived by their wits. I will avow that, had it been the fashion to +wear pockets at Leaplow, I should often have been concerned for their contents; +for sentiments so purely unsophisticated, were so openly advanced under the +influence of the shadow, that one was inevitably led, oftener than was +pleasant, to think of the relations between meum and tuum, as well as of the +unexpected causes by which they were sometimes disturbed. +</p> + +<p> +A vacancy occurred, the second day of the eclipse, among the representatives of +Bivouac, and the candidate of the Horizontals would certainly have been chosen +to fill it, but for a contretemps connected with this affair of motives. The +individual in question had lately performed that which, in most other +countries, and under other circumstances, would have passed for an act of +creditable national feeling; but which, quite as a matter of course, was +eagerly presented to the electors, by his opponents, as a proof of his utter +unfitness to be intrusted with their interests. The friends of the candidate +took the alarm, and indignantly denied the charges of the Perpendiculars, +affirming that their monikin had been well paid for what he had done. In an +evil hour, the candidate undertook to explain, by means of a handbill, in which +he stated that he had been influenced by no other motive than a desire to do +that which he believed to be right. Such a person was deemed to be wanting in +natural abilities, and, as a matter of course, he was defeated; for your +Leaplow elector was not such an ass as to confide the care of his interests to +one who knew so little how to take care of his own. +</p> + +<p> +About this time, too, a celebrated dramatist produced a piece in which the hero +performed prodigies under the excitement of patriotism, and the labor of his +pen was incontinently damned for his pains; both pit and boxes—the galleries +dissenting—deciding that it was out of all nature to represent a monikin +incurring danger in this unheard-of manner, without a motive. The unhappy wight +altered the last scene, by causing his hero to be rewarded by a good, round sum +of money, when the piece had a very respectable run for the rest of the season, +though I question if it ever were as popular as it would have been, had this +precaution been taken before it was first acted. +</p> + +</div><!--end chapter--> + +<div class="chapter"> + +<h2><a name="link2HCH0028"></a> +CHAPTER XXVIII.<br/> +THE IMPORTANCE OF MOTIVES TO A LEGISLATOR—MORAL CONSECUTIVENESS, COMETS, KITES, +AND A CONVOY; WITH SOME EVERY-DAY LEGISLATION; TOGETHER WITH CAUSE AND EFFECT.</h2> + +<p> +Legislation, during the occultation of the great moral postulate Principle by +the passage of Pecuniary Interest, is, at the best, but a melancholy affair. It +proved to be peculiarly so with us just at that moment, for the radiance of the +divine property had been a good deal obscured in the houses, for a long time +previously, by the interference of various minor satellites. In nothing, +therefore, did the deplorable state of things which existed make itself more +apparent, than in our proceedings. +</p> + +<p> +As Captain Poke and myself, notwithstanding our having taken different stands +in politics, still continued to live together, I had better opportunities to +note the workings of the obscuration on the ingenuous mind of my colleague than +on that of most other persons. He early began to keep a diary of his expenses, +regularly deducting the amount at night from the sum of eight dollars, and +regarding the balance as so much clear gain. His conversation, too, soon +betrayed a leaning to his personal interests, instead of being of that pure and +elevated cast which should characterize the language of a statesman. He laid +down the position, pretty dogmatically, that legislation, after all, was work; +that “the laborer was worthy of his hire”; and that, for his part, he felt no +great disposition to go through the vexation and trouble of helping to make +laws, unless he could see, with a reasonable certainty, that something was to +be got by it. He thought Leaplow had quite laws enough as it was—more than she +respected or enforced—and if she wanted any more, all she had to do was to pay +for them. He should take an early occasion to propose that all our wages—or, at +any rate, his own; others might do as they pleased—should be raised, at the +very least, two dollars a day, and this while he merely sat in the house; for +he wished to engage me to move, by way of amendment, that as much more should +be given to the committees. He did not think it was fair to exact of a member +to be a committee-man for nothin’, although most of them were committee-men for +nothin’; and if we were called on to keep two watches, in this manner, the +least that could be done would be to give us TWO PAYS. He said, considering it +in the most favorable point of view, that there was great wear and tear of +brain in legislation, and he should never be the man he was before he engaged +in the trade; he assured me that his idees, sometimes, were so complicated that +he did not know where to find the one he wanted, and that he had wished for a +cauda, a thousand times, since he had been in the house, for, by keeping the +end of it in his hand, like the bight of a rope, he might always have suthin’ +tangible to cling to. He told me, as a great secret, that he was fairly tired +of rummaging among his thoughts for the knowledge necessary to understand what +was going on, and that he had finally concluded to put himself, for the rest of +the session, under the convoy of a God-like. He had been looking out for a fit +fugleman of this sort, and he had pretty much determined to follow the signal +of the great God-like of the Parpendic’lars, like the rest of them, for it +would occasion less confusion in the ranks, and enable him to save himself a +vast deal of trouble in making up his mind. He didn’t know, on the whole, but +eight dollars a day might give a living profit, provided he could throw all the +thinking on his God-like, and turn his attention to suthin’ else; he thought of +writing his v’y’ges, for he understood that anything from foreign parts took +like wild-fire in Leaplow; and if they didn’t take, he could always project +charts for a living. +</p> + +<p> +Perhaps it will be necessary to explain what Noah meant by saying that he +thought of engaging a God-like. The reader has had some insight into the nature +of one set of political leaders in Leaplow, who are known by the name of the +Most Patriotic Patriots. These persons, it is scarcely necessary to say, are +always with the majority, or in a situation to avail themselves of the +evolutions of the little wheel. Their great rotatory principle keeps them +pretty constantly in motion, it is true; but while there is a centrifugal force +to maintain this action, great care has been had to provide a centripetal +counterpoise, in order to prevent them from bolting out of the political orbit. +It is supposed to be owing to this peculiarity in their party organizations, +that your Leaplow patriot is so very remarkable for going round and round a +subject, without ever touching it. +</p> + +<p> +As an offset to this party arrangement, the Perpendiculars have taken refuge in +the God-likes. A God-like, in Leaplow politics, in some respects resembles a +saint in the Catholic calendar; that is to say, he is canonized, after passing +through a certain amount of temptation and vice with a whole skin; after having +his cause pleaded for a certain number of years before the high authorities of +his party; and, usually, after having had a pretty good taste of purgatory. +Canonization attained, however, all gets to be plain sailing with him. He is +spared, singular as it may appear, even a large portion of his former “wear and +tear” of brains, as Noah had termed it, for nothing puts one so much at liberty +in this respect, as to have full powers to do all the thinking. Thinking in +company, like travelling in company, requires that we should have some respect +to the movements, wishes, and opinions of others; but he who gets a carte +blanche for his sentiments, resembles the uncaged bird, and may fly in whatever +direction most pleases himself, and feel confident, as he goes, that his ears +will be saluted with the usual traveller’s signal of “all’s right.” I can best +compare the operation of your God-like and his votaries, to the action of a +locomotive with its railroad train. As that goes, this follows; faster or +slower, the movement is certain to be accompanied; when the steam is up they +fly, when the fire is out they crawl, and that, too, with a very uneasy sort of +motion; and when a bolt is broken, they who have just been riding without the +smallest trouble to themselves, are compelled to get out and push the load +ahead as well as they can, frequently with very rueful faces, and in very dirty +ways. The cars whisk about, precisely as the locomotive whisks about, all the +turn-outs are necessarily imitated, and, in short, one goes after the other +very much as it is reasonable to suppose will happen when two bodies are +chained together, and the entire moving power is given to only one of them. A +God-like in Leaplow, moreover, is usually a Riddle. It was the object of Noah +to hitch on to one of these moral steam-tugs, in order that he too might be +dragged through his duties without effort to himself; an expedient, as the old +sealer expressed it, that would in some degree remedy his natural want of a +cauda, by rendering him nothing but tail. +</p> + +<p> +“I expect, Sir John,” he said, for he had a practice of expecting by way of +conjecture, “I expect this is the reason why the Leaplowers dock themselves. +They find it more convenient to give up the management of their affairs to some +one of these God-likes, and fall into his wake like the tail of a comet, which +makes it quite unnecessary to have any other cauda.” +</p> + +<p> +“I understand you; they amputate to prevent tautology.” +</p> + +<p> +Noah rarely spoke of any project until his mind was fairly made up; and the +execution usually soon followed the proposition. The next thing I heard of him, +therefore, he was fairly under the convoy, as he called it, of one of the most +prominent of the Riddles. Curious to know how he liked the experiment, after a +week’s practice, I called his attention to the subject, by a pretty direct +inquiry. +</p> + +<p> +He told me it was altogether the pleasantest mode of legislating that had ever +been devised. He was now perfectly master of his own time, and in fact, he was +making out a set of charts for the Leaplow marine, a task that was likely to +bring him in a good round sum, as pumpkins were cheap, and in the polar seas he +merely copied the monikin authorities, and out of it he had things pretty much +his own way. As for the Great Allegory, when he wanted a hint about it, or, +indeed, about any other point at issue, all he had to do was to inquire what +his God-like thought about it, and to vote accordingly. Then he saved himself a +great deal of breath in the way of argument out of doors, for he and the rest +of the clientele of this Riddle, having officially invested their patron with +all their own parts, the result had been such an accumulation of knowledge in +this one individual, as enabled them ordinarily to floor any antagonist by the +simple quotation of his authority. Such or such is the opinion of God-like this +or of God-like that, was commonly sufficient; and then there was no lack of +material, for he had taken care to provide himself with a Riddle who, he really +believed, had given an opinion, at some time or other, on every side of every +subject that had ever been mooted in Leaplow. He could nullify, or mollify, or +qualify, with the best of them; and these, which he termed the three fies, he +believed were the great requisites of a Leaplow legislator. He admitted, +however, that some show of independence was necessary, in order to give value +to the opinion of even a God-like, for monikin nature revolted at anything like +total mental dependence; and that he had pretty much made up his mind to think +for himself on a question that was to be decided that very day. +</p> + +<p> +The case to which the captain alluded was this. The city of Bivouac was divided +in three pretty nearly equal parts which were separated from each other by two +branches of a marsh; one part of the town being on a sort of island, and the +other two parts on the respective margins of the low land. It was very +desirable to connect these different portions of the capital by causeways, and +a law to that effect had been introduced in the house. Everybody, in or out of +the house, was in favor of the project, for the causeways had become, in some +measure, indispensable. The only disputed point was the length of the works in +question. One who is but little acquainted with legislation, and who has never +witnessed the effects of an occultation of the great moral postulate Principle, +by the orb Pecuniary Interest, would very plausibly suppose that the whole +affair lay in a nutshell, and that all we had to do was to pass a law ordering +the causeways to extend just as far as the public convenience rendered it +necessary. But these are mere tyros in the affairs of monikins. The fact was +that there were just as many different opinions and interests at work to +regulate the length of the causeways, as there were, owners of land along their +line of route. The great object was to start in what was called the business +quarter of the town, and then to proceed with the work as far as circumstances +would allow. We had propositions before us in favor of from one hundred feet as +far as up to ten thousand. Every inch was fought for with as much obstinacy as +if it were an important breach that was defended; and combinations and +conspiracies were as rife as if we were in the midst of a revolution. It was +the general idea that by filling in with dirt, a new town might be built +wherever the causeway terminated, and fortunes made by an act of parliament. +The inhabitants of the island rallied en masse against the causeway leading one +inch from their quarter, after it had fairly reached it; and, so throughout the +entire line, monikins battled for what they called their interests, with an +obstinacy worthy of heroes. +</p> + +<p> +On this great question, for it had, in truth, become of the last importance by +dragging into its consideration most of the leading measures of the day, as +well as six or seven of the principal ordinances of the Great National +Allegory, the respective partisans logically contending that, for the time +being, nothing should advance a foot in Leaplow that did not travel along that +causeway, Noah determined to take an independent stand. This resolution was not +lightly formed, for he remained rather undecided, until, by waiting a +sufficient time, he felt quite persuaded that nothing was to be got by +following any other course. His God-like luckily was in the same predicament, +and everything promised a speedy occasion to show the world what it was to act +on principle; and this, too, in the middle of a moral eclipse. +</p> + +<p> +When the question came to be discussed, the landholders along the first line of +the causeway were soon reasoned down by the superior interests of those who +lived on the island. The rub was, the point of permitting the work to go any +further. The islanders manifested great liberality, according to their account +of themselves; for they even consented that the causeway should be constructed +on the other marsh to precisely such a distance as would enable any one to go +as near as possible to the hostile quarter, without absolutely entering it. To +admit the latter, they proved to demonstration, would be changing the character +of their own island from that of an entrepot to that of a mere thoroughfare. No +reasonable monikin could expect it of them. +</p> + +<p> +As the Horizontals, by some calculation that I never understood, had satisfied +themselves it might better answer their purposes to construct the entire work, +than to stop anywhere between the two extremes, my duty was luckily, on this +occasion, in exact accordance with my opinions; and, as a matter of course, I +voted, this time, in a way of which I could approve. Noah, finding himself a +free agent, now made his push for character, and took sides with us. Very +fortunately we prevailed, all the beaten interests joining themselves, at the +last moment, to the weakest side, or, in other words, to that which was right; +and Leaplow presented the singular spectacle of having a just enactment passed +during the occultation of the great moral postulate, so often named. I ought to +mention that I have termed principle a postulate, throughout this narrative, +simply because it is usually in the dilemma of a disputed proposition. +</p> + +<p> +No sooner was the result known, than my worthy colleague came round to the +Horizontal side of the house, to express his satisfaction with himself for the +course he had just taken. He said it was certainly very convenient and very +labor-saving to obey a God-like, and that he got on much better with his charts +now he was at liberty to give his whole mind to the subject; but there was +suthin’—he didn’t know what—but “a sort of Stunin’tun feeling” in doing what +one thought right, after all, that caused him to be glad that he had voted for +the whole causeway. He did not own any land in Leaplow, and therefore he +concluded that what he had done, he had done for the best; at any rate, if he +had got nothin’ by it, he had lost nothin’ by it, and he hoped all would come +right in the end. The people of the island, it is true, had talked pretty fair +about what they would do for those who should sustain their interests, but he +had got sick of a currency in promises; and fair words, at his time of life, +didn’t go for much; and so, on the whole, he had pretty much concluded to do as +he had done. He thought no one could call in question his vote, for he was just +as poor and as badly off now he had voted, as he was while he was making up his +mind. For his part, he shouldn’t be ashamed, hereafter, to look both Deacon +Snort and the Parson in the face, when he got home, or even Miss Poke. He knew +what it was to have a clean conscience, as well as any man; for none so well +knew what it was to be without anything, as they who had felt by experience its +want. His God-like was a very labor-saving God-like, but he had found, on +inquiry, that he came from another part of the island, and that he didn’t care +a straw which way his kite-tail (Noah’s manner of pronouncing clientele) voted. +In short, he defied any one to say ought ag’in’ him this time, and he was not +sorry the occasion had offered to show his independence, for his enemies had +not been backward in remarking that, for some days, he had been little better +than a speaking-trumpet to roar out anything his God-like might wish to have +proclaimed. He concluded by stating that he could not hold out much longer +without meat of some sort or other, and by begging that I would second a +resolution he thought of offering, by which regular substantial rations were to +be dealt out to all the human part of the house. The inhumans might live upon +nuts still, if they liked them. +</p> + +<p> +I remonstrated against the project of the rations, made a strong appeal to his +pride, by demonstrating that we should be deemed little better than brutes if +we were seen eating flesh, and advised him to cause some of his nuts to be +roasted, by way of variety. After a good deal of persuasion, he promised +further abstinence, although he went away with a singularly carnivorous look +about the mouth, and an eye that spoke pork in every glance. +</p> + +<p> +I was at home the next day, busy with my friend the brigadier, in looking over +the Great National Allegory, with a view to prevent falling, unwittingly, into +any more offences of quoting its opinions, when Noah burst into the room, as +rabid as a wolf that had been bitten by a whole pack of hounds. Such, indeed, +was, in some measure, his situation; for, according to his statement, he had +been baited that morning, in the public streets even, by every monikin, +monikina, monikino, brat, and beggar, that he had seen. Astonished to hear that +my colleague had fallen into this disfavor with his constitutents, I was not +slow in asking an explanation. +</p> + +<p> +The captain affirmed that the matter was beyond the reach of any explanation it +was in his power to give. He had voted in the affair of the causeway, in strict +conformity with the dictates of his conscience, and yet here was the whole +population accusing him of bribery—nay, even the journals had openly flouted at +him for what they called his barefaced and flagrant corruption. Here the +captain laid before us six or seven of the leading journals of Bivouac, in all +of which his late vote was treated with quite as little ceremony as if it had +been an unequivocal act of sheep-stealing. +</p> + +<p> +I looked at my friend the brigadier for an explanation. After running his eye +over the articles in the journals, the latter smiled, and cast a look of +commiseration at our colleague. +</p> + +<p> +“You have certainly committed a grave fault here, my friend,” he said, “and one +that is seldom forgiven in Leaplow—perhaps I might say never, during the +occultation of the great moral postulate, as happens to be the case at +present.” +</p> + +<p> +“Tell me my sins at once, brigadier,” cried Noah, with the look of a martyr, +“and put me out of pain.” +</p> + +<p> +“You have forgotten to display a motive for your stand during the late hot +discussion; and, as a matter of course, the community ascribes the worst that +monikin ingenuity can devise. Such an oversight would ruin even a God-like!” +</p> + +<p> +“But, my dear Mr. Downright,” I kindly interposed, “our colleague, in this +instance, is supposed to have acted on principle.” +</p> + +<p> +The brigadier looked up, turning his nose into the air, like a pup that has not +yet opened its eyes, and then intimated that he could not see the quality I had +named, it being obscured by the passage of the orb of Pecuniary Interest before +its disc. I now began to comprehend the case, which really was much more grave +than, at first, I could have believed possible. Noah himself seemed staggered; +for, I believe, he had fallen on the simple and natural expedient of inquiring +what he himself would have thought of the conduct of a colleague who had given +a vote on a subject so weighty, without exposing a motive. +</p> + +<p> +“Had the captain owned but a foot square of earth, at the end of the causeway,” +observed the brigadier, mournfully, “the matter might be cleared up; but as +things are, it is beyond dispute, a most unfortunate occurrence.” +</p> + +<p> +“But Sir John voted with me, and he is no more a free-holder in Leaplow, than I +am myself.” +</p> + +<p> +“True; but Sir John voted with the bulk of his political friends.” +</p> + +<p> +“All the Horizontals were not in the majority; for at least twenty went, on +this occasion, with the minority.” +</p> + +<p> +“Undeniable—yet every monikin of them had a visible motive. This owned a lot by +the wayside; that had houses on the island, and another was the heir of a great +proprietor at the same point of the road. Each and all had their distinct and +positive interests at stake, and not one of them was guilty of so great a +weakness as to leave his cause to be defended by the extravagant pretension of +mere principle!” +</p> + +<p> +“My God-like, the greatest of all the Riddles, absented himself, and did not +vote at all.” +</p> + +<p> +“Simply because he had no good ground to justify any course he might take. No +public monikin can expect to escape censure, if he fail to put his friends, in +the way of citing some plausible and intelligible motive for his conduct.” +</p> + +<p> +“How, sir! cannot a man, once in his life, do an act without being bought like +a horse or a dog, and escape with an inch of character?” +</p> + +<p> +“I shall not take upon myself to say what MEN can do,” returned the brigadier; +“no doubt they manage this affair better than it is managed here; but, so far +as monikins are concerned, there is no course more certain to involve a total +loss of character—I may say so destructive to reputation even for intellect—as +to act without a good, apparent, and substantial MOTIVE.” +</p> + +<p> +“In the name of God, what is to be done, brigadier?” +</p> + +<p> +“I see no other course than to resign. Your constituents must very naturally +have lost all confidence in you; for one who so very obviously neglects his own +interests, it cannot be supposed will be very tenacious about protecting the +interests of others. If you would escape with the little character that is +left, you will forthwith resign. I do not perceive the smallest chance for you +by going through gyration No. 4, both public opinions uniformly condemning the +monikin who acts without a pretty obvious, as well as a pretty weighty motive.” +</p> + +<p> +Noah made a merit of necessity; and, after some further deliberation between +us, he signed his name to the following letter to the speaker, which was drawn +up on the spot, by the brigadier. +</p> + +<p> +“Mr. Speaker:—The state of my health obliges me to return the high political +trust which has been confided to me by the citizens of Bivouac, into the hands +from which it was received. In tendering my resignation, I wish to express the +great regret with which I part from colleagues so every way worthy of profound +respect and esteem, and I beg you to assure them, that wherever fate may +hereafter lead me, I shall ever retain the deepest regard for every honorable +member with whom it has been my good fortune to serve. The emigrant interest, +in particular, will ever be the nearest and dearest to my heart.” Signed, +</p> + +<p> +“NOAH POKE.” +</p> + +<p> +The captain did not affix his name to this letter without many heavy sighs, and +divers throes of ambition; for even a mistaken politician yields to necessity +with regret. Having changed the word emigrant to that of “immigrunt,” however, +he put as good a face as possible on the matter, and wrote the fatal signature. +He then left the house, declaring he didn’t so much begrudge his successor the +pay, as nothing but nuts were to be had with the money; and that, as for +himself, he felt as sneaking as he believed was the case with Nebuchadnezzar, +when he was compelled to get down on all-fours, and eat grass. +</p> + +</div><!--end chapter--> + +<div class="chapter"> + +<h2><a name="link2HCH0029"></a> +CHAPTER XXIX.<br/> +SOME EXPLANATIONS—A HUMAN APPETITE—A DINNER AND A BONNE BOUCHE.</h2> + +<p> +The brigadier and myself remained behind to discuss the general bearings of +this unexpected event. +</p> + +<p> +“Your rigid demand for motives, my good sir,” I remarked, “reduces the Leaplow +political morality very much, after all, to the level of the social-stake +system of our part of the world.” +</p> + +<p> +“They both depend on the crutch of personal Interests, it is true; though there +is, between them, the difference of the interests of a part and of the +interests of the whole.” +</p> + +<p> +“And could a part act less commendably than the whole appear to have acted in +this instance?” +</p> + +<p> +“You forget that Leaplow, just at this moment, is under a moral eclipse. I +shall not say that these eclipses do not occur often, but they occur quite as +frequently in other parts of the region, as they occur here. We have three +great modes of controlling monikin affairs, viz., the one, the few, and the +many—” +</p> + +<p> +“Precisely the same classification exists among men!” I interrupted. +</p> + +<p> +“Some of our improvements are reflected backward; twilight following as well as +preceding the passage of the sun,” quite coolly returned the brigadier. “We +think that the many come nearest to balancing the evil, although we are far +from believing even them to be immaculate. Admitting that the tendencies to +wrong are equal in the three systems (which we do not, however, for we think +our own has the least), it is contended that the many escape one great source +of oppression and injustice, by escaping the onerous provisions which physical +weakness is compelled to make, in order to protect itself against physical +strength.” +</p> + +<p> +“This is reversing a very prevalent opinion among men, sir, who usually +maintain that the tyranny of the many is the worst sort of all tyrannies.” +</p> + +<p> +“This opinion has got abroad simply because the lion has not been permitted to +draw his own picture. As cruelty is commonly the concomitant of cowardice, so +is oppression nine times out of ten the result of weakness. It is natural for +the few to dread the many, while it is not natural for the many to dread the +few. Then, under institutions in which the many rule, certain great principles +that are founded on natural justice, as a matter of course, are openly +recognized; and it is rare, indeed, that they do not, more or less, influence +the public acts. On the other hand, the control of a few requires that these +same truths should be either mystified or entirely smothered: and the +consequence is injustice.” +</p> + +<p> +“But, admitting all your maxims, brigadier, as regards the few and the many, +you must yourself allow that here, in your beloved Leaplow itself, monikins +consult their own interests; and this, after all, is acting on the fundamental +principle of the great European social-stake system.” +</p> + +<p> +“Meaning that the goods of the world ought to be the test of political power. +By the sad confusion which exists among us, at this moment, Sir John, you must +perceive that we are not exactly under the most salutary of all possible +influences. I take it that the great desideratum of society is to be governed +by certain great moral truths. The inferences and corollaries of these truths +are principles, which come of heaven. Now, agreeably to the monikin dogmas, the +love of money is ‘of the earth, earthy’; and, at the first blush, it would not +seem to be quite safe to receive such an inducement as the governing motive of +one monikin, and, by a pretty fair induction, it would seem to be equally +unwise to admit it for a good many. You will remember, also, that when none but +the rich have authority, they control not only their own property, but that of +others who have less. Your principle supposes, that in taking care of his own, +the elector of wealth must take care of what belongs to the rest of the +community; but our experience shows that a monikin can be particularly careful +of himself, and singularly negligent of his neighbor. Therefore do we hold that +money is a bad foundation for power.” +</p> + +<p> +“You unsettle everything, brigadier, without finding a substitute.” +</p> + +<p> +“Simply because it is easy to unsettle everything and very difficult to find +substitutes. But, as respects the base of society, I merely doubt the wisdom of +setting up a qualification that we all know depends on an unsound principle. I +much fear, Sir John, that, so long as monikins are monikins, we shall never be +quite perfect; and as to your social-stake system, I am of opinion that as +society is composed of all, it may be well to hear what all have to say about +its management.” +</p> + +<p> +“Many men, and, I dare say, many monikins, are not to be trusted even with the +management of their own concerns.” +</p> + +<p> +“Very true; but it does not follow that other men, or other monikins, will lose +sight of their own interests on this account, if vested with the right to act +as their substitutes. You have been long enough a legislator, now, to have got +some idea how difficult it is to make even a direct and responsible +representative respect entirely the interests and wishes of his constituents; +and the fact will show you how little he will be likely to think of others, who +believes that he acts as their master and not as their servant.” +</p> + +<p> +“The amount of all this, brigadier, is that you have little faith in monikin +disinterestedness, in any shape; that you believe he who is intrusted with +power will abuse it; and therefore, you choose to divide the trust, in order to +divide the abuses; that the love of money is an ‘earthy’ quality, and not to be +confided in as the controlling power of a state; and, finally, that the +social-stake system is radically wrong, inasmuch as it is no more than carrying +out a principle that is in itself defective.” +</p> + +<p> +My companion gaped, like one content to leave the matter there. I wished him a +good morning, and walked upstairs in quest of Noah, whose carnivorous looks had +given me considerable uneasiness. The captain was out; and, after searching for +him in the streets for an hour or two, I returned to our abode fatigued and +hungry. +</p> + +<p> +At no great distance from our own door, I met Judge People’s Friend, shorn and +dejected, and I stopped to say a kind word, before going up the ladder. It was +quite impossible to see a gentleman, whom one had met in good society and in +better fortunes, with every hair shaved from his body, his apology for a tail +still sore from its recent amputation, and his entire mien expressive of +republican humility, without a desire to condole with him. I expressed my +regrets, therefore, as succinctly as possible, encouraging him with the hope of +seeing a new covering of down before long, but delicately abstaining from any +allusion to the cauda, whose loss I knew was irretrievable. To my great +surprise, however, the judge answered cheerfully; discarding, for the moment, +every appearance of self-abasement and mortification. +</p> + +<p> +“How is this?” I cried; “you are not then miserable?” +</p> + +<p> +“Very far from it, Sir John—I never was in better spirits, or had better +prospects, in my life.” +</p> + +<p> +I remembered the extraordinary manner in which the brigadier had saved Noah’s +head, and was fully resolved not to be astonished at any manifestation of +monikin ingenuity. Still I could not forbear demanding an explanation. +</p> + +<p> +“Why, it may seem odd to you, Sir John, to find a politician, who is apparently +in the depths of despair, really on the eve of a glorious preferment. Such, +however, is in fact my case. In Leaplow, humility is everything. The monikin +who will take care and repeat sufficiently often that he is just the poorest +devil going, that he is absolutely unfit for even the meanest employment in the +land, and in other respects ought to be hooted out of society, may very safely +consider himself in a fair way to be elevated to some of the dignities he +declares himself the least fitted to fill.” +</p> + +<p> +“In such a case, all he will have to do then, will be to make his choice, and +denounce himself loudest touching his especial disqualifications for that very +station?” +</p> + +<p> +“You are apt, Sir John, and would succeed, if you would only consent to remain +among us!” said the judge, winking. +</p> + +<p> +“I begin to see into your management—after all, you are neither miserable nor +ashamed?” +</p> + +<p> +“Not the least in the world. It is of more importance for monikins of my +calibre to seem to be anything than to be it. My fellow-citizens are usually +satisfied with this sacrifice; and, now principle is eclipsed, nothing is +easier.” +</p> + +<p> +“But how happens it, judge, that one of your surprising dexterity and agility +should be caught tripping? I had thought you particularly expert, and +infallible in all the gyrations. Perhaps the little affair of the cauda has +leaked out?” +</p> + +<p> +The judge laughed in my face. +</p> + +<p> +“I see you know little of us, after all, Sir John. Here have we proscribed +caudae, as anti-republican, both public opinions setting their faces against +them; and yet a monikin may wear one abroad a mile long with impunity if he +will just submit to a new dock when he comes home, and swear that he is the +most miserable wretch going. If he can throw in a favorable word, too, touching +the Leaplow cats and dogs—Lord bless you, sir! they would pardon treason!” +</p> + +<p> +“I begin to comprehend your policy, judge, if not your polity. Leaplow being a +popular government, it becomes necessary that its public agents should be +popular too. Now, as monikins naturally delight in their own excellences, +nothing so disposes them to give credit to another, as his professions that he +is worse than themselves.” +</p> + +<p> +The judge nodded and grinned. +</p> + +<p> +“But another word, dear sir—as you feel yourself constrained to commend the +cats and dogs of Leaplow, do you belong to that school of philocats, who take +their revenge for their amenity to the quadrupeds, by berating their +fellow-creatures?” +</p> + +<p> +The judge started, and glanced about him as if he dreaded a thief-taker. Then +earnestly imploring me to respect his situation, he added in a whisper, that +the subject of the people was sacred with him, that he rarely spoke of them +without a reverence, and that his favorable sentiments in relation to the cats +and dogs were not dependent on any particular merits of the animals themselves, +but merely because they were the people’s cats and dogs. Fearful that I might +say something still more disagreeable, the judge hastened to take his leave, +and I never saw him afterward. I make no doubt, however, that in good time his +hair grew as he grew again into favor, and that he found the means to exhibit +the proper length of tail on all suitable occasions. +</p> + +<p> +A crowd in the street now caught my attention. On approaching it, a colleague +who was there was kind enough to explain its cause. +</p> + +<p> +It would seem that certain Leaphighers had been travelling in Leaplow; and, not +satisfied with this liberty, they had actually written books concerning things +that they had seen, and things that they had not seen. As respects the latter, +neither of the public opinions was very sensitive, although many of them +reflected on the Great National Allegory and the sacred rights of monikins; but +as respects the former, there was a very lively excitement. These writers had +the audacity to say that the Leaplowers had cut off all their caudae, and the +whole community was convulsed at an outrage so unprecedented. It was one thing +to take such a step, and another to have it proclaimed to the world in books. +If the Leaplowers had no tails, it was clearly their own fault. Nature had +formed them with tails. They had bobbed themselves on a republican principle; +and no one’s principles ought to be thrown into his face, in this rude manner, +more especially during a moral eclipse. +</p> + +<p> +The dispensers of the essence of lopped tails threatened vengeance; +caricaturists were put in requisition; some grinned, some menaced, some swore, +and all read! +</p> + +<p> +I left the crowd, taking the direction of my door again, pondering on this +singular state of society, in which a peculiarity that had been deliberately +and publicly adopted, should give rise to a sensitiveness of a character so +unusual. I very well knew that men are commonly more ashamed of natural +imperfections than those which, in a great measure, depend on themselves; but +then men are, in their own estimation at least, placed by nature at the head of +creation, and in that capacity it is reasonable to suppose they will be jealous +of their natural privileges. The present case was rather Leaplow than generic; +and I could only account for it, by supposing that nature had placed certain +nerves in the wrong part of the Leaplow anatomy. +</p> + +<p> +On entering the house, a strong smell of roasted meat saluted my nostrils, +causing a very unphilosophical pleasure to the olfactory nerves, a pleasure +which acted very directly, too, on the gastric juices of the stomach. In plain +English, I had very sensible evidence that it was not enough to transport a man +to the monikin region, send him to parliament, and keep him on nuts for a week, +to render him exclusively ethereal, I found it was vain “to kick against the +pricks.” The odor of roasted meat was stronger than all the facts just named, +and I was fain to abandon philosophy, and surrender to the belly. I descended +incontinently to the kitchen, guided by a sense no more spiritual than that +which directs the hound in the chase. +</p> + +<p> +On opening the door of our refectory, such a delicious perfume greeted the +nose, that I melted like a romantic girl at the murmur of a waterfall, and, +losing sight of all the sublime truths so lately acquired, I was guilty of the +particular human weakness which is usually described as having the “mouth +water.” +</p> + +<p> +The sealer had quite taken leave of his monikin forbearance, and was enjoying +himself in a peculiarly human manner. A dish of roasted meat was lying before +him, and his eyes fairly glared as he turned them from me to the viand, in a +way to render it a little doubtful whether I was a welcome visitor. But that +honest old principle of seamen which never refuses to share equally with an +ancient mess-mate, got the better even of his voracity. +</p> + +<p> +“Sit down, Sir John,” the captain cried, without ceasing to masticate, “and +make no bones of it. To own the fact, the latter are almost as good as the +flesh. I never tasted a sweeter morsel!” +</p> + +<p> +I did not wait for a second invitation, the reader may be sure; and in less +than ten minutes the dish was as clear as a table that had been swept by +harpies. As this work is intended for one in which truth is rigidly respected, +I shall avow that I do not remember any cultivation of sentiment which gave me +half so much satisfaction as that short and hurried repast. I look back to it, +even now, as to the very beau ideal of a dinner! Its fault was in the quantity, +and not in quality. +</p> + +<p> +I gazed greedily about for more. Just then, I caught a glimpse of a face that +seemed looking at me with melancholy reproach. The truth flashed upon me in a +flood of horrible remorse. Rushing upon Noah like a tiger, I seized him by the +throat, and cried, in a voice of despair: +</p> + +<p> +“Cannibal! what hast thou done?” +</p> + +<p> +“Loosen your grip, Sir John—we do not relish these hugs at Stunin’tun.” +</p> + +<p> +“Wretch! thou hast made me the participator of thy crime! We have eaten +Brigadier Downright.” +</p> + +<p> +“Loosen, Sir John, or human natur’ will rebel.” +</p> + +<p> +“Monster! give up thy unholy repast—dost not see a million reproaches in the +eyes of the innocent victim of thy insatiable appetites?” +</p> + +<p> +“Cast off, Sir John, cast off, while we are friends, I care not if I have +swallowed all the brigadiers in Leaplow—off hands!” +</p> + +<p> +“Never, monster! until thou disgorgest thy unholy meal!” +</p> + +<p> +Noah could endure no more; but, seizing me by the throat, on the retaliating +principle, I soon had some such sensations as one would be apt to feel if his +gullet were in a vice. I shall not attempt to describe very minutely the +miracle that followed. Hanging ought to be an effectual remedy for many +delusions; for, in my case, the bowstring I was under certainly did wonders in +a very short time. Gradually the whole scene changed. First came a mist, then a +vertigo; and finally, as the captain relaxed his hold, objects appeared in new +forms, and instead of being in our lodgings in Bivouac, I found myself in my +old apartment in the Rue de Rivoli, Paris. +</p> + +<p> +“King!” exclaimed Noah, who stood before me, red in the face with exertion; +“this is no boy’s play, and if it’s to be repeated, I shall use a lashing! +Where would be the harm, Sir John, if a man had eaten a monkey?” +</p> + +<p> +Astonishment kept me mute. Every object, just as I had left it the morning we +started for London, on our way to Leaphigh, was there. A table, in the centre +of the room, was covered with sheets of paper closely written over, which, on +examination, I found contained this manuscript as far as the last chapter. Both +the captain and myself were attired as usual; I a la Parisien and he a la +Stunin’tun. A small ship, very ingeniously made, and very accurately rigged, +lay on the floor, with “Walrus” written on her stern. As my bewildered eye +caught a glimpse of this vessel, Noah informed me that, having nothing to do +except to look after my welfare (a polite way of characterizing his ward over +my person, as I afterward found), he had employed his leisure in constructing +the toy. +</p> + +<p> +All was inexplicable. There was really the smell of meat. I had also that +peculiar sensation of fulness which is apt to succeed a dinner, and a dish well +filled with bones was in plain view. I took up one of the latter, in order to +ascertain its genus. The captain kindly informed me that it was the remains of +a pig, which had cost him a great deal of trouble to obtain, as the French +viewed the act of eating a pig as very little less heinous than the act of +eating a child. Suspicions began to trouble me, and I now turned to look for +the head and reproachful eye of the brigadier. +</p> + +<p> +The head was where I had just before seen it, visible over the top of a trunk; +but it was so far raised as to enable me to see that it was still planted on +its shoulders. A second look enabled me to distinguish the meditative, +philosophical countenance of Dr. Reasono, who was still in the hussar-jacket +and petticoat, though, being in the house, he had very properly laid aside the +Spanish hat with bedraggled feathers. +</p> + +<p> +A movement followed in the antechamber, and a hurried conversation, in a low, +earnest tone, succeeded. The captain disappeared, and joined the speakers. I +listened intently, but could not catch any of the intonations of a dialect +founded on the decimal principle. Presently the door opened, and Dr. +Etherington stood before me! +</p> + +<p> +The good divine regarded me long and earnestly. Tears filled his eyes, and, +stretching out both hands towards me, he asked: +</p> + +<p> +“Do you know me, Jack?” +</p> + +<p> +“Know you, dear sir!—Why should I not?” +</p> + +<p> +“And do you forgive me, dear boy?” +</p> + +<p> +“For what, sir?—I am sure, I have most reason to demand your pardon for a +thousand follies.” +</p> + +<p> +“Ah! the letter—the unkind—the inconsiderate letter!” +</p> + +<p> +“I have not had a letter from you, sir, in a twelvemonth; the last was anything +but unkind.” +</p> + +<p> +“Though Anna wrote, it was at my dictation.” +</p> + +<p> +I passed a hand over my brow, and had dawnings of the truth. +</p> + +<p> +“Anna?” +</p> + +<p> +“Is here—in Paris—and miserable—most miserable!—on your account.” +</p> + +<p> +Every particle of monikinity that was left in my system instantly gave way to a +flood of human sensations. +</p> + +<p> +“Let me fly to her, dear sir—a moment is an age!” +</p> + +<p> +“Not just yet, my boy. We have much to say to each other, nor is she in this +hotel. To-morrow, when both are better prepared, you shall meet.” +</p> + +<p> +“Add, never to separate, sir, and I will be patient as a lamb.” +</p> + +<p> +“Never to separate, I believe it will be better to say.” +</p> + +<p> +I hugged my venerable guardian, and found a delicious relief from a most +oppressive burden of sensations, in a flow of tears, +</p> + +<p> +Dr. Etherington soon led me into a calmer tone of mind. In the course of the +day, many matters were discussed and settled. I was told that Captain Poke had +been a good nurse, though in a sealing fashion; and that the least I could do +was to send him back to Stunin’tun, free of cost. This was agreed to, and the +worthy but dogmatical mariner was promised the means of fitting out a new +“Debby and Dolly.” +</p> + +<p> +“These philosophers had better be presented to some academy,” observed the +doctor, smiling, as he pointed to the family of amiable strangers, “being +already F. U. D. G. E.’s and H. O. A. X.’s. Mr. Reasono, in particular, is +unfit for ordinary society.” +</p> + +<p> +“Do with them as you please, my more than father. Let the poor animals, +however, be kept from physical suffering.” +</p> + +<p> +“Attention shall be paid to all their wants, both physical and moral.” +</p> + +<p> +“And in a day or two, we shall proceed to the rectory?” +</p> + +<p> +“The day after to-morrow, if you have strength.” +</p> + +<p> +“And to-morrow?” +</p> + +<p> +“Anna will see you.” +</p> + +<p> +“And the next day?” +</p> + +<p> +“Nay, not quite so soon, Jack; but the moment we think you perfectly restored, +she shall share your fortunes for the remainder of your common probation.” +</p> + +</div><!--end chapter--> + +<div class="chapter"> + +<h2><a name="link2HCH0030"></a> +CHAPTER XXX.<br/> +EXPLANATIONS—A LEAVE-TAKING—LOVE—CONFESSIONS, BUT NO PENITENCE.</h2> + +<p> +A night of sweet repose left me refreshed, and with a pulse that denoted less +agitation than on the preceding day. I awoke early, had a bath, and sent for +Captain Poke to take his coffee with me, before we parted; for it had been +settled, the previous evening, that he was to proceed towards Stunin’tun +forthwith. My old messmate, colleague, co-adventurer, and fellow-traveller, was +not slow in obeying the summons. I confess his presence was a comfort to me, +for I did not like looking at objects that had been so inexplicably replaced +before my eyes, unsupported by the countenance of one who had gone through so +many grave scenes in my company. +</p> + +<p> +“This has been a very extraordinary voyage of ours, Captain Poke,” I remarked, +after the worthy sealer had swallowed sixteen eggs, an omelet, seven +cotelettes, and divers accessories. “Do you think of publishing your private +journal?” +</p> + +<p> +“Why, in my opinion, Sir John, the less that either of us says of the v’y’ge +the better.” +</p> + +<p> +“And why so? We have had the discoveries of Columbus, Cook, Vancouver, and +Hudson—why not those of Captain Poke?” +</p> + +<p> +“To own the truth, we sealers do not like to speak of our cruising grounds—and, +as for these monikins, after all, what are they good for? A thousand of them +wouldn’t make a quart of ‘ile, and by all accounts their fur is worth next to +nothin’.” +</p> + +<p> +“Do you account their philosophy for nothing? and their jurisprudence?—you, who +were so near losing your head, and who did actually lose your tail, by the axe +of the executioner?” +</p> + +<p> +Noah placed a hand behind him, fumbling about the seat of reason, with evident +uneasiness. Satisfied that no harm had been done, he very coolly placed half a +muffin in what he called his “provision hatchway.” +</p> + +<p> +“You will give me this pretty model of our good old ‘Walrus,’ captain?” +</p> + +<p> +“Take it, o’ Heaven’s sake, Sir John, and good luck to you with it. You, who +give me a full-grown schooner, will be but poorly paid with a toy.” +</p> + +<p> +“It’s as like the dear old craft as one pea is like another!” +</p> + +<p> +“I dare say it may be. I never knew a model that hadn’t suthin’ of the original +in it.” +</p> + +<p> +“Well, my good shipmate, we must part. You know I am to go and see the lady who +is soon to be my wife, and the diligence will be ready to take you to Havre, +before I return.” +</p> + +<p> +“God bless you! Sir John—God bless you!” Noah blew his nose till it rung like a +French horn. I thought his little coals of eyes were glittering, too, more than +common, most probably with moisture. “You’re a droll navigator, and make no +more of the ice than a colt makes of a rail. But though the man at the wheel is +not always awake the heart seldom sleeps.” +</p> + +<p> +“When the ‘Debby and Dolly’ is fairly in the water, you will do me the pleasure +of letting me know it.” +</p> + +<p> +“Count on me, Sir John. Before we part, I have, however, a small favor to ask.” +</p> + +<p> +“Name it.” +</p> + +<p> +Here Noah drew out of his pocket a sort of basso relievo carved in pine. It +represented Neptune armed with a harpoon instead of a trident; the captain +always contending that the god of the seas should never carry the latter, but +that, in its place, he should be armed either with the weapon he had given him, +or with a boat-hook. On the right of Neptune was an English gentleman holding +out a bag of guineas. On the other was a female who, I was told, represented +the goddess of liberty, while it was secretly a rather flattering likeness of +Miss Poke. The face of Neptune was supposed to have some similitude to that of +her husband. The captain, with that modesty which is invariably the companion +of merit in the arts, asked permission to have a copy of this design placed on +the schooner’s stern. It would have been churlish to refuse such a compliment; +and I now offered Noah my hand, as the time for parting had arrived. The sealer +grasped me rather tightly, and seemed disposed to say more than adieu. +</p> + +<p> +“You are going to see an angel, Sir John.” +</p> + +<p> +“How!—Do you know anything of Miss Etherington?” +</p> + +<p> +“I should be as blind as an old bumboat else. During our late v’y’ge, I saw her +often.” +</p> + +<p> +“This is strange!—But there is evidently something on your mind, my friend; +speak freely.” +</p> + +<p> +“Well, then, Sir John, talk of anything but of our v’y’ge, to the dear crittur. +I do not think she is quite prepared yet to hear of all the wonders we saw.” +</p> + +<p> +I promised to be prudent; and the captain, shaking me cordially by the hand, +finally wished me farewell. There were some rude touches of feeling in his +manner, which reacted on certain chords in my own system; and he had been gone +several minutes before I recollected that it was time to go to the Hotel de +Castile. Too impatient to wait for a carriage, I flew along the streets on +foot, believing that my own fiery speed would outstrip the zigzag movement of a +fiacre or a cabriolet tie flace. +</p> + +<p> +Dr. Etherington met me at the door of his appartement, and led me to an inner +room without speaking. Here he stood gazing, for some time, in my face, with +paternal concern. +</p> + +<p> +“She expects you, Jack, and believes that you rang the bell.” +</p> + +<p> +“So much the better, dear sir. Let us not lose a moment; let me fly and throw +myself at her feet, and implore her pardon.” +</p> + +<p> +“For what, my good boy?” +</p> + +<p> +“For believing that any social stake can equal that which a man feels in the +nearest, dearest ties of earth!” +</p> + +<p> +The excellent rector smiled, but he wished to curb my impatience. +</p> + +<p> +“You have already every stake in society, Sir John Goldencalf,” he +answered—assuming the air which human beings have, by a general convention, +settled shall be dignified—“that any reasonable man can desire. The large +fortune left by your late father, raises you, in this respect, to the height of +the richest in the land; and now that you are a baronet, no one will dispute +your claim to participate in the councils of the nation. It would perhaps be +better, did your creation date a century or two nearer the commencement of the +monarchy; but, in this age of innovations, we must take things as they are, and +not as we might wish to have them.” +</p> + +<p> +I rubbed my forehead, for the doctor had incidentally thrown out an +embarrassing idea. +</p> + +<p> +“On your principle, my dear sir, society would be obliged to begin with its +great-grandfathers to qualify itself for its own government.” +</p> + +<p> +“Pardon me, Jack, if I have said anything disagreeable—no doubt all will come +right in heaven. Anna will be uneasy at our delay.” +</p> + +<p> +This suggestion drove all recollection of the good rector’s social-stake +system, which was exactly the converse of the social-stake system of my late +ancestor, quite out of my head. Springing forward, I gave him reason to see +that he would have no farther trouble in changing the subject. When we had +passed an antechamber, he pointed to a door, and admonishing me to be prudent, +withdrew. +</p> + +<p> +My hand trembled as it touched the door-knob, but the lock yielded. Anna was +standing in the middle of the room (she had heard my footsteps), an image of +womanly loveliness, womanly faith, and womanly feeling. By a desperate effort, +she was, however, mistress of her emotions. Though her pure soul seemed willing +to fly to meet me, she obviously restrained the impulse, in order to spare my +nerves. +</p> + +<p> +“Dear Jack!”—and both her soft, white, pretty little hands met me, as I eagerly +approached. +</p> + +<p> +“Anna!—dearest Anna!”—I covered the rosy fingers with kisses. +</p> + +<p> +“Let us be tranquil, Jack, and if possible, endeavor to be reasonable, too.” +</p> + +<p> +“If I thought this could really cost one habitually discreet as you an effort, +Anna?” +</p> + +<p> +“One habitually discreet as I, is as likely to feel strongly on meeting an old +friend, as another.” +</p> + +<p> +“I think it would make me perfectly happy, could I see thee weep.” +</p> + +<p> +As if waiting only for this hint, Anna burst into a flood of tears. I was +frightened, for her sobs became hysterical and convulsed. Those precious +sentiments which had been so long imprisoned in her gentle bosom, obtained the +mastery, and I was well paid for my selfishness, by experiencing an alarm +little less violent than her own outpouring of feeling. +</p> + +<p> +Touching the incidents, emotions, and language of the next half hour, it is not +my intention to be very communicative. Anna was ingenuous, unreserved, and, if +I might judge by the rosy blushes that suffused her sweet face, and the manner +in which she extricated herself from my protecting arms, I believe I must add, +she deemed herself indiscreet in that she had been so unreserved and ingenuous. +</p> + +<p> +“We can now converse more calmly, Jack,” the dear creature resumed, after she +had erased the signs of emotion from her cheeks—“more calmly, if not more +sensibly.” +</p> + +<p> +“The wisdom of Solomon is not half so precious as the words I have just +heard—and as for the music of spheres—” +</p> + +<p> +“It is a melody that angels only enjoy.” +</p> + +<p> +“And art not thou an angel?” +</p> + +<p> +“No, Jack, only a poor, confiding girl; one instinct with the affections and +weaknesses of her sex, and one whom it must be your part to sustain and direct. +If we begin by calling each other by these superhuman epithets, we may awake +from the delusion sooner than if we commence with believing ourselves to be no +other than what we really are. I love you for your kind, excellent, and +generous heart, Jack; and as for these poetical beings, they are rather +proverbial, I believe, for having no hearts at all.” +</p> + +<p> +As Anna mildly checked my exaggeration of language—after ten years of marriage +I am unwilling to admit there was any exaggeration of idea—she placed her +little velvet hand in mine again, smiling away all the severity of the reproof. +</p> + +<p> +“Of one thing, I think you may rest perfectly assured, dear girl,” I resumed, +after a moment’s reflection. “All my old opinions concerning expansion and +contraction are radically changed. I have carried out the principle of the +social-stake system in the extreme, and cannot say that I have been at all +satisfied with its success. At this moment I am the proprietor of vested +interests which are scattered over half the world. So far from finding that I +love my kind any more for all these social stakes, I am compelled to see that +the wish to protect one, is constantly driving me into acts of injustice +against all the others. There is something wrong, depend on it, Anna, in the +old dogmas of political economists!” +</p> + +<p> +“I know little of these things, Sir John, but to one ignorant as myself, it +would appear that the most certain security for the righteous exercise of power +is to be found in just principles.” +</p> + +<p> +“If available, beyond a question. They who contend that the debased and +ignorant are unfit to express their opinions concerning the public weal, are +obliged to own that they can only be restrained by force. Now, as knowledge is +power, their first precaution is to keep them ignorant; and then they quote +this very ignorance, with all its debasing consequences, as an argument against +their participating in authority with themselves. I believe there can be no +safe medium between a frank admission of the whole principle—” +</p> + +<p> +“You should remember, dear Goldencalf, that this is a subject on which I know +but little. It ought to be sufficient for us that we find things as they are; +if change is actually necessary, we should endeavor to effect it with prudence +and a proper regard to justice.” +</p> + +<p> +Anna, while kindly leading me back from my speculations, looked both anxious +and pained. +</p> + +<p> +“True—true”—I hurriedly rejoined, for a world would not tempt me to prolong her +suffering for a moment. “I am foolish and forgetful, to be talking thus at such +a moment; but I have endured too much to be altogether unmindful of ancient +theories. I thought it might be grateful to you, at least, to know, Anna, that +I have ceased to look for happiness in my affections for all, and am only so +much the better disposed to turn in search of it to one.” +</p> + +<p> +“To love our neighbor as ourself, is the latest and highest of the divine +commands,” the dear girl answered, looking a thousand times more lovely than +ever, for my conclusion was very far from being displeasing to her. “I do not +know that this object is to be attained by centring in our persons as many of +the goods of life as possible; but I do think, Jack, that the heart which loves +one truly, will be so much the better disposed to entertain kind feelings +towards all others.” +</p> + +<p> +I kissed the hand she had given me, and we now began to talk a little more like +people of the world, concerning our movements. The interview lasted an hour +longer, when the heaven. “You never yet were so unkind to one who was +offensive; much less could you willingly have plotted this cruelty to one you +regard!” +</p> + +<p> +Anna could no longer control herself, but her cheeks were wetted with the usual +signs of feeling in her sex. Then smiling in the midst of this little +outbreaking of womanly sensibility, her countenance became playful and radiant. +</p> + +<p> +“That letter ought not to be altogether proscribed, neither, Jack. Had it not +been written, you would never have visited Leaphigh, nor Leaplow, nor have seen +any of those wonderful spectacles which are here recorded.” +</p> + +<p> +The dear creature laid her hand on a roll of manuscript which she had just +returned to me, after its perusal. At the same time, her face flushed, as vivid +and transient feelings are reflected from the features of the innocent and +ingenuous, and she made a faint effort to laugh. +</p> + +<p> +I passed a hand over my brow, for whenever this subject is alluded to between +us, I invariably feel that there is a species of mistiness, in and about the +region of thought. I was not displeased, however, for I knew that a heart which +loved so truly would not willingly cause me pain, nor would one habitually so +gentle and considerate, utter a syllable that she might have reason to think +would seriously displease. +</p> + +<p> +“Hadst thou been with me, love, that journey would always be remembered as one +of the pleasantest events of my life, for, while it had its perils and its +disagreeables, it had also its moments of extreme satisfaction.” +</p> + +<p> +“You will never be an adept in political saltation, John!” +</p> + +<p> +“Perhaps not—but here is a document that will render it less necessary than +formerly.” +</p> + +<p> +I threw her a packet which had been received that morning from town, by a +special messenger, but of whose contents I had not yet spoken. Anna was too +young a wife to open it without an approving look from my fond eye. On glancing +over its contents, she perceived that I was raised to the House of Peers by the +title of Viscount Householder. The purchase of three more boroughs, and the +influence of my old friend Lord Pledge, had done it all. +</p> + +<p> +The sweet girl looked pleased, for I believe it is in female nature to like to +be a viscountess; but, throwing herself into my arms, she protested that her +joy was at my elevation and not at her own. +</p> + +<p> +“I owed you this effort, Anna, as some acknowledgment for your faith and +disinterestedness in the affair of Lord M’Dee.” +</p> + +<p> +“And yet, Jack, he had neither high cheek-bones, nor red hair; and his accent +was such as might please a girl less capricious than myself!” +</p> + +<p> +This was said playfully and coquettishly, but in a way to make me feel how near +folly would have been to depriving me of a treasure, had the heart I so much +prized been less ingenuous and pure. I drew the dear creature to my bosom, as +if afraid my rival might yet rob me of her possession. Anna looked up, smiling +through her tears; and, making an effort to be calm, she said, in a voice so +smothered as to prove how delicate she felt the subject to be:— +</p> + +<p> +“We will speak seldom of this journey, dear John, and try to think of the long +and dark journey which is yet before us. We will speak of it, however, for +there should be nothing totally concealed between us.” +</p> + +<p> +I kissed her serene and humid eyes, and repeated what she had just said, +syllable for syllable. Anna has not been unmindful of her words; for rarely, +indeed, has she touched on the past, and then oftener in allusion to her own +sorrows, than in reference to my impressions. +</p> + +<p> +But, while the subject of my voyage to the monikin region is, in a measure, +forbidden between me and my wife, there exists no such restraint as between me +and other people. The reader may like to know, therefore, what effect this +extraordinary adventure has left on my mind, after an interval of ten years. +</p> + +<p> +There have been moments when the whole has appeared a dream; but, on looking +back, and comparing it with other scenes in which I have been an actor, I +cannot perceive that this is not quite as indelibly stamped on my memory as +those. The facts themselves, moreover, are so very like what I see daily in the +course of occurrence around me, that I have come to the conclusion, I did go to +Leaphigh in the way related, and that I must have been brought back during the +temporary insanity of a fever. I believe, therefore, that there are such +countries as Leaphigh and Leaplow; and after much thought, I am of opinion that +great justice has here been done to the monikin character in general. +</p> + +<p> +The result of much meditation on what I witnessed, has been to produce sundry +material changes in my former opinions, and to unsettle even many of the +notions in which I may be said to have been born and bred. In order to consume +as little of the reader’s time as possible, I shall set down a summary of my +conclusions, and then take my leave of him, with many thanks for his politeness +in reading what I have written. Before completing my task in this way, however, +it will be well to add a word on the subject of one or two of my +fellow-travellers. +</p> + +<p> +I never could make up my mind relating to the fact whether we did or did not +actually eat Brigadier Downright. The flesh was so savory, and it tasted so +delicious after a week of philosophical meditation on nuts, and the +recollection of its pleasures is so very vivid, that I am inclined to think +nothing but a good material dinner could have left behind it impressions so +lively, I have had many melancholy thoughts on this subject, especially in +November; but observing that men are constantly devouring each other, in one +shape or another, I endeavor to make the best of it, and to persuade myself +that a slight difference in species may exonerate me from the imputation of +cannibalism. +</p> + +<p> +I often get letters from Captain Poke. He is not very explicit on the subject +of our voyage, it is true; but, on the whole, I have decided that the little +ship he constructed was built on the model of, and named after, our own Walrus +instead of our own Walrus being built on the model of, and named after, the +little ship constructed by Captain Poke. I keep the latter, therefore, to show +my friends as a proof of what I tell them, knowing the importance of visible +testimony with ordinary minds. +</p> + +<p> +As for Bob and the mates, I never heard any more of them. The former most +probably continued a “kickee” until years and experience enabled him to turn +the tables on humanity, when, as is usually the case with Christians, he would +be very likely to take up the business of a “kicker” with so much the greater +zeal on account of his early sufferings. +</p> + +<p> +To conclude, my own adventures and observations lead to the following +inferences, viz.: +</p> + +<p> +That every man loves liberty for his own sake and very few for the sake of +other people. +</p> + +<p> +That moral saltation is very necessary to political success at Leaplow, and +quite probably in many other places. +</p> + +<p> +That civilization is very arbitrary, meaning one thing in France, another thing +at Leaphigh, and still a third in Dorsetshire. +</p> + +<p> +That there is no sensible difference between motives in the polar region and +motives anywhere else. +</p> + +<p> +That truth is a comparative and local property, being much influenced by +circumstances; particularly by climate and by different public opinions. +</p> + +<p> +That there is no portion of human wisdom so select and faultless that it does +not contain the seeds of its own refutation. +</p> + +<p> +That of all the ’ocracies (aristocracy and democracy included) hypocrisy is the +most flourishing. +</p> + +<p> +That he who is in the clutches of the law may think himself lucky if he escape +with the loss of his tail. +</p> + +<p> +That liberty is a convertible term, which means exclusive privileges in one +country, no privileges in another, and inclusive privileges in all. +</p> + +<p> +That religion is a paradox, in which self-denial and humility are proposed as +tenets, in direct contradiction to every man’s senses. +</p> + +<p> +That phrenology and caudology are sister sciences, one being quite as +demonstrable as the other, and more too. +</p> + +<p> +That philosophy, sound principles and virtue, are really delightful; but, after +all, that they are no more than so many slaves of the belly; a man usually +preferring to eat his best friend to starving. +</p> + +<p> +That a little wheel and a great wheel are as necessary to the motion of a +commonweath, as to the motion of a stage-coach, and that what this gains in +periphery that makes up in activity, on the rotatory principle. +</p> + +<p> +That it is one thing to have a king, another to have a throne, and another to +have neither. +</p> + +<p> +That the reasoning which is drawn from particular abuses, is no reasoning for +general uses. +</p> + +<p> +That, in England, if we did not use blinkers, our cattle would break our necks; +whereas, in Germany we travel at a good pace, allowing the horse the use of his +eyes; and in Naples we fly, without even a bit! +</p> + +<p> +That the converse of what has just been said of horses is true of men, in the +three countries named. +</p> + +<p> +That occultations of truth are just as certain as the aurora boreal is, and +quite as easily accounted for. +</p> + +<p> +That men who will not shrink from the danger and toil of penetrating the polar +basin, will shrink from the trouble of doing their own thinking, and put +themselves, like Captain Poke, under the convoy of a God-like. +</p> + +<p> +That all our wisdom is insufficient to protect us from frauds, one outwitting +us by gyrations and flapjacks, and another by adding new joints to the cauda. +</p> + +<p> +That men are not very scrupulous touching the humility due to God, but are so +tenacious of their own privileges in this particular, they will confide in +plausible rogues rather than in plain-dealing honesty. +</p> + +<p> +That they who rightly appreciate the foregoing facts, are People’s Friends, and +become the salt of the earth—yea, even the Most Patriotic Patriots! +</p> + +<p> +That it is fortunate “all will come right in heaven,” for it is certain too +much goes wrong on earth. +</p> + +<p> +That the social-stake system has one distinctive merit: that of causing the +owners of vested rights to set their own interests in motion, while those of +their fellow-citizens must follow, as a matter of course, though perhaps a +little clouded by the dust raised by their leaders. +</p> + +<p> +That he who has an Anna, has the best investment in humanity; and that if he +has any repetition of his treasure, it is better still. +</p> + +<p> +That money commonly purifies the spirit as wine quenches thirst; and therefore +it is wise to commit all our concerns to the keeping of those who have most of +it. +</p> + +<p> +That others seldom regard us in the same light we regard ourselves; witness the +manner in which Dr. Reasono converted me from a benefactor into the travelling +tutor of Prince Bob. +</p> + +<p> +That honors are sweet even to the most humble, as is shown by the satisfaction +of Noah in being made a lord high admiral. +</p> + +<p> +That there is no such stimulant of humanity, as a good moneyed stake in its +advancement. +</p> + +<p> +That though the mind may be set on a very improper and base object, it will not +fail to seek a good motive for its justification, few men being so hardened in +any grovelling passion, that they will not endeavor to deceive themselves, as +well as their neighbors. +</p> + +<p> +That academies promote good fellowship in knowledge, and good fellowship in +knowledge promotes F. U. D. G. E.’s, and H. O. A. X.’s. +</p> + +<p> +That a political rolling-pin, though a very good thing to level rights and +privileges, is a very bad thing to level houses, temples, and other matters +that might be named. +</p> + +<p> +That the system of governing by proxy is more extended than is commonly +supposed; in one country a king resorting to its use, and in another the +people. +</p> + +<p> +That there is no method by which a man can be made to covet a tail, so sure as +by supplying all his neighbors, and excluding him by an especial edict. +</p> + +<p> +That the perfection of consistency in a nation, is to dock itself at home, +while its foreign agents furiously cultivate caudae abroad. +</p> + +<p> +That names are far more useful than things, being more generally understood, +less liable to objections, of greater circulation, besides occupying much less +room. +</p> + +<p> +That ambassadors turn the back of the throne outward, aristocrats draw a +crimson curtain before it, and a king sits on it. +</p> + +<p> +That nature has created inequalities in men and things, and, as human +institutions are intended to prevent the strong from oppressing the weak, ergo, +the laws should encourage natural inequalities as a legitimate consequence. +</p> + +<p> +That, moreover, the laws of nature having made one man wise and another man +foolish—this strong, and that weak, human laws should reverse it all, by making +another man wise and one man foolish—that strong, and this weak. On this +conclusion I obtained a peerage. +</p> + +<p> +That God-likes are commonly Riddles, and Riddles, with many people, are, as a +matter of course, God-likes. That the expediency of establishing the base of +society on a principle of the most sordid character, one that is denounced by +the revelations of God, and proved to be insufficient by the experience of man, +may at least be questioned without properly subjecting the dissenter to the +imputation of being a sheep-stealer. +</p> + +<p> +That we seldom learn moderation under any political excitement, until forty +thousand square miles of territory are blown from beneath our feet. +</p> + +<p> +That it is not an infallible sign of great mental refinement to bespatter our +fellow-creatures, while every nerve is writhing in honor of our pigs, our cats, +our stocks, and our stones. +</p> + +<p> +That select political wisdom, like select schools, propagates much questionable +knowledge. +</p> + +<p> +That the whole people is not infallible, neither is a part of the people +infallible. +</p> + +<p> +That love for the species is a godlike and pure sentiment; but the philanthropy +which is dependent on buying land by the square mile, and selling it by the +square foot, is stench in the nostrils of the just. +</p> + +<p> +That one thoroughly imbued with republican simplicity invariably squeezes +himself into a little wheel, in order to show how small he can become at need. +</p> + +<p> +That habit is invincible, an Esquimaux preferring whale’s blubber to beefsteak, +a native of the Gold Coast cherishing his tom-tom before a band of music, and +certain travelled countrymen of our own saying, “Commend me to the English +skies.” +</p> + +<p> +That arranging a fact by reason is embarrassing, and admits of cavilling; while +adapting a reason to a fact is a very natural, easy, every-day, and sometimes +necessary, process. +</p> + +<p> +That what men affirm for their own particular interests they will swear to in +the end, although it should be a proposition as much beyond the necessity of an +oath, as that “black is white.” +</p> + +<p> +That national allegories exist everywhere, the only difference between them +arising from gradations in the richness of imaginations. +</p> + +<p> +And finally:— +</p> + +<p> +That men have more of the habits, propensities, dispositions, cravings, antics, +gratitude, flapjacks, and honesty of monikins, than is generally known. +</p> + +<p> +THE END. +</p> + +</div><!--end chapter--> + +<div style='display:block; margin-top:4em'>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE MONIKINS ***</div> +<div style='text-align:left'> + +<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> +Updated editions will replace the previous one—the old editions will +be renamed. +</div> + +<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> +Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright +law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, +so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United +States without permission and without paying copyright +royalties. Special rules, set forth in the General Terms of Use part +of this license, apply to copying and distributing Project +Gutenberg™ electronic works to protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG™ +concept and trademark. Project Gutenberg is a registered trademark, +and may not be used if you charge for an eBook, except by following +the terms of the trademark license, including paying royalties for use +of the Project Gutenberg trademark. If you do not charge anything for +copies of this eBook, complying with the trademark license is very +easy. You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose such as creation +of derivative works, reports, performances and research. Project +Gutenberg eBooks may be modified and printed and given away--you may +do practically ANYTHING in the United States with eBooks not protected +by U.S. copyright law. Redistribution is subject to the trademark +license, especially commercial redistribution. +</div> + +<div style='margin:0.83em 0; font-size:1.1em; text-align:center'>START: FULL LICENSE<br /> +<span style='font-size:smaller'>THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE<br /> +PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK</span> +</div> + +<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> +To protect the Project Gutenberg™ mission of promoting the free +distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work +(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase “Project +Gutenberg”), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full +Project Gutenberg™ License available with this file or online at +www.gutenberg.org/license. +</div> + +<div style='display:block; font-size:1.1em; margin:1em 0; font-weight:bold'> +Section 1. General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg™ electronic works +</div> + +<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> +1.A. By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg™ +electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to +and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property +(trademark/copyright) agreement. If you do not agree to abide by all +the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or +destroy all copies of Project Gutenberg™ electronic works in your +possession. If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a +Project Gutenberg™ electronic work and you do not agree to be bound +by the terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person +or entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8. +</div> + +<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> +1.B. “Project Gutenberg” is a registered trademark. It may only be +used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who +agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement. There are a few +things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg™ electronic works +even without complying with the full terms of this agreement. See +paragraph 1.C below. There are a lot of things you can do with Project +Gutenberg™ electronic works if you follow the terms of this +agreement and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg™ +electronic works. See paragraph 1.E below. +</div> + +<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> +1.C. The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation (“the +Foundation” or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection +of Project Gutenberg™ electronic works. Nearly all the individual +works in the collection are in the public domain in the United +States. If an individual work is unprotected by copyright law in the +United States and you are located in the United States, we do not +claim a right to prevent you from copying, distributing, performing, +displaying or creating derivative works based on the work as long as +all references to Project Gutenberg are removed. Of course, we hope +that you will support the Project Gutenberg™ mission of promoting +free access to electronic works by freely sharing Project Gutenberg™ +works in compliance with the terms of this agreement for keeping the +Project Gutenberg™ name associated with the work. You can easily +comply with the terms of this agreement by keeping this work in the +same format with its attached full Project Gutenberg™ License when +you share it without charge with others. +</div> + +<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> +1.D. The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern +what you can do with this work. Copyright laws in most countries are +in a constant state of change. If you are outside the United States, +check the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this +agreement before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, +distributing or creating derivative works based on this work or any +other Project Gutenberg™ work. The Foundation makes no +representations concerning the copyright status of any work in any +country other than the United States. +</div> + +<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> +1.E. Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg: +</div> + +<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> +1.E.1. The following sentence, with active links to, or other +immediate access to, the full Project Gutenberg™ License must appear +prominently whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg™ work (any work +on which the phrase “Project Gutenberg” appears, or with which the +phrase “Project Gutenberg” is associated) is accessed, displayed, +performed, viewed, copied or distributed: +</div> + +<blockquote> + <div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> + This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most + other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions + whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms + of the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online + at <a href="https://www.gutenberg.org">www.gutenberg.org</a>. If you + are not located in the United States, you will have to check the laws + of the country where you are located before using this eBook. + </div> +</blockquote> + +<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> +1.E.2. If an individual Project Gutenberg™ electronic work is +derived from texts not protected by U.S. copyright law (does not +contain a notice indicating that it is posted with permission of the +copyright holder), the work can be copied and distributed to anyone in +the United States without paying any fees or charges. If you are +redistributing or providing access to a work with the phrase “Project +Gutenberg” associated with or appearing on the work, you must comply +either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 or +obtain permission for the use of the work and the Project Gutenberg™ +trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. +</div> + +<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> +1.E.3. If an individual Project Gutenberg™ electronic work is posted +with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution +must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any +additional terms imposed by the copyright holder. Additional terms +will be linked to the Project Gutenberg™ License for all works +posted with the permission of the copyright holder found at the +beginning of this work. +</div> + +<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> +1.E.4. Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg™ +License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this +work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg™. +</div> + +<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> +1.E.5. Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this +electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without +prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with +active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project +Gutenberg™ License. +</div> + +<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> +1.E.6. You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary, +compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including +any word processing or hypertext form. However, if you provide access +to or distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg™ work in a format +other than “Plain Vanilla ASCII” or other format used in the official +version posted on the official Project Gutenberg™ website +(www.gutenberg.org), you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense +to the user, provide a copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means +of obtaining a copy upon request, of the work in its original “Plain +Vanilla ASCII” or other form. Any alternate format must include the +full Project Gutenberg™ License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1. +</div> + +<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> +1.E.7. Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying, +performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg™ works +unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. +</div> + +<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> +1.E.8. You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing +access to or distributing Project Gutenberg™ electronic works +provided that: +</div> + +<div style='margin-left:0.7em;'> + <div style='text-indent:-0.7em'> + • You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from + the use of Project Gutenberg™ works calculated using the method + you already use to calculate your applicable taxes. The fee is owed + to the owner of the Project Gutenberg™ trademark, but he has + agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the Project + Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation. Royalty payments must be paid + within 60 days following each date on which you prepare (or are + legally required to prepare) your periodic tax returns. Royalty + payments should be clearly marked as such and sent to the Project + Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the address specified in + Section 4, “Information about donations to the Project Gutenberg + Literary Archive Foundation.” + </div> + + <div style='text-indent:-0.7em'> + • You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies + you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he + does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg™ + License. You must require such a user to return or destroy all + copies of the works possessed in a physical medium and discontinue + all use of and all access to other copies of Project Gutenberg™ + works. + </div> + + <div style='text-indent:-0.7em'> + • You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of + any money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the + electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days of + receipt of the work. + </div> + + <div style='text-indent:-0.7em'> + • You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free + distribution of Project Gutenberg™ works. + </div> +</div> + +<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> +1.E.9. If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project +Gutenberg™ electronic work or group of works on different terms than +are set forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing +from the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the manager of +the Project Gutenberg™ trademark. Contact the Foundation as set +forth in Section 3 below. +</div> + +<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> +1.F. +</div> + +<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> +1.F.1. Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable +effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread +works not protected by U.S. copyright law in creating the Project +Gutenberg™ collection. Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg™ +electronic works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may +contain “Defects,” such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate +or corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other +intellectual property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or +other medium, a computer virus, or computer codes that damage or +cannot be read by your equipment. +</div> + +<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> +1.F.2. LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the “Right +of Replacement or Refund” described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project +Gutenberg™ trademark, and any other party distributing a Project +Gutenberg™ electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all +liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal +fees. YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT +LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE +PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH 1.F.3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE +TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE +LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR +INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH +DAMAGE. +</div> + +<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> +1.F.3. LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a +defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can +receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a +written explanation to the person you received the work from. If you +received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium +with your written explanation. The person or entity that provided you +with the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in +lieu of a refund. If you received the work electronically, the person +or entity providing it to you may choose to give you a second +opportunity to receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund. If +the second copy is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing +without further opportunities to fix the problem. +</div> + +<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> +1.F.4. Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth +in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you ‘AS-IS’, WITH NO +OTHER WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT +LIMITED TO WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE. +</div> + +<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> +1.F.5. Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied +warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of +damages. If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement +violates the law of the state applicable to this agreement, the +agreement shall be interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or +limitation permitted by the applicable state law. The invalidity or +unenforceability of any provision of this agreement shall not void the +remaining provisions. +</div> + +<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> +1.F.6. INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the +trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone +providing copies of Project Gutenberg™ electronic works in +accordance with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the +production, promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg™ +electronic works, harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, +including legal fees, that arise directly or indirectly from any of +the following which you do or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this +or any Project Gutenberg™ work, (b) alteration, modification, or +additions or deletions to any Project Gutenberg™ work, and (c) any +Defect you cause. +</div> + +<div style='display:block; font-size:1.1em; margin:1em 0; font-weight:bold'> +Section 2. Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg™ +</div> + +<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> +Project Gutenberg™ is synonymous with the free distribution of +electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of +computers including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers. It +exists because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations +from people in all walks of life. +</div> + +<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> +Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the +assistance they need are critical to reaching Project Gutenberg™’s +goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg™ collection will +remain freely available for generations to come. In 2001, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure +and permanent future for Project Gutenberg™ and future +generations. To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary +Archive Foundation and how your efforts and donations can help, see +Sections 3 and 4 and the Foundation information page at www.gutenberg.org. +</div> + +<div style='display:block; font-size:1.1em; margin:1em 0; font-weight:bold'> +Section 3. Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation +</div> + +<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> +The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non-profit +501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the +state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal +Revenue Service. The Foundation’s EIN or federal tax identification +number is 64-6221541. Contributions to the Project Gutenberg Literary +Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent permitted by +U.S. federal laws and your state’s laws. +</div> + +<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> +The Foundation’s business office is located at 809 North 1500 West, +Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887. Email contact links and up +to date contact information can be found at the Foundation’s website +and official page at www.gutenberg.org/contact +</div> + +<div style='display:block; font-size:1.1em; margin:1em 0; font-weight:bold'> +Section 4. Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation +</div> + +<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> +Project Gutenberg™ depends upon and cannot survive without widespread +public support and donations to carry out its mission of +increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be +freely distributed in machine-readable form accessible by the widest +array of equipment including outdated equipment. Many small donations +($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt +status with the IRS. +</div> + +<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> +The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating +charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United +States. Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a +considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up +with these requirements. We do not solicit donations in locations +where we have not received written confirmation of compliance. To SEND +DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any particular state +visit <a href="https://www.gutenberg.org/donate/">www.gutenberg.org/donate</a>. +</div> + +<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> +While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we +have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition +against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who +approach us with offers to donate. +</div> + +<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> +International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make +any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from +outside the United States. U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff. +</div> + +<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> +Please check the Project Gutenberg web pages for current donation +methods and addresses. Donations are accepted in a number of other +ways including checks, online payments and credit card donations. To +donate, please visit: www.gutenberg.org/donate +</div> + +<div style='display:block; font-size:1.1em; margin:1em 0; font-weight:bold'> +Section 5. General Information About Project Gutenberg™ electronic works +</div> + +<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> +Professor Michael S. Hart was the originator of the Project +Gutenberg™ concept of a library of electronic works that could be +freely shared with anyone. For forty years, he produced and +distributed Project Gutenberg™ eBooks with only a loose network of +volunteer support. +</div> + +<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> +Project Gutenberg™ eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as not protected by copyright in +the U.S. unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we do not +necessarily keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper +edition. +</div> + +<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> +Most people start at our website which has the main PG search +facility: <a href="https://www.gutenberg.org">www.gutenberg.org</a>. +</div> + +<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> +This website includes information about Project Gutenberg™, +including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary +Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to +subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. +</div> + +</div> + +</body> +</html> |