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diff --git a/40901-8.txt b/40901-8.txt deleted file mode 100644 index af9cdb5..0000000 --- a/40901-8.txt +++ /dev/null @@ -1,5549 +0,0 @@ -The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Gentleman and Lady's Book of Politeness -and Propriety of Deportment, Dedicated to the Youth of Both Sexes, by Elisabeth Celnart - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with -almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or -re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included -with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org - - -Title: The Gentleman and Lady's Book of Politeness and Propriety of Deportment, Dedicated to the Youth of Both Sexes - -Author: Elisabeth Celnart - -Release Date: September 30, 2012 [EBook #40901] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK GENTLEMAN, LADY'S BOOK OF POLITENESS *** - - - - -Produced by Julia Miller, David Wilson and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This -book was produced from scanned images of public domain -material from the Google Print project.) - - - - - - - - - - THE - GENTLEMAN AND LADY'S - BOOK OF POLITENESS - AND - PROPRIETY OF DEPORTMENT, - DEDICATED TO THE - YOUTH OF BOTH SEXES. - - BY Mme. CELNART. - - - TRANSLATED FROM THE SIXTH PARIS EDITION, - ENLARGED AND IMPROVED. - - - BOSTON. - ALLEN AND TICKNOR, - AND - CARTER, HENDEE & CO - 1833. - - - - -Entered according to Act of Congress, the year 1833, by Allen and -Ticknor, in the Clerk's office of the District Court of the District -of Massachusetts. - - -BOSTON: Kane and Co. 127 Washington Street. - - - - -PREFACE. - - -The present work has had an extensive circulation in France, the country -which we are accustomed to consider as the genial soil of politeness; -and the publishers have thought it would be rendering a useful service -on this side of the Atlantic to issue a translation of it. - -Some foreign visitors in our country, whose own manners have not always -given them a right to be censors of others, have very freely told us -what we ought _not_ to do; and it will be useful to know from -respectable authority, what is done in polished society in Europe, and, -of course, what we _ought to do_, in order to avoid all just censure. -This object, we are confident, will be more effectually accomplished by -the study of the principles and rules contained in the present volume, -than by any other of the kind. - -By persons who are deemed competent judges in such a case, this little -work has been pronounced to be one of the most useful and practical -works extant upon the numerous and delicate topics which are discussed -in it. We are aware, that a man can no more acquire the ease and -elegance of a finished gentleman, by any manual of this kind, than in -the fine arts he could become a skilful painter or sculptor by studying -books alone, without practice. It is, however, equally true, that the -_principles_ of Politeness may be studied, as well as the principles of -the arts. At the same time, intercourse with polite society, in other -words, _practice_, as in the case of the arts, must do the rest. - -The reader will find in this volume some rules founded on customs and -usages peculiar to France and other countries, where the Roman Catholic -religion is established. But it was thought better to retain them in the -work, than to mutilate it, by making such material alterations as would -have been occasioned by expunging every thing of that description. In -our liberal and tolerant country, these peculiarities will give offence -to none; while to many, their novelty, at least, will be interesting. - - The Translator. - -_Boston, May 6, 1833._ - - - - -CONTENTS. - - - PART I. - - Page. - Introduction. - - Of Propriety of Deportment, and its Advantages xiii - - - CHAPTER I. - - Of Propriety of Conduct in Relation to Religious Duties 1 - - Sect. 1. Of respectful Deportment at Church ibid. - 2. Of religious Propriety in our Intercourse with - the World 6 - - - CHAPTER II. - - Of Propriety of Conduct in Relation to Domestic Duties 9 - - - CHAPTER III. - - Of Propriety of Conduct in Conjugal and Domestic Relations 12 - - - CHAPTER IV. - - Of Propriety as regards one's self 19 - - Sect. 1. Of the Toilet ibid. - 2. Of Reputation 27 - - - CHAPTER V. - - Of Propriety in regard to one's Business or Profession 32 - - Sect. 1. Politeness of Shopkeepers and Customers ibid. - 2. Politeness between Persons in Office and the Public 38 - 3. Politeness of Lawyers and their Clients 39 - 4. Politeness of Physicians and their Patients 40 - 5. Politeness of Artists and Authors, and the deference - due to them 42 - 6. Politeness of Military Men 46 - 7. Politeness of Ecclesiastics and Females of Religious - Orders; and the deference due to them 48 - - - PART II. - - OF PROPRIETY OF DEPORTMENT IN REGARD TO OUR SOCIAL RELATIONS. - - - CHAPTER I. - - Of Deportment in the Street 50 - - - CHAPTER II. - - Of different kinds of Visits 59 - - - CHAPTER III. - - Of the Manner of receiving Visitors 75 - - - CHAPTER IV. - - Of the Carriage of the Body 82 - - - CHAPTER V. - - Of Physical Proprieties in Conversation 88 - - Sect. 1. Physical Observances in Conversation ibid. - 2. Of Gestures 90 - 3. Of the Talent of listening to others 92 - 4. Of Pronunciation 97 - 5. Of Correctness in Speaking 100 - - - CHAPTER VI. - - Of the Moral Observances in Conversation 104 - - Sect. 1. Of Formal and Vulgar Usages ibid. - 2. Of Questions and frequently recurring Expressions 110 - 3. Of Narrations, Analysis, and Digressions 111 - 4. Of Suppositions and Comparisons 118 - 5. Of Discussions and Quotations 119 - 6. Of Pleasantry, Proverbs, Puns, and Bon Mots 121 - 7. Of Eulogiums, Complainings, Improprieties in general, - and Prejudices 125 - - - CHAPTER VII. - - Of Epistolary Composition 130 - - Sect. 1. Of Propriety in Letter Writing ibid. - 2. Of the Interior and Exterior Form of Letters 136 - - - CHAPTER VIII. - - Additional Rules in respect to the Social Relations 146 - - Sect. 1. Of an obliging Deportment ibid. - 2. Of Presents 151 - 3. Of Advice 154 - 4. Of Discretion 155 - - - CHAPTER IX. - - Of Travelling 159 - - - PART III. - - OF PROPRIETY IN RELATION TO PLEASURES. - - - CHAPTER I. - - Of Entertainments. 163 - - - CHAPTER II. - - Of Promenades, Parties, and Amusements 171 - - Sect. 1. Of Promenades ibid. - 2. Of Parties and Amusements 175 - 3. Little Sports and Games of Society 180 - - - CHAPTER III. - - Of Balls, Concerts, and Public Shows 182 - - Sect. 1. Of Balls ibid. - 2. Of Concerts 188 - 3. Of Public Shows and Spectacles 189 - - - CHAPTER IV. - - Of the Duties of Hospitality 193 - - - PART IV. - - OF PROPRIETY AS REGARDS OTHER CIRCUMSTANCES. - - - CHAPTER I. - - Of Marriage and Baptism 196 - - Sect. 1. Of Marriage ibid. - 2. Of Baptism 202 - - - CHAPTER II. - - Of Duties toward the Unfortunate 205 - - Sect. 1. Of Duties toward the Sick, Infirm, and Unfortunate ibid. - 2. Of Funerals and Mourning 208 - - - - -PART I. - - - - -INTRODUCTION. - -_Of Propriety of Deportment, and its Advantages._ - - -Propriety of deportment, or _bienséance_, is a happy union of the moral -and the graceful; it should be considered in two points of view, and -ought therefore to direct us in our important duties, as well as our -more trifling enjoyments. When we regard it only under this last aspect, -some contend that mere intercourse with the world gives a habit and -taste for those modest and obliging observances which constitute true -politeness; but this is an error. Propriety of deportment, is the -valuable result of a knowledge of one's-self, and of respect for the -rights of others; it is a feeling of the sacrifices which are imposed on -self-esteem by our social relations; it is, in short, a sacred -requirement of harmony and affection. But the usage of the world is -merely the gloss, or rather the imitation of propriety: since instead of -being like that, based upon sincerity, modesty and courtesy, it -consists, in not being constant in anything, and in amusing itself by -playing off its feelings and ridicule, against the defects and -excellences of others, provided that this is done with grace, and is -never carried so far as to wound the self-esteem of any one. Thanks to -custom, it is sufficient in order to be recognised as amiable, that he -who is the subject of a malicious pleasantry may laugh as well as the -author of it. The usage of the world is therefore often nothing more -than a skilful calculation of vanity, a futile game, a superficial -observance of form, a false politeness which would lead to frivolity or -perfidy, did not true politeness animate it with delicacy, reserve and -benevolence. Would that custom had never been separated from this -virtuous amiableness! We should then never see well-intentioned and good -people suspicious of politeness; and when victims to the deceitful, -justly exclaim with bitterness, _This is your man of politeness_; nor -should we ever have made a distinction between the fixed principles of -virtue, and what is fit and expedient. The love of good, in a word, -virtue, is then the soul of politeness; the feeling of a just harmony -between our interest and our social relations, is also indispensable to -this agreeable quality. Excessive gaiety, extravagant joy, great -depression, anger, love, jealousy, avarice, and generally all the -passions, are too often dangerous shoals to propriety of deportment. -Moderation in everything is so essential, that it is even a violation -of propriety itself to affect too much the observance of it. - -It is to propriety, its justice and attractions, that we owe all the -charm, I might almost say, the being able to live in society. At once -the effect and cause of civilization, it avails itself of the grand -spring of the human mind, self-love, in order to purify and ennoble it; -to substitute for pride and all those egotistical or offensive feelings -which it generates, benevolence, with all the amiable and generous -sentiments, which it inspires. In an assembly of truly polite people, -all evil seems to be unknown; what is just, estimable, and good, or what -we call fit or suitable, is felt on all sides; and actions, manners and -language alike indicate it. Now if we place in this select assembly, a -person who is a stranger to the advantages of a polite education, he -will at once be made sensible of the value of it, and will immediately -desire to display the same urbanity by which he has himself been -pleased. - -If politeness is necessary in general, it is not less so in particular -cases. Neither rank, talents, fortune, nor beauty, can dispense with -this amenity of manners; nor can any thing inspire regard or love, -without that graceful affability, that mild dignity, that elegant -simplicity, which make the name of _Frenchman_ synonymous with -_amiable_, and make Paris dear, to whatever has understanding and -taste. If all the world feels the truth of the verse which is now a -proverb, - - Cette grâce plus belle encors que la beauté,[1] - -every one also is sensible, that grace in conferring a favor, affects us -more than the favor itself, and that a kind smile, and an affectionate -tone, penetrate the heart more deeply than the most brilliant elocution. - -As to the technical part of politeness, or forms alone, the intercourse -of society, and good advice, are undoubtedly useful; but the grand -secret of never failing in propriety of deportment, is to have an -intention of always doing what is right. With such a disposition of -mind, exactness in observing what is proper, appears to all to possess a -charm and influence; and then not only do mistakes become excusable, but -they become even interesting from their thoughtlessness and naïveté. -After the manner of St. Augustine, who used to say, _Love God, and then -do what you wish_, we would say to those, just making their début in -society, Be modest, benevolent, and do not distress yourself on account -of the mistakes of your inexperience; a little attention, and the -advice of a friend, will soon correct these trifling errors. Such a -friend, I wish to be to you. In undertaking to revise, and almost -entirely remodel, the _Manual of Good Society_, I have wished and have -engaged to be useful to you. A more methodical arrangement of the work, -more precise and varied details, in short, important applications to all -conditions and circumstances of life, I venture to believe, will make -this treatise worthy of its design. - - - [1] That grace, which is more beautiful than beauty itself.--_T._ - - - - -CHAPTER I. - -_Of propriety of conduct in relation to religious duties._ - - -We have said, that propriety ought to preside over the sublimest -instructions of morality, as it also regulates the gayest movements of -pleasure. We proceed first, therefore, to consider religious deportment. - - -SECTION I. - -_Of respectful deportment at Church._ - -Religious sentiment is the great, perhaps the only difference which we -find between man and other animals. However it may absorb you by its -depth, exalt you with delight, or withdraw from you in misfortune, this -mysterious and sublime sentiment ought always to command your respect. -Therefore, without objecting to particular differences of worship, never -enter a church without submitting to the requirements of religion.[2] -Observe silence, or at least speak seldom, and in a low voice; uncover -yourself; advance with a slow and grave step; stop, at the same time -making an inclination of your body, if any ceremony engages the -assembly. Whether the church be Jewish, Catholic, or Protestant, -recollect, that in this place men honor the Creator of the Universe; -that here they seek consolation in their troubles, and pardon of their -sins. - -If you visit a church or any similar edifice, from curiosity, endeavor -to do it out of the time of service. Contemplate silently the pictures, -monuments, &c.; beware of imitating those vandals, who deface with their -obscure and ephemeral names those monuments which are destined to endure -for ages. Do not like them forget, that the only thing which you can -expect is a smile of contempt from all enlightened friends of the arts. -Do not wait till the keepers remind you of the remuneration due to their -kindness in conducting you; offering it to them with your thanks on -taking leave; and in order to this, be always provided with small -change. The respect due to the place requires us to abstain from -everything which resembles the cares of business. - -I have thus far spoken only the language of toleration, and of religious -worship in general, but I am now going to use that of faith and -devotion. Let the neatness and modesty of your apparel, and your -discreet and respectful deportment, show that you perceive what is due -to the house of God. Incline your body on entering; take the holy -water;[3] then advance by the shortest way, and without precipitation, -to the place which you are to occupy; if possible, do not change it; -neither put yourself in the passage, nor carry the chairs to a distance; -take two together, to avoid turning your seat as circumstances may -require in the course of the ceremony.[4] - -If the services have commenced, place yourself in the rear, in order not -to disturb those present by your coming. The same motive ought to -prevent your going away before the end, except from pressing necessity. - -If you are accompanied by a lady to whom you owe deference, advance and -present to her the holy water; prepare two chairs for her, and place -yourself near. In leaving church, clear the passage for her; carry her -prayer-book, present her again with the holy water, and hold the door -open to let her pass. Indeed, these two last marks of politeness should -be shown indiscriminately by well-bred people to any who happen to be -near them, in entering or leaving the church. Kind regards towards our -neighbors are a worthy accompaniment of devotion. - -If on a crowded occasion you have two chairs, it is well to offer one of -them to those who have none; a man ought even to give up his own to a -lady who might be standing. Every one knows that it is contrary to the -sanctity of the place, to walk in a church as upon a public promenade; -to convene there as in a private house; to cast on one side and the -other looks of curiosity; to have a mien which displays uneasiness or -weariness; to balance yourself upon the seat, or shake in an annoying -manner that of the person before you; to carry with you dogs, packets, -&c. - -During the sermon, it is necessary to endeavor to make no noise, and to -bow with profound respect every time the preacher pronounces the sacred -name of Jesus Christ.[5] - -Whether you give or withhold an offering to the mendicants of either -sex, they should be answered by a kind salutation. - -It is entirely contrary to religious propriety to press forward, in -going to the altar; you ought to wait in silence your turn, without -trying to supplant those before you; however, should you have any urgent -motives, you can make them known with mildness and politeness. Disputes -which arise with regard to this, are at the same time an absurdity and -impiety. - -When you take a place at the holy table, you should lay aside gloves, -book, cane, &c. It is well for ladies to cover themselves with a veil -half drawn; it is a mark of reverence as well as modesty. - - - [2] The directions which here follow, are obviously intended for - those who profess the Catholic religion; but most of them are - also applicable to other denominations of Christians.--_T._ - - [3] This refers to the usage in Catholic churches, in which the - consecrated or holy water is kept in a vase, appropriated to - the purpose, near the entrance and in other parts of the - church.--_T._ - - [4] These directions are more particularly applicable to Catholic - churches in foreign countries, where it is not the general - custom, as in the United States, to have pews. The whole floor - is an open area, and supplied with chairs; each person, during - service takes two, one of which he sits in, and places the - other before him to kneel upon. This custom of using chairs, - however, is not universal even in Europe; and the author - observes, in a note, that it were to be wished that in all - parts of France they would adopt the custom observed at Havre, - Dieppe, and other cities of Normandy, where, instead of having - chairs, the churches are furnished throughout with fixed seats - or benches, by which means the service is conducted with much - more order and decorum.--_T._ - - [5] This latter direction is more particularly applicable to - Catholic usage.--_T._ - - -SECTION II. - -_Of religious propriety in our intercourse with the world._ - -If it is a fundamental principle of propriety of conduct not to wound -any one in his self-esteem, his tastes, or interests, much more is it -necessary to respect his religious opinions. To make sport of faith, -that powerful, deep and involuntary sentiment, before which the law -yields; to deliver to the pain of doubting, hearts just become pious and -tranquil; to awaken a spirit of fanaticism and religious excesses; to -cause one's self to be considered by some as an imprudent, by others an -unworthy person, and by all as an enemy to politeness and -tolerance,--are the sad results of raillery against religious -observances, raillery, too, almost always dictated by a desire of -showing off one's wit. - -These results take place without any exception; impious sarcasms in -serious people constantly do injury; but they become still more -revolting in the mouths of females, who, like angels, ought ever to show -themselves lovely, pure, and free from passion; whom Bernardin Saint -Pierre designates with much feeling and justice the _pious sex_. - -We ought not however to proscribe entirely delicate and happy allusions, -or comparisons drawn from the sacred books, and made in a proper spirit. -It is useless, I think, to adduce instances; suffice it to add, that -rigor alone can reprove them, and that the occasion sometimes renders -them very seasonable. - -As to religious discussions, they above all demand the most reserve and -care, since without our knowledge conscience frequently becomes in them -auxiliary to pride. If then you are unable to command yourself; if you -do not feel enough of logical power, enough of grace, or at least of -exactness of elocution, to contend with success, avoid controversies; -avoid them through fear of committing, in the eyes of weak people, that -religion which you defend, and of exposing yourself to lasting ridicule. -But, whatever be the skill which you exhibit in eluding the arguments of -your adversary, whatever be your triumph, and although your disposition -should urge you, never turn a serious discussion into jest; from that -moment you would lose all your advantages, and, although overthrown, -your antagonist will recover himself with this just reflection, that -'nothing is proved by a jest.' - -Finally, while you manifest on every occasion a sincere and profound -respect for religion, beware above all things of making a proclamation -of your piety. Avoid talking with those in your parish, about your -confessor, and your religious observances. If you do not distinguish -yourself from the crowd, they will take you for a hypocrite, or a person -of small mind. If you recommend yourself, on the contrary, by superior -merit, they will think that you take pleasure in showing the contrast -which exists between your exalted talents and your humble faith. Between -ourselves, would they be in the wrong? - - - - -CHAPTER II. - -_Of propriety of conduct in relation to domestic duties._ - - -Since we admit that there are duties of propriety relative to piety, -there are also duties relative to filial piety, that other worship, that -familiar veneration of the Deity, whom our parents represent on earth. -The most sublime, the most touching marks of religion and of nature -unite in commanding us to love and honor those from whom we have -received life. We shall not offend our readers by supposing it requisite -to insist upon the necessity of fulfilling a duty which is felt by all -correct minds and all good hearts. - -The custom has prevailed of addressing the father and mother in the -second person.[6] This mark of great confidence, and affectionate -freedom, ought never to degenerate into an offensive familiarity. We -ought always to address them in a respectful and kind tone; to -anticipate them in every thing; to ask their advice; to receive their -reproofs with submission; to be silent with regard to the errors they -may commit; to show them a lively gratitude on every occasion; in short, -whatever advantage you have over them, be careful to conceal it, and -consider them always your superiors, your benefactors and your guides. - -Besides the daily marks of deference which we should show to our -parents, there are other particular attentions for which our affection -should seek every occasion. At certain periods, such as the new year, -the birth day or day of baptism, we should offer them tender -congratulations, or ingeniously devised presents. We are not allowed to -dispense with these delicate attentions. If you have success in the -sciences or arts, make appropriate presents to those from whom you have -derived the benefits of your education. - -If you are separated from your father and mother, write to them -frequently; let your style be impressed with a devoted affection; repeat -more particularly at the end of your letters the sentiments of respect -and of love with which you should be inspired. - -As to what your uncles, aunts, brothers, sisters, and cousins require of -you, you will know what are the duties of propriety in that respect, if -you feel how dear family ties are; you will show towards some a -respectful, and towards the others a friendly politeness. They should -claim on every occasion your first visits and your first attentions; you -should identify yourself with them in all their prosperity or adversity; -invite them above all others to fêtes and meetings at your house, unless -when you assemble a party on a special occasion, at which they would be -entire strangers. You should always take care to invite your relations -by themselves from time to time, to prove that you have no intention of -slighting them. You may be more intimate with some of your family, and -give them particular proofs of affection; but in these meetings you will -do well to abstain from every act of preference. - -Without being at all wanting in cordiality, a little more ceremony -should be used towards your relations by marriage, to whom you indeed -owe as much respect as to your own relations. - - - [6] This is an allusion to the idiom of the French language, and is - inapplicable in English.--_T._ - - - - -CHAPTER III. - -_Of propriety of conduct in conjugal and domestic relations._ - - -If any thing can render politeness ridiculous, and even odious, it is -the disposition of certain persons, who in society are moderate, -amiable, and gracious, but in private show themselves morose, rough and -ill-natured. This fault, much too common, is one of the greatest -inconsistencies of the human mind. You use all your exertions to please -the world which you only see cursorily, and in which you have only power -to procure a few moments of pleasure, and you neglect to be agreeable to -your husband or wife, from whom you expect the happiness of a whole -life. Perhaps it would be better to be continually capricious or harsh, -for the contrast of your politeness in the drawing-room with your -impoliteness at home makes you appear still more odious. Conjugal -intimacy, it is true, dispenses with the etiquette established by -politeness, but it does not dispense with attentions. In the presence of -your wife or husband, you ought never to do those things which carry -with them an idea of disgust, nor perform those duties of the toilet, -which before any one but yourself offend decency and cleanliness.[7] -One ought never to permit disorder in his wardrobe under the excuse that -he is just up, or at his own house. To dress with neatness, and elegant -simplicity is important, even at home. - -The conversation of husband and wife cannot be elegant, and sustained in -the same manner that it is in society; it would indeed be superlatively -ridiculous that it should not have interruption or relaxation, but it -should be free from all impoliteness and indelicacy. If at any time the -society of your husband or wife causes you _ennui_, you ought neither to -say so, nor give any suspicion of the cause by abruptly changing the -conversation. In all discussions you should watch yourself attentively, -lest domestic familiarity raise itself by degrees to the pitch of a -quarrel. It is especially to females that this advice is addressed, and -to the impressive words of Scripture, 'woman was not created for wrath,' -we may add these, 'she was created for gentleness.' - -To entertain with a politeness particularly affectionate the friends of -a person with whom you are connected by marriage; to respect inviolably -the letters which she writes or receives; to avoid prying into the -secrets which she conceals from you through delicacy; never to act -contrary to her inclinations, unless they are injurious to herself, and -even in this case not to oppose her, but to endeavor to check them with -address and kindness; to beware of confiding to strangers or to -domestics the little vexations which she causes you; to dread like -poison marks of contempt, coldness, suspicion, or reproaches; to -apologize promptly and in an affectionate manner if you have allowed -yourself to run into any ill humor; to receive her counsels with -attention, and benevolence, and to execute them as quickly as -possible--these are the obligations of propriety and love, to which -husbands possessed of gentleness bind themselves, by the sanctity of the -vows which they have taken before God. There is a still more rigorous -duty for a new husband, and for well married persons; they must abstain -in public from every mark of affection too conspicuous, and every -exclusive attention. Married persons who, in society, place themselves -continually near one another, and who converse and dance together, do -not escape the ridicule to which their feelings blind them. In society, -we ought above every thing to avoid being personal; for a husband or a -wife, is another self; and we must forget that _self_. - -Mothers, in particular, spare no caresses towards your children, occupy -yourselves entirely with them, unless perhaps you fear to render them -proud, difficult and insupportable; if you fatigue people by having them -always present, if you encourage or repeat their prattle and their -sports; if, on the other hand, you treat them with severity before -strangers, if you reprimand or punish them, be assured every one will -consider you importunate as well as ridiculous. - -Domestic propriety, which is at once a duty of justice, religion and -humanity, is also a source of peace and pleasure. Servants treated with -suitable regard, are attentive, zealous and grateful, and consequently -every thing is done with propriety and affection. Who does not know the -charm and value of this? - -Duties of this class require that you should never command your -domestics with hauteur and harshness. Every time that they render you a -service, it claims an expression, a gesture, or at least a look of -thankfulness; it requires that you should be still more affectionate -towards the domestics of your acquaintances, and especially towards -those of your friends, whom you ought always to treat kindly. As to your -own domestics, you should carefully beware of addressing to them any -confidential or even useless conversation, for fear of rendering them -insolent or familiar; but propriety requires you to listen to them with -kindness, and give them salutary advice when it is for their interest. -It commands us also to show them indulgence frequently, in order to be -able, when there is cause, to reprove them with firmness, without being -obliged to have recourse to the false energy of anger. - -The _ton_ of domestics ordinarily announces that of their masters. Never -suffer them to remain seated while answering distinguished persons who -ask for you. Take care that they do it always in a civil and polite -manner; let them lose no time, if there is occasion, in relieving your -visitors of their over-shoes, umbrellas, cloaks, &c.; let them go -before, to save your visitors the trouble of opening and shutting the -door. When an announcement is made, let them inform themselves -respectfully of the name of the person, and pronounce it while holding -open for them the door of your room. If you are not there, let them -offer a seat, requesting the guests to wait a moment while they go to -call you. - -When visitors take leave, domestics ought to manifest a promptness in -opening the outer door; they should hold the door by the handle, while -you converse with the person whom you reconduct; they should present -them respectfully with whatever garments they may have thrown off, and -aid them in again putting them on; and should, if occasion requires, -light them to the door, going slowly behind them. - -Accustom your domestics never to appear before you too poorly, or too -much dressed; never to sit in your presence, especially while waiting -upon the table; not to enter into conversation; never to answer by -signs, or in coarse terms. - -It is only among the badly educated people of the small towns that they -say, the 'maid,' the 'boy,' the 'domestic,' the 'servant;' and among the -proud, ill-bred fashionables, who ape grandeur; the 'lackey,' the -'valet,' 'my people;' well-bred persons simply say, the 'nurse,' the -'cook,' the 'chamber-maid,' &c. and what is still better, they designate -their domestics by their christian names. - -If you have ever met with those merciless housekeepers who give you a -whole tariff of the commodities which they have been to market to -purchase, attended by their maid; who entertain you constantly with the -insults and unfaithfulness of their domestics; who fly into a passion -before you on account of a glass broken, of which they require the -value, and make you witness and judge of pert discussions occasioned by -servants' mistakes; if you have had the misfortune to dine with such -persons, and have seen them hand reluctantly to their sullen -maid-servants one key after another, to arrange the dessert brought by -them with a good supply of ill-humor; if you have seen them go to the -cellar themselves, and when they have just left the table, to arrange in -a surly manner the wine, sugar, and delicacies, tell me, poor guest, if, -turning your head away with confusion and disgust, you have not an -hundred times said to yourself, 'Oh! what living and disgusting models -of upstarts or provincials.' - - - [7] As washing the feet, cutting the nails, &c. - - - - -CHAPTER IV. - -_Of propriety as regards one's self._ - - -Attention to one's person and reputation is also a duty. If vanity, -pride, or prudery, have frequently given to these attentions the names -of coquetry, ambition, or folly, this is a still stronger reason, why we -should endeavor to clear up these points. - - -SECTION I. - -_Of the toilet._ - -Propriety requires that we should always be clothed in a cleanly and -becoming manner, even in private, in leaving our bed, or in the presence -of no one. It requires that our clothing be in keeping with our sex, -fortune, profession, age, and form, as well as with the season, the -different hours of the day and our different occupations. - -Let us now descend to the particulars of these general rules. - -The dress for a man on his first rising, is a cap of cotton, or silk and -cotton, a morning gown, or a vest with sleeves; for a lady, a small -muslin cap, (bonnet de percale,) a camisole or common robe. It is well -that a half corset should precede the full corset, which last is used -only when one is dressed; for it is bad taste for a lady not to be laced -at all. The hair papers, which cannot be removed on rising (because the -hair would not keep in curl till evening,) should be concealed under a -bandeau of lace or of the hair. They should be removed as soon as may -be. In this dress, we can receive only intimate friends or persons, who -call upon urgent or indispensable business; even then we ought to offer -some apology for it. To neglect to take off this morning dress as soon -as possible, is to expose one's self to embarrassments often very -painful, and to the appearance of a want of education. Moreover, it is -well to impose upon yourself a rule to be dressed at some particular -hour (the earliest possible,) since occupations will present themselves -to hinder your being ready for the day; and you will easily acquire the -habit of this. Such disorder of the toilet can be excused when it occurs -rarely, or for a short time, as in such cases it seems evidently owing -to a temporary embarrassment; but if it occur daily, or constantly; if -it seems the result of negligence and slovenliness, it is unpardonable, -particularly in ladies, whose dress seems less designed for clothing -than ornament. - -To suppose that great heat of weather will authorise this disorder of -the toilet, and will permit us to go in slippers, or with our legs and -arms bare, or to take nonchalant or improper attitudes, is an error of -persons of a low class, or destitute of education. Even the weather of -dog-days would not excuse this; and if we would remain thus dressed, we -must give directions that we are not at home. On the other hand, to -think that cold and rainy weather excuses like liberties, is equally an -error. You ought not to be in the habit of wearing large socks (this is -addressed particularly to ladies,) as socks of list and similar -materials; much less noisy shoes, such as wooden ones, galoches lined -with fur, shoes with wooden soles, socks, &c.; this custom is in the -worst taste. When you go to see any one, you cannot dispense with taking -off your socks or clogs before you are introduced into the room. For to -make a noise in walking is entirely at variance with good manners. - -However pressed one may be, a lady of good breeding should not go out in -a morning dress, neither with an apron nor cap, even if it is made of -fine cloth and trimmed with ribbands; nor should a well-bred man show -himself in the street in a waistcoat only, a jacket without sleeves, &c. -We said before that the dress should be adapted to the different hours -of the day. Ladies should make morning calls in an elegant and simple -négligé, all the details of which we cannot give, on account of their -multiplicity and the numerous modification of fashion. We shall only say -that ladies generally should make these calls in the dress which they -wear at home. Gentlemen may call in an outside coat, in boots and -pantaloons, as when they are on their ordinary business. In short, this -dress is proper for gentlemen's visits in the middle of the day. With -regard to ladies, it is necessary for them when visiting at this time, -to arrange their toilet with more care. Ceremonious visits, evening -visits, and especially balls, require more attention to the dress of -gentlemen, and a more brilliant costume for ladies. There are for the -latter, head-dresses particularly designed for such occasions, and for -no other, such as rich blond caps, ornamented with flowers, brilliant -_berrets_ and _toques_, appropriate to the drawing-room. - -The nicest cloth, new and very fine linen, an elegant but plain -waistcoat; a beautiful watch, to which is attached a single costly key, -thin and well polished shoes, an entirely new hat, of a superior -quality--this is a dress at once recherché and rigorously exact, for -gentlemen of good taste and _ton_. One's profession requires very little -modification of this costume; we should observe, however, that men of -science (savans) and literary men and those in the profession of the -law, should avoid having a fashionable or military costume, which is -generally adopted by students, commercial men, and _exquisites_, for the -sake of _ton_ or for want of something to do. - -Situation in the world determines among ladies, those differences, which -though otherwise well marked, are becoming less so every day. Every one -knows that whatever be the fortune of a young lady, her dress ought -always, in form as well as ornaments, to exhibit less of a recherché -appearance and should be less showy than that of married ladies. Costly -cashmeres, very rich furs, and diamonds, as well as many other brilliant -ornaments, are to be forbidden a young lady; and those who act in -defiance of these rational marks of propriety make us believe that they -are possessed of an unrestrained love of luxury, and deprive themselves -of the pleasure of receiving these ornaments from the hand of the man of -their choice. - -All ladies cannot use indiscriminately the privilege which marriage -confers upon them in this respect, and the toilet of those whose fortune -is moderate should not pass the bounds of an elegant simplicity. -Considerations of a more elevated nature, as of good domestic order, the -dignity of a wife, and the duties of a mother, come in support of this -law of propriety, for it concerns morality in all its branches. - -We must beware of a shoal in this case; frequently a young lady of small -fortune, desiring to appear decently in any splendid assembly, makes -sacrifices in order to embellish her modest attire. But these sacrifices -are necessarily inadequate; a new and brilliant article of dress is -placed by the side of a mean or old one. The toilet then wants harmony, -which is the soul of elegance as well as of beauty. Moreover, whatever -be the opulence which you enjoy, luxury encroaches so much upon it, that -no riches are able to satisfy its demands; but fortunately propriety, -always in accordance with reason, encourages by this maxim social and -sensible women. Neither too high, nor too low; it is equally ridiculous -either to pretend to be the most showy, or to display the meanest attire -in an assembly. - -The rules suitable to age resemble those which mediocrity of fortune -imposes; for instance, old ladies ought to abstain from gaudy colors, -recherché designs, too late fashions, and graceful ornaments, as -feathers, flowers, and jewels. A lady in her decline dressed in her -hair, and wearing a dress with short sleeves, adorned with collars, -bracelets, &c. offends against propriety as much as against her interest -and dignity. - -The rigorous simplicity of the dress of men establishes but very little -difference between that of young and old. The latter, however, ought to -choose grave colors, not to follow the fashions too closely; to avoid -garments too tight or too short, and not to have in view in their toilet -any other object but ease and neatness. Unless the care of their health, -or complete baldness, requires them to wear a wig,[8] it is more proper -that old persons should show their white and noble heads. Old ladies, -whom custom requires to conceal this respectable sign of a long life, -should at least avoid hair too thick or too full of curls. - -If they would not appear ridiculous and clothed in a manner disagreeable -or offensive, ladies ought to adopt in summer light garments, and -delicate colors, and in winter, furs, thick and warm fabrics, and deep -colors. Men till lately were almost free from this obligation; they used -to be constantly clothed in broadcloth in all seasons: but now, although -this may form the basis of their toilet, they must select stuffs for -winter or summer, as may be suitable. It is in good ton for gentlemen to -wear a rich cloak; an outer garment over the coat (especially one of -silk,) is left for men of a certain age. It only belongs to -septuagenarians and ecclesiastics to wear doublets or wadded outer -coats. - -To finish our instructions relative to the toilet, it only remains for -us to make a few observations. - -It is superlatively ridiculous for a lady to go on foot, when dressed in -her hair, or attired for the drawing-room or a ball. If one dwells in a -provincial town where it is not customary to use carriages, they should -go in a chair. Who does not perceive how laughable it is to see a lady -who is clothed in satin lace, or velvet, laboriously travelling in the -dust or mud. - -Vary your toilet as much as possible, for fear that idlers and malignant -wits, who are always a majority in the world, should amuse themselves by -making your dress the description of your person. - -Certain fashionables seek to gain a kind of reputation by the odd choice -of their attire, and by their eagerness to seize upon the first caprices -of the fashions. Propriety with difficulty tolerates these fancies of a -spoiled child: but it applauds a woman of sense and taste, who is not in -a hurry to follow the fashions and asks how long they will probably last -before adopting them; finally, who selects and modifies them with -success according to her size and figure. - -It would be extremely clownish to carry dirt into a decent house, -especially if one makes a ceremonious visit; and, when there is much -mud, or when we cannot walk with skill, it is proper to go in a -carriage, or at least to put in requisition the services of a shoe-black -at a short distance from the house. - - - [8] Young people who become bald, should not hesitate to have recourse - to wigs. Nothing more saddens the appearance, than those bald - skulls, which seem always to invite the observations of the - anatomist. - - -SECTION II. - -_Of Reputation._ - -Among the cares which propriety obliges us to take of our person, to -please is but an accessary circumstance; the principal end is to -indicate by cleanliness, and the suitableness of apparel, that good -order, a sense of what is right, and politeness in all things, direct -our thoughts and actions. In this point of view, we see that a regard to -reputation is the necessary consequence of the duties of propriety -toward one's self. - -To inspire esteem and consideration, is then the grand object of -propriety of conduct; for without this treasure, the relations of -society would be a humiliation and punishment. They are obtained by the -accomplishment of our obligations of family and of our profession; by -our probity and good manners; by our fortune and situation in society. - -Consideration is not acquired by words; an article so precious demands a -real value; it demands also the assistance of discretion. So that we -must begin by fulfilling exactly our duties towards relations; but we -must beware of making public those petty quarrels, and little -differences of interest, of ill humor or opinion, which sometimes -trouble families most closely united. These momentary clouds, soon -dissipated by affection and confidence, would be engraven on the memory -of others as a proof of your domestic discords, and in the end, of your -faults.[9] - -Probity, that powerful means of obtaining consideration, by its elevated -and religious nature, is not within our investigation of the principles -of politeness. - -This is not the case with that consideration which is attached to purity -of morals. The proof of probity is in probity itself; but, thanks to the -delicate shades of reputation, in regard to chastity, there exists, -independently of good conduct, a multitude of cares, and precautions, -which, however minute and embarrassing at times, ought never to be -neglected. Ladies, to whom the advice contained in this paragraph is -particularly addressed, know how the shadow of suspicion withers and -torments them. This shadow, it is necessary to avoid at all hazards, and -on that account to submit to all the requirements of propriety. - -Young married ladies are at liberty to visit by themselves their -acquaintances, but they cannot present themselves in public without -their husband, or an aged lady. They are at liberty however to walk with -young married ladies or unmarried ones, while the latter should never -walk alone with their companions. Neither should they show themselves -except with a gentleman of their family, and then he should be a near -relation or of respectable age. - -Except in certain provincial towns, where there is a great strictness in -behavior, young married ladies receive the visits of gentlemen; they -permit their company in promenades, without suffering the least injury -to their reputation, provided it is always with men of good morals, and -that they take care to avoid every appearance of coquetry. Young widows -have equal liberty with married ladies. - -A lady ought not to present herself alone in a library, or a museum, -unless she goes there to study or work as an artist. - -A lady ought to have a modest and measured gait; too great hurry injures -the grace which ought to characterize her. She should not turn her head -on one side and the other, especially in large towns, where this bad -habit seems to be an invitation to the impertinent. If such persons -address her in any flattering or insignificant terms, she should take -good care not to answer them a word. If they persist, she should tell -them in a brief and firm, though polite tone, that she desires to be -left to herself. If a man follow her in silence, she should pretend not -to perceive him, and at the same time hasten a little her step. - -Towards the close of the day, a young lady would conduct herself in an -unbecoming manner, if she should go alone; and if she passes the evening -with any one, she ought to see that a domestic comes to accompany her, -if not, to request the person whom she is visiting, to allow some one to -do so. But however much this may be considered proper, and consequently -an obligation, a married lady well educated will disregard it if -circumstances prevent her being able, without trouble, to find a -conductor. - -If the master of the house wishes to accompany you himself, you must -excuse yourself politely from giving him so much trouble, but finish -however by accepting. On arriving at your house, you should offer him -your thanks. In order to avoid these two inconveniences, it will be well -to request your husband, or some one of your relations to come and wait -upon you; you will in this way avoid still another inconvenience; in -small towns, where malice is excited by ignorance and want of something -to do, they frequently censure the most innocent acts; it is not -uncommon to hear slanderous and silly gossips observe, that madame -such-a-one goes to madame such-a-one's for the sake of returning with -her husband. The seeds of such an imputation, once sown, quickly come to -maturity. - -The care of the reputation of ladies further demands that they should -have a modest deportment; should abstain from forward manners, and free -speeches. - - - [9] As to the means of obtaining consideration, in performing the - duties appertaining to our station in life, see the following - chapters. - - - - -CHAPTER V. - -_Of propriety, in regard to one's business or profession._ - - -Besides general politeness, that ready money which is current with all, -there is a polite deportment suited to every profession. Interest, -custom, and the desire of particular esteem, the necessity of moderating -the enthusiasm which almost constantly animates us,--are the motives -which determine the different kinds of politeness that we are going to -consider as regards shopkeepers, people in office, lawyers, physicians, -artists, military men, and ecclesiastics. As all this politeness is -mutual, we shall necessarily speak of the obligations imposed upon -people who have intercourse with these different persons. - - -SECTION I. - -_Politeness of Shopkeepers and Customers._ - -Politeness in shopkeepers is a road to fortune, which the greater part -of them are careful not to neglect, especially at Paris, where we find -particularly the model of a well-bred shopkeeper. It is this model that -we wish to hold up even to some Parisians, and to the retail dealers of -the provincial towns, as well as to those who are unacquainted with -trade, but are destined to that profession. - -When a customer calls, the shopkeeper should salute him politely, -without inquiring after his health, unless he be intimately acquainted -with him. He then waits until the customer has made known his wishes, -advances toward him, or brings forward a seat, then shows him, with -great civility, the articles for which he has inquired. If the purchaser -be difficult to suit, capricious, ridiculous, or even disdainful, the -shopkeeper ought not to appear to perceive it; he may however in such -cases, show a little coldness of manner. - -The part which shopkeepers have to act is frequently painful, we must -allow; there are some people who treat them like servants; there are -some _capricious fashionables_, who go into a shop only to pass the -time, to see the new fashions, and who, with this object make the -shopkeeper open a hundred bundles, show heaps of goods, and finish by -going out, saying in a disdainful tone that nothing suits them. There -are some merciless purchasers who contend for a few cents with all the -tenacity of avarice, obstinacy and pride; however, under all these -vexations, the shopkeeper must show constant urbanity. He waits upon -such imperious purchasers with readiness, but nevertheless in silence, -for he must be convinced that the more complying we are to people of -this sort, the more haughty and difficult they show themselves. - -With _capricious fashionables_, his patience should never forsake him; -and although he well knows what will be the result of their fatiguing -call, he nevertheless should show them his goods, as if he thought they -really intended to buy; for sometimes this tempts them to purchase. Even -though his politeness should be all lost, he should still express his -regret at not having been able to suit the lady, and hope to be more -fortunate another time; he should then conduct her politely to the door, -which he should hold open until her carriage leaves it. - -A shopkeeper who wishes to save time, words and vexation, who even feels -the dignity of his profession, ought to sell at a fixed price, or if he -does not announce that he sells in that mode, he ought at least to adopt -it, and not to have what is called an _asking_ price. If however he has -to do with those gossips who think themselves cheated unless something -is abated, or who design to impose sacrifices on the shopkeepers, it is -necessary to carry on this ridiculous skirmishing politely, and to yield -by degrees, without exhibiting any marks of displeasure at these -endless debates. But the dealer of _bon ton_ abstains from those lofty -assurances, those laughable adjurations, declarations of loss, and of -preference, as, _I lose all profit, it is because it is you_, and other -foolish things, which make a lackey's office of a truly respectable -profession. - -The clerks should carry the articles purchased to the desk, whither they -should politely conduct the purchaser; they then should make up the -bundle which they should not deliver until the bill is settled, and the -purchaser is ready to depart. If the latter is not on foot, the bundle -should not be delivered until he is seated in the carriage, and the door -is ready to be shut. If, on the contrary, the purchaser is not in a -carriage, he must be asked whether he wishes to have the bundle carried -home. This politeness is indispensable if the bundle is large, and -especially if the purchaser is a lady. - -It is further necessary that the person at the desk should offer small -change for the balance of the purchase, and should apologise if he is -obliged to give copper or heavy money; he ought to present a bill of the -articles, and not show any ill-humor if the purchaser thinks proper to -look over it. - -There is one circumstance which tries the politeness of the most civil -shopkeepers; it is when an assortment is wanted. It is indeed irksome -enough to show a great quantity of goods, and give patterns of them, -with the certainty almost that all you do will avail nothing. But it -ought not to be forgotten, that like all other qualities, politeness has -its trials, and that perhaps the person who has thus chanced to call at -their shop, will be induced by this amenity of behavior, to continue -always a customer. - -We trust that the shopkeepers' clerks, in the recommendations which we -are now about to give them, will not see any silly attempt to address -them with smart sayings. - -By enjoining upon them to avoid volubility--a disrespectful familiarity -toward ladies--extravagant praises of their goods--an affected zeal in -serving rich persons--an impolite tardiness, and disdainful inattention -to people of a diffident manner--the ridiculous habit of wishing to make -conversation--to urge people to buy whether they wish to or not--to stun -them with the names of all the goods in the shop--by enjoining upon them -to avoid these things, we intend less to join in than to preserve them -from the reproaches of fault finders. - -Every civility ought to be reciprocal, or nearly so. If the officious -politeness of the shopkeeper does not require an equal return, he has at -least a claim to civil treatment; and, finally, if this politeness -proceed from interest, is this a reason why purchasers should add to -the unpleasantness of his profession, and trouble themselves little at -violating the laws of politeness? Many very respectable people allow -themselves so many infractions on this point, that I think it my duty to -dwell upon it. - -You should never say, _I want such a thing_, but, _have the goodness to -show me_, or _show me, if you please, that article_, or use some other -polite form of address. If they do not show you at first the articles -you desire, and you are obliged to examine a great number, apologize to -the shopkeeper for the trouble you give him. If, after all you cannot -suit yourself, renew your apologies, when you go away. - -If you make small purchases, say, _I ask your pardon_, or _I am sorry -for having troubled you for so trifling a thing_. If you spend a -considerable time in the selection of articles, apologize to the -shopkeeper who waits for you to decide. - -If the price seems to you too high, and that the shop has not fixed -prices, ask an abatement in brief and civil terms, and without ever -appearing to suspect the good faith of the shopkeeper. If he does not -yield, do not enter into a contest with him, but go away, after telling -him politely that you think you can obtain the article cheaper -elsewhere, but if not, that you will give him the preference. If the -clerk ends by asking whether you wish for any other article, answer -always in a manner to encourage him that you will call again. We should -never neglect to be agreeable. Thank him always when you go out. - - -SECTION II. - -_Politeness between Persons in Office and the Public._ - -This is not very conspicuous; nor can it be, since in this case, the -desire of pleasing and the expectation of gain, have no influence. -Besides, as we remain but a moment with these gentlemen, and as they -have business with a great many people, the observances and forms of -politeness would be misplaced. The following are points to be observed -by them, and are by no means rigid; the greater therefore the reason for -conforming to them. - -A man in office is not obliged to rise and salute people, nor to offer -them a seat; it is enough for him to receive them by an inclination of -the head, and make a sign with the hand, to intimate to them to be -seated. The business being finished, he salutes them on leaving, as -before, and never conducts them back to the door. It would be ridiculous -to be offended with these _bureaucratic_ forms, and still more so, to -wish to enter into conversation, to make inquiries concerning the -health, &c. In proportion to their official habits, those in office -ought to watch themselves with care in society. - - -SECTION III. - -_Politeness of Lawyers and their Clients._ - -Politeness is a very difficult thing for this respectable class, who see -constantly before their eyes people always animated with a feeling which -renders them little amiable, namely, interest. Besides, being in the -habit of refuting their adversaries, and being obliged to do it -promptly, they acquire, in general, a kind of bluntness, a decisive -tone, a spirit of contradiction, of which they ought to be distrustful -in society, and also in their places of business. The familiar usage of -common inquiries after the health is not customary between attorneys or -advocates and their clients, unless they have before been acquainted -with them. They are however bound to observe attentions which are not -practised by persons in office. They rise to salute their clients, offer -them a seat, and conduct them to the door when they take leave; they -observe what is due to sex, rank, and age. - -As to clients, they ought to conform to the ordinary rules of civility; -they ought, moreover, not to exhibit any signs of impatience while they -are waiting until they can be received. They should take care to be -clear and precise in the narration of their business, and not to -importune by vain repetitions or passionate declamations, the counsellor -who is listening to them. They should also consider that his moments are -precious, and should retire so soon as they shall have sufficiently -instructed him in their business. - - -SECTION IV. - -_Politeness of Physicians and their Patients._ - -The observances adopted in the offices of lawyers, are likewise -practised with consulting physicians; but sympathy should give to the -tone or manner of the latter a more affectionate character. Patients -well educated will beware of abusing it, and will keep to themselves all -complaints which are useless towards a knowledge of their malady. They -will answer the questions of the doctor in a clear, brief, and polite -manner; and when these questions do not embrace the observations which -they may have made on their own disorder, they will say so, at the same -time observing some excuse like the following; _I ask your pardon; this -observation is perhaps idle, but being myself ignorant, and wishing to -omit nothing, I submit it to your good judgment._ - -You ought to give frequent and heartfelt thanks to the physician who -affords you his advice or attentions. The circumstance of his being -unsuccessful does not exonerate you from these testimonies of gratitude; -it renders them perhaps more obligatory, for delicacy requires that you -should not appear tacitly to reproach him on account of his having been -unfortunate in his efforts. - -Being obliged to speak of different wants, and of different parts of the -body, for which politeness has no appropriate language, the physician -ought to avoid being obscure or gross, particularly when addressing -ladies. A forgetfulness of these forms often renders insupportable even -a meritorious and learned man. - -Every one knows, with what delicate precautions a physician ought to -speak before the patient and his family, of the nature of the illness -and of the probable consequences when there exists any danger; in what -guarded terms he should at last disclose to them a fatal termination, if -unfortunately it has become inevitable. Every body knows, also, that -however poignant may be the grief of parents, they ought never to let it -appear in their conversations with the physician, that they regard him -as the cause of their affliction. - - -SECTION V. - -_Politeness of Artists and Authors, and the Deference due to them._ - -Do artists come under the common rule, it will perhaps be said? and I -shall ask, in my turn: Do they live like others,--these men, always -absorbed in one strong and single conception, with which they, like the -Creator, wish to animate matter?--who seek everywhere the secret of the -beautiful which goads, infatuates, and evades them?--passionate, -absorbed in thought, ingenuous, almost always strangers to calculation, -to pleasure, and to the occupations of the world? No, they have a -separate existence, one which the world does not comprehend, and which -they ought to conceal from the world. - -If, as we shall see hereafter, one should avoid speaking of his -profession, and of his personal affairs, for a still stronger reason, an -artist ought to be silent about his own labors, his success, and his -hopes. People will accuse him of arrogance, of vanity, and perhaps even -of madness; for enthusiasm is not included in, nor admitted into -society, because there the ridiculous is feared above everything, _and -from the sublime to the ridiculous there is but one step_. Let him, -then, reserve only for his friends, for true friends of the arts, his -noble and striking bursts of inspiration. - -People are also generally prone to suspect artists of jealousy. In order -to escape this accusation, and at the same time preserve the right of -telling their thoughts, they ought to commend warmly what appears to -them good, and criticise with much moderation and without any raillery -what is defective. - -These observations are addressed equally to authors, with this important -addition. Besides the charge of arrogance, people are much disposed to -accuse them of pedantry. Let them therefore be careful, and check -constantly the desire of entering into conversation upon the interesting -subjects with which they are continually occupied. Let them always be in -fear of obtaining the name of a _bel esprit_, a name which calls up so -many recollections of pedantry and affectation. - -A graceful simplicity, a happy mixture of elevation and naïveté, should -characterise authors and artists, but particularly female authors and -artists. Ladies who handle the pen, the lyre, or the pencil, ought to be -well persuaded that any vestige of prejudice raises against them, -especially in provincial places, a multitude of unfavorable -observations. And besides, so many half-instructed women have had so -much the air and manners of upstarts, that this opinion is almost -excusable. Now this prejudice lays it down as a rule, that every female -author or artist may be known at first sight, by her oddities, her want -of modesty, or her pedantic folly. Do away this unjust prejudice, my -female friends: it will be both easy and pleasant; you will have only to -follow the influence of an elevated soul, a pure taste; you will have -but to remind yourselves that simplicity is the coquetry of genius. - -But if people who cultivate literature and the arts ought to apply -themselves without reluctance or ill-humor to all the requirements of -society; if they ought to strip themselves of all pretension, and forget -themselves, others should not forget them. Politeness requires that we -converse with an author concerning his works; that we congratulate him -on his success; that we bestow upon him suitable and delicate praises. -If any of his works are unknown to us, we should ask of him the loan of -it with earnestness; we should read it with promptitude, and prove to -him by our citations that we have a thorough acquaintance with it. If he -makes us a present of any of his productions, we shall owe him a call, -or at least a billet of thanks. Handsome compliments, and lively -testimonials of acknowledgment, ought to fill up this visit or billet. -Remember, also, that to please an artist, it is necessary to flatter at -once his taste, his self-esteem, and his cultivation of the fine arts. -Speak to him therefore like a connoisseur, or at least an admirer of -music, or of painting. Ask the favor of seeing his pictures, or of -hearing his symphonies. Contemplate the former a long time; listen to -the latter with great attention; address to him lively congratulations -mingled with thanks; then, by an adroit transition, put to him questions -which prove your desire to be initiated into a knowledge of the arts. - -When an artist or a writer obtains any honorable distinction, as a -prize, a medal, dramatic success, or an academical title, his friends -and acquaintances should lose no time in offering him their compliments. -Those at a distance, may perform _this duty_ of politeness by writing. - -Not only authors by profession, but literary persons who publish a -discourse, a little work, or a pamphlet, should send, in an envelope, -a copy to their family, friends, professional brethren, authors -who have addressed to them similar presents, to their intimate -acquaintances, their superiors, and to those persons to whom they owe -respect--according to the nature of the work, and to the people with -whom they have relations of pleasure, or of business. It is an -affectionate and very polite custom for the author to write with his -own hand at the top of the first leaf or of the cover, some kind or -respectful words, according to the person to whom it is addressed. These -words, which are designed to make of the gift a remembrance or homage, -are always written under the name of the person, and signed by the -author. We will here speak of a dedication only to observe, that we -cannot dedicate a work to any one, without having previously obtained -his consent, either verbally or by writing. When it is to the king, -queen, or princes, it is necessary to write to their secretary, to know -their wish in this respect. As to any other person of dignity, we may -write to him without any intermediate agency. If the members of the -royal family have accepted the dedication, the author is generally -allowed the honor of presenting his work to them. - - -SECTION VI. - -_Politeness of Military Men._ - -Military politeness has, as we know, some particular characteristics. -Officers and soldiers do not uncover themselves on entering a church, if -they are under arms; only, during the elevation of the host,[10] they -raise the right hand to the front part of their helmet, cap, or -shako.[11] When soldiers converse with their superiors, they constantly -hold the edge of the hand to their forehead. On entering a drawing room, -an officer lays down his sabre or his sword. It is not in good _ton_ for -a man to present himself before ladies, in the uniform of the national -guard, unless some circumstance excuses or authorises this liberty. - -In a citizen's dress, officers may wear a black cravat. - -If we are acquainted with military men, in addressing them, we call them -only _general_, or _captain_; but it would be uncivil to give them the -title of an inferior grade thus we should not say _lieutenant_. - - - [10] This has reference, of course, to Catholic countries only. - - [11] A kind of military cap. - - -SECTION VII. - -_Politeness of Ecclesiastics and Females of Religious Orders; and the -Deference due to them.[12]_ - -A priest should be considered in two points of view; when he is -exercising his holy office, and when he is taking part in the relations -of society. In the first case, he is an object of special respect; and -even the title to be given him, the words to be addressed to him, the -attitude to be taken in speaking to him, are regulated by the liturgy. -But, although the ecclesiastic be not now in society an object of -religious veneration, he has, as the representative of God, or as a -minister of the altar, a right to much respect and deference. Too light -conversation, dancing and love songs, would be out of place in his -presence. - -Ecclesiastics have two shoals to avoid. Their custom of preaching a -severe and sacred morality, and of catechising or censuring with -authority the penitent, gives them sometime a dogmatical and rigid -tone, a pedantry of morality altogether contrary to social affability. -Sometimes, also, to guard against this result, which they feel to be -almost inevitable, ecclesiastics, especially the more aged, indulge -themselves in unsuitable pleasantries, which they would not dare to -allow in men of the world. A mild gravity, a moderate gaiety, a noble -and affectionate urbanity--these are the characteristics which ought to -distinguish the ecclesiastic, in society. - - - [12] These remarks have particular reference to Catholic countries - and forms, but may many of them be applied to other denominations. - - - - -PART II. - -OF PROPRIETY OF DEPORTMENT IN REGARD TO OUR SOCIAL RELATIONS. - - - - -CHAPTER I. - -_Of Deportment in the Street._ - - -Some readers will perhaps be surprised to see me commence a chapter with -the duty we owe to persons passing the street; but if they reflect upon -it, they will see that there are, even on this subject, a sufficient -number of things proper to be mentioned. - -When you are passing in the street, and see coming towards you a person -of your acquaintance, whether a lady, a man raised to dignity, or an -elderly person, you should offer them the _wall_, that is to say, the -side next the houses. - -If a carriage happen to stop in such a manner as to leave only a narrow -passage between it and the houses, beware of elbowing and rudely -crowding the passengers, with a view to getting by more expeditiously: -wait your turn, and if any one of the persons before mentioned comes up, -you should edge up to the wall, in order to give them the place. They -also, as they pass, ought to bow politely to you. - -If stormy weather has made it necessary to lay a plank across the -gutters, which have become suddenly full of water, it is not proper to -crowd before another, in order to pass over the frail bridge. - -Further,--a young man of good breeding should promptly offer his hand to -ladies, even if they are not acquaintances, when they pass such a place. - -You must pay attention to your manner of walking, for fear of throwing -mud around you, and spattering yourself as well as those who accompany -you, or who walk behind you. Any person, particularly a lady, who walks -in this improper manner, whatever her education may be in other -respects, will always appear awkward and clumsy. - -Every one knows that the Parisian ladies are celebrated for their skill -in walking: we see them in white stockings and thin shoes, passing -through long, dirty, and blocked up streets, gliding by careless -persons, and by vehicles crossing each other in every direction, and yet -return home after a walk of several hours, without soiling their clothes -in the least. - -To arrive at this astonishing result, which causes the wonder and -vexation of provincial visitors on their first coming to Paris, we must -be careful to put the foot on the middle of the paving stones, and -never on the edges, for, in that case, one inevitably slips into the -interstice between one pavement and another: we must begin by supporting -the toe, before we do the heel; and even when the mud is quite deep, we -must put down the heel but seldom. When the street becomes less muddy, -we can compensate ourselves for this fatigue, which, however, in the -end, leaves us hardly sensible. - -This manner of walking is strictly necessary when you offer your arm to -any one. When tripping over the pavement, (as the saying is) a lady -should gracefully raise her dress a little above her ancle. With the -right hand she should hold together the folds of her gown, and draw them -towards the right side. To raise the dress on both sides, and with both -hands, is vulgar. This ungraceful practice can be tolerated only for a -moment, when the mud is very deep. - -It is an important thing in the streets of a large city to edge -one's-self along; that is to avoid jostling and being jostled by those -who are passing. A neglect of this attention, will make you appear not -only awkward and ridiculous, but you will receive or give dangerous -blows. One can edge along by turning sideways, contracting his arms, and -watching with his eye the direction which it is best to take in order -not to come in contact with the person who meets him. A little practice -and care will soon make this duty familiar. - -To make our way along, becomes more difficult when we have a packet or -an umbrella to carry, especially if the latter is open. It is then -necessary to lower or raise it, or to turn it on one side. If you -neglect these precautions, you run the risk of striking it against those -who are coming and going, or of seeing it twirled round, and of being -thrown against a carriage, or against some one who will complain -bitterly of your incivility and awkwardness. - -If you have no umbrella, and find yourself overtaken by a sudden shower, -and any person provided with one is going in the same direction, you may -request them to shelter you; they should receive your request with much -politeness, inform themselves of the place where you wish to stop, and -offer to conduct you there, unless it is too much out of the way, or -they be pressed for business; in this case, they should express their -regret at not being able to accompany you so far as you wish. - -What we are now about to say, proves that a person truly polite, will -not wait for you to make this request, but will use every exertion to -anticipate it: we must observe however, whether age, sex, or dress -present no objection; for sometimes one would be treated with ill-humor -and contempt; and if you are a lady, particularly arrived at a certain -age, it would be extremely unpleasant to accost a person, who, on his -part, ought never to offer this favor, nor any other to ladies, and -whose air and immodest manners indicate at once his vulgarity. It would -be equally out of place to address such a request to those of a very low -class; but if such an one asks the favor of you, it is proper to receive -it with politeness. - -Another not uncommon point of propriety to be observed, consists in -asking and pointing out the different streets. If you have occasion for -this service, you speak politely, and say in a kind tone, _Madam_, or -_Sir, where is such a street, if you please?_ You should be careful to -give this title to persons whom you address, even if they should be -porters or hucksters. It is particularly to these that you should have -recourse, for in addressing persons passing by, you are liable to meet -those, who, as well as yourself, are strangers to the neighborhood, or -to hinder those who are busy; it is moreover, impolite, to trouble -shopkeepers in their places of business. The direction being given us, -we should thank them, at the same time bowing. Parisians are justly -celebrated for the politeness and complaisance with which they show the -way to passengers, and you ought to imitate them, every time that -occasion offers. If you are a man, and a lady or distinguished person -asks this favor of you, you should take off your hat while answering -them. - -There are some ill-mannered and malicious persons, who take pleasure in -misleading strangers by wrong directions. It will be enough to mention -such impertinence in order to despise it as we ought. - -As to those young men who entertain a false idea that Parisian ladies -are coquettes or forward in their manners, and besides, that everything -is allowable in a large city, let them be assured that a man who dares -(as often happens) to address improper compliments to ladies, to follow -them, to listen to their conversation, or to finish a sentence which -they have begun, is a model of rudeness, an object of aversion to -ladies, and of contempt to gentlemen. A young man of good manners ought -not to look at a lady too narrowly, or he will pass for an impertinent -fellow, who, as the saying is, stares people full in the face, (_sous le -nez_.) - -It is especially when there are many persons assembled in one place that -these boors play off their rude tricks; to which they give the name -_hoaxes_ for the multitude, at first because they are unperceived, and -afterwards, because the least bad among them think that the crowd are -out of the jurisdiction of propriety. This opinion, which obtains among -some persons, is an error. Politeness becomes still more indispensable, -in proportion to the assemblage. Why are crowds usually so disagreeable, -and even dangerous? It is because they are composed of people without -education, who rudely push against their neighbors, with their fist or -elbow, who neglect to follow the movement of going and coming; who, on -occasion of the slightest collision, raise loud complaints, and, by -their lamentations, their cries, and continual trepidation, render -insupportable a situation which, without this, would be but troublesome -enough. - -When we meet, in the street, a person of our acquaintance, we salute -them by bowing and uncovering ourselves, if there is occasion. Sometimes -it is not enough to give a simple salutation, but we must go to the -person and inquire how they are, if we see them frequently. While we are -speaking, if there is occasion, and it be a lady, or an aged and -respectable man, we remain uncovered: it is for the latter, who see how -troublesome this politeness is in winter, to insist that the person -addressing them should put on his hat. It also belongs to the person who -is the more important of the two, to take leave first. For example, in a -meeting of this kind, a gentleman never leaves a lady until she takes -leave of him; nor is a young lady allowed to leave first a married or -elderly lady. During this interview, which should be very short, the -speaker of least importance ought to take the lower part of the -side-walk, in order to keep the person with whom he is conversing, from -the neighborhood of the carriages. It would be supremely ridiculous to -enter into a long conversation, and thus detain, against their will, the -person accosted. If we have anything urgent to say to them, we may ask -permission to accompany them. We will add, that at Paris, a young man -ought to avoid approaching, and even saluting a young lady of his -acquaintance, out of regard to the natural timidity of her sex. - -If there is a stranger with the one whom we meet, we must be contented -with saluting the latter without stopping, otherwise we put his -companion in a disagreeable position. This civility becomes a rigorous -duty if they are accompanied by a lady. Ancient gallantry required that -in this last case, we not only should not stop, but still more, that we -should not salute an acquaintance, or friend who may pass; this is in -order not to force her companion to salute an unknown person (for one -should bow every time that the person bows with whom we are;) but this -custom may be modified. If it is a friend, or young man, one may be -content with making merely a motion; but if it be an elderly man, a -distinguished character, or a lady, it is necessary to salute them, -saying to the companion: _I take the liberty to salute Mr. or Madam N._ - -If a person of your acquaintance is at a window, and you are thought to -perceive them, you ought to address a salutation to them. But it is -necessary to avoid speaking to them from the street, or of making signs -to them, for this is a custom of bad _ton_. - -To enter into a long conversation with common and low people, who make -their door-step their parlor, is to be almost as ill bred as they -themselves are. - - - - -CHAPTER II. - -_Of different Kinds of Visits._ - - -Visits are a very important part of the social relations; they are not -merely the simple means of communication established by necessity, since -they have at once for their object, duty and pleasure, and they enter -into almost all the acts of life. - -There are many kinds of visits, but we shall confine ourselves to the -principal ones; as for those which only occur under peculiar -circumstances, the reader will find them mentioned in the course of this -work. The first are the visits on new year's day; next, visits of -friendship and of ceremony: we shall not speak of visits of business; -what we have said in speaking of propriety in relation to different -professions, will dispense with our entering into new details. - -At the return of each new year, custom and duty require us to present -ourselves to our relations first; afterwards to our patrons, our -friends, and those who have done any kindness for us. - -These visits are divided into several classes; those of the evening or -afternoon, which are the most polite; of the morning, which are the -most friendly and respectful; by cards, and presenting one's-self, and -by cards without presenting one's-self; visits weekly, which are -confined to acquaintances with whom we have not very close relations; -monthly, which are less ceremonious, but however partake of coldness: it -is at Paris more than any other place, that these visits are permitted; -such calls demand much attention to the toilet; they should be as short -as possible; a visit of quarter of an hour is long enough, and we should -be careful to retire when other persons come in. - -We should appear ridiculous to wish persons _a happy new year_, in -ceremonious visits. - -I shall not mention friendly calls, except to remind my readers, that -almost all ceremony should be dispensed with. They are made at all -hours, without preparation, without dressing; a too brilliant attire -would be out of place, and if the engagements of the day carry you in -such a costume at the house of a friend, you ought obligingly to make an -explanation. Should you not find them at home, do not leave a card; such -useless ceremony would astonish your friends. Merely remind the -domestics to mention your calling, and do not leave your card, except -the servants are absent; then the card should be rolled up, and put in -the key-hole. It will be well to call again soon. - -With a friend, or relation whom we treat as such, we do not keep an -account of our visits. The one who has most leisure, calls upon him who -has the least; but this privilege ought not to be abused: it is -necessary to make our visits of friendship at suitable times. - -On the contrary, a visit of ceremony should never be made without -keeping an account of it, and we should even remember the intervals at -which they are returned; for it is indispensably necessary to let a -similar interval elapse. People in this way give you notice whether they -wish to see you often or seldom. There are some persons whom one goes to -see once in a month, others once a fortnight, &c.; others, however, less -frequently. In order not to omit visits, which are to be made, or to -avoid making them from misinformation, when a preceding one has not been -returned, persons who have an extensive acquaintance, will do well to -keep a little memorandum for this purpose. - -We cannot make ceremonious visits in a becoming manner, if we have any -slight indisposition which may for the time affect our appearance, our -voice--which may embarrass our thoughts, and render our company -fatiguing; such for instance as a swelled face, a cold, a slight -headache; in that case it would appear impolite and familiar. On the -contrary, make visits of friendship under such circumstances, and then -you will appear more amiable and zealous. - -To take a suitable time, is as indispensable in visiting, as in any -thing else. - -One can attain this, by remembering the habits of the person he is going -to see; by making your arrangements so as not to call at the time of -taking meals, in moments of occupation, and when our friends are -walking. This time necessarily varies; but as a general rule we must -take care not to make ceremonious visits, either before the middle of -the day, or after five o'clock. To do otherwise would, on the one hand, -look like importunity, by presenting one's-self too early; and on the -other, might interfere with arrangements that had been made for the -evening. - -After making one's toilet with care, visiters should furnish themselves -with cards, that is with small pieces of card or pasteboard, upon which -their name is printed or well written. Gentlemen ought simply to put -their cards in their pocket, but ladies may carry them in a small -elegant portfolio, called a _card case_. This they can hold in their -hand, and it will contribute essentially (with an elegant handkerchief -of embroidered battise,) to give them an air of good taste. - -We shall here make a digression in relation to cards. It was not -considered impolite, formerly, to take the cards of a cast off pack, cut -them crosswise into three parts, and write one's name upon them; this, -however, is now a subject of ridicule, and is only seen in provincial -towns, where they sometimes also substitute for these cards small pieces -of thick paper. Next to these cards come those made of thin pasteboard, -smooth, gilt-edged, watered, and intended to have the name in writing. -These are suitable for young gentlemen and young ladies; and they answer -for half ceremonious visits. After these, come lithographic cards, then -printed ones, and last those which are engraved. Some cards are figured -in a rich manner, presenting every degree of expensive elegance. Every -one will choose these according to his taste; but it is well to observe -that cards ornamented with borders, and those of the color of the rose, -and sky blue, are not suitable for men, nor for ladies of mature years, -because they have an air of over-nicety. - -The title is usually placed under the name, and, in large cities, the -address, at the bottom of the card and in smaller letters. Mourning -cards are surmounted with a black margin, half mourning ones are of a -bright gray. - -It is bad _ton_ to keep the cards you have received around the frame of -a looking glass; such an exposure shows that you wish to make a display -of the names of distinguished visiters. At the beginning of a new year, -or when from some cause or other which multiplies visiters at your -house, (such as a funeral or a marriage,) you are obliged to return -these numerous calls, it is not amiss to preserve the cards in a -convenient place, and save yourself the trouble of writing a list; but -if, during the year, your glass is always seen bristling with -smoke-dried cards, it will be attributed without doubt, to an -ill-regulated self-esteem. But let us return to our visiters. - -If the call is made in a carriage, the servant will ask if the lady you -wish to see is at home. If persons call in a hired carriage, or on foot, -they go themselves to ask the servants. Servants are considered as -soldiers on duty; if they reply that the person has gone out, we should -by no means urge the point, even if we were certain it was not the case; -and if by chance we should see the person, we should appear not to have -noticed it, but leave our card and retire. When the servant informs us -that the lady or gentleman is unwell, engaged in business, or dining, we -must act in a similar manner. - -We should leave as many cards as there are persons we wish to see in the -house; for example, one for the husband, another for his wife, another -for the aunt, &c. When admitted, we should lay aside our over-shoes, -umbrella, cloak, &c. in the ante-chamber, even ladies should lay aside -their cloaks in the houses of distinguished persons. In the provincial -towns they commonly keep them on. We then are announced by the servant, -if it is the custom of the house, or at least we wait until (without -announcing us,) he opens the door of the apartment. - -In case of the absence of the servants, you ought not to enter -immediately, but knock gently with the finger, and wait until some one -opens the door or bids you come in. If he does neither, you open the -door slowly and softly: should you find no one, do not go about and open -other doors, or pass into an inner room, but retrace your steps -immediately, return to the ante-room, and remain until some one comes to -give you an introduction. If you are obliged to stay very long, you can -leave your card on a piece of furniture or with the porter. This is a -case of rare occurrence; but it is well to provide for it, in order not -to be taken unawares. When admitted, a gentleman presents himself with -his hat in his hand, and advancing towards the lady, salutes her -gracefully and respectfully. As soon as he observes the lady is looking -for a seat to offer him, he must lose no time in providing one for -himself (commonly a chair) this he places towards the door by which he -entered, and at some distance from the lady, to whom he should leave the -upper part of the room. He ought by no means to sit, except she is -seated; and holding his hat upon his knee must not balance himself or -sink down in his chair, but preserve an easy, polite and becoming -attitude. It would be familiar and bad _ton_ to put down the hat or -cane, before the gentleman, and particularly the lady of the house, has -invited you to do it. Even then it is proper to refuse, and not to do it -until asked two or three times. In putting down the hat, we should not -do it carelessly, nor ought we to place it on a couch, for this is -impolite. The couch, which in ancient times was regarded as a sanctuary, -ought neither to be touched nor approached by a man. It is best to put -the hat on a bracket or chandelier stand, &c. The lady of a house does -not attempt to take the hats of gentlemen, except she wishes to treat -them with familiarity, and this is seldom done in calls of pure -ceremony. - -These remarks will apply also to ladies. Within fifteen years past it -has been their custom to lay aside their hats and shawls; but that -supposes an intimacy, which would authorize their abstaining from it at -the houses of those with whom they are not much acquainted; and, if they -are invited to lay them aside, they should refuse. The short time -devoted to a ceremonious visit, the necessity of consulting a glass in -replacing the head-dress, and of being assisted in putting on the shawl, -prevent ladies from accepting the invitation to lay them aside. If they -are slightly familiar with the person they are visiting, and wish to be -more at ease, they should ask permission, which we should grant them, at -the same time rising to assist them in taking off their hat and shawl. -An arm-chair, or a piece of furniture at a distant part of the room -should receive these articles; they should not be placed upon the couch, -without the mistress of the house puts them there. At the house of a -person we visit habitually, we can lay them aside without saying a word, -and a lady can even adjust her hair and handkerchief, (ficher) before -the glass, provided she occupies only a few moments in doing it. - -If the person you call upon is preparing to go out, or to sit down at -table, you ought, although he asks you to remain, to retire as soon as -possible. The person visited so unseasonably, should, on her part, be -careful to conceal her knowledge that the other wishes the visit ended -quickly. We should always appear delighted to receive a visiter, and -should he make a short visit, we must express to him our regret. -Ceremonious visits should be short; if the conversation ceases without -being again continued by the person you have come to see, if she gets up -from her seat under any pretext whatever, custom requires you to make -your salutation and withdraw. - -If, before this tacit invitation to retire, other visiters are -announced, you should adroitly leave them without saying anything. In -case the master of the house, in waiting upon you to the door, should -ask you to remain longer, you should briefly reply to him, that an -indispensable engagement calls you, and you must entreat him with -earnestness not to detain you. You should terminate your visit by -briskly shutting the door. - -If, on entering the room, you find strangers engaged in conversation, -content yourself with the few words which the master or mistress of the -house shall address to you; stop only a few moments, make a general -salutation, and conduct yourself as in the preceding case. When you have -happened to meet the strangers elsewhere, they may unite sometimes with -the person you are visiting, to prevent your taking leave; reply in a -polite and flattering manner, but still persist in retiring. If while -you are present, a letter is brought to the person you are visiting, and -she should lay it down without opening it, you must entreat her to read -it; she will not do it, and this circumstance will warn you to shorten -your visit. - -When you make a half ceremonious call, and the person you are visiting, -insists upon your stopping, it is proper to do so, but after a few -minutes you should rise to go: if you are urged still further, and are -taken by the hands and made to sit down as it were by force, to leave -immediately would be impolite, but nevertheless you must, after a short -interval, get up a third time, and then certainly retire. If, during -your call, a member of the family enters the room, you need not on this -account take leave, but content yourself by rising, and saluting the -person. If a lady, you must not seat yourself until she sits down; if a -gentleman, you can yield to the invitation made you to take your seat, -while the other remains standing. If you make a visit with others, there -are some points to be observed in relation to your companions. In going -up the staircase, it is rigorously the custom to give precedence to -those to whom you owe respect, and to yield to such persons the most -convenient part of the stairs, which is that next the wall. Above all, -do not forget this last caution if you accompany a lady; and a well-bred -gentleman, at such a time, should offer his arm. When there are many -persons, he should bestow this mark of respect on the oldest. If you -meet any one on the staircase, place yourself on the side opposite to -the one he occupies. It would be vexatious and out of place to make an -everlasting ceremony as to who should be announced first; the preference -must be given to ladies; next to them, to age and rank. The time of -taking leave should be also determined by ladies, or by aged persons, -and those who are of consequence. It would be impolite to wish to retire -before they gave the signal. We should add, that it is unsuitable for -more than three or four to visit together. Persons of high ton are -accompanied even to the ante-room by one or two servants, who receive -them again when going out. - -To carry children or dogs with one on a visit of ceremony, is altogether -vulgar and provincial. Even in half-ceremonious visits, it is necessary -to leave one's dog in the ante-room, as well as the nurse who holds the -infant, for this circumstance alone excuses such a suite. As to animals, -it is a thousand times better not to have them at all. - -We justly reproach inhabitants of the province for lavishing salutations -in meeting people, or in taking leave of them. This custom, which may -make us contract a reservedness or too much familiarity, is extremely -ridiculous. Is it not difficult to keep one's countenance, when we see a -visiter salute every article of furniture, to turn and turn again -twenty times as you conduct him, and pour forth at every pause a volley -of salutations and adieus? Our readers will beware of this over -politeness; they will salute the first time, at the moment they take -leave, and again, when the person who conducts them back shall have -stopped at the door. We have before said that when we do not find -persons at home, or when we are afraid of disturbing them, we leave a -card; but this is not what we call particularly _visits by card_ -(_visites par cartes_). In these last visits, it is not our object to -see the persons, since we do not ask for them, and we confine ourselves -to giving our card to the porter or domestic. This custom, which has -been introduced necessarily among persons of very general acquaintance, -and especially at times when every one ought to be visited, as on the -new-year's day,--this custom so far is not ridiculous, but it becomes so -by the great extent which has been given to it for some time past. This -extent consists in making a visit without leaving our apartment; that is -to say, merely by sending our card by a domestic, or indeed by means of -an agency established for this purpose. The practice of visits by cards, -seems to persons of good society the most impertinent and vulgar thing -which can be imagined. Do not then permit it, except when the question -is about returning visits made in this way; and do not use such -retaliations, except to prevent these ill-advised visiters from thinking -that you put yourself out to oblige them. - -In works devoted to the instruction of the laws of propriety, we think -only of fortune and affluence; we entirely forget people of a more -modest condition, and when we find ourselves in connexion with them, we -cry out against their impoliteness. It is an injustice, and in my -opinion, a false calculation. An injustice, because true politeness -pertains less to rank, than to uprightness and goodness of heart; a -false calculation, for to refuse to initiate people into what renders -the social relations easy and agreeable, is to prepare for ourselves -collision and vexation, and to retard as much as is in our power, the -practice of the forms of civilization. - -Despising then this foolish disdain, we shall applaud the great care of -persons not in affluence, who, having neither porter nor domestic, place -at their door a slate furnished with a pencil, that in their absence -visiters may write their names; for these visiters are seldom such as -carry cards. We shall applaud the benevolent care of persons whose -staircase is not lighted, or whose apartment is in the upper stories, -and who leave with the porter a candle which every one who arrives, -takes, in order to ascend, and returns it again on descending. If any -of our rich readers should be tempted to smile at the announcement of -these precautions of the more humble citizens, we would remind them that -they are entirely strangers to the spirit of politeness, of which these -precautions are a striking example. - -This digression naturally leads us to the second part of our task -relative to visits, concerning the duties which politeness imposes as to -receiving them, for it is not less important to receive people well, -than to present ourselves well to them. - -Before passing to this important subject, it would seem my duty to -finish what remains for me to say concerning visits, by the mention of -visits of audience, of congratulation, of condolence, and of repast; but -except the first, to which I am going to devote a few words, details of -all the others will be found in the chapters devoted to conversation, to -formalities of repasts, of mourning, &c. - -We should not merely call upon ministers, heads of the public -administration, and very distinguished persons; we must beforehand -request of them by writing a place of meeting and must specify the -object of our visit. We must call upon them at the appointed hour; we -must abstain from inquiring after their health, and observe strictly the -obligations of decorum. These visits, which are the acme of ceremony, -ought necessarily to be very short. - -We shall see, in the chapter on _Epistolary Propriety_, what titles are -proper to be given to these important personages. It is well to be -furnished with a letter of admission, that in case of necessity we may -show it to the servant. - - - - -CHAPTER III. - -_Of the Manner of Receiving Visitors._ - - -To receive visitors with ease and elegance, and in such a manner that -everything in you, and about you, shall partake of propriety and grace, -to endeavor that people may always be satisfied when they leave you, and -desirous to come again,--such are the obligations of the master, and -especially of the mistress of a house. - -Everything in the house, ought, as far as possible, to offer English -_comfort_, and French grace. Perfect order, exquisite neatness and -elegance which easily dispenses with being sumptuous, ought to mark the -entrance of the house, the furniture and the dress of the lady. - -In a house where affluence abounds, it is indispensable to have a -drawing-room, for it is troublesome and in bad _ton_ to receive visits -in a lodging-room, at one's own dwelling. This may indeed do for a mere -call; but it becomes almost ridiculous when, after dinner, it is -necessary to pass into this room to take coffee, if you are receiving a -small company, &c. This custom is not any longer adopted, except in the -provincial towns and among persons who do not pride themselves on their -good _ton_. - -To receive company in a dining-room, is not allowed except among those -persons who cannot bear the expense of furnishing a parlor or -drawing-room. Simplicity, admitted into an apartment of this kind, -suited to the smallness of their means, we cannot but approve, while we -regret nevertheless, the disagreeable things to which such a residence -subjects them. But we have, in this respect, an express warning to make -to people who give themselves up to it unnecessarily, for it is -altogether opposed to the received usages of good society to put -yourselves in a situation which you cannot adorn, where you cannot place -arm-chairs, a chimney-piece, a glass, a clock, and all things useful to -persons who come to see you; where you are exposed to receiving twenty -visits during dinner; of seeing as many interruptions during the setting -of your table, since it is impossible to spread the cloth while -strangers remain; finally, of making them witnesses of your domestic -cares while removing the remains of a repast, the table-cloth, -dishes, &c. - -Young mothers of families who wish to have with them their children, -(troublesome guests, in a drawing-room, as every one knows,) think that -they may remain in the dining-room, and have strangers conducted into -an adjacent apartment. That this may not be inconvenient, it is -necessary to observe three things; first, that strangers be admitted -into this apartment before seeing the mistress of the house, because -they would not fail to create difficulties, by saying that they did not -wish to disturb her; second, that the apartment be constantly warmed in -winter; third, that in summer it should be furnished precisely as an -occupied chamber, for nothing is worse than to conduct people into a -room which seems to be to let. - -Unless from absolute inability, you ought to light your staircase. If -the practices of good domestic economy regulated by the cares of -civilization, were more generally extended, a staircase not lighted -would not often be found. - -After having thus cast a rapid glance into the interior of the house, -let us see in what manner it is necessary to receive visitors. - -When we see any one enter, whether announced or not, we rise -immediately, advance toward them, request them to sit down, avoiding -however the old form of, '_Take the trouble to be seated_.' If it is a -young man, we offer him an arm-chair, or a stuffed one; if an elderly -man, we insist upon his accepting the arm-chair; if a lady, we beg her -to be seated upon the ottoman. If the master of the house receives the -visitors, he will take a chair and place himself at a little distance -from them; if, on the contrary, it is the mistress of the house, and if -she is intimate with the lady who visits her, she will place herself -near her. If several ladies come at a time, we give this last place to -the one most distinguished by rank. In winter, the most honorable places -are those at the corner of the fire-place; in proportion as they place -you in front of the fire, your seat is considered inferior in rank. -Moreover, when it happens to be a respectable married lady, and one to -whom we wish to do honor, we take her by the hand and conduct her to the -corner of the fire-place. If this place is occupied by a young lady, she -ought to rise and offer her seat to the other lady, taking for herself a -chair in the middle of the circle. - -A mistress of a house ought to watch anxiously that they experience no -restraint before her; consequently, she will take care to present -screens to the ladies seated in front of the fire; she will move under -their feet tabourets, or what is better, pads, (coussins) but never -foot-stoves. If she is alone with an intimate acquaintance, she will -request her to take hers, but she will never extend this politeness to a -gentleman. - -If a door or window happens to be open in the room in summer time, we -should ask of visitors, if it incommodes them. - -If a lady who receives a half ceremonious visit is sewing, she ought to -leave off immediately, and not resume it except at the request of the -visitor. If they are on quite intimate terms, she ought herself to -request permission to continue. If a person visits in an entirely -ceremonious way, it would be very impolite to work even an instant. -Moreover, even with friends, we should hardly be occupied with our work, -but should seem to forget it on their account. - -In proportion as the visitor is a stranger, the master or mistress of -the house rises, and any persons who may be already there are obliged to -do the same. Some of them then withdraw; in this case, if the master and -the mistress of the house have with them any persons of their family, -after having conducted as far as the door those who are going, they -request one of their relations to take their place. If the case be -otherwise, it is necessary to choose between the persons who remain and -those who retire. If the latter are superior in rank, age or -consideration, we must give them the preference, and _vice versa_. But -however respectable the person be who departs, we may dispense with -conducting them farther than the door of the room. - -The manner in which we should usually re-conduct visitors is regulated -in an invariable manner. If it is a lady who is to be accompanied, the -master of the house takes her hand, passes it under his arm, and thus -leads her as far as the bottom of the staircase, unless the steps be so -narrow that two cannot go abreast. It is no longer the custom to give -the hand to ladies, but to offer them the arm. This new custom does not -at all change the ancient rule of propriety which requires that in -descending a staircase, we should give the side next the wall to the -lady whom we accompany; we commonly present to her the right arm, -provided however, that necessity does not oblige us, in order to avoid -placing her next the balustrade, to offer the left. If she is to return -in a carriage, we should politely hand her into it. - -In the provincial towns, they conduct all or almost all visitors, as far -as the street door, unless they are gentlemen and have visited a lady. -She ought then to accompany them, as is always done in Paris, that is to -say, as far as the door of the room, or the head of the stairs. -Parisians add to this custom an agreeable civility; they hold the door -open, and standing upon the threshold or edge of the staircase, follow -with their eyes the visitor until he turns round to make the last -salutation or adieu, or to request the host to return. - -We no longer practice that frank and open hospitality of the provinces, -by virtue of which, in the middle of winter, we request people to -_refresh_ themselves with some solid eatables. Such a proposal would now -excite a smile. We do not make any such offer to visitors, but under -these circumstances. First, during very hot weather, we invite them to -take a glass of syrup, or of iced water. Second, if any one is reading, -we offer him _eau sucrée_, that is, the little household article to -which we have given that name. Third, we offer orange flower water to a -lady who happens to be suddenly indisposed. Excepting these cases, we -make no offer of this kind. If any one wishes to refresh himself, he -requests the mistress of the house to allow him to ring the bell. After -assent is given, he asks of the domestic who comes, whatever he -desires. - - - - -CHAPTER IV. - -_Of the Carriage of the Body._ - - -The carriage of the body seems so simple, so common, and so easy a -thing, that undoubtedly on seeing this title, many readers will think I -design to send them back to _puerile_ and _plain civility_. But if they -will take the pains to reflect upon the numberless violations of -propriety in the carriage of the body, of which they are daily -witnesses; if they will call to the mind the many strange motions, -ridiculous gestures, pretending attitudes, affected looks, and clownish -movements; if they will recollect that the carriage of the body ought to -be in perfect harmony with the situation, age, mind and sex, and a -distinguishing trait of the physiognomy; if they will consider the -unfavorable prejudices to which a disdainful, immodest, or vulgar -deportment give rise, they will understand my anxiety in this respect. - -It is without doubt impossible to notice all faults in the carriage of -the body. This volume would not be sufficient for it; we must be -satisfied therefore with designating the principal ones. - -To look steadily at any one, especially if you are a lady and are -speaking to a gentleman; to turn the head frequently on one side and the -other during conversation; to balance yourself upon your chair; to bend -forward; to strike your hands upon your knees; to hold one of your knees -between your hands locked together; to cross your legs; to extend your -feet on the andirons; to admire yourself with complacency in a glass; to -adjust in an affected manner your cravat, hair, dress, handkerchief; to -remain without gloves; to fold carefully your shawl, instead of throwing -it with graceful negligence upon a table, &c.; to fret about a hat which -you have just left off; to laugh immoderately; to place your hand upon -the person with whom you are conversing; to take him by the buttons, the -collar of his coat, the cuffs, the waist, &c.; to seize ladies by the -waist, or to touch their person; to roll the eyes, or to raise them with -affectation; to take snuff from the box of your neighbor, or to offer it -to strangers, especially to ladies; to play continually with the seals -of your watch, a chain, or a fan; to beat time with the feet and hands; -to whirl round a chair on one leg; to shake with your feet the chair of -your neighbor; to stroke your face; rub your hands continually; wink -your eyes; shrug up your shoulders; stamp with your feet, &c.;--all -these bad habits, of which we ought never to speak to people, among -those who are witnesses of them, and are in the highest degree -displeasing. - -The carriage of the body is as expressive as the tone of voice, and -perhaps more so, because it is more constant; it betrays to the observer -all the shades of character, and we ought to be very careful of thus -making a general confession, by affected manners, a pretending -deportment, sneering ways, rough movements, a hard countenance, -impertinent signs and looks, simpering smiles, clownish gestures, a -nonchalant and effeminate posture, or a carriage of the body -distinguished by prudery and stiffness. - -Young ladies, and very young men little habituated to the world, ought -to be on their guard against excessive timidity, for it not only -paralyzes their powers, renders them awkward, and gives them an almost -silly air, but it may even cause them to be accused of pride, among -people who do not know that embarrassment frequently takes the form of -superciliousness. How often does it happen that timid persons do not -salute you at all, answer in a low voice, or very ill, omit a thousand -little duties of society, and fail in a numberless agreeable attentions, -for want of courage? These attentions, and these duties, they discharge -in _petto_, but who will thank them for it? A proper degree of -confidence, but not degenerating into assurance, still less into -boldness or familiarity, is then one of the most desirable qualities in -the world. To obtain which, we most observe the _ton_, and the manners -of polite and benevolent people, take them for our guides, and, under -their direction, make continual efforts to conquer our timidity. - -Propriety in the carriage of the body is especially indispensable to -ladies. It is by this that, in a walk, a ball, or any assembly, people -who cannot converse with them, judge of their merit and their good -education. How many dancers move off, and how many persons sigh with -pity, at the sight of a beautiful woman who has a mincing way, affects -grace, inclines her head affectedly, and who seems to admire herself -incessantly, and to invite others to admire her also. Who ever makes up -his mind to enter into conversation with an immovable lady, and one who -is formal and precise, lengthening out the body, pressing the lips, and -carrying back the elbows as if they were fastened to her side? - -The gait of a lady ought neither to be too quick nor too slow; the most -easy and most convenient step is that which fatigues the least and -pleases most. The body and the head should be erect without affectation -and without haughtiness; the movements, especially those of the arms, -easy and natural. The countenance should be pleasant and modest. - -It is not in good _ton_ for a lady to speak too quick or too loud. When -seated, she ought neither to cross her legs, nor take a vulgar attitude. -She should occupy her chair entirely, and appear neither too restless, -nor too immovable. It is altogether out of place for her to throw her -drapery around her in sitting down, or to spread out her dress for -display, as upstarts do in order to avoid the least rumple. - -But what is especially insupportable in this sex is, an inquiet, bold, -and imperious air; for it is unnatural, and not allowable in any case. -If a lady has cares, let her conceal them from the world, or not go into -it. Whatever be her merit, let her not forget that she may be a man by -the superiority of her mind and decision of character, but that -externally she ought to be a woman! She ought to present herself as a -being made to please, to love, and to seek a support; a being inferior -to man, and near to angels. An affectionate, complying, and almost timid -aspect, a tender solicitude for those who are about her, should be shown -in her whole person. Her face should breathe hope, gentleness and -satisfaction; dejection, anxiety, and ill-humor should be constantly -banished. - -Before leaving a subject so fruitful, I shall point out to my readers -two examples of a bad position. The one is a _fashionable_ with his head -stiff, a borrowed air, his leg strained out, trembling lest he should -disarrange the symmetry of his cravat, and lest he should pucker his -pantaloons, his sleeve or the collar of his coat. - -The other is an awkward person, with his feet drawn together and placed -upon the round of the chair, his hands spread out upon his knees, his -shoulders sunk, and his mouth half open. Between these two caricatures -there are many degrees which are ridiculous, but which we leave to the -sagacity of our readers to appreciate. We come now to our instructions -in respect to conversation. They are so important, that we think it our -duty to divide them into two parts, namely; physical proprieties, and -moral proprieties. - - - - -CHAPTER V. - -_Of Physical Proprieties in Conversation._ - - -This first division will comprehend the physical care of the organs we -use in conversation, our movements, the manner of listening, -pronunciation, and purity of speech in a grammatical view. - - -SECTION I. - -_Physical Observances in Conversation._ - -Conversation is the principal, not to say the only means of pleasing, -and making our way in the world. How does it happen then, that so many -persons converse, without being troubled at the ridicule thrown upon -themselves, and the _ennui_ they occasion their hearers; without going -into the inquiry, whether they have not some physical qualities which -present more or less obstacles to the art of conversing well, or without -thinking of the means of correcting them! - -We shall point out some faults and the means of remedying them. It is -essential in speaking, to be well on our guard not to protrude the -tongue too near the edge of the lips. This bad habit has many great -inconveniences: it occasions a kind of disagreeable hissing, produced by -the immediate contact of this organ as it passes the teeth; and exposes -us to throw out saliva.[13] When an unfortunate habit or too great a -development of the tongue produces these accidents, we should take care -to keep this unlucky organ out of the way on one side of the gums or the -other. As to the fault which is opposite to this, that is, stammering, -by reason of too small size of the tongue, we should practice when we -are alone speaking distinctly. To declaim and to exercise ourselves upon -the words which present the greatest difficulties, is a useful exercise. - -There are some persons in whom the saliva is so abundant, that it makes -their pronunciation thick; such persons should accustom themselves to -swallow it before beginning to speak. - -Politeness in accordance with health, requires that our teeth should be -perfectly clean. A yellow and foul set of teeth, which emit an odor, -will not suffer any one to be sensible to our grace or the eloquence of -our language. Feelings of disgust are without appeal. - -Some persons who have fine teeth, have the lamentable fault of showing -them in speaking; this ridiculous vanity excites laughter, and besides, -injures the physiognomy: it is not necessary to conceal the teeth to the -utmost, but always without affectation. To use a tooth-pick while -speaking, to carry the fingers to the gums, to hold a flower between the -teeth, are habits of bad _ton_. - -To open the mouth widely when one speaks, especially when making an -exclamation of wonder or surprise; to draw the mouth on one side to give -ourselves the air of an original; to contract it, in order to make it -small; to laugh violently in an unmeaning and boisterous manner; to -impart to the lips, trembling and convulsive motions when any one -relates or reads something sad or terrible; to force our breath into the -face of the person we are conversing with--all these are shocking -faults, and insupportable grimaces. - - - [13] When this accident happens to any one, you must appear not to - perceive it. - - -SECTION II. - -_Of Gestures._ - -To act a pantomine with every word, cannot be tolerated; extended or -numerous gestures, which do not accord with the conversation; mysterious -signs accompanying the announcement of the most simple thing; abrupt -gestures, in friendly conversation; mincing gestures, in serious -conversation; rapid movements of the person, sitting or standing, and -who seems to be performing a sort of a dance--all these are equally -great faults against propriety and good taste. - -We should not absolutely condemn gestures, which, according to the Abbé -Delille, give physiognomy to our conversation. Moderate action -corresponding to our words, and by turns a little comic, lively, and -graceful, are allowable, and even indispensable. The left hand must not -move, but a significant and exact co-operation of the right hand, should -never be wanting in conversation: but I must censure dialogists, who put -their hand into their pockets or work-bags, who always rest them joined -or crossed, without making any gesture. Such persons give themselves the -air of automatons, while, on the other hand, excessive gesticulators, -have the appearance of madmen. - -Those persons who in conversing, violently seize hold of the arm of -their chair; play with little objects which come under their hands; who -amuse themselves by scratching or defacing furniture, turning their hat -backwards and forwards, twisting and untwisting the strings of their -bag, or the ends of their cravat, are, without doubt, ignorant how much -opposed to politeness, are these degrees of familiarity, childishness -and embarrassment. I will briefly add, that those who are witnesses of -all these ridiculous actions, ought never to notice them, unless they -wish to be still more ridiculous themselves. - - -SECTION III. - -_Of the Talent of Listening to Others._ - -To converse, is not to talk continually, as prattlers suppose; it is to -listen and speak in our turn; we must not acquit ourselves the less well -in the one than in the other. To do this, we should attend half of the -time to the person who is addressing us, (on this account it is impolite -to do any work while talking;) if they hesitate or are embarrassed, you -should appear not to notice it, and in case you are a little acquainted, -after a few moments, you should, in a very modest manner, supply the -word which seems to have escaped them. If they are interrupted by any -incident, when the cause of the interruption shall have ceased, you will -not wait until they resume the conversation, but with a smile of -benevolence, and an engaging gesture, request them to proceed; _please -to continue; you were just saying?_--If we are obliged in this manner, -to palliate any such interruption, much more, ought we never to allow -ourselves to be the cause of it. This is so rigorous a rule, that if, -in the warmth of conversation, two persons commence speaking at once, -both ought to stop immediately, when they perceive it, and each, while -excusing themselves, to decline proceeding. It is proper for the one -worthy of the most respect to resume the conversation. - -If a person shall relate anything to you, who, without having any -pleasantry, makes attempts at it; and without being affecting, endeavors -to move you, however wearied you may be, appear pleased and assume an -air of interest. If the narrator wanders into long digressions, have -patience to let him extricate himself alone from the labyrinth of his -story. If the history is interminable, be resigned, and do not appear -less attentive. This condescension is especially to be observed, if you -are listening to an elderly or respectable person. If the merciless -story-teller is your equal or friend, you may say to him, in order to -induce him to finish his narration, _and finally_-- - -Novices in the customs of the world, think they can abruptly interrupt a -conversation which is begun, by asking to have some incidents, which -they have not understood, explained, or by making the person who is -telling the story repeat the names; this should not be done until after -some consideration, and in the most polite manner. If the narrator -pronounces badly; if you see that other hearers are in the same -situation as yourself; if you foresee that for want of having followed -him in his narration, you will not be able to reply with politeness, you -can in this case, interrupt; but in some such manner as this; _I ask -your pardon, Sir, I fear I have lost some part of your interesting -conversation, will you be kind enough to repeat it_, &c. It is necessary -also, to choose a favorable moment, as for instance, when the narrator -pauses, hesitates for a word, or stops to take his handkerchief. - -When a person relates to you a plain falsehood, the art of listening -becomes embarrassing, for if you seem to believe it, you would pass for -a fool, and if you appear to doubt it, you will pass for an uncivil -person. An air of coldness, a slight attention, an expression like the -following, _That is astonishing_, will extricate you honorably from your -embarrassment; but when an event is narrated which is only -extraordinary, or not improbable, your manner should be otherwise. Your -countenance should express astonishment, and you should reply by a -phrase of this kind; _If I did not know your strict regard for the -truth, or if any person but you had told me this, I should have hardly -believed it._ Under no circumstances should you interrupt him. - -It happens sometimes that you foresee some incident in an interesting -story; and the pleasure that you find in this; the desire of showing -that you have guessed correctly, and the intention of proving how much -you are interested, induce you to interrupt suddenly in this manner, _I -see it, it is so, exactly_. An interruption of this kind, although well -meant and natural, will offend old persons, who like to tell a story at -full length, and will confound formal narrators, who will be in despair -that a phrase is taken from them which they had intended for effect; -these interruptions are only allowable among our intimate friends, or -inferiors, for otherwise you will have an ill-humored answer to your _I -see it_, &c. as with a triumphant air, _egad, but you can't see it_, &c. -which is always embarrassing. - -The worst kind of interruption of all others, is that which hauteur -dictates. A clever person seizing hold of a story which another is -telling, and with the intention of making it more lively, becomes, -notwithstanding his eloquence, a model of impertinence and vulgarity. - -It is, doubtless, hard to see a fool spoil a good anecdote, of which he -might have made something interesting; but if we should not be -restrained by politeness from expressing our feelings, we ought to be by -interest. Now hearers of delicacy will remain silent to the conclusion -of the recital, and will address themselves with good feelings to the -poor narrator who is injured in his rights. - -Interruption is pardonable if it is made to prove or clear up a fact in -favor of a person who is absent. When they accuse you, you can, -according to strict rules, interrupt by an exclamation, but it is better -to do it by a gesture. - -There is often much art and grace in listening, while you gesticulate -gently; for example, by counting upon the fingers; by making a gesture -of surprise; by a motion of assent, or an exclamation. This is a tacit -manner of saying, _ah, I recollect, you are right_, and charms the -narrator without interrupting him. - -In a lively, animated and friendly dialogue, we can interrupt each other -by turns, in order to finish a sentence which is begun, or to improve an -epithet; this contributes to vivacity in discourse, but it ought not, -however, to be too often repeated. - -There are many shoals to be avoided in listening, and which always -betray inexperience in society. To say from time to time to the -narrator, _Yes, yes_, by nodding the head, making motions with the hand, -a custom of old persons, and which is a good representation of a -pendulum; to keep the eyes fixed and the mouth gaping open; to have an -air of an absent person or of one in a reverie; to point the finger at -persons designated by the narrator; to gape without concealing by the -hand or the handkerchief, which is by no means flattering to the -speaker; to cast your eye frequently towards the clock--all these habits -are offences against good _ton_. - - -SECTION IV. - -_Of Pronunciation._ - -Pronunciation is still more indispensable in conversation than -elocution; for indeed before selecting our expressions, we must make -them understood, and one can do this but imperfectly if he pronounces -badly. From this fault arise forced repetitions, the loss of what is -appropriate, fatigue, disgust, the impatience of the two persons -speaking, and in fine, all the sad results of deafness. Should we not -use every effort to rid ourselves of this? - -The first, the greatest impediment to pronouncing well, is volubility. -By speaking too fast, we speak confusedly, and utter inarticulate and -unintelligible sounds, and this, without dispute, is of all the faults -in pronunciation, the most insupportable. We know very well, that to -speak too slowly, and as they say, to listen to our own words, is a -caprice which seems to denote pride or nonchalance; and that in certain -cases it is necessary to speak quickly; but we ought never to speak -precipitately, even on subjects which require us to be brief. Besides -the physical inconvenience, indistinctness has other moral -inconveniences: it supposes heedlessness, loquacity, or foolishness. - -Next comes hesitancy, which is little less troublesome, for it fills the -conversation with ridiculous and painful efforts. This defect which is -sometimes owing to the organization, happens still more frequently from -neglecting to think before we speak, from timidity, from some lively -emotion which obliges us to stammer, or from a formal anxiety to make -use of select terms. This last motive is almost an excess. With the -intention of pleasing persons, you weary them by repetitions, by -far-fetched mincing words, and in order to appear clever, you render -yourself excessively annoying. - -The habits acquired in childhood and in small towns, and a provincial -accent, are frequently obstacles to good pronunciation; let us instance -some examples of this. It is not uncommon to hear, even among those who -are considered as correct speakers, in general, such a misuse of words -as the following: _Me_ for _I_, _Miss_ for _Mrs._, _set_ for _sit_, _sat -out_ for _set out_, _expect_, (of a passed event;) _lay_ for _lie_, -_shew_ for _showed_, _would_ for _should_, _hadn't ought_ for _ought -not_, &c. As to accent, each province has its peculiarities. To -discover it, to shun it, and to modify it by an opposite effort, are the -means of avoiding these shoals; but however ridiculous we may appear in -running upon them continually, we are a hundred times less so than those -people who, like true pedagogues, stop you in the midst of an affecting -recital, to repeat with a sardonic smile, a vulgar phrase, a word badly -pronounced, or a wrong accent which happens to escape you. - -Not only among persons of good society, should we condemn pedantry in -pronunciation, but we ought, moreover, with Rousseau, to blame -over-nicety of pronunciation or _purism_. He could not tolerate (and -many others like him,) those people so particular in sounding every -letter of a word.[14] - -Besides a general accent, there is also a particular accent, which gives -a shade to the words, when we express a sentiment. We feel all its -delicacy and its charm, but we feel also that it ought to be in perfect -harmony with the language; that it ought to be free from all -affectation, and all exaggeration. To utter hard things in a tone of -mildness; to display in a humble voice proud pretensions; to open a -political discussion in a caressing tone; to recount an affair of -pleasantry with a melancholy accent,--is ridiculous in the highest -degree. It is no less so, to force the accent, to pervert it into irony; -or to introduce into discourse, a sort of declamation or tone. - -We cannot judge by the accent of a person who speaks too high or too -low, but we decide, in the first case, that he is vulgar, and in the -second, that he is disdainful. - - - [14] The examples in the original, are the final letters of the words, - _tabac_, _sang_, _estomac_. In English, some persons are as - scrupulous in the distinct pronunciation of every letter in such - words as _extra-ordinary_, _Wed-nes-day_, &c.--_T._ - - -SECTION V. - -_Of Correctness in Speaking._ - -_'Surtout qu'en vos discours la langue révérée.'_ - -In addressing this advice to readers, we shall beware of considering -them as strangers to the rules of grammar; it is so shameful at the -present day to be ignorant of one's own language, that it would not be -less so, to suspect others of not knowing it; but although we may not be -deprived of this indispensable knowledge, it is still necessary -carefully to beware of contracting bad habits in language; of using bad -phrases, and even of using terms of which we know not the import; a -little study and attention will afford a certain remedy to the -embarrassment which we might experience. - -Young people cannot too much guard against these faults, which show an -education that has been little attended to. They will arrive at it by -studying a good grammarian, and by paying attention to the sense of -their words. - -If, in the silence of the study, we have much trouble in rendering -correctly a long sentence, how must it be in the world, when the -earnestness of conversation prevents us from reflecting? To make long -phrases, is to be willing to make mistakes in language; and if we take -time to present these interminable sentences in a correct form, we only -appear the more clumsy, or the more pretending, for conversation ought -never to seem labored, and the expression and the thoughts ought to be -of a simultaneous casting. - -Avoid the pronouns _who_, _which_, particularly when they are -interrogatives; for although the grammar does not absolutely condemn -their frequency, yet as it is useless and disagreeable to the ear, we -should endeavor to avoid it. Thus, instead of _who is it who did such a -thing?_--_what is this thing that is here?_ say, _who did such a -thing?_--_what is this thing?_ - -Persons who are careful of their conversation, avoid, as faults of -language, expressions which certainly do not deserve this title, but -which injure the clearness, elegance, and harmony of conversation. Thus -they will abstain from uniting those words which, being in conflict as -to their meaning and pronunciation, make an ambiguity, except when -written. They carefully beware of accumulating synonymes and epithets -profusely, or at least, of forgetting with regard to these last, the -laws of gradation; of multiplying adverbs, which burden and weaken -discourse; they pay great attention to the requirements of euphony, and, -in order to this, avoid bringing near to each other, words of similar -sound, and of repeating similar words even of the same meaning, such as -_at present we offer a present_, _it does a good deal of good_. - -These scrupulous and privileged talkers are particularly careful of the -connecting particles, for they know how much their omission injures -euphony; how it causes persons who are little charitable, to believe -that it is a covering, under which are adroitly concealed doubt or -ignorance, and this opinion is not always a prejudice. - -I had forgotten to say that our skilful talkers endeavor not to furnish, -by fortuitous coincidences of words, opportunities for puns; that in the -mode of their conversation, they avoid rhymes so unfortunate and even -ridiculous in prose; that they dread repetitions of phrases, and axioms, -as the repetitions of words; that by short and judicious pauses, they -mark the punctuation in the spoken as in the written language; finally, -that they endeavor to render their conversation clear, correct and -elegant; but these talking-models would be in less danger of defeating -their object, if they had less of the precise air of a pedagogue. So far -from this, if a grammatical error escapes them, they quickly correct it, -but with ease and gaiety. If they hear a gross grammatical error, they -do not allow themselves even a smile, or a look which could indicate -their feeling, or trouble the one guilty of the error. - - - - -CHAPTER VI. - -_Of the Moral Observances in Conversation._ - - -_Goodness, moderation and decorum_--these are the motto and the soul of -moral propriety in conversation. - -A solicitude to be always agreeable and obliging; of observing a proper -medium in everything; of respecting the rights of others, even in the -most trifling things; susceptibility for every thing which is connected -with delicacy, piety, and modesty--all these qualities which belong to -politeness, are included in these expressive words; _goodness_, -_moderation_, _decorum_. - - -SECTION I. - -_Of Formal and Vulgar Usages._ - -In the first rank of customary formalities, we place those concerning -information about the health. We shall, necessarily, have little to say -on this head; there are, however, some little rules which are not to be -neglected. - -It is proper to vary the phraseology of these formal questions, as much -as possible; and we must abstain from them entirely, towards a superior, -or a person with whom we are but little acquainted, for such inquiries -presuppose some degree of intimacy. In the last case, there is a method -of manifesting our interest, without violating etiquette; it consists in -making these inquiries of the domestics, or of other persons of the -house, and of saying afterwards when introduced; 'I am happy Sir, to -hear that you are in good health.' - -Custom forbids a lady to make these inquiries of a gentleman, unless he -is ill or very aged. To put a corrective upon this mark of regard, a -lady who addresses a gentleman, should be earnest in her inquiries of -the health of his family, however little intimacy she may have with -them. Many persons ask this question mechanically, without waiting for -the answer, or else hasten to reply, before they have received it. This -is in bad _ton_. Inquiries about the health, it is true, are frequently -unimportant, but they should appear to be dictated by attention and -kindness. We must not however be deceived, but be careful not to mention -a slight indisposition to persons who are strangers to us, because -their interest can be only formal. - -After we are informed of the health of the person we are visiting, it is -proper to inquire of them in relation to the health of their families; -but it would be wearisome to them, to make a long enumeration of the -members who compose the family. We can put a general question, -designating the most important members. In case of the absence of near -relations, we ask the person we are visiting, if they have heard from -them lately, if the news is favorable. They, on their part, ask the same -of us. - -When you are not on visits of great ceremony, at the time of taking -leave, you are commonly desired to give the compliments and salutations -of the persons you are visiting to those with whom you live, then you -should reply briefly, but give them assurances of your regard, and thank -them. - -Politeness infuses into visits of some little ceremony, a coloring of -modesty, grace, and deference, which should be preserved with the -greatest care. - -In speaking, it is always proper to give the name of _Sir_, _Madam_, or -_Miss_, and if the sentence is somewhat long, the title ought to be -repeated. If the question is with regard to answering in the affirmative -or negative, we ought never to say roughly _yes_ or _no_. - -If the person addressed has a title, or that which he has from his -profession, we should give it him, as _Count_, _Doctor_, &c. In case we -meet with many persons of the same profession, we can then distinguish -them, adding their name to the title. - -A lady will not say, my husband, except among intimates; in every other -case, she should address him by his name, calling him _Mr._ It is -equally good _ton_ that except on occasions of ceremony, and while she -is quite young, to designate him by his christian name. - -But when one speaks to a gentleman of the lady to whom he is married, he -should not say _your wife_, unless he is intimately acquainted, but -_Mrs. such-a-one_, is the most proper. The rules of politeness in this -respect, are the same in speaking of the husband. - -When we speak of ourself and another person, whether he is absent or -present, propriety requires us to mention ourselves last. Thus we should -say _he and I_, _you and I_. - -When you relate a personal occurrence, the circumstances connected with -which are honorable to yourself, and a distinguished person had also a -share in the honor, you should only mention him, and instead of the -plural form, _we resolved_, _we did such a thing_, you should forget -yourself, and say, _Mr. N. resolved, or did such a thing so and so_. -Delicacy will dictate this degree of modesty to you, and your superior -in his turn will proclaim at his own expense, your merit on the -occasion. - -We know that the word _false_ is not to be found in the dictionary of -politeness, and that when we are obliged to deny the assertion of any -one, we employ apologetical forms. The most proper ones are such as the -following: _I may be mistaken_, _I am undoubtedly mistaken, but,..._ _Be -so good as to excuse my mistake, but it seems to me,..._ _I ask pardon, -but I thought_, &c. Those persons are but ill-bred, who think to soften -down a denial merely by expressions of doubt. They say, _if what you -advance is true_, _if what madam says is positive_, &c. With these -forms, they think they comply with the rules of politeness. It is -incivility with affectation. - -However persons may say invidiously that forms avail much in the world, -I agree with them, but in quite another sense. - -We should never ask a thing of any one without saying, _will you have -the goodness_, _will you do me the favor_, _will you be so good_, &c. - -In a circle, we should not pass before a lady; and should never present -any thing by extending the arm over her, but we pass round behind, and -present it. In case we cannot do it, we say, _I ask your pardon_, &c. -To a question which we do not fully comprehend, we never answer, _Ha? -What?_ but, _Be so good as_, &c. _Pardon me, I did not understand._ - -Never refuse with disdain a pinch of snuff, and rather than disoblige -people, take one, even if you throw it away, after having pretended to -take it. Beware of presenting to ladies, in balls or assemblies, a box -of _sweet things_, under penalty of having the air of a caricature. - -If you strike against any one in the least, ask pardon for it -immediately. The other should at the same time answer you, _It is -nothing, nothing at all_, &c., even if the blow should have been -violent. - -It is customary to employ the few moments of a visit of mere politeness, -in looking at the portraits which adorn the fireplace, and even taking -them down, if you are invited to do it. It would be the extreme of -impoliteness, to say that they were flattered, or to pretend to -recognize in the portrait of a young lady, the likeness of an elderly -lady, or of one less favored by nature. It would moreover be improper to -make long compliments; indirect, and ingenious praise, is all that is -proper. - - -SECTION II. - -_Of Questions, and frequently recurring Expressions._ - -It is an axiom of propriety that we should never speak of ourselves, -(except to intimate friends) and that we should converse with strangers -about themselves, and everything which can interest them. Questions are -therefore necessary, but they demand infinite delicacy and tact, in -order neither to fatigue nor ever wound the feelings. If, instead of -expressing a mild and heartfelt interest, you ask a dry question -dictated by a cold curiosity; if you seem to pay no attention to the -answers which you call forth; if you mal-adroitly take a commanding -tone; if you prolong without bounds this kind of conversation; if, -perceiving that you are embarrassed, and that you endeavor to save -yourself by an evasive answer, instead of keeping silence, you witness -the foolish regrets of your indiscretion; be assured that both your -questions and yourself will be considered as a torment. - -Madame Necker ingeniously observes that these favorite and frequently -repeated terms with which we fill our conversation, serve, ordinarily as -a mark of people's character. 'Thus,' says she, 'those who exceed the -truth are in the habit of saying, _You may rely upon it, it is the -truth_; long talkers say, _In a word, to be brief_; and the proud say, -_Without boasting_,' &c. This striking observation is well founded, and -consequently we ought to take good care not to let people into the -secret of our peculiarities. - -But, independently of this motive, it is necessary for us carefully to -avoid frequently recurring words, as in time, habit multiplies them to -an inconceivable degree. They embarrass and overwhelm our conversation, -turn away the attention of those who listen to us, and render us -importunate, and ridiculous, without our being able to perceive it. - -If habitual terms, which on no other account are reprehensible, can -become so troublesome, what results may these trite phrases, trivial -expressions, and vulgar transitions produce, when they become frequent! - - -SECTION III. - -_Of Narrations, Analysis, and Digressions._ - -There are many conditions indispensable to the success of a narrative. -These conditions are, first, novelty; the best stories weary when they -are multiplied too much, because every one wishes to be an actor in his -turn upon the stage of the world. So that, when you have anything -excellent to relate, consult less your own desire to tell it, than the -wishes of others to hear you. There are but too many people who discover -the secret of wearying while telling very good things, on account of -their too great eagerness to tell them. - -The next thing is to take a suitable opportunity. Let your narration -spring naturally from the conversation; let it explain a fact, or come -in support of an opinion, but let it never appear to be introduced by -the foolish pleasure of talking, or by a not less foolish desire of -making a display of talent. Remember that the most meagre recitals, when -they are àpropos, frequently please more than the best things in the -world, when they are said out of time. And even endeavoring to -monopolize the conversation is in bad _ton_, particularly for young -persons and ladies, especially if it is but a few moments since they -occupied the attention of the company. It is an agreeable and modest -mark of propriety to request some one to relate an anecdote of the day, -of which you have made mention, and the circumstances of which you -desire to know. This is well suited to persons of distinguished talents. -The person called upon, bows and excuses himself with a few words -before acceding to your request. - -It is of all importance that the language correspond to the different -forms which the narration requires; that, under pretext of adorning our -story, we do not wander into far-fetched comparisons, dull details, or -interminable dialogues; that if we relate anything amusing or striking, -we should observe the utmost seriousness, and finally, before commencing -a recital of this kind, we keep in mind these lines of Lafontaine; - - Il ne faut jamais dire aux gens, - Ecoutez un bon mot, oyez une merveille, - Savez-vous si les écoutans - En feront une estime à la vôtre pareille? - -When, for want of observing this, as well as many other similar rules, -narrators fail of the expected effect, and think to be able to tell it -over again, and remarking on the comic part of the story, and laboring -to repeat it thus;--_Do you not think this excellent, wonderful?_ Alas! -they only add to their own defeat, and to the ennui of their poor -hearers. - -If one relates an anecdote which you already know, permit him to finish -it, and do not in any way draw off the attention of those who are -listening. If your opinion is asked, give it frankly, and without -wishing to appear better informed than the narrator himself. Still -farther; if you happen to be in tête-à-tête with the same narrator, -observe the same silence, and listen with an air of interest, and if he -happens to impart to you what he related the preceding day, which he had -from you yourself, you should appear to listen with equal interest, as -if for the first time. Frequently, in the midst of a recital, the -narrator, through forgetfulness, hesitates, and thinks that he can -recall it. Look at him attentively. If he is in doubt, declare that you -are altogether ignorant of the subject in question. If his memory -returns, request him to continue, at the same time saying; _I listen to -you always with new pleasure_. This delicate politeness is particularly -to be observed towards old persons. - -When your narrations have had success, keep a modest countenance; leave -others to point out the striking parts which have pleased them. The -surest means of not having the approbation of others, in actions as well -as other things, is to solicit it, whether it be by looks, or by words. - -As every hearer is obliged to listen or understand without objecting, -the consequence is, that we should _feel our ground_ before speaking, -and ask if such or such a thing is known to the company. When a story -has been published in the newspapers, so that it is not entirely new, -or seems borrowed from a compilation of _anas_, if we attribute it to -some person of our acquaintance, (of course one that is absent,) an -ineffable ridicule very properly stigmatizes the narrator. - -We come now to what seems to me the most difficult part of conversation, -and if you are not sure of being able to class your ideas with -regularity, to express them with much clearness, and an easy elegance, -do not have the temerity to wish to analyze a book, or a dramatic piece. -You would be laying up for yourself a rude mortification, which would -have an unfavorable influence on your _entrée_ into society. You would be -wrong, however, in concluding, that I condemn you to perpetual silence; -I only wish to inspire you with a salutary diffidence, in order to -preserve you from such a rude check, and to put it in your power some -future day to answer, in this particular, the wishes of a distinguished -and brilliant assembly. - -Begin by putting down upon paper a hasty sketch of a short piece, as for -instance a _vaudeville_, or a little comedy. You will do this until, -being sure of the manner in which you would embrace the _ensemble_, and -dispose of the details, you can produce it without embarrassment. When -arrived at this point, abstain from these kinds of analysis, which -though indeed more correct, seem labored. They have besides less -freedom, appropriateness, and grace. - -Know this, and remember it well, that every other preparation than -thinking what you are about to say, will make you acquire two -intolerable faults, affectation and stiffness. - -To conclude, I give this advice only to those persons who, by a quick -and penetrating perception, by a love of the fine arts, and by a -peculiar readiness, find themselves able to speak properly of literary -productions. - -Those who are less engaged in these things, should content themselves -with simply and briefly explaining a subject, and of mentioning the -emotion they felt; with speaking of some brilliant passage, and adding -that they do not pretend to pronounce judgment. - -The first degree of digression is the parenthesis; provided it is short, -natural, and seldom repeated; and that you take care to announce it -always; and finally, in order not to abuse it, you should make a skilful -use of it. The second degree of digression becomes more nice, for it -includes those accessory reflections, those common but agreeable and -well-settled expressions; those general or particular allusions, which -are only to be used with a peculiar emphasis, which is to language what -the italic character is to printing. This method of speaking in italics -may be striking and artless; but it often becomes obscure and trivial; -the habit is dangerous, and one should use this difficult digression -only before intimate friends. - -We now come to the third degree, to what is properly called digression; -most frequently it is involuntary. Often in a lively and animated -dialogue, the impetus of conversation carries you, as well as the person -with whom you are conversing, far from the point from which you started. -If it is a question of pleasure or interest, return to your point by -employing a polite turn, as, _Pray let us not lose sight of our -business_. But if it is an affair of nothings succeeding nothings, let -it flow on. - -Voluntary digression, when it is not a mere work of loquacity, may be -employed in serious discourse, as political, philosophical, or moral -discussions; but it is important to treat it with infinite reserve, and -care, and never to introduce a personal apology, or a domestic incident, -altogether out of place, as those persons do, who, in narrating any -event relative to an individual, recount his life, their connexion with -him, or his whole family, and make the event of an hour remind us of -ages. - -Lawyers, literary people, military men, travellers, invalids and aged -ladies, ought to have a prudent and continual distrust of the abuse of -digressions. - - -SECTION IV. - -_Of Suppositions and Comparisons._ - -The two shoals to be avoided in this form of language are directly -opposed to each other; the one is triviality, the other bombast. - -The object of supposition, which is already antiquated, and sometimes -too simple, is to increase the force of reasoning, and to carry -conviction to the mind of the person who listens to you; comparison -tends to make an image, or to place before us the object described. When -both these qualities are regulated by reason, use, and taste, it is very -well; but how seldom is this the case! - -They are not so used, if, in the course of a discussion, you suppose a -respectable person to supply the place of a madman, an ill-bred person, -or a robber; or, if you suppose him to be in a situation disgraceful or -even ridiculous. As, for example; _If you had been this bad person_; or, -_Suppose, that you had committed this base act_; or, _that you should be -laughed at_, &c. - -They are also misplaced, whenever, being satisfied with avoiding -disagreeable comparisons, we endeavor to mark out some one as -contemptible, by comparing his exterior with that of some other person -in the company. When we say; _This unfortunate man is of your size, sir; -he has your traits, your physiognomy_, &c. - -They are also misplaced, if used in the presence of people of a -profession upon which the injurious comparisons fall, as when we say; -_As quackish as a doctor_; _greedy as an attorney_; _loquacious as a -lawyer_, &c. - -Finally, politeness and taste cannot at all exist in comparisons, if -they are common or trivial, as when we say, _black as the chimney-back_, -_high as one's hand_, &c.; or, if they are in a turgid and pretending -style, such as, _learned as the Muses_, _fresh as the meadows_, &c. - - -SECTION V. - -_Of Discussions and Quotations._ - -Whatever be the subject of conversation, propose your opinion with -modesty; defend it with sangfroid and a mild tone if you are opposed; -yield with a good grace if you are wrong; yield also, although you are -in the right, if the subject of discussion is of little importance, and -especially if the one who opposes you is a lady, or an old person. -Moreover, if love of truth or the desire of affording instruction force -you to enter into a discussion, do it with address and politeness. If -you do not bring over your opponent to your own opinion, you will at -least gain his esteem. - -But if you have to do with one of those people who, possessed with a -mania of discussion, commence by contradicting before they hear, and who -are always ready to sustain the contrary opinion, yield to him; you will -have nothing to gain with him. Be assured that the spirit of -contradiction can be conquered only by silence. - -The insupportable pedantry of a cloud of quoters, without tact or -talent, has justly, for a long time, thrown quotations into disrepute; -but if they are well chosen, few, and short; if they are à-propos, - - Qui fuit comme le temps, qui plaît comme les grâces; - -if they are altogether new, and wielded by a person possessed of -modesty, elegance, and taste, having a perfect knowledge of the world, -quotations have much success and charm; but without these conditions, -there is little safety; and in this matter there can be no mediocrity; -you will either be a good model, or an insupportable pedant. Consider if -you will rashly run this chance, especially on making your début in -society, when young persons ought so carefully to avoid making a parade -of a vain college erudition, and not seek the reputation of a savant by -employing words borrowed from foreign languages, or scientific terms -unknown in good society. - - -SECTION VI. - -_Of Pleasantry, Proverbs, Puns, and Bon Mots._ - -If society is not a school for exercising pedantry, neither is it an -arena for the use of those perversely clever people, who think -themselves furnished with a patent to insult with grace. Whatever may be -the keenness of their sarcasms, the piquancy of their observations, or -the smile which they excite in me, I do not the less refuse to allow to -those caustic spirits the name of polite persons, or of good _ton_; for, -in politeness there must be good feeling. But those who incessantly -study to trouble and wound people, without taking any precaution except -to deprive them of the right or means of complaining; who are ready to -catch at the least error, to exaggerate it, to clothe it in the most -bitter language, to present it in the most ridiculous light; who meanly -attack those who cannot answer them, or expose themselves every day for -a sarcasm to sport with their own life and that of another in a -duel--such people, what are they?--in truth, I dare not say. - -One such picture, which, certainly is not highly colored, would render -pleasantries always odious; but to indulge in pleasantry is not to -resemble such mischievous persons, thank heaven, it is far otherwise; -for mild, kind, and harmless pleasantry should be taken in good part -even by those who are the subjects of it; it is a friendly, and sportive -contest, in which severity, jealousy, and resentment should never -appear; whenever you perceive the least trace of them, the pleasantry is -at an end; desist, then, the moment they appear. - -As to hoaxing, that caustic of fools; as to that silly gaiety, excited -by the candor or politeness of people whom you falsely cause to believe -the most foolish things, because they do not make known to you that they -see through this pleasure of stupid fellows, I have nothing to say of -them, except that I have too good an opinion of my reader to suppose -that he does not despise them as I do. - -Popular quotations and proverbs, as well as other quotations, require -some care; and, except in familiar conversation, are altogether -misplaced. If they are frequent, conversation becomes a tedious -gossipping; if introduced without a short previous remark, one of two -things will take place, they will either prevent the speaker from being -understood, or they will give him the air of Sancho Panza. But the -previous remark, however, need be but short; _as the proverb says_, _as -the wisdom of nations has it_. A proverb well applied, and placed at the -end of a phrase, frequently makes a very happy conclusion. - -I only speak to censure; I entreat my readers not to suffer themselves -to be the manufacturers of puns, and to despise this talent of fools and -childish means to excite a passing laugh. Not that we cannot repeat in -good company one of those rare political bon mots which are happy in -every respect; nor that we ought to deprecate this kind of pleasantry -before people who are fond of them, still less to tell them what they -hear every day, _That is poor_; to have taste, does not authorize us to -be impolite. - -We must be much more severe upon another kind of équivoques; namely, -those which offend modesty. Propriety allows you, and it even requires -you not to listen to, but even to interrupt an ill-bred person who -importunes you with those indecent witticisms which a man of good -society ought always to avoid; they are those by aid of which we cover -certain pleasantries with a veil so transparent, that they are the more -observed. What pleasure can we find in causing ladies to blush, and in -meriting the name of a man of bad society? - -There are those who think that they may allow themselves every kind of -pleasantry before certain persons; but a man of good _ton_ ought to -observe it wherever he is. We might quote more than one example of -persons, who have lost politeness of manners and of language by assuming -the habits and conversation of all kinds of society into which chance -may have carried them. It requires but a moment to lose those delicate -shades of character which constitute a man of the world, and which cost -us so much labor to acquire. - -It is a great error to suppose that we must always shine in -conversation, and that it is better to make ourselves admired by a -lively and ready repartee, than to content ourselves sometimes with -silence, or with an answer less brilliant than judicious.[15] We must -not imagine that all traits of wit are in the class of politeness; a -vain and triumphant air spoils a bon mot; moreover, when you repeat a -thing of this kind of which you are the author, beware of saying so to -your auditors. - - - [15] That a reply may be truly pleasing, it is necessary that he who - makes it has a right so to do, and that we may quote it without - doing him any wrong; otherwise, we should laugh at the reply, - and despise the author of it. There are replies which are - pleasing in the mouth of a military man, but which would be - ridiculous in the mouth of a civil magistrate. A young lady may - make lively and brilliant repartees, which would be insupportable - in a woman in the decline of life; as the latter might make such - as would be unsuitable in a young lady. - - -SECTION VII. - -_Of Eulogiums, Complainings, Improprieties in general, and Prejudices._ - -One of the most improper things, is to praise to excess and -unseasonably. Extravagant and misplaced eulogiums neither honor the one -who bestows them, nor the persons who receive them. - -An infallible method of giving a meritorious person the air of a fool, -is to address him to his face and without disguise, to load him with -exaggerated eulogiums; it is indeed not a little embarrassing to reply -in such a case. If we remain silent, we appear to be inhaling the -incense with complacency; if we repel it, we only seem to excite it the -more. Thus we see, in such a case, and even among very clever persons -too, those who reply by silly exclamations and by rude assertions. _You -were laughing at me_, they say; this cannot be tolerated; it is to be -supposed that the person who praises you is incapable of such an act. I -think it would be better to say, _I did not know you were so kind_ (or -so good) _I should indeed think you were joking me_. Or else, we should -say, _your partiality blinds you_. - -Persons who are unacquainted with the world, commonly think that they -cannot address a lady without first assailing her with compliments. This -is a mistake, gentlemen, and I can with relation to this point, reveal -to you what my sex prefers to these vulgar eulogiums. - -It is in bad _ton_ to overwhelm with insipid flattery all women that we -meet, without distinction of age, rank or merit. These insipidities may -indeed please some of light and frivolous minds, but will disgust a -woman of good sense. Carry on with them a lively, piquant and varied -conversation; and remember that they have a too active imagination, a -too great versatility of disposition, to support conversation for a long -time upon the same subject. - -But is it then necessary to proscribe eulogiums entirely? Not at -all--society has not yet arrived at that degree of philosophy; eulogiums -are and will for a long time be a means of success; but they should be -in the first place, true, or at least probable, in order not to have the -appearance of outrageous insults; they should be indirect and delicate, -that we may listen to them without being obliged to interrupt; and they -should be tempered with a sort of judgment, the skilful use of which, is -itself even a eulogium. - -I repeat, as I have often said, let there be moderation in everything. - -Should we not regard as gross and ridiculous language, that exaggeration -which we frequently hear used in praise as well as in censure? It seems -that true politeness in language consists principally in a certain -moderation of expressions. It is much better to cause people to think -more than we say, and not outrage language, and run the risk of going -beyond what we ought to say. - -Under any circumstances, complaining has always a bad grace. - -Banish from your complaints ill-nature and animosity; let your anger be -only an expression of the wrong you have suffered, and not of that which -you would cause; this is the surest means of gaining to your side -persons who would perhaps be doubtful whether to favor your adversary or -yourself. - -Politeness is not less opposed to making excessive complaints to the -first person you meet, than to the frequent and extravagant eulogiums -which you bestow improperly upon those from whom you expect a favor in -return. - -By the word improprieties, we generally understand all violations of -politeness. We, however, give to this word a particular and limited -sense. It signifies a want of due regard to, and a forgetfulness of, the -delicate attentions which seem to identify us with the situation of -others. We will mention some examples of these particular violations of -politeness. To accost sad people with a smiling face and sprightly -manners, which prove to them the little interest which you take in their -situation; to trouble by a whimsical and cross ill-humor, and by -misanthropic declamations, the pleasure of contented persons; to exalt -the advantages of beauty before aged ladies or those who are naturally -unfortunate; to speak of the power that wealth bestows in the presence -of people hardly arrived at mediocrity of fortune; to boast of one's -strength or health before a valetudinarian, &c. - -The sense which we here give to the term _prejudices_ is still more -limited than that which we have just given to the expression -_improprieties_. - -We do not mean to speak here of those erroneous judgments, acknowledged -as such, which though undermined, and shaken, are still respected by -that society which they torment. We wish only to admonish our fair -readers of those unfriendly prejudices of nation against nation, city -against city, and section against section; that malevolent disposition -which with a Parisian makes the name _provincial_, synonymous with -awkwardness and bad _ton_, and which, in the saloons of the Chausée -d'Antin, allows no favor to persons lodging in the Marais; because the -people of the Marais, provincials and Englishmen, do not consider it any -fault to return prejudice for prejudice, and contempt for contempt. - - - - -CHAPTER VII. - -_Of Epistolary Composition._ - - -Next to social communications by means of visits and conversation, are -communications by means of letters and billets. It is not only absence, -but a multiplicity of business, and a great number of relations which -give a very great extension to this part of our social interests. - -Our readers have too much judgment to think that we wish to give them -lessons in style, or teach them how they should write letters of -friendship, of congratulation, of condolence, of apology, of -recommendations, of invitation, of complaint, or of censure. This -enumeration alone, shows the impossibility of it. Some general -reflections upon propriety in epistolary composition, and strict details -of the forms and ceremonial parts of letters, will compose this -important chapter. - - -SECTION I. - -_Of Propriety in Letter Writing._ - -If in conversation we ought to attend to propriety of language, its -choice and graceful euphony, how much more is it necessary to endeavor -to make our style in writing clear, precise, elegant, and appropriate to -all subjects. Vivacity of discourse forces us frequently to sacrifice -happy though tardy expressions to the necessity of avoiding hesitancy; -but what is thus an obstacle in speaking, does not interfere with the -use of the pen. We ought, therefore, to avoid repetitions, erasing, -insertions, omissions, and confusion of ideas or labored construction. -If we write a familiar letter to an equal or a friend, these blemishes -may remain; but otherwise, we must commence our letter again. - -The most exact observance of the rules of language is strictly -necessary; a fault of orthography, or an incorrect expression, are not -allowable, even in the least careful letter or the most unimportant -billet. Even correction is not admissible; for, besides being a blemish -to the letter, it betrays the ignorance or inattention of him who writes -it. For these reasons, it is well to make a rough draft, if we are -little accustomed to epistolary style, and if being very young, we -cannot perfectly remember the rules of syntax, and the dictionary. Some -persons, it is true, censure this precaution, which, say they, marks the -style with affectation and stiffness. This censure does not seem to me -well-founded. The loss of time which this method requires, is a more -real inconvenience; and for this reason, and on account of the -embarrassment with which we may be troubled, it is well to accustom -ourselves to writing a letter _extempore_ with neatness, elegance and -correctness. - -The choice of materials for writing, without being very essential, is -yet necessary; to write on very coarse paper, is allowable only to the -most indigent; to use gilt edged and perfumed paper for letters of -business, would be ridiculous. The selection of paper ought always to be -in keeping with the person, the age, the sex, and the circumstances of -the correspondents. Ornamented paper, of which we have just spoken; -paper bordered with colored vignettes and embossed with ornaments in -relief upon the edges; and paper slightly colored with delicate shades, -are designed for young ladies, and those whose condition, taste, and -dignity, presuppose habits of luxury and elegance. Many distinguished -people, however, reasonably prefer simplicity in this thing, and make -use of very beautiful paper, but yet without ornament. - -People of business, heads of companies or establishments, and persons of -distinction, with many titles, use paper printed at the top, that is to -say, having the name of their residence, the three first figures of the -date of the year, their address, and these words, _Mr. ----_, (here -follow the titles) to _Mr. ----_. - -It is extremely impolite to write a letter upon a single leaf of paper, -even if it is a billet; it should be always double, even though we write -only two or three lines. It is still more vulgar to use for an envelope, -paper on which there are one or two words foreign to the letter itself, -whether they be written or printed. - -Billets, letters folded lengthwise, and half-envelopes, are little used. -A folded letter, especially if written upon vellum paper, should be -pressed at the folds by means of a paper-folder. - -The rules of politeness ought moreover to decide as to the expense of -postage. They require us to defray the expense of the letter if it is -written to distinguished persons, or to those of whom we ask any favor; -but it would be an incivility, and sometimes a want of delicacy, to do -it when we write to a friend, an acquaintance, or to persons of little -fortune, whose feelings we should fear to wound. We must therefore, in -order to save them the expense as well as to avoid dissatisfaction, -endeavor to make some excuse of business. - -Letters for new year's day, and other holidays, are usually written -beforehand, in order to arrive on the previous or very same day. This is -particularly required towards relations; for friends and intimate -acquaintances, the following week will do, and for other persons, any -time within the month. - -It is as indispensable to answer when you are written to, as when you -are spoken to, and the indolence which so many correspondents allow in -themselves, in this respect, is an incivility. And if after all they -decide to answer, they begin by apologies so constantly renewed, that -they become common-place. We must use much care that these excuses may -not be ridiculous. Conciseness, and some new terms of expression, are, -in this case, indispensable. The same observation is applicable in -making use of reproving terms. - -Letters supply the place of visits, as we have seen, in bestowing -presents, or on occasions of marriages, funerals, &c.; to neglect to -write in a similar case, is gross impoliteness. - -Two persons should not write in the same letter, by one writing upon the -first, and another upon the second leaf, except we are intimate with the -correspondent. The same is applicable to postscripts. It is not -allowable, except to familiar friends, to use expressions borrowed from -foreign languages, as for instance the phrase of the Italians, _I kiss -your hands_, &c. The language of men who write to ladies ought always to -have a polish of respect, with which the latter might dispense in -answering. Except on occasions of great ceremony, a lady ought not to -address to a man such phrases as, _I have the honor to be_, &c. while -the latter should use the most respectful terms, as _Deign, madam, to -allow me_; _allow me the honor of presenting you my respects_, &c. - -You may use a lofty style towards persons to whom you owe respect; on -easy, trifling, or even jesting style, towards a friend; and a courteous -style towards ladies generally. You should not write in a trifling style -to persons of a higher standing. It sometimes happens that a man of -superior rank honors with his friendship a man of lower condition, and -is pleased that the latter writes to him without ceremony. In this case -we may use the privilege which is given us; but we must take care not to -abuse it, and to make known from time to time that we are ready to -confine ourselves within respectful bounds. - -When you write upon any subject, consider it fully before putting it -upon paper, and treat of each topic in order, that you may not be -obliged to recur to any one again, after having spoken of another thing. - -If you have many subjects to treat of in the same letter, commence with -the most important; for if the person to whom you write is interrupted -while reading it, he will be the more impatient to resume the reading, -however little interesting he may find it. - -It is useful and convenient to begin a new paragraph at every change of -the subject. - -After having written _Sir_ or _Madam_ at the top of the letter, we -should not commence with one of these phrases; _Sir, madam --, your -sister, has written me, that_. We should say, _I understand by a letter -which madam --, your sister, has written me_. - -Take care also, when writing to a person worthy of respect, not to make -compliments to any one. But write to this third person whatever you wish -him to know. - -Titles of respect, as _Lordship_, _Majesty_, _Highness_, _Excellency_, -_Honor_, _Madam_, &c. ought never to be abbreviated, either in writing -to the persons themselves, or to any one who has acquaintance with them. - -Figures are used only for sums and dates; numbers of men, days, weeks, -&c. are to be written at length. - - -SECTION II. - -_Of the Interior and Exterior Form of Letters._ - -The interior form of a letter comprehends the titles and qualities of -persons to whom it is proper to give them; the more or less courteous -phrases which we use; the more or less respectful manner with which the -commencement and body of the letter are to be arranged; and the more or -less humble terms which we are to use for the signature, the address or -the superscription. - -The exterior form of a letter is what concerns the size of the paper; -the blank that we should leave between the _vedette_, (or line -containing only the name) and the first line; between the last line, the -appellation, and signature; the manner of folding the letter, and the -choice and mode of putting on the seal. - -In addressing the pope, we say at the top of the letter, _Holy Father_, -or _Most Holy Father_; and instead of _You_, we should say, _Your -Holiness_; to a prince cardinal, _My Lord_, and _Your Most Eminent -Highness_. - -To a cardinal, _My Lord_, and _Your Eminence_. - -To an archbishop or bishop, _My Lord_, and _Your Grace_. - -To an emperor or empress, we say, _Sire_, or _Madam_; and instead of -_You_, we say, _Your Imperial Majesty_. - -To a king we also say, _Sire_, and _Your Majesty_. - -To a queen, _Madam_, and _Your Majesty_. - -To the brother of a king, _Your Royal Highness_. - -To an elector of the empire, _Your Electoral Highness_. - -To a sovereign prince, _Your Most Serene Highness_. - -To a prince, _Your Highness_. - -To an ambassador or minister, _Your Excellency_. - -To the chancellor of France, _My Lord_, and _Your Lordship_. - -The title _Excellency_ is not given to ladies. - -Persons who have an exact knowledge of the language and usage of the -court, know what is the most proper manner of expressing themselves. We -will give some examples in which the different degrees of respect may be -readily perceived. - -'I have received the letter with which you have been pleased to honor -me.' - -'I have received the letter which you have done me the favor to write to -me, which you have done me the honor to write to me, which you have -taken the trouble to write to me.' - -There are some persons who commence their letters with these words; _I -have received yours of the 12th current_; this is a fault; we should -say, _your letter_. The first is the style of those people who, being -pressed with business, are obliged to make abbreviations; and we must, -in the common customs of life, beware of imitating them in this respect. -We may say the same in respect to persons who write at the top of their -letters, '_I_ have received _your honored letter_ of such a date;' or, -'in answer to _your honored letter_;' or, '_I write you these few -words_.' All these forms are objectionable. - -We should never repeat in the first sentence of a letter, the names _My -Lord_, _Sir_, or _Madam_, with which we began. But if we write to a -prince, or even to a minister, we should after the first line use the -words, _Your Majesty_, _Your Highness_, or _Your Excellency_, and repeat -them from time to time, in the course of the letter, if it is of some -length. - -As to the conclusion of a letter, we should not say simply, _I am_, -without adding some such phrase as these; _With the most profound -respect_; _with profound respect_, _with the highest regard_, &c. To -persons who have the title of _majesty_, _highness_, _eminence_, &c. we -say, _I am your majesty's_, or _your highness's_, &c. _very humble_, &c. - -The words _esteem_ and _affection_ are used only in letters to friends -or acquaintance, because they are too familiar; but when accompanied by -any words which relieve them, they do not offend one. As for example, we -can say, _I am with profound respect, and the highest esteem_, &c. - -The following forms may be used with elegance; - -Accept, Sir, the assurances of high consideration; be pleased to accept -the assurances, &c. - -Letters of petition or request should be in folio, that is to say, upon -a sheet of paper in its full size; the margin should be half the breadth -of the page; the spaces and blanks which we ought to leave between the -upper edge of the paper and the _vedette_,[16] and between the _vedette_ -and the first line, are very different, according to the degree of -inferiority or superiority. The greater these spaces are, the more -respect do they indicate. The first line ought always to begin below the -middle of the page, when we write to a person to whom we owe much -respect; but the second page should begin one line below the _vedette_. -A blank space should always be left between the last words of the -signature, and the lower edge of the paper. If there should not be -sufficient room, it would be better to carry one or two lines over to -the succeeding page, than to fail in this respect. - -For a familiar letter, it has become fashionable to leave no margin at -all. It is, however, in these letters only that margins can be useful, -namely, in receiving a vertical line when all the paper is filled. - -The date of a letter may be put at the beginning when we write to an -equal; but in writing to a superior, it should be at the end, in order -that the title at the head of the letter may be entirely alone. In -letters of business, on the contrary, it is necessary to date at the top -and on the first line, that persons may know conveniently, the -chronological order of their communications. - -The date is often necessary to the understanding of many passages of -your letter, or to explain the sense of one which your correspondent may -have received at the same time from another person. - -In a simple billet, we put the date of the day, _Monday_, &c. It is well -sometimes to add the hour. - -Every letter to a superior ought to be folded in an envelope. It shows a -want of respect to seal with a wafer; we must use sealing-wax. Men -usually select red; but young ladies use gilt, rose, and other colors. -Both use black wax when they are in mourning. Except in this last case, -the color is immaterial, but not the size, for very large ones are in -bad taste. The smaller and more glossy, the better _ton_ they are. -Although sealing-wax is preferable, still we must sometimes avoid using -it; it is when we are afraid that the seal may be opened. - -When the letter is closed with or without an envelope, we put only a -single seal upon it; but if the letter is large, we use two. Moreover, -if it contains important papers, it should have three seals or more, -according to the nature of the envelope. If a person takes charge of a -letter as a favor, it would be very impolite to put more than one seal -upon it. If the letter should be folded in such a manner that by partly -opening it at the end, its contents may be read, it would be equally -impolite to put a little wax upon the edges. We can use this precaution -only when the letter is sent by the post or by a domestic. - -When we use no envelope, and the third page of the letter is all written -upon, we should leave a small blank space where the seal is to be put; -without this precaution, many very important words will be covered. - -We should not seal a letter of respect with an antique device. It is -more polite to use our coat of arms or cipher. - -Persons of taste, who have no coat of arms, adopt a seal bearing some -ingenious device, in keeping with their profession, sentiments, &c. - -A letter which is to be shown, as a letter of introduction or -recommendation, ought never to be sealed, since the bearer ought -necessarily to know the contents. But to seal it without having first -allowed the bearer to read it, would be very impolite. You should prove -to the person recommended, that you have spared no pains to render him a -service. - -It is only conscripts, and peasants, who fold a letter like an -apothecary's packet, who omit to press the wafer with a seal, or secure -it by pricking it in every part with the point of a pin. - -We never seal petitions which are to be presented to the king, and to -the members of the royal family. - -Some distinguished persons are flattered in writing to them, by our -omitting to designate precisely their address. It is an error; we should -indicate with exactness the town, and the province, state, &c. if there -is more than one town of the same name. In a large city, it is well to -write the name of the street and number, and the quarter of the city -where the street is. People of business, abbreviate this by putting N -and the number, or the number alone; this practice is more expeditious -than polite. - -We generally address a letter to one person only; but in certain cases -we may address to two or more collectively. - -It is well to add to the name, the title or profession, in order to -prevent mistake. However, if circumstances have obliged any one of your -acquaintance to act in an inferior situation, it would be a want of -delicacy to join to his name that of his business. - -When we write to the king, we put simply in the address, _To the King_. -To foreign kings we say, _To his Catholic Majesty_, _his Britannic -Majesty_, &c. - -To persons who have the title of highness, we say, _To his Highness_, -and then their quality or rank. To ministers and ambassadors, we say, -_To his Excellency, the Minister_, or _Ambassador_. If a person has many -titles, we select the highest, and omit the others. - -In billets, we put the date at the top of the paper, and begin the -letter about two inches below. The word _Sir_ is put in the first line. -We conclude with one of these phrases, _I am, Sir, yours_; _I am -entirely yours_, &c. We do not write a billet to ladies, or to -superiors, as this was introduced only to avoid ceremony. - -The most familiar billets are written in the third person, contrary to -the common practice. They contain very little, and begin thus, _Mr._ or -_Madam N present their respects_, or _compliments, to Mr. Such-a-one, -and request_, &c. After having made the request, we end with, _and he -will oblige his humble servant_. - -In this kind of billets, it is best not to use the pronoun _he_ or -_she_, for independently of the incivility, it might result in -confusion. Sometimes it would be difficult to know whether the pronoun -referred to the person who received the letter, or to the one who wrote -it. - -I shall conclude this chapter by an observation relative to friendly and -familiar letters; not that I have the folly to pretend to regulate by -any ceremonial, the sentiments of the heart; but there is in reality -nothing more cold and ridiculous, than accumulations of epithets like -these, _Your tender, sincere and constant friend_, &c. - - [16] See page 137. - - - - -CHAPTER VIII. - -_Additional Rules in respect to the Social Relations._ - - -I include under this name, everything relating to friendly attentions, -such as services, loans, presents, advice, and also things in relation -to discretion, such as respect in conversation, letters, secrets, -confidential communications, &c. - - -SECTION I. - -_Of an Obliging Deportment._ - -Polite persons are necessarily obliging. A smile is always on their -lips, an earnestness in their countenance, when we ask a favor of them. -They know that to render a service with a bad grace, is in reality not -to render it. If they are obliged to refuse a favor, they do this with -mildness and delicacy; they express such feeling regret, that they still -inspire us with gratitude; in short, their conduct appears so perfectly -natural, that it really seems that the opportunity which is offered them -of obliging us, is obliging themselves; they refuse all our thanks, -without affectation or effort. - -This amiable character, a necessary attendant of perfect good breeding, -is not always found with all its charms, in the world. There are -besides, some obliging persons, who force us to extort their services, -who feel of great consequence, who like to be supplicated and thanked to -excess. Do not imitate them: they make us ungrateful in spite of -ourselves, they make gratitude a pain and a burden. When one asks of you -any favor, reply kindly, "I am at your service, and shall be very happy -to render you any assistance in my power;" or else, with a sad manner, -lament that there is such an obstacle, &c. Then examine the means of -overcoming the obstacle, even if you should be assured beforehand that -none exists. - -Other persons, pretending to be polite, make protestations of their -services and zeal, without taking the trouble to abide by their offers -when an occasion is afforded them: so great is their trifling in this -respect that they can be justly compared to those false heroes who are -always talking of fighting, and who would be put to flight at the sight -of a drawn sword. These indications of zeal are suspicious, when they -are employed every moment and without any reason; a knowledge of the -world teaches us to discern them, and to give them that degree of -confidence which they merit. Sometimes we can congratulate persons, -wish them well, and have the appearance of taking an interest in the -recital which they are making of their affairs, without really feeling -the least interest for them. We cannot always command our indifference -in this respect, but we are obliged to spare them that constraint and -ennui, which would infallibly be shown if we should manifest to them the -coldness which they inspire. It belongs to those persons who know the -world, not to confound this politeness, with the pretended zeal of the -Don Quixottes of the drawing-room, of whom we have spoken above. - -In order that a service may be completed, it is necessary that it should -be done quickly, nothing being more disobliging than tardiness, and the -alternative, which you place a person in, either of addressing to you -new solicitations, or of suffering by your delay. Your tardy assistance -may perhaps be prejudicial, for one would suffer a long time before -resolving to importune you anew. - -Make use then of despatch. If any circumstances prevent you from acting, -inform the person, apologise, and promise to make reparation for your -neglect. On his part, the person who is under the obligation to you, -should be careful of using a single term of reproach and of accosting -you with an air of dissatisfaction. - -When any one who is visiting you has need of a shawl, a handkerchief, a -hat, offer it with a complaisant zeal, resist the refusal which is made -(and which propriety does not require) select the best you have, in -short, urge the persons not to be in haste to return the articles. If it -is very bad weather, and the occasion a proper one, offer an umbrella or -your carriage. These things are returned the next day by a domestic, who -is charged to thank the person for them. If the articles are linen, they -should not be returned before they are washed. - -When a lady has borrowed ornaments of another, as for instance, jewels, -the latter should always offer to lend her more than are asked for: she -ought also to keep a profound silence about the things which she has -lent, and even abstain from wearing them for some time afterwards, in -order that they may not be recognised. If any one, perceiving they were -borrowed, should speak to the person of it, he would pass for an -ill-bred man. If the borrower speaks to you of it, it is well to reply -that nobody had recognised them. All this advice is minute, but what -kind will you have? it concerns female self-esteem. - -One species of borrowing which is of daily occurrence, and happens very -often to the loss of the owners, is the borrowing of books. Persons are -so wanting in delicacy on this subject, that those who have a passion -for books, and who are very obliging in other respects, are forced to -refuse making these troublesome loans. The case, however, is a very -perplexing one; we cannot say, _I am not willing to lend you this work_; -but if the borrower is a suspicious person, we can say we have occasion -to use it, that we regret it very much, but that we will lend it to him -in a few days. However, we do not lend it at all. - -Well-bred persons do not make a bare request for a book; they wait until -it is offered, and then they accept the offer hesitatingly; they find -out the length of time they can keep it, and return it punctually at the -appointed day. In order to prevent every accident, they cover it with -cloth or paper, since the favor should render them more careful than the -value of the book; they also take care not to turn down the leaves, or -make marks, marginal notes, &c. - -If any accident happens to a borrowed article, we must repair the loss -immediately. I shall not speak of more important loans, which are out of -the range of politeness. - - -SECTION II. - -_Of Presents._ - -In the eyes of persons of delicacy, presents are not of worth, except -from the manner in which they are bestowed; in our advice, then, let us -strive to give them this value. - -Presents are offered first to relations and to friends; and they occur -under different circumstances; on our arrival at a place from which we -have been absent for a long time; when our intimate friends leave the -town in which we reside; on our return from a journey, particularly to -the capital; in remarkable and remote countries; on birth days, or days -of baptism, or new year's day. - -But this day is not the only occasion of exchanging presents in a -family, it is also an occasion for recollecting services and civilities; -of making our respects to ladies, to superiors whom we wish to honor. It -moreover offers us a delicate means of succoring the unfortunate. - -Secondly, at harvest time, if one owns land, in the hunting season, if -one is a hunter, it is in good _ton_ to send to our intimate friends, -fine fruits, rare flowers, or some choice articles of game. - -The most delicate presents are the productions of our own industry; a -drawing, a piece of needle work, ornamental hair-work, &c. But such -offerings, though invaluable among friends, are not used on occasions of -ceremony. - -Next to fitness of time for presents, comes fitness in the selection of -them; generally, luxury and elegance ought to reign in the latter; but -this rule has numerous exceptions: and although it would be out of place -to offer things purely useful (to which certain incidents would give the -appearance of charity) still we should be in an error to suppose that a -present is suitable, which is brilliant alone. It must by all means be -adapted to the taste, age, and professions of persons, and their -connexions with us. Thus to superiors, you offer fruits, game, &c. to a -student, books;[17] to a friend of the arts, music, or engravings; to -young married ladies, delicate and graceful articles of the toilet, &c. - -Presents should excite surprise and pleasure, therefore you ought to -involve them in a mystery, and present them with an air of joyful -kindness. - -When you have made your offering, and thanks have been elicited, do not -bring back the conversation to the same subject; be careful, -particularly, of making your gift of consequence. On the contrary, when -its merit has been extolled, when the persons who have received the -present, have evinced a lively satisfaction, say that the gift receives -all its value from their opinion of it. - -However slight charm a present may have, or if even insignificant, we -should be ill-bred not to manifest much pleasure in receiving it. It is -besides, necessary, when an opportunity offers, to speak of it, not to -fail of saying to the donor, how useful or agreeable his present is to -you. In proportion as a long space of time has elapsed, this attention -is the more amiable; it proves that you have preserved the object with -care. And this reminds me, that we should never give away a present -which we have received from another person, or at least that we should -so arrange it, that it may never be known. - -It is well to mingle with our manifestations of gratitude, some -exceptions to the high value of the gift, but not to dwell a long time -on the subject, or to exclaim about it with earnestness. Under some -circumstances, these declamations may seem dictated by avarice and a -want of delicacy; they are besides in bad taste at all times. - -We often make a present to some one through his children or wife, -especially on new year's day, when it is the custom to present at least -confectionary to the young families of one's acquaintance. At Paris, we -make such presents to married ladies; in the provincial towns, we do -not. Above all, when one has received a present of some value, he calls -upon the person who gave it, or, if the distance is great, addresses to -him a letter of thanks. Every one knows that custom requires us to make -a remuneration of a proportionate value, to the domestic who is the -bearer of the present. - - - [17] It is not polite, when the presents are pamphlets, to offer - those of which you have cut the leaves. - - -SECTION III. - -_Of Advice._ - -Advice is a very good thing, it is true; it is however a thing which in -society is the most displeasing. A giver of advice, who is incessantly -repeating, _If I was in your place, I should do so and so_, repels every -one by his pride and indiscretion. Such an impertinent person should -know, that he ought not to give advice without he is asked, and that the -number of those who ask it is very limited: we are not, however, -speaking here of gratifications of vanity, but of that advice, the -kindness and affection of which, gives it a claim to our attention. It -is necessary to use much reserve and care, because otherwise you would -seem to have a tone of superiority which would array the self-esteem of -your friend against your wisest counsels. Of the forms of modesty, no -one in this place is superfluous: we may say, "It is possible that I -am mistaken, I should be far from having the courage to enquire of -you," &c. - -If a person makes any objections, do not say, _You do not understand -me_, but, _I have not expressed myself properly_. - - -SECTION IV. - -_Of Discretion._ - -The duties of discretion are so sensibly felt by persons of good -breeding, that they do not violate them except through forgetfulness. It -will be enough then to make an enumeration of them, without intending to -point out their necessity. - -Discretion requires in the first place, respect with regard to -conversation. If, when we enter the house of any one, we hear persons -talking in an earnest manner, we step more heavily, in order to give -notice to those who are engaged in the conversation. If, in an assembly, -two persons retire by themselves to speak of business, we should be -careful not to approach them, nor speak to them until they have -separated. - -People who have lived a little in the world, know how essential it is -not to mingle with curiosity in the business of persons whom we visit; -nor are they ignorant what conduct is to be observed in case we surprise -persons by an unexpected call; but young persons may not know, and I beg -them to give their attention to it. - -When we see a person occupied, we retire, or at least make signs of it; -if they should detain us, we step aside, and appear to be examining a -picture, or looking out of the window, in order to prove that we take no -notice of what engages them. But the desire to find for ourselves some -such occupation, ought not to lead us to turn over the leaves of books -placed upon the chimney-piece or elsewhere; to run over a pamphlet; or -to handle visiting cards, or letters, even though it be only to read the -superscription. If the person visited should be opening a closet or -drawers, it would be rude curiosity to approach in order to see what was -contained there. If, among a number of valuable things, they take one to -show you, be satisfied with looking at that alone, without appearing to -think of the others. - -If, before the person visited comes in, we should see another visitor, -who, to pass the time, should take a journal or a book from his pocket, -it would be extremely impolite to read over his shoulder, and equally -uncivil to read what a person is writing. - -It is not allowable to take down the books from a library; but we may, -and we even ought to read the titles, in order to praise the good taste -which has been shown in the choice of the works. - -If it happens that any one exhibits to a circle some rare and valuable -object, do not be in haste to ask for it, or to take it by reaching out -your hand; wait modestly until it comes to you; do not examine it too -long when you have it, and if by chance any ill-bred person requests it -before you have seen it, do not detain it; it is better to suffer this -small privation than to pass for a badly educated virtuoso. - -However insignificant the boasted object may be, never criticise it; if -your opinion is asked, answer a few words of praise; if the thing is -really curious, abstain from exaggerated compliments. - -To violate the secresy of letters, under any pretext whatever, is so -base and odious, that I dare not say a word about it; I think, I ought -to say, that it is also very reprehensible to endeavor to read any part -of a letter folded in such a manner as to be partly open at the ends; -and when a certain passage in a letter concerning yourself is handed you -to read, you should put your finger below it in order not to read -anything more; and if you are allowed to add anything in a letter, have -the discretion not to cast your eyes over the rest, and be expeditious -so as to avoid the suspicion that you take advantage of the -circumstance. - -Politeness is also opposed, in certain cases, to a too great haste to -know anything relating to ourselves. For example, if a person brings you -a letter, you should not be in a hurry to open it, but see whether the -letter concerns the bearer at all, or only yourself. In the first case, -you should open it, and read it while he is present; in the other case, -you should lay it aside. - -Politeness does not, however, impose such restraints upon curiosity in -small things, and leave us free in important ones. Thus, we shall not -say that we ought religiously to keep a secret, and that confidence -received is a sacred deposit; but we shall say to persons who have -curiosity to know any private circumstance, that they ought to be filled -with shame if they do not desist all importunity as soon as they hear -the word, _it is a secret_. - - - - -CHAPTER IX. - -_Of Travelling._ - - -This chapter, although only accessory, and but remotely connected with -the social relations, should be added here; as we do not wish to make -any voluntary omission, and, besides, if in travelling, the duties of -politeness are less numerous, they are not, therefore, less obligatory. - -Persons about to travel, ought to make visits of taking leave among -their acquaintances, of whom they should ask if they have any commands -for them. It would be indiscreet, unless in case of perfect intimacy, to -accept this offer, or to ask them to take charge of such or such a -thing, especially if it is a packet; if persons are very intimate, we -may request them to let us hear of their arrival. - -Before their departure, the names of passengers are entered in the order -of their numbers, at the public coach offices. After this, each one -takes the place assigned him. Politeness, however, requires that a man -should offer his seat to a lady who is less well accommodated; for it -would be improper that he should be seated upon the back seat, while -she should be seated upon the front one. Some persons cannot bear the -motion of a coach when they ride backwards; and this manner of riding -incommodes them extremely. Polite travellers will take pleasure in -relieving them from this trouble. Ladies, on their part, ought not to -require too much, nor put to too severe a test the complaisance of -gentlemen. The latter, however, should at every stopping place, -attentively help them alight, by offering the hand, and directing their -feet on the step of the coach. The same thing is necessary in assisting -them to get in again. It would appear badly, to take advantage of one's -superiority of rank, to consult his own convenience alone. It is -necessary on the contrary, for him to have great care not to incommode -any one, and to show every civility to his fellow travellers. - -Politeness in travelling is not so rigorous as in society; it only -requires that we should not incommode our companions; that we should be -agreeable to them; that we should politely answer their questions; but -it leaves us free to read, sleep, look about, or observe silence, &c. - -A traveller would be uncivil if he should open or shut the windows of -the coach without consulting the people who are with him; or, if he -should, without offering to them, take any light and delicate food, as -fruits, cakes, or confectionary, but which they do not generally accept; -and he would appear disagreeable, if, knowing the route, he should not -point out the beautiful sites, and satisfy any questions concerning -them; finally, he would deserve the name of an imprudent prater, if he -should converse with his fellow travellers as with intimate -acquaintances. - -On our return, we should carry or send the commissions which we have -received. Partial acquaintances, to whom we have offered only by -writing, to take their commands, should not expect a visit on our -return; this right belongs only to relations, friends, or intimate -acquaintances. - -Finally, all those for whom you have executed any commissions, owe you a -visit of thanks as soon as it can be done. - -If you travel on horseback, in distinguished company, give them the -right, and keep a little behind, regulating yourself by the progress of -your companions. There is one exception to this rule; it is when one of -the two horses is skittish, so that it is absolutely necessary that the -other should pass on first, that this one may follow. - -If you happen to be on the windward side, so that you throw dust upon -your companion, you should change your position. When we pass by trees, -the branches of which are about the height of the shoulders, the one -who goes first ought to take care that the branches, in going back to -their former situation, should not strike with violence against the -person who follows. - -If you are passing a large stream, a small river, or a muddy pool, by -fording, it is polite to go first; but if we have not taken precautions, -and fall in the rear, we ought to keep at a distance, so that the -horse's feet may not spatter the water or mud upon the gentleman before -us. If your companion gallops his horse, you should never pass him, nor -make your horse caper, unless he signifies that it is agreeable to him. - - - - -PART III. - -OF PROPRIETY IN RELATION TO PLEASURES. - - - - -CHAPTER I. - -_Of Entertainments._ - - -Politeness ought, as we have seen, to direct and embellish all the -circumstances of life; but it is, if possible, still more necessary in -relation to pleasures, which, without it, would have no attraction. - -Without intending to adopt the epigrammatic style, I will say that -dining is almost an event, so many points of propriety have the master -of the house and his guests to observe. - -When we intend giving an entertainment, we begin by selecting such -guests as may enjoy themselves together, or at least tolerate one -another. If it is to be composed of gentlemen, there should be no lady -present, except the lady of the house. The dinner being determined upon, -we give out two or three days beforehand, verbal or written invitations. -During the carnival or other season of gaiety, it is necessary to do it -at least five days in advance, on account of the numerous engagements. - -When we receive a written invitation, we must answer immediately whether -we accept or not, although silence may be considered equivalent to an -acceptance. In the latter case, we should give a plausible reason of our -declining, and do it with politeness. When the invitation is verbal, we -must avoid being urged; for nothing is more foolish and disobliging; we -ought either to accept or refuse in a frank and friendly manner, -offering some reasonable motive for declining, to which we should not -again refer. It is not allowable to be urged, except when we are -requested to dine with someone whom we have seen only at the house of a -third person, or when we are invited on a visit or other similar -occasion. In the former case, if we accept, we should first leave a card -in order to open the acquaintance. - -Having once accepted, we cannot break our engagement, unless for a most -urgent cause. - -An invitation ought to specify exactly the hour of meeting, and you -should arrive precisely at that hour. The table should be ready, and the -mistress of the house in the drawing-room, to receive the guests. When -they are all assembled, a domestic announces that the dinner is served -up; at this signal we rise immediately, and wait until the master of -the house requests us to pass into the dining-room, whither he conducts -us, by going before. - -It is quite common for the lady of the house to act as guide, while he -offers his hand to the lady of most distinction. The guests also give -their arms to ladies, whom they conduct as far as the table, and to the -place which they are to occupy. Take care, if you are not the principal -guest, not to offer your hand to the handsomest or most distinguished -lady; for it is a great impoliteness. - -Having arrived at the table, each guest respectfully salutes the lady -whom he conducts, and who in turn bows also. It is one of the first and -most difficult things properly to arrange the guests, and to place them -in such a manner that the conversation may always be general during the -entertainment; we should as much as possible avoid putting next one -another, two persons of the same profession; for it would necessarily -result in an _aside_ conversation, which would injure the general -conversation, and consequently the gaiety of the occasion. The two most -distinguished gentlemen are placed next the mistress of the house; the -two most distinguished ladies next the master of the house; the right -hand is especially the place of honor. If the number of gentlemen is -nearly equal to that of the ladies, we should take care to intermingle -them; we should separate husbands from their wives, and remove near -relations as far from one another as possible, because being always -together, they ought not to converse among themselves in a general -party. - -The younger guests, or those of less distinction, are placed at the -lower end of the table. - -In order to be able to watch the course of the dinner, and to see that -nothing is wanting to their guests, the master and mistress of the house -usually seat themselves in the centre of the table, opposite each other. -As soon as the guests are seated, the lady of the house serves in -plates, from a pile at her left hand, the soup which she sends round, -beginning with her neighbors at the right and left, and continuing in -the order of their distinction. These first plates usually pass twice, -for every one endeavors to make his neighbor accept whatever is sent -him. - -The master of the house carves or causes to be carved by some expert -guests, the large pieces, in order afterwards to do the honors himself. -If you have no skill in carving meats, you should not attempt it; and -never discharge this duty except when your good offices are solicited by -him; neither can we refuse from his hand anything sent us. - -A master of a house ought never to pride himself upon what appears on -his table, nor confuse himself with apologies for the bad cheer which -he offers you; it is much better for him to observe silence in this -respect, and leave it to his guests to pronounce eulogiums on the -dinner; neither is it in good _ton_ to urge guests to eat nor to load -their plate against their will. - -I will now give a few words of advice to guests; puerile it may be, but -which it is well to listen to, and observe. It is ridiculous to make a -display of your napkin; to attach it with pins upon your bosom, or to -pass it through your buttonhole; to use a fork in eating soup; to ask -for _meat_ instead of _beef_; for _poultry_ instead of saying chicken, -or turkey; to turn up your cuffs while carving; to take bread, even when -it is within your reach, instead of calling upon the servant; to cut -with a knife your bread, which should be broken by your hand; and to -pour your coffee into the saucer to cool. - -Guests of the house of a distinguished personage are accompanied each by -his own servant, who takes his place behind his chair. They should not -address him during the entertainment, still less reprimand him. Before -placing themselves at the table, they ought to direct him to serve the -other guests also, and to retire as soon as the table is cleared, -because the domestics of the house ought to eat by themselves. - -During the first course, each one helps himself at his pleasure to -whatever he drinks; but, in the second course, when the master of the -house passes round choice wine, it would be uncivil to refuse it. We are -not obliged, however, to accept a second glass. - -When at the end of the second course, the cloth is removed, the guests -may assist in turning off that part of it which is before them, and -contribute to the arrangement of the dessert plates which happen to be -near, but without attempting to alter the disposition of them. From the -time that the dessert appears on the table, the duties of the master of -the house diminish, as do also his rights. - -If a gentleman is seated by the side of a lady or elderly person, -politeness requires him to save them all trouble of pouring out for -themselves to drink, of procuring anything to eat, and of obtaining -whatever they are in want of at the table. He ought to be eager to offer -them what he thinks to be most to their taste. - -It would be impolite to monopolize a conversation which ought to be -general. If the company is large, we should converse with our neighbors, -raising the voice only enough to make ourselves understood. - -Custom allows ladies at the end of an entertainment to dip their fingers -into a glass of water, and to wipe them with their napkin; it allows -them also to rinse the mouth, using their plate for this purpose; but, -in my opinion, custom sanctions it in vain. - -It is for the mistress of the house to give the signal to leave the -table; all the guests then rise, and, offering their arms to the ladies, -wait upon them to the drawing-room, where coffee and _liqueurs_ are -prepared. We do not take coffee at the table, except at unceremonious -dinners. In leaving the table, the master of the house ought to go last. -Politeness requires us to remain at least an hour in the drawing-room -after dinner; and, if we can dispose of an entire evening, it would be -well to devote it to the person who has entertained us. - -We should not leave the table before the end of the entertainment, -unless from urgent necessity. If it is a married lady, she requests some -one to accompany her; if a young lady, she goes with her mother. - -The question whether it is proper, or not, to sing at table, depends now -upon the _ton_ of the master of the house. We do not sing at the houses -of people of fashion and the high classes of society; but we may do it -at the social tables of citizens. In this case, we may repeat what has -been said and proved a thousand times how ridiculous it is to be urged -when we know how to sing, or to insist upon hearing a person sing who -has an invincible timidity. - -After dinner, we converse, have music, or more frequently, prepare the -tables for games. In the course of the soirée, the mistress of the house -sends round upon a waiter _eau sucrée_ or refreshing syrups. During the -week which follows the entertainment, each guest owes a visit to the -person who has invited them. We usually converse at this time, of the -dinner, of the pleasure we have enjoyed, and of the persons whom we met -there. This visit has received the cant name of the _visite de -digestion_. - - - - -CHAPTER II. - -_Of Promenades, Parties, and Amusements._ - - -The paragraphs contained in this chapter concern the most common -relations of society. Complaisance and attentions ought therefore to -embellish and adorn these relations with all the delicate shades of -politeness. - - -SECTION I. - -_Of Promenades._ - -A young man who walks with an elderly person, undoubtedly knows that his -companion has not the same strength and agility as himself; he ought -therefore to regulate his pace by that of the old person. The same -precaution should be observed when we accompany a person of distinction -to whom we owe respect. Decorum requires that a gentleman should offer -his arm to a lady who walks with him; and politeness requires him to ask -permission to carry anything which she may have in her hand, as a bag, a -book, or a parasol (if the sun does not shine;) in case of a refusal, he -ought to insist upon it. - -If there are more ladies than gentlemen, we should offer our arm to the -oldest, and to a married lady rather than to an unmarried one. If we are -accompanied by two ladies, we cannot dispense with offering our arm to -each of them. - -Place your company upon that side which seems to them most convenient, -and beware of opposing their tastes or desires. When occasion presents -itself, offer seats to your companions to rest themselves, and do not -urge them to rise until they manifest a wish to continue their walk. If -they accept your invitation to sit down, and it happens that there are -not a sufficient number of seats, then the ladies should sit, and the -gentlemen remain standing. - -In a large public garden, chairs are seldom wanting; if it is necessary -to go for some to the place where they are kept, this is the business of -the gentlemen, who ought to take care not to place them before persons -already seated, for this would be an incivility. When payment for the -seats is called for, one gentleman of the company pays for the whole. It -would be impolite to offer to reimburse him. - -There is also a rule of politeness to be observed with regard to those -whom we meet in walking. We ought to offend neither their eyes nor their -ears. We must take care not to attract their attention by immoderate -laughter, nor allow ourselves liberties which we cannot take in a -private garden. To sing and skip about in walking, would expose us to -the hootings of the multitude, and to unpleasant things for which we -could only accuse our own folly. - -If you are in a public promenade, converse upon general topics, which -can offend no one, in order that your remarks may not be wrongly -interpreted by persons who happen to hear them. Beware on the other -hand, of listening to the conversation of those who are not of your -party. - -If you give your arm to a lady in the street, she ought to be next the -wall. And if by chance, you are obliged to cross over, you should then -change the arm. This deference is likewise due to all who are entitled -to our respect. Two gentlemen do not take one another's arms in the -street, unless they are young persons and intimate friends. - -We never go in advance of the lady whom we accompany, and if she stops, -we do so likewise, and remain with her in looking at whatever attracts -her attention. If a mendicant comes up to ask alms, we immediately draw -out our purse to satisfy his wants, so that the lady with whom we are -walking may not be importuned by him. - -If we walk in a private garden, and the company is numerous, we may -separate, and form distinct groups. If the master of the house or any -person of consideration, invite you to walk up and down the alleys, take -care to give them the right, it being the most honorable side. At the -end of each alley, and when you must retrace your steps, turn inside -towards the other person, and not outward, as you would thus present -your back to him. If you happen to be with two persons who are your -superiors, do not place yourself in the middle, for that is the place of -honor; the right, is the second, and the left the third place. - -Be careful also of the choice of places if you take an airing in a -coach, and yield the first seats to ladies and distinguished persons. -The one of most consequence gets in first, and places himself at the -right of the back seat; the left of the same seat is occupied next; -then, the third person seats himself on the front seat, facing the one -in the first place; the fourth person takes the remaining seat, facing -the one in the second place. If there is no servant, it is proper for -the gentlemen to open the door, arrange the packets, &c. - -In a cabriolet or chaise, the right side is for the one who drives when -there are only two persons. If there are three, the driver sits in the -middle, even although he may be very inferior to his companions. I may -add, that it is not customary for a lady to go alone in a hired -cabriolet, since she would then be in the company of the driver only. - - -SECTION II. - -_Of Parties and Amusements._ - -We shall have but few things to say upon the manner of conducting -one's-self in a party, for we should only repeat the advice we have -already given as respects propriety in the carriage of the person, in -visits, and in conversation. - -If a gentleman enters a drawing-room where there are more than ten -persons, he should salute all generally, by a very respectful -inclination of the head, and present his respects first to the lady of -the house, but converse at first only with her husband; gentlemen -usually stand in groups, while the ladies sitting, answer the salutation -by a similar one; we should remark that the ladies do not rise, except -in saluting one of their own sex. - -However distinguished a person may be, we do not allow conversation to -be disturbed by their coming. They listen for a few moments while -observing what persons are present, then mingle in the conversation, -without pretending at all to monopolize it. When conversation is not -general, nor the subject sufficiently interesting to occupy the whole -company, they break up into different groups. Each one converses with -one or more of his neighbors on his right and left. We should, if we -wish to speak to any one, avoid leaning upon the person who happens to -be between. A gentleman ought not to lean upon the arm of a lady's -chair, but he may, while standing, support himself by the back of it, in -order to converse with the lady half turned towards him. - -It would be extremely impolite to converse in a loud voice with any one -upon private subjects, to make use of allegories and particular -allusions which are understood only by the person with whom you are -conversing and yourself. It would be equally out of place to converse in -a foreign language, with any one who might be able to speak it. - -It is not proper to withdraw in the midst of any conversation, but to -wait until the subject in which you are engaged shall be finished; you -then salute only the person with whom you have been talking, and depart -without taking leave of any one, not even the gentleman and lady of the -house. - -The mind has need of recreations; it cannot be always occupied. Hence -the custom of passing a few moments in those family and social parties, -where we take part in the various amusements and games which have been -invented to relax and divert the mind. - -It is useless to observe here that we do not mean to speak of those -scandalous establishments in which are frequently swallowed up the -resources of families, and where a person, led by an unhappy passion, -may consume in one evening, enough to furnish an annual support for -fifty orphans; we design to speak only of those innocent games, in which -we are ambitious only of the glory of a triumph. To propose to play a -deep game would be to expose ourselves to contempt. For, those who -composed the assembly, would imagine that he who makes this request, has -no other object in view but to enrich himself at the expense of others, -and that he is accustomed to frequent those abominable houses of which -we have just spoken. - -We should have a bad opinion of a player who, when he gained, should -show excessive joy, and if he lost, should betray the least chagrin; for -he ought to remember that it is only for amusement that he plays. - -Conduct yourself without letting escape the least word of -dissatisfaction, and be pleasant even if you are unfortunate. - -When you leave off playing, converse with your adversary, and not seem -to avoid him, but especially never speak to him of his good luck in -playing, unless it be with a frank gaiety, for otherwise you would seem -to be inspired with anger. - -Play with fairness, and do not endeavor to see the hand of your -adversary in order to profit by it; pay attention to your game, and not -hold conversation with others. This inattention would render you -necessarily insupportable to those who play with you. - -If any play is contested, we should not discuss it with warmth, but -refer to disinterested persons, explaining to them with calmness and -politeness the point in dispute. - -In playing, we must always preserve an even temper; neither should we -devote too much time to it, for then this amusement would become -irksome, and would soon be changed to a fatiguing occupation. - -When the mistress of the house has prepared the tables for playing, she -takes as many cards as each game requires players, and presents them to -the persons present, beginning with the one whom she wishes especially -to honor. To accept a card, is considered an engagement to play. The -distribution of the players requires all the attention of the mistress -of the house, for there are some persons not to be desired for partners. -There are, besides, bad players, persons who being little accustomed to -playing, stop a long time to think, bite their lips, strike their feet -together under the table, drum upon the table with their fingers; -pretend that such a person being near brings them bad luck, and request -out of their turn to shuffle the cards, in order to change the luck, &c. - -The mistress of the house experiences, besides the embarrassment of -arranging these unlucky players, sufficient trouble in keeping from the -same table, those who have any antipathy to one another. - -When we commence playing, we salute, by an inclination of the head, the -persons with whom we play, as we deal to them the first card. Gentlemen -should collect the cards at the end of each hand, shuffle, and present -them to the lady who is to deal. - -We may, without impropriety, ask of any one if he plays such a game, -even if he plays well; and we may ask those invited to play, whom they -desire as partners. The most honorable set, namely, that in which the -mistress of the house plays, can never be refused, unless we are -unacquainted with playing. - - -SECTION III. - -_Little Sports and Games of Society._ - -Those sports, called innocent, generally please young persons of both -sexes, because they excite an interest, while they require an exercise -of the memory and of the mind. It is necessary, however, in this, as in -everything else, to manifest attention, delicacy, and propriety. We -ought not to endeavor to be noticed for our too great vivacity or -freedom. We should be satisfied with showing our talent at playing in -our turn, and taking part in the common gaiety, without pretension or -too great zeal. We should especially avoid throwing out any vindictive -remarks, bestowing misplaced compliments, or imposing forfeits which -would cause mortification. - -A young gentleman ought never to seize a young lady by the body, catch -hold of her ribband or bouquet, nor pay exclusive attention to the same -person. He should be agreeable and pleasant towards all. - -The selection of different games belongs to the ladies. The person who -receives the company, should be careful to vary them; and when she -perceives that any game loses its interest, she should propose another. - -There are almost always persons in society who wish to take the lead, -and give the _ton_; it is a caprice or fault which should be avoided. We -may modestly propose any amusement, and ask the opinion of others in -regard to it; but never pretend to dictate, nor even urge having our own -proposal accepted. If it does not please generally, we should be silent, -and resign ourselves with a good grace to the decisions of the majority. - -In these little sports, the penalties which are imposed, too often -consist in embracing the ladies of the company; but as they cannot -refuse, since you follow the rule of the game, take care to do it with -such propriety, that modesty may not be offended. - -Never prescribe any forfeiture which can wound the feelings of any one -of the company. - - - - -CHAPTER III. - -_Of Balls, Concerts, and Public Shows._ - - -These amusements presuppose a fortune, and good _ton_; the practice of -society, therefore, and consequently a forgetfulness of the precepts of -politeness in respect to them, would be truly preposterous. - - -SECTION I. - -_Of Balls._ - -I was going to say, let us begin with private balls; but I recollect -that this denomination is no longer fashionable. We do not say, _a ball -at Madam such a one's_, but an evening party (_soirée_). Nevertheless, -when we wish to give a dance, we give the invitations a week beforehand, -that the ladies may have time to prepare articles for their toilet. - -If it is to be a simple evening party, in which we may wear a summer -walking dress, the mistress of the house gives verbal invitations and -does not omit to apprise her friends of this circumstance, or they -might appear in unsuitable dresses. If, on the contrary, the soirée is -to be in reality a ball, the invitations are written, or what is better, -printed, and expressed in the third person. - -A room appropriated for dresses, and furnished with cloak pins to hang -up the shawls and other garments of the ladies, is almost indispensable. -Domestics should be there also to aid them in taking off and putting on -their outside garments. - -We are not obliged to go exactly at the appointed hour; it is even -fashionable to go an hour later. Married ladies are accompanied by their -husbands, unmarried ones, by their mother or by a _chaperon_. These last -ladies place themselves behind the dancers; the master of the house goes -before one and another, procures seats for them, and then mingles again -among the gentlemen who are standing, and who form groups or walk about -the room. - -The toilet of all the assembly should be made with great care. A -gentleman who should appear in a riding-coat and boots, would pass for a -person of bad _ton_. - -When you are sure of a place in the dance, you go up to a lady, and ask -her if she will _do you the honor_ to dance with you. If she answers -that she is engaged, invite her for the next dance, and take care not to -address yourself afterwards to any ladies next to her, for these not -being able to refuse you, would feel hurt at being invited after -another. Never wait until the signal is given to take a partner, for -nothing is more impolite than to invite a lady hastily, and when the -dancers are already in their places; it can be allowed only when the set -is incomplete. - -A lady cannot refuse the invitation of a gentleman to dance, unless she -has already accepted that of another, for she would be guilty of an -incivility which might occasion trouble; she would besides seem to show -contempt for him whom she refused, and would expose herself to receive -an ill compliment from him. - -Married or young ladies cannot leave a ball-room or any other party -alone. The former should be accompanied by one or two other married -ladies, and the latter by their mother, or by a lady to represent her. - -We should avoid talking too much; it would occasion remarks and have a -bad appearance to whisper continually in the ear of our partner. - -The master of the house should see that all the ladies dance; he should -take notice of those who seem to serve as _drapery_ to the walls of the -ball-room, or _wall-flowers_, as the familiar expression is, and should -see that they are invited to dance. He must do this wholly unperceived, -in order not to wound the self-esteem of the unfortunate ladies. - -Gentlemen whom the master of the house requests to dance with these -ladies, should be ready to accede to his wish, and even appear pleased -at dancing with a person thus recommended to their notice. - -Ladies who dance much, ought to be very careful not to boast before -those who dance but little or not at all, of the great number of dances -for which they are engaged in advance. They should also, without being -perceived, recommend to these less fortunate ladies, gentlemen of their -acquaintance. - -In giving the hand for ladies' chain or any figures, those dancing -should wear a smile, and accompany it with a polite inclination of the -head, in the manner of a salutation. At the end of the dance, the -gentleman re-conducts the lady to her place, bows and thanks her for the -honor which she has conferred. She also curtsies in silence, smiling -with a gracious air. - -In these assemblies, we ought to conduct ourselves with reserve and -politeness towards all present, although they may be unknown to us. - -Persons who have no ear for music, that is to say, a false one, ought to -refrain from dancing. - -Never hazard taking part in a quadrille unless you know how to dance -tolerably. If you are a novice or but little skilled, you would bring -disorder into the midst of pleasure. Being once engaged to take part in -the dance, if the figures are not familiar, be careful not to advance -first. You can in this way govern your steps by those who go before you. -Beware also of taking your place in a set of dancers more skilful than -yourself. - -When an unpractised dancer makes a mistake, we may apprise him of his -error; but it would be very impolite to have the air of giving him a -lesson. - -Dance with grace and modesty; neither affect to make a parade of your -knowledge; refrain from great leaps and ridiculous jumps which would -attract the attention of all towards you. - -In a private ball or party, it is proper to show still more reserve, and -not to manifest more preference for one lady than another; we should -dance with all indiscriminately, but we may, moreover, invite the same -lady more than once. - -In public balls, a gentleman offers his partner refreshments, which she -very seldom accepts, unless she is much acquainted with him. But in -private parties, the persons who receive the company, send round cake -and other refreshments, of which each one helps himself as he pleases. -Near the end of the evening, in a well regulated ball, it is customary -to have a supper, when the gentlemen stand behind the ladies who are -seated. - -In a soirée without great preparation, we may dispense with a supper, -but refreshments are necessary; and not to have them would be the -greatest impoliteness. - -The waltz is a dance of quite too loose a character, and unmarried -ladies should refrain from it in public and private; very young married -ladies, however, may be allowed to waltz in private balls, if it is very -seldom, and with persons of their acquaintance. It is indispensable for -them to acquit themselves with dignity and decency. - -I have spoken of _public balls_, in contradistinction to private ones, -and I might also have mentioned _balls by subscription_, for, in regard -to the public balls of Paris and other large cities, we have nothing to -advise our readers but to shun them. As to masked balls, it is an -amusement altogether to be condemned, except those of the Opera. Neither -should we appear there except in a domino. - -We should retire _incognito_, not to disturb the master and mistress of -the house; we should make them during the week, a visit of thanks, at -which we may converse of the pleasure of the ball and of the good -selection of the company. - - -SECTION II. - -_Of Concerts._ - -The proprieties in deportment which concerts require, are little -different from those which are recognized in every other assembly or in -public exhibitions; for concerts partake of the one and the other, -according as they are public or private. In private concerts, the ladies -occupy the front seats, and the gentlemen are generally in groups -behind, or at the side of them. One should observe the most profound -silence, and refrain from beating time, humming the airs, applauding, or -making ridiculous gestures of admiration. Very often a dancing soirée -succeeds a concert, and billets of invitation distributed two or three -days beforehand should give notice of it to the persons invited. - -When a lady is going to perform, it is good _ton_ for a gentleman to -stand behind the chair of the performer, and turn over the leaves -attentively, if he knows how to read music. - -We ought also after an invitation to a concert, to return a visit of -thanks. - - -SECTION III. - -_Of Public Shows or Spectacles._ - -One would be deceived if he imagined that there exist no rules of -propriety to be observed in public places, where persons assemble -together, and at theatrical exhibitions. There are some general -attentions which we should manifest to those persons whom we meet there. -It would be impolite to jostle continually, and in an importunate -manner, those near whom we are placed, to step upon the dress of a lady, -or run against those who are moving at a moderate pace. - -If you go with a party to a theatrical entertainment, one of the -gentlemen should carry the tickets to the door-keeper, in older to avoid -any embarrassment to ladies on entering; and when the box is open, they -should place them in the front row, according to their age, or the -consideration they deserve. Young persons should occupy the seats -behind, and avoid leaning over too much, to the incommoding of those who -are seated in front of them. - -Gentlemen should address themselves to the attendants at the boxes, make -them a compensation, and place under their care their hats, the cloaks -and other articles of dress of the ladies; but we must not hang them -over the boxes, whether it is a pocket-handkerchief, a tippet, or a -shawl, &c.[18] Nor ought a person to turn his back to the stage; for in -that case, he exposes himself to the derision of the pit, and to hear -disagreeable remarks. Then the eyes of all would be fixed upon you; your -imprudence would excite a disturbance, which would be troublesome to the -audience. - -When a spectator of kind feelings is affected at the sight of the -misfortunes which the heroes of the play suffer, or has his sympathy -touched by the virtues which are displayed, nothing can be more annoying -to him, than to have constantly at his side, a morose critic, who, -without mercy, finds fault with the finest parts of the performance, who -sees nothing to his taste, and changes into a place of fatigue and -ennui, resorts consecrated to amusement and pleasure. It is, moreover, -almost as ridiculous to place no bounds to our applause. - -When ladies enter a box where a gentleman is seated in front of them, -propriety requires that he should offer his seat, notwithstanding they -are strangers to him, and he should insist upon their taking it, even -after they have once refused. - -If the heat incommodes you, do not open the door of the box, without the -consent of those who occupy it. - -Be very reserved at the theatre, in order not to trouble those who are -near you, and maintain a profound silence when the actors are on the -stage, so as not to interrupt the attention of persons who take an -interest in the spectacle. - -It is improper to pass too positive and severe a judgment on the -performance, or the playing of the actors, whether to make a eulogium, -or to find fault with them. One may meet persons of a contrary opinion, -and engage himself in a controversy which it is prudent to avoid. - -Between the acts, gentlemen should ask the ladies if it is agreeable to -them to walk in the entries, the saloon, or to take refreshments. They -should also ask them if they wish for a journal of the theatre or play -bill, or an opera glass; and if bouquets are sold at the door of the -theatre, it would be proper and gallant to present them with one. - -As soon as you have arrived at the outer door of the theatre, if in a -carriage, you must take care to have your party all ready at the very -moment the carriage drives up. It is necessary to do the same thing, if -you send a porter to get a hired coach. - - - [18] In some of the theatres in Paris, this is however allowed.--_T._ - - - - -CHAPTER IV. - -_Of the Duties of Hospitality._ - - -Those of my readers who from habit, or instinct, fear the least -appearance of constraint, and perhaps even in this work have found -lessons of politeness too strict, and have thought that civilization has -augmented them beyond measure, will without doubt apply the same remark -to the present chapter. But what in reality are these slight duties of -modern hospitality, in comparison to the rigorous ones of ancient times? - -When a billet of announcement has informed you, as is customary, that a -preceding invitation on your part will bring guests to your house, you -must begin and carefully arrange the apartment you intend for them. They -should have a good bed, a bureau, a fire in the winter, and everything -which can contribute to their comfort; a wash basin, water, glass -tumblers, a bottle of cologne, a sugar bowl filled, or rather a glass of -water prepared, several napkins, and everything which will contribute to -neatness, or elegance, ought to be placed in the apartment. - -These preliminaries being arranged, a little before the appointed hour, -we must go and wait upon our guests; a domestic should go with you to -bring their baggage to the house. You should embrace your friends and -congratulate them; express the pleasure you enjoy in receiving them, -inquire kindly about the incidents of their journey, and conduct them in -an earnest manner, and introduce them, by requesting them to make your -house their home; this finishes the second series of the duties of -hospitality. - -The third class of obligations, is assiduity to your guests; because -otherwise, it would seem to them, that their presence was troublesome. - -To you belongs the care of kindly offering to their view everything in -your house, in the city or in the country, which is interesting; of -making parties in honor of them, as dinner parties of their friends, or -such as it is presumed will please them; these are obligations of -hospitality which you cannot omit. When visitors show any intention of -leaving you, you ought affectionately to endeavor to retain them; -nevertheless, if their resolution seems immovable, you send to engage -their seats at the coach office; you offer them delicate refreshment, -and accompany them thither; then, taking leave of them, renew your -invitations for another visit, and your regret at not having been able -to succeed better in retaining them. - -To do the honors of one's own house, it is necessary to have tact, -address, knowledge of the world, and a great evenness of temper, and -much affability. It is necessary to forget one's-self, in order to be -occupied with others, but without hurry, or affectation; to encourage -timid persons, and put them at their ease; to enter into conversation, -directing it with address rather than sustaining it ourselves. - -The mistress of a house ought to be obliging, of an equal temper, and -attentive in accommodating herself to the particular tastes of every -one, especially to appear delighted that they are with her, and make -themselves perfectly at home. - -Guests, on their part, should show themselves contented and grateful for -the reception that is given them. They should, on departing, give a -generous remuneration to the domestics, and immediately after arriving -at home, write to the persons who have entertained them a letter of -cordial thanks. - -The duties of hospitality are of frequent recurrence, fatiguing and -troublesome, but they are an indispensable obligation. To omit them, is -to be willing to pass for a person of no education, and no delicacy, and -in short it is to place people in a most embarrassing and painful -situation. - - - - -PART IV. - -OF PROPRIETY AS REGARDS OTHER CIRCUMSTANCES. - - - - -CHAPTER I. - -_Of Marriage and Baptism._ - - -These two subjects have peculiar right to the precepts of politeness; -for the first is the closest of the social relations, and both furnish -occasions for the most brilliant fêtes. - - -SECTION I. - -_Of Marriage.[19]_ - -We usually make a profound secret of the preliminaries of marriage, -because, in case of its being broken off, we are afraid of malicious -interpretations; but, after the first words are exchanged, it is -necessary to make it known in confidence to a few intimate friends, and -those to whom we are under obligations. Afterwards, we give intelligence -of it by letter to our relations. - -A young man who solicits a lady in marriage, should be extremely devoted -and respectful; he should appear a stranger to all the details of -business which the two families discuss; he converses with his intended -particularly of their future arrangements, her tastes, the selection of -a residence, furniture, bridal presents, &c. Avoiding all misplaced -familiarity, he calls her _Miss_ until returning from church, on the day -of marriage; he accompanies her in all assemblies, and shows himself a -devoted suitor. - -When the banns of matrimony have been published, it is customary at -Paris for a bouquet-maker to come to adorn the bride, presenting her -with a bouquet. This attention requires a remuneration. - -The marriage is declared in two ways. We invite three or four days -beforehand persons of our acquaintance to assist in the nuptial -benediction, and we specify precisely the time and place where the -ceremony will be performed. As to the legal act, which is performed by -civil authority, we invite only witnesses and near relations. - -If a person is invited to assist at the repast or fête which follows the -marriage, we make express mention of it at the bottom of the letters of -invitation.[20] - -We simply communicate the fact of the marriage to those who have been -invited neither to the nuptial ceremony, nor to the entertainment. -Propriety requires that the person invited to the marriage ceremony -should come, or send an excuse if it is impossible to be present. A -simple letter of announcement to uninvited persons, requires only a -visit or two; the first of which is made by card. - -Presents are usually the preliminaries of a marriage: those which the -gentleman makes his intended wife, are called _wedding presents_; they -consist of different articles of the toilet, a set of diamonds, &c. Some -persons content themselves with sending a purse containing a sum of -money in gold, for the purchase of these things: the young lady then -spends it as she thinks proper. The married gentleman is moreover to -make a present to each of the brothers and sisters of his intended. - -The young lady, on her part, gives some present to her bridemaid: she -often presents her with a dress or some ornament, and she receives in -her turn from the other, a girdle, gloves, and a bouquet of orange -flowers. Since we have spoken of marriage presents, we will add that at -Paris the married lady must receive a gift from her sisters and cousins, -and that in the provincial towns, on the contrary, she must offer them -some token. - -We will now pass to the ceremony: after the celebration of the legal -act, which may be some days previous, the married couple, followed by -their parents, commonly go to the church in the carriages which -conducted them to the office where the legal act was performed; for at -Paris, whatever situation in life the parties may be in, they never go -on foot. The married lady goes in one carriage with her relations and -the bridemaid; the gentleman in another carriage with his father and -mother, or his nearest relatives. - -The acquaintances of the two married persons, repair to the church at -the appointed hour; the friends of the gentleman place themselves on the -right, those of the lady on the left hand, on seats prepared beforehand. - -The marriage train then advances in the following order; the lady gives -her hand to her father, or to one who represents him; then comes the -gentleman with his mother, or the lady who represents her, and -afterwards the members of the two families follow in couples. - -When the couple and their relations approach the altar, each of the -persons present bows to them in silence; the relations place themselves -in the same order as the acquaintances, and before the latter, in the -front row, which should be reserved for them. The couple to be married -are placed in the middle. Although it is polite always to present the -right hand to the lady whom we conduct, or to give her the right when we -are next her, yet the bridegroom takes the right of the bride, because, -in this act, which is at once religious and civil, man ought to preserve -the prerogative which the law both human and divine have conferred upon -him; besides, as the bridegroom is to place the nuptial ring on the -finger of the bride, it is more convenient for him to be upon the right -hand than the left. - -When the clergyman puts the questions to them, each should consult their -relations by a respectful sign of the head, before answering the -decisive _yes_. - -The veil is held over the head of the bride by two children whose -parents we wish to compliment. The business of the bridemaid who has -presided at the toilet of the bride, is to designate their places at -the religious ceremony in church; and afterwards, at the ball, is to -supply the place of the bride, who can take no active part; it is -usually one of her sisters or a most intimate friend who is chosen for -this purpose. - -The groomsman, for there should be one or even more, looks well to the -list of those invited to the ceremony, to see what persons are absent, -because it is the custom of married persons not to make the marriage -visit to any one who has been guilty of this impoliteness. - -The married gentleman must give presents to the attendants at the -church, the poor, &c. - -After the nuptial benediction, the married couple again salute the -assembly, and then receive the compliments of each one. There are some -families in a more humble situation, where the married lady is embraced -by all at the marriage ceremony; in those in a higher station in life, -she embraces only her father, her mother, and her new relations. - -The new husband gives his hand to his wife when returning from the -church; nevertheless at dinner he should be placed between his mother -and his mother-in-law, while his wife is to be seated between her father -and father-in-law. - -In case there is a supper, the married couple sit next each other. - -The married lady opens the ball with the most distinguished person in -the assembly; she retires privately, accompanied by her mother, and one -or more near relations whom they wish to compliment. - -The newly married couple make marriage visits in the course of a -fortnight, in a carriage, and in full dress. They should make these -visits alone. They leave their cards for those with whom they do not -wish to be intimate. - -Such are the received usages in the capital. In the provinces, many of -the old and common customs are preserved, as the gift of a laced shirt -bosom to the husband by his wife; wedding favors or ribbands for the -wife, ribbands of two colors with which they decorate the young persons -in the marriage suite, &c. - - - [19] The greater part of the marriage ceremonies here described, are - according to the usages of Catholic countries, but some of them - are applicable to our own; and it has been thought that it would - be interesting to American readers to retain the whole as in the - original.--_T._ - - [20] These letters are usually duplicates, for the invitation should - appear to be given by the parents of both the future couple. - - -SECTION II. - -_Of Baptism.[21]_ - -We must invite several months beforehand the godfather and godmother of -the child that is to be baptized. If the ties of blood have given you a -right to this onerous duty, you cannot dispense with it. If not, you -can seek a specious excuse. - -When one has consented to hold the infant at the baptismal font, he -should perform this duty in a becoming manner, and according to his own -condition and that of the parents of the child. - -A present should be given to the mother, and this present usually -consists of confectionary. We must also give one to the godmother, a -pair of white gloves and comfits; if she is a young person, she commonly -receives a bouquet of white flowers in addition. If the godfather wishes -to show her any attention, he can add to the presents an elegant and -valuable object, such as a fan; but in that case it is good _ton_ for -the godmother to send in return some rich and tasteful present. She also -has the honor of giving to the child a cap, and often a baptismal robe. -To her also belongs the duty of putting the first dress on the child. - -The attendant and the nurse have also a present. - -The officers of the church, and the poor, should each receive a gratuity -proportionate to their condition. We simply put a piece of money into -the hands of the humbler persons; but we present the clergyman with a -box of presents in which is enclosed a piece of gold or silver. - -Persons of a very high class in order to free their friends from these -expenses, send their domestics to present their children at the -baptismal font. This is a most unbecoming custom; it seems to consider -this holy consecration as a slavish ceremony, and destroys at its source -the sentiment of respect and affection, that a godson or daughter should -inspire in those who have adopted them before God. - -At whatever hour the ceremony is appointed, we go to the church in a -carriage at the expense of the godfather. He and the godmother pass in -first; then comes the infant borne by its nurse or a matron; then the -father, who accompanies the other invited persons. - -It is the custom in many houses to give, after returning from the -baptism, an elegant entertainment, of which the godfather and godmother -receive all the honor. Above all, they should give their godchild new -year's gifts while it is a child, and manifest their affection during -the whole of its life. - - - [21] Most of the observances which follow, as well as those in the - section on marriage, have more particular reference to the forms - of the Catholic and Episcopal churches.--_T._ - - - - -CHAPTER II. - -_Of Duties toward the Unfortunate._ - - -Propriety, the guide of all our relations, cannot remain a stranger to -the unfortunate; that which takes possession of all our sentiments, -cannot forget to pity. It is in this light that it is peculiarly -touching, that it is almost religious, since it even contributes to bind -closer this first, this powerful tie of humanity. - - -SECTION I. - -_Of Duties toward the Sick, Infirm, and Unfortunate._ - -When any one of your acquaintance is ill, you should regularly send a -domestic, to inquire after their health, every day, or every other day, -according to the virulence and nature of the disease. If there is -immediate danger, we should send to inquire even twice a day. From time -to time, you should send to know whether the sick person can see any -one, because in that case you must go and testify in person, all your -interest. You should continue to obtain information about their health -until their recovery or death. - -Our visits to the sick should be very short, silent, and reserved. We -should address to them words of interest in a low voice, and speak -softly to the member of the family who takes charge of them. We ask him -who is his physician, what is the treatment; we urge every motive of -consolation and hope; we ought hardly to reply to the questions the -person in attendance asks, with regard to our own health, or business, -and we retire reiterating the proofs of our interest. If the person is -convalescent or only indisposed, you address a thousand questions -concerning their complaints; you sympathize with them, praise their -patience, and describe to them the pleasant image of returning health. -You must be on your guard not to say that you find their features much -changed, that their recovery may be slow, &c. - -To speak these truths is very mal-apropos, and with reason; you would -pass for having an unfeeling heart, or, rather, a limited understanding. - -When sufferings and troubles assume a virulent aspect, and resist all -the efforts of medical skill, they are infirmities indeed, and a silence -the most absolute and rigorous with respect to them, should be -observed. - -Not only ought you never to speak to an infirm person of his misfortune, -but you should also carefully avoid mentioning any person who is -afflicted in the same way, and of thus alluding indirectly to his own -case. - -The only occasion when this is allowed, is where you can make it appear -to him that the comforts of which he is deprived are not so permanent -but that you have experienced similar inconveniences from the same -cause. Thus to a lame person, you might say that you yourself are -fatigued with walking, that your own legs are not firm, &c. If the -infirmity is not too visible, and the poor subject speaks to you of it, -assure him earnestly that you should not have observed it. If he -complains to you, offer him motives of consolation, and take care that -you change the subject of conversation before he does, for you might -make him think that you are importuning him about his malady. Finally, -do all in your power to comfort him. If he is afflicted with imperfect -sight, place objects near him, but without affectation, and without -having the air of making him think that he requires your assistance, -neither permit him to thank you. If he is troubled with deafness, you -must not speak unreasonably loud; bring back the attention of the -unfortunate person to the subject of your conversation by skilful and -delicate transitions, and not abruptly say to him, _We were speaking of -such a thing_. This is much trouble, perhaps you will say. Trouble to -console people! Why, you take more to please them! - -Persons who are reduced in circumstances, keep up in their misfortune -(at least in society) their habits of opulence; and to manage with such -persons requires not a little skill. - -If they invite you to their frugal repasts, if they offer you any -presents, let not the fear of occasioning them expense, induce you to -refuse with warmth, and with obstinacy; you would wound them deeply. -Accept them, and seek an opportunity of repaying with interest, these -proofs of their politeness. Do not speak to them first of their sad -situation; but if they introduce the subject themselves, receive their -confidence with a respectful and affectionate attention. Show how much -you are affected with that which grieves them, and without forgetting -discretion, endeavor, in appearance at least, to render them confidence -for confidence. - - -SECTION II. - -_Of Funerals and Mourning._ - -When we lose any one of our family, we should give intelligence of it to -all persons who have had relations of business or friendship with the -deceased. This letter of _announcement_ usually contains an invitation -to assist at the service and burial. - -On receiving this invitation, we should go to the house of the deceased, -and follow the body as far as the church. We are excused from -accompanying it to the burying-ground, unless it be a relation, a -friend, or a superior. If we go as far as the burying-ground, we must -give the first carriages to the relations or most intimate friends of -the deceased. We should walk with the head uncovered, silently, and with -a sad and thoughtful mien. Relations ought not, from considerations of -propriety, to give themselves up too much to their grief. You will owe a -visit to persons who have invited you, if you have not been able to -accept their invitation. If you have attended the ceremony, then they -are the ones that owe the visit. - -At an interment or funeral service, the members of the family are -entitled to the first places; they are nearest to the coffin, whether in -the procession, or in the church. The nearest relations go in a full -mourning dress. It is not customary at Paris for women to follow the -procession; and, nowhere do they go quite to the grave, unless they are -of a low class. A widower or a widow, a father or mother, are not -present at the interment, or funeral service of those whom they have -lost. The first are presumed not to be able to support the afflicting -ceremony; the second ought not to show this mark of deference. - -There are two kinds of mourning, the full and the half mourning. The -full mourning is worn for a father, mother, grandfather, grandmother, -husband, wife, brother and sister. It is divided into three periods.[22] -For the first six weeks, we wear only woollen garments; in the six weeks -following, we wear silk, and the three last months, we mingle white with -the black. - -Half mourning is worn for uncles, aunts, cousins, and second cousins. -The first fortnight we wear black silk, and the last week, white mixed -with black. - -Custom requires that a woman should wear mourning for her husband a year -and six weeks, while that of a widower is only six months. This -difference, which may appear singular, is founded upon reasons of -convenience and social relations. - -In the three first months of mourning for her husband, a woman wears -only woollen garments; the six first weeks, her head dress and -neck-kerchief are black crape or gauze; in the six following weeks, -they are white crape or linen. The next six months, she dresses in black -silk; in winter, gros de Naples; in summer, taffetas. Head dress, white -crape. The three last months, she wears black and white, and the six -last weeks, white only. - -The mourning on the death of a wife, is a black cloth coat without -buttons,[23] dark shoes, woollen hose, black buckles, and a sword-knot -of crape, if the person carries one. At the end of six weeks, we may -wear a black coat with buttons, black silk hose, silver buckles, and a -black ribband upon the sword. The half mourning of the three last months -is a black coat, a sword and silver buckles, white silk stockings, and a -sword-knot of black and white. - -It is altogether contrary to propriety to select for yourself at the -shops the articles of mourning, to have them made in your presence, or -to make them yourself; and, for a fortnight at least, and sometimes even -for the six first weeks, ladies ought not to sew, even while receiving -their relations and intimate friends, so much are they supposed to be -depressed by their affliction. - -During forty days we do not leave the house, except to go to church; it -would be very improper to visit, dine out, or go to any assembly during -the first mourning. When this time has expired, we make visits of -mourning, and go out a little more, but we cannot yet appear in public -promenades, at spectacles or balls; we cannot sing, even at home. It is -only at the time of half mourning that we resume by degrees our former -habits of life. - -For ten days at least, after the death of a very near relation, it would -be very reprehensible for people whose profession recalls ideas of -pleasure, as musicians, or dancing masters, to return to their -employment. - -In full mourning, we should wear neither curls nor perfumes. To be -present at a funeral, or even to look at one passing, are forbidden at -this time. Attending a funeral service, other than that of a relation, -is equally prohibited. Excepting during this period, it is impolite not -to attend when invited to the funeral service of your acquaintances. You -should appear there in mourning. At the funeral service, as well as at -the interment, the male relatives go first, and then those invited; the -female relatives go next, and are followed by other ladies. - -If we marry a person who is in mourning, we put on black the day after -our marriage; the time preceding is reckoned as if the mourning had been -worn. On the contrary, if we ourselves are married again at a time when -the death of a relation by our former marriage requires this sombre -dress, we leave it off immediately, since our new union annuls the -former alliance. - -Visits which are paid to persons in mourning, are called visits of -condolence. In making them, we observe silence, and never inquire about -their health; this would be out of place. A gentleman offers them his -hand, a lady embraces them, even though they are but slightly -acquainted. We refrain from conversing on too gay or personal subjects. - -If we are at a distance, we testify by letter our sympathy in the -misfortune which afflicts them. Their grief cannot excuse them from -answering us, but it is not immediately necessary. - -With this subject, we shall conclude our treatise of politeness; hoping -that, having arrived at this point, our readers may say, 'Without any -doubt the work is full and methodical;' we shall not dare to flatter -ourselves with more, but this is enough, for it is being sure that our -labor has been useful. - -We trust then that we have rendered an essential service to youth, in -making them acquainted with these rules, which have become so necessary; -in truth, politeness, on which at the present day we pride ourselves, is -a virtue which we ought never to renounce, since it gives to the -intercourse of life, that sweetness, pleasure, elegance and charm which -can be truly felt only by those who possess it. As the intellectual -Madam Lambert has said, 'Politeness is the desire of pleasing those with -whom we are obliged to live, and in a manner causing all around us to be -satisfied with us; superiors, with our respect; equals, with our esteem; -and inferiors, with our kindness.' - - - [22] Several of the particulars which follow, are not observed in - this country.--_T._ - - [23] It is not the custom among us to dispense with buttons.--_T._ - - - - -Transcriber's Notes - - -Inconsistent hyphenation retained as originally printed -(à-propos/àpropos, fire-place/fireplace, re-conduct/reconduct) - -Inconsistent and archaic spelling retained as originally printed -(visitor/visiter, every thing/everything, ancle, accessary, -bridemaid, inquiet, pantomine, secrecy, synonyme) - - - - - -End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Gentleman and Lady's Book of -Politeness and Propriety of Deportment, Dedicated to the Youth of Both Sexes, by Elisabeth Celnart - -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK GENTLEMAN, LADY'S BOOK OF POLITENESS *** - -***** This file should be named 40901-8.txt or 40901-8.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: - http://www.gutenberg.org/4/0/9/0/40901/ - -Produced by Julia Miller, David Wilson and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This -book was produced from scanned images of public domain -material from the Google Print project.) - - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions -will be renamed. - -Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no -one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation -(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without -permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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