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The reader -gratifies his curiosity in pursuing the adventures of a person in -whose favour he is prepossessed; he espouses his cause, he sympathises -with him in his distress, his indignation is heated against the -authors of his calamity: the humane passions are inflamed; the -contrast between dejected virtue and insulting vice appears with -greater aggravation, and every impression having a double force -on the imagination, the memory retains the circumstance, and the -heart improves by the example. The attention is not tired with a -bare catalogue of characters, but agreeably diverted with all the -variety of invention; and the vicissitudes of life appear in their -peculiar circumstances, opening an ample field for wit and humour. - -Romance, no doubt, owes its origin to ignorance, vanity, and -superstition. In the dark ages of the World, when a man had rendered -himself famous for wisdom or valour, his family and adherents availed -themselves of his superior qualities, magnified his virtues, and -represented his character and person as sacred and supernatural. -The vulgar easily swallowed the bait, implored his protection, and -yielded the tribute of homage and praise, even to adoration; his -exploits were handed down to posterity with a thousand exaggerations; -they were repeated as incitements to virtue; divine honours were -paid, and altars erected to his memory, for the encouragement of -those who attempted to imitate his example; and hence arose the -heathen mythology, which is no other than a collection of extravagant -romances. As learning advanced, and genius received cultivation, -these stories were embellished with the graces of poetry, that they -might the better recommend themselves to the attention; they were -sung in public, at festivals, for the instruction and delight of -the audience; and rehearsed before battle, as incentives to deeds -of glory. Thus tragedy and the epic muse were born, and, in the -progress of taste, arrived at perfection. It is no wonder that the -ancients could not relish a fable in prose, after they had seen -so many remarkable events celebrated in verse by their best poets; -we therefore find no romance among them during the era of their -excellence, unless the Cyropaedia of Xenophon may be so called; -and it was not till arts and sciences began to revive after the -irruption of the barbarians into Europe, that anything of this kind -appeared. But when the minds of men were debauched by the imposition -of priestcraft to the most absurd pitch of credulity, the authors -of romance arose, and losing sight of probability, filled their -performances with the most monstrous hyperboles. If they could not -equal the ancient poets in point of genius. they were resolved to -excel them in fiction, and apply to the wonder, rather than the -judgment, of their readers. Accordingly, they brought necromancy to -their aid, and instead of supporting the character of their heroes -by dignity of sentiment and practice, distinguished them by their -bodily strength, activity, and extravagance of behaviour. Although -nothing could be more ludicrous and unnatural than the figures -they drew, they did not want patrons and admirers; and the world -actually began to be infected with the spirit of knight-errantry, -when Cervantes, by an inimitable piece of ridicule, reformed the -taste of mankind, representing chivalry in the right point of view, -and converting romance to purposes far more useful and entertaining, -by making it assume the sock, and point out the follies of ordinary -life. - -The same method has been practised by other Spanish and French -authors, and by none more successfully than by Monsieur Le Sage, -who, in his Adventures of Gil Blas, has described the knavery and -foibles of life, with infinite humour and sagacity. The following -sheets I have modelled on his plan, taking me liberty, however, to -differ from him in the execution, where I thought his particular -situations were uncommon, extravagant, or peculiar to the country -in which the scene is laid. The disgraces of Gil Blas are, for the -most part, such as rather excite mirth than compassion; he himself -laughs at them; and his transitions from distress to happiness, or -at least ease, are so sudden, that neither the reader has time to -pity him, nor himself to be acquainted with affliction. This conduct, -in my opinion, not only deviates from probability, but prevents -that generous indignation, which ought to animate the reader against -the sordid and vicious disposition of the world. I have attempted -to represent modest merit struggling with every difficulty to which -a friendless orphan is exposed, from his own want of experience, as -well as from the selfishness, envy, malice, and base indifference -of mankind. To secure a favourable prepossession, I have allowed -him the advantages of birth and education, which in the series of -his misfortunes will, I hope, engage the ingenuous more warmly in -his behalf; and though I foresee, that some people will be offended -at the mean scenes in which he is involved, I persuade myself that -the judicious will not only perceive the necessity of describing -those situations to which he must of course be confined, in his -low estate, but also find entertainment in viewing those parts of -life, where the humours and passions are undisguised by affectation, -ceremony, or education; and the whimsical peculiarities -of disposition appear as nature has implanted them. But I believe -I need not trouble myself in vindicating a practice authorized by -the best writers in this way, some of whom I have already named. - -Every intelligent reader will, at first sight, perceive I have not -deviated from nature in the facts, which are all true in the main, -although the circumstances are altered and disguised, to avoid -personal satire. - -It now remains to give my reasons for making the chief personage of -this work a North Briton, which are chiefly these: I could, at a -small expense, bestow on him such education as I thought the dignity -of his birth and character required, which could not possibly be -obtained in England, by such slender means as the nature of my plan -would afford. lit the next place, I could represent simplicity of -manners in a remote part of the kingdom, with more propriety than -in any place near the capital; and lastly, the disposition of the -Scots, addicted to travelling, justifies my conduct in deriving -an adventurer from that country. That the delicate reader may not -be offended at the unmeaning oaths which proceed from the mouths -of some persons in these memoirs, I beg leave to promise, that -I imagined nothing could more effectually expose the absurdity of -such miserable expletives, than a natural and verbal representation -of the discourse in which they occur. - - - - - -APOLOGUE - - - - -A young painter, indulging a vein of pleasantry, sketched a kind of -conversation piece, representing a bear, an owl, a monkey, and an -ass; and to render it more striking, humorous, and moral, distinguished -every figure by some emblem of human life. Bruin was exhibited in -the garb and attitude of an old, toothless, drunken soldier; the -owl perched upon the handle of a coffee-pot, with spectacle on -nose, seemed to contemplate a newspaper; and the ass, ornamented -with a huge tie-wig (which, however, could not conceal his long -ears), sat for his picture to the monkey, who appeared with the -implements of painting. This whimsical group afforded some mirth, -and met with general approbation, until some mischievous wag hinted -that the whole--was a lampoon upon the friends of the performer; an -insinuation which was no sooner circulated than those very people -who applauded it before began to be alarmed, and even to fancy -themselves signified by the several figures of the piece. - -Among others, a worthy personage in years, who had served in the army -with reputation, being incensed at the Supposed outrage, repaired -to the lodging of the painter, and finding him at home, "Hark ye, -Mr. Monkey," said he, "I have a good mind to convince you, that -though the bear has lost his teeth, he retains his paws, and that -he is not so drunk but he can perceive your impertinence." "Sblood! -sir, that toothless jaw is a d--ned scandalous libel--but don't -yon imagine me so chopfallen as not to be able to chew the cud of -resentment." Here he was interrupted by the arrival of a learned -physician, who, advancing to the culprit with fury in his aspect, -exclaimed, "Suppose the augmentation of the ass's ears should prove -the diminution of the baboon's--nay, seek not to prevaricate, for, -by the beard of Aesculapius! there is not one hair in this periwig -that will not stand up in judgment to convict thee of personal -abuse. Do but observe, captain, how this pitiful little fellow has -copied the very curls-the colour, indeed, is different, but then -the form and foretop are quite similar." While he thus remonstrated -in a strain of vociferation, a venerable senator entered, and -waddling up to the delinquent, "Jackanapes!" cried he, "I will now -let thee see I can read something else than a newspaper, and that -without the help of spectacles: here is your own note of hand, -sirrah, for money, which if I had not advanced, you yourself would -have resembled an owl, in not daring to show your face by day, you -ungrateful slanderous knave!" - -In vain the astonished painter declared that he had no intention to -give offence, or to characterise particular persons: they affirmed -the resemblance was too palpable to be overlooked; they taxed him -with insolence, malice, and ingratitude; and their clamours being -overheard by the public, the captain was a bear, the doctor an ass, -and the senator an owl, to his dying day. - ------ - -Christian reader, I beseech thee, in the bowels of the Lord, -remember this example "while thou art employed in the perusal of -the following sheets; and seek not to appropriate to thyself that -which equally belongs to five hundred different people. If thou -shouldst meet with a character that reflects thee in some ungracious -particular, keep thy own counsel; consider that one feature makes -not a face, and that though thou art, perhaps, distinguished by a -bottle nose, twenty of thy neighbours may be in the same predicament." - - - - - -THE ADVENTURES OF RODERICK RANDOM - - - - - -CHAPTER I - - - - -Of my Birth and Education - - -I was born in the northern part of this united kingdom, in the -house of my grand. father, a gentleman of considerable fortune and -influence, who had on many occasions signalised himself in behalf -of his country; and was remarkable for his abilities in the law, -which he exercised with great success in the station of a judge, -particularly against beggars, for whom he had a singular aversion. - -My father (his youngest son) falling in love with a poor relation, -who lived with the old gentleman in quality of a housekeeper, -espoused her privately; and I was the first fruit of that marriage. -During her pregnancy, a dream discomposed my mother so much that her -husband, tired with her importunity, at last consulted a highland -seer, whose favourable interpretation he would have secured -beforehand by a bribe, but found him incorruptible. She dreamed -she was delivered of a tennis-ball, which the devil (who, to her -great surprise, acted the part of a midwife) struck so forcibly -with a racket that it disappeared in an instant; and she was for -some time inconsolable for the lost of her offspring; when, all on -a sudden, she beheld it return with equal violence, and enter the -earth, beneath her feet, whence immediately sprang up a goodly -tree covered with blossoms, the scent of which operated so strongly -on her nerves that she awoke. The attentive sage, after some -deliberation, assured my parents, that their firstborn would be a -great traveller; that he would undergo many dangers and difficulties, -and at last return to his native land, where he would flourish in -happiness and reputation. How truly this was foretold will appear -in the sequel. It was not long before some officious person informed -my grandfather of certain familiarities that passed between his son -and housekeeper which alarmed him so much that, a few days after, -he told my father it was high time for him to think of settling; and -that he had provided a match for him, to which he could in justice -have no objections. My father, finding it would be impossible to -conceal his situation much longer, frankly owned what he had done; -and excused himself for not having asked the consent of his father, -by saying, he knew it would have. been to no Purpose; and that, had -his inclination been known, my grandfather might have taken such -measures as would have effectually put the gratification of it out -of his power: he added, that no exceptions could be taken to his -wife's virtue, birth, beauty, and good sense, and as for fortune, -it was beneath his care. The old gentleman, who kept all his -passions, except one, in excellent order, heard him to an end with -great temper, and then calmly asked, how he proposed to maintain -himself and spouse? He replied, he could be in no danger of wanting -while his father's tenderness remained, which he and his wife should -always cultivate with the utmost veneration; and he was persuaded -his allowance would be suitable to the dignity and circumstances -of his family, and to the provision already made for his brothers -and sisters, who were happily settled under his protection. "Your -brothers and sisters," said my grandfather, "did not think it beneath -them to consult me in an affair of such importance as matrimony; -neither, I suppose, would you have omitted that piece of duty, -had you not some secret fund in reserve; to the comforts of which -I leave you, with a desire that you will this night seek out another -habitation for yourself and wife, whither, in a short time, I will -send you an account of the ex pens I have been at in your education, -with a view of being reimbursed. Sir, you have made the grand -tour--you are a polite gentleman--a very pretty gentleman--I wish -you a great deal of joy, and am your very humble servant." - -So saying, he left my father in a situation easily imagined. However, -be did not long hesitate; for, being perfectly well acquainted -with his father's disposition, he did not doubt that he was glad -of this pretence to get rid of him; and his resolves being as -invariable as the laws of the Medes and Persians, he know it would -be to no purpose to attempt him by prayers and entreaties; so without -any farther application, he betook himself, with his disconsolate -bedfellow to a farm-house, where an old servant of his mother dwelt: -there they remained some time in a situation but ill adapted to -the elegance of their desires and tenderness of their love; which -nevertheless my father chose to endure, rather than supplicate -an unnatural and inflexible parent but my mother, foreseeing the -inconveniences to which she must have been exposed, bad she been -delivered in this place (and her pregnancy was very far advanced), -without communicating her design to her husband, went in disguise -to the house of my grand. father, hoping that her tears and condition -would move him to compassion, and reconcile him to an event which -was now irrecoverably past. - -She found means to deceive the servants, and get introduced as -an unfortunate lady, who wanted to complain of some matrimonial -grievances, it being my grandfather's particular province to -decide in all cases of scandal. She was accordingly admitted into -his presence, where, discovering herself, she fell at his feet, -and in the most affecting manner implored his forgiveness; at the -same the same time representing the danger that threatened not -only her life, but that of his own grandchild, which was about to -see the light. He told her he was sorry that the indiscretion of her -and his son had compelled him to make a vow, which put it out of -his power to give them any assistance; that he had already imparted -his thoughts on that subject to her husband, and was surprised that -they should disturb his peace with any farther importunity. This -said, he retired. - -The violence of my mother's affliction had such an effect on -her constitution that she was immediately seized with the pains -of childbed; and had not an old maidservant, to whom she was very -dear, afforded her pity and assistance, at the hazard of incurring -my grandfather's displeasure, she and the innocent fruit of her womb -must have fallen miserable victims to his rigour and inhumanity. By -the friendship of this poor woman she was carried up to a garret, -and immediately delivered of a man child, the story of whose -unfortunate birth he himself now relates. My father, being informed -of what had happened, flew to the embraces of his darling spouse, -and while he loaded his offspring with paternal embraces, could not -forbear shedding a flood of tears on beholding the dear partner of -his heart (for whose ease he would have sacrificed the treasures -of the east) stretched upon a flock bed, in a miserable apartment, -unable to protect her from the inclemencies of the weather. It -is not to be supposed that the old gentleman was ignorant of what -passed, though he affected to know nothing of the matter, and -pretended to be very much surprised, when one of his grandchildren, -by his eldest son deceased, who lived with him as his heir apparent, -acquainted him with the affair; he determined therefore to observe -no medium, but immediately (on the third day after her delivery) -sent her a peremptory order to be gone, and turned off the servant -who had preserved her life. This behaviour so exasperated my father -that he had recourse to the most dreadful imprecations; and on -his bare knees implored that Heaven would renounce him if ever he -should forget or forgive the barbarity of his sire. - -The injuries which this unhappy mother received from her removal in -such circumstances, and the want of necessaries where she lodged, -together with her grief and anxiety of mind, soon threw her into -a languishing disorder, which put an end to her life. My father, -who loved her tenderly, was so affected with her death that he -remained six weeks deprived of his senses; during which time, the -people where he lodged carried the infant to the old man who relented -so far, on hearing the melancholy story of his daughter-in-law's -death, and the deplorable condition of his son, as to send the -child to nurse, and he ordered my father to be carried home to his -house, where he soon recovered the use of his reason. - -Whether this hardhearted judge felt any remorse for his cruel -treatment of his son and daughter, or (which is more probable) -was afraid his character would suffer in the neighbourhood, he -professed great sorrow for his conduct to my father, whose delirium -was succeeded by a profound melancholy and reserve. At length he -disappeared, and, notwithstanding all imaginable inquiry, could -not be heard of; a circumstance which confirmed most people in the -opinion of his having made away with himself in a fit of despair. -How I understood the particulars of my birth will appear in the -course of these memoirs. - - - - - -CHAPTER II - - - - -I grow up--am hated by my Relations--sent to School--neglected by -my Grandfather--maltreated by my Master--seasoned to Adversity--I -form Cabals against the Pedant--am debarred Access to my -Grandfather--hunted by his Heir--I demolish the Teeth of his Tutor - - -There were not wanting some who suspected my uncles of being -concerned in my father's fate, on the supposition that they would -all share in the patrimony destined for him; and this conjecture -was strengthened by reflecting that in all his calamities they -never discovered the least inclination to serve him; but, on the -contrary, by all the artifices in their power, fed his resentment -and supported his resolution of leaving him to misery and want. -But people of judgment treated this insinuation as an idle chimera; -because, had my relations been so wicked as to consult their interest -by committing such an atrocious crime, the fate of my father would -have extended to me too whose life was another obstacle to their -expectation. Meanwhile, I grew apace, and as I strongly resembled -my father, who was the darling of the tenants, I wanted nothing -which their indigent circumstances could afford: but their favour -was a weak resource against the jealous enmity of my cousins; who -the more my infancy promised, conceived the more implacable hatred -against me: and before I was six years of age, had so effectually -blockaded my grandfather that I never saw him but by stealth, when -I sometimes made up to his chair as he sat to view his labourers -in the field: on which occasion he would stroke my head, bid me be -a good boy, and promise to take care of me. - -I was soon after sent to school at a village hard by, of which he -had been dictator time out of mind; but as he never paid for my -board, nor supplied me with clothes, books, and other necessaries -I required, my condition was very ragged and contemptible, and -the schoolmaster, who, through fear of my grandfather, taught me -gratis, gave himself no concern about the progress I made under -his instruction. In spite of all these difficulties and disgraces, -I became a good proficient in the Latin tongue; and, as soon as -I could write tolerably, pestered my grandfather with letters to -such a degree that he sent for my master, and chid him severely for -bestowing such pains on my education, telling him that, if ever I -should be brought to the gallows for forgery, which he had taught -me to commit, my blood would lie on his head. - -The pedant, who dreaded nothing more than the displeasure of his -patron, assured his honour that the boy's ability was more owing -to his own genius and application than to any instruction or -encouragement he received; that, although he could not divest him -of the knowledge he had already imbibed, unless he would empower -him to disable his fingers, he should endeavour, with God's help, -to prevent his future improvement. And, indeed, he punctually -performed what he had undertaken; for, on pretence that I had -written impertinent letters to my grandfather, he caused a board to -be made with five holes in it, through which he thrust the fingers -and thumb of my right hand, and fastened it by whipcord to my wrist, -in such a manner as effectually debarred me the use of my pen. -But this restraint I was freed from in a few days, by an accident -which happened in a quarrel between me and another boy; who, taking -upon him to insult my poverty, I was so incensed at his ungenerous -reproach that with one stroke with my machine I cut him to the -skull, to the great terror of myself and schoolfellows, who left -him bleeding on the ground, and ran to inform the master of what -had happened. I was so severely punished for this trespass that, -were I to live to the age of Methusalem, the impression it made on -me would not be effaced; the more than the antipathy and horror I -conceived for the merciless tyrant who inflicted it. The contempt -which my appearance naturally produced in all who saw me, the continual -wants to which I was exposed, and my own haughty disposition, -impatient of affronts, involved me in a thousand troublesome -adventures, by which I was at length inured in adversity, and -emboldened to undertakings far above my years. I was often inhumanly -scourged for crimes I did not commit, because, having the character of -a vagabond in the village, every piece of mischief, whose author -lay unknown, was charged upon me. I have been found guilty of -robbing orchards I never entered, of killing cats I never hunted, -of stealing gingerbread I never touched, and of abusing old women -I never saw. Nay, a stammering carpenter had eloquence enough to -persuade my master that I fired a pistol loaded with small shot into -his window; though my landlady and the whole family bore witness -that I was abed fast asleep at the time when this outrage was -committed, I was once flogged for having narrowly escaped drowning, -by the sinking of a ferry boat in which I was passenger. Another -time, for having recovered of a bruise occasioned by a horse and -cart running over me. A third time, for being bitten by a baker's -dog. In short, whether I was guilty or unfortunate, the correction -and sympathy of this arbitrary pedagogue were the same. - -Far from being subdued by this informal usage, my indignation -triumphed over that slavish awe which had hitherto enforced my -obedience; and the more my years and knowledge increased, the more -I perceived the injustice and barbarity of his behaviour. By the -help of an uncommon genius, and the advice and direction of our -usher, who had served my father in his travels, I made a surprising -progress in the classics, writing, and arithmetic; so that, before -I was twelve years old, I was allowed by everybody to be the best -scholar in the school. This qualification, together with the boldness -of temper and strength of make which had subjected almost all my -contemporaries, gave me such influence over them that I began to -form cabals against my persecutor; and was in hope of, being able -to bid him defiance in a very short time. Being at the head of a -faction, consisting of thirty boys, most of them of my own age, I -was determined to put their mettle to trial, that I might know how -far they were to be depended upon, before I put my grand scheme in -execution: with this view, we attacked a body of stout apprentices, -who bad taken possession of a part of the ground allotted to us for -the scheme of our diversions, and who were then playing at ninepins -on the spot; but I had the mortification to see my adherents routed -in an instant, and a leg of one of them broke in his flight by the -bowl, which one of our adversaries had detached in pursuit of us. -This discomfiture did not hinder us from engaging them afterwards -in frequent skirmishes, which we maintained by throwing stones -at a distance, wherein I received many wounds, the scars of which -still remain. Our enemies were so harassed and interrupted by these -alarms that they at last abandoned their conquest, and left us to -the peaceable enjoyment of our own territories. - -It would be endless to enumerate the exploits we performed in the -course of this confederacy, which became the terror of the whole -village; insomuch that, when different interests divided it, one -of the parties commonly courted the assistance of Roderick Random -(by which name I was known) to cast the balance, and keep the -opposite faction in awe. Meanwhile, I took the advantage of every -play-day to present myself before my grandfather, to whom I seldom -found access, by reason of his being closely besieged by a numerous -family of his female grandchildren, who, though they perpetually -quarrelled among themselves, never failed to join against me, as the -common enemy of all. His heir, who was about the age of eighteen, -minded nothing but fox-hunting, and indeed was qualified for nothing -else, notwithstanding his grandfather's indulgence in entertaining -a tutor for him at home; who at the same time performed the office -of parish clerk. This young Actaeon, who inherited his grandfather's -antipathy to everything in distress, never sat eyes on me without -uncoupling his beagles, and hunting me into some cottage or other, -whither I generally fled for shelter. In this Christian amusement -he was encouraged by his preceptor, who, no doubt, took such -opportunities to ingratiate himself with the rising sun, observing, -that the old gentleman, according to the course of nature, had not -long to live, for he was already on the verge of fourscore. - -The behaviour of this rascally sycophant incensed me so much, that -one day, when I was beleaguered by him and his hounds in a farmer's -house, where I had found protection, I took aim at him (being an -excellent marksman) with a large pebble, which struck out four of -his foreteeth, and effectually incapacitated him from doing the -office of a clerk. - - - - - -CHAPTER III - - - - -My Mother's Brother arrives--relieves me--a Description of him--he -goes along with me to the House of my Grandfather--is encountered -by his Dogs--defeats them, after a bloody Engagement--is admitted -to the old Gentleman--a Dialogue between them - - -About this time my mother's only brother, who had been long abroad, -lieutenant of a man-of-war, arrived in his own country; where -being informed of my condition, he came to see me, and out of his -slender finances not only supplied me with what necessaries I wanted -for the present, but resolved not to leave the country until he -had prevailed on my grandfather to settle something handsome for -the future. This was a task to which he was by no means equal, -being entirely ignorant, not only of the judge's disposition, but -also of the ways of men in general, to which his education on board -had kept him an utter stranger. - -He was a strong built man, somewhat bandy legged, with a neck like -that of a bull, and a face which (you might easily perceive) had -withstood the most obstinate assaults of the weather. His dress -consisted of a soldier's coat altered for him by the ship's tailor, -a striped flannel jacket, a pair of red breeches spanned with pitch, -clean gray worsted stockings, large silver buckles that covered -three-fourths of his shoes, a silver-laced hat, whose crown overlooked -the brims about an inch and a half, black bobwig in buckle, a check -shirt, a silk handkerchief, a hanger, with a brass handle, girded -to his thigh by a furnished lace belt, and a good oak plant under -his arm. Thus equipped, he set out with me (who by his bounty made a -very decent appearance) for my grandfather's house, where we were -saluted by Jowler and Caesar, whom my cousin, young master, had let -loose at our approach. Being well acquainted with the inveteracy -of these curs, I was about to betake myself to my heels, when my -uncle seized me with one hand, brandished his cudgel with the other, -and at one blow laid Caesar sprawling on the ground; but, finding -himself attacked at the same time in the rear by Jowler, and fearing -Caesar might recover, he drew his hanger, wheeled about, and by -a lucky stroke severed Jowler's head from his body. By this time, -the young foxhunter and three servants, armed with pitchforks and -flails, were come to the assistance of the dogs, whom they found -breathless upon the field; and my cousin was so provoked at the -death of his favourites, that he ordered his attendants to advance, -and take vengeance on their executioner, whom he loaded with all -the curses and reproaches his anger could suggest. Upon which my -uncle stepped forwards with an undaunted air, at the sight of whose -bloody weapons his antagonists fell back with precipitation, when -he accosted their leader thus: - -"Lookee, brother, your dogs having boarded me without provocation, -what I did was in my own defence. So you had best be civil, and -let us shoot a head, clear of you." - -Whether the young squire misinterpreted my uncle's desire of peace, -or was enraged at the fate of his hounds beyond his usual pitch -of resolution, I know not; but he snatched a flail from one of his -followers, and came up with a show of assaulting the lieutenant, who, -putting himself in a posture of defence, proceeded thus: "Lookee, -you lubberly son of a w--e, if you come athwart me, 'ware your -gingerbread work. I'll be foul of your quarter, d--n me." - -This declaration, followed by a flourish of his hanger, seemed to -check the progress of the young gentleman's choler, who, looking -behind him, perceived his attendants had slunk into the house, shut -the gate, and left him to decide the contention by himself. - -Here a parley ensued, which was introduced by my cousin's asking, -"Who the devil are you? What do you want? Some scoundrel of a seaman, -I suppose, who has deserted and turned thief. But don't think you -shall escape, sirrah--I'll have you hang'd, you dog, I will. Your -blood shall pay for that of my two hounds, you ragamuffin. I would -not have parted with them to save your whole generation from the -gallows, you ruffian, you!" "None of your jaw, you swab--none of -your jaw," replied my uncle, "else I shall trim your laced jacket -for you. I shall rub you down with an oaken towel, my boy, I -shall." So saying, he sheathed his hanger, and grasped his cudgel. -Meanwhile the people of the house being alarmed, one of my female -cousins opened a window, and asked what was the matter. "The -matter!" answered the lieutenant; "no great matter, young woman; -I have business with the old gentleman, and this spark, belike, -won't allow me to come alongside of him," that's all. After a few -minutes pause we were admitted, and conducted to my grandfather's -chamber through a lane of my relations, who honoured me with very -significant looks as I passed along. When we came into the judge's -presence my uncle, after two or three sea-bows, expressed himself -in this manner; "Your servant, your servant. What cheer, father? -what cheer? I suppose you don't know me--mayhap you don't. My name -is Tom Bowling, and this here boy, you look as if you did not know -him neither; 'tis like you mayn't. He's new rigged, i'faith; his -cloth don't shake in the wind so much as it wont to do. "Tis my -nephew, d'y see, Roderick Random--your own flesh and blood, old -gentleman. Don't lay a-stern, you dog," pulling me forward. My -grandfather (who was laid up with the gout) received this relation, -after his long absence, with that coldness of civility which was -peculiar to him; told him he was glad to see him, and desired him -to sit down. "Thank ye, thank ye, sir, I had as lief stand," said -my uncle; "for my own part, I desire nothing of you; but, if you -have any conscience at all, do something for this poor boy, who -has been used at a very unchristian rate. Unchristian do I call -it? I am sure the Moors in Barbary have more humanity than to leave -their little ones to want. I would fain know why my sister's son -is more neglected than that there fair-weather Jack" (pointing to -the young squire, who with the rest of my cousins had followed us -into the room). "Is not he as near akin to you as the other? Is he -not much handsomer and better built than that great chucklehead? -Come, come, consider, old gentleman, you are going in a short time -to give an account of your evil actions. Remember the wrongs you -did his father, and make all the satisfaction in your power before -it be too late. The least thing you can do is to settle his father's -portion on him" The young ladies, who thought themselves too much -concerned to contain themselves any longer, set up their throats -all together against my protector--"Scurvy companion--saucy -tarpaulin--rude, impertinent fellow, did he think to prescribe -to grandpapa? His sister's brat had been too well taken care of. -Grandpapa was too just not make a difference between an unnatural, -rebellious son and his dutiful, loving children, who took his -advice in all things;" and such expressions were vented against him -with great violence; until the judge at length commanded silence. -He calmly rebuked my uncle for his unmannerly behaviour, which he -said he would excuse on account of his education: he told him he -had been very kind to the boy, whom he had kept at school seven or -eight years, although he was informed he made no progress in his -learning but was addicted to all manner of vice, which he rather -believed, because he himself was witness to a barbarous piece of -mischief he had committed on the jaws of his chaplain. But, however, -he would see what the lad was fit for, and bind him apprentice to -some honest tradesman or other, provided he would mend his manners, -and behave for the future as became him." The honest tar (whose -pride and indignation boiled within him) answered my grandfather, -that it was true he had sent him to school, but it had cost him -nothing, for he had never been at one shilling expense to furnish -him with food, raiment, books, or other necessaries; so that it -was not much to be wondered at, if the boy made small progress; and -yet whoever told him so was a lying, lubberly rascal, and deserved -to be keel-haul'd; for thof he (the lieutenant) did not understand -those matters himself, he was well informed as how Rory was the -best scholar of his age in all the country; the truth of which he -would maintain, by laying a wager of his whole half-year's pay -on the boy's head--with these words he pulled out his purse, and -challenged the company: "Neither is he predicted to vice, as you -affirm, but rather, left like a wreck, d'ye see, at the mercy of -the wind and weather, by your neglect, old gentleman. As for what -happened to your chaplain, I am only sorry that he did not knock -out the scoundrel's brains instead of his teeth. By the Lord, if -ever I come up with him, he had better be in Greenland, that's all. -Thank you for your courteous offer of binding the lad apprentice to -a tradesman. I suppose you would make a tailor of him--would you? -I had rather see him hang'd, d'ye see. Come along, Rory, I perceive -how the land lies, my boy--let's tack about, i'faith--while I have -a shilling you shan't want a tester. B'we, old gentleman; you're -bound for the other world, but I believe damnably ill-provided for -the voyage." Thus ended our visit; and we returned to the village, -my uncle muttering curses all the way against the old shark and -the young fry that surrounded him. - - - - - -CHAPTER IV - - - - -My Grandfather makes his Will--our second Visit--he Dies--his Will -is read in Presence of all his living Descendants--the Disappointment -of my female Cousins--my Uncle's Behaviour - - -A few weeks after our first visit, we were informed that the old -judge, at the end of a fit of thoughtfulness, which lasted three -days, had sent for a notary and made his will; that the distemper -had mounted from his legs to his stomach, and, being conscious -of his approaching end, be had desired to see all his descendants -without exception. In obedience to this summons, my uncle set -out with me a second time, to receive the last benediction of my -grandfather: often repeating by the road, "Ey, ey, we have brought -up the old hulk at last. You shall see--you shall see the effect -of my admonition," When we entered his chamber, which was crowded -with his relations, we advanced to the bedside, where we found him -in his last agonies, supported by two of his granddaughters, who -sat on each side of him, sobbing most piteously, and wiping away the -froth and slaver as it gathered on his lips, which they frequently -kissed with a show of great anguish and affection. My uncle -approached him with these words, "What! he's not a-weigh. How fare -ye? how fare ye, old gentleman? Lord have mercy upon your poor -sinful soul!" Upon which, the dying man turned his languid eyes -towards us, and Mr. Bowling went on--"Here's poor Roy come to see -you before you die, and to receive your blessing. What, man! don't -despair, you have been a great sinner, 'tis true,--what then? There's -a righteous judge above, an't there? He minds me no more than a -porpoise. Yes, yes, he's a-going; the land crabs will have him, I -see that! his anchor's a-peak, i'faith." This homely consolation -scandalised the company so much, and especially the parson, who -probably thought his province invaded, that we were obliged to retire -into another room, where, in a few minutes, we were convinced of -my grandfather's decease, by a dismal yell uttered by the young -ladies in his apartment; whither we immediately hastened, and found -his heir, who had retired a little before into a closet, under -pretence of giving vent to his sorrow, asking, with a countenance -beslubbered with tears, if his grandpapa was certainly dead? "Dead!" -(says my uncle, looking, at the body) "ay, ay, I'll warrant him -as dead as a herring. Odd's fish! now my dream is out for all the -world. I thought I stood upon the forecastle, and saw a parcel of -carrion crows foul of a dead shark: that floated alongside, and the -devil perching upon our spritsail yard, in the likeness of a blue -bear--who, d'ye see jumped overboard upon the carcass and carried -it to the bottom in his claws." "Out upon thee, reprobate" cries -the parson "out upon thee, blasphemous wretch! Dost thou think his -honour's soul is in the possession of Satan?" The clamour immediately -arose, and my poor uncle, being, shouldered from one corner of -the room to the other, was obliged to lug out in his own defence, -and swear he would turn out for no man, till such time as he knew -who had the title to send him adrift. "None of your tricks upon -travellers," said he; "mayhap old Bluff has left my kinsman here -his heir: if he has, it will be the better for his miserable soul. -Odds bob! I'd desire no better news. I'd soon make him a clear -shin, I warrant you." To avoid any further disturbance, one of my -grandfather's executors, who was present, assured Mr. Bowling, that -his nephew should have all manner of justice; that a day should -be appointed after the funeral for examining the papers of the -deceased, in presence of all his relations; till which time every -desk and cabinet in the house should remain close sealed; and -that he was very welcome to be witness to this ceremony, which was -immediately performed to his satisfaction. In the meantime, orders -were given to provide mourning for all the relations, in which -number I was included; but my uncle would not suffer me to accept -of it, until I should be assured whether or no I had reason to -honour his memory so far. During this interval, the conjectures of -people, with regard to the old gentleman's will, were various: as -it was well known, he had, besides his landed estate, which was -worth £700 per annum, six or seven thousand pounds at interest, -some imagined that the whole real estate (which he had greatly -improved) would go to the young man whom he always entertained as -his heir; and that the money would be equally divided between my -female cousins (five in number) and me. Others were of opinion, -that, as the rest of the children had been already provided for, -he would only bequeath two or three hundred pounds to each of his -granddaughters, and leave the bulk of the sum to me, to atone for -his unnatural usage of my father. At length the important hour -arrived, and the will was produced in the midst of the expectants, -whose looks and gestures formed a group that would have been very -entertaining to an unconcerned spectator. But, the reader can -scarce conceive the astonishment and mortification that appeared, -when an attorney pronounced aloud, the young squire sole heir of -all his grandfather's estate, personal and real. My uncle, who had -listened with great attention, sucking the head of his cudgel all -the while, accompanied these words of the attorney with a stare, -and whew, that alarmed the whole assembly. The eldest and pertest -of my female competitors, who had been always very officious about -my grandfather's person, inquired, with a faltering accent and -visage as yellow as an orange, "if there were no legacies?" and -was answered, "None at all." Upon which she fainted away. The rest, -whose expectations, perhaps, were not so sanguine, supported their -disappointment with more resolution, though not without giving -evident marks of indignation, and grief at least as genuine as that -which appeared in them at the old gentleman's death. My conductor, -after having kicked with his heel for some time against the wainscot, -began: "So there's no legacy, friend, ha!--here's an old succubus; -but somebody's soul howls for it, d--n me!" The parson of the parish, -who was one of the executors, and had acted as ghostly director to -the old man, no sooner heard this exclamation than he cried out, -"Avaunt, unchristian reviler! avaunt! wilt thou not allow the soul -of his honour to rest in peace?" But this zealous pastor did not -find himself so warmly seconded, as formerly, by the young ladies, -who now joined my uncle against him, and accused him of having -acted the part of a busybody with their grandpapa whose ears he -had certainly abused by false stories to their prejudice, or else -he would not have neglected them in such an unnatural manner. -The young squire was much diverted with this scene, and whispered -to my uncle, that if he had not murdered his dogs, he would have -shown him glorious fun, by hunting a black badger (so he termed -the clergyman). The surly lieutenant, who was not in a humour to -relish this amusement, replied, "You and your dogs may be damn'd. -I suppose you'll find them with your old dad, in the latitude of -hell. Come, Rory,--about ship, my lad, we must steer another course, -I think." And away we went. - - - - -CHAPTER V - - - - -The Schoolmaster uses me barbarously--I form a Project of Revenge, -in which I am assisted by my Uncle--I leave the Village--am settled -at a University by his Generosity - - -On our way back to the village, my uncle spoke not a word during -the space of a whole hour, but whistled with great vehemence the -tune of "Why should we quarrel for riches," etc. his visage being -contracted all the while into a most formidable frown. At length -his pace increased to such a degree that I was left behind a -considerable way: then he waited for me; and when I was almost up -with him, called out in a surly tone, "Bear a hand, damme! must -I bring to every minute for you, you lazy dog." Then, laying hold -of me by the arm, hauled me along, until his good nature (of which -he had a great share) and reflection getting the better of his -he said, "Come, my boy, don't be cast down,--the old rascal is in -hell, that's some satisfaction; you shall go to sea with me, my lad. -A light heart and a thin pair of breeches goes through the world, -brave boys, as the song goes--eh!" Though this proposal did not at -all suit my inclination, I was afraid of discovering my aversion -to it, lest I should disoblige the only friend I had in the world; -and he was so much a seaman that he never dreamt I could have had -any objection to his design; consequently gave himself no trouble -in consulting my approbation. But this resolution was soon dropped, -by the device of our usher, who assured Mr. Bowling, it would be -a thousand pities to balk my genius, which would certainly one day -make my fortune on shore, provided it received due cultivation. -Upon which, this generous tar determined (though he could ill afford -it) to give me university education; and accordingly settled my -board and other expenses, at a town not many miles distant, famous -for its colleges, whither we repaired in a short time. But, before -the day of our departure, the schoolmaster, who no longer had the -fear of my grandfather before his eyes, laid aside all decency -and restraint, and not only abused me in the grossest language -his rancour could suggest, as a wicked, proffigate, dull, beggarly -miscreant, whom he had taught out of charity; but also inveighed -in the most bitter manner against the memory of the judge (who by -the by had procured that settlement for him), hinting, in pretty -plain terms, that the old gentleman's soul was damned to all -eternity for his injustice in neglecting to pay for my learning. -This brutal behaviour, added to the sufferings I had formerly -undergone made me think it high time to be revenged on this insolent -pedagogue. Having consulted my adherents, I found them all staunch -in their promises to stand by me; and our scheme was this:--In the -afternoon preceding to the day of our departure for the University, -I resolved to take the advantage of the usher's going out to make -water (which he regularly did at four o'clock), and shut the great -door, that he might not come to the assistance of his superior. -This being done, the assault was to be begun by my advancing to my -master and spitting in his face. I was to be seconded by two of -the strongest boys in the school, who were devoted to me; their -business was to join me in dragging the tyrant to a bench, over -which he was to be laid, and his bare posteriors heartily flogged, -with his own birch, which we proposed to wrest from him in his -struggle; but if we should find him too many for us all three, we -were to demand the assistance of our competitors, who should be -ready to enforce us, or oppose anything that might be undertaken -for the master's relief. One of my principal assistants was called -Jeremy Gawky, son and heir of a wealthy gentleman in the neighbourhood; -and the name of the other, Hugh Strap, the cadet of a family which -had given shoemakers to the village time out of mind. I had once -saved Gawky's life, by plunging into a river and dragging him -on shore, when he was on the point of being drowned. I had often -rescued him from the clutches of those whom his insufferable -arrogance had provoked to a resentment he was not able to sustain; -and many times saved his reputation and posteriors, by performing -his exercises at school; so that it is not to be wondered at, if -he had a particular regard for me and my interests. The attachment -of Strap flowed from a voluntary, disinterested inclination, which -had manifested itself on many occasions in my behalf, he having once -rendered me the same service that I had rendered Gawky, by saving -my life at the risk of his own; and often fathered offences that I -had committed, for which he suffered severely, rather than I should -feel the weight of the punishment. These two champions were the -more willing to engage in this enterprise, because they intended -to leave the school next day, as well as I; the first being ordered -by his father to return into the country, and the other being bound -apprentice to his barber, at a market town not far off. - -In the meantime, my uncle, being informed of my master's behaviour -to me, was enraged at his insolence, and vowed revenge so heartily -that I could not refrain from telling him the scheme I had concerted, -while he heard with great satisfaction, at every sentence squirting -out a mouthful of spittle, tinctured with tobacco, of which he -constantly chewed a large quid. At last, pulling up his breeches, -he cried, "No, no, z--ds! that won't do neither; howsoever, 'tis -a bold undertaking, my lad, that I must say, i'faith; but lookee, -lookee, how do you propose to get clear off--won't the enemy give -chase, my boy?--ay, ay, that he will, I warrant, and alarm the whole -coast; ah! God help thee, more sail than ballast, Rory. Let me alone -for that--leave the whole to me. I'll show him the foretopsail, -I will. If so be your shipmates are jolly boys, and won't flinch, -you shall see, yon shall see; egad, I'll play him such a salt-water -trick I'll bring him to the gangway. and anoint him with a -cat-and-nine-tails; he shall have a round dozen doubled, my lad, he -shall--and be left lashed to his meditations." We were very proud -of our associate, who immediately went to work, and prepared the -instrument of his revenge with great skill and expedition; after -which, he ordered our baggage to be packed up and sent off, a day -before our attempt, and got horses ready to be mounted, as soon as -the affair should be over. At length the hour arrived, when our -auxiliary, seizing the opportunity of the usher's absence, bolted -in, secured the door, and immediately laid hold of the pedant by -his collar who bawled out, "Murder, Thieves." with the voice of -a Stentor. Though I trembled all over like an aspen leaf, I knew -there was no time to be lost, and accordingly got up, and summoned -our associates to our assistance. Strap, without any hesitation, -obeyed the signal, and seeing me leap upon the master's back, ran -immediately to one of his legs, which pulling with all his force, -this dreadful adversary was humbled to the ground; upon which Gawky, -who had hitherto remained in his place, under the influence of a -universal trepidation, hastened to the scene of action, and insulted -the fallen tyrant with a loud huzza, in which the whole school -joined. The noise alarmed the usher, who, finding himself shut -out, endeavoured, partly by threats and partly by entreaties, to -procure admission. My uncle bade him have a little patience, and he -would let him in presently; but if he pretended to stir from that -place, it should fare the worse with the son of a bitch his superior, -on whom he intended only to bestow a little wholesome chastisement, -for his barbarous usage of Rory, "to which," said he, "you are -no stranger." By this time we had dragged the criminal to a post, -to which Bowling tied him with a rope he had provided on purpose; -after having secured his hands and stripped his back. In this -ludicrous posture he stood (to the no small entertainment of the -boys, who crowded about him, and shouted with great exultation -at the novelty of the sight), venting bitter imprecations against -the lieutenant, and reproaching his scholars with treachery and -rebellion; when the usher was admitted, whom my uncle accosted in -this manner: "Harkee, Mr. Syntax, I believe you are an honest man, -d'ye see--and I have a respect for you--but for all that, we must, -for our own security, d'ye see, belay you for a short time." With -these words, he pulled out some fathoms of cord, which the honest -man no sooner saw than he protested with great earnestness he would -allow no violence to be offered to him, at the same time accusing -me of perfidy and ingratitude. But Bowling representing that it -was in vain to resist, and that he did not mean to use him with -violence and indecency, but only to hinder him from raising the -hue and cry against us before we should be out of their power, -he allowed himself to be bound to his own desk, where he sat a -spectator of the punishment inflicted on his principal. My uncle, -having upbraided this arbitrary wretch with his inhumanity to me, -told him, that he proposed to give him a little discipline for the -good of his soul, which he immediately put in practice, with great -vigour and dexterity. This smart application to the pedant's withered -posteriors gave him such exquisite pain that he roared like a mad -bull, danced, cursed, and blasphemed, like a frantic bedlamite. -When the lieutenant thought himself sufficiently revenged, he took -his leave of him in these words: "Now, friend, you'll remember me -the longest day you have to live; I have given you a lesson that -will let you know what flogging is, and teach you to have more -sympathy for the future. Shout, boys, shout!" - -This ceremony was no sooner over than my uncle proposed they -should quit the school, and convey their old comrade Rory to the -public-house, about a mile from the village, where he would treat -them all. His offer being joyfully embraced, he addressed himself -to Mr. Syntax, and begged him to accompany us; but this invitation -he refused with great disdain, telling my benefactor he was not the -man he took him to be. "Well, well, old surly," replied my uncle, -shaking his hand, "thou art an honest fellow notwithstanding; and -if ever I have the command of a ship, thou shalt be our schoolmaster, -i'faith." So saying he dismissed the boys, and locking the door, -left the two preceptors to console one another; while we moved -forwards on our journey, attended by a numerous retinue, whom he -treated according to his promise. - -We parted with many tears, and lay that night at an inn on the -road, about ten miles short of the town where I was to remain, at -which we arrived next day, and I found I had no cause to complain -of the accommodations provided for me, in being boarded at the -house of an apothecary, who had married a distant relation of my -mother. In a few days after, my uncle set out for his ship, having -settled the necessary funds for my maintenance and education. - - - - - -CHAPTER VI - - - - -I make great progress in my Studies--am caressed by Everybody--my -female Cousins take notice of me-I reject their Invitation-they are -incensed, and conspire against me-am left destitute by a Misfortune -that befalls my Uncle-Gawky's Treachery-my Revenge - - -As I was now capable of reflection, I began to consider my precarious -situation; that I was utterly abandoned by those whose duty it was -to protect me: and that my sole dependence was on the generosity -of one man, who was not only exposed by his profession to continual -dangers, which might one day deprive me of him for ever; but also -(no doubt) subject to those vicissitudes of disposition which a -change of fortune usually creates, or which a better acquaintance -with the world might produce; for I always ascribed his benevolence -to the dictates of a heart as yet undebauched by a commerce with -mankind. Alarmed at these considerations, I resolved to apply -myself with great care to my studies, and enjoy the opportunity in -my power: this I did with such success that, in the space of three -years, I understood Greek very well, was pretty far advanced in -the mathematics, and no stranger to moral and natural philosophy: -logic I made no account of; but, above all things, I valued myself -on my taste in the belles lettres, and a talent for poetry, which -had already produced some pieces that had met with a favourable -reception. These qualifications, added to a good face and shape, -acquired the esteem and acquaintance of the most considerable people -in town, and I had the satisfaction to find myself in some degree -of favour with the ladies; an intoxicating piece of good fortune -to one of my amorous complexion! which I obtained, or at least -preserved, by gratifying their propensity to scandal, in lampooning -their rivals. - -Two of my female cousins lived in this place, with their mother, -since the death of their father, who left his whole fortune equally -divided between them; so that, if they were not the most beautiful, -they were at least the richest toasts in town; and received daily -the addresses of all the beaux and cavaliers of the country. Although -I had hitherto been looked upon by them with the most supercilious -contempt, my character now attracted their notice so much that I -was given to understand I might be honoured with their acquaintance, -if I pleased. - -The reader will easily perceive that this condescension either -flowed from the hope of making my poetical capacity subservient -to their malice, or at least of screening themselves from the lash -of my resentment, which they had effectually provoked. I enjoyed -this triumph with great satisfaction, and not only rejected their -offer with disdain, but in all my performances, whether satire or -panegyric, industriously avoided mentioning their names, even while -I celebrated those of their intimates: this neglect mortified their -pride exceedingly and incensed them to such a degree that they were -resolved to make me repent of my indifference. The first stroke of -their revenge consisted in their hiring a poor collegian to write -verses against me, the subject of which was my own poverty, and -the catastrophe of my unhappy parents; but, besides the badness of -the composition (of which they themselves were ashamed), they did -not find their account in endeavouring to reproach me with those -misfortunes which they and their relations had brought upon me; -and which consequently reflected much more dishonour on themselves -than on me, who was the innocent victim of their barbarity and -avarice. - -Finding this plan miscarry, they found means to irritate a young -gentleman against me, by telling him I had lampooned his mistress; -and so effectually succeeded in the quality of incendiaries that -this enraged lover determined to seize me next night as I returned -to my lodgings from a friend's house that I frequented: with this -view, he waited in the street, attended by two of his companions, -to whom he had imparted his design of carrying me down to the river, -in which proposed to have me heartily ducked, notwithstanding the -severity of the weather, it being then about the middle of December. -But this stratagem did not succeed; for, being apprised of their -ambush, I got home another way, and by the help of my landlord's -apprentice, discharged a volley from the garret window, which did -great execution upon them, and next day occasioned so much mirth -at their expense that they found themselves under a necessity of -leaving the town, until the adventure should be entirely forgotten. - -My cousins (though twice baffled in their expectation) did not, -however, desist from persecuting me, who had now enraged them beyond -a possibility of forgiveness by detecting their malice and preventing -its effects: neither should I have found them more humane, had I -patiently submitted to their rancour, and borne without murmuring -the rigour of their unreasonable hate; for I have found by experience, -that though small favours may be acknowledged and slight injuries -atoned, there is no wretch so ungrateful as he whom you have most -generously obliged, and no enemy so implacable as those who have done -you the greatest wrong. These good-natured creatures, therefore, -had recourse to a scheme which conspired with a piece of bad news -I soon after received, to give them all the satisfaction they desired: -this plan was to debauch the faith of my companion and confidant, -who betrayed the trust I reposed in him, by imparting to them the -particulars of my small amours, which they published with such -exaggerations that I suffered very much in the opinion of everybody, -and was utterly discarded by the dear creatures whose names had -been called in question. - -While I was busy in tracing out the author of this treachery, that -I might not only be revenged on him, but also vindicate my character -to my friends, I one day perceived the looks of my landlady much -altered, when I went home to my dinner, and inquiring into the -cause, she screwed up her mouth, and fixed her eyes on the ground, -told me her husband had received a letter from Mr. Bowling, with -one inclosed for me. She was very sorry for what had happened, both -for my sake and his own--people should be more cautious of their -conduct--she was always afraid his brutal behaviour would bring -him into some misfortune or other. As for her part, she should be -very ready to befriend me; but she had a small family of her own -to maintain. The world would do nothing for her if she should come -to want--charity begins at home: she wished I had been bound to -some substantial handicraft, such as a weaver or a shoemaker, rather -than loiter away my time in learning foolish nonsense, that would -never bring me in a penny but some folks are wise, and some are -otherwise. - -I was listening to this mysterious discourse with great amazement, -when her husband entered, and, without speaking a syllable, put -both the letters into my hand. I received them trembling, and read -what follows: - - - 'To Mr. Roger Potion - 'Sir, - 'This is to let you know that I have quitted the Thunder - man of war, being obliged to sheer off for killing my - captain, which I did fairly on the beach, at Cape - Tiberoon, in the Island of Hispaniola; having received - his fire and returned it, which went through his body: - and I would serve the best man so that ever stepped - between stem and stern, if so be that he struck me, as - Captain Oakum did. I am (thank God) safe among the - French, who are very civil, thof I don't understand - their lingo; and I hope to be restored in a little time, - for all the great friends and parliamentary interest of - the captain, for I have sent over to my landlord in Deal - an account of the whole affair, with our bearings and - distances while we were engaged, whereby I have desired - him to lay it before his majesty, who (God bless him) - will not suffer an honest tar to be wronged. My love to - your spouse, and am your loving friend and servant to - command, while - 'Thomas Bowling,' - - - 'To Roderick Random - - 'Dear Rory, - 'Don't be grieved at my misfortune, but mind your book, - my lad. I have got no money to send you, but what of - that? Mr. Potion will take care of you for the love he - bears to me, and let you want for nothing; and it shall - go hard but I will see him one day repaid. No more at - present, but rests - 'Your dutiful uncle - 'and servant, till death, - 'Thomas Bowling.' - - -This letter (which, with the other, was dated from Port Lonis, in -Hispaniola) I had no sooner read than the apothecary, shaking his -head, began: "I have a very great regard for Mr. Bowling that's -certain; and could be well content--but times are very hard. There's -no such thing as money to be got; I believe 'tis all vanished under -ground, for my part. Besides, I have been out of pocket already, -having entertained you since the beginning of this month, without -receiving a sixpence, and God knows if ever I shall; for I believe -it will go hard with your uncle. And more than that, I was thinking -of giving you warning, for I want your apartment for a new prentice, -whom I expect from the country every hour. So I desire you will -this week provide yourself with another lodging." - -The indignation which this harangue inspired gave me spirits to -support my reverse of fortune, and to tell him I despised his mean -selfish disposition so much that I would rather starve than be -beholden to him for one single meal. Upon which, out of my pocket -money, I paid him to the last farthing of what I owed, and assured -him, I would not sleep another night under his roof. - -This said, I sallied out in a transport of rage and sorrow, -without knowing whither to fly for shelter, having not one friend -in the world capable of relieving me, and only three shillings in -my purse. After giving way for a few minutes to the dictates of my -rage, I went and hired a small bedroom, at the rate of one shilling -and sixpence per week, which I was obliged to pay per advance, -before the landlord would receive me: thither I removed my luggage; -and next morning got up, with a view of craving the advice and -assistance of a person who had on all occasions loaded me with -caresses and made frequent offers of friendship, while I was under -no necessity of accepting them. He received me with his wonted -affability, and insisted on my breakfasting with him, a favour -which I did not think fit to refuse. But when I communicated the -occasion of my visit, he appeared so disconcerted that I concluded -him wonderfully affected with the misery of my condition and looked -upon him as a man of the most extensive sympathy and benevolence. -He did not leave me long under this mistake; for, recovering himself -from his confusion, he told me he was grieved at my misfortune, and -desired to know what had passed between my landlord, Mr. Potion, -and me. Whereupon I recounted the conversation; and, when I repeated -the answer I made to his ungenerous remonstrance with regard to -my leaving his house, this pretended friend affected a stare, and -exclaimed, "Is it possible you could behave so ill to the man who -had treated you so kindly all along?" - -My surprise at hearing this was not at all affected, whatever his -might be; and I gave to understand with some warmth, that I did not -imagine he would so unreasonably espouse the cause of a scoundrel -who ought to be expelled from every social community. This heat -of mine gave him all the advantage he desired over me, and our -discourse, after much altercation, concluded in his desiring never -to see me again in that place; to which desire I yielded my consent, -assuring him, that, had I been as well acquainted with his principles -formerly as I was now, he never should have had an opportunity of -making that request. And thus we parted. - -On my return, I met my comrade, Squire Gawky, whom his father -had sent, some time ago, to town, for his improvement in writing, -dancing, fencing, and other modish qualifications. As I had lived -with him since his arrival on the footing of our old intimacy, I -made no scruple of informing him of the lowness of my circumstances, -and asking a small supply of money, to answer my present expense; -upon which he pulled out a handful of halfpence with a shilling or -two among them, and swore that was all he had to keep his pocket -till next quarter-day he having lost the greatest part of his -allowance the night before at billiards. Though this assertion might -very well be true, I was extremely mortified at his indifference: -for he neither expressed any sympathy for my mishap nor desire of -alleviating my distress; and accordingly I left him without uttering -one word: but, when I afterwards understood that he was the person -who had formerly betrayed me to the malice of my cousins, to whom -likewise he had carried the tidings of my forlorn situation, which -afforded them great matter of triumph and exultation, I determined -with myself to call him to a severe account for which purpose I -borrowed a sword, and wrote a challenge, desiring him to meet me -at a certain time and place, that I might have an opportunity of -punishing his perfidy, at the expense of his blood. He accepted the -invitation, and I betook myself to the field, though not without -feeling considerable repugnance to the combat, which frequently -attacked me in cold sweats by the way; but the desire of revenge, -the shame of retracting, and hope of conquest, conspired to repel -these unmanly symptoms of fear; and I appeared on the plain with a -good grace: there I waited an hour beyond the time appointed, and -was not ill pleased to find he had no mind to meet me, because I -should have an opportunity of exposing his cowardice, displaying -my own courage, and of beating him soundly wheresoever I should -find, without any dread of the consequence. - -Elevated with these suggestions, which entirely banished all thoughts -of my deplorable condition, I went directly to Gawky's lodgings, -where I was informed of his precipitate retreat, he having set -out for the country in less than an hour after he had received my -billet; and I was vain enough to have the whole story inserted in -the news, although I was fain to sell a gold laced hat to my landlord -for less than half-price, to defray the expenses and contribute to -my subsistence. - - - - - -CHAPTER VII - - - - -I am entertained by Mr. Crab--a description of him--I acquire -the Art of Surgery--consult Crab's Disposition--become necessary -to him--an Accident happens--he advises me to launch out into the -world--assists me with Money-I set out for London - - -The fumes of my resentment being dissipated, as well as the vanity -of my success, I found myself deserted to all the horrors of extreme -want, and avoided by mankind as a creature of a different species, -or rather as a solitary being, noways comprehended within the scheme -or protection of Providence. My despair had rendered me almost -quite stupified, when I was one day told, that a gentleman desired -to see me at a certain public-house, whither immediately I repaired; -and was introduced to one Mr. Launcelot Crab, a surgeon in town, -who was engaged with two more in drinking a liquor called pop-in, -composed by mixing a quartern of brandy with a quart of small beer. -Before I relate the occasion of this message, I believe it will -not be disagreeable to the reader, if I describe the gentleman who -sent for me, and mention some circumstances of his character and -conduct which may illustrate what follows, and account for his -behaviour to me. - -This member of the faculty was aged fifty, about five feet high, -and ten round the belly; his face was as capacious as a full moon, -and much of the complexion of a mulberry: his nose, resembling a -powder-horn, was swelled to an enormous size, and studded all over -with carbuncles; and his little gray eyes reflected the rays in -such an oblique manner that, while he looked a person full in the -face, one would have imagined he was admiring the buckle of his -shoe. He had long entertained an implacable resentment against -Potion, who, though a younger practitioner, was better employed -than he, and once had the assurance to perform a cure, whereby he -disappointed and disgraced the prognostic of the said Crab. This -quarrel which was at one time upon the point of being made up, by -the interposition and mediation of friends, had been lately inflamed -beyond a possibility of reconciliation by the respective wives of -the opponents, who, chancing to meet at a christening, disagreed -about precedence, proceeded from invectives to blows, and were -with great difficulty, by the gossips, prevented from converting -the occasion of joy into a scene of lamentation. - -The difference between these rivals was in the height of rancour, -when I received the message of Crab, who received me as civilly -as I could have expected from one of his disposition; and, after -desiring me to sit, inquired into the particulars of my leaving the -house of Potion; which when I had related, he said, with a malicious -grin, "There's a sneaking dog! I always thought him a fellow without -a soul, d--n me, a canting scoundrel, who has crept into business -by his hypocrisy, and kissing the a--e of every body."--"Ay, ay," -says another, "one might see with half an eye that the rascal has -no honesty in him, by his going so regularly to church." - -This sentence was confirmed by a third, who assured his companions -that Potion was never known to be disguised in liquor but once, at -a meeting of the godly, where he had distinguished himself by an -extempore prayer an hour long. After this preamble, Crab addressed -himself to me in these words: "Well, my lad, I have heard a good -character of you, and I'll do for you. You may send your things to -my house when you please. I have given orders for your reception. -Zounds! What does the booby stare at? If you have no mind to embrace -my courteous offer, you may let it alone, and be d--d." I answered -with a submissive bow, that I was far from rejecting his friendly -offer, which I would immediately accept, as soon as he should -inform me on what footing I was to be entertained. "What footing! -D--n my blood," cried he, "d'ye expect to have a footman and a couple -of horses kept for you?" "No, sir," I replied, "my expectations -are not quite so sanguine. That I may be as little burthensome as -possible, I would willingly serve in your shop, by which means I -may save you the expense of a journeyman, or porter at least, for -I understand a little pharmacy, having employed some of my leisure -hours in the practice of that art, while I lived with Mr. Potion; -neither am I altogether ignorant of surgery, which I have studied -with great pleasure and application."--"Oho! you did," says Crab. -"Gentlemen, here is a complete artist! Studied surgery! What? in -books, I suppose. I shall have you disputing with me one of these -days on points of my profession. You can already account for -muscular motion, I warrant, and explain the mystery of the brain -and nerves--ha! You are too learned for me, d--n me. But let's have -no more of this stuff. Can you blood and give a clyster, spread a -plaster, and prepare a potion?" Upon my answering in the affirmative, -he shock his head, telling me, he believed he should have little -good of me, for all my promises; but, however, he would take me in -for the sake of charity. I was accordingly that very night admitted -to his house, and had an apartment assigned to me in the garret, -which I was fain to put up with, notwithstanding the mortification -my pride suffered in this change of circumstances. - -I was soon convinced of the real motives which induced Crab to -receive me in this manner; for, besides the gratification of his -revenge, by exposing the selfishness of his antagonist, in opposition -to his own generosity, which was all affectation, he had occasion -for a young man who understood something of the profession, to fill -up the place of his eldest apprentice, lately dead, not without -violent suspicion of foul play from his master's brutality. The -knowledge of this circumstance, together with his daily behaviour -to his wife and the young apprentice, did not at all contribute -to my enjoying my new situation with ease; however, as I did not -perceive how I could bestow myself to better advantage, I resolved -to study Crab's temper with all the application, and manage it with -all the address in my power. And it was not long before I found -out a strange peculiarity of humour which governed his behaviour -towards all his dependents. I observed, when he was pleased, he was -such a niggard of his satisfaction that, if his wife or servants -betrayed the least symptom of participation, he was offended to -an insupportable degree of choler and fury, the effects of which -they seldom failed to feel. And when his indignation was roused, -submission and soothing always exasperated it beyond the bounds of -reason and humanity. I therefore pursued a contrary plan; and one -day, when he honoured me with the names of ignorant whelp and lazy -ragamuffin, I boldly replied, I was neither ignorant nor lazy, -since I both understood and performed my business as well as he -could do for his soul; neither was it just to call me ragamuffin, -for I had a whole coat on my back, and was descended from a better -family than any he could boast an alliance with. - -He gave tokens of great amazement at this assurance of mine, -and shook his cane over my head, regarding me all the time with a -countenance truly diabolical. Although I was terribly startled at -his menacing looks and posture, I yet had reflection enough left -to convince me I had gone too far to retract, and that this was -the critical minute which must decide my future lot in his service; -I therefore snatched up the pestle of a mortar, and swore, if -he offered to strike me without a cause, I should see whether his -skull or my weapon was hardest. - -He continued silent for some time, and at last broke forth into -these ejaculations: "This is fine usage from a servant to his -master--very fine! damnation! but no matter, you shall pay for -this, you dog, you shall; I'II do your business--yes, yes, I'll -teach you to lift your hand against me." So saying, he retired, -and left me under dreadful apprehensions, which vanished entirely -at our next meeting, when he behaved with unusual complacency, and -treated me with a glass of punch after dinner. - -By this conduct I got the ascendancy over him in a short time, and -became so necessary to him, in managing his business while he was -engaged at the bottle, that fortune began to wear a kinder aspect; -and I consoled myself for the disregard of my former acquaintance, -with the knowledge I daily imbibed by a close application to the duties -of my employment, in which I succeeded beyond my own expectation. -I was on very good terms with my master's wife, whose esteem I -acquired and cultivated, by representing Mrs. Potion in the most -ridiculous lights my satirical talents could invent, as well as by -rendering her some Christian offices, when she had been too familiar -with the dram bottle, to which she had oftentimes recourse for -consolation, under the affliction she suffered from a barbarous -husband. - -In this manner I lived, without hearing the least tidings of my -uncle for the space of two years, during which time I kept little -or no company, being neither in a humour to relish nor in a capacity -to maintain much acquaintance; for the Nabal my master allowed me -no wages, and the small perquisites of my station scarcely supplied -me with the common necessaries of life. I was no longer a pert -unthinking coxcomb, giddy with popular applause, and elevated with -the extravagance of hope: my misfortunes had taught me how little -the caresses of the world, during a man's prosperity, are to be -valued by him; and how seriously and expeditiously he ought to set -about making himself independent of them. My present appearance, -therefore, was the least of my care, which was wholly engrossed in -laying up a stock of instruction that might secure me against the -caprice of fortune for the future. I became such a sloven, and -contracted such an air of austerity, that everybody pronounced me -crestfallen; and Gawky returned to town without running any risk -from my resentment, which was by this time pretty much cooled, and -restrained by prudential reasons so effectually that I never so -much as thought of obtaining satisfaction for the injuries be had -done me. - -When I deemed myself sufficiently master of my business I began to -cast about for an opportunity of launching into the world, in hope -of finding some provision that might make amends for the difficulties I -had undergone; but, as this could not be effected without a small -sum of money to equip me for the field, I was in the utmost perplexity -how to raise it, well knowing that Crab, for his own sake, would -never put me in a condition to leave him, when his interest was -so much concerned in my stay. But a small accident, which happened -about this time, determined him in my favour. This was no other -than the pregnancy of his maidservant, who declared her situation -to me, assuring me at the same time that I was the occasion of it. - -Although I had no reason to question the truth of this imputation, -I was not ignorant of the familiarities which had passed between -her master and her, taking the advantage of which I represented -to her the folly of laying the burden at my door, when she might -dispose of it to much better purpose with Mr. Crab. She listened to -my advice, and next day acquainted him with the pretended success -of their mutual endeavours. He was far from being overjoyed at this -proof of his vigour, which he foresaw might have very troublesome -consequences; not that he dreaded any domestic grumblings and -reproaches from his wife, whom he kept in perfect subjection; but -because he knew it would furnish his rival Potion with a handle for -insulting and undermining his reputation, there being no scandal -equal to that of uncleanness, in the opinion of those who inhabit -the part of the island where he lived. He therefore took a resolution -worthy of himself, which was, to persuade the girl that she was -not with child, but only afflicted with a disorder incidental to -young women, which he could easily remove: with this view (as he -pretended) he prescribed for her such medicines as he thought would -infallibly procure abortion; but in this scheme he was disappointed, -for the maid, being advertised by me of his design, and at the same -time well acquainted with her own condition, absolutely refused to -follow his directions; and threatened to publish her situation to -the world if he would not immediately take some method of providing -for the important occasion, which she expected in a few months. It -was not long before I guessed the result of his deliberation, by -his addressing himself to me one day in this manner: "I am surprised -that a young fellow like you discovers no inclination to push his -fortune in the world. Before I was of your age I was broiling on -the coast of Guinea. D--e! what's to hinder you from profiting by -the war which will certainly be declared in a short time against -Spain? You may easily get on board of a king's ship in quality -of surgeon's mate, where you will certainly see a great deal of -practice, and stand a good chance of getting prize-money." - -I laid hold of this declaration, which I had long wished for, and -assured him I would follow his advice with pleasure, if it were in -my power; but that it was impossible for me to embrace an opportunity -of that kind, as I had no friend to advance a little money to supply -me with what necessaries I should want, and defray the expenses of my -journey to London. He told me that few necessaries were required; -and, as for the expense of my journey, he would lend me money, sufficient -not only for that purpose, but also to maintain me comfortably in -London until I should procure a warrant for my provision on board -of some ship. - -I gave him a thousand thanks for his obliging offer (although I was -very well apprised of his motive, which was no other than a design -to lay the bastard to my charge after my departure), and accordingly -set out in a few weeks for London; my whole fortune consisting of -one suit of clothes, half a dozen ruffled shirts, as many plain, -two pair of worsted and a like number of threaded stockings; a -case of pocket instruments, a small edition of Horace, Wiseman's -Surgery, and ten guineas in cash; for which Crab took my bond, -bearing five per cent interest; at the same time giving me a letter -to a member of parliament for our town, which he said would do my -business effectually. - - - - - -CHAPTER VIII - - - - -I arrive at Newcastle--meet with my old Schoolfellow Strap--we -determine to walk together to London--set out on our Journey--put -up at a solitary Alehouse--are disturbed by a strange Adventure in -the Night - - -There is no such convenience as a waggon in this country, and my -finances were too weak to support the expense of hiring a horse: -I determined therefore to set out with the carriers, who transport -goods from one place to another on horseback; and this scheme -I accordingly put in execution on the 1st day of September, 1739, -sitting upon a pack-saddle between two baskets, one of which -contained my goods in a knapsack. But by the time we arrived -at Newcastle-upon-Tyne I was so fatigued with the tediousness of -the carriage, and benumbed with the coldness of the weather, that -I resolved to travel the rest of my journey on foot, rather than -proceed in such a disagreeable manner. - -The ostler of the inn at which we put up, understanding I was bound -for London, advised me to take my passage in a collier which would -be both cheap and expeditious and withal much easier than to walk -upwards of three hundred miles through deep roads in the winter time, -a journey which he believed I had not strength enough to perform. -I was almost persuaded to take his advice, when one day, stepping -into a barber's shop to be shaved, the young man, while he lathered -my face, accosted me thus: "Sir, I presume you are a Scotchman." -I answered in the affirmative. "Pray," continued he, "from what -part of Scotland?" I no sooner told him, than he discovered great -emotion, and not confining his operation to my chin and upper lip, -besmeared my whole face with great agitation. I was so offended at -this profusion that starting up, I asked him what the d--l he meant -by using me so? He begged pardon, telling me his joy at meeting -with a countryman had occasioned some confusion in him, and craved -my name. But, when I declared my name was Random, he exclaimed -in rapture, "How! Rory Random?" "The same," I replied, looking at -him with astonishment. "What!" cried he, "don't you know your old -schoolfellow, Hugh Strap?" - -At that instant recollecting his face, I flew into his arms, and -in the transport of my joy, gave him back one-half of the suds he -had so lavishly bestowed on my countenance; so that we made a very -ludicrous appearance, and furnished a great deal of mirth for his -master and shopmates, who were witnesses of this scene. When our -mutual caresses were over I sat down again to be shaved, but the poor -fellow's nerves were so discomposed by this unexpected meeting that -his hand could scarcely hold the razor, with which, nevertheless, -he found means to cut me in three places in as many strokes. His -master, perceiving his disorder, bade another supply his place, -and after the operation was performed, gave Strap leave to pass -the rest of the day with me. - -We retired immediately to my lodgings, where, calling for some -beer, I desired to be informed of his adventures, which contained -nothing more than that his master dying before his time was -out, he had come to Newcastle about a year ago, in expectation of -journeywork, along with three young fellows of his acquaintance who -worked in the keels; that he had the good fortune of being employed -by a very civil master, with whom he intended to stay till the -spring, at which time he proposed to go to London, where he did -not doubt of finding encouragement. When I communicated to him my -situation and design, he did not approve of my taking a passage -by sea, by reason of the danger of a winter voyage, which is -very hazardous along that coast, as well as the precariousness of -the wind, which might possibly detain me a great while, to the no -small detriment of my fortune; whereas, if I would venture by land, -he would bear me company, carry my baggage all the way, and if we -should be fatigued before we could perform the journey it would be -no hard matter for us to find on the road either return horses or -waggons, of which we might take the advantage for a very trifling -expense. - -I was so ravished at this proposal that I embraced him affectionately, -and assured him he might command my purse to the last farthing; but -he gave me to understand he had saved money sufficient to answer -his own occasions; and that he had a friend in London who would soon -introduce him into business in that capital, and possibly have it -in his power to serve me also. - -Having concerted the plan and settled our affairs that night, we -departed next morning by daybreak, armed with a good cudgel each -(my companion being charged with the furniture of us both crammed -into one knapsack), and our money sewed between the linings -and waistbands of our breeches, except some loose silver for our -immediate expenses on the road, We travelled all day at a round -pace, but, being ignorant of the proper stages, were benighted at -a good distance from any inn, so that we were compelled to take -up our lodging at a small hedge alehouse, that stood on a byroad, -about half-a-mile from the highway: there we found a pedlar of our -own country, in whose company we regaled ourselves with bacon and -eggs, and a glass of good ale, before a comfortable fire, conversing -all the while very sociably with the landlord and his daughter, -a hale buxom lass, who entertained us with great good humour, and -in whose affection I was vain enough to believe I had made some -progress. About eight o'clock we were all three, at our own desire, -shown into an apartment furnished with two beds, in one of which -Strap and I betook ourselves to rest, and the pedlar occupied the -other, though not before he had prayed a considerable time extempore, -searched into every corner of the room, and fastened the door on -the inside with a strong iron screw, which he carried about with -him for that use. - -I slept very sound till midnight when I was disturbed by a violent -motion of the bed, which shook under me with a continual tremor. -Alarmed at this phenomenon, I jogged my companion, whom, to my no -small amazement, I found drenched in sweat, and quaking through -every limb; he told me, with a low faltering voice, that we were -undone; for there was a bloody highwayman, loaded with pistols, in -the next room; then, bidding me make as little noise as possible, -he directed me to a small chink in the board partition through which -I could see a thick-set brawny fellow, with a fierce countenance, -sitting at a table with our young landlady, having a bottle of ale -and a brace of pistols before him. - -I listened with great attention, and heard him say, in a terrible -tone, "D--n that son of a b--h, Smack. the coachman; he has served -me a fine trick, indeed! but d--ion seize me, if I don't make him -repent it! I'll teach the scoundrel to give intelligence to others -while he is under articles with me." - -Our landlady endeavoured to appease this exasperated robber, by saying -he might be mistaken in Smack, who perhaps kept no correspondence -with the other gentleman that robbed his coach; and that, if an -accident had disappointed him to-day, he might soon find opportunities -enough to atone for his lost trouble. "I'll tell thee what, my clear -Bet," replied he, "I never had, nor ever shall, while my name is -Rifle, have such a glorious booty as I missed to-day. Z--s! there -was £400 in cash to recruit men for the king's service, besides -the jewels, watches, swords, and money belonging to the passengers. -Had it been my fortune to have got clear off with so much treasure, -I would have purchased a commission in the army, and made you an -officer's lady, you jade, I would." "Well, well," cries Betty, "we -must trust to Providence for that. But did you find nothing worth -taking which escaped the other gentlemen of the road?" "Not much, -faith," said the lover; "I gleaned a few things, such as a pair -of pops, silver mounted (here they are): I took them loaded from -the captain who had the charge of the money, together with a gold -watch which he had concealed in his breeches. I likewise found -ten Portugal pieces in the shoes of a quaker, whom the spirit moved -to revile me with great bitterness and devotion; but what I value -myself mostly for is, this here purchase, a gold snuffbox, my girl, -with a picture on the inside of the lid; which I untied out of the -tail of a pretty lady's smock." - -Here, as the devil would have it, the pedlar snored so loud, that -the highwayman, snatching his pistols, started up, crying, "Hell and -d-n-n! I am betrayed! Who's that in the next room?" Mrs. Betty told -him he need not be uneasy: there were only three poor travellers, -who, missing the road, had taken up their lodgings in the house, -and were asleep long ago. "Travellers," says he, "spies, you b--ch! -But no matter; I'll send them all to hell in an instant!" He -accordingly ran towards our door; when his sweetheart interposing, -assured him, there was only a couple of poor young Scotchmen, who -were too raw and ignorant to give him the least cause of suspicion; -and the third was a presbyterian pedlar of the same nation, who -had often lodged in the house before. - -This declaration satisfied the thief, who swore he was glad there -was a pedlar, for he wanted some linen. Then, in a jovial manner, -he put about the glass, mingling his discourse to Betty with caresses -and familiarities, that spoke him very happy in his amours. During -that part of the conversation which regarded this, Strap had crept -under the bed, where he lay in the agonies of fear; so that it -was with great difficulty I persuaded him our danger was over, and -prevailed on him to awake the pedlar, and inform him of what he -had seen and heard. - -The itinerant merchant no sooner felt somebody shaking him by the -shoulder, than he started up, called, as loud as he could, "Thieves, -thieves! Lord have mercy upon us!" And Rifle, alarmed at this -exclamation, jumped up, cocked one of his pistols, and turned -towards the door to kill the first man that should enter; for he -verily believed himself beset: when his Dulcinea, after an immoderate -fit of laughter, persuaded him that the poor pedlar, dreaming of -thieves, had only cried out in his sleep. - -Meanwhile, my comrade had undeceived our fellow-lodger, and informed -him of his reason for disturbing him; upon which, getting up softly, -he peeped through the hole, and was so terrified with what he saw, -that, falling down on his bare knees, he put up a long petition to -Heaven to deliver him from the hands of that ruffian, and promised -never to defraud a customer for the future of the value of a pin's -point, provided he might be rescued from the present danger. Whether -or not his disburthening his conscience afforded him any ease I -knew not, but he slipped into bed again, and lay very quiet until -the robber and his mistress were asleep, and snored in concert; -then, rising softly, he untied a rope that was round his pack, which -making fast to one end of it, he opened the window with as little -noise as possible, and lowered his goods into the yard with great -dexterity: then he moved gently to our bedside and bade us farewell, -telling us that, as we ran no risk we might take our rest with -great confidence, and in the morning assure the landlord that we -knew nothing of his escape, and, lastly, shaking us by the hands, -and wishing us all manner of success, he let himself drop from the -window without any danger, for the ground was not above a yard from -his feet as he hung on the outside. - -Although I did not think proper to accompany him in his flight, -I was not at all free from apprehension when I reflected on what -might be the effect of the highwayman's disappointment; as he -certainly intended to make free with the pedlar's ware. Neither -was my companion at more ease in his mind. but on the contrary, so -possessed with the dreadful idea of Rifle, that he solicited me -strongly to follow our countryman's example, and so elude the fatal -resentment of that terrible adventurer, who would certainly wreak -his vengeance on us as accomplices of the pedlar's elopement. But -I represented to him the danger of giving Rifle cause to think we -know his profession, and suggested that, if ever he should meet us -again on the road, he would look upon us as dangerous acquaintance, -and find it his interest to put us out of the way. I told him, withal, -my confidence in Betty's good nature, in which he acquiesced; and -during the remaining part of the night we concerted a proper method -of behaviour, to render us unsuspected in the morning. - -It was no sooner day than Betty, entering our chamber, and perceiving -our window open, cried out, "Odds-bobs! sure you Scotchmen must -have hot constitutions to lie all night with the window open in such -cold weather." I feigned to start out of sleep, and, withdrawing -the curtain, called, "What's the matter?" When she showed me, I -affected surprise, and said, "Bless me! the window was shut when -we went to bed." "I'll be hanged, said she, "if Sawney Waddle, the -pedlar, has not got up in a dream and done it, for I heard him very -obstropulous in his sleep, Sure I put a chamberpot under his bed! - -With these words she advanced to the bed, in which he lay, and, -finding the sheets cold, exclaimed, "Good lackadaisy! The rogue -is fled." "Fled," cried I, with feigned amazement, "God forbid! -Sure he has not robbed us!" Then, springing up, I laid hold of my -breeches, and emptied all my loose money into my hand; which having -reckoned, I said, "Heaven be praised, our money is all safe! Strap, -look to the knapsack." He did so, and found all was right. Upon -which we asked, with seeming concern, if he had stolen nothing -belonging to the house. "No, no," replied she, "he has stole nothing -but his reckoning;" which, it seems, this pious pedlar had forgot -to discharge in the midst of his devotion. - -Betty, after a moment's pause withdrew, and immediately we could -hear her waken Rifle, who no sooner heard of Waddle's flight than -he jumped out of bed and dressed, venting a thousand execrations, -and vowing to murder the pedlar if ever he should set eyes on him -again: "For," said he "the scoundrel has by this time raised the -hue and cry against me." - -Having dressed himself in a hurry, he mounted his horse, and for -that time rid us of his company and a thousand fears that were the -consequence of it. - -While we were at breakfast, Betty endeavoured, by all the -cunning she was mistress of, to learn whether or no we suspected -our fellow-lodger, whom we saw take horse; but, as we were on our -guard, we answered her sly questions with a simplicity she could -not distrust; when, all of a sudden, we heard the trampling of a -horse's feet at the door. This noise alarmed Strap so much, whose -imagination was wholly engrossed by the image of Rifle, that, with -a countenance as pale as milk, he cried, "O Lord! there is the -highwayman returned!" - -Our landlady, staring at these words, said, "What highwayman, young -man? Do you think any highwaymen harbour here?" - -Though I was very much disconcerted at this piece of indiscretion -in Strap, I had presence of mind enough to tell her we had met a -horseman the day before, whom Strap had foolishly supposed to be -a highwayman, because he rode with pistols; and that he had been -terrified at the sound of a horse's feet ever since. - -She forced a smile at the ignorance and timidity of my comrade; -but I could perceive, not without great concern, that this account -was not at all satisfactory to her. - - - - - -CHAPTER IX - - - - -We proceed on our Journey--are overtaken by a Highwayman who fires -at Strap--is prevented from shooting me by a Company of Horsemen, -who ride in pursuit of him--Strap is put to Bed at an Inn--Adventures -at that Inn - - -After having paid our score and taken leave of our hostess, -who embraced me tenderly at parting, we proceeded on our journey, -blessing ourselves that we had come off so well. We bad not walked -above five miles, when we observed a man on horseback galloping -after us, whom we in a short time recognised to be no other than -this formidable hero who had already given us so much vexation. He -stopped hard by me, and asked if I knew who he was? My astonishment -had disconcerted me so much that I did not hear his question, which -he repeated with a volley of oaths and threats; but I remained as -mute as before. - -Strap, seeing my discomposure, fell upon his knees in the mud, -uttering, with a lamentable voice, these words: "For Christ's sake, -have mercy upon us, Mr. Rifle! we know you very well." "Oho!" cried -the thief, "you do! But you never shall be evidence against me in -this world, you dog!" So saying, he drew a pistol, and fired it -at the unfortunate shaver, who fell flat upon the ground without -speaking one word. - -My comrade's fate and my own situation riveted me to the place where -I stood, deprived of all sense and reflection; so that I did not -make the least attempt either to run away or deprecate the wrath -of this barbarian, who snapped a second pistol at me; but, before -he had time to prime again, perceiving a company of horsemen coming -up, he rode off, and left me standing motionless as a statue, in -which posture I was found by those whose appearance had saved my -life. This company consisted of three men in livery, well armed, -with an officer, who (as I afterwards learned,) was the person from -whom Rifle had taken the pocket pistols the day before; and who, -making known his misfortune to a nobleman he met on the road, -and assuring him his non-resistance was altogether owing to his -consideration for the ladies in the coach, procured the assistance -of his lordship's servants to go in quest of the plunderer. This -holiday captain scampered up to me with great address, and asked -who fired the pistol which he had heard. - -As I had not yet recovered my reason, he, before I could answer, -observed a body lying on the ground, at which sight his colour -changed, and he pronounced, with a faltering tongue, "Gentlemen, -here's murder committed! Let us alight." "No, no," said one of his -followers, "let us rather pursue the murderer. Which way went he, -young man?" - -By this time I had recollected myself so far as to tell them that -he could not be a quarter of a mile before; and to beg one of them -to assist me in conveying the corpse of my friend to the next house, -in order to it being interred. The captain, foreseeing that, in -case he should pursue, he must soon come to action, began to curb -his horse, and gave him the spur at the same time, which treatment -making the creature rear up and snort, he called out, his horse -was frightened, and would not proceed; at the same time wheeling -him round and round, stroking his neck, whistling and wheedling him -with "Sirrah, sirrah--gently, gently." etc. "Z--ds!", cried one of -the servants, "sure my lord's Sorrel is not resty!" - -With these words he bestowed a lash on his buttocks, and Sorrel, -disdaining the rein sprang forward with the captain at a pace that -would have soon brought him up with the robber, had not the girtle -(happily for him) given way, by which means he landed in the dirt; -and two of his attendants continued their pursuit, without minding -his situation. Meanwhile one of the three who remained at my -desire, turning the body of Strap, in order to see the wound which -had killed him, found him still warm and breathing: upon which, -I immediately let him blood, and saw him, with inexpressible joy, -recover; he having received no other wound than what his fear had -inflicted. Having raised him upon his legs, we walked together -to an inn, about half a mile from the place, where Strap, who was -not quite recovered, went to bed; and in a little time the third -servant returned with the captain's horse and furniture, leaving -him to crawl after as well as he could. - -This gentleman of the sword, upon his arrival, complained grievously -of the bruise occasioned by his fall; and, on the recommendation -of the servant, who warranted my ability, I was employed to bleed -him, for which service he rewarded me with half-a-crown. - -The time between this event and dinner I passed in observing a -game at cards between two farmers, an exciseman, and a young fellow -in a rusty gown and cassock, who, as I afterwards understood, was -curate of a neighbouring parish. It was easy to perceive that the -match was not equal; and that the two farmers, who were partners, -had to do with a couple of sharpers, who stripped them of all their -cash in a very short time. But what surprised me very mach, was to -hear this clergyman reply to one of the countrymen, who seemed to -suspect foul play, in these words: "D--n me, friend, d'ye question -my honour?" - -I did not at all wonder to find a cheat in canonicals, this being -a character frequent in my own country; but I was scandalised at the -indecency of his behaviour, which appeared in the oaths he swore, -and the bawdy songs which he sung. At last, to make amends in some -sort, for the damage he had done to the unwary boors, he pulled -out a fiddle from the lining of his gown, and, promising to treat -them at dinner, began to play most melodiously, singing in concert -all the while. This good humour of this parson inspired the company -with so much glee that the farmers soon forgot their losses, and -all present went to dancing in the yard. - -While we were agreeably amused in this manner, our musician, spying -a horseman a riding towards the inn, stopped all of a sudden, crying -out, "Gad so! gentlemen, I beg your pardon, there's our dog of a -doctor coming into the inn." He immediately commended his instrument, -and ran towards the gate, where he took hold of the vicar's bridle, -and helped him off, inquiring very cordially into the state of his -health. - -This rosy son of the church, who might be about the age of fifty. -having alighted and entrusted the curate with his horse, stalked -with great solemnity, into the kitchen, where sitting down by the -fire, he called for a bottle of ale and a pipe; scarce deigning -an answer to the submissive questions of those who inquired about -the welfare of his family. While he indulged himself in this state, -amidst a profound silence, the curate, approaching him with great -reverence, asked him if he would not be pleased to honour him with -his company at dinner? To which interrogation he answered in the -negative, saying, he had been to visit Squire Bumpkin, who had -drank himself into a high fever at the last assizes; and that he -had, on leaving his own house, told Betty he should dine at home. -Accordingly where be had made an end of his bottle and pipe, -he rose, and moved with prelatical dignity to the door, where his -journeyman stood ready with his nag. He had no sooner mounted than -the facetious curate, coming into the kitchen, held forth in this -manner: "There the old rascal goes, and the d--l go with him. You -see how the world wags, gentlemen. By gad, this rogue of a vicar does -not deserve to live; and yet he has two livings worth four hundred -pounds per annum, while poor I am fain to do all his drudgery, and -ride twenty miles every Sunday to preach--for what? why, truly, -for twenty pounds a year. I scorn to boast of my own qualifications -but--comparisons are odious. I should be glad to know how this -wag-bellied doctor deserves to be more at ease than me. He can loll -in his elbow chair at home, indulge himself in the best of victuals -and wine and enjoy the conversation of Betty, his housekeeper. You -understand me, gentlemen. Betty is the doctor's poor kinswoman, -and a pretty girl she is; but no matter for that; ay, and dutiful -girl to her parents, whom she visits regularly every year, though -I must own I could never learn in what county they live, My service -t'ye, gentlemen." - -By this time dinner being ready, I waked my companion, and we ate -altogether with great cheerfulness. When our meal was ended, and -every man's share of the reckoning adjusted, the curate went out -on pretence of some necessary occasion, and, mounting his house, -left the two farmers to satisfy the host in the best manner they -could. We were no sooner informed of this piece of finesse, than -the exciseman, who had been silent hitherto, began to open with a -malicious grin: "Ay, ay this is an old trick of Shuffle; I could -not help smiling when he talked of treating. Yon must know this is -a very curious fellow. He picked up some scraps of learning while -he served young Lord Trifte at the university. But what he most -excels in is pimping. No one knows his talents better than I, for -I was valet-de-chambre to Squire Tattle an intimate companion of -Shuffle's lord. He got him self into a scrape by pawning some of -his lordship's clothes on which account he was turned away; but, as -he was acquainted with some particular circumstances of my lord's -conduct, he did not care to exasperate him too much, and so made -interest for his receiving orders, and afterwards recommended him -to the curacy which he now enjoys. However, the fellow cannot be too -much admired for his dexterity in making a comfortable livelihood, in -spite of such a small allowance. You hear he plays a good stick, -and is really diverting company; these qualifications make him -agreeable wherever he goes; and, as for playing at cards there -is not a man within three counties for him. The truth is, he is a -d--able cheat, and can shift a card with such address that it is -impossible to discover him." - -Here he was interrupted by one of the farmers, who asked, why he had -not justice enough to acquaint them with these particulars before -they engaged in play. The exciseman replied, without any hesitation, -that it was none of his business to intermeddle between man and man; -besides, he did not know they were ignorant of Shuffle's character, -which was notorious to the whole country. This did not satisfy -the other, who taxed him with abetting and assisting the curate's -knavery, and insisted on having his share of the winnings returned; -this demand the exciseman as positively refused affirming that, -whatever sleights Shuffle might practise on other occasions, he -was very certain that he had played on the square with them, and -would answer it before any bench in Christendom; so saying, he got -up and, having paid his reckoning, sneaked off. - -The Landlord, thrusting his neck into the passage to see if he was -gone, shook his head, saying, "Ah! Lord help us! if every sinner -was to have his deserts. Well, we victuallers must not disoblige the -excisemen. But I know what; if parson Shuffle and he were weighed -together, a straw thrown into either scale would make the balance -kick the beam. But, masters, this is under the rose," continued -Boniface with a whisper. - - - - - -CHAPTER X - - - - -The Highwayman is taken--we are detained as Evidence against -him--proceed to the next village--he escapes--we arrive at another -inn, where we go to Bed--in the Night we are awaked by a dreadful -Adventure-next night we lodge at the house of a Schoolmaster--our -Treatment there - - -Strap and I were about to depart on our journey, when we perceived -a crowd on the road coming towards us, shouting and hallooing all -the way. As it approached, we could discern a man on horseback -in the middle, with his hands tied behind him, whom we soon knew -to be Rifle. The highwayman, not being so well mounted as the two -servants who went in pursuit of him, was soon overtaken, and, after -having discharged his pistols, made prisoner without any further -opposition. They were carrying him in triumph, amidst the acclamations -of the country people, to a justice of peace in a neighbouring -village, but stopped at our inn to join their companions and take -refreshment. - -When Rifle was dismounted and placed in the yard, within a circle -of peasants, armed with pitchforks, I was amazed to see what a -pitiful dejected fellow he now appeared, who had but a few hours -before filled me with such terror and confusion. My companion was -so much encouraged by this alteration in his appearance that, going -up to the thief, he presented his clenched fists to his nose, and -declared he would either cudgel or box with the prisoner for a -guinea, which he immediately produced, and began to strip, but was -dissuaded from this adventure by me, who represented to him the -folly of the undertaking, as Rifle was now in the hands of justice, -which would, no doubt, give us all satisfaction enough. - -But what made me repent of our impertinent curiosity was our being -detained by the captors, as evidence against him, when we were -just going to set forward. However, there was no remedy; we were -obliged to comply, and accordingly joined in the cavalcade, which -luckily took the same road that we had proposed to follow. Abort -the twilight we arrived at the place of our destination, but as the -justice was gone to visit a gentleman in the country. with whom -(we understood) he would probably stay all night, the robber was -confined in an empty garret, three stories high, from which it -seemed impossible for him to escape; this, nevertheless, was the -case; for next morning when they went up stairs to bring him before -the justice, the bird was flown, having got out at the window upon -the roof from whence he continued his route along the tops of the -adjoining houses, and entered another garret where he skulked until -the family were asleep. at which time he ventured down stairs, and -let himself out by the street-door, which was open. - -This event was a great disappointment to those that apprehended -him, who were flushed with the hopes of the reward; but gave me -great joy, as I was permitted now to continue my journey, without -any further molestation. Resolving to make up for the small progress -we had hitherto made, we this day travelled with great vigour and -before night reached a market town. twenty miles from the place -from whence we set out in the morning, without meeting any adventure -worth notice. Here having taken up our lodging at an in, I found -myself so fatigued that I began to despair of performing our journey -on foot, and desired Strap to inquire if there were any waggon, -return horses, or any cheap carriage in this place, to depart for -London next day. He was informed that the waggon from Newcastle -to London had halted there two nights ago, and that it would be an -easy matter to overtake it, if not the next day, at farthest, the -day after the next. This piece of news gave us some satisfaction; -and, after having made a hearty supper on hashed mutton, we were -shown to our room, which contained two beds, the one allotted for -us, and the other for a very honest gentleman, who, we were told, -was then drinking below. Though we could have very well dispensed -with his company, we were glad to submit to this disposition, as -there was not another bed empty in the house; and accordingly went -to rest, after having secured our baggage under the bolster. About -two or three o'clock in the morning I was awaked out of a very -profound sleep by a dreadful noise in the chamber, which did not -fail to throw me into an agony of consternation, when I heard these -words pronounced with a terrible voice: "Blood and wounds! run the -halbert into the guts of him that's next you, and I'll blow the -other's brains out presently." - -This dreadful salutation had no sooner reached the ears of Strap -than, starting out of bed, he ran against somebody in the dark, and -overturned him in an instant; at the same time bawling out, "Fire! -murder! fire!" a cry which in a moment alarmed the whole house, and -filled our chamber with a crowd of naked people. When lights were -brought, the occasion of all this disturbance soon appeared; which -was no other than a fellow lodger, whom we found lying on the floor, -scratching his head, with a look testifying the utmost astonishment -at the concourse of apparitions that surrounded him. - -This honest gentleman was, it seems, a recruiting sergeant, who, -having listed two country fellows over night, dreaded they had -mutinied, and threatened to murder him and the drummer who was -along with him. This made such an impression on his imagination, -that he got up in his sleep and expressed himself as above. When -our apprehension of danger vanished, the company beheld one another -with great surprise and mirth; but what attracted the notice of -everyone was our landlady, with nothing on her but her shift and -a large pair of buckskin breeches, with the backside before, which -she had slipped on in the hurry, and her husband with her petticoat -about his shoulders; one had wrapped himself in a blanket, another -was covered with a sheet, and the drummer, who had given his only -shirt to be washed, appeared in cuerpo with a bolster rolled about -his middle. - -When this affair was discussed, everybody retired to his own apartment, -the sergeant slipped into bed, and my companion and I slept without -any further disturbance till morning, when we got up, went to -breakfast, paid our reckoning, and set forward in expectation of -overtaking the waggon; in which hope, however, we were disappointed -for that day. As we exerted ourselves more than usual, I found -myself quite spent with fatigue, when we entered a small village -in the twilight. We inquired for a public-house, and were directed -to one of a very sorry appearance. At our entrance the landlord, -who seemed to be a venerable old man, with long gray hair, rose -from a table placed by a large fire in a very neat paved kitchen, -and with a cheerful countenance accosted us in these words: "Salvete, -pueri. Ingredimini." I was not a little pleased to hear our host -speak Latin, because I was in hope of recommending myself to him -by my knowledge in that language; I therefore answered, without -hesitation, "Dissolve frigus, ligna super foco--large reponens." I -had no sooner pronounced these words, than the old gentleman, running -towards me, shook me by the hand, crying, "Fili mi dilectissime! -unde venis?--a superis, ni fallor?" In short, finding we were both -read in the classics, he did not know how to testify his regard -enough; but ordered his daughter, a jolly rosy-cheeked damsel -who was his sole domestic, to bring us a bottle of his quadrimum, -repeating from Horace at the same time, "Deprome quadrimum sabina, -O Tholiarche, merum diota." This was excellent ale of his own -brewing, of which he told us he had always an amphora four years -old, for the use of himself and friends. - -In the course of our conversation, which was interlarded with -scraps of Latin, we understood that this facetious person was -a schoolmaster, whose income being small, he was fain to keep a -glass of good liquor for the entertainment of passengers by which -he made shift to make the two ends of the year meet. "I am this -day," said he, "the happiest old fellow in his majesty's dominions. -My wife, rest her soul, is in heaven. My daughter is to be married -next week; but the two chief pleasures of my life are these -(pointing to the bottle and a large edition of Horace that lay on -the table). I am old, 'tis true--what then? the more reason I should -enjoy the small share of life that remains, as my friend Flaccus -advises: 'Tu ne quaesieris (scire nefas) quem mihi, quem tibi finem -dii dederint. Carpe diem, quam minimum credula postero.'" - -As he was very inquisitive about our affairs, we made no scruple -of acquainting him with our situation, which when he had learned, -he enriched us with advices how to behave in the world, telling us -that he was no stranger to the deceits of mankind. In the meantime -he ordered his daughter to lay a fowl to the fire for supper, for -he was resolved this night to regale his friends--permittens divis -caetera. While our entertainment was preparing, our host recounted -the adventures of his own life, which, as they contained nothing -remarkable, I forbear to rehearse. When we had fared sumptuously, -and drunk several bottles of his I expressed a desire of going to -rest, which was with some difficulty complied with, after he had -informed us that we should overtake the waggon by noon next day; -and that there was room enough in it for half-a-dozen, for there -were only four passengers as yet in that convenience. - -Before my comrade and I fell asleep, we had some conversation about -the good humour of our landlord, which gave Strap such an idea of -his benevolence, that he positively believed we should pay nothing -for our lodging and entertainment. "Don't you observe," said he, -"that he has conceived a particular affection for us--nay, even -treated us at supper with extraordinary fare, which, to be sure, -we should not of ourselves have called for?" - -I was partly of Strap's opinion; but the experience I had of the -world made me suspend my belief till the morning, when, getting up -betimes, we breakfasted with our host and his daughter on hasty-pudding -and ale, and desired to know what we had to pay. "Biddy will let you -know, gentlemen," said he; "for I never mind these matters. Money -matters are beneath the concern of one who lives upon the Horatian -plan--Crescentum sequitur cura pecuniam." Meanwhile, Biddy, having -consulted a slate that hung in the corner, told us our reckoning -came to 8s. 7d. "Eight shillings and seven pence!" cried Strap, -"'tis impossible! you must be mistaken, young woman." "Reckon -again, child," says her father, very deliberately; "perhaps you -have miscounted." "No, indeed," replied she, "I know my business -better." I could contain my indignation no longer, but said it -was an unconscionable bill, and demanded to know the particulars; -upon which the old man got up, muttering, "Ay, ay, let us see the -particulars--that's but reasonable." And, taking pen, ink, and -paper, wrote the following items: - - To bread and beer 0 6 - To a fowl and sausages 2 6 - To four bottles of quadrim. 2 0 - To fire and tobacco 0 7 - To lodging 2 0 - To breakfast 1 0 - ---- - 8 7 - -As he had not the appearance of a common publican, and had raised -a sort of veneration in me by his demeanour the preceding night, -it was not in my power to upbraid him as he deserved; therefore, I -contented myself with saying I was sure he did not learn to be an -extortioner from Horace. He answered, I was but a young man and -did not know the world, or I would not tax him with extortion, -whose only aim was to live contentus parvo, and keep off importuna -pauperies. My fellow traveller could not so easily put up with this -imposition; but swore he should either take one-third of the money -or go without. While we were engaged in this dispute, I perceived -the daughter go out, and, conjecturing the occasion, immediately -paid the exorbitant demand, which was no sooner done than Biddy -returned with two stout fellows, who came in on pretence of taking -their morning draught, but in reality to frighten us into compliance. -Just as we departed, Strap, who was half-distracted on account of -this piece of expense, went up to the schoolmaster, and, grinning -in his face, pronounced with great emphasis--"Semper avarus eget." -To which the pedant replied, with a malicious smile--"Animum rege, -qui, nisi paret, imperat." - - - - - -CHAPTER XI - - - - -We descry the Waggon--get into it--arrive at an inn--our Fellow -Travellers described--a Mistake is committed by Strap, which produces -strange things - - -We travelled half-a-mile without exchanging one word; my thoughts -being engrossed by the knavery of the world, to which I must be -daily exposed, and the contemplation of my finances, which began -sensibly to diminish. At length, Strap, who could hold no longer, -addressed me thus: "Well, fools and their money are soon parted. -If my advice had been taken, that old skin-flint should have been -d--n'd before he had got more than the third of his demand. 'Tis a -sure sign you came easily by your money, when you squander it away -in this manner. Ah! God help you, how many bristly beards must I -have mowed before I earned four shillings and threepence-halfpenny, -which is all thrown to the dogs! How many days have I sat weaving -hair till my toes were numbed by the cold, my fingers cramped, -and my nose as blue as the sign of the periwig that hung over the -door! What the devil was you afraid of? I would have engaged to -box with any one of those fellows who came in for a guinea--I'm -sure--I have beat stouter men than either of them." And, indeed, -my companion would have fought anybody when his life was in no -danger; but he had a mortal aversion to fire-arms and all instruments -of death. In order to appease him, I assured him no part of this -extraordinary expense should fall upon his shoulders; at which -declaration he was affronted, and told me he would have me to know -that, although he was a poor barber's boy, yet he had a soul to -spend big money with the best squire of the land. - -Having walked all day at a great pace, without halting for a -refreshment, we descried, toward the evening, to our inexpressible -joy, the waggon about a quarter of a mile before us; and, by that -time we reached it, were both of us so weary that I verily believe -it would have been impracticable for us to have walked one mile -farther. We, therefore, bargained with the driver, whose name was -Joey, to give us a cast to the next stage for a shilling; at which -place we should meet the master of the waggon, with whom we might -agree for the rest of the journey. - -Accordingly the convenience stopped, and Joey having placed the -ladder, Strap (being loaded with our baggage) mounted first; but, -just as he was getting in, a tremendous voice assailed his ears -in these words: "God's fury! there shall no passengers come here." -The poor shaver was so disconcerted at this exclamation, which -both he and I imagined proceeded from the mouth of a giant, that he -descended with great velocity and a countenance as white as paper. -Joey, perceiving our astonishment, called, with an arch sneer, -"Waunds, coptain, whay woant yau sooffer the poor waggoneer to meake -a penny? Coom, coom, young man, get oop, get oop, never moind the -coptain; I'se not afeard of the coptain." - -This was not encouragement sufficient to Strap, who could not be -prevailed upon to venture up again; upon which I attempted, though -not without a quaking heart, when I heard the same voice muttering, -like distant thunder--"Hell and the devil confound me, if I don't -make you smart for this!" However, I crept in, and by accident got -an empty place in the straw, which I immediately took possession -of, without being able to discern the faces of my fellow-travellers -in the dark. Strap following, with the knapsack on his back, chanced -to take the other side, and, by a jolt of the carriage, pitched -directly upon the stomach of the captain, who bellowed out, in -a most dreadful manner, "Blood and thunder! where's my sword?" At -these words my frighted comrade started up, and, at one spring, -bounced against me with such force that I thought he was the supposed -son of Anak, who intended to press me to death. In the meantime a -female voice cried, "Bless me! what is the matter, my dear?" "The -matter," replied the captain, "d--n my blood! my guts are squeezed -into a pancake by that Scotchman's hump." Strap, trembling all the -while at my back, asked him pardon, and laid the blame of what had -happened upon the jolting of the waggon; and the woman who spoke -before went on: "Ay, ay, my dear, it is our own fault; we may thank -ourselves for all the inconveniences we meet with. I thank God I -never travelled so before. I am sure if my lady or Sir John were -to know where we are they would not sleep this night for vexation. -I wish to God we had writ for the chariot; I know we shall never -be forgiven." "Come, come, my dear," replied the captain, "it don't -signify fretting now; we shall laugh it over as a frolic; I hope -you will not suffer in your health. I shall make my lord very merry -with our adventures in this diligence." - -The discourse gave me such a high notion of the captain and his -lady that I durst not venture to join in the conversation; but -immediately after another female voice began: "Some people give -themselves a great many needless airs; better folks than any here -have travelled in waggons before now. Some of us have rode in -coaches and chariots, with three footmen behind them, without making -so much fuss about it. What then? We are now all upon a footing; -therefore let us be sociable and merry. What do you say, Isaac? Is -not this a good motion, you doting rogue? Speak, you old cent per -cent fornicator? What desperate debt are you thinking of? What -mortgage are you planning? Well, Isaac, positively you shall never -gain my favour till you turn over a new leaf, grow honest, and -live like a gentleman. In the meantime give me a kiss, you old -fumbler." These words, accompanied with a hearty smack, enlivened -the person to whom they were addressed to such a degree that he -cried, in transport, though with a faltering voice, "Ah! you wanton -baggage--upon my credit, you are a waggish girl--he, he, he!" This -laugh introduced a fit of coughing, which almost suffocated the -poor usurer (such we afterwards found was the profession of this -our fellow-traveller). - -About this time I fell asleep, and enjoyed a comfortable nap till -such time as we arrived at the inn where we put up. Here, having -alighted from the waggon, I had an opportunity of viewing the -passengers in order as they entered. The first who appeared was a -brisk, airy girl, about twenty years old, with a silver-laced hat -on her head instead of a cap, a blue stuff riding-suit, trimmed -with silver very much tarnished, and a whip in her hand. After her -came, limping, an old man, with a worsted nightcap buttoned under -his chin, and a broad-brimmed hat slouched over it, an old rusty blue -cloak tied about his neck, under which appeared a brown surtout, -that covered a threadbare coat and waistcoat, and, as he afterwards -discerned, a dirty flannel jacket. His eyes were hollow, bleared, -and gummy; his face was shrivelled into a thousand wrinkles, his -gums were destitute of teeth, his nose sharp and drooping, his -chin peaked and prominent, so that, when he mumped or spoke, they -approached one another like a pair of nutcrackers: he supported -himself on an ivory-headed cane and his whole figure was a just -emblem of winter, famine, and avarice. But how was I surprised, -when I beheld the formidable captain in the shape of a little thin -creature, about the age of forty, with a long withered visage, very -much resembling that of a baboon, through the upper part of which -two little gray eyes peeped: he wore his own hair in a queue that -reached to his rump, which immoderate length, I suppose. was the -occasion of a baldness that appeared on the crown of his head when -he deigned to take off his hat, which was very much of the size -and cock of Pistol's. - -Having laid aside his great-coat, I could not help admiring the -extraordinary make of this man of war: he was about five feet and -three inches high, sixteen inches of which went to his face and -long scraggy neck: his thighs were about six inches in length, his -legs resembling spindles or drumsticks, five feet and a half, and -his body, which put me in mind of extension without substance, -engrossed the remainder: so that on the whole, he appeared like -a spider or grasshopper erect, and was almost a vox et praeterea -nihil. His dress consisted of a frock of what is called bearskin, -the skirts of which were about half a foot long, an hussar waistcoat, -scarlet breeches reaching half way down his thighs, worsted stockings -rolled up almost to his groin, and shoes with wooden heels at least -two inches high; he carried a sword very near as long as himself -in one hand, and with the other conducted his lady, who seemed to -be a woman of his own age, and still retained some remains of an -agreeable person, but so ridiculously affected, that, had I not -been a novice in the world, I might have easily perceived in her -the deplorable vanity and second-hand airs of a lady's woman. - -We were all assembled in the kitchen, when Captain Weazel (for that -was his name) desired a room with a fire for himself and spouse, -and told the landlord they would up by themselves. The innkeeper -replied that he could not afford them a room by themselves; and -as for supping, he had prepared victuals for the passengers in the -waggon, without respect of persons, but if he could prevail on the -rest to let him have his choice in a separate manner, he should be -very well pleased. This was no sooner said than all of us declared -against the proposal, and Miss Jenny (our other female passenger), -observed that, if Captain Weazel and his lady had a mind to sup -by themselves, they might wait until we should have done. At this -hint the captain put on a martial frown, and looked very big, -without speaking; while his yokefellow, with a disdainful toss of -her nose, muttered something about "Creature!" which Miss Jenny -overhearing, stepped up to her, saying, "None of your names, good -Mrs. Abigail. Creature, quotha--I'll assure you no such creature -as you neither--no ten-pound sneaker--no quality-coupler." Here -the captain interposed, with a "D--e, madam, what do you mean by -that?" "D--n you sir, who are you?" replied Miss Jenny, "who made -you a captain, you pitiful, trencher-scraping, pimping curler? -"Sdeath! the army is come to a fine pass, when such fellows as -you get commissions. What, I suppose you think I don't know you? -Egad, you and your helpmate are well met--a cast-off mistress and -a bald valet-de-chambre are well yoked together." "Blood and wounds! -cried Weazel, "d'ye question the honour of my wife, madam? Hell -and d-ion! No man in England durst say so much--I would flay him, -carbonado him! Fury and destruction! I would have his liver for my -supper." So saying, he drew his sword and flourished with it, to -the great terror of Strap; while Miss Jenny, snapping her fingers, -told him she did not value his resentment a louse. - -In the midst of this quarrel the master of the waggon alighted, -who, understanding the cause of the disturbance, and fearing the -captain and his lady would take umbrage and leave his carriage, -was at great pains to have everything made up, which he at last -accomplished, and we sat down to supper altogether. At bedtime -we were shown to our apartments; the old usurer, Strap, and I, to -one room; the captain, his wife, and Miss Jenny, to another. About -midnight, my companion's bowels being disordered, he got up, in order -to go backward, but in his return, mistaking one door for another, -entered Weazel's chamber, and without any hesitation went to bed -to his wife, who was fast asleep, the captain being at another -end of the room groping for some empty vessel, in lieu of his own -chamberpot, which was leaky: as he did not perceive Strap coming -in, he went towards his own bed, after having found a convenience; -but no sooner did he feel a rough head, covered with a cotton -nightcap, than it carne into his mind that he had mistaken Miss -Jenny's bed instead of his own, and that the head he felt was that -of some gallant, with whom she had made an assignation. Full of his -conjecture, and scandalised at the prostitution of his apartment, -he snatched up the vessel he had just before filled, and emptied -it at once on the astonished barber and his own wife, who waking -at that instant, broke forth into lamentable cries, which not only -alarmed the husband beyond measure, but frighted poor Strap almost -out of his senses; for he verily believed himself bewitched, especially -when the incensed captain seized him by the throat, with a volley -of oaths, asking him how he durst have the presumption to attempt -the chastity of his wife. Poor Strap was so amazed and confounded, -that he could say nothing but--"I take God to witness she's a virgin -for me." - -Mrs. Weazel, enraged to find herself in such a pickle through the -precipitation of her husband, arose in her shift, and with the -heel of her shoe which she found by the bedside, belaboured the -captain's bald pate till he roared "Murder." "I'll teach you to -empty your stinkpots on me," cried she, "you pitiful hop-o'-my-thumb -coxcomb. What, I warrant you're jealous, you man of lath. Was it -for this I condescended to take you to my bed, you poor, withered, -sapless twig?" - -The noise occasioned by this adventure had brought the master of -the waggon and me to the door, where we overheard all that passed -with great satisfaction. In the meantime we were alarmed with the -cry of "Rape! Murder! Rape!" which Jenny pronounced with great -vociferation. "Oh! You vile abominable old villain," said she, -"would you rob me of my virtue? But I'll be revenged of you, you old -goat! I will! Help! for heaven's sake! help! I shall be ravished! -ruined! help!" Some servants of the inn, hearing this cry, came -running upstairs with lights, and such weapons as chance afforded; -when we beheld a very diverting scene. In one corner stood the poor -captain shivering in his shirt, which was all torn to rags: with -a woeful visage, scratched all over by his wife, who had by this -time wrapped the counterpane about her, and sat sobbing on the -side of her bed. At the other end lay tile old usurer, sprawling -on Miss Jenny's bed, with his flannel jacket over his shirt, and -his tawny meagre limbs exposed to the air; while she held him fast -by the two ears, and loaded him with execrations. When he asked -what was the matter, she affected to weep, told us she was afraid -that wicked rogue had ruined her in her sleep, and bade us take -notice of what we saw, for she intended to make use of our evidence -against him. The poor wretch looked like one more dead than alive, -and begged to be released; a favour which he had no sooner obtained -than he protested she was no woman, but a devil incarnate--that -she had first seduced his flesh to rebel, and then betrayed him. -"Yes, cockatrice," continued he, "you know you laid this snare -fur me--but you shan't succeed--for I will hang myself before you -shall get a farthing of me." So saying, he crawled to his own bed, -groaning all the way. We then advanced to the Captain, who told -us, "Gentlemen, here has been a d--d mistake; but I'll be revenged -on him who was the cause of it. That Scotchman who carries the -knapsack shall not breathe this vital air another day, if my name -be Weazel. My dear, I ask you ten thousand pardons; you are sensible, -I could mean no harm to you." "I know not what you meant," replied -she, sighing, "but I know I have got enough to send me to my -grave." At length they were reconciled. The wife was complimented -with a share of Miss Jenny's bed (her own being overflowed), and -the master of the waggon invited Weazel to sleep the remaining -part of the night with him. I retired to mine, where I found Strap -mortally afraid, he having stolen away in the dark while the captain -and his lady were at loggerheads. - - - - - -CHAPTER XII - - - - -Captain Weazel challenges Strap, who declines the Combat--an Affair -between the Captain and me--the Usurer is fain to give Miss Jenny -five Guineas for a Release--we are in Danger of losing a Meal--the -Behaviour of Weazel, Jenny, and Joey, on that Occasion--an Account -of Captain Weazel and his Lady--the Captain's Courage tried--Isaac's -mirth at the Captain's Expense - - -Next morning I agreed to give the master of the waggon ten shillings -for my passage to London, provided Strap should be allowed to -take my place when I should be disposed to walk. At the same time -I desired him to appease the incensed captain, who had entered the -kitchen with a drawn sword in his hand, and threatened with many -oaths to sacrifice the villain who attempted to violate his bed; -but it was to no purpose for the master to explain the mistake, and -assure him of the poor lad's innocence, who stood trembling behind -me all the while: the more submission that appeared in Strap, the -more implacable seemed the resentment of Weazel, who swore he must -either fight him or he would instantly put him to death. I was -extremely provoked at this insolence, and told him, it could not -be supposed that a poor barber lad would engage a man of the sword -at his own weapon; but I was persuaded he would wrestle or box with -him. To which proposal Strap immediately gave assent, by saying, -"he would box with him for a guinea." Weazel replied with a look -of disdain, that it was beneath any gentleman of his character -to fight like a porter, or even to put himself on a footing, in -any respect, with such a fellow as Strap. "Odds bodikins!" cries -Joey, "sure, coptain, yaw would not commit moorder! Here's a poor -lad that is willing to make atonement for his offence; and an that -woan't satisfie yaw, offers to fight yaw fairly. And yaw woan't -box, I dare say, he will coodgel with yaw. Woan't yaw, my lad?" -Strap, after some hesitation, answered, "Yes, yes, I'll cudgel -with him." But this expedient being also rejected by the captain, -I began to smell his character, and, tipping Strap the wink, told -the captain that I had always heard it said, the person who receives -a challenge should have the choice of the weapons; this therefore -being the rule in point of honour, I would venture to promise on -the head of my companion, that he would even fight Captain Weazel -at sharps; but it should be with such sharps as Strap was best -acquainted with, namely, razors. At my mentioning razors: I could -perceive the captain's colour change while Strap, pulling me by the -sleeve, whispered with great eagerness: "No, no, no; for the love -of God, don't make any such bargain." At length, Weazel, recovering -himself, turned towards me, and with a ferocious countenance asked, -"Who the devil are you? Will you fight me?" With these words, -putting himself in a posture, I was grievously alarmed at seeing -the point of a sword within half a foot of my breast; and, springing -to one side, snatched up a spit that stood in the chimney-corner, -with which I kept my formidable adversary at bay, who made a great -many half-longes, skipping backward at every push, till at last I -pinned him up in a corner, to the no small diversion of the company. -While he was in this situation his wife entered, and, seeing -her husband in these dangerous circumstances, uttered a dreadful -scream: in this emergency, Weazel demanded a cessation, which was -immediately granted; and at last was contented with the submission -of Strap, who, falling on his knees before him, protested the -innocence of his intention, and asked pardon for the mistake he -had committed. This affair being ended without bloodshed, we went -to breakfast, but missed two of our company, namely, Miss Jenny -and the usurer. As for the first, Mrs. Weazel informed us, that -she had kept her awake all night with her groans; and that when -she rose in the morning, Miss Jenny was so much indisposed that she -could not proceed on her journey. At that instant, a message came -from her to the master of the waggon, who immediately went into her -chamber, followed by us all. She told him in a lamentable tone, that -she was afraid of a miscarriage, owing to the fright she received -last night from the brutality of Isaac; and, as the event was -uncertain, desired the usurer might be detained to answer for the -consequence. Accordingly, this ancient Tarquin was found in the -waggon, whither he had retired to avoid the shame of last night's -disgrace, and brought by force into her presence. He no sooner -appeared than she began to weep and sigh most piteously, and told -us, if she died, she would leave her blood upon the head of that -ravisher. Poor Isaac turned up his eyes and hands to heaven, prayed -that God would deliver him from the machinations of that Jezebel; -and assured us, with tears in his eyes, that his being found in -bed with her was the result of her own invitation. The waggoner, -understanding the case, advised Isaac to make it up, by giving her -a sum of money: to which advice he replied with great vehemence, "A -sum of money!--a halter for the cockatrice!" "Oh! 'tis very well," -said Miss Jenny; "I see it is in vain to attempt that flinty heart -of his by fair means. Joey, be so good as to go to the justice, -and tell him there is a sick person here, who wants to see him on -an affair of consequence." At the name of justice Isaac trembled, -and bidding Joey stay, asked with a quavering voice, "What she -would have? She told him that, as he had not perpetrated his wicked -purpose, she would be satisfied with a small matter. And though -the damage she might sustain in her health might be irreparable, -she would give him a release for a hundred guineas." "A hundred -guineas!" cried he in an ecstacy, "a hundred furies! Where should -a poor old wretch like me have a hundred guineas? If I had so -much money, d'ya think I should be found travelling in a waggon, -at this season of the year?" "Come, come" replied Jenny, "none of -your miserly artifice here. You think I don't know Isaac Rapine, -the money-broker, in the Minories. Ah! you old rogue! many a pawn -have you had of me and my acquaintance, which was never redeemed." -Isaac, finding it was in vain to disguise himself, offered twenty -shillings for a discharge, which she absolutely refused under fifty -pounds: at last, however, she was brought down to five, which he -paid with great reluctancy, rather than be prosecuted for a rape. -After which accommodation, the sick person made a shift to get into -the waggon, and we set forward in great tranquillity; Strap being -accommodated with Joey's horse, the driver himself choosing to -walk. The morning and forenoon we were entertained with an account -of the valour of Captain Weazel, who told us he had once knocked -down a soldier that made game of him; tweaked a drawer by the nose, -who found fault with his picking his teeth with a fork, at another -time; and that he had moreover challenged a cheesemonger, who had -the presumption to be his rival: for the truth of which exploits he -appealed to his wife. She confirmed whatever he said, and observed, -"The last affair happened that very day on which I received a -love-letter from Squire Gobble, and don't you remember, my dear, -I was prodigiously sick that very night with eating ortolans, when -my Lord Diddle took notice of my complexion's being altered, and -my lady was so alarmed that she had well nigh fainted?" "Yes, my -dear," replied the captain, "you know my lord said to me, with a -sneer, "Billy, Mrs. Weazel is certainly breeding. "And I answered -cavalierly, "My lord, I wish I could return the compliment. "Upon -which the whole company broke out into an immoderate fit of laughter; -and my lord, who loves a repartee dearly, came round and bussed -me." We travelled in this manner five days, without interruption -or meeting anything worth notice: Miss Jenny, who soon recovered -her spirits, entertaining us every day with diverting songs, of -which she could sing a great number; and rallying her own gallant, -who, notwithstanding, would never be reconciled to her. On the sixth -day, while we were about to sit down to dinner, the innkeeper came -and told us, that three gentlemen, just arrived, had ordered the -victuals to be carried to their apartment, although he had informed -them that they were bespoke by the passengers in the waggon. To -which information they had replied, "the passengers in the waggon -might be d--d, their betters must be served before them; they -supposed it would be no hardship on such travellers to dine upon -bread and cheese for one day." This was a terrible disappointment -to us all; and we laid our heads together how to remedy it; when -Miss Jenny observed that Captain Weazel, being by profession a -soldier, ought in this case to protect and prevent us from being -insulted. But the Captain excused himself, saying, he would not for -all the world be known to have travelled in a waggon! swearing at -the same time, that could he appear with honour, they should eat -his sword sooner than his provision. Upon this declaration, Miss -Jenny, snatching his weapon, drew it, and ran immediately into -the kitchen, where she threatened to put the cook to death if be -did not send the victuals into our chamber immediately. The noise -she made brought the three strangers down, one of whom no sooner -perceived her than he cried, "Ha! Jenny Ramper! what the devil -brought thee hither?" "My dear Jack Rattle!" replied she, running -into his arms, "is it you? Then Weazel may go to hell for a dinner--I -shall dine with you." - -They consented to this proposal with a great deal of joy; and we -were on the point of being reduced to a very uncomfortable meal, -when Joey, understanding the whole affair, entered the kitchen -with a pitchfork in his hand, and swore he would be the death of -any man who should pretend to seize the victuals prepared for the -waggon. The menace had like to have produced fatal consequences; -the three strangers drawing their swords, and being joined by their -servants, and we ranging ourselves on the side of Joey; when the -landlord, interposing, offered to part with his own dinner to keep -the peace, which was accepted by the strangers; and we sat down at -table without any further molestation. In the afternoon, I chose -to walk along with Joey, and Strap took my place. Having entered -into a conversation with this driver, I soon found him to be a merry, -facetious, good-natured fellow, and withal very arch; he informed -me, that Miss Jenny was a common girl upon the town, who, falling -into company with a recruiting officer, he carried her down in the -stage coach from London to Newcastle, where he bad been arrested -for debt, and was now in prison; upon which she was fain to return -to her former way of life, by this conveyance. He told me likewise, -that one of the gentleman's servants, who were left at the inn, -having accidentally seen Weazel, immediately knew him, and acquainted -Joey with some particulars of his character. That he had served my -Lord Frizzle in quality of valet-de-chambre many years, while be -lived separate from his lady; but, upon their reconciliation, she -expressly insisted upon Weazel's being turned off, as well as the -woman he kept: when his lordship, to get rid of them both with -a good grace, proposed that he should marry his Mistress, and he -would procure a commission for him in the army: this expedient was -agreed to, and Weazel is now, by his lordship's interest, ensigned -in --'s regiment. I found he and I had the same sentiments with -regard to Weazel's courage, which he resolved to put to the trial, -by alarming the passengers with the cry of a 'highwayman!' as soon -as a horseman should appear. - -This scheme we put in practice, towards the dusk, when we descried -a man on horseback approaching us. Joey had no sooner intimated -to the people in the waggon, that he was afraid we should be all -robbed than a general consternation arose: Strap jumped out of -the waggon, and hid himself behind a hedge. The usurer put forth -ejaculations, and made a rustling among the straw, which made us -conjecture he had hid something under it. Mrs. Weazel, wringing -her hands uttered lamentable cries: and the captain, to our great -amazement, began to snore; but this artifice did not succeed; -for Miss Jenny, shaking him by the shoulder, bawled out, "Sdeath! -captain, is this a time to snore, when we are going to be robbed? -Get up for shame, and behave like a soldier and man of honour!" -Weazel pretended to be in a great passion for being disturbed, and -swore he would have his nap out if all the highwaymen in England -surrounded him. "D--n my blood! what are you afraid of?" continued -he; at the same time trembling with such agitation that the whole -carriage shook. This singular piece of behaviour incensed Miss -Ramper so much that she cried, "D--n your pitiful soul, you are -as arrant a poltroon, as ever was drummed out of a regiment. Stop -the waggon, Joey--let me out, and by G--d, if I have rhetoric enough, -the thief shall not only take your purse, but your skin also." So -saying she leaped out with great agility. By this time the horseman -came up and happened to be a gentleman's servant well known to -Joey, who communicated the scheme, and desired him to carry it on -a little further, by going into the waggon, and questioning those -within. The stranger, consenting for the sake of diversion, approached -it, and in a terrible tone demanded, "Who have we got here?" Isaac -replied, with a lamentable voice, "Here's a poor miserable sinner, -who has got a small family to maintain, and nothing in the world -wherewithal, but these fifteen shillings which if you rob me -of we must all starve together." "Who's that sobbing in the other -corner?" said the supposed highwayman. "A poor unfortunate woman," -answered Mrs. Weazle, upon whom I beg you, for Christ's sake, to -have compassion." "Are you maid or wife," said he. "Wife, to my -sorrow," said she. "Who, or where is your husband?" continued he. -"My husband," replied Mrs. Weazel, is an officer in the army and was -left sick at the last inn where we dined." "You must be mistaken, -madam," said he, "for I myself saw him get into the waggon this -afternoon. But pray what smell is that? Sure your lapdog has befouled -himself; let me catch hold of the nasty cur, I'll teach him better -manners." Here he laid hold of one of Weazel's legs, and pulled -him out from under his wife's petticoat, where he had concealed -himself. The poor trembling captain, being detected in his inglorious -situation, rubbed his eyes, and affecting to wake out of sleep, -cried, "What's the matter? What's the matter?" "The matter is not -much," answered the horseman; "I only called in to inquire after -your health, and so adieu, most noble captain." He clapped spurs to -his horse, and was out of sight in a moment. - -It was some time before Weazel could recollect himself, but at -length reassuming the big look, he said, "D--n the fellow! why did -he ride away before I had time to ask him how his lord and lady -do I? Don't you remember Tom, my dear?" addressing himself to his -wife. "Yes," replied she, "I think I do remember something of the -fellow, but you know I seldom converse with people of his station." -"Hey-day!" cried Joey, "do yaw knaw the young mon, coptain?" "Know -him," said Weazel, "many a time has he filled a glass of Burgundy -for me, at my Lord Trippett's table." "And what may his name be, -coptain?" said Joey. "His name!--his name," replied Weazel, "is -Tom Rinser." "Waunds," cried Joey, "a has changed his own neame -then! for I'se lay a wager he was christened John Trotter." This -observation raised a laugh against the captain, who seemed very much -disconcerted; when Isaac broke silence, and said, "It is no matter -who or what he was, since he has not proved the robber we suspected, -and we ought to bless God for our narrow escape." "Bless God," -said Weazel, "bless the devil! for what? Had he been a highwayman, -I should have eaten his blood, body, and guts, before he had robbed -me, or any one in this diligence." "Ha, ha, ha," cried Miss Jenny, -"I believe you will eat all you kill, indeed, captain." The usurer -was so well pleased at the event of this adventure, that he could -not refrain from being severe, and took notice that Captain Weazel -seemed to be a good Christian, for he had armed himself with -patience and resignation, instead of carnal weapons; and worked -out his salvation with fear and trembling. This piece of satire -occasioned a great deal of mirth at Weazel's expense, who muttered -a great many oaths, and threatened to cut Isaac's throat. The -usurer, taking hold of this menace, said, "Gentlemen and ladies, -I take you all to witness, that in my life is in danger from this -bloody-minded officer; I'll have him bound over to the peace." This -second sneer produced another laugh against him, and he remained -crestfallen during the remaining part of our journey. - - - - - -CHAPTER XIII - - - - -Strap and I are terrified by an Apparition--Strap's Conjecture--the -Mystery explained by Joey--we arrive in London-our Dress and -Appearance described--we are insulted in the Street--an Adventure -in an Alehouse--we are imposed upon by a waggish Footman--set -to rights by a Tobacconist--take Lodgings--dive for a Dinner--an -Accident at our Ordinary - - -We arrived at our inn, supped, and went to bed; but Strap's distemper -continuing, he was obliged to rise in the middle of the night, and -taking the candle in his hand, which he had left burning for the -purpose, he went down to the house of office, whence in a short -time he returned in a great hurry, with his hair standing on end, -and a look betokening horror and astonishment. Without speaking a -word, he set down the light and jumped into bed behind me, where -he lay and trembled with great violence. When I asked him what -was the matter, he replied, with a broken accent, "God have mercy -on us! I have seen the devil!" Though my prejudice was not quite -so strong as his, I was not a little alarmed at this exclamation, -and much more so when I heard the sound of bells approaching our -chamber, and felt my bedfellow cling close to me, uttering these -words, "Christ have mercy upon us; there he comes!" At that instance -a monstrous overgrown raven entered our chamber, with bells at -his feet, and made directly towards our bed. As this creature is -reckoned in our country a common vehicle for the devil and witches -to play their pranks in, I verily believed we were haunted; and, -in a violent fright, shrank under the bedclothes. This terrible -apparition leaped upon the bed, and after giving us several severe -dabs with its beak. through the blankets, hopped away, and vanished. -Strap and I recommended ourselves to the protection of heaven with -great devotion, and, when we no longer heard the noise, ventured to -peep up and take breath. But we had not been long freed from this -phantom, when another appeared, that had well nigh deprived us both -of our senses. We perceived an old man enter the room, with a long -white beard that reached to his middle; there was a certain wild -peculiarity in his eyes and countenance that did not savour of -this world; and his dress consisted of a brown stuff coat, buttoned -behind and at the wrists, with an odd-fashioned cap of the same -stuff upon his head. I was so amazed that I had not power to move -my eyes from such a ghastly object, but lay motionless. and saw -him come straight up to me: when he reached the bed, he wrung his -hands, and cried, with a voice that did not seem to belong to a -human creature, "Where is Ralph?" I made no reply: upon which he -repeated, in an accent still more preternatural, "Where is Ralpho?" -He had no sooner pronounced these words than I heard the sound of -the bells at a distance; which the apparition, having listened to, -tripped away, and left me almost petrified with fear. It was a good -while before I could recover myself so far as to speak; and, when -at length I turned to Strap, I found him in a fit, which, however, -did not last long. When he came to himself, I asked his opinion of -what had happened; and he assured me that the first must certainly -be the soul of some person damned, which appeared by the chain about -his legs (for his fears had magnified the creature to the bigness -of a horse, and the sound of small morice-bells to the clanking of -massy chains). As for the old man, he took it to be the spirit of -somebody murdered long ago in this place, which had power granted -to forment the assassin in the shape of a raven, and that Ralpho -was the name of the said murderer. Although I had not much faith -in this interpretation, I was too much troubled to enjoy any sleep: -and in all my future adventures never passed a night so ill. - -In the morning Strap imparted the whole affair to Joey, who, after -an immoderate fit of laughter, explained the matter, by telling him -that the old man was the landlord's father, who had been an idiot -some years, and diverted himself with a tame raven, which, it seems, -had hopped away from his apartment in the night, and induced him -to follow it to our chamber, where he had inquired after it under -the name of Ralpho. - -Nothing remarkable happened during the remaining part of our journey, -which continued six or seven days longer: at length we entered the -great city, and lodged all night at the inn where the waggon put -up. Next morning all the passengers parted different ways, while my -companion and I sallied out to inquire for the member of parliament, -to whom I had a letter of recommendation from Mr. Crab. As we had -discharged our lodging at the inn, Strap took up our baggage and, -marched behind me in the street with the knapsack on his back, as -usual, so that we made a very whimsical appearance. I had dressed -myself to the greatest advantage; that is, put on a clean ruffled -shirt, and my best thread stockings: my hair (which was of the -deepest red) hung down upon my shoulders, as lank and straight as -a pound of candles; and the skirts of my coat reached to the middle -of my leg; my waistcoat and breeches were of the same piece, and -cut in the same taste; and my hat very much resembled a barber's -basin, in the shallowness of the crown and narrowness of the -brim. Strap was habited in a much less awkward manner: but a short -crop-eared wig, that very much resembled Scrub's in the play, and -the knapsack on his back, added to what is called a queer phiz, -occasioned by a long chin, a hook nose, and high cheek bones, rendered -him, on the whole, a very fit subject of mirth and pleasantry. As -he walked along, Strap, at my desire, inquired of a carman, whom -we met, whereabouts Mr. Cringer lived: and was answered by a stare, -accompanied with the word "Anan!" Upon which I came up, in order to -explain the question, but had the misfortune to be unintelligible -likewise, the carman damning us for a lousy Scotch guard, whipping -his horses with a "Gee ho!" which nettled me to the quick, and -roused the indignation of Strap so far that, after the fellow was -gone a good way, he told me he would fight him for a farthing. - -While we were deliberating upon what was to be done, a hackney -coachman, driving softly along, and perceiving us standing by the -kennel, came up close to us, and calling, "A coach, master!" by a -dexterous management of the reins made his horses stumble in the -wet, and bedaub us all over with mud. After which exploit he drove -on, applauding himself with a hearty laugh, in which several people -joined, to my great mortification; but one, more compassionate than -the rest, seeing us strangers, advised me to go into an alehouse, -and dry myself. I thanked him for his advice, which I immediately -complied with; and, going into the house he pointed out, called -for a pot of beer, and sat down by a fire in the public room. where -we cleaned ourselves as well as we could. In the meantime, a wag, -who sat in a box, smoking his pipe, understanding, by our dialect, -that we were from Scotland, came up to me. and, with a grave -countenance asked how long I had been caught. As I did not know the -meaning of this question, I made no answer; and he went on, saying -it could not be a great while, for my tail was not yet cut; at -the same time taking hold of my hair, and tipping the wink to the -rest of the company, who seemed highly entertained with his wit. -I was incensed at this usage, but afraid of resenting it, because -I happened to be in a strange place, and perceived the person who -spoke to me was a brawny fellow, for whom I thought myself by no -means a match. However, Strap, having either more courage or less -caution, could not put up with the insults I suffered, but told him -in a peremptory tone, "He was an uncivil fellow for making so free -with his betters." Then the wit going toward him, asked him what -he had got in his knapsack? "Is it oatmeal or brimstone, Sawney?" -said he, seizing him by the chin, which he shook, to the inexpressible -diversion of all present. My companion, feeling himself assaulted -in such an opprobrious manner, disengaged himself in a trice, and -lent his antagonist such a box on the ear as made him stagger to -the other side of the room; and, in a moment, a ring was formed -for the combatants. Seeing Strap beginning to strip, and my blood -being heated with indignation, which banished all other thoughts, -I undressed myself to the skin in an instant, and declared, that -as the affront that occasioned the quarrel was offered to me, I -would fight it out myself; upon which one or two cried out, "That's -a brave Scotch boy; you shall have fair play." His assurance gave -me fresh spirits, and, going up to my adversary, who by his pale -countenance did not seem much inclined to the battle, I struck him -so hard on the stomach, that he reeled over a bench, and fell to -the ground. Then I attempted to keep him down, in order to improve -my success, according to the manner of my own country, but was -restrained by the spectators, one of whom endeavoured to raise -up my opponent, but in vain; for he protested he would not fight, -for he was not quite recovered of a late illness. I was very well -pleased with this excuse, and immediately dressed myself, having -acquired the good opinion of the company for my bravery, as well -as of my comrade Strap, who shook me by the hand, and wished me -joy of the victory. - -After having drunk our pot, and dried our clothes, we inquired -of the landlord if he knew Mr. Cringer, the member of parliament, -and were amazed at his replying in the negative; for we imagined -he must be altogether as conspicuous here as in the borough he -represented; but he told us we might possibly hear of him as we -passed along. We betook ourselves therefore to the street, where -seeing a footman standing at the door, we made up to him, and asked -if he knew where our patron lived? This member of the particoloured -fraternity, surveying us both very minutely, said he knew Mr. -Cringer very well, and bade us turn down the first street on our -left, then turn to the right, and then to the left again, after -which perambulation we would observe a lane, through which we must -pass, and at the other end we should find an alley that leads to -another street, where we should see the sign of the Thistle and Three -Pedlars, and there he lodged. We thanked him for his information, -and went forwards, Strap telling me, that he knew this person to -be an honest friendly man by his countenance, before he opened his -mouth; in which opinion I acquiesced, ascribing his good manners -to the company he daily saw in the house where he served. - -We followed his directions punctually, in turning to the left, and -to the right, and to the left again; but instead of seeing a lane -before us, found ourselves at the side of the river, a circumstance -that perplexed us not a little; and my fellow-traveller ventured -to pronounce, that we bad certainly missed our way. By this time -we were pretty much fatigued with our walk, and not knowing how -to proceed, I went into a small snuff-shop hard by, encouraged -by the sign of the Highlander, where I found, to my inexpressible -satisfaction, the shopkeeper was my countryman. He was no sooner -informed of our peregrination, and the directions we had received -from the footman, than he informed us we had been imposed upon, -telling us, Mr. Cringer lived in the other end of the town and that -it would be to no purpose for us to go thither to-day, for by that -time he was gone to the House. I then asked, if he could recommend -us a lodging. He really gave us a line to one of his acquaintance -who kept a chandler's shop not far from St. Martin's Lane; there -we hired a bed-room, up two pair of stairs, at the rate of two -shillings per week, so very small, that when the bed was let down, -we were obliged to carry out every other piece of furniture that -belonged to the apartment, and use the bedstead by way of chairs. -About dinner-time, our landlord asked how we proposed to live? to -which interrogation we answered, that we would be directed by him. -"Well, then," says he, "there are two ways of eating in this town -for people of your condition--the one more creditable and expensive -than the other: the first is to dine at an eating-house frequented -by well-dressed people only; and the other is called diving, practised -by those who are either obliged or inclined to live frugally." I -gave him to understand that, provided the last was not infamous, -it would suit much better with our circumstances than the other. -"Infamous!" cried he, "not at all; there are many creditable people, -rich people, ay, and fine people, that dive every day. I have seen -many a pretty gentleman with a laced waistcoat dine in that manner -very comfortably for three pence halfpenny, and go afterwards to -the coffee-house, where he made a figure with the best lord in the -land; but your own eyes shall bear witness--I will go along with -you to-day and introduce you." - - -He accordingly conducted us to a certain lane, where stopping, he -bade us observe him, and do as he did, and, walking a few paces, -dived into a cellar and disappeared in an instant. I followed his -example, and descending very successfully, found myself in the -middle of a cook's shop, almost suffocated with the steams of boiled -beef, and surrounded by a company of hackney coachmen, chairmen, -draymen, and a few footmen out of place or on board-wages; who -sat eating shin of beef, tripe, cow-heel, or sausages, at separate -boards, covered with cloths which turned my stomach. While I stood -in amaze, undetermined whether to sit down or walk upwards again, -Strap, in his descent, missing one of the stops, tumbled headlong -into this infernal ordinary, and overturned the cook as she carried -a porringer of soup to one of the guests. In her fall, she dashed -the whole mess against the legs of a drummer belonging to the -foot-guards, who happened to be in her way, and scalded him so -miserably, that he started up, and danced up and down, uttering a -volley of execrations that made my hair stand on end. - -While he entertained the company in this manner, with an eloquence -peculiar to himself, the cook got up, and after a hearty curse on -the poor author of this mischance, who lay under the table with a -woful countenance, emptied a salt-cellar in her hand, and, stripping -down the patient's stocking, which brought the skin along with it, -applied the contents to the sore. This poultice was scarce laid -on, when the drummer, who had begun to abate of his exclamations, -broke forth into such a hideous yell as made the whole company -tremble, then, seizing a pewter pint pot that stood by him, squeezed -the sides of it together, as if it had been made of pliant leather, -grinding his teeth at the same time with a most horrible grin. -Guessing the cause of this violent transport, I bade the woman -wash off the salt, and bathe the part with oil, which she did, and -procured him immediate ease. But here another difficulty occurred, -which was no other than the landlady's insisting on his paying for -the pot he had rendered useless. He said, he would pay for nothing -but what he had eaten, and bade her be thankful for his moderation, -or else he would prosecute her for damages. Strap, foreseeing the -whole affair would lie at his door, promised to satisfy the cook, -and called for a dram of gin to treat the drummer, which entirely -appeased him, and composed all animosities. After this accommodation, -our landlord and we sat down at a board, and dined upon shin of -beef most deliciously; our reckoning amounting to twopence halfpenny -each, bread and small beer included. - - - - - -CHAPTER XIV - - - - -We visit Strap's friend--a description of him--his advice--we go -to Mr. Cringer's house--are denied admittance--an Accident befalls -Strap--his behaviour thereupon--an extraordinary adventure occurs, -in the course of which I lose all my money - - -In the afternoon my companion proposed to call at his friend's -house, which, we were informed, was in the neighbourhood, whither -we accordingly went, and were so lucky as to find him at home. This -gentleman, who had come from Scotland three or four years before, -kept a school in town, where he taught the Latin, French, and Italian -languages; but what he chiefly professed was the pronunciation of -the English tongue, after a method more speedy and uncommon than -any practised heretofore, and, indeed, if his scholars spoke like -their master, the latter part of his undertaking was certainly -performed to a tittle: for although I could easily understand every -word of what I had heard hitherto since I entered England, three -parts in four of his dialect were as unintelligible to me as if -he had spoken in Arabic or Irish. He was a middle-sized man, and -stooped very much, though not above the age of forty; his face was -frightfully pitted with the small-pox, and his mouth extended from -ear to ear. He was dressed in a night-gown of plaid, fastened about -his middle with a sergeant's old sash, and a tie-periwig with -a foretop three inches high, in the fashion of King Charles the -Second's reign. - -After he had received Strap, who was related to him, very -courteously, he inquired of him who I was; and being informed, he -took me by the hand, telling me he was at school with my father. -When he understood my situation, he assured me that he would do -me all the service in his power, both by his advice and otherwise, -and while he spoke these words eyed me with great attention, walking -round me several times, and muttering, "Oh, dear! Oh, dear! fat a -saight is here!" I soon guessed the reason of his ejaculation, and -said, "I suppose, sir, you are not pleased with my dress." "Dress," -answered he, "you may caal it fat you please in your country, but -I vow to Gad 'tis a masquerade here. No Christian will admit such -a figure into his house. Upon my conscience, I wonder the dogs -did not hunt you. Did you pass through St. James's market? Bless -my eyesaight! you are like a cousin-german of an ourangoutang." I -began to be a little serious at this discourse, and asked him, if -he thought I should obtain entrance to-morrow at the house of Mr. -Cringer, on whom I chiefly depended for an introduction into business? -"Mr. Cringer, Mr. Cringer," replied he, scratching his cheek, "may -be a very honest gentleman--I know nothing to the contrary; but -is your sole dependence upon him? Who recommended you to him?" -I pulled out Mr. Crab's letter, and told him the foundation of my -hopes, at which he stared at me, and repeated "Oh dear! Oh dear!" -I began to conceive bad omens from this behaviour of his, and begged -he would assist me with his advice, which he promised to give very -frankly; and as a specimen, directed us to a periwig warehouse -in the neighbourhood, in order to be accommodated; laying strong -injunctions on me not to appear before Mr. Cringer till I had parted -with my carroty locks, which, he said, were sufficient to beget an -antipathy against me in all mankind. And as we were going to pursue -this advice, he called me back and bade me be sure to deliver my -letter into Mr. Cringer's own hand. - -As we walked along, Strap triumphed greatly in our reception with -his friend, who, it seems, had assured him he would in a day or -two provide for him with some good master; I and now," says he, "I -you will see how I will fit you with a wig. There's ne'er a barber -in London (and that's a bold word) can palm a rotten caul, or -a pennyweight of dead hair, upon me." And, indeed, this zealous -adherent did wrangle so long with the merchant, that he was desired -twenty times to leave the shop, and see if lie could get one cheaper -elsewhere. At "length I made choice (if a good handsome bob), for -which I paid ten shillings, and returned to our lodging, where Strap -in a moment rid me of that hair which had given the schoolmaster -so much offence. - -We got up next day betimes, having been informed that Mr. Cringer -gave audience by candle-light to all his dependents, he himself -being obliged to attend the levee of my Lord Terrier at break of -day, because his lordship made one at the minister's between eight -and nine o'clock. When we came to Mr. Cringer's door, Strap, to -give me all instance of his politeness. ran to the knocker, which -he employed so loud and so long, that he alarmed the whole street; -and a window opening in the second story of the next house, a vessel -was discharged upon him so successfully, that the poor barber was -wet to the skin, while I, being luckily at some distance, escaped -the unsavoury deluge. In the meantime, a footman opening the -door, and seeing nobody in the street but us, asked, with a stern -countenance, if it was I who made such a noise, and what I wanted. -I told him I had business with his master, whom I desired to see. -Upon which he slapped the door in my face, telling me I must learn -better manners before I could have access to his master. Vexed at -this disappointment, I turned my resentment against Strap, whom I -sharply reprimanded for his presumption; but he, not in the least -regarding what I said, wrung the wet out of his periwig, and lifting -up a large stone, flung it with such force against the street door -of that house from whence he had been bedewed, that the lock giving -way, it flew wide open, and he took to his heels, leaving me to -follow him as I could. Indeed, there was no time for deliberation; -I therefore pursued him with all the speed I could exert, until we -found ourselves about the dawn in a street we did not know. Here, -as we wandered along gaping about, a very decent sort of a man, -passing by me, stopped of a sudden and took up something, which -having examined, he turned and presented to me with these words: -"Sir, you have dropped half-a-crown." I was not a little surprised -at this instance of honesty, and told him it did not belong to me; -but he bade me recollect, and see if all my money was safe; upon -which I pulled out my purse, for I had bought one since I came to -town, and, reckoning my money in my hand, which was now reduced to -five guineas seven shillings and twopence, assured him I had lost -nothing. "Well, then, says he, so much the better; this is a -godsend, and as you two were present when I picked it up, you are -entitled to equal shares with me." I was astonished at these words, -and looked upon this person to be a prodigy of integrity, but -absolutely refused to take any part of the sum. "Come, gentlemen," -said he, "you are too modest--I see you are strangers, but you shall -give me leave to treat you with a whet this cold raw morning." I -would have declined the invitation, but Strap whispered to me that -the gentleman would be affronted, and I complied. "Where shall we -go?" said the stranger; "I am quite ignorant of this part of the -town." I informed him that we were in the same situation; upon -which he proposed to go into the first public-house we should find -open; and as we walked together, he began in this manner: "I find -by your tongues you are from Scotland, gentlemen; my grandmother -by the father's side was of your country, and I am so prepossessed -in its favour, that I never meet a Scotchman but my heart warms. -The Scots are very brave people. There is scarce a great family -in the kingdom that cannot boast of some exploits performed by its -ancestors many hundred years ago. There's your Douglasses, Gordons, -Campbells, Hamiltons. We have no such ancient families here -in England. Then you are all very well educated. I have known -a pedlar talk in Greek and Hebrew as well as if they had been his -mother-tongue. And for honesty--I once had a servant, his name was -Gregor Macgregor, I would have trusted him with untold gold." - -This eulogium of my native country gained my affections so strongly, -that I believe I could have gone to death to serve the author; -and Strap's eyes swam in tears. At length, as we passed through a -dark narrow lane, we perceived a public-house, which we entered, -and found a man sitting by the fire, smoking a pipe, with a pint -of purl before him. Our new acquaintance asked us if ever we had -drunk egg-flip? To which question we answering in the negative, he -assured us of a regale, and ordered a quart to be prepared, calling -for pipes and tobacco at the same time. We found this composition -very palateable, and drank heartily; the conversation, which was -introduced by the gentleman, turning upon the snares that young -inexperienced people are exposed to in this metropolis. He described -a thousand cheats that are daily practised upon the ignorant and -unwary, and warned us of them with so much good nature and concern, -that we blessed the opportunity which threw us in his way. After -we had put the can about for some time, our new friend began to -yawn, telling us he had been up all night with a sick person; and -proposed we should have recourse to some diversion to keep him -awake. "Suppose," said he, "we should take a hand at whist for -pastime. But let me see: that won't do, there's only three of us; -and I cannot play at any other game. The truth is, I seldom or never -play, but out of complaisance, or at such a time as this, when I -am in danger of falling asleep," - -Although I was not much inclined to gaming, I felt no aversion to -pass an hour or two at cards with a friend; and knowing that Strap -understood as much of the matter as I, made no scruple of saying, "I -wish we could find a fourth hand." While we were in this perplexity -the person whom we found in the house at our entrance, overhearing -our discourse, took the pipe from his mouth very gravely, and -accosted us thus: "Gentlemen, my pipe is out, you see," shaking -the ashes into the fire, "and rather than you should be balked, I -don't care if I take a hand with you for a trifle--but remember I -won't play for anything of consequence." We accepted his proffer -with pleasure. Having cut for partners, it fell to my lot to play -with him against our friend and Strap, for threepence a game. We -were so successful, that in a short time I was half-a-crown gainer; -when the gentleman whom we had met in the street observing he had -no luck to-day, proposed to leave off, or change partners. By this -time I was inflamed with my good fortune and the expectation of -improving it, as I perceived the two strangers played but indifferently; -therefore I voted for giving him his revenge: and cutting again, -Strap and I, to our mutual satisfaction, happened to be partners. -My good fortune attended me still, and in less than an hour we had -got thirty shillings of their money, for as they lost they grew -the keener, and doubled stakes every time. At last the inconstant -goddess began to veer about, and we were very soon stripped of all -our gains, and about forty shillings of our own money. This loss -mortified me extremely, and had a visible effect on the muscles of -Strap's face, which lengthened apace; but our antagonists perceiving -our condition, kindly permitted us to retrieve our loss, and -console ourselves with a new acquisition. Then my companion wisely -suggested. it was time to be gone; upon which the person who bad -joined us in the house began to curse the cards, and muttered that -we were indebted to fortune only for what we had got, no part of -our success being owing to our good play. This insinuation nettled -me so much that I challenged him to a game at piquet for a crown: -and he was with difficulty persuaded to accept the invitation. This -contest ended in less than an hour to my inexpressible affliction, -who lost every shilling of my own money, Strip absolutely refusing -to supply me with a sixpence. - -The gentleman at whose request we bad come in, perceiving by my -disconsolate looks the situation of my heart. which well nigh burst -with grief and resentment, when the other stranger got up, and went -away with my money, began in this manner:--"I am truly afflicted at -your bad luck. and would willingly repair it, were it in my power. -But what in the name of goodness could provoke you to tempt your -fate so long? It is always a maxim with gamesters to pursue success -as far us it will go, and to stop whenever fortune shifts about. -You are a young man, and your passions are too impetuous; you must -learn to govern them better. However, there is no experience like -that which is bought; you will be the better for this the longest -day you have to live. As for the fellow who has got your money, I -don't half like him. Did not you see me tip you the wink to leave -off in time?" I answered, "No." "No," continued he; "you was too -eager to mind anything but the game. But, harkee," said he in a -whisper, "are you satisfied of that young man's honesty? His looks -are a little suspicious--but I may be mistaken; he made a great many -grimaces while he stood behind you, this is a very wicked town." I -told him I was very well convinced of my comrade's integrity and, -that the grimaces he mentioned were doubtless owing to his anxiety -of my loss. "Oh ho! if that be the case, I ask his pardon. Landlord, -see what's to pay." The reckoning amounted to eighteenpence, which, -having discharged, the gentleman shook us both by the hand, and, -saying he should be very glad to see us again, departed. - - - - - -CHAPTER XV - - - - -Strap moralises--presents his purse to me--we inform our landlord -of our misfortune--he unravels the mystery--I present myself to -Cringer--he recommends and turns me over to Mr. Staytape--I become -acquainted with a fellow dependent, who explains the character of -Cringer and Staytape--and informs me of the method to be pursued -at the Navy Office and Surgeons' Hall--Strap is employed - - -In our way to our lodging, after a profound silence on both sides, -Strap, with a hideous groan, observed that we had brought our -pigs to a fine market. To this observation I made no reply, and he -went on: "God send us well out of this place; we have not been in -London eight and forty hours, and I believe we have met with eight -and forty thousand misfortunes. We have been jeered, reproached, -buffeted, and at last stript of our money; and I suppose by and -bye we shall be stript of our skins. Indeed as to the money part of -it, that was owing to our own folly.--Solomon says, 'Bray a fool -in a mortar, and he will never be wise.' Ah! God help us, an ounce -of prudence is worth a pound of gold." This was no time for him to -tamper with my disposition, already mad with my loss, and inflamed -with resentment against him for having refused me a little money -to attempt to retrieve it. I therefore turned towards him with a -stern countenance, and asked, who he called fool? Being altogether -unaccustomed to such looks from me, he stood still, and stared in -my face for some time; then, with some confusion, uttered, "Fool! -I called nobody fool but myself; I am sure I am the greatest fool -of the two, for being so much concerned at other people's misfortunes; -but 'Nemo omnibus horis sapit'--that's all, that's all." Upon which -a silence ensued, which brought us to our lodging, where I threw -myself upon the bed in an agony of despair, resolved to perish -rather than apply to my companion, or any other body, for relief; -but Strap, who knew my temper, and whose heart bled within him for -my distress, after some pause came to the bedside, and, putting -a leathern purse into my hand, burst into tears, crying, "I know -what you think, but I scorn your thought. There's all I have in -the world, take it, and I'll perhaps get more for you before that -be done. If not, I'll beg for you, steal for you, go through the -wide world with you, and stay with you; for though I be a poor -cobbler's son, I am no scout." I was so much touched with the -generous passion of this poor creature, that I could not refrain -from weeping also, and we mingled our tears together for some -time. Upon examining the purse, I found in it two half-guineas -and half-a-crown, which I would have returned to him, saying, he -knew better than I how to manage it, but he, absolutely refused -my proposal and told me it was more reasonable and decent that he -should depend upon me, who was a gentleman, than that I should be -controlled by him. - -After this friendly contest was over, and our minds more at ease, -we informed our landlord of what had happened to us, taking care -to conceal the extremity to which we were reduced. He no sooner -heard the story, than he assured us we had been grievously imposed -upon by a couple of sharpers, who were associates; and that this -polite, honest, friendly, humane person, who had treated us so -civilly, was no other than a rascally money-dropper, we made it -his business to decoy strangers in that manner to one of his own -haunts, where an accomplice or two were always waiting to assist -in pillaging the prey he had run down. Here the good man recounted -a great many stories of people who has been seduced, cheated, pilfered, -beat--nay, even murdered by such villains. I was confounded at the -artifice and wickedness of mankind; and Strap, lifting up his eyes -and hands to heaven, prayed that God would deliver him from such -scenes of iniquity, for surely the devil had set up his throne in -London. Our landlord being curious to know what reception we had -met with at Mr. Cringer's, we acquainted him with the particulars, -at which he shook his head, and told us we had not gone the right -way to work; that there was nothing to be done with a member of -parliament without a bribe; that the servant was commonly infected -with the master's disease, and expected to be paid for his work, -as well as his betters. He therefore advised me to give the footman -a shilling the next time I should desire admittance to my patron, -or else I should scarce find an opportunity to deliver my letter. -Accordingly, next morning, when the door was opened, I slipped a -shilling into his hand, and told him I had a letter for his master. -I found the good effect of my liberality; for the fellow let me in -immediately, and, taking the letter out of my hand, desired me to -wait in a kind of passage for an answer. In this place I continued -standing for three-quarters-of-an-hour, during which time I saw a -great many young fellows whom I formerly knew in Scotland pass and -repass, with an air of familiarity, in their way to and from the -audience-chamber; while I was fain to stand shivering in the cold, -and turn my back to them that they might not perceive the lowness -of my condition, At length, Mr. Cringer came out to see a young -gentleman to the door, who was no other than Squire Gawky, dressed -in a very gay suit of clothes; at parting Mr. Cringer shook him by -the hand and told him he hoped to have the pleasure of his company -at dinner. Then turning about towards me, asked what were my -commands? When he understood I was the person who had brought the -letter from Mr. Crab, he affected to recollect my name, which, -however, he pretended he could not do till he had consulted -the letter again; to save him the trouble, I told him my name was -Random. Upon which he went on, "Ay, ay, Random, Random, Random--I -think I remember the name:" and very well he might, for this very -individual, Mr. Cringer, had many a time rode before my grandfather's -cloak-bag, in quality of a footman. "Well," says he, "you propose -to go on board a man-of-war as surgeon's mate." I replied by a -low bow. "I believe it will be a difficult matter," continued he, -"to procure a warrant, there being already such a swarm of Scotch -surgeons at the Navy Office, in expectation of the next vacancy, -that the commissioners are afraid of being torn to pieces, and -have actually applied for a guard to protect them. However, some -ships will soon be put in commission, and then we shall see what's -to be done." So saying, he left me, exceedingly mortified at the -different reception Mr. Gawky and I had met with from this upstart, -proud, mean member, who, I imagined, would have been glad of an -opportunity to be grateful for the obligations he owed to my family. - -At my return, I was surprised with the agreeable news of Strap's -being employed, on the recommendation of his friend, the schoolmaster, -by a periwig-maker in the neighbourhood, who allowed him five -shillings per week besides bed and board. I continued to dance -attendance every other morning at the levee of Mr. Cringer, during -a fortnight; in which time I became acquainted with a young fellow -of my own country and profession, who also depended on the member's -interest, but was treated with much more respect than I, both by -the servants and master, and often admitted into a parlour, where -there was a fire for the convenience of the better sort of those -who waited for him. Thither I was never permitted to penetrate, -on account of my appearance, which was not at all fashionable; but -was obliged to stand blowing my fingers in a cold lobby, and take -the first opportunity of Mr. Cringer's going to the door to speak -with him. - -One day, while I enjoyed this occasion a person was introduced, whom -Mr. Cringer no sooner saw, than, running towards him, he saluted -him with a low bow to the very ground, and afterwards shaking him -by the hand with great heartiness and familiarity, called him his -good friend, and asked very kindly after Mrs. Staytape and the -young ladies; then, after a whisper, which continued some minutes, -wherein I overheard the word 'honour' repeated several times with -great emphasis, Mr. Cringer introduced me to this gentleman, as -to a person whose advice and assistance I might depend upon; and -having given me his direction, followed me to the door, where he -told me I need not give myself the trouble to call at his house any -more, for Mr. Staytape would do my business. At that instant. my -fellow-dependent, coming out after me, overheard the discourse of -Mr. Cringer, and, making up to me in the street, accosted me very -civilly: this address I looked upon as no small honour, considering -the figure he made, for he was dressed in a blue frock with a button, -a green silk waistcoat, trimmed with gold, black velvet breeches, -white silk stockings, silver buckles, a gold-laced hat, a spencer-wig, -and a silver-hilted hanger, with a fine clouded can in his hand. -"I perceive," says he, "you are but lately come from Scotland; -pray what may your business with Mr. Cringer be? I suppose it -is no secret and I may possibly give you some advice that will be -serviceable, for I have been surgeon's second mate on board of a -seventy-gun ship, and consequently know a good deal of the world." - -I made no scruple to disclose my situation, which, when he had -learned, he shook his head, and told me he had been pretty much, -in the same circumstances about a year ago: that he had relied on -Cringer's promises, until his money (which was considerable) as -well as his credit, was quite exhausted; and when he wrote to his -relations for a fresh supply, instead of money he received nothing -but reproaches, and the epithets of idle, debauched fellow. That -after he had waited at the Navy Office many months for a warrant to -no purpose, he was fain to pawn some of his clothes, which raised -a small sum wherewith he bribed the secretary, who soon procured -a warrant for him, notwithstanding he had affirmed the same day, -that there vas not one vacancy. That he had gone on board, where -he remained nine months, at the end of which the ship was put out -of commission, and he said the company were to be paid off in Broad -Street the very next day. That relations being reconciled to him, -had charged him to pay his devoirs regularly to Mr. Cringer, who -had informed them by letter that his interest alone had procured -the warrant; in obedience to which command he came to his levee -every morning; as I saw, though he looked upon him to be a very -pitiful scoundrel. In conclusion, he asked me if I had yet passed -at Surgeons' Hall? To which question I answered, I did not so much -as know it was necessary. "Necessary:" cried he, "Oh then I find I -must instruct you: come along with me, and I'll give you information -about that matter." So Saying, he carried me into an ale-house, -where I called for some beer, and bread and cheese, on which we -breakfasted. While we sat in this place, he told me I must first -go to the Navy Office, and write to the Board, desiring them to -order a letter for me to Surgeon's Hall, that I might be examined, -touching my skill in surgery. That the surgeons, after having examined -me, would give me my qualification sealed up in form of a letter -directed to the commissioners, which qualification I must deliver -to the secretary of the Board, who would open it in my presence, -and read the contents; after which I must employ my interest -to be provided for as soon as possible. That the expense of his -qualification for second mate of a third-rate, amounted to thirteen -shillings, exclusive of the warrant, which cost him half-a-guinea and -half-a-crown, besides a present to the secretary, which consisted -of a three-pound twelve piece. This calculation was like a thunderbolt -to me, whose whole fortune did not amount to twelve shillings. I -accordingly made him acquainted with this part of my distress, after -having thanked him for his information and advice. He condoled me -on this occasion; but bade me be of good cheer, for he had conceived -a friendship for me, and would make all things easy. He was ran out -at present, but to-morrow or next day, he was certain of receiving a -considerable sum; of which he would lend me what would be sufficient -to answer my exigencies. This frank declaration pleased me so much, -that I pulled out my purse, and emptied it before him, begging him -to take what he pleased for pocket-expense, until he should receive -his own money. With a good deal of pressing, he was prevailed upon -to take five shillings telling me that he might have what money he -wanted at any time for the trouble of going into the city; but as -he had met with me, he would defer his going thither till tomorrow, -when I should go along with him, and he would put me in the way -of acting for myself, without a servile dependence on that rascal -Cringer, much less on the tailor to whom he heard him turn me over. -"How!" cried I, "is Mr. Staytape a tailor." "No less, I assure -you," answered he, "and, I confess, more likely to serve you than -the member; for, provided you can entertain him with politics and -conundrums, you may have credit with him for as many and as rich -clothes as you please." I told him, I was utterly ignorant of both, -and so incensed at Cringer's usage, that I would never set foot -within his door again. - -After a good deal more conversation, my new acquaintance and -I parted, having made an appointment to meet next day at the same -place; in order to set out for the city. I went immediately to -Strap and related everything which had happened, but he did not -at all approve of my being so forward to lend money to a stranger, -especially as we had already been so much imposed upon by appearances. -"However," said he, "if you are sure he is a Scotchman, I believe -you are safe." - - - - - -CHAPTER XVI - - - - -My new acquaintance breaks an appointment--I proceed, by myself, to -the Navy Office--address me to a person there, who assists me with -advice--write to the Board, they grant me a letter to the Surgeons -at the Hall--am informed of the beau's name and character--find -him--he makes me his confidant in an amour--desires me to pawn -my linen for his occasions--recover what I lent him--some curious -observations on Strap on that occasion--his vanity. - - -In the morning I rose and went to the place of rendezvous, where -I waited two hours in vain, and was so exasperated against him for -breaking his appointment, that I set out for the city by myself, -in hope of finding the villain, and being revenged on him for his -breach of promise. At length I found myself at the Navy Office, -which I entered, and saw crowds of young fellows walking below, -many of whom made no better appearance than myself. I consulted the -physiognomy of each, and at last made up to one whose countenance -I liked, and asked, if he could instruct me in the form of the -letter which was to be sent to the Board to obtain an order for -examination? He answered me in broad Scotch, that he would show me -the copy of what he had writ for himself, by direction of another -who know the form, and accordingly pulled it out of his pocket for -my perusal; and told me that, if I was expeditious, I might send -it into the Board before dinner, for they did no business in the -afternoon. He then went with me to coffee-house hard by, where I -wrote the letter, which was immediately delivered to the messenger, -who told me I might expect an order to-morrow about the same time. - -Having transacted this piece of business, my mind was a good deal -composed; and as I had met with so much civility from the stranger, -I desired further acquaintance with him, fully resolved, however, -not to be deceived by him so much to my prejudice as I had been -by the beau. He agreed to dine with me at the cook's shop which I -frequented; and on our way thither carried me to 'Change, where I -was in hopes of finding Mr. Jackson (for that was the name of the -person who had broke his appointment), I sought him there to no -purpose, and on our way towards the other end of the town imparted -to my companion his behaviour towards me; upon which he gave me -to understand, that he was no stranger to the name of Bean Jackson -(so he was called at the Navy Office), although he did not know him -personally; that he had the character of a good-natured careless -fellow, who made no scruple of borrowing from any that would lend; -that most people who knew him believed he had a good principle -at bottom, but his extravagance was such, he would probably never -have it in his power to manifest the honesty of his intention. This -made me sweat for my five shillings, which I nevertheless did not -altogether despair of recovering, provided I could find out the -debtor. - -This young man likewise added another circumstance of Squire -Jackson's history, which was, that being destitute of all means to -equip himself for sea, when he received his last warrant, he had -been recommended to a person who lent him a little money, after -he had signed a will entitling that person to lift his wages when -they should become due, as also to inherit his effects in case of -his death. That he was still under the tutorage and direction of -that gentleman, who advanced him small sums from time to time upon -this security, at the rate of fifty per cent. But at present his -credit was very low, because his funds would do little more than -pay what he had already received, this moderate interest included. -After the stranger (whose name was Thompson) had entertained me with -this account of Jackson, he informed me that he himself had passed -for third mate of a third-rate, about four months ago; since which -time he had constantly attended at the Navy Office, in hope of a -warrant, having been assured from the beginning, both by a Scotch -member, and one of the commissioners to whom the member recommended -him, that he should be put into the first vacancy; notwithstanding -which promise, he had the mortification to see six or seven -appointed in the same station almost every week--that now. being -utterly impoverished, his sole hope consisted in the promise of -a friend lately come to town, to lend him a small matter, for a -present to the secretary; without which he was persuaded he might -wait a thousand years to no purpose. I conceived a mighty liking for -this young fellow, which (I believe) proceeded from the similitude -of our fortunes. We spent the whole day together; and as he lived -at Wapping I desired him to take a share of my bed. - -Next day we returned to the Navy Office, where, after being called -before the Board, and questioned about the place of my nativity -and education, they ordered a letter to be made out for me, which, -upon paying half-a-crown to the clerk, I received, and delivered into -the hands of the clerk at Surgeons' Hall, together with a shilling -for his trouble in registering my name. By this time my whole stock -was diminished to two shillings, and I saw not the least prospect -of relief, even for present subsistence, much less to enable me -to pay the fees at Surgeons' Hall for my examination, which would -come on in a fortnight. In this state of perplexity, I consulted -Strap, who assured me he would pawn everything he had in the world, -even to his razors, before I should want: but this expedient I -absolutely rejected, telling him, I would a thousand times rather -list for a soldier, of which I had some thoughts, than be any longer -a burden to him. At the word soldier, he grew pale as death, and -begged on his knees I would think no more of that scheme. "God preserve -us all in our right wits!" cried he, "would you turn soldier, and -perhaps be sent abroad against the Spaniards, where you must stand -and be shot at like a woodcock? Heaven keep cold lead out of -my carcase, and let me die in a bed like a Christian, as all my -forefathers have done. What signifies all earthly riches and honour, -if one enjoys not content? and, hereafter, there is no respect of -persons. Better be a poor honest barber with a good conscience, and -time to repent of my sins upon my death-bed, than be cut off (God -bless us!) by a musket-shot, as it were in the very flower of one's -age, in the pursuit of riches and fame. What signify riches, my -dear friend? do they not make unto themselves wings and fly away? -as the wise man saith. I could also mention many other sayings in -contempt of riches, both from the Bible and other good books; but -I know you are not very fond of those things, I shall only assure -you, that if you take on to be a soldier, I will do the same; and -then if we should both be slain, you will not only have your own -blood to answer for, but mine also: and peradventure the lives -of all those whom we shall kill in battle. Therefore I pray you, -consider whether you will sit down contented with small things and -share the fruits of my industry in peace, till Providence shall -send better tidings; or, by your despair, plunge both our souls -and bodies into everlasting perdition, which God of his infinite -mercy forbid!" I could not help smiling at this harangue, which was -delivered with great earnestness, the tears standing in his eyes -all the time, and promised to do nothing of that sort without his -consent and concurrence. He was much comforted with this declaration; -and told me in a few days he should receive a week's wages, which -should be at my service, but advised me in the meantime to go in -quest of Jackson, and recover, if possible, what he had borrowed -of me. I accordingly trudged about from one end of the town to -the other, for several days, without being able to learn anything -certain concerning him: and, one day being extremely hungry, -and allured by the steams that regaled my nostrils from a boiling -cellar, I went down with an intention to gratify my appetite with -a twopennyworth of beef; when to my no small surprise found Mr. -Jackson sitting at dinner with a footman. He no sooner perceived -me than he got up and shook me by the hands saying, he was glad to -see me, for he intended to have called at my lodgings in the afternoon. -I was so well pleased at this rencounter. and the apologies he made -for not keeping his appointment, that I forgot my resentment, and -sat down to dinner, with the happy expectation of not only recovering -my own money before we should part, but also of reaping the benefit -of his promise to lend me wherewithal to pass examination; and this -hope my sanguine complexion suggested, though the account Thompson -gave me of him ought to have moderated my expectation. - -When we had feasted sumptuously, he took his leave of the footman, -and adjourned with me to an ale-house hard by, where, after shaking -me by the hand again, he began thus: "I suppose you think me a sad -dog, Mr. Random, and I do confess that appearances are against me. -But I dare say you will forgive me when I tell you, my not coming -at the time appointed was owing to a peremptory message I received -from a certain lady, whom, harkee! (but this is a great secret) I -am to marry very soon. You think this strange, perhaps, but it is -not less true for all that--a five thousand pounder, I'll assure -you, besides expectations. For my own part, devil take me if I know -what any woman can see engaging about me--but a whim, you know--and -then one would not balk one's good fortune. You saw that footman -who dined with us--he's one of the honestest fellows that ever -wore livery. You must know it was by his means I was introduced -to her, for he made me first acquainted with her woman, who is his -mistress--ay, many a crown has he and his sweetheart had of my -money--but what of that? things are now brought to a bearing. I -have--(come a little this way) I have proposed marriage, and the -day is fixed--she's a charming creature, and writes like an angel! -She can repeat all the English tragedies as well as ever a player -in Drury Lane!-and, indeed, is so fond of plays, that to be near -the stage she has taken lodgings in a court hard by the theatre; -but you shall see--you shall see--here's the last letter she sent -me." With these words, he put it into my hand, and I read (to the -best of my remembrance) as follows: - - 'Dear Creeten--As you are the animable hopjack of my - contemplayshins, your aydear is infernally skimming before - my keymerycal fansee, when Murfy sends his puppies to the heys - of slipping mortals; and when Febus shines from his merry dying - throne; whereupon I shall canseif old time has lost his - pinners, as also cubit his harrows, until thou enjoy sweet - propose in the loafseek harms of thy very faithfool to commend, - Clayrender - Wingar Yard, Drury Lane, January 12th.' - -While I was reading, he seemed to be in an ecstasy, rubbing his -hands, and bursting out into fits of laughter; at last he caught -hold of my hand, and squeezing it, cried, "There--a style for you! -What do you think of this billet-doux?" I answered, "It might be -ablime for aught I knew, for it was altogether above my comprehension." -"Oh, ho!" said he, "I believe it is--both tender and sublime; she's -a divine creature! and so doats upon me! Let me see--what shall I -do with this money, when I have once got it into my hands? In the -first place, I shall do for you. I'm a man of few words---but say -no more that's determined; whether would you advise me, to purchase -some post, by which I may rise in the state, or lay out my wife's -fortune in land, and retire to the country at once?" I gave my -opinion without hesitation, that he could not do better than buy -an estate and improve; especially since he had already seen so much -of the world. Then I launched out into the praises of a country -life, as described by the poets whose works I had read. He seemed -to relish my advice, but withal told me, that although he had seen -a great deal of the world both at land and sea, having cruised -three whole months in the Channel, yet he should not be satisfied -until he had visited France, which he proposed to do before he -should settle; and to carry his wife along with him. I had nothing -to object to his proposal; and asked how soon he hoped to be happy. -"As to that," he replied, "nothing obstructs my happiness but the -want of a little ready cash; for you must know, my friend in the -city has gone out of town for a week or two, but I unfortunately -missed my pay at Broad Street, by being detained too long by the dear -charmer--but there will he a recall at Chatham next week, whither -the ship's books are sent, and I have commissioned a friend in that -place to receive the money." "If that be all," said I, "there's -no great harm in deferring your marriage a few days." "Yes, faith. -but there is," said he; "you don't know how many rivals I have, who -would take all advantages against me. I would not balk the impatience -of her passion for the world--the least appearance of coldness -or indifference would ruin all; and such offers don't occur every -day." - -I acquiesced in this observation, and inquired how he intended to -proceed. At this question he rubbed his chin, and said, "Why, truly, -I must be obliged to some friend or other--do you know nobody that -would lend me a small sum for a day or two?" I assured him, I was -such an utter stranger in London, that I did not believe I could -borrow a guinea if my life depended upon it. "No!" said he, "that's -hard--that's bard! I wish I had anything to pawn--upon my soul, -you have got excellent linen (feeling the sleeve of my shirt); how -many shirts of that kind have you got?" I answered, "Six ruffled, -and six plain." At which he testified great surprise, and declared -that no gentleman ought to have more than four. "How many d'ye -think I have got?" continued he; "but this and another, as I hope -to be saved! and I dare say we shall be able to raise a good sum out -of your superfluity: let me see--let me see--each of these shirts -is worth sixteen shillings at a moderate computation--now, suppose we -pawn them for half-price--eight times eight is sixty-four, that's -three pounds four; that will do--give me your hand." "Softly, -softly, Mr. Jackson," said I; "don't dispose of my linen without -my consent: first pay me the crown you owe me, and then we shall -talk of other matters." He protested that he had not above one -shilling in his pocket, but that he would pay me out of the first -of the money raised from the shirts. This piece of assurance -incensed me so much that I swore I would not part with him until I -had received satisfaction for what I had lent him; and as for the -shirts, I would not pawn one of them to save him from the gallows. - -At this expression he laughed aloud, and then complained it was -very hard that I should refuse him a trifle that would infallibly -enable him not only to make his own fortune but mine also. "You -talk of pawning my shirts," said I; "suppose you should sell this -hanger, Mr. Jackson. I believe it would fetch a good round sum." -"No, hang it!" said he, "I can't appear decently without my hanger, -lest it should go." However, seeing me inflexible with regard to -my linen, he at length unbuckled his hanger, and, showing me the -three blue balls, desired me to carry it thither and pawn it for -two guineas. This office I would by no means have performed, had I -seen any likelihood of having my money otherwise; but not willing, -out of a piece of false delicacy, to neglect the only opportunity -I should perhaps ever have, I ventured into a pawnbroker's shop, -where I demanded two guineas on the pledge, in the name of Thomas -Williams. "Two guineas!" said the pawnbroker, looking at the hanger; -"this piece of goods has been here several times before for thirty -shillings: however, since I believe the gentleman to whom it belongs -will redeem it, he shall have what he wants; and accordingly he -paid me the money, which I carried to the house where I had left -Jackson; and, calling for change, counted out to him seven and thirty -shillings, reserving the other five for myself." After looking at -the money some time, he said, "Well! it don't signify--this won't -do my business; so you may as well take half-a-guinea, or a whole -one, as the five shillings you have kept." I thanked him kindly, -but refused to accept of any more than was my due, because I had -no prospect of repaying it. Upon which declaration, he stared in -my face, and told me, I was excessively raw or I would not talk in -that manner. "Upon my word," cried he, "I have a very bad opinion -of a young fellow who won't borrow of his friend when he is in -want--'tis the sign of a sneaking spirit. Come, come, Random, give -me back the five shillings, and take this half-guinea, and if ever -you are able to pay me, I believe you will: if not, I shall never -ask it." - -When I reflected upon my present necessity, I suffered myself to -be persuaded, and after making my acknowledgments to Mr. Jackson, -who offered to treat me with a play, I returned to my lodgings with -a much better opinion of this gentleman than I had in the morning; -and at night imparted my day's adventure to Strap, who rejoiced -at my good luck, saying, "I told you if he was a Scotchman you was -safe enough--and who knows but this marriage may make us all. You -have heard, I suppose, as how a countryman of ours, a journeyman -baker, ran away with a great lady of this town, and now keeps -his coach. I say nothing; but yesterday morning as I was shaving -a gentleman at his own house, there was a young lady in the room, -and she threw so many sheep's eyes at a certain person whom I shall -not name, that my heart went knock, knock, knock, like a fulling -mill, and my hand sh-sh-shook so much that I sliced a piece of -skin off the gentleman's nose; whereby he uttered a deadly oath, -and was going to horsewhip me, when she prevented him, and made my -peace. Is not a journeyman barber as good as a journeyman baker? -The only difference is, the baker uses flour for the belly, and -the barber rises it for the head: and as the head is a more noble -member than the belly, so is a barber more noble than a baker--for -what's the belly without the head? Besides, I am told, he could -neither read nor write; now you know I can do both, and moreover, -speak Latin--but I will say no more, for I despise vanity--nothing -is more vain than vanity." With these words, he pulled out of his -pocket a wax-candle`s end, which he applied to his forehead; and -upon examination, I found had combed his own hair over the toupee -of his wig, and was, indeed, in his whole dress, become a very -smart shaver. I congratulated him on his prospect with a satirical -smile, which he understood very well; and, shaking his head, observed, -I had very little faith, but the truth would come to light in spite -of my incredulity. - - - - - -CHAPTER XVII - - - - -I go to Surgeons' Hall, when I meet Mr. Jackson-am examined--a -fierce dispute arises between two of the examiners--Jackson disguises -himself to attract respect--irises himself to attract respect--is -detected--in hazard of being sent to Bridewell--he treats us -at a Tavern--carries us to a Night-house--A troublesome adventure -there--we are committed to the Round-house--carried before a -Justice--his behaviour - - -With the assistance of this faithful adherent, who gave me almost -all the money he earned, I preserved my half-guinea entire till the -day of examination, when I went with a quaking heart to Surgeons' -Hall, in order to undergo that ceremony. Among a crowd of young -fellows who walked in the outward hall, I perceived Mr. Jackson, -to whom I immediately went up; and, inquiring into the state of -his love affair, understood it was still undetermined, by reason -of his friend's absence, and the delay of the recall at Chatham, -which put it out of his power to bring it to a conclusion. I then -asked what his business was in this place; he replied, he was resolved -to have two strings to his bow, that in case the one failed, he -might use the other; and, with this view, he was to pass that night -for a higher qualification. At that instant, a young fellow came -out from the place of examination, with a pale countenance, his -lip quivering, and his looks as wild as if he had seen a ghost. He -no sooner appeared, than we all flocked about him with the utmost -eagerness to know what reception he had met with; which, after some -pause, he described, recounting all the questions they had asked, -with the answers he made. In this manner we obliged no less -than twelve to recapitulate, which, now the danger was past, they -did with pleasure, before it fell to my lot: at length the beadle -called my name, with a voice that made me tremble. However, there -was no remedy. I was conducted into a large hall, where I saw about -a dozen of grim faces sitting at a long table: one of whom bade me -come forward, in such an imperious tone, that I was actually for -a minute or two bereft of my senses. The first question he put to -me was, "Where was you born?" To which I answered, "In Scotland." -"In Scotland," said he; "I know that very well--we have scarce any -other countrymen to examine here--you Scotchmen have overspread us -of late as the locusts did Egypt. I ask you in what part of Scotland -was you born?" I named the place of my nativity, which he had -never heard of; he then proceeded to interrogate me about my age, -the town where I served my time, with the term of my apprenticeship; -and when I informed him that I served three years only, he fell into -a violent passion, swore it was a shame and a scandal to send such -raw boys into the world as surgeons; that it was great presumption -in me, and all affront upon the English, to pretend sufficient -skill in my business, having served so short a time, when every -apprentice in England was bound seven years at least: that my friends -would have done better if they had made me a weaver or shoemaker; -but their pride would have me a gentleman, he supposed, at any -rate, and their poverty could not afford the necessary education. -This exordium did not at all contribute to the recovery of my -spirits; but on the contrary, reduced me to such a situation that -I was scarcely able to stand; which being perceived by a plump -gentleman who sat opposite to me with a skull before him, he said, -Mr. Snarler was too severe upon the young man; and, turning towards -me, told me I need not be afraid, for nobody would do me any harm: -then, bidding me take time to recollect myself, he examined me, -touching the operation of the trepan, and was very well satisfied -with my answers. The next person who questioned me was a wag, -who began by asking if I had ever seen amputation performed; and -I replying in the affirmative, he shook his head and said, "What! -upon a dead subject, I suppose?" "If," continued he, "during an -engagement at sea, a man should be brought to you with his head shot -off, how would you behave?" After some hesitation, I owned such a -case had never come under my observation, neither did I remember -to have seen any method of care proposed for such an accident, in -any of the systems of surgery I had perused. - -Whether it was owing to the simplicity of my answer, or the archness -of the question, I know not, but every member at the board deigned -to smile, except Mr. Snarler, who seemed to have very little of -the 'animal risible' in his constitution. The facetious member, -encouraged by the success of his last joke, went on thus: "Suppose -you was called to a patient of a plethoric habit, who has been -bruised by a fall, what would you do?" I answered, "I would bleed -him immediately." "What!" said he, "before you had tied up his arm?" -But this stroke of wit not answering his expectation, he desired -me to advance to the gentleman who sat next him; and who, with a -pert air, asked, what method of cure I would follow in wounds of -the intestines. I repeated the method of care as it is prescribed -by the best chirurgical writers, which he heard to an end, and then -said with a supercilious smile, "So you think with such treatment -the patient might recover?" I told him I saw nothing to make me -think otherwise. "That may be," resumed he; "I won't answer for your -foresight, but did you ever know a case of this kind succeed?" I -acknowledged I did not, and was about to tell him I had never seen -a wounded intestine; but he stopt me, by saying, with some precipitation, -"Nor never will! I affirm that all wounds of the intestines, whether -great or small, are mortal." "Pardon me, brother," says the fat -gentleman, "there is very good authority--" Here he was interrupted -by the other with--"Sir, excuse me, I despise all authority--Nullius -in verbo--I stand on my own bottom." "But sir, sir," replied his -antagonist, "the reason of the thing shows--" "A fig for reason," -cries this sufficient member; "I laugh at reason; give me ocular -demonstratio." The corpulent gentleman began to wax warm, and -observed, that no man acquainted with the anatomy of the parts -would advance such an extravagant assertion. This inuendo enraged -the other so much, that he started up, and in a furious tone -exclaimed: "What, Sir! do you question my knowledge in anatomy?" - -By this time, all the examiners had espoused the opinion of one or -other of the disputants, and raised their voices altogether, when -the chairman commanded silence, and ordered me to withdraw. In -less than a quarter of an hour, I was called in again, received my -qualification scaled up, and was ordered to pay five shillings. I -laid down my half-guinea upon the table, and stood some time, until -one of them bade me begone; to this I replied, "I will when I have -got my change:" upon which another threw me five shillings and -sixpence, saying, I should not be a true Scotchman if I went away -without my change. I was afterwards obliged to give three shillings -and sixpence to the beadles, and a shilling to an old woman who -swept the hall: this disbursement sank my finances to thirteen-pence -halfpenny, with which I was sneaking off, when Jackson, perceiving -it, came up to me, and begged I would tarry for him, and he would -accompany me to the other end of the town, as soon as his examination -should be over. I could not refuse this to a person that was so -much my friend; but I was astonished at the change of his dress -which was varied in half-an-hour from what I have already described -to a very grotesque fashion. His head was covered with an old -smoke tie-wig that did not boast one crooked hair, and a slouched -hat over it, which would have very well become a chimney-sweeper, -or a dustman; his neck was adorned with a black crape, the ends -of which he had twisted, and fixed in the button-hole of a shabby -greatcoat that wrapped up his whole body; his white silk stockings -were converted into black worsted hose: and his countenance was -rendered venerable by wrinkles, and a beard of his own painting. -When I expressed my surprise at this metamorphosis, he laughed, -and told me it was done by the advice and assistance of a friend, -who lived over the way, and would certainly produce something very -much to his advantage; for it gave him the appearance of age, which -never fails of attracting respect. I applauded his sagacity, and -waited with impatience for the effects of it. At length he was called -in; but whether the oddness of his appearance excited a curiosity -more than small in the board, or his behaviour was not suitable to -his figure, I know not, he was discovered to be an imposter, and -put into the hands of the beadle in order to be sent to Bridewell. -So that instead of seeing him come out with a cheerful countenance, -and a surgeon's qualification in his hand, I perceived him led -through the outer hall as a prisoner; and was very much alarmed, -and anxious to know the occasion; when he called with a lamentable -voice, and a piteous aspect to me, and some others who know him, -"For God's sake, gentlemen bear witness that I am the same individual -John Jackson who served as surgeon's second mate on board the -Elizabeth, or else I shall go to Bridewell!" - -It would have been impossible for the most austere hermit that ever -lived to have refrained from laughing at his appearance and address: -we therefore indulged ourselves a good while at his expense, and -afterwards pleaded his cause so effectually with the beadle who -was gratified with half-a-crown, that the prisoner was dismissed, -and in a few moments renewed his former gaiety--swearing, since the -board had refused his money, he would spend every shilling before -he went to bed, in treating his friends; at the same time inviting -us all to favour him with our company. It was now ten o'clock at -night, and, as I had a great way to walk through streets that were -utterly unknown to me, I was prevailed on to be of their party, in -hopes he would afterwards accompany me to my lodgings, according -to his promise. He conducted me to his friend's house, who kept a -tavern over the way where we continued drinking punch, until the -liquor mounted up to our heads, and made us all extremely frolicsome. -I, in particular, was so much elevated, that nothing would serve -me but a wench; at which demand Jackson expressed much joy, and -assured me I should have my desire before we parted Accordingly, when -he had paid the reckoning, we sallied out, roaring and singing; and -were conducted by our leader to a place of nocturnal entertainment, -where Mr. Jackson's dress attracted the assiduities of two or three -nymphs, who loaded him with caresses, in return for the arrack -punch with which he treated them, till at length sleep began to -exert his power over us all, and our conductor called "To pay." When -the bill was brought, which amounted to twelve shillings, he put -his hand in his pocket, but might have saved himself the trouble, -for his purse was gone. This accident disconcerted him a good deal -at first; but after some recollection, he seized the two ladies who -sat by him, one in each hand, and swore if they did not immediately -restore his money he would charge a constable with them. The good -lady at the bar, seeing what passed, whispered something to the -drawer, who went out; and then with great composure, asked what -was the matter? Jackson told her he was robbed, and swore if she -refused him satisfaction, he would have her and her female friends -committed to Bridewell. "Robbed!" cried she, "robbed in my house! -Gentlemen and Ladies, I take you all to witness, this person has -scandalised my reputation." At that instant, seeing the constable -and watch enter, she proceeded "What! you must not only endeavour -by your false aspersions to ruin my character, but even commit -an assault upon my family! Mr. Constable, I charge you with this -uncivil person, who has been guilty of a riot here; I shall take -care and bring an action against him for defamation." - -While I was reflecting on this melancholy event, which had made me -quite sober, one of the ladies, being piqued at some repartee that -passed between us, cried, "They are all concerned!" and desired -the constable to take us all into custody; an arrest which was -performed instantly, to the utter astonishment and despair of us -all, except Jackson, who having been often in such scrapes, was very -little concerned, and charged the constable, in his turn, with the -landlady and her whole bevy; upon which we were carried altogether -prisoners to the round-house, where Jackson after a word of comfort -to us, informed the constable of his being robbed, to which he said -he would swear next morning before the justice. In a little time -the constable, calling Jackson into another room, spoke to him -thus: "I perceive that you and your company are strangers, and am -very sorry for your being involved in such an ugly business. I have -known this woman a great while; she has kept a notorious house in -the neighbourhood this many years; and although often complained -of as a nuisance, still escapes through her interest with the -justices, to whom she and all of her employment pay contribution -quarterly for protection. As she charged me with you first, her -complaint will have the preference, and she can procure evidence -to swear whatsoever she shall please to desire of them; so that, -unless you can make it up before morning, you and your companions -may think yourselves happily quit for a month's hard labour in -Bridewell. Nay, if she should swear a robbery or an assault against -you, you will be committed to Newgate and tried at the next session -at the Old Bailey for your life." This last piece of information -had such an effect upon Jackson, that he agreed to make it up, -provided his money might be restored. The constable told him, that, -instead of retrieving what he had lost, he was pretty certain it -would cost him some more before they could come to any composition. -But, however, he had compassion on him, and would, if he pleased, -sound them about a mutual release. The unfortunate beau thanked -him for his friendship, and returning to us, acquainted us with the -substance of this dialogue; while the constable, desiring to speak -in private with our adversary, carried her into the next room, and -pleaded, our cause so effectually, that she condescended to make -him umpire: he accordingly proposed an arbitration, to which we -gave our assent; and he fined each party in three shillings, to be -laid out in a bowl of punch, wherein we drowned all animosities, -to the inexpressible joy of my two late acquaintances and me, who -had been extremely uneasy ever since Jackson mentioned Bridewell -and Newgate. By the time we had finished our bowl--to which, by -the bye, I had contributed my last shilling--it was morning, and I -proposed to move homeward, when the constable gave me to understand, -he could discharge no prisoners but by order of the justice, before -whom we must appear. This renewed my chagrin, and I cursed the hour -in which I had yielded to Jackson's invitation. - -About nine o'clock, we were escorted to the house of a certain -justice not many miles distant from Covent Garden, who no sooner -saw the constable enter with a train of prisoners at his heels, than -he saluted him as follows: "So Mr. Constable. you are a diligent -man. What den of rogues have you been scouring?" Then looking at us, -who appeared very much dejected, he continued: "Ay, ay, thieves. -I see--old offenders; oh, your humble servant, Mrs. Harridan! I -suppose these fellows have been taken robbing your house. Yes, yes, -here's an old acquaintance of mine. You have used expedition," said -he to me, "in returning from transportation; but we shall save you -that trouble for the future--the surgeons will fetch you from your -next transportation, at their expense." I assured his worship he -was mistaken in me, for he had never seen me in his life before. -To this declaration he replied, "How! you impudent rascal, dare -you say so to my face? Do you think I am to be imposed upon by -that northern accent, which you have assumed? But it shan't avail -you--you shall find me too far north for you. Here, clerk, write -this fellow's mittimus. His name is Patrick Gaghagan." Here Mr. -Jackson interposed, and told him I was a Scotchman lately come to -town, descended of a good family, and that my name was Random. The -justice looked upon this assertion as an outrage upon his memory, -on which he valued himself exceedingly; and strutting up to Jackson, -with a fierce countenance, put his hands in his side, and said, -"Who are you, sir? Do you give me the lie? Take notice, gentlemen, -here's a fellow who affronts me upon the bench but I'll lay you -fast, sirrah, I will--for notwithstanding your laced jacket, I -believe you are a notorious felon." My friend was so much abashed -at this menace, which was thundered out with great vociferation, -that he changed colour, and remained speechless. This confusion his -worship took for a symptom of guilt, and, to complete the discovery, -continued his threats, "Now, I am convinced you are a thief--your -face discovers it, you tremble all over, your conscience won't lie -still--you'll be hanged, sirrah," raising his voice, "you'll be -hanged; and happy had it been for the world, as well as for your -own miserable soul, if you had been detected, and cut off in the -beginning of your career. Come hither, clerk, and take this man's -confession." I was in an agony of consternation, when the constable, -going into another room with his worship, acquainted him with the -truth of the story; which having learned, he returned with a smiling -countenance, and, addressing himself to us all, said. it was always -his way to terrify young people when they came before him, that his -threats might make a strong impression on their minds, and deter -them from engaging in scenes of riot and debauchery, which commonly -ended before the judge. Thus, having cloaked his own want of -discernment under the disguise of paternal care, we were dismissed, -and I found myself as much lightened as if a mountain had been -lifted off my breast. - - - - - -CHAPTER XVIII - - - - -I carry my qualification to the Navy Office--the nature of it--the -behaviour of the Secretary--Strap's concern for my absence--a battle -betwixt him a blacksmith--the troublesome consequences of it--his -harangue to me--his friend the schoolmaster recommends me to a -French Apothecary, who entertains me as a journeyman - - -I would most willingly have gone home to sleep, but was told by my -companions, that we must deliver our letters of qualification at -the Navy office, before one o'clock. Accordingly, we went thither, -and gave them to the secretary, who opened and read them, and I -was mightily pleased to find myself qualified for second mate of a -third-rate. When he had stuck them all together on a file, one of -our company asked if there were any vacancies; to which interrogation -he answered "No!" Then I ventured to inquire if may ships were to -be put in commission soon. At which question he surveyed me with -a look of ineffable contempt; and, pushing us out of his office, -locked the door without deigning us another word. We went down stairs, -and conferred together on our expectations, when I understood that -each of them had been recommended to one or other of the commissioners, -and each of them promised the first vacancy that should fall; -but that none of them relied solely upon that interest, without a -present to the secretary, with whom some of the commissioners went -snacks. For which reason, each of them had provided a small purse; -and I was asked what I proposed to give This was a vexatious question -to me who (far from being in a capacity to gratify a ravenous -secretary) had not wherewithal to purchase a dinner. I therefore -answered, I had not yet determined what to give; and sneaked off -toward my own lodging, lamenting my fate all the way, and inveighing -with much bitterness against the barbarity of my grandfather, and -the sordid avarice of my relations, who left me a prey to contempt -and indigence. - -Full of these disagreeable reflections, I arrived at the house -where I lodged, and relieved my landlord from great anxiety on my -account; for this honest man believed I had met with some dismal -accident, and that he never should see me again. Strap, who had -come to visit me in the morning, understanding I had been abroad all -night, was almost distracted, and after having obtained leave of his -master, had gone in quest of me, though he was even more ignorant -of the town than I. Not being willing to inform the landlord of my -adventure, I told him I had met an acquaintance at Surgeons' Hall, -with whom I spent the evening and night; but being very much infested -with bugs, I had not slept much, and therefore intended to take a -little repose; so saying, I went to bed, and desired to be awakened -if Strap should happen to come wile I should be asleep. I was -accordingly roused by my friend himself, who entered my chamber -about three o'clock in the afternoon, and presented a figure to my -eyes that I could scarce believe real. In short, this affectionate -shaver, setting out towards Surgeons' Hall, had inquired for -me there to no purpose: from whence he found his way to the Navy -Office, where he could hear no tidings of me, because I was unknown -to everybody then present; he afterwards went upon 'Change, in -hopes of seeing me upon the Scotch walk, but without success. At -last, being almost in despair of finding me, he resolved to ask -everybody he met in the street, if perchance anyone could give him -information about me! and actually put his resolution in practice, -in spite of the scoffs, curses, and reproaches with which he was -answered; until a blacksmith's 'prentice seeing him stop a porter -with a burden on his back, and hearing his question, for which he -received a hearty curse, called to him, and asked if the person -he inquired after was not a Scotchman? Strap replied with great -eagerness, "Yes, and had on a brown coat, with long skirts." "The -same!" said the blacksmith. "I saw him pass by an hour ago," "Did -you so?" cried Strap, rubbing his hands, "Odd! I am very glad of -that--which way went he?" "Towards Tyburn in a cart," said he, "if -you make good speed, you may get thither time enough to see him -hanged." This piece of wit incensed my friend to such a degree, -that he called the blacksmith scoundrel, and protested he would -fight him for half-a-farthing. "No, no!" said the other, stripping; -"I'll have none of your money--you Sootchmen seldom carry anything -about you; but I'll fight you for love." Were was a ring immediately -formed by the mob: and Strap, finding he could not get off honourably -without fighting, at the same time burning with resentment against -his adversary, quitted his clothes to the care of the multitude, -and the battle began with great violence on the side of Strap, who -in a few minutes exhausted his breath and spirits on his patient -antagonist, who sustained the assault with great coolness, till -finding the barber quite spent, he returned the blows he had lent -him, with such interest, that Strap, after having received three -falls on the hard stones, gave out, and allowed the blacksmith to -be the better man. - -The victory being thus decided, it was proposed to adjourn to a cellar -hard by, and drink friends. But when my friend began to gather up -his clothes, he perceived that some honest person or other had made -free with his shirt, neckcloth, hat, and wig, which were carried -off; and probably his coat and waistcoat would have met with the -same fate, had they been worth stealing. It was in vain for him to -make a noise, which only yielded mirth to the spectators; he was -fain to get off in this manner, which he accomplished with much -difficulty and appeared before me all besmeared with blood and -dirt. Notwithstanding this misfortune, such was his transport at -finding me safe and sound, that he had almost stifled and stunk -me to death with his embraces. After he had cleaned himself, and -put on one of my shirts, and a woollen. nightcap, I recounted to -him the particulars of my night's campaign, which filled him with -admiration, and made him repeat with great energy an observation -which was often in his mouth, namely, 'that surely London is the -devil's drawing-room.' As neither of us had dined, he desired me -to get up, and the milkwoman coming round at that instant, he went -downstairs, and brought up a quart, with a penny loaf, on which we -made a comfortable meal. He then shared his money with me, which -amounted to eighteen-pence, and left me with an intention to borrow -an old wig and hat of his friend the schoolmaster. - -He was no sooner gone, than I began to consider my situation with -great uneasiness, and revolved all the schemes my imagination could -suggest, in order to choose and pursue some one that would procure -me bread; for it is impossible to express the pangs I felt, when -I reflected on the miserable dependence in which I lived at the -expense of a poor barber's boy, My pride took the alarm, and having -no hopes of succeeding at the Navy Office, I came to a resolution -of enlisting in the foot-guards next day, be the event what it -would. This extravagant design, by flattering my disposition, gave -great satisfaction; and I was charging the enemy at the head of -my own regiment, when Strap's return interrupted my reverie. The -schoolmaster had made him a present of the tie-wig which he wore, -when I was introduced to him, together with an old hat, whose brims -would have overshadowed a Colossus. Though Strap had ventured to -wear them in the dusk, he did not choose to entertain the mob by -day; therefore went to work immediately, and reduced them both to -a moderate size. While he was employed in this office, he addressed -me thus: "To be sure, Mr. Random, you are born a gentleman, and -have a great deal of learning--and, indeed, look like a gentleman; -for, as to person, you may hold up your head with the best of them. -On the other hand, I am a poor but honest cobbler's son: my mother -was as industrious a woman as ever broke bread, till such time as -she took to drinking, which you very well know; but everybody has -failings--Humanum est errare. Now myself, I am a poor journeyman -barber, tolerably well made and understand some Latin, and have a -smattering of Greek; but what of that? Perhaps I might also say, -that I know a little of the world; but that is to no purpose,--though -you be gentle, and I simple, it does not follow, but that I who -am simple may do a good office to you who are gentle. Now this is -the case: my kinsman, the schoolmaster--perhaps you did not know he -how nearly he is related to me--I'll satisfy you in that presently; -his mother and my grandmother's sister's nephew--no, that's not -it!--my grandfather's brother's daughter--rabbit it! I have forgot -the degree. But this I know, he and I are cousins seven times -removed." My impatience to know the good office he had done me, got -the better of my temper, and I interrupted him at this place with -the exclamation, "If the schoolmaster or you can be of any advantage -to me, why don't you tell me without all this preamble?" When I -pronounced these words with some vehemence, Strap looked at me for -same time with a grave countenance, and then went on: "I'm very -sorry to see such an alteration in your temper of late; you were -always fiery, but now you are grown as crabbed as old Periwinkle -the drunken tinker, on whom you and I (God forgive us!) played so -many unlucky tricks while we were at school--but I will no longer -detain you in suspense, because (doubtless) nothing is more uneasy -than doubt--Dubio procul dubio nil dubius. My friend or relation, -or which you will, or both, the schoolmaster, being informed of -the regard I have for you; for you may be sure I did not fail to -let him know of your good qualities--by the bye, he has undertaken -to teach you the pronunciation of the English tongue, without which, -he says, you will be unfit for business in this country--I say my -relation has spoke in your behalf to a French apothecary who wants a -journeyman; and on his recommendation you may have fifteen pounds -a year, bed and board, whenever you please." I was too much interested -in this piece of news to entertain it with indifference; but, -jumping up, insisted on Strap's immediately accompanying me to the -house of his friend, that I might not lose this opportunity through -the least delay or neglect on my part. - -We were informed, that the schoolmaster was in company at a publichouse -in the neighbourhood, whither we repaired, and found him drinking -with the very individual apothecary in question. When he was called -to the door at our desire, and observed my impatience, he broke out -into his usual term of admiration. "Oh! I suppose, when you heard -of this offer, you did not take leisure enough to come downstairs, -but leaped out of the window: did you overturn no porter nor -oyster-woman in your way? It was a mercy of God you did not knock -your brains out against some post in your career. Oh, my conscience! -I believe, had I been in the inmost recesses of my habitation--the -very penetralia--your eagerness would have surmounted bolts, bars, -decency, and everything. The den of Cacus, or sanctum sanctorum, -could not have hid me from you. But come along the gentleman of -whom I spoke is in the house; I will present you to him forthwith." -When I entered the room, I perceived four or five people smoking, -one of whom the schoolmaster accosted thus: "Mr. Lavement, here's -the young man of whom I spoke to you." The apothecary, who was a -little old withered man, with a forehead about an inch high, a nose -turned up at the end, large cheek-bones that helped to form a pit -for his little gray eyes, a great bag of loose skin hanging down on -each side in wrinkles, like the alforjos of a baboon, and a mouth -so much accustomed to that contraction which produces grinning, that -he could not pronounce a syllable without discovering the remains -of his teeth, which consisted of four yellow fangs, not improperly, -by anatomists, called canine. This person, I say, after having -eyed me some time, said, "Oho, 'tis ver well, Monsieur Concordance; -young man, you are ver welcome, take one coup of bierre--and come -to mine house to-morrow morning; Monsieur Concordance vil show you -de way." Upon this I made my bow, and as I went out of the room -could hear him say, "Ma foi! c'est un beau garcon; c'est un gaillard." - -As I had by my own application, while I served Crab, acquired the -French tongue well enough to read authors written in that language -and understand anything that occurred in conversation, I determined -to pretend ignorance to my new master, that he and his family, -whom I supposed to be of the same country, not being on the reserve -before me, I might possibly discover something in discourse, -which would either yield me amusement or advantage. Next morning -Mr. Concordance carried me to the apothecary's house, where the -bargain was made, and orders given to provide an apartment for me -immediately. But before I entered upon business. the schoolmaster -recommended me to his tailor, who gave me credit for a suit of -clothes, to be paid out of the first moiety of my wages, and they -were begun upon that very day; he afterwards accommodated me with -a new hat on the same term: so that in a few days I hoped to make -a very fashionable appearance. In the meantime, Strap conveyed -my baggage to the place allotted for me, which was a back room up -two pair of stairs, furnished with a pallet for me to lie upon, a -chair without a back, a bottle by way of candlestick, and a triangular -piece of glass instead of a mirror; the rest of its ornaments having -been lately removed to one of the garrets, for the convenience of -the servant of an Irish captain, who lodged in the first floor. - - - - - -CHAPTER XIX - - - - -The character of Mr. Lavement, his wife and daughter--some anecdotes -of the family--the mother and daughter rivals--I am guilty of a -mistake that gives me present satisfaction, but is attended with -troublesome consequences - - -Next day. while I was at work in the shop, a bouncing damsel well -dressed came on pretence of finding a vial for some use or other; -and taking an opportunity, when she thought I did not mind her, -of observing me narrowly, went away with a silent look of disdain. -I easily guessed her sentiments, and my pride took the resolution -of entertaining the same indifference and neglect towards her. -At dinner the maids, with whom I dined in the kitchen, gave me to -understand that this was my master's only daughter, who would have -a very handsome fortune, on account of which, and her beauty, a -great many young gentlemen made their addresses to her--that she -had been twice on the brink of marriage, but disappointed by the -stinginess of her father, who refused to part with a shilling to -promote the match; for which reason the young lady did not behave to -her father with all the filial veneration that might be expected. -In particular she harboured the most perfect hatred for his -countrymen; in which disposition she resembled her mother, who was -an English-woman; and, by the hints they dropped, I learned the -gray mare was the better horse--that she was a matron of a high -spirit, which was often manifested at the expense of her dependents; -that she loved diversions, and looked upon miss as her rival in all -parties--which was indeed the true cause of her disappointments; -for had the mother been hearty in her interest, the father would not -have ventured to refuse her demands. Over and above this intelligence, -I, of myself, soon made more discoveries. Mr. Lavement's significant -grins at his wife, while she looked another way, convinced me that -he was not at all content with his lot; and his behaviour in presence -of the captain made me believe his chief torment was jealousy. As -for my own part, I was considered in no other light than that of a -menial servant, and had been already six days in the house without -being honoured with one word from either mother or daughter; the -latter (as I understood from the maids) having at table one day -expressed some surprise that her papa should entertain such an -awkward mean-looking journeyman. I was nettled at this piece of -information, and next Sunday (it being my turn to take my diversion) -dressed myself in my new clothes to the greatest advantage, and, -vanity apart, made no contemptible figure. - -After having spent most part of the day in company with Strap and -some of his acquaintance, I came home in the afternoon, and was -let in by miss, who not knowing me, dropped a low curtsey as I -advanced, which I returned with a profound bow, and shut the door. -By the time I had turned about, she had perceived her mistake, and -changed colour, but did not withdraw. The passage being narrow, I -could not get away without jolting her; so I was forced to remain -where I was with my eyes fixed to the ground, and my face glowing -with blushes. At length, her vanity coming to her assistance, -she went away tittering, and I could hear her pronounce the word -'creature!' From this day forward, she came into the shop fifty -times, every day upon various pretences, and put in practice so -many ridiculous airs, that I could easily perceive her opinion of -me was changed, and that she did not think me altogether an unworthy -conquest. But my heart was so steeled against her charms by pride -and resentment, which were two chief ingredients in my disposition, -that I remained insensible to all her arts; and notwithstanding -some advances she made, could not be prevailed upon to yield her -the least attention. This neglect soon banished all the favourable -impressions she felt for me, and the rage of a slighted woman took -place in her heart; this she manifested not only in all the suggestions -her malice could invent to my prejudice with her father, but also -in procuring for me such servile employments as she hoped would -sufficiently humble my spirit. One day in particular, she ordered -me to brush my master's coat; but I refusing, a smart dialogue -ensued, which ended in her bursting into tears of rage; when her -mother interposing, and examining into the merits of the cause, -determined it in my favour: and this good office I owed not to any -esteem or consideration she had for me, but solely to the desire -of mortifying her daughter, who on this occasion observed, that -let people be never so much in the right, there were some folks -who would never do them justice, but, to be sure, they had their -reasons for it, which some people were ignorant of, although they -despised their little arts. This insinuation of some people and -some folks put me upon observing the behaviour of my mistress more -narrowly for the future: and it was not long before I had reason -to believe that she looked upon her daughter as a rival in the -affections of Captain O'Donnell, who lodged in the house. - -In the meantime, my industry and knowledge gained me the goodwill -of my master, who would often say in French, "Mardy! c'est un bon -garcon." He had a great deal of business; but he was mostly employed -among his fellow refugees, his profits were small. However, his -expense for medicines was not great; for he was the most expert man -at a succedaneum of any apothecary in London, so that I have been -sometimes amazed to see him, without the least hesitation, make up -a physician's prescription, though he had not in his shop one medicine -mentioned in it. Oyster-shells he could convert into crab's eyes; -common oil into oil of sweet almonds; syrup of sugar into balsamic -syrup; Thames water into aqua cinnamoni; and a hundred more costly -preparations were produced in an instant, from the cheapest and -coarsest drugs of the materia medica: and when any common thing was -ordered for a patient, he always took care to disguise it in colour -or taste, or both, in such a manner that it could not possibly be -known; for which purpose cochineal and oil of cloves were of great -service. Mr. Lavement had attempted more than once to introduce -a vegetable diet into his family, by launching out into the praise -of roots and greens, and decrying the use of flesh, both as a -physician and philosopher; but all his rhetoric could not make one -proselyte to his opinion, and even the wife of his bosom declared -against the proposal. - -One afternoon, when her husband was abroad. and his daughter gone -to visit, this lady ordered me to call a hackney-coach, in which -she and the captain drove towards Covent Garden. Miss came home -in the evening, and, supping at her usual hour, went to bed. About -eleven o'clock my master entered, and asked if his wife was gone to -sleep: upon which I told him, my mistress went out in the afternoon, -and was not yet returned. This was like a clap of thunder to the -poor apothecary, who starting back, cried, "Mort de ma vie! vat -you tell a me? My vife not at home!" At that instant a patient's -servant arrived with a prescription for a draught, which my master -taking, went into the shop to make it up with his own hand. While -he rubbed the ingredients in a glass mortar, he inquired of me, -whether or no his wife went out alone; and no sooner heard that -she was in company with the captain, than with one blow he split -the mortar into a thousand pieces, and grinning like the head of a -bass viol, exclaimed, "Ah, traitresse!" It would have been impossible -for me to have preserved my gravity a minute longer, when I was -happily relieved by a rap at the door, which I opened, and perceived -my mistress coming out of the coach. She flounced immediately into -the shop, and addressed her husband thus: "I suppose you thought I -was lost, my dear. Captain O'Donnell has been so good as to treat -me with a play." The reply, it may be supposed, was anything but -courteous but the captain, who had been all the time at the door -discharging the coach, entered, and Mr. Lavement, changing his -tone, saluted him with all the usual politesse of a Frenchman. - -Shortly after this event, by the knowledge which I acquired of the -family secrets, my life became much more agreeable; and as I every -day improved in my knowledge of the town I shook off my awkward -air by degrees, and acquired the character of a polite journeyman -apothecary. - - - - - -CHAPTER XX - - - - -I am assaulted and dangerously wounded-suspect O'Donnell, and am -confirmed in my opinion--concert a scheme of revenge, and put it -into execution--O'Donnell robs his own servant and disappears--make -my addresses to a lady, and am miraculously delivered from her -snare - - -One night, at about twelve o'clock, as I returned from visiting -a patient at Chelsea, I received a blow on my head from an unseen -hand, that stretched me senseless on the ground; and was left for -dead with three stabs of a sword in my body. The groans I uttered -when I recovered the use of my reason alarmed the people of a -solitary alehouse that stood near the spot where I lay: and they -were humane enough to take me in, and send for a surgeon, who -dressed my wounds, and assured me they were not mortal. One of them -penetrated through the skin and muscles of one side of my belly in -such a manner, that doubtless the assassin imagined he had run me -through the entrails. The second slanted along one of my ribs; and -the last, which was intended for the finishing stroke, having been -directed to my heart, the sword snapped upon my breast-bone, and -the point remained sticking in the skin. When I reflected upon this -event, I could not persuade myself that I had been assaulted by a -common footpad, because it is not usual for such people to murder -though they rob, especially when they meet with no resistance; -and I found my money, and everything else about me but my carcase, -safe. I concluded, therefore, that I must either have been mistaken -for another, or obliged to the private resentment of some secret -enemy for what had happened; and as I could remember nobody who had -the least cause of complaint against me, except Captain O'Donnell -and my master's daughter, my suspicion settled upon them, though -I took care to conceal it, that I might the sooner arrive at -confirmation. - -With this view, I went home in the chair about ten o'clock in the -morning; and as the chairman supported me into the house, met the -captain in the passage, who no sooner saw me than he started back -and gave evident signs of guilty confusion, which he would have -accounted for from surprise occasioned by the seeing me in such -a condition. My master having heard my story, condoled me with a -good deal of sympathy, and when he understood my wounds were not -dangerous, ordered me to be carried upstairs to bed; though not -without some opposition from his wife, who was of opinion that it -would be better for me to go to an hospital, where I should be more -carefully attended. My meditation was employed in concerting with -myself some method of revenge against Squire O'Donnell and his -inamorata, whom I looked upon as the author of my misfortune; when -miss, who was not at home at my arrival, entered my chamber, and -saying she was sorry for the accident that had befallen me, asked -if I suspected anybody to be the assassin; upon which I fixed my -eyes steadfastly upon her and answered, "Yes." She discovered no -symptom of confusion, but replied hastily, "If that be the case, -why don't you take out a warrant, to have him apprehended? It -will cost but a trifle--if you have no money, I'll lend you." This -frankness not only cured me of my suspicion with respect to her, -but even staggered my belief with regard to the captain, of whose -guilt I resolved to have further proof before I should enterprise -anything in the way of revenge. I thanked her kindly for her -generous offer, which, however, I had no occasion to accept, being -determined to do nothing rashly: for though I could plainly perceive -the person who attacked me to be a soldier, whose face I thought -was familiar to me, I could not swear with a safe conscience to -any particular man; and, granting I could, my prosecution of him -would not much avail. - -This uncertainty I pretended, lest the captain, hearing from her -that I knew the person who wounded me, might think proper to withdraw -before I could be in a condition to requite him. In two days I was -up and able to do a little business, so that Mr. Lavement made -shift to carry on his practice without hiring another journeyman -in my room. - -The first thing I attempted towards a certain discovery of my secret -enemy, was to get into O'Donnell's apartment, while he was abroad -in an undress, and examine his sword, the point of which being -broken off, I applied the fragment that was found sticking in my -body, and found it answered the fractured part exactly. There was -no room left for doubt; and all that remained was to fix upon a -scheme of revenge, which almost solely engrossed my thoughts during -the space of eight nights and days. Sometimes I was tempted to fall -upon him in the same manner as he had practised upon me, and kill -him outright. But this assault my honour opposed as a piece of -barbarous cowardice, in which he was not to be imitated. At other -times I entertained thoughts of demanding satisfaction in an -honourable way; but was diverted from this undertaking by considering -the uncertainty of the event, and the nature of the injury he had -done me, which did not entitle him to such easy terms. At last I -determined to pursue a middle course, and actually put my design in -execution after this manner. Having secured the assistance of Strap -and two of his acquaintance whom he could depend upon, we provided -ourselves with disguises, and I caused the following letter to be -delivered to him by one of our associates in livery, one Sunday -evening:-- - -"Sir--If I may be allowed to judge from appearance, it will not -be disagreeable for you to hear that my husband is gone to Bagshot -to visit a patient, and will not return till to-morrow night; so -that, if you have anything to propose to me (as your behaviour on -many occasions has seemed to insinuate), you will do well to embrace -the present opportunity of seeing, Yours, etc." This letter was -signed with the Dame of an apothecary's wife who lived in Chelsea, -of whom I bad heard O'Donnell was an admirer. Everything succeeded -to our wish. The hero hastened towards the place of appointment, -and was encountered by us in the very place where he had assaulted -me. We rushed upon him all at once, secured his sword, stripped -off his clothes even to the skin, which was scourged with nettles -till he was blistered from head to foot, notwithstanding all the -eloquence of his tears and supplications. When I was satisfied with -the stripes I had bestowed, we carried off his clothes, which we -hid in a hedge near the place, and left him stark naked to find -his way home in the best manner he could, while I took care to be -there before him. I afterwards understood that, in his way to the -lodgings of a friend, who lived in the skirts of the town, he was -picked up by the watch, who carried him to the round-house, from -whence he sent for clothes to his lodgings, and next morning arrived -at the door in a chair, wrapt up in a blanket he had borrowed; for -his body was so sore and swelled, that he could not bear to be -confined in his wearing apparel. He was treated with the utmost -tenderness by my mistress and her daughter, who vied with each -other in their care and attendance of him; but Lavement himself -could not forbear expressing his joy, by several malicious grins, -while he ordered me to prepare an unguent for his sores. As to -myself, nobody can doubt my gratification, when I had every day -an opportunity of seeing my revenge protracted on the body of my -adversary, by the ulcers of which I had been the cause; and, indeed, -I not only enjoyed the satisfaction of having flea'd him alive, -but another also which I had not foreseen. The story of his being -attacked and stripped in such a place having been inserted in the -news, gave information to those who found his clothes next day, -whither to bring them; and accordingly he retrieved everything he -had lost except a few letters, among which was that which I had -writ to him in the name of the apothecary's wife. This, and the -others, which were all on the subject of love (for this Hibernian -hero was one of those people who are called fortune-hunters), fell -into the hands of a certain female author, famous for the scandal -she has published; who, after having embellished them with some -ornaments of her own invention, gave them to the to town in print. -I was very much shocked on reflection, that I might possibly be the -occasion of a whole family's unhappiness on account of the letter -I had written; but was eased of that apprehension, when I understood -that the Chelsea apothecary had commenced a lawsuit against the -printer for defamation, and looked upon the whole as a piece of -forgery committed by the author, who had disappeared. But whatever -might he his opinion of the matter, our two ladies seemed to entertain -a different idea of it: for as soon as the pamphlet appeared, I -could perceive their care of their patient considerably diminish, -till at last it ended in a total neglect. It was impossible for -him to be ignorant of this change, any more than of the occasion -of it; but as he was conscious to himself of having deserved worse -than contempt at their hands, he was glad to come off so cheaply, -and contented himself with muttering curses and threats against -the apothecary, who, as he imagined, having got an inkling of the -appointment with his wife, had taken revenge of him in the manner -described. By the time he had got a new scarf skin his character -was become so notorious, that he thought it high time for him to -decamp; and his retreat he performed in one night, without beat -of drum, after having robbed his own servant of everything that -belonged to him except the clothes he had on his back. - -A few days after he disappeared, Mr. Lavement, for his own security, -took into his custody a large old trunk which he had left; and as -it was very heavy, made no question that the contents were sufficient -to indemnify him for what O'Donnell owed in lodging. But a month -being elapsed without hearing any tidings of this adventurer, and -my master being impatient to know what the trunk contained, he ordered -me to break it open in his presence, which task I performed with -the pestle of our great mortar, and discovered, to his inexpressible -astonishment and mortification, a heap of stones. - -About this time, my friend Strap informed me of an offer he had to -go abroad with a gentleman in quality of valet de chambre and at -the same time assured me that, whatever advantage he might propose -to himself from this prospect, he could not bear the thoughts of -parting from me, so much was he attached to my fortune. In spite of -all the obligations I owed to this poor, honest fellow, ingratitude -is so natural to the heart of man, that I began to be tired of -his acquaintance: and now that I had contracted other friendships -which appeared more creditable, was even ashamed to see a journeyman -barber inquiring after me with the familiarity of a companion. -I therefore, on pretence of consulting his welfare, insisted upon -his accepting the proposal, which he at last determined to embrace, -with great reluctance, and in a few days, took his leave of me, -shedding a flood of tears, which I could not behold without emotion. -I now began to look upon me as of a gentleman in reality; learned -to dance, frequented plays during the holidays; became the oracle -of an ale-house, where every dispute was referred to my decision; -and at length contracted an acquaintance with a young lady, who found -means to make a conquest of my heart, and upon whom I prevailed, -after much attendance and solicitation, to give me a promise of -marriage. As this beautiful creature passed for a rich heiress, I -blessed my good fortune, and was actually on the point of crowning -all my wishes by matrimony, when I made such a discovery as -effectually turned me from my design, and I abandoned all thoughts -of marriage for the future. - - - - - -CHAPTER XXI - - - - -Squire Gawky comes to lodge with my master--is involved in a -troublesome affair, out of which he is extricated by me--he marries -my master's daughter--they conspire against me--I am found guilty -of theft, discharged--deserted by my friends, I hire a room in -St. Gile's--where, by accident, I find the lady to whom I paid my -addresses in a miserable condition--I relieve her - - -When I enjoyed myself at large in this temper of mind, Lavement let -his first floor to my countryman and acquaintance, Squire Gawky, who -by this time had got a lieutenancy in the army, and such a martial -ferocity in his appearance that I was afraid he would remember -what happened between us in Scotland, and atone for his breach of -appointment then by his punctuality now; but whether he had actually -forgot me, or was willing to make me believe so, he betrayed not the -least symptom of recognition at sight of me, and I remained quite -cured of my apprehension; though I had occasion not long after to -be convinced, that howsoever his externals might be altered, he was -at bottom the same individual Gawky, whom I have already described. -For coming home late one night from the house of a patient, I -heard a noise in the street, and as I approached. perceived two -gentlemen in custody, of three watchmen. The prisoners, who were -miserable, disfigured with dirt, complained bitterly of the loss of -their hats and wigs; and one of them, whom by his tongue I know -to be a Scotchman, lamented most piteously, offering a guinea -for his liberty, which the watchman refused, alleging that one of -his companions was wounded grievously, and that he must stand to -the consequence. My prejudice in favour of my native country was -so strong, that I could not bear to see anybody belonging to it -in distress, and therefore, with one blow of my faithful cudgel, -knocked down the watchman who had hold of the person for whom I -was chiefly concerned. He was no sooner disengaged, than he betook -himself to his heels, and left me to maintain the dispute as I should -think proper; and, indeed, I came off but scurvily, for, before I -could avail myself of my speed, I received a blow on the eye, from -one of the other two, that had well nigh deprived me of the use of -that organ. However, I made shift to get home, where I was informed -of Captain Gawky's being robbed and abused by a company of footpads, -and was ordered by my master to prepare an emollient glyster and -paregoric draught, in order to allay and compose the ferment of his -spirits, occasioned by the barbarous treatment he had undergone, -while he took twelve ounces of blood from him immediately. - -When I inquired into the particulars of this adventure, and -understood by the servant that he came in just before me, without -hat and wig, I made no scruple of believing him to be the person -I had released, and was confirmed in my belief upon hearing his -voice, to which (before that event) I had long been a stranger. - -My eye being considerably swelled and inflamed, I could not reflect -upon my enterprise without cursing my own folly, and even resolving -to declare the truth the truth of the whole story in order to be -revenged on the cowardly wretch for whom I had suffered: accordingly, -next day after he had told, in presence of my master, his wife and -daughter, who came to him, a thousand lies concerning the prowess -he had shown in making his escape, I ventured to explain the mystery, -and, calling in the evidence of my contused eye, upbraided him with -cowardice and ingratitude. Gawky was so astonished at this that -he could not answer one word, and the rest of the company stared -at one another; till at length my mistress reprimanded me for my -insolent behaviour, and threatened to turn me away for my presumption. -Upon which, Gawky (having recollected himself) observed, as the -young man might have mistaken another person for him, he could -forgive his insinuations, more especially as he seemed to have -suffered for his incivility; but advised me to be more certain in -my conjectures for the future, before I ventured to publish them to -the prejudice of any man. Miss applauded the Captain's generosity in -pardoning one who had so villainously aspersed him, and I began to -imagine her praise was not at all disinterested. But the apothecary, -who perhaps had more penetration or less partiality than his wife -and daughter, differed from them in their sentiments of the matter, -and expressed himself to me in the shop in this manner: "Ah mon -pauvre Roderique! you have more of de veracite dan of de prudence--bot -mine vife and dater be diablement sage, and Monsieur le Capitaine -un fanfaron, pardieu!" - -This eulogium on his wife and daughter, though spoken ironically -by him, was nevertheless literally just; by espousing the cause of -Gawky, the one obliged a valuable lodger, and the other acquired a -husband at a juncture when one was absolutely necessary. The young -lady insinuated herself so artfully into the affection of this -new lodger, that in less than a fortnight, on pretence of going to -the play, they drove away together to the Fleet, where they were -married; and in the morning came home, where they asked her father's -and mother's blessing. The prudent parents, notwithstanding the -precipitation with which the match was carried on, did not think fit -to refuse their approbation; for the apothecary was not ill pleased -to find his daughter married to a young man of a good prospect, -who had not mentioned one syllable on the article of her dowry; and -his wife was rejoiced at being rid of a rival and a spy upon her. -Whatever face Gawky put on the matter, my discovery of the adventure -before related, and the reproaches I vented against him, had stung -him to the soul, and cherished the seeds of enmity so strongly in -his breast, that he imparted his indignation to his wife, who being -as desirous as himself to accomplish the ruin of one that not only -slighted her caresses, but was able on any occasion to discover -particulars not at all advantageous to her character, readily -joined in a conspiracy against me, which (had it taken effect as -they expected) would infallibly have brought me to an ignominious -death. - -My master having several times missed large quantities of medicines, -of which I could give no account, at last lost all patience, and -in plain terms taxed me with having embezzled them for my own use. -As I could only oppose my single asseveration to his suspicion, -he told me one day, "Your vord not be give me de satisfaction--me -find necessaire to chercher for my medicine; pardonnez moi--il faut -chercber--me demand le clef of your coffre a cette heure." Then -raising his voice to conceal the fright he was in lest I should -make any opposition, he went on, "Oui! I charge you rendez le clef -of your cofrre--moi--si, moi qui vous parle." I was fired with so -much resentment and disdain at this accusation, that I burst into -tears, which he took for a sign of guilt; and pulling out my key, -told him he might satisfy himself immediately, though he would -not find it so easy to satisfy me for the injury my reputation had -suffered from his unjust suspicion. He took the key and mounted -up to my chamber, attended by the whole family, saying, "Eh bien, -nous verrons--nous verrons." But what was my horror and amazement, -when, opening my chest, he pulled out a handful of the very things -that were missing, and pronounced, "Ah, ha, vous etes bienvenu--mardy, -Mons. Roderique, you be fort innocent!" I had not power to utter -one word in my own vindication, but stood motionless and silent, -while everybody present made their respective remarks on what appeared -against me. The servants said they were sorry for my misfortune, -and went away repeating, "Who would have thought it?" My mistress -took occasion from this detection to rail against the practice of -employing strangers in general; and Mrs. Gawky, after having observed -that she never had a good opinion of my fidelity, proposed to have -me carried before the justice and committed to Newgate immediately. -Her husband was actually upon the stairs in his way for a constable, -when Mr. Lavement knowing the cost ant trouble of a prosecution -to which he must bind himself, and at the same time dreading lest -some particulars of my confession might affect his practice, called -out. "Restez, mon fils! restez, it be veritablement one grand crime -which dis pauvre diable have committed--bot peut-etre de good God -give him de penitence, and me vill not have upon mine head de blood -of one sinner." The captain and his lady used all the Christian -arguments their zeal could suggest to prevail upon the apothecary -to pursue me to destruction, and represented the injustice he did -to the community of which he was a member, in letting a villain -escape, who would not fail of doing more mischief in the world -when he should reflect on his coming off so easily now; but their -eloquence made no impression on my master, who turning to me said, -"Go, miserable, go from mine house quick, quick!--and make reparation -for your mauvaise actions." By this time my indignation had roused -me from the stupefaction in which I had hitherto remained and I -began in this manner:--"Sir, appearances I own condemn me; but you -are imposed upon as much as I am abused: I have fallen a sacrifice -to the rancour of that scoundrel" (pointing to Gawky) "who has found -means to convey your goods hither, that the detection of them might -blast my reputation, and accomplish my destruction. His hatred -to me is owing to a consciousness of his having wronged me in -my own country--for which injury he in a cowardly manner, refused -me the satisfaction of a gentleman; he knows, moreover, that I am -no stranger to his dastardly behaviour in this town, which I have -recounted before, and he is unwilling that such a testimony of his -ingratitude and pusillanimity should live upon the earth; for this -reason he is guilty of the most infernal malice to bring about my -ruin. And I am afraid, madam (turning to Mrs. Gawky) you have too -easily entered into the sentiments of your husband. I have often -found you my enemy, and am well acquainted with the occasion of -your being so, which I don't at present think proper to declare; -but I would advise you, for your own sake, not to drive me to -extremity." This address enraged her so much that with a face as -red us scarlet and the eyes of a fury, she strutted up to me and -putting her hands in her side, spat in my face, saying, I was a -scandalous villain, but she defied my malice; and that unless her -papa would not prosecute me like a thief as I was, she would not -stay another night under his roof. At the same time, Gawky assuming -a big look, told me, he scorned what lies I could invent against -him; but that, if I pretended to asperse his wife, he would put -me to death, To this threat I answered, "I wish I could meet with -thee in a desert, that I might have an opportunity of punishing -thee for thy perfidy towards me, and rid the world of such a rascal. -What hinders me this moment," said I, seizing an old bottle that -stood by, "from doing myself that justice?" I had no sooner armed -myself in this manner, than Gawky and his father-in-law retired in -such a hurry, that the one overturned the other, and they rolled -together down stairs, while my mistress swooned away with fear, -and her daughter asked if I intended to murder her. I gave her -to understand, that nothing was farther from my intention, that I -would leave her to the stings of her own conscience; but was firmly -resolved to slit her husband's nose, whenever fortune should offer -a convenient opportunity. Then going down stairs, I met Lavement -coming up trembling with the pestle in his hand, and Gawky behind -armed with his sword, pushing him forward. I demanded a parley: -and having assured him of my pacific disposition, Gawky exclaimed, -"Ah, villain! you have killed my dear wife." And the apothecary -cried, "Ah, coquin! vere is my shild?" "The lady," said I, "is -above stairs, unhurt by me, and will, a few months hence, I believe -reward your concern." Hero she called to them, and desired they -would let the wretch go, and trouble themselves no further about -him. To which request her father consented, observing, nevertheless, -that my conversation was 'very mysterious.' - -Finding it impossible to vindicate my innocence, I left the house -immediately, and went to the schoolmaster, with an intention -of clearing myself to him, and asking his advice with regard to -my future conduct; but, to my inexpressible vexation, he was gone -to the country, where he would stay two or three days. I returned -with a design of consulting some acquaintance I had acquired in the -neighbourhood; but my story had taken air through the officiousness -of the servants, and not one of my friends would vouchsafe me a -hearing. Thus I found myself, by the iniquity of mankind, in a much -more deplorable condition than ever: for though I had been formerly -as poor, my reputation was without blemish, and my health unimpaired -till now; but at present my good name was lost, my money gone, my -friends were alienated, my body was infected by an odious distemper; -and my faithful Strap, who alone could yield me pity and assistance, -absent I knew not where. - -The first resolution I could take in this melancholy conjuncture, -was to remove my clothes to the house of the person with whom I -had formerly lodged, where I remained two days in hopes of getting -another place by the interest of Mr. Concordance, to whom I made -no doubt of being able to vindicate my character; but in this -supposition I reckoned without my best, for Lavement took care to -be beforehand with me; and when I attempted to explain the whole -affair to the schoolmaster, I found him so prepossessed against -me, that he would scarce hear me to an end; but when I had finished -my justification, shook his head, and beginning with his usual -exclamation said, "That won't go down with me. I am very sorry I -should have the misfortune of being concerned in the affair, but, -however, shall be more cautious for the future. I will trust no man -from henceforward--no, not my father who begat me, nor the brother -who lay with me in my mother's womb: should Daniel rise from the -dead, I would think him an impostor; and were the genius of truth -to appear, would question its veracity!" I told him, that one day -it was possible he might be convinced of the injury I had suffered, -and repent of his premature determination. To which remark he -answered, the proof of my innocence would make his bowels vibrate -with joy; "but till that shall happen," continued he, "I mast beg -to have no manner of connection with you--my reputation is at stake. -I shall be looked upon as your accomplice and abettor--people will -say Jonathan Wild was but a type of me-boys will hoot at me as I -pass along; and the cinder-wenches belch forth reproaches wafted -in a gale impregnated with gin: I shall be notorious--the very butt -of slander, and sink of infamy!" I was not in a humour to relish -the climax of expressions upon which this gentleman valued himself -in all his discourses; but, without any ceremony, took my leave, -cursed with every sentiment of horror which my situation could -suggest. I considered, however, in the intervals of my despondence, -that I must, in some shape suit my expense to my calamitous -circumstances, and with that view hired an apartment in a garret -near St. Giles's, at the rate of nine-pence per week. - -I one day, when I sat in this solitary retreat musing upon the -unhappiness of my fate, was alarmed by a groan that issued from s -chamber contiguous to mine, into which I immediately ran, and found -a woman stretched on a miserable truckle bed, without any visible -signs of life. Having applied a smelling bottle to her nose, the -blood began to revisit her cheeks, and she opened her eyes; but, -good heaven! what were the emotions of my soul, when I discovered -her to be the same individual lady who had triumphed over my -heart, and to whose fate I had almost been inseparably joined! Her -deplorable situation filled my breast with compassion. She knew me -immediately; and, straining me gently in her arms, shed a torrent -of tears, which I could not help increasing. At length, casting a -languishing look at me, she pronounced with a feeble voice, "Dear -Mr. Random, I do not deserve this concern at your hands: I am a -vile creature, who had a base design upon your person--suffer me, -to expiate that, and all my other crimes, by a miserable death, -which will not fail to overtake me in a few hour." I encouraged -her as much as I could, told her I forgave all her intentions with -regard to me; and that, although my circumstances were extremely low, -I would share my last farthing with her. I begged in the meantime -to know the immediate cause of that fit from which she had just -recovered, and said, I would endeavour by my skill to prevent any more -such attacks. She seemed very much affected with this expression, -took my hand, and pressed it to her lips, saying, "You are too -generous! I wish I could live to express my gratitude--but alas! I -perish for want." Then shutting her eyes, she relapsed into another -swoon. Such extremity of distress must have waked the most obdurate -heart to sympathy and compassion; what effect then must it have -had on mine, that was naturally prone to every tender passion? I -ran downstairs, and sent my landlady to a chemist's shop for some -cinnamon water, while I, returning to this unfortunate creature's -chamber, used all the means in my power to bring her to herself; -this aim with much difficulty I accomplished, and made her drink -a glass of the cordial to recruit her spirits: then I prepared a -little mulled red vine and a toast, which having taken, she found -herself thoroughly revived, and informed me, that she had not tasted -food for eight and forty hours before. As I was impatient to know -the occasion and nature of her calamity, she gave me to understand, -that she was a woman of the town by profession; that in the course -of her adventures she found herself dangerously infected with -a distemper, to which all of her class are particularly subject; -that her malady gaining ground every day, she became loathsome to -herself and offensive to others: when she resolved to retire to -some obscure corner where she might be cured with as little noise -and expense as possible; that she had accordingly chosen this -place of retreat, and put herself into the hands of an advertising -doctor, who having fleeced her of all the money she had, or could -procure, left her three days ago in a worse condition than that in -which he found her; that except the clothes on her back, she had -pawned or sold everything that belonged to her to satisfy that -rapacious quack, and quiet the clamour of her landlady, who still -persisted in her threats to turn her out into the street. After -having moralised upon these particulars, I proposed that she should -lodge in the same room with me, an expedient that would save some -money: and assured her, I would undertake to cure her as well as my -own, during which she should partake of all the conveniences that -I could afford to myself. She embraced my offer with unfeigned -acknowledgment, and I began to put it in practice immediately. -I found her not only an agreeable companion, whose conversation -greatly alleviated my chagrin, but also a careful nurse, who -served me with the utmost fidelity and affection. One day, while I -testified my surprise that a woman of her beauty, good sense, and -education (for she had a large portion of each), could be reduced -to such an infamous and miserable way of life, she answered with -a sigh, "These very advantages were the cause of my undoing." This -remarkable reply inflamed my curiosity to such a degree, that I -begged she would favour me with the particulars of her story, and -she complied in these words. - - - - - -CHAPTER XXII - - - - -The History of Miss Williams - - -'My father was an eminent merchant in the city who having, in the -course of trade, suffered very considerable losses, retired in -his old age with his wife to a small estate in the country, which -he had purchased with the remains of his fortune. At that time, I -being but eight years of age, was left in town for the convenience -of education, boarded with an aunt, who was a rigid presbyterian, -and confined me so closely to what she called the duties of religion, -that in time I grew weary of her doctrines, and by degrees received -an aversion for the good books, she daily recommended to my perusal. -As I increased in age, and appeared with a person not disagreeable, -I contracted a good deal of acquaintance among my own sex; one -of whom, after having lamented the restraint I was under from the -narrowness of my aunt's sentiments, told me I must now throw off -the prejudices of opinion imbibed under her influence and example, -and learn to think for myself; for which purpose she advised me -to read Shaftsbury, Tindal, Hobbes, and all the authors that are -remarkable for their deviation from the old way of thinking, and -by comparing one with the other, I should soon be able to form a -system of my own. I followed her advice; and whether it was owing -to my prepossession against what I had formerly read, or the -clearness of argument in these my new instructors, I know not; but -I studied them with pleasure, and in a short time became a professed -freethinker. Proud of my improvement, I argued in all companies, -and that with such success, that I soon acquired the reputation -of a philosopher, and few people durst undertake me in a dispute. -I grew vain upon my good fortune, and at length pretended to make -my aunt a proselyte to my opinion; but she no sooner perceived my -drift than, taking the alarm, she wrote to my father an account of -my heresy, and conjured him, as he tendered the good of my soul, -to remove me immediately from the dangerous place where I had -contracted such sinful principles. Accordingly, my father ordered -me into the country, where I arrived in the fifteenth year of -my age, and, by his command gave him a detail of all the articles -of my faith, which he did not find so unreasonable as they had -been represented. Finding myself suddenly deprived of the company -and pleasures of the town, I grew melancholy and it was some time -before I could relish my situation. But solitude became every day -more and more familiar to me and I consoled myself in my retreat -with the enjoyment of a good library, at such times as were not -employed in the management of the family (for my mother had been dead -three years), in visiting, or some other party of rural diversion. -Having more imagination than judgment, I addicted myself too much -to poetry and romance; and, in short, was looked upon as a very -extraordinary person by everybody in the country where I resided. - -'I had one evening strayed, with a book in my hand, into a wood that -bordered on the high road, at a little distance from my father's -house, when a certain drunken squire, riding by, perceived me, and -crying, "Holloa, there's a charming creature!" alighted in a moment, -caught me in his arms, and treated me so rudely that I shrieked -as loud as I could, and in the meantime opposed his violence with -all the strength that rage and resentment could inspire. During this -struggle, another horseman came up, who, seeing a lady so unworthily -used, dismounted, and flew to my assistance. The squire, mad -with disappointment, or provoked with the reproaches of the other -gentleman, quitted me, and running to his horse, drew a pistol from -the saddle, and fired it at my protector, who happily receiving -no damage, went up, and, with the butt-end of his whip laid him -prostrate on the ground before he could use the other, which his -antagonist immediately seized, and, clapping to the squire's breast, -threatened to put him to death for his cowardice and treachery. In -this dilemma I interposed and begged his life, which was granted -to my request, after he had asked pardon, and swore his intention -was only to obtain a kiss. However, my defender thought proper to -unload the other pistol, and throw away the flints, before he gave -him his liberty. This courteous stranger conducted me home, where -my father having learned the signal service he had done me, loaded -him with caresses, and insisted on his lodging that night at our -house. If the obligation he had conferred upon me justly inspired -me with sentiments of gratitude, his appearance and conversation -seemed to entitle him to somewhat more, He was about the -age of two-and-twenty, among the tallest of the middle size; had -chestnut-coloured hair, which he wore tied up in a ribbon; a high -polished forehead, a nose inclining to the aquiline, lively blue -eyes, red pouting lips, teeth as white as snow, and a certain openness -of countenance--but why need I describe any more particulars of -his person? I hope you will do me the justice to believe I do not -flatter, when I say he was the exact resemblance of you; and if I -had not been well acquainted with his family and degree, I should -have made no scruple of concluding that you was his brother. He -spoke and seemed to have no reserve: for what he said was ingenuous, -sensible, and uncommon. In short," said she, bursting into tears, -"he was formed for the ruin of our sex. His behaviour was modest -and respectful, but his looks were so significant, that I could -easily observe he secretly blessed the occasion that introduced -him to my acquaintance. We learned from his discourse that he was -the eldest son of a wealthy gentleman in the neighbourhood, to whose -name we were no strangers--that he had been to visit an acquaintance -in the country, from whose house he was returning home, when my -shrieks brought him to my rescue. - -'All night long my imagination formed a thousand ridiculous expectations: -there was so much of knight-errantry in this gentleman's coming to -the relief of a damsel in distress, with whom he immediately became -enamoured, that all I had read of love and chivalry recurred to -my fancy; and I looked upon myself as a princess in some region of -romance, who being delivered from the power of some brutal giant -or satyr, by a generous Oroondates, was bound in gratitude, as well -as led by inclination, to yield up my affections to him without -reserve. In vain did I endeavour to chastise these foolish conceits -by reflections more reasonable and severe: the amusing images -took full possession of my mind, and my dreams represented my hero -sighing at my feet, in the language of a despairing lover. Next -morning after breakfast he took his leave, when my father begged -the favour of further acquaintance with him; to which request he -replied by a compliment to him, and a look to me so full of eloquence -and tenderness, that my whole soul received the soft impression. In -a short time he repeated his visit; and as a recital of the particular -steps he pursued to ruin me would be tedious and impertinent, let -it suffice to say, he made it his business to insinuate himself -into my esteem, by convincing me of his own good sense, and at the -same time flattering my understanding. This task he performed in -the most artful manner, by seeming to contradict me often through -misapprehension, that I might have an opportunity of clearing myself -the more to my own honour. Having thus secured my good opinion, he -began to give me some tokens of a particular passion, founded on -a veneration of the qualities of my mind, and, as an accidental -ornament, admired the beauties of my person; till at being fully -persuaded of his conquest, he chose a proper season for the theme, -and disclosed his love in terms so ardent and sincere, that it was -impossible for me to disguise the sentiments of my heart, and he -received my approbation with the most lively transport. After this -mutual declaration, we contrived to meet more frequently in private -interviews, where we enjoyed the conversation of one another, in -all the elevation of fancy and impatience of hope that reciprocal -adoration can inspire. He professed his honourable intentions, of -which I made no question; lamented the avaricious disposition of -his father, who had destined him for the arms of another, and vowed -eternal fidelity with such an appearance of candour and devotion--that -I became a dupe to his deceit. Cursed be the day on which I gave -away my innocence and peace! Cursed be my beauty that first attracted -the attention of the seducer! Cursed be my education, that, by -refining my sentiments, made my heart the more susceptible! Cursed -be my good sense, that fixed me to one object, and taught me the -preference I enjoyed was but my due! Had I been ugly, nobody would -have tempted me; had I been ignorant, the charms of my person would -not have atoned for the coarseness of my conversation; had I been -giddy, my vanity would have divided my inclinations, and my ideas -would have been so diffused, that I should never have listened to -the enchantments of one alone. - -But to return to my unfortunate story. After some months, the visits -of my lover became less frequent, and his behaviour less warm: I -perceived his coldness, my heart took the alarm, my tears reproached -him, and I insisted upon the performance of his promise to espouse -me, that, whatever should happen, my reputation might be safe. -He seemed to acquiesce in my proposal, and left me on pretence of -finding a proper clergyman to unite us in the bands of wedlock. But -alas! the inconstant had no intention to return. I waited a whole -week with the utmost impatience; sometimes doubting his honour, at -other times inventing excuses for him, and condemning myself for -harbouring suspicions of his faith. At length I understood from -a gentleman who dined at our house, that this perfidious wretch -was on the point of setting out for London with his bride, to buy -clothes for their approaching nuptials. This information distracted -me! Rage took possession of my soul; I denounced a thousand -imprecations, and formed as many schemes of revenge against the -traitor who had undone me. Then my resentment would subside to -silent sorrow. I recalled the tranquillity I lost, I wept over my -infatuation, and sometimes a ray of hope would intervene, and for -a moment cheer my drooping heart; I would revolve all the favourable -circumstances of his character, repeat the vows he made, ascribe -his absence to the vigilance of a suspicious father who compelled -him to a match his soul abhorred, and comfort myself with the -expectation of seeing him before the thing should be brought to any -terms of agreement. But how vain was my imagination! That villain -left me without remorse, and in a few days the news of his marriage -were spread all over the country. My horror was then inconceivable; -and had not the desire of revenge diverted the resolution, I should -infallibly have put an end to my miserable life. My father observed -the symptoms of my despair: and though I have good reason to believe -he guessed the cause, was at a great deal of pains to seem ignorant -of my affliction, while he endeavoured with parental fondness -to alleviate my distress. I saw his concern, which increased my -anguish, and raised my fury against the author of my calamity to -an implacable degree. - -"Having furnished myself with a little money, I made an elopement -from this unhappy parent in the night-time, and about break of -day arrived at a small town, from whence a stage coach set out for -London, in which I embarked, and next day alighted in town; the -spirit of revenge having supported me all the way against every -other reflection, My first care was to hire a lodging, in which I -kept myself very retired, assumed a feigned name, that my character -and situation might be better concealed. It was not long before -I found out the house of my lover, whither I immediately repaired -in a transport of rage, determined to act some desperate deed for -the satisfaction of my despair, though the hurry of my spirits -would not permit me to concert or resolve upon a particular plan. -When I demanded admission to Lothario (so let me call him), I was -desired to send up my name and business; but this I refused, telling -the porter I had business for his master's private ear; upon which -I was conducted into a parlour until he should be informed of my -request. There I remained about a quarter of an hour, when a servant -entered and told me his master was engaged with company, and begged -to be excused at that time. My temper could hold out no longer. I -pulled out a poniard from my bosom, where I had concealed it, and -rushing out flew up stairs like a fury, exclaiming, "Where's this -perfidious villain? could I plunge this dagger into his false -heart, I should then die satisfied!" The noise I made alarmed not -only the servants, but the company also, who hearing my threats -came forward to the staircase to see was the matter. I was seized, -disarmed, and withheld by two footmen; and in this situation felt -the most exquisite torture in beholding my undoer approach with -his young wife. I could not endure the sight, was deprived of my -senses, and fell into a severe fit, during which I know not how -I was treated; but when I recovered the use of reflection, found -myself on a bed in a paltry apartment, where I was attended by -an old woman, who asked a thousand impertinent questions relating -to my condition, and informed me that my behaviour had thrown the -whole family into confusion; that Lothario affirmed I was mad, and -proposed to have me sent to Bedlam; but my lady persuaded herself -there was more in my conduct than he cared should be known, and -had taken to her bed on bare suspicion, having first ordered that -I should be narrowly looked to. I heard all she said without making -any other reply than desiring she would do me the favour to call a -chair; but this she told me could not be done without her master's -consent, which, however, was easily procured, and I was conveyed -to my lodgings in a state of mind that baffles all description. -The agitation of my thoughts produced a fever, which brought on a -miscarriage; and I believe it is well for my conscience that heaven -thus disposed of my burden; for let me own to you with penitence and -horror, if I had brought a living child into the world, my frenzy -would have prompted me to sacrifice the little innocent to my -resentment of the father's infidelity. - -"After this event my rage abated, and my hate became more deliberate -and calm: when one day my landlady informed me that there was -a gentleman below who desired to see me, he having something of -consequence to impart, which he was sure would contribute to my -peace of mind. I was exceedingly alarmed at this declaration, which -I attempted to interpret a thousand ways; and before I came to any -determination he entered my room, with an apology for intruding -without my knowledge or consent. I surveyed him some time, and -not being able to recollect his face, demanded, with a faltering -accent, what his business was with me? Upon which he desired I would -give him a particular audience, and he did not doubt of communicating -something that would conduce to my satisfaction and repose. As I -thought myself sufficiently guarded against any violence, I granted -his request, and bade the woman withdraw. The stranger, then -advancing, gave me to understand that he was well acquainted with -the particulars of my story, having been informed of them from -Lothario's own mouth--that from the time he knew my misfortunes he -had entertained a detestation for the author of them, which had of -late been increased and inflamed to a desire of revenge, by a piece -of dishonourable conduct towards him--that hearing of my melancholy -situation, he had come with an intention of offering his assistance -and comfort, and was ready to espouse my quarrel, and forthwith -take vengeance on my seducer, provided I would grant him one -consideration, which, he hoped, I should see no reason to refuse. -Had all the artifice of hell been employed in composing a persuasive, -it could not have had a more instantaneous or favourable effect than -this discourse had upon me. I was transported with a delirium of -gloomy joy. The contract was made; he devoted himself to my revenge, -undertook to murder Lothario that very night, and to bring me an -account of his death before morning. Accordingly, about two of the -clock, he was introduced to my chamber, and assured me that my -perfidious lover was no more: that although he was not entitled -to such an honourable proceeding, he had fairly challenged him to -the field, where he upbraided him with his treachery towards me, -for whom, he told me, his sword was drawn, and after a few passes -left him weltering in his blood. I was so savaged by my wrongs, -that I delighted in the recital of this adventure, made him repeat -the particulars. and feasted my eyes on the blood that remained -on his clothes and sword. My imagination was so engrossed by these -ideas, that in my sleep I dreamed Lothario appeared before me pale, -mangled, and bloody, blamed my rashness, protested his innocence, -and pleaded his cause so pathetically, that I was convinced of -his fidelity, and waked in a fit of horror and remorse. I dropped -asleep again, and the same apparition recurred to my fancy. In short, -I passed the night in great misery, and looked upon my avenger with -such abhorrence, that in the morning, perceiving my aversion, he -insinuated there was still a possibility of Lothario's recovery: -it was quite true he left him wounded on the ground, but not quite -dead, and perhaps his hurts might not be mortal. At these words -I started up, bade him fly for intelligence, and if he could not -bring me tidings of Lothario's safety, at least consult his own, and -never return; for I was resolved to surrender myself to justice, and -declare all I knew of the affair, that, if possible I might expiate -my own guilt, by incurring the rigours of a sincere repentance and -ignominious death. He very coolly represented the unreasonableness -of my prejudice against him, who had done nothing but what his love -of me inspired, and honour justified: that now he had, at the risk -of his life, been subservient to my revenge, I was about to discard -him as an infamous agent, occasionally necessary; and that, even -if he should be so lucky as to bring news of Lothario's safety, it -was probable my former resentment might revive, and I would upbraid -him with having failed in his undertaking. I assured him, that on -the contrary, he should be dearer to me than ever, as I then should -be convinced he acted more on the principles of a man of honour -than on those of a mercenary assassin, and scorned to take away -the life of an adversary, how inveterate soever, which fortune had -put in his power. "Well, then madam," said he, whatever may have -happened, I shall find it no difficult matter to acquit myself in -point of honour;" and took his leave in order to inquire into the -consequences of his duel. I was now more sensible than ever of -the degrees of guilt and misery; all the affliction I had suffered -hitherto was owing to my own credulity and weakness, and my conscience -could only accuse me of venial crimes; but now that I looked upon -myself as a murderer, it is impossible to express the terrors of -my imagination, which was incessantly haunted by the image of the -deceased, and my bosom stung with the most exquisite agonies, of -which I saw no end. At length, Horatio (for so I shall call my new -friend) returned, and telling me I had nothing to fear, delivered -into my hands a billet containing these words. - - "Madam, - "As I understand it is of consequence to your peace, I take - this liberty to inform you, that the wounds I received from - Horatio are not mortal. This satisfaction my humanity could not - deny, even to a person who has endeavoured to disturb the - repose as well as the life of - Lothario." - -'Being well acquainted with this hand, I had no reason to suspect -an imposition in this letter, which I read over and over with -a transport of joy, and caressed Horatio so much that he appeared -the happiest man alive. Thus was I won from despair by the menaces -of a greater misfortune than that which depressed me. Griefs are like -usurpers,--the most powerful deposes all the rest. But my raptures -were not lasting: that very letter which in a manner re-established -my tranquillity, in a little time banished my peace. His unjust -reproaches, while they waked my resentment, recalled my former -happiness, and filled my soul with rage and sorrow. Horatio, -perceiving the situation of my mind, endeavoured to divert my -chagrin, by treating me with all the amusements and entertainments -of the town. I was gratified with every indulgence I could desire; -introduced into the company of women in my own situation, by whom -an uncommon deference was paid to me; and I began to lose all -remembrance of my former condition, when an accident brought it -back to my view with all its interesting circumstances. Diverting -myself one day with some newspapers, which I had not before perused, -the following advertisement attracted my attention: - -'"Whereas a young gentlewoman disappeared from her father's house -in the county of --, about the end of September, on account (as -is supposed) of some uneasiness of mind, and has not been as yet -heard of. Whoever will give any information about her to Mr. -- of -Gray's Inn, shall be handsomely rewarded; or if she will return to -the arms of her disconsolate parent, she will be received with the -utmost tenderness, whatever reason she may have to think otherwise, -and may be the means of prolonging the life of a father already -weighed down almost to the grave with age and sorrow." - -'This pathetic remonstrance had such an effect on me, that I was -fully resolved to return, like the prodigal son, and implore the -forgiveness of him who gave me life; but, alas! Upon inquiry, I -found he had paid his debt to nature a month before, lamenting my -absence to his last hour, having left his fortune to a stranger, -as a mark of his resentment of my unkind and undutiful behaviour. -Penetrated with remorse on this occasion, I sank into the most -profound melancholy, and considered myself as the immediate cause -of his death. I lost all relish for company; and, indeed, most of -my acquaintances no sooner perceived my change of temper, than they -abandoned me. Horatio, disgusted at my insensibility, or from some -other cause, became colder and colder every day, till at last he -left me altogether, without making any apology for his conduct, -or securing me against the miseries of want, as a man of honour -ought to have done, considering the share he had in my ruin; for I -afterwards learned, that the quarrel between Lothario and him was -a story trumped up to rid the one of my importunities, and give -the other a recommendation to me, which, it seems, he desired, upon -seeing me at the house of my seducer. Reduced to this extremity, I -cursed my own simplicity, uttered horrid imprecations against the -treachery of Horatio; and. as I became every day more and more -familiarised to the loss of innocence, resolved to be revenged on -the sex in general, by practising their own arts upon themselves. -Nor was an opportunity long wanting: an old gentlewoman, under -pretence of sympathising, visited me, and after having condoled me -on my misfortunes, and professed a disinterested friendship, began -to display the art of her occupation, in encomiums on my beauty, -and invectives against the wretch who had forsaken me; insinuating -withal, that it would be my own fault if I did not still make -my fortune by the extraordinary qualifications with which nature -had endowed me. I soon understood her drift, and gave her such -encouragement to explain herself, that we came to an agreement -immediately to divide whatever profits might accrue from such -gallants as she should introduce to my acquaintance. The first -stroke of my dissimulation was practised upon a certain judge, to -whom I was recommended by this matron as an innocent creature just -arrived from the country.' - - - - - -CHAPTER XXIII - - - - -Miss Williams interrupted by a bailiff, who carries her to the -Marshalsea--I accompany her--prove she is not the person named -in the writ--the bailiff is fain to discharge her--we shift our -lodging--her story, and my reflections thereupon-progress of a -common woman of the town--resolves to quit that way of life - - -Her story was here interrupted by a rap at the door, which I no -sooner opened, than three or four terrible fellows rushed in, one -of whom accosted my fellow-lodger thus: "Madam, your servant--you -must do me the favour to come along with me, I have a writ against -you." While the bailiff (for so he was) spoke thus, his followers -surrounded the prisoner, and began to handle her very roughly. -This treatment incensed me so much, that I snatched up the poker -and would certainly have used it in defence of the lady, without -any regard to the strength and number of her adversaries, had she -not begged me, with a composure of countenance for which I could -not account, to use no violence on her behalf, which could be of -no service to her, but might be very detrimental to myself. Then -turning to the leader of this formidable troop, she desired to see -the writ, and having perused it, said with a faltering voice, "I -am not the person whose name is here mentioned, arrest me at your -peril." "Ay, ay, madam," replied the catchpole. "We shall prove -your identity. In the meantime, whither will you be pleased to be -carried, to my house, or to jail?" "If I must be confined," said -she, "I would rather be in your house than in a common jail." "Well, -well," answered he, "if you have money enough in your pocket, you -shall be entertained like a princess." But when she acquainted him -with her poverty, he swore he never gave credit, and ordered one -of his myrmidons to call a coach, to carry her to the Marshalsea -at once. While they waited for the convenience, she took me aside, -and bade me be under no concern on her account, for she knew how -to extricate herself from this difficulty very soon, and perhaps -gain something by the occasion. Although her discourse was a mystery -to me, I was very well pleased with her assurance; and when the -coach came to the door, I offered to accompany her to prison, to -which proposal, after much entreaty, she consented. - -When we arrived at the gate of the Marshalsea, our conductor -alighted, and having demanded entrance, presented the writ to the -turnkey, who no sooner perceived the name of Elizabeth Cary than -he cried, "Ah, ah: my old acquaintance Bet! I'm glad to see thee -with all my heart." So saying, he opened the coach door, and helped -her to dismount; but when he observed her face, he started back, -saying, "Who have we got here?" The bailiff, alarmed at this -interrogation, cried with some emotion, "Who should it be but the -prisoner, Elizabeth Cary?" The turnkey replied, "That Elizabeth Cary! -I'll be hanged if that's Elizabeth Cary more than my grandmother." -Here the lady thought fit to interpose, and tell the catchpole, if -he had taken her word for it at first, he might have saved himself -and her a great deal of trouble. "It may be so," answered he, "but -I'll have further evidence that you are not the person, before you -and I part." "Yes, yes," said she, "you shall have further evidence, -to your cost." Then we adjourned into the lodge, and called for a -bottle of wine, where my companion wrote a direction to two of her -acquaintance, and begged the favour of me to go to their lodgings, -and request them to come to her immediately. I found them together at -a house in Brydges Street, Drury Lane, and as they were luckily -unengaged, they set out with me in a hackney-coach without -hesitation, after I had related the circumstances of the affair, -which flattered then with hopes of seeing a bailiff trounced; for -there is an antipathy as natural between women of that class and -bailiffs, as that subsisting between mice and cats. Accordingly, -when they entered the lodge, they embraced the prisoner very -affectionately by the name of Nancy Williams, and asked how long -she had been nabbed, and for what? On hearing the particulars of -her adventure repeated, they offered to swear before a justice of -peace that she was not the person mentioned in the writ, whom, it -seems, they all knew; but the bailiff, who was by the time convinced -of his mistake, told them he would not put them to that trouble. -"Ladies," said he, "there's no harm done--you shall give me leave -to treat you with another bottle, and then we'll part friends." -This proposal was not at all relished by the sisterhood: and Miss -Williams told him, sure he did not imagine her such a fool as to -be satisfied with a paltry glass of sour wine? Here the turnkey -interrupted her by affirming with an oath, that the wine was as -good as ever was tipped over tongue. "Well," continued she, "that -maybe; but were it the best of champagne, it is no recompense for -the damage I have suffered both in character and health, by being -wrongfully dragged to jail; at this rate, no innocent person is -safe, since an officer of justice, out of malice, private pique, -or mistake, may injure and oppress the subject with impunity; but, -thank heaven, I live under the protection of laws that will not -suffer such insults to pass unpunished, and I know very well how -to procure redress." Mr. Vulture, for that was the bailiff's name, -finding he had to deal with one who would not be imposed upon, -began to look very sullen and perplexed, and, leaning his forehead -on his hand, entered into a deliberation with himself, which lasted -a few minutes, and then broke out in a volley of dreadful curses -against the old jade our landlady, as he called her, for having -misinformed him. After much wrangling and swearing, the matter was -referred to the decision of the turnkey, who calling for the other -bottle, mulcted the bailiff in all the liquor that had been drunk, -coach hire, and a couple of guineas for the use of the plaintiff. -The money was immediately deposited; Miss Williams gratified the -two evidences with one half, and putting the other in her pocket -drove borne with me, leaving the catchpole grumbling over his -loss, yet pleased in the main, for having so cheaply got clear -of a business that might have cost him ten times the sum, and his -place to boot. This guinea was a very seasonable relief to us, who -were reduced to great necessity, six of my shirts, and almost all -my clothes, except those on my back, having been either pawned or -sold for our maintenance before this happened. As we resented the -behaviour of our landlady, our first care was to provide ourselves -with another lodging, whither we removed next day, with an intention -to keep ourselves as retired as possible, until our cure should -be completed. When we were fixed in our new habitation, I entreated -her to finish the story of her life, which she pursued in this -manner:-- - -'The success of our experiment on the judge encouraged us to -practice the same deceit on others; but this harvest lasted not -long, my character taking air, and my directress deserting me for -some new game. Then I took lodgings near Charing-Cross, at two -guineas a week, and began to entertain company in a public manner; -but my income being too small to defray my expenses, I was obliged -to retrench, and enter into articles with the porters of certain -taverns, who undertook to find employment enough for me, provided I -would share my profits with them. Accordingly, I was almost every -night engaged with company, among whom I was exposed to every -mortification, danger, and abuse, that flow from drunkenness and -brutality. As my spirit was not sufficiently humbled to the will, -nor my temper calculated for the conversation of my gallants, it was -impossible for me to overcome an aversion I felt for my profession, -which manifested itself in a settled gloom on my countenance, and -disgusted those sons of mirth and riot so much, that I was frequently -used in a shocking manner, and kicked down stairs with disgrace. -The messengers, seeing me disagreeable to their benefactors and -employers, seldom troubled me with a call, and I began to find -myself almost totally neglected. - -'To contribute towards my support I was fain to sell my watch, rings, -trinkets, with the best part of my clothes; and I was one evening -musing by myself on misery before me when I received a message from -a tavern, whither I repaired in a chair, and was introduced to a -gentleman dressed like an officer, with whom I supped in a sumptuous -manner. In the morning, when I awoke, I found my gallant had got -up, and, drawing aside the curtain, could not perceive him in the -room. I waited a full hour for his return, and then in the greatest -perplexity, rose up and rang the bell. When the waiter came to the -door, he found it locked, and desired admittance, which I granted, -after observing, with great surprise, that the key remained on -the inside, as when we went to bed. I no sooner inquired for the -captain, than the fellow, staring with a distracted look, cried, -"How, madam, is he not abed?" And when he was satisfied as to that -particular, ran into a closet adjoining to the chamber, the window -of which he found open. Through this the adventurer had got upon -a wall, front whence he dropped down into a court and escaped, -leaving me to be answerable not only for the reckoning, but also -for a large silver tankard and posset-bowl, which he had carried -off with him. - -'It is impossible to describe the consternation I was under, when -I saw myself detained as a thief's accomplice; for I was looked -upon in that light, and carried before a justice, who mistaking my -confusion for a sign of guilt committed me, after a short examination, -to Bridewell, having admonished me, as the only means to save my -life, to turn evidence, and impeach my confederate. I now concluded -the vengeance of Heaven had overtaken me, and that I must soon -finish my career by an ignominious death. This reflection sank so -deep into my soul, that I was for some days deprived of my reason, -and actually believed myself in hell, tormented by fiends. Indeed, -there needs not a very extravagant imagination to form that -idea: for of all the scenes on earth that of Bridewell approaches -nearest the notion I had always entertained of the regions. Here -I saw nothing but rage, anguish and impiety, and heard nothing but -groans, curses, and blasphemy. In the midst of this hellish crew, -I was subjected to the tyranny of a barbarian, who imposed upon -me tasks that I could not possibly perform, and then punished -my incapacity with the utmost rigour and inhumanity. I was often -whipped into a swoon, and lashed out of it (during which miserable -interval, I was robbed by my fellow-prisoners of everything about -me, even to my cap, shoes, and stockings): I was not only destitute -of necessaries, but even of food, so that my wretchedness was extreme. -Not one of my acquaintance to whom I imparted my situation, would -grant me the least succour or regard, on pretence of my being -committed for theft, and my landlord refused to part with some of -my own clothes which I sent for, because I was indebted to him for -a week's lodging. - -'Overwhelmed with calamity, I grew desperate, and resolved to put -an end to my grievances and life together: for this purpose I got -up in the middle of the night, when I thought everybody around me -asleep, and fixing one end of a large hook in the ceiling, that -supported the scales on which the hemp is weighed, I stood upon -a chair, and making a noose on the other end, put my neck into ii -with an intention to hang myself; but before I could adjust the -knot I was surprised and prevented by two women, who had been awake -all the while and suspected my design. In the morning, my attempt -was published among the prisoners and punished with thirty stripes, -the pain of which, co-operating with my disappointment and disgrace, -bereft me of my senses, and threw me into an ecstacy of madness, -during which I tore the flesh from my bones with my teeth, and -dashed my head against the pavement; so that they were obliged to -set a watch over me, to restrain me from doing further mischief to -myself and others. This fit of frenzy continued three days, at the -end of which I grew calm and sullen: but as the desire of making away -with myself still remained, I came to a determination of starving -myself to death, and with that view refused all sustenance. - -'Whether it was owing to the want of opposition, or to the weakness -of nature, I know not; but on the second day of my fast, I found -my resolution considerably impaired, and the calls of hunger almost -insupportable. At this critical conjuncture a lady was brought -into the prison, with whom I had contracted an acquaintance while -I lived with Horatio; she was then on the same footing as I was, -but afterwards quarrelling with her gallant, and not finding another -to her mind, altered her scheme of life, and set up a coffee-house -among the hundreds in Drury, where she entertained gentlemen with -claret, arrack, and the choice of half-a-dozen damsels who lived -in her house. This serviceable matron having neglected to gratify -a certain justice for the connivance she enjoyed, was indicted at the -quarter sessions, in consequence of which her bevy was dispersed, -and herself committed to Bridewell. She had not been long there before -she learned my disaster, and coming up to me, after a compliment -of condolence, inquired into the particulars of my fate. While we -were engaged in discourse together, the master came and told me, -that the fellow on whose account I had suffered was taken, that -he had confessed the theft, and cleared me of any concern in the -affair; for which reason he, the master, had orders to discharge -me, and that I was from that moment free. - -'This piece of news soon banished all thoughts of death, and had -such an instantaneous effect on my countenance, that Mrs. Coupler -(the lady then present), hoping to find her account in me, very -generously offered to furnish me with what necessaries I wanted, -and take me into her own house as soon as she could compromise -matters with the justices. The conditions of her offer were, that -I should pay three guineas weekly for my board, and a reasonable -consideration besides, for the use of such clothes and ornaments -as she should supply me with, to be deducted from the first profits -of my occupation. These were hard terms, but not to be rejected -by one who was turned out helpless and naked into the wide world, -without a friend to pity or assist her. I therefore embraced her -proposal, and she being bailed in a few hours, took me home with -her in a coach. As I was by this time conscious of having formerly -disgusted my admirers by my reserved loud haughty behaviour, I -now endeavoured to conquer that disposition, and the sudden change -of my fortune giving me a flow of spirits, I appeared in the most -winning and gay manner I could assume. Having the advantage of -a good voice and education, I exerted my talents to the uttermost, -and soon became the favourite with all company. This success -alarmed the pride and jealousy of Mrs. Coupler, who could not bear -the thoughts of being eclipsed: she therefore made a merit of her -envy, and whispered among the customers that I was unsound. There -needed no more to ruin my reputation and blast my prosperity; -everybody shunned me with marks of aversion and disdain, and in -a very short time I was as solitary as ever. Want of gallants was -attended with want of money to satisfy my malicious landlady, who -having purposely given me credit to the amount of eleven pounds, -took out a writ against me and I was arrested in her own house. -Though the room was crowded with people when the bailiff entered, -not one of them had compassion enough to mollify my prosecutrix, -far less to pay the debt; they even laughed at my tears, and one -of them bade me be of good cheer, for I should not want admirers -in Newgate. - -'At this instant a sea-lieutenant came in, and seeing my plight, -began to inquire into the circumstances of my misfortune. "Harkee, -my girl," he inquired "how far have you overrun the constable?" -I told him that the debt amounted to eleven pounds, besides the -expenses of the writ. "An that be all," said he, "you shan't go to -the bilboes this bout." And taking out his purse, he paid the money, -discharged the bailiff, and telling me I had got into the wrong -port, advised me to seek out a more convenient harbour, where I -could be safely hove down; for which purpose he made me a present -of five guineas more. I was so touched with this singular piece -of generosity, that for some time I had not power to thank him. -However, as soon as I recollected myself, I begged the favour of -him to go with me to the next tavern, where I explained the nature -of my disaster, and convinced him of the falsehood of what was -reported to my prejudice so effectually, that he from that moment -attached himself to me, and we lived in great harmony together, -until he was obliged to go to sea, where he perished in a storm. - -'Having lost my benefactor, and almost consumed the remains of his -bounty, I saw myself in danger of relapsing into my former necessity, -and began to be very uneasy at the prospect of bailiffs and jails! -when one of the sisterhood advised me to take lodgings in a part -of the town where I was unknown, and pass for an heiress, by which -artifice I might entrap somebody to be my husband, who would possibly -be able to allow me a handsome maintenance, or at worst screen me -from the dread and danger of a prison, by becoming liable for whatever -debts I should contract. I approved of this scheme, towards the -execution of which my companion clubbed her wardrobe, and undertook -to live with me in quality of my maid, with the proviso that she -should be reimbursed and handsomely considered out of the profits -of my success. She was immediately detached to look out for a -convenient place, and that very day hired a genteel apartment in -Park Street, whither I moved in a couch loaded with her baggage, and -my own. I made my first appearance in a blue riding habit trimmed -with silver; and my maid acted her part so artfully, that in a day -or two my fame spread all over the neighbourhood, and I was said -to be a rich heiress just arrived from the country. This report -brought a swarm of gay young fellows about me; but I soon found -them to be all indigent adventurers like myself, who crowded to me -like crows to a carrion, with a view of preying upon my fortune. I -maintained, however, the appearance of wealth as long as possible, -in hopes of gaining some admirer more for my purpose, and at length -attracted the regard of one who would have satisfied my wishes, -and managed matters so well, that a day was actually fixed for our -nuptials. In the interim, he begged leave to introduce an intimate -friend to me, which request, as I could not refuse, I had the extreme -mortification and surprise to see, next night, in that friend, my -old keeper Horatio, who no sooner beheld me than he changed colour, -but had presence of mind to advance and salute me, bidding me (with -a low voice) be under no apprehension, for he would not expose me. -In spite of his assurance, I could not recover myself so far as to -entertain them, but withdrew to my chamber on pretence of a severe -headache, to the no small concern of my adorer, who took his leave -in the tenderest manner, and went off with his friend. - -'Having imparted my situation to my companion, she found it high -time for us to decamp, and that without any noise, because we were -not only indebted to our landlady, but also to several tradesmen in -the neighbourhood. Our retreat, therefore, was concerted and executed -in this manner: Having packed up all our clothes and moveables in -small parcels, she (on pretence of fetching cordials for me) carried -them at several times to the house of an acquaintance, where she -likewise procured a lodging, to which we retired in the middle of -the night, when every other body in the house was asleep. I was -now obliged to aim at lower game, and accordingly spread my nets -among tradespeople, but found them all too phlegmatic or cautious -for my art and attractions, till at last I became acquainted with -you, on whom I practised all my dexterity; not that I believed you -had any fortune, or expectation of me, but that I might transfer -the burden of such debts as I had incurred, or should contract, -from myself to another, and at the same time avenge myself of your -sex, by rendering miserable one who bore such resemblance to the -wretch who ruined me; but Heaven preserved you from my snares by the -discovery you made, which was owing to the negligence of my maid -in leaving the chamber-door unlocked when she went to buy sugar -for breakfast. When I found myself detected and forsaken by you, -I was fain to move my lodging, and dwell two pair of stairs higher -than before. My companion, being disappointed in her expectations, -left me, and I had no other resource than to venture forth, like -the owls in the dark, to pick up a precarious and uncomfortable -subsistence. I have often sauntered between Ludgate Hill and Charing -Cross a whole winter night, exposed not only to the inclemency of -the weather, but likewise to the rage of hunger and thirst, without -being so happy as to meet with one dupe, then creep up to my garret, -in a deplorable draggled condition, sneak to bed, and try to bury -my appetite and sorrows in sleep. When I lighted on some rake or -tradesman reeling home drunk, I frequently suffered the most brutal -treatment, in spite of which I was obliged to affect gaiety and -good humour, though my soul was stung with resentment and disdain, -and my heart loaded with grief and affliction. In the course of -these nocturnal adventures, I was infected with the disease, that -in a short time rendered me the object of my own abhorrence, and -drove me to the retreat where your benevolence rescued me from the -jaws of death.' - -So much candour and good sense appeared in this lady's narration, -that I made no scruple of believing every syllable of what she said, -and expressed my astonishment at the variety of miseries she had -undergone in so little time, for all her misfortunes had happened -within the compass of two years; I compared her situation with my -own, and found it a thousand times more wretched. I had endured -hardships, 'tis true--my whole life had been a series of such; and -when I looked forward, the prospect was not much bettered, but then -they were become habitual to me, and consequently I could bear them -with less difficulty. If one scheme of life should not succeed, I -could have recourse to another, and so to a third, veering about -to a thousand different shifts, according to the emergencies of -my fate, without forfeiting the dignity of my character beyond a -power of retrieving it, or subjecting myself wholly to the caprice -and barbarity of the world. On the other hand, she had known and -relished the sweets of prosperity, she had been brought up under -the wings of an indulgent parent, in all the delicacies to which -her sex and rank entitled her; and without any extravagance of -hope, entertained herself with the view of uninterrupted happiness -through the whole scene of life. How fatal then, how tormenting, -how intolerable, must her reverse of fortune be!--a reverse, that -not only robs her of these external comforts, and plunges her into -all the miseries of want, but also murders her peace of mind, and -entails upon her the curse of eternal infamy! Of all professions -I pronounced that of a courtesan the most deplorable, and her of -all courtesans the most unhappy. She allowed my observation to be -just in the main, but at the same time affirmed that notwithstanding -the disgraces which had fallen to her share, she had not been so -unlucky in the condition of a prostitute as many others of the same -community. "I have often seen," said she, "while I strolled about -the streets at midnight, a number of naked wretches reduced to rags -and filth, huddled together like swine, in the corner of a dark -alley, some of whom, but eighteen months before, I had known the -favourites of the town, rolling in affluence, and glittering in -all the pomp of equipage and dress. Miserable wretch that I am! -perhaps the same horrors are decreed for me!" "No!" cried she, after -some pause, "I shall never live to such extremity of distress; my -own hand shall open a way for my deliverance, before I arrive at -that forlorn period!" Her condition filled me with sympathy and -compassion: I revered her qualifications, looked upon her as unfortunate, -not criminal, and attended her with such care and success, that in -less than two months her health, as well as my own, was perfectly -re-established. As we often conferred upon our mutual affairs, -and interchanged advice, a thousand different projects were formed, -which, upon further canvassing, appeared impracticable. We would -have gladly gone to service, but who would take us in without -recommendation? At length an expedient occurred to her, of which -she intended to lay hold; and this was, to procure with the first -money she should earn, the homely garb of a country wench, go to -some village at a good distance from town, and come up in a waggon, -as a fresh girl for service: by which means she might be provided -for, in a manner much more suitable to her inclination than her -present way of life. - - - - - -CHAPTER XXIV - - - - -I am reduced to a great misery--assaulted on Tower Hill by a press-gang, -who put me on board a tender--my usage there--my arrival on board -at a man-of-war, where I am put in irons, and released by the good -offices of Mr. Thompson, who recommends me as assistant to the -surgeon---he relates his own story--characters of the captain, -surgeon, and first mate - - -I applauded the resolution of Miss Williams, who a few days after, -was hired in quality of bar-keeper, by one of the ladies who -had witnessed in her behalf at the Marshalsea, and who since that -time had got credit with a wine merchant, whose favourite she was, -to set up a convenient house of her own. Thither my fellow-lodger -repaired, after having taken leave of me with a torrent of tears, -and a thousand protestations of eternal gratitude; assuring me she -would remain in this situation no longer than she could pick up -money sufficient to put her other design in execution. - -As for my own part, I saw no resource but the army or navy, between -which I hesitated so long that I found myself reduced to a starving -condition. My spirit began to accommodate itself to my beggarly -fate, and I became so mean as to go down towards Wapping, with an -intention to inquire for an old schoolfellow, who, I understood, -had got the command of a small coasting vessel then in the river, -and implore his assistance. But my destiny prevented this abject -piece of behaviour; for as I crossed Tower Wharf, a squat tawny -fellow with a hanger by his side, and a cudgel in his hand came up -to me, calling, "Yo ho! brother, you must come along with me." As -I did not like his appearance, instead of answering his salutation, -I quickened my pace, in hope of ridding myself of his company; upon -which he whistled aloud, and immediately another sailor appeared -before me, who laid hold of me by the collar, and began to drag me -along. Not being in a humour to relish such treatment, I disengaged -myself of the assailant, and, with one blow of my cudgel, laid -him motionless on the ground; and perceiving myself surrounded in -a trice by ten or a dozen more, exerted myself with such dexterity -and success, that some of my opponents were fain to attack me -with drawn cutlasses; and after an obstinate engagement, in which -I received a large wound on my head, and another on my left cheek, -I was disarmed, taken prisoner, and carried on board a pressing -tender, where, after being pinioned like a malefactor, I was thrust -down into the hold among a parcel of miserable wretches, the sight -of whom well nigh distracted me. As the commanding officer had -not humanity enough to order my wounds to be dressed, and I could -not use my own hands, I desired one of my fellow captives who was -unfettered, to take a handkerchief out of my pocket, and tie it -round my head, to stop the bleeding. He pulled out my handkerchief, -'tis true, but instead of applying it to the use for which I designed -it, went to the grating of the hatchway, and, with astonishing -composure, sold it before my face to a bumboat woman [1] then on -board, for a quart of gin, with which he treated his companions, -regardless of my circumstances and entreaties. - - -[1] A Bumboat woman is one who sells bread, cheese, greens, liquor, -and fresh potatoes to the sailors, in a small boat that lies -alongside the ship - - -I complained bitterly of this robbery to the midshipman on deck, -telling him at the same time, that unless my hurts were dressed, -I should bleed to death. But compassion was a weakness of which no -man could justly accuse this person, who, squirting a mouthful of -dissolved tobacco upon me through the gratings, told me "I was a -mutinous dog, and that I might die for anything he cared!" Finding -there was no other remedy, I appealed to patience, and laid up this -usage in my memory, to be called at a more fitting opportunity. In -the meantime, loss of blood, vexation, and want of food, contributed, -with the noisome stench of the place, to throw me into a swoon, -out of which I was recovered by a tweak of the nose, administered -by the tar who stood sentinel over us, who at the same time regaled -me with a draught of flip, and comforted me with the hopes of being -put on board of the Thunder next day, where I should be freed of -my handcuffs, and cured of my wounds by the doctor. I no sooner -beard him name the Thunder, than I asked if he had belonged to -that ship long; and be giving me to understand he had belonged to -her five years, I inquired if he knew Lieutenant Bowling? "Know -Lieutenant Bowling!" said he, "Odds my life! and that I do; and -a good seaman he is as ever stepped upon forecastle, and a brave -fellow as ever cracked biscuit--none of your Guinea pigs, nor your -fresh water, wish-washy, fair-weather fowls. Many a taugt gale of -wind have honest Tom Bowling and I weathered together. Here's his -health, with all my heart: wherever he is, a-loft, or a-low, the -lieutenant needs not be ashamed to show himself." I was so much -affected with this eulogium, that I could not refrain from telling -him that I was Lieutenant Bowling's kinsman; in consequence of which -connection, he expressed his inclination to serve me, and when he -was relieved, brought some cold boiled beef in a platter, and biscuit, -on which we supped plentifully, and afterwards drank another can -of flip together. While we were thus engaged, he recounted a great -many exploits of my uncle, who, I found, was very much beloved by -the ship's company, and pitied for the misfortune that had happened -to him in Hispaniola, which I was very glad to be informed was -not so great as I imagined; for Captain Oakum had recovered of -his wounds, and actually at that time commanded the ship. Having -by accident, in my pocket, my uncle's letter, written from Port -Louis, I gave it my benefactor (whose name was Jack Rattlin) for -his perusal; but honest Jack told me frankly he could not read, -and desired to know the contents, which I immediately communicated. -When he heard that part of it in which he says he had written to -his landlord in Deal, he cried, "Body o' me! that was old Ben Block; -he was dead before the letter came to hand. Ey, ey, had Ben been -alive, Lieutenant Bowling would have had no occasion to skulk so -long. Honest Ben was the first man that taught him to hand, reef, -and steer. Well, well, we must all die, that's certain--we must all -come to port sooner or later, at sea or on shore--we must be fast -moored one day: death's like the best bower anchor, as the saying -is--it will bring us all up." I could not but signify my approbation -of the justness of Jack's reflections, and inquired into the -occasion of the quarrel between Captain Oakum and my uncle, which -he explained in this manner: "Captain Oakum, to be sure, is a good -man enough--besides, he's my commander; but what's that to me? I do -my duty, and value no man's anger of a rope's end. Now the report -goes, as how he's a lord, or baron knight's brother, whereby -(d'ye see me,) he carries a straight arm, and keeps aloof from his -officers, thof mayhap they may be as good men in the main as he. -Now we lying at anchor in Tuberon Bay, Lieutenant Bowling had the -middle watch, and as he always kept a good look out, he made (d'ye -see) three lights in the offing, whereby he ran down to the great -cabin for orders, and found the captain asleep; whereupon he waked -him, which put him in a main high passion, and he swore woundily -at the lieutenant, and called him lousy Scotch son of a whore (for, -I being then sentinel in the steerage, heard all), and swab, and -lubber, whereby the lieutenant returned the salute, and they jawed -together fore and aft a good spell, till at last the captain turned -out, and, laying hold of a rattan, came athwart Mr. Bowling's quarter: -whereby he told the captain that, if he was not his commander, he -would heave him overboard, and demanded satisfaction ashore; whereby -in the morning watch, the captain went ashore in the pinnace, and -afterwards the lieutenant carried the cutter ashore, and so they, -leaving the boats' crews on their oars, went away together; and -so (d'ye see) in less than a quarter of an hour we heard firing, -whereby we made for the place, and found the captain lying wounded -on the beach, and so brought him on board to the doctor, who cured -him in less than six weeks. But the lieutenant clapped on all the -sail he could bear, and had got far enough ahead before we knew -anything of the matter; so that we could never after get sight of -him, for which we were not sorry, because the captain was mainly -wrath, and would certainly have done him a mischief; for he afterwards -caused him to be run on the ship's books, whereby he lost all his -pay, and, if he should be taken, would be tried as a deserter." - -This account of the captain's behaviour gave me no advantageous -idea of his character; and I could not help lamenting my own fate, -that had subjected me to such a commander. However, making a virtue -of necessity, I put a good face on the matter, and next day, was, -with the other pressed men, put on board of the "Thunder," lying at -the Nore. When we came alongside, the mate, who guarded us thither, -ordered my handcuffs to be taken off, that I might get on board the -easier; this circumstance being perceived by some of the company -who stood upon the gangboard to see us enter, one of them called -to Jack Rattlin, who was busied in doing this friendly office for -me, "Hey, Jack, what Newgate galley have you boarded in the river -as you came along? Have we not thieves enow among us already?" -Another, observing my wounds, which remained exposed to the air, -told me, my seams were uncaulked, and that I must be new payed. A -third, seeing my hair clotted together with blood, as it were into -distinct cords, took notice, that my bows were mended with the red -ropes, instead of my side. A fourth asked me, if I could not keep -my yards square without iron braces? And, in short, a thousand -witticisms of the same nature were passed upon me before I could -get up the ship's side. - -After we had been all entered upon the ship's books, I inquired -of one of my shipmates where the surgeon was, that I might have -my wounds dressed, and had actually got as far as the middle deck -(for our ship carried eighty guns), in my way to the cockpit, when -I was met by the same midshipman who had used me so barbarously -in the tender: he, seeing me free from my chains, asked, with an -insolent air, who had released me? To this question, I foolishly -answered, with a countenance that too plainly declared the state -of my thoughts, "Whoever did it, I am persuaded did not consult -you in the affair." I had no sooner uttered these words, than he -cried, "Damn you, you saucy son of a hitch, I'll teach you to talk -so to your officer." So saying, he bestowed on me several severe -stripes with a supple jack he had in his hand: and, going to the -commanding officer, made such a report of me, that I was immediately -put in irons by the master-at-arms, and a sentinel placed over me. -Honest Rattlin, as soon as he heard of my condition, came to me, -and administered all the consolation he could, and then went to -the surgeon in my behalf, who sent one of his mates to dress my -wounds. This mate was no other than my old friend Thompson, with -whom I became acquainted at the Navy Office, as before mentioned. -If I knew him at first sight, it was not easy for him to recognise -me, disfigured with blood and dirt, and altered by the misery I -had undergone. Unknown as I was to him, he surveyed me with looks -of compassion, and handled my sores with great tenderness. When -he had applied what he thought proper, and was about to leave me, -I asked him if my misfortunes had disguised me so much that he -could not recollect my face? Upon this address he observed me with -great earnestness for some time, and at length protested he could -not recollect one feature of my countenance. To keep him no longer -in suspense, I told him my name, which when he heard, he embraced -me with affection, and professed his sorrow at seeing me in such a -disagreeable situation. I made him acquainted with my story, and, -when he heard how inhumanly I had been used in the tender, he left -me abruptly, assuring me I should see him again soon. I had scarce -time to wonder at his sudden departure, when the master-at-arms -came to the place of my confinement, and bade me follow him to the -quarter-deck, where I was examined by the first lieutenant, who -commanded the ship in the absence of the captain, touching the -treatment I had received in the tender from my friend the midshipman, -who was present to confront me. - -I recounted the particulars of his behaviour to me, not only in the -tender, but since my being on board the ship, part of which being -proved by the evidence of Jack Rattlin and others, who had no great -devotion for my oppressor, I was discharged from confinement, to -make way for him, who was delivered to the master-at-arms to take -his turn in the bilboes. And this was not the only satisfaction I -enjoyed, for I was, at the request of the surgeon, exempted from -all other duty than that of assisting his mates, in making and -administering medicines to the sick. This good office I owed to -the friendship of Mr. Thompson, who had represented me in such a -favourable light to the surgeon, that be demanded me of the lieutenant -to supply the place of his third mate, who was lately dead. When -I had obtained this favour, my friend Thompson carried me down to -the cockpit, which is the place allotted for the habitation of the -surgeon's mates; and when he had shown me their berth (as he called -it), I was filled with astonishment and horror, We descended by -divers ladders to a space as dark as a dungeon, which, I understood, -was immersed several feet under water, being immediately above the -hold. I had no sooner approached this dismal gulph, than my nose was -saluted with an intolerable stench of putrified cheese and rancid -butter, that issued from an apartment at the foot of the ladder, -resembling a chandler's shop, where, by the faint glimmering of -a candle, I could perceive a man with a pale, meagre countenance, -sitting behind a kind of desk, having spectacles on his nose, and -a pen in his hand. This (I learned of Mr. Thompson) was the ship's -steward, who sat there to distribute provision to the several messes, -and to mark what each received. He therefore presented my name to -him, and desired I might be entered in his mess; then, taking a -light in his hand, conducted me to the place of his residence, which -was a square of about six feet, surrounded with the medicine-chest, -that of the first mate, his own, and a board by way of table fastened -to the after powder room; it was also inclosed with canvas nailed -round to the beams of the ship, to screen us from the cold, as well -as from the view of the midshipmen and quartermaster, who lodged -within the cable-tiers on each side of us. In this gloomy mansion -he entertained me with some cold suit pork, which he brought from -a sort of locker, fixed above the table: and calling for the boy of -the mess, sent for a can of beer, of which he made excellent flip -to crown the banquet. - -By this time I began to recover my spirits, which had been -exceedingly depressed with the appearance of everything about me, -and could no longer refrain from asking the particulars of Mr. -Thompson's fortune since I had seen him in London. He told me, -that being disappointed in his expectations of borrowing money to -gratify the rapacious s--t--ry at the Navy Office, he found himself -utterly unable to subsist any longer in town, and had actually -offered his service, in quality of mate, to the surgeon of a merchant -ship, bound to Guinea on the slaving trade; when, one morning, a -young fellow, of whom he had some acquaintance, came to his lodgings, -and informed him that he had seen a warrant made out in his name at -the Navy Office, for surgeon's second mate of a third-rate. This -unexpected piece of good news he could scarcely believe to be true, -more especially as he had been found qualified at Surgeons' Hall -for third mate only; but that he might not be wanting to himself, -he went thither to be assured, and actually found it so: whereupon, -demanding his warrant, it was delivered to him, and the oaths -administered immediately. That very afternoon he went to Gravesend -in the tilt-boat, from whence he took place in the tide-coach for -Rochester; next morning got on board the "Thunder," for which he -was appointed, then lying in the harbour at Chatham; and the same -day was mustered by the clerk of the checque. And well it was for -him that such expedition was used; for, in less than twelve hours -after his arrival, another William Thompson came on board, affirming -that he was the person for whom the warrant was expedited, and that -the other was an impostor. - -My friend was grievously alarmed at this accident, the more so, as -his namesake had very much the advantage over him both in assurance -and dress. However, to acquit himself of the suspicion of imposture, he -produced several letters written from Scotland to him in that name, -and, recollecting that his indentures were in a box on board, he -brought them up, and convinced all present that he had not assumed -a name which did not belong to him. His competitor, enraged that -they should hesitate in doing him justice (for to be sure the -warrant had been designed for him), behaved with so much indecent -heat, that the commanding officer (who was the same gentleman I had -seen) and the surgeon were offended at his presumption, and making -a point of it with their friends in town, in less than a week got -the first confirmed in his station. "I have been on board," said -he, "ever since; and, as this way of life is becoming familiar to -me, have no cause to complain of my situation. The surgeon is a -good-natured, indolent man; the first mate (who is now on shore on -duty) is indeed a little proud and choleric, as all Welshmen are, -but in the main a friendly honest fellow. The lieutenants I have -no concern with; and, as for the captain, he is too much of a -gentleman to know a surgeon's mate, even by sight." - - - - - -CHAPTER XXV - - - - -The behaviour of Mr. Morgan--his pride, displeasure, and generosity--the -economy of our mess described--Thomson's further friendship--the -nature of my duty explained--the situation of the sick - - -While he was thus discoursing to me, we heard a voice on the cockpit -ladder pronounce with great vehemence, in a strange dialect, "The -devil and his dam blow me from the top of Monchdenny, if I go to him -before there is something in my pelly. Let his nose be as yellow -as saffron, or as plue as a pell (look you), or as green as a leek, -'tis all one." To this declaration somebody answered, "So it seems -my poor messmate must part his cable for want of a little assistance. -His foretopsail is loose already; and besides the doctor ordered you -to overhaul him; but I see you don't mind what your master says." -Here he was interrupted with, "Splutter and cons! you lousy tog, -who do you call my master? Get you gone to the doctor, and tell -him my birth, and education, and my abilities; and moreover, my -behaviour is as good as his, or any shentleman's (no disparagement -to him,) in the whole world. Cot pless my soul I does he think, -or conceive, or imagine, that I am a horse, or an ass, or a goat, -to trudge backwards and forwards, and upwards and downwards, and -by sea and by land; at his will and pleasure? Go your ways, you -rapscallion, and tell Doctor Atkins that I desire and request that -he will give a look upon the tying man, and order something for him, -if he be dead or alive, and I will see him take it by and by, when -my craving stomach is satisfied, look you." At this, the other went -away, saying, "that if they should serve him so when he was dying, -by God he would be foul of them in the other world." Here Mr. -Thompson let me know, that the person we heard was Mr. Morgan, the -first mate, who was just come on board from the hospital, whither -he had attended some of the sick in the morning; at the same time -I saw him come into the berth. He was a short thick man, with a -face garnished with pimples, a snub nose turned up at the end, an -excessive wide mouth, and little fiery eyes, surrounded with skin -puckered up in innumerable wrinkles. My friend immediately made -him acquainted with my case; when he regarded me with a very lofty -look, but without speaking, set down a bundle he had in his hand, -and approached the cupboard, which, when he had opened, he exclaimed -in a great passion, "Cot is my life, all the pork is gone, as I -am a Christian!" Thompson then gave him to understand, that, as I -had been brought on board half famished, he could do no less than -to entertain me with what was in the locker, and the rather as he -had bid the steward enter me in the mess. Whether this disappointment -made Mr. Morgan more peevish than usual, or he really thought himself -too little regarded by his fellow mate, I know not, but after some -pause, he went on in this manner: "Mr. Thompson, perhaps you do -not use me with all the good manners, and complaisance, and respect -(look you,) that becomes you, because you have not vouchsafed to -advise with me in this affair. I have in my time (look you,) been -a man of some weight, and substance, and consideration, and have -kept house and home, and paid scot and lot, and the king's taxes; -ay, and maintained a family to boot. And moreover, also, I am your -senior, and your older, and your petter, Mr. Thompson." "My elder, -I'll allow you to be, but not my better!" cried Thompson, with -some heat. "Cot is my Saviour, and witness too," said Morgan, with -great vehemence, "that I am more elder, and therefore more petter -by many years than you." Fearing this dispute might be attended -with some bad consequence, I interposed, and told Mr. Morgan I was -very sorry for having been the occasion of any difference between -him and the second mate; and that, rather than cause the least -breach in their good understanding, I would eat my allowance to -myself, or seek admission into some other company. But Thompson, -with more spirit than discretion (as I thought), insisted upon -my remaining where he had appointed me; and observed that no man, -possessed of generosity and compassion, would have any objection -to it, considering my birth and talents, and the misfortunes I had -of late so unjustly undergone. - -This was touching Mr. Morgan on the right key, who protested with -great earnestness, that he had no objection to my being received -in the mess; but only complained that the ceremony of asking his -consent was not observed. "As for a sheltenman in distress," said -he, shaking me by the hand, "I lofe him as I lofe my own powels: -for, Cot help me! I have had vexations enough upon my own pack." And -as I afterwards learned, in so saying, he spoke no more than what -was true; for he had been once settled in a very good situation in -Glamorganshire, and was ruined by being security for an acquaintance. -All differences being composed, he untied his bundle, which consisted -of three bunches of onions, and a great lump of Cheshire cheese, -wrapped up in a handkerchief: and, taking some biscuit from the -cupboard, fell to with a keen appetite, inviting us to share of -the repast. When he had fed heartily on his homely fare, he filled -a large cup, made of a cocoa-nut shell, with brandy, and, drinking -it off, told us, "Prandy was the best menstruum for onions and -sheese." His hunger being appeased, he began to be in better humour; -and, being inquisitive about my birth, no sooner understood that -I was descended of a good family, than he discovered a particular -good-will to me on that account, deducing his own pedigree in a -direct line from the famous Caractacus, king of the Britons, who was -first the prisoner, and afterwards the friend of Claudius Caesar. -Perceiving how much I was reduced in point of linen, he made me a -present of two good ruffled shirts, which, with two more of check -which I received from Mr. Thompson, enabled me to appear with -decency. - -Meanwhile the sailor, whom Mr. Morgan had sent to the doctor, -brought a prescription for his messmate, which when the Welshman -had read, he got up to prepare it, and asked, "if the man was dead -or alive." "Dead!" replied Jack; "if he was dead, he would have -no occasion for doctor's stuff. No, thank God, death han't as yet -boarded him. But they have been yard-arm and yard-arm these three -glasses." "Are his eyes open," continued the mate. "His starboard -eye," said the sailor, "is open, but fast jammed in his head: and -the haulyards of his under jaw have given way." "Passion of my -heart!" cried Morgan, "the man is as pad as one would desire to be! -Did you feel his pulses!" To this the other replied with "Anan!" -Upon which this Cambro Briton, with great earnestness and humanity, -ordered the tar to run to his messmate, and keep him alive till -he should come with the medicine, "and then," said he, "you shall -peradventure pehold what you shall see." - -The poor fellow, with great simplicity, ran to the place where -the sick man lay, but in less than a minute returned with a woful -countenance, and told us his comrade had struck. Morgan, hearing -this, exclaimed, "Mercy upon my salvation! why did you not stop -him till I came?" "Stop him!" said the other; "I hailed him several -times, but he was too far on his way, and the enemy had got possession -of his close quarters; so that he did not mind me." "Well, well," -said he, "we all owe heaven a teath. Go your ways, you ragamuffin, -and take an example and a warning, look you, and repent of your -misteets." So saying, he pushed the seaman out of the berth. - -While we entertained us with reflections suitable to this event, -we heard the boatswain pipe to dinner; and immediately the boy -belonging to our mess ran to the locker, from whence he carried -off a large wooden platter, and, in a few minutes, returned with -it full of boiled peas, crying "Scaldings" all the way as he came. -The cloth, consisting of a piece of an old sail, was instantly -laid, covered with three plates, which by the colour I could with -difficulty discern to be metal, and as many spoons of the same -composition, two of which were curtailed in the handles, and the -other abridged in the lip. Mr. Morgan himself enriched this mess -with a lump of salt butter scooped from an old gallipot, and a -handful of onions shorn, with some pounded pepper. I was not very -much tempted with the appearance of this dish, of which, nevertheless, -my messmates ate heartily, advising me to follow their example, -as it was banyan day and we could have no meat till next noon, But -I had already laid in sufficient for the occasion, and therefore -desired to be excused: expressing a curiosity to know the meaning -of banyan day. They told me, that, on Mondays, Wednesdays, and -Fridays, the ship's company had no allowance of meat, and that these -meagre days were called banyan days, the reason of which they did -not know; but I have since learned they take their denomination -from a sect of devotees in some parts of the East Indies, who never -taste flesh. - -After dinner Thompson led me round the ship, showed me the -different parts, described their uses, and, as far as he could, made -me acquainted with the particulars of the discipline and economy -practised on board. He then demanded of the boatswain a hammock -for me, which was slung in a very neat manner by my friend Jack -Rattlin; and, as I had no bed-clothes, procured credit for me with -the purser, for a mattress and two blankets. At seven o'clock in -the evening Morgan visited the sick, and, having ordered what was -proper for each, I assisted Thompson in making up his prescriptions: -but when I followed him with the medicines into the sick berth, or -hospital, and observed the situation of the patients, I was much -less surprised that people should die on board, than that a sick -person should recover. Here I saw about fifty miserable distempered -wretches, suspended in rows, so huddled one upon another, that not -more than fourteen inches space was allotted for each with his bed -and bedding; and deprived of the light of the day, as well as of -fresh air; breathing nothing but a noisome atmosphere of the morbid -steams exhaling from their own excrements and diseased bodies, -devoured with vermin hatched in the filth that surrounded them, -and destitute of every convenience necessary for people in that -helpless condition. - - - - - -CHAPTER XXVI - - - - -A disagreeable accident happens to me in the discharge of my -office--Morgan's nose is offended--a dialogue between him and the -Ship's steward-upon examination, I find more causes of complaint than -one--my hair is cut off--Morgan's cookery--the manner of sleeping -on board-I am waked in the night by a dreadful noise - - -Could not comprehend how it was possible for the attendants to come -near those who hung on the inside towards the sides of the ship, -in order to assist them, as they seemed barricadoed by those who -lay on the outside, and entirely out of the reach of all visitation; -much less could I conceive how my friend Thompson would be able to -administer clysters, that were ordered for some, in that situation; -when I saw him thrust his wig in his pocket, and strip himself to -his waistcoat in a moment, then creep on all fours under the hammocks -of the sick, and, forcing up his bare pate between two, keep them -asunder with one shoulder, until he had done his duty. Eager to -learn the service, I desired he would give me leave to perform the -next operation of that kind; and he consenting, I undressed myself -after his example, and crawling along, the ship happened to roll: -this motion alarming me, I laid hold of the first thing that came -within my grasp with such violence, that I overturned it, and soon -found, by the smell that issued upon me, that I had unlocked a box -of the most delicious perfume. It was well for me that my nose was -none of the most delicate, else I know not how I might have been -affected by this vapour, which diffused itself all over the ship, -to the utter discomposure of everybody who tarried on the same -dock! neither was the consequence of this disgrace confined to my -sense of smelling only; for I felt my misfortune more ways than one. -That I might not, however, appear altogether disconcerted in this -my first essay, I got up, and, pushing my head with great force -between two hammocks, towards the middle, where the greatest resistance -was, I made an opening indeed, but, not understanding the knack of -dexterously turning my shoulder to maintain my advantage, had the -mortification to find myself stuck up, as it were, in a pillory, -and the weight of three or four people bearing on each side of my -neck, so that I was in danger of strangulation. While I remained -in this defenceless posture, one of the sick men, rendered peevish -by his distemper, was so enraged at the smell I had occasioned and -the rude shock he had received from me in my elevation, that, with -many bitter reproaches, he seized me by the nose, which he tweaked -so unmercifully, that I roared with anguish. Thompson, perceiving -my condition, ordered one of the waiters to my assistance, who, with -much difficulty, disengaged me from this situation, and hindered -me from taking vengeance on the sick man, whose indisposition would -not have screened him from the effects of my indignation. - -After having made an end of our ministry for that time, we descended -to the cockpit, my friend comforting me for what had happened -with a homely proverb, which I do not choose to repeat. When we -had descended half-way down the ladder, Mr. Morgan, before he saw -us, having intelligence by his nose of the approach of something -extraordinary, cried, "Cot have mercy upon my senses! I pelieve the -enemy has poarded us in a stinkpot!" Then, directing his discourse -to the steward, from whence he imagined the odour proceeded, he -reprimanded him severely for the freedoms he took among gentlemen -of birth, and threatened to smoke him like a padger with sulphur, -if ever be should presume to offend his neighbours with such -smells for the future. The steward, conscious of his own innocence, -replied with some warmth, "I know of no smells but those of your -own making." This repartee introduced a smart dialogue, in which the -Welshman undertook to prove, that, though the stench he complained -of did not flow from the steward's own body, he was nevertheless -the author of it, by serving out damaged provisions to the ship's -company; and, in particular, putrified cheese, from the use of -which only, he affirmed, such unsavoury steams could arise. Then -he launched out into the praise of good cheese, of which he gave -the analysis; explained the different kinds of that commodity, -with the methods practised to make and preserve it, concluded in -observing, that, in yielding good cheese, the county of Glamorgan -might vie with Cheshire itself, and was much superior to it in the -produce of goats and putter. - -I gathered from this conversation, that, if I entered in my present -pickle, I should be no welcome guest, and therefore desired Mr. -Thompson to go before, and represent my calamity; at which the first -mate, expressing some concern, went upon deck immediately, taking -his way through the cable-tier and the main hatchway, to avoid -encountering me; desiring me to clean myself as soon as possible: -for he intended to regale himself with a dish of salmagundy and a -pipe. Accordingly, I set about this disagreeable business, and soon -found I had more causes of complaint than I at first imagined; for -I perceived some guests had honoured me with their company, whose -visit I did not think seasonable: neither did they seem inclined -to leave me in a hurry, for they were in possession of my chief -quarters, where they fed without reserve at the expense of my blood. -But, considering it would be easier to extirpate the ferocious -colony in the infancy of their settlement, than after they should -be multiplied and naturalised to the soil, I took the advice of my -friend, who, to prevent such misfortunes, went always close shaved, -and made the boy of our mess cut off my hair, which had been growing -since I left the service of Lavement; and the second mate lent me -an old bobwig to supply the loss of that covering. This affair being -ended, and everything adjusted in the best manner my circumstances -would permit, the descendant of Caractacus returned, and, ordering -the boy to bring a piece of salt beef from the brine, cut off a -slice, and mixed it with an equal quantity of onions, which seasoning -with a moderate proportion of pepper and salt, he brought it to a -consistence with oil and vinegar; then, tasting the dish, assured -us it was the best salmagundy that ever he made, and recommended -it to our palate with such heartiness that I could not help doing -honour to his preparation. But I had no sooner swallowed a mouthful, -than I thought my entrails were scorched, and endeavoured with a -deluge of small-beer to allay the heat it occasioned. Supper being -over, Mr. Morgan having smoked a couple of pipes, and supplied -the moisture he had expended with as many cans of flip, of which -we all partook, a certain yawning began to admonish me that it was -high time to repair by sleep the injury I had suffered from want of -rest the preceding night; which being perceived by my companions, -whose time of repose was now arrived, they proposed we should turn -in, or in other words, go to bed. Our hammocks, which hung parallel -to one another, on the outside of the berth, were immediately -unlashed, and I beheld my messmates spring with great agility into -their respective nests, where they seemed to lie concealed, very -much at their ease. But it was some time before I could prevail upon -myself to trust my carcase at such a distance from the ground, in -a narrow bag, out of which, I imagined, I should be apt, on the -least motion in my sleep, to tumble down at the hazard of breaking -my bones. I suffered myself, however, to be persuaded, and taking -a leap to get in, threw myself quite over, with such violence, that -had I not luckily got hold of Thompson's hammock, I should have -pitched upon my head on the other side, and in all likelihood -fractured my skull. - -After some fruitless efforts, I succeeded at last; but the -apprehension of the jeopardy in which I believed myself withstood -all the attacks of sleep till towards the morning watch, when, in -spite of my fears, I was overpowered with slumber, though I did not -long enjoy this comfortable situation, being aroused with a noise -so loud and shrill, that I thought the drums of my ears were burst -by it; this was followed by a dreadful summons pronounced by a -hoarse voice, which I could not understand. While I was debating -with myself, whether or not I should wake my companion and inquire -into the occasion of this disturbance, I was informed by one of the -quartermasters who passed by me with a lantern in his hand, that -the noise which alarmed me was occasioned by the boatswain's mates -who called up the larboard watch, and that I must lay my account -with such an interruption every morning at the same hour. Being -now more assured of my safety, I undressed myself again to rest, -and slept till eight o'clock, when rising, and breakfasting with my -comrades on biscuit and brandy, the sick were visited and assisted -as before; after which visitation my good friend Thompson explained -and performed another piece of duty, to which I was a stranger. At -a certain hour in the morning, the boy of the mess went round all -the decks, ringing a small hand-bell, and, in rhymes composed for -the occasion, invited all those who had sores to repair before the -mast, where one of the doctor's mates attended, with applications -to dress them. - - - - - -CHAPTER XXVII - - - - -I acquire the friendship of the Surgeon, who procures a warrant for -me, and makes me a present of clothes--a battle between a Midshipman -and me--the Surgeon leaves the ship--the Captain comes on board -with another Surgeon--a dialogue between the Captain and Morgan--the -sick are ordered to be brought upon the Quarter-deck and examined--the -consequences of that order--a Madman accuses Morgan, and is set at -liberty by command of the Captain, whom he instantly attacks, and -pummels without mercy - - -While I was busied with my friend in the practice. The doctor -chanced to pass by the place where we were, and stopping to observe -me appeared very well satisfied with my application; and afterwards -sent for me to his cabin, where, having examined me touching my -skill in surgery, and the particulars of my fortune, he interested -himself so far in my behalf, as to promise his assistance in procuring -a warrant for me, seeing I had already been found qualified at -Surgeons' Hall for the station I filled on board; and in this good -office he the more cordially engaged when he understood I was nephew -to lieutenant Bowling, for whom he expressed a particular regard. -In the meantime, I could learn from his discourse that he did not -intend to go to sea again with Captain Oakum, having, as he thought, -been indifferently used by him during the last voyage. - -While I lived tolerably easy, in expectation of preferment, I was -not altogether without mortifications, which I not only suffered -from the rude insults of the sailors and petty officers, among -whom I was known by the name of Loblolly Boy, but also from the -disposition of Morgan, who, though friendly in the main, was often -very troublesome with his pride, which expected a good deal of -submission from me, and delighted in recapitulating the favours I -had received at his hands. - -About six weeks after my arrival on board, the surgeon, bidding me -to follow him into his cabin, presented a warrant to me, by which -I was appointed surgeon's third mate on board the Thunder. This he -had procured by his interest at the Navy Office; as also another -for himself, by virtue of which he was removed into a second-rate. -I acknowledged his kindness in the strongest terms my gratitude -could suggest, and professed my sorrow at the prospect of losing -so valuable a friend, to whom I hoped to have recommended myself -still further, by my respectful and diligent behaviour. But his -generosity rested not here; for before he left the ship he made me -a present of a chest and some clothes that enabled me to support -the rank to which he had raised me. - -I found my spirit revive with my good fortune; and, now I was an -officer, resolved to maintain the dignity of my station, against -all opposition or affronts; nor was it long before I had occasion -to exert my resolution. My old enemy, the midshipman (whose name -was Crampley), entertaining an implacable animosity against me for -the disgrace he had suffered on my account, had since that time -taken all opportunities of reviling and ridiculing me, when I was -not entitled to retort this bad usage; and, even after I had been -rated on the books, and mustered as surgeon's mate, did not think -fit to restrain his insolence. In particular, being one day present -while I dressed a wound in a sailor's leg, he began to sing a song, -which I thought highly injurious to the honour of my country, and -therefore signified my resentment, by observing that the Scots -always laid their account with finding enemies among the ignorant, -insignificant, and malicious. This unexpected piece of assurance -enraged him to such a degree, that he lent me a blow on the face, -which I verily thought had demolished my cheek-bone. I was not -slow in returning the obligation, and the affair began to be very -serious, when by accident Mr. Morgan, and one of the master's -mates, coming that way, interposed, and, inquiring into the cause, -endeavoured to promote a reconciliation; but, finding us both -exasperated to the uttermost, and bent against accommodation, they -advised us either to leave our difference undecided, till we should -have an opportunity of terminating it on shore, like gentlemen, or -else choose a proper place on board, and bring it to an issue by -boxing. The last expedient was greedily embraced by us both; and, -being forthwith conducted to the ground proposed, we stripped in a -moment, and began a furious contest, in which I soon found myself -inferior to my antagonist, not so much in strength and agility, as -in skill, which he had acquired in the school of Hockley-in-the-Hole -at Tottenham-court. Many cross buttocks did I sustain, and pegs -on the stomach without number, till at last my breath being quite -gone, as well as my vigour wasted, I grew desperate, and collecting -all my strength in one effort, threw in at once, head, hands, and -feet, with such violence, that I drove my antagonist three paces -backward into the main hatchway, down which he fell, and pitching -upon his head and right shoulder, remained without sense and motion. -Morgan, looking down, and seeing him lie in that condition, cried, -"Upon my conscience, as I am a Christian sinner, (look you,) -I believe his pattles are all ofer; but I take you all to witness -that there was no treachery in the case, and that he has suffered -by the chance of war." So saying he descended to the deck below, -to examine into the situation of my adversary, and left me very -little pleased with my victory, as I found myself not only terribly -bruised, but likewise in danger of being called to account for -the death of Crampley; but this fear vanished when my fellow-mate -having, by bleeding him in the jugular, brought him to himself, and -inquired into the state of his body, called up to me to be under -no concern, for the midshipman had received no other damage than -as pretty a luxation of the os humeri as one would desire to see -on a summer's day. Upon this information I crawled down to the -cock-pit, and acquainted Thompson with the affair, who, providing -himself with bandages, etc, necessary for the occasion, went up to -assist Mr. Morgan in the reduction of the dislocation. When this -was successfully performed, they wished me joy of the event of the -combat; and the Welshman, after observing, that, in ail likelihood, -the ancient Scots and Britons were the same people, bade me "praise -Cot for putting mettle in my pelly, and strength in my limbs to -support it." I acquired such reputation by this rencontre, which -lasted twenty minutes, that everybody became more cautious in -behaviour towards me; though Crampley, with his arm in a sling, -talked very high, and threatened to seize the first opportunity -of retrieving on shore the honour he had lost by an accident, from -which I could justly claim no merit. - -About this time, Captain Oakum, having received sailing orders, came -on board, and brought along with him a surgeon of his own country, -who soon made us sensible of the loss we suffered in the departure -of Doctor Atkins; for he was grossly ignorant, and intolerably -assuming, false, vindictive, and unforgiving; a merciless tyrant -to his inferiors, an abject sycophant to those above him. In the -morning after the captain came on board, our first mate, according -to custom, went to wait on him with a sick list, which, when this -grim commander had perused, he cried with a stern countenance, -"Blood and cons! sixty-one sick people on board of my ship! Harkee, -you sir, I'll have no sick in my ship, by G--d." The Welshman -replied, "he should be very glad to find no sick people on board: -but, while it was otherwise, he did no more than his duty in -presenting him with a list." "You and your list may be d--n'd," -said the captain, throwing it at him; "I say, there shall be no -sick in this ship while I have the command of her." Mr. Morgan, -being nettled at this treatment, told him his indignation ought to -be directed to Cot Almighty, who visited his people with distempers, -and not to him, who contributed all in his power towards their -cure. The bashaw, not being used to such behaviour in any of his -officers, was enraged to fury at this satirical insinuation, and, -stamping with his foot, called him insolent scoundrel, threatening -to have him pinioned to the deck, if he should presume to utter -another syllable. But the blood of Caractacus being thoroughly -heated, disdained to be restricted by such a command, and began -to manifest itself in, "Captain Oakum, I am a shentleman of birth -and parentage (look you), and peradventure I am moreover." Here -his harangue was broken off by the captain's steward, who, being -Morgan's countryman, hurried him out of the cabin before he had -time to exasperate his master to a greater degree, and this would -certainly have been the case; for the indignant Welshman could -hardly be hindered by his friend's arguments and entreaties from -re-entering the presence-chamber, and defying Captain Oakum to his -teeth. He was, however appeased at length, and came down to the -berth, where, finding Thompson and me at work preparing medicines, -he bade us leave off our lapour to go to play, for the captain, by -his sole word, and power, and command, had driven sickness a pegging -to the tevil, and there was no more malady on board. So saying, he -drank off a gill of brandy sighed grievously three times, poured -fort an ejaculation of "Cot pless my heart, liver, and lungs!" and -then began to sing a Welsh song with great earnestness of visage, -voice, and gesture. I could not conceive the meaning of this -singular phenomenon, and saw by the looks of Thompson, who at the -same time shook his head, that he suspected poor Cadwallader's -brains were unsettled. He, perceiving our amazement, told us he -would explain the mystery; but at the same time bade us take notice, -that he had lived poy, patchelor, married man, and widower, almost -forty years, and in all that time there was no man, nor mother's -son in the whole world who durst use him so ill as Captain Oakum had -done. Then he acquainted us with the dialogue that passed between -them, as I have already related it: and had no sooner finished this -narration than he received a message from the surgeon, to bring -the sick-list to the quarter-deck, for the captain had ordered all -the patients thither to be reviewed. - -This inhuman order shocked us extremely, as we knew it would -be impossible to carry some of them on the deck, without imminent -danger of their lives: but, as we likewise knew it would be to -no purpose for us to remonstrate against it, we repaired to the -quarter-deck in a body, to see this extraordinary muster; Morgan -observing by the way, that the captain was going to send to the -other world a great many evidences to testify against himself. -When we appeared upon deck, the captain bade the doctor, who stood -bowing at his right hand, look at these lazy lubberly sons of -bitches, who were good for nothing on board but to eat the king's -provision, and encourage idleness in the skulkers. The surgeon -grinned approbation, and, taking the list, began to examine the -complaints of each as they could crawl to the place appointed. The -first who came under his cognizance was a poor fellow just freed -of a fever, which bad weakened him so much that he could hardly -stand. Mr. Mackshane (for that was the doctor's name), having -felt his pulse, protested he was as well as any man in the world; -and the captain delivered him over to the boatswain's mate, with -orders that be should receive a round dozen at the gangway immediately, -for counterfeiting himself sick; but, before the discipline could -be executed, the man dropped down on the deck, and had well nigh -perished under the hands of the executioner. The next patient to -be considered, laboured under a quartan ague, and, being then in -his interval of health, discovered no other symptoms of distemper -than a pale meagre countenance and emaciated body; upon which he -was declared fit for duty, and turned over to the boatswain; but, -being resolved to disgrace the doctor, died upon the forecastle -next day, during his cold fit. The third complained of a pleuritic -stitch, and spitting of blood, for which Doctor Mackshane prescribed -exercise at the pump to promote expectoration! but whether this was -improper for one in his situation, or that it was used to excess, -I know not, but in less than half-an-hour he was suffocated -with a deluge of blood that issued from his lungs. A fourth, with -much difficulty, climbed to the quarter-deck, being loaded with a -monstrous ascites, or dropsy, that invaded his chest so much, he -could scarce fetch his breath; but his disease being interpreted into -fat, occasioned by idleness and excess of eating, he was ordered, -with a view to promote perspiration and enlarge his chest, to -go aloft immediately. It was in vain for this unwieldy wretch to -allege his utter incapacity; the boatswain's driver was commanded -to whip him up with the cat-and-nine-tails; the smart of this -application made him exert himself so much, that he actually arrived -at the puttock shrouds; but when the enormous weight of his body -had nothing else to support than his weakened arms, either out of -spite or necessity, he quitted his hold, and plunged into the sea, -where he must have been drowned, had not a sailor, who was in a -boat alongside, saved his life, by keeping him afloat till he was -hoisted on board by a tackle. - -It would be tedious and disagreeable to describe the fate of every -miserable object that suffered by the inhumanity and ignorance -of the captain and surgeon, who so wantonly sacrificed the lives -of their fellow-creatures. Many were brought up in the height of -fevers, and rendered delirious by the injuries they received in the -way. Some gave up the ghost in the presence of their inspectors; -and others, who were ordered to their duties, languished a few -days at work among their fellows, and then departed without any -ceremony. On the whole, the number of the sick was reduced to less -than a dozen; and the authors of this reduction were applauding -themselves for the services they had done to their king and country, -when the boatswain's mate informed his honour, that there was a -man below lashed to his hammock, by direction of the doctor's mate, -and that he begged hard to be released; affirming, he had been so -maltreated only for a grudge Mr. Morgan bore him, and that he was -as much in his senses as any man aboard. The captain hearing this, -darted a severe look at the Welshman, and ordered the man to be -brought up immediately; upon which, Morgan protested with great -fervency, that the person in question was as mad as a March hare; -and begged for the love of Cot, they would at least keep his arms -pinioned during his examination, to prevent him from doing mischief. -This request the commander granted for his own sake, and the patient -was produced, who insisted upon his being in his right wits with -such calmness and strength of argument, that everybody present was -inclined to believe him, except Morgan, who affirmed there was no -trusting to appearances; for he himself had been so much imposed -upon by his behaviour two days before, that he had actually unbound -him with his own hands, and had well nigh been murdered for his -pains: this was confirmed by the evidence of one of the waiters, -who declared he had pulled this patient from the doctor's mate, -whom he had gotten down, and almost strangled. To this the man -answered, that the witness was a creature of Morgan's, and suborned -to give his testimony against him by the malice of the mate, whom -the defendant had affronted, by discovering to the people on board, -that Mr. Morgan's wife kept a gin-shop in Ragfair. This anecdote -produced a laugh at the expense of the Welshman, who, shaking his -head with some emotion, said, "Ay, ay, 'tis no matter. Cot knows, -it is an arrant falsehood." Captain Oakum, without any farther -hesitation, ordered the fellow to be unfettered; at the same time, -threatening to make Morgan exchange situations with him for his -spite; but the Briton no sooner heard the decision in favour of -the madman, than he got up to the mizen-shrouds, crying to Thompson -and me to get out of his reach, for we should see him play the devil -with a vengeance. We did not think fit to disregard his caution, -and accordingly got up on the poop, whence we beheld the maniac (as -soon as he was released) fly at the captain like a fury, crying, -"I'll let you know, you scoundrel, that I am commander of this -vessel," and pummel him without mercy. The surgeon, who went to -the assistance of his patron, shared the same fate; and it was with -the utmost difficulty that he was mastered at last, after having -done great execution among those who opposed him. - - - - - -CHAPTER XXVIII - - - - -The Captain enraged, threatens to put the Madman to death with his -own hand--is diverted from that resolution by the arguments and -persuasion of the first Lieutenant and Surgeon-we set sail for St. -Helen's, join the fleet under the command of Sir C-- O--gle, and -proceed for the West Indies--are overtaken by a terrible tempest--my -friend Jack Rattlin has his leg broke by a fall from the mainyard--the -behaviour of Mr. Mackshane-Jack opposes the amputation of his limb, -in which he is seconded by Morgan and me, we undertake the cure -and perform it successfully - - -The captain was carried into his cabin, so enraged with the treatment -he had received, that he ordered the fellow to be brought before -him, that he might have the pleasure of pistoling him with his -own hand; and would certainly have satisfied his revenge in this -manner, had not the first lieutenant remonstrated against it, by -observing that, in all appearances, the fellow was not mad, but -desperate; that he had been hired by some enemy of the captain's -to him, and therefore ought to be kept in irons till he could be -brought to a court-martial, which, no doubt, would sift the affair to -the bottom (by which means important discoveries might be made), -and then sentence the criminal to a death according to his demerits. -This suggestion, improbable as it was, had the desired effect -upon the captain, being exactly calculated for the meridan of his -intellects; more especially as Dr. Mackshane espoused this opinion, -in consequence of his previous declaration that the man was not -mad. Morgan finding there was no more damage done, could not help -discovering by his countenance the pleasure he enjoyed on this -occasion; and, while he bathed the doctor's face with an embrocation, -ventured to ask him, whether he thought there were more fools or -madmen on board? But he would have been wiser in containing this -sally, which his patient carefully laid up in his memory, to be -taken notice of at a more fit season. Meanwhile we weighed anchor, -and, on our way to the Downs, the madman, who was treated as -a prisoner, took an opportunity, while the sentinel attending him -was at the head, to leap and frustrate the revenge of the captain. -We stayed not long at the Downs, but took the benefit of the first -easterly wind to go round to Spithead: where, having received -provisions on board for six months, we sailed from St. Helen's in -the grand fleet bound for the West Indies, on the ever-memorable -expedition of Carthagena. - -It was not without great mortification I saw myself on the point of -being transported to such a distant and unhealthy climate, destitute -of every convenience that could render such a voyage supportable, -and under the dominion of an arbitrary tyrant, whose command was -almost intolerable; however, as these complaints were common to -a great many on board, I resolved to submit patiently to my fate, -and contrive to make myself as easy as the nature of the case would -allow. We got out of the channel with a prosperous breeze, which -died away, leaving us becalmed about fifty leagues to the westward -of the Lizard: but this state of inaction did not last long; for -next night our maintop-sail was split by the wind, which, in the -morning, increased to a hurricane. I was awakened by a most horrible -din, occasioned by the play of the gun carriages upon the decks -above, the cracking of cabins, the howling of the wind through -the shrouds, the confused noise of the ship's crew, the pipes of -the boatswain and his mates, the trumpets of the lieutenants, and -the clanking of the chain pumps. Morgan who had never been at sea -before, turned out in a great hurry, crying, "Cot have mercy and -compassion upon us! I believe, we have cot upon the confines of -Lucifer and the d--n'd!" while poor Thompson lay quaking in his -hammock, putting up petitions to heaven for our safety. I rose and -joined the Welshman, with whom (after having fortified ourselves -with brandy) I went above; but if my sense of hearing was startled -before, how must my sight have been apalled in beholding the effects -of the storm! The sea was swelled into billows mountain-high, on -the top of which our ship sometimes hung as if it were about to be -precipitated to the abyss below! Sometimes we sank between two -waves that rose on each side higher than our topmast-head, and -threatened by dashing together to overwhelm us in a moment! Of all -our fleet, consisting of a hundred and fifty sail, scarce twelve -appeared, and these driving under their bare poles, at the mercy -of the tempest. At length the mast of one of them gave way, and -tumbled overboard with a hideous crash! Nor was the prospect in -our own ship much more agreeable; a number of officers and sailors -ran backward and forward with distraction in their looks, halloaing -to one another, and undetermined what they should attend to first. -Some clung to the yards, endeavouring to unbend the sails that were -split into a thousand pieces flapping in the wind; others tried to -furl those which were yet whole, while the masts, at every pitch, -bent and quivered like twigs, as if they would have shivered into -innumerable splinters! While I considered this scene with equal -terror and astonishment, one of the main braces broke, by the shock -whereof two sailors were flung from the yard's arm into the sea, -where they perished, and poor Jack Rattlin thrown down upon the -deck, at the expense of a broken leg. Morgan and I ran immediately -to his assistance, and found a splinter of the shin-bone thrust by -the violence of the fall through the skin; as this was a case of -too great consequence to be treated without the authority of the -doctor I went down to his cabin to inform him of the accident, as -well as to bring up dressings which we always kept ready prepared. -I entered his apartment without any ceremony, and, by the glimmering -of a lamp, perceived him on his knees before something that very -much resembled a crucifix; but this I will not insist upon, that I -may not seem too much a slave to common report, which indeed assisted -my conjecture on this occasion, by representing Dr. Mackshane as -a member of the church of Rome. Be this as it will, he got up in -a sort of confusion, occasioned (I suppose) by his being disturbed -in his devotion, and in a trice snatched the subject of my suspicion -from my sight. - -After making an apology for my intrusion, I acquainted him with -the situation of Rattlin, but could by no means prevail upon him -to visit him on deck, where he lay; he bade me desire the boatswain -to order some of the men to carry him down to the cockpit, "and in -the meantime," said he, "I will direct Thompson to get ready the -dressings." When I signified to the boatswain the doctor's desire, -he swore a terrible oath, that he could not spare one man from deck, -because he expected the mast would go by the board every minute. -This piece of information did not at all contribute to my peace -of mind; however, as my friend Rattlin complained very much, with -the assistance of Morgan I supported him to the lower deck, whither -Mr. Mackshane, after much entreaty, ventured to come, attended by -Thompson, with a box full of dressings, and his own servant, who -carried a whole set of capital instruments. He examined the fracture -and the wound, and concluding, from a livid colour extending itself -upon the limb, that mortification would ensue, resolved to amputate -the leg immediately. This was a dreadful sentence to the patient, -who, recruiting himself with a quid of tobacco, pronounced with -a woful countenance, "What! is there no remedy, doctor! must I be -dock'd? can't you splice it?" "Assuredly, Doctor Mackshane," said -the first mate, "with submission, and deference, and veneration, -to your superior apilities, and opportunities, and stations, look -you, I do apprehend, and conjure, and aver, that there is no occasion -nor necessity to smite off this poor man's leg." "God Almighty -bless you, dear Welshman!" cried Rattlin, "may you have fair wind -and weather wheresoever you're bound, and come to an anchor in -the road of heaven at last!" Mackshane, very much incensed at his -mate's differing in opinion from him, so openly, answered, that he -was not bound to give an account of his practice to him; and in a -peremptory tone, ordered him to apply the tourniquet. At the sight -of which, Jack, starting up, cried, "Avast, avast! D--n my heart, -if you clap your nippers on me, till I know wherefore! Mr. Random, -won't you lend a hand towards saving my precious limb! Odd's heart, -if Lieutenant Bowling was here, he would not suffer Jack Rattlin's -leg to be chopped off like a piece of old junk." - -This pathetic address to me, joined to my inclination to serve my -honest friend, and the reasons I had to believe there was no danger -in delaying the amputation, induced me to declare myself of the -first mate's opinion, and affirm that the preternatural colour of -the skin was owing to an inflammation, occasioned by a contusion, -and common in all such cases, without any indication of an approaching -gangrene. Morgan, who had a great opinion of my skill, manifestly -exulted in my fellowship, and asked Thompson's sentiments in the -matter, in hopes of strengthening our association with him too; -but he, being of a meek disposition, and either dreading the enmity -of the surgeon, or speaking the dictates of his own judgment, in a -modest manner espoused the opinion of Mackshane, who by this time -having consulted with himself, determined to act in such a manner -as to screen himself from censure, and at the same time revenge -himself on us, for our arrogance in contradicting him. With this -view, he asked if we would undertake to cure the leg at our peril: -that is, be answerable for the consequence. To this question, Morgan -replied, that the lives of his creatures are at the hands of Cot -alone; and it would be great presumption in him to undertake for an -event that was in the power of his Maker, no more than the doctor -could promise to cure all the sick to whom he administered his -assistance; but if the patient would put himself under our direction, -we would do our endeavour to bring his distemper to a favourable -issue, to which at present we saw no obstruction. - -I signified my concurrence; and Rattlin was so overjoyed that, -shaking us both by the hands, he swore nobody else should touch -him, and, if he died, his blood should be upon his own head. Mr. -Mackshane, flattering himself with the prospect of our miscarriage, -went away, and left us to manage it as we should think proper; -accordingly, having sawed off part of the splinter that stuck -through the skin, we reduced the fracture, dressed the wound, applied -the eighteen-tailed bandage, and put the leg in a box, secundam -artem. Everything succeeded according to our wish, and we had the -satisfaction of not only preserving the poor fellow's leg, but -likewise of rendering the doctor contemptible among the ship's -company, who had all their eyes on us during the course of this -cure, which was completed in six weeks. - - - - - -CHAPTER XXIX - - - - -Mackshane's malice--I am taken up and imprisoned for a spy--Morgan -meets with the same fate--Thompson is tampered with to turn -evidence against us--disdains the proposal, and is maltreated for -his integrity--Morgan is released to assist the Surgeon during an -engagement with some French ships-of-war--I remain fettered on the -poop, exposed to the enemy's shot, and grow delirious with fear--am -comforted after the battle by Morgan, who speaks freely of the -captain, is overheard by the sentinel, who informs against him, and -again imprisoned--Thompson grows desperate, and, notwithstanding -the remonstrances of Morgan and me, goes overboard in the night - - -In the meantime the storm subsided into a brisk gale, that carried -us into the warm latitudes, where the weather became intolerable, -and the crew very sickly. The doctor left nothing unattempted -towards the completion of his vengeance against the Welshman and -me. He went among the sick under pretence of inquiring into their -grievances, with a view of picking up complaints to our prejudice; -but, finding himself frustrated in that expectation by the goodwill -we bad procured from the patients by our diligence and humanity, -he took the resolution of listening to our conversation, by hiding -himself behind the canvas that surrounded our berth; here too he -was detected by the boy of our mess, who acquainted us with this -piece of behaviour, and one night, while we were picking a large -bone of salt beef, Morgan discerned something stir on the outside -of our hangings, which immediately interpreting to be the doctor, -he tipped me the wink, and pointed to the place, where I could -perceive somebody standing; upon which, I snatched up the bone, -and levelled it with all my force at him, saying, "Whoever you are, -take that for your curiosity." It had the desired effect, for we -heard the listener tumble down, and afterwards crawl to his own -cabin. I applauded myself much for this feat, which turned out -one of the most unlucky exploits of my life, Mackshane, from that -time, marking me out for destruction. - -About a week after this exploit, as I was going my rounds among -the sick, I was taken prisoner, and carried to the poop by the -master-at-arms, where I was loaded with irons, and stapled to the -deck, on pretence that I was a spy on board, and had conspired -against the captain's life. How ridiculous soever this imputation -was, I did not fail to suffer by it all the rigour that could be -shown to the worst of criminals, being exposed in this miserable -condition to the scorching heat of the sun by day, and the unwholesome -damps by night, during the space of twelve days, in which I was -neither brought to trial, nor examined touching the probability -of the charge. I had no sooner recovered the use of my reflection, -which had been quite overthrown by this accident, than I sent for -Thompson, who, after condoling me on the occasion, hinted, that -I owed this misfortune to the hatred of the doctor, who had given -an information against me to the captain, in consequence of which -I was arrested, and all my papers seized. While I was cursing -my capricious fate, I saw Morgan ascend the poop, guarded by two -corporals, who made him sit down by me, that he might be pinioned -in the same machine. Notwithstanding my situation, I could scarce -refrain from laughing at the countenance of my fellow prisoner, who, -without speaking one word, allowed his feet to be inclosed in the -rings provided for that purpose; but, when they pretended to fasten -him on his back he grew outrageous, and drawing a large couteau -from his side-pocket, threatened to rip up the belly of the first -man that should approach him, in order to treat him in such an -unworthy manner. They were prepared to use him very roughly, when -the lieutenant on the quarter-deck called up to them to let him -remain as he was. He then crept towards me, and, taking me by the -hand, bade me "put my trust in Cot." And looking at Thompson, who -sat by us trembling, with a pale visage; told him there were two -more rings for his feet, and he should be glad to find him in such -good company. But it was not the intention of our adversary to -include the second mate in our fate: him he expected to be his drudge -in attending the sick and, if possible, his evidence against us: -with this view he sounded him afar off, but, finding his integrity -incorruptible, harrassed him so much out of spite, that in a short -time this mild creature grew weary of his life. - -While I and my fellow prisoner comforted each other in our -tribulation, the admiral discovered four sail to leeward and made -signal for our ship and four more to chase: hereupon everything -was cleared for an engagement, and Mackshane, foreseeing he should -have occasion for more assistants than one obtained Morgan's -liberty, while I was let in this deplorable posture to the chance -of battle. It was almost dark when we came up with the sternmost -chase, which we hailed, and inquired who they were. They gave us to -understand they were French men-of-war, upon which Captain Oakum -commanded them to send their boat on board of him! but they refused, -telling him, if he had any business with them, to come on board of -their ship: he then threatened to pour in a broadside upon them, -which they promised to retain. Both sides were as good as their -word, and the engagement began with great fury. The reader may guess -how I passed my time, lying in this helpless situation, amidst the -terrors of a sea-fight; expecting every moment to be cut asunder, -or dashed in pieces by the enemy's shot! I endeavoured to compose -myself as much as possible, by reflecting that I was not a whit -more exposed than those who were stationed about me; but, when I -beheld them employed without intermission in annoying the foe, and -encouraged by the society and behaviour of one another, I could -easily perceive a wide difference between their condition and -mine: however, I concealed my agitation as well as I could till the -head of the officer of marines who stood near me, being shot off, -bounced from the deck athwart my face, leaving me well nigh blinded -with brains. I could contain myself no longer, but began to bellow -with all the strength of my lungs; when a drummer, coming towards -me asked if I was wounded, and, before I could answer, received -a great shot in his belly, which tore out his entrails, and he -fell flat on my breast. This accident entirely bereft me of all -discretion; I redoubled my cries, which were drowned in the noise -of the battle; and, finding myself disregarded, lost all patience, -and. became frantic. I vented my rage in oaths and execrations, till -my spirits, being quite exhausted, I remained quiet, as insensible -of the load that oppressed me. - -The engagement lasted till broad day, when Captain Oakum, finding -he was like to gain neither honour nor advantage by the affair, -pretended to be undeceived by seeing their colours; and, hailing -the ship whom he had fought all night, protested he believed them -Spaniards; and the guns being silenced on each side, ordered the -barge to be hoisted out, and went on board the French commodore. -Our loss amounted to ten killed, and eighteen wounded, most part -of whom afterwards died. My fellow-mates bad no sooner despatched -their business in the cock-pit, than, full of friendly concern, -they came to visit me. Morgan, ascending first, and seeing my face -almost covered with brains and blood, concluded I was no longer a -man for this world; and, calling to Thompson with great emotion, -bade him come up, and take his last farewell of his comrade and -countryman, who was posted to a better place, where there were no -Mackshanes nor Oakums to asperse and torment him. "No," said he, -taking me by the hand, "you are going to a country where there is -more respect sown to unfortunate shentlemen, and where you will -have the satisfaction of peholding your adversaries tossing upon -pillows of purning primstone." Thompson, alarmed at this apostrophe, -made haste to the place where I lay, and sitting down by me, with -tears in his eyes inquired into the nature of my calamity. By this -time I had recollected myself so far as to be able to converse -rationally with my friends, whom, to their great satisfaction, -I immediately undeceived with regard to their apprehension of my -being mortally wounded. - -After I had got myself disengaged from the carnage in which I -wallowed, and partaken of a refreshment which my friends brought -along with them, we entered into discourse upon the hardships we -sustained, and spoke very freely of the author of our misery; but -our discourse being overheard by the sentinel who guarded me, he was -no sooner relieved than he reported to the captain every syllable -of our conversation, according to the orders he had received. The -effect of this information soon appeared in the arrival of the -master-at-arms, who replaced Morgan in his former station, and gave -the second mate a caution to keep a strict guard over his tongue, -if he did not choose to accompany us in our confinement. Thompson, -foreseeing that the whole slavery of attending the sick and -wounded, as well as the cruelty of Mackshane, must now fall upon -his shoulders, grew desperate at the prospect, and, though I never -heard him swear before, imprecated dreadful curses on the heads of -his oppressors, declaring that he would rather quit life altogether -than be much longer under the power of such barbarians. I was not -a little startled at his vivacity, and endeavoured to alleviate -his complaints, by representing the subject of my own, with as much -aggravation as it would bear, by which comparison he might see the -balance of misfortune lay on my side, and take an example from me -of fortitude and submission, till such time as we could procure -redress, which I hoped was not far off, considering that we should -probably be in a harbour in less than three days, where we should -have an opportunity of preferring our complaints to the admiral. -The Welshman joined in my remonstrance, and was at great pains -to demonstrate that it was every man's duty as well as interest -to resign himself to the divine will, and look upon himself as n -sentinel upon duty, who is by no means at liberty to leave his post -before he is relieved. Thompson listened attentively to what he -said, and at last, shedding a flood of tears, shook his hand, and -left us without making any reply. About eleven at night he came to -see us again with a settled gloom on his countenance, and gave us -to understand that he had undergone excessive toil since he saw -us, and in recompense had been grossly abused by the doctor, who -taxed him with being confederate with us, in a design of taking away -his life and that of the captain. After some time spent in mutual -exhortation, he got up, and squeezing me by the hand with uncommon -fervour, cried, "God bless you both!" and left us to wonder at his -singular manner of parting with us, which did not fail to make a -deep impression on us both. - -Next morning, when the hour of visitation came round, the unhappy -young man was missing, and, after strict search, supposed to have -gone overboard in the night; and this was certainly the case. - - - - - -CHAPTER XXX - - - - -We lament the fate of our companion--the Captain offers Morgan -his liberty, which he refuses to accept--we are brought before him -and examined--Morgan is sent back into custody, whither also I am -remanded after a curious trial - - -The news of this event affected my fellow prisoner and me extremely, -as our unfortunate companion had justly acquired by his amiable -disposition the love and esteem of us both; and the more we regretted -his untimely fate, the greater horror we conceived for the villain -who was undoubtedly the occasion of it. This abandoned miscreant -did not discover the least symptom of concern for Thompson's death, -although he must have been conscious to himself of having driven -him by ill usage to the fatal resolution, but desired the captain -to set Morgan at liberty again to look after the patients. Accordingly -one of the corporals was sent up to unfetter him, but he protested -he would not be released until he should know for what he was -confined; nor would he be a tennisball, nor a shuttlecock, nor a -trudge, nor a scullion, to any captain under the sun. Oakum, finding -him obstinate, and fearing it would not be in his power to exercise -his tyranny much longer with impunity, was willing to show some -appearance of justice and therefore ordered us both to be brought -before him on the quarter-deck, where he sat in state, with his -cleric on one side, and his counsellor Mackshane on the other. When -we approached, he honoured us with this salutation: "So, gentlemen, -d--n my blood! many a captain in the navy would have ordered you -both to be tucked up to the yard's arm, without either judge or -jury, for the crimes you have been guilty of; but, d--n my blood, -I have too much good nature in allowing such dogs as you to make -defence." "Captain Oakum," said my fellow-sufferer, "certainly it -is in your power (Cot help the while) to tack us all up at your -will, desire, and pleasures. And perhaps it would be petter for -some of us to be tucked up than to undergo the miseries to which -we have been exposed. So may the farmer hang his kids for his -diversion, and amusement, and mirth; but there is such a thing as -justice, if not upon earth, surely in heaven, that will punish with -fire and primstone all those who take away the lives of innocent -people out of wantonness, and parparity (look you). In the mean -time. I shall be glad to know the crimes laid to my charge, and -see the person who accuses me." "That you shall," said the captain; -"here, doctor, what have you to say?" Mackshane, stepping forward, -hemmed a good while, in order to clear his throat, and, before -he began, Morgan accosted him thus: "Doctor Mackshane, look in my -face--look in the face of an honest man, who abhors a false witness -as he abhors the tevil, and Cot be judge between you and me." The -doctor, not minding this conjuration, made the following speech. -as near as I can remember: "I'll tell you what, Mr. Morgan; to be -sure what you say is just, in regard to an honest man, and if so -be it appears as how you are an honest man, then it is my opinion -that you deserve to be acquitted, in relation to that there affair, -for I tell you what, Captain Oakum is resolved for to do everybody -justice. As for my own part, all that I have to allege is, that -I have been informed you have spoken disrespectful words against -your captain, who, to be sure, is the most honourable and generous -commander in the king's service, without asparagement or acception -of man, woman, or child." - -Having uttered this elegant harangue, on which he seemed to plume -himself, Morgan replied, "I do partly guess, and conceive, and -understand your meaning, which I wish could be more explicit; but, -however, I do suppose, I am not to be condemned upon bare hearsay; -or, if I am convicted of speaking disrespectfully of Captain Oakum, -I hope there is no treason in my words." "But there's mutiny, by -G--d, and that's death by the articles of war!" cried Oakum: "In -the meantime, let the witnesses be called." Hereupon Mackshane's -servant appeared, and the boy of our mess, whom they had seduced -and tutored for the purpose. The first declared, that Morgan as -he descended the cockpit-ladder one day, cursed the captain, and -called him a savage beast, saying, he ought to be hunted down as an -enemy to mankind. "This," said the clerk, "is a strong presumption -of a design, formed against the captain's life. For why? It presupposes -malice aforethought, and a criminal intention a priori." "Right," -said the captain to this miserable grub, who had been an attorney's -boy, "you shall have law enough: here's Cook and Littlejohn to it." -This evidence was confirmed by the boy, who affirmed, he heard the -first mate say, that the captain had no more bowels than a bear, -and the surgeon had no more brain than an ass. Then the sentinel, -who heard our discourse on the poop was examined, and informed -the court that the Welshman assured me, Captain Oakum and Doctor -Mackshane would toss upon billows of burning brimstone in bell -for their barbarity. The clerk observed, that there was an evident -prejudication, which confirmed the former suspicion of a conspiracy -against the life of Captain Oakum; for, because, how could Morgan -so positively pronounce that the captain and surgeon would d--n'd, -unless he had intention to make away with them before they could -have time to repent? This sage explanation had great weight with -our noble commander, who exclaimed, "What have you to say to this, -Taffy? yon seem to be taken all a-back, brother, ha!" Morgan was -too much of a gentleman to disown the text, although he absolutely -denied the truth of the comment. Upon which the captain, strutting -up to him with a ferocious countenance, said, "So Mr. son of a bitch, -you confess you honoured me with the names of bear and beast, and -pronounced my damnation? D--n my heart! I have a good mind to have -you brought to a court-martial and hang'd, you dog." Here Mackshane, -having occasion for an assistant, interposed, and begged the captain -to pardon Mr. Morgan with his wonted goodness, upon condition -that he the delinquent should make such submission as the nature -of his misdemeanour demanded. Upon which the Cambro-Briton, who -on this occasion would have made no submission to the Great Mogul, -surrounded with his guards, thanked the doctor for his mediation, -and acknowledged himself in the wrong for calling the image of Cot -a peast. "but," said he, "I spoke by metaphor, and parable, and -comparison, and types; as we signify meekness by a lamb, lechery by -a goat, and craftiness by a fox; so we liken ignorance to an ass, -and brutality to a bear, and fury to a tiger; therefore I made use -of these similes to express my sentiments (look you), and what I -said before Cot, I will not unsay before man nor peast neither." - -Oakum was so provoked at this insolence (as he termed it,) that he -ordered him forthwith to be carried to the place of his confinement, -and his clerk to proceed on the examination of me. The first question -put to me was touching the place of my nativity, which I declared -to be the north of Scotland. "The north of Ireland more like!" -cried the captain; "but we shall bring you up presently." He then -asked what religion I professed; and when I answered "the Protestant," -swore I was an arrant Roman as ever went to mass. "Come, come, -clerk," continued he, "catechise him a little on this subject." But -before I relate the particulars of the clerk's inquiries, it will -not be amiss to inform the reader that our commander himself was -an Hibernian, and, if not shrewdly belied, a Roman Catholic to -boot. "You say, you are a Protestant," said the clerk; "make the -sign of the cross with your finger, so, and swear upon it to that -affirmation." When I was about to perform the ceremony, the captain -cried with some emotion, "No, no, d--me! I'll have no profanation -neither. But go on with your interrogations." "Well then," proceeded -my examiner, "how many sacraments are there?" To which I replied, -"Two." "What are they?" said he. I answered, "Baptism and the -Lord's Supper." "And so you would explode confirmation and marriage -altogether?" said Oakum. "I thought this fellow was a rank Roman." -The clerk, though he was bred under an attorney, could not refrain -from blushing at this blunder, which he endeavoured to conceal, -by observing, that these decoys would not do with me, who seemed -to be an old offender. He went on with asking, if I believed in -transubstantiation; but I treated the notion of real presence with -such disrespect, that his patron was scandalised at my impiety, -and commanded him to proceed to the plot. Whereupon this miserable -pettifogger told me, there was great reason to suspect me of being -a spy on board, and that I had entered into a conspiracy with -Thompson, and others not yet detected, against the life of Captain -Oakum, which accusation they pretended to support by the evidence -of our boy, who declared he had often heard the deceased Thompson -and me whispering together, and could distinguish the words, "Oakum, -rascal, poison, pistol;" by which expressions it appeared, we did -intend to use sinister means to accomplish his destruction. That -the death of Thompson seemed to confirm this conjecture, who, either -feeling the stings of remorse for being engaged in such a horrid -confederacy, or fearing a discovery, by which he must have infallibly -suffered an ignominious death, had put a fatal period to his own -existence. But what established the truth of the whole was, a book -in cyphers found among my papers, which exactly tallied with one -found in his chest, after his disappearance. This, he observed, -was a presumption very near positive proof, and would determine -any jury in Christendom to find me guilty. In my own defence, I -alleged, that I had been dragged on board at first very much against -my inclination, as I could prove by the evidence of some people now -in the ship, consequently could have no design of becoming spy at -that time; and ever since had been entirely out of the reach of any -correspondence that could justly entail that suspicion upon me. As -for conspiring against my captain's life, it could not be supposed -that any man in his right wits would harbour the least thought of -such an undertaking, which he could not possibly perform without -certain infamy and ruin to himself, even if he had all the inclination -in the world. That, allowing the boy's evidence to be true (which -I affirmed was false and malicious), nothing conclusive could be -gathered from a few incoherent words; neither was the fate of Mr. -Thompson a circumstance more favourable for the charge; for I had -in my pocket a letter which too well explained that mystery, in -a very different manner from that which was supposed. With these -words, I produced the following letter, which Jack Rattlin brought -to me the very day after Thompson disappeared; and told me it was -committed to his care by the deceased, who made him promise not to -deliver it sooner. The clerk, taking it out of my hand, read aloud -the contents, which were these; - - 'Dear Friend,--I am so much oppressed with the fatigue - I daily and nightly undergo, and the barbarous usage - of Doctor Mackshane, who is bent on your destruction - as well as mine, that I am resolved to free myself from - this miserable life, and, before you receive this, shall - be no more. I could have wished to die in your good - opinion, which I am afraid I shall forfeit by the last - act of my life; but, if you cannot acquit me, I know you - will at least preserve some regard for the memory of an - unfortunate young man who loved you. I recommend it to - you, to beware of Mackshane, whose revenge is implacable. - I wish all prosperity to you and Mr. Morgan, to whom - pray offer my last respects, and beg to be remembered - as your unhappy friend and countryman, - 'William Thompson.' - -This letter was no sooner read, than Mackshane, in a transport -of rage, snatched it out of the clerk's hands, and tore it into -a thousand pieces, saying, it was a villainous forgery, contrived -and executed by myself. The captain and clerk declared themselves -of the same opinion, although I insisted of having the remains -of it compared with other writings of Thompson, which they had in -their possession; and I was ordered to answer the last article of -my accusation, namely, the book of ciphers found among my papers. -"That is easily done," said I. "What you are pleased to all ciphers, -are no other than the Greek characters, in which, for my amusement, -I keep a diary of everything remarkable that has occurred to -my observation since the beginning of the voyage, till the day in -which I was put in irons; and the same method was practised by Mr. -Thompson, who copied mine." "A very likely story," cried Mackshane; -"what occasion was there for using Greek characters, if you were -not afraid of discovering what you had wrote? But what d'ye talk -of Greek characters? D'ye think I am so ignorant of the Greek -language, as not to distinguish its letters from these, which are -no more Greek than Chinese? No, no, I will not give up my knowledge -of the Greek for you, nor none that ever came from your country." -So saying, with an unparalleled effrontery, he repeated some -gibberish, which by the sound seemed to be Irish, and made it pass -for Greek with the captain, who, looking at me with a contemptuous -sneer, exclaimed, "Ah, ah! have you caught a tartar?" I could not -help smiling at the consummate assurance of this Hibernian, and -offered to refer the dispute to anybody on board who understood -the Greek alphabet. Upon which Morgan was brought back, and, being -made acquainted with the affair, took the book, and read a whole -page in English, without hesitation, deciding the controversy -in my favour. The doctor was so far from being out of countenance -at this detection, that he affirmed Morgan was in the secret, and -repeated from his own invention. Oakum said, "Ay, ay, I see they -are both in a story;" and dismissed my fellow-mate to his cockloft, -although I proposed that he and I should read and translate, separately, -any chapter or verse in the Greek Testament in his possession, by -which it would appear whether we or the surgeon spoke truth. Not -being endued with eloquence enough to convince the captain that there -could be no juggle nor confederacy in this expedient, I begged to -be examined by some unconcerned person on board, who understood -Greek. Accordingly, the whole ship's company, officers and all, -were called upon deck, among whom it was proclaimed that, if anyone -of them could speak Greek, he or they so qualified should ascend -the quarter-deck immediately. After some pause, two foremast men -came up, and professed their skill in that language, which, they -said, they acquired during several voyages to the Levant, among the -Greeks of the Morea. The captain exulted much in this declaration, -and put my journal book into the hands of one of them, who candidly -owned he could neither read nor write; the other acknowledged the -same degree of ignorance, but pretended to speak the Greek lingo -with any man on board; and, addressing himself to me, pronounced -some sentences of a barbarous corrupted language, which I did not -understand. I asserted that the modern Greek was as different from -that spoken and written by the ancients, as the English used now -from the old Saxon spoke in the time of Hengist: and, as I had -only learned the true original tongue, in which Homer, Pindar, the -Evangelists, and other great men of antiquity wrote, it could not -be supposed that I should know anything of an imperfect Gothic -dialect that rose on the ruins of the former, and scarce retained -any traces of the old expression: but, if Doctor Mackshane, who -pretended to be master of the Greek language, could maintain a -conversation with these seamen, I would retract what I had said, -and be content to suffer any punishment be should think proper -to inflict. I had no sooner uttered these words than the surgeon, -knowing one of the fellows to be his countryman, accosted him in -Irish, and was answered in the same brogue; then a dialogue ensued -between them, which they affirmed to be in Greek, after having secured -the secrecy of the other tar, who had his cue in the language of -the Morea, from his companion, before they would venture to assert -such an intrepid falsehood. "I thought," said Oakum, "we should -discover the imposture at last. Let the rascal be carried back to -his confinement. I find he must dangle." Having nothing further -to urge in my own behalf, before a court so prejudiced with spite, -and fortified with ignorance against truth, I suffered myself to -be reconducted peaceably to my fellow-prisoner, who, hearing the -particulars of my trial, lifted up his hands and eyes to Heaven, -and uttered a dreadful groan: and, not daring to disburden his -thoughts to me by speech, lest he might be overheard by the sentinel, -burst forth into a Welsh song, which he accompanied with a thousand -contortions of face and violent gestures of body. - - - - - -CHAPTER XXXI - - - - -I discover a subornation against me, by means of a quarrel between two -of the evidences; in consequence of which I am set at liberty, and -prevail upon Morgan to accept of his freedom on the same terms--Mackshane's -malice--we arrive at Jamaica, from whence in a short time we beat -up to Hispaniola, in conjunction with the West India squadron--we -take in water, sail again, and arrive at Carthagena--Reflections -on our conduct there - - -Meanwhile, a quarrel happening between the two modern Greeks, the -one, to be revenged of the other, came and discovered to us the -mystery of Mackshane's dialogue, as I have explained it above. This -detection coming to the ears of the doctor, who was sensible that -(now we were in sight of Jamaica) we should have an opportunity of -clearing ourselves before a court-martial, and, at the same time, -of making his malice and ignorance conspicuous, he interceded for -us with the captain so effectually, that in a few hours we were set -at liberty, and ordered to return to our duty. This was a happy -event for me, my whole body being blistered by the sun, and my -limbs benumbed by want of motion: but I could scarce persuade the -Welshman to accept of this indulgence, he persisted in his obstinacy -to remain in irons, until he should be discharged by a court-martial, -which, he believed. would also do him justice on his enemies. At -length I represented to him the precarious issue of a trial, the -power and interest of his adversaries, and flattered his revenge -with the hope of wreaking his resentment with his own hands upon -Mackshane after our return to England. This last argument had more -weight with him than all the rest, and prevailed upon him to repair -with me to the cockpit, which I no sooner entered, than the idea of -my departed friend presented itself to my remembrance, and filled -my eyes with tears. We discharged from our mess the boy who had -acted so perfidiously, notwithstanding his tears, intreaties, and -of penitence for what he had done; but not before he had confessed -that the surgeon had bribed him to give evidence against us, with -a pair of stockings and a couple of old check shirts, of which his -servant had since plundered him. - -The keys of our chests and lockers being sent to us by the doctor, -we detained the messenger until we had examined the contents; and my -fellow-mate, finding all his Cheshire cheese consumed to a crust, -his brandy exhausted, and his onions gone, was seized with a fit -of choler, which he discharged on Mackshane's man in oaths and -execrations, threatening to prosecute him as a thief. The fellow -swore in his turn, that he never had the keys in his possession -till that time, when he received them from his master with orders -to deliver them to us. "As Cot is my judge," cried Morgan, "and my -salfation, and my witness; whosoever has pilfered my provisions is -a lousy, peggarly, rascally knave! and by the soul of my grandsire, -I will impeach, and accuse, and indict him, of a roppery, if I did -but know who he is." Had this misfortune happened at see, where we -could not repair the loss, in all probability this descendant of -Caractacus would have lost his wits entirely; but, when I observed -how easy it would be to remedy this paltry mischance, he became -more calm, and reconciled himself to the occasion. - -A little while after this transport the surgeon came into the birth, -under pretence of taking something out of the medicine chest, and, -with a smiling aspect, wished us joy of our deliverance, which, -he said, he had been at great pains to obtain of the captain, who -was very justly incensed at our behaviour; but he, the doctor, -had passed his word for our future conduct, and he hoped we should -give him no cause to repent of his kindness. He expected, no doubt, -an acknowledgment from us for this pretended piece of service, as -well as a general amnesty of what was past; but he had to do with -people who were not quite so apt to forgive injuries as he imagined, -or to forget that, if our deliverance was owing to his mediation, -our calamity was occasioned by his malice; I therefore sat silent, -while my companion answered, "Ay, ay, 'tis no matter, Cot knows -the heart; there is a time for all things, as the wise man saith; -there is a time for throwing away stones, and to gather them up." -He seemed to be disconcerted at this reply, and went away in a pet, -muttering something about "Ingratitude," and "Fellows," of which -we did not think fit to take any notice. - -Our fleet, having joined another that waited for us, lay at anchor -about a month in the harbour of Port Royal in Jamaica, during -which time something of consequence was certainly transacted; -notwithstanding the insinuations of some, who affirmed we had no -business at all in that place; that, in order to take the advantage -of the season proper for our enterprise, the West India squadron, -which had previous notice of our coming, ought to have joined us at -the west end of Hispaniola, with necessary stores and refreshments, -from whence we could have sailed directly for Carthagena, before -the enemy could put themselves in a good posture of defence, or, -indeed, have an inkling of our design. Be this as it will, we sailed -from Jamaica, and, in ten days or a fortnight, beat up against the -wind as far as the Isle of Vache, with an intention, as was said, -to attack the French fleet, then supposed to be lying near that -place; but before we arrived, they had sailed for Europe, having -first dispatched an advice-boat to Carthagena, with an account of -our being in those seas, as also of our strength and destination. -We loitered here some days longer, taking in wood and brackish -water, in the use whereof, however, our admiral seemed to consult -the health of the men, by restricting each to a quart a day. - -At length we set sail, and arrived in a bay to the windward of -Carthagena, where we came to an anchor, and lay at our ease ten -days longer. Here, again, certain malicious people took occasion to -blame the conduct of their superiors, by saying, that in so doing -they not only unprofitably wasted time, which was very precious, -considering the approach of the rainy season, but also allowed the -Spaniards to recollect themselves from a terror occasioned by the -approach of an English fleet, at least three times as numerous -as ever appeared in that part of the world before. But if I might -be allowed to give my opinion of the matter, I would ascribe this -delay to the generosity of our chiefs, who scorned to take any -advantage that fortune might give them even over an enemy. At last, -however, we weighed, and anchored again somewhat nearer the harbour's -mouth, where we made shift to land our marines, who encamped on -the beach, in despite of the enemy's shot, which knocked a good -many of them on the head. This piece of conduct, in choosing a -camp under the walls of an enemy's fortification, which I believe -never happened before, was practised, I presume, with a view of -accustoming the soldiers to stand fire, who were not as yet much used -to discipline, most of them having been taken from the plough-tail -a few months before. This expedient, again, has furnished matter -for censure against the ministry, for sending a few raw recruits -on such an important enterprise, while so many veteran regiments -lay inactive at home. But surely our governors had their reasons -for so doing, which possibly may be disclosed with other secrets -of the deep. Perhaps they were loth to risk their best troops on -such desperate service, or the colonel and the field officers of -the old corps, who, generally speaking, enjoyed their commissions -as sinecures or pensions, for some domestic services rendered to -the court, refused to embark in such a dangerous and precarious -undertaking; for which refusal, no doubt, they are to be much -commended. - - - - -CHAFTER XXII - - - -Our Land Forces being disembarked, erect a fascine battery-our -ship is ordered, with four more, to batter the port of Bocca -Chica--Mackshane's cowardice-the Chaplain's frenzy--honest Rattlin -loses one hand--his heroism and reflections on the battle--Crampley's -behaviour to me during the heat of the Fight - - -Our forces being landed and stationed as I have already mentioned, -set about erecting a fascine battery to cannonade the principal -fort of the enemy; and in something more than three weeks, it was -ready to open. That we might do the Spaniards as much honour as -possible, it was determined, in a council of war, that five of our -largest ships should attack the fort on one side, while the battery, -strengthened by two mortars and twenty-four cohorns, should ply it -on the other. - -Accordingly, the signal for our ship to engage, among others, was -hoisted, we being advertised, the night before, to make everything -clear for that purpose; and, in so doing, a difference happened -between Captain Oakum and his well-beloved cousin and counsellor -Mackshane, which had well nigh terminated in an open rupture. The -doctor, who had imagined there was no more danger of being hurt by -the enemy's shot in the cockpit than in the centre of the earth, -was lately informed that a surgeon's mate had been killed in that -part of the ship by a cannon-ball from two small redoubts that were -destroyed before the disembarkation of our soldiers; and therefore -insisted upon having a platform raised for the convenience of -the sick and wounded in the after-hold, where he deemed himself -more secure than on the deck above. The captain, offended at this -extraordinary proposal, accused him of pusillanimity, and told him, -there was no room in the hold for such an occasion: or, if there -was, he could not expect to be indulged more than the rest of the -surgeons of the navy, who used the cockpit for that purpose. Fear -rendering Mackshane obstinate, he persisted in his demand, and -showed his instructions, by which it was authorised; the captain -swore these instructions were dictated by a parcel of lazy poltroons -who were never at sea; nevertheless he was obliged to comply, and -sent for the carpenter to give him orders about it. But, before -any such measure could be taken, our signal was thrown out, and the -doctor compelled to trust his carcass in the cockpit, where Morgan -and I were busy in putting our instruments and dressings in order. - -Our ship, with others destined for this service, immediately weighed, -and in less than half-an-hour came to an anchor before the castle -of Bocca Chica, with a spring upon our cable, and the cannonading -(which indeed was dreadful) began. The surgeon, after having crossed -himself, fell flat on the deck; and the chaplain and purser, who were -stationed with us in quality of assistants, followed his example, -while the Welshman and I sat upon a chest looking at one another -with great discomposure, scarce able to refrain from the like -prostration. And that the reader may know it was not a common -occasion that alarmed us thus, I must inform him of the particulars -of this dreadful din that astonished us. The fire of the Spaniards -proceeded from eighty-four great guns, besides a mortar and small -arms, in Bocca Chica; thirty-six in Fort St. Joseph; twenty in two -fascine batteries, and four men-of-war, mounting sixty-four guns -each. This was answered by our land-battery mounted with twenty-ono -cannon, two mortars, and twenty-four cohorns, and five great ships -of seventy or eighty guns, that fired without intermission. - -We had not been many minutes engaged, when one of the sailors brought -another on his back to the cockpit, where he tossed him down like -a bag of oats, and pulling out his pouch, put a large chew of tobacco -in his mouth without speaking a word. Morgan immediately examined -the condition of the wounded man, and cried out, "As I shall answer -now, the man is as tead as my great grandfather." "Dead," said his -comrade; "he may be dead now, for aught I know, but I'll be d--d -if he was not alive when I took him up." So saying, he was about to -return to his quarters, when I bade him carry the body along with -him, and throw it overboard. "D--n the body!" said he, "I think 'tis -fair enough if I take care of my own." My fellow mate, snatching up -the amputation knife, pursued him half-way up the cock-pit ladder, -crying, "You lousy rascal, is this the churchyard, or the charnel-house, -or the sepulchre, or the golgotha, of the ship?--but was stopped -in his career by one calling, "Yo he, avast there--scaldings!" -"Scaldings!" answered Morgan; "Cot knows 'tis hot enough indeed: -who are you? "Here's one!" replied the voice; and I immediately -knew it to be that of my honest friend Jack Rattlin, who coming -towards me, told me, with great deliberation, he was come to be -docked at last, and discovered the remains of one hand, which had -been shattered to pieces with a grape shot. I lamented with unfeigned -sorrow his misfortune, which he bore with heroic courage, observing, -that every shot had its commission: "It was well it did not take him -in the head! or if it had, what then? he should have died bravely, -fighting for his king and country. Death was a debt which every -man owed, and must pay; and that now was as well as another time." -I was much pleased and edified with the maxims of this sea-philosopher, -who endured the amputation of his left hand without shrinking, the -operation being performed (at his request) by me, after Mackshane, -who was with difficulty prevailed to lift his head from the deck, -had declared there was a necessity for his losing the limb. - -While I was employed in dressing the stump, I asked Jack's opinion -of the battle, who, shaking his head, frankly told me, he believed -we should do no good: "For why? because, instead of dropping anchor -close under shore, where we should have to deal with one corner of -Bocca Chica only, we had opened the harbour, and exposed ourselves -to the whole fire of the enemy from their shipping and Fort St. -Joseph, as well as from the castle we intended to cannonade; that, -besides, we lay at too great a distance to damage the walls, and -three parts in four of our shot did not take place; for there was -scarce anybody on board who understood the pointing of a gun. Ah! -God help us!" continued he, "If your kinsman, Lieutenant Bowling, -had been here, we should have had other guess work." By this time, -our patients had increased to such a number, that we did not know -which to begin with; and the first mate plainly told the surgeon, -that if he did not get up immediately and perform his duty, he would -complain of his behaviour to the admiral, and make application for -his warrant. This remonstrance effectually roused Mackshane, who -was never deaf to an argument in which he thought his interest was -concerned; he therefore rose up, and in order to strengthen his -resolution, had recourse more than once to a case-bottle of rum, -which he freely communicated to the chaplain, and purser, who had -as much need of such extraordinary inspiration as himself. Being -thus supported, he went to work, and arms and legs were hewed down -without mercy. The fumes of the liquor mounting into the parson's -brain, conspired, with his former agitation of spirits, to make him -quite delirious; he stripped himself to the skin; and, besmearing -his body with blood, could scarce be withheld from running upon deck -in that condition. Jack Rattlin, scandalised at this deportment, -endeavoured to allay his transports with reason; but finding all -he said ineffectual, and great confusion occasioned by his frolics, -he knocked him down with his right hand, and by threats kept him -quiet in that state of humiliation. But it was not in the power of -rum to elevate the purser, who sat on the floor wringing his hands, -and cursing the hour in which he left his peaceable profession of a -brewer in Rochester, to engage in such a life of terror and disquiet. - -While we diverted ourselves at the expense of this poor devil, a -shot happened to take us between wind and water, and (its course -being through the purser's store room) made a terrible havoc -and noise among the jars and bottles in its way, and disconcerted -Mackshane so much, that he dropped his scalpel, and falling down -on his knees, pronounced his Pater-noster aloud: the purser fell -backward, and lay without sense or motion; and the chaplain grew -so outrageous, that Rattlin with one hand could not keep him under; -so that we were obliged to confine him in the surgeon's cabin, -where he was no doubt guilty of a thousand extravagancies. Much -about this time, my old antagonist, Crampley, came down, with -express orders, as he said, to bring me up to the quarter-deck, to -dress a slight wound the captain had received by a splinter: his -reason for honouring me in particular with this piece of service, -being, that in case I should be killed or disabled by the way, -my death or mutilation would be of less consequence to the ship's -company than that of the doctor or his first mate. At another time, -perhaps, I might have disputed this order, to which I was not bound -to pay the least regard; but as I thought my reputation depended -upon my compliance, I was resolved to convince my rival that I was -no more afraid than he of exposing myself to danger. With this view -I provided myself with dressings, and followed him immediately to -the quarter-deck, through a most infernal scene of slaughter, fire, -smoke, and uproar. Captain Oakum, who leaned against the mizen-mast, -no sooner saw me approach in my shirt, with the sleeves tucked up -to my armpits, and my hands dyed with blood, than he signified his -displeasure by a frown, and asked why the doctor himself did not -come? I told him that Crampley had singled me out, as if by express -command; at which reply he seemed surprised, and threatened to -punish the midshipman for his presumption, after the engagement. -In the meantime, I was sent back to my station, and ordered to tell -Mackshane, that the captain expected him immediately. I got safe -back, and delivered my commission to the doctor, who flatly refused -to quit the post assigned to him by his instructions; whereupon -Morgan, who I believe, was jealous of my reputation for courage, -undertook the affair, and ascended with great intrepidity. The -captain, finding the surgeon obstinate, suffered himself to be -dressed, and swore he would confine Mackshane as soon as the service -should be over. - - - - - -CHAPTER XXXIII - - - - -A breach being made in the walls, our soldiers give the assault, -and take the place without opposition--our sailors at the same -time, become masters of all the other strengths near Bocca Chica, -and take possession of the harbour--the good consequence of this -success--we move nearer the town--find two forts deserted, and -the Channel blocked up with sunk vessels; which however we find -means to clear--land our soldiers at La Quinta--repulse a body of -militia--attack the castle of St. Lazar, and are forced to retreat -with great loss-the remains of our army are re-embarked--an effort -of the Admiral to take the town--the economy of our expedition -described - - -Having cannonaded the fort during the space of four hours, we were -all ordered to slip our cables, and sheer off; but next day the -engagement was renewed, and continued from the morning till the -afternoon, when the enemy's fire from Bocca Chica slackened, and -towards evening was quite silenced. A breach being made on the other -side, by our land battery, large enough to admit a middle-sized -baboon, provided he could find means to climb up to it, our general -proposed to give the assault that very night, and actually ordered -a detachment on that duty. Providence stood our friend upon this -occasion, and put it into the hearts of the Spaniards to abandon -the fort, which might have been maintained by resolute men till the -day of judgment against all the force we could exert in the attack. -And while our soldiers took possession of the enemy's ramparts -without resistance, the same good luck attended a body of sailors, -who made themselves masters of Fort St. Joseph, the fascine batteries, -and one Spanish man-of-war; the other three being burnt or sunk by -the foe, that they might not fall into our hands. The taking of -these forts, in the strength of which the Spaniards chiefly confided, -made us masters of the outward harbour, and occasioned great joy -among us, as we laid our accounts at finding little or no opposition -from the town: and indeed, if a few great ships had sailed -up immediately, before they had recovered from the confusion and -despair that our unexpected success had produced among them, it -is not impossible that we might have finished the affair to our -satisfaction, without any more bloodshed; but this step our heroes -disdained as a barbarous insult over the enemy's distress, and -gave them all the respite they could desire, in order to recollect -themselves. In the meantime, Mackshane, taking the advantage of -this general exultation, waited on our captain, and pleaded his -own cause so effectually that he was re-established in his good -graces; and as for Crampley, there was no more notice taken of his -behaviour towards me during the action. But of all the consequences -of the victory, none was more grateful than plenty of fresh water, -after we had languished five weeks on the allowance of a purser's -quart per day for each man in the Torrid Zone, where the sun was -vertical, and the expense of bodily fluid so great, that a gallon -of liquor could scarce supply the waste of twenty-four hours; -especially as our provision consisted of putrid salt beef, to -which the sailors gave the name of Irish horse; salt pork, of New -England, which, though neither fish nor flesh, savoured of both; -bread from the same country, every biscuit whereof, like a piece -of clockwork, moved by its own internal impulse, occasioned by the -myriads of insects that dwelt within it; and butter served out by -the gill, that tasted like train oil thickened with salt. Instead -of small beer, each man was allowed three half-quarterns of brandy -or rum, which were distributed every morning, diluted with a certain -quantity of his water, without either sugar or fruit to render it -palatable, for which reason, this composition was by the sailors -not ineptly styled Necessity. Nor was this limitation of simple -element owing to a scarcity of it on board, for there was at this -time water enough in the ship for a voyage of six months, at the -rate of half-a-gallon per day to each man: but this fast must, -I suppose, have been enjoined by way of penance on the ship's -company for their sins; or rather with a view to mortify them into -a contempt of life, that they might thereby become more resolute -and regardless of danger. How simply then do those people argue, -who ascribe the great mortality among us, to our bad provision and -want of water; and affirm, that a great many valuable lives might -have been saved, if the useless transports had been employed in -fetching fresh stock, turtle, fruit, and other refreshments from -Jamaica and other adjacent islands, for the use of the army and -fleet! seeing it is to be hoped, that those who died went to a -better place, and those who survived were the more easily maintained. -After all, a sufficient number remained to fall before the walls -of St. Lazar, where they behaved like their own country mastiffs, -which shut their eyes, run into the jaws of a bear, and have their -heads crushed for their valour. - -But to return to my narration. After having put garrisons into the -forts we had taken, and re-embarked our soldiers and artillery (a -piece of service that detained us more than a week), we ventured up -to the mouth of the inner harbour, guarded by a large fortification -on one side, and a small redoubt on the other, both of which were -deserted before our approach, and the entrance of the harbour blocked -up by several old galleons, and two men-of-war that the enemy had -sunk in the channel. We made shift, however, to open a passage -for some ships, that favoured a second landing of our troops at a -place called La Quinta, not far from the town, where, after a faint -resistance from a body of Spaniards, who opposed their disembarkation, -they encamped with a design of besieging the castle of St. Lazar, -which overlooked and commanded the city. Whether our renowned -general had nobody in his army who knew how to approach it in form, -or that he trusted entirely to the fame of his arms, I shall not -determine; but, certain it is, a resolution was taken in a council -of war, to attack the place with musketry only. This was put in -execution, and succeeded accordingly; the enemy giving them such a -hearty reception, that the greatest part of their detachment took -up their everlasting residence on the spot. - -Our chief, not relishing this kind of complaisance in the Spaniard's, -was wise enough to retreat on board with the remains of his army, -which, from eight thousand able men landed on the beach near Bocca -Chica, was now reduced to fifteen hundred fit for service. The -sick and wounded were squeezed into certain vessels, which thence -obtained the name of hospital ships, though methinks they scarce -deserved such a creditable title, seeing few of them could boast -of their surgeon, nurse, or cook; and the space between decks was -so confined that the miserable patients had not room to sit upright -in their beds. Their wounds and stumps, being neglected, contracted -filth and putrefaction, and millions of maggots were hatched amidst -the corruption of their sores. This inhuman disregard was imputed -to the scarcity of surgeons; though it is well known that every -great ship in the fleet could have spared one at least for this -duty, an expedient which would have been more than sufficient to -remove this shocking inconvenience. But perhaps our general was too -much of a gentleman to ask a favour of this kind from his fellow -chief, who, on the other hand, would not derogate so much from -his own dignity, as to offer such assistance unasked; for, I may -venture to affirm, that by this time the Demon of Discord, with -her sooty wings, had breathed her influence upon our councils; -and it might be said of these great men (I hope they will pardon -the comparison) as of Cesar and Pompey, the one could not brook -a superior, and the other was impatient of an equal; so that, -between the pride of one and insolence of another, the enterprise -miscarried, according to the proverb, "Between two stools the -backside falls to the ground." Not that I would be thought to liken -any public concern to that opprobrious part of the human body, -though I might with truth assert, if I durst use such a vulgar -idiom, that the nation did hang on arse at its disappointment on -this occasion; neither would I presume to compare the capacity of -our heroic leaders to any such wooden convenience as a joint-stool -or a close-stool; but only to signify by this simile, the mistake -the people committed in trusting to the union of two instruments -that were never joined. - -A day or two after the attempt on St. Lazar, the admiral ordered one -of the Spanish men-of-war we had taken to be mounted with sixteen -guns, and manned with detachments from our great ships, in order to -batter the town; accordingly, she was towed into the inner harbour -in the night, and moored within half a mile of the walls, against -which she began to fire at daybreak; and continued about six hours -exposed to the opposition of at least thirty pieces of cannon, which -at length obliged our men to set her on fire, and get off as well -as they could in their boats. This piece of conduct afforded matter -of speculation to all the wits, either in the army or navy, who -were at last fain to acknowledge it a stroke of policy above their -comprehension. Some entertained such an irreverent opinion of the -admiral's understanding, as to think he expected the town would -surrender to his floating battery of sixteen guns: others imagined -his sole intention was to try the enemy's strength, by which -he should be able to compute the number of great ships that would -be necessary to force the town to a capitulation. But this last -conjecture soon appeared groundless, inasmuch as no ships of any -kind whatever were afterwards employed on that service. A third sort -swore, that no other cause could be assigned for this undertaking -than that which induced Don Quixote to attack the windmill. A fourth -class (and that the most numerous, though, without doubt, composed -of the sanguine and malicious), plainly taxed this commander with -want of honesty as well as sense; and alleged that he ought to -have sacrificed private pique to the interest of his country; that, -where the lives of so many brave fellow-citizens were concerned, -he ought to have concurred with the general without being solicited -or even desired, towards their preservation and advantage, that, if -his arguments could not dissuade him from a desperate enterprise, -it was his duty to have rendered it as practicable as possible, -without running extreme hazard; that this could have been done, with -a good prospect of success, by ordering five or six large ships to -batter the town, while the land forces stormed the castle; by these -means a considerable diversion would have been made in favour of -those troops, who, in their march to the assault and in the retreat, -suffered much more from the town than from the castle! that the -inhabitants, seeing themselves vigorously attacked on all hands, would -have been divided, distracted, and confused, and in all probability, -unable to resist the assailants. But all these suggestions surely -proceeded from ignorance or malevolence, or else the admiral would -not have found it such an easy matter, at his return to England, to -justify his conduct to a ministry at once so upright and discerning. -True it is, that those who undertook to vindicate him on the spot, -asserted, that there was not water enough for our great ships near -the town: though this was a little unfortunately urged, because -there happened to be pilots in the fleet perfectly well acquainted -with the soundings of the harbour, who affirmed there was water -enough for five eighty-gun ships to lie abreast almost up to the -very walls. The disappointments we suffered occasioned a universal -dejection, which was not at all alleviated by the objects that daily -and hourly entertained our eyes, nor by the prospect of what must -have inevitably happened, had we remained much longer in this -place. Such was the economy in some ships that, rather than be at -the trouble of interring the dead, their commanders ordered their -men to throw their bodies overboard, many without either ballast -or winding-sheet; so that numbers of human carcases floated in -the harbour, until they were devoured by sharks and carrion crows, -which afforded no agreeable spectacle to those who survived, At -the same time the wet season began, during which a deluge of rain -falls, from the rising to the setting sun, without intermission, -and that no sooner ceases than it begins to thunder, and lighten -with such continued flashing, that one can see to read a very small -print by the illumination. - - - - -CHAPTER XXXIV - - - - -An epidemic Fever rages among us--we abandon our Conquests--I am -seized with Distemper--write a Petition to the Captain, which is -rejected--I am in danger of Suffocation through the Malice of Crampley, -and relieved by a Serjeant--my Fever increases--the Chaplain wants -to confess me--I obtain a favourable Crisis-Morgan's Affection -for me proved--the Behaviour of Mackshane and Crampley towards -me--Captain Oakum is removed into another Ship with his beloved -Doctor--our new Captain described--An Adventure of Morgan - - -The change of the atmosphere, occasioned by this phenomenon, conspired, -with the stench that surrounded us, the heat of the climate, our -own constitutions, impoverished by bad provisions, and our despair, -to introduce the bilious fever among us, which raged with such -violence, that three-fourths of those whom it invaded died in a -deplorable manner; the colour of their skin being, by the extreme -putrefaction of the juices, changed into that of soot. - -Our conductors, finding things in this situation, perceived -it was high to relinquish our conquests, and this we did, after -having rendered their artillery useless, and blown up their walls -with gunpowder. Just as we sailed from Bocca Chica, on our return -to Jamaica, I found myself threatened with the symptoms of this -terrible distemper; and knowing very well that I stood no chance -for my life, if I should be obliged to be in the cockpit, which -by this time was grown intolerable, even to people in health, by -reason of the heat and unwholesome smell of decayed provision, I -wrote a petition to the captain, representing my case, and humbly -imploring his permission to be among the soldiers in the middle -deck, for the benefit of the air: but I might have spared myself -the trouble; for this humane commander refused my request, and -ordered me to continue in the place allotted for the surgeon's -mates, or else be contented to be in the hospital, which, by the -by, was three degrees more offensive and more suffocating than -our own berth below. Another, in my condition, perhaps, would have -submitted to his fate, and died in a pet; but I could not brook -the thought of perishing so pitifully, after I had weathered so -many gales of hard fortune: I therefore, without minding Oakum's -injunction, prevailed upon the soldiers (whose good-will I had -acquired) to admit my hammock among them; and actually congratulated -myself upon my comfortable situation; which Crampley no sooner -understood, than he signified to the captain my contempt of his -orders, and was invested with power to turn me down again into my -proper habitation. - -This barbarous piece of revenge incensed me so much against the -author, that I vowed, with bitter imprecations, to call him to a -severe account, if ever it should be in my power; and the agitation -of my spirits increased my fever to a violent degree. While I -lay gasping for breath in this infernal abode, I was visited by a -sergeant, the bones of whose nose I had reduced and set to rights, -after they had been demolished by a splinter during our last -engagement; he, being informed of my condition, offered me the use -of his berth in the middle deck, which was enclosed with canvas, and -well aired by a port-hole that remained open within it. I embraced -this proposal with joy, and was immediately conducted to the place, -where I was treated, while my illness lasted, with the utmost -tenderness and care by this grateful halberdier, who had no other -bed for himself than a hencoop during the whole passage. Here I -lay and enjoyed the breeze, notwithstanding which my malady gained -ground, and at length my life was despaired of, though I never lost -hopes of recovery, even when I had the mortification to see, from -my cabin-window, six or seven thrown overboard every day, who died -of the same distemper. This confidence, I am persuaded, conduced a -great deal to the preservation of my life, especially when joined -to another resolution I took at the beginning, namely, to refuse -all medicine, which I could not help thinking co-operated with the -disease, and, instead of resisting putrefaction, promoted a total -degeneracy of the vital fluid. When my friend Morgan, therefore, -brought his diaphoretic bolases, I put them into my month, 'tis -true, but without any intention of swallowing them: and, when he -went away, spit them out, and washed my mouth with water-gruel. -I seemingly complied in this matter, that I might not affront the -blood of Caractacus, by a refusal which might have intimated a -diffidence of his physical capacity, for he acted as my physician; -Doctor Mackshane never once inquiring about me, or even knowing -where I was. When my distemper was at the height, Morgan thought -my case desperate, and, after having applied a blister to the nape -of my neck, squeezed my hand, bidding me, with a woful countenance, -recommend myself to Cot and my Reteemer; then, taking his -leave, desired the chaplain to come and administer some spiritual -consolation to me; but, before he arrived, I made shift to rid -myself of the troublesome application the Welshman had bestowed on -my back. The person, having felt my pulse, inquired into the nature -of my complaints, hemmed a little, and began thus: "Mr. Random, -God out of his infinite mercy has been pleased to visit you with -a dreadful distemper, the issue of which no man knows. You may be -permitted to recover and live many days on the face of the earth; -and, which is more probable, you may be taken away, and cut off -in the flower of your youth. It is incumbent on you, therefore, to -prepare for the great change, by repenting sincerely of your sins; -of this there cannot be a greater sign, than an ingenuous confession, -which I conjure you to make without hesitation or mental reservation; -and, when I am convinced of your sincerity, I will then give you -such comfort as the situation of your soul will admit of. Without -doubt, you have been guilty of numberless transgressions to which -youth is subject, as swearing, drunkenness, whoredom, and adultery: -tell me therefore, without reserve, the particulars of each, especially -of the last, that I may be acquainted with the true state of your -conscience; for no physician will prescribe for his patient until -he knows the circumstances of his disease." - -As I was not under any apprehensions of death, I could not help -smiling at the chaplain's inquisitive remonstrance, which I told -him savoured more of the Roman than of the Protestant church, in -recommending auricular confession; a thing, in my opinion, not at -all necessary to salvation, and which, for that reason, I declined. -This reply disconcerted him a little; however, he explained away his -meaning, in making learned distinctions between what was absolutely -necessary and what was only convenient; then proceeded to ask what -religion I professed. I answered, that I had not as yet considered -the difference of religions, consequently had not fixed on any one -in particular, but that I was bred a Presbyterian. At this word -the chaplain expressed great astonishment, and said, he could not -comprehend how a presbyterian was entitled to any post under the -English government. Then he asked if I had ever received the sacrament, -or taken the oaths; to which questions, I replying in the negative, -he held up his hands, assured me he could do me no service, wished -I might not be in a state of reprobation, and returned to his -messmates, who were making merry in the ward-room, round a table -well stored with bumbo[2] and wine. - - -[2]bumbo is a liquor composed of rum, sugar, water, and nutmeg - - -This insinuation, terrible as it was, had not such an effect upon -me as the fever, which, soon after he had left me, grew outrageous. I -began to see strange chimeras and concluded myself upon the point -of being delirious; in the meantime, being in great danger of -suffocation, I started up in a kind of frantic fit, with an intention -to plunge myself into the sea; and, as my friend the sergeant was -not present, would certainly have cooled myself to some purpose, -had I not perceived a moisture upon my thigh, as I endeavoured to -get out of my hammock: the appearance of this revived my hopes, -and I had reflection and resolution enough to take the advantage -of this favourable symptom, by tearing the shirt from my body, and -the sheets from my bed, and wrapping myself in a thick blanket, -in which inclosure, for about a quarter of an hour, felt all the -pains of hell: but it was not long before I was recompensed for -my suffering by a profuse sweat, that, bursting from the whole -surface of my skin, in less than two hours, relieved me from all -my complaints except that of weakness; and left me as hungry as a -kite. I enjoyed a very comfortable nap, after which I was regaling -myself with the agreeable reverie of future happiness, when I heard -Morgan, on the outside of the curtain, ask the sergeant if I was -alive still? "Alive!" cried the other, "God forbid he should be -otherwise! he has lain quiet these five hours, and I do not choose -to disturb him, for sleep will do him great service." "Ay," said -my fellow-mate, "he sleeps so sound (look you), that he will not -waken till the great trump plows--Cot be merciful to his soul. He -has paid his debt like an honest man--ay, and moreover, he is at -rest from all persecutions, and troubles, and afflictions, of which, -Cot knows, and I know, he had his own share--Ochree! Ochree! he -was a promising youth indeed!" So saying he groaned grievously, -and began to whine in such a manner, as persuaded me he had a real -friendship for me. The sergeant, alarmed at his words, came into -the berth, and, while he looked upon me, I smiled, and tipped him -the wink: he immediately guessed my meaning and remaining silent, -Morgan was confirmed in his opinion of my being dead; whereupon he -approached, with tears in his eyes, in order to indulge his grief -with a sight of the object: and I counterfeited death so well, by -fixing my eyes and dropping my under-jaw, that he said, "There he -lies, no petter than a lump of clay, Cot help me!" and observed, -by the distortion of my face, that I must have had a strong struggle. - -I should not have been able to contain myself much longer, when -he began to perform the last duty of a friend, in closing my eyes -and my mouth, upon which I suddenly snapped at his fingers and -discomposed him so much that he started back, turned pale as ashes, -and stared like the picture of horror; although I could not help -laughing at his appearance, I was concerned for his situation, and -stretched out my hand, telling him I hoped to live and eat some -salmagundy of his making in England. It was some time before he -could recollect himself so far as to feel my pulse, and inquire -into the particulars of my disease; but when he found I had enjoyed -a favourable crisis, he congratulated me upon my good fortune; not -failing to ascribe it, under Cot, to the blister he had applied to -my back, at his last visit; which, by the bye, said he, must now -be removed and dressed; he was actually going to fetch dressings, -when I, feigning astonishment, said, "Bless me! sure you never -applied a blister to me--there is nothing on my back, I assure -you." But he could not be convinced till he had examined it, and -then endeavoured to conceal his confusion, by expressing his surprise -in finding the skin untouched and the plaster missing. In order -to excuse myself for paying so little regard to his prescription, -I pretended to have been insensible when it was put on, and to -have pulled it off afterwards in a fit of delirium. This apology -satisfied my friend, who, on this occasion, abated a good deal of -his stiffness in regard to punctilio; and as we were now safely -arrived at Jamaica, where I had the benefit of fresh provisions -and other refreshments, I recovered strength every day, and, in a -short time, my health and vigour were perfectly re-established. - -When I got up at first, and was just able to crawl about the deck -with a staff in my hand, I met Doctor Mackshane, who passed by me -with a disdainful look, and did not vouchsafe to honour me with -one word. After him came Crampley, who, strutting up to me with a -fierce countenance, pronounced, "Here's fine discipline on-board, -when such lazy, skulking sons of bitches as you are allowed, on -pretence of sickness, to lollop at your ease, while your betters -are kept to hard duty!" The sight and behaviour of this malicious -scoundrel enraged me so much that I could scarce refrain from -laying my cudgel across his pate; but when I considered my present -feebleness, and the enemies I had in the ship, who wanted only a -pretence to ruin me, I restrained my passion, and contented myself -with telling him, I had not forgot his insolence and malice, and -that I hoped we should meet one day on shore. At this declaration -he grinned, shook his fist, and swore he longed for nothing more -than such an opportunity. Meanwhile our ship was ordered to be heaved -down, victualled, and watered, for her return to England; and our -captain, for some reason or other, not thinking it convenient for -him to revisit his native country at this time, exchanged with a -gentleman, who, on the other hand, wished for nothing so much as to -be safe without the tropic: all his care and tenderness of himself -being insufficient to preserve his complexion from the injuries of -the sun and weather. - -Our tyrant having left the ship, and carried his favourite Mackshane -along with him, to my inexpressible satisfaction, our new commander -came on board in a ten-oared barge, overshadowed with a vast -umbrella, and appeared in everything the reverse of Oakum, being a -tall, thin young man, dressed in this manner: a white hat, garnished -with a red feather, adorned his head, from whence his hair flowed -upon his shoulders, in ringlets tied behind with a ribbon. His coat, -consisting of pink-coloured silk, lined with white, by the elegance -of the cut retired backward, as it were, to discover a white satin -waistcoat embroidered with gold, unbuttoned at the upper part to -display a brooch set with garnets, that glittered in the breast -of his shirt, which was of the finest cambric, edged with right -Mechlin: the knees of his crimson velvet breeches scarce descended -so low as to meet his silk stockings, which rose without spot or -wrinkle on his meagre legs, from shoes of blue Meroquin, studded with -diamond buckles that flamed forth rivals to the sun! A steel-hilted -sword, inlaid with gold, and decked with a knot of ribbon which -fell down in a rich tassel, equipped his side; and an amber-headed -cane hung dangling from his wrist. But the most remarkable parts -of his furniture were, a mask on his face, and white gloves on his -hands, which did not seem to be put on with an intention to be -pulled off occasionally, but were fixed with a curious ring on the -little finger of each hand. - -In this garb, Captain Whiffle, for that was his name, took possession -of the ship, surrounded with a crowd of attendants, all of whom, in -their different degrees, seemed to be of their patron's disposition; -and the air was so impregnated with perfumes, that one may venture -to affirm the climate of Arabia Felix was not half so sweet-scented. -My fellow-mate, observing no surgeon among his train, thought he -had found an occasion too favourable for himself to be neglected; -and, remembering the old proverb, "Spare to speak, and spare to -speed," resolved to solicit the new captain's interest immediately, -before any other surgeon could be appointed for the ship. With this -view he repaired to the cabin in his ordinary dress, consisting of -a check shirt and trousers, a brown linen waistcoat, and a nightcap -of the same (neither of them very clean,) which, for his further -misfortune, happened to smell strong of tobacco. Entering without -any ceremony into this sacred place, he found Captain Whiffle -reposing upon a couch, with a wrapper of fine chintz about his -body, and a muslin cap bordered with lace about his head; and after -several low congees began in this manner: "Sir, I hope you will -forgive, and excuse, and pardon, the presumption of one who has -not the honour of being known to you, but who is, nevertheless -a shentleman porn and pred, and moreover has had misfortunes, Cot -help me, in the world." - -Here he was interrupted by the captain, who, on seeing him, had -started up with great amazement, at the novelty of the apparition; -and, having recollected himself, pronounced with a look and tone -signifying disdain, curiosity and surprise, "Zauns! who art thou?" -"I am surgeon's first mate on board of this ship," replied Morgan: -"and I most vehemently desire and beseech you, with all submission, -to be pleased to condescend and vouchsafe to inquire into my -character, and my pehaviour, and my deserts, which, under Cot, I -hope, will entitle me to the vacancy of surgeon." As he proceeded -in his speech, he continued advancing towards the captain, whose -nostrils were no sooner saluted with the aromatic flavour that -exhaled from him, than he cried with great emotion, "Heaven preserve -me! I am suffocated! Fellow, fellow, away with thee! Curse thee, -fellow! Get thee gone! I shall be stunk to death!" At the noise of -his outcries, his servants ran into his apartment, and he accosted -them thus: "Villains! cut-throats! traitors! I am betrayed! I -am sacrificed! Will you not carry that monster away? or must I be -stifled with the stench of him? oh, oh!" With these interjections -he sank down upon his settee in a fit: his valet-de-chambre plied -him with a smelling-bottle, one footman chafed his temples with -Hungary water, another sprinkled the floor with spirits of lavender, -a third pushed Morgan out of the cabin; who coming to the place -where I was, sat down with a demure countenance and, according -to his custom, when he received any indignity which he durst not -revenge, began to sing a Welsh ditty. - -I guessed he was under some agitation of spirits and desired to -know the cause; but, instead of answering me directly, he asked -with great emotion, if I thought him a monster and a stinkard? "A -monster and a stinkard!" said I, with some surprise: "did anybody -call you so?" "Cot is my judge," replied be, "Captain Fifle did -call me both; ay, and all the waters in the Tawy will not wash it -out of my remembrance. I do affirm and avouch, and maintain, with -my soul, and my pody, and my plood, look you, that I have no smells -apout me, but such as a Christian ought to have, except the effluvia -of tobacco, which is a cephalic, odoriferous, aromatic herb; and he -is a son of a mountain goat who says otherwise. As for my being a -minister, let that be as it is: I am as Cot was pleased to create -me, which, peradventure, is more than I shall ever aver of him -who gave me that title; for I will proclaim it before the world, -that he is disguised, and transfigured, and transmogrified, with -affectation and whimseys; and that he is more like a papoon than -of the human race." - - - - - -CHAPTER XXXV - - - - -Captain Whiffle sends for me--his situation described--his surgeon -arrives, prescribes for him, and puts him to bed--a bed is put -up for Mr. Simper contiguous to the state room, which, with other -parts of the captains behaviour, gives the ship's company a very -unfavourable idea of their commander--I am detained in the West -Indies by the admiral, and go on board of the Lizard sloop of war -in quality of surgeon's mate, where I make myself known to the -surgeon, who treats me very kindly--I go on shore, sell my ticket, -purchase necessaries, and, at my return on board, am surprised at -the sight of Crampley, who is appointed lieutenant of the sloop--we -sail on a cruise-take a prize in which I arrive at Port Morant -under the command of my messmate, with whom I live in great harmony - - -He was going on with an eulogium upon the captain, when I received -a message to clean myself, and go up to the great cabin: and with -this command I instantly complied, sweetening myself with rosewater -from the medicine chest. When I entered the room, I was ordered -to stand by the door, until Captain Whiffle had reconnoitered me -at a distance with a spy-glass. He, having consulted one sense in -this manner, bade me advance gradually, that his nose might have -intelligence before it could be much offended: I therefore approached -with great caution and success, and he was pleased to say, "Ay, -this creature is tolerable." I found him lolling on his couch with -a languishing air, his head supported by his valet-de-chambre, who -from time to time applied a smelling-bottle to his nose. "Vergette," -said he in a squeaking tone, "dost think this wretch (meaning me) -will do me no injury? May I venture to submit my arm to him?" "Pon -my word," replied the valet, "I do tink dat dere be great occasion -for your honour losing a small quantite of blodt; and the young -man ave quelque chose of de bonne mine." "Well, then," said his -master, "I think I must venture." Then, addressing himself to me, -"Hast thou ever blooded anybody but brutes? But I need not ask thee, -for thou wilt tell me a most d--able lie," "Brutes, sir!" answered -I, pulling down his glove, in order to feel his pulse, "I never -meddle with brutes." "What the devil art thou about?" cried he, -"dost thou intend to twist off my hand? Gad's curse! my arm is -benumbed up to the very shoulder! Heaven have mercy upon me! must -I perish under the hands of savages? What an unfortunate dog was -I to come on board without my own surgeon, Mr. Simper." I craved -pardon for having handled him so roughly, and, with the utmost -care, and tenderness, tied up his arm with a fillet of silk. While -I was feeling for the vein, he desired to know how much blood I -intended to take from him, and, when I answered, "not above twelve -ounces," started up with a look full of horror, and bade me be gone, -swearing I had a design upon his life. Vergette appeased him with -difficulty, and, opening a bureau, took out a pair of scales, in -one of which was placed a small cup; and putting them into my hand, -told me, the captain never lost above an ounce and three drams at -one time. - -While I prepared for this important evacuation, there came into -the cabin a young man gaily dressed, of a very delicate complexion -with a kind of languid smile on his face: which seemed to have been -rendered habitual by a long course of affectation. The captain no -sooner perceived him, than, rising hastily, he flew into his arms, -crying, "O, my dear Simper, I am excessively disordered! I have -been betrayed, frighted, murdered, by the negligence of my servants, -who suffered a beast, a mule, a bear, to surprise me, and stink -me into convulsions with the fumes of tobacco." Simper, who by -this time, I found, was obliged to act for the clearness of his -complexion, assumed an air of softness and sympathy, and lamented -with many tender expressions of sorrow, the sad accident that had -thrown him into that condition; then, feeling his patient's pulse -on the outside of his glove, gave it as his opinion, that his -disorder was entirely nervous, and that some drops of tincture of -castor, and liquid laudanum, would be of more service to him than -bleeding, by bridling the inordinate sallies of his spirits, and -composing the fermentation of his bile. I was therefore sent to -prepare this prescription, which was administered in a glass of sack -posset, after the captain had been put to bed, and orders sent to -the officers on the quarter-deck, to let nobody walk on that side -under which he lay. - -While the captain enjoyed his repose the doctor watched over him, -and indeed became so necessary, that a cabin was made for him -contiguous to the state room where Whiffle slept, that he might be -at hand in case of accidents in the night. Next day, our commander -being happily recovered, gave orders that none of the lieutenants -should appear upon deck without a wig, sword, and ruffles; nor any -midshipman, or other petty officer, he seen with a check shirt or -dirty linen. He also prohibited any person whatever, except Simper -and his own servants, from coming into the great cabin without -first sending in to obtain leave. These singular regulations did not -prepossess the ship's company in his favour: but, on the contrary, -gave scandal an opportunity to be very busy with his character, -and accuse him of maintaining a correspondence with his surgeon -not fit to be named. - -In a few weeks, our ship being under sailing orders, I was in hope -of revisiting my native country, in a very short time, when the -admiral's surgeon came on board, and, sending for Morgan and me to -the quarter-deck, gave us to understand there was a great scarcity -of surgeons in the West Indies; that he was commanded to detain -one mate out of every great ship that was bound for England; and -desired us to agree between ourselves, before the next day at that -hour, which of us should stay behind. We were thunderstruck at this -proposal, and stared at one another some time without speaking; at -length the Welshman broke silence, and offered to remain in the -West Indies, provided the admiral would give him a surgeon's warrant -immediately; but he was told there was no want of chief surgeons, -and that he must be contented with the station of mate, till -he should be further provided for in due course. Whereupon Morgan -flatly refused to quit the ship for which the commissioners of the -navy had appointed him; and the other told him as plainly, that -if we could not determine the affair by ourselves before to-morrow -morning, he must cast lots, and abide by his chance. - -When I recalled to my remembrance the miseries I had undergone -in England, where I had not one friend to promote my interest, -or favour my advancement in the navy, and the same time reflected -on the present dearth of surgeons in the West Indies, and the -unhealthiness of the climate, which every day almost reduced the -number, I could not help thinking my success would be much more -certain and expeditious by my staying where I was, than by returning -to Europe. I therefore resolved to comply with a good grace, and next -day, when we were ordered to throw dice, told Morgan he needed not -trouble himself, for I would voluntarily submit to the admiral's -pleasure. This frank declaration was commended by the gentleman, who -assured me, it should not fare the worse with me for my resignation. -Indeed he was as good as his word, and that very afternoon procured -a warrant, appointing me surgeon's mate of the Lizard sloop-of-war, -which put me on a footing with every first mate in the service. - -My ticket being made out, I put my chest and bedding on board a -canoe that lay alongside, and, having shook hands with my trusty -friend the sergeant, and honest Jack Rattlin, who was bound for -Greenwich Hospital, I took my leave of Morgan with many tears, -after we had exchanged our sleeve buttons as remembrances of each -other. Having presented my new warrant to the captain of the Lizard, -I inquired for the doctor, whom I no sooner saw than I recollected -him to be one of those young fellows with whom I had been committed -to the round-house, during our frolic with Jackson, as I have -related before. He received me with a good deal of courtesy, and, -when I put him in mind of our former acquaintance, expressed great -joy at seeing me again, and recommended me to an exceeding good -mess, composed of the gunner and master's mate. As there was not -one sick person in the ship, I got leave to go ashore next day with -the gunner, who recommended me to a Jew, that bought my ticket at -the rate of forty per cent discount; and, having furnished myself -with the necessaries I wanted, returned on board in the evening, -and, to my surprise, found my old antagonist Crampley walking -upon deck. Though I did not fear his enmity, I was shocked at his -appearance, and communicated my sentiments on that subject to Mr. -Tomlins the surgeon, who told me that Crampley, by dint of some -friends about the admiral, had procured a commission, constituting -him lieutenant on board the Lizard; and advised me, now he was my -superior officer, to behave with some respect towards him, or else -he would find a thousand opportunities of using me ill. This advice -was a bitter potion to me, whom pride and resentment had rendered -utterly incapable of the least submission to, or even of a -reconciliation with, the wretch who had, on many occasions, treated -me so inhumanly: however, I resolved to have as little connection -as possible with him, and to ingratiate myself as much as I could -with the rest of the officers, whose friendship might be a bulwark -to defend me from the attempts of his malice. - -In less than a week we sailed on a cruise, and having weathered -the east end of the island, had the good fortune to take a Spanish -barcolongo, with her prize, which was an English ship bound -for Bristol, that sailed from Jamaica a fortnight before, without -convoy. All the prisoners who were well, we put onshore on the -north side of the island; the prizes were manned with Englishmen, -and the command of the barcolongo given to my friend the master's -mate, with orders to carry them into Port Morant, and there to -remain until the Lizard's cruise should be ended, at which time she -would touch at the same place in her way to Port Royal. With him -I was sent to attend the wounded Spaniards as well as Englishmen, -who amounted to sixteen, and to take care of them on shore in a -house that was to be hired as an hospital. This destination gave -me a great deal of pleasure, as I should, for some time, be freed -from the arrogance of Crampley, whose inveteracy against me had -already broken out on two or three occasions since he was become -a lieutenant. My messmate, who very much resembled my uncle, both -in figure and disposition, treated me on board of the prize with the -utmost civility and confidence: and, among other favours, made me -a present of a silver-hilted hanger, and a pair of pistols mounted -with the same metal, which fell to his share in plundering the -enemy. We arrived safely at Morant, and, going on shore, pitched -upon an empty storehouse; which we hired for the reception of -the wounded, who were brought to it next day, with beds and other -necessaries; and four of the ship's company appointed to attend -them and obey me. - - - - - -CHAPTER XXXVI - - - - -A strange adventure--in consequence of which I am extremely -happy--Crampley does me in offices with the Captain; but his malice -is defeated by the good-nature and friendship of the surgeon--we -return to Port Royal--our Captain gets the command of a larger ship, -and is succeeded by an old man--Brayl is provided for--we receive -orders to sail for England - - -When my patients were all in a fair way, my companion and commander, -whose name was Brayl, carried me up the country to the house of a -rich planter, with whom he was acquainted, where we were sumptuously -entertained, and in the evening set out on our return to the ship. -When we had walked about a mile by moonlight, we perceived a -horseman behind us, who coming up, wished us good even, and asked -which way we went? His voice, which was quite familiar to me, -no sooner struck my ear, than in spite of all my resolution and -reflection, my hair bristled up, and I was seized with a violent -fit of trembling, which Brayl misinterpreting, bade me be under no -concern. I told him he was mistaken in the cause of my disorder; -and, addressing myself to the person on horseback said, "I could -have sworn by your voice, that you were a dear friend of mine, if -I had not been certain of his death." To this address, after some -pause, he replied, "There are many voices as well as faces that -resemble one another; but, pray, what was your friend's name." I -satisfied him in that particular, and gave a short detail of the -melancholy fate of Thompson, not without many sighs and some tears. -A silence ensued, which lasted some minutes, and then the conversation -turned on different subjects, till we arrived at a house on the road, -where the horseman alighted, and begged with so much earnestness -that we would go in and drink a bowl of punch with him, that we -could not resist. But, if I was alarmed at his voice, what must my -amazement be, when I discovered by the light the very person of my -lamented friend! Perceiving my confusion, which was extreme, he -clasped me in his arms, and bedewed my face with tears. It was -some time ere I recovered the use of my reason, overpowered with -this event, and longer still before I could speak. So that all -I was capable of was to return his embraces, and to mingle the -overflowings of my joy with his; whilst honest Brayl, affected -with the scene, wept as fast as either of us, and signified his -participation of our happiness by hugging us both, and capering -about the room like a madman. At length, I retrieved the use of my -tongue, and cried, "Is it possible! you can be my friend Thompson? -No certainly, alas! he was drowned; and I am now under the deception -of a dream!" He was at great pains to convince me of his being the -individual person whom I regretted, and bidding me sit down and -compose myself, promised to explain his sudden disappearance from -the Thunder, and to account for his being at present in the land -of the living. This task he acquitted himself of, after I had drunk -a glass of punch, and recollected my spirits, by informing us, that -with a determination to rid himself of a miserable existence, he -bad gone in the night-time to the head, while the ship was on her -way, from whence he slipped down as softly as he could, by the -bows into the sea, where, after he was heartily ducked, he began -to repent of his precipitation; and, as he could swim very well, -kept himself above water, in hopes of being taken up by some of the -ships astern; that, in this situation, he hailed a large vessel, -and begged to be taken in, but was answered that she was a heavy -sailer, and therefore they did not choose to lose time by bringing -to; however, they threw an old chest overboard for his convenience, -and told him, that some of the ships astern would certainly save -him; that no other vessel came within sight or cry of him for the -space of three hours, during which time he had the mortification -to find himself in the middle of the ocean alone, without other -support or resting-place, but what a few crazy boards afforded; -till at last be discerned a small sloop steering towards him, upon -which he set up his throat, and had the good fortune to be heard -and rescued from the dreary waste by their boat, which was hoisted -out on purpose. - -"I was no sooner brought on board," continued he, "than I fainted, -and, when I recovered my senses, found myself in bed, regaled with -a most noisome smell of onions and cheese, which made me think at -first that I was in my own hammock, alongside of honest Morgan, and -that all which had passed was no more than a dream. Upon inquiry, -I understood that I was on board of a schooner belonging to Rhode -Island, bound for Jamaica, with a cargo of geese, pigs, onions, -and cheese, and that the master's name was Robertson, by birth a -North Briton, whom I knew at first sight to be an old sohoolfellow -of mine. When I discovered myself to him, he was transported with -surprise and joy, and begged to know the occasion of my misfortune, -which I did not think fit to disclose, because I knew his notions -with regard to religion were very severe and confined; therefore -contented myself with telling him I fell overboard by accident; -but made no scruple of explaining the nature of my disagreeable -station, and of acquainting him with my determined purpose never -to return to the Thunder man-of-war. Although he was not of my -opinion in that particular, knowing that I must lose my clothes and -what pay was due to me, unless I went back to my duty; yet, when -I described the circumstances of the hellish life I led under the -tyrannic sway of Oakum and Mackshane; and, among other grievances, -hinted a dissatisfaction at the irreligious deportment of my -shipmates, and the want of the true presbyterian gospel doctrine; -he changed his sentiments, and conjured me with great vehemence -and zeal to lay aside all thought of rising in the navy; and, that -he might show how much he had my interest at heart, undertook to -provide for me in some shape or other, before he should leave Jamaica. -This promise he performed to my heart's desire, by recommending me -to a gentleman of fortune, with whom I have lived ever since in -quality of surgeon and overseer to his plantations. He and his lady -are now at Kingston, so that I am, for the present, master of this -house, to which, from my soul, I bid you welcome, and hope you will -favour me with your company during the remaining part of the night." - -I needed not a second invitation; but Mr. Brayl, who was a diligent -and excellent officer, could not be persuaded to sleep out of -the ship; however, he supped with us, and, after having drank a, -cheerful glass, set out for the vessel, which was not above three -miles from the place, escorted by a couple of stout negroes, whom. -Mr. Thompson ordered to conduct him. Never were two friends more -happy in the conversation of each other than we, for the time -it lasted. I related to him the particulars of our attempt upon -Carthagena, of which he bad heard but an imperfect account; and he -gratified me with a narration of every little incident of his life -since we parted. He assured me, it was with the utmost difficulty -he could resist his inclination of coming down to Port Royal, to -see Morgan and me, of whom he had heard no tidings since the day -of our separation: but that he was restrained by the fear of being -detained as a deserter. He told me that, when he heard my voice -in the dark, he was almost as much surprised as I was at seeing -him afterwards: and, in the confidence of friendship, disclosed a -passion he entertained for the only daughter of the gentleman with -whom he lived, who, by his description, was a very amiable young -lady, and did not disdain his addresses; that he was very much -favoured by her parents; and did not despair of obtaining their -consent to the match, which would at once render him independent -of the world. I congratulated him on his good fortune, which he -protested should never make him forget his friends; and, towards -morning, we betook ourselves to rest. - -Next day he accompanied me to the ship, where Mr. Brayl entertained -him at dinner, and we having spent the afternoon together, he took -his leave of us in the evening, after he had forced upon me ten -pistoles, as a small token of his affection. In short, while he -stayed here, we saw one another every day, and generally ate at the -same table, which was plentifully supplied by him with all kinds -of poultry, butcher's meat, oranges, limes, lemons, pine-apples, -Madeira wine, and excellent rum; so that this small interval of -ten days was by far the most agreeable period of my life. - -At length the Lizard arrived; and my patients being all fit for -duty, they and I were ordered on board of her, where I understood -from Mr. Tomlins that there was a shyness between the lieutenant -and him on my account; the rancorous villain having taken the -opportunity of my absence to fill the captain's ears with a thousand -scandalous stories to my prejudice; among other things affirming, -that I had been once transported for theft, and that when I was -in the Thunder man-of-war, I had been whipped for the same crime. -The surgeon, on the other hand, having heard my whole story from -my own mouth, defended me strenuously, and in the course of that -good-natured office recounted all the instances of Crampley's -malice against me while I remained on board of that ship. Which -declaration, while it satisfied the captain of my innocence, made -the lieutenant as much my defender's enemy as mine. The infernal -behaviour of Crampley, with regard to me, added such fuel to his -former resentment, that, at certain times, I was quite beside myself -with the desire of revenge, and was even tempted to pistol him on -the quarter-deck, though an infamous death must inevitably have been -my reward. But the surgeon, who was my confidant, argued against -such a desperate action so effectually, that I stifled the flame -which consumed me for the present, and resolved to wait for a more -convenient opportunity. In the meantime, that Mr. Tomlins might -be the more convinced of the wrongs I suffered by this fellow's -slander, I begged he would go and visit Mr. Thompson, whose wonderful -escape I had made him acquainted with, and inquire of him into the -particulars of my conduct, while he was my fellow-mate. - -This request the surgeon complied with, more through curiosity to -see a person whose fate had been so extraordinary, than to confirm -his good opinion of me, which he assured me was already firmly -established. He therefore set out for the dwelling-place of my -friend, with a letter of introduction from me; and being received -with all the civility and kindness I expected, returned to the ship, -not only satisfied with my character beyond the power of doubt or -insinuation, but also charmed with the affability and conversation -of Thompson, who loaded him and me with presents of fresh stock, -liquors, and fruit. As he would not venture to come and see us -on board, lest Cramplay should know and detain him; when the time -of our departure approached, I obtained leave to go and bid him -farewell. After we had vowed an everlasting friendship, he pressed -upon me a purse, with four doubloons, which I refused as long -as I could without giving umbrage; and, having cordially embraced -each other, I returned on board, where I found a small box, with -a letter directed for me, to the care of Mr. Tomlins. Knowing the -superscription to be of Thompson's handwriting, I opened it with -some surprise, and learned that this generous friend, not content -with loading me with the presents already mentioned, had sent, for -my use and acceptance, half a dozen fine shirts, and as many linen -waistcoats and caps, with twelve pair of new thread stockings. -Being thus provided with money and all necessaries for the comfort -of life, I began to look upon myself as a gentleman of some -consequence, and felt my pride dilate a pace. - -Next day we sailed for Port Royal, where we arrived safely with our -prizes; and, as there was nothing to do on board, I went ashore, -and having purchased a laced waistcoat, with some other clothes, at -a sale, made a swaggering figure for some days among the taverns, -where I ventured to play a little at hazard, and came off with -fifty pistoles in my pocket. Meanwhile our captain was promoted -to a ship of twenty guns, and the command of the Lizard given to -a man turned of fourscore, who had been lieutenant since the reign -of King William, and, notwithstanding his long service, would have -probably died in that station, had he not applied some prize-money -he had lately received, to make interest with his superiors. My -friend Brayl was also made an officer about the same time, after he -had served in quality of a midshipman and mate for five and twenty -years. Soon after these alterations, the admiral pitched upon our -ship to carry home dispatches for the ministry; and we set sail for -England, having first scrubbed her bottom, and taken in provision -and water for the occasion. - - - - - -CHAPTER XXXVII - - - - -We depart for Europe--a misunderstanding arises between the Captain -and the Surgeon, through the scandalous aspersions of Crampley--the -Captain dies--Crampley tyrannises over the surgeon, who falls a -Victim for his Cruelty--I am also ill-used--the Ship strikes--the -behaviour of Crampley and the Seamen on that occasion---I get on -shore, challenge the Captain to single combat--am treacherously -knocked down, wounded, and robbed - - -Now that I could return to my native country in a creditable way, -I felt excessive pleasure in finding myself out of sight of that -fatal island, which has been the grave of so many Europeans: and, -as I was accommodated with everything to make the passage agreeable, -I resolved to enjoy myself as much as the insolence of Crampley would -permit. This insidious slanderer had found means already to cause -a misunderstanding between the surgeon and captain, who, by his age -and infirmities, was rendered intolerably peevish, his disposition -having also been soured by a long course of disappointments. He -had a particular aversion to all young men, especially to surgeons, -whom he considered unnecessary animals on board of a ship; and, -in consequence of these sentiments, never consulted the doctor, -notwithstanding his being seized with a violent fit of the gout -and gravel, but applied to a cask of Holland gin, which was his -sovereign prescription against all distempers: whether he was at -this time too sparing, or took an overdose of his cordial, certain -it is, he departed in the night, without any ceremony, which indeed -was a thing he always despised, and was found stiff next morning, -to the no small satisfaction of Crampley, who succeeded to the -command of the vessel. For that very reason, Mr. Tomlins and I had -no cause to rejoice at this event, fearing that the tyranny of our -new commander would now be as unlimited as his power. The first day -of his command justified our apprehensions: for, on pretence that -the decks were too much crowded, he ordered the surgeon's hencoops, -with all his fowls, to be thrown overboard; and at the same time -prohibited him and me from walking on the quarter-deck. - -Mr. Tomlins could not help complaining of these injuries, and in -the course of his expostulation dropped some hasty words, of which -Crampley taking hold, confined him to his cabin, where, in a few -days, for want of air he was attacked by a fever, which soon put an -end to his life, after he had made his will, by which he bequeathed -all his estate, personal and real, to his sister, and left to me -his watch and instruments as memorials of his friendship. I was -penetrated with grief on this melancholy occasion; the more because -there was nobody on board to whom I could communicate my sorrows, -or of whom I could receive the least consolation or advice. Crampley -was so far from discovering the least remorse for his barbarity, -at the news of the surgeon's death, that he insulted his memory in -the most abusive manner, and affirmed he had poisoned himself out -of pure fear, dreading to be brought to a court-martial for mutiny; -for which reason he would not suffer the service of the dead to be -read over his body before it was thrown overboard. - -Nothing but a speedy deliverance could have supported me under the -brutal sway of this bashaw, who, to render my life more irksome, -signified to my messmates a desire that I should be expelled from -their society. This was no sooner hinted, than they granted his -request; and I was fain to eat in a solitary manner by myself during -the rest of the passage, which, however, soon drew to a period. - -We had been seven weeks at sea, when the gunner told the captain -that, by his reckoning, we must be in soundings, and desired he -would order the lead to be heaved. Crampley swore he did not know -how to keep the ship's way, for we were not within a hundred leagues -of soundings, and therefore he would not give himself the trouble -to cast the lead. Accordingly we continued our course all that -afternoon and night, without shortening sail, although the gunner -pretended to discover Scilly light; and next morning protested -in form against the captain's conduct, for which he was put in -confinement, We discovered no land all that day, and Crampley was -still so infatuated as to neglect sounding; but at three o'clock -in the morning the ship struck, and remained fast on a sand-bank. -This accident alarmed the whole crew; the boat was immediately -hoisted out, but as we could not discern which way the shore lay, -we were obliged to wait for daylight. In the meantime, the wind -increased, and the waves beat against the sloop with such violence, -that we expected she would have gone to pieces. The gunner was -released and consulted: he advised the captain to cut away the -mast, in order to lighten her; this expedient was performed without -success: the sailors, seeing things in a desperate situation, -according to custom, broke up the chests belonging to the officers, -dressed themselves in their clothes, drank their liquors without -ceremony, and drunkenness, tumult, and confusion ensued. - -In the midst of this uproar, I went below to secure my own effects, -and found the carpenter's mate hewing down the purser's cabin with -his hatchet, whistling all the while with great composure. When I -asked his intention in so doing, he replied, very calmly, "I only -want to taste the purser's rum, that's all, master." At that instant -the purser coming down, and seeing his effects going to wreck, -complained bitterly of the injustice done to him, and asked the -fellow what occasion he had for liquor when, in all likelihood, he -would be in eternity in a few minutes. "All's one for that," said -plunderer, "let us live while we can." "Miserable wretch that thou -art!" cried the purser, "what must be thy lot in another world, if -thou diest in the commission of robbery?" "Why, hell, I suppose," -replied the other, with great deliberation, while the purser fell -on his knees, and begged of Heaven that we might not all perish -for the sake of Jonas. - -During this dialogue I clothed myself in my bed apparel, girded on -my hanger, stuck my pistols, loaded, in my belt, disposed of all -my valuable moveables about my person, and came upon deck with a -resolution of taking the first opportunity to get on shore, which, -when the day broke, appeared at the distance of three miles ahead. -Crampley, finding his efforts to get the ship off ineffectual, -determined to consult his own safety, by going into the boat, which -he had no sooner done, than the ship's company followed so fast, -that she would have sunk alongside, had not some one wiser than the -rest cut the rope and put off. But before this happened, I had made -several attempts to get in, and was always balked by the captain, -who was so eager in excluding me, that he did not mind the endeavours -of any other body. Enraged at this inhuman partiality, and seeing -the rope cut, I pulled one of my pistols from my belt, and cocking -it, swore I would shoot any man who would presume to obstruct my -entrance. So saying, I leaped with my full exertion, and got on -board of the boat with the loss of the skin of my shins. I chanced -in my descent to overturn Crampley, who no sooner got up than he -struck at me several times with a cutlass, and ordered the men to -throw me overboard; but they were too anxious about their own safety -to mind what he said. Though the boat was very deeply loaded, and -the sea terribly high, we made shift to get upon dry land in less -than an hour after we parted from the sloop. As soon as I set my -foot on terra firma, my indignation, which bad boiled so long within -me, broke out against Crampley, whom I immediately challenged to -single combat, presenting my pistols, that he might take his choice: -he took one without hesitation, and, before I could cock the other, -fired in my face, throwing the pistol after the shot. I felt myself -stunned, and imagining the bullet had entered my brain, discharged -mine as quick as possible, that I might not die unrevenged: then -flying upon my antagonist, knocked out several of his fore-teeth -with the butt-end of the piece, and would certainly have made an -end of him with that instrument, had he not disengaged himself, -and seized his cutlass, which he had given to his servant when he -received the pistol. Seeing him armed in this manner, I drew my -hanger, and, having flung my pistol at his head, closed with him -in a transport of fury, and thrust my weapon into his mouth, which -it enlarged on one side to his ear. Whether the smart of this wound -disconcerted him, or the unevenness of the ground made him reel, I -know not, but he staggered some paces back: I followed close, and -with one stroke cut the tendons of the back of his hand, Upon which -his cutlass dropped, and he remained defenceless. I know not with -what cruelty my rage might have inspired me, if I had not at that -instant been felled to the ground by a blow on the back part of -my head, which deprived me of all sensation. In this deplorable -situation, exposed to the rage of an incensed barbarian, and the -rapine of an inhuman crew, I remained for some time; and whether -any disputes arose among them during the state of my annihilation, -I cannot pretend to determine; but in one particular they seemed to -have been unanimous, and acted with equal dexterity and dispatch; -for when I recovered the use of my understanding, I found myself -alone in a desolate place, stripped of my clothes, money, watch, -buckles, and everything but my shoes, stockings, breeches and -shirt. What a discovery must this have been to me, who, but an -hour before, was worth sixty guineas in cash! I cursed the hour -of my birth, the parents that gave me being, the sea that did not -swallow me up, the poniard of the enemy, which could not find the -way to my heart, the villainy of those who had left me in that -miserable condition; and in the ecstacy of despair resolved to be -still where I was, and perish. - - - - - -CHAPTER XXXVIII - - - - -I get up and crawl into a barn, where I am in danger of perishing, -through the fear of the country people--their inhumanity--I am -succoured by a reputed witch--her story--her advice--she recommends -me as a valet to a single lady, whose character she explains - - -But as I lay ruminating, my passion insensibly abated; I considered -my situation in quite another light, from that in which it appeared -to me at first, and the result of my deliberation was to rise if I -could, and crawl to the next inhabited place for assistance. With -some difficulty I got upon my legs, and having examined my body, -found I had received no other injury than two large contused wounds, -one on the fore and another on the hinder part of my head, which -seemed to be occasioned by the same weapon, namely, the butt-end -of a pistol. I looked towards the sea, but could discern no remains -of the ship; so that I concluded she was gone to pieces, and that -those who remained in her had perished: but, as I afterwards learned, -the gunner, who had more sagacity than Crampley, observing that it -was flood when he left her, and that she would probably float at -high water, made no noise about getting on shore, but continued on -deck, in hopes of bringing her safe into some harbour, after her -commander should have deserted her, for which piece of service -he expected, no doubt, to be handsomely rewarded. This scheme he -accordingly executed, and was promised great things by the Admiralty -for saving his Majesty's ship: but I never heard he reaped the -fruits of his expectation. As for my own part, I directed my course -towards a small cottage I perceived, and in the road picked up a -seaman's old jacket, which I suppose the thief who dressed himself -in my clothes had thrown away: this was a very comfortable acquisition -to me, who was almost stiff with cold: I therefore put it on; and, -as my natural heat revived, my wounds, which had left off bleeding, -burst out afresh; so that, finding myself excessively exhausted, -I was about to lie down in the fields, when I discovered a barn on -my left hand, within a few yards of me; thither I made shift to -stagger, and finding the door open, went in, but saw nobody; however, -I threw myself upon a truss of straw, hoping to be soon relieved -by some person or other. I had not lain here many minutes, when I -saw a countryman come in with a pitchfork in his hand, which he was -upon the point of thrusting into the straw that concealed me, and -in all probability would have done my business, had I not uttered -a dreadful groan, after having essayed in vain to speak. This -melancholy note alarmed the clown, who started back, and discovering -a body all besmeared with blood, stood trembling, with the pitchfork -extended before him, his hair bristling up, his eyes staring, his -nostrils dilated, and his mouth wide open. At another time I should -have been much diverted by this figure, which preserved the same -attitude very near ten minutes, during which time I made many -unsuccessful efforts to implore his compassion and assistance; but my -tongue failed me, and my language was only a repetition of groans. -At length an old man arrived, who, seeing the other in such a -posture, cried, "Mercy upon en! the leaad's bewitched! why, Dick, -beest thou besayd thyself!" Dick, without moving his eyes from the -object that terrified him, replied, "O vather! vatber! here be -either the devil or a dead mon: I doant know which o'en, but a groans -woundily." The father, whose eyesight was none of the best, pulled -out his spectacles, and, having applied them to his nose reconnoitered -me over his son's shoulder: but no sooner did he behold me, than -he was seized with a fit of shaking, even more violent than Dick's, -and, with a broken accent, addressed me thus: "In the name of the -Vather, Zun, and Holy Ghost, I charge you, an you been Satan, to -be gone to the Red Zen; but an you be a moordered mon, speak, that -you may have a Christom burial." - -As I was not in a condition to satisfy him in this particular, he -repeated his conjuration to no purpose, and they continued a good -while in the agonies of fear. At length the father proposed that -the son should draw nearer, and take a more distinct view of the -apparition; but Dick was of opinion that his father should advance -first, he being an old man past his labour and, if he received any -mischief, the loss would be the smaller; whereas he himself might -escape, and be useful, in his generation. This prudential reason -had no effect upon the senior, who still kept Dick between me and -him. In the meantime I endeavoured to raise one hand as a signal -of distress, but had only strength sufficient to produce a rustling -among the straw, which discomposed the young peasant so much, that -he sprang out at the door, and overthrew his father in his flight. -The old gentleman would not spend time in getting up, but crawled -backwards like a crab, with great speed, till he had got over -the threshold, mumbling exorcisms all the way. I was exceedingly -mortified to find myself in danger of perishing through the ignorance -and cowardice of these clowns; and felt my spirits decay apace, -when an old woman entered the barn, followed by the two fugitives -and with great intrepidity advanced to the place where I lay, -saying, "If it be the devil I fearen not, and for a dead mon a can -do us no harm." When she saw my condition, she cried, "Here be no -devil, but in your en fool's head. Here be a poor miserable wretch -bleeding to death, and if a dies, we must be at the charge of burying -him; therefore, Dick, go vetch the old wheelbarrow and put en in, -and carry en to goodman Hodge's backdoor; he is more able than we -to pay out money upon poor vagrants." Her advice was taken, and -immediately put in execution; I was rolled to the other farmer's door, -where I was tumbled out like a heap of dung; and should certainly -have fallen a prey to the hogs, if my groans had not disturbed -the family, and brought some of them out to view my situation. But -Hodge resembled the Jew more than the good Samaritan, and ordered -me to be carried to the house of the parson, whose business it was -to practise as well as to preach charity; observing that it was -sufficient for him to pay his quota towards the maintenance of -the poor belonging to his own parish. When I was set down at the -vicar's gate, he fell into a mighty passion, and threatened to -excommunicate him who sent, as well as those who brought me, unless -they would move me immediately to another place. About this time -I fainted with the fatigue I had undergone, and afterwards understood -that I was bandied from door to door through a whole village, nobody -having humanity enough to administer the least relief to me, Until -an old woman, who was suspected of witchcraft by the neighbourhood, -hearing of my distress, received me into her house, and, having -dressed my wounds, brought me to myself with cordials of her own -preparing. I was treated with great care and tenderness by this -grave matron, who, after I had recovered some strength, desired to -know the particulars of my last disaster. This piece of satisfaction -I could not refuse to one who had saved my life, therefore related -all my adventures without exaggeration or reserve. She seemed -surprised at the vicissitudes I had undergone, and drew a happy -presage of my future life from my past suffering, then launched out -into the praise of adversity, with so much ardour and good sense, -that I concluded she was a person who had seen better days, and -conceived a longing desire to hear her story. She perceived my drift -by some words I dropped, and smiling told me, there was nothing -either entertaining or extraordinary in the course of her fortune; -but, however, she would communicate it to me, in consideration of -the confidence I had reposed in her. "It is of little consequence," -said she, "to tell the names of my parents, who are dead many -years ago; let it suffice to assure you, they were wealthy, and -had no other child than me; so that I was looked upon as heiress to -a considerable estate, and teased with addresses on that account. -Among the number of my admirers, there was a young gentleman of no -fortune, whose sole dependence was on his promotion in the army, in -which, at that time, he bore a lieutenant's commission. I conceived -an affection for this amiable officer, which, in a short time, -increased to a violent passion. and without entering into minute -circumstances, married him privately. We had not enjoyed one another -long in stolen interviews, when he was ordered with his regiment -to Flanders; but, before he set out, it was agreed between us, that -we should declare our marriage to my father by letter, and implore -his pardon for the step we had taken without his approbation. This -discovery was made while I was abroad visiting, and just as I was -about to return home, I received a letter from my father, importing -that, since I had acted so undutifully and meanly as to marry -a beggar, without his privity or consent, to the disgrace of his -family as well as the disappointment of his hopes, he renounced me -to the miserable fate I had entailed upon myself, and charged me -never to set foot within his doors again. This rigid sentence was -confirmed by my mother, who, in a postscript, gave me to understand -that her sentiments were exactly conformable to those of my father, -and that I might save myself the trouble of making any applications, -for her resolutions were unalterable. Thunderstruck with my evil -fortune I called a coach, and drove to my husband's lodgings, where -I found him waiting the event of his letter. Though he could easily -divine by my looks the issue of his declaration, he read with great -steadiness the epistle I had received; and with a smile full of -tenderness, which I shall never forget, embraced me, saying, "I -believe the good lady your mother might have spared herself the -trouble of the last part of her postscript. Well, my dear Betty, -you must lay aside all thoughts of a coach, till I can procure the -command of a regiment." This unconcerned behaviour, while it enabled -me to support my reverse of fortune, at the same time endeared -him to me the more, by convincing me of his disinterested views in -espousing me. I was next day boarded in company with the wife of -another officer, who had long been the friend and confidant of my -husband, at a village not far from London, where they parted with -us in the most melting manner, went to Flanders, and were killed -in sight of one another at the battle of the Wood. - -"Why should I tire you with a description of our unutterable -sorrow at the fatal news of this event, the remembrance of which -now fills my aged eyes with tears! When our grief subsided a little, -and reflection came to our aid, we found ourselves deserted by the -whole world, and in danger of perishing by want; whereupon we made -application for the pension, and were put upon the list. Then, -vowing eternal friendship, sold our jewels and superfluous clothes, -retired to this place (which is in the county of Sussex) bought -this little house, where we lived many years in a solitary manner, -indulging our mutual sorrow, till it pleased Heaven to call away -my companion two years ago; since which time I have lingered out -an unhappy being, in hopes of a speedy dissolution, when I promise -myself the eternal reward of all my cares. In the meantime," continued -she, "I must inform you of the character I bear among my neighbours. -My conversation being different from that of the inhabitants of -the village, my recluse way of life, my skill in curing distempers, -which I acquired from books since I settled here, and lastly, -my age having made the common people look upon me as something -preternatural, and I am actually, at this hour, believed to be -a witch. The parson of the parish, whose acquaintance I have not -been at much pains to cultivate, taking umbrage at my supposed -disrespect, has contributed not a little towards the confirmation -of this opinion, by dropping certain hints to my prejudice among -the vulgar, who are also very much scandalised at my entertaining -this poor tabby cat with the collar about her neck, which was a -favourite of my deceased companion." - -The whole behaviour of this venerable person was so primitive, -innocent, sensible, and humane, that I contracted a filial respect -for her, and begged her advice with regard to my future conduct, -as soon as I was in a condition to act for myself. She dissuaded -me from a design I had formed of travelling to Louder, in hopes of -retrieving my clothes and pay, by returning to my ship, which by -this time I read in the newspaper was safely arrived in the River -Thames: "because," said she, "you run the hazard of being treated -not only as a deserter in quitting the sloop, but also as a mutineer, -in assaulting your commanding officer, to the malice of whose revenge -you will moreover be exposed." She then promised to recommend me, -as servant to a single lady of her acquaintance, who lived in the -neighbourhood with her nephew, who was a young foxhunter of great -fortune, where I might be very happy, provided I could bear with -the disposition and manners of my mistress, which were somewhat -whimsical and particular. But, above all things, she counselled -me to conceal my story, the knowledge of which would effectually -poison my entertainment; for it was a maxim, among most people of -condition, that no gentleman ought to be admitted into a family -as a domestic, lest he become lazy, and insolent. I was fain to -embrace this humble proposal, because my affairs were desperate; -and in a few days was hired by this lady, to serve in quality of -her footman, having been represented by my hostess as a young man -who was bred up to the sea by his relations against his will, and -had suffered shipwreck, which had increased his disgust to that -way of life so much, that he rather chose to go to service on -shore, than enter himself on board of any other ship. Before I took -possession of my new place, she gave me a sketch of my mistress's -character, that I might know better how to regulate my conduct. - -"Your lady," said she, "is a maiden of forty years, not so remarkable -for her beauty as her learning and taste, which is famous all over -the country. Indeed, she is a perfect female virtuoso, and so eager -after the pursuit of knowledge that she neglects her person even -to a degree of sluttishness; this negligence, together with her -contempt of the male part of the creation, gives her nephew no great -concern, as by these means he will probably keep her fortune, which -is considerable. in the family. He therefore permits her to live -in her own way, which is something extraordinary, and gratifies her -in all her whimsical desires. Her apartment is at some distance from -the other inhabited parts of the house; and consists of a dining-room, -bedchamber, and study; she keeps a cook maid, a waiting-woman, and -footman, of her own, and seldom eats or converses with any of the -family but her niece, who is a very lovely creature, and humours -her aunt often to the prejudice of her own health by sitting up -with her whole nights together; for your mistress is too much of -a philosopher to be swayed by the custom of the world, and never -sleeps nor eats like other people. Among other odd notions, she -professes the principles of Rosicrucius, and believes the earth, -air, and sea, are inhabited by invisible beings, with whom it -is possible for the human species to entertain correspondence and -intimacy, on the easy condition of living chaste. As she hopes one -day to be admitted into an acquaintance of this kind, she no sooner -heard of me and my cat, than she paid me a visit, with a view, -as she has since owned, to be introduced to my familiar; and was -greatly mortified to find herself disappointed in her expectation. -Being by this visionary turn of mind abstracted as it were from -the world, she cannot advert to the common occurrences of life; -and therefore is frequently so absent as to commit very strange -mistakes and extravagancies, which you will do well to rectify and -repair, as your prudence shall suggest." - - - - - -CHAPTER XXXIX - - - - -My Reception by that Lady--I become enamoured of Narcissa--recount -the particulars of my last misfortune-acquire the good opinion of -my Mistress--an Account of the young Squire--I am made acquainted with -more particulars of Narcissa's Situation--conceive a mortal hatred -against Sir Timothy--examine my Lady's library and performances--her -extravagant behaviour - - -Fraught with these useful instructions, I repaired to the place -of her habitation, and was introduced by the waiting-woman to the -presence of my lady, who had not before seen me. She sat in her -study, with one foot on the ground, and the other upon a high stool -at some distance from her seat; her sandy locks hung down, in a -disorder I cannot call beautiful, from her head, which was deprived -of its coif, for the benefit of scratching with one hand, while -she held the stump of a pen in the other. Her forehead was high and -wrinkled; her eyes were large, gray, and prominent; her nose was -long, and aquiline: her mouth of vast capacity, her visage meagre -and freckled, and her chin peaked like a shoemaker's paring knife; -her upper lip contained a large quantity of plain Spanish, which, -by continual falling, had embroidered her neck, that was not -naturally very white, and the breast of her gown, that flowed loose -about her with a negligence that was truly poetic, discovering linen -that was very fine, and, to all appearance, never washed but in -Castalian streams. Around her lay heaps of books, globes, quadrants, -telescopes, and other learned apparatus; her snuff-box stood at -her right hand: at her left hand lay her handkerchief, sufficiently -used, and a convenience to spit in appeared on one side of her -chair. She being in a reverie when we entered, the maid did not think -proper to disturb her; so that we waited some minutes unobserved, -during which time she bit the quill several times, altered -her position, made many wry faces, and, at length, with an air of -triumph, repeated aloud: - -"Nor dare th'immortal gods my rage oppose!" - -Having committed her success to paper, she turned towards the -door, and perceiving us, cried, "What's the matter?" "Here's the -young man," replied my conductress, "whom Mrs. Sagely recommended -as a footman to your ladyship." On this information she stared in -my face for a considerable time, and then asked my name, which I -thought proper to conceal under that of John Brown. After having -surveyed me with a curious eye, she broke out into, "O! ay, thou -wast shipwrecked, I remember. Whether didst thou come on shore on -the back of a whale or a dolphin?" To this I answered, I had swam -ashore without any assistance. Then she demanded to know if I had -ever been at the Hellespont, and swam from Sestos to Abydos. I -replied in the negative; upon which she bade the maid order a suit -of new livery for me, and instruct me in the articles of my duty: -so she spit in her snuff-box, and wiped her nose with her cap, -which lay on the table, instead of a handkerchief. - -We returned to the kitchen, where I was regaled by the maids, who -seemed to vie with each other in expressing their regard for me; -and from them I understood, that my business consisted in cleaning -knives and forks, laying the cloth, waiting at table, carrying -messages, and attending my lady when she went abroad. There was -a very good suit of livery in the house, which had belonged to my -predecessor deceased, and it fitted me exactly; so that there was -no occasion for employing a tailor on my account. I had not been -long equipped in this manner, when my lady's bell rung; upon which, I -ran up stairs, and found her stalking about the room in her shift -and under petticoat only; I would immediately have retired as became -me, but she bade me come in, and air a clean shift for her; which -operation I having performed with some backwardness, she put it on -before me without any ceremony, and I verily believe was ignorant -of my sex all that time, as being quite absorbed in contemplation. -About four o'clock in the afternoon I was ordered to lay the cloth, -and place two covers, which I understood were for my mistress -and her niece, whom I had not as yet seen. Though I was not very -dexterous at this work, I performed it pretty well for a beginner, -and, when dinner was upon the table, saw my mistress approach, -accompanied by the young lady, whose name for the present shall -be Narcissa. So much sweetness appeared in the countenance and -carriage of this amiable apparition, that my heart was captivated -at first sight, and while dinner lasted, I gazed upon her without -intermission. Her age seemed to be seventeen, her stature tall, -her shape unexceptionable, her hair, that fell down upon her ivory -neck in ringlets, black as jet; her arched eyebrows of the same -colour; her eyes piercing, yet tender; her lips of the consistence -and hue of cherries; her complexion clear, delicate and healthy; -her aspect noble, ingenuous, and humane; and the whole person so -ravishingly delightful, that it was impossible for any creature -endued with sensibility, to see without admiring, and admire without -loving her to excess. I began to curse the servile station that -placed me so far beneath the regard of this idol of my adoration! -and yet I blessed my fate, that enabled me to enjoy daily the sight -of so much perfection! When she spoke I listened with pleasure; -but when she spoke to me, my soul was thrilled with an extacy of -tumultuous joy. I was even so happy as to be the subject of their -conversation; for Narcissa, having observed me, said to her aunt, -"I see your new footman is come." Then addressing herself to me, -asked, with ineffable complacency, if I was the person who had been -so cruelly used by robbers? When I had satisfied her in this; she -expressed a desire of knowing the other particulars of my fortune, -both before and since my being shipwrecked: hereupon (as Mrs. Sagely -had counselled me) I told her that I had been bound apprentice -to the master of a ship, contrary to my inclination, which ship -had foundered at sea; that I and four more, who chanced to be on -deck when she went down, made shift to swim to the shore, when my -companions, after having overpowered me, stripped me to the shirt, -and left me, as they imagined, dead of the wounds I received in my -own defence. Then I related the circumstances of being found in a -barn, with the inhuman treatment I met with from the country people -and parson; the description of which, I perceived, drew tears from -the charming creature's eyes. When I had finished my recital, my -mistress, said, "Ma foi! le garcon est bien fait!" To which opinion -Narcissa assented, with a compliment to my understanding, in the -same language, that flattered my vanity extremely. - -The conversation, among other subjects, turned upon the young -squire, whom my lady inquired after under the title of the Savage; -and was informed by her niece that he was still in bed, repairing -the fatigue of last night's debauch, and recruiting strength and -spirits to undergo a fox chase to-morrow morning, in company with -Sir Timothy Thicket, Squire Bumper, and a great many other gentlemen -of the same stamp, whom he had invited on that occasion! so that -by daybreak the whole house would be in an uproar. This was a very -disagreeable piece of news to the virtuoso, who protested she would -stuff her ears with cotton when she went to bed, and take a dose -of opium to make her sleep the more sound, that she might not be -disturbed and distracted by the clamour of the brutes. - -When their dinner was over, I and my fellow servants sat down to -ours in the kitchen, where I understood that Sir Timothy Thicket was -a wealthy knight in the neighbourhood, between whom and Narcissa a -match had been projected by her brother, who promised at the same -time to espouse Sir Timothy's sister; by which means, as their -fortunes were pretty equal, the young ladies would be provided -for, and their brothers be never the poorer; but that the ladies -did not concur in the scheme, each of them entertaining a hearty -contempt for the person allotted to her for a husband by this -agreement. This information begat in me a mortal aversion to Sir -Timothy, whom I looked upon as my rival, and cursed in my heart -for his presumption. - -Next morning, by daybreak, being awakened by the noise of the -hunters and hounds, I rose to view the cavalcade, and had a sight -of my competitor, whose accomplishments (the estate excluded) did -not seem brilliant enough to give me much uneasiness with respect -to Narcissa, who, I flattered myself, was not to be won by such -qualifications as he was master of, either as to person or mind. -My mistress, notwithstanding her precaution, was so much disturbed -by her nephew's company, that she did not rise till five o'clock -in the afternoon; so that I had an opportunity of examining her -study at leisure, to which examination I was strongly prompted by -my curiosity. Here I found a thousand scraps of her own poetry, -consisting of three, four, ten, twelve, and twenty lines, on -an infinity of subjects, which, as whim inspired, she had begun, -without constancy or capacity to bring to any degree of composition: -but, what was very extraordinary in a female poet, there was not -the least mention made of love in any of her performances. I counted -fragments of five tragedies, the titles of which were "The Stern -Philosopher," "The Double," "The Sacrilegious Traitor," "The Fall -of Lucifer," and "The Last Day." From whence I gathered, that her -disposition was gloomy, and her imagination delighted with objects -of horror. Her library was composed of the best English historians, -poets, and philosophers; of all the French critics and poets, and -of a few books in Italian, chiefly poetry, at the head of which were -Tasso and Ariosto, pretty much used. Besides these, translations -of the classics into French, but not one book in Greek or Latin; -a circumstance that discovered her ignorance in these languages. - -After having taken a full view of this collection, I retired, and at -the usual time was preparing to lay the cloth, when I was told by -the maid that her mistress was still in bed, and had been so affected -with the notes of the hounds in the morning, that she actually -believed herself a hare beset by the hunters, and begged a few -greens to munch for breakfast. When I expressed my surprise in this -unaccountable imagination she gave me to understand that her lady -was very much subject to whims of this nature; sometimes fancying -herself an animal, sometimes a piece of furniture, during which -conceited transformations it was very dangerous to come near her, -especially when she represented a beast; for that lately, in the -character of a cat, she had flown at her, and scratched her face -in a terrible manner: that some months ago, she prophesied the -general conflagration was at hand, and nothing would be able to -quench it but her water, which therefore she kept so long, that her -life was in danger, and she must needs have died of the retention, -had they not found an expedient to make her evacuate, by kindling -a bonfire under her chamber window and persuading her that the house -was in flames: upon which, with great deliberation, she bade them -bring all the tubs and vessels they could find to be filled for -the preservation of the house, into one of which she immediately -discharged the cause of her distemper. I was also informed that -nothing contributed so much to the recovery of her reason as music, -which was always administered on those occasions by Narcissa, who -played perfectly well on the harpsichord, and to whom she (the maid) -was just then going to intimate her aunt's disorder. - -She was no sooner gone than I was summoned by the bell to my lady's -chamber, where I found her sitting squat on her hands on the floor, -in the manner of puss when she listens to the outcries of her -pursuers. When I appeared, she started up with an alarmed look, -and sprang to the other side of the room to avoid me, whom, without -doubt, she mistook for a beagle thirsting after her life. Perceiving -her extreme confusion, I retired, and on the staircase met the -adorable Narcissa coming up, to whom I imparted the situation of my -mistress; she said not a word, but smiling with unspeakable grace, -went into her aunt's apartment, and in a little time my ears were -ravished with the efforts of her skill. She accompanied the instrument -with a voice so sweet and melodious, that I did not wonder at the -surprising change it produced on the spirits of my mistress which -composed to peace and sober reflection. - -About seven o'clock, the hunters arrived with the skins of two foxes -and one badger, carried before them as trophies of their success; -and when they were about to sit down to dinner (or supper) Sir -Timothy Thicket desired that Narcissa would honour the table with -her presence; but this request, notwithstanding her brother's -threats and entreaties, she refused, on pretence of attending her -aunt, who was indisposed; so I enjoyed the satisfaction of seeing -my rival mortified: but this disappointment made no great impression -on him, who consoled himself with the bottle, of which the whole -company became so enamoured that, after a most horrid uproar of -laughing, singing, swearing, and fighting, they were all carried to -bed in a state of utter oblivion. My duty being altogether detached -from the squire and his family, I led a pretty easy and comfortable -life, drinking daily intoxicating draughts of love from the charms -of Narcissa, which brightened on my contemplation every day more -and more. Inglorious as my station was, I became blind to my own -unworthiness, and even conceived hopes of one day enjoying this amiable -creature, whose, affability greatly encouraged these presumptuous -thoughts. - - - - - -CHAPTER XL - - - -My mistress is surprised at my learning--communicates her performances -to me--I impart some of mine to her--am mortified at her faint -praise--Narcissa approves of my conduct--I gain an involuntary -conquest over the cookwench and dairymaid--their mutual resentment -and insinuations--the jealousy of their lovers - - -During this season of love and tranquillity, my muse, which had lain -dormant so long, awoke, and produced several small performances on -the subject of my flame. But as it concerned me nearly to remain -undiscovered in my character and sentiments, I was under a necessity -of mortifying my desire of praise, by confining my works to my own -perusal and applause. In the meantime I strove to insinuate myself -into the good opinion of both ladies; and succeeded so well, by -my diligence and dutiful behaviour, that in a little time I was at -least a favourite servant; and frequently enjoyed the satisfaction -of hearing myself mentioned in French and Italian, with some -degree of warmth and surprise by the dear object of all my wishes, -as a person who had so much of the gentleman in my appearance and -discourse, that she could not for her soul treat me like a common -lacquey. My prudence and modesty were not long proof against these -bewitching compliments. One day, while I waited at dinner, the -conversation turned upon a knotty passage of Tasso's Gierusalem, which, -it seems, had puzzled them both: after a great many unsatisfactory -conjectures, my mistress, taking the book out of her pocket, turned -up the place in question, and read the sentence over and over without -success; at length, despairing of finding the author's meaning, she -turned to me, saying, "Come hither, Bruno; let us see what fortune -will do for us: I will interpret to thee what goes before, and what -follows this obscure paragraph, the particular words of which I -will also explain, that thou mayst, by comparing one with another, -guess the sense of that which perplexes us." I was too vain -to let slip this opportunity of displaying my talents; therefore, -without hesitation, read and explained the whole of that which had -disconcerted them, to the utter astonishment of both. Narcissa's -face and lovely neck were overspread with blushes, from which I -drew a favourable opinion, while her aunt, after having stared at -me a good while with a look of amazement, exclaimed, "In the name -of heaven who art thou?" I told her I had picked up a smattering -of Italian, during a voyage up the Straits. At this explanation -she shook her head, and observed that no smatterer could read as -I had done. She then desired to know if I understood French. To -which question I answered in the affirmative. She asked if I was -acquainted with the Latin and Greek? I replied, "A little." "Oho!" -continued she, "and with philosophy and mathematics, I suppose?" -I owned I knew something of each. Then she repeated her stare and -interrogation. I began to repent of my vanity, and in order to -repair the fault I committed, said, it was not to be wondered at -if I had a tolerable education, for learning was so cheap in my -country, that every peasant was a scholar; but, I hoped her Ladyship -would think my understanding no exception to my character. "No, -no, God forbid." But during the rest of the time they sat at table, -they behaved with remarkable reserve. - -This alteration gave me great uneasiness; and I passed the night -without sleep, in melancholy reflections on the vanity of young men, -which prompts them to commit so many foolish actions, contrary to -their own sober judgment. Next day, however, instead of profiting -by this self-condemnation, I yielded still more to the dictates -of the principle I had endeavoured to chastise, and if fortune had -not befriended me more than prudence could expect, I should have -been treated with the contempt it deserved. After breakfast my -lady, who was a true author, bade me follow her into the study, -where she expressed herself thus: "Since you are so learned, you -cannot be void of taste; therefore I am to desire your opinion of -a small performance in poetry, which I lately composed. You must -know that I have planned a tragedy, the subject of which shall be, -the murder of a prince before the altar, where he is busy at his -devotions. After the deed is perpetrated, the regicide will harangue -the people with the bloody dagger in his hand; and I have already -composed a speech, which, I think, will suit the character extremely. -Here it is." Then, taking up a scrap of paper, she read, with -violent emphasis and gesture, as follows:-- - - - "Thus have I sent the simple King to hell, - Without or coffin, shroud, or passing bell: - To me what are divine and human laws? - I court no sanction but my own applause! - Rapes, robberies, treasons, yield my soul delight, - And human carnage gratifies my sight: - I drag the parent by the hoary hair, - And toss the sprawling infant on the spear, - While the fond mother's cries regale my ear. - I fight, I vanquish, murder friends and foes; - Nor dare the immortal gods my rage oppose." - - -Though I did great violence to my understanding in praising this -unnatural rhapsody, I nevertheless extolled it as a production -that of itself deserved immortal fame; and besought her ladyship -to bless the world with the fruits of those uncommon talents Heaven -had bestowed upon her. She smiled with a look of self-complacency, -and encouraged by the incense I had offered, communicated all her -poetical works which I applauded, one by one, with as little candour -as I had shown at first. Satiated with my flattery, which I hope -my situation justified, she could not in conscience refuse me an -opportunity of shining in my turn: and, therefore, after a compliment -to my nice discernment and taste, observed, that doubtless I must -have produced something in that way myself, which she desired to -see. This was temptation I could by no means resist. I owned that -while I was at college I wrote some detached pieces, at the desire -of a friend who was in love; and at her request repeated the -following verses, which indeed my love for Narcissa had inspired:-- - - - On Celia, - - Playing on the harpsichord and singing. - - When Sappho struck the quivering wire, - The throbbing breast was all on fire: - And when she raised the vocal lay, - The captive soul was charm'd away. - - But had the nymph possessed with these - Thy softer, chaster, power to please; - Thy beauteous air of sprightly youth, - Thy native smiles of artless truth; - - The worm of grief had never preyed - On the forsaken love-sick maid: - Nor had she mourn'd a hapless flame, - Nor dash'd on rocks her tender frame. - - -My mistress paid me a cold compliment on the versification, which, -she said, was elegant enough, but, the subject beneath the pen of -a true poet. I was extremely nettled at her indifference, and looked -at Narcissa, who by this time had joined us, for her approbation; -but she declined giving her opinion, protesting she was no judge -of these matters; so that I was forced to retire very much balked -in my expectation, which was generally a little too sanguine. In -the afternoon, however, the waiting-maid assured me that Narcissa -had expressed her approbation of my performance with great warmth, -and desired her to procure a copy of it as for herself, that she -(Narcissa) might have an opportunity to peruse it at pleasure. -I was elated to an extravagant pitch at this intelligence, and -immediately transcribed a fair copy of my Ode, which was carried -to the dear charmer, together with another on the same subject, as -follows:-- - - - Thy fatal shaft unerring move; - I bow before thine altar, Love! - I feel thou soft resistless flame - Glide swift through all my vital frame! - - For while I gaze my bosom glows, - My blood in tides impetuous flows; - Hope, fear, and joy alternate roll, - And floods of transports 'whelm my soul! - - My faltering tongue attempts in vain - In soothing murmurs to complain; - My tongue some secret magic ties, - My murmurs sink in broken sighs. - - Condemn'd to nurse eternal care, - And ever drop the silent tear, - Unheard I mourn, unknown I sigh, - Unfriended live, unpitied die! - - -Whether or not Narcissa discovered my passion, I could not learn from -her behaviour, which, though always benevolent to me was henceforth -more reserved and less cheerful. While my thoughts aspired to a -sphere so far above me, I had unwittingly made a conquest of the -cookwench and dairymaid, who became so jealous of each other that, -if their sentiments had been refined by education, it is probable -one or other of them would have had recourse to poison or steel to -be avenged of her rival; but, as their minds were happily adapted -to their humble station, their mutual enmity was confined to scolding -and fistcuffs, in which exercise they were both well skilled. My -good fortune did not long remain a secret; for it was disclosed by -the frequent broils of these heroines, who kept no decorum in their -encounters. The coachman and gardener, who paid their devoirs to -my admirers, each to his respective choice, alarmed at my success, -laid their heads together, in order to concert n plan of revenge; -and the former, having been educated at the academy at Tottenham -Court, undertook to challenge me to single combat. He accordingly, -with many opprobrious invectives, bade me defiance, and offered -to box me for twenty guineas. I told him that, although I believed -myself a match for him even at that work I would not descend so far -below the dignity of a gentleman as to fight like a porter; but if -he had anything to say to me, I was his man at blunderbuss, musket, -pistol, sword, hatchet, spit, cleaver, fork, or needle; nay, -I swore, that should he give his tongue any more saucy liberties -at my expense, I would crop his ears without any ceremony. This -rhodomontade, delivered with a stern countenance and resolute tone, -had the desired effect upon my antagonist, who, with some confusion, -sneaked off, and gave his friend an account of his reception. - -The story, taking air among the servants, procured for me the title -of Gentleman John, with which I was sometimes honoured, even by my -mistress and Narcissa, who had been informed of the whole affair -by the chambermaid. In the meantime, the rival queens expressed -their passion by all the ways in their power: the cook entertained -me with choice bits, the dairymaid with strokings: the first would -often encourage me to declare myself, by complimenting me upon my -courage and learning, and observing, that if she had a husband like -me, to maintain order and keep accounts, she could make a great deal -of money, by setting up an eating-house in London for gentlemen's -servants on board wages. The other courted my affection by showing -her own importance, and telling me that many a substantial farmer -in the neighbourhood would be glad to marry her, but she was resolved -to please her eye, if she should plague her heart. Then she would -launch out into the praise of my proper person, and say, she was -sure I would make a good husband, for I was very good-natured. I -began to be uneasy at the importunities of these inamoratas, whom, -at another time perhaps, I might have pleased without the disagreeable -sauce of matrimony, but, at present, my whole soul was engrossed -by Narcissa; and I could not bear the thoughts of doing anything -derogatory to the passion I entertained for her. - - - - - -CHAPTER XLI - - - - -Narcissa being in danger from the brutality of Sir Timothy, is -rescued by me, who revenge myself on my rival--I declare my passion, -and retreat to the seaside--am surrounded by smugglers, and carried -to Boulogne--find my Uncle Lieutenant Bowling in great distress, -and relieve him--our conversation - - -At certain intervals my ambition would revive; I would despise myself -for my tame resignation to my sordid fate, and revolve a hundred -schemes for assuming the character of a gentleman, to which I -thought myself entitled by birth and education. In these fruitless -suggestions time stole away unperceived, and I had already remained -eight months in the station of a footman, when an accident happened -that put an end to my servitude, and, for the present, banished -all hopes of succeeding in my love. - -Narcissa went one day to visit Miss Thicket, who lived with her -brother within less than a mile of our house, and was persuaded to -walk home in the cool of the evening, accompanied by Sir Timothy, -who, having a good deal of the brute in him, was instigated to use -some unbecoming familiarities with her, encouraged by the solitariness -of a field through which they passed. The lovely creature was -incensed at his rude behaviour for which she reproached him in such -a manner that he lost all regard to decency, and actually offered -violence to this pattern of innocence and beauty. But Heaven -would not suffer so much goodness to be violated, and sent me, who, -passing by accident near the place, was alarmed with her cries, -for her succour. What were the emotions of my soul, when I beheld -Narcissa almost sinking beneath the brutal force of this satyr! I -flew like lightning to her rescue, and he, perceiving me, quitted -his prey, and drew his hanger to chastise my presumption. My -indignation was too high to admit one thought of fear, so that, -rushing upon him, I struck his weapon out of his hand, and used my -cudgel so successfully that he fell to the ground, and lay, to all -appearance, without sense. Then I turned to Narcissa, who had swooned, -and sitting down by her, gently raised her head, and supported it -on my bosom, while, with my hand around her waist, I kept her in -that position. My soul was thrilled with tumultuous joy, at feeling -the object of my dearest wishes within my arms; and, while she lay -insensible, I could not refrain from applying my cheeks to hers, -and ravishing a kiss. In a little time the blood began to revisit -her face, she opened her enchanting eyes, and, having recollected -her late situation, said, with a look full of tender acknowledgment, -"Dear John, I am eternally obliged to you!" So saying she made an -effort to rise, in which I assisted her, and she proceeded to the -house, leaning upon me all the way. I was a thousand times tempted -by this opportunity to declare my passion, but the dread of -disobliging her restrained my tongue. We had not moved a hundred -paces from the scene of her distress, when I perceived Sir Timothy -rise and walk homeward--a circumstance which, though it gave me -some satisfaction, inasmuch as I thereby knew I had not killed him, -filled me with just apprehension of his resentment, which I found -myself in no condition to withstand; especially when I considered -his intimacy with our squire, to whom I knew he could justify himself -for what he had done, by imputing it to his love, and desiring his -brother Bruin to take the same liberty with his sister, without -any fear of offence. - -When we arrived at the house, Narcissa assured me she would exert -all her influence in protecting me from the revenge of Thicket, and -likewise engage her aunt in my favour, At the same time, pulling -out her purse, offered it as a small consideration for the service -I had done her. But I stood too much upon the punctilios of love -to incur the least suspicion of being mercenary, and refused the -present, by saying I had merited nothing by barely doing my duty. -She seemed astonished at my disinterestedness, and blushed: I felt -the same suffusion, and, with a downcast eye and broken accent, -told her I had one request to make, which, if her generosity would -grant, I should think myself fully recompensed, for an age of misery. -She changed colour at this preamble, and, with great confusion, -replied, she hoped my good sense would hinder me from asking -anything she was bound in honour to refuse, and therefore bade me -signify my desire. Upon which I kneeled, and engaged to kiss her -hand. She immediately, with an averted look, stretched it out: -I imprinted on it an ardent kiss, and, bathing it with my tears, -cried, "Dear Madam, I am an unfortunate gentleman, and love you -to distraction, but would have died a thousand deaths rather than -make this declaration under such a servile appearance, were I not -determined to yield to the rigour of my fate, to fly from your -bewitching presence, and bury my presumptuous passion in eternal -silence." With these words I rose, and went away before she could -recover her spirits so far as to make any reply. - -My first care was to go and consult Mrs. Sagely, with whom I had -entertained a friendly correspondence ever since I left her house. -When she understood my situation, the good woman, with real concern, -condoled with me on my unhappy fate, and approved of my resolution -to leave the country, as being perfectly well acquainted with the -barbarous disposition of my rival, "who, by this time," said she, -"has no doubt meditated a scheme of revenge. Indeed, I cannot see -how you will be able to elude his vengeance; being himself in the -commission, he will immediately grant warrants for apprehending -you; and, as almost all the people in this country are dependent -on him or his friend, it will be impossible for you to find shelter -among them. If you should be apprehended, he will commit you to -jail, where you may possibly in great misery languish till the next -assizes, and then be transported for assaulting a magistrate." - -While she thus warned me of my danger, we heard a knocking -at the door, which threw us both into great consternation, as in -all probability, it was occasioned by my pursuers; whereupon this -generous old lady, putting two guineas into my hand, with tears in -her eyes, bade me, for God's sake, get out at the back-door and -consult my safety as Providence should direct me. There was no -time for deliberation. I followed her advice, and escaped by the -benefit of a dark night to the seaside, where, while I ruminated on -my next excursion, I was all of a sudden surrounded by armed men, -who, having bound my hands and feet, bade me make no noise on pain -of being shot, and carried me on board of a vessel, which I soon -perceived to be a smuggling cutter. This discovery gave me some -satisfaction at first, because I concluded myself safe from the -resentment of Sir Timothy; but, when I found myself in the hands -of ruffians, who threatened to execute me for a spy, I would have -thought myself happily quit for a year's imprisonment, or even -transportation, It was in vain for me to protest my innocence: I -could not persuade them that I had taken a solitary walk to their -haunt, at such an hour, merely for my own amusement; and I did -not think it my interest to disclose the true cause of my retreat, -because I was afraid they would have made their peace with justice -by surrendering me to the penalty of the law. What confirmed their -suspicion was, the appearance of a custom-house yacht, which gave -them chase, and had well nigh made a prize of their vessel; when they -were delivered from their fears by a thick fog, which effectually -screened them, and favoured their arrival at Boulogne. But, before -they got out of sight of their pursuer, they held a council of -war about me, and some of the most ferocious among them would have -thrown me overboard as a traitor who had betrayed them to their -enemies; but others, more considerate, alleged, that if they put -me to death, and should afterwards be taken, they could expect -no mercy from the legislature, which would never pardon outlawry -aggravated by murder. It was therefore determined by a plurality -of votes, that I should be set on shore in France, and left to -find my way back to England, as I should think proper, this being -punishment sufficient for the bare suspicion of a crime in itself -not capital. - -Although this favourable determination gave me great pleasure, the -apprehension of being robbed would not suffer me to be perfectly -at ease. To prevent this calamity, as soon as I was untied, in -consequence of the aforesaid decision, I tore a small hole in one -of my stockings, into which I dropped six guineas, reserving half -a piece and some silver in my pocket, that, finding something, they -might not be tempted to make any further inquiry. This was a very -necessary precaution, for, when we came within sight of the French -shore, one of the smugglers told me, I must pay for my passage. -To this declaration I replied, that my passage was none of my -own seeking; therefore they could not expect a reward from me for -transporting me into a strange country by force. "D-me!" said the -outlaw, "none of your palaver; but let me see what money you have -got." Ss saying, he thrust his hand into my pocket without any -ceremony, and emptied it of the contents; then, casting an eye -at my hat and wig, which captivated his fancy, he took them off, -clapping his own on my head, declared, that a fair exchange was no -robbery. I was fain to put up with this bargain, which was by no -means favourable to me; and a little while after we went all on -shore together. - -I resolved to take my leave of those desperadoes without much -ceremony, when one of them cautioned me against appearing to their -prejudice if ever I returned to England, unless I had a mind to be -murdered; for which service, he assured me, the gang never wanted -agents. I promised to observe his advice, and departed for the -Upper Town, where I inquired for a cabaret, or public-house, into -which I went, with an intention of taking some refreshment. In the -kitchen, five Dutch sailors sat at breakfast with a large loaf, a -firkin of butter, and a keg of brandy, the bung of which they often -applied to their mouths with great perseverance and satisfaction. -At some distance from them I perceived another person in the same -garb, sitting in a pensive solitary manner, entertaining himself -with a whiff of tobacco, from the stump of a pipe as black as jet. -The appearance of distress never failed to attract my regard and -compassion. I approached this forlorn tar with a view to offer him -my assistance, and, notwithstanding the alteration of dress and -disguise of a long beard, I discovered in him my long lost and -lamented uncle and benefactor, Lieutenant Bowling! Good Heaven! -what were the agitations of my soul, between the joy of finding -again such a valuable friend, and the sorrow of seeing him in such -a low condition! The tears gushed down my cheeks; I stood motionless -and silent for some time. At length, recovering the use of speech, -I exclaimed, "Gracious God! Mr. Bowling!" My uncle no sooner heard -his name mentioned, than he started up, crying, with some surprise, -"Holla!" and, after having looked at me steadfastly, without being -able to recollect me, said, "Did you call me, brother," I told -him I had something extraordinary to communicate, and desired him -to give me the hearing for a few minutes in another room; but he -would by no means consent to this proposal, saying, "Avast there, -friend: none of your tricks upon travellers;--if you have anything -to say to me, do it above board;--you need not be afraid of being -overheard;--here are none who understand our lingo." Though I was loth -to discover myself before company, I could no longer refrain from -telling him I was his own nephew, Roderick Random. On this information, -he considered me with great earnestness and astonishment, and, -recalling my features, which, though enlarged, were not entirely -altered since he had seen me, came up, and shook me by the hand very -cordially, protesting he was glad to see me well. After some pause, -he went on thus; "And yet, my lad, I am sorry to see you under -such colours; the more so, as it is not in my power, at present, to -change them for the better, times being very hard with me," With -these words I could perceive a tear trickle down his furrowed cheek, -which affected me so munch that I wept bitterly. - -Imagining my sorrow was the effect of my own misfortunes, he comforted -me with observing, that life was a voyage in which we must expect -to meet with all weathers; sometimes was calm, sometimes rough; that -a fair gale often succeeded a storm; that the wind did not always -sit one way, and that despair signified nothing; that resolution -and skill were better than a stout vessel: for why? because -they require no carpenter, and grow stronger the more labour they -undergo. I dried up my tears, which I assured him were not shed -for my own distress, but for his, and begged leave to accompany -him into another room, where we could converse more at our ease. -There I recounted to him the ungenerous usage I had met with from -Potion; at which relation he started up, stalked across the room -three or four times in a great hurry, and, grasping his cudgel, -cried, "I would I were alongside of him--that's all--I would I -were alongside of him!" I then gave him a detail of my adventures -and sufferings, which affected him more than I could have imagined; -and concluded with telling him that Captain Oakun was still alive, -and that he might return to England when he would to solicit his -affairs, without danger or molestation. He was wonderfully pleased -with this piece of information, of which, however, he said he -could not at present avail himself, for want of money to pay for -his passage to London. This objection I soon removed, by putting -five guineas into his hand, and telling him I thought myself extremely -happy in having an opportunity of manifesting my gratitude to him -in his necessity. But it was with the utmost difficulty I could -prevail upon him to accept of two, which he affirmed were more than -sufficient to defray the necessary expense. - -After this friendly contest was over, he proposed we should have -a mess of something; "For," said he, "it has been banyan day with -me a great while. You must know I was shipwrecked, five days ago, -near a place called Lisieux, in company with those Dutchmen who -are now drinking below; and having but little money when I came -ashore, it was soon spent, because I let them have share and share -while it lasted. Howsomever, I should have remembered the old saying, -every hog his own apple; for when they found my hold unstowed, -they went all hands to shooling and begging; and, because I would -not take a spell at the same duty, refused to give me the least -assistance; so that I have not broke bread these two days." I was -shocked at the extremity of his distress, and ordered some bread, -cheese, and wine, to be brought immediately, to allay his hunger, -until a fricassee of chickens could be prepared. When he had -recruited his spirits with this homely fare, I desired to know -the particulars of his peregrination since the accident at Cape -Tiberoon, which were briefly these: The money he had about him being -all spent at Port Louis, the civility and hospitality of the French -cooled to such a degree, that he was obliged to list on board one -of their king's ships as a common foremast man, to prevent himself -from starving on shore. In this situation he continued two years, -during which time he had acquired some knowledge of their language, -and the reputation of a good seaman; the ship he belonged to was -ordered home to France, where she was laid up as unfit for service, -and he was received on board one of Monsieur D'Antin's squadron, -in quality of quartermaster; which office he performed in a voyage -to the West Indies, where he engaged with our ship, as before related; -but his conscience upbraiding him for serving the one enemies of -his country, he quitted the ship at the same place where he first -listed, and got to Curacoa in a Dutch vessel; there he bargained -with a skipper, bound to Europe, to work for his passage to Holland, -from whence he was in hopes of hearing from his friends in England; -but was cast away, as he mentioned before, on the French coast, -and must have been reduced to the necessity of travelling on foot -to Holland, and begging for his subsistence on the road, or of -entering on board of another French man-of-war, at the hazard of -being treated as a deserter, if Providence had not sent me to his -succour. "And now, my lad," continued he, "I think I shall steer -my course directly to London, where I do not doubt of being replaced, -and of having the R taken off me by the Lords of the Admiralty, -to whom I intend to write a petition, setting forth my case; if -I succeed, I shall have wherewithal to give you some assistance, -because, when I left the ship, I had two years' pay due to me, -therefore I desire to know whither you are bound: and besides, -perhaps, I may have interest enough to procure a warrant appointing -you surgeon's mate of the ship to which I shall belong--for the -beadle of the Admiralty is my good friend: and he and one of the -under clerks are sworn brothers, and that under clerk has a good -deal to say with one of the upper clerks, who is very well known -to the under secretary, who, upon his recommendation, I hope, will -recommend my affair to the first secretary; and he again will speak -to one of the lords in my behalf; so that you see I do not want -friends to assist me on occasion. As for the fellow Craampley, thof -I know him not, I am sure he is neither seaman nor officer, by what -you have told me, or else he could never be so much mistaken in -his reckoning, as to run the ship on shore on the coast of Sussex -before he believed himself in soundings; neither, when that accident -happened, would he have left the ship until she had been stove to -pieces, especially when the tide was making; wherefore, by this time, -I do suppose, he has been tried by a court-martial, and executed -for his cowardice and misconduct." - -I could not help smiling at the description of my uncle's ladder, -by which he proposed to climb to the attention of the board -of admiralty; and, though I knew the world too well to confide in -such dependence myself, I would not discourage him with doubts, -but asked if he had no friend in London, who would advance a small -sum of money to enable him to appear as he ought, and make a small -present to the under secretary, who might possibly dispatch his -business the sooner on that account. He scratched his head, and after -some recollection, replied, "Why, yes, I believe Daniel Whipcord, -the ship-chandler in Wapping, would not refuse me such a small -matter. I know I can have what credit I want for lodging, liquor, -and clothes; but as to money, I won't be positive. Had honest Block -been living, I should not have been at loss." I was heartily sorry -to find a worthy man so destitute of friends, when he had such need -of them, and looked upon my own situation as less miserable than -his, because I was better acquainted with the selfishness and roguery -of mankind, consequently less liable to disappointment and imposition. - - - - - -CHAPTER XLII - - - - -He takes his passage in a cutter for Deal--we are accosted by a -Priest, who proves to be a Scotchman--his profession on friendship--he -is affronted by the Lieutenant, who afterwards appeases him -by submission--my uncle embarks--I am introduced by a Priest to a -Capuchin, in whose company I set out for Paris--the character of -my fellow traveller--on adventure on the road--I am shocked at his -behaviour - - -When our repast was ended, we walked down to the harbour, where we -found a cutter that was to sail for Deal in the evening, and Mr. -Bowling agreed for his passage. In the meantime, we sauntered about -the town to satisfy our curiosity, our conversation turning on the -subject of my designs, which were not as yet fixed: neither can it -be supposed that my mind was at case, when I found myself reduced -almost to extreme poverty, in the midst of foreigners, among whom -I had not one acquaintance to advise or befriend me. My uncle was -sensible of my forlorn condition, and pressed me to accompany him -to England, where he did not doubt of finding some sort of provision -for me; but besides the other reasons I had for avoiding that -kingdom, I looked upon it, at this time, as the worst country in the -universe for a poor honest man to live in; and therefore determined -to remain in France, at all events. - -I was confirmed in this resolution by a reverend priest, who, passing -by at this time, and overhearing us speak English, accosted us in -the same language, telling us he was our countryman, and wishing it -might be in his power to do us any service. We thanked this grave -person for his courteous offer, and invited him to drink a glass -with us, which he did not think proper to refuse, and we went -altogether into a tavern of his recommending. After having drunk -to our healths in a bumper of good Burgundy, he began to inquire -into our situation, particularly the place of our nativity, which -we no sooner named than he started up, and, wringing our hands with -great fervour, shed a flood of tears, crying, "I come from the same -part of the country! perhaps you are my own relations." I was on -my guard against his caresses, which I suspected very much, when -I remembered the adventure of the money-dropper; but, without any -appearance of diffidence, observed, that, as he was born in that -part of the country, he must certainly know our families, which -(howsoever mean our present appearance might be) were none of -the most obscure or inconsiderable. Then I discovered our names, -to which I found he was no stranger; he had known my grandfather -personally; and, notwithstanding an absence of fifty years from -Scotland, recounted so many particulars of the families in the -neighbourhood, that my scruples were entirely removed, and I thought -myself happy in his acquaintance. In the course of our conversation, -I disclosed my condition without reserve, and displayed my talents -to such advantage, that the old father looked upon me with admiration, -and assured me, that, if I stayed in France, and listened to reason, -I could not fail of making my fortune, to which he would contribute -all in his power. - -My uncle began to be jealous of the Priest's insinuation, and very -abruptly declared, that if ever I should renounce my religion, he -would break off all connection and correspondence with me; for it -was his opinion, that no honest man would swerve from his principles -in which he was bred, whether Turkish, Protestant, or Roman. The -father, affronted at this declaration, with great vehemence began -a long discourse, setting forth the danger of obstinacy, and shutting -one's eyes against the light. He said, that ignorance would be -no plea towards justification, when we had opportunities of being -better informed; and, that, if the minds of people had not been -open to conviction, the Christian religion could not have been -propagated in the world, and we should now be in a state of Pagan -darkness and barbarity: he endeavoured to prove, by some texts of -Scripture and many quotations from the Fathers, that the Pope was -the successor of St. Peter, and vicar of Jesus Christ; that the -church of Rome was the true, holy, catholic church; and that the -Protestant faith was an impious heresy and damnable schism, by -which many millions of souls would suffer everlasting perdition. -When he had finished his sermon, which I thought he pronounced -with more zeal than discretion, he addressed himself to my uncle, -desired to know his objections to what had been said. The lieutenant, -whose attention had been wholly engrossed by his own affairs, took -the pipe out of his mouth, and replied, "As for me, friend, d'ye -see, I have no objection to what you say; it may be either truth -or false, for what I know; I meddle with nobody's affairs but my -own; the gunner to his linstock, and the steersman to the helm, as -the saying is. I trust to no creed but the compass, and do unto -every man as I would be done by; so that I defy the Pope, the -Devil, and the Pretender; and hope to be saved as well as another." -This association of persons gave great offence to the friar, who -protested, in a mighty passion, that if Mr. Bowling had not been -his countryman, he would have caused him to be imprisoned for his -insolence; I ventured to disapprove of my uncle's rashness, and -appeased the old gentleman, by assuring him there was no offence -intended by my kinsman, who, by this time sensible of his error, -shook the injured party by the hand, and asked pardon for the freedom -he had taken. Matters being amicably compromised, he invited us to -come and see him in the afternoon at the convent to which he belonged, -and took his leave for the present; when my uncle recommended -it strongly to me to persevere in the religion of my forefathers, -whatever advantages might propose to myself by a change, which -could not fail of disgracing myself, and dishonouring my family. -I assured him no consideration would induce me to forfeit his -friendship and good opinion on that score; at which assurance he -discovered great satisfaction, and put me in mind of dinner, which -we immediately bespoke, and when it was ready, ate together. - -I imagined my acquaintance with the Scottish priest if properly -managed, might turn out to my advantage, and therefore resolved to -cultivate it as much as I could. With this view we visited him at -his convent, according to his invitation, where he treated us with -wine and sweetmeats, and showed us everything that was remarkable -in the monastery. Having been thus entertained, we took our leave, -though not before I had promised to see him next day, and the time -fixed for my uncle's embarking being come, I accompanied him to the -harbour, and saw him on board. We parted not without tears, after -we had embraced and wished one another all manner of prosperity: -and he entreated me to write to him often, directing to Lieutenant -Bowling, at the sign of the Union Flag, near the Hermitage, London. - -I returned to the house in which we had met, where I passed the -night in a very solitary manner, reflecting on the severity of my -fate, and endeavouring to project some likely scheme of life for the -future; but my invention failed me; I saw nothing but insurmountable -difficulties in my way, and was ready to despair at the miserable -prospect! That I might not, however, neglect any probable reason, -I got up in the morning, and went directly to the father, whose -advice and assistance I implored. He received me very kindly, and -gave me to understand, that there was one way of life in which -a person of my talents could not fail of making a great figure. -I guessed his meaning, and told him, once for all, I was fully -determined against any alteration in point of religion; therefore -if his proposal regarded the church, he might save himself the -trouble of explaining it. He shook his head and sighed, saying, -"Ah! son, son, what a glorious prospect is here spoiled by your -stubborn prejudice! Suffer yourself to be persuaded by reason, and -consult your temporal welfare, as well as the concerns of your eternal -soul. I can, by my interest procure your admission as a noviciate -to this convent, where I will superintend and direct you with a -truly paternal affection." Then he launched out into the praises -of a monastic life, which no noise disturbs, no cares molest, and -no danger invades--where the heart is weaned from carnal attachments, -the grosser appetite subdued and chastised, and the soul wafted -to divine regions of philosophy and truth, on the wing of studious -contemplation. But his eloquence was lost upon me, whom two -considerations enabled to withstand his temptation; namely, my -promise to my uncle, and my aversion to an ecclesiastical life; -for as to the difference of religion, I looked upon it as a thing -of too small moment to come in competition with a man's fortune. -Finding me immovable on this head, he told me, he was more sorry -than offended at my noncompliance, and still ready to employ his -good offices in my behalf. "The same erroneous maxims," said he, " -that obstruct your promotion in the church, will infallibly prevent -your advancement in the army; but, if you can brook the condition -of a servant, I am acquainted with some people of rank at Versailles, -to whom I can give you letters of recommendation, that you may be -entertained by some one of them in quality of maitre d'hotel; and -I do not doubt that your qualifications will soon entitle you to a -better provision." I embraced his offer with great eagerness, and -he appointed me to come back in the afternoon, when he would not -only give me letters, but likewise introduce me to a capuchin of -his acquaintance, who intended to set out for Paris next morning -in whose company I might travel, without being at the expense of -one livre during the whole journey. This piece of good news gave me -infinite pleasure; I acknowledged my obligation to the benevolent -father in the most grateful expressions; and he performed his promise -to a tittle, in delivering the letters, and making me acquainted -with the capuchin, with whom I departed next morning by break of -day. - -It was not long before I discovered my fellow traveller to be -a merry facetious fellow, who, notwithstanding his profession and -appearance of mortification, loved good eating and drinking better -than his rosary, and paid more adoration to a pretty girl than to -the Virgin Mary, or St. Genevieve. He was a thick brawny young man, -with red eyebrows, a hook nose, a face covered with freckles; and -his name was Frere Balthazar. His order did not permit him to wear -linen, so that, having little occasion to undress himself, he was -none of the cleanliest animals in the world; and his constitution -was naturally so strongly scented that I always thought it convenient -to keep to the windward of him in our march. As he was perfectly -well known on the road, we fared sumptuously without any cost, and -the fatigue of our journey was much alleviated by the good humour -of my companion, who sang an infinite number of catches on the -subjects of love and wine. We took up our lodging the first night -at a peasant's house not far from Abbeville, where we were entertained -with an excellent ragout, cooked by our landlord's daughters, one -of whom was very handsome. After having eaten heartily and drank -a sufficient quantity of small wine, we were conducted to a barn, -where we found a couple of carpets spread upon clean straw for our -reception. We had not lain in this situation above half-an-hour, when -we heard somebody knock softly at the door, upon which Balthazar -got up, and let in our host's two daughters, who wanted to have -some private conversation with him in the dark. When they had -whispered together some time, the capuchin came to me, and asked if -I was insensible to love, and so hard-hearted as to refuse a share -of my bed to a pretty maid who had a tendre for me? I must own to -my shame, that I suffered myself to be overcome by my passion, and -with great eagerness seized the occasion, when I understood that -the amiable Nanette was to be my bedfellow. In vain did my reason -suggest the respect that I owed to my dear mistress Narcissa; -the idea of that lovely charmer rather increased than allayed the -ferment of my spirits; and the young paysanne had no reason to -complain of my remembrance. Early in the morning, the kind creatures -left us to our repose, which lasted till eight o'clock when we got -up, and were treated at breakfast with chocolate and l'eau-de-vie -by our paramours, of whom we took a tender leave, after my companion -had confessed and given them absolution. - -While we proceeded on our journey, the conversation turned upon the -night's adventure, being introduced by the capuchin, who asked me -how I liked my lodging; I declared my satisfaction, and talked in -rapture of the agreeable Nanette, at which he shook his head, and -smiling said, she was a morceau pour la bonne bouche. "I never -valued myself," continued he, "upon anything so much as the conquest -of Nanette; and, vanity apart, I have been pretty fortunate in my -amours." This information shocked me not a little, as I was well -convinced of his intimacy with her sister; and though I did not -care to tax him with downright incest, I professed my astonishment -at his last night's choice, when, I supposed, the other was at -his devotion. To this hint he answered that, besides his natural -complaisance to the sex, he had another reason to distribute his -favours equally between them, namely, to preserve peace in the -family, which could not otherwise be maintained; that, moreover, -Nanette had conceived an affection for me, and he loved her too well -to balk her inclination; more especially, when he had an opportunity -of obliging his friend at the same time. I thanked him for this -instance of his friendship, though I was extremely disgusted at -his want of delicacy, and cursed the occasion that threw me in his -way. Libertine as I was, I could not bear to see a man behave so -wide of the character he assumed. I looked upon him as a person -of very little worth or honesty, and should even have kept a wary -eye upon my pocket, if I had thought he could have had any temptation -to steal. But I could not conceive the use of money to a capuchin, -who is obliged, by the rules of his order, to appear like a beggar, -and enjoy all other necessaries of life gratis; besides, my fellow -traveller seemed to be of a complexion too careless and sanguine -to give me any apprehension on that score; so that I proceeded with -great confidence, in expectation of being soon at my journey's end. - - - - - -CHAPTER XLIII - - - - -We lodge at a House near Amiens, where I am robbed by the Capuchin, -who escapes while I am asleep--I go to Noyons in search of him, -but without Success--make my Condition known to several People, but -find no Relief--grow desperate--find a Company of Soldiers--Enlist -in the Regiment of Picardy--we are ordered into Germany--I find the -Fatigues of the March almost intolerable--Quarrel with my Comrade -in a dispute about Politics--he challenges me to the Field--wounds -and disarms me - - -The third night of our pilgrimage we passed at a house near Amiens, -where being unknown, we supped upon indifferent fare and sour wine, -and were fain to be in a garret upon an old mattress, which, I -believe had been in the possession of ten thousand myriads of fleas -time out of mind. We did not invade their territory with impunity; -in less than a minute we were attacked by stings innumerable, -in spite of which, however, I fell fast asleep, being excessively -fatigued with our day's march, and did not wake till nine next -morning, when, seeing myself alone, I started up in a terrible -fright, and, examining my pockets, found my presaging fear too -true! My companion had made free with my cash, and left me to seek -my way to Paris by myself! I ran down stairs immediately; and, with -a look full of grief and amazement, inquired for the mendicant, -who, they gave me to understand, had set out four hours before, -after having told them I was a little indisposed, and desired I -might not be disturbed, but be informed when I should wake, that -he had taken the road to Noyons, where he would wait for my coming, -at the Coq d'Or. I spoke not a word, but with a heavy heart directed -my course to that place, at which I arrived in the afternoon, fainting -with weariness and hunger; but learned to my utter confusion, that -no such person had been there! It was happy for me that I had a -good deal of resentment in my constitution, which animated me on -such occasions against the villainy of mankind, and enabled me to -bear misfortunes, otherwise intolerable. Boiling with indignation, -I discovered to the host my deplorable condition, and inveighed -with great bitterness against the treachery of Balthazar; at which -he shrugged up his shoulders, and with a peculiar grimace on his -countenance, said, he was sorry for my misfortune, but there was -no remedy like patience. At that instant some guests arrived, to -whom he hastened to offer his service, leaving me mortified at his -indifference, and fully persuaded that an innkeeper is the same -sordid animal all the world over. - -While I stood in the porch forlorn and undetermined, venting -ejaculations of curses against the thief who had robbed me, and the -old priest who recommended him to my friendship, a young gentleman -richly dressed, attended by a valet de chambre and two servants in -livery, arrived at the inn. I thought I perceived a great deal of -sweetness and good-nature in his countenance; therefore. he had no -sooner alighted than I accosted him, and, in a few words, explained -my situation: he listened with great politeness, and, when I made -an end of my story, said, "Well, monsieur, what would you have me -to do?" I was effectually abashed at this interrogation, which, I -believe, no man of common sense or generosity could make, and made -no other compliment than a low bow: he returned the compliment -still lower, and tripped into an apartment, while the landlord let -me know that my standing there to interrupt company gave offence, -and might do him infinite prejudice. He had no occasion to repeat -his insinuation; I moved from the place immediately, and was so -much transported with grief, anger, and disdain, that a torrent of -blood gushed from my nostrils. In this ecstacy, I quitted Noyons, -and betook myself to the fields, where I wandered about like one -distracted, till my spirits were quite exhausted, and I was obliged -to throw myself down at the root of a tree, to rest my wearied limbs. -Here my rage forsook me: I began to feel the importunate cravings -of nature, and relapsed into silent sorrow and melancholy reflection. -I revolved all the crimes I had been guilty of and found them too -few and venial, that I could not comprehend the justice of that -Providence, which, after having exposed me to so much wretchedness -and danger, left me a prey to famine at last in a foreign country, -where I had not one friend or acquaintance to close my eyes, and -do the last offices of humanity to my miserable carcass. A thousand -times I wished myself a bear, that I might retreat to woods and -deserts, far from the inhospitable haunts of man, where I could -live by my own talents, independent of treacherous friends and -supercilious scorn. - -As I lay in this manner, groaning over my hapless fate, I heard the -sound of a violin, and raising my head, perceived a company of men -and women dancing on the grass at some distance from me. I looked -upon this to be a favourable season for distress to attract -compassion, when every selfish thought is banished, and the heart -dilated with mirth and social joy; wherefore I got up, and approached -those happy people, whom I soon discovered to be a party of soldiers, -with their wives and children, unbending and diverting themselves -at this rate, after the fatigue of a march. I had never before seen -such a parcel of scarecrows together, neither could I reconcile -their meagre and gaunt looks, their squalid and ragged attire, and -every other external symptom of extreme woe, with this appearance -of festivity. I saluted them, however, and was received with great -politeness; after which they formed a ring, and danced around me. -This jollity had a wonderful effect upon my spirits. I was infected -with their gaiety, and in spite of my dismal situation, forgot -my cares, and joined in their extravagance. When we had recreated -ourselves a good while at this diversion, the ladies spread their -manteaus on the ground, upon which they emptied their knapsacks -of some onions, coarse bread, and a few flasks of poor wine: being -invited to a share of the banquet, I sat down with the rest, and, -in the whole course of my life, never made a more comfortable meal. -When our repast was ended, we got up again to dance, and, now that -I found myself refreshed I behaved to the admiration of everybody; -I was loaded with a thousand compliments and professions of -friendship: the men commended my person and agility, and the women -were loud in the praise of my bonne grace; the sergeant in particular -expressed so much regard for me, and described the pleasures of -a soldier's life to me with so much art, that I began to listen to -his proposal of enlisting me in the service; and the more I considered -my own condition, the more I was convinced of the necessity I was -under to come to a speedy determination. - -Having, therefore, maturely weighed the circumstances pro and con -I signified my consent, and was admitted into the regiment of Picardy, -said to be the oldest corps in Europe. The company to which this -commander belonged was quartered at a village not far off, whither -we marched next day, and I was presented to my captain, who seemed -very well pleased with my appearance, gave me a crown to drink, and -ordered me to be accommodated with clothes, arms, and accoutrements. -Then I sold my livery suit, purchased linen, and, as I was at great -pains to learn the exercise, in a very short time became a complete -soldier. - -It was not long before we received orders to join several more -regiments, and march with all expedition into Germany, in order -to reinforce Mareschal Duc de Noailles, who was then encamped with -his army on the side of the river Mayne, to watch the motions of -the English, Hanoverians, Austrians, and Hessians, under the command -of the Earl of Stair. We began our march accordingly, and then I -became acquainted with that part of a soldier's life to which I had -been hitherto a stranger. It is impossible to describe the hunger -and thirst I sustained, and the fatigue I underwent in a march of -so many hundred miles; during which, I was so much chafed with the -heat and motion of my limbs, that in a very short time the inside -of my thighs and legs were deprived of skin, and I proceeded in -the utmost torture. This misfortune I owed to the plumpness of my -constitution, which I cursed, and envied the withered condition of -my comrades, whose bodies could not spare juice enough to supply a -common issue, and were indeed proof against all manner of friction. -The continual pain I felt made me fretful, and my peevishness was -increased by the mortification of my pride in seeing those miserable -wretches, whom a hard gale of wind would have scattered through -the air like chaff, bear those toils with alacrity under which I -was ready to sink. - -One day, while we enjoyed a halt, and the soldiers with their wives -had gone out to dance, according to custom, my comrade stayed at -home with me on pretence of friendship, and insulted me with his -pity and consolation! He told me that, though I was young and tender -at present, I should soon be seasoned to the service; and he did -not doubt but I should have the honour to contribute in some measure -to the glory of the king. "Have courage, therefore, my child," said -he, "and pray to the good God, that you may be as happy as I am, -who have had the honour of serving Louis the Great, and of receiving -many wounds, in helping to establish his glory." When I looked upon -the contemptible object that pronounced these words, I was amazed -at the infatuation that possessed him; and could not help expressing -my astonishment at the absurdity of a rational who thinks himself -highly honoured, in being permitted to encounter abject poverty, -oppression, famine, disease, mutilation, and evident death merely -to gratify the vicious ambition of a prince, by whom his sufferings -were disregarded, and his name utterly unknown. I observed that, -if his situation were the consequence of compulsion, I would praise -his patience and fortitude in bearing his lot: if he had taken up -arms in defence of his injured country, he was to be applauded for -his patriotism: or if he had fled to this way of life as a refuge -from a greater evil, he was justifiable in his own conscience (though -I could have no notion of misery more extreme than he suffered); -but to put his condition on the footing of conducing to the glory -of his prince, was no more than professing himself a desperate -slave, who voluntarily underwent the utmost wretchedness and peril, -and committed the most flagrant crimes, to soothe the barbarous -pride of a fellow-creature, his superior in nothing but the power -he derived from the submission of such wretches as him. The soldier -was very much affronted at the liberty I took with his king, which, -he said, nothing but my ignorance could excuse: he affirmed that -the characters of princes were sacred, and ought not to be profaned -by the censure of their subjects, who were bound by their allegiance -to obey their commands, of what nature soever, without scruple or -repining; and advised me to correct the rebellious principles I -had imbibed among the English, who, for their insolence to their -kings, were notorious all over the world, even to a proverb. - -In vindication of my countrymen, I repeated all the arguments commonly -used to prove that every man has a natural right to liberty; that -allegiance and protection are reciprocal; that, when the mutual -tie is broken by the tyranny of the king, he is accountable to the -people for his breach of contract, and subject to the penalties of -the law; and that those insurrections of the English, which are -branded with the name of rebellion by the slaves of arbitrary power, -were no other than glorious efforts to rescue that independence -which was their birthright, from the ravenous claws of usurping -ambition. The Frenchman, provoked at the little deference I -paid to the kingly name, lost all patience, and reproached me in -such a manner that my temper forsook me, I clenched my fist, with -an intention to give him a hearty box on the ear. Perceiving my -design, he started back and demanded a parley; upon which I checked -my indignation, and he gave me to understand that a Frenchman never -forgave a blow; therefore, if I were not weary of my life, I would -do well to spare him that mortification, and do him the honour of -measuring his sword with mine, like a gentleman. I took his advice -and followed him to a field hard by, where indeed I was ashamed at -the pitiful figure of my antagonist, who was a poor little shivering -creature, decrepit with age, and blind of one eye. But I soon -found the folly of judging from appearances; being at the second -pass wounded in the sword hand, and immediately disarmed with such -a jerk, that I thought the joint was dislocated. I was no less -confounded than enraged at this event, especially as my adversary -did not bear his success with all the moderation that might have -been expected; for he insisted upon my asking pardon for affronting -his king and him. This proposal I would by no means comply with, -but told him, it was a mean condescension, which no gentleman in -his circumstances ought to propose, nor any in my situation ought -to perform; and that, if he persisted in his ungenerous demand, I -would in my turn claim satisfaction with my musket, when we should -be more upon a par than with the sword, of which he seemed so much -master. - - - - - -CHAPTER XLIV - - - - -In order to be revenged, I learn the Science of Defence--we join -Mareschal Duc de Noailles, are engaged with the Allies of Dettingen, -and put to flight--the behaviour of the French soldiers on that -occasion--I industriously seek another combat with the old Gascon, -and vanquish him in my turn--our regiment is put into Winter Quarters at -Rheims, where I find my friend Strap--our Recognition--he supplies -me with Money, and procures my Discharge--we take a trip to Paris; -from whence, by the way of Flanders, we set out for London; where -we safely arrive - - -He was disconcerted at this declaration, to which he made no reply, -but repaired to the dancers, among whom he recounted his victory -with many exaggerations and gasconades; while I, taking up my sword, -went to my quarters, and examined my wound, which I found was of -no consequence. The same day an Irish drummer, having heard of my -misfortune, visited me, and after having condoled me on the chance -of war, gave me to understand, that he was master of the sword, -and would in a very short time instruct me so thoroughly in that -noble science, that I should be able to chastise the old Gascon -for his insolent boasting at my expense. This friendly office he -proffered on pretence of the regard he had for his countrymen; but -I afterwards learned the true motive was no other than a jealousy -he entertained of a correspondence between the Frenchman and his -wife, which he did not think proper to resent in person. Be this as -it will, I accepted his offer and practised his lessons with such -application, that I soon believed myself a match for my conqueror. -In the meantime we continued our march, and arrived at the Camp -of Mareschal Noailles the night before the battle at Dettingen: -notwithstanding the fatigue we had undergone, our regiment was one -of those that were ordered next day to cross the river, under the -command of the Duc de Grammont, to take possession of a narrow -defile, through which the allies must of necessity have passed at a -great disadvantage, or remain where they were, and perish for want -of provision, if they would not condescend to surrender at discretion. -How they suffered themselves to be pent up in this manner it is -not my province to relate; I shall only observe that, when we had -taken possession of our ground, I heard an old officer in conversation -with another express a surprise at the conduct of Lord Stair, who -had the reputation of a good general. But it seems, at this time, -that nobleman was overruled, and only acted in an inferior character; -so that no part of the blame could be imputed to him, who declared -his disapprobation of the step, in consequence of which the whole -army was in the utmost danger; but Providence or destiny acted -miracles in their behalf, by disposing the Duc de Grammont to quit -his advantageous post, pass the defile, and attack the English, who -were drawn up in order of battle on the plain, and who handled us -so roughly that, after having lost a great number of men, we turned -our backs without ceremony, and fled with such precipitation that -many hundreds perished in the river through pure fear and confusion: -for the enemy were so generous that they did not pursue us one inch -of ground; and, if our consternation would have permitted, we might -have retreated with great order and deliberation. But, notwithstanding -the royal clemency of the king of Great Britain, who headed the -allies in person, and, no doubt, put a stop to the carnage, our -loss amounted to five thousand men, among whom were many officers -of distinction. Our miscarriage opened a passage for the foe to -Haynau, whither they immediately marched, leaving their sick and -wounded to the care of the French, who next day took possession of -the field of battle, buried the dead, and treated the living with -humanity. - -This circumstance was a great consolation to us, who thence took -occasion to claim the victory; and the genius of the French nation -never appeared more conspicuous than now, in the rhodomontades they -uttered on the subject of their generosity and courage. Every man -(by his own account) performed feats that eclipsed all the heroes -of antiquity. One compared himself to a lion retiring at leisure -from his cowardly pursuers, who keep at a wary distance, and gall him -with their darts. Another likened himself to a bear that retreats -with his face to the enemy, who dare not assail him; and the third -assumed the character of a desperate stag, that turns upon the hounds -and keeps them at bay. There was not a private soldier engaged who -had not by the prowess of his single arm demolished a whole platoon, -or put a squadron of horse to flight; and, among others, the meagre -Gascon extolled his exploits above those of Hercules or Charlemagne. -As I still retained my resentment for the disgrace I suffered -in my last rencontre with him, and, now that I the thought myself -qualified, longed for an opportunity to retrieve my honour, I -magnified the valour of the English with all the hyperboles I could -imagine, and described the pusillanimity of the French in the same -style, comparing them to hares flying before greyhounds, or mice -pursued by cats; and passed an ironical compliment on the speed he -exerted in his flight, which, considering his age and infirmities -I said was surprising. He was stung to the quick by this sarcasm, -and, with an air of threatening disdain, bade me know myself better, -and remember the correction I had already received from him for -my insolence; for he might not always be in the humour of sparing -a wretch who abused his goodness. To this inuendo I made no reply -but by a kick on the breech, which overturned him in an instant. He -started up with wonderful agility, and, drawing his sword, attacked -me with great fury. Several people interposed, but, when he informed -them of its being an affair of honour, they retired, and left us to -decide the battle by ourselves. I sustained his onset with little -damage, having only received a small scratch on my right shoulder, -and, seeing his breath and vigour almost exhausted, assaulted him -in my turn, closed with him, and wrested his sword out of his hand -in the struggle. Having thus acquired the victory, I desired him -to beg his life; to which demand he made no answer, but shrugged -up his shoulders to his ears, expanded his hands, elevated the -skin on his forehead and eyebrows, and depressed the corners of his -mouth in such a manner, that I could scarce refrain from laughing -aloud at his grotesque appearance. That I might, however, mortify -his vanity, which triumphed without bounds over my misfortune, I -thrust his sword up to the hilt in something (it was not a tansy), -that lay smoking on the plain, and joined the rest of the soldiers -with an air of tranquillity and indifference. - -There was nothing more of moment attempted by either of the armies -during the remaining part of the campaign, which being ended, -the English marched back to the Netherlands; part of our army was -detached to French Flanders, and our regiment ordered into winter -quarters in Champagne. It was the fate of the grenadier company, -to which I now belonged, to lie at Rheims, where I found myself -in the utmost want of everything, my pay, which amounted to five -sols a day, far from supplying me with necessaries, being scarce -sufficient to procure a wretched subsistence to keep soul and body -together; so that I was, by hunger and hard duty, brought down to -the meagre condition of my fellow-soldiers, and my linen reduced -from three tolerable shirts to two pair of sleeves and necks, the -bodies having been long ago converted into spatterdaches; and after -all, I was better provided than any private man in the regiment. -In this urgency of my affairs, I wrote to my uncle in England, -though my hopes from that quarter were not at all sanguine, for the -reasons I have already explained; and in the meantime had recourse -to my old remedy patience, consoling myself with the flattering -suggestions of a lively imagination, that never abandoned me in my -distress. - -One day, while I stood sentinel at the gate of a general officer, -a certain nobleman came to the door, followed by a gentleman in -mourning, to whom, at parting, I heard him say, "You may depend upon -my good offices." This assurance was answered by a low bow of the -person in black, who, turning to go away, discovered to me the -individual countenance of my old friend and adherent Strap. I was -so much astonished at the sight, that I lost the power of utterance, -and, before I could recollect myself, he was gone without taking any -notice of me. Indeed, had he stayed, I scarcely should have ventured -to accost him; because, though I was perfectly well acquainted with -the features of his face, I could not be positively certain as to -the rest of his person, which was very much altered for the better -since he left me at London, neither could I conceive by which means -he was enabled to appear in the sphere of a gentleman, to which, -while I knew him, he had not even the ambition to aspire. But I was -too much concerned in the affair to neglect further information, -and therefore took the first opportunity of asking the porter if -he knew the gentleman to whom the marquis spoke. The Swiss told me -his name was Monsieur d'Estrapes, that he had been valet-de-chambre -to an English gentleman lately deceased, and that he was very much -regarded by the marquis for his fidelity to his master, between -whom and that nobleman a very intimate friendship had subsisted. -Nothing could be more agreeable to me than this piece of intelligence, -which banished all doubt of its being my friend, who had found means -to frenchify his name as well as his behaviour since we parted. As -soon, therefore, as I was relieved, I went to his lodging, according -to a direction given me by the Swiss, and had the good fortune to -find him at home. That I might surprise him the more, I concealed -my name and business, and only desired the servant of the house to -tell Monsieur d'Estrapes that I begged the honour of half-an-hour's -conversation with him. He was confounded and dismayed at this -message, when he understood it was sent by a soldier; though he -was conscious to himself of no crime, all that he had heard of the -Bastille appeared to his imagination with aggravated horror, but -it was not before I had waited a considerable time that he had -resolution enough to bid the servant show me up-stairs. - -When I entered his chamber, he returned my bow with great civility, -and endeavoured, with forced complaisance, to disguise his fear, -which appeared in the paleness of his face, the wildness of his looks, -and the shaking of his limbs. I was diverted at his consternation, -which redoubled, when I told him in French, I had business for his -private ear and demanded a particular audience. The valet being -withdrawn, I asked in the same language if his name was d'Estrapes, -to which he answered with a faltering tongue, "The same, at your -service." "Are you a Frenchman?" Said I. "I have not the honour -of being a Frenchman born," replied he, "but I have an infinite -veneration for the country." I then desired he would do me the -honour to look at me, which he no sooner did than, struck with my -appearance, he started back, and cried in English, "O Jesus!--sure -it can't! No 'tis impossible!" I smiled at his interjections, -saying, "I suppose you are too much of a gentleman to own your -friend in adversity." When he heard me pronounce these words in our -own language, he leaped upon me in a transport of joy, hung about -my neck, kissed me from ear to ear, and blubbered like a great -schoolboy who had been whipped. Then, observing my dress, he set -up his throat, crying, "O Lord! O Lord! that ever I should live to -see my dearest friend reduced to the condition of a foot soldier -in the French service! Why did you consent to my leaving you?--but -I know the reason--you thought you had got more creditable friends, -and grew ashamed of my acquaintance. Ah! Lord help us! though I -was a little short-sighted, I was not altogether blind: and though -I did not complain, I was not the less sensible of your unkindness, -which was indeed the only thing that induced me to ramble abroad, -the Lord knows whither; but I must own it has been a lucky ramble -for me, and so I forgive you, and may God forgive you! O Lord! Lord! -is it come to this?" I was nettled at the charge, which, though -just, I could not help thinking unseasonable, and told him with some -tartness that, whether his suspicions were well or ill grounded, -he might have chosen a more convenient opportunity of introducing -them; and that the question now was whether or no he found himself -disposed to lend me any assistance. "Disposed!" replied he with -great emotion; "I thought you had known me so well as to assure -yourself without asking, that I, and all that belongs to me, are at -your command. In the meantime you shall dine with me, and I will -tell you something that, perhaps, will not be displeasing unto -you." Then, wringing my hand, he said, "It makes my heart bleed to -see you in that garb!" I thanked him for his invitation, which, I -observed, could not be unwelcome to a person who had not eaten a -comfortable meal these seven months; but I had another request to -make, which I begged he would grant before dinner, and that was the -loan of a shirt; for although my back had been many weeks a stranger -to any comfort of that kind, my skin was not yet familiarised to -the want of it. He stared in my face, with a woful countenance, at -this declaration, which he could scarce believe, until I explained -it by unbuttoning my coat and disclosing my naked body--a circumstance -which shocked the tender-hearted Strap, who, with tears in his eyes, -ran to a chest of drawers, and taking out some linen, presented to -me a very fine ruffled Holland shirt and cambric neckcloth, assuring -me he had three dozen of the same kind at my service. - -I was ravished at this piece of good news and, having accommodated -myself in a moment, hugged my benefactor for his generous offer, -saying, I was overjoyed to find him undebauched by prosperity, which -seldom fails to corrupt the heart. He bespoke for dinner some soup -and bouilli, a couple of pullets roasted, and a dish of asparagus, -and in the interim entertained me with biscuit and Burgundy, after -which repast he entreated me to gratify his longing desire of -knowing every circumstance of my fortune since his departure from -London. This request I complied with, beginning at the adventure -of Gawky, and relating every particular event in which I had been -concerned from that day to the present hour. During the recital, my -friend was strongly affected, according to the various situations -described. He stared with surprise, glowed with indignation, gaped -with curiosity, smiled with pleasure, trembled with fear, and wept -with sorrow, as the vicissitudes of my life inspired these different -passions; and, when my story was ended, signified his amazement on -the whole, by lifting up his eyes and hands and protesting that, -though I was a young man, had suffered more than all the blessed -martyrs. - -After dinner, I desired in my turn to know the particulars of his -peregrination, and he satisfied me in a few words, by giving me to -understand that he had lived a year at Paris with his master, who, -in that time having acquired the language, as well as the fashionable -exercises to perfection, made a tour of France and Holland, during -which excursion he was so unfortunate as to meet with three of -his own countrymen on their travels, in whose company he committed -such excesses, that his constitution failed, and he fell into a -consumption; that by the advice of physicians, he went to Montpelier -for the benefit of good air, and recovered so well in six weeks, -that he returned to Rheims seemingly in good health, where he had -not continued above a month, when he was seized with a looseness -that carried him off in ten days, to the unspeakable sorrow of all -who knew him and especially of Strap, who had been very happy in -his service, and given such satisfaction, that his master, on his -death-bed recommended him to several persons of distinction for -his diligence, sobriety, and affection, and left him by will his -wearing apparel, gold watch, sword, rings, ready money, and all the -moveables he had in France, to the value of three hundred pounds -"which I now," said he, "in the sight of God and man, surrender -to your absolute disposal: here are my keys; take them, I beseech -you, and God give you joy of the possession." My brain was almost -turned by this sudden change of fortune, which I could scarce -believe real: however, I positively refused this extravagant proffer -of my friend, and put him in mind of my being a soldier; at which -hint he started, crying, "Odso! that's true! we must procure your -discharge. I have some interest with a nobleman who is able to do -me that favour." - -We consulted about this affair, and it was determined that Monsieur -d'Estrapes should wait upon the Marquis in the morning, and tell -him he had by accident found his brother, whom he had not seen for -many years before, a private soldier in the regiment of Picardy, -and implore that nobleman's interest for his discharge. In the -meantime, we enjoyed ourselves over a bottle of good Burgundy, and -spent the evening in concerting schemes for our future conduct, in -case I should be so lucky as to get rid of the army. The business -was to make ourselves easy for life by means of his legacy, a task -very difficult, and, in the usual methods of laying out money, -altogether impracticable, so that, after much canvassing, we could -come to no resolution that night, but when we parted, recommended -the matter to the serious attention of each other. As for my own -part, I puzzled my imagination to no purpose. When I thought of -turning merchant, the smallness of our stock, and the risk of seas, -enemies, and markets, deterred me from that scheme. If I should -settle as a surgeon in my own country, I would find the business -already overstocked; or, if I pretended to set up in England, must -labour under want of friends and powerful opposition, obstacles -insurmountable by the most shining merit: neither should I succeed -in my endeavours to rise in the state, inasmuch as I could neither -flatter nor pimp for courtiers, nor prostitute my pen in defence -of a wicked and contemptible administration. Before I could form -any feasible project, I fell asleep, and my fancy was blest with -the image of the dear Narcissa, who seemed to smile upon my passion, -and offer her hand as a reward for all my toils. - -Early in the morning, I went to the lodgings of my friend, whom I -found exulting over his happy invention! for I no sooner entered -his apartment, than he addressed himself to me in these words, -with a smile of self-applause: "Well, Mr. Random, a lucky thought -may come into a fool's head sometimes. I have hit it--I'll hold -you a button my plan is better than yours, for all your learning. -But you shall have the preference in this as in all other things; -therefore proceed, and let us know the effects of your meditation; -and then I will impart my own simple excogitations." I told him, -that not one thought had occurred to me which deserved the least -notice, and signified my impatience to be acquainted with the fruits -of his reflection. "As we have not," said he, "money sufficient to -maintain us during a tedious expectation, it is my opinion that a -bold push must be made; and I see none so likely to succeed as your -appearing in the character of a gentleman (which is your due), and -making your addresses to some lady of fortune, who can render you -independent at once. Nay, don't stare--I affirm that this scheme -is both prudent and honourable; for I would not have you throw -yourself away upon an old toothless wheezing dame, whose breath -would stink you into a consumption in less than three months, -neither would I advise you to assume the character of a wealthy -squire, as your common fortune-hunters do, by which means many a -poor lady is cheated into matrimony, and instead of enjoying the -pomp and grandeur that was promised, sees her dowry seized by her -husband's rapacious creditors, and herself reduced to misery and -despair. No, I know you have a soul that disdains such imposition; -and are master of qualifications, both of mind and body, which -alone entitle you to a match that will set you above the world. I -have clothes in my possession that a duke need not be ashamed to -wear. I believe they will fit you as they are, if not there are -plenty of tailors in France. Let us take a short trip to Paris, -and provide ourselves with all other necessaries, then set out for -England, where I intend to do myself the honour of attending you in -quality of a valet. This expedient will save you the expense of a -servant, shaving, and dressing; and I doubt not but, by the blessing -of God, we shall bring matters to a speedy and fortunate issue." -Extravagant as this proposal was, I listened to it with pleasure, -because it flattered my vanity, and indulged a ridiculous hope I -began to entertain of inspiring Narcissa with a mutual flame. - -After breakfast, Monsieur d'Estrapes went to pay his devoirs to the -marquis, and was so successful in his application, that I obtained -a discharge in a few days, upon which we set out for Paris. Here -I had time to reflect and congratulate myself upon this sudden -transition of fate, which to bear with moderation required some -degree of philosophy and self-denial. This truth will be more obvious, -if I give a detail of the particulars, to the quiet possession of -which I was raised in an instant, from the most abject misery and -contempt. My wardrobe consisted of five fashionable coats full -mounted, two of which were plain, one of cut velvet, one trimmed -with gold, and another with silver lace, two frocks, one of white -drab, with large plate buttons, the other of blue with gold binding; -one waistcoat of gold brocade; one of blue satin, embroidered with -silver; one of green silk, trimmed with figured broad gold lace; -one of black silk, with fringes; one of white satin, one of black -cloth, and one of scarlet; six pair of cloth breeches; one pair -of crimson, and another of black velvet; twelve pair of white silk -stockings, as many of black silk, and the same number of white -cotton; one hat, laced with gold point d'Espagne, another with -silver lace scolloped, a third with gold binding, and a fourth -plain; three dozen of fine ruffled shirts, as many neckcloths; one -dozen of cambric handkerchiefs, and the like number of silk. The -other moveables, which I possessed by the generosity and friendship -of Strap, were a gold watch with a chased case, two valuable diamond -rings, two mourning swords, one with a silver handle, and a fourth -cut steel inlaid with gold, a diamond stock buckle, and a set of -stone buckles for the knees and shoes; a pair of silver-mounted -pistols with rich housings; a gold-headed cane, and a snuff-box of -tortoiseshell, mounted with gold, having the picture of a lady in -the top. The gentleman left many other things of value, which my -friend had converted into cash before I met with him; so that, over -and above these particulars, our stock in ready money amounted to -something more than two hundred pounds. - -Thus equipped, I put on the gentleman of figure, and, attended by -my honest friend, who was contented with the station of my valet, -visited the Louvre, examined the gallery of Luxembourg, and appeared -at Versailles, where I had the honour of seeing his Most Christian -Majesty eat a considerable quantity of olives. During the month I -spent at Paris, I went several times to court, the Italian comedy, -opera, and playhouse, danced at a masquerade, and, in short, saw -everything remarkable in and about that capital. Then we set out -for England by the way of Flanders, passed through Brussels, Ghent, -and Bruges, and took shipping at Ostend, from whence, in fourteen -hours, we arrived at Deal, hired a postchaise, and in twelve hours -more got safe to London, having disposed of our heavy baggage in -the waggon. - - - - - -CHAPTER XLV - - - - -I inquire for my Uncle, and understand he is gone to sea--take -Lodgings at Charing Cross--go to the Play, where I meet with an -adventure-Dine at an ordinary--the Guests described--become acquainted -with Medlar and Doctor Wagtail - - -As soon as we alighted at the inn, I dispatched Strap to inquire -for my uncle at the Union Flag in Wapping; and he returned in a -little time, with an account of Mr. Bowling's having gone to sea, -mate of a merchant ship, after a long and unsuccessful application -attendance at the Admiralty; where, it seems, the interest he -depended upon was not sufficient to reinstate him, or recover the -pay that was due to him when he quitted the Thunder. - -Next day I hired very handsome lodgings not far from Charing Cross; -and in the evening dressed myself in a plain suit of the true Paris -cut, and appeared in a front box at the play, where I saw a good -deal of company, and was vain enough to believe that I was observed -with an uncommon degree of attention and applause. This silly conceit -intoxicated me so much, that I was guilty of a thousand ridiculous -coquetries; and I dare say, how favourable soever the thoughts of -the company might be at my first appearance, they were soon changed -by my absurd behaviour into pity or contempt. I rose and sat down, -covered and uncovered my head twenty times between the acts; pulled -out my watch, clapped it to my ear, wound it up, set it, gave it -the hearing again; displayed my snuff-box, affected to take snuff, -that I might have all opportunity of showing my brilliant, and -wiped my nose with perfumed handkerchief; then dangled my cane, and -adjusted my sword-knot, and acted many more fooleries of the same -kind, in hopes of obtaining the character of a pretty fellow, in -the acquiring of which I found two considerable obstructions in -my disposition--namely, a natural reserve and jealous sensibility. -Fain would I have entered into conversation with the people around -me: but I was restrained by the fear of being censured for my -assurance, as well as by reflecting that I was more entitled to a -compliment of this kind from them, than they to such condescension -from a stranger like me. How often did I redden at the frequent -whispers and loud laughter of my fellow beaux, which I imagined were -excited by me; and how often did I envy the happy indifference of -those choice spirits, who behold the distress of the scene without -discovering the least symptom of approbation or concern. My attention -was engaged in spite of myself, and I could not help weeping with -the heroine of the stage, though I practised a great many shifs to -conceal this piece of unpolite weakness. - -When the play was ended, I sat waiting for an opportunity of handing -some lady to her coach; but everyone was attended by such a number -of officious gallants, that for a long time I was balked in -my expectation. At length, however, I perceived a very handsome -creature, genteelly dressed, sitting by herself in a box, at -some distance from me; upon which I went up to her, and offered -my service. She seemed to be in some confusion, thanked me for my -complaisance, and with a tender look declined giving me the trouble: -looking at her watch, and testifying her surprise at the negligence -of her footman whom she had ordered to have a chair ready for her -at that hour. I repeated my entreaty with all the eloquence and -compliment I was master of; and, in the event, she was prevailed upon -to accept of a proposal I made, to send my servant for a chair or -coach: accordingly, Strap was detached for that purpose, and returned -without success. By this time the playhouse was quite empty, and -we were obliged to retire. As I led her through the passage, I -observed five or six young fellows of fashion standing in a corner, -one of whom, as I thought, tipped my charmer the wink, and when we -were passed, I heard a loud laugh. This note aroused my attention, -and I was resolved to be fully satisfied of this lady's character, -before I should have any nearer connection with her. As no convenience -appeared, I proposed to conduct her to a tavern, where we might -stay a few minutes, until my servant could fetch a coach from the -Strand. She seemed particularly shy of trusting herself in a tavern -with a stranger, but at last yielded to my pathetic remonstrances, -rather than endanger her health by remaining in a cold, damp -thoroughfare. Having thus far succeeded, I begged to know what -wine she would be pleased to drink a glass of; but she professed -the greatest aversion to all sorts of strong liquors, and it was -with much difficulty that I could persuade her to eat a jelly. - -In the meantime, I endeavoured to alleviate the uneasiness she -discovered, by saying all the agreeable things I could think of; -at which she would often sigh, and regard me with a languishing -look, that seemed, however, too near akin to the lewd leer of a -courtesan. This discovery added to my former suspicion, while it -put me upon my guard against her arts, divested me of reserve, and -enabled me to entertain her with gaiety and freedom. In the course -of our conversation, I pressed her to allow me the honour of waiting -upon her next day at her lodgings, a request which she, with many -apologues, refused, lest it should give umbrage to Sir John, who was -of a disposition apt to be fretted with trifles. This information, -by which I was to understand that her husband was a knight, did not -check my addresses, which became more and more importunate, and I -was even hardy enough to ravish a kiss. But, O heavens! instead of -banqueting on the ambrosial flavour, that her delicacy of complexion -promised, I was almost suffocated with the steams of Geneva! An -exhalation of this kind, from a mouth which had just before declared -an utter abhorrence of all spirituous liquors, not only changed my -doubts into certainty, but my raptures into loathing; and it would -have been impossible for me to have preserved common complaisance -five minutes longer, when my servant returned with a coach. I took -the advantage of this occasion, and presented my hand to the lady, -who put in practice against me the whole artillery of her charms, -ogling, languishing, sighing, and squeezing, with so little reserve -that Strap perceived her tenderness, and rubbed his hands with -joy as he followed us to the door; but I was proof against all her -endearments, and handed her into the coach with an intention to -take my leave immediately. She guessed my design, and invited me -to her house, whispering, that now Sir John was gone to bed, she -could have the pleasure of my conversation for half-an-hour without -interruption. I told her there was no mortification I would not -undergo, rather than endanger the repose of her ladyship; and, -bidding the coachman drive on, wished her a good night. She lost -all temper at my indifference, and, stopping the coach, at the -distance of about twenty yards from me, popped out her head, and -howled with the lungs of a fishwoman, "D--n you, you dog, won't you -pay the coach-hire?" As I made no answer, she held forth against me -with an eloquence peculiar to herself; calling me pitifull fellow, -scoundrel, and a hundred such appellations; concluding with an -oath, that, for all my appearance, she believed I had got no money -in my pocket. - -Having thus vented her indignation, she ordered her coachman to -proceed, and I returned to the tavern, where I bespoke something -for supper, very well pleased at the issue of this adventure. I -dispensed with the attendance of the waiter at table, on pretence -that my own servant was present, and, when we were alone, said to -Strap, "Well, Monsieur d'Estrapes, what d'ye think of this lady?" -My friend, who had not opened his mouth since her departure, could -make no other reply than the monosyllable "Think!" which he pronounced -with a note of fear and astonishment. Surprised at this emphasis, -I surveyed my valet, and, perceiving a wildness in his looks, asked -if he had seen his grandfather's ghost? "Ghost!" said he, "I am -sure I have seen a devil incarnate! Who would have thought that -so much devilish malice and Billingsgate could lurk under so much -sweetness of countenance and modesty of behaviour? Ah! God help -us! Fronti nulla fides--nimium ne crede colori--but we ought to -down on our knees, and bless God for delivering us from the jaws -of that painted sepulchre!" I was pretty much of Strap's opinion, -and, though I did not believe myself in any danger from the allurements -of that sisterhood, I determined to act with great circumspection -for the future, and shun all commerce of that kind, as equally -prejudicial to my purse and constitution. - -My next care was to introduce myself into a set of good acquaintance: -for which purpose I frequented a certain coffee-house, noted for -the resort of good company, English as well as foreigners, where -my appearance procured all the civilities and advances I could -desire. As there was an ordinary in the same house, I went upstairs -to dinner with the other guests, and found myself at a table with -thirteen people, the greatest part of whom were better dressed than -myself. The conversation, which was mostly carried on in French, -turned chiefly on politics; and I soon found the whole company were -in the French interest, myself excepted, and a testy old gentleman, -who contradicted everything that was advanced in favour of his Most -Christian Majesty, with a surliness truly English. But this trusty -patriot, who had never been out of his own country, and drew all -his maxims and notions from prejudice and hearsay, was very unequal -to his antagonists, who were superior to him in learning and -experience, and often took the liberty of travellers in asserting -things which were not strictly true, because they thought themselves -in no danger of being detected by him. The claim of the Queen -Of Spain to the Austrian dominions in Italy was fully explained -and vindicated, by a person who sat opposite to me, and, by the -solemnity of his manner and the richness of his apparel, seemed to -be a foreign ambassador. This dissertation produced another on the -Pragmatic Sanction, handled with great warmth by a young gentleman -at my right hand, dressed in a green frock, trimmed with gold, -who justified the French king for his breach of that contract; and -affirmed that he could not have observed it without injuring his -own glory. Although I was not at all convinced by this gentleman's -arguments, I could not help admiring his vivacity which, I imagined, -must be the effect of his illustrious birth and noble education, -and accordingly rated him, in my conjecture, as a young prince on -his travels. The discourse was afterwards shifted by an old gentleman, -of a very martial appearance, to the last campaign, when the battle -of Dettingen was fought over again, with so many circumstances to -the honour of the French and disadvantages if the Allies, that I -began to entertain some doubts of my having been there in person, -and took the liberty to mention some objections to what he advanced. -This freedom introduced a dispute, which lasted a good while, to -the mortification of all present; and was at last referred to the -determination of a grave person, whom they styled Doctor, and who, -under a show of great moderation, decided it against me, with so -little regard to truth, that I taxed him with partiality in pretty -severe terms, to the no small entertainment of the true English -politician, who rejoiced at my defence of a cause he had so often -espoused without success. - -My opponent, pleased with the victory he had gained, affected a great -deal of candour, and told me, he should not have been so positive, -if he had not been at great pains to inform himself of each -particular. "Indeed," said he, "I am convinced that the previous -steps considered, things could not happen otherwise; for we generals -who have seen service, though we may not be on the spot ourselves, -know by the least sketch of the disposition what must be the -event." He then censured, with great freedom, every circumstance -of the conduct of those who commanded the Allies; from thence made -a transition to the ministry, which he honoured with many invectives -for employing people who had neither experience nor capacity, -to the prejudice of old officers, who had been distinguished for -both; dropped many hints of his own importance, and concluded with -observing, that the French and Spaniards knew better how to value -generals of merit; the good effects of which are seen in the -conquests they gain, and the discipline of their troops, which are -at the same time better clothed and paid than any soldiers in the -universe. These remarks furnished the green knight with an opportunity -of launching out in the praise of the French government in general, -civil as well as military; on which occasion he made many odious -comparisons to the disadvantage of the English. Everybody, -almost, assented to the observations he made, and the doctor gave -his sanction, by saying, the people of France were undoubtedly -the happiest subjects in the world. I was so much astonished and -confounded at their infatuation and effrontery, that I had not -power to utter one word in opposition to their assertions; but my -morose associate could not put up with the indignity that was offered -to Old England, and therefore with a satirical grin addressed himself -to the general in these words: "Sir, sir, I have often heard it -said, She's a villainous bird that befouls her own nest. As for -what those people who are foreigners say, I don't mind it; they -know no better; but you who were bred and born, and have got your -bread, under the English government, should have more regard to -gratitude, as well as truth in censuring your native country. If -the ministry have thought fit to lay you aside, I suppose they have -their own reasons for so doing; and you ought to remember, that -you still live on the bounty of this nation. As for these gentlemen -(meaning the prince and ambassador), who make so free with our -constitution, laws, and genius of our people, I think they might -show a little more respect for their benefactors, who, I must own, -are to blame in harbouring and protecting, and encouraging such -ungrateful vagrants as they are." At these words, the chevalier -in green started up in a great passion, and laying his hand on the -hilt of his hanger, exclaimed, "Ah! foutre!" The Englishman on the -other hand, grasping his cane cried, "Don't foutre me, sirrah, or -by G--d I'll knock you down." The company interposed, the Frenchman -sat down again, and his antagonist proceeded--"Lookey, Monsieur, -you know very well that had you dared to speak so freely of the -administration of your own country in Paris as you have done of -ours in London, you would have been sent to the Bastille without -ceremony, where you might have rotted in a dungeon, and never seen -the light of the sun again. Now, sir, take my word for it, although -our constitution screens us from such oppression, we want not -laws to chastise the authors of seditious discourse, and if I hear -another syllable out of your mouth in contempt or prejudice of this -kingdom, I will give you a convincing proof of what I advance, and -have you laid by the heels for your presumption." This declaration -had an effect on the company as sudden as surprising. The young -prince became as supple as a spaniel, the ambassador trembled, the -general sat silent and abashed, and the doctor, who it seems, had -felt the rod of power, grew pale as death, and assured us all, -that he had no intention to affront any person or people. "Your -principles, doctor," resumed the old gentleman, "are no secret--I -have nothing to say upon that head; but am very much surprised, -that a man who despises us so much, should notwithstanding live -among us, when he has no visible motive for so doing. Why don't -you take up your habitation in your beloved France, where you may -rail at England without censure?" To this remonstrance the doctor -thought proper to make no reply, and an unsocial silence ensued; -which I perceiving, took notice, that it was pity such idle disputes, -maintained very often through whim or diversion, should create any -misunderstanding among gentlemen of good sense, and proposed to -drink down all animosity in another bottle, - -This motion was applauded by the whole company. The wine was brought, -and the English champion, declaring he had no spleen against any -man for differing in opinion from him, any more than for difference -of complexion, drank to the good health of all present; the compliment -was returned, and the conversation once more became unreserved -though more general than before. Among other topics, the subject -of war was introduced, on which the general declaimed with great -eloquence, recounting many of his own exploits by way of illustration. -In the course of his harangue he happened to mention the word -epaulement, upon which the testy gentleman asked the meaning, of that -term. "I'll tell you what an epaulement is," replied he, "I never -saw an epaulement but once, and that was at the siege of Namur. In -a council of war, Monsieur Cohorn, the famous engineer, affirmed -that the place could not be taken." "Yes," said the Prince of -Vandemont, "it may be taken by an epaulement." "This was immediately -put into execution, and in twenty-four hours Mareschal Boufflers -was fain to capitulate." Here he made a full stop, and the old -gentleman repeated the question, "But pray what is an epaulement?" -To this interrogation the officer made no immediate reply, but rang -the bell, and called for the bill, which being brought, he threw -down his proportion of the reckoning, and, telling the company he -would show them an epaulement when his majesty should think fit to -entrust him with the command of our army abroad, strutted away with -great dignity. I could not imagine why he was so shy of explaining -one of the most simple terms of fortification, which I forthwith -described as a side-work composed of earth, gabions, or fascines; -but I was very much surprised when I afterwards understood that -his reserve proceeded from his ignorance. - -Having paid our bill, we adjourned to the coffee-room, where my -fellow-labourer insisted on treating me with a dish, giving me to -understand, at the same time, that I had acquired his good opinion, -both with respect to my principles and understanding. I thanked -him for his compliment, and, professing myself an utter stranger -in this part of the world, begged he would have the goodness to -inform me of the quality and characters of the people who dined -above. This request was a real favour to one of his disposition, -which was no less communicative than curious; he therefore complied -with great satisfaction, and told me, to my extreme astonishment, -that the supposed young prince was a dancer at one of the theatres, -and the ambassador no other than a fiddler belonging to the opera. -"The doctor," said he "is a Roman Catholic priest, who sometimes -appears in the character of an officer, and assumes the name of -captain; but more generally takes the garb, title, and behaviour -of a physician, in which capacity he wheedles himself into the -confidence of weak-minded people, and by arguments no less specious -than false, converts them from their religion and allegiance. He -has been in the hands of justice more than once for such practices, -but he is a sly dog, and manages matters with so much craft, that -hitherto he has escaped for a short imprisonment. As for the general, -you may see he has owed his promotion more to his interest than -his capacity; and, now that the eyes of the ministry are opened, -his friends dead or become inconsiderable, he is struck off the -list, and obliged to put up with a yearly pension. In consequence -of this reduction, he is become malcontent, and inveighs against -the government in all companies, with so little discretion, that -I am surprised at the lenity of the administration, in overlooking -his insolence, but the truth of the matter is, he owes his safety -to his weakness and want of importance. He has seen a little, and -but a little, service, and yet, if you will take his word to it, -there has not been a great action performed in the field since -the Revolution, in which he was not principally concerned. When a -story is told of any great general, he immediately matches it with -one of himself, though he is often unhappy in his invention, and -commits such gross blunders in the detail, that everybody is in pain -for him. Caesar, Pompey, and Alexander the Great, are continually -in his mouth; and, as he reads a good deal without any judgment to -digest it, his ideas are confused, and his harangues as unintelligible -as infinite; for, if once he begin, there is no chance of his -leaving off speaking while one person remains to yield attention; -therefore the only expedient I know, for putting a stop to his -loquacity, is to lay hold of some incongruity he has uttered, and -demand an explanation; or ask the meaning of some difficult term -that he knows by name; this method will effectually put him to -silence, if not to flight, as it happened when I inquired about an -epaulement. Had he been acquainted with the signification of that -word, his triumph would have been intolerable, and we must have -quitted the field first, or been worried with impertinence." - -Having thus gratified my curiosity, the old gentleman began -to discover his own, in questions relating to myself, to which I -thought proper to return ambiguous answers. "I presume, Sir," said -he, "you have travelled." I answered, "Yes." "I dare say you have -found it very expensive," said he. I replied, "To be sure, one cannot -travel without money." "That I know by experience," said he, "for -I myself take a trip to Bath or Tunbridge every season; and one must -pay sauce for what he has on the road, as well in other countries -as in this. That's a pretty stone in your ring--give me leave, sir--the -French have attained to a wonderful skill in making compositions -of this kind. Why, now, this looks almost as well as a diamond." -"Almost as well, Sir!" said I, "Why not altogether? I am sure if you -understand anything of jewels, you must perceive, at first sight, -that this stone is a real diamond, and that of a very fine water. -Take it in your hand and examine it." He did so with some confusion, -and returned it, saying, "I ask your pardon; I see it is a true -brilliant of immense value." I imagined his respect to me increased -after this inquiry; therefore to captivate his esteem the more, I -told him, I would show him a seal of composition, engraved after -a very valuable antique; upon which I pulled out my watch with a -rich gold chain, adorned with three seals set in gold, and an opal -ring, He viewed each of them with great eagerness, handled the -chain, admired the chased case, and observed that the whole must -have cost me a vast sum of money. I affected indifference, and -replied in a careless manner, "Some trifle of sixty or seventy -guineas." He stared in my face for some time, and then asked -if I was an Englishman? I answered in the negative. "You are from -Ireland then, Sir, I presume," said he. I made the same reply. "Oh! -perhaps," said he "you were born in one of our settlements abroad." -I still answered No. He seemed very much surprised, and said, he -was sure I was not a foreigner. I made no reply, but left him upon -the tenter-hooks of impatient uncertainty. He could not contain -his anxiety, but asked pardon for the liberties he had taken and, -to encourage me the more to disclose my situation, displayed his own -without reserve. "I am," said he, "a single man, have a considerable -annuity, on which I live according to my inclination, and make -the ends of the year meet very comfortably. As I have no estate to -leave behind, I am not troubled with the importunate officiousness -of relations or legacy hunters, and I consider the world as made -for me, not me for the world. It is my maxim, therefore, to enjoy -it while I can, and let futurity shift for itself." - -While he thus indulged his own talkative vein, and at the same -time, no doubt, expected retaliation from me, a young man entered, -dressed in black velvet and an enormous tie-wig, with an air in -which natural levity and affected solemnity were so jumbled together, -that on the whole he appeared a burlesque on all decorum. This -ridiculous oddity danced up to the table at which we sat, and, after -a thousand grimaces, asked my friend by the name of Mr. Medlar, -if we were not engaged upon business. My companion put on a surly -countenance, and replied "No great business, doctor--but however--" -"Oh! then," cried the physician; "I must beg your indulgence a little; -pray pardon me, gentlemen." "Sir," said he, addressing himself to -me, "your most humble servant. I hope you will forgive me, sir--I -must beg the favour to sit--sir--sir--I have something of consequence -to impart to my friend Mr. Medlar--sir, I hope you will excuse -my freedom in whispering, sir," Before I had time to give this -complaisant person my permission, Mr. Medlar cried, "I'Il have no -whispering--if you have anything to say to me, speak with an audible -voice." The doctor seemed a little disconcerted at this exclamation, -and, turning again to me, made a thousand apologies for pretending -to make a mystery of anything, a piece of caution which he said -was owing to his ignorance of my connection with Mr. Medlar; but -now he understood I was a friend, and would communicate what he -had to say in my hearing. He then began, after two or three hems, -in this manner: "You must know, sir, I am just come from dinner -at my Lady Flareit's (then addressing himself to me), a lady of -quality, sir, at whose table I have the honour of dining sometimes. -There was Lady Stately and my Lady Larum, and Mrs. Dainty, and Miss -Biddy Giggler, upon my word, a very good-natured young lady, with -a very pretty fortune sir. There was also my Lord Straddle. Sir John -Shrug, and Master Billy Chatter, who is actually a very facetious -young gentleman. So, sir, her ladyship seeing me excessively fatigued, -for she was the last of fifteen patients (people of distinction, -sir) whom I had visited this forenoon, insisted upon my staying -dinner, though upon my word I protest I had no appetite; however, -in compliance with her ladyship's request, sir, I sat down, and -the conversation turning on different subjects, among other things, -Mr Chatter asked very earnestly when I saw Mr. Medlar. I told him -I had not had the pleasure of seeing you these nineteen hours and -a half; for you may remember, sir, it was nearly about that time; -I won't be positive as to a minute." "No," says he, "then I desire -you will go to his lodgings immediately after dinner, and see what's -the matter with him, for he must certainly be very bad from having -eaten last night such a vast quantity of raw oysters." The crusty -gentleman, who, from the solemnity of his delivery, expected something -extraordinary, no sooner heard his conclusion, than he started up -in a testy humour, crying, "Pshaw, pshaw! D--n your oysters!" and -walked away, after a short compliment of, "Your servant sir," to -me. The doctor got up also, saying, "I vow and protest, upon my -word, I am actually amazed;" and followed Mr. Medlar to the bar, -which was hard by, where he was paying for his coffee: there he -whispered so loud that I could overhear, "Pray who is this gentleman?" -His friend replied hastily, "I might have known that before now, -if it had not been for your impertinent intrusion,"--and walked -off very much disappointed. The ceremonious physician returned -immediately and sat down by me, asking a thousand pardons for leaving -me alone: and giving me to understand that what he had communicated -to Mr. Medlar at the bar, was an affair of the last importance, -that would admit of no delay. He then called for some coffee, and -launched out into the virtues of that berry, which, he said, in -cold phlegmatic constitutions, like his, dried up the superfluous -moisture, and braced the relaxed nerves. He told me it was utterly -unknown to the ancients; and derived its name from an Arabian word, -which I might easily perceive by the sound and termination. From -this topic he transferred his disquisitions to the verb drink, -which he affirmed was improperly applied to the taking of coffee, -inasmuch as people did not drink, but sip or sipple that liquor; -that the genuine meaning of drinking is to quench one's thirst, -or commit a debauch by swallowing wine; that the Latin word, which -conveyed the same idea, was bibere or potare, and that of the -Greeks pinein or poteein, though he was apt to believe they were -differently used on different occasions: for example--to drink -a vast quantity, or, as the vulgar express it, to drink an ocean -of liquor, was in Latin potare, and in Greek poteein; and, on the -other hand, to use it moderately, was bibere and pinein;--that -this was only a conjecture of his, which, however, seemed to be -supported by the word bibulous, which is particularly applied to -the pores of the skin, and can only drink a very small quantity -of the circumambient moisture, by reason of the smallness of their -diameters;--whereas, from the verb poteein is derived the substantive -potamos, which signifies a river, or vast quantity of liquor. I -could not help smiling at this learned and important investigation; -and, to recommend myself the more to my new acquaintance, whose -disposition I was by this time well informed of, I observed that, -what he alleged, did not, to the best of my remembrance, appear in -the writings of the ancients; for Horace uses the words poto and -bibo indifferently for the same purpose, as in the twentieth Ode -of his first Book. - - "Vile potabis modicis sabinum cantharis-- - --Et praelo domitam caleno tu bibes uvam." - -That I had never heard of the verb poteein, but that potamos, potema, -and potos, were derived from pino, poso, pepoka, in consequence of -which, the Greek poets never use any other word for festal drinking. -Homer describes Nestor at his cups in these words, - -"Nestora d'ouk elathen jache pinonta pcrempes." - -And Anacreon mentions it on the same occasion always in every page. - - "Pinonti de oinon hedun. - Otan pino ton oinon. - Opliz' ego de pino." - -And in a thousand other places. The doctor who doubtless intended -by his criticism to give me a high idea of his erudition, was -infinitely surprised to find himself schooled by one of my appearance; -and after a considerable pause cried, "Upon my word, you are in -the right, sir--I find I have not considered this affair with my -usual accuracy." Then, accosting me in Latin, which he spoke very -well, the conversation was maintained full two hours, on a variety -of subjects, in that language; and indeed he spoke so judiciously, -that I was convinced, notwithstanding his whimsical appearance and -attention to trifles, that he was a man of extensive knowledge, -especially in books; he looked upon me, as I afterwards understood -from Mr. Medlar, as a prodigy in learning, and proposed that very -night, if I were not engaged, to introduce me to several young -gentlemen of fortune and fashion, with whom I had an appointment -at the Bedford coffee house. - - - - - -CHAPTER XLVI - - - - -Wagtail introduces me to set of fine Gentlemen with whom I spend -the Evening at a Tavern--our Conversation--the Characters of my -new Companions--the Doctor is roasted--our Issue of our Debauch - - -I accepted his offer with pleasure, and we went thither in a hackney -coach where I saw a great number of gay figures fluttering about, -most of whom spoke to the doctor with great familiarity. Among the -rest stood a group of them round the fire whom I immediately knew -to be the very persons who had the night before, by their laughing, -alarmed my suspicion of the lady who had put herself under -my protection. They no sooner perceived me enter with Dr. Wagtail -(for that was my companion's name) than they tittered and whispered -one to another, and I was not a little surprised to find that they -were the gentlemen to whose acquaintance he designed to recommend -me; for, when he observed them together, he to told me who they -were, and desired to know by what name he should introduce me. -I satisfied him in that particular, and he advanced with great -gravity, saying, "Gentlemen, your most obedient servant:--give me -leave to introduce my friend Mr. Random to your society." Then, -turning to me, "Mr. Random, this is Mr. Bragwell--Mr. Banter, -sir--Mr. Chatter--my friend Mr. Slyboot, and Mr. Ranter sir." I -saluted each of then in order, and when I came to take Mr. Slyboot -by the hand, I perceived him thrust his tongue in his cheek, to the -no small entertainment of the company; but I did not think proper -to take any notice of it on this occasion. Mr. Ranter too (who I -afterwards learned was a player) displayed his talents, by mimicking -my air, features, and voice, while he returned my compliment: this -feat I should not have been so sensible of, had I not seen him -behave in the same manner to my friend Wagtail, when he made up -to them at first. But for once I let him enjoy the fruits of his -dexterity without question or control, resolved however to chastise -his insolence at a more convenient opportunity. Mr. Slyboot, guessing -I was a stranger, asked if I had been lately in France? and when I -answered in the affirmative, inquired if I had seen the Luxembourg -Gallery? I told him I had considered it more than once with great -attention: upon this a conversion ensued, in which I discovered -him to be a painter. - -While we were discoursing upon the particulars of this famous -performance, I overheard Banter ask Dr. Wagtail, where he had picked -up this Mr. Random. To which question the physician answered, "Upon -my word, a mighty pretty sort of a gentleman--a man of fortune, -sir--he has made the grand tour, and seen the best company in Europe, -air." "What, he told you so, I suppose?" said the other: "I take -him to be neither more nor less than a French valet-de-chambre." -"O barbarous, barbarous!" cried the doctor; "this is actually, upon -my word, altogether unaccountable. I know all his family perfectly -well, sir; he is of the Randoms of the north--a very ancient house -sir, and a distant relation of mine." I was extremely nettled at the -conjecture of Mr. Banter, and began to entertain a very indifferent -opinion of my company in general; but, as I might possibly by -their means acquire a more extensive and agreeable acquaintance, I -determined to bear these little mortifications as long as I could -without injuring the dignity of my character. After having talked -for some time on the weather, plays, politics, and other coffee-house -subjects, it was proposed that we should spend the evening at a -noted tavern in the neighbourhood, whither we repaired in a body. - -Having taken possession of a room, called for French wine, and bespoke -supper, the glass went about pretty freely, and the characters of -my associates opened upon me more and more. It soon appeared that -the doctor was entertained as butt for the painter and player to -exercise their wit upon, for the diversion of the company. Mr. -Ranter began the game by asking him what was good for a hoarseness, -lowness of spirits, and in digestion, for he was troubled with -all these complaints to a very great degree. Wagtail immediately -undertook to explain the nature of his case, and in a very prolix -manner harangued upon prognostics, diagnostics, symptomatics, -therapeutics, inanition, and repletion; then calculated the force -of the stomach and lungs in their respective operations; ascribed -the player's malady to a disorder in these organs, proceeding -from hard drinkings and vociferations, and prescribed a course -of stomachics, with abstinence from venery, wine, loud speaking, -laughing, singing, coughing, sneezing, or hallooing. "Pah, pah!" -cried Ranter, interrupting him, "the remedy is worse than the -disease--I wish I knew where to find some tinder water." "Tinder -water!" said the doctor; "Upon my word, I don't apprehend you, -Mr. Ranter." "Water extracted from tinder," replied the other, -"a universal specific for all distempers incident to man. It was -invented by a learned German monk, who, for a valuable consideration, -imparted the secret to Paracelsus." "Pardon me," cried the painter, -"it was first used by Solomon, as appears by a Greek manuscript in -his civil handwriting, lately found at the foot of Mount Lebanon, -by a peasant who was digging for potatoes--" "Well," said Wagtail, -"in all my vast reading, I never met with such a preparation! -neither did I know till this minute, that Solomon understood Greek, -or that potatoes grew in Palestine." - -Here Banter interposed, saying, he was surprised that Dr. Wagtail -should make the least doubt of Solomon's understanding Greek, when -he is represented to us as the wisest and best-educated prince -in the world; and as for potatoes, they were transplanted thither -from Ireland, in the time of the Crusade, by some knights of that -country. "I profess," said the doctor, "there is nothing more likely. -I would actually give a vast sum for a sight of that manuscript, -which must be inestimable; and, if I understood the process, would -set about it immediately." The player assured him the process was -very simple--that he must cram a hundred-weight of dry tinder into -a glass retort, and, distilling it by the force of animal heat, it -would yield half a scruple of insipid water, one drop of which is -a full dose. "Upon my integrity!" exclaimed the incredulous doctor, -"this is very amazing and extraordinary! that a caput mortuum -should yield any water at all. I must own I have always been an -enemy to specifics which I thought inconsistent with the nature of -the animal economy; but certainly the authority of Solomon is not -to be questioned. I wonder where I shall find a glass retort large -enough to contain such a vast quantity of tinder, the consumption -of which must, undoubtedly, raise the price of paper, or where shall -I find animal heat sufficient even to warm such a mass?" Slyboot -informed him, that he might have a retort blown for him as big as -a church: and, that the easiest method of raising the vapour by -animal heat, would be to place it in the middle of an infirmary -for feverish patients, who might he upon mattresses around and -in contact with it. He had he sooner pronounced these words, than -Wagtail exclaimed in a rapture, "An admirable expedient, as I hope -to be saved! I will positively put it in practice." - -This simplicity of the physician furnished excellent diversion -for the company, who, in their turns, sneered at him in ironical -compliments, which his vanity swallowed as the genuine sentiments -of their hearts. Mr. Chatter, impatient of so long a silence, now -broke out and entertained us with a catalogue of all the people who -danced at the last Hampstead assembly, with a most circumstantial -account of the dress and ornaments of each, from the lappets of -the ladies to the shoe-buckles of the men; concluding with telling -Bragwell, that his mistress Melinda was there, and seemed to miss -him: and soliciting his company at the next occasion of that kind. - -"No, d--mm," said Bragwell, "I have something else to mind than -dangling after a parcel of giddy-headed girls; besides. you know -my temper is so unruly, that I am apt to involve myself in scrapes -when a woman is concerned. The last time I was there, I had -an affair with Tom Trippit." "Oh! I remember that!" cried Banter; -"You lugged out before the ladies; and I commend you for so doing, -because you had an opportunity of showing your manhood without running -any risk. "Risk!" said the other with a fierce countenance, d--n -my blood! I fear no risks. I an't afraid of lugging out against any -man that wears a head, d-me! 'Tis well known that I have drawn blood -more than once, and lost some too; but what does that signify?" The -player begged this champion to employ him as his second the next -time he intended to kill, for he wanted to see a man die of a stab, -that he might know how to act such an art the more naturally on the -stage. "Die!" replied the hero: "No, by G--! I know better things -than to incur the verdict of a Middlesex jury--I should look -upon my fencing-master to be an ignorant son of a b--h, if he had -not taught me to prick any of my antagonist's body that I please -to disable." "Oho!" cried Slyboot, "if that be the case, I have a -favour to ask. You must know I am employed to paint a Jesus on the -cross; and my purpose is to represent him at that point of time -when the spear is thrust into his side. Now I should be glad if you -would, in my presence, pink some impertinent fellow into convulsions, -without endangering his life, that I may have an opportunity of -taking a good clever agony from nature: the doctor will direct you -where to enter and how far to go, but pray let it be as near the -left side as possible." Wagtail, who took this proposal seriously, -observed, that it would be a very difficult matter to penetrate -into the left side of the thorax without hurting the heart, and in -consequence killing the patient; but he believed it was possible -for a man of a very nice hand and exact knowledge of anatomy, to -wound the diaphragma somewhere about the skirts, which might induce -a singultus, without being attended with death: that he was ready -to demonstrate the insertion of that muscle to Mr. Bragwell; -but desired to have no concern with the experiment, which might -essentially prejudice his reputation, in case of a miscarriage. -Bragwell was as much imposed upon by the painter's waggery as the -doctor, and declined engaging in the affair, saying he held a very -great regard for Mr, Slyboot, but had laid it down as a maxim, never -to fight except when his honour was engaged. A thousand jokes of -this kind were uttered; the wine circulated, supper was served in, -we ate heartily, returned to the bottle, Bragwell became noisy and -troublesome, Banter grew more and more severe, Ranter rehearsed, -Slyboot made faces at the whole company, I sang French catches, -and Chatter kissed me with great affection; while the doctor, with -a wofull countenance, sat silent like a disciple of Pythagoras. -At length, it was proposed by Bragwell, that we should scour the -hundreds, sweat the constable, maul the watch, and then reel soberly -to bed. - -While we deliberated upon this expedition, the waiter came into -the room, and asked for Doctor Wagtail: when he understood he was -present, he told him there was a lady below to inquire for him, at -which message the physician started from his melancholy contemplation, -and, with a look of extreme confusion, assured the company he could -not possibly be the person wanted, for he bad no connection with -any lady whatever, and bade the drawer tell her so. "For shame!" -cried Banter; "would you be so impolite as to refuse a lady -a hearing? perhaps she comes for a consultation. It must be some -extraordinary affair that brings a lady to a tavern at this time -of night. Mr. Ranter, pray do the doctor's base-mains to the lady, -and squire her hither." The player immediately staggered out, and -returned, leading in with much ceremony, a tall strapping wench, -whose appearance proclaimed her occupation. We received her with -the utmost solemnity, and with a good deal of entreaty she was -persuaded to sit, when a profound silence ensued, during which she -fixed her eyes, with a disconsolate look, upon the doctor, who was -utterly confounded at her behaviour, and returned her melancholy -fourfold; at length, after a good many piteous sighs, she wiped her -eyes, and accosted him thus: "What! not one word of comfort? Will -nothing soften that stony heart of thine? Not all my tears! not -all my affliction! not the inevitable ruin thou hast brought upon -me! Where are thy vows, thou faithless, perjured man? Hast thou -no honour--no conscience--no remorse for thy perfidious conduct -towards me? Answer me, wilt thou at last do me justice, or must I -have recourse to heaven or hell for my revenge?" If poor Wagtail -was amazed before she spoke, what must his confusion be on hearing -this address! His natural paleness changed into a ghastly clay -colour, his eyes rolled, his lip trembled, and he answered in an -accent not to be described, "Upon my word, honour, and salvation, -madam, you are actually mistaken in my person. I have a most -particular veneration for your sex, and, am actually incapable of -injuring any lady in the smallest degree, madam; besides, madam, -to the best of my recollection, I never had the honour of seeing -you before, as I hope to be saved, madam!" "How, traitor!" cried -she, "dost thou disown me then? Mistaken! no, too well I know that -fair bewitching face! too well I know that false enchanting tongue! -Alas! gentlemen, since the villain compels me by his unkindness, to -expose myself and him, know that this betrayer, under the specious -pretence of honourable addresses, won my heart, and taking advantage -of his conquest, robbed me of my virgin treasure, and afterwards -abandoned me to my fate! I am now four months gone with child by -him, turned out of doors by my relations, and left a prey to misery -and want! Yes, thou barbarian," said she, turning to Wagtail, "thou -tiger, thou succubus! too well thou knowest my situation. But I -will tear out thy faithless heart, and deliver the world from such -a monster." So saying, she sprang forward at the doctor, who with -incredible agility, jumped over the table, and ran behind Bragwell, -while the rest of us endeavoured to appease the furious heroine. -Although everybody in the company affected the utmost surprise, I -could easily perceive it was a scheme concerted among them to produce -diversion at the doctor's expense, and being under no concern about -the consequence, I entered into the confederacy, and enjoyed the -distress of Wagtail, who with tears in his eyes begged the protection -of the company, declaring himself as innocent of the crime laid to -his charge as the foetus in utero; and hinting at the same time, -that nature had not put it in his power to be guilty of such -a trespass. "Nature!" cried the lady, "there was no nature in the -case; he abused me by the help of charms and spells; else how is -it possible that any woman could have listened to the addresses -of such a scarecrow? Were these owlish eyes made for ogling; that -carrion complexion to be admired; or that mouth, like a horse-shoe, -to be kissed? No, no, you owe your success to your philtres, to -your drugs and incantations; and not to your natural talents, which -are, in every respect, mean and contemptible." - -The doctor thought he had got an opportunity of vindicating himself -effectually; and desired the complainant to compose herself but -for half-an-hour, in which he undertook to prove the absurdity -of believing in the power of incantations, which were only idle -dreams of ignorance and superstition. He accordingly pronounced -a very learned discourse upon the nature of ideas, the power and -independence of the mind, the properties of stimulating medicines, -the difference between a proneness to venery, which many simples -would create, and a passion limited to one object, which can only -be the result of sense and reflection; and concluded with a pathetic -remonstrance, setting forth his unhappiness in being persecuted with -the resentment of a lady whom he had never injured, nor even seen -before that occasion, and whose faculties were, in all likelihood, -so much impaired by her misfortunes that an innocent person was in -danger of being ruined by her disorder. He had no sooner finished -his harangue, than the forlorn princess renewed her lamentations, -and cautioned the company against his eloquence, which, she said, -was able to bias the most impartial bench in Christendom. Ranter -advised him to espouse her immediately, as the only means to save -his reputation, and offered to accompany him to the Fleet for that -purpose; but Slyboot proposed that a father should be purchased for -the child, and a comfortable alimony settled on the mother. Ranter -promised to adopt the infant gratis. Wagtail was ready to worship -him for his generosity, and, though he persisted in protesting his -innocence, condescended to everything rather than his unblemished -character should be called into question. The lady rejected the -proposal, and insisted on matrimony. Bragwell took up the cudgels -for the doctor, and undertook to rid him of her importunity for -half-a-guinea; upon which Wagtail, with great eagerness, pulled -out his purse, and put it into the hand of his friend, who, taking -half a piece out of it, gave it to the plaintiff, and bade her -thank God for her good fortune. When she had received this bounty, -she affected to weep, and begged, since the physician had renounced -her, he would at least vouchsafe her a parting kiss; this he was -prevailed upon to grant with great reluctance, and went up with -his usual solemnity to salute her, when she laid hold of his cheek -with her teeth, and held fast, while he roared with anguish, to -the unspeakable diversion of all present. When she thought proper -to release him, she dropped a low courtesy to the company, and -quitted the room, leaving the doctor in the utmost horror, not so -much on account of the pain, as the apprehension of the consequence -of the bite; for, by this time, he was convinced of her being mad. -Banter prescribed the actual cautery, and put the poker in the -fire to be heated, in order to sear the place. The player was of -opinion that Bragwell should scoop out the part affected. with the -point of his sword; but the painter prevented both these dreadful -operations by recommending a balsam he had in his pocket, which -never failed to cure the bite of a mad dog; so saying, he pulled -out a small bladder of black paint, with which he instantly anointed -not only the sore, but the greatest part of the patient's face, -and left it in a frightful condition. In short, the poor creature -was so harassed with fear and vexation, that I pitied him extremely, -and sent him home in a chair, contrary to the inclination of -everybody present. - -This freedom of mine gave umbrage to Bragwell, who testified his -displeasure by swearing a few threats, without making any application; -which, being perceived by Slyboot, who sat by me, he, with a view -of promoting a quarrel, whispered to me, that he thought Bragwell -used me very ill, but every man was the best judge of his own -affairs. I answered aloud, that I would neither suffer Mr. Bragwell -nor him to use me ill with impunity; and that I stood in no need of -his counsel in regard to the regulation of my conduct. He thought -proper to ask a thousand pardons, and assure me he meant no offence; -while Bragwell feigned himself asleep, that he might not be obliged -to take notice of what passed. But the player, who had more animal -spirits and less discretion than Slyboot, unwilling to let the -affair rest where he had dropped it, jogged Mr. Bragwell and told -him softly that I had called him names, and threatened to cudgel -him. This particular I understood by his starting, up and crying, -"Blood. and wounds, you lie! No man durst treat me so ignominiously. Mr. -Random, did you call me names, and threaten to drub me?" I denied -the imputation, and proposed to punish the scoundrel who endeavoured -to foment disturbance in the company. Bragwell signified his -approbation, and drew his sword; I did the same, and accosted the -actor in these words: "Lookee, Mr. Ranter; I know you possess all -the mimicry and mischievous qualities of an ape, because I have -observed you put them all in practice more than once to-night, on -me and others; now I want to see if you resemble one in nimbleness -also; therefore, I desire you leap over this sword without hesitation." -So saying, I held it parallel to the horizon, at the distance of -about three feet from the floor, and called, " Once-twice-thrice--and -away!" but, instead of complying with my demand, he snatched his -hat and hanger, and, assuming the looks, swagger, and phrase of -Pistol, burst out into the following exclamation, "Ha! must I then -perform inglorious prank of sylvan ape in mountain forest caught! -Death rock me asleep, abridge my doleful days, and lay my head in -fury's lap--Have we not Hiren here?" This buffoonery did not answer -his expectation, for, by this time, the company was bent on seeing -him in a new character. Mr. Banter desired me to hold my sword a -foot or two higher, that he might have the better opportunity of -exerting himself. The painter told him, if he performed well, he -would recommend him as a vaulter to the proprietors of Sadler's -Wells; and Bragwell crying, "Leap for the King!" applied the point -of his sword to the player's posteriors with such success, that he -sprang over in a trice, and, finding the door unguarded, vanished -in a twinkling; glad, no doubt, of having paid his share of the -reckoning so easily. - -It being now near two o'clock in the morning, we discharged -the bill, and sallied out into the street. The painter slunk away -without taking his leave. Billy Chatter, being unable to speak or -stand, was sent to a bagnio; and Banter and I accompanied Bragwell -to Moll King's coffee-house, where after he had kicked half a -dozen hungry whores, we left him asleep on a bench, and directed -our course towards Charing-cross, near which place both he and I -lodged. - -The natural dryness of my companion being overcome by liquor, he -honoured me by the way with many compliments and professions, of -friendship, for which I made suitable acknowledgments, and told -him I thought myself happy in having, by my behaviour, removed the -unfavourable opinion he entertained of me at first sight. He was -surprised at this declaration, and begged me to explain myself; upon -which I mentioned what I had overheard him say of me to Wagtail in -the coffee-house. He laughed, and made an apology for his freedom, -assuring me, that my appearance had very much prepossessed him -in my favour; and what he said was only intended as a joke on the -doctor's solemnity. I was highly pleased at being undeceived in -this particular, and not a little proud of the good opinion of this -wit, who shook me by the hand at parting, and promised to meet me -the next day at the ordinary. - - - - - -CHAPTER XLVII - - - - -Strap communicates to me a conquest he had made of a Chandler's -Widow--finds himself miserably mistaken--I go to the Opera--admire -Melinda--am cautioned by Banter--go to the Assembly at Hampstead--dance -with that young lady--receive an insolent message from Bragwell, -whose mettle is soon cooled--am in favour with my Mistress, whom I -visit next day, and am bubbled out of eighteen guineas at cards--Strap -triumphs at my success, but is astonished at my expense--Banter -comes to my lodging, is very sarcastic at my expense, and borrows -five guineas from me, as a proof of his friendship - - -In the morning, before I got up, Strap came into my chamber, and, -finding me awake, hemmed several times, scratched his head, cast -his eyes upon the ground, and, with a very foolish kind of simper -upon his face gave me to understand he had something to communicate. -"By your countenance," said I, "I expect to hear good tidings." -"Indifferently," replied he, tittering, "that is, hereafter as -it shall be. You must know, I have some thoughts of altering my -condition." "What!" cried I, astonished, "a matrimonial scheme? O -rare Strap! thou hast got the heels of me at last." "N--no less, -I assure you," said he, bursting into a laugh of self-approbation: -" a tallow chandler's widow that lives hard by, has taken a liking -to me, a fine jolly dame, as plump as a partridge. She has a -well-furnished house, a brisk trade, and a good deal of the ready. -I may have her for the asking. She told a friend of mine, a brother -footman, that she would take me out of a stinking clout. But I -refused to give my final answer, till I knew your opinion of the -matter." I congratulated Monsieur d'Estrapes upon his conquest, -and approved of the scheme, provided he could be assured of those -circumstances of her fortune; but advised him to do nothing rashly, -and give me an opportunity of seeing the lady before matters should -be brought to a conclusion. He assured me he would do nothing without -my consent and approbation, and that very morning, while I was at -breakfast, introduce his inamorata to my acquaintance. She was a -short thick woman, about the age of thirty-six, and had a particular -prominence of belly, which I perceived at first sight, not without -some suspicion of foul play. I desired her, however, to sit, and -treated her with a dish of tea; the discourse turning on the good -qualities of Strap, whom I represented as a prodigy of sobriety, -industry and virtue. When she took her leave, he followed her to the -door, and returned licking his lips, and asking if I did not think -she was a luscious creature. I made no mystery of my apprehension, -but declared my sentiments of her without reserve; at which he was -not surprised, telling me he had observed the same symptom, but -was informed by his friend that she was only livergrown and would -in few months be as small in the waist as ever. " Yes," said I, -"a few weeks, I believe, will do the business. In short, Strap, -it is my opinion, that you are egregiously imposed upon; and that -this friend is no other than a rascal who wants to palm his trull -upon you for a wife, that he may at once deliver himself from the -importunities of the mother and the expense of her bantling; for -which reason I would not have you trust implicitly to the report -he makes of her wealth, which is inconsistent with his behaviour, -nor run your head precipitately into a noose, that you may afterwards -wish exchanged for the hangman's." He seemed very much startled -at my insinuation, and promised to look twice before he leaped; -saying, with some heat, "Odds, if I find his intention is to betray -me, we shall see which of us is the better man." My prediction was -verified in less than a fortnight, her great belly producing an -infant, to the unspeakable amazement of Strap, who was before this -happened, inclinable to believe I had refined a little too much in -my penetration. His false friend disappeared; and a few days after -an execution was issued against her goods and household furniture, -which were seized by the creditors. - -Meanwhile I met my friend Banter at the ordinary, and in the evening -went to the Opera with him and Mr Chatter, who pointed out Melinda -in one of the boxes, and offered to introduce me to her, observing -at the same time, that she was a reigning toast worth ten thousand -pounds. This piece of information made my heart bound with joy, and -I discovered great eagerness to accept the proposal; upon which he -assured me I should dance with her at the next assembly, if he had -any influence in that quarter: so saying, he went round, spoke to -her some minutes, and, as I imagined, pointed at me; then returning, -told me, to my inexpressible pleasure, that I might depend upon -what he had promised, for she was now engaged as my partner. Banter -in a whisper, gave me to understand that she was an incorrigible -coquette, who would grant the same favour to any young fellow in -England of a tolerable appearance, merely to engage him among the -herd of her admirers, that she might have the pleasure of seeing -them daily increase; that she was of a cold insensible disposition, -dead to every passion but vanity, and so blind to merit, that he -would lay any wager the wealthiest fool would carry her at last. I -attributed a good deal of this intelligence to the satirical turn -of my friend, or resentment for having himself suffered a rebuff -from the lady in question. and, at any rate, trusted so much to my -own accomplishments as to believe no woman could resist the ardour -of my addresses. - -Full of this confidence I repaired to Hampstead in company with -Billy Chatter, my Lord Hobble, and Doctor Wagtail. There I saw a very -brilliant assembly, before whom I had the honour to walk a minuet -with Melinda, who charmed me with her frank manner and easiness of -behaviour. Before the country dances began, I received a message by -a person I did not know from Bragwell, who was present, importing -that nobody who knew him presumed to dance with Melinda while he -was there in person, that I would do well to relinquish her without -noise, because he had a mind to lead up a country dance with her. -This extraordinary intimation, which was delivered in the lady's -hearing, did not at all discompose me, who, by this time, was -pretty well acquainted with the character of my rival. I therefore, -without the least symptom of concern bade the gentleman tell Mr. -Bragwell, that since I was so happy as to obtain the lady's consent, -I should not be solicitous about his; and desired the bearer himself -to bring me no such impertinent messages for the future. Melinda, -affected a sort of confusion, and pretended to wonder that Mr. -Bragwell should give himself such liberties with regard to her, who -had no manner of connection with the fellow. I laid hold of this -opportunity to display my valour, and offered to call him to an -account for his insolence, a proposal which she absolutely refused, -under pretence of consulting my safety; though I could perceive, by -the sparkling of her eyes, that she would not have thought herself -affronted by being the subject of a duel. I was by no means pleased -with this discovery of her thoughts, which not only argued the most -unjustifiable vanity, but likewise the most barbarous indifference; -however, I was allured by her fortune, and resolved to gratify her -pride, in making her the occasion of a public quarrel between me -and Bragwell, who, I was pretty certain, would never drive matters -to a dangerous extremity. - -While we danced together, I observed this formidable rival at one -end of the room, encircled with a cluster of beaux, to whom he -talked with great vehemence, casting many big looks at me from time -to time. I guessed the subject of his discourse, and as soon as I -had handed my partner to her seat, strutted up to the place where -he stood, and, cocking my hat in his face, demanded aloud, if he -had anything to say to me. He answered with a sullen tone, "Nothing, -at present, sir;" and turned about upon his heel. "Well," said I, -"you where I am to be found at any time." His companions stared at -one another, and I returned to the lady, whose features brightened -at my approach, and immediately a whisper ran through the whole -room; after which so many eyes were turned upon me that I was ready -to sink with confusion. When the ball broke up, I led her to her -coach, and, like a true French gallant, would have got up behind -it, in order to protect her from violence on the road, but she -absolutely refused my offer, and expressed her concern that there -was not an empty seat for me within the vehicle. - -Next day, in the afternoon, I waited on her at her lodgings, by -permission, in company with Chatter, and was very civilly received -by her mother, with whom she lived. There were a good many fashionable -people present, chiefly young fellows, and immediately after tea, -a couple of card tables were set, at one of which I had the honour -to play with Melinda, who in less than three hours, made shift to -plunder me of eight guineas. I was well enough content to lose a -little money with a good grace, that I might have an opportunity -in the meantime to say soft things, which are still most welcome -when attended with good luck; but I was by no means satisfied of -her fair play, a circumstance that shocked me not a little, and -greatly impaired my opinion of her disinterestedness and delicacy. -However, I was resolved to profit by this behaviour, and treat her -in my turn with less ceremony; accordingly, I laid close siege to -her, and, finding her not at all disgusted with the gross incense -I offered, that very night made a declaration of love in plain -terms. She received my addresses with great gaiety, and pretended -to laugh them off, but at the same time treated me with such -particular complacency that I was persuaded I had made a conquest -of her heart, and concluded myself the happiest man alive. Elevated -with these flattering ideas, I sat down again to cards after supper, -and with great cheerfulness suffered myself to be cheated of ten -guineas more. - -It was late before I took my leave, after being favoured with -a general invitation; and, when I got into bed, the adventures of -the day hindered me from sleeping. Sometimes I pleased myself with -the hopes of possessing n fine woman with ten thousand pounds; then -I would ruminate on the character I had heard of her from Banter, -and compare it with the circumstances of her conduct towards me, -which seemed to bear too great a resemblance to the picture he had -drawn. This introduced a melancholy reflection on the expense I -had undergone, and the smallness of my funds to support it, which, -by-the-by, were none of my own. In short, I found myself involved -in doubts and perplexities, that kept me awake the greatest part -of the night. - -In the morning, Strap, with whom I had not conversed for two days, -presented himself with the utensils for shaving me; upon which, I -asked his opinion of the lady he had seen me conduct to her coach -at Hampstead. "Odds! she's a delicious creature!" cried he, "and, -as I am informed, a great fortune. I am sorry you did not insist on -going home with her. I dare say, she would not have refused your -company; for she seems to be a good-humoured soul." "There's a time -for all things," said I. "you must know, Strap, I was in company -with her till one o'clock this morning." I had no sooner pronounced -these words than he began to caper about the room, and snap -his fingers, crying in a transport, "The day's our own--the day's -our own!" I gave him to understand that his triumph was a little -premature, and that I had more difficulties to surmount than he was -aware of; then I recounted to him the intelligence I had received -from Banter. At which he changed colour, shook his head, and observed -there was no faith in woman. I told him I was resolved to make a -bold push notwithstanding, although I foresaw it would lead me into -a great expense; and bade him guess the sum I had lost last night -at cards. He scratched his chin, and protested his abhorrence of -cards, the very name of which being mentioned, made him sweat with -vexation, as it recalled the money-dropper to his remembrance. "But, -however," said he, "you have to do with other guess people now. -Why, I suppose, if you had a bad run last night, you would scarce -come off for less than ten or twelve shilling." I was mortified at -this piece of simplicity, which I imagined, at that time, was all -affected by way of reprimand for my folly; and asked with some heat -if he thought I had spent the evening in a cellar with chairmen -and bunters; giving him to know, at the same time, that my expense -had amounted to eighteen guineas. - -It would require the pencil of Hogarth to express the astonishment -and concern of Strap on hearing this piece of news; the basin, in -which he was preparing the lather for my chin, dropped out of his -hands, and he I remained some time immovable in that ludicrous -attitude, with his mouth open, and his eyes thrust forward considerably -beyond their station; but, remembering my disposition, which was -touchy, and impatient of control, he smothered his chagrin, and -attempted to recollect himself. With this view he endeavoured to -laugh, but in spite if his teeth, broke out in a whimper, took up -his wash-ball and pewter-pot, scrubbed my beard with the one, and -discharged the other upon my face. I took no notice of this confusion, -but after he had fully recovered himself, put him in mind of his -right, and assured him of my readiness to surrender my effects -whenever he should think proper to demand them. He was nettled -at my insinuation, which he thought proceeded from my distrust of -his friendship; and begged I would never talk to him in that strain -again, unless I had a mind to break his heart. - -This good creature's unalterable friendship for me affected me with -the most grateful sentiments, and acted as a spur to my resolution -of acquiring a fortune, that I might have it in my power to manifest -my generosity in my turn. For this purpose, I determined to bring -matters to a speedy conclusion with Melinda; well knowing that a -few such nights as the last would effectually incapacitate me from -prosecuting that or any other advantageous amour. - -While my meditation was busied in planning out my future conduct, -Mr. Banter favoured me with a visit, and after breakfast asked how -I had passed the preceding evening. I answered I was very agreeably -entertained at a private house. "Yes," said he, with a sarcastic -smile, "you deserve something extraordinary for the price you paid." -I was surprised at this remark, and pretended ignorance of his -meaning. "Come, come, Mr. Random," continued he, "you need not make -a mystery of it to me; the whole town has it. I wish that foolish -affair between you and Bragwell at Hampstead had been less public. -It has set all the busybodies at work to find out your real character -and situation; and you cannot imagine what conjectures have already -circulated at your expense. One suspects you to be a Jesuit in -disguise; another thinks you are an agent from the Pretender; a -third believes you to be an upstart gamester, because nobody knows -anything of your family or fortune; a fourth is of opinion that -you are an Irish fortune-hunter." This last hypothesis touched me -so nearly that, to conceal my confusion, I was fain to interrupt -his detail, and damn the world for an envious meddling community, -that would not suffer a gentleman to live without molestation. He -took no notice of this apostrophe, but went on. "For my own part, -I neither know nor desire to know who or what you are. This I -am certain of, that few people make a mystery of their origin or -situation, who can boast of anything advantageous in either; and -my own opinion of the matter is that you have raised yourself, by -your industry, from nothing to the appearance you now maintain, and -which you endeavour to support by some matrimonial scheme." Here he -fixed his eyes steadfastly upon me and perceiving my face covered -with blushes, told me, how he was confirmed in his opinion. "Look -ye, Random," said he, "I have divined your plan, and am confident -it will never succeed. You are too honest and too ignorant of -the town to practise the necessary cheats of your profession, and -detect the conspiracies that will be formed against you. Besides, -you are downright bashful. What the devil! set up for a fortune -hunter before you have conquered the sense of shame! Perhaps you -are entitled by your merit, and I believe you are, to a richer and -a better wife than Melinda; but take my word for it, she is not -to be won at that rate;--or, if you are so lucky as to carry her, -between you and me, you may say, as Teague said, By my soul, I -have gained a loss! She would take care to spend her fortune in a -twinkling, and soon make you sick of her extravagance." - -I was alarmed by his discourse, while I resented the freedom of -it, and expressed my disgust by telling him, he was mistaken in -my intentions, and desiring he would give me leave to regulate my -conduct according to the dictates of my own reason. He made no apology -for the liberty he had taken, and ascribed it to the warmth of his -friendship for me; as an uncommon instance of which he borrowed -five guineas, assuring me there were very few people in the world -who whom he could so far favour with his confidence. I gave him -the money, and professed myself so well convinced of his sincerity, -that he had no occasion to put it to such extraordinary proofs for -the future. "I thought," said he, "to have asked five pieces more, -but hearing you were bubbled of eighteen last night, I presumed you -might he out of cash, and resolved to model my demand accordingly." -I could not help admiring the cavalier behaviour of this spark, -of whom I desired to know his reason for saying I was bubbled. He -then gave me to understand, that before he came to my lodgings, -he had beat up Tom Tossle, who, being present, informed him of the -particulars, rehearsed all the fine things I said to Melinda, with -which he proposed to entertain the town, and among other circumstances, -assured him my mistress cheated with so little art, that nobody -but a mere novice could be imposed upon. - -The thoughts of becoming a subject of raillery for coxcombs, and -losing my money to boot, stung me to the quick; but I made a virtue -of my indignation, and swore that no man should with impunity either -asperse the character of Melinda, or turn my behaviour into ridicule. -He replied in a dry manner, that I would find it a Herculean task -to chastise everybody who should laugh at my expense; and, as for -the character of Melinda, he did not see how it could suffer by -what was laid to her charge; for that cheating at cards, far from -being reckoned a blemish among people of fashion, was looked upon -as an honourable indication of superior genius and address. "But -let us waive this subject," said he, "and go to the coffee-house, -in order to make a party for dinner." - - - - -CHAFTER XLVIII - - - -We repair to the coffee-house, where we overhear a curious dispute -between Wagtail and Medlar, which is referred to our decision--the -Doctor gives an account of his experiment--Medlar is roasted by -Banter at the ordinary--the old gentleman's advice to me - - -Being as willing to drop the theme as he was to propose it, I -accompanied him thither, where we found Mr. Medlar and Dr. Wagtail -disputing upon the word Custard, which the physician affirmed -should be spelt with a G, observing that it was derived from the -Latin verb gustare, "to taste;" but Medlar pleaded custom in behalf -of C, observing, that, by the Doctor's rule, we ought to change -pudding into budding, because it is derived from the French word -boudin; and in that case why not retain the original orthography -and pronunciation of all the foreign words we have adopted, by -which means our language would become a dissonant jargon without -standard or propriety? The controversy was referred to us; and -Banter, notwithstanding his real opinion to the contrary, decided -it in favour of Wagtail; upon which the peevish annuitant arose, -and uttering the monosyllable pish! with great emphasis, removed -to another table. - -We then inquired of the doctor, what progress he had made in the -experiment of distilling tinder-water; and he told us he had been -at all the glass-houses about town, but could find nobody who would -undertake to blow a retort large enough to hold the third part of -the quantity prescribed; but he intended to try the process on as -much as would produce five drops, which would be sufficient to prove -the specific, and then he would make it a parliamentary affair; -that he had already purchased a considerable weight of rags, in -reducing which to tinder, he had met with a misfortune, which had -obliged him to change his lodgings; for he had gathered them in -a heap on the floor, and set fire to them with a candle, on the -supposition that the boards would sustain no damage, because it -is the nature of flame to ascend; but, by some very extraordinary -accident, the wood was invaded, and began to blaze with great -violence, which disordered him so much, that he had not the presence -of mind enough to call for assistance, and the whole house must -have been consumed with him in the midst of it, had not the smoke -that rolled out of the windows in clouds alarmed the neighbourhood, -and brought people to his succour: that he had lost a pair of black -velvet breeches and a tie-wig in the hurry, besides the expense of -the rags, which were rendered useless by the water used to quench -the flame, and the damage of the floor, which he was compelled to -repair; that his landlord, believing him distracted, had insisted on -his quitting his apartment at a minute's warning, and he was put to -incredible inconvenience; but now he was settled in a very comfortable -house, and had the use of a large paved yard for preparing his -tinder; so that he hoped in a very short time to reap the fruits -of his labour. - -After having congratulated the doctor on his prospect, and read the -papers, we repaired to an auction of pictures, where we entertained -ourselves an hour or two; from thence we adjourned to the Mall, -and, after two or three turns, went back to dinner, Banter assuring -us, that he intended to roast Medlar at the ordinary; and, indeed, -we were no sooner set than this cynic began to execute his purpose, -by telling the old gentleman that he looked extremely well, -considering the little sleep he had enjoyed last night. To this -compliment Medlar made no reply, but by a stare, accompanied with -a significant grin; and Banter went on thus; "I don't know whether -most to admire the charity of your mind, or the vigour of your -body. Upon my soul, Mr. Medlar, you do generous things with the -best taste of any man I know! You extend your compassion to real -objects, and exact only such returns as they are capable of making. -You must know, gentlemen," said he, turning to the company, "I had -been up most part of the night with a friend who is ill of a fever, -and, on my return home this morning, chanced to pass by a gin shop -still open, whence issued a confused sound of mirth and jollity: -upon which, I popped in my head, and perceived Mr. Medlar dancing -bareheaded in the midst of ten or twenty ragged bunters, who rejoiced -at his expense. But indeed, Mr. Medlar, you should not sacrifice -your constitution to your benevolence. Consider, you grow old -apace; and, therefore, have a reverend care of your health, which -must certainly be very much impaired by these nocturnal expeditions." -The testy senior could no longer contain himself, but cried hastily, -"'Tis well known that your tongue is no slanderer." "I think," -said the other, " you might spare that observation, as you are -very sensible, that my tongue has done you signal service on many -occasions. You may remember, that, when you made your addresses -to the fat widow who kept a public-house at Islington, there was -a report spread very much to the prejudice of your manhood, which -coming to the ears of your mistress, you were discarded immediately: -and I brought matters to a reconciliation, by assuring her you had -three bastards at nurse in the country. How you ruined your own -affair afterwards, it is neither my business nor inclination to -relate." - -This anecdote, which had no other foundation than in Banter's own -invention, afforded a good deal of mirth to everybody present, -and provoked Mr. Medlar beyond all sufferance; so that he started -up in a mighty passion, and, forgetting that his mouth was full, -bespattered those who sat next to him, while he discharged his -indignation in a volley of oaths, and called Banter insignificant -puppy, impertinent jackanapes, and a hundred such appellations; -telling the company he had invented these false and malicious -aspersions, because he would not lend him money to squander away -upon rooks and whores. "A very likely story," said Banter, "that I -should attempt to borrow money of a man who is obliged to practise -a thousand shifts to make his weekly allowance hold out till Saturday -night. Sometimes he sleeps four-and-twenty hours at a stretch, by -which means he saves three meals, besides coffee-house expense. -Sometimes he is fain to put up with bread and cheese and small beer -for dinner; and sometimes he regales on twopennyworth of ox cheek -in a cellar." "You are a lying miscreant!" cried Medlar, in an -ecstacy of rage; "I can always command money enough to pay your -tailor's bill, which I am sure is no trifle; and I have a good mind -to give you a convincing proof of my circumstances, by prosecuting -you for defamation, sirrah." By this time the violence of his -wrath had deprived him of his appetite, and he sat silent, unable -to swallow one mouthful, while his tormentor enjoyed his mortification, -and increased his chagrin, by advising him to lay in plentifully -for his next day's fast. - -Dinner being ended, we came down stairs to the coffee room, and -Banter went away to keep an appointment, saying, he supposed he should -see Wagtail and me in the evening at the Bedford Coffee-house. He -was no sooner gone than the old gentleman took me aside, and said, -he was sorry to see me so intimate with that fellow, who was one of -the most graceless rakes about town, and had already wasted a good -estate and constitution upon harlots; that he had been the ruin -of many a young man, by introducing them into debauched company, -and setting a lewd example of all manner of wickedness; and that, -unless I were on my guard, he would strip me in a short time both -of my money and reputation. I thanked him for his information, -and promised to conduct myself accordingly, wishing, however, his -caution had been a few hours more early, by which means I might -have saved five guineas. Notwithstanding this intelligence, I was -inclinable to impute some part of the charge to Medlar's revenge -for the liberties taken with him at dinner; and therefore, as soon -as I could disengage myself, applied to Wagtail for his opinion -of the character in question, resolved to compare their accounts, -allowing for the prejudice of each, and to form my judgment upon -both, without adhering strictly to either. The doctor assured me, -that he was a very pretty gentleman of family and fortune; a scholar, -a wit, a critic, and perfectly well acquainted with the town; that -his honour and courage were unquestionable, though some extravagances -he had been guilty of, and his talents for satire had procured him -enemies, and made some people shy of his acquaintance. From these -different sketches, I concluded that Banter was a young fellow of -some parts, who had spent his fortune, but retained his appetites, -and fallen out with the world, because he could not enjoy it to -his wish. - -I went to the Bedford Coffee-house in the evening, where I met my -friends, from thence proceeded to the play, and afterwards carried -them home to my lodgings, where we supped in great good humour. - - - - - -CHAPTER XLIX - - - - -I receive a Challenge--the Consequence of it--the Quarrel being -made up, am put in Arrest by the Care and Affection of Strap--but -immediately released upon explaining my Affair--the Behaviour of -Mr. Oregan and his two Friends--I visit Melinda, whom I divert -with an account of the Duel--propose Marriage--she refers the Matter -to her Mother, of whom I make a solemn Demand of her Daughter--the -old Lady's behaviour--I am discarded---resent their Disdain - - -When I was ready to go abroad next day, Strap brought me a letter, -To Mr. Random, Esq., these; which, upon opening, I found contained -a challenge conceived in these very extraordinary terms: - - "Sir,--Whereas I am informed that you make love to Miss Melinda - Goosetrap, this is to let you know that she is under promise of - marriage to me; and that I am at this present waiting at the back - of Montague House, with a pair of good pistols in my hand; and if - you will keep your appointment, I will make your tongue confess - (after the breath is out of your body) that you do not deserve her - so well as - Yours, etc. Rourk Oregan." - -I guessed, from the style and superscription of this billet, that -my rival was a true Milesian, and was not a little uneasy at the -contents; especially that part, in which he asserted his right -to my mistress by promise, a circumstance I did not not know how -to reconcile to her good sense and penetration. However, this was -no time for me to decline the defiance, because the success of my -addresses in a great measure depended upon my behaviour in that -affair. I therefore immediately loaded my pistols, and betook myself -in a hackney coach to the place appointed, where I found a tall -raw-boned man, with a hard-featured countenance and black bushy beard, -walking by himself, wrapped up in a shabby green coat, over which -his own hair descended in leathern queue from his head, that was -covered with a greasy hat trimmed with a tarnished pointe d'Espagne. -He had no sooner perceived me advancing than he pulled a pistol -from his bosom, and, presenting it at me, snapped it without the -least preamble. Alarmed at this rude salutation, I made a stand, -and, before he could adjust his other piece, fired one of mine -at him, without doing any damage, By this time he was ready with -his second, that flashed in the pan without going off; upon which -he called, with a true Tipperary cadence, "Fire away, honey!" and -began to hammer his flint with great deliberation. But I was resolved -to make use of the advantage fortune had given me, and therefore -stepped up without throwing away my fire, desiring him to ask his -life, or prepare for another world; but this stout Hibernian refused -to condescend, and complained bitterly of my having quitted my -ground before he could return my shot: saying I ought to go back to -my station, and let him have an equal chance with me. I endeavoured -to persuade him that I had given him a double chance already: and -it was my business to prevent him from enjoying a third; but now, -since I had an opportunity, I demanded a parley, and desired to -know his condition and reason for calling me to the field, who, to -the best of my remembrance, far from having done him any injury, -had never before seen him. He told me that he was a gentleman of -fortune, who had spent all he had, and, hearing that Melinda had -got ten thousand pounds, he intended to make himself master of that -sum by espousing her, and he was determined, in an honourable way, -to cut the throats of all those who stood between him and his hopes. - -I then demanded to know the foundation of his hopes; and now that -I had seen him, being more and more astonished at the circumstance -of the promise, desired that he would explain that mystery. He -gave me to understand, that he trusted entirely to his birth and -personal merit; that he had frequently written to Melinda, setting -forth his claim and pretensions, but she was never kind enough to -send an answer, or even to admit him into her presence; and that -the promise he mentioned in his letter was made by his friend Mr. -Gahagan, who assured him that no woman could resist a man of his -appearance. I could not forbear laughing to excess at the simplicity -of my rival, who did not seem to relish my mirth, but began to be -very serious: upon which I endeavoured to appease him, by giving -him my word and honour that, far from prejudicing his addresses -to the lady, I would represent him to her in the most favourable -light I could with any regard to truth; but he must not be surprised -if she should remain blind to his deserts, for nothing was more -capricious than a woman's mind, and the affection of that sex was -seldom purchased with virtue alone. That my declaration might have -the better effect, I took notice of his deshabille, and, professing -sorrow at seeing a gentleman reduced, slipped two guineas into his -hand, at sight of which he threw away his pistols, and hugging me -in his arms, cried, "Arrah, by Jasus, now, you are the best friend -I have met with these seven long years!" When I had suffered some -minutes in his embrace, he quitted me, and picking up his rusty -arms, wished the devil might burn him if ever he should give me -any further trouble about womankind. - -The quarrel being thus amicably composed, I begged leave to look -at his pistols, which I found so crazy and so foul, that I believe -it was happy for him neither of them was discharged, for one of them -would certainly have split in the going off, and he would, in all -probability, have lost his hand in the explosion; but what gave me -a lively idea of the man's character was, to find, upon examination, -that one of them had been loaded without being primed, and the -other primed without a charge. - -While we walked home together, I expressed a desire of knowing my -new friend's history; and he informed me of his having served in the -German army as a volunteer against the Turks; that for his behaviour -at the siege of Belgrade, he had been honoured with an ensign's -commission, and afterwards promoted to the rank of lieutenant, in -which station it was his misfortune to affront his captain, who -challenged him to the field, and was killed in the duel, upon which -he was obliged to retreat; that he had been in England some years -soliciting his friends for provision in the British army; but -being hitherto unsuccessful, was desired by Mr. Gahagan to turn -his thoughts to matrimony, and make his fortune by an advantageous -match; in consequence of which advice, he had made up to Melinda: -and, having heard by means of an Irish footman in the family, that -I was her chief favourite, had called me out in hopes of removing -by my death the greatest obstruction to his desires; but now he -was convinced of my honour and generosity, he swore by the blessed -Virgin, he would think of her no more, if there were not another -woman in the world. As a further proof of his veracity, which I -did not at all doubt, he opened an old iron snuff-box, and pulled -out his commission in the Imperial army, and his captain's challenge, -which he preserved as testimonials of his character. I was so well -convinced of this poor man's honesty and courage, that I determined -to speak in his behalf to some of my acquaintance, who might recommend -his case to the consideration of those who could provide for him; -and in the meantime to accommodate him with a few clothes, by which -his appearance would be much mended, and himself enabled to renew -his solicitations in person. - -As we walked along conversing socially together, we were met by a -file of musketeers, and Strap at their head, who no sooner approached -than, with a frantic look, he cried, "Seize them! In the name of -God seize them!" We were accordingly surrounded, and I put in arrest -by the corporal, who was commanding officer; but Captain Oregan -disengaged himself, and ran with such speed towards Tottenham Court -Road that he was out of sight in a moment. When my arms were delivered -up, and myself secured, Strap became a little more composed, and -asked pardon for the liberty he had taken, which he hoped I would -excuse, as it proceeded from his affection. He then told me that, -suspecting the letter (which by the by was brought by the author -himself) contained something extraordinary, he had peeped through -the keyhole, and seen me load my pistols; upon which he ran down -to Whitehall, and applied to the officer on guard for a party to -put me in arrest, but before he returned, I was gone in a coach; -that he had inquired which way I went, and, having heard that duels -were commonly fought at the back of Montague House, he conducted -the guard to this place, where he thanked God for having found me -safe and sound. I gave him to understand that I forgave his officious -concern for once, but cautioned him in pretty severe terms for -making me the subject of idle conversation for the future; then -turning to the corporal, thanked him for his care, and gave him a -crown to drink with his men, assuring him that the rencontre was -over long before he came up, and everything compromised, as he -might have observed by our behaviour; as a farther proof of which, -he would find upon examination that one of my pistols had been -discharged: but this civil person, without giving himself or me -any farther trouble, received the bounty with a thousand bows and -acknowledgments, and, returning the pistols, released me immediately. - -He was not gone a hundred yards, when my friend Oregan came up in -order to rescue me, with two tatterdemalions, whom he had engaged -for that purpose about the purlieus of St. Giles's. One of them was -armed with a musket that wanted a lock, and another with a rusty -broadsword, but their dress surpassed all description. When he understood -I was already free. he made an apology for his abrupt departure, -and introduced me to his two companions: First, to Counsellor -Fitzclabber, who, he told me, was then employed in compiling a -history of the kings of Minster, from Irish manuscripts; and then -to his friend Mr. Gahagan, who was a profound philosopher and -politician, and had projected many excellent schemes for the good -of his country. But it seems these literati had been very ill -rewarded for their ingenious labours; for, between them both, there -was but one shirt, and half a pair of breeches. I thanked them -very kindly for their readiness to assist me, and, having offered -my service in my turn, bade them good morrow, desiring Oregan to -accompany me to my lodgings, where he was fitted with decent clothes -from my wardrobe, so much to his satisfaction, that he swore eternal -gratitude and friendship to me, and, at my request, recounted all -the adventures of his life. - -In the afternoon, I waited on Melinda, who received me with great -kindness and familiarity, and laughed excessively at my adventure -with the Irishman, to whose wishes she was no stranger, having -more than a dozen letters in her possession, which he had written -to her on the subject of love, and which, for my entertainment, she -submitted to my perusal. Having made ourselves merry at the expense -of this poor admirer, I seized the opportunity of her mother's going -out of the room, and introduced my own passion, which I recommended -to her with all the ardour and eloquence I was master of. I flattered, -sighed, swore, entreated, and acted a thousand extravagancies, -in hopes of making some impression on her heart; but she heard -everything I said without discovering the least emotion; and other -company came in before she would vouchsafe one serious reply. After -tea, the cards were brought in according to custom, and it was my -good fortune to have Melinda for my partner; by which means, instead -of losing, I came off with five guineas clear gain. - -I soon became acquainted with a good many people of fashion, and -spent my time in the modish diversions of the town, such as plays, -operas, masquerades, drums, assemblies, and muppet-shows; chiefly -in company with Melinda, whom I cultivated with all the eagerness -and address that my prospect could inspire, and my education afford. -I spared neither my person nor my purse to gratify her vanity and -pride; my rivals were intimidated, and indeed outshone; and, after -all, I began to fear that the dear creature had not a heart to -lose. - -At last, finding myself unable to support the expense of this amour -much longer, I was determined to bring the matter to a crisis; and -one evening, while we were together by ourselves, complained of -her indifference, described the tortures of suspense to a love-sick -mind, and pressed her to disclose her sentiments of matrimony and -me with such earnestness, that she could not, with all her art, -shift the subject, but was obliged to come to an eclaircissement. -She told me, with a careless air, that she had no objection to my -person, and if I could satisfy her mother in other particulars, I -should not find her averse to the match; but she was resolved to do -nothing in such a momentous concern without the advice and consent -of her parent. This was no very agreeable declaration to me, whose -aim had been to win her inclination first, and then secure my -conquest by a private marriage, to which I flattered myself she -would express no reluctance. That I might not, however, desert my -cause before it was desperate, I waited on her mother; and, with -great formality, demanded the daughter in marriage. The good lady, -who was a very notable woman, behaved with great state and civility; -thanked me for the honour I intended her family; and said, she -did not doubt that I was in all respects qualified to make a woman -happy; but it concerned her as a parent anxious about the welfare -of her child, to inquire into the particulars of my fortune, and -know what settlement I proposed to make. To this intimation, which -would have utterly disconcerted me if I had not expected it, I -replied, without hesitation that, though my fortune was very small, I -was a gentleman by birth and education, would maintain her daughter -in the sphere of a gentlewoman, and settle her own dowry on her and -her heirs for ever. This careful matron did not seem to relish my -proposal, but observed, w h a demure countenance, that there was -no necessity for settling that upon her child which was her own -already; however, if I pleased, her lawyer should confer with mine -upon the matter; and, in the meantime, she desired I would favour -her with a perusal of my rent-roll. Notwithstanding the vexation -I was under, I could scarce forbear laughing in her face at the -mention of my rent-roll, which was indeed a severe piece of satire -upon my pretensions. I frankly owned I had no landed estate; and -told her that I could not exactly specify the sum I was master of, -until I had regulated my affairs, which were at present in some -disorder; but that I would take an opportunity of satisfying her -on that head very soon. - -It was not long before I took my leave, and returned to my lodgings -in a very melancholy mood, persuaded that I had nothing more -to expect from that quarter. I was confirmed in this opinion next -day, when I went back with a view of explaining myself more fully -to the old gentlewoman; and was told by the footman that his ladies -were not at home, although I had seen Melinda through the blinds -at a parlour window, as I went up to the door. Incensed at this -affront, I quitted the door without saying one word, and as I -repassed the parlour, bowed to Miss, who still remained in the same -situation, securely screened, as she thought, from my view. - -This disappointment gave me more uneasiness on Strap's account -than my own, for I was in no danger of dying for love of Melinda; -on the contrary, the remembrance of my charming Narcissa was a -continual check upon my conscience during the whole course of my -addresses; and perhaps contributed to the bad success of my scheme, -by controlling my raptures and condemning my design. - -There was a necessity for informing my companion of everything that -happened to me and I performed this piece of duty in an affected -passion, swearing I would be his pack-horse no longer, and desiring -him to take the management of his affairs into his own hands. This -finesse had the desired effect, for, instead of grumbling over my -miscarriage, Strap was frightened at the passion I feigned, and -begged me, for the love of God, to be appeased; observing that, -although we had suffered a great loss, it was not irreparable; -and if Fortune frowned to day, she might perhaps smile to-morrow. -I pretended to acquiesce in his remarks, praise his equanimity, and -promised to improve my misfortune. He, on the other hand, pretended -to be perfectly well satisfied with my conduct, and conjured me -to follow the dictates of my own reflection; but, in spite of all -his affectation, I could perceive his inward affliction, and his -visage sensibly increased in longitude from that day. - - - - - -CHAPTER L - - - - -I long to be revenged on Melinda--apply to Banter for his Assistance--he -contrives a scheme for that purpose--which is put in Execution with -great Success--I make an Attempt upon the Heart of Miss Gripewell, -but am disappointed--grow melancholy at my Disappointment, and have -recourse to the Bottle--receive a Billet-doux--am ravished with -the Contents--find myself involved in Intrigue, which I imagined -would make my Fortune--am confounded at my mistake, which banishes -all Thoughts of Matrimony - - -In the meantime, my attention was wholly engrossed in search of -another mistress, and the desire of being revenged on Melinda, in -both which schemes I was very much assisted by Billy Chatter, who -was such a necessary creature among the ladies, that in all private -dances he engaged the men. To him therefore I applied, desiring -he would introduce me to a partner of some figure, at the next -private assembly, for the sake of a frolic, the intention of which -I would afterwards communicate. Billy, who had heard something of -a difference between Melinda and me, immediately smoked part of my -design, and, thinking I only wanted to alarm her jealousy a little, -promised to gratify my desire, by matching me with a partner worth -thirty thousand pounds, whom the ladies of this end of the town had -lately taken under their management and protection. Upon further -inquiry, I found this person's name was Miss Biddy Gripewell; that -her father, who had been a pawnbroker, died intestate, by which -means all his substance descended to his daughter, who was so -little a favourite that, could the old man have prevailed with his -own rapacious disposition to part with as much money as would have -paid the expense of a will, she would not have inherited the sixth -part of his fortune; that during his life, far from being educated -in a way suitable to such great expectations, she was obliged to -live like a servant wench, and do the most menial offices in the -family. But his funeral was no sooner performed, than she assumed -the fine lady, and found so many people of both sexes to flatter, -caress, and instruct her, that, for want of discretion and experience, -she was grown insufferably vain and arrogant, and pretended to no -less than a duke or earl at least for her husband; that she had the -misfortune to be neglected by the English quality, but a certain -poor Scottish lord was then making interest to be introduced to -her acquaintance. In the meantime, she was fallen into the hands -of a notable lady, who had already disposed of her to a lieutenant -of foot, a distant relation of her ladyship's, though Miss as yet -knew nothing of the affair; and lastly that if I proposed to dance -with her, I must give him leave to represent me as a knight, or -foreign count at least. I was ravished at this piece of information, -and consented for one night, to personate a French marquis, that -I might the easier fulfil my revenge. - -Having made the appointment with Chatter I went to Banter's lodgings, -as I had by this time conceived a great opinion of his penetration -and knowledge; and, after I had enjoined secrecy, told him every -circumstance of my disgrace with Melinda, and imparted the plan I -had projected to mortify that proud coquette, desiring his advice -in proving, and assistance in executing the scheme. Nothing could -be more agreeable to his misanthropical temper than an account -of her behaviour and my resentment: he applauded my resolution, -and proposed that I should not only provide myself with a proper -partner, but also procure such a one for Miss Goosetrap, as should -infallibly entail upon her the ridicule of all her acquaintance. For -this purpose he mentioned his barber who he said, was an exceeding -coxcomb lately come from Paris, whose absurd affectation and -grimace, would easily pass upon her for the sprightly politesse -of a gentleman improved by travel. I hugged him for this hint; and -he assured me it would be no difficult matter to make him believe, -that Melinda, having seen him by accident, was captivated by his -appearance, and begged for his acquaintance. He actually engaged him -on this pretence, and painted his good fortune in such colours that -the poor shaver was quite beside himself with joy. He was immediately -fitted with a tawdry suit of clothes belonging to Banter, and by -him recommended to Chatter as a very pretty fellow, just returned -from his travels. Master Billy, who acted as a gentleman usher to -a great many of the fair sex in and about town, undertook at once -to bespeak Melinda in his behalf; and everything happened according -to my wish. - -At the time appointed I appeared dressed to the best advantage; -and, in the character of a Marquis, bad the honour of opening the -ball with the rich heiress, who attracted the eyes of the whole -company by the prodigious number of jewels with which she was adorned. -Among others I perceived Melinda, who could not more conceal her -envy than astonishment at my success; her curiosity was still more -flagrant and tormenting, for she had never seen Miss Gripewell -before; and Chatter, who alone could give her any satisfaction -on that head, was engaged in conversation at the other end of the -room. I observed her impatience, and exulted in her chagrin; and -after my partner was set, took the opportunity of passing by her -to make a slight bow without stopping, which completed my triumph -and her indignation. She changed colour, bridled up, assumed an -air of disdain, and flirted her fan with such a fury, that it went -to pieces in a moment, to the no small entertainment of those who -sat near and observed her. - -At length the metamorphosed barber took her out, and acted his -part with such ridiculous extravagance that the mirth of the whole -company was excited at his expense, and his partner was so much -ashamed that, before the country dances began, she retired in -great confusion, under pretence of being taken suddenly ill, and -was followed by her gallant, who no doubt imagined her indisposition -was nothing but love; and laid hold of the occasion of conducting -her home, to comfort her, with an assurance of his entertaining a -reciprocal passion. They were no sooner gone than an inquisitive -whisper of "Who is he?" ran round the room; and Chatter could give -them no other intelligence about him than that he was a man of -fortune just returned from his travels. I, who alone was acquainted -with his real quality, affected ignorance well knowing that female -curiosity would not rest satisfied with such a general account, and -that the discovery would proceed with a better grace from anybody -than me. - -Meanwhile, I was tempted by the richness of the prize to practise -upon Miss Gripewell's heart, but soon found it too well fortified -with pride and indifference to yield to any efforts in my own -character, and I neither would nor could preserve the title I had -borrowed longer than that night. - -As I expected, everything came to light next day. The barber, in -pure simplicity of heart, detected himself to Melinda, and discovered -the foundation of his hopes; she sickened at the affront, and -was ashamed to show her face in public for many weeks after this -accident. Poor Chatter found it impossible to justify himself to -her satisfaction; was in utter disgrace with Miss Gripewell, for -having imposed me upon her as a nobleman; and suffered very much -in his character and influence among the ladies in general. - -Finding my finances diminished more than one-half, and my project -as little advanced as on the first day of my arrival in town, I -began to despair of my success, and grew melancholy at the prospect -of approaching want. To dispel the horrors of this fiend I had -recourse to the bottle, and kept more company than ever. I became -particularly attached to the playhouse, conversed with the actors -behind the scenes, grew acquainted with a body of templars, and in -a short time commenced a professed wit and critic. Indeed, I may -say, without vanity, that I was much better qualified than any one -of my companions, who were, generally speaking, of all the creatures -I ever conversed with, the most ignorant and assuming. By means of -these avocations I got the better of care, and learned to separate -my ideas in such a manner that, whenever I was attacked by a gloomy -reflection, I could shove it aside, and call in some agreeable -reverie to my assistance. This was not the case with Strap, who -practised a thousand shifts to conceal the sorrow that preyed upon -his carcass, and reduced him to the resemblance of a mere skeleton. - -While I thus posted, in a thoughtless manner, towards poverty, I one -day received, by the penny post, a letter written in a woman's hand, -containing a great many high-flown compliments, warm protestations -of love, couched in a very poetical style, an earnest desire of -knowing whether or not my heart was engaged, by leaving an answer -at a certain place, directed to R. B., and the whole subscribed "Your -incognita." I was transported with joy on reading the contents of -this billet-doux, which I admired as a masterpiece of tenderness -and elegance, and was already up to my ears in love with the author, -whom my imagination represented as a lady of fortune, in the bloom -of youth and beauty. Elevated with this conjecture, I went to work, -and exhausted my invention in composing an answer suitable to the -sublimity of her style and the ardour of her sentiments. I expressed -my admiration of her wit in terms the most hyperbolical, and while -I acknowledged myself unworthy of her regard, declared myself enamoured -of her understanding; and in the most pathetic manner implored -the honour of an interview. Having finished this performance, and -communicated it to Strap, who skipped about for joy, I dispatched -him with it to the place appointed, which was the house of a milliner -not far from Bond Street, and desired him to keep watch near the -door for some time, that he might discover the person who should call -for it. In less than an hour he returned with a joyful countenance, -and told me that, soon after he had delivered the letter, a chairman -was called, to whom it was given, with directions to carry it to the -house of a rich gentleman in the neighbourhood, whither he (Strap) -followed him, and saw him put it into the hands of a waiting-woman, -who paid the messenger, and shut the door; that, upon inquiry at an -alehouse hard by, where he called for a pint of beer, he understood -the gentleman to whom the house belonged had an only daughter, very -handsome, who would inherit his whole estate; and who certainly was -the author of the billet I had received. I was of the same opinion, -and, hugging myself in the happy prospect, dressed immediately, and -passed in great state the house that contained my unknown admirer. -Nor was my vanity disappointed; for I perceived a beautiful young -creature standing at one of the windows of the dining-room, who, I -imagined, observed me with more than common curiosity. That I might -indulge her view, and at the same time feast my own, I affected to -stop, and gave orders to Strap, in the street, just opposite to -her station, by which means I had an opportunity of seeing her more -distinctly, and of congratulating myself on having made a conquest -of so much perfection. In a few moments she retired, and I betook -myself to the ordinary in a rapture of hope, which deprived me -of my appetite for that meal, and sent me home in the evening to -indulge my contemplation. - -Early next day, I was favoured with another epistle from my unknown -admirer, signifying her unutterable joy at the receipt of mine, -which, while it made a tender of my heart, convinced her of the -value of it. Above all things, she professed her extreme pleasure -in finding me so much attached to her understanding, a circumstance -that not only flattered her in the most sensible part, but at the -same time argued my own sagacity. As for the interview I desired, -she assured me, that I could not be more eager for such an occasion -than she; but she must not only sacrifice little more to decorum, -but be satisfied of my honourable intentions, before she could grant -that request. Meanwhile she gave me to understand that, although -she might owe some deference to the opinion of certain persons, she -was resolved, in an affair that so nearly concerned her happiness, -to consult her own inclination, preferable to the advice of the -whole world; especially as she was urged to such condescension -by no consideration of fortune, what she depended upon being her -own without restriction or control. Struck with admiration at the -philosophy and self-denial of my mistress, who seemed insensible -of the beauty she possessed, and in particular ravished with that -piece of intelligence by which I learned her fortune was independent; -I resumed the pen, launched out into encomiums on the dignity of her -sentiments, affected to undervalue the charms of external beauty, -pretended to ground my passion on the qualities of her mind, complained -of her rigour in sacrificing my repose to an overscrupulous regard -to decorum, and declared the purity of my designs in the most solemn -and pathetic vows. This performance being sealed and directed, was -sent to the place appointed by Strap, who, that we might be still -the more confirmed in our belief, renewed his watch, and in a -little time brought back the same information as before, with this -addition, that Miss Sparkle (the name of my correspondent), looking -out at the window, no sooner saw the messenger arrive. than she -shut the casement in a sort of beautiful confusion, and disappeared, -eager no doubt to hear from the dear object of her love. - -My doubts now vanished, the long-expected port appeared, and I -looked upon myself as perfectly secure of that happiness I had been -in quest of so long. After dinner, I sauntered in company with Dr. -Wagtail, to that part of the town in which my inamorata lived; and, -as he was a mere register, inquired of him into the name, character, -and fortune of everybody who possessed a good house in the streets -through which we passed. When it came to his turn to mention Sir -John Sparkle, he represented him as a man of an immense estate -and narrow disposition, who mewed up his only child, a fine young -lady, from the conversation of mankind, under the strict watch and -inspection of an old governante, who was either so honest, envious, -or insatiable, that nobody had been as yet able to make her a friend, -or get access to her charge, though numbers attempted it every day; -not so much on account of her expectations from her father, who, -being a widower, might marry again and have sons, as for a fortune -of twelve thousand pounds left her by an uncle, of which she could -not be deprived. This piece of news, exactly tallying with the -last part of the letter I had been honoured with in the morning, -had such an effect on me, that any man except Wagtail might have -observed my emotion; but his attention was too much engrossed by -the contemplation of his own importance to suffer him to be affected -with the deportment of any other body, unless it happened to be so -particular that he could not help taking notice of it. - -When I had disengaged myself from him, whose conversation grew -insipid to me, I went home, and made Strap acquainted with the -fruit of my researches. This faithful squire was almost choked -with transport, and even wept with joy; but whether on account of -himself or me, I shall not pretend to determine. Next day a third -billet-doux was brought to me, containing many expressions of -tenderness, mingled with some affecting doubts about the artifice -of man, the inconstancy of youth, and the jealousy often attending -the most sincere passion; withal desiring I would excuse her, if she -should try me a little longer, before she declared herself beyond -the power of retracting. These interesting scruples added fuel to -my flame and impatience to my hope; I redoubled my complaints of her -indifference, and pressed her to an assignation with such fervent -entreaties, that in a few days she consented to meet me at the -house of that milliner who had forwarded all my letters. During the -interval between the date of her promise and the hour of appointment, -my pride soared beyond all reason and description; I lost all -remembrance of the gentle Narcissa, and my thoughts were wholly -employed in planning triumphs over the malice and contempt of the -world. - -At length the happy hour arrived. I flew to the place of rendezvous, -and was conducted into an apartment, where I had not waited ten -minutes, when I heard the rustling of silk, and the sound of feet -ascending the stairs; my heart took the alarm, and beat quick; my -cheeks glowed, my nerves thrilled, and my knees shook with ecstacy! -I perceived the door opening, saw a gold brocade petticoat advance, -and sprang forward to embrace my charmer. Heaven and earth! how -shall I paint my situation, when I found Miss Sparkle converted into -a wrinkled hag turned of seventy! I was struck dumb with amazement, -and petrified with horror! This ancient Urganda, perceived my -disorder, and, approaching with a languishing air, seized my hand, -asking in a squeaking tone, if I was indisposed. Her monstrous -affectation completed the disgust I had conceived for her at her -first appearance, and it was a long time before I could command -myself so much as to behave with common civility: at length, however, -I recollected myself, and pronounced an apology for my behaviour, -which I said proceeded from a dizziness that seized me all of a -sudden. My hoary Dulcinea, who, no doubt, had been alarmed at my -confusion, no sooner learned the cause to which I now ascribed it, -than she discovered her joy in a thousand amorous coquetries, and -assumed the sprightly airs of a girl of sixteen. One while she -ogled me with her dim eyes, quenched in rheum; then, as if she was -ashamed of that freedom, she affected to look down, blush, and play -with her fan; then toss her head that I might not perceive a palsy -that shook it, ask some childish questions with a lisping accent, -giggle and grin with her mouth shut to conceal the ravage of time -upon her teeth, leer upon me again, sigh piteously, fling herself -about in her chair to show her agility, and act a great many more -absurdities that youth and beauty can alone excuse. Shocked as I -was at my disappointment, my disposition was incapable of affronting -any person who loved me; I therefore endeavoured to put a good face -to the matter for the present, resolved to drop the whole affair -as soon as I should get clear of her company; with this view, I -uttered some civil things, and in particular desired to know the -name and condition of the lady who had honoured me so much. She -told me her name was Withers, that she lived with Sir John Sparkle -in quality of governess to his only daughter, in which situation -she had picked up a comfortable sufficiency to make her easy for -life; that she had the pleasure of seeing me at church, where my -appearance and deportment made such an impression upon her heart, -that she could enjoy no ease until she had inquired into my character, -which she found so amiable in all respects, that she yielded to the -violence of her inclination, and ventured to declare her passion -with too little regard perhaps to the decorum of her sex; but she -hoped I would forgive a trespass of which I myself was in some -measure the cause, and impute her intrusion to the irresistible -dictates of love. No decayed rake ever swallowed a bolus with more -reluctance than I felt in making a reply suitable to this compliment, -when, instead of the jewel, I found the crazy casket only in my -power; and yet my hopes began to revive a little, when I considered, -that, by carrying on the appearance of an intrigue with the duenna, -I might possibly obtain access to her charge. Encouraged by this -suggestion, my temper grew more serene, my reserve wore off, I -talked en cavalier, and even made love to this antiquated coquette, -who seemed extremely happy in her adorer, and spread all her -allurements to make her imagined conquest more secure. The good -woman of the house treated us with tea and sweetmeats, and afterwards -withdrew, like a civil experienced matron as she was. - -Left thus to our mutual endearments, Miss Withers (for she was -still a maiden) began to talk of matrimony, and expressed so much -impatience in all her behaviour that, had she been fifty years -younger, I might possibly have gratified her longing without having -recourse to the church; but this step my virtue as well as interest -forbade. When the inclinations of an old maid settle upon a young -fellow. he is persecuted with her addresses; but, should he once -grant her the favour, he will never be able to disentangle himself -from her importunities and reproaches. It was my business to defer -the ceremony as long as possible, under the most specious pretences, -with a view of becoming acquainted with Miss Sparkle in the meantime; -and I did not despair of success, when I considered, that in the -course of our correspondence, I should I all probability be invited -to visit my mistress in her own apartment, and by these means have -an opportunity of conversing with her charming ward. Pleased with -this prospect, my heart dilated with joy; I talked in raptures to -the state governante, and kissed her shrivelled hand with great -devotion, She was so much transported with her good fortune, that -she could not contain her ecstacy, but flew upon me like a tigress, -and pressed her skinny lips to mine; when (as it was no doubt -concerted by her evil genius) a dose of garlic she had swallowed -that morning, to dispel wind, I suppose, began to operate with such -a sudden explosion, that human nature, circumstanced as I was, could -not endure the shock with any degree of temper. I lost all patience -and reflection, flung away from her in an instant, snatched my hat -and cane, and ran downstairs as if the devil had me in pursuit, -and could scarcely retain the convulsion of my bowels, which were -grievously offended by the perfume that assaulted me. Strap, who -waited my return with impatience, seeing me arrive in the utmost -disorder, stood motionless with apprehension, and durst not inquire -into the cause. - -After I had washed my mouth, more than once, and recruited my -spirits with a glass of wine, I recounted to him every particular -of what had happened; to which he made no other reply for some -time than lifting up his eyes, clasping his hands, and uttering a -hollow groan. At length he observed, in a melancholy tone, that it -was a thousand pities my organs were so delicate as to be offended -with the smell of garlic. "Ah! God help us," said he, "'tis not -the steams of garlic, no, nor of something else, that would give -me the least uneasiness--see what it is to be a cobler's son!" -I replied hastily, "I wish then you would go and retrieve my -miscarriage." At this suggestion he started, forced a smile, and -left the room, shaking his head. Whether the old gentlewoman resented -my abrupt departure so much that her love changed into disdain, -or was ashamed to see me on account of her infirmity, I know not; -but I was never troubled again with her passion. - - - - - -CHAPTER LI - - - - -I cultivate an Acquaintance with two Noblemen--am introduced to -earl Strutwell--his kind Promise and Invitation--the Behaviour of -his Porter and Lacquey--he receives me with an Appearance of uncommon -Affection--undertakes to speak in my Behalf to the Minister--informs -me of his Success, and wishes me Joy--introduces a Conversation -about Fetronius Arbiter--falls in Love with my Watch, which I press -upon him--I make a present of a Diamond Ring to Lord Straddle--impart -my good Fortune to Strap and Banter, who disabuses me, to my utter -Mortification - - -Baffled hitherto in my matrimonial schemes, I began to question my -talents for the science of fortune-hunting, and to bend my thoughts -towards some employment under the government. With the view of -procuring which, I cultivated the acquaintance of Lords Straddle -and Swillpot, whose fathers were men of interest at court. I found -these young noblemen as open to my advances as I could desire; I -accompanied them in their midnight rambles, and often dined with -them at taverns, where I had the honour of paying the reckoning. - -I one day took the opportunity, while I was loaded with protestations -of friendship, to disclose my desire of being settled in some -sinecure, and to solicit their influence in my behalf. Swillpot, -squeezing my hand, said, I might depend upon his service by G--. -The other swore that no man would be more proud than he to run my -errands. Encouraged by these declarations, I ventured to express -an inclination to be introduced to their fathers, who were able to -do my business at once. Swillpot frankly owned he had not spoken to -his father these three years; and Straddle assured me, his father, -having lately disobliged the minister by subscribing his name to -a protest in the house of peers, was thereby rendered incapable of -serving his friends at present; but he undertook to make me acquainted -with Earl Strutwell, who was hand and glove with a certain person -who ruled the roast. This offer I embraced with many acknowledgments, -and plied him so closely, in spite of a thousand evasions, that he -found himself under a necessity of keeping his word, and actually -carried me to the levee of this great man, where he left me in a -crowd of fellow-dependents, and was ushered to a particular closet -audience; from whence, in a few minutes, he returned with his -lordship, who took me by the hand, assured me he would do me all -the service he could, and desired to see me often. I was charmed -with my reception, and, although I had heard that a courtier's -promise is not to be depended upon, I thought I discovered so much -sweetness of temper and candour in this earl's countenance, that I -did not doubt of finding my account in his protection. I resolved -therefore to profit by this permission, and waited on him next -audience day, when I was favoured with a particular smile, squeeze -of the hand, and a whisper, signifying that he wanted half-an-hour's -conversation with me in private, when he should be disengaged, and -for that purpose desired me to come and drink a dish of chocolate -with him to-morrow morning. - -This invitation, which did not a little flatter my vanity and -expectation, I took care to observe, and went to his lordship's -house at the time appointed. Having rapped at the gate, the porter -unbolted and kept it half open, placing himself in the gap, like -soldiers in the broach, to dispute my passage. I asked if his lord -was stirring? He answered with a surly aspect, " No." "At what -hour does he commonly rise?" said I. "Sometimes sooner, sometimes -later," said he, closing the door upon me by degrees. I then told -him I was come by his lordship's own appointment, to which intimation -this Cerberus replied, "I have received no orders about the matter," -and was upon the point of shutting me out, when I recollected myself -all of a sudden, and slipping a crown into his hand, begged as a -favour that he would inquire, and let me know whether or not the -earl was up. The grim janitor relented at the touch of my money, -which he took with all the indifference of a taxgatherer, and showed -me into a parlour, where, he said, I might amuse myself till such -time as his lord should be awake. I had not sat ten minutes in this -place, when a footman entered, and, without speaking, started at -me; I interpreted this piece of his behaviour into, "Pray, sir, -what is your business?" and asked the same question I had put to -the porter, when I accosted him first. The lacquey made the same -reply, and disappeared before I could get any further intelligence. -In a little time he returned, on pretence of poking the fire, and -looked at me again with great earnestness; upon which I began to -perceive his meaning, and, tipping him with half-a-crown, desired -he would be so good as to fall upon some method of letting the -earl know that I was in the house. He made a low bow, said, "Yes, -sir," and vanished. This bounty was not thrown away, for in an instant -he came back, and conducted me to a chamber, where I was received -with great kindness and familiarity by his lordship, whom I found -just risen, in his morning-gown, and slippers. After breakfast, he -entered into a particular conversation with me about my travels, -the remarks I had made abroad, and examined me to the full extent -of my understanding. My answers seemed to please him very much, -he frequently squeezed my hand, and, looking at me with a singular -complacency in his countenance, bade me depend upon his good offices -with the ministry in my behalf. "Young men of your qualifications," -said he, "ought to be cherished by every administration. For my -own part, I see so little merit in the world, that I have laid it -down as a maxim, to encourage the least appearance of genius and -virtue to the utmost of my power: you have a great deal of both; -and will not fail of making a figure one day, if I am not mistaken; -but you must lay your account with mounting by gradual steps to -the summit of your fortune. Rome was not built in a day. As you -understand the languages perfectly well, how would you like to -cross the sea as secretary to an embassy?" I assured his lordship, -with great eagerness, that nothing could be more agreeable to my -inclination: upon which he bade me make myself easy, my business -was done, for he had a place of that kind in his view. This piece -of generosity affected me so much, that I was unable for some time -to express my gratitude, which at length broke out in acknowledgments -of my own unworthiness, and encomiums on his benevolence. I could -not even help shedding tears at the goodness of this noble lord, -who no sooner perceived them than he caught me in his arms, and -hugged and kissed me with a seemingly paternal affection. Confounded -at this uncommon instance of fondness for a stranger, I remained a -few moments silent and ashamed; then rose and took my leave, after -he had assured me that he would speak to the minister in my favour -that very day; and desired that I would not for the future give -myself the trouble of attending at his levee, but come at the same -hour every day, when he should be at leisure, that is, three times -a week. - -Though my hopes were now very sanguine, I determined to conceal my -prospect from everybody, even from Strap, until I should be more -certain of success: and in the meantime give my patron no respite -from my solicitations. When I renewed my visit, I found the -street-door opened to me as if by enchantment; but in my passage -towards the presence-room, I was met by the valet-de-chambre, who -cast some furious looks at me the meaning of which I could not -comprehend. The earl saluted me at entrance with a tender embrace, -and wished me joy of his success with the Premier, who, he said, -had preferred his recommendation to that of two other noblemen -very urgent in behalf of their respective friends, and absolutely -promised that I should go to a certain foreign court in quality of -secretary to an ambassador and plenipotentiary who was to set out -in a few weeks an affair of vast importance to the nation. I was -thunderstruck with my good fortune, and could make no other reply -than kneel and attempt to kiss my benefactor's hand, which submission -he would not permit; but, raising me up, pressed me to his breast -with surprising emotion, and told me he had now taken upon himself -the care of making my fortune. What enhanced the value of the benefit -still the more, was his making light of the favour, and shifting -the conversation to another subject. - -Among other topics of discourse, that of the Belles Lettres was -introduced, upon which his lordship held forth with great taste -and erudition and discovered an intimate knowledge of the authors -of antiquity, "Here's a book," said he, taking one from his bosom, -"written with great elegance and spirit; and, though the subject may -give offence to some narrow-minded people, the author will always -be held in esteem by every person of wit and learning." So saying, -he put into my hand Petronius Arbiter, and asked my opinion of -his wit and manner. I told him, that, in my opinion, he wrote with -great ease and vivacity, but was withal so lewd and indecent that -he ought to find no quarter or protection among people of morals -and taste. "I own," replied the earl, "that his taste in love is -generally decried, and indeed condemned by our laws; but perhaps -that may be more owing to prejudice and misapprehension than to -true reason and deliberation. The best man among the ancients is -said to have entertained that passion; one of the wisest of their -legislators has permitted the indulgence of it in his commonwealth; -the most celebrated poets have not scrupled to avow it. At this day -it prevails not only over all the East, but in most parts of Europe; -in our own country, it gains ground apace, and in all probability -will become in a short time a more, fashionable vice than simple -fornication. Indeed there is something to be said in vindication of -it; for, notwithstanding the severity of the law against offenders -in this way, it must be confessed that the practice of this passion is -unattended with that curse and burthen upon society which proceeds -from a race of miserable and deserted bastards, who are either murdered -by their parents, deserted to the utmost want and wretchedness, -or bred up to prey upon the commonwealth: and it likewise prevents -the debauchery of many a young maiden, and the prostitution of -honest men's wives; not to mention the consideration of health, -which is much less liable to be impaired in the gratification of -this appetite, than in the exercise of common venery, which, by -ruining the constitutions of our young men, has produced a puny -progeny that degenerates from generation to generation. Nay, I -have been told, that there is another motive perhaps more powerful -than all these, that induces people to cultivate this inclination; -namely, the exquisite pleasure attending its success." - -From this discourse I began to be apprehensive that his lordship, -finding I had travelled, was afraid I might have been infected -with this spurious and sordid desire abroad, and took this method -of sounding my sentiments on the subject. Fired at this supposed -suspicion, I argued against it with great warmth, as an appetite -unnatural, absurd, and of pernicious consequence; and declared -my utter detestation and abhorrence of it in these lines of the -satirist:-- - - Eternal infamy the wretch confound - Who planted first that vice on British ground! - A vice! That spite of nature and sense reigns, - And poisons genial love, and manhood stains. - -The earl smiled at my indignation, and told me he was glad to find -my opinion of the matter so conformable to his own, and that what -he had advanced was only to provoke me to an answer, with which -he professed himself perfectly well pleased. After I had enjoyed -a long audience, I happened to look at my watch, in order to -regulate my motions by it; and his lordship, observing the chased -case, desired to see the device, and examine the exception, which -he approved with some expressions of admiration. Considering the -obligations I lay under to his lordship, I thought there could -not be a fitter opportunity than the present to manifest, in some -shape, my gratitude; I therefore begged he would do me the honour -to accept of the watch as a small testimony of the sense I had -of his lordship's generosity; but, he refused it in a peremptory -manner, and said he was sorry I should entertain such a mercenary -opinion of him; observing at the same time, that it was the most -beautiful piece of workmanship he had ever seen, and desiring to -know where he could have such another. I begged a thousand pardons -for the freedom I had taken, which I hoped he would impute to -nothing else than the highest veneration for his person--told him, -that, as it came to my hand by accident in France, I could give -him no information about the maker, for there was no name on the -inside; and once more humbly entreated that he would indulge me so -far as to use it for my sake. He was still positive in refusing -it; but was pleased to thank me for my generous offer, saying, it -was a present that no nobleman need be ashamed of receiving: though -he was resolved to show his disinterestedness with regard to me, -for whom he had conceived a particular friendship; and insisted -(if I were willing to part with the watch) upon knowing what it had -cost, that he might at least indemnify me, by refunding the money. -On the other hand, I assured his lordship that I should look upon -it as an uncommon mark of distinction, if he would take it without -further question; and, rather than disoblige me, he was at last -persuaded to put it in his pocket, to my no small satisfaction, who -took my leave immediately, after having received a kind squeeze, -and an injunction to depend upon his promise. - -Buoyed up with this reception, my heart opened; I gave away a -guinea, among the lacqueys, who escorted me to the door, flew to -the lodgings of Lord Straddle, upon whom I forced my diamond ring -as an acknowledgment for the great service he had done me, and from -thence hied me home, with an intent of sharing my happiness with -honest Strap. I determined, however, to heighten his pleasure, by -depressing his spirits at first, and then bringing in good news -with double relish. For this purpose, I affected the appearance of -disappointment and chagrin, and told him in an abrupt manner that -I had lost the watch and diamond. Poor Hugh, who had been already -harassed into a consumption by intelligence of this sort, no sooner -heard these words, than, unable to contain himself, he cried, with -distraction in his looks, "God in heaven forbid!" I could carry on -the farce no longer; but, laughing in his face, told him everything -that had passed, as above recited. His features were immediately -unbended, and the transition was so affecting, that he wept with -joy, calling my Lord Strutwell by the appellations of Jewel, Phoenix, -Rara avis; and praising God, that there was still some virtue left -among our nobility. Our mutual congratulations being over, we gave -way to our imagination, and anticipated our happiness by prosecuting -our success through the different steps of promotion, till I arrived -at the rank of a prime minister, and he to that of my first secretary. - -Intoxicated with these ideas, I went to the ordinary, where, meeting -with Banter, I communicated the whole affair in confidence to him, -concluding with an assurance that I would do him all the service in -my power. He heard me to an end with great patience, then regarding -me a good while with a look of disdain, pronounced, "So your business -is done, you think?" "As good as done. I believe," said I. "I'll -tell you," replied he, "what will do it still more effectually--a -halter! 'Sdeath! if I had been such a gull to two such scoundrels -as Strutwell and Straddle, I would, without any more ado, tuck -myself up." Shocked at this exclamation, I desired him with some -confusion to explain himself; upon which he gave me to understand -that Straddle was a poor contemptible wretch, who lived by borrowing -and pimping for his fellow-peers; that in consequence of this last -capacity, he had doubtless introduced me to Strutwell, who was -so notorious for a passion for his own sex that he was amazed his -character had never reached my ears; and that, far from being able -to obtain for me the post he had promised, his interest at court -was so low, that he could scarce provide for a superannuated footman -once a year in the customs or excise; that it was a common thing -for him to amuse strangers, whom his jackals ran down, with such -assurances and caresses as he had bestowed on me, until he had -stripped them of their cash, and everything valuable about them, -very often of their chastity, and then leave them a prey to want -and infamy: that he allowed his servants no other wages than that -part of the spoil which they could glean by their industry; and -the whole of his conduct towards me was so glaring, that nobody -who knew anything of mankind could have been imposed upon by his -insinuations. - -I leave the reader to judge how I relished this piece of information, -which precipitated me from the most exalted pinnacle of hope to the -lowest abyss of despondence, and well nigh determined me to take -Banter's advice and finish my chagrin with a halter. I had no room -to suspect the veracity of my friend, because, upon recollection, -I found every circumstance of Strutwell's behaviour exactly tallying -with the character he had described; his hugs, embraces, squeezes, -and eager looks, were now no longer a mystery; no more than his -defence of Petronius, and the jealous frown of his valet-de-chambre, -who, it seems, had been the favourite pathic of his lord. - - - - - -CHAPTER LII - - - - -I attempt to recover my Watch and Jewel, but to no Purpose--resolve -to revenge myself on Strutwell by my Importunity--am reduced to my -last Guinea--obliged to inform Strap of my Necessity, who is almost -distracted with the News, but nevertheless obliged to pawn my best -Sword for present Subsistence--that small Supply being exhausted, -I am almost stupified with my Misfortunes--go to the Gaming Table -by the Advice of Banter, and come off with unexpected Success--Strap's -Ecstacy--Mrs. Gawky waits upon me, professes Remorse for her Perfidy, -and implores my Assistance--I do myself a Piece of Justice by her -Means, and afterwards reconcile her to her Father - - -I was so confounded that I could make no reply to Banter, who -reproached me with great indignation for having thrown away upon -rascals that which, had it been converted into ready money, would -have supported the rank of a gentleman for some months, and enabled -me, at the same time, to oblige my friends. Stupified as I was, -I could easily divine the source of his concern, but sneaked away -in a solitary manner, without yielding the least answer to his -expostulations; and began to deliberate within myself in what manner -I should attempt to retrieve the movables I had so foolishly lost. -I should have thought it no robbery to take them again by force, -could I have done it without any danger of being detected; but, as -I could have no such opportunity, I resolved to work by finesse, and -go immediately to the lodgings of Straddle, where I was so fortunate -as to find him. "My Lord," said I, "I have just now recollected, -that the diamond I had the honour of presenting to you is loosened -a little in the socket, and there is a young fellow just arrived -from Paris, who is reckoned the best jeweller in Europe; I knew him -in France; and, if your lordship will give me leave, will carry the -ring to him to be set to rights." His lordship was not to be caught -in this snare; he thanked me for my offer, and told me, that, having -himself observed the defect, he had sent it to his own jeweller -to be mended; and, indeed, by this time I believe it was in the -jeweller's hands, though not in order to be mended, for it stood -in need of no alteration. - -Balked in this piece of politics, I cursed my simplicity; but -resolved to play a surer game with the earl, which I thus devised. -I did not doubt of being admitted into familiar conversation with -him, as before, and hoped by some means to get the watch into my -hand; then, on pretence of winding or playing with it, drop it on -the floor, when, in all probability, the fall would disorder the -work so as to stop its motion; this event would furnish me with -an opportunity of insisting upon carrying it away in order to be -repaired, and then I should be in no hurry to bring it back. What -pity it was I could not find an occasion of putting this fine scheme -in execution! When I went to renew my visit to his lordship, my -access to the parlour was as free as ever; but after I had waited -for some time, the valet-de-chambre came in with his lord's compliments, -and a desire to see me to-morrow at his levee, he being at present -so much indisposed that he could not see company. I interpreted this -message into a bad omen, and came away muttering curses against his -lordship's politeness, and ready to go to loggerheads with myself -for being so egregiously duped. But, that I might have some -satisfaction for the loss I had sustained, I besieged him so closely -at his levee, and persecuted him with my solicitations; not without -faint hopes, indeed, of reaping something more from my industry -than the bare pleasure of making him uneasy; though I could never -obtain another private hearing the whole course of my attendance; -neither had I resolution enough to undeceive Strap, whose looks in -a little time were so whetted with impatience, that whenever I came -home, his eyes devoured me, as it were, with eagerness of attention. - -At length, however, finding myself reduced to my last guinea, -I was compelled to disclose my necessity, though I endeavoured to -sweeten the discovery by rehearsing to him the daily assurances I -received from my patron. But these promises were not of efficacy -sufficient to support the spirits of my friend, who no sooner -understood the lowness of my finances, than, uttering a dreadful -groan, he exclaimed, "In the name of God, what shall we do?" In -order to comfort him, I said, that many of my acquaintances, who -were in a worse condition than we, supported, notwithstanding, the -character of gentlemen; and advising him to thank God that as yet -we had incurred no debt, proposed he should pawn my sword of steel, -inlaid with gold, and trust to my discretion for the rest. This -expedient was wormwood and gall to poor Strap, who, in spite of -his invincible affection for me, still retained notions of economy -and expense suitable to the narrowness of his education; nevertheless -he complied with my request, and raised seven pieces on the sword -in a twinkling. This supply, inconsiderable as it was, made me as -happy for the present, as if I had kept five hundred pounds in bank; -for by this time I was so well skilled in procrastinating every -troublesome reflection, that the prospect of want seldom affected -me very much, let it be ever so near. And now indeed it was nearer -than I imagined. My landlord, having occasion for money, put me -in mind of my being indebted to him five guineas in lodging; and, -telling me he had a sum to make up, begged I would excuse his -importunity, and discharge the debt. Though I could ill spare so -much cash, my pride took the resolution of disbursing it. This I -did in a cavalier manner, after he had written a discharge, telling -him with an air of scorn and resentment, I saw he was resolved -that I should not be long in his books; while Strap, who stood by, -and knew my circumstances, wrung his hands in secret, gnawed his -nether lip, and turned yellow with despair. Whatever appearance of -indifference my vanity enabled me to put on, I was thunderstruck -with this demand, which I had no sooner satisfied, than I hastened -into company, with a view of beguiling my cares with conversation, -or drowning them with wine. - -After dinner, a party was accordingly made in the coffee-house, -from whence we adjourned to the tavern, where, instead of sharing -the mirth of the company, I was as much chagrined at their good -humour as a damned soul in hell would be at a glimpse of heaven. -In vain did I swallow bumper after bumper! the wine had lost its -effect upon me, and, far from raising my dejected spirits, could not -even lay me asleep. Banter, who was the only intimate I had (Strap -excepted), perceived my anxiety, and, when we broke up, reproached -me with pusillanimity, for being cast down at my disappointment -that such a rascal as Strutwell could be the occasion of. I told -him I did not at all see how Strutwell's being a rascal alleviated -my misfortune; and gave him to understand that my present grief -did not so much proceed from that disappointment, as from the low -ebb of my fortune, which was sunk to something less than two guineas. -At this declaration he cried, "Psha! is that all?" and assured me -there were a thousand ways of living in town without a fortune, he -himself having subsisted many years entirely by his wit. I expressed -an eager desire of being acquainted with some of these methods, and -he, without farther expostulation, bade me follow him. He conducted -me to a house under the piazzas in Covert Garden, which we entered, -and having delivered our swords to a grim fellow who demanded them -at the foot of the staircase, ascended to the second story, where -I saw multitudes of people standing round two gaming-tables, loaded, -in a manner, with gold and silver. My conductor told me this was -the house of a worthy Scotch lord, who, using the privilege of -his peerage, had set up public gaming tables, from the profits of -which he drew a comfortable livelihood. He then explained difference -the between the sitters and the bettors; characterised the first -as old rooks, and the last as bubbles; and advised me to try my -fortune at the silver table, by betting a crown at a time. Before -I would venture anything, I considered the company more particularly, -and there appeared such a group of villanous faces, that I was -struck with horror and astonishment at the sight! I signified my -surprise to Banter, who whispered in my ear, that the bulk of those -present were sharpers, highwaymen, and apprentices, who, having -embezzled their master's cash, made a desperate push in this place -to make up their deficiencies. This account did not encourage me to -hazard any part of my small pittance: but, at length, being teased -by the importunities of my friend, who assured me there was no -danger of being ill-used, because people were hired by the owner -to see justice done to everybody, I began by risking one shilling, -and, in less than an hour, my winning amounted to thirty. Convinced -by this time of the fairness of the game, and animated with success, -there was no need of further persuasion to continue the play: I -lent Banter (who seldom had any money in his pocket) a guinea, which -he carried to the gold table, and lost in a moment. He would have -borrowed another, but finding me deaf to his arguments, went away -in a pet. Meanwhile my gain advanced to six pieces, and my desire -of more increased in proportion: so that I moved to the higher -table, where I laid half-a-guinea on every throw, and fortune still -favouring me, I became a sitter, in which capacity I remained until -it was broad day; when I found myself, after many vicissitudes, -one hundred and fifty guineas in pocket. - -Thinking it now high time to retire with my booty, I asked if anybody -would take my place, and made a notion to rise; upon which an old -Gascon, who sat opposite to me, and of whom I had won a little -money, started up with fury in his looks, crying, "Restez, foutre, -restez! il faut donner moi mon ravanchio!" At the same time, a Jew, -who sat near the other, insinuated that I was more beholden to art -than fortune for what I had got; that he had observed me wipe the -table very often, and that some of the divisions appeared to be -greasy. This intimation produced a great deal of clamour against -me, especially among the losers, who threatened with many oaths -and imprecations, to take me up by a warrant as a sharper, unless -I would compromise the affair by refunding the greatest part of my -winning. Though I was far from being easy under his accusation, I -relied upon my innocence, threatened in my turn to prosecute the -Jew, for defamation, and boldly offered to submit my cause to the -examination of any justice in Westminster; but they knew themselves -too well to put their characters on that issue, and finding that I -was not to be intimidated into any concession, dropped their plea, -and made way for me to withdraw. I would not, however, stir from -the table until the Israelite had retracted what he had said to my -disadvantage, and asked pardon before the whole assembly. - -As I marched out with my prize, I happened to tread on the toes -of a tall raw-boned fellow, with a hooked nose, fierce eyes, black -thick eyebrows, a pigtail wig of the same colour, and a formidable -hat pulled over his forehead, who stood gnawing his fingers in the -crowd, and he sooner felt the application of my shoe heel, than -he roared out in a tremendous voice, "Blood and wounds! you son -of a whore, what's that for?" I asked pardon with a great deal -of submission, and protested I had no intention of hurting him; -but the more I humbled myself the more he stormed, and insisted -on gentlemanly satisfaction, at the same time provoking me with -scandalous names that I could not put up with; so that I gave loose -to my passion, returned his Billingsgate, and challenged him down -to the piazzas. His indignation cooling as mine warmed, he refused -my invitation, saying he would choose his own time, and returned -towards the table muttering threats, which I neither dreaded nor -distinctly beard; but, descending with great deliberation, received -my sword from the door-keeper, whom I gratified with a guinea, -according to the custom of the place, and went home in a rapture -of joy. - -My faithful valet, who had set up all night in the utmost uneasiness -on my account, let me in with his face beslubbered with tears, and -followed me to my chamber, where he stood silent like a condemned -criminal, in expectation of hearing that every shilling was spent, -I guessed the situation of his thoughts, and, assuming a sullen -look, bade him fetch me some water to wash. He replied, without -lifting his eyes from the ground, "In my simple conjecture, you -have more occasion for rest, not having (I suppose) slept these -four-and-twenty hours." "Bring me some water!" said I, in a peremptory -tone; upon which he sneaked away shrugging his shoulders. Before -he returned, I had spread my whole stock on the table in the most -ostentatious manner; so that, when it first saluted his view, he -stood like one entranced; and, having rubbed his eyes more than -once, to assure himself of his being awake, broke out into, "Lord -have mercy upon us, what a vast treasure is here!" "'Tis all our -own, Strap," said I; "take what is necessary, and redeem the sword -immediately." He advanced towards the table, stopped short by the -way, looked at the money and me by turns, and with a wildness in -his countenance, produced from joy checked by distrust, cried, "I -dare say it is honestly come by." To remove his scruples, I made -him acquainted with the whole story of my success, which, when -he heard, he danced about the room in an ecstacy, crying, "God be -praised!--a white stone!--God be praised!--a white stone!" So that -I was afraid the change of fortune bad disordered his intellects, -and that he was run mad with joy. Extremely concerned at this event, -I attempted to reason him out of his frenzy, but to no purpose; for -without regarding what I said, he continued to frisk up and down, -and repeat his rhapsody, of "God be praised!--a white stone!" At -last, I rose in the utmost consternation, and, laying violent hands -upon him, put a stop to his extravagance by fixing him down to a -settee that was in the room. This constraint banished his delirium; -he started as if just awoke, and terrified at my behaviour, cried, -"What is the matter!" When he learned the cause of my apprehension, -he was ashamed of his transports, and told me, that in mentioning -the white stone, he alluded to the Dies fast of the Romans, alibi -lapped knotty. - -Having no inclination to sleep, I secured my cash, dressed, and was -just going abroad, when the servant of the house told me, there was -a gentlewoman at the door who wanted to speak with me. Surprised -at this information, I made Strap show her up, and in less than a -minute, saw a young woman of a shabby decayed appearance enter my -room. After half-a-dozen curtsies, she began to sob, and told me -her name was Gawky; upon which information I immediately recollected -the features of Miss Levement, who had been the first occasion of -my misfortunes. Though I had all the reason in the world to resent -her treacherous behaviour to me, I was moved at her distress, and -professing my sorrow at seeing her so reduced desired her to sit, -and inquired into the particulars of her situation. She fell upon -her knees and implored my forgiveness for the injuries she had -done me, protesting before God, that she was forced, against her -inclination, into that hellish conspiracy which had almost deprived -me of my life, by the entreaties of her husband, who, having been -afterwards renounced by his father on account of his marriage with -her, and unable to support a family on his pay, left his wife at -her father's house, and went with the regiment to Germany, where -he was broke for misbehaviour at the battle of Dettingen; since -which time she had heard no tidings of him. She then gave me -to understand, with many symptoms of penitence, that it was her -misfortune to bear a child four months after marriage, by which -event her parents were so incensed, that she was turned out of doors -with the infant, that died soon after: and had hitherto subsisted -in a miserable indigent manner, on the extorted charity of a few -friends, who were now quite tired of giving; that, not knowing -where or how to support herself one day longer, she had fled for -succour even to me, who, of all mankind, had the least cause to -assist her, relying upon the generosity of my disposition, which, -she hoped, would be pleased with this opportunity of avenging itself -in the noblest manner on the wretch who had wronged me. I was very -much affected with her discourse and, having no cause to suspect -the sincerity of her repentance, raised her up, freely pardoned -all she had done against me, and promised to befriend her as much -as lay in my power. - -Since my last arrival in London, I had made no advances to the -apothecary, imagining it would be impossible for me to make my -innocence appear, so unhappily was my accusation circumstanced: -Strap indeed had laboured to justify me to the schoolmaster; but, -far from succeeding in his attempt, Mr. Concordance dropped all -correspondence with him, because he refused to quit his connection -with me. Things being in this situation, I thought a fairer -opportunity of vindicating my character could not offer than that -which now presented itself; I therefore stipulated with Mrs. Gawky, -that before I would yield her the least assistance, she should do -me the justice to clear my reputation by explaining upon oath before -a magistrate the whole of the conspiracy, as it had been executed -against me. When she had given me this satisfaction, I presented -her with five guineas, a sum so much above her expectation, that -she could scarce believe the evidence of her senses, and was ready -to worship me for my benevolence. The declaration, signed with her -own hand, I sent to her father, who, upon recollecting and comparing -the circumstances of my charge, was convinced of my integrity, and -waited on me next day, in company with his friend the schoolmaster, -to whom he had communicated my vindication. After mutual salutation, -Monsieur Lavement began a long apology for the unjust treatment I -had received; but I saved him a good deal of breath by interrupting his -harangue, and assuring him that, far from entertaining a resentment -against him, I thought myself obliged to his lenity, which allowed -me to escape, after such strong assumptions of guilt appeared against -me. Mr. Concordance, thinking it now his turn to speak, observed -that Mr. Random had too much candour and sagacity to be disobliged -at their conduct, which, all things considered, could not have been -otherwise with any honesty of intention. "Indeed," said he, "if the -plot had been unravelled to us by any supernatural intelligence; -if it had been whispered by a genius, communicated by dream, or -revealed by an angel from on high, we should have been to blame in -crediting ocular demonstration; but as we were left in the midst of -mortality, it cannot be expected we should be incapable of imposition. -I must assure you, Mr. Random, no man on earth is more pleased than -I am at this triumph of your character: and, as the news of your -misfortune panged me to the very entrails, this manifestation of -your innocence makes my midriff quiver with joy." I thanked him for -this concern, desired them to undeceive those of their acquaintance -who judged harshly of me, and, having treated them with a glass -of wine, represented to Lavement the deplorable condition of his -daughter, and pleaded her cause so effectually, that he consented -to settle a small annuity on her for life: but could not be persuaded -to take her home, because her mother was so much incensed, that -she would never see her. - - - - - -CHAPTER LIII - - - - -I purchase new Clothes--reprimand Strutwell and Straddle--Banter -proposes another matrimonial Scheme--I accept of his Terms--set out -to Bath in the Stage-coach with the young Lady and her Mother--the -Behaviour of an Officer and Lawyer--our fellow Travellers described--a -smart dialogue between my Mistress and the Captain - - -Having finished this affair to my satisfaction, I found myself -perfectly at ease; and, looking upon the gaming-table as a certain -resource for a gentleman in want, became more gay than ever. -Although my clothes were almost as good as new, I grew ashamed of -wearing them, because I thought everybody by this time had got an -inventory of my wardrobe. For which reason I disposed of a good part -of my apparel to a salesman in Monmouth Street for half the value, -and bought two new suits with the money. I likewise purchased a plain -gold watch, despairing of recovering that which I had so foolishly -given to Strutwell, whom, notwithstanding, I still continued to visit -at his levee, until the ambassador he had mentioned set out with -a secretary of his own choosing. I thought myself then at liberty -to expostulate with his lordship, whom I treated with great freedom -in a letter, for amusing me with vain hopes, when he neither had -the power nor inclination to provide for me. Nor was I less reserved -with Straddle, whom I in person reproached for misrepresenting to -me the character of Strutwell, which I did not scruple to aver was -infamous in every respect. He seemed very much enraged at my freedom, -talked a great deal about his quality and honour, and began to -make some comparisons which I thought so injurious to mine, that I -demanded an explanation with great warmth, and he was mean enough -to equivocate, and condescend in such a manner that I left him with -a hearty contempt of his behaviour. - -About this time, Banter, who had observed a surprising and sudden -alteration in my appearance and disposition, began to inquire very -minutely into the cause, and, as I did not think fit to let him -know the true state of the affair, lest he might make free with my -purse, on the strength of having proposed the scheme that filled -it, I told him that I had received a small supply from a relation -in the country, who at the same time had proffered to use all his -interest (which was not small) in soliciting some post for me that -should make me easy for life. "If that be the case," said Banter, -"perhaps you won't care to mortify yourself a little in making your -fortune another way. I have a relation who is to set out for Bath -next week, with an only daughter, who being sickly and decrepit, -intends to drink the waters for the recovery of her health. Her -father, who was a rich Turkey merchant, died about a year ago, and -left her with a fortune of twenty thousand pounds, under the sole -management of her mother, who is my kinswoman. I would have put -in for the plate myself, but there is a breach at present between -the old woman and me. You must know, that some time ago I borrowed -a small sum of her and promised, it seems, to pay it before a certain -time; but being disappointed in my expectation of money from the -country, the day elapsed without my being able to take up my note; -upon which she wrote a peremptory letter, threatening to arrest -me, if I did not pay the debt immediately. Nettled at this precise -behaviour, I sent a d--d severe answer, which enraged her so much -that she actually took out a writ against me. Whereupon, finding -the thing grow serious, I got a friend to advance the money for -me, discharged the debt, went to her house, and abused her for her -unfriendly dealing. She was provoked by my reproaches, and scolded -in her turn. The little deformed urchin joined her mother with -such virulence and volubility of tongue, that I was fain to make -a retreat, after having been honoured with a great many scandalous -epithets, which gave me plainly to understand that I had nothing -to hope from the esteem of the one, or the affection of the other. -As they are both utter strangers to life, it is a thousand to -one that the girl will be picked up by some scoundrel or other at -Bath, if I don't provide for her otherwise. You are a well-looking -fellow, Random, and can behave as demurely as a quaker. If you -will give me an obligation of five hundred pounds, to be paid six -months after your marriage, I will put you in a method of carrying -her in spite of all opposition." - -This proposal was too advantageous for me to be refused. The -writing was immediately drawn up and executed; and Banter, giving -me notice of the time when, and the stage coach in which they were -to set out, I bespoke a place in the same convenience; and, having -hired a horse for Strap, who was chagrined with the prospect, set -forward accordingly. - -As we embarked before day, I had not the pleasure for some time of -seeing Miss Snapper (that was the name of my mistress), nor even -of perceiving the number and sex of my fellow travellers, although -I guessed that the coach was full, by the difficulty I found in -seating myself. The first five minutes passed in a general silence, -when, all of a sudden, the coach heeling to one side, a boisterous -voice pronounced, "To the right and left, cover your flanks, -d--me! whiz!" I easily discovered by the tone and matter of this -exclamation that it was uttered by a son of Mars; neither was it -hard to conceive the profession of another person who sat opposite -to me, and observed that we ought to have been well satisfied of -our security before we entered upon the premises. These two sallies -had not the desired effect. We continued a good while as mute as -before, till at length the gentleman of the sword, impatient of -longer silence, made a second effort, by swearing he had got into -a meeting of quakers. "I believe so too," said a shrill female -voice at my left hand, "for the spirit of folly begins to move." -"Out with it then, madam!" replied the soldier. "You seem to have -no occasion for a midwife," cried the lady. "D--mn my blood!" exclaimed -the other, "a man can't talk to a woman, but she immediately thinks -of a midwife." "True sir," said she, "I long to be delivered." "What -of--a mouse, madam?" said lie. "No, Sir," said she, "of a fool." -"Are you far gone with a fool?" said he. "Little more than two -miles," said she. "By Gad, you're a wit, madam," cried the officer, -"I wish I could with any justice return the compliment," said the -lady. "Zounds, I have done," said he. "Your bolt is soon shot, -according to the old proverb," said she. The warrior's powder was -quite spent; the lawyer advised him to drop the prosecution, and a -grave matron, who sat on the left hand of the victorious wit, told -her she must not let her tongue run so fast among strangers. This -reprimand, softened with the appellation of child, convinced me that -the satirical lady was no other than Miss Snapper, and I resolved -to regulate my conduct accordingly. The champion, finding himself -so smartly handled, changed his battery, and began to expatiate -on his own exploits. "You talk of shot, madam," said he; "d--me! -I have both given and received some shot in my time--I was wounded -in the shoulder by a pistol ball at Dettingen, where--I say nothing--but -by G--d! if it had not been for me--all's one for that--I despise -boasting, d-me! whiz!" So saying, he whistled one part and hummed -another, of the Black Joke; then, addressing himself to the lawyer, -went on thus; "Wouldn't you think it d--d hard, after having, at -the risk of your life, recovered the standard of a regiment that -had been lost, to receive no preferment for your pains? I don't -choose to name no names, sink me! but, howsomever, this I will -refer, by G--d! and that is this--a musketeer of the French guards, -having a standard from a certain cornet of a certain regiment, -d--e! was retreating with his prize as fast as his horse's heels -could carry him, sink me! Upon which, I snatched up firelock that -belonged to a dead man, d--me! Whiz! and shot his horse under him, -d--n my blood! The fellow got upon his feet, and began to repose -me, upon which I charged my bayonet breast high, and ran him through -the body by G--! One of his comrades, coming to his assistance, -shot me in the shoulder, as I told you before; and another gave -me a contusion on the head with the butt-end of his carbine; but, -d--me, that did not signify. I killed one, put the other to flight, -and taking up the standard, carried it off very deliberately. But -the best joke of all was the son of a b--ch of a cornet, who had -surrendered it in a cowardly manner, seeing it in my possession, -demanded it from me in the front of the line. "D--n my blood!" says -he, "where did you find my standard?" says he. "D--n my blood!" -said I, "where," said I, "did you lose it?" said I. "That's nothing -to you," says he, "'tis my standard," says he" and by G--d I'll -have it," says he. "D--nation seize me," says I, "if you shall," -says I, "till I have first delivered it to the general," says I; -and accordingly I went to the headquarters after the battle, and -delivered it to my Lord Stair, who promised to do for me. But I am -no more than a poor lieutenant still, d--n my blood." - -Having vented this repetition of expletives, the lawyer owned he -had not been requited according to his deserts; observed that the -labourer is always worthy of his hire, and asked if the promise was -made before witnesses, because in that case the law would compel -the general to perform it; but understanding that the promise was -made over a bottle, without being restricted to time or terms, -he pronounced it not valid in law, proceeded to inquire into the -particulars of the battle, and affirmed that, although the English -had drawn themselves into premunire at first, the French managed -their cause so lamely in the course of the dispute, that they -would have been utterly nonsuited, had they not obtained a nolli -prosequi. In spite of these enlivening touches, the conversation -was like to suffer another long interruption, when the lieutenant, -unwilling to conceal any of his accomplishments that could be -displayed in his present situation, offered to regale the company -with a song; and, interpreting our silence into a desire of hearing, -began to warble a fashionable air the first stanza of which he -pronounced thus: - - "Would you task the moon-tide hair, - To yon flagrant beau repair. - Where waving with the poplin vow, - The bantling fine will shelter you," etc. - -The sense of the rest he perverted as he went on with such surprising -facility that I could not help thinking he had been at some pains -to burlesque the performance. Miss Snapper ascribed it to the true -cause, namely ignorance; and, when he asked her how she relished -his music, answered that, in her opinion, the music and the words -were much of a piece. "Oh, d--n my blood!" said he "I take that -as a high compliment; for everybody allows the words are d--able -fine." "They may be so," replied the lady, "for aught I know, -but they are above my comprehension." "I an't obliged to find you -comprehension, madam, curse me!" cried he. "No, nor to speak sense -neither," said she. "D--n my heart," said he, "I'll speak what I -please." Here the lawyer interposed, by telling him, there were some -things he must not speak; and upon being defied to give an instance, -mentioned treason and defamation. "As for the king," cried the -soldier, "God bless him--I eat his bread, and have lost blood in -his cause, therefore I have nothing to say to him--but, by G--d, -I dare say anything to any other man." "No," said the lawyer, -"you dare not call me rogue." "D--me, for what?" said the other. -"Because," replied the counsellor, "I should have it good action -against you, and recover." "Well, well," cried the officer, "if I -dare not call you rogue, I dare think you one, d--me!" This stroke -of wit he accompanied with a loud laugh of self-approbation, which -unluckily did not affect the audience, but effectually silenced his -antagonist, who did not open his mouth for the space of an hour, -except to clear his pipe with three hems, which however, produced -nothing. - - - - - -CHAPTER LIV - - - - -Day breaking, I have the Pleasure of viewing the Person of Miss -Snapper, whom I had not seen before--the Soldier is witty upon -me--is offended--talks much of his Valour--is reprimanded by a grave -Gentlewoman--we are alarmed by the cry of Highwaymen--I get out -of the Coach, and stand in my own defence--they ride off without -having attacked us--I pursue them--one of them is thrown from -his Horse and taken--I return to the Coach--am complimented by -Miss Snapper--the Captain's Behaviour on this Occasion--the Prude -reproaches me in a Soliloquy--I upbraid her in the same Manner--the -Behaviour of Miss Snapper, at Breakfast, disobliges me--the Lawyer -is witty upon the Officer, who threatens him - - -In the meantime, the day breaking in upon us, discovered to one -another the faces of their fellow travellers: and I had the good -fortune to find my mistress not quite so deformed nor disagreeable -as she had been represented to me. Her head, indeed, bore some -resemblance to a hatchet, the edge being represented by her face; -but she had a certain delicacy in her complexion, and a great deal -of vivacity in her eyes, which were very large and black; and, though -the protuberance of her breast, when considered alone, seemed to -drag her forwards, it was easy to perceive an equivalent on her back -which balanced the other, and kept her body in equilibrio. On the -whole, I thought I should have great reason to congratulate myself -if it should be my fate to possess twenty thousand pounds encumbered -with such a wife. I began therefore to deliberate about the most -probable means of acquiring the conquest, and was so much engrossed -by this idea, that I scarce took any notice of the rest of the -people in the coach, but revolved my project in silence; while the -conversation was maintained as before by the object of my hopes, -the son of Mars, and the barrister, who by this time recollected -himself, and talked in terms as much as ever. At length a dispute -happened, which ended in a wager, to be determined by me, who was -so much absorbed in contemplation, that I neither heard the reference -nor the question which was put to me by each in his turn. Affronted -at my supposed contempt, the soldier with great vociferation swore -I was either dumb or deaf if not both, and that I looked as if I -could not say Bo to a goose. Aroused at this observation, I fixed -my eyes upon him, and pronounced with emphasis the interjection Bo! -Upon which he cocked his hat in a fierce manner, and cried, "D--me -sir" what d'ye mean by that." Had I intended to answer him, which -by the by was not my design, I should have been anticipated by -Miss, who told him, my meaning was to show, that I could cry Bo -to a goose; and laughed very heartily at my laconic reproof. Her -explanation and mirth did not help to appease his wrath, which broke -out in several martial insinuations, such as--I do not understand -such freedoms, d--me! D--n my blood! I'm a gentleman, and bear -the king's commission. 'Sblood! some people deserve to have their -noses pulled for their impertinence." I thought to have checked -these ejaculations by a frown; because he had talked so much of his -valour that I had long ago rated him as an ass in a lion's skin; -but this expedient did not answer my expectation, he took umbrage -at the contraction of my brow, swore he did not value my sulky -looks a fig's end, and protested he feared no man breathing. Miss -Snapper said, she was very glad to find herself in company with -a man of so much courage, who, she did not doubt, would protect -her from all the attempts of highwaymen during our journey. "Make -yourself perfectly easy on that head, madam," replied the officer. -"I have got a pair of pistols (here they are), which I took from a -horse officer at the battle of Dettingen; they are double loaded, -and if any highwayman in England robs you of the value of a pin -while I have the honour of being in your company, d--n my heart." -When he had expressed himself in this manner, a prim gentlewoman, who -had sat silent hitherto, opened her mouth, and said, she wondered -how any man could be so rude as to pull out such weapons before -ladies. "D--me, madam," cried the champion, "if you are so much -afraid at the sight of a pistol, how d'ye propose to stand fire if -there should be occasion?" She then told him that, if she thought -he could be so unmannerly as to use fire-arms in her presence, -whatever might be the occasion, she would get out of the coach -immediately, and walk to the next village, where she might procure -a convenience to herself. Before he could make any answer, my -Dulcinea interposed, and observed that, far from being offended -at a gentleman's using his arms in his own defence, she thought -herself very lucky in being along with one by whose valour she -stood a good chance of saving herself from being rifled. The prude -cast a disdainful look at Miss, and said that people, who have but -little to lose, are sometimes the most solicitous about preserving -it. The old lady was affronted at this inuendo, and took notice, -that people ought to be very well informed before they speak -slightingly of other people's fortune, lest they discover their own -envy, and make themselves ridiculous. The daughter declared, that -she did not pretend to vie with anybody in point of riches; and -if the lady, who insisted upon non-resistance, would promise to -indemnify us all for the loss we should sustain, she would be one -of the first to persuade the captain to submission, in case we should -be attacked. To this proposal, reasonable as it was, the reserved -lady made no other reply than a scornful glance and a toss of her -head. I was very well pleased with the spirit of my young mistress, -and even wished for an opportunity of distinguishing my courage -under her eye, which I believed could not fail of prepossessing -her in my favour, when all of a sudden Strap rode up to the coach -door, and told us in a great fright, that two men on horseback were -crossing the heath (for by this time we had passed Hounslow), and -made directly towards us. - -This piece of information was no sooner delivered, than Mrs. Snapper -began to scream, her daughter grew pale, the old lady pulled out -her purse to be in readiness, the lawyer's teeth chattered, while -he pronounced, "'Tis no matter--we'll sue the county and recover." -The captain gave evident signs of confusion: and I, after having -commanded the coachman to stop, opened the door, jumped out, and -invited the warrior to follow me. But, finding him backward and -astonished, I took his pistols, and, giving them to Strap, who had -by this time alighted and trembled very much, I mounted on horseback; -and, taking my own (which I could better depend upon) from the -holsters, cocked them both, and faced the robbers, who were now very -near us. Seeing me ready to oppose them on horseback, and another -man armed a-foot, they made a halt at some distance to reconnoitre -us: and after having rode round us twice, myself still facing about -as they rode, went off the same way they came, at a hand gallop. -A gentleman's servant coming up with a horse at the same time, -I offered him a crown to assist me in pursuing them, which he no -sooner accepted, than I armed him with the officer's pistols, and -we galloped after the thieves, who, trusting to the swiftness of -their horses, stopped till we came within shot of them and then, -firing at us, put their nags to the full speed. We followed them as -fast as our beasts could carry us; but, not being so well mounted -as they, our efforts would have been to little purpose, had not -the horse of one of them stumbled, and thrown his rider with such -violence over his head, that he lay senseless when we came up, and -was taken without the least opposition; while his comrade consulted -his own safety in flight, without regarding the distress of his -friend. We scarce had time to make ourselves masters of his arms, -and tie his hands together, before he recovered his senses, when, -learning his situation he affected surprise, demanded to know -by what authority we used a gentleman in that manner, and had the -impudence to threaten us with a prosecution for robbery. In the -meantime, we perceived Strap coming up with a crowd of people, armed -up with different kinds of weapons; and among the rest a farmer, who -no sooner perceived the thief, whom we had secured, than he cried -with great emotion, "There's the fellow who robbed me an hour ago -of twenty pounds, in a canvas bag." He was immediately searched, -and the money found exactly as it had been described; upon which -we committed him to the charge of the countryman, who carried him -to the town of Hounslow, which, it seems, the farmer had alarmed; -and I, having satisfied the footman for his trouble, according to -promise, returned with Strap to the coach, where I found the captain -and lawyer busy in administering smelling bottles and cordials to -the grave lady, who had gone into a fit at the noise of firing. - -When I had taken my seat, Miss Snapper, who from the coach had seen -everything that happened; made me a compliment on my behaviour, -and said she was glad to see me returned without having received -any injury; her mother too owned herself obliged to my resolution: -the lawyer told me, that I was entitled by act of parliament to a -reward of forty pounds, for having apprehended a highwayman. The -soldier observed, with a countenance in which impudence and shame -struggling, produced some disorder, that if I had not been in such -a d--d hurry to get out of the coach, he would have secured the -rogues effectually, without all this bustle and loss of time, by a -scheme, which my heat and precipitation ruined. "For my own part," -continued he, "I am always extremely cool on these occasions. "So -it appeared, by your trembling," said the young lady. "Death and -d--ion!" cried he, your sex protects you, madam; if any man on -earth durst tell me so much, I'd send him to hell, d--n my heart! -in an instant." So saying, he fixed his eyes upon me, and asked -if I had seen him tremble? I answered without hesitation, "Yes." -"D--me, sir!" said he, "d'ye doubt my courage?" I replied, "Very -much." This declaration quite disconcerted him. He looked blank, -and pronounced with a faltering voice, "Oh! it's very well: d--n -my blood! I shall find a time." I signified my contempt of him, by -thrusting my tongue in my cheek, which humbled him so much, that -he scarce swore another oath aloud during the whole journey. - -The precise lady, having recruited her spirits by the help of some -strong waters, began a soliloquy, in which she wondered that any -man, who pretended to maintain the character of a gentleman, could, -for the sake of a little paltry coin, throw persons of honour into -such quandaries as might endanger their lives; and professed her -surprise that women were not ashamed to commend such brutality. At -the same time vowing that for the future she would never set foot -in a stage coach, if a private convenience could be had for love -or money. - -Nettled at her remarks, I took the same method of conveying -my sentiments, and wondered in my turn, that any woman of common -sense should be so unreasonable as to expect that people, who had -neither acquaintance nor connection with her, would tamely allow -themselves to be robbed and maltreated, merely to indulge her -capricious humour. I likewise confessed my astonishment at her -insolence and ingratitude in taxing a person with brutality, who -deserved her approbation and acknowledgment; and vowed that, if -ever she should be assaulted again, I would leave her to the mercy -of the spoiler, that she might know the value of my protection. - -This person of honour did not think fit to carry on the altercation -any further, but seemed to chew the cud of her resentment with the -crestfallen captain, while I entered into discourse with my charmer, -who was the more pleased with my conversation, as she had conceived -a very indifferent opinion of my intellects from my former silence. -I should have had cause to be equally satisfied with the sprightliness -of her genius, could she have curbed her imagination with judgment; -but she laboured under such a profusion of talk, that I dreaded her -unruly tongue, and felt by anticipation the horrors of an eternal -clack! However, when I considered, on the other hand, the joys -attending the possession of twenty thousand pounds, I forgot her -imperfections, seized occasion by the forelock, and tried to insinuate -myself into her affection. The careful mother kept a strict watch -over her and though she could not help behaving civilly to me, -took frequent opportunities of discouraging our communication, by -reprimanding her for being so free with strangers, and telling her -she must learn to speak less and think more. Abridged of the use -of speech, we conversed with our eyes, and I found the young lady -very eloquent in this kind of discourse. In short, I had reason -to believe that she was sick of the old gentlewoman's tuition, and -that I should find it no difficult matter to supersede her authority. - -When we arrived at the place where we were to breakfast, I alighted, -and helped my mistress out of the coach, as well as her mother who -called for a private room to which they withdrew in order to eat -by themselves. As they retired together, I perceived that Miss had -got more twists from nature than I had before observed for she was -bent sideways into the figure of an S, so that her progression very -much resembled that of a crab. The prude also chose the captain -for her messmate, and ordered breakfast for two only, to be brought -into another separate room: while the lawyer and I, deserted by the -rest of the company, were fain to put up with each other. I was a -good deal chagrined at the stately reserve of Mrs. Snapper, who, I -thought, did not use me with all the complaisance I deserved; and -my companion declared that he had been a traveller for twenty years, -and never knew the stage coach rules so much infringed before. As -for the honourable gentlewoman I could not conceive the meaning of -her attachment to the lieutenant; and asked the lawyer if he knew -for which of the soldier's virtues she admired him? The counsellor -facetiously replied, "I suppose the lady knows him to be an able -conveyancer, and wants him to make a settlement in tail." I could -not help laughing at the archness of the barrister, who entertained -me during breakfast with a great deal of wit of the same kind, at -the expense of our fellow travellers; and among other things said, -he was sorry to find the young lady saddled with such incumbrances. - -When we had made an end of our repast, and paid our reckoning, -we went into the coach, took our places, and bribed the driver -with sixpence to revenge us on the rest of his fare, by hurrying -them away in the midst of their meal. This task he performed to -our satisfaction, after he had disturbed their enjoyment with his -importunate clamour. The mother and daughter obeyed the summons -first, and, coming to the coach door, were obliged to desire -the coachman's assistance to get in, because the lawyer and I had -agreed to show our resentment by our neglect. They were no sooner -seated, than the captain appeared, as much heated as if he had been -pursued a dozen miles by an enemy; and immediately after him came -the lady, not without some marks of disorder. Having helped her -up, he entered himself, growling a few oaths against the coachman -for his impertinent interruption; and the lawyer comforted him by -saying, that if he had suffered a nisi prius through the obstinacy -of the defendant, he might have an opportunity to join issue -at the next stage. This last expression gave offence to the grave -gentlewoman, who told him, if she was a man, she would make him -repent of such obscenity, and thanked God, he had never been in -such company before. At this insinuation the captain thought himself -under a necessity of espousing the lady's cause; and accordingly -threatened to cut off the lawyer's ears, if he should give his -tongue any such liberties for the future. The poor counsellor begged -pardon, and universal silence ensued. - - - - - -CHAPTER LV - - - - -I resolve to ingratiate myself with the Mother, and am favoured by -accident--the Precise Lady finds her husband, and quit the Coach--the -Captain is disappointed of his dinner--we arrive at Bath--I accompany -Miss Snapper to the Long-room, where she is attacked by beau Nash, -and, turns the Laugh against him--I make love to her, and receive -a check--Squire her to an Assembly, where I am blessed with a Sight of -my dear Narcissa, which discomposes me so much, that Miss Snapper, -observing my disorder, is at pains to discover the Cause--is -piqued at the Occasion, and, in our way home, pays me a sarcastic -Compliment--I am met by Miss Williams, who is the maid and Confidante -of Narcissa--she acquaints me with her Lady's regard for me while -under the disguise of a Servant, and describes the Transports -of Narcissa on seeing me at the Assembly, in the Character of a -Gentleman--I am surprised with an Account of her Aunt's Marriage, -and make an Appointment to meet Miss Williams the next day - - -During this unsocial interval, my pride and interest maintained -a severe conflict on the subject of Miss Snapper, whom the one -represented as unworthy of notice, and the other proposed as the -object of my whole attention: the advantages and disadvantages of -such a match were opposed to one another by my imagination; and, -at length, my judgment gave it so much in favour of the first, that -I resolved to prosecute my scheme with all the address in my power. -I thought I perceived some concern in her countenance, occasioned -by my silence, which she, no doubt, imputed to my disgust at her -mother's behaviour; and, as I believed the old woman could not -fail of ascribing my muteness to the same motive, I determined to -continue that sullen conduct towards her, and fall upon some other -method of manifesting my esteem for the daughter, nor was it difficult -for me to make her acquainted with my sentiments by the expression -of my looks, which I modelled into the character of humanity and -love; and which were answered by her with all the sympathy and -approbation I could desire. But when I began to consider, that, -without further opportunities of improving my success, all the -progress I had hitherto made would not much avail, and that such -opportunities could not be enjoyed without the mother's permission, -I concluded it would be requisite to vanquish her coldness and -suspicion by my assiduities and respectful behaviour on the road; -and she would, in all likelihood, invite me to visit her at Bath, -where I did not fear of being able to cultivate her acquaintance -as much as would be necessary to the accomplishment of my purpose. -And indeed accident furnished me with an opportunity of obliging -her so much that she could not, with any appearance of good manners, -forbear to gratify my inclination. - -When we arrived at our dining-place, we found all the eatables at -the inn bespoke by a certain nobleman, who bad got the start of us -and, in all likelihood, my mistress and her mother must have dined -with Duke Humphrey, had I not exerted myself in their behalf, and -bribed the landlord with a glass of wine to curtail his lordship's -entertainment of a couple of fowls and some bacon, which I sent -with my compliments to the ladies. They accepted my treat with a -great many thanks, and desired I would favour them with my company -at dinner, where I amused the old gentlewoman so successfully, -by maintaining a seemingly disinterested ease in the midst of my -civility, that she signified a desire of being better acquainted, -and hoped I would be so kind as to see her sometimes at Bath. While -I enjoyed myself in this manner, the precise lady had the good -fortune to meet with her husband, who was no other than gentleman, -or, in other words, valet-de-chambre, to the very nobleman whose -coach stood at the door. Proud of the interest she had in the house, -she affected to show her power by introducing the captain to her -spouse as a person who had treated her with great civility upon -which he was invited to a share of their dinner; while the poor -lawyer, finding himself utterly abandoned, made application to me, -and was through my intercession admitted into our company. Having -satisfied our appetites, and made ourselves merry at the expense of -the person of honour, the civil captain, and complaisant husband, -I did myself the pleasure of discharging the bill by stealth, for -which I received a great many apologies and acknowledgments from -my guests, and we re-embarked at the first warning. The officer was -obliged, at last, to appease his hunger with a luncheon of bread -and cheese, and a pint bottle of brandy, which he dispatched in -the coach, cursing the inappetence of his lordship, who had ordered -dinner to be put back a whole hour. - -Nothing remarkable happened during the remaining part of our -journey, which was finished next day, when I waited on the ladies -to the house of a relation, in which they intended to lodge, and, -passing that night at the inn, took lodgings in the morning for -myself. - -The forenoon was spent in visiting everything that was worth seeing -in the place, in company with a gentleman to whom Banter had given -me a letter of introduction; and in the afternoon I waited on the -ladies, and found Miss a good deal indisposed with the fatigue of -their journey. As they foresaw they should have occasion for a male -acquaintance to squire them at all public places, I was received -with great cordiality, and had the mother's permission to conduct -them next day to the Long Room, which we no sooner entered, than -the eyes of everybody present were turned upon us, and, when we had -suffered the martyrdom of their looks for some time, a whisper -circulated at our expense, which was accompanied with many -contemptuous smiles and tittering observations, to my utter shame -and confusion. I did not so much conduct as follow my charge to -a place where she seated her mother and herself with astonishing -composure notwithstanding the unmannerly behaviour of the whole -company, which seemed to be assumed merely to put her out of -countenance. The celebrated Mr. Nash, who commonly attends in this -place, as master of the ceremonies, perceiving the disposition -of the assembly, took upon himself the task of gratifying their -ill-nature further, by exposing my mistress to the edge of his wit. -With this view he approached us, with many bows and grimaces, and, -after having welcomed Miss Snapper to the place, asked her in the -hearing of all present, if she could inform him of the name of -Tobit's dog. Miss was so much incensed at his insolence, that I -should certainly have kicked him where he stood without ceremony, -had not the young lady prevented the effects of my indignation, -by replying with the utmost vivacity, "His name was Nash, and an -impudent dog he was." This repartee so unexpected and just, raised -such a universal laugh at the aggressor, that all his assurance was -insufficient to support him under their derision; so that, after -he had endeavoured to compose himself by taking snuff and forcing -a smile, he was obliged to sneak off in a ludicrous attitude, while -my Dulcinea was applauded to the skies for the brilliancy of her -wit, and her acquaintance immediately courted by the best people -of both sexes in the room. - -This event, with which I was indefinitely pleased at first, did not -fail of alarming me, upon further reflection, when I considered, -that the more she was caressed by persons of distinction, the more -her pride would be inflamed, and consequently, the obstacles to -my success multiplied and enlarged. Nor were my presaging fears -untrue. That very night I perceived her a little intoxicated with -the incense she had received, and, though, she still behaved with -a particular civility to me, I foresaw, that, as soon as her fortune -should be known, she would be surrounded with a swarm of admirers, -some of whom might possibly, by excelling me on point of wealth, -or in the arts of flattery and scandal, supplant me in her esteem, -and find means to make the mother of his party. I resolved therefore -to lose no time, and, being invited to spend the evening with them, -found an opportunity, in spite of the old gentlewoman's vigilance, to -explain the meaning of my glances in the coach, by paying homage -to her wit, and professing myself enamoured of her person. She -blushed at my declaration and in a favourable manner disapproved of -the liberty I had taken, putting me in mind of our being strangers -to each other, and desiring I would not be the means of interrupting -our acquaintance, by any such unseasonable strokes of gallantry for -the future. My ardour was effectually checked by this reprimand, -which was, however, delivered in a gentle manner, that I had no -cause to be disobliged; and the arrival of her mother relieved me -from a dilemma in which I should not have known how to demean myself -a minute longer. Neither could I resume the easiness of carriage -with which I came in; my mistress acted on the reserve, and the -conversation beginning to flag, the old lady introduced her kinswoman -of the house, and proposed a hand at whist. - -While we amused ourselves at this diversion, I understood from the -gentlewoman, that there was to be an assembly next night at which -I begged to have the honour of dancing with Miss. She thanked -me for the favour I intended her, assured me she never did dance, -but signified a desire of seeing the company, when I offered my -service, which was accepted, not a little proud of being exempted -from appearing with her in a situation, that, notwithstanding my -profession to the contrary, was not at all agreeable to my inclination. - -Having supped, and continued the game, till such time as the -successive yawns of the mother warned me to be gone, I took my -leave, and went home, where I made Strap very happy with an account -of my progress. Next day I put on my gayest apparel, and went to -drink tea at Mrs. Snapper's, according to appointment, when I found, -to my inexpressible satisfaction, that she was laid up with the -toothache, and that Miss was to be intrusted to my care. Accordingly, -we set out for the ball-room pretty early in the evening, and took -possession of a commodious place, where we had not sat longer than -a quarter of an hour, when a gentleman, dressed in a green frock, -came in, leading a young lady, whom I immediately discovered to be -the adorable Narcissa! Good heaven! what were the thrillings of my -soul at that instant! my reflection was overwhelmed with a torrent -of agitation! my heart throbbed with surprising violence! a sudden -mist overspread my eyes, my ears were invaded with a dreadful sound! -I panted for want of breath, and, in short, was for some moments -entranced! This first tumult subsiding, a crowd of flattering ideas -rushed upon my imagination. Everything, that was soft, sensible, -and engaging, in the character of that dear creature recurred -to my remembrance, and every favourable circumstance of my own -qualifications appeared in all the aggravation of self-conceit, -to heighten my expectation! Neither was this transport of long -duration. The dread of her being already disposed of intervened, -and overcast my enchanting reverie! My presaging apprehension -represented her encircled in the arms of some happy rival, and in -consequence for ever lost to me. I was stung with this suggestion, -and, believing the person who conducted her to be the husband of this -amiable young lady, already devoted him to my fury, and stood up -to mark him for my vengeance, when I recollected, to my unspeakable -joy, her brother the fox-hunter, in the person of her gallant. - -Undeceived so much to my satisfaction in this particular, I gazed -in a frenzy of delight on the irresistible charms of his sister, -who no sooner distinguished me in the crowd, than her evident -confusion afforded a happy omen to my flame. At sight of me she -started, the roses instantly vanished from her polished cheeks, -and returned in a moment with a double glow, that overspread her -lovely neck, while her enchanting bosom heaved with strong emotion. -I hailed these favourable symptoms, and, lying in wait for her looks, -did homage with my eyes. She seemed to approve my declaration, by -the complacency of her aspect; and I was so transported with the -discovery, that more than once I was on the point of making up to -her, to disclose the throbbings of my heart in person, had not that -profound veneration, which her presence always inspired, restrained -the unseasonable impulse. All my powers being engrossed in this -manner, it may easily be imagined how ill I entertained Miss Snapper -on whom I could not now turn my eyes, without making comparisons -very little to her advantage. It was not even in my power to return -distinct answers to the questions she asked from time to time, so -that she could not help observing my absence of mind; and having -a turn for observation, watched my glances, and, tracing them to -the divine object, discovered the cause of my disorder. That she -might, however, be convinced of the truth of her conjecture, she -began to interrogate me with regard to Narcissa, and, notwithstanding -all my endeavours to disguise my sentiments, perceived my attachment -by my confusion: upon which, she assumed a stateliness of behaviour, -and sat silent during the remaining part of the entertainment. At -any other time, her suspicion would have alarmed me: but now I was -elevated by my passion above every other consideration. The mistress -of my soul having retired with her brother, I discovered so much -uneasiness at my situation, that Miss Snapper proposed to go home; -and, while I conducted her to a chair, told me she had too great a -regard for me to keep me any longer in torment. I feigned ignorance -of her meaning, and having seen her safely at her lodgings, took -my leave, and went home in an ecstasy, where I disclosed everything -that had happened to my confidant and humble servant, Strap, who -did not relish the accident so well as I expected; and observed, -that a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. "But, however," -said he, "you know best--you know best." Next day, as, I went to -the Pump Room, in hopes of seeing or hearing some tidings of my -fair enslaver, I was met by a gentlewoman, who, having looked hard -at me, cried, "O Christ, Mr. Random!" Surprised at this exclamation, -I examined the countenance of the person who spoke, and immediately -recognised my old sweetheart and fellow sufferer, Miss Williams. - -I was mightily pleased to find this unfortunate woman under such -a decent appearance, professed my joy at seeing her so well, and -desired to know where I should have the pleasure of her conversation. -She was as heartily rejoiced at the apparent easiness of my fortune, -and gave me to know that she, as yet, had no habitation that she -could properly call her own; but would wait on me at any place -I should please to appoint. Understanding that she was unengaged -for the present, I showed her the way to my lodgings, where, after -a very affectionate salutation, she informed me of her being very -happy in the service of a young lady to whom she was recommended by -a former mistress deceased, into whose family she had recommended -herself by the honest deceit she had concerted, while she lived with -me in the garret at London. She then expressed a vehement desire -to be acquainted with the vicissitudes of my life since we parted, -and excused her curiosity on account of the concern she had for my -interest. I forthwith gratified her request, and, when I described -my situation in Sussex, perceived her to attend to my story with -particular eagerness. She interrupted me, when I had finished that -period, with, "Good God! is it possible?" and then begged I would -be so good as to continue my relation; which I did as briefly as I -could, burning with impatience to know the cause of her surprise, -about which I had already formed a very interesting conjecture. - -When I had brought my adventures down to the present day, who seemed -very much affected with the different circumstances of my fortune; -and saying, with a smile, she believed my distresses were now at a -period, proceeded to inform me that the lady whom she served was -no other than the charming Narcissa, who had honoured her with -her confidence for some time; in consequence of which trust, she -had often repeated the story of John Brown with great admiration -and regard; that she loved to dwell upon the particulars of his -character, and did not scruple to own a tender approbation of his -flame. I became delirious at this piece of intelligence, strained -Miss Williams in my embrace, called her the angel of my happiness, -and acted such extravagances, that she might have been convinced -of my sincerity, had she not been satisfied of my honour before. -As soon as was in condition to yield attention, she described the -present situation of her mistress, who had no sooner reached her -lodgings the night before, than she closeted her, and in a rapture -of joy gave her to know that she had seen me at the ball, where -I appeared in the character which she always thought my due, with -such advantage of transformation that, unless my image had been -engraven on her heart, it would have been impossible to know me for -the person who had worn her aunt's livery; that by the language of -my eyes, she was assured of the continuance of my passion for her, -and consequently of my being unengaged to any other; and that, though -she did not doubt I would speedily fall upon some method of being -introduced, she was so impatient to hear of me, that she (Miss -Williams) had been sent abroad this very morning, on purpose to -learn the name and character I at present bore. My bosom had been -hitherto a stranger to such a flood of joy as now rushed upon it; -my faculties were overborne by the tide; it was some time before I -could open my mouth, and much longer ere I could utter a coherent -sentence. At length, I fervently requested her to lead me immediately -to the object of my adoration; but she resisted my importunity, and -explained the danger of such premature conduct. "How favourable -soever," said she, "my lady's inclination towards you may be, you -may depend upon it, she will not commit the smallest trespass on -decorum, either in disclosing her own, or in receiving a declaration -of your passion: and, although the great veneration I have for you -has prompted me to reveal what she communicated to me in confidence, -I know so well the severity of her sentiments with respect to the -punctilios of her sex that, if she should learn the least surmise -of it, she would not only dismiss me as a wretch unworthy of -her benevolence, but also for ever shun the efforts of your love." -I assented to the justness of her remonstrance, and desired she -would assist me with her advice and direction: upon which it was -concerted between us, that for the present I should be contented -with her telling Narcissa that, in the course of her inquiries, she -could only learn my name: and that, if, in a day or two, I could -fall upon no other method of being introduced to her mistress, -she would deliver a letter from me, on pretence of consulting her -happiness: and say that I met her in the streets, and bribed her -to this piece of service. Matters being thus adjusted, I kept my -old acquaintance to breakfast, and learned from her conversation, -that my rival Sir Timothy had drunk himself into an apoplexy, of -which he died five months ago; that the savage was still unmarried -and that his aunt had been seized with a whim which he little -expected, and chosen the schoolmaster of the parish for her lord -and husband: but matrimony not agreeing with her constitution she -had been hectic and dropsical a good while, and was now at Bath, -in order to drink the waters for the recovery of her health; that -her niece had accompanied her thither at her request, and attended -her with the same affection as before, notwithstanding the mistake -she had committed: and that the nephew, who had been exasperated at -the loss of her fortune, did not give his attendance out of good -will, but purely to have an eye on his sister, lest she should -likewise throw herself away without his consent or approbation. -Having enjoyed ourselves in this manner, and made an assignation -to meet next day at a certain place, Miss Williams took her leave; -and Strap's looks being very inquisitive about the nature of the -communication subsisting between us, I made him acquainted with -the whole affair, to his great astonishment and satisfaction. - - - - - -CHAPTER LVI - - - - -I become acquainted with Narcissa's brother, who invites me to -his House, where I am introduced to that adorable Creature--after -dinner, the Squire retires to take his nap--Freeman, guessing -the Situation of my Thought, withdraws likewise, on pretence of -Business--I declare my passion for Narcissa--am well-received--charmed -with her Conversation--the Squire detains us to Supper--I elude -his design by a Stratagem, and get home sober - - -In the afternoon, I drank tea at the house of Mr. Freeman, to whom -I had been recommended by Banter; where I had not sat five minutes, -till the foxhunter came in, and by his familiar behaviour appeared -to be intimate with my friend. I was, at first, under some concern, -lest he should recollect my features; but when I found myself -introduced to him as a gentleman from London, without being discovered, -I blessed the opportunity that brought me into his company; hoping -that, in the course of my acquaintance, he would invite me to his -house; nor were my hopes frustrated, for, as we spent the evening -together, he grew extremely fond of my conversation, asked a great -many childish questions about France and foreign parts; and seemed -so highly entertained with my answers, that in his cups he shook -me often by the hand, pronounced me an honest fellow, and in fine -desired our company at dinner next day, at his civil house. My -imagination was so much employed in anticipating the happiness I -was to enjoy next day, that I slept very little that night; but, -rising early in the morning, went to the place appointed, where I -met my she-friend, and imparted to her my success with the squire. -She was very much pleased at the occasion, "which," she said, "could -not fail of being agreeable to Narcissa, who, in spite of her passion -for me, had mentioned some scruples relating to my true situation -and character, which the delicacy of her sentiments suggested, and -which she believed I would find it necessary to remove, though she -did not know how." I was a good deal startled at this insinuation, -because I foresaw the difficulty I should find in barely doing -myself justice: for, although it never was my intention to impose -myself upon any woman, much less on Narcissa, I laid claim to the -character of a gentleman by birth, education, and behaviour; and yet -(so unlucky had the circumstances of my life fallen out) I should -find it a very hard matter to make good my pretensions even to -these, especially to the last, which was the most essential. Miss -Williams was as sensible as I of this my disadvantage, but comforted -me with observing that, when once a woman has bestowed her affections -on a man, she cannot help judging of him in all respects with -a partiality easily influenced in his favour: she remarked that, -although some situations of my life had been low, yet none of them -had been infamous; that my indigence had been the crime not of me, -but of fortune; and that the miseries I had undergone, by improving -the faculties both of mind and body, qualified me the more for any -dignified station; and would of consequence recommend me to the -good graces of any sensible woman: she therefore advised me to be -always open and unreserved to the inquiries of my mistress, without -unnecessarily betraying the meanest occurrences of my fate; and -trust to the strength of her love and reflection for the rest. - -The sentiments of this sensible young woman on this, as well as on -almost every other subject, perfectly agreed with mine. I thanked -her for the care she took of my interests, and, promising to behave -myself according to her directions we parted, after she had assured -me that I depend upon her best offices with her mistress, and that -she would from time to time communicate to me such intelligence as -she could procure, relating to my flame. Having dressed myself to -the best advantage, I waited for the time of dinner with the most -fearful impatience; and, as the hour drew near, my heart beat with -such increased velocity, and my spirits contracted such disorder, -that I began to suspect my resolution, and even to wish myself -disengaged. At last Mr. Freeman called at my lodgings in his way, -and I accompanied him to the house where all my happiness was -deposited. We were very kindly received by the squire, who sat -smoking his pipe in a parlour, and asked if we chose to drink any -thing before dinner: though I never had more occasion for a cordial, -I was ashamed to accept his offer, which was also refused, by -my friend. We sat down, however, entered into conversation, which -lasted half-an hour, so that I had time to recollect myself; and -(so capricious were my thoughts) even to hope that Narcissa would -not appear--when, all of a sudden, a servant coming in, gave us -notice that dinner was upon the table, and my perturbation returned -with such violence that I could scarcely conceal it from the company, -as I ascended the staircase. When I entered the dining-room, the -first object that saluted my ravished eyes was the divine Narcissa, -blushing like Aurora, adorned with all the graces that meekness, -innocence, and beauty can diffuse! I was seized with a giddiness, -my knees tottered and I scarce had strength enough to perform the -ceremony of salutation, when her brother, slapping me on the shoulder, -cried, "Measure Randan, that there is my sister." I approached her -with eagerness and fear; but in the moment of our embrace, my soul -was agonized with rapture! It was a lucky circumstance for us -both, that my entertainer was not endued with an uncommon stock -of penetration; for our mutual confusion was so manifest that Mr. -Freeman perceived it, and as we went home together, congratulated -me on my good fortune. But so far was Bruin from entertaining the -least suspicion, that he encouraged me to begin a conversation -with my mistress in a language unknown to him, by telling her, that -he had a gentleman who could jabber with her in French and other -foreign lingoes as fast as she pleased; then, turning to me, said, -"Odds bobs! I wish you would hold discourse with her in your French -or Italian, and tell me if she understands it as well as she would -be thought to do. There's her aunt and she will chatter together -whole days in it, and I can't have a mouthful of English for love -or money." I consulted the look of my amiable mistress and found her -averse to his proposal, which indeed she declined with a sweetness -of denial peculiar to herself, as a piece of disrespect to that part -of the company which did not understand the language in question. -As I had the happiness of sitting opposite to her, I feasted my -eyes much more than my palate which she tempted in vain with the -most delicious bits carved by her fair hand, and recommended by -her persuasive tongue; but all my other appetites were swallowed -up in immensity of my love, which I fed by gazing incessantly on -the delightful object. Dinner was scarcely ended, when the squire -became very drowsy, and after several dreadful yawns, got up, -stretched himself, took two or three turns across the room, begged -we would allow him to take a short nap, and, having laid a strong -injunction on his sister to detain us till his return, went to his -repose without further ceremony. He had not been gone many minutes, -when Freeman, guessing the situation of my heart, and thinking -he could not do me a greater favour than to leave me alone with -Narcissa, pretended to recollect himself all of a sudden, and, -starting up, begged the lady pardon for half-an-hour, for he had -unluckily remembered an engagement of some consequence, that he must -perform at that instant: so saying, he took his leave, promising -to come back time enough for tea, leaving my mistress and me in -great confusion. - -Now that I enjoyed an opportunity of disclosing the paintings of -my soul, I had not the power to use it. I studied many pathetic -declarations, but, when I attempted to give them utterance, my -tongue denied its office and she sat silent with a downcast look -full of anxious alarm, her bosom heaving with expectation of some -great event. At length I endeavoured to put an end to this solemn -pause, and began with, "It is very surprising, madam, madam"--here -the sound dying away, I made a full stop; while Narcissa, starting, -blushed, and, with a timid accent answered, "Sir?" Confounded at -this note of interrogation, I pronounced with the most sheepish -bashfulness, "Madam!" To which she replied, "I beg pardon--I thought -you had spoken to me." Another pause ensued--I made another effort, -and, though my voice faltered very much at the beginning, made -shift to express myself in this manner: "I say, madam, it is very -surprising that love should act so inconsistently with itself, as -to deprive its votaries of the use of their faculties, when they -have most need of them. Since the happy occasion of being alone -with you presented itself, I have made many unsuccessful attempts -to declare a passion for the loveliest of her sex--a passion which -took possession of my soul, while my cruel fate compelled me to wear -a servile disguise so unsuitable to my birth, sentiments, and let -me add, my deserts; yet favourable in one respect, as it furnished -me with opportunities of seeing and adoring your perfections. Yes, -madam, it was then your dear idea entered my bosom, where it has -lived unimpaired in the midst of numberless cares, and animated me -against a thousand dangers and calamities!" - -While I spoke thus, she concealed her face with her fan, and when -I ceased speaking, recovering herself from the most beautiful -confusion, told me she thought herself very much obliged by my -favourable opinion of her, and that she was very sorry to hear I -had been unfortunate. Encouraged by this gentle reply, I proceeded, -owned myself sufficiently recompensed by her kind compassion -for what I had undergone, and declared the future happiness of my -life depended solely upon her. "Sir," said she, "I should be very -ungrateful, if after the signal protection you once afforded me, I -should refuse to contribute towards your happiness in any reasonable -condescension." Transported at this acknowledgment I threw myself -at her feet, and begged she would regard my passion with a favourable -eye. She was alarmed at my behaviour, entreated me to rise lest her -brother should discover me in that posture, and to spare her for -the present upon a subject for which she was altogether unprepared. -In consequence of this remonstrance, I rose, assuring her I would -rather die than disobey her: but in the meantime begged her to -consider how precious the minutes of this opportunity were, and -what restraint I put upon my inclinations, in sacrificing them to -her desire. She smiled with unspeakable sweetness, and said there -would be no want of opportunities, provided I could maintain the -good opinion her brother had conceived of me, and I, enchanted by -her charms, seized her hand, which I well nigh devoured with kisses. -But she checked my boldness with a severity of countenance, and -desired I would not so far forget myself to her, as to endanger the -esteem she had for me; she reminded me of our being almost strangers -to each other, and of the necessity there was for her knowing me -better, before she could take any resolution in my favour; and, in -short, mingled so much good sense and complacency in her reproof, -that I became as much enamoured of her understanding as I had been -before of her beauty, and asked pardon for my presumption with -the utmost reverence of conviction. She forgave my offence with -her usual affability, and sealed my pardon with a look so full of -bewitching tenderness, that, for some minutes, my senses were lost -in ecstacy! I afterwards endeavoured to regulate my behaviour according -to her desire, and turn the conversation upon a more indifferent -subject; but her presence was an insurmountable obstacle to my -design; while I beheld so much excellence, I found it impossible -to call my attention from the contemplation of it! I gazed with -unutterable fondness! I grew mad with admiration! "My condition is -insupportable!" cried I: "I am distracted with passion! Why are -you so exquisitely fair?--why are you so enchantingly good?--why -has nature dignified you with charms so much above the standard of -woman? and, wretch that I am, how dare my unworthiness aspire to -the enjoyment of such perfection!" - -She was startled at my ravings, reasoned down my transport, and by -her irresistible eloquence, soothed my soul into a state of tranquil -felicity; but, lest I might suffer a relapse, industriously promoted -other subjects to entertain my imagination. She chid me for having -omitted to inquire about her aunt who (she assured me), in the midst -of all her absence of temper, and detachment from common affairs, -often talked of me with uncommon warmth. I professed my veneration -for the good lady, excused my omission, by imputing it to the -violence of my love, which engrossed my whole soul, and desired to -know the situation of her health. Upon which, the amiable Narcissa -repeated what I had heard before of her marriage, with all the -tenderness for her reputation that the subject would admit of; told -me she lived with her husband hard by, and was so much afflicted -with the dropsy, and wasted by a consumption, that she had small -hopes of her recovery. Having expressed my sorrow for her distemper, -I questioned her about my good friend, Mrs, Sagely, who, I learned -to my great satisfaction, was in good health, and who had by the -encomiums she bestowed upon me after I was gone, confirmed the -favourable impression my behaviour at parting had made on Narcissa's -heart. This circumstance introduced an inquiry into the conduct -of Sir Timothy Thicket, who (she informed me) had found means to -incense her brother so much against me that she found it impossible -to undeceive him: but, on the contrary, suffered very much in her -own character by his scandalous insinuations; that the whole parish -was alarmed, and actually in pursuit of me; so that she had been -in the utmost consternation on my account, well knowing how little -my own innocence and her testimony would have weighed with the -ignorance, prejudice, and brutality of those who must have judged -me, had I been apprehended; that Sir Timothy, having been seized -with a fit of apoplexy, from which with great difficulty he was -recovered, began to be apprehensive of death, and to prepare himself -accordingly for that great event; as a step to which he sent for -her brother, owned with great contrition the brutal design he had -upon her, and in consequence acquitted me of the assault, robbery, -and correspondence with her, which he had laid to my charge; after -which confession he lived about a month in a languishing condition, -and was carried off by a second assault. - -Every word that this dear creature spoke, riveted the chains with -which she held me enslaved! My mischievous fancy began to work, -and the tempest of my passion to wake again, when the return of -Freeman destroyed the tempting opportunity, and enabled me to quell -the rising tumult. A little while after, the squire staggered into -the room, rubbing his eyes, and called for his tea, which he drank -out of a small bowl, qualified with brandy; while we took it in the -usual way, Narcissa left us in order to visit her aunt; and when -Freeman and I proposed to take our leave, the foxhunter insisted -on our spending the evening at his house with such obstinacy of -affection, that we were obliged to comply. For my own part, I should -have been glad of the invitation, by which, in all likelihood, I -should be blessed with more of his sisters company, had I not been -afraid of risking her esteem, by entering into a debauch of drinking -with him, which, from the knowledge of his character, I foresaw -would happen: but there was no remedy. I was forced to rely upon the -strength of my constitution, which I hoped would resist intoxication -longer than the squire's, and to trust to the good nature and -discretion of my mistress for the rest. - -Our entertainer, resolving to begin by times, ordered the table to -be furnished with liquor and glasses immediately after tea, but we -absolutely refused to set in for drinking so soon; and prevailed -upon him to pass away an hour or two at whist, in which we engaged -as soon as Narcissa returned. The savage and I happened to be -partners at first, and, as my thoughts were wholly employed in a -more interesting game, I played so ill that he lost all patience, -swore bitterly, and threatened to call for wine, if they would not -grant him another associate. This desire was gratified, and Narcissa -and I were of a side; he won for the same reason that made him lose -before; I was satisfied, my lovely partner did not repine, and the -time slipped away very agreeably, until we were told that supper -was served in another room. - -The squire was enraged to find the evening so unprofitably spent, -and wreaked his vengeance on the cards, which he tore, and committed -to the flames with many execrations; threatening to make us redeem -our loss with a large glass and quick circulation; and indeed we -had no sooner supped, and my charmer withdrawn, than he began to -put his threat in execution. Three bottles of port (for he drank -no other sort of wine) were placed before us, with as many water -glasses, which were immediately filled to the brim, after his -example, by each out of his respective allowance, and emptied in a -trice to the best in Christendom. Though I swallowed this, and the -next, as fast as the glass could be replenished, without hesitation -or show of reluctance, I perceived that my brain would not be able -to bear many bumpers of this sort, and dreading the perseverance -of a champion who began with such vigour, I determined to make up -for the deficiency of my strength by a stratagem, which I actually -put in practice when the second course of bottles was called for. The -wine being strong and heady, I was already a good deal discomposed -by the dispatch we had made. Freeman's eyes began to reel, and -Bruin himself was elevated into a song, which he uttered with great -vociferation. When I therefore saw the second round brought in, I -assumed a gay air, entertained him with a French catch on the subject -of drinking, which, though he did rot understand it, delighted him -highly; and, telling him your choice spirits at Paris never troubled -themselves with glasses, asked if he had not a bowl or cup in the -house that would contain a whole quart of wine. "Odds niggers!" -cried he, "I have a silver candle cup that holds just the quantity, -for all the world; fetch it hither, Numps." The vessel being produced, -I bade him decant his bottle into it, which he having done, I nodded -in a very deliberate manner, and said, "Pledge you." He stared -at me for some time, and crying, "What! all at one pull, Measter -Randan?" I answered, "At one pull, Sir, you are no milk-sop--we -shall do you justice." "Shall you?" said he, shaking me by the -hand; "odds then, I'll see it out, an't were a mile to the bottom: -here's to our better acquaintance, measter Randan," So saying, he -applied it to his lips, and emptied it in a breath. I knew the effect -of it would be almost instantaneous; therefore taking the cup, began -to discharge my bottle into it, telling him he was now qualified -to drink with the Cham of Tartary. I had no sooner pronounced these -words than he took umbrage at them, and after several attempts to -spit, made shift to stutter, "A f--t for your Chams of T--Tartary! -I am a f--f--freeborn Englishman, worth th--three thousand a-year, -and v--value no man, d--me." Then, dropping his jaw, and fixing -his eyes, he hiccuped aloud, and fell upon the floor as mute as n -flounder. Mr. Freeman, heartily glad at his defeat, assisted me in -carrying him to bed, where we left him to the care of his servants, -and went home to our respective habitations, congratulating each -other on our good fortune. - - - - - -CHAPTER LVII - - - - -Miss Williams informs me of Narcissa's Approbation of my Flame--I -appease the Squire--write to my Mistress--am blessed with an -Answer--beg Leave of her Brother to dance with her at a Ball--obtain -his Consent and hers--enjoy a private Conversation with her--am -perplexed with Reflections--have the Honour of appearing her -Partner at a Ball--we are complimented by a certain Nobleman--he -discovers some Symptoms of a Passion for Narcissa--I am stung with -Jealousy--Narcissa, alarmed, retires--I observe Melinda in the -company--the Squire is captivated by her Beauty - - -I was met next morning at the usual place by Miss Williams, who -gave me joy of the progress I had made in the affection of her -mistress, and blessed me with an account of that dear creature's -conversation with her, after she had retired the night before -from our company. I could scarce believe her information, when -she recounted her expressions in my favour, so much more warm and -passionate were they than my most sanguine hopes had presaged; and -was particularly pleased to hear that she approved of my behaviour -to her brother after she withdrew. Transported at the news of my -happiness, I presented my ring to the messenger as a testimony of -my gratitude and satisfaction; but she was above such mercenary -considerations, and refused my compliment with some resentment, saying, -she was not a little mortified to see my opinion of her so low and -contemptible. I did myself a piece of justice by explaining my -behaviour on this head, and to convince her of my esteem, promised -to be ruled by her directions in the prosecution of the whole affair, -which I had so much at heart, that the repose of my life depended -upon the consequence. - -As I fervently wished for another interview, where I might pour -out the effusion of my love without danger of being interrupted, -and perhaps reep some endearing return from the queen of my desires, -I implored her advice and assistance in promoting this event: but -she gave me to understand, that Narcissa would make no precipitate -compliances of this kind, and I would do well to cultivate her -brother's acquaintance, in the course of which I should not want -opportunities of removing that reserve which my mistress thought -herself obliged to maintain during the infancy of our correspondence. -In the meantime she promised to tell her lady that I had endeavoured -by presents and persuasions, to prevail upon her (Miss Williams) to -deliver a letter from me, which she had refused to charge herself -with, until she should know Narcissa's sentiments of the matter; -and said, by these means she did not doubt of being able to -open a literary communication between us, which could not fail of -introducing more intimate connections. - -I approved of her counsel, and, our appointment being renewed for -the next day, left her with an intent of falling upon some method -of being reconciled to the squire, who, I supposed, would be offended -with the trick we had put upon him. With this view I consulted -Freeman, who, from his knowledge of the foxhunter's disposition, -assured me there was no other method of pacifying him, than that -of sacrificing ourselves for one night to an equal match with him -in drinking. This expedient I found myself necessitated to comply -with for the interest of my passion, and therefore determined to -commit the debauch at my own lodgings, that I might run no risk -of being discovered by Narcissa, in a state of brutal degeneracy. -Mr. Freeman, who was to be of the party, went, at my desire, to -the squire, in order to engage him, while I took care to furnish -myself for his reception. My invitation was accepted, my guests -honoured me with their company in the evening, when Bruin gave me -to understand that he had drunk many tons of wine in his life, but -was never served such a trick as I had played upon him the night -before. I promised to atone for my trespass, and, having ordered -to every man his bottle, began the contest with a bumper to the -health of Narcissa. The toasts circulated with great devotion, -the liquor began to operate, our mirth grew noisy, and, as Freeman -said, I had the advantage of drinking small French claret, the -savage was effectually tamed before our senses were in the least -affected, and carried home in an apoplexy of drunkenness. - -I was next morning, as usual, favoured with a visit from my kind and -punctual confidante, who, telling me she was permitted to receive -my letters for her mistress, I took up the pen immediately, and, -following the first dictates of my passion, wrote as follows: - - "Dear Madam, - Were it possible for the powers of utterance to reveal the - soft emotions of my soul, the fond anxiety, the glowing hopes, - the chilling flame, that rule my breast by turns, I should need - no other witness than this paper, to evince the purity and ardour - of that flame your charms have kindled in my heart, But alas! - expression wrongs my love! I am inspired with conceptions that no - language can convey! Your beauty fills me with wonder, your - understanding with ravishment, and your goodness with adoration! - I am transported with desire, distracted with doubts, and - tortured with impatience. Suffer me then, lovely arbitress of my - fate, to approach you in person, to breathe in soft murmurs my - passion to your ear, to offer the sacrifice of a heart overflowing - with the most genuine and disinterested love, to gaze with ecstacy - on the divine object of my wishes, to hear the music of her - enchanting tongue, and to rejoice in her smiles of approbation, - which will banish the most intolerable suspense from the bosom of - "Your enraptured, R-- R--." - -Having finished this effusion, I committed it to the care of my -faithful friend, with an injunction to second my entreaty with all -her eloquence and influence, and in the meantime went to dress, with -an intention of visiting Mrs. Snapper and Miss, whom I had utterly -neglected, and indeed almost forgotten, since my dear Narcissa had -resumed the empire of my soul. The old gentlewoman received me very -kindly, and Miss affected a frankness and gaiety which, however, -I could easily perceive was forced and dissembled: among other -things, she pretended to joke me upon my passion for Narcissa, -which she averred was no secret, and asked if I intended to dance -with her at the next assembly. I was a good deal concerned to -find myself become the town talk on this subject, lest the squire, -having notice of my inclinations, should disapprove of them, and, -by breaking off all correspondence with me, deprive me of the -opportunities I now enjoyed. But I resolved to use the interest -I had with him, while it lasted; and that very night, meeting him -occasionally, asked his permission to solicit her company at the -ball, which he very readily granted, to my inexpressible satisfaction. - -Having been kept awake the greatest part of the night by a thousand -delightful reveries that took possession of my fancy, I got up by -times, and, flying to the place of rendezvous, had in a little time -the pleasure of seeing Miss Williams approach with a smile on her -countenance, which I interpreted into a good omen. Neither was -I mistaken in my presage. She presented me with a letter from the -idol of my soul, which, after having kissed it devoutly, I opened -with the utmost eagerness, and was blessed with her approbation in -these terms: - - "Sir, - "To say I look upon you with indifference would be a piece of - dissimulation which I think no decorum requires, and no custom - can justify. As my heart never felt an impression that my tongue - was ashamed to declare, I will not scruple to own myself pleased - with your passion; confident of your integrity, and so well - convinced of my own discretion, that I should not hesitate in - granting you the interview you desire, were I not overawed by - the prying curiosity of a malicious world, the censure of which - might be fatally prejudicial to the reputation of - Your Narcissa." - -No anchorite in the ecstacy of devotion ever adored a relic with -more fervour than that with which I kissed this inimitable proof -of my charmer's candour, generosity, and affection! I read it over -a hundred times, was ravished with her confession in the beginning; -but the subscription of Your Narcissa yielded me such delight as -I had never felt before! My happiness was still increased by Miss -Williams, who blessed me with a repetition of her lady's tender -expressions in my favour, when she received and read my letter. -In short, I had all the reason in the world to believe that this -gentle creature's bosom was possessed by a passion for me, as warm, -though perhaps not so impetuous as mine for her. - -I informed my friend of the squire's consent to my dancing with -Narcissa at the ball and desired her to tell her mistress, that -I would do myself the honour of visiting her in the afternoon, -in consequence of his permission, when I hoped to find her as -indulgent as her brother had been complaisant in that particular. -Miss Williams expressed a good deal of joy at hearing I was so much -in favour with the foxhunter, and ventured to assure me, that my -visit would be very agreeable to my mistress, the rather because -Bruin was engaged to dine abroad. This was a circumstance which, I -scarce need say, pleased me. I went immediately to the Long Room, -where I found him, and, affecting to know nothing of his engagement, -told him, I would do myself the pleasure to wait upon him in the -afternoon, and to present his sister with a ticket for the ball. -He shook me by the band, according to custom, and, giving me to -understand that he was to dine abroad, desired me to go and drink -tea with Narcissa notwithstanding, and promised to prepare her for -my visit in the meantime. - -Everything succeeding thus to my wish, I waited with incredible -impatience for the time, which no sooner arrived than I hastened -to the scene, which my fancy had preoccupied long before. I -was introduced accordingly to the dear enchantress, whom I found -accompanied by Miss Williams, who, on pretence of ordering tea, -retired at my approach. This favourable accident, which alarmed -my whole soul, disordered her also. I found myself actuated by an -irresistible impulse; I advanced to her with eagerness and awe; -and, profiting by the confusion that prevailed over her, clasped -the fair angel in my arms, and imprinted a glowing kiss upon her -lips, more soft and fragrant than the dewy rosebud just bursting -from the stem! Her face was in an instant covered with blushes, -her eyes sparkled with resentment; I threw myself at her feet, and -implored her pardon. Her love became advocate in my cause; her look -softened into forgiveness; she raised me up, and chid me with so -much sweetness of displeasure that I could have been tempted to -repeat the offence, had not the coming in of the servant with the -tea-board prevented my presumption. While we were subject to be -interrupted or overheard, we conversed about the approaching ball, -at which she promised to grace me as a partner, but, when the -equipage was removed, and we were left alone, I resumed the more -interesting theme, and expressed myself with such transport and -agitation, that my mistress, fearing I should commit some extravagance, -rang the bell for her maid, whom she detained in the room, as a -check upon my vivacity. I was not sorry for this precaution, because -I could unbosom myself without reserve before Miss Williams, who -was the confidante of us both. I therefore gave a loose to the -inspirations of my passion, which operated so successfully upon the -tender affections of Narcissa, that she laid aside the constraint -she had hitherto worn, and blessed me with the most melting declaration -of her mutual flame! It was impossible for me to forbear taking the -advantage of this endearing condescension. She now gently yielded -to my embraces; while I, encircling all that I held dear within -my arms, tasted in advance the joys of that paradise I hoped in a -little time wholly to possess! We spent the afternoon in all the -ecstacy of hope that the most fervent love exchanged by mutual -vows could inspire; and Miss Williams was so much affected with -our chaste caresses, which recalled the sad remembrance of what -she was, that her eyes were filled with tears. - -The evening being pretty far advanced, I forced myself from the -dear object of my flame, who indulged me in a tender embrace at -parting, and, repairing to my lodgings, communicated to my friend -Strap every circumstance of my happiness, which filled him with so -much pleasure, that it ran over at his eyes; and he prayed heartily, -that no envious devil might, as formerly, dash the cup of blessing -from my lip. When I reflected on what had happened, and especially -on the unreserved protestations of Narcissa's love, I could not -help being amazed at her omitting to inquire into the particular -circumstances of life and fortune of one whom she had favoured -with her affection, and I began to be a little anxious about the -situation of her finances; well knowing that I should do an irreparable -injury to the person my soul held most dear, if I should espouse her -without being able to support her in the rank which was certainly -her due. I bad heard, indeed, while I served her aunt, that her -father had left her a considerable sum; and that everybody believed -she would inherit the greatest part of her kinswoman's dowry, but -I did not know how far she might be restricted by the old gentleman's -will in the enjoyment of what he left her: and I was too well -informed of the virtuoso's late conduct, to think my mistress could -have any expectation from that quarter. I confided, however, in -the good sense and policy of my charmer, who, I was sure, would not -consent to unite her fate with mine, before she had fully considered -and provided for the consequence. - -The ball night being arrived, I dressed myself in a suit I had -reserved for some grand occasion; and, having drunk tea with Narcissa -and her brother, conducted my angel to the scene, where she, in a -moment, eclipsed all her female competitors for beauty, and attracted -the admiration of the whole assembly. My heart dilated with pride -on this occasion, and my triumph rejected all bounds, when, after -we had danced together, a certain nobleman, remarkable for his -figure, and influence in the beau monde, came up, and in the hearing -of all present, honoured us with a very particular compliment upon -our accomplishments and appearance; but this transport was soon -checked, when I perceived his lordship attach himself with great -assiduity to my mistress, and say some warm things, which, I -thought, savoured too much of passion. It was then I began to feel -the pangs of jealousy; I dreaded the power and address of my rival; -I sickened at his discourse; when she opened her lips to answer, -my heart died within me; when she smiled, I felt the pains of the -damned! I was enraged at his presumption: I cursed her complaisance: -at length he quitted her, and went to the other side of the room. -Narcissa, suspecting nothing of the rage that inflamed me, put some -questions to me as soon as he was gone, to which I made no reply, -but assumed a grim look, which too well denoted the agitation of -my breast, and surprised her not a little. She no sooner observed -my emotion than she changed colour, and asked what ailed me? but -before I could make answer, her brother, pulling me by the sleeve, -bade me take notice of a lady who sat fronting us, whom I immediately, -to my vast astonishment, distinguished to be Melinda, accompanied -by her mother, and an elderly gentleman, whom I did not know. -"Wounds! Mr. Randan," cried the squire, "is she not a delicate -piece of stuff? 'Sdeath! I have a good mind--if I thought she was -a single person." - -Notwithstanding the perplexity I was in, I had reflection enough -to foresee that my passion might suffer greatly by the presence -of this lady, who, in all probability, would revenge herself upon -me, for having formerly disgraced her, by spreading reports to -my prejudice. I was therefore alarmed at these symptoms of the -Squire's admiration; and for some time did not know what reply to -make, when he asked my opinion of her beauty; at length I came to -a determination, and told him that her name was Melinda, that she -had a fortune of ten thousand pounds, and was said to be under -promise of marriage to a certain lord, who deferred his nuptials -a few mouths until he should be of age. I thought this piece -of intelligence, which I had myself invented, would have hindered -him effectually from entertaining any further thoughts of her; but -I was egregiously mistaken. The foxhunter had too much self-sufficiency -to despair of success against any competitor on earth. He therefore -made light of her engagement, saying, with a smile of self-approbation, -"Mayhap she will change her mind; what signifies his being a lord? -I think myself as good a man as e'er a lord in Christendom, and -I'll see if a commoner worth three thousand a year won't serve her -turn." This determination startled me not a little; I knew he would -soon discover the contrary of what I advanced; and as I believed he -would find her ear open to his addresses, did not doubt of meeting -with every obstacle in my amour that her malice could invent, and -her influence execute. This reflection increased my chagrin--my -vexation was evident. Narcissa insisted on going home immediately: -and, as I led her to the door, her noble admirer, with a look full -of languishment, directed to her a profound bow, which stung me -to the soul. Before she went into the chair, she asked, with an -appearance of concern, what was the matter with me? and I could -pronounce no more than "By heaven, I am distracted!" - - - - - -CHAPTER LVIII - - - - -Tortured with Jealousy, I go Home, and abuse Strap--receive a Message -from Narcissa, in Consequence of which I hasten to her Apartment, -where her endearing Assurances banish all my Doubts and Apprehensions--in -my Retreat discover Somebody in the Dark, whom, suspecting to be -a Spy, I resolve to kill, but, to my great Surprise, am convinced -of his being no other than Strap--Melinda slanders me--I become -acquainted with Lord Quiverwit, who endeavours to sound me with -regard to Narcissa--the Squire is introduced to his Lordship, and -grows cold towards me--I learn from my Confidante, that this Nobleman -professes honourable Love to my Mistress, who continues faithful -to me, notwithstanding the scandalous Reports she had heard to my -Prejudice--I am mortified with an Assurance that her whole Fortune -depends upon the Pleasure of her Brother-Mr. Freeman condoles me -on the Decline of my Character, which I vindicate so much to his -satisfaction, that he undertakes to combat Fame on my behalf - - -Having uttered this exclamation, at which she sighed, I went home -in the condition of a frantic Bedlamite: and, finding the fire in -my apartment almost extinguished, vented my fury upon poor Strap, -whose ear I pinched with such violence, that he roared hideously -with pain; and, when I quitted my hold, looked so foolishly aghast, -that no unconcerned spectator could have seen him without being -seized with an immoderate fit of laughter. It is true, I was soon -sensible of the injury I had done, and asked pardon for the outrage -I had committed; upon which my faithful valet, shaking his head, -said, "I forgive you, and may God forgive you!" But he could -not help shedding some tears at my unkindness. I felt unspeakable -remorse for what I had done, cursed my own ingratitude, and considered -his tears as a reproach that my soul, in its present disturbance, -could not bear. It set all my passions into a ferment: I swore horrible -oaths without meaning or application. I foamed at the mouth, kicked -the chairs about the room, and played abundance of mad pranks -that frightened my friend almost out of his senses. At length my -transport subsided, I became melancholy, and wept insensibly. - -During this state of dejection, I was surprised with the appearance -of Miss Williams, whom Strap, blubbering all the while, had conducted -into the chamber without giving me previous notice of her approach. -She was extremely affected with my condition, which she had learned -from him, begged me to moderate my passion, suspend my conjectures, -and follow her to Narcissa, who desired to see me forthwith. -That dear name operated upon me like a charm! I started up, and, -without opening my lips, was conducted into her apartment through -the garden, which we entered by a private door. I found the adorable -creature in tears; I was melted at the sight--we continued silent -for some time--my heart was too full to speak--her snowy bosom -heaved with fond resentment; at last she sobbing cried, "What have -I done to disoblige you?" My heart was pierced with the tender -question. I drew near with the utmost reverence of affection. I -fell upon my knees before her, and, kissing her hand, exclaimed, -"Oh! thou art all goodness and perfection! I am undone by want -of merit; I am unworthy to possess thy charms, which heaven bath -destined for the arms of some more favourite being." She guessed -the cause of my disquiet, upbraided me gently for my suspicion, and -gave me such flattering assurances of her eternal fidelity, that -all my doubts and fears forsook me, and peace and satisfaction -reigned within my breast. - -At midnight I left the fair nymph to her repose, and, being let -out by Miss Williams at the garden gate by which I entered, began -to explore my way homeward in the dark, when I heard at my back -a noise like that of a baboon when he mews and chatters. I turned -instantly, and, perceiving something black, concluded I was discovered -by some spy, employed to watch for that purpose; aroused at this -conjecture, by which the reputation of the virtuous Narcissa appeared -in jeopardy, I drew my sword, and would have sacrificed him to her -fame, had not the voice of Strap restrained my arm, it was with -great difficulty he could pronounce, "D--d--d-do! mum--um--um--murder -me if you please." Such an effect had the cold upon his jaws, that -his teeth rattled like a pair of castanets. Pleased to be thus -undeceived, I laughed at his consternation, and asked what brought -him thither? Upon which he gave me to understand, that his concern -for me had induced him to follow me to that place, where the same -reason had detained him till now, and he frankly owned, that, in -spite of the esteem he had for Miss Williams. he began to be very -uneasy about me, considering the disposition in which I went abroad; -and, if I had stayed much longer, would certainly have alarmed the -neighbourhood in my behalf. The knowledge of this his intention -confounded me. I represented to him the mischievous consequences -that would have attended such a rash action, and, cautioning -him severely against any such design for the future, concluded my -admonition with an assurance, that, in case he should ever act so -madly, I would, without hesitation, put him to death. "Have a little -patience!" cried he, in a lamentable tone; "your displeasure will -do the business, without your committing murder." I was touched -with this reproach; and, as soon as we got home, made it my business -to appease him, by explaining the cause of that transport during -which I had used him so unworthily. - -Next day when I went into the Long Room, I observed several whispers -circulate all of a sudden, and did not doubt that Melinda had been -busy with my character; but I consoled myself with the love of -Narcissa, upon which I rested with the most perfect confidence; and -going up to the rowly-powly table, won a few pieces from my suspected -rival, who, with an easy politeness, entered into conversation with -me, and, desiring my company to the coffee-house, treated me with -tea and chocolate. I remembered Strutwell, and guarded against -his insinuating behaviour; nor was my suspicion wrong placed; he -artfully turned the discourse upon Narcissa, and endeavoured by -hinting at an intrigue he pretended to be engaged in elsewhere, to -learn what connection there was between her and me. But all his -finesse was ineffectual, I was convinced of his dissimulation, and -gave such general answers to his inquiries, that he was forced to -drop the subject, and talk of something else. - -While we conversed in this manner, the savage came in with another -gentleman, who introduced him to his lordship, and he was received -with such peculiar marks of distinction, that I was persuaded -the courtier intended to use him in some shape or other; and from -thence I drew an unlucky omen. But I had more cause to be dismayed -the following day, when I saw the squire in company with Melinda -and her mother, who honoured me with several disdainful glances; and -when I afterwards threw myself in his way, instead of the cordial -shake of the hand, he returned my salute with a cold repetition -of "Servant, servant!" which he pronounced with such indifference -or rather contempt, that if he had not been Narcissa's brother, I -should have affronted him in public. - -These occurrences disturbed me not a little; I foresaw the brooding -storm, and armed myself with resolution for the occasion; but -Narcissa, being at stake, I was far from being resigned. I could -have renounced every other comfort of life with some degree of -fortitude, but the prospect of losing her disabled all my philosophy, -and tortured my soul into madness. - -Miss Williams found me, next morning, full of anxious tumult, -which did not abate when she told me that my Lord Quiverwit, having -professed honourable intentions, had been introduced to my lovely -mistress by her brother, who had, at the same time, from the -information of Melinda, spoken of me as an Irish fortune-hunter, -without either birth or estate; who supported myself in the appearance -of a gentleman by sharping and other infamous practices; and who -was of such an obscure origin, that I did not even know my own -extraction. Though I expected all this malice, I could not hear it -with temper, especially as truth was so blended with falsehood in -the assertion, that it would be almost impossible to separate the -one from the other in my vindication. But I said nothing on this -head, being impatient to know how Narcissa had been affected with -the discovery. That generous creature, far from believing these -imprecations, was no sooner withdrawn with her confidante, than she -inveighed with great warmth against the malevolence of the world, -to which only she ascribed the whole of what had been said to my -disadvantage, and, calling every circumstance of my behaviour to -her into review before her, found everything so polite, honourable, -and disinterested, that she could not harbour the least doubt of my -being the gentleman I assumed. "I have indeed," said she, "purposely -forborne to ask the particulars of his life, lest the recapitulation -of some misfortunes, which he has undergone, should give him pain; -and, as to the article of his fortune, I own myself equally afraid -of inquiring into it, and of discovering the state of my own, lest -we should find ourselves both unhappy in the explanation; for, alas! -my provision is conditional, and depends entirely on my marrying -with my brother's consent." - -I was thunderstruck with this intelligence, the light forsook my -eyes, the colour vanished from my cheeks, and I remained in a state -of universal trepidation! My female friend, perceiving my disorder, -encouraged me with assurances of Narcissa's constancy, and the -hope of some accident favourable to our love; and, as a further -consolation, gave me to understand, that she had acquainted my -mistress with the outlines of my life: and that, although she was -no stranger to the present low state of my finances, her love and -esteem were rather increased than diminished by the knowledge of -my circumstances. I was greatly comforted by this assurance, which -saved me a world of confusion and anxiety; for I must have imparted -my situation one day to Narcissa, and this task I could not have -performed without shame and disorder. - -As I did not doubt that by this time the scandalous aspersions of -Melinda were diffused all over the town, I resolved to collect my -whole strength of assurance, to browbeat the efforts of her malice, -and to publish her adventure with the frenchified barber by way of -reprisal. In the meantime, having promised to be at the garden-gate -about midnight, Miss Williams took her leave, bidding me repose -myself entirely on the affection of my dear Narcissa, which was -as perfect as inviolable. Before I went abroad, I was visited by -Freeman, who came on purpose to inform me of the infamous stories -that were raised at my expense. I heard them with great temper, and -in my turn disclosed everything that had happened between Melinda -and me; and among other circumstances entertained him with the -story of the barber, letting him know what share his friend Banter -had in that affair. He was convinced of the injury my reputation -had suffered; and, no longer doubting the fountain from whence -this deluge of slander had flowed upon me, undertook to undeceive -the town in my behalf, and roll the stream back upon its source; -but in the meantime, cautioned me from appearing in public, while -the prepossession was so strong against me, lest I should meet with -some affront that might have bad consequences. - - - - -CRAPTER LIX - - - -I receive an extraordinary Message at the Door of the Long Room, -which, however, enter, and affront the Squire, who threatens to -take the Law of me--Rebuke Melinda for her Malice--she weeps with -Vexation--Lord Quiverwit is severe upon me--I retort his Sarcasm--am -received with the utmost Tenderness by Narcissa, who desires to -hear the Story of my Life--we vow eternal Constancy to other--I -retire--am waked by a Messenger, who brings a Challenge from -Quiverwit, whom I meet, engage, and vanquish - - -I thanked him for his advice, which, however, my pride and resentment -would not permit me to follow; for he no sooner left me, in order -to do justice to my character among his friends and acquaintance, -than I sallied out, and went directly to the Long Room. I was met -at the door by a servant, who presented a billet to me without -a subscription, importing that my presence was disagreeable to -the company, and desiring I would take the hint without further -disturbance, and bestow myself elsewhere for the future. This -peremptory message filled me with indignation. I followed the fellow -who delivered it, and, seizing him by the collar in presence of -all the company, threatened to put him instantly to death, if he -did not discover the scoundrel who had charged him with such an -impudent commission, that I might punish him as he deserved. The -messenger, affrighted at my menaces and furious looks, fell upon his -knees, and told me, that the gentleman who ordered him to deliver -the letter was no other than Narcissa's brother, who, at that time, -stood at the other end of the room, talking to Melinda. I went up -to him immediately, and in the hearing of his inamorata, accosted -him in these words; "Lookee, squire, were it not for one consideration -that protects you from my resentment, I would cane you where you -stand, for having had the presumption to send me this scurrilous -intimation;" which I tore to pieces and threw in his face: at the -same time darting an angry regard at his mistress, I told her, -I was sorry she had put it out of my power to compliment her upon -her invention, but at the expense of her good nature and veracity. -Her admirer, whose courage never rose, but in proportion to the -wine he had swallowed, instead of resenting my address in what -is called an honourable way, threatened to prosecute me for an -assault, and took witnesses accordingly: while she, piqued at his -pusillanimous behaviour, and enraged at the sarcasm I had uttered -against her, endeavoured to make her quarrel a public cause, and -wept aloud with spite and vexation. - -The tears of a lady could not fail of attracting the notice and -concern of the spectators to whom she complained of my rudeness -with great bitterness, saying, if she were a man, I durst not use -her so. The greatest part of the gentlemen, already prejudiced -against me, were offended at the liberty I had taken, as appeared -from their looks; though none of them signified their disgust -any other way except my Lord Quiverwit, who ventured to say, with -a sneer, that I was in the right to establish my own character, -of which he had now no longer any doubt. Nettled at this severe -equivocation, which raised a laugh at my expense, I replied with -some warmth, "I am proud of having in that particular got the start -of your lordship." He made no answer to my repartee, but with a -contemptuous smile walked off, leaving me in a very disagreeable -situation. In vain did I make up to several people of my acquaintance, -whose conversation, I hoped, would banish my confusion; everybody -shunned me like a person infected, and I should not have been able -to bear my disgrace, had not the idea of the ever faithful and fond -Narcissa come to my relief. I quitted the scene of my mortification, -and, sauntering about the town, happened to wake from my contemplation, -when I found myself just opposite to a toy-shop, which I entered, -and purchased a ring set with a ruby in the form of a heart, surrounded -by diamond sparks, for which I paid ten guineas, intending it for -a present to the charmer of my soul. - -I was introduced, at the hour appointed, to this divine creature, -who, notwithstanding what she had heard to my disadvantage, received -me with the utmost confidence and tenderness; and, having been -informed of the general sketches of my life by Miss Williams, -expressed a desire, of knowing the particular circumstances, which -I related with great candour, omitting, however, some things which -I concluded altogether improper for her ear, and which the reader's -reflection will easily suggest. As my story was little else than a -recital of misfortunes, the tear of sympathy ceased not to trickle -from her enchanting eyes during the whole of the narration, which, -when I had finished, she recompensed me for my trouble with the -most endearing protestations of eternal love. She bewailed her -restricted condition, as it was the means of retarding my happiness; -told me that Lord Quiverwit, by her brother's permission, had been -to drink tea with her that very afternoon, and actually proposed -marriage; and, seeing me extremely affected with this piece of -information, offered to give me a convincing proof of her affection, -by espousing me in private, and leaving the rest to fate. I was -penetrated with this instance of her regard, but, that I might -not be outdone in generosity, resisted the bewitching temptation -in consideration of her honour and interest; at the same time I -presented my ring as a pledge of my inviolable attachment, and, on -my knees, implored Heaven to shower its curses on my head, if ever -my heart should entertain one thought unworthy of the passion I -then avowed. She received my token, gave me in return her picture -in miniature, exquisitely drawn and set in gold; and, in the same -posture, called Heaven to witness and to judge her flame. Our vows -being thus reciprocally breathed, a confidence of hope ensued, and -our mutual fondness becoming as intimate as innocence would allow, I -grew insensible of the progress of time, and it was morning before -I could tear myself from this darling of my soul! My good angel -foresaw what would happen, and permitted me to indulge myself on -this occasion, in consideration of the fatal absence I was doomed -to suffer. - -I went to bed immediately on my return to my lodging, and, having -slept about two hours, was waked by Strap, who in great confusion -told me there was a footman below with a letter, which he would -deliver to nobody but myself. Alarmed at this piece of news, -I desired my friend to show him into my chamber, and received the -following letter, which, he said, required an immediate answer: - - "Sir,-- - When any man injures my honour, let the difference of rank - between us be ever so great, I am contented to wave the privilege - of my quality, and to seek reparation from him on equal terms. - The insolence of your reply to me yesterday, in the Long Room, I - might have overlooked, had not your presumptive emulation in a much - more interesting affair, and which I made this morning, concurred - in persuading me to chastise your audacity with my sword. If you - therefore have spirit enough to support the character you - assume, you will not fail to follow the bearer immediately to a - convenient place, where you shall be met by - "Quiverwit." - -Whether I was enervated by the love and favour of Narcissa, or awed -by the superior station of my antagonist, I know not, but I never -had less inclination to fight than at this time. However, finding -there was a necessity for vindicating the reputation of my mistress, -as well as for asserting my own honour, I forthwith rose, and, -dressing in a hurry, put on my sword, bade Strap attend me, and -set out with my conductor, cursing my bad fortune all the way, for -having been observed in my return from my angel; for so I interpreted -his lordship's discovery. When I came within sight of my rival, -his lacquey told me he had orders to stop; upon which I commanded -Strap to halt also, while I walked forward; resolving, if possible, -to come to an explanation with my challenger, before we should -come to battle. Nor was an opportunity wanting; for I no sooner -approached than be asked, with a stern countenance, what business -I had in Mr. Topehall's garden so early in the morning? "I don't -know, my lord," said I, "how to answer a question put to me with such -magisterial haughtiness. If your lordship will please to expostulate -calmly, you will have no cause to repent of your condescension; -otherwise I am not to be intimated into any confession." "There is -no room for denial," answered he; "I saw you come out with my own -eyes." "Did any other see me?" said I. "I neither know nor care," -said he; "I want no other evidence than that of my own senses." -Pleased to hear that the suspicion was confined to him alone, -I endeavoured to appease his jealousy, by owning an intrigue with -the waiting maid: but he had too much discernment to be so easily -imposed upon, and told me there was only one way to convince him -of the truth of what I alleged, which was no other than renouncing -all claim to Narcissa upon oath, and promising, upon honour, never -to speak to her for the future. Exasperated at this proposal, I -unsheathed my sword, saying, "Heavens! what title have you, or any -man on earth, to impose such terms on me?" He did the same, and -making towards me with a contracted brow, said I was a villain, -and had dishonoured Narcissa. "He's a villain," I replied, in -a transport of fury, "who brands me with that imputation! She is -a thousand times more chaste than the mother that bore you; and I -will assert her honour with my heart's blood!" So saying, I rushed -upon him with more eagerness than address, and, endeavouring to get -within his point, received a wound in my neck, which redoubled my -rage. He excelled me in temper as well as in skill, by which means -he parried my thrusts with great calmness, until I had almost -exhausted my spirits; and, when he perceived me beginning to flag, -attacked me fiercely in his turn. Finding himself, however, better -opposed than he expected, he resolved to follow his lounge, and close -with me; accordingly, his sword entered my waistcoat, on the side -of the breast bone, and, running up between my shirt and skin, -appeared over my left shoulder. I imagined that his weapon had -perforated my lungs, and of consequence that the wound was mortal; -therefore, determined not to die unrevenged, I seized his shell, -which was close to my breast, before he could disentangle his point, -and, keeping it fast with my left hand, shortened my own sword with -my right, intending to run him through the heart; but he received -the thrust in the left arm, which penetrated up to the shoulder -blade. Disappointed at this expectation, and afraid still that -death would frustrate my revenge, I grappled with him, and, being -much the stronger, threw him upon the ground, where I wrested his -sword out of his hand, and, so great was my confusion, that instead -of turning the point upon him, struck out three of his foreteeth -with the hilt. In the meantime, our servants, seeing us fall, ran -up to separate and assist us; but before their approach I was upon -my feet, and had discovered that my supposed mortal wound was only a -slight scratch. The knowledge of my own safety disarmed me of a -good deal of my resentment, and I began to inquire with soma concern -into the situation of my antagonist, who remained on the ground -bleeding plentifully at his mouth and arm. I helped his footman -to raise him, and, having bound up his wound with my handkerchief, -assured it was not dangerous; I likewise restored his sword, and -offered to support him to his house. He thanked me with an air of -sullen dignity: and whispering that I should hear from him soon, -went away, leaning on his servant's shoulder. - -I was surprised at this promise, which I construed into a threat, -and resolved, if ever he should call me out again, to use whatever -advantage fortune might give me over him in another manner. In the -meantime I had leisure to take notice of Strap, who seemed quite -stupified with horror: I comforted him with an assurance, that -I had received no damage, and explained the nature of this affair -as we walked homeward. By the time I had got into my apartment, -I found the wound in my neck stiff and uneasy, and a good deal of -clotted blood ran down upon my shirt; upon which I pulled off my -coat and waistcoat, and unbuttoned my collar, that I might dress it -with more ease. My friend no sooner perceived my shirt quite dyed -with blood, than, imagining I had got at least twenty thousand -wounds, he cried, "O Jesus!" and fell flat on the floor. I stopped -the bleeding with a little dry lint, and, applying a plaster over -it, cleaned myself from the gore, shifted, and dressed, while he -lay senseless at my feet, so that when he recovered, and saw me -perfectly well, he could scarce believe his own eyes. Now that the -danger was passed, I was very well pleased with what had happened, -hoping that it would soon become known, and consequently dignify -my character not a little in this place. I was also proud of having -shown myself, in some shape, worthy of the love of Narcissa. who, -I was persuaded, would. not think the worse of me for what I had -done. - - - - - -CHAPTER LX - - - - -I am visited by Freeman, with whom I appear in Public, and -am caressed-am sent for by Lord Quiverwit, whose Presence I quit -flung--Narcissa is carried off by her Brother--I intend to pursue -him, and am dissuaded by my Friend--engage in Play, and lose all -my Money--set out for London--try my Fortune at the Gaming Table -without success--receive a letter from Narcissa--bilk my Tailor - - -While I entertained myself with these reflections, the news of the -duel, being communicated by some unknown channel, spread all over -the town. I was visited by Freeman, who testified his surprise at -finding me; for it was told, that Lord Quiverwit being dead of his -wounds, I had absconded, in order to avoid the cognizance of the -law. I asked, if people guessed the occasion of the quarrel; and, -understanding it was attributed to his lordship's resentment of -my reply in the Long Room, confirmed that conjecture, glad to find -Narcissa unsuspected. My friend, after I had assured him that my -antagonist was in no danger, wished me joy of the event, than which, -he said, nothing could happen more opportunely to support the idea -he had given of my character to his friends, among whom he had been -very assiduous in my behalf. - -On the strength of this assurance, I went with him to the coffee-house, -where I was saluted by a great many of those very persons who had -shunned me the preceding day; and I found everybody making merry -with the story of Melinda's French gallant. While I remained in -this place, I received a message from Lord Quiverwit, desiring, if -I were not engaged, to see me at his house. - -Thither I immediately repaired, and was conducted to an apartment -where I was received by his lordship in bed. When we were left by -ourselves, he thanked me in very polite terms for having used the -advantage fortune had given me over him with such moderation, and -asked pardon for any offence his resentment might have prompted -him to commit. "I would willingly," said he, "make you my friend; -but, as it is impossible for me to divest myself of my passion for -Narcissa, I am too well convinced of your sentiments, to think we -shall ever agree on that subject. I took the liberty, therefore, -of sending for you, in order to own candidly, that I cannot help -opposing your success with that young lady; though, at the same -time I promise to regulate my opposition by the dictates of justice -and honour. This, however, I think proper to advertise you of, that -she has no independent fortune; and, if you should even succeed in -your addresses, you will have the mortification to see her reduced -to indigence, unless you have wherewithal to support her--and I am -credibly informed of your incapacity that way--nay, I will confess, -that, urged by this consideration, I have actually sent notice to -her brother of the progress I suspect you have made in her affection, -and desired him to take his precautions accordingly." Alarmed and -provoked at this information, I told his lordship, that I did not -see how he could reconcile that piece of conduct with his profession -of open dealing, and flung away from him in a passion. - -As I walked homeward, in hope of hearing from my mistress as usual -by means of Miss Williams, I was surprised with the waving of -a handkerchief from the window of a coach-and-six that passed by -me at full speed: and upon further observation, I saw a servant -on horseback riding after it, who, I knew by his livery, belonged -to the squire. Thunderstruck with this discovery, the knowledge -of my misfortune rushed all at once upon my reflection! I guessed -immediately that the signal was made by the dear hand of Narcissa, -who, being hurried away in consequence of Lord Quiverwit's message -to her brother, had no other method of relating her distress, and -imploring my assistance. Frantic with this conjecture, I ran to my -lodgings, snatched my pistols, and ordered Strap to get post-horses, -with such incoherence of speech and disorder, that the poor valet, -terrified with the suspicion of another duel, instead of providing -what I desired, went forthwith to Freeman, who, being informed of -my behaviour, came straight to my apartment, and conjured me so -pathetically to make him acquainted with the cause of my uneasiness, -that I could not refuse telling him my happiness was fled with -Narcissa, and that I must retrieve her or perish. He represented -the madness of such an undertaking, and endeavoured to divert me -from it with great strength of friendship and reason. But all his -arguments would have been ineffectual, had he not put me in mind -of the dependence I ought to have on the love of Narcissa, and the -attachment of her maid, who could not fail of finding opportunities -to advertise me of their situation; and at the same time demonstrated -the injury my charmer's reputation must suffer from my precipitate -retreat. I was convinced and composed by these considerations: I -appeared in public with an air of tranquillity, was well received -by the best company in town, and, my misfortune taking air, condoled -accordingly: while I had the satisfaction of seeing Melinda so -universally discountenanced that she was fain to return to London, -in order to avoid the scoffs and censure of the ladies at Bath. But, -though the hope of hearing from the darling of my soul supported -my spirits a little while, I began to be very uneasy, when, at -the end of several weeks I found that expectation disappointed. In -short, melancholy and despondence took possession of my soul; and, -repining at that providence which, by acting the stepmother towards -me, kept me from the fruition of my wishes, I determined, in a fit -of despair, to risk all I had at the gaming table, with a view of -acquiring a fortune sufficient to render me independent for life; -or of plunging myself into such a state of misery, as would effectually -crush every ambitious hope that now tortured my imagination. - -Actuated by this fatal resolution, I engaged in play, and, after -some turns of fortune found myself, at the end of three days, worth -a thousand pounds; but it was not my intention to stop there, for -which cause I kept Strap ignorant of my success, and continued -my career until I was reduced to five guineas, which I would have -hazarded also, had I not been ashamed to fall from a bet of two -hundred pounds to such a petty sum. - -Having thus executed my scheme, I went home, amazed to find myself -so much at ease, and informed my friend Strap of my mischance with -such calmness, that he, imagining I joked, affected to receive the -tidings with great equanimity. But both he and I found ourselves -mistaken very soon. I had misinterpreted my own stupidity into -deliberate resignation, and he had reason to believe me in earnest -when he saw me next morning agitated with the most violent despair, -which he endeavoured to alleviate with all the consolation in his -power. - -In one of my lucid intervals, however, I charged him to take a place -in the stage coach for London; and, in the meantime, paid my debts -in Bath, which amounted to thirty shillings only. Without taking -leave of my friends, I embarked, Strap having the good fortune to -find a return horse, and arrived in town, without having net with -anything remarkable on the road. While we crossed Bagshot Heath, -I was seized with a sort of inclination to retrieve my fortune, by -laying passengers under contribution in some such place. My thoughts -were so circumstanced at this time, that I should have digested -the crime of robbery, so righteously had I concerted my plan, -and ventured my life in the execution, had I not been deterred by -reflecting upon the infamy that attends detection. - -The apartment I formerly lived in being unengaged, I took possession -of it, and next day went in quest of Banter, who received me with -open arms, in expectation of having his bond discharged to his -liking: but when he understood what had happened, his countenance -changed of a sudden, and he told me, with a dryness of displeasure -peculiar to himself, that, if he were in my place, he would put it -out of fortune's power to play him such another trick, and be avenged -of his own indiscretion at once. When I desired him to explain his -meaning, he pointed to his neck, raised himself on his tiptoes, -and was going away without any further ceremony, when I put him in -mind of my indigence, and demanded the five guineas I had formerly -lent him. "Five guineas?" cried he; "zounds! had you acted with -common prudence, you might have had twenty thousand in your pocket -by this time. I depended upon five hundred from you, as much as if I -had had notes for it in the bank; and by all the rules of equity, -you are indebted to me for that sum." I was neither pleased -nor convinced by this computation, and insisted on my right with -such determined obstinacy, that he was fain to alter his ton, and -appease my clamour by assuring me, that he was not master of five -shillings. Society in distress generally promotes good understanding -among people; from being a dun I descended to be a client, and asked -his advice about repairing my losses. He counselled me to have -recourse again to the gaming table, where I succeeded so well before, -and put myself in a condition by selling my watch. I followed his -directions, and, having accommodated him with a few pieces, went -to the place, where I lost every shilling. - -Then I returned to my lodgings full of desperate resolution, and -having made Strap acquainted with my fate, ordered him to pawn my -sword immediately, that I might be enabled to make another effort. -This affectionate creature no sooner understood my purpose, than, -seized with insupportable sorrow at the prospect of my misery, he -burst into tears, and asked what I proposed to do after the small -sum he could raise on the sword should be spent. "On my own account" -said he, "I am quite unconcerned; for, while God spares me health -and these ten fingers, I can earn a comfortable subsistence anywhere; -but what must become of you, who have less humility to stoop, and -more appetites to gratify?" Here I interrupted him, by saying, -with a gloomy aspect, I should never want a resource while I had a -loaded pistol in possession. Stupified with horror at this dreadful -insinuation, he stood mute for some time and then broke out into -"God of his infinite mercy enable you to withstand that temptation -of the devil! Consider your immortal soul--there's no repentance -in the grave! O Lord! that we ever should have come to this! Are -we not enjoined to resign ourselves to the will of Heaven?--where -is your patience?--Durum patientia frango--you are but a young -man--there may be many good things in store for you--accidit in -puncto quo non speratur in anno--remember your uncle, Mr. Bowling; -perhaps he is now on his voyage homeward, pleasing himself with -the hopes of seeing and relieving you; nay, peradventure, he has -already arrived, for the ship was expected about this time." A -ray of hope shot athwart my soul at this suggestion; I thanked my -friend for this seasonable recollection, and, after having promised -to take no resolution till his return, dismissed him to Wapping -for intelligence. - -In his absence I was visited by Banter, who, being informed of my -bad luck at play, told me that fortune would probably be one day -weary of persecuting me. "In the meantime," said he, "here's a letter -for you, which I received just now inclosed in one from Freeman." -I snatched it with eagerness, and knowing the superscription to be -of Narcissa's handwriting, kissed it with transport, and, having -opened it, read, - - "It is with great difficulty that I have stolen, from the - observation of those spies who are set over me, this opportunity - of telling you, that I was suddenly carried away from Bath - by my brother, who was informed of our correspondence by Lord - Quiverwit whom, I since understand, you have wounded in a duel - on my account. As I am fully convinced of your honour and love, - I hope I shall never hear of such desperate proofs of either for - the future. I am so strictly watched that it will be impossible - for you to see me, until my brother's suspicion shall abate, or - Heaven contrive some other unforeseen event in our behalf. In - the meantime, you may depend on the constancy and affection of - "Your own Narcissa. - - "P. S. Miss Williams, who is my fellow prisoner, desires to be - remembered to you. We are both in good health, and only in pain - for you, especially as it will be impracticable for you to - convey any message or letter to the place of our confinement; for - which reason. pray desist from the attempt, that, by miscarrying, - might prolong our captivity. - "N--." - -This kind letter afforded me great consolation: I communicated it to -Banter, and, at the same time, showed him her picture: he approved -of her beauty and good sense, and could not help owning that my -neglect of Miss Snapper was excusable, when such a fine creature -engrossed my attention. - -I began to be reconciled to my fate, and imagined, that, if I could -contrive means of subsisting until my uncle should arrive, in case -he were not already at home, he would enable me to do something -effectual in behalf of my love and fortune; I therefore consulted -Banter about a present supply, who no sooner understood that I had -credit, with a tailor, than he advised me to take off two or three -suits of rich clothes, and convert them into cash, by selling them -at half-price to a salesman in Monmouth Street. I was startled -at this proposal, which I thought savoured a little of fraud; he -rendered it palatable, by observing that, in a few months, I might -be in a condition to do everybody justice; and, in the meantime, -I was acquitted by the honesty of my intention. I suffered myself -to be persuaded by his salvo, by which my necessity, rather than my -judgment, was convinced; and, when I found there were no accounts -of the ship in which my uncle embarked, actually put the scheme -in practice, and raised by it five-and-twenty guineas, paying him -for his advice with the old five. - - - - - -CHAPTER LXI - - - - -I am arrested--carried to the Marshalsea--find my old Acquaintance -beau Jackson in that Jail--he informs me of his Adventures--Strap -arrives, and with difficulty is comforted--Jackson introduces me to -a Poet--I admire his Conversation and Capacity--am deeply affected -with my Misfortune--Strap hires himself as a Journeyman Barber - - -But this expedient was in a few weeks followed with a consequence -I did not foresee. A player, having purchased one of the suits -that were exposed to sale, appeared in it on the stage one night, -while my tailor unfortunately happened to be present. He knew it -immediately, and, inquiring minutely into the affair, discovered -my whole contrivance: upon which he came into my lodgings, and -telling me that he was very much straightened for want of money, -presented his bill, which amounted to fifty pounds. Surprised at -which unexpected address, I affected to treat him cavalierly, swore -some oaths, asked if he doubted my honour, and telling him I should -take care whom I dealt with for the future, bade him come again -in three days. He obeyed me punctually, demanded his money, and -finding himself amused with bare promises, arrested me that very day -in the street. I was not much shocked at this adventure, which, -indeed, put an end to a state of horrible expectation: but I refused -to go to a sponging-house, where I heard there was nothing but the -most flagrant imposition: and, a coach being called, was carried -to the Marshalsea, attended by a bailiff and his follower, who were -very much disappointed and chagrined at my resolution. - -The turnkey, guessing from my appearance that I had money in my -pocket, received me with the repetition of the Latin word depone, -and gave me to understand, that I must pay beforehand for the apartment -I should choose to dwell in. I desired to see his conveniences, and -hired a small paltry bed-chamber for a crown a week, which, in any -other place, would not have let for half the money. Having taken -possession of this dismal habitation, I sent for Strap, and my -thoughts were busied in collecting matter of consolation to that -faithful squire, when somebody knocked at my door, which I no -sooner opened, than a young fellow entered in very shabby clothes -and marvellous foul linen. After a low bow, he called me by name, -and asked if I had forgotten him. His voice assisted me in recollecting -his person, whom I soon recognised to be my old acquaintance, -Jackson, of whom mention is made in the first part of my memoirs. -I saluted him cordially, expressed my satisfaction at finding him -alive, and condoled him on his present situation, which, however, -did not seem to affect him much, for he laughed very heartily at the -occasion of our meeting so unexpectedly in this place. Our mutual -compliments being past, I inquired about his amour with the lady -of fortune, which seemed to be so near a happy conclusion when I -had the pleasure of seeing him last: and, after an immoderate fit -of laughter, he gave me to understand that he had been egregiously -bit in that affair. "You must know," said he, "that a few days -after our adventure with the bawd, and her b--ches, I found means -to be married to that same blue lady you speak of, and passed the -night with her at her lodgings, so much to her satisfaction, that -early in the morning, after a good deal of snivelling and sobbing, -she owned, that, far from being an heiress of great fortune, she -was no other than a common woman of the town, who had decoyed me -into matrimony, in order to enjoy the privilege of a femme couverte; -and that, unless I made my escape immediately, I should be arrested -for a debt of her contracting, by bailigs employed and instructed for -that purpose. Startled at this intimation, I rose in a twinkling, -and taking leave of my spouse with several hearty damns, got -safe into the verge of the court, where I kept snug, until I was -appointed surgeon's mate of a man-of-war at Portsmouth; for which -place I set out on Sunday, went on board of my ship, in which -I sailed to the Straits, where I had the good fortune to be made -surgeon of a sloop that came home a few months after, and was put -out of commission: whereupon, I came to London, imagining myself -forgotten, and freed from my wife and her creditors, but had not -been in town a week, before I was arrested for a debt of hers, -amounting to twenty pounds, and brought to this place, where I have -been fixed by another action since that time. However, you know -my disposition, I defy care and anxiety; and being on the half-pay -list, make shift to live here tolerably easy." I congratulated him -on his philosophy, and, remembering that I was in his debt, repaid -the money he formerly lent me, which, I believe, was far from being -unseasonable. I then inquired about the economy of the place, which -he explained to my satisfaction; and, after we had agreed to mess -together, he was just now going to give orders for dinner when -Strap arrived. - -I never in my life saw sorrow so extravagantly expressed in any -countenance as in that of my honest friend, which was, indeed, -particularly adapted by nature for such impressions. When we were -left by ourselves, I communicated to him my disaster, and endeavoured -to console him with the same arguments he had formerly used to me, -withal representing the fair chance I had of being relieved in a -short time by Mr. Bowling. But his grief was unutterable: he seemed -to give attention without listening, and wrung his hands in silence; -so that I was in a fair way of being infected by his behaviour, when -Jackson returned, and, perceiving the deference I paid to Strap, -although in a footman's habit, distributed his crumbs of comfort -with such mirth, jollity and unconcern, that the features of -the distressed squire relaxed by degrees; he recovered the use of -speech, and began to be a little more reconciled to this lamentable -event. We dined together on boiled beef and greens, brought from -a cook's shop in the neighbourhood, and, although this meal was -served up in a manner little corresponding with the sphere of life -in which I had lately lived, I made a virtue of necessity, ate -with good appetite, and treated my friends with a bottle of wine, -which had the desired effect of increasing the good humour of my -fellow prisoner, and exhilarating the spirits of Strap, who now -talked cavalierly of my misfortune. - -After dinner Jackson left us to our private affairs; when I desired -my friend to pack up all our things, and carry them to some cheap -lodgings he should choose for himself in the neighbourhood of the -Marshalsea, after he had discharged my lodgings, for which purpose -I gave him money. I likewise recommended to him the keeping -my misfortune secret, and saying to my landlord, or any other who -should inquire for me, that I was gone into the country for a few -weeks: at the same time I laid strong injunctions upon him to call -every second day upon Banter, in case he should receive any letter -for me from Narcissa, by the channel of Freeman; and by all means -to leave a direction for himself at my uncle's lodgings in Wapping, -by which I might be found when my kinsman should arrive. - -When he departed to execute these orders (which by the bye were -punctually performed that very night), I found myself so little -seasoned to my situation, that I dreaded reflection, and sought -shelter from it in the company of the beau, who, promising to -regale me with a lecture upon taste, conducted me to the common -side, where I saw a number of naked miserable wretches assembled -together. We had not been here many minutes, when a figure appeared, -wrapped in a dirty rug, tied about his loins with two pieces of -list, of different colours, knotted together; having a black bushy -beard, and his head covered with a huge mass of brown periwig, -which seems to have been ravished from the crown of some scarecrow. -This apparition, stalking in with great solemnity, made a profound -bow to the audience, who signified their approbation by a general -response of "How d'ye do, doctor!" He then turned towards us, -and honoured Jackson with a particular salutation, upon which my -friend, in a formal manner, introduced him to me by the name of Mr. -Melopoyn. This ceremony being over, he advanced into the middle -of the congregation, which crowded around him, and hemming three -times, to my utter astonishment, pronounced with great significance -of voice and gesture, a very elegant and ingenious discourse upon -the difference between genius and taste, illustrating his assertions -with apt quotations from the best authors, ancient as well as modern. -When he had finished his harangue, which lasted a full hour, he -bowed again to the spectators; not one of whom (I was informed) -understood so much as a sentence of what he had uttered. They -manifested, however, their admiration and esteem by voluntary -contributions, which Jackson told me, one week with another, amounted -to eighteen pence. This moderate stipend, together with some small -presents that he received for making up differences and deciding -causes amongst the prisoners, just enabled him to breathe and walk -about in the grotesque figure I have described. I understood also, -that he was an excellent poet, and had composed a tragedy, which was -allowed by everybody who had seen it to be a performance of great -merit: that his learning was infinite, his morals unexceptionable, -and his modesty invincible. Such a character could not fail of -attracting my regard; I longed impatiently to be acquainted with -him, and desired Jackson would engage him to spend the evening -in my apartment. My request was granted; he favoured us with his -company, and, in the course of our conversation perceiving that I -had a strong passion for the Belles Lettres, acquitted himself so -well on that subject, that I expressed a fervent desire of seeing -his productions. In this point too he gratified my inclination; -he promised to bring his tragedy to my room next day, and in the -meantime, entertained me with some detached pieces, which gave me a -very advantageous idea of his poetical talent. Among other things -I was particularly pleased with some elegies, in imitation of -Tibullus; one of which I beg leave to submit to the reader as a -specimen of his complexion and capacity:-- - - Where now are all my flattering dreams of joy? - Monimia, give my soul her wonted rest;-- - Since first thy beauty fixed my roving eye, - heart-gnawing cares corrode my pensive breast! - - Let happy lovers fly where pleasures call, - With festive songs beguile the fleeting hour, - Lead beauty through the mazes of the ball, - Or press her wanton in love's roseate bower: - - For me, no more I'll range the empurpled mead, - Where shepherd's pipe and virgins dance around, - Nor wander through the woodbine's fragrant shade, - To hear the music of the grove resound. - - I'll seek some lonely church, or dreary hall, - Where fancy paints the glimmering taper blue, - Where damps hang mouldering on the ivy'd wall, - And sheeted ghosts drink up the midnight dew, - - There, leagued with hopeless anguish and despair, - A while in silence o'er my fate repair: - Then, with a long farewell to love and care, - To kindred dust my weary limbs consign. - - Wilt thou, Monimia, shed a gracious tear - On the cold grave where all my sorrows rest? - Strew vernal flowers, applaud my love sincere, - And bid the turf lie easy on my breast? - - -I was wonderfully affected with this pathetic complaint, which -seemed so well calculated for my own disappointment in love, that -I could not help attaching the idea of Narcissa to the name of -Monimia, and of forming such melancholy presages of my passion, that -I could not recover my tranquillity: and was fain to have recourse -to the bottle, which prepared me for a profound sleep that I could -not otherwise have enjoyed. Whether these impressions invited and -introduced a train of other melancholy reflections, or my fortitude -was all exhausted in the effort I made against despondence, during -the first day of my imprisonment, I cannot determine; but I awoke -in the horrors, and found my imagination haunted with such dismal -apparitions, that I was ready to despair: and I believe the render -will own, I had no great cause to congratulate myself, when I -considered my situation. I was interrupted in the midst of these -gloomy apprehensions by the arrival of Strap, who contributed not -a little to the re-establishment of my peace, by letting me know -that he had hired himself as a journeyman barber; by which means -he would be able not only to save me a considerable expense, but -even make shift to lay up something for my subsistence, after my -money should be spent, in case I should. not be relieved before. - - - - - -CHAPTER LXII - - - - -I read Melopoyn's Tragedy, and conceive a vast Opinion of his -Genius--he recounts his Adventures - - -While we ate our breakfast together, I made him acquainted with -the character and condition of the poet, who came in with his play -at that instant, and, imagining we were engaged about business, -could not be prevailed upon to sit; but, leaving his performance, -went away. My friend's tender heart was melted at the sight of -a gentleman and Christian (for he had a great veneration for both -these epithets) in such misery; and assented with great cheerfulness -to a proposal I made of clothing him with the our superfluities; -a task with which he charged himself, and departed immediately to -perform it. - -He was to sooner gone than I locked my door, and sat down to the -tragedy; which I read to the end with vast pleasure, not a little -amazed at conduct of the managers who had rejected it. The fable, -in my opinion, was well chosen and naturally conducted, the incidents -interesting, the characters beautifully contrasted, strongly marked, -and well supported; the diction poetical, spirited and correct; the -unities of the drama maintained with the most scrupulous exactness; -the opening gradual and engaging, the peripeteia surprising, and -the catastrophe affecting, In short, I judged it by the laws of -Aristotle and Horace, and could find nothing in it exceptionable but -a little too much embellishment in some few places, which objection -he removed to my satisfaction, by a quotation of Aristotle's poetics, -importing, that the least interesting parts of a poem ought to be -raised and dignified by the charms and energy of diction. - -I revered his genius, and was seized with an eager curiosity to -know the particular events of a fortune so unworthy of his merit. -At that instant Strap returned with a bundle of clothes, which I -sent with my compliments to Mr. Melopoyn, as s small token of my -regard, and desired the favour of his company to dinner. He accepted -my present and invitation, and in less than half-an-hour made his -appearance in a decent dress, which altered his figure very much to -his advantage. I perceived by his countenance that his heart was -big with gratitude, and endeavoured to prevent his acknowledgments, -by asking pardon for the liberty I had taken; he made no reply, -but, with an aspect full of admiration and esteem, bowed to the -ground, while the tears gushed from his eyes. Affected with these -symptoms of an ingenuous mind, I shifted the conversation, and -complimented him on his performance, which I assured him afforded -me infinite pleasure. My approbation made him happy. Dinner being -served, and Jackson arrived, I begged their permission for Strap -to sit at table with us, after having informed them that he was -a person to whom I was extremely obliged; they were kind enough -to grant that favour, and we ate together with great harmony and -satisfaction. - -Our meal being ended, I expressed my wonder at the little regard -Mr. Melopoyn had met with from the world: and signified a desire of -hearing how he had been treated by the managers of the playhouses, -to whom I understood from Jackson, he had offered his tragedy -without success. "There is so little entertaining in the incidents -of my life," said he, "that I am sure the recital will not recompense -your attention; but, since you discover an inclination to know them -I understand my duty too well to disappoint your desire. - -"My father, who was a curate in the country, being by the narrowness -of his circumstances hindered from maintaining me at the university, -took the charge of my education upon himself, and laboured with -such industry and concern in the undertaking, that I had little -cause to regret the want of public masters. Being at great pains to -consult my natural bias, He discovered in me betimes an inclination -for poetry; upon which he recommended to me an intimate acquaintance -with the classics, in the cultivation of which he assisted me -with a paternal zeal and uncommon erudition. When he thought me -sufficiently acquainted with the ancients, he directed my studies -to the best modern authors, French and Italian as well as English, -and laid, and laid a particular injunction upon me make myself -master of my mother tongue. - -"About the age of eighteen, I grew ambitious of undertaking a work -of some consequence; and, with my father's approbation, actually -planned the tragedy you have read; but, before I had finished four -acts, that indulgent parent died, and left my mother and me in -very indigent circumstances. A near relation, compassionating our -distress, took us into his family, where I brought my fable to -a conclusion; and, soon after that period my mother quitted this -life. When my sorrow for this melancholy event had subsided, I -told my kinsman, who was a farmer, that, having paid my last duty -to my parent, I had now no attachment to detain me in the country, -and therefore was resolved to set out for London, and offer my play -to the stage, where I did not doubt of acquiring a large share of -fame as well as fortune; in which case I should not be unmindful -of my friends and benefactors. My cousin was ravished with the -prospect of my felicity, and willingly contributed towards the -expense of fitting me out for my expedition. - -"Accordingly I took a place in the waggon, and arrived in town, -where I hired an apartment in a garret, willing to live as frugally -as possible, until I should know what I had to expect from the -manager, to whom I intended to offer my play. For, though I looked -upon myself as perfectly secure of a good reception, imagining -that a patentee would be as eager to receive as I to present my -production, I did not know whether or not he might be pre-engaged -in favour of another author, a circumstance that would certainly -retard my success. On this consideration, too, I determined to be -speedy in my application, and even to wait upon one of the managers -the very next day. For this purpose, I inquired my landlord if he -knew where either or both of them lived: and he, being curious to -know my business, and at the same time appearing to be a very honest -friendly man (a tallow chandler), I made him acquainted with my -design, upon which he told me that I went the wrong way to work; -that I would not find such easy access to a manager as I imagined; -and that if I delivered my performance without proper recommendation, it -would be as one to a thousand if ever it would be minded. "Take my -advice," said he, "and your business is done. One of the patentees -is a good catholic, as I am, and uses the same father who confesses -me. I will make you acquainted with this good priest, who is -an excellent scholar, and if he should approve of your play, his -recommendation will go a great way in determining Mr. Supple to -bring it on the stage." I applauded his expedient, and was introduced -to the friar, who, having perused the tragedy, was pleased to -signify his approbation, and commended me in particular for having -avoided all reflections upon religion. He promised to use all his -influence with his son Supple in my behalf, and to inform himself -that very day at what time it was proper for me to wait upon him -with the piece. He was punctual in performing his engagement, and -next morning gave me to understand that he had mentioned my affair -to the manager, and that I had nothing more to do than to go to -his house any time in the forenoon, and make use of his name, upon -which I should find immediate admittance. I took his advice, put -my performance in my bosom, and, having received directions, went -immediately to the house of Mr. Supple, and knocked at the door, -which had a wicket in the middle, faced with a net-work of iron. -Through this a servant having viewed me for some time, demanded -to know my business. I told him my business was with Mr. Supple, -and that I came from Mr. O'Varnish. He examined my appearance once -more, then went away, returned in a few minutes, and said his master -was busy, and could not be seen. Although I was a little mortified -at my disappointment, I was persuaded that my reception was owing -to Mr. Supple's ignorance of my errand: and, that I might meet with -no more obstructions of the same kind, I desired Mr. O'Varnish to -be my introductor the next time. He complied with my request, and -obtained immediate admittance to the manager, who received me with -the utmost civility, and promised to read my play with the first -convenience. By his own appointment I called again in a fortnight, -but he was gone out: I returned in a week after, and the poor -gentleman was extremely ill: I renewed my visit in a fortnight -after that, and he assured me he had been so much fatigued with -business, that he had not been able as yet to read it to an end, -but he would take the first opportunity: and, in the meantime, -observed that what he had yet seen of it was very entertaining. I -comforted myself with this declaration a few weeks longer, at the -end of which I appeared again before his wicket, was let in, and -found him laid up with the gout. I no sooner entered his chamber -than, looking at me with a languishing eye, he said, "Mr. Melopoyn, -I'm heartily sorry for an accident that has happened during my -illness. You must know that my eldest boy, finding your manuscript -upon the table in the dining-room, where I used to read it, carried -it into the kitchen, and leaving it there, a negligent wench of a -cook-maid, mistaking it for waste paper, has expended it but a few -leaves in singing fowls upon the spit. But I hope the misfortune -is not irreparable, since, no doubt, you have several copies." - -"I protest to you, my good friend, Mr. Random, I was extremely -shocked at this information; but the good-natured gentleman seemed -to be so much affected with my misfortune, that I suppressed my -concern, and told him that, although I had not another copy, I should -be able to retrieve the loss by writing another from my memory, which -was very tenacious. You cannot imagine how well pleased Mr. Supple -was at this assurance; he begged I would set about it immediately, -and carefully revolve and recollect every circumstance before I -pretended to commit it to paper, that it might be the same individual -play that he had perused. Encouraged by this injunction, which -plainly demonstrated how much he interested himself in the affair, -I tasked my remembrance and industry, and in three weeks produced -the exact image of the former, which was conveyed to him by my -good friend Father O'Varnish, who told me next day, that Mr. Supple -would revise it superficially, in order to judge of its sameness -with the other, and then give his final answer. For this examination -I allotted a week: and, in full confidence of seeing it acted in a -little while, demanded an audience of the manager, when that term -was expired. But, alas! the season had slipped away insensibly. He -convinced me, that if my play had been put into rehearsal at the -time, it could not have been ready for performing until the end -of March, when the benefit nights came on; consequently, it would -have interfered with the interest of the players, whom it was not -my business to disoblige. - -"I was fain to acquiesce in these reasons, which, to be sure, were -extremely just; and to reserve my performance for the next season, -when he hoped I would not be so unlucky. Although it was a grievous -disappointment to me, who, by this time, began to want both money -and necessaries; having on the strength of my expectation from the -theatre, launched out into some extravagances, by which the sum I -brought to town was already almost consumed. Indeed, I ought to be -ashamed at this circumstance of my conduct; for my finances were -sufficient, with good economy, to have maintained me comfortably -a whole year. You will perhaps be amazed when I tell you that, in -six months, I expended not a farthing less than ten guineas: but, -when one considers the temptations to which a young man is exposed -in this great city, especially if he be addicted to pleasure, as -I am, the wonder will vanish, or at least abate. Nor was the cause -of my concern limited to my own situation entirely: I had written -an account of my good reception to my kinsman the farmer, and desired -him to depend upon me for the money he had kindly accommodated me -with about the end of February, which promise I now found myself -unable to perform. However, there was no remedy but patience: I -applied to my landlord, who was a very good-natured man, candidly -owned my distress, and begged his advice in laying down some plan -for my subsistence; he readily promised to consult his confessor -on this subject, and, in the meantime, told me, I was welcome to -lodge and board with him until fortune should put it in my power -to make restitution. - -"Mr. O'Varnish, being informed of my necessity, offered to introduce -me to the author of a weekly paper, who, he did not doubt, would -employ me in that way, provided he should find me duly qualified; -but, upon inquiry, I understood that this journal was calculated -to foment divisions in the commonwealth, and therefore I desired -to be excused from engaging in it. He then proposed that I should -write something in the poetical way, which I might dispose of to a -bookseller for a pretty sum of ready money, and, perhaps, establish -my own character into the bargain. This event would infallibly -procure friends, and my tragedy would appear next season to the -best advantage, by being supported both by interest and reputation. -I was charmed with this prospect, and having heard what friends Mr. -Pope acquired by his pastorals, set about a work of that kind, and -in less than six weeks composed as many eclogues, which I forthwith -offered to an eminent bookseller, who desired me to leave them for -his perusal, and he would give an answer in two days. At the end -of that time, I went to him, when he returned the poems, telling -me, they would not answer his purpose, and sweetened his refusal -by saying there were some good clever lines in them. Not a little -dejected at this rebuff, which, I learned from Mr. O'Varnish, was -owing to the opinion of another author whom this bookseller always -consulted on these occasions, I applied to another person of the -same profession, who told me the town was cloyed with pastorals, -and advised me, if I intended to profit by my talents, to write -something satirical or luscious, such as the Button Hole, Shockey -and Towner, The Leaky Vessel, etc, and yet this was a man in -years, who wore a reverend periwig, looked like a senator, and went -regularly to church. Be that as it will, I scorned to prostitute -my pen in the manner proposed, and carried my papers to a third, -who assured me that poetry was entirely out of his way; and asked -me if I had got never a piece of secret history, thrown into a series -of letters, or a volume of adventures, such as those of Robinson -Crusoe, and Colonel Jack, or a collection of Conundrums, wherewith -to entertain the plantations. Being quite unfurnished for this -dealer, I had recourse to another with as little success; and I -verily believe, was rejected by the whole trade. - -"I was afterwards persuaded to offer myself as a translator, and -accordingly repaired to a person who was said to entertain numbers -of that class in his pay; he assured me, he had already a great -deal of that work on his hands, which he did not know what to do -with; observed that translations were a mere drug, that branch of -literature being overstocked with an inundation of authors from -North Britain; and asked what I would expect per sheet for rendering -the Latin classics into English. That I might not make myself too -cheap, I determined to set a high price upon my qualifications, and -demanded half-a-guinea for every translated sheet. "Half-a-guinea!" -cried he, staring at me; then paused a little, and said, he had no -occasion for my service at present. I found my error, and, resolving -to make amends, fell one-half in my demand; upon which he stared -at me and told me his hands were full. I attempted others without -finding employment, and was actually reduced to a very uncomfortable -prospect, when I bethought myself of offering my talents to the -printers of half-penny ballads and other such occasional essays, -as are hawked about the streets. With this in view I applied to -one of the most noted and vociferous of this tribe, who directed -me to a person whom I found entertaining a whole crowd of them with -gin, bread, and cheese; he carried me into a little back parlour, -very neatly furnished, where I signified my desire of being -enrolled among his writers; and was asked what kind of composition -I professed. Understanding that my inclination leaned towards -poetry, he expressed his satisfaction, telling me one of his poets -had lost his senses, and was confined in Bedlam, and the other was -become dozed with drinking drams; so that he had not done anything -tolerable these many weeks. When I proposed that we should enter -into terms of agreement, he gave me to understand that his bargains -were always conditional, and his authors paid in proportion to the -sale of their works. - -"Having therefore settled these conditions, which (I do assure -you) were not very advantageous to me, he assigned me a subject for -ballad, which was to be finished in two hours; and I retired to my -garret in order to perform his injunction. As the theme happened -to suit my fancy, I completed a pretty sort of an ode within the -time prescribed, and brought it to him, big with hope of profit and -applause. He read it in a twinkling, and, to my utter astonishment, -told me it would not do; though indeed he owned I wrote a good hand, -an spelled very well, but my language was too high flown, and of -consequence not at all adapted to the capacity and taste of his -customers. I promised to rectify that mistake and in half an hour -humbled my style to the comprehension of vulgar readers; he approved -of the alteration, and gave me some hopes of succeeding in time, -though he observed that my performance was very deficient in the -quaintness of expression that pleases the multitude: however, to -encourage me, he ventured the expense of printing and paper, and, -if I remember aright, my share of the sale amounted to fourpence -halfpenny. - -"From that day I studied the Grub Street manner with great -diligence, and at length became such a proficient that my works were -in great request among the most polite of the chairmen, draymen, -hackney-coachmen, footmen, and servant maids: nay, I have enjoyed -the pleasure of seeing my productions adorned with cuts, pasted upon -the walls as ornaments in beer cellars and cobblers' stalls; and -have actually heard them sung in clubs of substantial tradesmen--but -empty praise (you know, my dear friend) will not supply the cravings -nature. I found myself in danger of starving in the midst of all my -fame; for of ten songs I composed, it was well if two had the good -fortune to please. For this reason I turned my thoughts to prose, -and, during a tract of gloomy weather, published an apparition, on -the substance of which I subsisted very comfortably a whole month; -I have made many a good meal upon a monster; a rape has often -afforded me great satisfaction; but a murder, well timed, was -my never-failing resource. What then? I was almost a slave to my -employers, who expected to be furnished at a minute's warning with -prose and verse, just as they thought the circumstances of the times -required, whether the inclination was absent or present. Upon my -sincerity, Mr. Random, I have been so much pestered and besieged -by those children of clamour, that life became a burden to me." - - - - - -CHAPTER LXIII - - - - -The Continuation and Conclusion of Mr. Melopoyn's Story - - -'I made shift, notwithstanding, to maintain myself till the -beginning of next winter, when I renewed my addresses to my friend -Mr. Supple, and was most graciously received. "I have been thinking -of your affair, Mr. Melopoyn," said he, "and am determined to -show how far I have your interest at heart, by introducing you to -a young nobleman of my acquaintance, who is remarkable for his fine -taste in dramatic writings, and is besides a man of such influence -that, if once he should approve of your play, his patronage will -support it against all the efforts of envy and ignorance; for, -I do assure you, that merit alone will not bring success. I have -already spoken of your performance to Lord Rattle, and if you -will call at my house in a day or two, you shall have a letter of -introduction to his lordship." I was sensibly touched with this mark -of Mr. Supple's friendship; and looking upon my affair as already -done, went home and imparted my good fortune to my landlord, who, -to render my appearance more acceptable to my patron, procured a -suit of new clothes for me on his own credit. - -"Not to trouble you with idle particulars, I carried my tragedy -to his lordship's lodgings, and sent it up along with Mr. Supple's -letter by one of his servants, who desired me, by his lord's order, -to return in a week. I did so, and was admitted to his lordship, -who received me very courteously, told me he had perused my play, -which he thought, on the whole, was the best coup d'essai he had -ever seen; but that he had marked some places in the margin, which -he imagined might be altered for the better. I was transported -with this reception, and promised (with many acknowledgments of -his lordship's generosity) to be governed solely by his advice and -direction." - -"Well, then," said he, "write another fair copy with the alterations -I have proposed, and bring it to me as soon as possible; for I am -resolved to have it brought on the stage this winter." You may be -sure I set about this task with alacrity; and although I found his -lordship's remarks much more numerous and of less importance than -I expected, I thought it was not my interest to dispute upon trifles -with my patron; therefore new modelled it according to his desire -in less than a month. - -"When I waited upon him with the manuscript, I found one of the -actors at breakfast with his lordship, who immediately introduced -him to my acquaintance, and desired him to read a scene of my play. -This task he performed very much to my satisfaction, with regard to -emphasis and pronunciation; but he signified his disgust at several -words in every page, which I presuming to defend, Lord Rattle told -me, with a peremptory look, I must not pretend to dispute with -him, who had been a player these twenty years, and understood the -economy of the stage better than any man living. I was forced to -submit; and his lordship proposed the same actor should read the -whole play in the evening, before some gentlemen of his acquaintance, -whom he would convene to his lodgings for that purpose. - -"I was present at the reading; and I protest to you, my dear -friend, I never underwent such a severe trial in the whole course -of my life at that juncture; for although the player might be a -very honest man and a good performer, he was excessively illiterate -and assuming, and made a thousand frivolous objections, which I was -not permitted to answer. However, the piece was very much applauded -on the whole; the gentlemen present, who, I understood, were men -of fortune, promised to countenance and support it as much as they -could; and Lord Rattle, assuring me that he would act the part of -a careful nurse to it, desired me to carry it home, and alter it -immediately according to their remarks. I was fain to acquiesce -in his determination, and fulfilled his injunctions with all the -expedition in my power; but, before I could present the new copy, -my good friend Mr. Supple had disposed of his property and patent -to one Mr. Brayer; so that fresh interest was to be made with -the new manager. This task Lord Rattle undertook, having some -acquaintance with him, and recommended my performance so strongly -that it was received. - -"I looked upon myself now as upon the eve of reaping the fruits -of all my labour. I waited a few days in expectation of its being -put in rehearsal, and wondering at the delay, applied to my worthy -patron, who excused Mr. Brayer on account of the multiplicity of -business in which he was involved, and bade me beware of teasing -the patentee. I treasured up this caution, and exerted my particular -three weeks longer; at the end of which his lordship gave me -to understand that Mr. Brayer had read my play, and owned it had -indubitable merit; but, as he had long been pre-engaged to another -author, he could not possibly represent it that season; though, -if I would reserve it for the next, and in the interim make such -alterations as he had proposed by observations on the margin, I -might depend upon his compliance. - -"Thunderstruck at this disappointment, I could not, for some minutes, -utter one syllable. At length, however, I complained bitterly of the -manager's insincerity in amusing me so long, when he knew from the -beginning that he could not gratify my desire. But his lordship -reprimanded me for my freedom, said Mr. Brayer was a man of -honour, and imputed his behaviour with respect to me nothing else -but forgetfulness. And indeed I have had some reason, since that -time, to be convinced of his bad memory; for, in spite of appearances, -I will not allow myself to interpret his conduct in any other way. -Lord Rattle observing me very much affected with my disappointment, -offered his interest to bring on my play at the other house, which -I eagerly accepting, he forthwith wrote a letter of recommendation -to Mr. Bellower, actor and prime minister to Mr. Vandal, proprietor -of that theatre, and desired me to deliver it with my tragedy, -without loss of time. Accordingly, I hastened to his house, where -after having waited a whole hour in the lobby, I was admitted -to his presence, and my performance received with great state. He -told me he was extremely busy at present, but he would peruse it -as soon as possible, and bade me to call again in a week. I took -my leave, not a little astonished at the pert and supercilious -behaviour of this stage player, who had not treated me with good -manners; and began to think the dignity of a poet greatly impaired -since the days of Euripides and Sophocles; but all this was nothing -in comparison of what I have since observed. - -"Well, Mr. Random, I went back at the appointed time, and was told -that Mr. Bellower was engaged, and could not see me, I repeated my -visit a few days after, and having waited a considerable time was -favoured with an audience, during which, he said, he had not as -yet read my play. Nettled at this usage, I could contain myself -no longer, but, telling him, I imagined he would have paid more -deference to Lord Rattle's recommendation, demanded my manuscript -with some expression of resentment. "Ay," said he in a theatrical -tone, "with all my heart." Then pulling out the drawer of the -bureau at which he sat, he took out a bundle, and threw it upon a -table that was near him, pronouncing the word, "There!" with great -disdain. I took it up, and perceiving with some surprise, that it -was a comedy, told him it did not belong to me; upon which he offered -another which I also disclaimed. A third was produced, and rejected -for the same reason. At length he pulled out a whole bundle, and -spread them before me, saying, "There are seven--take which you -please--or take them all." I singled out my own, and went away, -struck dumb with admiration at what I had seen--not so much on -account of his insolence, as of the number of new plays which from -this circumstance I concluded were yearly offered to the stage. -You may be sure, I did not fail to carry my complaint to my patron, -who did not receive it with all the indignation I expected; but -taxed me with precipitation, and told me I must lay my account with -bearing with the humours of the players, if I intended to write -for the stage. "There is now no other remedy," he said, "but to -keep it till the next season for Mr. Brayer, and alter it at your -leisure, in the summer, according to his directions." I was now -reduced to a terrible alternative, either to quit all hopes of my -tragedy, from which I had all along promised myself a large share -of fortune and reputation, or to encounter eight long months of -adversity in preparing for and expecting its appearance. This last -penance, painful as it was, seemed most eligible to my reflection -at that time, and therefore I resolved to undergo it. - -"Why should I tire you with particulars of my consequence? I wrestled -with extreme poverty until the time of my probation was expired; -and went to my Lord Rattle in order to remind him of my affair, -when I understood, to my great concern, that his lordship was just -on the point of going abroad, and which was still more unfortunate -for me, Mr. Brayer had gone into the country; so that my generous -patron had it not in his power to introduce me personally, as he -intended: however, he wrote a very strong letter to the manager in -my favour, and put him in mind of the promise he had made in behalf -of my play. - -"As soon as I was certified of Brayer's return, I went to his house -with this letter, but was told he was gone out. I called again -next day early in the morning, received the same answer, and was -desired to leave my name and business: I did so, and returned the -day after, when the servant still affirmed that his master was gone -abroad; though I perceived him, as I retired, observing me through -a window. Incensed at this discovery, I went to a coffee-house -hard by, and, inclosing his lordship's letter in one from myself, -demanded a categorical answer. I sent it to his house by a porter, -who returned in a few minutes, and told me Mr. Brayer would be glad -to see me at that instant. I obeyed the summons, and was received -with such profusion of compliments and apologies, that my resentment -immediately subsided, and I was even in pain for the concern which -this holiest man showed at the mistake of his servant, who, it seems, -had been ordered to deny him to everybody but me. He expressed the -utmost veneration for his good and noble friend, Lord Rattle, whom -he should always be proud to serve; promised to peruse the play with -all dispatch, and give me a meeting upon it: and, as a testimony -of his esteem, made me a present of a general order for the season, -by which I should be admitted to any part of the theatre. This was -a very agreeable compliment to ma, whose greatest pleasure consisted -in seeing dramatic performances, and you need not doubt that I -often availed myself of my privilege. As I had an opportunity of -being behind the scenes when I pleased, I frequently conversed with -Mr. Brayer about my play, and asked when he meant to put it into -rehearsal; but he had always so much business upon his hands, that -it remained with him unopened a considerable while; and I became -very uneasy about the season, that wasted apace, when I saw in the -papers another new play advertised, which had been written, offered, -accepted, and rehearsed, in the compass of three months. You may -easily guess how much I was confounded at this event! I own to you -that, in the first transports of my anger, I suspected Mr. Brayer -of having acted towards me in the most pitiful perfidious manner; -and was actually glad at his disappointment in the success of his -favourite piece, which, by the strength of art, lingered till the -third night, and then died in a deplorable manner. But now that -passion has no share in my reflection, I am willing to ascribe his -behaviour to his want of memory or want of judgment, which, you -know, are natural defects, that are more worthy of compassion than -reproach. - -"About this time I happened to be in company with a gentlewoman, -who, having heard of my tragedy, told me, she was well acquainted -with the wife of a gentleman who was very well known to a lady, -who had great interest with a person who was intimate with Earl -Sheerwit: and that, if I pleased, she would use her influence -in my behalf. As this nobleman had the character of a Maecenas -in the nation, and could stamp a value upon any work by his sole -countenance and approbation, I accepted her offer with eagerness, -in full confidence of seeing my reputation established, and my -wishes fulfilled in a very short time, provided that I should have -the good fortune to please his lordship's taste. I withdrew the -manuscript from the hands of Mr. Brayer, and committed it to the -care of this gentlewoman, who laboured so effectually in my interest, -that in less than a month it was conveyed to the earl, and in a few -weeks after, I had the satisfaction to hear that he had read and -approved it very much. Transported with this piece of intelligence, -I flattered myself with the hopes of his interesting himself in its -favour, but, hearing no more of this matter in three whole months, -I began (God forgive me!) to suspect the veracity of the person -who brought me the good tidings; for I thought it impossible that -a man of his rank and character, who knew the difficulty of writing -a good tragedy, and understood the dignity of the work, should read -and applaud an essay of this kind, without feeling an inclination -to befriend the author, whom his countenance alone could raise above -dependence. But it was not long before I found my friend very much -wronged by my opinion. - -"You must know, that the civilities I had received from Lord -Rattle, and the desire he manifested to promote the success of my -play, encouraged me to write an account of my bad fortune to his -lordship, who condescended so far as to desire, by letter, a young -squire of a great estate, with whom he was intimate, to espouse my -cause, and, in particular, make me acquainted with one Mr. Marmozet, -a celebrated player, who had lately appeared on the stage with -astonishing eclat, and bore such sway in the house where he acted, -that the managers durst not refuse anything he recommended. The -young gentleman, whom Lord Rattle had employed for this purpose, -being diffident of his own interest with Mr. Marmozet, had recourse -to a nobleman of his acquaintance, who, at his solicitation, was so -good as to introduce me to him; and the conversation turning upon -my performance, I was not a little surprised, as well as pleased, -to hear that Earl Sheerwit had spoken very much in its praise, -and even sent Mr. Marmozet the copy, with a message, expressing a -desire that he would act in it next season. Nor was this favourite -actor backward in commending the piece, which he mentioned with such -expressions of regard, that I do not choose to repeat: assuring me -that he would appear in it, provided he should be engaged to play -at all during the ensuing season. In the meantime, he desired I would -give him leave to peruse it in the country, whither he intended to -remove next day, that he might have leisure to consider and point -out such alterations as might, perhaps, be necessary for its -representation; and took my direction, that he might communicate -by letter the observations he should make. Trusting to these -assurances, and the interest which had been made in my behalf, I -hugged myself in the expectation of seeing it not only acted, but -acted to the greatest advantage, and this I thought could not fail -of recompensing me in ample manner for the anxiety and affliction -I had undergone; but six weeks being elapsed, I did not know how -to reconcile Mr. Marmozet's silence with his promise of writing -to me in ten days after he set out for the country; however, I was -at last favoured with a letter, importing that he had made some -remarks on my tragedy, which he would freely impart at meeting, -and advised me to put it, without loss of time, into the hands of -that manager, who had the best company; as he himself was quite -uncertain whether or not he should be engaged that winter. I was -a good deal alarmed at this last part of his letter, and advised -about it with a friend, who told me, it was a plain indication of -Mr. Marmozet's desire to get rid of his promise; that his pretended -uncertainty about acting next winter was no other than a scandalous -evasion; for, to his certain knowledge, he was already engaged, -or at least in terms, with Mr. Vandal; and that his design was to -disappoint me, in favour of a new comedy, which he had purchased -of the author, and intended to bring upon the stage for his own -advantage. - -"In short, my dear sir, this person, who, I must own, is if a -sanguine complexion, handled the moral character of Mr. Marmozet -with such severity, that I began to suspect him of some particular -prejudice, and put myself upon my guard against his insinuations. -I ought to crave pardon for this tedious narration of trivial -circumstances, which, however interesting they may be to me, must -certainly be very dry and insipid to the ear of one unconcerned in -the affair. But I understand the meaning of your looks, and will -proceed. - -"Well, sir, Mr. Marmozet, upon his return to town, treated me with -uncommon complaisance, and invited me to his lodgings, where he -proposed to communicate his remarks, which, I confess, were more -unfavourable than I expected; but I answered his objections, and, -as I thought, brought him over to my opinion; for, on the whole, -he signified the highest approbation of the performance. In the -course of our dispute, I was not a little surprised to find this -poor gentleman's memory so treacherous, as to let him forget what -he had said to me, before he went out of town, in regard to Earl -Sheerwit's opinion of my play, which he now professed himself -ignorant of; and I was extremely mortified at hearing from his own -mouth, that his interest with Mr. Vandal was so very low as to be -insufficient of itself to bring a new piece upon the stage. I then -begged his advice, and he counselled me to apply to Earl Sheerwit, -for a message in my favour to the manager, who would not presume -to refuse anything recommended by so great man; and he was so kind -as to promise to second this message with all his power. I had -immediate recourse to the worthy gentlewoman my friend, already -mentioned, who opened the channels of her conveyance with such -expedition, that in a few days I had a promise of the message, -provided I could assure myself of Mr. Vandal's being unengaged to -any other writer; for his lordship did not choose to condescend so -far, until he should understand that there was a probability (at -least) of succeeding; at the same time that blessed me with this -piece of news, I was startled at another, by the same channel -of communication; which was, that Mr. Marmozet, before he advised -me to this application, had informed the earl that he had read my -play, and found it altogether unfit for the stage. Though I could -not doubt the certainty of this intelligence, I believed there was -some inapprehension in the case; and, without taking any notice of -it, told Mr. Marmozet the answer I had been favoured with; and he -promised to ask Mr. Vandal the question proposed. I waited upon -him in a day or two, when he gave me to understand, that Mr. Vandal -having professed himself free of all engagements, he had put my play -into his hands, and represented it as a piece strongly recommended -by Earl Sheerwit, who (he assured him) would honour him with a -message in its favour; and he desired me to call for an answer at -Mr. Vandal's house in three days. I followed his directions, and -found the manager, who being made acquainted with my business, owned -that Mr. Marmozet had given him a manuscript play, but denied that -he had mentioned Earl Sheerwit's name. When I informed him of the -circumstances of the affair, he said, he had no engagement with -any author; that he would read my tragedy forthwith; and did not -believe he should venture to reject it in contradiction to his -lordship's opinion, for which he had the utmost veneration, but put -it into rehearsal without loss of time. I was so much intoxicated -with this encouragement, that I overlooked the mysterious conduct -of Mr. Marmozet, and attended the manager at the time appointed, -when, to my infinite confusion, he pronounced my play improper for -the stage, and rejected it accordingly. As soon as I could recollect -myself from the disorder into which this unexpected refusal had -thrown me, I expressed a desire of hearing his objections, which -were so groundless, indistinct, and unintelligible, that I persuaded -myself he had not at all perused the piece, but had been prompted -by somebody whose lessons he had not rightly retained. However, I -have been since informed that the poor man's head, which was not -naturally very clear, had been disordered with superstition, and -that he laboured under the tyranny of a wife, and the terrors of -hellfire at the same time. - -"Precipitated in this manner from the highest pinnacle of hope -to the abyss of despondence, I was ready to sink under the burden -of my affliction, and, in the bitterness of my anguish, could not -help entertaining some doubts of Mr. Marmozet's integrity, when I -recollected and compared the circumstances of his conduct towards -me. I was encouraged in this suspicion by being told that my Lord -Sheerwit had spoken of his character with great contempt: and, in -particular, resented his insolence in opposing his own taste to that -of his lordship, concerning my tragedy. While I hesitated between -different opinions of the matter, that friend, who (as I told you -before) was a little hot-headed, favoured me with a visit, and, -having heard a circumstantial account of the whole affair, could -not contain his indignation, but affirmed without ceremony that -Mr. Marmozet was the sole occasion of my disappointment; that he -acted from first to last with the most perfidious dissimulation, -cajoling me with insinuating civilities, while he underhand employed -all his art and influence to prejudice the ignorant manager against -my performance; that nothing could equal his hypocrisy but his -avarice, which engrossed the faculties of his soul so much, that -he scrupled not to be guilty of the meanest practices to gratify -that sordid appetite; that, in consequence of this disposition, -he had prostituted his honour in betraying my inexperience, and in -undermining the interest of another author of established reputation, -who had also offered a tragedy to the stage, which he thought -would interfere with the success of the comedy he had bought, and -determined to bring on at all events. - -"I was shocked at the description of such a monster, which I could -not believe existed in the world, bad as it is, and argued against -the asseverations of my friend, by demonstrating the bad policy of -such behaviour, which could not fail of entailing infamy upon the -author; and the small temptation that a man of Mr. Marmozet's figure -and success could have to consult his interest in such a grovelling -manner, which must create contempt and abhorrence of him in his -patrons, and effectually deprive him of the countenance and protection -he now enjoys in such an eminent degree. He pretended to laugh at -my simplicity, and asked, if I knew for which of his virtues he -was so much caressed by the people of fashion. "It is not," said -he, "for the qualities of his heart, that this little parasite is -invited to the tables of dukes and lords, who hire extraordinary -cooks for his entertainment. His avarice they see not, his ingratitude -they feel not, his hypocrisy accommodates itself to their humours, -and is of consequence pleasing; but he is chiefly courted for -his buffoonery, and will be admitted into the choicest parties of -quality for his talent of mimicking Punch and his wife Joan, when -a poet of the most excellent genius is not able to attract the least -regard." God forbid, Mr. Random, that I should credit assertions -that degrade the dignity of our superiors so much, and represent -the poor man as the most abject of all beings! No, I looked upon -them as the hyperboles of passion; and though that comedy of which -he spoke did actually appear, I dare not doubt the innocence of -Mr. Marmozet, who, I am told, is as much as ever in favour with -the earl; a circumstance that, surely, could not be, unless he had -vindicated his character to the satisfaction of his lordship. Pray -forgive this long digression, and give me the hearing a little -longer; for, thank heaven! I am now near the goal. - -"Baffled in all my attempts, I despaired of seeing my play acted; -and bethought myself of choosing some employment that might afford -a sure, though mean subsistence; but my landlord, to whom I was by -this time considerably indebted, and who had laid his account with -having his money paid all in a heap from the profits of my third -night, could not brook his disappointment, therefore made another -effort in my behalf, and, by dint of interest, procured a message -from a lady of fashion to Mr. Brayer, who had always professed -a great veneration for her, desiring that he would set up my play -forthwith, and assuring him that she and all her friends would support -it in the performance. To strengthen my interest, she engaged his -best actors in my cause; and, in short, exerted herself so much, -that it was again received, and my hopes began to revive. But -Mr. Brayer, honest man, was so much engrossed by business of vast -consequence, though to appearance he had nothing at all to do, -that he could not find time to read it until the season was pretty -far advanced; and read it he must, for notwithstanding his having -perused it before, his memory did not retain one circumstance of -the matter. - -"At length he favoured it with his attention, and having proposed -certain alterations, sent his duty to the lady who patronised it, -and promised, on his honour, to bring it on next winter, provided -these alterations should be made, and the copy delivered to him -before the end of April. With an aching heart, I submitted to these -conditions, and performed them accordingly: but fortune owed me -another unforeseen mortification; Mr. Marmozet, during the summer, -became joint patentee with Mr. Brayer, so that when I claimed -performance of articles, I was told he could do nothing without -the consent of his partner, who was pre-engaged to another author. - -"My condition was rendered desperate by the death of my good friend and -landlord, whose executors obtained a judgment against my effects, -which they seized, turned me out into the streets naked, friendless, -and forlorn: there I was arrested at the suit of my tailor, and -thrown into the prison, where I have made shift to live these five -weeks on the bounty of my fellow prisoners, who, I hope, are not -the worse for the instruction and good offices by which I manifest -my gratitude; but in spite of all their charitable endeavours, my -life was scarce tolerable, until your uncommon benevolence enabled -me to enjoy it with comfort." - - - - - -CHAPTER LXIV - - - - -I am seized with a deep Melancholy, and become a Sloven--am relieved -by my Uncle--he prevails upon me to engage with his Owners, as a -Surgeon of the Ship which he commands--he makes me a considerable -Present--entertain Strap as his steward--I take leave of my Friends, -and go on Board--the Ship arrives in the Downs - - -I shall not make any reflection on this story, in the course of -which the reader must perceive how egregiously the simplicity and -milky disposition of this worthy man had been duped and abused -by a set of scoundrels, who were so habituated to falsehood and -equivocation, that I verily believed they would have found the -utmost difficulty in uttering one syllable of truth, though their -lives had depended upon their sincerity. Notwithstanding all I had -suffered from the knavery and selfishness of mankind, I was amazed -and incensed by the base indifference which suffered such uncommon -merit as he possessed to languish in obscurity, and struggle with -all the miseries of a loathsome gaol; and should have blessed the -occasion that secluded me from such a perfidious world, had not the -remembrance of my amiable Narcissa preserved my attachment to a -society of which she constituted a part. The picture of that lovely -creature was the constant companion of my solitude. How often did -I contemplate the resemblance of those enchanting features that -first captivated my heart! how often did I weep over those endearing -scenes which her image recalled! and how often did I curse my -perfidious fate for having robbed me of the fair original! In vain -did my imagination flatter me with schemes of future happiness: -surly reason always interposed, and in a moment overthrew the -unsubstantial fabric, by chastising the extravagance of my hope, -and representing my unhappy situation in the right point of view. -In vain did I fly for refuge to the amusements of the place, and -engage in the parties of Jackson at cards, billiards, nine-pins, -and fives; a train of melancholy thoughts took possession of my -soul, which even the conversation of Melopoyn could not divert. -I ordered Strap to inquire every day at Banter's lodgings, in -expectation of hearing again from my charmer; and my disappointment -considerably, augmented my chagrin. My affectionate valet was -infected with my sorrow, and often sat with me whole hours without -speaking, uttering sigh for sigh, and shedding tear for tear. This -fellowship increased our distemper; he became incapable of business, -and was discarded by his master; while I, seeing my money melt away -without any certainty of deliverance, and, in short, all my hopes -frustrated, grew negligent of life, lost all appetite, and degenerated -into such a sloven. that during the space of three months I was -neither washed, shifted, nor shaved; so that my face, rendered -meagre with abstinence, was obscured with dirt, and overshadowed -with hair, and my whole appearance squalid and even frightful; -when, one day, Strap brought me notice, that there was a man below -who wanted to speak with me. Roused at this intelligence, and in -full hopes of receiving a letter from the dear object of my love, -I ran downstairs with the utmost precipitation. And found to my -infinite surprise my generous uncle, Mr. Bowling! Transported at -the sight, I sprang forward to embrace him. Upon which he started -aside with great agility, drew his hanger, and put himself upon -his guard, crying, "Avast, brother, avast! Sheer off. Yo ho! you -turnkey, why don't you keep a better look out? Here's one of your -crazy prisoners broke from his lashings, I suppose." I could not -help laughing heartily at his mistake; but this I soon rectified -by my voice, which he instantly recollected, and shook me by the -hand with great affection, testifying his concern at seeing me in -such a miserable condition. - -I conducted him to my apartment, where, in presence of Strap, -whom I introduced to him as one of my best friends, he gave me -to understand, that he was just arrived from the Coast Of Guinea, -after having made a pretty successful voyage, in which he had acted -as mate, until the ship was attacked by a French privateer, that -the captain being killed during the engagement, he had taken the -command, and was so fortunate as to sink the enemy; after which -exploit he fell in with a merchant ship from Martinico, laden -with sugar, indigo and some silver and by virtue of his letter of -marque, attacked, took, and carried her safe into Kinsale in Ireland, -where she was condemned as a lawful prize; by which means he had -not only got a pretty sum of money, but also acquired the favour -of his owners, who had already conferred upon him the command of a -large ship, mounted with twenty nine-pounders, ready to sail upon -a very advantageous voyage, which he was not at liberty to discover. -And he assured me that it was with the greatest difficulty he found -me, in consequence of a direction left for him at his lodgings at -Wapping. - -I was rejoiced beyond measure at this account of his good fortune; -and, at his desire, recounted all the adventures that had happened -to me since we parted. When he understood the particulars of Strap's -attachment to me, he squeezed his hand very cordially, and promised -to make a man of him; then, giving me ten guineas for my present -occasion, took a direction for the tailor who arrested me, and went -away in order to discharge the debt. telling me at parting, that -he would soon fetch up all my leeway with a wet sail. - -I was utterly confounded at this sudden transition, which affected -me more than any reverse I had formerly felt; and a crowd of -incoherent ideas rushed so impetuously upon my imagination, that my -reason could neither separate nor connect them; when Strap, whose -joy had manifested itself in a thousand fool-cries, came into my -room with his shaving utensils, and without any previous intimation, -began to lather my beard, whistling with great emotion all the -while. I started from my reverie, and, being too well acquainted -with Strap to trust myself in his hands while he was under such -agitation, desired to be excused, sent for another barber, and -suffered myself to be trimmed. Having performed the ceremony of -ablution, I shifted, and dressing in my gayest apparel, waited for -the return of my uncle, who was agreeably surprised at my sudden -transformation. - -This beneficent kinsman had satisfied my creditor, and obtained -an order for my discharge, so that I was no longer a prisoner; -but, as I had some reluctance to part with my friends and fellows -in distress, I prevailed upon Mr. Bowling to favour us with his -company, and invited Mr. Melopoyn and Jackson to spend the evening -at my apartment, where I regaled them with a supper, good wine, -and the news of my release, on which they heartily congratulated -me, notwithstanding the loss of my company, which, they were pleased -to say, they should severely feel. As for Jackson, his misfortune -made so little impression on himself, and he was altogether so -loose, indifferent, and indiscreet, that I could scarce pity his -situation: but I had conceived a veneration and friendship for -the poet, who was, in all respects, an object much more worthy of -compassion and regard. When our guests withdrew, and my uncle had -retired, with an intention of visiting me next morning, I made up -a bundle of some linen and other necessaries; and, bidding Strap -carry them to Mr. Melopoyn's lodgings, went thither myself, and -pressed it upon his acceptance, with five guineas, which, with -much difficulty, he received, assuring me at the same time, that -he should never have it in his power to make satisfaction. I then -asked if I could serve him in any other way; to which be answered, -"You have already done too much;" and, unable to contain the -emotions of his soul any longer, burst into tears, and wept aloud. -Moved at this spectacle, I left him to his repose, and, when -my uncle returned in the morning, represented his character in -such a favourable light, that the honest seaman was affected with -his distress, and determined to follow my example, in presenting -him with five pieces more; upon which, that I might save him some -confusion, I advised Mr. Bowling to inclose it in a letter to be -delivered by Strap, after we should be gone. - -This was accordingly done. I took a formal leave of all my -acquaintance in the gaol; and, just as I was about to step into a -hackney coach at the gate, Jackson calling me, I returned, and he -asked me in a whisper, if I could lend him a shilling! His demand -being so moderate, and in all likelihood the last he would make upon -me, I slipped a guinea into his hand, which he no sooner perceived, -than he cried, "O Jesus, a guinea!" then laying hold of a button -of my coat, broke out into laughter; and when his immoderate fit -of convulsion was ended, told me I was an honest fellow, and let me -go. The coachman was ordered to drive to Mr. Bowling's lodgings, -where, when we arrived, he entered into a serious discourse with -me, on the subject of my situation, and proposed that I should sail -with him in quality of his surgeon; in which case he would put me -in a method of getting a fortune in a few years by my own industry; -and assured me, that I might expect to inherit all that he should -die possessed of, provided I should survive him. Though I was penetrated -with a sense of his generosity, l was startled at a proposal that -offered violence to my love, and signified my sentiments on that -head, which he did not seem to relish; but observed that love -was the fruit of idleness, that when once I should be employed in -business, and my mind engaged in making money, I should be no more -troubled with these silly notions, which none but your fair-weathered -Jacks, who have nothing but their pleasure to mind, ought to -entertain. I was piqued at this insinuation, which I looked upon as -a reproach, and, without giving myself time to deliberate, accepted -his offer. He was overjoyed at my compliance, carried me immediately -to his chief owner, with whom a bargain was struck; so that then -I could not retract with honour, had I been ever so much averse to -the agreement. That I might not have time to cool, he bade me draw -out a list of medicines for a complement of five hundred men, adapted -to the distempers of hot climates. and sufficient for a voyage of -eighteen months; and carry it to a certain wholesale apothecary, who -would also provide me in two well-qualified mates. While I was thus -employed Strap came in, and looked very blank, when he understood -my resolution: however, after a pause of some minutes, he insisted -upon going along with me; and at my desire was made ship's steward -by Captain Bowling, who promised to be at the expense of fitting -him out, and to lend him two hundred pounds to purchase an adventure. - -When I had delivered my list of medicines, chosen a couple of my own -countrymen for mates, and bespoke a set of chirurgical instruments, -my uncle told me, that by his last voyage he had cleared almost -three thousand pounds, one-third of which he would immediately make -over and put into my hands; that he would procure for me credit -to the value of as much wore in such goods as would turn to best -account in the country to which we were bound; and that, although -he looked upon my interest as his own, he would keep the remaining -part of his fortune in his own disposal, with a view of preserving -his independence, and the power of punishing me, in case I should -not make a good use of what he had already bestowed. - -Without troubling the reader with an account of the effect which -this surprising generosity had upon my mind, I shall only say, that -his promises were instantly performed, and an invoice of merchandise -proper for the voyage presented to me, that I might purchase the -goods, and ship them with all expedition. In the midst of this -hurry, the remembrance of my charming Narcissa often interposed, -and made me the most miserable of all mortals. I was distracted with -the thought of being torn from her, perhaps for ever; and though -the hope of seeing her again might have supported me under the -torments of separation, I could not reflect upon the anguish she -must feel at parting with me, and the incessant sorrows to which -her tender bosom would be exposed during my absence, without being -pierced with the deepest affliction! As my imagination was daily -and nightly upon the rack to invent some method of mitigating -this cruel stroke, or at least of acquitting my love and honour in -the opinion of this gentle creature, I at length stumbled upon an -expedient, with which the reader will be made acquainted in due -time; and, in consequence of my determination, became less uneasy -and disturbed. - -My business being finished, and the ship really to sail, I resolved -to make my last appearance among my acquaintance at the other end -of the town, where I had not been since my imprisonment; and as I -had, by the advice of my uncle, taken off some very rich clothes -for sale, I put on the gayest suit in my possession, and went in -a chair to the coffee-house I used to frequent, where I found my -friend Banter so confounded at the magnificence of my dress, that, -when I made up to him, he gazed at me with a look of astonishment, -without being able, for some minutes, to open his lips; then pulling -me aside by the sleeve, and fixing his eyes on mine, accosted -me thus: "Random, where the devil have you been! eh? What is the -meaning of all this finery? Oho! I understand you. You are just -arrived from the country! what, the roads are good, eh? Well, -Random, you are a bold fellow, and a lucky fellow! but take care, -the pitcher goes often to the well, but is broke at last." So -saying, he pointed to his collar; by which gesture, and the broken -hints he had ejaculated, I found he suspected me of having robbed -on the highway; and I laughed very heartily at his supposition. -Without explaining myself any further, I told him be was mistaken -in his conjecture; that I had been for some time past with the -relation of whom he had frequently heard me speak; and that, as -I should set out next day upon my travels, I had come to take my -leave of my friends, and to receive of him the money he had borrowed -from me, which, now that I was going abroad, I should certainly -have occasion for. He was a little disconcerted at this demand; -but, recollecting himself in a moment, swore in an affected passion, -that I had used him extremely ill, and he would never forgive me -for having, by this short warning, put it out of his power to free -himself of an obligation he could no longer bear. I could not help -smiling at this pretended delicacy, which I commended highly, telling -him he needed not to be uneasy on that score, for I would give him -a direction to a merchant in the city, with whom I would leave a -discharge on the sum, to be delivered upon payment. He professed -much joy at this expedient, and with great eagerness asked the -person's name and place of abode, which he forthwith wrote in his -pocket-book, assuring me, that he should not be long in my debt. -This affair, which I knew he should never after think of, being -settled to his satisfaction, I sent cards to all my friends, desiring -the favour of their company at a tavern in the evening, when they -honoured my invitation, and I had the pleasure of treating them in -a very elegant manner, at which they expressed equal admiration as -applause. Having enjoyed ourselves till midnight, I took my leave -of them, and was well nigh stifled with caresses: next day, I set -out with Strap in a postchaise for Gravesend, where we went on -beard; and the wind serving, weighed anchor in less than twelve -hours. Without meeting with any accident, we reached the Downs, -where we were obliged to come to an anchor, and wait for an easterly -wind to carry us out of the Channel. - - - - - -CHAPTER LXV - - - - -I set out for Sussex--consult Mrs. Sagely--achieve an Interview -with Narcissa--return to the Ship--we get clear of the Channel--I -learn our Destination--we are chased by a large Ship--the company -are dismayed, and encouraged by the Captain's speech--our pursuer -happens to be an English Man of War--we arrive at the Coast of -Guinea, purchase four hundred Negroes--sail for Paraguay, get safe -into the River of Plate, and sell our Cargo to great Advantage - - -It was now I put in execution the scheme I had projected at London; -and asking leave of the captain for Strap and me to stay on shore -till the wind should become favourable, my request was granted, -because he had orders to remain in the Downs until he should receive -some dispatches from London, which he did not expect in less than -a week. Having imparted my resolution to my trusty valet, who (though -he endeavoured to dissuade me from such a rash undertaking) would -not quit me in the enterprise, I hired horses, and set out immediately -for that part of Sussex where my charmer was confined, which was -not above thirty miles distant from Deal, where we mounted. As I -was perfectly well acquainted with the extent of the squire's estate -and influence, I halted within five miles of his house, where we -remained till the twilight, at which time we set forward, and, by -the favour of a dark night, reached a copse about half-a-mile from -the village where Mrs. Sagely lived. Here we left our horses tied -to a tree, and went directly to the house of my old benefactress, -Strap trembling all the way, and venting ejaculatory petitions to -heaven for our safety. Her habitation being quite solitary, we arrived -at the door without being observed, when I ordered my companion. -to enter by himself; and, in case there should be company with her, -deliver a letter which I had writ for that purpose, and say that a -friend of hers in London, understanding that he intended to travel -this road, had committed it to his care. He rapped at the door, -to which the good old matron coming, told him that, being a lone -woman, he must excuse her, if she did not open it, until he had -declared his name and business. He answered, that his name was -unknown to her, and that his business was to deliver a letter, -which (to free her from all apprehension) he would convey to her -through the space between the door and threshold. This he instantly -performed: and she no sooner read the contents, which specified my -being present, than she cried, "If the person who wrote this letter -be at hand, let him speak, that I may be assured by his voice whether -or not I may safely admit him." I forthwith applied my mouth to the -keyhole, and pronounced, "Dear mother, you need not be afraid, it -is I, so much indebted to your goodness, who now crave admittance." -She knew my voice, and opening the door immediately, received me -with a truly maternal affection, manifesting, by the tears she let -fall, her concern lest I should be discovered, for she had been -informed of everything that had happened between Narcissa and me -from the dear captive's own mouth. When I explained the motive of -my journey, which was no other than a desire of seeing the object -of my love before I should quit the kingdom, that I might in person -convince her of the necessity I was under to leave her, reconcile -her to that event, by describing the advantages that in all -probability would attend it, repeat my vows of eternal constancy, -and enjoy the melancholy pleasure of a tender embrace at parting. -I say, when I had thus signified my intention, Mrs. Sagely told -me, that Narcissa, upon her return from Bath, had been so strictly -watched that nobody but one or two of the servants devoted to her -brother, was admitted to her presence, that afterwards she had been -a little enlarged, and was permitted to see company; during which -indulgence, she had been several times at the cottage; but of late -she had been betrayed by one of the servants, who discovered to the -squire, that he had once carried a letter from her to the post-house -directed to me; upon which information she was now more confined -than ever, and that I could have no chance of seeing her, unless -I would run the risk of getting into the garden, where she and her -maid were every day allowed to take the air, and lie hid until I -should have an opportunity of speaking to them--an adventure attended -with such danger, that no man in his right wits would attempt it. -This enterprise, hazardous as it was, I resolved to perform, in -spite of all the arguments of Mrs. Sagely, who reasoned, chid, and -entreated by turns; and the tears and prayers of Strap, who conjured -me on his knees, to have more regard to myself as well as to him, -than to attempt my own destruction in such a precipitate manner. -I was deaf to but the suggestions of my love; and ordering him to -return immediately with the horses to the inn from whence we set -out, and wait for my coming in that place, he at first peremptorily -refused to leave me, until I persuaded him, that if our horses -should remain where they were till daylight, they would certainly -be discovered, and the whole country alarmed. On this consideration, -he took his leave in a sorrowful plight, kissed my hand, and, -weeping, cried "God knows if ever I shall see you again." My kind -landlady, finding me obstinate, gave me her best advice how to -behave in the execution of my project: and after having persuaded -me to take a little refreshment, accommodated me with a bed, and -left me to my repose. Early in the morning I arose, and armed with -a couple of loaded pistols and a hanger, went to the back part -of the squire's garden, climbed over the wall, and, according to -Mrs. Sagely's direction, concealed myself in a thicket, hard by -an alcove that terminated a walk at a good distance from the house, -which (I was told) my mistress mostly frequented. Here I absconded -from five o'clock in the morning to six in the evening, without -seeing a human creature; at last I perceived two women approaching, -whom, by my throbbing heart, I soon recognised to be the adorable -Narcissa and Miss Williams. I felt the strongest agitation of soul -at the sight; and guessing, that they would repose themselves in the -alcove, stopped into it unperceived, and hid upon the stone table -a picture of myself in miniature, for which I had sat in London, -purposing to leave it with Narcissa before I should go abroad. I -exposed it in this manner, as an introduction to my own appearance, -which, without some previous intimation, I was afraid might have -an unlucky effect upon the delicate nerves of my fair enslaver; and -then withdrew into the thicket, where I could hear their discourse, -and suit myself to the circumstance of the occasion. As they -advanced, I observed an air of melancholy in the countenance of -Narcissa, blended with such unspeakable sweetness, that I could -scarce refrain from flying into her arms, and kissing away the -pearly drop that stood collected in each bewitching eye. According -to my expectation, she entered the alcove, and perceiving something -on the table, took it up. No sooner did she cast her eye upon the -features, than, startled at the resemblance, she cried, "Good God!" -and the roses instantly vanished from her cheeks. Her confidante, -alarmed at this exclamation, looked at the picture; and, struck with -the likeness, exclaimed, "Jesus! the very features of Mr. Random!" -Narcissa, having recollected herself a little, said, "Whatever -angel brought it hither as a comfort to me in my affliction, I am -thankful for the benefit, and will preserve it as the dearest object -of my care." So saying, she kissed it with surprising ardour, shed -a flood of tears, and then deposited the lifeless image in her lovely -bosom. Transported at these symptoms of her unaltered affection, I -was about to throw myself at her feet, when. Miss Williams, whose -reflection was less engaged than that of her mistress, observed -that the picture could not transport itself hither, and that she -could not help thinking I was not far off. The gentle Narcissa, -starting at this conjecture, answered, "Heaven forbid! for although -nothing in the universe could yield me satisfaction equal to that -of his presence for one poor moment, in a proper place, I would -rather forfeit his company--almost for ever, than see him here, -where his life would be exposed to so much danger." I could no -longer restrain the impulse of my passion, but, breaking from my -concealment, stood before her, when she uttered a fearful shriek, -and fainted in the arms of her companion. I flew towards the treasure -of my soul, clasped her in my embrace, and with the warmth of my -kisses, brought her again to life. Oh that I were endowed with the -expression of a Raphael, the graces of a Guido, the magic touches -of a Titian, that I might represent the fond concern, the chastened -rapture and ingenuous blush, that mingled on her beauteous face, -when she opened her eyes upon me, and pronounced, "O heavens! is -it you?" I am afraid I have already encroached upon the reader's -patience with the particulars of this amour, of which (I own) I -cannot help being impertinently circumstantial. I shall therefore -omit the less material passages of this interview, during which I -convinced her reason, though I could not appease the sad presages -of her love, with regard to the long voyage and dangers I must -undergo. When we had spent an hour (which was all she could spare -from the barbarity of her brother's vigilance) in lamenting over -our hard fate, and in repeating our reciprocal vows, Miss Williams -reminded us of the necessity there was for our immediate parting; -and, sure, lovers never parted with such sorrow and reluctance as -we. But because my words are incapable of doing. justice to this -affecting circumstance, I am obliged to draw a veil over it, and -observe, that I returned in the dark to the house of Mrs. Sagely, -who was overjoyed to hear of my success, and opposed the tumults -of my grief with such strength of reason, that my mind regained, in -some measure, its tranquillity; and that very night, after having -forced upon the good gentlewoman a purse of twenty guineas, as a -token of my gratitude and esteem, I took my leave of her, and set -out on foot for the inn, where my arrival freed honest Strap from -the horrors of unutterable dread. - -We took horse immediately, and alighted early next morning at Deal, -where I found my uncle in great concern on account of my absence, -because he had received his despatches, and must have weighed with -the first fair wind, whether I had been on board or not. Next day, -a brisk easterly gale springing up, we set sail, and in eight and -forty hours got clear of the Channel. - -When we were about two hundred leagues to westward of the Land's -End, the captain, taking me apart into the cabin, told me that, now -he was permitted by his instructions, he would disclose the intent -and destination of our voyage. "The ship," said he, "which has been -fitted out at a great expense, is bound for the coast of Guinea, -where we shall exchange part of our cargo for slaves and gold dust, -from whence we will transport our negroes to Buenos Ayres in New -Spain, where (by virtue of passports, obtained from our own court, -and that of Madrid) we will dispose of them and the goods that remain -on board for silver, by means of our supercargo, who is perfectly -well acquainted with the coast, the lingo, and inhabitants." Being -thus let into the secret of our expedition, I borrowed of the -supercargo a Spanish grammar, dictionary, and some other books -of the same language, which I studied with such application that, -before we arrived in New Spain, I could maintain a conversation -with him in that tongue. Being arrived in the warm latitudes, I -ordered (with the captain's consent) the whole ship's company to be -blooded and purged, myself undergoing the same evacuation, in order -to prevent those dangerous fevers to which northern constitutions -are subject in hot climates; and I have reason to believe, that -this precaution was not unserviceable, for we lost but one sailor -during our whole passage to the coast. - -One day, when we had been about five weeks at sea, we descried to -windward a large ship bearing down upon us with all the sail she -could carry. Upon which, my uncle ordered the studding-sails to be -hoisted and the ship to be cleared for engaging; but, finding that -(to use the seaman's phrase) we were very much wronged by the ship -which had us in chase, and by this time had hoisted French colours, -he commanded the studding-sails to be taken in, the courses to be -clowed up, the main topsail to be backed, the tompions to be taken -out of the guns, and every man to repair to his quarters. While -every body was busied in the performance of these orders, Strap came -upon the quarter-deck, trembling and looking aghast, and, with a -voice half-suppressed by fear, asked if I thought we were a match -for the vessel in pursuit of us. Observing his consternation, I -said, "What! are you afraid, Strap." "Afraid! (he replied); n-n-no; -what should I be afraid of? I thank God I have a clear conscience; -but I believe it will be a bloody battle, and I wish you may not -have occasion for another hand to assist you in the cockpit." I -immediately perceived his drift, and making the captain acquainted -with his situation, desired he might be stationed below with me and -my mates. My uncle, incensed at his pusillanimity, bade me send him -down instantly, that his fear might not infect the ship's company; -whereupon I told the poor steward that I had begged him for -my assistant, and desired him to go down and help my mates to get -ready the instruments and dressings. Notwithstanding the satisfaction -he must have felt at those tidings, he affected a shyness of quitting -the upper deck; and said, he hoped I did not imagine he was afraid -to do his duty above board; for he believed himself as well prepared -for death as any man in the ship, no disparagement to me or the -captain. I was disgusted at this affectation; and, in order to -punish his hypocrisy, assured him he might take his choice, either -of going down to the cockpit with me, or staying upon deck during -the engagement. Alarmed at this indifference, he replied, "Well, -to oblige you, I'll go down, but remember it is more for your sake -than my own." So saying, he disappeared in a twinkling, without -waiting for an answer. - -By this time, we could observe two tier of guns in the ship which -pursued us, and which was now but two short miles astern. This -discovery had an evident effect upon the sailors, who did not -scruple to say, that we should be torn to pieces, and blown out -of the water, and that, if in case any of them should lose their -precious limbs, they must go a begging for life, for there was -no provision made by the merchants for those poor souls who are -maimed in their service. The captain, understanding this, ordered -the crew abaft, and spoke to them thus: "My lads, I am told you -hang an a--se. I have gone to sea thirty years, a man and a boy, -and never saw English sailors afraid before. Mayhap you may think -I want to expose you for the lucre of gain. Whosoever thinks so, -thinks a d--ned lie, for my whole cargo is insured; so that, in -case I should be taken, my loss would not be great. The enemy is -stronger than we, to be sure. What then? have we not a chance for -carrying away one of her masts, and so get clear of her? If we find -her too hard for us, 'tis but striking at last. If any man is hurt -in the engagement, I promise on the word of an honest seaman, to -make him a recompense according to his loss. So now, you that are -lazy, lubberly, cowardly dogs, get away and skulk in the hold and -bread-room; and you, that are jolly boys, stand by me, and let us -give one broadside for the honour of Old England." This eloquent -harangue was so well adapted to the disposition of his hearers, -that one and all of them, pulling off their hats, waved them over -their heads, and saluted him with three cheers; upon which he -sent his boy for two large case-bottles of brandy: having treated -every man with a dram, they repaired to their quarters, and waited -impatiently for the word of command. I must do my uncle the justice -to say, that in the whole of his disposition, he behaved with the -utmost intrepidity, conduct, and deliberation. The enemy being -very near, he ordered me to my station, and was just going to give -the word for hoisting the colours, and firing, when the supposed -Frenchman hauled down his white pennant, jack, and ensign, hoisted -English ones, and fired a gun a-head of us. This was a joyful event -to Captain Bowling, who immediately showed his colours, and fired -a gun to leeward; upon which the other ship ran alongside of us, -hailed him, and, giving him to know that she was an English man-of-war -of forty guns, ordered him to hoist out his boat and come on board. -This command he obeyed with the more alacrity, because, upon inquiry, -he found that she was commanded by an old messmate of his, who was -overjoyed to see him, detained him to dinner, and sent his barge for -the supercargo and me, who were very much caressed on his account. -As this commander was destined to cruise upon the French in the -latitude of Martinico, his stem and quarters were adorned with white -fleurs-de-lis, and the whole shell of the ship so much disguised -for a decoy to the enemy, that it was no wonder my uncle did not -know her, although he had sailed on board of her many years. We -kept company with her four days, during which time the captains -were never asunder, and then parted, our course lying different -from hers. - -In less than fortnight after our separation, we made the land of -Guinea, near the mouth of the River Gambia; and trading along the -coast as far to the southward of the Line as Angola and Bengula, -in less than six months disposed of the greatest part of our cargo, -and purchased four hundred negroes, my adventure having been laid -out in gold dust. - -Our complement being made up, we took our departure from Cape Negroe, -and arrived in the Rio de la Plata in six weeks, having met with -nothing remarkable in our voyage, except an epidemic fever, not -unlike the jail distemper, which broke out among our slaves and -carried off a good many of the ship's company; among whom I lost -one of my mates, and poor Strap had well nigh given up the ghost. -Having produced our passport to the Spanish governor, we were -received with great courtesy, sold our slaves in a very few days, -and could have put off five times the number at our own price; though -we were obliged to smuggle the rest of our merchandise, consisting -of European bale-goods, which however we made shift to dispose of -at a great advantage. - - - - - -CHAPTER LXVI - - - - -I am invited to the Villa of a Spanish Don, where we went with an -English Gentleman, and make a very interesting discovery--we leave -Buenos Ayres, and arrive at Jamaica - - -Our ship being freed from the disagreeable lading of negroes, -to whom, indeed, I had been a miserable slave since our leaving -the coast of Guinea, I began to enjoy myself, and breathe with -pleasure the pure air of Paraguay, this part of which is reckoned -the Montpelier of South America, and has obtained, on account of -its climate, the name of Buenos Ayres. It was in this delicious -place that I gave myself entirely up to the thoughts of my dear -Narcissa, whose image still kept possession of my breast, and -whose charms, enhanced by absence, appeared to my imagination, if -possible, more engaging than ever! I calculated the profits of my -voyage, which even exceeded my expectation; resolved to purchase -sinecure upon my arrival in England, and if I should find the squire -as averse to me as ever, marry his sister by stealth; and in case -our family should increase, rely on the generosity of my uncle, -who was by this time worth a considerable sum. - -While I amused myself with these agreeable projects, and -the transporting thoughts of enjoying Narcissa, we were very much -caressed by the Spanish gentlemen, who frequently formed parties -of pleasure for our entertainment, in which we made excursions a -good way into the country. Among those who signalised themselves by -their civility to us, was one Don Antonio de Ribera, a very polite -young gentleman, with whom I had contracted an intimate friendship, -who invited us one day to his country house, and, as a further -inducement to our compliance, promised to procure for us the -company of an English Signor, who had been settled in those parts -many years. and acquired the love and esteem of the whole province -by his affability, good sense, and honourable behaviour. - -We accepted his invitation, and set out for his villa, where we -had not been longer than an hour, when the person arrived in whose -favour I had been so much prepossessed. He was a tall man, remarkably -well shaped, of a fine mieu and appearance, commanding respect, -and seemed to be turned of forty; the features of his face were -saddened with a reserve and gravity, which in other countries would -have been thought the effect of melancholy; but here appeared to -have been contracted by his commerce with the Spaniards, who are -remarkable for that severity of countenance. Understanding from Don -Antonio that we were his countrymen, he saluted us all round very -complacently, and fixing his eyes attentively on me, uttered a deep -sigh. I had been struck with a profound veneration for him at his -first coming into the room; and no sooner observed this expression -of his sorrow, directed, as it were, in a particular manner to me, -that my heart took part in his grief; I sympathised involuntarily -and sighed in my turn. Having asked leave of our entertainer, he -accosted us in English, professed his satisfaction at seeing so many -of his countrymen in such a remote place, and asked the captain, -who went by the name of Signor Thoma, from what part of Britain -he had sailed and whither he was bound. My uncle told him that we -had sailed from the River Thames, and were bound for the same plane -by the way of Jamaica, where we intended to take in a lading of -sugar. - -Having satisfied himself in these and other particulars about the -state of the war, he gave us to understand, that he had a longing -desire to revisit his native country, in consequence of which he -had already transmitted to Europe the greatest part of his fortune -in neutral bottoms, and would willingly embark the rest of it with -himself in our ship, provided the captain had no objection to such -a passenger. My uncle very prudently replied, that for his part he -should be glad of his company, if he could procure the consent of -the governor, without which he durst not take him on board, whatever -inclination he had to oblige him. The gentleman approved of his -discretion, and telling him that there would be no difficulty in -obtaining the connivance of the governor, who was his good friend, -shifted the conversation to another subject. - -I was overjoyed to hear his intention, and already interested myself -so much in his favour that, had he been disappointed, I should have -been very unhappy. In the course of our entertainment, he eyed me -with uncommon attachment, I felt a surprising attraction towards -him; when he spoke, I listened with attention and reverence; the -dignity of his deportment filled me with affection and awe; and, -in short, the emotions of my soul, in presence of this stranger, -were strong and unaccountable. - -Having spent the best part of the day with us, he took his leave, -telling Captain Thoma, that he should hear from him in a short time. -He was no sooner gone than I asked a thousand questions about him -of Don Antonio, who could give me no other satisfaction than that -his name was Don Rodrigo, that be had lived fifteen or sixteen -years in these parts, was reputed rich, and supposed to have been -unfortunate in his younger years, because he was observed to nourish -a pensive melancholy, even from the time of his first settlement -among them; but that nobody had ventured to inquire into the cause -of his sorrow, in consideration of his peace, which might suffer -in the recapitulation of his misfortunes. - -I was seized with an irresistible desire of knowing the particulars -of his fate, and enjoyed not an hour of repose during the whole -night, by reason of the eager conceptions that inspired me with -regard to his story, which I resolved (if possible) to learn. Next -morning, while we were at breakfast, three mules, richly caparisoned, -arrived with a message from Don Rodrigo, desiring our company, -and that of Don Antonio, at his house, which was situated about ten -miles further up in the country. I was pleased with this invitation, -in consequence of which we mounted the mules which he had provided for -us, and alighted at his house before noon. Here we were splendidly -entertained by the generous stranger, who still seemed to show a -particular regard for me, and after dinner made me a present of a -ring, set with a beautiful amethyst, the production of that country, -saying, at the same time, that he was once blessed with a son, who, -had he lived, would have been nearly of my age. This observation, -delivered with a profound sigh, made my heart throb with violence: -a crowd of confused ideas rushed upon my imagination, which, while -I endeavoured to unravel, my uncle perceived my absence of thought, -and tapping me on the shoulder, said, "Oons, are you asleep, Rory?" -Before I had time to reply, Don Rodrigo, with uncommon eagerness -of voice and look, pronounced, "Pray, captain, what is the -young gentleman's name?" "His name," said my uncle, "is Roderick -Random." "Gracious Powers! " cried the stranger, starting up-"And -his mother's?" "His mother," answered the captain, amazed, "was -called Charlotte Bowling." "O bounteous Heaven!" exclaimed Don -Rodrigo, springing across the table, and clasping me in his arms, -"my son! my son! have I found thee again? do I hold thee in my -embrace, after having lost and despaired of seeing thee so long?" -So saying, he fell upon my neck, and wept aloud with joy; while -the power of nature operating strongly in my breast. I was lost in -rapture, and while he pressed me to his heart, let fall a shower -of tears in his bosom. His utterance was choked up a good while by -the agitation of his soul; at length he broke out into "Mysterious -Providence!--O my dear Charlotte, there yet remains a pledge of -our love! and such a pledge!--so found! O infinite Goodness, let -me adore thy all-wise decrees!" Having thus expressed himself, he -kneeled upon the floor, lifted up his eyes and hands to heaven, and -remained some minutes in silent ecstacy of devotion. I put myself -in the same posture, adored the all-good Dispenser in a prayer of -mental thanksgiving: and when his ejaculation was ended, did homage -to my father, and craved his paternal blessing. He hugged me again -with unutterable fondness, and having implored the protection of -Heaven upon my head, raised me from the ground, and presented me -as his son to the company, who wept in concert over this affecting -scene. Among the rest, my uncle did not fail to discover the -goodness and joy of his heart. Albeit unused to the melting mood, -he blubbered with great tenderness, and wringing my father's hand, -cried, "Brother Random, I'm rejoiced to see you--God be praised -for this happy meeting!" Don Rodrigo, understanding that he was -his brother-in-law, embraced him affectionately, saying, "Are you -my Charlotte's brother? Alas! unhappy Charlotte! but why should I -repine? we shall meet again, never more to part! Brother, you are -truly welcome. Dear son, I am transported with unspeakable joy! This -day is a jubilee--my friends and servants shall share my satisfaction." - -While he dispatched messengers to the gentlemen in the neighbourhood, -to announce this event, and gave orders for a grand entertainment, -I was so much affected with the tumults of passion, which assailed -me on this great, sudden, and unexpected occasion, that I fell sick, -fevered, and in less than three hours became quite delirious: so -that the preparations were countermanded, and the joy of the family -converted into grief and despair. Physicians were instantly called, -I was plentifully blooded in the foot, my lower extremities were -bathed in a decoction of salutiferous herbs: in ten hours after -I was taken ill I enjoyed a critical sweat, and next day felt the -remains of the distemper, but an agreeable lassitude, which did -not hinder me from getting up. During the progress of this fever, -which, from the term or its duration, is called ephemera, my father -never once quitted my bedside, but administered the prescriptions -of the physicians with the most pious care; while Captain Bowling -manifested his concern by the like attendance. I no sooner found -myself delivered from this disease, than I bethought myself of my -honest friend Strap; and resolving to make him happy forthwith in -the knowledge of my good fortune, told my father in general, that -I had been infinitely obliged to this faithful adherent, and begged -he would indulge me so far as to send for him, without letting him -know my happiness, until he could receive an account of it from my -own mouth. - -My request was instantly complied with, and a messenger with a spare -mule despatched to the ship, carrying orders from the captain to -the mate, to send the steward by the bearer. My health being, in the -meantime, re-established, and my mind composed I began to relish -this important turn of my fortune, in reflecting upon the advantages -with which it must be attended; and, as the idea of my lovely -Narcissa always joined itself to every scene of happiness I could -imagine, I entertained myself now with the prospect of possessing -her in that distinguished sphere to which she was entitled by her -birth and qualifications. Having often mentioned her name while -I was deprived of my senses, my father guessed that there was an -intimate connection between us, and discovering the picture which -hung in my bosom by ribbon, did not doubt that it was the resemblance -of my amiable mistress. In this belief he was confirmed by my uncle, -who told him that it was the picture of a young woman, to whom I -was under promise of marriage. Alarmed at this piece of information, -Don Rodrigo took the first opportunity of questioning me about the -particulars of this affair, which when I had candidly recounted, -he approved of my passion, and promised to contribute all in his -power towards its success. Though I never doubted his generosity, -I was transported on this occasion, and throwing myself at his -feet, told him, he had now completed my happiness, for, without -the possession or Narcissa I should be miserable among all the -pleasures of life. He raised me with a smile of paternal fondness; -said he knew what it was to be in love; and observed that, if he had -been as tenderly beloved by his father as I was by mine, he should -not now perhaps have cause--Here he was interrupted by a sigh, the -tear rushed into his eye, suppressed the dictates of his grief, and -the time being opportune, desired me to relate the passages of my -life, which my uncle had told him were manifold and surprising. I -recounted the most material circumstances of my fortune, to which -he listened with wonder and attention, manifesting from time to -time the different emotions which my different situations may be -supposed to have raised in a parent's breast; and, when my detail -was ended, blessed God for the adversity I had undergone, which, -he said, enlarged the understanding, improved the heart, steeled -the constitution, and qualified a young man for all the duties and -enjoyments of life much better than any education which affluence -could bestow. - -When I had thus satisfied his curiosity, I discovered an inclination -to hear the particulars of his story, which he gratified by beginning -with his marriage, and proceeded to the day of his disappearing, -as I have related in the first part of my memoirs. "Careless of -life," continued he, " and unable to live in a place where every -object recalled the memory of my dear Charlotte, whom I had lost -through the barbarity of an unnatural parent, I took my leave of -you, my child, then an infant, with a heart full of unutterable -woe, but little suspecting that my father's unkindness would have -descended to my innocent orphan; and setting out alone at midnight -for the nearest seaport, early next morning got on board a ship, -bound, as I had heard, for France; and, bargaining with the master -for my passage, bade a long adieu to my native country, and put -to sea with the first fair wind. The place of our destination was -Granville, but we had the misfortune to run upon a ridge of rocks -near the Island of Alderney, called the Caskets, where the sea -running high, the ship went to pieces, the boat sunk alongside, and -every soul on board perished, except myself, who, by the assistance -of a grating got ashore on the coast of Normandy. I went directly -to Caen, where I was so lucky as to meet with a count, whom I had -formerly known in my travels; with this gentleman I set out for -Paris, where I was recommended by him and other friends, as tutor -to a young nobleman, whom I accompanied to the court of Spain. -There we remained a whole year, at the end of which my pupil being -recalled by his father, I quitted my office, and stayed behind, -by the advice of a certain Spanish grandee, who took me into his -protection, and introduced me to another nobleman, who was afterwards -created viceroy of Peru. He insisted on my attending, him to his -government of the Indies, where, however, by reason of my religion, -it was not in his power to make my fortune any other way than by -encouraging me to trade, which I had not long prosecuted when my -patron died, and I found myself in the midst of strangers, without -one friend to support or protect me. Urged by this consideration, -I sold my effects, and removed to this country, the governor -of which, having been appointed by the viceroy, was my intimate -acquaintance. Here has heaven prospered my endeavours, during -a residence of sixteen years, in which my tranquillity was never -invaded but by the remembrance of your mother, whose death I have -in secret mourned without ceasing, and the reflection of you, whose -fate I could never learn notwithstanding all my inquiries by means -of my friends in France, who, after the most strict examination, -could give me no other account than that you went abroad six years -ago, and was never after heard of. I could not rest satisfied with -this imperfect information, and, though my hope of finding you was -but languid, resolved to go in quest of you in person; for which -purpose, I have remitted to Holland the value of twenty thousand -pounds, and am in possession of fifteen thousand more, with which -I intended to embark myself on board of Captain Bowling, before -I discovered this amazing stroke of Providence, which, you may be -sure, has not altered my intention." - -My father, having entertained us with this agreeable sketch of -his life, withdrew, in order to relieve Don Antonio, who, in his -absence, had done the honours of his house; and I was just dressed -for my appearance among the guests, when Strap arrived from the -ship. - -He no sooner entered the grand apartment in which I was, and saw the -magnificence of my apparel, than his speech was lost in amazement, -and he gaped in silence at the objects that surrounded him. I took -him by the hand, observed that I had sent for him to be a witness -and sharer of my happiness, and told him I had found a father. At -these words he started, and, after having continued some minutes -with his mouth and eyes wide open, cried, "Ah!--odd, I know what! -go thy ways, poor Narcissa, and go thy ways somebody else--well--Lord, -what a thing is love! God help us! are all our mad pranks and -protestations come to this? And have you fixed your habitation in -this distant land? God prosper you--I find we must part at last--for -I would not leave my poor carcase so far from my native home, for -all the wealth of the universe!" With these ejaculations, he began -to sob and make wry faces; upon which I assured him of his mistake, -both in regard to my staying in Paraguay, and informed him, as -briefly as I could, of the great event that had happened. Never was -rapture more ludicrously expressed than in the behaviour of this -worthy creature, who cried, laughed, whistled, sung, and danced, -all in a breath. His transport was scarce over, when my father -entered, who no sooner understood that this was Strap, than he took -him by the hand, saying, "Is this the honest man who befriended you -so much in your distress? You are welcome to my house, and I will -soon put it in the power of my son to reward you for your good -offices in his behalf; in the meantime go with us and partake of -the repast that is provided." Strap, wild as he was with joy, would -by no means accept of the proffered honour, crying, "God forbid! I -know my distance--your worship shall excuse me." And Don Rodrigo, -finding his modesty invincible, recommended him to his major-domo, -to be treated with the utmost respect; while he carried me in -a large saloon, where I was presented to a numerous company, who -loaded me with compliments and caresses, and congratulated my father -in terms not proper for me to repeat. - -Without specifying the particulars of our entertainment, let it -suffice to say, it was at the same time elegant and sumptuous, and -the rejoicings lasted two days; after which, Don Rodrigo settled -his affairs, converted his effects into silver and gold, visited and -took leave of all his friends, who were grieved at his departure, -and honoured me with considerable presents; and, coming on board -of my uncle's ship, with the first fair wind we sailed from the -Rio de la Plata, and in two months came safe to an anchor in the -harbour of Kingston, in the Island of Jamaica. - - - - - -CHAPTER LXVII - - - - -I visit my old Friend Thompson--we set sail for Europe--meet with -an odd Adventure--arrive in England--I ride across the Country -from Portsmouth to Sussex--converse with Mrs. Sagely, who informs -me of Narcissa's being in London--in consequence of this Intelligence, -I proceed to Canterbury--meet with my old friend Morgan--arrive in -London--visit Narcissa--introduce my Father to be--he is charmed -with her good sense and beauty--we come to a Determination of -demanding her Brother's Consent to our Marriage - - -I inquired, as soon as I got ashore, about my generous companion, -Mr. Thompson, and hearing that he lived in a flourishing condition -upon the estate left him by his wife's father, who had been dead some -years, I took horse immediately, with the consent of Don Rodrigo, -who had heard me mention him with great regard, and in a few hours -reached the place of his habitation. - -I should much wrong the delicacy of Mr. Thompson's sentiments to -say barely he was glad to see me: he felt all that the most sensible -and disinterested friendship could feel on this occasion, introduced -me to his wife, a very amiable young lady, who had already blessed -him with two fine children, and being as yet ignorant of my -circumstances, frankly offered me the assistance of his purse and -interest. I thanked him for his generous intention, and made him -acquainted with my situation, on which he congratulated me with -great joy, and, after I had stayed with him a whole day and night, -accompanied me back to Kingston, to wait upon my father, whom he -invited to his house. Don Rodrigo complied with his request, and, -having been handsomely entertained during the space of a week, -returned extremely well satisfied with the behaviour of my friend -and his lady, to whom, at parting, he presented a very valuable -diamond ring, as a token of his esteem. During the course of -my conversation with Mr. Thompson, he gave me to understand, that -his old commander Captain Oakum was dead some months, and that, -immediately after his death, a discovery had been made of some -valuable effects that he had feloniously secreted out of a prize -by the assistance of Dr. Mackshane, who was now actually in prison -on that account, and, being destitute of friends, subsisted solely -on the charity of my friend, whose bounty he had implored in the -most abject manner, after having been the barbarous occasion of -driving him to that terrible extremity on board of The Thunder, -which we have formerly related. Whatsoever this wretch had been -guilty of, I applauded Mr. Thompson's generosity towards him in -his distress, which wrought so much upon me also, that I sent him -ten pistoles, in such a private manner that he could never know -his benefactor. - -While my father and I were caressed among the gentlemen on shore, -Captain Bowling had written to his owners, by the packet, which -sailed a few days after our arrival, signifying his prosperous voyage -hitherto, and desiring them to insure his ship and cargo homeward -bound: after which precaution he applied himself so heartily to the -task of loading his ship that, with the assistance of Mr. Thompson, -she was full in less than six weeks. This kind gentleman likewise -procured for Don Rodrigo bills upon London for the greatest part -of his gold and silver, by which means it was secured against the -risk of the seas and the enemy; and, before we sailed, supplied -us with such large quantities of all kinds of stock, that not only -we, but the ship's company, fared sumptuously during the voyage. - -Everything being ready, we took our leave of our kind entertainers, -and, going on board at Port Royal, set sail for England on the -first day of June. We beat up to windward, with fine easy weather, -and one night believing ourselves near Cape Tiberon, lay to, with -an intention to wood and water next morning in the bay. While we -remained in this situation, a sailor, having drunk more new rum -than he could carry, staggered over board, and, notwithstanding all -the means that could be used to preserve him, went to the bottom, -and disappeared. About two hours after this melancholy accident -happened, as I enjoyed the cool air on the quarter-deck, I heard -a voice rising, as it were, out of the sea and calling, "Ho, the -ship ahoy!" Upon which one of the men upon the forecastle cried, -"I'll be d--n'd if that an't Jack Marlinspike, who went overboard!" -Not a little surprised at this event, I jumped into the boat that -lay alongside, with the second mate and four men, and rowing towards -the place from whence the voice (which repeated the hail) seemed -to proceed, we perceived something floating upon the water. When -we had rowed a little further, we discerned it to be a man riding -upon a hencoop, who, seeing us approach, pronounced with a hoarse -voice, "D--n your bloods! why did you not answer when I hailed?" -Our mate, who was a veritable seaman, hearing his salute, said, -"By G--, my lads, this is none of our man. This is the devil--pull -away for the ship." The fellows obeyed his command without question, -and were already some fathoms on our return, when I when I insisted -on their taking up the poor creature, and prevailed upon them to -go back to the wreck, which when we came near the second time, and -signified our intention, we received an answer of "Avast, avast--what -ship, brother?" Being satisfied in this particular, he cried, "D--n -the ship, I was in hopes it had been my own--where are you bound?" -We satisfied his curiosity in this particular too; upon which -he suffered himself to be taken on board, and, after having been -comforted with a dram, told us, he belonged to the Vesuvio man-of-war, -upon a cruise off the island of Hispaniola; that he had fallen -overboard four-and-twenty hours ago, and the ship being under sail, -they did not choose to bring to, but tossed a hencoop overboard -for his convenience, upon which he was in good hopes of reaching -the Cape next morning: howsomever, he was as well content to be -aboard of us because he did not doubt that we should meet his ship, -and if he had gone ashore in the bay, he might have been taken -prisoner by the French. My uncle and father were very much diverted -with the account of this fellow's unconcerned behaviour; and in two -days, meeting with the Vesuvio, as he expected, sent him on board -of her, according to his desire. - -Having beat up successfully the windward passage, we stretched to -the northward, and falling in with a westerly wind, in eight weeks -arrived in the soundings, and in two days after made for the Lizard. -It is impossible to express the joy I felt at the sight of English -ground! Don Rodrigo was not unmoved, and Strap shed tears of -gladness. The sailors profited by our satisfaction, the shoe that -was nailed to the mast being quite filled with our liberality. -My uncle resolved to run up into the Downs at once, but the wind -shifting when we were abreast of the Isle of Wight, he was obliged -to turn into St. Helen's, and come to Spithead, to the great -mortification of the crew, thirty of whom were immediately pressed -on board a man-of-war. - -My father and I went ashore immediately at Portsmouth, leaving -Strap with the captain to go round with the ship and take care of -our effects; and I discovered so much impatience to see my charming -Narcissa, that my father permitted me to ride across the country -to her brother's house; while he should hire a post-chaise for -London, where he would wait for me at a place to which I directed -him. - -Fired with all the eagerness of passion, I took post that very -night, and in the morning reached an inn about three miles from the -squire's habitation; here I remained till next morning, allaying -the torture of my impatience with the rapturous hope of seeing -that divine creature after an absence of eighteen months, which, -far from impairing, had raised my love to the most exalted pitch! -Neither were my reflections free from apprehensions: that something -intervened in spite of all my hope, and represented her as having -yielded to the importunity of her brother and blessed the arms -of a happy rival. My thoughts were even maddened with the fear of -her death; and, when I arrived in the dark at the house of Mrs. -Sagely, I had not for some time courage to desire admittance, lest -my soul should be shocked with dismal tidings. At length, however, -I knocked, and no sooner certified the good gentlewoman of my voice -than she opened the door, and received me with the most affectionate -embrace, that brought tears into her aged eyes: "For heaven's sake, -dear mother," cried I, "tell me bow is Narcissa? is she the same -that I left her?" She blessed my ears with saying, "She is as -beautiful, in as good health, and as much yours as ever." Transported -at this assurance, I begged to know if I could not see her that -very night, when this sage matron gave me to understand that my -mistress was in London, and that things were strangely altered in -the squire's house since my departure; that he had been married a -whole year to Melinda, who at first found means to wean his attention -so much from Narcissa, that he became quite careless of that lovely -sister, comforting himself with the clause in his father's will, -by which she should forfeit her fortune, by marrying without his -consent: that my mistress, being but indifferently treated by her -sister-in-law, had made use of her freedom some months ago, and gone -to town, where she was lodged with Miss Williams, in expectation -of my arrival; and had been pestered with the addresses of Lord -Quiverwit, who, finding her heart engaged, had fallen upon a great -many shifts to persuade her that I was dead; but, finding all his -artifices unsuccessful, and despairing of gaining her affection, -he had consoled himself for her indifference, by marrying another -lady some weeks ago, who had already left him on account of some -family uneasiness. Besides this interesting information, she told -me there was not a great deal of harmony between Melinda and the -squire, who was so much disgusted at the number of gallants who -continued to hover about her even after her marriage, that he had -hurried her down into the country, much against her own inclination, -where their mutual animosities had risen to such a height, that -they preserved no decency before company or servants, but abused -one another in the grossest terms. - -This good old gentlewoman, to give me a convincing proof of my dear -Narcissa's unalterable love, gratified me with a sight of the last -letter she had favoured her with, in which I was mentioned with so -much honour, tenderness, and concern, that my soul was fired with -impatience, and I determined to ride all night, that I might have it -the sooner in my power to make her happy. Mrs. Sagely, perceiving -my eagerness, and her maternal affection being equally divided between -Narcissa and me, begged leave to remind me of the sentiments with -which I went abroad, that would not permit me for any selfish -gratification to prejudice the fortune of that amiable young lady, -who must entirely depend upon me, after having bestowed herself -in marriage. I thanked her for her kind concern, and as briefly as -possible described my flourishing situation, which afforded this -humane person infinite wonder and satisfaction. I told her, that -now I had an opportunity to manifest my gratitude for the many -obligations I owed, I would endeavour to make her old age comfortable -and easy; as a step to which I proposed she should come and live with -Narcissa and me. This venerable gentlewoman was so much affected -with my words, that the tears ran down her ancient cheeks; she -thanked heaven that I had not belied the presages she had made, -on her first acquaintance with me; acknowledging my generosity, -as she called it, in the most elegant and I pathetic expressions; -but declined my proposal, on account of her attachment to the dear -melancholy cottage where she had so peacefully consumed her solitary -widowhood. Finding her immovable on this subject, I insisted on her -accepting a present of thirty guineas, and took my leave, resolving -to accommodate her with the same sum annually, for the more -comfortable support of the infirmities of old age. - -Having rode all night, I found myself at Canterbury in the morning, -where I alighted to procure fresh horses; and, as I walked into -the inn, perceived an apothecary's on the other side of the street, -with the name of Morgan over the door; alarmed at this discovery, -I could not help thinking that my old messmate had settled in this -place, and upon inquiry found my conjecture true, and that he was -married lately to a widow in that city, by whom he had got three -thousand pounds. Rejoiced at this intelligence, I went to his shop -as soon as it was open, and found my friend behind the counter, -busy in preparing a clyster. I saluted him at entrance, with, "Your -servant, Mr. Morgan." Upon which he looked at me, and replying, -"Your most humble servant, good sir," rubbed his ingredients in the -mortar without any emotion. "What," said I, "Morgan, have you forgot -your old messmate?" At these words he looked up again, and starting, -cried, "As Cot is my--sure it cannot--yes, by my salfation, I pelieve -it is my dear friend Mr. Rantom." He was no sooner convinced of my -identity, than he threw down the pestle, overset the mortar, and -jumping over the board, swept up the contents with his clothes, -flew about my neck, hugged me affectionately, and daubed me all -over with turpentine and the yolks of eggs which he had been mixing -when I came in. Our mutual congratulations being over, he told -me, that he found himself a widower upon his return from the West -Indies; that he had got interest to be appointed surgeon of a -man-of-war, in which capacity he had served some years, until he -married an apothecary's widow, with whom he now enjoyed a pretty -good sum of money, peace, and quiet, and an indifferent good trade. -He was very desirous of hearing my adventures, which I assured him -I had not time to relate, but told him in general, my circumstances -were very good, and that I hoped to see him when I should not be -in such a hurry as at present. He insisted, however, on my staying -breakfast, and introduced me to his wife, who seemed to be a decent -sensible woman, pretty well stricken in years. In the course of -our conversation, he showed the sleeve-buttons I had exchanged with -him at our parting in the West Indies, and was not a little proud -to see that I had preserved his with the same care. When I informed -him of Mackshane's condition, he seemed at first to exult over his -distress; but, after a little recollection, said, "Well, he has paid -for his malice; I forgife him, and may Cot forgife him likewise." -He expressed great concern for the soul of Captain Oakum, which he -believed was now gnashing its teeth; but it was some time before I -could convince him of Thompson's being alive, at whose good fortune, -nevertheless, he was extremely glad. - -Having renewed our protestations of friendship, I bade the honest -Welshman and his spouse farewell, and, taking post-horses, arrived -at London that same night, where I found my father in good health, -to whom I imparted what I had learned of Narcissa. This indulgent -parent approved of my intention of marrying her, even without fortune, -provided her brother's consent could not be obtained; promised to -make over to me in a few days a sufficiency to maintain her in a -fashionable manner and expressed a desire of seeing this amiable -creature, who had captivated me so much. As I had not slept the night -before, and was besides fatigued with my journey, I found myself -under a necessity of taking some repose, and went to bed accordingly: -next morning, about ten o'clock, took a chair, and according to Mrs. -Sagely's directions, went to my charmer's lodgings, and inquired -for Miss Williams. I had not waited in the parlour longer than a -minute, when this young woman entered, and no sooner perceived me, -than she shrieked and ran backward: but I got between her and the -door, and clasping her in my arms, brought her to herself with an -embrace. "Good heaven," cried she, "Mr. Random, is it you indeed? -My mistress will run distracted with joy." I told her, it was from -an apprehension that my sudden appearance might have had some bad -effect on my dear Narcissa, that I had desired to see her first, in -order to concert some method of acquainting her mistress gradually -with my arrival. She approved of my conduct, and, after having -yielded to the suggestions of her own friendship, in asking if my -voyage had been successful, charged herself with that office, and -left me glowing with desire of seeing and embracing the object -of my love. In a very little time I heard some body coming down -the stairs in haste, and the voice of my angel pronounce, with an -eager tone, "O heaven! is it possible! where is he?" How were my -faculties aroused at this well known sound! and how was my soul -transported when she broke in upon my view in all the bloom of -ripened beauty! Grace was in all her steps, heaven in her eye, in -every gesture dignity and love! You, whose souls are susceptible -of the most delicate impressions, whose tender bosoms have felt -the affecting vicissitudes of love, who have suffered an absence of -eighteen long months from the dear object of your hope, and found -at your return the melting fair as kind and constant as your -heart can wish, do me justice on this occasion, and conceive what -unutterable rapture possessed us both, while we flew into each -other's arms! This was no time for speech: locked in a mutual -embrace, we continued some minutes in a silent trance of joy! -When I thus encircled all my soul held dear--while I hung over her -beauties--beheld her eyes sparkle, and. every feature flush with -virtuous fondness--when I saw her enchanting bosom heave with -undissembled rapture, and knew myself the happy cause--heavens! what -was my situation! I am tempted to commit my paper to the flames, -and to renounce my pen for ever, because its most ardent and lucky -expression so poorly describes the emotions of my soul. "O adorable -Narcissa!" cried I, "O miracle of beauty, love and truth! I at -last fold thee in my arms! I at last can call thee mine! No jealous -brother shall thwart our happiness again; fortune hath at length -recompensed me for all my sufferings, and enabled me to do justice -to my love." The dear creature smiled ineffably charmingly, and, -with a look of bewitching tenderness, said, "and shall we never art -again?" "Never," I replied, "thou wondrous pattern of all earthly -perfection! never, until death shall divide us! By this ambrosial -kiss, a thousand times more fragrant than the breeze that sweeps -the orange grove, I never more will leave thee!" - -As my first transport abated, my passion grew turbulent and unruly. -I was giddy with standing on the brink of bliss, and all my virtue -and philosophy were scarce sufficient to restrain the inordinate -sallies of desire. Narcissa perceived the conflict within me, -and with her usual dignity of prudence, called off my imagination -from the object in view, and with eager expressions of interested -curiosity, desired to know the particulars of my voyage. In this -I gratified her inclination, bringing my story down to the present -hour. She was infinitely surprised at the circumstance of finding -my father, which brought tears into her lovely eyes. She was transported -at hearing that approved of my flame, discovered a longing desire -of being introduced to him, congratulated herself and me upon my -good fortune, and observed, that this great and unexpected stroke -of fate seemed to have been brought about by the immediate direction -of Providence. Having entertained ourselves some hours with the -genuine effusions of our souls, I obtained her consent to complete -my happiness as soon as my father should judge it proper; and, applying -with my own hands a valuable necklace, composed of diamonds and -amethysts set alternately, which an old Spanish lady at Paraguay -had presented me with, I took my leave, promising to return in the -afternoon with Don Rodrigo. When I went home, this generous parent -inquired very affectionately about the health of my dear Narcissa, -to whom, that I might be the more agreeable, he put into my hand -a deed, by which I found myself in possession of fifteen thousand -pounds, exclusive of the profits of my own merchandise, which -amounted to three thousand more. After dinner I accompanied him to -the lodgings of my mistress, who, being dressed for the occasion, -made a most dazzling appearance. I could perceive him struck with -her figure, which I really think was the most beautiful that ever -was created under the sun. He embraced her tenderly, and told -her he was proud of having a son who had spirit to attempt, and -qualifications to engage the affections of such a fine lady. She -blushed at this compliment, and, with eyes full of the softest -lauguishment turned upon me, said, she should have been unworthy -of Mr. Random's attention, had she been blind to his extraordinary -merit. I made no other answer than a low bow. My father, sighing, -pronounced, "Such was once my Charlotte;" while the tear rushed -into his eye, and the tender heart of Narcissa manifested itself -in two precious drops of sympathy, which, but for his presence, -I would have kissed away. Without repeating the particulars of -our conversation, I shall only observe, that Don Rodrigo was as -much charmed with her good sense as with her appearance, and she -was no less pleased with his understanding and polite address. It -was determined that he should write to the squire, signifying his -approbation of my passion for his sister, and offering a settlement, -which he should have no reason to reject; and that, if he should -refuse the proposal, we would crown our mutual wishes without any -further regard to his will. - - - - - -CHAPTER LXVIII - - - - -My Father makes a present to Narcissa--the Letter is dispatched to -her Brother--I appear among my Acquaintance--Banter's Behaviour--the -Squire refuses his Consent--my Uncle comes to Town--approves of -my Choice--I am married--we meet the Squire and his Lady at the -Play--our Acquaintance is courted - - -After having spent the evening to the satisfaction of all present, -my father addressed himself thus to Narcissa. "Madam, give me -leave to consider you hereafter as my daughter, in which capacity -I insist upon your accepting this first instance of my paternal -duty and affection." With these words he put into her hand a bank -note of five hundred pounds, which she no sooner examined, than -with a low courtesy she replied. "Dear sir, though I have not the -least occasion for this supply, I have too great a veneration for -you to refuse this proof of your generosity and esteem, which I -the more freely receive, because I already look upon Mr. Random's -interest as inseparably connected with mine." He was extremely well -pleased with her frank and ingenuous reply, upon which we saluted, -and wished her good night. The letter, at my request, was dispatched -to Sussex by an express, and in the meantime, Don Rodrigo, to -grace my nuptials, hired a ready furnished house, and set up a very -handsome equipage. - -Though I passed the greatest part of the day with the darling of my -soul, I found leisure sometimes to be among my former acquaintance, -who were astonished at the magnificence of my appearance. Banter -in particular was confounded at the vicissitudes of my fortune, -the causes of which he endeavoured in vain to discover, until I -thought fit to disclose the whole secret of my last voyage, partly -in consideration of our former intimacy, and partly to prevent -unfavourable conjectures, which he and others, in all probability, -would have made in regard to my circumstances. He professed great -satisfaction at this piece of news; and I had no cause to believe -him insincere, when I considered that he would now look upon himself -as acquitted of the debt he owed me, and at the same time flatter -himself with the hopes of borrowing more. I carried him home to dinner -with me, and my father liked his conversation so much, that, upon -hearing his difficulties, he desired me to accommodate him for the -present, and inquire, if he would accept of a commission in the -army, towards the purchase of which he should willingly lend him -money. Accordingly, I gave my friend an opportunity of being alone -with me, when, as I expected, he told me that he was just on the -point of being reconciled to an old rich uncle, whose heir he was, -but wanted a few pieces for immediate expense, which he desired -I would lend him and take my bond for the whole. His demand was -limited to ten guineas; and when I put twenty in his hand, he stared -at me for some moments; then, putting it into his purse, "Ay,--'tis -all one--you shall have the whole in a very short time." When I -had taken his note, to save the expense of a bond, I expressed some -surprise that a fellow of his spirit should loiter away his time -in idleness, and, asked why he did not choose to make his fortune -in the army. "What," said he, "throw away money upon a subaltern's -commission, and be under the command of a parcel of scoundrels, -who have raised themselves above me by the most infamous practices. -No, I love independency too well to sacrifice my life, health, and -pleasure, for such a pitiful consideration." Finding him adverse to -this way of life, I changed the subject, and returned to Don Rodrigo, -who had just received the following epistle from the squire: - - "Sir,--Concerning a letter which I received, subscribed R. - Random, this is the answer. As for you, I know nothing of you. - Your son, or pretended son, I have seen; if he marries my - sister, at his peril be it; I do declare that he shall not - have one farthing of her fortune, which becomes my property, - if she takes a husband without my consent. Your settlement, - I do believe, is all a sham, and yourself no better than - you should be; but if you had all the wealth of the Indies, - your son shall never match in our family with the consent of - "Orson Topehall" - -My father was not much surprised at this polite letter, after having -heard the character of the author; and as for me, I was even pleased -at his refusal, because I had now an opportunity of showing my -disinterested love. By his permission I waited on my charmer: and -having imparted the contents of her brother's letter, at which she -wept bitterly, in spite of all my consolation and caresses, the time -of our marriage was fixed two days. During this interval, in which -my soul was wound up to the last stretch of rapturous expectation, -Narcissa endeavoured to reconcile some of her relations in town to -her marriage with me; but, finding them all deaf to her remonstrances, -either out of envy or prejudice, she told me with the most enchanting -sweetness, while the tears bedewed her lovely cheeks, "Sure the -world will no longer question your generosity when you take a poor -forlorn beggar to your arms?" Affected with her sorrow, I pressed -the fair mourner to my breast, and swore that she was more dear -and welcome on that account, because she had sacrificed her friends -and fortune to her love for me. My uncle, for whose character she -had a great veneration, being by this time come to town, I introduced him -to my bride; and, although he was not very much subject to refined -sensations, he was struck dumb with admiration at her beauty. -After having kissed and gazed at her for some time, he turned to -me, saying. "Odds bobs, Rory! a notable prize indeed, finely built -and gloriously rigged, i'faith! If she an't well manned when you -take the command of her, sirrah, you deserve to go to sea in a -cockle shell. No offence, I hope, niece! you must not mind what -I say, being (as the saying is) a plain seafaring man, thof mayhap -I have as much regard for you as another." She received him with -great civility, told him she had longed a great while to see a -person to whom she was so much indebted for his generosity to Mr. -Random; that she looked upon him as her uncle, by which name she -begged leave to call him for the future; and that she was very -sure he could say nothing that would give her the least offence. -The honest captain was transported at her courteous behaviour, and -insisted upon giving her away at the ceremony, swearing that he -loved her as well as if she was his own child, and that he would -give two thousand guineas to the first fruit of our love, as soon -as it would squeak. Everything being settled for the solemnisation -of our nuptials, which were to be performed privately at my father's -house, the auspicious hour arrived, when Don Rodrigo and my uncle -went in the coach to fetch the bride and Miss Williams: leaving me -with a parson, Banter, and Strap, neither of whom had as yet seen -my charming mistress. My faithful valet, who was on the rack of -impatience to behold a lady of whom he had heard so much, no sooner -understood that the coach was returned, than he placed himself at -a window, to have a peep at her as she alighted; and, when he saw -her, clapped his hands together, turned up the white of his eyes, -and, with his mouth wide open, remained in a sort of ecstacy, which -broke out into "O Dea certe! qualis in Eurotae ripis, aut per juga -Cynthi exercet Diana choros?" The doctor and Banter were surprised -to hear my man speak Latin; but when my father led Narcissa into the -room, the object of their admiration was soon changed, as appeared -in the countenances of both. Indeed, they must have been the most -insensible of all beings, could they have beheld without emotion -the divine creature that approached! She was dressed in a sack of -white satin, embroidered on the breast with gold, the crown of her -head was covered with a small French cap, from whence descended her -beautiful hair in ringlets that waved upon her snowy neck, which -dignified the necklace I bad given her; her looks glowed with modesty -and love; and her bosom, through the veil of gauze that shaded it, -afforded a prospect of Elysium! I received this inestimable gift -of Providence as became me; and in a little time the clergyman did -his office, my uncle, at his own earnest request, acting the part -of a father to my dear Narcissa, who trembled very much, and had -scarce spirits sufficient to support her under this great change of -situation. Soon as she was mine by the laws or heaven and earth, -I printed a burning kiss upon her lips; my father embraced her -tenderly, my uncle hugged her with great affection, and I presented -her to my friend Banter, who saluted her in a very polite manner; -Miss Williams hung round her neck, and went plentifully; while Strap -fell upon his knees, and begged to kiss his lady's hand, which she -presented with great affability. I shall not pretend to describe -my own feelings at this juncture; let it suffice to say that having -supped and entertained ourselves till ten o'clock, I cautioned my -Narcissa against exposing her health by sitting up too late, and -she was prevailed upon to withdraw with her maid to an apartment -destined for us. When she left the room, her face overspread with -a blush that set all my blood in a state of fermentation, and made -every pulse beat with tenfold vigour! She was so cruel as to let -me remain in this condition a full half-hour: when, no longer able -to restrain my impatience, I broke from the company, burst into her -chamber, pushed out her confidante, and locked the door, and found -her--O heaven and earth!--a feast a thousand times more delicious -than my most sanguine hopes presaged! But, let me not profane the -chaste mysteries of Hymen. I was the happiest of men! - -In the morning I was awaked by three or four drums, which Banter -had placed under the window; upon which I withdrew the curtain, -and enjoyed the unspeakable satisfaction of contemplating those -angelic charms which were now in my possession! Beauty! which, -whether sleeping or awake, shot forth peculiar graces! The light -darting upon my Narcissa's eyes, she awoke also, and recollecting -her situation, hid her blushes in my bosom. I was distracted with -joy! I could not believe the evidence of my senses, and looked upon -all that had happened as the fictions of a dream! In the meantime -my uncle knocked at the door, and bade me turn out, for I had had -a long spell. I rose accordingly, and sent Miss Williams to her -mistress, myself receiving the congratulation of Captain Bowling, -who rallied me in his sea phrase with great success. In less than -an hour, Don Rodrigo led my wife into breakfast, where she received -the compliments of the company on her looks, which, they said, if -possible, were improved by matrimony. As her delicate ears were -offended with none of those indecent ambiguities which are too -often spoken on such occasions, she behaved with dignity, unaffected -modesty, and ease; and, as a testimony of my affection and esteem, -I presented her, in presence of them all, with a deed, by which I -settled the whole fortune I was possessed of on her and her heirs -for ever. She accepted it with a glance of most tender acknowledgment, -observed, that she could not be surprised at anything of this kind -I should do, and desired my father to take the trouble of keeping -it, saying, "Next to my own Mr. Random, you are the person in whom -I ought to have the greatest confidence." Charmed with her prudent -and ingenuous manner of proceeding, he took the paper, and assured -her that it should not lose its value while in his custody. - -As we had not many visits to give and receive, the little time we -stayed in town was spent in going to public diversions, where I -have the vanity to think Narcissa was seldom eclipsed. One night, -in particular, we sent our footman to keep one of the stage boxes, -which we no sooner entered, than we perceived in the opposite -box the squire and his lady, who seemed not a little surprised at -seeing us. I was pleased at this opportunity of confronting them; -the more, because Melinda was robbed of all her admirers by my wife, -who happened that night to outshine her sister both in beauty and -dress. She was piqued at Narcissa's victory, tossed her head a -thousand different ways, flirted her fan, looked at us with disdain, -then whispered to her husband, and broke out into an affected -giggle; but all her arts proved ineffectual, either to discompose -Mrs. Random, or to conceal her own mortification, which at length -forced her away long before the play was done. The news of our -marriage being spread, with many circumstances to our disadvantage, -by the industry of this malignant creature, a certain set of persons -fond of scandal began to inquire into the particulars of my fortune, -which they no sooner understood to be independent, than the tables -were turned, and our acquaintance was courted as much as it had been -despised before: but she had too much dignity of pride to encourage -this change of conduct, especially in her relations, whom she could -never be prevailed upon to see, after the malicious reports they -had raised to her prejudice. - - - - - -CHAPTER LXIX - - - - -My father intends to revisit the Place of his Nativity--we propose to -accompany him--my Uncle renews his will in my favour, determining to -go to sea again--we set out for Scotland--arrive at Edinburgh--purchase -our paternal Estate--proceed to it--halt at the Town where -I was educated--take up my bond to Crab--the Behaviour of Potion -and his Wife, and one of our Female Cousins--our Reception at the -Estate--Strap marries Miss Williams, and is settled by my Father -to his own satisfaction--I am more and more happy. - - -My father intending to revisit his native country, and pay the tribute -of a few tears at my mother's grave, Narcissa and I resolved to -accompany him in the execution of his pious office, and accordingly -prepared for the journey, in which, however, my uncle would -not engage, being resolved to try his fortune once more at sea. -In the meantime he renewed his will in favour of my wife and me, -and deposited it in the hands of his brother-in-law: while I (that -I might not be wanting to my own interest) summoned the squire -to produce his father's will at Doctors' Commons, and employed a -proctor to manage the affair in my absence. - -Everything being thus settled, we took leave of all our friends -in London, and set out for Scotland, Don Rodrigo, Narcissa, Miss -Williams, and I, in the coach, and Strap, with two men in livery, -on horseback; as we made easy stages, my charmer held it out very -well, till we arrived at Edinburgh, where we proposed to rest -ourselves some weeks. - -Here Don Rodrigo having intelligence that the foxhunter had spoilt -his estate, which was to be exposed to sale by public auction, he -determined to make a purchase of the spot where he was born, and -actually bought all the land that belonged to his father. - -In a few days after this bargain was made, we left Edinburgh, in -order to go and take possession; and by the way halted one night -in that town where I was educated. Upon inquiry, I found that Mr. -Crab was dead; whereupon I sent for his executor, paid the sum I -owed with interest, and took up my bond. Mr. Potion and his wife, -hearing of my arrival, had the assurance to come to the inn. -where we lodged, and send up their names, with the desire of being -permitted to pay their respects to my father and me: but their -sordid behaviour towards me, when I was an orphan, had made too -deep an impression on my mind to be effaced by this mean mercenary -piece of condescension: I therefore rejected their message with -disdain, and bade Strap tell them, that my father and I desired to -have no communication with such low-minded wretches as they were. - -They had not been gone half-an-hour, when a woman, without any -ceremony, opened the door of the room where we sat, and, making -towards my father, accosted him with, "Uncle, your servant--I am -glad to see you." This was no other than one of my female cousins, -mentioned in the first part of my memoirs, to whom Don Rodrigo -replied, "Pray, who are you, madam?" "Oh!" cried she, "my cousin -Rory there knows me very well. Don't you remember me, Rory?" "Yes, -madam," said I; "for my own part, I shall never forget you. Sir, -this is one of the young ladies, who (as I have formerly told you) -treated me so humanely in my childhood!" When I pronounced these -words, my father's resentment glowed in his visage, and he ordered -her to be gone, with such a commanding aspect, that she retired in -a fright, muttering curses as she went downstairs. We afterwards -learned that she was married to an ensign, who had already spent all -her fortune; and that her sister had borne a child to her mother's -footman, who is now her husband, and keeps a petty alehouse in the -country. - -The fame of our flourishing condition having arrived at this place -before us, we got notice that the magistrates intended next day to -compliment us with the freedom of their town; upon which my father, -considering their complaisance in the right point of view, ordered -the horses to the coach early in the morning. - -We proceeded to our estate, which lay about twenty miles from this -place; and, when we came within half-a-league of the house, were met -by a prodigious number of poor tenants, men, women, and children, -who testified their joy by loud acclamations, and accompanied our -coach to the gate. As there is no part of the world in which the -peasants are more attached to their lords than in Scotland, we were -almost devoured by their affections. My father had always been -their favourite, and now that he appeared their master, after having -been thought dead so long, their joy broke out into a thousand -extravagances. When we entered the court yard, we were surrounded -by a vast number, who crowded together so closely to see us that -several were in danger of being squeezed to death; those who were -near Don Rodrigo fell upon their knees, and kissed his hand, or the -hem of his garment, praying aloud for long life and prosperity to -him; others approached Narcissa and me in the same manner; while -the rest clapped their hands at a distance, and invoked heaven to -shower its choicest blessings on our heads! In short, the whole -scene, though rude, was so affecting, that the gentle partner of -my heart wept over it, and my father himself could not refrain from -a dropping a tear. - -Having welcomed his daughter and me to his house, he ordered some -bullocks to be killed, and some hogsheads of ale to be brought -from the neighbouring village, to regale these honest people, who -had not enjoyed such a holiday for many years before. - -Next day we were visited by the gentlemen in the neighbourhood, -most of them our relations, one of whom brought along my cousin, -the foxhunter, who had stayed at his house since he was obliged to -leave his own! My father was generous enough to receive him kindly, -and even promised to purchase for him a commission in the army, -for which he expressed great thankfulness and joy. - -My charming Narcissa was universally admired and loved for her -beauty, affability, and good sense; and so well pleased with the -situation of the place, and the company round, that she has not as -yet discovered the least desire of changing her habitation. - -We had not been many days settled, when I prevailed upon my father -to pay a visit to the village where I had been at school. Here -we were received by the principal inhabitants, who entertained us -in the church, where Mr. Syntax the schoolmaster (my tyrant being -dead) pronounced a Latin oration in honour of our family. And none -exerted themselves more than Strap's father and relations, who -looked upon the honest valet as the first gentleman of their race, -and honoured his benefactors accordingly. Having received the homage -of this place, we retired, leaving forty pounds for the benefit of -the poor of the parish; and that very night, Strap being a little -elevated with the regard that had been shown to him, and to me on -his account, ventured to tell me, that he had a sneaking kindness for -Miss Williams, and that, if his lady and I would use our interest -in his behalf, he did not doubt that she would listen to his addresses. -Surprised at this proposal, I asked if he knew the story of that -unfortunate young gentlewoman; upon which he replied, "Yes, yes, -I know what you mean--she has been unhappy, I grant you--but what -of that? I am convinced of her reformation; or else you and my good -lady would not treat her with such respect. As for the censure of -the world, I value it not a fig's end--besides, the world knows -nothing of the matter." I commended his philosophy, and interested -Narcissa in his cause; who interceded so effectually, that in a -little time Miss Williams yielded her consent, and they were marred -at the approbation of Don Rodrigo, who gave him five hundred pounds -to stock a farm, and made him overseer of his estate. My generous -bedfellow gave her maid the same sum; so that they live in great -peace and plenty within half-a-mile of us, and daily put up prayers -for our preservation. - -If there be such a thing as true happiness on earth, I enjoy it. -The impetuous transports of my passion are now settled and mellowed -into endearing fondness and tranquillity of love, rooted by that -intimate connection and interchange of hearts which nought but -virtuous wedlock can produce. Fortune seems determined to make -ample amends for her former cruelty, for my proctor writes that, -notwithstanding the clause in my father-in-law's will, on which -the squire founds his claim, I shall certainly recover my wife's -fortune, in consequence of a codicil annexed, which explains that -clause, and limits her restriction to the age of nineteen, after -which she was at her own disposal. I would have set out for London -immediately after receiving this piece of intelligence, but my -dear angel has been qualmish of late, and begins to grow remarkably -round in the waist; so that I cannot leave her in such an interesting -situation, which I hope will produce something to crown my felicity. - - -End of The Project Gutenberg Etext of The Adventures of Roderick Random -by Tobias Smollett - |