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diff --git a/old/thdvn10.txt b/old/thdvn10.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..03cdaaf --- /dev/null +++ b/old/thdvn10.txt @@ -0,0 +1,32288 @@ +The Project Gutenberg Etext of The Adventures of Peregrine Pickle +by Tobias Smollett +(#3 in our series by Tobias Smollett) + +Copyright laws are changing all over the world, be sure to check the +copyright laws for your country before posting these files! + +Please take a look at the important information in this header. +We encourage you to keep this file on your own disk, keeping an +electronic path open for the next readers. + +Please do not remove this. + +This should be the first thing seen when anyone opens the book. +Do not change or edit it without written permission. 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He was the son of a merchant in London, who, +like Rome, from small beginnings had raised himself to the highest +honours of the city, and acquired a plentiful fortune, though, to +his infinite regret, he died before it amounted to a plum, conjuring +his son, as he respected the last injunction of a parent, to imitate +his industry, and adhere to his maxims, until he should have made +up the deficiency, which was a sum considerably less than fifteen +thousand pounds. + +This pathetic remonstrance had the desired effect upon his +representative, who spared no pains to fulfil the request of the +deceased: but exerted all the capacity with which nature had endowed +him, in a series of efforts, which, however, did not succeed; for +by the time he bad been fifteen years in trade, he found himself five +thousand pounds worse than he was when he first took possession of +his father's effects; a circumstance that affected him so nearly, +as to detach his inclinations from business, and induce him to retire +from the world to some place where he might at leisure deplore his +misfortunes, and, by frugality, secure himself from want, and the +apprehensions of a jail, with which his imagination was incessantly +haunted. He was often heard to express his fears of coming upon +the parish; and to bless God, that, on account of his having been +so long a housekeeper, he was entitled to that provision. In short, +his talents were not naturally active, and there was a sort of +inconsistency in his character; for, with all the desire of amassing +which any citizen could possibly entertain, he was encumbered +by a certain indolence and sluggishness that prevailed over every +interested consideration, and even hindered him from profiting by +that singleness of apprehension, and moderation of appetites, which +have so frequently conduced to the acquisition of immense fortunes; +qualities which he possessed in a very remarkable degree. Nature, +in all probability, had mixed little or nothing inflammable in +his composition; or, whatever seeds of excess she might have sown +within him, were effectually stifled and destroyed by the austerity +of his education. + +The sallies of his youth, far from being inordinate or criminal, never +exceeded the bounds of that decent jollity which an extraordinary +pot, on extraordinary occasions, may be supposed to have produced +in a club of sedate book-keepers, whose imaginations were neither +very warm nor luxuriant. Little subject to refined sensations, he +was scarce ever disturbed with violent emotions of any kind. The +passion of love never interrupted his tranquility; and if, as Mr. +Creech says, after Horace, + + Not to admire is all the art I know; + To make men happy, and to keep them so; + +Mr. Pickle was undoubtedly possessed of that invaluable secret; +at least, he was never known to betray the faintest symptom of +transport, except one evening at the club, where he observed, with +some demonstrations of vivacity, that he had dined upon a delicate +loin of veal. + +Notwithstanding this appearance of phlegm, he could not help feeling +his disappointments in trade; and upon the failure of a certain +underwriter, by which he lost five hundred pounds, declared his +design of relinquishing business, and retiring to the country. In +this resolution he was comforted and encouraged by his only sister, +Mrs. Grizzle, who had managed his family since the death of his +father, and was now in the thirtieth year of her maidenhood, with +a fortune of five thousand pounds, and a large stock of economy +and devotion. + +These qualifications, one would think, might have been the means +of abridging the term of her celibacy, as she never expressed any +aversion to wedlock; but, it seems, she was too delicate in her +choice, to find a mate to her inclination in the city: for I cannot +suppose that she remained so long unsolicited; though the charms of +her person were not altogether enchanting, nor her manner over and +above agreeable. Exclusive of a very wan (not to call it sallow) +complexion, which, perhaps, was the effects of her virginity +and mortification, she had a cast in her eyes that was not at all +engaging; and such an extent of mouth, as no art or affectation +could contract into any proportionable dimension; then her piety +was rather peevish than resigned, and did not in the least diminish +a certain stateliness in her demeanour and conversation, that +delighted in communicating the importance and honour of her family, +which, by the bye, was not to be traced two generations back by +all the power of heraldry or tradition. + +She seemed to have renounced all the ideas she had acquired +before her father served the office of sheriff; and the eye which +regulated the dates of all her observation, was the mayoralty of +her papa. Nay, so solicitous was this good lady for the support +and propagation of the family name, that, suppressing every selfish +motive, she actually prevailed upon her brother to combat with +his own disposition, and even surmount it so far, as to declare a +passion for the person whom he afterwards wedded, as we shall see +in the sequel. Indeed, she was the spur that instigated him in all +his extraordinary undertakings; and I question, whether be would or +not have been able to disengage himself from that course of life in +which he had so long mechanically moved, unless he had been roused +and actuated by her incessant exhortations. London, she observed, +was a receptacle of iniquity, where an honest, unsuspecting man +was every day in danger of falling a sacrifice to craft; where +innocence was exposed to continual temptations, and virtue eternally +persecuted by malice and slander; where everything was ruled by +caprice and corruption, and merit utterly discouraged and despised. +This last imputation she pronounced with such emphasis and chagrin, +as plainly denoted how far she considered herself as an example +of what she advanced; and really the charge was justified by the +constructions that were put upon her retreat by her female friends, +who, far from imputing it to the laudable motives that induced her, +insinuated, in sarcastic commendations, that she had good reason +to be dissatisfied with a place where she had been so overlooked; +and that it was certainly her wisest course to make her last effort +in the country, where, in all probability, her talents would be +less eclipsed, and her fortune more attractive. + +Be this as it will, her admonitions, though they were powerful +enough to convince, would have been insufficient to overcome the +languor and vis inertiae of her brother, had she not reinforced +her arguments, by calling in question the credit of two or three +merchants, with whom he was embarked in trade. + +Alarmed at these hints of intelligence, be exerted himself effectually; +he withdrew his money from trade, and laying it out in Bank-stock, +and India-bonds, removed to a house in the country, which his father +had built near the sea-side, for the convenience of carrying on a +certain branch of traffic in which he had been deeply concerned. + +Here then Mr. Pickle fixed his habitation for life, in the +six-and-thirtieth year of his age; and though the pangs he felt at +parting with his intimate companions, and quitting all his former +connections, were not quite so keen as to produce any dangerous +disorder in his constitution, he did not fail to be extremely +disconcerted at his first entrance into a scene of life to which +he was totally a stranger. Not but that he met with abundance +of people in the country, who, in consideration of his fortune, +courted his acquaintance, and breathed nothing but friendship and +hospitality; yet, even the trouble of receiving and returning these +civilities was an intolerable fatigue to a man of his habits and +disposition. He therefore left the care of the ceremonial to his +sister, who indulged herself in all the pride of formality; while +he himself, having made a discovery of a public-house in the +neighbourhood, went thither every evening and enjoyed his pipe and +can; being very well satisfied with the behaviour of the landlord, +whose communicative temper was a great comfort to his own taciturnity; +for he shunned all superfluity of speech, as much as he avoided +any other unnecessary expense. + + + + + +CHAPTER II. + + + + +He is made acquainted with the Characters of Commodore Trunnion +and his Adherents--Meets with them by Accident, and contracts an +Intimacy with that Commander. + + +This loquacious publican soon gave him sketches of all the +characters in the county; and, among others, described that of his +next neighbour, Commodore Trunnion, which was altogether singular +and odd. "The commodore and your worship," said he, "will in a +short time be hand and glove, he has a power of money, and spends +it like a prince--that is, in his own way--for to be sure he is +a little humorsome, as the saying is, and swears woundily; though +I'll be sworn he means no more harm than a sucking babe. Lord help +us! it will do your honour's heart good to hear him tell a story, +as how he lay alongside of the French, yard-arm and yard-arm, board +and board, and of heaving grapplings, and stink-pots, and grapes, +and round and double-headed partridges, crows and carters. Lord +have mercy upon us! he has been a great warrior in his time, and +lost an eye and a heel in the service. Then he does not live like +any other Christian land-man; but keeps garrison in his house, as +if he were in the midst of his enemies, and makes his servants turn +out in the night, watch and watch as he calls it, all the year +round. His habitation is defended by a ditch, over which he has +laid a draw-bridge, and planted his court-yard with patereroes +continually loaded with shot, under the direction of one Mr. Hatchway, +who had one of his legs shot away while he acted as lieutenant on +board the commodore's ship; and now, being on half-pay, lives with +him as his companion. The lieutenant is a very brave man, a great +joker, and, as the saying is, hath got the length of his commander's +foot--though he has another favourite in the house called Tom +Pipes, that was his boatswain's mate, and now keeps the servants in +order. Tom is a man of few words, but an excellent hand at a song +concerning the boatswain's whistle, hustle-cap, and chuck-farthing--there +is not such another pipe in the county--so that the commodore lives +very happy in his own manner; though he be sometimes thrown into +perilous passions and quandaries, by the application of his poor +kinsmen, whom he can't abide, because as how some of them were the +first occasion of his going to sea. Then he sweats with agony at +the sight of an attorney, just, for all the world, as some people +have an antipathy to a cat: for it seems he was once at law, for +striking one of his officers, and cast in a swinging sum. He is, +moreover, exceedingly afflicted with goblins that disturb his rest, +and keep such a racket in his house, that you would think (God +bless us!) all the devils in hell had broke loose upon him. It was +no longer ago than last year about this time, that he was tormented +the livelong night by the mischievous spirits that got into his +chamber, and played a thousand pranks about his hammock, for there is +not one bed within his walls. Well, sir, he rang his bell, called +up all his servants, got lights, and made a thorough search; but the +devil a goblin was to be found. He had no sooner turned in again, +and the rest of the family gone to sleep, than the foul fiends +began their game anew. The commodore got up in the dark, drew his +cutlass, and attacked them both so manfully, that in five minutes +everything in the apartment went to pieces, The lieutenant, hearing +the noise, came to his assistance. Tom Pipes, being told what was +the matter, lighted his match, and going down to the yard, fired +all the patereroes as signals of distress. Well, to be sure the +whole parish was in a pucker: some thought the French had landed; +others imagined the commodore's house was beset by thieves; for my +own part, I called up two dragoons that are quartered upon me, and +they swore, with deadly oaths, it was a gang of smugglers engaged +with a party of their regiment that lies in the next village; and +mounting their horses like lusty fellows, rode up into the country +as fast as their beasts could carry them. Ah, master! These are +hard times, when an industrious body cannot earn his bread without +fear of the gallows. Your worship's father (God rest his soul!) +was a good gentleman, and as well respected in this parish as e'er +a he that walks upon neat's leather; and if your honour should want +a small parcel of fine tea, or a few ankers of right Nantes, I'll +be bound you shall be furnished to your heart's content. But, as +I was saying, the hubbub continued till morning, when the parson +being sent for, conjured the spirits into the Red Sea; and the +house has been pretty quiet ever since. True it is, Mr. Hatchway +makes a mock of the whole affair; and told his commander, in this +very blessed spot, that the two goblins were no other than a couple +of jackdaws which had fallen down the chimney, and made a flapping +with their wings up and down the apartment. But the commodore, who +is very choleric, and does not like to be jeered, fell into a main +high passion, and stormed like a perfect hurricane, swearing that +he knew a devil from a jackdaw as well as e'er a man in the three +kingdoms. He owned, indeed, that the birds were found, but denied +that they were the occasion of the uproar. For my own part, master, +I believe much may be said on both sides of the question; though +to be sure, the devil is always going about, as the saying is." + +This circumstantial account, extraordinary as it was, never altered +one feature in the countenance of Mr. Pickle, who, having heard +it to an end, took the pipe from his mouth, saying, with a look +of infinite sagacity and deliberation, "I do suppose he is of the +Cornish Trunnions. What sort of a woman is his spouse?" "Spouse!" +cried the other; "odds-heart! I don't think he would marry the +queen of Sheba. Lack-a-day! sir, he won't suffer his own maids to +be in the garrison, but turns them into an out-house every night +before the watch is set. Bless your honour's soul, he is, as it +were, a very oddish kind of a gentleman. Your worship would have +seen him before now; for, when he is well, he and my good master +Hatchway come hither every evening, and drink a couple of cans of +rumbo a piece; but he has been confined to his house this fortnight +by a plaguy fit of the gout, which, I'll assure your worship, is +a good penny out of my pocket." + +At that instant, Mr. Pickle's ears were saluted with such a strange +noise, as even discomposed the muscles of his face, which gave +immediate indications of alarm. This composition of notes at first +resembled the crying of quails, and croaking of bull-dogs; but +as it approached nearer, he could distinguish articulate sounds +pronounced with great violence, in such a cadence as one would +expect to hear from a human creature scolding through the organs +of an ass; it was neither speaking nor braying, but a surprising +mixture of both, employed in the utterance of terms absolutely +unintelligible to our wondering merchant, who had just opened +his mouth to express his curiosity, when the starting up at the +well-known sound, cried, "Odd's niggers! there is the commodore +with his company, as sure as I live," and with his apron began to +wipe the dust off an elbow-chair placed at one side of the fire, and +kept sacred for the ease and convenience of this infirm commander. +While he vas thus occupied, a voice, still more uncouth than +the former, bawled aloud, "Ho! the house, a-hoy!" Upon which the +publican, clapping a hand to each side of his head with his thumbs +fixed to his ears, rebellowed in the same tone, which he had learned +to imitate, "Hilloah." The voice again exclaimed, "Have you got any +attorneys aboard?" and when the landlord replied, "No, no," this +man of strange expectation came in, supported by his two dependents, +and displayed a figure every way answerable to the oddity of his +character. He was in stature at least six feet high, though he had +contracted a habit of stooping, by living so long on board; his +complexion was tawny, and his aspect rendered hideous by a large +scar across his nose, and a patch that covered the place of one +eye. Being seated in his chair, with great formality the landlord +complimented him upon his being able to come abroad again; and +having in a whisper communicated the name of his fellow-guest, whom +the commodore already knew by report, went to prepare, with all +imaginable despatch, the first allowance of his favourite liquor, +in three separate cans (for each was accommodated with his own +portion apart), while the lieutenant sat down on the blind side +of his commander; and Tom Pipes, knowing his distance, with great +modesty took his station in the rear. + +After a pause of some minutes, the conversation was begun by this +ferocious chief, who, fixing his eye upon the lieutenant with a +sternness of countenance not to be described, addressed him in these +words: "D-- my eyes! Hatchway, I always took you to be a better +seaman than to overset our chaise in such fair weather. Blood! +didn't I tell you we were running bump ashore, and bid you set +in the ice-brace, and haul up a wind?"--"Yes," replied the other, +with an arch sneer, "I do confess as how you did give such orders, +after you had run us foul of a post, so as that the carriage lay +along, and could not right herself."--"I run you foul of a post!" +cried the commander: "d-- my heart! you're a pretty dog, an't you, +to tell me so above-board to my face? Did I take charge of the +chaise? Did I stand at the helm?"--"No," answered Hatchway; "I must +confess you did not steer; but, howsomever, you cunned all the way, +and so, as you could not see how the land lay, being blind of your +larboard eye, we were fast ashore before you knew anything of the +matter, Pipes, who stood abaft, can testify the truth of what I +say."--"D-- my limbs!" resumed the commodore, "I don't value what +you or Pipes say a rope-yarn. You're a couple of mutinous--I'll +say no more; but you shan't run your rig upon me, d-- ye, I am the +man that learnt you, Jack Hatchway, to splice a rope and raise a +perpendicular." + +The lieutenant, who was perfectly well acquainted with the trim of +his captain, did not choose to carry on the altercation any further; +but taking up his can, drank to the health of the stranger, who very +courteously returned the compliment, without, however, presuming +to join in the conversation, which suffered a considerable pause. +During this interruption, Mr. Hatchway's wit displayed itself in +several practical jokes upon the commodore, with whom he knew it +was dangerous to tamper in any other way. Being without the sphere +of his vision, he securely pilfered his tobacco, drank his rumbo, +made wry faces, and, to use the vulgar phrase, cocked his eye at +him, to the no small entertainment of the spectators, Mr. Pickle +himself not excepted, who gave evident tokens of uncommon satisfaction +at the dexterity of this marine p pantomime. + +Meanwhile, the captain's choler gradually subsided, and he was +pleased to desire Hatchway, by the familiar and friendly diminutive +of Jack, to read a newspaper that lay on the table before him. +This task was accordingly undertaken by the lame lieutenant, who, +among paragraphs, read that which follows, with an elevation of +voice which seemed to prognosticate something extraordinary: "We +are informed, that Admiral Bower will very soon be created a British +peer, for his eminent services during the war, particularly in his +late engagement with the French fleet." + +Trunnion was thunderstruck at this piece of intelligence: the ring +dropped front his hand, and shivered into a thousand pieces; his +eye glistened like that of a rattle-snake; and some minutes elapsed +before he could pronounce, "Avast! overhaul that article again!" + +It was no sooner read the second time, than, smiting the table +with his fist, he started up, and, with the most violent emphasis +of rage and indignation, exclaimed, "D-- my heart and liver! 'tis +a land lie, d'ye see; and I will maintain it to be a lie, from the +sprit-sail yard to the mizen-top-sail haulyards! Blood and thunder! +Will. Bower a peer of this realm! a fellow of yesterday, that scarce +knows a mast from a manger! a snotty-nose boy, whom I myself have +ordered to the gun, for stealing eggs out of the hen-coops! and +I, Hawser Trunnion, who commanded a ship before be could keep a +reckoning, am laid aside, d'ye see, and forgotten! If so be as this +be the case, there is a rotten plank in our constitution, which +ought to be hove down and repaired, d-- my eyes! For my own part, +d'ye see, I was none of your Guinea pigs: I did not rise in the +service by parlamenteering interest, or a handsome b-- of a wife. +I was not over the bellies of better men, nor strutted athwart the +quarter-deck in a laced doublet, and thingumbobs at the wrists. D-- +my limbs! I have been a hard-working man, and served all offices +on board from cook's shifter to the command of a vessel. Here, you +Tunley, there's the hand of a seaman, you dog." + +So saying, he laid hold on the landlord's fist, and honoured him with +such a squeeze, as compelled him to roar with great vociferation, to +the infinite satisfaction of the commodore, whose features were a +little unblended by this acknowledgment of his vigour; and he thus +proceeded, in a less outrageous strain: "They make a d--d noise +about this engagement with the French: but, egad! it was no more +than a bumboat battle, in comparison with some that I have seen. +There was old Rook and Jennings, and another whom I'll be d--d +before I name, that knew what fighting was. As for my own share, +d'ye see, I am none of those that hallo in their own commendation: +but if so be that I were minded to stand my own trumpeter, some of +those little fellows that hold their heads so high would be taken +all aback, as the saying is: they would be ashamed to show their +colours, d-- my eyes! I once lay eight glasses alongside of the +Flour de Louse, a French man-of-war, though her mettle was heavier, +and her complement larger by a hundred hands than mine. You, Jack +Hatchway, d-- ye, what d'ye grin at! D'ye think I tell a story, +because you never heard it before?" + +"Why, look ye, sir," answered the lieutenant, "I am glad to find you +can stand your own trumpeter on occasion; though I wish you would +change the tune, for that is the same you have been piping every +watch for these ten months past. Tunley himself will tell you he +has heard it five hundred times."--"God forgive you! Mr. Hatchway," +said the landlord, interrupting him; "as I am an honest man and a +housekeeper, I never heard a syllable of the matter." + +This declaration, though not strictly true, was extremely agreeable +to Mr. Trunnion, who, with an air of triumph, observed, "Aha! Jack, +I thought I should bring you up, with your gibes and your jokes: +but suppose you had heard it before, is that any reason why it +shouldn't be told to another person? There's the stranger, belike he +has heard it five hundred times too; han't you, brother? addressing +himself to Mr. Pickle; who replying, with a look expressing +curiosity, "No, never;" he thus went on: "Well, you seem to be an +honest, quiet sort of a man; and therefore you must know, as I said +before, I fell in with a French man-of-war, Cape Finistere bearing +about six leagues on the weather bow, and the chase three leagues +to leeward, going before the wind: whereupon I set my studding sails; +and coming up with her, hoisted my jack and ensign, and poured in +a broadside, before you could count three rattlins in the mizen +shrouds; for I always keep a good look-out, and love to have the +first fire." + +"That I'll be sworn," said Hatchway: "for the day we made the +Triumph you ordered the men to fire when she was hull-to, by the +same token we below pointed the guns at a flight of gulls; and I +won a can of punch from the gunner by killing the first bird." + +Exasperated at this sarcasm, he replied, with great vehemence, "You +lie, lubber! D-- your bones! what business have you to come always +athwart my hawse in this manner? You, Pipes, was upon deck, and can +bear witness whether or not I fired too soon. Speak, you blood of +a ----, and that upon the word of a seaman: how did the chase bear +of us when I gave orders to fire?" + +Pipes, who had hitherto sat silent, being thus called upon to give +his evidence, after divers strange gesticulations, opened his mouth +like a gasping cod, and with a cadence like that of the east wind +singing through a cranny, pronounced, "Half a quarter of a league +right upon our lee-beam." + +"Nearer, you porpuss-faced swab," cried the commodore, "nearer by +twelve fathom: but, howsomever, that's enough to prove the falsehood +of Hatchway's jaw--and so, brother, d'ye see," turning to Pickle, +"I lay alongside of the Flour de Louse, yard-arm and yard-arm, +plying out great guns and small arms, and heaving in stink-pots, +powder-bottles, and hand-grenades, till our shot was all expended, +double-headed, partridge and grape: then we loaded with iron crows, +marlin-spikes, and old nails; but finding the Frenchman took a +good deal of drubbing, and that he had shot away all our rigging, +and killed and wounded a great number of our men, d'ye see, I +resolved to run him on board upon his quarter, and so ordered our +grapplings to be got ready; but monsieur, perceiving what we were +about, filled his topsails and sheered off, leaving us like a log +upon the water, and our scuppers running with blood." + +Mr. Pickle and the landlord paid such extraordinary attention +to the rehearsal of this exploit, that Trunnion was encouraged to +entertain them with more stories of the same nature; after which +he observed, by way of encomium on the government, that all he had +gained in the service was a lame foot and the loss of an eye. The +lieutenant, who could not find in his heart to lose any opportunity +of being witty at the expense of his commander, gave a loose to +his satirical talent once more, saying,--"I have heard as how you +came by your lame foot, by having your upper decks over-stowed with +liquor, whereby you became crank, and rolled, d'ye see, in such a +manner, that by a pitch of the ship your starboard heel was jammed +in one of the scuppers; and as for the matter of your eye, that +was knocked out by your own crew when the Lightning was paid off: +there's poor Pipes, who was beaten into all the colours of the +rainbow for taking your part, and giving you time to sheer off; and +I don't find as how you have rewarded him according as he deserves." + +As the commodore could not deny the truth of these anecdotes, +however unseasonably they were introduced, he affected to receive +them with good humour, as jokes of the lieutenant's own inventing; +and replied, "Ay, ay, Jack, everybody knows your tongue is no +slander; but, howsomever, I'll work you to an oil for this, you +dog." So saying, he lifted up one of his crutches, intending to lay +it gently across Mr. Hatchway's pate; but Jack, with great agility, +tilted up his wooden leg, with which he warded off the blow, to +the no small admiration of Mr. Pickle, and utter astonishment of +the landlord, who, by the bye, had expressed the same amazement, +at the same feet, at the same hour, every night, for three months +before. Trunnion then, directing his eye to the boatswain's mate, +"You, Pipes," said he, "do you go about and tell people that I +did not reward you for standing by me, when I was bustled by these +rebellious rapscallions? D-- you, han't you been rated on the books +ever since?" + +Tom, who indeed had no words to spare, sat smoking his pipe with +great indifference, and never dreamed of paying any regard to +these interrogations; which being repeated and reinforced with many +oaths, that, however, produced no effect, the commodore pulled out +his purse, saying, "Here, you b-- baby, here's something better +than a smart ticket;" and threw it at his silent deliverer, who +received and pocketed his bounty, without the least demonstration of +surprise or satisfaction; while the donor, turning to Mr. Pickle, +"You see, brother," said he, "I make good the old saying; we sailors +get money like horses, and spend it like asses: come, Pipes, let's +have the boatswain's whistle, and be jovial." + +This musician accordingly applied to his mouth the silver instrument +that hung at the button-hole of his jacket, by a chain of the same +metal, and though not quite so ravishing as the pipe of Hermes, +produced a sound so loud and shrill, that the stranger, as it were +instinctively, stopped his ears, to preserve his organs of hearing +from such a dangerous invasion. The prelude being thus executed, +Pipes fixed his eyes upon the egg of an ostrich that depended +from the ceiling, and without once moving them from that object, +performed the whole cantata in a tone of voice that seemed to be +the joint issue of an Irish bagpipe and a sow-gelder's horn: the +commodore, the lieutenant, and landlord, joined in the chorus, +repeating this elegant stanza:-- + + Bustle, bustle, brave boys! + Let us sing, let us toil, + And drink all the while, + Since labour's the price of our joys. + + +The third line was no sooner pronounced, than the can was lifted +to every man's mouth with admirable uniformity; and the next word +taken up at the end of their draught with a twang equally expressive +and harmonious. In short, the company began to understand one another; +Mr. Pickle seemed to relish the entertainment, and a correspondence +immediately commenced between him and Trunnion, who shook him by +the hand, drank to further acquaintance, and even invited him to a +mess of pork and pease in the garrison. The compliment was returned, +good-fellowship prevailed, and the night was pretty far advanced, +when the merchant's man arrived with a lantern to light his master +home; upon which, the new friends parted, after a mutual promise +of meeting next evening in the same place. + + + + + +CHAPTER III. + + + + +Mrs. Grizzle exerts herself in finding a proper Match for her +Brother; who is accordingly introduced to the young Lady, whom he +marries in due Season. + + +I have been the more circumstantial in opening the character of +Trunnion, because he bears a considerable share in the course of +these memoirs; but now it is high time to resume the consideration +of Mrs. Grizzle, who, since her arrival in the country, had been +engrossed by a double care, namely, that of finding a suitable +match for her brother, and a comfortable yoke-fellow for herself. + +Neither was this aim the result of any sinister or frail aggression, +but the pure dictates of that laudable ambition, which prompted +her to the preservation of the family name. Nay, so disinterested +was she in this pursuit, that, postponing her nearest concern, or +at least leaving her own fate to the silent operation of her charms, +she laboured with such indefatigable zeal in behalf of her brother, +that before they had been three months settled in the country, the +general topic of conversation in the neighbourhood was an intended +match between the rich Mr. Pickle and the fair Miss Appleby, daughter +of a gentleman who lived in the next parish, and who though he had +but little fortune to bestow upon his children, had, to use his +own phrase, replenished their veins with some of the best blood in +the country. + +This young lady, whose character and disposition Mrs. Grizzle had +investigated to her own satisfaction, was destined for the spouse +of Mr. Pickle; and an overture accordingly made to her father, +who, being overjoyed at the proposal, gave his consent without +hesitation, and even recommended the immediate execution of the +project with such eagerness, as seemed to indicate either a suspicion +of Mr. Pickle's constancy, or a diffidence of his own daughter's +complexion, which perhaps he thought too sanguine to keep much +longer cool. The previous point being thus settled, our merchant, +at the instigation of Mrs. Grizzle, went to visit his future +father-in-law, and was introduced to the daughter, with whom he +had, that same afternoon, an opportunity of being alone. What passed +in that interview I never could learn, though from the character +of the suitor, the reader may justly conclude that she was not +much teased with the impertinence of his addresses. He was not, I +believe, the less welcome for that reason: certain it is she made +no objection to his taciturnity; and when her father communicated +his resolution, acquiesced with the most pious resignation. But +Mrs. Grizzle, in order to give the lady a more favourable idea +of his intellects than his conversation could possibly inspire, +resolved to dictate a letter, which her brother should transcribe +and transmit to his mistress as the produce of his own understanding, +and had actually composed a very tender billet for this purpose; +yet her intention was entirely frustrated by the misapprehension +of the lover himself, who, in consequence of his sister's repeated +admonitions, anticipated her scheme, by writing, for himself, and +despatching the letter one afternoon, while Mrs. Grizzle was visiting +at the parson's. + +Neither was this step the effect of his vanity or precipitation; +but having been often assured by his sister that it was absolutely +necessary for him to make a declaration of his love in writing, +he took this opportunity of acting in conformity with her advice, +when his imagination was unengaged or undisturbed by any other +suggestion, without suspecting in the least that she intended to +save him the trouble of exercising his own genius. Left, therefore, +as he imagined, to his own inventions, he sat down, and produced +the following morceau, which was transmitted to Miss Appleby, before +his sister and counsellor had the least intimation of the affair:-- + + "Miss Sally Appleby. + "Madam,--Understanding you have a parcel of heart, warranted + sound, to be disposed of, shall be pleased to treat for said + commodity, on reasonable terms; doubt not, shall agree for + same; shall wait on you for further information, when and where + you shall appoint. This the needful from--Yours, etc. + "Gam. Pickle." + +This laconic epistle, simple and unadorned as it was, met with as +cordial a reception from the person to whom it was addressed, as +if it had been couched in the most elegant terms that delicacy of +passion and cultivated genius could supply; nay, I believe, was the +more welcome on account of its mercantile plainness; because when +an advantageous match is in view, a sensible woman often considers +the flowery professions and rapturous exclamations of love as +ensnaring ambiguities, or, at best, impertinent preliminaries, that +retard the treaty they are designed to promote; whereas Mr. Pickle +removed all disagreeable uncertainty, by descending at once to the +most interesting particular. + +She had no sooner, as a dutiful child, communicated this billet-doux +to her father, than he, as a careful parent, visited Mr. Pickle, +and, in presence of Mrs. Grizzle, demanded a formal explanation +of his sentiments with regard to his daughter Sally. Mr. Gamaliel, +without any ceremony, assured him he had a respect for the young +woman, and, with his good leave, would take her for better, for +worse. Mr. Appleby, after having expressed his satisfaction that +he had fixed his affections in his family, comforted the lover with +the assurance of his being agreeable to the young lady; and they +forthwith proceeded to the articles of the marriage-settlement, +which being discussed and determined, a lawyer was ordered to +engross them; the wedding-clothes were bought, and, in short, a +day was appointed for the celebration of their nuptials, to which +everybody of any fashion in the neighbourhood was invited. Among +these, commodore Trunnion and Mr. Hatchway were not forgotten, +being the sole companions of the bridegroom, with whom, by this +time, they had contracted a sort of intimacy at their nocturnal +rendezvous. + +They had received a previous intimation of what was on the anvil, +from the landlord, before Mr. Pickle thought proper to declare +himself; in consequence of which, the topic of the one-eyed commander's +discourse, at their meeting, for several evenings before, had been +the folly and plague of matrimony, on which he held forth with great +vehemence of abuse, leveled at the fair sex, whom he represented +as devils incarnate, sent from hell to torment mankind; and +in particular inveighed against old maids, for whom he seemed to +entertain a singular aversion; while his friend Jack confirmed the +truth of all his allegations, and gratified his own malignant vein +at the same time by clenching every sentence with a sly joke upon +the married state, built upon some allusion to a ship or sea-faring +life. He compared a woman to a great gun loaded with fire, brimstone, +and noise, which, being violently heated, will bounce and fly, and +play the devil, if you don't take special care of her breechings. +He said she was like a hurricane that never blows from one quarter, +but veers about to all points of the compass. He likened her to a +painted galley, curiously rigged, with a leak in her hold, which +her husband would never be able to stop. He observed that her +inclinations were like the Bay of Biscay; for why? because you may +heave your deep sea lead long enough without ever reaching the +bottom; that he who comes to anchor on a wife may find himself +moored in d--d foul ground, and after all, can't for his blood slip +his cable; and that, for his own part, though he might make short +trips for pastime, he would never embark in woman on the voyage of +life, he was afraid of foundering in the first foul weather. + +In all probability, these insinuations made some impression on the +mind of Mr. Pickle, who was not very much inclined to run great +risks of any kind; but the injunctions and importunities of his +sister, who was bent upon the match, overbalanced the opinion of his +sea friends, who finding him determined to marry, notwithstanding +all the hints of caution they had thrown out, resolved to accept his +invitation, and honoured his nuptials with their presence accordingly. + + + + + +CHAPTER IV. + + + + +The Behaviour of Mrs. Grizzle at the Wedding, with an Account of +the Guests. + + +I hope it will not be thought uncharitable, if I advance, by way +of conjecture, that Mrs. Grizzle, on this grand occasion, summoned +her whole exertion to play off the artillery of her charms on the +single gentlemen who were invited to the entertainment; sure I am, +she displayed to the best advantage all the engaging qualities she +possessed; her affability at dinner was altogether uncommon, her +attention to the guests was superfluously hospitable, her tongue +was sheathed with a most agreeable and infantine lisp, her address +was perfectly obliging, and though conscious of the extraordinary +capacity of her month, she would not venture to hazard a laugh, +she modelled her lips into an enchanting simper, which played on +her countenance all day long; nay, she even profited by that defect +in her vision we have already observed, and securely contemplated +those features which were most to her liking, while the rest of +the company believed her regards were disposed in a quite contrary +direction. With what humility of complaisance did she receive +the compliments of those who could not help praising the elegance +of the banquet; and how piously did she seize that opportunity of +commemorating the honours of her sire, by observing that it was +no merit in her to understand something of entertainments, as she +had occasion to preside at so many, during the mayoralty of her +papa! + +Far from discovering the least symptom of pride and exultation +when the opulence of her family became the subject of conversation, +she assumed a severity of countenance; and, after having moralized +on the vanity of riches, declared that those who looked on her as +a fortune were very much mistaken; for her father had left her no +more than a poor five thousand pounds, which, with what little she +had saved of the interest since his death, was all she had to depend +on: indeed, if she had placed her chief felicity in wealth, she +should not have been so forward in destroying her own expectations, by +advising and promoting the event at which they were now so happily +assembled; but she hoped she should always have virtue enough +to postpone any interested consideration, when it should happen +to clash with the happiness of her friends. Finally, such was her +modesty and self-denial that she industriously informed those whom +it might concern, that she was no less than three years older than +the bride; though had she added ten to the reckoning, she would +have committed no mistake in point of computation. + +To contribute as much as lay in her power to the satisfaction of +all present, she in the afternoon regaled them with a tune on the +harpsichord, accompanied with her voice, which, though not the +most melodious in the world, I dare say, would have been equally +at their service could she have vied with Philomel in song; and +as the last effort of her complaisance, when dancing was proposed, +she was prevailed on, at the request of her new sister, to open +the ball in person. + +In a word, Mrs. Grizzle was the principal figure in this festival, +and almost eclipsed the bride; who, far from seeming to dispute +the pre-eminence, very wisely allowed her to make the best of +her talents; contenting herself with the lot to which fortune had +already called her and which she imagined would not be the less +desirable if her sister-in-law were detached from the family. + +I believe I need scarce advertise the reader that, during this whole +entertainment, the commodore and his lieutenant were quite out of +their element; and this, indeed, was the case with the bridegroom +himself, who being utterly unacquainted with any sort of polite +commerce, found himself under a very disagreeable restraint during +the whole scene. + +Trunnion, who had scarce ever been on shore till he was paid off, +and never once in his whole life in the company of any females +above the rank of those who herd on the Point at Portsmouth, was +more embarrassed about his behaviour than if he had been surrounded +at sea by the whole French navy. He had never pronounced the word +"madam" since he was born; so that, far from entering into conversation +with the ladies, he would not even return the compliment, or give +the least note of civility when they drank to his health, and, I +verily believe, would rather have suffered suffocation than allowed +the simple phrase--"your servant," to proceed from his mouth. He +was altogether as inflexible with respect to the attitudes of his +body; for, either through obstinacy or bashfulness, he sat upright +without motion, insomuch that he provoked the mirth of a certain +wag, who, addressing himself to the lieutenant, asked whether that +was the commodore himself, or the wooden lion that used to stand +at his gate?--an image, to which, it must be owned, Mr. Trunnion's +person bore no faint resemblance. + +Mr. Hatchway, who was not quite so unpolished as the commodore, +and had certain notions that seemed to approach the ideas of common +life, made a less uncouth appearance; but then he was a wit, and +though of a very peculiar genius, partook largely of that disposition +which is common to all wits, who never enjoy themselves except when +their talents meet with those marks of distinction and veneration, +which, in their own opinion, they deserve. + +These circumstances being premised, it is not to be wondered at, +if this triumvirate made no objections to the proposal, when some +of the graver personages of the company made a motion for adjourning +into another apartment, where they might enjoy their pipes and +bottles, while the young folks indulged themselves in the continuance +of their own favourite diversion. Thus rescued, as it were, from a +state of annihilation, the first use the two lads of the castle made +of their existence, was to ply the bridegroom so hard with bumpers, +that in less than an hour he made divers efforts to sing, and soon +after was carried to bed, deprived of all manner of sensation, to +the utter disappointment of the bridemen and maids, who, by this +accident, were prevented from throwing the stocking, and performing +certain other ceremonies practised on such occasions. As for the +bride, she bore this misfortune with great good humour, and indeed, +on all occasions, behaved like a discreet woman, perfectly well +acquainted with the nature of her own situation. + + + + + +CHAPTER V. + + + + +Mrs. Pickle assumes the Reins of Government in her own Family--Her +Sister-in-law undertakes an Enterprise of great Moment, but is for +some time diverted from her Purpose by a very interesting Consideration. + + +Whatever deference, not to say submission, she had paid to Mrs. +Grizzle before she nearly allied to her family, she no sooner became +Mrs. Pickle, than she thought it encumbent on her to act up to the +dignity of the character; and, the very day after the marriage, +ventured to dispute with her sister-in-law on the subject of her own +pedigree, which she affirmed to be more honourable in all respects +than that of her husband; observing that several younger brothers +of her house had arrived at the station of lord-mayor of London, +which was the highest pitch of greatness that any of Mr. Pickle's +predecessors had ever attained. + +This presumption was like a thunderbolt to Mrs. Grizzle, who began +to perceive that she had not succeeded quite so well as she imagined, +in selecting for her brother a gentle and obedient yoke-fellow, +who would always treat her with that profound respect which she +thought due to her superior genius, and be entirely regulated by +her advice and direction: however, she still continued to manage +the reins of government in the house, reprehending the servants as +usual; an office she performed with great capacity, and in which +she seemed to take singular delight, until Mrs. Pickle, on pretence +of consulting her ease, told her one day she would take that trouble +on herself, and for the future assume the management of her own +family. Nothing could be more mortifying to Mrs. Grizzle than such +a declaration; to which, after a considerable pause, and strange +distortion of look, she replied: "I shall never refuse or repine +at any trouble that may conduce to my brother's advantage."--"Dear +madam," answered the sister, "I am infinitely obliged for your +kind concern for Mr. Pickle's interest, which I consider as my own, +but I cannot bear to see you a sufferer by your friendship; and, +therefore, insist on exempting you from the fatigue you have borne +so long." + +In vain did the other protest that she took pleasure in the task: +Mrs. Pickle ascribed the assurance to her excess of complaisance; +and expressed such tenderness of zeal for her dear sister's health +and tranquility, that the reluctant maiden found herself obliged +to resign her authority, without enjoying the least pretext for +complaining of her being deposed. + +This disgrace was attended by a fit of peevish devotion that lasted +three or four weeks; during which period she had the additional +chagrin of seeing the young lady gain an absolute ascendency over +the mind of her brother, who was persuaded to set up a gay equipage, +and improve his housekeeping, by an augmentation in his expense, +to the amount of a thousand a year at least: though his alteration +in the economy of his household effected no change in his own +disposition, or manner of life; for as soon as the painful ceremony +of receiving and returning visits was performed, he had recourse +to the company of his sea friends, with whom he spent the best part +of his time. But if he was satisfied with his condition, the case +was otherwise with Mrs. Grizzle, who, finding her importance in +the family greatly diminished, her attractions neglected by all +the male sex in the neighbourhood, and the withering hand of time +hang threatening over her head, began to feel the horror of eternal +virginity, and, in a sort of desperation, resolved at any rate to +rescue herself from that reproachful and uncomfortable situation. + +Thus determined, she formed a plan, the execution of which to +a spirit less enterprising and sufficient than hers, would have +appeared altogether impracticable: this was no other than to make +a conquest of the commodore's heart, which the reader will easily +believe was not very susceptible of tender impressions; but, on +the contrary, fortified with insensibility and prejudice against +the charms of the whole sex, and particularly prepossessed to the +prejudice of that class distinguished by the appellation of old +maids, in which Mrs. Grizzle was by this time unhappily ranked. +She nevertheless took the field, and having invested this seemingly +impregnable fortress, began to break ground one day, when Trunnion +dined at her brother's, by springing certain ensnaring commendations +on the honesty and sincerity of sea-faring people, paying a particular +attention to his plate, and affecting a simper of approbation at +everything which he said, which by any means she could construe +into a joke, or with modesty be supposed to hear: nay, even when +he left decency on the left hand, which was often the case, she +ventured to reprimand his freedom of speech with a grin, saying, +"Sure you gentlemen belonging to the sea have such an odd way with +you." But all this complacency was so ineffectual, that, far from +suspecting the true cause of it, the commodore, that very evening, +at the club, in presence of her brother, with whom by this time he +could take any manner of freedom, did not scruple to d-- her for +a squinting, block-faced, chattering p-- kitchen; and immediately +after drank "Despair to all old maids." The toast Mr. Pickle +pledged without the least hesitation, and next day intimated to +his sister, who bore the indignity with surprising resignation, and +did not therefore desist from her scheme, unpromising as it seemed +to be, until her attention was called off, and engaged in another +care, which for some time interrupted the progress of this design. + +Her sister had not been married many months, when she exhibited +evident symptoms of pregnancy, to the general satisfaction of all +concerned, and the inexpressible joy of Mrs. Grizzle, who, as we +have already hinted, was more interested in the preservation of the +family name than in any other consideration whatever. She therefore +no sooner discovered appearances to justify and confirm her hopes, +than, postponing her own purpose, and laying aside that pique and +resentment she had conceived from the behaviour of Mrs. Pickle, +when she superseded her authority; or perhaps, considering her in +no other light than that of the vehicle which contained, and was +destined to convey, her brother's heir to light, she determined to +exert her uttermost in nursing, tending, and cherishing her during +the term of her important charge. With this view she purchased +Culpepper's Midwifery, which with that sagacious performance +dignified with Aristotle's name, she studied with indefatigable +care; and diligently perused the Complete Housewife, together with +Quincy's Dispensatory, culling every jelly, marmalade, and conserve +which these authors recommend as either salutary or toothsome, for +the benefit and comfort of her sister-in-law, during her gestation. +She restricted her from eating roots, pot-herbs, fruit, and all +sorts of vegetables; and one day, when Mrs. Pickle had plucked +a peach with her own hand, and was in the very act of putting it +between her teeth, Mrs. Grizzle perceived the rash attempt, and +running up to her, fell on her knees in the garden, entreating her, +with tears in her eyes, to desist such a pernicious appetite. Her +request was no sooner complied with, than recollecting, that if her +sister's longing was balked, the child might be affected with some +disagreeable mark or deplorable disease, she begged as earnestly +that she would swallow the fruit, and in the mean time ran for +some cordial water of her own composing, which she forced on her +sister, as an antidote to the poison she had received. + +This excessive zeal and tenderness did not fail to be very troublesome +to Mrs. Pickle, who, having resolved divers plans for the recovery +of her own ease, at length determined to engage Mrs. Grizzle in +such employment as would interrupt that close attendance, which +she found so teasing and disagreeable. Neither did she wait long +for an opportunity of putting her resolution in practice. The very +next day a gentleman happening to dine with Mr. Pickle, unfortunately +mentioned a pine-apple, part of which he had eaten a week before at +the house of a nobleman, who lived in another part of the country, +at the distance of a hundred miles at least. + +The name of this fatal fruit was no sooner pronounced, than Mrs. +Grizzle, who incessantly watched her sister's looks, took the alarm, +because she thought they gave certain indications of curiosity and +desire; and after having observed that she herself could never eat +pine-apples, which were altogether unnatural productions, extorted +by the force of artificial fire out of filthy manure, asked, with +a faltering voice, if Mrs. Pickle was not of her way of thinking? +This young lady, who wanted neither slyness nor penetration, at +once divined her meaning, and replied, with seeming unconcern, that +for her own part she should never repine if there was no pine-apple +in the universe, provided she could indulge herself with the fruits +of her own country. + +This answer was calculated for the benefit of the stranger, who +would certainly have suffered for his imprudence by the resentment +of Mrs. Grizzle, had her sister expressed the least relish for the +fruit in question. It had the desired effect, and re-established +the peace of the company, which was not a little endangered by the +gentleman's want of consideration. Next morning, however, after +breakfast, the pregnant lady, in pursuance of her plan, yawned, +as it were by accident, full in the face of her maiden sister, who +being infinitely disturbed by this convulsion, affirmed it was a +symptom of longing, and insisted upon knowing the object in desire; +when Mrs. Pickle affecting a smile told her she had eaten a most +delicious pine-apple in her sleep. This declaration was attended +with an immediate scream, uttered by Mrs. Grizzle, who instantly +perceiving her sister surprised at the exclamation, clasped her in +her arms, and assured her, with a sort of hysterical laugh, that +she could not help screaming with joy, because she had it in her +power to gratify her dear sister's wish; a lady in the neighbourhood +having promised to send her, as a present, a couple of delicate +pine-apples, which she would on that very day go in quest of. + +Mrs. Pickle would by no means consent to this proposal, on pretence +of sparing the other unnecessary fatigue; and assured her, that if +she had any desire to eat a pine-apple, it was so faint, that the +disappointment could produce no bad consequence. But this assurance +was conveyed in a manner, which she knew very well how to adopt, +that, instead of dissuading, rather stimulated Mrs. Grizzle to set +out immediately, not on a visit to that lady, whose promise she +herself had feigned with a view of consulting her sister's tranquility, +but on a random Search through the whole country for this unlucky +fruit, which was like to produce so much vexation and prejudice to +her and her father's house. + +During three whole days and nights did she, attended by a valet, +ride from place to place without success, unmindful of her health, +and careless of her reputation, that began to suffer from the nature +of her inquiry, which was pursued with such peculiar eagerness and +distraction, that everybody with whom she conversed, looked upon her +as an unhappy person, whose intellects were not a little disordered. + +Baffled in all her researches within the country, she at length +decided to visit that very nobleman at whose house the officious +stranger had been (for her) so unfortunately regaled, and actually +arrived, in a post-chaise, at the place of his habitation, when +she introduced her business as an affair on which the happiness of +a whole family depended. By virtue of a present to his lordship's +gardener, she procured the Hesperian fruit, with which she returned +in triumph. + + + + + +CHAPTER VI. + + + + +Mrs. Grizzle is indefatigable in gratifying her Sister's +Longings--Peregrine is born, and managed contrary to the Directions +and Remonstrances of his Aunt, who is disgusted upon that account, +and resumes the Plan which she had before rejected. + + +The success of this device would have encouraged Mrs. Pickle to +practise more of the same sort upon her sister-in-law, had she not +been deterred by a violent fever which seized her zealous ally, +in consequence of the fatigue and uneasiness she had undergone; +which, while it lasted, as effectually conduced to her repose, as +any other stratagem she could invent. But Mrs. Grizzle's health +was no sooner restored, than the other, being as much incommoded +as ever, was obliged, in her own defence, to have recourse to some +other contrivance; and managed her artifices in such a manner, as +leaves it at this day a doubt whether she was really so whimsical +and capriccios in her appetites as she herself pretended to be; +for her longings were not restricted to the demands of the palate +and stomach, but also affected all the other organs of sense, and +even invaded her imagination, which at this period seemed to be +strangely diseased. + +One time she longed to pinch her husband's ear; and it was with +infinite difficulty that his sister could prevail upon him to undergo +the operation. Yet this task was easy, in comparison with another +she undertook for the gratification of Mrs. Pickle's unaccountable +desire; which was no other than to persuade the commodore to submit +his chin to the mercy of the big-bellied lady, who ardently wished +for an opportunity of plucking three black hairs from his beard. +When this proposal was first communicated to Mr. Trunnion by the +husband, his answer was nothing but a dreadful effusion of oaths, +accompanied with such a stare, and delivered in such a tone +of voice, as terrified the poor beseecher into immediate silence; +so that Mrs. Grizzle was fain to take the whole enterprise upon +herself, and next day went to the garrison accordingly, where, +having obtained entrance by means of the lieutenant, who, while +his commander was asleep, ordered her to be admitted for the joke's +sake, she waited patiently till he turned out, and then accosted +him in the yard, where he used to perform his morning walk. He +was thunderstruck at the appearance of a woman in a place he had +hitherto kept sacred from the whole sex, and immediately began to +utter an apostrophe to Tom Pipes, whose turn it was then to watch; +when Mrs. Grizzle, falling on her knees before him, conjured him, +with many pathetic supplications, to hear and grant her request, +which was no sooner signified, than he bellowed in such an outrageous +manner that the whole court re-echoed the opprobrious term b--, and +the word damnation, which he repeated with surprising volubility, +without any sort of propriety or connection; and retreated into +his penetralia, leaving the baffled devotee in the humble posture +she had so unsuccessfully chosen to melt his obdurate heart. + +Mortifying as this repulse must have been to a lady of her stately +disposition, she did not relinquish her aim, but endeavoured to +interest the commodore's counsellors and adherents in her cause. +With this view she solicited the interest of Mr. Hatchway, who, +being highly pleased with a circumstance so productive of mirth +and diversion, readily entered into her measures, and promised to +employ his whole influence for her satisfaction; and as for the +boatswain's mate, he was rendered propitious by the present of +a guinea, which she slipped into his hand. In short, Mrs. Grizzle +was continually engaged in this negotiation for the space of ten +days, during which, the commodore was so incessantly pestered with +her remonstrances, and the admonitions of his associates, that he +swore his people had a design upon his life, which becoming a burden +to him, he at last complied, and was conducted to the scene like +a victim to the altar, or rather like a reluctant bear, when he is +led to the stake amidst the shouts and cries of butchers and their +dogs. After all, this victory was not quite so decisive as the +conquerors imagined; for the patient being set, and the performer +prepared with a pair of pincers, a small difficulty occurred: +she could not for some time discern one black hair on the whole +superficies of Mr. Trunnion's face, when Mrs. Grizzle, very much +alarmed and disconcerted, had recourse to a magnifying-glass that +stood upon her toilet; and, after a most accurate examination, +discovered a fibre of a dusky hue, to which the instrument being +applied, Mrs. Pickle pulled it up by the roots, to the no small +discomposure of the owner, who, feeling the smart much more severe +than he had expected, started up, and swore he would not part with +another hair to save them all from damnation. + +Mr. Hatchway exhorted him to patience and resignation; Mrs. Grizzle +repeated her entreaties with great humility; but finding him deaf +to all her prayers, and absolutely bent upon leaving the house, +she clasped his knees, and begged for the love of God that he would +have compassion upon a distressed family, and endure a little more +for the sake of the poor infant, who would otherwise be born with +a gray beard upon its chin. Far from being melted, he was rather +exasperated by this reflection; to which he replied with great +indignation, "D-- you for a yaw-sighted b--! I'll be hanged, long +enough before he has any beard at all:" so saying, he disengaged +himself from her embraces, flung out at the door, and halted homewards +with such surprising speed, that the lieutenant could not overtake +him until he had arrived at his own gate; and Mrs. Grizzle was so +much affected with his escape, that her sister, in pure compassion, +desired she would not afflict herself, protesting that her own wish +was already gratified, for she had plucked three hairs at once, +having from the beginning been dubious of the commodore's patience. + +But the labours of this assiduous kinswoman did not end with the +achievement of this adventure: her eloquence or industry was employed +without ceasing in the performance of other tasks imposed by the +ingenious craft of her sister-in-law, who at another time conceived +an insuppressible affection for a fricassee of frogs, which should +be the genuine natives of France; so that there was a necessity +for despatching a messenger on purpose to that kingdom; but as she +could not depend upon the integrity of any common servant, Mrs. +Grizzle undertook that province, and actually set sail in a cutter +for Boulogne, from whence she returned in eight-and-forty hours +with a tub full of those live animals, which being dressed according +to art, her sister did not taste them, on pretence that her fit of +longing was past: but then her inclinations took a different turn, +and fixed themselves upon a curious implement belonging to a lady +of quality in the neighbourhood, which was reported to be a great +curiosity: this was no other than a porcelain chamber-pot of admirable +workmanship, contrived by the honourable owner, who kept it for +her own private use, and cherished it as a utensil of inestimable +value. + +Mrs. Grizzle shuddered at the first hint, she received of her +sister's desire to possess this piece of furniture; because she +knew it was not to be purchased; and the lady's character, which +was none of the most amiable in point of humanity and condescension, +forbad all hopes of borrowing it for a season: she therefore +attempted to reason down this capricious appetite, as an extravagance +of imagination which ought to be combated and repressed; and Mrs. +Pickle, to all appearance was convinced and satisfied by her +arguments and advice; but, nevertheless, could make use of no other +convenience, and was threatened with a very dangerous suppression. +Roused at the peril in which she supposed her to be, Mrs. Grizzle +flew to the lady's house, and, having obtained a private audience, +disclosed the melancholy situation of her sister, and implored the +benevolence of her ladyship, who, contrary to expectation, received +her very graciously, and consented to indulge Mrs. Pickle's longing. +Mr. Pickle began to be out of humour at the expense to which he +was exposed by the caprice of his wife, who was herself alarmed +at this last accident, and for the future kept her fancy within +bounds; insomuch, that without being subject to any more extraordinary +trouble, Mrs. Grizzle reaped the long-wished fruits of her dearest +expectation in the birth of a fine boy, whom her sister in a few +months brought into the world. + +I shall omit the description of the rejoicings, which were infinite +on this important occasion, and only observe that Mrs. Pickle's +mother and aunt stood godmothers, and the commodore assisted at +the ceremony as godfather to the child, who was christened by the +name of Peregrine, in compliment to the memory of a deceased uncle. +While the mother confined to her bed, and incapable of maintaining +her own authority, Mrs. Grizzle took charge of the infant baby double +claim, and superintended, with surprising vigilance, the nurse and +midwife in all the particulars of their respective offices, which +were performed by her express direction. But no sooner was Mrs. +Pickle in a condition to reassume the management of her own affairs, +when she thought proper to alter certain regulations concerning the +child, which had obtained in consequence of her sister's orders, +directing, among other innovations, that the bandages with which +the infant had been so neatly rolled up, like an Egyptian mummy, +should be loosened and laid aside, in order to rid nature of all +restraint, and give the blood free scope to circulate; and, with +her own hands she plunged him headlong every morning into a tub +full of cold water. This operation seemed so barbarous to the +tender-hearted Mrs. Grizzle, that she not only opposed it with +all her eloquence, shedding abundance of tears over the sacrifice +when it was made; and took horse immediately, and departed for the +habitation of an eminent country physician, whom she consulted in +these words: "Pray, doctor, is it not both dangerous and cruel to +be the means of letting a poor tender infant perish by sousing it +in water as cold as ice?"--"Yes," replied the doctor, "downright +murder, I affirm."--"I see you are a person of great learning and +sagacity," said the other; "and I must beg you will be so good +as to signify your opinion in your own handwriting." The doctor +immediately complied with her request, and expressed himself upon +a slip of paper to this purpose:-- + + "These are to certify whom it may concern, that I firmly + believe, and it is my unalterable opinion, that who soever + letteth an infant perish, by sousing it in cold water, even + though the said water should not be so cold as ice, is in + effect guilty of the murder of the said infant, as witness + my hand, + "Comfit Colocynth." + + +Having obtained this certificate, for which the physician was +handsomely acknowledged, she returned, exalting, and hoping, with +such authority, to overthrow all opposition. Accordingly, next +morning, when her nephew was about to undergo his diurnal baptism, +she produced the commission, whereby she conceived herself empowered +to overrule such inhuman proceedings, but she was disappointed in +her expectation, confident as it was; not that Mrs. Pickle pretended +to differ in opinion from Dr. Colocynth, "for whose character +and sentiments," said she, "I have such veneration, that I shall +carefully observe the caution implied in this very certificate, by +which, far from condemning my method of practice, he only asserts +that killing is murder; an asseveration, the truth of which, it is +to be hoped, I shall never dispute." + +Mrs. Grizzle, who, sooth to say, had rather too superficially +considered the clause by which she thought herself authorized, +perused the paper with more accuracy, and was confounded at her +own want of penetration. Yet, though she was confuted, she was by +no means convinced that her objections to the cold bath were unreasonable; +on the contrary, after having bestowed sundry opprobrious epithets +on the physician, for his want of knowledge and candour, she protested +in the most earnest and solemn manner the pernicious practice of +dipping the child--a piece of cruelty which, with God's assistance, +she should never suffer to be inflicted on her own issue; and washing +her hands of the melancholy consequence that would certainly ensue, +shut herself up in her closet to indulge her sorrow and vexation. +She was deceived, however, in her prognostic. The boy, instead of +declining in point of health, seemed to acquire fresh vigour from +every plunge, as if he had been resolved to discredit the wisdom and +foresight of his aunt, who in all probability could never forgive +him for this want of reverence and respect. This conjecture is +founded upon her behaviour to him in the sequel of his infancy, +during which she was known to torture him more than once, when she +had opportunities of thrusting pins into his flesh, without any +danger of being detected. In short, her affections were in a little +time altogether alienated from this hope of her family, whom +she abandoned to the conduct of his mother, whose province it +undoubtedly was to manage the nurture of her own child; while she +herself resumed her operations upon the commodore, whom she was +resoled at any rate to captivate and enslave. And it must be owned +that Mrs. Grizzle's knowledge of the human heart never shone so +conspicuous as in the methods she pursued for the accomplishment +of this important aim. + +Through the rough unpolished hulk that cased the soul of Trunnion, +she could easily distinguish a large share of that vanity and +self-conceit that generally predominate even in the most savage +beast; and to this she constantly appealed. In his presence she +always exclaimed against the craft and dishonest dissimulation +of the world, and never failed of uttering particular invectives +against those arts of chicanery in which the lawyers are so +conversant, to the prejudice and ruin of their fellow-creatures; +observing that in a seafaring life, as far as she had opportunities +of judging or being informed, there was nothing but friendship, +sincerity, and a hearty contempt for everything that was mean or +selfish. + +This kind of conversation, with the assistance of certain particular +civilities, insensibly made an impression on the mind of the +commodore, and the more effectual as his former prepossessions were +built upon very slender foundations. His antipathy to old maids, +which he had conceived upon hearsay, began gradually to diminish +when he found they were not quite such infernal animals as they had +been presented; and it was not long before he was heard to observe, +at the club, that Pickle's sister had not so much of the core of +b-- in her as he had imagined. This negative compliment, by the +medium of her brother, soon reached the ears of Mrs. Grizzle, who, +thus encouraged, redoubled in her arts and attention; so that, in +less than three months after, he in the same place distinguished +her with the epithet of a d--d sensible jade. + +Hatchway, taking the alarm at this declaration, which he feared +foreboded something fatal to his interest, told his commander, +with a sneer, that she had sense enough to bring him to under her +stern; and he did not doubt but that such an old crazy vessel would +be the better for being taken in tow. "But howsomever," added this +arch adviser, "I'd have you take care of your upper-works; for if +once you are made fast to her poop, egad! She'll spank it away, +and make every beam in your body crack with straining." + +Our she-projector's whole plan had like to have been ruined by the +effect which this malicious hint had upon Trunnion, whose rage and +suspicion being wakened at once, his colour changed from tawny to +a cadaverous pale, and then shifting to a deep and dusky red, such +as we sometimes observe in the sky when it is replete with thunder, +he, after his usual preamble of unmeaning oaths, answered in these +words:--"D-- you, you jury-legg'd dog, you would give all the +stowage in your hold to be as sound as I am; and as for being taken +in tow, d'ye see, I'm not so disabled that I can lie my course, +and perform my voyage without assistance; and, egad! no man shall +ever see Hawser Trunnion lagging astern, in the wake of e'er a b-- +in Christendom." + +Mrs. Grizzle, who every morning interrogated her brother with +regard to the subject of his night's conversation with his friends, +soon received the unwelcome news of the commodore's aversion to +matrimony; and justly imputing the greatest part of his disgust to +the satirical insinuations of Mr. Hatchway, resolved to level this +obstruction to her success, and actually found means to interest +him in her scheme. She had indeed, on some occasions, a particular +knack at making converts, being probably not unacquainted with +that grand system of persuasion which is adopted by the greatest +personages of the age, and fraught with maxims much more effectual +than all the eloquence of Tully or Demosthenes, even when supported +by the demonstrations of truth; besides, Mr. Hatchway's fidelity +to his new ally was confirmed by his foreseeing, in his captain's +marriage, an infinite fund of gratification for his own cynical +disposition. Thus, therefore, converted and properly cautioned, +he for the future suppressed all the virulence of his wit against +the matrimonial state; and as he knew not how to open his mouth in +the positive praise of any person whatever, took all opportunities +of excepting Mrs. Grizzle, by name, from the censures he liberally +bestowed upon the rest of her sex. "She is not a drunkard, like +Nan Castick, of Deptford," he would say; "not a nincompoop, like +Peg Simper, of Woolwich; not a brimstone, like Kate Koddle, of +Chatham; nor a shrew, like Nell Griffin, on the Point, Portsmouth" +(ladies to whom, at different times, they had both paid their +addresses); "but a tight, good-humoured, sensible wench, who knows +very well how to box her compass; well-trimmed aloft, and well-sheathed +alow, with a good cargo under her hatches." The commodore at first +imagined this commendation was ironical; but, hearing it repeated +again and again, was filled with astonishment at this surprising +change in the lieutenant's behaviour; and, after a long fit of +musing, concluded that Hatchway himself harboured a matrimonial +design on the person of Mrs. Grizzle. + +Pleased with this conjecture, he rallied jack in his turn, and +one night toasted her health as a compliment to his passion--a +circumstance which the lady learned next day by the usual canal +of her intelligence; and interpreting as the result of his own +tenderness for her, she congratulated herself on the victory she +had obtained; and thinking it unnecessary to continue the reserve +she had hitherto industriously affected, resolved from that day +to sweeten her behaviour towards him with such a dash of affection +as could not fail to persuade him that he had inspired her with +a reciprocal flame. In consequence of this determination, he was +invited to dinner, and while he stayed treated with such cloying +proofs of her regard, that not only the rest of the company, but +even Trunnion perceived her drift; and taking the alarm accordingly, +could not help exclaiming, "Oho! I see how the land lies, and if +I don't weather the point, I'll be d--d." Having thus expressed +himself to his afflicted inamorata, he made the best of his way +to the garrison, in which he shut himself up for the space of ten +days, and had no communication with his friends and domestics but +by looks, which were most significantly picturesque. + + + + + +CHAPTER VII. + + + + +Divers Stratagems are invented and put in practice, in order to +overcome the obstinacy of Trunnion, who, at length, is teased and +tortured into the Noose of Wedlock. + + +This abrupt departure and unkind declaration affected Mrs. Grizzle +so much, that she fell sick of sorrow and mortification; and after +having confined herself to her bed for three days, sent for her +brother, told him she perceived her end drawing near, and desired +that a lawyer might be brought, in order to write her last will. +Mr. Pickle, surprised at her demand, began to act the part of a +comforter, assuring her that her distemper was not at all dangerous, and +that he would instantly send for a physician, who would convince +her that she was in no manner of jeopardy; so that there was +no occasion at present to employ any officious attorney in such a +melancholy task. Indeed, this affectionate brother was of opinion +that a will was altogether superfluous at any rate, as he himself +was heir-in-law to his sister's whole real and personal estate. +But she insisted on his compliance with such determined obstinacy, +that he could no longer resist her importunities; and, a arriving, +she dictated and executed her will, in which she bequeathed +to Commodore Trunnion one thousand pounds, to purchase a mourning +ring, which she hoped he would wear as a pledge of her friendship +and affection. Her brother, though he did not much relish this +testimony of her love, nevertheless that same evening gave an +account of this particular to Mr. Hatchway, who was also, as Mr. +Pickle assured him, generously remembered by the testatrix. + +The lieutenant, fraught with this piece of intelligence, watched +for an opportunity; and as soon as he perceived the commodore's +features a little unbended from that ferocious contraction they +had retained so long, ventured to inform him that Pickle's sister +lay at the point of death, and that she had left him a thousand +pounds in her will. This piece of news overwhelmed him with confusion; +and Mr. Hatchway, imputing his silence to remorse, resolved to take +advantage of that favourable moment, and counselled him to go and +visit the poor young woman, who was dying for love of him. But his +admonition happened to be somewhat unseasonable. Trunnion no sooner +heard him mention the cause of her disorder, than his morosity +recurring, he burst out into a violent fit of cursing, and forthwith +betook himself again to his hammock, where he lay, uttering, in a +low growling tone of voice, a repetition of oaths and imprecations, +for the space of four-and-twenty hours, without ceasing. This +was a delicious meal to the lieutenant, who, eager to enhance the +pleasure of the entertainment, and at the same the conduce to the +success of the cause he had espoused, invented a stratagem, the +execution of which had all the effect he could desire. He prevailed +on Pipes, who was devoted to his service, to get on the top of the +chimney, belonging to the commodore's chamber, at midnight, and +lower down by a rope a bunch of stinking whitings, which being +performed, he put a speaking-trumpet to his mouth, and hallooed +down the vent, in a voice like thunder, "Trunnion! Trunnion! turn +out and be spliced, or he still and be d--." + +This dreadful note, the terror of which was increased by the silence +and darkness of the night, as well as the cello of the passage +through which it was conveyed, no sooner reached the ears of the +astonished commodore, than turning his eyes towards the place from +whence this solemn address seemed to proceed, he beheld a glittering +object that vanished in an instant. Just as his superstitious +fear had improved the apparition into some supernatural messenger +clothed in shining array, his opinion was confirmed by a sudden +explosion, which he took for thunder, though it was no other than +the noise of a pistol fired down the chimney by the boatswain's +mate, according to the instructions he had received; and he had +time enough to descend before he was in any danger of being detected +by his commodore, who could not for an hour recollect himself from +the amazement and consternation which had overpowered his faculties. + +At length, however, he got up, and rang his bell with great agitation. +He repeated the summons more than once; but no regard being paid +to this alarm, his dread returned with double terror, a cold sweat +bedewed his limbs, his knees knocked together, his hair bristled +up, and the remains of his teeth were shattered in pieces in the +convulsive vibrations of his jaws. + +In the midst of this agony he made one desperate effort, and, bursting +open the door of apartment, bolted into Hatchway's chamber, which +happened to be on the same floor. There he found the lieutenant in +a counterfeit swoon, who pretended to wake from his trance in an +ejaculation of "Lord have mercy upon us!" and being questioned by +the terrified commodore with regard to what had happened, assured +him he had heard the same voice and clap of thunder by which Trunnion +himself had been discomposed. + +Pipes, whose turn it was to watch, concurred in giving evidence +to the same purpose; and the commodore not only owned that he had +heard the voice, but likewise communicated his vision, with all +the aggravation which his disturbed fancy suggested. + +A consultation immediately ensued, in which Mr. Hatchway gravely +observed that the finger of Heaven was plainly perceivable in those +signals, and that it would be both sinful and foolish to disregard +its commands, especially as the match proposed was, in all respects, +more advantageous than any that one of his years could reasonably +expect; declaring that for his own part he would not endanger his +soul and body by living one day longer under the same roof with a +man who despised the will of Heaven; and Tom Pipes adhered to the +same pious resolution. + +Trunnion's perseverance could not resist the number and diversity +of considerations that assaulted it; he revolved in silence all +the opposite motives that occurred to his reflection; and after +having been, to all appearance, bewildered in the labyrinth of his +own thoughts, he wiped the sweat from his forehead, and, heaving +a piteous groan, yielded to their remonstrances in these words: +"Well, since it must be so, I think we must ev'n grapple. But d-- +my eyes! 'tis a d--d hard case that a fellow of my years should +be compelled, d'ye see, to beat up to windward all the rest of my +life against the current of my own inclination." + +This important article being discussed, Mr. Hatchway set out in +the morning to visit the despairing shepherdess, and was handsomely +rewarded for the enlivening tidings with which he blessed her +ears. Sick as she was, she could not help laughing heartily at the +contrivance, in consequence of which her swain's assent had been +obtained, and gave the lieutenant ten guineas for Tom Pipes, in +consideration of the part he acted in the farce. + +In the afternoon the commodore suffered himself to be conveyed to +her apartment, like a felon to execution, and was received by her +in a languishing manner, and genteel dishabille, accompanied by +her sister-in-law, who was, for very obvious reasons, extremely +solicitous about her success. Though the lieutenant had tutored +him touching his behaviour it this interview, he made a thousand +wry faces before he could pronounce the simple salutation of "How +d'ye?" to his mistress; and after his counsellor had urged him with +twenty or thirty whispers, to each of which he had replied aloud, +"D-- your eyes, I won't," he got up, and halting towards the couch +on which Mrs. Grizzle reclined in a state of strange expectation, +he seized her hand and pressed it to his lips; but this piece +of gallantry he performed in such a reluctant, uncouth, indignant +manner, that the nymph had need of all her resolution to endure the +compliment without shrinking; and he himself was so disconcerted +at what he had done, that he instantly retired to the other end of +the room, where he sat silent, and broiled with shame and vexation. + +Mrs. Pickle, like a sensible matron, quitted the place, on pretence +of going to the nursery; and Mr. Hatchway, taking the hint, +recollected that he had left his tobacco-pouch in the parlour, whither +he descended, leaving the two lovers to their mutual endearments. +Never had the commodore found himself in such a disagreeable dilemma +before. He sat in an agony of suspense, as if he every moment +dreaded the dissolution of nature; and the imploring sighs of his +future bride added, if possible, to the pangs of his distress. +Impatient of this situation, he rolled his eye around in quest +of some relief, and, unable to contain himself, exclaimed, "D--n +seize the fellow and his pouch too! I believe he has sheered off, +and left me here in the stays." + +Mrs. Grizzle, who could not help taking some notice of this manifestation +of chagrin, lamented her unhappy fate in being so disagreeable to +him, that he could not put up with her company for a few moments +without repining; and began in very tender terms to reproach him +with his inhumanity and indifference. To this expostulation he +replied, "Zounds! what would the woman have? Let the parson do his +office when he wool: here I am ready to be reeved in the matrimonial +block, d'ye see, and d-- all nonsensical palaver." So saying, he +retreated, leaving his mistress not at all disobliged at his plain +dealing. That same evening the treaty of marriage was brought upon +the carpet, and, by means of Mr. Pickle and the lieutenant, settled +to the satisfaction of all parties, without the intervention of +lawyers, whom Mr. Trunnion expressly excluded from all share in +the business; making that condition the indispensable preliminary +of the whole agreement. Things being brought to this bearing, Mrs. +Grizzle's heart dilated with joy; her health, which, by the bye, +was never dangerously impaired. she recovered as if by enchantment; +and, a day being fixed for the nuptials, employed the short period +of her celibacy in choosing ornaments for the celebration of her +entrance into the married state. + + + + + +CHAPTER VIII. + + + + +Preparations are made for the Commodore's Wedding, which is delayed +by an Accident that hurried him the Lord knows whither. + + +The fame of this extraordinary conjunction spread all over the +county; and, on the day appointed for their spousals, the church +was surrounded by an inconceivable multitude. The commodore, to give +a specimen of his gallantry, by the advice of his friend Hatchway, +resolved to appear on horseback on the grand occasion, at the head of +all his male attendants, whom he had rigged with the white shirts +and black caps formerly belonging to his barge's crew; and he +bought a couple of hunters for the accommodation of himself and his +lieutenant. With this equipage, then, he set out from the garrison +for the church, after having despatched a messenger to apprise the +bride that he and his company were mounted. She got immediately +into the coach, accompanied by her brother and his wife, and drove +directly to the place of assignation, where several pews were +demolished, and divers persons almost pressed to death, by the +eagerness of the crowd that broke in to see the ceremony performed. +Thus arrived at the altar, and the priest in attendance, they waited +a whole half-hour for the commodore, at whose slowness they began +to be under some apprehension, and accordingly dismissed a servant +to quicken his pace. The valet having ridden something more than +a mile, espied the whole troop disposed in a long field, crossing +the road obliquely, and headed by the bridegroom and his friend +Hatchway, who, finding himself hindered by a hedge from proceeding +farther in the same direction, fired a pistol, and stood over to +the other side, making an obtuse angle with the line of his former +course; and the rest of the squadron followed his example, keeping +always in the rear of each other, like a flight of wild geese. + +Surprised at this strange method of journeying, the messenger came +up, and told the commodore that his lady and her company expected +him in the church, where they had tarried a considerable time, +and were beginning to be very uneasy at his delay, and therefore +desired he would proceed with more expedition. To this message Mr. +Trunnion replied, "Hark ye, brother, don't you see we make all +possible speed? go back, and tell those who sent you, that the +wind has shifted since we weighed anchor, and that we are obliged +to make very short trips in tacking, by reason of the narrowness +of the channel; and that as we be within six points of the wind, +they must make some allowance for variation and leeway."--"Lord, +sir!" said the valet, "what occasion have you to go zig-zag in +that manner? Do but clap spurs to your horses, and ride straight +forward, and I'll engage yea shall be at the church-porch in +less than a quarter of an hour."-"What? right in the wind's eye?" +answered the commodore; "ahey! brother, where did you learn your +navigation? Hawser Trunnion is not to be taught at this time of day +how to lie his course, or keep his own reckoning. And as for you, +brother, you best know the trim of your own frigate." + +The courier, finding he had to do with people who would not be +easily persuaded out of their own opinions, returned to the temple, +and made a report of what he had seen and heard, to the no small +consolation of the bride, who had begun to discover some signs of +disquiet. Composed, however, by this piece of intelligence, she +exerted her patience for the space of another half-hour, during which +period, seeing no bridegroom arrive, she was exceedingly alarmed; +so that all the spectators could easily perceive her perturbation, +which manifested itself in frequent palpitations, heart-heavings, +and alterations of countenance, in spite of the assistance of a +smelling-bottle which she incessantly applied to her nostrils. + +Various were the conjectures of the company on this occasion: some +imagined he had mistaken the place of rendezvous, as he had never +been at church since he first settled in that parish; others +believed he had met with some accident, in consequence of which +his attendants had carried him back to his own house; and a third +set, in which the bride herself was thought to be comprehended, +could not help suspecting that the commodore had changed his mind. +But all these suppositions, ingenious as they were, happened to be +wide of the true cause that detained him, which was no other than +this: the commodore and his crew had, by dint of turning, almost +weathered the parson's house that stood to windward of the church, +when the notes of a pack of hounds unluckily reached the ears of +the two hunters which Trunnion and the lieutenant bestrode. These +fleet animals no sooner heard the enlivening sound, than, eager for +the chase, they sprang away all of a sudden, and strained every +nerve to partake of the sport, flew across the fields with incredible +speed, overleaped hedges and ditches, and everything in their way, +without the least regard to their unfortunate riders. The lieutenant, +whose steed had got the heels of the other, finding it would be +great folly and presumption in him to pretend to keep the saddle +with his wooden leg, very wisely took the opportunity of throwing +himself off in his passage through a field of rich clover, among +which he lay at his ease; and seeing his captain advancing, at +full gallop, hailed him with the salutation of "What cheer? Ho!" +The commodore, who was in infinite distress, eyeing him askance as +he passed, replied, with a faltering voice, "0, d-- ye!--you are +safe at an anchor. I wish to God I were as fast moored." + +Nevertheless, conscious of his disabled heel, he would not venture +to try the experiment which had succeeded so well with Hatchway but +resolved to stick as close as possible to his horse's back, until +Providence should interpose in his behalf. With this view he dropped +his whip, and with his right hand laid fast hold on the pommel, +contracting every muscle in his body to secure himself in the seat, +and grinning most formidably in consequence of this exertion. In +this attitude he was hurried on a considerable way, when all of +a sudden his view was comforted by a five-bar gate that appeared +before him, as he never doubted that there the career of his hunter +must necessarily end. But, alas! he reckoned without his host. Far +from halting at this obstruction, the horse sprang over it with +amazing agility, to the utter confusion and disorder of his owner, +who lost his hat and periwig in the leap, and now began to think, +in good earnest, that he was actually mounted on the back of the +devil. He recommended himself to God; his reflections forsook +him; his eyesight and all his other senses failed; he quitted the +reins, and fastening by instinct on the mane, was in this condition +conveyed into the midst of the sportsmen, who were astonished at +the sight of such an apparition. Neither was their surprise to be +wondered at, if we reflect on the figure that presented itself to +their view. The commodore's person was at all times an object of +admiration; much more so on this occasion, when every singularity +was aggravated by the circumstances of his dress and disaster. + +He had put on, in honour of his nuptials, his best coat of blue +broad-cloth, cut by a tailor of Ramsgate, and trimmed with five +dozen of brass buttons large and small; his breeches were of the +same piece, fastened at the knees with large bunches of tape; his +waistcoat was of red plush lappelled with green velvet, and garnished +with vellum holes; his boots bore an infinite resemblance, both in +colour and shape, to a pair of leather buckets; his shoulder was +graced with a broad buff belt, from whence depended a huge hanger +with a hilt like that of a backsword; and on each side of his pommel +appeared a rusty pistol rammed in a case covered with a bearskin. +The loss of his tie-periwig and laced hat, which were curiosities +of the kind, did not at all contribute to the improvement of the +picture, but, on the contrary, by exhibiting his bald pate, and +the natural extension of his lantern jaws, added to the peculiarity +and extravagance of the whole. + +Such a spectacle could not have failed of diverting the whole company +from the chase had his horse thought proper to pursue a different +route; but the beast was too keen a sporter to choose any other way +than that which the stag followed and therefore, without stopping +to gratify the curiosity of the spectators, he in a few minutes +outstripped every hunter in the field. There being a deep hollow +betwixt him and the hounds, rather than ride round, about the +length of a furlong, in a path that crossed the lane, he transported +himself at one jump, to the unspeakable astonishment and terror of +a waggoner who chanced to be underneath, and saw this phenomenon +fly over his carriage. This was not the only adventure he achieved. +The stag, having taken a deep river that lay in his way, every +man directed his course to a bridge in the neighbourhood; but our +bridegroom's courser, despising all such conveniences, plunged +into the stream without hesitation, and swam in a twinkling to the +opposite shore. This sudden immersion into an element of which +Trunnion was properly a native, in all probability helped to +recruit the exhausted spirits of his rider, at his landing on the +other side gave some tokens of sensation, by hallooing aloud for +assistance, which he could not possibly receive, because his horse +still maintained the advantage he had gained, and would not allow +himself to be overtaken. + +In short, after a long chase that lasted several hours, and extended +to a dozen miles at least, he was the first in at the death of the +deer, being seconded by the lieutenant's gelding, which, actuated +by the same spirit, had, without a rider, followed his companion's +example. + +Our bridegroom, finding himself at last brought up, or, in other +words, at the end of his career, took the opportunity of this first +pause, to desire the huntsmen would lend him a hand in dismounting; +and by their condescension, safely placed on the grass, where he +sat staring at the company as they came in, with such wildness of +astonishment in his looks, as if he bad been a creature of another +species, dropped among them from the clouds. + +Before they had fleshed the hounds, however, he recollected himself; +and, seeing one of the sportsmen take a small flask out of his +pocket and apply it to his mouth, judged the cordial to be no other +than neat Cognac, which it really was; and expressing a desire of +participation, was immediately accommodated with a moderate dose, +which perfectly completed his recovery. + +By this time he and his two horses had engrossed the attention of the +whole crowd: while some admired the elegant proportion and uncommon +spirit of the two animals, the rest contemplated the surprising +appearance of their master, whom before they had only seen en +passant; and at length, one of the gentlemen, accosting him very +courteously, signified his wonder at seeing him in such an equipage, +and asked if he had not dropped his companion by the way. "Why look +ye, brother," replied the commodore, "mayhap you think me an odd +sort of a fellow, seeing me in this trim, especially as I have lost +part of my rigging; but this here is the case, d'ye see: I weighed +anchor from my own house this morning, at ten A.M. with fair +weather, and a favourable breeze at south-south-east, being bound +to the next church on the voyage of matrimony: but howsomever, we +had not run down a quarter of a league, when the wind shifting, +blowed directly in our teeth; so that we were forced to tack all +the way, d'ye see, and had almost been up within sight of the port, +when these sons-of-b--s of horses, which I had bought but two days +before (for my own part, I believe they are devils incarnate), +luffed round in a trice, and then, refusing the helm, drove away +like lightning with me and my lieutenant, who soon came to anchor +in an exceeding good berth. As for my own part, I have been carried +over rocks, and quicksands; among which I have pitched away a special +good tie-periwig, and an iron-bound hat; and at last, thank God! +am got into smooth water and safe riding; but if ever I venture my +carcass upon such a hare'um scare'um blood-of-a-b-- again, my name +is not Hawser Trunnion, d-- my eyes!" + +One of the company, struck with this name, which lie had often +heard, immediately laid hold on his declaration at the close of +this singular account, and, observing that his horses were very +vicious, asked how he intended to return. "As for that matter," +replied Mr. Trunnion, "I am resolved to hire a sledge or waggon, +or such a thing as a jackass; for I'll be d--d if ever I cross the +back of a horse again."--"And what do you propose to do with these +creatures?" said the other, pointing to the hunters; "they seem to +have some mettle; but then they are mere colts, and will take the +devil-and-all of breaking: methinks this hinder one is +shoulder-slipped."--"D-- them," cried the commodore, "I +wish both their necks were broke, thof the two cost me forty good +yellow-boys.".-"Forty guineas!" exclaimed the stranger, who was +a squire and a jockey, as well as owner of the pack, "Lord! Lord! +how a man may be imposed upon! Why, these cattle are clumsy enough +to go to plough; mind what a flat counter; do but observe how sharp +this here one is in the withers; then he's fired in the further +fetlock." In short, this connoisseur in horse-flesh, having +discovered in them all the defects which can possibly be found in +this species of animal, offered to give him ten guineas for the +two, saying he would convert them into beasts of burden. The owner, +who, after what had happened, was very well disposed to listen to +anything that was said to their prejudice, implicitly believed the +truth of the stranger's asseverations, discharged a furious volley +of oaths against the rascal who had taken him in, and forthwith +struck a bargain with the squire, who paid him instantly for his +purchase; in consequence of which he won the plate at the next +Canterbury races. + +This affair being transacted to the mutual satisfaction of both +parties, as well as to the general entertainment of the company, +who laughed in their sleeves at the dexterity of their friend, +Trunnion was set upon the squire's own horse, and led by his servant +in the midst of this cavalcade, which proceeded to a neighbouring +village, where they had bespoke dinner, and where our bridegroom +found means to provide himself with another hat and wig. With +regard to his marriage, he bore his disappointment with the temper +of a philosopher; and the exercise he had undergone having quickened +his appetite, sat down at table in the midst of his new acquaintance, +making a very hearty meal, and moistening every morsel with a +draught of the ale, which he found very much to his satisfaction. + + + + + +CHAPTER IX. + + + + +He is found by Lieutenant--Reconducted to his own House--Married +to Mrs. Grizzle, who meets with a small misfortune in the Night, +and asserts her Prerogative next Morning, in consequence of which +her Husband's Eye is endangered. + + +Meanwhile Lieutenant Hatchway made shift to hobble to the church, +where he informed the company of what had happened to the commodore: +and the bride behaved with great decency on the occasion; for, as +she understood the danger to which her future husband was exposed, +she fainted in the arms of her sister-in-law, to the surprise of all +the spectators, who could not comprehend the cause of her disorder; +and when she was recovered by the application of smelling-bottles, +earnestly begged that Mr. Hatchway and Tom Pipes should take her +brother's coach, and go in quest of their commander. + +This task they readily undertook, being escorted by all the rest of +his adherents on horseback; while the bride and her friends were +invited to the parson's horse, and the ceremony deferred till +another occasion. + +The lieutenant, steering his course as near the line of direction +in which Trunnion went off, as the coach-road would permit, got +intelligence of his track from one farm-house to another; for such +an apparition could not fail of attracting particular notice; and +one of the horsemen having picked up his hat and wig in a by-path, +the whole troop entered the village where he was lodged, about +four o'clock in the afternoon. When they understood he was safely +housed at the George, they rode up to the door in a body, and +expressed their satisfaction in three cheers; which were returned +by the company within, as soon as they were instructed in the +nature of the salute by Trunnion, who, by this time, had entered +into all the jollity of his new friends, and was indeed more than +half-seas-over. The lieutenant was introduced to all present as +his sworn brother, and had something tossed up for his dinner. Tom +Pipes and the crew were regaled in another room; and, a fresh pair +of horses being put to the coach, about six in the evening the +commodore, with all his attendants, departed for the garrison, +after having shook hands with every individual in the house. + +Without any further accident, he was conveyed in safety to his own +gate before nine, and committed to the care of Pipes, who carried +him instantly to his hammock, while the lieutenant was driven away +to the place where the bride and her friends remained in great +anxiety, which vanished when he assured them that his commodore +was safe, being succeeded by abundance of mirth and pleasantry at +the account he gave of Trunnion's adventure. + +Another day was fixed for the nuptials; and in order to balk the +curiosity of idle people, which had given great offence, the parson +was prevailed upon to perform the ceremony in the garrison, which +all that day was adorned with flags and pendants displayed; and at +night illuminated, by the direction of Hatchway, who also ordered +the patereroes to be fired, as soon as the marriage-knot was tied. +Neither were the other parts of the entertainment neglected by this +ingenious contriver, who produced undeniable proofs of his elegance +and art in the wedding-supper, which had been committed to his +management and direction. This genial banquet was entirely composed +of sea-dishes; a huge pillaw, consisting of a large piece of beef +sliced, a couple of fowls, and half a peck of rice, smoked in the +middle of the board: a dish of hard fish, swimming in oil, appeared at +each end; the sides being furnished with a mess of that savoury +composition known by the name of lub's-course, and a plate +of salmagundy. The second course displayed a goose of a monstrous +magnitude, flanked with two Guinea-hens, a pig barbacued, a hock +of salt pork, in the midst of a pease-pudding, a leg of mutton +roasted, with potatoes, and another boiled, with yams. The third +service was made up of a loin of fresh pork, with apple-sauce, a +kid smothered with onions, and a terrapin baked in the shell; and +last of all, a prodigious sea-pie was presented, with an infinite +volume of pancakes and fritters. That everything might be answerable +to the magnificence of this delicate feast, he had provided vast +quantifies of strong beer, flip, rumbo, and burnt brandy, with +plenty of Barbadoes water for the ladies; and hired all the fiddles +within six miles, which, with the addition of a drum, bagpipe, and +Welsh harp, regaled the guests with a most melodious concert. + +The company, who were not at all exceptions, seemed extremely well +pleased with every particular of the entertainment; and the evening +being spent in the most social manner, the bride was by her sister +conducted to her apartment, where, however, a trifling circumstance +had like to have destroyed the harmony which had been hitherto +maintained. + +I have already observed, that there was not one standing bed within +the walls; therefore the reader will not wonder that Mrs. Trunnion +was out of humour, when she found herself under the necessity of +being confined with her spouse in a hammock, which, though enlarged +with a double portion of canvas, and dilated with a yoke for the +occasion, was at best but a disagreeable, not to say dangerous +situation. She accordingly complained with some warmth of this +inconvenience, which she imputed to disrespect; and, at first, +absolutely refused to put up with the expedient; but Mrs. Pickle +soon brought her to reason and compliance, by observing that one +night will soon be elapsed, and next day she might regulate her +own economy. + +Thus persuaded, she ventured into the vehicle, and was visited by +her husband in less than an hour, the company being departed to their +own homes, and the garrison left to the command of his lieutenant +and mate. But it seems the hooks that supported this swinging couch +were not calculated for the addition of weight which they were +now destined to bear; and therefore gave way in the middle of the +night, to the no small terror of Mrs. Trunnion, who perceiving +herself falling, screamed aloud, and by that exclamation brought +Hatchway with a light into the chamber. Though she had received +no injury by the fall, she was extremely discomposed and incensed +at the accident, which she even openly ascribed to the obstinacy +and whimsical oddity of the commodore, in such petulant terms as +evidently declared that she thought her great aim accomplished, and +her authority secured against all the shocks of fortune. Indeed her +bedfellow seemed to be of the same opinion, by his tacit resignation; +for he made no reply to her insinuations, but with a most vinegar +aspect crawled out of his nest, and betook himself to rest in another +apartment; while his irritated spouse dismissed the lieutenant, and +from the wreck of the hammock made an occasional bed for herself +on the floor, fully determined to provide better accommodation for +the next night's lodging. + +Having no inclination to sleep, her thoughts, during the remaining +part of the night, were engrossed by a scheme of reformation she +was resolved to execute in the family; and no sooner did the first +lark bid salutation to the morn, than, starting from her humble +couch, and huddling on her clothes, she sallied from her chamber, +explored her way through paths before unknown, and in the course +of her researches perceived a large bell, to which she made such +effectual application as alarmed every soul in the family. In a +moment she was surrounded by Hatchway, Pipes, and all the rest of +the servants half-dressed; but seeing none of the feminine gender +appear, she began to storm at the sloth and laziness of the maids, +who, she observed, ought to have been at work an hour at least +before she called; and then, for the first time, understood that +no woman was permitted to sleep within the walls. + +She did not fail to exclaim against this regulation; and being informed +that the cook and chambermaid lodged in a small office-house that +stood without the gate, ordered the drawbridge to be let down, +and in person beat up their quarters, commanding them forthwith to +set about scouring the rooms, which had not been hitherto kept in +a very decent condition, while two men were immediately employed +to transport the bed on which she used to lie from her brother's +house to her new habitation; so that, in less than two hours, +the whole economy of the garrison was turned topsy-turvy, and +everything involved in tumult and noise. Trunnion, being disturbed +and distracted with the uproar, turned out in his shirt like +a maniac, and, arming himself with a cudgel of crab-tree, made an +irruption into his wife's apartment, where, perceiving a couple of +carpenters at work in joining a bedstead, he, with many dreadful +oaths and opprobrious invectives, ordered them to desist, swearing +he would suffer no bulkheads nor hurricane-houses to stand where +he was master: but finding his remonstrances disregarded by these +mechanics, who believed him to be some madman belonging to the +family, who had broken from his confinement, he assaulted them +both with great fury and indignation, and was handled so roughly, +in the encounter, that in a very short time he measured his length +on the floor, in consequence of a blow that he received from a hammer +by which the sight of his remaining eye was grievously endangered. + +Having thus reduced him to a state of subjection, they resolved +to secure him with cords, and were actually busy in adjusting his +fetters, when he was exempted from the disgrace by the accidental +entrance of his spouse, who rescued him from the hands of +his adversaries, and, in the midst of her condolence, imputed his +misfortune to the inconsiderate roughness of his own disposition. + +He breathed nothing but revenge, and made some efforts to chastise +the insolence of the workmen, who, as soon as they understood +his quality, asked forgiveness for what they had done with great +humility, protesting that they did not know he was master of the +house. But, far from being satisfied with this apology, he groped +about for the bell, the inflammation of his eye having utterly +deprived him of sight; and the rope being, by the precaution of +the delinquents, conveyed out of his reach, began to storm with +incredible vociferation, like a lion roaring in the toil, pouring +forth innumerable oaths and execrations, and calling by name Hatchway +and Pipes, who, being within hearing, obeyed the extraordinary +summons, and were ordered to put the carpenters in irons, for having +audaciously assaulted him in his own house. + +His myrmidons, seeing he had been evil-treated, were exasperated +at the insult he had suffered, which they considered as an affront +upon the dignity of the garrison; the more so as the mutineers seemed +to put themselves in a posture of defence and set their authority +at defiance; they therefore unsheathed their cutlasses, which +they commonly wore as badges of their commission; and a desperate +engagement in all probability would have ensued, had not the +lady of the castle interposed, and prevented the effects of their +animosity, by assuring the lieutenant that the commodore had been +the aggressor, and that the workmen, finding themselves attacked in +such an extraordinary manner, by a person whom they did not know, +were obliged to act in their own defence, by which he had received +that unlucky contusion. + +Mr. Hatchway no sooner learnt the sentiments of Mrs. Trunnion, than, +sheathing his indignation, he told the commodore he should always +be ready to execute his lawful commands; but that he could not +in conscience be concerned in oppressing poor people who had been +guilty of no offence. + +This unexpected declaration, together with the behaviour of his +wife, who in his hearing desired the carpenters to resume their +work, filled the breast of Trunnion with rage and mortification. +He pulled off his woollen night-cap, pummeled his bare pate, beat +the floor alternately with his feet, swore his people had betrayed +him, and cursed himself to the lowest pit of hell for having admitted +such a cockatrice into his family. But all these exclamations did +not avail; they were among the last essays of his resistance to the +will of his wife, whose influence among his adherents had already +swallowed up his own, and peremptorily told him that he must leave +the management of everything within-doors to her, who understood best +what was for his honour and advantage. She then ordered a poultice +to be prepared for his eye, which being applied, he was committed +to the care of Pipes, by whom he was led about the house like +a blind bear growling for prey, while his industrious yoke-fellow +executed every circumstance of the plan she had projected; so that +when he recovered his vision he was an utter stranger in his own +house. + + + + + +CHAPTER X. + + + + +The Commodore being in some cases restive, his Lady has recourse to +Artifice in the Establishment of her Throne--She exhibits Symptoms +of Pregnancy, to the unspeakable joy of Trunnion, who, nevertheless, +is balked in his expectation. + + +These innovations were not effected without many loud objections +on his part; and divers curious dialogues passed between him and +his yoke-fellow, who always came off victorious from the dispute; +insomuch, that his countenance gradually fell: he began to suppress, +and at length entirely devoured, his chagrin; the terrors of superior +authority were plainly perceivable in his features; and in less +than three months he became a thorough-paced husband. Not that his +obstinacy was extinguished, though overcome. In some things he was +as inflexible and mulish as ever; but then he durst not kick so +openly, and was reduced to the necessity of being passive in his +resentments. Mrs. Trunnion, for example, proposed that a coach and +six should be purchased, as she could not ride on horseback, and +the chaise was a scandalous carriage for a person of her condition. +The commodore, conscious of his own inferior capacity in point of +reasoning, did not think proper to dispute the proposal but lent a +deaf ear to her repeated remonstrances, though they were enforced +with every argument which she thought could soothe, terrify, shame +or decoy him into compliance. In vain did she urge the excess of +affection she had for him as meriting some return of tenderness +and condescension: he was even proof against certain menacing hints +she gave touching the resentment of a slighted woman; and he stood +out against all the considerations of dignity or disgrace like a +bulwark of brass. Neither was he moved to any indecent or unkind +expressions of contradiction, even when she upbraided him with his +sordid disposition, and put him in mind of the fortune and honour +he had acquired by his marriage, but seemed to retire within himself, +like a tortoise when attacked, that shrinks within its shell, and +silently endured the scourge of her reproaches, without seeming +sensible of the smart. + +This, however, was the only point in which she had been baffled since +her nuptials; and as she could by no means digest the miscarriage, +she tortured her invention for some new plan by which she might +augment her influence and authority. What her genius refused was +supplied by accident; for she had not lived four months in the +garrison, when she was seized with frequent qualms and retchings; +in a word, she congratulated herself on the symptoms of her own +fertility; and the commodore was transported with joy at the prospect +of an heir of his own begetting. + +She knew this was the proper season for vindicating her own +sovereignty, and accordingly employed the means which nature had +put in her power. There was not a rare piece of furniture or apparel +for which she did not long; and one day, as she went to church, +seeing Lady Stately's equipage arrive, she suddenly fainted away. +Her husband, whose vanity had never been so perfectly gratified +as with this promised harvest of his own sowing, took the alarm +immediately; and in order to prevent relapses of that kind, which +might be attended with fatal consequence to his hope, gave her leave +to bespeak a coach, horses, and liveries, to her own liking. Thus +authorized, she in a very little time exhibited such a specimen +of her own taste and magnificence as afforded speculation to the +whole country, and made Trunnion's heart quake within him; because +he foresaw no limits to her extravagance which also manifested +itself in the most expensive preparations for her lying-in. + +Her pride, which had hitherto regarded the representative of her +father's house, seemed now to lose all that hereditary respect, +and prompt her to outshine and undervalue the elder branch of her +family. She behaved to Mrs. Pickle with a sort of civil reserve +that implied a conscious superiority; and an emulation in point of +grandeur immediately commenced between the two sisters. She every +day communicated her importance to the whole parish, under pretence +of taking the air in her coach, and endeavoured to extend her +acquaintance among people of fashion. Nor was this an undertaking +attended with great difficulty, for all persons whatever capable of +maintaining a certain appearance, will always find admission into +what is called the best company, and be rated in point of character +according to their own valuation, without subjecting their pretensions +to the smallest doubt or examination. In all her visits and parties +she seized every opportunity of declaring her present condition, +observing that she was forbid by her physicians to taste such a +pickle, and that such a dish was poison to a woman in her way; nay, +where she was on a footing of familiarity, she affected to make +wry faces, and complained that the young rogue began to be very +unruly, writhing herself into divers contortions, as if she had +been grievously incommoded by the mettle of this future Trunnion. +The husband himself did not behave with all the moderation that +might have been expected. At the club he frequently mentioned this +circumstance of his own vigour as a pretty successful feat to be +performed by an old fellow of fifty-five, and confirmed the opinion +of his strength by redoubled squeezes of the landlord's hand, which +never failed of extorting a satisfactory certificate of his might. +When his companions drank to the Hans en kelder, or Jack in the low +cellar, he could not help displaying an extraordinary complacence +of countenance, and signified his intention of sending the young +dog to sea as soon as he should be able to carry a cartridge, in +hopes of seeing him an officer before his own death. + +This hope helped to console him under the extraordinary expense to +which he was exposed by the profusion of his wife, especially when +he considered that his compliance with her prodigality would be +limited to the expiration of the nine months, of which the best part +was by this time elapsed: yet, in spite of all this philosophical +resignation, her fancy sometimes soared to such a ridiculous +and intolerable pitch of insolence and absurdity, that his temper +forsook him, and he could not help wishing in secret that her +pride might be confounded in the dissipation of her most flattering +hopes, even though he himself should be a principal sufferer by the +disappointment. These, however, were no other than the suggestions +of temporary disgusts, that commonly subsided as suddenly as they +arose, and never gave the least disturbance to the person who +inspired them, because he took care to conceal them carefully from +her knowledge. + +Meanwhile she happily advanced in her reckoning, with the promise +of a favourable issue: the term of her computation expired, and in +the middle of the night she was visited by certain warnings that +seemed to bespeak the approach of the critical moment. The commodore +got up with great alacrity, and called the midwife, who had been +several days in the house; the gossips were immediately summoned, +and the most interesting expectations prevailed; but the symptoms +of labour gradually vanished, and as the matrons sagely observed, +this was no more than a false alarm. + +Two nights after they received a second intimation, and as she was +sensibly diminished in the waist, everything was supposed to be +in a fair way; yet this visitation was not more conclusive than +the former; her pains wore off in spite of all her endeavours +to encourage them, and the good women betook themselves to their +respective homes, in expectation of finding the third attack +decisive, alluding to the well-known maxim, that "number three is +always fortunate." For once, however, this apophthegm failed; the +next call was altogether as ineffectual as the former; and moreover, +attended with a phenomenon which to them was equally strange and +inexplicable: this was no other than such a reduction in the size +of Mrs. Trunnion as might have been expected after the birth of a +full-grown child. Startled at such an unaccountable event, they sat +in close divan; and concluding that the case was in all respects +unnatural and prodigious, desired that a messenger might be immediately +despatched for some male practitioner in the art of midwifery. + +The commodore, without guessing the cause of her perplexity, ordered +Pipes immediately on this piece of duty, and in less than two hours +they were assisted by the advice of a surgeon of the neighbourhood, +who boldly affirmed that the patient had never been with child. +This asseveration was like a clap of thunder to Mr. Trunnion, who +had been, during eight whole days and nights, in continual expectation +of being hailed with the appellation of father. + +After some recollection, he swore the surgeon was an ignorant +fellow, and that he would not take his word for what he advanced, +being comforted and confirmed in his want of faith by the insinuations +of the midwife, who still persisted to feed Mrs. Trunnion with +hopes of a speedy and safe delivery; observing that she had been +concerned in many a case of the same nature, where a fine child +was found, even after all signs of the mother's pregnancy had +disappeared. Every twig of hope, how slender soever it may be, is +eagerly caught hold on by people who find themselves in danger of +being disappointed. To every question proposed by her to the lady, +with the preambles of "Han't you?" or "Don't you?" answer was made +in the affirmative, whether agreeable to truth or not, because the +respondent could not find in her heart to disown any symptom that +might favour the notion she had so long indulged. + +This experienced proficient in the obstetric art was therefore +kept in close attendance for the space of three weeks, during which +the patient had several returns of what she pleased herself with +believing to be labour pains, till at length, she and her husband +became the standing joke of the parish; and this infatuated couple +could scarce be prevailed upon to part with their hope, even when +she appeared as lank as a greyhound, and they were furnished with +other unquestionable proofs of their having been deceived. But +they could not for ever remain under the influence of this sweet +delusion, which at last faded away, and was succeeded by a paroxysm +of shame and confusion, that kept the husband within-doors for the +space of a whole fortnight, and confined his lady to her bed for a +series of weeks, during which she suffered all the anguish of the +most intense mortification; yet even this was subdued by the lenient +hand of time. + +The first respite from her chagrin was employed in the strict discharge +of what are called the duties of religion, which she performed with +the most rancorous severity, setting on foot a persecution in her +own family, that made the house too hot for all the menial servants, +even ruffled the almost invincible indifference of Tom Pipes, +harassed the commodore himself out of all patience, and spared +no individual but Lieutenant Hatchway, whom she never ventured to +disoblige. + + + + + +CHAPTER XI. + + + + +Mrs. Trunnion erects a Tyranny in the Garrison, while her Husband +conceives an affection for his Nephew Perry, who manifests a +peculiarity of disposition even in his tender years. + + +Having exercised herself three months in such pious amusements, +she appeared again in the world; but her misfortune had made such +an impression on her mind, that she could not bear the sight of a +child, and trembled whenever conversation happened to turn upon a +christening. Her temper, which was naturally none of the sweetest, +seemed to have imbibed a double proportion of souring from her +disappointment; of consequence, her company was not much coveted, +and she found very few people disposed to treat her with those marks +of consideration which she looked upon as her due. This neglect +detached her from the society of an unmannerly world; she concentrated +the energy of all her talents in the government of her own house, +which groaned accordingly under her arbitrary sway; and in the +brandy-bottle found ample consolation for all the affliction she +had undergone. + +As for the commodore, he in a little time weathered his disgrace, +after having sustained many severe jokes from the lieutenant, and +now his chief aim being to be absent from his own house as much +as possible, he frequented the public-house more than ever, more +assiduously cultivated the friendship of his brother-in-law, Mr. +Pickle, and in the course of their intimacy conceived an affection +for his nephew Perry, which did not end but with his life. Indeed +it must be owned that Trunnion was not naturally deficient in +the social passions of the soul, which though they were strangely +warped, disguised, and overborne by the circumstance of his +boisterous life and education, did not fail to manifest themselves +occasionally through the whole course of his behaviour. + +As all the hopes of propagating his own name had perished, and his +relations lay under the interdiction of his hate, it is no wonder +that through the familiarity and friendly intercourse subsisting +between him and Mr. Gamaliel, he contracted a liking for the boy, +who by this time entered the third year of his age, and was indeed +a very handsome, healthy, and promising child; and what seemed to +ingratiate him still more with his uncle, was a certain oddity of +disposition, for which he had been remarkable even from his cradle. +It is reported of him, that before the first year of his infancy +was elapsed, he used very often, immediately after being dressed, +in the midst of the caresses which were bestowed upon him by his +mother, while she indulged herself in the contemplation of her own +happiness, all of a sudden to alarm her with a fit of shrieks and +cries, which continued with great violence till he was stripped +to the skin with the utmost expedition by order of his affrighted +parent, who thought his tender body was tortured by the misapplication +of some unlucky pill; and when he had given them all this disturbance +and unnecessary trouble, he would he sprawling and laughing in their +faces, as if he ridiculed the impertinence of their concern. Nay, +it is affirmed, that one day, when an old woman who attended in +the nursery had by stealth conveyed a bottle of cordial waters to +her mouth, he pulled his nurse by the sleeve, by a slight glance +detected the theft, and tipped her the wink with a particular +slyness of countenance, as if he had said, with a sneer, "Ay, ay, +that is what you must all come to." But these instances of reflection +in a babe nine months old are so incredible, that I look upon them +as observations, founded upon imaginary recollection, when he was +in a more advanced age, and his peculiarities of temper became +much more remarkable; of a piece with the ingenious discoveries +of those sagacious observers, who can discern something evidently +characteristic in the features of any noted personage whose character +they have previously heard explained. Yet without pretending +to specify at what period of his childhood this singularity first +appeared, I can with great truth declare, that when he first attracted +the notice and affection of his uncle, it was plainly perceivable. + +One would imagine he had marked out the commodore as a proper object +of ridicule, for almost all his little childish satire was leveled +against him. I will not deny that he might have been influenced +in this particular by the example and instruction of Mr. Hatchway, +who delighted in superintending the first essays of his genius. As +the gout had taken up its residence in Mr. Trunnion's great toe, +from whence it never removed, no not for a day, little Perry took +great pleasure in treading by accident on this infirm member; +and when his uncle, incensed by the pain, used to damn him for a +hell-begotten brat, he would appease him in a twinkling, by returning +the curse with equal emphasis, and asking what was the matter with +old Hannibal Tough? an appellation by which the lieutenant had +taught him to distinguish this grim commander. + +Neither was this the only experiment he tried upon the patience of +the commodore, with whose nose he used to take indecent freedoms, +even. while he was fondled on his knee. In one month he put him to +the expense of two guineas in seal-skin; by picking his pocket of +divers tobacco-pouches, all of which he in secret committed to the +flames. Nor did the caprice of his disposition abstain from the +favourite beverage of Trunnion, who more than once swallowed a whole +draught in which his brother's snuff-box had been emptied, before +he perceived the disagreeable infusion; and one day, when the +commodore had chastised him by a gentle tap with his cane, he fell +flat on the floor as if he had been deprived of all sense and motion, +to the terror and amazement of the striker; and after having filled +the whole house with confusion and dismay, opened his eyes, and +laughed heartily at the success of his own imposition. + +It would be an endless and perhaps no very agreeable task, to enumerate +all the unlucky pranks he played upon his uncle and others, before +he attained the fourth year of his age; about which time he was +sent, with an attendant, to a day-school in the neighbourhood, that +(to use his good mother's own expression) he might be out of harm's +way. Here, however, he made little progress, except in mischief, +which he practised with impunity, because the school-mistress +would run no risk of disobliging a lady of fortune, by exercising +unnecessary severities upon her only child. Nevertheless, Mrs. Pickle +was not so blindly partial as to be pleased with such unseasonable +indulgence. Perry was taken out of the hands of this courteous +teacher, and committed to the instruction of a pedagogue, who was +ordered to administer such correction as the boy should in his +opinion deserve. This authority he did not neglect to use, his pupil +was regularly flogged twice a day; and after having been subjected +to this course of discipline for the space of eighteen months, +declared the most obstinate, dull, and untoward genius that ever +had fallen under his cultivation; instead of being reformed, he +seemed rather hardened and confirmed in his vicious inclinations, +and was dead to all sense of fear as well as shame. + +His mother was extremely mortified at these symptoms of stupidity, +which she considered as an inheritance derived from the spirit of +his father, and consequently insurmountable by all the efforts of +human care. But the commodore rejoiced over the ruggedness of his +nature, and was particularly pleased when, upon inquiry, he found +that Perry had beaten all the boys in the school; a circumstance +from which he prognosticated everything that was fair and fortunate +in his future fate: observing, that at his age he himself was just +such another. The boy, who was now turned of six, having profited +so little under the birch of his unsparing governor, Mrs. Pickle +was counselled to send him to a boarding-school not far from London, +which was kept by a certain person very eminent for his successful +method of education. This advice she the more readily embraced, +because at that time she found herself pretty far gone with another +child that she hoped would console her for the disappointment she +had met with in the unpromising talents of Perry, or at any rate +divide her concern, so as to enable her to endure the absence of +either. + + + + + +CHAPTER XII. + + + + +Peregrine is sent to a boarding-school--Becomes remarkable for his +Genius and Ambition. + + +The commodore, understanding her determination, to which her husband +did not venture to make the least objection, interested himself +so much in behalf of his favourite, as to fit him out at his own +charge, and accompany him in person to the place of his destination; +where he defrayed the expense of his entrance, and left him to +the particular care and inspection of the usher, who having been +recommended to him as a person of parts and integrity, received +per advance a handsome consideration for the task he undertook. + +Nothing could be better judged than this piece of liberality; the +assistant was actually a man of learning, probity, and good sense; +and though obliged by the scandalous administration of fortune +to act in the character of an inferior teacher, had, by his sole +capacity and application, brought the school to that degree of +reputation, which it never could have obtained from the talents of +its superior. He had established an economy, which, though regular, +was not at all severe, by enacting a body of laws suited to the age +and comprehension of every individual; and each transgressor was +fairly tried by his peers, and punished according to the verdict +of the jury. No boy was scourged for want of apprehension, but +a spirit of emulation was raised by well-timed praise and artful +comparison, and maintained by a distribution of small prizes, which +were adjudged to those who signalized themselves either by their +industry, sobriety, or genius. + +This tutor, whose name was Jennings, began with Perry, according +to his constant maxim, by examining the soil; that is, studying +his temper, in order to consult the bias of his disposition, which +was strangely perverted by the absurd discipline he had undergone. +He found him in a state of sullen insensibility, which the child +had gradually contracted in a long course of stupefying correction; +and at first he was not in the least actuated by that commendation +which animated the rest of his school-fellows; nor was it in the +power of reproach to excite his ambition, which had been buried, +as it were, in the grave of disgrace; the usher, therefore, had +recourse to contemptuous neglect, with which he affected to treat +this stubborn spirit; foreseeing that if he retained any seeds of +sentiment, this weather would infallibly raise them into vegetation; +his judgment was justified by the event; the boy in a little time +began to make observations; he perceived the marks of distinction +with which virtue was rewarded, grew ashamed of the despicable +figure he himself made among his companions, who, far from courting, +rather shunned his conversation, and actually pined at his own want +of importance. + +Mr. Jennings saw and rejoiced at his mortification, which he suffered +to proceed as far as possible, without endangering his health. The +child lost all relish for diversion, loathed his food, grew pensive, +solitary, and was frequently found weeping by himself. These +symptoms plainly evinced the recovery of his feelings, to which his +governor thought it now high time to make application; and therefore +by little and little altered his behaviour from the indifference +he had put on, to the appearance of more regard and attention. This +produced a favourable change in the boy, whose eyes sparkled with +satisfaction one day, when his master expressed himself, with a +show of surprise, in these words: "So, Perry! I find you don't want +genius, when you think proper to use it." Such encomiums kindled +the spirit of emulation in his little breast; he exerted himself +with surprising alacrity, by which he soon acquitted himself of +the imputation of dullness, and obtained sundry honorary silver +pennies, as acknowledgments of his application; his school-fellows now +solicited his friendship as eagerly as they had avoided it before; +and in less than a twelvemonth after his arrival, this supposed +dunce was remarkable for the brightness of his parts; having in +that short period learnt to read English perfectly well, made great +progress in writing, enabled himself to speak the French language +without hesitation, and acquired some knowledge in the rudiments +of the Latin tongue. The usher did not fail to transmit an account +of his proficiency to the commodore, who received it with transport, +and forthwith communicated the happy tidings to the parents. + +Mr. Gamaliel Pickle, who was never subject to violent emotions, +heard them with a sort of phlegmatic satisfaction, that scarce +manifested itself either in his countenance or expressions; nor +did the child's mother break forth into that rapture and admiration +which might have been expected, when she understood how much the +talents of her first-born had exceeded the hope of her warmest +imagination. Not but that she professed herself well pleased with +Perry's reputation; though she observed that in these commendations +the truth was always exaggerated by schoolmasters, for their own +interest; and pretended to wonder that the usher had not mingled +more probability with his praise. Trunnion was offended at her +indifference and want of faith and believing that she refined too +much in her discernment, swore that Jennings had declared the truth, +and nothing but the truth; for he himself had prophesied, from the +beginning, that the boy would turn out a credit to his family. But +by this time Mrs. Pickle was blessed with a daughter, whom she had +brought into the world about six months before the intelligence +arrived; so that her care and affection being otherwise engrossed, +the praise of Perry was the less greedily devoured. The abatement +of her fondness was an advantage to his education, which would +have been retarded, and perhaps ruined, by pernicious indulgence, +and preposterous interposition, had her love considered him as +an only child; whereas her concern being now diverted to another +object, that shared, at least, one-half of her affection, he was +left to the management of his preceptor, who tutored him according +to his own plan, without any let or interruption. Indeed all his +sagacity and circumspection were but barely sufficient to keep the +young gentleman in order; for now that he had won the palm of victory +from his rivals in point of scholarship, his ambition dilated, and +he was seized with the desire of subjecting the whole school by +the valour of his arm. Before he could bring his project to bear, +innumerable battles were fought with various success; every day a +bloody nose and complaint were presented against him, and his own +visage commonly bore some livid marks of obstinate contention. +At length, however, he accomplished his aim; his adversaries were +subdued, his prowess acknowledged, and he obtained the laurel in +war as well is in wit. Thus triumphant, he was intoxicated with +success: his pride rose in proportion to his power and, in spite +of all the endeavours of Jennings, who practised every method he +could invent for curbing his licentious conduct, without depressing +his spirit, he contracted a large proportion of insolence, which +series of misfortunes that happened to him in the sequel could +scarce effectually tame. Nevertheless there was a fund of good +nature and generosity in his composition; and though he established +a tyranny among his comrades, the tranquility of his reign was +maintained by the love rather than by the fear of his subjects. + +In the midst of all this enjoyment of empire he never once violated +that respectful awe with which the usher had found means to inspire +him; but he by no means preserved the same regard for the principal +master, an old illiterate German quack, who had formerly practised +corn-cutting among the quality, and sold cosmetic washes to the +ladies, together with teeth-powders, hair-dyeing liquors, prolific +elixirs, and tinctures to sweeten the breath. These nostrums, +recommended by the art of cringing, in which he was consummate, +ingratiated him so much with people of fashion, that he was enabled +to set up school with five-and-twenty boys of the best families, +whom he boarded on his own terms and undertook to instruct in the +French and Latin languages, so as to qualify them for the colleges +of Westminster and Eton. While this plan was in its infancy, +he was so fortunate as to meet with Jennings, who, for the paltry +consideration of thirty pounds a year, which his necessities compelled +him to accept, took the whole trouble of educating the children +upon himself, contrived an excellent system for that purpose, and, +by his assiduity and knowledge, executed all the particulars to +the entire satisfaction of those concerned, who, by the bye, never +inquired into his qualifications, but suffered the other to enjoy +the fruits of his labour and ingenuity. + +Over and above a large stock of avarice, ignorance, and vanity, +this superior had certain ridiculous peculiarities in his person, +such as a hunch upon his back, and distorted limbs, that seemed to +attract the satirical notice of Peregrine, who, young as he was, +took offence at his want of reverence for his usher, over whom he +sometimes chose opportunities of displaying his authority, that the +boys might not misplace their veneration. Mr. Keypstick, therefore, +such as I have described him, incurred the contempt and displeasure +of this enterprising pupil, who now being in the tenth year of +his age, had capacity enough to give him abundance of vexation. He +underwent many mortifying jokes front the invention of Pickle and +his confederates; so that he began to entertain suspicion of Mr. +Jennings, who he could not help thinking had been at the bottom of +them all, and spirited up principles of rebellion in the school, +with a view of making himself independent. Possessed with this +chimera, which was void of all foundation, the German descended +so low as to tamper in private with the boys, from whom he hoped +to draw some very important discovery; but he was disappointed in +his expectations; and this mean practice reaching the ears of his +usher, he voluntarily resigned his employment. Finding interest +to obtain holy orders in a little time after, he left the kingdom, +hoping to find a settlement in some of our American plantations. + +The departure of Mr. Jennings produced a great revolution in the +affairs of Keypstick, which declined from that moment, because he had +neither authority to enforce obedience, nor prudence to maintain +order among his scholars: so that the school degenerated into +anarchy and confusion, and he himself dwindled in the opinion of +his employers, who looked upon him as superannuated, and withdrew +their children front his tuition. + +Peregrine seeing this dissolution of their society, and finding +himself every day deprived of some companion, began to repine at his +situation, and resolved, if possible, to procure his release from +the jurisdiction of the person whom he both detested and despised. +With this view he went to work, and composed the following billet, +addressed to the commodore, which was the first specimen of his +composition in the epistolary way:-- + + "Honoured and Loving Uncle,--Hoping you are in good health, + this serves to inform you, that Mr. Jennings is gone, and + Mr. Keypstick will never meet with his fellow. The school + is already almost broke up, and the rest daily going away; + and I beg of you of all love to have me fetched away also, + for I cannot bear to be any longer under one who is a perfect + ignoramus, who scarce knows the declination of musa, and is + more fit to be a scarecrow than a schoolmaster; hoping you + will send for me soon, with my love to my aunt, and my duty + to my honoured parents, craving their blessing and yours. And + this is all at present from, honoured uncle, your well-beloved + and dutiful nephew and godson, and humble servant to command + till death, + "Peregrine Pickle." + + +Trunnion was overjoyed at the receipt of this letter, which he +looked upon as one of the greatest efforts of human genius, and as +such communicated the contents to his lady, whom he had disturbed +for the purpose in the middle of her devotion, by sending a message +to her closet, whither it was her custom very frequently to retire. +She was out of humour at being interrupted, and therefore did not +peruse this specimen of her nephew's understanding with all the +relish that the commodore himself had enjoyed; on the contrary, after +sundry paralytical endeavours to speak (for her tongue sometimes +refused its office), she observed that the boy was a pert jackanapes, +and deserved to be severely chastised for treating his betters +with such disrespect. Her husband undertook his godson's defence, +representing with great warmth that he knew Keypstick to be a +good-for-nothing pimping old rascal, and that Perry showed a great +deal of spirit and good sense in desiring to be taken from under +his command; he therefore declared that the boy should not live a +week longer with such a shambling son of a b--, and sanctioned this +declaration with abundance of oaths. + +Mrs. Trunnion, composing her countenance into a look of religions +demureness, rebuked him for his profane way of talking; and asked, +in a magisterial tone, if he intended never to lay aside that brutal +behaviour. Irritated at this reproach, he answered, in terms of +indignation, that he knew how to behave himself as well as e'er a +woman that wore a head, bade her mind her affairs, and with another +repetition of oaths gave her to understand that he would be master +in his own house. + +The insinuation operated upon her spirits like friction upon a glass +globe: her face gleamed with resentment, and every pore seemed to +emit particles of flame. She replied with incredible fluency of +the bitterest expressions: he retorted equal rage in broken hints +and incoherent imprecations: she rejoined with redoubled fury; and +in conclusion he was fain to betake himself to flight, ejaculating +curses against her; and muttering something concerning the +brandy-bottle, which, however, he took care should never reach her +ears. + +From his own house he went directly to visit Mrs. Pickle, to whom +he imparted Peregrine's epistle, with many encomiums upon the +boy's promising parts: and, finding his commendations but coolly +received, desired she would permit him to take his godson under +his own care. + +This lady, whose family was now increased by another son, who seemed +to engross her care for the present, had not seen Perry during +a course of four years, and, with regard to him, was perfectly +weaned of that infirmity known by the name of maternal fondness: +she therefore consented to the commodore's request with great +condescension, and a polite compliment to him on the concern he +had all along manifested for the welfare of the child. + + + + + +CHAPTER XIII. + + + + +The Commodore takes Peregrine under his own care--The Boy arrives +at the Garrison--Is strangely received by his own Mother--Enters +into a Confederacy with Hatchway and Pipes, and executes a couple +of waggish Enterprises upon his Aunt. + + +Trunnion having obtained this permission, that very afternoon +despatched the lieutenant in a post-chaise to Keypstick's house, +from whence in two days he returned with our young hero, who being +now in the eleventh year of his age, had outgrown the expectation +of all his family, and was remarkable for the beauty and elegance +of his person. His godfather was transported at his arrival, as +if he had been actually the issue of his own loins: he shook him +heartily by the hand, turned him round and round, surveyed him +from top to bottom, bade Hatchway take notice how handsomely he +was built; and squeezed his hand again, saying,--"D-- ye, you dog, +I suppose you don't value such an old crazy son of a b-- as me a +rope's end. You have forgot how I was wont to dandle you on my knee, +when you was a little urchin no bigger than a davit, and played a +thousand tricks upon me, burning my 'bacco-pouches and poisoning +my rumbo. O! d-- ye, you can grin fast enough I see; I warrant you +have learnt more things than writing and the Latin lingo." + +Even Tom Pipes expressed uncommon satisfaction on this joyful +occasion; and, coming up to Perry, thrust forth his fore paw, and +accosted him with the salutation of "What cheer, my young master? +I am glad to see thee with all my heart." These compliments being +passed, his uncle halted to the door of his wife's chamber, at which +he stood hallooing, "Here's your kinsman, Perry: belike you won't +come and bid him welcome."--"Lord, Mr. Trunnion," said she, "why +will you continually harass me in this manner with your impertinent +intrusion?"-"I harrow you!" replied the commodore: "'sblood! +I believe your upper works are damaged: I only came to inform you +that here was your cousin, whom you have not seen these four long +years; and I'll be d--d if there is such another of his age within +the king's dominions, d'ye see, either for make or mettle: he's a +credit to the name, d'ye see: but, d-- my eyes, I'll say no more +of the matter: if you come, you may; if you won't, you may let +it alone."--"Well, I won't come, then," answered his yoke-fellow, +"for I am at present more agreeably employed."--"Oho! you are. I +believe so too," cried the commodore, making wry faces and mimicking +the action of dram-drinking. Then, addressing himself to Hatchway, +"Prithee, Jack," said he, "go and try thy skill on that stubborn +hulk: if anybody can bring her about, I know you wool." + +The lieutenant accordingly, taking his station at the door, conveyed +his persuasion in these words: "What, won't you turn out and hail +little Perry? It will do your heart good to see such a handsome +young dog; I'm sure he is the very moral of you, and as like as if +he had been spit out of your own mouth, as the saying is: do show +a little respect for your kinsman, can't you?" To this remonstrance +she replied, in a mild tone of voice, "Dear Mr. Hatchway, you are +always teasing one in such a manner: sure I am, nobody can tax +me with unkindness, or want of natural affection." So saying, she +opened the door, and, advancing to the hall where her nephew stood, +received him very graciously and observed that he was the very +image of her papa. + +In the afternoon he was conducted by the commodore to the house of +his parents; and, strange to tell, no sooner was he presented to +his mother, than her countenance changed, she eyed him with tokens +of affliction and surprise, and, bursting into tears, exclaimed her +child was dead, and this was no other than an impostor whom they +had brought to defraud her sorrow. Trunnion was confounded at this +unaccountable passion, which had no other foundation than caprice +and whim; and Gamaliel himself was so disconcerted and unsettled +in his own belief, which began to waver, that he knew not how +to behave towards the boy, whom his godfather immediately carried +back to the garrison, swearing all the way that Perry should never +cross their threshold again with his good-will. Nay, so much was +he incensed at this unnatural and absurd renunciation, that he +refused to carry on any further correspondence with Pickle, until +he was appeased by his solicitations and submission, and Peregrine +owned as his son and heir. But this acknowledgment was made without +the privity of his wife, whose vicious aversion he was obliged, +in appearance, to adopt. Thus exiled from his father's house, the +young gentleman was left entirely to the disposal of the commodore, +whose affection for him daily increased, insomuch that he could +scarcely prevail upon himself to part with him, when his education +absolutely required that he should be otherwise disposed of. + +In all probability, this extraordinary attachment was, if not +produced, at least riveted by that peculiar turn in Peregrine's +imagination, which we have already observed; and which, during his +residence in the castle, appeared in sundry stratagems he practised +upon his uncle and aunt, under the auspices of Mr. Hatchway who +assisted him in the contrivance and execution of all his schemes. +Nor was Pipes exempted from a share in their undertakings; for, +being a trusty fellow, not without dexterity in some cases, and +altogether resigned to their will, they found him a serviceable +instrument for their purpose, and used him accordingly. + +The first sample of their art was exhibited upon Mrs. Trunnion. +They terrified that good lady with strange noises when she retired +to her devotion. Pipes was a natural genius in the composition of +discords: he could imitate the sound produced by the winding of a +jack, the filing of a saw, and the swinging of a malefactor hanging +in chains; he could counterfeit the braying of an ass, the screeching +of a night-owl, the caterwauling of cats, the howling of a dog, +the squeaking of a pig, the crowing of a cock; and he had learned +the war-whoop uttered by the Indians in North America. These talents +were exerted successively, at different times and places, to the +terror of Mrs. Trunnion, the discomposure of the commodore himself, +and the consternation of all the servants in the castle. Peregrine, +with a sheet over his clothes, sometimes tumbled before his aunt +in the twilight, when her organs of vision were a little impaired +by the cordial she had swallowed; and the boatswain's mate taught +him to shoe cats with walnut-shells, so that they made a most +dreadful clattering in their nocturnal excursions. + +The mind of Mrs. Trunnion was not a little disturbed by these alarms, +which, in her opinion, portended the death of some principal person +in the family; she redoubled her religious exercises, and fortified +her spirits with fresh potations; nay, she began to take notice +that Mr. Trunnion's constitution was very much broken, and seemed +dissatisfied when people observed that they never saw him look +better. Her frequent visits to the closet, where all her consolation +was deposited, inspired the confederates with a device which had +like to have been attended with tragical consequences. They found +an opportunity to infuse jalap in one of her case-bottles; and +she took so largely of this medicine, that her constitution had +well nigh sunk under the violence of its effect. She suffered a +succession of fainting fits that reduced her to the brink of the +grave, in spite of all the remedies that were administered by a +physician, who was called in the beginning of her disorder. + +After having examined the symptoms, he declared that the patient +had been poisoned with arsenic, and prescribed only draughts and +lubricating injections, to defend the coats of the stomach and +intestines from the vellicating particles of that pernicious mineral; +at the same time hinting, with a look of infinite sagacity, that +it was not difficult to divine the whole mystery. He affected to +deplore the poor lady, as if she was exposed to more attempts of the +same nature; thereby glancing obliquely at the innocent commodore, +whom the officious son of Aesculapius suspected as the author of +this expedient, to rid his hands of a yoke-fellow for whom he was +well known to have no great devotion. This impertinent and malicious +insinuation made some impression upon the bystanders, and furnished +ample field for slander to asperse the morals of Trunnion, who was +represented through the whole district as a monster of barbarity. +Nay, the sufferer herself, though she behaved with great decency +and prudence, could not help entertaining some small diffidence +of her husband; not that she imagined he had any design upon her +life, but that he had been at pains to adulterate the brandy with +a view of detaching her from that favourite liquor. + +On this supposition, she resolved to act with more caution for +the future, without setting on foot any inquiry about the affair; +while the commodore, imputing her indisposition to some natural +cause, after the danger was past, never bestowed a thought upon the +subject; so that the perpetrators were quit of their fear, which, +however, had punished them so effectually, that they never would +hazard any more jokes of the same nature. + +The shafts of their wit were now directed against the commander +himself, whom they teased and terrified almost out of his senses. +One day, while he was at dinner, Pipes came and told him that there +was a person below that wanted to speak with him immediately, about +an affair of the greatest importance, that would admit of no delay; +upon which he ordered the stranger to be told that he was engaged, +and that he must send up his name and business. To this demand he +received for answer a message importing that the person's name was +unknown to him, and his business of such a nature, that it could +not be disclosed to any one but the commodore himself, whom he +earnestly desired to see without loss of time. + +Trunnion, surprised at this importunity, got up with great reluctance, +in the middle of his meal, and descending to a parlour where the +stranger was, asked him, in a surly tone, what he wanted with him +in such a d--d hurry, that he could not wait till he had made an +end of his mess? The other, not at all disconcerted at this rough +address, advanced close up to him on his tiptoes, and, with a look +of confidence and conceit, laying his mouth to one side of the +commodore's head, whispered softly in his car, "Sir, I am the attorney +whom you wanted to converse with in private."--"The attorney?" +cried Trunnion, staring, and half-choked with choler. "Yes, sir, +at your service," replied this retainer of the law; "and, if you +please, the sooner we despatch the affair the better; for 'tis an +old observation, that delay breeds danger."--"Truly, brother," said +the commodore, who could no longer contain himself, "I do confess +that I am very much of your way of thinking, d'ye see, and therefore +you shall be despatched in a trice." So saying, he lifted up his +walking-staff, which was something between a crutch and a cudgel, +and discharged it with such energy on the seat of the attorney's +understanding, that if there had been anything but solid bone, the +contents of his skull must have been evacuated. + +Fortified as he was by nature against all such assaults, he could +not withstand the momentum of the blow, which in an instant laid him +flat on the floor, deprived of all sense and motion; and Trunnion +hopped upstairs to dinner, applauding himself in ejaculations all +the way for the vengeance he had taken on such an impudent pettifogging +miscreant. + +The attorney no sooner awaked from his trance, into which he had +been so unexpectedly killed, than he cast his eyes around in quest +of evidence, by which he might be enabled the more easily to prove +the injury he had sustained, but not a soul appearing, he made shift +to get upon his legs again, and, with the blood trickling over his +nose, followed one of the servants into the dining-room, resolved +to come to an explanation with the assailant, and either extort +money from him by way of satisfaction, or provoke him to a second +application before witnesses. With this view, he entered the room +in a peal of clamour, to the amazement of all present, and the +terror of Mrs. Trunnion, who shrieked at the appearance of such a +spectacle; and addressing himself to the commodore, "I'll tell you +what, sir," said he; "if there be law in England, I'll make you +smart for this here assault." You think you have screened yourself +from a prosecution by sending all your servants out of the way; +but that circumstance will appear upon trial to be a plain proof of +the malice prepense with which the fact was committed; especially +when corroborated by the evidence of this here letter, under your +own hand, whereby I am desired to come to your own house to transact +an affair of consequence. So he produced the writing, and read the +contents in these words:-- + + "Mr. Roger Ravine. + Sir,--Being in a manner prisoner in my own house, I desire + you will give me a call precisely at three o'clock in the + afternoon, and insist upon seeing myself, as I have an affair + of great consequence, in which your particular advice is + wanted by your humble servant, + "Hawser Trunnion." + + +The one-eyed commander, who had been satisfied with the chastisement +he had already bestowed upon the plaintiff, hearing him read this +audacious piece of forgery, which he considered as the effect of +his own villainy, started up from table, and seizing a huge turkey +that lay in a dish before him, would have applied it, sauce and +all, by way of poultice, to his wound, had he not been restrained +by Hatchway, who laid fast hold on both his arms, and fixed him to +his chair again, advising the attorney to sheer off with what he +had got. Far from following this salutary counsel, he redoubled +his threats: set Trunnion at defiance, telling him he not a man of +true courage, although he had commanded a ship of war, or else he +would not have attacked any person in such a cowardly and clandestine +manner. This provocation would have answered his purpose effectually, +had not his adversary's indignation been repressed by the suggestions +of the lieutenant, who desired his friend, in a whisper, to be easy, +for he would take care to have the attorney tossed in a blanket +for his presumption. This proposal, which he received with great +approbation, pacified him in a moment: he wiped the sweat from his +forehead, and his features relaxed into a grim smile. + +Hatchway disappeared; and Ravine proceeded with great fluency +of abuse, until he was interrupted by the arrival of Pipes, who, +without any expostulation, led him out by the hand, and conducted +him to the yard, where he was put into a carpet, and in a twinkling +sent into the air by the strength and dexterity of five stout +operators, whom the lieutenant had selected from the number of +domestics for that singular spell of duty. + +In vain did the astonished vaulter beg, for the love of God, that +they would take pity upon him, and put an end to his involuntary +gambols: they were deaf to his prayers and protestations, even +when he swore, in the most solemn manner, that if they would cease +tormenting him, he would forget and forgive what was past, and +depart in peace to his own habitation; and continued the game till +they were fatigued with the exercise. + +Ravine being dismissed in a most melancholy plight, brought an +action of assault and battery against the commodore, and subpoenaed +all the servants as evidences in the cause; but as none of them had +seen what happened, he did not find his account in the prosecution, +though he himself examined all the witnesses, and, among their +questions, asked, whether they had not seen him come in like another +man? and whether they had ever seen any other man in such condition +as that in which he had crawled off. But this last interrogation +they were not obliged to answer, because it had reference to the +second discipline he bad undergone, in which they, and they only, +were concerned; and no person is bound to give testimony against +himself. + +In short, the attorney was nonsuited, to the satisfaction of all +who knew him, and found himself under the necessity of proving that +he had received, in course of post, the letter which was declared +in court a scandalous forgery, in order to prevent an indictment +with which he vas threatened by the commodore, who little dreamt +that the whole affair had been planned and executed by Peregrine +and his associates. + +The next enterprise in which this triumvirate engaged, was a scheme +to frighten Trunnion with an apparition, which they prepared and +exhibited in this manner: to the hide of a large ox, Pipes fitted +a leathern vizor of a most terrible appearance, stretched on the +jaws of a shark, which he had brought from sea, and accommodated +with a couple of broad glasses instead of eyes. On the inside of +these he placed two rushlights, and, with a composition of sulphur +and saltpetre, made a pretty large fusee, which he fixed between +two rows of the teeth. This equipage being finished, he, one dark +night chosen for the purpose, put it on, and, following the commodore +into a long passage, in which he was preceded by Perry with a light +in his hand, kindled his firework with a match, and began to bellow +like a bull. The boy, as it was concerted, looked behind him, +screamed aloud, and dropped the light, which was extinguished in +the fall; when Trunnion, alarmed at his nephew's consternation, +exclaimed, "Zounds! what's the matter?" and turning about to see +the cause of his dismay, beheld a hideous phantom vomiting blue +flame, which aggravated the horrors of its aspect. He was instantly +seized with an agony of fear, which divested him of his reason: +nevertheless, he, as it were mechanically, raised his trusty +supporter in his own defence, and, the apparition advancing towards +him, aimed it at this dreadful annoyance with such a convulsive +exertion of strength, that had not the blow chanced to light upon +one of the horns Mr. Pipes would have had no cause to value himself +upon his invention. Misapplied as it was, he did not fail to stagger +at the shock; and, dreading another such salutation, closed with +the commodore, and having tripped up his heels, retreated with +great expedition. + +It was then that Peregrine, pretending to recollect himself a +little, ran, with all the marks of disturbance and affright, and +called up the servants to the assistance of their master, whom +they found in a cold sweat upon the floor, his features betokening +horror and confusion. Hatchway raised him up, and having comforted +him with a cup of Nantz, began to inquire into the cause of his +disorder: but he could not extract one word of answer from his +friend, who, after a considerable pause, during which he seemed +to be wrapt in profound contemplation, pronounced aloud, "By the +Lord! Jack, you may say what you wool; but I'll be d-- if it was +not Davy Jones himself. I know him by his saucer eyes, his three +rows of teeth, his horns and tail, and the blue smoke that came out +of his nostrils. What does the blackguard hell's baby want with +me? I'm sure I never committed murder, except in the way of my +profession, nor wronged any man whatsomever since I first went to +sea." This same Davy Jones, according to the mythology of sailors, +is the fiend that presides over all the evil spirits of the deep, +and is often seen in various shapes, perching among the rigging on +the eve of hurricanes, shipwrecks, and other disasters, to which +a seafaring life is exposed; warning the devoted wretch of death +and woe. No wonder then that Trunnion was disturbed by a supposed +visit of this demon, which, in his opinion, foreboded some dreadful +calamity. + + + + + +CHAPTER XIV. + + + + +He is also, by their device, engaged in an Adventure with the +Exciseman, who does not find his Account in his own Drollery. + + +Howsomever preposterous and unaccountable that passion may be which +prompts persons, otherwise generous and sympathizing, to afflict +and perplex their fellow-creatures, certain it is, our confederates +entertained such a large proportion of it, that not satisfied +with the pranks they had already played, they still persecuted the +commodore without ceasing. In the course of his own history, the +particulars of which he delighted to recount, he had often rehearsed +an adventure of deer-stealing, in which, during the unthinking +impetuosity of his youth, he had been unfortunately concerned. Far +from succeeding in that achievement, he and his associates had, +it seems, been made prisoners, after an obstinate engagement with +the keepers, and carried before a neighbouring justice of the peace, +who used Trunnion with great indignity, and with his companions +committed him to jail. + +His own relations, and in particular an uncle on whom he chiefly +depended, treated him during his confinement with great rigour and +inhumanity and absolutely refused to interpose his influence in +his behalf, unless he would sign a writing, obliging himself to go +to sea within thirty days after his release, under the penalty of +being proceeded against as a felon. The alternative was, either +to undergo this voluntary exile, or remain in prison disowned +and deserted by everybody, and, after all, suffer an ignominious +trial, that might end in a sentence of transportation for life. He +therefore, without much hesitation, embraced the proposal of his +kinsman, and, as he observed, was, in less than a month after his +discharge, turned adrift to the mercy of the wind and waves. + +Since that period he had never maintained any correspondence +with his relations, all of whom had concurred in sending him off; +nor would he ever pay the least regard to the humiliations and +supplications of some among them, who had prostrated themselves +before him, on the advancement of his fortune: but he retained +a most inveterate resentment against his uncle, who was still in +being, though extremely old and infirm, and frequently mentioned +his name with all the bitterness of revenge. + +Perry being perfectly well acquainted with the particulars of this +story, which he had heard so often repeated, proposed to Hatchway +that a person should be hired to introduce himself to the commodore, +with a supposititious letter of recommendation from this detested +kinsman; an imposition that, in all likelihood, would afford +abundance of diversion. + +The lieutenant relished the scheme and young Pickle having composed +an epistle for the occasion, the exciseman of the parish, a fellow +of great impudence and some humour, in whom Hatchway could confide, +undertook to transcribe and deliver it with his own hand, and also +personate the man in whose favour it was feigned to be written. +He, accordingly, one morning arrived on horseback at the garrison, +two hours at least before Trunnion used to get up, and gave Pipes, +who admitted him, to understand, that he had a letter from his +master, which he was ordered to deliver to none but the commodore +himself. This message was no sooner communicated, than the +indignant chief (who had been waked for the purpose) began to curse +the messenger for breaking his rest, and swore he would not budge +till his usual time of turning out. This resolution being conveyed +to the stranger, he desired the carrier to go back and tell him, he +had such joyful tidings to impart, that he was sure the commodore +would think himself amply rewarded for his trouble, even if he had +been raised from the grave to receive them. + +This assurance, flattering as it was, would not have been powerful +enough to persuade him, had it not been assisted with the exhortations +of his spouse, which never failed to influence his conduct. He +therefore crept out of bed, though not without great repugnance; +and wrapping himself in his morning gown, was supported down-stairs, +rubbing his eye, yawning fearfully, and grumbling in the way. As +soon as he popped his head into the parlour, the supposed stranger +made divers awkward bows, and with a grinning aspect accosted him +in these words: "Your most humble servant, most noble commodore! +I hope you are in good health; you look pure and hearty; and if it +was not for that misfortune of your eye, one would not desire to +see a more pleasant countenance in a summer's day. Sure as I am a +living soul, one would take you to be on this side of threescore. +Lord help us, I should have known you to be a Trunnion, if I had +met with one in the midst of Salisbury Plain, as the saying is." + +The commodore, who was not at all in the humour of relishing such +an impertinent preamble, interrupted him in this place, saying, +with a peevish accent, "Pshaw! pshaw! brother, there's no occasion +to bowse out so much unnecessary gun; if you can't bring your +discourse to bear on the right subject, you had much better clap +a stopper on your tongue, and bring yourself up, d'ye see; I was +told you had something to deliver."--"Deliver!" cried the waggish +impostor, "odds heart! I have got something for you that will make +your very entrails rejoice within your body. Here's a letter from +a dear and worthy friend of yours. Take, read it, and be happy. +Blessings on his old heart! one would think he had renewed his +age, like the eagle's." Trunnion's expectation being thus raised, +he called for his spectacles, adjusted them to his eye, took +the letter, and being curious to know the subscription, no sooner +perceived his uncle's name, then he started back, his lip quivered, +and he began to shake in every limb with resentment and surprise; +eager to know the subject of an epistle from a person who had never +before troubled him with any sort of address, he endeavoured to +recollect himself, and perused the contents, which were these;-- + + "Loving Nephew,--I doubt not but you will be rejoiced to + hear of my welfare; and well you may, considering what a + kind uncle I have been to you in the days of your youth, and + how little you deserved any such thing; for yet, was always + a graceless young man, given to wicked courses and bad company, + whereby you would have come to a shameful end, had it not been + for my care in sending you out of mischief's way. But this is + not the cause of my present writing. The bearer, Mr. Timothy + Trickle, is a distant relation of yours, being the son of the + cousin of your aunt Margery, and is not over and above well as + to worldly matters. He thinks of going to London, to see for + some post in the excise or customs if so be that you will + recommend him to some great man of your acquaintance, and give + him a small matter to keep him till he is provided. I doubt not, + nephew, but you will be glad to serve him, if it was no more + but for the respect you bear to me, who am,--Loving nephew, + your affectionate uncle, and servant to command, + "Tobiah Trunnion." + + +It would be a difficult task for the inimitable Hogarth himself +to exhibit the ludicrous expression of the commodore's countenance +while he read this letter. It was not a stare of astonishment, a +convulsion of rage, or a ghastly grin of revenge; but an association +of all three, that took possession of his features. At length, he +hawked up, with incredible straining, the interjection, "Ah!" that +seemed to have stuck some time in his windpipe; and thus gave vent +to his indignation: "Have I come alongside of you at last, you old +stinking curmudgeon? You lie, you lousy hulk! ye lie! you did all +in your power to founder me when I was a stripling; and as for being +graceless and wicked, and keeping bad company, you tell a d--d lie +again, you thief! there was not a more peaceable lad in the county, +and I kept no bad company but your own, d'ye see. Therefore, you +Trickle, or what's your name, tell the old rascal that sent you +hither, that I spit in his face, and call him horse; that I tear +his letter into rags, so; and that I trample upon it as I would +upon his own villainous carcase, d'ye see." So saying, he danced +in a sort of frenzy upon the fragments of the paper, which he had +scattered about the room, to the inexpressible satisfaction of the +triumvirate, who beheld the scene. + +The exciseman having got between him and the door, which was left +open for his escape, in case of necessity, affected great confusion +and surprise at his behaviour, saying, with an air of mortification, +"Lord be merciful unto me! is this the way you treat your own +relations, and the recommendation of your best friend? Surely all +gratitude and virtue has left this sinful world! What will cousin +Tim, and Dick, and Tom, and good mother Pipkin; and her daughters +cousin Sue, and Prue, and Peg, with all the rest of our kinsfolks, +say, when they hear of this unconscionable reception that I have +met with? Consider, sir, that ingratitude is worse than the sin +of witchcraft, as the Apostle wisely observes; and do not send me +away with such unchristian usage, which will lay a heavy load of +guilt upon your poor miserable soul."--"What, you are on a cruise +for a post, brother Trickle, an't ye?" said Trunnion, interrupting +him, "we shall find a post for you in a trice, my boy. Here, Pipes, +take this saucy son of a b-- and help him to the whipping-post +in the yard. I'll teach you to rouse me in the morning with such +impertinent messages." + +Pipes, who wanted to carry the joke farther than the exciseman dreamt +of, laid hold of him in a twinkling, and executed the orders of his +commander, notwithstanding all his nods, winking, and significant +gestures, which the boatswain's mate would by no means understand; +so that he began to repent of the part he acted in this performance, +which was like to end so tragically; and stood fastened to the stake, +in a very disagreeable state of suspense; casting many a rueful +look over his left shoulder, while Pipes was absent in quest +of a cat-o'-nine-tails, in expectation of being relieved by the +interposition of the lieutenant, who did not, however, appear. +Tom, returning with the instrument of correction, undressed the +delinquent in a trice, and whispering in his ear, that he was very +sorry for being employed in such an office, but durst not for his +soul disobey the orders of his commander, flourished the scourge +about his head, and with admirable dexterity made such a smarting +application to the offender's back and shoulders, that the distracted +gauger performed sundry new cuts with his feet, and bellowed +hideously with pain, to the infinite satisfaction of the spectators. +At length, when he was almost flayed from his rump to the nape of +his neck, Hatchway, who had purposely absented himself hitherto, +appeared in the yard, and interposing in his behalf, prevailed upon +Trunnion to call off the executioner, and ordered the malefactor +to be released. + +The exciseman, mad with the catastrophe he had undergone, threatened +to be revenged upon his employers, by making a candid confession of +the whole plot; but the lieutenant giving him to understand, that +in so doing, he would bring upon himself a prosecution for fraud, +forgery, and imposture, he was fain to put up with his loss; +and sneaked out of the garrison, attended with a volley of curses +discharged upon him by the commodore, who was exceedingly irritated +by the disturbance and disappointment he had undergone. + + + + + +CHAPTER XV. + + + + +The Commodore detects the Machinations of the Conspirators, and +hires a tutor for Peregrine, whom he settles in Winchester School. + + +This was not the least affliction he had suffered from the unwearied +endeavours and unexhausted invention of his tormentors, who harassed +him with such a variety of mischievous pranks, that he began to +think all the devils in hell had conspired against his peace; and +accordingly became very serious and contemplative on the subject. + +In the course of his meditations, when he recollected and compared +the circumstances of every mortification to which he had been lately +exposed, he could not help suspecting that some of them must have +been contrived to vex him; and, as he was not ignorant of his +lieutenant's disposition, nor unacquainted with the talents of +Peregrine, he resolved to observe them both for the future with +the utmost care and circumspection. This resolution, aided by the +incautious conduct of the conspirators, whom, by this time, success +had rendered heedless and indiscreet, was attended with the desired +effect. He in a little time, detected Perry in a new plot; and by +dint of a little chastisement, and a great many threats, extorted +from him a confession of all the contrivances in which he had been +concerned. The commodore was thunderstruck at the discovery, and +so much incensed against Hatchway for the part he had acted in the +whole, that he deliberated with himself, whether he should demand +satisfaction with sword and pistol, or dismiss him from the garrison, +and renounce all friendship with him at once. But he bad been so +long accustomed to Jack's company, that he could not live without +him; and upon more cool reflection, perceiving that what he had done +was rather the effect of wantonness than malice, which he himself +would have laughed to see take place upon any other person, he +determined to devour his chagrin, and extended his forgiveness even +to Pipes, whom, in the first sally of his passion, he had looked +upon in a more criminal light than that of a simple mutineer. This +determination was seconded by another, which he thought absolutely +necessary for his own repose, and in which his own interest, and +that of his nephew, concurred. + +Peregrine, who was now turned of twelve, had made such advances under +the instruction of Jennings, that he often disputed upon grammar, +and was sometimes thought to have the better in his contests, with +the parish-priest, who, notwithstanding this acknowledged superiority +of his antagonist, did great justice to his genius which he assured +Mr. Trunnion would be lost for want of cultivation, if the boy +was not immediately sent to prosecute his studies at some proper +seminary of learning. + +This maxim had been more than once inculcated upon the commodore +by Mrs. Trunnion, who, over and above the deference she paid to +the parson's opinion, had a reason of her own for wishing to see +the house clear of Peregrine, at whose prying disposition she began +to be very uneasy. Induced by these motives, which were joined +by the solicitation of the youth himself, who ardently longed to +see a little more of the world, his uncle determined to send him +forthwith to Winchester, under the immediate care and inspection +of a governor, to whom he allowed a very handsome appointment for +that purpose. This gentleman, whose name was Mr. Jacob Jolter, had +been school-fellow with the parson of the parish, who recommended +him to Mrs. Trunnion as a person of great worth and learning, +in every respect qualified for the office of a tutor. He likewise +added, by way of eulogium, that he was a man of exemplary piety. +and particularly zealous for the honour of the church, of which +he was a member, having been many years in holy orders, though he +did not then exercise any function of the priesthood. Indeed, Mr. +Jolter's zeal was so exceedingly fervent, as, on some occasions, +to get the better of his discretion; for, being a high churchman +and of consequence a malcontent, his resentment was habituated +into an insurmountable prejudice against the present disposition +of affairs, which, by confounding the nation with the ministry, +sometimes led him into erroneous, not to say absurd calculations; +otherwise, a man of good morals, well versed in mathematics and +school divinity, studies which had not at all contributed to sweeten +and unbend the natural sourness and severity of his complexion. + +This gentleman being destined to the charge of superintending +Perry's education, everything was prepared for their departure; +and Tom Pipes, in consequence of his own petition, put into livery, +and appointed footman to the young squire. But, before they set +out, the commodore paid the compliment of communicating his design +to Mr. Pickle, who approved of the plan, though he durst not venture +to see the boy; so much was he intimidated by the remonstrances of +his wife, whose aversion to her first-born became every day more +inveterate and unaccountable. This unnatural caprice seemed to be +supported by a consideration which, one would imagine, might have +rather vanquished her disgust. Her second son Gam, who was now in +the fourth year of his age, had been rickety from the cradle, and +as remarkably unpromising in appearance as Perry was agreeable in +his person. As the deformity increased, the mother's fondness was +augmented, and the virulence of her hate against the other son +seemed to prevail in the same proportion. + +Far from allowing Perry to enjoy the common privileges of a child, +she would not suffer him to approach his father's house, expressed +uneasiness whenever his name happened to be mentioned, sickened +at his praise, and in all respects behaved like a most rancorous +step-mother. Though she no longer retained that ridiculous notion +of his being an impostor, she still continued to abhor him, as if +she really believed him to be such; and when any person desired +to know the cause of her surprising dislike, she always lost her +temper, and peevishly replied, that she had reasons of her own, +which she was not obliged to declare: nay, so much was she infected +by this vicious partiality, that she broke off all commerce with +her sister-in-law and the commodore, because they favoured the poor +child with their countenance and protection. + +Her malice, however, was frustrated by the love and generosity +of Trunnion, who, having adopted him as his own son, equipped him +accordingly, and carried him and his governor in his own coach to +the place of destination, where they were settled on a very genteel +footing, and everything regulated according to their desires. + +Mrs. Trunnion with great decency at the departure of her nephew, +to whom, with a great many pious advices and injunctions to behave +with submission and reverence towards his tutor, she presented +a diamond ring of small value, and a gold medal, as tokens of her +affection and esteem. As for the lieutenant, he accompanied them +in the coach; and such was the friendship he had contracted for +Perry, that when the commodore proposed to return, after having +accomplished the intent of his journey, Jack absolutely refused to +attend him, and signified his resolution to stay where he was. + +Trunnion was the more startled a this declaration, as Hatchway was +become so necessary to him in almost all the purposes of his life, +that he foresaw he should not be able to exist without his company. +Not a little affected with this consideration, he turned his eye +ruefully upon the lieutenant, saying, in a piteous tone, "What! +leave me at last, Jack, after we have weathered so many hard gales +together? D-- my limbs! I thought you had been more of an honest +heart: I looked upon you as my foremast, and Tom Pipes as my mizen: +now he is carried away, if so be as you go too, my standing rigging +being decayed, d'ye see, the first squall will bring me by the +board. D-- ye, if in case I have given offence, can't you speak +above-board? and I shall make you amends." + +Jack, being ashamed to own the true situation of his thoughts, +after some hesitation, answered with perplexity and incoherence, +"No, d-- me! that an't the case neither: to be sure you always used +me in an officer-like manner, that I must own, to give the devil +his due, as the saying is; but for all that, this here is the case, +I have some thoughts of going to school myself to learn your Latin +lingo: for, as the saying is, Better late mend than never: and I am +informed as how one can get more for the money here than anywhere +else." + +In vain did Trunnion endeavour to convince him of the folly of +going to school at his years, by representing that the boys would +make game of him, and that he would become a laughing-stock to all +the world: he persisted in his resolution to stay, and the commodore +was fain to have recourse to the mediation of Pipes and Perry, who +employed their influence with Jack, and at last prevailed upon him +to return to the garrison, after Trunnion had promised he should +be at liberty to visit them once a month. This stipulation being +settled, he and his friend took leave of the pupil, governor, and +attendant, and next morning, set out for their habitation, which +they reached in safety that same night. + +Such was Hatchway's reluctance to leave Peregrine, that he is said, +for the first time in his life, to have looked misty at parting: +certain I am, that on the road homewards, after a long pause +of silence, which the commodore never dreamt of interrupting, he +exclaimed all of a sudden, "I'll be d--d if the dog ha'nt given +me some stuff to make me love him!" Indeed, there was something +congenial in the disposition of these two friends, which never +failed to manifest itself in the sequel, howsoever different their +education, circumstances, and connections happened to be. + + + + + +CHAPTER XVI. + + + + +Peregrine distinguishes himself among his School-fellows, exposes +his Tutor, and attracts the particular Notice of the Master. + + +Thus left to the prosecution of his studies, Peregrine was in a +little time a distinguished character, not only for his acuteness +of apprehension, but also for that mischievous fertility of fancy, +of which we have already given such pregnant examples. But as there +was a great number of such luminaries in this new sphere to which +he belonged, his talents were not so conspicuous while they shone +in his single capacity, as they afterwards appeared, when they +concentrated and reflected the rays of the whole constellation. + +At first he confined himself to piddling game, exercising his genius +upon his own tutor, who attracted his attention, by endeavouring +to season his mind with certain political maxims, the fallacy of +which he had discernment enough to perceive. Scarce a day passed +in which he did not find means to render Mr. Jolter the object of +ridicule: his violent prejudices, ludicrous vanity, awkward solemnity, +and ignorance of mankind, afforded continual food for the raillery, +petulance, and satire of his pupil, who never neglected an opportunity +of laughing, and making others laugh, at his expense. + +Sometimes in their parties, by mixing brandy in his wine, he decoyed +this pedagogue into a debauch, during which his caution forsook him, +and he exposed himself to the censure of the company. Sometimes, +when the conversation turned upon intricate subjects, he practised +upon him the Socratic method of confutation, and, under pretence of +being informed, by an artful train of puzzling questions insensibly +betrayed him into self-contradiction. + +All the remains of authority which he had hitherto preserved over +Peregrine soon vanished; so that, for the future, no sort of ceremony +subsisted between them, and all Mr. Jolter's precepts were conveyed +in hints of friendly advice, which the other might either follow or +neglect at his own pleasure. No wonder then that Peregrine gave a +loose to his inclinations, and, by dint of genius and an enterprising +temper, made a figure among the younger class of heroes in the +school. + +Before he had been a full year at Winchester, he had signallized +himself in so many achievements, in defiance to the laws and +regulations of the place, that he was looked upon with admiration, +and actually chosen dux, or leader, by a large body of his +contemporaries. It was not long before his fame reached the ears +of the master, who sent for Mr. Jolter, communicated to him the +informations he had received, and desired him to check the vivacity +of his charge, and redouble his vigilance in time to come, else +he should be obliged to make a public example of his pupil for the +benefit of the school. + +The governor, conscious of his own unimportance, was not a little +disconcerted at this injunction, which it was not in his power to +fulfil by any compulsive means. He therefore went home in a very +pensive mood, and after mature deliberation, resolved to expostulate +with Peregrine in the most familiar terms, and endeavour to dissuade +him from practices which might affect his character as well as +interest. He accordingly frankly told him the subject of the master's +discourse; represented the disgrace he might incur by neglecting +this warning; and, putting him in mind of his own situation, hinted +the consequences of the commodore's displeasure, in case he should +be brought to disapprove of his conduct. These insinuations made +the greater impression as they were delivered with many expressions +of friendship and concern. The young gentleman was not so raw, +but that he could perceive the solidity of Mr, Jolter's advice, to +which he promised to conform, because his pride was interested in +the affair, and he considered his own reformation as the only means +of avoiding that infamy which even in idea he could not bear. + +His governor, finding him so reasonable, profited by these moments +of reflection; and, in order to prevent a relapse, proposed that he +should engage in some delightful study that would agreeably amuse +his imagination, and gradually detach him from those connections +which had involved him in so many troublesome adventures. For +this purpose, he, with many rapturous encomiums, recommended the +mathematics, as yielding more rational and sensible pleasures to a +youthful fancy than any other subject of contemplation; and actually +began to read Euclid with him that same afternoon. + +Peregrine entered upon this branch of learning with all that warmth +of application which boys commonly yield on the first change of +study; but he had scarce advanced beyond the Pons Asinorum, when his +ardour abated; the test of truth by demonstration did not elevate +him to those transports of joy with which his preceptor had +regaled his expectation; and before he arrived at the forty-seventh +proposition, he began to yawn drearily, make abundance of wry faces, +and thought himself but indifferently paid for his attention, when +he shared the vast discovery of Pythagoras, and understood that +the square of the hypotenuse was equal to the squares of the other +two sides of a right-angled triangle. He was ashamed, however, to +fail in his undertaking, and persevered with great industry, until +he had finished the first four books, acquired plane trigonometry, +with the method of algebraical calculation, and made himself well +acquainted with the principles of surveying. But no consideration +could prevail upon him to extend his inquiries farther in this science; +and he returned with double relish to his former avocations, like +a stream, which, being dammed, accumulates more force, and, bursting +over its mounds, rushes down with double impetuosity. + +Mr. Jolter saw with astonishment and chagrin, but could not resist +the torrent. His behaviour was now no other than a series of license +and effrontery; prank succeeded prank, and outrage followed outrage +with surprising velocity. Complaints were every day preferred against +him; in vain were admonitions bestowed by the governor in private, +and menaces discharged by the masters in public; he disregarded +the first, despised the latter, divested himself of all manner of +restraint, and proceeded in his career to such a pitch of audacity, +that a consultation was held upon the subject, in which it was +determined that this untoward spirit should be humbled by a severe +and ignominious flogging for the very next offence he should commit. +In the mean time, Mr. Jolter was desired to write in the masters +name to the commodore, requesting him to remove Tom Pipes from the +person of his nephew, the said Pipes being a principal actor and +abettor in all his malversations; and to put a stop to the monthly +visitations of the mutilated lieutenant, who had never once failed +to use his permission, but came punctual to a day, always fraught +with some new invention. Indeed, by this time Mr. Hatchway was as +well known, and much better beloved, by every boy in the school than +the master who instructed him, and always received by a number of +scholars, who used to attend Peregrine when he went forth to meet +his friend, and conduct him to his lodging with public testimonies +of joy and applause. + +As for Tom Pipes, he was not so properly the attendant of Peregrine, +as master of the revels of the whole school. He mingled in all +their parties, and superintended the diversions, deciding between +boy and boy, as if he acted by commission under the great seal. +He regulated their motions by his whistle, instructed the young +boys in the games of hustle-cap, leap-frog, and chuck-farthing; +imparted to those of a more advanced age the sciences of cribbage +and all-fours, together with the method of storming the castle, +acting the comedy of Prince Arthur, and other pantomimes, as they +commonly exhibited at sea; and instructed the seniors, who were +distinguished by the appellation of bloods, in cudgel-playing, +dancing the St. Giles's hornpipe, drinking flip, and smoking tobacco. +These qualifications had rendered him so necessary and acceptable +to the scholars, that exclusive of Perry's concern in the affair, +his dismission, in all probability, would have produced some +dangerous convulsion in the community. Jolter, therefore, knowing +his importance, informed his pupil of the directions he had +received, and very candidly asked how he should demean himself in +the execution; for he durst not write to the commodore without this +previous notice, fearing that the young gentleman, as soon as he +should get an inkling of the affair, would follow the example, and +make his uncle acquainted with certain anecdotes, which it was the +governor's interest to keep concealed. Peregrine was of opinion +that he should spare himself the trouble of conveying any complaints +to the commodore; and if questioned by the master, assure him he had +complied with his desire: at the same time he promised faithfully +to conduct himself with such circumspection for the future, that +the masters should have no temptation to revive the inquiry. But +the resolution attending this extorted promise was too frail to +last, and in less than a fortnight our young hero found himself +entangled in an adventure from which he was not extricated with +his usual good fortune. + + + + + +CHAPTER XVII. + + + + +He is concerned in a dangerous Adventure with a certain Gardener--Sublimes +his Ideas, commences Gallant, and becomes acquainted with Miss +Emily Gauntlet. + + +He and some of his companions one day entered a garden in the +suburbs, and, having indulged their appetites, desired to know +what satisfaction they must make for the fruit they had pulled. The +gardener demanded what, in their opinion, was an exorbitant price, +and they with many opprobrious terms refused to pay it. The peasant, +being surly and untractable, insisted upon his right; neither was he +deficient or sparing in the eloquence of vulgar abuse. His guests +attempted to retreat; a scuffle ensued, in which Peregrine lost +his cap; and the gardener, being in danger from the number of his +foes, called to his wife to let loose the dog, which instantly flew +to his master's assistance, and, after having torn the leg of one +and the shoulder of another, put the whole body of scholars to +flight. Enraged at the indignity which had been offered them, they +solicited a reinforcement of their friends, and, with Tom Pipes at +their head, marched back to the field of battle. Their adversary, +seeing them approach, called his apprentice, who worked at the other +end of the ground, to his assistance, armed him with a mattock, +while he himself wielded a hoe, bolted his door on the inside, and, +flanked with his man and mastiff, waited the attack without flinching. + +He had not remained three minutes in this posture of defence, when +Pipes, who acted as the enemy's forlorn hope, advanced to the gate +with great intrepidity, and, clapping his foot to the door, which +was none of the stoutest, with the execution and despatch of a +petard, split it into a thousand pieces. This sudden execution had +an immediate effect upon the apprentice, who retreated with great +precipitation, and escaped at a postern; but the master placed +himself, like another Hercules, in the breach; and when Pipes, +brandishing his cudgel, stepped forward to engage him, leveled his +weapon. with such force and dexterity at his head, that had the +skull been made of penetrable stuff, the iron edge must have cleft +his pate in twain. Casemated as he was, the instrument cut sheer +even to the bone, on which it struck with such amazing violence, +that sparks of real fire were produced by the collision. And +let not the incredulous reader pretend to doubt the truth of this +phenomenon, until he shall have first perused the ingenious Peter +Kolben's Natural History of the Cape of Good Hope, where the +inhabitants commonly used to strike fire with the shin-bones of +lions which had been killed in that part of Africa. + +Pipes, though a little disconcerted, far from being disabled by +the blow, in a trice retorted the compliment with his truncheon, +which, had not his antagonist expeditiously slipped his head aside, +would have laid him breathless across his own threshold; but, happily +for him, he received the salutation upon his right shoulder, which +crashed beneath the stroke, and the hoe dropped instantly from his +tingling hand. Tom, perceiving, and being unwilling to forego, the +advantage he had gained, darted his head into the bosom of this +son of earth, and overturned him on the plain, being himself that +instant assaulted by the mastiff, who fastened upon the outside +of his thigh. Feeling himself incommoded by this assailant in his +rear, he quitted the prostrate gardener to the resentment of his +associates, who poured upon him in shoals, and turning about, laid +hold with both his hands of this ferocious animal's throat, which +he squeezed with such incredible force and perseverance, that the +creature quitted his hold; his tongue lolled out of his jaws, the +blood started from his eyes, and he swung a lifeless trunk between +the hands of his vanquisher. + +It was well for his master that he did not longer exist: for by +this time he was overwhelmed by such a multitude of foes, that his +whole body scarce afforded points of contact to all the fists that +drummed upon him; consequently, to use a vulgar phrase, his wind +was almost knocked out, before Pipes had leisure to interpose in +his he behalf, and persuade his offenders to desist, by representing +that the wife had gone to alarm the neighbourhood, and in +all probability they would be intercepted in their return. They +accordingly listened to his remonstrances, and marched homewards in +triumph, leaving the gardener in the embraces of his mother earth, +from which he had not power to move when he was found by his +disconsolate helpmate and some friends whom she had assembled for +his assistance. Among these was a blacksmith and farrier, who took +cognizance of his carcase, every limb of which having examined, +he declared there was no bone broken, and taking out his fleam, +blooded him plentifully as he lay. He was then conveyed to his +bed, from which he was not able to stir during a whole month. His +family coming upon the parish, a formal complaint was made to the +master of the school, and Peregrine represented as the ringleader +of those who committed this barbarous assault. An inquiry was +immediately set on foot; and the articles of impeachment being +fully proved, our hero was sentenced to be severely chastised in +the face of the whole school. This was a disgrace, the thoughts +of which his proud heart could not brook. He resolved to make +his elopement rather than undergo the punishment to which he was +doomed; and having signified his sentiments to his confederates, +they promised one and all to stand by him, and either screen him +from chastisement or share his fate. + +Confiding in this friendly protestation, he appeared unconcerned +on the day that was appointed for his punishment; and when he was +called to his destiny, advanced the scene, attended by the greatest +part of the scholars, who intimated their determination to the +master, and proposed that Peregrine should be forgiven. The superior +behaved with that dignity of demeanour which became his place, +represented the folly and presumption of their demand, reprehended +them for their audacious proceeding, and ordered every boy to his +respective station. They obeyed his command, and our unfortunate +hero was publicly horsed, in terrorem of all whom it might concern. + +This disgrace had a very sensible effect upon the mind of Peregrine, +who, having by this time, passed the fourteenth year of his age, +began to adopt the pride and sentiments of a man. Thus dishonourably +stigmatized, he was ashamed to appear in public as usual; he was +incensed against his companions for their infidelity and irresolution, +and plunged into a profound reverie that lasted several weeks, +during which he shook off his boyish connections, and fixed his +view upon objects which he thought more worthy of his attention. + +In the course of his gymnastic exercises, at which he was very +expert, he contracted intimacies with several youths who were greatly +his superiors in point of age, and who, pleased with his aspiring +genius and address, introduced him into parties of gallantry which +strongly captivated his inclination. He was by nature particularly +adopted for succeeding in all adventures of this kind: over and above +a most engaging person that improved with his years, he possessed +a dignified assurance, an agreeable ferocity which enhanced +the conquest of the fair who had the good fortune to enslave him, +unlimited generosity, and a fund of humour which never failed +to please. Nor was he deficient in the more solid accomplishments +of youth: he had profited in his studies beyond expectation; and +besides that sensibility of discernment which is the foundation +of taste, and in consequence of which he distinguished and enjoyed +the beauties of the classics, he had already given several specimens +of a very promising poetic talent. + +With this complexion and these qualifications, no wonder that +our hero attracted the notice and affections of the young Delias +in town, whose hearts had just begun to flutter for they knew not +what. Inquiries were made concerning his condition; and no sooner +were his expectations known, than he was invited and caressed by all +the parents, while the daughters vied with each other in treating +him with particular complacency. He inspired love and emulation +wherever he appeared: envy and jealous rage followed of course; so +that he became a very desirable, though a very dangerous acquaintance. +His moderation was not equal to his success: his vanity took the lead +of his passions, dissipating his attention, which might otherwise +have fixed him to one object; and he was possessed with the rage of +increasing the number of his conquests. With this view he frequented +public walks, concerts, and assemblies, became remarkably rich and +fashionable in his clothes, gave entertainments to the ladies, and +was in the utmost hazard of turning out a most egregious coxcomb. + +While his character thus wavered between the ridicule of some and +the regard of others, an accident happened which by contracting +his view to one object, detached him from those vain pursuits that +would in time have plunged him into an abyss of folly and contempt. +Being one evening at the ball which is always given to the ladies +at the time of the races, the person acted as master of the +ceremonies, knowing how fond Mr. Pickle was of every opportunity +to display himself, came up, and told him, that there was a fine +young creature at the other end of the room, who seemed to have +a great inclination to dance a minuet, but wanted a partner, the +gentleman who attended her being in boots. + +Peregrine's vanity being aroused at this intimation, he went up to +reconnoitre the young lady, and was struck with admiration at her +beauty. She seemed to be of his own age, was tall, though slender, +exquisitely shaped; her hair was auburn, and in such plenty, that +the barbarity of dress had not been able to prevent it from shading +both sides of her forehead, which was high and polished; the contour +of her face was oval; her nose very little raised into the aquiline +form, that contributed to the spirit and dignity of her aspect; +her mouth was small; her lips plump, juicy, and delicious, her +teeth regular and white as driven snow, her complexion incredibly +delicate, and glowing with health; and her full blue eyes beamed +forth vivacity and love: her mien was at the same time commanding +and engaging, her address perfectly genteel, and her whole appearance +so captivating, that our young Adonis looked, and was overcome. + +He no sooner recollected himself from his astonishment, than he +advanced to her with a graceful air of respect, and begged she would +do him the honour to walk a minuet with him. She seemed particularly +pleased with his application, and very frankly complied with his +request. This pair was too remarkable to escape the particular notice +of the company; Mr. Pickle was well known by almost everybody in the +room, but his partner was altogether a new face and of consequence +underwent the criticism of all the ladies in the assembly. One +whispered, "She has a good complexion, but don't you think she is a +little awry?" a second pitied her for her masculine nose; a third +observed, that she was awkward for want of seeing company; a +fourth distinguished something very bold in her countenance; and, +in short, there was not a beauty in her whole composition which +the glass of envy did not pervert into a blemish. + +The men, however, looked upon her with different eyes; among +them her appearance produced a universal murmur of applause: they +encircled the space on which she danced, and were enchanted by her +graceful motion. While they launched out in the praise of her, they +expressed their displeasure at the good fortune of her partner, +whom they d--d for a little finical coxcomb, that was too much +engrossed by the contemplation of his own person, to discern or +deserve the favour of his fate. He did not hear, therefore could +not repine at these invectives; but while they imagined he indulged +his vanity, a much more generous passion had taken possession of +his heart. + +Instead of that petulance of gaiety for which he had been distinguished +in his public appearance, he now gave manifest signs of confusion +and concern: he danced with an anxiety which impeded his performance, +and blushed to the eyes at every false step he made. Though this +extraordinary agitation was overlooked by the men, it could not +escape the observation of the ladies, who perceived it with equal +surprise and resentment; and when Peregrine led this fair unknown +to her seat, expressed their pique in an affected titter, which +broke from every mouth at the same instant--as if all of them had +been informed by the same spirit. + +Peregrine was nettled at this unmannerly mark of disapprobation, +and, in order to increase their chagrin, endeavoured to enter +into particular conversation with their fair rival. The young lady +herself, who neither wanted penetration nor the consciousness of her +own accomplishments, resented their behaviour, though she triumphed +at the cause of it, and gave her partner all the encouragement +he could desire. Her mother, who was present, thanked him for his +civility in taking such notice of a stranger, and he received a +compliment of the same nature from the young gentleman in boots, +who was her own brother. + +If he was charmed with her appearance, he was quite ravished with +her discourse, which was sensible, spirited, and gay. Her frank +and sprightly demeanour excited his own confidence and good-humour; +and he described to her the characters of those females who had +honoured them with such a spiteful mark of distinction, in terms +so replete with humorous satire, that she seemed to listen with +particular complacency of attention, and distinguished every nymph +thus ridiculed with such a significant glance as overwhelmed her +with chagrin and mortification. In short, they seemed to relish +each other's conversation, during which our young Damon acquitted +himself with great skill in all the duties of gallantry: he laid +hold of proper opportunities to express his admiration of her +charms, had recourse to the silent rhetoric of tender looks, breathed +divers insidious sighs, and attached himself wholly to her during +the remaining part of the entertainment. + +When the company broke up, he attended her to her lodgings, and +took leave of her with a squeeze of the hand, after having obtained +permission to visit her next morning, and been informed by the +mother that her name was Miss Emilia Gauntlet. + +All night long he closed not an eye, but amused himself with plans +of pleasure, which his imagination suggested in consequence of this +new acquaintance. He rose with the lark, adjusted his hair into +an agreeable negligence of curl, and dressing himself in a genteel +gray frock trimmed with silver binding, waited with the utmost +impatience for the hour of ten, which no sooner struck than he hied +him to the place of appointment, and inquiring for Miss gauntlet, +was shown into a parlour. Here he had not waited above ten minutes, +when Emilia entered in a most enchanting undress, with all the +graces of nature playing about her person, and in a moment riveted +the chains of his slavery beyond the power of accident to unbind. + +Her mother being still abed, and her brother gone to give orders +about the chaise, in which they proposed to return that same day to +their own habitation, he enjoyed her company a whole hour, during +which he declared his love in the most passionate terms, and begged +that he might be admitted into the number of those admirers whom +she permitted to visit and adore her. + +She affected to look upon his vows and protestations as the ordinary +effect of gallantry, and very obligingly assured him that were she +to live in that place she should be glad to see him often; but as +the spot on which she resided was at a considerable distance, she +could not expect he would go so far, upon such a trifling occasion, as +to take the trouble of providing himself with her mamma's permission. + +To this favourable hint he with all the eagerness of the most +fervent passion, that he had uttered nothing but the genuine dictates +of his heart; that he desired nothing so much as an opportunity +of evincing the sincerity of his professions; and that, though he +lived at the extremity of the kingdom, he would find means to lay +himself at her feet, provided he could visit her with her mother's +consent, which he assured her he would not fail to solicit. + +She then gave him to understand that her habitation was about +sixteen miles front Winchester, in a village which she named, and +where, as he could easily collect from her discourse, he would be +no unwelcome guest. + +In the midst of this communication they were joined by Mrs. Gauntlet, +who received him with great courtesy, thanking him again for his +politeness to Emy at the ball, and anticipated his intention by +saying that she should be very glad to see him at her house, if +ever his occasions should call him that way. + + + + + +CHAPTER XVIII. + + + + +He inquires into the Situation of this young Lady, with whom he is +enamoured--Elopes from School--Is found by the Lieutenant, conveyed +to Winchester, and sends a Letter with a copy of verses to his +Mistress. + + +He was transported with pleasure at this invitation, which he assured +her he should not neglect; and after a little more conversation +on general topics, took his leave of the charming Emilia and her +prudent mamma, who had perceived the first emotions of Mr. Pickle's +passion for her daughter, and been at some pains to inquire about +his family and fortune. + +Neither was Peregrine less inquisitive about the situation and +pedigree of his new mistress, who, he learned, was the only daughter +of a field-officer, who died before he had it in his power to +make suitable provision for his children; that the widow lived in +a frugal though decent manner on her pension, assisted by the bounty +of her relations; that the son carried arms as a volunteer in the +company which his father had commanded; and that Emilia had been +educated in London, at the expense of a rich uncle, who was seized +with the whim of marrying at the age of fifty-five; in consequence +of which his niece had returned to her mother, without any visible +dependence, except on her own conduct and qualifications. + +This account, though it could not diminish his affection, nevertheless +alarmed his pride; for his warm imagination had exaggerated all +his own prospects; and he began to fear that his passion for Emilia +might be thought to derogate from the dignity of his situation. +The struggle between his interest and love produced a perplexity +which had an evident effect upon his behaviour: he became pensive, +solitary, and peevish; avoided public diversions; and grew so remarkably +negligent in his dress, that he was scarce distinguishable by his +own acquaintance. This contention of thoughts continued several +weeks, at the end of which the charms of Emilia triumphed over +every other consideration. Having received a supply of money from +the commodore, who acted towards him with great generosity, he +ordered Pipes to put up some linen and other necessaries in a sort +of knapsack, which he could conveniently carry; and, thus attended, +set out early one morning on foot for the village where his charmer +lived, at which he arrived before two o'clock in the afternoon; +having chosen this method of travelling that his route might not +be so easily discovered, as it must have been had he hired horses, +or taken a place in the stage-coach. + +The first thing he did was to secure a convenient lodging at the +inn where he dined; then he shifted himself, and, according to the +direction he had received, went to the house of Mrs. Gauntlet in +a transport of joyous expectation. As he approached the gate, his +agitation increased; he knocked with impatience and concern, the +door opened, and he had actually asked if Mrs. Gauntlet was at +home, before he perceived that the portress was no other than his +dear Emilia. She was not without emotion at the unexpected sight +of her lover, who instantly recognising his charmer. obeyed the +irresistible impulse of his love, and caught the fair creature in +his arms. Nor did she seem offended at this forwardness of behaviour, +which might have displeased another of a less open disposition, or +less used to the freedom of a sensible education; but her natural +frankness had been encouraged and improved by the easy and familiar +intercourse in which she had been bred; and therefore, instead +of reprimanding him with a severity of look, she with great good +humour rallied him upon his assurance, which, she observed, was +undoubtedly the effect of his own conscious merit; and conducted +him into a parlour, where he found her mother, who, in very polite +terms, expressed her satisfaction at seeing him within her house. + +After tea, Miss Emy proposed an evening walk, which they enjoyed +through a variety of little copses and lawns, watered by a most +romantic stream, that quite enchanted the imagination of Peregrine. + +It was late before they returned from this agreeable excursion, and +when our lover wished the ladies good night, Mrs. Gauntlet insisted +upon his staying to supper, and treated him with particular +demonstrations of regard and affection. As her economy was not +encumbered with an unnecessary number of domestics, her own presence +was often required in different parts of the house, so that the +young gentleman was supplied with frequent opportunities of promoting +his suit by all the tender oaths and insinuations that his passion +could suggest. He protested her idea had taken such entire possession +of his heart, that finding himself unable to support her absence +one day longer, he had quitted his studies, and left his governor +by stealth, that he might visit the object of his adoration, and +be blessed in her company for a few days without interruption. + +She listened to his addresses with such affability as denoted +approbation and delight, and gently chided him as a thoughtless +truant, but carefully avoided the confession of a mutual flame; +because she discerned, in the midst of all his tenderness, a levity +of pride which she durst not venture to trust with such a declaration. +Perhaps she was confirmed in this caution by her mother, who very +wisely, in her civilities to him, maintained a sort of ceremonious +distance, which she thought not only requisite for the honour and +interest of her family, but likewise for her own exculpation, should +she ever be taxed with having encouraged or abetted him in the +imprudent sallies of his youth; yet, notwithstanding this affected +reserve, he was treated with such distinction by both, that he was +ravished with his situation, and became more and more enamoured +every day. + +While he remained under the influence of this sweet intoxication, +his absence produced great disturbance at Winchester. Mr. Jolter +was grievously afflicted at his abrupt departure, which alarmed +him the more, as it happened after a long fit of melancholy which +he had perceived in his pupil. He communicated his apprehensions to +the master of the school, who advised him to apprise the commodore of +his nephew's disappearance, and in the mean time inquire at all the +inns in town, whether he had hired horses, or any sort of carriage, +for his conveyance, or was met with on the road by any person who +could give an account of the direction in which he travelled. + +The scrutiny, though performed with great diligence and minuteness, +was altogether ineffectual; they could obtain no intelligence of +the runaway. Mr. Trunnion was well distracted at the news of his +flight; he raved with great fury at the imprudence of Peregrine, +whom in his first transports he d--d as an ungrateful deserter; +then he cursed Hatchway and Pipes, who he swore had foundered the +lad by their pernicious counsels; and, lastly, transferred his +execrations upon Jolter, because he had not kept a better look-out; +finally, he made an apostrophe to that son of a b-- the gout, +which for the present disabled him from searching for his nephew +in person. That he might not, however, neglect any means in his +power, he immediately despatched expresses to all the sea-port +towns on that coast, that he might be prevented from leaving the +kingdom; and the lieutenant, at his own desire, was sent across +the country, in quest of this young fugitive. + +Four days had he unsuccessfully carried on his inquiries with great +accuracy, when, resolving to return by Winchester, where he hoped +to meet with some hints of intelligence by which he might profit in +his future search, he struck off the common road to take the benefit +of a nearer cut; and finding himself benighted near a village, took +up his lodgings at the first inn to which his horse directed him. +Having bespoke something for supper, and retired to his chamber, +where he amused himself with a pipe, he heard a confused noise of +rustic jollity, which being all of a sudden interrupted, after a +short pause his ear was saluted with the voice of Pipes, who, at +the solicitation of the company, began to entertain them with a +song. + +Hatchway instantly recognised the well-known sound, in which, indeed, +he could not possibly be mistaken, as nothing in nature bore the +least resemblance to it; he threw his pipe into the chimney, and, +snatching up one of his pistols, ran immediately to the apartment +from whence the voice issued; he no sooner entered, than, distinguishing +his old ship-mate in a crowd of country peasants, he in a moment +sprang upon him, and, clapping his pistol to his breast, exclaimed, +" D--n you, Pipes, you are a dead man, if you don't immediately +produce young master." + +This menacing application had a much greater effect upon the +company than upon Tom, who, looking at the lieutenant with great +tranquility, replied, "Why so I can, Master Hatchway."--"What! safe +and sound?" cried the other. "As a roach," answered Pipes, so much +to the satisfaction of his friend Jack, that he shook him by the +hand, and desired him to proceed with his song. This being performed +and the reckoning discharged, the two friends adjourned to the other +room, where the lieutenant was informed of the manner in which the +young gentleman had made his elopement from college, as well as +of the other particulars of his present situation, as far as they +had fallen within the sphere of his comprehension. + +While they sat thus conferring together, Peregrine, having taken +leave of his mistress for the night, came home, and was not a +little surprised, when Hatchway, entering his chamber in his sea +attitude, thrust out his hand by way of salutation. His old pupil +received him as usual, with great cordiality, and expressed his +astonishment at meeting him in that place; but when he understood +the cause and intention of his arrival, he started with concern; +and, his visage glowing with indignation, told him he was old +enough to be judge of his own conduct, and, when he should see it +convenient, would return of himself; but those who thought he was +to be compelled to his duty, would find themselves egregiously +mistaken. + +The lieutenant assured him, that for his own part he had no +intention to offer him the least violence; but, at the same time, he +represented to him the danger of incensing the commodore, who was +already almost distracted on account of his absence: and, in short, +conveyed his arguments, which were equally obvious and valid, in +such expressions of friendship and respect, that Peregrine yielded +to his remonstrances, and promised to accompany him next day to +Winchester. + +Hatchway, overjoyed at the success of his negotiation, went +immediately to the hostler and bespoke a post-chaise for Mr. Pickle +and his man with whom he afterwards indulged himself in a double +can of rumbo, and, when the night was pretty far advanced, left the +lover to his repose, or rather to the thorns of his own meditation; +for he slept not one moment, being incessantly tortured with the +prospect of parting with his divine Emilia, who had now acquired +the most absolute empire over his soul. One minute he proposed to +depart early in the morning, without seeing this enchantress, in +whose bewitching presence he durst not trust his own resolution; +then the thoughts of leaving her in such an abrupt and disrespectful +manner interposed in favour of his love and honour. This war of +sentiments kept him all night upon the rack, and it was time to +rise before he had determined to visit his charmer, and candidly +impart the motives that induced him to leave her. + +He accordingly repaired to her mother's house with a heavy heart, +being attended to the gate by Hatchway, who did not choose to leave +him alone; and being admitted, found Emilia just risen, and, in +his opinion, more beautiful than ever. + +Alarmed at his early visit, and the gloom that overspread +his countenance, she stood in silent expectation of hearing some +melancholy tidings; and it was not till after a considerable pause, +that he collected resolution enough to tell her he was come to take +his leave. Though she strove to conceal her sorrow, nature was not +to be suppressed: every feature of her countenance saddened in +a moment; and it was not without the utmost difficulty that she +kept her lovely eyes from overflowing. He saw the situation of her +thoughts, and, in order to alleviate her concern, assured her he +should find means to see her again in a very few weeks: meanwhile +he communicated his reasons for departing, in which she readily +acquiesced; and having mutually consoled each other, their transports +of grief subsided: and before Mrs. Gauntlet came downstairs, they +were in a condition to behave with great decency and resignation. + +This good lady expressed her concern when she learned his resolution, +saying, she hoped his occasions and inclinations would permit him +to favour them with his agreeable company another time. + +The lieutenant, who began to be uneasy at Peregrine's stay, knocked +at the door, and, being introduced by his friend, had the honour of +breakfasting with the ladies; on which occasion his heart received +such a rude shock from the charms of Emilia, that he afterwards +made a merit with his friend of having constrained himself so far, +as to forbear commencing his professed rival. + +At length they bade adieu to their kind entertainers; and in less +than an hour setting out from the inn, arrived about two o'clock +in Winchester, where Mr. Jolter was overwhelmed with joy at their +appearance. + +The nature of this adventure being unknown to all except those who +could be depended upon, everybody who inquired about the cause of +Peregrine's absence, was told that he had been with a relation in +the country, and the master condescended to overlook his indiscretion; +so that Hatchway, seeing everything settled to the satisfaction +of his friend, returned to the garrison, and gave the commodore an +account of his expedition. + +The old gentleman was very much startled when he heard there was +a lady in the case, and very emphatically observed, that a man had +better be sucked into the gulf of Florida than once get into the +indraught of a woman; because, in one case, he may with good pilotage +bring out his vessel safe between the Bahamas and the Indian shore; +but in the other there is no outlet at all, and it is in vain to +strive against the current; so that of course he must be embayed, +and run chuck upon a lee-shore. He resolved, therefore, to lay the +state of the case before Gamaliel Pickle, and concert such measures +with him as should be thought likeliest to detach his son from the +pursuit of an idle amour, which could not fail of interfering in +a dangerous manner with the plan of his education. + +In the mean time, Perry's ideas were totally engrossed by his amiable +mistress, who, whether he slept or waked, was still present in his +imagination, which produced the following stanzas in her praise:-- + + Adieu! ye streams that smoothly flow; + Ye vernal airs that softly blow; + Ye plains, by blooming spring arrayed; + Ye birds that warble through the shade. + + Unhurt from you my soul could fly, + Nor drop one tear, nor heave one sigh; + But forced from Celia's charms to part, + All joy deserts my drooping heart. + + O' fairer than the rosy morn, + When flowers the dewy fields adorn; + Unsallied as the genial ray, + That warms the balmy breeze of May; + + Thy charms divinely bright appear, + And add new splendour to the year; + Improve the day with fresh delight, + And gild with joy the dreary night. + + +This juvenile production was enclosed in a very tender billet to +Emilia, and committed to the charge of Pipes, who was ordered to +set out for Mrs. Gauntlet's habitation with a present of venison, +and a compliment to the ladies; and directed to take some opportunity +of delivering the letter to miss, without the knowledge of her +mamma. + + + + + +CHAPTER XIX. + + + + +His Messenger meets with a Misfortune, to which he applies a very +extraordinary Expedient that is attended with strange Consequences. + + +As a stage-coach passed within two miles of the village where she +lived, Tom bargained with the driver for a seat on the box, and +accordingly departed on this message, though he was but indifferently +qualified for commissions of such a nature. Having received +particular injunctions about the letter, he resolved to make that +the chief object of his care, and very sagaciously conveyed it +between the stocking and the sole of his foot, where he thought +it would be perfectly secure from all injury or accident. Here it +remained until he arrived at the inn where he had formerly lodged, +when, after having refreshed himself with a draught of beer, he +pulled off his stocking, and found the poor billet sullied with +dust, and torn in a thousand tatters by the motion of his foot in +walking the last two miles of his journey. Thunderstruck at this +phenomenon, he uttered it loud whew! which was succeeded by an +exclamation of "D-- my old shoes! a bite by G--!" then he rested +his elbows on the table, and his forehead upon his two fists, and +in that attitude deliberated with himself upon the means of remedying +this misfortune. + +As he was not distracted by a vast number of ideas he soon concluded +that his best expedient would be to employ the clerk of the parish, +who he knew was a great scholar, to write another epistle according +to the directions he should give him; and never dreaming that the +mangled original would in the least facilitate this scheme, he very +wisely committed it to the flames, that it might never rise up in +judgment against him. + +Having taken this wise step, he went in quest of the scribe, to +whom he communicated his business, and promised a full pot by way +of gratification. The clerk, who was also schoolmaster, proud of an +opportunity to distinguish his talents, readily undertook the task; +and repairing with his employer to the inn, in less than a quarter +of an hour produced a morsel of eloquence so much to the satisfaction +of Pipes, that he squeezed his hand by way of acknowledgment, and +doubled his allowance of beer. This being discussed, our courier +betook himself to the house of Mrs. Gauntlet with the haunch of +venison and this succedaneous letter, and delivered his message +to the mother, who received it with great respect, and many kind +inquiries about the health and welfare of his master, attempting to +tip the messenger a crown, which he absolutely refused to accept, +in consequence of Mr. Pickle's repeated caution. While the old +gentlewoman turned to a servant in order to give directions about +the disposal of the present, Pipes looked upon this as a favourable +occasion to transact his business with Emilia, and therefore shutting +one eye, with a jerk of his thumb towards his left shoulder, and +a most significant twist of his countenance he beckoned the young +lady into another room as if he had been fraught with something of +consequence, which he wanted to impart. She understood the hint, +howsoever strangely communicated, and, by stepping to one side of +the room gave him an opportunity of slipping the epistle into her +hand, which be gently squeezed at the same time in token of regard: +then throwing a side-glance at the mother, whose back was turned, +clapped his finger on the side of his nose, thereby recommending +secrecy and discretion. + +Emilia, conveying the letter into her bosom, could not help smiling +at Tom's politeness and dexterity; but lest her mamma should +detect him in the execution of his pantomime, she broke off this +intercourse of signs, by asking aloud when he proposed to set out +on his return to Winchester? When he answered, "To-morrow morning." +Miss Gauntlet recommended him to the hospitality of her own footman, +desiring him to make much of Mr. Pipes below, where he was kept to +supper, and very cordially entertained. Our young heroine, impatient +to read her lover's billet, which made her heart throb with rapturous +expectation, retired to her chamber as soon as possible, with a +view of perusing the contents, which were these:-- + + "Divine Empress Of My Soul,--If the refulgent flames of your + beauty had not evaporated the particles of my transported + brain, and scorched my intellects into a cinder of stolidity, + perhaps the resplendency of my passion might shine illustrious + through the sable curtain of my ink, and in sublimity transcend + the galaxy itself, though wafted on the pinions of a gray goose + quill! But, ah! celestial enchantress! the necromancy of thy + tyrannical charms hath fettered my faculties with adamantine + chains, which, unless thy compassion shall melt I must eternally + remain in the Tartarean gulf of dismal despair. Vouchsafe, + therefore, O thou brightest luminary of this terrestrial sphere! + to warm, as well as shine; and let the genial rays of thy + benevolence melt the icy emanations of thy disdain, which hath + frozen up the spirits of angelic pre-eminence.--Thy most + egregious admirer and superlative slave, + "Peregrine Pickle." + + +Never was astonishment more perplexing than that of Emilia, when +she read this curious composition, which she repeated verbatim three +times before she would credit the evidence of her own senses. She +began to fear in good earnest that love had produced a disorder +in her lover's understanding; but after a thousand conjectures by +which she attempted to account for this extraordinary fustian of +style, she concluded that it was the effect of mere levity, calculated +to ridicule the passion he had formerly professed. Irritated by +this supposition, she resolved to balk his triumph with affected +indifference, and in the mean time endeavoured to expel him from +that place which he possessed within her heart. And indeed such +a victory over her inclinations might have been obtained without +great difficulty; for she enjoyed an easiness of temper that could +accommodate itself to the emergencies of her fate; and her vivacity, +by amusing her imagination, preserved herself from the keener +sensations of sorrow. Thus determined and disposed, she did not send +any sort of answer, or the least token of remembrance by Pipes, who +was suffered to depart with a general compliment from the mother, +and arrived at Winchester the next day. + +Peregrine's eyes sparkled when he saw his messenger come in, and +he stretched out his hand in full confidence of receiving some +particular mark of his Emilia's affection; but how was he confounded, +when he found his hope so cruelly disappointed! In an instant his +countenance fell. He stood for some time silent and abashed, then +thrice repeated the interrogation of "What! not one word from +Emilia?" and dubious of his courier's discretion, inquired minutely +into all the particulars of his reception. He asked if he had +seen the young lady, if she was in good health, if he had found an +opportunity of delivering his letter, and how she looked, when he +put it into her hand? Pipes answered, that he had never seen her +in better health or better spirits; that he had managed matters +so as not only to present the billet unperceived, but also to ask +her commands in private before he took his leave, when she told +him that the letter required no reply. This last circumstance he +considered as a manifest mark of disrespect, and gnawed his lips +with resentment. Upon further reflection, however, he supposed +that she could not conveniently write by the messenger, and would +undoubtedly favour him by the post. This consideration consoled +him for the present, and he waited impatiently for the fruits of +his hope; but after he had seen eight days elapse without reaping +the satisfaction with which he had flattered himself, his temper +forsook him, he raved against the whole sex, and was seized with a +fit of sullen chagrin; but his pride in a little time came to his +assistance, and rescued him from the horrors of the melancholy +fiend. He resolved to retort her own neglect upon her ungrateful +mistress; his countenance gradually resumed its former serenity; +and though by this time he was pretty well cured of his foppery, +he appeared again at public diversions with an air of gaiety and +unconcern, that Emilia might have a chance of hearing how much, in +all likelihood, he disregarded her disdain. + +There are never wanting certain officious persons, who take pleasure +in promoting intelligence of this sort. His behaviour soon reached +the ears of Miss Gauntlet, and confirmed her in the opinion she +had conceived from his letter; so that she fortified herself in her +former sentiments, and bore his indifference with great philosophy, +Thus a correspondence, which had commenced with all the tenderness +and sincerity of love, and every promise of duration, was interrupted +in its infancy by a misunderstanding occasioned by the simplicity +of Pipes, who never once reflected upon the consequences of his +deceit. + +Though their mutual passion was by these means suppressed for the +present, it was not altogether extinguished, but glowed in secret, +though even to themselves unknown, until an occasion, which afterwards +offered, blew up the latent flame, and love resumed his empire in +their breasts. While they moved, as it were, without the sphere of +each other's attraction, the commodore, hearing that Perry was in +danger of involving himself in some pernicious engagement, resolved, +by advice of Mr. Jolter and his friend the parish priest, to +recall him from the place where he had contracted such imprudent +connections, and send him to the university, where his education +might be completed, and his fancy weaned from all puerile amusements. + +This plan had been proposed to his own father, who, as hath been +already observed, stood always neuter in everything that concerned +his eldest son; and as for Mrs. Pickle, she had never heard his +name mentioned since his departure with any degree of temper or +tranquility, except when her husband informed her that he was in +a fair way of being ruined by this indiscreet amour. It was then +she began to applaud her own foresight, which had discerned the mark +of reprobation in that vicious boy, and launched out in comparison +between him and Gammy, who, she observed, was a child of uncommon +parts and solidity, and, with the blessing of God, would be a +comfort to his parents, and an ornament to the family. + +Should I affirm that this favourite whom she commended so much, was +in every respect the reverse of what she described; that he was a +boy of mean capacity, and, though remarkably distorted in his body, +much more crooked in his disposition; and that she had persuaded +her husband to espouse her opinion, though it was contrary to common +sense, as well as to his own perception;--I am afraid the reader +will think I represent a monster that never existed in nature, +and be apt to condemn the economy of my invention: nevertheless, +there is nothing more true than every circumstance of what I have +advanced; and I wish the picture, singular as it is, may not be +thought to resemble more than one original. + + + + + +CHAPTER XX. + + + + +Peregrine is summoned to attend his Uncle--Is more and more hated +by his own Mother--Appeals to his Father, whose Condescension is +defeated by the Dominion of his Wife. + + +But, waiving these reflections, let us return to Peregrine, who +received a summons to attend his uncle, and in a few days arrived +with Mr. Jolter and Pipes at the garrison, which he filled with +joy and satisfaction. The alteration, which, during his absence, +had happened in his person, was very favourable to his appearance, +which, from that of a comely boy, was converted into that of a most +engaging youth. He was already taller than a middle-sized man, his +shape ascertained, his sinews well knit, his mien greatly improved, +and his whole figure as elegant and graceful as if it had been cast +in the same mould with the Apollo of Belvedere. + +Such an outside could not fail of prepossessing people in his +favour. The commodore, notwithstanding the advantageous reports he +had heard, found his expectation exceeded in the person of Peregrine, +and signified his approbation in the most sanguine terms. Mrs. +Trunnion was struck with his genteel address, and received him +with uncommon marks of complacency and affection: he was caressed +by all the people in the neighbourhood, who, while they admired +his accomplishments, could not help pitying his infatuated mother, +for being deprived of that unutterable delight which any other +parent would have enjoyed in the contemplation of such an amiable +son. + +Divers efforts were made by some well-disposed people to conquer, if +possible, this monstrous prejudice; but their endeavours, instead +of curing, served only to inflame the distemper, and she never could +be prevailed upon to indulge him with the least mark of maternal +regard. On the contrary, her original disgust degenerated into such +inveteracy of hatred, that she left no stone unturned to alienate +the commodore's affection for this her innocent child, and even +practised the most malicious defamation to accomplish her purpose. +Every day, did she abuse her husband's ear with some forged instance +of Peregrine's ingratitude to his uncle, well knowing that it would +reach the commodore's knowledge at night. + +Accordingly Mr. Pickle used to tell him at the club, that his +hopeful favourite had ridiculed him in such a company, and aspersed +his spouse on another occasion; and thus retail the little scandalous +issue of his own wife's invention. Luckily for Peregrine, the +commodore paid no great regard to the authority of his informer, +because he knew from what channel the intelligence flowed; besides, +the youth had a staunch friend in Mr. Hatchway, who never failed to +vindicate him when he was thus unjustly accused, and always found +argument enough to confute the assertions of his enemies. But, though +Trunnion had been dubious of the young gentleman's principles, and +deaf to the remonstrances of the lieutenant, Perry was provided +with a bulwark strong enough to defend him from all such assaults. +This was no other than his aunt, whose regard for him was perceived +to increase in the same proportion as his own mother's diminished; +and, indeed, the augmentation of the one was, in all probability, +owing to the decrease of the other; for the two ladies, with great +civility, performed all the duties of good neighbourhood, and hated +each other most piously in their hearts. + +Mrs. Pickle, having been disobliged at the splendour of her sister's +new equipage, had, ever since that time, in the course of her +visiting, endeavoured to make people merry with satirical jokes +on the poor lady's infirmities; and Mrs. Trunnion seized. the very +first opportunity of making reprisals, by inveighing against her +unnatural behaviour to her own child; so that Peregrine, as on +the one hand he was abhorred, so on the other was he caressed, in +consequence of this contention; and I firmly believe that the most +effectual method of destroying his interest at the garrison, would +have been the show of countenancing him at his father's house; +but, whether this conjecture be reasonable or chimerical, certain +it is the experiment was never tried, and therefore Mr. Peregrine +ran no risk of being disgraced. The commodore, who assumed, and +justly too, the whole merit of his education, was now as proud of +the youth's improvements as if he had actually been his own offspring; +and sometimes his affection rose to such a pitch of enthusiasm, +that he verily believed him to be the issue of his own loins. +Notwithstanding this favourable predicament in which our hero stood +with his aunt and her husband, he could not help feeling the injury +he suffered from the caprice of his mother; and though the gaiety +of his disposition hindered him from afflicting himself with +reflections of any gloomy cast, he did not fail to foresee, that if +any sudden accident should deprive him of the commodore, he would +in all likelihood find himself in a very disagreeable situation. +Prompted by this consideration, he one evening accompanied his uncle +to the club, and was introduced to his father, before that worthy +gentleman had the least inkling of his arrival. + +Mr. Gamaliel was never so disconcerted as at this reencounter. +His own disposition would not suffer him to do anything that might +create the least disturbance, or interrupt his enjoyment; so strongly +was he impressed with the terror of his wife, that he durst not +yield to the tranquility of his temper: and, as I have already +observed, his inclination was perfectly neutral. Thus distracted +between different motives, when Perry was presented to him, he sat +silent and absorbed, as if he did not or would not perceive the +application; and when he was urged to declare himself by the youth, +who pathetically begged to know how he had incurred his displeasure, +he answered, in a peevish strain, "Why, good now, child, what would +you have me to do? your mother can't abide you."--"If my mother +is so unkind, I will not call it unnatural," said Peregrine, the +tears of indignation starting from his eyes, "as to banish me from +her presence and affection, without the least cause assigned; I +hope you will not be so unjust as to espouse her barbarous prejudice." + +Before Mr. Pickle had time to reply to his expostulation, for which +he was not at all prepared, the commodore interposed, and enforced +his favourite's remonstrance, by telling Mr. Gamaliel that he was +ashamed to see any man drive in such a miserable manner under his +wife's petticoat. "As for my own part," said he, raising his voice, +and assuming a look of importance and command, "before I would +suffer myself to be steered all weathers by any woman in Christendom, +d'ye see, I'd raise such a hurricane about her ears, that--" Here +he was interrupted by Mr. Hatchway, who thrusting his head towards +the door, in the attitude of one that listens, cried, "Ahey, +there's your spouse come to pay us a visit." Trunnion's features +that instant adopted a new disposition; fear and confusion took +possession of his countenance; his voice, from a tone of vociferation, +sank into a whisper of, "Sure, you must be mistaken, Jack;" and, in +great perplexity, he wiped off his sweat which had started on his +forehead at this false alarm. The lieutenant, having thus punished +him for the rodomontade he had uttered, told him, with an arch sneer, +that he was deceived with the sound of the outward door creaking +upon its hinges, which he mistook for Mrs. Trunnion's voice, and +desired him to proceed with his admonitions to Mr. Pickle. It is +not to be denied that this arrogance was a little unseasonable to +the commodore, who was in all respects as effectually subdued to +the dominion of his wife as the person whose submission he then +ventured to condemn; with this difference of disposition--, Trunnion's +subjection was like that of a bear, chequered with fits of surliness +and rage; whereas Pickle bore the yoke like an ox, without repining. +No wonder, then, that this indolence, this sluggishness, this +stagnation of temper rendered Gamaliel incapable of withstanding +the arguments and importunity of his friends, to which he at length +surrendered. He acquiesced in the justice of their observations: +and, taking his son by the hand, promised to favour him for the +future with his love and fatherly protection. + +But this laudable resolution did not last. Mrs. Pickle, still +dubious of his constancy, and jealous of his communication with +the commodore, never failed to interrogate him every night about +the conversation that happened at the club, and to regulate her +exhortations according to the intelligence she received. He was +no sooner, therefore, conveyed to bed (that academy in which all +notable wives communicate their lectures), when her catechism began; +and she in a moment perceived something reluctant and equivocal +in her husband's answers. Aroused at this discovery, she employed +her influence and skill with such success, that he disclosed every +circumstance of what had happened; and after having sustained +a most severe rebuke for his simplicity and indiscretion, humbled +himself so far as to promise that he would next day annul the +condescensions he had made, and for ever renounce the ungracious +object of her disgust. This undertaking was punctually performed +in a letter to the commodore, which she herself dictated in these +words:-- + + "Sir--Whereas my good-nature being last night imposed upon, I + was persuaded to countenance and promise I know not what to + that vicious youth, whose parent I have the misfortune to be; + I desire you will take notice that I will revoke all such + countenance and promises, and shall never look upon that man + as my friend who will, in such a cause, solicit,-- + Sir, yours, etc. + "Gam. Pickle." + + + + + +CHAPTER XXI. + + + + +Trunnion is enraged at the conduct of Pickle--Peregrine resents +the Injustice of his Mother, to whom he explains his Sentiments in +a Letter-Is entered at the University of Oxford, where he signalizes +himself as a Youth of an enterprising Genius. + + +Unspeakable were the transports of rage to which Trunnion was +incensed by this absurd renunciation: he tore the letter with his +gums (teeth he had none), spit with furious grimaces, in token +of the contempt he entertain the for the author, whom he not only +damned as a lousy, scabby, nasty, scurvy, skulking lubberly noodle, +but resolved to challenge to single combat with fire and sword; +but, he was dissuaded from this violent measure, and appeased by +the intervention and advice of the lieutenant and Mr. Jolter, who +represented the message as the effect of the poor man's infirmity, +for which he was rather an object of pity than of resentment, and +turned the stream of his indignation against the wife, whom he +reviled accordingly. Nor did Peregrine himself bear with patience +this injurious declaration, the nature of which he no sooner +understood from Hatchway than, equally shocked and exasperated, he +retired to his apartment, and, in the first emotions of his ire, +produced the following epistle, which was immediately conveyed to +his mother,-- + + "Madam,--Had nature formed me a bugbear to the sight, and + inspired me with a soul as vicious as my body was detestable, + perhaps I might have enjoyed particular marks of your affection + and applause; seeing you have persecuted me with such unnatural + aversion, for no other visible reason than that of my differing + so widely in shape as well as disposition from that deformed + urchin who is the object of your tenderness and care. If these be + the terms on which alone I can obtain your favour, I pray God + you may never cease to hate,--Madam, your much-injured son, + "Peregrine Pickle." + + +This letter, which nothing, but his passion and inexperience +could excuse, had such an effect upon his mother as may be easily +conceived. She was enraged to a degree of frenzy against the +writer; though, at the same time, she considered the whole as the +production of Mrs. Trunnion's particular pique, and represented it +to her husband as an insult that he was bound in honour to resent, +by breaking off all correspondence with the commodore and his family. +This was a bitter pill to Gamaliel, who, through a long course of +years, was so habituated to Trunnion's company, that he could as +easily have parted with a limb as have relinquished the club all +at once. He therefore ventured to represent his own incapacity to +follow her advice, and begged that be might, at least, be allowed +to drop the connection gradually, protesting that he would do his +endeavour to give her all manner of satisfaction. + +Meanwhile preparations were made for Peregrine's departure to the +university, and in a few weeks he set out, in the seventeenth year +of his age, accompanied by the same attendants who lived with him +at Winchester. His uncle laid strong injunctions upon him to avoid +the company of immodest women, to mind his learning, to let him hear +of his welfare as often as he could find time to write, and settled +his appointments at the rate of five hundred a year, including his +governor's salary, which was one-fifth part of the sum. The heart +of our young gentleman dilated at the prospect of the figure he +should make with such a handsome annuity the management of which +was left to his own discretion; and he amused his imagination with +the most agreeable reveries during his journey to Oxford, which +he performed in two days. Here, being introduced to the head of +the college, to whom he had been recommended, accommodated with +genteel apartments, entered as gentleman commoner in the books, and +provided with a judicious tutor, instead of returning to the study +of Greek and Latin, in which he thought himself already sufficiently +instructed, he renewed his acquaintance with some of his old +school-fellows, whom he found in the same situation, and was by +them initiated in all the fashionable diversions of the place. + +It was not long before he made himself remarkable for his spirit +and humour, which were so acceptable to the bucks of the university, +that he was admitted as a member of their corporation, and in a +very little time became the most conspicuous personage of the whole +fraternity. Not that he valued himself upon his ability in smoking +the greatest number of pipes, and drinking the largest quantity of +ale: these were qualifications of too gross a nature to captivate +his refined ambition. He piqued himself on his talent for raillery, +his genius and taste, his personal accomplishments, and his success +at intrigue. Nor were his excursions confined to the small villages +in the neighbourhood, which are commonly visited once a week. by +the students for the sake of carnal recreation. He kept his own +horses, traversed the whole country in parties of pleasure, attended +all the races within fifty miles of Oxford, and made frequent jaunts +to London, where he used to be incognito during the best part of +many a term. + +The rules of the university were too severe to be observed by a +youth of his vivacity; and therefore he became acquainted with the +proctor betimes. But all the checks he received were insufficient +to moderate his career; he frequented taverns and coffee-houses, +committed midnight frolics in the streets, insulted all the sober +and pacific class of his fellow-students: the tutors themselves +were not sacred from his ridicule; he laughed at the magistrate, and +neglected every particular of college discipline. In vain did they +attempt to restrain his irregularities by the imposition of fines; +he was liberal to profusion, and therefore paid without reluctance. +Thrice did he scale the windows of a tradesman, with whose daughter +he had an affair of gallantry; as often was he obliged to seek +his safety by a precipitate leap; and one night would, in all +probability, have fallen a sacrifice to an ambuscade that was laid +by the father, had not his trusty squire Pipes interposed in his +behalf, and manfully rescued him from the clubs of his enemies. + +In the midst of these excesses, Mr. Jolter, finding his admonitions +neglected and his influence utterly destroyed, attempted to wean +his pupil from his extravagant courses, by engaging his attention +in some more laudable pursuit. With this view he introduced him into +a club of politicians, who received him with great demonstrations of +regard, accommodated themselves more than he could have expected +to his jovial disposition, and while they revolved schemes +for the reformation of the state, drank with such devotion to the +accomplishment of their plans, that, before parting, the cares of +their patriotism were quite overwhelmed. + +Peregrine, though he could not approve of their doctrine, resolved +to attach himself for some time to their company, because he +perceived ample subject for his ridicule in the characters of these +wrong-headed enthusiasts. It was a constant practice with them, +in their midnight consistories, to swallow such plentiful draughts +of inspiration, that their mysteries commonly ended like those of +the Bacchanalian orgia; and they were seldom capable of maintaining +that solemnity of decorum which, by the nature of their functions, +most of them were obliged to profess. Now, as Peregrine's satirical +disposition was never more gratified than when he had an opportunity +of exposing grave characters in ridiculous attitudes, he laid a +mischievous snare for his new confederates, which took effect in +this manner:--In one of their nocturnal deliberations, he promoted +such a spirit of good fellowship by the agreeable sallies of his wit, +which were purposely leveled against their political adversaries, +that by ten o'clock they were all ready to join in the most +extravagant proposal that could be made. They broke their glasses +in consequence of his suggestion, drank healths out of their shoes, +caps, and the bottoms of the candlesticks that stood before them, +sometimes standing with one foot on a chair, and the knee bent on +the edge of the table; and when they could no longer stand in that +posture, setting their bare posteriors on the cold floor. They +huzzaed, hallooed, danced, and sang, and, in short, were elevated +to such a pitch of intoxication, that when Peregrine proposed that +they should burn their periwigs, the hint was immediately approved, +and they executed the frolic as one man. Their shoes and caps +underwent the same fate by the same instigation, and in this trim +he led them forth into the street, where they resolved to compel +everybody they should find to subscribe to their political creed, +and pronounce the Shibboleth of their party. In the achievement of +this enterprise, they met with more opposition than they expected; +they were encountered with arguments which they could not well +withstand; the noses of some, and eyes of others, in a very little +time bore the marks of obstinate disputation. Their conductor having +at length engaged the whole body in a fray with another squadron +which was pretty much in the same condition, he very fairly gave +them the slip, and slyly retreated to his apartment, foreseeing +that his companions would soon be favoured with the notice of their +superiors: nor was he deceived in his prognostic; the proctor, +going his round, chanced to fall in with this tumultuous uproar, +and, interposing his authority, found means to quiet the disturbance. +He took cognizance of their names, and dismissed the rioters to their +respective chambers, not a little scandalized at the behaviour of +some among them, whose business and duty it was to set far other +examples for the youth under their care and direction. + +About midnight, Pipes, who had orders to attend at a distance, and +keep an eye upon Jolter, brought home that unfortunate governor +upon his back, Peregrine having beforehand secured his admittance +into the college; and among other bruises, he was found to have +received a couple of contusions on his face, which next morning +appeared in a black circle that surrounded each eye. + +This was a mortifying circumstance to a man of his character and +deportment, especially as he had received a message from the proctor, +who desired to see him forthwith. With great humility and contrition +he begged the advice of his pupil, who being used to amuse himself +with painting, assured Mr. Jolter that he would cover those signs +of disgrace with a slight coat of flesh-colour so dexterously, that +it would be almost impossible to distinguish the artificial from +the natural skin. The rueful governor, rather than expose such +opprobrious tokens to the observation and censure of the magistrate, +submitted to the expedient. Although his counsellor had overrated +his own skill, he was persuaded to confide in the disguise, and +actually attended the proctor, with such a staring addition to the +natural ghastliness of his features, that his visage bore a very apt +resemblance to some of those ferocious countenances that hang over +the doors of certain taverns and ale-houses, under the denomination +of the Saracen's head. + +Such a remarkable alteration of physiognomy could not escape the +notice of the most undiscerning beholder, much less the penetrating +eye of his severe judge, already whetted with what he had seen +over-night. He was therefore upbraided with this ridiculous and +shallow artifice, and, together with the companions of his debauch, +underwent such a cutting reprimand for the scandalous irregularity +of his conduct, that all of them remained crest-fallen, and were +ashamed, for many weeks, to appear in the public execution of their +duty. + +Peregrine was too vain of his finesse, to conceal the part he +acted in this comedy, with the particulars of which he regaled his +companions, and thereby entailed upon himself the hate and resentment +of the community whose maxims and practices he had disclosed: for +he was considered as a spy, who had intruded himself into their +society, with a view of betraying it; or, at best, as an apostate +and renegado from the faith and principles which he had professed. + + + + + +CHAPTER XXII. + + + + +He is insulted by his Tutor, whom he lampoons--Makes a considerable +Progress in Polite Literature; and, in an Excursion to Windsor, +meets with Emilia by accident, and is very coldly received. + + +Among those who suffered by his craft and infidelity was Mr. Jumble, +his own tutor, who could not at all digest the mortifying affront +he had received, and was resolved to be revenged on the insulting +author. With this view he watched the conduct of Mr. Pickle with +the utmost rancour of vigilance, and let slip no opportunity of +treating him disrespect, which he knew the disposition of his pupil +could less brook than any other severity it was in his power to +exercise. + +Peregrine had been several mornings absent from chapel; and as Mr. +Jumble never failed to question him in a very peremptory style +about his non-attendance, he invented some very plausible excuses; +but at length his ingenuity was exhausted: he received a very galling +rebuke for his proffigacy of morals; and, that he might feel it +the more sensibly, was ordered, by way of exercise, to compose a +paraphrase in English verse upon these two lines in Virgil:-- + + Vane Ligur, frustraque animis elate superbis, + Nequicquam patrias tentasti lubricus artes. + + +The imposition of this invidious theme had all the desired effect +upon Peregrine, who not only considered it as a piece of unmannerly +abuse leveled against his own conduct, but also a retrospective +insult on the memory of his grandfather, who, as he had been informed, +was in his lifetime more noted for his cunning than candour in +trade. + +Exasperated at this instance of the pedant's audacity, he had +well nigh, in his first transports, taken corporal satisfaction on +the spot; but, foreseeing the troublesome consequences that would +attend such a flagrant outrage against the laws of the university, +he checked his indignation, and resolved to revenge the injury in a +more cool and contemptuous manner. Thus determined, he set on foot +an inquiry into the particulars of Jumble's parentage and education. +He learnt that the father of this insolent tutor was a brick-layer, +that his mother sold pies, and that the son, in different periods +of his youth, had amused himself in both occupations, before he +converted his views to the study of learning. Fraught with this +intelligence, he composed the following ballad in doggerel rhymes; +and next day, presented it as a gloss upon the text which the tutor +had chosen:-- + + Come, listen, ye students of every degree; + I sing of a wit and a tutor perdie, + A statesman profound, a critic immense, + In short a mere jumble of learning and sense; + And yet of his talents though laudably vain, + His own family arts he could never attain. + + His father, intending his fortune to build, + In his youth would have taught him the trowel to wield, + But the mortar of discipline never would stick, + For his skull was secured by a facing of brick; + And with all his endeavours of patience and pain, + The skill of his sire he could never attain. + + His mother, a housewife neat, artful, and wise, + Renown'd for her delicate biscuit and pies, + soon alter'd his studies, by flattering his taste, + From the raising of walls to the rearing of paste! + But all her instructions were fruitless and vain; + The pie-making mystery he ne'er could attain. + + Yet true to his race, in his labours were seen + A jumble of both their professions, I ween; + For, when his own genius he ventured to trust, + His pies seemed of brick, and his houses of crust. + Then good Mr. Tutor, pray be not so vain, + Since your family arts you could never attain. + + +This impudent production was the most effectual vengeance he could +have taken on his tutor, who had all the supercilious arrogance +and ridiculous pride of a low-born pedant. Instead of overlooking +this petulant piece of satire with that temper and decency +of disdain that became a person of his gravity and station, he no +sooner cast his eye over the performance, than the blood rushed +into his countenance, and immediately after exhibited a ghastly +pale colour. With a quivering lip, he told his pupil, that he was +an impertinent jackanapes; and he would take care that he should +be expelled from the university, for having presumed to write and +deliver such a licentious and scurrilous libel. Peregrine answered, +with great resolution, that when the provocation he had received +should be known, he was persuaded that he should be acquitted by +the opinion of all impartial people; and that he was ready to submit +the whole to the decision of the master. + +This arbitration he proposed, because he knew the master and +Jumble were at variance; and, for that reason, the tutor durst not +venture to put the cause on such an issue. Nay, when this reference +was mentioned, Jumble, who was naturally jealous, suspected that +Peregrine had a promise of protection before he undertook to commit +such an outrageous insult; and this notion had such an effect upon +him, that he decided to devour his vexation, and wait for a more +proper opportunity of gratifying his hate. Meanwhile, copies of +the ballad were distributed among the students, who sang it under +the very nose of Mr. Jumble, to the tune of "A Cobbler there +was" etc.; and the triumph of our hero was complete. Neither was +his whole time devoted to the riotous extravagancies of youth. He +enjoyed many lucid intervals, during which he contracted a more +intimate acquaintance with the classics, applied himself to the +reading of history, improved his taste for painting and music, +in which he made some progress; and, above all things, cultivated +the study of natural philosophy. It was generally after a course +of close attention to some of these arts and sciences, that his +disposition broke out into those irregularities and wild sallies +of a luxuriant imagination, for which he became so remarkable; and +he was perhaps the only young man in Oxford who, at the same time, +maintained an intimate and friendly intercourse with the most +unthinking, as well as the most sedate students at the university. + +It is not to be supposed that a young man of Peregrine's vanity, +inexperience, and profusion, could suit his expense to his allowance, +liberal as it was--for he was not one of those fortunate people who +are born economists, and knew not the art of withholding his purse +when he saw his companion in difficulty. Thus naturally generous and +expensive, he squandered away his money, and made a most splendid +appearance upon the receipt of his quarterly appointment; but long +before the third month was elapsed, his finances were consumed: +and as he could not stoop to ask an extraordinary supply, was too +proud to borrow, and too haughty to run in debt with tradesmen, he +devoted those periods of poverty to the prosecution of his studies, +and shone forth again at the revolution of quarter-day. + +In one of these eruptions he and some of his companions went to +Windsor, in order to see the royal apartments in the castle, whither +they repaired in the afternoon; and as Peregrine stood contemplating +the picture of Hercules and Omphale, one of his fellow-students +whispered in his car, "Zounds! Pickle, there are two fine girls!" +He turned instantly about, and in one of them recognized his almost +forgotten Emilia; her appearance acted upon his imagination like a +spark of fire that falls among gun-powder; that passion which had +lain dormant for the space of two years, flashed up in a moment, +and he was seized with a trepidation. She perceived and partook of +his emotion; for their souls, like unisons, vibrated with the same +impulse. However, she called her pride and resentment to her aid, +and found resolution enough to retire from such a dangerous scene. + +Alarmed at her retreat, he recollected all his assurance, and, +impelled by love, which he could no longer resist, followed her into +the next room, where, in the most disconcerted manner, he accosted +her with "Your humble servant, Miss Gauntlet;" to which salutation +she replied, with an affectation of indifference, that did not, +however, conceal her agitation, "Your servant, sir;" and immediately +extending her finger toward the picture of Duns Scotus, which is +fixed over one of the doors, asked her companion, in a giggling +tone, if she did not think he looked like a conjurer? Peregrine, +nettled into spirits by this reception, answered for the other lady, +"that it was an easy matter to be a conjurer in those times, when +the simplicity of the age assisted his divination; but were he, +or Merlin himself, to rise from the dead now, when such deceit and +dissimulation prevail, they would not be able to earn their bread +by the profession."--"0! Sir," said she, turning full upon him, +"without doubt they would adopt new maxims; 'tis no disparagement +in this enlightened age for one to alter one's opinion."--"No, +sure, madam," replied the youth, with some precipitation, "provided +the change be for the better."--"And should it happen otherwise," +retorted the nymph, with a flirt of her fan, "inconstancy will +never want countenance from the practice of mankind."-"True, madam," +resumed our hero, fixing his eyes upon her; "examples of levity are +every where to be met with."-"Oh Lord, sir," cried Emilia, tossing +her head, "you'll scarce ever find a fop without it." + +By this time his companion, seeing him engaged with one of the +ladies, entered into conversation with the other; and, in order to +favour his friend's gallantry, conducted her into the next apartment, +on pretence of entertaining her with the sight of a remarkable +piece of painting. + +Peregrine, laying hold on this opportunity of being alone with the +object of his love, assumed a most seducing tenderness of look, +and, heaving a profound sigh, asked if she had utterly discarded +him from her remembrance. Reddening at this pathetic question, +which recalled the memory of the imagined slight he had put upon +her, she answered in great confusion, "Sir, I believe I once had +the pleasure of seeing you at a ball in Winchester."--"Miss Emilia," +said he, very gravely, "will you be so candid as to tell me what +misbehaviour of mine you are pleased to punish, by restricting your +remembrance to that single occasion?"--"Mr. Pickle," she replied, +in the same tone, "it is neither my province nor inclination to +judge your conduct; and therefore you misapply your question when +you ask such an explanation of me"--"At least" resumed our lover, +"give me the melancholy satisfaction to know for what offence of +mine you refused to take least notice of that letter which I had the +honour to write from Winchester by your own express permission."--"Your +letter" said miss, with great vivacity, "neither required, nor, in +my opinion, deserved an answer; and to be free with you, Mr. Pickle, +it was but a shallow artifice to rid yourself of a correspondence +you had deigned to solicit." + +Peregrine, confounded at this repartee, replied that howsoever he +might have failed in point of elegance or discretion, he was sure +he had not been deficient in expressions of respect and devotion for +those charms which it was his pride to adore: "As for the verses," +said he, "I own they were unworthy of the theme; but I flattered +myself that they would have merited your acceptance, though not +your approbation, and been considered not so much as the proof of +my genius, as the genuine effusion of my love."--"Verses," cried +Emilia with an air of astonishment, "what verses? I really don't +understand you." + +The young gentleman was thunderstruck at this exclamation; to which, +after a long pause, he answered: "I begin to suspect, and heartily +wish it may appear, that we have misunderstood each other from the +beginning. Pray, Miss Gauntlet, did you not find a copy of verses +inclosed in that unfortunate letter?"--"Truly, sit," said the lady, +"I am not so much of a connoisseur as to distinguish whether that +facetious production, which you merrily style as an unfortunate +letter, was composed in verse or prose; but methinks, the jest is +a little too stale to be brought upon the carpet again." So saying, +she tripped away to her companion, and left her lover in a most +tumultuous suspense. He now perceived that her neglect of his +addresses when he was at Winchester, must have been owing to some +mystery which he could not comprehend; and she began to suspect +and to hope that the letter which she received was spurious, though +she could not conceive how that could possibly happen, as it had +been delivered to her by the hands of his own servant. + +However, she resolved to leave the task of unravelling this affair +to him, who, she knew, would infallibly exert himself for his own +as well as her satisfaction. She was not deceived in her opinion: +he went up to her again at the staircase, and, as they were improvided +with a male attendant, insisted upon squiring the ladies to their +lodgings. Emilia saw his drift, which was no other than to know where +she lived; and though she approved of his contrivance, thought it +was incumbent upon her, for the support of her own dignity, to decline +the chivalry; she therefore thanked him for his polite offer, but +would by no means consent to his giving himself such unnecessary +trouble, especially as they had a very little way to walk. He was +not repulsed by this refusal, the nature of which he perfectly +understood; nor was she sorry to see him persevere in his +determination: he therefore accompanied them in their return, and +made divers efforts to speak with Emilia in particular; but she had +a spice of the coquette in her disposition, and being determined to +whet his impatience, artfully baffled all his endeavours, by keeping +her companion continually engaged in the conversation, which turned +upon the venerable appearance and imperial situation of the place. +Thus tantalized, he lounged with them to the door of the house in +which they lodged, when his mistress, perceiving, by the countenance +of her comrade, that she was on the point of desiring him to walk +in, checked her intention with a frown; then, turning to Mr. Pickle, +dropped him a very formal curtsy, seized the other young lady by +the arm, and saying, "Come, cousin Sophy," vanished in a moment. + + + + + +CHAPTER XXIII. + + + + +After sundry unsuccessful Efforts, he finds means to come to an +Explanation with his Mistress; and a Reconciliation ensues. + + +Peregrine, disconcerted at their sudden disappearance, stood for +some minutes gaping in the street, before he could get the better +of his surprise; and then deliberated with himself whether he should +demand immediate admittance to his mistress, or choose some other +method of application. Piqued at her abrupt behaviour, though +pleased with her spirit, he set his invention to work, in order to +contrive some means of seeing her: and in a fit of musing arrived +at the inn, where he found his companions, whom he had left at +the castle-gate. They had already made inquiry about the ladies; +in consequence of which he learnt that Miss Sophy was daughter +of a gentleman in town to which his mistress was related; that an +intimate friendship subsisted between the two young ladies; that +Emilia had lived almost a month with her cousin, and appeared +at the last assembly, where she was universally admired: and that +several young gentlemen of fortune had since that time teased her +with addresses. + +Our hero's ambition was flattered, and his passion inflamed with +this intelligence; and he swore within himself that he would not +quit the spot until he should have obtained an undisputed victory +over all his rivals. + +That same evening he composed a most eloquent epistle, in which he +earnestly entreated that she would favour him with an opportunity +of vindicating his conduct: but she would neither receive his +billet, nor see his messenger. Balked in this effort, he inclosed +it in a new cover directed by another hand, and ordered Pipes to ride +next morning to London, on purpose to deliver it at the post-office; +that coming by such conveyance she might have no suspicion of the +author, and open it before she should be aware of the deceit. + +Three days he waited patiently for the effect of this stratagem, +and, in the afternoon of the fourth, ventured to hazard a formal +visit, in quality of an old acquaintance. But here too he failed in +his attempt: she was indisposed, and could not see company. These +obstacles served only to increase his eagerness: he still adhered +to his former resolution; and his companions, understanding +his determination, left him next day to his own inventions. +Thus relinquished to his own ideas, he doubled his assiduity, and +practised every method his imagination could suggest, in order to +promote his plan. + +Pipes was stationed all day long within sight of her door, that +he might be able to give his master an account of her motions; but +she never went abroad except to visit in the neighbourhood, and was +always housed before Peregrine could be apprised of her appearance. +He went to church with a view of attracting her notice, and humbled +his deportment before her; but she was so mischievously devout as +to look at nothing but her book, so that he was not favoured with +one glance of regard. He frequented the coffee-house, and attempted to +contract an acquaintance with Miss Sophy's father, who, he hoped, +would invite him to his house: but this expectation was also +defeated. That prudent gentleman looked upon him as one of those +forward fortune-hunters who go about the country seeking whom they +may devour, and warily discouraged all his advances. Chagrined by +so many unsuccessful endeavours, he began to despair of accomplishing +his aim; and, as the last suggestion of his art, paid off his +lodging, took horse at noon, and departed, in all appearance, for +the place from whence he had come. He rode, but a few miles, and in +the dusk of the evening returned unseen, alighted at another inn, +ordered Pipes to stay within doors, and keeping himself incognito, +employed another person as a sentinel upon Emilia. + +It was not long before he reaped the fruits of his ingenuity. Next +day in the afternoon he was informed by his spy that the two young +ladies were gone to walk in the park, whither he followed them on +the instant, fully determined to come to an explanation with his +mistress, even in presence of her friend, who might possibly be +prevailed upon to interest herself in his behalf. + +When he saw them at such a distance that they could not return to +town before he should have an opportunity of putting his resolution +in practice, he mended his pace, and found means to appear before +them so suddenly, that Emilia could not help expressing her +surprise in a scream. Our lover, putting on a mien of humility and +mortification, begged to know if her resentment was implacable; +and asked why she had so cruelly refused to grant him the common +privilege that every criminal enjoyed. "Dear Miss Sophy," said he, +addressing himself to her companion, "give me leave to implore your +intercession with your cousin. I am sure you have humanity enough +to espouse my cause, did you but know the justice of it; and +I flatter myself that by your kind interposition I may be able to +rectify that fatal misunderstanding which hath made me wretched."--" +Sir," said Sophy, "you appear like a gentleman, and I doubt not +but your behaviour has been always suitable to your appearance; +but you must excuse me from undertaking any such office in behalf +of a person whom I have not the honour to know."--"Madam," answered +Peregrine, "I hope Miss Emy will justify my pretensions to that +character, notwithstanding the mystery of her displeasure, which, +upon my honour, I cannot for my soul explain."--"Lord! Mr. Pickle," +said Emilia, who had by this time recollected herself, "I never +questioned your gallantry and taste; but I am resolved that you +shall never have cause to exercise your talents at my expense; so +that you tease yourself and me to no purpose. Come, Sophy, let us +walk home again."--"Good God! madam," cried the lover, with great +emotion, "why will you distract me with such barbarous indifference? +Stay, dear Emilia!--I conjure you on my knees to stay and hear +me. By all that is sacred, I was not to blame. You must have been +imposed upon by some villain who envied my good fortune, and took +some treacherous method to ruin my love." + +Miss Sophy, who possessed a large stock of good nature, and to +whom her cousin had communicated the cause of her reserve, seeing +the young gentleman so much affected with that disdain which she +knew to be feigned, laid hold on Emilia's sleeve, saying, with a +smile, "Not quite so fast, Emily. I begin to perceive that this is +a love-quarrel, and therefore there may be hopes of a reconciliation; +for I suppose both parties are open to conviction."--"For my own +part," cried Peregrine, with great eagerness, "I appeal to Miss +Sophy's decision. But why do I say appeal? Though I am conscious of +having committed no offence, I am ready to submit to any penance, +let it be never so rigorous, that my fair enslaver herself shall +impose, provided it will entitle me to her favour and forgiveness +at last." Emily, well nigh overcome by this declaration, told him, +that as she taxed him with no guilt, she expected no atonement, +and pressed her companion to return to town. But Sophy, who was +too indulgent to her friend's real inclination to comply with her +request, observed that the gentleman seemed so reasonable in his +concessions, that she began to think her cousin was in the wrong, +and felt herself disposed to act as umpire in the dispute. + +Overjoyed at this condescension, Mr. Pickle thanked her in the most +rapturous terms, and, in the transport of his expectation, kissed +the hand of his kind mediatrix--a circumstance which had a remarkable +effect on the countenance of Emilia, who did not seem to relish +the warmth of his acknowledgment. + +After many supplications on one hand, and pressing remonstrances +on the other, she yielded at length, and, turning to her lover. +while her face was overspread with blushes,--"Well, sir," said +she, "supposing I were to put the difference on that issue, how +could you excuse the ridiculous letter which you sent to me from +Winchester?" This expostulation introduced a discussion of the whole +affair, in which all the circumstances were canvassed; and Emilia +still affirmed, with great heat, that the letter must have been +calculated to affront her; for she could not suppose the author +was so weak as to design it for any other purpose. + +Peregrine, who still retained in his memory the substance of this +unlucky epistle, as well as the verses which were inclosed, could +recollect no particular expression which could have justly given +the least umbrage; and therefore, in the agonies of perplexity, +begged that the whole might be submitted to the judgment of Miss +Sophy, and faithfully promised to stand to her award. In short, this +proposal was, with seeming reluctance, embraced by Emilia, and an +appointment made to meet next day in the place, whither both parties +were desired to come provided with their credentials, according to +which definitive sentence would be pronounced. + +Our lover, having succeeded thus far, overwhelmed Sophy with +acknowledgments on account of her generous mediation; and in the +course of their walk, which Emilia was now in no hurry to conclude, +whispered a great many tender protestations in the ear of his +mistress, who nevertheless continued to act upon the reserve, until +her doubts should be more fully resolved. + +Mr. Pickle, having found means to amuse them in the fields till the +twilight, was obliged to wish them good even, after having obtained +a solemn repetition of their promise to meet him at the appointed +time and place, and then retreated to his apartment, where he +spent the whole night in various conjectures on the subject of the +letter, the Gordian knot of which he could by no means untie. One +while he imagined that some wag had played a trick on his messenger, +in consequence of which Emilia had received a supposititious letter; +but, upon farther reflection, he could not conceive the practicability +of any such deceit. Then he began to doubt the sincerity of his +mistress, who perhaps had only made that a handle for discarding +him, at the request of some favoured rival; but his own integrity +forbade him to harbour this mean suspicion; and therefore he was +again involved in the labyrinth of perplexity. Next day he waited +on the rack of impatience for the hour of five in the afternoon, +which no sooner struck than he ordered Pipes to attend him, in +case there should be occasion for his evidence, and repaired to the +place of rendezvous, where he had not tarried five minutes before +the ladies appeared. Mutual compliments being passed, and the +attendant stationed at a convenient distance, Peregrine persuaded +them to sit down upon the grass, under the shade of a spreading oak, +that they might be more at their ease; while he stretched himself +at their feet, and desired that the paper on which his doom depended +might be examined. It was accordingly put into the hand of his +fair arbitress, who read it immediately with an audible voice. The +first two words of it were no sooner pronounced, than he started, +with great emotion, and raised himself upon his hand and knee, in +which posture he listened to the rest of the sentence; then sprang +upon his feet in the utmost astonishment, and, glowing with resentment +at the same time, exclaimed, "Hell and the devil! what's all that? +Sure you make a jest of me, madam!"--"Pray, sir," said Sophy, "give +me the hearing for a few moments, and then urge what you shall +think proper in your own defence." Having thus cautioned him, she +proceeded; but before she had finished one-half of the performance, +her gravity forsook her, and she was seized with a violent fit +of laughter, in which neither of the lovers could help joining, +notwithstanding the resentment which at that instant prevailed in +the breasts of both. The judge, however, in a little time, resumed +her solemnity, and having read the remaining part of this curious +epistle, all three continued staring at each other alternately +for the space of half a minute, and then broke forth at the same +instant in another paroxysm of mirth. From this unanimous convulsion, +one would have thought that both parties were extremely well pleased +with a joke, yet this was by no means the case. + +Emilia imagined that, notwithstanding his affected surprise, her +lover, in spite of himself, had received the laugh at her expense, +and in so doing applauded his own unmannerly ridicule. This +supposition could not fail of raising and reviving her indignation, +while Peregrine highly resented the indignity, with which he supposed +himself treated, in their attempting to make him the dupe of such +a gross and ludicrous artifice. This being the situation of their +thoughts, their mirth was succeeded by a mutual gloominess of +aspect; and the judge, addressing herself to Mr. Pickle, asked if +he had anything to offer why sentence should not be pronounced? +"Madam," answered the culprit, "I am sorry to find myself so low +in the opinion of your cousin as to be thought capable of being +deceived by such shallow contrivance."--"Nay, sir," said Emilia, the +contrivance is your own; and I cannot help admiring your confidence +in imputing it to me."--"Upon my honour, Miss Emily, resumed our +hero, "you wrong my understanding, as well as my love, in accusing +me of having written such a silly, impertinent performance. The +very appearance and address of it is so unlike the letter which +I did myself the honour to write, that I dare say my man, even at +this distance of time, will remember the difference." + +So saying, he extended his voice, and beckoned to Pipes, who +immediately drew near. His mistress seemed to object to the evidence, +by observing that to be sure Mr. Pipes had his cue; when Peregrine, +begging she would spare him the mortification of considering him +in such a dishonourable light, desired his valet to examine the +outside of the letter, and recollect if it was the same which he +had delivered to Miss Gauntlet about two years ago. Pipes, having +taken a superficial view of it, pulled up his breeches, saying, +"Mayhap it is, but we have made so many trips, and been in so many +creeks and corners since that time, that I can't pretend to be +certain; for I neither keep journal nor log-book of our proceedings." +Emilia commended him for his candour, at the same time darting +a sarcastic look at his master, as if she thought he had tampered +with his servant's integrity in vain; and Peregrine began to live +and curse his fate for having subjected him to such mean suspicion, +attesting heaven and earth in the most earnest manner, that far +from having composed and conveyed that stupid production, he had +never seen it before, nor been privy to the least circumstance of +the plan. + +Pipes, now, for the first time, perceived the mischief which he +had occasioned; and, moved with the transports of his master, for +whom he had a most inviolable attachment, frankly declared he was +ready to make oath that Mr. Pickle had no hand in the letter which +he delivered. All three were amazed at this confession, the meaning +of which they could not comprehend. Peregrine, after some pause, +leaped upon Pipes, and seizing him by the throat, exclaimed, in an +ecstasy of rage. "Rascal! tell me this instant what became of the +letter I entrusted to your care." The patient valet, half-strangled +as he was, squirted a collection of tobacco-juice out of one corner +of his mouth, and with great deliberation replied, "Why, burnt it, +you wouldn't have me to give the young woman a thing that shook +all in the wind in tatters, would you?" The ladies interposed in +behalf of the distressed squire, from whom, by dint of questions +which he had neither art nor inclination to evade, they extorted +an explanation of the whole affair. + +Such ridiculous simplicity and innocence of intention appeared in +the composition of his expedient, that even the remembrance of all the +chagrin which it had produced, could not rouse their indignation, +or enable the to resist a third eruption of laughter which +they forthwith underwent. Pipes was dismissed, with many menacing +injunctions to beware of such conduct for the future; Emilia +stood with a confusion of joy and tenderness in her countenance; +Peregrine's eyes kindled into rapture, and, when Miss Sophy pronounced +the sentence of reconciliation, advanced to his mistress, saying, +"Truth is mighty, and will prevail;" then clapping her in his +arms, very impudently ravished a kiss, which she had not power to +refuse. Nay, such was the impulse of his joy, that he took the same +freedom with the lips of Sophy, calling her his kind mediatrix and +guardian angel; and behaved with such extravagance of transport, +as plainly evinced the fervour and sincerity of his love. + +I shall not pretend to repeat the tender protestations that were +uttered on one side, or describe the bewitching glances of approbation +with which they were received on the other, suffice it to say that +the endearing intimacy of their former connection was instantly +renewed, and Sophy, who congratulated them on the happy termination +of their quarrel, favoured with their mutual confidence. In +consequence of this happy pacification, they deliberated upon the +means of seeing each other often; and as he could not, without +some previous introduction, visit her openly at the house of her +relation, they agreed to meet every afternoon in the park till the +next assembly, at which he would solicit her as a partner, and she +be unengaged, in expectation of his request. By this connection +he would be entitled to visit her next day, and thus an avowed +correspondence would of course commence. This plan was actually put +in execution, and attended with a circumstance which had well-nigh +produced some mischievous consequence, had not Peregrine's good +fortune been superior to his discretion. + + + + + +CHAPTER XXIV. + + + + +He achieves an Adventure at the Assembly, and quarrels with his +Governor. + + +At the assembly, were no fewer than three gentlemen of fortune, who +rivalled our lover in his passion for Emilia, and who had severally +begged the honour of dancing with her upon this occasion. She had +excused herself to each, on pretence of a slight indisposition +that she foresaw would detain her from the ball, and desired they +would provide themselves with other partners. Obliged to admit +her excuse, they accordingly followed her advice; and after they +had engaged themselves beyond the power of retracting, had the +mortification of seeing her there unclaimed. They in their turn +made up to her, and expressed their surprise and concern at finding +her in the assembly unprovided, after she had declined their +invitation; but she told them that her cold had forsaken her since +she had the pleasure of seeing them, and that she would rely upon +accident for a partner. Just as she pronounced these words to the +last of the three, Peregrine advanced as an utter stranger, bowed +with great respect, told her he understood she was unengaged, +and would think himself highly honoured in being accepted as her +partner for the night; and he had the good fortune to succeed in +his application. + +As they were by far the handsomest and best-accomplished couple in the +room, they could not fail of attracting the notice and admiration +of the spectators, which inflamed the jealousy of his three +competitors, who immediately entered into a conspiracy against this +gaudy stranger, whom, as their rival, they resolved to affront in +public. Pursuant to the plan which they projected for this purpose, +the first country-dance was no sooner concluded, than one of them, +with his partner, took place of Peregrine and his mistress, contrary +to the regulation of the ball. Our lover, imputing his behaviour +to inadvertency, informed the gentleman of his mistake, and civilly +desired he would rectify his error. The other told him, in an +imperious tone, that he wanted none of his advice, and bade him +mind his own affairs. Peregrine answered, with some warmth, and +insisted upon his right: a dispute commenced, high words, ensued, +in the course of which, our impetuous youth hearing himself reviled +with the appellation of scoundrel, pulled off his antagonist's +periwig, and flung it in his face. The ladies immediately shrieked, +the gentlemen interposed, Emilia was seized with a fit of trembling, +and conducted to her seat by her youthful admirer, who begged pardon +for having discomposed her, and vindicated what he had done, by +representing the necessity he was under to resent the provocation +he had received. + +Though she could not help owning the justice of his plea, she +not the less concerned at the dangerous situation in which he had +involved himself, and, in the utmost consternation and anxiety, insisted +upon going directly home: he could not resist her importunities; +and her cousin being determined to accompany her, he escorted to +their lodgings, where he wished them good night, after having, in +order to quiet their apprehensions, protested, that if his opponent +was satisfied, he should never take any step towards the prosecution +of the quarrel. Meanwhile the assembly-room became a of scene of +tumult and uproar: the person who conceived himself injured, seeing +Peregrine retire, struggled with his companions, in order to pursue +and take satisfaction of our hero, whom he loaded with terms of +abuse, and challenged to single combat. The director of the ball +held a consultation with all the subscribers who were present; and +it was determined, by a majority of votes, that the two gentlemen +who had occasioned the disturbance should be desired to withdraw. +This resolution being signified to one of the parties then present, +he made some difficulty of complying, but was persuaded to submit +by his two confederates, who accompanied him to the street-door, +where he was met by Peregrine on his return to the assembly. + +This choleric gentleman, who was a country squire, no sooner saw his +rival, than he began to brandish his cudgel in a menacing posture, +when our adventurous youth, stepping back with one foot, laid his +hand upon the hilt of his sword, which he drew half way out of the +scabbard. This attitude, and the sight of the blade which glistened +by moonlight in his face, checked, in some sort, the ardour of his +assailant, who desired he would lay aside his toaster, and take a +bout with him at equal arms. Peregrine, who was an expert cudgel-player, +accepted the invitation: then, exchanging weapons with Pipes, who +stood behind him, put himself in a posture of defence, and received +the attack of his adversary, who struck at random, without either +skill or economy. Pickle could have beaten the cudgel out of his hand +at the first blow; but as in that case he would have been obliged +in honour to give immediate quarter, he resolved to discipline his +antagonist without endeavouring to disable him, until he should +be heartily satisfied with the vengeance he had taken. With this +view be returned the salute, and raised such a clatter about the +squire's pate, that one who had heard without seeing the application, +would have taken the sound for that of a salt-box, in the hand +of a dexterous merry-andrew, belonging to one of the booths at +Bartholomew-fair. Neither was this salutation confined to his head: +his shoulders, arms, thighs, ankles, and ribs, were visited with +amazing rapidity, while Tom Pipes sounded the charge through his +fist. Peregrine, tired with his exercise, which had almost bereft +his enemy of sensation, at last struck the decisive blow, in +consequence of which the squire's weapon flew out of his grasp, +and he allowed our hero to be the better man. Satisfied with this +acknowledgment, the victor walked upstairs with such elevation of +spirits and insolence of mien, that nobody chose to intimate the +resolution, which had been taken in his absence; there, having +amused himself for some time in beholding the country-dances, he +retreated to his lodging, where he indulged himself all night in +the contemplation of his own success. + +Next day in the forenoon he went to visit his partner; and the +gentleman, at whose house she lived, having been informed of his +family and condition, received him with great courtesy, as the +acquaintance of his cousin Gauntlet, and invited him to dinner that +same day. Emilia was remarkably well pleased, when she understood +the issue of his adventure, which began to make some noise in +town even though it deprived her of a wealthy admirer. The squire, +having consulted an attorney about the nature of the dispute, in +hopes of being able to prosecute Peregrine for an assault, found +little encouragement to go to law: he therefore resolved to pocket +the insult and injury he had undergone, and to discontinue his +addresses to her who was the cause of both. + +Our lover being told by his mistress that she proposed to stay +a fortnight longer in Windsor, he determined to enjoy her company +all that time, and then to give her a convoy to the house of her +mother, whom he longed to see. In consequence of this plan, he +every day contrived some fresh party of pleasure for the ladies, +to whom he had by this time free access; and entangled himself +so much in the snares of love, that he seemed quite enchanted by +Emilia's charms, which were now indeed almost irresistible. While +he thus heedlessly roved in the flowery paths of pleasure, his +governor at Oxford. alarmed at the unusual duration of his absence, +went to the young gentlemen who had accompanied him in his excursion, +and very earnestly entreated them to tell him, what they knew +concerning his pupil: they accordingly gave him an account of the +reencounter that happened between Peregrine and Miss Emily Gauntlet +in the castle, and mentioned circumstances sufficient to convince +him that his charge was very dangerously engaged. + +Far from having an authority over Peregrine, Mr. Jolter durst not +even disoblige him: therefore, instead of writing to the commodore, +he took horse immediately, and that same night reached Windsor, +where he found his stray sheep very much surprised at his unexpected +arrival. The governor desiring to have some serious conversation +with him, they shut themselves up in an apartment, when Jolter, +with great solemnity, communicated the cause of his journey, which +was no other than his concern for his pupil's welfare; and very +gravely undertook to prove, by mathematical demonstration, that this +intrigue, if further pursued, would tend to the young gentleman's +ruin and disgrace. This singular proposition raised the curiosity +of Peregrine, who promised to yield all manner of attention, and +desired him to begin without further preamble. + +The governor, encouraged by this appearance of candour, expressed +his satisfaction in finding him so open to conviction, and told +him he would proceed upon geometrical principles; then, hemming +thrice, observed that no mathematical inquiries could be carried +on, except upon certain data, or concessions of truth that were +self-evident; and therefore he must have his assent to a few axioms, +which he was sure Mr. Pickle would see no reason to dispute. "In +the first place, then," said he, "you will grant, I hope, that +youth and discretion are with respect to each other as two parallel +lines, which, though infinitely produced, remain still equidistant, +and will never coincide: then you must allow that passion acts upon +the human mind in a ratio compounded of the acuteness of sense, +and constitutional heat; and, thirdly, you will not deny that the +angle of remorse is equal to that of precipitation. These postulata +being admitted," added he, taking pen, ink, and paper, and drawing +a parallelogram, "let youth be represented by the right line, a b, +and discretion by another right line, c d, parallel to the former. +Complete the parallelogram, a b c d, and let the point of intersection, +b, represent perdition. Let passion, represented under the letter +c, have a motion in the direction c a. At the same time, let another +motion be communicated to it, in the direction c d, it will proceed +in the diagonal c b, and describe it in the same time that it would +have described the side c a, by the first motion, or the side, c d, +by the second. To understand the demonstration of this corollary, +we must premise this obvious principle, that when a body is acted +upon by a motion of power parallel to a right line given in position, +this power, or motion, has no effect to cause the body to approach +towards that line, or recede from it, but to move in a line parallel +to a right line only; as appears from the second law of motion: +therefore c a being parallel to d b--" + +His pupil having listened to him thus far, could contain himself +no longer, but interrupted the investigation with a loud laugh, and +told him that his postulata put him in mind of a certain learned +and ingenious gentleman, who undertook to disprove the existence +of natural evil, and asked no other datum on which to found his +demonstration, but an acknowledgment that "everything that is, is +right." "You may therefore," said he, in a peremptory tone, "spare +yourself the trouble of torturing your invention; for, after all, +I am pretty certain that I shall want capacity to comprehend the +discussion of your lemma, and consequently be obliged to all the +pangs of an ingenuous mind that I refuse my assent to your deduction." + +Mr. Jolter was disconcerted at this declaration, and so much offended +at Peregrine's disrespect, that he could not help expressing his +displeasure, by telling him flatly, that he was too violent and +headstrong to be reclaimed by reason and gentle means; that he (the +tutor) must be obliged, in the discharge of his duty and conscience, +to inform the commodore of his pupil's imprudence; that if the +laws of this realm were effectual, they would take cognizance of +the gipsy who had led him astray; and observed, by way of contrast, +that if such a preposterous intrigue had happened in France, she +would have been clapped up in a convent two years ago. Our lover's +eyes kindled with indignation, when he heard his mistress treated +with such irreverence: he could scarce refrain from inflicting +manual chastisement on the blasphemer, whom he reproached in his +wrath as an arrogant pedant, without either delicacy or sense, and +cautioned him against rising any such impertinent freedoms with his +affairs for the future on pain of incurring more severe effects of +his resentment. + +Mr. Jolter, who entertained very high notions of that veneration to +which he thought himself entitled by his character and qualifications, +had not borne, without repining, his want of influence and authority +over his pupil, against whom he cherished a particular grudge ever +since the adventure of the painted eye; and therefore, on this +occasion, his politic forbearance had been overcome by the accumulated +motives of his disgust. Indeed, he would have resigned his charge +with disdain, had not he been encouraged to persevere, by the hopes +of a good living which Trunnion had in his gift, or known how to +dispose of himself for the present to better advantage. + + + + + +CHAPTER XXV. + + + + +He receives a Letter from his Aunt, breaks with the Commodore, and +disobliges the Lieutenant, who, nevertheless, undertakes his Cause. + + +Meanwhile he quitted the youth in high dudgeon, and that same +evening despatched a letter for Mrs. Trunnion, which was dictated +by the first transports of his passion, and of course replete with +severe animadversions on the misconduct of his pupil. In consequence +of this complaint, it was not long before Peregrine received an +epistle from his aunt, wherein she commemorated all the circumstances +of the commodore's benevolence towards him, when he was helpless +and forlorn, deserted and abandoned by his own parents; upbraided +him for his misbehaviour, and neglect of his tutor's advice; and +insisted upon his breaking off an intercourse with that girl who +had seduced his youth, as he valued the continuance of her affection +and her husband's regard. + +As our lover's own ideas of generosity were extremely refined, he +was shocked at the indelicate insinuations of Mrs. Trunnion, and felt +all the pangs of an ingenuous mind that labours under obligations +to a person whom it contemns. Far from obeying her injunction, or +humbling himself by a submissive answer to her reprehension, his +resentment buoyed him up above every selfish consideration: he +resolved to attach himself to Emilia, if possible, more than ever; +and although he was tempted to punish the officiousness of Jolter, +by recriminating upon his life and conversation, he generously withstood +the impulse of his passion, because he knew that his governor had +no other dependence than the good opinion of the commodore. He +could not, however, digest in silence the severe expostulations of +his aunt; to which he replied by the following letter, addressed +to her husband:-- + + "Sir,--Though my temper could never stoop to offer nor, I + believe, your disposition deign to receive, that gross incense + which the illiberal only expect, and none but the base-minded + condescend to pay; my sentiments have always done justice to + your generosity, and my intention scrupulously adhered to the + dictates of my duty. Conscious of this integrity of heart, I + cannot but severely feel your lady's unkind (I will not call + it ungenerous) recapitulation of the favours I have received; + and, as I take it for granted that you knew and approved of her + letter, I must beg leave to assure you, that, far from being + swayed by menaces and reproach, I am determined to embrace the + most abject extremity of fortune, rather than submit to such + dishonourable compulsion. When I am treated in a more delicate + and respectful manner, I hope I shall behave as becomes,--Sir, + your obliged + "P. Pickle." + + +The commodore, who did not understand those nice distinctions +of behaviour, and dreaded the consequence of Peregrine's amour, +against which he was strangely prepossessed, seemed exasperated at +the insolence and obstinacy of this adopted son; to whose epistle +he wrote the following answer, which was transmitted by the hands +of Hatchway, who had orders to bring the delinquent along with him +to the garrison:-- + + "Hark ye, child,--You need not bring your fine speeches to bear + upon me: you only expend your ammunition to no purpose. Your + aunt told you nothing but truth; for it is always fair and + honest to be above-board, d'ye see. I am informed as how you + are in chase of a painted galley, which will decoy you upon the + flats of destruction, unless you keep a better look-out and a + surer reckoning than you have hitherto done; and I have sent + Jack Hatchway to see how the land lies, and warn you of your + danger: if so be as you will put about ship, and let him steer + you into this harbour, you shall meet with a safe berth and + friendly reception; but if you refuse to alter your course you + cannot expect any farther assistance from yours as you behave, + "Hawser Trunnion." + + +Peregrine was equally piqued and disconcerted at the receipt of +this letter, which was quite different from what he had expected; +and declared in a resolute tone to the lieutenant, who brought it, +that he might return as soon as he pleased, for he was determined +to consult his own inclination, and remain for some time longer +where he was. + +Hatchway endeavoured to persuade him, by all the arguments which +his sagacity and friendship could supply, to show a little more +deference for the old man, who was by this time rendered fretful and +peevish by the gout, which now hindered him from enjoying himself +as usual, who might, in his passion, take some step very much to the +detriment of the young gentleman, whom he had hitherto considered +as his own son. Among other remonstrances, Jack observed that mayhap +Peregrine had got under Emilia's hatches, and did not choose to set +her adrift; and that if that was the case, he himself would take +charge of the vessel, and see her cargo safely delivered; for he +had a respect for the young woman, and his needle pointed towards +matrimony; and as, in all probability, she could not be much the +worse for the wear, he would make shift to scud through life with +her under an easy sail. + +Our lover was deaf to all his admonitions, and, having thanked him +for this last instance of his complaisance, repeated his resolution +of adhering to his first purpose. Hatchway, having profited so +little by mild exhortations: assumed a more peremptory aspect, and +plainly told him that he neither could nor would go home without +him; so he had best make immediate preparation for the voyage. + +Peregrine made no other reply to this declaration than by a contemptuous +smile, and rose from his seat in order to retire; upon which the +lieutenant started up, and, posting himself by the door, protested, +with some menacing gestures, that he would not suffer him to run +a-head neither. The other, incensed at his presumption in attempting +to detain him by force, tripped up his wooden leg, and laid him on +his back in a moment; then walked deliberately towards the park, +in order to indulge his reflection, which at that time teemed with +disagreeable thoughts. He had not proceeded two hundred steps when +he heard something blowing and stamping behind him; and, looking back, +perceived the lieutenant at his heels, with rage and indignation in +his countenance. This exasperated seaman, impatient of the affront +he had received, and forgetting all the circumstances of their +former intimacy, advanced with great eagerness to his old friend, +saying, "Look ye, brother, you're a saucy boy, and if you was +at sea, I would have your backside brought to the davit for your +disobedience; but as we are on shore, you and I must crack a pistol +at one another: here is a brace; you shall take which you please." + +Peregrine, upon recollection, was sorry for having been laid +under the necessity of disobliging honest Jack, and very frankly +asked his pardon for what he had done. But this condescension was +misinterpreted by the other, who refused any other satisfaction +but that which an officer ought to claim; and, with some irreverent +expressions, asked if Perry was afraid of his bacon? The youth, +inflamed at this unjust insinuation, darted a ferocious look at +the challenger, told him he had paid but too much regard to his +infirmities, and bid him walk forward to the park, where he would +soon convince him of his error, if he thought his concession +proceeded from fear. + +About this time, they were overtaken by Pipes, who, having heard +the lieutenant's fall and seen him pocket his pistols, suspected +there was a quarrel in the case, and followed him with a view of +protecting his master. Peregrine, seeing him arrive, and guessing +his intention, assumed an air of serenity; and pretending that he +had left his handkerchief at the inn, ordered his man to go thither +and fetch it to him in the park, where he would find them at his +return. This command was twice repeated before Tom would take any +other notice of the message, except by shaking his head; but being +urged with many threats and curses to obedience, he gave them +to understand that he knew their drift too well to trust them by +themselves. "As for you, Lieutenant Hatchway," said he, "I have been +your shipmate, and know you to be a sailor, that's enough; and as +for master, I know him to be as good a man as ever stept betwixt +stem and stern, whereby, if you have anything to say to him, I am +your man, as the saying is. Here's my sapling, and I don't value +your crackers of a rope's end." This oration, the longest that +ever Pipes was known to make, he concluded with a flourish of his +cudgel, and enforced with such determined refusals to leave them, that +they found it impossible to bring the cause to mortal arbitrement +at that time, and strolled about the park in profound silence; +during which, Hatchway's indignation subsiding, he, all of a sudden, +thrust out his hand as an advance to reconciliation, which being +cordially shaken by Peregrine, a general pacification ensued; and +was followed by a consultation about the means of extricating the +youth from his present perplexity. Had his disposition been like +that of most other young men, it would have been no difficult task +to overcome his difficulties; but such was the obstinacy of his +pride, that he deemed himself bound in honour to resent the letters +he had received; and instead of submitting to the pleasure of the +commodore, expected an acknowledgment from him, without which he +would listen to no terms of accommodation. "Had I been his own son," +said he, "I should have borne his reproof, and sued for forgiveness; +but knowing myself to be on the footing of an orphan, who depends +entirely upon his benevolence, I am jealous of everything that can +be construed into disrespect, and insist upon being treated with +the most punctual regard. I shall now make application to my father, +who is obliged to provide for me by the ties of nature, as well +as the laws of the land; and if he shall refuse to do me justice, +I can never want employment while men are required for his Majesty's +service." + +The lieutenant, alarmed at this intimation, begged he would take +no new step until he should hear from him; and that very evening +set out for the garrison, where he gave Trunnion an account of the +miscarriage of his negotiation, told him how highly Peregrine was +offended at the letter, communicated the young gentleman's sentiments +and resolution, and finally assured him that unless he should think +proper to ask pardon for the offence he had committed, he would, +in all appearance, never more behold the face of his godson. + +The old commodore was utterly confounded at this piece of intelligence: +he had expected all the humility of obedience and contrition from +the young man; and, instead of that, received nothing but the most +indignant opposition, and even found himself in the circumstances of +an offender, obliged to make atonement, or forfeit all correspondence +with his favourite. These insolent conditions at first threw +him into an agony of wrath; and he vented execrations with such +rapidity that he left himself no time to breathe, and had almost +been suffocated with his choler. He inveighed bitterly against the +ingratitude of Peregrine, whom he mentioned with many opprobrious +epithets, and swore that he ought to be keelhauled for his +presumption; but when he began to reflect more coolly upon the +spirit of the young gentleman, which had already manifested itself +on many occasions, and listened to the suggestions of Hatchway, whom +he had always considered as an oracle in his way, his resentment +abated, and he determined to take Perry into favour again; this +placability being not a little facilitated by Jack's narrative +of our hero's intrepid behaviour at the assembly, as well as the +contest with him in the park. But still this plaguy amour occurred +like a bugbear to his imagination; for he held it as an infallible +maxim, that woman was an eternal source of misery to man. Indeed, +this apophthegm he seldom repeated since his marriage, except in +the company of a very few intimates, to whose secrecy and discretion +he could trust. Finding Jack himself at a nonplus in the affair of +Emilia, he consulted Mrs. Trunnion, who was equally surprised and +offended when she understood that her letter did not produce the +desired effect; and after having imputed the youth's obstinacy to +his uncle's unseasonable indulgence, had recourse to the advice +of the parson, who, still with an eye to his friend's advantage, +counselled them to send the young gentleman on his travels, in the +course of which he would, in all probability, forget the amusements +of his greener years. The proposal was judicious, and immediately +approved; when Trunnion, going into his closet, after divers +efforts, produced the following billet, with which Jack departed +for Windsor that same afternoon:-- + + "My good lad,--If I gave offence in my last letter I'm sorry + for't, d'ye see: I thought it was the likeliest way to bring + you up; but, in time to come, you shall have a larger swing + of cable. When you can spare time, I should be glad if you will + make a short trip and see your aunt, and him who is--Your + loving godfather and humble servant, + "Hawser Trunnion. + P.S. If you want money, you may draw upon me payable at sight," + + + + + +CHAPTER XXVI. + + + + +He becomes Melancholy and Despondent--Is favoured with the condescending +Letter from his Uncle--Reconciles himself to his Governor, and sets +out with Emilia and her Friend for Mrs. Gauntlet's House. + + +Peregrine, fortified as he was with pride and indignation, did not +fail to feel the smarting suggestions of his present situation: +after having lived so long in an affluent and imperious manner, +he could ill brook the thoughts of submitting to the mortifying +exigencies of life. All the gaudy schemes of pomp and pleasure, +which his luxuriant imagination had formed, began to dissolve; a +train of melancholy ideas took possession of his thoughts; and the +prospect of losing Emilia was not the least part of his affliction. +Though he endeavoured to suppress the chagrin that preyed upon his +heart, he could not conceal the disturbance of his mind from the +penetration of that amiable young lady, who sympathized with him +in her heart, though she could not give her tongue the liberty of +asking the cause of his disorder; for, notwithstanding all the ardour +of his addresses, he never could obtain from her the declaration of +a mutual flame; because, though he had hitherto treated her with +the utmost reverence of respect, he had never once mentioned the +final aim of his passion. However honourable she supposed it to +be, she had discernment enough to foresee that vanity or interest, +co-operating with the levity of youth, might one day deprive her of +her lover, and she was too proud to give him any handle of exulting +at her expense. Although he was received by her with the most +distinguished civility, and even an intimacy of friendship, all +his solicitations could never extort from her an acknowledgment of +love: on the contrary, being of a gay disposition, she sometimes +coquetted with other admirers, that his attention thus whetted +might never abate, and that he might see she had other resources +in case he should flag in his affection. + +This being the prudential plan on which she acted, it cannot be +supposed that she would condescend to inquire into the state of +his thoughts when she saw him thus affected; but she, nevertheless, +imposed that task on her cousin and confidant, who, as they walked +together in the park observed that he seemed to be out of humour. +When this is the case, such a question generally increases the +disease; at least it had that effect upon Peregrine, who replied +somewhat peevishly, "I assure you, madam, you never were more +mistaken in your observations."--"I think so, too," said Emilia, "for +I never saw Mr. Pickle in higher spirits." This ironical encomium +completed his confusion: he affected to smile, but it was a smile +of anguish, and in his heart he cursed the vivacity of both. He +could not for his soul recollect himself so as to utter one connected +sentence; and the suspicion that they observed every circumstance +of his behaviour, threw such a damp on his spirits that he was quite +overwhelmed with shame and resentment, when Sophy, casting her eyes +towards the gate, said, "Yonder is your servant, Mr. Pickle, with +another man who seems to have a wooden leg." Peregrine started +at this intelligence, and immediately underwent sundry changes of +complexion, knowing that his fate, in a great measure, depended +upon the information he would receive from his friend. + +Hatchway, advancing to the company, after a brace of sea bows to +the ladies, took the youth aside, and put the commodore's letter +into his hand, which threw him into such an agitation that he +could scarce pronounce, "Ladies, will you give me leave?" When, in +consequence of their permission, he attempted to open the billet, +he fumbled with such manifest disorder, that his mistress, who +watched his motions, began to think that there was something very +interesting in the message; and so much was she affected with his +concern, that she was fain to turn her head another way, and wipe +the tears from her lovely eyes. + +Meanwhile, Peregrine no sooner read the first sentence than his +countenance, which before was overcast with a deep gloom, began to +be lighted up, and every feature unbending by degrees, he recovered +his serenity. Having perused the letter, his eyes sparkling with joy +and gratitude, he hugged the lieutenant in his arms, and presented +him to the ladies as one of his best friends. Jack met with a most +gracious reception, and shook Emilia by the hand, telling her, +with the familiar appellation of "old acquaintance" that he did not +care how soon he was master of such another clean-going frigate as +herself. The whole company partook of this favourable change that +evidently appeared in our lover's recollection, and enlivened his +conversation with such an uncommon flow of sprightliness and good +humour, as even made an impression on the iron countenance of Pipes +himself, who actually smiled with satisfaction as he walked behind +them. + +The evening being pretty far advanced, they directed their course +homeward; and while the valet attended Hatchway to the inn, Peregrine +escorted the ladies to their lodgings, where he owned the justness +of Sophy's remark in saying he vas out of humour, and told them +he had been extremely chagrined at a difference which had happened +between him and his uncle, to whom, by the letter which they had +seen him receive, he now found himself happily reconciled. + +Having received their congratulations, and declined staying to +sup with them, on account of the longing desire he had to converse +with his friend Jack, he took his leave, and repaired to the inn, +where Hatchway informed him of everything that had happened in the +garrison upon his presentations. Far from being disgusted, he was +perfectly well pleased with the prospect of going abroad, which +flattered his vanity and ambition, gratified his thirst after +knowledge, and indulged that turn for observation, for which he had +been remarkable from his most tender years. Neither did he believe +a short absence would tend to the prejudice of his love, but, on +the contrary, enhance the value of his heart, because he should +return better accomplished, consequently, a more welcome offering +to his mistress. Elevated with these sentiments, his heart dilated +with joy; and the sluices of his natural benevolence being opened +by this happy turn of his affairs, he sent his compliment to Mr. +Jolter, to whom he had not spoken during a whole week, and desired +he would favour Mr. Hatchway and him with his company at supper. + +The governor was not weak enough to decline this invitation; +in consequence of which he forthwith appeared, and was cordially +welcomed by the relenting pupil, who expressed his sorrow for the +misunderstanding which had prevailed between them, and assured him +that for the future he would avoid giving him any just cause of +complaint. Jolter, who did not want affections, was melted by this +acknowledgment, which he could not have expected; and earnestly +protested, that his chief study had always been, and ever should +be, to promote Mr. Pickle's interest and happiness. + +The best part of the night being spent in the circulation of +a cheerful glass, the company broke up; and next morning Peregrine +went out with a view of making his mistress acquainted with his uncle's +intention of sending him out of the kingdom for his improvement, +and of saying everything which he thought necessary for the interest +of his love. He found her at breakfast with her cousin; and, as he +was very full of the subject of his visit, had scarce fixed himself +in his seat, when he brought it upon the carpet, by asking, with +a smile, if the ladies had any commands for Paris? Emilia at this +question began to stare, and her confidant desired to know who +was going thither? He no sooner gave to understand that he himself +intended in a short time to visit that capital, than his mistress +with great precipitation wished him a good journey, and affected +to talk with indifference the pleasures he would enjoy in France; +but when he seriously assured Sophy, who asked if he was in earnest, +and his uncle actually insisted upon his making a short tour, the +tears gushed in poor Emilia's eyes, and she was at great pains to +conceal her concern, by observing that the tea was so scalding hot, +as to make her eyes water. This pretext was too thin to impose +upon her lover, or even deceive the observation of her friend Sophy, +who, after breakfast, took an opportunity of quitting the room. + +Thus left by themselves, Peregrine imparted to her what he had +learnt of the commodore's intention, without, however, mentioning +a syllable of his being offended at their correspondence; +and accompanied his information with such fervent vows of eternal +constancy and solemn promises of a speedy return, that Emily's +heart, which had been invaded by a suspicion that this scheme of +travelling was an effect of her lover's inconstancy, began to be +more at ease; and she could not help signifying her approbation of +his design. + +This affair being amicably compromised, he asked how soon she +proposed to set out for her mother's house; and understanding that +her departure was fixed for next day but one, and that her Cousin +Sophy intended to accompany her in her father's chariot, he repeated +his intention of attending her. In the mean time he dismissed the +governor and the lieutenant to the garrison, with his compliments +to his aunt and the commodore, and a faithful promise of his being +with them in six days at farthest. These previous measures being +taken, he, attended by Pipes, set out with the ladies; and they +had also a convoy for twelve miles from Sophy's father, who, at +parting, recommended them piously to the care of Peregrine, with +whom by this time, he was perfectly well acquainted. + + + + + +CHAPTER XXVII. + + + + +They meet with a dreadful Alarm on the Road--Arrive at their +Journey's end--Peregrine is introduced to Emily's Brother--These +two young Gentlemen misunderstand each other--Pickle departs for +the Garrison. + + +As they travelled at an easy rate, they had performed something +more than one half of their journey, when they were benighted near +an inn, at which they resolved to lodge; the accommodation was very +good, they supped together with great mirth and enjoyment, and it +was not till after he had been warned by the yawns of the ladies, +that he conducted them to their apartment; where, wishing them +good night, he retired to his own, and went to rest. The house was +crowded with country-people who had been at a neighbouring fair, +and now regaled themselves with ale and tobacco in the yard; so +that their consideration, which at any time was but slender, being +now overwhelmed by this debauch, they staggered into their respective +kennels, and left a lighted candle sticking to one of the wooden +pillars that supported the gallery. The flame in a little time +laid hold on the wood, which was as dry as tinder; and the whole +gallery was on fire, when Peregrine suddenly waked, and found +himself almost suffocated. He sprang up in an instant, slipped on +his breeches, and, throwing open the door of his chamber, saw the +whole entry in a blaze. + +Heavens! what were the emotions of his soul, when he beheld the +volumes of flame and smoke rolling towards the room where his dear +Emilia lay! Regardless of his own danger, he darted himself through +the thickest of the gloom, when knocking hard, and calling at +the same time to the ladies, with the most anxious entreaty to be +admitted, the door was opened by Emilia in her shift, who asked, +with the utmost trepidation, what was the matter? He made no reply, +but snatching her up in his arms, like another Aeneas, bore her +through the flames to a place of safety; where leaving her before +she could recollect herself, or pronounce one word, but "Alas; my +Cousin Sophy!" he flew back to the rescue of that young lady, and +found her already delivered by Pipes, who having been alarmed by +the smell of fire, had got up, rushed immediately to the chamber +where he knew these companions lodged, and Emily being saved by her +lover brought off Miss Sophy with the loss of his own shock-head +of hair, which was singed off in his retreat. + +By this time the whole inn was alarmed; every lodger, as well as +servant, exerted himself, in order to stop the progress of this +calamity: and there being a well-replenished horse-pond in the yard, +in less than an hour the fire was totally extinguished, without +having done any other damage than that of consuming about two yards +of the wooden gallery. + +All this time our young gentleman closely attended his fair +charge, each of whom had swooned with apprehension; but as their +constitutions were good, and their spirits not easily dissipated, +when upon reflection they found themselves and their company safe, +and that the flames were happily quenched, the tumult of their fears +subsided, they put on their clothes, recovered their good humour, +and began to rally each other on the trim in which they had been +secured. Sophy observed that now Mr. Pickle had an indisputable +claim to her cousin's affection; and therefore she ought to lay +aside all affected reserve for the future, and frankly avow the +sentiments of her heart. Emily retorted the argument, putting her +in mind, that by the same claim Mr. Pipes was entitled to the like +return from her. Her friend admitted the force of the conclusion, +provided she could not find means of satisfying his deliverer +in another shape; and, turning, to the valet, who happened to be +present, asked if his heart was not otherwise engaged. Tom, who did +not conceive the meaning of the question, stood silent according +to custom; and the interrogation being repeated, answered, with a +grin, "Heart-whole as a biscuit, I'll assure you, mistress."--"What!" +said Emilia, "have you never been in love, Thomas?"--"Yes, forsooth," +replied the valet without hesitation, "sometimes of a morning." + +Peregrine could not help laughing, and his mistress looked a little +disconcerted at this blunt repartee: while Sophy, slipping a purse +into his hand, told him there was something to purchase a periwig. +Tom, having consulted his master's eyes, refused the present, saying, +"No, thank ye as much as if I did;" and though she insisted upon +his putting it in his pocket, as a small testimony of her gratitude, +he could not be prevailed upon to avail himself of her generosity; +but following her to the other end of the room, thrust it into +her sleeve without ceremony, exclaiming, "I'll be d--d to hell if +I do." Peregrine, having checked him for his boorish behaviour, +sent him out of the room, and begged that Miss Sophy would not +endeavour to debauch the morals of his servant, who, rough and +uncultivated as he was, had sense enough to perceive that he had no +pretension to any such acknowledgment. But she argued, with great +vehemence, that she should never be able to make acknowledgment +adequate to the service he had done her, and that she should never +be perfectly easy in her own mind until she found some opportunity +of manifesting the sense she had of the obligation: "I do not +pretend," said she, "to reward Mr. Pipes; but I shall be absolutely +unhappy, unless I am allowed to give him some token of my regard." + +Peregrine, thus earnestly solicited, desired, that since she was +bent upon displaying her generosity, she would not bestow upon him +any pecuniary gratification, but honour him with some trinket, as +a mark of consideration; because he himself had such a particular +value for the fellow, on account of his attachment and fidelity, +that be should be sorry to see him treated on the footing of a +common mercenary domestic. There was not one jewel in the possession +of this grateful young lady, that she would not have gladly given +as a recompense, or badge of distinction, to her rescuer; but his +master pitched upon a seal ring of no great value that hung at her +watch, and Pipes, being called in, had permission to accept that +testimony of Miss Sophy's favour. Tom received it accordingly with +sundry scrapes; and, having kissed it with great devotion, put +it on his little finger, and strutted off, extremely proud of his +acquisition. + +Emilia, with a most enchanting sweetness of aspect, told her lover +that he had instructed her how to behave towards him; and taking +a diamond ring from her finger, desired he would wear it for her +sake. He received the pledge as became him, and presented another +in exchange, which she at first refused, alleging that it would +destroy the intent of her acknowledgment; but Peregrine assured her +he had accepted her jewel, not as a proof of her gratitude, but as +the mark of her love; and that if she refused a mutual token, he +should look upon himself as the object of her disdain. Her eyes +kindled, and her cheeks glowed with resentment at this impudent +intimation, which she considered as an unseasonable insult, and +the young gentleman, perceiving her emotion, stood corrected for +his temerity, and asked pardon for the liberty of his remonstrance, +which he hoped she would ascribe to the prevalence of that principle +alone, which he had always taken pride in avowing. + +Sophy, seeing him disconcerted, interposed in his behalf, and chid +her cousin for having practised such unnecessary affectation; upon +which, Emilia, softened into compliance, held out her finger as a +signal of her condescension. Peregrine put on the ring with great +eagerness, and mumbled her soft white hand in an ecstasy which would +not allow him to confine his embraces to that limb, but urged him +to seize her by the waist, and snatch a delicious kiss from her +love-pouting lips; nor would he leave her a butt to the ridicule +of Sophy, on whose mouth he instantly committed a rape of the +same nature: so that the two friends, countenanced by each other, +reprehended him with such gentleness of rebuke, that he was almost +tempted to repeat the offence. + +The morning being now lighted up, and the servants of the inn on +foot, he ordered some chocolate for breakfast, and at the desire +of the ladies, sent Pipes to see the horses fed, and the chariot +prepared, while he went to the bar, and discharged the bill. + +These measures being taken, they set out about five o'clock, and +having refreshed themselves and their cattle at another inn on the +road, proceeded in the afternoon. Without meeting with any other +accident, they safely arrived at the place of their destination, +where Mrs. Gauntlet expressed her joy at seeing her old friend +Mr. Pickle, whom, however, she kindly reproached for the long +discontinuance of his regard. Without explaining the cause of that +interruption, he protested that his love and esteem had never been +discontinued, and that for the future he should omit no occasion of +testifying how much he had her friendship at heart. She then made +him acquainted with her son, who at that time was in the house, +being excused from his duty by furlough. + +This young man, whose name was Godfrey, was about the age of +twenty, of a middling size, vigorous make, remarkably well-shaped, +and the scars of the small-pox, of which he bore a good number, added +a peculiar manliness to the air of his countenance. His capacity +was good, and his disposition naturally frank and easy; but he had +been a soldier from his infancy, and his education was altogether +in the military style. He looked upon taste and letters as mere +pedantry, beneath the consideration of a gentleman, and every civil +station of life as mean, when compared with the profession of arms. +He had made great progress in the gymnastic sciences of dancing, +fencing, and riding; played perfectly well on the German flute; +and, above all things valued himself upon a scrupulous observance +of all the points of honour. + +Had Peregrine and he considered themselves upon equal footing, in +all probability they would have immediately entered into a league +of intimacy and friendship: but this sufficient soldier looked upon +his sister's admirer as a young student raw from the university, +and utterly ignorant of mankind; while Squire Pickle beheld Godfrey +in the light of a needy volunteer, greatly inferior to himself +in fortune, as well as every other accomplishment. This mutual +misunderstanding could not fail of animosities. The very next day +after Peregrine's arrival, some sharp repartees passed between them +in presence of the ladies, before whom each endeavoured to assert +his own superiority. In these contests our hero never failed of +obtaining the victory, because his genius was more acute, and his +talents better cultivated, than those of his antagonist, who therefore +took umbrage at his success, became jealous of his reputation, and +began to treat him with marks of scorn and disrespect. + +His sister saw, and, dreading the consequence of his ferocity, not +only took him to task in private for his impolite behaviour, but +also entreated her lover to make allowances for the roughness of +her brother's education. He kindly assured her, that whatever pains +it might cost him to vanquish his own impetuous temper, he would, +for her sake, endure all the mortifications to which her brother's +arrogance might expose him; and, after having stayed with her two +days, and enjoyed several private interviews, during which he acted +the part of a most passionate lover, he took his leave of Mrs. +Gauntlet overnight, and told the young ladies be would call early +next morning to bid them farewell. He did not neglect this piece +of duty, and found the two friends and breakfast already prepared +in the parlour. All three being extremely affected with the thoughts +of parting, a most pathetic silence for some time prevailed, till +Peregrine put an end to it by lamenting his fate, in being obliged +to exile himself so long from the dear object of his most interesting +wish. He begged, with the most earnest supplications, that she +would now, in consideration of the cruel absence he must suffer, +give him the consolation which she had hitherto refused; namely, that +of knowing he possessed a place within her heart. The confidante +seconded his request, representing that it was now no time +to disguise her sentiments, when her lover was about to leave the +kingdom, and might be in danger of contracting other connections, +unless he was confirmed in his constancy, by knowing how far +he could depend upon her love; and, in short, she was plied with +such irresistible importunities, that she answered in the utmost +confusion, "Though I have avoided literal acknowledgments, methinks +the circumstances of my behaviour might have convinced Mr. Pickle +that I do not regard him as a common acquaintance."--"My charming +Emily," cried the impatient lover, throwing himself at her feet, +"why will you deal out my happiness in such scanty portions? Why +will you thus mince the declaration which would overwhelm me with +pleasure, and cheer my lonely reflection, while I sigh amid the +solitude of separation?" His fair mistress, melted by this image, +replied, with the tears gushing from her eyes, "I'm afraid I shall +feel that separation more severely than you imagine." Transported +at this flattering confession, he pressed her to his breast, +and while her head reclined upon his neck, mingled his tears with +hers in great abundance, breathing the most tender vows of eternal +fidelity. The gentle heart of Sophy could not bear this scene +unmoved: she wept with sympathy, and encouraged the lovers to +resign themselves to the will of fate, and support their spirits +with the hope of meeting again on happier terms. Finally, after +mutual promises, exhortations, and endearments, Peregrine took his +leave, his heart being so full that he could scarce pronounce the +word Adieu! and, mounting his horse at the door, set out with Pipes +for the garrison. + + + + + +CHAPTER XXVIII. + + + + +Peregrine is overtaken by Mr. Gauntlet, with whom he fights a Duel, +and contracts an intimate Friendship--He arrives at the Garrison, +and finds his Mother as implacable as ever--He is insulted by his +Brother Gam, whose Preceptor he disciplines with a Horsewhip. + + +In order to expel the melancholy images that took possession of his +fancy, at parting from his mistress, he called in the flattering +ideas of those pleasures he expected to enjoy in France; and before +he had rode ten miles, his imagination was effectually amused. +While he thus prosecuted his travels by anticipation, and indulged +himself in all the insolence of hope, at the turning of a lane he +was all of a sudden overtaken by Emilia's brother on horseback, +who told him he was riding the same way, and should be glad of his +company. This young gentleman, whether prompted by personal pique, +or actuated with zeal for the honour of his family, had followed +our hero, with the view of obliging him to explain the nature of +his attachment to his sister. + +Peregrine returned his compliment with such disdainful civility as +gave him room to believe that he suspected his errand; and therefore, +without further preamble, he declared his business in these words: +"Mr. Pickle, you have carried on a correspondence with my sister +for some time, and I should be glad to know the nature of it." To +this question our lover replied, "Sir, I should be glad to know +what title you have to demand that satisfaction?"--"Sir," answered +the other, "I demand it in the capacity of a brother, jealous of +his own honour, as well as of his sister's reputation; and if your +intentions are honourable, you will not refuse it."--"Sir," said +Peregrine, "I am not at present disposed to appeal to your opinion +for the rectitude of my intentions: and I think you assume a little +too much importance, in pretending to judge my conduct."--"Sir," +replied the soldier, "I pretend to judge the conduct of every man +who interferes with my concerns, and even to chastise him, if I +think he acts amiss."--"Chastise!" cried the youth, with indignation +in his looks, "sure you dare not apply that term to me?"--"You +are mistaken," said Godfrey; "I dare do anything that becomes the +character of a gentleman."--"Gentleman, God wot!" replied the other, +looking contemptuously at his equipage, which was none of the most +superb, "a very pretty gentleman, truly!" + +The soldier's wrath was inflamed by this ironical repetition, the +contempt of which his conscious poverty made him feel; and he called +his antagonist presumptuous boy, insolent upstart, and with other +epithets, which Perry retorted with great bitterness. A formal +challenge having passed between them, they alighted at the first +inn, and walked into the next field, in order to decide their +quarrel by the sword. Having pitched upon the spot, helped to pull +off each other's boots, and laid aside their coats and waistcoats, +Mr. Gauntlet told his opponent, that he himself was looked upon +in the army as an expert swordsman, and that if Mr. Pickle had not +made that science his particular study, they should be upon a more +equal footing in using pistols. Peregrine was too much incensed +to thank him for his plain dealing, and too confident of his own +skill to relish the other's proposal, which he accordingly rejected: +then, drawing his sword, he observed, that were he to treat Mr. +Gauntlet according to his deserts, he would order his man to punish +his audacity with a horsewhip. Exasperated at this expression, +which he considered as an indelible affront, he made no reply, but +attacked his adversary with equal ferocity and address. The youth +parried his first and second thrust, but received the third in the +outside of his sword-arm. Though the wound was superficial, he was +transported with rage at sight of his own blood, and returned the +assault with such fury and precipitation, that Gauntlet, loath to +take advantage of his unguarded heat, stood upon the defensive. In +the second lounge, Peregrine's weapon entering a kind of network in +the shell of Godfrey's sword, the blade snapped in two, and left him +at the mercy of the soldier, who, far from making an insolent use +of the victory he had gained, put up his Toledo with great deliberation, +like a man who had been used to that kind of reencounters, and +observed that such a blade as Peregrine's was not to be trusted +with a man's life: then advising the owner to treat a gentleman in +distress with more respect for the future, he slipped on his boots, +and with sullen dignity of demeanour stalked back to the inn. + +Though Pickle was extremely mortified at his miscarriage in this +adventure, he was also struck with the behaviour of his antagonist, +which affected him the more, as he understood that Godfrey's fierte +had proceeded from the jealous sensibility of a gentleman declined +into the vale of misfortune. Gauntlet's valour and moderation induced +him to put a favourable construction on all those circumstances of +that young soldier's conduct, which before had given him disgust. +Though in any other case he would have industriously avoided the +least appearance of submission, he followed his conqueror to the +inn with a view of thanking him for his generous forbearance, and +of soliciting his friendship and correspondence. + +Godfrey had his foot in the stirrup to mount, when Peregrine, coming +up to him, desired he would defer his departure for a quarter of +an hour, and favour him with a little private conversation. The +soldier, who mistook the meaning of the request, immediately quitted +his horse, and followed Pickle into a chamber, where he expected +to find a brace of pistols loaded on the table: but he was very +agreeably deceived, when our hero, in the most respectful terms, +acknowledged his noble deportment in the field, owned that till +then he had misunderstood his character, and begged that he would +honour him with his intimacy and correspondence. + +Gauntlet, who had seen undoubted proofs of Peregrine's courage, +which had considerably raised him in his esteem, and had sense enough +to perceive that this concession was not owing to any sordid or +sinister motive, embraced his offer with demonstrations of infinite +satisfaction. When he understood the terms on which Mr. Pickle +was with his sister, he proffered his service in his turn, either +as agent, mediator, or confidant: nay, to give this new friend a +convincing proof of his sincerity, he disclosed to him a passion +which he had for some time entertained for his cousin Miss Sophy, +though he durst not reveal his sentiments to her father, lest he +should be offended at his presumption, and withdraw his protection +from the family. + +Peregrine's generous heart was wrung with anguish, when he understood +that this young gentleman, who was the only son of a distinguished +officer, had carried arms for the space of five years, without +being able to obtain a subaltern's commission, though he always +had behaved with remarkable regularity and spirit, and, acquired +the friendship and esteem of all the officers under whom he had +served. He would, at that time, with the utmost pleasure, have +shared his finances with him; but as he would not run the risk of +offending the young soldier's delicacy of honour by a premature +exertion of his liberality, he resolved to insinuate himself into +an intimacy with him, before he would venture to take such freedoms; +and with that view pressed Mr. Gauntlet to accompany him to the +garrison, where he did not doubt of having influence enough to make +him a welcome guest. Godfrey thanked him very courteously for his +invitation, which he said he could not immediately accept; but +promised, if he would favour him with a letter, and fix the time +at which he proposed to set out for France, he would endeavour to +visit him at the commodore's habitation, and from thence give him +a convoy to Dover. This new treaty being settled, and a dossil of +lint, with a snip of plaster, applied to our adventurer's wound, he +parted from the brother of his dear Emilia, to whom and his friend +Sophy he sent his kindest wishes; and having lodged one night +upon the road, arrived next day in the afternoon at the garrison, +where he found all his friends in good health, and overjoyed at +his return. + +The commodore, who was by this time turned of seventy, and altogether +crippled by the gout, seldom went abroad; and as his conversation +was not very entertaining, had but little company within doors; so +that his spirits must have quite stagnated, had not they been kept +in motion by the conversation of Hatchway, and received at different +times a wholesome fillip from the discipline of his spouse, who, +by the force of pride, religion, and Cognac, had erected a most +terrible tyranny in the house. There was such a quick circulation +of domestics in the family, that every suit of livery had been +worn by figures of all dimensions. Trunnion himself had long before +this time yielded to the torrent of her arbitrary sway, though not +without divers obstinate efforts to maintain his liberty; and now, +that he was disabled by his infirmities, when he used to bear his +empress singing the loud Orthyan song among the servants below, +he would often in whispers communicate to the lieutenant hints of +what he would do if so be as how he was not deprived of the use of +his precious limbs. Hatchway was the only person whom the temper of +Mrs. Trunnion respected, either because she dreaded his ridicule, +or looked upon his person with eyes of affection. This being the +situation of things in the garrison, it is not to be doubted that +the old gentleman highly enjoyed the presence of Peregrine, who +found means to ingratiate himself so effectually with his aunt, +that while he remained at home, she seemed to have exchanged the +disposition of a tigress for that of a gentle kid; but he found +his own mother as implacable, and his father as much henpecked, as +ever. + +Gamaliel, who now very seldom enjoyed the conversation of his old +friend the commodore, had some time ago entered into an amicable +society, consisting of the barber, apothecary, attorney, and +exciseman of the parish, among whom he used to spend the evening at +Tunley's, and listen to their disputes upon philosophy and politics +with great comfort and edification, while his sovereign lady +domineered at home as usual, visited with pomp in the neighbourhood, +and employed her chief care in the education of her darling son +Gam, who was now in the fifteenth year of his age, and so remarkable +for his perverse disposition, that, in spite of his mother's +influence and authority, he was not only hated, but also despised, +both at home and abroad. She had put him under the tuition of the +curate, who lived in the family, and was obliged to attend him +in all his exercises and excursions. This governor was a low-bred +fellow, who had neither experience nor ingenuity, but possessed a +large fund of adulation and servile complaisance, by which he had +gained the good graces of Mrs. Pickle, and presided over all her +deliberations in the same manner as his superior managed those of +Mrs. Trunnion. + +He had one day rode out to take the air with his pupil, who, as I +have already observed, was odious to the poor people, for having +killed their dogs and broken their inclosures, and, on account of +his hump, distinguished by the title of My Lord, when in a narrow +lane they chanced to meet Peregrine on horseback. The young squire +no sooner perceived his elder brother, for whom he had been instructed +to entertain the most inveterate grudge, than he resolved to insult +him en passant, and actually rode against him from gallop. Our +hero, guessing his aim, fixed himself in his stirrups, and by a +dexterous management of the reins avoided the shock in such a manner +as that their legs only should encounter; by which means my lord +was tilted out of his saddle, and in a twinkling laid sprawling +in the dirt. The governor, enraged at the disgrace of his charge, +advanced with great insolence and fury, and struck at Peregrine with +his whip. Nothing could be more agreeable to our young gentleman +than this assault, which furnished him with an opportunity of +chastising an officious wretch, whose petulance and malice he had +longed to punish. He therefore, spurring up his horse towards his +antagonist, overthrew him in the middle of a hedge. Before he had +time to recollect himself from the confusion of the fall, Pickle +alighted in a trice, and exercised his horsewhip with such agility +about the curate's face and ears, that he was fain to prostrate +himself before his enraged conqueror, and implore his forbearance +in the most abject terms. While Peregrine was thus employed, his +brother Gam had made shift to rise and attack him in the rear; for +which reason, when the tutor was quelled, the victor faced about, +snatched the weapon out of his hand, and having broken it to pieces, +remounted his horse and rode off, without deigning to honour him +with any other notice. + +The condition in which they returned produced infinite clamour +against the conqueror, who was represented as a ruffian who had +lain in ambush to make away with his brother, in whose defence the +curate was said to have received those cruel stripes that hindered +him from appearing for three whole weeks in the performance of his +duty at church. Complaints were made to the commodore, who, having +inquired into the circumstances of the affair, approved of what his +nephew had done, adding, with many oaths, that provided Peregrine +had been out of the scrape, he wished Crook-back had broken his +neck in the fall. + + + + + +CHAPTER XXIX. + + + + + +He projects a plan of Revenge, which is executed against the Curate. + + +Our hero, exasperated at the villainy of the curate, in the treacherous +misrepresentation he had made of this encounter, determined to rise +upon him a method of revenge, which should be not only effectual but +also unattended any bad consequence to himself. For this purpose +he and Hatchway, to whom he imparted his plan, went to the ale-house +one evening, and called for an empty room, knowing there was no +other but that which they had chosen for the scene of action. This +apartment was a sort of a parlour that fronted the kitchen, with +a window towards the yard, where after they had sat some time, the +lieutenant found means to amuse the landlord in discourse, while +Peregrine, stepping out into the yard, by the talent of mimickry, +which he possessed in a surprising degree, counterfeited a dialogue +between the curate and Tunley's wife. This reaching the ears of +the publican, for whose hearing it was calculated, inflamed his +naturally jealous disposition to such a degree, that he could not +conceal his emotion, but made a hundred efforts to quit the room; +while the lieutenant, smoking his pipe with great gravity, as +if he neither heard what passed nor took notice of the landlord's +disorder, detained him on the spot by a succession of questions, +which he could not refuse to answer, though he stood sweating with +agony all the time, stretching his neck every instant towards the +window through which the voices were conveyed, scratching his head, +and exhibiting sundry other symptoms of impatience and agitation. +At length the supposed conversation came to such a pitch of amorous +complaisance, that the husband, quite frantic with his imaginary +disgrace, rushed out of the door crying, "Coming, sir;" but as he +was obliged to make a circuit round one-half of the house, Peregrine +had got in by the window before Tunley arrived in the yard. + +According to the feigned intelligence he had received, he ran +directly to the barn, in expectation of making some very extraordinary +discovery; and having employed some minutes in rummaging the straw +to no purpose, returned in a state of distraction to the kitchen, +just as his wife chanced to enter at the other door. The circumstance +of her appearance confirmed him in the opinion that the deed was +done. As the disease of being henpecked was epidemic in the parish, +he durst not express the least hint of his uneasiness to her, but +resolved to take vengeance on the libidinous priest, who he imagined +had corrupted the chastity of his spouse. + +The two confederates, in order to be certified that their scheme +had taken effect, as well as to blow up the flame which they had +kindled, called for Tunley, in whose countenance they could easily +discern his confusion. Peregrine, desiring him to sit down and drink +a glass with them, began to interrogate him about his family, and, +among other things, asked him how long he had been married to that +handsome wife. This question, which was put with an arch significance +of look, alarmed the publican, who began to fear that Pickle had +overheard his dishonour; and this suspicion was not at all removed +when the lieutenant, with a sly regard, pronounced "Tunley warn't +you noosed by the curate?" "Yes, is was," replied the landlord, +with an eagerness and perplexity of tone, as if he thought the +lieutenant knew that thereby hang a tale: and Hatchway supported +the suspicion by "Nay, as for that matter, the curate may be a +very sufficient man in his way." This transition from his wife to +the curate convinced him that his shame was known to his guests; +and, in the transport of his indignation, he pronounced with great +emphasis, "A sufficient man! Odds heart! I believe they are all +wolves in sheep's clothing. I wish to God I could see the day, master, +when there shall not be a priest, an exciseman, or a custom-house +officer in the kingdom. As for that fellow of a curate, if I do +catch him--It don't signify talking--But, by the Lord!--Gentlemen, +my service to you." + +The associates being satisfied, by these abrupt insinuations, that +they had so far succeeded in their aim, waited with impatience +two or three days in expectation of hearing that Tunley had fallen +upon some method of being revenged for this imaginary wrong; but +finding that either his invention was too shallow, or his inclination +too languid, to gratify their desire of his own accord, they +determined to bring the affair to such a crisis, that he should not +be able to withstand the opportunity of executing his vengeance. +With this view, they one evening hired a boy to run to Mr. Pickle's +house, and tell the curate that Mrs. Tunley being taken suddenly +ill, her husband desired he would come immediately and pray with +her. They had taken possession of a room in the house and Hatchway +engaging the landlord in conversation, Peregrine, in his return +from the yard, observed, as if by accident, that the parson was gone +into the kitchen, in order, as he supposed, to catechise Tunley's +wife. + +The publican started at this intelligence, and, under pretence of +serving another company in the next room, went out to the barn, +where, arming himself with a flail, he repaired to a lane through +which the curate was under a necessity of passing in his way home. +There he lay in ambush with fell intent; and when the supposed +author of his shame arrived, greeted him in the dark with such a +salutation as forced him to stagger backward three paces at least. +If the second application had taken effect, in all probability +that spot would have been the boundary of the parson's mortal +peregrination; but luckily for him, his antagonist was not expert +in the management of his weapon, which, by a twist of the thong +that connected the legs, instead of pitching upon the head of the +astonished curate, descended in an oblique direction on his own pate, +with such a swing that the skull actually rang like an apothecary's +mortar, and ten thousand lights seemed to dance before his eyes. +The curate recollecting himself during the respite he obtained from +this accident, and believing his aggressor to be some thief who +lurked in that place for prey, resolved to make a running fight, +until he should arrive within cry of his habitation. With this +design he raised up his cudgel for the defence of his head, and, +betaking himself to his heels, began to roar for help with the lungs +of a Stentor. Tunley, throwing away the flail, which he durst no +longer trust with the execution of his revenge, pursued the fugitive +with all the speed he could exert; and the other, either unnerved +by fear or stumbling over a stone, was overtaken before he had run +a hundred paces. He no sooner felt the wind of the publican's fist +that whistled round his ears, than he fell flat upon the earth at +full length, and the cudgel flew from his unclasping hand; when +Tunley, springing like a tiger on his back, rained such a shower +of blows upon his carcase, that he imagined himself under the +discipline of ten pairs of fists at least; yet the imaginary cuckold, +not satisfied with annoying the priest in this manner, laid hold +of one of his ears with his teeth, and bit so unmercifully, that +the curate was found almost entranced with pain by two labourers, +at whose approach the assailant retreated unperceived. + +The lieutenant had posted himself at the window, in order to see +the landlord at his first return: and no sooner perceived him enter +the yard, than he called him into the apartment, impatient to learn +the effects of their stratagem. Tunley obeyed the summons, and +appeared before his guests in all the violence of rage, disorder, +and fatigue: his nostrils were dilated more than one-half beyond +their natural capacity, his eyes rolled, his teeth chattered, he +snored in breathing as if he had been oppressed by the nightmare, +and streams of sweat flowed down each side of his forehead. + +Peregrine, affecting to start at the approach of such an uncouth +figure, asked if he had been with a spirit; upon which he answered, +with great vehemence, "Spirit! No, no, master, I have had a roll and +tumble with the flesh. A dog. I'll teach him to come a caterwauling +about my doors." Guessing from this reply, that his aim was +accomplished, and curious to know the particulars of the rencounter, +"Well, then," said the youth, "I hope you have prevailed against +the flesh, Tunley."--"Yes, yes," answered the publican, "I have +cooled his capissens, as the saying is: I have played such a tune +about his ears, that I'll be bound he shan't long for music this +month. A goatish, man-faced rascal! Why, he's a perfect parish +bull, as I hope to live." + +Hatchway, observing that he seemed to have made a stout battle, +desired he would sit down and recover wind; and after he had swallowed +a brace of bumpers, his vanity prompted him to expatiate upon his +own exploit in such a manner, that the confederates, without seeming +to know the curate was his antagonist, became acquainted with every +circumstance of the ambuscade. + +Tunley had scarce got the better of his agitation, when his wife, +entering the room, told them, by way of news, that some waggish body +had sent Mr. Sackbut the curate to pray with her. This name inflamed +the husband's choler anew; and, forgetting all his complaisance +for his spouse, he replied with a rancorous grin, "Add rabbit him! +I doubt not but you found his admonitions deadly comfortable!" +The landlady, looking at her vassal with a sovereign aspect, "What +crotchets," said she, "have you got in your fool's head, I trow? +I know no business you have to sit here like a gentleman with your +arms akimbo, there's another company in the house to be served." The +submissive husband took the hint, and without further expostulation +sneaked out of the room. + +Next day it was reported that Mr. Sackbut had been waylaid and +almost murdered by robbers, and an advertisement was pasted upon the +church-door, offering a reward to any person that should discover +the assassin; but he reaped no satisfaction from this expedient, +and was confined to his chamber a whole fortnight, by the bruises +he had received. + + + + + +CHAPTER XXX. + + + + +Mr. Sackbut and his Pupil conspire against Peregrine, who, +being apprised of their Design by his Sister, takes measures for +counterworking their Scheme, which is executed by mistake upon Mr. +Gauntlet--this young Soldier meets with a cordial reception from +the Commodore, who generously decoys him into his own interest. + + +When he considered the circumstances of the ambuscade, he could +not persuade himself that he had been assaulted by a common thief, +because it was not to be supposed that a robber would have amused +himself in pummeling rather than in rifling his prey; he therefore +ascribed his misfortune to the secret enmity of some person who had +a design upon his life; and, upon mature deliberation, fixed his +suspicion upon Peregrine, who was the only man on earth from whom +he thought he deserved such treatment. He communicated his conjecture +to his pupil, who readily adopted his opinion, and advised him +strenuously to revenge the wrong by a like contrivance, without +seeking to make a narrower inquiry, lest his enemy should be thereby +put upon his guard. + +This proposal being relished, they in concert revolved the means +of retorting the ambush with interest, and actually laid such a +villainous plan for attacking our hero in the dark, that, had it +been executed according to their intention, the young gentleman's +scheme of travelling would have been effectually marred. But their +machinations were overheard by Miss Pickle, who was now in the +seventeenth year of her age, and, in spite of the prejudice of +education, entertained in secret a most sisterly affection for her +brother Perry, though she had never spoken to him, and was deterred +by the precepts, vigilance and menaces of her mother, from attempting +any means of meeting him in private. She was not, however, insensible +to his praise, which was loudly sounded forth in the neighbourhood; +and never failed of going to church, and every other place, where +she thought she might have an opportunity of seeing this amiable +brother. With these sentiments it cannot be supposed that she +would hear the conspiracy without emotion. She was shocked at the +treacherous barbarity of Gam, and shuddered at the prospect of the +danger to which Peregrine would be exposed from their malice. She +durst not communicate this plot to her mother, because she was +afraid that lady's unaccountable aversion for her first-born would +hinder her from interposing in his behalf, and consequently render +her a sort of accomplice in the guilt of his assassins. She therefore +resolved to warn Peregrine of the conspiracy, on account of which +she transmitted to him in an affectionate letter, by means of a +young gentleman in that neighbourhood, who made his addresses to +her at that time, and who, at her request, offered his service to +our hero, in defeating the projects of his adversaries. + +Peregrine was startled when he read the particulars of their scheme, +which was no other than an intention to sally upon him when he +should be altogether unprovided against such an attack, cut off his +ears, and otherwise mutilate him in such a manner that he should +have no cause to be vain of his person for the future. Incensed as +he was against the brutal disposition of his own father's son, he +could not help being moved at the integrity and tenderness of his +sister, of whose inclinations towards him he had been hitherto kept +in ignorance. He thanked the gentleman for his honourable dealing, +and expressed a desire of being better acquainted with his +virtues; told him that now he was cautioned, he hoped there would +be no necessity for giving him any further trouble, and wrote by +him a letter of acknowledgment to his sister, for whom he expressed +the utmost love and regard, beseeching her to favour him with an +interview before his departure, that he might indulge his fraternal +fondness, and be blessed with the company and countenance of one at +least belonging to his own family. Having imparted this discovery +to his friend Hatchway, they came to a resolution of countermining +the plan of their enemies. As they did not choose to expose themselves +to the insinuations of slander, which would have exerted itself +at their expense, had they, even in defending themselves, employed +any harsh means of retaliation, they invented a method of disappointing +and disgracing their foes, and immediately set Pipes at work to +forward the preparations. Miss Pickle having described the spot which +the assassins had pitched upon for the scene of their vengeance, +our triumvirate intended to have placed a sentinel among the corn, +who should come and give them intelligence when the ambuscade was +laid; and, in consequence of that information, they would steal +softly towards the place, attended by three or four of the domestics, +and draw a large net over the conspirators, who, being entangled +in the toil, should be disarmed, fettered, heartily scourged, and +suspended between two trees in the snare, as a spectacle to all +passengers that should chance to travel that way. + +The plan being thus digested, and the commodore acquainted with the +whole affair, the spy was sent upon duty, and everybody within-doors +prepared to go forth upon the first notice. One whole evening did +they spend in the most impatient expectation, but on the second +the scout crept into the garrison, and assured them that he had +perceived three men skulking behind the hedge, on the road that led +to the public-house from which Peregrine and the lieutenant used +every night to return about that hour. Upon this intelligence +the confederates set out immediately with all their implements. +Approaching the scene with as little noise as possible, they heard +the sound of blows; and, though the night was dark, perceived a +sort of tumultuous conflict on the very spot which the conspirators +had possessed. Surprised at this occurrence, the meaning of which he +could not comprehend, Peregrine ordered his myrmidons to halt and +reconnoitre; and immediately his ears were saluted with an exclamation +of "You shan't 'scape me, rascal." The voice being quite familiar +to him, he at once divined the cause of that confusion which they +had observed; and running up to the assistance of the exclaimer, +found a fellow on his knees begging his life of Mr. Gauntlet, who +stood over him with a naked hanger in his hand. + +Pickle instantly made himself known to his friend, who told him, +that having left his horse at Tunley's, he was, in his way to +the garrison, set upon by three ruffians, one of whom being the +very individual person now in his power, had come behind him, and +struck with a bludgeon at his head, which, however, he missed, and +the instrument descended on his left shoulder; that, upon drawing +his hanger, and laying about him in the dark, the other two fled, +leaving their companion, whom he had disabled, in the lurch. + +Peregrine congratulated him on his safety, and having ordered Pipes +to secure the prisoner, conducted Mr. Gauntlet to the garrison, where +he met with a very hearty reception from the commodore, to whom he +was introduced as his nephew's intimate friend; not but that, in +all likelihood, he would have abated somewhat of his hospitality +had he known that he was the brother of Perry's mistress; but her +name the old gentleman had never thought of asking, when he inquired +into the particulars of his godson's amour. + +The captive being examined, in presence of Trunnion and all his +adherents, touching the ambuscade, owned that being in the service +of Gam Pickle, he had been prevailed upon, by the solicitations of +his master and the Curate, to accompany them in their expedition, +and undertake the part which he had acted against the stranger, +whom he and his employers mistook for Peregrine. In consideration +of this frank acknowledgment, and a severe wound he had received +in his right arm, they resolved to inflict no other punishment on +this malefactor than to detain him all night in the garrison, and +next morning carry him before a justice of the peace, to whom he +repeated all he had said overnight, and with his own hand subscribed +his confession, copies of which were handed about the neighbourhood, +to the unspeakable confusion and disgrace of the curate and his +promising pupil. + +Meanwhile Trunnion treated the young soldier with uncommon marks +of respect, being prepossessed in his favour by this adventure, +which he had so gallantly achieved, as well as by the encomiums +that Peregrine bestowed upon his valour and generosity. He liked +his countenance, which was bold and hardy, admired his Herculean +limbs, and delighted in asking questions concerning the service he +had seen. The day after his arrival, while the conversation turned +on this last subject, the commodore, taking the pipe out of his +month, "I'll tell ye what, brother," said he; "five-and-forty years +ago, when I was third lieutenant of the Warwick man-of-war, there +was a very stout young fellow on board, a subaltern officer of +marines; his name was not unlike your own, d'ye see, being Guntlet, +with a G. I remember he and I could not abide one another at +first, because, d'ye see, I was a sailor and he a landsman; till +we fell in with a Frenchman, whom we engaged for eight glasses, and +at length boarded and took. I was the first man that stood on the +enemy's deck, and should have come scurvily off, d'ye see, if Guntlet +had not jumped to my assistance; but we soon cleared ship, and +drove them to close quarters, so that they were obliged to strike; +and from that day Guntlet and I were sworn brothers as long as he +remained on board. He was exchanged into a marching regiment, and +what became of him afterwards, Lord in heaven knows; but this I'll +say of him, whether he be dead or alive, he feared no man that ever +wore a head, and was, moreover, a very hearty messmate." + +The stranger's breast glowed at this eulogium, which was no sooner +pronounced than he eagerly asked if the French ship was not the +Diligence? The commodore replied, with a stare, "The very same, my +lad."--"Then," said Gauntlet, "the person of whom you are pleased +to make such honourable mention was my own father."--"The devil he +was!" cried Trunnion, shaking him by the hand: "I am rejoiced to +see a son of Ned Guntlet in my house." + +This discovery introduced a thousand questions, in the course +of which the old gentleman learned the situation of his friend's +family, and discharged innumerable execrations upon the ingratitude +and injustice of the ministry, which had failed to provide for +the son of such a brave soldier. Nor was his friendship confined +to such ineffectual expressions; he that same evening signified +to Peregrine a desire of doing something for his friend. This +inclination was so much praised, encouraged, and promoted by his +godson, and even supported by his councilor Hatchway, that our +hero was empowered to present him with a sum of money sufficient +to purchase a commission. + +Though nothing could be more agreeable to Pickle than this permission, +he was afraid that Godfrey's scrupulous disposition would hinder +him from subjecting himself to any such obligation; and therefore +proposed that he should be decoyed into his own interest by a +feigned story, in consequence of which he would be prevailed upon +to accept of the money, as a debt which the commodore had contracted +of his father at sea. Trunnion made wry faces at this expedient, +the necessity of which he could not conceive, without calling in +question the common sense of Gauntlet; as he took it for granted that +such offers as those were not to be rejected on any consideration +whatever. Besides, he could not digest an artifice, by which he +himself must own that he had lived so many years without manifesting +the least intention of doing justice to his creditor. All these +objections, however, were removed by the zeal and rhetoric of +Peregrine, who represented that it would be impossible to befriend +him on any other terms; that his silence hitherto would be imputed +to his want of information touching the circumstances and condition of +his friend; and that his remembering and insisting upon discharging +the obligation, after such an interval of time, when the whole +affair was in oblivion, would be the greatest compliment he could +pay to his own honour and integrity. + +Thus persuaded, he took an opportunity of Gauntlet's being alone +with him to broach the affair, telling the young man that his father +had advanced a sum of money for him, when they sailed together, on +account of the mess, as well as to stop the mouth of a clamorous +creditor at Portsmouth; and that the said sum, with interest, +amounted to about four hundred pounds, which he would now, with +great thankfulness, repay. + +Godfrey was amazed at this declaration, and, after a considerable +pause, replied, that he had never heard his parents mention any +such debt; that no memorandum or voucher of it was found among his +father's papers; and that, in all probability, it must have been +discharged long ago, although the commodore, in such a long course +of time and hurry of occupation, might have forgotten the repayment: +he therefore desired to be excused from accepting what in his own +conscience he believed was not his due; and complemented the old +gentleman upon his being so scrupulously just and honourable. + +The soldier's refusal, which was matter of astonishment to Trunnion, +increased his inclination to assist him; and, on pretence of +acquitting his own character, he urged his beneficence with such +obstinacy, that Gauntlet, afraid of disobliging him, was in a manner +compelled to receive a draft for the money; for which he subscribed +an ample discharge, and immediately transmitted the order to his +mother, whom at the same time he informed of the circumstances by +which they had so unexpectedly gained this accession of fortune. + +Such a piece of news could not fail of being agreeable to Mrs. +Gauntlet, who by the first post wrote a polite letter of acknowledgment +to the commodore; another to her own son, importing that she had +already sent the draft to a friend in London, with directions to +deposit it in the hands of a certain banker, for the purchase of +the first ensigncy to be sold; and she took the liberty of sending +a third to Peregrine, couched in very affectionate terms, with a +kind postscript, signed by Miss Sophy and his charming Emily. + +This affair being transacted to the satisfaction of all concerned, +preparations were set on foot for the departure of our hero, on +whom his uncle settled an annuity of eight hundred pounds, being +little less than one half of his whole income. By this time, indeed, +the old gentleman could easily afford to alienate such a part of +his fortune, because he entertained little or no company, kept few +servants, and was remarkably plain and frugal in his housekeeping. +Mrs. Trunnion being now some years on the wrong side of fifty, her +infirmities began to increase; and though her pride had suffered +no diminution, her vanity was altogether subdued by her avarice. + +A Swiss valet-de-chambre, who had already made the tour of Europe, +was hired for the care of Peregrine's own person. Pipes being ignorant +of the French language, as well as otherwise unfit for the office +of a fashionable attendant, it was resolved that he should remain +in garrison; and his place was immediately supplied by a Parisian +lacquey engaged at London for that purpose. Pipes did not seem to +relish this disposition of things; and though he made no verbal +objections to it, looked remarkably sour at his successor upon his +first arrival; but this sullen fit seemed gradually to wear off; +and long before his master's departure, he had recovered his natural +tranquility and unconcern. + + + + + +CHAPTER XXXI. + + + + +The two young Gentlemen display their talents for Gallantry, in +the course of which they are involved in a ludicrous circumstance +of Distress, and afterwards take Vengeance on the Author of their +Mishap. + + +Meanwhile our hero and his new friend, together with honest Jack +Hatchway, made daily excursions into the country, visited the +gentlemen in the neighbourhood, and frequently accompanied them +to the chase; all three being exceedingly caressed on account of +their talents, which could accommodate themselves with great facility +to the tempers and turns of their entertainers. The lieutenant was +a droll in his way, Peregrine possessed a great fund of sprightliness +and good-humour, and Godfrey, among his other qualifications already +recited, sang a most excellent song; so that the company of this +triumvirate was courted in all parties, whether male or female: +and if the hearts of our young gentlemen had not been pre-engaged, +they would have met with opportunities in abundance of displaying +their address in the art of love: not but that they gave loose +to their gallantry without much interesting their affections, and +amused themselves with little intrigues, which, in the opinion of +a man of pleasure, do not affect his fidelity to the acknowledged +sovereign of his soul. + +In the midst of these amusements, our hero received an intimation +from his sister, that she should be overjoyed to meet him next +day, at five o'clock in the afternoon, at the house of her nurse, +who lived in a cottage hard by her father's habitation, she being +debarred from all opportunity of seeing him in any other place +by the severity of her mother, who suspected her inclination. +He accordingly obeyed the summons, and went at the time appointed +to the place of rendezvous, where be met this affectionate young +lady, who when he entered the room, ran towards him with all the +eagerness of transport, flung her arms about his neck, and shed a +flood of tears in his bosom before she could utter one word, except +a repetition of My dear, dear brother! He embraced her with all the +piety of fraternal tenderness, wept over her in his turn, assured +her that this was one of the happiest moments of his life, and +kindly thanked her for having resisted the example, and disobeyed. +the injunctions, of his mother's unnatural aversion. + +He was ravished to find, by her conversation, that she possessed a +great share of sensibility and prudent reflection; for she lamented +the infatuation of her parents with the most filial regret, and +expressed such abhorrence and concern at the villainous disposition +of her younger brother as a humane sister may be supposed to have +entertained. He made her acquainted with all the circumstances +of his own fortune; and, as he supposed she spent her time very +disagreeably at home, among characters which must be shockingly +interesting, professed a desire of removing her into some other +sphere, where she could live with more tranquility and satisfaction. + +She objected to this proposal as an expedient that would infallibly +subject her to the implacable resentment of her mother, whose favour +and affection she at present enjoyed but in a very inconsiderable +degree; and they had canvassed divers schemes of corresponding +for the future, when the voice of Mrs. Pickle was heard at the +door. Miss Julia (that was the young lady's name), finding herself +betrayed, was seized with a violent agitation of fear; and Peregrine +scarce had time to encourage her with a promise of protection, before +the door of the apartment being flung open, this irreconcilable +parent rushed in, and, with a furious aspect, flew directly at her +trembling daughter, when, the son interposing, received the first +discharge of her fury. + +Her eyes gleamed with all the rage of indignation, which choked up +her utterance, and seemed to convulse her whole frame: she twisted +her left hand in his hair, and with the other buffeted him about +the face till the blood gushed from his nostrils and mouth; while +he defended his sister from the cruelty of Gam, who assaulted her +from another quarter, seeing his brother engaged. This attack lasted +several minutes with great violence, till at length Peregrine, +finding himself in danger of being overpowered if he should remain +any longer on the defensive, laid his brother on his back; then +he disentangled his mother's hand from his own hair, and, having +pushed her gently out of the room, bolted the door on the inside; +finally, turning to Gam, he threw him out at the window, among +a parcel of hogs that fed under it. By this time Julia was almost +quite distracted with terror: she knew she bad offended beyond all +hope of forgiveness, and from that moment considered herself as an +exile from her father's house: in vain did her brother strive to +console her with fresh protestations of love and protection; she +counted herself extremely miserable in being obliged to endure the +eternal resentment of a parent with whom she had hitherto lived; +and dreaded the censure of the world, which, from her mother's +misrepresentation, she was sensible would condemn her unheard. That +she might not, however, neglect any means in her power of averting +this storm, she resolved to appease, if possible, her mother's wrath +with humiliation, and even appeal to the influence of her father, +weak as it was, before she would despair of being forgiven. But +the good lady spared her this unnecessary application, by telling +her, through the keyhole, that she must never expect to come within +her father's door again; for, from that hour, she renounced her +as unworthy of her affection and regard. Julia, weeping bitterly, +endeavoured to soften the rigour of this sentence by the most +submissive and reasonable remonstrances; but as, in her vindication, +she of necessity espoused her elder brother's cause, her endeavours, +instead of soothing, served only to exasperate her mother to a +higher pitch of indignation, which discharged itself in invectives +against Peregrine, whom she reviled with the epithets of a worthless, +abandoned reprobate. + +The youth, hearing these unjust aspersions, trembled with resentment +through every limb, assuring the upbraider that he considered her +as an object of compassion; "for without all doubt," said he, "your +diabolical rancour must be severely punished by the thorns of your +own conscience, which this very instant taxes you with the malice +and falsehood of your reproaches. As for my sister, I bless God that +you have not been able to infect her with your unnatural prejudice, +which, because she is too just, too virtuous, too humane to imbibe, +you reject her as an alien to your blood, and turn her out unprovided +into a barbarous world. But even there your vicious purpose shall be +defeated: that same Providence, that screened me from the cruelty +of your hate, shall extend its protection to her, until I shall +find it convenient to assert by law that right of maintenance which +Nature, it seems, hath bestowed upon us in vain. In the mean time, +you will enjoy the satisfaction of paying an undivided attention +to that darling son, whose amiable qualities have so long engaged +and engrossed your love and esteem." + +This freedom of expostulation exalted his mother's ire to mere +frenzy: she cursed him with the bitterest imprecations, and raved +like a bedlamite at the door, which she attempted to burst open. +Her efforts were seconded by her favourite son, who denounced +vengeance against Peregrine, and made furious assaults against the +lock, which resisted all their applications, until our hero espying +his friends Gauntlet and Pipes stepping over a stile that stood +about a furlong from the window, called them to his assistance: +giving them to understand how he was besieged, he desired they +would keep off his mother, that he might the more easily secure +his sister Julia's retreat. The young soldier entered accordingly, +and, posting, himself between Mrs. Pickle and the door, gave +the signal to his friend, who, lifting up his sister in his arms, +carried her safe without the clutches of this she-dragon, while +Pipes, with his cudgel, kept young master at bay. + +The mother, being thus deprived of her prey, sprang upon Gauntlet +like a lioness robbed of her whelps; and he must have suffered +sorely in the flesh, had he not prevented her mischievous intent +by seizing both her wrists, and so keeping her at due distance. In +attempting to disengage herself from his grasp, she struggled with +such exertion, and suffered such agony of passion at the same time, +that she actually fell into a severe fit, during which she was put +to bed, and the confederates retired without further molestation. + +In the mean time, Peregrine was not a little perplexed about the +disposal of his sister, whom he had rescued. He could not endure the +thoughts of saddling the commodore with a new expense; and he was +afraid of undertaking the charge of Julia, without his benefactor's +advice and direction: for the present, however, he carried her +to the house of a gentleman in the neighbourhood, whose lady was +her godmother, where she was received with great tenderness and +condolence; and he purposed to inquire for some creditable house, +where she might be genteelly boarded in his absence; resolving +to maintain her from the savings of his own allowance, which he +thought might very well bear such reduction. But this intention was +frustrated by the publication of the whole affair, which was divulged +next day, and soon reached the ears of Trunnion, who chid his godson +for having concealed the adventure; and, with the approbation of +his wife, ordered him to bring Julia forthwith to the garrison. +The young gentleman, with tears of gratitude in his eyes, explained +his design of maintaining her at his own expense, and earnestly +begged that he might not be deprived of that satisfaction. But his +uncle was deaf to all his entreaties, and insisted upon her living +in the garrison, though for no other reason than that of being company +to her aunt, who, he observed, was lost for want of conversation. + +Julia was accordingly brought home, and settled under the tuition +of Mrs. Trunnion, who, whatever face she might put on the matter, +could have dispensed with the society of her niece, though she was +not without hope of gratifying her pique to Mrs. Pickle, by the +intelligence she would receive from the daughter of that lady's +economy and domestic behaviour. The mother herself seemed conscious +of this advantage which her sister-in-law had now gained over her, +being as much chagrined at the news of Julia's reception in the +garrison, as if she had heard of her own husband's death. She even +tortured her invention to propagate calumnies against the reputation +of her own daughter, whom she slandered in all companies; she +exclaimed against the commodore as an old ruffian, who spirited up +rebellion among her children, and imputed the hospitality of his +wife, in countenancing them, to nothing else but her inveterate +enmity to their mother, whom they had disobliged. She now insisted, +in the most peremptory terms, upon her husband's renouncing all +commerce with the old lad of the castle and his adherents; and Mr. +Gamaliel, having by this time contracted other friendships, readily +submitted to her will; nay, even refused to communicate with the +commodore one night, when they happened to meet by accident at the +public-house. + + + + + +CHAPTER XXXII. + + + + +The Commodore sends a Challenge to Gamaliel, and is imposed upon +by a waggish invention of the Lieutenant, Peregrine, and Gauntlet. + + +This affront Trunnion could by no means digest: he advised with the +lieutenant upon the subject; and the result of their consultation +was a defiance which the old commander sent to Pickle, demanding +that he would meet him at such a place on horseback with a brace +of pistols, and give satisfaction for the slight he had put upon +him. Nothing could have afforded more pleasure to Jack than the +acceptance of this challenge, which he delivered verbally to Mr. +Gamaliel, who was called out from the club at Tunley's for that +purpose. The nature of this message had an instantaneous effect +upon the constitution of the pacific Pickle, whose bowels yearned +with apprehension, and underwent such violent agitation on the +spot, that one would have thought the operation proceeded from some +severe joke of the apothecary which he had swallowed in his beer. + +The messenger, despairing of a satisfactory answer, left him +in this woeful condition; and being loath to lose any opportunity +of raising the laugh against the commodore, went immediately and +communicated the whole affair to the young gentlemen, entreating +them, for the love of God, to concert some means of bringing old +Hannibal into the field. The two friends relished the proposal; +and after some deliberation, it was resolved that Hatchway should +tell Trunnion his invitation was accepted by Gamaliel, who would +meet him at the place appointed, with his second, to-morrow in the +twilight, because, if either should fall, the other would have the +chance of escaping in the dark; that Godfrey should personate old +Pickle's friend, and Peregrine represent his own father; while the +lieutenant should take care in loading the pistols to keep out the +shot, so that no damage might be done in the rencounter. + +These circumstances being adjusted, the lieutenant returned to his +principal with a most thundering reply from his antagonist, whose +courageous behaviour, though it could not intimidate, did not fail +to astonish the commodore, who ascribed it to the spirit of his +wife, which had inspired him. Trunnion that instant desired his +counsellor to prepare his cartridge-box, and order the quietest +horse in the stable to be kept ready saddled for the occasion; his +eye seemed to lighten with alacrity and pleasure at the prospect +of smelling gunpowder once more before his death; and when Jack +advised him to make his will, in case of accident, he rejected his +counsel with disdain, saying, "What! dost thou think that Hawser +Trunnion, who has stood the fire of so many floating batteries, +runs any risk from the lousy pops of a landman? Thou shalt see, +thou shalt see, how I'll make him lower his topsails." + +Next day Peregrine and the soldier provided themselves with horses +at the public-house, from whence, at the destined hour, they rode +to the field of battle, each of them being muffed in a great coat, +which, with the dimness of the light, effectually shielded them from +the knowledge of the one-eyed commander, who, having taken horse, +on pretence of enjoying the fresh air, soon appeared with Hatchway +in his rear. When they came within sight of each other, the seconds +advanced, in order to divide the ground, and regulate the measures +of the combat; when it was determined by mutual consent, that two +pistols should be discharged on each side, and that if neither +should prove decisive, recourse must be had to the broad-swords, +in order to ascertain the victory. These articles being settled, +the opponents rode forward to their respective stations, when +Peregrine, cocking his pistol, and presenting, counterfeited his +father's voice, bidding Trunnion take care of his remaining eye. + +The commodore took his advice, being unwilling to hazard his +daylight, and very deliberately opposed the patched side of his +face to the muzzle of his antagonist's piece, desiring him to do +his duty without farther jaw. The young man accordingly fired; and +the distance being small, the wad of his pistol took place with a +smart stroke on the forehead of Trunnion. Mistaking it for a ball, +which he thought lodged in his brain, spurred up his steed in a +state of desperation towards his antagonist, and holding his piece +within two yards of his body, let it off, without any regard to +the laws of battle. Surprised and enraged to see it had made no +impression, he halloed, in a terrible tone, "O! d-ye, you have your +netting stuffed, I see;" and advancing, he discharged his second +pistol so near his godson's head, that had he not been defended +by his great coat, the powder must have scorched his face. Having +thus thrown away his fire, he remained at the mercy of Peregrine, +who clapping the piece he had in reserve to his head, commanded him +to beg his life, and ask pardon for his presumption. The commodore +made no reply to this imperious injunction; but, dropping his pistol, +and unsheathing his broad-sword in an instant, attacked our hero +with such incredible agility, that if he had not made shift to ward +off the stroke with his piece, the adventure, in all likelihood, +would have turned out a very tragical joke. + +Peregrine finding it would be in vain for him to think of drawing +his weapon, or of standing on the defensive against this furious +aggressor, very fairly clapped spurs to his nag, and sought his +safety in flight. Trunnion pursued him with infinite eagerness; +and his steed being the better of the two, would have overtaken the +fugitive to his peril, had he not been unfortunately encountered +by the boughs of a tree, that happened to stand on his blind side, +and incommoded him so much, that he was fain to quit his sword, and +lay hold on the mane in order to maintain his seat. Perry perceiving +his disaster, wheeled about, and now finding leisure to produce his +weapon, returned upon his disarmed foe, brandishing his Ferrara, +threatening to make him shorter by the head if he would not +immediately crave quarter and yield. There was nothing farther from +the intention of the old gentleman than such submission, which he +flatly refused to pay, alleging that he had already compelled his +enemy to clap on all sails, and that his own present misfortune was +owing to accident; all one as if a ship should be attacked, after +she had been obliged to heave her guns overboard in a storm. + +Before Peregrine had time to answer this remonstrance, the lieutenant +interposed, and taking cognizance of the case, established a truce, +until he and the other second should discuss and decide upon the +merits of the case. They accordingly retired to a small distance; +and after having conferred a few minutes, Hatchway returned and +pronounced the commodore vanquished by the chance of war. + +Never was rage more than that which took possession of old Hannibal, +when he heard the sentence: it was some time before he could utter +aught, except the reproachful expression, "You lie!" which he repeated +more than twenty times, in a sort of delirious insensibility. When +he recovered the further use of speech, he abused the arbitrators +with such bitter invectives, renouncing their sentence, and appealing +to another trial, that the confederates began to repent of having +carried the joke so far; and Peregrine, in order to appease his +choler, owned himself overcome. + +This acknowledgment calmed the tumult of his wrath, though he could +not for some days forgive the lieutenant; and the two young gentlemen +rode back to Tunley's, while Hatchway, taking the commodore's +horse by the bridle, reconducted him to his mansion, growling all +the way to Jack for his unjust and unfriendly decree; though he +could not help observing, as how he had made his words good, in +making his adversary to strike his top-sails: "And yet," said he, +"before God! I think the fellow's head is made of a wood-pack: for +my shot rebounded from his face like a wad of spun-yarn from the +walls of a ship. But if so be that son of a b-- of a tree hadn't +come athwart my weather-bow, d'ye see, I'll be d--d if I hadn't +snapt his main-yard in the slings, and mayhap let out his bulge-water +into the bargain." He seemed particularly vain of this exploit, +which dwelt upon his imagination, and was cherished as the child +of his old age; for though he could not with decency rehearse it +to the young men and his wife at supper, he gave hints of his own +manhood, even at these years, and attested Hatchway as a voucher +for his mettle; while the triumvirate, diverted by his vanity, +enjoyed in secret the success of their imposition. + + + + + +CHAPTER XXXIII. + + + + +Peregrine takes leave of his Aunt and Sister--Sets out from the +Garrison-Parts with his Uncle and Hatchway on the Road, and with +his Governor arrives in safety at Dover. + + +This, however, was the last effort of invention which they practised +upon him; and everything being now prepared for the departure of +his godson, that hopeful youth in two days took leave of all his +friends in the neighbourhood. He was closeted two whole hours with +his aunt, who enriched him with many pious advices, recapitulated +all the benefits which, through her means, had been conferred upon +him since his infancy, cautioned him against the temptations of +lewd women, who bring many a man to a morsel of bread, laid strict +injunctions upon him to live in the fear of the Lord and the true +Protestant faith, to eschew quarrels and contention, to treat Mr. +Jolter with reverence and regard, and above all things to abstain +from the beastly sin of drunkenness, which exposes a man to the +scorn and contempt of his fellow-creatures, and, by divesting him +of reason and reflection, renders him fit for all manner of vice +and debauchery. She recommended to him economy, and the care of his +health, bade him remember the honour of his family, and in all the +circumstances of his behaviour, assured him that he might always +depend upon the friendship and generosity of the commodore. Finally, +presenting him with her own picture set in gold, and a hundred +guineas from her privy purse, she embraced him affectionately, and +wished him all manner of happiness and prosperity. + +Being thus kindly dismissed by Mrs. Trunnion, he locked himself +up with his sister Julia, whom he admonished to cultivate her aunt +with the most complaisant and respectful attention, without stooping +to any circumstance of submission that she should judge unworthy of +her practice: he protested that his chief study should be to make +her amends for the privilege she had forfeited by her affection +for him; entreated her to enter into no engagement without his +knowledge and approbation; put into her hand the purse, which he +had received from his aunt, to defray her pocket expenses in his +absence; and parted from her, not without tears, after she had for +some minutes hung about his neck, kissing him, and weeping in the +most pathetic silence. + +Having performed these duties of affection and consanguinity +over-night, he went to bed, and was, by his own direction. called +at four o'clock in the morning, when he found the post-chaise, +coach, and riding-horses ready at the gate, his friends Gauntlet +and Hatchway on foot, the commodore himself almost dressed, and +every servant in the garrison assembled in he yard to wish him a +good journey. Our hero shook each of these humble friends by the +hand, tipping them at the same time with marks of his bounty; and +was very much surprised when he could not perceive his old attendant +Pipes among the number. When he expressed his wonder at this +disrespectful omission of Tom, some of those present ran to his +chamber, in order to give him a call; but his hammock and room +were both deserted, and they soon returned with an account of his +having eloped. Peregrine was disturbed at this information, believing +that the fellow had taken some desperate course, in consequence of +his being dismissed from his service, and began to wish that he had +indulged his inclination, by retaining him still about his person. +However, as there was now no other remedy, he recommended him +strenuously to the particular favour and distinction of his uncle +and Hatchway, in case he should appear again; and as he went out +of the gate, was saluted with three cheers by all the domestics in +the family. + +The commodore, Gauntlet, lieutenant, Peregrine, and Jolter went into +the coach together, that they might enjoy each other's conversation +as much as possible, resolving to breakfast at an inn upon the +road, where Trunnion and Hatchway intended to bid our adventurer +farewell; the Valet-de-chambre got into the post-chaise; the French +lacquey rode one horse, and led another; one of the valets of the +garrison mounted at the back of the coach; and thus the cavalcade +set out on the road to Dover. + +As the commodore could not bear the fatigue of jolting, they +travelled at an easy pace during the fist stage; so that the old +gentleman had an opportunity of communicating his exhortations to +his godson, with regard to his conduct abroad: he advised him, now +that he was going into foreign parts, to be upon his guard against +the fair weather of the French politesse, which was no more to be +trusted than a whirlpool at sea. He observed that many young men +had gone to Paris with good cargoes of sense, and returned with a +great deal of canvas, and no ballast at all, whereby they became +crank all the days of their lives, and sometimes carried their +keels above water. He desired Mr. Jolter to keep his pupil out of +the clutches of those sharking priests who lie in wait to make converts +of all young strangers, and in a particular manner cautioned the +youth against carnal conversation with the Parisian dames, who, he +understood, were no better than gaudy fire-ships ready primed with +death and destruction. + +Peregrine listened with great respect, thanking him for his kind +admonitions, which he faithfully promised to observe. The halted +and breakfasted at the end of the stage, where Jolter provided +himself with a horse, and the commodore settled the method of +corresponding with his nephew. The minute of parting being arrived, +the old commander wrung his godson by the hand, saying, "I wish +thee a prosperous voyage and good cheer, my lad: my timbers are +now a little crazy, d'ye see; and God knows if I shall keep afloat +till such time as I see thee again; but howsomever, hap what will, +thou wilt find thyself in a condition to keep in the line with +the rest of thy fellows." He then reminded Gauntlet of his promise +to call at the garrison in his return from Dover, and imparted +something in a whisper to the governor, while Jack Hatchway, unable +to speak, pulled his hat over his eyes, and, squeezing Peregrine by +the hand, gave him a pistol of curious workmanship, as a memorial +of his friendship. Our youth, who was not unmoved on this occasion, +received the pledge, which he acknowledged with the present of a +tobacco-box bought for this purpose; and the two lads of the castle +getting into the coach, were driven homewards, in a state of silent +dejection. + +Godfrey and Peregrine seated themselves in the post-chaise; and +Jolter, the valet-de-chambre, and lacquey, bestriding their beasts, +they proceeded for the place of their destination, at which they +arrived in safety that same night, and bespoke a passage in the +packet-boat which was to sail next day. + + + + + +CHAPTER XXXIV. + + + + +He adjusts the Method of his Correspondence with Gauntlet; meets +by accident with an Italian Charlatan, and a certain Apothecary, +who proves to be a noted Character. + + +There the two friends adjusted the articles of a future correspondence; +and Peregrine, having written a letter to his mistress, wherein he +renewed his former vows of eternal fidelity, it was intrusted to +the care of her brother, while Mr. Jolter, at the desire of his +pupil, provided an elegant supper, and some excellent Burgundy, +that they might spend this eve of his departure with the greater +enjoyment. + +Things being thus disposed, and a servant employed in laying the +cloth, their ears were of a sudden invaded by a strange tumultuous +noise in the next room, occasioned by the overthrow of tables, +chairs, and glasses, with odd unintelligible exclamations in broken +French, and a jargon of threats in the Welsh dialect. Our young +gentlemen ran immediately into the apartment from whence this +clamour seemed to proceed, and found a thin, meagre, swarthy figure, +gasping, in all the agony of fear, under the hands of a squat, thick, +hard-featured man, who collared him with great demonstrations of +wrath, saying, "If you was as mighty a magician as Owen Glendower +or the witch of Entor, look you, ay, ay, or as Paul Beor himself, +I will meke pold, by the assistance of Got, and in his majesty's +name, to seize and secure, and confine and confront you, until such +time as you suffer and endure and undergo the pains and penalties +of the law, for your diabolical practices. Shentlements," added he, +turning to our adventurers, "I take you to witness, that I protest, +and assert, and avow, that this person is as pig a necromancer +as you would desire to behold; and I supplicate, and beseech, and +entreat of you, that he may be prought pefore his petters, and +compelled to give an account of his compact and commerce with the +imps of darkness, look you; for, as I am a Christian soul, and +hope for joyful resurrection, I have this plessed evening seen +him perform such things as could not be done without the aid and +instruction and connivance of the tevil." + +Gauntlet seemed to enter into the sentiments of this Welsh reformer, +and actually laid hold on the delinquent's shoulder, crying, "D--n +the rascal! I'll lay any wager that he's a Jesuit; for none of his +order travel without a familiar." But Peregrine, who looked upon +the affair in another point of view, interposed in behalf of the +stranger, whom he freed from his aggressors, observing, that there +was no occasion to use violence; and asked, in French, what he +had done to incur the censure of the informer. The poor foreigner, +more dead than alive, answered that he was an Italian charlatan, +who had practised with some reputation in Padua, until he had the +misfortune to attract the notice of the Inquisition, by exhibiting +certain wonderful performances by his skill in natural knowledge, +which that tribunal considered as the effects of sorcery, and +persecuted him accordingly; so that he had been fain to make a +precipitate retreat into France, where not finding his account in +his talents, he was now arrived in England, with a view of practising +his art in London; and that, in consequence of a specimen which he +had given to a company below, the choleric gentleman had followed +him up-stairs to his own apartment, and assaulted him in that +inhospitable manner: he therefore earnestly begged that our hero +would take him under his protection; and, if he entertained the least +suspicion of his employing preternatural means in the operations +of his art, he would freely communicate all the secrets in his +possession. + +The youth dispelled his apprehension by assuring him that he was +in no danger of suffering for his art in England, where, if ever +he should he questioned by the zeal of superstitious individuals, +he had nothing to do but appeal to the justice of the peace, who +would immediately acquit him of the charge, and punish his accusers +for their impertinence and indiscretion. + +He then told Gauntlet and the Welshman that the stranger had +a good action against them for an assault, by virtue of an Act of +Parliament, which makes it criminal for any person to accuse another +of sorcery and witchcraft, these idle notions being now justly +exploded by all sensible men. Mr. Jolter, who had by this time +joined the company, could not help signifying his dissent from +this opinion of his pupil, which he endeavoured to invalidate by +the authority of Scripture, quotations from the Fathers, and the +confession of many wretches who suffered death for having carried +on correspondence with evil spirits together with the evidence of +"Satan's Invisible World," and Moreton's "History of Witchcraft." + +The soldier corroborated these testimonies by facts that had +happened within the sphere of his own knowledge, and in particular +mentioned the case of an old woman of the parish in which he +was born, who used to transform herself into the shapes of sundry +animals, and was at last killed by small shot in the character of +a hare. The Welshman, thus supported, expressed his surprise at +hearing that the legislature had shown such tenderness for criminals +of so dark a hue, and offered to prove, by undeniable instances, +that there was not a mountain in Wales which had not been, in his +memory, the scene of necromancy and witchcraft. "Wherefore," said +he, "I am assuredly more than above astonished and confounded and +concerned that the Parliament of Great Britain should, in their +great wisdoms, and their prudence, and their penetration, give +countenance and encouragement, look you, to the works of darkness +and the empire of Pelzepup--ofer and apove the evidence of holy +writ, and those writers who have been quoted by that aggurate and +learned shentleman, we are informed, by profane history, of the +pribbles and pranks of the old serpent, in the bortents and oragles +of antiquity, as you will find in that most excellent historian +Bolypius, and Titus Lifius; ay, and moreofer, in the Commentaries +of Julius Caesar himself, who, as the ole world knows, was a most +famous, and a most faliant, and a most wise, and a most prudent, +and a most fortunate chieftain, and a most renowned orator; ay, +and a most elegant writer to boot." + +Peregrine did not think proper to enter the lists of dispute +with three such obstinate antagonists, but contented himself with +saying that he believed it would be no difficult matter to impugn +the arguments they had advanced; though he did not find himself at +all disposed to undertake the task, which must of course break in +upon the evening's entertainment. He therefore invited the Italian +to supper, and asked the same favour of his accuser, who seemed +to have something curious and characteristic in his manner and +disposition, resolving to make himself an eye-witness of those +surprising feats which had given offence to the choleric Briton. +This scrupulous gentleman thanked our hero for his courtesy, but +declined communicating with the stranger until his character should +be further explained; upon which his inviter, after some conversation +with the charlatan, assured him that he would himself undertake for +the innocence of his art; and then he was prevailed upon to favour +them with his company. + +In the course of the conversation, Peregrine learned that the +Welshman was a surgeon of Canterbury, who had been called in to a +consultation at Dover; and, understanding that his name was Morgan, +took the liberty of asking if he was not the person so respectfully +mentioned in the "Adventures of Roderick Random." Mr. Morgan +assumed a look of gravity and importance at this interrogation, +and, screwing up his mouth, answered, "Mr. Rantum, my good sir, I +believe, upon my conscience and salfation, is my very goot frient +and well-wisher; and he and I have been companions and messmates +and fellow-sufferers, look you; but nevertheless, for all that, +peradventure he hath not pehaved with so much complaisance and +affability and respect as I might have expected from him; pecause +he hath revealed and tivulged and buplished our private affairs, +without my knowledge and privity and consent; but as Got is my +Safiour, I think he had no evil intention in his pelly; and though +there be certain persons, look you, who, as I am told, take upon +them to laugh at his descriptions of my person, deportment, and +conversation, I do affirm and maintain, and insist with my heart, +and my plood, and my soul, that those persons are no petter than +ignorant asses, and that they know not how to discern and distinguish +and define true ridicule, or, as Aristotle calls it, the to Geloion, +no more, look you, than a herd of mountain goats; for I will make +pold to observe--and I hope this goot company will be of the same +opinion--that there is nothing said of me in that performance which +is unworthy of a Christian and a shentleman." + +Our young gentleman and his friends acquiesced in the justness +of his observation. Peregrine particularly assured him that, from +reading the book, he had conceived the utmost regard and veneration +for his character, and that he thought himself extremely fortunate +in having this opportunity of enjoying his conversation. Morgan, +not a little proud of such advances from a person of Peregrine's +appearance, returned the compliment with a profusion of civility, +and, in the warmth of acknowledgment, expressed a desire of seeing +him and his company at his house in Canterbury. "I will not pretend, +or presume, kind sir," said he, "to entertain you according to your +merits and deserts; but you shall be as welcome to my poor cottage, +and my wife and family, as the prince of Wales himself; and it +shall go hard if, one way or other, I do not find ways and means +of making you confess that there is some goot fellowship in an +ancient Priton; for though I am no petter than a simple apothecary, +I have as goot plood circulating in my veins as any he in the county; +and I can describe and delineate and demonstrate my pedigree to +the satisfaction of the 'ole 'orld; and, moreofer, by Got's goot +providence and assistance, I can afford to treat my friend with +joint of good mutton and a pottle of excellent wine, and no tradesman +can peard me with a bill." + +He was congratulated on his happy situation, and assured that +our youth would visit him on his return from France, provided he +should take Canterbury in his route. As Peregrine manifested an +inclination of being acquainted with the state of his affairs, he +very complaisantly satisfied his curiosity by giving him to know +that his spouse had left off breeding, after having blessed him with +two boys and a girl, who were still alive and well; that he lived +in good esteem with his neighbors; and by his practice, which was +considerably extended immediately after the publication of Roderick +Random, had saved some thousand pounds. He had begun to think +of retiring among his own relations in Glamorganshire, though his +wife had made objection to this proposal, and opposed the execution +of it with such obstinacy, that he had been at infinite pains in +asserting his own prerogative by convincing her, both from reason +and example, that he was king, and priest in his own family, and +that she owed the most implicit submission to his will. He likewise +informed the company that he had lately seen his friend Roderick, +who had come from London on purpose to visit him, after having gained +his lawsuit with Mr. Topeball, who was obliged to pay Narcissa's +fortune; that Mr. Random, in all appearance, led a very happy life +in the conversation of his father and bed-fellow, by whom he enjoyed +a son and daughter; and that Morgan had received, in a present from +him, a piece of very fine linen of his wife's own making, several +kits of salmon, and two casks of pickled pork--the most delicate +he had ever tasted; together with a barrel of excellent herrings +for salmagundy, which he knew to be his favourite dish. + +This topic of conversation being discussed, the Italian was desired +to exhibit a specimen of his art, and in a few minutes he conducted +the company into the next room, where, to their great astonishment +and affright, they beheld a thousand serpents winding along the +ceiling. Morgan, struck with this phenomenon, which he had not seen +before, began to utter exorcisms with great devotion, Mr. Jolter +ran of the room, Gauntlet drew his hanger, and Peregrine himself +was disconcerted. The operator, perceiving their confusion, desired +them to retire, and, calling them back in an instant, there was +not a viper to be seen. He raised their admiration by sundry other +performances and the Welshman's former opinion and abhorrence of +his character began to recur, when, in consideration of the civility +with which he had been treated, this Italian imparted to them all +the methods by which he had acted such wonders, that were no other +than the effects of natural causes curiously combined; so that Morgan +became a convert to his skill, asked pardon for the suspicion he +had entertained, and invited the stranger to pass a few days with +him at Canterbury. The scruples of Godfrey and Jolter were removed +at the same time, and Peregrine testified his satisfaction by a +handsome gratuity which he bestowed upon their entertainer. + +The evening being spent in this sociable manner, every man retired +to his respective chamber, and next morning they breakfasted +together, when Morgan declared he would stay till he should see +our hero fairly embarked, that he might have the pleasure of Mr. +Gauntlet's company to his own habitation: meanwhile, by the skipper's +advice, the servants were ordered to carry a store of wine and +provision on board, in case of accident; and, as the packet-boat +could not sail before one o'clock, the company walked up hill to +visit the castle, where they saw the sword of Julius Caesar, and +Queen Elizabeth's pocket pistol; repeated Shakespeare's description, +while they surveyed the chalky cliffs on each side, and cast their +eyes towards the city of Calais, that was obscured by a thick cloud +which did not much regale their eye-sight, because it seemed to +portend foul weather. + +Having viewed everything remarkable in this place, they returned +to the pier, where, after the compliments of parting, and an +affectionate embrace between the two young gentlemen, Peregrine +and his governor stepped aboard, the sails were hoisted, and they +went to sea with a fair wind, while Godfrey, Morgan, and the conjurer +walked back to the inn, from whence they set out for Canterbury +before dinner. + + + + + +CHAPTER XXXV. + + + + +He embarks for France--Is overtaken by a Storm--Is surprised with +the Appearance of Pipes--Lands at Calais, and has an Affray with +the Officers at the Custom-house. + + +Scarce had the vessel proceeded two leagues on the passage, when, +the wind shifting, blew directly in her teeth; so that they were +obliged to haul upon a wind, and alter their course. The sea running +pretty high at the same time, our hero, who was below in his cabin, +began to be squeamish, and, in consequence of the skipper's advice, +went upon deck for the comfort of his stomach; while the governor, +experienced in these disasters, slipped into bed, where he +lay at his ease, amusing himself with a treatise on the cycloid, +with algebraical demonstrations, which never failed to engage his +imagination in the most agreeable manner. + +In the mean time the wind increased to a very hard gale, the +vessel pitched with great violence, the sea washed over the deck, +the master was alarmed, the crew were confounded, the passengers +were overwhelmed with sickness and fear, and universal distraction +ensued. In the midst of this uproar, Peregrine holding fast by +the taffrail, and looking ruefully ahead, the countenance of Pipes +presented itself to his astonished view, rising, as it were, from +the hold of the ship. At first he imagined it was a fear-formed +shadow of his own brain; though he did not long remain in this +error, but plainly perceived that it was no other than the real +person of Thomas, who, jumping on the quarter-deck, took charge of +the helm, and dictated to the sailors with as much authority as if +he had been commander of the ship. The skipper looked upon him as +an angel sent to his assistance; and the crew soon discovered him +to be a thoroughbred seaman, notwithstanding his livery-frock; +obeyed his orders with such alacrity, that, in a little time, the +confusion vanished; and every necessary step was taken to weather +the gale. + +Our young gentleman immediately conceived the meaning of Tom's +appearance on board; and when the tumult was a little subsided, +went up, and encouraged him to exert himself for the preservation +of the ship, promising to take him again into his service, from +which he should never be dismissed, except at his own desire. This +assurance had a surprising effect upon Pipes, who, though he made +no manner of reply, thrust the helm into the master's hands, saying, +"Here, you old bumboat-woman, take hold of the tiller, and keep +her thus, boy, thus;" and skipped about the vessel, trimming the +sails, and managing the ropes with such agility and skill, that +everybody on deck stood amazed at his dexterity. + +Mr. Jolter was far from being unconcerned at the uncommon motion +of the vessel, the singing of the wind, and the uproar which he +heard about him: he looked towards the cabin-door with the most +fearful expectation, in hope of seeing some person who could give +some account of the weather, and what was doing upon deck; but not +a soul appeared, and he was too well acquainted with the disposition +of his own bowels to make the least alteration in his attitude. +When he bad lain a good while in all the agony of suspense, the +boy tumbled headlong into his apartment, with such noise, that he +believed the mast had gone by the board; and starting upright in +his bed, asked, with all the symptoms of horror, what was the cause +of that disturbance? The boy, half-stunned by his fall, answered +in a dolorous tone, "I'm come to put up the dead-lights." At the +mention of dead-lights, the meaning of which he did not understand, +the poor governor's heart died within him: he shivered with despair, +his recollection forsaking him, he fell upon his knees in the bed, +and, fixing his eyes upon the book which was in his hand, began +to pronounce aloud with great fervour, "The time of a complete +oscillation in the cycloid, is to the time in which a body would +fall through the axis of the cycloid DV, as the circumference of +a circle to its diameter." + +He would in all likelihood have proceeded with the demonstration +of this proposition, had he not been seized with such a qualm +as compelled him to drop the book, and accommodate himself to the +emergency of his distemper: he therefore stretched himself at full +length, and, putting up ejaculations to Heaven, began to prepare +himself for his latter end, when all of a sudden the noise above +was intermitted; and as he could not conceive the cause of this +tremendous silence, he imagined that either the men were washed +overboard, or that, despairing of safety, they had ceased to oppose +the tempest. While he was harrowed by this miserable uncertainty, +which, however, was not altogether unenlightened by some scattered +rays of hope, the master entered the cabin: then he asked, with a +voice half-extinguished by fear, how matters went upon deck; and +the skipper, with a large bottle of brandy applied to his mouth, +answered, in a hollow tone, "All's over now, master." Upon which, +Mr. Jolter, giving himself over for lost, exclaimed, with the utmost +horror, "Lord have mercy upon us! Christ have mercy upon us;" and +repeated this supplication, as it were mechanically, until the master +undeceived him by explaining the meaning of what he had said, and +assuring him that the squall was over. + +Such a sudden transition from fear to joy occasioned a violent +agitation both in his mind and body; and it was a full quarter of +an hour, before he recovered the right use of his organs, By this +time the weather cleared up, the wind began to blow again from the +right corner, and the spires of Calais appeared at the distance of +five leagues; so that the countenances of all on board were lighted +up with joyous expectation and Peregrine, venturing to go down into +the cabin, comforted his governor with an account of the happy turn +of their affairs. + +Jolter, transported with the thought of a speedy landing, began to +launch out in praise of that country for which they were bound. he +observed, that France was the land of politeness and hospitality, +which were conspicuous in the behaviour of all ranks and degrees, +from the peer to the peasant; that a gentleman and a foreigner, far +from being insulted and imposed upon by the lower class of people, +as in England, was treated with the utmost reverence, candour, and +respect; and their fields were fertile, their climate pure healthy, +their farmers rich and industrious, the subjects in general the +happiest of men. He would have prosecuted this favourite theme +still farther, had not his pupil been obliged to run upon deck, in +consequence of certain warnings he received from his stomach. + +The skipper seeing his condition, very honestly reminded him of the +cold ham and fowls, with a basket of wine which he had ordered to +be sent on board, and asked if he would have the cloth laid below. +He could not have chosen a more seasonable opportunity of manifesting +his own disinterestedness. Peregrine made wry faces at the mention +of food, bidding him, for Heaven's sake, talk no more on that +subject. He then descended into the cabin, and put the same question +to Mr. Jolter, who, he knew, entertained the same abhorrence for his +proposal; and meeting with the like reception from him, went between +decks, and repeated his courteous proffer to the valet-de-chambre +and lacquey, who lay sprawling in all the pangs of a double evacuation, +and rejected his civility with the most horrible loathing. Thus +baffled in all his kind endeavours, he ordered the boy to secure +the provision in one of his own lockers, according to the custom +of the ship. + +It being low water when they arrived on the French coast, the +vessel could not enter the harbour, and they were obliged to bring +to, and wait for a boat, which in less than half-an-hour came +alongside from the shore. Mr. Jolter now came upon deck, and, +snuffing up the French air with symptoms of infinite satisfaction, +asked of the boatmen, with the friendly appellation of Mes enfants, +what they demanded for transporting him and his pupil with their +baggage to the pier. But how was he disconcerted, when those polite, +candid, reasonable watermen demanded a louis d'or for that service! +Peregrine, with a sarcastic sneer, observed, that he already began +to perceive the justice of his encomiums on the French; and the +disappointed governor could say nothing in his own vindication, but +that they were debauched by their intercourse with the inhabitants +of Dover. His pupil, however, was so much offended at their extortion, +that he absolutely refused to employ them, even when they abated +one half in their demand, and swore he would stay on board till the +packet should be able to enter the harbour, rather than encourage +such imposition. + +The master, who in all probability had some sort of fellow-feeling +with the boatmen, in vain represented that he could not with safety +lie-to or anchor upon a lee-shore: our hero, having consulted Pipes, +answered, that he had hired his vessel to transport him to Calais, +and that he would oblige him to perform what he had undertaken. +The skipper, very much mortified at this peremptory reply, which +was not over and above agreeable to Mr. Jolter, dismissed the boat, +notwithstanding the solicitations and condescension of the watermen. +Running a little farther in shore, they came to an anchor, and waited +till there was water enough to float them over the bar. Then they +stood into the harbour; and our gentleman, with his attendants and +baggage, were landed on the pier by the sailors, whom he liberally +rewarded for their trouble. + +He was immediately plied by a great number of porters, who, like +so many hungry wolves, laid hold on his baggage, and began to carry +it off piecemeal, without his order or direction. Incensed at this +officious insolence, he commanded them to desist, with many oaths +and opprobrious terms that his anger suggested; and perceiving, +that one of them did not seem to pay any regard to what he said, +but marched off with his burthen, he snatched a cudgel out of his +lacquey's hand, and overtaking the fellow in a twinkling, brought +him to the ground with one blow. He was instantly surrounded by +the whole congregation of this canaille, who resented the injury +which their brother had sustained, and would have taken immediate +satisfaction on the aggressor, had not Pipes, seeing his master +involved, brought the whole crew to his assistance, and exerted +himself so manfully that the enemy were obliged to retreat with +many marks of defeat, and menaces of interesting the commandant in +their quarrel. Jolter, who knew and dreaded the power of the French +governor, began to shake with apprehension, when he heard their +repeated threats, but they durst not apply to this magistrate, who, +upon a fair representation of the case, would have punished them +severely for their rapacious and insolent behaviour. Peregrine, +without further molestation, availed himself of his own attendants, +who shouldered his baggage and followed him to the gate, where they +were stopped by the sentinels until their names should be registered. + +Mr. Jolter, who had undergone this examination before, resolved to +profit by his experience, and cunningly represented his pupil as +a young English lord. This intimation, supported by the appearance +of his equipage, was no sooner communicated to the officer, than he +turned out the guard, and ordered his soldiers to rest upon their +arms, while his lordship passed in great state to the Lion d'Argent, +where he took up his lodging for the night, resolving to set out +for Paris next morning in a post-chaise. + +The governor triumphed greatly in this piece of complaisance and +respect with which they had been honoured, and resumed his beloved +topic of discourse, in applauding the method and subordination of +the French government, which was better calculated for maintaining +order and protecting the people, than any constitution upon earth. +Of their courteous attention to strangers, there needed no other +proof than the compliment which had been paid to them, together with +the governor's connivance at Peregrine's employing his own servants +in carrying the baggage to the inn, contrary to the privilege of +the inhabitants. + +While he expatiated with a remarkable degree of self-indulgence on +this subject, the valet-de-chambre coming into the room interrupted +his harangue by telling his master that their trunks and portmanteaus +must be carried to the custom-house, in order to be searched, and +sealed with lead, which must remain untouched until their arrival +at Paris. + +Peregrine made no objection to this practice, which was in itself +reasonable enough; but when he understood that the gate was +besieged by another multitude of porters, who insisted upon their +right of carrying the goods, and also of fixing their own price, he +absolutely refused to comply with their demand. Nay, he chastised +some of the most clamorous among them with his foot, and told them, +that if their custom-house officers had a mind to examine his baggage, +they might come to the inn for that purpose. The valet-de-chambre +was abashed at this boldness of his master's behaviour, which the +lacquey, shrugging up his shoulders, observed, was bien a l'Anglaise; +while the governor represented it as an indignity to the whole +nation, and endeavoured to persuade his pupil to comply with the +custom of the place. But Peregrine's natural haughtiness of disposition +hindered him from giving ear to Jolter's wholesome advice; and in +less than half-an-hour they observed a file of musketeers marching +up to the gate. At sight of this detachment the tutor trembled, +the valet grew pale, and the lacquey crossed himself; but our hero, +without exhibiting any other symptoms than those of indignation, +met them on the threshold, and with a ferocious air demanded their +business. The corporal who commanded the file answered, with great +deliberation, that he had orders to convey his baggage to the +custom-house; and seeing the trunks standing in the entry, placed +his men between them and the owner, while the porters that followed +took them up, and proceeded to the douane without opposition. + +Pickle was not mad enough to dispute the authority of this message; +but in order to gall and specify his contempt for those who brought +it, he called aloud to his valet, desiring him, in French, to +accompany his things, and see that none of his linen and effects +should be stolen by the searchers. The corporal, mortified at this +satirical insinuation, darted a look of resentment at the author, +as if he had been interested for the glory of his nation; and told +him that he could perceive he was a stranger in France, or else he +would have saved himself the trouble of such a needless precaution. + + + + + +CHAPTER XXXVI. + + + + +He makes a fruitless Attempt in Gallantry--Departs for Boulogne, +where he spends the evening with certain English Exiles. + + +Having thus yielded to the hand of power, he inquired if there was +any other English company in the house; when, understanding that +a gentleman and lady lodged in the next apartment, and had bespoke +a post-chaise for Paris, he ordered Pipes to ingratiate himself with +their footman, and, if possible, learn their names and condition, +while he and Mr. Jolter, attended by the lacquey, took a turn round +the ramparts, and viewed the particulars of the fortification. + +Tom was so very successful in his inquiry, that when his master +returned he was able to give him a very satisfactory account of his +fellow-lodgers, in consequence of having treated his brother with +a bottle of wine. The people in question were a gentleman and his +lady lately arrived from England, in their way to Paris. The husband +was a man of good fortune, who had been a libertine in his youth, +and a professed declaimer against matrimony. He wanted neither sense +nor experience, and piqued himself in particular upon his art of +avoiding the snares of the female sex, in which he pretended to be +deeply versed; but, notwithstanding all his caution and skill, he +had lately fallen a sacrifice to the attractions of an oyster-wench, +who had found means to decoy him into the bands of wedlock; and, in +order to evade the compliments and congratulations of his friends +and acquaintance, he had come so far on a tour to Paris, where +he intended to initiate his spouse in the beau monde. In the mean +time, he chose to live upon the reserve, because her natural talents +had as yet received but little cultivation; and he had not the most +implicit confidence in her virtue and discretion, which, it seems, +had like to have yielded to the addresses of an officer at Canterbury, +who had made shift to insinuate himself into her acquaintance and +favour. + +Peregrine's curiosity being inflamed by this information, he lounged +about the yard, in hopes of seeing the dulcinea who had captivated +the old bachelor; and at length observing her at a window, took +the liberty of bowing to her with great respect. She returned the +compliment with a curtsy, and appeared so decent in her dress and +manner, that unless he had been previously informed of her former +life and conversation, he never would have dreamt that her education +was different from that of other ladies of fashion; so easy is it +to acquire that external deportment on which people of condition +value themselves so much. Not but that Mr. Pickle pretended to +distinguish a certain vulgar audacity in her countenance, which +in a lady of birth and fortune would have passed for an agreeable +vivacity that enlivens the aspect, and gives poignancy to every +feature; but as she possessed a pair of fine eyes, and a clear +complexion overspread with a glow of health, which never fails +of recommending the owner, he could not help gazing at her with +desire, and forming the design of making a conquest of her heart. +With this view, he sent his compliments to her husband whose name +was Hornbeck, with an intimation that he proposed to set out the +next day for Paris, and as he understood that he was resolved upon +the same journey, he should be extremely glad of his company on the +road, if he was not better engaged. Hornbeck, who in all probability +did not choose to accommodate his wife with a squire of our hero's +appearance, sent a civil answer to his message, professing infinite +mortification at his being unable to embrace the favour of this +kind offer, by reason of the indisposition of his wife, who, he +was afraid, would not be in a condition for some days to bear the +fatigue of travelling. + +This rebuff, which Peregrine ascribed to the husband's jealousy, +stifled his project in embryo: he ordered his French servant to +take a place for himself in the diligence, where all his luggage was +stowed, except a small trunk, with some linen and other necessaries, +that was fixed upon the post-chaise which they hired of the +landlord; and early next morning he and Mr. Jolter departed from +Calais, attended by his valet-de-chambre and Pipes on horseback. +They proceeded without any accident as far as Boulogne, where they +breakfasted, and visited old Father Graham, a Scottish gentleman +of the governor's acquaintance, who had lived as a Capuchin in that +place for the space of threescore years, and during that period +conformed to all the austerities of the order with the most +rigorous exactness, being equally remarkable for the frankness of +his conversation, the humanity of his disposition, and the simplicity +of his manners. From Boulogne they took their departure about noon; +and as they proposed to sleep that night at Abbeville, commanded +the postilion to drive with extra ordinary speed. Perhaps it was +well for his cattle that the axletree gave way and the chaise of +course overturned, before they had travelled one-third part of the +stage. + +This accident compelled them to return to the place from whence +they had set out; and as they could not procure another conveyance, +they found themselves under the necessity of staying till their +chaise could be refitted. Understanding that this operation would +detain them a whole day, our young gentleman had recourse to his +patience, and demanded to know what they could have for dinner; +the garcon or waiter, thus questioned, vanished in a moment, and +immediately they were surprised with the appearance of a strange +figure, which, from the extravagance of its dress and gesticulation, +Peregrine mistook for a madman of the growth of France. This phantom +(which, by the bye, happened to be no other than the cook) was a +tall, long-legged, meagre, swarthy fellow, that stooped very much; +his cheek-bones were remarkably raised, his nose bent into the +shape and size of a powder-horn, and the sockets of his eyes as raw +round the edges as if the skin had been pared off. On his head he +wore a handkerchief, which had once been white, and now served to +cover the upper part of a black periwig, to which was attached a +bag at least a foot square, with a solitaire and rose that stuck +upon each side of his ear; so that he looked like a criminal on +the pillory. His back was accommodated with a linen waistcoat, his +hands adorned with long ruffles of the same piece, his middle was +girded by an apron, tucked up, that it might not conceal his white +silk stockings, rolled; and at his entrance he brandished a bloody +weapon full three feet in length. + +Peregrine, when he first saw him approach in this menacing attitude, +put himself upon his guard; but being informed of his quality, +perused his bill of fare, and having bespoken three or four things +for dinner, walked out with Mr. Jolter to view both towns, which +they had not leisure to consider minutely before. In their return +from the harbour they met with four or five gentlemen, all of whom +seemed to look with an air of dejection, and perceiving our hero +and his governor to be English by their dress, bowed with great +respect as they passed. Pickle, who was naturally compassionate, +felt an emotion of sympathy; and seeing a person, who by his habit +he judged to be one of their servants, accosted him in English, and +asked who the gentlemen were. The lacquey gave him to understand +that they were his own countrymen, called from their native homes +in consequence of their adherence to an unfortunate and ruined cause; +and that they were gone to the sea-side, according to their daily +practice, in order to indulge their longing eyes with a prospect +of the white cliffs of Albion, which they must never more approach. + +Though our young gentleman differed widely from them in point +of political principles, he was not one of those enthusiasts who +look upon every schism from the established articles of faith as +damnable, and exclude the sceptic from every benefit of humanity +and Christian forgiveness: he could easily comprehend how a man of +the most unblemished morals might, by the prejudice of education, +or indispensable attachments, be engaged in such a blameworthy and +pernicious undertaking; and thought that they had already suffered +severely for their imprudence. He was affected with the account of +their diurnal pilgrimage to the sea-side, which he considered as +a pathetic proof of their affliction, and invested Mr. Jolter with +the agreeable office of going to them with a compliment in his +name, and begging the honour of drinking a glass with them in the +evening. They accepted the proposal with great satisfaction and +respectful acknowledgment, and in the afternoon waited upon the +kind inviter, who treated them with coffee, and would have detained +them to supper, but they entreated the favour of his company at the +house which they frequented so earnestly, that he yielded to their +solicitations, and, with his governor, was conducted by them to +the place, where they had provided an elegant repast, and regaled +them with some of the best claret in France. + +It was easy for them to perceive that their principal guest was no +favourer of their state maxims, and therefore they industriously +avoided every subject of conversation which could give the least +offence: not but they lamented their own situation, which cut them +off from all their dearest connections, and doomed them to perpetual +banishment from their families and friends: but they did not, even +by the most distant hint, impeach the justice of that sentence +by which they were condemned; although one among them, who seemed +to be about the age of thirty, wept bitterly over his misfortune, +which had involved a beloved wife and three children in misery and +distress; and, in the impatience of his grief, cursed his own fate +with frantic imprecations. His companions, with a view of beguiling +his sorrow, and manifesting their own hospitality at the same +time, changed the topic of discourse, and circulated the bumpers +with great assiduity; so that all their cares were overwhelmed and +forgotten, several French drinking catches were sung, and mirth +and good-fellowship prevailed. + +In the midst of this elevation, which commonly unlocks the most +hidden sentiment, and dispels every consideration of caution and +constraint, one of the entertainers, being more intoxicated than his +fellows, proposed a toast, to which Peregrine, with some warmth, +excepted as an unmannerly insult. The other maintained his +proposition with indecent heat; and the dispute beginning to grow +very serious, the company interposed, and gave judgment against their +friend, who was so keenly reproached and rebuked for his impolite +behaviour, that he retired in high dudgeon, threatening to relinquish +their society, and branding them with the appellation apostates from +the common cause. Mortified at the behaviour of their companion, +those that remained were earnest in their apologies to their guests, +whom they besought to forgive his intemperance, assuring them with +great confidence that he would, upon the recovery of his reflection, +wait upon them in person, and ask pardon for the umbrage he had +given. Pickle was satisfied with their remonstrances, resumed his +good humour, and the night being pretty far advanced resisted all +their importunities with which he was entreated to see another +bottle go round, and was escorted to his own lodgings more than +half-seas over. Next morning, about eight o'clock, he was waked by +his valet-de-chambre, who told him that two of the gentlemen with +whom he had spent the evening were in the house, and desired the +favour of being admitted into his chamber. He could not conceive +the meaning of this extraordinary visit; and, ordering his man +to show them enter into his apartment, beheld the person who had +affronted him enter with the gentleman who had reprehended his +rudeness. + +He who had given the offence, after having made an apology for +disturbing Mr. Pickle, told him that his friend there present had +been with him early that morning, and proposed the alternative of +either fighting with him immediately, or coming to beg pardon for +his unmannerly deportment over-night: that though he had courage +enough to face any man in the field in a righteous cause, he +was not so brutal as to disobey the dictates of his own duty and +reflection, in consequence of which, and not out of any regard to +the other's menaces, which he despised, he had now taken the liberty +of interrupting his repose, that he might, as soon as possible, +atone for the injury he had done him, which he protested was the +effect of intoxication alone, and begged his forgiveness accordingly. +Our hero accepted of this acknowledgment very graciously; thanked +the other gentleman for the gallant part he had acted in his behalf; +and perceiving that his companion was a little irritated at his +officious interposition, effected a reconciliation, by convincing +him that what he had done was for the honour of the company. He +then kept them to his breakfast; expressed a desire of seeing their +situation altered for the better; and the chaise being repaired, +took his leave of his entertainers, who came to wish him a good +journey, and with his attendants left Boulogne for the second time. + + + + + +CHAPTER XXXVII. + + + + +Proceeds for the Capital--Takes up his Lodging at Bernay, where he +is overtaken by Mr. Hornbeck, whose Head he longs to fortify. + + +During this day's expedition, Mr. Jolter took an opportunity of +imparting to his pupil the remarks he had made upon the industry +of the French as an undeniable proof of which he bade him cast +his eyes around, and observe with what care every spot of ground +was cultivated, and from the fertility of that province, which is +reckoned the poorest in France, conceive the wealth and affluence +of the nation in general. Peregrine, amazed as well as disgusted +at this infatuation, answered that what he ascribed to industry +was the effect of mere wretchedness; the miserable peasants being +obliged to plough up every inch of ground to satisfy their oppressive +landlords, while they themselves and their cattle looked like so +many images of famine; that their extreme poverty was evident from +the face of the country, on which there was not one inclosure to +be seen, or any other object, except scanty crops of barley and +oats, which could never reward the toil of the husbandman; that +their habitations were no better than paltry huts; that in twenty +miles of extent not one gentleman's house appeared; that nothing +was more abject and forlorn than the attire of their country people; +that the equipage of their travelling chaises was infinitely inferior +to that of a dung-cart in England; and that the postilion who then +drove their carriage had neither stockings to his legs, nor a shirt +to his back. + +The governor, finding his charge so intractable resolved to leave +him in the midst of his own ignorance and prejudice, and reserve +his observations for those who would pay more deference to his +opinion: and indeed this resolution he had often made, and as often +broken in the transports of his zeal, that frequently hurried him +out of the plan of conduct which in his cooler moments he had laid +down. They halted for refreshment at Montreuil, and about seven in +the evening arrived at a village called Bernay, where, while they +waited for fresh horses, they were informed by the landlord that +the gates of Abbeville were shut every night punctually at eight +o'clock, so that it would be impossible for them to get admittance. +He said there was not another place of entertainment on the road +where they could pass the night; and therefore, as a friend, he +advised them to stay at his house, where they would find the best +of accommodation, and proceed upon their journey betimes in the +morning. + +Mr. Jolter, though he had travelled on that road before, could not +recollect whether or not mine host spoke truth; but his remonstrance +being very plausible, our hero determined to follow his advice, +and being conducted into an apartment, asked what they could have +for supper. The landlord mentioned everything that was eatable in +the house; and the whole being engrossed for the use of him and +his attendants, he amused himself, till such time as it should be +dressed, in strolling about the house, which stands in a very rural +situation. While he thus loitered away the time that hung heavy on +his hands, another chaise arrived at the inn, and upon inquiry he +found that the new-comers were Mr. Hornbeck and his lady. The landlord, +conscious of his inability to entertain this second company, came +and begged with great humiliation that Mr. Pickle would spare them +some part of the victuals he had bespoken; but he refused to part +with so much as the wing of a partridge, though at the same time he +sent his compliments to the strangers, and giving them to understand +how ill the house was provided for their reception, invited them +to partake of his supper. Mr. Hornbeck, who was not deficient in +point of politeness, and extremely well disposed for a relishing +meal, which he had reason to expect from the savoury steam that +issued from the kitchen, could not resist this second instance of +our young gentleman's civility, which he acknowledged in a message, +importing that he and his wife would do themselves the pleasure of +profiting by his courteous offer. Peregrine's cheeks glowed when +he found himself on the eve of being acquainted with Mrs. Hornbeck, +of whose heart he had already made a conquest in imagination; and +he forthwith set his invention at work, to contrive some means of +defeating her husband's vigilance. + +When supper was ready, he in person gave notice to his guests, and, +leading the lady into his apartment, seated her in an elbow-chair +at the upper end of the table, squeezing her hand, and darting a +most insidious glance at the same time. This abrupt behaviour he +practised on the presumption that a lady of her breeding was not +to be addressed with the tedious forms that must be observed in +one's advances to a person of birth and genteel education. In all +probability his calculation was just, for Mrs. Hornbeck gave no +signs of discontent at this sort of treatment, but, on the contrary, +seemed to consider it as a proof of the young gentleman's regard; +and though she did not venture to open her mouth three times during +the whole repast, she showed herself particularly well satisfied +with her entertainer, by sundry sly and significant looks, while +her husband's eyes were directed another way; and divers loud peals +of laughter, signifying her approbation of the sallies which he +uttered in the course of their conversation. + +Her spouse began to be very uneasy at the frank demeanour of +his yoke-fellow, whom he endeavoured to check in her vivacity, by +assuming a severity of aspect; but whether she obeyed the dictates +of her own disposition, which, perhaps, was merry and unreserved, +or wanted to punish Mr. Hornbeck for his jealousy of temper; certain +it is, her gaiety increased to such a degree, that her husband was +grievously alarmed and, incensed at her conduct, and resolved to +make her sensible of his displeasure, by treading in secret upon +her toes. He was, however, so disconcerted by his indignation, that +he mistook his mark, and applied the sharp heel of his shoe to the +side of Mr. Jolter's foot, comprehending his little toe that was +studded with an angry corn, which he invaded with such a sudden +jerk, that the governor, unable to endure the torture in silence +started up, and, dancing on the floor, roared hideously with repeated +bellowings, to the enjoyment of Peregrine and the lady, who laughed +themselves almost into convulsions at the joke. Hornbeck, confounded +at the mistake he had committed, begged pardon of the injured tutor +with great contrition protesting that the blow he had so unfortunately +received, was intended for an ugly cur, which he thought had posted +himself under the table. It was lucky for him that there was actually +a dog in the room, to justify this excuse, which Jolter admitted +with the tears running over his cheeks, and the economy of the +table was recomposed. + +As soon, however, as the strangers could with decency withdraw, +this suspicious husband took his leave of the youth, on pretence of +being fatigued with his journey, after having, by way of compliment, +proposed that they should travel together next day; and Peregrine +handed the lady to her chamber, where he wished her good night with +another warm squeeze, which she returned. This favourable hint +made his heart bound with a transport of joy: he lay in wait for an +opportunity of declaring himself; and seeing the husband go down +into the yard with a candle, glided softly into his apartment, where +he found her almost undressed. Impelled by the impetuosity of his +passion, which was still more inflamed by her present luscious +appearance, and encouraged by the approbation she had already +expressed, he ran towards her with eagerness, crying, "Zounds! +madam, your charms are irresistible!" and without further ceremony +would have clasped her in his arms, had she not begged him for the +love of God to retire; for should Mr. Hornbeck return and find him +there, she would be undone for ever. He was not so blinded by his +passion, but that he saw the reasonableness of her fear; and as he +could not pretend to crown his wishes at that interview, he avowed +himself her lover, assured her that he would exhaust his whole +invention in finding a proper opportunity for throwing himself at +her feet; and in the mean time he ravished sundry small favours, +which she in the hurry of her fright, could not withhold from his +impudence of address. Having thus settled the preliminaries, he +withdrew to his own chamber, and spent the whole night in contriving +stratagems to elude the jealous caution of his fellow-traveller. + + + + + +CHAPTER XXXVIII. + + + + +They set out in company, breakfast at Abbeville, dine at Amiens and, +about eleven o'clock, arrive at Chantilly where Peregrine executes +a Plan which he had concerted upon Hornbeck. + + +The whole company by agreement rose and departed before day, and +breakfasted at Abbeville, where they became acquainted with the +finesse of their Bernay landlord, who had imposed upon them, in +affirming that they would not have been admitted after the gates +were shut. From thence they proceeded to Amiens, where they dined, +and were pestered by begging friars; and the roads being deep, it +was eleven o'clock at night before they reached Chantilly, where they +found supper already dressed, in consequence of having despatched +the valet-de-chambre before them on horseback. + +The constitution of Hornbeck being very much impaired by a life of +irregularity, he found himself so fatigued with his day's journey, +which amounted to upwards of a hundred miles, that when he sat +down at table, he could scarce sit upright; and in less than three +minutes began to nod in his chair. Peregrine, who had foreseen and +provided for this occasion, advised him to exhilarate his spirits +with a glass of wine; and the proposal being embraced, tipped his +valet-de-chambre the wink, who, according to the instructions he +had received, qualified the Burgundy with thirty drops of laudanum, +which this unfortunate husband swallowed in one glass. The dose, +cooperating with his former drowsiness, lulled him so fast to sleep, +as it were instantaneously, that it was found necessary to convey +him to his own chamber, where his footman undressed and put him to +bed: nor was Jolter (naturally of a sluggish disposition) able to +resist his propensity to sleep, without suffering divers dreadful +yawns, which encouraged his pupil to administer the same dose to +him, which had operated so successfully upon the other Argus. This +cordial had not such gentle effect upon the rugged organs of Jolter +as upon the more delicate nerves of Hornbeck; but discovered itself +in certain involuntary startings, and convulsive motions in the +muscles of his face; and when his nature at length yielded to the +power of this medicine, he sounded the trumpet so loud through his +nostrils, that our adventurer was afraid the noise would wake his +other patient, and consequently the accomplishment of his aim. The +governor was therefore committed to the care of Pipes, who lugged +him into the next room, and having stripped off his clothes, tumbled +him into his nest, while the two lovers remained at full liberty +to indulge their mutual passion. + +Peregrine, in the impatience of his inclination, would have finished +the fate of Hornbeck immediately; but his inamorata disapproved +of his intention, and represented that their being together by +themselves for any length of time would be observed by her servant, +who was kept as a spy upon her actions; so that they had recourse +to another scheme which was executed in this manner. He conducted +her into her own apartment in presence of her footman, who lighted +them thither, and wishing her good rest, returned to his own +chamber, where he waited till everything was quiet in the house; +then stealing softly to her door, which had been left open for his +admission in the dark, he found the husband still secure in the +embraces of sleep, and the lady in a loose gown, ready to seal +his happiness. He conveyed her to his own chamber; but his guilty +passion was not gratified. + +The opium which had been given to Jolter, together with the wine he +had drunk, produced such a perturbation in his fancy, that he was +visited with horrible dreams; and, among other miserable situations, +imagined himself in danger of perishing in the flames, which +he thought had taken hold on his apartment. This vision made such +an impression upon his faculties, that he alarmed the whole house +with repeated cries of "Fire! fire!" and even leaped out of his +bed, though he still continued fast asleep. The lovers were very +disagreeably disturbed by this dreadful exclamation; and Mrs. +Hornbeck, running in great confusion to the door, had the mortification +to see the footman, with a light in his hand, enter her husband's +chamber, in order to give him notice of this accident. She knew +that she would be instantly missed, and could easily divine the +consequence, unless her invention could immediately trump up some +plausible excuse for her absence. + +Women are naturally fruitful of expedients in cases of such +emergency: she employed but a few seconds in recollection, and, +rushing directly towards the apartment of the governor, who still +continued to hallo in the same note, exclaimed, in a screaming +tone, "Lord have mercy upon us! where! where!" By this time, all +the servants were assembled in strange attire: Peregrine burst into +Jolter's room, and seeing him stalking in his shirt, with his eyes +shut, bestowed such a slap upon his back, as in a moment dissolved +his dream, and restored him to the use of his senses. He was astonished +and ashamed at being discovered in such an indecent attitude; and, +taking refuge under the clothes, asked pardon of all present for +the disturbance he had occasioned; soliciting, with great humility, +the forgiveness of the lady, who, to a miracle, counterfeited the +utmost agitation of terror and surprise. Meanwhile Hornbeck, being +awaked by the repeated efforts of his man, no sooner understood +that his wife was missing, than all the chimeras of jealousy taking +possession of his imagination, he started up in a sort of frenzy, +and, snatching his sword, flew straight to Peregrine's chamber; +where, though he found not that which he looked for, he unluckily +perceived an under-petticoat, which his wife had forgot in the +hurry of her retreat. This discovery added fuel to the flame of +his resentment. He seized the fatal proof of his dishonour, and, +meeting his spouse in her return to bed, presented it to her view, +with a most expressive countenance, "Madam, you have dropped your +under-petticoat in the next room." + +Mrs. Hornbeck, who inherited from nature a most admirable presence +of mind, looked earnestly at the object in question, and, with +incredible serenity of countenance, affirmed that the petticoat +must belong to the house, for she had none such in her possession. +Peregrine, who walked behind her, hearing this asseveration, +immediately interposed, and pulling Hornbeck by the sleeve into +his chamber, "Gadszooks!" said he, "what business had you with that +petticoat? Can't you let a young fellow enjoy a little amour with +an innkeeper's daughter, without exposing his infirmities to your +wife? Pshaw! that's so malicious, because you have quitted these +adventures yourself, to spoil the sport of other people." + +The poor husband was so confounded at the effrontery of his wife, +and this cavalier declaration of the young man, that his faith began +to waver; he distrusted his own conscious diffidence of temper, +which, that he might not expose, he expressed no doubts of Peregrine's +veracity; but, asking pardon for the mistake he had committed, +retired. He was not yet satisfied with the behaviour of his ingenious +helpmate, but on the contrary determined to inquire more minutely +into the circumstances of this adventure, which turned out so little +to his satisfaction, that he ordered his servant to get everything +ready for his departure by break of day; and when our adventurer +rose next morning, he found that his fellow-travellers were gone +above three hours, though they had agreed to stay all the forenoon, +with a view of seeing the prince of Conde's palace, and to proceed +all together for Paris in the afternoon. + +Peregrine was a little chagrined, when he understood that he was +so suddenly deprived of this untasted morsel; and Jolter could not +conceive the meaning of their abrupt and uncivil disappearance, +which, after many profound conjectures, he accounted for, by +supposing that Hornbeck was some sharper who had run away with an +heiress, whom he found it necessary to conceal from the inquiry of +her friends. The pupil, who was well assured of the true motive, +allowed his governor to enjoy the triumph of his own penetration, +and consoled himself with the hope of seeing his dulcinea again at +some of the public places in Paris, which he proposed to frequent. +Thus comforted, he visited the magnificent stables and palace of +Chantilly, and immediately after dinner set out for Paris, where +they arrived in the evening, and hired apartments at an hotel in +the Faubourg St. Germaine, not far from the playhouse. + + + + + +CHAPTER XXXIX. + + + + +He is involved in an Adventure at Paris, and taken prisoner by the +City Guard--Becomes acquainted with a French Nobleman, who introduces +him in the Beau Monde. + + +They were no sooner settled in these lodgings, than our hero wrote +to his uncle an account of their safe arrival, and sent another +letter to his friend Gauntlet, with a very tender billet inclosed +for his dear Emilia, to whom he repeated all his former vows of +constancy and love. + +The next care that engrossed him was that of bespeaking several suits +of clothes suitable to the French mode; and, in the mean time, he +never appeared abroad, except in the English coffee-house, where he +soon became acquainted with some of his own countrymen, who were +at Paris on the same footing with himself. The third evening after +his journey, he was engaged in a party of those young sparks, at +the house of a noted traiteur, whose wife was remarkably handsome, +and otherwise extremely well qualified for alluring customers to +her house. To this lady our young gentleman was introduced as a +stranger fresh from England; and he was charmed with her personal +accomplishments, as well as with the freedom and gaiety of her +conversation. Her frank deportment persuaded him that she was one +of those kind creatures who granted favours to the best bidder: on +this supposition he began to be so importunate in his addresses, +that the fair bourgeoise was compelled to cry aloud in defence of +her own virtue. Her husband ran immediately to her assistance, and +finding her in a very alarming situation, flew upon her ravisher +with such fury, that he was fain to quit his prey, and turn against +the exasperated traiteur, whom he punished without mercy for his +impudent intrusion. The lady, seeing her yoke-fellow treated with +so little respect, espoused his cause, and, fixing her nails in his +antagonist's face, sacrificed all one side of his nose. The noise +of this encounter brought all the servants of the house to the rescue +of their master; and Peregrine's company opposing them, a general +battle ensued, in which the French were totally routed, the wife +insulted, and the husband kicked downstairs. + +The publican, enraged at the indignity which had been offered +to him and his family, went out into the street, and implored the +protection of the guet, or city guard, which, having heard his +complaint, fixed their bayonets and surrounded the door, to the +number of twelve or fourteen. The young gentlemen, flushed with their +success, and considering the soldiers as so many London watchmen +whom they had often put to flight, drew their swords, and sallied +out, with Peregrine at their head. Whether the guard respected them +as foreigners, or inexperienced youths intoxicated with liquor, +they opened to right and left, and gave them room to pass without +opposition. This complaisance, which was the effect of compassion, +being misinterpreted by the English leader, he, out of mere wantonness, +attempted to trip up the heels of the soldier that stood next him, +but failed in the execution, and received a blow on his breast with +the butt-end of a fusil, that made him stagger several paces backward. +Incensed at this audacious application, the whole company charged +the detachment sword in hand and, after an obstinate engagement, +in which divers wounds were given and received, every soul of them +was taken, and conveyed to the main-guard. The commanding officer +being made acquainted with the circumstances of the quarrel, in +consideration of their youth and national ferocity, for which the +French make large allowances, set them all at liberty, after having +gently rebuked them for the irregularity and insolence of their +conduct; so that all our hero acquired by his gallantry and courage, +was a number of scandalous marks upon his visage that confined him +a whole week to his chamber. It was impossible to conceal this +disaster from Mr. Jolter, who, having obtained intelligence of the +particulars, did not fail to remonstrate against the rashness of +the adventure, which, he observed, must have been fatal to them, +had their enemies been other than Frenchmen, who, of all people +under the sun, most rigorously observe the laws of hospitality. + +As the governor's acquaintance lay chiefly among Irish and English +priests, and a set of low people who live by making themselves +necessary to strangers, either in teaching the French language, or +executing small commissions with which they are intrusted, he was +not the most proper person in the world for regulating the taste +of a young gentleman who travelled for improvement, in expectation +of making a figure one day in his own country. Being conscious of +his own incapacity, he contented himself with the office of a steward, +and kept a faithful account of all the money that was disbursed in +the course of their family expense: not but that he was acquainted +with all the places which were visited by strangers on their first +arrival at Paris; and he knew to a liard what was commonly given +to the Swiss of each remarkable hotel; though, with respect to +the curious painting and statuary that everywhere abounded in that +metropolis, he was more ignorant than the domestic that attends +for a livre a day. + +In short, Mr. Jolter could give a very good account of the stages +on the road, and save the expense of Antonini's detail of the +curiosities in Paris: he was a connoisseur in ordinaries, from +twelve to five-and-thirty livres, knew all the rates of fiacre +and remise, could dispute with a tailleur or a traiteur upon the +articles of his bill, and scold the servants in tolerable French. +But the laws, customs, and genius of the people, the characters of +individuals, and scenes of polished life, were subjects which he +had neither opportunities to observe, inclination to consider, nor +discernment to distinguish. All his maxims were the suggestions of +pedantry and prejudice; so that his perception was obscured, his +judgment biased, his address awkward, and his conversation absurd +and unentertaining: yet such as I have represented this tutor, +are the greatest part of those animals who lead raw boys about the +world, under the denomination of travelling governors. Peregrine, +therefore, being perfectly well acquainted with the extent of Mr. +Jolter's abilities, never dreamt of consulting him in the disposition +of his conduct, but parcelled out his time to the dictates of his +own reflection, and the information and direction of his companions, +who had lived longer in France, and consequently were better +acquainted with the pleasures of the place. + +As soon as he was in a condition to appear a la Francaise, he hired +a genteel chariot by the month, made the tour of the Luxembourg +gallery, Palais Royal, all the remarkable hotels, churches, and +celebrated places in Paris; visited St. Cloud, Marli, Versailles, +Trianon, St. Germaine, and Fountainebleau, enjoyed the opera, Italian +and French comedy; and seldom failed of appearing in the public +walks, in hopes of meeting with Mrs. Hornbeck, or some adventure +suited to his romantic disposition. He never doubted that his person +would attract the notice of some distinguished inamorata, and was +vain enough to believe that few female hearts were able to resist the +artillery of his accomplishments, should he once find an opportunity +of planting it to advantage. He presented himself, however, at all +the spectacles for many weeks, without reaping the fruits of his +expectation; and began to entertain a very indifferent idea of the +French discernment, which had overlooked him so long, when one day, +in his way to the opera, his chariot was stopped by an embarrass +in the street, occasioned by two peasants, who having driven their +carts against each other, quarrelled, and went to loggerheads on the +spot. Such a rencounter is so uncommon in France, that the people +shut up their shops, and from their windows threw cold water upon +the combatants, with a view of putting an end to the battle, which +was maintained with great fury, and very little skill, until one +of them receiving an accidental fall, the other took the advantage +of this misfortune, and, fastening upon him, as he lay, began to +thump the pavement with his head. + +Our hero's equipage being detained close by the field of this +contention, Pipes could not bear to see the laws of boxing so +scandalously transgressed, and, leaping from his station, pulled +the offender from his antagonist, whom he raised up, and in the +English language encouraged to a second essay, instructing him at +the same time by clenching his fists according to art, and putting +himself in a proper attitude. Thus confirmed, the enraged carman +sprang upon his foe, and in all appearance would have effectually +revenged the injury he had sustained, if he had not been prevented +by the interposition of a lacquey belonging to a nobleman, whose +coach was obliged to halt in consequence of the dispute. This +footman, who was distinguished by a cane, descending from his post, +without the least ceremony or expostulation, began to employ his +weapon upon the head and shoulders of the peasant who had been +patronized by Pipes; upon which, Thomas, resenting such ungenerous +behaviour, bestowed such a stomacher upon the officious intermeddler, +as discomposed the whole economy of his entrails, and obliged him +to discharge the interjection Ah! with demonstrations of great +anguish and amazement. The other two footmen who stood behind the +coach, seeing their fellow-servant so insolently assaulted, flew +to his assistance, and rallied a most disagreeable shower upon the +head of his aggressor, who had no means of diversion or defence. + +Peregrine, though he did not approve of Tom's conduct, could not +bear to see him so roughly handled, especially as he thought his own +honour concerned in the fray; and therefore, quitting his machine, +came to the rescue of his attendant, and charged his adversaries +sword in hand. Two of them no sooner perceived this reinforcement, +than they betook themselves to flight; and Pipes, having twisted the +cane out of the hands of the third, belaboured him so unmercifully, +that our hero thought proper to interpose his authority in his behalf. +The common people stood aghast at this unprecedented boldness of +Pickle, who understanding that the person whose servants he had +disciplined was a general and prince of the blood, went up to the +coach, and asked pardon for what he had done, imputing his own +behaviour to his ignorance of the other's quality. The old nobleman +accepted of his apology with great politeness, thanking him for +the trouble he bad taken to reform the manners of his domestics; +and guessing from our youth's appearance that he was some stranger +of condition, very courteously invited him into the coach, on the +supposition that they were both going to the opera. Pickle gladly +embraced this opportunity of becoming acquainted with a person of +such rank, and, ordering his own chariot to follow, accompanied +the count to his loge, where he conversed with him during the whole +entertainment. + +He soon perceived that Peregrine was not deficient in spirit or +sense, and seemed particularly pleased with his engaging manner and +easy deportment, qualifications for which the English nation is by +no means remarkable in France, and therefore the more conspicuous +and agreeable in the character of our hero, whom the nobleman +carried home that same evening, and introduced to his lady and +several persons of fashion who supped at his house. Peregrine was +quite captivated by their affable behaviour and the vivacity of +their discourse; and, after having been honoured with particular +marks of consideration, took his leave, fully determined to cultivate +such a valuable acquaintance. + +His vanity suggested, that now the time was come when he should +profit by his talents among the fair sex, on whom he resolved to +employ his utmost art and address. With this view he assiduously +engaged in all parties to which he had access by means of his noble +friend, who let slip no opportunity of gratifying his ambition. +He for some time shared in all his amusements, and was entertained +in many of the best families of France; but he did not long enjoy +that elevation of hope, which had flattered his imagination. He soon +perceived that it would be impossible to maintain the honourable +connections he had made, without engaging every day at quadrille, +or, in other words, losing his money; for every person of rank, +whether male or female, was a professed gamester, who knew and +practised all the finesse of the art, of which he was entirely +ignorant. Besides, he began to find himself a mere novice in French +gallantry, which is supported by an amazing volubility of tongue, +and obsequious and incredible attention to trifles, a surprising +faculty of laughing out of pure complaisance, and a nothingness +of conversation which he could never attain. In short, our hero, +who among his own countrymen would have passed for a sprightly, +entertaining fellow, was considered in the brilliant assemblies +of France as a youth of a very phlegmatic disposition. No wonder, +then, that his pride was mortified at his own want of importance, +which he did not fail to ascribe to their defect in point of judgment +and taste. He conceived a disgust at the mercenary conduct, as well +as the shallow intellects, of the ladies; and after he had spent +some months, and a round sum of money, in fruitless attendance +and addresses, he fairly quitted the pursuit, and consoled himself +with the conversation of a merry fille de joie, whose good graces +he acquired by an allowance of twenty louis per month. That he might +the more easily afford this expense, he dismissed his chariot and +French lacquey at the same time. + +He then entered himself in a noted academy, in order to finish +his exercises, and contracted an acquaintance with a few sensible +people, whom he distinguished at the coffee-house and ordinary +to which he resorted, and who contributed not a little to the +improvement of his knowledge and taste; for, prejudice apart, it +must be owned that France abounds with men of consummate honour, +profound sagacity, and the most liberal education. From the conversation +of such, he obtained a distinct idea of their government and +constitution; and though he could not help admiring the excellent +order and economy of their police, the result of all his inquiries +was self-congratulation on his title to the privileges of a British +subject. Indeed this invaluable birthright was rendered conspicuous +by such flagrant occurrences, which fell every day almost under his +observation, that nothing but the grossest prejudice could dispute +its existence. + + + + + +CHAPTER XL. + + + + +Acquires a distinct Idea of the French Government--Quarrels with +a Mousquetaire, whom he afterwards fights and vanquishes, after +having punished him for interfering in his amorous Recreations. + + +Among many other instances of the same nature, I believe it will +not be amiss to exhibit a few specimens of their administration, +which happened during his abode at Paris; that those who have +not the opportunity of observing for themselves, or are in danger +of being influenced by misrepresentation, may compare their own +condition with that of their neighbours, and do justice to the +constitution under which they live. + +A lady of distinguished character having been lampooned by some +obscure scribbler, who could not be discovered, the ministry, in +consequence of her complaint, ordered no fewer than five-and-twenty +abbes to be apprehended and sent to the Bastille, on the maxim of +Herod, when he commanded the innocents to be murdered, hoping that +the principal object of his cruelty would not escape in the general +calamity; and the friends of those unhappy prisoners durst not even +complain of the unjust persecution, but shrugged up their shoulders, +and in silence deplored their misfortune, uncertain whether or not +they should ever set eyes on them again. + +About the same time a gentleman of family, who had been oppressed +by a certain powerful duke that lived in the neighbourhood, found +means to be introduced to the king, who, receiving his petition +very graciously, asked in what regiment he served; and when +the memorialist answered that he had not the honour of being in +the service, returned the paper unopened, and refused to hear one +circumstance of his complaint; so that, far from being redressed, +he remained more than ever exposed to the tyranny of his oppressors; +nay, so notorious is the discouragement of all those who presume +to live independent of court favour and connections that one of the +gentlemen, whose friendship Peregrine cultivated, frankly owned he +was in possession of a most romantic place in one of the provinces, +and deeply enamoured of a country life; and yet he durst not reside +upon his own estate, lest, by slackening in his attendance upon +the great, who honoured him with their protection, he should fall +a prey to some rapacious intendant. + +As for the common people, they are so much inured to the scourge +and insolence of power, that every shabby subaltern, every beggarly +cadet of the noblesse, every low retainer to the court, insults +and injures them with impunity. A certain ecuyer, or horsedealer, +belonging to the king, being one day under the hands of a barber, +who happened to cut the head of a pimple on his face, he started +up, and drawing his sword, wounded him desperately in the shoulder. +The poor tradesman, hurt as he was, made an effort to retire, and +was followed by this barbarous assassin, who, not contented with +the vengeance he had taken, plunged his sword a second time into +his body, and killed him on the spot. Having performed this inhuman +exploit, he dressed himself with great deliberation, and going to +Versailles, immediately obtained a pardon for what he had done; +triumphing in his brutality with such insolence, that the very +next time he had occasion to be shaved he sat with his sword ready +drawn, in order to repeat the murder, in case the barber should +commit the same mistake. Yet so tamed are those poor people to +subjection, that when Peregrine mentioned this assassination to +his own trimmer, with expressions of horror and detestation, the +infatuated wretch replied, that without all doubt it was a misfortune, +but it proceeded from the gentleman's passion; and observed, by way +of encomium on the government, that such vivacity is never punished +in France. + +A few days after this outrage was committed, our youth, who was a +professed enemy to all oppression, being in one of the first loges +at the comedy, was eye-witness of an adventure which filled him with +indignation: a tall, ferocious fellow, in the parterre, without the +least provocation, but prompted by the mere wantonness of pride, +took hold of the hat of a very decent young man who happened to +stand before him, and twirled it round upon his head. The party thus +offended turned to his aggressor, and civilly asked the reason of +such treatment: but he received no answer; and when he looked the +other way, the insult was repeated: upon which he expressed his +resentment as became a man of spirit, and desired the offender to +walk out with him. No sooner did he thus signify his intention, than +his adversary, swelling with rage, cocked his hat fiercely in his +face, and, fixing his hands in his sides, pronounced, with the most +imperious tone, "Hark ye, Mr. Round Periwig, you must know that +I am a mousquetaire." Scarce had this awful word escaped from his +lips, when the blood forsook the lips of the poor challenger, who, +with the most abject submission, begged pardon for his presumption, +and with difficulty obtained it, on condition that he should +immediately quit the place. Having thus exercised his authority, +he turned to one of his companions, and, with an air of disdainful +ridicule, told him he was like to have had an affair with a bourgeois; +adding, by way of heightening the irony, "Egad! I believe he is a +physician." + +Our hero was so much shocked and irritated at this licentious +behaviour, that he could not suppress his resentment, which he +manifested by saying to this Hector, "Sir, a physician may be a man +of honour." To this remonstrance, which was delivered with a very +significant countenance, the mousquetaire made no other reply, but +that of echoing his assertion with a loud laugh, in which he was +joined by his confederates. Peregrine, glowing with resentment, +called him a fanfaron, and withdrew in expectation of being followed +into the street. The other understood the hint; and a rencounter +must have ensued had not the officer of the guard, who overheard +what passed, prevented their meeting, by putting the mousquetaire +immediately under arrest. Our young gentleman waited at the door +of the parterre, until he was informed of this interposition, and +then went home very much chagrined at his disappointment; for he +was an utter stranger to fear and diffidence on those occasions, +and had set his heart upon chastising the insolence of this bully, +who had treated him with such disrespect. + +This adventure was not so private but that it reached the ears of Mr. +Jolter by the canal of some English gentlemen who were present when +it happened; and the governor, who entertained a most dreadful idea +of the mousquetaires, being alarmed at a quarrel, the consequence +of which might be fatal to his charge, waited on the British +ambassador, and begged he would take Peregrine under his immediate +protection. His excellency, having heard the circumstances of the +dispute, sent one of his gentlemen to invite the youth to dinner; +and after having assured him that he might depend upon his countenance +and regard, represented the rashness and impetuosity of his conduct +so much to his conviction, that he promised to act more circumspectly +for the future, and drop all thoughts of the mousquetaire from that +moment. + +A few days after he had taken this laudable resolution, Pipes, +who had carried a billet to his mistress, informed him that he had +perceived a laced hat lying upon a marble slab in her apartment; +and that when she came out of her own chamber to receive the letter, +she appeared in manifest disorder. From these hints of intelligence +our young gentleman suspected, or rather made no doubt of, her +infidelity; and being by this time well nigh cloyed with possession, +was not sorry to find she had given him cause to renounce her +correspondence. That he might therefore detect her in the very +breach of duty, and at the same time punish the gallant who had the +presumption to invade his territories, he concerted with himself a +plan which was executed in this manner. During his next interview +with his dulcinea, far from discovering the least sign of jealousy +or discontent, he affected the appearance of extraordinary fondness, +and, after having spent the afternoon with the show of uncommon +satisfaction, told her he was engaged in a party for Fountainebleau, +and would set out from Paris that same evening; so that he should +not have the pleasure of seeing her again for some days. + +The lady, who was very well versed in the arts of her occupation, +pretended to receive this piece of news with great affliction, and +conjured him, with such marks of real tenderness, to return as soon +as possible to her longing arms, that he went away almost convinced +of her sincerity. Determined, however, to prosecute his scheme, +he actually departed from Paris with two or three gentlemen of his +acquaintance, who had hired a remise for a jaunt to Versailles; and +having accompanied them as far as the village of Passe, he returned +in the dusk of the evening on foot. + +He waited impatiently till midnight, and then, arming himself with +a brace of pocket-pistols, and attended by trusty Tom with a cudgel +in his hand, repaired to the lodgings of his suspected inamorata. +Having given Pipes his cue, he knocked gently at the door, which +was no sooner opened by the lacquey, than he bolted in, before the +fellow could recollect himself from the confusion occasioned by his +unexpected appearance; and, leaving Tom to guard the door, ordered +the trembling valet to light him upstairs into his lady's apartment. +The first object that presented itself to his view, when he entered +the antechamber, was a sword upon the table, which he immediately +seized, exclaiming, in a loud and menacing voice, that his +mistress was false, and then in bed with another gallant, whom he +would instantly put to death. This declaration, confirmed by many +terrible oaths, he calculated for the hearing of his rival, who, +understanding his sanguinary purpose, started up in great trepidation, +and, naked as he was, dropped from the balcony into the street, +while Peregrine thundered at the door for admittance, and, guessing +his design, gave him an opportunity of making this precipitate +retreat. Pipes, who stood sentinel at the door, observing the +fugitive descend, attacked him with his cudgel; and sweating him +from one end of the street to the other, at last committed him to +the guet by whom he was conveyed to the officer on duty in a most +disgraceful and deplorable condition. + +Meanwhile Peregrine, having burst open the chamber door, found the +lady in the utmost dread and consternation, and the spoils of her +favourite scattered about the room; but his resentment was doubly +gratified, when he learned, upon inquiry, that the person who had +been so disagreeably interrupted was no other than that individual +mousquetaire with whom he had quarrelled at the comedy. He upbraided +the nymph with her perfidy and ingratitude; and telling her that she +must not expect the continuance of his regard, or the appointments +which she had hitherto enjoyed from his bounty, went home to his +own lodgings, overjoyed at the issue of the adventure. + +The soldier, exasperated at the disgrace he had undergone, as well +as the outrageous insult of the English valet, whom he believed his +master had tutored for that purpose, no sooner extricated himself +from the opprobrious situation he had incurred, than, breathing +vengeance against the author of the affront, he came to Peregrine's +apartment, and demanded satisfaction upon the ramparts next morning +before sunrise. Our hero assured him he would not fail to pay his +respects to him at the time and place appointed; and foreseeing +that he might be prevented from keeping this engagement by the +officious care of his governor, who saw the mousquetaire come in, +he told Mr. Jolter, that the Frenchman had visited him in consequence +of an order he had received from his superiors, to make an apology +for his rude behaviour to him in the playhouse, and that they had +parted very good friends. This assurance, together with Pickle's +tranquil and unconcerned behaviour through the day, quieted the terrors +which had begun to take possession of his tutor's imagination; so +that the youth had an opportunity of giving him the slip at night, +when he betook himself to the lodgings of a friend, whom he engaged +as his second, and with whom he immediately took the field, in order +to avoid the search which Jolter, upon missing him, might set on +foot. + +This was a necessary precaution; for as he did not appear at supper, +and Pipes, who usually attended him in his excursions, could give +no account of his motions, the governor was dreadfully alarmed at +his absence, and ordered his man to run in quest of his master to +all the places which he used to frequent, while he himself went to +the commissaire, and, communicating his suspicions, was accommodated +with a party of the horse-guards, who patrolled round all the +environs of the city, with a view of preventing the rencounter. +Pipes might have directed them to the lady, by whose information +they could have learned the name and lodgings of the mousquetaire, +and if he had been apprehended the duel would not have happened; +but he did not choose to run the risk of disobliging his master by +intermeddling in the affair, and was moreover very desirous that +the Frenchman should be humbled; for he never doubted that Peregrine +was more than a match for any two men in France. In this confidence, +therefore, he sought his master with great diligence, not with a +view of disappointing his intention, but in order to attend him to +the battle, that he might stand by him, and see justice done. + +While this inquiry was carried on, our hero and his companion +concealed themselves among some weeds, that grew on the edge of the +parapet, a few yards from the spot where he had agreed to meet +the mousquetaire; and scarce had the morning rendered objects +distinguishable when they perceived their men advancing boldly to +the place. Peregrine, seeing them approach sprang forward to the +ground, that he might have the glory of anticipating his antagonist; +and swords being drawn, all four were engaged in a twinkling. +Pickle's eagerness had well nigh cost him his life; for, without +minding his footing, he flew directly to his opposite, and, stumbling +over a stone, was wounded on one side of his head before he could +recover his attitude. Far from being dispirited at this check, it +served only to animate him the more; being endowed with uncommon +agility, he retrieved his posture in a moment; and having parried +a second thrust, returned the lunge with such incredible speed, that +the soldier had not time to resume his guard, but was immediately +run through the bend of his right arm; and the sword dropping out +of his hand, our hero's victory was complete. + +Having despatched his own business, and received the acknowledgment +of his adversary who, with a look of infinite mortification, +answered, that his was the fortune of the day, he ran to part the +seconds, just as the weapon was twisted out of his companion's hand: +upon which he took his place; and, in all likelihood, an obstinate +dispute would have ensued, had they not been interrupted by the +guard, at sight of whom the two Frenchmen scampered off. Our young +gentleman and his friend allowed themselves to be taken prisoners +by the detachment which had been sent out for that purpose, and +were carried before the magistrate, who, having sharply reprimanded +them for presuming to act in contempt of the laws, set them +at liberty, in consideration of their being strangers; cautioning +them, at the same time, to beware of such exploits for the future. + +When Peregrine returned to his own lodgings, Pipes, seeing the +blood trickling down upon his master's neckcloth and solitaire, gave +evident tokens of surprise and concern; not for the consequences +of the wound, which he did no suppose dangerous, but for the glory +of Old England, which he was afraid had suffered in the engagement; +for he could not help saying, with an air of chagrin, as he followed +the youth into his chamber, "I do suppose as how you gave that +lubberly Frenchman as good as he brought." + + + + + +CHAPTER XLI. + + + + +Mr. Jolter threatens to leave him on account of his Misconduct, +which he promises to rectify; but his Resolution is defeated by +the Impetuosity of his Passions--He meets accidentally with Mrs. +Hornbeck, who elopes with him from her Husband, but is restored by +the Interposition of the British Ambassador. + + +Though Mr. Jolter was extremely well pleased at the safety of his +pupil, he could not forgive him for the terror and anxiety he had +undergone on his account; and roundly told him, that notwithstanding +the inclination and attachment he had to his person, he would +immediately depart for England, if ever he should hear of his being +involved in such another adventure; for it could not be expected +that he would sacrifice his own quiet, to an unrequited regard for +one who seemed determined to keep him in continual uneasiness and +apprehension. + +To this declaration Pickle made answer, that Mr. Jolter, by this +time, ought to be convinced of the attention he had always paid +to his ease and satisfaction; since he well knew that he had ever +looked upon him in the light of a friend rather than as a counsellor or +tutor; and desired his company in France with a view of promoting +his interest, not for any emolument he could expect from his +instruction. This being the case, he was at liberty to consult his +own inclinations, with regard to going or staying; though he could +not help owning himself obliged by the concern he expressed for +his safety, and would endeavour, for his own sake, to avoid giving +him any cause of disturbance in time to come. + +No man was more capable of moralizing upon Peregrine's misconduct +than himself: his reflections were extremely just and sagacious, +and attended with no other disadvantage but that of occurring too +late. He projected a thousand salutary schemes of deportment, +but, like other projectors, he never had interest enough with the +ministry of his passions to bring any of them to bear. He had, +in the heyday of his gallantry received a letter from his friend +Gauntlet with a kind postscript from his charming Emilia; but it +arrived at a very unseasonable juncture, when his imagination was +engrossed by conquests that more agreeably flattered his ambition; so +that he could not find leisure and inclination, from that day, to +honour the correspondence which he himself had solicited. His vanity +had, by the time, disapproved of the engagement he had contracted +in the rawness and inexperience of youth; suggesting, that he was +born to such an important figure in life, as ought to raise his +ideas above the consideration of any such middling connections, +and fix his attention upon objects of the most sublime attraction. +These dictates of ridiculous pride had almost effaced the remembrance +of his amiable mistress, or at least so far warped his morals and +integrity, that he actually began to conceive hopes of her altogether +unworthy of his own character and her deserts. + +Meanwhile, being destitute of a toy for the dalliance of his +idle hours, he employed several spies, and almost every day made +a tour of the public places in person, with a view of procuring +intelligence of Mr. Hornbeck, with whose wife he longed to have +another interview. In this course of expectation had he exercised +himself a whole fortnight, when, chancing to be at the Hospital +of the Invalids with a gentleman lately arrived from England, he +no sooner entered the church than he perceived his lady, attended +by her spouse, who at sight of our hero changed colour and looked +another way, in order to discourage any communication between them. +But the young man, who was not so easily repulsed, advanced with +great assurance to his fellow-traveller, and taking him by the +hand, expressed his satisfaction at this unexpected meeting; kindly +upbraiding him for his precipitate retreat from Chantilly. Before +Hornbeck could make any reply he went up to his wife, whom he +complimented in the same manner; assuring her, with some significant +glances, he ass extremely mortified that she had put it out of his +power to pay his respects to her on his first arrival at Paris; +and then, turning to her husband, who thought proper to keep close +to him in this conference, begged to know where he could have the +honour of waiting upon him; observing at the same time, that he +himself lived a l'Academie de Palfrenier. + +Mr. Hornbeck, without making any apology for his elopement on the +road, thanked Mr. Pickle for his complaisance in a very cool and +disobliging manner; saying that as he intended to shift his lodgings +in a day or two, he could not expect the pleasure of seeing him, +until he should he settled, when he would call at the academy, and +conduct him to his new habitation. + +Pickle, who was not unacquainted with the sentiments of this +jealous gentleman, did not put much confidence in his promise, and +therefore made divers efforts to enjoy a little private conversation +with his wife; but he was baffled in all his attempts by the +indefatigable vigilance of her keeper, and reaped no other immediate +pleasure from this accidental meeting, than that of a kind squeeze +while he handed her into the coach. However, as he had been witness +to some instances of her invention, and was no stranger to the +favourable disposition of her heart, he entertained some faint +hopes of profiting by her understanding, and was not deceived in +his expectation; for the very next forenoon, a Savoyard called at +the academy, and put the following billet in his hand:-- + + "Coind Sur,--Heaving the playsure of meating with you at the + osspital of awilheads, I take this lubbertea of latin you + know, that I lotch at the hottail de May cong dangle rouy + Doghouseten, with two postis at the gait, naytheir of um very + hole, ware I shall be at the windore, if in kais you will be + so good as to pass that way at sicks a cloak in the heavening + when Mr. Hornbeck goes to the Calf hay de Contea. Prey for the + loaf of Geesus keep this from the nolegs of my hussban, ells he + will make me leed a hell upon urth.--Being all from, deer Sur, + your most umbell servan wile "Deborah Hornbeck." + +Our young gentleman was ravished at the receipt of this elegant +epistle, which was directed, A Monsr. Monsr. Pickhell, a la Gaddamme +de Paul Freny, and did not fail to obey the summons at the hour of +assignation; when the lady, true to her appointment, beckoned him +up-stairs, and he had the good fortune to be admitted unseen. + +After the first transports of their mutual joy at meeting, she told +him, that her husband had been very surly and cross ever since the +adventure at Chantilly, which he had not yet digested; that he had +laid severe injunctions upon her to avoid all commerce with Pickle, +and even threatened to shut her up in a convent for life, if ever +she should discover the least inclination to renew that acquaintance; +that she had been cooped up in her chamber since her arrival at Paris, +without being permitted to see the place, or indeed any company, +except that of her landlady, whose language she did not understand; +so that her spirit being broken, and her health impaired, he was +prevailed upon some days ago to indulge her in a few airings, during +which she had seen the gardens of the Luxembourg, the Tuileries, +and Palais Royal, though at those times when there was no company +in the walks; and that it was in one of those excursions she had the +happiness of meeting with him. Finally, she gave him to understand, +that rather than continue longer in such confinement with the man +whom she could not love, she would instantly give him the slip, +and put herself under the protection of her lover. + +Rash and unthinking as this declaration might be, the young +gentleman was so much of a gallant, that he would not balk the +lady's inclinations; and too infatuated by his passion to foresee +the consequences of such a dangerous step: he therefore, without +hesitation, embraced the proposal; and the coast being clear, they +sallied out into the street, where Peregrine, calling a fiacre, +ordered the coachman to drive them to a tavern; but knowing it +would not be in his power to conceal her from the search of the +lieutenant de police, if she should remain within the walls of Paris, +he hired a remise, and carried her that same evening to Villejuif, +about four leagues from town, where he stayed with her all night; +and having boarded her on a genteel pension, and settled the economy +of his future visits, returned next day to his own lodgings. + +While he thus enjoyed his success, her husband endured the tortures +of the damned. When he returned from the coffee-house, and understood +that his wife had eloped, without being perceived by any person +in the family, he began to rave and foam with rage and jealousy; +and, in the fury of distraction, accused the landlady of being an +accomplice in her escape, threatening to complain of her to the +commissaire. The woman could not conceive how Mrs. Hornbeck, who +she knew was an utter stranger to the French language, and kept no +sort of company, could elude the caution of her husband, and find +any refuge in a place where she had no acquaintance, and began to +suspect the lodger's emotion was no other than an affected passion +to conceal his own practices upon his wife, who had perhaps fallen +a sacrifice to his jealous disposition. She therefore spared him +the trouble of putting his menaces into execution by going to the +magistrate, without any further deliberation, and giving an account +of what she knew concerning this mysterious affair, with certain +insinuations against Hornbeck's character, which she represented +as peevish and capricious to the last degree. + +While she thus anticipated the purpose of the plaintiff, her +information was interrupted by the arrival of the party himself, +who exhibited his complaint with such evident marks of perturbation, +anger, and impatience, that the commissaire could easily perceive that +he had no share in the disappearance of his wife, and directed him +to the lieutenant de police, whose province it is to take cognizance +of such occurrences. This gentleman, who presides over the city +of Paris, having heard the particulars of Hornbeck's misfortune, +asked if he suspected any individual person as the seducer of his +yoke-fellow; and when he mentioned Peregrine as the object of his +suspicion, granted a warrant and a detachment of soldiers, to search +for and retrieve the fugitive. + +The husband conducted them immediately to the academy where our hero +lodged; and having rummaged the whole place, to the astonishment +of Mr. Jolter, without finding either his wife or the supposed +ravisher, accompanied them to all the public-houses in the Faubourg, +which having examined also without success, he returned to the +magistrate in a state of despair, and obtained a promise of his +making such an effectual inquiry, that in three days he should have +an account of her, provided she was alive, and within the walls of +Paris. + +Our adventurer, who had foreseen all this disturbance, was not at +all surprised when his governor told him what had happened, and +conjured him to restore the woman to the right owner, with many +pathetic remonstrances touching the heinous sin of adultery, the +distraction of the unfortunate husband, and the danger of incurring +the resentment of an arbitrary government, which, upon application +being made would not fail of espousing the cause of the injured. +He denied, with great effrontery, that he had the least concern in +the matter, pretended to resent the deportment of Hornbeck, whom he +threatened to chastise for his scandalous suspicion, and expressed +his displeasure at the credulity of Jolter, who seemed to doubt +the veracity of his asseveration. + +Notwithstanding this confident behaviour, Jolter could not help +entertaining doubts of his sincerity, and, visiting the disconsolate +swain, begged he would, for the honour of his country, as well as +for the sake of his own reputation, discontinue his addresses to +the lieutenant de police, and apply to the British ambassador, who, +by dint of friendly admonitions, would certainly prevail upon Mr. +Pickle to do him all the justice in his power, if he was really the +author of the injury he had sustained. The governor urged this +advice with the appearance of so much sympathy and concern, promising +to co-operate within his influence in his behalf, that Hornbeck +embraced the proposal, communicated his purpose to the magistrate, +who commended the resolution as the most decent and desirable +expedient he could use, and then waited upon his excellency, who +readily espoused his cause, and sending for the young gentleman +that same evening, read him such a lecture in private, as extorted +a confession of the whole affair. Not that he assailed him with +sour and supercilious maxims, or severe rebuke; because he had +penetration enough to discern that Peregrine's disposition was +impregnable to all such attacks; but he first of all rallied him +on his intriguing genius; then, in a humorous manner, described the +distraction of the poor cuckold, who he owned was justly punished +for the absurdity of his conduct; and lastly, upon the supposition +that it would be no great effort in Pickle to part with such +a conquest, especially after it had been for some time possessed, +represented the necessity and expediency of restoring her, not +only out of regard to his own character and that of his nation, +but also with a view to his ease, which would in a little time be +very much invaded by such an incumbrance, that in all probability +would involve him in a thousand difficulties and disgusts. Besides, +he assured him that he was already, by order of the lieutenant de +police, surrounded with spies, who would watch all his motions, +and immediately discover the retreat in which he had disposed his +prize. These arguments, and the frank familiar manner in which they +were delivered--but, above all, the last consideration--induced +the young gentleman to disclose the whole of his proceedings to +the ambassador; and he promised to be governed by his direction, +provided the lady should not suffer for the step she had taken, +but, be received by her husband with due reverence and respect. +These stipulations being agreed to, he undertook to produce her +in eight-and-forty hours; and, taking coach, immediately drove to +the place of her residence, where he spent a whole day and night +in convincing her of the impossibility of their enjoying each other +in that manner; then, returning to Paris, he delivered her into +the hands of the ambassador, who, having assured her that she might +depend upon his friendship and protection, in case she should find +herself aggrieved by the jealous temper of Mr. Hornbeck, restored +her to her legitimate lord, whom he counselled to exempt her from +that restraint which in all probability had been the cause of her +elopement, and endeavour to conciliate her affection by tender and +respectful usage. + +The husband behaved with great humility and compliance, protesting +that his chief study should be to contrive parties for her pleasure +and satisfaction. But no sooner did he regain possession of his +stray sheep, than he locked her up more closely than ever; and after +having revolved various schemes for her reformation, determined to +board her in a convent, under the inspection of a prudent abbess, +who should superintend her morals, and recall her to the paths +of virtue which she had forsaken. With this view, he consulted an +English priest of his acquaintance, who advised him to settle her +in a monastery at Lisle, that she might be as far as possible from +the machinations of her lover, and gave him a letter of recommendation +to the superior of a certain convent in that place, for which Mr. +Hornbeck set out in a few days with his troublesome charge. + + + + + +CHAPTER XLII. + + + + +Peregrine resolves to return to England--Is diverted with the odd +Characters of two of his Countrymen, with whom he contracts an +acquaintance in the Apartments of the Palais Royal. + + +In the mean time our hero received a letter from his aunt, importing +that the commodore was in a very declining way, and longed much to +see him at the garrison; and at the same time he heard from his +sister, who gave him to understand that the young gentleman, who had +for some time made his addresses to her, was become very pressing +in his solicitations; so that she wanted to know in what manner +she should answer his repeated entreaties. Those two considerations +determined the young gentleman to retain to his native country; a +resolution that was far from being disagreeable to Jolter, who knew +that the incumbent on a living which was in the gift of Trunnion +was extremely old, and that it would be his interest to be upon +the spot at the said incumbent's decease. + +Peregrine, who had resided about fifteen months in France, thought +he was now sufficiently qualified for eclipsing most of his +contemporaries in England, and therefore prepared for his departure +with infinite alacrity; being moreover inflamed with the most ardent +desire of revisiting his friends, and renewing his connections, +particularly with Emilia, whose heart he by this time, thought he +was able to reduce on his own terms. + +As he proposed to make the tour of Flanders and Holland in his return +to England, he resolved to stay at Paris a week or two after his +affairs were settled, in hope of finding some companion disposed +for the same journey; and, in order to refresh his memory, made +a second circuit round all the places in that capital, where any +curious production of art is to be seen. In the course of this +second examination he chanced to enter the Palais Royal, just as +two gentlemen alighted from a fiacre at the gate; and all three +being admitted at the same time, he soon perceived that the strangers +were of his own country. One of them was a young man, in whose air +and countenance appeared all the uncouth gravity and supercilious +self-conceit of a physician piping-hot from his studies; while +the other, to whom his companion spoke by the appellation of Mr. +Pallet, displayed at first sight a strange composition of levity +and assurance. Indeed, their characters, dress, and address, were +strongly contrasted: the doctor wore a suit of black, and a huge +tie-wig, neither suitable to his own age, nor the fashion of the +country where he then lived; whereas the other, though seemingly +turned of fifty, strutted in a gay summer dress of the Parisian +cut, with a bag to his own grey hair, and a red feather in his hat, +which he carried under his arm. As these figures seemed to promise +something entertaining, Pickle entered into conversation with +them immediately, and soon discovered that the old gentleman was a +painter from London, who had stolen a fortnight from his occupation, +in order to visit the remarkable paintings of France and Flanders; +and that the doctor had taken the opportunity of accompanying him +in his tour. Being extremely talkative, he not only communicated these +particulars to our hero in a very few minutes after their meeting, +but also took occasion to whisper in his ear that his fellow-traveller +was a man of vast learning and, beyond all doubt, the greatest poet +of the age. As for himself, he was under no necessity of making +his own eulogium; for he soon gave such specimens of his taste and +talents as left Pickle no room to doubt of his capacity. + +While they stood considering the pictures in one of the first +apartments, which are by no means the most masterly compositions, +the Swiss, who set up for a connoisseur, looking at a certain +piece, pronounced the word with a note of admiration; upon which +Mr. Pallet, who was not at all a critic in the French language, +replied, with great vivacity, "Manufac, you mean, and a very +indifferent piece of manufacture it is: pray, gentlemen, take +notice; there is no keeping in those heads upon the background, +and no relief in the principal figure: then you'll observe the +shadings are harsh to the last degree; and, come a little closer +this way--don't you perceive that the foreshortening of that +arm is monstrous?--egad, sir! The is an absolute fracture in the +limb. Doctor, you understand anatomy: don't you think that muscle +evidently misplaced? Hark ye, Mr. what-d'ye-call-um (turning to the +attendant), what is the name of the dauber who painted that miserable +performance?" The Swiss, imagining that he was all this time +expressing his satisfaction, sanctioned his supposed commendation +by exclaiming sans prix. "Right," cried Pallet: "I could not +recollect his name, though his manner is quite familiar to me. +We have a few pieces in England, done by that same Sangpree; but +there they are in no estimation; we have more taste among us than +to relish the productions of such a miserable gout. A'n't he an +ignorant coxcomb, doctor?" The physician, ashamed of his companion's +blunder, thought it was necessary, for the honour of his wan +character, to take notice of it before the stranger, and therefore +answered his question by repeating this line from Horace:-- + +Mutato nomine, de te fabula narratur. + +The painter, who was rather more ignorant of Latin than of French, +taking it for granted that this quotation of his friend conveyed an +assent to his opinion, "Very true," said he, "Potato domine date, +this piece is not worth a single potato." Peregrine was astonished +at this surprising perversion of the words and meaning of a Latin +line, which, at first, he could not help thinking was a premeditated +joke; but, upon second thoughts, he saw no reason to doubt that +it was the extemporaneous effect of sheer pertness and ignorance, +at which he broke out into an immoderate fit of laughter. Pallet, +believing that the gentleman's mirth was occasioned by his arch +animadversion upon the work of Sangpree, underwent the same emotion +in a much louder strain, and endeavoured to heighten the jest by +more observations of the same nature; while the doctor, confounded +at his impudence and want of knowledge, reprimanded him in these +words of Homer:-- + +Siga, me tis allos Achaion touton akouse muthon. + +This rebuke, the reader will easily perceive, was not calculated for +the meridian of his friend's intellects, but uttered with a view +of raising his own character in the opinion of Mr. Pickle, who +retorted this parade of learning in three verses from the same +author, being part of the speech of Polydamas to Hector, importing +that it is impossible for one man to excel in everything. + +The self-sufficient physician, who did not expect such a repartee +from a youth of Peregrine's appearance, looked upon his reply as +a fair challenge, and instantly rehearsed forty or fifty lines of +the Iliad in a breath. Observing that the stranger made no effort +to match this effusion, he interpreted his silence into submission; +then, in order to ascertain his victory, insulted him with divers +fragments of authors, whom his supposed competitor did not even know +by name; while Mr. Pallet stared with admiration at the profound +scholarship of his companion. Our young gentleman, far from repining at +this superiority laughed within himself at the ridiculous ambition +of the pedantic doctor. He rated him in his own mind as a mere +index-hunter, who held the eel of science by the tail, and foresaw +an infinite fund of diversion in his solemnity and pride, if properly +extracted by means of his fellow-traveller's vanity and assurance. +Prompted by these considerations, he resolved to cultivate their +acquaintance, and, if possible, amuse himself at their expense in his +journey through Flanders, understanding that they were determined +upon the same route. In this view he treated them with extraordinary +attention, and seemed to pay particular deference to the remarks +of the painter, who, with great intrepidity, pronounced judgment +upon every picture in the palace, or, in other words, exposed his +own nakedness in every sentence that proceeded from his mouth. + +When they came to consider the Murder of the Innocents by Le Brun, +the Swiss observed, that it was un beau morceau, and Mr. Pallet +replied,--"Yes, yes, one may see with half an eye, that it can be +the production of no other; for Bomorso's style both in colouring +and drapery, is altogether peculiar: then his design is tame, and +his expression antic and unnatural. Doctor, you have seen my judgment +of Solomon; I think I may, without presumption--but, I don't choose +to make comparisons; I leave that odious task to other people, and +let my works speak for themselves. France, to be sure, is rich in +the arts; but what is the reason? The king encourages men of genius +with honour and rewards; whereas, in England, we are obliged to stand +on our own feet, and combat the envy and malice of our brethren. +Egad! I have a good mind to come and settle here in Paris. I should +like to have an apartment in the Louvre, with a snug pension of so +many thousand livres." + +In this manner did Pallet proceed with an eternal rotation of +tongue, floundering from one mistake to another, until it was the +turn of Poussin's Seven Sacraments to be examined. Here again, the +Swiss, out of the abundance of his zeal, expressed his admiration, +by saying these pieces were impayable; when the painter, turning +to him, with an air of exultation, "Pardon me, friend, there you +happen to be mistaken: these are none of Impayable's; but done by +Nicholas Pouseen. I have seen prints of them in England, so that none +of your tricks upon travellers, Mr. Swiss or Swash, or what's your +name." He was much elated by this imaginary triumph of his understanding, +which animated him to persevere in his curious observations upon +all the other pieces of that celebrated collection; but perceiving +that the doctor manifested no signs of pleasure and satisfaction, +but rather beheld them with a silent air of disdain, he could not +digest his indifference, and asked, with a waggish sneer, if ever +he had seen such a number of masterpieces before? The physician, +eyeing him with a look of compassion, mingled with contempt, observed +that there was nothing there which deserved the attention of any +person acquainted with the ideas of the ancients; and that the +author of the finest piece now in being was unworthy to clean the +brushes of one of those great masters who are celebrated by the +Greek and Roman writers. + +"O lad! O lad!" exclaimed the painter, with a loud laugh, "you +have fairly brought yourself into a dilemma at last, dear doctor; +for it is well known that your ancient Greek and Roman artists +knew nothing at all of the matter, in comparison with our modern +masters; for this good reason, because they had but three or four +colours, and knew not how to paint with oil: besides, which of all +your old fusty Grecians would you put upon a footing with the divine +Raphael, the most excellent Michael Angelo, Bona Roti, the graceful +Guido, the bewitching Titian, and above all others, the sublime +Rubens, the--." He would have proceeded with a long catalogue of +names which he had got by heart for the purpose, without retaining +the least idea of their several qualifications, had not he been +interrupted by his friend, whose indignation being kindled by +the irreverence with which he mentioned the Greeks, he called him +blasphemer, Goth, Boeotian, and, in his turn, asked with great +vehemence, which of those puny moderns could match with Panaenus of +Athens, and his brother Phidias; Polycletus of Sicyon; Polygnotus, +the Thracian; Parrhasius of Ephesus, surnamed Abrodiaitos, or the +Beau; and Apelles, the prince of painters? He challenged him to +show any portrait of these days that could vie with the Helen of +Zeuxis, the Heraclean; or any composition equal to the Sacrifice of +Iphigenia, by Timanthes, the Sicyonian; not to mention the Twelve +Gods of Asclepiodorus, the Athenian, for which Mnason, tyrant +of Elatea, gave him about three hundred pounds apiece; or Homer's +Hell, by Nicias, who refused sixty talents, amounting to upwards +of eleven thousand pounds, and generously made a present of it to +his own country. He desired him to produce a collection equal to +that in the temple of Delphos, mentioned in the "Ion" of Euripides; +where Hercules and his companion Iolaus, are represented in the +act of killing the Lernaean hydra with golden sickles, kruseais +harpais, where Bellerophon appears on his winged steed, vanquishing +the fire-breathing chimera, tan puripneousan; and the war of +the giants is described. Here Jupiter stands wielding the red-hot +thunderbolts, keraunon amphipuron; there Pallas, dreadful to the +view, Gorgopon, brandishes her spear against the huge Euceladus; and +Bacchus, with slender ivy rods, defeats and slays the ges teknon, +or the mighty son of earth. + +The painter was astonished and confounded at this rhapsody of +names and instances, which was uttered with surprising eagerness +and rapidity, suspecting at first that the whole was the creation +of his own brain; but when Pickle, with a view of flattering +the doctor's self-conceit, espoused his side of the question, and +confirmed the truth of everything he advanced, Mr. Pallet changed +his opinion, and in emphatic silence adored the immensity of his +friend's understanding. In short, Peregrine easily perceived that +they were false enthusiasts, without the smallest pretensions to +taste and sensibility; and pretended to be in raptures with they +knew not what; the one thinking it was incumbent upon him to express +transports on seeing the works of those who had been most eminent +in their profession, whether they did or did not really raise +his admiration; and the other as a scholar deeming it his duty to +magnify the ancients above all competition, with an affected fervour, +which the knowledge of their excellencies never inspired. Indeed, +our young gentleman so successfully accommodated himself to the +disposition of each, that long before their review was finished, +he was become a particular favourite with both. + +From the Palais Royal he accompanied them to the cloisters of the +Carthusian's, where they considered the History of St. Bruno, by +Le Sueur, whose name being utterly unknown to the painter, he gave +judgment against the whole composition, as pitiful and paltry; +though, in the opinion of all good judges, it is a most masterly +performance. + +Having satisfied their curiosity in this place, Peregrine asked +them to favour him with their company at dinner; but whether out +of caution against the insinuations of one whose character they +did not know, or by reason of a prior engagement, they declined +his invitation on pretence of having an appointment at a certain +ordinary, though they expressed a desire of being further acquainted +with him; and Mr. Pallet took the freedom of asking his name, +which he not only declared, but promised, as they were strangers +in Paris, to wait upon them next day in the forenoon, in order to +conduct them to the Hotel de Toulouse, and the houses of several +other noblemen, remarkable for painting or curious furniture. They +thankfully embraced his proposal, and that same day made inquiry +among the English gentlemen about the character of our hero, which +they found so much to their satisfaction, that, upon their second +meeting, they courted his good graces without reserve; and as they +had heard of his intended departure, begged earnestly to have the +honour of accompanying him through the Low Countries. He assured +them that nothing could be more agreeable to him than the prospect +of having such fellow-travellers; and they immediately appointed +a day for setting out on that tour. + + + + + +CHAPTER XLIII. + + + + +He introduces his new Friends to Mr. Jolter, with whom the Doctor +enters into a Dispute upon Government, which had well nigh terminated +in open War. + + +Meanwhile, he not only made them acquainted with everything worth +seeing in town but attended them in their excursions to all the +king's houses within a day's journey of Paris; and in the course +of these parties, treated them with an elegant dinner at his own +apartments, where a dispute arose between the doctor and Mr. Jolter, +which had well nigh terminated in an irreconcilable animosity. These +gentlemen, with an equal share of pride, pedantry, and saturnine +disposition, were, by the accidents of education and company, +diametrically opposite in political maxims; the one, as we have +already observed, being a bigoted high-churchman, and the other a +rank republican. It was an article of the governor's creed, that +the people could not be happy, nor the earth yield its fruits +in abundance, under a restricted clergy and limited government; +whereas, in the doctor's opinion, it was an eternal truth, that no +constitution was so perfect as the democracy, and that no country +could flourish but under the administration of the mob. + +These considerations being premised, no wonder that they happened +to disagree in the freedom of an unreserved conversation, especially +as their entertainer took all opportunities of encouraging and +inflaming the contention. The first source of their difference was +an unlucky remark of the painter, who observed that the partridge, +of which he was then eating, had the finest relish of any he had +ever tasted. His friend owned that the birds were the best of the +kind he had seen in France; but affirmed that they were neither +so plump nor delicious as those that were caught in England. The +governor, considering this observation as the effect of prejudice +and inexperience, said, with a sarcastic smile, "I believe, sir, +you are very well disposed to find everything here inferior to +the productions of your own country."--"True, sir," answered the +physician, with a certain solemnity of aspect, "and not without +good reason, I hope."--"And pray," resumed the tutor, "why may not +the partridges of France be as good as those of England?"--"For +a very plain reason," replied the other; "because they are not so +well fed. The iron hand of oppression is extended to all animals +within the French dominions, even to the beasts of the field and +the fowls of the air; kunessin oionoisi te pasi."--"Egad!" cried +the painter, "that is a truth not to be controverted: for my own +part, I am none of your tit-bits, one would think; but yet there +is a freshness in the English complexion, a ginseekye, I think +you call it, so inviting to a hungry Frenchman, that I have caught +several in the very act of viewing me with an eye of extreme appetite, +as I passed; and as for their curs, or rather their wolves, whenever +I set eyes on one of 'em, Ah! your humble servant, Mr. son of a +b--, I am upon my guard in an instant. The doctor can testify that +their very horses, or more properly their live carrion, that drew +our chaise, used to reach back their long necks and smell at us, +as a couple of delicious morsels." + +This sally of Mr. Pallet, which was received with a general laugh +of approbation, would in all probability, have stifled the dispute +in embryo, had not Mr. Jolter, with a self-applauding simper, +ironically complimented the strangers on their talking like true +Englishmen. The doctor, affronted at the insinuation, told him with +some warmth that he was mistaken in his conjecture, his affections +and ideas being confined to no particular country; for he considered +himself as a citizen of the world. He owned himself more attached +to England than to any other kingdom, but this preference was the +effect of reflection, and not of prejudice; the British constitution +approached nearer than any other to that perfection of government, +the democracy of Athens, he hoped one day to see revived; he mentioned +the death of Charles the First, and the expulsion of his son, with +raptures of applause; inveighed with great acrimony against the +kingly name; and, in order to strengthen his opinion, repeated +forty or fifty lines from one of the Philippics of Demosthenes. + +Jolter, hearing him speak so disrespectfully of the higher powers, +glowed with indignation: he said his doctrines were detestable, +and destructive of all right, order, and society; that monarchy was +of divine institution, therefore indefeasible by any human power; +and of consequence those events in the English history, which he +had so liberally commended, were no other than flagrant instances +of sacrilege, perfidy, and sedition; that the democracy of Athens +was a most absurd constitution, productive of anarchy and mischief, +which must always happen when the government of a nation depends +upon the caprice of the ignorant, hair-brained vulgar; that it was +in the power of the most profligate member of the commonwealth, +provided he was endowed with eloquence, to ruin the most deserving, +by a desperate exertion of his talents upon the populace, who had +been often persuaded to act in the most ungrateful and imprudent +manner against the greatest patriots that their country had produced; +and, finally, he averred, that the liberal arts and sciences had +never flourished so much in a republic as under the encouragement +and protection of absolute power: witness the Augustan age, and +the reign of Louis the Fourteenth: nor was it to be supposed that +genius and merit could ever be so amply recompensed by the individuals +or distracted councils of a commonwealth, as by the generosity and +magnificence of one who had the whole treasury at his own command. + +Peregrine, who was pleased to find the contest grow warm, observed +that there seemed to be a good deal of truth in what Mr. Jolter +advanced; and the painter whose opinion began to waver, looked with +a face of expectation at his friend, who, modelling his features +into an expression of exulting disdain, asked of his antagonist, +if he did not think that very power of rewarding merit enabled an +absolute prince to indulge himself in the most arbitrary license +over the lives and fortunes of his people? Before the governor had +time to answer this question, Pallet broke forth into an exclamation +of "By the Lord! that is certainly fact, egad! that was a home-thrust, +doctor." When Mr. Jolter, chastising this shallow intruder with a +contemptuous look, affirmed that, though supreme power furnished +a good prince with the means of exerting his virtues, it would not +support a tyrant in the exercise of cruelty and oppression; because +in all nations the genius of the people must be consulted by their +governors, and the burthen proportioned to the shoulders on which +it is laid. "Else, what follows?" said the physician. "The consequence +is plain," replied the governor, "insurrection, revolt, and his +own destruction; for it is not to be supposed that the subjects +of any nation would be so abject and pusillanimous as to neglect +the means which heaven hath put in their power for their own +preservation."--"Gadzooks, you're in the right, sir" cried Pallet; +"that, I grant you, must be confessed: doctor, I'm afraid we have +got into the wrong box." This son of Paean, however, far from being +of his friend's opinion, observed, with an air of triumph, that he +would not only demonstrate the sophistry of the gentleman's last +allegation by argument and facts, but even confute him with his own +words. Jolter's eyes kindling at this presumptuous declaration, he +told his antagonist, while his lip quivered with resentment, that +if his arguments were no better than his breeding, he was sure he +would make very few converts to his opinion; and the doctor, with +all the insolence of triumph, advised him to beware of disputes +for the future, until he should have made himself more master of +his subject. + +Peregrine both wished and hoped to see the disputants proceed to +arguments of more weight and conviction; and the painter, dreading +the same issue, interposed with the usual exclamation of "For +God's sake, gentlemen;" when the governor rose from table in great +dudgeon, and left the room, muttering some ejaculation, of which +the word coxcomb only could be distinctly heard. The physician, +being thus left master of the field of battle, was complimented on +his victory by Peregrine, and so elevated by his success, that he +declaimed a full hour on the absurdity of Jolter's proposition, and +the beauty of the democratic administration; canvassed the whole +scheme of Plato's republic, with many quotations from that ideal +author, touching the to kalon: from thence he made a transition to +the moral sense of Shaftesbury, and concluded his harangue with the +greatest part of that frothy writer's rhapsody, which he repeated +with all the violence of enthusiastic agitation, to the unspeakable +satisfaction of his entertainer, and the unutterable admiration of +Pallet, who looked upon him as something supernatural and divine. + +So intoxicated was this vain young man with the ironical praises +of Pickle, that he forthwith shook off all reserve; and having +professed a friendship for our hero, whose taste and learning he did +not fail to extol, intimated in plain terms, that he was the only +person, in these latter ages, who possessed that genius, that portion of +the divinity, or Ti Theion, which immortalized the Grecian poets: +that as Pythagoras affirmed the spirit of Euphorbus had transmigrated +into his body, he, the doctor, strangely possessed with the opinion +that he himself was inspired by the soul of Pindar; because, making +allowance for the difference of languages in which they wrote, +there was a surprising affinity between his own works and those of +that celebrated Theban; and as a confirmation of this truth, he +immediately produced a sample of each, which, though in spirit and +versification as different as the Odes of Horace and our present +poet-laureat, Peregrine did not scruple to pronounce altogether +congenial, notwithstanding the violence he by this sentence offered +to his own conscience, and a certain alarm to his pride, that was +weak enough to be disturbed by the physician's ridiculous vanity +and presumption, which, not contented with displaying his importance +in the world of taste and polite literature, manifested itself in +arrogating certain material discoveries in the province of physic, +which could not fail to advance him to the highest pinnacle of that +profession, considering the recommendation of his other talents, +together with a liberal fortune which he inherited from his father. + + + + + +CHAPTER XLIV. + + + + +The Doctor prepares an Entertainment in the Manner of the Ancients, +which is attended with divers ridiculous Circumstances. + + +In a word, our young gentleman, by his insinuating behaviour, +acquired the full confidence of the doctor, who invited him to +an entertainment, which he intended to prepare in the manner of +the ancients. Pickle, struck with this idea, eagerly embraced the +proposal, which he honoured with many encomiums, as a plan in all +respects worthy of his genius and apprehension; and the day was +appointed at some distance of time, that the treater might have +leisure to compose certain pickles and confections which were not +to be found among the culinary preparations of these degenerate days. +With a view of rendering the physician's taste more conspicuous, +and extracting from it the more diversion, Peregrine proposed that +some foreigners should partake of the banquet; and the task being +left to his care and discretion, he actually bespoke the company +of a French marquis, an Italian count, and a German baron, whom he +knew to be egregious coxcombs, and therefore more likely to enhance +the joy of the entertainment. + +Accordingly, the hour being arrived, he conducted them to the hotel +where the physician lodged, after having regaled their expectations +with an elegant meal in the genuine old Roman taste; and they were +received by Mr. Pallet, who did the honours of the house, while his +friend superintended the cook below. By this communicative painter, +the guests understood that the doctor had met with numerous +difficulties in the execution of his design; that no fewer than +five cooks had been dismissed, because they could not prevail upon +their own consciences to obey his directions in things that were +contrary to the present practice of their art; and that although +he had at last engaged a person, by an extraordinary premium, to +comply with his orders, the fellow was so astonished, mortified, +and incensed at the commands he had received, that his hair stood on +end, and he begged on his knees to be released from the agreement +he had made; but finding that his employer insisted upon the +performance of his contract, and threatened to introduce him to +the commissaire if he should flinch from the bargain, he had, in +the discharge of his office, wept, sang, cursed, and capered for +two whole hours without intermission. + +While the company listened to this odd information, by which they +were prepossessed with strange notions of the dinner, their ears +were invaded by a voice that exclaimed in French, "For the love +of God! dear sir! for the passion of Jesus Christ! spare me the +mortification of the honey and oil!" Their ears still vibrated +with the sound, when the doctor entering, was by Peregrine made +acquainted with the strangers, to whom he, in the transports of +his wrath, could not help complaining of the want of complaisance +he had found in the Parisian vulgar, by which his plan had been +almost entirely ruined and set aside. The French marquis, who +thought the honour of his nation was concerned at this declaration, +professed his sorrow for what had happened, so contrary to +the established character of the people, and undertook to see the +delinquents severely punished, provided he could be informed of +their names or places of abode. + +The mutual compliments that passed on this occasion were scarce +finished, when a servant, coming into the room, announced dinner; +and the entertainer led the way into another apartment, where +they found a long table, or rather two boards joined together, and +furnished with a variety of dishes, the steams of which had such +evident effect upon the nerves of the company, that the marquis made +frightful grimaces, under pretence of taking snuff; the Italian's +eyes watered; the German's visage underwent several distortions +of features; our hero found means to exclude the odour from his +sense of smelling, by breathing only through his mouth; and the +poor painter, running into another room, plugged his nostrils with +tobacco. The doctor himself, who was the only person present, whose +organs were not discomposed, pointing to a couple of couches placed +on each side of the table, told his guests that he was sorry he +could not procure the exact triclinia of the ancients, which were +somewhat different from these conveniences, and desired they would +have the goodness to repose themselves without ceremony, each in +his respective couchette, while he and his friend Mr. Pallet would +place themselves upright at the ends, that they might have the +pleasure of serving those that lay along. This disposition, of which +the strangers had no previous idea, disconcerted and perplexed them +in a most ridiculous manner; the marquis and baron stood bowing +to each other, on pretence of disputing the lower seat, but in +reality with a view of profiting by the example of one another, for +neither of them understood the manner in which they were to loll; +and Peregrine, who enjoyed their confusion, handed the count to +the other side, where, with the most mischievous politeness, he +insisted upon his taking possession of the upper place. + +In this disagreeable and ludicrous suspense, they continue acting +a pantomime of gesticulations, until the doctor earnestly entreated +them to waive all compliment and form, lest the dinner should be +spoiled before the ceremonial could be adjusted. Thus conjured, +Peregrine took the lower couch on the left-hand-side, laying +himself gently down, with his face towards the table. The marquis, +in imitation of this pattern (though he would have much rather fasted +three days than run the risk of discomposing his dress by such an +attitude), stretched himself upon the opposite place, reclining +upon his elbow in a most painful and awkward situation, with his +head raised above the end of the couch, that the economy of his +hair might not suffer by the projection of his body. The Italian, +being a thin limber creature, planted himself next to Pickle, +without sustaining any misfortune but that of his stocking being +torn by a ragged nail of the seat, as he raised his legs on a level +with the rest of his limbs. But the baron, who was neither so wieldy +nor supple in his joints as his companions, flounced himself down +with such precipitation, that his feet, suddenly tilting up, came +in furious contact with the head of the marquis, and demolished +every curl in a twinkling, while his own skull, at the same instant, +descended upon the side of his couch, with such violence, that his +periwig was struck off, and the whole room filled with pulvilio. + +The drollery of distress that attended this disaster entirely +vanquished the affected gravity of our young gentleman, who was +obliged to suppress his laughter by cramming his handkerchief in his +mouth; for the bare-headed German asked pardon with such ridiculous +confusion, and the marquis admitted his apology with such rueful +complaisance, as were sufficient to awake the mirth of a quietist. + +This misfortune being repaired as well as the circumstances of +the occasion would permit, and every one settled according to the +arrangement already described, the doctor graciously undertook to +give some account of the dishes as they occurred, that the company +might be directed in their choice: and with an air of infinite +satisfaction thus began: "This here, gentlemen, is a boiled goose, +served up in a sauce composed of pepper, lovage, coriander, mint, +rue, anchovies; I wish for your sakes, gentlemen, it was one of +the geese of Ferrara, so much celebrated among the ancients for +the magnitude of their livers, one of which is said to have weighed +upwards of two pounds; with this food, exquisite as it was, did +the tyrant Heliogabalus regale his hounds. But I beg pardon, I had +almost forgot the soup, which I hear is so necessary an article at +all tables in France. At each end there are dishes of the salacacabia +of the Romans; one is made of parsley, pennyroyal, cheese, pine-tops, +honey, brine, eggs, cucumbers, onions, and hen livers; the other +is much the same as the soup-maigre of this country. Then there is +a loin of veal boiled with fennel and caraway-seed, on a pottage +composed of pickle, oil, honey, and flour, and a curious hachis of +the lights, liver, and blood of a hare, together with a dish of +roasted pigeons. Monsieur le baron, shall I help you to a plate +of this soup?" The German, who did not at all disapprove of the +ingredients, assented to the proposal, and seemed to relish the +composition; while the marquis being asked by the painter which +of the silly-kickabys he chose, was, in consequence of his desire, +accommodated with a portion of the soup-maigre; and the count, +in lieu of spoon-meat, of which he said he was no great admirer, +supplied himself with a pigeon, therein conforming to the choice of +our young gentleman, whose example he determined to follow through +the whole course of the entertainment. + +The Frenchman, having swallowed the first spoonful, made a full +pause, his throat swelled as if an egg had stuck in his gullet, +his eyes rolled, and his mouth underwent a series of involuntary +contractions and dilatations. Pallet, who looked steadfastly at +this connoisseur, with a view of consulting his taste, before he +himself would venture upon the soup, began to be disturbed at these +motions, and observed, with some concern, that the poor gentleman +seemed to be going into a fit; when Peregrine assured him, that +these were symptoms of ecstasy, and, for further confirmation, asked +the marquis how he found the soup. It was with infinite difficulty +that his complaisance could so far master his disgust as to enable +him to answer, "Altogether excellent, upon my honour!" and the +painter being certified of his approbation, lifted the spoon to +his mouth without scruple, but far from justifying the eulogium of +his taster, when this precious composition diffused itself upon his +palate, he seemed to be deprived of all sense and motion, and sat +like the leaden statue of some river god, with the liquor flowing +out at both sides of his mouth. + +The doctor, alarmed at this indecent phenomenon, earnestly inquired +into the cause of it; and when Pallet recovered his recollection, +and swore that he would rather swallow porridge made of burning +brimstone, than such an infernal mess as that which he had tasted, +the physician, in his own vindication, assured the company, that, +except the usual ingredients, he had mixed nothing in the soup +but some sal ammoniac instead of the ancient nitrum, which could +not now be procured; and appealed to the marquis, whether such a +succedaneum was not an improvement on the whole. The unfortunate +petit-maitre, driven to the extremity of his condescension, +acknowledged it to be a masterly refinement; and deeming himself +obliged, in point of honour, to evince his sentiments by his +practice, forced a few more mouthfuls of this disagreeable potion +down his throat, till his stomach was so much offended, that he +was compelled to start up of a sudden; and, in the hurry of his +elevation, overturned his plate into the bosom of the baron. The +emergency of this occasion would not permit him to stay and make +apologies for his abrupt behaviour; so that he flew into another +apartment, where Pickle found him puking and crossing himself with +great devotion; and a chair, at his desire, being brought to the +door, he slipped into it more dead than alive, conjuring his friend +Pickle to make his peace with the company, and in particular excuse +him to the baron, on account of the violent fit of illness with +which he had been seized. It was not without reason that he employed +a mediator; for when our hero returned to the dining-room, the German +got up, and was under the hands of his own lacquey, who wiped the +grease from a rich embroidered waistcoat, while he, almost frantic +with his misfortune, stamped upon the ground, and in High Dutch +cursed the unlucky banquet, and the impertinent entertainer, who all +this time, with great deliberation, consoled him for the disaster, +by assuring him that the damage done might be repaired with some oil +of turpentine and a hot iron. Peregrine, who could scarce refrain +from laughing in his face, appeased his indignation by telling +him how much the whole company, and especially, the marquis, was +mortified at the accident; and the unhappy salacacabia being removed, +the places were filled with two pies, one of dormice liquored with +syrup of white poppies, which the doctor had substituted in the +room of toasted poppy-seed, formerly eaten with honey, as a dessert; +and the other composed of a hock of pork baked in honey. + +Pallet, hearing the first of these dishes described, lifted up his +hands and eyes, and with signs of loathing and amazement, pronounced, +"A pie made of dormice and syrup of poppies! Lord in heaven! what +beastly fellows those Romans were!" His friend checked him for +his irreverent exclamation with a severe look, and recommended the +veal, of which he himself cheerfully ate, with such encomiums to +the company, that the baron resolved to imitate his example, after +having called for a bumper of Burgundy, which the physician, for his +sake, wished to have been the true wine of Falernum. The painter, +seeing nothing else upon the table which he would venture to touch, +made a merit of necessity, and had recourse to the veal also; +although he could not help saying that he would not give one slice +of the roast beef of Old England for all the dainties of a Roman +Emperor's table. But all the doctor's invitations and assurances +could not prevail upon his guests to honour the hachis and the +goose; and that course was succeeded by another, in which he told +them were divers of those dishes, which among the ancients had +obtained the appellation of politeles, or magnificent. "That which +smokes in the middle," said he, "is a sow's stomach, filled with +a composition of minced pork, hog's brains, eggs, pepper, cloves, +garlic, aniseed, rue, ginger, oil, wine, and pickle. On the +right-hand side are the teats and belly of a sow, just farrowed, +fried with sweet wine, oil, flour, lovage, and pepper. On the left +is a fricassee of snails, fed, or rather purged, with milk. At that +end next Mr. Pallet are fritters of pompions, lovage, origanum, +and oil; and here are a couple of pullets roasted and stuffed in +the manner of Apicius." + +The painter, who had by wry faces testified his abhorrence of +the sow's stomach, which he compared to a bagpipe, and the snails +which had undergone purgation, he no sooner heard him mention the +roasted pullets, than he eagerly solicited a wing of the fowl; +upon which the doctor desired he would take the trouble of cutting +them up, and accordingly sent them round, while Pallet tucked the +table-cloth under his chin, and brandished his knife and fork with +singular address: but scarce were they set down before him, when +the tears ran down his cheeks; and he called aloud, in a manifest +disorder, "Zounds! this is the essence of a whole bed of garlic!" +That he might not, however, disappoint or disgrace the entertainer, +he applied his instruments to one of the birds; and when he opened +up the cavity, was assaulted by such an irruption of intolerable +smells, that, without staying to disengage himself from the cloth, +he sprang away, with an exclamation of "Lord Jesus!" and involved +the whole table in havoc, ruin, and confusion. + +Before Pickle could accomplish his escape, he was sauced with the +syrup of the dormouse pie, which went to pieces in the general +wreck; and as for the Italian count, he was overwhelmed by the sow's +stomach, which, bursting in the fall, discharged its contents upon +his leg and thigh, and scalded him so miserably, that he shrieked +with anguish, and grinned with a most ghastly and horrible aspect. + +The baron, who sat secure without the vortex of this tumult, was +not at all displeased at seeing his companions involved in such a +calamity as that which he had already shared; but the doctor was +confounded with shame and vexation. After having prescribed an +application of oil to the count's leg, he expressed his sorrow for +the misadventure, which he openly ascribed to want of taste and +prudence in the painter, who did not think proper to return, and +make an apology in person; and protested that there was nothing in +the fowls which could give offence to a sensible nose, the stuffing +being a mixture of pepper, lovage, and assafoetida, and the sauce +consisting of wine and herring-pickle, which he had used instead +of the celebrated garum of the Romans; that famous pickle having +been prepared sometimes of the scombri, which were a sort of +tunny-fish, and sometimes of the silurus, or shad-fish: nay, he +observed that there was a third kind, called garum haemation, made +of the guts, gills, and blood of the thynnus. + +The physician, finding it would be impracticable to re-establish +the order of the banquet, by presenting again the dishes which had +been discomposed, ordered everything to be removed, a clean cloth +to be laid, and the dessert to be brought in. Meanwhile, he regretted +his incapacity to give them a specimen of the aliens, or fish meals +of the ancients, such as the jus diabaton, the conger-eel, which, +in Galen's opinion, is hard of digestion; the cornuta, or gurnard, +described by Pliny in his Natural History, who says, the horns +of many of them were a foot and a half in length, the mullet and +lamprey, that were in the highest estimation of old, of which last +Julius Caesar borrowed six thousand for one triumphal supper. He +observed that the manner of dressing them was described by Horace, +in the account he gives of the entertainment to which Maecenas was +invited by the epicure Nasidienus:-- + +Affertur squillas inter muraena natantes, etc. + +and told them that they were commonly eaten with the thus Syriacum, +a certain anodyne and astringent seed, which qualified the purgative +nature of the fish. This learned physician gave them to understand, +that though this was reckoned a luxurious fish in the zenith of the +Roman taste, it was by no means comparable, in point of expense, to +some preparations in vogue about the time of that absurd voluptuary +Heliogabalus, who ordered the brains of six hundred ostriches to +be compounded in one illness. + +By this time the dessert appeared, and the company were not a +little rejoiced to see plain olives in salt and water: butt what +the master of the feast valued himself upon, was a sort of jelly, +which he affirmed to be preferable to the hypotrimma of Hesychius, +being a mixture of vinegar, pickle, and honey, boiled to proper +consistence, and candied assafoetida, which he asserted, in +contradiction to Aumelbergius and Lister, was no other than the +laser Syriacum, so precious, as to be sold among the ancients to +the weight of a silver penny. The gentlemen took his word for the +excellency of this gum, but contented themselves with the olives, +which gave such an agreeable relish to the wine, that they seemed +very well disposed to console themselves for the disgraces they +had endured; and Pickle, unwilling to lose the least circumstance +of entertainment that could be enjoyed in their company, went in +quest of the painter, who remained in his penitentials in another +apartment, and could not be persuaded to re-enter the banqueting +room, until Peregrine undertook to procure his pardon from those +whom he had injured. Having assured him of this indulgence, our +young gentleman led him in like a criminal, bowing on all hands +with all air of humility and contrition; and particularly addressing +himself to the count, to whom he swore in English, as God was his +Saviour, he had no intent to affront man, woman, or child: but +was fain to make the best of his way, that he might not give the +honourable company cause of offence, by obeying the dictates of +nature in their presence. + +When Pickle interpreted this apology to the Italian, Pallet was +forgiven in very polite terms, and even received into favour by +his friend the doctor, in consequence of our hero's intercession: +so that all the guests forgot their chagrin, and paid their respects +so piously to the bottle, that in a short time the Champagne produced +very evident effects in the behaviour of all present. + + + + + +CHAPTER XLV. + + + + +The Painter is persuaded to accompany Pickle to a Masquerade in +Woman's Apparel---Is engaged in a troublesome Adventure, and, with +his Companion, conveyed to the Bastille. + + +The painter, at the request of Pickle, who had a design upon +the count's sense of hearing, favoured the company with the song +of Bumper Squire Jones, which yielded infinite satisfaction to +the baron, but affected the delicate ears of the Italian in such +a manner, that his features expressed astonishment and disquiet; +and by his sudden and repeated journeys to the door, it plainly +appeared, that he was in the same predicament with those who, as +Shakespeare observes, "when the bagpipe sings in the nose, cannot +contain their urine for affection." + +With a view, therefore, of vindicating music from such a barbarous +taste. Mr. Pallet had no sooner performed his task, than the count +honoured his friends with some favourite airs of his own country, +which he warbled with infinite grace and expression, though he had +not energy sufficient to engage the attention of the German, who +fell fast asleep upon his couch, and snored so loud, as to interrupt, +and totally annul, this ravishing entertainment; so that they were +fain to have recourse again to the glass, which made such innovation +upon the brain of the physician, that he sang divers odes of +Anacreon. to a tune of his own composing, and held forth upon the +music and recitative of the ancients with great erudition; while +Pallet, having found means to make the Italian acquainted with the +nature of his profession, harangued upon painting with wonderful +volubility, in a language which (it was well for his own credit) +the stranger did not understand. + +At length the doctor was seized with such a qualm, that he begged +Peregrine to lead him to his chamber; and the baron, being waked, +retired with the count. Peregrine, being rendered frolicsome with +the wine he had drunk, proposed that he and Pallet should go to a +masquerade, which he recollected was to be given that night. The +painter did not want curiosity and inclination to accompany him, but +expressed his apprehension of losing him in the ball; an accident +which could not fail to be very disagreeable, as he was an utter +stranger to the language and the town. To obviate this objection, +the landlady, who was of their council, advised him to appear in +a woman's dress, which would lay his companion under the necessity +of attending him with more care, as he could not with decency detach +himself from the lady whom he should introduce; besides, such a +connection would hinder the ladies of pleasure from accosting and +employing their seducing arts upon a person already engaged. + +Our young gentleman foreseeing the abundance of diversion in the +execution of this project, seconded the proposal with such importunity +and address, that the painter allowed himself to be habited in a +suit belonging to the landlady, who also procured for him a mask +and domino, while Pickle provided himself with a Spanish dress. In +this disguise, which they put on about eleven o'clock, did they, +attended by Pipes, set out in a fiacre for the ball-room, into which +Pickle led this supposititious female, to the astonishment of the +whole company, who had never seen such an uncouth figure in the +appearance of a woman. + +After they had taken a view of all the remarkable masks, and the +painter had been treated with a of glass of liqueur, his mischievous +companion gave him the slip; and, vanishing in an instant, returned +with another mask and a domino over his habit, that he might enjoy +Pallet's perplexity, and be at hand to protect him from insult. +The poor painter, having lost his guide, was almost distracted with +anxiety, and stalked about the room, in quest of him, with such +huge strides and oddity of gesture, that he was followed by a whole +multitude, who gazed at him as a preternatural phenomenon. This +attendance increased his uneasiness to such a degree, that he could +not help uttering a soliloquy aloud, in which he cursed his fate +for having depended upon the promise of such a wag; and swore, that +if once he was clear of this scrape, he would not bring himself +into such a premunire again for the whole kingdom of France. + +Divers petit-maitres, understanding the mask was a foreigner, who +in all probability could not speak French, made up to him in their +turns, in order to display their wit and address, and teased him +with several arch questions, to which he made no other reply than +"No parly Francy. D-- your chattering! Go about your business, +can't ye." Among the masks was a nobleman, who began to be very +free with the supposed lady, and attempted to plunge his hand into +her bosom: hut the painter was too modest to suffer such indecent +treatment; and when the gallant repeated his efforts in a manner +still more indelicate, lent him such a box on the ear, as made the +lights dance before him, and created such a suspicion of Pallet's +sex, that the Frenchman swore he was either a male or a hermaphrodite, +and insisted upon a scrutiny, for the sake of his own honour, +with such obstinacy of resentment, that the nymph was in imminent +danger, not only of being exposed, but also undergoing severe +chastisement, for having made so free with the prince's ear; when +Peregrine, who saw and overheard everything that passed, thought +it was high time to interpose; and accordingly asserted his +pretensions to the insulted lady, who was overjoyed at this proof +of his protection. + +The affronted gallant persevered in demanding to know who she was, +and our hero as strenuously refused to give him that satisfaction: +so that high words ensued; and the prince threatening to punish +his insolence, the young gentleman, who was not supposed to know +his quality, pointed to the place where his own sword used to hang, +and, snapping his fingers in his face, laid hold on the painter's +arm, and led him to another part of the room, leaving his antagonist +to the meditations of his own revenge. + +Pallet, having chid his conductor for his barbarous desertion, made +him acquainted with the difficulty in which he had been involved; +and flatly telling him he would not put it in his power to give him +the slip again, held fast by his arm during the remaining part of +the entertainment, to the no small diversion of the company, whose +attention was altogether engrossed in the contemplation of such +an awkward, ungainly, stalking apparition. At last Pickle, being +tired of exhibiting this raree-show, complied with the repeated +desires of his companion, and handed her into the coach; which he +himself had no sooner entered, than they were surrounded by a file +of musqueteers, commanded by an exempt, who, ordering the coach-door +to be opened, took his place with great deliberation, while one of +his detachment mounted the box, in order to direct the driver. + +Peregrine at once conceived the meaning of this arrest, and it +was well for him that he had no weapon wherewith to stand upon his +defence; for such was the impetuosity and rashness of his temper, +that, had he been armed, he would have run all risks rather than +surrender himself to any odds whatever; but Pallet, imagining that +the officer was some gentleman who had mistaken their carriage for +his own, desired his friend to undeceive the stranger; and when he +was informed of the real state of their condition, his knees began +to shake, his teeth to chatter, and he uttered a most doleful +lamentation, importing his fear of being carried to some hideous +dungeon of the Bastille, where he should spend the rest of his +days in misery and horror, and never see the light of God's sun, +nor the face of a friend; but perish in a foreign land, far removed +from his family and connexions. Pickle d--d him for his pusillanimity; +and the exempt hearing a lady bemoan herself so piteously, expressed +his mortification at being the instrument of giving her such pain, +and endeavoured to console them by representing the lenity of the +French government, and the singular generosity of the prince, by +whose order they were apprehended. + +Peregrine, whose discretion seemed to forsake him on all such +occasions, exclaimed, with great bitterness, against the arbitrary +administration of France, and inveighed, with many expressions +of contempt, against the character of the offended prince, whose +resentment, far from being noble, he mid, was pitiful, ungenerous, +and unjust. To this remonstrance the officer made no reply, but +shrugged up his shoulders in silent astonishment at the hardiesse +of the prisoner; and the fiacre was just on the point of setting +out, when they heard the noise of a scuffle at the back of the +coach, and the voice of Tom Pipes pronouncing, "I'll be d--d if I +do." This trusty attendant had been desired by one of the guards to +descend from his station in the rear; but as he resolved to share +his master's fate, he took no notice of their entreaties, until they +were seconded by force; and that he endeavoured to repeal with his +heel, which he applied with such energy to the jaws of the soldier, +who first came in contact with him, that they emitted a crashing sound +like a dried walnut between the grinders of a Templar in the pit. +Exasperated at this outrage, the other saluted Tom's posteriors with +his bayonet, which incommoded him so much that he could no longer +keep his post, but, leaping upon the ground, gave his antagonist +a chuck under the chin, and laid him upon his back, then skipping +over him with infinite agility, absconded among the crowd of coaches, +till he saw the guard mount before and behind upon his master's +fiacre, which no sooner set forward, than he followed at a small +distance, to reconnoitre the place where Peregrine should be +confined. After having proceeded slowly through many windings and +turnings to a part of Paris, in which Pipes was an utter stranger, +the coach stopped at a great gate, with a wicket in the middle, +which, being opened at the approach of the carriage, the prisoners +were admitted; and, the guard returning with the fiacre, Tom +determined to watch in that place all night, that, in the morning, +he might make such observations as might be conducive to the +enlargement of his master. + + + + + +CHAPTER XLVI. + + + + +By the Fidelity of Pipes, Jolter is informed of his Pupil's +fate--Confers with the Physician--Applies to the Ambassador, who, +with great difficulty, obtains the Discharge of the Prisoners on +certain Conditions. + + +This plan he executed, notwithstanding the pain of his wound, and +the questions of the city-guard, both horse and foot, to which he +could make no other answer than "Anglais, anglais;" and as soon as +it was light, taking an accurate survey of the castle (for such it +seemed to be) into which Peregrine and Pallet had been conveyed, +together with its situation in respect to the river, he went home +to the lodgings, and, waking Mr. Jolter, gave him an account of +the adventure. The governor wrung his hands in the utmost grief and +consternation when he heard this unfortunate piece of news: he did +not doubt that his pupil was imprisoned in the Bastille for life; +and, in the anguish of his apprehension, cursed the day on which +he had undertaken to superintend the conduct of such an imprudent +young man, who had, by reiterated insults, provoked the vengeance +of such a mild, forbearing administration. That he might not, +however, neglect any means in his power to extricate him from his +present misfortune, he despatched Thomas to the doctor, with an +account of his companion's fate, that they might join their interest +in behalf of the captives; and the physician, being informed of +what had happened, immediately dressed himself, and repaired to +Jolter, whom he accosted in these words:-- + +"Now, sir, I hope you are convinced of your error in asserting +that oppression can never be the effect of arbitrary power. Such +a calamity as this could never have happened under the Athenian +democracy: nay, even when the tyrant Pisistratus got possession of +that commonwealth, he durst not venture to rule with such absolute +and unjust dominion. You shall see now that Mr. Pickle and my +friend Pallet will fall a sacrifice to the tyranny of lawless power; +and, in my opinion, we shall be accessory to the ruin of this poor +enslaved people if we bestir ourselves in demanding or imploring +the release of our unhappy countrymen; as we may thereby prevent the +commission of a flagrant crime, which would fill up the vengeance +of Heaven against the perpetrators, and perhaps be the means of +restoring the whole nation to the unspeakable fruition of freedom. +For my own part, I should rejoice to see the blood of my father +spilt in such a glorious cause, provided such a victim would furnish +me with the opportunity of dissolving the chains of slavery, and +vindicating that liberty which is the birthright of man. Then would +my name be immortalised among the patriot heroes of antiquity, and +my memory, like that of Harmodius and Aristogiton, be honoured by +statues erected at the public expense." + +This rhapsody, which was delivered with great emphasis and agitation, +gave so much offence to Jolter, that, without saying one word, +he retired in great wrath to his own chamber; and the republican +returned to his lodging, in full hope of his prognostic being +verified in the death and destruction of Peregrine and the painter, +which must give rise to some renowned revolution, wherein he himself +would act a principal part. But the governor whose imagination was +not quite so warm and prolific, went directly to the ambassador, +whom he informed of his pupil's situation, and besought to interpose +with the French ministry, that he and the other British subject +might obtain their liberty. + +His excellency asked, if Jolter could guess at the cause of his +imprisonment, that he might be the better prepared to vindicate or +excuse his conduct: but neither he nor Pipes could give the smallest +hint of intelligence on that subject; though he furnished himself +from Tom's own mouth with a circumstantial account of the manner in +which his master had been arrested, as well as of his own behaviour, +and the disaster he had received on that occasion. His lordship +never doubted that Pickle had brought this calamity upon himself +by some unlucky prank he had played at the masquerade; when +he understood that the young gentleman had drunk freely in the +afternoon, and been so whimsical as to go thither with a man in +woman's apparel; and he that same day waited on the French minister, +in full confidence of obtaining his discharge; but met with more +difficulty than he expected, the court of France being extremely +punctilious in everything that concerns a prince of the blood: the +ambassador was therefore obliged to talk in very high terms; and, +though the present circumstances of the French politics would not +allow them to fall out with the British administration for trifles, +all the favour he could procure was to promise that Pickle should +L set at liberty, provided he would ask pardon of the prince to +whom he bad given offence. + +His excellency thought this was but a reasonable condescension, +supposing Peregrine to have been in the wrong; and Jolter was +admitted to him in order to communicate and reinforce his lordship's +advice, which was, that he comply with the terms proposed. +The governor, who did not enter this gloomy fortress without fear +and trembling, found his pupil in a dismal apartment, void of all +furniture but a stool and a truckle-bed. The moment he was admitted, +he perceived the youth whistling with great unconcern, and working +with his pencil at the bare wall, on which he had delineated a +ludicrous figure labelled with the name of the nobleman, whom he had +affronted, and an English mastiff with his leg lifted up, in the +attitude of making water in his shoe. He had been even so presumptuous +as to explain the device with satirical inscriptions in the French +language, which, when Jolter perused, his hair stood on end with +affright. The very turnkey was confounded and overawed by the boldness +of his behaviour, which he had never seen matched by any inhabitant +of that place; and actually joined his friend in persuading him to +submit to the easy demand of the minister. But our hero, far from +embracing the counsel of this advocate, handed him to the door with +great ceremony, and dismissed him with a kick on the breeches; and, +to all the supplications, and even tears of Jolter, made no other +reply than that he would stoop to no condescension, because he had +committed no crime, but would leave his case to the cognisance and +exertion of the British court, whose duty it was to see justice done +to its own subjects: he desired, however, that Pallet, who was +confined in another place, might avail himself of his own disposition, +which was sufficiently pliable; but when the governor desired to +see his fellow-prisoner, the turnkey gave him to understand that +he had received no orders relating to the lady, and therefore could +not admit him into her apartment; though he was complaisant enough +to tell him that she seemed very much mortified at her confinement, +and at certain times behaved as if her brain was not a little +disordered. + +Jolter, thus baffled in all his endeavours, quitted the Bastille +with a heavy heart, and reported his fruitless negotiation to the +ambassador, who could not help breaking forth into some acrimonious +expressions against the obstinacy and insolence of the young man, +who, he said, deserved to suffer for his folly. Nevertheless, he +did not desist from his representations to the French ministry, +which he found so unyielding, that he was obliged to threaten, in +plain terms, to make it a national concern; and not only wrote to +his court for instructions, but even advised the council to make +reprisals, and send some French gentleman in London to the Tower. + +This intimation had an effect upon the ministry at Versailles, who, +rather than run the risk of incensing a people whom it was neither +their interest nor inclination to disoblige, consented to discharge +the offenders, on condition that they should leave Paris in three +days after their enlargement. This proposal was readily agreed to +by Peregrine, who was now a little more tractable, and heartily +tired of being cooped up in such an uncomfortable abode, for the +space of three long days, without any sort of communication or +entertainment but that which his own imagination suggested. + + + + + +CHAPTER XLVII. + + + + +Peregrine makes himself Merry at the Expense of the Painter, who +curses his Landlady, and breaks with the Doctor. + + +As he could easily conceive the situation of his companion in +adversity, he was unwilling to leave the place until he had reaped +some diversion from his distress, and with that view repaired to +the dungeon of the afflicted painter, to which he had by this time +free access. When he entered, the first object that presented itself +to his eye was so uncommonly ridiculous, that he could scarce +preserve that gravity of countenance which he had affected in order +to execute the joke he had planned. The forlorn Pallet sat upright +in his bed in a deshabille that was altogether extraordinary. He +had laid aside his monstrous hoop, together with his stays, gown, +and petticoat, wrapped his lappets about his head by way of nightcap, +and wore his domino as a loose morning-dress; his grizzled locks +hung down about his lack-lustre eyes and tawny neck, in all the +disorder of negligence; his gray beard bristled about half-an-inch +through the remains of the paint with which his visage had been +bedaubed, and every feature of his face was lengthened to the most +ridiculous expression of grief and dismay. + +Seeing Peregrine come in, he started up in a sort of frantic ecstasy, +and, running towards him with open arms, no sooner perceived the +woeful appearance into which our hero had modelled his physiognomy, +than he stopped short all of a sudden, and the joy which had begun +to take possession of his heart was in a moment dispelled by the +most rueful presages; so that he stood in a most ludicrous posture +of dejection, like a malefactor at the Old Bailey, when sentence +is about to be pronounced. Pickle, taking him by the hand, heaved +a profound sigh; and after having protested that he was extremely +mortified at being pitched upon as the messenger of bad news, told +him, with an air of sympathy and infinite concern, that the French +court, having discovered his sex, had resolved, in consideration +of the outrageous indignity he offered in public to a prince of +the blood, to detain him in the Bastille a prisoner for life; and +that this sentence was a mitigation obtained by the importunities +of the British ambassador, the punishment ordained by law being no +other than breaking alive upon the wheel. + +These tidings aggravated the horrors of the painter to such a +degree that he roared aloud, and skipped about the room in all the +extravagance of distraction, taking God and man to witness, that +he would rather suffer immediate death than endure one year's +imprisonment in such a hideous place; and cursing the hour of his +birth, and the moment on which he departed from his own country. +"For my own part," said his tormentor, in a hypocritical tone, +"I was obliged to swallow the bitter pill of making submission +to the prince, who, as I had not presumed to strike him, received +acknowledgments, in consequence of which I shall be this day set +at liberty; and there is even one expedient left for the recovery +of your freedom--it is, I own, a disagreeable remedy, but one had +better undergo a little mortification than be for ever wretched. +Besides, upon second thoughts, I begin to imagine that you will +not for such a trifle sacrifice yourself to the unceasing horrors +of a dungeon; especially as your condescension will in all probability +be attended with advantages which you could not otherwise enjoy." +Pallet, interrupting him with great eagerness, begged for the love +of God that he would no longer keep him in the torture of suspense, +but mention that same remedy, which he was resolved to follow, let +it be ever so unpalatable. + +Peregrine, having thus played upon his passions of fear and hope, +answered, "that as the offence was committed in the habit of a +woman, which was a disguise unworthy of the other sex, the French +court was of opinion that the delinquent should be reduced to the +neuter gender; so that there was no alternative at his own option, +by which he had it in his power to regain immediate freedom."--"What!" +cried the painter, in despair, "become a singer? Gadzooks! and +the devil and all that! I'll rather be still where I am, and let +myself be devoured by vermin." Then thrusting out his throat--"Here +is my windpipe," said he; "be so good, my dear friend, as to give +it a slice or two: if you don't, I shall one of these days be +found dangling in my garters. What an unfortunate rascal I am! What +a blockhead, and a beast, and a fool, was I to trust myself among +such a barbarous ruffian race! Lord forgive you, Mr. Pickle, for +having been the immediate cause of my disaster. If you had stood +by me from the beginning, according to your promise, I should not +have been teased by that coxcomb who has brought me to this pass. +And why did I put on this d--d unlucky dress? Lord curse that +chattering Jezebel of a landlady, who advised such a preposterous +disguise!--a disguise which has not only brought me to this pass, +but also rendered me abominable to myself, and frightful to others; +for when I this morning signified to the turnkey that I wanted to +be shaved, he looked at my beard with astonishment, and, crossing +himself, muttered his Pater Noster, believing me, I suppose, to +be a witch, or something worse. And Heaven confound that loathsome +banquet of the ancients, which provoked me to drink too freely, +that I might wash away the taste of that accursed sillikicaby." + +Our young gentleman, having heard this lamentation to an end, +excused himself for his conduct by representing that he could not +possibly foresee the disagreeable consequences that attended it; +and in the mean time strenuously counselled him to submit to the +terms of his enlargement. He observed that he was now arrived at +that time of life when the lusts of the flesh should be entirely +mortified within him, and his greatest concern ought to be the of +his soul, to which nothing could more effectually contribute than +the amputation which was proposed; that his body, as well as his +mind, would profit by the change; because he would have no dangerous +appetite to gratify, and no carnal thoughts to divert him from the +duties of his profession; and his voice, which was naturally sweet, +would improve to such a degree, that he would captivate the ears +of all the people of fashion and taste, and in a little time be +celebrated under the appellation of the English Senesino. + +These arguments did not fail to make impression upon the painter, +who nevertheless started two objections to his compliance; namely, +the disgrace of the punishment, and the dread of his wife. Pickle +undertook to obviate these difficulties, by assuring him that the +sentence would be executed so privately as never to transpire: and +that his wife could not be so unconscionable, after so many years +of cohabitation, as to take exceptions to an expedient by which +she would not only enjoy the conversation of her husband, but even +the fruits of those talents which the knife would so remarkably +refine. + +Pallet shook his hand at this last remonstrance, as if he thought +it would not be altogether convincing to his spouse, but yielded +to the proposal, provided her consent could be obtained. Just as +he signified this condescension, the jailer entered, and addressing +himself to the supposed lady, expressed his satisfaction in having +the honour to tell her that she was no longer a prisoner. As the +painter did not understand one word of what he said, Peregrine +undertook the office of interpreter, and made his friend believe the +jailer's speech was no other than an intimation that the ministry +had sent a surgeon to execute what was proposed, and that the +instruments and dressings were prepared in the next room. Alarmed +and terrified at this sudden appointment, he flew to the other end +of the room, and, snatching up an earthen chamber-pot, which was +the only offensive weapon in the place, put himself in a posture +of defence, and with many oaths threatened to try the temper of +the barber's skull, if he should presume to set his nose within +the apartment. + +The jailer, who little expected such a reception, concluded that +the poor gentlewoman had actually lost her wits, and retreated with +precipitation, leaving the door open as he went out; upon which +Pickle, gathering up the particulars of his dress with great +despatch, crammed them into Pallet's arms, and taking notice that +now the coast was clear, exhorted him to follow his footsteps +to the gate, where a hackney-coach stood for his reception. There +being no time for hesitation, the painter took his advice; and, +without quitting the utensil, which in his hurry he forgot to lay +down, sallied out in the rear of our hero, with all the wildness +of terror and impatience which may be reasonably supposed to take +possession of a man who flies from perpetual imprisonment. Such +was the tumult of his agitation, that his faculty of thinking +was for the present utterly overwhelmed, and he saw no object but +his conductor, whom he followed by a sort of instinctive impulse, +without regarding the keepers and sentinels, who, as he passed with +his clothes under one arm, and his chamber-pot brandished above his +head, were confounded, and even dismayed, at the strange apparition. + +During the whole course of this irruption, he ceased nor to cry, +with great vociferation, "Drive, coachman, drive, in the name of +God!" and the carriage had proceeded the length of a whole street +before he manifested the least sign of reflection, but stared like +the Gorgon's head, with his mouth wide open, and each particular +hair crawling and twining like an animated serpent. At length, +however, he began to recover the use of his senses, and asked if +Peregrine thought him now out of all danger of being retaken. This +unrelenting wag, not yet satisfied with the affliction he imposed +upon the sufferer, answered, with an air of doubt and concern, +that he hoped they would not be overtaken, and prayed to God they +might not be retarded by a stop of carriages. Pallet fervently joined +in this supplication; and they advanced a few yards farther, when +the noise of a coach at full speed behind them invaded their ears; +and Pickle, having looked out of the window, withdrew his head in +seeming confusion, and exclaimed, "Lord have mercy upon us! I wish +that may not be a guard sent after us. Methinks I saw the muzzle +of a fusil sticking out of the coach." The painter, hearing these +tidings, that instant thrust himself half out at the window, with +his helmet still in his hand, bellowing to the coachman, as loud +as he could roar, "Drive, d-- ye, dive to the gates of Jericho and +the ends of the earth! Drive, you ragamuffin, you rascallion, you +hell-hound! Drive us to the pit Of hell, rather than we should be +taken!" + +Such a phantom could not pass without attracting the curiosity of +the people, who ran to their doors and windows, in order to behold +this object of admiration. With the same view, that coach, which +was supposed to be in pursuit of him, stopped just as the windows +of each happened to be opposite; and Pallet, looking behind, and +seeing three men standing upon the footboard armed with canes, which +his fear converted into fusils, never doubted that his friend's +suspicion was just, but, shaking his Jordan at the imaginary guard, +swore he would sooner die than part with his precious ware. The +owner of the coach, who was a nobleman of the first quality, mistook +him for some unhappy woman deprived of her senses: and, ordering +his coachman to proceed, convinced the fugitive, to his infinite +joy, that this was no more than a false alarm. He was not, for all +that, freed from anxiety and trepidation; but our young gentleman, +fearing his brain would not bear a repetition of the same joke, +permitted him to gain his own lodgings without further molestation. + +His landlady, meeting him on the stair, was so affected at his +appearance, that she screamed aloud, and betook herself to flight; +while he, cursing her with greet bitterness, rushed into the +apartment to the doctor, who, instead of receiving him with cordial +embraces, and congratulating him upon his deliverance, gave evident +signs of umbrage and discontent; and even plainly told him, he +hoped to have heard that he and Mr. Pickle had acted the glorious +part of Cato; an event which would have laid the foundation of such +noble struggles, as could not fail to end in happiness and freedom; +and that he had already made some progress in an ode that would +have immortalised their names, and inspired the flame of liberty in +every honest breast. "There," said he, "I would have proved, that +great talents, and high sentiments of liberty, do reciprocally +produce and assist each other; and illustrated my assertions with +such notes and quotations from the Greek writers, as would have +opened the eyes of the most blind and unthinking, and touched the +most callous and obdurate heart. 'O fool! to think the man, whose +ample mind must grasp whatever yonder stars survey'--Pray, Mr. +Pellet, what is your opinion of that image of the mind's grasping +the whole universe? For my own part, I can't help thinking it the +most happy conception that ever entered my imagination." + +The painter, who was not such a flaming enthusiast in the cause of +liberty, could not brook the doctor's reflections, which he thought +savoured a little too much of indifference and deficiency in point +of private friendship; and therefore seized the present opportunity +of mortifying his pride, by observing, that the image was, without +all doubt, very grand and magnificent; but that he had been obliged +for the idea to Mr. Bayes in "The Rehearsal," who values himself +upon the same figure, conveyed in these words, "But all these clouds, +when by the eye of reason grasp'd, etc." Upon any other occasion, +the painter would have triumphed greatly upon this detection; +but such was the flutter and confusion of his spirits, under the +apprehension of being retaken, that, without further communication, +he retreated to his own room, in order to resume his own dress, +which he hoped would alter his appearance in such a manner as to +baffle all search and examination; while the physician remained +ashamed and abashed, to find himself convinced of bombast by a +person of such contemptible talents. He was offended at this proof +of his memory, and so much enraged at his presumption in exhibiting +it, that he could never forgive his want of reverence, and took +every opportunity of exposing his ignorance and folly in the sequel. +Indeed, the ties of private affection were too weak to engage the +heart of this republican, whose zeal for the community had entirely +swallowed up his concern for individuals. He looked upon particular +friendship as a passion unworthy of his ample soul, and was +a professed admirer of L. Manlius, Junius Brutus, and those later +patriots of the same name, who shut their ears against the cries +of nature, and resisted all the dictates of gratitude and humanity. + + + + + +CHAPTER XLVIII. + + + + +Pallet conceives a hearty Contempt for his Fellow-traveller, and +attaches himself to Pickle, who, nevertheless, persecutes him with +his mischievous Talent upon the Road to Flanders. + + +In the mean time, his companion, having employed divers pailfuls +of water in cleansing himself from the squalor of jail, submitted +his face to the barber, tinged his eye-brows with a sable hue, and, +being dressed in his own clothes, ventured to visit Peregrine, who +was still under the hands of his valet-de-chambre, and who gave +him to understand that his escape had been connived at, and that +the condition of their deliverance was their departure from Paris +in three days. + +The painter was transported with joy, when he learned that he ran +no risk of being retaken, and, far from repining at the terms of his +enlargement, would have willingly set out on his return to England +that same afternoon; for the Bastille had made such an impression +upon him, that he started at the sound of every coach, and turned +pale at the sight of a French soldier. In the fulness of his heart, +he complained of the doctor's indifference, and related what +had passed at their meeting with evident marks of resentment and +disrespect; which were not at all diminished, when Jolter informed +him of the physician's behaviour when he sent for him, to confer +about the means of abridging their confinement. Pickle himself was +incensed at his want of bowels; and, perceiving how much he had +sank in the opinion of his fellow-traveller, resolved to encourage +these sentiments of disgust, and occasionally foment the division +to a downright quarrel, which he foresaw would produce some diversion, +and perhaps expose the poet's character in such a light, as would +effectually punish him for his arrogance and barbarity. With this +view, he leveled several satirical jokes at the doctor's pedantry +and want of taste, which had appeared so conspicuous in the quotation +he had got by heart, from ancient authors; in his affected disdain +of the best pictures of the world, which, had he been endowed with +the least share of discernment, he could not have beheld with such +insensibility; and, lastly, in his ridiculous banquet, which none +but an egregious coxcomb, devoid of all elegance and sense, would +have prepared, or presented to rational beings. In a word, our +young gentleman played the artillery of his wit against him with +such success, that the painter seemed to wake from a dream, and went +home with the most hearty contempt for the person he had formerly +adored. + +Instead of using the privilege of a friend, to enter his apartment +without ceremony, he sent in his servant with a message, importing, +that he intended to set out from Paris the next day, in company +with Mr. Pickle; and desiring to know whether or not he was, or +would be, prepared for the journey. The doctor, struck with the +manner as well as the matter of this intimation, went immediately +to Pallet's room and demanded to know the cause of such a sudden +determination without his privity or concurrence; and when he +understood the necessity of their affairs, rather than travel by +himself, he ordered his baggage to be packed up, and signified his +readiness to conform to the emergency of the case; though he was +not at all pleased with the cavalier behaviour of Pallet, to whom +he threw out some hints on his own importance, and the immensity +of his condescension in favouring him with such marks of regard. +But by this time these insinuations had lost their effect upon the +painter who told him, with an arch sneer, that he did not at all +question his learning and abilities, and particularly his skill in +cookery, which he should never forget while his palate retained its +function; but nevertheless advised him, for the sake of the degenerate +eaters of these days, to spare a little of his sal ammoniac in +the next sillykicaby he should prepare; and abate somewhat of the +devil's dung, which he had so plentifully crammed into the roasted +fowls, unless he had a mind to convert his guests into patients, with +a view of licking himself whole for the expense of the entertainment. + +The physician, nettled at these sarcasms, eyed him with a look of +indignation and disdain; and, being, unwilling to express himself +in English, lest, in the course of the altercation, Pallet should be +so much irritated as to depart without him, he vented his anger in +Greek. The painter, though by the sound he supposed this quotation +to be Greek, complimented his friend upon his knowledge in the +Welsh language, and found means to rally him quite out of temper; +so that he retired to his own chamber in the utmost wrath and +mortification, and left his antagonist exulting over the victory +he had won. + +While these things passed between these originals, Peregrine waited +upon the ambassador, whom he thanked for his kind interposition, +acknowledging the indiscretion of his own conduct with such appearance +of conviction and promises of reformation, that his excellency +freely forgave him for all the trouble he had been put to on his +account, fortified him with sensible advices and, assuring him of +his continual favour and friendship, gave him at parting, letters +of introduction to several persons of quality belonging to the +British court. + +Thus distinguished, our young gentleman took leave of all his +French acquaintance, and spent the evening with some of those who +had enjoyed the greatest share of his intimacy and confidence; +while Jolter superintended his domestic concerns, and with infinite +joy bespoke a post-chaise and horse, in order to convey him from +a place where he lived in continual apprehension of suffering by +the dangerous disposition of his pupil. Everything being adjusted +according to their plan, they and their fellow-travellers next +day dined together, and about four in the afternoon took their +departure in two chaises, escorted by the valet-de-chambre, Pipes, +and the doctor's lacquey on horseback, well furnished with arms +and ammunition, in case of being attacked by robbers on the road. + +It was about eleven o'clock at night when they arrived at Senlis, +which was the place at which they proposed to lodge, and where they +were obliged to knock up the people of the inn, before they could +have their supper prepared. All the provision in the house was but +barely sufficient to furnish one indifferent meal: however, the +painter consoled himself for the quantity with the quality of the +dishes, one of which was a fricassee of rabbit, a preparation that +he valued above all the dainties that ever smoked upon the table +of the sumptuous Heliogabalus. + +He had no sooner expressed himself to this effect, than our hero, +who almost incessantly laying traps for diversion at his neighbour's +expense, laid hold on the declaration; and, recollecting the story +of Scipio and the muleteer in Gil Blas, resolved to perpetrate a +joke upon the stomach of Pallet, which seemed well disposed to a +hearty supper. He, accordingly, digested his plan; and the company +being seated at table, affected to stare with peculiar eagerness +at the painter, who had helped himself to a large portion of the +fricassee, and began to swallow it with infinite relish. Pallet, +notwithstanding the keenness of his appetite, could not help +taking notice of Pickle's demeanour; and, making a short pause in +the exercise of his grinders, "You are surprised," said he, "to +see me make so much despatch; but I was extremely hungry, and this +is one of the best fricassees I ever tasted: the French are very +expert in these dishes, that I must allow; and, upon my conscience, +I would never desire to eat a more delicate rabbit than this that +lies upon my plate." + +Peregrine made no other reply to this encomium, than the repetition +of the word rabbit, with a note of admiration, and such a significant +shake of the head, as effectually alarmed the other, who instantly +suspended the action of his jaws, and, with the morsel half chewed +in his mouth, stared round him with a certain stolidity of apprehension, +which is easier conceived than described; until his eyes encountered +the countenance of Thomas Pipes, who, being instructed, and posted +opposite to him for the occasion, exhibited an arch grin, that +completed the painter's disorder. Afraid of swallowing his mouthful, +and ashamed to dispose of it any other way, he sat some time in +a most distressed state of suspense; and being questioned by Mr. +Jolter touching his calamity, made a violent effort of the muscles +of his gullet, which with difficulty performed their office; and +then, with great confusion and concern, asked if Mr. Pickle suspected +the rabbit's identity. The young gentleman, assuming a mysterious +air, pretended ignorance of the matter, observing that he was apt +to suspect all dishes of that kind, since he had been informed of +the tricks which were commonly played at inns in France, Italy, +and Spain; and recounted three passage in Gil Blas, which. we have +hinted it above, saying, he did not pretend to be a connoisseur +in animals, but the legs of the creature which composed that diet +which composed the fricassee, did not, in his opinion, resemble +those of the rabbits he had usually seen. This observation had an +evident effect upon the features of the painter, who, with certain +signs of loathing and astonishment, exclaimed, "Lord Jesus!" +and appealed to Pipes for the discovery of the truth by asking if +he knew anything of the affair. Tom very gravely replied, "he did +suppose the food was wholesome enough, for he had seen the skin and +feet of a special ram-cat, new flayed, hanging upon the door of a +small pantry adjoining to the kitchen." + +Before this sentence was uttered, Pallet's belly seemed to move +in contact with his back-bone, his colour changed, no part but the +whites of his eyes were to be seen, he dropped his lower jaw, and, +fixing his hands in his sides, retched with such convulsive agonies, +as amazed and disconcerted the whole company: and what augmented +his disorder, was the tenacious retention of the stomach, which +absolutely refused to part with its contents, notwithstanding all +the energy of his abhorrence, which threw him into a cold sweat, +and almost into a swoon. + +Pickle, alarmed at his condition, assured him it was a genuine +rabbit, and that he had tutored Pipes to say otherwise for the joke's +sake. But this confession he considered as a friendly artifice of +Pickle's compassion, and therefore it had little effect upon his +constitution. By the assistance, however, of a large bumper of +brandy, his spirits were recruited, and his recollection so far +recovered, that he was able to declare, with divers contortions of +face, that the dish had a rankness of taste, which he had imparted +partly to the nature of the French covey, and partly to the composition +of their sauces; then he inveighed against the infamous practices +of French publicans, attributing such imposition to their oppressive +government, which kept them so necessitous, that they were tempted +to exercise all manner of knavery upon their unwary guests. + +Jolter, who could not find in his heart to let slip any opportunity +of speaking in favour of the French, told him, that he was a very +great stranger to their police; else he would know, that if, upon +information to the magistrate, it should appear that any traveller, +native or foreigner, had been imposed upon or ill-treated by a +publican, the offender would be immediately obliged to shut up his +house; and, if his behaviour had been notorious, he himself would +be sent to the galleys, without the least hesitation: "and as for +the dish which has been made the occasion of your present disorder," +said he, "I will take upon me to affirm it was prepared of a genuine +rabbit, which was skinned in my presence; and, in confirmation of +what I assert, though such fricassees are not the favourites of my +taste, I will eat a part of this without scruple." + +So saying, he swallowed several mouthfuls of the questioned coney, +and Pallet seemed to eye it again with inclination; nay, he even +resumed his knife and fork; and being just on the point of applying +them, was seized with another qualm of apprehension, that broke +out in an exclamation of, "After all, Mr. Jolter, if it should be +a real ram-cat? Lord have mercy upon me! here is one of the claws." +With these words he presented the tip of a toe, of which Pipes had +snipped off five or six from a duck that was roasted, and purposely +scattered them in the fricassee: and the governor could not behold +this testimonial without symptoms of uneasiness and remorse; so +that he and the painter sat silenced and abashed, and made faces +at each other, while the physician, who hated them both, exulted +over their affliction, bidding them be of good cheer, and proceed +with their meal; for he was ready to demonstrate, that the flesh of +a cat was as nourishing and delicious as veal or mutton, provided +they could prove that the said cat was not of the boar kind, and +had fed chiefly on vegetable diet, or even confined its carnivorous +appetite to rats and mice, which he affirmed to be dainties of +exquisite taste and flavour. He said, it was a vulgar mistake to +think that all flesh-devouring creatures were unfit to be eaten: +witness the consumption of swine and ducks, animals that delight +in carriage as well as fish, and prey upon each other, and feed on +bait and carrion; together with the demand for bear, of which the +best hams in the world are made. He then observed that the negroes +on the coast of Guinea, who are healthy and vigorous people, prefer +cats and dogs to all other fare; and mentioned. from history several +sieges, during which the inhabitants, who were blocked up, lived +upon these animals, and had recourse even to human flesh, which, +to his certain knowledge, was in all respects preferable to pork; +for, in the course of his studies, he had, for the experiment's +sake, eaten a steak cut from the buttock of a person who had been +hanged. + +This dissertation, far from composing, increased the disquiet in +the stomachs of the governor and painter, who, hearing the last +illustration, turned their eyes upon the orator, at the same instant, +with looks of horror and disgust; and the one muttering the term +"cannibal," and the other pronouncing the word "abomination," they +rose from table in a great hurry, and. running towards another +apartment, jostled with such violence in the passage, that both +were overturned by the shock, which also contributed to the effect +of their nausea that mutually defiled them as they lay. + + + + + +CHAPTER XLIX. + + + + +Nor is the Physician sacred from his Ridicule--They reach Arras, +where our Adventurer engages in Play with two French Officers, +who, next Morning, give the Landlord an interesting Proof of their +Importance. + + +The doctor remained sullen and dejected during the whole journey: +not but that he attempted to recover his importance by haranguing +upon the Roman highways, when Mr. Jolter desired the company to +take notice of the fine pavement upon which they travelled from +Paris into Flanders; but Pallet, who thought he had now gained the +ascendency over the physician, exerted himself in maintaining the +superiority he had acquired, by venting various sarcasms upon his +self-conceit and affectation of learning, and even tittering puns +and conundrums upon the remarks which the republican retailed. +When he talked of the Flaminian Way, the painter questioned if it +was a better pavement than the Fleminian Way on which they travelled: +and the doctor having observed, that this road was made for the +convenience of drawing the French artillery into Flanders, which +was often the seat of war, his competitor in wit replied, with +infinite vivacity, "There are more great guns than the French king +knows of drawn along this causeway, doctor." + +Encouraged by the success of these efforts, which tickled the imagination +of Jolter, and drew smiles (as he imagined) of approbation from +our hero, he sported in many other equivoques of the same nature; +and at dinner, told the physician, that he was like the root of +the tongue, as being cursedly down in the mouth. + +By this time, such was the animosity subsisting between these +quondam friends, that they never conversed together, except with +a view of exposing each other to the ridicule or contempt of their +fellow-travellers. The doctor was at great pains to point out the +folly and ignorance of Pallet in private to Peregrine, who was often +conjured in the same manner by the painter, to take notice of the +physician's want of manners and taste. Pickle pretended to acquiesce +in the truth of their mutual severity, which, indeed, was extremely +just; and. by malicious insinuations blew up their contention, with +a view of bringing it to open hostility. But both seemed so averse +to deeds of mortal purpose, that for a long time his arts were +baffled, and he could not spirit them up to any pitch of resentment +higher than scurrilous repartee. + +Before they reached Arras, the city gates were shut, so that they +were obliged to take up their lodgings at an indifferent house +in the suburbs, where they found a couple of French officers, who +had also rode post from Paris so far on their way to Lisle. These +gentlemen were about the age of thirty, and their deportment +distinguished by such an air of insolence, as disgusted our hero, +who, nevertheless, accosted them politely in the yard, and proposed +that they should sup together. They thanked him for the honour +of his invitation, which, however, they declined upon pretence of +having ordered something for themselves; but promised to wait upon +him and his company immediately after their repast. + +This they accordingly performed; and, after having drunk a few glasses +of Burgundy, one of them asked, if the young gentleman would, for +pastime, take a hand at quadrille. Peregrine easily divined the +meaning of this proposal, which was made with no other view than +that of fleecing him and his fellow-travellers; for he well knew +to what shifts a subaltern in the French service is reduced, in +order to maintain the appearance of a gentleman, and had reason to +believe that most of them were sharpers from their youth: but, as +he depended a good deal upon his own penetration and address, he +gratified the stranger's desire; and a party was instantly formed +of the painter, the physician, the proposer, and himself, the other +officer having professed himself utterly ignorant of the game; in +the course of the play, he took his station at the back of Pickle's +chair, which was opposite to his friend, on pretence of amusing +himself with seeing his manner of conducting the cards. The youth +was not such a novice but that he perceived the design of this +palpable piece of behaviour, which, notwithstanding, he overlooked +for the present, with a view of flattering their hopes in the +beginning, that they might be the more effectually punished by +their disappointment in the end. + +The game was scarce begun, when, by the reflection of a glass, he +discerned the officer at his back making signs to his companion, +who, by preconcerted gestures, was perfectly informed of the contents +of Peregrine's hand, and, of consequence, fortunate in the course +of play. Thus they were allowed to enjoy the fruits of their +dexterity, until their money amounted to some louis; when our young +gentleman, thinking it high time to do himself justice, signified +in very polite terms to the gentleman who stood behind him, that he +could never play with ease and deliberation when he was overlooked +by any bystander, and begged that he would have the goodness to be +seated. + +As this was a remonstrance which the stranger could not, with my show +of breeding, resist, he asked pardon, and retired to the chair of +the physician, who frankly told him, that it was not the fashion of +his country for one to submit his hand to the perusal of a spectator; +and when, in consequence of this rebuff, he wanted to quarter himself +upon the painter, he was refused by a wave of the hand, and shake +of the head, with an exclamation of pardonnez moi; which was repeated +with such emphasis, as discomposed this effrontery; and he found +himself obliged to sit down in a state of mortification. + +The odds being thus removed, fortune proceeded in her usual channel; +and though the Frenchman, deprived of his ally, endeavoured to +practise divers strokes of finesse, the rest of the company observed +him with such vigilance and caution, as baffled all his attempts, +and in a very little time he was compelled to part with his winning: +but, having engaged in the match with an intention of taking all +advantages, whether fair or unfair, that his superior skill should +give him over the Englishman, the money was not refunded without a +thousand disputes, in the course of which he essayed to intimidate +his antagonist with high words, which were retorted by our hero +with such interest as convinced him that he had mistaken his man, +and persuaded him to make his retreat in quiet. Indeed, it was +not without cause that they repined at the bad success of their +enterprise; because, in all likelihood, they had nothing to depend +upon for the present but their own industry, and knew not how to +defray their expenses on the road, except by some acquisition of +this kind. + +Next morning they rose at daybreak, and resolving to anticipate +their fellow-lodgers, bespoke post-horses as soon as they could be +admitted into the city; so that, when our company appeared, their +beasts were ready in the yard, and they only waited to discuss the +bill, which they had ordered to be made out. The landlord of the +inn presented his carte with fear and trembling to one of those +ferocious cavaliers, who no sooner cast his eye upon the sum total, +than he discharged a volley of dreadful oaths, and asked if the +king's officers were to be treated in that manner? The poor publican +protested, with great humility, that he had the utmost respect for +his majesty, and everything that belonged to him; and that, far +from consulting his own interest, all that he desired was, to be +barely indemnified for the expense of their lodging. + +This condescension seemed to have no other effect than that of +encouraging their arrogance. They swore his extortion should be +explained to the commandant of the town, who would, by making him +a public example, teach other innkeepers how to behave towards men +of honour; and threatened with such confidence of indignation, that +the wretched landlord, dreading the consequence of their wrath, +implored pardon in the most abject manner, begging, with many +supplications, that he might have the pleasure of lodging them at +his own charge. This was a favour which he with great difficulty +obtained: they chid him severely for his imposition; exhorted +him to have more regard for his own conscience, as well as to the +convenience of his guests; and, cautioning him in particular touching +his behaviour to the gentlemen of the army, mounted their horses, +and rode off in great state, leaving him very thankful for having +so successfully appeased the choler of two officers, who wanted +either inclination or ability to pay their bill; for experience had +taught him to be apprehensive of all such travellers, who commonly +lay the landlord under contribution, by way of atonement for +the extravagance of his demands, even after he has professed his +willingness to entertain them on their own terms. + + + + + +CHAPTER L. + + + + +Peregrine moralizes upon their Behaviour, which is condemned by +the Doctor, and defended by the Governor--They arrive in safety +at Lisle, dine at an Ordinary, visit the Citadel--The Physician +quarrels with a North Briton, who is put in Arrest. + + +These honourable adventurers being gone, Peregrine, who was present +during the transaction, informed himself of the particulars from +the mouth of the innkeeper himself, who took Heaven and the saints +to witness, that he should have been a loser by their custom, even +if the bill had been paid: because he was on his guard against +their objections, and had charged every article at an under price: +but such was the authority of officers in France, that he durst +not dispute the least circumstance of their will; for, had the case +come under the cognizance of the magistrate, he must, in course, +have suffered by the maxims of their government, which never fail +to abet the oppression of the army; and, besides, run the risk of +incurring their future resentment, which would be sufficient to +ruin him from top to bottom. + +Our hero boiled with indignation at this instance of injustice and +arbitrary power; and, turning to his governor, asked, if this too +was a proof of the happiness enjoyed by the French people. Jolter +replied, that every human constitution must, in some things, +be imperfect and owned, that in this kingdom, gentlemen were more +countenanced than the vulgar, because it was to be presumed that +their own sentiments of honour and superior qualifications would +entitle them to this pre-eminence, which had also a retrospective +view to the merit of their ancestors, in consideration of which +they were at first ennobled; but he affirmed, that the innkeeper +had misrepresented the magistracy, which, in France, never failed +to punish flagrant outrages and abuse, without respect of persons. + +The painter approved of the wisdom of the French government, in +bridling the insolence of the mob, by which, he assured them, he +had often suffered in his own person; having been often bespattered +by hackney-coachmen, jostled by draymen and porters, and reviled +in the most opprobrious terms by the watermen of London, where he +had once lost his bag and a considerable quantity of hair, which +had been cut off by some rascal in his passage through Ludgate, +during the Lord Mayor's procession. On the other hand, the doctor +with great warmth alleged, that those officers ought to suffer +death, or banishment at least, for having plundered the people in +this manner, which was so impudent and barefaced, as plainly to +prove they were certain of escaping with impunity, and that they +were old offenders in the same degree of delinquency. He said, that +the greatest man in Athens would have been condemned to perpetual +exile, and seen his estate confiscated for public use, had he dared +in such a licentious manner to violate the rights of a fellow-citizen; +and as for the little affronts to which a man may be subject from +the petulance of the multitude, he looked upon them as glorious +indications of liberty, which ought not to be repressed, and would +at any time rejoice to find himself overthrown in a kennel by the +insolence of a son of freedom, even though the fall should cost him +a limb; adding, by way of illustration, that the greatest pleasure +he ever enjoyed was in seeing a dustman wilfully overturn a +gentleman's coach, in which two ladies were bruised, even to the +danger of their lives. Pallet, shocked at the extravagance of this +declaration, "If that be the case," said he, "I wish you may see +every bone in your body broke by the first carman you meet in the +streets of London." + +This argument being discussed, and the reckoning discharged without +any deduction, although the landlord, in stating the articles, had +an eye to the loss he had sustained by his own countrymen, they +departed from Arras, and arrived in safety at Lisle, about two +o'clock in the afternoon. + +They had scarce taken possession of their lodgings, in a large hotel +in the Grande Place, when the innkeeper gave them to understand, +that he kept an ordinary below, which was frequented by several +English gentlemen who resided in town, and that dinner was then +set upon the table. Peregrine, who seized all opportunities of +observing new characters, persuaded his company to dine in public; +and they were accordingly conducted to the place, where they found +a mixture of Scotch and Dutch officers, who had come from Holland +to learn their exercises at the academy, and some gentlemen in the +French service, who were upon garrison duty in the citadel. Among +these last was a person about the age of fifty, of a remarkably +genteel air and polite address, dignified with a Maltese cross, and +distinguished by the particular veneration of all those who knew +him. When he understood that Pickle and his friends were travellers, +he accosted the youth in English, which he spoke tolerably well; +and, as they were strangers, offered to attend them in the afternoon +to all the places worth seeing in Lisle. Our hero thanked him for +his excess of politeness, which, he said, was peculiar to the French +nation; and, struck with his engaging appearance, industriously +courted his conversation, in the course of which he learned that +this chevalier was a man of good sense and great experience, that +he was perfectly well acquainted with the greatest part of Europe, +had lived some years in England, and was no stranger to the +constitution and genius of that people. + +Having dined, and drunk to the healths of the English and French +kings, two fiacres were called, in one of which the knight, with one +of his companions, the governor, and Peregrine seated themselves, +the other being occupied by the physician, Pallet, and two Scottish +officers, who proposed to accompany them in their circuit. The +first place they visited was the citadel, round the ramparts of +which they walked, under the conduct of the knight, who explained +with great accuracy the intention of every particular fortification +belonging to that seemingly impregnable fortress; and, when they +had satisfied their curiosity, took coach again, in order to view +the arsenal, which stands in another quarter of the town; but, +just as Pickle's carriage had crossed the promenade, he heard his +own name bawled aloud by the painter; and, ordering the fiacre to +stop, saw Pallet, with one half of his body thrust out at the window +of the other coach, crying, with a terrified look, "Mr. Pickle, Mr. +Pickle, the for the love of God halt, and prevent bloodshed, else +here will be carnage and cutting of throats." Peregrine, surprised +at this exclamation, immediately alighted, and, advancing to the +other vehicle, found one of their military companions standing +upon the ground, at the farther side of the coach, with his sword +drawn, and fury in his countenance; and the physician, with a +quivering lip, and haggard aspect, struggling with the other, who +had interposed in the quarrel, and detained him in his place. + +Our young gentleman, upon inquiry, found that this animosity had +sprung from a dispute that happened upon the ramparts, touching +the strength of the fortification, which the doctor, according to +custom, undervalued, because it was a modern work; saying, that +by the help of the military engines used among the ancients, and a +few thousands of pioneers, he would engage to take it in less than +ten days after he should sit down before it. The North Briton, who +was as great a pedant as the physician, having studied fortification, +and made himself master of Caesar's Commentaries and Polybius, +with the observations of Folard, affirmed, that all the methods of +besieging practised by the ancients would be utterly ineffectual +against such a plan as that of the citadel of Lisle; and began to +compare the vineae, aggeres, arietes, scorpiones, and catapultae of +the Romans, with the trenches, mines, batteries, and mortars used +in the present art of war. The republican, finding himself attacked +upon what he thought his strong side, summoned all his learning +to his aid; and, describing the famous siege of Plateae, happened +to misquote a passage of Thucydides, in which he was corrected by +the other, who, having been educated for the church, was also a +connoisseur in the Greek language. The doctor, incensed at being +detected in such a blunder in the presence of Pallet, who, he knew, +would promulgate his shame, told the officer, with great arrogance, +that his objection was frivolous, and that he must not pretend to +dispute on these matters with one who had considered them with the +utmost accuracy and care. His antagonist, piqued at this supercilious +insinuation, replied with great heat, that for aught he knew, the +doctor might be a very expert apothecary, but that in the art of +war, and knowledge of the Greek tongue, he was no other than an +ignorant pretender. + +This asseveration produced an answer full of virulence, including +a national reflection upon the soldier's country; and the contention +rose to mutual abuse, when it was suppressed by the admonitions +of the other two, who begged they would not expose themselves in +a strange place, but behave themselves like fellow-subjects and +friends. They accordingly ceased reviling each other, and the affair +was seemingly forgot; but after they had resumed their places in +the coach, the painter unfortunately asked the meaning of the word +tortise, which he had heard them mention among the Roman implements +of war. This question was answered by the physician, who described +the nature of this expedient so little to the satisfaction of +the officer, that he contradicted him flatly in the midst of his +explanation; a circumstance which provoked the republican to such +a degree, that, in the temerity of his passion, he uttered the +epithet, "impertinent scoundrel;" which vas no sooner pronounced +than the Caledonian made manual application to his nose, and, +leaping out of the coach, stood waiting for him on the plain; while +he, the physician, made feeble efforts to join him, being easily +retained by the other soldier; and Pallet, dreading the consequence +in which he himself might be involved, bellowed aloud for prevention. + +Our hero endeavoured to quiet the commotion by representing to the +Scot that he had already taken satisfaction for the injury he had +received, and telling the doctor that he had deserved the chastisement +which was inflicted upon him; but the officer, encouraged perhaps +by the confusion of his antagonist, insisted upon his asking pardon +for what he had said; and the doctor, believing himself under the +protection of his friend Pickle, far from agreeing to such concession, +breathed nothing but defiance and revenge; so that the chevalier, +in order to prevent mischief, put the soldier under arrest, and sent +him to his lodgings, under the care of the other French gentleman +and his own companion; they being also accompanied by Mr. Jolter, +who, having formerly seen all the curiosities of Lisle, willingly +surrendered his place to the physician. + + + + + +CHAPTER LI. + + + + +Pickle engages with a Knight of Malta, in a Conversation upon the +English Stage, which is followed by a Dissertation on the Theatres +of the Ancients, by the Doctor. + + +The rest of the company proceeded to the arsenal, which having +viewed, together with some remarkable churches, they, in their +return, went to the comedy, and saw the Cid of Corneille tolerably +well represented. In consequence of this entertainment, the discourse +at supper turned upon dramatic performances; and all the objections +of Monsieur Scudery to the piece they had seen acted, together with +the decision of the French Academy, were canvassed and discussed. +The knight was a man of letters and taste, and particularly well +acquainted with the state of the English stage; so that when the +painter boldly pronounced sentence against the French manner of +acting, on the strength of having frequented a Covent Garden club +of critics, and been often admitted, by virtue of an order, into +the pit; a comparison immediately ensued, not between the authors, +but the actors of both nations, to whom the chevalier and Peregrine +were no strangers. Our hero, like a good Englishman, made no scruple +of giving the preference to the performers of his own country, who, +he alleged, obeyed the genuine impulses of nature, in exhibiting the +passions of the human mind; and entered so warmly into the spirit +of their several parts, that they often fancied themselves the +very heroes they represented; whereas, the action of the Parisian +players, even in their most interesting characters, was generally +such an extravagance in voice and gesture, as is nowhere to be +observed but on the stage. To illustrate this assertion, he availed +himself of his talent, and mimicked the manner and voice of all +the principal performers, male and female, belonging to the French +comedy, to the admiration of the chevalier, who, having complimented +him upon this surprising modulation, begged leave to dissent in +some particulars from the opinion he had avowed. + +"That you have good actors in England," said he, "it would be unjust +and absurd in me to deny; your theatre is adorned by one woman, +whose sensibility and sweetness of voice is such as I have never +observed on any other stage; she has besides, an elegance of person +and expression of features, that wonderfully adapt her for the most +engaging characters of your best plays; and I must freely own that +I have been as highly delighted and as deeply affected by a Monimia +and Belvidera at London, as ever I was by Cornelia and Cleopatra +at Paris. Your favourite actor is a surprising genius. You can, +moreover, boast of several comic actors who are perfect masters +of buffoonery and grimace; though, to be free with you, I think in +these qualifications you are excelled by the players of Amsterdam. +Yet one of your graciosos I cannot admire, in all the characters he +assumes. His utterance is a continual sing-song, like the chanting +of vespers; and his action resembles that of heaving ballast into +the hold of a ship. In his outward deportment he seems to have +confounded the ideas of insolence and the dignity of mien; acts the +crafty cool, designing Crookback, as a loud, shallow, blustering +Hector; in the character of the mild patriot Brutus, loses all +temper and decorum; nay, so ridiculous is the behaviour of him and +Cassius at their interview, that, setting foot to foot, and grinning +at each other, with the aspect of two cobblers engaged, they thrust +their left sides together, with repeated shoots, that the hilts of +their swords may clash for the entertainment of the audience; as +if they were a couple of merry andrews, endeavouring to raise the +laugh of the vulgar, on some scaffold of Bartholomew Fair. The +despair of a great man, who falls a victim to the infernal practices +of a subtle traitor who enjoyed his confidence, this English Aesopus +represents, by beating his own forehead, and beating like a bull; +and, indeed, in almost all his most interesting scenes, performs +such strange shakings of the head, and other antic gesticulations, +that when I first saw him act, I imagined the poor man laboured +under the paralytical disorder, which is known by the name of St. +Vitus's dance. In short, he seems to be a stranger to the more +refined sensations of the soul, consequently his expression is of +the vulgar kind, and he must often sink under the idea of the poet; +so that he has recourse to such violence of affected agitation, as +imposes upon the undiscerning spectator; but to the eye of taste, +evinces him a mere player of that class whom your admired Shakespeare +justly compares to Nature's journeyman tearing a passion to rags. +Yet this man, in spite of all these absurdities, is an admirable +Falstaff, exhibits the character of the eighth Henry to the life, +is reasonably applauded in the Plain Dealer, excels in the part +of Sir John Brute, and would be equal to many humorous situations +in low comedy, which his pride will not allow him to undertake. +I should not have been so severe upon this actor, had I not seen +him extolled by his partisans with the most ridiculous and fulsome +manifestations of praise, even in those very circumstances wherein +(as I have observed) he chiefly failed." + +Peregrine, not a little piqued to hear the qualifications of +such a celebrated actor in England treated with such freedom and +disrespect, answered, with some asperity, that the chevalier was +a true critic, more industrious in observing the blemishes than in +acknowledging the excellence of those who fell under his examination. + +It was not to be supposed that one actor could shine equally in +all characters; and though his observations were undoubtedly very +judicious, he himself could not help wondering that some of them +had always escaped his notice, though he had been an assiduous +frequenter of the playhouse. "The player in question," said he, "has, +in your own opinion, considerable share of merit in the characters +of comic life; and as to the manners of the great personages +in tragedy, and the operation of the grand passions of the soul, +I apprehend they may be variously represented, according to the +various complexion and cultivation of different men, A Spaniard, +for example, though impelled by the same passion, will express +it very differently from a Frenchman; and what is looked upon as +graceful vivacity and address by the one, would be considered as +impertinence and foppery by the other; nay, so opposite is your +common deportment from that of some other nations, that one of our +own countrymen, in the relation of his travels, observes, that the +Persians even of this age, when they see any man perform unnecessary +gestures, says he is either a fool or Frenchman. The standard +of demeanour being thus unsettled, a Turk, a Moor, an Indian, or +inhabitant of my country whose customs and dress are widely different +from ours, may, in his sentiments, possess all the dignity of the +human heart, and be inspired by the noblest passion that animates +the soul, and yet excite the laughter rather than the respect of +an European spectator. + +"When I first beheld your famous Parisian stage heroine in one +of her principal parts, her attitudes seemed so violent, and she +tossed her arms around with such extravagance, that she put me in +mind of a windmill under the agitation of a hard gale; while her +voice and features exhibited the lively representation of an English +scold. The action of your favourite male performer was, in my +opinion, equally unnatural: he appeared with the affected airs of +a dancing-master; at the most pathetic junctures of his fate he +lifted up his hands above his head, like a tumbler going to vault, +and spoke as if his throat had been obstructed by a hair-brush: +yet, when I compared their manners with those of the people before +whom they performed, and made allowance for that exaggeration +which obtains on all theatres, I was insensibly reconciled to their +method of performance, and I could distinguish abundance of merit +beneath that oddity of appearance." + +The chevalier, perceiving Peregrine a little irritated at what he +had said, asked pardon for the liberty he had taken in censuring +the English players; assuring him that he had an infinite veneration +for the British learning, genius, and taste, which were so justly +distinguished in the world of letters; and that, notwithstanding +the severity of his criticism, he thought the theatre of London +much better supplied with actors than that of Paris. The young +gentleman thanked him for his polite condescension, at which Pallet +excited, saying, with a shake of the head, "I believe so, too, +Monsieur;" and the physician, impatient of the dispute in which +he had borne no share, observed, with a supercilious air, that the +modern stage was altogether beneath one who had an idea of ancient +magnificence and execution; that plays ought to be exhibited at the +expense of the state, as those of Sophocles were by the Athenians; +and that proper judges should be appointed for receiving or rejecting +all such performances as are offered to the public. + +He then described the theatre at Rome, which contained eighty +thousand spectators; gave them a learned disquisition into the +nature of the persona, or mask, worn by the Roman actors, which, +he said, was a machine that covered the whole head, furnished on +the inside with a brazen concavity, that, by reverberating, the +sound, as it issued from the mouth, raised the voice, so as to +render it audible to such an extended audience. He explained the +difference between the saltator and declamator, one of whom acted, +while the other rehearsed the part; and from thence took occasion +to mention the perfection of their pantomimes, who were so amazingly +distinct in the exercise of their art, that a certain prince of +Pontus, being at the court of Nero, and seeing one of them represent +a story, begged him of the emperor, in order to employ him as +an interpreter among barbarous nations, whose language he did not +understand. Nay, divers cynic philosophers, who had condemned this +entertainment unseen, when they chanced to be eye-witnesses of +their admirable dexterity, expressed their sorrow for having so +long debarred themselves of such national enjoyment. + +He dissented, however, from the opinion of Peregrine, who, as a +proof of their excellence, had advanced that some of the English +actors fancied themselves the very thing they represented; and +recounted a story from Lucian, of a certain celebrated pantomime, +who, in, acting the part of Ajax in his frenzy, was transported +into a real fit of delirium, during which he tore to pieces the +clothes of that actor who stalked before him, beating the stage with +iron shoes, in order to increase the noise; snatched an instrument +from one of the musicians, and broke it over the head of him who +represented Ulysses; and, running to the consular bench, mistook +a couple of senators for the sheep which were to be slain. The +audience applauded him to the skies: but so conscious was the mimic +of his own extravagance when he recovered the use of his reason, +that he actually fell sick with mortification; and being afterwards +desired to re-act the piece, flatly refused to appear in any such +character, saying that the shortest follies were the best, and that +it was sufficient for him to have been a madman once in his life. + + + + + +CHAPTER LII. + + + + +An Adventure happens to Pipes, in consequence of which he is +dismissed from Peregrine's Service--The whole Company set out for +Ghent, in the Diligence--Our Hero is captivated by a Lady in that +Carriage--Interests her spiritual Director in his behalf. + + +The doctor being fairly engaged on the subject of the ancients, +would have proceeded the Lord knows how far, without hesitation, +had not he been interrupted by the arrival of Mr. Jolter, who, in +great confusion, told them that Pipes, having affronted a soldier, +was then surrounded in the street, and certainly would be put to +death if some person of authority did not immediately interpose in +his behalf. + +Peregrine no sooner learned the danger of his trusty squire, than, +snatching up his sword, he ran down-stairs, and was followed by the +chevalier, entreating him to leave the affair to his management. +Within ten yards of the door they found Tom, with his back to a wall, +defending himself with a mopstick against the assault of three or +four soldiers, who, at sight of the Maltese cross, desisted from +the attack, and were taken into custody by order of the knight. +One of the aggressors, being an Irishman, begged to be heard with +great importunity before he should be sent to the guard; and, by +the mediation of Pickle, was accordingly brought into the hotel +with his companions, all three bearing upon their heads and faces +evident marks of their adversary's prowess and dexterity. The spokesman, +being confronted with Pipes, informed the company that, having by +accident met with Mr. Pipes, whom he considered as his countryman, +though fortune had disposed of them in different services, he +invited him to drink a glass of wine, and accordingly carried him +to a cabaret, where he introduced him to his comrades; but in the +course of the conversation, which turned upon the power and greatness +of the kings of France and England, Mr. Pipes had been pleased to +treat his most Christian Majesty with great disrespect; and when +he, the entertainer, expostulated with him in a friendly manner +about his impolite behaviour, observing, that he, being in the +French service, would be under the necessity of resenting his abuse +if he did not put a stop to it before the other gentlemen of the +cloth should comprehend his meaning; he had set them all three at +defiance, dishonoured him in particular with the opprobrious epithet +of rebel to his native king and country, and even drunk, in broken +French, to the perdition of Louis and all his adherents; that, +compelled by this outrageous conduct, he, as the person who had +recommended him to their society, had, in vindication of his own +character, demanded of the delinquent, who, on pretence of fetching +a sword, had gone to his lodging, from whence he all of a sudden +sallied upon them with the mopstick, which he employed in the +annoyance of them all without distinction, so that they were obliged +to draw in their own defence. + +Pipes, being questioned by his master with regard to the truth of +this account, owned that every circumstance was justly represented; +saying, he did not value their cheese-toasters a pinch of oakum; +and that if the gentleman had not shot in betwixt them, he would +have trimmed them to such a tune, that they should not have had +a whole yard to square. Peregrine reprimanded him sharply for his +unmannerly behaviour, and insisted upon his asking pardon of those +he had injured upon the spot: but no consideration was efficacious +enough to produce such concession; to this command he was both +deaf and dumb; and the repeated threats of his master had no more +effect than if they had been addressed to a marble statue. At +length, our hero, incensed at his obstinacy, started up, and would +have chastised him with manual operation, had not he been prevented +by the chevalier, who found means to moderate his indignation so +far that he contented himself with dismissing the offender from his +service; and after having obtained the discharge of the prisoners, +gave them a louis to drink, by way of recompense for the disgrace +and damage they had sustained. + +The knight, perceiving our young gentleman very much ruffled at +this accident, and reflecting upon the extraordinary deportment +and appearance of his valet, whose hair had by this time adopted +a grizzled hue, imagined he was some favourite domestic, who had +grown gray in the service of his master's family, and that, of +consequence, he was uneasy at the sacrifice he had made. Swayed by +this conjecture, he earnestly solicited in his behalf; but all he +could obtain, was a promise of re-admitting him into favour on the +terms already proposed, or at least on condition that he should +make his acknowledgment to the chevalier, for his want of reverence +and respect for the French monarch. + +Upon this condescension the culprit was called up-stairs, and made +acquainted with the mitigation of his fate; upon which he said, +he would down on his marrow-bones to his own master, but would be +d--d before he would ask pardon of e'er a Frenchman in Christendom. +Pickle, exasperated at this blunt declaration, ordered him out of +his presence, and charged him never to appear before his face again; +while the officer in vain employed all his influence and address +to appease his resentment, and about midnight took his leave with +marks of mortification at his want of success. + +Next day the company agreed to travel through Flanders in the +diligence, by the advice of Peregrine, who was not without hope +of meeting with some adventure or amusement in that carriage; and +Jolter took care to secure places for them all; it being resolved +that the valet-de-chambre and the doctor's man should attend the +vehicle on horseback; and as for the forlorn Pipes, he was left to +reap the fruits of his own stubborn disposition, notwithstanding +the united efforts of the whole triumvirate, who endeavoured to +procure his pardon. + +Every previous measure being thus taken, they set out from Lisle +about six in the morning, and found themselves in the company of +a female adventurer, a very handsome young lady, a Capuchin, and a +Rotterdam Jew. Our young gentleman, being the first of this society +that entered, surveyed the stranger with an attentive eye, and +seated himself immediately behind the beautiful unknown, who at +once attracted his attention. Pallet, seeing another lady unengaged, +in imitation of his friend, took possession of her neighbourhood; +the physician paired with the priest, and Jolter sat down by the +Jew. + +The machine had not proceeded many furlongs, when Pickle, accosting +the fair incognita, congratulated himself upon his happiness, in +being the fellow-traveller of so charming a lady. She, without the +least reserve or affectation, thanked him for his compliment; and +replied, with a sprightly air, that now they were embarked in one +common bottom, they must club their endeavours to make one another +as happy as the nature of their situation would permit them to be. +Encouraged by this frank intimation, and captivated by her fine +black eyes and easy behaviour, he attached himself to her from +that moment; and, in a little time, the conversation became so +particular, that the Capuchin thought proper to interfere in the +discourse in such a manner as gave the youth to understand that +he was there on purpose to superintend her conduct. He was doubly +rejoiced at this discovery, in consequence of which he hoped to +profit in his addresses, not only by the young lady's restraint, +that never fails to operate in behalf of the lover, but also by the +corruptibility of her guardian, whom he did not doubt of rendering +propitious to his cause. Flushed with these expectations, he behaved +with uncommon complacency to the father, who was charmed with the +affability of his carriage, and on the faith of his generosity +abated of his vigilance so much, that our hero carried on his suit +without further molestation; while the painter, in signs and loud +bursts of laughter, conversed with his dulcinea, who was perfectly +well versed in these simple expressions of satisfaction, and had +already found means to make a dangerous invasion upon his heart. + +Nor were the governor and physician unemployed, while their +friends interested themselves in this agreeable manner. Jolter no +sooner perceived the Hollander was a Jew, than he entered into an +investigation of the Hebrew tongue, in which he was a connoisseur; +and the doctor at the same time attacked the mendicant on the +ridiculous maxims of his order, together with the impositions of +priestcraft in general, which, he observed, prevailed so much among +those who profess the Roman Catholic religion. + +Thus coupled, each committee enjoyed their own conversation apart, +without any danger of encroachment; and all were so intent upon +their several topics, that they scarce allowed themselves a small +interval in viewing the desolation of Menin, as they passed through +that ruined frontier. About twelve o'clock they arrived at Courtray, +where the horses are always changed, and the company halt an hour +for refreshment. Here Peregrine handed his charmer into an apartment, +where she was joined by the other lady; and on pretence of seeing +some of the churches in town, put himself under the direction of the +Capuchin, from whom he learned that the lady was wife to a French +gentleman, to whom she had been married about a year, and that she +was now on her journey to visit her mother, who lived in Brussels, +and was at that time laboured under a lingering distemper, which, +in all probability, would soon put a period to her life. He +then launched out in praise of her daughter's virtue and conjugal +affection; and, lastly, told him, that he was her father-confessor, +and pitched upon to be her conductor through Flanders, by her +husband, as well as his wife, placed the utmost confidence in his +prudence and integrity. + +Pickle easily comprehended the meaning of this insinuation, and +took the hint accordingly. He tickled the priest's vanity with +extraordinary encomiums upon the disinterested principles of his +order, which were detached from all worldly pursuits, and altogether +devoted to the eternal salvation of mankind. He applauded their +patience, humility, and learning, and lavished a world of praise +upon their talent in preaching, which, he said, had more than once +operated so powerfully upon him, that had he not been restrained +by certain considerations which he could not possibly waive, he +should have embraced their tenets, and begged admission into their +fraternity: but, as the circumstances of his fate would not permit +him to take such a salutary measure for the present, he entreated +the good father to accept a small token of his love and respect, +for the benefit of that convent to which he belonged. So saying. +he pulled out a purse of ten guineas, which the Capuchin observing, +turned his head another way, and, lifting up his arm, displayed +a pocket almost as high as his collar-bone, in which he deposited +the money. + +This proof of affection for the order produced a sudden and surprising +effect upon the friar. In the transport of his zeal he wrung this +semi-convert's hand, showered a thousand benedictions upon his +head, and exhorted him, with the tears flowing from his eyes, to +perfect the great work which the finger of God had begun in his +heart; and, as an instance of his concern for the welfare of his +precious soul, the holy brother promised to recommend him strenuously +to the pious admonitions of the young woman under his care, who +was a perfect saint upon earth, and endowed with a peculiar gift +of mollifying the hearts of obdurate sinners. "0 father!" cried the +hypocritical projector, who by this time perceived that his money +was not thrown away, "if I could be favoured but for one half hour +with the private instruction of that inspired devotee, my mind +presages, that I should be a strayed sheep brought back into the +fold, and that I should find easy entrance at the gates of heaven! +There is something supernatural in her aspect: I gaze upon her with +the most pious fervour, and my whole soul is agitated with tumults +of hope and despair!" + +Having pronounced this rhapsody with transport half natural and half +affected, the priest assured him, that these were the operations of +the Spirit, which must not be repressed; and comforted him with the +hope of enjoying the blessed interview which he desired, protesting, +that, as far as his influence extended, his wish should be that very +evening indulged. The gracious pupil thanked him for his benevolent +concern, which he swore should not be squandered upon an ungrateful +object; and the rest of the company interrupting the conversation, +they returned in a body to the inn, where they dined all together, +and the ladies were persuaded to be our hero's guests. + +As the subjects on which they had been engaged before dinner were +not exhausted, each brace resumed their former theme when they +were replaced in the diligence. The painter's mistress finished her +conquest, by exerting her skill in the art of ogling, accompanied +by frequent bewitching sighs and some tender French songs, that she +sang with such pathetic expression, as quite melted the resolution +of Pallet, and utterly subdued his affection. And he, to convince +her of the importance of her victory, gave a specimen of his own +talents, by entertaining her with that celebrated English ditty, +the burden of which begins with, "The pigs they lie with their a--s +bare." + + + + + +CHAPTER LIII. + + + + +He makes some Progress in her Affections--Is interrupted by a Dispute +between Jolter and the Jew--Appeases the Wrath of the Capuchin, who +procures for him an interview with his fair Enslaver, in which he +finds himself deceived. + + +Peregrine, meanwhile, employed all his insinuation and address in +practising upon the heart of the Capuchin's fair charge. He had +long ago declared his passion, not in the superficial manner of a +French gallant, but with all the ardour of an enthusiast. He had +languished, vowed, flattered, kissed her hand by stealth, and had +no reason to complain of his reception. Though, by a man of a less +sanguine disposition, her particular complaisance would have been +deemed equivocal, and perhaps nothing more than the effects of French +breeding and constitutional vivacity; he gave his own qualifications +credit for the whole, and with these sentiments carried on the +attack with such unabating vigour, that she was actually prevailed +upon to accept a ring, which he presented as a token of his esteem; +and everything proceeded in a most prosperous train, when they were +disturbed by the governor Israelite, who, in the heat of disputation, +raised their voices, and poured forth such effusions of gutturals, +as set our lover's teeth on edge. As they spoke in a language +unknown to every one in the carriage but themselves, and looked at +each other with mutual animosity and rancour, Peregrine desired to +know the cause of their contention; upon which Jolter exclaimed, in +a furious tone, "This learned Levite, forsooth, has the impudence +to tell me that I don't understand Hebrew; and affirms that the +word Benoni signifies "child of joy;" whereas, I can prove, and +have already said enough to convince any reasonable man, that in +the Septuagint it is rightly translated into 'son of my sorrow.'" + +Having thus explained himself to his pupil, he turned to the priest, +with intention to appeal to his determination; but the Jew pulled +him by the sleeve with great eagerness, saying, "For the love of God, +be quiet: the Capuchin will discover who we are." Joker, offended +at this conjunction, echoed, "Who we are!" with great emphasis; and +repeating nos poma natamus, asked ironically, to which of the tribes +the Jew thought he belonged? The Levite, affronted at his comparing +him to a ball of horse-dung, replied, with a most significant grin, +"To the tribe of Issachar." His antagonist, taking the advantage of +his unwillingness to be known by the friar, and prompted by revenge +for the freedom he had used, answered, in the French language, +that the judgment of God was still manifest upon their whole race, +not only in their being in the state of exiles from their native +land, but also in the spite of their hearts and pravity of their +dispositions, which demonstrate them to be the genuine offspring +of those who crucified the Saviour of the world. + +His expectation was, however, defeated: the priest himself was +too deeply engaged to attend to the debates of other people. The +physician, in the pride and insolence of his learning, had undertaken +to display the absurdity of the Christian faith; having already, +as he thought, confuted the Capuchin, touching the points of belief +in which the Roman Catholics differ from the rest of the world. +But not cemented with the imagined victory he bed gained, he began +to strike at the fundamentals of religion; and the father, with +incredible forbearance, suffered him to make very free with the +doctrine of the Trinity: but, when he leveled the shafts of his +ridicule at the immaculate conception of the Blessed Virgin, the +good man's patience forsook him, his eyes seemed to kindle with +indignation, he trembled in every joint, and uttered, with a loud +voice, "You are an abominable--I will not call thee heretic, for +thou art worse, if possible, than a Jew; you deserve to be inclosed +in a furnace seven times heated; and I have a good mind to lodge +an information against you with the governor of Ghent, that you +may be apprehended and punished as an impious blasphemer." + +This menace operated like a charm upon all present. The doctor was +confounded, the governor dismayed, the Levite's teeth chattered, +the painter astonished at the general confusion, the cause of which +he could not comprehend, and Pickle himself, not a little alarmed, +was obliged to use all his interest and assiduity in appeasing this +son of the church, who, at length, in consideration of the friendship +he professed for the young gentleman, consented to forgive what +had passed, but absolutely refused to sit in contact with such a +profane wretch, whom he looked upon as a fiend of darkness, sent by +the enemy of mankind to poison the minds of weak people; so that, +after having crossed himself. and uttered certain exorcisms, +he insisted upon the doctor's changing places with the Jew, who +approached the offended ecclesiastic in an agony of fear. + +Matters being thus compromised, the conversation flowed in a more +general channel; and without the intervention of any other accident +or bone of contention, the carriage arrived at the city of Ghent +about seven in the evening. Supper being bespoken for the whole +company, our adventurer and his friends went out to take a superficial +view of the place, leaving his new mistress to the pious exhortations +of her confessor, whom, as we have already observed, he had secured +in his interest. This zealous mediator spoke so warmly in his +commendation, and interested her conscience so much in the affair, +that she could not refuse her helping hand to the great work of +his conversion, and promised to grant the interview he desired. + +This agreeable piece of intelligence, which the Capuchin communicated +to Peregrine at his return, elevated his spirits to such a degree, +that he shone at supper with uncommon brilliance, in a thousand +sallies of wit and pleasantry, to the delight of all present, +especially of his fair Fleming, who seemed quite captivated by his +person and behaviour. The evening being thus spent to the satisfaction +of all parties, the company broke up, and retired to their several +apartments, where our lover, to his unspeakable mortification, +learned that the two ladies were obliged to be in the same room, +all the other chambers of the inn being pre-occupied. When he +imparted this difficulty to the priest, that charitable father, +who was very fruitful in expedients, assured him that his spiritual +concerns should not be obstructed by such a slender impediment; +and accordingly availed himself of his prerogative, by going into +his daughter's chamber when she was almost undressed, and leading +her into his own, on pretence of administering salutary food for +her soul. Having brought the two votaries together, he prayed for +success to the operations of grace, and left them to their mutual +meditations, after having conjured them in the most solemn manner +to let no impure sentiments or temptations of the flesh interfere +with the hallowed design of their meeting. + +The reverend intercessor being gone, and the door fastened on the +inside, the pseudo-convert, transported with his passion, threw +himself at his Amanda's feet; and begging she would spare him the +tedious form of addresses, which the nature of their interview +would not permit him to observe, began, with all the impetuosity of +love, to make the most of the occasion. But whether she was displeased +by the intrepidity and assurance of his behaviour, thinking herself +entitled to more courtship and respect; or was really better +fortified with chastity than he or his procurer had supposed her +to be; certain it is, she expressed resentment and surprise at his +boldness and presumption, and upbraided him with having imposed upon +the charity of the friar. The young gentleman was really as much +astonished at this rebuff, as she pretended to be at his declaration, +and earnestly entreated her to consider how precious the moments +were, and for once sacrifice superfluous ceremony to the happiness +of one who adored her with such a flame as could not fail to consume +his vitals, if she would not deign to bless him with her favour. + +Notwithstanding all his tears, vows, and supplications, his personal +accomplishments, and the tempting opportunity, all that he could +obtain was an acknowledgment of his having made an impression upon +her heart, which she hoped the dictates of her duty would enable +her to erase. This confession he considered as a delicate consent; +and, obeying the impulse of his love, snatched her up in his arms, +with an intention of seizing that which she declined to give; when +this French Lucretia, unable to defend her virtue any other way, +screamed aloud; and the Capuchin, setting his shoulder to the door, +forced it open, and entered in an affected ecstasy of amazement. +He lifted up his hands and eyes, and pretended to be thunderstruck +at the discovery he had made; then in broken exclamations, professed +his horror at the wicked intention of our hero, who had covered +such a damnable scheme with the mask of religion. + +In short, he performed his cue with such dexterity, that the lady, +believing him to be in earnest, begged he would forgive the stranger +on account of his youth and education, which had been tainted by +the errors of heresy; and he was on these considerations content +to accept the submission of our hero; who, far from renouncing his +expectations, notwithstanding this mortifying repulse, confided +so much in his own talents, and the confession which his mistress +had made, that he resolved to make another effort, to which nothing +could have prompted him but the utmost turbulence of unruly desire. + + + + + +CHAPTER LIV. + + + + +He makes another Effort to towards the Accomplishment of his Wish, +which is postponed by a strange Accident. + + +He directed his valet-de-chambre, who was a thorough-paced pimp, +to kindle some straw in the yard, and then pass by the door of her +apartment, crying with a loud voice that the house was on fire. +This alarm brought both ladies out of their chamber in a moment, +and Peregrine, taking the advantage of their running to the street +door, entered the room, concealed himself under a large table that +stood in an unobserved corner. The nymphs, as soon as they understood +the cause of his Mercury's supposed affright, returned to their +apartment, and, having said their prayers, undressed themselves, +and went to bed. This scene, which fell under the observation of +Pickle, did not at all contribute to the cooling of his concupiscence, +but on the contrary inflamed him to such a degree, that he could +scarce restrain his impatience, until, by her breathing deep, he +concluded the fellow-lodger of his Amanda was asleep. This welcome +note no sooner saluted his ears, than he crept to his charmer's +bedside, and placing himself on his knees, gently laid hold on +her white hand, and pressed it to his lips. She had just begun to +close her eyes, and enjoy the agreeable oppression of slumber, when +she was roused by this rape, at which she started, pronouncing, in +a tone of surprise and dismay, "My God! who's that?" + +The lover, with the most insinuating humility, besought her to hear +him; vowing that his intention, in approaching her thus, was not +to violate the laws of decency, or that indelible esteem which she +had engraved on his heart; but to manifest his sorrow and contrition +for the umbrage he had given, to pour forth the overflowings of +his soul, and tell her that he neither could nor would survive her +displeasure. These and many more pathetic protestations, accompanied +with sighs and tears and other expressions of grief, which our +hero had at command, could not fail to melt the tender heart of +the Fleming, already prepossessed in favour of his qualifications. +She sympathized so much with his affliction, as to weep in her +turn, when she represented the impossibility of her rewarding his +passion; and he, seizing the moment, reinforced his solicitations +with such irresistible transports, that her resolution gave way, +she began to breathe quick, expressed her fear of being overheard +by the other lady, with an ejaculation of "O heavens! I'm undone," +suffered him, after a faint struggle, to make a lodgment upon the +covered way of her bed. Her honour, however, was secured for the +present, by a strange sort of knocking upon the wainscot, at the +other end of the room, hard by the bed in which the female adventurer +lay. + +Surprised at this circumstance, the lady begged him for heaven's +sake to retreat, or her reputation would be ruined for ever; but +when he represented to her, that her character would run a much +greater risk if he should be detected in withdrawing, she consented, +with great trepidation, to his stay, and they listened in silence +to the sequel of the noise that alarmed them. This was no other +than an expedient of the painter to awaken his dulcinea, with whom +he had made an assignation, or at least interchanged such signals +as he thought amounted to a firm appointment. His nymph, being +disturbed in her first sleep, immediately understood the sound, and, +true to the agreement, rose; and, unbolting the door, as softly +as possible, gave him admittance; leaving it open for his more +commodious retreat. + +While this happy gallant was employed in disengaging himself from +the deshabille in which he had entered, the Capuchin, suspecting +that Peregrine would make another attempt upon his charge, had +crept silently to the apartment in order to reconnoitre, lest the +adventure should be achieved without his knowledge; a circumstance +that would deprive him of the profits he might expect from his +privity and concurrence. Finding the door unlatched, his suspicion +was confirmed, and he made no scruple of creeping into the chamber +on all four; so that the painter, having stripped himself to the +shirt, in groping about for his dulcinea's bed, chanced to lay his +hand upon the shaven crown of the father's head, which, by a circular +motion, the priest began to turn round in his grasp, like a ball +in a socket, to the surprise and consternation of poor Pallet, who, +neither having penetration to comprehend the case, nor resolution +to withdraw his fingers from this strange object of his touch, stood +sweating in the dark, and venting ejaculations with great devotion. + +The friar, tired with this exercise, and the painful posture in +which he stooped, raised himself gradually upon his feet, heaving +up at the same time the hand of the painter, whose terror and amazement +increased to such a degree at this unaccountable elevation, that +his faculties began to fail; and his palm, in the confusion of +his fright, sliding over the priest's forehead, one of his fingers +happened to slip into his mouth, and was immediately secured +between the Capuchin's teeth with as firm a fixture as if it had +been screwed in a blacksmith's vice. + +The painter was so much disordered by this sudden snap, which +tortured him to the bone, that, forgetting all other considerations, +he roared aloud, "Murder! a fire! a trap, a trap! help, Christians, for +the love of God, help!" Our hero, confounded by these exclamation, +which he knew would soon fill the room with spectators, and +incensed at his own mortifying disappointment, was obliged to quit +the untasted banquet, and, approaching the cause of his misfortune, +just as his tormentor had thought proper to release his finger, +discharged such a hearty slap between his shoulders, as brought him +to the ground with hideous bellowing; then, retiring unperceived +to his own chamber, was one of the first who returned with a light, +on pretence of having been alarmed with his cries. The Capuchin had +taken the same precaution, and followed Peregrine into the room, +pronouncing benedicite, and crossing himself with many marks of +astonishment. The physician and Jolter appearing at the same time, +the unfortunate painter was found lying naked on the floor, in all +the agony of horror and dismay, blowing upon his left hand, that +hung dangling from the elbow. The circumstance of his being found +in that apartment, and the attitude of his affliction, which was +extremely ridiculous, provoked the doctor to a smile, and produced +a small relaxation in the severity of the governor's countenance; +while Pickle, testifying his surprise and concern, lifted him from +the ground, and inquired into the cause of his present situation. + +Having, after some recollection, and fruitless endeavours to speak, +recovered the use of his tongue, he told them that the house was +certainly haunted by evil spirits, by which he had been conveyed, +he knew not how, into that apartment, and afflicted with all the +tortures of hell: that one of them had made itself sensible to his +feeling, in the shape of a round ball of smooth flesh, which turned +round under his hand, like an astronomer's globe; and then, rising +up to a surprising height, was converted into a machine that laid +hold on his finger, by a snap; and having pinned him to the spot, +he continued for some moments in unspeakable agony. At last, he said, +the engine seemed to melt away from his finger, and he received a +sudden thwack upon his shoulders, as if discharged by the arm of +a giant, which overthrew him in an instant upon the floor. + +The priest, hearing this strange account, pulled out of one of his +pouches a piece of consecrated candle, which he lighted immediately, +and muttered certain mysterious conjurations. Jolter, imagining +that Pallet was drunk, shook his head, saying, he believed the +spirit was nowhere but in his own brain. The physician for once +condescended to be a wag, and, looking towards one of the beds, +observed, that, in his opinion, the painter had been misled by +the flesh, and not by the spirit. The fair Fleming lay in silent +astonishment and affright; and her fellow in order to acquit herself +of all suspicion, exclaimed with incredible volubility against +the author of this uproar, who, she did not doubt, had concealed +himself in the apartment with a view of perpetuating some wicked +attempt upon her precious virtue, and was punished and prevented +by the immediate interposition of heaven. At her desire, therefore, +and at the earnest solicitation of the other lady, he was conducted +to his own bed; and the chamber being evacuated, they locked their +door, fully resolved to admit no more visitants for that night: +while Peregrine, mad with seeing the delicious morsel snatched, +as it were, from his very lip, stalked through the passage like +a ghost, in hope of finding some opportunity of re-entering; till +the day beginning to break, he was obliged to retire, cursing the +idiotical conduct of the painter, which had so unluckily interfered +with his delight. + + + + + +CHAPTER LV. + + + + +They depart from Ghent--Our Hero engages in a Political Dispute +with his Mistress, whom he offends, and pacifies with Submission--He +practises an Expedient to detain the Carriage at Alost, and confirms +the Priest in his Interest. + + +Next day, about one o'clock, after having seen everything remarkable +in town, and been present at the execution of two youths, who were +hanged for ravishing a w--, they took their departure from Ghent +in the same carriage which had brought them thither; and the +conversation turning upon the punishment they had seen inflicted, +the Flemish beauty expressed great sympathy and compassion for +the unhappy sufferers, who, as she had been informed, had fallen +victims to the malice of the accuser. Her sentiments were espoused +by all the company, except the French lady of pleasure, who, thinking +the credit of the sisterhood concerned in the affair, bitterly +inveighed against the profligacy of the age, and particularly +the base and villainous attempts of man upon the chastity of the +weaker sex; saying, with a look of indignation directed to the +painter, that for her own part she should never be able to manifest +the acknowledgment she owed to Providence, for having protected her +last night from the wicked aims of unbridled lust. This observation +introduced a series of jokes at the expense of Pallet, who hung +his ears, and sat with a silent air of dejection, fearing that, +through the malevolence of the physician, his adventure might +reach the ears of his wife. Indeed, though we have made shift to +explain the whole transaction to the reader, it was an inextricable +mystery to every individual in the diligence, because the part which +was acted by the Capuchin was known to himself alone, and even he +was utterly ignorant of Pickle's being concerned in the affair; so +that the greatest share of the painter's sufferings were supposed +to be the exaggerations of his own extravagant imagination. + +In the midst of their discourse on this extraordinary subject, +the driver told them that they were now on the very spot where +a detachment of the allied army had been intercepted and cut off +by the French: and, stopping the vehicle, entertained them with a +local description of the battle of Melle. Upon this occasion, the +Flemish lady, who, since her marriage, had become a keen partisan +for the French, gave a minute detail of all the circumstances, as +they had been represented to her by her husband's brother, who was +in the action. This account, which sunk the number of the French +to sixteen, and raised that of the allies to twenty thousand men, +was so disagreeable to truth, as well as to the laudable partiality +of Peregrine, that he ventured to contradict her assertions, and +a fierce dispute commenced, that not only regarded the present +question, but also comprehended all the battles in which the Duke +of Marlborough had commanded against Louis the Fourteenth. In the +course of these debates, she divested the great general of all the +glory he had acquired, by affirming, that every victory he gained +was purposely lost by the French in order to bring the schemes of +Madame de Maintenon into discredit; and, as a particular instance, +alledged, that while the citadel of Lisle was besieged, Louis said, +in presence of the Dauphin, that if the allies should be obliged +to raise the siege, he would immediately declare his marriage +with that lady; upon which, the son sent private orders to Marshal +Boufflers to surrender the place. + +This strange allegation was supported by the asseveration of the +priest and the courtesan, and admitted as truth by the governor, +who pretended to have heard it from good authority; while the doctor +sat neutral, as one who thought it scandalous to know the history +of such modern events. The Israelite, being a true Dutchman, himself +under the banners of our hero, who, in attempting to demonstrate +the absurdity and improbability of what they had advanced, raised +such a hue and cry against himself, and, being insensibly heated +in the altercation, irritated his Amanda to such a degree, that her +charming eyes kindled with fury, and he saw great reason to think, +that if he did not fall upon some method to deprecate her wrath, she +would, in a twinkling, sacrifice all her esteem for him to her own +zeal for the glory of the French nation. Moved by this apprehension, +his ardour cooled by degrees, and he insensibly detached himself +from the argument, leaving the whole care of supporting it to the +Jew, who, finding himself deserted, was fain to yield at discretion; +so that the French remained masters of the field, and their young +heroine resumed her good humour. + +Our hero having prudently submitted to the superior intelligence +of his fair enslaver, began to be harassed with the fears of losing +her for ever; and set his invention at work, to contrive some +means of indemnifying himself for his assiduities, presents, and +the disappointment he had already undergone. On pretence of enjoying +a free air, he mounted the box, and employed his elocution and +generosity with such success, that the driver undertook to disable +the diligence from proceeding beyond the town of Alost for that +day; and, in consequence of his promise, gently overturned it when +they were but a mile short of that baiting-place. He had taken +his measures so discreetly, that this accident was attended with +no other inconvenience than a fit of fear that took possession of +the ladies, and the necessity to which they were reduced by the +declaration of the coachman, who, upon examining the carriage, +assured the company that the axle-tree had given way, and advised +them to walk forward to the inn, while he would jog after them at +a slow pace, and do his endeavour the damage should be immediately +repaired. + +Peregrine pretended to be very much concerned at what had happened, +and even cursed the driver for his inadvertency, expressing infinite +impatience to be at Brussels, and wishing that this misfortune +might not detain them another night upon the road; but when his +understrapper, according to his instructions, came afterwards to the +inn, and gave them to understand that the workman he had employed +could not possibly refit the machine in less then six hours, the +crafty youth affected to lose all temper, stormed at his emissary, +whom he reviled in the most opprobrious terms, and threatened to +cane for his misconduct. The fellow protested, with great humility, +that their being overturned was owing to the failure of the axle-tree, +and not to his want of care or dexterity in driving; though rather +than be thought the cause of incommoding him, he would inquire for +a post-chaise, in which he might depart for Brussels immediately. +This expedient Pickle rejected, unless the whole company could be +accommodated in the same manner; and he had been previously informed +by the driver that the town could not furnish more than one vehicle +of that sort. His governor, who was quite ignorant of his scheme, +represented that one night would soon be passed, and exhorted him +to bear this small disappointment with a good grace, especially as +the house seemed to be well provided for their entertainment, and +the company so much disposed to be sociable. + +The Capuchin, who had found his account in cultivating the acquaintance +of the young stranger, was not ill-pleased at this event, which +might, by protracting the term of their intercourse, yield him +some opportunity of profiting still farther by his liberality: +he therefore joined Mr. Jolter in his admonitions, congratulating +himself upon the prospect of enjoying his conversation a little longer +than he had expected. Our young gentleman received a compliment to +the same purpose from the Hebrew, who had that day exercised his +gallantry upon the French coquette, and was not without hope of +reaping the fruit of his attention, his rival, the painter, being +quite disgraced and dejected by the adventure of last night, +As for the doctor, he was too much engrossed in the contemplation +of his own importance, to interest himself in the affair or its +consequences, further than by observing, that the European powers +ought to establish public games, like those that were celebrated of +old in Greece; in which case, every state would be supplied with +such dexterous charioteers as would drive a machine, at full speed, +within a hair's breadth of a precipice, without any danger of its +being overturned. + +Peregrine could not help yielding to their remonstrances and united +complaisance, for which he thanked them in very polite terms; and +his passion seeming to subside, proposed that they should amuse +themselves in walking round the ramparts. He hoped to enjoy some +private conversation with his admired Fleming, who had the whole +day behaved with remarkable reserve. The proposal being embraced, +he, as usual, handed her into the street, and took all opportunities +of promoting his suit; but they were attended so closely by her +father-confessor, that he foresaw it would be impracticable to +accomplish his aim without the connivance of that ecclesiastic. This +he was obliged to purchase with another purse, which he offered, and +was accepted, as a charitable atonement for his criminal behaviour +during the interview which the friar had procured for the good of +his soul. The benefaction was no sooner made, than the mendicant +edged off by little and little, till he joined the rest of the +company, leaving his generous patron at full liberty to prosecute +his purpose. + +It is not to be doubted that our adventurer made a good use of this +occasion: he practised a thousand flowers of rhetoric, and actually +exhausted his whole address, in persuading her to have compassion +upon his misery, and indulge him with another private audience, +without which he should run distracted, and be guilty of extravagancies +which, in the humanity of her disposition, she would weep to see. +But, instead of complying with his request, she chid him severely +for his presumption in persecuting her with his vicious addresses: +she assured him, that although she had secured a chamber for herself +in this place, because she had no ambition to be better acquainted +with the other lady, he would be in the wrong to disturb her +with another nocturnal visit, for she was determined to deny him +admittance. The lover was comforted by this hint, which he understood +in the true acceptation; and his passion being inflamed by the +obstacles he had met with, his heart beat high with the prospect of +possession. These raptures of expectation produced an inquietude, +which disabled him from bearing that share of the conversation for +which he used to be distinguished. His behaviour at supper was a +vicissitude of startings and reveries. The Capuchin, imputing the +disorder to a second repulse from his charge, began to be invaded +with the apprehension of being obliged to refund, and in a whisper +forbade our hero to despair. + + + + + +CHAPTER LVI. + + + + +The French Coquette entraps the Heart of the Jew, against whom Pallet +enters into a Conspiracy, by which Peregrine is again disappointed, +and the Hebrew's Incontinence exposed. + + +Meanwhile the French siren, balked in her design upon her English +cully, who was so easily disheartened, and hung his ears in manifest +despondence, rather than rather than run the risk of making a voyage +that should be altogether unprofitable, resolved to practise her +charms upon the Dutch merchant. She had already made such innovation +upon his heart, that he cultivated her with peculiar complacency, +gazed upon her with a most libidinous stare, and unbended his aspect +into a grin that was truly Israelitish. The painter saw and was +offended at this correspondence, which he considered as an insult +upon his misfortune, as well as an evident preference of his rival; +and, conscious of his own timidity, swallowed an extraordinary +glass, that his invention might be stimulated, and his resolution +raised to the contrivance and execution of some scheme of revenge. +The wine failed in the expected effect, and, without inspiring +him with the plan, served only to quicken his desire of vengeance; +so that he communicated his purpose to his friend Peregrine, and +begged his assistance; but our young gentleman was too intent upon +his own affair to mind the concerns of any other person; and he +declining to be engaged in the project, Pallet had recourse to the +genius of Pickle's valet-de-chambre, who readily embarked in the +undertaking, and invented a plan, which was executed accordingly. + +The evening being pretty far advanced, and the company separated +into their respective apartments, Pickle repaired, in all the +impatience of youth and desire, to the chamber of his charmer, and, +finding the door unbolted, entered in a transport of joy. By the +light of the room, which shone through the window, he was conducted +to her bed, which he approached in the utmost agitation; and +perceiving her to all appearance asleep, essayed to wake her with +a gentle kiss; but this method proved ineffectual, because she was +determined to save herself the confusion of being an accomplice in +his guilt. He repeated the application, murmured a most passionate +salutation in her ear, and took such other gentle methods of +signifying his presence, as persuaded him that she was resolved to +sleep, in spite of all his endeavours. Flushed with this supposition, +he locked the door, in order to prevent interruption; and, stealing +himself under the clothes, set fortune at defiance, while he held +the fair creature circled in his arms. + +Nevertheless, near as he seemed to be to the happy accomplishment +of his desire, his hope was again frustrated with a fearful noise, +which in a moment awaked his Amanda in a fright, and for the present +engaged all his attention. His valet-de-chambre, whom Pallet +had consulted as a confederate in his revenge against the lady +of pleasure and her gallant, had hired of certain Bohemians, who +chanced to lodge at the inn, a jackass adorned with bells, which, +when everybody was retired to rest, and the Hebrew supposed to be +bedded with his mistress, they led upstairs into a long thoroughfare, +from which the chambers were detached on each side. The painter, +perceiving the lady's door ajar, according to his expectation, +mounted this animal, with intention to ride into the room, and +disturb the lovers in the midst of their mutual endearments; but +the ass, true to its kind, finding himself bestrid by an unknown +rider, instead of advancing in obedience to his conductor, retreated +backward to the other end of the passage, in spite of all the efforts +of the painter, who spurred, and kicked, and pummeled to no purpose. +It was the noise of this contention between Pallet and the ass +which invaded the ears of Peregrine and his mistress, neither of +whom could form the least rational conjecture about the cause of +such strange disturbance, which increased as the animal approached +their apartment. At length the bourrique's retrograde motion was +obstructed by the door, which it forced open in a twinkling, with +one kick, and entered with such complication of sound as terrified +the lady almost into a fit, and threw her lover into the utmost +perplexity and confusion. + +The painter, finding himself thus violently intruded into the +bed-chamber of he knew not whom, and dreading the resentment of +the possessor, who might discharge a pistol at him as a robber who +had broken into his apartment, was overwhelmed with consternation, +and redoubled his exertion to accomplish a speedy retreat, sweating +all the time with fear, and putting up petition to Heaven for his +safety; but his obstinate companion, regardless of his situation, +instead of submitting to his conduct, began to turn round like a +millstone, the united sound of his feet and bells producing a most +surprising concert. The unfortunate rider, whirling about in this +manner, would have quitted his seat, and left the beast to his +own amusement, but the rotation was so rapid, that the terror of +a severe fall hindered him from attempting to dismount; and, in +the desperation of his heart, he seized one of his ears, which he +pinched so unmercifully, that the creature set up his throat, and +brayed aloud. + +This hideous exclamation was no sooner heard by the fair Fleming, +already chilled with panic, and prepared with superstition, than, +believing herself visited by the devil, who was permitted to punish +her for her infidelity to the marriage-bed, she uttered a scream, +and began to repeat her pater noster with a loud voice. Her lover, +finding himself under the necessity of retiring, started up, and, +stung with the most violent pangs of rage and disappointment, ran +directly to the spot from whence this diabolical noise seemed to +proceed. There encountering the ass he discharged such a volley of +blows at him and his rider, that the creature carried him off at +a round trot, and they roared in unison all the way. Having thus +cleared the room of such disagreeable company, he went back to his +mistress, and assuring her that this was only some foolish prank +of Pallet, took his leave, with a promise of returning after the +quiet of the inn should be re-established. + +In the mean time, the noise of the bourrique, the cries of the +painter, and the lady's scream, had alarmed the whole house; and +the ass, in the precipitation of his retreat, seeing people with +lights before him, took shelter in the apartment for which he was +at first designed, just as the Levite, aroused at the uproar, had +quitted his dulcinea, and was attempting to recover his own chamber +unperceived. Seeing himself opposed by such an animal, mounted +by a tall, meagre, lantern-jawed figure, half naked, with a white +nightcap upon his head which added to the natural paleness of his +complexion,--the Jew was sorely troubled in mind and believing it +to be an apparition of Balaam and his ass, flew backward with a +nimble pace, and crept under the bed, where he lay, concealed. Mr. +Jolter and the priest, who were the foremost of those who had been +aroused by the noise, were not unmoved when they saw such a spectacle +rushing into the chamber, whence the lady of pleasure began to +shriek. The governor made a full halt, and the Capuchin discovered +no inclination to proceed. They were, however, by the pressure of +the crowd that followed them, thrust forward to the door, through +which the vision entered; and there Jolter, with great ceremony, +complimented his reverence with the pas, beseeching him to walk +in. The mendicant was too courteous and humble to accept this +pre-eminence, and a very earnest dispute ensued; during which, the +ass, in the course of his circuit, showed himself and rider, and in +a trice decided the contest; for, struck with this second glimpse, +both at one instant sprang backward with such force, as overturned +their next men, who communicated the impulse to those that stood +behind them, and these again to others; so that the whole passage +was strewed with a long file of people, that lay in a line, like +the sequel and dependence of a pack of cards. + +In the midst of this havoc, our hero returned from his own room with +an air of astonishment, asking the cause of this uproar. Receiving +such hints of intelligence as Jolter's consternation would permit +him to give, he snatched the candle out of his hand, and advanced +into the haunted chamber without hesitation, being followed by all +present, who broke forth into a long and loud peal of laughter, +when they perceived the ludicrous source of their disquiet. The +painter himself made an effort to join their mirth; but he had +been so harrowed by fear, and smarted so much with the pain of the +discipline he had received from Pickle, that be could not, with +all his endeavours, vanquish the ruefulness of his countenance. His +attempt served only to increase the awkwardness of his situation, +which was not at all mended by the behaviour of the coquette, who, +furious with her disappointment, slipped on a petticoat and bedgown, +and springing upon him, like mother Hecuba, with her nails deprived +all one side of his nose of the skin; and would not have left him +an eye to see through, if some of the company had not rescued him +from her unmerciful talons. Provoked at this outrage, as well as +by her behaviour to him in the diligence, he publicly explained +his intention in entering her chamber in this equipage; and missing +the Hebrew among the spectators, assured them that he must have +absconded somewhere in the apartment. In pursuance of this intimation, +the room was immediately searched, and the mortified Levite pulled +up by the heels from his lurking-place; so that Pallet had the good +fortune, at last, to transfer the laugh from himself to his rival +and the French inamorata, who accordingly underwent the ridicule +of the whole audience. + + + + + +CHAPTER LVII. + + + + +Pallet endeavouring to unravel the Mystery of the Treatment he had +received, falls out of the Frying-pan into the Fire. + + +Nevertheless, Pallet was still confounded and chagrined by one +consideration, which was no other than that of his having been so +roughly handled in the chamber, belonging, as he found upon inquiry, +to the handsome young lady who was under the Capuchin's direction. +He recollected that the door was fast locked when his beast burst +it open, and he had no reason to believe that any person followed +him in his inruption: on the other hand, he could not imagine that +such a gentle creature would either attempt to commit, or be able +to execute, such a desperate assault as that which his body had +sustained; and her demeanour was so modest and circumspect, that he +durst not harbour the least suspicion of her virtue. These reflections +bewildered him in the labyrinth of thought: he rummaged his whole +imagination, endeavouring to account for what had happened. At +length, he concluded, that either Peregrine, or the devil, or both +must have been at the bottom of the whole affair, and determined, +for the satisfaction of his curiosity, to watch our hero's motions, +during the remaining part of the night, so narrowly, that his conduct, +mysterious as it was, should not be able to elude his penetration. + +With these sentiments he retired to his own room, after the ass +had been restored to the right owners, and the priest had visited +and comforted his fair ward, who had been almost distracted with +fear. Silence no sooner prevailed again, than he crawled darkling +towards her door, and huddled himself up in an obscure corner, +from whence he might observe the ingress or egress of any human +creature. He had not long remained in this posture, when, fatigued +with this adventure and that of the preceding night, his faculties +were gradually overpowered with slumber; and, falling fast asleep, +he began to snore like a whole congregation of Presbyterians. The +Flemish beauty, hearing this discordant noise in the passage, began +to be afraid of some new alarm, and very prudently bolted her door; +so that when her lover wanted to repeat his visit he was not only +surprised and incensed at this disagreeable serenade, the author +of which he did not know; but when compelled by his passion, which +was by this time wound to the highest pitch, he ventured to approach +the entrance, he had the extreme mortification to find himself +shut out. He durst not knock or signify his presence in any other +manner, on account of the lady's reputation, which would have +greatly suffered had the snorer been waked by his endeavours. Had +he known that the person who thus thwarted his views was the painter, +he would have taken some effectual step to remove him; but he could +not conceive what should induce Pallet to take up his residence in +that corner; nor could he use the assistance of a light, to distinguish +him, because there was not a candle burning in the house. + +It is impossible to describe the rage and vexation of our hero, +while he continued thus tantalized upon the brink of bliss, after +his desire had been exasperated by the circumstances of his former +disappointments. He ejaculated a thousand execrations against his +own fortune, cursed all his fellow-travellers without exception, +vowed revenge against the painter, who had twice confounded his most +interesting scheme, and was tempted to execute immediate vengeance +upon the unknown cause of his present miscarriage. In this agony +of distraction did he sweat two whole hours in the passage, though +not without some faint hope of being delivered from his tormentor, +who, he imagined, upon waking, would undoubtedly shift his quarters, +and leave the field free to his designs; but when he heard the cock +repeat his salutation to the morn, which began to open on the rear +of night, he could no longer restrain his indignation. Going to +his own chamber, he filled a basin with cold water, and, standing +at some distance, discharged it full in the face of the gaping snorer, +who, over and above the surprise occasioned by the application, +was almost suffocated by the liquor that entered his mouth, and ran +down into his windpipe. While he gasped like a person half-drowned, +without knowing the nature of his disaster, or remembering the +situation in which he fell asleep, Peregrine retired to his own +door, and, to his no small astonishment, from a long howl that +invaded his ears, learned that the patient was no other than Pallet, +who had now, for the third time, balked his good fortune. + +Enraged at the complicated trespasses of this unfortunate offender, +he rushed from his apartment with a horsewhip, and, encountering +the painter in his flight, overturned him in the passage. There he +exercised the instrument of his wrath with great severity on pretence +of mistaking him for some presumptuous cur, which had disturbed +the repose of the inn: nay, when he called aloud for mercy +in a supplicating tone, and his chastiser could no longer pretend +to treat him as a quadruped, such was the virulence of the young +gentleman's indignation, that he could not help declaring his +satisfaction, by telling Pallet he had richly deserved the punishment +he had undergone, for his madness, folly, and impertinence, in +contriving and executing such idle schemes, as had no other tendency +than that of plaguing his neighbours. + +Pallet protested, with great vehemence, that he was innocent +as the child unborn of an intention to give umbrage to any person +whatever, except the Israelite and his doxy, who he knew had +incurred his displeasure. "But as God is my Saviour," said he, "I +believe I am persecuted with witchcraft, and begin to think that +d--d priest is an agent of the devil; for he has been but two nights +in our company, during which I have not closed an eye; but, on the +contrary, have been tormented by all the fiends of hell." Pickle +peevishly replied, that his torments had been occasioned by his own +foolish imagination; and asked how he came to howl in that corner. +The painter, who did not think proper to own the truth, said, that +he had been transported thither by some preternatural conveyance, +and soused in water by an invisible hand. The youth, in hope of +profiting by his absence, advised him to retire immediately to his +bed, and by sleep strive to comfort his brain, which seemed to be +not a little disordered by the want of that refreshment. Pallet +himself began to be very much of the same way of thinking; and, +in compliance with such wholesome counsel, betook himself to rest, +muttering prayers all the way for the recovery of his own understanding. + +Pickle attended him to his chamber, and, locking him up, put the +key in his own pocket, that he might not have it in his power to +interrupt him again; but in his return he was met by Mr. Jolter +and the doctor, who had been a second time alarmed by the painter's +cries, and came to inquire about this new adventure. Half-frantic +with such a series of disappointments, he cursed them in his heart +for their unseasonable appearance. When they questioned him about +Pallet, he told them he had found him stark staring mad, howling +in a corner, and wet to the skin, and conducted him to his room, +where he was now abed. The physician, hearing this circumstance, +made a merit of his vanity; and, under pretence of concern for the +patient's welfare, desired he might have an opportunity of examining +the symptoms of his disorder, without loss of time; alleging that +many diseases might have been stifled in the birth, which afterwards +baffled all the endeavours of the medical art. The young gentleman +accordingly delivered the key, and once more withdrew into his +own chamber, with a view of seizing the first occasion that should +present itself of renewing his application to his Amanda's door; +while the doctor, in his way to Pellet's apartment, hinted to the +governor his suspicion that the patient laboured under that dreadful +symptom called the hydrophobia, which he observed had sometimes +appeared in persons who were not previously bit by a mad dog. This +conjecture he founded upon the howl he uttered when he was soused +with water, and began to recollect certain circumstances of the +painter's behaviour for some days past, which now he could plainly +perceive had prognosticated some such calamity. He then ascribed +the distemper to the violent frights he had lately undergone, +affirming that the affair of the Bastille had made such a violent +encroachment upon his understanding, that his manner of thinking +and speaking was entirely altered. By a theory of his own invention, +he explained the effects of fear upon a loose system of nerves, +and demonstrated the modus in which the animal spirits operate upon +the ideas and power of imagination. + +This disquisition, which was communicated at the painter's door, +might have lasted till breakfast, had not Jolter reminded him of +his own maxim, Venienti occurrite morbo; upon which he put the key +to immediate use, and they walked softly towards the bed, where +the patient lay extended at full length in the arms of sleep. The +physician took notice of his breathing hard, and his mouth being +open; and from these diagnostics declared, that the liquidum +nervosum was intimately affected, and the saliva impregnated with +the spiculated particles of the virus, howsoever contracted. This +sentence was still farther confirmed by the state of his pulse, +which, being full and slow, indicated an oppressed circulation, +from a loss of elasticity in the propelling arteries. He proposed +that he should immediately suffer a second aspersion of water, +which would not only contribute to the cure, but also certify them, +beyond all possibility of doubt, with regard to the state of the +disease; for it would evidently appear, from the manner in which +he would bear the application, whether or not his horror of water +amounted to a confirmed hydrophobia. Mr. Jolter, in compliance with +his proposal, began to empty a bottle of water, which he found in +the room in a basin; when he was interrupted by the prescriber, +who advised him to use the contents of the chamberpot, which, being +impregnated with salt, would operate more effectually than pure +element. Thus directed, the governor lifted up the vessel, which +was replete with medicine, and with one turn of his hand, discharged +the whole healing inundation upon the ill-omened patient, who, +waking in the utmost distraction of horror, yelled most hideously, +just at the time when Peregrine had brought his mistress to a +parley, and entertained hopes of being admitted into her chamber. + +Terrified at this exclamation, she instantly broke off the treaty, +beseeching him to retire from the door, that her honour might +receive no injury from his being found in that place; and he had +just enough of recollection left to see the necessity of obeying +the order; in conformity to which he retreated well nigh deprived +of his senses, and almost persuaded that so many unaccountable +disappointments must have proceeded from some supernatural cause, +of which the idiot Pallet was no more than the involuntary instrument. + +Meanwhile, the doctor having ascertained the malady of the patient, +whose cries, interrupted by frequent sobs and sighs, he interpreted +into the barking of a dog, and having no more salt-water at hand, +resolved to renew the bath with such materials as chance would +afford. He actually laid hold of the bottle and basin; but by this +time the painter had recovered the use of his senses so well as +to perceive his drift, and, starting up like a frantic bedlamite, +ran directly to his sword, swearing, with many horrid imprecations, +that he would murder them both immediately, if he should be hanged +before dinner, They did not choose to wait the issue of his threat, +but retired with such precipitation that the physician had almost +dislocated his shoulder by running against one side of the entry. +Jolter, having pulled the door after him and turned the key, betook +himself to flight, roaring aloud for assistance. His colleague, +seeing the door secured, valued himself upon his resolution, and +exhorted him to return; declaring that, for his own part, he was +more afraid of the madman's teeth than of his weapon, and admonishing +the governor to re-enter and execute what they had left undone. "Go +in," said he, "without fear or apprehension; and if any accident +shall happen to you, either from his slaver or his sword, I will +assist you with my advice, which from this station I can more +coolly and distinctly administer, than I should be able to supply +if my ideas were disturbed, or my attention engaged in any personal +concern." Jolter, who could make no objection to the justness of +the conclusion, frankly owned that he had no inclination to try +the experiment; observing, that self-preservation was the first +law of nature; that his connections with the unhappy lunatic were +but slight; and that it could not be reasonably expected that he +would run such risks for his service as were declined by one who +had set out with him from England on the footing of a companion. +This insinuation introduced a dispute upon the nature of benevolence, +and the moral sense, which, the republican argued, existed independent +of any private consideration, and could never be affected by any +contingent circumstance of time and fortune; while the other, who +abhorred his principles, asserted the duties and excellence of +private friendship with infinite rancour of altercation. + +During the hottest of the argument, they were joined by the Capuchin, +who being astonished to see them thus virulently engaged at the +door, and to hear the painter bellowing within the chamber, conjured +them, in the name of God, to tell him the cause of that confusion +which had kept the whole house in continual alarm during the best +part of the night, and seemed to be the immediate work of the devil +and his angels. When the governor gave him to understand that +Pallet was visited with an evil spirit, he muttered a prayer of +St. Antonio de Padua, and undertook to cure the painter, provided +he could be secured so as that he might, without danger to himself, +burn part of a certain relic under his nose, which he assured them +was equal to the miraculous power of Eleazar's ring. They expressed +great curiosity to know what this treasure was; and the priest was +prevailed upon to tell them in confidence, that it was a collection +of the parings of the nails belonging to those two madmen, whom +Jesus purged of the legion of devils that afterwards entered the +swine. So saying, he pulled from one of his pockets a small box, +containing about an ounce of the parings of a horse's hoof; at +sight of which the governor could not help smiling, on account of +the grossness of the imposition. The doctor asked, with a supercilious +smile, whether those maniacs whom Jesus cured were of the sorrel +complexion, or dapple-gray; for, from the texture of these parings, +he could prove that the original owners were of the quadruped order, +and even distinguish that their feet had been fortified with shoes +of iron. + +The mendicant, who bore an inveterate grudge against this son of +Esculapius ever since he had made so free with the Catholic religion, +replied, with great bitterness, that he was a wretch with whom no +Christian ought to communicate; that the vengeance of Heaven would +one day overtake him, on account of his profanity; and that his +heart was shod with a metal much harder than iron, which nothing +but hell fire would be able to melt. + +It was now broad day, and all the servants of the inn were afoot. +Peregrine, seeing it would be impossible to obtain any sort of +indemnification for the time he had lost, and the perturbation of +his spirits hindering him from enjoying repose, which was moreover +obstructed by the noise of Pallet and his attendants, put on his clothes +at once, and, in exceeding ill-humour, arrived at the spot where +this triumvirate stood debating about the means of overpowering the +furious painter, who still continued his song of oaths and execrations, +and made sundry efforts to break open the door. Chagrined as our +hero was, he could not help laughing when he heard how the patient +had been treated; and his indignation changing into compassion, +he called to him through the keyhole, desiring to know the reason +of his distracted behaviour. Pallet no sooner recognized his voice +than, lowering his own to a whimpering tone, "My dear friend!" +said he, "I have at last detected the ruffians who have persecuted +me so much. I caught them in the fact of suffocating me with cold +water; and by the Lord, I will be revenged, or may I never live +to finish my Cleopatra. For the love of God! open the door, and I +will make that conceited pagan, that pretender to taste, that false +devotee of the ancients, who poisons people with sillykicabies and +devil's dung--I say, I will make him a monument of my wrath, and +an example to all the cheats and impostors of the faculty; and as +for that thick-headed insolent pedant, his confederate, who emptied +my own jordan upon me while I slept, he had better have been in +his beloved Paris, botching schemes for his friend the Pretender, +than incur the effects of my resentment. Gadsbodikins! I won't +leave him a windpipe for the hangman to stop, at the end of another +rebellion." + +Pickle told him his conduct had been so extravagant as to confirm +the whole company in the belief that he was actually deprived of +his senses: on which supposition, Mr. Jolter and the doctor had +acted the part of friends, in doing that which they thought most +conducive to his recovery: so that their concern merited his thankful +acknowledgment, instead of his frantic menaces: that, for his own +part, he would be the first to condemn him, as one utterly bereft +of his wits, and give orders for his being secured as a madman, +unless he would immediately give a proof of his sanity by laying +aside his sword, composing his spirits, and thanking his injured +friends for their care of his person. + +This alternative quieted his transports in a moment: he was +terrified at the apprehension of being treated like a bedlamite, +being dubious of the state of his own brain; and, on the other +hand, had conceived such a horror and antipathy for his tormentors, +that, far from believing himself obliged by what they had done, he +could not even think of them without the utmost rage and detestation. +He, therefore, in the most tranquil voice he could assume, protested +that he never was less out of his senses than at present, though +he did not know how long he might retain them, if he should be +considered in the light of a lunatic: that, in order to prove his +being Compos mentis, he was willing to sacrifice the resentment he +so justly harboured against those who, by their malice, had brought +him to this pass; but, as he apprehended it would be the greatest +sign of madness he could exhibit to thank them for the mischiefs +they had brought upon him, he desired to be excused from making any +such concession; and swore he would endure everything rather than +be guilty of such mean absurdity. + +Peregrine held a consultation upon this reply, when the governor +and physician strenuously argued against any capitulation with +a maniac, and proposed that some method might be taken to seize, +fetter, and convey him into a dark room, where he might be treated +according to the rules of art; but the Capuchin, understanding the +circumstances of the case, undertook to restore him to his former +state, without having recourse to such violent measures. Pickle, who +was a better judge of the affair than any person present, opened +the door without further hesitation, and displayed the poor painter +standing with a woeful countenance, shivering in his shirt, which +was as wet as if he had been dragged through the Dender:--a spectacle +which gave such offence to the chaste eyes of the Hebrew's mistress, +who was by this time one of the spectators, that she turned her +head another way, and withdrew to her own room, exclaiming against +the indecent practices of men. + +Pallet, seeing the young gentleman enter, ran to him, and, taking +him by the hands, called him his best friend, and said he had +rescued him from those who had a design against his life. The priest +would have produced his parings and applied them to his nose, but +was hindered by Pickle, who advised the patient to shift himself, +and put on his clothes. This being done with great order and +deliberation, Mr. Jolter who, with the doctor, had kept a wary +distance, in expectation of seeing some storage effects of his +distraction, began to believe that he had been guilty of a mistake, +and accused the physician of having misled him by his false +diagnostic. The doctor still insisted upon his former declaration +assuring him, that although Pallet enjoyed a short interval for the +present, the delirium would soon recur, unless they would profit +by this momentary calm, and order him to be blooded, blistered, +and purged with all imaginable despatch. + +The governor, however, notwithstanding this caution, advanced to +the injured party, and begged pardon for the share he had in giving +him such disturbance. He declared, in the most solemn manner, that +he had no other intention than that of contributing towards his +welfare; and that his behaviour was the result of the physician's +prescription, which he affirmed was absolutely necessary for the +recovery of his health. + +The painter, who had very little gall in his disposition, was +satisfied with this apology; but his resentment, which was before +divided, now glowed with double fire against his first fellow-traveller, +whom he looked upon as the author of all the mischances he had +undergone, and marked out for his vengeance accordingly. Yet the +doors of reconciliation were not shut against the doctor, who, with +great justice, might have transferred this load of offence from +himself to Peregrine, who was, without doubt, the source of the +painter's misfortune: but, in that case, he must have owned himself +mistaken in his medical capacity, and he did not think the friendship +of Pallet important enough to be retrieved by such condescension; +so that he resolved to neglect him entirely, and gradually forget +the former correspondence he had maintained with a person whom he +deemed so unworthy of his notice. + + + + + +CHAPTER LVIII. + + + + +Peregrine, almost distracted with his Disappointment, conjures the +fair Fleming to permit his Visits at Brussels--She withdraws from +his Pursuit. + + +Things being thus adjusted, and all the company dressed, they +went to breakfast about five in the morning; and in less than an +hour after were seated in the diligence, where a profound silence +prevailed. Peregrine, who used to be the life of the society, was +extremely pensive and melancholy on account of his mishap, the +Israelite and his dulcinea dejected in consequence of their disgrace, +the poet absorbed in lofty meditation, the painter in schemes of +revenge; while Jolter, rocked by the motion of the carriage, made +himself amends for the want of rest he had sustained; and the +mendicant, with his fair charge, were infected by the cloudy aspect +of our youth, in whose disappointment each of them, for different +reasons, bore no inconsiderable share. This general languor and +recess from all bodily exercise disposed them all to receive the +gentle yoke of slumber; and in half-an-hour after they had embarked, +there was not one of them awake, except our hero and his mistress, +unless the Capuchin was pleased to counterfeit sleep, in order to +indulge our young gentleman with an opportunity of enjoying some +private conversation with his beauteous ward. + +Peregrine did not neglect the occasion; but, on the contrary, +seized the first minute, and, in gentle murmurs, lamented his hard +hap in being thus the sport of fortune. He assured her, and that +with great sincerity, that all the cross accidents of his life +had not cost him one half of the vexation and keenness of chagrin +which he had suffered last night; and that now he was on the brink +of parting from her, he should be overwhelmed with the blackest +despair, if she would not extend her compassion so far as to give +him an opportunity of sighing at her feet in Brussels, during the +few days his affairs would permit him to spend in that city. This +young lady, with an air of mortification, expressed her sorrow for +being the innocent cause of his anxiety; said she hoped last night's +adventure would be a salutary warning to both their souls; for she +was persuaded, that her virtue was protected by the intervention +of Heaven; that whatever impression it might have made upon him, +she was enabled by it to adhere to that duty from which her passion +had begun to swerve; and, beseeching him to forget her for his own +peace, gave him to understand, that neither the plan she had laid +down for her own conduct, nor the dictates of her honour, would +allow her to receive his visits, or carry on any other correspondence +with him, while she was restricted by the articles of her marriage-vow. + +This explanation produced such a violent effect upon her admirer, +that he was for some minutes deprived of the faculty of speech; which +he no sooner recovered, than he gave vent to the most unbridled +transports of passion. He taxed her with barbarity and indifference; +told her, that she had robbed him of his reason and internal peace; +that he would follow her to the ends of the earth, and cease to +live sooner than cease to love her; that he would sacrifice the +innocent fool who had been the occasion of all this disquiet, and +murder every man whom he considered as an obstruction to his views. +In a word, his passions, which had continued so long in a state of +the highest fermentation, together with the want of that repose which +calms and quiets the perturbation of the spirits, had wrought him +up to a pitch of real distraction. While he uttered these delirious +expressions, the tears ran down his cheeks; and he underwent such +agitation that the tender heart of the fair Fleming was affected +with his condition: and, while her own face was bedewed with +the streams of sympathy, she begged him, for Heaven's sake, to be +composed; and promised, for his satisfaction, to abate somewhat +of the rigour of her purpose. Consoled by this kind declaration, +he recollected himself; and, taking out his pencil, gave her his +address, when she had assured him, that he should hear from her in +four-and-twenty hours, at farthest, after their separation. + +Thus soothed, he regained the empire of himself, and, by degrees, +recovered his serenity. But this was not the case with his Amanda, +who, from this sample of his disposition, dreaded the impetuosity +of his youth, and was effectually deterred from entering into any +engagements that might subject her peace and reputation to the rash +effects of such a violent spirit. Though she was captivated by his +person and accomplishments, she had reflection enough to foresee, +that the longer she countenanced his passion, her own heart would +be more and more irretrievably engaged, and the quiet of her life +the more exposed to continual interruption. She therefore profited +by these considerations, and a sense of religious honour, which +helped her to withstand the suggestions of inclination; and resolved +to amuse her lover with false hopes, until she should have it in her +power to relinquish his conversation, without running any risk of +suffering by the inconsiderate sallies of his love. It was with this +view that she desired he would not insist upon attending her to her +mother's house, when they arrived at Brussels; and he, cajoled by +her artifice, took a formal leave of her, together with the other +strangers, fixing his habitation at the inn to which he and his +fellow-travellers had been directed, in the impatient expectation +of receiving a kind summons from her within the limited time. + +Meanwhile, in order to divert his imagination, he went to see +the stadthouse, park, and arsenal, took a superficial view of the +booksellers' cabinet of curiosities, and spent the evening at the +Italian opera, which was at that time exhibited for the entertainment +of Prince Charles of Lorraine, then governor of the Low Countries. +In short, the stated period was almost lapsed when Peregrine received +a letter to this purport:-- + + "Sir,--If you knew what violence I do my own heart, in + declaring, that I have withdrawn myself for ever from your + addresses, you would surely applaud the sacrifice I make to + virtue, and strive to imitate this example of self-denial. + Yes, sir, Heaven hath lent me grace to struggle with my guilty + passion, and henceforth to avoid the dangerous sight of him, + who inspired it. I therefore conjure you, by the regard you + ought to have to the eternal welfare of us both, as well as by + the esteem and affection you profess, to war with your unruly + inclination, and desist from all attempts of frustrating the + laudable resolution I have made. Seek not to invade the peace + of one who loves you, to disturb the quiet of a family that + never did you wrong, and to alienate the thoughts of a weak + woman from a deserving man, who, by the most sacred claim, + ought to have the full possession of her heart." + + +This billet, without either date or subscription, banished all +remains of discretion from the mind of our hero, who ran instantly +to the landlord in all the ecstasy of madness, and demanded to see +the messenger who brought the letter on pain of putting his whole +family to the sword. The innkeeper, terrified by his looks and +menaces, fell upon his knees, protesting in the face of Heaven that +he was utterly ignorant and innocent of anything that could give +him offence, and that the billet was brought by a person whom he +did not know, and who retired immediately, saying it required no +answer. He then gave utterance to his fury in a thousand imprecations +and invectives against the writer, whom he dishonoured with the +appellations of a coquette, a jilt, an adventurer, who, by means +of a pimping priest, had defrauded him of his money. He denounced +vengeance against the mendicant, whom he swore he would destroy if +ever he should set eyes on him again. + +The painter unluckily appearing during this paroxysm of rage, +he seized him by the throat, saying he was ruined by his accursed +folly; and in all likelihood poor Pallet would have been strangled +had not Jolter interposed in his behalf, beseeching his pupil to +have mercy upon the sufferer, and, with infinite anxiety, desiring +to know the cause of this violent assault. He received no answer but +a string of incoherent curses. When the painter, with unspeakable +astonishment, took God to witness that he bad done nothing to +disoblige him, the governor began to think, in sad earnest, that +Peregrine's vivacity had at length risen to the transports of actual +madness, and was himself almost distracted with this supposition. +That he might the better judge what remedy ought to be applied, +he used his whole influence, and practised all his eloquence upon +the youth, in order to learn the immediate cause of his delirium. +He employed the most pathetic entreaties, and even shed tears in +the course of his supplication; so that Pickle, the first violence +of the hurricane being blown over, was ashamed of his own imprudence, +and retired to his chamber in order to recollect his dissipated +thoughts; there he shut himself up, and for the second time perusing +the fatal epistle, began to waver in his opinion of the author's +character and intention. He sometimes considered her as one of those +nymphs, who, under the mask of innocence and simplicity, practise +upon the hearts and purses of unwary and inexperienced youths: +this was the suggestion of his wrath inflamed by disappointment; +but when he reflected upon the circumstances of her behaviour, and +recalled her particular charms to his imagination, the severity +of his censure gave way and his heart declared in favour of her +sincerity. + +Yet even this consideration aggravated the sense of his loss, and +he was in danger of relapsing into his former distraction, when +his passion was a little becalmed by the hope of seeing her again, +either by accident or in the course of a diligent and minute +inquiry, which he forthwith resolved to set on foot. He had reason +to believe that her own heart would espouse his cause in spite of +her virtue's determination; and did not despair of meeting with the +Capuchin, whose good offices he knew he could at any time command. +Comforted with these reflections, the tempest of his soul subsided. +In less than two hours he joined his company with an air of composure, +and asked the painter's forgiveness for the freedom he had taken, +the cause of which he promised hereafter to explain. Pallet was +glad of being reconciled on any terms to one whose countenance +supported him in equilibrio with his antagonist the doctor; and +Mr. Jolter was rejoiced beyond measure at his pupil's recovery. + + + + + +CHAPTER LIX. + + + + +Peregrine meets with Mrs. Hornbeck, and is consoled for his Loss--His +Valet-de-chambre is embroiled with her Duenna, whom, however, he +finds means to appease. + + +Everything having thus resumed its natural channel, they dined +together in great tranquility. In the afternoon, Peregrine, on +pretence of staying at home to write letters, while his companions +were at the coffee-house, ordered a coach to be called, and, with +his valet-de-chambre, who was the only person acquainted with the +present state of his thoughts, set out for the promenade, to which +all the ladies of fashion resort in the evening during the summer +season, in hopes of seeing his fugitive among the rest. + +Having made a circuit round the walk, and narrowly observed every +female in the place, he perceived at some distance the livery of +Hornbeck upon a lacquey that stood at the back of a coach; upon +which he ordered his man to reconnoitre the said carriage, while +he pulled up his glasses, that he might not be discovered before +he should have received some intelligence by which he might conduct +himself on this unexpected occasion, that already began to interfere +with the purpose of his coming thither, though it could not dispute +his attention with the idea of his charming unknown. + +His Mercury, having made his observations, reported that there +was nobody in the coach but Mrs. Hornbeck and an elderly woman, +who had all the air of a duenna; and that the servant was not the +same footman who had attended them in France. Encouraged by this +information, our hero ordered himself to be driven close up to +that side of their convenience on which his old mistress sat, and +accosted her with the usual salutation. This lady no sooner beheld +her gallant than her cheeks reddened with a double glow, and she +exclaimed, "Dear brother, I am overjoyed to see you! Pray come into +our coach." He took the hint immediately, and, complying with her +request, embraced this new sister with great affection. + +Perceiving that her attendant was very much surprised and alarmed +at this unexpected meeting, she, in order to banish her suspicion, +and at the same time give her lover his cue, told him that his +brother (meaning her husband) was gone to the Spa for a few weeks, +by the advice of physicians, on account of his ill state of health; +and that, from his last letter, she had the pleasure to tell him +he was in a fair way of doing well. The young gentleman expressed +his satisfaction at this piece of news; observing, with an air of +fraternal concern, that if his brother had not made too free with +his constitution, his friends in England would have had no occasion to +repine at his absence and want of health, by which he was banished +from his own country and connections. He then asked, with an +affectation of surprise, why she had not accompanied her spouse, +and was given to understand that his tenderness of affection would +not suffer him to expose her to the fatigues of the journey, which +lay among rocks that were almost inaccessible. + +The duenna's doubts being eased by this preamble of conversation, +he changed the subject to the pleasures of the place; and, among +other such questions, inquired if she had as yet visited Versailles. +This is a public-house, situated upon the canal, at the distance of +about two miles from town, and accommodated with tolerable gardens, +for the entertainment of company. When she replied in the negative, +he proposed to accompany her thither immediately; but the governante, +who had hitherto sat silent, objected to this proposal; telling +them, in broken English, that as the lady was under her care, she +could not answer to Mr. Hornbeck for allowing her to visit such a +suspicious place. "As for that matter, madam," said the confident +gallant, "give yourself no trouble; the consequences shall be at +my peril; and I will undertake to insure you against my brother's +resentment." So saying, he directed the coachman to the place, and +ordered his own to follow, under the auspices of his valet-de-chambre; +while the old gentlewoman, overruled by his assurance, quietly +submitted to his authority. + +Being arrived at the place, he handed the ladies from the coach, +and then, for the first time, observed that the duenna was lame, +a circumstance of which he did not scruple to take the advantage; +for they had scarce alighted, and drunk a glass of wine, when +he advised his sister to enjoy a walk in the garden; and although +the attendant made shift to keep them almost always in view, they +enjoyed a detached conversation, in which Peregrine learned that the +true cause of her being left behind at Brussels, whilst her husband +proceeded to Spa, was his dread of the company and familiarities of +that place, to which his jealousy durst not expose her; and that +she had lived three weeks in a convent at Lisle, from which she +was delivered by his own free motion, because indeed he could no +longer exist without her company; and, lastly, our lover understood +that her governante was a mere dragon, who had been recommended +to him by a Spanish merchant, whose wife she attended to her dying +day; but she very much questioned whether or not her fidelity was +proof enough against money and strong waters. Peregrine assured her +the experiment should be tried before parting; and they agreed to +pass the night at Versailles, provided his endeavours should succeed. + +Having exercised themselves in this manner, until his duenna's spirits +were pretty much exhausted, that she might be the be the better +disposed to recruit them with a glass of liqueur, they returned to +their apartment, and the cordial was recommended and received in a +bumper; but as it did not produce such a visible alteration as the +sanguine hopes of Pickle had made him expect, and the old gentlewoman +observed that it began to be late, and that the gates would be shut +in a little time, he filled up a parting glass, and pledged her in +equal quantity. Her blood was too much chilled to be warmed even by +this extraordinary dose, which made immediate innovation in the brain +of our youth, who, in the gaiety of his imagination, overwhelmed +this she-Argus with such profusion of gallantry, that she was more +intoxicated with his expressions than with the spirits she had drunk. +When in the course of toying he dropped a purse into her bosom, she +seemed to forget how the night wore, and, with the approbation of +her charge, assented to his proposal of having something for supper. + +This was a great point which our adventurer had gained; and yet +he plainly perceived that the governante mistook his meaning, by +giving herself credit for all the passion he had professed. As this +error could be rectified by no other means than those of plying +her with the bottle, until her distinguishing faculties should be +overpowered, he promoted a quick circulation. She did him justice, +without any manifest signs of inebriation, so long, that his own +eyes began to reel in the sockets, and he found that before his +scheme could be accomplished, he should be effectually unfitted +for all the purposes of love. He therefore had recourse to his +valet-de-chambre, who understood the hint as soon as it was given, +and readily undertook to perform the part of which his master had +played the prelude. This affair being settled to his satisfaction, +and the night at odds with morning, he took an opportunity of +imparting to the ear of this aged dulcinea a kind whisper, importing +a promise of visiting her when his sister should be retired to her +own chamber, and an earnest desire of leaving her door unlocked. + +This agreeable intimation being communicated, he conveyed a caution +of the same nature to Mrs. Hornbeck, as he led her to her apartment; +and darkness and silence no sooner prevailed in the house, than +he and his trusted squire set out on their different voyages. +Everything would have succeeded according to their wish, had not +the valet-de-chambre suffered himself to fall asleep at the side of +his inamorata, and, in the agitation of a violent dream, exclaimed +in a voice so unlike that of her supposed adorer, that she +distinguished the difference at once. Waking him with a pinch and +a loud shriek, she threatened to prosecute him for a rape, and +reviled him with all the epithets her rage and disappointment could +suggest. + +The Frenchman, finding himself detected, behaved with great temper +and address: be begged she would compose herself, on account of +her own reputation, which was extremely dear to him; protesting that +he had a most inviolable esteem for her person. His representations +had weight with the duenna, who, upon recollection, comprehended +the whole affair, and thought it would be her interest to bring +matters to an accommodation. She therefore admitted the apologies +of her bed-fellow, provided he would promise to atone by marriage +for the injury she had sustained; and in this particular he set her +heart at ease by repeated vows, which he uttered with surprising +volubility, though without any intention to perform the least title +of their contents. + +Peregrine, who had been alarmed by her exclamation, and ran +to the door with a view of interposing according to the emergency +of the case, overhearing the affair thus compromised, returned to +his mistress, who was highly entertained with an account of what +had passed, foreseeing that for the future she should be under no +difficulty or restriction from the severity of her guard. + + + + + +CHAPTER LX. + + + + +Hornbeck is informed of his Wife's Adventure with Peregrine, for +whom he prepares a Stratagem, which is rendered ineffectual by the +Information of Pipes--The Husband is ducked for his Intention, and +our Hero apprehended by the Patrol. + + +There was another person, however, still ungained; and that was no +other than her footman, whose secrecy our hero attempted to secure +in the morning by a handsome present, which he received with many +professions of gratitude and devotion to his service; yet this +complaisance was nothing but a cloak used to disguise the design he +harboured of making his master acquainted with the whole transaction. +Indeed this lacquey had been hired, not only as a spy upon his +mistress, but also as a check on the conduct of the governante, with +promise of ample reward if ever he should discover any sinister or +suspicious practices in the course of her behaviour. As for the +footman whom they had brought from England, he was retained in +attendance upon the person of his master, whose confidence he had +lost by advising him to gentle methods of reclaiming his lady, when +her irregularities had subjected her to his wrath. + +The Flemish valet, in consequence of the office he had undertaken, +wrote to Hornbeck by the first post, giving an exact detail of the +adventure at Versailles, with such a description of the pretended +brother as left the husband no room to think he could be any other +person than his first dishonourer; and exasperated him to such +a degree, that he resolved to lay an ambush for this invader, and +at once disqualify him from disturbing his repose, by maintaining +further correspondence with his wife. + +Meanwhile the lovers enjoyed themselves without restraint, and +Peregrine's plan of inquiry after his dear unknown was for the +present postponed. His fellow-travellers were confounded at his +mysterious motions, which filled the heart of Jolter with anxiety +and terror. This careful conductor was fraught with such experience +of his pupil's disposition, that he trembled with the apprehension +of some sudden accident, and lived in continual alarm, like a man +that walks under the wall of a nodding tower. Nor did he enjoy any +alleviations of his fears, when, upon telling the young gentleman +that the rest of the company were desirous of departing for Antwerp, +he answered, they were at liberty to consult their own inclinations; +but, for his own part, he was resolved to stay in Brussels a few +days longer. By this declaration the governor was confirmed in the +opinion of his having some intrigue upon the anvil. In the bitterness +of his vexation, he took the liberty of signifying his suspicion, +and reminding him of the dangerous dilemmas to which he had been +reduced by his former precipitation. + +Peregrine took his caution in good part, and promised to behave +with such circumspection as would screen him from any troublesome +consequences for the future: but, nevertheless, behaved that same +evening in such a manner as plainly showed that his prudence was +nothing else than vain speculation. He had made an appointment +to spend the night, as usual, with Mrs. Hornbeck; and about nine +o'clock hastened to her lodgings, when he was accosted in the +street by his old discarded friend Thomas Pipes, who, without any +other preamble, told him, that for all he had turned him adrift, he +did not choose to see him run full sail into his enemy's harbour, +without giving him timely notice of the danger. "I'll tell you +what," said he; "mayhap you think I want to curry favour, that I +may be taken in tow again; if you do, you have made a mistake in +your reckoning. I am old enough to be laid up, and have to keep my +planks from the weather. But this here is the affair: I have known +you since you were no higher than a marlinspike, and shouldn't care +to see you deprived of your rigging at these years; whereby I am +informed by Hornbeck's man, whom I this afternoon fell in with by +chance, as how his master has got intelligence of your boarding +his wife, and has steered privately into this port with a large +complement of hands, in order, d'ye see, to secure you while you +are under the hatches. Now, if so be as how you have a mind to +give him a salt eel for his supper, here am I, without hope of fee +or reward, ready to stand by you as long as my timbers will stick +together: and if I expect any recompense, may I be bound to eat +oakum and drink bilge-water for life." + +Startled at this information, Peregrine examined him upon the +particulars of his discourse with the lacquey; and when he understood +that Hornbeck's intelligence flowed from the canal of his Flemish +footman, he believed every circumstance of Tom's report, thanked +him for his warning, and, after having reprimanded him for his +misbehaviour at Lisle, assured him that it should be his own fault +if ever they should part again. He then deliberated with himself +whether or not he should retort the purpose upon his adversary; but +when he considered that Hornbeck was not the aggressor, and made +that unhappy husband's case his own, he could not help quitting his +intention of revenge; though, in his opinion, it ought to have been +executed in a more honourable manner, and therefore he determined +to chastise him for his want of spirit. Nothing surely can be +more insolent and unjust than this determination, which induced him +to punish a person for his want of courage to redress the injury +which he himself had done to his reputation and peace; and yet this +barbarity of decision is authorised by the opinion and practice of +mankind. + +With these sentiments he returned to the inn, and, putting a pair +of pistols in his pocket, ordered his valet-de-chambre and Pipes +to follow him at a small distance, so as that they should be within +call in case of necessity, and then posted himself within thirty +yards of his dulcinea's door. There he had not been above half an +hour, when he perceived four men take their station on the other +side, with a view, as he guessed, to watch for his going in, that +he might be taken unaware. But when they had tarried a considerable +time in that corner, without reaping the fruits of their expectation, +their leader, persuaded that the gallant had gained admittance by +some secret means, approached the door with his followers, who, +according to the instructions they had received, no sooner saw it +opened, than they rushed in, leaving their employer in the street, +where he thought his person would be least endangered. Our +adventurer, seeing him all alone, advanced with speed, and clapping +a pistol to his breast, commanded him to follow his footsteps. +without noise, on pain of immediate death. + +Terrified at this sudden apparition, Hornbeck obeyed in silence; +and, in a few minutes, they arrived at the quay, where Pickle, +halting, gave him to understand that he was no stranger to his +villainous design; told him, that if he conceived himself injured +by any circumstance of his conduct, he would now give him an +opportunity of resenting the wrong in a manner becoming a man of +honour. "You have a sword about you," said he; "or, if you don't +choose to put the affair on that issue, here is a brace of pistols; +take which you please." Such an address could not fail to disconcert +a man of his character. After some hesitation, he, in a faltering +accent, denied that his design was to mutilate Mr. Pickle, but that +he thought himself entitled to the benefit of the law, by which he +would have obtained a divorce, if he could have procured evidence +of his wife's infidelity; and, with that view, he had employed people +to take advantage of the information he had received. With regard +to this alternative, he declined it entirely, because he could not +see what satisfaction he should enjoy in being shot through the +head, or run through the lungs, by a person who had already wronged +him in an irreparable manner. Lastly, his fear made him propose +that the affair should be left to the arbitration of two creditable +men, altogether unconcerned in the dispute. + +To these remonstrances Peregrine replied, in the style of a hot-headed +young man, conscious of his own unjustifiable behaviour, that every +gentleman ought to be a judge of his own honour and therefore he +would submit to the decision of no umpire whatsoever; that he would +forgive his want of courage, which might be a natural infirmity, +but his mean dissimulation he could not pardon. That, as he was +certified of the rascally intent of his ambuscade by undoubted +intelligence, he would treat him, not with a retaliation of his +own treachery, but with such indignity as a scoundrel deserves to +suffer, unless he would make one effort to maintain the character +he assumed in life. So saying, he again presented his pistols, +which being rejected as before, he called his two ministers, and +ordered them to duck him in the canal. + +This command was pronounced and executed almost in the same breath, +to the unspeakable terror and disorder of the poor shivering patient, +who, having undergone the immersion, ran about like a drowned rat, +squeaking for assistance and revenge. His cries were overheard by +the patrol, who, chancing to pass that way, took him under their +protection, and, in consequence of his complaint and information, +went in pursuit of our adventurer and his attendants, who were +soon overtaken and surrounded. Rash and inconsiderate as the young +gentleman was, he did not pretend to stand upon the defensive +against a file of musketeers, although Pipes had drawn his cutlass +at their approach, but surrendered himself without opposition, +and was conveyed to the main guard, where the commanding officer, +engaged by his appearance and address, treated him with all imaginable +respect. Hearing the particulars of his adventure, he assured him +that the prince would consider the whole as a tour de jeunesse, +and order him to be released without delay. + +Next morning, when this gentleman gave in his report, he made such +a favourable representation of the prisoner, that our hero was on +the point of being discharged, when Hornbeck preferred a complaint, +accusing him of a purposed assassination, and praying that such +punishment should be inflicted upon him as his highness should +think adequate to the nature of the crime. The prince, perplexed +with this petition, in consequence of which he foresaw that he +must disoblige a British subject, sent for the plaintiff, of whom +he had some knowledge, and, in person, exhorted him to drop the +prosecution, which would only serve to propagate his own shame. But +Hornbeck was too much incensed to listen to any proposal of that +kind, and peremptorily demanded justice against the prisoner, whom +he represented as an obscure adventurer, who had made repeated +attempts upon his honour and his life. Prince Charles told him, +that what he had advised was in the capacity of a friend; but, since +he insisted upon his acting as a magistrate, the affair should be +examined, and determined according to the dictates of justice and +truth. + +The petitioner being dismissed with this promise, the defendant +was, in his turn, brought before the judge, whose prepossession in +his favour was in a great measure weakened by what his antagonist +had said to the prejudice of his birth and reputation. + + + + + +CHAPTER LXI. + + + + +Peregrine is released--Jolter confounded at his mysterious Conduct--A +Contest happens between the Poet and Painter, who are reconciled +by the Mediation of their Fellow-Travellers. + + +Our hero, understanding from some expressions which escaped +the prince, that he was considered in the light of a sharper and +assassin, begged that he might have the liberty of sending for +some vouchers, that would probably vindicate his character from +the malicious aspersions of his adversary. This permission being +granted, he wrote a letter to his governor, desiring that he would +bring to him the letters of recommendation which he had received +from the British ambassador at Paris, and such other papers as he +thought conducive to evince the importance of his situation. + +The billet was given in charge to one of the subaltern officers +on duty, who carried it to the inn, and demanded to speak with Mr. +Jolter. Pallet, who happened to be at the door when this messenger +arrived, and heard him inquire for the tutor, ran directly to that +gentleman's apartment, and in manifest disorder, told him that a +huge fellow of a soldier, with a monstrous pair of whiskers, and +fur cap as big as a bushel, was asking for him at the door. The +poor governor began to shake at this intimation, though he was +not conscious of having committed anything that could attract the +attention of the state. When the officer appeared at his chamber +door, his confusion increased to such a degree, that his perception +seemed to vanish, and the subaltern repeated the purport of his errand +three times, before he could comprehend his meaning, or venture to +receive the letter which he presented. At length he summoned all +his fortitude, and having perused the epistle, his terror sank into +anxiety. His ingenuous fear immediately suggested, that Peregrine +was confined in a dungeon, for some outrage he had committed. He +ran with great agitation to a trunk, and, taking out a bundle of +papers, followed his conductor, being attended by the painter, to +whom he had hinted his apprehension. + +When they passed through the guard, which was under arms, the hearts +of both died within them; and when they came into the presence, +there was such an expression of awful horror on the countenance +of Jolter, that the prince, observing his dismay, was pleased to +encourage him with an assurance that he had nothing to fear. Thus +comforted, he recollected himself so well as to understand his +pupil, when he desired him to produce the ambassador's letters; +some of which being open, were immediately read by his highness, +who was personally acquainted with the writer, and knew several +of the noblemen to whom they were addressed. These recommendations +were so warm, and represented the young gentleman in such an +advantageous light, that the prince, convinced of the injustice his +character had suffered by the misrepresentation of Hornbeck, took +our hero by the hand, asked pardon for the doubts he had entertained +of his honour, declared him from that moment at liberty, ordered +his domestics to be enlarged, and offered him his countenance and +protection as long as he should remain in the Austrian Netherlands. +At the same time, he cautioned him against indiscretion in the +course of his gallantries; and took his word of honour, that he +should drop all measures of resentment against the person of Hornbeck +during his residence in that place. + +The delinquent, thus honourably acquitted, thanked the prince +in the most respectful manner for his generosity and candour, and +retired with his two friends, who were amazed and bewildered in +their thoughts at what they had seen and heard, the whole adventure +still remaining without the sphere of their comprehension, which +was not at all enlarged by the unaccountable appearance of Pipes, +who, with the valet-de-chambre, joined them at the castle gate. +Had Jolter been a man of a luxuriant imagination, his brain would +undoubtedly have suffered in the investigation of his pupil's +mysterious conduct, which he strove in vain to unravel; but his +intellects were too solid to be affected by the miscarriage of +his invention; and, as Peregrine did not think proper to make him +acquainted with the cause of his being apprehended, he contented +himself with supposing that there was a lady in the case. + +The painter, whose imagination was of a more flimsy texture. formed +a thousand chimerical conjectures, which he communicated to Pickle, +in imperfect insinuations, hoping, by his answers and behaviour, +to discover the truth: but the youth, in order to tantalise him, +eluded all his inquiries, with such appearance of industry and +art, as heightened his curiosity, while it disappointed his aim, +and inflamed him to such a degree of impatience, that his wits began +to be unsettled: then Peregrine was fain to recompose his brain, +by telling him in confidence, that he had been arrested as a spy. +This secret he found more intolerable than his former uncertainty. +He ran from one apartment to another, like a goose in the agonies +of egg-laying, with intention of disburdening this important load; +but Jolter being engaged with the pupil, and all the people of the +house ignorant of the only language he could speak, he was compelled, +with infinite reluctance, to address himself to the doctor, who +was at that time shut up in his own chamber. Having knocked at the +door to no purpose, he peeped through the key-hole, and saw the +physician sitting at a table, with a pen in one hand, and paper +before him, his head reclined upon his other hand, and his eyes fixed +upon the ceiling, as if he had been entranced. Pallet, concluding +that he was under the power of some convulsion, endeavoured to force +the door open, and the noise of his efforts recalled the doctor +from his reverie. + +This poetical republican, being so disagreeably disturbed, started +up in a passion, and, opening the door, no sooner perceived who +had interrupted him, than he flung it in his face with great fury, +and cursed him for his impertinent intrusion, which had deprived him +of the most delightful vision that ever regaled the human fancy. +He imagined, as he afterwards imparted to Peregrine, that, as he +enjoyed himself in walking through the flowery plain that borders +on Parnassus, he was met by a venerable sage, whom, by a certain +divine vivacity that lightened from his eyes, he instantly knew to +be the immortal Pindar. He was immediately struck with reverence +and awe, and prostrated himself before the apparition, which, taking +him by the hand, lifted him gently from the ground and, with words +more sweet than the honey of the Hybla bees, told him, that, of +all the moderns, he alone was visited by that celestial impulse +by which he himself had been inspired, when he produced his most +applauded odes. So saying, he led him up the sacred hill, persuaded +him to drink a copious draught of the waters of the Hippocrene, and +then presented him to the harmonious Nine, who crowned his temples +with a laurel wreath. + +No wonder that he was enraged to find himself cut off from such +sublime society. He raved in Greek against the invader, who was so +big with his own purpose, that, unmindful of the disgrace he had +sustained, and disregarding all the symptoms of the physician's +displeasure, he applied his mouth to the door, in an eager tone. +"I'll hold you any wager," said he, "that I guess the true cause +of Mr. Pickle's imprisonment." To this challenge he received no +reply, and therefore repeated it, adding, "I suppose you imagine +he was taken up for fighting a duel, or affronting a nobleman, or +lying with some man's wife, or some such matter: but, egad! you +was never more mistaken in your life; and I'll lay my Cleopatra +against your Homer's head, that in four-and-twenty hours you shan't +light on the true reason." + +The favourite of the muses, exasperated at this vexatious perseverance +of the painter, who he imagined had come to tease and insult him, +"I would," said he, "sacrifice a cock to Esculapius, were I assured +that any person had been taken up for extirpating such a troublesome +Goth as you are from the face of the earth. As for your boasted +Cleopatra, which you say was drawn from your own wife, I believe +the copy has as much of the to kalon as the original: but, were +it mine, it should be hung up in the Temple of Cloacina, as the +picture of that goddess; for any other apartment would be disgraced +by its appearance."--"Hark ye, sir," replied Pallet, enraged in his +turn at the contemptuous mention of his darling performance, "you +may make as free with my wife as you think proper, but 'ware my +works; those are the children of my fancy, conceived by the glowing +imagination, and formed by the art of my own hands: and you yourself +are a Goth, and a Turk, and a Tartar, and an impudent pretending +jackanapes, to treat with such disrespect a production which, in +the opinion of all the connoisseurs of the age, will, when finished, +be a masterpiece in its kind, and do honour to human genius and +skill. So I say again and again, and I care not though your friend +Playtor heard me, that you have no more taste than a drayman's horse, +and that those foolish notions of the ancients ought to be drubbed +out of you with a pod cudgel, that you might learn to treat men +of parts with more veneration. Perhaps you may not always be in +the company of one who will halloo for assistance when you are on +the brink of being chastised for your insolence, as I did, when +you brought upon yourself the resentment of that Scot, who, by the +Lord! would have paid you both scot and lot, as Falstaff says, if +the French officer had not put him in arrest." + +The physician, to this declamation, which was conveyed through the +key-hole, answered, that he (the painter) was a fellow so infinitely +below his consideration, that his conscience upbraided him with no +action of his life, except that of choosing such a wretch for his +companion and fellow-traveller. That he had viewed his character +through the medium of good-nature and compassion, which had prompted +him to give Pallet an opportunity of acquiring some new ideas +under his immediate instruction; but he had abused his goodness and +condescension in such a flagrant manner, that he was now determined +to discard him entirely from his acquaintance; and desired him, +for the present, to take himself away, on pain of being kicked for +his presumption. + +Pallet was too much incensed to be intimidated by this threat, which +he retorted with great virulence, defying him to come forth, that +it might appear which of them was best skilled in that pedestrian +exercise, which he immediately began to practise against the door +with such thundering application, as reached the ears of Pickle +and his governor, who coming out into the passage, and seeing him +thus employed, asked if he had forgot the chamber-pots of Alost, +that he ventured to behave in such a manner as entitled him to a +second prescription of the same nature. + +The doctor, understanding that there was company at hand, opened +the door in a twinkling, and, springing upon his antagonist like +a tiger, a fierce contention would have ensued, to the infinite +satisfaction of our hero, had not Jolter, to the manifest peril +of his own person, interposed, and partly by force, and partly by +exhortations, put a stop to the engagement before it was fairly +begun. After having demonstrated the indecency of such a vulgar +rencontre, betwixt two fellow-citizens in a foreign land, he +begged to know the cause of their dissension, and offered his good +offices towards an accommodation. Peregrine also, seeing the fray +was finished, expressed himself to the same purpose; and the painter, +for obvious reasons, declining an explanation, his antagonist +told the youth what a mortifying interruption he had suffered by +the impertinent intrusion of Pallet, and gave him a detail of the +particulars of his vision, as above recited. The arbiter owned the +provocation was not to be endured; and decreed that the offender +should make some atonement for his transgression. Upon which the +painter observed, that, however he might have been disposed to make +acknowledgments, if the physician had signified his displeasure +like a gentleman, the complainant had now forfeited all claim to +any such concessions, by the vulgar manner in which he had reviled +him and his productions; observing, that, if he (the painter) had +been inclined to retort his slanderous insinuations, the republican's +own works would have afforded ample subject for his ridicule and +censure. + +After divers disputes and representations, peace was at length +concluded, on condition, that, for the future, the doctor should +never mention Cleopatra, unless he could say something in her +praise; and that Pallet, in consideration of his having been the +first aggressor, should make a sketch of the physician's vision, +to be engraved and prefixed to the next edition of his odes. + + + + + +CHAPTER LXII. + + + + +The Travellers depart for Antwerp, at which place the Painter gives +a loose to his Enthusiasm. + + +Our adventurer, baffled in all his efforts to retrieve his lost +Amanda, yielded at length to the remonstrances of his governor +and fellow-travellers, who, out of pure complaisance to him, had +exceeded their intended stay by six days at least; and a couple of +post-chaises, with three riding-horses, being hired, they departed +from Brussels in the morning, dined at Mechlin, and arrived about +eight in the evening at the venerable city of Antwerp. During this +day's journey Pallet was elevated to an uncommon flow of spirits, +with the prospect of seeing the birthplace of Rubens, for whom he +professed an enthusiastic admiration. He swore, that the pleasure +he felt was equal to that of a Mussulman, on the last day of his +pilgrimage to Mecca; and that he already considered himself a native +of Antwerp, being so intimately acquainted with their so justly +boasted citizen, from whom, at certain junctures, he could not +help believing himself derived, because his own pencil adopted the +manner of that great man with surprising facility, and his face +wanted nothing but a pair of whiskers and a beard, to exhibit the +express image of the Fleming's countenance. He told them he was +so proud of this resemblance, that, in order to render it more +striking, he had, at one time of his life, resolved to keep his +face sacred from the razor; and in that purpose had persevered, +notwithstanding the continual reprehensions of Mrs. Pallet, (who, +being then with child), said, his aspect was so hideous, that she +dreaded a miscarriage every hour, until she threatened in plain +terms, to dispute the sanity of his intellects, and apply to the +chancellor for a committee. + +The doctor, on this occasion, observed, that a man who is not proof +against the solicitations of a woman, can never expect to make a +great figure in life; that painters and poets ought to cultivate +no wives but the Muses; or, if they are by the accidents of fortune +encumbered with families, they should carefully guard against +that pernicious weakness, falsely honoured with the appellation of +natural affection, and pay no manner of regard to the impertinent +customs of the world. "Granting that you had been for a short time +deemed a lunatic," said he, "you might have acquitted yourself +honourably of that imputation, by some performance that would have +raised your character above all censure. Sophocles himself, that +celebrated tragic poet, who, for the sweetness of his versification, +was styled Melitta, or "the Bee," in his old age, suffered the same +accusation from his own children. who, seeing him neglect his family +affairs, and devote himself entirely to poetry, carried him before +the magistrate, as a man whose intellects were so much impaired by +the infirmities of age, that he was no longer fit to manage his +domestic concerns; upon which the reverend bard produced his tragedy +of Oidipus epi Kolono, as a work he had just finished; which being +perused, instead of being declared unsound of understanding, he +was dismissed with admiration and applause. I wish your beard and +whiskers had been sanctioned by the like authority; though I am +afraid you would have been in the predicament of those disciples of +a certain philosopher, who drank decoctions of cummin seeds, that +their faces might adopt the paleness of their master's complexion, +hoping that, in being as wan, they would be as learned as their +teacher." The painter, stung by this sarcasm, replied, "or like +those virtuosi, who, by repeating Greek, eating sillikicaby, and +pretending to see visions, think they equal the ancients in taste +and genius." The physician retorted, Pallet rejoined, and the +altercation continued until they entered the gates of Antwerp, when +the admirer of Rubens broke forth into a rapturous exclamation, +which put an end to the dispute and attracted the notice of +the inhabitants, many of whom by shrugging up their shoulders and +pointing to their foreheads, gave shrewd indications that they +believed him a poor gentleman disordered in his brain. + +They had no sooner alighted at the inn, than this pseudo-enthusiast +proposed to visit the great church, in which he had been informed +some of his master's pieces were to be seen, and was remarkably +chagrined, when he understood that he could not be admitted +till next day. He rose next morning by day-break, and disturbed +his fellow-travellers in such a noisy and clamorous manner, that +Peregrine determined to punish him with some new infliction, and, +while he put on his clothes, actually formed the plan of promoting +a duel between him and the doctor, in the management of which, +he promised himself store of entertainment, from the behaviour of +both. + +Being provided with one of those domestics who are always in waiting +to offer their services to strangers on their first arrival, they +were conducted to the house of a gentleman who had an excellent +collection of pictures; and though the greatest part of them were +painted by his favourite artist, Pallet condemned them all by the +lump, because Pickle had told him beforehand that there was not +one performance of Rubens among the number. + +The next place they visited was what is called the Academy of +Painting, furnished with a number of paltry pieces, in which our +painter recognised the style of Peter Paul, with many expressions +of admiration, on the same sort of previous intelligence. + +From this repository, they went to the great church; and being led +to the tomb of Rubens, the whimsical painter fell upon his knees, +and worshipped with such appearance of devotion, that the attendant, +scandalized at his superstition, pulled him up, observing, with +great warmth, that the person buried in that place was no saint, +but as great a sinner as himself; and that, if he was spiritually +disposed, there was a chapel of the Blessed Virgin, at the distance +of three yards on the right hand, to which he might retire. He +thought it was incumbent upon him to manifest some extraordinary +inspiration, while he resided on the spot where Rubens was born; +and, therefore, his whole behaviour was an affectation of rapture, +expressed in distracted exclamations, convulsive starts, and uncouth +gesticulations. In the midst of this frantic behaviour, he saw an +old Capuchin, with a white beard, mount the pulpit, and hold forth +to the congregation with such violence of emphasis and gesture, as +captivated his fancy; and, bawling aloud, "Zounds! what an excellent +Paul preaching at Athens!" he pulled a pencil and a small memorandum +book from his pocket, and began to take a sketch of the orator, +with great eagerness and agitation, saying "Egad! friend Raphael, +we shall see whether you or I have got the best knack at trumping +up an apostle." This appearance of disrespect gave offence to the +audience, who began to murmur against this heretic libertine; when +one of the priests belonging to the choir, in order to prevent any +ill consequence from their displeasure, came and told him in the +French language, that such liberties were not permitted in their +religion, and advised him to lay aside his implements, lest the +people should take umbrage at his design, and be provoked to punish +him as a profane scoffer at their worship. + +The painter, seeing himself addressed by a friar, who, while +he spoke, bowed with great complaisance, imagined that he was a +begging brother come to supplicate his charity; and his attention +being quite engrossed by the design he was making, he patted the +priest's shaven crown with his hand, saying, Oter tems, oter tems, +and then resumed his pencil with great earnestness. The ecclesiastic, +perceiving that the stranger did not comprehend his meaning, pulled +him by the sleeve, and explained himself in the Latin tongue: upon +which Pallet, provoked at his intrusion, cursed him aloud for an +impudent beggarly son of a w--, and, taking out a shilling, flung +it upon the pavement, with manifest signs of indignation. + +Some of the common people, enraged to see their religion contemned, +and their priests insulted at the very altar, rose from their +seats, and, surrounding the astonished painter, one of the number +snatched his book from his hand, and tore it into a thousand pieces. +Frightened as he was, he could not help crying "Fire and fagots! +all my favourite ideas are gone to wreck!" and was in danger of +being very roughly handled by the crowd, had not Peregrine stepped +in, and assured them, that he was a poor unhappy gentleman, +who laboured under a transport of the brain. Those who understood +the French language communicated this information to the rest, so +that he escaped without any other chastisement than being obliged +to retire. And as they could not see the famous Descent from the +Cross till after the service was finished, they were conducted +by their domestic to the house of a painter, where they found a +beggar standing for his picture, and the artist actually employed +in representing a huge louse that crawled upon his shoulder. Pallet +was wonderfully pleased with this circumstance, which he said +was altogether a new thought, and an excellent hint, of which he +would make his advantage: and, in the course of his survey of this +Fleming's performances, perceiving a piece in which two flies were +engaged upon the carcass of a dog half devoured, he ran to his +brother brush, and swore he was worthy of being a fellow-citizen +of the immortal Rubens. He then lamented, with many expressions of +grief and resentment, that he had lost his commonplace book, in +which he had preserved a thousand conceptions of the same sort, +formed by the accidental objects of his senses and imagination; +and took an opportunity of telling his fellow-travellers, that in +execution he had equalled, if not excelled, the two ancient painters +who had vied with each other in the representation of a curtain +and a bunch of grapes; for he had exhibited the image of a certain +object so like to nature, that the bare sight of it set a whole +hog-sty in an uproar. + +When he had examined and applauded all the productions of this minute +artist, they returned to the great church, and were entertained +with the view of that celebrated masterpiece of Rubens, in which +he has introduced the portraits of himself and his whole family. +The doors that conceal this capital performance were no sooner +unfolded, than our enthusiast, debarred the use of speech, by +a previous covenant with his friend Pickle, lifted up his hands +and eyes, and putting himself in the attitude of Hamlet, when his +father's ghost appears, adored in silent ecstasy and awe. He even +made a merit of necessity; and, when they had withdrawn from the +place, protested that his whole faculties were swallowed up in love +and admiration. He now professed himself more than ever enamoured +of the Flemish school, raved in extravagant encomiums, and proposed +that the whole company should pay homage to the memory of the divine +Rubens, by repairing forthwith to the house in which he lived, and +prostrating themselves on the floor of his painting-room. + +As there was nothing remarkable in the tenement, which had been +rebuilt more than once since the death of that great man, Peregrine +excused himself from complying with the proposal, on pretence of +being fatigued with the circuit they had already performed. Jolter +declined it for the same reason; and the question being put to +the doctor, he refused his company with an air of disdain. Pallet, +piqued at his contemptuous manner, asked, "if he would not go and +see the habitation of Pindoor, provided he was in the city where +that poet lived?" and when the physician observed, that there was +an infinite difference between the men, "That I'll allow," replied +the painter, "for the devil a poet ever lived in Greece or Troy, +that was worthy to clean the pencils of our beloved Rubens." The +physician could not, with any degree of temper and forbearance, +hear this outrageous blasphemy, for which, he said, Pallet's eyes +ought to be picked out by owls; and the dispute arose, as usual, +to such scurrilities of language, and indecency of behaviour, that +passengers began to take notice of their animosity, and Peregrine +was obliged to interpose for his own credit. + + + + + +CHAPTER LXIII. + + + + +Peregrine artfully foments a Quarrel between Pallet and the Physician, +who fight a Duel on the Ramparts. + + +The painter betook himself to the house of the Flemish Raphael, +and the rest of the company went back to their lodgings; where +the young gentleman, taking the advantage of being alone with the +physician, recapitulated all the affronts he had sustained from +the painter's petulance, aggravating every circumstance of the +disgrace, and advising him, in the capacity of a friend, to take +care of his honour, which could not fail to suffer in the opinion +of the world, if he allowed himself to be insulted with impunity, +by one so much his inferior in every degree of consideration. + +The physician assured him, that Pallet had hitherto escaped +chastisement, by being deemed an object unworthy his resentment, and +in consideration of the wretch's family, for which his compassion +was interested; but that repeated injuries would inflame the most +benevolent disposition. And, though he could find no precedent of +duelling among the Greeks and Romans, whom he considered as the +patterns of demeanour, Pallet should no longer avail himself of +his veneration for the ancients, but be punished for the very next +offence he should commit. + +Having thus spirited up the doctor to a resolution from which he +could not decently swerve, our adventurer acted the incendiary with +the other party also; giving him to understand, that the physician +treated his character with such contempt, and behaved to him +with such insolence, as no gentleman ought to bear: that, for his +own part, he was every day put out of countenance by their mutual +animosity, which appeared in nothing but vulgar expressions, more +becoming shoe-boys and oyster-women than men of honour and education; +and therefore he should be obliged, contrary to his inclination, +to break off all correspondence with them both, if they would not +fall upon some method to retrieve the dignity of their characters. + +These representations would have had little effect upon the timidity +of the painter, who was likewise too much of a Grecian to approve +of single combat, in any other way than that of boxing, an exercise +in which he was well skilled, had they not been accompanied with an +insinuation, that his antagonist was no Hector, and that he might +humble him into any concession, without running the least personal +risk. Animated by this assurance, our second Rubens set the trumpet +of defiance to his mouth, swore he valued not his life a rush, +when his honour was concerned, and entreated Mr. Pickle to be the +bearer of a challenge, which he would instantly commit to writing. + +The mischievous fomenter highly applauded this manifestation of +courage, by which he was at liberty to cultivate his friendship +and society, but declined the office of carrying the billet, that +his tenderness of Pallet's reputation might not be misinterpreted +into an officious desire of promoting quarrels. At the same time, +he recommended Tom Pipes, not only as a very proper messenger +on this occasion, but also as a trusty second in the field. The +magnanimous painter took his advice, and, retiring to his chamber, +penned a challenge in these terms:-- + + "Sir,--When I am heartily provoked, I fear not the devil + himself; much less--I will not call you a pedantic coxcomb, + nor an unmannerly fellow, because these are the hippethets of + the vulgar; but, remember, such as you are, I nyther love you + nor fear you; but, on the contrary, expect satisfaction for your + audacious behaviour to me on divers occasions; and will, this + evening, in the twilight, meet you on the ramparts with sword + and pistol, where the Lord have mercy on the soul of one of us, + for your body shall find no favour with your incensed defier + till death, + "Layman Pallet." + +This resolute defiance, after having been submitted to the perusal, +and honoured with the approbation of our youth, was committed to +the charge of Pipes, who, according to his orders, delivered it +in the afternoon; and brought for answer, that the physician would +attend him at the appointed time and place. The challenger was +evidently discomposed at the unexpected news of this acceptance, +and ran about the house in great disorder, in quest of Peregrine, +to beg his further advice and assistance; but understanding that +the youth was engaged in private with his adversary, he began +to suspect some collusion, and cursed himself for his folly and +precipitation. He even entertained some thoughts of retracting his +invitation, and submitting to the triumph of his antagonist: but +before he would stoop to this opprobrious condescension, he resolved +to try another expedient, which might be the means of saving both +his character and person. In this hope he visited Mr. Jolter, and +very gravely desired he would be so good as to undertake the office +of his second in a duel which he was to fight that evening with +the physician. + +The governor, instead of answering his expectation, in expressing +fear and concern, and breaking forth into exclamations of "Good +God! gentlemen, what d'ye mean? You shall not murder one another +while it is in my power to prevent your purpose. I will go directly +to the governor of the place, who shall interpose his authority";--I +say, instead of these and other friendly menaces of prevention, +Jolter heard the proposal with the most phlegmatic tranquility, and +excused himself from accepting the honour he intended for him, on +account of his character and situation, which would not permit him +to be concerned in any such rencontres. Indeed, this mortifying +reception was owing to a previous hint from Peregrine, who, dreading +some sort of interruption from his governor, had made him acquainted +with his design, and assured him, that the affair should not be +brought to any dangerous issue. + +Thus disappointed, the dejected challenger was overwhelmed with +perplexity and dismay; and, in the terrors of death or mutilation, +resolved to deprecate the wrath of his enemy, and conform to any +submission he should propose, when he was accidentally encountered +by our adventurer, who, with demonstrations of infinite satisfaction, +told him in confidence, that the billet had thrown the doctor into +an agony of consternation; that his acceptance of his challenge +was a mere effort of despair, calculated to confound the ferocity +of the sender, and dispose him to listen to terms of accommodation; +that he had imparted the letter to him with fear and trembling, on +pretence of engaging him as a second, but, in reality, with a view +of obtaining his good offices in promoting a reconciliation; "but, +perceiving the situation of his mind," added our hero, "I thought +it would be more for your honour to baffle his expectation, and +therefore I readily undertook the task of attending him to the +field, in full assurance that he will there humble himself before +you, even to prostration. In this security, you may go and prepare +your arms, and bespeak the assistance of Pipes, who will squire +you in the field, while I keep myself up, that our correspondence +may not be suspected by the physician." Pallet's spirits, that were +sunk to dejection, rose at this encouragement to all the insolence +of triumph; he again declared his contempt of danger, and his +pistols being loaded and accommodated with new flints, by his trusty +armour-bearer, he waited, without flinching, for the hour of battle. + +On the first approach of twilight, somebody knocked at his door, +and Pipes having opened it at his desire, he heard the voice +of his antagonist pronounce, "Tell Mr. Pallet that I am going to +the place of appointment." The painter was not a little surprised +at this anticipation, which so ill agreed with the information he +had received from Pickle; and his concern beginning to recur, he +fortified himself with a large bumper of brandy, which, however, +did not overcome the anxiety of his thoughts. Nevertheless, he set +out on the expedition with his second, betwixt whom and himself +the following dialogue passed, in their way to the ramparts. + +"Mr. Pipes," said the painter, with disordered accent, "methinks +the doctor was in a pestilent hurry with that message of his."--"Ey, +ey," answered Tom, "I do suppose he longs to be foul of you."--"What," +replied the other, "d'ye think he thirsts after my blood?"--"To +be sure a does," said Pipes, thrusting a large quid of tobacco in +his check, with great deliberation. "If that be the case," cried +Pallet, beginning to shake, "he is no better than a cannibal, and +no Christian ought to fight him on equal footing." Tom observing +his emotion, eyed him with a frown of indignation, saying, "You an't +afraid, are you?"--"God forbid," replied the challenger, stammering +with fear; "what should I be afraid of? The worst he can do is to +take my life, and then he'll be answerable both to God and man for +the murder. Don't you think he will?"--"I think no such matter," +answered the second; "if so be as how he puts a brace of bullets +through your bows, and kills you fairly, it is no more murder than +if I was to bring down a noddy from the main top-sail yard." + +By this time Pallet's teeth chattered with such violence, that he +could scarce pronounce this reply: "Mr. Thomas, you seem to make +very light of a man's life; but I trust in the Almighty. I shall +not be so easily brought down. Sure many a man has fought a duel +without losing his life. Do you imagine that I run such a hazard +of falling by the hand of my adversary?"--"You may or you may not," +said the unconcerned Pipes, "just as it happens. What then? Death +is a debt that every man owes, according to the song; and if you +set foot to foot, I think one of you must go to pot."--"Foot to +foot!" exclaimed the terrified painter: "that's downright butchery; +and I'll be d-- before I fight any man on earth in such a barbarous +way. What! d'ye take me to be a savage beast?" This declaration he +made while they ascended the ramparts. + +His attendant perceiving the physician and his second at the +distance of a hundred paces before them, gave him notice of their +appearance, and advised him to make ready, and behave like a man. +Pallet in vain endeavoured to conceal his panic, which discovered +itself in a universal trepidation of body, and the lamentable tone in +which he answered this exhortation of Pipes, saying, "I do behave +like a man; but you would have me act the part of a brute. Are +they coming this way?" When Tom told him that they had faced about, +and admonished him to advance, the nerves of his arm refused their +office, he could not hold out his pistol, and instead of going +forward, retreated with an insensibility of motion; till Pipes, +placing himself in the rear, set his own back to that of his +principal, and swore he should not budge an inch farther in that +direction. + +While the valet thus tutored the painter, his master enjoyed the +terrors of the physician, which were more ridiculous than those +of Pallet, because he was more intent upon disguising them. His +declaration to Pickle in the morning would not suffer him to start +any objections when he received the challenge; and finding that the +young gentleman made no offer of mediating the affair, but rather +congratulated him on the occasion, when he communicated the painter's +billet, all his efforts consisted in oblique hints, and general +reflections upon the absurdity of duelling, which was first introduced +among civilised nations by the barbarous Huns and Longobards. He +likewise pretended to ridicule the use of firearms, which confounded +all the distinctions of skill and address, and deprived a combatant +of the opportunity of signalizing his personal prowess. + +Pickle assented to the justness of his observations; but, at the +same time, represented the necessity of complying with the customs +of this world, ridiculous as they were, on which a man's honour and +reputation depend: so that, seeing no hopes of profiting by that +artifice, the republican's agitation became more and more remarkable; +and he proposed, in plain terms, that they should contend in armour, +like the combatants of ancient days; for it was but reasonable that +they should practise the manner of fighting, since they adopted +the disposition of those iron times. + +Nothing could have afforded more diversion to our hero than the +sight of two such duellists cased in iron; and he wished that he +had promoted the quarrel in Brussels, where he could have hired +the armour of Charles the Fifth, and the valiant Duke of Parma, for +their accommodation; but as there was no possibility of furnishing +them cap-a-pie at Antwerp, he persuaded him to conform to the +modern use of the sword, and meet the painter on his own terms; +and suspecting that his fear would supply him with other excuses +for declining the combat, he comforted him with some distant +insinuations, to the prejudice of his adversary's courage, which +would, in all probability, evaporate before any mischief could +happen. + +Notwithstanding this encouragement, he could not suppress the +reluctance with which he went to the field, and cast many a wishful +look over his left shoulder, to see whether or not his adversary was +at his heels. When, by the advice of his second, he took possession +of the ground, and turned about with his face to the enemy, it was +not so dark, but that Peregrine could perceive the unusual paleness +of his countenance, and the sweat standing in large drops upon his +forehead; nay, there was a manifest disorder in his speech, when he +regretted his want of the pila and parma, with which he would have +made a rattling noise, to astonish his foe, in springing forward, +and singing the hymn to battle, in the manner of the ancients. + +In the meantime, observing the hesitation of his antagonist, who, +far from advancing, seemed to recoil, and even struggle with his +second, he guessed the situation of the painter's thoughts, and, +collecting all the manhood that he possessed, seized the opportunity +of profiting by his enemy's consternation. Striking his sword and +pistol together, he advanced in a sort of trot, raising a loud +howl, in which he repeated, in lieu of the Spartan song, part of +the strophe from one of Pindar's Pythia, beginning with ek theon gar +makanoi pasai Broteais aretais, etc. This imitation of the Greeks +had all the desired effect upon the painter, who seeing the physician +running towards him like a fury, with a pistol in his right hand, +which was extended, and hearing the dreadful yell he uttered, and +the outlandish words he pronounced, was seized with a universal +palsy of his limbs. He would have dropped down upon the ground, had +not Pipes supported and encouraged him to stand upon his defence. +The doctor, contrary to his expectation, finding that he had not +flinched from the spot, though he had now performed one half of +his career, put in practice his last effort, by firing his pistol, +the noise of which no sooner reached the ears of the affrighted +painter, than he recommended his soul to God, and roared for mercy +with great vociferation. + +The republican, overjoyed at this exclamation, commanded him to +yield, and surrender his arms, on pain of immediate death; upon +which he threw away his pistols and sword, in spite of all the +admonitions and even threats of his second, who left him to his +fate, and went up to his master, stopping his nose with signs of +loathing and abhorrence. + +The victor, having won the spolia opima, granted him his life, +on condition that he would on his knees supplicate his pardon, +acknowledge himself inferior to his conqueror in every virtue and +qualification, and promise for the future to merit his favour by +submission and respect. These insolent terms were readily embraced +by the unfortunate challenger, who fairly owned, that he was not +at all calculated for the purposes of war, and that henceforth he +would contend with no weapon but his pencil. He begged with great +humility, that Mr. Pickle would not think the worse of his morals +for this defect of courage, which was a natural infirmity inherited +from his father, and suspend his opinion of his talents, until +he should have an opportunity of contemplating the charms of his +Cleopatra, which would be finished in less than three months. + +Our hero observed, with an affected air of displeasure, that no man +could be justly condemned for being subject to the impressions of +fear, and therefore his cowardice might easily be forgiven: but +there was something so presumptuous, dishonest, and disingenuous, +in arrogating a quality to which he knew he had not the smallest +pretension, that he could not forget his misbehaviour all at once, +though he would condescend to communicate with him as formerly, in +hopes of seeking a reformation in his conduct. Pallet protested, +that there was no dissimulation in the case; for he was ignorant +of his own weakness, until his resolution was put to the trial: he +faithfully promised to demean himself, during the remaining part of +the tour, with that conscious modesty and penitence which became +a person in his condition; and, for the present, implored the +assistance of Mr. Pipes, in disembarrassing him from the disagreeable +consequence of his fear. + + + + + +CHAPTER LXIV. + + + + +The Doctor exults in his Victory--They set out for Rotterdam, where +they are entertained by two Dutch Gentlemen in a Yacht, which is +overturned in the Maese, to the manifest hazard of the Painter's +Life--They spend the Evening with their Entertainers, and next Day +visit a Cabinet of Curiosities. + + +Tom was accordingly ordered to administer to his occasions; and +the conqueror, elated with his success, which he in a great measure +attributed to his manner of attack, and the hymn which he howled, +told Peregrine, that he was now convinced of the truth of what +Pindar sung in these words, ossa de me pephileke Zeus atuzontai boan +Pieridon aionta; for he had no sooner begun to repeat the mellifluent +strains of that divine poet, than the wretch his antagonist was +confounded, and his nerves unstrung. + +On their return to the inn, he expatiated on the prudence and +tranquility of his own behaviour, and ascribed the consternation +of Pallet to the remembrance of some crime that lay heavy upon his +conscience; for, in his opinion, a man of virtue and common sense +could not possibly be afraid of death, which is not only the peaceful +harbour that receives him shattered on the tempestuous sea of life, +but also the eternal seal of his fame and glory, which it is no +longer in his power to forfeit and forego. He lamented his fate, +in being doomed to live in such degenerate days, when war is become +a mercenary trade; and ardently wished, that the day would come, +when he should have such an opportunity of signalizing his courage +in the cause of liberty, as that of Marathon, where a handful of +Athenians, fighting for their freedom, defeated the whole strength +of the Persian empire. "Would to heaven!" said he, "my muse were +blessed with an occasion to emulate that glorious testimony on the +trophy in Cyprus, erected by Cimon, for two great victories gained +on the same day over the Persians by sea and land; in which it +is very remarkable, that the greatness of the occasion has raised +the manner of expression above the usual simplicity and modesty of +all other ancient inscriptions." He then repeated it with all the +pomp of declamation, and signified his hope, that the French would +one day invade us with such an army as that which Xerxes led into +Greece, that it might be in his power to devote himself, like +Leonidas, to the freedom of his country. + +This memorable combat being thus determined, and everything that +was remarkable in Antwerp surveyed, they sent their baggage down +the Scheldt to Rotterdam, and set out for the same place in a +post-waggon, which that same evening brought them in safety to the +banks of the Maese. They put up at an English house of entertainment, +remarkable for the modesty and moderation of the landlord; and next +morning the doctor went in person to deliver letters of recommendation +to two Dutch gentlemen from one of his acquaintance at Paris. Neither +of them happened to be at home when he called; so that he left a +message at their lodgings, with his address; and in the afternoon, +they waited upon the company, and, after many hospitable professions, +one of the two invited them to spend the evening at his house. + +Meanwhile they had provided a pleasure yacht, in which they proposed +to treat them with an excursion upon the Maese. This being almost +the only diversion that place affords, our young gentleman relished +the proposal; and, notwithstanding the remonstrances of Mr. Jolter, +who declined the voyage on account of the roughness of the weather, +they went on board without hesitation, and found a collation +prepared in the cabin. While they tacked to and fro in the river, +under the impulse of a mackerel breeze, the physician expressed +his satisfaction, and Pallet was ravished with the entertainment. +But the wind increasing, to the unspeakable joy of the Dutchmen, who +had now an opportunity of showing their dexterity in the management +of the vessel, the guests found it inconvenient to stand upon deck, +and impossible to sit below, on account of the clouds of tobacco +smoke which rolled from the pipes of their entertainers, in such +volumes as annoyed them even to the hazard of suffocation. This +fumigation, together with the extraordinary motion of the ship, +began to affect the head and stomach of the painter, who begged +earnestly to be set on shore. But the Dutch gentlemen, who had +no idea of his sufferings, insisted, with surprising obstinacy of +regard, upon his staying until he should see an instance of the +skill of the mariners; and, bringing him on deck, commanded the +men to carry the vessel's lee gunwale under water. This nicety of +navigation they instantly performed, to the admiration of Pickle, +the discomposure of the doctor, and terror of Pallet, who blessed +himself from the courtesy of a Dutchman, and prayed to Heaven for +his deliverance. + +While the Hollanders enjoyed the reputation of this feat, and the +distress of the painter, at the same time, the yacht was overtaken +by a sudden squall, that overset her in a moment, and flung every +man overboard into the Maese, before they could have the least +warning of their fate, much less time to provide against the +accident. Peregrine, who was an expert swimmer, reached the shore +in safety; the physician, in the agonies of despair, laid fast +hold on the trunk-breeches of one of the men, who dragged him to +the other side; the entertainers landed at the bomb-keys, smoking +their pipes all the way with great deliberation; and the poor +painter must have gone to the bottom, had not he been encountered +by the cable of a ship that lay at anchor near the scene of their +disaster. Though his senses had forsaken him, his hands fastened by +instinct on this providential occurrence, which he held with such +a convulsive grasp, that, when a boat was sent out to bring him +on shore, it was with the utmost difficulty that his fingers were +disengaged. He was carried into a house, deprived of the use of +speech, and bereft of all sensation; and, being suspended by the +heels, a vast quantity of water ran out of his mouth. This evacuation +being made, he began to utter dreadful groans, which gradually +increased to a continued roar; and, after he had regained the use +of his senses, he underwent a delirium that lasted several hours. +As for the treaters, they never dreamed of expressing the least +concern to Pickle or the physician for what had happened, because +it was an accident so common as to pass without notice. + +Leaving the care of their vessel to the seamen, the company retired +to their respective lodgings, in order to shift their clothes; +and in the evening our travellers were conducted to the house of +their new friend, who, with a view of making his invitation the +more agreeable, had assembled, to the number of twenty or thirty +Englishmen, of all ranks and degrees, from the merchant to the +periwig-maker's prentice. + +In the midst of this congregation stood a chafing-dish with live +coals, for the convenience of lighting their pipes, and every +individual was accommodated with a spitting-box. There was not +a mouth in the apartment unfurnished with a tube, so that they +resembled a congregation of chimeras breathing fire and smoke; +and our gentlemen were fain to imitate their example in their own +defence. It is not to be supposed that the conversation was either +very sprightly or polite; that the whole entertainment was of +the Dutch cast--frowzy and phlegmatic; and our adventurer, as he +returned to his lodging, tortured with the headache, and disgusted +with every circumstance of his treatment, cursed the hour in which +the doctor had saddled them with such troublesome companions. + +Next morning by eight o'clock, these polite Hollanders returned +the visit, and, after breakfast, attended their English friends +to the house of a person that possessed a very curious cabinet of +curiosities, to which they had secured our company's admission. +The owner of this collection was a cheesemonger, who received them +in a woollen nightcap, with straps buttoned under his chin. As he +understood no language but his own, he told them, by the canal of +one of their conductors, that he did not make a practice of showing +his curiosities; but understanding that they were Englishmen, and +recommended to his friends, he was content to submit them to their +perusal. So saying, he led them up a dark stair, into a small room, +decorated with a few paltry figures in plaster of Paris, two or +three miserable landscapes, the skins of an otter, seal, and some +fishes stuffed; and in one corner stood a glass case, furnished +with newts, frogs, lizards, and serpents, preserved in spirits; +a human foetus, a calf with two heads, and about two dozen of +butterflies pinned upon paper. + +The virtuoso having exhibited these particulars, eyed the strangers +with a look soliciting admiration and applause; and as he could not +perceive any symptom of either in their gestures or countenances, +withdrew a curtain, and displayed a wainscot chest of drawers, in +which, he gave them to understand, was something that would agreeably +amuse the imagination. Our travellers, regaled with this notice, +imagined that they would be entertained with the sight of some +curious medals, or other productions of antiquity; but how were +they disappointed, when they saw nothing but a variety of shells, +disposed in whimsical figures, in each drawer! After he had detained +them full two hours with a tedious commentary upon the shape, size, +and colour of each department, he, with a supercilious simper, +desired that the English gentlemen would frankly and candidly +declare, whether his cabinet, or that of Mynheer Sloane, at London, +was the most valuable. When this request was signified in English +to the company, the painter instantly exclaimed, "By the Lard! they +are not to be named of a day. And as for that matter, I would not +give one corner of Saltero's coffee-house at Chelsea for all the +trash he hath shown." Peregrine, unwilling to mortify any person +who had done his endeavour to please him, observed, that what he +had seen was very curious and entertaining; but that no private +collection in Europe was equal to that of Sir Hans Sloane, which, +exclusive of presents, had cost an hundred thousand pounds. The +two conductors were confounded at this asseveration, which, being +communicated to the cheesemonger, he shook his head with a significant +grin; and, though he did not choose to express his incredulity in +words, gave our hero to understand, that he did not much depend +upon his veracity. From the house of this Dutch naturalist, they +were draggled all round the city by the painful civility of their +attendants, who did not quit them till the evening was well advanced, +and then not till after they had promised to be with them before +ten o'clock next day, in order to conduct them to a country house, +situated in a pleasant village on the other side of the river. + +Pickle was already so much fatigued with their hospitality, that, +for the first time of his life, he suffered a dejection of spirits; +and resolved, at any rate, to avoid the threatened persecution of +to-morrow. With this view, he ordered his servants to pack up some +clothes and linen in a portmanteau; and in the morning embarked, +with his governor, in the treckskuyt, for the Hague, whither +he pretended to be called by some urgent occasion, leaving his +fellow-travellers to make his apology to their friends, and assuring +them, that he would not proceed for Amsterdam without their society. +He arrived at the Hague in the forenoon, and dined at an ordinary +frequented by officers and people of fashion; where being informed +that the princess would see company in the evening, he dressed +himself in a rich suit of the Parisian cut, and went to court, +without any introduction. A person of his appearance could not fail +to attract the notice of such a small circle. The prince himself, +understanding he was an Englishman and a stranger, went up to him +without ceremony, and, having welcomed him to the place, conversed +with him for some minutes on the common topics of discourse. + + + + + +CHAPTER LXV. + + + + +They proceed to the Hague; from whence they depart for Amsterdam, +where they see a Dutch Tragedy--Visit the Music-house, in which +Peregrine quarrels with the Captain of a Man-of-War--They pass +through Haerlem, in their way to Leyden--Return to Rotterdam, where +the Company separates, and our Hero, with his Attendants, arrive +in safety at Harwich. + + +Being joined by their fellow-travellers in the morning, they made +a tour to all the remarkable places in this celebrated village: +saw the foundry, the Stadthouse, the Spinhuys, Vauxhall, and Count +Bentinck's gardens; and in the evening went to the French comedy, +which was directed by a noted harlequin, who had found means to +flatter the Dutch taste so effectually, that they extolled him as +the greatest actor that ever appeared in the province of Holland. +This famous company did not represent regular theatrical pieces, +but only a sort of impromptus, in which this noted player always +performed the greatest part of the entertainment. Among other sallies +of wit that escaped him, there was one circumstance so remarkably +adapted to the disposition and genius of his audience, that it were +a pity to pass it over in silence. A windmill being exhibited on +the scene, harlequin, after having surveyed it with curiosity and +admiration, asks one of the millers the use of that machine; and +being told that it was a windmill, observes, with some concern, +that as there was not the least breath of wind, he could not have +the pleasure of seeing it turn round. Urged by this consideration, +he puts himself into the attitude of a person wrapt in profound +meditation; and, having continued a few seconds in this posture, +runs to the miller with great eagerness and joy, and, telling him +that he had found an expedient to make his mill work; very fairly +unbuttons his breeches. Then presenting his posteriors to the sails +of the machine, certain explosions are immediately heard, and the +arms of the mill begin to turn round, to the infinite satisfaction +of the spectators, who approve the joke with loud peals of applause. + +Our travellers stayed a few days at the Hague, during which +the young gentleman waited on the British ambassador, to whom he +was recommended by his excellency at Paris, and lost about thirty +guineas at billiards to a French adventurer, who decoyed him into +the snare by keeping up his game. Then they departed in a post-waggon +for Amsterdam, being provided with letters of introduction to an +English merchant residing in that city, under whose auspices they +visited everything worth seeing, and. among other excursions, went +to see a Dutch tragedy acted, an entertainment which, of all others, +had the strangest effect upon the organs of our hero; the dress +of their chief personages was so antic, their manner so awkwardly +absurd, and their language so ridiculously unfit for conveying +the sentiment of love and honour, that Peregrine's nerves were +diuretically affected with the complicated absurdity, and he was +compelled to withdraw twenty times before the catastrophe of the +piece. + +The subject of this performance was the famous story of Scipio's +continence and virtue, in restoring the fair captive to her lover. +The young Roman hero was represented by a broadfaced Batavian, in +a burgomaster's gown and a fur cap, sitting smoking his pipe at a +table furnished with a can of beer, a drinking glass, and a plate +of tobacco. The lady was such a person as Scipio might well be +supposed to give away, without any great effort of generosity; and +indeed the Celtiberian prince seemed to be of that opinion; for, +upon receiving her from the hand of the victor, he discovered none +of those transports of gratitude and joy which Livy describes in +recounting this event. The Dutch Scipio, however, was complaisant +enough in his way; for he desired her to sit at his right hand, +by the appellation of Ya frow, and with his own fingers filling +a clean pipe, presented it to Mynheer Allucio, the lover. The +rest of the economy of the piece was in the same taste; which was +so agreeable to the audience, that they seemed to have shaken off +their natural phlegm, in order to applaud the performance. + +From the play our company adjourned to the house of their friend, +where they spent the evening; and the conversation turning upon +poetry, a Dutchman who was present, and understood the English +language, having listened very attentively to the discourse, lifted +up with both hands the greatest part of a Cheshire cheese that lay +upon the table, saying, "I do know vat is boetre. Mine brotre be +a great boet, and ave vrought a book as dick as all dat." Pickle, +diverted with this method of estimating an author according to the +quantity of his works, inquired about the subjects of this bard's +writings; but of these his brother could give no account, or other +information, but that there was little market for the commodity, +which hung heavy upon his hands, and induced him to wish he had +applied himself to another trade. + +The only remarkable scene in Amsterdam, which our company bad not +seen, was the Spuyl or music-houses, which, by the connivance of +the magistrates, are maintained for the recreation of those who +might attempt the chastity of creditable women, if they were not +provided with such conveniences. To one of these night-houses did +our travellers repair, under the conduct of the English merchant, +and were introduced into such another place as the ever-memorable +coffee-house of Moll King; with this difference, that the company +here were not so riotous as the bucks of Covent Garden, but formed +themselves into a circle, within which some of the number danced +to the music of a scurvy organ and a few other instruments, that +uttered tunes very suitable to the disposition of the hearers, while +the whole apartment was shrouded with clouds of smoke impervious +to the view. When our gentlemen entered, the floor was occupied by +two females and their gallants, who, in the performance of their +exercise, lifted their legs like so many oxen at plough and the +pipe of one of those hoppers happening to be exhausted, in the midst +of his saraband, he very deliberately drew forth his tobacco-box, +filling and lighting it again, without any interruption to the +dance. + +Peregrine being unchecked by the presence of his governor, who was +too tender of his own reputation to attend them in this expedition, +made up to a sprightly French girl who sat in seeming expectation +of a customer, and prevailing upon her to be his partner, led her +into the circle, and in his turn took the opportunity of dancing +a minuet, to the admiration of all present. He intended to have +exhibited another specimen of his ability in this art, when a captain +of a Dutch man-of-war chancing to come in, and seeing a stranger +engaged with the lady whom, it seems, he had bespoke for his +bedfellow, he advanced without any ceremony, and seizing her by +the arm, pulled her to the other side of the room. Our adventurer, +who was not a man to put up with such a brutal affront, followed +the ravisher with indignation in his eyes; and pushing him on one +side, retook the subject of their contest, and led her back to the +place from whence she had been dragged. The Dutchman, enraged at +the youth's presumption, obeyed the first dictates of his choler, +and lent his rival a hearty box on the ear; which was immediately +repaid with interest, before our hero could recollect himself +sufficiently to lay his hand upon his sword, and beckon the aggressor +to the door. + +Notwithstanding the confusion and disorder which this affair +produced in the room, and the endeavours of Pickle's company, who +interposed, in order to prevent bloodshed, the antagonists reached +the street; and Peregrine drawing, was surprised to see the +captain advance against him with a long knife, which he preferred +to the sword that hung by his side. The youth, confounded at this +preposterous behaviour, desired him, in the French tongue, to lay +aside that vulgar implement, and approach like a gentleman. But +the Hollander, who neither understood the proposal, nor would have +complied with this demand, had he been made acquainted with his +meaning, rushed forward like a desperado, before his adversary +could put himself on his guard; and if the young gentleman had not +been endued with surprising agility, his nose would have fallen +a sacrifice to the fury of the assailant. Finding himself in such +imminent jeopardy, he leaped to one side, and the Dutchman passing +him, in the force of his career, he with one nimble kick made such +application to his enemy's heels, that he flew like lightning into +the canal, where he had almost perished by pitching upon one of +the posts with which it is faced. + +Peregrine having performed this exploit, did not stay for the +captain's coming on shore, but retreated with all despatch, by the +advice of his conductor; and next day embarked, with his companions, +in the skuyt, for Haerlem, where they dined; and in the evening +arrived at the ancient city of Leyden, where they met with some +English students, who treated them with great hospitality. Not but +that the harmony of the conversation was that same night interrupted +by a dispute that arose between one of those young gentlemen and +the physician, about the cold and hot methods of prescription in +the gout and rheumatism; and proceeded to such a degree of mutual +reviling, that Pickle, ashamed and incensed at his fellow-traveller's +want of urbanity, espoused the other's cause, and openly rebuked +him for his unmannerly petulance, which, he said, rendered him +unfit for the purposes, and unworthy of the benefit, of society. +This unexpected declaration overwhelmed the doctor with amazement +and confusion; he was instantaneously deprived of his speech, and, +during the remaining part of the party, sat in silent mortification. +In all probability, he deliberated with himself, whether or not he +should expostulate with the young gentleman on the freedom he had +taken with his character in a company of strangers; but as he knew +he had not a Pallet to deal with, he very prudently suppressed that +suggestion, and, in secret, chewed the cud of resentment. + +After they had visited the physic-garden, the university, the +anatomical hall, and every other thing that was recommended to their +view, they returned to Rotterdam, and held a consultation upon the +method of transporting themselves to England. The doctor, whose +grudge against Peregrine was rather inflamed than allayed by our +hero's indifference and neglect, had tampered with the simplicity +of the painter, who was proud of his advances towards a perfect +reconciliation, and now took the opportunity of parting with our +adventurer, by declaring that he and his friend Mr. Pallet were +resolved to take their passage in a trading sloop, after he had +heard Peregrine object against that tedious, disagreeable, and +uncertain method of conveyance. Pickle immediately saw his intention, +and, without using the least argument to dissuade them from their +design, or expressing the smallest degree of concern at their +separation, very coolly wished them a prosperous voyage, and ordered +his baggage to be sent to Helvoetsluys. There he himself, and his +retinue, went on board of the packet next day, and, by the favour +of a fair wind, in eighteen hours arrived at Harwich. + + + + + +CHAPTER LXVI. + + + + +Peregrine delivers his Letters of Recommendation at London, and +returns to the Garrison, to the unspeakable joy of the Commodore +and his whole Family. + + +Now that our hero found himself on English ground, his heart dilated +with the proud recollection of his own improvement since he left +his native soil. He began to recognise the interesting ideas of his +tender years; he enjoyed, by anticipation, the pleasure of seeing +his friends in the garrison, after an absence of eighteen months; +and the image of his charming Emily, which other less worthy +considerations had depressed, resumed the full possession of +his breast. He remembered, with shame, that he had neglected the +correspondence with her brother, which he himself had solicited, +and in consequence of which he had received a letter from that young +gentleman, while he lived at Paris. In spite of these conscientious +reflections. he was too self-sufficient to think he should find +any difficulty in obtaining forgiveness for such sins of omission; +and began to imagine that his passion would be prejudicial to the +dignity of his situation, if it should not be gratified upon terms +which formerly his imagination durst not conceive. + +Sorry I am, that the task I have undertaken, lays me under the +necessity of divulging this degeneracy in the sentiment of our +imperious youth, who was now in the heyday of his blood, flushed with +the consciousness of his own qualifications, vain of his fortune, +and elated on the wings of imaginary expectation. Though he was +deeply enamoured of Miss Gauntlet, he was far from proposing her +heart as the ultimate aim of his gallantry, which, he did not doubt, +would triumph over the most illustrious females of the land, and +at once regale his appetite and ambition. + +Meanwhile, being willing to make his appearance at the garrison +equally surprising and agreeable, he cautioned Mr. Jolter against +writing to the commodore, who had not heard of them since their +departure from Paris, and hired a post-chaise and horses, for +London. The governor, going out to give orders about the carriage, +inadvertently left a paper book open upon the table; and his pupil, +casting his eyes upon the page, chanced to read these words: "Sept. +15. Arrived in safety, by the blessing of God, in this unhappy kingdom +of England. And thus concludes the journal of my last peregrination." +Peregrine's curiosity being inflamed by this extraordinary +conclusion he turned to the beginning, and perused several sheets +of a diary such as is commonly kept by that class of people known +by the denomination of travelling governors, for the satisfaction +of themselves and the parents or guardians of their pupils, and +for the edification and entertainment of their friends. + +That the reader may have a clear idea of Mr. Jolter's performance, +we shall transcribe the transactions of one day, as he had recorded +them; and that abstract will be a sufficient specimen of the whole +plan and execution of the work. + +"May 3. At eight o'clock, set out from Boulogne in a post-chaise: +the morning hazy and cold. Fortified my stomach with a cordial. +Recommended ditto to Mr. P. as an antidote against the fog. Mem. +He refused it. The hither horse greased in the off-pastern of the +hind leg. Arrived at Samers. Mem. This last was a post and a half, +i.e. three leagues, or nine English miles. The day clears up. A +fine champaign country, well stored with corn. The postillion says +his prayers in passing by a wooden crucifix upon the road. Mem. +The horses staled in a small brook that runs in a bottom, betwixt +two hills. Arrived at Cormont. A common post. A dispute with my +pupil, who is obstinate, and swayed by an unlucky prejudice. Proceed +to Montreuil, where we dine on choice pigeons. A very moderate +charge. No chamber-pot in the room, owing to the negligence of +the maid. This is an ordinary post. Set out again for Nampont. +Troubled with flatulences and indigestion. Mr. P. is sullen, and +seems to mistake an eructation for the breaking of wind backwards. +From Nampont depart for Bernay, at which place we arrive in the +evening, and propose to stay all night. N.B. The two last a redouble +posts, and our cattle very willing, though not strong. Sup on a +delicate ragout and excellent partridges, in company with Mr. H. +and his spouse. Mem. The said H. trod upon my corn by mistake. +Discharge the bill, which is not very reasonable. Dispute with Mr. +P. about giving money to the servant. He insists upon my giving +a twenty-four sols piece, which is too much by two-thirds, in all +conscience. N.B. She was a pert baggage, and did not deserve a +liard." + +Our hero was so much disobliged with certain circumstances of this +amusing and instructing journal, that, by way of punishing the +author, he interlined these words betwixt two paragraphs, in a +manner that exactly resembled the tutor's handwriting:" Mem. Had the +pleasure of drinking myself into a sweet intoxication, by toasting +our lawful king, and his royal family, among some worthy English +fathers of the Society of Jesus." + +Having taken this revenge, he set out for London, where he waited +upon those noblemen to whom he had letters of recommendation from +Paris; and was not only graciously received, but even loaded with +caresses and proffers of service, because they understood he was +a young gentleman of fortune, who, far from standing in need of +their countenance or assistance, would make a useful and creditable +addition to the number of their adherents. He had the honour of +dining at their tables, in consequence of pressing invitations, +and of spending several evenings with the ladies, to whom he was +particularly agreeable, on account of his person, address, and +bleeding freely at play. + +Being thus initiated in the beau monde, he thought it was high +time to pay his respects to his generous benefactor, the commodore; +and, accordingly, departed one morning, with his train, for the +garrison, at which he arrived in safety the same night. When he +entered the gate, which was opened by a new servant that did not +know him, he found his old friend, Hatchway, stalking in the yard, +with a nightcap on his head, and a pipe in his mouth; and, advancing +to him, took him by the hand before he had any intimation of his +approach. The lieutenant, thus saluted by a stranger, stared at +him in silent astonishment, till he recollected his features, which +were no sooner known, than, dashing his pipe upon the pavement, +he exclaimed, "Smite my cross-trees! th'art welcome to port"; and +hugged him in his arms with great affection. He then, by a cordial +squeeze, expressed his satisfaction at seeing his old shipmate, +Tom, who, applying his whistle to his mouth, the whole castle echoed +with his performance. + +The servants, hearing the well-known sound, poured out in a tumult +of joy; and, understanding that their young master was returned, +raised such a peal of acclamation, as astonished the commodore and +his lady, and inspired Julia with such an interesting presage, that +her heart began to throb with violence. Running out in the hurry +and perturbation of her hope, she was so much overwhelmed at sight +of her brother, that she actually fainted in his arms. But from +this trance she soon awaked; and Peregrine, having testified his +pleasure and affection, went upstairs, and presented himself before +his godfather and aunt. Mrs. Trunnion rose and received him with +a gracious embrace, blessing God for his happy return from a land +of impiety and vice, in which she hoped his morals had not been +corrupted, nor his principles of religion altered or impaired. The +old gentleman being confined to his chair, was struck dumb with +pleasure at his appearance; and, having made divers ineffectual +efforts to get up, at length discharged a volley of curses against +his own limbs, and held out his hand to his godson, who kissed it +with great respect. + +After he had finished his apostrophe to the gout, which was the +daily and hourly subject of his execrations, "Well, my lad," said +he, "I care not how soon I go to the bottom, now I behold thee safe +in harbour again; and yet I tell a d--d lie; I would I could keep +afloat until I should see a lusty boy of thy begetting. Odds my +timbers! I love thee so well, that I believe thou art the spawn +of my own body; though I can give no account of thy being put upon +the stocks." Then, turning his eyes upon Pipes, who by this time +had penetrated into his apartment, and addressed him with the usual +salutation of "What cheer?" "Ahey," cried he, "are you there, you +herring-faced son of a sea-calf? What a slippery trick you played +your old commander! But come, you dog, there's my fist; I forgive +you, for the love you bear to my godson. Go, man your tackle, and +hoist a cask of strong beer into the yard, knock out the bung, and +put a pump in it, for the use of all my servants and neighbours; +and, d'ye hear, let the patereroes be fired, and the garrison +illuminated, as rejoicings for the safe arrival of your master. By +the Lord! if I had the use of these d--d shambling shanks, I would +dance a hornpipe with the best of you." + +The next object of his attention was Mr. Jolter, who was honoured +with particular marks of distinction, and the repeated promise of +enjoying the living in his gift, as an acknowledgment of the care +and discretion with which he had superintended the education and +morals of our hero. The governor was so affected by the generosity of +his patron, that the tears ran down his cheeks, while he expressed +his gratitude, and the infinite satisfaction he felt in contemplating +the accomplishments of his pupil. + +Meanwhile, Pipes did not neglect the orders he had received. The +beer was produced, the gates were thrown open for the admission +of all comers, the whole house was lighted up, and the patereroes +were discharged in repeated volleys. Such phenomena could not fail +to attract the notice of the neighbourhood. The club at Tunley's +were astonished at the report of the guns, which produced various +conjectures among the members of that sagacious society. The landlord +observed, that, in all likelihood, the commodore was visited by +hobgoblins, and ordered the guns to be fired in token of distress, +as he had acted twenty years before, when he was annoyed by the +same grievance. The exciseman, with a waggish sneer, expressed +his apprehension of Trunnion's death, in consequence of which the +patereroes might be discharged with an equivocal intent, either as +signals of his lady's sorrow or rejoicing. The attorney signified +a suspicion of Hatchway's being married to Miss Pickle, and that +the firing and illuminations were in honour of the nuptials; upon +which Gamaliel discovered some faint signs of emotion, and, taking +the pipe from his mouth, gave it as his opinion, that his sister +was brought to bed. + +While they were thus bewildered in the maze of their own imaginations, +a company of countrymen, who sat drinking in the kitchen, and whose +legs were more ready than their invention, sallied out to know the +meaning of these exhibitions. Understanding that there was a butt +of strong beer abroach in the yard, to which they were invited +by the servants, they saved themselves the trouble and expense +of returning to spend the evening at the public-house, and listed +themselves under the banner of Tom Pipes, who presided as director +of this festival. + +The news of Peregrine's return being communicated to the parish, +the parson, and three or four neighbouring gentlemen, who were +well-wishers to our hero, immediately repaired to the garrison, +in order to pay their compliments on this happy event, and were +detained to supper. An elegant entertainment was prepared by the +direction of Miss Julia, who was an excellent housewife; and the +commodore was so invigorated with joy, that he seemed to have renewed +his age. Among those who honoured the occasion with their presence, +was Mr. Clover, the young gentleman that made his addresses to +Peregrine's sister. His heart was so big with his passion, that, +while the rest of the company were engrossed by their cups, he seized +an opportunity of our hero's being detached from the conversation, +and, in the impatience of his love, conjured him to consent to +his happiness; protesting, that he would comply with any terms of +settlement that a man of his fortune could embrace, in favour of +a young lady who was absolute mistress of his affection. + +Our youth thanked him very politely for his favourable sentiments +and honourable intention towards his sister, and told him, that +at present he saw no reason to obstruct his desire; that he would +consult Julia's own inclinations, and confer with him about the +means of gratifying his wish; but, in the meantime, begged to be +excused from discussing any point of such importance to them both. +Reminding him of the jovial purpose on which they were happily +met, he promoted such a quick circulation of the bottle, that their +mirth grew noisy and obstreperous; they broke forth into repeated +peals of laughter, without any previous incitement except that of +claret. These explosions were succeeded by Bacchanalian songs, +in which the old gentleman himself attempted to bear a share; +the sedate governor snapped time with his fingers, and the parish +priest assisted in the chorus with a most expressive nakedness of +countenance. Before midnight they were almost all pinned to their +chairs, as if they had been fixed by the power of enchantment; +and, what rendered the confinement still more unfortunate, every +servant in the house was in the same situation; so that they were +fain to take their repose as they sat, and nodded at each other +like a congregation of Anabaptists. + +Next day Peregrine communed with his sister on the subject of her +match with Mr. Clover, who, she told him, had offered to settle a +jointure of four hundred pounds, and take her to wife without any +expectation of a dowry. She moreover gave him to understand, that, +in his absence, she had received several messages from her mother, +commanding her to return to her father's house; but that she +had refused to obey these orders, by the advice and injunction of +her aunt and the commodore, which were indeed seconded by her own +inclination; because she had all the reason in the world to believe, +that her mother only wanted an opportunity of treating her with +severity and rancour. The resentment of that lady had been carried +to such indecent lengths, that, seeing her daughter at church one +day, she rose up, before the parson entered, and reviled her with +great bitterness, in the face of the whole congregation. + + + + + +CHAPTER LXVII. + + + + +Sees his Sister happily married--Visits Emilia, who receives him +according to his Deserts. + + +Her brother being of opinion, that Mr. Clover's proposal was not to +be neglected, especially as Julia's heart was engaged in his favour, +communicated the affair to his uncle, who, with the approbation +of Mrs. Trunnion, declared himself well satisfied with the young +man's addresses, and desired that they might be buckled with all +expedition, without the knowledge or concurrence of her parents, +to whom (on account of their unnatural barbarity) she was not bound +to pay the least regard. Though our adventurer entertained the same +sentiments of the matter, and the lover, dreading some obstruction, +earnestly begged the immediate condescension of his mistress, she +could not be prevailed upon to take such a material step, without +having first solicited the permission of her father; resolved, +nevertheless, to comply with the dictates of her own heart, should +his objections be frivolous or unjust. + +Urged by this determination, her admirer waited upon Mr. Gamaliel +at the public-house, and, with the appearance of great deference and +respect, made him acquainted with his affection for his daughter, +communicated the particulars of his fortune, with the terms of +settlement he was ready to make; and in conclusion told him, that +he would marry her without a portion. This last offer seemed to +have some weight with the father, who received it with civility, +and promised in a day or two to favour him with a final answer to +his demand. He, accordingly, that same evening consulted his wife, +who, being exasperated at the prospect of her daughter's independency, +argued with the most virulent expostulation against the match, as +an impudent scheme of her own planning, with a view of insulting +her parents, towards whom she had already been guilty of the most +vicious disobedience. In short, she used such remonstrances, as +not only averted this weak husband's inclination from the proposal +which he had relished before, but even instigated him to apply +for a warrant to apprehend his daughter, on the supposition that +she was about to bestow herself in marriage without his privity or +consent. + +The justice of peace to whom this application was made, though he +could not refuse the order, yet, being no stranger to the malevolence +of the mother, which, together with Gamaliel's simplicity, was +notorious in the county, he sent an intimation of what had happened +to the garrison; upon which a couple of sentinels were placed on +the gate, and at the pressing solicitation of the lover, as well +as the desire of the commodore, her brother, and aunt, Julia was +wedded without further delay, the ceremony being performed by Mr. +Jolter, because the parish priest prudently declined any occasion +of giving offence, and the curate was too much in the interest of +their enemies to be employed in that office. + +This domestic concern being settled to the satisfaction of our +hero, he escorted her next day to the house of her husband, who +immediately wrote a letter to her father, declaring his reasons for +having thus superseded his authority; and Mrs. Pickle's mortification +was unspeakable. + +That the new-married couple might be guarded against all insult, +our young gentleman and his friend Hatchway, with their adherents, +lodged in Mr. Clover's house for some weeks; during which they visited +their acquaintance in the neighbourhood, according to custom. When +the tranquility of their family was perfectly established, and +the contract of the marriage executed in the presence of the old +commodore and his lady, who gave her niece five hundred pounds to +purchase jewels and clothes, Mr. Peregrine could no longer restrain +his impatience to see his dear Emily; and told his uncle, that next +day he proposed to ride across the country, in order to visit his +friend Gauntlet, whom he had not heard of for a long time. + +The old gentleman, looking steadfastly in his face, "Ah! D--n your +cunning!" said he, "I find the anchor holds fast! I did suppose as +how you would have slipt your cable, and changed your berth; but, +I see, when a young fellow is once brought up by a pretty wench, +he may man his capstans and viol block, if he wool; but he'll as +soon heave up the Pike of Teneriffe, as bring his anchor aweigh! +Odds heartlikins! had I known the young woman was Ned Gauntlet's +daughter, I shouldn't have thrown out signal for leaving off chase." + +Our adventurer was not a little surprised to hear the commodore +talk in this style; and immediately conjectured that his friend +Godfrey had informed him of the whole affair. Instead of listening +to this approbation of his flame, with those transports of joy which +he would have felt, had he retained his former sentiments, he was +chagrined at Trunnion's declaration, and offended at the presumption +of the young soldier, in presuming to disclose the secret with +which he had entrusted him. Reddening with these reflections, he +assured the commodore that he never had serious thoughts of matrimony; +so that if any person had told him he was under any engagement of +that kind, he had abused his ear; for he protested that he would +never contract such attachments without his knowledge and express +permission. + +Trunnion commended him for his prudent resolution, and observed, +that, though no person mentioned to him what promises had passed +betwixt him and his sweetheart, it was very plain that he had made +love to her, and therefore it was to be supposed that his intentions +were honourable; for he could not believe he was such a rogue in his +heart, as to endeavour to debauch the daughter of a brave officer, +who had served his country with credit and reputation. Notwithstanding +this remonstrance, which Pickle imputed to the commodore's ignorance +of the world, he set out for the habitation of Mrs. Gauntlet, with +the unjustifiable sentiments of a man of pleasure, who sacrifices +every consideration to the desire of his ruling appetite; and, as +Winchester lay in his way, resolved to visit some of his friends +who lived in that place. It was in the house of one of these that +he was informed of Emilia's being then in town with her mother; upon +which he excused himself from staying to drink tea, and immediately +repaired to their lodgings, according to the directions he had +received. + +When he arrived at the door, instead of undergoing that perturbation +of spirits, which a lover in his interesting situation might be +supposed to feel, he suffered no emotion but that of vanity and +pride, favoured with an opportunity of self-gratification, and entered +his Emilia's apartment with the air of a conceited petit-maitre, +rather than that of the respectful admirer, when he visits the +object of his passion, after an absence of seventeen months. + +The young lady, having been very much disobliged at his mortifying +neglect of her brother's letter, had summoned all her own pride +and resolution to her aid; and, by means of a happy disposition, +so far overcame her chagrin at his indifference, that she was able +to behave in his presence with apparent tranquility and ease. She +was even pleased to find he had, by accident, chosen a time for +his visit when she was surrounded by two or three young gentlemen, +who professed themselves her admirers. Our gallant was no sooner +announced, than she collected all her coquetry, put on the gayest +air she could assume, and contrived to giggle just as he appeared +at the room door. The compliments of salutation being performed, +she welcomed him to England in a careless manner, asked the news +of Paris, and, before he could make any reply, desired one of the +other gentlemen to proceed with the sequel of that comical adventure, +in the relation of which he had been interrupted. + +Peregrine smiled within himself at this behaviour, which, without +all doubt, he believed she had affected to punish him for his unkind +silence while he was abroad, being fully persuaded that her heart +was absolutely at his devotion. On this supposition, he practised +his Parisian improvements on the art of conversation, and uttered a +thousand prettinesses in the way of compliment, with such incredible +rotation of tongue, that his rivals were struck dumb with astonishment, +and Emilia fretted out of all temper, at seeing herself deprived +of the prerogative of the sex. He persisted, however, in this +surprising loquacity, until the rest of the company thought proper +to withdraw, and then contracted his discourse into the focus of +love, which now put on a very different appearance from that which it +had formerly worn. Instead of awful veneration, which her presence +used to inspire, that chastity of sentiment, and delicacy of +expression, he now gazed upon her with the eyes of a libertine, +he glowed with the impatience of desire, talked in a strain that +barely kept within the bounds of decency, and attempted to snatch +such favours, as she, in the tenderness of mutual acknowledgments, +had once vouchsafed to bestow. + +Grieved and offended as she was, at this palpable alteration in +his carriage, she disdained to remind him of his former deportment, +and, with dissembled good-humour, rallied him on the progress +he had made in gallantry and address. But, far from submitting to +the liberties he would have taken, she kept her person sacred from +his touch, and would not even suffer him to ravish a kiss of her +fair hand; so that he reaped no other advantage from the exercise +of his talents, during this interview, which lasted a whole hour, +than that of knowing he had overrated his own importance, and that +Emily's heart was not a garrison likely to surrender at discretion. + +At length his addresses were interrupted by the arrival of the +mother, who had gone abroad to visit by herself; and the conversation +becoming more general, he understood that Godfrey was at London, +soliciting for a lieutenancy that had fallen vacant in the regiment +to which he belonged; and that Miss Sophy was at home with her +father. + +Though our adventurer had not met with all the success he expected +by his first visit, he did not despair of reducing the fortress, +believing that in time there would be a mutiny in his favour, and +accordingly carried on the siege for several days, without profiting +by his perseverance; till, at length, having attended the ladies +to their own house in the country, he began to look upon this +adventure as time misspent, and resolved to discontinue his attack, +in hopes of meeting with a more favourable occasion; being, in +the meantime, ambitious of displaying in a higher sphere, those +qualifications which his vanity told him were at present misapplied. + + + + + +CHAPTER LXVIII. + + + + +He attends his Uncle with great Affection during a Fit of +Illness--Sets out again for London--Meets with his Friend Godfrey, +who is prevailed upon to accompany him to Bath; on the Road to +which Place they chance to Dine with a Person who entertains them +with a curious Account of a certain Company of Adventurers. + + +Thus determined, he took leave of Emilia and her mother, on pretence +of going to London upon some urgent business, and returned to the +garrison, leaving the good old lady very much concerned, and the +daughter incensed at his behaviour, which was the more unexpected, +because Godfrey had told them that the commodore approved of his +nephew's passion. + +Our adventurer found his uncle so ill of the gout, which, for the +first time, had taken possession of his stomach, that his life was +in imminent danger, and the whole family in disorder. He therefore +took the reins of government in his own hands, sent for all the +physicians in the neighbourhood, and attended him in person with +the most affectionate care, during the whole fit, which lasted a +fortnight, and then retired before the strength of his constitution. + +When the old gentleman recovered his health, he was so penetrated +with Peregrine's behaviour, that he actually would have made +over to him his whole fortune, and depended upon him for his own +subsistence, had not our youth opposed the execution of the deed +with all his influence and might, and even persuaded him to make +a will, in which his friend Hatchway, and all his other adherents, +were liberally remembered, and his aunt provided for on her own +terms. This material point being settled, he, with his uncle's +permission, departed for London, after having seen the family +affairs established under the direction and administration of Mr. +Jolter and the lieutenant; for, by this time, Mrs. Trunnion was +wholly occupied with her spiritual concern. + +On his first arrival at London, he sent a card to the lodgings of +Gauntlet, in consequence of a direction from his mother; and that +young gentleman waited on him next morning, though not with that +alacrity of countenance and warmth of friendship which might have +been expected from the intimacy of their former connection. Nor +was Peregrine himself actuated by the same unreserved affection +for the soldier which he had formerly entertained. Godfrey, over +and above the offence he had taken at Pickle's omission in point +of corresponding with him, had been informed, by a letter from his +mother, of the youth's cavalier behaviour to Emilia, during his +last residence at Winchester; and our young gentleman, as we have +already observed, was disgusted at the supposed discovery which the +soldier had made in his absence to the commodore. They, perceived +their mutual umbrage at meeting, and received each other with that +civility of reserve which commonly happens between two persons +whose friendship is in the wane. + +Gauntlet at once divined the cause of the other's displeasure, and, +in order to vindicate his own character, after the first compliments +were passed, took the opportunity, on inquiring after the health +of the commodore, to tell Peregrine, that, while he tarried at the +garrison, on his return from Dover, the subject of the conversation, one +night, happening to turn on our hero's passion, the old gentleman +had expressed his concern about that affair; and, among other +observations, said, he supposed the object of his love was some +paltry hussy, whom he had picked up when he was a boy at school. +Upon which, Mr. Hatchway assured him, that she was a young woman of +as good a family as any in the county; and, after having prepossessed +him in her favour, ventured, out of the zeal of his friendship, to +tell who she was. Wherefore, the discovery was not to be imputed +to any other cause; and he hoped Mr. Pickle would acquit him of +ail share in the transaction. + +Peregrine was very well pleased to be thus undeceived; his countenance +immediately cleared up, the formality of his behaviour relaxed into +his usual familiarity; he asked pardon for his unmannerly neglect +of Godfrey's letter, which he protested, was not owing to any +disregard, or abatement of friendship, but to a hurry of youthful +engagements, in consequence of which he bad procrastinated his +answer from time to time, until he was ready to return in person. + +The young soldier was contented with this apology and, as Pickle's +intention, with respect to his sister, was still dubious and +undeclared, he did not think it was incumbent upon him, as yet, +to express any resentment on that score; but was wise enough to +foresee, that the renewal of his intimacy with our young gentleman +might be the means of reviving that flame which had been dissipated +by a variety of new ideas. With those sentiments, he laid aside +all reserve, and their communication resumed its former channel. +Peregrine made him acquainted with all the adventures in which +he had been engaged since their parting; and he, with the same +confidence, related the remarkable incidents of his own fate; +among other things, giving him to understand, that, upon obtaining +a commission in the army, the father of his dear Sophy, without +once inquiring about the occasion of his promotion, had not only +favoured him with his countenance in a much greater degree than +heretofore, but also contributed his interest, and even promised +the assistance of his purse, in procuring for him a lieutenancy, +which he was then soliciting with all his power; whereas, if he +had not been enabled, by a most accidental piece of good fortune, +to lift himself into the sphere of an officer, he had all the +reason in the world to believe that this gentleman, and all the +rest of his wealthy relations, would have suffered him to languish +in obscurity and distress; and by turning his misfortune into +reproach, made it a plea for their want of generosity and friendship. + +Peregrine, understanding the situation of his friend's affairs, +would have accommodated him upon the instant with a sum to accelerate +the passage of his commission through the offices; but, being too +well acquainted with his scrupulous disposition, to manifest his +benevolence in that manner, he found means to introduce himself to +one of the gentlemen of the War Office, who was so well satisfied +with the arguments used in behalf of his friend, that Godfrey's +business was transacted in a very few days, though he himself knew +nothing of his interest being thus reinforced. + +By this time, the season at Bath was begun; and our hero, panting +with the desire of distinguishing himself at that resort of +the fashionable world, communicated his design of going thither +to his friend Godfrey, whom he importuned to accompany him in the +excursion; and leave of absence from his regiment being obtained by +the influence of Peregrine's new quality friends, the two companions +departed from London in a post-chaise, attended, as usual, by the +valet-de-chambre and Pipes, who were become almost as necessary to +our adventurer as any two of his own organs. + +At the inn, when they alighted for dinner, Godfrey perceived a +person walking by himself in the yard, with a very pensive air, and, +upon observing him more narrowly, recognised him to be a professed +gamester, whom he had formerly known at Tunbridge. On the strength +of this acquaintance, he accosted the peripatetic, who knew him +immediately; and, in the fulness of his grief and vexation, told +him, that he was now on his return from Bath, where he had been +stripped by a company of sharpers, who resented that he should +presume to trade upon his own bottom. + +Peregrine, who was extremely curious in his inquiries, imagining +that he might learn some entertaining and useful anecdotes from this +artist, invited him to dinner, and was accordingly fully informed +of all the political systems at Bath. He understood that there was +at London one great company of adventurers, who employed agents +in all the different branches of imposition throughout the whole +kingdom of England, allowing these ministers a certain proportion +of the profits accruing from their industry and skill, and reserving +the greatest share for the benefit of the common stock, which was +chargeable with the expense of fitting out individuals in their +various pursuits, as well as with the loss sustained in the course +of their adventures. Some whose persons and qualifications are by +the company judged adequate to the task, exert their talents in +making love to ladies of fortune, being accommodated with money +and accoutrements for that purpose, after having given their bonds +payable to one or other of the directors, on the day of marriage, +for certain sums, proportioned to the dowries they are to receive. +Others versed in the doctrine of chances, and certain secret +expediences, frequent all those places where games of hazard are +allowed: and such as are masters in the arts of billiards, tennis, +and bowls, are continually lying in wait, in all the scenes of these +diversions, for the ignorant and unwary. A fourth class attend +horse-races, being skilled in those mysterious practices by which +the knowing ones are taken in. Nor is this community unfurnished with +those who lay wanton wives and old rich widows under contribution, +and extort money, by prostituting themselves to the embraces of +their own sex, and then threatening their admirers with prosecution. +But their most important returns are made by that body of their +undertakers who exercise their understandings in the innumerable +stratagems of the card table, at which no sharper can be too infamous +to be received, and even caressed by persons of the highest rank +and distinction. Among other articles of intelligence, our young +gentleman learned, that those agents, by whom their guest was broke, +and expelled from Bath. had constituted a bank against all sporters, +and monopolized the advantage in all sorts of play. He then told +Gauntlet, that, if he would put himself under his direction, he +would return with them, and lay such a scheme as would infallibly +ruin the whole society at billiards, as he knew that Godfrey excelled +them all in his knowledge of that game. + +The soldier excused himself from engaging in any party of that kind, +and after dinner the travellers parted; but, as the conversation +between the two friends turned upon the information they had received, +Peregrine projected a plan for punishing those villainous pests of +society, who prey upon their fellow-creatures; and it was put in +execution by Gauntlet in the following manner. + + + + + +CHAPTER LXIX. + + + + +Godfrey executes a Scheme at Bath, by which a whole Company of +Sharpers is ruined. + + +On the evening after their arrival at Bath, Godfrey, who had kept +himself up all day for that purpose, went in boots to the billiard +table; and, two gentlemen being at play, began to bet with so little +appearance of judgment, that one of the adventurers then present +was inflamed with a desire of profiting by his inexperience; and, +when the table was vacant, invited him to take a game for amusement. +The soldier, assuming the air of a self-conceited dupe, answered, +that he did not choose to throw away his time for nothing, but, if +he pleased, would piddle for a crown a game. This declaration was +very agreeable to the other, who wanted to be further confirmed in +the opinion he had conceived of the stranger, before he would play +for anything of consequence. The party being accepted, Gauntlet +put off his coat, and, beginning with seeming eagerness, won the +first game, because his antagonist kept up his play with a view of +encouraging him to wager a greater sum. The soldier purposely bit +at the hook, the stakes were doubled, and he was again victorious, +by the permission of his competitor. He now began to yawn; and +observing, that it was not worth his while to proceed in such a +childish manner; the other swore, in an affected passion, that he +would play him for twenty guineas. The proposal being embraced, +through the connivance of Godfrey, the money was won by the sharper, +who exerted his dexterity to the utmost, fearing that otherwise +his adversary would decline continuing the game. + +Godfrey thus conquered, pretended to lose his temper, cursed his +own ill-luck, swore that the table had a cast, and that the balls +did not run true, changed his mast, and with great warmth, challenged +his enemy to double the sum. The gamester, who feigned reluctance, +complied with his desire; and having got the two first hazards, +offered to lay one hundred guineas to fifty on the game. The odds +were taken; and Godfrey having allowed himself to be overcome, +began to rage with great violence, broke the mast to pieces, threw +the balls out of the window, and, in the fury of his indignation, +defied his antagonist to meet him tomorrow, when he should be +refreshed from the fatigue of travelling. This was a very welcome +invitation to the gamester, who, imagining that the soldier would +turn out a most beneficial prize, assured him, that he would not +fail to be there next forenoon, in order to give him his revenge. + +Gauntlet went home to his lodgings, fully certified of his own +superiority, and took his measures with Peregrine, touching the +prosecution of their scheme; while his opponent made a report of +his success to the brethren of the gang, who resolved to be present +at the decision of the match, with a view of taking advantage of +the stranger's passionate disposition. + +Affairs being thus concerted on both sides, the players met, according +to appointment, and the room was immediately filled with spectators, +who either came thither by accident, curiosity, or design. The match +was fixed for one hundred pounds a game, the principals chose their +instruments, and laid aside their coats, and one of the knights +of the order proffered to lay another hundred on the head of his +associate. Godfrey took him upon the instant. A second worthy of +the same class, seeing him so eager, challenged him to treble the +sum; and his proposal met with the same reception, to the astonishment +of the company, whose expectation was raised to a very interesting +pitch. The game was begun, and the soldier having lost the +first hazard, the odds were offered by the confederacy with great +vociferation; but nobody would run such a risk in favour of a person +who was utterly unknown. The sharper having gained the second also, +the noise increased to a surprising clamour, not only of the gang, +but likewise of almost all the spectators, who desired to lay two +to one against the brother of Emilia. + +Peregrine, who was present, perceiving the cupidity of the +association sufficiently inflamed, all of a sudden opened his mouth, +and answered their bets, to the amount of twelve hundred pounds; +which were immediately deposited, on both sides, in money and notes; +so that this was, perhaps, the most important game that ever was +played at billiards. Gauntlet seeing the agreement settled, struck +his antagonist's ball into the pocket in a twinkling, though it +was in one of those situations which are supposed to be against +the striker. The betters were a little discomposed at this event, +for which, however, they consoled themselves by imputing the success +to accident; but when, at the very next stroke, he sprung it over +the table, their countenances underwent an instantaneous distraction +of feature, and they waited, in the most dreadful suspense, for +the next hazard, which being likewise taken with infinite ease by +the soldier, the blood forsook their cheeks, and the interjection +"Zounds!" pronounced with a look of consternation, and in a tone +of despair, proceeded from every mouth at the same instant of time. +They were overwhelmed with horror and astonishment at seeing three +hazards taken in as many strokes, from a person of their friend's +dexterity; and shrewdly suspected, that the whole was a scheme +preconcerted for their destruction. On this supposition, they changed +the note, and attempted to hedge for their own indemnification, +by proposing to lay the odds in favour of Gauntlet; but so much +was the opinion of the company altered by that young gentleman's +success, that no one would venture to espouse the cause of his +competitor, who, chancing to improve his game by the addition of +another lucky hit, diminished the concern, and revived the hopes +of his adherents. + +But this gleam of fortune did not long continue. Godfrey collected +his whole art and capacity, and, augmenting his score to number ten, +indulged himself with a view of the whole fraternity. The visages +of these professors had adopted different shades of complexion +at every hazard he had taken: from their natural colour they had +shifted into a sallow hue; from thence into pale; from pale into +yellow, which degenerated into a mahogany tint; and now they saw +seventeen hundred pounds of their stock depending upon a single +stroke, they stood like so many swarthy Moors, jaundiced with +terror and vexation. The fire which naturally glowed in the cheeks +and nose of the player, seemed utterly extinct, and his carbuncles +exhibited a livid appearance, as if a gangrene had already made +some progress in his face; his hand began to shake, and his whole +frame was seized with such trepidation, that he was fain to swallow +a bumper of brandy, in order to re-establish the tranquility of +his nerves. This expedient, however, did not produce the desired +effect; for he aimed the ball at the lead with such discomposure, +that it struck on the wrong side, and came off at an angle which +directed it full in the middle hole. This fatal accident was +attended with a universal groan, as if the whole universe had gone +to wreck; and notwithstanding that tranquility for which adventurers +are so remarkable, this loss made such an impression upon them +all, that each in particular manifested his chagrin, by the most +violent emotions. One turned up his eyes to heaven, and bit his +nether lip; another gnawed his fingers, while he stalked across +the room; a third blasphemed with horrid imprecations; and he who +played the party sneaked off, grinding his teeth together, with a +look that baffles all description, and as he crossed the threshold, +exclaiming, "A d--d bite, by G--!" + +The victors, after having insulted them, by asking, if they were +disposed for another chance, carried off their winning, with the +appearance of great composure, though in their hearts they were +transported with unspeakable joy; not so much on account of the +booty they had gained, as in consideration of having so effectually +destroyed such a nest of pernicious miscreants. + +Peregrine, believing that now he had found an opportunity of serving +his friend, without giving offence to the delicacy of his honour, +told him, upon their arrival at their lodgings, that fortune had at +length enabled him to become in a manner independent, or at least +make himself easy in his circumstances, by purchasing a company with +the money he had won. So saying, he put his share of the success +in Gauntlet's hand, as a sum that of right belonged to him, and +promised to write in his behalf to a nobleman, who had interest +enough to promote such a quick rise in the service. + +Godfrey thanked him for his obliging intention, but absolutely +refused, with great loftiness of demeanour, to appropriate to his +own use any part of the money which Pickle had gained, and seemed +affronted at the other's entertaining a sentiment so unworthy of +his character. He would not even accept, in the way of loan, such +an addition to his own stock, as would amount to the price of +a company of foot; but expressed great confidence in the future +exertion of that talent which had been blessed with such a prosperous +beginning. Our hero finding him thus obstinately deaf to the voice +of his own interest, resolved to govern himself in his next endeavours +of friendship, by his experience of this ticklish punctilio; and, +in the meantime, gave a handsome benefaction to the hospital, out +of these first fruits of the success in play, and reserved two +hundred pounds for a set of diamond ear-rings and solitaire, which +he intended for a present to Miss Emily. + + + + + +CHAPTER LXX. + + + + +The two Friends eclipse all their Competitors in Gallantry, and +practise a pleasant Project of Revenge upon the Physicians of the +Place. + + +The fame of their exploit against the sharpers was immediately +diffused through all the companies at Bath; so that, when our +adventurers appeared in public, they were pointed out by an hundred +extended fingers, and considered as consummate artists in all the +different species of finesse, which they would not fail to practise +with the first opportunity. Nor was this opinion of their characters +any obstacle to their reception into the fashionable parties in +the place; but, on the contrary, such a recommendation, which, as +I have already hinted, never fails to operate for the advantage of +the possessor. + +This first adventure, therefore, served them as an introduction to +the company at Bath, who were not a little surprised to find their +expectations baffled by the conduct of the two companions; because, +far from engaging deeply at play, they rather shunned all occasions +of gaming, and directed their attention to gallantry, in which our +hero shone unrivalled. His external qualifications, exclusive of +any other merit, were strong enough to captivate the common run +of the female sex; and these, reinforced with a sprightliness of +conversation, and a most insinuating address, became irresistible, +even by those who were fortified with pride, caution, or indifference. +But, among all the nymphs of this gay place, he did not meet with +one object that disputed the empire of his heart with Emilia, and +therefore he divided his attachment according to the suggestions +of vanity and whim; so that, before he had resided a fortnight at +Bath, he had set all the ladies by the ears, and furnished all the +hundred tongues of scandal with full employment. The splendour of +his appearance excited the inquiries of envy, which, instead of +discovering any circumstances to his prejudice, was cursed with +the information of his being a young gentleman of a good family, +and heir to an immense fortune. + +The countenance of some of his quality friends, who arrived at Bath, +confirmed this piece of intelligence. Upon which his acquaintance +was courted and cultivated with great assiduity; and he met with +such advances from some of the fair sex, as rendered him extremely +fortunate in his amours. Nor was his friend Godfrey a stranger to +favours of the same kind; his accomplishments were exactly calculated +for the meridian of female taste; and, with certain individuals +of that sex, his muscular frame, and the robust connection of his +limbs, were more attractive than the delicate proportions of his +companion. He accordingly reigned paramount among those inamoratas +who were turned of thirty, without being under the necessity of +proceeding by tedious addresses, and was thought to have co-operated +with the waters in removing the sterility of certain ladies, who +had long undergone the reproach and disgust of their husbands; +while Peregrine set up his throne among those who laboured under +the disease of celibacy, from the pert miss of fifteen, who, +with a fluttering heart, tosses her head, bridles up, and giggles +involuntarily at sight of a handsome young man, to the staid +maid of twenty-eight, who, with a demure aspect, moralizes on the +vanity of beauty, the folly of youth, and simplicity of woman, +and expatiates on friendship, benevolence, and good sense, in the +style of a Platonic philosopher. + +In such a diversity of dispositions, his conquests were attended +with all the heart-burnings, animosities, and turmoils of jealousy +and spite. The younger class took all opportunities of mortifying +their seniors in public, by treating them with that indignity which, +contrary to the general privilege of age, is, by the consent and +connivance of mankind, leveled against those who have the misfortune +to come under the denomination of old maids; and these last retorted +their hostilities in the private machinations of slander, supported +by experience and subtilty of invention. Not one day passed in +which some new story did not circulate, to the prejudice of one or +other of those rivals. + +If our hero, in the long-room, chanced to quit one of the moralists, +with whom he had been engaged in conversation, he was immediately +accosted by a number of the opposite faction, who, with ironical +smiles, upbraided him with cruelty to the poor lady he had left, +exhorted him to have compassion on her sufferings; and, turning +their eyes towards the object of their intercession, broke forth +into a universal peal of laughter. On the other hand, when Peregrine, +in consequence of having danced with one of the minors overnight, +visited her in the morning, the Platonists immediately laid hold +on the occasion, tasked their imaginations, associated ideas, and, +with sage insinuations, retailed a thousand circumstances of the +interview, which never had any foundation in truth. They observed, +that, if girls are determined to behave with such indiscretion, they +must lay their accounts with incurring the censure of the world; +that she in question was old enough to act more circumspectly; and +wondered that her mother would permit any young fellow to approach +the chamber while her daughter was naked in bed. As for the servants +peeping through the key-hole, to be sure it was an unlucky accident; +but people ought to be upon their guard against such curiosity, and +give their domestics no cause to employ their penetration. These +and other such reflections were occasionally whispered as secrets +among those who were known to be communicative; so that, in a few +hours, it became the general topic of discourse; and, as it had +been divulged under injunctions of secrecy, it was almost impossible +to trace the scandal to its origin; because every person concerned +must have promulgated her own breach of trust, in discovering her +author of the report. + +Peregrine, instead of allaying, rather exasperated this contention, +by an artful distribution of his attention among the competitors; +well knowing, that, should his regard be converged into one point, +he would soon forfeit the pleasure he enjoyed in seeing them at +variance; for both parties would join against the common enemy, +and his favourite would be persecuted by the whole coalition. He +perceived, that, among the secret agents of scandal, none were so +busy as the physicians, a class of animals who live in this place, +like so many ravens hovering about a carcase, and even ply for +employment, like scullers at Hungerford-stairs. The greatest part +of them have correspondents in London, who make it their business +to inquire into the history, character, and distemper of every one +that repairs to Bath, for the benefit of the waters, and if they +cannot procure interest to recommend their medical friends to these +patients before they set out, they at least furnish them with a +previous account of what they could collect, that their correspondents +may use this intelligence for their own advantage. By these means, +and the assistance of flattery and assurance, they often insinuate +themselves into the acquaintance of strangers, and, by consulting +their dispositions, become necessary and subservient to their +prevailing passions. By their connection with apothecaries and +nurses, they are informed of all the private occurrences in each +family, and therefore enabled to gratify the rancour of malice, amuse +the spleen of peevish indisposition, and entertain the eagerness +of impertinent curiosity. + +In the course of these occupations, which frequently affected the +reputation of our two adventurers, this whole body fell under the +displeasure of our hero, who, after divers consultations with his +friend, concerted a stratagem, which was practised upon the faculty +in this manner. Among those who frequented the pump-room, was an +old officer, whose temper, naturally impatient, was, by repeated +attacks of the gout, which had almost deprived him of the use of +his limbs, sublimated into a remarkable degree of virulence and +perverseness. He imputed the inveteracy of his distemper to the +malpractice of a surgeon who had administered to him, while he +laboured under the consequences of an unfortunate amour; and this +supposition had inspired him with an insurmountable antipathy +to all the professors of the medical art, which was more and more +confirmed by the information of a friend at London, who had told +him, that it was the common practice among the physicians at Bath +to dissuade their patients from drinking the water, that the cure, +and in consequence their attendance, might be longer protracted. + +Thus prepossessed, he had come to Bath, and, conformable to a few +general instructions he had received, used the waters without any +farther direction, taking all occasions of manifesting his hatred and +contempt of the sons of Esculapius, both by speech and gesticulations, +and even by pursuing a regimen quite contrary to that which he knew +they prescribed to others who seemed to be exactly in his condition. +But he did not find his account in this method, how successful +soever it may have been in other cases. His complaints, instead +of vanishing, were every day more and more enraged: and at length +he was confined to his bed, where he lay blaspheming from morn to +night, and from night to morn, though still more determined than +ever to adhere to his former maxims. + +In the midst of his torture, which was become the common joke of +the town, being circulated through the industry of the physicians, +who triumphed in his disaster, Peregrine, by means of Mr. Pipes, +employed a country fellow, who had come to market, to run with +great haste, early one morning, to the lodgings of all the doctors +in town, and desire them to attend the colonel with all imaginable +despatch. In consequence of this summons, the whole faculty put +themselves in motion; and three of the foremost arriving at the +same instant of time, far from complimenting one another with the +door, each separately essayed to enter, and the whole triumvirate +stuck in the passage. While they remained thus wedged together, +they descried two of their brethren posting towards the same goal, +with all the speed that God had enabled them to exert; upon which +they came to a parley, and agreed to stand by one another. This +covenant being made, they disentangled themselves, and, inquiring +about the patient, were told by the servant that he had just fallen +asleep. + +Having received this intelligence, they took possession of his +ante-chamber, and shut the door, while the rest of the tribe posted +themselves on the outside as they arrived; so that the whole passage +was filled, from the top of the staircase to the street-door; +and the people of the house, together with the colonel's servant, +struck dumb with astonishment. The three leaders of this learned +gang had no sooner made their lodgment good, than they began to +consult about the patient's malady, which every one of them pretended +to have considered with great care and assiduity. The first who +gave his opinion, said, the distemper was an obstinate arthritis; +the second affirmed, that it was no other than a confirmed pox; +and the third swore, it was an inveterate scurvy. This diversity +of opinions was supported by a variety of quotations from medical +authors, ancient as well as modern; but these were not of sufficient +authority, or, at least, not explicit enough to decide the dispute; +for there are many schisms in medicine, as well as in religion, +and each sect can quote the fathers in support of the tenets they +profess. In short, the contention rose to such a pitch of clamour, +as not only alarmed the brethren on the stair, but also awaked +the patient from the first nap he had enjoyed in the space of ten +whole days. Had it been simply waking, he would have been obliged +to them for the noise that disturbed him; for, in that case, he +would have been relieved from the tortures of hell fire, to which, in +his dreams, he fancied himself exposed. But this dreadful vision +had been the result of that impression which was made upon his +brain by the intolerable anguish of his joints; so that, when he +awaked, the pain, instead of being allayed, was rather aggravated +by a great acuteness of sensation; and the confused vociferation +in the next room invading his ears at the same time, he began to +think his dream was realised, and, in the pangs of despair, applied +himself to a bell that stood by his bedside, which he rung with +great violence and perseverance. + +This alarm put an immediate stop to the disputation of the three +doctors, who, upon this notice of his being awake, rushed into his +chamber, without ceremony; and two of them seizing his arms, the +third made the like application to one of his temples. Before the +patient could recollect himself from the amazement which had laid +hold on him at this unexpected irruption, the room was filled +by the rest of the faculty, who followed the servant that entered +in obedience to his master's call; and the bed was in a moment +surrounded by these gaunt ministers of death. The colonel seeing +himself beset with such an assemblage of solemn visages and figures, +which he had always considered with the utmost detestation and +abhorrence, was incensed to a most inexpressible degree of indignation; +and so inspirited by his rage, that though his tongue denied its +office, his other limbs performed their functions. He disengaged +himself from the triumvirate, who had taken possession of his body, +sprung out of bed with incredible agility, and, seizing one of his +crutches, applied it so effectually to one of the three, just as +he stooped to examine the patient's water, that his tie-periwig +dropped into the pot, while he himself fell motionless on the floor. + +This significant explanation disconcerted the whole fraternity; +every man turned his face, as if it were by instinct, towards the +door; and the retreat of the community being obstructed by the +efforts of individuals, confusion and tumultuous uproar ensued. For +the colonel, far from limiting his prowess to the first exploit, +handled his weapon with astonishing vigour and dexterity, without +respect of persons; so that few or none of them had escaped without +marks of his displeasure, when his spirits failed, and he sank down +again quite exhausted on his bed. Favoured by this respite, the +discomfited faculty collected their hats and wigs, which had fallen +off in the fray; and perceiving the assailant too much enfeebled +to renew the attack, set up their throats together, and loudly +threatened to prosecute him severely for such an outrageous assault. + +By this time the landlord had interposed; and, inquiring into the +cause of the disturbance, was informed of what had happened by the +complainants, who, at the same time, giving him to understand that +they had been severally summoned to attend the colonel that morning, +he assured them that they had been imposed upon by some wag, for his +lodger had never dreamed of consulting any one of their profession. + +Thunderstruck at this declaration, the general clamour instantaneously +ceased; and each, in particular, at once comprehending the nature +of the joke, they sneaked silently off with the loss they had +sustained, in unutterable shame and mortification; while Peregrine +and his friend, who took care to be passing that way by accident, +made a full stop at sight of such an extraordinary efflux, and +enjoyed the countenance and condition of every one as he appeared; +nay, even made up to some of those who seemed most affected with +their situation, and mischievously tormented them with questions, +touching this unusual congregation; then, in consequence of +the information they received from the landlord and the colonel's +valet, subjected the sufferers to the ridicule of all the company +in town. As it would have been impossible for the authors of this +farce to keep themselves concealed from the indefatigable inquiries +of the physicians, they made no secret of their having directed +the whole: though they took care to own it in such an ambiguous +manner, as afforded no handle of prosecution. + + + + + +CHAPTER LXXI. + + + + +Peregrine humbles a noted Hector, and meets with a strange Character +at the House of a certain Lady. + + +Among those who never failed to reside at Bath during the season, +was a certain person, who, from the most abject misery, had, by his +industry and art at play, amassed about fifteen thousand pounds; +and though his character was notorious, insinuated himself so far +into the favour of what is called the best company, that very few +private parties of pleasure took place in which he was not principally +concerned. He was of a gigantic stature, a most intrepid countenance; +and his disposition, naturally overbearing, had, in the course of +his adventures and success, acquired a most intolerable degree of +insolence and vanity. By the ferocity of his features, and audacity +of his behaviour, he had obtained a reputation for the most undaunted +courage, which had been confirmed by divers adventures, in which +he had humbled the most assuming heroes of his own fraternity; so +that he now reigned chief Hector of the place with unquestioned +authority. + +With this son of fortune was Peregrine one evening engaged at play, +and so successful, that he could not help informing his friend +of his good luck. Godfrey, hearing the description of the loser, +immediately recognized the person, whom he had known at Tunbridge; +and, assuring Pickle that he was a sharper of the first water, +cautioned him against any further connection with such a dangerous +companion, who, he affirmed, had suffered him to win a small sum, +that he might be encouraged to lose a much greater sum upon some +other occasion. + +Our young gentleman treasured up this advice; and though he did +not scruple to give the gamester an opportunity of retrieving his +loss, when he next day demanded his revenge, he absolutely refused +to proceed after he had refunded his winning. The other, who considered +him as a hot-headed unthinking youth, endeavoured to inflame his +pride to a continuance of the game, by treating his skill with scorn +and contempt; and, among other sarcastic expressions, advised him +to go to school again, before he pretended to engage with masters +of the art. Our hero, incensed at his arrogance, replied with great +warmth, that he knew himself sufficiently qualified for playing +with men of honour, who deal upon the square, and hoped he should +always deem it infamous either to learn or practise the tricks of +a professed gamester. "Blood and thunder! meaning me, sir?" cried +this artist, raising his voice, and curling his visage into a most +intimidating frown. "Zounds! I'll cut the throat of any scoundrel +who has the presumption to suppose that I don't play as honourably +as e'er a nobleman in the kingdom: and I insist upon an explanation +from you, sir; or, by hell and brimstone! I shall expect other +sort of satisfaction." Peregrine (whose blood by this time boiled +within him) answered without hesitation, "Far from thinking your +demand unreasonable, I will immediately explain myself without +reserve, and tell you, that, upon unquestionable authority, I +believe you to be an impudent rascal and common cheat." + +The Hector was so amazed and confounded at the freedom of this +declaration, which he thought no man on earth would venture to make +in his presence, that, for some minutes, he could not recollect +himself; but at length whispered a challenge in the ear of our +hero, which was accordingly accepted. When they arrived next morning +upon the field, the gamester, arming his countenance with all its +terrors, advanced with a sword of a monstrous length, and, putting +himself in a posture, called out aloud in a most terrific voice, +"Draw, d--n ye, draw; I will this instant send you to your fathers." +The youth was not slow in complying with his desire; his weapon was +unsheathed in a moment, and he began the attack with such unexpected +spirit and address, that his adversary, having made shift with +great difficulty to parry the first pass, retreated a few paces, +and demanded a parley, in which he endeavoured to persuade the +young man, that to lay a man of his character under the necessity +of chastising his insolence, was the most rash and inconsiderate +step that he could possibly have taken; but that he had compassion +upon his youth, and was willing to spare him if he would surrender +his sword, and promise to ask pardon in public for the offence +he had given. Pickle was so much exasperated at this unparalleled +effrontery, that, without deigning to make the least reply, he +flung his own hat in the proposer's face, and renewed the charge +with such undaunted agility, that the gamester, finding himself in +manifest hazard of his life, betook himself to his heels, and fled +homewards with incredible speed, being closely pursued by Peregrine, +who, having sheathed his sword, pelted him with stones as he ran, +and compelled him to go, that same day, into banishment from Bath, +where he had domineered so long. + +By this achievement, which was the subject of astonishment to all +the company, who had looked upon the fugitive as a person of heroic +courage, our adventurer's reputation was rendered formidable in +all its circumstances; although he thereby disobliged a good many +people of fashion, who had contracted an intimacy of friendship +with the exile, and who resented his disgrace, as if it had been +the misfortune of a worthy man. These generous patrons, however, +bore a very small proportion to those who were pleased with the +event of the duel; because, in the course of their residence at +Bath, they had either been insulted or defrauded by the challenger. +Nor was this instance of our hero's courage unacceptable to +the ladies, few of whom could now resist the united force of such +accomplishments. Indeed, neither he nor his friend Godfrey would +have found much difficulty in picking up an agreeable companion for +life; but Gauntlet's heart was pre-engaged to Sophy; and Pickle, +exclusive of his attachment to Emily, which was stronger than he +himself imagined, possessed such a share of ambition as could not +be satisfied with the conquest of any female he beheld at Bath. + +His visits were, therefore, promiscuous, without any other view +than that of amusement; and though his pride was flattered by the +advances of the fair, whom he had captivated, he never harboured +one thought of proceeding beyond the limits of common gallantry, +and carefully avoided all particular explanations. But, what above +all other enjoyments yielded him the most agreeable entertainment, +was the secret history of characters, which he learned from a very +extraordinary person, with whom he became acquainted in this manner. + +Being at the house of a certain lady on a visiting day, he was struck +with the appearance of an old man, who no sooner entered the room +than the mistress of the house very kindly desired one of the wits +present to roast the old put. This petit-maitre, proud of the +employment, went up to the senior, who had something extremely +peculiar and significant in his countenance, and saluting him with +divers fashionable congees, accosted him in these words: "Your +servant, you old rascal. I hope to have the honour of seeing you +hanged. I vow to Gad! you look extremely shocking, with these gummy +eyes, lanthorn jaws, and toothless chaps. What! you squint at the +ladies, you old rotten medlar? Yes, yes, we understand your ogling; +but you must content yourself with a cook-maid, sink me! I see you +want to sit. These withered shanks of yours tremble under their +burden; but you must have a little patience, old Hirco! indeed you +must. I intend to mortify you a little longer, curse me!" + +The company was so tickled with this address, which was delivered +with much grimace and gesticulation, that they burst out into a +loud fit of laughter, which they fathered upon a monkey that was +chained in the room; and, when the peal was over, the wit renewed +the attack in these words: "I suppose you are fool enough to think +this mirth was occasioned by Pug. Ay, there he is; you had best +survey him; he is of your own family; switch me. But the laugh was +at your expense; and you ought to thank Heaven for making you so +ridiculous." While he uttered these ingenious ejaculations, the +old gentleman bowed alternately to him and the monkey, that seemed +to grin and chatter in imitation of the beau, and, with an arch +solemnity of visage, pronounced, "Gentlemen, as I have not the honour +to understand your compliments, they will be much better bestowed +on each other." So saying, he seated himself, and had the satisfaction +to see the laugh returned upon the aggressor, who remained confounded +and abashed, and in a few minutes left the room, muttering, as he +retired, "The old fellow grows scurrilous, stap my breath!" + +While Peregrine wondered in silence at this extraordinary scene, the +lady of the house perceiving his surprise, gave him to understand, +that the ancient visitant was utterly bereft of the sense of hearing; +that his name was Cadwallader Crabtree, his disposition altogether +misanthropical; and that he was admitted into company on account +of entertainment he afforded by his sarcastic observations, and +the pleasant mistakes to which he was subject from his infirmity. +Nor did our hero wait a long time for an illustration of this odd +character. Every sentence he spoke was replete with gall; nor did +his satire consist in general reflections, but a series of remarks, +which had been made through the medium of a most whimsical peculiarity +of opinion. + +Among those who were present at this assembly was a young officer, +who having, by dint of interest, obtained a seat in the lower +house, thought it incumbent upon him to talk of affairs of state; +and accordingly regaled the company with an account of a secret +expedition which the French were busied in preparing; assuring +them that he had it from the mouth of the minister, to whom it had +been transmitted by one of his agents abroad. In descanting upon +the particulars of the armament, he observed that they had twenty +ships of the line ready manned and victualled at Brest, which were +destined for Toulon, where they would be joined by as many more; +and from thence proceed to the execution of their scheme, which he +imparted as a secret not fit to be divulged. + +This piece of intelligence being communicated to all the company +except Mr. Crabtree, who suffered by his loss of hearing, that cynic +was soon after accosted by a lady, who, by means of an artificial +alphabet, formed by a certain conjunction and disposition of the +fingers, asked if he had heard any extraordinary news of late. +Cadwallader, with his usual complaisance, replied, that he supposed +she took him for a courier or spy, by teasing him eternally with +that question. He then expatiated upon the foolish curiosity of +mankind, which, he said, must either proceed from idleness or want +of ideas; and repeated almost verbatim the officer's information, +a vague ridiculous report invented by some ignorant coxcomb, who +wanted to give himself airs of importance, and believed only by +those who were utterly unacquainted with the politics and strength +of the French nation. + +In confirmation of what he had advanced, he endeavoured to demonstrate +how impossible it must be for that people to fit out even the third +part of such a navy, so soon after the losses they had sustained +during the war; and confirmed his proof by asserting, that to +his certain knowledge, the harbours of Brest and Toulon could not +at that time produce a squadron of eight ships of the line. The +member, who was an utter stranger to this misanthrope, hearing his +own asseverations treated with such contempt, glowed with confusion +and resentment, and, raising his voice, began to defend his own +veracity, with great eagerness and trepidation, mingling with his +arguments many blustering invectives, against the insolence and +ill manners of his supposed contradictor, who sat with the most +mortifying composure of countenance, till the officer's patience +was quite exhausted, and then, to the manifest increase of his +vexation, he was informed, that his antagonist was so deaf, that +in all probability, the last trumpet would make no impression upon +him, without a previous renovation of his organs. + + + + + +CHAPTER LXXII. + + + + +He cultivates an Acquaintance with the Misanthrope, who favours +him with a short Sketch of his own History. + + +Peregrine was extremely well pleased with this occasional rebuke, +which occurred so seasonably, that he could scarce believe it +accidental. He looked upon Cadwallader as the greatest curiosity +he had ever known, and cultivated the old man's acquaintance with +such insinuating address, that in less than a fortnight he obtained +his confidence. As they one day walked into the fields together, +the man-hater disclosed himself in these words:--"Though the term +of our communication has been but short, you must have perceived, +that I treat you with uncommon marks of regard; which, I assure +you, is not owing to your personal accomplishments, nor the pains +you take to oblige me; for the first I overlook, and the last I see +through. But there is something in your disposition which indicates +a rooted contempt for the world, and I understand you have made +some successful efforts in exposing one part of it to the ridicule +of the other. It is upon this assurance that I offer you my advice +and assistance, in prosecuting other schemes of the same nature; +and to convince you that such an alliance is not to be rejected, +I will now give you a short sketch of my history, which will be +published after my death, in forty-seven volumes of my own compiling. + +"I was born about forty miles from this place, of parents who, having +a very old family name to support, bestowed their whole fortune +on my elder brother; so that I inherited of my father little else +than a large share of choler, to which I am indebted for a great +many adventures that did not always end to my satisfaction. At the +age of eighteen I was sent up to town, with a recommendation to +a certain peer, who found means to amuse me with the promise of a +commission for seven whole years; and 'tis odds but I should have +made my fortune by my perseverance, had not I been arrested, and +thrown into the Marshalsea by my landlord, on whose credit I had +subsisted three years, after my father had renounced me as an idle +vagabond. There I remained six months, among those prisoners who +have no other support than chance charity; and contracted a very +valuable acquaintance, which was of great service to me in the +future emergencies of my life. + +"I was no sooner discharged, in consequence of an act of parliament +for the relief of insolvent debtors, than I went to the house of my +creditor, whom I cudgelled without mercy; and, that I might leave +nothing undone of those things which I ought to have done, my next +stage was to Westminster Hall, where I waited until my patron came +forth from the house, and saluted him with a blow that laid him +senseless on the pavement. But my retreat was not so fortunate as +I could have wished. The chairman and lacqueys in waiting having +surrounded and disarmed me in a trice, I was committed to Newgate, +and loaded with chains; and a very sagacious gentleman, who was +afterwards hanged, having sat in judgment upon my case, pronounced +me guilty of a capital crime, and foretold my condemnation at the +Old Bailey. His prognostic, however, was disappointed; for nobody +appearing to prosecute me at the next session, I was discharged by +order of the court. It would be impossible for me to recount, in +the compass of one day's conversation, all the particular exploits +of which I bore considerable share. Suffice it to say, I have been, +at different times, prisoner in all the jails within the bills +of mortality. I have broken from every round-house on this side +Temple-bar. No bailiff, in the days of my youth and desperation, +durst execute a writ upon me without a dozen of followers; and the +justices themselves trembled when I was brought before them. + +"I was once maimed by a carman, with whom I quarrelled, because +he ridiculed my leek on St. David's day; my skull was fractured by +a butcher's cleaver on the like occasion. I have been run through +the body five times, and lost the tip of my left ear by a pistol +bullet. In a rencontre of this kind, having left my antagonist +for dead, I was wise enough to make my retreat into France; and a +few days after my arrival at Paris, entering into conversation with +some officers on the subject of politics, a dispute arose, in which +I lost my temper, and spoke so irreverently of the Grand Monarque, +that next morning I was sent to the Bastille, by virtue of a +lettre de cachet. There I remained for some months, deprived of +all intercourse with rational creatures; a circumstance for which +I was not sorry, as I had the more time to project schemes of +revenge against the tyrant who confined me, and the wretch who had +betrayed my private conversation. But tired, at length, with these +fruitless suggestions, I was fain to unbend the severity of my +thoughts by a correspondence with some industrious spiders, who +had hung my dungeon with their ingenious labours. + +"I considered their work with such attention that I soon became an +adept in the mystery of weaving, and furnished myself with as many +useful observations and reflections on that art, as will compose +a very curious treatise, which I intend to bequeath to the Royal +Society, for the benefit of our woollen manufacture; and this with +a view to perpetuate my own name, rather than befriend my country; +for, thank Heaven! I am weaned from all attachments of that kind, +and look upon myself as one very little obliged to any society +whatsoever. Although I presided with absolute power over this +long-legged community, and distributed punishments and rewards to +each, according to his deserts, I grew impatient of my situation; +and my natural disposition one day prevailing, like a fire which +had long been smothered, I wreaked the fury of my indignation upon +my innocent subjects, and in a twinkling destroyed the whole race. +While I was employed in this general massacre, the turnkey, who +brought me food, opened the door, and perceiving my transport, +shrugged up his shoulders, and leaving my allowance, went out, +pronouncing, Le pauvre diable! la tete lui tourne. My passion no +sooner subsided than I resolved to profit by this opinion of the +jailor, and from that day counterfeited lunacy with such success, +that in less than three months I was delivered from the Bastille, +and sent to the galleys, in which they thought my bodily vigour +might be of service, although the faculties of my mind were decayed. +Before I was chained to the oar, I received three hundred stripes +by way of welcome, that I might thereby be rendered more tractable, +notwithstanding I used all the arguments in my power to persuade them +I was only mad north-north-west, and, when the wind was southerly, +knew a hawk from a handsaw. + +"In our second cruise we had the good fortune to be overtaken by +a tempest, during which the slaves were unbound, that they might +contribute the more to the preservation of the galley, and have a +chance for their lives, in case of shipwreck. We were no sooner at +liberty, than, making ourselves masters of the vessel, we robbed +the officers, and ran her on shore among rocks on the coast of +Portugal; from whence I hastened to Lisbon, with a view of obtaining +my passage in some ship bound for England, where, by this time, I +hoped my affair was forgotten. + +"But, before this scheme could be accomplished, my evil genius led me +into company; and, being intoxicated, I began to broach doctrines +on the subject of religion, at which some of the party were +scandalized and incensed; and I was next day dragged out of bed +by the officers of the Inquisition, and conveyed to a cell in the +prison belonging to that tribunal. + +"At my first examination, my resentment was strong enough to support +me under the torture, which I endured without flinching; but my +resolution abated, and my zeal immediately cooled, when I understood +from a fellow-prisoner, who groaned on the other side of the +partition, that in a short time there would be an auto da fe; in +consequence of which I should, in all probability, be doomed to +the flames, if I would not renounce my heretical errors, and submit +to such penance as the church should think fit to prescribe. This +miserable wretch was convicted of Judaism, which he had privately +practised by connivance for many years, until he had amassed a +fortune sufficient to attract the regard of the church. To this he +fell a sacrifice, and accordingly prepared himself for the stake; +while I, not at all ambitious of the crown of martyrdom, resolved +to temporize; so that, when I was brought to the question the second +time, I made a solemn recantation. As I had no worldly fortune to +obstruct my salvation, I was received into the bosom of the church, +and, by way of penance, enjoined to walk barefoot to Rome in the +habit of a pilgrim. + +"During my peregrination through Spain, I was detained as a spy, +until I could procure credentials from the Inquisition at Lisbon; +and behaved with such resolution and reserve, that, after being +released, I was deemed a proper person to be employed in quality of +a secret intelligencer at a certain court. This office I undertook +without hesitation; and being furnished with money and bills of +credit, crossed the Pyrenees, with intention to revenge myself upon +the Spaniards for the severities I had undergone during my captivity. + +"Having therefore effectually disguised myself by a change of dress, +and a large patch on one eye, I hired an equipage, and appeared at +Bologna in quality of an itinerant physician; in which capacity I +succeeded tolerably well, till my servants decamped in the night +with my baggage, and left me in the condition of Adam. In short, +I have travelled over the greatest part of Europe, as a beggar, +pilgrim, priest, soldier, gamester, and quack; and felt the extremes +of indigence and opulence, with the inclemency of weather in all +its vicissitudes. I have learned that the characters of mankind +are everywhere the same; that common sense and honesty bear an +infinitely small proportion to folly and vice; and that life is at +best a paltry province. + +"After having suffered innumerable hardships, dangers, and disgraces, +I returned to London, where I lived some years in a garret, and +picked up a subsistence, such as it was, by vending purges in the +streets, from the back of a pied horse, in which situation I used +to harangue the mob in broken English, under pretence of being an +High German doctor. + +"At last an uncle died, by whom I inherited an estate of three +hundred pounds per annum, though, in his lifetime, he would not +have parted with a sixpence to save my soul and body from perdition. + +"I now appear in the world, not as a member of any community, +or what is called a social creature, but merely as a spectator, +who entertains himself with the grimaces of a jack-pudding, and +banquets his spleen in beholding his enemies at loggerheads. That +I may enjoy this disposition, abstracted from all interruption, +danger, and participation, I feign myself deaf; an expedient by +which I not only avoid all disputes and their consequences, but +also become master of a thousand little secrets, which are every +day whispered in my presence, without any suspicion of their being +overheard. You saw how I handled that shallow politician at my +Lady Plausible's the other day. The same method I practise upon +the crazed Tory, the bigot Whig, the sour, supercilious pedant, +the petulant critic, the blustering coward, the fawning fool, the +pert imp, sly sharper, and every other species of knaves and fools, +with which this kingdom abounds. + +"In consequence of my rank and character, I obtain free admission +to the ladies, among whom I have acquired the appellation of the +Scandalous Chronicle. As I am considered, while silent, in no other +light than that of a footstool or elbow-chair, they divest their +conversation of all restraint before me, and gratify my sense of +hearing with strange things, which, if I could prevail upon myself +to give the world that satisfaction, would compose a curious piece +of secret history, and exhibit a quite different idea of characters +from what is commonly entertained. + +"By this time, young gentleman, you may perceive that I have it +in my power to be a valuable correspondent, and that it will be to +your interest to deserve my confidence." + +Here the misanthrope left off speaking, desirous to know the +sentiments of our hero, who embraced the proffered alliance in a +transport of joy and surprise; and the treaty was no sooner concluded, +than Mr. Crabtree began to perform articles, by imparting to him a +thousand delicious secrets, from the possession of which he promised +himself innumerable scenes of mirth and enjoyment. By means of this +associate, whom he considered as the ring of Gyges, he foresaw, +that he should be enabled to penetrate, not only into the chambers, +but even to the inmost thoughts of the female sex. In order to +ward off suspicion, they agreed to revile each other in public, and +meet at a certain private rendezvous, to communicate their mutual +discoveries, and concert their future operations. + +But, soon after this agreement, our adventurer was summoned to the +garrison by an express from his friend Hatchway, representing that +the commodore lay at the point of death; and, in less than an hour +after the receipt of this melancholy piece of news, he set out +post for his uncle's habitation, having previously taken leave of +Crabtree, who promised to meet him in two months in London; and +settled a correspondence with Gauntlet, who proposed to remain at +Bath during the rest of the season. + + + + + +CHAPTER LXXIII. + + + + +Peregrine arrives at the Garrison, where he receives the last +Admonitions of Commodore Trunnion, who next Day resigns his Breath, +and is buried according to his own Directions--Some Gentlemen in +the Country make a fruitless Attempt to accommodate Matters betwixt +Mr. Gamaliel Pickle and his eldest Son. + + +About four o'clock in the morning our hero arrived at the garrison, +where he found his generous uncle in extremity, supported in bed +by Julia on one side, and Lieutenant Hatchway on the other, while +Mr. Jolter administered spiritual consolation to his soul; and +between whiles comforted Mrs. Trunnion, who, with her maid, sat by +the fire, weeping with great decorum; the physician having just taken +his last fee, and retired, after pronouncing the fatal prognostic, +in which he anxiously wished he might be mistaken. + +Though the commodore's speech was interrupted by a violent hiccup, +he still retained the use of his senses; and, when Peregrine approached, +stretched out his hand with manifest signs of satisfaction. The +young gentleman, whose heart overflowed with gratitude and affection, +could not behold such a spectacle unmoved. He endeavoured to +conceal his tenderness, which, in the wildness of his youth, and +the pride of his disposition, he considered as a derogation from +his manhood; but, in spite of all his endeavours, the tears gushed +from his eyes, while he kissed the old man's hand; and he was so +utterly disconcerted by his grief, that, when he attempted to speak, +his tongue denied its office; so that the commodore, perceiving +his disorder, made a last effort of strength, and consoled him in +these words:--"Swab the spray from your bowsprit, my good lad, and +coil up your spirits. You must not let the toplifts of your heart +give way, because you see me ready to go down at these years. Many +a better man has foundered before he has made half my way; thof I +trust, by the mercy of God, I shall be sure in port in a very few +glasses, and fast moored in a most blessed riding; for my good +friend Jolter hath overhauled the journal of my sins, and, by the +observation he hath taken of the state of my soul, I hope I shall +happily conclude my voyage, and be brought up in the latitude of +heaven. Here has been a doctor that wanted to stow me chock full of +physic; but, when a man's hour is come, what signifies his taking +his departure with a 'pothecary's shop in his hold? Those fellows +come alongside of dying men, like the messengers of the Admiralty +with sailing orders; but I told him as how I could slip my cable +without his direction or assistance, and so he hauled off in +dudgeon. This cursed hiccup makes such a rippling in the current +of my speech, that mayhap you don't understand what I say. Now, +while the sucker of my wind-pump will go, I would willingly mention +a few things, which I hope you will set down in the log-book of your +remembrance, when I am stiff, d'ye see. There's your aunt sitting +whimpering by the fire; I desire you will keep her tight, warm, +and easy in her old age, she's an honest heart in her own way, +and, thof she goes a little crank and humoursome, by being often +overstowed with Nantz and religion, she has been a faithful shipmate +to me, and I daresay she never turned in with another man since +we first embarked in the same bottom. Jack Hatchway, you know the +trim of her as well as e'er a man in England, and I believe she has +a kindness for you; whereby, if you two will grapple in the way of +matrimony, when I am gone, I do suppose that my godson, for love +of me, will allow you to live in the garrison all the days of your +life." + +Peregrine assured him, he would with pleasure comply with any request +he should make in behalf of two persons whom he esteemed so much. +The lieutenant, with a waggish sneer, which even the gravity of the +situation could not prevent, thanked them both for their good-will, +telling the commodore, he was obliged to him for his friendship, in +seeking to promote him to the command of a vessel which he himself +had worn out in the service; but that, notwithstanding, he should +be content to take charge of her, though he could not help being +shy of coming after such an able navigator. + +Trunnion, exhausted as he was, smiled at this sally, and, after some +pause, resumed his admonitions in this manner:--"I need not talk of +Pipes, because I know you'll do for him without any recommendation; +the fellow has sailed with me in many a hard gale, and I'll warrant +him as stout a seaman as ever set face to the weather. But I hope +you'll take care of the rest of my crew, and not disrate them after +I am dead, in favour of new followers. As for that young woman, Ned +Gauntlet's daughter, I'm informed as how she's an excellent wench, +and has a respect for you; whereby, if you run her on board in an +unlawful way, I leave my curse upon you, and trust you will never +prosper in the voyage of life. But I believe you are more of an +honest man, than to behave so much like a pirate. I beg, of all +love, you wool take care of your constitution, and beware of running +foul of harlots, who are no better than so many mermaids, that sit +upon rocks in the sea, and hang out a fair face for the destruction +of passengers; thof I must say, for my own part, I never met with +any of those sweet singers, and yet I have gone to sea for the +space of thirty years. But howsomever, steer your course clear of +all such brimstone b--s. Shun going to law, as you would shun the +devil; and look upon all attorneys as devouring sharks, or ravenous +fish of prey. As soon as the breath is out of my body, let minute +guns be fired, till I am safe under ground. I would also be buried +in the red jacket I had on when I boarded and took the Renummy. +Let my pistols, cutlass, and pocket-compass be laid in the coffin +along with me. Let me be carried to the grave by my own men, rigged +in the black caps and white shirts which my barge's crew were wont +to wear; and they must keep a good look out, that none of your +pilfering rascallions may come and heave me up again, for the lucre +of what they can get, until the carcase is belayed by a tombstone. +As for the motto, or what you call it, I leave that to you and +Mr. Jolter, who are scholars; but I do desire, that it may not be +engraved in the Greek or Latin lingos, and much less in the French, +which I abominate, but in plain English, that, when the angel +comes to pipe all hands, at the great day, he may know that I am +a British man, and speak to me in my mother tongue. And now I have +no more to say, but God in heaven have mercy upon my soul, and send +you all fair weather, wheresoever you are bound." + +So saying, he regarded every individual around him with a look of +complacency, and closing his eye, composed himself to rest, while +the whole audience, Pipes himself not excepted, were melted with +sorrow; and Mrs. Trunnion consented to quit the room, that she might +not be exposed to the unspeakable anguish of seeing him expire. + +His last moments, however, were not so near as they imagined. He +began to doze, and enjoyed small intervals of ease, till next day +in the afternoon; during which remissions, he was heard to pour +forth many pious ejaculations, expressing his hope, that, for +all the heavy cargo of his sins, he should be able to surmount +the puttock-shrouds of despair, and get aloft to the cross-trees +of God's good favour. At last his voice sunk so low as not to be +distinguished; and, having lain about an hour, almost without any +perceptible signs of life, he gave up the ghost with a groan which +announced his decease. + +Julia was no sooner certified of this melancholy event, than she +ran to her aunt's chamber, weeping aloud; and immediately a very +decent concert was performed by the good widow and her attendants. +Peregrine and Hatchway retired till the corpse should be laid +out; and Pipes having surveyed the body, with a face of rueful +attention,--"Well fare thy soul! old Hawser Trunnion," said he: +"man and boy I have known thee these five-and-thirty years, and +sure a truer heart never broke biscuit. Many a hard gale hast thou +weathered; but now thy spells are all over, and thy hull fairly +laid up. A better commander I'd never desire to serve; and who knows +but I may help to set up thy standing rigging in another world?" + +All the servants of the house were affected with the loss of their +old master; and the poor people in the neighbourhood assembled at +the gate, and, by repeated howlings, expressed their sorrow for +the death of their charitable benefactor. Peregrine, though he felt +everything which love and gratitude could inspire on this occasion, +was not so much overwhelmed with affliction as to be incapable of +taking the management of the family into his own hands. He gave +directions about the funeral with great discretion, after having +paid the compliments of condolence to his aunt, whom he consoled +with the assurance of his inviolable esteem and affection. He ordered +a suit of mourning to be made for every person in the garrison, +and invited all the neighbouring gentlemen to the burial, not even +excepting his father and brother Gam, who did not, however, honour +the ceremony with their presence; nor was his mother humane enough +to visit her sister-in-law in her distress. + +In the method of interment, the commodore's injunctions were obeyed +to a title; and at the same time our hero made a donation of fifty +pounds to the poor of the parish, as a benefaction which his uncle +had forgot to bequeath. Having performed these obsequies with the +most pious punctuality, he examined the will, to which there was +no addition since it had first been executed, adjusted the payment +of all the legacies, and, being sole executor, took an account of +the estate to which he had succeeded, which, after all deductions, +amounted to thirty thousand pounds. The possession of such a +fortune, of which he was absolute master, did not at all contribute +to the humiliation of his spirit, but inspired him with new ideas +of grandeur and magnificence, and elevated his hope to the highest +pinnacle of expectation. + +His domestic affairs being settled, he was visited by almost all +the gentlemen of the county, who came to pay their compliments of +congratulation on his accession to the estate; and some of them +offered their good offices towards a reconciliation betwixt his father +and him, induced by the general detestation which was entertained +for his brother Gam, who was by this time looked upon by his +neighbours as a prodigy of insolence and malice. Our young squire +thanked them for their kind proposal, which he accepted; and old +Gamaliel, at their entreaties, seemed very well disposed to any +accommodation: but as he would not venture to declare himself before +he had consulted his wife, his favourable disposition was rendered +altogether ineffectual, by the instigations of that implacable +woman; and our hero resigned all expectation of being reunited to +his father's house. His brother, as usual, took all opportunities +of injuring his character, by false aspersions, and stories +misrepresented, in order to prejudice his reputation; nor was his +sister Julia suffered to enjoy her good fortune in peace. Had he +undergone such persecution from an alien to his blood, the world +would have heard of his revenge; but, notwithstanding his indignation, +he was too much tinctured by the prejudices of consanguinity, to +lift his arm in judgment against the son of his own parents; and this +consideration abridged the term of his residence at the garrison, +where he had proposed to stay for some months. + + + + + +VOLUME II. + + + + + +CHAPTER LXXIV. + + + + +The young Gentleman, having settled his domestic Affairs, arrives +in London, and sets up a gay Equipage--He meets with Emilia, and +is introduced to her Uncle. + + +His aunt, at the earnest solicitations of Julia and her husband, +took up her quarters at the house of that affectionate kinswoman, +who made it her chief study to comfort and cherish the disconsolate +widow; and Jolter, in expectation of the living, which was not yet +vacant, remained in garrison, in quality of land-steward upon our +hero's country estate. As for the lieutenant, our young gentleman +communed with him in a serious manner, about the commodore's proposal +of taking Mrs. Trunnion to wife; and Jack, being quite tired of the +solitary situation of a bachelor, which nothing but the company of +his old commander could have enabled him to support so long, far +from discovering aversion from the match, observed with an arch +smile, that it was not the first time he had commanded a vessel in +the absence of Captain Trunnion; and therefore, if the widow was +willing, he would cheerfully stand by her helm, and, as he hoped +the duty would not be of long continuance, do his endeavour to +steer her safe into port, where the commodore might come on board, +and take charge of her again. + +In consequence of this declaration, it was determined that Mr. +Hatchway should make his addresses to Mrs. Trunnion as soon as +decency would permit her to receive them; and Mr. Clover and his +wife promised to exert their influence on his behalf. Meanwhile, +Jack was desired to live at the castle as usual, and assured, that +it should be put wholly in his possession, as soon as he should be +able to accomplish this matrimonial scheme. + +When Peregrine had settled all these points to his own satisfaction, +he took leave of all his friends, and, repairing to the great city, +purchased a new chariot and horses, put Pipes and another lacquey +into rich liveries, took elegant lodgings in Pall Mall, and made +a most remarkable appearance among the people of fashion. + +It was owing to this equipage, and the gaiety of his personal +deportment, that common fame, which is always a common liar, +represented him as a young gentleman who had just succeeded to an +estate of five thousand pounds per annum, by the death of an uncle; +that he was entitled to an equal fortune at the decease of his +own father, exclusive of two considerable jointures, which would +devolve upon him at the demise of his mother and aunt. This report, +false and ridiculous as it was, he could not find in his heart to +contradict. Not but that he was sorry to find himself so misrepresented; +but his vanity would not allow him to take any step that might +diminish his importance in the opinion of those who courted his +acquaintance, on the supposition that his circumstances were actually +as affluent as they were said to be. Nay, so much was he infatuated +by this weakness, that he resolved to encourage the deception, +by living up to the report; and accordingly engaged in the most +expensive parties of pleasure, believing that, before his present +finances should be exhausted, his fortune would be effectually +made, by the personal accomplishments he should have occasion to +display to the beau monde in the course of his extravagance. In a +word, vanity and pride were the ruling foibles of our adventurer, +who imagined himself sufficiently qualified to retrieve his fortune +in various shapes, long before he could have any idea of want or +difficulty. He thought he should have it in his power, at any time, +to make a prize of a rich heiress, or opulent widow; his ambition had +already aspired to the heart of a young handsome duchess dowager, +to whose acquaintance he had found means to be introduced; or, +should matrimony chance to be unsuitable to his inclinations, he +never doubted, that, by the interest he might acquire among the +nobility, he should be favoured with some lucrative post, that +would amply recompense him for the liberality of his disposition. +There are many young men who entertain the same expectations, with +half the reason he had to be so presumptuous. + +In the midst of these chimerical calculations, his passion for +Emilia did not subside; but, on the contrary, began to rage with +such an inflammation of desire, that her idea interfered with every +other reflection, and absolutely disabled him from prosecuting +the other lofty schemes which his imagination had projected. He +therefore laid down the honest resolution of visiting her in all the +splendour of his situation, in order to practise upon her virtue +with all his art and address, to the utmost extent of his affluence +and fortune. Nay, so effectually had his guilty passion absorbed +his principles of honour, conscience, humanity, and regard for the +commodore's last words, that he was base enough to rejoice at the +absence of his friend Godfrey, who, being then with his regiment +in Ireland, could not dive into his purpose, or take measures for +frustrating his vicious design. + +Fraught with these heroic sentiments, he determined to set out for +Sussex in his chariot and six, attended by his valet-de-chambre and +two footmen; and as he was now sensible that in his last essay he +had mistaken his cue, he determined to change his battery, and sap +the fortress, by the most submissive, soft, and insinuating behaviour. + +On the evening that preceded this proposed expedition, he went +into one of the boxes at the playhouse, as usual, to show himself +to the ladies; and reconnoitring the company through a glass (for +no other reason but because it was fashionable to be purblind), +perceived his mistress very plainly dressed, in one of the seats +above the stage, talking to another young woman of a very homely +appearance. Though his heart beat the alarm with the utmost +impatience at sight of his Emilia, he was for some minutes deterred +from obeying the impulse of his love, by the presence of some ladies +of fashion, who, he feared, would think the worse of him, should +they see him make his compliment in public to a person of her figure. +Nor would the violence of his inclination have so far prevailed +over his pride, as to lead him thither, had he not recollected, that +his quality friends would look upon her as some handsome Abigail, +with whom he had an affair of gallantry, and of consequence give +him credit for the intrigue. + +Encouraged by this suggestion, he complied with the dictates +of love, and flew to the place where his charmer sat. His air and +dress were so remarkable, that it was almost impossible he should +have escaped the eyes of a curious observer, especially as he had +chosen a time for coming in, when his entrance could not fail to +attract the notice of the spectators; I mean, when the whole house +was hushed in attention to the performance on the stage. Emilia, +therefore, perceived him at his first approach; she found herself +discovered by the direction of his glass, and, guessing his intention +by his abrupt retreat from the box, summoned all her fortitude to +her aid, and prepared for his reception. He advanced to her with +an air of eagerness and joy, tempered with modesty and respect, and +expressed his satisfaction at seeing her, with a seeming reverence +of regard. Though she was extremely well pleased at this unexpected +behaviour, she suppressed the emotions of her heart, and answered +his compliments with affected ease and unconcern, such as might +denote the good humour of a person who meets by accident with an +indifferent acquaintance. After having certified himself of her +own good health, he very kindly inquired about her mother and Miss +Sophy, gave her to understand that he had lately been favoured +with a letter from Godfrey; that he had actually intended to set +out next morning on a visit to Mrs. Gauntlet, which, now that he +was so happy as to meet with her, he would postpone, until he should +have the pleasure of attending her to the country. After having +thanked him for his polite intention, she told him, that her mother +was expected in town in a few days, and that she herself had come +to London some weeks ago, to give attendance upon her aunt, who +had been dangerously ill, but was now pretty well recovered. + +Although the conversation of course turned upon general topics, +during the entertainment he took all opportunities of being +particular with his eyes, through which he conveyed a thousand +tender protestations. She saw and inwardly rejoiced at the humility +of his looks; but, far from rewarding it with one approving glance, +she industriously avoided this ocular intercourse, and rather +coquetted with a young gentleman that ogled her from the opposite +box. Peregrine's penetration easily detected her sentiments, and he +was nettled at her dissimulation, which served to confirm him in his +unwarrantable designs upon her person. He persisted in his assiduities +with indefatigable perseverance; when the play was concluded, handed +her and her companion into a hackney-coach, and with difficulty was +permitted to escort them to the house of Emilia's uncle, to whom +our hero was introduced by the young lady, as an intimate friend +of her brother Godfrey. + +The old gentleman, who was no stranger to the nature of Peregrine's +connection with his sister's family, prevailed upon him to stay +supper, and seemed particularly well pleased with his conversation +and deportment, which, by the help of his natural sagacity, he +wonderfully adapted to the humour of his entertainer. After supper, +when the ladies were withdrawn, and the citizen called for his +pipe, our sly adventurer followed his example. Though he abhorred +the plant, he smoked with an air of infinite satisfaction, and +expatiated upon the virtues of tobacco, as if he had been deeply +concerned in the Virginia trade. In the progress of the discourse, +he consulted the merchant's disposition; and the national debt +coming upon the carpet, held forth upon the funds like a professed +broker. When the alderman complained of the restrictions and +discouragements of trade, his guest inveighed against exorbitant +duties, with the nature of which he seemed as well acquainted as +any commissioner of the customs; so that the uncle was astonished +at the extent of his knowledge, and expressed his surprise that +a gay young gentleman like him should have found either leisure +or inclination to consider subjects so foreign to the fashionable +amusements of youth. + +Pickle laid hold on this opportunity to tell him, that he was +descended from a race of merchants; and that, early in life, he had +made it his business to instruct himself in the different branches +of trade, which he not only studied as his family profession, but +also as the source of all our national riches and power. He then +launched out in praise of commerce, and the promoters thereof; +and, by way of contrast, employed all his ridicule in drawing such +ludicrous pictures of the manners and education of what is called +high life, that the trader's sides were shaken by laughter, +even to the danger of his life; and he looked upon our adventurer +as a miracle of sobriety and good sense. Having thus ingratiated +himself with the uncle, Peregrine took his leave, and next day, +in the forenoon, visited the niece in his chariot, after she had +been admonished by her kinsman to behave with circumspection, and +cautioned against neglecting or discouraging the addresses of such +a valuable admirer. + + + + + +CHAPTER LXXV. + + + + +He prosecutes his Design upon Emilia with great Art and Perseverance. + + +Our adventurer, having by his hypocrisy obtained free access to his +mistress, began the siege by professing the most sincere contrition +for his former levity, and imploring her forgiveness with such +earnest supplication, that, guarded as she was against his flattering +arts, she began to believe his protestations, which were even +accompanied with tears, and abated a good deal of that severity +and distance she had proposed to maintain during this interview. +She would not, however, favour him with the least acknowledgment +of a mutual passion, because, in the midst of his vows of eternal +constancy and truth, he did not mention one syllable of wedlock, +though he was now entirely master of his own conduct, and this +consideration created a doubt, which fortified her against all his +attacks. Yet, what her discretion would have concealed, was discovered +by her eyes, which, in spite of all her endeavours, breathed +forth complacency and love; for her inclination was flattered by +her own self-sufficiency, which imputed her admirer's silence in +that particular to the hurry and perturbation of his spirits, and +persuaded her that he could not possibly regard her with any other +than honourable intentions. + +The insidious lover exulted in the tenderness of her looks, +from which he presaged a complete victory; but, that he might not +overshoot himself by his own precipitation, he would not run the risk +of declaring himself, until her heart should be so far entangled +within his snares, as that neither the suggestions of honour, +prudence, nor pride, should be able to disengage it. Armed with +this resolution, he restrained the impatience of his temper within +the limits of the most delicate deportment. After having solicited +and obtained permission to attend her to the next opera, he took her +by the hand, and, pressing it to his lips, in the most respectful +manner, went away, leaving her in a most whimsical state of suspense, +chequered with an interesting vicissitude of hope and fear. On +the appointed day, he appeared again about five o'clock in the +afternoon, and found her native charms so much improved by the +advantages of dress, that he was transported with admiration and +delight; and, while he conducted her to the Haymarket, could scarce +bridle the impetuosity of his passion, so as to observe the forbearing +maxims he had adopted. When she entered the pit, he had abundance +of food for the gratification of his vanity; for, in a moment, +she eclipsed all the female part of the audience; each individual +allowing in her own heart that the stranger was by far the handsomest +woman there present, except herself. + +Here it was that our hero enjoyed a double triumph; he was vain +of this opportunity to enhance his reputation for gallantry among +the ladies of fashion who knew him, and proud of an occasion to +display his quality acquaintance to Emilia, that she might entertain +the greater idea of the conquest she had made, and pay the more +deference to his importance in the sequel of his addresses. That +he might profit as much as possible by this situation, he went up +and accosted every person in the pit, with whom he ever had least +communication, whispered and laughed with an affected air of +familiarity, and even bowed at a distance to some of the nobility, +on the slender foundation of having stood near them at court, or +presented them with a pinch of rappee at White's chocolate-house. + +This ridiculous ostentation, though now practised with a view of +promoting his design, was a weakness that, in some degree, infected +the whole of his behaviour; for nothing gave him so much joy in +conversation, as an opportunity of giving the company to understand +how well he was with persons of distinguished rank and character. +He would often, for example, observe, as it were occasionally, that +the Duke of G-- was one of the best-natured men in the world, and +illustrate this assertion by some instance of his affability, in +which he himself was concerned. Then, by an abrupt transition, he +would repeat some repartee of Lady T--, and mention a certain bon +mot of the Earl of C--, which was uttered in his hearing. + +Abundance of young men in this manner make free with the names, +though they have never had access to the persons of the nobility; +but this was not the case with Peregrine, who, in consideration of +his appearance and supposed fortune, together with the advantage of +his introduction, was, by this time, freely admitted to the tables +of the great. + +In his return with Emilia from the opera, though he still maintained +the most scrupulous decorum in his behaviour, he plied her with the +most passionate expressions of love, squeezed her hand with great +fervency, protested that his whole soul was engrossed by her idea, +and that he could not exist independent of her favour. Pleased as +she was with his warm and pathetic addresses, together with the +respectful manner of his making love, she yet had prudence and +resolution sufficient to contain her tenderness, which was ready +to run over; being fortified against his arts, by reflecting, that, +if his aim was honourable, it was now his business to declare it. +On this consideration, she refused to make any serious reply to +his earnest expostulations, but affected to receive them as the +undetermined effusions of gallantry and good breeding. + +This fictitious gaiety and good-humour, though it baffled his hope +of extorting from her an acknowledgment of which he might have +taken immediate advantage, nevertheless encouraged him to observe, +as the chariot passed along the Strand, that the night was far +advanced; that supper would certainly be over before they could +reach her uncle's house; and to propose that he should wait upon +her to some place, where they might be accommodated with a slight +refreshment. She was offended at the freedom of this proposal, +which, however, she treated as a joke, thanking him for his courteous +offer, and assuring him, that when she should be disposed for a +tavern treat, he alone would have the honour of bestowing it. + +Her kinsman being engaged with company abroad, and her aunt retired +to rest, he had the good fortune to enjoy a tete-a-tete with her +during a whole hour, which he employed with such consummate skill, +that her caution was almost overcome. He not only assailed her with +the artillery of sighs, vows, prayers, and tears, but even pawned +his honour in behalf of his love. He swore, with many imprecations, +that although her heart was surrendered to him at discretion, there +was a principle within him, which would never allow him to injure +such innocence and beauty; and the transports of his passion had, +upon this occasion so far overshot his purpose, that if she had +demanded an explanation while he was thus agitated, he would have +engaged himself to her wish by such ties as he could not break +with any regard to his reputation. But from such expostulation she +was deterred, partly by pride, and partly by the dread of finding +herself mistaken in such an interesting conjecture. She therefore +enjoyed the present flattering appearance of her fate, was prevailed +upon to accept the jewels which he purchased with part of his winning +at Bath, and, with the most enchanting condescension, submitted +to a warm embrace when he took his leave, after having obtained +permission to visit her as often as his inclination and convenience +would permit. + +In his return to his own lodgings, he was buoyed up with his success +to an extravagance of hope, already congratulated himself upon his +triumph over Emilia's virtue, and began to project future conquests +among the most dignified characters of the female sex. But his +attention was not at all dissipated by these vain reflections; he +resolved to concentrate the whole exertion of his soul upon the +execution of his present plan, desisted, in the meantime, from all +other schemes of pleasure, interest, and ambition, and took lodgings +in the city, for the more commodious accomplishment of his purpose. +While our lover's imagination was thus agreeably regaled, his +mistress did not enjoy her expectations without the intervention +of doubts and anxiety. His silence, touching the final aim of his +addresses, was a mystery on which she was afraid of exercising +her sagacity; and her uncle tormented her with inquiries into the +circumstances of Peregrine's professions and deportment. Rather +than give this relation the least cause for suspicion, which must +have cut off all intercourse betwixt her and her admirer, she said +everything which she thought would satisfy his care and concern for +her welfare; and, in consequence of such representation, she enjoyed, +without reserve, the company of our adventurer, who prosecuted his +plan with surprising eagerness and perseverance. + + + + + +CHAPTER LXXVI. + + + + +He prevails upon Emilia to accompany him to a Masquerade, makes a +treacherous Attempt upon her Affection, and meets with a deserved +Repulse. + + +Scarce a night elapsed in which he did not conduct her to some +public entertainment. When, by the dint of his insidious carriage, he +thought himself in full possession of her confidence and affection, +he lay in wait for an opportunity; and, hearing her observe +in conversation, that she had never been at a masquerade, begged +leave to attend her to the next ball; at the same time extending +his invitation to the young lady in whose company he had found her +at the play, she being present when this subject of discourse was +introduced. He had flattered himself, that this gentlewoman would +decline the proposal, as she was a person seemingly of a demure +disposition, who had been born and bred in the city, where such +diversions are looked upon as scenes of lewdness and debauchery. +For once, however, he reckoned without his host; curiosity is as +prevalent in the city as at the court end of the town. Emilia no +sooner signified her assent to his proposal, than her friend, with +an air of satisfaction, agreed to make one of the party; and he was +obliged to thank her for that complaisance, which laid him under +infinite mortification. He set his genius at work to invent some +scheme for preventing her unseasonable intrusion. Had an opportunity +offered, he would have acted as her physician, and administered a +medicine that would have laid her under the necessity of staying +at home. But his acquaintance with her being too slight to furnish +him with the means of executing this expedient, he devised another, +which was practised with all imaginable success. Understanding +that her grandmother had left her a sum of money independent of +her parents, he conveyed a letter to her mother, intimating, that +her daughter, on pretence of going to the masquerade, intended +to bestow herself in marriage to a certain person, and that in a +few days she would be informed of the circumstances of the whole +intrigue, provided she would keep this information secret, and +contrive some excuse for detaining the young lady at home, without +giving her cause to believe she was apprised of her intention. This +billet, subscribed "Your well-wisher, and unknown humble servant," +had the desired effect upon the careful matron, who, on the ball +day, feigned herself so extremely ill, that Miss could not with +any decency quit her mamma's apartment; and therefore sent her +apology to Emilia in the afternoon, immediately after the arrival +of Peregrine, who pretended to be very much afflicted with the +disappointment, while his heart throbbed with a transport of joy. + +About ten o'clock the lovers set out for the Haymarket, he being +dressed in the habit of Pantaloon, and she in that of Columbine; +and they had scarce entered the house when the music struck up, +the curtain was withdrawn, and the whole scene displayed at once, +to the admiration of Emilia, whose expectation was infinitely +surpassed by this exhibition. Our gallant having conducted her +through all the different apartments, and described the economy of +the place, led her into the circle, and, in their turn, they danced +several minuets; then going to the sideboard, he prevailed upon +her to eat some sweetmeats and drink a glass of champagne. After +a second review of the company, they engaged in country dances, at +which exercise they continued until our adventurer concluded that +his partner's blood was sufficiently warm for the prosecution of +his design. On this supposition, which was built upon her declaring +that she was thirsty and fatigued, he persuaded her to take a +little refreshment and repose; and, for that purpose, handed her +downstairs into the eating-room, where, having seated her on the +floor, he presented her with a glass of wine and water; and, as she +complained of being faint, enriched the draught with some drops +of a certain elixir, which he recommended as a most excellent +restorative, though it was no other than a stimulating tincture, +which he had treacherously provided for the occasion. Having swallowed +this potion, by which her spirits were manifestly exhilarated, she +ate a slice of ham, with the wing of a cold pullet, and concluded +the meal with a glass of burgundy, which she drank at the earnest +entreaty of her admirer. These extraordinary cordials co-operating +with the ferment of her blood, which was heated by violent motion, +could not fail to affect the constitution of a delicate young +creature, who was naturally sprightly and volatile. Her eyes began +to sparkle with unusual fire and vivacity, a thousand brilliant +sallies of wit escaped her, and every mask that accosted her +underwent some smarting repartee. + +Peregrine, overjoyed at the success of his administration, proposed +that they should resume their places at the country dances, with +a view to promote and assist the efficacy of his elixir; and, when +he thought her disposition was properly adapted for the theme, began +to ply her with all the elocution of love. In order to elevate his +own spirits to that pitch of resolution which his scheme required, +he drank two whole bottles of burgundy, which inflamed his passion +to such a degree, that he found himself capable of undertaking and +perpetrating any scheme for the gratification of his desire. + +Emilia, warmed by so many concurring incentives, in favour of the +man she loved, abated considerably of her wonted reserve, listened +to his protestations with undissembled pleasure, and, in the +confidence of her satisfaction, even owned him absolute master +of her affections. Ravished with this confession, he now deemed +himself on the brink of reaping the delicious fruits of his art +and assiduity; and the morning being already pretty far advanced, +assented with rapture to the first proposal she made of retiring +to her lodgings. The blinds of the chariot being pulled up, he +took advantage of the favourable situation of her thoughts; and, +on pretence of being whimsical, in consequence of the wine he had +swallowed, clasped her in his arms, and imprinted a thousand kisses +on her pouting lips, a freedom which she pardoned as the privilege +of intoxication. While he thus indulged himself with impunity, the +carriage halted, and Pipes opening the door, his master handed her +into the passage, before she perceived that it was not her uncle's +house at which they had alighted. + +Alarmed at this discovery, she, with some confusion, desired +to know his reason for conducting her to a strange place at these +hours. But he made no reply, until he had led her into an apartment, +when he gave her to understand, that, as her uncle's family must +be disturbed by her going thither so late in the night, and the +streets near Temple-bar were infested by a multitude of robbers and +cut-throats, he had ordered his coachman to halt at this house, which +was kept by a relation of his, a mighty good sort of a gentlewoman, +who would be proud of an opportunity to accommodate a person for +whom he was known to entertain such tenderness and esteem. + +Emilia had too much penetration to be imposed upon by this plausible +pretext. In spite of her partiality for Peregrine, which had never +been inflamed to such a pitch of complacency before, she comprehended +his whole plan in a twinkling. Though her blood boiled with +indignation, she thanked him with an affected air of serenity for +his kind concern, and expressed her obligation to his cousin; but, +at the same time, insisted upon going home, lest her absence should +terrify her uncle and aunt, who, she knew, would not retire to rest +till her return. + +He urged her, with a thousand remonstrances, to consult her own +ease and safety, promising to send Pipes into the city, for the +satisfaction of her relations. But, finding her obstinately deaf +to his entreaties, he assured her, that he would, in a few minutes, +comply with her request; and, in the meantime, begged she would +fortify herself against the cold with a cordial, which he poured +out in her presence, and which, now that her suspicion was aroused, +she refused to taste, notwithstanding all his importunities. He then +fell on his knees before her, and the tears gushing from his eyes, +swore that his passion was wound up to such a pitch of impatience, that +he could no longer live upon the unsubstantial food of expectation; +and that, if she would not vouchsafe to crown his happiness, he +would forthwith sacrifice himself to her disdain. Such an abrupt +address, accompanied with all the symptoms of frantic agitation, +could not fail to perplex and affright the gentle Emilia, who, +after some recollection, replied with a resolute tone, that she +could not see what reason he had to complain of her reserve, which +she was not at liberty to lay entirely aside, until he should have +avowed his intentions in form, and obtained the sanction of those +whom it was her duty to obey. "Divine creature!" cried he, seizing +her hand, and pressing it to his lips, "it is from you alone I hope +for that condescension, which would overwhelm me with the transports +of celestial bliss. The sentiments of parents are sordid, silly, +and confined. I mean not then to subject my passion to such low +restrictions as were calculated for the purposes of common life. +My love is too delicate and refined to wear those vulgar fetters, +which serve only to destroy the merit of voluntary affection, and +to upbraid a man incessantly with the articles of compulsion, under +which he lies. My dear angel! spare me the mortification of being +compelled to love you, and reign sole empress of my heart and +fortune. I will not affront you so much as to talk of settlements; +my all is at your disposal. In this pocket-book are notes to +the amount of two thousand pounds; do me the pleasure to accept +of them; to-morrow I will lay ten thousand more in your lap. In a +word, you shall be mistress of my whole estate, and I shall +think myself happy in living dependent on your bounty! " + +Heavens! what were the emotions of the virtuous, the sensible, the +delicate, the tender Emilia's heart, when she heard this insolent +declaration from the mouth of a man whom she had honoured with her +affection and esteem! It was not simply horror, grief, or indignation, +that she felt, in consequence of this unworthy treatment, but the +united pangs of all together, which produced a sort of hysteric +laughter, while she told him that she could not help admiring his +generosity. + +Deceived by this convulsion, and the ironical compliment that +attended it, the lover thought he had already made great progress +in his operations, and that it was now his business to storm the +fort by a vigorous assault, that he might spare her the confusion +of yielding without resistance. Possessed by this vain suggestion, +he started up, and, folding her in his arms, began to obey the +furious dictates of his unruly and ungenerous desire. With an air +of cool determination, she demanded a parley; and when, upon her +repeated request, he granted it, addressed herself to him in these +words, while her eyes gleamed with all the dignity of the most +awful resentment:-- + +"Sir, I scorn to upbraid you with a repetition of your former vows +and protestations, nor will I recapitulate the little arts you have +practised to ensnare my heart; because, though by dint of the most +perfidious dissimulation you have found means to deceive my opinion, +your utmost efforts have never been able to lull the vigilance of +my conduct, or to engage my affection beyond the power of discarding you +without a tear, whenever my honour should demand such a sacrifice. +Sir, you are unworthy of my concern or regret, and the sigh that +now struggles from my breast is the result of sorrow, for my own +want of discernment. As for your present attempt upon my chastity, +I despise your power, as I detest your intention. Though, under +the mask of the most delicate respect, you have decoyed me from +the immediate protection of my friends, and contrived other impious +stratagems to ruin my peace and reputation, I confide too much in my +own innocence, and the authority of the law, to admit one thought +of fear, much less to sink under the horror of this shocking +situation, into which I have been seduced. Sir, your behaviour +on this occasion is, in all respects, low and contemptible. For, +ruffian as you are, you durst not harbour the thought of executing +your execrable scheme, while you knew my brother was near enough +to prevent or revenge the insult; so that you must not only be a +treacherous villain, but also a most despicable coward." + +Having expressed herself in this manner, with a most majestic +severity of aspect, she opened the door, and walking down-stairs +with surprising resolution, committed herself to the care of a +watchman, who accommodated her with a hackney-chair, in which she +was safely conveyed to her uncle's house. + +Meanwhile, the lover was so confounded and overawed by these cutting +reproaches, and her animated behaviour, that all his resolution +forsook him, and he found himself not only incapable of obstructing +her retreat, but even of uttering one syllable to deprecate her +wrath, or extenuate the guilt of his own conduct. The nature of +his disappointment, and the keen remorse that seized him, when he +reflected upon the dishonourable footing on which his character +stood with Emilia, raised such perturbation in his mind, that his +silence was succeeded by a violent fit of distraction, during which +he raved like a bedlamite, and acted a thousand extravagancies, +which convinced the people of the house, a certain bagnio, that +he had actually lost his wits. Pipes, with great concern, adopted +the same opinion; and, being assisted by the waiters, hindered him, +by main force, from running out and pursuing the fair fugitive, +whom, in his delirium, he alternately cursed and commended with +horrid imprecations and lavish applause. His faithful valet, having +waited two whole hours, in hopes of seeing this gust of passion +overblown, and perceiving that the paroxysm seemed rather to increase, +very prudently sent for a physician of his master's acquaintance, +who, having considered the circumstances and symptoms of the +disorder, directed that he should be plentifully blooded, without +loss of time, and prescribed a draught to compose the tumult of +his spirits. These orders being punctually performed, he grew more +calm and tractable, recovered his reflection so far as to be ashamed +of the ecstasy he had undergone, and suffered himself quietly to +be undressed and put to bed, where the fatigue occasioned by his +exercise at the masquerade co-operated with the present dissipation +of his spirits to lull him into a profound sleep, which greatly +tended to the preservation of his intellects. Not that he found +himself in a state of perfect tranquility when he waked about +noon. The remembrance of what had passed overwhelmed him with +mortification. Emilia's invectives still sounded in his ears. And, +while he deeply resented her disdain, he could not help admiring +her spirit, and his heart did homage to her charms. + + + + + +CHAPTER LXXVII. + + + + +He endeavours to Reconcile himself to his Mistress, and Expostulates +with the Uncle, who forbids him the House. + + +In this state of division, he went home to his own lodgings in +a chair; and while he deliberated with himself whether he should +relinquish the pursuit, and endeavour to banish her idea from his +breast, or go immediately and humble himself before his exasperated +mistress, and offer his hand as an atonement for his crime, his +servant put in his hand a packet, which had been delivered by a ticket +porter at the door. He no sooner perceived that the superscription +was in Emilia's handwriting, than he guessed the nature of the +contents; and, opening the seal with disordered eagerness, found +the jewels he had given to her enclosed in a billet, couched in +these words:-- + + "That I may have no cause to reproach myself with having + retained the least memorial of a wretch whom I equally + despise and abhor, I take this opportunity of restoring + these ineffectual instruments of his infamous design upon + the honour of "Emilia." + +His chagrin was so much galled and inflamed at the bitterness +of this contemptuous message, that he gnawed his fingers till the +blood ran over his nails, and even wept with vexation. Sometimes +he vowed revenge against her haughty virtue, and reviled himself +for his precipitate declaration, before his scheme was brought to +maturity; then he would consider her behaviour with reverence and +regard, and bow before the irresistible power of her attractions. +In short, his breast was torn by conflicting passions: love, shame, +and remorse, contended with vanity, ambition, and revenge; and the +superiority was still doubtful when headstrong desire interposed, +and decided in favour of an attempt towards a reconciliation with +the offended fair. + +Impelled by this motive, he set out in the afternoon for the house +of her uncle, not without hopes of that tender enjoyment, which +never fails to attend an accommodation betwixt two lovers of taste +and sensibility. Though the consciousness of his trespass encumbered +him with an air of awkward confusion, he was too confident of his +own qualifications and address to despair of forgiveness; and, by +that time he arrived at the citizen's gate, he had conned a very +artful and pathetic harangue, which he proposed to utter in his +own behalf, laying the blame of his conduct on the impetuosity of +his passion, increased by the burgundy which he had too liberally +drunk; but he did not meet with an opportunity to avail himself of +this preparation. Emilia, suspecting that he would take some step +of this kind to retrieve her favour, had gone abroad on pretence +of visiting, after having signified to her kinsman her resolution +to avoid the company of Peregrine, on account of some ambiguities +which, she said, were last night remarkable in his demeanour at the +masquerade. She chose to insinuate her suspicion in these hints, +rather than give an explicit detail of the young man's dishonourable +contrivance, which might have kindled the resentment of the family +to some dangerous pitch of animosity and revenge. + +Our adventurer, finding himself baffled in his expectation of seeing +her, inquired for the old gentleman, with whom he thought he had +influence enough to make his apology good, in case he should find +him prepossessed by the young lady's information. But here too he +was disappointed, the uncle having gone to dine in the country, and +his wife was indisposed; so that he had no pretext for staying in +the house till the return of his charmer. Being, however, fruitful +of expedients, he dismissed his chariot, and took possession of a +room in a tavern, the windows of which fronted the merchant's gate; +and there he proposed to watch until he should see her approach. +This scheme he put in practice with indefatigable patience, though +it was not attended with the expected success. + +Emilia, whose caution was equally vigilant and commendable, foreseeing +that she might be exposed to the fertility of his invention, came +home by a private passage, and entered by a postern, which was +altogether unknown to her admirer; and her uncle did not arrive +until it was so late that he could not, with any decency, demand +a conference. + +Next morning, he did not fail to present himself at the door, and +his mistress being denied by her own express direction, insisted +upon seeing the master of the house, who received him with such +coldness of civility, as plainly gave him to understand that he was +acquainted with the displeasure of his niece. He, therefore, with +an air of candour, told the citizen, he could easily perceive by +his behaviour that he was the confidant of Miss Emily, of whom he +was come to ask pardon for the offence he had given; and did not +doubt, if he could be admitted to her presence, that he should be +able to convince her that he had not erred intentionally, or at +least propose such reparation as would effectually atone for his +fault. + +To this remonstrance the merchant, without any ceremony or circumlocution, +answered, that though he was ignorant of the nature of his offence, +he was very certain, that it must have been something very flagrant +that could irritate his niece to such a degree, against a person +for whom she had formerly a most particular regard. He owned, she +had declared her intention to renounce his acquaintance for ever, +and, doubtless, she had good reason for so doing; neither would +he undertake to promote an accommodation, unless he would give him +full power to treat on the score of matrimony, which he supposed +would be the only means of evincing his own sincerity, and obtaining +Emilia's forgiveness. Peregrine's pride was kindled by this blunt +declaration, which he could not help considering as the result of +a scheme concerted betwixt the young lady and her uncle, in order +to take advantage of his heat. He therefore replied, with manifest +signs of disgust, that he did not apprehend there was any occasion +for a mediator to reconcile the difference betwixt Emilia and him; +and that all he desired was an opportunity of pleading in his own +behalf. The citizen frankly told him, that, as his niece had expressed +an earnest desire of avoiding his company, he would not put the +least constraint upon her inclination; and, in the meantime, gave +him to know, that he was particularly engaged. Our hero, glowing +with indignation at this supercilious treatment, "I was in the +wrong," said he, "to look for good manners so far on this side +of Temple-bar; but you must give me leave to tell you, sir, that +unless I am favoured with an interview with Miss Gauntlet, I shall +conclude that you have actually laid a constraint upon her inclination, +for some sinister purposes of your own."--"Sir," replied the old +gentleman, "you are welcome to make what conclusions shall seem +good unto your own imagination; but pray be so good as to allow me +the privilege of being master in my own house." So saying, he very +complaisantly showed him to the door; and our lover being diffident +of his own temper, as well as afraid of being used with greater +indignity, in a place where his personal prowess would only serve +to heighten his disgrace, quitted the house in a transport of rage, +which he could not wholly suppress, telling the landlord, that if +his age did not protect him, he would have chastised him for his +insolent behaviour. + + + + + +CHAPTER LXXVIII. + + + + +He projects a violent Scheme, in consequence of which he is involved +in a most fatiguing Adventure, which greatly tends towards the +Augmentation of his Chagrin. + + +Thus debarred of personal communication with his mistress, he essayed +to retrieve her good graces by the most submissive and pathetic +letters, which he conveyed by divers artifices to her perusal; but, +reaping no manner of benefit from these endeavours, his passion +acquired a degree of impatience little inferior to downright +frenzy; and he determined to run every risk of life, fortune, and +reputation, rather than desist from his unjustifiable pursuit. +Indeed, his resentment was now as deeply concerned as his love, +and each of these passions equally turbulent and loud in demanding +gratification. He kept sentinels continually in pay, to give him +notice of her outgoings, in expectation of finding some opportunity +to carry her off; but her circumspection entirely frustrated this +design, for she suspected everything of that sort from a disposition +like his, and regulated her motions accordingly. + +Baffled by her prudence and penetration, he altered his plan. +On pretence of being called to his country house by some affair +of importance, he departed from London, and, taking lodgings at a +farmer's house that stood near the road through which she must have +necessarily passed in her return to her mother, concealed himself +from all intercourse, except with his valet-de-chambre and Pipes, +who had orders to scour the country, and reconnoitre every horse, +coach, or carriage, that should appear on that highway, with a view +of intercepting his Emilia in her passage. + +He had waited in this ambuscade a whole week, when his valet gave +him notice, that he and his fellow-scout had discovered a chaise-and-six, +driving at full speed towards them; upon which they had flapped +their hats over their eyes, so as they might not be known, in case +they should be seen, and concealed themselves behind a hedge, from +whence they could perceive in the carriage, as it passed, a young +man plainly dressed, with a lady in a mask, of the exact size, +shape, and air of Emilia; and that Pipes followed them at a distance, +while he rode back to communicate this piece of intelligence. + +Peregrine would scarce allow him time to conclude his information. +He ran down to the stable, where his horse was kept ready saddled +for the purpose, and, never doubting that the lady in question +was his mistress, attended by one of her uncle's clerks, mounted +immediately, and rode full gallop after the chaise, which, when +he had proceeded about two miles, he understood from Pipes, had +put up at a neighbouring inn. Though his inclination prompted him +to enter her apartment without further delay, he suffered himself +to be dissuaded from taking such a precipitate step, by his privy +counsellor, who observed, that it would be impracticable to execute +his purpose of conveying her against her will from a public inn, +that stood in the midst of a populous village, which would infallibly +rise in her defence. He advised him therefore to be in wait for +the chaise, in some remote and private part of the road, where +they might accomplish their aim without difficulty or danger. In +consequence of this admonition our adventurer ordered Pipes to +reconnoitre the inn, that she might not escape another way, while +he and the valet, in order to avoid being seen, took a circuit by +an unfrequented path, and placed themselves in ambush, on a spot +which they chose for the scene of their achievement. Here they +tarried a full hour, without seeing the carriage, or hearing from +their sentinel. So that the youth, unable to exert his patience +one moment longer, left the foreigner in his station, and rode back +to his faithful lacquey, who assured him, that the travellers had +not yet hove up their anchor, or proceeded on their voyage. + +Notwithstanding this information, Pickle began to entertain such +alarming suspicions, that he could not refrain from advancing to +the gate, and inquire for the company which had lately arrived in +a chaise-and-six. The innkeeper, who was not at all pleased with +the behaviour of those passengers, did not think proper to observe +the instructions he had received: on the contrary, he plainly told +him, that the chaise did not halt, but only entered at one door, +and went out at the other, with a view to deceive those who pursued +it, as he guessed from the words of the gentleman, who had earnestly +desired that his route might be concealed from any person who +should inquire about their motions. "As for my own peart, measter," +continued this charitable publican, "I believes as how they are no +better than they should be, else they wouldn't be in such a deadly +fear of being overtaken. Methinks, said I, when I saw them in such +a woundy pother to be gone, oddsheartlikins! this must be some +London 'prentice running away with his measter's daughter, as sure +as I'm a living soul. But, be he who he will, sartain it is, a has +nothing of the gentleman about en; for, thof a asked such a favour, +a never once put hand in pocket, or said, 'Dog, will you drink?' +Howsomever, that don't argufy in reverence of his being in a +hurry; and a man may be sometimes a little too judgmatical in his +conjectures." In all probability, this loquacious landlord would +have served the travellers effectually, had Peregrine heard him to +an end; but this impetuous youth, far from listening to the sequel +of his observations, interrupted him in the beginning of his career, +by asking eagerly which road they followed; and, having received +the innkeeper's directions, clapped spurs to his horse, commanding +Pipes to make the valet acquainted with the course, that they might +attend him with all imaginable despatch. + +By the publican's account of their conduct, his former opinion was +fully confirmed. He plied his steed to the height of his mettle; +and so much was his imagination engrossed by the prospect of having +Emilia in his power, that he did not perceive the road on which he +travelled was quite different from that which led to the habitation +of Mrs. Gauntlet. The valet-de-chambre was an utter stranger to +that part of the country; and, as for Mr. Pipes, such considerations +were altogether foreign to the economy of his reflection. + +Ten long miles had our hero rode, when his eyes were blessed with +the sight of the chaise ascending an hill, at the distance of a +good league; upon which he doubled his diligence in such a manner, +that he gained upon the carriage every minute, and at length +approached so near to it, that he could discern the lady and her +conductor, with their heads thrust out at the windows, looking +back, and speaking to the driver alternately, as if they earnestly +besought him to augment the speed of his cattle. + +Being thus, as it were, in sight of port, while he crossed the road, +his horse happened to plunge into a cart-rut with such violence, +that he was thrown several yards over his head; and, the beast's +shoulder being slipped by the fall, he found himself disabled +from plucking the fruit, which was almost within his reach; for he +had left his servants at a considerable distance behind him; and +although they had been at his back, and supplied him with another +horse, they were so indifferently mounted, that he could not +reasonably expect to overtake the flyers, who profited so much by +this disaster that the chaise vanished in a moment. + +It may be easily conceived how a young man of his disposition passed +his time, in this tantalizing situation. He ejaculated with great +fervency; but his prayers were not the effects of resignation. +He ran back on foot, with incredible speed, in order to meet his +valet, whom he unhorsed in a twinkling, and, taking his seat, began +to exercise his whip and spurs, after having ordered the Swiss to +follow him on the other gelding, and committed the lame hunter to +the care of Pipes. + +Matters being adjusted in this manner, our adventurer prosecuted +the race with all his might; and, having made some progress, +was informed by a countryman, that the chaise had struck off into +another road, and, according to his judgment, was by that time +about three miles ahead; though, in all probability, the horses +would not be able to hold out much longer, because they seemed +to be quite spent when they passed his door. Encouraged by this +intimation, Peregrine pushed on with great alacrity, though he +could not regain sight of the desired object, till the clouds of +night began to deepen, and even then he enjoyed nothing more than +a transient glimpse; for the carriage was no sooner seen, than +shrouded again from his view. These vexatious circumstances animated +his endeavours, while they irritated his chagrin. In short, he +continued his pursuit, till the night was far advanced, and himself so +uncertain about the object of his care, that he entered a solitary +inn, with a view of obtaining some intelligence, when, to his +infinite joy, he perceived the chaise standing by itself, and the +horses panting in the yard. + +In full confidence of his having arrived at last at the goal of +all his wishes, he alighted instantaneously, and, running up to the +coachman, with a pistol in his hand, commanded him, in an imperious +tone, to conduct him to the lady's chamber, on pain of death. The +driver, affrighted at this menacing address, protested, with great +humility, that he did not know whither his fare had retired; for +that he himself was paid and dismissed from the service, because +he would not undertake to drive them all night across the country +without stopping to refresh his horses. But he promised to go in +quest of the waiter, who would show him to their apartment. He was +accordingly detached on that errand, while our hero stood sentinel +at the gate, till the arrival of his valet-de-chambre, who, joining +him by accident, before the coachman returned, relieved him in his +watch; and then the young gentleman, exasperated at his messenger's +delay, rushed, with fury in his eyes, from room to room, denouncing +vengeance upon the whole family; but he did not meet with one living +soul, until he entered the garret, where he found the landlord +and his wife in bed. This chicken-hearted couple, by the light of +a rush candle that burned on the hearth, seeing a stranger burst +into the chamber, in such a terrible attitude, were seized with +consternation; and, exalting their voices, in a most lamentable +strain, begged, for the passion of Christ, that he would spare +their lives, and take all they had. + +Peregrine guessing, from this exclamation, and the circumstance +of their being abed, that they mistook him for a robber, and were +ignorant of that which he wanted to know, dispelled their terror, +by making them acquainted with the cause of his visit, and desired +the husband to get up with all possible despatch, in order to assist +and attend him in his search. + +Thus reinforced, he rummaged every corner of the inn, and at last, +finding the hostler in the stable, was by him informed, to his +unspeakable mortification, that the gentleman and lady who arrived +in the chaise, had immediately hired post-horses for a certain +village at the distance of fifteen miles, and departed without +halting for the least refreshment. Our adventurer, mad with his +disappointment, mounted his horse in an instant, and, with his +attendant, took the same road, with full determination to die, +rather than desist from the prosecution of his design. He had, +by this time, rode upwards of thirty miles, since three o'clock +in the afternoon; so that the horses were almost quite jaded, and +travelled this stage so slowly, that it was morning before they +reached the place of their destination, where, far from finding +the fugitives, he understood that no such persons as he described +had passed that way, and that, in all likelihood, they had taken +a quite contrary direction, while in order to mislead him in +his pursuit, they had amused the hostler with a false route. This +conjecture was strengthened by his perceiving, now for the first +time, that he had deviated a considerable way from the road, +through which they must have journeyed, in order to arrive at the +place of her mother's residence; and these suggestions utterly +deprived him of the small remains of recollection which he had hitherto +retained. His eyes rolled about, witnessing rage and distraction; +he foamed at the mouth, stamped upon the ground with great violence, +uttered incoherent imprecations against himself and all mankind, +and would have sallied forth again, he knew not whither, upon the +same horse, which he had already almost killed with fatigue, had +not his confidant found means to quiet the tumult of his thoughts, +and recall his reflection, by representing the condition of the +poor animals, and advising him to hire fresh horses, and ride post +across the country, to the village in the neighbourhood of Mrs. +Gauntlet's habitation, where they should infallibly intercept the +daughter, provided they could get the start of her upon the road. + +Peregrine not only relished, but forthwith acted in conformity with +this good counsel. His own horses were committed to the charge of +the landlord, with directions for Pipes, in case he should come in +quest of his master: and, a couple of stout geldings being prepared, +he and his valet took the road again, steering their course according +to the motions of the post-boy, who undertook to be their guide. +They had almost finished the first stage, when they descried a +post-chaise just halting at the inn where they proposed to change +horses; upon which our adventurer, glowing with a most interesting +presage, put his beast to the full speed, and approached near enough +to distinguish, as the travellers quitted the carriage, that he +had at last come up with the very individual persons whom he had +pursued so long. + +Flushed with this discovery, he galloped into the yard so suddenly, +that the lady and her conductor scarce had time to shut themselves +up in a chamber, to which they retreated with great precipitation; +so that the pursuer was now certain of having housed his prey. That +he might, however, leave nothing to fortune, he placed himself upon +the stair by which they had ascended to the apartment, and sent +up his compliments to the young lady, desiring the favour of being +admitted to her presence, otherwise he should be obliged to waive +all ceremony, and take that liberty which she would not give. The +servant, having conveyed his message through the keyhole, returned +with an answer, importing that she would adhere to the resolution +she had taken, and perish, rather than comply with his will. Our +adventurer, without staying to make any rejoinder to this reply, +ran upstairs, and, thundering at the door for entrance, was given +to understand by the nymph's attendant, that a blunderbuss was +ready primed for his reception, and that he would do well to spare +him the necessity of shedding blood in defence of a person who had +put herself under his protection. "All the laws of the land," said +he, "cannot now untie the knots by which we are bound together; +and therefore I will guard her as my own property; so that you +had better desist from your fruitless attempt, and thereby consult +your own safety; for, by the God that made me! I will discharge my +piece upon you, as soon as you set your nose within the door; and +your blood be upon your own head." + +These menaces, from a citizen's clerk, would have been sufficient +motives for Pickle to storm the breach, although they had not been +reinforced by that declaration, which informed him of Emilia's +having bestowed herself in marriage upon such a contemptible rival. +This sole consideration added wings to his impetuosity, and he +applied his foot to the door with such irresistible force, as burst +it open in an instant, entering at the same time with a pistol +ready cocked in his hand. His antagonist, instead of firing his +blunderbuss, when he saw him approach, started back with evident +signs of surprise and consternation, exclaiming, "Lord Jesus! Sir, +you are not the man! and, without doubt, are under some mistake with +regard to us." Before Peregrine had time to answer this salutation, +the lady, hearing it, advanced to him, and, pulling off a mask, +discovered a face which he had never seen before. The Gorgon's head, +according to the fables of antiquity, never had a more instantaneous +or petrifying effect, than that which this countenance produced +upon the astonished youth. His eyes were fixed upon this unknown +object, as if they had been attracted by the power of enchantment, +his feet seemed riveted to the ground, and, after having stood +motionless for the space of a few minutes, he dropped down in an +apoplexy of disappointment and despair. The Swiss, who had followed +him, seeing his master in this condition, lifted him up, and, +laying him upon a bed in the next room, let him blood immediately, +without hesitation, being always provided with a case of lancets, +against all accidents on the road. To this foresight our hero, in all +probability, was indebted for his life. By virtue of a very copious +evacuation, he recovered the use of his senses; but the complication +of fatigues and violent transports, which he had undergone, brewed +up a dangerous fever in his blood; and, a physician being called +from the next market-town, several days elapsed before he would +answer for his life. + + + + + +CHAPTER LXXIX. + + + + +Peregrine sends a Message to Mrs. Gauntlet, who rejects his +Proposal--He repairs to the Garrison. + + +At length, however, his constitution overcame his disease, though +not before it had in a great measure tamed the fury of his disposition, +and brought him to a serious consideration of his conduct. In this +humiliation of his spirits, he reflected with shame and remorse +upon his treachery to the fair, the innocent Emilia; he remembered +his former sentiments in her favour, as well as the injunctions +of his dying uncle; he recollected his intimacy with her brother, +against which he had so basely sinned; and, revolving all the +circumstances of her conduct, found it so commendable, spirited, and +noble, that he deemed her an object of sufficient dignity to merit +his honourable addresses, even though his duty had not been concerned +in this decision. But, obligated as he was to make reparation to a +worthy family, which he had so grossly injured, he thought he could +not manifest his reformation too soon; and, whenever he found himself +able to hold a pen, wrote a letter to Mrs. Gauntlet, wherein he +acknowledged, with many expressions of sorrow and contrition, that +he had acted a part altogether unbecoming a man of honour, and +should never enjoy the least tranquility of mind, until he should +have merited her forgiveness. He protested, that, although his +happiness entirely depended upon the determination of Emilia, he +would even renounce all hope of being blessed with her favour, if +she could point out any other method of making reparation to that +amiable young lady, but by laying his heart and fortune at her +feet, and submitting himself to her pleasure during the remaining +part of his life. He conjured her, therefore, in the most pathetic +manner, to pardon him, in consideration of his sincere repentance, +and to use her maternal influence with her daughter, so as that he +might be permitted to wait upon her with a wedding ring, as soon +as his health would allow him to undertake the journey. + +This explanation being despatched by Pipes, who had, by this time, +found his master, the young gentleman inquired about the couple +whom he had so unfortunately pursued, and understood from his +valet-de-chambre, who learned the story from their own mouths, that +the lady was the only daughter of a rich Jew, and her attendant no +other than his apprentice, who had converted her to Christianity, +and married her at the same time; that this secret having taken +air, the old Israelite had contrived a scheme to separate them for +ever; and they being apprised of his intention, had found means +to elope from his house, with a view of sheltering themselves in +France, until the affair could be made up; that, seeing three men +ride after them with such eagerness, they never doubted that the +pursuers were her father, and some friends, or domestics, and on +that supposition had fled with the utmost despatch and trepidation, +until they had found themselves happily undeceived, at that very +instant when they expected nothing but mischief and misfortune. +Lastly, the Swiss gave him to understand, that, after having +professed some concern for his deplorable situation, and enjoyed a +slight refreshment, they had taken their departure for Dover, and, +in all likelihood, were safely arrived at Paris. + +In four-and-twenty hours after Pipes was charged with his commission, +he brought back an answer from the mother of Emilia, couched in +these words:-- + + Sir,--I received the favour of yours, and am glad, for your + own sake, that you have attained a due sense and conviction + of your unkind and unchristian behaviour to poor Emy. I thank + God, none of my children were ever so insulted before. Give + me leave to tell you, sir, my daughter was no upstart, without + friends or education, but a young lady, as well bred, and + better born, than most private gentlewomen in the kingdom; + and therefore, though you had no esteem for her person, you + ought to have paid some regard to her family, which, no + disparagement to you, sir, is more honourable than your own. + As for your proposal, Miss Gauntlet will not hear of it, + being that she thinks her honour will not allow her to listen + to any terms of reconciliation; and she is not yet so + destitute as to embrace an offer to which she has the least + objection. In the meantime, she is so much indisposed, that + she cannot possibly see company; so I beg you will not take + the trouble of making a fruitless journey to this place. + Perhaps your future conduct may deserve her forgiveness, + and really, as I am concerned for your happiness, which you + assure me depends upon her condescension, I wish with all my + heart it may; and am, notwithstanding all that has happened, + your sincere well-wisher. "Cecilia Gauntlet." + +From this epistle, and the information of his messenger, our hero +learned, that his mistress had actually profited by his wild-goose +chase, so as to make a safe retreat to her mother's house. Though +sorry to hear of her indisposition, he was also piqued at her +implacability, as well as at some stately paragraphs of the letter, +in which, he thought, the good lady had consulted her own vanity, +rather than her good sense. These motives of resentment helped him +to bear his disappointment like a philosopher, especially as he had +now quieted his conscience, in proffering to redress the injury he +had done; and, moreover, found himself, with regard to his love, +in a calm state of hope and resignation. + +A seasonable fit of illness is an excellent medicine for the +turbulence of passion. Such a reformation had the fever produced +on the economy of his thoughts, that he moralized like an apostle, +and projected several prudential schemes for his future conduct. In +the meantime, as soon as his health was sufficiently re-established, +he took a trip to the garrison, in order to visit his friends; +and learned from Hatchway's own mouth, that he had broke the ice +of courtship to his aunt, and that his addresses were now fairly +afloat; though, when he first declared himself to the widow, after +she had been duly prepared for the occasion, by her niece and the +rest of her friends, she had received his proposal with a becoming +reserve, and piously wept at the remembrance of her husband, +observing, that she should never meet with his fellow. + +Peregrine promoted the lieutenant's suit with all his influence, +and all Mrs. Trunnion's objections to the match being surmounted, +it was determined, that the day of marriage should be put off for +three months, that her reputation might not suffer by a precipitate +engagement. His next care was to give orders for erecting a plain +marble monument to the memory of his uncle, on which the following +inscription, composed by the bridegroom, actually appeared in golden +letters: + + Here lies, + Foundered in a fathom and half, + The shell + Of + HAWSER TRUNNION, Esq. + Formerly commander of a squadron + In his Majesty's service, + Who broached to, at five P.M. Oct. 10, + In the year of his age threescore and nineteen. + + He kept his guns always loaded, + And his tackle ready mann'd, + And never showed his poop to the enemy, + Except when he took her in tow; + But, His shot being expended, His match burnt out, + And his upper works decayed, + He was sunk by Death's superior weight of metal. + + Nevertheless, + He will be weighed again at the Great Day, + His rigging refitted, And his timbers repaired; + And, with one broadside, + Make his adversary strike in his turn. + + + + + +CHAPTER LXXX. + + + + +He returns to London, and meets with Cadwallader, who entertains +him with many curious Particulars--Crabtree sounds the Duchess, +and undeceives Pickle, who, by an extraordinary Accident, becomes +acquainted with another Lady of Quality. + + +The young gentleman having performed these last offices in honour +of his deceased benefactor, and presented Mr. Jolter to the +long-expected living, which at this time happened to be vacant, +returned to London, and resumed his former gaiety: not that he was +able to shake Emilia from his thought, or even to remember her +without violent emotions; for, as he recovered his vigour, his +former impatience recurred, and therefore he resolved to plunge +himself headlong into some intrigue, that might engage his passions +and amuse his imagination. + +A man of his accomplishments could not fail to meet with a variety of +subjects on which his gallantry would have been properly exercised; +and this abundance distracted his choice, which at any time was +apt to be influenced by caprice and whim. I have already observed, +that he had lifted his view, through a matrimonial perspective, as +high as a lady of the first quality and distinction: and now, that +he was refused by Miss Gauntlet, and enjoyed a little respite from +the agonies of that flame which her charms had kindled in his heart, +he renewed his assiduities to her grace. Though he durst not yet +risk an explanation, he enjoyed the pleasure of seeing himself +so well received in quality of a particular acquaintance, that he +flattered himself with the belief of his having made some progress +in her heart; and was confirmed in this conceited notion by the +assurances of her woman, whom, by liberal largesses, he retained in +his interest, because she found means to persuade him that she was +in the confidence of her lady. But, notwithstanding this encouragement, +and the sanguine suggestions of his own vanity, he dreaded the +thoughts of exposing himself to her ridicule and resentment by a +premature declaration. and determined to postpone his addresses, +until he should be more certified of the probability of succeeding +in his attempt. + +While he remained in this hesitation and suspense, he was one +morning very agreeably surprised with the appearance of his friend +Crabtree, who, by the permission of Pipes, to whom he was well +known, entered his chamber before he was awake, and, by a violent +shake of the shoulder, disengaged him from the arms of sleep. The +first compliments having mutually passed, Cadwallader gave him to +understand, that he had arrived in town overnight in the stage-coach +from Bath, and entertained him with such a ludicrous account of his +fellow-travellers, that Peregrine, for the first time since their +parting, indulged himself in mirth, even to the hazard of suffocation. + +Crabtree, having rehearsed these adventures, in such a peculiarity +of manner as added infinite ridicule to every circumstance, and +repeated every scandalous report which had circulated at Bath, +after Peregrine's departure, was informed by the youth, that he +harboured a design upon the person of such a duchess, and in all +appearance had no reason to complain of his reception; but that +he would not venture to declare himself, until he should be more +ascertained of her sentiments; and therefore he begged leave to +depend upon the intelligence of his friend Cadwallader, who, he +knew, was admitted to her parties. + +The misanthrope, before he would promise his assistance, asked +if his prospect verged towards matrimony; and our adventurer, who +guessed the meaning of his question, replying in the negative, he +undertook the office of reconnoitring her inclination, protesting +at the same time, that he would never concern himself in any scheme +that did not tend to the disgrace and deception of all the sex. On +these conditions he espoused the interest of our hero; and a plan +was immediately concerted, in consequence of which they met by +accident at her grace's table. Pickle having staid all the forepart +of the evening, and sat out all the company, except the misanthrope +and a certain widow lady who was said to be in the secrets of my +lady duchess, went away on pretence of an indispensable engagement, +that Crabtree might have a proper opportunity of making him the +subject of conversation. + +Accordingly, he had scarce quitted the apartment, when this cynic, +attending him to the door with a look of morose disdain, "Were I +an absolute prince," said he, "and that fellow one of my subjects, +I would order him to be clothed in sackcloth, and he should drive +my asses to water, that his lofty spirit might be lowered to the +level of his deserts. The pride of a peacock is downright self-denial, +when compared with the vanity of that coxcomb, which was naturally +arrogant, but is now rendered altogether intolerable, by the +reputation he acquired at Bath, for kicking a bully, outwitting +a club of raw sharpers, and divers other pranks, in the execution +of which he was more lucky than wise. But nothing has contributed +so much to the increase of his insolence and self-conceit, as the +favour he found among the ladies; ay, the ladies, madam: I care +not who knows it: the ladies, who, to their honour be it spoken, +never fail to patronize foppery and folly, provided they solicit +their encouragement. And yet this dog was not on the footing of those +hermaphroditical animals, who may be reckoned among the number of +waiting-women, who air your shifts, comb your lap-dogs, examine your +noses with magnifying glasses, in order to squeeze out the worms, +clean your tooth-brushes, sweeten your handkerchiefs, and soften +waste paper for your occasions. This fellow Pickle was entertained +for more important purposes; his turn of duty never came till all +those lapwings were gone to roost; then he scaled windows, leaped +over garden walls, and was let in by Mrs. Betty in the dark. Nay, +the magistrates of Bath complimented him with the freedom of the +corporation, merely because, through his means, the waters had gained +extraordinary credit; for every female of a tolerable appearance, +that went thither on account of her sterility, got the better of +her complaint, during his residence at Bath. And now the fellow +thinks no woman can withstand his addresses. He had not been here +three minutes, when I could perceive, with half an eye, that he +had marked out your grace for a conquest,--I mean in an honourable +way; though the rascal has impudence enough to attempt anything." + +So saying, he fixed his eyes upon the duchess, who, while her +face glowed with indignation, turning to her confidant, expressed +herself in these words: "Upon my life! I believe there is actually +some truth in what this old ruffian says; I have myself observed +that young fellow eyeing me with a very particular stare."--"It +is not to be at all wondered at," said her friend, "that a youth +of his complexion should be sensible to the charms of your grace! +but I dare say he would not presume to entertain any but the most +honourable and respectful sentiments."--"Respectful sentiments!" +cried my lady, with a look of ineffable disdain; "if I thought the +fellow had assurance enough to think of me in any shape, I protest +I would forbid him my house. Upon my honour, such instances of +audacity should induce persons of quality to keep your small gentry +at a greater distance; for they are very apt to grow impudent, upon +the least countenance or encouragement." + +Cadwallader, satisfied with this declaration, changed the subject +of discourse, and next day communicated his discovery to his friend +Pickle, who upon this occasion felt the most stinging sensations +of mortified pride, and resolved to quit his prospect with a good +grace. Nor did the execution of this self-denying scheme cost him +one moment's uneasiness; for his heart had never been interested in +the pursuit, and his vanity triumphed in the thoughts of manifesting +his indifference. Accordingly, the very next time he visited her +grace, his behaviour was remarkably frank, sprightly and disengaged; +and the subject of love being artfully introduced by the widow, +who had been directed to sound his inclinations, he rallied the +passion with great ease and severity and made no scruple of declaring +himself heart-whole. Though the duchess had resented his supposed +affection, she was now offended at his insensibility, and even +signified her disgust, by observing, that perhaps his attention +to his own qualifications screened him from the impression of all +other objects. + +While he enjoyed this sarcasm, the meaning of which he could +plainly discern, the company was joined by a certain virtuoso, who +had gained free access to all the great families of the land, by +his noble talent of gossiping and buffoonery. He was now in the +seventy-fifth year of his age; his birth was so obscure, that he +scarce knew his father's name; his education suitable to the dignity +of his descent; his character publicly branded with homicide, +profligacy, and breach of trust; yet this man, by the happy +inheritance of impregnable effrontery, and a lucky prostitution +of all principle in rendering himself subservient to the appetites +of the great, had attained to an independency of fortune, as well +as to such a particular share of favour among the quality, that, +although he was well known to have pimped for three generations of +the nobility, there was not a lady of fashion in the kingdom who +scrupled to admit him to her toilette, or even to be squired by him +in any place of public entertainment. Not but that this sage was +occasionally useful to his fellow-creatures, by these connections +with people of fortune; for he often undertook to solicit charity +in behalf of distressed objects, with a view of embezzling one-half +of the benefactions. It was an errand of this kind that now brought +him to the house of her grace. + +After having sat a few minutes, he told the company that he would +favour them with a very proper opportunity to extend their benevolence, +for the relief of a poor gentlewoman, who was reduced to the most +abject misery, by the death of her husband, and just delivered of +a couple of fine boys: they, moreover, understood from his information, +that this object was daughter of a good family, who had renounced +her in consequence of her marrying an ensign without a fortune; and +even obstructed his promotion with all their influence and power; +a circumstance of barbarity which had made such an impression upon +his mind, as disordered his brain, and drove him to despair, in a +fit of which he had made away with himself, leaving his wife, then +big with child, to all the horrors of indigence and grief. + +Various were the criticisms on this pathetic picture, which the +old man drew with great expression. My lady duchess concluded that +she must be a creature void of all feeling and reflection, who +could survive such aggravated misery, therefore did not deserve to +be relieved, except in the character of a common beggar; and was +generous enough to offer a recommendation, by which she would be +admitted into an infirmary, to which her grace was a subscriber; +at the same time advising the solicitor to send the twins to the +Foundling Hospital, where they could be carefully nursed and brought +up, so as to become useful members to the commonwealth. Another +lady, with all due deference to the opinion of the duchess, was free +enough to blame the generosity of her grace, which would only serve +to encourage children in disobedience to their parents, and might +be the means not only of prolonging the distress of the wretched +creature, but also of ruining the constitution of some young heir, +perhaps the hope of a great family; for she did suppose that madam, +when her month should be up, and her brats disposed of, would spread +her attractions to the public, provided she could profit by her +person, and, in the usual way, make a regular progress from St. +James's to Drury Lane. She apprehended, for these reasons, that +their compassion would be most effectually shown, in leaving her to +perish in her present necessity; and that the old gentleman would +be unpardonable, should he persist in his endeavours to relieve +her. A third member of this tender-hearted society, after having +asked if the young woman was handsome, and being answered in the +negative, allowed that there was a great deal of reason in what had +been said by the honourable person who had spoke last; nevertheless, +she humbly conceived her sentence would admit of some mitigation. +"Let the bantlings," said she, "be sent to the hospital, according +to the advice of her grace, and a small collection be made for the +present support of the mother; and, when her health is recovered, +I will take her into my family, in quality of an upper servant, or +medium between me and my woman; for, upon my life! I can't endure +to chide or give directions to a creature, who is, in point of +birth and education, but one degree above the vulgar." + +This proposal met with universal approbation. The duchess, to +her immortal honour, began the contribution with a crown; so that +the rest of the company were obliged to restrict their liberality +to half the sum, that her grace might not be affronted. And the +proposer, demanding the poor woman's name and place of abode, the +old mediator could not help giving her ladyship a verbal direction, +though he was extremely mortified, on more accounts than one, to +find such an issue to his solicitation. + +Peregrine, who, "though humorous as winter, had a tear for pity, +and a hand open as day for melting charity," was shocked at the +nature and result of this ungenerous consultation. He contributed +his half-crown, however, and, retiring from the company, betook +himself to the lodgings of the forlorn lady in the straw, according +to the direction he had heard. Upon inquiry, he understood that +she was then visited by some charitable gentlewoman, who had sent +for a nurse, and waited the return of the messenger; and he sent +up his respects, desiring he might be permitted to see her, on +pretence of having been intimate with her late husband. + +Though the poor woman had never heard of his name, she did not +think proper to deny his request; and he was conducted to a paltry +chamber in the third story, where he found this unhappy widow +sitting upon a truckle-bed, and suckling one of her infants, with +the most piteous expression of anguish in her features, which were +naturally regular and sweet, while the other was fondled on the knee +of a person, whose attention was so much engrossed by her little +charge, that, for the present, she could mind nothing else; and +it was not till after the first compliments passed betwixt the +hapless mother and our adventurer, that he perceived the stranger's +countenance, which inspired him with the highest esteem and admiration. +He beheld all the graces of elegance and beauty, breathing sentiment +and beneficence, and softened into the most enchanting tenderness +of weeping sympathy. When he declared the cause of his visit, which +was no other than the desire of befriending the distressed lady, +to whom he presented a bank-note for twenty pounds, he was favoured +with such a look of complacency by this amiable phantom, who might +have been justly taken for an angel ministering to the necessities +of mortals, that his whole soul was transported with love and +veneration. Nor was this prepossession diminished by the information +of the widow, who, after having manifested her gratitude in a flood +of tears, told him, that the unknown object of his esteem was a +person of honour, who having heard by accident of her deplorable +situation, had immediately obeyed the dictates of her humanity, +and come in person to relieve her distress; that she had not only +generously supplied her with money for present sustenance, but +also undertaken to provide a nurse for her babes, and even promised +to favour her with protection, should she survive her present +melancholy situation. To these articles of intelligence she added, +that the name of her benefactress was the celebrated Lady --, +to whose character the youth was no stranger, though he had never +seen her person before. The killing edge of her charms was a little +blunted by the accidents of time and fortune; but no man of taste +and imagination, whose nerves were not quite chilled with the frost +of age, could, even at that time, look upon her with impunity. And +as Peregrine saw her attractions heightened by the tender office +in which she was engaged, he was smitten with her beauty, and +so ravished with her compassion, that he could not suppress his +emotions, but applauded her benevolence with all the warmth of +enthusiasm. + +Her ladyship received his compliments with great politeness +and affability. And the occasion on which they met being equally +interesting to both, an acquaintance commenced between them, and +they concerted measures for the benefit of the widow and her two +children, one of whom our hero bespoke for his own godson; for +Pickle was not so obscure in the beau monde, but that his fame had +reached the ears of this lady, who, therefore, did not discourage +his advances towards her friendship and esteem. All the particulars +relating to their charge being adjusted, he attended her ladyship +to her own house; and, by her conversation, had the pleasure of +finding her understanding suitable to her other accomplishments. +Nor had she any reason to think that our hero's qualifications had +been exaggerated by common report. + +One of their adopted children died before it was baptized; so that +their care concentred in the other, for whom they stood sponsors. +Understanding that the old agent was becoming troublesome in +his visits to the mother, to whom he now began to administer such +counsel as shocked the delicacy of her virtue, they removed her into +another lodging, where she would not be exposed to his machinations. +In less than a month, our hero learned from a nobleman of his +acquaintance, that the hoary pander had actually engaged to procure +for him this poor afflicted gentlewoman; and, being frustrated in +his intention, substituted in her room a nymph from the purlieus +of Covent Garden, that made his lordship smart severely for the +favours she bestowed. + +Meanwhile, Peregrine cultivated his new acquaintance with all his art +and assiduity, presuming, from the circumstances of her reputation +and fate, as well as on the strength of his own merit, that, in +time, he should be able to indulge that passion which had begun +to glow within his breast. As her ladyship had undergone a vast +variety of fortune and adventure, which he had heard indistinctly +related, with numberless errors and misrepresentations, he was no +sooner entitled, by the familiarity of communication, to ask such +a favour, than he earnestly entreated her to entertain him with the +particulars of her story; and, by dint of importunity, she was at +length prevailed upon, in a select party, to gratify his curiosity, +by the account given in the following chapter. + + + + + +CHAPTER LXXXI. + + + + +The Memoirs of a Lady of Quality. + + +"By the circumstances of the story which I am going to relate, +you will be convinced of my candour, while you are informed of my +indiscretion. You will be enabled, I hope, to perceive, that, howsoever +my head may have erred, my heart hath always been uncorrupted, and +that I have been unhappy, because I loved, and was a woman. + +"I believe I need not observe, that I was the only child of a man +of good fortune, who indulged me in my infancy with all the tenderness +of paternal affection; and, when I was six years old, sent me to a +private school, where I stayed till my age was doubled, and became +such a favourite, that I was, even in those early days, carried to +all the places of public diversion, the court itself not excepted, +an indulgence that flattered my love of pleasure, to which I was +naturally addicted, and encouraged those ideas of vanity and ambition +which spring up so early in the human mind. + +"I was lively and good-natured, my imagination apt to run riot, +my heart liberal and disinterested, though I was so obstinately +attached to my own opinions, that I could not well brook contradiction; +and, in the whole of my disposition, resembled that of Henry V., +as described by Shakespeare. + +"In my thirteenth year I went to Bath, where I was first introduced +into the world as a woman, having been entitled to that privilege +by my person, which was remarkably tall for my years; and there my +fancy was quite captivated by the variety of diversions in which I +was continually engaged. Not that the parties were altogether new +to me, but because I now found myself considered as a person of +consequence, and surrounded by a crowd of admirers, who courted +my acquaintance, and fed my vanity with praise and adulation. In +short, whether or not I deserved their encomiums, I leave the world +to judge; but my person was commended, and my talent in dancing met +with universal applause. No wonder, then, that everything appeared +joyous to a young creature, who was so void of experience and +dissimulation, that she believed everybody's heart as sincere as +her own, and every object such as it appeared to be. + +"Among the swains who sighed, or pretended to sigh for me, were two +that bore a pretty equal share of my favour (it was too superficial +to deserve the name of love). One of these was a forward youth of +sixteen, extremely handsome, lively, and impudent. He attended in +quality of page upon the Princess Amelia, who spent that season +at Bath. The other was a Scotch nobleman turned of thirty, who +was graced with a red ribbon, and danced particularly well, two +qualifications of great weight with a girl of my age, whose heart +was not deeply interested in the cause. Nevertheless, the page +prevailed over this formidable rival; though our amour went no +farther than a little flirting, and ceased entirely when I left +the place. + +"Next year, however, I revisited this agreeable scene, and passed +my time in the same circle of amusements; in which, indeed, each +season at Bath is exactly resembled by that which succeeds, allowing +for the difference of company, which is continually varying. There +I met with the same incense, and again had my favourite, who was +a North Briton, and captain of foot, near forty years of age, and +a little lame, an impediment which I did not discover, until it was +pointed out by some of my companions, who rallied me upon my choice. +He was always cheerful, and very amorous, had a good countenance, +and an excellent understanding, possessed a great deal of art, and +would have persuaded me to marry him, had I not been restrained by +the authority of my father, whose consent was not to be obtained +in favour of a man of his fortune. + +"At the same time, many proposals of marriage were made to my parents; +but as they came from people whom I did not like, I rejected them +all, being determined to refuse every man who did not make his +addresses to myself in person, because I had no notion of marrying +for anything but love. Among these formal proposers was a Scottish +earl, whose pretensions were broke off by some difference about +settlements; and the son of an English baron, with whom my father +was in treaty, when he carried me to town, on a visit to a young +lady. with whom I had been intimate from my infancy. She was just +delivered of her first son, for whom we stood sponsors; so that +this occasion detained us a whole month, during which I went to a +ball at court, on the Queen's birthday, and there, for the first +time, felt what love and beauty were. + +"The second son of Duke H--, who had just returned from his travels, +was dancing with the princess royal, when a young lady came and +desired me to go and see a stranger, whom all the world admired. +Upon which I followed her into the circle, and observed this object +of admiration. He was dressed in a coat of white cloth, faced with +blue satin, embroidered with silver, of the same piece with his +waistcoat; his fine hair hung down his back in ringlets below his +waist; his hat was laced with silver, and garnished with a white +feather; but his person beggared description. He was tall and +graceful, neither corpulent nor meagre, his limbs finely proportioned, +his countenance open and majestic, his eyes full of sweetness and +vivacity, his teeth regular, and his pouting lips of the complexion +of the damask rose. In short, he was formed for love, and inspired +it wherever he appeared; nor was he a niggard of his talents, but +liberally returned it, at least, what passed for such; for he had +a flow of gallantry, for which many ladies of this land can vouch +from their own experience. But he exclaimed against marriage, +because he had, as yet, met with no woman to whose charms he would +surrender his liberty, though a princess of France, and lady of +the same rank in --, were said to be, at that time, enamoured of +his person. + +"I went home, totally engrossed by his idea, flattering myself that +he had observed me with some attention; for I was young and new, +and had the good fortune to attract the notice and approbation of +the queen herself. + +"Next day, being at the opera, I was agreeably surprised with the +appearance of this amiable stranger, who no sooner saw me enter, than +he approached so near to the place where I sat, that I overheard what +he said to his companions; and was so happy as to find myself the +object of his discourse, which abounded with rapturous expressions +of love and admiration. I could not listen to these transports +without emotion; my colour changed, my heart throbbed with unusual +violence, and my eyes betrayed my inclination in sundry favourable +glances, which he seemed to interpret aright, though he could not +then avail himself of his success, so far as to communicate his +sentiments by speech, because we were strangers to each other. + +"I passed that night in the most anxious suspense, and several +days elapsed before I saw him again. At length, however, being at +court on a ball-night, and determined against dancing, I perceived +him among the crowd, and, to my unspeakable joy, saw him advance, +with my Lord P--, who introduced him to my acquaintance. He soon +found means to alter my resolution, and I condescended to be his +partner all the evening; during which he declared his passion in +the most tender and persuasive terms that real love could dictate, +or fruitful imagination invent. + +"I believed his protestations, because I wished them true, and +was an unexperienced girl of fifteen. I complied with his earnest +request of being permitted to visit me, and even invited him to +breakfast next morning; so that you may imagine (I speak to those +that feel) I did not, that night, enjoy much repose. Such was the +hurry and flutter of my spirits, that I rose at six to receive +him at ten. I dressed myself in a new pink satin gown, and my best +laced night-clothes, and was so animated by the occasion that, if +ever I deserved a compliment upon my looks, it was my due at this +meeting. The wished-for moment came that brought my lover to my +view. I was overwhelmed with joy, modesty, and fear of I knew not +what. We sat down to breakfast, but did not eat. He renewed his +addresses with irresistible eloquence, and pressed me to accept +of his hand without further hesitation. But to such a precipitate +step I objected, as a measure repugnant to my decency, as well as +to that duty which I owed to my father, whom I tenderly loved. + +"Though I withstood this premature proposal, I did not attempt to +disguise the situation of my thoughts; and thus commenced a tender +correspondence, which was maintained by letters while I remained +in the country, and carried on, when I was in town, by private +interviews twice or thrice a week at the house of my milliner, +where such endearments passed as refined and happy lovers know, and +others can only guess. Truth and innocence prevailed on my side, +while his heart was fraught with sincerity and love. Such frequent +intercourse created an intimacy which I began to think dangerous, +and therefore yielded to his repeated desire that we might be +united for ever. Nay, I resolved to avoid him, until the day should +be fixed, and very innocently, though not very wisely, told him my +reason for this determination, which was no other than a consciousness +of my incapacity to refuse him anything he should demand as a +testimony of my love. + +"The time was accordingly appointed, at the distance of a few days, +during which I intended to have implored my father's consent, though +I had but faint hopes of obtaining it. But he was by some means or +other apprised of our design, before I could prevail upon myself +to make him acquainted with our purpose. I had danced with my lover +at the ridotto on the preceding evening, and there perhaps our +eyes betrayed us. Certain it is, several of Lord W--'s relations, +who disapproved of the match, came up and rallied him on his passion; +Lord S--k, in particular, used this remarkable expression, "Nephew, +as much love as you please, but no matrimony." + +"Next day, the priest being prepared, and the bridegroom waiting +for me at the appointed place, in all the transports of impatient +expectation, I was, without any previous warning, carried into the +country by my father, who took no notice of the intelligence he +had received, but decoyed me into the coach on pretence of taking +the air; and, when we had proceeded as far as Turnham Green, gave +me to understand, that he would dine in that place. + +"There was no remedy. I was obliged to bear my disappointment, +though with an aching heart, and followed him up-stairs into an +apartment, where he told me he was minutely informed of my matrimonial +scheme. I did not attempt to disguise the truth, but assured him, +while the tears gushed from my eyes, that my want of courage alone +had hindered me from making him privy to my passion; though I owned, +I should have married Lord W--, even though he had disapproved of +my choice. I reminded him of the uneasy life I led at home, and +frankly acknowledged, that I loved my admirer too well to live +without him; though, if he would favour me with his consent, I +would defer my intention, and punctually observe any day he would +fix for our nuptials. Meanwhile I begged he would permit me to +send a message to Lord W--, who was waiting in expectation of my +coming, and might, without such notice, imagine I was playing the +jilt. He granted this last request; in consequence of which I sent +a letter to my lover, who, when he received it, had almost fainted +away, believing I should be locked up in the country, and snatched +for ever from his arms. Tortured with these apprehensions, he +changed clothes immediately, and, taking horse, resolved to follow +me whithersoever we should go. + +"After dinner, we proceeded as far as Brentford, where we +lay, intending to be at my father's country house next night; and +my admirer putting up at the same inn, practised every expedient +his invention could suggest to procure an interview; but all his +endeavours were unsuccessful, because I, who little dreamed of his +being so near, had gone to bed upon our first arrival, overwhelmed +with affliction and tears. In the morning I threw myself at +my father's feet, and conjured him, by all the ties of paternal +affection, to indulge me with an opportunity of seeing my admirer +once more, before I should be conveyed from his wishes. The melancholy +condition in which I preferred this supplication, melted the tender +heart of my parent, who yielded to my supplications, and carried +me back to town for that purpose. + +"Lord W--, who had watched our motions, and arrived at his own +lodgings before we arrived at my father's house, obeyed my summons +on the instant, and appeared before me like an angel. Our faculties +were for some minutes suspended by a conflict of grief and joy. At +length I recovered the use of speech, and gave him to understand, +that I was come to town in order to take my leave of him, by the +permission of my father, whom I had promised to attend into the +country next day, before he would consent to my return; the chief +cause and pretence of which was my earnest desire to convince him, +that I was not to blame for the disappointment he had suffered, +and that I should see him again in a month, when the nuptial knot +should be tied in spite of all opposition. + +"My lover, who was better acquainted with the world, had wellnigh +run distracted with this information. He swore he would not leave +me, until I should promise to meet and marry him next day; or, +if I refused to grant that request, he would immediately leave +the kingdom, to which he would never more return; and, before his +departure, sacrifice Lord H. B--, son to the Duke of S. A--, who +was the only person upon earth who could have betrayed us to my +father, because he alone was trusted with the secret of our intended +marriage, and had actually undertaken to give me away; an office +which he afterwards declined. Lord W-- also affirmed, that my +father decoyed me into the country with a view of cooping me up, +and sequestering me entirely from his view and correspondence. + +"In vain I pleaded my father's well-known tenderness, and used +all the arguments I could recollect to divert him from his revenge +upon Lord H--. He was deaf to all my representations, and nothing, +I found, would prevail upon him to suppress his resentment, but +a positive promise to comply with his former desire. I told him I +would hazard everything to make him happy; but could not, with any +regard to my duty, take such a step without the knowledge of my +parent; or, if I were so inclined, it would be impracticable to +elude his vigilance and suspicion. However, he employed such pathetic +remonstrances, and retained such a powerful advocate within my own +breast, that, before we parted, I assured him my whole power should +be exerted for his satisfaction; and he signified his resolution +of sitting up all night, in expectation of seeing me at his lodgings. + +"He had no sooner retired, than I went into the next room, and +desired my father to fix a day for the marriage; in which case I +would cheerfully wait upon him into the country; whereas, should +he deny my request, on pretence of staying for the consent of my +mother's relations, which was very uncertain, I would seize the +first opportunity of marrying Lord W--, cost what it would. He +consented to the match, but would not appoint a day for the ceremony, +which he proposed to defer until all parties should be agreed; and +such a favourable crisis, I feared, would never happen. + +"I therefore resolved within myself to gratify my lover's expectation, +by eloping, if possible, that very night; though the execution of +this plan was extremely difficult, because my father was upon the +alarm, and my own maid, who was my bedfellow, altogether in his +interest. Notwithstanding these considerations, I found means to +engage one of the housemaids in my behalf, who bespoke a hackney-coach, +to be kept in waiting all night; and to bed I went with my Abigail, +whom, as I had not closed an eye, I waked about five in the morning, +and sent to pack up some things for our intended journey. + +"While she was thus employed, I got up, and huddled on my clothes, +standing upon my pillow, lest my father, who lay in the chamber +below, should hear me afoot, and suspect my design. Having dressed +myself with great despatch and disorder, I flounced downstairs, +stalking as heavily as I could tread, that he might mistake me for +one of the servants; and my confederate opening the door, I sallied +out into the street, though I knew not which way to turn; and, to +my unspeakable mortification, neither coach nor chair appeared. + +"Having travelled on foot a good way, in hope of finding a +convenience, and being not only disappointed in that particular, +but also bewildered in my peregrination, I began to be exceedingly +alarmed with the apprehension of being met by some person who might +know me; because in that case, my design would undoubtedly have +been discovered, from every circumstance of my appearance at that +time of day; for I had put on the very clothes which I had pulled +off overnight, so that my dress was altogether odd and peculiar. +My shoes were very fine, and over a large hoop I wore a pink satin +quilted petticoat trimmed with silver, which was partly covered by +a white dimity night-gown, a full quarter of a yard too short; my +handkerchief and apron were hurried on without pinning; my nightcap +could not contain my hair, which hung about my ears in great +disorder; and my countenance denoted a mixture of hope and fear, +joy and shame. + +"In this dilemma, I made my addresses to that honourable member +of society, a shoe-black, whom I earnestly entreated to provide me +with a coach or chair, promising to reward him liberally for his +trouble, but he, having the misfortune to be lame, was unable to +keep up with my pace; so that by his advice and direction, I went +into the first public-house I found open, where I stayed some +time, in the utmost consternation, among a crew of wretches whom I +thought proper to bribe for their civility, not without the terror +of being stripped. At length, however, my messenger returned with +a chair, of which I took immediate possession; and fearing that, +by this time, my family would be alarmed, and send directly to Lord +W--'s lodgings, I ordered myself to be carried thither backwards, +that so I might pass undiscovered. + +"This stratagem succeeded according to my wish; I ran upstairs, +in a state of trepidation, to my faithful lover, who waited for me +with the most impatient and fearful suspense. At sight of me his +eyes lightened with transport: he caught me in his arms, as the +richest present Heaven could bestow; gave me to understand that +my father had already sent to his lodgings in quest of me; then +applauding my love and resolution in the most rapturous terms, he +ordered a hackney-coach to be called, and, that we might run no +risk of separation, attended me to church, where we were lawfully +joined in the sight of Heaven. + +"His fears were then all over, but mine recurred with double +aggravation: I dreaded the sight of my father, and shared all the +sorrow he suffered on account of my undutiful behaviour; for I +loved him with such piety of affection, that I would have endured +every other species of distress, rather than given him the least +uneasiness; but love, where he reigns in full empire, is altogether +irresistible, surmounts every difficulty, and swallows up all other +considerations. This was the case with me; and now the irrevocable +step was taken, my first care was to avoid his sight. With this +view, I begged that Lord W-- would think of some remote place +in the country, to which we might retire for the present, and he +forthwith conducted me to a house on Blackheath, where we were very +civilly received by a laughter-loving dame, who seemed to mistake +me for one of her own sisterhood. I no sooner perceived her opinion, +than I desired Lord W-- to undeceive her; upon which she was made +acquainted with the nature of my situation, and showed us into +a private room, where I called for pen and paper, and wrote an +apology to my father, for having acted contrary to his will in so +important a concern. + +"This task being performed, the bridegroom gave me to understand, +that there was a necessity for our being bedded immediately, in +order to render the marriage binding, lest my father should discover +and part us before consummation. I pleaded hard for a respite till +the evening, objecting to the indecency of going to bed before noon; +but he found means to invalidate all my arguments, and to convince +me that it was now my duty to obey. Rather than hazard the imputation +of being obstinate and refractory on the first day of my probation, +I suffered myself to be led into a chamber, which was darkened by +my express stipulation, that my shame and confusion might be the +better concealed, and yielded to the privilege of a dear husband, +who loved me to adoration. + +"About five o'clock in the afternoon we were called to dinner, +which we had ordered to be ready at four; but such a paltry care +had been forgot amidst the transports of our mutual bliss. We got +up, however, and when we came downstairs, I was ashamed to see the +light of day, or meet the eyes of my beloved lord. I ate little, +said less, was happy, though overwhelmed with confusion, underwent +a thousand agitations, some of which were painful, but by far the +greater part belonged to rapture and delight; we were imparadised +in the gratification of our mutual wishes, and felt all that love +can bestow, and sensibility enjoy. + +"In the twilight we returned to Lord W--'s lodgings in town, where +I received a letter from my father, importing that he would never +see me again. But there was one circumstance in his manner of writing, +from which I conceived a happy presage of his future indulgence. +He had begun with his usual appellation of 'Dear Fanny,' which, +though it was expunged to make way for the word 'Madam,' encouraged +me to hope that his paternal fondness was not yet extinguished. + +"At supper we were visited by Lord W--'s younger sister, who laughed +at us for our inconsiderate match, though she owned she envied +our happiness, and offered me the use of her clothes until I could +retrieve my own. She was a woman of a great deal of humour, plain +but genteel, civil, friendly, and perfectly well bred. She favoured +us with her company till the night was pretty far advanced, and +did not take her leave till we retired to our apartment. + +"As our lodgings were not spacious or magnificent, we resolved +to see little company; but this resolution was frustrated by the +numerous acquaintance of Lord W--, who let in half the town: so +that I ran the gauntlet for a whole week among a set of wits, who +always delight in teasing a young creature of any note, when she +happens to make such a stolen match. Among those that visited us +upon this occasion was my lord's younger brother, who was at that +time in keeping with a rich heiress of masculine memory, and took +that opportunity of making a parade with his equipage, which was +indeed very magnificent, but altogether disregarded by us, whose +happiness consisted in the opulence of mutual love. + +"This ceremony of receiving visits being performed, we went to wait +on his mother, the duchess of H--, who, hearing I was an heiress, +readily forgave her son for marrying without her knowledge and +consent, and favoured us with a very cordial reception; insomuch, +that for several months, we dined almost constantly at her table; +and I must own, I always found her unaltered in her civility and +affection, contrary to her general character, which was haughty +and capricious. She was undoubtedly a woman of great spirit and +understanding, but subject to an infirmity which very much impairs +and disguises every other qualification. + +"In about three weeks after our marriage, I was so happy as to +obtain the forgiveness of my father, to whose house we repaired, in +order to pay our respects and submission. At sight of me he wept; +nor did I behold his tears unmoved. My heart was overcharged with +tenderness and sorrow, for having offended such an indulgent parent; +so that I mingled my tears with his, while my dear husband, whose +soul was of the softest and gentlest mould, melted with sympathy +at the affecting scene. Being thus reconciled to my father, we +attended him into the country, where we were received by my mother, +who was a sensible good woman, though not susceptible to love, and +therefore less apt to excuse a weakness to which she was an utter +stranger. This was likewise the case with an uncle, from whom I +had great expectations. He was a plain good-natured man, and treated +us with great courtesy, though his notions, in point of love, were +not exactly conformable to ours. Nevertheless, I was, and seemed to +be so happy in my choice, that my family not only became satisfied +with the match, but exceedingly fond of Lord W--. + +"After a short stay with them in the country, we returned to +London, in order to be introduced at court, and then set out for +the north, on a visit to my brother-in-law the duke of H--, who had, +by a letter to Lord W--, invited us to his habitation. My father +accordingly equipped us with horses and money; for our own finances +were extremely slender, consisting only of a small pension, allowed +by his grace, upon whom the brothers were entirely dependent, the +father having died suddenly, before suitable provision could be +made for his younger children. + +"When I took leave of my relations, bidding adieu to my paternal +home, and found myself launching into a world of care and trouble, +though the voyage on which I embarked was altogether voluntary, and +my companion the person on whom I doted to distraction,--I could +not help feeling some melancholy sensations, which, however, in +a little time, gave way to a train of more agreeable ideas. I was +visited in town by almost all the women of fashion, many of whom, +I perceived, envied me the possession of a man who had made strange +havoc among their hearts, and some of them knew the value of his +favour. One in particular endeavoured to cultivate my friendship +with singular marks of regard; but I thought proper to discourage +her advances, by keeping within the bounds of bare civility; and, +indeed, to none of them was I lavish of my complaisance; for I +dedicated my whole time to the object of my affection, who engrossed +my wishes to such a degree, that, although I was never jealous, +because I had no reason to be so, I envied the happiness of every +woman whom he chanced at any time to hand into a coach. + +"The duchess of --, who was newly married to the earl of P--, a +particular friend of Lord W--'s, carried me to court, and presented +me to the queen, who expressed her approbation of my person in very +particular terms, and, observing the satisfaction that appeared in +my countenance, with marks of admiration, desired her ladies to +take notice, how little happiness depended upon wealth, since there +was more joy in my face than in all her court besides. + +"Such a declaration could not fail to overwhelm me with blushes, +which her Majesty seemed to behold with pleasure; for she frequently +repeated the remark, and showed me to all the foreigners of +distinction, with many gracious expressions of favour. She wished +Lord W-- happiness instead of joy, and was pleased to promise, +that she would provide for her pretty beggars. And poor enough we +certainly were in every article but love. Nevertheless, we felt no +necessities, but passed the summer in a variety of pleasures and +parties; the greatest part of which were planned by Lord W--'s +sister and another lady, who was at that time mistress to the prime +minister. The first was a wit, but homely in person; the other a +woman of great beauty and masculine understanding; and a particular +friendship subsisted between them, though they were both lovers of +power and admiration. + +"This lady, who sat at the helm, was extremely elegant, as well +as expensive in her diversions, in many of which we bore a share, +particularly in her parties upon the water, which were contrived in +all the magnificence of taste. In the course of these amusements, a +trifling circumstance occurred, which I shall relate as an instance +of that jealous sensibility which characterised Lord W--'s disposition. +A large company of ladies and gentlemen having agreed to dine at +Vauxhall, and sup at Marble-hall, where we proposed to conclude +the evening with a dance, one barge being insufficient to contain +the whole company, we were divided by lots; in consequence of +which, my husband and I were parted. This separation was equally +mortifying to us both, who, though married, were still lovers; and +my chagrin increased when I perceived that I was doomed to sit by +Sir W. Y--, a man of professed gallantry; for, although Lord W-- +had, before his marriage, made his addresses to every woman he saw, +I knew very well he did not desire that any person should make love +to his wife. + +"That I might not, therefore, give umbrage, by talking to this +gallant, I conversed with a Scotch nobleman, who, according to common +report, had formerly sighed among my admirers. By these means, in +seeking to avoid one error, I unwittingly plunged myself into a +greater, and disobliged Lord W-- so much, that he could not conceal +his displeasure; nay, so deeply was he offended at my conduct, +that, in the evening, when the ball began, he would scarce deign +to take me by the hand in the course of dancing, and darted such +unkind looks, as pierced me to the very soul. What augmented my +concern, was my ignorance of the trespass I had committed. I was +tortured with a thousand uneasy reflections; I began to fear that +I had mistaken his temper, and given my heart to a man who was +tired of possession; though I resolved to bear without complaining +the misfortune I had entailed upon myself. + +"I seized the first opportunity of speaking to him, and thereby +discovered the cause of his chagrin; but, as there was no time for +expostulation, the misunderstanding continued on his side, with such +evident marks of uneasiness, that every individual of the company +made up to me, and inquired about the cause of his disorder; so +that I was fain to amuse their concern, by saying, that he had been +ill the day before, and dancing did not agree with his constitution. +So much was he incensed by this unhappy circumstance of my conduct, +which was void of all intention to offend him, that he determined +to be revenged on me for my indiscretion, and at supper, chancing +to sit between two very handsome ladies, one of whom is lately +dead, and the other, at present, my neighbour in the country, he +affected an air of gaiety, and openly coquetted with them both. + +"This was not the only punishment he inflicted on his innocent +wife. In the course of our entertainment, we engaged in some +simple diversion, in consequence of which the gentlemen were ordered +to salute the ladies; when Lord W--, in performing this command, +unkindly neglected me in my turn; I had occasion for all my discretion +and pride, to conceal from the company the agonies I felt at this +mark of indifference and disrespect. However, I obtained the victory +over myself, and pretended to laugh at his husband-like behaviour, +while the tears stood in my eyes and my heart swelled even to +bursting. + +"We broke up about five, after having spent the most tedious evening +I had ever known; and this offended lover went to bed in a state +of sullen silence and disgust. Whatever desire I had to come to an +explanation, I thought myself so much aggrieved by his unreasonable +prejudice, that I could not prevail upon myself to demand a +conference, till after his first nap, when my pride giving way to +my tenderness, I clasped him in my arms, though he pretended to +discourage these advances of my love. I asked how he could be so +unjust as to take umbrage at my civility to a man whom he knew I +had refused for his sake; I chid him for his barbarous endeavours +to awake my jealousy, and used such irresistible arguments in my +own vindication, that he was convinced of my innocence, scaled my +acquittal with a kind embrace, and we mutually enjoyed the soft +transports of a fond reconciliation. + +"Never was passion more eager, delicate, or unreserved, than that +which glowed within our breasts. Far from being cloyed with the +possession of each other, our raptures seemed to increase with the +term of our union. When we were separated, though but for a few +hours, by the necessary avocations of life, we were unhappy during +that brief separation, and met again like lovers, who knew no joy +but in one another's presence. How many delicious evenings did +we spend together, in our little apartment, after we had ordered +the candles to be taken away, that we might enjoy the agreeable +reflection of the moon in a fine summer's evening! Such a mild and +solemn scene naturally disposes the mind to peace and benevolence; +but when improved with conversation of the man one loves, it fills +the imagination with ideas of ineffable delight! For my own part, +I can safely say, my heart was so wholly engrossed by my husband, +that I never took pleasure in any diversion where he was not +personally concerned; nor was I ever guilty of one thought repugnant +to my duty and my love. + +"In the autumn, we set out for the north, and were met on the road +by the duke and twenty gentlemen, who conducted us to H--n, where +we lived in all imaginable splendour. His grace, at that time, +maintained above a hundred servants, with a band of music, which +always performed at dinner, kept open table, and was visited by a +great deal of company. The economy of his house was superintended +by his eldest sister, a beautiful young lady of an amiable temper, +with whom I soon contracted an intimate friendship. She and the duke +used to rally me upon my fondness for Lord W--, who was a sort of +humourist, and apt to be in a pet, in which case he would leave +the company and go to bed by seven o'clock in the evening. On these +occasions, I always disappeared, giving up every consideration +to that of pleasing my husband, notwithstanding the ridicule +of his relations, who taxed me with having spoiled him with too +much indulgence. But how could I express too much tenderness and +condescension for a man, who doted upon me to such excess, that, +when business obliged him to leave me, he always snatched the first +opportunity to return, and often rode through darkness, storms, +and tempests to my arms? + +"Having stayed about seven months in this place, I found myself +in a fair way of being a mother, and that I might be near my own +relations in such an interesting situation, I and my dear companion +departed from H--n, not without great reluctance; for I was fond +of the Scots in general, who treated me with great hospitality and +respect; and to this day, they paid me the compliment of saying, +I was one of the best wives in that country which is so justly +celebrated for good women. + +"Lord W-- having attended me to my father's house, was obliged +to return to Scotland, to support his interest in being elected +member of Parliament; so that he took his leave of me, with a full +resolution of seeing me again before the time of my lying-in; and +all the comfort I enjoyed in his absence, was the perusal of his +letters, which I punctually received, together with those of his +sister, who, from time to time, favoured me with assurances of his +constancy and devotion. Indeed, these testimonials were necessary +to one of my disposition; for I was none of those who could be +contented with half a heart. I could not even spare one complacent +look to any other woman, but expected the undivided homage of his +love. Had I been disappointed in this expectation, I should, though +a wife, have rebelled or died. + +"Meanwhile my parents treated me with great tenderness, intending that +Lord W-- should be settled in a house of his own, and accommodated +with my fortune, and his expectations from the queen were very +sanguine, when I was taken ill, and delivered of a dead child, an +event which affected me extremely. When I understood the extent of +my misfortune, my heart throbbed with such violence, that my breast +could scarce contain it; and my anxiety, being aggravated by the +absence of my lord, produced a dangerous fever, of which he was no +sooner apprised by letter, than he came post from Scotland; but, +before his arrival, I was supposed to be in a fair way. + +"During this journey, he was tortured with all that terrible suspense +which prevails in the minds of those who are in danger of losing +that which is most dear to them; and, when he entered the house, +was so much overwhelmed with apprehension, that he durst not inquire +about the state of my health. As for my part, I never closed an eye +from the time on which I expected his return; and, when I heard his +voice, I threw open my curtains, and sat up in the bed to receive +him, though at the hazard of my life. He ran towards me with all +the eagerness of passion, and clasped me in his arms; he kneeled +by the bedside, and kissed my hand a thousand times, and wept +with transports of tenderness and joy. In short, this meeting was +so pathetic as to overcome my enfeebled constitution, and we were +parted by those who were wiser than ourselves, and saw that nothing +was so proper for us as a little repose. + +"But how shall I relate the deplorable transition from envied +happiness to excess of misery which I now sustained! My month was +hardly up, when my dear husband was taken ill; perhaps the fatigue +of body, as well as mind, which he had undergone on my account, +occasioned a fatal ferment in his blood, and his health fell +a sacrifice to his love. Physicians were called from London, but +alas! they brought no hopes of his recovery. By their advice, +he was removed to town, for the convenience of being punctually +attended. Every moment was too precious to be thrown away; he +was therefore immediately put into the coach, though the day was +far spent; and I, though exceedingly weak, accompanied him in the +journey, which was performed by the light of flambeaus, and rendered +unspeakingly shocking by the dismal apprehension of losing him +every moment. + +"At length, however, we arrived at our lodgings in Pall Mall, where +I lay by him on the floor, and attended the issue of his distemper +in all the agonies of horror and despair. In a little time his +malady settled upon his brain, and, in his delirium, he uttered +such dreadful exclamations, as were sufficient to pierce the most +savage heart. What effect then must they have had on mine, which +was fraught with every sentiment of the most melting affection! +It was not a common grief that took possession of my soul; I felt +all the aggravation of the most acute distress. I sometimes ran +down the street in a fit of distraction: I sent for the doctors +every minute: I wearied Heaven with my prayers; even now my heart +aches at the remembrance of what I suffered, and I cannot, without +trembling, proceed with the woeful story. + +"After having lain insensible some days, he recovered the use +of speech, and called upon my name, which he had a thousand times +repeated while he was bereft of reason. All hopes of his life were +now relinquished, and I was led to his bedside to receive his last +adieus, being directed to summon all my fortitude, and suppress my +sorrow, that he might not be disturbed by my agitation. I collected +all my resolution to support me in this affecting scene. I saw my +dear lord in extremity. The beauties of his youth were all decayed; +yet his eyes, though languid, retained unspeakable sweetness and +expression. He felt his end approaching, put forth his hand, and, +with a look full of complacency and benevolence, uttered such +a tender tale--good Heaven! how had I deserved such accumulated +affliction, the bare remembrance of which now melts me into tears? +Human nature could not undergo my situation without suffering an +ecstasy of grief. I clasped him in my arms, and kissed him a thousand +times, with the most violent emotions of woe; but I was torn from +his embrace, and in a little time he was ravished for ever from my +view. + +"On that fatal morning, which put a period to his life, I saw the +duchess of L-- approach my bed, and, from her appearance, concluded +that he was no more; yet I begged she would not confirm the unhappy +presage by announcing his death; and she accordingly preserved the +most emphatic silence. I got up, and trod softly over his head, as +if I had been afraid of interrupting his repose. Alas! he was no +longer sensible of such disturbance. I was seized with a stupefaction +of sorrow; I threw up the window and, looking around, thought the +sun shone with the most dismal aspect; everything was solitary, +cheerless, and replete with horror. + +"In this condition I was, by the direction of my friend, conveyed +to her house, where my faculties were so overpowered by the load +of anguish which oppressed me, that I know not what passed during +the first days of my unhappy widowhood; this only I know, the kind +duchess treated me with all imaginable care and compassion, and +carried me to her country house, where I stayed some months; during +which, she endeavoured to comfort me with all the amusements she +could invent, and laid me under such obligations as shall never be +erased from my remembrance. Yet, notwithstanding all her care and +concern, I was, by my excess of grief, plunged into a languishing +distemper, for which my physicians advised me to drink the Bath +waters. + +"In compliance with this prescription, I went thither towards the end +of summer, and found some benefit by adhering to their directions. +Though I seldom went abroad, except when I visited my sister-in-law, +who was there with the princess; and, upon these occasions, I never +failed to attract the notice of the company, who were struck with +the appearance of such a young creature in weeds. Nor was I free +from the persecution of professed admirers; but, being dead to all +joy, I was deaf to the voice of adulation. + +"About Christmas I repaired to my father's house, where my sorrows +were revived by every object that recalled the idea of my dear +lamented lord. But these melancholy reflections I was obliged +to bear, because I had no other home or habitation, being left an +unprovided widow, altogether dependent on the affection of my own +family. During this winter, divers overtures were made to my father +by people who demanded me in marriage; but my heart was not yet +sufficiently weaned from my former passion to admit the thoughts +of another master. Among those that presented their proposals was +a certain young nobleman, who, upon the first news of Lord W--'s +death, came post from Paris, in order to declare his passion. He +made his first appearance in a hired chariot-and-six, accompanied +by a big fat fellow, whom (as I afterwards learned) he had engaged +to sound his praises, with a promise of a thousand pounds, in lieu +of which he paid him forty. Whether it was with a view of screening +himself from the cold, or of making a comfortable medium in case of +being overturned, and falling under his weighty companion, I know +not; but, certain it is, the carriage was stuffed with hay, in such +a manner, that, when he arrived, the servants were at some pains in +rummaging and removing it, before they could come at their master, +or help him to alight. When he was lifted out of the chariot, +he exhibited a very ludicrous figure to the view. He was a thin, +meagre, shivering creature, of a low stature, with little black +eyes, a long nose, sallow complexion, and pitted with the smallpox; +dressed in a coat of light brown frieze, lined with pink-coloured +shag, a monstrous solitaire and bag, and, if I remember right, +a pair of huge jack-boots. In a word, his whole appearance was so +little calculated for inspiring love, that I had, on the strength +of seeing him once before at Oxford, set him down as the last man +on earth whom I would choose to wed; and I will venture to affirm, +that he was in every particular the reverse of my late husband. + +"As my father was not at home, he stayed but one evening, and left +his errand with my mother, to whom he was as disagreeable as to +myself; so that his proposal was absolutely rejected, and I heard +no more of him during the space of three whole months, at the +expiration of which I went to town, where this mortifying figure +presented itself again, and renewed his suit, offering such +advantageous terms of settlement, that my father began to relish +the match, and warmly recommended it to my consideration. + +"Lord W--'s relations advised me to embrace the opportunity of making +myself independent. All my acquaintance plied me with arguments +to the same purpose. I was uneasy at home, and indifferent to +all mankind. I weighed the motives with the objections, and with +reluctance yielded to the importunity of my friends. In consequence +of this determination, the little gentleman was permitted to visit +me; and the manner of his address did not alter the opinion I had +conceived of his character and understanding. I was even shocked +at the prospect of marrying a man whom I could not love; and, in +order to disburden my own conscience, took an opportunity of telling +him, one evening, as we sat opposite to each other, that it was +not in my power to command my affection, and therefore he could +not expect the possession of my heart, Lord W--'s indulgence having +spoiled me for a wife; nevertheless, I would endeavour to contract +a friendship for him, which would entirely depend upon his own +behaviour. + +"To this declaration he replied, to my great surprise, that he did +not desire me to love him; my friendship was sufficient; and next +day repeated this strange instance of moderation in a letter, which +I communicated to my sister, who laughed heartily at the contents, +and persuaded me, that since I could love no man, he was the +properest person to be my husband. + +"Accordingly, the wedding clothes and equipage being prepared, the +day--the fatal day--was fixed; on the morning of which I went to +the house of my brother-in-law, duke H--, who loved me tenderly, +and took my leave of the family, a family which I shall always +remember with love, honour, and esteem. His grace received me in +the most affectionate manner, saying at parting, "Lady W--, if he +does not use you well, I will take you back again." + +"The bridegroom and I met at Ox-- Chapel, where the ceremony +was performed by the bishop of W--, in presence of his lordship's +mother, my father, and another lady. The nuptial knot being tied, +we set out for my father's house in the country, and proceeded +full twenty miles on our journey before my lord opened his mouth, +my thoughts having been all that time employed on something quite +foreign to my present situation; for I was then but a giddy girl +of eighteen. At length my father broke silence, and clapping his +lordship on the shoulder, told him he was but a dull bridegroom; upon +which my lord gave him to understand that he was out of spirits. +This dejection continued all the day, notwithstanding the refreshment +of a plentiful dinner which he ate upon the road; and in the evening +we arrived at the place of our destination, where we were kindly +received by my mother, though she had no liking to the match; and, +after supper, we retired to our apartment. + +"It was here that I had occasion to perceive the most disagreeable +contrast between my present helpmate and my former lord. Instead +of flying to my arms with all the eagerness of love and rapture, +this manly representative sat moping in a corner, like a criminal +on execution day, and owned he was ashamed to bed with a woman +whose hand he had scarce ever touched. + +"I could not help being affected with this pusillanimous behaviour. +I remembered Lord W--, while I surveyed the object before me, and +made such a comparison as filled me with horror and disgust: nay, +to such a degree did my aversion to this phantom prevail, that I +began to sweat with anguish at the thought of being subjected to +his pleasure; and when, after a long hesitation, he ventured to +approach me, I trembled as if I had been exposed to the embraces +of a rattlesnake. Nor did the efforts of his love diminish this +antipathy. His attempts were like the pawings of an imp, sent from +hell to seize and torment some guilty wretch, such as are exhibited +in some dramatic performance, which I have never seen acted without +remembering my wedding-night. By such shadowy, unsubstantial, +vexatious behaviour was I tantalized, and robbed of my repose; and +early next morning I got up, with a most sovereign contempt for my +bedfellow, who indulged himself in bed till eleven. + +"Having passed a few days in this place, I went home with him to +his house at Twickenham, and soon after we were presented at court, +when the queen was pleased to say to my lord's mother, she did not +doubt that we should be a happy couple, for I had been a good wife +to my former husband. + +"Whatever deficiencies I had to complain of in my new spouse, he +was not wanting in point of liberality. I was presented with a very +fine chariot, studded with silver nails, and such a profusion of +jewels as furnished a joke to some of my acquaintance, who observed, +that I was formerly queen of hearts, but now metamorphosed into +the queen of diamonds. I now also had an opportunity, which I did +not let slip, of paying Lord W--'s debts from my privy purse; and on +that score received the thanks of his elder brother, who, though +he had undertaken to discharge them, delayed the execution of +his purpose longer than I thought they should remain unpaid. This +uncommon splendour attracted the eyes and envy of my competitors, +who were the more implacable in their resentments, because, +notwithstanding my marriage, I was as much as ever followed by the +men of gallantry and pleasure, among whom it is a constant maxim, +that a woman never withholds her affections from her husband, +without an intention to bestow them somewhere else. I never appeared +without a train of admirers, and my house in the country was always +crowded with gay young men of quality. + +"Among those who cultivated my good graces with the greatest skill +and assiduity, were the Earl C-- and Mr. S---, brother to Lord +F--. The former of whom, in the course of his addresses, treated +me with an entertainment of surprising magnificence, disposed into +a dinner, supper, and ball, to which I, at his desire, invited +eleven ladies, whom he paired with the like number of his own sex; +so that the whole company amounted to twenty-four. We were regaled +with a most elegant dinner, in an apartment which was altogether +superb, and served by gentlemen only, no livery servant being +permitted to come within the door. In the afternoon we embarked in +two splendid barges, being attended by a band of music in a third; +and enjoyed a delightful evening upon the river till the twilight, +when we returned and began the ball, which was conducted with such +order and taste, that mirth and good-humour prevailed. No dissatisfaction +appeared, except in the countenance of one old maid, since married +to a son of the duke of --, who though she would not refuse to +partake of such an agreeable entertainment, was displeased that +I should have the honour of inviting her. O baleful Envy! thou +self-tormenting fiend! how dost thou predominate in all assemblies, +from the grand gala of a court, to the meeting of simple peasants +at their harvest-home! Nor is the prevalence of this sordid passion +to be wondered at, if we consider the weakness, pride, and vanity +of our sex. The presence of one favourite man shall poison the +enjoyment of a whole company, and produce the most rancorous enmity +betwixt the closest friends. + +"I danced with the master of the ball, who employed all the +artillery of his eloquence in making love; yet I did not listen to +his addresses, for he was not to my taste, though he possessed an +agreeable person, and a good acquired understanding; but he was +utterly ignorant of that gentle prevailing art which I afterwards +experienced in Mr. S---, and which was the only method he could +have successfully practised in seducing a young woman like me, born +with sentiments of honour, and trained up in the paths of religion +and virtue. This young gentleman was indeed absolutely master of +those insinuating qualifications which few women of passion and +sensibility can resist; and had a person every way adapted for +profiting by these insidious talents. He was well acquainted with +the human heart, conscious of his own power and capacity, and +exercised these endowments with unwearied perseverance. He was +tall and thin, of a shape and size perfectly agreeable to my taste, +with large blue eloquent eyes, good teeth, and a long head turned +to gallantry. His behaviour was the standard of politeness, and all +his advances were conducted with the most profound respect; which +is the most effectual expedient a man can use against us, if he +can find means to persuade us that it proceeds from the excess and +delicacy of his passion. It is no other than a silent compliment, +by which our accomplishments are continually flattered. and pleases +in proportion to the supposed understanding of him who pays it. + +"By these arts and advantages this consummate politician in love +began by degrees to sap the foundation of my conjugal faith: he +stole imperceptibly into my affection, and by dint of opportunity, +which he well knew how to improve, triumphed at last over all his +rivals. + +"Nor was he the only person that disputed my heart with Earl C--. +That nobleman was also rivalled by Lord C. H--, a Scotchman, who +had been an intimate and relation of my former husband. Him I would +have preferred to most of his competitors, and actually coquetted +with him for some time: but the amour was interrupted by his going +to Ireland; upon which occasion, understanding that he was but +indifferently provided with money, I made him a present of a gold +snuff-box, in which was enclosed a bank-note; a trifling mark +of my esteem, which he afterwards justified by the most grateful, +friendly, and genteel behaviour; and as we corresponded by letters, +I frankly told him, that Mr. S--- had stepped in, and won the palm +from all the rest of my admirers. + +"This new favourite's mother and sister, who lived in the neighbourhood, +were my constant companions; and, in consequence of this intimacy, +he never let a day pass without paying his respects to me in person; +nay, so ingenious was he in contriving the means of promoting his +suit, that whether I rode or walked, went abroad or stayed at home, +he was always of course one of the party; so that his design seemed +to engross his whole vigilance and attention. Thus he studied my +disposition, and established himself in my good opinion at the same +time. He found my heart was susceptible of every tender impression, +and saw that I was not free from the vanity of youth; he had already +acquired my friendship and esteem, from which he knew there was +a short and easy transition to love. By his penetration choosing +proper seasons for the theme, he urged it with such pathetic vows +and artful adulation, as well might captivate a young woman of +my complexion and experience, and circumstanced as I was, with a +husband whom I had such reason to despise. + +"Though he thus made an insensible progress in my heart, he did +not find my virtue an easy conquest; and I myself was ignorant of +the advantage he had gained with regard to my inclinations, until +I was convinced of his success by an alarm of jealousy which I one +day felt, at seeing him engaged in conversation with another lady. +I forthwith recognized this symptom of love, with which I had +been formerly acquainted, and trembled at the discovery of my own +weakness. I underwent a strange agitation and mixture of contrary +sensations. I was pleased with the passion, yet ashamed of avowing +it even to my own mind. The rights of a husband, though mine was +but a nominal one, occurred to my reflection, and virtue, modesty, +and honour, forbade me to cherish the guilty flame. + +"When I encouraged these laudable scruples, and resolved to +sacrifice my love to duty and reputation, my lord was almost every +day employed in riding post to my father, with complaints of my +conduct, which was hitherto irreproachable; though the greatest +grievance which he pretended to have suffered was my refusing to +comply with his desire, when he entreated me to lie, a whole hour +every morning, with my neck uncovered, that, by gazing, he might +quiet the perturbation of his spirits. From this request you may +judge of the man, as well as of the regard I must entertain for +his character and disposition. + +"During the whole summer I was besieged by my artful undoer, and +in the autumn set out with my lord for Bath, where, by reason of +the intimacy that subsisted between our families, we lived in the +same house with my lover and his sister, who, with another agreeable +young lady, accompanied us in this expedition. By this time Mr. +S-- had extorted from me a confession of a mutual flame, though I +assured him that it should never induce me to give up the valuable +possession of an unspotted character, and a conscience void of offence. +I offered him all the enjoyment he could reap from an unreserved +intercourse of souls, abstracted from any sensual consideration. +He eagerly embraced the platonic proposal, because he had sagacity +enough to foresee the issue of such chimerical contracts, and +knew me too well to think he could accomplish his purpose without +seeming to acquiesce in my own terms, and cultivating my tenderness +under the specious pretext. + +"In consequence of this agreement, we took all opportunities of +seeing each other in private; and these interviews were spent in +mutual protestations of disinterested love. This correspondence, +though dangerous, was, on my side, equally innocent and endearing; +and many happy hours we passed, before my sentiments were discovered. +At length my lover was taken ill, and then my passion burst out +beyond the power of concealment; my grief and anxiety became so +conspicuous in my countenance, and my behaviour was so indiscreet, +that everybody in the house perceived the situation of my thoughts, +and blamed my conduct accordingly. + +"Certain it is, I was extremely imprudent, though intentionally +innocent. I have lain whole nights by my lord, who teased and +tormented me for that which neither I could give nor he could take, +and ruminated on the fatal consequences of this unhappy flame, until +I was worked into a fever of disquiet. I saw there was no safety +but in flight, and often determined to banish myself for ever from +the sight of this dangerous intruder. But my resolution always failed +at the approach of day, and my desire of seeing him as constantly +recurred. So far was I from persisting in such commendable +determinations, that, on the eve of our departure from Bath, I felt +the keenest pangs of sorrow at our approaching separation; and, +as we could not enjoy our private interviews at my house in town, +I promised to visit him at his own apartments, after he had sworn +by all that's sacred, that he would take no sinister advantage +of my condescension, by presuming upon the opportunities I should +give. + +"He kept his word, for he saw I trusted to it with fear and +trembling, and perceived that my apprehension was not affected, but +the natural concern of a young creature, distracted between love +and duty, whom, had he alarmed, he would never had seen within his +doors again. Instead of pressing me with solicitations in favour +of his passion, he was more than ever respectful and complaisant; +so that I found myself disengaged of all restraint, conducted the +conversation, shortened and repeated my visits at my own pleasure, +till at last I became so accustomed to this communication, that +his house was as familiar to me as my own. + +"Having in this manner secured himself in my confidence, he resumed +the favourite topic of love, and, warming my imagination by gradual +advances on the subject, my heart began to pant; when he saw me +thus moved, he snatched the favourable occasion to practise all his +eloquence and art. I could not resist his energy nor even fly from +the temptation that assailed me, until he had obtained a promise +that he should, at our next meeting, reap the fruits of his tedious +expectation. Upon this condition, I was permitted to retire, and +blessed heaven for my escape, fully determined to continue in the +path of virtue I had hitherto trod, and stifle the criminal flame +by which my peace and reputation were endangered. But his idea, +which reigned in my heart without control, soon baffled all these +prudent suggestions. + +"I saw him again; and he reminded me of my promise, which I endeavoured +to evade with affected pleasantry, upon which he manifested the +utmost displeasure and chagrin, shedding some crocodile tears, and +upbraided me with levity and indifference. He observed, that he +had solicited my favour for ten long months without intermission, +and imagined I had held out so long on virtuous motives only; but +now he could plainly perceive that his want of success had been owing +to my want of affection, and that all my professions were insincere. +In a word, he persuaded me that his remonstrances were just and +reasonable. I could not see the affliction of a man I loved, when +I knew it was in my power to remove it; and, rather than forfeit +his opinion of my sincerity and love, I consented to his wish. +My heart now flutters at the remembrance of the dear though fatal +indiscretion; yet I reflect without remorse, and even remember it +with pleasure. + +"If I could not avoid the censure of the world, I was resolved to +bear it without repining; and sure the guilt, if there was any in +my conduct, was but venial; for I considered myself as a person +absolved of all matrimonial ties, by the insignificance of Lord +--, who, though a nominal husband, was in fact a mere nonentity. +I therefore contracted a new engagement with my lover, to which I +resolved to adhere with the most scrupulous fidelity, without the +least intention of injuring my lord or his relations; for, had our +mutual passion produced any visible effects, I would immediately +have renounced and abandoned my husband for ever, that the fruit +of my love for Mr. S-- might not have inherited, to the detriment +of the right heir. This was my determination, which I thought just, +if not prudent; and for which I have incurred the imputation of +folly, in the opinion of this wise and honest generation, by whose +example and advice I have, since that time, been a little reformed +in point of prudentials, though I still retain a strong tendency +to return to my primitive way of thinking. + +"When I quitted Mr. S--, after the sacrifice I had made, and +returned to my own bed, it may, perhaps, be supposed that I slept +but little. True: I was kept awake by the joyful impatience of +revisiting my lover. Indeed I neglected no opportunity of flying +to his arms. When Lord -- was in the country, we enjoyed each +other's company without interruption; but when he resided in town, +our correspondence was limited to stolen interviews, which were +unspeakably delicious, as genuine love presided at the entertainment. + +"Such was my happiness in the course of this tender communication, +that to this day I remember it with pleasure, though it has cost me +dear in the sequel, and was at that time enjoyed at a considerable +expense; for I devoted myself so entirely to my lover, who was +desirous of engrossing my time and thoughts, that my acquaintance, +which was very numerous, justly accused me of neglect, and of +consequence cooled in their friendships; but I was 'all for love, +or the world well lost;' and were the same opportunity to offer, +I would act the same conduct over again. + +"Some there are who possibly may wonder how I could love twice +with such violence of affection. But all such observers must be +unacquainted with the human heart. Mine was naturally adapted for +the tender passions, and had been so fortunate, so cherished in +its first impressions, that it felt with joy the same sensations +revive, when influenced by the same engaging qualifications. Certain +it is, I loved the second time as well as the first, and better +was impossible. I gave up my all for both: fortune and my father's +favour for the one; reputation, friends, and fortune for the other. +Yet, notwithstanding this intimate connection, I did not relinquish +the world all at once; on the contrary, I still appeared at court, +and attracted the notice and approbation of my royal patroness; I +danced with the P-- of W--; a circumstance which so nearly affected +Mr. S--, who was present, that, in order to manifest his resentment, +he chose the ugliest woman in the ball for his partner; and I no +sooner perceived his uneasiness, than I gave over, with a view of +appeasing his displeasure. + +"Without repeating particular circumstances, let it suffice to say, +our mutual passion was a perfect copy of that which had subsisted +between me and my dear Lord W--. It was jealous, melting and delicate, +and chequered with little accident, which serve to animate and +maintain the flame, in its first ardency of rapture. When my lover +was sick, I attended and nursed him with indefatigable tenderness +and care; and during an indisposition, which I caught in the +performance of this agreeable office, he discharged the obligation +with all the warmth of sympathy and love. + +"It was, however, judged necessary by the physicians, that +I should use the Bath waters for the recovery of my health; and I +set out for that place, glad of a pretence to be absent from Lord +--, with whom I lived on very unhappy terms. He had, about nine +months after our marriage, desired that we might sleep in separate +beds, and gave a very whimsical reason for this proposal. He said, +the immensity of his love deprived him of the power of gratification, +and that some commerce with an object, to which his heart was not +attached, might, by diminishing the transports of his spirits, +recompose his nerves, and enable him to enjoy the fruits of his +good fortune. + +"You may be sure I made no objection to this plan, which was +immediately put into execution. He made his addresses to a nymph +of Drury Lane, whose name, as he told me, was Mrs. Rock. She made +shift to extract some money from her patient; but his infirmity was +beyond the power of her art, though she made some mischief between +us; and I communicated my suspicion to the duke of H--, who intended +to have expostulated with her upon the subject; but she got intimation +of his design, and saved him the trouble by a precipitate retreat. + +"After my return from Bath, where Mr. S-- and I had lived happily, +until we were interrupted by the arrival of my husband, his lordship +expressed an inclination to be my bedfellow again. In this particular +I desired to be excused. I would not be the first to propose the +separation, which, though usual in other countries, is contrary to +the custom of England, being unwilling to furnish the least handle +for censure, as my character was still unblemished; yet, when +the proposal came from him, I thought myself entitled to refuse a +reunion; to which I accordingly objected. + +"This opposition produced a quarrel, which rose to a state of +perpetual animosity; so that we began to talk of parting. My lord +relished the expedient, agreeing to add three hundred pounds a year +to my pin-money, which, by the bye, was never paid; and I renounced +all state and grandeur, to live in a small house that I hired +at Carshalton, where I passed my time for two months, in the most +agreeable retirement, with my dear lover. At length I was disturbed +by the intrusion of my lord, who molested me with visits and +solicitations to return, pretending that he had changed his mind, +and insisting upon my compliance with his desire. + +"I exhausted my invention in endeavours to evade his request; but +he persecuted me without ceasing. So that I was fain to capitulate, +on condition that he should immediately set out for France; and +that he should not presume to approach my bed till our arrival at +Calais. We accordingly departed for that kingdom; and, far from +infringing the least article of our treaty, his lordship did not +insist upon his privilege before we reached the capital of France. + +"Meanwhile, I began to feel the effect of my passion in a very +interesting manner, and communicated my discovery to the dear author +of it, who would not leave me in such an affecting situation, but +took the first opportunity of following us to France. + +"In our road to Paris, we stopped to visit Chantilly, a magnificent +chateau belonging to the prince of Conde, and there met by accident +with some English noblemen, to whom I was known. The prince and his +sisters invited me very politely into the gallery where they sat. +They complimented me on my person, and seemed to admire my dress, +which was altogether new to them, being a blue English riding-habit, +trimmed with gold, and a hat with a feather. They were particularly +well pleased with my hair which hung down to my waist, and pressed +me to stay a fortnight at their house; an invitation which I was +very much mortified at being obliged to refuse, because my lord +did not understand the French language. I was enchanted with the +place and the company, the women being amiable, and the men polite; +nor were they strangers to my name and story; for Mr. S-- calling +at the same place a few days after, they rallied him on my account. + +"When we arrived at Paris, the first thing I did was to metamorphose +myself into a Frenchwoman. I cut off my hair, hid a very good +complexion of my own with rouge, reconciled myself to powder, which I +had never used before, put on a robe with a large hoop, and went +to the Tuileries, full of spirits and joy; for, at that time, +everything conspired to make me happy. I had health, youth, and +beauty, love, vanity, and affluence, and found myself surrounded +with diversions which were gay, new, and agreeable. My appearance +drew upon me the eyes of the whole company, who considered me a +stranger, but not a foreigner, so completely was I equipped in the +fashion of the French; and when they understood who I was, they +applauded my person with the most lavish encomiums, according to +their known politeness. + +"After having made a circuit round all the public places of +entertainment in Paris, I was introduced into the company by an +English family, residing in that city; and, among others, became +acquainted with a French lady, whose charms were remarkably attractive. +The duke of K-- was her admirer; but she lived in reputation with +her mother, and an agreeable sister, whose lover was the prince of +C--, for almost every lady in France has her aimant. + +"With this charming woman, whose name was Madame de la T--, I often +made parties of pleasure. The duke, Mr. S--, she, and I, used to +meet in the Bois de Boulogne, which is a pleasant wood, at a small +distance from Paris, whither the company repairs in the summer season +for the benefit of the air; and, after having amused ourselves among +the groves, embarked in his grace's equipage, which was extremely +elegant, being a calash drawn by six fine long-tailed greys, adorned +with ribbons, in the French taste; and thus we were conducted to +a little enchanted, or at least enchanting, palace, possessed by +the duke, at one end of the town. The lower apartment, appropriated +to me, was furnished with yellow and silver, the bed surrounded with +looking-glasses, and the door opened into the garden, laid out in +a cradle walk, and intervening parterres of roses and other flowers. +Above-stairs, my female companion lodged in a chamber furnished +with chintz. We supped all together in the saloon, which, though +small, was perfectly elegant. The company was always good-humoured, +the conversation sprightly and joyous, and the scene, though often +repeated, still delightful and entertaining. + +"At other times, Mr. S-- and I used to pass our evenings at +the palace of the prince of C--, which his highness lent us for +our accommodation. The apartments opened into the gardens of the +Luxembourg, and were, in point of magnificence, suitable to the +owner. Thither I used to repair in a flaming equipage, on pretence +of visiting, and spent the best part of the night with him who was +dearer to me than all the princes in the world. + +"While I was happily engaged in these ravishing parties, my little +lord was employed in his efforts to recover his health by restoratives, +and I know not what; for he still lamented the enfeebling effects +of his passion, and complained that he loved me more like an angel +than a woman, though he strove to govern his affections according +to the doctrines of the Christian religion, as he regulated his +life by the maxims of Charles the Twelfth of Sweden. The meaning +of this declaration I could never learn; and, indeed, I have been +often tempted to believe he had no meaning at all. + +"Be that as it will, I found my size visibly increasing, and my +situation extremely uneasy, on account of the perpetual wrangling +which prevailed between us, in consequence of his desiring to sleep +with me again, after we had parted beds for the second time; and, +that I might no longer be exposed to such disagreeable persecutions, +I resolved to leave him, though at the hazard of my life. + +"Thus determined, I went to the British ambassador, in a hackney-coach; +and, in order to disguise my youth, which might have prepossessed +him against my judgment, muffled myself up in a black hood, which, +as he said, instead of lending an air of gravity to my countenance, +added a wildness to my looks, which was far from being disagreeable. +He had been a gallant man in his youth, and even then, though well +stricken in years, was not insensible to the power of beauty. This +disposition, perhaps, rendered him more favourable to my cause, +though he first advised me to return to my husband; but finding me +obstinate, he undertook to serve me in my own way, and procured a +protection from the French king, by virtue of which I could live +at Paris unmolested by my lord. Nevertheless, he advised me, if I +was determined to leave him, to make the best of my way to England +and sue for a divorce. I relished his opinion, and concealed myself +about three days in Paris, during which I borrowed some linen; +for, as it was impossible to convey anything out of my own house +without suspicion, I had neither clothes for my accommodation, nor +a servant to wait on me. + +"In this solitary condition, I took the road to Flanders, after +I had put my lord upon a wrong scent, by writing a letter to him, +dated at Calais, and travelled through an unknown country, without +any other attendant than the postillion, being subjected to this +inconvenience by the laws of France, which are so severe in some +particulars, that, if any person had been apprehended with me, he +would have suffered death for going off with a man's wife; though +any man might go to bed with that same woman, without fear of +incurring any legal punishment. + +"I proceeded night and day without intermission, that I might +the sooner reach Flanders, where I knew I should be safe; and as +the nights were excessively cold, I was fain to wrap myself up in +flannel, which I bought for the purpose, as I had no clothes to keep +me warm, and travelled in an open chaise. While we passed through +dreary woods, quite remote from the habitations of men, I was not +without apprehension of being stripped and murdered by the postillion; +and, in all probability, owed my safety to the indigence of my +appearance, which might also protect me in two miserable places, +where I was obliged to lie, before I got out of the territories of +France; for, as I could not reach the great towns where I intended +to lodge, I was under the necessity of putting up at little wretched +hovels, where no provision was to be had, but sour brown bread, and +sourer cheese; and everything seemed to denote the dens of despair +and assassination. + +"I made shift, however, to subsist on this fare, uncomfortable as +it was, confiding on the meanness of my equipage for the security +of my person; and at length arriving at Brussels, fixed my quarters +in the Hotel de Flandre (so well known to the English since), where +I thought myself extremely happy in the accomplishment of my flight. + +"I had not been two full days in this place, when I was blessed +with the sight of my lover, who followed me on the wings of love, +in pursuance of the plan we had projected before my departure +from Paris. Here we concerted measures for proceeding to England. +I hired a tall fine Liegeoise for my maid, and setting out for +Ostend, we embarked in a vessel, in which Mr. S-- had bespoke our +passage. Our voyage was short and prosperous, and our time most +agreeably spent in the company of my dear partner, who was a most +engaging man in all respects, as I dare say my Lady C-- has since +found him. + +"I assumed a fictitious name, took private lodgings in Poland-street, +retained lawyers, and commenced a suit for separation against my +lord. I communicated the reasons of my elopement to my father, who +was shocked and surprised at my conduct, which he condemned with +expressions of sorrow and resentment. But the step was taken; nor +did I repent of what I had done, except on his account. + +"In the morning after my arrival at London, I waited upon the lord +chief justice, to whom I complained of the usage I had received +from my lord, whose temper was teasing, tiresome, and intolerably +capricious. Indeed, his behaviour was a strange compound of madness +and folly, seasoned with a small proportion of sense. No wonder +then, that I, who am hot and hasty, should be wretched, under the +persecution of such a perverse humourist, who used to terrify me, +and scold at me the whole night without intermission, and shake my +pillow from time to time, that I might not sleep, while he tormented +me with his disagreeable expostulations. I have been often frightened +almost out of my senses, at seeing him convulsed with the most +unreasonable passion; and chagrined to the highest degree of disgust, +to find, by repeated observation, his disposition so preposterous, +that his satisfaction and displeasure never depended upon the cause +he had to be satisfied or disobliged; but, on the contrary, when +he had most reason to be pleased, he was always most discontented, +and very often in good-humour when he had reason enough for vexation. + +"While I lived in Poland-street, I was engaged with lawyers, and +so often visited by my father, that I could not dedicate my whole +time as usual to my lover; nor was it convenient that he should be +seen in my company: he therefore took a small house at Camberwell, +whither I went as often as I had an opportunity; and maintained the +correspondence with such eagerness and industry, that, although I +was six months gone with child, I have often, by myself, set out +for his habitation, in a hackney-coach, at eleven o'clock at night, +and returned by six in the morning, that I might be in my own bed +when my father came to see me; for I concealed my amour, as well +as the effects of it, from his knowledge, and frequently took water +from the bridge, that my motions might not be discovered. Nothing +but the most passionate love could have supported my spirits under +such vicissitudes of fatigue, or enabled my admirer to spend whole +days by himself in such a solitary retirement. + +"By this time, my lord was arrived in England, and employed in +discovering the place of my retreat; so that I lived in continual +alarm, and provided myself with a speaking-trumpet, which stood +by my bedside, to be used in calling for assistance, in case my +pursuer should make an attack upon my lodgings. + +"This situation being extremely uncomfortable, I had no sooner +begun my process against him, than I put myself entirely under the +protection of Mr. S--, who conducted me to the house of a friend of +his who lived in the country, where I was secure from the attempts +of my husband. The world had now given me up, and I had renounced +the world with the most perfect resignation. I weighed in my breast +what I should lose in point of character, with what I suffered +in my peace at home, and found, that my reputation was not to +be preserved, except at the expense of my quiet, for his lordship +was not disposed to make me easy, had I been ever so discreet. I +therefore determined to give up a few ceremonial visits, and empty +professions, for the more substantial enjoyments of life. + +"We passed our time very agreeably in various amusements with +this friend of Mr. S--, until the term of my reckoning was almost +expired, then returned to London, and took lodgings in Southampton-street, +where I began to make the preparations for the approaching occasion. +Here I proposed to live with the utmost circumspection. I disguised +my name, saw nobody but my lawyer and lover, and never approached +the window lest I should be discovered by accident. Notwithstanding +these precautions, my French maid, whom I had sent for some of my +clothes, was dogged in her return, and next morning my lord took +my lodgings by storm. Had he given the assault in his person only, +I make no doubt but he would have suffered a repulse from the +opposition of the Liegeoise, who made all the resistance in her +power; but was obliged to give way to superior numbers. I was at +that time abed, and hearing an unusual noise below, rang my bell, +in order to know the cause of such disturbance. I drew my curtain +at the same time, and who should I see entering my chamber but his +lordship, attended by a constable, and the footman who had discovered +my retreat! + +"Such an unexpected visit could not fail to affect me with surprise +and consternation. However, I summoned all my fortitude to my aid, +and perceiving the fellows were about to open my window-shutters, +desired their principal to order them down-stairs. He readily complied +with my request, and sitting down by my bedside, told me with an +air of triumph, that he had found me at last; and I frankly owned, +that I was heartily sorry for his success. Instead of upbraiding +me with my escape, he proceeded to entertain me with all the news +in town, and gave me a minute detail of everything that happened +to him since our parting; among other articles of intelligence, +giving me to understand, that he had challenged Mr. S--, who refused +to fight him, and was in disgrace with the prince of W-- on that +account. + +"But here his lordship did not strictly adhere to the naked truth. +He had indeed, before our departure from the country, gone to my +lover, and insisted upon having satisfaction in Hyde Park, two days +from the date of his demand, and at three o'clock in the afternoon; +S--, believing him in earnest, accepted the invitation; though he +observed, that these affairs could not be discussed too soon, and +wished the time of meeting might be an earlier hour. But his lordship +did not choose to alter the circumstances of his first proposal; +and, when he went away, said he should expect him at the appointed +place and time, if it did not rain. + +"His antagonist gave me an account of the conversation, when +I assured him the whole business would end in smoke. Accordingly, +my lord sent him a letter on Monday, desiring that the assignation +might be deferred till Thursday, that he might have time to settle +his affairs, and pay S-- a hundred pounds, which he had formerly +borrowed of him. When Thursday came, he was favoured with another +epistle, importing that the challenger had changed his mind, and +would seek satisfaction at law. Thus ended that heroic exploit, +which his lordship now boasted of with such arrogant misrepresentation. + +"While he thus regaled me with these interesting particulars, I +was contriving a scheme to frustrate the discovery he had made; so +that I did not contradict his assertions, but told him, that, if +he would go down-stairs, I would rise and come to breakfast. He +consented to this proposal with great cheerfulness; and I own I +was not a little surprised to find him, at this first interview, +in as good a humour as if nothing had happened to interrupt the +felicity of our matrimonial union. + +"It cost me some invention to conceal my condition from his notice, +being now within a week of the expected crisis. But I knew I had to +do with a man of no great penetration, and succeeded in my attempt +accordingly. We breakfasted with great harmony, and I invited him +to dinner, after having prevailed upon him to send away his myrmidons, +whom, nevertheless, he ordered to return at eleven o'clock at night. +We conversed together with great gaiety and mirth. When I rallied +him for visiting me in such a dishabille, he stood on tiptoe to +view himself in the glass; and, owning I was in the right, said +he would go and dress himself before dinner. He accordingly went +away, charging my maid to give him entrance at his return; and he +was no sooner gone than I wrote to Mr. S--, giving him an account +of what had happened. Then, without having determined on any certain +plan, I huddled on my clothes, muffled myself up, and calling a +chair, went to the next tavern, where I stayed no longer than was +sufficient to change my vehicle; and, to the astonishment of the +drawers, who could not conceive the meaning of my perturbation, +proceeded to a shop in the neighbourhood, where I dismissed my +second chair, and procured a hackney-coach, in which I repaired +to the lodgings of my lawyer, whom I could trust. Having made him +acquainted with the circumstances of my distress, and consulted +him about a proper place of retreat, after some recollection, he +directed me to a little house in a court, to which, by the assistance +of my lover, my woman and clothes were safely conveyed that same +evening. + +"My lord, however, came to dinner, according to invitation, and +did not seem at all alarmed when my maid told him I was gone, but +stepped to my lawyer to know if he thought I should return. Upon +his answering in the affirmative, and advising his lordship to go +back in the meantime, and eat the dinner I had provided, he very +deliberately took his advice, made a very hearty meal, drank his +bottle of wine, and, as I did not return according to his expectation, +withdrew in order to consult his associates. This motion of his +furnished my woman with an opportunity of making her retreat; and, +when he returned at night, the coast was clear, and he found nobody +in the house, but a porter, who had been left to take care of the +furniture. He was so enraged at this disappointment, that he made +a furious noise, which raised the whole neighbourhood, reinforced +his crew with the authority of a justice of the peace, tarried in +the street till three o'clock in the morning, discharged a lodging +he had hired at a barber's shop opposite to the house from which I +had escaped, and retired with the comfortable reflection of having +done everything which a man could do to retrieve me. + +"The hurry of spirits and surprise I had undergone in effecting +this retreat, produced such a disorder in my constitution, that I +began to fear I should be delivered before I could be provided with +the necessaries for the occasion. I signified my apprehension to +Mr. S--, who, with infinite care and concern, endeavoured to find +a more convenient place; and, after all his inquiries, was obliged +to fix upon a paltry apartment in the city, though his tenderness +was extremely shocked at the necessity of choosing it. However, there +was no remedy, nor time to be lost, To this miserable habitation +I was carried in a hackney-coach; and, though extremely ill, bore +my fate with spirit and resignation, in testimony of my sincere +and indelible attachment to my lover, for whose case and pleasure, +I could have suffered every inconvenience, and even sacrificed my +life. + +"Immediately after I had taken possession of my wretched apartment, +I was constrained by my indisposition to go to bed, and send +for necessary help; and in a few hours a living pledge of my love +and indiscretion saw the light, though the terrors and fatigue I +had undergone had affected this little innocent so severely, that +it scarce discovered any visible signs of life. My grief at this +misfortune was inexpressible. I forthwith despatched a message to +the dear, the anxious father, who flew to my arms, and shared my +sorrow, with all the gentleness of love and parental fondness; yet +our fears were, for that time, happily disappointed by the recovery +of our infant daughter, who was committed to the charge of a nurse +in the neighbourhood; so that I could every day be satisfied in +my inquiries about her health. Thus I continued a whole fortnight +in a state of happiness and tranquility, being blessed with +the conversation and tender offices of my admirer, whose love and +attention I wholly engrossed. In a word, he gave up all business +and amusement, and concentrated all his care and assiduity in +ministering to my ease and satisfaction: and sure I had no cause +to regret what I had suffered on his account. + +"But this my agreeable situation was one day disturbed by a most +alarming accident, by which my life was drawn into imminent danger. +The room under my bed-chamber took fire: I immediately smelt it, and +saw the people about me in the utmost perplexity and consternation, +though they would not own the true cause of their confusion, lest +my health should suffer in the fright. Nevertheless, I was so calm +in my inquiries, that they ventured to tell me my suspicion was +but too just; upon which I gave such directions as I thought would +secure me from catching cold, in case there should be a necessity +for removing me; but the fire being happily extinguished, I escaped +that ceremony, which might have cost me my life. Indeed, it was +surprising that the agitation of my spirits did not produce some +fatal effect upon my constitution; and I looked upon my deliverance +as the protection of a particular providence. + +"Though I escaped the hazard of a sudden removal, I found it was +high time to change my lodgings, because the neighbours rushing +into the house, upon the alarm of fire, had discovered my situation, +though they were ignorant of my name; and I did not think myself +safe in being the subject of their conjectures. Mr. S--, therefore, +procured another compartment, with better accommodation, to which +I was carried as soon as my health would admit of my removal; and +soon after my lord wrote to me by the hands of my lawyer, earnestly +entreating me to drop my prosecution, and come home; but I would not +comply with his request; and nothing was farther from my intention +than the desire of receiving any favours at his hands. + +"Thus repulsed, he set on foot a most accurate search for my person; +in the course of which he is said to have detected several ladies +and young girls, who had reasons for keeping themselves concealed; +and had like to have been very severely handled for his impertinent +curiosity. Being unsuccessful in all his attempts, he entered +into a treaty with one Sir R-- H--, a person of a very indifferent +character, who undertook to furnish him with an infallible expedient +to discover the place of my abode, if he would gratify him with +a bond for a thousand pounds; which being executed accordingly, +this worthy knight advertised me and my maid in the public papers, +offering one hundred pounds as a reward to any person who should +disclose the place of our retirement. + +"As soon as the paper fell into my hands, I was again involved in +perplexity; and, being afraid of staying in town, resolved, with the +concurrence of my lover, to accept of an invitation I had received +from the duke of K--, who had by this time arrived in England, with +that lady whom I have already mentioned as one of our parties at +Paris. Having visited my little infant, I next day set out for the +duke's country seat, which is a most elegant chateau, and stands +in a charming situation. Mr. S--- followed in a few days. We met +with a very cordial reception; his grace was civil and good-natured, +lived nobly, and loved pleasure; Madame de la T-- was formed to +please. There was always a great deal of company in the house; +so that we passed our time agreeably in playing at billiards and +cards, hunting, walking, reading, and conversation. + +"But my terms of happiness were generally of short duration. In the +midst of this felicity I was overtaken by a most severe affliction, +in the death of my dear hapless infant, who had engrossed a greater +share of my tenderness than perhaps I even should have paid to the +offspring of a legitimate contract; because the circumstance of her +birth would have been an insurmountable misfortune to her through +the whole course of her life, and rendered her absolutely dependent +on my love and protection. + +"While I still lamented the untimely fate of this fair blossom, +Lord -- came down, and demanded me as his wife; but the suit which +I then maintained against him deprived him, for the present, of a +husband's right; and therefore the duke would not deliver me into +his hands. In six months he repeated his visit and demand; and +an agreement was patched up, in consequence of which I consented +to live in the same house with him, on condition that he should +never desire to sleep with me, or take any other measure to disturb +my peace; otherwise I should be at liberty to leave him again, +and entitled to the provision of a separate maintenance. To these +articles I assented, by the advice of my lawyers, with a view of +obtaining the payment of my pin-money, which I had never received +since our parting, but subsisted on the sale of my jewels, which +were very considerable, and had been presented to me with full +power of alienation. As to my lover, he had no fortune to support +me; and for that reason I was scrupulously cautious of augmenting +his expense. + +"We had now enjoyed each other's company for three years, during +which our mutual passions had suffered no abatement, nor had +my happiness been mixed with any considerable alloy, except that +late stroke of providence which I have already mentioned, and the +reflection of the sorrow that my conduct had entailed upon my dear +father, whom I loved beyond expression, and whom nothing could have +compelled me to disoblige but a more powerful flame, that prevailed +over every other consideration. As I was now forced to break off +this enchanting correspondence, it is not to be doubted that our +parting cost us the most acute sensations of grief and disappointment. +However, there was no remedy. I tore myself from his arms, took my +leave of the family, after having acknowledged my obligations to +the duke, and set out for the place of rendezvous, where I was met +by my lord, attended by a steward whom he had lately engaged, and +who was one chief cause of our future separations. My lord, having +quitted his house in town, conducted me to his lodgings in Pall +Mall, and insisted upon sleeping with me the first night; but I +refused to gratify his desire, on the authority of our agreement. + +"This dispute produced a quarrel, in consequence of which I attempted +to leave the house. He endeavouring to prevent my retreat, I fairly +locked him in, ran down-stairs, and, calling a hackney-coach, made +the best of my way into the city, to my father's lodgings, where I +lay, the family being in town, though he himself was in the country. +I wrote to him immediately; and, when he came to London, declared +my intention of separating from my lord; in which, seeing me obstinate +and determined, he at length acquiesced, and a formal separation +accordingly ensued, which at that time I thought binding and +immutable. + +"I was now sheltered under the wings of an indulgent father, who +had taken me into favour again, on the supposition that my commerce +with Mr. S-- was absolutely at an end. Nevertheless, though we had +separated, in all appearance for ever, we had previously agreed +to maintain our correspondence in private interviews, which should +escape the notice of the world, with which I was again obliged to +keep some measures. + +"Our parting at the duke of K--'s house in the country was attended +with all the genuine marks of sincere and reciprocal affection, and +I lived in the sweet hope of seeing him again, in all the transport +of his former passion, when my lawyer, who received my letters, +brought me a billet one night, just as I had gone to bed. Seeing +the superscription of S--'s handwriting, I opened it with all +the impatience of an absent lover; but how shall I describe the +astonishment and consternation with which I was seized, when I perused +the contents! Instead of the most tender vows and protestations, +this fatal epistle began with, Madam, the best thing you can do is +to return to your father, or some cold and killing expression to +that effect. + +"Heaven and earth! what did I feel at this dire conjuncture! +the light forsook my eyes, a cold sweat bedewed my limbs, and I +was overwhelmed with such a torrent of sorrow and surprise, that +everybody present believed I would have died under the violent +agitation. They endeavoured to support my spirits with repeated +draughts of strong liquor, which had no sensible effect upon +my constitution, though for eight whole years I had drunk nothing +stronger than water; and I must have infallibly perished in the +first ecstasy of my grief, had it not made its way in a fit of tears +and exclamation, in which I continued all night, to the amazement +of the family, whom my condition had alarmed, and raised from their +repose. My father was the only person who guessed the cause of my +affliction; he said he was sure I had received some ill-usage in +a letter or message from that rascal S--; so he termed him in the +bitterness of passion. + +"At mention of that name, my agony redoubled to such a degree that +all who were present wept at sight of my deplorable condition. My +poor father shed a flood of tears, and conjured me to tell him the +cause of my disquiet; upon which, rather than confess the truth, I +amused his concern by pretending that my lover was ill. The whole +family having stayed by me till I was a little more composed, left +me to the care of my maid, who put me into bed about six in the +morning, but I enjoyed no rest. I revolved every circumstance of +my conduct, endeavouring to find out the cause of this fatal change +in S--'s disposition; and as I could recollect nothing which could +justly give offence, concluded that some malicious persons had +abused his ears with stories to my prejudice. + +"With this conjecture I got up, and sent my lawyer to him with a +letter, wherein I insisted upon seeing him, that I might have an +opportunity of justifying myself in person; a task which would be +easily performed, as I had never offended, but in loving too well. +I waited with the most anxious impatience for the return of my +messenger, who brought me an answer couched in the coldest terms of +civility which indifference could dictate; acknowledging, however, +that he had nothing to lay to my charge, but that it was for the +good of us both that we should part. He ought to have reflected +on that before, not after I had sacrificed my all for his love! I +was well-nigh distracted by this confirmation of his inconstancy; +and I wonder to this day how I retained the use of my reason under +such circumstances of horror and despair! My grief laid aside all +decorum and restraint; I told my father that S-- was dying, and +that I would visit him with all expedition. + +"Startled at the proposal, this careful parent demonstrated the +fatal consequence of such an unguarded step, reminded me of the +difficulty with which he had prevailed upon my mother and uncle to +forgive my former imprudence, observed that his intention was to +carry me into the country next day, in order to effect a perfect +reconciliation; but now I was on the brink of forfeiting all +pretensions to their regard, by committing another fatal error, which +could not possibly be retrieved; and that, for his part, whatever +pangs it might cost him, he was resolved to banish me from his +sight for ever. + +"While he uttered this declaration, the tears trickled down his cheeks, +and he seemed overwhelmed with the keenest sorrow and mortification; +so it may be easily conceived what were the impressions of my grief, +reinforced with the affliction of a father whom I dearly loved, and +the consciousness of being the cause of all his disquiet! I was +struck dumb with remorse and woe; and, when I recovered the use +of speech, I told him how sensible I was of his great goodness and +humanity, and owned how little I deserved his favour and affection; +that the sense of my own unworthiness was one cause of my present +distraction; for such was the condition of my fate, that I must either +see S-- or die. I said, though I could not expect his forgiveness, +I was surely worthy of his compassion; that nothing but the most +irresistible passion could have misled me at first from my duty, or +tempted me to incur the least degree of his displeasure; that the +same fatal influence still prevailed, and would, in all probability, +continue to the grave, which was the only abode in which I hoped +for peace. + +"While I expressed myself in this manner, my dear good father wept +with the most tender sympathy, and, saying I might do as I pleased, +for he had done with me, quitted the room, leaving me to the +cruel sensations of my own heart, which almost burst with anguish, +upbraiding me with a fault which I could not help committing. +I immediately hired a chariot and six, and would have set out by +myself, had not my father's affection, which all my errors could +not efface, provided an attendant. He saw me quite delirious and +desperate; and therefore engaged a relation of my own to accompany +and take care of me in this rash expedition. + +"During this journey, which lasted two days, I felt no remission +of grief and anxiety, but underwent the most intolerable sorrow and +suspense. At last we arrived at a little house called the Hut, on +Salisbury Plain, where, in the most frantic agitation, I wrote a +letter to S--, describing the miserable condition to which I was +reduced by his unkindness, and desiring to see him, with the most +earnest solicitations. This billet I committed to the care of my +attendant, and laid strong injunctions upon him to tell Mr. S--, +my injuries were so great, and my despair so violent, that, if he +did not favour me with a visit, I would go to him, though at his +sister's house, where he then was. + +"He received my message with great coldness, and told my friend, +that, if I would return to London without insisting upon the +interview I demanded, he would, in a little time, follow me to town, +and everything should be amicably adjusted; but when the messenger +assured him, that I was too much transported with grief to hear of +such a proposal, he consented to meet me in the middle of Salisbury +Plain, that we might avoid all observation. And though I was little +able to walk, I set out for the place of assignation, my companion +following at a small distance. + +"When I saw him leading his horse down the hill, I collected all +my fortitude, and advanced to him with all the speed I could exert; +but when I made an effort to speak, my tongue denied its office, +and so lively was the expression of unutterable sorrow in my +countenance, that his heart, hard as it was, melted at the sight +of my sufferings, which he well knew proceeded from the sincerity +of my love. At length I recovered the use of speech enough to +tell him, that I was come to take my leave; and, when I would have +proceeded, my voice failed me again. But, after a considerable +pause, I found means, with great difficulty, to let him know how +sensible I was of my own incapacity to retrieve his lost affections; +but that I was willing, if possible, to retain his esteem, of which +could I be assured, I would endeavour to compose myself; that I +was determined to leave the kingdom, because I could not bear the +sight of those places where we had been so happy in our mutual love; +and that, till my departure, I hoped he would visit me sometimes, +that I might, by degrees, wean myself from his company; for I should +not be able to survive the shock of being deprived of him all at +once. + +"This address may seem very humble to an unconcerned observer; +but love will tame the proudest disposition, as plainly appeared +in my case; for I had naturally as much spirit, or more, than the +generality of people have. Mr. S-- was so much confounded at the +manner of my behaviour, that he scarce knew what answer to make; +for, as he afterwards owned, he expected to hear himself upbraided; +but he was not proof against my tenderness. After some hesitation, +he said, he never meant to forsake me entirely. that his affection +was still unimpaired, and that he would follow me directly to +London. I imposed upon myself, and believed what he said, because +I could not bear to think of parting with him for ever, and returned +to town in a more tranquil state of mind than that in which I had +left my father, though my heart was far from being at ease; my fears +being ingenious enough to foresee, that I should never be able to +overcome his indifference. + +"I took lodgings in Mount-street, and my maid having disposed of +herself in marriage, hired another, who supplied her place very +much to my satisfaction. She was a good girl, had a particular +attachment to me, and for many years, during which she lived in my +service, was indefatigably assiduous in contributing to my ease, +or rather in alleviating my affliction. For, though S-- came up +to town according to promise, and renewed a sort of correspondence +with me for the space of five months, his complaisance would extend +no farther; and he gave me to understand, that he had determined +to go abroad with Mr. V--; whom he accordingly accompanied in his +envoying to D--. + +"I understood the real cause of this expedition, which, notwithstanding +his oaths and protestations of unabated love and regard, I construed +into a palpable mark of dislike and disrespect; nor could the +repeated assurances I received from him in letters mitigate the +anguish and mortification that preyed upon my heart. I therefore +gave up all hopes of recovering the happiness I had lost. I told +him on the eve of his departure, that he might exercise his gallantry +a great while, before he would meet with my fellow, in point of +sincerity and love; for I would rather have been a servant in his +house, with the privilege of seeing him, than the queen of England +debarred of that pleasure. + +"When he took his leave, and went down-stairs, I shrunk at every +step he made, as if a new wound had been inflicted upon me and +when I heard the door shut behind him, my heart died within me. I +had the satisfaction to hear afterwards, he lamented the loss of +me prodigiously, and that he had never been so happy since. I sat +down to write a letter, in which I forgave his indifference, because +I knew the affections are altogether involuntary, and wished him +all the happiness he deserved. I then walked up and down the room +in the most restless anxiety, was put to bed by my maid, rose at +six, mounted my horse and rode forty miles, in order to fatigue +myself that I might next night enjoy some repose. This exercise I +daily underwent for months together; and, when it did not answer +my purpose, I used to walk round Hyde-park in the evening, when the +place was quite solitary and unvisited by any other human creature. + +"In the course of this melancholy perambulation, I was one day +accosted by a very great man, who, after the first salutation, asked +whether or not my intercourse with S-- was at an end, and if I had +any allowance from my husband. To the first of these questions I +replied in the affirmative; and to the last answered, that my lord +did not allow me a great deal; indeed, I might have truly said nothing +at all; but I was too proud to own my indigence. He then expressed +his wonder, how one like me, who had been used to splendour and +affluence from my cradle, could make shift to live in my present +narrow circumstances; and, when I told him that I could make a very +good shift, so I had peace, he seemed to lament my situation, and +very kindly invited me to sup with his wife at his house. I accepted +the invitation, without any apprehension of the consequence; +and, when I went to the place, was introduced into an apartment +magnificently lighted up, I suppose, for my reception. + +"After I had stayed alone for some time in this mysterious +situation, without seeing a living soul, my inviter appeared, and +said, he hoped I would not take it amiss that he and I were to +sup by ourselves, as he had something to say, which could not be +so properly communicated before company or servants. I then, for +the first time, perceived his drift, to my no small surprise and +indignation; and, with evident marks of displeasure, told him, I +was sure he had nothing to propose that would be agreeable to my +inclination, and that I would immediately leave the house. Upon +which he gave me to understand, that I could not possibly retire, +because he had sent away my chair, and all his servants were disposed +to obey his orders. + +"Incensed at this declaration, which I considered as an insult, I +answered, with an air of resolution, it was very well; I despised +his contrivance, and was afraid of nothing. Seeing me thus alarmed, +he assured me I had no reason to be afraid; that he had loved me +long, and could find no other opportunity of declaring his passion. +He said the Q-- had told him that Lord -- had renewed his addresses +to me; and, as he understood from my own mouth, my correspondence +with S-- was absolutely broke off, he thought himself as well +entitled as another to my regard. In conclusion, he told me that I +might command his purse, and that he had power enough to bring me +into the world again with eclat. To these advances I replied, that +he was very much mistaken in his opinion of my character, if he +imagined I was to be won by any temptations of fortune; and very +frankly declared, that I would rather give myself to a footman, +than sell myself to a prince. + +"Supper being served, we sat down together; but I would neither eat +nor drink anything, except a little bread and water; for I was an +odd whimsical girl, and it came into my head, that he might perhaps +have mixed something in the victuals or wine, which would alter +my way of thinking. In short, finding himself baffled in all his +endeavours, he permitted me about twelve o'clock to depart in peace, +and gave up his suit as a desperate cause. + +"This uncomfortable life did I lead for a whole twelvemonth, without +feeling the least abatement of my melancholy. Finding myself worn +to a skeleton, I resumed my former resolution of trying to profit +by change of place, and actually went abroad, with no other attendant +than my woman, and the utmost indifference for life. My intention +was to have gone to the south of France, where I thought I could +have subsisted on the little I had left, which amounted to five +hundred pounds, until the issue of my law-suit, by which I hoped +to obtain some provision from my lord; and, without all doubt, +my expectation would have been answered, had I put this my plan +in execution; but, being at Paris, from whence I proposed to set +forward in a few days, I sent to M. K--, who had been formerly +intimate with my father, and shown me many civilities during my +first residence in France. + +"This gentleman favoured me with a visit, and, when I made him +acquainted with my scheme, dissuaded me from it, as an uncomfortable +determination. He advised me to stay at Paris, where, with good +economy, I could live as cheap as in any other place, and enjoy +the conversation and countenance of my friends, among which number +he declared himself one of the most faithful. He assured me, that +I should be always welcome to his table, and want for nothing. He +promised to recommend me as a lodger to a friend of his, with whom +I would live in a frugal and decent manner; and observed, that, as +the woman was well known and esteemed by all the English company in +Paris, it would be the most reputable step I could take, considering +my youth and situation, to lodge with a creditable person, who could +answer for my conduct. Thus persuaded, I very simply followed his +advice; I say simply, because, notwithstanding his representations, +I soon found my money melt away, without any prospect of a fresh +supply. In lieu of this, however, I passed my time very agreeably +in several English and some French families, where, in a little +time, I became quite intimate, saw a great deal of company, and was +treated with the utmost politeness and regard; yet, in the midst +of these pleasures, many a melancholy sigh would rise at the +remembrance of my beloved S--, whom, for several years, I could +not recollect without emotion; but time, company, amusements, and +change of place, in a great measure dissipated these ideas, and +enabled me to bear my fate with patience and resignation. + +"On my last arrival at Paris, I was surrounded by a crowd of +professed admirers, who sighed and flattered in the usual forms; +but, besides that my heart was not in a condition to contract new +engagements, I was prepossessed against them all, by supposing that +they presumed upon the knowledge of my indiscretion with S--; and +therefore rejected their addresses with detestation and disdain; +for, as I have already observed, I was not to be won but by the +appearance of esteem, and the most respectful carriage; and though, +by a false step, I had, in my own opinion, forfeited my title to +the one, I was resolved to discourage the advances of any man who +seemed deficient in the other. + +"In this manner my lovers were one by one repulsed, almost as soon +as they presented themselves, and I preserved the independence of +my heart, until I became acquainted with a certain peer, whom I +often saw at the house of Mrs. P--, an English lady then resident +at Paris. This young nobleman professed himself deeply enamoured +of me, in a style so different from that of my other admirers, that +I heard his protestations without disgust; and, though my inclinations +were still free, could not find in my heart to discountenance his +addresses, which were preferred with the most engaging modesty, +disinterestedness, and respect. + +"By these never-failing arts, he gradually conquered my indifference, +and gained the preference in my esteem from Lord C-- and the prince +of C--, who were at that time his rivals. But what contributed more +than any consideration to his success was his declaring openly, that +he would marry me without hesitation, as soon as I could obtain a +divorce from my present husband, which, in all probability, might +have been easily procured; for, before I left England, Lord -- had +offered me five thousand pounds if I would consent to such a mutual +release, that he might be at liberty to espouse one Miss W--, +of Kent, to whom he then made love upon honourable terms; but I +was fool enough to refuse his proposal, by the advice of S--. And +whether or not his lordship, finding it impracticable to wed his +new mistress, began to make love upon another footing, I know not; +but, certain it is, the mother forbade him the house, a circumstance +which he took so heinously ill, that he appealed to the world in +a public advertisement, beginning with "Whereas, for some time, I +have passionately loved Miss W--, and, upon my not complying with +the mother's proposals, they have turned me out of doors, this is +to justify," etc. + +"This declaration, signed with his name, was actually printed in a +number of detached advertisements, which he ordered to be distributed +to the public; and afterwards, being convinced by some of his friends +that he had done a very silly thing, he recalled them at half a +guinea apiece. A copy of one of them was sent to me at Paris, and +I believe my father has now one of the originals in his possession. +After this wise vindication of his conduct, he made an attempt to +carry off the lady from church by force of arms; but she was rescued +by the neighbours, headed by her brother, who, being an attorney, +had like to have made his lordship smart severely for this exploit. + +"Meanwhile my new admirer had made some progress in my heart; +and, my finances being exhausted, I was reduced to the alternative +of returning to Lord -- again, or accepting Earl B--'s love. When +my affairs were brought to an issue, I made no hesitation in my +choice, putting myself under the protection of a man of honour whom +I esteemed, rather than suffer every sort of mortification from +a person who was the object of my abhorrence and contempt. From a +mistaken pride, I chose to live in Lord B--'s house, rather than +be maintained at his expense in another place. We spent several +months agreeably in balls and other diversions, visited Lord B--, +who lived at the distance of a few leagues from Paris, and stayed +some days at his house, where the entertainment was, in all +respects, delightful, elegant, and refined. Their habitation was the +rendezvous of the best company in France; and Lady B-- maintained +the same superiority in her own sex, for which her lord is so justly +distinguished among the men. + +"About Christmas we set out for England, accompanied by a little +North Briton, who lived with Lord B-- as his companion, and did not +at all approve of our correspondence; whether out of real friendship +for his patron, or apprehension that in time I might supersede his +own influence with my lord, I shall not pretend to determine. Be +that as it will, the frost was so severe, that we were detained ten +days at Calais before we could get out of the harbour; and, during +that time, I reflected seriously on what my new lover proposed. As +he was very young, and unacquainted with the world, I thought my +story might have escaped him; and therefore determined to give him +a faithful detail of the whole, that he might not have anything to +reproach me with in the sequel; besides, I did not think it honest +to engage him to do more for me than he might afterwards perhaps +think I was worth. Accordingly, I communicated to him every particular +of my life; and the narration, far from altering his sentiments, +rather confirmed his good opinion, by exhibiting an undoubted +proof of my frankness and sincerity. In short, he behaved with such +generosity, as made an absolute conquest of my heart. But my love +was of a different kind from that which had formerly reigned within +my breast, being founded upon the warmest gratitude and esteem, +exclusive of any other consideration, though his person was very +agreeable, and his address engaging. + +"When we arrived in England, I went directly to his country seat, +about twelve miles from London, where he soon joined me, and we +lived some time in perfect retirement. His relations being greatly +alarmed with the apprehension that Lord -- would bring an action +against him, though he himself desired nothing more, and lived so +easy under that expectation, that they soon laid aside their fears +on his account. + +"We were visited by Mr. H. B--, a relation of my lord, and one Mr. +R--, of the Guards, who, with the little Scotchman and my lover, made +an agreeable set, among whom I enjoyed hunting, and all manner of +country diversions. As to Mr. H. B--, if ever there was perfection +in one man, it centred in him; or, at least, he, of all the men I +ever knew, approached the nearest to that idea which I had conceived +of a perfect character. He was both good and great, possessed an +uncommon genius, and the best of hearts. Mr. R-- was a very sociable +man, had a good person, and cultivated understanding; and my lord +was excessively good-humoured; so that, with such companions, no +place could be dull or insipid. For my own part, I conducted the +family; and, as I endeavoured to please and make everybody happy, +I had the good fortune to succeed. Mr. B-- told me, that before +he saw me, he heard I was a fool; but finding, as he was pleased +to say, that I had been egregiously misrepresented, he courted my +friendship, and a correspondence commenced between us. Indeed, +it was impossible for any person to know him, without entertaining +the utmost esteem and veneration for his virtue. + +"After I had lived some time in this agreeable retreat, my husband +began to make a bustle. He sent a message, demanding me from Lord B--; +then came in person, with his nightcap in his pocket, intending to +have stayed all night, had he been asked, and attended by a relation, +whom he assured that I was very fond of him, and detained by force +from his arms. Finding himself disappointed in his expectations, +he commenced a law-suit against Lord B--, though not for a divorce, +as we desired, but with a view to reclaim me as his lawful wife. +His lawyers, however, attempted to prove criminal conversation, in +hopes of extorting money from my lover. But their endeavours were +altogether fruitless; for no servant of Lord B--'s or mine could +with justice say we were ever seen to trespass against modesty and +decorum; so that the plaintiff was nonsuited. While this cause was +depending, all my lover's friends expressed fear and concern for +the issue, while he himself behaved with the utmost resolution, and +gave me such convincing proofs of a strong and steady affection, +as augmented my gratitude, and riveted the ties of my love, which +was unblemished, faithful, and sincere. + +"Soon after this event, I was seized with a violent fit of illness, +in which I was visited by my father, and attended by two physicians, +one of whom despaired of my life, and took his leave accordingly; +but Dr. S--, who was the other, persisted in his attendance, and, +in all human appearance, saved my life; a circumstance by which +he acquired a great share of reputation. Yet, notwithstanding all +his assistance, I was confined to my bed for ten weeks; during which +Lord B--'s grief was immoderate, his care and generosity unlimited. +While I lay in this extremity, Mr. S--, penetrated by my melancholy +condition, which revived his tenderness, begged leave to be admitted +to my presence; and Lord B-- would have complied with his request, +had I not been judged too weak to bear the shock of such an interview. +My constitution, however, agreeably disappointed my fears; and +the fever had no sooner left me, than I was removed to a hunting +seat belonging to my lover, from whence, after I had recovered my +strength, we went to B-- castle, where we kept open house. And, +while we remained at this place, Lord B-- received a letter from +Lord --, dated in November, challenging him to single combat in +May, upon the frontiers of France and Flanders. This defiance was +sent in consequence of what had passed between them long before +my indisposition, at a meeting in a certain tavern, where they +quarrelled, and in the fray, my lover threw his antagonist under +the table. I counselled him to take no notice of this rhodomontade, +which I knew was void of all intention of performance; and he was +wise enough to follow my advice, resolved, however, should the +message be repeated, to take the challenger at his word. + +"Having resided some time at this place, we returned to the other +country house which he had left, where Lord B-- addicted himself so +much to hunting, and other male diversions, that I began to think +he neglected me, and apprised him of my suspicion, assuring him, at +the same time, that I would leave him as soon as my opinion should +be confirmed. This declaration had no effect upon his behaviour, +which became so remarkably cold, that even Mr. R--, who lived with +us, imagined that his affection was palpably diminished. When I went +to town, I was usually attended by his cousin, or this gentleman, +or both, but seldom favoured with his company; nay, when I repaired +to Bath, for the re-establishment of my health, he permitted me to +go alone; so that I was quite persuaded of his indifference; and +yet I was mistaken in my opinion. But I had been spoiled by the +behaviour of my first husband, and Mr. S--, who never quitted me +for the sake of any amusement, and often resisted the calls of the +most urgent business, rather than part from me, though but for a +few hours. I thought every man who loved me truly would act in the +same manner; and, whether I am right or wrong in my conjectures, +I leave wiser casuists to judge. Certain it is, such sacrifice and +devotion is the most pleasing proof of an admirer's passion; and, +Voyez-moi plus souvent, et ne me donnez rien, is one of my favourite +maxims. A man may give money, because he is profuse; he may be +violently fond, because he is of a sanguine constitution. But, if +he gives me his time, he gives me an unquestionable proof of my +being in full possession of his heart. + +"My appearance at Bath, without the company of Lord B--, occasioned +a general surprise, and encouraged the men to pester me with +addresses, every new admirer endeavouring to advance his suit by +demonstrating the unkind and disrespectful behaviour of his lordship. +Indeed, this was the most effectual string they could touch. My +pride and resentment were alarmed, I was weak enough to listen to +one man, who had like to have insinuated himself into my inclinations. +He was tall and large-boned, with white hair, inclining to what +is called sandy, and had the reputation of being handsome, though +I think he scarce deserved that epithet. He possessed a large fortune, +loved mischief, and stuck at nothing for the accomplishment of his +designs, one of his chief pleasures being that of setting any two +lovers at variance. He employed his address upon me with great +assiduity, and knew so well how to manage my resentment, that I +was pleased with his manner, heard his vows without disgust, and, +in a word, promised to deliberate with myself upon his proposals, +and give him an account of my determination in writing. + +"Thus resolved, I went to Lord B--, in Wiltshire, whither I +was followed by this pretender to my heart, who visited us on the +footing of an acquaintance; but when I reflected on what I had done, +I condemned my own conduct as indiscreet, though nothing decisive +had passed between us, and began to hate him in proportion to the +self-conviction I felt, perceiving that I had involved myself in +a difficulty from which I should not be easily disengaged. For the +present, however, I found means to postpone my declaration. He +admitted my excuse, and I returned to London with Lord B--, who +was again summoned to the field by his former challenger. + +"H--d--n, governor, counsellor, and steward to this little hero, +came to Lord B-- with a verbal message, importing that his lordship +had changed his mind about going to Flanders, but expected to +meet him, on such a day and hour, in the burying-ground near Red +Lion-square. Lord B-- accepted the challenge, and gave me an account +of what had passed; but he had been anticipated by the messenger, +who had already tried to alarm my fears from the consideration of +the consequence, that I might take some measures to prevent their +meeting. I perceived his drift, and told him plainly, that Lord +--had no intention to risk his person, though he endeavoured with +all his might to persuade me, that his principal was desperate and +determined. I knew my little husband too well to think he would +bring matters to any dangerous issue, and was apprehensive of +nothing but foul play, from the villainy of H--d--n, with which I +was equally well acquainted. Indeed, I signified my doubts on that +score to Mr. B--, who would have attended his kinsman to the field, +had he not thought he might be liable to censure, if anything should +happen to Lord B--, because he himself was heir at law: for that +reason he judiciously declined being personally concerned; and we +pitched upon the earl of A--, his lordship's uncle, who willingly +undertook the office. + +"At the appointed time they went to the house of rendezvous, where +they had not waited long when the challenger appeared, in a new +pink satin waistcoat, which he had put on for the occasion, with +his sword under his arm. and his steward by him, leaving, in a +hackney-coach at some distance, a surgeon whom he had provided for +the care of his person. Thus equipped he advanced to his antagonist, +and desired him to choose his ground; upon which Lord B-- told him, +that if he must fall, it was not material which grave he should +tumble over. + +"Our little hero, finding him so jocose and determined, turned to +Lord A--, and desired to speak with him, that he might disburden +his conscience before they should begin the work of death. They +accordingly went aside; and he gave him to understand, that his +motive for fighting, was Lord B--'s detaining his wife from him by +compulsion. The earl of A-- assured him, he was egregiously mistaken +in his conjecture; that his nephew used no force or undue influence +to keep me in his house; but it could not be expected that he would +turn me out of doors. + +"This explanation was altogether satisfactory to Lord --, who said +he was far from being so unreasonable as to expect Lord B-- would +commit such a breach of hospitality; and all he desired was, that +his wife should be left to her own inclinations. Upon these articles, +peace was concluded, and they parted without bloodshed. At least +these are the particulars of the story, as they were related by +Lord A--, with whom I laughed heartily at the adventure, for I never +doubted that the challenger would find some expedient to prevent +the duel, though I wondered how he mustered up resolution enough +to carry it so far. + +"That he might not, however, give us any more trouble, we resolved +to go and enjoy ourselves in France. whither I went by myself, in +hopes of being soon joined by my lover, who was obliged to stay +some time longer in England, to settle his affairs. He was so much +affected at our parting, though but for a few weeks, that he was +almost distracted. And this affliction renewed my tenderness for +him, because it was an undoubted proof of his love. I wrote to him +every post from France; and, as I had no secrets, desired him to +take care of all the letters that should come to his house, directed +to me, after my departure from England. + +"This was an unfortunate office for him, in the execution of which +he chanced to open a letter from Sir T-- A--, with whom, as I have +already observed, I had some correspondence at Bath. I had according +to my promise, given this gentleman a decisive answer, importing +that I was determined to remain in my present situation; but +as Lord B-- was ignorant of my sentiments in that particular, and +perceived from the letter that something extraordinary had passed +between us, and that I was earnestly solicited to leave him, he +was seized with the utmost consternation and concern; and, having +previously obtained the king's leave to go abroad, set out that +very night for France, leaving his affairs in the greatest confusion. + +"Sir T-- A-- hearing I was gone, without understanding the cause of +my departure, took the same route, and both arrived at Dover next +day. They heard of each other's motions. Each bribed the master of +a packet-boat to transport him with expedition; but that depending +upon the wind, both reached Calais at the same time, though in +different vessels. Sir T-- sent his valet-de-chambre post, with a +letter, entreating me to accompany him into Italy, where he would +make me mistress of his whole fortune, and to set out directly for +that country, that he might not lose me by the arrival of Lord B--, +promising to join me on the road, if I would consent to make him +happy. I sent his messenger back with an answer, wherein I expressed +surprise at his proposals, after having signified my resolution to +him before I left England. He was scarce dismissed, when I received +another letter from Lord B--, beseeching me to meet him at Clermont, +upon the road from Calais; and conjuring me to avoid the sight +of his rival, should he get the start of him in travelling. This, +however, was not likely to be the case, as Lord B-- rode post, and +the other was, by his corpulence, obliged to travel in a chaise; +yet, that I might not increase his anxiety, I left Paris immediately +on the receipt of his message, and met him at the appointed place, +where he received me with all the agitation of joy and fear, and +asked if I had ever encouraged Sir T-- A-- in his addresses. I very +candidly told him the whole transaction, at which he was incensed; +but his indignation was soon appeased, when I professed my penitence, +and assured him that I had totally rejected his rival. Not that +I approved of my behaviour to Sir T--, who, I own, was ill-used in +this affair; but surely it was more excusable to halt here, than +proceed farther in my indiscretion. + +"My lover being satisfied with my declaration, we went together +to Paris, being attended by the Scotchman, whom I have already +mentioned, though I believe he was not over and above well pleased to +see matters thus amicably compromised. The furious knight followed +us to the capital; insisted on seeing me in person; told this North +Briton, that I was actually engaged to him; wrote every hour, and +railed at my perfidious conduct. I took no notice of these delirious +transports, which were also disregarded by Lord B--, till, one +night, he was exasperated by the insinuations of Mr. C--, who, I +believe, inflamed his jealousy, by hinting a suspicion that I was +really in love with his rival. What passed betwixt them I know +not, but he sent for me from the opera, by a physician of Paris, +who was a sort of go-between among us all, and who told me, that, +if I did not come home in the instant, a duel would be fought on +my account. + +"I was very much shocked at this information; but, by being used +to alarms from the behaviour of Lord --, I had acquired a pretty +good share of resolution, and with great composure entered the room +where Lord B-- was, with his companion, whom I immediately ordered +to withdraw. I then gave his lordship to understand, that I was +informed of what had passed, and thought myself so much injured +by the person who had just quitted the apartment, that I would +no longer live under the same roof with him. Lord B-- raved like +a bedlamite, taxing me with want of candour and affection; but +I easily justified my own integrity, and gave him such assurances +of my love, that his jealousy subsided, and his spirits were +recomposed. Nevertheless, I insisted upon his dismissing Mr. C--, +on pain of my leaving the house, as I could not help thinking he +had used his endeavours to prejudice me in the opinion of my lord. +If his conduct was the result of friendship for his patron, he +certainly acted the part of an honest and trusty adherent. But I +could not easily forgive him, because, a few weeks before, he had, +by my interest, obtained a considerable addition to his allowance; +and even after the steps he had taken to disoblige me, I was not +so much his enemy but that I prevailed upon Lord B-- to double his +salary, that his leaving the family might be no detriment to his +fortune. His lordship having complied with my demand, this gentleman, +after having stayed three days in the house, to prepare for his +departure, during which I would not suffer him to be admitted into +my presence, made his retreat with a fine young girl, who was my +companion; and I have never seen him since that time. + +"Sir T-- still continued furious, and would not take a denial, +except from my own mouth, upon which, with the approbation of Lord +B--, I indulged him with an interview. He entered the apartment +with a stern countenance, and told me I had used him ill. I pleaded +guilty to the charge, and begged his pardon accordingly. I attempted +to reason the case with him, but he would hear no arguments except his +own, and even tried to intimidate me with threats; which provoked +me to such a degree, that I defied his vengeance. I told him, that +I feared nothing but the report of my own conscience; that, though +I had acted a simple part, he durst not say there was anything +criminal in my conduct, and that, from his present frantic and +unjust behaviour, I thought myself happy in having escaped him. He +swore I was the most inflexible of all creatures; asked if nothing +would move me; and when I answered, "Nothing," took his leave, and +never after persecuted me with his addresses; though I have heard +he was vain and false enough to boast of favours, which, upon my +honour, he never received, as he himself, at one time, owned to +Dr. Cantwell, at Paris. + +"While he underwent all this frenzy and distraction upon my account, +he was loved with the same violence of passion by a certain Scotch +lady of quality, who, when he followed me to France, pursued him +thither with the same eagerness and expedition. Far from being +jealous of me as a rival, she used to come to my house, implore my +good offices with the object of her love, and, laying herself on +the floor at full length before the fire, weep and cry like a person +bereft of her senses. She bitterly complained that he had never +obliged her but once; and begged, with the most earnest supplications, +that I would give her an opportunity of seeing him at my house. +But I thought proper to avoid her company, as soon as I perceived +her intention. + +"We continued at Paris for some time, during which I contracted +an acquaintance with the sister of Madame de la T--. She was the +supposed mistress of the prince of C--, endowed with a great share +of understanding, and loved pleasure to excess, though she maintained +her reputation on a respectable footing, by living with her husband +and mother. This lady, perceiving that I had inspired her lover +with a passion, which gave me uneasiness on her account, actually +practised all her eloquence and art in persuading me to listen to +his love; for it was a maxim with her to please him at any rate. +I was shocked at her indelicate complaisance, and rejected the +proposal as repugnant to my present engagement, which I held as +sacred as any nuptial tie, and much more binding than a forced or +unnatural marriage. + +"Upon our return to England, we lived in great harmony and peace, +and nothing was wanting to my happiness, but the one thing to me +the most needful; I mean the enchanting tenderness and delightful +enthusiasm of love. Lord B--'s heart, I believe, felt the +soft impressions; and, for my own part, I loved him with the most +faithful affection. It is not enough to say I wished him well; I +had the most delicate, the most genuine esteem for his virtue; I +had an intimate regard and anxiety for his interest; and felt for +him as if he had been my own son. But still there was a vacancy in +my heart; there was not that fervour, that transport, that ecstasy +of passion which I had formerly known; my bosom was not filled with +the little deity; I could not help recalling to my remembrance the +fond, the ravishing moments I had passed with S--. Had I understood +the conditions of life, those pleasures were happily exchanged +for my present situation, because, if I was now deprived of those +rapturous enjoyments, I was also exempted from the cares and anxiety +that attended them; but I was generally extravagant in my notions +of happiness, and therefore construed my present tranquility into +an insipid languor and stagnation of life. + +"While I remained in this inactivity of sentiment, Lord --, having +received a very considerable addition to his fortune, sent a message +to me, promising, that if I would leave Lord B--, he would make +me a present of a house and furniture, where I should live at my +case, without being exposed to his visits, except when I should be +disposed to receive them. This proposal he made in consequence of +what I had always declared, namely, that if he had not reduced me +to the necessity of putting myself under the protection of some +person or other, by depriving me of any other means of subsistence, +I should never have given the world the least cause to scandalize +my reputation; and that I would withdraw myself from my present +dependence, as soon as he should enable me to live by myself. I +was therefore resolved to be as good as my word, and accepted his +offer, on condition that I should be wholly at my own disposal, +and that he should never enter my door but as a visitant or common +friend. + +"These articles being ratified by his word and honour, the value +of which I did not then know, a house was furnished according to my +directions; and I signified my intention to Lord B--, who consented +to my removal, with this proviso, that I should continue to see +him. I wrote also to his relation, Mr. B--, who, in his answer, +observed, that it was too late to advise, when I was actually +determined. All my friends and acquaintance approved of the scheme, +though it was one of the most unjustifiable steps I had ever taken, +being a real act of ingratitude to my benefactor; which I soon +did, and always shall regret and condemn. So little is the world +qualified to judge of private affairs! + +"When the time of our parting drew near, Lord B-- became gloomy +and discontented, and even entreated me to postpone my resolution; +but I told him, that now everything was prepared for my reception, +I could not retract without incurring the imputation of folly and +extravagance. On the very day of my departure, Mr. B-- endeavoured, +with all the arguments he could suggest, to dissuade me from +my purpose; and I made use of the same answer which had satisfied +his friend. Finding me determined on removing, he burst out into +a flood of tears, exclaiming, "By God! if Lord B-- can bear it, I +can't." I was thunderstruck at this expression; for though I had +been told that Mr. B-- was in love with me, I gave no credit to +the report, because he had never declared his passion, and this +was the first hint of it that ever escaped him in my hearing. +I was therefore so much amazed at the circumstance of this abrupt +explanation, that I could make no answer; but having taken my leave, +went away, ruminating on the unexpected declaration. + +"Lord B--, as I was informed, spoke not a word that whole night, +and took my leaving him so much to heart, that two years elapsed +before he got the better of his grief. This intelligence I +afterwards received from his own mouth, and asked his forgiveness +for my unkind retreat, though I shall never be able to obtain +my own. As for Mr. B--, he was overwhelmed with sorrow, and made +such efforts to suppress his concern, as had well nigh cost him +his life. Dr. S-- was called to him in the middle of the night, +and found him almost suffocated. He soon guessed the cause, when +he understood that I had left the house. So that I myself was the +only person concerned, who was utterly ignorant of his affection; +for I solemnly declare he never gave me the least reason to suspect +it while I lived with his relation, because he had too much honour +to entertain a thought of supplanting his friend, and too good an +opinion of me to believe he should have succeeded in the attempt. +Though my love for Lord B-- was not so tender and interesting as +the passion I had felt for S--, my fidelity was inviolable, and I +never harboured the most distant thought of any other person, till +after I had resolved to leave him, when, I own, I afforded some +small encouragement to the addresses of a new admirer by telling +him, that I should, in a little time, be my own mistress, though +I was not now at my own disposal. + +"I enjoyed my new house as a little paradise. It was accommodated +with all sorts of conveniences; everything was new, and therefore +pleasing, and the whole absolutely at my command. I had the company +of a relation, a very good woman, with whom I lived in the most +amicable manner; was visited by the best people in town--I mean +those of the male sex, the ladies having long ago forsaken me; I +frequented all reputable places of public entertainment, and had a +concert at home once a week; so that my days rolled on in happiness +and quiet, till all my sweets were embittered by the vexatious +behaviour of my husband, who began to importune me again to live +with him; and by the increasing anxiety of Lord B--, who, though +I still admitted his visits, plainly perceived that I wanted to +relinquish his correspondence. This discovery raised such tempests +of jealousy and despair within his breast, that he kept me in continual +alarm. He sent messages to me every hour, signed his letters with +his own blood, raved like a man in ecstasy of madness, railed +at my ingratitude, and praised my conduct by turns. He offered to +sacrifice everything for my love, to leave the kingdom forthwith, +and live with me for ever in any part of the world where I should +choose to reside. + +"These were generous and tempting proposals; but I was beset with +counsellors who were not totally disinterested, and who dissuaded +me from embracing the proffers of my lover, on pretence that Lord -- +would be highly injured by my compliance. I listened to their advice, +and hardened my heart against Lord B--'s sorrow and solicitations. +My behaviour on this occasion is altogether unaccountable; this was +the only time that ever I was a slave to admonition. The condition +of Lord B-- would have melted any heart but mine, and yet mine was +one of the most sensible. He employed his cousin as an advocate +with me, till that gentleman actually refused the office, telling +him candidly, that his own inclinations were too much engaged to +permit him to perform the task with fidelity and truth. He accordingly +resolved to avoid my presence, until my lord and I should come +to some final determination, which was greatly retarded by the +perseverance of his lordship, who would not resign his hopes, even +when I pretended that another man had engaged my heart, but said, +that in time my affection might return. + +"Our correspondence, however, gradually wore off; upon which Mr. B-- +renewed his visits, and many agreeable and happy hours we passed +together. Not that he, or any other person whom I now saw, succeeded +to the privilege of a fortunate lover; I knew he loved me to madness; +but I would not gratify his passion any other way than by the most +profound esteem and veneration for his virtues, which were altogether +amiable and sublime; and I would here draw his character minutely, +but it would take up too much time to set forth his merit; the only, +man living of my acquaintance who resembles him, is Lord F--, of +whom I shall speak in the sequel. + +"About this time I underwent a very interesting change in the +situation of my heart. I had sent a message to my old lover S--, +desiring he would allow my picture, which was in his possession, +to be copied; and he now transmitted it to me by my lawyer, whom he +directed to ask, if I intended to be at the next masquerade. This +curiosity had a strange effect upon my spirits; my heart fluttered +at the question, and my imagination glowed with a thousand fond +presages. I answered in the affirmative; and we met by accident at +the ball. I could nut behold him without emotion: when he accosted +me, his well-known voice made my heart vibrate, like a musical +chord, when its unison is struck. All the ideas of our past love, +which the lapse of time and absence had enfeebled and lulled to +sleep, now awoke, and were reinspired by his appearance; so that +his artful excuses were easily admitted: I forgave him all that I +had suffered on his account, because he was the natural lord of my +affection; and our former correspondence was renewed. + +"I thought myself in a new world of bliss in consequence of this +reconciliation, the rapture of which continued unimpaired for +the space of four months, during which time he was fonder of me, +if possible, than before; repeated his promise of marriage, if +we should ever have it in our power; assured me he had never been +happy since he left me: that he believed no woman loved like me. +And indeed, to have a notion of my passion for that man, you must +first have loved as I did. But, through a strange caprice, I broke +off the correspondence, out of apprehension that he would forsake +me again. From his past conduct I dreaded what might happen; and +the remembrance of what I had undergone by his inconstancy, filled +my imagination with such horror, that I could not endure the shocking +prospect, and prematurely plunged myself into the danger, rather +than endure the terrors of expectation. I remembered that his +former attachment began in the season of my prosperity, when my +fortune was in the zenith, and my youth in its prime; and that he +had forsaken me in the day of trouble when my life became embarrassed, +and my circumstances were on the decline. I foresaw nothing but +continual persecution from my husband, and feared, that, once the +keener transports of our reconciliation should be over, his affection +would sink under the severity of its trial. In consequence of this +desertion, I received a letter from him, acknowledging that he was +rightly served, but that my retreat gave him inexpressible concern. + +"Meanwhile Lord -- continued to act in the character of a fiend, +tormenting me with his nauseous importunities. He prevailed upon +the duke of L-- to employ his influence in persuading me to live +with him; assuring his grace, that I had actually promised to give +him that proof of my obedience, and that I would come home the +sooner for being pressed to compliance by a person of his rank and +character. Induced by these representations, the duke honoured me +with a visit; and, in the course of his exhortations, I understood +how he had been thus misinformed. Upon which I sent for Lord --, and, +in his presence, convicted him of the falsehood, by communicating +to his grace the articles of our last agreement, which he did not +think proper to deny; and the duke, being undeceived, declared, +that he would not have given me the trouble of vindicating myself, +had he not been misled by the insincerity of my lord. + +"Baffled in this attempt, he engaged Mr. H-- V--, and afterwards +my own father, in the same task; and though I still adhered to my +first resolution, persisted with such obstinacy in his endeavours +to make me unhappy, that I determined to leave the kingdom. +Accordingly, after I had spent the evening with him at Ranelagh, I +went away about two o'clock in the morning, leaving my companion, +with directions to restore to my lord his house, furniture, plate, +and everything he had given me since our last accommodation; so far +was I, upon this occasion, or at any other time of my life, from +embezzling any part of his fortune. My friend followed my instructions +most punctually: and his lordship knows and will acknowledge the +truth of this assertion. + +"Thus have I explained the true cause of my first expedition to +Flanders, whither the world was good-natured enough to say, I followed +Mr. B-- and the whole army, which happened to be sent abroad that +summer. Before my departure, I likewise transmitted to Lord B-- +the dressing plate, china, and a very considerable settlement, of +which he had been generous enough to make me a present. This was +an instance of my integrity, which I thought due to a man who had +laid me under great obligations; and though I lived to be refused +a small sum both by him and S--, I do not repent of my disinterested +behaviour; all the revenge I harbour against the last of these +lovers, is the desire of having it in my power to do him good. + +"I now found myself adrift in the world again, and very richly +deserved the hardships of my condition, for my indiscretion in +leaving Lord B--, and in trusting to the word of Lord -- without +some further security; but I have dearly paid for my imprudence. +The more I saw into the character of this man, whom destiny hath +appointed my scourge, the more was I determined to avoid his fellowship +and communication; for he and I are, in point of disposition, as +opposite as any two principles in nature. In the first place, he +is one of the most unsocial beings that ever existed; when I was +pleased and happy, he was always out of temper; but if he could find +means to overcast and cloud my mirth, though never so innocent, he +then discovered signs of uncommon satisfaction and content, because, +by this disagreeable temper, he banished all company from his house. +He is extremely weak of understanding, though he possesses a good +share of low cunning, which has so egregiously imposed upon some +people, that they have actually believed him a good-natured easy +creature, and blamed me because I did not manage him to better +purpose; but, upon further acquaintance, they have always found +him obstinate as a mule, and capricious as a monkey. Not that he is +utterly void of all commendable qualities. He is punctual in paying +his debts, liberal when in good humour, and would be well-bred, were +he not subject to fits of absence, during which he is altogether +unconversable; but he is proud, naturally suspicious, jealous, +equally with and without cause, never made a friend, and is an +utter stranger to the joys of intimacy; in short, he hangs like a +damp upon society, and may be properly called Kill-joy, an epithet +which he has justly acquired. He honoured me with constant professions +of love; but his conduct is so opposite to my sentiments of that +passion, as to have been the prime source of all my misfortunes +and affliction; and I have often wished myself the object of his +hate, in hopes of profiting by a change in his behaviour. + +"Indeed, he has not been able to make me more unhappy than I +believe he is in his own mind; for he is literally a self-tormentor, +who never enjoyed one gleam of satisfaction except at the expense +of another's quiet; and yet with this, I had almost called it +diabolical quality, he expects that I should cherish him with all +the tenderness of affection. After he has been at pains to incur my +aversion, he punishes my disgust, by contriving schemes to mortify +and perplex me, which have often succeeded so effectually, as to +endanger my life and constitution; for I have been fretted and frighted +into sundry fits of illness, and then I own I have experienced his +care and concern. + +"Over and above the oddities I have mentioned, he is so unsteady +in his economy, that he is always new-modelling his affairs, and +exhausting his fortune, by laying out ten pounds, in order to save +a shilling. He inquires into the character of a servant, after he +has lived two years in his family, and is so ridiculously stocked +with vanity and self-conceit, that, notwithstanding my assurance +before, and the whole series of my conduct since our marriage, which +ought to have convinced him of my dislike, he is still persuaded, +that, at bottom, I must admire and be enamoured of his agreeable +person and accomplishments, and that I would not fail to manifest +my love, were I not spirited against him by his own relations. +Perhaps it might be their interest to foment the misunderstanding +betwixt us; but really they give themselves no trouble about our +affairs; and, so far as I know them, are a very good sort of people. +On the whole, I think I may with justice pronounce my precious +yoke-fellow a trifling, teasing, insufferable, inconsistent creature. + +"With the little money which remained of what I had received from +his lordship for house-keeping, I transported myself to Flanders, +and arrived in Ghent a few days after our troops were quartered +in that city, which was so much crowded with these new visitants, +that I should have found it impracticable to procure a lodging, +had I not been accommodated by Lord B--, the duke of A--'s youngest +brother, who very politely gave me up his own. Here I saw my friend +Mr. B--, who was overjoyed at my arrival, though jealous of every +man of his acquaintance; for he loved me with all the ardour of +passion, and I regarded him with all the perfection of friendship, +which, had he lived, in time might have produced love; though +that was a fruit which it never brought forth. Notwithstanding his +earnest solicitations to the contrary, I stayed but a week in Ghent, +from whence I proceeded to Brussels, and fixed my abode in the +Hotel de Flandre, among an agreeable set of gentlemen and ladies, +with whom I spent my time very cheerfully. There was a sort of court +in this city, frequented by all the officers who could obtain +permission to go thither; and the place in general was gay and +agreeable. I was introduced to the best families, and very happy +in my acquaintance; for the ladies were polite, good-tempered, and +obliging, and treated me with the utmost hospitality and respect. +Among others, I contracted a friendship with Madame la comtesse +de C-- and her two daughters, who were very amiable young ladies; +and became intimate with the Princess C-- and Countess W--, lady +of the bedchamber to the queen of Hungary, and a great favourite +of the governor, Monsieur d'H--, in whose house she lived with his +wife, who was also a lady of a very engaging disposition. + +"Soon after I had fixed my habitation in Brussels, the company at +our hotel was increased by three officers, who professed themselves +my admirers, and came from Ghent, with a view of soliciting my +love. This triumvirate consisted of the Scotch earl of --, Lord +R-M--, and another young officer. The first was a man of a very +genteel figure and amorous complexion, danced well, and had a great +deal of good-humour, with a mixture of vanity and self-conceit. The +second had a good face, though a clumsy person, and a very sweet +disposition, very much adapted for the sentimental passion of love. +And the third, Mr. W-- by name, was tall, thin, and well-bred, +with a great stock of good-nature and vivacity. These adventurers +began their addresses in general acts of gallantry, that comprehended +several of my female friends, with whom we used to engage in +parties of pleasure, both in the city and the environs, which are +extremely agreeable. When they thought they had taken the preliminary +steps of securing themselves in my good opinion and esteem, they +agreed to go on without further delay, and that Lord -- should make +the first attack upon my heart + +"He accordingly laid siege to me, with such warmth and assiduity, +that I believe he deceived himself, and began to think he was actually +in love; though, at bottom, he felt no impulse that deserved the +sacred name. Though I discouraged him in the beginning, he persecuted +me with his addresses; he always sat by me at dinner, and imparted a +thousand trifles in continual whispers, which attracted the notice +of the company so much, that I began to fear his behaviour would +give rise to some report to my prejudice, and therefore avoided +him with the utmost caution. Notwithstanding all my care, however, +he found means one night, while my maid, who lay in my room, went +downstairs, to get into my chamber after I was abed. Upon which, I +started up, and told him, that, if he should approach me, I would +alarm the house; for I never wanted courage and resolution. Perceiving +my displeasure, he kneeled by the bedside, begged I would have +pity on his sufferings, and swore I should have carte blanche to +the utmost extent of his fortune. To these proposals I made no other +reply, but that of protesting I would never speak to him again, +if he did not quit my apartment that moment; upon which he thought +proper to withdraw; and I never afterwards gave him an opportunity +of speaking to me on the same subject. So that, in a few weeks, he +separated himself from our society; though the ladies of Brussels +considered him as my lover, because, of all the other officers, he +was their greatest favourite. + +"His lordship being thus repulsed, Mr. W-- took the field, +and assailed my heart in a very different manner. He said he knew +not how to make love, but was a man of honour, and would keep the +secret, and so forth. To this cavalier address I answered, that +I was not angry as I otherwise should have been, at his blunt +declaration, because I found by his own confession, he did not know +what was due to the sex; and my unhappy situation in some shape +excused him for a liberty which he would not have dreamed of taking, +had not my misfortunes encouraged his presumption. But I would deal +with him in his own way; and, far from assuming the prude, frankly +assured him, that he was not at all to my taste, hoping he would +consider my dislike as a sufficient reason to reject his love. + +"Lord R-- began to feel the symptoms of a genuine passion, which +he carefully cherished in silence, being naturally diffident +and bashful; but, by the very means he used to conceal it from +my observation, I plainly discerned the situation of his heart, +and was not at all displeased at the progress I had made in his +inclinations. Meanwhile he cultivated my acquaintance with great +assiduity and respect, attended me in all my excursions, and +particularly in an expedition to Antwerp, with two other gentlemen, +where, in downright gaiete de coeur, we sat for our pictures, which +were drawn in one piece, one of the party being represented in the +dress of a hussar, and another in that of a running footman. This +incident I mention, because the performance, which is now in my +possession, gave birth to a thousand groundless reports circulated +in England at our expense. + +"It was immediately after this jaunt that Lord R-- began to disclose +his passion; though he, at the same time, started such objections as +seemed to extinguish his hopes, lamenting that, even if he should +have the happiness to engage my affections, his fortune was +too inconsiderable to support us against the efforts of Lord --, +should he attempt to interrupt our felicity, and that he himself +was obliged to follow the motions of the army. In short, he seemed +to consider my felicity more than his own, and behaved with such +delicacy, as gradually made an impression on my heart. so that, +when we parted, we agreed to renew our correspondence in England. + +"In the midst of these agreeable amusements, which I enjoyed in almost +all the different towns of Flanders, I happened to be at Ghent one +day, sitting among a good deal of company, in one of their hotels, +when a post-chaise stopped at the gate; upon which we went to the +windows to satisfy our curiosity, when who should step out of the +convenience, but my little insignificant lord! I no sooner announced +him to the company, than all the gentlemen asked whether they +should stay and protect me, or withdraw; and when I assured them +that their protection was not necessary, one and all of them retired; +though Lord R-- M-- went no farther than the parlour below, being +determined to screen me against all violence and compulsion. I sent +a message to my lord, desiring him to walk up into my apartment; but +although his sole errand was to see and carry me off, he would not +venture to accept of my invitation, till he had demanded me in form +from the governor of the place. That gentleman, being altogether a +stranger to his person and character, referred him to the commanding +officer of the English troops, who was a man of honour, and, +upon his lordship's application, pretended to doubt his identity; +observing, that he had always heard Lord -- represented as a jolly, +corpulent man. He gave him to understand, however, that even granting +him to be the person, I was by no means subject to military law, +unless he could prove that I had ever listed in his Majesty's +service. + +"Thus disappointed in his endeavours, he returned to the inn, and, +with much persuasion, trusted himself in my dining-room, after +having stationed his attendants at the door, in case of accidents. +When I asked what had procured me the honour of this visit, he +told me, his business and intention were to carry me home. This +declaration produced a conference, in which I argued the case with +him; and matters were accommodated for the present, by my promising +to be in England some time in September, on condition that he would +permit me to live by myself, as before, and immediately order the +arrears of my pin-money to be paid. He assented to everything I +proposed, returned in peace to his own country, and the deficiencies +of my allowance were made good; while I returned to Brussels, where +I stayed until my departure for England, which I regulated in such +a manner as was consistent with my engagement. + +"I took lodgings in Pall-mall, and, sending for my lord, convinced +him of my punctuality, and put him in mind of his promise, when, +to my utter astonishment and confusion, he owned, that his promise +was no more than a decoy to bring me over, and that I must lay my +account with living in his house like a dutiful and obedient wife. +I heard him with the indignation such treatment deserved, upbraiding +him with his perfidious dealing, which I told him would have +determined me against cohabitation with him had I not been already +resolved; and, being destitute of all resource, repaired to Bath, +where I afterwards met with Mr. D-- and Mr. R--, two gentlemen +who had been my fellow-passengers in the yacht from Flanders, and +treated me with great friendship and politeness, without either +talking or thinking of love. + +"With these gentlemen, who were as idle as myself, I went to the +jubilee at Preston, which was no other than a great number of people +assembled in a small town, extremely ill-accommodated, to partake +of diversions that were bad imitations of plays, concerts, +and masquerades. If the world should place to the account of my +indiscretion my travelling in this manner with gentlemen to whom +I had no particular attachment, let it also be considered, as an +alleviation, that I always lived in terror of my lord, and consequently +was often obliged to shift my quarters; so that, my finances being +extremely slender, I stood the more in need of assistance and +protection. I was, besides, young, inconsiderate, and so simple, as +to suppose the figure of an ugly man would always secure me from +censure on his account; neither did I ever dream of any man's +addresses, until he made an actual declaration of his love. + +"Upon my return to Bath, I was again harassed by Lord --, who came +thither accompanied by my father, whom I was very glad to see, +though he importuned me to comply with my husband's desire, and +for the future keep measures with the world. This remonstrance +about living with my lord, which he constantly repeated, was the +only instance of his unkindness which I ever felt. But all his +admonitions were not of force sufficient to shake my resolution in +that particular; though the debate continued so late, that I told +his lordship, it was high time to retire, for I could not accommodate +him with a bed. He then gave me to understand, that he would stay +where he was; upon which my father took his leave, on pretence of +looking out for a lodging for himself. The little gentleman being +now left with me, began to discover some signs of apprehension in +his looks; but, mustering up all his resolution, he went to the +door, called up three of his servants, whom he placed as sentinels +upon the stairs, and flounced into my elbow-chair, where he +resigned himself to rest. Intending to go to bed, I thought it was +but just and decent that I should screen myself from the intrusion +of his footmen, and with that view bolted the door. Lord --, hearing +himself locked in, started up in the utmost terror and consternation, +kicked the door with his heel, and screamed aloud, as if he had +been in the hands of an assassin. My father, who had not yet quitted +the house, hearing these outcries, ran upstairs again, and, coming +through my bedchamber into the dining-room where we were, found me +almost suffocated with laughter, and his heroic son-in-law staring +like one who had lost his wits, with his hair standing on end. + +"When my father asked the meaning of his exclamations, he told him, +with all the symptoms of dismay, that I had locked him in, and he +did not understand such usage. But I explained the whole mystery, +by saying, I had bolted the door because I did not like the company +of his servants, and could not imagine the cause of his panic, +unless he thought I designed to ravish him; an insult than which +nothing was farther from my intention. My father himself could +scarce refrain from laughing at his ridiculous fear; but, seeing +him in great confusion, took pity on his condition, and carried him +off to his own lodgings, after I had given my word that I would not +attempt to escape, but give him audience next morning. I accordingly +kept my promise, and found means to persuade them to leave me at +my own discretion. Next day I was rallied upon the stratagem I had +contrived to frighten Lord --; and a thousand idle stories were told +about this adventure, which happened literally as I have related +it. + +"From Bath I betook myself to a small house near Lincoln, which +I had hired of the d-- of A--, because a country life suited best +with my income, which was no more than four hundred pounds a year, +and that not well paid. I continued some months in this retirement, +and saw no company, except Lord R-- M--, who lived in the neighbourhood, +and visited me twice; till, finding myself indisposed, I was +obliged to remove to London, and took lodgings in Maddox-street, +where my garrison was taken by storm by my Lord -- and his steward, +reinforced by Mr. L-- V-- (who, as my lord told me, had a subsidy +of five-and-twenty pounds before he would take the field) and a couple +of hardy footmen. This formidable band rushed into my apartment, +laid violent hands upon me, dragged me down-stairs without gloves +or a cloak, and, thrusting me into a coach that stood at the door, +conveyed me to my lord's lodgings in Gloucester-street. Upon this +occasion, his lordship courageously drew his sword upon my woman, +who attempted to defend me from his insults, and, in all probability, +would have intimidated him from proceeding; for he looked pale +and aghast, his knees knocked together, and he breathed thick and +hard, with his nostrils dilated, as if he had seen a ghost; but he +was encouraged by his mercenary associate, who, for the five-and-twenty +pounds, stood by him in the day of trouble, and spirited him on to +this gallant enterprise. + +"In consequence of this exploit, I was cooped up in a paltry apartment +in Gloucester-street, where I was close beset by his lordship and +his worthy steward Mr. H--, with a set of servants that were the +creatures of this fellow, of whom my lord himself stood in awe, +so that I could not help thinking myself in Newgate, among thieves +and ruffians. To such a degree did my terror avail, that I actually +believed I was in danger of being poisoned, and would not receive +any sustenance, except from the hands of one harmless-looking +fellow, a foreigner, who, was my lord's valet-de-chambre. I will +not pretend to say my fears were just; but such was my opinion of +H--, that I never doubted he would put me out of the way, if he +thought my life interfered with his interest. On the second day of +my imprisonment, I was visited by the duke of L--, a friend of my +lord, who found me sitting upon a trunk, in a poor little diningroom +filled with lumber, and lighted with two bits of tallow candle, +which had been left overnight. He perceived in my face a mixture +of rage, indignation, terror, and despair. He compassionated my +sufferings, though he could not alleviate my distress any other +way than by interceding with my tyrant to mitigate my oppression. +Nevertheless, I remained eleven days in this uncomfortable situation: +I was watched like a criminal all day, and one of the servants +walked from one room to another all night, in the nature of a patrol; +while my lord, who lay in the chamber above me, got out of bed and +tripped to the window at the sound of every coach that chanced to +pass through the street. H--, who was consummate in the arts of a +sycophant, began to court my favour, by condoling my affliction, +and assuring me, that the only method by which I could regain my +liberty was a cheerful compliance with the humour of my lord. I +was fully convinced of the truth of this observation; and, though +my temper is altogether averse to dissimulation, attempted to affect +an air of serenity and resignation. But this disguise, I found, +would not answer my purpose; and therefore I had recourse to +the assistance of my maid, who was permitted to attend me in my +confinement. With her I frequently consulted about the means of +accomplishing my escape. In consequence of our deliberations, she +directed a coach and six to be ready at a certain part of the town, +and to wait for me three days in the same place, in case I could +not come before the expiration of that term. + +"This previous measure being taken according to my instructions, +the next necessary step was to elude the vigilance of my guard: +and in this manner did I effectuate my purpose. Being by this time +indulged in the liberty of going out in the coach for the benefit +of the air, attended by two footmen, who had orders to watch all +my motions, I made use of this privilege one forenoon, when Lord -- +expected some company to dinner, and bade the coachman drive to +the lodgings of a man who wrote with his mouth, intending to give +my spies the slip, on pretence of seeing this curiosity; but they +were too alert in their duty to be thus outwitted, and followed me +up-stairs into the very apartment. + +"Disappointed in this hope, I resolved another scheme, which was +attended with success. I bought some olives at an oil-shop; and, +telling the servants I would proceed to St. James's-gate, and take +a turn in the park, broke one of the bottles by the way, complained +of the misfortune when I was set down, and desired my coach might +be cleaned before my return. While my attendants were employed in +this office, I tripped across the Parade to the Horse Guards, and +chanced to meet with an acquaintance in the park, who said, he +saw by my countenance that I was upon some expedition. I owned his +suspicion was just, but, as I had not time to relate particulars, +I quickened my pace, and took possession of a hackney-coach, in +which I proceeded to the vehicle I had appointed to be in waiting. + +"While I thus compassed my escape, there was nothing but perplexity +and confusion at home; dinner was delayed till six o'clock; my +lord ran half the town over in quest of his equipage, which at last +returned, with an account of my elopement. My maid was brought to +the question, and grievously threatened; but, like all the women +I ever had, remained unshaken in her fidelity. In the meantime, +I travelled night and day towards my retreat in Lincolnshire, of +which his lordship had not, as yet, got the least intelligence; +and as my coachman was but an inexperienced driver, I was obliged +to make use of my own skill in that exercise, and direct his +endeavours the whole way, without venturing to go to bed, or take +the least repose, until I reached my own habitation. There I lived +in peace and tranquility for the space of six weeks, when I was +alarmed by one of my lord's myrmidons, who came into the neighbourhood, +blustering and swearing that he would carry me off either dead or +alive. + +"It is not to be supposed that I was perfectly easy when I was made +acquainted with his purpose and declaration, as my whole family +consisted of no more than a couple of women and one footman. +However, I summoned up my courage, which had been often tried, and +never forsook me in the day of danger; and sent him word, that, +if ever he should presume to approach my house, I would order him +to be shot without ceremony. The fellow did not choose to put me +to the trial, and returned to town without his errand: but as the +place of my abode was now discovered, I laid my account with having a +visit from his employer; I therefore planted spies upon the road, +with a promise of reward to him who should bring me the first +intelligence of his lordship's approach. + +"Accordingly, I was one morning apprised of his coming, and, mounting +horse immediately, with my woman and valet, away we rode, in defiance +of winter. In two days I traversed the wilds of Lincolnshire and +hundreds of Essex, crossed the river at Tilbury, breakfasted at +Chatham, by the help of a guide and moonlight arrived at Dover the +same evening, embarked for Calais, in which place I found myself +next day at two o'clock in the afternoon; and being heartily tired +with my journey, betook myself to rest. My maid, who was not able +to travel with such expedition, followed me at an easier pace; and +the footman was so astonished at my perseverance, that he could +not help asking me upon the road, if ever I was weary in my life. +Certain it is, my spirits and resolution have enabled me to undergo +fatigues that are almost incredible. From Calais I went to Brussels, +where I again set up my rest in private lodgings; was again perfectly +well received by the fashionable people of that place; and, by the +interest of my friends, obtained the queen of Hungary's protection +against the persecution of my husband, while I should reside in the +Austrian Netherlands. Thus secured, I lived uncensured, conversing +with the English company, with which this city was crowded; but spent +the most agreeable part of my time with the countess of Calemberg, +in whose house I generally dined and supped. And I also contracted +an intimacy with the princess of Chemay, who was a great favourite +with Madame d'Harrach, the governor's lady. + +"I had not been long in this happy situation, when I was disturbed +by the arrival of Lord --, who demanded me of the governor; but +finding me sheltered from his power, he set out for Vienna; and, in +consequence of his representations, strengthened with the duke of +N--'s name, my protection was withdrawn. But, before this application, +he had gone to the camp, and addressed himself to my Lord Stair, +who was my particular friend and ally by my first marriage, desiring +he would compel me to return to his house. His lordship told him, +that I was in no shape subject to his command; but invited him to +dinner, with a view of diverting himself and company at the expense +of his guest. In the evening, he was plied with so many bumpers to +my health, that he became intoxicated, and extremely obstreperous, +insisted upon seeing Lord Stair after he was retired to rest, +and quarrelled with Lord D--, who being a tall, large, raw-boned +Scotchman, could have swallowed him at one mouthful; but he thought +he might venture to challenge him, in hopes of being put under +arrest by the general. Though he reckoned without his host; Lord +Stair knew his disposition, and, in order to punish his presumption, +winked at the affair. The challenger, finding himself mistaken in +his conjecture, got up early in the morning, and went off post for +Vienna. And Lord Stair desired a certain man of quality to make me +a visit, and give me an account of his behaviour. + +"Being now deprived of my protection and pin-money, which my generous +husband would no longer pay, I was reduced to great difficulty and +distress. The duchess d'Aremberg, Lord G--, and many other persons +of distinction, interceded in my behalf with his Majesty, who was +then abroad; but he refused to interpose between man and wife. The +countess of Calemberg wrote a letter to my father, in which she +represented my uncomfortable situation, and undertook to answer +for my conduct, in case he would allow me a small annuity, on which +I could live independent of Lord --, who, by all accounts, was a +wretch with whom I could never enjoy the least happiness or quiet, +otherwise she would be the first to advise me to an accommodation. She +gave him to understand, that her character was neither doubtful nor +obscure; and that, if my conduct there had not been irreproachable, +she should not have taken me under her protection. That, as I proposed +to board in a convent, a small sum would answer my occasions; but, +if that should be denied, I would actually go to service, or take +some other desperate step, to avoid the man who was my bane and +aversion. + +"To this kind remonstrance my father answered that his fortune would +not allow him to assist me; he had now a young family; and that I +ought, at all events, to return to my husband. By this time, such +was the extremity of my circumstances, that I was forced to pawn +my clothes, and every trifling trinket in my possession, and even +to descend so far as to solicit Mr. S-- for a loan of fifty pounds, +which he refused. Thus was I deserted in my distress by two persons, +to whom, in the season of my affluence, my purse had been always +open. Nothing so effectually subdues a spirit unused to supplicate, +as want. Repulsed in this manner, I had recourse to Lord B--, +who was also, it seems, unable to relieve my necessities. This +mortification I deserved at his hands, though he had once put it +in my power to be above all such paltry applications; and I should +not have been compelled to the disagreeable task of troubling +my friends, had not I voluntarily resigned what he formerly gave +me. As to the other gentleman to whom I addressed myself on this +occasion, I think he might have shown more regard to my situation, +not only for the reasons already mentioned, but because he knew me +too well to be ignorant of what I must have suffered in condescending +to make such a request. + +"Several officers, who guessed my adversity, generously offered to +supply me with money; but I could not bring myself to make use of +their friendship, or even to own my distress, except to one person, +of whom I borrowed a small sum. To crown my misfortunes, I was +taken very ill, at a time when there was no other way of avoiding +the clutches of my persecutor but by a precipitate flight. In this +emergency, I applied to a worthy gentleman of Brussels, a very +good friend of mine, but no lover. I say no lover, because every +man is supposed to act in that capacity who befriends a young woman +in distress. This generous Fleming set out with me in the night +from Brussels, and conducted me to the frontier of France. Being +very much indisposed both in mind and body when I was obliged to +undertake this expedition, I should in all probability have sunk +under the fatigue of travelling, had not my spirits been kept up +by the conversation of my companion, who was a man of business and +consequence, and undertook to manage my affairs in such a manner +as would enable me to re-establish my residence in the place I had +left. He was young and active, attended me with the utmost care and +assiduity, and left nothing undone which he thought would contribute +to my ease and satisfaction. I believe his friendship for me was +a little tinctured with another passion; but he was married, and +lived very well with his wife, who was also my friend; so that he +knew I would never think of him in the light of a lover. + +"Upon our arrival at Valenciennes, he accommodated me with a +little money, for a little was all I would take, and returned to +his own city, after we had settled a correspondence by letters. I +was detained a day or two in this place by my indisposition, which +increased; but, nevertheless, proceeded to Paris, to make interest +for a protection from the king of France, which that monarch +graciously accorded me, in three days after my first application, +and his minister sent orders to all the governors and intendants +of the province towns, to protect me against the efforts of Lord +--, in whatever place I should choose to reside. + +"Having returned my thanks at Versailles for this favour, and tarried +a few days at Paris, which was a place altogether unsuitable to +the low ebb of my fortune, I repaired to Lisle, where I intended +to fix my habitation; and there my disorder recurred with such +violence, that I was obliged to send for a physician, who seemed to +have been a disciple of Sangrado; for he scarce left a drop of blood +in my body, and yet I found myself never a whit the better. Indeed, +I was so much exhausted by these evacuations, and my constitution +so much impaired by fatigue and perturbation of mind, that I had no +other hope of recovering but that of reaching England, and putting +myself under the direction of a physician on whose ability I could +depend. + +"With this doubtful prospect, therefore, I determined to attempt a +return to my native air, and actually departed from Lisle, in such +a melancholy, enfeebled condition, that I had almost fainted when +I was put into the coach. But before I resolved upon this journey, +I was reduced to the utmost exigence of fortune, so that I could +scarce afford to buy provisions, had it been in my power to eat, +and should not have been able to defray my travelling expenses, had +I not been generously befriended by Lord R-- H--, who, I am sure, +would have done anything for my case and accommodation, though he +has unjustly incurred the imputation of being parsimonious, and I +had no reason to expect any such favour at his hands. + +"In this deplorable state of health I was conveyed to Calais, being +all the way, as it were, in the arms of death, without having swallowed +the least sustenance on the road. So much was my indisposition +augmented by the fatigue of the journey, that I swooned when I was +brought into the inn, and had almost expired before I could receive +the least assistance or advice. However, my spirits were a little +revived by some bread and wine, which I took at the persuasion of +a French surgeon, who, chancing to pass by the door, was called +up to my relief. Having sent my servant to Brussels, to take care +of my clothes, I embarked in the packet-boat, and by the time we +arrived at Dover was almost in extremity. + +"Here I found a return coach, in which I was carried to London, +and was put to bed at the house we put up at, more dead than alive. +The people of the inn sent for an apothecary, who administered +some cordial that recalled me to life; and, when I recovered the +use of speech, I told him who I was, and desired him to wait upon +Dr. S--, and inform him of my situation. A young girl, who was +niece to the landlord's wife, seeing me unattended, made a tender +of her service to me, and I accepted the offer, as well as of a +lodging in the apothecary's house, to which I was conveyed as soon +as my strength would admit of my removal. There I was visited by my +physician, who was shocked to find me in such a dangerous condition. +However, having considered my case, he perceived that my indisposition +proceeded from the calamities I had undergone, and encouraged me +with the hope of a speedy cure, provided I could be kept easy and +undisturbed. I was accordingly attended with all imaginable care; +my lord's name being never mentioned in my hearing, because I +considered him as the fatal source of all my misfortunes; and in +a month I recovered my health, by the great skill and tenderness +of my doctor, who now finding me strong enough to encounter fresh +troubles, endeavoured to persuade me, that it would be my wisest +step to return to my husband, whom at that time he had often occasion +to see. But I rejected his proposal, commencing a new lawsuit for +separation, and took a small house in St. James's-square. + +"About this time my woman returned from Brussels, but without my +clothes, which were detained on account of the money I owed in that +place; and, asking her dismission from my service, set up shop for +herself. I had not lived many weeks in my new habitation, when my +persecutor renewed his attempts to make himself master of my person; +but I had learned from experience to redouble my vigilance, and +he was frustrated in all his endeavours. I was again happy in the +conversation of my former acquaintance, and visited by a great number +of gentlemen, mostly persons of probity and sense, who cultivated +my friendship, without any other motive of attachment. Not that I +was unsolicited on the article of love. That was a theme on which +I never wanted orators; and could I have prevailed upon myself +to profit by the advances that were made, I might have managed my +opportunities so as to have set fortune at defiance for the future. +But I was none of these economists who can sacrifice their hearts +to interested considerations. + +"One evening, while I was conversing with three or four of my friends, +my lawyer came in, and told me he had something of consequence to +impart; upon which all the gentlemen but one went away. Then he +gave me to understand, that my suit would immediately come to trial; +and, though he hoped the best, the issue was uncertain. That, if +it should be given against me, the decision would inspire my lord +with fresh spirits to disturb my peace, and, therefore, it would +be convenient for me to retire, until the affair should be brought +to a determination. + +"I was very much disconcerted at this intelligence; and the gentleman +who stayed, perceiving my concern, asked what I intended to do, +or if he could serve me in any shape, and desired to know whither +I proposed to retreat. I affected to laugh, and answered, "To +a garret, I believe." To this overstrained reasoning he replied, +that if I should, his friendship and regard would find the way to +my apartment; and I had no reason to doubt the sincerity of his +declaration. We consulted about the measures I should take, and I +determined to remove into the country, where I was soon favoured +with a letter from him, wherein he expressed the infinite pleasure +he had in being able to assure me that my suit had been successful, +and that I might appear again with great safety. + +"Accordingly, I returned to town in his coach and six, which he had +sent for my convenience, and the same evening went with him to the +masquerade, where we passed the night very agreeably, his spirits, +as well as mine, being elevated to a joyous pitch by the happy +event of my process. This gentleman was a person of great honour, +worth, and good-nature; he loved me extremely, but did not care +that I should know the extent of his passion. On the contrary, he +endeavoured to persuade me, he had laid it down as a maxim, that +no woman should ever have power enough over his heart to give him +the least pain or disquiet. In short, he had made a progress in my +affection, and to his generosity was I indebted for my subsistence +two whole years; during which, he was continually professing this +philosophic indifference, while, at the same time, he was giving +me daily assurances of his friendship and esteem, and treated me +with incessant marks of the most passionate love; so that I concluded +his intention was cold, though his temper was warm. Considering +myself as an encumbrance upon his fortune, I redoubled my endeavours +to obtain a separate maintenance from my lord, and removed from +St. James's-square to lodgings at Kensington, where I had not long +enjoyed myself in tranquility, before I was interrupted by a very +unexpected visit. + +"While I was busy one day dressing in my dining-room, I found his +lordship at my elbow before I was aware of his approach, although +his coach was at the door, and the house already in the possession +of his servants. He accosted me in the usual style, as if we had +parted the night before; and I answered him with an appearance of +the same careless familiarity, desiring him to sit down, while I +retreated to my chamber, locked the door, and fairly went to bed; +being perhaps the first woman who went thither for protection from +the insults of a man. Here, then. I immured myself with my faithful +Abigail. My lord finding me secured, knocked at the door, and through +the keyhole begged to be admitted, assuring me that all he wanted +was a conference. I desired to be excused, though I believed his +assurance; but I had no inclination to converse with him, because +I knew from experience the nature of his conversation, which was so +disagreeable and tormenting, that I would have exchanged it at any +time for a good beating, and thought myself a gainer by the bargain. +However, he persisted in his importunities to such a degree, that +I assented to his proposal, on condition that the duke of L-- should +be present at the interview: and he immediately sent a message +for his grace, while I, in peace, ate my breakfast, conveyed in a +basket, which was hoisted up to the window of my bedchamber. + +"The duke was so kind as to come at my lord's request, and, before +I would open the door, gave me his word, that I should be protected +from all violence and compulsion. Thus assured, they were permitted +to enter. My little gentleman, sitting down by my bedside, began +to repeat the old hackneyed arguments he had formerly used, with a +view of inducing me to live with him; and I, on my side, repeated +my former objections, or pretended to listen to his representations, +while my imagination was employed in contriving the means of +effecting an escape, as the duke easily perceived by my countenance. + +"Finding all his remonstrances ineffectual, he quitted the chamber, +and left his cause to the eloquence of his grace, who sat with me +a whole half-hour, without exerting himself much in behalf of his +client, because he knew I was altogether obstinate and determined +on that score; but joked upon the behaviour of his lordship, who, +though jealous of most people, had left him alone with me in my +bedchamber, observing, that he must neither have great confidence +in his virtue, or a very bad opinion of him otherwise. In short, +I found means to defer the categorical answer till next day, and +invited the duke and his lordship to dine with me to-morrow. My +wise yoke-fellow seemed to doubt the sincerity of this invitation, +and was very much disposed to keep possession of my house. But, +by the persuasion of his grace, and the advice of H--, who was his +chief counsellor and back, he was prevailed upon to take my word, +and for the present left me. + +"They were no sooner retired, than I rose with great expedition, +packed up my clothes, and took shelter in Essex for the first time. +Next day, my lord and his noble friend came to dinner, according +to appointment; and being informed of my escape by my woman, whom +I left in the house, his lordship discovered some signs of discontent, +and insisted upon seeing my papers; upon which my maid produced a +parcel of bills which I owed to different people. Notwithstanding +this disappointment, he sat down to what was provided for dinner, +and with great deliberation ate up a leg of lamb, the best part of +a fowl, and something else, which I do not now remember; and then +very peaceably went away, giving my maid an opportunity of following +me to the place of my retreat. + +"My intention was to have sought refuge, as formerly, in another +country; but I was prevented from putting my design in execution +by a fit of illness, during which I was visited by my physician and +some of my own relations, particularly a distant cousin of mine, +whom my lord had engaged in his interests, by promising to recompense +her amply, if she could persuade me to comply with his desire. In +this office she was assisted by the doctor, who was my friend, and +a man of sense, for whom I have the most perfect esteem, though he +and I have often differed in point of opinion. In a word, I was +exposed to the incessant importunities of all my acquaintance, which, +added to the desperate circumstances of my fortune, compelled me +to embrace the terms that were offered, and I again returned to +the domestic duties of a wife. + +"I was conducted to my lord's house by an old friend of mine, a +gentleman turned of fifty, of admirable parts and understanding; +he was a pleasing companion, cheerful and humane, and had acquired +a great share of my esteem and respect. In a word, his advice had +great weight in my deliberations, because it seemed to be the result +of experience and disinterested friendship. Without all doubt, he +had an unfeigned concern for my welfare; but, being an admirable +politician, his scheme was to make my interest coincide with his +own inclinations; for I had, unwittingly, made an innovation upon +his heart; and as he thought I should hardly favour his passion +while I was at liberty to converse with the rest of my admirers, +he counselled me to surrender that freedom, well knowing that my +lord would be easily persuaded to banish all his rivals from the +house; in which case, he did not doubt of his being able to insinuate +himself into my affections; because he laid it down as an eternal +truth, that, if any two persons of different sexes were obliged to +live together in a desert, where they would be excluded from all +other human intercourse, they would naturally and inevitably contract +an inclination for each other. + +"How just this hypothesis might be, I leave to the determination +of the curious; though, if I may be allowed to judge from my own +disposition, a couple so situated would be apt to imbibe mutual +disgusts from the nature and necessity of their union, unless +their association was at first the effect of reciprocal affection +and esteem. Be this as it will, I honour the gentleman for his +plan, which was ingeniously contrived, and artfully conducted; but +I happened to have too much address for him in the sequel, cunning +as he was, though at first I did not perceive his drift; and his +lordship was much less likely to comprehend his meaning. + +"Immediately after this new accommodation, I was carried to a +country house belonging to my lord, and was simple enough to venture +myself, unattended by any servant on whose integrity I could depend, +in the hands of his lordship, and H--, whose villainy I always +dreaded; though, at this time, my apprehensions were considerably +increased by recollecting, that it was not his interest to let +me live in the house, lest his conduct should be inquired into; +and by remembering that the very house to which we were going had +been twice burnt down in a very short space of time, not without +suspicion of his having been the incendiary, on account of some box +of writings which was lost in the conflagration. True it is, this +imputation was never made good; and, perhaps, he was altogether +innocent of the charge, which nevertheless affected my spirits in +such a manner, as rendered me the most miserable of all mortals. +In this terror did I remain, till my consternation was awakened +by the arrival of Mr. B--, a good-natured worthy man, whom my lord +had invited to his house, and I thought would not see me ill-used. +In a few weeks we were joined by Dr. S-- and his lady, who visited +us according to their promise; and it was resolved that we should +set out for Tunbridge, on a party of pleasure, and at our return +examine H--'s accounts. + +"This last part of our scheme was not at all relished by our worthy +steward, who therefore determined to overturn our whole plan, and +succeeded accordingly. My lord, all of a sudden, declared himself +against the jaunt we had projected, and insisted upon my staying at +home, without assigning any reason for this peremptory behaviour; +his countenance being cloudy, and, for the space of three days, he +did not open his mouth. At last, he one night entered my bedchamber, +to which he now had free access, with his sword under his arm, and, +if I remember aright, it was ready drawn. I could not help taking +notice of this alarming circumstance, which shocked me the more, as +it happened immediately after a gloomy fit of discontent. However, +I seemed to overlook the incident, and, dismissing my maid, went +to bed; because I was ashamed to acknowledge, even to my own heart, +any dread of a person whom I despised so much. However, the strength +of my constitution was not equal to the fortitude of my mind. I was +taken ill, and the servants were obliged to be called up; while my +lord himself, terrified at my situation, ran upstairs to Mrs. S--, +who was in bed, told her, with evident perturbation of spirits, that +I was very much indisposed, and said, he believed I was frightened +by his entering my chamber with his sword in hand. + +"This lady was so startled at his information, that she ran into +my apartment half naked, and as she went down-stairs, asked what +reason could induce him to have carried his sword with him. Upon +which he gave her to understand, that his intention was to kill +the bats. I believe and hope he had no other design than that of +intimidating me; but when the affair happened, I was of a different +opinion. Mrs. S--, having put on her clothes, sat up all night +by my bedside, and was so good as to assure me that she would not +leave me until I should be safely delivered from the apprehensions +that surrounded me in this house, to which she and the doctor had +been the principal cause of my coming; for my lord had haunted and +importuned them incessantly on this subject, protesting that he +loved me with the most inviolable affection; and all he desired +was, that I would sit at his table, manage his family, and share +his fortune. By these professions, uttered with an air of honesty +and good-nature, he had imposed himself upon them for the best +tempered creature upon earth; and they used all their influence with +me to take him into favour. This has been the case with a great +many people, who had but a superficial knowledge of his disposition; +but, in the course of their acquaintance, they have never failed +to discern and acknowledge their mistake. + +"The doctor, on his return from Tunbridge, to which place he had +made a trip by himself, found me ill abed, and the whole family +in confusion. Surprised and concerned at this disorder, he entered +into expostulation with my lord, who owned, that the cause of his +displeasure and disquiet was no other than jealousy. He had informed +him, that I had been seen to walk out with Mr. Bal-- in a morning; +and that our correspondence had been observed, with many additional +circumstances, which were absolutely false and groundless. This +imputation was no sooner understood, than it was resolved that the +accuser should be examined in presence of us all. He accordingly +appeared, exceedingly drunk, though it was morning, and repeated the +articles of the charge, as an information he had received from a +man who came from town to hang the bells, and was long ago returned +to London. + +"This was an instance of his cunning and address, which did not +forsake him even in his hours of intoxication. Had he fixed the +calumny on any one of the servants, he would have been confronted +and detected in his falsehood. Nevertheless, though he could not +be legally convicted, it plainly appeared that he was the author +of this defamation, which incensed Mr. Bal-- to such a degree, +that he could scarce be withheld from punishing him on the spot, +by manual chastisement. However, he was prevailed upon to abstain +from such immediate vengeance, as a step unworthy of his character; +and the affair was brought to this issue, that his lordship should +either part with me or Mr. H--; for I was fully determined against +living under the same roof with such an incendiary. + +"This alternative being proposed, my lord dismissed his steward, +and we returned to town with the doctor and Mrs. S--; for I had +imbibed such horror and aversion for this country seat, though one +of the pleasantest in England, that I could not bear to live in it. +We therefore removed to a house in Bond-street, where, according to +the advice of my friends, I exerted my whole power and complaisance +in endeavours to keep my husband in good-humour, but was so +unsuccessful in my attempts, that, if ever he was worse tempered, +more capricious, or intolerable, at one time than at another, this +was the season in which his ill-humour predominated in the most +rancorous degree. I was scarce ever permitted to stir abroad, saw +nobody at home, but my old male friend, whom I have mentioned above; +and the doctor, with his lady, from whose conversation, also, I +was at last excluded. + +"Nevertheless, I contrived to steal a meeting now and then with my +late benefactor, for whom I entertained a great share of affection, +exclusive of that gratitude that was due to his generosity. It +was not his fault that I compromised matters with my lord; for he +was as free of his purse as I was unwilling to use it. It would, +therefore, have been unfriendly, unkind, and ungrateful in me, now +that I was in affluence, to avoid all intercourse with a man who +had supported me in adversity. I think people cannot be too shy +and scrupulous in receiving favours; but once they are conferred, +they ought never to forget the obligation. And I was never more +concerned at any incident of my life, than at hearing that this +gentleman did not receive a letter, in which I acknowledged the +last proof of his friendship and liberality which I had occasion +to use, because I have since learned that he suspected me of neglect. + +"But to return to my situation in Bond-street. I bore it as well as +I could for the space of three months, during which I lived in the +midst of spies, who were employed to watch my conduct, and underwent +every mortification that malice, power, and folly could inflict. +Nay, so ridiculous, so unreasonable was my tyrant in his spleen, +that he declared he would even be jealous of Heydigger, if there +was no other man to incur his suspicion: he expected that I should +spend my whole time with him tete-a-tete; when I sacrificed my +enjoyment to these comfortable parties, he never failed to lay hold +on some innocent expression of mine, which he made the foundation +of a quarrel; and, when I strove to avoid these disagreeable +misinterpretations by reading or writing, he incessantly teased +and tormented me with the imputation of being peevish, sullen, and +reserved. + +"Harassed by this insufferable behaviour, I communicated my case +to Dr. S-- and his lady, intimating that I neither could nor would +expose myself any longer to such usage. The doctor exhorted me to +bear my fate with patience; and Mrs. S-- was silent on the subject; +so that I still hesitated between staying and going, when the +doctor, being one night at supper, happened to have some words +with my lord, who was so violently transported with passion, that +I was actually afraid of going to bed with him; and next morning, +when he awakened, there was such an expression of frantic wildness +in his countenance, that I imagined he was actually distracted. + +"This alarming circumstance confirmed me in my resolution of decamping; +and I accordingly moved my quarters to a house in Sackville-street, +where I had lodged when I was a widow. From thence I sent a message +to the duke of L--, desiring he would make my lord acquainted with +the place of my abode, my reasons for removing, and my intention +to defend myself against all his attempts. The first night of this +separation I went to bed by myself with as much pleasure as a man +would feel in going to bed to his mistress whom he had long solicited in +vain, so rejoiced was I to be delivered from my obnoxious bedfellow! + +"From these lodgings I soon moved to Brook-street, where I had +not long enjoyed the sweets of my escape, when I was importuned +to return, by a new steward whom my lord had engaged in the room +of H--. This gentleman, who bore a very fair character, made such +judicious representations, and behaved so candidly in the discharge +of his function, that I agreed he should act as umpire in the +difference betwixt us, and once more a reconciliation was effected, +though his lordship began to be dissatisfied even before the execution +of our agreement; in consequence of which he attended me to Bath, +whither I went for the benefit of my health, which was not a little +impaired. + +"This accommodation had a surprising effect upon my lover, who, +notwithstanding his repeated declarations, that no woman should +ever gain such an ascendancy over his heart as to be able to give +him pain, suffered all the agonies of disappointed love, when he +now found himself deprived of the opportunities of seeing me, and +behaved very differently from what he had imagined he should. His +words and actions were desperate: one of his expressions to me +was, "It is like twisting my heart-strings, and tearing it out of +my body." Indeed, I never should have acted this part had I foreseen +what he would have suffered; but I protest I believed him, when he +said otherwise, so much, that his declaration on that subject was +the occasion of my giving him up; and it was now too late to retract. + +"In our expedition to Bath, I was accompanied by a very agreeable +young lady, with whom I passed my time very happily, amid the +diversions of the place, which screened me, in a good measure, +from the vexatious society of my hopeful partner. From this place +we repaired to his seat in the country, where we spent a few months, +and thence returned again to our house in Bond-street. Here, while +I was confined to my bed by illness, it was supposed my indisposition +was no other than a private lying-in, though I was under the roof +with my lord, and attended by his servants. + +"While the distemper continued, my lord, to do him justice, behaved +with all imaginable tenderness and care; and his concern on these +occasions I have already mentioned as a strange inconsistency in +his disposition. If his actions were at all accountable, I should +think he took pains to fret me into a fever first, in order +to manifest his love and humanity afterwards. When I recovered my +strength and spirits, I went abroad, saw company, and should have +been easy, had he been contented; but as my satisfaction increased, +his good-humour decayed, and he banished from his house, one by one, +all the people whose conversation could have made my life agreeable. + +"I often expostulated with him on his malignant behaviour, protesting +my desire of living peaceably with him, and begging he would not +lay me under the necessity of changing my measures. He was deaf +to all my remonstrances, though I warned him more than once of the +event, persisted in his maxims of persecution; and, after repeated +quarrels, I again left his house fully determined to suffer all +sorts of extremity, rather than subject myself to the tyranny of +his disposition. + +"This year was productive of one fatal event, which I felt with +the utmost sensibility of sorrow, and I shall always remember with +regret:--I mean the death of Mr. B--, with whom I had constantly +maintained an intimate correspondence since the first commencement +of our acquaintance. He was one of the most valuable men, and +promised to be one of the brightest ornaments that this or any +other age had produced. I enjoyed his friendship without reserve; +and such was the confidence he reposed in my integrity, from long +experience of my truth, that he often said he would believe my +bare assertion, even though it should contradict the evidence of +his own senses. These being the terms upon which we lived, it is +not to be supposed that I bore the loss of him without repining. +Indeed, my grief was unspeakable; and, though the edge of it be +now smoothed by the lenient hand of time, I shall never cease to +cherish his memory with the most tender remembrance. + +"During the last period of my living with my lord, I had agreed to +the expediency of obtaining an act of parliament, which would enable +him to pay his debts; on which occasion there was a necessity of +cancelling a deed that subsisted between us, relating to a separate +maintenance, to which, on certain provisions, I was entitled; and this +was to be set aside, so far as it interfered with the above-mentioned +scheme, while the rest of it should remain in force. When this affair +was about to be transacted, my lord very generously insisted upon +my concurrence in annulling the whole settlement; and, when I refused +to comply with this demand, because this was the sole resource I +had against his ill-usage, he would not proceed in the execution +of his plan, though, by dropping it, he hurt nobody but himself; +and he accused me of having receded from my word, after I had drawn +him into considerable expense. + +"This imputation of breaking my word, which I defy the whole world +to prove I ever did, incensed me the more, as I myself had proposed +the scheme for his service, although I knew the accomplishment +of it would endanger the validity of my own settlement; and my +indignation was still more augmented by the behaviour of Mr. G--, +who had always professed a regard for my interest, and upon my last +accommodation with my lord, undertaken to effect a reconciliation +between my father and me; but, when he was questioned about the +particulars of this difference, and desired to declare whether his +lordship or I was to blame, he declined the office of arbitrator, +refused to be explicit upon the subject, and by certain shrewd hums +and ha's, signified his disapprobation of my conduct. Yet this very +man, when I imparted to him, in confidence, my intention of making +another retreat, and frankly asked his opinion of my design, seemed +to acquiesce in the justice of it in these remarkable words: "Madam, +if I thought or had hopes of my lord growing better, I would down on +my knees to desire you to stay; but, as I have not, I say nothing." + +"If he connived at my conduct in this particular, why should he +disapprove of it when all I asked was but common justice? But he +was a dependant; and therefore I excuse his phlegmatic, not to call +it unfriendly, behaviour. Indeed, he could not be too cautious of +giving offence to his lordship, who sometimes made him feel the +effects of that wrath which other people had kindled; particularly +in consequence of a small adventure which happened about this very +period of time. + +"A very agreeable, sprightly, good-natured young man, a near relation +of my lord, happening to be at our house one evening, when there +was a fire in the neighbourhood, we agreed to go and sup at the +tavern en famille; and, having spent the evening with great mirth +and good-humour, this young gentleman, who was naturally facetious, +in taking his leave, saluted us all round. My lord, who had before +entertained some jealousy of his kinsman, was very much provoked by +this trifling incident, but very prudently suppressed his displeasure +till he returned to his own house, where his rage co-operating +with the champagne he had drunk, inflamed him to such a degree of +resolution, that he sprang upon the innocent G--, and collared him +with great fury, though he was altogether unconcerned in the cause +of his indignation. + +"This extravagant and frantic behaviour, added to other grievances +under which I laboured, hastened my resolution of leaving him; and +he, to this day, blames his relation as the immediate cause of my +escape, whereas he ought to place it to the account of his own madness +and indiscretion. When I retired to Park-street, he cautioned all +my tradesmen, not even excepting my baker, against giving me credit, +assuring them that he would not pay any debts I should contract; +and the difficulties to which I was reduced, in consequence of +this charitable declaration, together with the reflection of what +I had suffered, and might undergo, from the caprice and barbarity +of his disposition, affected my health so much, that I was again +taken ill, and my life thought in danger. + +"My constitution, however, got the better of my distemper, and +I was ordered into the country by my physicians, for the benefit +of the air; so that I found myself under the necessity of keeping +two houses, when I was little able to support one, and set up my +chariot, because I could not defray the expense of a hackney-coach; +for I had as much credit given me as I asked for, notwithstanding +my lord's orders to the contrary. + +"Having recruited my spirits in the country, I returned to town, +and was visited by my friends, who never forsook me in adversity, +and in the summer removed to a house in Essex, where I lived a few +months in great tranquility, unmolested by my tyrant, who sometimes +gave me a whole year's respite. Here I used to ride and drive by +turns, as my humour dictated, with horses which were lent me; and +I had the company of my lover, and another gentleman, who was a very +agreeable companion, and of singular service to me in the sequel. + +"At last, my lord having received intelligence of the place of +my abode, and his tormenting humour recurring, he set out for my +habitation, and in the morning appeared in his coach and six, attended +by Mr. G-- and another person, whom he had engaged for the purpose, +with several domestics armed. I immediately shut up my doors at +his approach, and refused him admittance, which he endeavoured to +obtain by a succession of prayers and threats; but I was deaf to +both, and resolved to hold out to the last. Seeing me determined, +he began his attack, and his servants actually forced their way into +the house; upon which I retreated up-stairs, and fortified myself +in my apartment, which the assailants stormed with such fury, that +the door began to give way, and I retired into another room. + +"Whilst I remained in this post, Mr. G-- demanded a parley, in +which he begged I would favour my lord with an interview, otherwise +he knew not what might be the consequence. To this remonstrance I +replied, that I was not disposed to comply with his request; and +though their design should be murder, I was not at all afraid of +death. Upon this declaration they renewed their attacks, which they +carried on with indifferent success till the afternoon, when my lord, +as if he had been at play, sent a formal message to me, desiring +that all hostilities should cease, till after both parties should +have dined. At the same time, my own servants came for instructions; +and I ordered them to let him have everything which he should call +for, as far as the house would afford. + +"He did not fail to make use of this permission; but sitting down +with his companions, ate up my dinner without hesitation, after +he had paid me the compliment of desiring to know what he should +send up to my apartment. Far from having any stomach to partake +of his meal, I sat solitary upon my bed, in a state of melancholy +expectation, having fastened the door of the outward room for my +security, while I kept my chamber open for the convenience of air, +the weather being excessively hot. His lordship, having indulged +his appetite, resumed his attempt, and all of a sudden I heard +a noise in the next room; upon which I started up, and perceiving +that he had got into my ante-chamber, by the help of a bench that +stood under the window, I flung to the door of my room, which I +locked with great expedition, and opening another that communicated +with the staircase, ran out of the house, through a crowd of more +than a hundred people, whom this fray had gathered together. + +"Being universally beloved in the neighbourhood, and respected by +my lord's servants, I passed among them untouched, and took refuge +in a neighbouring cottage; while his lordship bawled and roared +for assistance, being afraid to come out as he had gone in. Without +waiting for his deliberations, I changed clothes with the poor +woman who had given me shelter, and in her blue apron and straw +hat sallied out into the fields, intending to seek protection in +the house of a gentleman not far off, though I was utterly ignorant +of the road that led me to it. However, it was my good fortune +to meet with a farmer, who undertook to conduct me to the place; +otherwise I should have missed my way, and in all probability lain +in the fields; for by this time it was eight o'clock at night. + +"Under the direction of this guide, I traversed hedges and ditches; +for I would not venture to travel in the highway, lest I should +fall into the hands of my pursuer, and after I had actually tumbled +into the mire, and walked six or seven long miles by the help of +a good spirit, which never failed me on such occasions, I arrived +at the place, and rung the bell at the garden gate for admittance. +Seeing my figure, which was very uncouth, together with my draggled +condition, they denied me entrance; but, when they understood who +I was, immediately opened the door, and I was hospitably entertained, +after having been the subject of mirth, on account of my dress and +adventure. + +"Next day I returned and took possession of my house again, where +I resumed my former amusements, which I enjoyed in quiet for the +space of a whole month, waiting with resignation for the issue of +my lawsuit; when, one afternoon, I was apprised of his lordship's +approach by one of my spies, whom I always employed to reconnoitre +the road; and so fortunate was I in the choice of these scouts, +that I never was betrayed by one of them, though they were often +bribed for that purpose. I no sooner received this intelligence, +than I ordered my horse to be saddled, and, mounting, rode out of +sight immediately, directing my course a different way from the +London road. I had not long proceeded in this track, when my career +was all of a sudden stopped by a five-bar gate, which, after some +hesitation, I resolved to leap (my horse being an old hunter), if +I should find myself pursued. However, with much difficulty I made +a shift to open it, and arrived in safety at the house of my very +good friend Mr. G--, who, being a justice of the peace, had promised +me his protection, if it should be wanted. + +"Thus secured for the present, I sent out spies to bring information +of his lordship's proceedings, and understood that he had taken +possession of my house, turned my servants adrift, and made himself +master of all my movables, clothes, and papers. As for the papers, +they were of no consequence, but of clothes I had a good stock; and, +when I had reason to believe that he did not intend to relinquish +his conquest, I thought it was high time for me to remove to +a greater distance from his quarters. Accordingly, two days after +my escape, I set out at eleven o'clock at night, in a chariot and +four, which I borrowed of my friend, attended by a footman, who +was a stout fellow, and well armed, I myself being provided with a +brace of good pistols, which I was fully determined to use against +any person who should presume to lay violent hands upon me, except +my lord, for whom a less mortal weapon would have sufficed, such as +a bodkin or a tinder-box. Nothing could be farther from my intention +than the desire of hurting any living creature, much less my husband: +my design was only to defend myself from cruelty and oppression, +which I knew, by fatal experience, would infallibly be my lot, +should he get me into his power. And I thought I had as good a +right to preserve my happiness, as that which every individual has +to preserve his life, especially against a set of ruffians, who +were engaged to rob me of it for a little dirty lucre. + +"In the midst of our journey, the footman came up, and told me I +was dogged; upon which I looked out, and, seeing a man riding by +the chariot side, presented one of my pistols out of my window, +and preserved that posture of defence, until he thought proper +to retreat, and rid me of the fears that attended his company. I +arrived in town, and, changing my equipage, hired an open chaise, +in which, though I was almost starved with cold, I travelled +to Reading, which I reached by ten next morning; and from thence +proceeded farther in the country, with a view of taking refuge with +Mrs. C--, who was my particular friend. Here I should have found +shelter, though my lord had been beforehand with me, and endeavoured +to prepossess her against my conduct, had not the house been crowded +with company, among whom I could not possibly have been concealed, +especially from her brother, who was an intimate friend of my +persecutor. + +"Things being thus situated, I enjoyed but a very short interview +with her, in which her sorrow and perplexity on my account +appeared with great expression in her countenance; and, though it +was not in her power to afford me the relief I expected, she, in the +most genteel manner, sent after me a small sum of money, thinking +that, considering the hurry in which I left my house, I might have +occasion for it on the road. I was, by this time, benumbed with +cold, fatigued with travelling, and almost fretted to death by my +disappointment. However, this was no time to indulge despondence; +since nobody could or would assist me, I stood the more in need of +my own resolution and presence of mind. After some deliberation, +I steered my course back to London; and, being unwilling to return +by the same road in which I came, as well as impatient to be at the +end of my journey, I chose the Bagshot way, and ventured to cross +the heath by moonlight. + +"Here I was attacked by a footpad armed with a broad-sword, who +came up and demanded my money. My stock amounted to twelve guineas; +and I foresaw that should I be stripped of the whole sum, I could +not travel without discovering who I was, and consequently running +the risk of being detected by my pursuer. On these considerations, +I gave the fellow three guineas and some silver; with which he was +so far from being satisfied, that he threatened to search me for +more: but I ordered the coachman to proceed, and by good fortune +escaped that ceremony, though I was under some apprehension of +being overtaken with a pistol bullet in my flight, and therefore +held down my head in the chaise, in imitation of some great men, who +are said to have ducked in the same manner in the day of battle. My +fears happened to be disappointed: I lay at an inn upon the road, +and next day arrived in town, in the utmost difficulty and distress; +for I knew not where to fix my habitation, and was destitute of +all means of support. In this dilemma, I applied to my lawyer, who +recommended me to the house of a tradesman in Westminster, where +I lodged and boarded upon credit, with my faithful Abigail (whom +I shall distinguish by the name of Mrs. S--), for the space of ten +weeks, during which I saw nobody, and never once stirred abroad. + +"While I was thus harassed out of all enjoyment of life, and reduced +to the utmost indigence, by the cruelty of my persecutor, who had +even stripped me of my wearing apparel, I made a conquest of Lord +D--, a nobleman who is now dead, and therefore I shall say little +of his character, which is perfectly well known: this only will I +observe, that, next to my own tyrant, he was the person of whom I +had the greatest abhorrence. Nevertheless, when these two came in +competition, I preferred the offers of this new lover, which were +very considerable; and as an asylum was the chief thing I wanted, +agreed to follow him to his country seat, whither I actually sent +my clothes, which I had purchased upon credit. + +"However, upon mature deliberation, I changed my mind, and signified +my resolution in a letter, desiring at the same time that my baggage +might be sent back. In consequence of this message, I expected a +visit from him, in all the rage of indignation and disappointment, +and gave orders that he should not be admitted into my house yet, +notwithstanding this precaution, he found means to procure entrance; +and one of the first objects that I saw, next morning, in my +bedchamber, was my lover, armed with a horsewhip, against which, +from the knowledge of the man, I did not think myself altogether +secure; though I was not much alarmed, because I believed myself +superior to him in point of bravery, should the worst come to the +worst. But, contrary to my expectation, and his usual behaviour +to our sex, he accosted me very politely, and began to expostulate +on the contents of my letter. I freely told him, that I had rashly +assented to his proposal, for my own convenience only; that, when +I reflected on what I had done, I thought it ungenerous in me to +live with him upon these terms; and that, as I did not like him, +and could not dissemble, such a correspondence could never tend +to the satisfaction of either. He allowed the inference was just, +though he was very much chagrined at my previous proceeding. He +relinquished his claim, restored my clothes, and never afterwards +upbraided me with my conduct in this affair; though he at one time +owned, that he still loved me, and ever should, because I had used +him ill; a declaration that strongly marks the peculiarity of his +character. As for my own part, I own that my behaviour on this +occasion is no other way excusable, than on account of the miserable +perplexity of my circumstances, which were often so calamitous, +that I wonder I have not been compelled to take such steps as would +have rendered my conduct much more exceptionable than it really +is. + +"At last all my hopes were blasted by the issue of my suit, which +was determined in favour of my lord. Even then I refused to yield: +on the contrary, coming out of retirement, I took lodgings in +Suffolk-street, and set my tyrant at defiance. But, being unwilling +to trust my doors to the care of other people, I hired a house in +Conduit-street; and no sooner appeared in the world again, than I +was surrounded by divers and sundry sorts of admirers. I believe +I received the incense and addresses of all kinds under the sun, +except that sort which was most to my liking, a man capable of +contracting and inspiring a mutual attachment; but such a one is +equally rare and inestimable; not but that I own myself greatly +obliged to all those who cultivated my good graces, though they +were very little beholden to me; for where I did not really love, +I could never profess that passion; that sort of dissimulation is +a slavery that no honest nature will undergo. Except one worthy +young man whom I sometimes saw, they were a strange medley of +insignificant beings: one was insipid, another ridiculously affected, +a third void of all education, a fourth altogether inconsistent; +and, in short, I found as many trifling characters among the men, +as ever I observed in my own sex. Some of them I endeavoured to +bring over to my maxims, while they attempted to make a proselyte +of me; but, finding the task impracticable on both sides, we very +wisely dropped each other. + +"At length, however, I was blessed with the acquaintance of one +nobleman, who is, perhaps, the first character in England, in point +of honour, integrity, wit, sense, and benevolence; when I have +thus distinguished him, I need scarce mention Lord --. This great, +this good man, possesses every accomplishment requisite to inspire +admiration, love, and esteem. With infinitely more merit than almost +ever fell to one man's share, he manifests such diffidence of his +own qualifications, as cannot fail to prepossess every company in +his favour. He seems to observe nothing, yet sees everything; his +manner of telling a story, and making trifles elegant, is peculiar +to himself; and, though he has a thousand oddities, they serve +only to make him more agreeable. After what I have said, it may be +supposed that I was enamoured of his person; but this was not the +case; love is altogether capricious and fanciful; yet I admire, +honour, and esteem him to the highest degree, and when I observe +that his character resembled that of my dear departed friend Mr. +B--; or rather, that Mr. B--, had he lived, would have resembled +Lord --, I pay the highest compliment I can conceive both to the +living and to the dead. + +"In this nobleman's friendship and conversation I thought myself +happy; though I was, as usual, exposed to the indefatigable efforts +of my lord, who, one day, while I was favoured with the company of +this generous friend, appeared at my door in his coach, attended by +another gentleman, who demanded entrance with an air of authority. +A very honest footman, who had been long in my service, ran upstairs +in the utmost consternation, and gave me an account of what had +happened below. Upon which I told him he had nothing to answer for, +and ordered him to keep the door fast shut against all opposition; +though I was so much affected with this unexpected assault, that +Lord -- said he was never more surprised and shocked in his life, +than at the horror which appeared in my countenance, when I saw +the coach stop at my door. + +"My little hero being refused admittance, went away, threatening +to return speedily with a reinforcement; and during this interval, +I provided myself with a soldier, whom I placed sentinel at the +door, within side, to guard me from the danger of such assaults +for the future. My lord, true to his promise, marched back with his +auxiliaries, reinforced with a constable, and repeated his demand +of being admitted; and my soldier opening the sash, in order to +answer him, according to my directions, he no sooner perceived the +red coat, than he was seized with such a panic, that he instantly +fled with great precipitation; and, when he recounted the adventure, +like Falstaff in the play, multiplied my guard into a whole file +of musqueteers. He also made a shift to discover the gentleman who +had been so kind as to lend me one of his company, and complained +of him to the duke of N--, in hopes of seeing him broke for his +misdemeanour; but in that expectation he was luckily disappointed. + +"Perceiving that in England I should never enjoy peace, but be +continually subject to those alarms and disquiets which had already +impaired my health and spirits, I resolved to repair again to +France, my best refuge and sure retreat from the persecution of my +tyrant. Yet, before I took this step, I endeavoured, by the advice +of my friends, to conceal myself near Windsor; but was in a little +time discovered by my lord, and hunted out of my lurking-place +accordingly. I then removed to Chelsea, where I suffered inconceivable +uneasiness and agitation of mind, from the nature of my situation, +my tranquility being thus incessantly invaded by a man who could +not be satisfied with me, and yet could not live without me. So +that, though I was very much indisposed, I set out for France, by +way of the Hague, as the war had shut up all other communication, +having no other attendant but my woman S--, who, though she dreaded +the sea, and was upon the brink of matrimony, would not quit me in +such a calamitous condition, until I was joined by my footman and +another maid, whom I ordered to follow me with the baggage. But, +before my departure, I sent a message to Lord --, demanding my +clothes, which he had seized in Essex; and, he refusing to deliver +them, I was obliged to equip myself anew, upon credit. + +"I was supplied with money for my journey by my good friend L--; +and, after a short and pleasant passage, arrived at the Hague, +where I stayed two months, and parted with S--, on whom I settled +an annuity of five-and-twenty pounds, payable out of the provision +which I had or might obtain from my husband. The same allowance had +I prevailed upon Lord B-- to grant to another maid, who attended +me while I lived in his house. + +"I did not much relish the people in Holland, because they seemed +entirely devoted to self-interest, without any taste for pleasure +or politeness; a species of disposition that could not be very agreeable +to me, who always despised money, had an unbounded benevolence of +heart, and loved pleasure beyond every other consideration. When I +say pleasure, I would not be understood to mean sensuality, which +constitutes the supreme happiness of those only who are void of +sentiment and imagination. Nevertheless, I received some civilities +in this place, and, among the rest, the reputation of having for +my lover the king of P--'s minister, who was young and airy, and +visited me often; circumstances that were sufficient to lay me under +the imputation of an amour, which I frequently incurred without +having given the least cause of suspicion. + +"Having taken leave of my Dutch friends, I departed from the Hague, in +company with an English woman, whom I had chosen for that purpose, +and arrived at Antwerp with much difficulty and danger, the highway +being infested with robbers. After having reposed myself a few +days in this city, I hired a coach for myself, and set out with my +companion for Brussels; but, before we reached Mechlin, our vehicle +was attacked by two hussars, who, with their sabres drawn, obliged +the coachman to drive into a wood near the road. I at first imagined +that they wanted to examine our passports, but was soon too well +convinced of their design; and, though very much shocked at the +discovery, found resolution enough to suppress my concern, so that +it should not aggravate the terrors of the young woman, who had +almost died with apprehension. I even encouraged her to hope for +the best; and, addressing myself to the robbers in French, begged, +in the most suppliant manner, that they would spare our lives; upon +which one of them, who was a little fellow, assured me, in the same +language, that we had nothing to fear for our persons. + +"When we were conveyed in a state of dreadful suspense about +three-quarters of a mile into the wood, the ruffians came into +the coach, and, taking my keys, which I kept ready in my hand for +them, opened three large trunks that contained my baggage, and +emptying them of everything but my hoops and a few books, packed +up their booty in a cloth; then robbed me of my money and jewels, +even to my shoe-buckles and sleeve-buttons, took my footman's laced +hat, and gave it, by way of gratification, to a peasant, who came +from behind the bushes, and assisted them in packing. + +"This affair being despatched, they ordered us to return to the +road by a different way from that in which we were carried into the +wood; and mounting their horses, rode off with the plunder, though +not before the little fellow, who was the least ferocious of the +two, had come and shaken me by the hand, wishing us a good journey; a +compliment which I heartily returned, being extremely well pleased +with the retreat of two such companions, who had detained us a +whole half-hour; during which, notwithstanding the assurance I had +received, I was in continual apprehension of seeing their operation +concluded with the murder of us all; for I supposed they were of +that gang who had some time before murdered a French officer, and +used a lady extremely ill, after having rifled her of all she had. + +"Having thus undergone pillage, and being reduced to the extremity +of indigence in a foreign land, it is not to be supposed that my +reflections were very comfortable; and yet, though I sustained the +whole damage, I was the only person in the company who bore the +accident with any resolution and presence of mind. My coachman +and valet seemed quite petrified with fear; and it was not till I +had repeated my directions that the former drove farther into the +wood, and took the first turning to the right, in order to regain +the road, according to the command of the robbers, which I did not +choose to disobey. + +"This misfortune I suffered by the misinformation I received at +Antwerp, where I would have provided myself with an escort, had +not I been assured that there was not the least occasion to put +myself to such extraordinary expense. And, indeed, the robbers took +the only half-hour in which they could have had an opportunity of +plundering us; for we no sooner returned into the highway, than +we met with the French artillery coming from Brussels, which was a +security to us during the rest of our journey. We were afterwards +informed at a small village, that there was actually a large gang +of deserters, who harboured in that wood, from which they made +excursions in the neighbourhood, and kept the peasants in continual +alarms. + +"Having proceeded a little way, we were stopped by the artillery +crossing a bridge; and, as the train was very long, must have +been detained till night, had not a soldier informed me, that, if +I would take the trouble to come out of my coach, and apply to the +commandant, he would order them to halt, and allow me to pass. I took +the man's advice, and was by him conducted, with much difficulty, +through the crowd, to some officers, who seemed scarce to deserve +the name; for, when I signified my request, they neither rose up, +nor desired me to sit down; but, lolling in their chairs, with one +leg stretched out, asked, with an air of disrespectful raillery. +where I was going; and when I answered, "To Paris," desired to know +what I would do there. + +"I, who am naturally civil where I am civilly used, and saucy enough +where I think myself treated with disregard, was very much piqued +at their insolent and unmannerly behaviour, and began to reply to the +impertinent questions very abruptly; so that a very tart dialogue +would have ensued, had not the conversation been interrupted +by a tall, thin, genteel young French nobleman, an officer in the +army, who, chancing to come in, asked with great politeness, what +I would please to have. I then repeated my desire, and produced +my passports, by which he learned who I was. He immediately gave +orders that my coach should pass; and afterwards visited me at Paris, +having obtained my permission, and taken my address at parting; +while the others, understanding my name and quality, asked pardon +for their impolite carriage, which they told me was owing to the +representation of the soldier, who gave them to understand that I +was a strolling actress. + +"I could not help laughing heartily at this mistake, which might +have proceeded from the circumstances of my appearance, my footman +having been obliged to change hats with the peasant, and myself +being without buckles on my shoes and buttons on my riding-skirt, +while my countenance still retained marks of the fear and confusion I +had undergone. After all, perhaps the fellow was a droll, and wanted +to entertain himself at my expense. The day was so far consumed +in these adventures, that I was obliged to take up my lodgings at +Mechlin, where I addressed myself to the intendant, giving him an +account of the disaster I had met with, and desiring I might have +credit at the inn, as our whole company could not raise the value +of a sixpence. This gentleman, though a provincial, was polite in +his way, and not only granted my request, but invited me to lodge +at his own house. I accordingly gave him my company at supper, but +did not choose to sleep at his quarters, because he appeared to be +what the French call un vieux debauche. + +"Next day, he sent a trumpet to the general, with a detail of my +misfortune, in hopes of retrieving what I had lost; but, notwithstanding +all possible search, I was fain to put up with my damage, which, +in linen, laces, clothes, and baubles, amounted to upwards of seven +hundred pounds, a loss which never deprived me of one moment's rest; +for, though I lodged at a miserable inn, and lay in a paltry bed, +I slept as sound as if nothing extraordinary had happened, after +I had written to London and Paris, directing that the payment +of my bills of credit might be stopped. Indeed, I know of but two +misfortunes in life capable of depressing my spirits, namely, the +loss of health and friends; all others may be prevented or endured. +The articles of that calamity which I chiefly regretted, were a +picture of Lord W--, and some inimitable letters from Mr. B--. + +"From Mechlin I proceeded to Brussels, where, being known, I got +credit for some necessaries, and borrowed twenty guineas to defray +the expense of my journey to Paris. Having consulted with my +friends about the safest method of travelling through Flanders, I +was persuaded to take places in the public voiture; and accordingly +departed, not without fears of finding one part of the country as +much infested with robbers as another. Nor were these apprehensions +assuaged by the conversation of my fellow-travellers, who, being +of the lower sort of people, that delight in exaggerating dangers, +entertained me all the way with an account of all the robberies and +murders which had been committed on that road, with many additional +circumstances of their own invention. After having been two days +exposed to this comfortable conversation, among very disagreeable +company, which is certainly one of the most disagreeable situations +in life, I arrived at Lisle, where, thinking the dangerous part of +the journey was now past, I hired a post-chaise, and in two days +more reached Paris without any further molestation. + +"Upon my arrival in the capital, I was immediately visited by my old +acquaintances, who, hearing my disaster, offered me their clothes, +and insisted upon my wearing them, until I could be otherwise +provided. They likewise engaged me in parties, with a view of amusing +my imagination, that I might not grow melancholy in reflecting upon +my loss; and desired me to repeat the particulars of my story forty +times over, expressing great surprise at our not being murdered, +or ravished at least. As for this last species of outrage, the +fear of it never once entered my head, otherwise I should have been +more shocked and alarmed than I really was. But it seems this was +the chief circumstance of my companion's apprehension; and I cannot +help observing, that a homely woman is always more apt to entertain +those fears, than one whose person exposes her to much more imminent +danger. However, I now learned, that the risk I ran was much greater +than I imagined it to be, those ruffians being familiarized to rape +as well as murder. + +"Soon after my appearance at Paris, I was favoured with the +addresses of several French lovers; but I never had any taste for +foreigners, or indeed for any amusement of that kind, except such +as were likely to be lasting, and settled upon a more agreeable +footing than that of common gallantry. When I deviated from this +principle, my conduct was the effect of compulsion, and therefore +I was never easy under it, having been reduced to the alternative +of two evils, the least of which I was obliged to choose, as a man +leaps into the sea, in order to escape from a ship that is on fire. + +"Though I rejected their love, I did not refuse their company and +conversation; and, though my health was considerably impaired by +the shock I received in my last adventure, which was considerably +greater than I at first imagined, and affected my companion so much, +that she did not recover her spirits till she returned to England, I +say, though I was for some time a valetudinarian, I enjoyed myself +in great tranquility for the space of ten months, during which +I was visited by English, Scotch, and French, of all parties +and persuasions; for pleasure is of no faction, and that was the +chief object of my pursuit; neither was I so ambitious of being a +politician, as to employ my time and thoughts upon subjects which I +did not understand. I had admirers of all sides, and should have +spent my time very much to my liking, had not I felt my funds +sensibly diminish, without any prospect of their being repaired; +for I had been obliged to lay out a great part of the sum allotted +for my subsistence, in supplying my companion, my servant, and +myself with necessaries, in lieu of those which we had lost. + +"Having before my eyes the uncomfortable prospect of wanting money +in a strange place, I found myself under the necessity of returning +to England, where I had more resources than I could possibly have +among foreigners; and with that view wrote to Lord --'s agents, +desiring that I might be enabled to discharge my obligations at +Paris, by the payment of my pin-money. Thus a negotiation commenced, +and his lordship promised to remit money for the clearance of my +Paris debts, which amounted to four hundred pounds: but he would not +advance one farthing more, though I gave him to understand, that, +while he protracted the agreement, I must inevitably be adding to +my encumbrances, and that I should be as effectually detained by +a debt of twenty pounds, as if I owed a thousand. Notwithstanding +all my representations, he would not part with one shilling over +the net sum which I at first stipulated; so that all my measures +were rendered abortive, and I found it altogether impracticable to +execute those resolutions I had formed in his favour. + +"Thus did he for a mere trifle embarrass the woman for whom he professed +the most unlimited love, and whose principles he pretended to hold +in the utmost veneration. Indeed, his confidence in my integrity +was not without foundation; for many wives, with one half of my +provocation, would have ruined him to all intents and purposes; +whereas, notwithstanding all the extraordinary expenses to which +I had been exposed by his continual persecution, he never paid a +shilling on my account except one thousand pounds, exclusive of the +small allowance which was my due. In a word, so much time elapsed +before my lord could prevail upon himself to advance the bare four +hundred, that I was involved in fresh difficulties, from which I +found it impossible to extricate myself; and though I had occasion +to write a letter to my benefactor Lord --, in which I expressed +my acknowledgment of past favours, I could not venture to solicit +more, even when I was encouraged by a very obliging answer, wherein +he declared, that the good qualities of my mind and heart would +bind him to me in friendship for ever. + +"While I ruminated on my uncomfortable situation, which would +neither permit me to return to England, nor to stay much longer +where I was, a young Englishman of immense fortune took Paris in +his way from Italy, accompanied by a most agreeable Scotchman of +very good sense and great vivacity. It was my good or ill fortune +to become acquainted with these gentlemen, who, having seen me at +the opera, expressed a desire of being known to me, and accordingly +favoured me with a visit one afternoon, when the brisk North Briton +engrossed the whole conversation, while the other seemed fearful and +diffident even to a degree of bashfulness, through which, however, +I could discern a delicate sensibility and uncommon understanding. +There was in his person, which was very agreeable, as well as in +his behaviour, a certain naivete that was very pleasing; and, at +this first interview, we relished each other's company so well, +that a sort of intimacy immediately commenced, and was carried on +in a succession of parties of pleasure, in the course of which I +found him fraught with all the tenderness and sentiment that render +the heart susceptible of the most refined love; a disposition that +immediately made me partial to him, while it subjected his own +heart to all the violent impressions of a passion, which I little +imagined our correspondence would have produced. + +"Nevertheless, I was far from being displeased with my conquest, +because his person and qualifications, as well as his manner +of address, were very much to my liking, and recommended him in a +particular manner to my affection. Indeed, he made greater progress +in my heart than I myself suspected; for there was something +congenial in our souls, which, from our first meeting, I believe, +had attracted us, unknown to ourselves, under the notions of friendship +and regard, and now disclosed itself in the most passionate love. + +"I listened to his addresses, and we were truly happy. His +attachment was the quintessence of tenderness and sincerity, while +his generosity knew no bounds. Not contented with having paid twelve +hundred pounds on my account, in the space of one fortnight, he +would have loaded me with present after present, had I not absolutely +refused to accept such expensive marks of his munificence. I +was even mortified at those instances of his liberality, which my +situation compelled me to receive, lest, being but little acquainted +with my disposition, he should suspect me of being interested in +my love, and judge my conduct by the malicious reports of common +fame, which, he afterwards owned, had at first obtained such credit +with him, that he believed our mutual attachment would not be of +long duration. But, in this particular, he was soon undeceived. +His heart, though naturally adapted for the melting passion, had +hitherto escaped untouched by all the ladies of Italy and France; +and, therefore, the first impressions were the more deeply fixed. +As he was unpractised in the ways of common gallantry and deceit, +the striking simplicity in his character was the more likely +to engage the heart of one who knew the perfidy of the world, and +despised all the farce and bombast of fashionable profession, which +I had always considered as the phrase of vanity and ostentation, +rather than the genuine language of love. Besides, gratitude had +a considerable share in augmenting my affection, which manifested +itself in such a warm, cordial, artless manner, as increased his +esteem, and riveted his attachment; for he could easily perceive, +from the whole tenor of my conduct, that my breast was an utter +stranger to craft and dissimulation; yet I was at first fearful of +contracting any engagement with him, because, being younger than +me, he might be more apt to change, and the world might be malicious +enough to suppose I had practised upon his inexperience; but, +conscious of my own integrity, I set slander at defiance, trusting +to my own behaviour, and his natural probity, for the continuance +of his love. Though we did not live together in the same house, +the greatest part of our time was spent in each other's company; +we dined and supped at the same table, frequented public places, +went upon parties to the country, and never parted, but for a few +hours in the night, which we passed in the utmost impatience to +meet again. + +"In this agreeable manner did the days roll on, when my felicity +was interrupted by a fit of jealousy with which I happened to +be seized. I had contracted an acquaintance with a young married +lady, who, though her personal attractions were but slender, was +upon the whole an agreeable, cheerful, good-natured companion, +with a little dash of the coquette in her composition. This woman +being in very indigent circumstances, occasioned by some losses +her husband had sustained, no sooner had an opportunity of seeing +and conversing with my lover, than she formed the design of making +a conquest of him. I should have forgiven her for this scheme, +whatever pangs it might have cost me, had I believed it the effect +of real passion; but I knew her too well to suppose her heart was +susceptible of love, and accordingly resented it. In the execution +of her plan, she neglected nothing which she thought capable of +engaging his attention. She took all opportunities of sitting near +him at table, ogled him in the most palpable manner, directed her +whole discourse to him, trod upon his toes; nay, I believe, squeezed +his hand. My blood boiled at her, though my pride, for some time, +enabled me to conceal my uneasiness; till at length her behaviour +became so arrogant and gross, that I could no longer suppress my +indignation, and one day told my lover that I would immediately +renounce his correspondence. + +"He was greatly alarmed at this unexpected declaration; and, when +he understood the cause of it, assured me, that, for the future, he +would never exchange one word with her. Satisfied with this mark +of his sincerity and regard, I released him from his promise, which +he could not possibly keep, while she and I lived upon any terms; +and we continued to visit each other as usual, though she still +persisted in her endeavours to rival me in his affection, and +contracted an intimacy with his companion, who seemed to entertain +a passion for her, that she might have the more frequent opportunities +of being among us; for she had no objection against favouring the +addresses of both. One evening, I remember, we set out in my coach +for the opera; and, in the way, this inamorata was so busy with her +feet, that I was incensed at her behaviour; and, when we arrived +at the place, refused to alight; but, setting them down, declared +my intention of returning home immediately. She was so much pleased +with this intimation, that she could not conceal the joy she felt +at the thoughts of conversing with him, uninterrupted by my presence; +an opportunity with which I had never favoured her before. This open +exultation increased my anger and anxiety. I went home; but, being +still tortured with the reflection of having left them together, +adjusted myself in the glass, though I was too angry to take notice +of my own figure, and without further delay returned to the opera. + +"Having inquired for the box in which they sat, I took possession +of one that fronted them, and, reconnoitring them, without being +perceived, had the satisfaction of seeing him removed to as great +a distance from her as the place would permit, and his head turned +another way. Composed by this examination, I joined them without +further scruple, when my young gentleman expressed great joy +at my appearance, and told me he was determined to have left the +entertainment, and come in quest of me, had I not returned at that +instant. + +"In our way homewards, my rival repeated her usual hints, and with +her large hoop almost overshadowed my lover from my view; upon which +my jealousy and wrath recurred with such violence, that I pulled +the string as a signal for the coachman to stop, with a view of +getting out, and going home afoot; a step which would have afforded +a new spectacle to the people of Paris. But I reflected in a moment +upon the folly of such a resolution, and soon recollected myself, +by calling my pride to my assistance. I determined, however, that +she should act no more scenes of this kind in my presence, and +that same night insisted upon my lover's dropping all intercourse +and connection with this tormentor. He very cheerfully complied +with my desire, and was even glad of an occasion to break off his +acquaintance with a person about whom I had plagued him so much. + +"Thus was I freed from the persecution of one of those creatures, +who, though of little consequence in themselves, are yet the pests +of society, and find means to destroy that harmony which reigns +between two lovers, by the intrusion of a loose appetite, void of +all sensibility and discretion; having no feelings themselves, they +cannot sympathize with those of other people; and do mischief out +of mere wantonness. + +"My lover being obliged to go to England, had settled me in a +genteel house in Paris, with a view of returning when his affairs +should be adjusted; but, when the time of his departure approached, +he began to be uneasy at the prospect of separation, and, in order +to alleviate his anxiety, desired me to accompany him to Calais, +where we stayed together three or four days, during which the dread +of parting became more and more intense; so that we determined +upon my following him into England at the first opportunity, where +I should live altogether incog. that I might be concealed from the +inquiries and attempts of my lord. Even after this resolution was +fixed, we parted with all the agonies of lovers who despair of +ever meeting again; and the wind blowing very high after he had +embarked, increased my fears. But, by the return of the packet-boat +I was blessed with the report of his being safe arrived in England, +and had the satisfaction of perusing his letters by every post. + +"My admirer being thus detached from me, my thoughts were entirely +employed in concerting some private method of conveying myself to +him. As I would not trust myself in the common packet, for fear of +being discovered, after having revolved divers schemes, I determined +to transport myself in one of the Dutch fishing-boats, though I knew +the passage would be hazardous; but, in a case of such interesting +concern, I overlooked all danger and inconvenience. Before I +put this resolution in practice, I was so fortunate as to hear of +a small English vessel, that arrived in Calais with a prisoner of +war, in which I embarked, with my companion and another lady, who +lived with me for some time afterwards; and, when we came on board, +discovered that the ship was no other than a light collier, and that +her whole company amounted to no more than three men. Nevertheless, +though the sea was so rough, and the weather so unpromising, that +no other boat would venture to put to sea, we set sail, and, between +two storms, in about three hours arrived in safety in Dover. + +"From hence my first companion went to her friends in the stage-coach, +while the other lady and I hired an open post-chaise, though it +snowed very hard, and, without any accident, performed our journey +to London, where I met with my lover, who flew to my arms in all +the transports of impatient joy; and, doubtless, I deserved his +affection for the hardships, perils, and difficulties I had undergone +to be with him; for I never scrupled to undertake anything practicable, +in order to demonstrate the sincerity of what I professed. In +consequence of our plan, I assumed a fictitious name, and never +appeared in public, being fully satisfied and happy in the company +and conversation of the man I loved; and, when he went into the +country, contented myself with his correspondence, which he punctually +maintained, in a series of letters, equally sensible, sincere, and +affectionate. + +"Upon his return to town for the remainder of the season, he devoted +the greatest part of his time to our mutual enjoyment; left me with +reluctance, when he was called away by indispensable business, and +the civility which was due to his acquaintance, and very seldom +went to any place of public entertainment, because I could not +accompany and share with him in the diversion; nay, so much did I +engross his attention, that one evening, after he had been teased +into an agreement of meeting some friends at a play, he went thither +precisely at the appointed hour, and, as they did not arrive +punctually at the very minute, he returned to me immediately, +as much rejoiced at his escape as if he had met with some signal +deliverance. Nor was his constancy inferior to the ardour of his +love. We went once together to a ball in the Haymarket, where, in +the midst of a thousand fine women, whose charms were enhanced by +the peculiarity of the dresses they wore, he remained unshaken, +unseduced, preserving his attachment for me in spite of all +temptation. + +"In the summer, he provided me with a house in the neighbourhood +of his own; but the accommodations being bad, and that country +affording no other place fit for my residence, he brought me home +to his own seat, and, by that step, raised such a universal clamour; +though I saw no company, and led such a solitary life, that nothing +but excessive love could have supported my spirits. Not but that +he gave me as much of his time as he could possibly spare from the +necessary duties of paying and receiving visits, together with the +avocations of hunting, and other country amusements, which I could +not partake. Formerly, indeed, I used to hunt and shoot, but I +had left off both, so that I was now reduced to the alternative of +reading and walking by myself; but love made up for all deficiencies +to me, who think nothing else worth the living for. Had I been +blessed with a partner for life, who could have loved sincerely, +and inspired me with a mutual flame, I would have asked no more +of fate. Interest and ambition have no share in my composition; +love, which is pleasure, or pleasure, which is love, makes up the +whole. A heart so disposed cannot be devoid of other good qualities; +it must be subject to the impressions of humanity and benevolence, +and enemy to nothing but itself. This you will give me leave to +affirm, in justice to myself, as I have frankly owned my failings +and misconduct. + +"Towards the end of summer, my heart was a little alarmed by a +report that prevailed, of my lover's being actually engaged in a +treaty of marriage; however, I gave little credit to this rumour +till I was obliged to go to town about business, and there I heard +the same information confidently affirmed. Though I still considered +it as a vague surmise, I wrote to him an account of what I had +heard; and, in his answer, which is still in my possession, he +assured me, with repeated vows and protestations, that the report +was altogether false. Satisfied with this declaration, I returned +to his house; and, though the tale was incessantly thundered in my +ears, still believed it void of all foundation, till my suspicion +was awakened by a very inconsiderable circumstance. + +"One day, on his return from hunting, I perceived he had a very +fine pair of Dresden ruffles on his shirt, which I could not suppose +he would wear at such a rustic exercise; and, therefore, my fears +took the alarm. When I questioned him about this particular of his +dress, his colour changed; and though he attempted to elude my +suspicion, by imputing it to a mistake of his servant, I could not +rest satisfied with this account of the matter, but inquired into +the truth with such eagerness and penetration, that he could not +deny he had been to make a visit. By degrees, I even extorted from +him a confession, that he had engaged himself further than he ought +to have proceeded, without making me acquainted with his design, +though he endeavoured to excuse his conduct, and pacify my displeasure, +by saying, that the affair would not be brought to bear for a great +while, and, perhaps, might never come to a determination but he +was in great confusion, and, indeed, hardly knew what he said. + +"I would have quitted his house that moment, had not he beforehand +obtained a promise that I would take no rash resolution of that +kind, and put it out of my power to procure any method of conveyance +by which I could make my retreat. I gave no vent to reproaches, +but only upbraided him with his having permitted me to return, in +ignorance, to the country, after I was once fairly gone; upon which +he swore that he could not bear the thoughts of parting with me. +This declaration was a mystery at that time, but I have been since +so fully satisfied of his reasons for his conduct, that I heartily +acquit him of all injustice to me. And, indeed, it is my sincere +opinion, that, if ever young man deserved to be happy, he is +certainly entitled to that privilege; and, if I may be allowed to +judge, has a heart susceptible of the most refined enjoyment. + +"The violence of the grief and consternation which I suffered from +this stroke having a little subsided, I deliberated with myself about +the measures I should take, and determined to leave his house some +day when he should be abroad. I was encouraged in this resolution +by the advice of our Scotch friend, who came about this time from +London, on a visit to his fellow-traveller. We thought such an +abrupt departure would be less shocking than to stay and take a +formal leave of my lover, whose heart was of such a delicate frame, +that, after I told him I should one day withdraw myself in his +absence, he never came home from the chase, or any other avocation, +without trembling with apprehension that I had escaped. + +"After he had been some time accustomed to these fears by my previous +intimation, I at length decamped in good earnest, though my heart +ached upon the occasion, because I left him loving and beloved; for +his affection was evident, notwithstanding the step he had taken +by the advice and importunity of all his relations, who laid a +disagreeable restraint upon his inclinations, while they consulted +his interest in every other particular. + +"While I halted in the next great town, until I could be supplied +with fresh horses, I was visited by a gentleman who had been +formerly intimate with my lover; but a breach had happened in +their friendship, and he now came to complain of the treatment he +had received. Perceiving that I was not in a humour to listen to +his story, he shifted the conversation to my own, and observed, +that I had been extremely ill-used. I told him that I was of a +different opinion; that it was not only just, but expedient, that +a young man of Mr. --'s fortune should think of making some alliance +to strengthen and support the interest of his family; and that I +had nothing to accuse him of but his letting me remain so long in +ignorance of his intention. He then gave me to understand, that I +was still ignorant of a great part of the ill-usage I had received; +affirming, that, while I lived in his house, he had amused himself +with all the common women in that town, to some of whom this +gentleman had personally introduced him. + +"At first, I could not believe this imputation; but he supported +his assertion with so many convincing circumstances, that I could +no longer doubt the truth of them; and I felt so much resentment, +that my love vanished immediately into air. Instead of proceeding +on my journey to London, I went back a considerable way, and sent +a message desiring to see him in a little house, about midway between +his own habitation and the town from whence I came. He obeyed my +summons, and appeared at the place appointed, where I reproached +him with great bitterness. He pleaded guilty to the charge, so far +as acknowledging that he had corresponded with other women lately, +in order to get the better of his affection for me, but the experiment +had failed, and he found that he should be for ever miserable. + +"I did not look upon this candid confession as a sufficient atonement +for his past dissimulation, and, in the sharpness of my revenge, +demanded a settlement, which he peremptorily refused; so that for +the present we held each other in the utmost contempt. Indeed, I +afterwards despised myself for my condescension, which was owing to +the advice of my companion, supported and inflamed by the spirit +of resentment. Nevertheless, he begged that I would return to +his house, or stay all night where I was; but I was deaf to his +entreaties, and, after a great deal of ironical civility on my side, +I took my leave, and went away; yet, before I set out, I looked +back, and saw him on horseback, with such an air of simplicity and +truth, as called up a profound sigh, notwithstanding all that had +passed in our conversation. + +"Upon my arrival in London, I took lodgings in Leicester-fields, +and answered a letter which I had some months before received from +my lord, telling him that I would go home to him, without stipulating +for any terms, to try what effect my confidence would have upon +his generosity. He readily embraced the offer, and took a house in +St. James's-street, where I proposed to comply with his humour in +everything that was consistent with my own peace and tranquility. + +"Meanwhile, my lover passed his time very disagreeably in the +country, with his friend, of whom, it seems, he had conceived some +jealousy, which was increased by a letter I wrote to that gentleman, +till he was made acquainted with the contents, which he read over +forty times; and then his passion breaking out with more violence +than ever, he not only expressed his feeling, in an epistle which +I immediately received, but when he came to town suffered such +agonies of despair as I had never seen before, except in Lord B--. +It was then in my power to have taken ample revenge upon him, as +well as upon my insolent rival, who had insisted upon my leaving +his house in a very abrupt manner, though he absolutely refused to +gratify her malice, for he was now disposed to do anything for my +satisfaction. But I knew his worth, and had too much regard for +his reputation to advise him to act inconsistent with his honour. + +"About this time, many tender feelings and sorrowful partings +happened between us, till the marriage knot was tied, when he sent +me a bank-note for a thousand pounds, by way of specimen, as he +called it, of his friendship, and of what he would do for me, should +I ever want his assistance. This mark of his generosity I received +in a most tender billet, which I shall never part with, together +with his picture set in diamonds. + +"I now employed my thoughts in keeping measures with my lord; we +lay in the same apartment, and for the first four or five months +I neither dined nor supped abroad above twice; and then he knew +where I was, and approved of my company. But all this complacency +and circumspection had no effect upon his temper, which remained +as capricious and dissatisfied as ever. Nay, to such a provoking +degree did this unhappy humour prevail, that one day, in the +presence of his lawyer, he harangued upon my misconduct since our +last reunion; and very freely affirmed, that every step I had taken +was diametrically opposite to his will. + +"Conscious of the pains I had been at to please him, I was so incensed +at these unjust invectives, that, starting up, I told him he was +a little dirty fellow; and would have left the house immediately, +had not his lawyer, and others, who were in the room, interposed, +and by dint of argument and importunity diverted me from my purpose. +By the bye, I have been informed by a person of rank, that my lord +discovered exactly the same disposition in his father's lifetime, +and only changed the subject of his complaint from the word father +to that of wife. Indeed, he takes all opportunities of plaguing my +dear parent, as he has just sagacity enough to know, that this is +the most effectual way he can take to distress me. + +"After repeated trials, I have given up all hopes of making him +happy, or of finding myself easy in my situation, and live with him +at present to avoid a greater inconvenience. Not that his ill-nature +is all the grievance of which I complain; exclusive of the personal +disgust I entertain for him, his folly is of that species which +disobliges rather than diverts, and his vanity and affectation +altogether intolerable; for he actually believes himself, or at +least would impose himself upon mankind, as a pattern of gallantry +and taste; and, in point of business. a person of infinite sagacity +and penetration. But the most ridiculous part of his character is +his pretended talent for politics, in which he so deeply concerns +himself, that he has dismissed many a good servant, because +he suspected him of having wrong connections; a theme upon which +he has often quarrelled with me, even almost to parting, accusing +me with holding correspondence with the earls of B-- and C--, and +Mr. H-- V--, though I never had the least acquaintance with any of +these gentlemen, except the earl of C--, to whom I have not spoken +these ten years past. + +"In short, I have often been at a loss to know, whether he was more +mad and malicious in those fits of enthusiasm, wherein he seemed +transported with zeal for the commonwealth, and tormented me with +his admonitions out of all temper and patience. At length, however, +I contrived an expedient which freed me from these troublesome +expostulations, and silenced him effectually on the score of politics. +This was no other than an open avowal of being connected with all +those people whom I have named. Indeed, I knew him too well to +believe there was anything solid in his intention or professions, +even when he carried himself so far as to demand a private audience +of the k--, in order to communicate a scheme for suppressing +the rebellion; and that being denied, solicited the duke of D--'s +interest, for permission to raise and head a regiment of Kentish +smugglers. Nay, to such a pitch did his loyalty soar, that he +purchased a firelock of particular mechanism, calculated for the +safety of the bearer, in case he had been placed sentinel at his +Majesty's door, and kept his horses ready caparisoned, with a view +of attending his sovereign to the field. Notwithstanding all these +pompous preparations, had he been put to the proof, he would have +infallibly crept out of his engagements, through some sneaking +evasion, his imagination being very fertile in such saving pretences. +Yet he will talk sometimes so fervently, and even sensibly, on the +subject, that a stranger would mistake him for a man of understanding, +and determined zeal for the good of his country. + +"Since my last return to his house, that act of parliament passed, +by which he was enabled to pay his debts, and, among the rest, a +thousand pounds of my contracting, the only burden of that kind I +ever entailed upon him, exclusive of my pin-money, which was never +regularly paid; nor would he have been subject to this, had he +not, by his persecution and pursuit, exposed me to an extraordinary +expense. I have also had it in my power to reward some of my +faithful Abigails; in particular, to relieve from extreme distress +that maid to whom, as I have already observed, Lord B-- granted an +annuity, which she had sold: so that she was reduced to the most +abject poverty; and I found her in a dismal hole, with two infants +perishing for want; a spectacle which drew tears from my eyes, and +indeed could not but make deep impression upon a heart like mine, +which the misery of my fellow-creatures never failed to melt. + +"Nor did I upon this occasion forget the attachment and fidelity +of my other woman Mrs. S--, who, hearing I was robbed in my passage +through Flanders, had generously relinquished the allowance I had +settled upon her at parting. The exercise of such acts of humanity +and benevolence, and the pleasure of seeing my dear and tender +parent often, in some measure alleviate the chagrin to which I am +subject from the disagreeable disposition of my lord, who, consistent +with his former inconsistency, upon our last reconciliation, +cheerfully agreed to a proposal I made of having concerts in the +house, and even approved of the scheme with marks of particular +satisfaction. But, before one half of the winter was expired, he +found means to banish all the company, beginning with Lord R-- B--, +who, as he walked up-stairs one evening, was stopped by a footman, +who plainly told him he had orders to say to him in particular, +that his lordship was not at home; yet the very next day, perceiving +that nobleman and me walking together in the park, he joins us +with an air of alacrity, as if no such thing had happened, and even +behaved to Lord R-- with the most fawning complaisance. His deportment +was equally absurd and impertinent to the rest of his friends, +who forsook us gradually, being tired of maintaining any friendly +communication with such a disagreeable composition of ignorance and +arrogance. For my own part, I look upon him as utterly incorrigible; +and, as fate has subjected me to his power, endeavour to make the +bitter draught go down, by detaching myself as much as possible +from the supposition that there is any such existence upon earth. +Indeed, if I had not fatal experience to the contrary, I should be +apt to believe that such a character is not to be found among the +sons of men; because his conduct is altogether unaccountable by +the known rules and maxims of life, and falls entirely under the +poet's observation, when he says, + +"'Tis true, no meaning puzzles more than wit." + +Her ladyship having thus concluded her story, to the entertainment +of the company, and the admiration of Peregrine, who expressed his +astonishment at the variety of adventures she had undergone, which +was such as he thought sufficient to destroy the most hardy and +robust constitution, and therefore infinitely more than enough to +overwhelm one of her delicate frame; one of the gentlemen present +roundly taxed her with want of candour, in suppressing some circumstances +of her life, which he thought essential in the consideration of +her character. + +She reddened at this peremptory charge, which had an evident effect +upon the countenances of the whole audience, when the accuser +proceeded to explain his imputation, by observing, that, in the +course of her narration, she had omitted to mention a thousand acts +of uncommon charity, of which he himself knew her to be guilty; +and that she had concealed a great many advantageous proposals of +marriage, which she might have accepted before she was engaged. + +The company were agreeably undeceived by this explanation; which +her ladyship acknowledged in very polite terms, as a compliment +equally genteel and unexpected. And our hero, after having testified +the sense he had of her complaisance and condescension, in regaling +him with a mark of her confidence and esteem, took his leave, and +went home in a state of confusion and perplexity; for, from the +circumstances of the tale he had heard, he plainly perceived, that +her ladyship's heart was too delicate to receive such incense as +he, in the capacity of an admirer, could at present pay; because, +though he had in some measure abridged the empire of Emilia in his own +breast, it was not in his own power to restrain it so effectually, +but that it would interfere with any other sovereign whom his +thoughts should adopt; and unless Lady -- could engross his whole +love, time, and attention, he foresaw that it would be impossible +for him to support the passion which he might have the good fortune +to inspire. He was, moreover, deterred from declaring his love, +by the fate of her former admirers, who seemed to have been wound +up to a degree of enthusiasm, that looked more like the effect of +enchantment, than the inspiration of human attractions; an ecstasy +of passion which he durst not venture to undergo. He, therefore, +resolved to combat with the impressions he had already received, +and, if possible, cultivate her friendship without soliciting her +affection. But, before he could fix upon this determination, he +desired to know the footing on which he stood in her opinion; and, +by the intelligence of Crabtree, obtained in the usual manner, +understood that her sentiments of him were very favourable, though +without the least tincture of love. He would have been transported +with joy, had her thoughts of him been of a more tender texture; +though his reason was better pleased with the information he +received; in consequence of which he mustered up the ideas of his +first passion, and set them in opposition to those of this new +and dangerous attachment; by which means he kept the balance in +equilibrio, and his bosom tolerably quiet. + + + + + +CHAPTER LXXXII. + + + + +He persuades Cadwallader to assume the Character of a Magician, in +which he acquires a great Share of Reputation, by his Responses to +three Females of Distinction, who severally consult the Researches +of his Art. + + +His heart being thus, as it were, suspended between two objects +that lessened the force of each other's attraction, he took this +opportunity of enjoying some respite, and for the present detached +his sentiments from both, resolving to indulge himself in the exercise +of that practical satire which was so agreeable and peculiar in +his disposition. In this laudable determination he was confirmed +by the repeated suggestions of his friend Cadwallader, who taxed +him with letting his talents rust in indolence, and stimulated +his natural vivacity with a succession of fresh discoveries in the +world of scandal. + +Peregrine was now seized with a strange whim, and when he communicated +the conceit to Cadwallader, it in a moment acquired his approbation. +This notion he imparted in a proposal to subject the town to their +ridicule, by giving responses to the character of a professed +conjurer, to be personated by the old misanthrope, whose aspect was +extremely well calculated for the purpose. The plan was immediately +adjusted in all its parts; an apartment hired in a house accommodated +with a public stair, so that people might have free ingress and +egress, without being exposed to observation; and, this tenement +being furnished with the apparatus of a magician, such as globes, +telescopes, a magic-lanthorn, a skeleton, a dried monkey together +with the skins of an alligator, otter, and snake, the conjurer +himself took possession of his castle, after having distributed +printed advertisements containing the particulars of his undertaking. + +These bills soon operated according to the wish of the projectors. +As the price of the oracle was fixed at half a guinea, the public +naturally concluded that the author was no common fortune-teller; +and, the very next day, Peregrine found some ladies of his quality +acquaintance infected with the desire of making an experiment upon +the skill of this new conjurer, who pretended to be just arrived +from the Mogul's empire, where he had learned the art from a Brachman +philosopher. Our young gentleman affected to talk of the pretensions +of this sage with ridicule and contempt, and with seeming reluctance +undertook to attend them to his apartment, observing, that it +would be a very easy matter to detect the fellow's ignorance, and +no more than common justice to chastise him for his presumption. +Though he could easily perceive a great fund of credulity in the +company, they affected to espouse his opinion, and, under the notion +of a frolic, agreed that one particular lady should endeavour to +baffle his art, by appearing before him in the dress of her woman, +who should at the same time personate her mistress, and be treated +as such by our adventurer, who promised to squire them to the place. +These measures being concerted, and the appointment fixed for the +next audience-day, Peregrine furnished his friend with the necessary +information, and, when the hour of assignation arrived, conducted +his charge to this oraculous seer. + +They were admitted by our hero's valet-de-chambre, whose visage, +being naturally meagre and swarthy, was adorned with artificial +whiskers; so that he became the Persian dress which he wore, +and seemed a very proper master of the ceremonies to an Oriental +necromancer. Having crossed his arms upon his breasts, with an +inclination of the head, he stalked in solemn silence before them +into the penetralia of the temple, where they found the conjurer +sitting at a table, provided with pen, ink, and paper, divers books, +mathematical instruments, and a long white wand lying across the +whole. He was habited in a black gown and fur cap. His countenance, +over and above a double proportion of philosophic gravity, which +he had assumed for the occasion, was improved by a thick beard, +white as snow, that reached to his middle, and upon each shoulder +sat a prodigious large black cat which had been tutored for the +purpose. + +Such a figure, which would have startled Peregrine himself, had +not he been concerned in the mystery, could not fail to make an +impression upon those whom he accompanied. The fictitious chambermaid, +in spite of all her natural pertness and vivacity, changed colour +when she entered the room, while the pretended lady, whose intellects +were not quite so enlightened, began to tremble in every joint, +and ejaculate petitions to Heaven for her safety. Their conductor, +advancing to the table, presented his offering, and, pointing to +the maid, told him, that lady desired to know what would be her +destiny in point of marriage. The philosopher, without lifting +up his eyes to view the person in whose behalf he was consulted, +turned his ear to one of the sable familiars that purred upon his +shoulder, and, taking up the pen, wrote upon a detached slip of +paper these words, which Peregrine, at the desire of the ladies, +repeated aloud: "Her destiny will, in a great measure, depend upon +what happened to her about nine o'clock in the morning on the third +day of last December." + +This sentence was no sooner pronounced, than the counterfeit lady +screamed, and ran into the ante-chamber, exclaiming, "Christ have +mercy upon us! Sure he is the devil incarnate!" Her mistress, who +followed her with great consternation, insisted upon knowing the +transaction to which the response alluded; and Mrs. Abigail, after +some recollection, gave her to understand that she had an admirer, +who, on that very hour and day mentioned by the cunning man, had +addressed himself to her in a serious proposal of marriage. This +explanation, however, was more ingenious than candid, for the admirer +was no other than the identical Mr. Pickle himself, who was a mere +dragon among the chambermaids, and, in his previous information +communicated to his associate, had given an account of this assignation, +with which he had been favoured by the damsel in question. + +Our hero seeing his company very much affected with the circumstance +of the wizard's art, which had almost frightened both mistress +and maid into hysteric fits, pretended to laugh them out of their +fears, by observing, that there was nothing extraordinary in this +instance of his knowledge, which might have been acquired by some of +those secret emissaries whom such impostors are obliged to employ +for intelligence, or imparted by the lover himself, who had, perhaps, +come to consult him about the success of his amour. Encouraged by +this observation, or rather prompted by an insatiable curiosity, +which was proof against all sorts of apprehension, the disguised +lady returned to the magician's own apartment, and, assuming the +air of a pert chambermaid, "Mr. Conjurer," said she, "now you have +satisfied my mistress, will you be as good as to tell me if ever I +shall be married?" The sage, without the least hesitation, favoured +her with an answer, in the following words: "You cannot be married +before you are a widow; and whether or not that will ever be +the case, is a question which my art cannot resolve, because my +foreknowledge exceeds not the term of thirty years." + +This reply, which at once cut her off from her pleasing prospect of +seeing herself independent in the enjoyment of youth and fortune, +in a moment clouded her aspect; all her good-humour was overcast, +and she went away, without further inquiry, muttering in the rancour +of her chagrin, that he was a silly impertinent fellow, and a mere +quack in his profession. Notwithstanding the prejudice of this +resentment, her conviction soon recurred; and when the report of +his answers was made to those confederates by whom she had been +deputed to make trial of his skill, they were universally persuaded +that his art was altogether supernatural, though each affected to +treat it with contempt, resolving in her own breast to have recourse +to him in private. + +In the meantime, the maid, though laid under the most peremptory +injunctions of secrecy, was so full of the circumstance which +related to her own conduct, that she extolled his prescience, in +whispers, to all acquaintances, assuring them, that he had told +her all the particulars of her life; so that his fame was almost +instantaneously conveyed, through a thousand different channels, +to all parts of the town; and, the very next time he assumed the +chair, his doors were besieged by curious people of all sects and +denominations. + +Being an old practitioner in this art, Cadwallader knew it would +be impossible for him to support his reputation in the promiscuous +exercise of fortune-telling, because every person that should come +to consult him would expect a sample of his skill relating to things +past; and it could not be supposed that he was acquainted with the +private concerns of every individual who might apply to him for that +purpose. He, therefore, ordered his minister, whom he distinguished +by the name of Hadgi Rourk, to signify to all those who demanded +entrance, that his price was half a guinea; and that all such as +were not disposed to gratify him with that consideration, would do +well to leave the passage free for the rest. + +This declaration succeeded to his wish; for this congregation +consisted chiefly of footmen, chambermaids, prentices, and the lower +class of tradesmen, who could not afford to purchase prescience +at such a price; so that, after fruitless offers of shillings and +half-crowns, they dropped off one by one, and left the field open +for customers of a higher rank. + +The first person of this species who appeared was dressed like the +wife of a substantial tradesman; but this disguise could not screen +her from the penetration of the conjurer, who at first sight knew +her to be one of the ladies of whose coming he had been apprised +by Peregrine, on the supposition that their curiosity was rather +inflamed than allayed by the intelligence they had received from +his first client. This lady approached the philosopher with that +intrepidity of countenance so conspicuous in matrons of her dignified +sphere, and, in a soft voice, asked with a simper, of what complexion +her next child would be? The necromancer, who was perfectly well +acquainted with her private history, forthwith delivered his response +in the following question, written in the usual form: "How long +has Pompey the black been dismissed from your ladyship's service?" + +Endued as she was with a great share of that fortitude which is +distinguished by the appellation of effrontery, her face exhibited +some signs of shame and confusion at the receipt of this oracular +interrogation, by which she was convinced of his extraordinary +intelligence; and, accosting him in a very serious tone, "Doctor," +said she, "I perceive you are a person of great abilities in the +art you profess; and therefore, without pretending to dissemble, +I will own you have touched the true string of my apprehensions. +I am persuaded I need not be more particular in my inquiries. Here +is a purse of money; take it, and deliver me from a most alarming and +uneasy suspense." So saying, she deposited her offering upon the +table, and waited for his answer, with a face of fearful expectation, +while he was employed in writing this sentence for her perusal: +"Though I see into the womb of time, the prospect is not perfectly +distinct: the seeds of future events lie mingled and confused. So +that I am under the necessity of assisting my divination in some +cases, by analogy and human intelligence; and cannot possibly +satisfy your present doubts, unless you will condescend to make me +privy to all those occurrences which you think might have interfered +with the cause of your apprehension." + +The lady having read the declaration, affected a small emotion of +shyness and repugnance, and, seating herself upon a settee, after +having cautiously informed herself of the privacy of the apartment, +gave such a detail of the succession of her lovers, as amazed, while +it entertained, the necromancer, as well as his friend Pickle, who, +from a closet in which he had concealed himself, overheard every +syllable of her confession. Cadwallader listened to her story with +a look of infinite importance and sagacity, and, after a short +pause, told her, that he would not pretend to give a categorical +answer, until he should have deliberated maturely upon the various +circumstances of the affair; but, if she would take the trouble of +honouring him with another visit on his next public day, he hoped +he should be able to give her full satisfaction. Conscious of +the importance of her doubts, she could not help commending his +caution, and took her leave, with a promise of returning at the +appointed time. Then the conjurer being joined by his associate, +they gave a loose to their mirth, which having indulged, they began +to concert measures for inflicting some disgraceful punishment on +the shameless and insatiate termagant who had so impudently avowed +her own prostitution. + +They were interrupted, however, in their conference, by the arrival +of a new guest, who being announced by Hadgi, our hero retreated +to his lurking-place, and Cadwallader resumed his mysterious +appearance. This new client, though she hid her face in a mask, +could not conceal herself from the knowledge of the conjurer, who, +by her voice, recognised her to be an unmarried lady of his own +acquaintance. She had, within a small compass of time, made herself +remarkable for two adventures, which had not at all succeeded +to her expectation. Being very much addicted to play, she had, at +a certain rout, indulged that passion to such excess, as not only +got the better of her justice, but also of her circumspection, so +that she was unfortunately detected in her endeavours to appropriate +to herself what was not lawfully her due. This small slip was +attended with another indiscretion, which had likewise an unlucky +effect upon her reputation. She had been favoured with the addresses +of one of those hopeful heirs who swarm and swagger about town, +under the denomination of bucks; and, in the confidence of his +honour, consented to be one of a party that made an excursion as far +as Windsor, thinking herself secured from scandal by the company of +another young lady, who had also condescended to trust her person +to the protection of her admirer. The two gallants, in the course +of this expedition, were said to use the most perfidious means to +intoxicate the passions of their mistresses by mixing drugs with +their wine, which inflamed their constitutions to such a degree, that +they fell an easy sacrifice to the appetites of their conductors, +who, upon their return to town, were so base and inhuman as to boast +among their companions of the exploit they had achieved. Thus the +story was circulated, with a thousand additional circumstances to +the prejudice of the sufferers, one of whom had thought proper to +withdraw into the country, until the scandal raised at her expense +should subside; while the other, who was not so easily put out +of countenance, resolved to outface the report, as a treacherous +aspersion, invented by her lover as an excuse for his own inconstancy; +and actually appeared in public, as usual, till she found herself +neglected by the greatest part of her acquaintance. + +In consequence of this disgrace, which she knew not whether to +impute to the card affair, or to the last faux pas she had committed, +she now came to consult the conjurer, and signified her errand, by +asking whether the cause of her present disquiet was of the town or +the country. Cadwallader at once perceiving her allusion, answered +her question in these terms: "This honest world will forgive a +young gamester for indiscretion at play, but a favour granted to +a babbling coxcomb is an unpardonable offence." This response she +received with equal astonishment and chagrin; and, fully convinced +of the necromancer's omniscience, implored his advice, touching +the retrieval of her reputation: upon which he counselled her to +wed with the first opportunity. She seemed so well pleased with his +admonition, that she gratified him with a double fee, and, dropping +a low curtsey, retired. + +Our undertakers now thought it high time to silence the oracle for +the day, and Hadgi was accordingly ordered to exclude all comers, +while Peregrine and his friend renewed the deliberations which had +been interrupted, and settled a plan of operations for the next +occasion. Meanwhile it was resolved that Hadgi should not only +exercise his own talents, but also employ inferior agents, in +procuring general intelligence for the support of their scheme; that +the expense of this ministry should be defrayed from the profits +of their professions; and the remainder be distributed to poor +families in distress. + + + + + +CHAPTER LXXXIII. + + + + +Peregrine and his friend Cadwallader proceed in the Exercise of +the Mystery of Fortune-telling, in the course of which they achieve +various Adventures. + + +These preliminaries being adjusted, our hero forthwith repaired to +a card assembly, which was frequented by some of the most notable +gossips in town, and, having artfully turned the conversation upon +the subject of the fortune-teller, whose talents he pretended to +ridicule, incensed their itch of knowing secrets to such a degree +of impatience, that their curiosity became flagrant, and he took +it for granted, that all or some of them would visit Albumazar on +his very first visiting-day. While Peregrine was thus engaged, his +associate made his appearance in another convocation of fashionable +people, where he soon had the pleasure of hearing the conjurer +brought upon the carpet by an elderly gentlewoman, remarkable for +her inquisitive disposition, who, addressing herself to Cadwallader, +asked, by the help of the finger-alphabet, if he knew anything of +the magician that made such a noise in town. The misanthrope answered, +as usual, in a surly tone: "By your question you must either take +me for a pimp or an idiot. What, in the name of nonsense, should +I know of such a rascal, unless I were to court his acquaintance +with a view to feast my own spleen, in seeing him fool the whole +nation out of their money? Though, I suppose, his chief profits +arise from his practice, in quality of pander. All fortune-tellers +are bawds, and, for that reason, are so much followed by people of +fashion. This fellow, I warrant, has got sundry convenient apartments +for the benefit of procreation; for it is not to be supposed that +those who visit him on the pretence of consulting his supernatural +art, can be such fools, such drivellers, as to believe that he can +actually prognosticate future events." + +The company, according to his expectation, imputed his remarks to +the rancour of his disposition, which could not bear to think that +any person upon earth was wiser than himself; and his ears were +regaled with a thousand instances of the conjurer's wonderful +prescience, for which he was altogether indebted to fiction. Some +of these specimens being communicated to him by way of appeal to +his opinion, "They are," said he, "mere phantoms of ignorance and +credulity, swelled up in the repetition, like those unsubstantial +bubbles which the boys blow up in soap-suds with a tobacco-pipe. And +this will ever be the case in the propagation of all extraordinary +intelligence. The imagination naturally magnifies every object +that falls under its cognizance, especially those that concern the +passions of fear and admiration; and when the occurrence comes to +be rehearsed, the vanity of the relater exaggerates every circumstance +in order to enhance the importance of the communication. Thus an +incident, which is but barely uncommon, often gains such accession +in its progress through the fancies and mouths of those who represent +it, that the original fact cannot possibly be distinguished. This +observation might be proved and illustrated by a thousand undeniable +examples, out of which I shall only select one instance, for +the entertainment and edification of the company." A very honest +gentleman, remarkable for the gravity of his deportment, was one +day in a certain coffee-house accosted by one of his particular +friends, who, taking him by the hand, expressed uncommon satisfaction +in seeing him abroad, and in good health, after the dangerous and +portentous malady he had undergone. Surprised at this salutation, +the gentleman replied, it was true he had been a little out of +order overnight, but there was nothing at all extraordinary in his +indisposition. "Jesu! not extraordinary!" cried the other, "when +you vomited three black crows." This strange exclamation the grave +gentleman at first mistook for raillery, though his friend was +no joker; but, perceiving in him all the marks of sincerity and +astonishment, he suddenly changed his opinion, and, after a short +reverie, taking him aside, expressed himself in these words: "Sir, +it is not unknown to you that I am at present engaged in a treaty +of marriage, which would have been settled long ago, had it not +been retarded by the repeated machinations of a certain person +who professed himself my rival. Now I am fully persuaded that this +affair of the three crows is a story of his invention, calculated +to prejudice me in the opinion of the lady, who, to be sure, would +not choose to marry a man who has a rookery in his bowels; and, +therefore, I must insist upon knowing the author of this scandalous +report, that I may be able to vindicate my character from the +malicious aspersion." His friend, who thought the demand was very +reasonable, told him, without hesitation, that he was made acquainted +with the circumstances of his distemper by Mr. Such-a-one, their +common acquaintance: upon which the person who conceived himself +injured went immediately in quest of his supposed defamer, and +having found him: "Pray, sir," said he, with a peremptory tone, +"who told you that I vomited three black crows?"--"Three?" answered +the gentleman, "I mentioned two only."--"Zounds! Sir," cried the +other, incensed at his indifference, "you will find the two too many, +if you refuse to discover the villainous source of such calumny." +The gentleman, surprised at his heat, said he was sorry to find +he had been the accidental instrument of giving him offence, but +translated the blame, if any there was, from himself to a third +person, to whose information he owed his knowledge of the report. +The plaintiff, according to the direction he received, repaired +to the house of the accused; and his indignation being inflamed at +finding the story had already circulated among his acquaintance, +he told him, with evident marks of displeasure, that he was come +to pluck the same brace of crows which he said he had disgorged. +The defendant, seeing him very much irritated, positively denied +that he had mentioned a brace: "One indeed," said he, "I own I took +notice of, upon the authority of your own physician, who gave me +an account of it this morning."--"By the Lord!" cried the sufferer, +in a rage, which he could no longer contain, "that rascal has been +suborned by my rival to slander my character in this manner: but +I'll be revenged, if there be either law or equity in England." +He had scarce pronounced these words, when the doctor happened to +enter the room: when his exasperated patient lifting up his cane, +"Sirrah," said he, "if I live, I'll make that black crow the blackest +circumstance of thy whole life and conversation." The physician, +confounded at this address, assured him that he was utterly +ignorant of his meaning, and, when the other gentleman explained +it, absolutely denied the charge, affirming he had said no more than +that he had vomited a quantity of something as black as a crow. +The landlord of the house acknowledged that he might have been +mistaken; and thus the whole mystery was explained." + +The company seeming to relish the story of the three black +crows, which they considered as an impromptu of Cadwallader's own +invention; but, granting it to be true, they unanimously declared +that it could have no weight in invalidating the testimony of +divers persons of honour, who had been witnesses of the magician's +supernatural skill. On the next day of consultation, the necromancer +being in the chair, and his friend behind the curtain, the outward +door was scarce opened, when a female visitant flounced in, and +discovered to the magician the features of one of those inquisitive +ladies, whose curiosity, he knew, his confederate had aroused +in the matter above described. She addressed herself to him with +a familiar air, observing, that she had heard much of his great +knowledge, and was come to be a witness of his art, which she desired +him to display, in declaring what he knew to be her ruling passion. + +Cadwallader, who was no stranger to her disposition, assumed the +pen without hesitation, and furnished her with an answer, importing, +that the love of money predominated, and scandal possessed the +next place in her heart. Far from being offended at his freedom, +she commended his frankness with a smile; and, satisfied of his +uncommon talents, expressed a desire of being better acquainted +with his person; nay, she began to catechise him upon the private +history of divers great families, in which he happened to be well +versed: and he, in a mysterious manner, dropped such artful hints +of his knowledge, that she was amazed at his capacity, and actually +asked if his art was communicable. The conjurer replied in the +affirmative; but, at the same time, gave her to understand, that it +was attainable by those only who were pure and undefiled in point +of chastity and honour, or such as, by a long course of penitence, +had weaned themselves from all attachments to the flesh. She not +only disapproved, but seemed to doubt the truth of this assertion; +telling him, with a look of disdain, that his art was not worth +having, if one could not use it for the benefit of one's pleasure; +she had even penetration enough to take notice of an inconsistency +in what he had advanced; and asked, why he himself exercised his +knowledge for hire, if he was so much detached from all worldly +concerns. "Come, come, doctor," added she, "you are in the right +to be cautious against impertinent curiosity, but, perhaps, I may +make it worth your while to be communicative." + +These overtures were interrupted by a rap at the door, signifying +the approach of another client; upon which the lady inquired for +his private passage, through which she might retire, without the +risk of being seen. When she understood he was deficient in that +convenience, she withdrew into an empty room adjoining to the +audience-chamber, in order to conceal herself from the observation +of the new-comer. This was no other than the inamorata, who came, +by appointment, to receive the solution of her doubts; and the +misanthrope, glad of an opportunity to expose her to the censure +of such an indefatigable minister of fame as the person who he knew +would listen from the next apartment, laid her under the necessity +of refreshing his remembrance with a recapitulation of her former +confession, which was almost finished, when she was alarmed by a +noise at the door, occasioned by two gentlemen, who attempted to +enter by force. + +Terrified at this uproar, which disconcerted the magician himself, +she ran for shelter into the place which was preoccupied by the other +lady, who, hearing this disturbance, had closed the window-shutters, +that she might have the better chance of remaining unknown. Here +they ensconced themselves in the utmost consternation, while the +necromancer, after some recollection, ordered Hadgi to open the +door, and admit the rioters, who, he hoped, would be over-awed by +the authority of his appearance. The janitor had no sooner obeyed +his instructions, than in rushed a young libertine, who had been +for some time upon the town, together with his tutor, who was a +worn-out debauchee, well known to the magician. They were both in +that degree of intoxication necessary to prepare such dispositions +for what they commonly call frolics, and the sober part of mankind +feel to be extravagant outrages against the laws of their country, +and the peace of their fellow-subjects. Having staggered up +to the table, the senior, who undertook to be spokesman, saluted +Cadwallader with, "How dost do, old Capricorn? Thou seem'st to be +a most venerable pimp, and, I doubt not, hast abundance of discretion. +Here is this young whoremaster, a true chip of the old venereal +block his father, and myself, come for a comfortable cast of +thy function. I don't mean that stale pretence of conjuring--d-- +futurity; let us live for the present, old Haly. Conjure me up a +couple of hale wenches, and I warrant we shall get into the magic +circle in a twinkling. What says Galileo? What says the Reverend +Brahe? Here is a purse, you pimp. Hark, how it chinks! This is +sweeter than the music of spheres." + +Our necromancer, perplexed at this rencontre, made no reply; but, +taking up his wand, waved it around his head in a very mysterious +motion, with a view of intimidating these forward visitants, who, +far from being awed by this sort of evolution, became more and more +obstreperous, and even threatened to pull him by the beard, if he +would not immediately comply with their desire. Had he called his +associate, or even Hadgi, to his aid, he knew he could have soon +calmed their turbulence; but, being unwilling to run the risk of +a discovery, or even of a riot, he bethought himself of chastising +their insolence in another manner, that would be less hazardous, +and rather more effectual. In consequence of this suggestion, he +pointed his wand towards the door of the apartment in which the +ladies had taken sanctuary; and the two rakes, understanding the +hint, rushed in without hesitation. + +The females, finding their place of retreat taken by assault, ran +about the room in great consternation, and were immediately taken +prisoners by the assailants, who, pulling them towards the windows, +opened the shutters at the same instant of time, when, strange to +tell! one of the heroes discovered in the prize he had made, the +very wife of his bosom; and his companion perceived that he had +stumbled in the dark upon his own mother. Their mutual astonishment +was unspeakable at this eclaircissement, which produced a universal +silence for the space of several minutes. During this pause, the +ladies having recollected themselves, an expostulation was begun +by the elder of the two, who roundly took her son to task for his +disorderly life, which laid her under the disagreeable necessity of +watching his motions, and detecting him in such an infamous place. + +While the careful mother thus exercised her talent for reprehension, +the hopeful young gentleman, with a hand in each fob, stood whistling +an opera tune, without seeming to pay the most profound regard to +his parent's reproof; and the other lady, in imitation of such a +consummate pattern, began to open upon her husband, whom she bitterly +reproached with his looseness and intemperance, demanding to know +what he had to allege in alleviation of his present misconduct. The +surprise occasioned by such an unexpected meeting, had already, +in a great measure, destroyed the effects of the wine he had +so plentifully drunk, and the first use he made of his recovered +sobriety, was to revolve within himself the motives that could +possibly induce his wife to give him the rendezvous in this manner. +As he had good reason to believe she was utterly void of jealousy, he +naturally placed this rencontre to the account of another passion; +and his chagrin was not at all impaired by the effrontery with which +she now presumed to reprimand him. He listened to her, therefore, +with a grave, or rather grim, aspect; and to the question with +which she concluded her rebuke, answered, with great composure, +"All that I have to allege, madam, is, that the bawd has committed +a mistake, in consequence of which we are both disappointed; and so, +ladies, your humble servant." So saying, he retired, with manifest +confusion in his looks; and, as he passed through the audience-chamber, +eyeing the conjurer askance, pronounced the epithet of precious +rascal, with great emphasis. Meanwhile, the junior, like a dutiful +child, handed his mamma to her chair; and the other client, after +having reviled the necromancer, because he could not foresee this +event, went away in a state of mortification. + +The coast being clear, Peregrine came forth from his den, and +congratulated his friend upon the peaceable issue of the adventure, +which he had overheard; but, that he might not be exposed to such +inconvenience for the future, they resolved, that a grate should be +fixed in the middle of the outward door, through which the conjurer +himself might reconnoitre all the visitants, before their admission; so +that, to those whose appearance he might not like, Hadgi should, +without opening, give notice, that his master was engaged. +By this expedient too, they provided against those difficulties +which Cadwallader must have encountered, in giving satisfaction +to strangers, whom he did not know: for the original intention of +the founders was to confine the practice of their art to people of +fashion only, most of whom were personally known to the counterfeit +magician and his coadjutors. + +Indeed these associates, Cadwallader in particular, notwithstanding +his boasted insight into the characters of life, never imagined that +his pretended skill would be consulted by any but the weaker-minded +of the female sex, incited by that spirit of curiosity which he knew +was implanted in their nature; but, in the course of his practice, +he found himself cultivated in his preternatural capacity by people +of all sexes, complexions, and degrees of reputation, and had occasion +to observe, that, when the passions are concerned, howsoever cool, +cautious, and deliberate the disposition may otherwise be, there +is nothing so idle, frivolous, or absurd, to which they will not +apply for encouragement and gratification. The last occurrence, +according to the hopes and expectation of the confederates, was +whispered about by the ladies concerned, in such a manner, that the +whole affair was in a few days the universal topic of discourse, +in which it was retailed with numberless embellishments, invented +by the parties themselves, who had long indulged a pique at each +other, and took this opportunity of enjoying their revenge. + +These incidents, while they regaled the spleen, at the same time +augmented the renown of the conjurer, who was described on both +sides as a very extraordinary person in his way; and the alteration +in his door was no sooner performed, than he had occasion to avail +himself of it, against the intrusion of a great many, with whom +he would have found it very difficult to support the fame he had +acquired. + +Among those who appeared at his grate, he perceived a certain +clergyman, whom he had long known a humble attendant on the great, +and with some the reputed minister of their pleasures. This Levite +had disguised himself in a greatcoat, boots, and dress quite foreign +to the habit worn by those of his function; and, being admitted, +attempted to impose himself as a country squire upon the conjurer, +who, calling him by his name, desired him to sit down. This reception +corresponding with the report he had heard, touching our magician's +art, the doctor said he would lay aside all dissimulation. After +having professed an implicit belief, that his supernatural knowledge +did not proceed from any communication with evil spirits, but was +the immediate gift of Heaven, he declared the intention of his +coming, was to inquire into the health of a good friend and brother +of his, who possessed a certain living in the country, which he +named; and, as he was old and infirm, to know what space of time +was allotted to him in this frail state of mortality, that he +might have the melancholy satisfaction of attending him in his last +moments, and assisting him in his preparations for eternity. + +The conjurer, who at once perceived the purport of this question, +after a solemn pause, during which he seemed absorbed in contemplation, +delivered this response to his consulter: "Though I foresee some +occurrences, I do not pretend to be omniscient. I know not to what +age that clergyman's life will extend; but so far I can penetrate +into the womb of time, as to discern, that the incumbent will +survive his intended successor." This dreadful sentence in a moment +banished the blood from the face of the appalled consulter, who, +hearing his own doom pronounced, began to tremble in every joint; +he lifted up his eyes in the agony of fear, and saying, "The will +of God be done," withdrew in silent despondence, his teeth chattering +with terror and dismay. + +This client was succeeded by an old man about the age of seventy-five, +who, being resolved to purchase a lease, desired to be determined +in the term of years by the necromancer's advice, observing, that, +as he had no children of his own body, and had no regard for his +heirs-at-law, the purchase would be made with a view to his own +convenience only; and therefore, considering his age, he himself +hesitated in the period of the lease, between thirty and three-score +years. + +The conjurer, upon due deliberation, advised him to double the last +specified term, because he distinguished in his features something +portending extreme old age and second childhood, and he ought to +provide for that state of incapacity, which other-wise would be +attended with infinite misery and affliction. The superannuated +wretch, thunderstruck with this prediction, held up his hands, and +in the first transports of his apprehension, exclaimed, "Lord have +mercy upon me! I have not wherewithal to purchase such a long lease, +and I have long outlived all my friends; what then must become +of me, sinner that I am, one hundred and twenty years hence! " +Cadwallader, who enjoyed his terror, under pretence of alleviating +his concern, told him that what he had prognosticated did not +deprive him of the means which he and every person had in their +power, to curtail a life of misfortune; and the old gentleman went +away, seemingly comforted with the assurance, that it would always +be in his power to employ an halter for his own deliverance. + +Soon after the retreat of this elder, the magician was visited by +one of those worthies known among the Romans by the appellation of +haeredipetae, who had amassed a large for-tune by a close attention +to the immediate wants and weakness of raw, inexperienced heirs. +This honourable usurer had sold an annuity upon the life of a +young spendthrift, being thereto induced by the affirmation of his +physician, who had assured him his patient's constitution was so +rotten, that he could not live one year to an end. He had, nevertheless, +made shift to weather eighteen months, and now seemed more vigorous +and healthy than he had ever been known: for he was supposed to +have nourished an hereditary pox from his cradle. Alarmed at this +alteration, the seller came to consult Cadwallader, not only about +the life of the annuitant, but also concerning the state of his +health at the time of his purchasing the annuity, purposing to sue +the physician for false intelligence, should the conjurer declare +that the young man was sound when the doctor pronounced him diseased. +But this was a piece of satisfaction he did not obtain from the +misanthrope, who, in order to punish his sordid disposition, gave +him to understand, that the physician had told him the truth, and +nothing but the truth; and that the young gentleman was in a fair +way of attaining a comfortable old age. "That is to say," cried +the client, in the impatience of his mortification at this answer, +"bating accidents; for, thank God, the annuitant does not lead the +most regular life. Besides, I am credibly informed he is choleric +and rash, so that he may be concerned in a duel. Then there are +such things as riots in the street, in which a rake's skull may be +casually cracked; he may be overturned in a coach, overset in the +river, thrown from a vicious horse, overtaken with a cold, endangered +by a surfeit; but what I place my chief confidence in, is an hearty +pox, a distemper which hath been fatal to his whole family. Not +but that the issue of all these things is uncertain, and expedients +might be found which would more effectually answer the purpose. +I know they have arts in India, by which a man can secure his own +interest, in the salutation of a friendly shake by the hand; and +I don't doubt that you, who have lived in that country, are master +of the secret. To be sure, if you were inclined to communicate such +a nostrum, there are abundance of people who would purchase it at +a very high price." + +Cadwallader understood this insinuation, and was tempted to amuse +him in such a manner as would tend to his disgrace and confusion; +but, considering that the case was of too criminal a nature to be +tampered with, he withstood his desire of punishing this rapacious +cormorant any other way than by telling him he would not impart the +secret for his whole for-tune ten times doubled; so that the usurer +retired, very much dissatisfied with the issue of his consultation. + +The next person who presented himself at this altar of intelligence, +was an author, who recommended himself to a gratis advice, by +observing, that a prophet and poet were known by the same appellation +among the ancients; and that, at this day, both the one and the other +spoke by inspiration. The conjurer refused to own this affinity, +which, he said, formerly subsisted, because both species of the +vates were the children of fiction; but as he himself did not fall +under that predicament, he begged leave to disown all connection +with the family of the poets; and the poor author would have been +dismissed without his errand, though he offered to leave an ode as +security for the magician's fee, to be paid from the profits of his +first third night, had not Cadwallader's curiosity prompted him to +know the subject of this gentleman's inquiry. He therefore told +him, that, in consideration of his genius, he would for once satisfy +him without a fee; and desired him to specify the doubts in which +he wished to be resolved. + +The son of Parnassus, glad of this condescension, for which he +thanked the necromancer, gave him to understand, that he had some +time before presented a play in manuscript to a certain great +man, at the head of taste, who had not only read and approved the +performance, but also undertaken to introduce and support it on +the stage; that he, the author, was assured by this patron, that +the play was already, in consequence of his recommendation, accepted +by one of the managers, who had faithfully promised to bring it to +light; but that, when he waited on this said manager, to know when +he intended to put his production in rehearsal, the man declared +he had never seen or heard of the piece. "Now, Mr. Conjurer," said +he, "I want to know whether or not my play has been presented, and +if I have any sort of chance of seeing it acted this winter." + +Cadwallader, who had, in his younger days, sported among the +theatrical muses, began to lose his temper at this question, which +recalled the remembrance of his own disappointments; and despatched +the author with an abrupt answer, importing that the affairs of the +stage were altogether without the sphere of his divination, being +entirely regulated by the daemons of dissimulation, ignorance, and +caprice. + +It would be an endless task to recount every individual response +which our magician delivered in the course of his conjuration. +He was consulted in all cases of law, physic, and trade, over and +above the ordinary subjects of marriage and fornication; his advice +and assistance were solicited by sharpers, who desired to possess +an infallible method of cheating unperceived; by fortune-hunters, +who wanted to make prize of widows and heiresses; by debauchees, +who were disposed to be with other men's wives; by coxcombs, who +longed for the death of their fathers; by wenches with child, who +wished themselves rid of their burdens; by merchants, who had insured +above value, and thirsted after the news of a wreck; by underwriters, +who prayed for the gift of prescience, that they might venture money +upon such ships only as should perform the voyage in safety; by +Jews, who wanted to foresee the fluctuations of stock; by usurers, +who advance money upon undecided causes; by clients, who were +dubious of the honesty of their counsel. In short, all matters of +uncertain issue were appealed to this tribunal; and, in point of +calculation, De Moivre was utterly neglected. + + + + + +CHAPTER LXXXIV. + + + + +The Conjurer and his Associate execute a Plan of Vengeance against +certain Infidels who pretend to despise their Art; and Peregrine +achieves an Adventure with a young Nobleman. + + +By these means, the whole variety of characters undisguised passed, +as it were, in review before the confederates, who, by divers +ingenious contrivances, punished the most flagrant offenders with as +much severity as the nature of their plan would allow. At length +they projected a scheme for chastising a number of their own +acquaintance, who had all along professed the utmost contempt for +the talent of this conjurer, which they endeavoured to ridicule in +all companies, where his surprising art was the subject of discourse; +not that they had sense and discernment enough to perceive the +absurdity of his pretensions, but affected a singularity of opinions, +with a view of insulting the inferior understandings of those who +were deceived by such an idle impostor. + +Peregrine, indeed, for obvious reasons, had always espoused their +judgment in this case, and joined them in reviling the public +character of his friend. But he knew how far the capacities of +those virtuosi extended, and had frequently caught them in the fact +of recounting their exploits against the conjurer, which were the +productions of their own invention only. On these considerations, +his wrath was kindled against them, and he accordingly concerted +measures with his coadjutor, for overwhelming them with confusion +and dismay. + +In the first place, a report was spread by his emissaries, that the +magician had undertaken to entertain their view with the appearance +of any person whom his customers should desire to see, whether +dead, or at the distance of a thousand leagues. This extraordinary +proposal chancing to be the subject of conversation in a place where +most of those infidels were assembled, they talked of it in the +usual style, and some of them swore the fellow ought to be pilloried +for his presumption. + +Our hero, seizing this favourable opportunity, acquiesced in their +remarks, and observed, with great vehemence, that it would be a +meritorious action to put the rascal to the proof, and then toss him +in a blanket for non-performance. They were wonderfully pleased with +this suggestion, and forthwith determined to try the experiment; +though, as they understood the apparition would be produced to one +only at a time, they could not immediately agree in the choice of +the person who should stand the first brunt of the magician's skill. +While each of them severally excused himself from this preference on +various pretences, Peregrine readily undertook the post, expressing +great confidence of the conjurer's incapacity to give him the least +cause of apprehension. + +This point being settled, they detached one of their number to +Crabtree, in order to bespeak and adjust the hour and terms of the +operation, which he insisted upon performing at his own apartment, +where everything was prepared for the occasion. At the appointed +time, they went thither in a body, to the number of seven, in full +expectation of detecting the impostor; and were received with such +gloomy formality, as seemed to have an effect upon the countenances +of some among them; though they were encouraged by the vivacity +of Pickle, who affected a double share of petulance, for the more +effectual accomplishment of his purpose. + +Cadwallader made no reply to the interrogations they uttered, in +the levity of their insolence, at the first entrance, but ordered +Hadgi to conduct them through the next room, that they might +see there was no previous apparatus to affright their deputy with +objects foreign to his undertaking. They found nothing but a couple +of wax tapers burning on a table that stood with a chair by it in +the middle of the apartment, and returned to the audience-chamber, +leaving Peregrine by himself, to encounter the phantom of that +person whom they should, without his knowledge, desire the magician +to conjure up to his view, + +All the doors being shut and the company seated, a profound silence +ensued, together with a face of dreadful expectation, encouraged +by the blue flame of the candles, which were tipped with sulphur +for that purpose, and heightened by the dismal sound of a large +bell, which Hadgi tolled in the ante-chamber. Cadwallader having +thus practised upon their ignorance and fear, desired them to name +the person to be produced. After some whispers among themselves, one +of them took the pen, and, writing the name of Commodore Trunnion +upon a slip of paper, put it into the hands of the magician, who +rose from his seat, and, opening the door of his closet, displayed +to their view a skull, with thigh bones crossed, upon a table +covered with black cloth. + +This melancholy spectacle made a remarkable impression upon the +imaginations of the company, already prepossessed by the previous +ceremony; and they began to survey one another with looks of +consternation, while Cadwallader, shutting himself in the closet, +that was contiguous to the chamber in which his friend Peregrine was +stationed, thrust the label with his uncle's name through a small +chink in the partition. according to agreement, muttering at the +time a sort of gibberish, that increased the panic of his audience; +then returning to his chair, the knell was tolled again, and Pickle +called aloud, "D--n your mummery: why don't you despatch?" + +This was a signal to Crabtree, who thus certified of his having +received the paper, stood up and waved his wand in the figure of +an S. The motion being thrice performed, their ears were all of a +sudden invaded by a terrible noise in the next room, accompanied +with the voice of Peregrine, who exclaimed, in a tone of horror and +amazement, "Guard me, Heaven! my Uncle Trunnion!" This ejaculation +had such an effect upon the hearers, that two of them swooned +with fear, a third fell upon his knees and prayed aloud, while the +other three, in a transport of dismay and distraction, burst open +the door, and rushed into the haunted chamber, where they found +the table and chair overturned, and Peregrine extended, in all +appearance without sense or motion, upon the floor. + +They immediately began to chafe his temples, and the first symptom +of his recovery which they perceived was a hollow groan; after +which he pronounced these words: "Merciful powers! if I live I saw +the commodore with his black patch, in the very clothes he wore at +my sister's wedding." This declaration completed their astonishment +and terror; they observed a wildness in his looks, which he seemed +to bend on something concealed from their view; and were infected +by his appearance to such a pitch of superstition, that it would +have been an easy matter to persuade them that the chair and table +were apparitions of their forefathers. However, they conducted +Peregrine into the council chamber, where the conjurer and Hadgi +were employed in ministering to those who had fainted. + +The patients having retrieved the use of their faculties, +Cadwallader, assuming a double portion of severity in his aspect, +asked if they were not ashamed of their former incredulity; declaring, +that he was ready to give them more convincing proofs of his art +upon the spot, and would immediately recall three generations of +their progenitors from the dead, if they were disposed to relish +such company. Then turning to one of them, whose grandfather had +been hanged, "Are you," said he, "ambitious of seeing the first +remarkable personage of your family? Say the word and he shall +appear." + +This youth, who had been the most insolent and obstreperous in +the whole society, and was now depressed with the same proportion +of fear, alarmed at the proposal, assured the magician he had +no curiosity of that sort remaining; and that what he had already +seen would, he hoped, have a good effect upon his future life and +conversation. Every one of these heroes made an acknowledgment +and profession of the same kind, some of which were attended with +tears; and Hadgi having provided chairs for the whole company, +they departed exceedingly crest-fallen. Two of the number actually +sickened with the agitation they had undergone, while our hero +and his associate made themselves merry with the success of their +enterprise. + +But this scheme of fortune-telling did not engross his whole +attention; he still continued to maintain his appearance in the +beau monde; and, as his expense far exceeded his income, strove to +contract intimacies with people of interest and power; he showed +himself regularly at court, paid his respects to them in all places +of public diversion, and frequently entered into their parties, +either of pleasure or cards. In the course of this cultivation, he +happened one evening, at a certain chocolate-house, to overlook a +match of piquet, in which he perceived a couple of sharpers making +a prey of a young nobleman, who had neither temper nor skill +sufficient to cope with such antagonists. + +Our hero, being a professed enemy to all knights of industry, could +not bear to see them cheat in public with such insolent audacity. +Under pretence of communicating some business of importance, he +begged the favour of speaking to the young gentleman in another +corner of the room, and in a friendly manner cautioned him against +his opponents. This hot-headed representative, far from thinking +or owning himself obliged to Pickle for his good counsel, looked +upon his advice as an insult upon his understanding; and replied, +with an air of ferocious displeasure, that he knew how to take +care of his own concerns, and would not suffer either him or them +to bubble him out of a shilling. + +Peregrine. offended at the association, as well as at the ingratitude +and folly of this conceited coxcomb, expressed his resentment, by +telling him, that he expected at least an acknowledgment for his +candid intention; but he found his intellects too much warped by +his vanity to perceive his own want of capacity and experience. +Inflamed by this reproof, the young nobleman challenged him to +play for five hundred pounds, with many opprobrious, or at least +contemptuous terms of defiance, which provoked our hero to accept +the proposal. After the other had disengaged himself from the +old rooks, who were extremely mortified at the interruption, the +two young champions sat down, and fortune acting with uncommon +impartiality, Pickle, by the superiority of his talents, in +two hours won to the amount of as many thousand pounds, for which +he was obliged to take his antagonist's note, the sharpers having +previously secured his ready money. + +Frantic with his loss, the rash young man would have continued the +game, and doubled stakes every time; so that Peregrine might have +increased his acquisition to ten times the sum he had gained; but +he thought he had already sufficiently chastised the presumption +of the challenger, and was unwilling to empower fortune to ravish +from him the fruits of his success; he therefore declined my lord's +proposal, unless he would play for ready money; and his lordship +having in vain tried his credit among the company, our adventurer +withdrew, leaving him in an ecstasy of rage and disappointment. + +As the insolence of his behaviour had increased with his ill-luck, +and he had given vent to divers expressions which Peregrine took +amiss, our young gentleman resolved to augment his punishment, by +teasing him with demands which could not, he knew, be immediately +satisfied; and next day sent Pipes to his father's house with the +note, which was drawn payable upon demand. The debtor, who had gone +to bed half-distracted with his misfortune, finding himself waked +with such a disagreeable dun, lost all patience, cursed Pickle, +threatened his messenger, blasphemed with horrible execrations, and +made such a noise as reached the ears of his father, who, ordering +his son to be called into his presence, examined him about the +cause of that uproar, which had disturbed the whole family. The +young gentleman, after having essayed to amuse him with sundry +equivocations, which served only to increase his suspicion and +desire of knowing the truth, acknowledged that he had lost some +money overnight at cards, to a gamester who had been so impertinent +as to send a message, demanding it that morning, though he had told +the fellow that it would not suit him to pay him immediately. The +father, who was a man of honour, reproached him with great severity +for his profligate behaviour in general, and this scandalous debt +in particular, which he believed to be some trifle; then giving +him a bank-note for five hundred pounds, commanded him to go and +discharge it without loss of time. This well-principled heir took +the money; but, instead of waiting upon his creditor, he forthwith +repaired to the gaming-house, in hopes of retrieving his loss; +and, before he rose from the table, saw his note mortgaged for +seven-eighths of its value. + +Meanwhile, Pickle, incensed at the treatment which his servant +had received, and informed of his lordship's second loss, which +aggravated his resentment, determined to preserve no medium; and, +taking out a writ the same day, put it immediately in execution +upon the body of his debtor, just as he stepped into his chair at +the door of White's chocolate-house. The prisoner, being naturally +fierce and haughty, attempted to draw upon the bailiffs, who disarmed +him in a twinkling; and this effort served only to heighten his +disgrace; which was witnessed by a thousand people, most of whom +laughed very heartily at the adventure of a lord's being arrested. + +Such a public transaction could not long escape the knowledge of +his father, who that very day had the satisfaction to hear that his +son was in a spunging-house. In consequence of this information, +he sent his steward to learn the particulars of the arrest, and +was equally offended, surprised, and concerned, when he understood +the nature of the debt, which he imagined his son had already discharged. +Unwilling to pay such a considerable sum for a spendthrift, whom +he had but too much indulged, and who in less than one week might +involve himself in such another difficulty, the old gentleman wrote +a letter to Peregrine, representing what a hardship it would be +upon him to forfeit such sums by the indiscretion of a son, whose +engagements he was not bound to fulfil, and desiring some mitigation +in his demand, as it was not a debt contracted for value received, but +incurred without subjecting him to the least damage or inconvenience. + +Our adventurer no sooner received this letter, than he went in +person to wait upon the author, to whom he, in a candid manner, +related the particular circumstances of the match, together with the +ingratitude and audacity of his son, which he owned had stimulated +him to such measures as he otherwise would have scorned to take. +The nobleman acknowledged that the revenge was hardly adequate to +the provocation, and condemned the conduct of his son with such +justice and integrity, as disarmed Peregrine of his resentment, and +disposed him to give an undoubted proof of his own disinterestedness, +which he immediately exhibited, by producing the note, and tearing +it to pieces, after having assured his lordship that the writ should +be withdrawn, and the prisoner discharged before night. + +The earl, who perfectly well understood the value of money, and +was no stranger to the characters of mankind, stood amazed at the +sacrifice, which Pickle protested was offered by his esteem for his +lordship; and, after having complimented him upon his generosity, +in a very uncommon strain of encomium, begged the favour of his +acquaintance, and insisted upon his dining with him next day. The +youth, proud of having met with such an opportunity to distinguish +himself, in less than an hour performed every article of his +promise; and in the morning was visited by the debtor, who came, +by the express order of his father, to thank him for the obligation +under which he was laid, and to ask pardon for the offence he had +given. + +This condescension was very glorious for our hero, who graciously +received his submission, and accompanied him to dinner, where he +was caressed by the old earl with marks of particular affection +and esteem. Nor was his gratitude confined to exterior civility; +he offered him the use of his interest at court, which was very +powerful, and repeated his desire of serving him so pressingly, +that Peregrine thought he could not dispense with the opportunity +of assisting his absent friend Godfrey, in whose behalf he begged +the influence of his lordship. + +The earl, pleased with this request, which was another proof of +the young gentleman's benevolence, said, he would not fail to pay +the utmost regard to his recommendation; and in six weeks a captain's +commission was actually signed for the brother of Emilia, who was +very agreeably surprised at the intimation he received from the War +Office, though he was utterly ignorant of the canal through which +he obtained that promotion. + + + + + +CHAPTER LXXXV. + + + + +Peregrine is celebrated as a Wit and Patron, and proceeds to +entertain himself at the Expense of whom it did concern. + + +In the meantime, Peregrine flourished in the gay scenes of life, and, +as I have already observed, had divers opportunities of profiting +in the way of marriage, had not his ambition been a little too +inordinate, and his heart still biased by a passion, which all +the levity of youth could not balance, nor all the pride of vanity +overcome. Nor was our hero unmarked in the world of letters and +taste; he had signalized himself in several poetical productions, +by which he had acquired a good share of reputation: not that the +pieces were such as ought to have done much honour to his genius; +but any tolerable performance from a person of his figure and +supposed fortune, will always be considered by the bulk of readers +as an instance of astonishing capacity; though the very same +production, ushered into the world with the name of an author in +less affluent circumstances would be justly disregarded and despised; +so much is the opinion of most people influenced and overawed by +ridiculous considerations. + +Be this as it will, our young gentleman was no sooner distinguished as +an author, than he was marked out as a patron by all the starving +retainers to poetry; he was solemnised in odes, celebrated +in epigrams, and fed with the milk of soft dedication. His vanity +even relished this incense; and, though his reason could not help +despising those that offered it, not one of them was sent away +unowned by his munificence. He began to think himself, in good +earnest, that superior genius which their flattery had described; +he cultivated acquaintance with the wits of fashion, and even composed +in secret a number of bon-mots, which he uttered in company as the +impromptus of his imagination. In this practice, indeed, he imitated +some of the most renowned geniuses of the age, who, if the truth were +known, have laboured in secret, with the sweat of their brows, for +many a repartee which they have vended as the immediate production +of fancy and expression. He was so successful in this exercise of +his talents, that his fame actually came in competition with that +great man who had long sat at the helm of wit; and, in a dialogue +that once happened between them, on the subject of a corkscrew, +wherein the altercation was discharged, according to Bayes, slap +for slap, dash for dash, our hero was judged to have the better +of his lordship, by some of the minor satellites, that commonly +surround and reflect the rays of such mighty luminaries. + +In a word, he dipped himself so far in these literary amusements, +that he took the management of the pit into his direction, putting +himself at the head of those critics who call themselves the town; and +in that capacity chastised several players, who had been rendered +insolent and refractory by unmerited success. As for the new +productions of the stage, though generally unspirited and insipid, +they always enjoyed the benefit of his influence and protection; +because he never disliked the performance so much as he sympathized +with the poor author, who stood behind the scenes in the most dreadful +suspense, trembling, as it were, on the very brink of damnation. +Yet, though he extended his generosity and compassion to the humble +and needy, he never let slip one opportunity of mortifying villainy +and arrogance. Had the executive power of the legislature been +vested in him, he would have doubtless devised strange species of +punishment for all offenders against humanity and decorum; but, +restricted as he was, he employed his invention in subjecting them +to the ridicule and contempt of their fellow-subjects. + +It was with this view he set on foot the scheme of conjuration, +which was still happily carried on, and made use of the intelligence +of his friend Cadwallader; though he sometimes converted this +advantage to the purposes of gallantry, being, as the reader may +have perceived, of a very amorous complexion. He not only acted +the reformer, or rather the castigator, in the fashionable world, +but also exercised his talents among the inferior class of people, +who chanced to incur his displeasure. One mischievous plan that +entered our hero's imagination was suggested by two advertisements +published in the same paper, by persons who wanted to borrow +certain sums of money, for which they promised to give undeniable +security. Peregrine, from the style and manner of both, concluded +they were written by attorneys, a species of people for whom he +entertained his uncle's aversion. In order to amuse himself and +some of his friends with their disappointment, he wrote a letter +signed A. B. to each advertiser, according to the address specified +in the newspaper, importing, that if he would come with his writings +to a certain coffee-house near the Temple, precisely at six in +the evening, he would find a person sitting in the right-hand box +next to the window, who would be glad to treat with him about the +subject of his advertisement; and, should his security be liked, would +accommodate him with the sum which he wanted to raise. Before the +hour of this double appointment, Pickle, with his friend Cadwallader, +and a few more gentlemen, to whom he had thought proper to communicate +the plan, went to the coffee-house, and seated themselves near the +place that was destined for their meeting. + +The hope of getting money had such an evident effect upon their +punctuality, that one of them arrived a considerable time before the +hour; and having reconnoitred the room, took his station according +to the direction he had received, fixing his eye upon a dock that +stood before him, and asking of the barkeeper, if it was not too +slow. He, had not remained in this posture many minutes, when he +was joined by a strange figure that waddled into the room, with +a bundle of papers in his bosom, and. the sweat running over his +nose. Seeing a man in the box to which he had been directed, he +took it for granted that he was the lender; and as soon as he could +recover his breath, which was almost exhausted by the despatch he +had made, "Sir," said he, "I presume you are the gentleman I was +to meet about that loan." Here he was interrupted by the other, +who eagerly replied, "A. B., sir, I suppose." "The same," cried the +last-comer: "I was afraid I should be too late; for I was detained +beyond my expectation by a nobleman at the other end of the town, that +wants to mortgage a small trifle of his estate, about a thousand a +year; and my watch happens to be in the hands of the maker, having +met with an accident a few nights ago, which set it asleep. But, +howsomever, there is no time lost, and I hope this affair will be +transacted to the satisfaction of us both. For my own part, I love +to do good offices myself, and therefore I expect nothing but what +is fair and honest of other people." + +His new friend was exceedingly comforted by this declaration, +which he considered as a happy omen of his success; and the hope +of fingering the cash operated visibly in his countenance, while +he expressed his satisfaction at meeting with a person of such +candour and humanity. "The pleasure," said he, "of dealing with +an easy conscientious man is, in my opinion, superior to that of +touching all the money upon earth; for what joy can be compared +with what a generous mind feels in befriending its fellow-creatures? +I was never so happy in my life, as at one time, in lending five +hundred pounds to a worthy gentleman in distress, without insisting +upon rigid security. Sir, one may easily distinguish an upright +man by his countenance: for example now, I think I could take your +word for ten thousand pounds." The other, with great joy, protested, +that he was right in his conjecture, and returned the compliment +a thousand-fold; by which means, the expectation of both was wound +up to a very interesting pitch; and both, at the same instant, +began to produce their papers, in the untying of which their hands +shook with transports of eagerness and impatience; while their +eyes were so intent upon their work, that they did not perceive +the occupation of each other. + +At length, one of them, having got the start of the other, and +unrolled several skins of musty parchment, directed his view to the +employment of his friend; and, seeing him fumbling at his bundle, +asked if that was a blank bond and conveyance which he had brought +along with him. The other, without lifting up his eyes, or desisting +from his endeavours to loose the knot, which by this time he +had applied to his teeth, answered this question in the negative, +observing that the papers in his hand were the security which he +proposed to give for the money. This reply converted the looks of +the inquirer into a stare of infinite solidity, accompanied with the +word Anan! which he pronounced in a tone of fear and astonishment. +The other, alarmed at this note, cast his eyes towards the +supposed lender, and was in a moment infected by his aspect. All +the exultation of hope that sparkled in their eyes was now succeeded +by disappointment and dismay; and while they gazed ruefully at each +other, their features were gradually elongated, like the transient +curls of a Middle-row periwig. + +This emphatic silence was, however, broken by the last-comer, who, +in a faltering accent, desired the other to recollect the contents +of his letter. "Of your letter!" cried the first, putting into his +hand the advertisement he had received from Pickle; which he had +no sooner perused, than he produced his own for the satisfaction +of the other party. So that another gloomy pause ensued, at the +end of which, each uttered a profound sigh, or rather groan, and, +rising up, sneaked off without further communication, he who seemed +to be the most afflicted of the two, taking his departure, with an +exclamation of "Humbugged, egad!" + +Such were the amusements of our hero, though they did not engross +his whole time, some part of which was dedicated to nocturnal riots +and revels, among a set of young noblemen, who had denounced war +against temperance, economy, and common sense, and were indeed the +devoted sons of tumult, waste, and prodigality. Not that Peregrine +relished those scenes, which were a succession of absurd extravagance, +devoid of all true spirit, taste, or enjoyment. But his vanity +prompted him to mingle with those who are entitled the choice spirits +of the age; and his disposition was so pliable, as to adapt itself +easily to the measures of his company, where he had not influence +enough to act in the capacity of a director. Their rendezvous was +a certain tavern, which might be properly styled the temple of +excess, where they left the choice of their fare to the discretion +of the landlord, that they might save themselves the pains of +exercising their own reason; and, in order to avoid the trouble of +adjusting the bill, ordered the waiter to declare how much every +individual must pay, without specifying the articles of the charge. +This proportion generally amounted to two guineas per head for each +dinner and supper; and frequently exceeded that sum; of which the +landlord durst not abate, without running the risk of having his +nose slit for his moderation. + +But this was puny expense compared with that which they often +incurred, by the damage done to the furniture and servants, in the +madness of their intoxication, as well as the loss they sustained +at hazard, an amusement to which all of them had recourse in the +progress of their debauches. This elegant diversion was introduced, +encouraged, and promoted by a crew of rapacious sharpers, who had +made themselves necessary companions to this hopeful generation, by +the talents of pimping and buffoonery. Though they were universally +known, even by those they preyed upon to have no other means of +earning their livelihood, than the most infamous and fraudulent +practices, they were caressed and courted by these infatuated dupes, +when a man of honour, who would not join in their excesses, would +have been treated with the utmost indignity and contempt. + +Though Peregrine, in his heart, detested those abandoned courses, +and was a professed enemy to the whole society of gamesters, whom +he considered, and always treated, as the foes of humankind, he was +insensibly accustomed to licentious riot, and even led imperceptibly +into play by those cormorants, who are no less dangerous in the +art of cheating, than by their consummate skill in working up the +passions of unwary youth. They are, for the most part, naturally +cool, phlegmatic, and crafty, and, by a long habit of dissimulation, +have gained an absolute dominion over the hasty passions of the heart; +so that they engage with manifest advantage over the impatience and +impetuosity of a warm undesigning temper, like that of our young +gentleman, who, when he was heated with wine, misled by example, +invited on one hand, and defied on the other, forgot all his maxims +of caution and sobriety, and, plunging into the reigning folly of +the place, had frequent occasions to moralize in the morning upon +the loss of the preceding night. These penitential reflections +were attended with many laudable resolutions of profiting by the +experience which he had so dearly purchased; but he was one of those +philosophers who always put off till another day the commencement +of their reformation. + + + + + +CHAPTER LXXXVI. + + + + +Peregrine receives a letter from Hatchway, in consequence of which +he repairs to the Garrison, and performs the last Offices to his +Aunt--He is visited by Mr. Gauntlet, who invites him to his Marriage. + + +In this circle of amusements our hero's time was parcelled out, and +few young gentlemen of the age enjoyed life with greater relish, +notwithstanding those intervening checks of reason, which served +only to whet his appetite for a repetition of the pleasures she +so prudently condemned; when he received the following letter, by +which he was determined to visit his estate in the country: + + Cousin Pickle,--I hope you are in a better trim than your + aunt, who hath been fast moored to her bed these seven weeks, + by several feet of under-water lodging in her hold and + hollop, whereby I doubt her planks are rotted, so that she + cannot choose but fall to pieces in a short time. I have + done all in my power to keep her tight and easy, and free + from sudden squalls that might overstrain her. And here + have been the doctors, who have scuttled her lower deck, and + let out six gallons of water. For my own part, I wonder how + the devil it came there; for you know as how it was a liquor + she never took in. But as for those fellows the doctors, they + are like unskilful carpenters, that in mending one leak make + a couple; and so she fills again apace. But the worst sign of + all is this here, she won't let a drop of Nantz go between + the combings of her teeth, and has quite lost the rudder of + her understanding, whereby she yaws woundily in her speech + palavering about some foreign part called the New Geereusalem, + and wishing herself in a safe berth in the river Geordun. + The parson, I must say, strives to keep her steady, concerning + the navigation of her soul, and talks very sensibly of charity + and the poor, whereof she hath left a legacy of two hundred + pounds in her will. And here has been Mr. Gamaliel and your + brother my lord, demanding entrance at the gate, in order to + see her; but I would not suffer them to come aboard, and + pointed my patereroes, which made them sheer off. Your sister, + Mrs. Clover, keeps close watch upon her kinswoman, without + ever turning in, and a kind-hearted young woman it is. I + should be glad to see you at the garrison, if the wind of your + inclination sits that way; and mayhap it may be a comfort to + your aunt, to behold you alongside of her, when her anchor is + apeak. So no more at present, but rests your friend and humble + servant to command, "John Hatchway." + +Next morning, after the receipt of this epistle, Peregrine, in order +to manifest his regard to his aunt, as well as his friendship for +honest Jack, set out on horseback for their habitation, attended +by Pipes, who longed to see his old messmate; but before he had +reached the garrison, Mrs. Hatchway had given up the ghost, in the +threescore and fifth year of her age. The widower seemed to bear +his loss with resignation, and behaved very decently upon the +occasion, though he did not undergo those dangerous transports of +sorrow, which some tender-hearted husbands have felt at the departure +of their wives. The lieutenant was naturally a philosopher, and +so well disposed to acquiesce in the dispensations of Providence, +that in this, as well as in every other emergency of his life, he +firmly believed, that everything which happened was for the best. + +Peregrine's task, therefore, was not so great in comforting him, +as in consoling his own sister, who, with great poignancy and +sincerity of grief, lamented the death of the only relation with +whom she had maintained any intimacy of correspondence; for her +mother was as implacable as ever, in her enmity against her and +Peregrine, and rather more determined in her rancour; that which +was originally a sudden transport of indignation, being by this +time settled into a confirmed inveteracy of hate. As for Gam, who +was now dignified by the country people with the appellation of +the young squire, he still acted in the capacity of minister to +the caprice and vengeance of his mother, taking all opportunities +of disturbing Julia's peace, slandering her reputation, and committing +outrages against the tenants and domestics of her husband, who was +a man of quiet and timorous disposition. + +But the chief amusement of young Pickle, in his later years, was +the chase, in which he acquired some renown by his intrepidity and +remarkable figure, which improved every day in deformity; insomuch, +as to suggest a ludicrous scheme of revenge to a gentleman in the +neighbourhood. Having been affronted by the insolence of Crookback, +he clothed a large baboon that was in his possession, in a dress +that resembled the hunting equipage of Gam; and ordering the animal +to be set astride, and tied upon the back of his keenest hunter, +turned them out one day after the hounds. The horse in a little +time outstripping all the rest in the field, the rider was mistaken +for Gam by the whole company, who saluted him as he passed with +a halloo, observing, that the squire had his usual good luck, in +being better mounted than his neighbours. Pickle afterwards appearing +in his own person, created great astonishment in the spectators, +one of whom asked if he had split himself in twain, and pointed +out his representative, who was, by this time, almost up with the +hounds. Upon which the identical Gam went in pursuit of the impostor. +When he overtook him, he was so much enraged at the counterfeit, +that he attacked the baboon whip in hand, and, in all probability, +would have sacrificed him to his resentment, had not he been +prevented by the other fox-hunters. They interposed, in order to +make up the difference betwixt two brothers of the sport, and were +equally surprised and diverted when they distinguished the quality +of Crookback's antagonist, which they rescued from his rage, and +reconveyed to its master. + +Peregrine, at the request of his friend Jack, took charge of his +aunt's funeral, to which his parents were invited, though they did +not think proper to appear, or pay the least regard to his solicitations, +when he desired permission to wait upon them in person. Nevertheless, +old Gamaliel, at the instigation of his wife, afterwards obtained +an order from Doctors' Commons, obliging Hatchway to produce the +will of his wife, on the supposition that she had bequeathed to him +some part of the money, which, he knew, was at her own disposal. +But from this step he reaped no other satisfaction than that of +finding himself altogether neglected by the testatrix, who had left +all her effects to her husband, except one thousand pounds, with +her jewels, to Julia's daughter, the benefaction mentioned in +the lieutenant's letter, and some inconsiderable legacies to her +favourite domestics. + +A few days after the interment of this good lady, our hero was +agreeably surprised with a visit from his friend Godfrey, who had +come to England in consequence of that promotion which he owed to +his interest, though the soldier himself placed it to the credit +of a certain courtier who had formerly promised to befriend him, +and now finding his advancement unowned, very modestly arrogated +the merit of it to himself. He communicated his good-fortune to +Pickle, who complimented him upon it as an event of which he had no +precognition; and at the same time told him, that, in consequence +of his preferment, his cousin at Windsor had consented to his being +immediately united in the bands of wedlock with his lovely Sophy; +that the wedding-day was already fixed; and that nothing would be +wanting to his happiness, if Peregrine would honour the nuptials +with his presence. + +Our hero accepted the invitation with great eagerness, when he +learned that Emilia would be there in quality of bridesmaid; and +now repeated what he had formerly written to his friend, namely, +that he was not only willing, but extremely impatient to atone for +his mad behaviour to that young lady, by laying himself and his +whole fortune at her feet. Godfrey thanked him for his honourable +intention, and promised to use his influence, and that of Sophy, in +his behalf, though he seemed dubious of their success, on account +of his sister's delicacy which could not pardon the least shadow +of disrespect. He owned, indeed, he was not certain that she +would appear in the same company with Pickle; but, as she made no +stipulation on that score, he would interpret her silence in the +most favourable manner, and keep her in ignorance of his design, +until she should find it too late to retract with any decency. The +hope of seeing and conversing with Emilia, and perhaps of being +reconciled to her, after having suffered so much and so long +from her displeasure, raised a tumult of ideas in his breast, and +produced a strange inquietude of joy and perturbation. Gauntlet +having stayed with him a few days, and signified the time appointed +for his spousals, took his leave, in order to prepare for the +occasion; while Peregrine, with his friend Hatchway, made a tour +among his acquaintance in the country, with a view of sounding +their inclinations touching a project which he had lately conceived, +of offering himself as a candidate for a certain borough in the +neighbourhood, at the ensuing election for members of parliament. + +This scheme, which was suggested to him by one of his quality patrons, +would have succeeded according to his wish, had the election taken +place immediately; but, before that happened, his interest was +overbalanced by some small accidents that will be recorded in the +sequel. In the meantime, he repaired to Windsor on the eve of his +friend's marriage, and understood from Godfrey that it was with +the utmost difficulty he and Sophy could prevail upon his sister +to be present at the wedding. when she was informed that her lover +was invited; and that her consent had not been obtained until they +had promised, on the part of Peregrine, that he should not renew the +old topic, nor even speak to her in the style of a former acquaintance. + +Our young gentleman was nettled at this preliminary, to which, +however, he said he would adhere; and so well did he think himself +fortified with pride and resentment, that he resolved to behave +towards her with such indifference, as would, he hoped, mortify +her vanity, and thereby punish her for the implacability of her +disposition. Armed with these sentiments, he was next day introduced +by Godfrey to the bride, who received him with her usual sweetness +of temper and affability; and Emilia being present, he saluted her +with a distant bow, which she acknowledged with a cold courtesy, +and an aspect of ice. Though this deportment confirmed his +displeasure, her beauty undermined his resolution; he thought her +charms infinitely improved since their last parting, and a thousand +fond images recurring to his imagination, he felt his whole soul +dissolving into tenderness and love. + +In order to banish those dangerous ideas, he endeavoured to enter +into a gay conversation with Sophy, on the subject of the approaching +ceremony; but his tongue performed its office awkwardly, his eyes +were attracted towards Emilia, as if they had been subject to the +power of fascination; in spite of all his efforts, a deep sigh +escaped from his bosom, and his whole appearance indicated anxiety +and confusion. The bridegroom, perceiving his condition, abridged +the visit, and having conducted his companion to his own lodgings, +expressed his concern at having been the innocent occasion of his +uneasiness, by exposing him to the sight of Emilia, which he perceived +had given him pain. Peregrine, who had by this time recollected the +dictates of his pride, assured him, that he was very much mistaken +in the cause of his disorder, which was no other than a sudden +qualm, to which he had been for some time subject; and to show him +how philosophically he could bear the disdain of Emilia, which, with +all deference to her conduct, he could not help thinking a little +too severe, he desired, as the bridegroom had made preparation for +a private ball in the evening, that he would provide him with an +agreeable partner; in which case he would exhibit undoubted proofs +of the tranquility of his heart. "I was in hopes," answered Godfrey, +"of being able, with the assistance of Sophy, to make up matters +between you and my sister, and for that reason kept her unengaged +to any other gentleman for the night; but since she was so peevishly +obstinate, I shall take care to accommodate you with a very handsome +young lady, whose partner will not be sorry to exchange her for +Emilia." + +The thoughts of having an opportunity to coquette with another +woman, under the eye of this implacable mistress, supported his +spirits during the ceremony, which put Gauntlet in possession of +his heart's desire; and, by means of this cordial, he found himself +so undisturbed at dinner, though he sat opposite to his fair enemy, +that he was able to pass some occasional jokes upon the new-married +couple, with some appearance of mirth and good-humour. Nor did Emily +any otherwise seem affected by his presence, than by excepting him +from the participation of those genial regards which she distributed +to the rest of the company. This easiness of behaviour on her +side reinforced his resolution, by giving him pretence to call her +sensibility in question; for he could not conceive how any woman +of acute feelings could sit unmoved in presence of a man with whom +she had such recent and intimate connection; not considering that +she had much more reason to condemn his affectation of unconcern, +and that her external deportment might, like his own, be an effort +of pride and resentment. + +This contest, in point of dissimulation, continued till night, when +the company was paired for dancing, and Peregrine began the ball +by walking a minuet with the bride; then he took out the young lady +to whom he was recommended by Gauntlet, being very well pleased +to see that her person was such as might have inspired even Emily +herself with jealousy, though, at the same time, he perceived +his mistress coupled with a gay young officer, whom, with all due +deference to his own qualifications, he considered as no despicable +rival. However, he himself first began hostilities, by becoming all +of a sudden particular with his partner, whom he forthwith assailed +with flattering compliments, that soon introduced the subject of +love, upon which he expatiated with great art and elocution, using +not only the faculty of speech, but also the language of the eyes, +in which he was a perfect connoisseur. + +This behaviour soon manifested itself to the whole assembly, the +greatest part of whom believed that he was in good earnest captivated +by the charms of his partner; while Emilia, penetrating into his +design, turned his own artillery upon himself, by seeming to listen +with pleasure to the addresses of his rival, who was no novice in +the art of making love. She even affected uncommon vivacity, and +giggled aloud at every whisper which he conveyed into her ear, +insomuch that she, in her turn, afforded speculation to the company, +who imagined the young soldier had made a conquest of the bridegroom's +sister. Pickle himself began to cherish the same opinion, which +gradually invaded his good-humour, and at length filled his bosom +with rage. He strove to suppress his indignation, and called every +consideration of vanity and revenge to his aid. He endeavoured to +wean his eyes from the fatal object that disturbed him, but they +would not obey his direction and command. He wished himself deprived +of all sensation, when he heard her laugh, and saw her smile upon +the officer; and, in the course of country-dancing, when he was +obliged to join hands with her, the touch thrilled through all his +nerves, and kindled a flame within him which he could not contain. +In a word, his endeavours to conceal the situation of his thoughts +were so violent, that his constitution could not endure the shock; +the sweat ran down his forehead in a stream, the colour vanished +from his cheeks, his knees began to totter, and his eyesight to +fail; so that he must have fallen at his full length upon the floor, +had not he retired very abruptly into another room, where he threw +himself upon a couch, and fainted. + +In this condition he was found by his friend, who, seeing him +withdraw with such symptoms of disorder, followed him thither; and, +when he recovered the use of his faculties, pressed him to make use +of a bed in that house, rather than expose himself in the night air, +by going home to his own lodgings; but not being able to prevail +upon him to accept the offer, he wrapped him up in a cloak, and, +conducting him to the inn where he lodged, helped him to undress +and go to bed, where he was immediately seized with a violent +fit of the ague. Godfrey behaved with great tenderness, and would +have actually borne him company all night, notwithstanding the +circumstances of his own situation, had not his friend insisted upon +his returning to the company, and making his apology to his partner +for his sudden departure. This was a step absolutely necessary +towards maintaining the quiet of the assembly, which he found in +great consternation, occasioned by his absence; for some of the +ladies, seeing the bridegroom follow the stranger in his retreat, +the meaning of which they did not comprehend, began to be afraid of +a quarrel. Emilia, upon pretence of that supposition, was so much +alarmed, that she could not stand, and was fain to have recourse +to a smelling-bottle. + +The bride, who understood the whole mystery, was the only person +that acted with deliberation and composure; she imputed Emilia's +disorder to the right cause, which was no other than concern for the +condition of her lover, and assured the ladies there was nothing +extraordinary in Mr. Pickle's going off, he being subject to fainting +fits, by which he was often overtaken without any previous notice. +The arrival of Gauntlet confirmed the truth of this declaration. +He made an apology to the company in the name of his friend, who, +he told them, was suddenly taken ill; and they returned to their +diversion of dancing, with this variation: Emilia was so disordered +and fatigued, that she begged to be excused from continuing the +exercise; and Peregrine's partner being disengaged, was paired with +the young officer, for whom she was originally designed. Meanwhile, +the bride withdrew into another apartment with her sister, and +expostulated with her upon her cruelty to Mr. Pickle, assuring her, +from Godfrey's information, that he had undergone a severe fit on +her account, which, in all likelihood would have a dangerous effect +upon his constitution. Though Emily was inflexible in her answers +to the kind remonstrances of the gentle Sophy, her heart was melting +with the impressions of pity and love; and, finding herself unable +to perform the duty of her function, in putting the bride to bed, +she retired to her own chamber, and in secret sympathized with the +distemper of her lover. + +In the morning, as early as decency would permit him to leave the +arms of his dear wife, Captain Gauntlet made a visit to Peregrine, +who had passed a very tedious and uneasy night, having been subject +to short intervals of delirium, during which Pipes had found it +very difficult to keep him fast belayed. He owned indeed to Godfrey, +that his imagination had been haunted by the ideas of Emilia +and her officer, which tormented him to an unspeakable degree of +anguish and distraction; and that he would rather suffer death than +a repetition of such excruciating reflections. He was, however, +comforted by his friend, who assured him, that his sister's inclinations +would in time prevail over all the endeavours of resentment and +pride, illustrating this asseveration by an account of the manner +in which she was affected by the knowledge of his disorder, and +advising him to implore the mediation of Sophy, in a letter which +she should communicate to Emilia. + +This was an opportunity which our hero thought too favourable to +be neglected: calling for paper, he sat up in his bed, and, in the +first transports of his emotion, wrote the following petition to +Godfrey's amiable wife:-- + + Dear Madam--The affliction of a contrite heart can never + appeal to your benevolence in vain, and, therefore, I + presume to approach you in this season of delight, with + the language of sorrow, requesting that you will espouse + the cause of an unhappy lover, who mourns with unutterable + anguish over his ruined hope, and intercede for my pardon + with that divine creature, whom, in the intemperance and + excess of passion, I have so mortally offended. Good Heaven! + is my guilt inexpiable? Am I excluded from all hope of + remission? Am I devoted to misery and despair? I have + offered all the atonement which the most perfect and sincere + penitence could suggest, and she rejects my humility and + repentance. If her resentment would pursue me to the grave, + let her signify her pleasure; and may I be branded with the + name of villain, and remembered with infamy and detestation + to all posterity, if I hesitate one moment in sacrificing a + life which is odious to Emilia. Ah! madam, while I thus pour + forth the effusions of my grief and distraction, I look + around the apartment in which I lie, and every well-known + object that salutes my view, recalls to my remembrance that + fond, that happy day, on which the fair, the good, the + tender-hearted Sophy became my advocate, though I was a + stranger to her acquaintance, and effected a transporting + reconciliation between me and that same enchanting beauty, + that is now so implacably incensed. If she is not satisfied + with the pangs of remorse and disappointment, the transports + of madness I have undergone, let her prescribe what further + penance she thinks I ought to endure, and when I decline her + sentence, let me be the object of her eternal disdain. + + I commit myself, dear madam! dear Sophy! dear partner of my + Friend! to your kind interposition. I know you will manage + my cause, as a concern on which my happiness entirely + depends; and I hope everything from your compassion and + beneficence, while I fear everything from her rigour and + barbarity. Yes! I call it barbarity, a savageness of delicacy + altogether inconsistent with the tenderness of human nature; + and may the most abject contempt be my portion, if I live + under its scourge! But I begin to rave. I conjure you by your + own humanity and sweetness of disposition, I conjure you by + your love for the man whom Heaven hath decreed your protector, + to employ your influence with that angel of wrath, in behalf + of your obliged and obedient servant. "P. PICKLE." + +This epistle was immediately transmitted by Godfrey to his wife, who +perused it with marks of the most humane sympathy; and, carrying it +into her sister's chamber, "Here is something," said she, presenting +the paper, "which I must recommend to your serious attention." Emilia, +who immediately guessed the meaning of this address, absolutely +refused to look upon it, or even to hear it read, till her brother, +entering her apartment, reprimanded her sharply for her obstinacy +and pride, accused her of folly and dissimulation, and entered +so warmly into the interests of his friend, that she thought him +unkind in his remonstrances, and, bursting into a flood of tears, +reproached him with partiality and want of affection. Godfrey, who +entertained the most perfect love and veneration for his sister, +asked pardon for having given offence, and, kissing the drops +from her fair eyes, begged she would, for his sake, listen to the +declaration of his friend. + +Thus solicited, she could not refuse to hear the letter, which, when +he had repeated, she lamented her own fate in being the occasion +of so much uneasiness, desired her brother to assure Mr. Pickle +that she was not a voluntary enemy to his peace; on the contrary, +she wished him all happiness, though she hoped he would not blame +her for consulting her own, in avoiding any future explanation or +connection with a person whose correspondence she found herself +under a necessity to renounce. In vain did the new-married couple +exhaust their eloquence in attempting to prove, that the reparation +which our hero had offered was adequate to the injury she had +sustained: that in reconciling herself to a penitent lover, who +subscribed to her own terms of submission, her honour would be +acquitted by the most scrupulous and severe judges of decorum; and +that her inflexibility would be justly ascribed to the pride and +insensibility of her heart. She turned a deaf ear to all their +arguments, exhortations, and entreaties, and threatened to leave the +house immediately, if they would not promise to drop that subject +of discourse. + +Godfrey, very much chagrined at the bad success of his endeavours, +returned to his friend, and made as favourable a report of the affair, +as the nature of his conversation with Emilia would permit; but as +he could not avoid mentioning her resolution in the close, Peregrine +was obliged to drink again the bitter draught of disappointment, +which put his passions into such a state of agitation, as produced +a short ecstasy of despair, in which he acted a thousand extravagances. +This paroxysm, however, soon subsided into a settled reserve of +gloomy resentment, which he in secret indulged, detaching himself, +as soon as possible, from the company of the soldier, on pretence +of retiring to rest. + +While he lay ruminating upon the circumstances of his present +situation, his friend Pipes, who knew the cause of his anxiety, +and firmly believed that Emilia loved his master at her heart, +howsoever she might attempt to disguise her sentiments; I say, Thomas +was taken with a conceit which he thought would set everything to +rights, and therefore put it in execution without further delay. +Laying aside his hat, he ran directly to the house of Sophy's father, +and, affecting an air of surprise and consternation, to which he +had never before been subject, thundered at the door with such an +alarming knock, as in a moment brought the whole family into the +hall. When he was admitted, he began to gape, stare, and pant at +the same time, and made no reply, when Godfrey asked what was the +matter, till Mrs. Gauntlet expressed her apprehensions about his +master. When Pickle's name was mentioned, he seemed to make an +effort to speak, and, in a bellowing tone, pronounced, "Brought +himself up, split my topsails!" So saying, he pointed to his own +neck, and rose upon his tiptoes, by way of explaining the meaning +of his words. + +Godfrey, without staying to ask another question, rushed out, and +flew towards the inn, with the utmost horror and concern; while +Sophy, who did not rightly understand the language of the messenger, +addressing herself to him a second time, said, "I hope no accident +has happened to Mr. Pickle?"--"No accident at all," replied Tom; +"he has only hanged himself for love." These words had scarcely +proceeded from his mouth, when Emilia, who stood listening at the +parlour door, shrieked aloud, and dropped down senseless upon the +floor; while her sister, who was almost equally shocked at the +intelligence, had recourse to the assistance of her maid, by whom +she was supported from falling. Pipes, hearing Emily's voice, +congratulated himself upon the success of his stratagem. He sprung +to her assistance, and, lifting her up into an easy chair, stood +by her, until he saw her recover from her swoon, and heard her call +upon his master's name, with all the frenzy of despairing love. Then +he bent his course back to the inn, overjoyed at the opportunity +of telling Peregrine what a confession he had extorted from his +mistress, and extremely vain of this proof of his own sagacity. + +In the meantime Godfrey arriving at the house in which he supposed +this fatal catastrophe had happened, ran upstairs to Peregrine's +chamber, without staying to make any inquiry below; and, finding +the door locked, burst it open with one stroke of his foot. But +what was his amazement, when, upon entrance, our hero, starting up +from the bed, saluted him with a boisterous exclamation of "Zounds! +who's there?" He was struck dumb with astonishment, which also riveted +him to the place where he stood, scarce crediting the testimony of +his own senses, till Peregrine, with an air of discontent, which +denoted him displeased with his intrusion, dispelled his apprehension +by a second address, saying, "I see you consider me as a friend, +by your using me without ceremony." The soldier, thus convinced +of the falsehood of the information he had received, began to +imagine, that Pickle had projected the plan which was executed by +his servant; and looking upon it as a piece of unjustifiable finesse, +which might be attended with very melancholy consequences to his +sister or wife, he answered, in a supercilious tone, that Mr. Pickle +must blame himself for the interruption of his repose, which was +entirely owing to the sorry jest he had set on foot. + +Pickle, who was the child of passion, and more than half mad with +impatience before this visit, hearing himself treated in such a +cavalier manner, advanced close up to Godfrey's breast, and assuming +a stern, or rather frantic countenance, "Hark ye, sir," said he, +"you are mistaken if you think I jest; I am in downright earnest, I +assure you." Gauntlet, who was not a man to be browbeaten, seeing +himself thus bearded by a person of whose conduct he had, he +thought, reason to complain, put on his military look of defiance, +and, erecting his chest, replied with an exalted voice, "Mr. Pickle, +whether you were in jest or earnest, you must give me leave to +tell you, that the scheme was childish, unseasonable, and unkind, +not to give it a harsher term."--"Death, sir!" cried our adventurer, +"you trifle with my disquiet; if there is any meaning in your +insinuation, explain yourself, and then I shall know what answer it +will befit me to give."--"I came with very different sentiments," +resumed the soldier, "but since you urge me to expostulation, +and behave with such unprovoked loftiness of displeasure, I will, +without circumlocution, tax you with having committed an outrage +upon the peace of my family, in sending your fellow to alarm us with +such an abrupt account of your having done violence upon yourself." +Peregrine, confounded at this imputation, stood silent, with a +most savage aspect of surprise, eager to know the circumstance to +which his accuser alluded, and incensed to find it beyond the sphere +of his comprehension. + +While these two irritated friends stood fronting each other with +mutual indignation in their eyes and attitudes, they were joined +by Pipes, who, without taking the least notice of the situation +in which he found them, told his master, that he might up with the +top-gallant masts of his heart, and out with his rejoicing pendants; +for as to Miss Emily, he had clapped her helm aweather, the vessel +wore, and now she was upon the other tack, standing right into the +harbour of his good-will. Peregrine, who was not yet a connoisseur +in the terms of his lacquey, commanded him, upon pain of his +displeasure, to be more explicit in his intelligence; and by dint +of divers questions, obtained a perfect knowledge of the scheme +which he had put in execution for his service. This information +perplexed him not a little; he would have chastised his servant +upon the spot for his temerity, had he not plainly perceived that +the fellow's intention was to promote his case and satisfaction; +and, on the other hand, he knew not how to acquit himself of the +suspicion which he saw Godfrey entertain of his being the projector +of the plan, without condescending to an explanation, which his +present disposition could not brook. After some pause, however, +turning to Pipes with a severe frown, "Rascal!" said he, "this is +the second time I have suffered in the opinion of that lady, by your +ignorance and presumption; if ever you intermeddle in my affairs +for the future, without express order and direction, by all that's +sacred, I will put you to death without mercy! Away, and let my +horse be saddled this instant." + +Pipes having withdrawn, in order to perform this piece of duty, +our young gentleman, addressing himself again to the soldier, and +laying his hand upon his breast, said, with a solemnity of regard, +"Captain Gauntlet, upon my honour, I am altogether innocent of +that shallow device which you impute to my invention; and I don't +think you do justice either to my intellect or honour, in supposing +me capable of such insolent absurdity. As for your sister, I +have once in my life affronted her in the madness and impetuosity +of desire; but I have made such acknowledgments, and offered such +atonement, as few women of her sphere would have refused; and before +God I am determined to endure every torment of disappointment and +despair, rather than prostrate myself again to the cruelty of her +unjustifiable pride." So saying, he stalked suddenly down-stairs, and +took horse immediately, his spirits being supported by resentment, +which prompted him to vow within himself, that he would seek +consolation for the disdain of Emilia, in the possession of the +first willing wench he should meet upon the road. + +While he set out for the garrison with these sentiments, Gauntlet, +in a suspense between anger, shame, and concern, returned to the +house of his father-in-law, where he found his sister still violently +agitated from the news of Peregrine's death; the mystery of which +he forthwith unravelled, recounting at the same time the particulars +of the conversation which had happened at the inn, and describing +the demeanour of Pickle with some expressions of asperity, which +were neither agreeable to Emilia, nor approved by the gentle Sophy, +who tenderly chid him, for allowing Peregrine to depart in terms +of misunderstanding. + + + + + +CHAPTER LXXXVII. + + + + +Peregrine sets out for the Garrison, and meets with a Nymph of the +Road, whom he takes into Keeping, and metamorphoses into a fine +Lady. + + +In the meantime, our hero jogged along in a profound reverie, which +was disturbed by a beggar-woman and her daughter, who solicited +him for alms, as he passed them on the road. The girl was about the +age of sixteen, and, notwithstanding the wretched equipage in which +she appeared, exhibited to his view a set of agreeable features, +enlivened with the complexion of health and cheerfulness. The resolution +I have already mentioned was still warm in his imagination; and he +looked upon this young mendicant as a very proper object for the +performance of his vow. He, therefore, entered into a conference +with the mother, and for a small sum of money purchased her property +in the wench, who did not require much courtship and entreaty, +before she consented to accompany him to any place that he should +appoint for her habitation. + +This contract being settled to his satisfaction, he ordered Pipes +to seat his acquisition behind him upon the crupper, and, alighting +at the first public-house which they found upon the road, he wrote +a letter to Hatchway, desiring him to receive this hedge inamorata, +and direct her to be cleaned and clothed in a decent manner, with +all expedition, so that she should be touchable upon his arrival, +which, on that account, he would defer for the space of one day. +This billet, together with the girl, he committed to the charge +of Pipes, after having laid strong injunctions upon him to abstain +from all attempts upon her chastity, and ordered him to make +the best of his way to the garrison, while he himself crossed the +country to a market town, where he proposed to spend the night. + +Tom, thus cautioned, proceeded with his charge, and, being naturally +taciturn, opened not his lips, until he had performed the best half +of his journey. But Thomas, notwithstanding his irony appearance, +was in reality composed of flesh and blood. His desire being +titillated by the contact of a buxom wench, whose right arm embraced +his middle as he rode, his thoughts began to mutiny against his +master, and he found it almost impossible to withstand the temptation +of making love. Nevertheless, he wrestled with these rebellious +suggestions with all the reason that Heaven had enabled him to exert; +and that being totally overcome, his victorious passion suddenly +broke out in this address: + +"'Sblood! I believe master thinks I have no more stuff in my body +than a dried haddock, to turn me adrift in the dark with such +a spanker. D'ye think he don't, my dear?" To this question his +fellow-traveller replied, "Swanker anan!" And the lover resumed +his suit, saying, "Oons! how you tickle my timber! Something shoots +from your arm, through my stowage, to the very keelstone. Han't +you got quicksilver in your hand?"--"Quicksilver!" said the lady, +"d--n the silver that has crossed my hand this month; d'ye think, +if I had silver, I shouldn't buy me a smock?"--"Adsooks! you baggage," +cried the lover, "you shouldn't want a smock nor a petticoat neither, +if you could have a kindness for a true-hearted sailor, as sound +and strong as a nine-inch cable, that would keep all clear above +board, and everything snug under the hatches."--"Curse your gum!" +said the charmer, "what's your gay balls and your hatches to me?"--"Do +but let us bring-to a little," answered the wooer, whose appetite +was by this time whetted to a most ravenous degree, "and I'll teach +you to box the compass, my dear. Ah! you strapper, what a jolly +b-- you are!"--"B--!" exclaimed this modern dulcinea, incensed at +the opprobrious term; "such a b-- as your mother, you dog! D-- you, +I've a good mind to box your jaws instead of your comepiss. I'll let +you know, as how I am meat for your master, you saucy blackguard. +You are worse than a dog, you old flinty-faced, flea-bitten scrub. +A dog wears his own coat, but you wear your master's." + +Such a torrent of disgraceful epithets from a person who had no +clothes at all, converted the gallant's love into choler, and he +threatened to dismount and seize her to a tree, when she should have +a taste of his cat-o'-nine-tails athwart her quarters; but, instead +of being intimidated by his menaces, she set him at defiance, and +held forth with such a flow of eloquence, as would have entitled +her to a considerable share of reputation, even among the nymphs of +Billingsgate; for this young lady, over and above a natural genius +for altercation, had her talents cultivated among the venerable +society of weeders, podders, and hoppers, with whom she had associated +from her tender years. No wonder, then, that she soon obtained a +complete victory over Pipes, who, as the reader may have observed, +was very little addicted to the exercise of speech. Indeed, he +was utterly disconcerted by her volubility of tongue; and, being +altogether unfurnished with answers to the distinct periods of her +discourse, very wisely chose to save himself the expense of breath +and argument, by giving her a full swing of cable, so that she +might bring herself up; while he rode onwards, in silent composure, +without taking any more notice of his fair fellow-traveller, than +if she had been his master's cloak-bag. + +In spite of all the despatch he could make, it was late before +he arrived at the garrison, where he delivered the letter and the +lady to the lieutenant, who no sooner understood the intention of +his friend, than he ordered all the tubs in the house to be carried +into the hall, and filled with water. Tom having provided himself +with swabs and brushes, divested the fair stranger of her variegated +drapery, which was immediately committed to the flames, and performed +upon her soft and sleek person the ceremony of scrubbing, as it +is practised on board of the king's ships of war. Yet the nymph +herself did not submit to this purification without repining. +She cursed the director, who was upon the spot, with many abusive +allusions to his wooden leg; and as for Pipes the operator, she +employed her talons so effectually upon his face, that the blood +ran over his nose in sundry streams; and next morning, when those +rivulets were dry, his countenance resembled the rough bark of a +plum-tree, plastered with gum. Nevertheless, he did his duty with +great perseverance, cut off her hair close to the scalp, handled +his brushes with dexterity, applied his swabs of different magnitude +and texture, as the case required; and, lastly, rinsed the whole +body with a dozen pails of cold water, discharged upon her head. + +These ablutions being executed, he dried her with towels, accommodated +her with a clean shift, and, acting the part of a valet-de-chambre, +clothed her from head to foot, in clean and decent apparel which +had belonged to Mrs. Hatchway; by which means her appearance was +altered so much for the better, that when Peregrine arrived next +day, he could scarce believe his own eyes. He was, for that reason, +extremely well pleased with his purchase, and now resolved to +indulge a whim, which seized him at the very instant of his arrival. + +He had, as I believe the reader will readily allow, made considerable +progress in the study of character, from the highest rank to the +most humble station of life, and found it diversified in the same +manner, through every degree of subordination and precedency: +nay, he moreover observed, that the conversation of those who are +dignified with the appellation of polite company, is neither more +edifying nor entertaining than that which is met with among the +lower classes of mankind; and that the only essential difference, +in point of demeanour, is the form of an education, which the +meanest capacity can acquire, without much study or application. +Possessed of this notion, he determined to take the young mendicant +under his own tutorage and instruction. In consequence of which, he +hoped he should, in a few weeks, be able to produce her in company, +as an accomplished young lady of uncommon wit, and an excellent +understanding. + +This extravagant plan he forthwith began to execute with great +eagerness and industry; and his endeavours succeeded even beyond +his expectation. The obstacle, in surmounting of which he found +the greatest difficulty, was an inveterate habit of swearing, which +had been indulged from her infancy, and confirmed by the example +of those among whom she had lived. However, she had the rudiments +of good sense from nature, which taught her to listen to wholesome +advice, and was so docile as to comprehend and retain the lessons +which her governor recommended to her attention; insomuch, that +he ventured, in a few days, to present her at table, among a set +of country squires, to whom she was introduced as niece to the +lieutenant. In that capacity she sat with becoming easiness of +mien, for she was as void of the mauvaise honte as any duchess in +the land; bowed very graciously to the compliments of the gentlemen; +and though she said little or nothing, because she was previously +cautioned on that score, she more than once gave way to laughter, +and her mirth happened to be pretty well timed. In a word, she +attracted the applause and admiration of the guests, who, after she +was withdrawn, complimented Mr. Hatchway upon the beauty, breeding, +and good-humour of his kinswoman. + +But what contributed more than any other circumstance to her speedy +improvement, was some small insight into the primer, which she had +acquired at a day-school, during the life of her father, who was +a day-labourer in the country. Upon this foundation did Peregrine +build a most elegant superstructure; he culled out choice sentences +from Shakespeare, Otway, and Pope, and taught her to repeat them +with an emphasis and theatrical cadence. He then instructed her in +the names and epithets of the most celebrated players, which he +directed her to pronounce occasionally, with an air of careless +familiarity; and, perceiving that her voice was naturally clear, +he enriched it with remnants of opera tunes, to be hummed during +a pause in conversation, which is generally supplied with a +circulation of a pinch of snuff. By means of this cultivation she +became a wonderful proficient in the polite graces of the age; +she, with great facility, comprehended the scheme of whist, though +cribbage was her favourite game, with which she had amused herself +in her vacant hours, from her first entrance into the profession of +hopping; and brag soon grew familiar to her practice and conception. + +Thus prepared, she was exposed to the company of her own sex, being +first of all visited by the parson's daughter, who could not avoid +showing that civility to Mr. Hatchway's niece, after she had made +her public appearance at church. Mrs. Clover, who had a great share +of penetration, could not help entertaining some doubts about this +same relation, whose name she had never heard the uncle mention, +during the whole term of her residence at the garrison. But as the +young lady was treated in that character, she would not refuse her +acquaintance; and, after having seen her at the castle, actually +invited Miss Hatchway to her house. In short, she made a progress +through almost all the families in the neighbourhood; and by dint +of her quotations, which, by the bye, were not always judiciously +used, she passed for a sprightly young lady, of uncommon learning +and taste. + +Peregrine having in this manner initiated her in the beau monde of +the country, conducted her to London, where she was provided with +private lodgings and a female attendant; and put her immediately +under the tuition of his valet-de-chambre, who had orders to instruct +her in dancing, and the French language. He attended her to plays +and concerts three or four times a week; and when our hero thought +her sufficiently accustomed to the sight of great company, he squired +her in person to a public assembly, and danced with her among all +the gay ladies of fashion; not but that there was still an evident +air of rusticity and awkwardness in her demeanour, which was +interpreted into an agreeable wildness of spirit, superior to the +forms of common breeding. He afterwards found means to make her +acquainted with some distinguished patterns of her own sex, by whom +she was admitted into the most elegant parties, and continued to +make good her pretensions to gentility, with great circumspection. +But one evening, being at cards with a certain lady whom she detected +in the very fact of unfair conveyance, she taxed her roundly with +the fraud, and brought upon herself such a torrent of sarcastic +reproof, as overbore all her maxims of caution, and burst open +the floodgates of her own natural repartee, twanged off with the +appellation of b-- and w--, which she repeated with great vehemence, +in an attitude of manual defiance, to the terror of her antagonist, +and the astonishment of all present; nay, to such an unguarded pitch +was she provoked, that, starting up, she snapped her fingers, in +testimony of disdain, and, as she quitted the room, applied her hand +to that part which was the last of her that disappeared, inviting +the company to kiss it by one of its coarsest denominations. + +Peregrine was a little disconcerted at this oversight in her +behaviour, which, by the demon of intelligence, was in a moment +conveyed to all the private companies in town; so that she was +absolutely excluded from all polite communication, and Peregrine, +for the present, disgraced among the modest part of his female +acquaintance, many of whom not only forbade him their houses, on +account of the impudent insult he had committed upon their honour, +as well as understanding, in palming a common trull upon them, as +a young lady of birth and education; but also aspersed his family, +by affirming that she was actually his own cousin-german, whom he +had precipitately raised from the most abject state of humility +and contempt. In revenge for this calumny, our young gentleman +explained the whole mystery of her promotion, together with the +motives that induced him to bring her into the fashionable world; +and repeated among his companions the extravagant encomiums which +had been bestowed upon her by the most discerning matrons of the +age. + +Meanwhile, the infanta herself being rebuked by her benefactor +for this instance of misbehaviour, promised faithfully to keep a +stricter guard for the future over her conduct, and applied herself +with great assiduity to the studies, in which she was assisted +by the Swiss, who gradually lost the freedom of his heart, while +she was profiting by his instruction. In other words, she made a +conquest of her preceptor, who yielding to the instigations of the +flesh, chose a proper opportunity to declare his passion, which +was powerfully recommended by his personal qualifications; and +his intentions being honourable, she listened to his proposals +of espousing her in private. In consequence of this agreement, +they made an elopement together; and, being buckled at the Fleet, +consummated their nuptials in private lodgings, by the Seven Dials, +from which the husband next morning sent a letter to our hero +begging forgiveness for the clandestine step he had taken, which he +solemnly protested was not owing to any abatement in his inviolable +regard for his master, whom he should always honour and esteem to +his latest breath, but entirely to the irresistible charms of the +young lady, to whom he was now so happy as to be joined in the +silken bonds of marriage. + +Peregrine, though at first offended at his valet's presumption, +was, upon second thoughts, reconciled to the event by which he was +delivered from an encumbrance; for by this time he had performed +his frolic, and began to be tired of his acquisition. He reflected +upon the former fidelity of the Swiss, which had been manifested +in a long course of service and attachment; and, thinking it would +be cruelly severe to abandon him to poverty and distress for one +venial trespass, he resolved to pardon what he had done, and enable +him in some shape to provide for the family which he had entailed +upon himself. + +With these sentiments, he sent a favourable answer to the delinquent, +desiring to see him as soon as his passion should permit him +to leave the arms of his spouse for an hour or two; and Hadgi, in +obedience to this intimation, repaired immediately to the lodgings +of his master, before whom he appeared with a most penitential +aspect. Peregrine, though he could scarce help laughing at his +rueful length of face, reprimanded him sharply, for his disrespect +and ingratitude in taking that by stealth which he might have had +for asking. The culprit assured him, that next to the vengeance of +God, his master's displeasure was that which of all evils he dreaded +to incur; but that love had distracted his brain in such a manner, +as to banish every other consideration but that of gratifying his +desire; and he owned, that he should not have been able to preserve his +fidelity and duty to his own father, had they interfered with the +interest of his passion. He then appealed to his master's own heart +for the remission of his guilt, alluding to certain circumstances +of our hero's conduct, which evinced the desperate effects of +love. In short, he made such an apology as extorted a smile from +his offended judge, who not only forgave his transgression, but +also promised to put him in some fair way of earning a comfortable +subsistence. + +The Swiss was so much affected with this instance of generosity, +that he fell upon his knees, and kissed his hand, praying to +heaven, with great fervour, to make him worthy of such goodness +and condescension. His scheme, he said, was to open a coffee-house +and tavern in some creditable part of the town, in hopes of being +favoured with the custom of a numerous acquaintance he had made +among upper servants and reputable tradesmen, not doubting that +his wife would be an ornament to his bar, and a careful manager of +his affairs. Peregrine approved of the plan, towards the execution +of which he made him and his wife a present of five hundred pounds, +together with a promise of erecting a weekly club among his friends, +for the reputation and advantage of the house. + +Hadgi was so transported with his good fortune, that he ran to Pipes, +who was in the room, and having hugged him with great cordiality, +and made his obeisance to his master, hied him home to his bride, +to communicate his happiness, cutting capers, and talking to himself +all the way. + + + + + +CHAPTER LXXXVIII. + + + + +He is visited by Pallet--Contracts an Intimacy with a Newmarket +Nobleman, and is by the Knowing Ones taken in. + + +This affair being settled, and our adventurer, for the present, +free of all female connections, he returned to his former course of +fast living among the bucks of the town, and performed innumerable +exploits among whores, bullies, rooks, constables, and justices of +the peace. In the midst of these occupations, he was one morning +visited by his old fellow-traveller, Pallet, whose appearance gave +him equal surprise and concern. Though the weather was severe, he +was clothed in the thin summer dress which he had worn at Paris, +and was now, not only threadbare, but, in some parts, actually +patched; his stockings, by a repetition of that practice known among +economists by the term of coaxing, hung like pudding-bags about +his ankles; his shirt, though new washed, was of the saffron hue, +and, in divers places, appeared through the crannies of his breeches; +he had exchanged his own hair for a smoke-dried tie-periwig, which +all the flour in his dredging-box had not been able to whiten; his +eyes were sunk, his jaws lengthened beyond their usual extension; +and he seemed twenty years older than he looked when he and our hero +parted at Rotterdam. In spite of all these evidences of decay, he +accosted him with a meagre affectation of content and good-humour, +struggled piteously to appear gay and unconcerned, professed his +joy at seeing him in England, excused himself for having delayed +so long to come and present his respects; alleging that, since +his return, he had been a mere slave to the satisfaction of some +persons of quality and taste, who had insisted upon his finishing +some pieces with the utmost expedition. + +Peregrine received him with that compassion and complaisance which +was natural to his disposition; inquired about the health of Mrs. +Pallet and his family, and asked if his friend, the doctor, was +in town. The painter seemed to have resumed his resentment against +that gentleman, of whom he spoke in contemptuous terms. "The doctor," +said he, "is so much overshadowed with presumption and self-conceit, +that his merit has no relief. It does not rise. There is no keeping +in the picture, my dear sir. All the same as if I were to represent +the moon under a cloud; there will be nothing but a deep mass of +shade, with a little tiny speck of light in the middle, which would +only serve to make, as it were, the darkness visible. You understand +me. Had he taken my advice, it might have been better for him; but +he is bigoted to his own opinion. You must know, Mr. Pickle, upon +our return to England, I counselled him to compose a little smart, +clever ode upon my Cleopatra. As Gad shall judge me, I thought it +would have been of some service, in helping him out of obscurity; +for you know, as Sir Richard observes, + + "Soon will that die, which adds thy fame to mine; + Let me then live, join'd to a work of thine." + +"By the bye, there is a most picturesque contrast in these lines, +of thy and me, living and dying, and thine and mine. Ah! a prize +upon it! Dick, after all, was the man. Ecod! he rounded it off. +But, to return to this unhappy young man, would you believe it, he +tossed up his nose at my friendly proposal, and gabbled something +in Greek, which is not worth repeating. The case was this, my dear +sir, he was out of humour at the neglect of the world. He thought +the poets of the age were jealous of his genius, and strove to crush +it accordingly, while the rest of mankind wanted taste sufficient +to discern it. For my own part, I profess myself one of these; and, +as the clown in Billy Shakespeare says of the courtier's oath, had +I sworn by the doctor's genius, that the pancakes were naught, they +might have been for all that very good, yet shouldn't I have been +forsworn. Let that be as it will, he retired from town in great +dudgeon, and set up his rest near a hill in Derbyshire, with two +tops, resembling Parnassus, and a well at the bottom, which he had +christened Hyp-o'-the-Green. Egad! if he stays in that habitation, +'tis my opinion he'll soon grow green with the hip indeed. He'll +be glad of an opportunity to return to the fleshpots of Egypt, and +pay his court to the slighted Queen Cleopatra. Ha! well remembered, +by this light! you shall know, my good sir, that this same Egyptian +princess has been courted by so many gallants of taste, that, as +I hope to live, I found myself in some sort of dilemma, because in +parting with her to one, I should have disobliged all his rivals. +Now a man would not choose to give offence to his friends, at +least I lay it down as a maxim to avoid the smallest appearance of +ingratitude. Perhaps I may be in the wrong. But every man has his +way. For this reason, I proposed to all the candidates, that a +lottery or raffle should be set on foot, by which every individual +would have an equal chance for her good graces, and the prize be +left to the decision of fortune. The scheme was mightily relished, +and the terms being such a trifle as half a guinea, the whole +town crowded into my house, in order to subscribe. But there I was +their humble servant. 'Gentlemen, you must have a little patience +till my own particular friends are served.' Among that number, +I do myself the honour to consider Mr. Pickle. Here is a copy of +the proposals; and, if the list should be adorned with his name, I +hope, notwithstanding his merited success among the young ladies, +he will for once be shunned by that little vixen called Miss Fortune! +he, he, he!" + +So saying, he bowed with a thousand apish congees, and presented +his paper to Peregrine, who, seeing the number of subscribers +was limited to one hundred, said he thought him too moderate in +his expectations, as he did not doubt that his picture would be a +cheap purchase at five hundred, instead of fifty pounds, at which +the price was fixed. To this unexpected remark Pallet answered, +that among the connoisseurs he would not pretend to appraise his +picture; but that, in valuing his works, he was obliged to have +an eye to the Gothic ignorance of the age in which he lived. Our +adventurer saw at once into the nature of this raffle, which was +no other than a begging shift to dispose of a paltry piece, that +he could not otherwise have sold for twenty shillings. However, +far from shocking the poor man in distress, by dropping the least +hint of his conjecture, he desired to be favoured with six chances, +if the circumstances of his plan would indulge him so far; and the +painter, after some hesitation, condescended to comply with his +request, out of pure friendship and veneration; though he observed, +that, in so doing, he must exclude some of his most intimate +companions. Having received the money he gave Pickle his address, +desiring he would, with his convenience, visit the princess, who, +he was sure, would display her most engaging attractions, in order +to captivate his fancy; and took his leave extremely well pleased +with the success of his application. + +Though Peregrine was tempted with the curiosity of seeing +this portrait, which he imagined must contain some analogy to the +ridiculous oddity of the painter, he would not expose himself to +the disagreeable alternative of applauding the performance, contrary +to the dictates of conscience and common sense, or of condemning +it, to the unspeakable mortification of the miserable author; +and therefore never dreamt of returning the painter's visit. Nor +did he ever hear of the lottery's being drawn. About this time he +was invited to spend a few weeks at the country seat of a certain +nobleman, with whom he had contracted an acquaintance, in the course +of his debauches, which we have already described. His lordship +being remarkable for his skill and success in horse-racing, his +house was continually filled with the connoisseurs and admirers +of that sport, upon which the whole conversation turned, insomuch +that Peregrine gradually imbibed some knowledge in horse-flesh, and +the diversions of the course; for the whole occupation of the day, +exclusive of eating and drinking, consisted in viewing, managing, +and exercising his lordship's stud. + +Our hero looked upon these amusements with an eye of taste as well +as curiosity; he contemplated the animal as a beautiful and elegant +part of the creation, and relished the surprising exertion of its +speed with a refined and classical delight. In a little time he +became personally acquainted with every horse in the stable, and +interested himself in the reputation of each; while he also gratified +his appetite for knowledge, in observing the methods of preparing +their bodies, and training them to the race. His lordship saw +and encouraged his eagerness, from which he promised himself some +advantage; he formed several private matches for his entertainment, +and flattered his discernment, by permitting him to be successful in +the first bets he made. Thus was he artfully decoyed into a spirit +of keenness and adventure, and disposed to depend upon his own +judgment, in opposition to that of people who had made horse-racing +the sole study of their lives. He accompanied my lord to Newmarket, +and, entering at once into the genius of the place, was marked as fair +game, by all the knowing ones there assembled, many of whom found +means to take him in, in spite of all the cautions and admonitions +of his lordship, who wanted to reserve him for his own use. + +It is almost impossible for any man, let him be never so fearful +or phlegmatic, to be an unconcerned spectator in this busy scene. +The demon of play hovers in the air, like a pestilential vapour, +tainting the minds of all present with infallible infection, which +communicates from one person to another, like the circulation of +a general panic. Peregrine was seized with this epidemic distemper +to a violent degree; and, after having lost a few loose hundreds, +in his progress through the various rookeries of the place, entered +into partnership with his noble friend in a grand match, upon the +issue of which he ventured no less than three thousand pounds. +Indeed he would not have risked such a considerable sum, had not +his own confidence been reinforced by the opinion and concurrence +of his lordship, who hazarded an equal bet upon the same event. These +two associates engaged themselves in the penalty of six thousand +pounds, to run one chaise and four against another, three times +round the course; and our adventurer had the satisfaction of seeing +his antagonist distanced in the first and second heat; but, all +of a sudden, one of the horses of his machine was knocked up, by +which accident the victory was ravished almost from his very grasp, +and he was obliged to endure the damage and the scorn. + +He was deeply affected with this misfortune, which he imputed to his +own extravagance and temerity; but discovered no external signs of +affliction, because his illustrious partner bore his loss with the +most philosophic resignation, consoling himself, as well as Pickle, +with the hope of making it up on some other occasion. Nevertheless, +our young gentleman could not help admiring, and even envying his +equanimity, not knowing that his lordship had managed matters so +as to be a gainer by the misfortune; which to retrieve, Peregrine +purchased several horses, at the recommendation of his friend; and, +instead of returning to London, made a tour with him to all the +celebrated races in England, at which, after several vicissitudes +of fortune, he made shift, before the end of the season, to treble +his loss. + +But his hopes seemed to increase with his ill-luck. In the +beginning of winter he came to town, fully persuaded that fortune +must necessarily change, and that next season he should reap the +happy fruits of his experience. In this confidence, he seemed to +drown all ideas of prudence and economy. His former expense was mere +parsimony, compared with that which he now incurred. He subscribed +to the opera, and half a dozen concerts at different parts of the +town; was a benefactor to several hospitals; purchased a collection +of valuable pictures; took a house, and furnished it in a most +magnificent taste, laid in a large stock of French wines, and gave +extravagant entertainments to his quality friends, who, in return, +loaded him with compliments, and insisted upon his making use of +their interest and goodwill. + + + + + +CHAPTER LXXXIX. + + + + +He is taken into the Protection of a great Man--Sets up for a +Member of Parliament--Is disappointed in his Expectation, and finds +himself egregiously outwitted. + + +Among these professed patrons, the greatest part of whom Peregrine +saw through, there was one great personage, who seemed to support +with dignity the sphere in which fortune had placed him. His +behaviour to Pickle was not a series of grinning complaisance in +a flat repetition of general expressions of friendship and regard. +He demeaned himself with a seemingly honest reserve, in point of +profession; his advances to Peregrine appeared to be the result of +deliberation and experiment; he chid the young gentleman for his +extravagance, with the authority of a parent, and the sincerity +of a fast friend; and having, by gradual inquiries, made himself +acquainted with the state of his private affairs, condemned his +conduct with an air of candour and concern. He represented to him +the folly and dangerous consequences of the profligate life in +which he had plunged himself, counselled him with great warmth to +sell off his race-horses, which would otherwise insensibly eat him +up; to retrench all superfluous expense, which would only serve +to expose him to the ridicule and ingratitude of those who were +benefited by it; to lay out his money upon secure mortgages, at good +interest; and carry into execution his former design of standing +candidate for a borough, at the ensuing election for a new +parliament; in which case this nobleman promised to assist him with +his influence and advice; assuring him, that, if he could once +procure a seat in the house, he might look upon his fortune as +already made. + +Our adventurer perceiving the wisdom and sanity of this advice, +for which he made his acknowledgments to his generous monitor, +protested that he would adhere to it in every particular, and +immediately set about a reformation. He accordingly took cognizance +of his most minute affairs, and, after an exact scrutiny, gave his +patron to understand, that, exclusive of his furniture, his fortune +was reduced to fourteen thousand three hundred and thirty pounds, +in Bank and South-sea annuities, over and above the garrison and its +appendages, which he reckoned at sixty pounds a year. He therefore +desired, that, as his lordship had been so kind as to favour him +with his friendship and advice, he would extend his generosity still +farther, by putting him in a way of making the most advantage of +his money. My lord said, that, for his own part, he did not choose +to meddle in money matters; that Mr. Pickle would find abundance +of people ready to borrow it upon land security; but that he ought +to be extremely cautious in a transaction of such consequence; +promising, at the same time, to employ his own steward in seeking +out a mortgager to whom it might be safely lent. + +This agent was accordingly set at work, and for a few days made a +fruitless inquiry; so that the young gentleman was obliged to have +recourse to his own intelligence, by which he got notice of several +people of reputed credit, who offered him mortgages for the whole +sum; but when he made a report of the particulars to his noble +friend, his lordship started such doubts and objections relating +to each, that he was deterred from entering into any engagements +with the proposers; congratulating himself, in the meantime, on +his good fortune, in being favoured with the advice and direction +of such a sage counsellor. Nevertheless, he began to be impatient, +after having unsuccessfully consulted all the money brokers and +conveyancers about town, and resolved to try the expedient of a +public advertisement. But he was persuaded by my lord to postpone +that experiment, until every other method should have failed, because +it would attract the attention of all the pettifoggers in London, +who, though they might not be able to overreach, would infallibly +harass and tease him out of all tranquility. + +It was on the back of this conversation that Peregrine, chancing to +meet the steward near his lord's house, stopped him in the street, +to give him an account of his bad luck; at which the other expressed +some concern, and rubbing his chin with his hand, in a musing +posture, told Pickle, there was a thought just come into his head, +pointing out one way of doing his business effectually. The youth, +upon this intimation, begged he would accompany him to the next +coffee-house, in which having chosen a private situation, this grave +manager gave him to understand, that a part of my lord's estate was +mortgaged, in consequence of a debt contracted by his grandfather, +for provision to the younger children of the family; and that the +equity of redemption would be foreclosed in a few months, unless +the burden could be discharged. "My lord," said he, "has always +lived in a splendid manner, and, notwithstanding his ample fortune, +together with the profits accruing from the posts he enjoys, he +saves so little money, that, upon this occasion, I know he will be +obliged to borrow ten thousand pounds to make up the sum that is +requisite to redeem the mortgage. Now, certain I am, that, when +his design comes to be known, he will be solicited on all hands +by people desirous of lending money upon such undoubted security; +and 'tis odds but he has already promised the preference to some +particular acquaintance. However, as I know he has your interest +very much at heart, I will, if you please, sound his lordship upon +the subject, and in a day or two give you notice of my success." + +Peregrine, ravished with the prospect of settling this affair so +much to his satisfaction, thanked the steward for his friendly hint +and undertaking, which he assured him should be acknowledged by a +more solid proof of his gratitude, provided the business could be +brought to bear; and next day he was visited by this kind manager, +with the happy news of his lordship's having consented to borrow +ten thousand pounds of his stock upon mortgage, at the interest of +five per cent. This information he received as an instance of the +singular esteem of his noble patron; and the papers being immediately +drawn and executed, the money was deposited in the hands of the +mortgager, who, in the hearing of the lender, laid strong injunctions +on his steward to pay the interest punctually at quarter-day. + +The best part of our hero's fortune being thus happily deposited, +and the agent gratified with a present of fifty pieces, he began +to put his retrenching scheme in execution; all his servants, Pipes +excepted, were discharged, his chariot and running horses disposed +of, his housekeeping broken up, and his furniture sold by auction: +nay, the heat of his disposition was as remarkable in this as any +other transaction in his life; for every step of his saving project +was taken with such eagerness, and even precipitation, that most of +his companions thought he was either ruined or mad. But he answered +all their expostulations with a string of prudent apophthegms, such +as, "The shortest follies are the best"; "Better to retrench upon +conviction than compulsion"; and divers other wise maxims, seemingly +the result of experience and philosophic reflection. To such a +degree of enthusiasm did his present economy prevail, that he was +actually seized with the desire of amassing. And as he every day +received proposals from those brokers whom he had employed, about +the disposal of his cash, he at length ventured fifteen hundred +pounds upon bottomry, being tempted by the excessive premium. + +But it must be observed, for the honour of our adventurer, that +this reformation did not at all interfere with the good qualities +of his heart. He was still as friendly and benevolent as ever, +though his liberality was more subject to the restraint of reason; +and he might have justly pleaded, in vindication of his generosity, +that he retrenched the superfluities in his own way of living, in +order to preserve the power of assisting his fellow-creatures in +distress. Numberless were the objects to which he extended his +charity in private. Indeed, he exerted this virtue in secret, not +only on account of avoiding the charge of ostentation, but also because +he was ashamed of being detected in such an awkward unfashionable +practice, by the censorious observers of this humane generation. +In this particular, he seemed to confound the ideas of virtue and +vice; for he did good, as other people do evil, by stealth; and was +so capricious in point of behaviour, that frequently, in public, +he wagged his tongue in satirical animadversions upon that poverty +which his hand had in private relieved. Yet, far from shunning the +acquaintance, or discouraging the solicitation of those who, he +thought, wanted his assistance, he was always accessible, open, and +complaisant to them, even when the haughtiness of his temper kept +his superiors at a distance; and often saved a modest man the +anguish and confusion of declaring himself, by penetrating into +his necessity, and anticipating his request, in a frank offer of +his purse and friendship. Not that he practised this beneficence +to all the needy of his acquaintance without distinction; there +is always a set of idle profligate fellows, who, having squandered +away their own fortunes, and conquered all sense of honour and +shame, maintain themselves by borrowing from those who have not +yet finished the same career, and want resolution to resist their +importunate demands. To these he was always inflexible; though he +could not absolutely detach himself from their company, because, +by dint of effrontery, and such of their original connections as +they have been able to retain, they find admission to all places +of fashionable resort. + +Several unsuccessful attacks had been made upon his pocket by +beggars of this class. One of the most artful of them, having one +day joined him in the Mall, and made the usual observation on the +weather, d--d all the fogs of London, and began a dissertation on the +difference of air, preferring that of the country in which he was +born to any climate under the sun. "Were you ever in Gloucestershire?" +said he to Peregrine; who replying in the negative, he thus went +on: "I have got a house there, where I should be glad to see you. +Let us go down together during the Easter holidays; I can promise +you good country fare and wholesome exercise; for I have everything +within myself, and as good a pack of fox-hounds as any in the three +kingdoms. I shan't pretend to expatiate upon the elegance of the +house, which to be sure is an old building; and these, you know, +are generally cold, and not very convenient. But, curse the house! +the dirty acres about it are the thing; and d--d fine parcel they +are to be sure. If my old grandmother was dead--she can't live another +season, for she's turned of fourscore, and quite worn out: nay, as +for that matter, I believe I have got a letter in my pocket, giving +an account of her being despaired of by the doctors. Let me see--No, +d-- it! I left it at home, in the pocket of another coat." + +Pickle, who, from the beginning of this harangue, saw its tendency, +seemed to yield the most serious attention to what he said: breaking +in upon it, every now and then, with the interjections, hum! ha! the +deuce! and several civil questions, from which the other conceived +happy omens of success; till perceiving they had advanced as far +as the passage into St. James's, the mischievous youth interrupted +him all at once, saying, "I see you are for the end of the walk; +this is my way." With these words he took leave of the saunterer, +who would have delayed his retreat, by calling to him aloud, that +he had not yet described the situation of his castle. But Peregrine, +without stopping, answered in the same tone, "Another time will do +as well"; and in a moment disappeared, leaving the projector very +much mortified with his disappointment; for his intention was to +close the description with a demand of twenty pieces, to be repaid +out of the first remittance he should receive from his estate. + +It would have been well for our hero, had he always acted with the +same circumspection. But he had his unguarded moments, in which he +fell a prey to the unsuspecting integrity of his own heart. There +was a person among the number of his acquaintances, whose conversation +he particularly relished, because it was frank, agreeable, and +fraught with many sensible observations upon the craft and treachery +of mankind. This gentleman had made shift to discuss a very genteel +fortune, though it was spent with taste and reputation, and now +he was reduced to his shifts for the maintenance of his family, +which consisted of a wife and child. Not that he was destitute of +the necessaries of life, being comfortably supplied by the bounty +of his friends; but this was a provision not at all suited to his +inclination; and he had endeavoured, by divers unsuccessful schemes, +to retrieve his former independency. + +Peregrine happened one evening to be sitting alone in a coffee-house, +where he overheard a conversation between this schemer and another +gentleman, touching an affair that engaged his attention. The +stranger had been left trustee for fifteen hundred pounds bequeathed +to the other's daughter by an aunt, and was strongly solicited to +pay the money to the child's father, who assured him, he had then +an opportunity to lay it out in such a manner as would greatly +conduce to the advantage of his family. The trustee reminded him +of the nature of his charge, which made him accountable for the +money until the child should have attained the age of eighteen; but +at the same time gave him to understand, that, if he could procure +such security as would indemnify him from the consequences, he +would forthwith pay the legacy into his hands. To this proposal +the father replied. that it was not to be supposed he would risk +the fortune of his only child upon any idle scheme or precarious +issue; and therefore he thought it reasonable, that he should have +the use of it in the meantime; and that, as to security, he was +loth to trouble any of his friends about an affair which might be +compromised without their interposition; observing, that he would +not look upon his condescension as a favour, if obtained by security, +on which he could borrow the same sum from any usurer in town. + +After much importunity on one side, and evasion on the other, the +moneyed gentleman told him, that, though he would not surrender the +sum deposited in his hands for the use of his daughter, he would +lend him what he should have occasion for in the meantime; and if, +upon her being of age, he should be able to obtain her concurrence, +the money should be placed to her account, provided he could find +any person of credit, who would join with him in a bond, for the +assurance of the lender. This proviso was an obstruction which the +other would not have been able to surmount, without great difficulty, +had not his cause been espoused by our hero, who thought it was a +pity a man of honour and understanding should suffer in his principal +concerns on such a paltry consideration. He therefore, presuming +on his acquaintance, interposed in the conversation as a friend, +who interested himself in the affair; and, being fully informed +of the particulars, offered himself as a security for the lender. +This gentleman being a stranger to Peregrine, was next day made +acquainted with his funds; and, without further scruple, accommodated +his friend with one thousand pounds, for which he took their bond +payable in six months, though he protested that the money should +never be demanded, until the infant should be of age, unless some +accident should happen which he could not then foresee. Pickle +believed this declaration sincere, because he could have no interest +in dissembling; but what he chiefly depended upon, for his own +security, was the integrity and confidence of the borrower, who +assured him, that happen what would, he should be able to stand +between him and all danger; the nature of his plan being such as +would infallibly treble the sum in a very few months. + +In a little time after this transaction, writs being issued out +for electing a new parliament, our adventurer, by the advice of his +patron, went into the country, in order to canvass for a borough, +and lined his pockets with a competent share of banknotes for the +occasion. But in this project he unfortunately happened to interfere +with the interest of a great family in the opposition, who, for +a long series of years, had made members for that place; and were +now so much offended at the intrusion of our young gentleman, that +they threatened to spend ten thousand pounds in frustrating his +design. This menace was no other than an incitement to Peregrine, +who confided so much in his own influence and address, that he +verily believed he should be able to baffle his grace, even in his +own territories. By that victory he hoped to establish his reputation +and interest with the minister, who, through the recommendation of +his noble friend, countenanced his cause, and would have been very +well pleased to see one of his great enemies suffer such a disgraceful +overthrow, which would have, moreover, in a great measure, shaken +his credit with his faction. + +Our hero, intoxicated with the ideas of pride and ambition, put +all his talents to the test, in the execution of this project. He +spared no expense in treating the electors; but, finding himself +rivalled in this respect by his competitor, who was powerfully +supported, he had recourse to those qualifications in which he +thought himself superior. He made balls for the ladies, visited +the matrons of the corporation, adapted himself to their various +humours with surprising facility, drank with those who loved a +cherishing cup in private, made love to the amorous, prayed with +the religious, gossiped with those who delighted in scandal, and +with great sagacity contrived agreeable presents to them all. This +was the most effectual method of engaging such electors as were +under the influence of their wives. As for the rest, he assailed +them in their own way, setting whole hogsheads of beer and wine +abroach, for the benefit of comers; and into those sordid hearts +that liquor would not open, he found means to convey himself by +the help of a golden key. + +While he thus exerted himself, his antagonist was not idle: his +age and infirmities would not permit him to enter personally into +their parties; but his stewards and adherents bestirred themselves +with great industry and perseverance. The market for votes ran so +high, that Pickle's ready money was exhausted before the day of +election, and he was obliged to write to his patron an account of +the dilemma to which he was reduced, entreating him to take such +speedy measures as would enable him to finish the business which he +had so happily begun. This nobleman communicated the circumstances +of the case to the minister, and in a day or two our candidate +found credit with the receiver-general of the county, who lent him +twelve hundred pounds on his personal note, payable on demand. By +means of this new supply he managed matters so successfully, that +an evident majority of votes was secured in his interest, and nothing +could have obstructed his election, had not the noble peer who set +up his competitor, in order to avoid the shame and mortification of +being foiled in his own borough, offered to compromise the affair +with his honour, by giving up two members in another place, +provided the opposition should cease in his own corporation. This +proposal was greedily embraced. On the eve of the election, Peregrine +received an intimation from his patron, desiring him to quit his +pretensions, on pain of his and the minister's displeasure, and +promising that he should be elected for another place. + +No other disappointment in life could have given him such chagrin +as he felt at the receipt of this tantalizing order, by which the +cup of success was snatched from his lip, and all the vanity of +his ambitious hope humbled in the dust. He cursed the whole chain +of his court connections, inveighed with great animosity against +the rascally scheme of politics to which he was sacrificed, and, +in conclusion, swore he would not give up the fruits of his own +address for the pleasure of any minister upon earth. This laudable +resolution, however, was rendered ineffectual by his friend the +receiver-general, who was bearer of the message, and, after having +in vain endeavoured to persuade him to submission, fairly arrested +him upon the spot for the money he had advanced; this expedient +being performed by virtue of a writ which he had been advised to +take out, in case the young man should prove refractory. + +The reader, who by this time must be pretty well acquainted with the +disposition of our hero, may easily conceive how he relished this +adventure. At first, all the faculties of his soul were swallowed +up in astonishment and indignation; and some minutes elapsed before +his nerves would obey the impulse of his rage, which manifested +itself in such an application to the temples of the plaintiff, as +laid him sprawling on the floor. This assault, which was committed +in a tavern, whither he had been purposely decoyed, attracted the +regard of the bailiff and his followers, who, to the number of +four, rushed upon him at once, in order to overpower him; but his +wrath inspired him with such additional strength and agility, that +he disengaged himself from them in a trice, and, seizing a poker, +which was the first weapon that presented itself to his hand, exercised +it upon their skulls with incredible dexterity and execution. The +officer himself, who had been the first that presumed to lay violent +hands upon him, felt the first effects of his fury in a blow upon +the jaws, in consequence of which he lost three of his teeth, and +fell athwart the body of the receiver, with which he formed the +figure of a St. Andrew's cross. One of his myrmidons, seeing the +fate of his chief, would not venture to attack the victor in front, +but, wheeling to one side, made an attempt upon him in flank, and +was received obliquely by our hero's left hand and foot, so masterly +disposed to the right side of his leg, and the left side of his +neck, that he bolted head foremost into the chimney, where his chin +was encountered by the grate, which in a moment seared him to the +bone. The rest of the detachment did not think proper to maintain +the dispute, but, evacuating the room with great expedition, locked +the door on the outside, and bellowed aloud to the receiver's +servants, beseeching them to come to the assistance of their master, +who was in danger of his life. + +Meanwhile, this gentleman having recollected himself, demanded +a parley; which having with difficulty obtained of our incensed +candidate, in consequence of the most submissive application, he +complained grievously of the young gentleman's intemperance and +heat of disposition, and very calmly represented the danger of his +rashness and indiscretion. He told him, that nothing could be more +outrageous or idle, than the resistance he had made against the +laws of his country, because he would find it impracticable to +withstand the whole executive power of the country, which he could +easily raise to apprehend and secure him; that, over and above the +disgrace that would accrue to him from this imprudent conduct, he +would knock his own interest on the head, by disobliging his friends +in the administration, who were, to his knowledge, at present very +well disposed to do him service; that, for his own part, what he +had done was by the express order of his superiors, and not out of +any desire of distressing him; and that, far from being his enemy, +notwithstanding the shocking insult he had sustained, he was ready +to withdraw the writ, provided he would listen to any reasonable +terms of accommodation. + +Peregrine, who was not more prone to anger than open to conviction, +being appeased by his condescension, moved by his arguments, and +chid by his own reflection for what he had done in the precipitation +of his wrath, began to give ear to his remonstrances; and the +bailiffs being ordered to withdraw, they entered into a conference, +the result of which was our adventurer's immediate departure for +London; so that next day his competitor was unanimously chosen, +because nobody appeared to oppose his election. The discontented +Pickle, on his arrival in town, went directly to the house of his +patron, to whom, in the anguish of his disappointment, he bitterly +complained of the treatment he had received, by which, besides the +disgrace of his overthrow, he was no less than two thousand pounds +out of pocket, exclusive of the debt for which he stood engaged to +the receiver. His lordship, who was prepared for this expostulation, +on his knowledge of the young man's impetuous temper, answered all +the articles of his charge with great deliberation, giving him to +understand the motives that induced the minister to quit his interest +in that borough; and soothing him with assurances that his loss +would be amply rewarded by his honour, to whom he was next day +introduced by this nobleman, in the warmest style of recommendation. +The minister, who was a pattern of complaisance, received him with +the most engaging affability; thanked him very kindly for his endeavours +to support and strengthen the interest of the administration; and +faithfully promised to lay hold on the first opportunity to express +the sense he had of his zeal and attachment; desiring to see him +often at his levee, that, in the multiplicity of business, he might +not be in danger of forgetting his services and desert. + + + + + +CHAPTER XC. + + + + +Peregrine commences Minister's Dependant--Meets by Accident with +Mrs. Gauntlet--And descends gradually in the Condition of Life. + + +This reception, favourable as it was, did not please Peregrine, +who had too much discernment to be cajoled with general promises, +at a time when he thought himself entitled to the most particular +assurance. He accordingly signified his disgust to his introductor, +giving him to understand, that he had laid his account with being +chosen representative of one of those boroughs for which he had +been sacrificed. His lordship agreed to the reasonableness of his +expectation, observing, however, that he could not suppose the +minister would enter upon business with him on his first visit; and +that it would be time enough at his next audience to communicate +his demand. Notwithstanding this remonstrance, our hero continued +to indulge his suspicion and chagrin, and even made a point of it +with his patron, that his lordship should next day make application +on his behalf, lest the two seats should be filled up, on pretence +of his inclinations being unknown. Thus importuned, my lord went +to his principal, and returned with an answer, importing that +his honour was extremely sorry that Mr. Pickle had not signified +his request before the boroughs in question were promised to two +gentlemen whom he could not now disappoint, with any regard to his +own credit or interest; but, as several persons who would be chosen +were, to his certain knowledge, very aged and infirm, he did not +doubt that there would be plenty of vacant seats in a very short +time, and then, the young gentleman might depend upon his friendship. + +Peregrine was so much irritated at this intimation, that, in the +first transports of his anger he forgot the respect he owed his +friend, and in his presence inveighed against the minister, as a +person devoid of gratitude and candour, protesting, that if ever an +opportunity should offer itself, he would spend the whole remains +of his fortune in opposing his measures. The nobleman having given +him time to exhaust the impetuosity of his passion, rebuked him +very calmly for his disrespectful expressions, which were equally +injurious and indiscreet; assured him that this project of revenge, +if ever put in execution, would redound to his own prejudice and +confusion; and advised him to cultivate and improve, with patience +and assiduity, the footing he had already obtained in the minister's +good graces. + +Our hero, convinced of the truth, though not satisfied with the +occasion of his admonitions, took his leave in a fit of sullen +discontent, and began to ruminate upon the shattered posture +of his affairs. All that now remained of the ample fortune he had +inherited was the sum he had deposited in his lordship's hands, +together with fifteen hundred pounds he had ventured on bottomry, +and the garrison, which he had left for the use and accommodation +of the lieutenant; and, on the per contra side of his account, he +was debtor for the supply he had received from the receiver-general, +and the money for which he was bound in behalf of his friend; so +that he found himself, for the first time of his life, very much +embarrassed in his circumstances. For, of the first half-year's +interest of his ten thousand, which was punctually paid, he had but +fourscore pounds in bank, without any prospect of a farther supply +till the other term, which was at the distance of four long months. +He seriously reflected upon the uncertainty of human affairs: the +ship with his fifteen hundred pounds might be lost; the gentleman +for whom he was security might miscarry in this, as well as in his +former projects, and the minister might one day, through policy or +displeasure, expose him to the mercy of his dependant, who was in +possession of his notes. + +These suggestions did not at all contribute to the ease of our +adventurer's mind, already ruffled by his disappointment. He cursed +his own folly and extravagance, by which he was reduced to such +an uncomfortable situation. He compared his own conduct with that +of some young gentlemen of his acquaintance, who, while he was +squandering away the best part of his inheritance, had improved +their fortunes, strengthened their interest, and increased their +reputation. He was abandoned by his gaiety and good-humour, his +countenance gradually contracted itself into a representation of +severity and care, he dropped all his amusements and the companions +of his pleasure, and turned his whole attention to the minister, +at whose levees he never failed to appear. + +While he thus laboured in the wheel of dependence, with all that +mortification which a youth of his pride and sensibility may be +supposed to feel from such a disagreeable necessity, he one day +heard himself called by name, as he crossed the park; and, turning, +perceived the wife of Captain Gauntlet, with another lady. He no +sooner recognized the kind Sophy, than he accosted her with his +wonted civility and friendship; but his former sprightly air was +metamorphosed into such austerity, or rather dejection of feature, +that she could scarce believe her own eyes, and, in her astonishment, +"Is it possible," said she, "that the gay Mr. Pickle should be +so much altered in such a short space of time!" He made no other +reply to this exclamation, but by a languid smile; and asked how +long she had been in town; observing, that he would have paid his +compliments to her at her own lodgings, had he been favoured with +the least intimation of her arrival. After having thanked him for +his politeness, she told him, it was not owing to any abatement +of her friendship and esteem for him, that she had omitted to give +him that notice; but his abrupt departure from Windsor, and the +manner in which he quitted Mr. Gauntlet, had given her just grounds +to believe that they had incurred his displeasure; which suspicion +was reinforced by his long silence and neglect from that period +to the present time. She observed it was still farther confirmed, +by his forbearing to inquire for Emilia and her brother: "judge, +then," said she, "if I had any reason to believe that you would +be pleased to hear that I was in town. However, I will not detain +you at present, because you seem to be engaged about some particular +business; but, if you will favour me with your company at breakfast +to-morrow, I shall be much pleased, and honoured to boot, by the +visit." So saying, she gave him a direction to her lodgings; and +he took his leave, with a faithful promise of seeing her at the +appointed time. + +He was very much affected with this advance of Sophy, which he +considered as an instance of her uncommon sweetness of temper; he +felt strange longings of returning friendship towards Godfrey; and +the remembrance of Emilia melted his heart, already softened with +grief and mortification. Next day he did not neglect his engagement, +and had the pleasure of enjoying a long conversation with this +sensible young lady, who gave him to understand that her husband was +with his regiment; and presented to him a fine boy, the first-fruits +of their love, whom they had christened by the name of Peregrine, +in memory of the friendship which had subsisted between Godfrey +and our youth. + +This proof of their regard, notwithstanding the interruption in +their correspondence, made a deep impression upon the mind of our +adventurer, who having made the warmest acknowledgments for this +undeserved mark of respect, took the child in his arms, and almost +devoured him with kisses, protesting before God, that he should +always consider him with the tenderness of a parent. This was the +highest compliment he could pay to the gentle Sophy, who again kindly +chid him for his disdainful and precipitate retreat, immediately +after her marriage; and expressed an earnest desire of seeing him +and the captain reconciled. He assured her, nothing could give him +greater satisfaction than such an event, to which he would contribute +all that lay in his power, though he could not help looking upon +himself as injured by Captain Gauntlet's behaviour, which denoted +a suspicion of his honour, as well as contempt for his understanding. +The lady undertook for the concession of her husband, who, she told +him, had been extremely sorry for his own heat, after Mr. Pickle's +departure, and would have followed him to the garrison, in order +to solicit his forgiveness, had he not been restrained by certain +punctilios, occasioned by some acrimonious expressions that dropped +from Peregrine at the inn. + +After having cleared up this misunderstanding, she proceeded to give +an account of Emilia, whose behaviour, at that juncture, plainly +indicated a continuance of affection for her first lover; and +desired, that he would give her full powers to bring that matter +also to an accommodation: "For I am not more certain of my own +existence," said she, "than that you are still in possession of my +sister's heart." At this declaration, the tear started in his eye. +But he shook his head, and declined her good offices, wishing that +the young lady might be much more happy than ever he should be able +to make her. + +Mrs. Gauntlet, confounded at these expressions, and moved by the +desponding manner in which they were delivered, begged to know if +any new obstacle was raised, by some late change in his sentiments +or situation. And he, in order to avoid a painful explanation, told +her, that he had long despaired of being able to vanquish Emilia's +resentment, and for that reason quitted the pursuit, which he would +never renew, howsoever his heart might suffer by that resolution; +though he took Heaven to witness, that his love, esteem, and +admiration of her, were not in the least impaired. But the true +motive of his laying aside his design, was the consciousness of his +decayed fortune, which, by adding to the sensibility of his pride, +increased the horror of another repulse. She expressed her concern +for this determination, both on his own account, and in behalf of +Emilia, whose happiness, in her opinion, depended upon his constancy +and affection; and she would have questioned him more minutely about +the state of his affairs, had not he discouraged the inquiry, by +seeking to introduce another subject of conversation. + +After mutual protestations of friendship and regard, he promised to +visit her often, during her residence in town; and took his leave +in a strange perplexity of mind, occasioned by the images of love, +intruding upon the remonstrances of carking care. He had some time +ago forsaken those extravagant companions with whom he had rioted +in the heyday of his fortune, and begun to consort with a graver +and more sober species of acquaintance. But he now found himself +disabled from cultivating the society of these also, who were men +of ample estates and liberal dispositions; in consequence of which, +their parties were too expensive for the consumptive state of his +finances; so that he was obliged to descend to another degree, +and mingle with a set of old bachelors and younger brothers, who +subsisted on slender annuities, or what is called a bare competency +in the public funds. This association was composed of second-hand +politicians and minor critics, who in the forenoon saunter in the +Mall, or lounge at shows of pictures, appear in the drawing-room +once or twice a week, dine at an ordinary, decide disputes in a +coffee-house, with an air of superior intelligence, frequent the +pit of the playhouse, and once in a month spend an evening with +some noted actor, whose remarkable sayings they repeat for the +entertainment of their ordinary friends. + +After all, he found something comfortable enough in the company of +these gentlemen, who never interested his passions to any violence +of transport, nor teased him with impertinent curiosity about his +private affairs. For, though many of them had maintained a very +long, close, and friendly correspondence with each other, they never +dreamt of inquiring into particular concerns; and if one of the two +who were most intimately connected, had been asked how the other +made a shift to live, he would have answered with great truth, +"Really, that is more than I know." Notwithstanding this phlegmatic +indifference, which is of the true English production, they were +all inoffensive, good-natured people, who loved a joke and a song, +delighted in telling a merry story, and prided themselves in the +art of catering, especially in the articles of fish, venison, and +wild fowl. + +Our young gentleman was not received among them on the footing +of a common member, who makes interest for his admission; he was +courted as a person of superior genius and importance, and his +compliance looked upon as an honour to their society. This their +idea of his pre-eminence was supported by his conversation, which, +while it was more liberal and learned than that to which they had +been accustomed, was tinctured with an assuming air, so agreeably +diffused, that, instead of producing aversion, it commanded respect. +They not only appealed to him, in all doubts relating to foreign +parts, to which one and all of them were strangers, but also consulted +his knowledge in history and divinity, which were frequently the +topics of their debates; and, in poetry of all kinds, he decided +with such magisterial authority, as even weighed against the opinions +of the players themselves. The variety of characters he had seen +and observed, and the high spheres of life in which he had so lately +moved, furnished him with a thousand entertaining anecdotes. When +he became a little familiarized to his disappointments, so that his +natural vivacity began to revive, he flashed among them in such +a number of bright sallies, as struck them with admiration, and +constituted himself a classic in wit; insomuch that they began to +retail his remnants, and even invited some particular friends to +come and hear him hold forth. One of the players, who had for many +years strutted about the taverns in the neighbourhood of Covent +Garden as the Grand Turk of wit and humour, began to find his +admirers melt away; and a certain petulant physician, who had shone +at almost all the port clubs in that end of the town, was actually +obliged to import his talents into the city, where he was now +happily taken root. + +Nor was this success to be wondered at, if we consider that, over +and above his natural genius and education, our adventurer still +had the opportunity of knowing everything which happened among +the great, by means of his friend Cadwallader, with whom he still +maintained his former intimacy, though it was now chequered with +many occasional tiffs, owing to the sarcastic remonstrances of the +misanthrope, who disapproved of those schemes which miscarried with +Peregrine, and now took unseasonable methods of valuing himself +upon his own foresight. Nay, he was between whiles like a raven, +croaking presages of more ill-luck from the deceit of the minister, +the dissimulation of his patron, the folly of the projector, for +whom he was bound, the uncertainty of the seas, and the villainy +of those with whom he had entrusted his cash, for Crabtree saw and +considered everything through a perspective of spleen, that always +reflected the worst side of human nature. For these reasons our +young gentleman began to be disgusted, at certain intervals, with +the character of this old man, whom he now thought a morose cynic, +not so much incensed against the follies and vices of mankind, as +delighted with the distress of his fellow-creatures. Thus he put the +most unfavourable construction on the principles of his friend, +because he found himself justly fallen under the lash of his +animadversion. Thus self-accusation very often dissolves the closest +friendship. A man, conscious of his own indiscretion, is implacably +offended at the rectitude of his companion's conduct, which he +considers as an insult upon his failings, never to be forgiven, +even though he has not tasted the bitterness of reproof, which no +sinner can commodiously digest. The friendship, therefore, subsisting +between Crabtree and Pickle, had of late suffered several symptomatic +shocks, that seemed to prognosticate a total dissolution; a great +deal of smart dialogue had passed in their private conversations, +and the senior began to repent of having placed his confidence in +such an imprudent, headstrong ungovernable youth. + +It was in such paroxysms of displeasure that he prophesied misfortune +to Peregrine, and even told him one morning, that he had dreamed +of the shipwreck of the two East Indiamen, on board of which he +had hazarded his money. But this was no other than a false vision; +for in a few weeks, one of them arrived at her moorings in the +river, and he received a thousand in lieu of eight hundred pounds +which he had lent upon bond to one of the mates. At the same time +he was informed, that the other ship, in which he was concerned, +had, in all probability, lost her passage for the season, by being +unable to weather the Cape. He was not at all concerned at that +piece of news, knowing, that the longer he should he out of his +money, he would have the more interest to receive; and, finding +his present difficulties removed by this supply, his heart began +to dilate, and his countenance to resume its former alacrity. +This state of exultation, however, was soon interrupted by a small +accident, which he could not foresee. He was visited one morning +by the person who had lent his friend a thousand pounds on his +security, and given to understand, that the borrower had absconded, +in consequence of a disappointment, by which he had lost the whole +sum and all hopes of retrieving it; so that our hero was now liable +for the debt, which he besought him to discharge according to the +bond, that he, the lender, might not suffer by his humanity. It may +be easily conceived that Peregrine did not receive this intelligence +in cold blood. He cursed his own imprudence in contracting such +engagements with an adventurer, whom he did not sufficiently know. +He exclaimed against the treachery of the projector; and having +for some time indulged his resentment in threats and imprecations, +inquired into the nature of the scheme which had miscarried. + +The lender, who had informed himself of the whole affair, gratified +his curiosity in this particular, by telling him that the fugitive +had been cajoled by a certain knight of the post, who undertook +to manage the thousand pounds in such a manner as would, in a very +little time, make him perfectly independent; and thus he delineated +the plan: "One half of the sum," said he, "shall be laid out in +jewels, which I will pawn to certain persons of credit and fortune, +who lend money upon such pledges at an exorbitant interest. The +other shall be kept for relieving them, so that they may be again +deposited with a second set of those honourable usurers; and when +they shall have been circulated in this manner through a variety +of hands, we will extort money from each of the pawnbrokers, by +threatening them with a public prosecution, for exacting illegal +interest; and I know that they will bleed freely, rather than be +exposed to the infamy attending such an accusation." The scheme was +feasible, and though not very honourable, made such an impression +upon the needy borrower, that he assented to the proposals; and, by +our hero's credit, the money was raised. The jewels were accordingly +purchased, pawned, relieved, and repledged by the agent, who +undertook to manage the whole affair; and so judiciously was the +project executed, that he could have easily proved each lender +guilty of the charge. Having thus far successfully transacted the +business, this faithful agent visited them severally on his own +account, to give them intimation, that his employer intended to +sue them on the statute of usury; upon which, every one for himself +bribed the informer to withdraw his evidence, by which alone he +could be convicted; and having received these gratifications, he +had thought proper to retreat into France with the whole booty, +including the original thousand that put them in motion. In +consequence of this decampment, the borrower had withdrawn himself; +so that the lender was obliged to have recourse to his security. + +This was a very mortifying account to our young gentleman, who, in +vain, reminded the narrator of his promise, importing, that he would +not demand the money, until he should be called to an account by +his ward; and observed, that, long before that period, the fugitive +might appear and discharge the debt. But the other was deaf to these +remonstrances; alleging, that his promise was provisional, on the +supposition that the borrower would deal candidly and fairly; that +he had forfeited all title to his friendship and trust, by the +scandalous scheme in which he had embarked; and that his treacherous +flight from his security was no proof of his honesty and intended +return; but, on the contrary, a warning, by which he, the lender, +was taught to take care of himself. He therefore insisted upon his +being indemnified immediately, on pain of letting the law take its +course; and Peregrine was actually obliged to part with the whole +sum he had so lately received. But this payment was not made without +extreme reluctance, indignation, and denunciation of eternal war +against the absconder, and the rigid creditor, betwixt whom he +suspected some collusion. + + + + + +CHAPTER XCI. + + + + +Cadwallader acts the part of a Comforter to his Friend; and in his +turn is consoled by Peregrine, who begins to find himself a most +egregious Dupe. + + +This new misfortune, which he justly charged to the account of his +own folly, recalled his chagrin; and though he endeavoured with all +his might to conceal the affair from the knowledge of Cadwallader, +that prying observer perceived his countenance overcast. The +projector's sudden disappearance alarming his suspicion, he managed +his inquiries with so much art, that in a few days he made himself +acquainted with every particular of the transaction, and resolved +to gratify his spleen at the expense of the impatient dupe. With +this view, he took an opportunity to accost him with a very serious +air, saying a friend of his had immediate occasion for a thousand +pounds, and as Peregrine had the exact sum lying by him, he would +take it as a great favour if he would part with it for a few months +on undoubted security. Had Pickle known the true motive of this +demand, he would in all likelihood have made a very disagreeable +answer; but Crabtree had wrappped himself up so securely in the +dissimulation of his features, that the youth could not possibly +penetrate into his intention; and in the most galling suspense +replied, that the money was otherwise engaged. The misanthrope, not +contented with this irritation, assumed the prerogative of a friend, +and questioned him so minutely about the disposal of the cash, +that, after numberless evasions, which cost him a world of torture +to invent, he could contain his vexation no longer, but exclaimed +in a rage, "D-- your impertinence! 'tis gone to the devil, and +that's enough!"--"Thereafter, as it may be," said this tormentor, +with a most provoking indifference of aspect, "I should be glad to +know upon what footing; for I suppose you have some expectation of +advantage from that quarter."--"'Sdeath! sir," cried the impatient +youth, "if I had any expectation from hell, I would make interest +with you; for I believe, from my soul, you are one of its most +favoured ministers upon earth." With these words, he flung out of +the room, leaving Cadwallader very well satisfied with the chastisement +he had bestowed. + +Peregrine having cooled himself with a solitary walk in the park, +during which the violence of his choler gradually evaporated, +and his reflection was called to a serious deliberation upon the +posture of his affairs, he resolved to redouble his diligence and +importunity with his patron and the minister, in order to obtain +some sinecure, which would indemnify him for the damage he had +sustained on their account. He accordingly went to his lordship and +signified his demand, after having told him, that he had suffered +several fresh losses, which rendered an immediate provision of +that sort necessary to his credit and subsistence. His noble friend +commended him for the regard he manifested for his own interest, +which he considered as a proof of his being at last detached from +the careless inadvertency of youth; he approved of his demand, which +he assured him should be faithfully transmitted to the minister, +and backed with all his influence; and encouraged his hope, by +observing, that some profitable places were at that time vacant, +and, so far as he knew, unengaged. + +This conversation helped to restore the tranquility of Pickle's +breast, though he still harboured resentment against Cadwallader, +on account of the last insult; and on the instant he formed a plan +of revenge. He knew the misanthrope's remittances from his estate +in the country had been of late very scanty, in consequence of repairs +and bankruptcies among his tenants; so that, in spite of all his +frugality, he had been but barely able to maintain his credit, and +even that was engaged on the strength of his running rent. Being +therefore intimately acquainted with the particulars of his fortune, +he wrote a letter to Crabtree, subscribed with the name of his +principal farmer's wife, importing that her husband being lately +dead, and the greatest part of her cattle destroyed by the infectious +distemper, she found herself utterly incapable of paying the rent +which was due, or even of keeping the farm, unless he would, out +of his great goodness, be pleased to give her some assistance, and +allow her to sit free for a twelvemonth to come. This intimation +he found means to convey by post from a market town adjoining to +the farm, directed in the usual style to the cynic, who, seeing +it stamped with the known marks, could not possibly suspect any +imposition. + +Hackneyed as he was in the ways of life, and steeled with his boasted +stoicism, this epistle threw him into such an agony of vexation, +that a double proportion of souring was visible in his aspect, when +he was visited by the author, who, having observed and followed +the postman at a proper distance, introduced a conversation upon +his own disappointments, in which, among other circumstances of his +own ill-luck, he told him, that his patron's steward had desired to +be excused from paying the last quarter of his interest precisely +at the appointed term, for which reason he should be utterly void +of cash, and therefore requested that Crabtree would accommodate +him with an hundred pieces of his next remittance from the country. + +This demand galled and perplexed the old man to such a degree, +that the muscles of his face assumed a contraction peculiarly +virulent, and exhibited the character of Diogenes with a most lively +expression; he knew that a confession of his true situation would +furnish Pickle with an opportunity to make reprisals upon him, with +intolerable triumph; and that, by a downright refusal to supply +his wants, he would for ever forfeit his friendship and esteem, and +might provoke him to take ample vengeance for his sordid behaviour, +by exposing him, in his native colours, to the resentment of those +whom he had so long deceived. These considerations kept him some +time in a most rancorous state of suspense, which Peregrine affected +to misinterpret, by bidding him freely declare his suspicion, if +he did not think it safe to comply with his request, and he would +make shift elsewhere. + +This seeming misconstruction increased the torture of the misanthrope, +who, with the utmost irritation of feature, "Oons!" cried he, "what +villainy have you noted in my conduct, that you treat me like a +rascally usurer?" Peregrine very gravely replied, that the question +needed no answer; "for," said he, "had I considered you as a usurer, +I would have come with a security under my arm; but, all evasion +apart, will you stead me? will you pleasure me? shall I have the +money?"--"Would it were in your belly, with a barrel of gunpowder!" +exclaimed the enraged cynic; "since I must be excruciated, read +that plaguy paper! 'Sblood! why didn't nature clap a pair of long +ears and a tail upon me, that I might be a real ass, and champ +thistles on some common, independent of my fellow-creatures? Would +I were a worm, that I might creep into the earth, and thatch my +habitation with a single straw; or rather a wasp or a viper, that +I might make the rascally world feel my resentment. But why do I +talk of rascality? folly, folly, is the scourge of life! Give me +a scoundrel, so he be a sensible one, and I will put him in my heart +of hearts! but a fool is more mischievous than famine, pestilence, +and war. The idiotical hag that writes, or causes to be writ, this +same letter, has ruined her family, and broke her husband's heart, +by ignorance and mismanagement; and she imputes her calamity to +Providence with a vengeance; and so I am defrauded of three hundred +pounds, the greatest part of which I owe to tradesmen, whom I have +promised to pay this very quarter. Pox upon her! I would she were +a horned beast, that the distemper might lay hold on her. The +beldame has the impudence too, after she has brought me into this +dilemma, to solicit my assistance to stock the farm anew! Before +God, I have a good mind to send her a halter, and perhaps I might +purchase another for myself, but that I would not furnish food for +laughter to knaves and coxcombs." + +Peregrine having perused the billet, and listened to this ejaculation, +replied with great composure, that he was ashamed to see a man of +his years and pretensions to philosophy so ruffled by a trifle. +"What signify all the boasted hardships you have overcome," said +he, "and the shrewd observations you pretend to have made on human +nature? Where is that stoical indifference you affirm you have +attained, if such a paltry disappointment can disturb you in this +manner? What is the loss of three hundred pounds, compared with the +misfortunes which I myself have undergone within these two years? +Yet you will take upon you to act the censor, and inveigh against +the impatience and impetuosity of youth, as if you yourself had +gained an absolute conquest over all the passions of the heart. +You were so kind as to insult me another day in my affliction, by +reproaching me with indiscretion and misconduct: suppose I were +now to retort the imputation, and ask how a man of your profound +sagacity could leave your fortune at the discretion of ignorant +peasants? How could you be so blind as not to foresee the necessity +of repairs, together with the danger of bankruptcy, murrain, or thin +crop? Why did you not convert your land into ready money, and, as +you have no connections in life, purchase an annuity, on which you +might have lived at your ease, without any fear of the consequence? +Can't you, from the whole budget of your philosophy, cull one +apophthegm to console you for this trivial mischance?" + +"Rot your rapidity!" said the cynic, half-choked with gall; "if +the cancer or the pox were in your throat, I should not be thus +tormented with your tongue; and yet a magpie shall speak infinitely +more to the purpose. Don't you know, Mr. Wiseacre, that my case does +not fall within the province of philosophy? Had I been curtailed of +all my members, racked by the gout and gravel, deprived of liberty, +robbed of an only child, or visited with the death of a dear friend +like you, philosophy might have contributed to my consolation; but +will philosophy pay my debts, or free me from the burden of obligation +to a set of fellows whom I despise?--speak-pronounce-demonstrate, +or may Heaven close your mouth for ever!" + +"These are the comfortable fruits of your misanthropy," answered +the youth; "your laudable scheme of detaching yourself from the +bonds of society, and of moving in a superior sphere of your own. +Had you not been so peculiarly sage, and intent upon laughing at +mankind, you could never have been disconcerted by such a pitiful +inconvenience; any friend would have accommodated you with the sum +in question. But now the world may retort the laugh; for you stand +upon such an agreeable footing with your acquaintance, that nothing +could please them better than an account of your having given +disappointment the slip, by the help of a noose properly applied. +This I mention by way of hint, upon which I would have you chew +the cud of reflection; and, should it come to that issue, I will +use my whole interest with the coroner to bring in his verdict +lunacy, that your carcase may have Christian burial." + +So saying, he withdrew, very well satisfied with the revenge he +had taken, which operated so violently upon Crabtree, that, if it +had not been for the sole consideration mentioned above, he would, +in all probability, have had recourse to the remedy proposed. But +his unwillingness to oblige and entertain his fellow-creatures +hindered him from practising that expedient, till, by course of +post, he was happily undeceived with regard to the situation of his +affairs; and that information had such an effect upon him, that he +not only forgave our hero for the stratagem, which he immediately +ascribed to the right author, but also made him a tender of his +purse; so that matters for the present were brought to an amicable +accommodation. + +Meanwhile Peregrine never slacked in his attendance upon the +great; he never omitted to appear upon every levee day, employed +his industry and penetration in getting intelligence of posts +that were unfilled, and every day recommended himself to the good +offices of his patron, who seemed to espouse his interest with great +cordiality; nevertheless, he was always too late in his application, +or the place he demanded chanced to be out of the minister's gift. +These intimations, though communicated in the most warm professions +of friendship and regard, gave great umbrage to the young gentleman, +who considered them as the evasions of an insincere courtier, and +loudly complained of them as such to his lordship, signifying, at +the same time, an intention to sell his mortgage for ready money, +which he would expend to the last farthing in thwarting his honour, +in the very first election he should patronize. His lordship never +wanted a proper exhortation upon these occasions. He did not now +endeavour to pacify him with assurances of the minister's favour, +because he perceived that these medicines had, by repeated use, +lost their effect upon our adventurer, whose menaces he now combated +by representing that the minister's purse was heavier than that of +Mr. Pickle; that, therefore, should he make a point of opposing +his interest, the youth must infallibly fail in the contest; in +which case he would find himself utterly destitute of the means of +subsistence, and consequently precluded from all hope of provision. + +This was an observation, the truth of which our young gentleman +could not pretend to doubt, though it did not at all tend to the +vindication of his honour's conduct. Indeed, Pickle began to suspect +the sincerity of his own patron, who, in his opinion, had trifled +with his impatience, and even eluded, by sorry excuses, his desire +of having another private audience of the first mover. His lordship +also began to be less accessible than usual; and Peregrine had +been obliged to dun the steward with repeated demands, before he +could finger the last quarter of his interest. Alarmed by these +considerations, he went and consulted the nobleman whom he had +obliged in the affair of his son, and had the mortification to hear +but a very indifferent character of the person in whom he had so +long confided. This new adviser, who, though a courtier, was a rival +of the other, gave our adventurer to understand, that he had been +leaning upon a broken reed; that his professed patron was a man of +shattered fortune and decayed interest, which extended no farther +than a smile and a whisper; that, for his own part, he should have +been proud of an opportunity to use his influence with the minister +in behalf of Mr. Pickle. "But, since you have put yourself under the +protection of another peer," said he, "whose connections interfere +with mine, I cannot now espouse your cause, without incurring the +imputation of seducing that nobleman's adherents; a charge which, +of all others, I would most carefully avoid. However, I shall always +be ready to assist you with my private advice, as a specimen of +which, I now counsel you to insist upon having another interview +with Sir Steady Steerwell himself, that you may in person explain +your pretensions, without any risk of being misrepresented; and +endeavour, if possible, to draw him into some particular promise, +from which he cannot retract, with any regard to his reputation; +for general profession is a necessary armour worn by all ministers +in their own defence, against the importunity of those whom they +will not befriend, and would not disoblige." + +This advice was so conformable to his own sentiments, that our +adventurer seized the first opportunity to demand a hearing, and +plainly told his patron, that, if he could not be indulged with +that favour, he should look upon his lordship's influence to be +very small, and his own hopes to be altogether desperate; in which +case he was resolved to dispose of the mortgage, purchase an annuity, +and live independent. + + + + + +CHAPTER XCII. + + + + +He is indulged with a second Audience by the Minister, of whose +Sincerity he is convinced--His Pride and Ambition revive, and again +are mortified. + + +If the young gentleman's money had been in other hands, perhaps +the peer would have been at very little pains, either in gratifying +his demand, or opposing his revenge; but he knew that the sale of +the mortgage could not be effected without an inquiry, to which he +did not wish to be exposed. He, therefore, employed all his interest +in procuring the solicited audience. This being granted, Peregrine, +with great warmth and elocution, expatiated upon the injury his +fortune had suffered in the affair of the borough, for which he +had stood candidate; he took notice of the disappointment he had +sustained in the other election, reminded him of the promises with +which he had been amused, and, in conclusion, desired to know what +he had to expect from his favour. The minister having patiently +heard him to an end, replied with a most gracious aspect, that he +was very well informed of his merit and attachment, and very much +disposed to convince him of the regard which he paid to both; +that till of late he did not know the nature of his expectations, +neither had he the power of creating posts for those whom he was +inclined to serve; but if Mr. Pickle would chalk out any feasible +method by which he could manifest his sentiments of friendship, he +should not be backward in executing the plan. + +Peregrine, laying hold on this declaration, mentioned several +places which he knew to be vacant. But the old evasion was still +used; one of them was not in his department of business, another had +been promised to the third son of a certain earl before the death +of the last possessor, and a third was encumbered with a pension that +ate up a good half of the appointments. In short, such obstructions +were started to all his proposals as he could not possibly surmount, +though he plainly perceived they were no other than specious pretexts +to cover the mortifying side of a refusal. Exasperated, therefore, +at this lack of sincerity and gratitude, "I can easily foresee," +said he, "that such difficulties will never be wanting, when I have +anything to ask; and for that reason will save myself the trouble of +any further application." So saying, he withdrew in a very abrupt +manner, breathing defiance and revenge. But his patron, who did not +think proper to drive him to extremities, found means to persuade +his honour to do something for the pacification of the young man's +choler; and that same evening our adventurer received a message +from his lordship, desiring to see him immediately. + +In consequence of this intimation, Pickle went to his house, and +appeared before him with a very cloudy aspect, which signified +to whom it might concern, that his temper was at present too much +galled to endure reproof; and therefore the sagacious peer forbore +taking him to task for his behaviour during the audience he +had obtained; but gave him to understand, that the minister, in +consideration of his services, had sent him a bank-note of three +hundred pounds, with a promise of the like sum yearly, until he +could be otherwise provided for. This declaration in some measure +appeased the youth, who condescended to accept the present; and, +next levee day, made his acknowledgment to the donor, who favoured +him with a smile of infinite complacency, which entirely dissipated +all the remains of his resentment; for, as he could not possibly +divine the true cause of his being temporized with, he looked upon +this condescension as an undoubted proof of Sir Steady's sincerity, +and firmly believed that he would settle him in some place with the +first opportunity, rather than continue to pay this pension out of +his own pocket. In all probability, his prediction would have been +verified, had not an unforeseen accident in a moment overwhelmed +the barque of his interest at court. + +Meanwhile, this short gleam of good fortune recalled the ideas of +pride and ambition which he had formerly cherished. His countenance +was again lifted up, his good-humour retrieved, and his mien +reexalted. Indeed, he began to be considered as a rising man by his +fellow-dependents, who saw the particular notice with which he was +favoured at the public levee; and some of them, for that reason, +were at pains to court his good graces. He no longer shunned his +former intimates, with whom a good part of his fortune had been +spent, but made up to them in all places of public resort, with +the same ease and familiarity as he had been used to express, and +even re-embarked in some of their excesses, upon the strength of his +sanguine expectation. Cadwallader and he renewed their consultations +in the court of ridicule; and divers exploits were achieved, +to the confusion of those who had "sailed into the north of their +displeasure." + +But these enjoyments were soon interrupted by a misfortune equally +fatal and unexpected. His noble patron was seized with an apoplectic +fit, from which he was recovered by the physicians, that they might +despatch him according to rule, and in two months after they were +called, he went the way of all flesh. Peregrine was very much +afflicted at this event, not only on account of his friendship +for the deceased, to whom he thought himself under many and great +obligations, but also because he feared that his own interest +would suffer a severe shock, by the removal of this nobleman, whom +he considered as its chief support. He put himself therefore in +mourning, out of regard to the memory of his departed friend, and +exhibited genuine marks of sorrow and concern, though he had in +reality more cause to grieve than he as yet imagined. When quarter-day +came about, he applied to the steward of his lordship's heir for +the interest of his money, as usual; and the reader will readily +own he had some reason to be surprised, when he was told he had +no claim either to principal or interest. True it is, the manager +talked very civilly as well as sensibly on the subject. "Your +appearance, sir," said he to Pickle, "screens you from all suspicion +of an intended fraud; but the mortgage upon those lands you mention +was granted to another person many years before you pretend to have +lent that sum; and I have, this very morning, paid one quarter's +interest, as appears from this receipt, which you may peruse for +your satisfaction." + +Peregrine was so thunderstruck at this information, which stripped +him of his all, that he could not utter one word; a circumstance +that did no great honour to his character in the opinion of the +steward, who, in good earnest, began to entertain some doubts of +his integrity. For, among the papers of the deceased, which he had +examined, there was no writing, memorandum, or receipt relating +to this encumbrance. After a long pause of stupefaction, Peregrine +recollected himself so far as to observe, that either he was +egregiously mistaken, or the predecessor of his lord the greatest +villain upon earth. "But, Mr. Whatd'ycallum," said he, "you must +give me leave to tell you, that your bare assertion in this affair +will by no means induce me to put up quietly with the loss of ten +thousand pounds." + +Having thus expressed himself, he retired from the house so +discontented at this demur, that he scarce knew whether he moved +upon his head or heels; and the park chancing to be in his way, +he sauntered about, giving vent to a soliloquy in praise of his +departed friend, the burden of which was a string of incoherent +curses imprecated upon himself; till his transports by degrees giving +way to his reflection, he deliberated seriously and sorrowfully +upon his misfortune, and resolved to consult lawyers without loss +of time. But, first of all, he proposed to make personal application +to the heir, who, by a candid representation of the case, might be +inclined to do him justice. In consequence of this determination, +he next morning put his writings in his pocket, and went in a +chair to the house of the young nobleman, to whom, being admitted +by virtue of his appearance, and a small gratification to the porter, +he explained the whole affair, corroborating his assertions with +the papers which he produced, and describing the disgrace that would +be entailed upon the memory of the deceased, should he be obliged +to seek redress in a public court of justice. + +The executor, who was a person of good breeding, condoled him +upon his loss with great good-nature, though he did not seem much +surprised at his account of the matter; but wished, that, since +the fraud must have been committed, the damage had fallen upon the +first mortgager, who, he said, was a thievish usurer, grown rich +by the distresses of his fellow-creatures. In answer to our hero's +remonstrances, he observed, that he did not look upon himself as +obliged to pay the least regard to the character of his predecessor, +who had used him with great barbarity and injustice, not only +in excluding him from his countenance and assistance, but also in +prejudicing his inheritance as much as lay in his power; so that +it could not be reasonably expected that he would pay ten thousand +pounds of his debt, for which he had received no value. Peregrine, +in spite of his chagrin, could not help owning within himself, +that there was a good deal of reason in this refusal. After having +given loose to his indignation in the most violent invectives +against the defunct, he took his leave of the complaisant heir, +and had immediate recourse to the advice of counsel, who assured +him that he had an excellent plea, and was accordingly retained in +the cause. + +All these measures were taken in the first vigour of his exertion, +during which his spirits were so fluttered with the diversity of +passions produced by his mischance, that he mistook for equanimity +that which was no other than intoxication; and two whole days +elapsed before he attained a due sense of his misfortune. Then, +indeed, he underwent a woeful self-examination; every circumstance +of the inquiry added fresh pangs to his reflection; and the result +of the whole was a discovery, that his fortune was totally consumed, +and himself reduced to a state of the most deplorable dependence. +This suggestion alone might, in the anguish of his despondency, +have driven him to some desperate course, had it not been in some +measure qualified by the confidence of his lawyers, and the assurance +of the minister, which, slender as the world hath generally found +them, were the only bulwarks between misery and him. + +The mind is naturally pliable, and, provided it has the least +hope to lean upon, adapts itself wonderfully to the emergencies +of fortune, especially when the imagination is gay and luxuriant. +This was the case with our adventurer; instead of indulging the +melancholy ideas which his loss inspired, he had recourse to the +flattering delusions of hope, soothing himself with unsubstantial +plans of future greatness, and endeavouring to cover what was past +with the veil of oblivion. After some hesitation, he resolved to +make Crabtree acquainted with his misfortune, that once for all +he might pass the ordeal of his satire, without subjecting himself +to a long series of sarcastic hints and doubtful allusions, which +he could not endure. He accordingly took the first opportunity of +telling him that he was absolutely ruined by the perfidy of his +patron, and desired that he would not aggravate his affliction by +those cynical remarks which were peculiar to men of his misanthropical +disposition. Cadwallader listened to this declaration with internal +surprise, which, however, produced no alteration in his countenance; +and, after some pause, observed, that our hero had no reason to look +for any new observation from him upon this event, which he had long +foreseen, and daily expected, and exhorted him, with an ironical +sneer, to console himself with the promise of the minister, who +would doubtless discharge the debts of his deceased bosom friend. + + + + + +CHAPTER XCIII. + + + + +Peregrine commits himself to the Public, and is admitted Member of +a College of Authors. + + +The bitterness of this explanation being passed, our young gentleman +began to revolve within himself schemes for making up the deficiencies +of his yearly income, which was now so grievously reduced; and +determined to profit, in some shape or other, by those talents +which he owed to nature and education. He had, in his affluence, +heard of several authors, who, without any pretensions to genius or +human literature, earned a very genteel subsistence by undertaking +work for booksellers, in which reputation was not at all concerned. +One, for example, professed all manner of translation, at so much +per sheet, and actually kept five or six amanuenses continually +employed, like so many clerks in a counting-house, by which means +he was enabled to live at his ease, and enjoy his friend and his +bottle, ambitious of no other character than that of an honest man +and a good neighbour. Another projected a variety of plans for new +dictionaries, which were executed under his eye by day-labourers; +and the province of a third was history and voyages, collected or +abridged by understrappers of the same class. + +Mr. Pickle, in his comparisons, paid such deference to his own +capacity, as banished all doubts of his being able to excel any +of those undertakers in their different branches of profession, +if ever he should be driven to that experiment; but his ambition +prompted him to make his interest and glory coincide, by attempting +some performance which should do him honour with the public, and +at the same time establish his importance among the copy-purchasers +in town. With this view, he worshipped the muse; and, conscious +of the little regard which is in this age paid to every species of +poetic composition, in which neither satire nor obscenity occurs, +he produced an imitation of Juvenal, and lashed some conspicuous +characters, with equal truth, spirit, and severity. Though his name +did not appear in the title-page of this production, he managed +matters so that the work was universally imputed to the true author, +who was not altogether disappointed in his expectations of success; +for the impression was immediately sold off, and the piece became +the subject of conversation in all assemblies of taste. + +This happy exordium not only attracted the addresses of the booksellers, +who made interest for his acquaintance, but also roused the notice +of a society of authors, who styled themselves "The College," from +which he was honoured with a deputation, offering to enroll him a +member by unanimous consent. The person employed for this purpose +being a bard who had formerly tasted of our hero's bounty, used +all his eloquence to persuade him to comply with the advances of +their fraternity, which he described in such a manner as inflamed +the curiosity of Pickle, who dismissed the ambassador, with an +acknowledgment of the great honour they conferred upon him, and a +faithful promise of endeavouring to merit the continuance of their +approbation. + +He was afterwards, by the same minister, instructed in the ceremonies +of the college; and, in consequence of his information, composed +an ode, to be publicly recited on the evening of his introduction. +He understood that this constitution was no other than a body of +authors, incorporated by mutual consent, for their joint advantage +and satisfaction, opposed to another assembly of the same kind, +their avowed enemies and detractors. No wonder, then, that they +sought to strengthen themselves with such a valuable acquisition +as our hero was likely to prove. The college consisted of authors +only, and these of all degrees in point of reputation, from the +fabricator of a song, set to music, and sung at Marylebone, to +the dramatic bard who had appeared in buskins upon the stage: nay, +one of the members had actually finished eight books of an epic +poem, for the publication of which he was at that time soliciting +subscriptions. + +It cannot be supposed that such a congregation of the sons of Apollo +would sit a whole evening with order and decorum, unless they were +under the check of some established authority; and this inconvenience +having been foreseen, they had elected a president, vested with +full power to silence any member or members that should attempt to +disturb the harmony and subordination of the whole. The sage, who +at this time possessed the chair, was a person in years, whose +countenance was a lively portraiture of that rancorous discontent +which follows repeated damnation. He had been extremely unfortunate +in his theatrical productions, and was, to use the words of a +profane wag, who assisted at the condemnation of his last play, by +this time d--d beyond redemption. Nevertheless, he still tarried +about the skirts of Parnassus, translating some of the classics, +and writing miscellanies, and by dint of an invincible assurance, +supercilious insolence, the most undaunted virulence of tongue, +and some knowledge of life, he made shift to acquire and maintain +the character of a man of learning and wit, in the opinion of people +who had neither; that is, thirty-nine in forty of those with whom +he associated himself. He was even looked upon in this light by some +few of the college; though the major part of those who favoured his +election, were such as dreaded his malice, respected his experience +and seniority, or hated his competitor, who was the epic poet. + +The chief end of this society, as I have already hinted, was +to assist and support each other in their productions, which they +mutually recommended to sale, with all their art and influence, +not only in private conversation, but also in occasional epigrams, +criticisms, and advertisements, inserted in the public papers. This +science, which is known by the vulgar appellation of puffing, they +carried to such a pitch of finesse, that an author very often wrote +an abusive answer to his own performance, in order to inflame the +curiosity of the town, by which it had been overlooked. Notwithstanding +this general unanimity in the college, a private animosity had +long subsisted between the two rivals I have mentioned, on account +of precedence, to which both laid claim, though, by a majority of +votes, it had been decided in favour of the present chairman. The +grudge indeed never proceeded to any degree of outrage or defiance, +but manifested itself at every meeting, in attempts to eclipse +each other in smart sayings and pregnant repartee; so that there +was always a delicate mess of this kind of wit served up in the +front of the evening, for the entertainment and example of the junior +members, who never failed to divide upon this occasion, declaring +themselves for one or other of the combatants, whom they encouraged +by their looks, gestures, and applause, according to the circumstances +of the dispute. + +This honourable consistory was held in the best room of an ale-house, +which afforded wine, punch, or beer, suitable to the purse or +inclination of every individual, who separately paid for his own +choice; and here was our hero introduced in the midst of twenty +strangers, who, by their looks and equipage, formed a very picturesque +variety. He was received with a most gracious solemnity, and placed +upon the right hand of the president, who, having commanded silence, +recited aloud his introductory ode, which met with universal +approbation. Then was tendered to him the customary oath, obliging +him to consult the honour and advantage of the society as far as +it should he in his power, in every station of life; and this being +taken, his temples were bound with a wreath of laurel, which was +kept sacred for such inauguration. + +When these rites were performed with all due ceremony, the new +member cast his eyes around the place, and took a more accurate +survey of his brethren; among whom he observed a strange collection +of periwigs, with regard to the colour, fashions, and dimensions, +which were such as he had never seen before. Those who sat on each +side, nearest the president, were generally distinguished by venerable +ties, the foretops of which exhibited a surprising diversity; some +of them rose slanting backwards, like the glacis of a fortification; +some were elevated in two distinct eminences, like the hills Helicon +and Parnassus; and others were curled and reflected, as the horns +of Jupiter Ammon. Next to these, the majors took place, many of +which were mere succedanea, made by the application of an occasional +rose to the tail of a lank bob; and in the lower form appeared +masses of hair, which would admit of no description. + +Their clothes were tolerably well suited to the furniture of their +heads, the apparel of the upper bench being decent and clean, while +that of the second class was threadbare and soiled; and at the +lower end of the room, he perceived divers efforts made to conceal +their rent breeches and dirty linen; nay, he could distinguish +by their countenances the different kinds of poetry in which they +exercised the muse. He saw Tragedy conspicuous in a grave solemnity +of regard; Satire louring in a frown of envy and discontent; Elegy +whining in a funeral aspect; Pastoral dozing in a most insipid +languor of face; Ode-writing delineated in a distracted stare; and +Epigram squinting with a pert sneer. Perhaps our hero refined too +much in his penetration, when he affirmed, that, over and above +these discoveries, he could plainly perceive the state of every +one's finances, and would have undertaken to have guessed each +particular sum without varying three farthings from the truth. +The conversation, instead of becoming general, began to fall into +parties; and the epic poet had actually attracted the attention of +a private committee, when the chairman interposed, calling aloud, +"No cabals, no conspiracies, gentlemen." His rival, thinking it +incumbent upon him to make some reply to this rebuke, answered, "We +have no secrets; he that hath ears, let him hear." This was spoke +as an intimation to the company, whose looks were instantly whetted +with the expectation of their ordinary meal; but the president +seemed to decline the contest; for, without putting on his fighting +face, he calmly replied, that he had seen Mr. Metaphor tip the +wink, and whisper to one of his confederates, and thence judged, +that there was something mysterious on the carpet. + +The epic poet, believing his antagonist crest-fallen, resolved +to take the advantage of his dejection, that he might enhance his +own character in the opinion of the stranger; and, with that view, +asked, with an air of exultation, if a man might not be allowed +to have a convulsion in his eye, without being suspected of a +conspiracy? The president, perceiving his drift, and piqued at his +presumption, "To be sure," said he, "a man of a weak head may be +very well supposed to have convulsions in his eyes." This repartee +produced a laugh of triumph among the chairman's adherents; one +of whom observed, that his rival had got a smart rap on the pate. +"Yes," replied the bard, "in that respect Mr. Chairman has the +advantage of me. Had my head been fortified with a horn-work, I +should not have been so sensible of the stroke." This retort, which +carried a severe allusion to the president's wife, lighted up the +countenances of the aggressor's friends, which had begun to be a +little obumbrated; and had a contrary effect upon the other faction, +till their chief, collecting all his capacity, returned the salute, +by observing, that there was no occasion for a horn-work, when the +covered way was not worth defending. + +Such a reprisal upon Mr. Metaphor's yoke-fellow, who was by no +means remarkable for her beauty, could not fail to operate upon the +hearers; and as for the bard himself, he was evidently ruffled by +the reflection; to which, however, he, without hesitation, replied, +"Egad! 'tis my opinion, that, if your covered way was laid open, +few people would venture to give the assault."--"Not unless their +batteries were more effectual than the fire of your wit," said the +president. "As for that matter," cried the other with precipitation, +"they would have no occasion to batter in breach; they would find +the angle of the la pucelle bastion demolished to their hands--he, +he!"--"But I believe it would surpass your understanding," resumed +the chairman, "to fill up the fosse."--"That, I own, is impracticable," +replied the bard, "there I should meet with a hiatus maxime +deflendus!" + +The president, exasperated at this insinuation, in presence of the +new member, exclaimed, with indignation in his looks, "And yet, +if a body of pioneers were set at work upon your skull, they would +find rubbish enough to choke up all the common sewers in town." Here +a groan was uttered by the admirers of the epic poet, who, taking +a pinch of snuff with great composure, "When a man grows scurrilous," +said he, "I take it for an undoubted proof of his overthrow."--"If that +be the case," cried the other, "you yourself must be the vanquished +party, for you were the first that was driven to personal abuse."--"I +appeal," answered the bard, "to those who can distinguish. Gentlemen, +your judgment." + +This reference produced a universal clamour, and the whole college +was involved in confusion. Every man entered into dispute with his +neighbour on the merits of this cause. The chairman interposed his +authority in vain; the noise grew louder and louder; the disputants +waxed warm; the epithets of blockhead, fool, and scoundrel, were +bandied about. Peregrine enjoyed the uproar, and, leaping upon the +table, sounded the charge to battle, which was immediately commenced +in ten different duels. The lights were extinguished; the combatants +thrashed one another without distinction; the mischievous Pickle +distributed sundry random blows in the dark, and the people below, +being alarmed with the sound of application, the overturning of +chairs, and the outcries of those who were engaged, came up-stairs +in a body with lights to reconnoitre, and, if possible, quell this +hideous tumult. + +Objects were no sooner rendered visible, than the field of battle +exhibited strange groups of the standing and the fallen. Each of +Mr. Metaphor's eyes was surrounded with a circle of a livid hue; +and the president's nose distilled a quantity of clotted blood. +One of the tragic authors, finding himself assaulted in the dark, +had, by way of a poniard, employed upon his adversary's throat +a knife which lay upon the table, for the convenience of cutting +cheese; but, by the blessing of God, the edge of it was not keen +enough to enter the skin, which it had only scratched in divers +places. A satirist had almost bit off the ear of a lyric bard. +Shirts and neckcloths were torn to rags; and there was such a woeful +wreck of periwigs on the floor, that no examination could adjust +the property of the owners, the greatest part of whom were obliged +to use handkerchiefs by way of nightcap. + +The fray, however, ceased at the approach of those who interposed; +part of the combatants being tired of an exercise in which they had +received nothing but hard blows; part of them being intimidated by +the remonstrances of the landlord and his company, who threatened +to call the watch; and a very few being ashamed of the scandalous +dispute in which they were detected. But though the battle was ended, +it was impossible, for that evening, to restore harmony and good +order to the society, which broke up, after the president had +pronounced a short and confused apology to our adventurer, for +the indecent uproar which had unfortunately happened on the first +night of his admission. Indeed, Peregrine deliberated with himself, +whether or not his reputation would allow him to appear again +among this venerable fraternity; but, as he knew some of them to +be men of real genius, how ridiculous soever their carriage might +be modified, and was of that laughing disposition, which is always +seeking food for mirth, as Horace observes of Philippus: + +Risus undique quaerit;-- + +he resolved to frequent the college, notwithstanding this accident, +which happened at his inauguration; being thereto, moreover, induced +by his desire of knowing the private history of the stage, with +which he supposed some of the members perfectly well acquainted. +He was also visited, before the next meeting, by his introductor, +who assured him, that such a tumult had never happened since the +first institution of the assembly, till that very night; and promised +that, for the future, he should have no cause to be scandalized at +their behaviour. + +Persuaded by these motives and assurances, he trusted himself once +more in the midst of their community, and everything proceeded +with great decorum; all dispute and altercation was avoided, and +the college applied itself seriously to the purposes of its meeting, +namely, to hear the grievances of individuals, and assist them with +salutary advice. The first person that craved redress was a noisy +North Briton, who complained, in a strange dialect, that he had, +in the beginning of the season, presented a comedy to the manager +of a certain theatre, who, after it had lain six weeks in his hands, +returned it to the author, affirming there was neither sense nor +English in the performance. + +The president, who, by the bye, had revised the piece, thinking +his own reputation concerned, declared, in presence of the whole +society, that, with regard to sense, he would not undertake to +vindicate the production; but, in point of language, no fault could +be justly laid to its charge. "The case, however, is very plain," +said he; "the manager never gave himself the trouble to peruse the +play, but formed a judgment of it from the conversation of the +author, never dreaming that it had undergone the revisal of an +English writer; be that as it will, you are infinitely obliged to +him for having despatched you so soon, and I shall have the better +opinion of him for it so long as I live; for I have known other +guise authors than you, that is, in point of interest and fame, +kept in continual attendance and dependence during the best part +of their lives, and, after all, disappointed in the expectation of +seeing their performances exhibited on the stage." + + + + + +CHAPTER XCIV. + + + + +Further proceedings of the College. + + +This affair was no sooner discussed, than another gentleman exhibited +a complaint, signifying, that he had undertaken to translate into +English a certain celebrated author, who had been cruelly mangled +by former attempts; and that, soon as his design took air, the +proprietors of those miserable translations had endeavoured to +prejudice his work, by industrious insinuations, contrary to truth +and fair dealing, importing, that he did not understand one word of +the language which he pretended to translate. This being a case +that nearly concerned the greatest part of the audience, it was +taken into serious deliberation. Some observed, that it was not +only a malicious effort against the plaintiff, but also a spiteful +advertisement to the public, tending to promote an inquiry into +the abilities of all other translators, few of whom, it was well +known, were so qualified as to stand the test of such examination. +Others said, that over and above this consideration, which ought +to have its due weight with the college, there was a necessity for +concerting measures to humble the presumption of booksellers, who +had, from time immemorial, taken all opportunities to oppress and +enslave their authors; not only by limiting men of genius to the +wages of journeymen tailors, without even allowing them one Sabbath +in the week, but also in taking such advantages of their necessities +as were inconsistent with justice and humanity. + +"For example," said one of the members, "after I myself had acquired +a little reputation with the town, I was caressed by one of those +tyrants, who professed a friendship for me, and even supplied me +with money, according to the exigencies of my situation; so that +I looked upon him as the mirror of disinterested benevolence; and +had he known my disposition, and treated me accordingly, I should +have writ for him upon his own terms. After I had used his friendship +in this manner for some time, I happened to have occasion for a small +sum of money, and with great confidence made another application to +my good friend; when all of a sudden he put a stop to his generosity, +refused to accommodate me in the most abrupt and mortifying style; +and though I was at that time pretty far advanced in a work for +his benefit, which was a sufficient security for what I owed him, +he roundly asked, how I proposed to pay the money which I had +already borrowed? Thus was I used like a young w-- just come upon +the town, whom the b--d allows to run into her debt, that she may +have it in her power to oppress her at pleasure; and if the sufferer +complains, she is treated like the most ungrateful wretch upon +earth; and that too with such appearance of reason, as may easily +mislead an unconcerned spectator. 'You unthankful drab!' she will +say, 'didn't I take you into my house when you hadn't a shift to your +back, a petticoat to your tail, nor a morsel of bread to put into +your belly? Han't I clothed you from head to foot like a gentlewoman, +supported you with board, lodging, and all necessaries, till your +own extravagance hath brought you into distress; and now you have +the impudence, you nasty, stinking, brimstone bungaway! to say you +are hardly dealt with, when I demand no more than my own?' Thus +the w-- and the author are equally oppressed, and even left without +the melancholy privilege of complaining; so that they are fain to +subscribe to such terms as their creditors shall please to impose." + +This illustration operated so powerfully upon the conviction +and resentment of the whole college, that revenge was universally +denounced against those who had aggrieved the plaintiff; and, after +some debate, it was agreed, that he should make a new translation +of some other saleable book, in opposition to a former version +belonging to the delinquents, and print it in such a small size +as would enable him to undersell their property; and that this new +translation should be recommended and introduced into the world +with the whole art and influence of the society. + +This affair being settled to the satisfaction of all present, +an author of some character stood up, and craved the advice and +assistance of his fellows, in punishing a certain nobleman of great +pretensions to taste, who, in consequence of a production which +this gentleman had ushered into the world with universal applause, +not only desired, but even eagerly courted his acquaintance. "He +invited me to his house," said he, "where I was overwhelmed with +civility and professions of friendship. He insisted upon my treating +him as an intimate, and calling upon him at all hours, without +ceremony; he made me promise to breakfast with him at least three +times a week. In short, I looked upon myself as very fortunate, +in meeting with such advances from a man of his interest and +reputation, who had it in his power to befriend me effectually in +my passage through life; and, that I might not give him any cause +to think I neglected his friendship, I went to his house in two +days, with a view of drinking chocolate, according to appointment; +but he had been so much fatigued with dancing at an assembly overnight, +that his valet-de-chambre would not venture to wake him so early; +and I left my compliments to his lordship, with a performance in +manuscript, which he had expressed a most eager desire to peruse. +I repeated my visit next morning, that his impatience to see me might +not have some violent effect upon his constitution; and received +a message from his minister, signifying, that he had been highly +entertained with the manuscript I had left, a great part of which +he had read, but was at present so busy in contriving a proper dress +for a private masquerade, which would be given that same evening, +that he could not have the pleasure of my company at breakfast. +"This was a feasible excuse, which I admitted accordingly, and in +a day or two appeared again, when his lordship was particularly +engaged. This might possibly be the case; and therefore I returned +the fourth time, in hopes of finding him more at leisure; but +he had gone out about half an hour before my arrival, and left my +performance with his valet-de-chambre, who assured me, that his +lord had perused it with infinite pleasure. Perhaps I might have +retired very well satisfied with this declaration, had not I, in my +passage through the hall, heard one of the footmen upon the top of +the staircase, pronounce with an audible voice, 'Will your lordship +please to be at home when he calls?' It is not to be supposed that +I was pleased at this discovery, which I no sooner made, than, +turning to my conductor, 'I find,' said I, 'his lordship is disposed +to be abroad to more people than me this morning.' The fellow, +though a valet-de-chambre, blushed at this observation; and I +withdrew, not a little irritated at the peer's disingenuity, and +fully resolved to spare him my visits for the future. It was not +long after this occasion, that I happened to meet him in the park, +and being naturally civil, I could not pass him without a salutation +of the hat, which he returned in the most distant manner, though +we were both solitary, and not a soul within view, and when that +very performance, which he had applauded so warmly, was lately +published by subscription, he did not bespeak so much as one copy. +I have often reflected with wonder upon this inconsistency of his +conduct. I never courted his patronage, nor indeed thought of his +name, until he made interest for my acquaintance; and if he was +disappointed in my conversation, why did he press me so much to +further connection?" + +"The case is very clear," cried the chairman, interrupting him; +"he is one of those connoisseurs who set up for taste, and value +themselves upon knowing all men of genius, whom they would be thought +to assist in their productions. I will lay an even bet with any +man, that his lordship on the strength of that slender interview, +together with the opportunity of having seen your performance +in manuscript, has already hinted to every company in which he is +conversant, that you solicited his assistance in retouching the +piece, which you have now offered to the public, and that he was +pleased to favour you with his advice, but found you obstinately +bigoted to your own opinion, in some points relating to those very +passages which have not met with the approbation of the town. As +for his caresses, there was nothing at all extraordinary in his +behaviour. By that time you have lived to my age, you will not be +surprised to see a courtier's promise and performance of a different +complexion; not but that I would willingly act as an auxiliary in +your resentment." + +The opinion of the president was strengthened by the concurrence +of all the members; and all other complaints and memorials being +deferred till another sitting, the college proceeded to an exercise +of wit, which was generally performed once every fortnight, with +a view to promote the expectoration of genius. The subject was +occasionally chosen by the chairman, who opened the game with some +shrewd remark naturally arising from the conversation; and then the +ball was tossed about, from one corner of the room to the other, +according to the motions of the spirit. + +That the reader may have a just idea of this sport, and of the +abilities of those who carried it on, I shall repeat the sallies +of this evening, according to the order and succession in which +they escaped. One of the members observing that Mr. Metaphor was +absent, was told by the person who sat next to him, that the poet +had foul weather at home, and could not stir abroad. "What!" said +the president, interposing, with the signal upon his countenance, "is +he wind-bound, in port?"--"Wine-bound, I suppose," cried another. +"Hooped with wine! a strange metaphor!" said the third. "Not if +he has got into a hogshead," answered the fourth. "The hogshead +will sooner get into him," replied a fifth; "it must be a tun or +an ocean."--"No wonder then, if he should be overwhelmed," said a +sixth. "If he should," cried a seventh, "he will cast up when his +gall breaks."--"That must be very soon," roared an eighth, "for it +has been long ready to burst." "No, no," observed a ninth, "he'll +stick fast at the bottom, take my word for it; he has a natural +alacrity in sinking."--"And yet," remarked a tenth, "I have seen +him in the clouds."--"Then was he cloudy, I suppose," cried the +eleventh. "So dark," replied the other, "that his meaning could +not be perceived."--"For all that," said the twelfth, "he is easily +seen through."--"You talk," answered the thirteenth, "as if his head +was made of glass."--"No, no," cried the fourteenth, "his head is +made of more durable stuff; it will bend before it breaks."--"Yet +I have seen it broken," resumed the president. "Did you perceive +any wit come out at the whole?" said another. "His wit," replied +the chairman, "is too subtle to be perceived." + +A third mouth was just open, when the exercise was suddenly interrupted +by the dreadful cry of "Fire!" which issued from the kitchen, and +involved the whole college in confusion. Every man endeavoured to +be the first in making his exit, the door and passage were blocked +up; each individual was pommelled by the person that happened to +be behind him. This communication produced noise and exclamation; +clouds of smoke rolled upwards into the apartment, and terror sat +on every brow; when Peregrine, seeing no prospect of retreating +by the door, opened one of the windows, and fairly leaped into the +street, where he found a crowd of people assembled to contribute +their assistance in extinguishing the flames. Several members of +the college followed his example, and happily accomplished their +escape. The chairman himself, being unwilling to use the same +expedient, stood trembling on the brink of descent, dubious of his +own agility, and dreading the consequence of such a leap, when a +chair happening to pass, he laid hold on the opportunity, and by +an exertion of his muscles, pitched upon the top of the carriage, +which was immediately overturned in the kennel, to the grievous +annoyance of the fare, which happened to be a certain effeminate +beau, in full dress, on his way to a private assembly. + +This phantom hearing the noise overhead, and feeling the shock of +being overthrown at the same time, thought that some whole tenement +had fallen upon the chair, and, in the terror of being crushed to +pieces, uttered a scream, which the populace supposed to proceed +from the mouth of a woman; and therefore went to his assistance, +while the chairmen, instead of ministering to his occasions, no +sooner recollected themselves, than they ran in pursuit of their +overthrower, who, being accustomed to escape from bailiffs, dived +into a dark alley, and, vanishing in a trice, was not visible to +any living soul, until he appeared next day on Tower-hill. + +The humane part of the mob, who bestirred themselves for the +relief of the supposed lady, no sooner perceived their mistake in +the appearance of the beau, who stared around him with horror and +affright, than their compassion was changed into mirth, and they +began to pass a great many unsavoury jokes upon his misfortune, +which they now discovered no inclination to alleviate; and he +found himself very uncomfortably beset, when Pickle, pitying his +situation, interposed in his behalf, and prevailed upon the chairmen +to carry him into the house of an apothecary in the neighbourhood, +to whom his mischance proved a very advantageous accident; for the +fright operated so violently upon his nerves, that he was seized +with a delirium, and lay a whole fortnight deprived of his senses; +during which period he was not neglected in point of medicines, food, +and attendance, but royally regaled, as appeared by the contents +of his landlord's bill. + +Our adventurer having seen this unfortunate beau safely housed, +returned to the scene of the other calamity, which, as it was no +other than a foul chimney, soon yielded to the endeavours of the +family, and was happily overcome, without any other bad consequence +than that of alarming the neighbours, disturbing the college, and +disordering the brain of a beau. Eager to be acquainted with the +particular constitutions of a society which seemed to open upon him +by degrees, Mr. Pickle did not fail to appear at the next meeting, +when several petitions were laid before the board, in behalf of those +members who were confined in the prisons of the Fleet, Marshalsea, +and King's Bench. As those unhappy authors expected nothing from +their brethren but advice and good offices, which did not concern +the purse, the memorials were considered with great care and +humanity; and, upon this occasion, Peregrine had it in his power +to manifest his importance to the community; for he happened to be +acquainted with the creditor of one of the prisoners, and knew that +gentleman's severity was owing to his resentment at the behaviour +of the debtor, who had lampooned him in print, because he refused +to comply with a fresh demand, after he had lent him money to +the amount of a considerable sum. Our young gentleman, therefore, +understanding that the author was penitent, and disposed to make +a reasonable submission, promised to employ his influence with +the creditor towards an accommodation; and in a few days actually +obtained his release. + +The social duties being discharged, the conversation took a general +turn, and several new productions were freely criticised; those +especially which belonged to authors who were either unconnected with, +or unknown to the college. Nor did the profession of stage-playing +escape the cognizance of the assembly; a deputation of the most +judicious members being sent weekly to each theatre, with a view +of making remarks upon the performance of the actors. The censors +for the preceding week were accordingly called upon to give in +their report; and the play which they had reviewed was "the Revenge." + +"Mr. Q--," said the second censor, "take him all in all, is certainly +the most complete and unblemished performer that ever appeared on +our stage, notwithstanding the blind adoration which is paid to his +rival. I went two nights ago, with an express design to criticise +his action. I could find no room for censure, but infinite subject +for admiration and applause. In Pierre he is great, in Othello +excellent, but in Zanga beyond all imitation. Over and above +the distinctness of pronunciation, the dignity of attitude, and +expression of face, his gestures are so just and significant, that +a man, though utterly bereft of the sense of hearing, might, by +seeing him only, understand the meaning of every word he speaks! Sure +nothing can be more exquisite than his manner of telling Isabella +how Alonzo behaved, when he found the incendiary letter which he had +dropped by the Moor's direction; and when, to crown his vengeance, +he discovers himself to be the contriver of all the mischief that +had happened, he manifests a perfect masterpiece of action, in +pronouncing these four little monosyllables, "Know, then, 'twas--I." + +Peregrine having eyed the critic some minutes, "I fancy," said he, +"your praise must be ironical, because, in the very two situations +you mention, I think I have seen that player outherod Herod, or, +in other words, exceed all his other extravagances. The intention +of the author is, that the Moor should communicate to his confidant +a piece of information contained in a few lines, which, doubtless, +ought to be repeated with an air of eagerness and satisfaction, +not with the ridiculous grimace of a monkey, to which, methought, +his action bore an intimate resemblance, in uttering this plain +sentence:-- + + ----He took it up: + But scarce was it unfolded to his sight, + When he, as if an arrow pierc'd his eye, + Started, and trembling dropp'd it on the ground. + +"In pronouncing the first two words, this egregious actor stoops +down, and seems to take up something from the stage, then proceeding +to repeat what follows, mimics the manner of unfolding a letter; +when he mentions the simile of an arrow piercing the eye, he darts +his forefinger towards that organ. then recoils with great violence +when the word 'started' is expressed; and when he comes to 'trembling +dropp'd it on the ground,' he throws all his limbs into a tremulous +motion, and shakes the imaginary paper from his hand. The latter part +of the description is carried on with the same minute gesticulation, +while he says:-- + + Pale and aghast awhile my victim stood, + Disguis'd a sigh or two, and puff'd them from him; + Then rubb'd his brow, and took it up again. + +The player's countenance assumes a wild stare, he sighs twice most +piteously, as if he were on the point of suffocation, scrubs his +forehead, and, bending his body, apes the action of snatching an +object from the floor. Nor is this dexterity of dumb-show omitted, +when he concludes his imitation in these three lines:-- + + At first he look'd as if he meant to read it; + But check'd by rising fears, he crushed it thus, + And thrust it, like an adder, in his bosom. + +"Here the judicious performer imitates the confusion and concern +of Alonzo, seems to cast his eyes upon something, from which they +are immediately withdrawn with horror and precipitation then shutting +his fist with a violent squeeze, as if he intended to make immediate +application to Isabella's nose, he rams it in his own bosom, with +all the horror and agitation of a thief taken in the manner. Were +the player debarred the use of speech, and obliged to act to the eyes +only of the audience, this mimicry might be a necessary conveyance +of his meaning; but when he is at liberty to signify his ideas by +language, nothing can be more trivial, forced, unnatural, and antic, +than this mummery. Not that I would exclude from the representation +the graces of action, without which the choicest sentiments, +clothed in the most exquisite expression, would appear unanimated +and insipid; but these are as different from this ridiculous +burlesque, as is the demeanour of a Tully in the rostrum, from +the tricks of a Jack-pudding on a mountebank's stage. And, for the +truth of what I allege, I appeal to the observation of any person +who has considered the elegance of attitude and propriety of gesture, +as they are universally acknowledged in the real characters of +life. Indeed, I have known a Gascon, whose limbs were eloquent as +his tongue: he never mentioned the word sleep without reclining +his head upon his hand; when he had occasion to talk of a horse, he +always started up and trotted across the room, except when he was +so situated that he could not stir without incommoding the company, +and in that case he contented himself with neighing aloud. If a +dog happened to be the subject of his conversation, he wagged his +tail, and grinned in a most significant manner; and one day he +expressed his desire of going backwards with such natural imitation +of his purpose, that everybody in the room firmly believed he had +actually overshot himself, and fortified their nostrils accordingly. +Yet no man ever looked upon this virtuoso to be the standard of +propriety in point of speaking and deportment. For my own part, I +confess the player in question would, by dint of these qualifications, +make a very good figure in the character of Pantaloon's lacquey, +in the entertainment of 'Perseus and Andromeda,' and perhaps might +acquire some reputation, by turning 'the Revenge' into a pantomime; +in which case, I would advise him to come upon the stage, provided +with a handful of flour, in order to besmear his face when he pronounces +'pale and aghast,' etc.; and methinks he ought to illustrate the +adder with a hideous hiss. But let us now come to the other situation, +in which this modern Aesopus is supposed to distinguish himself so +much--I mean that same eclaircissement comprehended in 'Know then, +'twas--I.' His manner, I own, may be altered since I was present +at the representation of that performance; but certain I am, when +I beheld him in that critical conjuncture, his behaviour appeared +to me so uncouth, that I really imagined he was visited by some +epileptic distemper; for he stood tottering and gasping for the +space of two minutes, like a man suddenly struck with the palsy; +and, after various distortions and side-shakings, as if he had got +fleas in his doublet, heaved up from his lungs the letter I, like +a huge anchor from foul ground." + +This criticism was acceptable to the majority of the college, who +had no great veneration for the player in question; and his admirer, +without making any reply, asked in a whisper, of the gentleman who +sat next to him, if Pickle had not offered some production to the +stage, and met with a repulse. + + + + + +CHAPTER XCV. + + + + +The young Gentleman is introduced to a Virtuoso of the first Order, +and commences Yelper. + + +Hitherto Peregrine had professed himself an author, without reaping +the fruits of that occupation, except the little fame he had acquired +by his late satire; but now he thought it high time to weigh solid +pudding against empty praise; and therefore engaged with some +booksellers in a certain translation, which he obliged himself to +perform for the consideration of two hundred pounds. The articles +of agreement being drawn, he began his task with great eagerness, +rose early in the morning to his work, at which he laboured all +day long, went abroad with the bats in the evening, and appeared +in the coffee-house, where he amused himself with the newspapers +and conversation till nine o'clock; then he retired to his own +apartment, and, after a slight repast, betook himself to rest, that +he might be able to unroost with the cock. This sudden change from +his former way of life agreed so ill with his disposition, that, for +the first time, he was troubled with flatulencies and indigestion, +which produced anxiety and dejection of spirits, and the nature +of his situation began in some measure to discompose his brain; +a discovery which he no sooner made, than he had recourse to the +advice of a young physician, who was a member of the college of +authors, at this time one of our hero's most intimate acquaintance. + +The son of Esculapius, having considered his case, imputed his +disorder to the right cause, namely, want of exercise; dissuaded him +from such close application to study, until he should be gradually +familiarized to a sedentary life; advised him to enjoy his friend +and his bottle in moderation, and wean himself from his former +customs by degrees; and, above all things, to rise immediately +after his first sleep, and exercise himself in a morning's walk. In +order to render this last part of the prescription the more palatable, +the doctor promised to attend him in these early excursions, and +even to introduce him to a certain personage of note, who gave a +sort of public breakfasting to the minor virtuosi of the age, and +often employed his interest in behalf of those who properly cultivated +his countenance and approbation. + +This proposal was extremely acceptable to our young gentleman, +who, besides the advantage which might accrue to him from such a +valuable connection, foresaw much entertainment and satisfaction +in the discourse of so many learned guests. The occasions of his +health and interest, moreover, coincided in another circumstance; +the minister's levee being kept betimes in the morning, so that +he could perform his walk, yield his attendance, and breakfast at +this philosophical board, without encroaching a great deal upon his +other avocations. Measures being thus preconcerted, the physician +conducted our adventurer to the house of this celebrated sage, to +whom he recommended him as a gentleman of genius and taste, who +craved the honour of his acquaintance; but he had previously smoothed +the way to his introduction, by representing Peregrine as a young +fellow of great ambition, spirit, and address, who could not +fail to make a figure in the world; that therefore he would be a +creditable addition to the subordinates of such a patron, and by +his qualifications, intrepidity, and warmth of temper, turn out +a consummate herald of his fame. Upon these considerations, he +met with a most engaging reception from the entertainer, who was +a well-bred man, of some learning, generosity, and taste; but his +foible was the desire of being thought the inimitable pattern of +all three. + +It was with a view to acquire and support this character, that his +house was open to all those who had any pretensions to literature; +consequently he was surrounded by a strange variety of pretenders; +but none were discouraged, because he knew that even the most +insignificant might, in some shape, conduce to the propagation of +his praise. A babbler, though he cannot run upon the scent, may +spring the game, and, by his yelping, help to fill up the cry. No +wonder, then, that a youth of Pickle's accomplishments was admitted +and even invited into the pack. After having enjoyed a very short +private audience in the closet, our young gentleman was shown into +another room, where half a dozen of his fellow-adherents waited for +the Maecenas, who in a few minutes appeared, with a most gracious +aspect, received the compliments of the morning, and sat down to +breakfast, in the midst of them, without any further ceremony. + +The conversation at first turned upon the weather, which was +investigated in a very philosophical manner by one of the company, +who seemed to have consulted all the barometers and thermometers +that ever were invented, before he would venture to affirm that +it was a chill morning. This subject being accurately discussed, +the chief inquired about the news of the learned world; and his +inclination was no sooner expressed than every guest opened his +mouth, in order to ratify his curiosity. But he that first captivated +his attention was a meagre, shrivelled antiquary, who looked like +an animated mummy, which had been scorched among the sands of the +desert. He told the patron, that he had, by accident, met with +a medal, which, though it was defaced by time, he would venture +to pronounce a genuine antique, from the ringing and taste of the +metal, as well as from the colour and composition of the rust. So +saying, he produced a piece of copper coin, so consumed and disguised +by age, that scarce a vestige of the impression was to be perceived. +Nevertheless, this connoisseur pretended to distinguish a face in +profile, from which he concluded that the piece was of the Upper +Empire, and on the reverse he endeavoured to point out the bulb of +the spear, and part of the parazonium, which were the insignia of +the Roman Virtus, together with the fragment of one fold of the +multicium in which she was clothed. He likewise had discovered an +angle of the letter N, and, at some distance, an entire I; from +these circumstances conjecturing, and indeed concluding, that the +medal was struck by Severus, in honour of the victory he obtained +over his rival Niger, after he had forced the passes of Mount Taurus. +This criticism seemed very satisfactory to the entertainer, who, +having examined the coin by the help of his spectacles, plainly +discerned the particulars which the owner had mentioned, and was +pleased to term his account of the matter a very ingenious explanation. + +The curiosity was circulated through the hands of all present, and +every virtuoso, in his turn, licked the copper, and rung it upon +the hearth, declaring his assent to the judgment which had been +pronounced. At length it fell under the inspection of our young +gentleman, who, though no antiquarian, was very well acquainted +with the current coin of his own country, and no sooner cast his +eyes upon the valuable antique, than he affirmed, without hesitation, +that it was no other than the ruins of an English farthing, and that +same spear, parazonium, and multicium, the remains of the emblems +and drapery with which the figure of Britannia is delineated +on our copper money. This hardy asseveration seemed to disconcert +the patron while it incensed the medallist, who, grinning like an +enraged baboon, "What d'ye tell me of a brass farthing?" said he. +"Did you ever know modern brass of such a relish? Do but taste it, +young gentleman; and sure I am, if you have ever been conversant +with subjects of this kind, you will find as wide a difference in +the savour between this and an English farthing as can possibly be +perceived betwixt an onion and a turnip. Besides, this medal has +the true Corinthian ring; then the attitude is upright, whereas +that of Britannia is reclining; and how is it possible to mistake +a branch of palm for a parazonium?" + +All the rest of the company espoused the virtuoso's side of the +question, because the reputation of each was concerned. The patron, +finding himself in the same circumstance, assumed a solemnity +of feature, dashed with a small mixture of displeasure, and told +Peregrine, that as he had not made that branch of literature his +particular study, he was not surprised to see him mistaken in his +opinion. Pickle immediately understood the reproof, though he was +shocked at the vanity or infatuation of his entertainer and fellow-guests; +asked pardon for his presumption, which was accordingly excused, +in consideration of his inexperience; and the English farthing was +dignified with the title of a true antique. + +The next person that addressed himself to the chief was a gentleman +of a very mathematical turn, who valued himself upon the improvements +he had made in several domestic machines, and now presented the +plan of a new contrivance for cutting cabbages, in such a manner +as would secure the stock against the rotting rain, and enable it +to produce a plenteous aftercrop of delicious sprouts. In this +important machine he had united the whole mechanic powers, with +such massy complication of iron and wood, that it could not have +been moved without the assistance of a horse, and a road made for +the convenience of the draught. These objections were so obvious, +that they occurred at first sight to the inspector-general, +who greatly commended the invention, which, he observed, might be +applied to several other useful purposes, could it once be rendered +a little more portable and commodious. + +The inventor, who had not foreseen these difficulties, was not +prepared to surmount them; but he took the hint in good part, and +promised to task his abilities anew, in altering the construction +of his design. Not but that he underwent some severe irony from +the rest of the virtuosi, who complimented him upon the momentous +improvement he had made, by which a family might save a dish of +greens in a quarter, for so trifling an expense as that of purchasing, +working, and maintaining such a stupendous machine; but no man was +ever more sarcastic in his remarks upon this piece of mechanism +than the naturalist, who next appealed to the patron's approbation +for a curious disposition he had made touching the procreation of +muck-flies, in which he had laid down a curious method of collecting, +preserving, and hatching the eggs of these insects, even in the +winter, by certain modifications of artificial heat. The nature of +this discovery was no sooner communicated, than Peregrine, unable +to contain himself, was seized with a fit of laughter, which infected +every person at the table, the landlord himself not excepted, who +found it impossible to preserve his wonted gravity of face. + +Such unmannerly mirth did not fail to mortify the philosopher, +who, after some pause, during which indignation and disdain were +painted in his countenance, reprehended our young gentleman for +his unphilosophical behaviour, and undertook to prove, that the +subject of his inquiry was of infinite consequence to the progress +and increase of natural knowledge. But he found no quarter from +the vengeful engineer, who now retorted his ironical compliments, +with great emphasis, upon this hotbed for the generation of vermin, +and advised him to lay the whole process before the Royal Society, +which would, doubtless, present him with a medal, and give him a +place among their memoirs, as a distinguished promoter of the useful +arts. "If," said he, "you had employed your studies in finding +out some effectual method to destroy those insects which prejudice +and annoy mankind, in all probability you must have been contented +with the contemplation of the good you had done; but this curious +expedient for multiplying maggots will surely entitle you to an +honourable rank in the list of learned philosophers."--"I don't +wonder," replied the naturalist, "that you should be so much averse +to the propagation of insects, because, in all likelihood, you are +afraid that they will not leave you a cabbage to cut down with the +same miraculous machine."--"Sir," answered the mechanic, with great +bitterness of voice and aspect, "if the cabbage be as light-headed +as some muck-worm philosophers, it will not he worth cutting +down."--" I never dispute upon cabbage with the son of a cucumber," +said the fly-breeder, alluding to the pedigree of his antagonist; +who, impatient of the affront, started up with fury in his looks, +exclaiming, "'Sdeath! meaning me, sir?" + +Here the patron, perceiving things drawing towards a rupture, +interposed his authority, rebuking them for their intemperance +and recommending to them amity and concord against the Goths and +Vandals of the age, who took all opportunities of ridiculing and +discouraging the adherents of knowledge and philosophy. After this +exhortation, they had no pretence for carrying on the dispute, which +was dropped in all appearance, though the mechanic still retained +his resentment; and after breakfast, when the company broke +up, accosted his adversary in the street, desiring to know how he +durst be so insolent as to make that scurrilous reflection upon his +family. The fly-fancier, thus questioned, accused the mathematician +of having been the aggressor, in likening his head to a light cabbage; +and here the altercation being renewed, the engineer proceeded to +the illustration of his mechanics, tilting up his hand like a balance, +thrusting it forward by way of lever, embracing the naturalist's +nose like a wedge betwixt two of his fingers, and turning it round, +with the momentum of a screw or peritrochium. Had they been obliged +to decide the dispute with equal arms, the assailant would have +had great advantage over the other, who was very much his inferior +in muscular strength; but the philosopher being luckily provided +with a cane, no sooner disengaged himself from this opprobrious +application, than he handled his weapon with great dexterity about +the head and shoulders of his antagonist, who, finding this shower +of blows very disagreeable, was fain to betake himself to his heels +for shelter, and was pursued by the angry victor, who chased him +from one end of the street to the other, affording unspeakable +satisfaction to the multitude, as well as to our hero and to his +introductor, who were spectators of the whole scene. + +Thus was our adventurer initiated into the society of Yelpers, +though he did not as yet fully understand the nature of his office, +which was explained by the young physician, who chid him for his +blunt behaviour in the case of the medal; and gave him to understand, +that their patron's favour was neither to be gained nor preserved +by any man that would pretend to convict him of a mistake. He +therefore counselled him to respect this foible, and cultivate +the old gentleman with all the zeal and veneration which a regard +to his own character would permit him to say. This task was the +easier to one of our young gentleman's pliant disposition, because +the virtuoso's behaviour was absolutely free from that insolent +self-conceit, which he could not bear without disgust. The senior +was, on the contrary, mild and beneficent; and Pickle was rather +pleased than shocked at his weakness; because it flattered his +vanity with the supposition of his own superior sense. Cautioned +in this manner, Peregrine profited so much by his insinuating +qualifications, that, in a very little time, he was looked upon +as one of the chief favourites of the patron, to whom he dedicated +a small occasional poem; and everybody believed he would reap the +fruits of his attachment among the first of the old gentleman's +dependents. + + + + + +CHAPTER XCVI. + + + + +Peregrine, finding himself neglected by Sir Steady Steerwell, +expostulates with him in a Letter; in consequence of which he +is forbid his House, loses his Pension, and incurs the charge of +Lunacy. + + +This prospect of success, together with his expectations from the +minister, whom he did not neglect, helped to comfort him under the +reverse of fortune which he had undergone, and the uncertainty of +the lawsuit, which he still maintained for the recovery of his ten +thousand pounds. The lawyers, indeed, continued to drain his pocket +of money, while they filled his brain with unsubstantial hope; and +he was actually obliged to borrow money from his bookseller, on +the strength of the translation, in order to satisfy the demands +of those ravenous harpies, rather than lay the misanthrope under +any difficulties, or have recourse to his friend Hatchway, who +lived at the garrison, entirely ignorant of his distress. This was +not at all alleviated by the arrival of the Indiaman, in which he +had ventured seven hundred pounds, as we have already observed; for +he was given to understand, that the borrower was left dangerously +ill at Bombay when the ship sailed, and that his chance for retrieving +his money was extremely slender. + +So situated, it is not to be supposed that he led a life of +tranquility, though he made a shift to struggle with the remonstrances +of misfortune. Yet such a gush of affliction would sometimes rush +upon his thought, as overwhelmed all the ideas of his hope, and sunk +him to the very bottom of despondence. Every equipage that passed +him in the street, every person of rank and fortune that occurred +to his view, recalled the gay images of his former life, with such +mortifying reflection as stabbed him to the very soul. He lived, +therefore, incessantly exposed to all the pangs of envy and disquiet. +When I say envy, I do not mean that sordid passion, in consequence +of which a man repines at his neighbour's success, howsoever +deserved: but that self-tormenting indignation which is inspired +by the prosperity of folly, ignorance, and vice. Without the +intervening gleams of enjoyment, which he felt in the conversation +of a few friends, he could not have supported his existence; or, +at least, he must have suffered some violent discomposure of the +brain. But one is still finding some circumstance of alleviation, +even in the worst of conjunctures, and Pickle was so ingenious in +these researches, that he maintained a good battle with disappointment, +till the revolution of the term at which he had received his pension +of three hundred pounds. + +However, seeing the day elapse without touching his allowance, +notwithstanding his significant method of presenting himself at the +minister's levee, when the year was expired, he wrote a letter to +Sir Steady, reminding him of his situation and promise, and giving +him to understand, that his occasions were such as compelled him to +demand his salary for the ensuing year. In the morning after this +letter was conveyed, the author went to his honour's house, in +expectation of being admitted by particular order; but was mistaken +in his hope, the minister not being visible. He then made his +appearance at the levee, in hopes of being closeted; but, though +he took all opportunities of watching Sir Steady's eyes, he could +not obtain one glance, and had the pleasure of seeing him retire, +without being favoured with the least notice. These circumstances +of wilful neglect were not over and above agreeable to our young +hero, who, in the agonies of vexation and resentment, went home, +and composed a most acrimonious remonstrance to his honour; in +consequence of which he was not only deprived of all pretensions +to a private audience, but expressly denied admittance on a public +day, by Sir Steady's own order. + +This prohibition, which announced his total ruin, filled him with +rage, horror, and despair. He insulted the porter who signified +the minister's command, threatening to chastise him upon the spot +for his presumption, and vented the most virulent imprecations +upon his master, to the astonishment of those who chanced to enter +during this conference. Having exhausted himself in these vain +exclamations, he returned to his lodgings in a most frantic condition, +biting his lips so that the blood ran from his mouth, dashing his +head and fists against the sides of his chimney, and weeping with +the most bitter expressions of woe. Pipes, whose perception had +been just sufficient to let him see that there was some difference +between the present and former situation of his master, overhearing +his transports, essayed to enter his apartment, with a view +of administering consolation; and, finding the door locked on the +inside, desired admittance, protesting, that otherwise he would +down with the bulkhead in the turning of a handspike. Peregrine +ordered him to retire, on pain of his displeasure, and swore, that +if he should offer to break open the door, he would instantly shoot +him through the head. Tom, without paying the least regard to this +injunction, set himself at work immediately. His master, exasperated +at his want of reverence and respect, which in his present paroxysm +appeared with the most provoking aggravation, flew into his closet, +and snatching up one of his pistols already loaded, no sooner saw +his valet enter the apartment, in consequence of having forced the +lock, than he presented it full at his face, and drew the trigger. +Happily the priming flashed in the pan, without communicating with +the charge; so that his furious purpose did not take effect upon +the countenance of honest Pipes, who, disregardful of the attempt, +though he knew the contents of the piece, asked, without the least +alteration of feature, if it must be foul weather through the whole +voyage. + +Peregrine, mad as he was, repented of his mischievous intent +against such a faithful adherent, in the very moment of execution; +and had it proved fatal, according to the design, in all probability +he would have applied another to his own head. There are certain +considerations that strike upon the mind with irresistible force, +even in the midst of its distraction; the momentary recollection +of some particular scene, occasioned by the features of the devoted +victim, hath often struck the dagger from the assassin's hand. By +such an impulse was Pipes protected from any repeated effort of +his master's rage; the friendly cause of his present disobedience +flashed upon the conviction of Peregrine, when he beheld the rugged +front of his valet, in which also stood disclosed his long and +faithful service together with the recommendation of the deceased +commodore. Though his wrath was immediately suppressed, and his +heart torn with remorse for what he had done, his brows remained +still contracted, and darting a most ferocious regard at the intruder, +"Villain!" said he, "how dare you treat me with such disrespect?" + +"Why shouldn't I lend a hand for the preservation of the ship," +answered the unruffled Pipes, "when there is more sail than ballast +aboard, and the pilot quits the helm in despair? What signifies +one or two broken voyages, so long as our timbers are strong, and +our vessel in good trim? If she loses upon one tack, mayhap she may +gain upon t'other; and I'll be d--d, if one day or other we don't +fetch up our leeway. As for the matter of provision, you have started +a pretty good stock of money into my hold, and you are welcome to +hoist it up again when you wool." + +Here Tom was interrupted by the arrival of Mr. Crabtree, who seeing +Peregrine with a pistol in his hand, and such wild disorder in +his looks, his head, hands, and mouth besmeared with blood, and, +moreover, smelling the gunpowder which had been burnt, actually +believed he had either committed, or was bent upon murder, and +accordingly retreated down-stairs with infinite despatch. All his +speed could not convey him without the reach of Pipes, who, overtaking +him in his passage, carried him back into his master's apartment, +observing by the way, that this was no time to sheer off, when his +consort stood in need of his assistance. + +There was something so ruefully severe in the countenance +of Cadwallader, thus compelled, that, at any other time, our hero +would have laughed at his concern; but at the present there was +nothing risible in his disposition. He had, however, laid aside his +pistol, and endeavoured, though in vain, to compose his internal +disturbance; for he could not utter one syllable to the misanthrope, +but stood staring at him in silence, with a most delirious aspect. +This did not tend to dispel the dismay of his friend, who, after +some recollection, "I wonder," said he, "that you have never killed +your man before. Pray how may you have disposed of the body?" Pickle +having recovered the faculty of speech, ordered his lacquey out of +the room, and, in a most incoherent detail, made Crabtree acquainted +with the perfidious conduct of the minister. + +The confidant was very glad to find his fears disappointed; for he +had really concluded that some life was lost. Perceiving the youth +too much agitated to be treated by him in his usual style, he owned +that Sir Steady was a rascal, and encouraged Pickle with the hope +of being one day able to make reprisals upon him; in the mean time +offered him money for his immediate occasions, exhorted him to exert +his own qualifications in rendering himself independent of such +miscreants, and finally counselled him to represent his wrongs to +the nobleman whom he had formerly obliged, with a view of interesting +that peer in his behalf or at least of obtaining a satisfactory +explanation from the minister, that he might take no premature +measures of revenge. + +These admonitions were so much milder and more agreeable than our +hero expected from the misanthrope, that they had a very favourable +effect upon his transports, which gradually subsided, until +he became so tractable as to promise that he would conform to his +advice; in consequence of which, he next morning waited upon his +lordship, who received him very politely, as usual, and with great +patience heard his complaint, which, by the bye, he could not repeat +without some hasty ebullitions of passionate resentment. This peer, +after having gently disapproved of the letter of expostulation, +which had produced such unfortunate effects, kindly undertook +to recommend his case to the minister, and actually performed his +promise that same day, when Sir Steady informed him, to his utter +astonishment, that the poor young gentleman was disordered in his +brain, so that he could not possibly be provided for in a place +of importance, with any regard to the service; and it could not be +expected that he (Sir Steady) would support his extravagance from +his own private purse; that he had, indeed at the solicitation of +a nobleman deceased, made him a present of three hundred pounds, +in consideration of some loss that he pretended to have sustained +in an election; but, since that time, had perceived in him such +indisputable marks of lunacy, both by his distracted letters and +personal behaviour, as obliged him to give order that he should +not be admitted into the house. To corroborate this assertion, the +minister actually called in the evidence of his own porter, and one +of the gentlemen of his household, who had heard the execrations +that escaped our youth, when he first found himself excluded. In +short, the nobleman was convinced that Peregrine was certainly and +bona fide mad as a March hare; and, by the help of this intimation, +began to recollect some symptoms of distraction which appeared in +his last visit; he remembered a certain incoherence in his speech, +a violence of gesture and wildness of look, that now evidently +denoted a disturbed understanding; and he determined, for his own +credit and security, to disentangle himself from such a dangerous +acquaintance. + +With this view, he, in imitation of Sir Steady, commanded his gate +to be shut against our adventurer; so that, when he went to know +the result of his lordship's conference with the minister, the door +was flung in his face, and the janitor told him through an iron +grate, that he needed not to give himself the trouble of calling +again, for his lord desired to be excused from seeing him. He spoke +not a word in answer to this declaration, which he immediately +imputed to the ill offices of the minister, against whom he breathed +defiance and revenge, in his way to the lodgings of Cadwallader; +who, being made acquainted with the manner of his reception, begged +he would desist from all schemes of vengeance, until he, Crabtree, +should be able to unriddle the mystery of the whole, which he did +not doubt of unveiling by means of his acquaintance with a family +in which his lordship often spent the evening at whist. + +It was not long before he had the desired opportunity: the nobleman +being under no injunctions or obligation to keep the affair secret, +discovered the young gentleman's misfortune, by way of news, to +the first company in which he happened to be; and Peregrine's name +was not so obscure in the fashionable world, but that his disorder +became the general topic of conversation for a day; so that his +friend soon partook of the intelligence, and found means to learn +the particulars of the minister's information, as above related. +Nay, he was in danger of becoming a proselyte to Sir Steady's +opinion, when he recalled and compared every circumstance which he +knew of Pickle's impatience and impetuosity. Indeed, nothing more +easily gains credit than an imputation of madness fixed upon any +person whatsoever: for when the suspicion of the world is roused, +and its observation once set at work, the wisest, the coolest man +upon earth, will, by some particulars in his behaviour, convict +himself of the charge: every singularity in his dress and manner (and +such are observable in every person), that before passed unheeded, +now rises up in judgment against him, with all the exaggeration +of the observer's fancy; and the sagacious examiner perceives +distraction in every glance of the eye, turn of the finger, and +motion of the head. When he speaks, there is a strange peculiarity +in his argument and expression; when he holds his tongue, his +imagination teems with some extravagant reverie; his sobriety of +demeanour is no other than a lucid interval, and his passion mere +delirium. + +If people of the most sedate and insipid life and conversation are +subject to such criticisms, no wonder that they should take place +upon a youth of Peregrine's fiery disposition, which, on some +occasions, would have actually justified any remarks of this kind, +which his greatest enemies could make. He was accordingly represented +as one of those enterprising bucks, who, after having spent their +fortunes in riot and excess, are happily bereft of their understanding, +and consequently insensible of the want and disgrace which they have +entailed upon themselves, Cadwallader himself was so much affected +with the report, that for some time he hesitated in his deliberations +upon our hero, before he could prevail upon himself to communicate +to him the information he had received, or to treat him in +other respects as a man of sound intellects. At length, however, +he ventured to make Pickle acquainted with the particulars he had +learned, imparting them with such caution and circumlocution, as he +thought necessary to prevent the young gentleman from transgressing +all bounds of temper and moderation; but, for once, he was agreeably +deceived in his prognostic. Incensed as our hero was at the conduct +of the minister, he could not help laughing at the ridiculous +aspersion, which he told his friend he would soon refute in a manner +that should not be very agreeable to his calumniator, observing, +that it was a common practice with the state pilot, thus to slander +those people to whom he lay under obligations which he had no mind +to discharge. "True it is," said Peregrine "he has succeeded more +than once in contrivances of this kind, having actually reduced divers +people of weak heads to such extremity of despair, as hath issued +in downright distraction, whereby he was rid of their importunities, +and his judgment confirmed at the same time. But I have now, thank +Heaven, attained to such a pitch of philosophical resolution, as +will support me against all his machinations; and I will forthwith +exhibit the monster to the public, in his true lineaments of craft, +perfidy, and ingratitude." + +This indeed was the plan with which Mr. Pickle had amused himself +during the researches of Crabtree; and by this time it so effectually +flattered his imagination, that he believed he should be able to +bring his adversary, in spite of all his power, to his own terms +of submission, by distinguishing himself in the list of those who, +at that period, wrote against the administration. Nor was this +scheme so extravagant as it may seem to be, had not he overlooked +one material circumstance, which Cadwallader himself did not +recollect, when he approved of this project. + +While he thus meditated vengeance, the fame of his disorder, in due +course of circulation, reached the ears of that lady of quality +whose memoirs have already appeared in these adventures. The +correspondence with which she had honoured our hero had been long +broke off for the reason already advanced, namely, his dread of +being exposed to her infatuating charms. He had been candid enough +to make her acquainted with the cause of exiling himself from her +presence; and she admitted the prudence of self-restraint, although +she would have very well satisfied with the continuance of his +intimacy and conversation, which were not at all beneath the desire +of any lady in the kingdom. Notwithstanding this interruption, she +still retained a friendship and regard for his character, and felt +all the affliction of a humane heart, at the news of his misfortunes +and deplorable distemper. She had seen him courted and cultivated +in the sunshine of his prosperity; but she knew, from sad experience, +how all those insect-followers shrink away in the winter of distress. +Her compassion represented him as a poor unhappy lunatic, destitute +of all the necessaries of life, dragging about the ruins of human +nature, and exhibiting the spectacle of blasted youth to the scorn +and abhorrence of his fellow-creatures. Aching with these charitable +considerations, she found means to learn in what part of the town +he lodged and, laying aside all superfluous ceremony, went in a +hackney-chair to his door, which was opened by the ever-faithful +Pipes. + +Her ladyship immediately recollected the features of his trusty +follower, whom she could not help loving in her heart for his +attachment and fidelity, which after she had applauded with a most +gracious commendation, she kindly inquired after the state of his +master's health, and asked if he was in a condition to be seen. +Tom, who could not suppose that the visit of a fine lady would be +unacceptable to a youth of Peregrine's complexion, made no verbal +reply to the question; but beckoning her ladyship with an arch +significance of feature, at which she could not forbear smiling, +walked softly up-stairs; and she, in obedience to the signal, +followed her guide into the apartment of our hero, whom she found +at a writing-table, in the very act of composing a eulogium upon +his good friend Sir Steady. The nature of his work had animated his +countenance with an uncommon degree of vivacity; and being dressed +in a neat deshabille, his figure could not have appeared to +more advantage in the eye of a person who despised the tinsel of +unnecessary ornament. She was extremely well pleased to see her +expectations so agreeably disappointed; for, instead of the squalid +circumstances and wretched looks attending indigence and distraction, +everything was decent and genteel; and the patient's aspect such +as betokened internal satisfaction. Hearing the rustling of silk +in his room, he lifted up his eyes from the paper, and, seeing her +ladyship, was struck with astonishment and awe, as at the unexpected +apparition of some supernatural being. + +Before he could recollect himself from his confusion, which called +the blood into his cheeks, she told him that, on the strength of +old acquaintance, she was come to visit him, though it was a long +time since he had given her good reason to believe he had absolutely +forgot that there was such a person as she in being. After having +made the most warm acknowledgments for this unforeseen honour, he +assured her ladyship that the subject of her reproach was not his +fault, but rather his very great misfortune; and that, if it had +been in his power to forget her so easily as she seemed to imagine, +he should never have given her cause to tax him with want of duty +and respect. + +Still dubious of his situation, she began to converse with him +on different subjects; and he acquitted himself so well in every +particular, that she no longer doubted his having been misrepresented +by the malice of his enemies, and candidly told him the cause +and intent of her coming. He was not deficient in expressions of +gratitude for this instance of her generosity and friendship, which +even drew tears from his eyes. As to the imputation of madness, +he explained it so much to her ladyship's satisfaction, that she +evidently perceived he had been barbarously dealt with, and that the +charge was no other than a most villainous aspersion. Notwithstanding +all his endeavours to conceal the true state of his finances, it +was impossible for him to give this detail, without disclosing some +of the difficulties under which he laboured; and, her ladyship's +sagacity divining the rest, she not only made him a tender of +assistance, but, presenting a bank-note for a considerable sum, +insisted upon his acceptance of it as a trifling mark of her esteem, +and a specimen of what she was inclined to do in his behalf. But +this mark of her benevolence he would by no means receive; assuring +her, that, though his affairs were at present a little perplexed, +he had never felt the least circumstance of distress, and begging +that she would not subject him to the burden of such an unnecessary +obligation. + +Being obliged to put up with this refusal she protested she would +never forgive him should she ever hear that he rejected her offer +when he stood in need of her aid; or if, in any time to come, he +should not apply to her friendship, if ever he should find himself +incommoded in point of fortune. "An overdelicacy in this respect," +said she, "I shall look upon as a disapprobation of my own conduct; +because I myself have been obliged to have recourse to my friends +in such emergencies." These generous remonstrances and marks of +particular friendship could not fail to make a deep impression upon +the heart of our hero, which still smarted from the former impulse +of her charms; he not only felt all those transports which a man +of honour and sensibility may be supposed to feel upon such an +occasion, but the sentiments of a more tender passion awaking in +his breast, he could not help expressing himself in terms adapted +to the emotion of his soul; and, at length, plainly told her, +that, were he disposed to be a beggar, he would ask something of +infinitely more importance to his peace than the charitable assistance +she had proffered. Her ladyship had too much penetration to mistake +his meaning; but, as she did not choose to encourage his advances, +pretended to interpret his intimation into a general compliment of +gallantry, and, in a jocose manner, desired he would not give her +any reason to believe his lucid interval was past. "In faith, my +lady," said he, "I perceive the fit coming on; and I don't see why +I may not use the privilege of my distemper, so far as to declare +myself one of your most passionate admirers."--" If you do," replied +her ladyship, "I shall not be fool enough to believe a madman, +unless I were assured that your disorder proceeded from your love; +and that this was the case, I suppose you will find it difficult +to prove."--"Nay, madam," cried the youth, "I have in this drawer +what will convince you of my having been mad on that strain; and, +since you doubt my pretension, you must give me leave to produce +my testimonials." So saying, he opened an escrutoire, and taking +out a paper, presented her with the following song, which he had +written in her praise, immediately after he was made acquainted +with the particulars of her story: + + I. + While with fond rapture and amaze, + On thy transcendent charms I gaze, + My cautious soul essays in vain + Her peace and freedom to maintain; + yet let that blooming form divine, + Where grace and harmony combine; + Those eyes, like genial orbs that move, + Dispensing gladness, joy, and love; + in all their pomp assail my view, + Intent my bosom to subdue; + My breast, by wary maxims steel'd, + Not all those charms shall force to yield. + + II. + But, when invok'd to Beauty's aid, + I see the enlighten'd soul display'd, + That soul so sensibly sedate + Amid the storms of froward fate! + Thy genius active, strong, and clear, + Thy wit sublime, though not severe, + The social ardour, void of art, + That glows within thy candid heart; + My spirits, sense, and strength decay, + My resolution dies away, + And, every faculty oppress'd, + Almighty love invades my breast! + +Her ladyship having perused this production, "Were I inclined to +be suspicious," said she, "I should believe that I had no share in +producing this composition, which seems to have been inspired by a +much more amiable object. However, I will take your word for your +intention, and thank you for the unmerited compliment, though I have +met with it in such an accidental manner. Nevertheless, I must be +so free as to tell you, it is now high time for you to contract +that unbounded spirit of gallantry, which you have indulged so +long, into a sincere attachment for the fair Emilia, who, by all +accounts, deserves the whole of your attention and regard." His nerves +thrilled at mention of that name, which he never heard pronounced +without agitation. Rather than undergo the consequence of a conversation +upon this subject, he chose to drop the theme of love altogether, +and industriously introduced some other topic of discourse. + + + + + +CHAPTER XCVII. + + + + +He writes against the Minister, by whose Instigation he is arrested, +and moves himself by habeas corpus into the Fleet. + + +My lady having prolonged her stay beyond the period of a common +visit, and repeated her protestations in the most frank and +obliging manner, took her leave of our adventurer, who promised to +pay his respects to her in a few days at her own house. Meanwhile, +he resumed his task; and having finished a most severe remonstrance +against Sir Steady, not only with regard to his private ingratitude, +but also to his maladministration of public affairs, he sent it to +the author of a weekly paper, who had been long a professed reformer +in politics, and it appeared in a very few days, with a note of +the publisher, desiring the favour of further correspondence with +the author. + +The animadversions contained in this small essay were so spirited +and judicious, and a great many new lights thrown upon the subject +with such perspicuity, as attracted the notice of the public in +an extraordinary manner, and helped to raise the character of the +paper in which it was inserted. The minister was not the last who +examined the performance, which, in spite of all his boasted temper, +provoked him to such a degree, that he set his emissaries at work, +and by dint of corruption, procured a sight of the manuscript +in Peregrine's own handwriting, which he immediately recognised; +but, for further confirmation of his opinion, he compared it with +the two letters which he had received from our adventurer. Had he +known the young gentleman's talents for declamation were so acute, +perhaps he would never have given him cause to complain, but +employed him in the vindication of his own measures; nay, he might +still have treated him like some other authors whom he had brought +over from the opposition, had not the keenness of this first assault +incensed him to a desire of revenge. He, therefore, no sooner made +this discovery, than he conveyed his directions to his dependent, +the receiver-general, who was possessed of Pickle's notes. Next +day, while our author stood within a circle of his acquaintance, at +a certain coffee-house, holding forth with great eloquence upon the +diseases of the state, he was accosted by a bailiff, who, entering +the room with five or six followers, told him aloud that he had +a writ against him for twelve hundred pounds, at the suit of Mr. +Ravage Gleanum. + +The whole company were astonished at this address, which did not fail +to discompose the defendant himself, who, as it were instinctively, +in the midst of his confusion, saluted the officer across the head +with his cane; in consequence of which application, he was surrounded +and disarmed in an instant by the gang, who carried him off to the +next tavern in the most opprobrious manner. Nor did one of the +spectators interpose in his behalf, or visit him in his confinement +with the least tender of advice or assistance; such is the zeal of +coffee-house friendship. This stroke was the more severe upon our +hero, as it was altogether unexpected; for he had utterly forgot +the debt for which he was arrested. His present indignation was, +however, chiefly kindled against the bailiff, who had done his +office in such a disrespectful manner; and the first use he made +of his recollection in the house to which they conducted him, was +to chastise him for the insolence and indecency of his behaviour. +This task he performed with his bare fists, every other weapon being +previously conveyed out of his reach; and the delinquent underwent +his discipline with surprising patience and resignation, asking +pardon with great humility, and protesting before God, that he had +never willingly and wittingly used any gentleman with ill manners, +but had been commanded to arrest our adventurer according to the +express direction of the creditor, on pain of forfeiting his place. + +By this declaration Peregrine was appeased, and, out of a delirium +of passion, waked to all the horrors of reflection. All the glory +of his youth was now eclipsed, all the blossoms of his hope were +blasted, and he saw himself doomed to the miseries of a jail, +without the least prospect of enlargement, except in the issue of +his lawsuit, of which he had, for some time past, grown less and +less confident every day. What would become of the unfortunate, +if the constitution of the mind did not permit them to bring one +passion into the field against another? passions that operate in +the human breast, like poisons of a different nature, extinguishing +each other's effect. Our hero's grief reigned in full despotism, +until it was deposed by revenge, during the predominancy of which +he considered everything which had happened as a circumstance +conducive to its gratification. "If I must be prisoner for life," +said he to himself, "if I must relinquish all my gay expectations, +let me at least have the satisfaction of clanking my chains so as +to interrupt the repose of my adversary; and let me search in my +own breast for that peace and contentment, which I have not been +able to find in all the scenes of my success. In being detached +from the world, I shall be delivered from folly and ingratitude, +as well as exempted from an expense, which I should have found +it very difficult, if not impracticable, to support; I shall have +little or no temptation to misspend my time, and more undisturbed +opportunity to earn my subsistence, and prosecute revenge. After +all, a jail is the best tub to which a cynic philosopher can retire." + +In consequence of these comfortable reflections, he sent a letter +to Mr. Crabtree, with an account of his misfortune, signifying +his resolution to move himself immediately into the Fleet, and +desiring that he would send him some understanding attorney of his +acquaintance, who would direct him into the steps necessary to be +taken for that purpose. The misanthrope, upon the receipt of this +intimation, sent in person to a lawyer, whom he accompanied to +the spunging-house whither the prisoner had by this time retired. +Peregrine was, under the auspices of his director, conducted to +the judges' chamber, where he was left in the custody of a tipstaff; +and, after having paid for a warrant of habeas corpus, by him +conveyed to the Fleet, and delivered to the care of the warden. + +Here he was introduced to the lodge, in which he was obliged to +expose himself a full half-hour to the eyes of all the turnkeys +and door-keepers, who took an accurate survey of his person, that +they might know him again at first sight; and then he was turned +loose into the place called the master's side, having given a +valuable consideration for that privilege. This is a large range +of building, containing some hundreds of lodging-rooms for the +convenience of the prisoners, who pay so much per week for that +accommodation. In short, this community is like a city detached +from all communication with the neighbouring parts, regulated by +its own laws, and furnished with peculiar conveniences for the use +of the inhabitants. There is a coffee-house for the resort of +gentlemen, in which all sorts of liquors are kept, and a public +kitchen, where any quantity of meat is sold at a very reasonable +rate, or any kind of provision boiled and roasted gratis, for the +poor prisoners. Nay, there are certain servants of the public, +who are obliged to go to market, at the pleasure of individuals, +without fee or reward from those who employ them. Nor are they +cooped up, so as to be excluded from the benefit of fresh air, +there being an open area, of a considerable extent, adjacent to +the building, on which they may exercise themselves in walking, +skittles, bowls, and a variety of other diversions, according to +the inclination of each. + +Our adventurer being admitted a denizen of this community, +found himself bewildered in the midst of strangers, who, by their +appearance, did not at all prepossess him in their favour; and, +after having strolled about the place with his friend Cadwallader, +repaired to the coffee-house, in order to be further informed of +the peculiar customs which it was necessary for him to know. There, +while he endeavoured to pick up intelligence from the bar-keeper, +he was accosted by a person in canonicals, who very civilly asked +if he was a new-comer. Being answered in the affirmative, he gave +him the salutation of welcome to the society, and, with great +hospitality, undertook to initiate him in the constitutions of the +brotherhood. This humane clergyman gave him to understand, that +his first care ought to be that of securing a lodging; telling +him there was a certain number of apartments in the prison let at +the same price, though some were more commodious than others; and +that when the better sort became vacant, by the removal of their +possessors, those who succeeded in point of seniority had the +privilege of occupying the empty tenements preferable to the rest +of the inhabitants, howsoever respectable they might otherwise +be. That, when the jail was very much crowded, there was but one +chamber allotted for two lodgers; but this was not considered as +any great hardship on the prisoners; because, in that case, there +was always a sufficient number of males, who willingly admitted +the females to a share in their apartments and beds. Not but the +time had been, when this expedient would not answer the occasion; +because, after a couple had been quartered in every room, there +was a considerable residue still unprovided with lodging; so that, +for the time being, the last-comers were obliged to take up their +habitation in Mount Scoundrel, an apartment most miserably furnished, +in which they lay promiscuously, amidst filth and vermin, until +they could be better accommodated in due course of rotation. + +Peregrine, hearing the description of this place, began to be very +impatient about his night's lodging; and the parson, perceiving +his anxiety, conducted him, without loss of time, to the warden, +who forthwith put him in possession of a paltry chamber, for which +he agreed to pay half a crown a week. This point being settled, his +director gave him an account of the different methods of eating, +either singly, in a mess, or at an ordinary, and advised him to +choose the last, as the most reputable, offering to introduce him +next day to the best company in the Fleet, who always dined together +in public. + +Pickle having thanked this gentleman for his civilities, and promised +to be governed by his advice, invited him to pass the evening at +his apartment; and, in the meantime, shut himself up with Crabtree, +in order to deliberate upon the wreck of his affairs. Of all his +ample fortune nothing now remained but his wardrobe, which was not +very sumptuous, about thirty guineas in cash, and the garrison, +which the misanthrope counselled him to convert into ready money +for his present subsistence. This advice, however, he absolutely +rejected, not only on account of his having already bestowed it +upon Hatchway during the term of his natural life, but also with +a view of retaining some memorial of the commodore's generosity. +He proposed, therefore, to finish in this retreat the translation +which he had undertaken, and earn his future subsistence by labour +of the same kind. He desired Cadwallader to take charge of his +movables, and send to him such linen and clothes as he should have +occasion for in his confinement. But, among all his difficulties, +nothing embarrassed him so much as his faithful Pipes, whom he could +no longer entertain in his service. He knew Tom had made shift to +pick up a competency in the course of his ministration; but that +reflection, though it in some measure alleviated, could not wholly +prevent the mortification he should suffer in parting with an +affectionate adherent, who was by this time become as necessary to +him as one of his own members, and who was so accustomed to live +under his command and protection, that he did not believe the fellow +could reconcile himself to any other way of life. + +Crabtree, in order to make him easy on that score, offered to adopt +him in the room of his own valet, whom he would dismiss; though he +observed, that Pipes had been quite spoiled in our hero's service. +But Peregrine did not choose to lay his friend under that inconvenience, +knowing that his present lacquey understood and complied with all +the peculiarities of his humour, which Pipes would never be able +to study or regard; he therefore determined to send him back to +his shipmate Hatchway, with whom he had spent the fore part of his +life. These points being adjusted, the two friends adjourned to the +coffee-house, with a view of inquiring into the character of the +clergyman to whose beneficence our adventurer was so much indebted. +They learned he was a person who had incurred the displeasure of +the bishop in whose diocese he was settled, and, being unequal in +power to his antagonist, had been driven to the Fleet, in consequence +of his obstinate opposition; though he still found means to enjoy +a pretty considerable income, by certain irregular practices in the +way of his function, which income was chiefly consumed in acts of +humanity to his fellow-creatures in distress. + +His eulogium was scarce finished, when he entered the room, according +to appointment with Peregrine, who ordering wine and something +for supper to be carried to his apartment, the triumvirate went +thither; and Cadwallader taking his leave for the night, the two +fellow-prisoners passed the evening very sociably, our hero being +entertained by his new companion with a private history of the +place, some particulars of which were extremely curious. He told +him, that the person who attended them at supper, bowing with the +most abject servility, and worshipping them every time he opened +his mouth, with the epithets of your lordship and your honour, had, +a few years before, been actually a captain in the guards; who, +after having run his career in the great world, had threaded every +station in their community, from that of a buck of the first order, +who swaggers about the Fleet in a laced coat, with a footman and +w--, to the degree of a tapster, in which he was now happily settled. +"If you will take the trouble of going into the cook's kitchen," +said he, "you will perceive a beau metamorphosed into a turnspit; +and there are some hewers of wood and drawers of water in this +microcosm who have had forests and fishponds of their own. Yet, +notwithstanding such a miserable reverse of fortune, they are +neither objects of regard nor compassion, because their misfortunes +are the fruits of the most vicious extravagance, and they are +absolutely insensible of the misery which is their lot. Those of +our fellow-sufferers, who have been reduced by undeserved losses, +or the precipitation of inexperienced youth, never fail to meet with +the most brotherly assistance, provided they behave with decorum, +and a due sense of their unhappy circumstances. Nor are we destitute +of power to chastise the licentious, who refuse to comply with the +regulations of the place, and disturb the peace of the community +with riot and disorder. justice is here impartially administered +by a court of equity, consisting of a select number of the +most respectable inhabitants, who punish all offenders with equal +judgment and resolution, after they have been fairly convicted of +the crimes laid to their charge." + +The clergyman having thus explained the economy of the place, as +well as the cause of his own confinement, began to discover signs +of curiosity touching our hero's situation; and Pickle, thinking +he could do no less for the satisfaction of a man who had treated +him in such a hospitable manner, favoured him with a detail of the +circumstances which produced his imprisonment; at the same time +gratifying his resentment against the minister, which delighted in +recapitulating the injuries he had received. The parson, who had been +prepossessed in favour of our youth at first sight, understanding +what a considerable part he had acted on the stage of life, felt +his veneration increase; and, pleased with the opportunity of +introducing a stranger of his consequence to the club, left him to +his repose, or rather to ruminate on an event which he had not as +yet seriously considered. + +I might here, in imitation of some celebrated writers, furnish out +a page or two, with the reflections he made upon the instability +of human affairs, the treachery of the world, and the temerity +of youth; and endeavour to decoy the reader into a smile, by some +quaint observation of my own, touching the sagacious moraliser: +but, besides that I look upon this practice as an impertinent +anticipation of the peruser's thoughts, I have too much matter of +importance upon my hands, to give the reader the least reason to +believe that I am driven to such paltry shifts, in order to eke out +the volume. Suffice it then to say, our adventurer passed a very +uneasy night, not only from the thorny suggestions of his mind, +but likewise from the anguish of his body, which suffered from +the hardness of his couch, as well as from the natural inhabitants +thereof, that did not tamely suffer his intrusion. In the morning +he was waked by Pipes, who brought upon his shoulder a portmanteau +filled with necessaries, according to the direction of Cadwallader; +and, tossing it down upon the floor, regaled himself with a quid, +without the least manifestation of concern. After some pause, "You +see, Pipes," said his master, "to what I have brought myself." "Ey, +ey," answered the valet, "once the vessel is ashore, what signifies +talking? We must bear a hand to tow her off, if we can. If she +won't budge for all the anchors and capstans aboard, after we have +lightened her, by cutting away her masts, and heaving our guns and +cargo overboard, why then, mayhap a brisk gale of wind, a tide, or +current setting from shore, may float her again in the blast of a +whistle. Here is two hundred and ten guineas by the tale in this +here canvas bag; and upon this scrap of paper--no, avast--that's +my discharge from the parish for Moll Trundle--ey, here it is--an +order for thirty pounds upon the what-d'ye-call-'em in the city; +and two tickets for twenty-five and eighteen, which I lent, d'ye +see, to Sam Studding to buy a cargo of rum, when he hoisted the +sign of the commodore at St. Catherine's." So saying, he spread his +whole stock upon the table for the acceptance of Peregrine; who, +being very much affected with this fresh instance of his attachment, +expressed his satisfaction at seeing he had been such a good +economist, and paid his wages up to that very day. He thanked him +for his faithful services, and, observing that he himself was no +longer in a condition to maintain a domestic, advised him to retire +to the garrison, where he would be kindly received by his friend +Hatchway, to whom he would recommend him in the strongest terms. + +Pipes looked blank at this unexpected intimation, to which he +replied, that he wanted neither pay nor provision, but only to be +employed as a tender; and that he would not steer his course for +the garrison, unless his master would first take his lumber aboard. +Pickle, however, peremptorily refused to touch a farthing of the +money, which he commanded him to put up, and Pipes was so mortified +at his refusal, that, twisting the notes together, he threw them +into the fire without hesitation, crying, "D-- the money!" The +canvas bag with its contents would have shared the same fate, had +not Peregrine started up, and snatching the paper from the flames, +ordered his valet to forbear, on pain of being banished for ever +from his sight. He told him that, for the present, there was a +necessity for his being dismissed, and he discharged him accordingly; +but, if he would go and live quietly with the lieutenant, he +promised, on the first favourable turn of his fortune, to take him +again into his service. In the meantime he gave him to understand, +that he neither wanted, nor would make use of his money, which he +insisted upon his pocketing immediately, on pain of forfeiting all +title to his favour. + +Pipes was very much chagrined at these injunctions, to which +he made no reply; but, sweeping the money into his bag, stalked +off in silence, with a look of grief and mortification, which his +countenance had never exhibited before. Nor was the proud heart +of Pickle unmoved upon the occasion; he could scarce suppress his +sorrow in the presence of Pipes, and, soon as he was gone, it vented +itself in tears. + +Having no great pleasure in conversing with his own thoughts, he +dressed himself with all convenient despatch, being attended by +one of the occasional valets of the place, who had formerly been +a rich mercer in the city; and, this operation being performed, +he went to breakfast at the coffee-house, where he happened to +meet with his friend the clergyman and several persons of genteel +appearance, to whom the doctor introduced him as a new messmate. +By these gentlemen he was conducted to a place where they spent the +forenoon in playing at fives, an exercise in which our hero took +singular delight; and about one o'clock a court was held, for the +trial of two delinquents, who had transgressed the laws of honesty +and good order. The first who appeared at the bar was an attorney, +accused of having picked a gentleman's pocket of his handkerchief. +And the fact being proved by incontestable evidence, he received +sentence. In consequence of which, he was immediately carried to +the public pump, and subjected to a severe cascade of cold water. +This cause being discussed, they proceeded to the trial of the +other offender, who was a lieutenant of a man-of-war, indicted for +a riot, which he had committed in company with a female, not yet taken, +against the laws of the place, and the peace of his fellow-prisoners. +The culprit had been very obstreperous, and absolutely refused to +obey the summons, with many expressions of contempt and defiance +against the authority of the court; upon which the constables were +ordered to bring him to the bar, vi et armis; and he was accordingly +brought before the judge, after having made a most desperate resistance +with a hanger, by which one of the officers was dangerously wounded. +This outrage was such an aggravation of his crime, that the court +would not venture to decide upon it, but remitted him to the +sentence of the warden; who, by virtue of his dictatorial power, +ordered the rioter to be loaded with irons, and confined in the +strong room, which is a dismal dungeon, situated upon the side of +the ditch, infested with toads and vermin, surcharged with noisome +damps, and impervious to the least ray of light. + +Justice being done upon these criminals, our adventurer and his +company adjourned to the ordinary, which was kept at the coffee-house; +and he found, upon inquiry, that his messmates consisted of +one officer, two underwriters, three projectors, an alchemist, an +attorney, a parson, a brace of poets, a baronet, and a knight of the +Bath. The dinner, though not sumptuous, nor very elegantly served +up, was nevertheless substantial, and pretty well dressed. The wine +was tolerable, and all the guests as cheerful as if they had been +utter strangers to calamity; so that our adventurer began to relish +the company, and mix in the conversation, with that sprightliness +and ease which were peculiar to his disposition. The repast being +ended, the reckoning paid, and part of the gentlemen withdrawn to +cards, or other avocations, those who remained, among whom Peregrine +made one, agreed to spend the afternoon in conversation over a bowl +of punch; and the liquor being produced, they passed the time very +socially in various topics of discourse, including many curious +anecdotes relating to their own affairs. No man scrupled to own the +nature of the debt for which he was confined, unless it happened +to be some piddling affair, but, on the contrary, boasted of the +importance of the sum, as a circumstance that implied his having +been a person of consequence in life; and he who made the most +remarkable escapes from bailiffs, was looked upon as a man of +superior genius and address. + +Among other extraordinary adventures of this kind, none was more +romantic than the last elopement achieved by the officer; who told +them he had been arrested for a debt of two hundred pounds, at a +time when he could not command as many pence, and conveyed to the +bailiff's house, in which he continued a whole fortnight, moving +his lodgings higher and higher, from time to time, in proportion +to the decay of his credit; until, from the parlour, he had made +a regular ascent to the garret. There, while he ruminated on his +next step, which would have been to the Marshalsea, and saw the +night come on, attended with hunger and cold, the wind began to blow, +and the tiles of the house rattled with the storm. His imagination +was immediately struck with the idea of escaping unperceived, +amidst the darkness and noise of the tempest, by creeping out of +the window of his apartment, and making his way over the tops of +the adjoining houses. Glowing with this prospect, he examined the +passage, which, to his infinite mortification, he found grated with +iron bars on the outside; but even this difficulty did not divert +him from his purpose. Conscious of his own strength, he believed +himself able to make a hole through the roof, which seemed to be +slender and crazy; and, on this supposition, he barricaded the door +with the whole furniture of the room; then setting himself to work +with a poker, he in a few minutes effected a passage for his hand, +with which he gradually stripped off the boards and tiling, so as +to open a sallyport for his whole body, through which he fairly +set himself free, groping his way towards the next tenement. Here, +however, he met with an unlucky accident. His hat being blown off +his head, chanced to fall into the court just as one of the bailiff's +followers was knocking at the door; and this myrmidon, recognizing +it, immediately gave the alarm to his chief, who, running up-stairs +to the garret, forced open the door in a twinkling, notwithstanding +the precautions which the prisoner had taken, and, with his attendant, +pursued the fugitive through his own track. "After this chase had +continued some time," said the officer, "to the imminent danger +of all three, I found my progress suddenly stopped by a skylight, +through which I perceived seven tailors sitting at work upon a +board. Without the least hesitation, or previous notice, I plunged +among them with my backside foremost. Before they could recollect +themselves from the consternation occasioned by such a strange +visit, I told them my situation, and gave them to understand that +there was no time to be lost. One of the number, taking the hint, +led me instantly down-stairs, and dismissed me at the street +door; while the bailiff and his follower, arriving at the breach, +were deterred from entering by the brethren of my deliverer, who, +presenting their shears, like a range of chevaux de frise, commanded +them to retire, on pain of immediate death. And the catchpole, rather +than risk his carcase, consented to discharge the debt, comforting +himself with the hope of making me prisoner again. There, however, +he was disappointed. I kept snug, and laughed at his escape-warrant, +until I was ordered abroad with the regiment, when I conveyed myself +in a hearse to Gravesend, where I embarked for Flanders; but, being +obliged to come over again on the recruiting service, I was nabbed +on another score. And all the satisfaction my first captor has been +able to obtain, is a writ of detainer, which, I believe, will fix +me in this place, until the parliament, in its great goodness, +shall think proper to discharge my debts by a new act of insolvency." + +Everybody owned, that the captain's success was equal to the +hardiness of his enterprise, which was altogether in the style of +a soldier; but one of the merchants observed, that he must have been +a bailiff of small experience, who would trust a prisoner of that +consequence in such an unguarded place. "If the captain," said he, +"had fallen into the hands of such a cunning rascal as the fellow +that arrested me, he would not have found it such an easy matter +to escape; for the manner in which I was caught is perhaps the most +extraordinary that ever was practised in these realms. You must +know, gentlemen, I suffered such losses by insuring vessels during +the war, that I was obliged to stop payment, though my expectations +were such as encouraged me to manage one branch of business, without +coming to an immediate composition with my creditors. and, in short, +I received consignments from abroad as usual, that I might not be +subject to the visits of those catchpoles, I never stirred abroad; +but, turning my first floor into a warehouse, ordered all my goods +to be hoisted up by a crane fixed to the upper story of my house. +Divers were the stratagems practised by those ingenious ferrets, +with a view of decoying me from the walls of my fortification. +I received innumerable messages from people, who wanted to see me +at certain taverns, upon particular business. I was summoned into +the country, to see my own mother, who was said to be at the point +of death. A gentlewoman, one night, was taken in labour on my +threshold. At another time I was disturbed with the cry of murder +in the street; and once I was alarmed by a false fire. But, being +still upon my guard, I baffled all their attempts, and thought myself +quite secure from their invention, when one of those bloodhounds, +inspired, I believe, by the devil himself, contrived a snare by +which I was at last entrapped. "He made it his business to inquire +into the particulars of my traffic; and, understanding that, among +other things, there were several chests of Florence entered at the +custom house on my behalf, he ordered himself to be enclosed in a +box of the same dimensions, with air-holes in the bottom, for the +benefit of breathing, and marked upon the cover; and, being conveyed +to my door in a cart, among other goods, was, in his turn, hoisted +up to my warehouse, where I stood with a hammer, in order to open +the chests, that I might compare the contents with the invoice. +You may guess my surprise and consternation, when, upon uncovering +the box, I saw a bailiff rearing up his head, like Lazarus from +the grave, and heard him declare that he had a writ against me for +a thousand pounds. Indeed, I aimed the hammer at his head, but, in +the hurry of my confusion, missed my mark; before I could repeat +the blow, he started up with great agility, and executed his office +in sight of several evidences whom he had assembled in the street +for that purpose; so that I could not possibly disentangle myself +from the toil without incurring an escape-warrant, from which I had +no protection. But, had I known the contents of the chest, by all +that's good! I would have ordered my porter to raise it up as high +as the crane would permit, and then have cut the rope by accident." + +"That expedient," said the knight with the red ribbon, "would have +discouraged him from such hazardous attempts for the future, and +would have been an example in terrorem of all his brethren. The +story puts me in mind of a deliverance achieved by Tom Hackabout, +a very stout, honest fellow, an old acquaintance of mine, who had +been so famous for maiming bailiffs, that another gentleman having +been ill-used at a spunging-house, no sooner obtained his liberty, +than, with a view of being revenged upon the landlord, he, for five +shillings, bought one of Tom's notes, which sold at a very large +discount, and, taking out a writ upon it, put it into the hands of +the bailiff who had used him ill. The catchpole, after a diligent +search, had an opportunity of executing the writ upon the defendant, +who, without ceremony, broke one of his arms, fractured his skull, +and belaboured him in such a manner, that he lay without sense or +motion on the spot. By such exploits, this hero became so formidable, +that no single bailiff would undertake to arrest him; so that he +appeared in all public places untouched. At length, however, several +officers of the Marshalsea court entered into a confederacy against +him; and two of the number, attended by three desperate followers, +ventured to arrest him one day in the Strand, near Hungerford-market. +He found it impossible to make resistance, because the whole gang +sprung upon him at once, like so many tigers, and pinioned his +arms so fast, that he could not wag a finger. Perceiving himself +fairly overpowered, he desired to be conducted forthwith to jail, +and was stowed in a boat accordingly; by the time they had reached +the middle of the river, he found means to overset the wherry +by accident, and every man, disregarding the prisoner, consulted +his own safety. As for Hackabout, to whom that element was quite +familiar, he mounted astride upon the keel of the boat, which +was uppermost, and exhorted the bailiffs to swim for their lives; +protesting before God, that they had no other chance to be saved. + +"The watermen were immediately taken up by some of their own +friends, who, far from yielding any assistance to the catchpoles, +kept aloof, and exulted in their calamity. In short, two of the +five went to the bottom, and never saw the light of God's sun, and +the other three, with great difficulty, saved themselves by laying +hold on the rudder of a dung-barge, to which they were carried by +the stream, while Tom, with great deliberation, swam across to the +Surrey shore. After this achievement, he was so much dreaded by the +whole fraternity, that they shivered at the very mention of his +name; and this character, which some people would think an advantage +to a man in debt, was the greatest misfortune that could possibly +happen to him; because no tradesman would give him credit for the +least trifle, on the supposition that he could not indemnify himself +in the common course of law." + +The parson did not approve of Mr. Hackabout's method of escaping, +which he considered as a very unchristian attempt upon the lives +of his fellow-subjects. "It is enough," said he, "that we elude +the laws of our country, without murdering the officers of justice. +For my own part, I can lay my hand upon my heart, and safely say, +that I forgive from my soul the fellow by whom I was made a prisoner, +although the circumstances of his behaviour were treacherous, wicked, +and profane. You must know, Mr. Pickle, I was one day called into +my chapel, in order to join a couple in the holy bands of matrimony; +and, my affairs being at that time so situated, as to lay me under +apprehensions of an arrest, I cautiously surveyed the man through +a lattice which was made for that purpose, before I would venture +to come within his reach. He was clothed in a seaman's jacket and +trousers, and had such an air of simplicity in his countenance, as +divested me of all suspicion. I therefore, without further scruple, +trusted myself in his presence, began to exercise the duty of my +function, and had actually performed one half of the ceremony, when +the supposed woman, pulling out a paper from her bosom, exclaimed, +with a masculine voice, 'Sir, you are my prisoner; I have got a writ +against you for five hundred pounds.' I was thunderstruck at this +declaration, not so much on account of my own misfortune, which, +thank Heaven, I can bear with patience and resignation, as at the +impiety of the wretch, first, in disguising such a worldly aim +under the cloak of religion; and, secondly, in prostituting the +service, when there was no occasion for so doing, his design having +previously taken effect. Yet I forgive him, poor soul! because he +knew not what he did; and I hope you, Sir Simple, will exert the +same Christian virtue towards the man by whom you were likewise +overreached." + +"Oh! d-- the rascal," cried the knight; "were I his judge, he +should be condemned to flames everlasting. A villain! to disgrace +me in such a manner, before almost all the fashionable company in +town." Our hero expressing a curiosity to know the particulars of +this adventure, the knight gratified his desire, by telling him, +that one evening, while he was engaged in a party of cards, at +a drum in the house of a certain lady of quality, he was given to +understand by one of the servants, that a stranger, very richly +dressed, was just arrived in a chair, preceded by five footmen with +flambeaux, and that he refused to come upstairs, until he should +be introduced by Sir Simple. "Upon this notice," continued the +knight, "I judged it was some of my quality friends; and, having +obtained her ladyship's permission to bring him up, went down to the +hall, and perceived a person, whom, to the best of my recollection, +I had never seen before. However, his appearance was so magnificent, +that I could not harbour the least suspicion of his true quality; +and, seeing me advance, he saluted me with a very genteel bow, +observing, that though he had not the honour of my acquaintance, +he could not dispense with waiting upon me, even on that occasion, +in consequence of a letter which he had received from a particular +friend. So saying, he put a paper into my hand, intimating that he +had got a writ against me for ten thousand pounds, and that it would +be my interest to submit without resistance, for he was provided +with a guard of twenty men, who surrounded the door in different +disguises, determined to secure me against all opposition. Enraged +at the scoundrel's finesse, and trusting to the assistance of the +real footmen assembled in the hall, 'So you are a rascally bailiff,' +said I, 'who have assumed the garb of a gentleman, in order to +disturb her ladyship's company. Take this fellow, my lads, and roll +him in the kennel. Here are ten guineas for your trouble.' These +words were no sooner pronounced, than I was seized, lifted up, +placed in a chair, and carried off in the twinkling of an eye; not +but that the servants of the house, and some other footmen, made +a motion towards my rescue, and alarmed all the company above. But +the bailiff affirming with undaunted effrontery, that I was taken +up upon an affair of state, and so many people appearing in his +behalf, the countess would not suffer the supposed messenger to +be insulted; and he carried me to the county jail without further +let or molestation." + + + + + +CHAPTER XCVIII. + + + + +Pickle seems tolerably well reconciled to his Cage; and is by the +Clergyman entertained with the Memoirs of a Noted Personage, whom +he sees by accident in the Fleet. + + +The knight had scarce finished his narrative, when our hero was +told, that a gentleman in the coffee-room wanted to see him; and when +he went thither, he found his friend Crabtree, who had transacted +all his affairs, according to the determination of the preceding +day; and now gave him an account of the remarks he overheard, on +the subject of his misfortune; for the manner of the arrest was so +public and extraordinary, that those who were present immediately +propagated it among their acquaintance, and it was that same +evening discoursed upon at several tea and card tables, with this +variation from the truth, that the debt amounted to twelve thousand, +instead of twelve hundred pounds. From which circumstance it was +conjectured, that Peregrine was a bite from the beginning, who +had found credit on account of his effrontery and appearance, and +imposed himself upon the town as a young gentleman of fortune. +They rejoiced, therefore, at his calamity, which they considered +as a just punishment for his fraud and presumption, and began to +review certain particulars of his conduct, that plainly demonstrated +him to be a rank adventurer, long before he had arrived at this +end of his career. + +Pickle, who now believed his glory was set for ever, received +this intelligence with that disdain which enables a man to detach +himself effectually from the world, and, with great tranquility, +gave the misanthrope an entertaining detail of what he had seen +and heard since their last parting. While they amused themselves in +this manner over a dish of coffee they were joined by the parson, +who congratulated our hero upon his bearing mischance with such +philosophic quite, and began to regale the two friends with some +curious circumstances relating to the private history of the several +prisoners, as they happened to come in. At length a gentleman +entered; at sight of whom the clergyman rose up, and saluted him +with a most reverential bow, which was graciously returned by the +stranger, who, with a young man that attended him, retired to the +other end of the room. They were no sooner out of hearing, than the +communicative priest desired his company to take particular notice +of this person to whom he had paid his respects. "That man," said +he, "is this day one of the most flagrant instances of neglected +virtue which the world can produce. Over and above a cool discerning +head, fraught with uncommon learning and experience, he is possessed +of such fortitude and resolution, as no difficulties can discourage, +and no danger impair; and so indefatigable in his humanity, that +even now, while he is surrounded with such embarrassments as would +distract the brain of an ordinary mortal, he has added considerably +to his encumbrances, by taking under his protection that young +gentleman, who, induced by his character, appealed to his benevolence +for redress of the grievances under which he labours from the +villainy of guardian." + +Peregrine's curiosity being excited by this encomium, asked the +name of this generous patron, of which when he was informed, "I +am no stranger," said he, "to the fame of that gentleman, who has +made a considerable noise in the world, on account of that great +cause he undertook in defence of an unhappy orphan; and, since he +is a person of such an amiable disposition, I am heartily sorry to +find that his endeavours have not met with that successful issue +which their good fortune in the beginning seemed to promise. Indeed, +the circumstance of his espousing that cause was so uncommon and +romantic and the depravity of the human heart so universal, that +some people, unacquainted with his real character, imagined his views +were altogether selfish; and some were not wanting, who affirmed +he was a mere adventurer. Nevertheless, I must do him the justice +to own, I have heard some of the most virulent of those who were +concerned on the other side of the question, bear testimony in his +favour, observing, that he was deceived into the expense of the +whole, by the plausible story which at first engaged his compassion. +Your description of his character confirms me in the same opinion, +though I am quite ignorant of the affair; the particulars of which +I should be glad to learn, as well as the genuine account of his +own life, many circumstances of which are by his enemies, I believe, +egregiously misrepresented." + +"Sir," answered the priest, "that is a piece of satisfaction +which I am glad to find myself capable of giving you. I have had +the pleasure of being acquainted with Mr. M-- from his youth, and +everything which I shall relate concerning him, you may depend +upon as a fact which hath fallen under my own cognizance, or been +vouched upon the credit of undoubted evidence. "Mr. M--'s father +was a minister of the established church of Scotland, descended +from a very ancient clan, and his mother nearly related to a noble +family in the northern part of that kingdom. While the son was +boarded at a public school, where he made good progress in the +Latin tongue, his father died, and he was left an orphan to the +care of an uncle, who, finding him determined against any servile +employment, kept him at school, that he might prepare himself for +the university, with a view of being qualified for his father's +profession. + +"Here his imagination was so heated by the warlike achievements he +found recorded in the Latin authors, such as Caesar, Curtius, and +Buchanan, that he was seized with an irresistible thirst of military +glory, and desire of trying his fortune in the army. His Majesty's +troops taking the field, in consequence of the rebellion which +happened in the year seventeen hundred and fifteen, this young +adventurer, thinking no life equal to that of a soldier, found +means to furnish himself with a fusil and bayonet, and, leaving +the school, repaired to the camp near Stirling with a view of +signalizing himself in the field, though he was at that time but just +turned of thirteen. He offered his service to several officers, in +hope of being enlisted in their companies; but they would not receive +him, because they rightly concluded, that he was some schoolboy +broke loose, without the knowledge or consent of his relations. +Notwithstanding this discouragement, he continued in camp, curiously +prying into every part of the service; and such was the resolution +conspicuous in him, even at such a tender age, that, after his small +finances were exhausted, he persisted in his design; and, because +he would not make his wants known, actually subsisted for several +days on hips, haws, and sloes, and other spontaneous fruits, which +he gathered in the woods and fields. Meanwhile, he never failed to +be present, when any regiment or corps of men were drawn out to be +exercised and reviewed, and accompanied them in all their evolutions, +which he had learned to great perfection, by observing the companies +which were quartered in the place where he was at school. This +eagerness and perseverance attracted the notice of many officers, +who, after having commended his spirit and zeal, pressed him to +return to his parents, and even threatened to expel him from the +camp, if he would not comply with their advice. + +"These remonstrances having no other effect than that of warning +him to avoid his monitors, they thought proper to alter their +behaviour towards him, took him into their protection, and even into +their mess, and what, above all other marks of favour, pleased the +young soldier most, permitted him to incorporate in the battalion, +and take his turn of duty with the other men. In this happy situation +he was discovered by a relation of his mother, who was a captain in +the army, and who used all his authority and influence in persuading +M-- to return to school; but, finding him deaf to his admonitions +and threats, he took him under his own care, and, when the army +marched to Dumblane, left him at Stirling with express injunctions +to keep himself within the walls. + +"He temporized with his kinsman, fearing that, should he seem +refractory, the captain would have ordered him to be shut up in the +castle. Inflamed with the desire of seeing a battle, his relation +no sooner marched off the ground, than he mixed in with another +regiment, to which his former patrons belonged, and proceeded to the +field, where he distinguished himself, even at that early time of +life, by his gallantry, in helping to retrieve a pair of colours +belonging to M--n's regiment; so that, after the affair, he +was presented to the duke of Argyll, and recommended strongly to +Brigadier Grant, who invited him into his regiment, and promised +to provide for him with the first opportunity. But that gentleman +in a little time lost his command upon the duke's disgrace, and the +regiment was ordered for Ireland, being given to Colonel Nassau, +whose favour the young volunteer acquired to such a degree, that he +was recommended to the king for his ensigncy, which in all probability +he would have obtained, had not the regiment been unluckily reduced. + +"In consequence of this reduction, which happened in the most severe +season of the year, he was obliged to return to his own country, +through infinite hardships, to which he was exposed from the +narrowness of his circumstances. And continuing still enamoured +of a military life, he entered into the regiment of Scots Greys, +at that time commanded by the late Sir James Campbell, who, being +acquainted with his family and character, encouraged him with a +promise of speedy preferment. In this corps he remained three years, +during which he had no opportunity of seeing actual service, except +at the affair of Glensheel; and this life of insipid quiet must +have hung heavy upon a youth of M--'s active disposition, had not +he found exercise for the mind, in reading books of amusement, +history, voyages, and geography, together with those that treated +of the art of war, ancient and modem, for which he contracted +such an eager appetite, that he used to spend sixteen hours a day +in this employment. About that time he became acquainted with a +gentleman of learning and taste, who observing his indefatigable +application, and insatiable thirst after knowledge, took upon himself +the charge of superintending his studies; and, by the direction of +such an able guide, the young soldier converted his attention to +a more solid and profitable course of reading. So inordinate was +his desire of making speedy advances in the paths of learning, +that within the compass of three months, he diligently perused the +writings of Locke and Malebranche, and made himself master of the +first six and of the eleventh and twelfth books of Euclid's Elements. +He considered Puffendorf and Grotius with uncommon care, acquired +a tolerable degree of knowledge in the French language, and his +imagination was so captivated with the desire of learning, that, +seeing no prospect of a war, or views of being provided for in the +service, he quitted the army, and went through a regular course of +university education. Having made such progress in his studies, +he resolved to qualify himself for the church, and acquired such +a stock of school divinity, under the instructions of a learned +professor at Edinburgh, that he more than once mounted the rostrum +in the public hall, and held forth with uncommon applause. But being +discouraged from a prosecution of his plan, by the unreasonable +austerity of some of the Scotch clergy, by whom the most indifferent and +innocent words and actions were often misconstrued into levity and +misconduct, he resolved to embrace the first favourable opportunity +of going abroad, being inflamed with the desire of seeing foreign +countries; and actually set out for Holland, where, for the space +of two years, he studied the Roman law, with the law of nature and +nations, under the famous professors Tolieu and Barbeyrac. + +"Having thus finished his school education, he set out for Paris, +with a view to make himself perfect in the French language, and +learn such useful exercises, as might be acquired with the wretched +remnant of his slender estate, which was by that time reduced very +low. In his journey through the Netherlands, he went to Namur, and +paid his respects to Bishop Strickland and General Collier, by whom +he was received with great civility, in consequence of letters of +recommendation, with which he was provided from the Hague; and the +old general assured him of his protection and interest for a pair +of colours, if he was disposed to enter into the Dutch service. Though +he was by that time pretty well cured of his military quixotism, +he would not totally decline the generous proffer, for which he +thanked him in the most grateful terms, telling the general that +he would pay his duty to him on his return from France, and then, +if he could determine upon re-engaging in the army, should think +himself highly honoured in being under his command. + +"After a stay of two months in Flanders, he proceeded to Paris, and, +far from taking up his habitation in the suburbs of St. Germain, +according to the custom of English travellers, he hired a private +lodging on the other side of the river, and associated chiefly +with French officers, who, their youthful sallies being over, are +allowed to be the politest gentlemen of that kingdom. In this scheme +he found his account so much, that he could not but wonder at the +folly of his countrymen, who lose the main scope of their going +abroad, by spending their time and fortune idly with one another. + +"During his residence in Holland, he had made himself acquainted +with the best authors in the French language, so that he was able +to share in their conversation; a circumstance from which he found +great benefit; for it not only improved him in his knowledge of that +tongue, but also tended to the enlargement of his acquaintance, in +the course of which he contracted intimacies in some families of +good fashion, especially those of the long robe, which would have +enabled him to pass his time very agreeably, had he been a little +easier in point of fortune. But his finances, notwithstanding the +most rigid economy, being in a few months reduced to a very low +ebb, the prospect of indigence threw a damp upon all his pleasures, +though he never suffered himself to be thereby in any degree +dispirited; being in that respect of so happy a disposition, that +conscious poverty or abundance made very slight impressions upon +his mind. This consumption of his cash, however, involved him in +some perplexity, and he deliberated with himself, whether he should +return to General Collier, or repair to London, where he might +possibly fall into some business not unbecoming a gentleman; though +he was very much mortified to find himself incapable of gratifying +an inordinate desire which possessed him of making the grand tour, +or, at least, of visiting the southern parts of France. + +"While he thus hesitated between different suggestions, he was one +morning visited by a gentleman who had sought and cultivated his +friendship, and for whom he had done a good office, in supporting +him with spirit against a brutal German, with whom he had an affair +of honour. This gentleman came to propose a party for a fortnight, +to Fontainebleau, where the court then was; and the proposal being +declined by M-- with more than usual stiffness, his friend was very +urgent to know the reason of his refusal, and at length, with some +confusion, said, 'Perhaps your finances are low?' M-- replied, that +he had wherewithal to defray the expense of his journey to London, +where he could be furnished with a fresh supply; and this answer +was no sooner made, than the other taking him by the hand, 'My +dear friend,' said he, 'I am not unacquainted with your affairs, +and would have offered you my credit long ago, if I had thought it +would be acceptable; even now, I do not pretend to give you money, +but desire and insist upon it, that you will accept of the loan +of these two pieces of paper, to be repaid when you marry a woman +with a fortune of twenty thousand pounds, or obtain an employment +of a thousand a year.' So saying, he presented him with two actions +of above two thousand livres each. + +"M-- was astonished at this unexpected instance of generosity, in +a stranger, and, with suitable acknowledgment, peremptorily refused +to incur such an obligation; but at length he was, by dint of +importunity and warm expostulation, prevailed upon to accept one +of the actions, on condition that the gentleman would take his note +for the sum; and this he absolutely rejected, until M-- promised +to draw upon him for double the value or more, in case he should +at any time want a further supply. This uncommon act of friendship +and generosity, afterwards had an opportunity to repay tenfold, +though he could not help regretting the occasion, on his friend's +account. That worthy man having, by placing too much confidence +in a villainous lawyer, and a chain of other misfortunes, involved +himself and his amiable lady in a labyrinth of difficulties, which +threatened the total ruin of his family, M-- felt the inexpressible +satisfaction of delivering his benefactor from the snare. + +"Being thus reinforced by the generosity of his friend, M-- resolved +to execute his former plan of seeing the south of France, together +with the sea-ports of Spain, as far as Cadiz, from whence he +proposed to take a passage for London by sea; and, with this view, +sent forward his trunks by the diligence to Lyons, determined to +ride post, in order to enjoy a better view of the country, and for +the conveniency of stopping at those places where there was anything +remarkable to be seen or inquired into. While he was employed +in taking leave of his Parisian friends, who furnished him with +abundant recommendation, a gentleman of his own country, who spoke +little or no French, hearing of his intention, begged the favour +of accompanying him in his expedition. With this new companion, +therefore, he set out for Lyons, where he was perfectly well received +by the intendant and some of the best families of the place, in +consequence of his letters of recommendation; and, after a short +stay in that city, proceeded down the Rhone to Avignon, in what +is called the coche d'eau; then visiting the principal towns of +Dauphiny, Languedoc, and Provence, he returned to the delightful +city of Marseilles, where he and his fellow-traveller were so +much captivated by the serenity of the air, the good-nature and +hospitality of the sprightly inhabitants, that they never dreamed +of changing their quarters during the whole winter and part of the +spring: here he acquired the acquaintance of the Marquis d'Argens, +attorney-general in the parliament of Aix, and of his eldest son, +who now makes so great a figure in the literary world; and when +the affair of Father Girard and Mademoiselle Cadiere began to make +a noise, he accompanied these two gentlemen to Toulon, where the +marquis was ordered to take a precognition of the facts. + +"On his return to Marseilles, he found a certain noble lord of +great fortune, under the direction of a Swiss governor, who had +accommodated him with two of his own relations, of the same country, +by way of companions, together with five servants in his train. +They being absolute strangers in the place, M--introduced them to +the intendant, and several other good families, and had the good +fortune to be so agreeable to his lordship, that he proposed and even +pressed him to live with him in England as a friend and companion, +and to take upon him the superintendence of his affairs, in which +case he would settle upon him four hundred a year for life. + +"This proposal was too advantageous to be slighted by a person of +no fortune, or fixed establishment: he therefore made no difficulty +of closing with it; but, as his lordship's departure was fixed to +a short day, and he urged him to accompany him to Paris, and from +thence to England, M-- thought it would be improper and indecent to +interfere with the office of his governor, who might take umbrage +at his favour, and therefore excused himself from a compliance with +his lordship's request, until his minority should be expired, as +he was within a few months of being of age. However, he repeated +his importunities so earnestly, and the governor joined in the +request with such appearance of cordiality, that he was prevailed +upon to comply with their joint desire; and in a few days set out +with them for Paris, by the way of Lyons. But, before they had +been three days in the city, M-- perceived a total change in the +behaviour of the Swiss and his two relations, who, in all probability, +became jealous of his influence with his lordship; and he no sooner +made this discovery, than he resolved to withdraw himself from such +a disagreeable participation of that young nobleman's favour. He, +therefore, in spite of all his lordship's entreaties and remonstrances, +quitted him for the present, alleging, as a pretext, that he had a +longing desire to see Switzerland and the banks of the Rhine, and +promising to meet him again in England. + +"This his intention being made known to the governor and his +friends, their countenances immediately cleared up, their courtesy +and complaisance returned, and they even furnished him with letters +for Geneva, Lausanne, Bern, and Soleures; in consequence of which +he met with unusual civilities at these places. Having made this +tour with his Scotch friend, who came up to him before he left +Lyons, and visited the most considerable towns on both sides of the +Rhine, and the courts of the electors Palatine, Mentz, and Cologne, +he arrived in Holland; and from thence, through the Netherlands, +repaired to London, where he found my lord just returned from Paris. + +"His lordship received him with expressions of uncommon joy, would +not suffer him to stir from him for several days, and introduced +him to his relations. M-- accompanied his lordship from London to +his country seat, where he was indeed treated with great friendship +and confidence, and consulted in everything; but the noble peer +never once made mention of the annuity which he had promised to +settle upon him, nor did M-- remind him of it, because he conceived +it was his affair to fulfil his engagements of his own accord. +M-- being tired of the manner of living at this place, made an +excursion to Bath, where he stayed about a fortnight, to partake +of the diversions, and, upon his return, found his lordship making +dispositions for another journey to Paris. + +"Surprised at this sudden resolution, he endeavoured to dissuade +him from it; but his remonstrances were rendered ineffectual by the +insinuations of a foreigner who had come over with him, and filled +his imagination with extravagant notions of pleasure, infinitely +superior to any which he could enjoy while he was in the trammels +and under the restraints of a governor. He, therefore, turned a deaf +ear to all M--'s arguments, and entreated him to accompany him in +the journey; but this gentleman, foreseeing that a young man, like +my lord, of strong passions, and easy to be misled, would, in all +probability, squander away great sums of money, in a way that would +neither do credit to himself, or to those who were concerned with +him, resisted all his solicitations, on pretence of having business +of consequence at London; and afterwards had reason to be extremely +well pleased with his own conduct in this particular. + +"Before he set out on this expedition, M--, in justice to himself, +reminded him of the proposal which he had made to him at Marseilles, +desiring to know if he had altered his design in that particular; +in which case he would turn his thoughts some other way, as he +would not in the least be thought to intrude or pin himself upon +any man. My lord protested in the most solemn manner, that he +still continued in his former resolution, and, again beseeching him +to bear him company into France, promised that everything should +be settled to his satisfaction upon their return to England. M--, +however, still persisted in his refusal, for the above-mentioned +reasons, and, though he never heard more of the annuity, he +nevertheless continued to serve his lordship with his advice and +good offices ever after; particularly in directing his choice to +an alliance with a lady of eminent virtue, the daughter of a noble +lord, more conspicuous for his shining parts than the splendour +of his titles; a circumstance upon which he always reflected with +particular satisfaction, as well on account of the extraordinary +merit of the lady, as because it vested in her children a +considerable part of that great estate, which of right belonged to +her grandmother, and afterwards put him in a way to retrieve his +estate from a heavy load of debt he had contracted. When my lord +set out on his Paris expedition, the money M-- had received from +his generous friend at Paris was almost reduced to the last guinea. +He had not yet reaped the least benefit from his engagements with +his lordship; and, disdaining to ask for a supply from him, he knew +not how to subsist, with any degree of credit, till his return. + +"This uncomfortable prospect was the more disagreeable to him, as, +at that time of life, he was much inclined to appear in the gay +world, had contracted a taste for plays, operas, and other public +diversions, and acquired an acquaintance with many people of good +fashion, which could not be maintained without a considerable +expense. In this emergency, he thought he could not employ his idle +time more profitably than in translating, from foreign languages, +such books as were then chiefly in vogue; and upon application to +a friend, who was a man of letters, he was furnished with as much +business of that kind as he could possibly manage, and wrote some +pamphlets on the reigning controversies of that time, that had the +good fortune to please. He was also concerned in a monthly journal +of literature, and the work was carried on by the two friends +jointly, though M-- did not at all appear in the partnership. By +these means he not only spent his mornings in useful exercise but +supplied himself with money for what the French call the menus +plaisirs, during the whole summer. He frequented all the assemblies +in and about London, and considerably enlarged his acquaintance +among the fair sex. + +"He had, upon his first arrival in England, become acquainted with +a lady at an assembly not far from London; and though, at that +time, he had no thoughts of extending his views farther than the +usual gallantry of the place, he met with such distinguishing marks +of her regard in the sequel, and was so particularly encouraged +by the advice of another lady, with whom he had been intimate in +France, and who was now of their parties, that he could not help +entertaining hopes of making an impression upon the heart of his +agreeable partner, who was a young lady of an ample fortune and +great expectations. He therefore cultivated her good graces with +all the assiduity and address of which he was master, and succeeded +so well in his endeavours, that, after a due course of attendance, +and the death of an aunt, by which she received an accession +of fortune to the amount of three and twenty thousand pounds, he +ventured to declare his passion, and she not only heard him with +patience and approbation, but also replied in terms adequate to +his warmest wish. + +"Finding himself so favourably received, he pressed her to secure +his happiness by marriage; but, to this proposal, she objected the +recency of her kinswoman's death, which would have rendered such a +step highly indecent, and the displeasure of her other relations, +from whom she had still greater expectations, and who, at that +time, importuned her to marry a cousin of her own, whom she could +not like. However, that M-- might have no cause to repine at her +delay, she freely entered with him into an intimacy of correspondence; +during which nothing could have added to their mutual felicity, which +was the more poignant and refined, from the mysterious and romantic +manner of their enjoying it; for, though he publicly visited her +as an acquaintance, his behaviour on these occasions was always +so distant, respectful, and reserved, that the rest of the company +could not possibly suspect the nature of their reciprocal attachment; +in consequence of which they used to have private interviews, unknown +to every soul upon earth, except her maid, who was necessarily +entrusted with the secret. + +"In this manner they enjoyed the conversation of each other for +above twelve months, without the least interruption; and though +the stability of Mr. M--'s fortune depended entirely upon their +marriage, yet as he perceived his mistress so averse to it, he +never urged it with vehemence, nor was at all anxious on that score, +being easily induced to defer a ceremony, which, as he then thought, +could in no shape have added to their satisfaction, though he hath +since altered his sentiments. Be that as it will, his indulgent +mistress, in order to set his mind at ease in that particular, and +in full confidence of his honour, insisted on his accepting a deed +of gift of her whole fortune, in consideration of her intended +marriage; and, after some difficulty, he was prevailed upon to +receive this proof of her esteem, well knowing that it would still +be in his power to return the obligation. Though she often entreated +him to take upon himself the entire administration of her finances, +and upon divers occasions pressed him to accept of large sums, he +never once abused her generous disposition, or solicited her for +money, except for some humane purpose, which she was always more +ready to fulfil than he to propose. + +"In the course of this correspondence, he became acquainted with +some of her female relations, and, among the rest, with a young +lady, so eminently adorned with all the qualifications of mind and +person, that, notwithstanding all his philosophy and caution, he +could not behold and converse with her, without being deeply smitten +with her charms. He did all in his power to discourage this dangerous +invasion in the beginning, and to conceal the least symptom of it +from her relation; he summoned all his reflection to his aid, and, +thinking it would be base and dishonest to cherish any sentiment +repugnant to the affection which he owed to a mistress who had +placed such unlimited confidence in him, he attempted to stifle +the infant flame, by avoiding the amiable inspirer of it. But the +passion had taken too deep a root in his heart to be so easily +extirpated; his absence from the dear object increased the impatience +of his love: the intestine conflict between that and gratitude +deprived him of his rest and appetite. He was, in a short time, +emaciated by continual watching, anxiety, and want of nourishment, +and so much altered from his usual cheerfulness, that his mistress, +being surprised and alarmed at the change, which, from the symptoms, +she judged was owing to some uneasiness of mind, took all imaginable +pains to discover the cause. In all probability it did not escape +her penetration; for she more than once asked if he was in love +with her cousin; protesting that, far from being an obstacle to his +happiness, she would, in that case, be an advocate for his passion. +However, this declaration was never made without manifest signs +of anxiety and uneasiness, which made such an impression upon the +heart of M--, that he resolved to sacrifice his happiness, and even +his life, rather than take any step which might be construed into +an injury or insult to a person who had treated him with such +generosity and goodness. + +"In consequence of this resolution, he formed another, which was to +go abroad, under pretence of recovering his health, but in reality +to avoid the temptation, as well as the suspicion of being inconstant; +and in this design he was confirmed by his physician, who actually +thought him in the first stage of a consumption, and therefore advised +him to repair to the south of France. He communicated his design, +with the doctor's opinion, to the lady, who agreed to it with much +less difficulty than he found in conquering his own reluctance at +parting with the dear object of his love. The consent of his generous +mistress being obtained, he waited upon her with the instrument +whereby she had made the conveyance of her fortune to him; and +all his remonstrances being insufficient to persuade her to take +it back, he cancelled it in her presence, and placed it in that +state upon her toilet, while she was dressing; whereupon she shed +a torrent of tears, saying, she now plainly perceived that he wanted +to tear himself from her, and that his affections were settled upon +another. He was sensibly affected by this proof of her concern, +and endeavoured to calm the perturbation of her mind, by vowing +eternal fidelity, and pressing her to accept of his hand in due form +before his departure. By these means her transports were quieted +for the present, and the marriage deferred for the same prudential +reasons which had hitherto prevented it. + +"Matters being thus compromised, and the day fixed for his departure, +she, together with her faithful maid, one morning visited him for +the first time at his own lodgings; and, after breakfast, desiring +to speak with him in private, he conducted her into another +room, where assuming an unusual gravity of aspect, 'My dear M--,' +said she, 'you are now going to leave me, and God alone knows if +ever we shall meet again; therefore, if you really love me with +that tenderness which you profess, you will accept of this mark +of my friendship and unalterable affection; it will at least be a +provision for your journey, and if an accident should befall me, +before I have the happiness of receiving you again into my arms, I +shall have the satisfaction of knowing that you are not altogether +without resource.' So saying, she put an embroidered pocket-book +into his hand. He expressed the high sense he had of her generosity +and affection in the most pathetic terms, and begged leave to suspend +his acceptance, until he should know the contents of her present, +which was so extraordinary, that he absolutely refused to receive +it. He was, however, by her repeated entreaties, in a manner +compelled to receive about one-half, and she afterwards insisted +upon his taking a reinforcement of a considerable sum for the +expense of his journey. + +"Having stayed with her ten days beyond the time he had fixed for +his departure, and settled the method of their correspondence, he +took his leave, with a heart full of sorrow, anxiety, and distraction, +produced from the different suggestions of his duty and love. He +then set out for France, and, after a short stay at Paris, proceeded +to Aix in Provence, and from thence to Marseilles, at which two +places he continued for some months. But nothing he met with being +able to dissipate those melancholy ideas which still preyed upon his +imagination, and affected his spirits, he endeavoured to elude them +with a succession of new objects; and, with that view, persuaded a +counsellor of the parliament of Aix, a man of great worth, learning, +and good-humour, to accompany him in making a tour of those parts +of France which he had not yet seen. On their return from this +excursion, they found at Aix an Italian abbe, a person of character, +and great knowledge of men and books, who, having travelled all +over Germany and France, was so far on his return to his own country. + +"M-- having, by means of his friend the counsellor, contracted an +acquaintance with this gentleman, and, being desirous of seeing +some parts of Italy, particularly the carnival at Venice, they set +out together from Marseilles in a tartan for Genoa, coasting it all +the way, and lying on shore every night. Having shown him what was +most remarkable in this city, his friend the abbe was so obliging +as to conduct him through Tuscany, and the most remarkable cities +in Lombardy, to Venice, where M-- insisted upon defraying the expense +of the whole tour, in consideration of the abbe's complaisance, +which had been of infinite service to him in the course of this +expedition. Having remained five weeks at Venice, he was preparing +to set out for Rome, with some English gentlemen whom he had met +by accident, when he was all of a sudden obliged to change his +resolution by some disagreeable letters which he received from +London. He had, from his first departure, corresponded with his +generous, though inconstant mistress, with a religious exactness +and punctuality; nor was she, for some time, less observant of +the agreement they had made. Nevertheless, she, by degrees, became +so negligent and cold in her expression, and so slack in her +correspondence, that he could not help observing and upbraiding +her with such indifference; and her endeavours to palliate it were +supported by pretexts so frivolous, as to be easily seen through +by a lover of very little discernment. + +"While he tortured himself with conjectures about the cause of this +unexpected change, he received such intelligence from England, as, +when joined with what he himself had perceived by her manner of +writing, left him little or no room to doubt of her fickleness and +inconstancy. Nevertheless, as he knew by experience that informations +of that kind are not to be entirely relied upon, he resolved to be +more certainly apprised: and, for that end, departed immediately +for London, by the way of Tyrol, Bavaria, Alsace, and Paris. On +his arrival in England, he learned, with infinite concern, that +his intelligence had not been at all exaggerated; and his sorrow +was inexpressible to find a person endowed with so many other +noble and amiable qualities, seduced into an indiscretion, that of +necessity ruined the whole plan which had been concerted between +them for their mutual happiness. She made several attempts, by +letters and interviews, to palliate her conduct, and soften him +into a reconciliation; but his honour being concerned, he remained +deaf to all her entreaties and proposals. Nevertheless, I have often +heard him say, that he could not help loving her, and revering the +memory of a person to whose generosity and goodness he owed his +fortune, and one whose foibles were overbalanced by a thousand good +qualities. He often insisted on making restitution; but far from +complying with that proposal, she afterwards often endeavoured to lay +him under yet greater obligations of the same kind, and importuned +him with the warmest solicitations to renew their former correspondence, +which he as often declined. + +"M-- took this instance of the inconstancy of the sex so much to +heart, that he had almost resolved for the future to keep clear +of all engagements for life, and returned to Paris, in order to +dissipate his anxiety, where he hired an apartment in one of the +academies, in the exercises whereof he took singular delight. During +his residence at this place, he had the good fortune to ingratiate +himself with a great general, a descendant of one of the most +ancient and illustrious families in France; having attracted his +notice by some remarks he had written on Folard's Polybius, which +were accidentally shown to that great man by one of his aides-de-camp, +who was a particular friend of M--. The favour he had thus acquired +was strengthened by his assiduities and attention. Upon his return +to London, he sent some of Handel's newest compositions to the +prince, who was particularly fond of that gentleman's productions, +together with Clark's edition of Caesar; and, in the spring of the +same year, before the French army took the field, he was honoured +with a most obliging letter from the prince, inviting him to come +over, if he wanted to see the operations of the campaign, and +desiring he would give himself no trouble about his equipage. + +"M-- having still some remains of a military disposition, and this +to be a more favourable opportunity than any he should ever meet +with again, readily embraced the offer, and sacrificed the soft +delights of love, which at that time he enjoyed without control, +to an eager, laborious, and dangerous curiosity. In that and the +following campaign, during which he was present at the siege of +Philipsburgh, and several other actions, he enlarged his acquaintance +among the French officers, especially those of the graver sort, +who had a taste for books and literature; and the friendship and +interest of those gentlemen were afterwards of singular service to +him, though in an affair altogether foreign from their profession. +"He had all along made diligent inquiry into the trade and manufactures +of the countries through which he had occasion to travel, more +particularly those of Holland, England, and France; and, as he was +well acquainted with the revenue and farms of this last kingdom, +he saw with concern the great disadvantages under which our tobacco +trade, the most considerable branch of our commerce with that +people, was carried on; what inconsiderable returns were made to +the planters, out of the low price given by the French company; +and how much it was in the power of that company to reduce it still +lower. M-- had formed a scheme to remedy this evil, so far as it +related to the national loss or gain, by not permitting the duty of +one penny in the pound, old subsidy, to be drawn back, on tobacco, +re-exported. He demonstrated to the ministry of that time, that so +inconsiderable a duty could not in the least diminish the demand +from abroad, which was the only circumstance to be apprehended, +and that the yearly produce of that revenue would amount to one +hundred and twenty thousand pounds, without one shilling additional +expense to the public; but the ministry having the excise scheme +then in contemplation, could think of no other till that should be +tried; and that project having miscarried, he renewed his application, +when they approved of his scheme in every particular, but discovered +a surprising backwardness to carry it into execution. + +"His expectations in this quarter being disappointed, he, by +the interposition of his friends, presented a plan to the French +company, in which he set forth the advantages that would accrue to +themselves from fixing the price, and securing that sort of tobacco +which best suited the taste of the public and their manufacture; +and finally proposed to furnish them with any quantity, at the +price which they paid in the port of London. + +"After some dispute, they agreed to this proposal, and contracted +with him for fifteen thousand hogsheads a year, for which they +obliged themselves to pay ready money, on its arrival in any one +or more convenient ports in the south or western coasts of Great +Britain that he should please to fix upon for that purpose. M-- +no sooner obtained this contract, than he immediately set out for +America, in order to put it in execution; and, by way of companion, +carried with him a little French abbe, a man of humour, wit, and +learning, with whom he had been long acquainted, and for whom he +had done many good offices. + +"On his arrival in Virginia, which opportunely happened at a +time when all the gentlemen were assembled in the capital of that +province, he published a memorial, representing the disadvantages +under which their trade was carried on, the true method of redressing +their own grievances in that respect, and proposing to contract +with them for the yearly quantity of fifteen thousand hogsheads of +such tobacco as was fit for the French market, at the price which +he demonstrated to be considerably greater than that which they +had formerly received. This remonstrance met with all the success +and encouragement he could expect. The principal planters, seeing +their own interest concerned, readily assented to the proposal, +which, through their influence, was also relished by the rest; +and the only difficulty that remained, related to the security for +payment of the bills on the arrival of the tobacco in England, and +to the time stipulated for the continuance of the contract. + +"In order to remove these objections, Mr. M-- returned to Europe, +and found the French company of farmers disposed to agree to everything +he desired for facilitating the execution of the contract, and +perfectly well pleased with the sample which he had already sent; +but his good friend the abbe, whom he had left behind him in America, +by an unparalleled piece of treachery, found means to overturn +the whole project. He secretly wrote a memorial to the company, +importing, that he found, by experience, M-- could afford to furnish +them at a much lower price than that which they had agreed to give; +and that, by being in possession of the contract for five years, as +was intended according to the proposal, he would have the company +so much in his power, that they must afterwards submit to any price +he should please to impose; and that, if they thought him worth +of such a trust, he would undertake to furnish them at an easier +rate, in conjunction with some of the leading men in Virginia and +Maryland, with whom, he said, he had already concerted measures +for that purpose. + +"The company were so much alarmed at these insinuations, that they +declined complying with Mr. M--'s demands until the abbe's return; +and, though they afterwards used all their endeavours to persuade +him to be concerned with that little traitor in his undertaking, +by which he might still have been a very considerable gainer, he +resisted all their solicitations, and plainly told them, in the +abbe's presence, that he would never prostitute his own principles +so far, as to enter into engagements of any kind with a person of +his character, much less in a scheme that had a manifest tendency +to lower the market price of tobacco in England. + +"Thus ended a project the most extensive, simple, and easy, and, as +appeared by the trial made, the best calculated to raise an immense +fortune of any that was ever undertaken or planned by a private +person; a project, in the execution of which M-- had the good of +the public, and the glory of putting in a flourishing condition the +valuable branch of our trade which gives employment to two great +provinces and above two hundred sail of ships, much more at heart +than his own private interest. It was reasonable to expect, that +a man whose debts M-- had paid more than once, whom he had obliged +in many other respects, and whom he had carried with him at a very +considerable expense, on this expedition, merely with a view of +bettering his fortune, would have acted with common honesty, if not +with gratitude; but such was the depravity of this little monster's +heart, that, on his deathbed, he left a considerable fortune to +mere strangers, with whom he had little or no connection, without +the least thought of refunding the money advanced for him by M--, +in order to prevent his rotting in a jail. + +"When M-- had once obtained a command of money, he, by his knowledge +in several branches of trade, as well as by the assistance of some +intelligent friends at Paris and London, found means to employ +it to very good purpose; and had he been a man of that selfish +disposition, which too much prevails in the world, he might have been +at this day master of a very ample fortune; but his ear was never +deaf to the voice of distress, nor his beneficent heart shut against +the calamities of his fellow-creatures. He was even ingenious in +contriving the most delicate methods of relieving modest indigence, +and, by his industrious benevolence, often anticipated the requests +of misery. + +"I could relate a number of examples to illustrate my assertions, +in some of which you would perceive the most disinterested generosity; +but such a detail would trespass too much upon your time, and I do +not pretend to dwell upon every minute circumstance of his conduct. +Let it suffice to say, that, upon the declaration of war in Spain, +he gave up all his commercial schemes, and called in his money from +all quarters, with a view of sitting down, for the rest of his life, +contented with what he had got, and restraining his liberalities +to what he could spare from his yearly income. This was a very +prudential resolution, could he have kept it; but, upon the breaking +out of the war, he could not without concern see many gentlemen +of merit, who had been recommended to him, disappointed of +commissions, merely for want of money to satisfy the expectations +of the commission-brokers of that time; and therefore launched out +considerable sums for them on their bare notes, great part whereof +was lost by the death of some in the unfortunate expedition +to the West Indies. He at length, after many other actions of the +like nature, from motives of pure humanity, love of justice, and +abhorrence of oppression, embarked in a cause, every way the most +important that ever came under the discussion of the courts of +law in these kingdoms; whether it be considered in relation to the +extraordinary nature of the case, or the immense property of no +less than fifty thousand pounds a year, and three peerages that +depended upon it. + +"In the year 1740, the brave admiral who at that time commanded his +majesty's fleet in the West Indies, among the other transactions +of his squadron transmitted to the duke of Newcastle, mentioned +a young man, who, though in the capacity of a common sailor on +board one of the ships under his command, laid claim to the estate +and titles of the earl of A--. These pretensions were no sooner +communicated in the public papers, than they became the subject +of conversation in all companies; and the person whom they chiefly +affected, being alarmed at the appearance of a competitor, though +at such a distance, began to put himself in motion, and take all +the precautions which he thought necessary to defeat the endeavour +of the young upstart. Indeed, the early intelligence he received +of Mr. A--'s making himself known in the West Indies, furnished +him with numberless advantages over that unhappy young gentleman; +for, being in possession of a splendid fortune, and lord of many +manors in the neighbourhood of the very place where the claimant +was born, he knew all the witnesses who could give the most material +evidence of his legitimacy; and, if his probity did not restrain +him, had, by his power and influence, sufficient opportunity and +means of applying to the passions and interests of the witnesses, +to silence many, and gain over others to his side; while his +competitor, by an absence of fifteen or sixteen years from his +native country, the want of education and friends, together with +his present helpless situation, was rendered absolutely incapable +of taking any step for his own advantage. And although his worthy +uncle's conspicuous virtue, and religious regard for justice and +truth, might possibly be an unconquerable restraint to his taking +any undue advantages, yet the consciences of that huge army of +emissaries he kept in pay were not altogether so very tender and +scrupulous. This much, however, may be said, without derogation +from, or impeachment of, the noble earl's nice virtue and honour, +that he took care to compromise all differences with the other +branches of the family, whose interests were, in this affair, +connected with his own, by sharing the estate with them, and also +retained most of the eminent counsel within the bar of both kingdoms +against this formidable bastard, before any suit was instituted by +him. + +"While he was thus entrenching himself against the attack of +a poor forlorn youth, at the distance of fifteen hundred leagues, +continually exposed to the dangers of the sea, the war, and an +unhealthy climate, Mr. M--, in the common course of conversation, +chanced to ask some questions relating to this romantic pretender, +of one H--, who was at that time the present Lord A--'s chief agent. +This man, when pressed, could not help owning that the late Lord +A-- actually left a son, who had been spirited away into America +soon after his father's death, but said he did not know whether +this was the same person. This information could not fail to make +an impression on the humanity of Mr. M--, who, being acquainted +with the genius of the wicked party who had possessed themselves +of this unhappy young man's estate and honours, expressed no small +anxiety and apprehension lest they should take him off by some means +or other; and, even then, seemed disposed to contribute towards the +support of the friendless orphan, and to inquire more circumstantially +into the nature of his claim. In the meantime his occasions called +him to France, and during his absence Mr. A-- arrived in London in +the month of October, 174l." + +Here the clergyman was interrupted by Peregrine, who said there +was something so extraordinary, not to call it improbable, in +the account he had heard of the young gentleman's being sent into +exile, that he would look upon himself as infinitely obliged to the +doctor, if he would favour him with a true representation of that +transaction, as well as of the manner in which he arrived and was +known at the Island of Jamaica. + +The parson, in compliance with our hero's request, taking up the +story from the beginning, "Mr. A--," said he, "is the son of Arthur, +late lord baron of A--, by his wife Mary S--, natural daughter to +John, duke of B-- and N--, whom he publicly married on the 21st +day of July, 1706, contrary to the inclination of his mother, and +all his other relations, particularly of Arthur, late earl of A--, +who bore an implacable enmity to the duke her father, and, for that +reason, did all that lay in his power to traverse the marriage; +but, finding his endeavours ineffectual, he was so much offended, +that he would never be perfectly reconciled to Lord A--, though +he was his presumptive heir. After their nuptials, they cohabited +together in England for the space of two or three years, during +which she miscarried more than once; and he being a man of levity, +and an extravagant disposition, not only squandered away all that +he had received of his wife's fortune, but also contracted many +considerable debts, which obliged him to make a precipitate retreat +into Ireland, leaving his lady behind him in the house with his +mother and sister, who, having also been averse to the match, had +always looked upon her with eyes of disgust. + +"It was not likely that harmony should long subsist in this family, +especially as Lady A-- was a woman of a lofty spirit, who could not +tamely bear insults and ill-usage from persons who, she had reason +to believe, were her enemies at heart. Accordingly, a misunderstanding +soon happened among them, which was fomented by the malice of one +of her sisters-in-law. Divers scandalous reports of her misconduct, +to which the empty pretensions of a vain wretched coxcomb, who was +made use of as an infamous tool for that purpose, gave a colourable +pretext, were trumped up, and transmitted, with many false and +aggravating circumstances, to her husband in Ireland; who, being a +giddy, unthinking man, was so much incensed at these insinuations, +that, in the first transports of his passion, he sent to his mother a +power of attorney, that she might sue for a divorce in his behalf. +A libel was thereupon exhibited, containing many scandalous allegations, +void of any real foundation in truth; but being unsupported by any +manner of proof, it was at length dismissed with costs, after it +had depended upwards of two years. + +"Lord A-- finding himself abused by the misrepresentations of his +mother and sister, discovered an inclination to be reconciled to his +lady. In consequence of which, she was sent over to Dublin by her +father, to the care of a gentleman in that city; in whose house she +was received by her husband with all the demonstrations of love and +esteem. From thence he conducted her to his lodgings, and thence +to his country house, where she had the misfortune to suffer a +miscarriage, through fear and resentment of my lord's behaviour, +which was often brutal and indecent. From the country they removed +to Dublin, about the latter end of July, or beginning of August, +1714, where they had not long continued, when her ladyship was +known to be again with child. + +"Lord A-- and his issue being next in remainder to the honours and +estate of Arthur, earl of A--, was extremely solicitous to have a +son; and, warned by the frequent miscarriages of his lady, resolved +to curb the natural impatience and rusticity of his disposition, +that she might not, as formerly, suffer by his outrageous conduct. +He accordingly cherished her with uncommon tenderness and care; +and her pregnancy being pretty far advanced, conducted her to his +country seat, where she was delivered of Mr. A--, about the latter +end of April, or beginning of May; for none of the witnesses have +been able, at this distance, with absolute certainty to fix the +precise time of his birth, and there was no register kept in the +parish. As an additional misfortune, no gentleman of fashion lived +in that parish; nor did those who lived at any considerable distance +care to cultivate an acquaintance with a man of Lord A--'s strange +conduct. + +"Be that as it will, the occasion was celebrated by his lordship's +tenants and dependents upon the spot, and in the neighbouring town +of New-R--, by bonfires, illuminations, and other rejoicings; which +have made such an impression upon the minds of the people, that in +the place where they happened, and the contiguous parishes, several +hundred persons have already declared their knowledge and remembrance +of this event, in spite of the great power of the claimant's adversary +in that quarter, and the great pains and indirect methods taken by +his numberless agents and emissaries, as well as by those who are +interested with him in the event of the suit, to corrupt and suppress +the evidence. + +"Lord A--, after the birth of his son, who was sent to nurse in +the neighbourhood, according to the custom of the country, where +people of the highest distinction put their children out to nurse +into farmhouses and cabins, lived in harmony with his lady for +the space of two years. But having, by his folly and extravagance, +reduced himself to great difficulties, he demanded the remainder +of her fortune from her father, the duke of B--, who absolutely +refused to part with a shilling until a proper settlement should +be made on his daughter, which, by that time, he had put out of +his own power to make, by his folly and extravagance. + +"As her ladyship, by her endeavours to reform the economy of her +house, had incurred the displeasure of some idle profligate fellows, +who had fastened themselves upon her husband, and helped to consume +his substance, they seized this opportunity of the duke's refusal; +and, in order to be revenged upon the innocent lady, persuaded +Lord A--, that the only means of extracting money from his grace, +would be to turn her away, on pretence of infidelity to his bed, +for which they hinted there was but too much foundation. At their +suggestions, a most infamous plan was projected; in the execution +of which, one P--, a poor, unbred, simple country booby, whom they +had decoyed into a snare, lost one of his ears, and the injured +lady retired that same day to New-R--, where she continued several +years. She did not, however, leave the house, without struggling +hard to carry her child along with her; but far from enjoying such +indulgence, strict orders were given, that the boy should not, +for the future, be brought within her sight. This base, inhuman +treatment, instead of answering the end proposed, produced such a +contrary effect, that the duke of B--, by a codicil to his will, +in which he reflects upon Lord A--'s evil temper, directed his +executors to pay to his daughter an annuity of one hundred pounds, +while her lord and she should continue to live separate; and this +allowance was to cease on Lord A--'s death. + +"While she remained in this solitary situation, the child was +universally known and received as the legitimate son and heir of +her lord, whose affection for the boy was so conspicuous, that, in +the midst of his own necessities, he never failed to maintain him +in the dress and equipage of a young nobleman. In the course of his +infancy, his father having often changed his place of residence, +the child was put under the instructions of a great many different +schoolmasters, so that he was perfectly well known in a great +many different parts of the kingdom; and his mother seized all +opportunities, which were but rare, on account of his father's orders +to the contrary, of seeing and giving him proofs of her maternal +tenderness, until she set out for England, after having been long +in a declining state of health, by a paralytical disorder; upon the +consequence of which, such dependence was placed by her inconsiderate +husband, who was by this time reduced to extreme poverty, that he +actually married a woman whom he had long kept as a mistress. This +creature no sooner understood that Lady A-- was departed from Ireland, +than she openly avowed her marriage, and went about publicly with +Lord A--, visiting his acquaintances in the character of his wife. + +"From this era may be dated the beginning of Mr. A--'s misfortune. +This artful woman, who had formerly treated the child with an +appearance of fondness, in order to ingratiate herself with the +father, now looking upon herself as sufficiently established in +the family, thought it was high time to alter her behaviour with +regard to the unfortunate boy; and accordingly, for obvious reasons, +employed a thousand artifices to alienate the heart of the weak +father from his unhappy offspring. Yet, notwithstanding all her +insinuations, nature still maintained her influence in his heart; +and though she often found means to irritate him by artful and +malicious accusations, his resentment never extended farther than +fatherly correction. She would have found it impossible to accomplish +his ruin, had not her efforts been reinforced by a new auxiliary, +who was no other than his uncle, the present usurper of his title +and estate; yet even this confederacy was overawed, in some measure, +by the fear of alarming the unfortunate mother, until her distemper +increased to a most deplorable degree of the dead palsy, and the +death of her father had reduced her to a most forlorn and abject +state of distress. Then they ventured upon the execution of their +projects; and, though their aims were widely different, concurred +in their endeavours to remove the hapless boy, as the common obstacle +to both. + +"Lord A-- who, as I have already observed, was a man of weak +intellects, and utterly void of any fixed principle of action, +being by this time reduced to such a pitch of misery, that he was +often obliged to pawn his wearing apparel in order to procure the +common necessaries of life; and having no other fund remaining, +with which he could relieve his present necessities, except a sale +of the reversion of the A-- estate, to which the nonage of his +son was an effectual bar, he was advised by his virtuous brother, +and the rest of his counsellors, to surmount this difficulty, by +secreting his son, and spreading a report of his death. This honest +project he the more readily embraced, because he knew that no act +of his could frustrate the child's succession. Accordingly, the +boy was removed from the school at which he was then boarded, to +the house of one K--, an agent and accomplice of the present earl +of A--, where he was kept for several months closely confined; and, +in the meantime, it was industriously reported that he was dead. + +"This previous measure being taken, Lord A-- published advertisements +in the gazettes, offering reversions of the A-- estate to sale; +and emissaries of various kinds were employed to inveigle such as +were ignorant of the nature of the settlement of these estates, or +strangers to the affairs of his family. Some people, imposed upon +by the report of the child's death, were drawn in to purchase, +thinking themselves safe in the concurrence of his lordship's brother, +upon presumption that he was next in remainder to the succession; +others, tempted by the smallness of the price, which rarely +exceeded half a year's purchase, as appears by many deeds, though +they doubted the truth of the boy's being dead, ran small risks, +on the contingency of his dying before he should be of age, or +in hopes of his being prevailed upon to confirm the grants of his +father; and many more were treating with him on the same notions, +when their transactions were suddenly interrupted, and the scheme +of raising more money for the present, defeated by the unexpected +appearance of the boy, who, being naturally sprightly and impatient +of restraint, had found means to break from his confinement, and +wandered up and down the streets of Dublin, avoiding his father's +house, and choosing to encounter all sorts of distress, rather than +subject himself again to the cruelty and malice of the woman who +supplied his mother's place. Thus debarred his father's protection, +and destitute of any fixed habitation, he herded with all the loose, +idle, and disorderly youths in Dublin, skulking chiefly about the +college, several members and students of which, taking pity on his +misfortunes, supplied him at different times with clothes and money. +In this unsettled and uncomfortable way of life did he remain, from +the year 1725 to the latter end of November, 1727; at which time +his father died, so miserably poor, that he was actually buried at +the public expense. + +"This unfortunate nobleman was no sooner dead, than his brother +Richard, now earl of A--, taking advantage of the nonage and helpless +situation of his nephew, seized upon all the papers of the defunct, +and afterwards usurped the title of Lord A--, to the surprise of +the servants, and others who were acquainted with the affairs of the +family. This usurpation, bold as it was, produced no other effect +than that of his being insulted by the populace as he went through +the streets, and the refusal of the king-at-arms to enrol the +certificate of his brother's having died without issue. The first +of these inconveniences he bore without any sense of shame, though +not without repining, conscious that it would gradually vanish with +the novelty of his invasion; and as to the last, he conquered it +by means well known and obvious. + +"Nor will it seem strange, that he should thus invade the rights +of an orphan with impunity, if people will consider, that the late +Lord A-- had not only squandered away his fortune with the most +ridiculous extravagance, but also associated himself with low company, +so that he was little known, and less regarded, by persons of any +rank and figure in life; and his child, of consequence, debarred of +the advantages which might have accrued from valuable connections. +And though it was universally known, that Lady A-- had a son +in Ireland, such was the obscurity in which the father had lived, +during the last years of his life, that few of the nobility could +be supposed to be acquainted with the particular circumstances of +a transaction in which they had no concern, and which had happened +at the distance of twelve years before the date of this usurpation. +Moreover, as their first information was no other than common fame, +the public clamour occasioned by the separation might inspire such +as were strangers to the family affairs with a mistaken notion of +the child's having been born about or after the time of that event. +The hurry and bustle occasioned by the arrival of the lord-lieutenant +about this period, the reports industriously propagated of the +claimant's death, the obscurity and concealment in which the boy +was obliged to live, in order to elude the wicked attempts of his +uncle, might also contribute to his peaceable enjoyment of an empty +title. And lastly, Lord Chancellor W--, whose immediate province +it was to issue writs for parliament, was an utter stranger in +Ireland, unacquainted with the descents of families, and consequently +did not examine farther than the certificate enrolled in the books +of the king-at-arms. Over and above these circumstances, which +naturally account for the success of the imposture, it may be +observed, that the hapless youth had not one relation alive, on +the side of his father, whose interest it was not to forward or +connive at his destruction; that his grandfather, the duke of B--, +was dead; and that his mother was then in England, in a forlorn, +destitute, dying condition, secreted from the world, and even from +her own relations, by her woman Mary H--, who had a particular +interest to secrete her, and altogether dependent upon a miserable +and precarious allowance from the duchess of B--, to whose caprice +she was moreover a most wretched slave. + +"Notwithstanding these concurring circumstances in favour of +the usurper, he did not think himself secure while the orphan had +any chance of finding a friend who would undertake his cause; and +therefore laid a plan for his being kidnapped, and sent to America +as a slave. His coadjutor in this inhuman scheme was a person who +carried on the trade of transporting servants to our plantations, +and was deeply interested on this occasion, having, for a mere trifle, +purchased of the late Lord A--, the reversion of a considerable +part of the A-- estate, which shameful bargain was confirmed by +the brother, but could never take place, unless the boy could be +effectually removed. + +"Everything being settled with this auxiliary, several ruffians +were employed in search of the unhappy victim; and the first attempt +that was made upon him, in which his uncle personally assisted, +happening near one of the great markets of the city of Dublin, an +honest butcher, with the assistance of his neighbours, rescued him +by force from their cruel hands. This, however, was but a short +respite; for, though warned by this adventure, the boy seldom crept +out of his lurking-places, without the most cautious circumspection, +he was, in March, 1727, discovered by the diligence of his persecutors, +and forcibly dragged on board of a ship bound for Newcastle, on +Delaware river in America, where he was sold as a slave, and kept +to hard labour, much above his age or strength, for the space of +thirteen years, during which he was transferred from one person to +another. + +"While he remained in this servile situation, he often mentioned, +to those in whom he thought such confidence might be placed, the +circumstances of his birth and title, together with the manner +of his being exiled from his native country, although, in this +particular, he neglected a caution which he had received in his +passage, importing that such a discovery would cost him his life. +Meanwhile the usurper quietly enjoyed his right; and to those who +questioned him about his brother's son, constantly replied, that +the boy had been dead for several years. And Arthur, earl of A--, +dying in April 1737, he, upon pretence of being next heir, succeeded +to the honours and estate of that nobleman. + +"The term of the nephew's bondage, which had been lengthened out +beyond the usual time, on account of his repeated attempts to escape, +being expired in the year 1739, he hired himself as a common sailor +in a trading vessel bound to Jamaica; and there, being entered on +board of one of his majesty's ships under the command of Admiral +Vernon, openly declared his parentage and pretensions. This +extraordinary claim, which made a great noise in the fleet, reaching +the ears of one Lieutenant S--, nearly related to the usurper's +Irish wife, he believed the young gentleman to be an impostor; and, +thinking it was incumbent on him to discover the cheat, he went on +board the ship to which the claimant belonged, and, having heard +the account which he gave of himself, was, notwithstanding his +prepossessions, convinced of the truth of what he alleged. On his +return to his own ship, he chanced to mention this extraordinary +affair upon the quarter-deck, in the hearing of Mr. B--, one of +the midshipmen, who had formerly been at school with Mr. A--. This +young gentleman not only told the lieutenant, that he had been +school-fellow with Lord A--'s son, but also declared that he should +know him again, if not greatly altered, as he still retained a +perfect idea of his countenance. + +"Upon this intimation, the lieutenant proposed that the experiment +should be tried; and went with the midshipman on board the ship +that the claimant was on, for that purpose. After all the sailors +had been assembled upon deck, Mr. B--, casting his eyes around, +immediately distinguished Mr. A-- in the crowd, and, laying his +hand on his shoulder, 'This is the man,' said he; affirming, at +the same time, that, while he continued at school with him, the +claimant was reputed and respected as Lord A--'s son and heir, and +maintained in all respects suitable to the dignity of his rank. +Nay, he was, in like manner, recognised by several other persons +in the fleet, who had known him in his infancy. + +"These things being reported to the admiral, he generously ordered +him to be supplied with necessaries, and treated like a gentleman; +and, in his next despatches, transmitted an account of the affair +to the duke of Newcastle, among the other transactions of the fleet. + +"In September or October, 1741, Mr. A-- arrived in London; and +the first person to whom he applied for advice and assistance was +a man of the law, nearly related to the families of A-- and A--, +and well acquainted with the particular affairs of each; who, far +from treating him as a bastard and impostor, received him with +civility and seeming kindness, asked him to eat, presented him +with a piece of money, and, excusing himself from meddling in the +affair, advised him to go to Ireland, as the most proper place for +commencing a suit for the recovery of his right. + +"Before the young gentleman had an opportunity, or indeed any +inclination, to comply with this advice, he was accidentally met +in the street by that same H--, who, as I have mentioned, gave Mr. +M-- the first insight into the affair. This man immediately knew +the claimant, having been formerly an agent for his father, and +afterwards a creature of his uncle's, with whom he was, not without +reason, suspected to be concerned in kidnapping and transporting +his nephew. Be that as it will, his connections with the usurper +were now broken off by a quarrel, in consequence of which he had +thrown up his agency; and he invited the hapless stranger to his +house, with a view of making all possible advantage of such a guest. + +"There he had not long remained, when his treacherous landlord, +tampering with his inexperience, effected a marriage between him +and the daughter of one of his own friends, who lodged in his house +at the same time. But afterwards, seeing no person of consequence +willing to espouse his cause, he looked upon him as an encumbrance, +and wanted to rid his hands of him accordingly. He remembered that +Mr. M-- had expressed himself with all the humanity of apprehension +in favour of the unfortunate young nobleman, before his arrival +in England; and, being well acquainted with the generosity of his +disposition, he no sooner understood that he was returned from +France, than he waited upon him with an account of Mr. A--'s being +safely arrived. Mr. M-- was sincerely rejoiced to find, that a +person who had been so cruelly injured, and undergone so long and +continued a scene of distress, was restored to a country where +he was sure of obtaining justice, and where every good man, as he +imagined, would make the cause his own. And being informed that +the youth was in want of necessaries, he gave twenty guineas to H-- +for his use, and promised to do him all the service in his power; +but had no intention to take upon himself the whole weight of +such an important affair, or indeed to appear in the cause, until +he should be fully and thoroughly satisfied that the claimant's +pretensions were well founded. + +"In the meantime, H-- insinuating that the young gentleman was not +safe in his present lodging from the machinations of his enemies, +M-- accommodated him with an apartment in his own house; where +he was at great pains to remedy the defect in his education, by +rendering him fit to appear as a gentleman in the world. Having +received from him all the intelligence he could give relating to +his own affair, he laid the case before counsel, and despatched a +person to Ireland, to make further inquiries upon the same subject; +who, in his first arrival in that kingdom, found the claimant's +birth was as publicly known as any circumstance of that kind could +possibly be, at so great a distance of time. + +"The usurper and his friends gave all the interruption in their +power to any researches concerning that affair; and had recourse +to every art and expedient that could be invented, to prevent its +being brought to a legal discussion. Privilege, bills in chancery, +orders of court surreptitiously and illegally obtained, and every +other invention was made use of to bar and prevent a fair and +honest trial by a jury. The usurper himself, and his agents, at the +same time that they formed divers conspiracies against his life, +in vain endeavoured to detach Mr. M-- from the orphan's cause, by +innumerable artifices, insinuating, cajoling, and misrepresenting, +with surprising dexterity and perseverance. + +"His protector, far from being satisfied with their reasons, was +not only deaf to their remonstrances, but, believing him in danger +from their repeated efforts, had him privately conveyed into +the country; where an unhappy accident, which he hath ever since +sincerely regretted, furnished his adversary with a colourable +pretext to cut him off in the beginning of his career. + +"A man happening to lose his life by the accidental discharge of a +piece that chanced to be in a young gentleman's hands, the account +of this misfortune no sooner reached the ears of his uncle, than he +expressed the most immoderate joy at having found so good a handle +for destroying him, under colour of law. He immediately constituted +himself prosecutor, set his emissaries at work to secure a coroner's +inquest suited to his cruel purposes; set out for the place in +person, to take care that the prisoner should not escape; insulted +him in jail, in the most inhuman manner; employed a whole army of +attorneys and agents, to spirit up and carry on a most virulent +prosecution; practised all the unfair methods that could he +invented, in order that the unhappy gentleman should be transported +to Newgate, from the healthy prison to which he was at first +committed; endeavoured to inveigle him into destructive confessions; +and, not to mention other more infamous arts employed in the affair +of evidence, attempted to surprise him upon his trial in the absence +of his witnesses and counsel, contrary to a previous agreement +with the prosecutor's own attorney. Nay, he even appeared in person +upon the bench at the trial, in order to intimidate the evidence, +and browbeat the unfortunate prisoner at the bar, and expended above +a thousand pounds in that prosecution. In spite of all his wicked +efforts, however, which were defeated by the spirit and indefatigable +industry of Mr. M--, the young gentleman was honourably acquitted, +to the evident satisfaction of all the impartial; the misfortune, +that gave a handle for that unnatural prosecution, appearing to a +demonstration to have been a mere accident. + +"In a few months, his protector, who had now openly espoused his +cause, taking with him two gentlemen to witness his transactions, +conducted him to his native country, with a view to be better +informed of the strength of his pretensions, than he could be by +the intelligence he had hitherto received, or by the claimant's +own dark and almost obliterated remembrance of the facts which were +essential to be known. Upon their arrival in Dublin, application was +made to those persons whom Mr. A-- had named as his schoolmasters +and companions, together with the servants and neighbours of his +father. These, though examined separately, without having the least +previous intimation of what the claimant had reported, agreed in +their accounts with him, as well as with one another, and mentioned +many other people as acquainted with the same facts, to whom Mr. +M-- had recourse, and still met with the same unvaried information. +By these means, he made such progress in his inquiries, that, +in less than two months, no fewer than one hundred persons, from +different quarters of the kingdom, either personally, or by letters, +communicated their knowledge of the claimant, in declarations +consonant with one another, as well as with the accounts he gave of +himself. Several servants who had lived with his father, and been +deceived with the story of his death, so industriously propagated +by his uncle, no sooner heard of his being in Dublin, than they +came from different parts of the country to see him; and though +great pains were taken to deceive them, they, nevertheless, knew +him at first sight; some of them fell upon their knees to thank +for his preservation, embraced his legs, and shed tears of joy for +his return. + +"Although the conduct of his adversary, particularly in +the above-mentioned prosecution, together with the evidence that +already appeared, were sufficient to convince all mankind of the +truth of the claimant's pretensions, Mr. M--, in order to be further +satisfied, resolved to see how he would be received upon the spot +where he was born; justly concluding, that if he was really an +impostor, the bastard of a kitchen-wench, produced in a country +entirely possessed by his enemy and his allies, he must be looked +upon in that place with the utmost detestation and contempt. + +"This his intention was no sooner known to the adverse party, than +their agents and friends from all quarters repaired to that place +with all possible despatch, and used all their influence with the +people, in remonstrances, threats, and all the other arts they could +devise, not only to discountenance the claimant upon his arrival, +but even to spirit up a mob to insult him. Notwithstanding these +precautions, and the servile awe and subjection in which tenants +are kept by their landlords in that part of the country, as soon +as it was known that Mr. A-- approached the town, the inhabitants +crowded out in great multitudes to receive and welcome him, and +accompanied him into town, with acclamations, and other expressions +of joy, insomuch that the agents of his adversary durst not show +their faces. The sovereign of the corporation, who was a particular +creature and favourite of the usurper, and whose all depended upon +the issue of the cause, was so conscious of the stranger's right, +and so much awed by the behaviour of the people, who knew that +consciousness, that he did not think it safe even to preserve the +appearance of neutrality upon this occasion, but actually held the +stirrup while Mr. A-- dismounted from his horse. + +"This sense of conviction in the people manifested itself still +more powerfully when he returned to the same place in the year +1744, about which time Lord A-- being informed of his resolution, +determined again to be beforehand with him, and set out in person, +with his agents and friends, some of whom were detached before him +to prepare for his reception, and induced the people to meet him +in a body, and accompany him to town, with such expressions of +welcome as they had before bestowed on his nephew; but, in spite +of all their art and interest, he was suffered to pass through the +street in a mournful silence; and though several barrels of beer +were produced to court the favour of the populace, they had no +other effect than that of drawing their ridicule upon the donor, +whereas, when Mr. A--, two days afterwards, appeared, all the +inhabitants, with garlands, streamers, music, and other ensigns of +joy, crowded out to meet him, and ushered him into town with such +demonstrations of pleasure and goodwill, that the noble peer found it +convenient to hide himself from the resentment of his own tenants, +the effects of which he must have severely felt, had not he been +screened by the timely remonstrances of Mr. M--, and the other +gentlemen who accompanied his competitor. + +"Nor did his apprehension vanish with the transaction of this day; +the town was again in uproar on the Sunday following, when it +was known that Mr. A-- intended to come thither from Dunmain to +church; they went out to meet him as before, and conducted him to +the church door with acclamations, which terrified his uncle to +such a degree, that he fled with precipitation in a boat, and soon +after entirely quitted the place. + +"It would be almost an endless task to enumerate the particular +steps that were taken by one side to promote, and by the other to +delay, the trial. The young gentleman's adversaries finding that +they could not, by all the subterfuges and arts they had used, +evade it, repeated attempts were made to assassinate him and his +protector; and every obstruction thrown in the way of his cause +which craft could invent, villainy execute, and undue influence +confirm. But all these difficulties were surmounted by the vigilance, +constancy, courage, and sagacity of M--; and, at last, the affair +was brought to a very solemn trial at bar, which being continued, +by several adjournments, from the eleventh to the twenty-fifth +day of November, a verdict was found for the claimant by a jury +of gentlemen, which, in point of reputation and property, cannot +be easily paralleled in the annals of that or any other country; +a jury, that could by no means be suspected of prepossessions in +favour of Mr. A--, to whose person they were absolute strangers; +especially if we consider, that a gentleman in their neighbourhood, +who was nephew to the foreman, and nearly related to some of the +rest of their number, forfeited a considerable estate by their +decision. + +"This verdict," said the parson, "gave the highest satisfaction to +all impartial persons that were within reach of being duly informed +of their proceedings, and of the different genius and conduct of +the parties engaged in the contest, but more especially to such as +were in court, as I was, at the trial, and had an opportunity of +observing the characters and behaviour of the persons who appeared +there to give evidence. To such it was very apparent, that all the +witnesses produced there on the part of the uncle, were either his +tenants, dependents, pot-companions, or persons some way or other +interested in the issue of the suit, and remarkable for a low kind +of cunning; that many of them were persons of profligate lives, +who deserved no credit; that, independent of the levity of their +characters, those of them who went under the denomination of +colonels, Colonel L-- alone excepted, who had nothing to say, and +was only brought there in order to give credit to that party, made +so ridiculous a figure, and gave so absurd, contradictory, and +inconsistent an evidence, as no court or jury could give the least +degree of credit to. On the other hand, it was observed, that the +nephew and Mr. M--, his chief manager, being absolute strangers in +that country, and unacquainted with the characters of the persons +they had to deal with, were obliged to lay before the court and jury +such evidence as came to their hand, some of whom plainly appeared +to have been put upon them by their adversaries with a design to +hurt. It was also manifest, that the witnesses produced for Mr. +A--, were such as could have no manner of connection with him, nor +any dependence whatsoever upon him, to influence their evidence; for +the far greatest part of them had never seen him from his infancy +till the trial began; and many of them, though poor, and undignified +with the title of colonels, were people of unblemished character, +of great simplicity, and such as no man in his senses would pitch +upon to support a bad cause. It is plain that the jury, whose +well-known honour, impartiality, and penetration, must be revered +by all who are acquainted with them, were not under the least +difficulty about their verdict; for they were not enclosed above +half an hour, when they returned with it. These gentlemen could +not help observing the great inequality of the parties engaged, the +great advantages that the uncle had in every other respect, except +the truth and justice of his case, over the nephew, by means of +his vast possessions, and of his power and influence all round the +place of his birth; nor could the contrast between the different +geniuses of the two parties escape their observation. They could not +but see and conclude, that a person who had confessedly transported +and sold his orphan nephew into slavery,--who, on his return, had +carried on so unwarrantable and cruel a prosecution to take away +his life under colour of law,--and who had also given such glaring +proofs of his skill and dexterity in the management of witnesses +for that cruel purpose,--was in like manner capable of exerting the +same happy talent on this occasion, when his all was at stake; more +especially, as he had so many others who were equally interested +with himself, and whose abilities in that respect fell nothing +short of his own, to second him in it. The gentlemen of the jury +had also a near view of the manner in which the witnesses delivered +their testimonies, and had from thence an opportunity of observing +many circumstances, and distinguishing characteristics of truth and +falsehood, from which a great deal could be gathered, that could +not be adequately conveyed by any printed account, how exact soever; +consequently, they must have been much better judges of the evidence +on which they founded their verdict than any person who had not +the same opportunity, can possibly be. + +"These, Mr. Pickle, were my reflections on what I had occasion to +observe concerning that famous trial; and, on my return to England +two years after, I could not help pitying the self-sufficiency of +some people, who, at this distance, pretended to pass their judgment +on that verdict with as great positiveness as if they had been +in the secrets of the cause, or upon the jury who tried it; and +that from no better authority than the declamations of Lord A--'s +emissaries, and some falsified printed accounts, artfully cooked +up on purpose to mislead and deceive. + +"But to return from this digression. Lord A--, the defendant in that +cause, was so conscious of the strength and merits of his injured +nephew's case, and that a verdict would go against him, that he +ordered a writ of error to be made out before the trial was ended; +and the verdict was no sooner given, than he immediately lodged +it, though he well knew he had no manner of error to assign. This +expedient was practised merely for vexation and delay, in order +to keep Mr. A-- from the possession of the small estate he had +recovered by the verdict, that, his slender funds being exhausted, +he might be deprived of other means to prosecute his right; and by +the most oppressive contrivances and scandalous chicanery, it has +been kept up to this day, without his being able to assign the +least shadow of any error. + +"Lord A-- was not the only antagonist that Mr. A-- had to deal +with; all the different branches of the A-- family, who had been +worrying one another at law ever since the death of the late earl +of A--, about the partition of his great estate, were now firmly +united in an association against this unfortunate gentleman; mutual +deeds were executed among them, by which many great lordships and +estates were given up by the uncle to persons who had no right to +possess them, in order to engage them to side with him against his +nephew, in withholding the unjust possession of the remainder. + +"These confederates having held several consultations against their +common enemy, and finding that his cause gathered daily strength +since the trial, by the accession of many witnesses of figure and +reputation, who had not been heard of before, and that the only +chance they had to prevent the speedy establishment of his right, +and their own destruction, was by stripping Mr. M-- of the little +money that yet remained, and by stopping all further resources +whereby he might be enabled to proceed; they therefore came to a +determined resolution to carry that hopeful scheme into execution; +and, in pursuance thereof, they have left no expedient or stratagem, +how extraordinary or scandalous soever, unpractised, to distress +Mr. A-- and that gentleman. For that end, all the oppressive arts +and dilatory expensive contrivances that the fertile invention of +the lowest pettifoggers of the law could possibly devise, have with +dexterity been played off against them, in fruitless quibbling, +and malicious suits, entirely foreign to the merits of the cause. +Not to mention numberless other acts of oppression, the most +extraordinary and unprecedented proceeding, by means whereof this +sham writ of error hath been kept on foot ever since November, 1743, +is to me," said the doctor, "a most flagrant instance not only of +the prevalency of power and money, when employed, as in the present +case, against an unfortunate helpless man, disabled, as he is, of +the means of ascertaining his right, but of the badness of a cause +that hath recourse to so many iniquitous expedients to support it. + +"In a word, the whole conduct of Lord A-- and his party, from the +beginning to this time, hath been such as sufficiently manifests +that it could proceed from no other motives than a consciousness +of Mr. A--'s right, and of their own illegal usurpations, and from +a terror of trusting the merits of their case to a fair discussion +by the laws of their country; and that the intention and main drift +of all their proceedings plainly tends to stifle and smother the +merits of the case from the knowledge of the world, by oppressive +arts and ingenious delays, rather than trust it to the candid +determination of an honest jury. What else could be the motives of +kidnapping the claimant, and transporting him when an infant? of +the various attempts made upon his life since his return? of the +attempts to divest him of all assistance to ascertain his right, +by endeavouring so solicitously to prevail on Mr. M-- to abandon +him in the beginning? of retaining an army of counsel before any +suit had been commenced? of the many sinister attempts to prevent +the trial at bar? of the various arts made use of to terrify any +one from appearing as witness for the claimant, and to seduce those +who had appeared? of the shameless, unprecedented, low tricks now +practised, to keep him out of the possession of that estate for which +he had obtained the verdict, thereby to disable him from bringing +his cause to a further hearing; and of the attempts made to buy +up Mr. M--'s debts, and to spirit up suits against him? Is it not +obvious from all these circumstances, as well as from the obstruction +they have given to the attorney-general's proceeding to make a +report to his majesty on the claimant's petition to the king for +the peerage, which was referred by his majesty to that gentleman, +so far back as 1743, that all their efforts are bent to that one +point, of stifling, rather than suffering the merits of this cause +to come to a fair and candid hearing; and that the sole consideration +at present between them and this unfortunate man is not whether he +is right or wrong, but whether he shall or shall not find money to +bring this cause to a final determination? + +"Lord A-- and his confederates, not thinking themselves safe +with all these expedients, while there was a possibility of their +antagonist's obtaining any assistance from such as humanity, +compassion, generosity, or a love of justice, might induce to lay +open their purses to his assistance in ascertaining his right, have, +by themselves and their numerous emissaries, employed all the arts +of calumny, slander, and detraction against him, by traducing his +cause, vilifying his person, and most basely and cruelly tearing +his character to pieces, by a thousand misrepresentations, purposely +invented and industriously propagated in all places of resort, +which is a kind of cowardly assassination that there is no guarding +against; yet, in spite of all these machinations, and the shameful +indifference of mankind, who stand aloof unconcerned, and see this +unhappy gentleman most inhumanly oppressed by the weight of lawless +power and faction, M--, far from suffering himself to be dejected +by the multiplying difficulties that crowd upon him, still exerts +himself with amazing fortitude and assiduity, and will, I doubt +not, bring the affair he began and carried on with so much spirit, +while his finances lasted, to a happy conclusion. + +"It would exceed the bounds of my intention, and, perhaps, trespass +too much upon your time, were I to enumerate the low artifices and +shameful quibbles by which the usurper has found means to procrastinate +the decision of the contest between him and his hapless nephew, +or to give a detail of the damage and perplexity which Mr. M-- has +sustained, and been involved in, by the treachery and ingratitude +of some who listed themselves under him in the prosecution of this +affair; and by the villainy of others, who, under various pretences +of material discoveries they had to make, etc., had fastened +themselves upon him, and continued to do all the mischief in their +power, until the cloven foot was detected. + +"One instance, however, is so flagrantly flagitious, that I cannot +resist the inclination I feel to relate it, as an example of the +most infernal perfidy that perhaps ever entered the human heart. I +have already mentioned the part which H--n acted in the beginning +of M--'s connection with the unfortunate stranger, and hinted that +the said H-- lay under many obligations to that gentleman before +Mr. A--'s arrival in England. He had been chief agent to Lord A--, +and, as it afterwards appeared, received several payments of a +secret pension which that lord enjoyed, for which he either could +not or would not account. His lordship, therefore, in order to +compel him to it, took out writs against him, and his house was +continually surrounded with catchpoles for the space of two whole +years. + +"Mr. M-- believing, from H--'s own account of the matter, +that the poor man was greatly injured, and prosecuted on account +of his attachment to the unhappy young gentleman, did him all the +good offices in his power, and became security for him on several +occasions; nay, such was his opinion of his integrity, that, after +Mr. A-- was cleared of the prosecution carried on against him by +his uncle, his person was entrusted to the care of this hypocrite, +who desired that the young gentleman might lodge at his house for +the convenience of air, M--'s own occasions calling him often into +the country. + +"Having thus, by his consummate dissimulation, acquired such a +valuable charge, he wrote a letter to one of Lord A--'s attorneys, +offering to betray Mr. A--, provided his lordship would settle +his account, and give him a discharge for eight hundred pounds of +the pension which he had received and not accounted for. Mr. M--, +informed of this treacherous proposal, immediately removed his +lodger from his house into his own, without assigning his reasons +for so doing, until he was obliged to declare it, in order to free +himself from the importunities of H--, who earnestly solicited his +return. This miscreant finding himself detected and disappointed +in his villainous design, was so much enraged at his miscarriage, +that, forgetting all the benefits he had received from M-- for +a series of years, he practised all the mischief that his malice +could contrive against him; and at length entered into a confederacy +with one G--, and several other abandoned wretches, who, as before +said, under various pretences of being able to make material +discoveries, and otherwise to serve the cause, had found means to +be employed in some extra business relating to it, though their +real intention was to betray the claimant. + +"These confederates, in conjunction with some other auxiliaries of +infamous character, being informed that Mr. M-- was on the point of +securing a considerable sum, to enable him to prosecute Mr. A--'s +right, and to bring it to a happy conclusion, contrived a deep-laid +scheme to disappoint him in it, and at once to ruin the cause. +And, previous measures being taken for that wicked purpose, they +imposed upon the young gentleman's inexperience and credulity by +insinuations equally false, plausible, and malicious; to which they +at length gained his belief, by the mention of some circumstances +that gave what they alleged an air of probability, and even of truth. +They swore that Mr. M-- had taken out an action against him for a +very large sum of money; that they had actually seen the writ; that +the intention of it was to throw him into prison for life, and ruin +his cause, in consequence of an agreement made by him with Lord +A--, and his other enemies, to retrieve the money that he had laid +out in the cause. + +"This plausible tale was enforced with such an air of truth, +candour, and earnest concern for his safety, and was strengthened +by so many imprecations and corroborating circumstances of their +invention, as would have staggered one of much greater experience +and knowledge of mankind than Mr. A-- could be supposed at that time +to possess. The notion of perpetual imprisonment, and the certain +ruin they made him believe his cause was threatened with, worked +upon his imagination to such a degree, that he suffered himself to +be led like a lamb to the slaughter by this artful band of villains, +who secreted him at the lodgings of one P--, an intimate of G--'s, +for several days, under colour of his being hunted by bailiffs +employed by Mr. M--, where he was not only obliged by them to change +his name, but even his wife was not suffered to have access to him. + +"Their design was to have sold him, or drawn him into a ruinous +compromise with his adversaries, for a valuable consideration to +themselves. But as no ties are binding among such a knot of villains, +the rest of the conspirators were jockeyed by G--, who, in order +to monopolize the advantage to himself, hurried his prize into the +country, and secreted him even from his confederates, in a place of +concealment one hundred miles from London, under the same ridiculous +pretence of M--'s having taken out a writ against him, and of +bailiffs being in pursuit of him everywhere round London. + +"He was no sooner there, than G--, as a previous step to the other +villainy he intended, tricked him out of a bond for six thousand +pounds, under colour of his having a person ready to advance the +like sum upon it, as an immediate fund for carrying on his cause; +assuring him, at the same time, that he had a set of gentlemen +ready, who were willing to advance twenty-five thousand pounds more +for the same purpose, and to allow him five hundred pounds a year +for his maintenance, till his cause should be made an end of, +provided that Mr. M-- should have no further concern with him and +his cause. + +"Mr. A--, having by this time received some intimations of the deceit +that had been put upon him, made answer, that he should look upon +himself as a very ungrateful monster indeed, if he deserted a +person who had saved his life, and so generously ventured his own, +together with his fortune, in his cause, until he should first be +certain of the truth of what was alleged of him, and absolutely +rejected the proposal. G--, who had no other view in making it, +than to cover the secret villainy he meditated against him, and to +facilitate the execution thereof, easily receded from it, when he +found Mr. A-- so averse to it, and undertook nevertheless to raise +the money, adding, that he might, if he pleased, return to Mr. +M-- whenever it was secured. The whole drift of this pretended +undertaking to raise the twenty-five thousand pounds, was only to +lay a foundation for a dexterous contrivance to draw Mr. A-- unwarily +into the execution of a deed, relinquishing all his right and +title, under a notion of its being a deed to secure the repayment +of that sum. + +"G-- having, as he imagined, so far paved the way for the execution +of such a deed, enters into an agreement with an agent, employed +for that purpose by Mr. A--'s adversaries, purporting that in +consideration of the payment of a bond for six thousand pounds, +which he, G--, had, as he pretended, laid out in Mr. A--'s cause, +and of an annuity of seven hundred pounds a year, he was to procure +for them from Mr. A-- a deed ready executed, relinquishing all right +and title to the A-- estate and honours. Everything being prepared +for the execution of this infernal scheme, unknown to Mr. A--, G-- +then thought proper to send for him to town from his retirement, +in order, as he pretended, to execute a security of twenty-five +thousand pounds. + +"This intended victim to that villain's avarice no sooner arrived +in town, full of hopes of money to carry on his cause, and of agreeably +surprising his friend and protector Mr. M--, with so seasonable and +unexpected a reinforcement, than an unforeseen difficulty arose, +concerning the payment of G--'s six-thousand-pound bond. That money +was to have been raised out of the estate of a lunatic, which could +not be done without the leave of the Court of Chancery, to whom +an account must have been given of the intended application of +it. While preparations were making to rectify this omission, G-- +immediately carried Mr. A-- again into the country, lest he should +happen to be undeceived by some means or other. + +"In the meantime, this wicked machination was providentially +discovered by Mr. M--, before it could be carried into execution, +by means of the jealousies that arose among the conspirators +themselves; and was, at the same time, confirmed to him by a person +whom the very agent for the A-- party had entrusted with the secret. +M-- no sooner detected it, than he communicated his discovery to +one of Mr. A--'s counsel, a man of great worth, and immediately +thereupon took proper measures to defeat it. He then found means to +lay open to Mr. A-- himself the treacherous scheme that was laid +for his destruction. He was highly sensible of it, and could never +afterwards reflect on the snare that he had so unwarily been drawn +into, and had so narrowly escaped, without a mixture of horror, +shame, and gratitude to his deliverer. + +"The consummate assurance of the monsters who were engaged in +this plot, after they had been detected, and upbraided with their +treachery, is scarce to be paralleled; for they not only owned +the fact of spiriting Mr. A-- away in the manner above mentioned, +but justified their doing it as tending to his service. They also +maintained, that they had actually secured the twenty-five thousand +pounds for him, though they never could name any one person who was +to have advanced the money. No man was more active in this scheme +than H--, nor any man more solicitous to keep Mr. A-- up in the +false impressions he had received, or in projecting methods to ruin +his protector, than he. + +"Among many other expedients for that purpose, a most malicious +attempt was made to lodge an information against him, for treasonable +practices, with the secretary of state, notwithstanding the repeated +proofs he had given of his loyalty; and, as a preparatory step to +his accusation, a letter, which this traitor dictated, was copied +by another person, and actually sent to the earl of C--, importing, +that the person who copied the letter had an affair of consequence +to communicate to his lordship, if he would appoint a time of +receiving the information. But that person, upon full conviction of +the villainy of the scheme, absolutely refused to proceed further +in it; so that his malice once more proved abortive; and before he +had time to execute any other contrivance of the same nature, he +was imprisoned in this very jail for debt. + +"Here, finding his creditors inexorable, and himself destitute of +all other resource, he made application to the very man whom he +had injured in such an outrageous manner, set forth his deplorable +case in the most pathetic terms, and entreated him, with the most +abject humility, to use his influence in his behalf. The distress +of this varlet immediately disarmed M-- of his resentment, and +even excited his compassion. Without sending any answer to his +remonstrances, he interceded for him with his creditors; and the +person to whom he was chiefly indebted, refusing to release him +without security, this unwearied benefactor joined with the prisoner +in a bond for above two hundred and forty pounds, for which he +obtained his release. + +"He was no sooner discharged, however, than he entered into fresh +combinations with G-- and others, in order to thwart his deliverer +in his schemes of raising money, and otherwise to distress and +deprive him of liberty; for which purpose, no art or industry, +perjury not excepted, hath been spared. And, what is still more +extraordinary, this perfidious monster having found money to take +up the bond, in consequence of which he regained his freedom, hath +procured a writ against M--, upon that very obligation; and taken +assignments to some other debts of that gentleman, with the same +Christian intention. But hitherto he hath, by surprising sagacity +and unshaken resolution, baffled all their infernal contrivances, +and retorted some of their machinations on their own heads. At this +time, when he is supposed by some, and represented by others, as +under the circumstances of oblivion and despondence, he proceeds +in his design with the utmost calmness and intrepidity, meditating +schemes, and ripening measures, that will one day confound his +enemies, and attract the notice and admiration of mankind." + +Peregrine, having thanked the priest for his obliging information, +expressed his surprise at the scandalous inattention of the world +to an affair of such importance; observing, that, by such inhuman +neglect, this unfortunate young gentleman, Mr. A--, was absolutely +deprived of all the benefit of society; the sole end of which is, +to protect the rights, redress the grievances, and promote the +happiness of individuals. As for the character of M--, he said, it +was so romantically singular in all its circumstances, that, though +other motives were wanting, curiosity alone would induce him to seek +his acquaintance. But he did not at all wonder at the ungrateful +returns which had been made to his generosity by H-- and many +others, whom he had served in a manner that few, besides himself, +would have done; for he had been long convinced of the truth conveyed +in these lines of a celebrated Italian author:-- + +Li beneficii che, per la loro grandezza, non ponno esser guiderdonati, +con la scelerata moneta dell' ingratitudine sono pagati. + +"The story which you have related of that young gentleman," said +he, "bears a very strong resemblance to the fate of a Spanish +nobleman, as it was communicated to me by one of his own intimate +friends at Paris. The Countess d'Alvarez died immediately after +the birth of a son, and the husband surviving her but three years, +the child was left sole heir to the honours and estate, under the +guardianship of his uncle, who had a small fortune and a great many +children. This inhuman relation, coveting the wealth of his infant +ward, formed a design against the life of the helpless orphan, +and trusted the execution of it to his valet-de-chambre, who was +tempted to undertake the murder by the promise of a considerable +reward. He accordingly stabbed the boy with a knife in three different +places, on the right side of his neck; but, as he was not used to +such barbarous attempts, his hand failed in the performance; and +he was seized with such remorse, that, perceiving the wounds were +not mortal, he carried the hapless victim to the house of a surgeon, +by whose care they were healed; and, in the meantime, that he might +not forfeit his recompense, found means to persuade his employer, +that his orders were performed. A bundle being made up for the +purpose, was publicly interred as the body of the child, who was +said to have been suddenly carried off by a convulsion; and the +uncle, without opposition, succeeded to his honours and estate. The +boy being cured of his hurts, was, about the age of six, delivered, +with a small sum of money, to a merchant just embarking for Turkey; +who was given to understand, that he was the bastard of a man of +quality and that for family reasons, it was necessary to conceal +his birth. + +"While the unfortunate orphan remained in this deplorable state of +bondage, all the children of the usurper died one after another; +and he himself being taken dangerously ill, attributed all his +afflictions to the just judgment of God, and communicated his anxiety +on that subject to the valet-de-chambre, who had been employed +in the murder of his nephew. That domestic, in order to quiet his +master's conscience, and calm the perturbation of his spirits, +confessed what he had done, and gave him hopes of still finding the +boy by dint of industry and expense. The unhappy child being the +only hope of the family of Alvarez, the uncle immediately ordered +a minute inquiry to be set on foot; in consequence of which he was +informed, that the orphan had been sold to a Turk, who had afterwards +transferred him to an English merchant, by whom he was conveyed to +London. + +"An express was immediately despatched to this capital, where +he understood that the unhappy exile had, in consideration of his +faithful services, been bound apprentice to a French barber-surgeon; +and, after he had sufficiently qualified himself in that profession, +been received into the family of the Count de Gallas, at that time +the emperor's ambassador at the court of London. From the house of +this nobleman he was traced into the service of Count d'Oberstorf, +where he had married his lady's chambermaid, and then gone to settle +as a surgeon in Bohemia. + +"In the course of these inquiries, several years elapsed: his +uncle, who was very much attached to the house of Austria, lived +at Barcelona when the father of this empress-queen resided in +that city, and lent him a very considerable sum of money in the +most pressing emergency of his affairs; and when that prince was +on the point of returning to Germany, the old count, finding his +end approaching, sent his father confessor to his majesty, with +a circumstantial account of the barbarity he had practised against +his nephew, for which he implored forgiveness, and begged he +would give orders, that the orphan, when found, should inherit the +dignities and fortune which he had unjustly usurped. + +"His majesty assured the old man, that he might make himself easy +on that score, and ordered the confessor to follow him to Vienna, +immediately after the count's death, in order to assist his endeavours +in finding out the injured heir. The priest did not fail to yield +obedience to this command. He informed himself of certain natural +marks on the young count's body, which were known to the nurse and +women who attended him in his infancy; and, with a gentleman whom +the emperor ordered to accompany him, set out for Bohemia, where he +soon found the object of his inquiry, in the capacity of major-domo +to a nobleman of that country, he having quitted his profession of +surgery for that office. + +"He was not a little surprised, when he found himself circumstantially +catechised about the particulars of his life, by persons commissioned +for that purpose by the emperor. He told them, that he was absolutely +ignorant of his own birth, though he had been informed, during his +residence in Turkey, that he was the bastard of a Spanish grandee, +and gave them a minute detail of the pilgrimage he had undergone. +This information agreeing with the intelligence which the priest +had already received, and being corroborated by the marks upon his +body, and the very scars of the wounds which had been inflicted +upon him in his infancy, the confessor, without further hesitation, +saluted him by the name of Count d'Alvarez, grandee of Spain, and +explained the whole mystery of his fortune. + +"If he was agreeably amazed at this explanation, the case was +otherwise with his wife, who thought herself in great danger of +being abandoned by a husband of such high rank; but he immediately +dispelled her apprehension, by assuring her, that, as she had shared +in his adversity, she should also partake of his good fortune. He +set out immediately for Vienna, to make his acknowledgments to the +emperor, who favoured him with a very gracious reception, promised +to use his influence, so that he might enjoy the honours and estate +of his family; and in the meantime acknowledged himself his debtor +for four hundred thousand florins, which he had borrowed from +his uncle. He threw himself at the feet of his august protector, +expressed the most grateful sense of his goodness, and begged +he might be permitted to settle in some of his imperial majesty's +dominions. This request was immediately granted; he was allowed +to purchase land in any part of the hereditary dominions of the +house of Austria, to the amount of the sum I have mentioned; and +made choice of the country of Ratibor, in Silesia, where, in all +probability, he still resides." + +Peregrine had scarce finished the narrative, when he perceived Mr. +M-- slip something into the hand of the young man with whom he had +been conversing at the other end of the room, and rise up from the +table in order to take his leave. He at once understood the meaning +of this conveyance, and longed for an opportunity to be acquainted +with such a rare instance of primitive benevolence; but the +consciousness of his present situation hindered him from making +any advance that might be construed into forwardness or presumption. + + + + + +CHAPTER XCIX. + + + + +He is surprised with the Appearance of Hatchway and Pipes, who +take up their Habitation in his Neighbourhood, contrary to his +Inclination and express Desire. + + +Being now regularly initiated in the mysteries of the Fleet, and +reconciled in some measure to the customs of the place, he began +to bear the edge of reflection without wincing; and thinking it +would be highly imprudent in him to defer any longer the purposes +by which only he could enjoy any ease and satisfaction in his +confinement, he resolved to resume his task of translating, and +every week compose an occasional paper, by way of revenge upon +the minister, against whom he had denounced eternal war. With this +view, he locked himself up in his chamber, and went to work with +great eagerness and application, when he was interrupted by a ticket +porter, who, putting a letter in his hand, vanished in a moment, +before he had time to peruse the contents. + +Our hero, opening the billet, was not a little surprised to find +a bank-note for fifty pounds, enclosed in a blank sheet of paper; +and, having exercised his memory and penetration on the subject of +this unexpected windfall, had just concluded, that it could come +from no other hand than the lady who had so kindly visited him a few +days before, when his ears were suddenly invaded by the well-known +sound of that whistle which always hung about the neck of Pipes, +as a memorial of his former occupation. This tune being performed, +he heard the noise of a wooden leg ascending the stair; upon which +he opened his door, and beheld his friend Hatchway, with his old +shipmate at his back. + +After a cordial shake of the hand, with the usual salutation of, +"What cheer, cousin Pickle?" honest Jack seated himself without +ceremony; and casting his eyes around the apartment, "Split my +top-staysail," said he, with an arch sneer, "you have got into a +snug berth, cousin. Here you may sit all weathers, without being +turned out to take your watch, and no fear of the ship's dragging +her anchor. You han't much room to spare, 'tis true: an' I had known +as how you stowed so close, Tom should have slung my own hammock +for you, and then you mought have knocked down this great lubberly +hurricane house. But, mayhap, you turn in double, and so you don't +choose to trust yourself and your doxy to a clue and canvas." + +Pickle bore his jokes with great good-humour, rallied him in his +turn about the dairy-maid at the garrison; inquiring about his +friends in the country, asked if he had been to visit his niece, +and, finally, expressed a desire of knowing the cause of his +journey to London. The lieutenant satisfied his curiosity in all +these particulars; and, in answer to the last question, observed +that, from the information of Pipes, understanding he was land-locked, +he had come from the country in order to tow him into the offing. +"I know not how the wind sets," said he, "but if so be as three +thousand pounds will bring you clear of the cape, say the word, +and you shan't lie wind-bound another glass for want of the money." + +This was an offer which few people in our hero's situation would +have altogether refused, especially as he had all the reason in the +world to believe, that, far from being a vain unmeaning compliment, +it was the genuine tribute of friendship, which the lieutenant +would have willingly, ay, and with pleasure, paid. Nevertheless, +Peregrine peremptorily refused his assistance, though not without +expressing himself in terms of acknowledgment suitable to the +occasion. He told him, it would be time enough to make use of his +generosity, when he should find himself destitute of all other +resource. Jack employed all his rhetoric, with a view of persuading +him to take this opportunity to procure his own enlargement; and, +finding his arguments ineffectual, insisted upon his accepting an +immediate supply for his necessary occasions; swearing with great +vehemence, that he would never return to the garrison, unless he +would put him upon the footing of any other tenant, and receive +his rent accordingly. + +Our young gentleman as positively swore, that he never would consider +him in that light; remonstrating, that he had long ago settled the +house upon him for life, as a pledge of his own esteem, as well as +in conformity with the commodore's desire; and beseeching him to +return to his usual avocations, protested that, if ever his situation +should subject him to the necessity of borrowing from his friends, +Mr. Hatchway should be the first man to whom he would apply himself +for succour. To convince him that this was not the case at present, +he produced the bank-note which he had received in the letter, +together with his own ready money; and mentioned some other funds, +which he invented extempore, in order to amuse the lieutenant's +concern. In the close of this expostulation, he desired Pipes +to conduct Mr. Hatchway to the coffee-house, where he might amuse +himself with the newspaper for half an hour; during which he would +put on his clothes, and bespeak something for dinner, that they +might enjoy each other's company as long as his occasions would +permit him to stay in that place. + +The two sailors were no sooner gone, than he took up the pen, and +wrote the following letter, in which he enclosed the bank-note to +his generous benefactress: + + Madam,--Your humanity is not more ingenious than my + suspicion. In vain you attempt to impose upon me by an + act of generosity, which no person on earth but your + ladyship is capable of committing. Though your name was + not subscribed on the paper, your sentiments were fully + displayed in the contents, which I must beg leave to + restore, with the same sense of gratitude, and for the + same reasons I expressed when last I had the honour to + converse with you upon this subject. Though I am deprived + of my liberty by the villainy and ingratitude of mankind, + I am not yet destitute of the other conveniences of life; + and therefore beg to be excused for incurring an unnecessary + addition to that load of obligation you have already laid + upon, madam, your ladyship's most devoted, humble servant, + "Peregrine Pickle." + +Having dressed himself, and repaired to the place of appointment, +he despatched this epistle by the hands of Pipes, who was ordered +to leave it at her ladyship's house, without staying for an answer; +and in the meantime gave directions for dinner, which he and his +friend Hatchway ate very cheerfully in his own apartment, after +he had entertained him with a sight of all the curiosities in the +place. During their repast, Jack repeated his kind offers to our +adventurer, who declined them with his former obstinacy, and begged +he might be no more importuned on that subject; but if he insisted +upon giving some fresh proofs of his friendship, he might have an +opportunity of exhibiting it in taking Pipes under his care and +protection; for nothing affected him so much as his inability to +provide for such a faithful adherent. + +The lieutenant desired he would give himself no trouble upon that +score; he being, of his own accord, perfectly well disposed to +befriend his old shipmate, who should never want while he had a +shilling to spare. But he began to drop some hints of an intention +to fix his quarters in the Fleet, observing, that the air seemed +to be very good in that place, and that he was tired of living in +the country. What he said did not amount to a plain declaration, and +therefore Peregrine did not answer it as such, though he perceived +his drift; and took an opportunity of describing the inconveniences +of the place, in such a manner as, he hoped, would deter him from +putting such an extravagant plan in execution. + +This expedient, however, far from answering the end proposed, had +a quite contrary effect, and furnished Hatchway with an argument +against his own unwillingness to quit such a disagreeable place. +In all probability, Jack would have been more explicit with regard +to the scheme he had proposed, if the conversation had not been +interrupted by the arrival of Cadwallader, who never failed in the +performance of his diurnal visit. Hatchway, conjecturing that this +stranger might have some private business with his friend, quitted +the apartment, on pretence of taking a turn; and meeting Pipes at +the door, desired his company to the Bare, by which name the open +space is distinguished; where, during a course of perambulation, +these two companions held a council upon Pickle, in consequence of +which it was determined, since he obstinately persisted to refuse +their assistance, that they should take lodgings in his neighbourhood, +with a view of being at hand to minister unto his occasions, in spite +of his false delicacy, according to the emergency of his affairs. + +This resolution being taken, they consulted the bar-keeper of the +coffee-house about lodging, and she directed them to the warden; +to whom the lieutenant, in his great wisdom, represented himself as +a kinsman to Peregrine, who, rather than leave that young gentleman +by himself to the unavoidable discomforts of a prison, was inclined +to keep him company, till such time as his affairs could be put in +order. This measure he the more anxiously desired to take, because +the prisoner was sometimes subject to a disordered imagination, +upon which occasion he stood in need of extraordinary attendance; +and therefore he, the lieutenant, entreated the warden to accommodate +him with a lodging for himself and his servant, for which he was +ready to make any reasonable acknowledgment. The warden, who was a +sensible and humane man, could not help applauding his resolution; +and several rooms being at that time unoccupied, he put him immediately +in possession of a couple, which were forthwith prepared for his +reception. + +This affair being settled to his satisfaction, he despatched Pipes +for his portmanteau; and, returning to the coffee-house, found +Peregrine, with whom he spent the remaining part of the evening. +Our hero, taking it for granted that he proposed to set out for +the garrison next day, wrote a memorandum of some books which he +had left in that habitation, and which he now desired Jack to send +up to town by the waggon, directed for Mr. Crabtree. He cautioned +him against giving the least hint of his misfortune in the +neighbourhood, that it might remain, as long as possible, concealed +from the knowledge of his sister, who, he knew, would afflict +herself immoderately at the news, nor reach the ears of the rest +of his family, who would exult and triumph over his distress. + +Hatchway listened to his injunctions with great attention, and +promised to demean himself accordingly. Then the discourse shifted to +an agreeable recapitulation of the merry scenes they had formerly +acted together. And the evening being pretty far advanced, +Peregrine, with seeming reluctance, told him that the gates of the +Fleet would in a few minutes be shut for the night, and that there +was an absolute necessity for his withdrawing to his lodging. Jack +replied, that he could not think of parting with him so soon, after +such a long separation; and that he was determined to stay with +him an hour or two longer, if he should be obliged to take up his +lodging in the streets. Pickle, rather than disoblige his guest, +indulged him in his desire and resolved to give him a share of his +own bed. A pair of chickens and asparagus were bespoke for supper, +at which Pipes attended with an air of internal satisfaction; and +the bottle was bandied about in a jovial manner till midnight, when +the lieutenant rose up to take his leave, observing, that, being +fatigued with riding, he was inclined to turn in. Pipes, upon this +intimation, produced a lanthorn ready lighted; and Jack, shaking +his entertainer by the hand, wished him good night, and promised +to visit him again betimes in the morning. + +Peregrine, imagining that his behaviour proceeded from the wine, +which he had plentifully drunk, told him, that, if he was disposed +to sleep, his bed was ready prepared in the room, and ordered his +attendant to undress his master; upon which Mr. Hatchway gave him +to understand, that he had no occasion to incommode his friend, +having already provided a lodging for himself, and the young +gentleman demanding an explanation, he frankly owned what he had +done, saying, "You gave me such a dismal account of the place, that +I could not think of leaving you in it without company." Our young +gentleman, who was naturally impatient of benefits, and foresaw that +this uncommon instance of Hatchway's friendship would encroach upon +the plan which he had formed for his own subsistence, by engrossing +his time and attention, so as that he should not be able to prosecute +his labours, closeted the lieutenant next day, and demonstrated to +him the folly and ill consequences of the step he had taken. He +observed, that the world in general would look upon it as the effect +of mere madness; and, if his relations were so disposed, they might +make it the foundation for a statute of lunacy against him; that +his absence from the garrison must be a very great detriment to +his private affairs; and, lastly, that his presence in the Fleet +would be a very great hindrance to Pickle himself, whose hope of +regaining his liberty altogether depended upon his being detached +from all company and interruption. + +To these remonstrances Jack replied, that, as to the opinion of +the world, it was no more to him than a rotten net-line; and if +his relations had a mind to have his upper works condemned, he did +not doubt but he should be able to stand the survey, without being +declared unfit for service; that he had no affairs at the garrison, +but such as would keep cold; and with regard to Pickle's being +interrupted by his presence, he gave him his word, that he would +never come alongside of him, except when he should give him the signal +for holding discourse. In conclusion, he signified his resolution +to stay where he was, at all events, without making himself +accountable to any person, whatsoever. + +Peregrine seeing him determined, desisted from any further +importunity; resolving, however, to tire him out of his plan by +reserve and supercilious neglect; for he could not bear the thought +of being so notoriously obliged by any person upon earth. With this +view he quitted the lieutenant, upon some slight pretence; after +having told him, that he could not have the pleasure of his company +at dinner, because he was engaged with a particular club of his +fellow-prisoners. + +Jack was a stranger to the punctilios of behaviour, and therefore +did not take this declaration amiss; but had immediate recourse +to the advice of his counsellor, Mr. Pipes, who proposed, that he +should go to the coffee-house and kitchen, and give the people to +understand that he would pay for all such liquor and provisions as +Mr. Pickle should order to be sent to his lodging. This expedient +was immediately practised; and as there was no credit in the place, +Hatchway deposited a sum of money, by way of security, to the cook +and the vintner, intimating, that there was a necessity for taking +that method of befriending his cousin Peregrine, who was subject to +strange whims, that rendered it impossible to serve him any other +way. + +In consequence of these insinuations, it was that same day rumoured +about the Fleet, that Mr. Pickle was an unhappy gentleman disordered +in his understanding, and that the lieutenant was his near relation, +who had subjected himself to the inconvenience of living in a jail, +with the sole view of keeping a strict eye over his conduct. This +report, however, did not reach the ears of our hero till the next +day, when he sent one of the runners of the Fleet, who attended +him, to bespeak and pay for a couple of pullets, and something else +for dinner, to which he had already invited his friend Hatchway, +in hope of being able to persuade him to retire into the country, +after he had undergone a whole day's mortification in the place. +The messenger returned with an assurance, that the dinner should +be made ready according to his directions, and restored the money, +observing, that his kinsman had paid for what was bespoke. + +Peregrine was equally surprised and disgusted at this information, +and resolved to chide the lieutenant severely for his unseasonable +treat, which he considered as a thing repugnant to his reputation. +Meanwhile, he despatched his attendant for wine to the coffee-house, +and finding his credit bolstered up in that place by the same means, +was enraged at the presumption of Jack's friendship. He questioned +the valet about it with such manifestation of displeasure, that +the fellow, afraid of disobliging such a good master, frankly +communicated the story which was circulated at his expense. The +young gentleman was so much incensed at this piece of intelligence, +that he wrote a bitter expostulation to the lieutenant, where he +not only retracted his invitation, but declared that he would never +converse with him while he should remain within the place. + +Having thus obeyed the dictates of his anger, he gave notice to +the cook, that he should not have occasion for what was ordered. +Repairing to the coffee-house, he told the landlord, that whereas +he understood the stranger with the wooden leg had prepossessed him +and others with ridiculous notions, tending to bring the sanity of +his intellects in question, and, to confirm this imputation, had, +under the pretence of consanguinity, undertaken to defray his +expenses; he could not help, in justice to himself, declaring, +that the same person was, in reality, the madman, who had given +his keepers the slip; that, therefore, he, the landlord, would not +find his account in complying with his orders, and encouraging him +to frequent his house; and that, for his own part, he would never +enter the door, or favour him with the least trifle of his custom, +if ever he should for the future find himself anticipated in his +payments by that unhappy lunatic. + +The vintner was confounded at this retorted charge; and, after much +perplexity and deliberation, concluded, that both parties were +distracted; the stranger in paying a man's debts against his will, +and Pickle, in being offended at such forwardness of friendship. + + + + + +CHAPTER C. + + + + +These Associates commit an Assault upon Crabtree, for which they +are banished from the Fleet--Peregrine begins to feel the effects +of Confinement. + + +Our adventurer having dined at an ordinary, and in the afternoon +retired to his own apartment, as usual, with his friend Cadwallader, +Hatchway and his associate, after they had been obliged to discuss +the provision for which they had paid, renewed their conference +upon the old subject. Pipes giving his messmate to understand, that +Peregrine's chief confidant was the old deaf bachelor, whom he had +seen at his lodging the preceding day, Mr. Hatchway, in his great +penetration, discovered, that the young gentleman's obstinacy proceeded +from the advice of the misanthrope, whom, for that reason, it was +their business to chastise. Pipes entered into this opinion the +more willingly, as he had all along believed the senior to be a sort +of wizard, or some cacodaemon, whom it was not very creditable to +be acquainted with. Indeed, he had been inspired with this notion +by the insinuations of Hadgi, who had formerly dropped some hints +touching Crabtree's profound knowledge in the magic art; mentioning, +in particular, his being possessed of the philosopher's stone; an +assertion to which Tom had given implicit credit, until his master +was sent to prison for debt, when he could no longer suppose +Cadwallader lord of such a valuable secret, or else he would have +certainly procured the enlargement of his most intimate friend. + +With these sentiments, he espoused the resentment of Hatchway. +They determined to seize the supposed conjurer, with the first +opportunity, on his return from his visit to Peregrine, and, +without hesitation, exercise upon him the discipline of the pump. +This plan they would have executed that same evening, had not the +misanthrope luckily withdrawn himself, by accident, before it was +dark, and even before they had intelligence of his retreat. But, +next day, they kept themselves upon the watch till he appeared, and +Pipes lifting his hat, as Crabtree passed, "O d-- ye, old Dunny," +said he, "you and I must grapple by and by; and a'gad I shall lie +so near your quarter, that your ear-ports will let in the sound, +thof they are double caulked with oakum." + +The misanthrope's ears were not quite so fast closed, but that they +received this intimation; which, though delivered in terms that he +did not well understand, had such an effect upon his apprehension, +that he signified his doubts to Peregrine, observing, that he did +not much like the looks of that same ruffian with the wooden leg. +Pickle assured him, he had nothing to fear from the two sailors, +who could have no cause of resentment against him; or, if they had, +would not venture to take any step, which they knew must block up +all the avenues to that reconcilement, about which they were so +anxious; and, moreover, give such offence to the governor of the +place as would infallibly induce him to expel them both from his +territories. + +Notwithstanding this assurance, the young gentleman was not +so confident of the lieutenant's discretion, as to believe that +Crabtree's fears were altogether without foundation; he forthwith +conjectured that Jack had taken umbrage at an intimacy from which he +found himself excluded, and imputed his disgrace to the insinuations +of Cadwallader, whom, in all likelihood, he intended to punish +for his supposed advice. He knew his friend could sustain no great +damage from the lieutenant's resentment, in a place which he could +immediately alarm with his cries, and therefore wished he might +fall into the snare, because it would furnish him with a pretence +of complaint; in consequence of which, the sailors would be obliged +to shift their quarters, so as that he should be rid of their +company, in which he at present could find no enjoyment. + +Everything happened as he had foreseen; the misanthrope, in his +retreat from Peregrine's chamber, was assaulted by Hatchway and his +associate, who seized him by the collar without ceremony, and began +to drag him towards the pump, at which they would have certainly +complimented him with a very disagreeable bath, had not he exalted +his voice in such a manner, as in a moment brought a number of the +inhabitants, and Pickle himself, to his aid. The assailants would +have persisted in their design, had the opposition been such as +they could have faced with any possibility of success; nor did they +quit their prey, before a dozen, at least, had come to his rescue, +and Peregrine with a menacing aspect and air of authority, commanded +his old valet to withdraw. Then they thought proper to sheer off, +and betake themselves to close quarters, while our hero accompanied +the affrighted Cadwallader to the gate, and exhibited to the warden +a formal complaint against the rioters, upon whom he retorted the +charge of lunacy, which was supported by the evidence of twenty +persons, who had been eye-witnesses of the outrage committed against +the old gentleman. The governor, in consequence of this information, +sent a message to Mr. Hatchway, warning him to move his lodging +next day, on pain of being expelled. The lieutenant contumaciously +refusing to comply with this intimation, was in the morning, while +he amused himself in walking upon the Bare, suddenly surrounded by +the constables of the court, who took him and his adherent prisoners, +before they were aware, and delivered them into the hands of the +turnkeys, by whom they were immediately dismissed, and their baggage +conveyed to the side of the ditch. + +This expulsion was not performed without an obstinate opposition +on the part of the delinquents, who, had they not been surprised, +would have set the whole Fleet at defiance, and, in all probability, +have acted divers tragedies, before they could have been overpowered. +Things being circumstanced as they were, the lieutenant did not part +with his conductor without tweaking his nose, by way of farewell; +and Pipes, in imitation of such a laudable example, communicated +a token of remembrance, in an application to the sole eye of his +attendant, who, scorning to be outdone in this kind of courtesy, +returned the compliment with such good-will, that Tom's organ +performed the office of a multiplying-glass. These were mutual +hints for stripping, and, accordingly, each was naked from the +waist upwards in a trice. A ring of butchers from the market was +immediately formed; a couple of the reverend flamens, who, in morning +gowns, ply for marriages in that quarter of the town, constituted +themselves seconds and umpires of the approaching contest, and +the battle began without further preparation. The combatants were, +in point of strength and agility, pretty equally matched; but the +jailor had been regularly trained in the art of bruising: he had +more than once signalized himself in public, by his prowess and +skill in this exercise, and lost one eye upon the stage in the +course of his exploits. This was a misfortune of which Pipes did +not fail to take the advantage. He had already sustained several +hard knocks upon his temples and jaws, and found it impracticable +to smite his antagonist upon the victualling-office, so dexterously +was it defended against assault. He then changed his battery, and +being ambidexter, raised such a clatter upon the turnkey's blind +side, that this hero, believing him left-handed, converted his +attention that way, and opposed the unenlightened side of his face +to the right hand of Pipes, which being thus unprovided against, +slyly bestowed upon him a peg under the fifth rib, that in an instant +laid him senseless on the pavement, at the feet of his conqueror. +Pipes was congratulated upon his victory, not only by his friend +Hatchway, but also by all the by-standers, particularly the priest +who had espoused his cause, and now invited the strangers to his +lodgings in a neighbouring alehouse, where they were entertained +so much to their liking, that they determined to seek no other +habitation while they should continue in town; and, notwithstanding +the disgrace and discouragement they had met with, in their endeavours +to serve our adventurer, they were still resolved to persevere in +their good offices, or, in the vulgar phrase, to see him out. + +While they settled themselves in this manner, and acquired familiar +connections round all the purlieus of the ditch, Peregrine found +himself deprived of the company of Cadwallader, who signified, by +letter, that he did not choose to hazard his person again in visiting +him, while such assassins occupied the avenues through which he +must pass; for he had been at pains to inquire into the motions of +the seamen, and informed himself exactly of the harbour in which +they were moored. + +Our hero had been so much accustomed to the conversation of +Crabtree, which was altogether suitable to the singularity of his +own disposition, that he could very ill afford to be debarred of +it at this juncture, when almost every other source of enjoyment +was stopped. He was, however, obliged to submit to the hardships +of his situation; and as the characters of his fellow-prisoners +did not at all improve upon him, he was compelled to seek for +satisfaction within himself. Not but that he had an opportunity +of conversing with some people who neither wanted sense, nor were +deficient in point of principle; yet there appeared in the behaviour +of them all, without exception, a certain want of decorum, a squalor +of sentiment, a sort of jailish cast contracted in the course of +confinement, which disgusted the delicacy of our hero's observation. +He, therefore, detached himself from their parties as much as he +could, without giving offence to those among whom he was obliged +to live, and resumed his labours with incredible eagerness and +perseverance, his spirits being supported by the success of some +severe philippics, which he occasionally published against the +author of his misfortune. + +Nor was his humanity unemployed in the vacations of his revenge. +A man must be void of all sympathy and compassion, who can reside +among so many miserable objects, without feeling an inclination +to relieve their distress. Every day almost presented to his view +such lamentable scenes as were most likely to attract his notice, +and engage his benevolence. Reverses of fortune, attended with the +most deplorable circumstances of domestic woe, were continually +intruding upon his acquaintance; his ears were invaded with the +cries of the hapless wife, who, from the enjoyment of affluence +and pleasure, was forced to follow her husband to this abode of +wretchedness and want; his eyes were every minute assailed with +the naked and meagre appearances of hunger and cold; and his fancy +teemed with a thousand aggravations of their misery. + +Thus situated, his purse was never shut while his heart remained +open. Without reflecting upon the slenderness of his store, he +exercised his charity to all the children of distress, and acquired +a popularity, which, though pleasing, was far from being profitable. +In short, his bounty kept no pace with his circumstances, +and in a little time he was utterly exhausted. He had recourse to +his bookseller, from whom, with great difficulty, he obtained a +small reinforcement; and immediately relapsed into the same want +of retention. He was conscious of his infirmity, and found it +incurable: he foresaw that by his own industry he should never be +able to defray the expense of these occasions; and this reflection +sunk deep into his mind. The approbation of the public, which he +had earned or might acquire like a cordial often repeated, began +to lose its effect upon his imagination; his health suffered by +his sedentary life and austere application, his eyesight failed, +his appetite forsook him, his spirits decayed; so that he became +melancholy, listless, and altogether incapable of prosecuting +the only means he had left for his subsistence; and, what did not +at all contribute to the alleviation of these particulars, he was +given to understand by his lawyer, that he had lost his cause, +and was condemned in costs. Even this was not the most mortifying +piece of intelligence he received: he at the same time learned that +his bookseller was bankrupt, and his friend Crabtree at the point +of death. + +These were comfortable considerations to a youth of Peregrine's +disposition, which was so capricious, that the more his misery +increased, the more haughty and inflexible he became. Rather than +be beholden to Hatchway, who still hovered about the gate, eager +for an opportunity to assist him, he chose to undergo the want of +almost every convenience of life, and actually pledged his wearing +apparel to an Irish pawnbroker in the Fleet, for money to purchase +those things, without which he must have absolutely perished. He was +gradually irritated by his misfortunes into a rancorous resentment +against mankind in general, and his heart so alienated from +the enjoyments of life, that he did not care how soon he quitted +his miserable existence. Though he had shocking examples of the +vicissitudes of fortune continually before his eyes, he could never +be reconciled to the idea of living like his fellow-sufferers, +in the most abject degree of dependence. If he refused to accept +of favours from his own allies and intimate friends, whom he had +formerly obliged, it is not to be supposed that he would listen to +proposals of that kind from any of his fellow-prisoners, with whom +he had contracted acquaintance: he was even more cautious than ever +of incurring obligations; he now shunned his former messmates, in +order to avoid disagreeable tenders of friendship. Imagining that +he perceived an inclination in the clergyman to learn the state of +his finances, he discouraged and declined the explanation, and at +length secluded himself from all society. + + + + + +CHAPTER CI. + + + + +He receives an unexpected Visit; and the Clouds of Misfortune begin +to separate. + + +While he pined in this forlorn condition, with an equal abhorrence +of the world and himself, Captain Gauntlet arrived in town in order +to employ his interest for promotion in the army; and in consequence +of his wife's particular desire, made it his business to inquire +for Peregrine, to whom he longed to be reconciled, even though at +the expense of a slight submission. But he could hear no tidings of +him, at the place to which he was directed; and, on the supposition +that our hero had gone to reside in the country, applied himself +to his own business, with intention to renew his inquiries, after +that affair should be transacted. He communicated his demands to his +supposed patron, who had assumed the merit of making him a captain, +and been gratified with a valuable present on that consideration; +and was cajoled with hopes of succeeding in his present aim by the +same interest. + +Meanwhile, he became acquainted with one of the clerks belonging +to the War Office, whose advice and assistance, he was told, would +be a furtherance to his scheme. As he had occasion to discourse +with this gentleman upon the circumstances of his expectation, he +learned that the nobleman, upon whom he depended, was a person of +no consequence in the state, and altogether incapable of assisting +him in his advancement. At the same time, his counsellor expressed +his surprise that Captain Gauntlet did not rather interest in +his cause the noble peer to whose good offices he owed his last +commission. + +This remark introduced an explanation, by which Godfrey discovered, +to his infinite astonishment, the mistake in which he had continued +so long with regard to his patron; though he could not divine the +motive which induced a nobleman, with whom he had no acquaintance +or connection, to interpose his influence in his behalf. Whatsoever +that might be, he thought it was his duty to make his acknowledgment; +and for that purpose went next morning to his house, where he was +politely received, and given to understand that Mr. Pickle was +the person to whose friendship he was indebted for his last promotion. + +Inexpressible were the transports of gratitude, affection, and +remorse that took possession of the soul of Gauntlet, when this +mystery was unfolded. "Good Heaven!" cried he, lifting up his hands, +"have I lived so long in a state of animosity with my benefactor? +I intended to have reconciled myself at any rate before I was +sensible of this obligation, but now I shall not enjoy a moment's +quiet until I have an opportunity of expressing to him my sense +of his heroic friendship. I presume, from the nature of the favour +conferred upon him in my behalf, that Mr. Pickle is well known to +your lordship; and I should think myself extremely happy if you +could inform me in what part of the country he is to be found; +for the person with whom he lodged some time ago could give me no +intelligence of his motions." + +The nobleman, touched with this instance of generous self-denial in +Peregrine, as well as with the sensibility of his friend, lamented +the unhappiness of our hero, while he gave Gauntlet to understand +that he had been long disordered in his intellects, in consequence +of having squandered away his fortune; and that his creditors had +thrown him into the Fleet prison; but whether he still continued +in that confinement, or was released from his misfortunes by death, +his lordship did not know, because he had never inquired. + +Godfrey no sooner received this intimation, than, his blood +boiling with grief and impatience, he craved pardon for his abrupt +departure; then quitting his informer on the instant, re-embarked +in his hackney-coach, and ordered himself to be conveyed directly +to the Fleet. As the vehicle proceeded along one side of the market, +he was surprised with the appearance of Hatchway and Pipes, who +stood cheapening cauliflowers at a green-stall, their heads being +cased in worsted nightcaps, half covered with their hats, and a +short tobacco-pipe in the mouth of each. He was rejoiced at sight +of the two seamen, which he took for a happy omen of finding his +friend. and, ordering the coachman to stop the carriage, called to +the lieutenant by his name. Jack replying with an hilloah, looking +behind him, and recognizing the face of his old acquaintance, ran +up to the coach with great eagerness. Shaking the captain heartily +by the hand, "Odds heart!" said he, "I am glad thou hast fallen in +with us; we shall now be able to find the trim of the vessel, and +lay her about on t'other tack. For my own part, I have had many a +consort in my time, that is, in the way of good fellowship, and I +always made a shift to ware 'em at one time or another. But this +headstrong toad will neither obey the helm nor the sheet; and for +aught I know, will founder where a lies at anchor." + +Gauntlet, who conceived part of his meaning, alighted immediately; +and being conducted to the sailor's lodging, was informed of +everything that had passed between the lieutenant and Pickle. He, +in his turn, communicated to Jack the discovery which he had made, +with regard to his commission; at which the other gave no signs +of surprise, but, taking the pipe from his mouth, "Why look ye, +captain," said he, "that's not the only good turn you have owed him. +That same money you received from the commodore as an old debt was +all a sham, contrived by Pickle for your service; but a wool drive +under his bare poles without sails and rigging, or a mess of provision +on board, rather than take the same assistance from another man." + +Godfrey was not only amazed, but chagrined at the knowledge of this +anecdote; which gave umbrage to his pride, while it stimulated his +desire of doing something in return for the obligation. He inquired +into the present circumstances of the prisoner; and understanding +that he was indisposed, and but indifferently provided with the common +necessaries of life, though still deaf to all offers of assistance, +began to be extremely concerned at the account of this savage +obstinacy and pride, which would, he feared, exclude him from the +privilege of relieving him in his distress. However, he resolved +to leave no expedient untried, that might have any tendency to +surmount such destructive prejudice; and entering the jail, was +directed to the apartment of the wretched prisoner. He knocked +softly at the door, and, when it was opened, started back with +horror and astonishment. The figure that presented itself to his +view was the remains of his once happy friend; but so miserably +altered and disguised, that his features were scarce cognisable. +The florid, the sprightly, the gay, the elevated youth, was now +metamorphosed into a wan, dejected, meagre, squalid spectre; the +hollow-eyed representative of distemper, indigence, and despair. +Yet his eyes retained a certain ferocity, which threw a dismal gleam +athwart the cloudiness of his aspect, and he, in silence, viewed +his old companion with a look betokening confusion and disdain. As +for Gauntlet, he could not, without emotion, behold such a woeful +reverse of fate, in a person for whom he entertained the noblest +sentiments of friendship, gratitude, and esteem; his sorrow was at +first too big for utterance, and he shed a flood of tears before +he could pronounce one word. + +Peregrine, in spite of his misanthropy, could not help being affected +with this uncommon testimony of regard; but he strove to stifle his +sensations. His brows contracted themselves into a severe frown; +his eyes kindled into the appearance of live coals. He waved with +his hand in signal for Godfrey to be gone, and leave such a wretch +as him to the miseries of his fate; and, finding nature too strong +to be suppressed, uttered a deep groan, and wept aloud. + +The soldier, seeing him thus melted, unable to restrain the strong +impulse of his affection, sprung towards, and clasping him in his +arms, "My dearest friend, and best benefactor," said he, "I am +come hither to humble myself for the offence I was so unhappy as +to give at our last parting; to beg a reconciliation, to thank you +for the case and affluence I have enjoyed through your means, and +to rescue you, in spite of yourself, from this melancholy situation; +of which, but an hour ago, I was utterly ignorant. Do not deny me the +satisfaction of acquitting myself in point of duty and obligation. +You must certainly have had some regard for a person in whose favour +you have exerted yourself so much; and if any part of that esteem +remains, you will not refuse him an opportunity of approving himself +in some measure worthy of it. Let me not suffer the most mortifying +of all repulses, that of slighted friendship; but kindly sacrifice +your resentment and inflexibility to the request of one who is at +all times ready to sacrifice his life for your honour and advantage. +If you will not yield to my entreaties, have some regard to the +wishes of my Sophy, who laid me under the strongest injunctions +to solicit your forgiveness, even before she knew how much I was +indebted to your generosity; or, if that consideration should be +of no weight, I hope you will relax a little for the sake of poor +Emilia, whose resentment hath been long subdued by her affection, +and who now droops in secret at your neglect." + +Every word of this address, delivered in the most pathetic manner, +made an impression upon the mind of Peregrine. He was affected +with the submission of his friend, who, in reality, had given him +no just cause to complain. He knew that no ordinary motive had +swayed him to a condescension so extraordinary in a man of his +punctilious temper. He considered it, therefore, as the genuine +effect of eager gratitude and disinterested love, and his heart +began to relent accordingly. When he heard himself conjured in the +name of the gentle Sophy, his obstinacy was quite overcome; and when +Emilia was recalled to his remembrance, his whole frame underwent +a violent agitation. He took his friend by the hand, with a softened +look; and, as soon as he recovered the faculty of speech, which +had been overpowered in the conflict of passions that transported +him, protested, that he retained no vestige of animosity, but +considered him in the light of an affectionate comrade, the ties of +whose friendship adversity could not unbind. He mentioned Sophy in +the most respectful terms; spoke of Emilia with the most reverential +awe, as the object of his inviolable love and veneration; but +disclaimed all hope of ever more attracting her regard, and excused +himself from profiting by Godfrey's kind intention; declaring, with +a resolute air, that he had broken off all connection with mankind, +and that he impatiently longed for the hour of his dissolution, +which, if it should not soon arrive by the course of nature, he +was resolved to hasten with his own hands, rather than be exposed +to the contempt, and more intolerable pity, of a rascally world. + +Gauntlet argued against this frantic determination with all the +vehemence of expostulating friendship; but his remonstrances did +not produce the desired effect upon our desperate hero, who calmly +refuted all his arguments, and asserted the rectitude of his design +from the pretended maxims of reason and true philosophy. While this +dispute was carried on with eagerness on one side, and deliberation +on the other, a letter was brought to Peregrine, who threw +it carelessly aside unopened, though the superscription was in a +handwriting to which he was a stranger; and, in all probability, the +contents would never have been perused, had not Gauntlet insisted +upon his waiving all ceremony, and reading it forthwith. Thus +solicited, Pickle unsealed the billet, which, to his no small +surprise, contained the following intimation:-- + + Sir,--This comes to inform you, that, after many dangers + and disappointments, I am, by the blessing of God, safely + arrived in the Downs, on board of the Gomberoon Indiaman, + having made a tolerable voyage; by which I hope I shall be + enabled to repay, with interest, the seven hundred pounds + which I borrowed of you before my departure from England. + I take this opportunity of writing by our purser, who goes + express with despatches for the Company, that you may have + this satisfactory notice as soon as possible, relating to + one whom I suppose you have long given over as lost. I have + enclosed it in a letter to my broker, who, I hope, knows + your address, and will forward it accordingly. And I am, + with respect, Sir, your most humble servant, + "Benjamin Chintz." + +He had no sooner taken a cursory view of this agreeable epistle, +than his countenance cleared up, and, reaching it to his friend, +with a smile, "There," said he, "is a more convincing argument, on +your side of the question, than all the casuists in the universe +can advance." Gauntlet, wondering at this observation, took the +paper, and, casting his eyes greedily upon the contents, congratulated +him upon the receipt of it, with extravagant demonstrations of +joy. "Not on account of the sum," said he, "which, upon my honour, +I would with pleasure pay three times over for your convenience +and satisfaction; but because it seems to have reconciled you to +life, and disposed your mind for enjoying the comforts of society." + +The instantaneous effect which this unexpected smile of fortune +produced in the appearance of our adventurer is altogether +inconceivable; it plumped up his cheeks in a moment, unbended and +enlightened every feature of his face; elevated his head, which +had begun to sink as it were, between his shoulders; and from a +squeaking dispirited tone, swelled up his voice to a clear manly +accent. Godfrey, taking advantage of this favourable change, began +to regale him with prospects of future success. He reminded him +of his youth and qualifications, which were certainly designed for +better days than those he had as yet seen; he pointed out various +paths by which he might arrive at wealth and reputation; he importuned +him to accept of a sum for his immediate occasions; and earnestly +begged that he would allow him to discharge the debt for which +he was confined, observing, that Sophy's fortune had enabled him +to exhibit that proof of his gratitude, without any detriment to +his affairs; and protesting that he should not believe himself in +possession of Mr. Pickle's esteem, unless he was permitted to make +some such return of good-will to the man, who had not only raised +him from indigence and scorn, to competence and reputable rank, but +also empowered him to obtain the possession of an excellent woman, +who had filled up the measure of his felicity. + +Peregrine declared himself already overpaid for all his good offices, +by the pleasure he enjoyed in employing them, and the happy effects +they had produced in the mutual satisfaction of two persons so dear +to his affection; and assured his friend, that one time or other +he would set his conscience at ease, and remove the scruples of +his honour, by having recourse to his assistance; but at present +he could not make use of his friendship, without giving just cause +of offence to honest Hatchway, who was prior to him in point of +solicitation, and had manifested his attachment with surprising +obstinacy and perseverance. + + + + + +CHAPTER CII. + + + + +Peregrine reconciles himself to the Lieutenant, and renews his +Connection with Society--Divers Plans are projected in his behalf, +and he has occasion to exhibit a remarkable Proof of Self-denial. + + +The captain, with reluctance, yielded the preference in this +particular to Jack, who was immediately invited to a conference, +by a note subscribed with Pickle's own hand. He was found at the +prison-gate waiting for Gauntlet, to know the issue of his negotiation. +He no sooner received this summons, than he set all his sails, and +made the best of his way to his friend's apartment; being admitted +by the turnkey, in consequence of Peregrine's request, communicated +by the messenger who, carried the billet. Pipes followed close +in the wake of his shipmate; and, in a few minutes after the note +had been despatched, Peregrine and Gauntlet heard the sound of the +stump, ascending the wooden staircase with such velocity, that they +at first mistook it for the application of drumsticks to the head +of an empty barrel. This uncommon speed, however, was attended with +a misfortune; he chanced to overlook a small defect in one of the +steps, and his prop plunging into a hole, he fell backwards, to +the imminent danger of his life. Tom was luckily at his back, and +sustained him in his arms, so as that he escaped without any other +damage than the loss of his wooden leg, which was snapped in the +middle, by the weight of his body in falling; and such was his +impatience, that he would not give himself the trouble to disengage +the fractured member. Unbuckling the whole equipage in a trice, +he left it sticking in the crevice, saying, a rotten cable was not +worth heaving up, and, in this natural state of mutilation, hopped +into the room with infinite expedition. + +Peregrine, taking him cordially by the hand, seated him upon one +side of his bed; and, after having made an apology for that reserve +of which he had so justly complained, asked if he could conveniently +accommodate him with the loan of twenty guineas. The lieutenant, +without opening his mouth, pulled out his purse; and Pipes, who +overheard the demand, applying the whistle to his lips, performed +a loud overture, in token of his joy. Matters being thus brought +to an accommodation, our hero told the captain, that he should be +glad of his company at dinner, with their common friend Hatchway, +if he would in the meantime leave him to the ministry of Pipes; +and the soldier went away for the present, in order to pay a short +visit to his uncle, who at that time languished in a declining +state of health, promising to return at the appointed hour. + +The lieutenant, having surveyed the dismal appearance of his friend, +could not help being moved at the spectacle, and began to upbraid +him with his obstinate pride, which, he swore, was no better than +self-murder. But the young gentleman interrupted him in the course +of his moralizing, by telling him he had reasons for his conduct, +which, perhaps, he would impart in due season; but, at present, his +design was to alter that plan of behaviour, and make himself some +amends for the misery he had undergone. He accordingly sent Pipes +to redeem his clothes from the pawnbroker's wardrobe, and bespeak +something comfortable for dinner. When Godfrey came back, he was +very agreeably surprised to see such a favourable alteration in +his externals; for, by the assistance of his valet, he had purified +himself from the dregs of his distress, and now appeared in a +decent suit, with clean linen, while his face was disencumbered of +the hair that overshadowed it, and his apartment prepared for the +reception of company. + +They enjoyed their meal with great satisfaction, entertaining one +another with a recapitulation of their former adventures at the +garrison. In the afternoon, Gauntlet taking his leave, in order +to write a letter to his sister, at the desire of his uncle who, +finding his end approaching, wanted to see her without loss of time, +Peregrine made his appearance on the Bare, and was complimented +on his coming abroad again, not only by his old messmates, who had +not seen him for many weeks, but by a number of those objects whom +his liberality had fed, before his funds were exhausted. Hatchway +was, by his interest with the warden, put in possession of his former +quarters, and Pipes despatched to make inquiry about Crabtree at +his former lodging, where he learned that the misanthrope, after a +very severe fit of illness, was removed to Kensington Gravel-pits, +for the convenience of breathing a purer air than that of London. + +In consequence of this information, Peregrine, who knew the narrowness +of the old gentleman's fortune, next day desired his friend Gauntlet +to take the trouble of visiting him, in his name, with a letter, +in which he expressed great concern for his indisposition, gave +him notice of the fortunate intelligence he had received from the +Downs, and conjured him to make use of his purse, if he was in +the least hampered in his circumstances. The captain took coach +immediately, and set out for the place, according to the direction +which Pipes had procured. + +Cadwallader, having seen him at Bath, knew him again at first sight; +and, though reduced to a skeleton, believed himself in such a fair +way of doing well, that he would have accompanied him to the Fleet +immediately, had he not been restrained by his nurse, who was, by +his physician, invested with full authority to dispute and oppose +his will in everything that she should think prejudicial to his +health; for he was considered, by those who had the care of him, +as an old humourist, not a little distempered in his brain. He +inquired particularly about the sailors, who, he said, had deterred +him from carrying on his usual correspondence with Pickle, and been +the immediate cause of his indisposition, by terrifying him into +a fever. Understanding that the breach between Pickle and Hatchway +was happily cemented, and that he was no longer in any danger from +the lieutenant's resentment, he promised to be at the Fleet with +the first convenient opportunity; and, in the meantime, wrote an +answer to Peregrine's letter, importing, that he was obliged to +him for his offer, but had not the least occasion for his assistance. + +In a few days, our adventurer recovered his vigour, complexion, and +vivacity; he mingled again in the diversions and parties of the +place; and he received, in a little time, the money he had lent upon +bottomry, which, together with the interest, amounted to upwards of +eleven hundred pounds. The possession of this sum, while it buoyed +up his spirits, involved him in perplexity. Sometimes he thought +it was incumbent on him, as a man of honour, to employ the greatest +part of it in diminishing the debt for which he suffered; on the +other hand, he considered that obligation effaced, by the treacherous +behaviour of his creditor, who had injured him to ten times the +value of the sum; and, in these sentiments, entertained thoughts +of attempting his escape from prison, with a view of conveying +himself, with the shipwreck of his fortune, to another country, in +which he might use it to better advantage. + +Both suggestions were attended with such doubts and difficulties, +that he hesitated between them, and for the present laid out a +thousand pounds in stock, the interest of which, together with the +fruits of his own industry, he hoped, would support him above want +in his confinement, until something should occur that would point +out the expediency of some other determination. Gauntlet still +insisted upon having the honour of obtaining his liberty, at the +expense of taking up his notes to Gleanum, and exhorted him to +purchase a commission with part of the money which he had retrieved. +The lieutenant affirmed, that it was his privilege to procure the +release of his cousin Pickle, because he enjoyed a very handsome +sum by his aunt, which of right belonged to the young gentleman, +to whom he was, moreover, indebted for the use of his furniture, +and for the very house that stood over his head; and that, although +he had already made a will in his favour, he should never be +satisfied, nor easy in his mind, so long as he remained deprived +of his liberty, and wanted any of the conveniences of life. + +Cadwallader, who by this time assisted at their councils, and was +best acquainted with the peculiarity and unbending disposition of +the youth, proposed, that, seeing he was so averse to obligations, +Mr. Hatchway should purchase of him the garrison with its appendages, +which, at a moderate price, would sell for more money than would be +sufficient to discharge his debts; that, if the servile subordination +of the army did not suit his inclinations, he might, with his +reversion, buy a comfortable annuity, and retire with him to the +country, where he might live absolutely independent, and entertain +himself, as usual, with the ridiculous characters of mankind. + +This plan was to Pickle less disagreeable than any other project +which as yet had been suggested; and the lieutenant declared himself +ready to execute his part of it without delay; but the soldier was +mortified at the thoughts of seeing his assistance unnecessary, and +eagerly objected to the retirement, as a scheme that would blast +the fairest promises of fame and fortune, and bury his youth and +talents in solitude and obscurity. This earnest opposition on the +part of Gauntlet hindered our adventurer from forming any immediate +resolution, which was also retarded by his unwillingness to part +with the garrison upon any terms, because he looked upon it as +a part of his inheritance, which he could not dispose of without +committing an insult upon the memory of the deceased commodore. + + + + + +CHAPTER CIII. + + + + +He is engaged in a very extraordinary Correspondence, which is +interrupted by a very unexpected Event. + + +While this affair was in agitation, the captain told him in the +course of conversation, that Emilia was arrived in town, and had +inquired about Mr. Pickle with such an eagerness of concern, as +seemed to proclaim that she was in some measure informed of his +misfortune: he therefore desired to know if he might be allowed +to make her acquainted with his situation, provided he should +be again importuned by her on that subject, which he had at first +industriously waived. This proof, or rather presumption, of her +sympathizing regard, did not fail to operate powerfully upon the +bosom of Peregrine, which was immediately filled with those tumults +which love, ill-stifled, frequently excites. He observed, that his +disgrace was such as could not be effectually concealed; therefore +he saw no reason for depriving himself of Emilia's compassion, since +he was for ever excluded from her affection; and desired Godfrey +to present to his sister the lowly respects of a despairing lover. + +But, notwithstanding his declaration of despondence on this head, +his imagination involuntarily teemed with more agreeable ideas. +The proposal of Crabtree had taken root in his reflection, and he +could not help forming plans of pastoral felicity in the arms of +the lovely Emilia, remote from those pompous scenes which he now +detested and despised. He amused his fancy with the prospect of +being able to support her in a state of independency, by means of +the slender annuity which it was in his power to purchase, together +with the fruits of those endeavours which would profitably employ +his vacant hours; and foresaw provision for his growing family in +the friendship of the lieutenant, who had already constituted him +his heir. He even parcelled out his hours among the necessary cares +of the world, the pleasures of domestic bliss, and the enjoyments +of a country life; and spent the night in ideal parties with +his charming bride, sometimes walking by the sedgy bank of some +transparent stream, sometimes pruning the luxuriant vine, and +sometimes sitting in social converse with her in a shady grove of +his own planting. + +These, however, were no more than the shadowy phantoms of imagination, +which, he well knew, would never be realized: not that he believed +such happiness unattainable by a person in his circumstances, but +because he would not stoop to propose a scheme which might, in any +shape, seem to interfere with the interest of Emilia, or subject +himself to a repulse from that young lady, who had rejected his +addresses in the zenith of his fortune. + +While he diverted himself with these agreeable reveries, +an unexpected event intervened, in which she and her brother were +deeply interested. The uncle was tapped for the dropsy, and died +in a few days after the operation, having bequeathed, in his will, +five thousand pounds to his nephew, and twice that sum to his niece, +who had always enjoyed the greatest share of his favour. + +If our adventurer, before this occurrence, looked upon his love +for Emilia as a passion which it was necessary, at any rate, to +conquer or suppress, he now considered her accession of fortune +as a circumstance which confirmed that necessity, and resolved +to discourage every thought on that subject which should tend to +the propagation of hope. One day, in the midst of a conversation +calculated for the purpose, Godfrey put into his hand a letter +directed to Mr. Pickle, in the handwriting of Emilia, which the +youth no sooner recognized, than his cheeks were covered with a +crimson dye, and he began to tremble with violent agitation; for +he at once guessed the import of the billet, which he kissed with +great reverence and devotion, and was not at all surprised when he +read the following words:-- + + Sir,--l have performed a sufficient sacrifice to my + reputation, in retaining hitherto the appearance of that + resentment which I had long ago dismissed; and as the + late favourable change in my situation empowers me to + avow my genuine sentiments, without fear of censure, or + suspicion of mercenary design, I take this opportunity + to assure you, that, if I still maintain that place in + your heart which I was vain enough to think I once + possessed, I am willing to make the first advances to an + accommodation, and have actually furnished my brother + with full powers to conclude it in the name of your + appeased "Emilia." + +Pickle, having kissed the subscription with great ardour, fell upon +his knees, and lifting up his eyes, "Thank Heaven!" cried he, with +an air of transport, "I have not been mistaken in my opinion of +that generous maid. I believed her inspired with the most dignified +and heroic sentiments, and now she gives me a convincing proof of +her magnanimity. It is now my business to approve myself worthy of +her regard. May Heaven inflict upon me the keenest arrows of its +vengeance, if I do not, at this instant, contemplate the character +of Emilia with the most perfect love and adoration; yet, amiable +and enchanting as she is, I am, more than ever, determined to +sacrifice the interest of my passion to my glory, though my life +should fail in the contest; and even to refuse an offer, which, +otherwise, the whole universe should not bribe me to forego." + +This declaration was not so unexpected as unwelcome to his friend +Gauntlet, who represented that his glory was not at all interested +in the affair; because he had already vindicated his generosity +in repeated proffers to lay his whole fortune at Emilia's feet, +when it was impossible that anything selfish could enter into the +proposal; but that, in rejecting her present purpose, he would give +the world an opportunity to say, that his pride was capricious, his +obstinacy invincible; and his sister would have undeniable reason +to believe, that either his passion for her was dissembled, or the +ardour of it considerably abated. + +In answer to these remonstrances, Pickle observed, that he had +long set the world at defiance; and, as to the opinion of Emilia, +he did not doubt that she would applaud in her heart the resolution +he had taken, and do justice to the purity of his intention. It was +not an easy task to divert our hero from his designs at any time +of life; but, since his confinement, his inflexibility was become +almost insurmountable. The captain, therefore, after having discharged +his conscience, in assuring him that his sister's happiness was +at stake, that his mother had approved of the step she had taken, +and that he himself should be extremely mortified at his refusal, +forbore to press him with further argument, which served only to +rivet him the more strongly in his own opinion, and undertook to +deliver this answer to Emilia's letter:-- + + Madam,--That I revere the dignity of your virtue with the + utmost veneration, and love you infinitely more than life, + I am at all times ready to demonstrate; but the sacrifice + to honour it is now my turn to pay; and such is the rigour + of my destiny, that, in order to justify your generosity, + I must refuse to profit by your condescension. Madam, I am + doomed to be for ever wretched; and to sigh without ceasing + for the possession of that jewel, which, though now in my + offer, I dare not enjoy. I shall not pretend to express the + anguish that tears my heart, whilst I communicate this fatal + renunciation, but appeal to the delicacy of your own + sentiments, which can judge of my sufferings, and will, + doubtless, do justice to the self-denial of your forlorn + "P. Pickle." + +Emilia, who knew the nicety of our hero's pride, had foreseen the +purport of this epistle before it came to her hands; she did not, +therefore, despair of success, nor desist from the prosecution of +her plan, which was no other than that of securing her own happiness, +in espousing the man upon whom she had fixed her unalterable affection. +Confident of his honour, and fully satisfied of the mutual passion +with which they were inspired, she gradually decoyed him into +a literary correspondence, wherein she attempted to refute the +arguments on which he grounded his refusal; and, without doubt, +the young gentleman was not a little pleased with the enjoyment of +such delightful commerce, in the course of which he had, more than +ever, an opportunity of admiring the poignancy of her wit, and the +elegance of her understanding. + +The contemplation of such excellency, while it strengthened the +chains with which she held him enslaved, added emulation to the +other motives that induced him to maintain the dispute; and much +subtlety of reasoning was expended upon both sides of this very +particular question, without any prospect of conviction on either +part, till, at last, she began to despair of making him a proselyte +to her opinion by dint of argument; and resolved for the future +to apply herself chiefly to the irresistible prepossessions of his +love, which were not at all diminished or impaired by the essays +of her pen. With this view she proposed a conference, pretending +that it was impossible to convey all her reflections upon this +subject in a series of short letters; and Godfrey undertook to bail +him for the day. But, conscious of her power, he would not trust +himself in her presence, though his heart throbbed with all the +eagerness of desire to see her fair eyes disrobed of that resentment +which they had worn so long, and to enjoy the ravishing sweets of +a fond reconciliation. + +Nature could not have held out against such powerful attacks, had +not the pride and caprice of his disposition been gratified to the +full in the triumph of his resistance; he looked upon the contest +as altogether original, and persevered with obstinacy, because he +thought himself sure of favourable terms, whenever he should be +disposed to capitulate. Perhaps he might have overshot himself in +the course of his perseverance. A young lady of Emilia's fortune +and attractions could not fail to find herself surrounded by +temptations, which few women can resist. She might have misinterpreted +the meaning of some paragraph or taken umbrage at an unguarded +expression in one of Peregrine's letters. She might have been tired +out by his obstinate peculiarity, or, at the long run, construed +it into madness, slight, or indifference; or, rather than waste her +prime in fruitless endeavours to subdue the pride of a headstrong +humourist, she might have listened to the voice of some admirer, +fraught with qualifications sufficient to engage her esteem and +affection. But all these possibilities were providentially prevented +by an accident attended with more important consequences than any +we have hitherto recounted. + +Early one morning Pipes was disturbed by the arrival of a messenger, +who had been sent express from the country by Mr. Clover, with +a packet for the lieutenant, and arrived in town overnight; but +as he was obliged to have recourse to the information of Jack's +correspondent in the city, touching the place of his abode, before +he demanded entrance at the Fleet. the gate was shut; nor would +the turnkeys admit him, although he told them that he was charged +with a message of the utmost consequence; so that he was fain +to tarry till daybreak, when he, at his earnest solicitation, was +allowed to enter. + +Hatchway, opening the packet, found a letter enclosed for Peregrine, +with an earnest request that he should forward it to the hands of +that young gentleman with all possible despatch. Jack, who could +not dive into the meaning of this extraordinary injunction, began +to imagine that Mrs. Clover lay at the point of death, and wanted +to take a last farewell of her brother; and this conceit worked so +strongly upon his imagination, that, while he huddled on his clothes, +and made the best of his way to the apartment of our hero, he +could not help cursing, within himself, the folly of the husband +in sending such disagreeable messages to a man of Peregrine's +impatient temper, already soured by his own uneasy situation. +This reflection would have induced him to suppress the letter, had +not he been afraid to tamper with the ticklish disposition of his +friend, to whom, while he delivered it, "As for my own part," said +he, "mayhap I may have as much natural affection as another, but +when my spouse parted, I bore my misfortune like a British man, +and a Christian. For why? He's no better than a fresh-water sailor, +who knows not how to stem the current of mischance." + +Pickle being waked from a pleasant dream, in which the fair Emilia +was principally concerned, and hearing this strange preamble, sat +up in his bed, and unsealed the letter, in a state of mortification +and disgust. But what were the emotions of his soul, when he read +the following intimation:-- + + Dear Brother,--It hath pleased God to take your father + suddenly off by a fit of apoplexy; and as he has died + intestate, I give you this notice, that you may, with all + speed, come down and take possession of your right, in + despite of Master Gam and his mother, who, you may be sure, + do not sit easy under this unexpected dispensation of + Providence. I have, by virtue of being a justice of the + peace, taken such precautions as I thought necessary for + your advantage; and the funeral shall be deferred until + your pleasure be known. Your sister, though sincerely + afflicted by her father's fate, submits to the will of + Heaven with laudable resignation, and begs you will set + out for this place without delay; in which request she is + joined by, sir, your affectionate brother, and humble + servant, "Charles Clover." + +Peregrine at first looked upon this epistle as a mere illusion of +the brain, and a continuation of the reverie in which he had been +engaged. He read it ten times over, without being persuaded that +he was actually awake. He rubbed his eyes, and shook his head, in +order to shake off the drowsy vapours that surrounded him. He hemmed +thrice with great vociferation, snapped his fingers, tweaked his +nose, started up from his bed, and, opening the casement, took a +survey of the well-known objects that appeared on each side of his +habitation. Everything seemed congruous and connected, and he said +within himself, "Sure this is the most distinct dream that ever +sleep produced." Then he had recourse again to the paper, which +he carefully perused, without finding any variation from his first +notion of the contents. + +Hatchway, seeing all his extravagances of action, accompanied with +a wild stare of distraction, began to believe that his head was at +length fairly turned, and was really meditating means for securing +his person, when Pickle, in a tone of surprise, exclaimed, "Good +God! am I or am I not awake?"--"Why look ye, cousin Pickle," replied +the lieutenant, "that is a question which the deep sea-line of my +understanding is not long enough to sound; but howsomever, thof I +can't trust to the observation I have taken, it shall go hard but +I will fall upon a way to guess whereabouts we are." So saying, +he lifted up a pitcher full of cold water, that stood behind the +outward door, and discharged it in the face of Peregrine without +ceremony or hesitation. This remedy produced the desired effect. +Unpalatable as it was, the young gentleman no sooner recovered his +breath, which was endangered by such a sudden application, than +he thanked his friend Jack for the seasonable operation he had +performed. Having no longer any just reason to doubt the reality +of what appeared so convincingly to his senses, he shifted himself +on the instant, not without hurry and trepidation; and, putting on +his morning dress, sallied forth to the Bare, in order to deliberate +with himself on the important intelligence he had received. + +Hatchway, not yet fully convinced of his sanity, and curious +to know the purport of the letter, which had affected him in +such an extraordinary manner, carefully attended his footsteps in +this excursion, in hope of being favoured with his confidence, in +the course of their perambulation. Our hero no sooner appeared at +the street door, than he was saluted by the messenger, who having +posted himself in the way for that purpose, "God bless your noble +honour, Squire Pickle," cried he, "and give you joy of succeeding +to your father's estate." These words had scarce proceeded from his +mouth, when the lieutenant, hopping eagerly towards the countryman, +squeezed his hand with great affection, and asked if the old +gentleman had actually taken his departure. "Ay, Master Hatchway," +replied the other, "in such a woundy haste, that he forgot to make +a will."--"Body of me!" exclaimed the seaman; "these are the best +tidings I have ever heard since I first went to sea. Here, my lad, +take my purse, and stow thyself chuck full of the best liquor in +the land." So saying, he tipped the peasant with ten pieces, and +immediately the whole place echoed the sound of Tom's instrument. +Peregrine, repairing to the walk, communicated the billet to his +honest friend, who at his desire went forthwith to the lodgings +of Captain Gauntlet, and returned in less than an hour with +that gentleman, who, I need not say, was heartily rejoiced at the +occasion. + + + + + +CHAPTER CIV. + + + + +Peregrine holds a Consultation with his Friends, in consequence of +which he bids Adieu to the Fleet--He arrives at his Father's House, +and asserts his Right of Inheritance. + + +Nor did our hero keep the misanthrope in ignorance of this happy +turn of fortune. Pipes was despatched to the senior, with a message +requesting his immediate presence; and he accordingly appeared, +in obedience to the summons, growling with discontent for having +been deprived of several hours of his natural rest. His mouth was +immediately stopped with the letter, at which he "smiled horribly +a ghastly grin;" and, after a compliment of gratulation, they entered +into close divan, about the measures to be taken in consequence of +this event. + +There was no room for much debate. It was unanimously agreed that +Pickle should set out with all possible despatch for the garrison, +to which Gauntlet and Hatchway resolved to attend him. Pipes was +accordingly ordered to prepare a couple of post-chaises, while +Godfrey went to procure bail for his friend, and provide them with +money for the expense of the expedition; but not before he was +desired by Peregrine to conceal this piece of news from his sister, +that our youth might have an opportunity to surprise her in a more +interesting manner, after he should have settled his affairs. + +All these previous steps being taken, in less than an hour our hero +took his leave of the Fleet, after he had left twenty guineas with +the warden for the relief of the poor prisoners, a great number of +whom conveyed him to the gate, pouring forth prayers for his long +life and prosperity; and he took the road to the garrison, in the +most elevated transports of joy, unallayed with the least mixture +of grief at the death of a parent whose paternal tenderness he had +never known. His breast was absolutely a stranger to that boasted +storyn, or instinct of affection, by which the charities are supposed +to subsist. + +Of all the journeys he had ever made, this, sure, was the most +delightful. He felt all the ecstasy that must naturally be produced +in a young man of his imagination, from such a sudden transition in +point of circumstance, he found himself delivered from confinement +and disgrace, without being obliged to any person upon earth for +his deliverance; he had it now in his power to retort the contempt +of the world in a manner suited to his most sanguine wish; he was +reconciled to his friend, and enabled to gratify his love, even +upon his own terms; and saw himself in possession of a fortune more +ample than his first inheritance, with a stock of experience that +would steer him clear of all those quicksands among which he had +been formerly wrecked. + +In the middle of their journey, while they halted at an inn for a +short refreshment and change of horses, a postilion running up to +Peregrine in the yard, fell at his feet, clasped his knees with +great eagerness and agitation, and presented to him the individual +face of his old valet-de-chambre. The youth perceiving him in such +an abject garb and attitude, commanded him to rise and tell the +cause of such a miserable reverse in his fortune. Upon which Hadgi +gave him to understand, that he had been ruined by his wife, who, +having robbed him of all his cash and valuable effects, had eloped +from his house with one of his own customers, who appeared in +the character of a French count, but was in reality no other than +an Italian fiddler; that, in consequence of this retreat, he, the +husband, was disabled from paying a considerable sum which he had +set apart for his wine merchant, who being disappointed in his +expectation, took out an execution against his effects; and the +rest of his creditors following his example, hunted him out of house +and home. So that, finding his person in danger at London, he had +been obliged to escape into the country, skulking about from one +village to another, till, being quite destitute of all support, he +had undertaken his present office, to save himself from starving. + +Peregrine listened with compassion to his lamentable tale, which +too well accounted for his not appearing in the Fleet, with offers +of service to his master in distress; a circumstance that Pickle +had all along imputed to his avarice and ingratitude. He assured +him, that, as he had been the means of throwing in his way the +temptation to which he fell a sacrifice, he would charge himself +with the retrieval of his affairs. In the meantime, he made him +taste of his bounty, and desired him to continue in his present +employment until he should return from the garrison, when he would +consider his situation, and do something for his immediate relief. + +Hadgi attempted to kiss his shoe, and wept, or affected to weep, +with sensibility at this gracious reception; he even made a merit +of his unwillingness to exercise his new occupation, and earnestly +begged that he might be allowed to give immediate attendance upon +his dear master, from whom he could not bear the thoughts of a +second parting. His entreaties were reinforced by the intercession +of his two friends, in consequence of which the Swiss was permitted +to follow them at his own leisure, while they set forward after a +slight repast, and reached the place of their destination before +ten o'clock at night. + +Peregrine, instead of alighting at the garrison, rode straightway +to his father's house; and no person appearing to receive him, not +even a servant to take care of his chaise, he dismounted without +assistance. Being followed by his two friends, he advanced into the +hall, where perceiving a bell-rope, he made immediate application +to it in such a manner as brought a couple of footmen into his +presence. After having reprimanded them, with a stern look, for +their neglect in point of attendance, he commanded them to show him +into an apartment; and as they seemed unwilling to yield obedience +to his orders, asked if they did not belong to the family? + +One of them, who took upon himself the office of spokesman, replied +with a sullen air, that they had been in the service of old Mr. +Pickle, and now that he was dead, thought themselves bound to obey +nobody but their lady, and her son Mr. Gamaliel. This declaration +had scarce proceeded from his mouth, when our hero gave them +to understand, that since they were not disposed to own any other +master, they must change their quarters immediately. He ordered +them to decamp without further preparation; and, as they still +continued restive, they were kicked out of doors by the captain and +his friend Hatchway. Squire Gam, who overheard everything that +passed, and was now more than ever inflamed with that rancour +which he had sucked with his mother's milk, flew to the assistance +of his adherents, with a pistol in each hand, bellowing "Thieves! +Thieves!" with great vociferation, as if he had mistaken the business +of the strangers, and actually believed himself in danger of being +robbed. Under this pretence he discharged a piece at his brother, +who luckily escaped the shot, closed with him in a moment, and, +wresting the other pistol from his grip, turned him out into the +courtyard, to the consolation of his two dependents. + +By this time, Pipes and the two postilions had taken possession of +the stables, without being opposed by the coachman and his deputy, +who quietly submitted to the authority of their new sovereign. +But the noise of the pistol had alarmed Mrs. Pickle, who, running +downstairs, with the most frantic appearance, attended by two +maids and the curate, who still maintained his place of chaplain +and ghostly director in the family, would have assaulted our hero +with her nails, had not she been restrained by her attendants. Though +they prevented her from using her hands, they could not hinder her +from exercising her tongue, which she wagged against him with all +the virulence of malice. She asked, if he were come to butcher +his brother, to insult his father's corpse, and triumph in her +affliction? She bestowed upon him the epithets of spendthrift, +jail-bird, and unnatural ruffian; she begged pardon of God for having +brought such a monster into the world; accused him of having brought +his father's grey hairs with sorrow to the grave; and affirmed, +that were he to touch the body, it would bleed at his approach. + +Without pretending to refute the articles of this ridiculous charge, +he allowed her to ring out her alarm; and then calmly replied, +that if she did not quietly retire to her chamber, and behave as +became a person in her present situation, he should insist upon her +removing to another lodging without delay; for he was determined +to be master in his own family. The lady, who, in all probability, +expected that he would endeavour to appease her with all the +tenderness of filial submission, was so much exasperated at his +cavalier behaviour, that her constitution could not support the +transports of her spirits; and she was carried off by her women in +a fit, while the officious clergyman was dismissed after his pupil, +with all the circumstances of disgrace. + +Our hero having thus made his quarters good, took possession of +the best apartment in the house, and sent notice of his arrival to +Mr. Clover, who, with his wife, visited him in less than an hour, +and was not a little surprised to find him so suddenly settled +in his father's house. The meeting of Julia and her brother was +extremely pathetic. She had always loved him with uncommon tenderness, +and looked upon him as the ornament of her family; but she had +heard of his extravagances with regret, and though she considered +the stories that were circulated at his expense, as the malicious +exaggerations of his mother and her darling son, her apprehension +had been grievously alarmed by an account of his imprisonment and +distress, which had been accidentally conveyed to that country by +a gentleman from London, who had been formerly of his acquaintance; +she could not, therefore, without the most tender emotions of joy, +see him, as it were, restored to his rightful inheritance, and +re-established in that station of life which she thought he could +fill with dignity and importance. + +After their mutual expressions of affection, she retired to her +mother's chamber, with a view to make a second offer of her service +and attendance, which had been already rejected with scorn since +her father's death; while Peregrine consulted his brother-in-law +about the affairs of the family, so far as they had fallen within +his cognizance and observation. Mr. Clover told him, that, though +he was never favoured with the confidence of the defunct, he knew +some of his intimates, who had been tampered with by Mrs. Pickle, +and even engaged to second the remonstrances by which she had +often endeavoured to persuade her husband to settle his affairs +by a formal will; but that he had from time to time evaded their +importunities with surprising excuses of procrastination, that +plainly appeared to be the result of invention and design, far above +the supposed pitch of his capacity; a circumstance from which Mr. +Clover concluded, that the old gentleman imagined his life would +not have been secure, had he once taken such a step as would have +rendered it unnecessary to the independence of his second son. He +moreover observed, that, in consequence of this information, he +no sooner heard of Mr. Pickle's death, which happened at the club, +than he went directly with a lawyer to his house, before any cabal +or conspiracy could be formed against the rightful heir; and, in +presence of witnesses provided for the purpose, sealed up all the +papers of the deceased, after the widow had, in the first transports +of her sorrow and vexation, fairly owned, that her husband had died +intestate. + +Peregrine was extremely well satisfied with this intelligence, by +which all his doubts were dispelled; and, having cheerfully supped +with his friends on a cold collation, which his brother-in-law had +brought in his chariot, they retired to rest, in different chambers, +after Julia had met with another repulse from her capricious mother, +whose overflowing rage had now subsided into the former channel +of calm inveteracy. Next morning the house was supplied with some +servants from the garrison, and preparations were made for the funeral +of the deceased. Gam having taken lodgings in the neighbourhood, +came with a chaise and cart to demand his mother, together with his +own clothes, and her personal effects. Our hero, though he would +not suffer him to enter the door, allowed his proposal to be +communicated to the widow, who eagerly embraced the opportunity of +removing, and was, with her own baggage, and that of her beloved +son, conveyed to the place which he had prepared for her reception. +Thither she was followed by her woman, who was desired by Peregrine +to assure her mistress, that, until a regular provision could be +settled upon her, she might command him, in point of money, or any +other accommodation in his power. + + + + + +CHAPTER CV. + + + + +He performs the last Offices to his Father, and returns to London, +upon a very interesting Design. + + +Suits of mourning being provided for himself, his friends and +adherents, and every other previous measure taken suitable to the +occasion, his father was interred, in a private manner, in the +parish church; and his papers being examined, in presence of many +persons of honour and integrity, invited for that purpose, no will +was found, or any other deed, in favour of the second son, though +it appeared by the marriage settlement, that the widow was entitled +to a jointure of five hundred pounds a year. The rest of his papers +consisted of East India bonds, South Sea annuities, mortgages, notes, +and assignments, to the amount of four score thousand seven hundred +and sixty pounds, exclusive of the house, plate and furniture, +horses, equipage, and cattle, with the garden and park adjacent, +to a very considerable extent. + +This was a sum that even exceeded his expectation, and could not +fail to entertain his fancy with the most agreeable ideas. He found +himself immediately a man of vast consequence among his country +neighbours, who visited him with compliments of congratulation, +and treated him with such respect as would have effectually spoiled +any young man of his disposition, who had not the same advantages +of experience as he had already purchased at a very extravagant +price. Thus shielded with caution, he bore his prosperity with +surprising temperance; everybody was charmed with his affability +and moderation. When he made a circuit round the gentlemen of the +district, in order to repay the courtesy which he owed, he was +caressed by them with uncommon assiduity, and advised to offer +himself as a candidate for the county at the next election, which, +they supposed, would soon happen, because the present member was in +a declining state of health. Nor did his person and address escape +unheeded by the ladies, many of whom did not scruple to spread their +attractions before him, with a view of captivating such a valuable +prize: nay, such an impression did this legacy make upon a certain +peer, who resided in this part of the country, that he cultivated +Pickle's acquaintance with great eagerness, and, without +circumlocution, offered to him in marriage his only daughter, with +a very considerable fortune. + +Our hero expressed himself upon this occasion as became a man of +honour, sensibility, and politeness, and frankly gave his lordship +to understand, that his heart was already engaged. He was pleased +with the opportunity of making such a sacrifice of his passion +for Emilia, which, by this time, inflamed his thoughts to such a +degree of impatience, that he resolved to depart for London with +all possible speed; and for that purpose industriously employed +almost every hour of his time in regulating his domestic affairs. +He paid off all his father's servants, and hired others, at +the recommendation of his sister, who promised to superintend his +household in his absence. He advanced the first half-yearly payment +of his mother's jointure; and as for his brother Gam, he gave him +divers opportunities of acknowledging his faults, so that he might +have answered to his own conscience for taking any step in his +favour; but that young gentleman was not yet sufficiently humbled +by misfortune, and not only forbore to make any overtures of peace, +but also took all occasions to slander the conduct and revile the +person of our hero, being in this practice comforted and abetted +by his righteous mamma. + +Everything being thus settled for the present, the triumvirate set +out on their return to town in the same manner with that in which +they had arrived in the country, except in this small variation, +that Hatchway's chaise-companion was now the valet-de-chambre +refitted, instead of Pipes, who, with another lacquey, attended them +on horseback. When they had performed two-thirds of their way to +London, they chanced to overtake a country squire, on his return +from a visit to one of his neighbours, who had entertained him +with such hospitality, that, as the lieutenant observed, he rolled +himself almost gunwale to every motion of his horse, which was a +fine hunter; and when the chaise passed him at full speed, he set +up the sportsman's halloo, in a voice that sounded like a French +horn, clapping spurs to Sorrel at the same time, in order to keep +up with the pace of the machine. + +Peregrine, who was animated with an uncommon flow of spirits, ordered +his postilion to proceed more softly; and entered into conversation +with the stranger, touching the make and mettle of his horse, +upon which he descanted with so much learning, that the squire was +astonished at his knowledge. When they approached his habitation, +he invited the young gentleman and his company to halt, and drink a +bottle of his ale; and was so pressing in his solicitation, that +they complied with his request. He accordingly conducted them +through a spacious avenue, that extended as far as the highway, +to the gate of a large chateau, of a most noble and venerable +appearance, which induced them to alight and view the apartments, +contrary to their first intention of drinking a glass of his October +at the door. + +The rooms were every way suitable to the magnificence of the outside, +and our hero imagined they had made a tour through the whole sweep, +when the landlord gave him to understand that they had not yet seen +the best apartment of the house, and immediately led them into a +spacious dining-room, which Peregrine did not enter without giving +manifest signs of uncommon astonishment. The panels all round were +covered with portraits at full length, by Vandyke; and not one of +them appeared without a ridiculous tie-periwig, in the style of +those that usually hang over the shops of twopenny barbers. The +straight boots in which the figures had been originally painted, +and the other circumstances of attitude and drapery, so inconsistent +with this monstrous furniture of the head, exhibited such a ludicrous +appearance, that Pickle's wonder, in a little time, gave way to +his mirth, and he was seized with a violent fit of laughter, which +had well-nigh deprived him of his breath. + +The squire, half-pleased and half-offended at this expression of +ridicule, "I know," said he, "what makes you laugh so woefully; +you think it strange to zee my vorefathers booted and spurred, with +huge three-tailed periwigs on their pates. The truth of the matter +is this: I could not abide to zee the pictures of my vamily with a +parcel of loose hair hanging about their eyes, like zo many colts; +and zo I employed a painter vellow from Lundon to clap decent +periwigs upon their skulls, at the rate of vive shillings a head, +and offered him three shillings a piece to furnish each with +a handsome pair of shoes and stockings: but the rascal, thinking +I must have 'em done at any price after their heads were covered, +haggled with me for vour shillings a picture; and zo, rather than +be imposed upon, I turned him off, and shall let 'em stand as they +are, till zome more reasonable brother of the brush comes round +the country." + +Pickle commended his resolution, though in his heart, he blessed +himself from such a barbarous Goth; and, after they had despatched +two or three bottles of his beer, they proceeded on their journey, +and arrived in town about eleven at night. + + + + + +CHAPTER CVI. + + + + +He enjoys an interview with Emilia, and makes himself ample Amends +for all the Mortifications of his Life. + + +Godfrey, who had taken leave of his sister, on pretence of making +a short excursion with Peregrine, whose health required the enjoyment +of fresh air, after his long confinement, sent a message to her, +that same night, announcing his arrival, and giving her notice that +he would breakfast with her next morning; when he and our hero, +who had dressed himself for the purpose, taking a hackney-coach, +repaired to her lodging, and were introduced into a parlour adjoining +to that in which the tea-table was set. Here they had not waited +many minutes when they heard the sound of feet coming downstairs; +upon which our hero's heart began to beat the alarm. He concealed +himself behind the screen, by the direction of his friend, whose +ears being saluted with Sophy's voice from the next room, he flew +into it with great ardour, and enjoyed upon her lips the sweet +transports of a meeting so unexpected; for he had left her in her +father's house at Windsor. + +Amidst these emotions, he had almost forgotten the situation of +Peregrine; when Emilia, assuming her enchanting air: "Is not this," +said she, "a most provoking scene to a young woman like me, who +am doomed to wear the willow, by the strange caprice of my lover? +Upon my word, brother, you have done me infinite prejudice, in promoting +this jaunt with my obstinate correspondent; who, I suppose, is so +ravished with this transient glimpse of liberty, that be will never +be persuaded to incur unnecessary confinement for the future."--"My +dear sister," replied the captain tauntingly, "your own pride set +him the example; so you must e'en stand to the consequence of his +imitation."--"'Tis a hard case, however," answered the fair offender, +"that I should suffer all my life, by one venial trespass. Heigh +ho! who would imagine that a sprightly girl, such as I, with ten +thousand pounds, should go a begging? I have a good mind to marry +the next person that asks me the question, in order to be revenged +upon this unyielding humourist. Did the dear fellow discover no +inclination to see me, in all the term of his releasement? Well, +if ever I can catch the fugitive again, he shall sing in his cage +for life." + +It is impossible to convey to the reader a just idea of Peregrine's +transports, while he overheard this declaration; which was no sooner +pronounced, than, unable to resist the impetuosity of his passion, +he sprung from his lurking-place, exclaiming, "Here I surrender!" +and rushing into her presence, was so dazzled with her beauty, +that his speech failed. He was fixed like a statue to the floor; +and all his faculties were absorbed in admiration. Indeed, she was +now in the full bloom of her charms, and it was nearly impossible +to look upon her without emotion. What then must have been the ecstasy +of our youth, whose passion was whetted with all the incitements +which could stimulate the human heart! The ladies screamed with +surprise at his appearance, and Emilia underwent such agitation +as flushed every charm with irresistible energy: her cheeks glowed +with a most delicate suffusion, and her bosom heaved with such +bewitching undulation, that the cambric could not conceal or contain +the snowy hemispheres, that rose like a vision of paradise to his +view. + +While he was almost fainting with unutterable delight, she seemed +to sink under the tumults of tenderness and confusion; when our +hero, perceiving her condition, obeyed the impulse of his love, +and circled the charmer in his arms, without suffering the least +frown or symptom of displeasure. Not all the pleasures of his +life had amounted to the ineffable joy of this embrace, in which +he continued for some minutes totally entranced. He fastened upon +her pouting lips with all the eagerness of rapture; and, while his +brain seemed to whirl round with transport, exclaimed, in a delirium +of bliss, "Heaven and earth! this is too much to bear." + +His imagination was accordingly relieved, and his attention in some +measure divided, by the interposition of Sophy, who kindly chid +him for his having overlooked his old friends. Thus accosted, he +quitted his delicious armful, and, saluting Mrs. Gauntlet, asked +pardon for his neglect; observing that such rudeness was excusable, +considering the long and unhappy exile which he had suffered from +the jewel of his soul. Then turning to Emilia, "I am come, madam," +said he, "to claim the performance of your promise, which I can +produce under your own fair hand. You may, therefore, lay aside all +superfluous ceremony and shyness, and crown my happiness without +further delay; for, upon my soul! my thoughts are wound up to the +last pitch of expectation, and I shall certainly run distracted, +if I am doomed to any term of probation." + +His mistress having by this time recollected herself, replied, +with a most exhilarating smile, "I ought to punish you for your +obstinacy with the mortification of a twelvemonth's trial; but +it is dangerous to tamper with an admirer of your disposition, +and therefore, I think, I must make sure of you while it is in my +power."--"You are willing then to take me for better, for worse, in +presence of heaven and these witnesses?" cried Peregrine kneeling, +and applying her hand to his lips. At this interrogation, her +features softened into an amazing expression of condescending love; +and, while she darted a side glance that thrilled to his marrow, +and heaved a sigh more soft than Zephyr's balmy wing, her answer +was, "Why--ay--and heaven grant me patience to bear the humours of +such a yoke-fellow."--"And may the same powers," replied the youth, +"grant me life and opportunity to manifest the immensity of my +love. Meanwhile, I have eighty thousand pounds, which shall be laid +immediately in your lap." + +So saying, he sealed the contract upon her lips, and explained the +mystery of his last words, which had begun to operate upon the wonder +of the two sisters. Sophy was agreeably surprised with the account +of his good fortune; nor was it, in all probability, unacceptable +to the lovely Emilia; though, from this information, she took +an opportunity to upbraid her admirer with the inflexibility of +his pride, which, she scrupled not to say, would have baffled all +the suggestions of his passion, had it not been gratified by this +providential event. + +Matters being thus happily matured, the lover begged that immediate +recourse might be had to the church, and his happiness ascertained +before night. But the bride objected with great vehemence to such +precipitation, being desirous of her mother's presence at the +ceremony; and she was seconded in her opinion by her brother's +wife. Peregrine, maddening with desire, assaulted her with the +most earnest entreaties, representing, that, as her mother's consent +was already obtained, there was surely no necessity for delay, +that must infallibly make a dangerous impression upon his brain and +constitution. He fell at her feet in all the agony of impatience; +and swore his life and intellects would actually be in jeopardy by +her refusal; and, when she attempted to argue him out of his demand, +began to rage with such extravagance, that Sophy was frightened +into conviction; and Godfrey enforcing the remonstrances of his +friend, the amiable Emilia was teased into compliance. + +After breakfast the bridegroom and his companion set out for the +Commons for a licence, having first agreed upon the house at which +the ceremony should be performed, in the lodgings of the bride; +and the permission being obtained, they found means to engage +a clergyman, who undertook to attend them at their own time and +place. Then a ring was purchased for the occasion; and they went +in search of the lieutenant, with whom they dined at a tavern, and +not only made him acquainted with the steps they had taken, but +desired that he would stand godfather to the bride: an employment +which Jack accepted with demonstrations of particular satisfaction; +till chancing to look into the street, and seeing Cadwallader +approach the door, in consequence of a message they had sent to +him by Pipes, be declined the office in favour of the senior, who +was accordingly ordained for that purpose, on the supposition that +such a mark of regard might facilitate his concurrence with a match, +which otherwise he would certainly oppose, as he was a professed +enemy to wedlock, and, as yet, ignorant of Peregrine's intention. + +After having congratulated Pickle upon his succession, and shook +his two friends by the hand, the misanthrope asked whose mare was +dead, that he was summoned in such a plaguy hurry from his dinner, +which he had been fain to gobble up like a cannibal? Our hero gave +him to understand, that they had made an appointment to drink tea +with two agreeable ladies, and were unwilling that he should lose +the opportunity of enjoying an entertainment which he loved so +much. Crabtree, shrivelling up his face like an autumn leaf at +this intimation, cursed his complaisance, and swore they should +keep their assignation without him; for he and lechery had shook +bands many years ago. + +The bridegroom, however, likening him unto an old coachman who still +delights in the smack of the whip, and dropping some flattering +hints of his manhood, even at these years, he was gradually prevailed +upon to accompany them to the place of rendezvous; where, being +ushered into a dining-room, they had not waited three minutes, +when they were joined by the parson, who had observed the hour with +great punctuality. + +This gentleman no sooner entered the room, than Cadwallader, in +a whisper to Gauntlet, asked if that was not the cock-b--d; and, +before the captain could make any reply, "What an unconscionable w-- +master the rogue is! "said he, "scarce discharged from confinement, +and sweetened with a little fresh air, when he wenches with a pimp +in canonicals in his pay." The door again opened, and Emilia broke +in upon them, with such dignity of mien, and divinity of aspect, +as inspired every spectator with astonishment and admiration. The +lieutenant, who had not seen her since her charms were ripened +into such perfection, expressed his wonder and approbation in +an exclamation of "Add's zooks! what a glorious galley!" and the +misanthrope's visage was instantly metamorphosed into the face of +a mountain goat. He licked his lips instinctively, snuffed the air, +and squinted with a most horrible obliquity of vision. + +The bride and her sister being seated, and Hatchway having renewed +his acquaintance with the former, who recognized him with particular +civility, Peregrine withdrew into another apartment with his friend +Crabtree, to whom he imparted the design of his meeting; which the +latter no sooner understood, than he attempted to retreat, without +making any other reply than that of "Pshaw! rot your matrimony! +can't you put your neck in the noose, without my being a witness +of your folly?" + +The young gentleman, in order to vanquish this aversion, stepped to +the door of the next room, and begged the favour of speaking with +Emilia, to whom he introduced the testy old bachelor as one of his +particular friends, who desired to have the honour of giving her +away. The bewitching smile with which she received his salute, and +granted his request, at once overcame the disapprobation of the +misanthrope, who, with a relaxation in his countenance, which had +never been perceived before that instant, thanked her in the most +polite terms for such an agreeable mark of distinction. He accordingly +led her to the dining-room, where the ceremony was performed without +delay; and after the husband had asserted his prerogative on her +lips, the whole company saluted her by the name of Mrs. Pickle. + +I shall leave the sensible reader to judge what passed at this +juncture within the bosoms of the new-married couple: Peregrine's +heart was fired with inexpressible ardour and impatience; while +the transports of the bride were mingled with a dash of diffidence +and apprehension. Gauntlet saw it would be too much for both to +bear their present tantalizing situation till night, without some +amusement to divert their thoughts; and therefore proposed to pass +part of the evening at the public entertainments in Marylebone +gardens, which were at that time frequented by the best company in +town. The scheme was relished by the discreet Sophy, who saw the +meaning of the proposal, and the bride submitted to the persuasion +of her sister; so that, after tea, two coaches were called, +and Peregrine was forcibly separated from his charmer during the +conveyance. + +The new-married couple and their company having made shift to spend +the evening, and supped on a slight collation in one of the boxes, +Peregrine's patience was almost quite exhausted, and taking Godfrey +aside, he imparted his intention to withdraw in private from the +sea-wit of his friend Hatchway, who would otherwise retard his +bliss with unseasonable impediments, which, at present, he could +not possibly bear. Gauntlet, who sympathized with his impatience, +undertook to intoxicate the lieutenant with bumpers to the joy of +the bride, and, in the meantime, desired Sophy to retire with his +sister, under the auspices of Cadwallader, who promised to squire +them home. + +The ladies were accordingly conducted to the coach, and Jack proposed +to the captain, that, for the sake of the joke, the bridegroom +should be plied with liquor, in such a manner as would effectually +disable him from enjoying the fruits of his good-fortune for one night +at least. Gauntlet seemed to relish the scheme, and they prevailed +upon Pickle to accompany them to a certain tavern, on pretence of +drinking a farewell glass to a single life: there the bottle was +circulated, till Hatchway's brain began to suffer innovation. As +he had secured our hero's hat and sword, he felt no apprehension of +an elopement, which, however, was effected; and the youth hastened +on the wings of love to the arms of his enchanting bride. He found +Crabtree in a parlour waiting for his return, and disposed to +entertain him with a lecture upon temperance; to which he paid very +little attention, but ringing for Emilia's maid, desired to know +if her mistress was in bed. Being answered in the affirmative, he +sent her up-stairs to announce his arrival, undressed himself to a +loose gown and slippers, and, wishing the misanthrope good night, +after having desired to see him next day, followed in person to +the delicious scene, where he found her elegantly dished out, the +fairest daughter of chastity and love. + +When he approached, she was overwhelmed with confusion, and hid +her lovely face from his transporting view. Mrs. Gauntlet, seeing +his eyes kindled at the occasion, kissed her charming sister, who, +throwing her snowy arms about her neck, would have detained her in +the room, had not Peregrine gently disengaged her confidante from +her embrace, and conducted her trembling to the door; which having +bolted and barricadoed, he profited by his good fortune, and his +felicity was perfect. + +Next day he rose about noon, and found his three friends assembled, +when he learned that Jack had fallen in his own snare, and been +obliged to lie in the same tavern where he fell; a circumstance of +which he was so much ashamed, that Peregrine and his wife escaped +many jokes, which he would have certainly cracked, had he not lain +under the imputation of this disgrace. In half an hour after he +came down, Mrs. Pickle appeared with Sophy, blushing like Aurora +or the goddess of health, and sending forth emanations of beauty +unparalleled. She was complimented upon her change of situation +by all present, and by none more warmly than by old Crabtree, who +declared himself so well satisfied with his friend's fortune, as +to be almost reconciled to that institution, against which he had +declaimed during the best part of his life. + +An express was immediately despatched to Mrs. Gauntlet, with an +account of her daughter's marriage: a town-house was hired, and a +handsome equipage set up, in which the new-married pair appeared +at all public places, to the astonishment of our adventurer's +fair-weather friends, and the admiration of all the world: for, +in point of figure, such another couple was not to be found in the +whole United Kingdom. Envy despaired, and detraction was struck +dumb, when our hero's new accession of fortune was consigned +to the celebration of public fame: Emilia attracted the notice of +all observers, from the pert Templar to the Sovereign himself, who +was pleased to bestow encomiums upon the excellence of her beauty. +Many persons of consequence, who had dropped the acquaintance of +Peregrine in the beginning of his decline, now made open efforts to +cultivate his friendship anew; but he discouraged all these advances +with the most mortifying disdain; and one day when the nobleman, +whom he had formerly obliged, came up to him in the drawing-room, +with the salutation of "Your servant, Mr. Pickle," he eyed him with +a look of ineffable contempt, saying, "I suppose your lordship is +mistaken in your man," and turned his head another way in presence +of the whole court. + +When he had made a circuit round all the places frequented by +the beau-monde, to the utter confusion of those against whom his +resentment was kindled; paid off his debts, and settled his money +matters in town, Hatchway was dismissed to the country, in order to +prepare for the reception of his fair Emilia. In a few days after +his departure, the whole company, Cadwallader himself included, +set out for his father's house, and, in their way, took up Mrs. +Gauntlet, the mother, who was sincerely rejoiced to see our hero in +the capacity of her son-in-law. From her habitation they proceeded +homewards at an easy pace, and, amidst the acclamations of the whole +parish, entered their own house, where Emilia was received in the +most tender manner by Mr. Clover's wife, who had provided everything +for her ease and accommodation; and, next day, surrendered +unto her the management of her own household affairs. + + +End of The Project Gutenberg Etext of The Adventures of Peregrine Pickle +by Tobias Smollett + |