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diff --git a/40653-8.txt b/40653-8.txt deleted file mode 100644 index 37bdfde..0000000 --- a/40653-8.txt +++ /dev/null @@ -1,4524 +0,0 @@ -The Project Gutenberg EBook of A Will and No Will or A Bone for the -Lawyers. (1746) The New Play Criticiz'd, or the Plague of Envy (1747), by Charles Macklin - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with -almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or -re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included -with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org - - -Title: A Will and No Will or A Bone for the Lawyers. (1746) The New Play Criticiz'd, or the Plague of Envy (1747) - -Author: Charles Macklin - -Editor: Jean B. Kern - -Release Date: September 3, 2012 [EBook #40653] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK A WILL AND NO WILL *** - - - - -Produced by Chris Curnow, Joseph Cooper and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net - - - - - - -THE AUGUSTAN REPRINT SOCIETY - - -CHARLES MACKLIN - - -_A WILL AND NO WILL_, -OR _A Bone for the Lawyers_. - -(1746) - - -_THE NEW PLAY CRITICIZ'D_, -OR _The Plague of Envy_. - -(1747) - - -_Introduction by_ -JEAN B. KERN - - -PUBLICATION NUMBERS 127-128 -WILLIAM ANDREWS CLARK MEMORIAL LIBRARY -UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA, LOS ANGELES -1967 - -GENERAL EDITORS - -George Robert Guffey, _University of California, Los Angeles_ -Maximillian E. Novak, _University of California, Los Angeles_ -Robert Vosper, _William Andrews Clark Memorial Library_ - - ADVISORY EDITORS - - Richard C. Boys, _University of Michigan_ - James L. Clifford, _Columbia University_ - Ralph Cohen, _University of Virginia_ - Vinton A. Dearing, _University of California, Los Angeles_ - Arthur Friedman, _University of Chicago_ - Louis A. Landa, _Princeton University_ - Earl Miner, _University of California, Los Angeles_ - Samuel H. Monk, _University of Minnesota_ - Everett T. Moore, _University of California, Los Angeles_ - Lawrence Clark Powell, _William Andrews Clark Memorial Library_ - James Sutherland, _University College, London_ - H. T. Swedenberg, Jr., _University of California, Los Angeles_ - - CORRESPONDING SECRETARY - - Edna C. Davis, _William Andrews Clark Memorial Library_ - - - - -Transcriber's Note: Footnote markers are missing for notes 9, 10, and -11 in the Notes to the Plays. - - - - -INTRODUCTION - - -The manuscript copies of these two plays by Charles Macklin, A WILL -AND NO WILL, OR A BONE FOR THE LAWYERS (1746) and THE NEW PLAY -CRITICIZ'D, OR THE PLAGUE OF ENVY (1747), are in the Larpent -Collection of the Huntington Library along with a third afterpiece -_The Covent Garden Theatre, or Pasquin Turn'd Drawcansir_ (1752) -already reproduced in facsimile as Number 116 of the Augustan Reprint -Society.[1] Since the introduction to _Covent Garden Theatre_ (ARS -116) already gives general biographical information on this -actor-playwright, Charles Macklin, as well as an indication of the -revived interest in his plays, this introduction will be limited to -the two afterpieces here reproduced. - -A WILL AND NO WILL, OR A BONE FOR THE LAWYERS (Larpent 58) was first -produced in 1746 and revived many times up to March 29, 1756, unlike -_The Covent Garden Theatre_ which was given only one performance in -1752. The Larpent manuscript 58 copy of A WILL AND NO WILL bears the -handwritten application of James Lacy to the Lord Chamberlain for -permission to perform the farce for Mrs. Macklin's benefit. It was -first performed at the Drury Lane Theatre April 23, 1746, following -_Humours of the Army_.[2] Sometimes advertised with a different -subtitle as A WILL AND NO WILL, OR A NEW CASE FOR THE LAWYERS,[3] it -was revived March 22, 1748, for Macklin's own benefit and apparently -was more popular in the revival since it was repeated five more times -on March 29, 31 and April 11, 21, 22.[4] The last performance listed -in _The London Stage_, Part 4, II, 535, was for Macklin's daughter's -benefit on March 29, 1756. - -Macklin's two-act farce, A WILL AND NO WILL, is based on Regnard's -five-act comedy _le Legetaire Universel_ (1707), which is itself a -composite of Italian comedy with echoes of Molière, moving from scene -to scene with little effort at logical consistency or structure but -treating each scene autonomously for its own comic value.[5] Macklin -condensed and tightened Regnard's five-act plot into a two-act -afterpiece; the role of the apothecary is greatly reduced into the -stock London-stage Frenchman, du Maigre, who can barely speak English; -the servant Lucy is more the English maid than the French _bonne_ of -the Regnard play who gave orders to her master; and the satire of -Macklin's afterpiece is directed not only at lawyers and physicians, -as in the Regnard play, but at Methodist itinerant preachers. Finally -Macklin's plot was both complicated and tightened by having the -lawyers summoned to draw up the marriage contract, also take down the -will of the supposed Skinflint, thus making the marriage a condition -of the will. - -The rather long Prologue to A WILL AND NO WILL (11 pages of -manuscript) makes fun of the convention of the eighteenth century -prologues by the familiar dodge of having two actors chatting as -though they were in the Pit waiting for the actors in the main play to -dress for the afterpiece. The conversation of the Prologue is -enlivened by the appearance of an Irish lawyer come to see the play -about lawyers. His impossibly long name, -Laughlinbulhuderry-Mackshoughlinbulldowny, contains hints of Macklin's -own name, and this is also one of Macklin's wonderful Irishmen who -never acted except in school where he spoke the Prologue, he says, of -one of Terence's tragedies when the play was over. His -mispronunciations and inaccuracies put him at the head of the list of -stage Irishmen whom Macklin, an Irishman himself, could portray with -delight and authority. - -Another feature of the long Prologue to this farce is Macklin's -reference to the failure of his own tragedy _Henry VII_ (1745), for -Snarlewit proclaims that he never had so much fun in his life as at -Macklin's "merry Tragedy." The ability to laugh at his own failure to -construct a tragedy hastily in time to capitalize on the invasion -attempt of 1745, together with his reference to his own name in his -caricature of the Irish lawyer undoubtedly help explain the success of -this farcical afterpiece. - -Occasional marks of the Licenser on the manuscript, most notably -opposite Shark's lines about statesmen at the end of Act I, are all -underscored in the typescript of the play. - -The second afterpiece here reproduced, THE NEW PLAY CRITICIZ'D, OR THE -PLAGUE OF ENVY (Larpent 64), is an amusing bit of dramatic criticism -of Benjamin Hoadly's _The Suspicious Husband_ which had opened at the -Covent Garden Theatre on February 12, 1747, and was given many times -including performances on March 21, 24 and April 28, 30 of the same -year.[6] Again the title page of the Macklin afterpiece bears the -handwritten request of James Lacy, dated March 17, 1747, for the Lord -Chamberlain's permission to perform the play for Macklin's benefit at -Drury Lane on March 24. Both performances, then, of Macklin's closely -related afterpiece, THE NEW PLAY CRITICIZ'D, were given at Drury Lane -on nights when Hoadly's _The Suspicious Husband_ was also being -performed at the rival theatre, March 24 and April 30, 1747. It was -even possible for a spectator to see Hoadly's play at Covent Garden -and then catch Macklin's related farcical afterpiece at the Drury Lane -Theatre on the same night. Or if that required too difficult a change -of _locus_, it was still possible to see _The Suspicious Husband_ on -March 21 or April 28 and THE SUSPICIOUS HUSBAND CRITICIZ'D (as -Macklin's play is entitled in James T. Kirkman's _Memoirs of the Life -of Charles Macklin, Esq._, II, 443) a few days later on March 24 or -April 30; such was the immediacy of the appeal of Macklin's -afterpiece. - -While Macklin was capitalizing on the popularity of a new play, he -also, in THE NEW PLAY CRITICIZ'D, gave ironic portraits of rival -playwrights who damned a play out of envy (note the subtitle, THE -PLAGUE OF ENVY) for such trivial faults as the use of _suspicious_ -instead of _jealous_ in the title, or for the lacing of Ranger's hat. -Macklin's satiric portraits of such envious scribblers who were ready -to attack any new author in Journals, Epigrams, and Pamphlets are -lively records of mid-eighteenth century subjective criticism. Canker, -the envious playwright in the afterpiece, calls Ranger "a Harlequin" -and Mr. Strickland, "Columbine's husband." Canker objects to the -escapes, scenes in the dark, and the rope ladder, though the young -lovers, Heartly and Harriet in Macklin's afterpiece, vow the ladder is -a device they themselves will use if Harriet is forced by her aunt to -marry Canker. Again an Irishman, Sir Patrick Bashfull, enlivens the -farce by his pretense of being a Frenchman, Fitzbashfull, "of Irish -distraction." Bashfull's literal criticism of Hoadly's play serves as -a good foil for the carping criticism of the envious playwrights: -Plagiary, Grubwit, and Canker; or the nonsense of the foolish critics: -Nibble and Trifle. The farce ends with Canker completely routed and -Heartly's suggestion that their hour's conversation would make a -_petit piece_ in itself if Lady Critick would only write it down. - -The limited appeal of this kind of related, topical afterpiece -probably explains why it was performed only twice, following a -performance of _Hamlet_ on March 24, 1747, for Macklin's benefit, and -following _Julius Caesar_ on April 30, 1747, for the benefit of -Garrick who had appeared as Ranger in the original cast of Hoadly's -play. The separate Prologue to Macklin's afterpiece is addressed to -Mr. Macklin in Bow Street, Covent Garden, and attributed to Hely -Hutcheson, Provost of Trinity College by William Cooke's _Memoirs of -Charles Macklin, Comedian_ (1804), p. 152. - -These two afterpieces, A WILL AND NO WILL (1746) and THE NEW PLAY -CRITICIZ'D (1747) along with _Covent Garden Theatre_ (1752), ARS 116, -bring up to date the publication of Charles Macklin's unpublished -work. It is to be hoped that a definitive critical edition of his -writing for the eighteenth-century stage will soon follow. - -A word should be added about the editor's changes of these two plays -in the typescript. From the facsimile edition of Macklin's _Covent -Garden Theatre_ (ARS 116) it should already be evident that Macklin's -scribes in these three plays in the Larpent Collection were -inconsistent both in spelling and punctuation. The _Covent Garden -Theatre_ appeared in facsimile in response to requests for an -eighteenth-century facsimile for use in graduate seminars, because of -the clarity of its handwriting. The other two plays are here -reproduced in typescript since the condition of the manuscripts made -facsimile reproduction unfeasible. In the preparation of the -typescript for these remaining two plays, certain problems had of -necessity to be decided arbitrarily. Wherever it was possible, the -manuscript spelling has been preserved. Punctuation and capitals had -to be altered where sentences were run together or new sentences began -with small letters. The number of capital letters was reduced since -these followed no consistent pattern for emphasis and varied between -the scribes of the manuscripts. Nouns were left capitalized to -preserve the eighteenth-century flavor. Proper names have been -corrected to a recognizable form (Ranelagh for Renelagh, Zoilus for -Ziolus, for example); French phrases have been left in the manuscript -spelling for those characters who misuse French, such as Sir Patrick -Bashfull in THE NEW PLAY CRITICIZ'D. The occasional confusions of -characters or speakers have been corrected, with separate notes -explaining each change. All marks of the Licenser are in italics; all -words or letters interpolated by the editor are in brackets; all stage -directions are in parentheses. Applications by the Theatre Manager, -James Lacy, for permission to perform the plays, appear in notes. - -Coe College - - - - -NOTES TO THE INTRODUCTION - - -[1] As indicated in the Introduction to _The Covent Garden Theatre, or -Pasquin Turn'd Drawcansir_, Number 116, Augustan Reprint Society, the -author is indebted to the Henry E. Huntington Library, San Marino, -California, both for a Research Fellowship in the summer of 1963 and -for permission to reproduce the three Macklin plays in the Larpent -Collection (Larpent 58, 64 and 96) which had not previously been -printed. - -[2] Arthur H. Scouten, _The London Stage_ (Carbondale, Ill., 1961), -Part 3, II, 1235. - -[3] James T. Kirkman, _Memoirs of the Life of Charles Macklin, Esq._ -(London, 1799), II, 443, lists this subtitle in an appendix of -Macklin's unprinted plays. - -[4] George Winchester Stone, _The London Stage_ (Carbondale, Ill., -1962), Part 4, 1, 38, 40, 41, 43, 47, 48. - -[5] Cf. Alexandre Calame, _Regnard sa vie et son oeuvre_ (Paris, -1960), pp. 323-333. - -[6] See _The London Stage_, Part 3, II, 1287-90, 1297, 1298, 1308, -1309 for the dates when Hoadly's _The Suspicious Husband_ and -Macklin's THE NEW PLAY CRITICIZ'D were performed close together. - - - - -A WILL AND NO WILL: - -OR - -A BONE FOR THE LAWYERS[1] - -PROLOGUE - - -DRAMATIS PERSONAE for the Prologue - - - RATTLE - SMART - DULLMAN - IRISHMAN - SNARLEWIT - - -(_The Curtain rises and discovers the Stage disposed in the Form of a -Pit and crowded with Actors who make a great Noise by Whistling and -Knocking for the Farce to begin_) - -_Rattle._ Consume them, why don't they begin? - -_Smart._ I suppose some of them that were in the Play are dressing for -the Farce. - -_Rattle._ Psha! damn the Farce! They have had time enough to dress -since the Play has been over. - -_Smart._ Dick Rattle, were you at the Boxing Match yesterday? - -_Rattle._ No, my Dear, I was at the breakfasting at Ranelagh.--Curse -catch me, Jack[2], if that is not a fine Woman in the upper Box there, -ha! - -_Smart._ So she is, by all that's charming,--but the poor Creature's -married; it's all over with her. - -_Rattle._ Smart, do you go to Newmarket this meeting,--upon my Soul -that's a lovely Woman on the right hand. But what the Devil can this -Prologue be about, I can't imagine. It has puzzled the whole Town. - -_Smart._ Depend upon it, Dick, it is as I said. - -_Rattle._ What's that? - -_Smart._ Why one of the Fransique's, the French Harlequin's Jokes; you -will find that one of the Players come upon the Stage presently, and -make a[n] Apologie that they are disappointed of the Prologue, upon -which Macklin, or some other Actor is to start up in the Pit, as one -of the Audience, and bawl out that rather than so much good Company -should be disappointed, he will speak a Prologue himself. - -_Rattle._ No, no, no, Smart. That's not it. I thought of that and have -been looking carefully all over the Pit, and there is not an Actor in -it. Now I fancy it is to be done like the Wall or the Man in the Moon -in Pyramus and Thisbe; Macklin will come in dressed like the Pit and -say: - - _Ladies and Gentlemen, I am the Pit - And a Prologue I'll speak if you think fit._ - -_Omnes._ Ha! ha! ha! - -_Smart._ By Gad, Rattle, I fancy you have hit it. What do you think, -Mr. Dullman? - -_Omnes._ Ay, let us have Mr. Dullman's Opinion of it. - -_Dull._ Why really, Gentlemen, I have been thinking of it ever since I -first read it in the Papers--and I fancy--though to be sure, it was -very difficult to find out--but at last, I think I have hit upon it. - -_Smart._ Well, well, my dear Dullman, communicate. - -_Dull._ I suppose there is some Person here among us whose name is -Pit, and that he will get up presently and speak a Prologue. - -_Omnes._ O, O, O, O, O, Shocking! Shocking! Well conjectured, Dullman. - -_Rattle._ Harkee, Jack, [let's] bam the Irishman. Ask him if he knows -anything of it. - -_Smart._ Don't you laugh then; he'll smoak us if you do; keep your -Countenance, and I'll engage I'll pitch-kettle him. Pray Sir, do you -know anything of this Prologue? - -_Irish._ Who, me? Not upon my Honour. I know no more of it than he -that made it. - -_Smart._ A Gentleman was saying just before the Play was over that you -were to be the Pit and to speak the Prologue; is there any truth in -it, Sir? - -_Irish._ No indeed, Sir, _it is as false as the Gospel_. I do assure -you, Sir, I never spoke a Pit or Prologue in my Life--but once when I -was at School, you must know, Sir,--we acted one of Terence's -Tragedies there, so when the Play was over I spoke the Prologue to it. - -_Omnes._ Ha! ha! ha! ha! - -_Smart._ I remember your Face very well. Pray Sir, don't you belong to -the Law? - -_Irish._ Yes, at your Service, Sir--and so did my Father and -Grandfather before me, and all my Posterity. I myself solicit Cause at -the old Bailey and Hick's Hall, so I am come to see this BONE FOR THE -LAWYERS, because they say it is a Pun upon us Gentlemen of the long -Robe. - -_Omnes._ Ha! ha! ha! - -_Rattle._ He is a poor ridiculous Fellow, Jack (_aside_); he is as -great a Teague as Barrington himself. - -_Smart._ Hush! Hush! Pray Sir, may I crave your name? - -_Irish._ Yes you may indeed and welcome, Sir. My name is -Laughlinbullruderrymackshoughlinbulldowny, at your Service. And if you -have any Friend who is indicted for Robbery or Murder at any time or -has any other Law Suits upon his Hands at the old Bailey or Hick's -Hall, I should be proud to serve you and to be concerned in the Cause -likewise. - -_Smart._ Whenever I have a Friend in such Circumstances, you may -depend upon being retained. - -_Irish._ Sir, I'll assure you no megrim. England understands the -Practice of those Courts better than myself. I know my Croaker upon -all the _In res_ and for an Evidence, the Devil a Man in Westminster -Hall can tell an Evidence what to say better than I that shits here; -or hark you, if you should happen to want a Witness upon Occasion, I -believe, Sir, I could serve you. - -_Smart._ I am infinitely obliged to you. (_Bowing_) - -_Irish._ Sir, I am your most obsequious. (_Bowing_) - -_Rattle._ But pray Sir, what kind of Prologue do you think we shall -have tonight? - -_Irish._ Why I believe it will be a kind of Prologue that will be -spoken by the Pit. - -_Rattle._ Ay, that we suppose but in what Manner? - -_Irish._ Why I am come here on purpose to know that, but I suppose it -will be in the manner of--a--a--by my Shoul I don't know how it will -be. - -_Smart._ Upon my word, Sir, I think you give a very clear Account of -it. - -_Rattle._ Jack, yonder's Snarlewit, the Poet and intimate Friend of -Macklin's; you are acquainted with him. Prithee call him; ten to one -but he can give us the History both of the Prologue and the Farce. - -_Smart._ Hiss, Mr. Snarlewit, we have Room for you here, if you will -come and set by us; do you know Snarlewit, Dick? - -_Rattle._ He is a devilish odd Fellow; he is one that never speaks -well of any Man behind his back nor ill of him to his Face and is a -most terrible Critick. - -(SNARLEWIT _steps over the Benches and sits down between_ RATTLE _and_ -SMART) - -_Snarle._ Mr. Smart, your Servant. How do you do, Mr. Rattle? What, -you are come to hear the Pit speak the Prologue, I suppose. Ha! -Macklin's fine Conceit. - -_Smart._ Ay, we are so; do you know anything of it? - -_Snarle._ Psha! psha! a parcel of Stuff! a ridiculous Conceit of the -Blockhead's in imitation of a French writer who stole it from one of -the Greek Comic Poets. - -_Smart._ But in what manner is it to be done? Is it in Prose or in -Verse, or upon the Stage, or really in the Pit? - -_Snarle._ Lord, Sir, the Blockhead brings the Pit upon the Stage; and -the supposed Conversation there between the Play and the Farce is to -be the Prologue,--a French Conceit calculated merely to raise -Curiosity and fill the House, that's all. - -_Smart._ Ay, and enough too, if it answers his purpose. - -_Irish._ But pray, Sir, with humble Submission, if he brings the Pit -up on the Stage, how shall we be able to see the Farce unless we go up -into the Gallery? - -_Omnes._ Ha! ha! ha! - -_Rattle._ Very well observed, Sir. - -_Snarle._ Why this Fellow's an Idiot. - -_Smart._ No, no, he is only a Teague. But Mr. Snarlewit, do you think -this Prologue will be liked? - -_Snarle._ Psha! psha! liked, impossible! So it is for his Wife's -Benefit and meant as a Puff to fill her House, why perhaps the Town -may be so indulgent as to let it pass--but it is damned Trash! I -advised the Fool against it. But he persisted. He said he was sure it -would be better liked than the modern dull way of Prologue Writing -which for many years has been only to give the Audience an Historical -Account of the Comic Stoick or the Tragic Buskin, or a dull detail of -the piece they were to see with the Age and Circumstances of the -Author, and how long he was writing his Play. Now, says Macklin, my -Prologue, Sir, if it has nothing else, it has Novelty on its side; and -as Bays says it will elevate and surprize and all that. And if they -don't laugh at it as a good Prologue, I am sure, says he, they will -laugh at me for its being a bad one--so that either way they will have -their Joke. - -_Omnes._ Ha! ha! ha! - -_Smart._ Ay, ay, there I think he was right; for the Audience will -laugh, I make no doubt of it, but it will be at him. - -_Omnes._ Right! Right! - -_Snarle._ So I told him but he would persist. - -_Smart._ But Mr. Snarlewit, how will he answer to the Critics his -making the Stage represent the Pit? - -_Snarle._ Psha! psha! he is below Criticism; they will never trouble -themselves about that. Besides I think he may be defended very justly -in that, for if the Stage has a Right to represent Palaces and -Countries, nay, and Heaven and Hell, surely it may be allowed to -exhibit the Pit. - -_Smart._ Do you know anything of the Farce? - -_Snarle._ Yes, I have read it. - -_Smart._ It is a very odd Title, a Bone for the Lawyers; who is the -Author, pray? Is it known? - -_Snarle._ Why Macklin gives out that some Gentleman, a Friend of his, -has made him a Present of it, but I shrewdly suspect it to be his own. - -_Rattle._ Whose! Macklin's? - -_Snarle._ Ay! - -_Rattle._ Why, can he write? - -_Snarle._ Write? Ay, and damnably too, I assure you, ha! ha! He writ a -Tragedy this Winter, but so merry a Tragedy was never seen since the -first night of Tom Thumb the Great. - -_Smart._ I was at it and a merry Tragedy it was and a merry Audience! - -_Snarle._ I never laughed so heartily at a Play in my Life; if his -Farce has half so much Fun in it as his Tragedy had, I'll engage it -succeeds. - -_Smart._ Come, come. There was some tolerable Things in his Tragedy. - -_Snarle._ Psha! psha! Stuff! Stuff! damned Stuff! Pray Sir, what do -you think of Lady Catherine Gordon's Letter to her Father, Lord -Huntley, that begun honoured Papa, hoping you are in good Health as I -am at this present Writing. There was a Stile for Tragedy! - -_Omnes._ Ha! ha! ha! - -_Smart._ Well, I wish his Farce may succeed, however. - -_Snarle._ O so do I upon my word, Sir.--I have a great Regard for -Macklin--but to be sure he is a very egregious Blockhead ever to think -of writing; that I believe everybody will allow. - -_Omnes._ Ay, ay, there's nobody will dispute that with you, Mr. -Snarlewit. - -_Snarle._ Notwithstanding he is such a Blockhead, I assure you, Mr. -Smart, I have an Esteem for him. - -_Smart._ Do you know what Characters or Business he has in his Farce? - -_Snarle._ I think his chief Character is an old Fellow, one Sir Isaac -Skinflint, who is eaten up with Diseases, and who promises everybody -Legacies, but dreads making a Will, for the Instant he does that he -thinks he shall die. - -_Rattle._ That's a very common Character; my Uncle was just such a -superstitious Wretch. - -_Snarle._ And the Business of the Farce is to induce this old Fellow -to disinherit all his Relations, except a Nephew who wants to be his -sole Heir, which according to the Rules of Farce, you may suppose it -to be brought about by a Footman who upon these Occasions always has -more Wit than his Master. - -_Smart._ But when is the Prologue to begin? - -_Snarle._ Why as soon as the Curtain is drawn up you will see the -Stage disposed in the Form of a Pit, and that you are to imagine the -Prologue, and when they let the Curtain down, why then you must -suppose it to be ended. - -_Smart._ I wonder what the Audience will say when it is over. - -_Snarle._ What? Why some will stare and wonder what the Actors have -been about, and will still be expecting the Prologue; others will -chuckle at their Disappointment, and cry--they knew how it would be; -and some will judiciously observe--what better could be expected from -a Prologue to be written and spoken by the Pit. But upon the whole, I -dare say, ninety nine in a hundred will conclude it to be a parcell of -low Stuff--and that its only Merit was the quaintness of the Conceit -[which] raised the People's Curiosity and helped to fill the House; -and so ends the Prologue--and now let us make a Noise for the Farce. - -(_The Curtain is let down_) - - - - -DRAMATIS PERSONAE - -for - -A WILL AND NO WILL: - -OR A BONE FOR THE LAWYERS - - SIR ISAAC SKINFLINT - LADY LOVEWEALTH - BELLAIR - HARRIET - DOCTOR LEATHERHEAD - LUCY - COUNCELLOUR CORMORANT - MR. LITTLEWIT - MONSIEUR DU MAIGRE - MR. DEATH - SHARK - SERVANT - - - - -ACT I - - (_Enter_ SHARK _and_ LUCY--_meeting_) - - -_Shark._ Good morrow, Lucy. - -_Lucy._ Good morrow, Shark. - -_Shark._ Give me a Kiss, Hussy. (_Kisses her_) - -_Lucy._ Psha--prithee don't touzle and mouzle a Body so; can't you -salute without rumpling one's Tucker and spoiling one's Things? I hate -to be tumbled. (_Adjusting herself_) - -_Shark._ Ay, as much as you do Flattery or a looking Glass. - -_Lucy._ Well, what's your Business this Morning? Have you any Message? - -_Shark._ Yes, the old one: my Master's Duty to his gracious Uncle, Sir -Isaac Skinflint, and he hopes he rested well last night--that is, to -translate it out of the Language of Compliment into that of Sincerity, -he hopes the old Huncks has made his Will, my Master his sole Heir, -that he has had a very bad Night, and is within a few Hours of giving -up the Ghost and paying a Visit to his old friend Belzebub. - -_Lucy._ We were afraid he would have gone off last night; he has had -two of his Epileptic Feasts. - -_Shark._ Why sure the old Cannibal would not offer to make his Exit -without making his Will; that would ruin us all. - -_Lucy._ Nay it would be a considerable Loss to me should he die -without a Will: for you know he has promised me a handsome Legacy. - -_Shark._ And so he has to Thousands, my Dear; why, Child, I don't -believe he has spent thirty Shillings upon himself in Food for these -thirty years; all gratis, all upon the Spunge. Ay, ay, let Sir Isaac -Skinflint alone for mumping a Dinner. There has not been a -Churchwarden's or an Overseer's Feast these twenty years but what he -has been at. And when he is not at these Irish meals, he is preying -upon his Friends and Acquaintances, and promises them all Legacies. -"Well," he says, after he has filled his Paunch,--"I shall not forget -you. I shall remember all my Friends. I have you down in my Will." -Then he claps his hand upon the Servant's Head as he is going out--"I -shall think of you too, John. You are my old Friend"--but the Devil a -Louse he gives him; an old gouty Rogue! I'll warrant the old Hypocrite -has promised more Legacies than the Bank of England is able to pay. -Has he made any mention lately of his Nephew and Niece in the Country, -Sir Roger Bumper and his Sister? - -_Lucy._ He expects them in Town today, or tomorrow at farthest, and I -believe he intends to make them joint Heirs with your Master. - -_Shark._ He may intend it, but shall not accomplish it, take my word; -if he does I'll never plot again. You say he has never seen neither -the Nephew nor the Niece since they were Children? - -_Lucy._ Never. - -_Shark._ Then he shall see them in my proper Person before he sleeps, -and if I don't make him disinherit them, say I am a Fool and know -nothing of Mankind. - -_Lucy._ Here your Master comes. - -_Shark._ He's welcome. - - (_Enter_ BELLAIR) - -_Bell._ O Lucy, we are all undone. - -_Lucy._ Bless us; what's the matter, Sir? - -_Bell._ I am just come from my Lady Lovewealth's, who, to my great -Surprize, has assured me that my Addresses to her Daughter for the -future will be highly improper, for that my Uncle had not only refused -to make such a Settlement on me as she liked, but had resolved to -marry Harriet himself. - -_Lucy._ Pray Sir, what says the young Lady to all this? - -_Bell._ She seems to comply with her Mother's avaricious Temper, but -has vowed to me privately that should matters be brought to an -Extremity, she will never consent. - -_Lucy._ You, Sir, must act the same part; seem to approve of the -Marriage by all means, for the more you oppose, the more violent they -will be. Trust the affair to Shark and me, and I'll engage we bring -you together in spite of Age and Avarice. I'll give the young Lady a -hint or two, which I believe will cure the old Fellow of his Lovefit! -Shark, go you and prepare your Disguises; do you act the Nephew and -the Niece well and I'll warrant everything else shall thrive. - (_Exit Shark_) - -_Bell._ Dear Girl, the moment my Affairs are brought to bear, you may -depend upon the five hundred pounds I promised you.--Is my Uncle up -yet? - -_Lucy._ He has been up this Hour--here he comes; be sure you comply -with him, let him say what he will. - - (_Enter_ SKINFLINT _dressed in a Nightgown, a fur Nightcap, - his hands muffled in Flannel, his feet in gouty Shoes_) - -_Bell._ A good morning to you, Sir. - -_Skin._ A good morning to you, Nephew. Auh! auh! - -_Bell._ I am sorry to hear, Sir, you have had so bad a Night. - -_Skin._ I had indeed, Nephew; I was afraid it was all over. Such -another Fit would carry me off. Auh! auh! - -_Bell._ But you are pretty well this morning, I hope, Sir. - -_Skin._ Something better but very weak--very faint indeed, Nephew! -O--o--o, very faint. - -_Bell._ You should take something comfortable, Sir--Cordials to repair -the breaches you Illness hath made. - -_Skin._ Lord, Nephew, it would require such a monstrous deal of Money, -and really these Syringe Carriers and Glyster Baggs and Doctors give -themselves such Airs, that a Man can't have their Assistance, nor any -of their Druggs and Slops under their Weight in Gold; therefore, I -think, Nephew, since we are to dye we had better save our Money. - -_Bell._ I grant you, Sir, the Fees of Surgeons and Physicians are -exorbitant,--yet as Health and Life are our most valuable Blessings, -we might lay a little out in Support of them--I mean in Cases of very -great Danger. - -_Skin._ No, no, the--auh, auh!--the Tenement is not worth the -Repairs--auh--auh--I am like an old House that is ready to drop--the -first high Wind, down I shall go--the next fit will carry me off. - -_Bell._ Heaven forbid, Sir. - -_Skin._ Therefore, I am resolved--auh! to settle my Affairs this very -day. You know, Nephew, you were talking of Harriet, my Lady -Lovewealth's Daughter; but my Lady truly will not consent to the -Match, unless I make you my sole Heir, which you know, Child, cannot -be, as I have another Nephew and a Niece, Sir Roger Bumper and his -Sister, whom I intend to provide for. - -_Bell._ Very true, Sir. - -_Skin._ And so--Harry--as my Lady and I could not hit it off in regard -to you--she hath persuaded me to marry the Girl myself; what is your -Judgment of it, Nephew? ha! - -_Bell._ If you like it, Sir, there can be no Objection to it. - - (_Enter a_ SERVANT) - -_Serv._ Sir, there is Mr. Littlewit, the Proctor, come to know your -Commands. - -_Skin._ Desire him to walk in. (_Exit Servant_) - - (_Enter Mr._ LITTLEWIT) - -So Mr. Littlewit, I have sent for you upon a Business which will -perhaps surprize you; it is to draw up my marriage Articles. - -_Little._ What between you and Death, I suppose. Ha! Your Will, I -reckon you mean. - -_Skin._ Dear Mr. Littlewit, your Jest is very ill timed; I mean, Sir, -my marriage Articles with Harriet Lovewealth, and at the same time I -intend to make my Will too; here are the Directions in this Paper for -both; and let them be drawn up as soon as possible and looked over by -my old Friend, Doctor Leatherhead; and pray bring him with you this -Afternoon. - -_Little._ Sir, your Directions shall be observed with Punctuality and -Expedition. (_Exit_) - -_Skin._ So you approve of my Marriage, you say, Nephew? - -_Bell._ I think it the best thing you can do, Sir. - -_Skin._ Why, Nephew, notwithstanding--I am so shattered with Age--and -Infirmities--I assure you I have more Vigour than People imagine; what -think you, Lucy? - -_Lucy._ Your Eyes, Sir, look very sparkling and lively--but I think -a--um--your other parts are not quite so brisk. - -_Skin._ Why ay, 'tis true, my other parts are a little--a little -morbific or so, as the Doctors say; but Harriet is very young, and -she will be a charming Bedfellow. Besides, Nephew, I have a great -Satisfaction in Disappointing my Crew of Relations, who have been like -as many Undertakers for these twenty years past, enquiring not after -my Health but my Death; but I'll be revenged on them. I will have the -Pleasure of sending for 'em all, one by one, and assuring them I will -not leave a single Shilling among them. - - (_Enter a_ SERVANT) - -_Serv._ Sir, My Lady Lovewealth and her Daughter are come to wait on -you. - -_Skin._ Odso. I did not expect them so soon--Stay, stay, Boy; don't -shew them up yet; my Mistress must not find me in this Pickle. Go you -down, Lucy, and shew them into the Parlour, but return directly and -help to dress me. (_Exeunt Lucy and Servant_) Come, Nephew, help me -off with this Gown and Cap; let me make myself as agreeable as I can -for my Mistress. Gently, gently, Child, have a care, have a care of my -Hand (_pulling off the Gown_)! Oh! Oh! Oh! you have touched my gouty -Finger. (_Enter Lucy_) Come hither, Lucy, do you dress me; you are -most used to it. Are my Flannels warm? - -_Lucy._ Here, here, all roasted--they have been at the Fire these -three Hours. (_Lucy and Bellair dress him up like a ridiculous old -man; they put a heap of Flannels on him, then his Clothes, and a -ridiculous Tye Wig_) - -_Skin._ Well, how do I look now? Pretty well, ha? - -_Bell._ Very well, Sir, and very genteel. - -_Skin._ Now shew the Ladies up, Lucy. I protest this dressing hath -fatigued me, auh! auh! auh! (_coughing_) - -_Lucy._ (_To Bellair as she goes out_) I have hinted something to -Harriet which I believe will break off the Match infallibly. - (_Exit_) - -_Skin._ Nephew, notwithstanding, auh!--This Marriage, I shall make a -handsome Provision for you. - -_Bell._ Sir, your Health and Happiness are my chiefest Blessings. - - (_Enter Lady_ LOVEWEALTH, HARRIET _and_ LUCY) - -_Lad._ Sir Isaac Skinflint, I am glad to see you up and dressed this -morning. We had a report in our Neighbourhood that you died last -Night. - -_Skin._ Ay, Madam, Envious Wretches who expect Legacies--and who wish -me in my Grave--spread it abroad--'tis true I was a little out of -order last Night, but I'm mighty well today. Auh! Auh! Extremely well. -Auh! Auh! Lucy, give me a little of that Hartshorn. - -_Bell._ Upon my word, Sir, I never saw you look better. Pray young -Lady, what do you think? - -_Har._ Indeed, Sir, I think the Gentleman looks extremely gay and -healthy. - -_Skin._ I should be very ill indeed, Madam, if such powerful Eyes as -yours could not give me new Life. (_Bowing very low_) - -_Har._ O Sir, your Servant. (_Curtsying very low_) - -_Lad._ Very gallant indeed, Sir. - -_Skin._ Yes, Madam, you will be a Medea's Kettle to me from [whence] I -shall receive new Vigour. Your Charms will be a vivifying Nostrum to -the morbific parts, which Infirmity and Age have laid hold of. You -will be an Inlap to my Heart--and my Marriage will be an infallible -Specific which I shall take as my last Remedy.--Give me a little of -that Cordial. - -_Har._ Sir, whatever commands my Lady thinks proper to lay on me, I -shall think it my Duty to give them an implicit Obedience. (_She -curtsies all the while. Skin. bows_) - -_Lad._ You see, Sir Isaac, my Daughter is entirely directed by my -Will; so if you are ready to fulfill the Agreement, that is to settle -a thousand pounds a year on her during your own Life, and your whole -Fortune in Reversion upon your Decease, she is ready to marry you. - -_Skin._ Madam, I am as ready as she, and have given orders to my -Lawyer to draw up the Articles for that purpose with the utmost -Expedition, and I expect them to be brought every moment ready to -sign. - -_Lad._ Then, Harriet, I will leave you here, Child, while I call -upon my Lawyer in Lincoln's Inn, who is to peruse the Writings.--Mrs. -Lucy, pray will you let one of your Men order my Coach up to the Door. - (_Exit Lucy_) - -Sir Isaac Skinflint, your Servant. Mr. Bellair, yours. (_Exit_) - -_Skin._ [To Harriet] Come Madam, let not these naughty Flannels -disgust you; I can pull 'em off upon--um--ahu--certain Occasions. I -shall look better in a few days. - -_Har._ Better! That's impossible, Sir, you can't look better. - -_Skin._ O Lord, Madam! (_Bowing_) - -_Har._ (_Takes him by the hand_) There, there's a Figure; do but view -him. Sir, I never saw a finer Figure for a Shroud and Coffin in my -Life. - -_Skin._ Madam! (_starting_) - -_Har._ I say, Sir, you are a most enchanting Figure for a Shroud and -Coffin. - -_Skin._ Shroud and Coffin! (_He walks off! She after him_) - -_Har._ Well I can't help admiring your Intrepidity, Sir Isaac; o' my -Conscience, you have more Courage than half the young Fellows in Town. -Why what a Don Quixot are you to venture that shattered, shabby, crazy -Carcass of yours into a Marriage Bed with a hale Constitution of -Nineteen! - -_Skin._ Why really, Madam---- - -_Har._ Why really, Sir, you'll repent it. - -_Skin._ I believe it, I believe it, Madam. - -_Har._ What you, who are a gouty, cholicky, feverish, paralytick, -hydropic, asthmatic, and a thousand Diseases besides, venture to light -Hymen's Torch! Why, Sir, it is perfect Madness; it is making but one -Step from your Wedding to your Grave. Pray Sir, how long do you expect -to live? - -_Skin._ Not long I am sure if I marry you. - -_Har._ You are in the right on't, Sir; it will not be consistent with -my Pleasure or my Interest that you should live above a Fortnight; -um--ay, in about a Fortnight I can do it. Let me see; ay, it is but -pulling away a Pillow in one of your coughing Fits--or speaking -properly to your Apothecary--a very little Ratsbane or Laudanum will -do the Business! - -_Skin._ O monstrous! - -_Bell._ Madam, this is a behaviour unbecoming the Daughter of Lady -Lovewealth, and what I am confident her Ladyship will highly resent. - -_Har._ You are mistaken, Sir; my Lady has consented to his Death in a -Fortnight after our Marriage. - -_Skin._ O lud! O lud! - -_Har._ She begged hard for a Month, but I could not agree to it; so -now the only Dispute between us is whether he shall be poisoned or -strangled. - -_Skin._ O horrid! O terrible! So then it was agreed between you that I -should be sent out of the World one way or t'other. - -_Har._ Yes Sir. What other Treatment could you expect, you who are a -mere walking Hospital! an Infirmary! O shocking! Ha! ha! There's a -Figure to go to bed with. (_Pointing at him and bursting into a -Laugh_) - -_Skin._ I shall choke with Rage. Auh! Auh! - -_Bell._ Madam, I cannot stand by and see this Treatment.--If you use -him thus before Marriage, what ought he to expect after it? - -_Har._ What? Why I have told him, Death! Death! Death! - -_Skin._ Ay, you have indeed, Madam, and I thank you for it, but it -shall never be in your Power, either to strangle or poison me. Auh! -Auh! I would as soon marry a she Dragon; Nephew, I beg you will turn -her out--see her out of the House, pray. - -_Bell._ Madam, let me beg you will shorten your Visit. - -_Har._ O Sir, with all my Heart; I see you are a Confederate with your -Uncle in this Affair, but I shall insist upon his Promise of Marriage; -I can prove it, and assure yourself, Sir, if there be Law in -Westminster Hall or Doctors Commons, you shall hear from me, and so -your Servant, Sir. (_Goes off in a Passion_) - -_Skin._ Dear Nephew, see her out of the House; she has almost -worried me to Death. (_Sits down_) (_Exit Bellair_) - - (_Enter_ LUCY) - -_Skin._ O Lucy, give me a little Inlap or Hartshorn or something to -raise my Spirits. Had ever Man so happy an Escape? - -_Lucy._ Ay, Sir, you'd say it was a happy Escape indeed, if you knew -all; why Sir, it is whispered everywhere that she had an Intrigue last -Summer at Scarborough with a Captain of Horse. - -_Skin._ I don't in the least doubt it; she who could give Ratsbane or -Laudanum to her Husband, I believe would not hesitate at a little -Fornication. - -(SHARK _without, dressed like a Fox Hunter, drunk, knocking very loud -and hollowing_) - -_Shar._ Haux, haux, haux, my Honies, Heyhe! House, where the Devil are -you all? - -_Skin._ Bless us, who is it knocks so? ([_knocking_] _within_) - -_Lucy._ The Lord knows, Sir, some Madman I believe--It is Shark, I -suppose. (_Aside_) - - (_Enter_ SHARK) - -_Shar._ Hey House! Family! Where are you all? - -_Lucy._ What do you want, Sir? - -_Shar._ What's that to you, Hussy? Where's Skinflint? - -_Lucy._ Skinflint! - -_Shar._ Ay, Skinflint. - -_Lucy._ There is my Master, Sir Isaac Skinflint, in that great Chair. - -_Shar._ (_Going up to him looking in his Face and laughing_) A damned -odd Sort of a Figure: a cursed queer old Fellow to look at. Is your -name Skinflint? - -_Skin._ It is, Sir. - -_Shar._ Then give me you Hand, old Boy. (_Shakes him by the Flannels_) - -_Skin._ Hold, hold, Sir, you'll kill me if you han't a Care. - -_Shar._ So much the better; the sooner you die the better for me. - -_Skin._ For you? Pray, Sir, who are you? - -_Shar._ Your Nephew who has rid a hundred Miles on purpose to take -Possession of your Estate. - -_Skin._ Are you my Nephew? - -_Shar._ Yes, Sir. - -_Skin._ I am sorry for it. - -_Shar._ My Name is Bumper; my Father, Sir Barnaby Bumper, took to Wife -a Lady who as I have been told was your Sister; which said Sister, -Sir, brought me into the World in less than four Months after her -Marriage. - -_Skin._ In four Months? - -_Shar._ Yes, Sir, My Father was a little displeased with it at first; -but upon his being informed that such forward Births were frequent in -your Family, he was soon reconciled to it. - -_Skin._ They belied our Family, Sir--for our Family---- - -_Shar._ Hush! hush! Don't expose them. They were always a damned -whoring Family; I must confess I have frequently blushed at the -quickness of my Mother's conception, for it has often been thrown in -my Teeth; but since it has made me your Heir, that will set me above -the Disgrace. - -_Skin._ My Heir! - -_Shar._ Ay, your Heir, Sir. I am come to Town on purpose to take -Possession. We had an Account in the Country that you were dead. - -_Skin._ And I suppose you are not a little mortified to find the -Report is false, ha? - -_Shar._ Why, I am sorry to find you alive, I must confess. I was in -hopes to have found you stretched out and ready for the black -Gentleman to say Grace over you. - -_Skin._ Sir, your Servant. - -_Shar._ May the strawberry Mare knock up the next hard Chace if I have -not ridden as hard to be at your Earthing as ever I did to be in at -the Death of a Fox. - -_Skin._ It was most affectionately done of you, Nephew, and I shall -remember you for it.--A Villain! I'll not leave him a Groat. (_Aside_) - -_Shar._ However since you are alive, Uncle, I am glad to see you look -so ill. - -_Skin._ I am very much obliged to you, Nephew. (_Aside to Lucy_) Was -there ever such a Reprobate, Lucy? - -_Shar._ They tell me you have a damned deal of money that you have got -by Extortion and Usury and Cheating of Widows and Orphans to whom you -have been Guardian and Executor, ha--but I suppose you intend every -Grig of it for me, ha! Old Boy, I'll let it fly. I'll release the -yellow Sinners from their Prisons; they shall never be confined by me. - -_Skin._ I believe you, Nephew. - -_Shar._ But harkee you, Uncle, my Sister is come to Town too, and she -thinks to come in for Snacks--but not a Grig--d'ye hear--not a Grig--I -must have every Souse--Cousin Bellair too, that Prig, I hear, is -looking out Sharp--But if you leave a Denier to any of them without my -Consent you shall be buried alive in one of your own iron Chests, and -sent as a present to your old Friend Belzebub. - -_Skin._ To be sure, Nephew, you are so very dutiful and affectionate -that I shall be entirely directed by you. Lucy, (_Aside to Lucy_) I am -afraid this Villain is come to murder me; step in and call Bellair -this Instant. (_Exit Lucy_) Pray Nephew, how long have you been in -Town? - -_Shar._ I came to Town late last Night--and hearing you were alive, I -was resolved I would not sleep 'till I had seen you. So I went amongst -the Coffee Houses at Covent Garden where I made a charming Riot; I -fought a Duel, beat the Watch, kicked the Bawds, broke their Punch -Bowls, clapt an old Market Woman upon her Head in the middle of a -Kennel, bullied a Justice, and made all the Whores as drunk---- - -_Skin._ As yourself, I suppose. Upon my word, Nephew, you have made -good use of your time since you have been in Town. - -_Shar._ Ay, han't I, old Skinflint? Zounds I love a Riot; don't you -love a Riot, Uncle? - -_Skin._ O most passionately. - -_Shar._ Give me your Hand. (_Slaps him upon the Shoulder_) Old Boy, I -love you for that. - -_Skin._ O, O, O, O, he has killed me; I am murdered. - -_Shar._ Rot your old crazy Carcass, what do you cry out for, ha? - -_Skin._ O, O, O, I can't bear to be touched. - -_Shar._ O, O, Oh! Damn you, why don't you die then? Harkee Uncle, how -long do you intend to live? Ha! I'll allow you but three days, and if -you don't die in that time, dead or alive, I'll have you buried. For I -am resolved not to stir out of Town 'till I see that Bag of Bones of -yours, that old rotten Carcass pailed up between four substantial Elms -and laid twenty foot deep in the Earth, and then light lie the Turf, -and flourish long Bow. Toll, loll, de doll, ha! ha! Uncle, I'll take -care of your safe Passage to Pluto, never fear. - -_Skin._ Had ever Man such a Reprobate Relation? O the Villain! - - (_Enter Mr._ DEATH) - -_Shar._ O Mr. Death, your Servant. - -_Death._ I am come, Sir, according to your Commands; pray which is the -Gentleman I am to take Measure of? - -_Shar._ That old Prig in the Chair there. - -_Death._ Sir, your humble Servant. - -_Skin._ Sir, your Servant. What are your Commands with me? - -_Death._ Sir, my Name is Death. - -_Skin._ Death! - -_Death._ Yes Sir, at your Service, Dismal Death of--pretty well known -in this City. - -_Skin._ And pray Mr. Dismal Death, what do you want with me? - -_Death._ I am come to take measure of you for a Coffin. - -_Skin._ What! How! - -_Shar._ Yes you old Prig, I ordered him to take Measure of you and -Measure he shall take this Instant; do you hear, Mr. Death, measure -him, measure the old Prig; I'll hold him fast. - -(SHARK _lays hold of him while Mr._ DEATH _measures him_) - -_Skin._ Are you going to murder me? You Villain! Here Lucy, Nephew, -Murder! - - (_Enter_ LUCY _and_ BELLAIR) - -_Bell._ How now, what's the matter? Are you going to rob my Uncle? - -_Death._ No, no, Sir, we are only taking Measure of him for a Coffin. - -_Skin._ O Nephew, they have almost killed me! Here is your cousin -Bumper come to take Possession of my Fortune whether I will or no; and -[he] has brought a frightful Fellow to take Measure of me for a Coffin -and Shroud, and swears he will bury me within these three days, dead -or alive. - -_Bell._ Are not you ashamed, Cousin Bumper, to use our Uncle so -inhumanly? - -_Shar._ Damn you Prig, have you a mind to resent it? If you have, lug -out, and I'll soon dispatch you. (_Draws_) - -_Skin._ Was there ever such a bloody minded Villain? Dear Nephew, come -in with me; I'll do his Business for him in a more effectual way than -fighting. I'll swear the Peace against him and make my Will, without -leaving him a Shilling. (_Exit with Bellair_) - -_Shar._ So far the Plow speeds. I think we have done Mr. Bumper's -Business for him. That Obstacle is pretty well removed--We have -nothing to do now but to provide for his Sister the Widow, and then to -contrive some means to frighten the old Fellow into a Will in favour -of my Master. - -_Lucy._ Ay, Shark, that is the chiefest Difficulty, the Masterpiece, -and unless you accomplish that you do nothing. - -_Shar._ I know it, my Dear; here, here (_pointing to his head_), here, -here--the Embryo is here, and will come forth perfect in less than ten -Minutes. Why Lucy, I have a Genius to Deceit, and wanted nothing but -an Opportunity to shew it. - -_Lucy._ I think you have a very fair one now. - -_Shar._ I have so, and never fear, Girl, I'll engage I make a proper -use of it. Lord, how many great Men have been lost for want of being -thrown into a proper light? On my Conscience, had I been bred in a -Court, I believe I should have made as great a Figure as ever Cromwell -did, for - - _The Stateman's Skill like mine is all Deceit_ - _What's Policy in him--in me's a Cheat._ - _Titles and Wealth reward his noble Art,_ - _Cudgels and Bruises mine--sometimes a Cart._ - _Twas, is and will he, to the End of Time,_ - _That Poverty not Fraud creates the Crime._ - - (_Exeunt_) - - - - -ACT II - - (_Enter_ BELLAIR _and_ LUCY) - - -_Bell._ What Coach was that stopt at the Door? - -_Lucy._ My Lady Lovewealth's, Sir. I told her Miss Harriet was gone -home, and that my Master was gone out in a Chair to some of his -Lawyers, for I could not let her see Sir Isaac. - -_Bell._ You were right, Lucy. Where is Shark? - -_Lucy._ In my Room, Sir, dressing for the Widow. - -(SKINFLINT _within_) - -_Skin._ Lucy, why Lucy, ugh, ugh, where are you, Wench? - -_Bell._ I'll leave you with my Uncle, Lucy, while I step up and hasten -Shark. (_Exit_ [_Bellair_]) - - (_Enter_ SKINFLINT) - -_Skin._ Here, Lucy, tye up me Affairs; they are loose and falling -about my Heels. - -_Lucy._ They are always loose, I think. - -_Skin._ Lucy, did not I send for Monsieur du Maigre, the Apothecary? - -_Lucy._ Yes Sir, and he will be here presently. (_Knocking_) Hark, -this is he I suppose. - -_Skin._ Go see; if it is, send him up. (_Exit Lucy_) What an -insupportable Vexation Riches are; all my Relations are watching and -hovering about me like so many Crows about a dead Carrion; even -Bellair, who behaves the best of them all, has a Hawk's Eye, I see, -after my Will and advises me in a sly indirect manner to the making of -it. A Parent is used by an Heir just as a Virgin is by a Rake; before -we have parted with our Treasure, we are adored, we are Gods and -Goddesses, but as soon as that is over, we become as troublesome to -them as an evil Conscience. I'll keep my money to save my poor Soul, -for to be sure I have got a great deal of it in an unfair manner; -therefore in order to make my Peace hereafter, I'll leave it to build -an Almshouse. - - (_Enter_ LUCY) - -_Lucy._ Sir, there's a Lady in deep Mourning below, who says she is -your Niece. - -_Skin._ If she is such a Canary Bird as her Brother that was here -today, she may go to the Devil; however shew her up. (_Exit Lucy_) - -She may be the reverse of him; we ought not to condemn a whole Family -for one bad Person. - - (_Enter_ LUCY, _showing in_ SHARK _who is - dressed in Weeds_) - -_Lucy._ Madam, this is your Uncle. - -_Shar._ Sir, I have not the Honour to be known to you, but the Report -of your Death has brought me to Town, to testify the Duty and -Affection of an unworthy Niece for the best of Uncles. - -_Skin._ A good well bred kind of a Woman. (_Aside to Lucy_) Ay, this -is something like a Relation. - -_Lucy._ I shall hear you sing another tune presently. (_Aside_) - -_Skin._ Pray Niece, give me leave to salute you. You are welcome to -London. (_Kisses him_) My Eyes are but bad--yet I think I can discover -a strong Resemblance of my Sister in you. (_Peering in his Face_) - -_Shar._ Yes Sir, I was reckoned very like my Mama before I was -married, but frequent Child bearing you know, Sir, will alter a Woman -strangely for the worse. - -_Skin._ It will so, Niece; you are a Widow I perceive. - -_Shar._ Yes Sir, an unfortunate Widow (_Weeps_). I never had a dry Eye -since my Husband died. - -_Skin._ Pray Niece, what did your Husband die of? - -_Shar._ He broke his Neck a Fox Hunting. - -_Skin._ Good lack, good lack! That was dreadful. - -_Shar._ Ay Sir, and tho' I was but one and twenty when he died, he -left me both a Widow and a Mother; so early a Grief you may be sure -must have robbed me of my Bloom and has broke me mightily. - -_Skin._ As you were a Widow, Niece, at one and twenty, I don't suppose -your Husband left you many Children. - -_Shar._ Fifteen, Sir. - -_Skin._ Fifteen, Niece! (_Starting_) - -_Shar._ Ay, fifteen, Sir; I was married at fourteen. - -_Skin._ That was very young, Niece. - -_Shar._ It was so, Sir; but young Girls can't keep now adays, so I ran -away with him from the Boarding School. I had two Children by him -every ten months for six Years, and I had three by him the seventh. - -_Skin._ Upon my word you are a very good Breeder. - -_Shar._ Yes Sir, I was always accounted so; besides, Sir, I have had -two by him since his Death. - -_Skin._ How, Madam, since his Death. - -_Shar._ Yes Sir, and I am afraid I shall have some more, for a Word in -your Ear, Sir--I find I am coming again, Sir.[3] - -_Skin._ O Fye, Niece, O fye, fye--why Lucy, this Woman is as bad as -her Brother. - -_Lucy._ Indeed Sir, I am afraid so. (_Aside_) - -_Skin._ But I'll try her a little further. Pray Niece, who has been -your Companion _and Bedfellow_ for these two years past? For I presume -you have not lain alone. - -_Shar._ O Lord, Sir, not for the World! You must know, Uncle, I am -greatly addicted to be afraid of Spirits, Ghosts, Witches, and -Fairies, and so to prevent terrifying Dreams and Apparitions, _I took -a Religious Gentleman, a very good Man to bed with me--an Itinerant -Methodist, one Doctor Preach Field_. - -_Skin._ Doctor Preach Field. I have heard of him. - -_Shar._ O he's a very good man, Uncle, I assure you, _and very full of -the Spirit_. - -_Skin._ Lucy, have not I got a hopeful parcel of Relations? (_Aside_) - -_Lucy._ Indeed Sir, I think this Lady is not extremely modest. -(_Aside_) - -_Skin._ Why she ought to be whipped at the Cart's Tail (_Aside_); pray -Niece, have not you a Brother in Town? - -_Shar._ Yes Sir; he and I beat the Watch last night at Tom Kings. - -_Skin._ O Monstrous! beat the Watch, Madam! - -_Shar._ Yes Sir, and broke all the Lamps in the Parish. - -_Skin._ Very pretty Employment for a Lady truly, and so, Madam, you -came to Town merely to shew your Duty and Affection to me. - -_Shar._ Yes Sir, and in hopes to be your Heir; we had a Report in the -Country that you was Defunct; and I was in hopes to have found it -true. - -_Skin._ I am obliged to you, Madam. - -_Shar._ There is another thing we have very current in the Country. I -do not know how true it is. - -_Skin._ What is it, I pray? - -_Shar._ I have been told, Uncle, and from very good Hands, that you -are little better than a Thief. - -_Skin._ Madam! - -_Shar._ And that you got all your Fortune by biting and sharping, -extortion and cheating. - -_Skin._ Harkee Madam, get out of my House this Minute, or I will order -somebody to throw you out of the Window. - -_Shar._ I have heard too that for several years past, you have been an -old Fornicator, and that you have led a most wicked Life with this -Girl. - -_Lucy._ With me, Madam? - -_Shar._ Yes, you naughty Creature, and _that your Fornication would -have had carnal symptoms, but that he took most unnatural methods to -prevent your Pregnancy_. - -_Skin._ Get out of my Doors this Minute. - -_Shar._ Sir, you are an uncivil Gentleman to bid me get out, but I -find you are as great a Rogue as the most malicious Report can make -you. - -_Skin._ Get out of my House, I say! - -_Shar._ Well, I'll go, Sir, but depend upon it you shall not live many -Days after this. I'll be the Death of you, if there are no more Uncles -in the World. - -_Lucy._ Slip up the back stairs to my Room and I'll come and undress -you. (_Aside to him as she thrusts him off_) Get you out, you wicked -Woman, get you out. (_Exit Shark_) - -_Skin._ Was ever Man so hope up with such a parcel of Relations! Make -them my Heirs! I would as soon leave my Money to a Privateer's Crew; -and I verily believe they would be as thankful and make as good a use -of it.--I have been so worried and teazed by them all, that I am not -able to support any longer--I must go in and lye down. Support me, -Lucy, or I shall fall; I am quite faint. Oh, oh! (_Exeunt_) - - (_Enter_ BELLAIR) - -_Bell._ So! Thus far all goes well. Shark has been as successful -in his Widow as his Fox. We have routed the Family of the Bumpers. -There is nothing now to apprehend from that Quarter. But the main -Difficulty is yet behind, which is to induce him to make his Will, for -without that my Lady Lovewealth's Avarice never will consent to make -my dearest Harriet mine. - - (_Enter_ LUCY) - -_Lucy._ O Sir, we are all undone! - -_Bell._ Why what's the matter? - -_Lucy._ Your Uncle, Sir, is dead. - -_Bell._ Dead! - -_Lucy._ Ay, dead, Sir! Shark with his Tricks and Rogueries has so -teazed him that having with much ado got into his Chamber, down he -fell upon the Bed, and there he lies without either Motion, Voice, -Sense, Pulse or Understanding. - -_Bell._ The very means I took to succeed have infallibly ruined me. - - (_Enter_ SHARK) - -_Shar._ Is he gone? Is the coast clear? - -_Bell._ So Villain, your Schemes and Plots have a fine Conclusion, -Rascal. - -_Shar._ A fine Conclusion, Rascal! I don't know what conclusion they -have, but I am sure it can't be worse than this Reward; pray Sir, what -has happened? - -_Bell._ Why you have killed my Uncle, Villain, and ruined me forever. - -_Shar._ What! Is the old Fellow dead? - -_Bell._ Yes, Rascal, and without a Will. - -_Shar._ This is now an Instance of the Judgment and Gratitude of -Mankind; if I had succeeded, I should have been a second Machiavel, -and my dear Shark, I shall be ever obliged to you--but now I am a -Rascal and a Son of a Whore, a Blockhead and deserve my Bones broke. - -_Bell._ Well Sir, no upbraiding now, but tell what is to be done. - -_Shar._ What's to be done? What should be done, Sir. Break open his -Coffers, his Cabinet, his Strong Box, seize upon his Mortgage Deeds, -and Writings, but above all take a particular Care of the Bank Bills, -and the ready Cash. I have a great Veneration for them; they will tell -no tales to your Fellow Heirs, and as the old Man has bit you, why do -you plunder them. Do you take Possession and I'll engage I procure a -Lawyer who shall prove it to be something more than eleven points of -the Law. - -_Bell._ But then my Harriet, Shark! Without her the Wealth of Mexico -is useless and insipid. - -_Shar._ Upon my Soul, Sir, begging your Pardon, you make as ridiculous -a Figure in this Business as a disappointed Lover in a Play; why Sir, -our Farce is now in the very Height of the Plot, and it is impossible -you can have your Mistress 'till it be ended. - -_Bell._ Nor then either I am afraid. - -_Shar._ Lord, Sir, you are too hasty. You are like the ignorant part -of an Audience the first night of a new Play; you will have things -brought about before their time. Go and take Possession of the Assets, -I tell you, and leave the rest to the Devil and the Law. Get them on -our side, and I'll engage you prosper in any Roguery. - -_Bell._ Well, I'll go--but I see no glimmering of hope from it. - (_Exit Bellair_) - -_Shar._ Lucy, do you shut up all the Windows and lock up the door. - -_Lucy._ That's impossible, for Mr. Littlewit and Doctor Leatherhead -are below with the Marriage Articles. - -_Shar._ O the Devil! Then we are all ruined again. Hold--ha--ay--I -have a thought. Lucy, do the Lawyers know of the old Man's Death? - -_Lucy._ Not a word. They are but this minute come in. - -_Shar._ Then keep it an entire Secret--I'll clinch the whole Affair -this Instant.--Get me the old Man's Gown--and Cap--his Slippers, his -Pillow, his Flannels and all his Trumpery. - -_Lucy._ Here they all are upon the Table where he shifted. - -_Shar._ Give 'em me, quick, quick--ask no questions--so--now my -Cap--my gouty Slippers, my Flannels for my hands, here, here, pin them -on, pin them on, quick--quick, so! And now my great Chair--and now I -am damnable ill--O sick, sick,--Auh--Auh--Auh! Go and tell my Master -how I am transmogrified, do you hear, and bid him not be surprized let -what will happen, but first send up the Lawyers. (_Exit Lucy_) Lawyers -have often made false Wills for their own Interests, and I see no -reason now why they mayn't make one for mine. I am sure I have as good -a Title to be a Rogue as any of them all, for my Father was an Irish -Solicitor, my Mother a Yorkshire Gipsy, I was begotten in Wales, born -in Scotland, and brought up at that famous University of St. Giles -pound, and now he who has a better Right to be a Rogue than me, let -him put in his Claim. Tho' I believe nobody will dispute it with me, -it is all my own today; when I come to Westminster Hall I'll resign. - - (_Enter_ BELLAIR, LUCY, _Doctor_ LEATHERHEAD, _and Mr._ - LITTLEWIT, [_with_] _Pens, Ink, Papers, Candles, etc., - etc._) - -_Shar._ So Gentlemen, when I sent for you in the Morning, I was -foolish enough to think of Marriage, but Heaven pardon me, I must now -think of Death, of my poor precious Soul. I must desire you to get my -Will ready as soon as possible, for I fear my poor fleeting Life is -not worth half an Hour's purchase. - -_Doct._ The sooner it is done, the better; it may procure you Ease and -Consolation of mind. - -_Shar._ Dear Doctor Leatherhead, hold your Tongue; the less you talk, -the more it will be to the purpose, I am sure. Nephew, draw near. -Lucy, take those Candles out of my Eyes, and shut that Door. - -_Lucy._ Sir, my Lady Lovewealth has sent her Daughter to wait on you, -and my Lady will be here herself immediately. - -_Shar._ Very well, let my wife that was to be come up--and let her -know how Affairs are, Lucy. (_Aside to Lucy_) (_Exit Lucy_) - -_Little._ (_At the Table writing_) Um, um, Sir Isaac Skinflint of the -Parish of um--sound sense--um weak in Body--uncertainty of human -Life--um--last Will and Testament--Now Sir, we are ready; I have -finished the Preamble. - -_Doct._ But Sir Isaac, should not this Will be made in Private? We -always choose to have as few Witnesses by as possible. - -_Shar._ I believe you, Doctor Leatherhead, that they may produce the -more Law Suits. Ay, ay, Doctor, I know the tricks of the Law; the more -Grist, the more Toll for the Miller--but you shall not fill your Bags -out of my Sack, you Harpies, you Cormorants, you Devourers! O you -Bloodsuckers! Auh, auh! - -_Doct._ I find Sir Isaac still the same Man. - -_Little._ No matter, Doctor; as it is the last Business we shall do -for him, he shall pay swingingly. - -_Shar._ I will make my Will simple and plain, and before many -Witnesses. - - (_Enter_ HARRIET) - -So Harriet, you are come to see the last of the old Man--well I -forgive you your Raillery today--come kiss me, Hussy, or I'll -disinherit you. (_Kisses her_) You had better kiss me as a dying -Uncle, Hussy, than a living Husband, for I shall give you to my -Nephew--and now Gentlemen of the Black Robe, who protect our -properties for us, the first thing you are to do is to fill up the -blank in the Marriage Articles with my Nephew's name instead of mine, -for he I fancy, he will be much properer to manage the young Lady's -Concerns than me. It is over with me; what think you, Harriet? Don't -you think he'll do it better than me, ha? Ah the young Jade, how she -smiles. She knows what I mean, but Gentlemen, before I make my Will, I -have one thing to observe, which is that I am a very whimsical old -Rogue! You all know that, I believe. - -_Doct._ Why you are a little whimsical, Sir Isaac, sometimes, I know. - -_Shar._ And therefore I desire a Bond may immediately be prepared for -me to give my Nephew, which will put it out of my power to revoke the -Will I shall now make in these Presents; for I am so odd a Fellow, -that it is a hundred to one, I shall want to go from it tomorrow. - -_Doct._ I am afraid, Sir Isaac, such a Bond will not be good in Law. - -_Little._ O yes, Doctor, very good. Doctor, you will hurt the Practice -with your Scruples; what is it to us whether it be a good Bond or not; -it is a new Case, and will be a Bone of Contention to us. The Gown -will get by it, let who will lose. (_Aside to the Doctor_) - -_Doct._ I believe, Sir Isaac, upon second Thoughts it will be a good -Bond. - -_Shar._ Then draw it up, and now Gentlemen, as to my Will--Inprimis, -let all my Debts be discharged. - -_Doct._ That I believe, Sir Isaac, will be soon done; for I don't -suppose you owe any. - -_Shar._ Yes I owe for the nursing of a Bastard Child at Wandsor. - -_Doct._ Is it possible you ever had a Bastard? - -_Shar._ Several, Doctor, but they were all dropt upon different -Parishes, except that One. Then there are some few dribbling Debts at -Alehouses and Taverns where I used to meet my Wenches--in all about -twenty Pounds. - -_Doct._ I find, Mr. Littlewit, the old Gentleman has been a Cock of -the Game in his time, Good Blood. - -_Little._ Really, Doctor Leatherhead, I think so. - -_Shar._ Item, I do constitute my Nephew Bellair whole and sole -Executor of this my last Will and Testament. - -_Bell._ O my dear Uncle, shall I lose you. (_Cries_) - -_Shar._ Good natured Boy, how he weeps, disinheriting and cutting off -all other Persons whatsoever--saving those hereafter mentioned. - -_Lucy._ O my dear generous Master. (_Cries_) - -_Shar._ Poor Girl, she weeps too; I suppose for the same Reason, to -put me in Mind of her; never fear, Lucy. I'll not forget you; you have -been a good Girl and managed my Concerns with great Skill and Decency. - -_Doct._ Proceed, Sir. - -_Shar._ Unto Harriet Lovewealth my Niece that shall be, I do -give--(_Lucy, you know where they are_) a set of Diamond Bracelets -which were mortgaged to me and forfeited by the Welch Lady that used -to game so much. - -_Lucy._ I have them in this Casket, Sir. - -_Shar._ Give them to me--there--I give them Harriet, but first kiss -me, Hussy--I will have a Kiss for them. (_Kisses her and gives her the -bracelets_) - -_Bell._ Impudent Rascal! - -_Shar._ Item, to Lucy who for many years has served me faithfully--and -who used to flatter me in all my little Foibles. - -_Lucy._ Sure never was so generous and grateful a Master. (_Cries_) - -_Shar._ To her I bequeath, when she marries, one thousand pounds, -provided it be with that honest Lad Shark, not a Farthing else. - -_Bell._ How Sir, a thousand Pounds; it is too much. - -_Shar._ Not at all, Nephew. - -_Bell._ Here's a Dog. (_Aside_) Consider, Sir, she's a low bred poor -Person. - -_Shar._ Poor is she? Why then, Mr. Littlewit, if the Girl is poor, put -her down another Hundred, but with a Proviso still that she marries -Shark. - -_Bell._ I presume, Sir, you have done now. - -_Shar._ Done! The Gods of Gratitude and Generosity forbid; no I must -remember poor Shark. I must not forget him--Item, to that honest -Fellow Shark, auh, auh! - -_Bell._ O the Rascal; he'll give half the Estate to himself and Lucy. - -_Shar._ To Shark, I say, for his faithful Services. - -_Bell._ Why, Sir, he's the most idle, drunken---- - -_Shar._ Hold your Tongue, Nephew, you are deceived in the young -Man--you don't know him so well as I. I have known him many Years; he -is a sober honest Fellow, and has a great Regard for you, and for that -Reason, I leave him two hundred pounds per Annum. - -_Bell._ Two hundred pounds, Sir---- - -_Shar._ Pray be silent, Nephew; I know his Virtues and good Qualities; -therefore, Mr. Littlewit, I think you may as well make it two hundred -and fifty. - -_Bell._ Sir! Per Annum! Sir! - -_Shar._ Ay, per Annum, for ten Annums if I please, Sir. Why sure I can -do what I will with my own. - -_Bell._ I beg your Pardon, Sir, it is a great deal too much, I think. - -_Shar._ I think not, and I believe at this Juncture my Thoughts are -more to the purpose than yours. - -_Bell._ But consider, Sir, what can he do with so much money; such a -low poor Fellow that has no Friends. - -_Shar._ No Friends? - -_Bell._ No Sir, a low Friendless Fellow. - -_Shar._ Nay if he is poor--set him down another hundred, Mr. -Littlewit. He shall not want a Friend while I am alive; for he is an -honest Lad, and loves a Bottle and a Wench as well as myself. - -_Bell._ Was there ever such a tricking exorbitant Rascal? (_Aside_) -Sir, I beg you'll alter that Article that relates to Shark. - -_Shar._ Sir, I beg you'll hold your Tongue. Say another word and I'll -give him a thousand pounds per Annum. - -_Bell._ Sir, I humbly beg Pardon. (_Bowing very low_) - -_Shar._ Well, beg Pardon and be satisfied. I think you have -reason--here I shall have you Master of six or seven thousand pounds -per Annum, as you call it, and almost a Plumb and a half in ready -Cole, and you are not satisfied; say one Word more and I'll tear my -Will, or leave every Shilling to the Inhabitants of Bedlam or to the -Man that finds out the Longitude. - -_Bell._ I have done, Sir. - -_Shar._ Pray then have done, Sir, and don't fret me. - -_Bell._ An impudent Rogue, but I must not contend with him now. -(_Aside_) - -_Shar._ Lord, it is as much trouble to give away an Estate as to get -it. - -_Doct._ Mr. Bellair, you should not interrupt the Testator; at such a -time his Mind should not be disturbed. - -_Shar._ You are in the right, Doctor Leatherhead. Let me see, have I -no Friend that I care to oblige with two or three thousand--I am in -such a generous Temper that I don't care to leave off yet. I have a -great Mind to give Shark a handful over, but---- - -_Bell._ Sir! - -_Shar._ No, I believe I have done. - -_Doct._ Will you please to sign then? - -_Shar._ That I would with all my Heart, but that the Gout and Palsy -prevent me. - -_Doct._ Then we must observe, Mr. Littlewit, that the said Testator -does declare his inability to write. - -_Shar._ Is the Bond to my Nephew ready? - -_Little._ Yes Sir. - -_Shar._ But is it strong, and so well drawn that the old Nick himself -should he turn Pettyfogger could not reverse it? - -_Doct._ It is, Sir. - -_Shar._ Very well. - -_Doct._ There if you please to make your mark by touching the Pen. -(_Shark touches the Pen_) So, and put the Watch over his Hand, and let -him take off the Seal--so, very well, Sir, you publish and declare -this to be your last Will and Testament, and desire Doctor Leatherhead -and Mr. Littlewit to be Witnesses thereunto? - -_Shar._ I do. - -(_All the ceremony of signing and sealing and delivering is -performed_) - -_Doct._ Very well, Sir Isaac, I will take care they shall be properly -registered. - -_Shar._ I beg, good Folks, that you will slip into the next Room for a -few Moments while I compose myself after this intolerable Fatigue; -Nephew, pray shew them in, and do the Honours of my House in the -genteelest Manner. - -_Bell._ I shall, Sir.--Doctor Leatherhead, Mr. Littlewit--will you -walk in, Gentlemen? - -_Doct._ Sir, your Servant, Sir. - -_Little._ Your's; we wish you better. - -_Shar._ Your Servant, your Servant, Gentlemen. Auh, auh--quick, quick. -(_Coughs_) (_Exeunt all but Lucy and Shark_) Lucy, off with my -Roguery, and let me appear in my native honesty. I have had Gibbets -and Halters in my Mind a hundred Times, passing and repassing, since I -began this Business. I am horridly afraid that the Devil and Sir -Isaac, for I suppose they are met by this time, will contrive some -means to counterplot us. Tho' I think I shall be a Match for them, if -we can keep the Law on our side, let me but secure that and I defy the -Devil and all his Works. There, there they are, the precious Robes of -Deceit. (_Throws down the old Man's Gown and Cap_) I think there has -been transacted as ingenious a Scene of Iniquity in that Gown, within -the short space of half an Hour, as in any Gown that has been trapesed -in Westminster Hall since the ingenious Mr. Wreathcock was -transported--Now my dear Lucy, after all this Fatigue and Bustle -(_Throws down the old Man's dress_) I think it would not be amiss for -you and I to relieve _and solace ourselves in the lawful State of -Procreation_. - -_Lucy._ Time enough, Fool. Consider Matrimony is a long Journey. - -_Shar._ True, Lucy; therefore the sooner we set out the better; for -Love, my Dear, like Time must be taken by the Forelock. - -_Lucy._ Come, come, this is no time for prating and fooling. Do you -join the Company to avoid Suspicion, and tomorrow Morning put me in -Mind of it. If I am in Humour, I may perhaps walk towards Doctors -Commons and venture at a great Leap in the Dark with you, for so I -think marriage may be justly called. - -_Shar._ Why ay, this is speaking like one that has a mind to Deal. -_Here's my hand; it shall stand on my side._ - -_Lucy._ And here's my hand. If I can help it, it shall not fail on -mine. - -_Shar._ Touch--Buss--I like the Sample and _am resolved to purchase -the whole Commodity_. (_Exit Shark_) - -(_Monsieur_ DU MAIGRE _within_) - -_Maigre._ Mistress Lucy! Mistress Lucy! why you no come when your -Maitre Janie be so very much bad--where be you? - -_Lucy._ Who have we here? Our Apothecary, Monsieur du Maigre! Pray -Heaven the old Man is not come to Life again. - - (_Enter Monsieur_ DU MAIGRE) - -_Maigre._ O Mistress Lucy for shame! Pardie, why you no come to your -Maitre! He be dead this one half quartre de Hour, and you no come; by -Gar, he wanta his Gown and his Cap. - -_Lucy._ What, is he alive? - -_Maigre._ Yes; he was dead, but I bring him to Life; I bleed a him, -and so he comes from the dead Man to de Life. But come, allons, vite, -vite, he want a de Gown. (_Takes up the Gown and Cap_) - -_Lucy._ So we have been making a Will to a fine Purpose. - -_Maigre._ Allons, vite, vite, Mistress Lucy, he be very bad -indeed--and he want a you ver much, allons. (_Exeunt_) - - (_Enter_ BELLAIR _and_ SHARK) - -_Shar._ Well, Sir, now who is the Fool? the Blockhead? Did not I tell -you we should succeed? - -_Bell._ Yes but, Scoundrel, how did you dare to make such a Will? - -_Shar._ In what respect, Sir? - -_Bell._ In what, Rascal! To Lucy and yourself, how dare you leave so -much money between you? - -_Shar._ For the best reason in the World, Sir, because I knew nobody -dared to contradict me. And had I thought you would have been angry at -it--I assure you, Sir--I should have left as much more. Why Sir, if -you will consider the Affair impartially, you will find I had a right -to be Co-heir with you. - -_Bell._ How so, Sir? - -_Shar._ By the Laws of Roguery, Sir--in which it is a fundamental -Maxim that in Cheats of this Kind, all people are upon a par, and have -a right to an equal Snack. - -_Bell._ Impudent Rascal! - -_Shar._ But if you think, Sir, that I have behaved in this Affair -selfishly or unbecoming a Rogue of Honour, I will send in for Doctor -Leatherhead and Mr. Littlewit, for they are still in the next Room, -and cancel the Will directly. - -_Bell._ No, Rascal, you know my Love to Harriet will not let me -consent to that. - -_Shar._ This is just the way of the great World--the poor Rogues are -Men of parts and do all the Business--and the rich ones not only -arrogate the Merit to themselves, but are for running away with all -the Plunder. - - (_Enter_ LUCY) - -_Lucy._ O Sir! - -_Bell._ What's the matter? - -_Lucy._ Oh! Oh! Oh! I can't speak--but your Uncle's alive--that's all. -(_Sets down a great Chair_) - -_Shar._ And that's enough to hang one, I'm sure. - -_Bell._ Alive! - -_Lucy._ Ay, alive, Sir. - -_Shar._ This comes of your begrudging me my Snack of the Spoil, Sir. - -_Bell._ Why I thought you saw him senseless and dead. - -_Lucy._ I thought so too; but it seems while we were about the Will, -Monsieur du Maigre, the Apothecary, came in and bled him in an -Instant, which has unfortunately recovered him. He is within with him -now, and one Councellour Cormorant who is come upon some Law Business -to him--O here they all come. - -_Bell._ What a malicious turn of Fortune this is. - -_Shar._ Why Sir, if you will not be ungrateful, now I believe I can -secure a Retreat and such a one as the greatest General in Europe in -our Situation would not be ashamed of. - -_Bell._ Dear Shark, I will do anything thou wilt. - -_Shar._ Ay, now it is dear Shark, but know, Sir, you have to deal with -an Englishman, and a Man of Honour who scorns to put an Enemy to Death -when he begs for Quarter--tho' you have been an ungenerous Ally as -ever vowed Fidelity to the Crown of England--but no matter, I'll serve -you still and completely. - -_Bell._ But how, dear Shark? - -_Shar._ I won't tell you--and I defy you to guess now--or anybody else -that's more--I must step into the next Room for a Moment and whisper -the Lawyers, and in the meantime, do you persist in your Uncle's -having made a Will; that's all.--Don't you be like an ignorant Thief -before a noisy Magistrate, confess and hang yourself. And you, Madam, -do you embronze your Countenance, and keep up your Character to the -last. (_Exit_) - - (_Enter_ SKINFLINT _supported by Councellour_ CORMORANT - _and Monsieur_ DU MAIGRE, LUCY _settling his great Chair_) - -_Skin._ Auh! auh! gently, gently. Let me down gently, pray. Oh, oh, -oh. (_Sits down_) O Nephew, how could you let me lie for dead so long -and never come near me? - -_Bell._ Really, Sir, I never heard a word that you were in any Danger -of Dying. - -_Skin._ And Lucy, how could you be so cruel to neglect me so long? - -_Lucy._ Me! Lord, Sir, I never knew anything of it 'till Monsieur du -Maigre informed me. - -_Maigre._ No, Pardie, she not have any knowledge 'till dat me make her -de Intelligence. - -_Lucy._ I thought you were in a sound Sleep, Sir, and was extremely -glad of it. - -_Bell._ And so was I, I do assure you, Sir. - -_Skin._ I am obliged to you Nephew, but I had like to have slept my -last. - -_Maigre._ It is very true indeed upon my word. But dat Monsieur la -avocat--here--Monsieur la what is your name, si'l vous plait--I always -forget. - -_Coun._ Cormorant, Sir. - -_Maigre._ Mais oui Monsieur la Cormorant--but dat he and I come in -together, just after one another; I believe I come in one, two Minute -before you, Monsieur la Cormorant--I say but dat me come in the Nick -upon a my word, Sir Isaac, you be defunct.--And then I lose my Annuity -upon your Life, and by Gar, dat be very bad for Monsieur du Maigre. - -_Skin._ I am obliged to you, Monsieur--are the Lawyers come, Lucy? Mr. -Littlewit and Doctor Leatherhead? - -_Lucy._ Yes Sir, they have been here a considerable time. - -_Skin._ Desire them to walk in. - -_Lucy._ So now the Murder's coming out. (_Exit Lucy_) - -_Skin._ Nephew, I am at last resolved to make my Will; I shall make a -proper provision for you in it. But as our Soul is the immortal part -of us,[4] I must take Care of that the first thing I do. Therefore I -am resolved to appropriate so much of my Fortune as will be sufficient -for that purpose to the building of an Almshouse. - - (_Enter Doctor_ LEATHERHEAD, _Mr._ LITTLEWIT, _Lady_ - LOVEWEALTH, [HARRIET,] SHARK _and_ LUCY) - -_Skin._ So Gentlemen! I have altered my Mind, Mr. Littlewit, since I -saw you last. - -_Little._ Concerning what, Sir? - -_Skin._ My Will, Sir. - -_Little._ It is now too late, Sir; you have put it out of your Power. - -_Skin._ Out of my Power? - -_Doct._ Ay, and out of the Power of Westminster Hall! Sir Isaac, you -know I gave you my Opinion upon it before you made it. - -_Skin._ What, is the man mad? - -_Doct._ No, Sir, I am not mad; and I would advise you not to be -foolish and whimsical as you owned about half an hour since you were -subject to. - -_Skin._ Why the men are drunk or mad, I think. - -_Maigre._ Pardie, somebody be drunk or mad among you, for by gar, me -no understand your Vards. - -_Skin._ Why Gentlemen, I sent for you to make my Will. - -_Doct._ You did so, Sir, and you have made it. And it is registered. -And there is the Copy. Ask your Nephew, and these Ladies, and your -maid Lucy, and the Footman here. - -_Shar._ No pray, Sir, don't bring me into it; I was not here. - -_Doct._ You are right, Friend, I believe you were not here, but ask -all the rest. - -_Skin._ Nephew, do you know anything of all this? - -_Bell._ Upon my word, Sir, what the Doctor says is true. - -_Skin._ How! True, Lucy? - -_Lucy._ Indeed, Sir, you did make a Will before you had your fit, but -you have forgot it, I suppose. - -_Skin._ Why this is all a Contrivance, a Conspiracy, a--pray when did -I make this Will? - -_Doct._ Why, Sir, it is not ten minutes since you signed it, and all -these are Witnesses. (_Pointing on their own side of the room_) - -_Shar._ No pray, Sir, leave me out. I will be sworn in any Court in -Westminster, Sir Isaac, that I know nothing of the matter. - -_Maigre._ By Gar, this Doctor Leatherhead be one ver great -Fripon.--Harkee, Sir, you say he make de Signature to the Will in -these ten a Minute. - -_Doct._ Yes Sir. - -_Maigre._ By Gar, dat cannot be, fo[r] Monsieur Cormorant and myself -be vid him above thirteen, and he make no Will in that time, Jarnie -bleu. - -_Coun._ It is very true, Gentlemen, that we can attest. - -_Skin._ Pray Doctor, let me see this Will; read it if you please. - -_Doct._ Sir Isaac Skinflint being seated in his great Chair--um -underwritten--Sound Senses tho' infirm in Body. - -_Skin._ No matter for the Preamble. - -_Doct._ Um, um, um, committed to writing his underwritten Will, in -Manner and Form following; Imprimis, I will that all my Debts be paid. - -_Skin._ Debts! I do not owe one Shilling in the World. - -_Doct._ You forget, Sir Isaac, you owe for the Nursing of a Bastard -Child at Wandsor, and several little dribbling Debts where you used to -meet your Wenches. - -_Skin._ How a Bastard; why I never had a Bastard in my Life--but -once--and that was forty years ago with a great red Hair Wench, a Maid -that my Father had--but it was when I was a Lad and I did not know -what I was about. - -_Doct._ Item, I do constitute my Nephew Bellair whole and sole -Executor, disinheriting and cutting off all other Persons. - -_Skin._ This is a scene of Villainy. - -_Doct._ Saving those hereafter mentioned-unto Harriet Lovewealth my -Niece that shall be, I do bequeath the set of Diamond -Bracelets--Mortgaged by the---- - -_Skin._ This is all a Robbery. - -_Coun._ Let 'em go on, Sir Isaac, you have your Remedy. - -_Skin._ This is all a Robbery. - -_Doct._ To my Maid Lucy, one thousand pounds. - -_Skin._ O monstrous; I never intended to give her a Farthing. - -_Doct._ Item, to that honest Fellow Slipstring Shark. - -_Shar._ That is me, Sir Isaac, and I humbly thank your Honour. - -_Doct._ I bequeath him three hundred pounds per Annum during his -natural Life, to be paid out of that part of my Estate he shall think -proper. - -_Shar._ O blessings on your generous Heart. It was always fond of -rewarding Merit. - -_Skin._ Read no more--I'll have every one of you indicted for -Forgery--and Conspiracy and--first take Notice, Councellour Cormorant -and Monsieur du Maigre, that I deny that Will to be any Act of -mine--and that I cancel it to all Intents and Purposes. - -_Doct._ That you can't do, Sir--for by way of Marriage Articles -between Bellair and Harriet Lovewealth you have signed a Deed -conformable to this Will. - -_Skin._ Why this is such a piece of Villainy as the Records of -Westminster Hall cannot match. - -_Coun._ Do not be uneasy Sir Isaac, you have one, and one certain way -of oversetting all their Villainy; and that is by confessing that you -made this Will, and proving that you were out of your Senses when you -did it, which may easily be done by proper Witnesses. (_Aside_) - -_Skin._ I'll confess that or anything--to get my money again, and to -hang them all--Doctor Leatherhead, I begin now to remember something -of the making of this Will,--but I can prove I was lightheaded and out -of my Senses when I did it. - -_Doct._ Sir Isaac, it is no Affair of mine.--It is your Nephew's -Concern; if he is willing to let such Chicane pass upon him, he may; -but if he has a Mind to insist upon the Will, I'll undertake to prove -you were in your Senses as perfectly as ever you were in your Life. - -_Skin._ And will you insist, Nephew? - -_Bell._ It is not in my Power to be off it, Sir, for in consequence -that you were sincere when you made this Will, my Lady Lovewealth here -has given me her Daughter, and her own Chaplain has just now put the -finishing hand to the Business in the next Room, before all these -Witnesses. - -_Skin._ So you won't resign? - -_Bell._ I can't, Sir. - -_Skin._ Come along, Mr. Cormorant, I'll hamper them all--I'll prove -myself out of my Senses before I sleep. (_Exit Skinflint and -Cormorant_) - -_Maigre._ By gar, dis be all ver great, much Surprize upon me, van, -pardie, pardie make the Man make a de Vill veder he will or no, and de -Man say he will prove dat he be Lunatic and lightheaded--by gar, me -never hear de like in France, pardie, etc. etc. (_Exit_) - -_Shar._ Well I believe this Affair is over for tonight; and upon my -Word, I am heartily glad of it, for I have been in very sweating -Circumstances ever since it began, but especially since Sir Isaac came -to Life. I was afraid that single incident would have damned our whole -Intrigue; but thanks to the Gentlemen of the Gown, I now begin to -have some hopes we shall succeed. I have done my Master's Business -completely, and as Executors go, I do not think that I have been too -partial to myself--I believe there are several honest Gentlemen who -walk the 'Change and go to Church constantly [who] would have thought -they acted very generously if they had given Bellair even an equal -Dividend--but I beg Pardon--you are to judge, not I, and unless you -approve the Deed, I shall denounce my Share of the Legacy. - - _For should our Will in Westminster be tried - The Right, I fear, would fall on t'other side. - Here you are absolute; confirm my Cause. - If you approve--a Figg for Courts and Laws!_ - - -FINIS - - - - -THE NEW PLAY CRITICIZED: - -OR - -THE PLAGUE OF ENVY[5] - -PROLOGUE[6] - - - Of all good Printing it is hardest sure - To form a perfect Piece in Miniature. - The Genius and the Pencil when confined - Cramp both the Painter's Hand and Poet's Mind. - Let then the Author claim a kinder Fate - Whose Compass little,--yet his Subject great. - Thus for our Petit Piece we crave your Favour, - And if she bear one Sketch of Nature, save her-- - _Let not your Wrath against the Author rise, - If he to Flight presumes to criticize. - Our humble Wren attempts to mount and sing, - Beneath the Shelter of his Eagle's Wing._ - - Envy's a general Vice from which we see - No Country, Sex, no Time or Station free; - Not e'en the Stage; for entre nous I fear - Our Emulation is meer Envy here. - Whatever the Pursuits our Thoughts engage, - Envy's the ruling Passion of the Stage. - Yet here our Friends the Poets much surpass us; - Envy's a Weed that almost choaks Parnassus. - And what amazes most is often found - Mixt in the Harvest of the richest Ground. - While Poets railed and ruined in each Page, - We took it all for pure poetick Rage. - While ev'ry little Slip was made the Handle, - And Satire's specious Name concealed the Scandal, - We thought that Virtue did this Warmth impart, - Nor saw low Envy lurking in the Heart. - Our Indignation into Grief was turned, - E'en those, who felt the Smart, admired and mourned. - The scribbling unsuccessful envious Fool - Is the fit Subject for our Ridicule. - Those Sons of Dulness here in Crowds resort, - Tho' Dunces on the Record of this Court. - As they were wounded, so they wish to wound, - And strive to deal their own Damnation round. - To blast young Merit all their Powers they bring, - And set their little Souls upon the thing. - Yet still the wretched Fool comes off a Loser, - Dulness, like Conscience, is its own Accuser. - And Tyrant Envy can at once impart - Sneers to the Face and Vultures to the Heart. - - Then from this Subject which tonight we chuse, - At least confess it is an honest Muse. - A Foe to ev'ry Party, ev'ry Faction; - For lo, she draws her Pen against Detraction. - -P.S. You may send it to the Barbers. - - - - -DRAMATIS PERSONAE - - - CANKER - LADY CRITICK - HEARTLY - HARRIET - SIR PATRICK BASHFULL - MRS. CHATTER - NIBBLE - TRIFLE - PLAGIARY - GRUBWIT - BUMPKIN - FOOTMAN - -_Scene in Lady_ CRITICK's _House_ - -The Time an hour after the New Play on the first Night - - - - -THE NEW PLAY CRITICIZED: - -OR - -THE PLAGUE OF ENVY - - (_Enter_ CANKER _and_ FOOTMAN) - - -_Cank._ Is not my Man come in yet? - -_Foot._ No, Sir. - -_Cank._ Pray will you oblige me by letting one of your Servants step -to Covent Garden Playhouse to look for him. - -_Foot._ I'll go myself, Sir; for I shan't be wanted 'till my Lady -comes from the Play. (_Exit_) - -_Cank._ Let me see (_pulling out his Watch_) 'tis now half an hour -after Seven. By this time the Fate of the Suspicious Husband is -determined; applauded to the Skies; or damned beyond Redemption; its -Author crowned with Laurel, or covered with Shame. Sure they can't -approve it! And yet the Stings I felt at the reading [of] it give me -presaging Pangs of its Success. (_Sighs deeply_) It has its Beauties I -must confess. Why should I thus grieve at a young Author's approaching -Fame? His Throes and Pangs lest it should fail have been far short of -mine lest it should succeed; nor would the Author's Joy for its kind -Reception equal my secret Rapture at its irretrievable Disgrace. What -is this that like a slow but infallible Poison corrodes my Vitals and -destroys my Peace of Mind? Emulation? (_Shakes his head and sighs_) I -am afraid the World will call it Envy. All Mankind has some, but -Authors most; and we can better brook a Rival in our Love than in our -Fame. What can detain this Rascal? I am upon the Rack to know how it -goes on--let me see, in what Manner would I have it treated? In the -first Act I would have them applaud it violently,--in the second and -third be coldly attentive,--in the fourth begin to groan, horse laugh -and whistle,--and in the fifth just before the Catastrophe, one and -all cry aloud, off, off, off! The Epilogue! The Epilogue! O that would -be delightful! Exquisite! - - (_Enter_ FOOTMAN) - -So Sir! You Blockhead, how came you to stay so long? But first tell me -how the Play was received; whereabouts did they begin to hiss? - -_Foot._ Hiss! he, he, he, Lard, Zir, why they did not hiss at all. - -_Cank._ You lye, you Rascal! (_Gives him a box_) - -_Foot._ Zir! - -_Cank._ I say they did hiss. - -_Foot._ Hiss quotha!--I am zure you have made my Ear hiss--and zing -too, I think; why pray Zir, what did'st give me such a Wherrit var? - -_Cank._ How shamefully I expose my weakness to my Servant. I would -know the truth, but I cannot bear to hear it. (_Aside_) Come, Sir, -tell me (_Sits down in a great Chair_) how was it received? But first -what made you stay so long? Did I not order you to hearken at the Pit -Door and bring me Word at the end of every Act how it went on? - -_Foot._ Yes Zir; you did zo, Zir; but the Vauk zhut the Door, and then -I could zee nothing at all o' the Matter.--Zo I begged them to open -the door as I might zee through it; but they were zo ztout that they -would do no zuch thing, they zaid. Zo then I went up to the Lobby--and -there I met with an auld Vellow Zervant out of Zomersetshire. Zo he -and I went up to the Footman's Gallery that I might give my Vardie of -the matter to your Honour when I came Home. - -_Cank._ And why did you not come away at the End of the first Act? - -_Foot._ Why faith to tell your Honour the truth it made me laugh zo I -could not vind in my Heart to leave it. - -_Cank._ Rascal, how dare you tell me it made you laugh? (_Strikes -him_) - -_Foot._ No indeed, Zir, it was a mistake of mine; I mean it made me -cry zo I could not leave it. - -_Cank._ Leave your blundering, you blockhead, and tell me how it was -received; did they hiss it? - -_Foot._ Yes Zir, yes Zir, there was as much hizzing as when your -Tragedy was acted. - -_Cank._ Rascal, how dare you mention that, hissed. (_Strikes him_) - -_Foot._ Why what the Devil would you have a Man zay. You be'ent -pleased when I tell you it was clapt, nor you be'ent pleased when I -tell you it was hissed. (_Cries_) But whether you are pleased or no, I -tell you it was clapt very much and was ten times comicaller than your -Tragedy, and made the People laugh more. - -(_Runs off for fear of being beat_) - -_Cank._ How this ignorant Rascal has teized me by his Account! I can't -tell whether it was damned or saved; he said it was clapt--but he said -afterwards it was hissed--it may be so for _it is impossible mere -Incidents_, which are the chief Merit of this Piece, should make it -succeed! Were I sure of that, would I had gone myself! O what a secret -Rapture should I have had in the hypocritical Exertion of my seeming -good Nature in the Author's behalf. When I was sure it would not serve -him, I would have stabbed and wounded his Fame by my pity for his ill -Success, 'till I had made both him and his Play as contemptible as -Vanity and Dullness, but the Fear of being martyred by its Applause -was insupportable. I could never have survived it. - - (_Enter Mr._ HEARTLY) - -_Heart._ Mr. Canker, your most humble Servant. - -_Cank._ Mr. Heartly, yours. - -_Heart._ Are the Ladies come home from the Play? - -_Cank._ Not yet, Sir; weren't you there, Mr. Heartly? - -_Heart._ No, Sir, I had some Business of Consequence which prevented -me. _I hear there were prodigious Crowds there and that the House was -full by four o'clock._ - -_Cank._ I am surprized at that, for I think that this Author has never -writ for the Stage before. - -_Heart._ That may be the Reason why he excites such Curiosity now; for -the People look upon every new Author as a Candidate for publick Fame -or Disgrace; and as the Right of Election is vested in them, each -Man's Friendship, Vanity, or Envy prompts him to exert his Authority -the first Night, lest he should never have an Opportunity afterwards. - -_Cank._ Well I wish this Gentleman well of his Election. _I knew him -at School and College_, and have some small Acquaintance with him now; -a--a--as a Man I like him extremely, but--as--an--a--a--a--a--an -Author, a, um,--I wish he had not writ, that's all. - -_Heart._ Why so Sir, I think there is not a Gentleman in Britain but -might be proud of being the Author of a well wrote Play. - -_Cank._ Ha, ha, Lord, Mr.--sure you can't call his a Play. _It is -rather a Pantomime, a thing stuffed with Escapes, Pursuits, Ladders of -Ropes and Scenes in the Dark, all a parcel of Pantomimical Finesses -such as you see every Night at Rich's Entertainments. Ranger is really -the Harlequin and Mr. Strictland Colombine's Husband; though the -Author is an Acquaintance and a Man whom I respect, notwithstanding I -have so contemptible an Opinion of the Play, I heartily wish he may -succeed._ - -_Heart._ This is a very strange way of showing your Respect, Mr. -Canker. - -_Cank._ Sir, I assure you my Censure of the Piece arises from my -Esteem of the Author. I would have him exploded now, that he may not -expose himself by writing again. Besides I have some Concern for the -Publick; it should not be overrun with every Fool _who mistakes -Inclination for Genius_. - -_Heart._ Nor plagued with every invidious Wretch who mistakes Envy for -Judgment and Assurance for Parts. If the Suspicious Husband has Merit, -the Publick will reward it; if not they will condemn it. - -_Cank._ The Publick! ha, ha, ha, Mr. Heartly, ask any Man of real -Taste and Learning what he thinks of publick Judgment. - -_Heart._ 'Tis true they have been often in the wrong, but then it is -always on the good Natured Side. They have sometimes applauded where -perhaps they should have censured, _but there never was an Instance -where they condemned unjustly_. - -_Cank._ Yes Sir, they condemned several of my pieces unjustly and -shamefully, and _if they applaud such a piece as the Suspicious -Husband_, I say they have lost all Taste of good Writing and true -Comedy. - -_Heart._ O here is my Lady's Woman, Mrs. Chatter: she has been at the -Play and can give us the whole Account of it. - - (_Enter Mrs._ CHATTER _and_ FOOTMAN) - -_Mrs. Chat._ Pray Mr. Thomas, be so good as to get me a Glass of -Water. - -_Foot._ Yes ma'm. (_Going_) - -_Chat._ And pray give this Capuchin and Fan to the Chambermaid. - -_Foot._ Yes ma'm. (_Exit_) - -_Chat._ Gentlemen, I beg ten thousand Pardons, but I must sit down a -bit, I am so immensely fatigued. - -_Heart._ Pray Mrs. Chatter, what it is Matter? - -_Chat._ Matter! The Devil fetch the new Play for me, and the Play-House, -and the Players, and all of them together, for I was never so chagrinned -since I was born. - -_Cank._ What you did not like the Play, I suppose, Mrs. Chatter, nor -the Acting. - -_Chat._ O quite the contrary, Sir, I never saw a prettier Play in all -my Life, and I think Mr. Ranger the Templer is a charming Fellow! O -lud! I protest I should not care to trust myself with him in his -Chambers--well he made me laugh a thousand times tonight, with his -going up the Ladder of Ropes, and then into the Lady's Chamber, and -his dropping his Hat, and his going to ravish Jacyntha, and a thousand -comical things--but he brings all off at last. (_Enter Footman with a -Glass of Water_) O Mr. Thomas, I thank you. (_Drinks, gives him the -Glass, Footman is going off_) O Mr. Thomas. - -_Foot._ Madam. - -_Chat._ I vow I am over Shoes and Boots with walking home from the -Playhouse; there was neither Chair nor Coach to be had for Love or -Money; pray will you tell the Chambermaid to leave out some clean -things for me in my Lady's dressing Room. - -_Foot._ I shall, Madam. (_Going_) - -_Chat._ O one thing more--pray Mr. Thomas, let the Monkey and the -Parrot be removed out of my Lady's dressing Room, for I know she won't -care to converse with them tonight.--The new Comedy I suppose will -engross our Chat for one week at least. - -_Foot._ A pox on these Monkeys and Parrots and these second hand -Quality; they require more Attendance than our Ladies. (_Exit_) - -_Heart._ Pray Mrs. Chatter, if you were pleased with the Play and the -Acting, from whence arises your Distress? - -_Chat._ From the oddest Accident in the World, Mr. Heartly. You must -know, Mr. Canker, that I am a vast Admirer of the Belles Lettres as my -Lady calls 'em, and never miss the first Night of a new thing--I am as -fond of a new thing as my Lady is and I assure you she often takes my -Judgment upon any new Play or Opera, and the Actors and Actresses. For -you must know, Mr. Canker, I am thought a very tolerable Judge. - -_Cank._ Well, but how did the Play succeed? - -_Chat._ O immensely. - -_Cank._ Was it hissed? - -_Chat._ Not once. - -_Heart._ Was it applauded? - -_Chat._ To an immensity. - -_Cank._ Psha! impossible! She knows nothing of the Matter. - -_Chat._ No to be sure, Mr. Canker, I know nothing of the Matter -because I did not like your Play; but I would have you to know, Sir, -that my Lady and I know a good Play when we see or read it as well as -you for all your Aristotle and your Cook upon Littleton, and all your -great Criticks. (_Exit_) - -_Cank._ Psha! an ignorant Creature, Mr. Heartly, your Servant; I'll go -and see for the Ladies. - -_Heart._ So you have nettled him, Mrs. Chatter. - -_Chat._ O hang him, he can't abide me upon your Account and Miss -Harriet's; a conceited envious Wretch; he will allow nobody to have -Judgment but himself. - -_Heart._ But pray what was your Distress, Mrs. Chatter? - -_Chat._ Why as soon as I had dropped my Lady, away went I to the Play, -and so, Sir, I mobbed it into the Pit--for you must know I admire the -Humour of the Savages in the Pit upon these Occasions of all things; -so, so, Sir, as I was saying my Lady Ramble's Woman who is the most -ignorant Animal in the Creation of the Belles Lettres [and] knows no -more of them than a Welch Attorney, well she and I and my Lord Pride's -Gentleman went together and we had immense fun, ha, ha, ha; we made -the Musick play twenty comical Tunes, and a hundred things besides. I -saw all our Ladies in the side Box and we pantomimed all Night long at -one another, and were immensely merry, and liked the Play vastly well. -There was an infinite [ly] pretty Dance at the End of it--and the -sweetest Epilogue--We encored the Dance--but they begged they might -speak the Epilogue first, so then we clapt immensely, ha, ha. - -_Heart._ But I thought, Mrs. Chatter, you were going to give me an -Account of your Distress. - -_Chat._ I was so, but I protest I quite forgot it--hark! is not that -our Coach stopped! Yes 'tis they--then--I beg pardon, Mr. Heartly, but -I can't possibly stay to tell you the Story now, for I must run to my -Lady. (_Exit_) - - (_Enter_ HARRIET) - -_Har._ O Mr. Candid, your Servant; you're a gallant Gentleman not to -come to us. O you Clown! You have lost such a Night, such Diversion---- - -_Heart._ I am glad you were so well entertained, Madam, but you know -it was impossible for me to have the Pleasure of waiting upon you, as -I was obliged to attend my Uncle. Besides, Madam, I had your leave to -be absent. I am glad to hear the Play had such Success; pray how does -my Lady like it? - -_Har._ O immoderately! - -_Heart._ How happened that? She went prejudiced against it, I am sure. - -_Har._ O Canker did insinuate a most villainous character of it to us -all, that's the truth on't; but _Sir Charles Stanza who is a great -Friend of the Author's_ came into our Box and sat there all Night with -us; and what with his Encomiums and the Merit of the Piece, we are all -become most Violent Converts; and now my Lady like a true Proselyte is -for persecuting everybody with the Brand of Idiotism who is out of the -Pale of her Ladyship's Judgment. - -_Heart._ A true mark of Biggotry and Ignorance. - -_Har._ You know she is as fond of a New Wit, as a City Esquire who is -setting up to be one himself; so she begged Sir Charles would -introduce her to the Author, and he was so very obliging as to promise -to bring him here to sup this very Night. - -_Heart._ That was a high Compliment indeed to a Lady of her Fondness -for Authors. - -_Har._ O it has won her Heart; she's distracted with it. - -_Heart._ But dear Harriet, now to our Affairs. You see there is no -getting the better of this Fellow Canker; he has got the entire -Possession of your Aunt, and she is resolved by Marriage Contract to -give you to him this very Night. What's to be done? - -_Har._ What's to be done? Why twenty things; I'll have the Vapours, -Hystericks, Cholick and Madness rather than consent, and at last if my -Aunt does persist, as I am afraid she will, why, like Jacyntha in the -new Play, it is but providing a Ladder of Ropes and a pair of -Breeches, and then the Business is done. - -_Heart._ Dear Girl, you have eased my anxious Heart; thus let me pay -my soft Acknowledgment. - -_Har._ Thus let me pay my soft Acknowledgment. Ha, ha, ha! (_Mimicking -him_) Upon my Word and Honour you make as ridiculous a Figure as a -whining Lover in a Farce. Prithee let us have done with this -theatrical Cant. - -_Heart._ No, Harriet, I can never have done Loving you. - -_Har._ Why I don't desire you to have done loving me; I only bid you -have done telling me so--if you would please me, love me more and tell -me less. - -_Heart._ Dear kind Creature! (_Kissing her Hand_) Pray what's become -of my Lady? - -_Har._ Apropos, do you know that the Irish Beau that we laughed at so -immoderately the other Night at the Opera, came into our Box and set -there all the Play? - -_Heart._ Who, Sir Patrick Bashfull? - -_Har._ The same. The Rogue has plagued me to Death with his -Civilities, his Compliments and his Blunders; he is the most fulsome -Fellow sure that ever pretended to Politeness. - -_Heart._ Yes but the best Jest is that the Rogue is ashamed of his -Country and says he was born in France. - -_Har._ Well after sighing and making doux yeux at me all play time, he -would hand me to the Coach; but the Fellow squeezed me so as we went -along, that I was obliged to cry out and pull my hand away; when we -were in the Coach, I thought we had got rid of him, but the Instant -the Footman knocked at our Door, to our great Surprize who should we -find at the Coach side ready to hand us out but our Irish Gallant. We -could not avoid asking him in; he made a Million of Apologies for his -Assurance, but his chief one was that he observed two suspicious -Fellows dogging the Coach, so he followed us home to prevent our being -insulted. - -_Heart._ Ha, ha, ha, I think it was a good Irish Excuse; and pray -where is he now? - -_Har._ I left him below with my Lady overwhelming her with -Civilities--See here they both come. - - (_Enter Lady_ CRITICK _and Sir_ PATRICK BASHFULL) - -_Lady._ Sir Patrick, we are immensely obliged to you for the Trouble -you have taken, and be assured, Sir, we shall languish to perpetuity -'till time shall produce a favourable opportunity of my making a -suitable Return. - -_Sir Pat._ O dear Madam, every Man of Gallantry must esteem the bare -Serving of your Ladyship an unmentionable Honour, which ought to be -held in the highest Estimation; and I protest to you, if this Accident -happens to be productive of a Friendly Intimation betwixt a Personage -of your Ladyship's Wit and Politeness and your humble Slave, I shall -from thence date the Era of my past and future happiness tho' I was to -live an Age of Misery afterwards. - -_Heart._ O the blundering fulsome Rogue! (_Aside to Harriet_) - -_Lady._ Really I am at a Loss how to return this great Civility. - -_Sir Pat._ O Lord, Madam, not in the least--You are only pleased to -compliment. (_They compliment in dumbshew apart_) - -_Har._ See, see, Sir Patrick and my Lady what pains they take to shew -their Politeness. - -_Lady._ And I shall be proud of the Honour of a Visit whenever it -suits the Inclination and Conveniency of Sir Patrick Bashfull. - -_Sir Pat._ Madam, je suis votre tres humble. - -_Lady._ O dear Sir Patrick, you are infinitely polite. (_Turning about -to Heartly and Harriet_) O Mr. Heartly, I am sorry you did not come to -us; I pity you, you have lost such a Night. - -_Heart._ I am glad to hear your Ladyship was so agreeably entertained. - -_Lady._ Immensely! _It is the highest Entertainment the Age has -produced._ - -_Sir Pat._ By my Integrity, Madam, I have the Honour to be of your -Ladyship's Opinion. It is the prettiest Entertainment I have seen upon -the English Theatre, except Orpheus and Eurydice, where the Serpent -is--(_Going up to Heartly_) Sir, I have not the Pleasure of being -known to you--but I should be proud to have the Honour of an Intimacy -with a Gentleman of your polite Parts and Understanding. - -_Heart._ Sir, I am greatly obliged to you. - -_Sir Pat._ You must know, Sir, I am but just come into the Kingdom of -London, and as I am an entire Stranger here, I should be glad to be -acquainted with everybody in the Beau Monde, but with none so soon as -a Gentleman of Mr.--pray Sir, what's your Name? - -_Heart._ Sir, my Name is Heartly. - -_Sir Pat._ Sir, I am your most obedient humble Servant, and your -sincere Friend and Acquaintance likewise--tho' I have the Honour only -to be a Stranger to you as yet. - -_Heart._ Sir, your humble Servant. - -_Lady._ What a well bred Manner he has. - -_Sir Pat._ I hope, Sir, you will excuse my Modesty on this Occasion. - -_Heart._ O dear Sir, your Modesty I dare answer for it will never -stand in need of any Excuse. - -_Sir Pat._ O your very--Sir, I hope you will likewise pardon my -Neglect of not introducing myself sooner to your Acquaintance, but I -assure you, Sir, the Reason was because I never saw you before. - -_Heart._ Sir, your Reason is unanswerable; your Name I think is -Bashfull, Sir? - -_Sir Pat._ Sir Patrick Bashfull at your Service. - -_Heart._ Of the Bashfulls of Ireland I presume, Sir? - -_Sir Pat._ No Sir, I am originally descended from the Fitz-Bashfulls -of France--tho' indeed our Family was of Irish Distraction first of -all. - -_Heart._ Your Title is of Ireland I suppose, Sir? - -_Sir Pat._ And most Courts of Europe, Sir; I have an intimate Interest -with them all, and should be proud to do you any Service with any of -them from the Court of Versailles down to the distressed State of -Genoa. - -_Heart._ Sir, you are infinitely obliging. - -_Lady._ Well but, Mr. Heartly, you will go with us tomorrow Night? - -_Heart._ By all means, Madam. - -_Lady._ I have taken a Box for twenty Night; don't you think it will -run so long, Sir Patrick? - -_Sir Pat._ Indeed I believe it will, my Lady, and twenty days too--for -it is a charming thing. Pray Madam, is it not one of Shakespear's? - -_Lady._ O Lud no, Sir--it is entirely new, never was acted before. - -_Sir Pat._ _I protest, Madam, it is so very fine I took it for one of -Shakespear's--for you must know, Madam, that I am a great Admirer of -Shakespear and Milton's Comedies--they are very diverting. O they have -fine long Soliloquies in them--to be or not to be, that's the -Dispute--Don't you think, Madam, that's a charming fine Play--that -Hamlet Prince of Dunkirk, and Othello Moor of Venus they say is a very -deep Comedy, but I never saw it acted._ - -_Lady._ To be sure Shakespear was a very tolerable Author for the -time, Sir Patrick, he writ in, but--a--he was excessively incorrect. -Don't you think he was, Mr. Heartly? - -_Heart._ Extremely so, my Lady. - -_Lady._ Well this Comedy is quite Aristotelian, with an infinity of -Plot--quite tip top--You will like it immensely; it is quite a high -thing. - -_Heart._ To be sure nobody has a more elegant Taste of Works of Genius -than your Ladyship, particularly of the Drama. - -_Lady._ Why really, Mr. Heartly, I think I have some tolerable Ideas -of the finer Arts. Mr. Canker, who is allowed to have more critical -Learning than any man since Zoilus, says I have an Exquisite Taste of -Dramatick Rules--I have given him several hints in his Plays--and have -sometimes writ an Entire Scene for him. - -_Heart._ To be sure, Madam, your Knowledge is indisputable--but I am -afraid Mr. Canker will call your Judgment in question about this New -Play, for he rails at it excessively. - -_Lady._ He did abuse it to an infinite Degree before it came out; but -he will soon be convinced when he hears my Judgment of it, and to tell -you a Secret, Mr. Heartly, I am a little picqued at him for speaking -so ill of it--for I have a great Regard for the Author. Sir Charles -Stanza is to bring him to sup tonight, and we are to be immensely -intimate, and there is nothing I like so much as an Acquaintance with -a new Author. - - (_Enter_ FOOTMAN) - -_Foot._ Mr. Advocate the Lawyer is come to wait on your Ladyship. - -_Lady._ O he has brought the Marriage Articles; Harriet, I hope all -your Objections to Mr. Canker are removed, for this Night he is to -declare his Passion either for you or your Sister, and if you should -be his Choice, I desire as you have any regard for me that you will -receive him with Respect and Esteem. He has an immense deal of Wit, -and a most refined Understanding; as you are at my disposal, I expect -an implicit Acceptance of the Person I shall recommend. - -_Sir Pat._ Upon my Honour, my Lady, tho' I know nothing at all of the -Matter, I think you talk very reasonably. Shall I have the Honour of -your Ladyship's Hand? (_Exit Sir Patrick and Lady Critick_) - -_Har._ Well Sir, Matters are brought to a Crisis. - -_Heart._ They are so, and I see no Remedy but the old one. - -_Har._ Pray Sir, what is that? - -_Heart._ What you resolved on just now--Jacyntha's---- - -_Har._ What, running away? No, no, Sir, I don't think that quite so -necessary to our Plot as it was to theirs; it will be time enough to -put that Scheme in Execution when every thing else fails. - -_Heart._ But dear Harriet, what's to be done? You see that Canker -pretends a Passion for you, and your Aunt is fully determined on the -Match--I will openly avow my Love---- - -_Har._ Not for your Life. That would infallibly ruin us. Let my Lady -and Canker still imagine you are fond of my Sister. You and she have -dissembled it so well hitherto, that they are convinced of it; let -them continue in their Error, for if Canker gets the least Suspicion -of your Tendre for me, so inveterate is his Envy, that he would though -he loved another, infallibly make me his Choice. - -_Heart._ I am convinced. - -_Har._ The Wretch loves me, his Behaviour at least makes me think so; -if he does, I will probe his Heart and raise such a Conflict in it -between Love and Envy as shall soon decide which is his most -predominant Passion. See here [he] comes; be gone. [_Exit Heartly_] He -must not see us together. - - (_Enter_ CANKER) - -_Har._ O Mr. Canker, your Servant; we are infinitely obliged to you -for your Company at the New Play. - -_Cank._ Madam, I beg a Million of Pardons for disappointing you. I had -an intolerable Head Ache which rendered me incapable of the Happiness -of waiting on you. - -_Har._ Nay that won't pass for an Excuse; being there would have cured -your Head Ache; the clapping and laughing would have diverted and -drove it away. - -_Cank._ Yes into my Heart. (_Aside_) Madam, I have often tried and -found that kind of Noise increased my Disorder. - -_Har._ I fancy, Mr. Canker, because you are sure of my Aunt's Consent -that you begin to exert the Husband already and are ashamed to be seen -with me in Publick. - -_Cank._ Madam, you wrong me; the Husband shall be lost in the Lover. -My Heart knows no Sensation but from your heavenly Image. - -_Har._ O dear Mr. Canker, you had better keep this Poetic Nonsense -'till you write a Tragedy--It may pass then--But in such a Scene as -ours your Brother Criticks will certainly laugh at it; besides, you -have said all these fine things to me a thousand times; it is now time -to drop them, and instead of Fustian speak plain Common Sense. My Aunt -has promised and vowed in my Name, and this Night by Contract resolved -to make up a Conjugal Match between you and I, but before we play for -so large a Stake as Matrimony, is it not proper to have a good Opinion -and a thorough Knowledge of the Skill and Integrity of our Partners -that we are to play with? - -_Cank._ Sure Madam, you cannot doubt the sincerity of my Heart? - -_Har._ Um--why you Men are a kind of Sharpers in Love; you lose -trifles to us in Courtship in order to make us the greater Bubbles in -Marriage; therefore, like fair Gamesters, let us play upon the Square -by letting each other know what they have to trust to. - -_Cank._ Madam, my Heart is open to your Dictates; write your own Laws -in it. - -_Har._ If you will let me write them in my Marriage Articles, Sir, I -shall think my Obligation to you much greater. - -_Cank._ With all my Heart, Madam. Name your own Conditions; I will -subscribe to them. - -_Har._ Generous indeed, Mr. Canker; know then that I shall insist upon -an entire Change not only in your Conduct but even in your way of -thinking which will make you more agreeable to yourself and less -hateful to everybody else. - -_Cank._ Madam! - -_Har._ It is a general Observation behind your back, however -complaisant People may be to your Face, that Envy is your predominant -Passion and directs in all you say or do. "As ill natured and as -Envious as Canker" is a common Simile among your Friends; and may in -time grow into a Proverb, Sir, unless you change your Conduct. - -_Cank._ Madam, when the Ignorant presume to judge of the finer Arts---- - -_Har._ Sir, your Satire is ill Nature--and your Judgment Envy. -Therefore if you have any hopes of me, you must reverse your Temper -and come into the following Treaty: In the first place instead of -making it the Business of your Life to wound the Reputation of your -Scribblers on all Occasions and explode their Plays, you must -endeavour to support them; what if you think their Productions bad, -good or bad, you must approve.--Item, I insist that you look upon me -as your Minerva, and that for the future you never presume to -Scribble, Applaud, or Condemn without first consulting me. - -_Cank._ Madam, I have a better Opinion of your Understanding than to -think you mean all this seriously. - -_Har._ Upon my Honour, then you are mistaken; I shall not marry any -Man who dares refuse to comply with these Articles--So, Sir, if you -think well of them, I desire you will give me an Instance of your -Obedience and Sincerity by going with me to the new Comedy tomorrow -Night, and publickly expressing the highest Applause at it. - -_Cank._ Madam, you may with as much Justice ask me to reverse my -Affections, to love what I loath, and detest what I admire. No Madam, -Posterity shall never say such a wretched Performance as the -Suspicious Husband had the _sanction of Francis Canker_. - -_Har._ Then, Sir, your humble Servant--I am glad I know your Mind. Our -Treaty ends here. (_Going, he holds her_) - -_Cank._ Dear Harriet, stay! Why will you urge me to a Behaviour so -contrary to my Nature? Consider, Madam, how ridiculous it will make me -appear to the World. Why People will think me mad. - -_Har._ You are mistaken, Sir; they will only think that your good -Nature has at last got the better of your Envy. - -_Cank._ Well but Madam---- - -_Har._ Well but Sir, I insist that you clap and laugh, nay and that -you cry too. - -_Cank._ Cry, Madam? - -_Har._ Ay, cry, Sir--as soon as you see Mr. Strictland acknowledge his -Error and sue to be reconciled to his Wife; if you have one humane -particle in your Composition, I insist upon your Sympathizing with his -conscious Heart by dropping a manly Tear along with him. - -_Cank._ Madam, I can't come into all you command but what I can I -will. When other People laugh, I'll cry, and when they cry, I'll -laugh. Will that content you? - -_Har._ O mighty well, Sir! Mighty well! I see you turn my Proposals -into ridicule. (_Exit Harriet_) - -_Cank._ What shall I do? Was ever Man laid under such a Restraint by a -_trifling_ Woman! The Bawble and Gewgaw of the Creation! Made for -Man's Conveniency, his Slave not his Tyrant! To part with my right of -Censuring, my Judgment, my Understanding! S'Death, I would as soon -part with my---- - - (_Enter a_ SERVANT) - -_Serv._ Zir, here's Master Grubwit come to zeek you. - -_Cank._ Desire him to walk in. - - (_Enter_ GRUBWIT) - -_Cank._ Dear Grubwit, how came you to stay so long? You need not tell -me of the Success! I have been sufficiently mortified with it already! -Where is Plagiary? - -_Grub._ Talking with my Lady Critick and the rest of the Company. - -_Cank._ Did you call in at the Coffee House? - -_Grub._ Yes, or we should have been with you sooner. - -_Cank._ Well, and what's the Opinion there? - -_Grub._ Um--why faith, I am sorry to say it--but it is--generally -liked; there is Trifle and a few more of his Size of Understanding in -Rapture about it; he avers Antiquity never produced so correct nor so -entertaining a Piece, and in his extravagant Manner, returns Jupiter -thanks for his having lived in a time when such a Comedy was written. - -_Cank._ Blockheads! Fools! Idiots! what signifies Taste or Learning if -such Wretches are suffered to have Sway in the Commonwealth of Letters! - - (_Enter_ PLAGIARY) - -_Plag._ A blundering Blockhead! He pretend to give his Judgment upon -Writing! - -_Cank._ What's the matter, Plagiary? - -_Plag._ Why there's that staring Irish Baronet blundering out such -fulsome Praise upon the New Play as is enough to make a sensible Man -sick--I did but offer an Objection or two and my Lady Critick and the -whole Knot opened upon me like a Pack of Hounds--I was forced to quit -the Room. - -_Cank._ I am amazed at my Lady Critick's liking it but I will soon -convince her of her Error. But dear Plagiary, was there no -Opportunity, nor no Attempt to hinder its Success? - -_Plag._ _Not after it begun; before indeed, there was as promising a -Spirit in the Pit as ever made an Author's Heart ache. They whistled, -hollowed and catcalled and interrupted the Prologue for above ten -Minutes._ - -_Cank._ Ay! That looked charming! - -_Plag._ O delightful!--I would not have given Sixpence to have secured -its Destruction--everybody around me concluded it a gone Play. - -_Grub._ And so the[y] did about me I assure you. - -_Plag._ If they had been possessed with the Spirit of Zoilus, they -could not have behaved better before the Prologue was spoke; but the -Instant the Curtain was drawn up, their Clamour changed to a fixed -Attention, and their Prejudice to burst of Applause which made the -Ring. - -_Cank._ What, no hissing at all? - -_Plag._ No, Sir! - -_Cank._ Nor Catcalling? - -_Plag._ None. - -_Cank._ Nor groaning? - -_Plag._ Not one, Sir. - -_Cank._ Well if such Plays go down---- - -_Plag._ I pulled out my Handkerchief and blowed--and coughed--and -hawked--and spit, a hundred times I believe, (_Makes a noise by -blowing in his Handkerchief_) but was constantly interrupted with -"Silence--pray, Sir, be silent--let us hear." - -_Grub._ I heard you from the other side of the Pit and did the same -but was interrupted too by the Fools about me. - -_Cank._ To see the partiality of Audiences--Idiots--damn 'em, they -never would attend to a Play of mine. - -_Grub._ Nor mine. - -_Plag._ No nor mine. - -_Cank._ They always begun with me in the first Act by calling for the -Epilogue. Dear Plagiary, do you think this thing will run? - -_Plag._ I am afraid so. - -_Cank._ _Why then your Tragedy cannot come out this year_---- - -_Plag._ No Sir, nor your Comedy. - -_Grub._ Nor my Mask. - -_Cank._ Isn't it monstrous that the Publick must be deprived of such -an excellent performance as your Mask is, which is preferable to -anything Milton ever wrote for such a wretched _flimsy piece of -Stuff_? - -_Grub._ Upon my word, Sir, I think the Publick is much worse used in -respect of your Comedy, which has the Art and Character of Johnson, -the Ease and Elegance of Etheridge, the Wit of Congreve, and the happy -ridiculum of Moliere; and is indisputably the best that has been -written in our Language. - -_Plag._ Was there ever such Injustice shewn in a Theatre as the -setting aside my Tragedy _which has the Approbation of all the Judges -in England_? - -_Cank._ It is severe Treatment no Doubt on't for your Piece stands in -the first Class of Tragedy; it is written according to the strictest -French Rules, and for the true Sublime as far beyond Shakespear as -Banks is beneath him. But what signifies the Excellence of a Piece? -Neither your Tragedy, my Comedy, nor your Mask can come on. The Stage -is quite monopolized for this Year if this Thing, I can't call it a -Play, is suffered to run. - -_Plag._ Ay, and what is worse, if some means is not found out to check -it, ten to one but we shall be plagued with another next year. - -_Grub._ Well, what's to be done? - -_Cank._ Why Gentlemen, it is a Common Cause, and requires an active -Opposition. We must try fairly to hunt it down by Journals, Epigrams -and Pamphlets;--you must attack the Characters,--you the Sentiments -and Dialogue, while I expose the Moral and the Fable. - -_Plag._ With all my Heart. - -_Grub._ Agreed. And now let us join the Company and try if we can't -bring them over to our Party; for tho' the most of them are Idiots, -yet they will serve to fill up the Cry, which you know is the present -Test of Right and Wrong. (_Exit_) - -_Plag._ Pray did you ever read his Mask? - -_Cank._ I attempted to read it several times but could never get -through it. - -_Plag._ It is the vilest Thing sure that ever dullness produced. -And yet the Fools are as fond of it as if Apollo and the Nine -had approved it. Amazing that Men can be so blind to their own -Foibles. (_Exit_) - -_Cank._ I am sure if you were not as great a Stranger to your own -Dullness as you are to Apollo and the Nine, as you quaintly call -them, you would never think of writing a Tragedy. But most Writers -are such vain, envious Coxcombs, and busy themselves so continually -in the pleasing Search of other People's Faults, that they never -have time to look into their own. For this Blockhead now, who has -no more Imagination than a Dutch Burgomaster, because he can common -place Corneille and Racine, sets up for the Euripides of the Age, -and has the Vanity to prefer his sleepy, lumpish Tragedy to my Comedy -which has that Viscomica, that fine Ridiculum of Human Nature which -Caesar so lauded in the Greek and so regretted the Want of in the -Roman Poet. (_Exit_) - - (_Enter_ HARRIET _and_ HEARTLY) - -_Har._ O I have teazed the Wretch 'till his Envy shook him like the -Ague fit. - -_Heart._ And I have praised the Play and flattered my Lady's Judgment -to such a Degree of Pride and Obstinancy as will never bear -Contradiction again. No successful Poet after his Ninth Night was ever -so brimfull of Vanity as I have made her Ladyship. She run[s] over -with folly. - -_Har._ Let me tell you, Sir, Trifle makes a pretty ridiculous Figure -upon this Occasion. - -_Heart._ And indeed upon any Occasion; he never departs from his -Character. I left him, and that other Coxcomb Nibble, in the most -ridiculous dispute about the Rules of Criticism, and what was high, -and what was low Comedy, and what was Farce, that ever was heard. Sir -Patrick, he got into the Squabble with them, and did so contradict -himself and them, and did so flounder and blunder that they had all -gone to Loggerheads if my Lady hadn't stepped in and pre-emptorily -decided the point. - -_Har._ O delightful! I should have liked that of all things. See here -the Knight comes; let us play him off a little. - -_Heart._ With all my Heart. - - (_Enter Sir_ PATRICK) - -_Heart._ Sir Patrick, your humble Servant, have you settled the -Argument between Nibble and Trifle at last? - -_Sir Pat._ Yes, yes, I settled it as dead as a Door Nail betwixt them. - -_Heart._ Which way, Sir? - -_Sir Pat._ Why I told them they were both wrong and knew nothing at -all of the Matter, but they did not believe me so they went to it -again, and there I left them.--(_Seeing Harriet, addresses her_) -Madam, I am your most obedient Slave and humble Servant! 'Till death -do us part. - -_Har._ O Sir Patrick, you are superlatively obliging. (_Curtzying very -low_) I am afraid, Sir Patrick, that is more than my short -Acquaintance with you can merit. - -_Sir Pat._ O Madam, you merit more than human Nature can bestow upon -you. You are all perfection, beautiful as Venus, and as wise as -Medusa. - -_Both._ Ha, ha, ha. - -_Heart._ Medusa! Ha, ha, ha, Minerva I believe you mean. - -_Sir Pat._ Faith I believe so too; but one may easily mistake; you -know they are so very much alike, especially as they are both Heathen -Gods too. - -_Both._ Ha, ha, ha. - -_Heart._ Very true, Sir. - -_Sir Pat._ Upon my Honour, Madam, I have travelled over several of the -Terrestial Globes both by Land and Sea and I never saw so fair a -Creature as your Ladyship, but one, and she was an Indian Queen and -black as a Raven. - -_Har._ Pray Sir, in all your Travels were you never in Ireland? - -_Sir Pat._ I was in Paris, Madam; I lived there all my Life. Parlez -vous Francois? - -_Har._ Sir, I don't understand your speaking French very well. - -_Sir Pat._ Oui, Madamoiselle, je le parle Francois, but I cannot speak -a word of Irish tho' I was often taken for an Irish Gentleman when I -was abroad--because you must know I used to converse very much with -them. - -_Har._ And pray, Sir, in all your Travels through the Terrestial -Globes by Land and Sea, are you sure you never were in Ireland? - -_Sir Pat._ No, Madam, I can't say positively--Stay--let me remember if -I can--Ireland--Ireland--tho' to tell you the Truth, Madam, _I have a -very bad Memorandum_. - -_Both._ Ha, ha, ha. - -_Sir Pat._ Faith, Madam, I can't find by my Brain that ever I was so -happy as to visit that Kingdom. - -_Har._ I wonder at that, Sir, for all Gentlemen of Taste visit Ireland -in their Travels. It's famous for not having venemous Creatures in it, -I think. - -_Sir Pat._ Not one, Madam, from the beginning of the World to the -Creation. For I remember there was a Toad brought over there once, and -as soon as ever he died. Madam, upon my Honour, they could not bring -it to Life again. - -_Har._ No! That was very surprizing, ha, ha. - -_Sir Pat._ Upon my Word and Honour, Madam, 'tis as true as the Alcorn, -for I stood there with these two Eyes and saw it. - -_Har._ Then I find you have been in Ireland, Sir? - -_Sir Pat._ In Ireland, Madam. (_Aside_--What the Devil have I said. -Now I am afraid I have committed a Blunder here.) Yes, Madam, now I -remember I was there once about two or three Months ago--I went over -with a Lady for my Diversion--She went there to travel so I went to -shew her the Country because we were both Strangers in it. But really, -Madam, it was so long ago that I quite forgot it, and as I told you -before, Madam, I have a very treacherous Heart at remembering Things -when once I forgot them. - -_Har._ You are to be excused, Sir, for to be sure a Gentleman that has -travelled so much as you have done must have a very treacherous Heart -at remembering things. For it is common Observation that Travellers -always have bad Memories. - -_Sir Pat._ O the worst in the World, Madam, for they go into so many -Inns and Taverns upon the Road, and into so many Towns and Villages -and Steeples and Churches, that it is impossible to Memorandum all the -Kingdoms a Man travels through. - -_Heart._ Ha, ha, ha. Pray Sir, in your Travels in Ireland, if your -heart will let you recollect it, what sort of usage did you meet with? - -_Sir Pat._ O the best behaved usage that ever I met with in all the -born days of my Life, Sir--I'll tell you what, Madam, now if you were -a strange Gentleman and travelling there and happened to come within a -Mile of a Gentleman's House when you were benighted so that you could -not find your way to it, upon my Honour you might lie there all Night -and not cost you a halfpenny, tho' you had never a farthing of Money -in your Pocket. - -_Both._ Ha, ha, ha. - -_Heart._ That is very hospitable, I must confess, to let one lie -within a Mile of their House. - -_Sir Pat._ Lord, Madam, there are not so hospitable and good natured -People in the World. - -_Heart._ I think, Sir, the Irish are reckoned very great Scholars. - -_Sir Pat._ O dear, Madam, yes indeed, very great Scholars. They play -Back Gammon the best of any Men in the World, _better than all the -Bishops in England_. - -_Har._ Then you have several good Poets in Ireland. - -_Sir Pat._ Yes to be sure, Sir, there is hardly a Gentleman there but -knows every one of the Ninety Nine Muses, and can speak all the -Mechanical Sciences by Heart, and most of the liberal Languages except -Irish and Welch. - -_Har._ And how happens it that they don't speak their own Language? - -_Sir Pat._ Because, Madam, they are ashamed of it; it has such a -rumbling Sound with it. Now when I was upon my Travels I liked the -Language so well that I learned it. Madam, if it won't be over and -above encumbersome to your sweet Ladyship, I will sing you an Irish -Song I learnt there--it was made upon a beautiful young Creature that -I was in Love wi[th] there, one Mrs. Gilgifferaghing. - -_Har._ Not at all encumbersome; I dare swear it will be very -entertaining. - -_Sir Pat._ Hem, hem, hem. (_Sings an Irish Song_) - -_Har._ I protest, Sir, you have a great deal of very diverting Humour; -and upon my Word you sing extremely well. For my part, I think Irish -singing is as diverting as Italian. - -_Sir Pat._ O Madam, that is more my Deserts than your Goodness to say -so. - -_Both._ Ha, ha, ha. - -_Har._ I am surprized the Directors of the Opera do not send over to -Ireland for a Set of Irish Singers. - -_Sir Pat._ O no, Madam, it would never do; the Irishmen would never -make good Singers. - -_Har._ Why so, Sir? - -_Sir Pat._ Lord, Madam, as soon as ever they would come to England, -the English Ladies would be so very fond of them that it would spoil -their Voices--besides, Madam, they are not so well qualified for it as -the Italians. - -_Har._ We are generally speaking very fond of the Irish Gentlemen to -be sure, but there is no avoiding it,--they have so much Wit and -Assurance and are such agreeable handsome Fellows. - -_Sir Pat._ O Lord, Madam, we Gentlemen of Ireland look upon ourselves -to be the handsomest men in England. - -_Heart._ Then you are an Irish Man, Sir? - -_Sir Pat._ An Irish Man,--poh, what the Devil shall I say now? -(_Aside_) No my Life, I am no Irishman at all, not I upon my -Honour--but my Mother was one--and so I call that my Country sometimes -out of a Joke--that's all--I an Irishman--no, no--no, I'faith you may -know by my Tongue that I am no Irishman. - -_Har._ O then it is your Mother that was an Irishman? - -_Sir Pat._ Yes, Madam, she was born and bred in Ireland all the Days -of her Life, but she was educated in England. - -_Heart._ Ha, ha, ha, this is more than one in Reason could have -expected. This Fellow is more diverting and more blundering than his -Countryman in the Committee. [_Aside_] - -_Har._ See, here come Mr. Nibble and Mr. Trifle in warm debate; -prithee let us leave them to themselves and go see how my Lady and -Canker have agreed in their Judgments about this New Play. - -_Sir Pat._ With all my Heart, Madam; for really I am tired with these -two Gentlemen before they come near us, they are so very -silly--(_Pushing between Harriet and Heartly_) I beg Pardon, Mr. -Heartly, but I must do the Lady the Honour to give her the Acceptation -of my Hand. I hope you will excuse my bashfullness, Madam, that I did -not do it sooner. - -_Har._ Sir Patrick, you are the most courteous well bred Knight that -ever broke Spear in a Lady's Defence. - -_Sir Pat._ Faith I am of your Opinion in that, Madam, for I think I am -a clever loose Fellow. (_Exeunt_) - - (_Enter_ NIBBLE _and_ TRIFLE) - -_Trif._ Dear Nibble, don't let you and I quarrel which we certainly -must if you persist in crying down so admired a Piece. For Dullness -seize me if I don't defend it to the last Extremity of critical -Obstinancy. - -_Nib._ Dear Tim: don't call it critical, but fashionable Obstinancy, -for you know very well that Judgment and you are old Antagonists. - -_Trif._ Ha, ha, ha, give me your Hand for that, Nibble; faith that was -not said amiss--But as I have some regard for you, don't persist in -shewing your weakness lest you oblige me to draw my parts upon you, -and if I do, expect no Quarter; by all that's witty, I'll pink the -Midriff of your Ignorance as a friendly cure to your sickly -Understanding. - -_Nib._ Tim Trifle, I defy your Parts; they are as blunt and as dull as -a Welch Pedant's. I do and shall persist in, asserting to the last -Extremity of my critical Judgment that the Piece has glaring -Faults--monstrous. - -_Trif._ What Faults? What Faults? Prithee name one! - -_Nib._ Why in the first place I insist upon it, and I will prove it up -to mathematical Demonstration, that the Title of it is quite expotic. - -_Trif._ Expotic? - -_Nib._ Ay, immensely expotic! so expotic that the Play ought to have -been hissed for it. The Suspicious Husband! Is not that an egregious -Error? I am sure every Person who has the least Taste of the Drama -must allow it to be an unpardonable Fault--quite a -Misnomer--absolutely expotic. - -_Trif._ Now by Aristotle's Beard, I think there could not have been so -happy a Title found out of the Alphabet. - -_Nib._ Nay prithee now, Tim[7] Trifle, what do you understand by the -word Suspicion? - -_Trif._ Dear Nick, every Mortal knows what Suspicion means; Suspicion -comes from Suspicio, that is when any Person suspects another. - -_Nib._ Well I won't dispute your Definition but upon my Honour I think -it should have been the Jealous Husband. - -_Trif._ He, he, lud, Nibble, that would have been the most absurd -Title in the Creation. Well Nick, have you anything else in the Play -to find fault with? - -_Nib._ Yes, I think Ranger's Dress is another egregious Fault in it. - -_Trif._ His Dress a Fault in the Play? - -_Nib._ Ay, and intolerable one. - -_Trif._ Nay don't say that, Nick--because if you do I must laugh at -you. Why all the World admires his Dress. _That is thought one of the -best things in the Play._ - -_Nib._ Well now I will mention a Criticism which I defy the warmest of -Words to defend. - -_Trif._ Well, prithee what's that, Nibble? - -_Nib._ Why you know Ranger's hat is laced; that I think you must -allow; that is obvious to everybody. - -_Trif._ Well, well, granted, my dear Nibble, it is laced. - -_Nib._ Why then I aver by all the Rules of Criticism to make the -improbability out of imposing upon Mr. Strickland, that Jacyntha's Hat -ought to be laced too, and by all that is absurd it is a plain one. - -_Trif._ Well come, there is something in that; that is a Fault I must -confess, that is a Fault by gad. - -_Nib._ O an unpardonable one; I assure you Jack Wagwit and a parcel of -us was going to hiss the whole Scene upon that Account. - -_Trif._ No, no, that would have been cruel; you know Homer himself -sometimes nodded. Don't take any Notice of it to anybody, and it shall -be altered tomorrow Night. I'll speak to the Author about it--O here's -my Lady and Mr. Canker--now for a thorough Criticism upon it. - - (_Enter Lady_ CRITICK, CANKER, HEARTLY, HARRIET _and - Sir_ PATRICK) - -_Lady._ Well, I protest Mr. Canker, I am surprized at your Judgment. -You will certainly be laughed at by all the Polite part of the World. - -_Cank._ Madam, I hold the Vulgar in as much Contempt as I do the -Rabble in the Shilling Gallery; both Herds are ignorant, and praise -and condemn, or censure or applau[d], not from a Judgment in the Art, -which should be the Director, but from the ignorant Dictates of -Nature: mere Affection, like Moliere's old Woman. - -_Heart._ Well, for my Part, I shall always prefer the irregular Genius -who from mere Affection compels me to laugh or cry, to the regular -Blockhead who makes me sleep according to Rule. - -_Cank._ Have a Care, Mr. Heartly, none but the Ignorant ever despised -Rules. - -_Heart._ Nor none but the ill natured or the envious ever judged by -the Extremity of Rules. And the laws of Criticism like the Penal Laws -should be explained in a favourable Sense lest the Critick like the -Judge should be suspected of Cruelty or Malice against the Criminal. - -_Sir Pat._ Upon my Honour, Sir, I think you talk mighty reasonably. I -think there should be no Law [at] all, and then everybody might do -what they please. - -_Trif._ Right, right, Sir Patrick! Liberty and Property, I say--demme -I am not for Criticks--your Homers and your Virgils--and your Coke -upon Littleton, and a parcel of Fellows--who talk of Nothing but Gods -and Goddesses--and a Story of a Cock and a Bull--as hard to be -understood as a Welch Pedigree. - -_Sir Pat._ Upon my Honour, so they are very hard! And that Milton's a -strange Fellow too--_he has got a devilish sight of Devils along with -him that nobody knows any thing of but himself_--the Devil a one of -'em all I know but one--and that was old Belzebub--you know we have -often heard of him, for he was Lucifer's Wife. - -_Trif._ For my Part I assure you I never could understand Milton. - -_Sir Pat._ Nor I, upon my Honour, Mr. Trifle--tho' I admire him -greatly, him and Shakespear are my Favourites, but I could never -understand them. - -_Trif._ O Shakespear--old Shakespear--O Shakespear is a clever Fellow, -ay, ay,--I admire Shakespear to the Skies--I understand him very well, -Sir Patrick. - -_Lady._ Mr. Canker, finding fault in general is unfair. - -_Cank._ Madam, if you will hear me, I will come to particulars and if -I don't convince you, and all the Company that it is void of Plot, -Character, Wit, Humour, Manners, and Moral, I will ever after submit -to be thought as ignorant as I now think those Criticks are who so -much admire it. - -_Nib._ As to his want of Manners, that I think is as obvious as -Mathematical Demonstration--was there ever anything so rude as to -bring the Character of our Friend Jack Maggot on the Stage, who is a -young Fellow of Family and Fortune, and as well known about Town as I -am, and is as good natured and as inoffensive a Creature as ever -travelled. I vow as soon as ever I saw him come upon the Stage, I was -shocked.--It was vastly unpolite to introduce a young Fellow of his -Figure in Life upon a publick Theatre--I suppose he will bring some of -our Characters on the Stage in his next Play--if he does I protest -I'll make a party to hiss it. - -_Lady._ You may be mistaken, Mr. Nibble, i[t] may be a general and not -a particular Character that is meant by Mr. Maggot. - -_Cank._ Madam, Mr. Nibble's Observation is just, and it is impossible -he can be mistaken. For my part, I know Jack Maggot as well as I do -myself, or as I do who is meant by Mr. Strictland. - -_Heart._ Mr. Canker, this is most invidious Criticism and what the -best Writers from Fools and Knaves are most liable to. But instead of -injuring, it serves an Author with the Judicious; for it only proves -the Copies to be so highly finished that Ignorance and Malice -compliment them as known Originals. - -_Lady._ I protest, Mr. Heartly, I think you quite right in your -Answer, and if Mr. Canker has nothing more Material to offer against -the Play, he will be very Singular in his Censure. - -_Cank._ Pray what does your Ladyship think of his Ladder of Ropes? - -_Lady._ Why lookee, Mr. Canker, he may have transgressed probability -by it, I grant you--but I will forgive an Author such Transgressions -at any time when it is productive of so much Mirth. - -_Heart._ Judiciously observed, my Lady. - -_Trif._ Well, by gad, I like the Ladder of Ropes of all things. - -_Sir Pat._ Upon my Honour so do I. - -_Nib._ Well, I vow I think they are vastly absurd. Pray what do you -think, Miss Harriet? - -_Har._ I think it is a very simple and a very probable Machine, and -productive of many happy Incidents, every one of which naturall[y] -arise[s] out of each other, and have this peculiar Beauty, which other -Incidents upon the Stage have not, that each of them begins with a -Surprize that raises your Anxiety and ends with a turn the least -unexpected, which could you have foreseen, would have been what you -would have wished. - -_Lady._ Very nicely distinguished, Harriet; I protest that is the -greatest Encomium I have heard of the Play yet. - -_Heart._ And the justest, Madam. - -_Cank._ O intolerable! Monstrous! Shocking! Such Ignorance! (_Aside_) -Pray Madam, not to mention the improbability, where was the Necessity -for a Ladder of Ropes? - -_Sir Pat._ What Necessity? Arra why do you ask such a foolish -Question? I'll tell you what Necessity--Why it was put there for the -young Man, the Templer, to go up Stairs into the House. - -_Omnes._ Ha, ha, ha, ha! - -_Heart._ Very well explained, Sir Patrick; it is a proper Answer. - -_Cank._ But pray, Ladies--I speak to you in particular, who best know -the Nature of the Question I am going to ask--how can you justify the -impoliteness of making Clarinda, a Lady of Fashion and Fortune, in -full dress trudge the streets at twelve o'Clock at Night in -Contradiction to all Reason, Probability, and Politeness? - -_Sir Pat._ Poo, poo! That's foolish now. Why what has a Stage Play to -do with Reason and Probability? If a Tragedy makes you laugh and a -Comedy makes you cry, as Mr. Heartly said just now, what would you -have more? - -_Omnes._ Ha, ha, ha. - -_Sir Pat._ And as to the young Lady's going home a Foot, that is -easily answered. You are to suppose it was a rainy Night and that she -walked home to save Chair hire, because there was never a Coach to be -had. - -_Omnes._ Ha, ha, ha. - -_Sir Pat._ I am sure it is very natural to walk. I have done so a -hundred times. - -_Omnes._ Ha, ha, ha. - -_Trif._ My dear Sir Patrick, give me your Hand! Thou art the top -Critick of the Age, let me perish. - -_Nib._ Ignorant Wretches! - -_Cank._ Was ever Man so tortured with such Fools! (_Aside_)--I hope, -Mr. Heartly, you will not offer to vindicate the Dialogue. There is -not one Attempt to Wit all through the Play, but that about the -Gravestone; the Characters all speak like People in common -Conversation. - -_Heart._ I thought that was a Beauty, Mr. Canker. - -_Cank._ Yes just as barrenness is in Land. Don't you see, Sir, what -Whicherly and Congreve have done in their Comedies? - -_Heart._ Yes Sir, and I know what their Masters, Terence, Plautus, -Moliere, and our own Johnson have done, who thought themselves most -excellent in their Dialogue when they could make their Characters -speak, not what was most witty, but what was most proper to Time, -Place, Character, and Circumstance. - -_Lady._ Upon my Word, Mr. Heartly, you are a very accurate Critick, -and I am entirely of your Judgment. - -_Cank._ Well, but allowing it all [it] deserves, why must it be -praised so very much? - -_Heart._ Because, Sir, Praise is the food, and too often the only -Reward of Merit; and none deny it but the ill natured and the envious. - -_Cank._ And none give it but the Ignorant or the Fulsome. - -_Heart._ Sir, that is not very Complaisant--pray Sir, who do you mean -by the Ignorant? - -_Trif._ Ay, Sir, who is't you mean? - -_Sir Pat._ Ay, Sir, who do you mean? I hope you don't mean me. - -_Cank._ You, and all of you who like this Piece--You are Men, Fops in -Understanding, catch your Judgments from each other as you do your -Dress, not because they are right, but that they are the Fashion, _and -you make as ridiculous a Figure in Criticism as an Ape in human -Cloathing_. - -_Lady._ Give me leave to tell you, Mr. Canker, that you want -Politeness. - -_Cank._ Madam, I am sorry your Ladyship obliges me to tell you that -you want Judgment. - -_Lady._ Not to see into you, Sir--Your Envy shall never be rude or -troublesome to any of my Family again, I assure you, Sir. - -_Cank._ Nor shall your Ignorance or your Niece's ever be troublesome -to me again; I would as soon Match into a Family of Hottentots. - -_Lady._ O mighty well, Sir!--Harriet, I desire you will never think of -Mr. Canker more. - -_Har._ I shall obey your Commands, Madam. - -_Lady._ Want Judgment! A Family of Hottentots! - -_Sir Pat._ Upon my Honour that was unpolite--and you might as well say -I want Judgment. - -_Trif._ Ay, by Gad, or I. - -_Cank._ You are those kind of Judges who are brought into the Channel -of Criticism by the Springtide of Fashion, part of the Rubbish which -helps to swell it above the Mark of Truth, and with its Ebb, return as -precipitately as you came in, and are never heard of more. - -_Trif._ Dullness seize me! If I understand what you mean by your -Springtide, your Fashion, and your Rubbish--I insist upon the Play, -[it] is a good Play--quite tip top, the best Play in life, split me! - -_Sir Pat._ Faith, so it is, Mr. Trifle, a very good Play, for the -Author told me so himself--and you know it must be good when I had it -from his own Mouth. - -_Lady._ Did you ever see the Author, Sir Patrick? - -_Sir Pat._ No, Madam, but I had it at second hand, from a third -Parson, and that's the same thing, you know. - -_Omnes._ Ha! ha! ha! - - (_Enter a_ FOOTMAN) - -_Foot._ Mr. Advocate the Lawyer is come; he bid me inform your -Ladyship that the Writings are ready. - -_Lady._ Very well. (_Exit Footman_) We shall [have] no Occasion for -them tonight nor never in regard to Mr. Canker. - -_Heart._ I protest, Madam, this Hour's Conversation and its -Circumstances, tolerably handled, would make, a la mode a Francaise, -an agreeable Petit Piece. - -_Lady._ Not a bad thought, I vow, Mr. Heartly. - -_Heart._ Shall I recommend it to your Ladyship? I know your Talents -for the Drama, and I'll answer for its Success. - -_Trif._ And so will I by Jupiter; my Lady, we'll make a party on -purpose to support it. - -_Sir Pat._ And so will I by all the Gods in Virgil's Iliad! O I'll -come alone with a hundred Catcalls of my Acquaintance to support it. - -_Heart._ Shall we prevail on your Ladyship? - -_Lady._ Upon my Honour, I don't dislike the Whim, if you will promise -your Assistance, Mr. Heartly. - -_Heart._ Your Ladyship does me Honour; you may command me and Mr. -Canker shall be the Hero. - -_Lady._ Really I am afraid his Character is so very high that the -Audience will never allow it to be natural. - -_Heart._ That part of the Audience who would know the Copy by -themselves might condemn it through Policy as being exaggerated, but -the Candid and Judicious who could not be hurt by it and who know the -Nature of Envy would approve it. Besides Farce will admit of -Characters being a little outre. - -_Lady._ I protest you are a mighty good Critick, Mr. Heartly, but I am -afraid we shall want Plot in our Petit Piece, Mr. Heartly. - -_Heart._ Not at all, my Lady! There is no great Demand for Plot in a -Farce, but to please the Criticks we'll have a little. The main -Business must be the exposing an envious Author, and the Plot must be -to provoke his Envy to neglect his Mistress and to quarrel with your -Ladyship, the Poetical Justice of which must be your breaking off the -intended Match, and giving me his Mistress, who am to be his Rival; -and as the Piece is to be a temporary thing, I dare say the Audience -will make reasonable Allowances. - -_Lady._ I vow I like the Contrivance mightily, and I think there's -something very Singular and very Novel. - -_Trif._ And pray, Heartly, what part shall I have in it? - -_Heart._ You shall be the Jack Maggot of the Farce, which shall be so -trifling that you may be either kept in or left out. - -_Sir Pat._ And what part shall I have in your Play, Mr. Heartly? - -_Heart._ Really, Sir Patrick, I know no Business you can have in it, -unless it be to make the Audience laugh. - -_Sir Pat._ Faith then I have a good Hand at that--for I am so very -witty that I always make Company laugh wherever I come. - -_Nib._ Mr. Heartly, give me leave to tell you your Farce will never -succeed, for your Characters will be too high for that Species of the -Drama, and not half ridiculous enough. - -_Heart._ To remedy that, Sir, we will bring in your Character at the -End of the Farce as a Satyr upon all Criticks who find fault with -Trifles. - -_Trif._ Ha, ha, admirable! That will be delightful! Quite tip top or -may I perish, ha. - -_Lady._ Pray what shall we call our little Piece, Mr. Heartly? - -_Heart._ Why really, Madam, I can't think of any Title better at -present than the New Play Criticized, or the Plague of Envy. - - (_Enter_ FOOTMAN) - -_Foot._ Sir Charles Stanza and another Gentleman are come to wait on -your Ladyship. - -_Lady._ Come Gentlemen, let us go and tell Sir Charles and the Author -of our Design; so if you please, Mr. Canker, you may go along with us -and be by at the Planning of our little Piece--No, I know his Envy -won't suffer him to hear us compliment the Author. That would be out -of Character, so we will leave him to consider of an Epilogue for our -Farce. - - - Rough Draft of an EPILOGUE - - (_Enter a_ POET _shabbily dressed_) - - Hissed, catcalled, and exploded to a man - By those who cannot write, and those who can, - How shall a recreant bard in nature's spight - Save one poor piece, and live a second night? - What--shall he try the arts of low grimace, - Rant like old Bayes, and with a begging face - Implore the patient monarchs of the Pit - To let dull farce pass off for sterling Wit? - No faith--his brother critics most he fears, - And wisely waves the privilege of Peers-- - Nor disapproves he less the threadbare plea - Of wit in rags, and learned Poverty-- - If, like a son of those bright nymphs, the Nine - He e'er pr[o]fer a prayer at Phoebus' shrine, - Ask him to dart one genial beam on Earth - To hatch the Nothing of his Brain to birth, - That prayer or never comes, or comes too late; - The Nine still hold him illegitimate.-- - In this Distress where next his application? - Where, but to thee thou darling Goddess, Fashion! - Fashion, the reigning Genius of today - Whose verdict speaks the fate of each new play, - Whose _mandate_ gives the power to save or kill, - Lends Amoret her eyes and Ward his pill; - If Fashion, mighty arbiter of merit, - Allows it, right or wrong, some wit and spirit, - Then shall this farce like other farces too - Run eighteen nights or more and still be new; - Each different night, a different audience meet, - And Hawkers cry it up in evr'y Street. - -NB. This will damn the piece![8] - - - - -NOTES TO THE PLAYS - - - 1. Larpent ms 58 is dated April, 1746, in another hand and bears the -following note to the Licenser: "April 15th, 1746. Sir, I have given -Mrs. Macklin leave to act this farce for her Benefit provided it meets -with the Approbation of my Lord Chamberlain. Your humble Servant. J. -Lacy." - - 2. Smart is addressed as Dick in this speech in the ms. Three -speeches later Rattle is addressed as Jack. Elsewhere in the ms. it -is Jack Smart and Dick Rattle. - - 3. The following line, "You may feel it if you please." is crossed -out in the ms. - - 4. The following phrase, "and most liable to be hurt" is crossed out -in the ms. - - 5. Larpent ms 64 is dated "March 17th, 1746/7" and bears the -following note to the Licenser: "Sir--I have given Mr. Macklin leave -to perform this Piece at His Benefit at my Theatre, provided it meets -with the Approbation of my Lord Chamberlain, from your most obedient -Humble Servant, J. Lacy." - - 6. A "Prologue to the Plague of Envy" addressed in another hand to -"Mr. Macklin in Bow Street, Covent Garden," is included with Larpent -ms. 64. The Prologue is preceded by the following note: "The following -is taken from the Title of the Farce; the Writer for the Subject on -the Stage; and hopes his Ignorance of the Manner in which you treat -it, will excuse any Want of Approbation that may be in it." - - 7. Spelled _Tom_ in the ms. Elsewhere Trifle is addressed as _Tim_ -Trifle. - - 8. The Epilogue, in a different hand than that of the play's scribe, -appears similar to the handwriting of the Prologue. Cf. n.6 - - 9. Larpent ms 96 is dated 1752 and bears the following note to the -Licenser: "Sir, This piece called Covent Garden Theatre or Pasquin -turned Drawcansir Mr. Macklin designs to have performed at his Benefit -Night with the permission of his Grace the Duke of Grafton. I am Sir -your humble Servant, Jno. C. Rich. To William Chetwyne Esq." - -10. This character, spelled "Romp" in the ms, is probably meant to be -the Prompter who does not appear in the Dramatis Personae but speaks -twice offstage in this act. - -11. Although Hic and Haec Scriblerus appear in the Dramatis Personae, -this is his only speech and his entrance on stage is never indicated. - - - - THE AUGUSTAN REPRINT SOCIETY - WILLIAM ANDREWS CLARK MEMORIAL LIBRARY - UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA. LOS ANGELES - - -PUBLICATIONS IN PRINT - - -1948-1949 - - 16. Henry Nevil Payne, _The Fatal Jealousie_ (1673). - - 18. Anonymous, "Of Genius," in _The Occasional Paper_, Vol. III, -No. 10 (1719), and Aaron Hill, _Preface to The Creation_ (1720). - - -1949-1950 - - 19. Susanna Centlivre, _The Busie Body_ (1709). - - 20. Lewis Theobald, _Preface to the Works of Shakespeare_ (1734). - - 22. Samuel Johnson, _The Vanity of Human Wishes_ (1749), and two -_Rambler_ papers (1750). - - 23. John Dryden, _His Majesties Declaration Defended_ (1681). - - -1950-1951 - - 26. Charles Macklin, _The Man of the World_ (1792). - - -1951-1952 - - 31. Thomas Gray, _An Elegy Wrote in a Country Churchyard_ (1751), and -_The Eton College Manuscript_. - - -1952-1953 - - 41. Bernard Mandeville, _A Letter to Dion_ (1732). - - -1962-1963 - - 98. _Select Hymns Taken Out of Mr. Herbert's Temple_ (1697). - - -1963-1964 - -104. Thomas D'Urfey, _Wonders in the Sun; or, The Kingdom of the -Birds_ (1706). - - -1964-1965 - -110. John Tutchin, _Selected Poems_ (1685-1700). - -111. Anonymous, _Political Justice_ (1736). - -112. Robert Dodsley, _An Essay on Fable_ (1764). - -113. T. R., _An Essay Concerning Critical and Curious Learning_ -(1698). - -114. _Two Poems Against Pope_: Leonard Welsted, _One Epistle to Mr. A. -Pope_ (1730), and Anonymous, _The Blatant Beast_ (1742). - - -1965-1966 - -115. Daniel Defoe and others, _Accounts of the Apparition of Mrs. -Veal_. - -116. Charles Macklin, _The Covent Garden Theatre_ (1752). - -117. Sir George L'Estrange, _Citt and Bumpkin_ (1680). - -118. Henry More, _Enthusiasmus Triumphatus_ (1662). - -119. Thomas Traherne, _Meditations on the Six Days of the Creation_ -(1717). - -120. Bernard Mandeville, _Aesop Dress'd or a Collection of Fables_ -(1704). - - -1966-1967 - -122. James MacPherson, _Fragments of Ancient Poetry_ (1760). - -123. Edmond Malone, _Cursory Observations on the Poems Attributed to -Mr. Thomas Rowley_ (1782). - -124. Anonymous, _The Female Wits_ (1704). - -125. Anonymous, _The Scribleriad_ (1742). Lord Hervey, _The Difference -Between Verbal and Practical Virtue_ (1742). - -126. _Le Lutrin: an Heroick Poem, Written Originally in French by -Monsieur Boileau: Made English by N. O._ (1682). - - -Subsequent publications may be checked in the annual prospectus. - -Publications #1 through 90, of the first fifteen years of Augustan -Reprint Society, are available in bound units at $14.00 per unit of -six from: - - KRAUS REPRINT CORPORATION - 16 East 46th Street - New York, N.Y. 10017 - -Publications in print are available at the regular membership rate of -$5.00 yearly. Prices of single issues may be obtained upon request. - - -William Andrews Clark Memorial Library: University of California, Los -Angeles - -THE AUGUSTAN REPRINT SOCIETY - -_General Editors_: George Robert Guffey, University of California, Los -Angeles; Maximillian E. Novak, University of California, Los Angeles; -Robert Vosper, William Andrews Clark Memorial Library. - -_Corresponding Secretary_: Mrs. Edna C. Davis, William Andrews Clark -Memorial Library. - - -The Society's purpose is to publish reprints (usually facsimile -reproductions) of rare seventeenth and eighteenth century works. All -income of the Society is devoted to defraying costs of publication and -mailing. - -Correspondence concerning memberships in the United States and Canada -should be addressed to the William Andrews Clark Memorial Library, -2520 Cimarron St., Los Angeles, California. Correspondence concerning -editorial matters may be addressed to any of the general editors at -the same address. Manuscripts of introductions should conform to the -recommendations of the MLA _Style Sheet_. The membership fee is $5.00 -a year in the United States and Canada and 30/- in Great Britain and -Europe. British and European prospective members should address B. H. -Blackwell, Broad Street, Oxford, England. Copies of back issues in -print may be obtained from the Corresponding Secretary. - - -PUBLICATIONS FOR 1967-1968 - -127-128. Charles Macklin, _A Will and No Will, or a Bone for the -Lawyers_ (1746). _The New Play Criticiz'd, or The Plague of Envy_ -(1747). Introduction by Jean B. Kern. - -129. Lawrence Echard, Prefaces to _Terence's Comedies_ (1694) and -_Plautus's Comedies_ (1694). Introduction by John Barnard. - -130. Henry More, _Democritus Platonissans_ (1646). Introduction -by P. G. Stanwood. - -131. John Evelyn, _The History of ... Sabatai Sevi ... The Suppos'd -Messiah of the Jews_ (1669). Introduction by Christopher W. Grose. - -132. Walter Harte, _An Essay on Satire, Particularly on the Dunciad_ -(1730). Introduction by Thomas B. Gilmore. - - -ANNOUNCEMENTS: - -Next in the series of special publications by the Society will be a -volume including Elkanah Settle's _The Empress of Morocco_ (1673) with -six plates; _Notes and Observations on the Empress of Morocco_ (1674) -by John Dryden, John Crowne and Thomas Shadwell; _Notes and -Observations on the Empress of Morocco Revised_ (1674) by Elkanah -Settle; and _The Empress of Morocco. A Farce_ (1674) by Thomas Duffet, -with an Introduction by Maximillian E. Novak. Already published in -this series are reprints of John Ogilby's _The Fables of Aesop -Paraphras'd in Verse_ (1668), with an Introduction by Earl Miner and -John Gay's _Fables_ (1727, 1738), with an Introduction by Vinton A. -Dearing. Publication is assisted by funds from the Chancellor of the -University of California, Los Angeles. Price to members of the -Society, $2.50 for the first copy and $3.25 for additional copies. -Price to non-members, $4.00. - - - THE AUGUSTAN REPRINT SOCIETY - William Andrews Clark Memorial Library - 2520 CIMARRON STREET AT WEST ADAMS BOULEVARD, LOS ANGELES, - CALIFORNIA 90018 - -Make check or money order payable to THE REGENTS OF THE UNIVERSITY -OF CALIFORNIA. - - - - - - -End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of A Will and No Will or A Bone for the -Lawyers. 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