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diff --git a/40593-8.txt b/40593-8.txt deleted file mode 100644 index ee90e58..0000000 --- a/40593-8.txt +++ /dev/null @@ -1,3705 +0,0 @@ -The Project Gutenberg EBook of School-Room Humour, by Dr. MacNamara - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with -almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or -re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included -with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org/license - - -Title: School-Room Humour - -Author: Dr. MacNamara - -Release Date: August 27, 2012 [EBook #40593] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK SCHOOL-ROOM HUMOUR *** - - - - -Produced by sp1nd, Ernest Schaal, and the Online Distributed -Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This file was -produced from images generously made available by The -Internet Archive) - - - - - - - - - - SCHOOL-ROOM HUMOUR. - - - - - DR. MACNAMARA _desires to thank the Directors of the_ - "SCHOOLMASTER" _for the right to use most of the stories which - follow_. _He desires also to thank his old friends, the teachers - up and down the country, whose anecdotes he is presuming to put - into print._ - - - - - _All rights reserved_ - - - School-Room - Humour - - - BY - DR. MACNAMARA, M.P. - - - THIRD EDITION - - - "_Faith is what makes you believe what you know to be untrue_" - TRUTHFUL JAMES, aged 10 - - - BRISTOL - J. W. ARROWSMITH LTD., QUAY STREET - LONDON - SIMPKIN, MARSHALL, HAMILTON, KENT & COMPANY LIMITED - 1913 - - - - - _First Published_ _1905_ - _Second Edition (enlarged)_ _1907_ - _Third Edition (with picture cover)_ _1913_ - - - - - PREFACE TO THE SECOND EDITION. - - -The original Edition of _School-Room Humour_ published two years ago -gave so much pleasure to so many people that it has occurred to me that -a new and enlarged edition may prove not entirely unacceptable. I have -therefore added the best from my collection since the first publication; -and now, as then, tender my thanks to the proprietors of the -_Schoolmaster_ and to my friends the elementary school teachers. - - T. J. MACNAMARA. -_January, 1907._ - - - - - PREFACE TO THE THIRD EDITION. - - -_School-Room Humour_ having proved a constant source of enjoyment to an -ever-widening public, the Publishers have pleasure in issuing a third -edition, revised, and with a picture cover, and trust that in its new -dress the little book will continue to provide amusement for a large -circle of readers. - -_September, 1913._ - - - - - CONTENTS. - - - CHAPTER I. _Page_ - A LITTLE GENERAL DISQUISITION 9 - - - CHAPTER II. - CHILDREN'S WITTICISMS CRITICALLY CONSIDERED 14 - - - CHAPTER III. - A BUDGET OF QUAINT DEFINITIONS 28 - - - CHAPTER IV. - "I NOW TAKE MY PEN IN HAND" 38 - - - CHAPTER V. - THE RELIGIOUS DIFFICULTY 72 - - - CHAPTER VI. - THE FOND PARENT 89 - - - CHAPTER VII. - LITTLE SCIENTISTS AT SEA 97 - - - CHAPTER VIII. - A MISCELLANEOUS COLLECTION 105 - - - - - School-Room Humour. - - - CHAPTER I. - - A LITTLE GENERAL DISQUISITION. - - - TEACHER: "_What does B.C. stand for?_" - SCHOLAR: "_Before Christ!_" - TEACHER: "_Good! Now what does B.A. stand for?_" - SCHOLAR: "_Before Adam!_" - - -It is not to be denied that the life of the schoolmaster is always -exacting, usually tedious, and occasionally irritating. It is not to be -denied that long-enduring patience, untiring perseverance, and -philosophical resignation are only the first three of the many qualities -essential to success. But still the drudgery of teaching has its -compensations. And they are the more acceptable because of their rare -charm. There, in the schoolmaster's keeping, is the youthful mind. What -may he not do with it? What forgetfulness of the dreary round of toil -the very contemplation of the situation compels! And when his task is -achieved, and the finished product of his labour has passed out into the -world, with what quiet and ineffable satisfaction the schoolmaster -reflects upon the part he played in the making of men. In the days of my -schoolmastering I fell into this mood always--gently carried thence by -some beneficent ministering angel--when wearied and worried at the close -of the long day's toil; and in that mood was more balm than in many -sedatives and more sereneness than in much repose. This is the -schoolmaster's first great compensation. - -But there is that other. There is the agreeable amazement that the -working of the fresh child-mind is always provoking. And in this the -schoolmaster is regularly furnished with food for pleasant reflection -and for engaging conjecture day by day throughout the whole of his -pedagogic career. "Child-study" and "Psychology" have in recent times -taken severely scientific shape, and have fallen under the ęgis of -Government Departments and into Government Syllabuses. Good! But the -least observant and the least interested of all the schoolmasters of the -land, long before the Board of Education ever added "Child-study" to its -quaint if not exactly terrifying terminology, have never failed to -arrive empirically at certain broad conclusions with regard to the -child-mind which have been reached by practical and altogether -delightful daily experiences. Heaven forbid that I should unduly weary -the reader with disquisitions on these conclusions. But, at any rate, I -may acceptably rehearse some of the experiences. - -Now I admit at once that very many of the artlessly amusing things which -are alleged to have been uttered by that prime unconscious humorist, the -schoolboy, are quite apocryphal. They have been ingeniously excogitated -by their unabashed and artful elders for the purpose of creating a -laugh. They used to say that quill pens survived in the office of the -Board of Education in order that the Inspectors and other officials, in -the operation of persistently trimming them, might never be without -something to do. That is absurd. There is always the profitable -preoccupation of manufacturing funny puerile answers to inspectorial -hypothetical questions. Why not? The proceeding is innocent enough. But -it _does_ tend to make one incredulous. For example, I was once told -that a London Board School child defined "_a lie_" as "_an abomination -in the sight of the Lord, but a very present help in time of trouble_." -It is possible, remotely possible. But it is extremely unlikely. Then -when I am told that a youngster described "_the liver_" as "_an infernal -organ_," I see visions of a not fully-occupied civil servant suffering -acutely from an attack of chronic indigestion which has put him badly -off his drive. So, too, when I am told that a Bristol youngster once -wrote, "_The bowels are five in number, namely a, e, i, o and u_," like -the Scotsman, "I hae ma doots!" Then there is the classic answer to the -question: "What proof have we from the Bible that it is not lawful to -have more than one wife"--"_Because it says no man can serve two -masters!_" No child ever said _that_. And belonging to the same category -is the following. The teacher asked: "If one man walking at the rate of -three miles an hour gets half an hour's start of another man walking at -the rate of four miles an hour, when will the second man overtake the -first?" The allegation is that the small boy replied: "_Please, sir, at -the first public-house!_" But I know that small boy. He is a wag, it is -true; but he doesn't wear knickerbockers. - -So far as possible, therefore, I will endeavour to reject the apocryphal -in favour of the authentic, giving the former the benefit of the doubt, -of course, if on its merits the humour of the anecdote seems to condone -the illegitimacy of its origin. - - - - - CHAPTER II. - - CHILDREN'S WITTICISMS CRITICALLY - CONSIDERED. - - "_A focus is a thing that looks like a mushroom, but if you eat - it you will feel different to a mushroom._"--SMALL GIRL. - - -Of course children's witticisms are always unconscious. They have taken -the idiomatic quite literally: not quite caught our meaning; missed the -right word in favour of another that is curiously like it in sound. - -Reasonably enough the idiom is extremely troublesome to the child-mind. -"The doctor says my mother has one foot in the grave," wrote a little -girl the other day in a Composition Exercise. "That is not true. _She -has both feet in bed!_" Again, if people _will_ talk about "going it -bald-headed," or about being "stony-hearted" or "iron-fisted" or -"brazen-faced," and so on, they must naturally expect young children to -accept the phraseology in its literal sense. Hence amusing -misconceptions. - -Again, as I say, it is often a question of not having quite got the -right word. Having mumbled The Lord's Prayer every day for a year or so, -we ultimately get the young Cockney who is found to be rendering "Lead -us not into temptation" as "_Lead us not into Thames Station_"--a London -police court shunned of all good costers and others. So too, taught that -the Epiphany is a Manifestation, we condone readily the mistake of the -little girl who, to her teacher's complete and abiding mystification, -insisted that the Epiphany was "_the-man-at-the-station!_" - -Owing its origin to the same sort of misconception is the genuinely -funny answer of the boy who wrote, "The marriage customs of the ancient -Greeks were that a man had only one wife, and this was called -_Monotony_!" - -Then, again, the child-mind is absolutely fresh and alert. It is to the -adult mind as is the plastic clay to the baked brick. It is not already -overlaid with impressions; it is not restricted in its elasticity by the -petrifying effects of already-received preconceptions; it is -refreshingly new and instantly impressionable. It is because of this -that a youngster wrote: "_A vacuum is nothing shut up in a box._" It is -because of this, too, that the little girl said: "The zebra is like a -horse, only striped _and used to illustrate the letter Z_." Owing its -origin to the same freshness of view, we get the following: Two children -being awakened one morning and being told that they had a new little -brother, were keen, as children are, to know whence and how he had come. -"It must have been the milkman," said the girl. "Why the milkman?" asked -her little brother. "_Because it says on his cart_, '_Families -supplied_,'" replied the sister. Not less quaintly ingenuous and fresh -is the reply of a little chap in a Nature-study lesson. "Think," said -the teacher, "of a little creature that wriggles about in the earth and -sometimes comes to the top through a tiny hole." A small boy in a -pinafore put up his hand joyously. "Well?" queried the teacher. "A -worm," said the small boy. "Yes," said the teacher, "now think of -another little creature that wriggles about in the earth and comes to -the top through a small hole." Up went the joyous hand again. "Well?" -asked the teacher. "_Another worm!_" shouted Tommy in triumph. - -The workings of the child-mind, the quaint, homely wisdom and shrewdness -that it not infrequently displays, and the pathos that--so far as the -working-class children are concerned--it so often discovers, are -engrossingly interesting. Take the case of the reply to the Inspector -who, putting a "Mental Arithmetic" question, asked: "If I had three -glasses of beer on this table and your father came in and drank one, how -many would be left?" "None, sir," at once replied a very small urchin. -"But you don't understand my question," retorted the inspector, -proceeding to repeat it. This he did several times, always receiving the -same unwavering assurance, "None, sir!" At last he said: "Ah, my boy, it -is clear you don't know mental arithmetic." "_But I know my father_," -answered the boy. - -Again, there is the instance of the little chap driven into desperation -and escaping by a wild stretch of the imagination. "Who made the world?" -snapped out a rather testy inspector years ago to a class of very small -boys. No answer. Several times he repeated the question, getting louder -and more angry each time. At last a poor little fellow, kneading his -eyes vigorously with his knuckles, blubbered out: "_Please, sir, it was -me. But I won't do it any more!_" Which recalls to me the old Scotch -chestnut: "Why did the priest and the Levite pass by on the other side, -child?" "_Because the puir man had been robbed already!_" was the reply. - -Much of the school-room humour purveyed for the delectation of us elders -by the unconscious wits of the schoolroom is provoked by quaint pieces -of "Composition." Of these I give later a number. One of the most -amusing is that by a young lady in the Sixth Standard, who very frankly -and faithfully expresses her views on "Schoolmasters." She writes so -candidly, that I produce her essay here as a wholesome corrective to -professional vanity and as an acute witness to the necessity to "see -ourselves as others see us":-- - - "Schoolmasters are a class of people who have a tendency to a - bad temper, and who are generally armed with a cane. We have a - very good sample at our school, for we have a schoolmaster who - is, as a rule, 'better in health than temper,' especially when - we have Geography. To hear most schoolmasters talk you would - think that they never did wrong in their lives; and, of course, - they will tell you that when they went to school they never used - to talk, and they never got the stick; but whether they used to - talk in school or not I do not know. All I can say is, that they - can talk like magpies when they are outside. Well, I suppose we - must have schoolmasters, or we should all be very ignorant - indeed----." - -Much fun is got out of the weird and fearfully contrived "Notes" which -teachers receive from the poorer working-class parents. I have not dwelt -much on these, as I never see one of these "Notes" without feeling more -inclined to cry than to laugh. If the State had known and had done its -duty earlier there would be less melancholy fun in these self-same -parental "Notes." I will only dare to reproduce two here:-- - - "Pleas Sur, Jonnie was kep home to day. I have had twins. _It - shant ocur again._ Yours truely Mrs. Smith." - -The other is given in the stories which follow; but it is worth -repeating:-- - - "Plese excuse mary being late as she _as been out on a herring_!" - -It is the fact, and it is not altogether to be wondered at, that the -Scripture lesson is a prime source of juvenile undoing. The proper names -used are so hard and unfamiliar, and the scope of the subject is so -often so far beyond the children's capacity, that the wonder is that the -misconceptions and errors are so few. Then, again, the children mostly -learn their Scripture texts and so on _viva voce_ from the teacher. Many -repetitions cause them to distort the words; and then when they come to -write them down the result is, not to put too fine a point upon it, as -Mr. Snagsby would say, startling. The classical instance is that given -in the report of the "Newcastle" Commission on the Condition of -Elementary Education in 1855. The questions were: "What is thy duty -towards God?" and "What is thy duty towards thy neighbour?" Here are the -two answers given by the Commissioners:-- - - "My duty toads God is to bleed in Him, to fering and to loaf - withold your arts, withold my mine, withold my sold, and with my - sernth, to whirchp and give thanks, to put my old trash in Him, - to call upon Him, to onner His old name and His world, and to - save Him truly all the days of my life's end." "My dooty toads - my nabers, to love him as thyself, and to do to all men as I wed - thou shall and to me; to love onner, and suke my farther and - mother; to onner and to bay the Queen and all that are pet in a - forty under her; to smit myself to all my gooness, teaches, - sportial pastures, and marsters, &c., &c." - -One of the funniest of mistakes made by the daily verbal reiteration of -phrases neither understood nor seen in black and white is the story of -the boy who came back from a visit to an aquarium and was very -disappointed that they had not shown him "_the timinies_." After some -cross-examination the mystery was cleared up. It will be fully -appreciated if I recite the fact that "in six days the Lord made heaven -and earth, the sea, _and all that in them is_." - -What I may, for lack of a better definition, describe as an oblique -method of applying what those very learned and very dull people the -Psychologists call "the Principle of Association of Ideas" is another -fruitful source of laughable errors. For instance, teach a child that -"_tigress_" is the feminine of "_tiger_"; now proceed to tell it that -_"a fort" is a place in which soldiers live_; the odds are that if you -ask it at once what "_a fortress_" is it will say that it _is a place -for soldiers' wives to live in_! So it will tell you that "_Shero_" is -the feminine of "_Hero_," and "_Madam_" of "_Adam_"! You may also get -"_Buttress_" as "_the wife of a Butler_." Certainly I have seen -"_Pedigree is a Schoolmaster_," and "_Filigree is a list of your -descendants!_" - -Tell a youngster that "_an optician_" is a person who looks after your -eyes and then ask what "_a pessimist_" is, the odds are some little -gamin will reply, "_A person who looks after your feet_," or "_your -hands_," or "_your ears_," or "_your legs_," as the fancy strikes him. -Describe "_an Apostle_" and then say, "_Now what's an Epistle?_" and you -may get, "_The wife of an Apostle._" You may also get "_Primate_" as the -wife of "_a Prime Minister_." - -It is very curious to note how children are attracted by Mr. -Chamberlain. He and King Edward are the two public men whose names -appear most often in their "Pieces of Composition." Such men as the -Prime Minister, the Duke of Devonshire, and even Lord Rosebery--always -popular figures with adults--have no attractions for the youngsters. -Indeed, Mr. Chamberlain provokes one of the funniest things in the whole -of the anecdotes which I have ventured to relate. "_He is a man_," -writes a young hopeful, "_who broke out among other people_!" Isn't that -just delicious? I am half inclined to think that the distinguished -Parliamentarian who just now leads the House of Commons would utter a -fervent "Hear! hear!" were that simple and yet striking answer rehearsed -to him. - -What quiet humour, too, there is in that rare definition of "_Etc._": -"_It is a sign used to make believe you know more than you do!_" Take, -again, the reason given for David's preference. Why would he rather be a -doorkeeper in the house of the Lord? "_Because he could walk about -outside while the sermon was being preached!_" Could anything be more -convincing? Or take, again, that rare new axiom that outeuchres Euclid: -"_When you are in the middle you are half over!_" Did ever the -self-evident truth stand more completely foursquare and without need of -proof? - -Still again, take the reason given for putting a hyphen between _bird_ -and _cage_: "_For the bird to perch on!_" Not less conclusive is the -little one's reply in the lesson on "The elephant and his trunk." "Now -my dear," says the amiable and hopeful infants' mistress, "you shall -tell me what _your_ nose is for." "_Us haves it to wipe, miss!_" Which -recalls the rough, commonsense reproof which a Roman Catholic priest -once gave a distinguished inspector who was examining a class of ragged -little Standard II. gamins in a poor town school in the western country: -"_What_, boys," he asked, "_is the function of a verb_?" Blank silence -reigned until the priest stepped up to the inspector and said _sotto -voce_: "_You are an old ass----! It's as much as we can do here to get -these youngsters to stand upright and keep their noses clean!_" - -But let me without further running--and more or less -impertinent--comment try to classify my budget of anecdotes and let them -speak for themselves. I will only add to this critical comment the fact -that the stories which follow have been collected assiduously and stored -up jealously during the thirty years I have been connected with -schoolmastering either as Board School teacher, a London School Board -member, or as editor of the organ of the National Union of Teachers, -_The Schoolmaster_, in the columns of which journal most of them have -from time to time appeared. - - - - - CHAPTER III. - - A BUDGET OF QUAINT DEFINITIONS. - - TEACHER: "_Name the head of the English Church._" - ALFRED THE SMALL: "_The Archipelago of Canterbury!_" - - -I shall endeavour, as far as possible, to classify my collection of -stories. And in pursuance of this purpose I cannot, perhaps, do better -than start out with some quaint definitions. - - * * * * * - -WITH A RING OF TRIUMPH.--A class of infants was being taught a -recitation in which the word "battledore" occurred. The teacher asked if -any child knew the meaning. Only one child raised his hand, and, with a -ring of triumph in his voice, gave the answer: "_A door what a soldier -comes out of._" - - * * * * * - -"WHAT THEY CALL A WATERSHED."--Asked to write a definition of "A -Watershed" one potential Christopher Columbus wrote: "A watershed is a -thing that when the soil in part of a river stands straight up on one -side and slants tremendously the other side, the water is obliged to go -up the soil on one side and come slanting down the other side--that is -what they call a watershed." - - * * * * * - -A NEW VIEW OF THE CONSTITUTION.--"A Limited Monarchy," wrote a small -boy, "is a government by a monarchy, who in case of bankruptcy would not -be responsible for the entire national debt. In private life you have -the same thing with a Limited Liability Company." - - * * * * * - -CONCERNING THE HERETIC.--"A Heretic," wrote a practical young person, -"is one who never would believe what he was told, but only after seeing -it and hearing it himself with his own eyes." - - * * * * * - -NOT SO FAR OUT.--"The Court of Chancery," wrote another, "is called this -because they take care of property there on the chance of an owner -turning up." - - * * * * * - -SHORT TITLE AND DESCRIPTION.--"The Five Mile Act was passed," according -to one youthful historian, "by Queen Victoria to prevent loafing and -drunkenness in public-houses. People must prove that they had travelled -five miles before they would be supplied with beer and spirits. This -made people ashamed to get so drunk as before." The youthful essayist is -clearly muddling "the _bona fide_ traveller" clause with the provisions -of a much more ancient statute. - - * * * * * - -ROUGH ON THE BARBER.--Teacher (after class had read of St. Paul's -adventures among the "barbarians of Melita"): "What is a Barbarian?" -Pupil: "_A man who cuts hair, sir!_" - - * * * * * - -A NEW AXIOM.--In the Euclid lesson the teacher asked, after explaining -the meaning of An Axiom, if a boy could give one of his own. A lad -replied: "_When you are in the middle you are half-way over._" And who -shall say him nay? - - * * * * * - -A MEDIATOR.--"Well, John," asked the master, "what is a Mediator?" -John's face beamed knowingly: "_A fellow who says hit me instead!_" he -promptly retorted. - - * * * * * - -B.A.!--During a reading lesson, taken from Standard III. Historical -Reader, the pupil teacher asked what the letters "B.C." represented. On -receiving the answer "Before Christ," she ventured to improve the -opportunity by asking for the meaning of other abbreviations, amongst -which was B.A. A little girl at once said: "_Before Adam!_" - - * * * * * - -ETC.!--"What do we imply when we use this abbreviation?" asked the -teacher. "_It is a sign_," said a young one very sententiously, "_which -is used to make believe you know more than you really do!_" - - * * * * * - -"PAINTED ON THE WATER-CARTS."--"What is a Martyr?" asked the inspector. -"_A water-cart._" "A water-cart?" "_Yes, sir._" The inspector was -puzzled; but after long cogitation he recalled the fact that he was in -the parish of St. George the Martyr. This parish does its own -contracting, and the boy has seen "_St. George the Martyr_" _painted on -the water-carts_. - - * * * * * - -WHAT IS A ZEBRA?--A class of Standard II. in a small town in -Westmoreland was once questioned about the zebra. There seemed to be a -great lack of knowledge about it, and the young teacher strove with -heroic patience to draw some answer from his pupils. Great was the -delight of both teacher and class on receiving the following apt -definition from one of their number: "_Please, sir, it's like a donkey -with a Kendal Hornet's jersey on._" - - * * * * * - -"JOGRAPHY."--"Well, little boys, and what _is_ Geography?" beamed the -inspector, after getting correctly some names of rivers, mountains, &c. -No answer for two minutes by the clock. Then one timid hand is raised in -answer to the question: "_Please, sir, jography is a ball on which we -live!_" This recalls the story of the boy who was asked for a proof that -the world is round. His answer was: "_It says in the Bible, World -without end!_" - - * * * * * - -TRUE BOTH WAYS.--Some years ago, writes a teacher, I used to take -Standard I. on Wednesday afternoons for a talk on the subject of -Geography. I had on one occasion a magnet and a compass, and was amusing -the little ones with the magnet. They seemed to have some idea of the -meaning and use of the compass, and it occurred to me whether they knew -what a mariner was, so I asked them. No answer. After some time one -precocious very small boy ventured: "_Please, sir, it's a young man what -goes after a young ooman_." [Query: "_a-marrying her._"] - - * * * * * - -TOUCHING THE EQUATOR.--"What," demanded the inspector, "is the Equator?" -"The Equator," said one ingenious hopeful, "is a _menagerie lion_ -running round the centre of the earth." - - * * * * * - -ABOUT THE STRETCHER.--A London infant school. The Raising of the Widow's -Son. Illustrations, Religious Tract Society Scripture Roll. Story told -by teacher. Pointing to the bier: "What is he lying on?" _Ans._: "A -stretcher."--_Ques._: "What _is_ a stretcher?" _Ans._: "_Wot lydies -rides on when they gets drunk!_" - - * * * * * - -TEN BRIEF ONES.--"The Chartists were men who compelled King John to -sign Magna Charta."--"The Luddites were shells fired by the -Boers."--"Sir Joseph Chamberlain invented fiscal policy, and -generally wears an orchard in his coat."--"By the Salic Law no woman -can become King."--"Wat Tyler was the leader of the Pheasants' -Revolt."--"The Channel Islands consist of Jersey, Gansey, Alderman, -and Shark."--"_Quid pro quo_ means paying a sovereign for goods of -the given value!"--"Poetry is when every line begins with a capital -letter."--"Parliament is a place where they go up to London _to talk -about Birmingham_!"--"The principal parts of the eye are the pupil, the -moat, and the beam." - - * * * * * - -SOME INGENIOUS ONES.--_Ques._: "What are Bacteria?" _Ans._: "A kind -of chair for invalids."--_Ques._: "What is meant by the term -_celestial pole_?" _Ans._: "_A heavenly perch._"--_Ques._: "Which is -the first and great Commandment?" _Ans._: "_Hang all the law and the -prophets!_"--_Ques._: "What is Lava?" _Ans._: "The stuff a barber puts -on your face."--_Teacher_ (pointing to an _oblique_ line): "What kind -of line is that?" _Scholar_: "A _hori-slant-al_ line."--_Teacher_: -"What does the abdomen contain?" _Scholar_: "The stomach, liver, and -_interestines_."--_Teacher_: "What did the doctor say about your -throat?" _Scholar_: "He said I must not eat any _solemn_ -food."--_Teacher_: "Who was Guy Fawkes?" _First Pupil_: "Guy Fox was a -man who tried to destroy Parliament." (Girl's answer.) _Second Pupil_: -"Guy Forks is a man made by another man." (Boy's answer.)--_Teacher_: -"Say what you know about Columbus." _Scholar_: "Columbus saw two -blue-eyed Saxon boys in the market-place to be sold as slaves. -He turned away with his heart full of thoughts."--_Ques._: "Who -is Mr. Chamberlain?" _Ans._: "A man who broke out among other -people."--_Ques._: "What is a Bay?" _Ans._: "A Bay's a piece of land, -which the sea has washed away and made a hollow."--_Ques._: "Who were -the Lollards?" _Ans._: "The Lollards were men who used to sing in the -streets."--_Ques._: "Who was Cardinal Wolsey?" _Ans._: "Cardinal Wolsey -was a haughty prelate. He permitted his hat to be carried before him on -a cushion."--_Ques._: "Who was Cranmer?" _Ans._: "Cranmer was Archbishop -of Oxford University, and was burnt at a steak."--_Ques._: "In what -character was Mrs. Scott-Siddons painted by Gainsborough?" _Ans._: "The -tragic mouse."--_Ques._: "What do you understand by the Salic Law?" -_Ans._: "The Salic Law forbade any man descended from a woman inheriting -the throne."--_Ques._: "What are the chief mountains of Scotland?" Ans.: -"Ben Nevis, Ben Lomond, and Ben Jonson."--_Ques._: "How many senses have -we? Name them." _Ans._: "We have two senses, wrong and right."--_Ques._: -"How is silence expressed in music?" _Ans._: "Silence in music is -expressed by putting your feet on the paddles."--_Ques._: "What is a -blizzard?" _Ans._: "The inside of a fowl." - - - - - CHAPTER IV. - - "I NOW TAKE MY PEN IN HAND." - - A policeman passes. - - SMITH MINOR, aged 9: "_I shall be a bobby when I grow up!_" - - SMITH MAJOR, aged 11: "_No! my dear child. You'll never have - the feet for it!_" - - -The curious workings of the child-mind are nowhere more conspicuously -illustrated than in the little essays and "pieces of composition" which -they are set to write. Of course many of the children in the poorer -elementary schools possess only a very limited and very primitive -vocabulary. Hence, when they adventure upon rather long and unfamiliar -words--conscientiously trying to reproduce what they have just heard the -teacher say in the general verbal description of the story to be -committed by them to paper--they often achieve fantastic results. But -far more interesting is the fresh and original view of a given situation -which emerges. Far more interesting, too, are the homely wit and the -shrewd wisdom which these wholly delightful little efforts display. Let -these attest. - - * * * * * - -"IT WOULD BE WORTH IT."--"What would you do with £5?" having been set to -a class of girls, the following was one of the forthcoming replies: -"Dear Teacher,--If I had five pounds of my very own to do just what I -like with, I should go on a railway journey and pull the alarm signal -and just see what really would happen. Of course the five pounds would -go to pay the fine; but I think it would be worth it.--I remain your -loving ----." - - * * * * * - -MAN'S CLEVERNESS.--In a composition on Man a boy wrote, among other -things: "Man is the only animal that can strike a light, and also he is -the only animal that blows his nose." - - * * * * * - -WHY THEY PUNCH THE TICKET.--In a piece of composition on "A Railway -Journey" a girl writes: "You have to get a ticket, which is a piece of -paper, and you give it to a man, who cuts a hole in it _to let you pass -through_." - - * * * * * - -GUNPOWDER PLOT.--"Gunpowder plot," wrote a nine-year-old youngster, -"died in the year 1603. They gave Guyfawlks 100 of pounds for to blow up -the parlament. Gunpowder plot married Sir Philp Sidny. Gunpowder plot -had a battle with Guyfawlks. Guyfawlks wone the battle." - - * * * * * - -SHOULD MAKE A GOOD JOURNALIST.--The other day I told my class (Standard -VII.) to write me an account of an imaginary expedition to the North -Pole. Here is an extract from one paper: "At last, we reached the North -Pole. _We sailed into the harbour and went to see the town!_" - - * * * * * - -CONCERNING THE PIG.--Standard V. Boy: "A pig when living has four legs, -but when you kill it the butcher says it only has two, because he calls -the front legs shoulders and the back legs are called hams. Ham tastes -nice, and they boil it to eat at a wedding. The missus sprinkles little -bits of toast on it to make it look pretty." - - * * * * * - -CONCERNING HARES (Standard III. Composition).--"Young hairs are called -leveretts. Hairs sleep much. They always sleep with their eyes open. -Hairs have no eyelashes. Their four legs are shorter than their hind -legs. Their ear-ring is remarkably good. Hairs pass their lives in -soletude and silents. They are often hunted on horseback and by hownds." - - * * * * * - -ON "AN INSECT."--"An insect's body is made up of ringed segments. When -we tread on beetles we hear them crack, that is the segments. Insects -have not red blood it is a sort of white liquid squas a fly and you will -see what colour blood it has. The fly likes to lay its eggs in meat -where the maggots will have food for she must die soon and will not be -able to feed her brood." - - * * * * * - -THE CAMEL (by a beginner).--"Its nest is a very mean one, made of twigs, -leaves, &c. It has a large body, and it is able to carry it full of -water. It has two humps of fat on its back, on which it is able to feed -when it is hungry. Its feet are webbed, in which it is able to cross the -desert. Its air is used to make brushes which are used for painting. It -also lays eggs. It eats worms." - - * * * * * - -THE SALVATION ARMY (Standard IV.).--"The Salvation Army is mostly on the -street. The women in it cover up all their hair with funny sorts of -bonnets that stick out in front to keep the rain off their faces. -Sometimes they have names on their hats like sailors. They make a deal -of noise the worsed two is called captain and leftennant. They tell -people about Jesus and make collections." - - * * * * * - -GIBRALTAR.--"Gibraltar is a strait on the west coast of France. It is -famous for a beautiful rock. It is about one mile wide and five miles -long. The English people took Gibraltar, and they placed a great many -big guns there. There are a great many people at Gibraltar called apes. -And the other people are very proud of them because they are the only -apes in Gibraltar. It is said they came from America." - - * * * * * - -ALCOHOL AND THE BLOOD.--"Of what is our blood composed, and what effect -has alcohol upon it?" This was the question. The following is the -written answer: "It is made up of five million red insects and one -thousand white ones to every drop of blood. If alcohol is taken it -causes these insects to dry up and die and come to the front of the -body. Sometimes it is from this cause that people who drink alcohol are -red in the face." - - * * * * * - -THE ANCIENT BRITONS.--It was the first year of compulsory composition, -and Standard III. were asked to reproduce a lesson on the Ancient -Britons in their own words. One young hopeful wrote: "The acient britons -had no close on, they painted a wode on there body and it kept them a -bit warm, there chief men was called druids and my farther is one, they -call them acient britons becose it is a long time since." - - * * * * * - -PERSEVERANCE. [Essayist aged 10.]--"Were theirs a will theirs a way. -This is a very old proverb that has to do with what I'm writing. If we -nearly always succeed we always is getting on, but if we don't succeed, -we should try till we dose and then we should do it again which is a -very wise way to persever. People who sits down never gets on and People -who gets on dont sit down. We should all get on because it is the best -thing to do at all times. We will have trails (trials?) but we must try -again until them trails is gone." - - * * * * * - -TOUCHING BREAD.--The exercise was, "Write an essay on Bread." The -following was the result: "Bread is made with flour and barm and is very -useful. It is used for the people to eat and feeds them right. The bread -gets cheapper every year sometimes. The bread as raised this year. But -the people says it is getting the right weather. The bread is needed up -by men and women. It is best when the men make the bread. Some of the -women says that brown bread is good for their health. Bread is sometimes -used for bread potises. Bread is a useful food escpecially the crust. -But crust is the best for to make peoples hair curel. Bread is used for -making sop for children. The bread is made with flour, barm, and water." - - * * * * * - -A JAPANESE LAD'S DIARY.--This is an extract from a diary kept by a -Japanese boy who, when he wrote it, was a pupil of an English school in -China. The boy was sixteen years of age, and had been studying English -for two and a half years:--"19th January.--I was up before the school's -clock struck six. On going to the washing chamber I found that the day -was not very severe. I went to my cover (cupboard) and obtained the soap -and sponge; the water was not so cold as previous days, but as usual -when I finished washing my fingers lost sense. I dressed myself and rang -the bell at 7 o'clock punctually. At about 10 minutes past 7 Mr. A. -wanted me. He wished me to descend the stairs and command the boy (chief -house servant) to attend to him and also to see whether the fire was -made in the studio. I obeyed implicity, but just as I was descending the -stairs I caught sight of the boy, so immediately told him to go to Mr. -A.; the fire was already made in downstairs. I rang the second bell and -went into the dormitory to see all the boys. They were then all out of -beds and dressing, there was nobody late. The bell was rang at 8 o'clock -and we had finished our repast at half past. The school bell was rang at -quarter to nine and Mr. B. took us in. The head master then came down. I -learned copying, mathematics, algebra, composition. Our ball was fix by -the Tiffin time, so we blew it up and had a fine game. The school began -again at two. Shorthand, book-keeping, grammar, were the subjects of -that afternoon. At four all the scholars came out. The football was then -in the playground, attended by several boys. I joined in with Mr. A. who -sided with me. A French-school lad appeared at the gate and was -discussing with Brown. I did not know what were they disputing until -Brown called me and told that he came as a messenger from the above -school to say that they like to challenge us to play football. I thought -it would be very pleasant to have a game with them so I said we will be -able to accept the challenge. We thought it well to take Mr. A. and Mr. -B., and told them about it. The messenger went away to make enquiry -about it. I went with him and ask if they agree willingly, they told me -they should have Mr. C. if we take the above two. I came home and -diffused among the fellows that I have heard. Brown said that it would -be much better to withhold Mr. A. and B., but I gave no answer to it. -The evening came. A friend called upon me, and said that he was going to -bestow upon me his photo. I accompanied him, and was delighted at the -receipt of his image. I came home with it, and delighted to hear the -dinner-bell. At half past seven our dinner was over, and I rang the -night school-bell. All came into the studio (school) and did their work. -At nine o'clock I went up and jumped into bed to become oblivious." - - * * * * * - -AN ESSAY ON AN ELECTION.--During a recent District Council election a -great deal of enthusiasm was shown in this place. Two days after a -teacher gave her class (Standard VII.) an essay to write on "An -Election." The essay which follows is a complete and word-for-word copy -of the effort of one of the girls in the class: "An election means two -things. First, the voice of the people spoken by choosing the most -eligible person or persons to represent their creed, requirements, or -grievances. Secondly, an election means lies, treachery, hypocrisy, -drunkenness, anxiety, disappointment, and glorification. God save us -from having another for twelve months." - - * * * * * - -A HAT'S AUTOBIOGRAPHY.--"Fancy yourself an old hat," said the teacher. -"Now write about yourself." Result: "I am an old hat telling you all -about me. I am trimmed with velvet, and when any one take me out the -people stand in the doorway laughing at me, and I am not pleased with -them. I dont turn sulky like some boy's and girls do when any one call -them. My hat is trimmed with green velvet, satan, flowers, cherries, and -a large hostrige feather. When I go out the cherries in my hat tieses -the birds. I was bought in a large hat shop in leeds. I was bought in a -shop down briggate. It cost more than six shillings. I think I have told -you all I know, and so I will say no more at present." - - * * * * * - -AT THE MENAGERIE.--"Describe," said the teacher, "in a letter to a -friend, your visit yesterday to the menagerie." Here is one of the -letters: "Dear Fred,--About a week ago I went to a manajery in our town. -The price to pay was tuppence and it was well worth the money. Their -were a great number of animals. The animals what made the biggest row -was the Kings of the beasts and a wild cat they had got. Their were a -cage full of monkeys which was doing funny tricks, some was catching -fleas and eating them. Their was a Elephant and a Kamel that give rides -for a penny. Stodgy Mathers tumbled of and made his nose bleed, he did -howl. There was various kinds of birds, such as the vulture, the Golden -eagle and kangaroo, besides macaws and other ferocious animals. There -was an horse. It had a main 13 feet long worth £10000. The man what -entered the Lions den was the tamer. He was dressed in tites. When he -went in he closed the door quick for fear they should spring out and -devour the people. He soon made the lions do whatever they like. Lions -are ferocious animals. The colour of the lion is yellow, also brown, -though some are also red. Tigers are no use only to eat up men and -called the maneater, likewise women and little babys, besides others. If -a man was to meet a tiger in a lonely forest he would never forget it. -The elephant is remarkable for its prodijous strenth. Its trunk is -useful to drink up and eating. Their was also a policeman at the door to -keep disordered people and children out of mischief. Policemen are -useful things when on duty. The colour of them is blue with a big helmet -on. In a cage up a corner sat a grilla eating, and which its teeth is -very sharp, and its claws. I saw some lepords and a zebra and a funny -lobsided thing called a giraf. I saved my penny and bought some nuts -which I gave the monkeys. One big faced fellow was so greedy he -swallowed one of my nuts whole and it nearly choked him. He rubbed his -stummick and choked and grasped for breath until the tears rolled down -his cheeks. I thought I should die laughing. Greediness never prospers. -I also witnessed a fight between an hyeena and a wolf. Wolfs is -ferocious animals. It was amusing to watch two monkeys fighting over a -ginger bread. The biggest caught the other by the tail and dropped him -on the floor with a crash on his head. I left then and went home and had -a good tea.--your respectably, ----." - - * * * * * - -ON GOVERNMENT.--The exercise was an essay "On Government"--after, of -course, a little disquisition by the teacher. The result:--"Our country -has a King who can't do anything but what he ought to. There were -Georges I., II., III., and IV., but there was eight Henrys. There is -also houses called the Houses of Parliament. One of these is full of -lords, called the House of Lords, but the other is only built for them -gentlemen as perhaps you have seen some of them and it is called the -House of Common. No gentlemen can get in there unless they know as he -can make laws. But the King has to look them over and see as they are -made right. These Commons are called Conservatives and Liberals, and -they try and hinder one another as much as they can. They sometimes have -sides, and then you see it on the plackards, and you can hear men and -your fathers a talking quarrelling about it. Our country is governed a -lot better than France, and Germany comes about next. Then there's a lot -of others, and then comes Persia. Our country allways comes first, -whoever you like to ask." - - * * * * * - -BABIES.--"Write me a piece of composition on Babies," said the teacher. -Here is a boy's effort on, to him, an obviously uncongenial -topic:--"Babys are little red things without bones nor teeth. They have -various sises, but just after they are borned, they are called bypeds; -their bones are grisle. They are 2 sects, male and female; and are also -very fat. When very young they do not have much hair; so you cannot tell -wether they will turn into boys or girls until their hair grows. They -are always asleep only when crying. They feed them on milk, or chue a -injyrubber tit, also their thum. When they are very little, they ware -pettycoats same as girls; but boys soon wear jacket and trowsers. Girls -are softer than boys, so they have to keep on wearing pettycoats, -frocks, and &c., all their lives. Some babys have to be borned, and the -doctor brings some, when the people have got plenty of money. Women and -girls go silly over babys, and kiss them all over, and say silly things. -That's why girls have dolls when they haven't any little brothers. -Everybody as to be a baby first. Once, before I can remember, I was a -little baby. Mother says, when I had my furst trowser suit on, she put -me on the table in frunt of the looking glass, and when I seen myself in -the mirrow, I screamed out, 'Take them off!' 'Take them off!' 'It isnt -me! It isnt me!' and they had to take them off. That's all I know about -babys." - - * * * * * - -RIVAL VIEWS.--One day, recently, a teacher gave for composition to the -boys and girls in the upper standards an essay on "Boys" (for the girls) -and "Girls" (for the boys). The following extracts represent fairly -accurately the general tone of the opinions expressed by both sides -respectively:-- - -_Concerning "Boys."_--"Boys are mischievous and jolly ... some are -gentle."--"They dress differently from each other.... Many boys are very -lazy."--"Most boys are very clever.... They are very clumsy and -clodhoppers."--"Some of the boys play very roughly and clumsily. They -run about and step on each other's feet.... They do not very often -agree."--"The boys talk more than the girls."--"Very few are -gentle."--"Boys are male people."--"They are not much use to help their -mothers in house-work."--"Their mothers put them nice and tidy, but some -of them go and get ragged again." - -_Concerning "Girls."_--"Most girls are very shy and angry."--"They sew -and darn the boys' stockings."--"Their work is tidy and clean."--"They -talk very silently."--"They have thin, weak voices."--"Girls dress up -about mid-day, and go out, while the poor boys are hard at -work."--"Girls have a kind of false pride about them. A girl will have -feathers and flowers in her hat just to show off."--"Most of them are -tall and delicate, and they have long legs and little tiny -voices."--"Some girls have their hair frizzed up and some wavered." - - * * * * * - -THE WHALE (by a ten-year-old).--"The Whale is not called a fish, because -it is so big, so it is called a creature. They eat cockles and worms and -jellies, and people catches the whales with a fishing rod or a net, they -have to let the rope out so the whale dies for loss of breath. The -whales swim in shols [shoals] and they have a tarpoon at the end of -their tails, when he moves his tail, with one blow he will smash the -side of the ship. It has a very big head, and two fins or flappers, on -one side of its body. Whales got to come up out of the water on to the -land for to breath with their mouths, if he sees any people about he -will swallow them up for he has very big jar bones, and strong teeth -called whaleboners. Fishmongers catches whales an sail them. Some people -eat whales with salt and piper and bread, and some with potatoes. If you -keep a whales head under water he will die for want of breath. When they -have finished with the whale they send it adrift to get some more spern -oil." - - * * * * * - -A PAT ANSWER.--The following story was read to a class of girls to be -reproduced as a composition exercise:--"A gentleman was out driving in a -dog-cart with his coachman, who was an Irishman, when the horse took -fright and bolted. The coachman did his best, but it was evident that -the beast had got beyond his control. 'Pat,' said the gentleman, 'I'd -give five pounds to be out of this trap.' 'Yer honour needn't be so -extravagant; ye'll be out of it for nothing presently!' He had scarcely -finished speaking when the wheel was caught by a heap of stones at the -roadside, and both men were shot over the hedge into an adjoining -field." "Now, girls," said the teacher, "_three marks extra for the most -suitable title for this story_." Up went a forest of hands, and many and -varied, if somewhat commonplace, were the titles suggested. But a -comical twist on the face of a grey-eyed little Irish maiden in the -front row took the teacher's attention. "Well, Norah, what title do you -suggest?" "_A cheap outing!_" said Norah demurely. - - * * * * * - -ON SMOKING.--The following is an essay by a Standard V. boy. It was -written after a lecture by Dr. ---- on the Evils of Smoking: "Boys wish -to be manly in their ways and habbits, this is right but in some ways it -is wrong because in somethings which men does is not for boys to do. -Somethings which men does might not hurt them but it would hurt boys. -One thing is harmful to both men and boys or women that is bad language -it is a dreadful thing to hear women children and men using bad language -in all of the earth. But there is another bad habit of which boys follow -the example of men and this is a very harmful habit to boys and to most -men as well as boys. This habit is smoking with tobacco which in the -British Isle is carry on very much both with men and children and -sometimes women. Every time you go out if it is only just outside the -door you see men or boys smoking. Now when you are smoking people say -they have a stinging taste on their tongue if they only knew what this -taste is I am sure they would never smoke again for if you was to tell -them the number of gases which contained in tobacco they would -immediately take out their tobacco and pipe or cigarettes and throw them -away. For in the tobacco is a number of poisonous gases which when the -smoke is indulge into the mouth the different poisons run to certain -parts of the body, some gases go to lungs and others to liver and to the -heart and nerves and brain and sometimes it iffects the mind and -hearing. The names of some of these gases are hydrogen, prussic acid gas -and carbonic acid gas and nicotine which is the most iffectable on the -body and another of them called sulpherette carbonic gas. Smokers are -always liable to indigestion which is brought on by these gases which is -performed in smoking, besides these gases is another which is known as -monoxine. If you ask a athlette if smoking was good for him he would -tell plump no it is not for it shortens the wind and makes the muscles -feeble. Another thing it deases your body and brings on heart desease. -It is bad for a man to smoke but it is worst to a growing lad for it -injures the growth and makes your limbs shakey. Boys who smoke when they -are young never occasionully live a long life, nor never grow to height -because it shivers (_i.e._ shrivels) up your liver and bye and bye you -have none at all and then you die and it brings on cancer which is -another dead desease." - - * * * * * - -WHAT CONSTITUTES A GENTLEMAN. [Standard VII.]--"People sometimes think -that when men are dressed in nice clothes they are gentlemen but that is -not the case, a gentleman is a man who knows his manners. Down in the -West End and City there are great swells, but people think that because -they have nice clothes they are swells, but some are more like pigs. We -might see a tramp walking along a street who as hardly no boots nor -clothes but very likely he has his manners. A real gentleman ought to -know his manners, and also not to swear. A gentleman might be walking -along a street and meet a young lady, he would go up to her and raise -his hat, and say, good evening dear come along a me she would and when -he left her he would say good night darling, and ask her to meet him at -so-an-so." - - * * * * * - -THAT HALF-HOLIDAY.--A thirteen-year-old's description of a Thursday -half-holiday:--"'Pooh, talk about hot weather, I'm nearly suffocated. -This the exclamation of Fred Brown, one day after dinner. 'Why,' said -Tom, 'its Thursday. I only just thought of it. Where shall we go?' There -was silence for a few minutes, then Alf Jones said: 'Let us hire a boat -and row to Marlow, we can take tea.' A hamper was duly packed and -carried down to the river. A boat was procured, it was in rather a bad -condition, but it was the best to be had. They tossed up as to who -should steer, and it fell to Tom, who knew as much about steering as a -hipopotamus. They divested themselves of their coats and settled down to -work. All went well utell they had gone about half a mile they went bang -into some rushes, much to the anoyance of the frogs. When they looked -round for damage they caught sight of Tom's hat float calmly down the -stream. Of course the owner had to rescue it. They extricated themselves -after a while, and resumed the journey without any very terrible -accident, of course catching crabs is nothing. When they had been rowing -for about a hour in the hot sun, they thought Marlow a bit too far for -them, so they landed on an island with some nice trees on it, with the -intention of having tea. They set to work to get out the hamper from the -boat. The spirit bottle, pulled out of a heap of sandwiches, into which -it had fallen, was found to be half full of water, and the spirit gone -and everything else was thoroughly soaked. At Fred Brown's suggestion -the sandwiches were put in the sun to dry. When they were 'cooked' they -sat down to a tealess tea with good appetites. Tom Smith took a sandwich -and had a good mouthful of it, but it did not stay in his mouth long he -said it tasted like a lump of methylated spirit, so nobody had any tea. -They thought it was time to get back. It was a fairly easy time going -back, they were going with the stream. They went home and had some -supper, presently Fred Brown began to groan, when they asked him what -was the matter he said, 'I--I only dr-drank some s-spirit and water, I -th-thought it was le-lemonade, O--O.' Next morning everybody agreed that -they had thoroughly enjoyed themselves." - - * * * * * - -THE LION.--"The lion is the king of all animals. It is very fierce. Lion -has very big pause. It has a dark brown skin. It is got a peace of heir -on its tale and all round its next. The lion life on men and other -things. When the lion is young it is called a cube. The lion are mostly -found in woulds out in other parts of the world. There life are very -unsafe because hunter go out killed them. The lion is very useful. Its -skin is used for making firs and other thing. Its tees are very useful. -The lion is used for showes. It is used in Inder." - - * * * * * - -A SHIPWRECK.--"A shipwreck is an awful thing for sometimes you get wet -and sometimes you get dround and sometimes you get burnt but the last is -the worst. Once a big lyner got upset with a mortal wound in her side -but all the people was saved bar one and he got eat. Sharks and whales -feed on dead bodies and sometimes they eat them alive. We should never -eat fish what eat us because their canybals just like savages. Sailors -catch sharks with a leg of pork and a thick string which they cut up for -whalebone bone and blubber to make train oil." - - * * * * * - -THE CAMEL.--"He is called the ship of the desart because he runs over -the sand like a ship and dont sink in. He runs different to the horse -because he lifts up two legs on one side of his body and then two on the -other. He has about a hundred stumics and each holds about a quart so -when his master kills him he can have a good drink. His hump is made of -fat and he eats this when he cant get grass or hay. Some camels are not -camels because he has two humps and his hair dont grow all over him and -were it dont is called calluses [callosities] because it kneels down and -wears away. The Arab loves his steed better than his wife and in our -books theres a piece about him called the Arab and his steed. His master -was a prisoner and his faithful camel took him round the waist and bore -him swiftly to his morning friends." - - * * * * * - -THE CRUSADES.--"The crusades were a body of men women and children who -followed the red cross. They were invented by Richard the I and flocked -in thousands round him to go to Egypt and some were stricken with deadly -disease but they marched on. Then they began to lessen in number and -fell gradually under the burning sands of Egypt and laden heavy with -heavy armour. At last Peter the Hermit cited Cairo but the Catholicks -bore down on him and he retreated. After travelling about for many weary -months he joined an opera company and was afterwards buried in -Westminster Abbey." - - * * * * * - -ABOUT THE INTERJECTION.--"An interjection is a shout or something said -by a person too surprised or pained or frightened to make a sentence of -his thoughts. It is not quite a human language. The lower animals say -nothing else but interjections. Accordingly, ill-natured and cross -people by their interjections come very near to beasts." - - * * * * * - -CONCERNING ROBERT.--"Policemen are men who are employed by the -Government, to control the boys, ruffians, and all individuals which -annoy or illuse the public. The boys politely term them 'coppers,' the -burglars 'cops' or 'narks.' The cooks are very fond of him, and call him -'dear Robert,' and now they are going 'on strike' cooky will mourn, and -the uneaten rabbit-pie will go into the dustbin, and there will be quite -a gloom over the kitchens of Belgravia. There will be no kissing over -the railings, and if Bobby don't keep his eyes open Tommy Atkins will -collar the cake. Policemen must be over or a certain size, and must have -(I believe) big pedular extremities, as all policemen's feet seem to be -large. They have a fźte, not foot, once a year, and then cooky gets a -day off. Then they have kiss-in-the-ring, and other games, which -introduce a mutual contraction of the Orbicularis Oris." - - * * * * * - -WHAT I SHALL DO IN THE HOLIDAYS.--"What I expect to do in my holidays is -the greater part of the time to mind the baby. Two years and a-half old. -Just old enough to run into a puddle or to fall downstairs. Oh! what a -glorious occupation! my aunt or Sunday-school teacher would say, but it -is all very well for them, they ought to have a turn with him. I am -going to have a game at tying doors, tying bundles of mud in paper and -then drop it on the pavement. I shall buy a bundle of wood and tie a -piece of cord to it, and when someone goes to pick it up, lo! it has -vanished--not lost, but gone before. I shall go butterfly catching, and -catch some fish at Snob's Brighton (Lea Bridge). I shall finish up by -having a whacking, tearing my breeches, giving a boy two black eyes, and -then wake up on Monday morning refreshed and quite happy to make the -acquaintance of Mr. ----'s cane." The following, written a little later, -will convince every London teacher that R.H. had practised fishing in -the New River:--"Man goes fishing, takes his rod and enough tackle to -make a telegraph wire and starts on his piscatorial expedition. He -arrives, and happy man is he if he has not forgot something, a hook, his -bait, or his float. He sits there, apparently contented; he catches a -frog or some other fine specimen of natural history, and a cold, and a -jolly good roasting from his bitter half, when he arrives with some -mackerel which he had bought at the fishmonger's. He, poor man, did not -know that they were sea-fish, but his wife did. When juveniles go -fishing they take a willow, their ma's reel of best six-cord, a pickle -jar, and a few worms, and proceed to the New River happy. When they -arrive they catch about fifty (a small thousand they call it), and are -thinking of returning home, when a gent with N. R. on his hat, and a -good ash stick in his hand, comes up. 'Ullo there,' says he, 'what are -you doing there?' 'Fishing, sir,' answer they meekly. The man then takes -away their fish and rod, gives them some whales instead (on their back). -And they return home sadder but wiser boys." - - - - - CHAPTER V. - - THE RELIGIOUS DIFFICULTY. - - TEACHER: "_On what occasion did Our Lord use the words, - 'With God all things are possible'?_" - - SMALL CHILD: "_To the woman who had seven husbands!_" - - -It would be a real novelty to write a book having even the most remote -reference to education without bringing this in. But lest the headline -should terrify the reader with the fearful apprehension that it is my -purpose to plunge once again into the bitter and apparently never-ebbing -waters of religious strife, let me hasten to say that I have no such -maleficent intention. In the classification of my budget of anecdotes I -find I have an abundant selection of those which have arisen in -connection with the daily Scripture lesson; and, as I have already said, -they represent the richest harvest of all. The reasons for this I have -endeavoured to set forth. It only remains for me, in submitting the -following stories, to add that no irreverence is intended. There are, I -know, some curiously constituted people who find offence in the most -ingenuous laugh if provoked by what they deem a sacred subject. I would -respectfully yet firmly adjure them not to read the stories which -immediately follow. - - * * * * * - -THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT--NEW STYLE.--In the first place the daily _viva -voce_ recital of the Commandments leads to quaint distortions when the -youngster comes to commit to paper what he has been saying day by day -for a year or so. Here are two startling variants on the Seventh of the -selfsame Commandments-- - - "_Thou shalt not kick a duckery._" - - "_Thou shalt not come into the country._" - - * * * * * - -SOME NEW VERSIONS OF THE TENTH.--Here is a weird distortion of the -Tenth:-- - -"_Thou shalt not cumt thy neighbours house, thou shalt not cumt thy -neighbours wife, mornin' circus, mornin' 'oss, mornin' ass, mor anything -that is his._" - -Quaint in its way, but not so fearfully and wonderfully contrived, is -the following misquotation also of the Tenth Commandment:-- - -"Thou shalt not covet ... nor his ox, nor his ass, nor anything -_dangerous_!" - - * * * * * - -"THOU SHA'T NOT BOW DEAN!"--Still affecting the Commandments, though a -story of another colour, is the following:-- - -In a village in Yorkshire dwelt the two granddaughters of a former -vicar. These good ladies often met in the streets the children who -attended the village school. On such occasions they expected the latter -to acknowledge them--the boys by raising their hats and the girls by -curtseying. Now one sturdy urchin often disregarded the ladies, and they -accordingly spoke to his father respecting his conduct. The parent -questioned the boy, and soon found out that the complaint laid against -him was true. On being asked why he did not lift his cap, the culprit -replied, "Ah dean't think ah ou't ta dea sa. _Dean't us larn at t' -skeal, 'Thou sha't not bow dean ta ony graven image'?_" - - * * * * * - -IN BRAID YORKSHIRE.--The diocesan inspector was questioning a class of -boys about the story of Joseph as a slave, interpreter, &c., and -incidentally asked the following question: "What did Joseph's father -think when the brothers brought Joseph's coat covered with blood?" The -reply of a small boy quite upset the official's gravity: "Please, sir, -_he thought a coo had tupped him_!" - - * * * * * - -ON BREAD AND CHICKEN.--Imagine the surprise of the schoolmistress when a -little lad, in giving his version of the "Temptation," informed her that -Christ partook of _bread and chicken_ in the wilderness. Judicious -questioning elicited the fact that the young hopeful had based his -opinion upon two extracts: "_Man shall not live by bread alone_," and -"_Get the hens, Satan_!" - - * * * * * - -THREE EVILS.--It was the annual Scripture examination, and the inspector -was questioning a class upon the Catechism. "It was promised for you in -your baptism," said the official inquisitor, "that you would fight -against three great evils. Tell me what they are." "_My godfathers and -godmothers_," was the reply of one youth. - - * * * * * - -IN THE APPLICATION THEREOF.--The school had been closely questioned by -the inspector in Scripture, and at last a bright idea seemed to strike -him, for he said: "Suppose Christ came into this room now and offered to -perform a miracle for you, what would you ask him to do?" There was -silence for some moments, and then up went a hand. The inspector asked -for a reply, which was: "_Cast out a devil, sir!_" - - * * * * * - -A BASTE BUT NOT A BULL.--The following occurred in a Dublin school -during the Scripture lesson:--"What does the Bible say will happen to -the proud?" asked the examiner. "_Please, sir, they will become -animals_," replied one bright little chap. "Oh, that's a curious answer. -What text have you to prove it?" queried the interrogator. "He that -humbleth himself shall be exalted, and he that exalteth himself _shall -be a baste_!" promptly replied one of the youngest of Ould Oireland's -hopefuls. - - * * * * * - -THE FLESH POTS.--A class was in the habit of singing at close of school -the well-known Grace: "These creatures bless," &c. Having some doubts as -to the accuracy of the words being sung by one boy, the master asked him -to repeat them. He was not a little astonished to hear recited the -words-- - - "These creatures bless and grant that we - _May feast on pounds of rice with Thee_." - - * * * * * - -OVERHEARD IN THE PLAYGROUND.--_Small lad to a friend_: "I say, Jack, -what do you think our teacher told us this morning?" "I dunno." "Well, -he said there was once a man going down from Jerusalem to Jericho, _and -as he was going the thorns sprang up and choked him_!" - - * * * * * - -SAMIVEL, BEWARE!--Inspector: "Why was Elisha sorry when the Shunamite's -son was dead?" Ingenious lad, who has just been devouring Mr. Pickwick: -"_Because he didn't like being left alone with a widow._" (Inspector -smiled.) - - * * * * * - -SOME UNFAMILIAR EXHORTATIONS.--Children, as I have said, often get hold -of the wrong words in prayers and hymns. For instance, one child was -heard to pray: "Forgive me all that I have done _on Christmas Day_" -(amiss this day). Another was heard to plead: "_And give us an eagle_" -(and deliver us from evil). While a third after meals repeated: "_Let -manners to us all be given_" (Let manna to our souls be given). - - * * * * * - -NOAH'S FIRST TASK.--At a recent Scripture examination the examiner asked -the following question in the infants' class: "What was the first thing -Noah did when he came out of the Ark?" A tiny girl put up her hand, and -on being asked, said: "_Please, sir, he buried all the drownded -people._" - - * * * * * - -WHY A DOORKEEPER?--Teacher: "What did David mean when he said he'd -rather be a doorkeeper of the House of the Lord?" Boy: "Because, if he -was a doorkeeper, _he could walk about outside while the sermon was -being preached_." - - * * * * * - -A QUESTION OF A MAIN DRAINAGE.--Subject: Scripture lesson on "The -Flood." Teacher had explained how it rained and rained until the tops of -the highest hills were covered. Pupil of inquiring mind suddenly puts up -her hand and asks: "_Teacher, wern't there no sinks?_" - - * * * * * - -AN ALTOGETHER UNEXPECTED REPLY.--A teacher who had given a lesson on the -Birth of Christ and the Virgin Mary was proceeding to question the -children, and asked: "Who was the mother of Jesus?" To her great -astonishment, a small girl chirped out: "_Please, m', the blessed bird -canary!_" - - * * * * * - -THE LITTLE "DOWN-ALONG'S" DOVE.--The inspector was examining a class of -Westcountry infants, and had asked: "When our Lord was baptised, what -bird came down on His head?" One little Devonshire dumpling at once -retorted: "_Please, sir, a little yeller-hammer, sir!_" - - * * * * * - -THE PART THAT NEVER DIES.--During a Scripture lesson a teacher of little -dots was greatly surprised upon asking: "What part of you is it that -never dies?" to receive from an excited youngster, "_The Holy Ghost._" - - * * * * * - -WHO WAS SORRY?--A class was being questioned on the prodigal son's -return. The teacher: "Who was sorry when the prodigal son returned?" -Little Boy (after deep thought): "_The fatted calf, sir._" - - * * * * * - -ABOUT ELI.--Teacher: "Tell all you know of Eli." Small Girl: "Eli was a -very old man, and Eli was very sick _and Eli brought up Samuel_." - - * * * * * - -A HOMELY VIEW.--Head mistress: "What was the first thing that the little -boy Samuel did when he got up in the morning?" Cheery little mother: -"_Please, mum, he carried up a cup of tea to Eli!_" - - * * * * * - -MIXED.--A small boy, who had been reading about Sir Walter Raleigh and -the Virgin Queen, in writing of Elijah, said: "As Elijah went up to -Heaven he dropped his mantle, _and Queen Elizabeth walked over it_." - - * * * * * - -"I BELIEVE."--"Write down what you are saying," said a teacher once to a -pupil who with others was reciting the Apostles' Creed. "Suffered under -Pontius Pilate," came out "Suffered under _bunch of violets!_" At the -little village school of Bonchurch, Isle of Wight, it was once set down -"_Suffered under Bonchurch Pilot!_" - - * * * * * - -"AND TO BED YOU GO."--"Tell us a story, please," said the little ones -once to their teacher on Friday afternoon. She, consenting, asked -whether they wanted a new one or an old one. "Cinderella," said one; -"Aladdin," asked another. Then from a rather heavy boy, "_I want the -tale of Citrate of Magnesia and to bed you go._" She paused in complete -obfuscation. Then a sharp little girl said: "That's wrong, governess, it -wasn't Citrate of Magnesia, but it _was_ to bed you go, _and they were -all in the fire and not burnt_." The teacher recognised the Bible -incident of _Shadrach, Meshach, and Abed-nego_! - - * * * * * - -WHAT HAPPENED.--Scene: Class of infants and Standard I. Time: Scripture -lesson. Teacher, impressively (to children anxiously watching--in -imagination--the development of an old-world tragedy): "Then Abraham -having bound his son Isaac and laid him on the altar, took the knife in -his hand--when lo!--What happened?" Big dunce from the gallery (in a -voice hoarse with excitement and pent-up feeling): "_Hisaac 'ollered -out._" - - * * * * * - -BIBLICAL CRICKET.--The vicar recently came down to distribute the prizes -to the successful athletes at the school sports. In his prefatory -remarks, he mentioned that games were not unknown even in scriptural -times, and asked if any boy could furnish a text to prove this. -"Yissir," said one urchin, "our Lord said to a team of His disciples -when they was agoing to play in a cricket match: 'Beware of the _'leven_ -of the Pharisees.'" - - * * * * * - -THE ONE THING NECESSARY.--Venerable Archdeacon: "Now, my dear children, -I will ask you a few questions in your Catechism. Which of you can tell -me the two things necessary in Baptism?" "Quite right, 'Water.' Water is -one thing, and what is the other? What! can none of you think what else -is necessary? Well, little girl, what do you say?" Little Girl: -"_Please, sir, a baby._" - - * * * * * - -DIVISION OF LABOUR.--The subject of a Scripture lesson to a class of -girls in Standards V. and VI. happened one day to be the Resurrection. -Whether the curate, fresh from the 'Varsity, failed to make the matter -interesting because of faulty arrangement of matter or indifferent -method is not recorded. But the girls did not show much attention while -the changes which are to come to our vile bodies were being tabulated. -So, turning to one girl more conspicuously inattentive than the rest, -the curate sharply asked: "Mary Jane! who made your vile body?" -"_Please, sir, mother made the body and I made the skirt_," replied Mary -Jane. - - * * * * * - -TAKING THE BONES.--A curate had been talking diligently for half an hour -to a class of school children, but their attention was not very freely -given. The subject was "The Doings of the Children of Israel," and very -special mention had been made of how they had been commanded to take the -bones of Joseph with them when they made their exodus from the land of -Egypt. Suddenly pouncing upon one boy who was particularly inattentive, -the curate said: "Whose bones did the children of Israel take with them -out of Egypt, Sam?" Sam was nonplussed for a moment, then a brilliant -idea struck him, and his answer came out triumphantly: "_Their own!_" - - * * * * * - -MOSES AND THE BURNING BUSH.--The teacher was one morning giving a lessen -on "Moses and his talk with God," introducing, of course, the mystery of -the burning bush not being consumed, and laying particular stress on the -reverent attitude of Moses in taking off his shoes before approaching -the sacred place. At the close of the lesson the teacher questioned his -pupils to gauge their interest, and among other queries he submitted the -following: "Why did Moses take off his shoes before approaching the -bush?" Judge of his consternation when he received the following reply -from a little fellow of eight years: "_Please, sir, to warm ees feet!_" - - * * * * * - -CLEVER TEACHER.--The vicar of a Somerset parish was noted for his -extremely precise enunciation. He was in the habit of taking the -Scripture lessons in the village school, and had spent some time on "The -Lives of the Patriarchs." One morning he questioned a class upon the -story of Jacob. "What did Isaac tell Jacob to do when he left home after -obtaining the blessing?" asked the vicar, pointing to a dull, big boy. -"He told un to pay the man, zur," was the response. "To pay the man!" -replied the vicar wonderingly; "what man?" "Please, zur, I doant 'zacly -remember what his other name were, _but 'twere Dan somebody or other_." -The vicar lost the point of the answer; but the teacher, with keen -appreciation, quoted softly to herself, "_Arise, go to Pa-dan-aram_," -and she thought the boy was not wholly to blame for thinking that _Dan -Aram_ was a man, and ought to be paid. - - * * * * * - -ROUGH ON THE DEACON.--"Explain," said the teacher, "all you can about -the words Bishop, Priest, and Deacon." "I never saw a Bishop," wrote one -hopeful. "A Priest is a man in the Old Testament, _and a Deacon is a -thing you pile up on the top of a hill and set fire to it_!" - - * * * * * - -THE THIRTEENTH APOSTLE.--The question was: "How many Apostles were -there?" "Thirteen," said one little chap. "Thirteen!" repeated the -teacher in astonishment. "I thought there were only twelve!" "St. -Matthew," replied the boy, "tells us the names of twelve, and St. John -gives us the name of the other one--_Verily, that Jesus used to talk to -so much_." - - - - - CHAPTER VI. - - THE FOND PARENT. - - "_Political Economy is the science that teaches us to get the - greatest benefit out of the least possible amount of honest - labour._"--WEARY WILLY, JUNIOR. - - -There is no more universal fallacy than the firmly-rooted prejudice that -finds a comment in the old tag that "Everybody's goose is a swan." How -impregnably established is this conviction in the parental mind--when in -contemplation of the capacity of its wonderful offspring--only teachers -know. Eternal are the complaints that whilst Jimmy Miggs has been -promoted to the Third Standard "Our Willie" remains in the Second! And -brilliant is the diplomacy that is needed to make the situation -parentally endurable. Then there is the irate parent, the sacred person -of whose immaculate hopeful has been gently touched with the -discriminating hand of discreet personal chastisement. Ah me! What havoc -such an one can work with the calm serenity of the schoolroom. Strangely -enough, it is amongst the thriftless and self-indulgent minority of -working classes--those who shockingly neglect and ill-treat their -children themselves--that the teacher finds the greatest trouble in this -matter of objection even to the most moderate and wisely-administered -corporal punishment. - -For myself, I hit upon an excellent expedient when the peace of the -school was suddenly ravished by the sudden and unbidden entrance of some -angry "mother." With great suavity I offered her a chair and -considerately pressed her into it. If she could be induced to rehearse -her complaints whilst still sitting down the fires of her fury would -soon flicker out. Indeed, I have never yet met an angry woman in any -walk of life who could sufficiently express her feelings whilst sitting -down. _Verb. sap._ - -The parental "Note" is often very amusing, sometimes abusive, and -occasionally clever and caustic. Excuses for absence, which involve a -reference to ailments with rather unspellable names are, naturally -enough, badly boggled. Rheumatism, Neuralgia, Influenza, Lumbago, -Inflammation, Diarrhoea--what tribulation these half-dozen words -represent to be sure! And what excruciating distortions the parental -note bears upon its usually rough and crumpled face. I remember -_neuralgia_ once being rendered "_real raw jaw_," which is not so far -out after all! "Very bad with _New Roger_" is not so near a shot. I also -recall a note of excuse that informed the teacher that Charlie couldn't -come to school "_because he has got haricot veins_!" This is as curious -as "_In bed with Piper's Dance_!" I have seen a "note," too, which -speaks of Mary being "_down with an illustrated throat, with glaciers on -both sides_!" And, finally, there was once the alarming case of Alfred, -who had "gone to the hospital to have some _aneroids_ taken from his -nose." But let a few of these little missives speak for themselves:-- - - * * * * * - -A NOVEL MODE OF TRAVELLING.--The following excuse for lateness from a -Dover parent is very appropriate to a seaside town: "Dear miss, please -excuse mary being late as she _as been out on a herring_." - - * * * * * - -MONEY MARKET DOWN.--Here is a verbatim copy of a note received: "Tom is -not fit to come to school yet, as doctor Blight said I have to tell you -as they have _Inflamation in the Consols_. John and Harry." - - * * * * * - -ONE FOR THE TEACHERS.--The following note is from an irate parent: -"Willie ---- was absent From school this morning because Is mother is at -market and I have no one here to do anything as you Do know I have Told -you before know kindly state the Reason That you and all of The Teachers -was absent from school for a month without asking our leave. Mr. A." - - * * * * * - -"HARY AND EMENA."--Please sir hary and emena are unfit to attenion -school hary is got to go to the infirny with Exmoor and emena all over -him and not able to come I have seen Mr. Bennett." This excuse was to -convey the information that Harry and Emma had gone to the infirmary -because both were suffering from eczema, and that the mother had seen -the attendance officer (Mr. Bennett) about it. - - * * * * * - -TO INTRODUCE MAUD P.--A new scholar recently appeared at a Board School -with the accompanying letter: "Maud P. will be 6 years of age next -january 30th 1905 God Willen it she live she have not atended Scoole -Much as she is Never well far lange toGether she suffer with a bad feat -she have had 2 wounds an it if you like to lett she take off her sliper -an shoken you Can see it i fear it will break aut again as it is Very -read and inflamed at Night and she Complained of pain it was in the -furst place threw a kick fraw another Child at W---- P---- Scoole the -Cause kindle see she is not hurt if you plese and Not to wipe she as she -is a such a timed Sence Child ben ill so Much have rather spoilt her but -she is i trust honest and truful and laven so kindness will do ware -sharpness faile she only stain with Me to see if she Gett on all rite as -her home is 2 Miles from a Scoole at ---- her parents keep she i am her -Grandmother & Canat see Very well so i fear My riten will be hard to -read." - - * * * * * - -PARENTAL RAGE.--"If you please A---- B---- what made you not give F---- -C---- his ticket on Friday for he had been 10 times so he ought to have -had it so if you please dont to give him it on Monday morning i shall go -farther to work with it. for i think i know more about school then you -do for i when their long before you did he as been to school all the -week so he as earnt his ticket so if you dont give it to him by fair -means you shall by foul so you can please yourself for you are not -master nor misstres yet and i dont think that ever you will be we have -to pay rates so we have to pay part for the school and it was down right -a shame that he was not put up when the others was for he is always at -school wet or fine bad or well he never stop away their was never such -teachers as you had to teach me when i went to school they know which -way to teach a child and that is more than you do if he his not put up -before long he shall go to another school for he does reading and -writing very well at home at night so by that means he must do it good -at school. so if he dont bring his ticket home with him on Monday dinner -time you can look for some body to make you give it up for it was not in -your place at all to keep it i know school rules." - - * * * * * - -DROPPED INTO POETRY.--The following couplet was once received in reply -to an inquiry as to the reason for absence:-- - - "_Grim tyrant of the powers that be, - Take note! The lad had leave from me._" - -On another occasion the reply came back:-- - - "_George stayed away to make the hay - To please his own dear mother, - And you can take the case to law - To save all future bother._" - - - - - CHAPTER VII. - - LITTLE SCIENTISTS AT SEA. - - "_Gravity was discovered by Isaac Walton. It is chiefly - noticeable in the autumn when the apples are falling from the - leaves._"--LITTLE JIM, aged 10. - - -"_If the earth did not revolt it would be either all equal days or all -equal nights_," is the deliberate judgment of one young geographer; and -the state of mental obfuscation here discovered finds a counterpart in -many geographical answers given in the earlier days. _Sodom and -Gomorrah_ have been described as _the two most famous volcanoes in the -world_; and the Nile has been mentioned as _rising in Mungo Park_. -_Penzance_ has been spoken of as "_the place where the pirates come -from_"; and the Red Indians have been located as coming from _Red -India_. Here is a brief list of what I may call geographical "howlers." - - * * * * * - -IN THE GEOGRAPHY LESSON.--"The sun never sets on English possessions, -because the sun sets in the West, and all the English possessions are in -the North, South, and East." - - * * * * * - -"The Arctic regions are neither hot nor cold. They abound in birds of -beautiful plumage and of no song, such as the elephant and the camel." - - * * * * * - -"A table-land gets its name from its steep sides and flat top. It's all -right when once you are up on the top, but it's no joke getting up." - - * * * * * - -"The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends -towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and Nature -abhors a vacuum. Gravitation at the earth keeps the water from rising -all the way to the moon. I forget whether the sun joins in this fight." - - * * * * * - -"What divides England from Ireland?" asked the inspector, who was -elderly and deaf. The teacher trembled with apprehension as she heard a -boy answer: "_The Land of Goshen, sir_." The inspector was obviously -pleased, and said approvingly: "Quite right! Quite right! _The Atlantic -Ocean!_" - - * * * * * - -Some time ago the _Stella_, a South-Western Railway packet, struck on a -rock near one of the Channel Islands. In an examination on General -Knowledge I asked the name of the rock. A boy replied: "_Rock of Ages_." - - * * * * * - -SOME HISTORY LESSON BLUNDERS.--Now let me turn briefly to the History -lesson and note the curious blunders and anachronisms that a modern -rendering or a juvenile misapprehension of old-world facts reveal. Let -me set out a few instances:-- - -"The cause of the Peasants' Revolt was that a shilling poultice was put -on everybody over sixteen." - - * * * * * - -"The poll-tax was to be paid by everyone who had a head." - - * * * * * - -"The Fire of London, although looked on at first as a calamity, really -did a great deal of good. It purified the city from the dregs of the -plague and burnt down eighty-nine churches." - - * * * * * - -"King James I. was very unclean in his habits: he never washed his hands -and married Anne of Denmark." - - * * * * * - -"Henry VIII. was a very good king. He liked plenty of money. He had -plenty of wives, and died of ulcers in the legs." - - * * * * * - -"Edward III. would have been king of France if his mother had been a -man." - - * * * * * - -"The conquest of Ireland was begun in 1170 and is still going on." - - * * * * * - -"The Pilgrim Fathers were the parents of the young men who took journeys -to the Holy Land in the Crusades. They had to give an allowance to their -godly sons while they were away in the East. But they never grudged it, -because it was an honour to be a Pilgrim's father." - -"Sir Philip Sydney gave the last drop of water in his jug to a dying -soldier on the field of Waterloo, as was mentioned in the Duke of -Wellington's despatches." - -"John Milton is the celebrated author of the excursion, and lived -chiefly in the lake country near Carlyle." - -_Teacher_: "In whose reign was that palace built?" _Scholar_: "Edward -the Confectioner's." - -"George I. was the son of the Electric Sophia." - -"Isaac Walton was such a good fisherman that he was called 'the -judicious hooker.'" - - * * * * * - -IN THE SCIENCE CLASS.--Not less amusing are the mistakes which arise -during the "elementary science" lesson. Here are a few cases in point:-- - -"A vacuum is nothing shut up in a box. They have a way of pumping out -the air. When all the air and everything else is shut out, naturally -they are able to shut in nothing, where the air was before." - -"A drug is any wholesome vegetable food for taking once in a way but not -for regular food." - - * * * * * - -WITH THE LITTLE BABBAGES.--"Things which are double each other are -greater than anything else." - -"Circumference is a straight line round the middle of a plane." - -"Two straight lines cannot enclose a space unless they are crooked." - -_Question_: "If the sum of two numbers is a multiple of ten, what -relation is there between the figures in the units place in the squares -of the two numbers?" _Answer_: "(1) The same relation. (2) Ought is the -relation existing between them." - - * * * * * - -DOMESTIC ECONOMY.--_Question_: "Give directions for sweeping a room." -_Answer_: "Cover up the furniture with dust sheets, scatter damp tea -leaves over the carpet, then carefully sweep the room into the dust pan -and throw it out of the window." - - * * * * * - -The following notes are selected from the answers given at a recent -examination of girls between twelve and sixteen years of age:--"Cheese -is as wholesome as 8½ pounds of beef.--Beef is a useful article of food -obtained from different animals, such as the cow, sheep, pig, &c.--The -lean of beef belongs to the animal kingdom, and the fat to the vegetable -kingdom.--Butter is good for the brain.--Milk is called a model food -because it models the form of the child.--Without eating potatoes we -would become very delicate, because potatoes are very necessary to -sustain human life.--_Pot-au-feu_ is mashed-up meat.--_Crétins_ are -generally served up with green pea soup.--If a man lives without food -for a considerable time, say sixty days, he will die at the end of a -month; or if the constitution is delicate, he may only live for a week, -or less." - - - - - CHAPTER VIII. - - A MISCELLANEOUS COLLECTION. - - "_The Triple Alliance is Faith, Hope, and Charity!_"--EMMA JANE. - - -THE BEST SIDE.--A penny was the object in question. The children had -examined its superscription--obverse and reverse, when little Polly -shyly said, "I like this side best, teacher"--pointing to Neptune and -the shield. "Why, Polly," demanded the teacher. "_Cause you can see the -Queen riding on a bicycle!_" - - * * * * * - -JONAH'S PRAYER.--It was an infants' class of forty children or thereby. -The young teacher had found the way to the hearts of her pupils, and the -children quite forgot they were engaged in work. Everything she said and -did was real and right in their eyes, and her Bible stories were a -source of wondrous delight. They would not have been astonished had they -met Abraham or even some of the antediluvians in the street. The head -master, on visiting the room, found them all interested in the career of -Jonah, and told them he would come again to learn what they could tell -about the errant prophet. As he expected, he found the story familiar to -them, and so, with the view partly of trying their power of expression -and partly of witnessing the perplexity of the embryo scholars, he asked -them to tell him Jonah's prayer while he was in the whale. Words to -express their pent-up knowledge failed most of them, but one more -vigorous than the rest relieved himself thus: "_Jonah just said, 'God, -lat me oot o' this.'_" - - * * * * * - -"WHEN THEY'RE RUNNING ABOUT."--It is the venerable old question, "What -is a noun?" that has drawn out the hoary answer, "Name of an animal, -person, place, or thing." Of course the inspector follows up with the -almost equally antique "Am _I_ a noun?" and the little fellow tumbles -into the creaking old trap with a cheery "Yes, sir." "Are you a noun?" -proceeds the inspector, and the "Yes, sir" of the reply shows very -little loss of confidence. "Are all the boys in the class nouns?" The -sturdy little grammarian feels from the tone that someone has blundered, -and the "Yes, sir" this time has an uncertain sound. Everything up to -this point has been done in the most approved fencing style--three cuts -up and one down; all the moves are as hackneyed as in the King's -Knight's Pawn opening. It is only when the inspector is about to effect -Fool's Mate----But let me give it as it happens. _Inspector_: "What is a -noun?" _Boy_: "Name of an animal, person, place, or thing."--_I._: "Am -_I_ a noun?" _B._: "Yes, sir."--_I._: "Are you a noun?" _B._: "Yes, -sir."--_I._: "Are all the boys in the class nouns?" _B._ (a little -doubtfully): "Yes, sir."--_I._: "And are all the boys running about in -the playground nouns?" _B._ (brightening up): "Please, sir, no, sir. -_When they're running about they're verbs!_" - - * * * * * - -WHERE THE OSTRICH LAYS ITS EGGS.--A class was being questioned by H.M. -inspector on the ostrich. He asked the size of the ostrich egg, but -could only get "Very big" or "Very large" for answers, so he asked them -to mention something that would show him _how_ big they were. After some -hesitation, one boy put his hand up, and when asked, replied: "Please, -sir, as big as your head." The inspector laughed, and then asked: Where -does the ostrich deposit its eggs?" Again the same boy put up his hand -and looked very anxious to be asked. When the inspector said, "Well, my -little man, where?" the boy replied, "_Please, sir, in our school -museum!_" - - * * * * * - -"SUFFIN' RED."--In Norwich tomatoes are called by the ordinary folk -"marters." This by way of prologue. A young curate spent twenty minutes -explaining to a young class what a martyr was. "Now," said he, "what is -a Martyr?" The answer he received and did not expect was: "_Please, sir, -suffin' red what you eat._" - - * * * * * - -"HE HASN'T TO EAT SWEETS."--"Now, Johnnie," said a teacher, "if I gave -you a dozen sweets and you divided them equally between your brother and -yourself, how many would you give him?" "_Please, sir, none sir! Cos' -mother says he hasn't to eat sweets when he has worms._" - - * * * * * - -HE KNEW.--H.M. Inspector (examining village school): "What is the -opposite of a 'spendthrift?'" No answer. "Well, what would you call a -man who sends you on errands and gives you nothing for going?" Boy: -"_Parson, sir._" [Confusion of parson who was present and had gained a -reputation for close-fistedness.] - - * * * * * - -JACK'S PRAYER.--Little Jack's father was visiting London and -Christmastide was approaching. He had promised to bring a toy train for -his little son as a present from Father Christmas. The day that the -father was to travel Jack prayed-- - - "God bless papa, and bring him home safely, - _And--and--and his luggage_!" - - * * * * * - -UNDER A NEW NAME.--First class had taken poetry for the year from -Scott's "Marmion." In repeating simultaneously, one girl, whose -understanding of the sense must have been very hazy, amused her -classmates by repeating instead of-- - - "Where's Harry Blount, Fitz-Eustace, where?" - "_Where's Harry Brown which used to swear?_" - - * * * * * - -THE RAISON D'ETRE OF THE NOSE.--At a visit of one of the inspectors a -"chat" had been going on with the babies about "The Elephant and its -Trunk," and at the finish the H.M.I. pounced upon the accepted duffer of -the class with "Now, my dear, you shall tell me what your nose is for," -and was staggered with the reply, "_Us haves it to wipe, sir?_" - - * * * * * - -A GOOD REASON.--A short time ago a teacher was taking a lesson on the -use of the hyphen. Having written a number of examples on the -blackboard, the first of which was "bird-cage," he asked the boys to -give a reason for putting the hyphen between "bird" and "cage." After a -short silence one boy, who is among the dunces, held up his hand and -said, "_It is for the bird to perch on, sir._" - - * * * * * - -WHY THE KITTEN DIED.--Visit of grandma--both four-year-old twins at -once: "Grandma, Ninny's dead." Grandma, surprised and sorry, "Poor -Ninny, he must have been poisoned?" Great burst of grief from both -twins. Then a sudden lull from one of them. "Don't cry, Ella; don't cry -so much! '_He died to save us all!_'" [They had been to a children's -service with the maid on Good Friday.] - - * * * * * - -WHERE THE SNOW COMES FROM.--The other day a master visited the infant -room during a snowstorm. He was curious to know what ideas the little -ones had of snow, and questioned them about it. One little girl of five -volunteered the information that the snow was swept out of heaven. "But -how does it get into heaven?" asked the master. "Please, sir, _the -angels scratch it off their wings_," said the tiny tot. - - * * * * * - -BLISS.--_Teacher_ (word-building): "Quite right! L-i-s-s spells _liss_, -and if I put 'b' in front what word do I get?" _Small Boy_: "Bliss." -_Teacher_: "Yes; but that's a new word to you, and so I must tell you -what it means. It means _peace_ or _happiness_ or _comfort_. Now make me -a sentence containing this new word _bliss_." _Small Boy_: "My big -brother had a _blister_ on his toe." - - * * * * * - -FOR THE PSYCHOLOGIST.--Here are four replies that well repay -consideration:-- - -_Antidote_: A silly ant. - -_Oblivious_: Without a liver. - -_Sciatica_: A sigh from the head. - -_Anchorite_: A good man who anchored himself to one place. - - * * * * * - -WHY HE LAUGHED.--The master of a school had been much annoyed by a trick -played upon him by one of his boys. At last he thought he had caught the -offender and severely chastised him. To his surprise, the boy, instead -of resenting the chastisement, burst out laughing. The master, in a tone -of anger mingled with surprise, said: "How dare you laugh, sir? Why are -you so doing?" The boy, trying hard to suppress his laughter, said: -"_Cos, please sir, you are hitting the wrong boy._" - - * * * * * - -THE NATIONAL ANTHEM.--A little Yorkshire patriot of ten years gave the -following written version of "God Save the King":-- - - "God save are greasure King, long - leave are noble King, - God save are King. - Sened are Victoria, happy - and glory us - God Save are King." - - * * * * * - -A MODEST REQUEST.--It was "play-time." Wordy warfare was being waged -between two cherubic little brothers of four and five summers. As the -teacher drew near:--"Please, teacher, can Stanley play on my harp?" -cried the bigger. "Yes, I shall! Yes, I shall!" taunted little Stanley, -dancing with mischievous joy. "But, Harold, you haven't a harp," said -the teacher. "When we're in Heaven!" he muttered fiercely. "_He says, -when we're in Heaven he shall play on my harp!_" - - * * * * * - -NOT SO FAR OUT.--At a recent visit of H.M.I. to an Essex school the -children were saying a piece of poetry entitled "The Wind in a Frolic." -In this piece occurs the line: "_So on it went capering and playing its -pranks._" The inspector stopped the class here, and asked the class to -tell him the meaning of capering, and also the name of any animal that -cuts capers. The answers given by several boys were a kitten, a pup, a -goat, a lamb, &c. However, a very happy thought struck one small boy, -who immediately put up his hand and said: "_A motor car!_" - - * * * * * - -THE BEAR SONG.--_Billie_ (aged four): "Mother dear, sing me the bear -song." The fond mother casting about in her mind for the song in -question, but to no avail, began to sing from her customary list in the -hope of hitting the right one, but her efforts were cut short by the -youngster's disapproval. The mother's list of songs becoming exhausted, -she changed from song to hymn, and her efforts were rewarded when she -reached the hymn, "Hark, my soul"; but not until the third verse was -being sung, - - "Can a woman's tender care - Cease toward the child _she bare_," - -did this fond mother appreciate the bear song. - - * * * * * - -MORE WAYS THAN ONE.--The teacher was busy at his desk, trying to -discover the error which prevented the register from balancing, when a -youngster of seven years walked forward with his hand up. "What do you -want?" said the teacher, without turning round. "Please, sir, Jock -Broon's callin' me names," was the reply. "Oh, get away!" exclaimed the -teacher, again settling to his work. He had totalled up to near the top -of the column, when the same youngster again appeared and said: "Please, -sir, Jock's doing it again." The teacher was so annoyed at the second -interruption that he sharply reprimanded "Jock," and threatened to -punish him if he again repeated the offence. Turning to his desk, the -teacher made a determined effort to discover the error in the totals, -when his tormentor again appeared. Seizing the cane, the teacher turned -to him and demanded to know what he wanted. "_Please, sir, Jock's -whistlin' it_," he answered. - - * * * * * - -A MIXED GRILL.--The wife of a duke is a "ducky." - -A veteran is "a man what does hosses." - -Coolies are "men that live in cold countries." - -Mailboats are "boats that only carry men." - -A husbandman is "a man with two wives." - -"The first words of Zacharias on recovering his speech were: 'I am -dumb.'" - -Of course it was a boy who wrote that a graven image is "_an idle maid -with hands_." - -"Six days shalt thy neighbour do all that thou hast to do." - - * * * * * - -"_THEY_ 'AD TO DO IT."--An inspector once asked a teacher during a -lesson in Mental Arithmetic if she ever allowed a pupil to propose -questions to the children. The teacher replied that she had done so. -H.M.I. then asked, "Who would like to ask the other children a -question?" Several hands went up instantly. "Come on, Tommy." Tommy -marched in front of his class with an air of importance and confidence, -born of experience, and blurted out: "A million articles at half-a-crown -each." _Inspector_: "Well, Tommy, what do you make it yourself?" -_Tommy_: "Please, sir, _they_ 'ad to do it, not me." - - * * * * * - -LITTLE JIM.--Some years ago a teacher was hearing a class read the poem -"Little Jim." He had been trying very hard to teach expressive reading. -The children had been brought almost to tears by hearing the teacher -read the verse describing the death scene, when he called on a boy to -read the verse describing the return of the dead child's father. The -reader evidently trusted too much to memory, for, in all earnestness and -with beautiful expression, he read-- - - "He saw that all was over - He knew the child was dead; - He took the candle in his hand - _And walked upstairs to bed._" - - * * * * * - -AN EXCELLENT REASON.--"Who," asked the teacher, "is your favourite -writer?" Johnnie answered, "Samuel." "Why?" replied the teacher. -"_Because_" answered Johnnie, "_I like to read about him!_" - - * * * * * - -WHY YOU COULDN'T.--As an exercise in composition upper standards had -occasionally to write what they could upon a given maxim. The one given -was: "You can't put old heads on young shoulders." One boy gave up his -paper to the master, who, upon scanning it, found the first sentence to -be as follows: "_Of course you can't, and if you did they wouldn't -fit._" - - * * * * * - -SOLD AGAIN.--During the annual examination the children in the Fifth -Standard were asked to give an example of a sentence containing more -than one subject. This, the inspector thought, would constitute a poser. -Instantly, however, up rose a ragged, shock-headed "hoyden," who -straightway began to quote from Browning's "Pied Piper":-- - - "'Great rats, small rats, lean rats, brawny rats, - Brown rats, black rats, grey rats, tawny rats, - Grave old plodders, gay young friskers, - Fathers, mothers, uncles, cousins, - Cocking tails and pricking whiskers, - Families by tens and dozens, - Brothers, sisters, husbands, wives, - Followed the Piper for their lives.'" - - * * * * * - -THE SCHOOL HOUSE WAS EXEMPT.--The master of a village school in the -vicinity of Dundee was in the habit of giving out an essay to be written -at home by the pupils of the first class. One Friday afternoon he gave -as the subject for the weekly exercise, "Local Events." At that time -scarlet fever was very prevalent in the district. One pupil of promising -parts took this fact for the subject of his essay. He dwelt on the sad -ravages which had taken place in the neighbourhood as the result of the -epidemic, and finished by saying how pleased he was that the dreadful -scourge had not visited the school house, "_for the Lord delighteth not -in the death of the wicked_." - - * * * * * - -A SYMPATHETIC RENDERING.--A boy in a Board School recently gave the -following rendering of the verse in the "Wreck of the _Hesperus_":-- - - "Then up and spake an old sailor, - Had sailed the Spanish main; - 'I pray thee put into yonder port, - For I fear _the horrid cane_.'" - - * * * * * - -HEAVEN-SENT PHYSIC.--_The Diocesan Inspector_: "Now, my dear children, -tell me how Sodom and Gomorrah were destroyed." _Sharp Boy_: "Brimstone -and treacle from heaven, sir." - - * * * * * - -A LESSON ON FRACTIONS.--_Teacher_ (giving lesson on fractions): "Here, -children, is a piece of meat; if I cut it in two, what shall I have?" -_Class (tutti)_: "Halves!" _Teacher_: "And if I cut my pieces again in -two, what do I get?" _Class (tutti)_: "Quarters!" _Teacher_: "And if I -again do the same?" _Class_ (half-chorus): "Eighths!" _Teacher_: "Good. -If we continue in the same way, what shall we have?" _Class_ (a duet): -"Sixteenths!" _Teacher_: "Very good. Let us cut our pieces once more in -two, what then shall we have?" _Class_: Several bars rest. Dead silence. -However, in the corner one pair of eyes twinkled. _Teacher_: "Well, -Johnny, what shall we have?" _Johnny_ (solo): "Mincemeat, ma'am!" - - * * * * * - -"DON'T BE AFRAID, FIDO."--A little dog was trembling with fear at the -high wind. Little Polly put her arms round it, saying: "Don't be afraid, -Fido; _all the hairs of your head are numbered_." - - * * * * * - -THE THING THAT THERE ISN'T.--"What is a nib?" asked a little reader of -four years. "Oh, I know!" said Dick; "_it is that thing that there isn't -when you buy a pen_." - - * * * * * - -A QUAINT PRAYER.--A dear little child was saying her prayers aloud -beside her mother's knee, and added a prayer on her own account: "Oh, -please, dear God, make me pure, _absolutely pure as Epps' cocoa_." - - * * * * * - -WHAT HE DID FOR A LIVING.--Teacher: "Now, John, what did Moses do for a -living while he was staying with Jethro?" John: "_Please, sir, he -married one of his daughters._" - - * * * * * - -AN OLD FRIEND UNDER A NEW NAME.--The six-year-olds had been hearing the -story of the Good Samaritan. Teacher: "Who came along after the priest?" -Willie: "_Please, miss, the fleabite_." - - * * * * * - -WHAT BECOMES OF THE MOONS.--H.M.I.: "You have all heard of new moons, -full moons, and crescent moons. What becomes of the old moons?" -"_Please, sir, they are cut up to make stars_," was a girl's reply. - - * * * * * - -CUTE!--The teacher was questioning the class at the end of the -object-lesson on the "Cat." "How is it that pussy can see in the dark?" -said he. "_Because they feed her on lights_," answered the smart boy of -the class. - - * * * * * - -GROSS DARKNESS.--In reading from the Bible that gross darkness covered -the face of the earth, the teacher asked what gross darkness meant. The -top boy in mental arithmetic said: "_One hundred and forty-four times -darker than ordinary darkness._" - - * * * * * - -A NOVEL WEAPON.--"With what weapon did David slay the Philistines?" -asked the examiner. "Please, sir," answered a child, "_the axe of the -Apostles_." - - * * * * * - -FAITH.--"What is Faith?" asked the inspector. "_Faith_," replied a -ten-year-old, "_is that quality which enables us to believe what we know -to be untrue_." - - * * * * * - -A FISHING-NET.--"_A fishing-net_," wrote an ingenious Standard III. boy, -"_is a lot of little holes joined together by a bit of string_." - - * * * * * - -TOO LITERAL.--Teacher (to newly-joined pupil): "What's your name?" Boy: -"Smiff." Teacher: "Where do you come from?" Boy: "I dun'no." Teacher: -"Ever been to school before?" Boy (more brightly): "Yus." Teacher: "Was -it a Board School?" Boy: "_No, brick._" - - * * * * * - -EXCUSED (scarlet fever is bad in village).--Teacher: "Why did you stay -away from school yesterday?" "Please sir, muvver's ill." Teacher -(anxiously): "What does the doctor say it is?" "_Please sir, he says -it's a girl._" - - * * * * * - -DEFINING A PARABLE.--The definition usually taught for a parable is, "An -earthly story with a heavenly meaning." At an examination one boy wrote, -"A heavenly story with no earthly meaning." - - * * * * * - -JACOB'S DREAM.--There is an amusing and, I believe, a true story -concerning that wonderful dream of Jacob's and the angels going up the -ladder to heaven. "Please, sir," asked one of the boys in the class to -which the story was being rehearsed, "why did the angels want to go up -the ladder when they had wings?" This nonplussed the teacher, who took a -strategic movement to rear by saying, "Ah, yes! Why? Perhaps one of the -boys can answer that." And one _did_. "Please, sir," said he, "_because -they was a-moulting_." - - * * * * * - -W.H.S.B.--I am told that an inspector of schools recently asked a boy -attending one of the West Ham School Board's schools what the letters -W.H.S.B. carved over the door meant, and was at once informed "_What Ho! -She Bumps._" - - * * * * * - -A SUCCESSFUL FAILURE.--The following amazing and amusing attempt at -composition was the actual effort of a boy who was being examined for a -"full-time" exemption certificate. The inspector had told the children -to write _in their own words_ the substance of any story they had ever -read in their own reading-books. This is what the budding "full-timer" -produced: "A Fox and a Crow in porse I well no, many Good Things are -request a Crow having venchurd a Dairy too go found a nice peace of -chease which she flew in her beek to the top of a tree. A Fox just dined -for chease felt inclined. She saw her fly." Poor chap! he had tried to -reproduce the following:-- - - The fox and the crow, - In prose I well know, - Many good little girls can rehearse. - I think it will tell, - Pretty nearly as well - If we try the same fable in verse. - - In a dairy a crow - Having ventured to go, - Some food for her young ones to seek, - Flew up in a tree, - With a fine piece of cheese, - Which she joyfully held in her beak. - - A fox who lived by, - To the tree saw her fly, - And to share in the prize made a vow, - For having just dined, - He for cheese felt inclined, - So he went and sat under the bough. - - "'Tis a very fine day." - Not a word did she say. - "The wind, I believe, ma'am, is south - A fine harvest for peas." - Then he looked at the cheese, - But the crow did not open her mouth. - - Sly Reynard, not tired, - Her plumage admired, - How charming! how brilliant its hue! - The voice must be fine - Of a bird so divine, - "So pray, let me hear it, now do! - - "Believe me, I long - To hear a sweet song." - The silly crow foolishly tries, - But she scarce gave one caw, - When the cheese she let fall, - And the fox ran off with the prize. - - * * * * * - -ESPECIALLY FOR ME.--Last Christmas I was distributing the prizes at the -Upper Kennington Lane Board School. I wound up with an exhortation to -the boys to be good during the coming year. Said I: "Now, boys, see that -when I come again next Christmas I shall hear an excellent account of -you, and shall not have to be told that you have got into any trouble or -mischief. "_Same to you, sir!_" shouted the whole school with one -accord. Whether this was quiet humour or a mechanical reply to the -time-honoured "Merry Christmas, boys!" which they had taken my final -words to imply I cannot say. But I am trying to live up to the -injunction as this little book attests. - - * * * * * - -THE ANIMAL KINGDOM.--Teacher: "Yes, children, we are animals. Quite -right. How do you know we are animals?" Tommy: "_Because it says we are -Jesus's lambs!_" - - * * * * * - -LOYAL SUBJECTS.--Teacher: "What did the angels sing when they came to -the shepherds?" Little One: "_God save our Gracious King!_" - - * * * * * - -NEED FOR CAUTION.--One morning the curate of the parish visited the -village school to conduct the usual morning service. He proceeded to -give a lesson to the upper standards on "Regeneration." He commenced by -asking the class if any of them could tell him the meaning of the word -"Regeneration," but no reply was forthcoming. It therefore fell to the -curate to define the word. He said, "Regeneration means to be born -again." Addressing himself to one little fellow, the curate said, "Now, -my little boy, wouldn't you like to be born again?" "No, I shouldn't," -answered he. "For why?" asked the curate. The boy quickly responded, -"_Because I should be afraid of being a girl next time!_" - - * * * * * - -NOT TO BE BEATEN.--A short time ago a lady gave a children's party, to -which a little boy of four was invited. The next day he was giving some -account of the fun, etc., etc., and said that every little visitor had -contributed either song or recitation, music or dance, for the pleasure -of the rest. "Oh dear! Jack!" said his mother "How very unfortunate you -could do nothing!" Jack (with bravado): "Yes I could. I was not to be -beaten, _so I just stood up and said my prayers_!" - - * * * * * - -FOLD ARMS.--Inspector enters babies' room smiling. Inspector: "Now, all -look at me; I want you to be very good. What is it to be good?" Baby -hand rises. Inspector: "Well?" Baby: "Please, mam, to fold our arms." -Inspector: "Oh! How does that make you good?" Baby: "_Please, mam, it -keeps our bellies warm._" - - * * * * * - -SELF-POSSESSED.--She was four, and had just been promoted from the -babies' class. It was a "number" lesson, and the little maid was first -given three small blocks and then two others. "How many have you now?" -she was asked. "One and one make two," was the reply. "Yes, I know, but -I asked how many blocks you had now?" "One and one make two," was again -the answer. "Yes, but what do three and two make?" The little -arithmetician removed her thumb from her mouth, jerked it in the -direction of the small boys at the other side of the room, and said, -"_One o' them'll tell you._" - - * * * * * - -ONE REASON.--Vicar (catechising on cruelty): "Can any boy tell me what -those marvellous insects are that travel on tracks of their own making -in the woods?" Chorus: "Ants." Vicar: "Quite right. Now I have seen boys -cruel enough to stamp on the laborious ants. Should you do so?" Chorus: -"No, sir." Vicar: "Girls don't stamp on ants. Why not, Todd?" Todd: -"_Please, sir, 'cos they gets up their legs!_" - - * * * * * - -ROUGH ON THE SCHOOL-BOARD MAN.--Letter from parent: "Dear Miss,--Pleese -to scuse my Arry from a comin to scool this afternoon as 'e was nocked -down by a bycycle this mornin an I dont want none of them nosey old -scool bored men after me, from Mrs. ----." - - * * * * * - -WHY RACHEL WAS AWAY.--"Dear Madam,--Plese exkuse Rachel Abrams as she -had to go and fech her mother's liver." - - * * * * * - -'NUFF SAID.--A tiny tot in the babies' room was being scolded by her -teacher for having dirty hands. "You naughty girl! how dare you come to -school with those dirty hands?" With tears streaming down her face the -little tot answered, "_Pease, teacher, I ain't dot no more!_" - - * * * * * - -A SENSATIONAL OPENING.--Teacher giving object-lesson on "Mice" to -five-year-olds before H.M.I. introduces lesson by asking, "What animal -is it which, when you are in bed, comes out of its hole and runs about -the floor?" Five-year-old (in loud tones): "_It is the li-on!_" - - * * * * * - -EXCUSED.--"Plese sur mister will you escus Charlee not been to scool as -he as got no trouses and is farther wont let him come without--your -torueley Mrs. B----." - - * * * * * - -THE PHARISEES.--By a small Londoner: "The Fareses was a very minjy, -measley lot. One day one of them gave Our Lord a penny, and Our Lord -held it out in His hand and looked at it with scorn, and said, '_Whose -subscription is this?_'" - - * * * * * - -"ON SATDY."--Composition exercise by a nine-year-old: "On Satdy I do all -the work, and then I go over and do all my Ants, in the afternoon I take -Missis greens baby out in the Pram, i get a apeny on Satdy, sumtimes I -by bulls i's. On Satdy nite I have a baf and wate up for my farther." - - * * * * * - -THE SOUL OF WIT.--The teacher had given to each of a junior class a -simple and familiar subject for composition. For twenty minutes the -class composed, and was composed. The genius of the little group had -been instructed to write about "Our Cat." The result of his twenty -minutes deep cogitation and tremendous effort was the following essay, -almost matchless for brevity, clearness, completeness, and, moreover, -depth of pathos: "_Our cat is dead!_" - - * * * * * - -A BIT ON EACH WAY.--Some lads who were beginning to write composition -were told to write an essay on the horse. One lad had given a good -description of the animal and wished to write something about its tail. -He wrote the following sentence: "_The horse sometimes has a long tail -or tale._" When asked why he had written down the two words he replied -that "he thought that if one was marked wrong the other would sure to be -right." - - * * * * * - -THE EXCEPTION.--The Tenth Commandment, up to date, as given at a recent -Scripture examination by a lad of seven summers: "Thou shalt not covet -my nabours wife, thou shalt not covet my nabours house, nor his servant -nor his made nor his ox nor is ass nor anything but is ears." - - * * * * * - -SEE THAT YE FALL NOT OUT.--Down in Hampshire a curate was giving a -Scripture lesson on Joseph and his brethren. He asked the boys why -Joseph said, "See that ye fall not out by the way." A boy from a -neighbouring village, used to riding about the farm, replied, "_Cause -they had no tailboord to the caart._" - - * * * * * - -IT IS POSSIBLE.--During a Scripture lesson, which was being taken by a -clergyman, some boys were asked each to give a text from the Bible. One -lad said, "And Judas went and hanged himself." "Well!" said the reverend -gentleman, "that is hardly a good text," and, pointing to another lad, -asked _him_ to give a text, and the lad said, "_Go thou and do -likewise!_" - - * * * * * - -INDIGNATION.--The following story is an amusing instance of the way in -which boys mix their stories historical or scriptural. When asked for -the reply of Naaman the leper to the command to wash seven times in -Jordan, a boy gave the answer as, "_Is thy servant a dog that he should -do this thing?_" - - * * * * * - -NO ROOM FOR THE CONSCIENTIOUS OBJECTOR.--A short time ago a teacher was -giving a lesson on the Birth of Christ, when she referred the class to -the 9th chapter of Isaiah, and verse 6, which reads: "For unto us a -Child is born, unto us a Son is given, _and the government shall be upon -His shoulder_," &c. Here the teacher asked what was meant by the -government being upon His shoulder. One child, holding up her hand, -said, "_Please, teacher, it means that the child Jesus will have to be -vaccinated._" - - * * * * * - -THE WIDOW AGAIN.--The teacher had been giving a lesson on Magna Charta, -during the course of which he tried to impress on the children the -benefits certain Articles conferred on Englishmen at the present day. He -especially drew attention to Article 20, and called upon a boy at the -close of the lesson to repeat that Article. Boy: "No freeman, merchant, -or villain, shall be excessively fined for a small offence; the first -shall not be deprived of his means of livelihood; the second of his -merchandise; and the third of his _implements of husbandry_." Teacher: -"Can anyone tell me the name of an implement of husbandry." Little Girl: -"_Please, sir! a widow._" - - * * * * * - -THOUGHTFUL.--Billy, an urchin of five, going to school, takes an apple -from his pocket, spits on it, and rubs it vigorously on his dirty and -ragged trousers. "Hallo, Billy! What are you doing that for?" Billy -(holding up apple and looking pleased): "_'Tis for taicher. Her wont ait -un if he's dirty._" - - * * * * * - -THE CORRECT THING TO SAY.--Town lad's composition on "A Half-holiday": -"Yesterday we had a half-holiday and I enjoyed myself very much. After -dinner I did the knives and forks and cleaned the windows and the boots. -Then a boy came round with a football and wanted me to go to the park -with him. But I could not go because my mother was going out and I had -to mind the baby. When she came home we had tea, and then I went to my -place and took out orders till nine o'clock. Then I went to bed and came -to school this morning. I enjoyed myself very much." - - * * * * * - -SUBJECT TO A PROVISO.--Composition by boy, age seven. _Time._--Morning -previous to half-holiday for the opening of Kew Bridge by the King. -_Subject._--What I shall do this afternoon. "Wen I have had my diner I -shall call for Bob Scott and his mother mite let me play tops with him -in there yard. Then we shall go on the Common to here the band, and _if -my tea is not ready I will wait to see the King go by_ and I will wave -my cap at him and I expect he will wave his at me." - - * * * * * - -THE RAIN AND THE UNJUST.--A smart boy's composition on rain: "Rain comes -down from heaven on the just and the unjust, but mostly upon the just, -because the unjust have borrowed the umbrellas of the just and have -forgotten to return them." - - * * * * * - -A SURPRISING PRAYER.--"How do we pray for the magistrates in the -Litany?" asked the Vicar. "That it may please Thee to bless and keep the -magistrates, giving them grace to execute _all Bishops, Priests, and -Deacons_," answered the unconscious boy. - - * * * * * - -THE "EGG-CUPS."--I had set the class, writes a teacher, an essay to -write on "Good Manners." They had to think about it one evening and -write it the next day in school. When correcting the exercise I came -upon the following: "_When you have the egg-cups it is good manners to -put your hand before your mouth and say, 'Manners before ladies and -gentlemen.'_" - - * * * * * - -BALAAM AND THE ASS.--The story as reproduced in a South London boy's -essay: "It was about an owld gentleman as was a-wallopin' of a donkey -and as the donkey was stupied he whached it with a stick, the donkey ran -agin a wall and squeezed the gentlemans leg and he walloped it then and -no mistake and serve it right. Then the donkey began to speak and told -him, and told him he was wicked to serve him in that ere style, and a -angel come down and took sides with the donkey and preached a sarmint to -the owld gentleman and they all went away jolly." - - * * * * * - -AN EXCUSE FOR LATE ARRIVAL AT SCHOOL.--The village tailor sent a note to -the schoolmaster as his son James was very late one afternoon. The -following is the effusion:-- - - "Schoolmaster dear don't cane the youth, - He's not in fault to tell the truth, - His mother is the greatest sinner. - She would not give the _kid_ his dinner." - - * * * * * - -DROPPED INTO POETRY.--The following reply, writes a teacher, was -received by me some years ago from a parent, evidently of a poetical -turn of mind, in answer to an inquiry as to the cause of his boy's -absence from school:-- - - "I'm full of wants and minus riches, - Truth is, William has no breeches, - I mean to buy a pair to-night, - To-morrow he will come all right. - Accept this plain apology - From, dear Sir, ever yours, E. B." - -On another occasion I suspected William of truant-playing, and sent a -boy to make inquiry, when immediately came back the answer:-- - - "At one p.m. was sent to school, - So must have played the nick, - If thrashing truants is a rule, - With my leave, use the stick." - -William is now a hard-working and well-known missionary in ----. - - * * * * * - -FOUND OUT.--A school attendance officer quite recently met a lad who, -instead of being at school, was wending his way to a public-house for a -pint of beer. "How is it you are not at school, my boy?" said the man of -law. "It's washing day, and I'm going for a pint of ale for my mother." -He let the boy go on his errand and walked straight to the lad's house. -"Good morning, Mrs. So-and-so. How is it your boy is not at school this -morning?" "Ah! bless you," she says, "the poor lad's ill in bed, and has -been the past two days. I'm afraid we shall never rear him, for you see -he's been delicate ever sin he was born." "Can I see him?" returned the -officer. "Certainly, if you'll wait a minute till I see if he's awake. -He's had a bad night, and I should not like to disturb him if he's -asleep." The good lady went on tiptoe to the foot of the stairs and -called out very softly, "Johnny, Johnny, Johnny, are you awake?" -Returning to the attendance officer she said, "You see, Mr. Schoolboard, -Johnny's asleep, and it would be such a pity to disturb him." Just as -she finished, in walks Johnny with the pint of beer. The old lady, to -make the best of a bad job, threw up her hands and exclaimed, "_My dear -Johnny, how did you get out? What a bad lad to get out of the bedroom -window again, after all I've said!_" - - * * * * * - -A TRIFLE INCONSISTENT.--An excited woman rushed into school one morning -holding a lad by the jacket collar. The moment she got inside she -shouted out, "Now, master, here's a lad that's been playing the wag -[truant], and I don't intend to leave this blessed spot until I see him -skinned. Please, master, skin him alive! _I must see him skinned!_" she -said. To make the best of a serious case, the master replied, "Well, I -don't skin till ten o'clock, and it is only a quarter past nine yet, so -you had better sit down till I'm ready." She took a seat, still holding -the lad by the collar, and he went to his desk. In about five minutes -she sent the boy to his class, and coming up to the master, whispered -very softly into his ear: "_Please, master, don't touch the poor lad, -he's so delicate, you could almost blow him away with a breath!_" - - * * * * * - -JOHNNY WORKED THE CLOCK.--"Plese Sir dont cain pore jonny he as been -keping the clock agoing with a stick cos is father mendid it an it wont -go now an jonny kep the clock agoing so as I would no the time so no -more as it leaves me at present. ----." - - * * * * * - -BLURTED OUT THE TRUTH.--A mother came with a truant one morning and -said, "Please excuse my boy, he has been ill the last fortnight." The -master said, "Very good, let him go to his class." The woman then turned -suddenly round and, seizing the lad by the jacket, gave him a good -shaking, saying at the same time, "_I'll break every bone in your -dirty carcase if I've to come again and tell a pack of lies like this -for you._" - - * * * * * - -THE POINT OF VIEW.--Overheard in infants playground. Little Girl: "_It's -my grannie's funeral to-day. I've got threepence halfpenny and a packet -of sweets already._" - - * * * * * - -A TRIFLE MIXED.--Poor Johnny had been on an errand for his mother and -was consequently late for school. His mother, in order to coax him, -prepared to write a note to his teacher explaining his lateness. The -look on Johnny's face made the mother somewhat dubious about Johnny's -going to school, and this is how the note read: "Dear Sir,--Please -excuse Johnny for being late, _and kindly let me know if he hasn't -been_." - - * * * * * - -SHE WAS SORRY.--A boy was absent from school. The teacher sent to his -home to ask the reason. The answer came back that he was playing -truant--sent by the mother. The next day the master made inquiries, and -found that the mother had sent this message because she did not wish the -boy's father, who was at home when the messenger arrived, to know that -_she_ had kept him at home. During this time the boy himself was hidden -in a cupboard. A few weeks after a similar occurrence happened, and a -like answer was sent to the master by the mother. The next day the boy -appeared with the following note: "Sir,--Sorry my boy was away -yesterday, but he had to go to the hospital and was kept, and I never -sent him yesterday, and _I was sorry to tell a lye like last time. -Please forgive me again._--Mrs. ----." - - * * * * * - -"THE LAVENDER."--"_Deer Sur,--Plese let Jon go to the lavender wen hever -he wants as he as had some metson._--Yours truly, Mrs. ----." - - * * * * * - -"RES ANGUSTA DOMI."--In a village school in Devonshire the master had -one morning been giving a lesson on the life of Jacob. Just as he was -concluding he asked whether Jacob was rich or poor. Some stated that he -was rich, while others held a contrary view. Eventually one of the lads -who had stated that Jacob was poor was asked for his reason, and he -replied as follows: "Please, sir, the Bible says Jacob slept with his -fathers, and if he had been a rich man _he would have had a bed to -his-self_." - - * * * * * - -THE POSTMAN.--"The postman has to be up erly in the morning to meet the -males at the station. Then he takes them to the G.P.O. where they are -soughted out. Then he ties up his streets in bungles, and goes quickly -from door to door, because the passengers dont' like to have their -letters delaid. On his way back, he collects the pillow boxes, and -conveys them to the G.P.O. Inside the postmen they are stamping letters. -The postman is a simple servent because he works for the goverment and -wear a uniform. He has a good time at Xmas I should like to be a postman -then. He gets plenty of Xmas boxes and can read all the picture -postcards." - - * * * * * - -EXACTLY.--The other week Standard V. were asked to write an essay on "My -Home." This is how one boy commenced: "Our house is in Peel Green Road. -_It is on the left side going up, and the right side coming down._" - - * * * * * - -ON GIRLS.--By a boy.--"There are two sorts of children, boys and girls -and of the two boys are the best. Girls cause all the rows and quarrels. -They think they are wonderful if they can get a bird's feather stuck in -their hat. They are proud and vain and are always gossipping and making -mischief. I simply hate them. They boast of what they can do, this that -and the other and a fat lot it is when it comes to the put. If there -were no girls and women in the world, it would be a very peaceful place. -They love to sit and rest. Girls do vary from day to day. On washing -days they think they are nearly killed. They would rather gossip half a -day, than walk half a mile. Its no good, they are a bad race and -deceitful. If your wife sells anything she keeps a shilling back. Girls -like to wear rings and think they are ladies. They bob their hair on the -top like mountains and wears a fringe to make us boys think they are -pretty, but aint they just deceived. The young men have a hard job to -find a good and hard working wife in these days. Girls are cowards and I -never knew one to face danger. If a cow looks at them they run and cry. -Boys go about with their eyes open and their mouths shut, just the -opposite to girls. Boys are also strong and useful while girls are -timid, frightened weak little creatures. I would not be a girl for £10." - - * * * * * - -"YOUR GRACE."--A certain duchess, well known for the interest she takes -in the progress of education, once visited a school in L---- and began -to talk freely to a mite in the first standard. Several questions were -put to the child, to which the latter replied, "Yes, ma'am," or "No, -ma'am." The teacher of the class was annoyed at the frequency with which -the scholar used the word "ma'am," and at last said, "You must say 'Your -Grace.'" The duchess laughed heartily when the child began, "_Lord, make -us truly thankful, &c._" - - * * * * * - -ABOUT A "CINMATTERGRAF."--"We had a grand cinmattergraf at school on -November 30th by Eddyston. Eddyston is America man. He invented to make -it. Cinmattergraf works very fonny. If you swing a stone round it is in -your eye a tenth of a cetend after you have stopet. If you are in a dark -room and somebody brings a light it is in your eye a tenth of a cetend. -The cinmattergraf is like a fonagrapt. It is like a mager lantin. A -cinmattergraf is eaquil to five thousand candles. The ribbing rowls off -one rowler on to another rowler. The cinmattergraf was worked by angle. -It is like a soingnmersheen. It will play any song. The cinmattergraf -talks like people. You cant understand what a gramophone says. When you -light the oxgin it not give much light. When one of the things is burken -the other blows in and it give bleu light. When the man shows the foters -he has to put the lamp out. Because if he does not put the lamp out the -pictures look shady. It is the light which helps to show the pictures. -The pictures on the cinmattergraf are only an inch big. One picture that -it showed was a woman laughting, and you could see every form her mouth -was in. When all the pictures were put together they were a quarter of a -mile long." - - * * * * * - -CONCERNING THE HORSE.--Standard III. boy's essay: "The horse does not -belong to the cat tribe, because its paws are hoofs. It breathes with -its gills when it is young and chews the cud just like other people. -There are many kinds of horses such as racer horses and hunters and -worker horses and little welsh ponies. A mule is a horse with long ears -and if a horse had long ears it would be called a donkey. You can see -the age of a horse if you look in its mouth. It is defensive with its -hind legs and when they kick you, you say, Woe." - - * * * * * - -THE RETORT COURTEOUS.--One of my boys, writes a friend, had his hair -notched in a disgraceful manner one morning, and I quietly asked him who -cut it. The accompanying note was the result: "from missus -----,--sir--as you seam so anshus to no wear my boy ad is air cut i wish -to tell you that i put im in the cole seller al larst nite so as the -rats cood nibbel hit horf and i cood save tuppence." - - * * * * * - -ON THE BABY.--"A baby is a man or woman as they first enter the world, -and is sometimes called a infant, and they bring plenty of joy to its -parents. Babies need much care because the bones are not strong enough -for the baby to be used naturally. When a baby is a few months old a -malecart is wanted so as to give it some fresh air, and it as to be -nursed till it can crawle about on the flour. Most women like babies -very much and wouldn't do without them. When first it is born it is very -teisey and begins to cry, and they are enough to make anyone mad. It -also needs a lot of care, for it will enhail any disease. Baby is the -pet of the family, especially mother, who if the baby is a boy he -becomes her darling boy in after years. When baby is about four years -old it is briched if it is a boy, but if a girl she remains in her same -clothes. To look after a baby is very awkard if you ain't used to it, -for they jump and kick and have to be carefully handled. It is crisined -when it is old enough to eat solid food. Some babies are very tiresome -and have to be nutritiously looked after. My father told me that he came -in a little blue box, but learned men say we came from monkeys. If the -mother trys to learn it to walk very early it will make them bandy. My -baby is a dear little thing!" - - * * * * * - -"To keep milk from turning sour you should leave it in the cow."--JANE, -aged 10. - - * * * * * - -"The Duke of Marlborough was a great general, who always fought with a -fixed determination to win or lose."--OUR SAMMY, aged 11. - - * * * * * - -"The name of Cęsar's wife was Cęsarea. She was above suspicion."--SMALL -BOY'S HISTORY PAPER. - - * * * * * - - EXCUSED! - -TEACHER: "Why did you stay away yesterday, Jimmy?" - -JIMMY: "Please, sir, muvver's ill!" - -TEACHER: "Oh! that's bad! What does the doctor say it is?" - -JIMMY: "Please, sir, he says it's a girl!" - - * * * * * - -FOND MOTHER: "Charley, do you know God's other name?" - -CHARLEY: "Yes, mamma, we learnt it to-day. Harold be Thy name!" - - * * * * * - -PARENTAL NOTE: "Dear Sir,--Don't hit our Johnny. We never do it at home -except in self-defence!" - - * * * * * - -HEAD MASTER: "How did God bless Abraham?" - -SMALL BOY (in whose home there has just been a Double Event): "By giving -him only one baby at a time!" - - * * * * * - -MISTRESS: "Why is a motor-car called 'She'?" - -SMALL BOY: "Because it is driven by a man!" - - * * * * * - -TEACHER: "Now, Frank, if you are not a good boy you won't go to heaven." - -FRANK: "Oh, well! I went with father in Mr. B.'s yacht, and I went to -the circus. A little boy can't expect to go everywhere!" - - * * * * * - -H.M. INSPECTOR: "If I dig right down through the earth, where shall I -come to?" - -SMALL BOY (who has been commended at the Diocesan Examination): "The -devil and all his works!" - - * * * * * - -TEACHER: "What is a Mediator?" - -SMALL BOY: "A chap who says hit me instead!" - - * * * * * - - JUVENILE COMPLAINTS. - - (AS DESCRIBED IN PARENTAL EXCUSE NOTES.) - -"New Roger" } - } Neuralgia. -"Real Raw Jaw" } - -"Piper's Dance"--St. Vitus Dance. - -"Haricot Veins"--Varicose Veins. - -"Double Demoniacks"--Double Pneumonia. - -"Scarlet Concertina"--Scarletina. - -"Illustrated Throat"--Ulcerated Throat. - -"Information of the Eye"--Inflammation of the Eye. - - [AND SO ON.] - - * * * * * - -TEACHER: "What is luke-warm water?" - -SMALL GIRL: "Water that lukes warm but isn't!" - - * * * * * - -TEACHER: "Now, little ones, you can take off your warm overcoats. Can -the bear take his off?" - -LITTLE ONES: "No, miss!" - -TEACHER: "Why not?" - -DELIGHTED LITTLE ONE: "Because only God knows where the buttons are!" - - * * * * * - -"The anshent Britons painted themselves all over blue with the juce -obtained from the tree o nolledge of Good and Evil."--FROM HARRY'S -COMPOSITION EXERCISE. - - * * * * * - -TEACHER: "What is a widow?" - -LITTLE GIRL: "A lady what marries the lodger!" - - * * * * * - -TEACHER: "What is this?" - -YOUNG HOPEFUL: "A picture of a monkey." - -TEACHER: "Can any child tell me what a monkey can do?" - -YOUNG HOPEFUL: "Please, teacher, a monkey can climb up a tree." - -TEACHER: "Yes, and what else can a monkey do?" - -YOUNG HOPEFUL: "Please, teacher, climb down again!" - - * * * * * - -BOY (reading): "She threw herself into the river. Her husband, -horror-stricken, rushed to the bank----" - -TEACHER (interposing): "What did he run to the bank for?" - -BOY: "To get the insurance money!" - - * * * * * - -H.M. INSPECTOR: "If twenty feet of an iceberg be _above_ the water, -about how much is _below_ the water?" - -JIM: "All the rest!" - - * * * * * - -TOMMY: "Mamma, who made the lions and the elephants?" - -MAMMA: "God, my dear." - -TOMMY: "And did He make the flies, too?" - -MAMMA: "Yes, my dear." - -TOMMY (after a period of profound reflection): "Fiddlin' work making -flies!" - - * * * * * - -TEACHER: "Why cannot we hear the bear walk about?" - -CHILD IN LANCASHIRE TOWN: "Because it hasn't got no clogs on!" - - * * * * * - -H.M. Inspector was examining a class of infants on the value of money. -He held up a threepenny-piece and a penny. "Now, my children, which -would you rather have, this small piece of money or the large one?" A -little one held up her hand. "Well?" "Please, sir, the large one." "And -why would you rather have the large one?" "Because my mother would make -me put the threepenny-bit in my money-box, but I could spend the penny." - - * * * * * - -Tommy is in the Second Standard, and aged eight. The class was asked to -write a short letter to teacher describing their doings on Guy Fawkes -night. He began in right good style with the orthodox "Dear Miss C----." -Everything went quietly till the close. It was then that Tommy shone. He -wound up: "I remain, your loving son in who I am well pleased,----" - - * * * * * - -"Manners is a very good thing when you are trying for a -situation."--FROM JAMES HENRY'S COMPOSITION. - - * * * * * - -The essay was upon "Dreams." One boy who has a great dread of arithmetic -dreamt he was in heaven, where his teacher kept calling out, "No sums -right, stand up!" - - * * * * * - -TEACHER: "Well, well, James! Home lesson sums all wrong!" - -JAMES: "Yes, teacher. I knew they would be. Father would help me!" - - - THE END. - - - PRINTING OFFICE OF THE PUBLISHERS - - - - - By the Author of "School-Room Humour." - - - The - Gentle Golfer - - _With over 100 Pen-and-Ink Sketches by - ARTHUR MORELAND._ - - Fcap, 8vo, 180 pp. Paper Covers 1/-, Cloth 1/6. - - -"The humour is infectious."--_Evening Standard and St. James's Gazette._ - -"These lively sketches will appeal to every golfer."--_Sheffield Daily -Telegraph._ - -"Written in a very racy style."--_Liverpool Courier._ - -"Intensely amusing and not wholly uninstructive."--_Field._ - - - Bristol: - J. W. Arrowsmith. - - London: - Simpkin, Marshall, Hamilton, Kent & Co. Ltd. - - - - - ARROWSMITH'S - POCKET - SERIES. - - - Fcap. 8vo, Leather, Gilt top and back, 3/6 net. - " Cloth " " 2/6 net. - - - The Westcotes. - By Sir ARTHUR QUILLER-COUCH. - - From a Cornish Window. - By Sir ARTHUR QUILLER-COUCH. - - The Prisoner of Zenda. By ANTHONY HOPE. - - Rupert of Hentzau. Being a Sequel to "THE PRISONER OF ZENDA." - By ANTHONY HOPE. - - Sophy of Kravonia. By ANTHONY HOPE. - - The Diary of a Nobody. - By GEORGE and WEEDON GROSSMITH. - (With an appreciative letter from LORD ROSEBERY.) - - Home Life with Herbert Spencer. By "TWO." - - The Charm of the West Country. An Anthology. - Compiled and Edited by THOMAS BURKE. - - - BRISTOL: J. W. ARROWSMITH LTD. - LONDON: SIMPKIN, MARSHALL & CO. LTD. - - - - - Arrowsmith's 1/= net Series of - Cloth-bound Novels, - - - _WITH PICTURE WRAPPERS._ - - Foolscap 8vo size. - - - Ziska. By MARIE CORELLI. - - Called Back. By HUGH CONWAY. - - The Tinted Venus. By F. ANSTEY. - - Hetty Wesley. By Sir ARTHUR QUILLER-COUCH - - Patricia at the Inn. By J. C. SNAITH. - - The Man who was Thursday. By G. K. - CHESTERTON. - - Johnny Fortnight. By EDEN PHILLPOTTS. - - Two in a Tent--and Jane. - By MABEL BARNES-GRUNDY. - - Pearla. By Miss BETHAM-EDWARDS. - - - BRISTOL: J. W. ARROWSMITH LTD. - LONDON: SIMPKIN, MARSHALL & CO. LTD. - - - - - A Selection of - Arrowsmith's 6/- Books. - - - The Prisoner of Zenda. By ANTHONY HOPE. - - Rupert Of Hentzau. By ANTHONY HOPE. - - Sophy of Kravonia. By ANTHONY HOPE. - - Ziska: The Problem of a Wicked Soul. - By MARIE CORELLI. - - My Own Fairy Book. By ANDREW LANG. - - The Westcotes. By Sir ARTHUR QUILLER-COUCH. - - Two Sides of the Face. - By Sir ARTHUR QUILLER-COUCH. - - From a Cornish Window. - By Sir ARTHUR QUILLER-COUCH. - - True Tilda. By Sir ARTHUR QUILLER-COUCH. - - Brother Copas. By Sir ARTHUR QUILLER-COUCH. - - The Man Who Was Thursday. - By G. K. CHESTERTON. - - The Vacillations of Hazel. By M. BARNES-GRUNDY. - - Marguerite's Wonderful Year. - By M. BARNES-GRUNDY. - - A Close Ring. By M. BETHAM-EDWARDS. - - Dromina. By JOHN AYSCOUGH. - - A Roman Tragedy and Others. By JOHN AYSCOUGH. - - Woodhays. By E. F. PIERCE. - - Suse O'Bushy. By W. A. ALLAN. - - The Gentleman Help. - By ELIZABETH HOLLAND (LADY OWEN.) - - - BRISTOL: J. W. ARROWSMITH LTD. - LONDON: SIMPKIN, MARSHALL & CO. LTD. - - - - - Transcriber Notes: - -Passages in italics were indicated by _underscores_. - -Small caps were replaced with ALL CAPS. - -Throughout the document, the oe ligature was replaced with "oe". - -Throughout the dialogues, there were words used to mimic accents of -the speakers. Those words were retained as-is. - -The illustrations have been moved so that they do not break up -paragraphs and so that they are next to the text they illustrate. Thus -the page number of the illustration might not match the page number in -the List of Illustrations, and the order of illustrations may not be the -same in the List of Illustrations and in the book. - -Errors in punctuations and inconsistent hyphenation were not corrected -unless otherwise noted. - -On page 9, a period was added after "CHAPTER I". - -On page 19, "ithers" was replaced with "others". - -On page 40, a period was added after "Standard VII". - -On page 54, a period was added after "are grisle". - -On page 64, "sanwiches" was replaced with "sandwiches". - -On page 64, "apetites" was replaced with "appetites". - -On page 71, a single quotation mark after "_Cast out a devil, sir!_" was -replaced with a double quotation mark. - -On page 98, a period was added after "hot nor cold". - -On page 107, a period was added after "B". - -On page 119, a quotation mark was added before "is your favorite -writer". - -On page 120, a single quotation mark was added after "their lives". - -On page 129, a single quotation mark after "sweet song" was replaced -with a double quotation mark. - -On page 132, a single quotation mark before "How many" was replaced with -a double quotation mark. - -On page 148, "an errand" was replaced with "on an errand". - -On page 153, "November th 30" was replaced with "November 30th". - -In the first advertisement, a period was added after "Field". - - - - - - -End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of School-Room Humour, by Dr. MacNamara - -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK SCHOOL-ROOM HUMOUR *** - -***** This file should be named 40593-8.txt or 40593-8.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: - http://www.gutenberg.org/4/0/5/9/40593/ - -Produced by sp1nd, Ernest Schaal, and the Online Distributed -Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This file was -produced from images generously made available by The -Internet Archive) - - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions -will be renamed. - -Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no -one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation -(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without -permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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