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diff --git a/40593-0.txt b/40593-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..70a8fb5 --- /dev/null +++ b/40593-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,3309 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 40593 *** + + SCHOOL-ROOM HUMOUR. + + + + + DR. MACNAMARA _desires to thank the Directors of the_ + "SCHOOLMASTER" _for the right to use most of the stories which + follow_. _He desires also to thank his old friends, the teachers + up and down the country, whose anecdotes he is presuming to put + into print._ + + + + + _All rights reserved_ + + + School-Room + Humour + + + BY + DR. MACNAMARA, M.P. + + + THIRD EDITION + + + "_Faith is what makes you believe what you know to be untrue_" + TRUTHFUL JAMES, aged 10 + + + BRISTOL + J. W. ARROWSMITH LTD., QUAY STREET + LONDON + SIMPKIN, MARSHALL, HAMILTON, KENT & COMPANY LIMITED + 1913 + + + + + _First Published_ _1905_ + _Second Edition (enlarged)_ _1907_ + _Third Edition (with picture cover)_ _1913_ + + + + + PREFACE TO THE SECOND EDITION. + + +The original Edition of _School-Room Humour_ published two years ago +gave so much pleasure to so many people that it has occurred to me that +a new and enlarged edition may prove not entirely unacceptable. I have +therefore added the best from my collection since the first publication; +and now, as then, tender my thanks to the proprietors of the +_Schoolmaster_ and to my friends the elementary school teachers. + + T. J. MACNAMARA. +_January, 1907._ + + + + + PREFACE TO THE THIRD EDITION. + + +_School-Room Humour_ having proved a constant source of enjoyment to an +ever-widening public, the Publishers have pleasure in issuing a third +edition, revised, and with a picture cover, and trust that in its new +dress the little book will continue to provide amusement for a large +circle of readers. + +_September, 1913._ + + + + + CONTENTS. + + + CHAPTER I. _Page_ + A LITTLE GENERAL DISQUISITION 9 + + + CHAPTER II. + CHILDREN'S WITTICISMS CRITICALLY CONSIDERED 14 + + + CHAPTER III. + A BUDGET OF QUAINT DEFINITIONS 28 + + + CHAPTER IV. + "I NOW TAKE MY PEN IN HAND" 38 + + + CHAPTER V. + THE RELIGIOUS DIFFICULTY 72 + + + CHAPTER VI. + THE FOND PARENT 89 + + + CHAPTER VII. + LITTLE SCIENTISTS AT SEA 97 + + + CHAPTER VIII. + A MISCELLANEOUS COLLECTION 105 + + + + + School-Room Humour. + + + CHAPTER I. + + A LITTLE GENERAL DISQUISITION. + + + TEACHER: "_What does B.C. stand for?_" + SCHOLAR: "_Before Christ!_" + TEACHER: "_Good! Now what does B.A. stand for?_" + SCHOLAR: "_Before Adam!_" + + +It is not to be denied that the life of the schoolmaster is always +exacting, usually tedious, and occasionally irritating. It is not to be +denied that long-enduring patience, untiring perseverance, and +philosophical resignation are only the first three of the many qualities +essential to success. But still the drudgery of teaching has its +compensations. And they are the more acceptable because of their rare +charm. There, in the schoolmaster's keeping, is the youthful mind. What +may he not do with it? What forgetfulness of the dreary round of toil +the very contemplation of the situation compels! And when his task is +achieved, and the finished product of his labour has passed out into the +world, with what quiet and ineffable satisfaction the schoolmaster +reflects upon the part he played in the making of men. In the days of my +schoolmastering I fell into this mood always--gently carried thence by +some beneficent ministering angel--when wearied and worried at the close +of the long day's toil; and in that mood was more balm than in many +sedatives and more sereneness than in much repose. This is the +schoolmaster's first great compensation. + +But there is that other. There is the agreeable amazement that the +working of the fresh child-mind is always provoking. And in this the +schoolmaster is regularly furnished with food for pleasant reflection +and for engaging conjecture day by day throughout the whole of his +pedagogic career. "Child-study" and "Psychology" have in recent times +taken severely scientific shape, and have fallen under the ægis of +Government Departments and into Government Syllabuses. Good! But the +least observant and the least interested of all the schoolmasters of the +land, long before the Board of Education ever added "Child-study" to its +quaint if not exactly terrifying terminology, have never failed to +arrive empirically at certain broad conclusions with regard to the +child-mind which have been reached by practical and altogether +delightful daily experiences. Heaven forbid that I should unduly weary +the reader with disquisitions on these conclusions. But, at any rate, I +may acceptably rehearse some of the experiences. + +Now I admit at once that very many of the artlessly amusing things which +are alleged to have been uttered by that prime unconscious humorist, the +schoolboy, are quite apocryphal. They have been ingeniously excogitated +by their unabashed and artful elders for the purpose of creating a +laugh. They used to say that quill pens survived in the office of the +Board of Education in order that the Inspectors and other officials, in +the operation of persistently trimming them, might never be without +something to do. That is absurd. There is always the profitable +preoccupation of manufacturing funny puerile answers to inspectorial +hypothetical questions. Why not? The proceeding is innocent enough. But +it _does_ tend to make one incredulous. For example, I was once told +that a London Board School child defined "_a lie_" as "_an abomination +in the sight of the Lord, but a very present help in time of trouble_." +It is possible, remotely possible. But it is extremely unlikely. Then +when I am told that a youngster described "_the liver_" as "_an infernal +organ_," I see visions of a not fully-occupied civil servant suffering +acutely from an attack of chronic indigestion which has put him badly +off his drive. So, too, when I am told that a Bristol youngster once +wrote, "_The bowels are five in number, namely a, e, i, o and u_," like +the Scotsman, "I hae ma doots!" Then there is the classic answer to the +question: "What proof have we from the Bible that it is not lawful to +have more than one wife"--"_Because it says no man can serve two +masters!_" No child ever said _that_. And belonging to the same category +is the following. The teacher asked: "If one man walking at the rate of +three miles an hour gets half an hour's start of another man walking at +the rate of four miles an hour, when will the second man overtake the +first?" The allegation is that the small boy replied: "_Please, sir, at +the first public-house!_" But I know that small boy. He is a wag, it is +true; but he doesn't wear knickerbockers. + +So far as possible, therefore, I will endeavour to reject the apocryphal +in favour of the authentic, giving the former the benefit of the doubt, +of course, if on its merits the humour of the anecdote seems to condone +the illegitimacy of its origin. + + + + + CHAPTER II. + + CHILDREN'S WITTICISMS CRITICALLY + CONSIDERED. + + "_A focus is a thing that looks like a mushroom, but if you eat + it you will feel different to a mushroom._"--SMALL GIRL. + + +Of course children's witticisms are always unconscious. They have taken +the idiomatic quite literally: not quite caught our meaning; missed the +right word in favour of another that is curiously like it in sound. + +Reasonably enough the idiom is extremely troublesome to the child-mind. +"The doctor says my mother has one foot in the grave," wrote a little +girl the other day in a Composition Exercise. "That is not true. _She +has both feet in bed!_" Again, if people _will_ talk about "going it +bald-headed," or about being "stony-hearted" or "iron-fisted" or +"brazen-faced," and so on, they must naturally expect young children to +accept the phraseology in its literal sense. Hence amusing +misconceptions. + +Again, as I say, it is often a question of not having quite got the +right word. Having mumbled The Lord's Prayer every day for a year or so, +we ultimately get the young Cockney who is found to be rendering "Lead +us not into temptation" as "_Lead us not into Thames Station_"--a London +police court shunned of all good costers and others. So too, taught that +the Epiphany is a Manifestation, we condone readily the mistake of the +little girl who, to her teacher's complete and abiding mystification, +insisted that the Epiphany was "_the-man-at-the-station!_" + +Owing its origin to the same sort of misconception is the genuinely +funny answer of the boy who wrote, "The marriage customs of the ancient +Greeks were that a man had only one wife, and this was called +_Monotony_!" + +Then, again, the child-mind is absolutely fresh and alert. It is to the +adult mind as is the plastic clay to the baked brick. It is not already +overlaid with impressions; it is not restricted in its elasticity by the +petrifying effects of already-received preconceptions; it is +refreshingly new and instantly impressionable. It is because of this +that a youngster wrote: "_A vacuum is nothing shut up in a box._" It is +because of this, too, that the little girl said: "The zebra is like a +horse, only striped _and used to illustrate the letter Z_." Owing its +origin to the same freshness of view, we get the following: Two children +being awakened one morning and being told that they had a new little +brother, were keen, as children are, to know whence and how he had come. +"It must have been the milkman," said the girl. "Why the milkman?" asked +her little brother. "_Because it says on his cart_, '_Families +supplied_,'" replied the sister. Not less quaintly ingenuous and fresh +is the reply of a little chap in a Nature-study lesson. "Think," said +the teacher, "of a little creature that wriggles about in the earth and +sometimes comes to the top through a tiny hole." A small boy in a +pinafore put up his hand joyously. "Well?" queried the teacher. "A +worm," said the small boy. "Yes," said the teacher, "now think of +another little creature that wriggles about in the earth and comes to +the top through a small hole." Up went the joyous hand again. "Well?" +asked the teacher. "_Another worm!_" shouted Tommy in triumph. + +The workings of the child-mind, the quaint, homely wisdom and shrewdness +that it not infrequently displays, and the pathos that--so far as the +working-class children are concerned--it so often discovers, are +engrossingly interesting. Take the case of the reply to the Inspector +who, putting a "Mental Arithmetic" question, asked: "If I had three +glasses of beer on this table and your father came in and drank one, how +many would be left?" "None, sir," at once replied a very small urchin. +"But you don't understand my question," retorted the inspector, +proceeding to repeat it. This he did several times, always receiving the +same unwavering assurance, "None, sir!" At last he said: "Ah, my boy, it +is clear you don't know mental arithmetic." "_But I know my father_," +answered the boy. + +Again, there is the instance of the little chap driven into desperation +and escaping by a wild stretch of the imagination. "Who made the world?" +snapped out a rather testy inspector years ago to a class of very small +boys. No answer. Several times he repeated the question, getting louder +and more angry each time. At last a poor little fellow, kneading his +eyes vigorously with his knuckles, blubbered out: "_Please, sir, it was +me. But I won't do it any more!_" Which recalls to me the old Scotch +chestnut: "Why did the priest and the Levite pass by on the other side, +child?" "_Because the puir man had been robbed already!_" was the reply. + +Much of the school-room humour purveyed for the delectation of us elders +by the unconscious wits of the schoolroom is provoked by quaint pieces +of "Composition." Of these I give later a number. One of the most +amusing is that by a young lady in the Sixth Standard, who very frankly +and faithfully expresses her views on "Schoolmasters." She writes so +candidly, that I produce her essay here as a wholesome corrective to +professional vanity and as an acute witness to the necessity to "see +ourselves as others see us":-- + + "Schoolmasters are a class of people who have a tendency to a + bad temper, and who are generally armed with a cane. We have a + very good sample at our school, for we have a schoolmaster who + is, as a rule, 'better in health than temper,' especially when + we have Geography. To hear most schoolmasters talk you would + think that they never did wrong in their lives; and, of course, + they will tell you that when they went to school they never used + to talk, and they never got the stick; but whether they used to + talk in school or not I do not know. All I can say is, that they + can talk like magpies when they are outside. Well, I suppose we + must have schoolmasters, or we should all be very ignorant + indeed----." + +Much fun is got out of the weird and fearfully contrived "Notes" which +teachers receive from the poorer working-class parents. I have not dwelt +much on these, as I never see one of these "Notes" without feeling more +inclined to cry than to laugh. If the State had known and had done its +duty earlier there would be less melancholy fun in these self-same +parental "Notes." I will only dare to reproduce two here:-- + + "Pleas Sur, Jonnie was kep home to day. I have had twins. _It + shant ocur again._ Yours truely Mrs. Smith." + +The other is given in the stories which follow; but it is worth +repeating:-- + + "Plese excuse mary being late as she _as been out on a herring_!" + +It is the fact, and it is not altogether to be wondered at, that the +Scripture lesson is a prime source of juvenile undoing. The proper names +used are so hard and unfamiliar, and the scope of the subject is so +often so far beyond the children's capacity, that the wonder is that the +misconceptions and errors are so few. Then, again, the children mostly +learn their Scripture texts and so on _viva voce_ from the teacher. Many +repetitions cause them to distort the words; and then when they come to +write them down the result is, not to put too fine a point upon it, as +Mr. Snagsby would say, startling. The classical instance is that given +in the report of the "Newcastle" Commission on the Condition of +Elementary Education in 1855. The questions were: "What is thy duty +towards God?" and "What is thy duty towards thy neighbour?" Here are the +two answers given by the Commissioners:-- + + "My duty toads God is to bleed in Him, to fering and to loaf + withold your arts, withold my mine, withold my sold, and with my + sernth, to whirchp and give thanks, to put my old trash in Him, + to call upon Him, to onner His old name and His world, and to + save Him truly all the days of my life's end." "My dooty toads + my nabers, to love him as thyself, and to do to all men as I wed + thou shall and to me; to love onner, and suke my farther and + mother; to onner and to bay the Queen and all that are pet in a + forty under her; to smit myself to all my gooness, teaches, + sportial pastures, and marsters, &c., &c." + +One of the funniest of mistakes made by the daily verbal reiteration of +phrases neither understood nor seen in black and white is the story of +the boy who came back from a visit to an aquarium and was very +disappointed that they had not shown him "_the timinies_." After some +cross-examination the mystery was cleared up. It will be fully +appreciated if I recite the fact that "in six days the Lord made heaven +and earth, the sea, _and all that in them is_." + +What I may, for lack of a better definition, describe as an oblique +method of applying what those very learned and very dull people the +Psychologists call "the Principle of Association of Ideas" is another +fruitful source of laughable errors. For instance, teach a child that +"_tigress_" is the feminine of "_tiger_"; now proceed to tell it that +_"a fort" is a place in which soldiers live_; the odds are that if you +ask it at once what "_a fortress_" is it will say that it _is a place +for soldiers' wives to live in_! So it will tell you that "_Shero_" is +the feminine of "_Hero_," and "_Madam_" of "_Adam_"! You may also get +"_Buttress_" as "_the wife of a Butler_." Certainly I have seen +"_Pedigree is a Schoolmaster_," and "_Filigree is a list of your +descendants!_" + +Tell a youngster that "_an optician_" is a person who looks after your +eyes and then ask what "_a pessimist_" is, the odds are some little +gamin will reply, "_A person who looks after your feet_," or "_your +hands_," or "_your ears_," or "_your legs_," as the fancy strikes him. +Describe "_an Apostle_" and then say, "_Now what's an Epistle?_" and you +may get, "_The wife of an Apostle._" You may also get "_Primate_" as the +wife of "_a Prime Minister_." + +It is very curious to note how children are attracted by Mr. +Chamberlain. He and King Edward are the two public men whose names +appear most often in their "Pieces of Composition." Such men as the +Prime Minister, the Duke of Devonshire, and even Lord Rosebery--always +popular figures with adults--have no attractions for the youngsters. +Indeed, Mr. Chamberlain provokes one of the funniest things in the whole +of the anecdotes which I have ventured to relate. "_He is a man_," +writes a young hopeful, "_who broke out among other people_!" Isn't that +just delicious? I am half inclined to think that the distinguished +Parliamentarian who just now leads the House of Commons would utter a +fervent "Hear! hear!" were that simple and yet striking answer rehearsed +to him. + +What quiet humour, too, there is in that rare definition of "_Etc._": +"_It is a sign used to make believe you know more than you do!_" Take, +again, the reason given for David's preference. Why would he rather be a +doorkeeper in the house of the Lord? "_Because he could walk about +outside while the sermon was being preached!_" Could anything be more +convincing? Or take, again, that rare new axiom that outeuchres Euclid: +"_When you are in the middle you are half over!_" Did ever the +self-evident truth stand more completely foursquare and without need of +proof? + +Still again, take the reason given for putting a hyphen between _bird_ +and _cage_: "_For the bird to perch on!_" Not less conclusive is the +little one's reply in the lesson on "The elephant and his trunk." "Now +my dear," says the amiable and hopeful infants' mistress, "you shall +tell me what _your_ nose is for." "_Us haves it to wipe, miss!_" Which +recalls the rough, commonsense reproof which a Roman Catholic priest +once gave a distinguished inspector who was examining a class of ragged +little Standard II. gamins in a poor town school in the western country: +"_What_, boys," he asked, "_is the function of a verb_?" Blank silence +reigned until the priest stepped up to the inspector and said _sotto +voce_: "_You are an old ass----! It's as much as we can do here to get +these youngsters to stand upright and keep their noses clean!_" + +But let me without further running--and more or less +impertinent--comment try to classify my budget of anecdotes and let them +speak for themselves. I will only add to this critical comment the fact +that the stories which follow have been collected assiduously and stored +up jealously during the thirty years I have been connected with +schoolmastering either as Board School teacher, a London School Board +member, or as editor of the organ of the National Union of Teachers, +_The Schoolmaster_, in the columns of which journal most of them have +from time to time appeared. + + + + + CHAPTER III. + + A BUDGET OF QUAINT DEFINITIONS. + + TEACHER: "_Name the head of the English Church._" + ALFRED THE SMALL: "_The Archipelago of Canterbury!_" + + +I shall endeavour, as far as possible, to classify my collection of +stories. And in pursuance of this purpose I cannot, perhaps, do better +than start out with some quaint definitions. + + * * * * * + +WITH A RING OF TRIUMPH.--A class of infants was being taught a +recitation in which the word "battledore" occurred. The teacher asked if +any child knew the meaning. Only one child raised his hand, and, with a +ring of triumph in his voice, gave the answer: "_A door what a soldier +comes out of._" + + * * * * * + +"WHAT THEY CALL A WATERSHED."--Asked to write a definition of "A +Watershed" one potential Christopher Columbus wrote: "A watershed is a +thing that when the soil in part of a river stands straight up on one +side and slants tremendously the other side, the water is obliged to go +up the soil on one side and come slanting down the other side--that is +what they call a watershed." + + * * * * * + +A NEW VIEW OF THE CONSTITUTION.--"A Limited Monarchy," wrote a small +boy, "is a government by a monarchy, who in case of bankruptcy would not +be responsible for the entire national debt. In private life you have +the same thing with a Limited Liability Company." + + * * * * * + +CONCERNING THE HERETIC.--"A Heretic," wrote a practical young person, +"is one who never would believe what he was told, but only after seeing +it and hearing it himself with his own eyes." + + * * * * * + +NOT SO FAR OUT.--"The Court of Chancery," wrote another, "is called this +because they take care of property there on the chance of an owner +turning up." + + * * * * * + +SHORT TITLE AND DESCRIPTION.--"The Five Mile Act was passed," according +to one youthful historian, "by Queen Victoria to prevent loafing and +drunkenness in public-houses. People must prove that they had travelled +five miles before they would be supplied with beer and spirits. This +made people ashamed to get so drunk as before." The youthful essayist is +clearly muddling "the _bona fide_ traveller" clause with the provisions +of a much more ancient statute. + + * * * * * + +ROUGH ON THE BARBER.--Teacher (after class had read of St. Paul's +adventures among the "barbarians of Melita"): "What is a Barbarian?" +Pupil: "_A man who cuts hair, sir!_" + + * * * * * + +A NEW AXIOM.--In the Euclid lesson the teacher asked, after explaining +the meaning of An Axiom, if a boy could give one of his own. A lad +replied: "_When you are in the middle you are half-way over._" And who +shall say him nay? + + * * * * * + +A MEDIATOR.--"Well, John," asked the master, "what is a Mediator?" +John's face beamed knowingly: "_A fellow who says hit me instead!_" he +promptly retorted. + + * * * * * + +B.A.!--During a reading lesson, taken from Standard III. Historical +Reader, the pupil teacher asked what the letters "B.C." represented. On +receiving the answer "Before Christ," she ventured to improve the +opportunity by asking for the meaning of other abbreviations, amongst +which was B.A. A little girl at once said: "_Before Adam!_" + + * * * * * + +ETC.!--"What do we imply when we use this abbreviation?" asked the +teacher. "_It is a sign_," said a young one very sententiously, "_which +is used to make believe you know more than you really do!_" + + * * * * * + +"PAINTED ON THE WATER-CARTS."--"What is a Martyr?" asked the inspector. +"_A water-cart._" "A water-cart?" "_Yes, sir._" The inspector was +puzzled; but after long cogitation he recalled the fact that he was in +the parish of St. George the Martyr. This parish does its own +contracting, and the boy has seen "_St. George the Martyr_" _painted on +the water-carts_. + + * * * * * + +WHAT IS A ZEBRA?--A class of Standard II. in a small town in +Westmoreland was once questioned about the zebra. There seemed to be a +great lack of knowledge about it, and the young teacher strove with +heroic patience to draw some answer from his pupils. Great was the +delight of both teacher and class on receiving the following apt +definition from one of their number: "_Please, sir, it's like a donkey +with a Kendal Hornet's jersey on._" + + * * * * * + +"JOGRAPHY."--"Well, little boys, and what _is_ Geography?" beamed the +inspector, after getting correctly some names of rivers, mountains, &c. +No answer for two minutes by the clock. Then one timid hand is raised in +answer to the question: "_Please, sir, jography is a ball on which we +live!_" This recalls the story of the boy who was asked for a proof that +the world is round. His answer was: "_It says in the Bible, World +without end!_" + + * * * * * + +TRUE BOTH WAYS.--Some years ago, writes a teacher, I used to take +Standard I. on Wednesday afternoons for a talk on the subject of +Geography. I had on one occasion a magnet and a compass, and was amusing +the little ones with the magnet. They seemed to have some idea of the +meaning and use of the compass, and it occurred to me whether they knew +what a mariner was, so I asked them. No answer. After some time one +precocious very small boy ventured: "_Please, sir, it's a young man what +goes after a young ooman_." [Query: "_a-marrying her._"] + + * * * * * + +TOUCHING THE EQUATOR.--"What," demanded the inspector, "is the Equator?" +"The Equator," said one ingenious hopeful, "is a _menagerie lion_ +running round the centre of the earth." + + * * * * * + +ABOUT THE STRETCHER.--A London infant school. The Raising of the Widow's +Son. Illustrations, Religious Tract Society Scripture Roll. Story told +by teacher. Pointing to the bier: "What is he lying on?" _Ans._: "A +stretcher."--_Ques._: "What _is_ a stretcher?" _Ans._: "_Wot lydies +rides on when they gets drunk!_" + + * * * * * + +TEN BRIEF ONES.--"The Chartists were men who compelled King John to +sign Magna Charta."--"The Luddites were shells fired by the +Boers."--"Sir Joseph Chamberlain invented fiscal policy, and +generally wears an orchard in his coat."--"By the Salic Law no woman +can become King."--"Wat Tyler was the leader of the Pheasants' +Revolt."--"The Channel Islands consist of Jersey, Gansey, Alderman, +and Shark."--"_Quid pro quo_ means paying a sovereign for goods of +the given value!"--"Poetry is when every line begins with a capital +letter."--"Parliament is a place where they go up to London _to talk +about Birmingham_!"--"The principal parts of the eye are the pupil, the +moat, and the beam." + + * * * * * + +SOME INGENIOUS ONES.--_Ques._: "What are Bacteria?" _Ans._: "A kind +of chair for invalids."--_Ques._: "What is meant by the term +_celestial pole_?" _Ans._: "_A heavenly perch._"--_Ques._: "Which is +the first and great Commandment?" _Ans._: "_Hang all the law and the +prophets!_"--_Ques._: "What is Lava?" _Ans._: "The stuff a barber puts +on your face."--_Teacher_ (pointing to an _oblique_ line): "What kind +of line is that?" _Scholar_: "A _hori-slant-al_ line."--_Teacher_: +"What does the abdomen contain?" _Scholar_: "The stomach, liver, and +_interestines_."--_Teacher_: "What did the doctor say about your +throat?" _Scholar_: "He said I must not eat any _solemn_ +food."--_Teacher_: "Who was Guy Fawkes?" _First Pupil_: "Guy Fox was a +man who tried to destroy Parliament." (Girl's answer.) _Second Pupil_: +"Guy Forks is a man made by another man." (Boy's answer.)--_Teacher_: +"Say what you know about Columbus." _Scholar_: "Columbus saw two +blue-eyed Saxon boys in the market-place to be sold as slaves. +He turned away with his heart full of thoughts."--_Ques._: "Who +is Mr. Chamberlain?" _Ans._: "A man who broke out among other +people."--_Ques._: "What is a Bay?" _Ans._: "A Bay's a piece of land, +which the sea has washed away and made a hollow."--_Ques._: "Who were +the Lollards?" _Ans._: "The Lollards were men who used to sing in the +streets."--_Ques._: "Who was Cardinal Wolsey?" _Ans._: "Cardinal Wolsey +was a haughty prelate. He permitted his hat to be carried before him on +a cushion."--_Ques._: "Who was Cranmer?" _Ans._: "Cranmer was Archbishop +of Oxford University, and was burnt at a steak."--_Ques._: "In what +character was Mrs. Scott-Siddons painted by Gainsborough?" _Ans._: "The +tragic mouse."--_Ques._: "What do you understand by the Salic Law?" +_Ans._: "The Salic Law forbade any man descended from a woman inheriting +the throne."--_Ques._: "What are the chief mountains of Scotland?" Ans.: +"Ben Nevis, Ben Lomond, and Ben Jonson."--_Ques._: "How many senses have +we? Name them." _Ans._: "We have two senses, wrong and right."--_Ques._: +"How is silence expressed in music?" _Ans._: "Silence in music is +expressed by putting your feet on the paddles."--_Ques._: "What is a +blizzard?" _Ans._: "The inside of a fowl." + + + + + CHAPTER IV. + + "I NOW TAKE MY PEN IN HAND." + + A policeman passes. + + SMITH MINOR, aged 9: "_I shall be a bobby when I grow up!_" + + SMITH MAJOR, aged 11: "_No! my dear child. You'll never have + the feet for it!_" + + +The curious workings of the child-mind are nowhere more conspicuously +illustrated than in the little essays and "pieces of composition" which +they are set to write. Of course many of the children in the poorer +elementary schools possess only a very limited and very primitive +vocabulary. Hence, when they adventure upon rather long and unfamiliar +words--conscientiously trying to reproduce what they have just heard the +teacher say in the general verbal description of the story to be +committed by them to paper--they often achieve fantastic results. But +far more interesting is the fresh and original view of a given situation +which emerges. Far more interesting, too, are the homely wit and the +shrewd wisdom which these wholly delightful little efforts display. Let +these attest. + + * * * * * + +"IT WOULD BE WORTH IT."--"What would you do with £5?" having been set to +a class of girls, the following was one of the forthcoming replies: +"Dear Teacher,--If I had five pounds of my very own to do just what I +like with, I should go on a railway journey and pull the alarm signal +and just see what really would happen. Of course the five pounds would +go to pay the fine; but I think it would be worth it.--I remain your +loving ----." + + * * * * * + +MAN'S CLEVERNESS.--In a composition on Man a boy wrote, among other +things: "Man is the only animal that can strike a light, and also he is +the only animal that blows his nose." + + * * * * * + +WHY THEY PUNCH THE TICKET.--In a piece of composition on "A Railway +Journey" a girl writes: "You have to get a ticket, which is a piece of +paper, and you give it to a man, who cuts a hole in it _to let you pass +through_." + + * * * * * + +GUNPOWDER PLOT.--"Gunpowder plot," wrote a nine-year-old youngster, +"died in the year 1603. They gave Guyfawlks 100 of pounds for to blow up +the parlament. Gunpowder plot married Sir Philp Sidny. Gunpowder plot +had a battle with Guyfawlks. Guyfawlks wone the battle." + + * * * * * + +SHOULD MAKE A GOOD JOURNALIST.--The other day I told my class (Standard +VII.) to write me an account of an imaginary expedition to the North +Pole. Here is an extract from one paper: "At last, we reached the North +Pole. _We sailed into the harbour and went to see the town!_" + + * * * * * + +CONCERNING THE PIG.--Standard V. Boy: "A pig when living has four legs, +but when you kill it the butcher says it only has two, because he calls +the front legs shoulders and the back legs are called hams. Ham tastes +nice, and they boil it to eat at a wedding. The missus sprinkles little +bits of toast on it to make it look pretty." + + * * * * * + +CONCERNING HARES (Standard III. Composition).--"Young hairs are called +leveretts. Hairs sleep much. They always sleep with their eyes open. +Hairs have no eyelashes. Their four legs are shorter than their hind +legs. Their ear-ring is remarkably good. Hairs pass their lives in +soletude and silents. They are often hunted on horseback and by hownds." + + * * * * * + +ON "AN INSECT."--"An insect's body is made up of ringed segments. When +we tread on beetles we hear them crack, that is the segments. Insects +have not red blood it is a sort of white liquid squas a fly and you will +see what colour blood it has. The fly likes to lay its eggs in meat +where the maggots will have food for she must die soon and will not be +able to feed her brood." + + * * * * * + +THE CAMEL (by a beginner).--"Its nest is a very mean one, made of twigs, +leaves, &c. It has a large body, and it is able to carry it full of +water. It has two humps of fat on its back, on which it is able to feed +when it is hungry. Its feet are webbed, in which it is able to cross the +desert. Its air is used to make brushes which are used for painting. It +also lays eggs. It eats worms." + + * * * * * + +THE SALVATION ARMY (Standard IV.).--"The Salvation Army is mostly on the +street. The women in it cover up all their hair with funny sorts of +bonnets that stick out in front to keep the rain off their faces. +Sometimes they have names on their hats like sailors. They make a deal +of noise the worsed two is called captain and leftennant. They tell +people about Jesus and make collections." + + * * * * * + +GIBRALTAR.--"Gibraltar is a strait on the west coast of France. It is +famous for a beautiful rock. It is about one mile wide and five miles +long. The English people took Gibraltar, and they placed a great many +big guns there. There are a great many people at Gibraltar called apes. +And the other people are very proud of them because they are the only +apes in Gibraltar. It is said they came from America." + + * * * * * + +ALCOHOL AND THE BLOOD.--"Of what is our blood composed, and what effect +has alcohol upon it?" This was the question. The following is the +written answer: "It is made up of five million red insects and one +thousand white ones to every drop of blood. If alcohol is taken it +causes these insects to dry up and die and come to the front of the +body. Sometimes it is from this cause that people who drink alcohol are +red in the face." + + * * * * * + +THE ANCIENT BRITONS.--It was the first year of compulsory composition, +and Standard III. were asked to reproduce a lesson on the Ancient +Britons in their own words. One young hopeful wrote: "The acient britons +had no close on, they painted a wode on there body and it kept them a +bit warm, there chief men was called druids and my farther is one, they +call them acient britons becose it is a long time since." + + * * * * * + +PERSEVERANCE. [Essayist aged 10.]--"Were theirs a will theirs a way. +This is a very old proverb that has to do with what I'm writing. If we +nearly always succeed we always is getting on, but if we don't succeed, +we should try till we dose and then we should do it again which is a +very wise way to persever. People who sits down never gets on and People +who gets on dont sit down. We should all get on because it is the best +thing to do at all times. We will have trails (trials?) but we must try +again until them trails is gone." + + * * * * * + +TOUCHING BREAD.--The exercise was, "Write an essay on Bread." The +following was the result: "Bread is made with flour and barm and is very +useful. It is used for the people to eat and feeds them right. The bread +gets cheapper every year sometimes. The bread as raised this year. But +the people says it is getting the right weather. The bread is needed up +by men and women. It is best when the men make the bread. Some of the +women says that brown bread is good for their health. Bread is sometimes +used for bread potises. Bread is a useful food escpecially the crust. +But crust is the best for to make peoples hair curel. Bread is used for +making sop for children. The bread is made with flour, barm, and water." + + * * * * * + +A JAPANESE LAD'S DIARY.--This is an extract from a diary kept by a +Japanese boy who, when he wrote it, was a pupil of an English school in +China. The boy was sixteen years of age, and had been studying English +for two and a half years:--"19th January.--I was up before the school's +clock struck six. On going to the washing chamber I found that the day +was not very severe. I went to my cover (cupboard) and obtained the soap +and sponge; the water was not so cold as previous days, but as usual +when I finished washing my fingers lost sense. I dressed myself and rang +the bell at 7 o'clock punctually. At about 10 minutes past 7 Mr. A. +wanted me. He wished me to descend the stairs and command the boy (chief +house servant) to attend to him and also to see whether the fire was +made in the studio. I obeyed implicity, but just as I was descending the +stairs I caught sight of the boy, so immediately told him to go to Mr. +A.; the fire was already made in downstairs. I rang the second bell and +went into the dormitory to see all the boys. They were then all out of +beds and dressing, there was nobody late. The bell was rang at 8 o'clock +and we had finished our repast at half past. The school bell was rang at +quarter to nine and Mr. B. took us in. The head master then came down. I +learned copying, mathematics, algebra, composition. Our ball was fix by +the Tiffin time, so we blew it up and had a fine game. The school began +again at two. Shorthand, book-keeping, grammar, were the subjects of +that afternoon. At four all the scholars came out. The football was then +in the playground, attended by several boys. I joined in with Mr. A. who +sided with me. A French-school lad appeared at the gate and was +discussing with Brown. I did not know what were they disputing until +Brown called me and told that he came as a messenger from the above +school to say that they like to challenge us to play football. I thought +it would be very pleasant to have a game with them so I said we will be +able to accept the challenge. We thought it well to take Mr. A. and Mr. +B., and told them about it. The messenger went away to make enquiry +about it. I went with him and ask if they agree willingly, they told me +they should have Mr. C. if we take the above two. I came home and +diffused among the fellows that I have heard. Brown said that it would +be much better to withhold Mr. A. and B., but I gave no answer to it. +The evening came. A friend called upon me, and said that he was going to +bestow upon me his photo. I accompanied him, and was delighted at the +receipt of his image. I came home with it, and delighted to hear the +dinner-bell. At half past seven our dinner was over, and I rang the +night school-bell. All came into the studio (school) and did their work. +At nine o'clock I went up and jumped into bed to become oblivious." + + * * * * * + +AN ESSAY ON AN ELECTION.--During a recent District Council election a +great deal of enthusiasm was shown in this place. Two days after a +teacher gave her class (Standard VII.) an essay to write on "An +Election." The essay which follows is a complete and word-for-word copy +of the effort of one of the girls in the class: "An election means two +things. First, the voice of the people spoken by choosing the most +eligible person or persons to represent their creed, requirements, or +grievances. Secondly, an election means lies, treachery, hypocrisy, +drunkenness, anxiety, disappointment, and glorification. God save us +from having another for twelve months." + + * * * * * + +A HAT'S AUTOBIOGRAPHY.--"Fancy yourself an old hat," said the teacher. +"Now write about yourself." Result: "I am an old hat telling you all +about me. I am trimmed with velvet, and when any one take me out the +people stand in the doorway laughing at me, and I am not pleased with +them. I dont turn sulky like some boy's and girls do when any one call +them. My hat is trimmed with green velvet, satan, flowers, cherries, and +a large hostrige feather. When I go out the cherries in my hat tieses +the birds. I was bought in a large hat shop in leeds. I was bought in a +shop down briggate. It cost more than six shillings. I think I have told +you all I know, and so I will say no more at present." + + * * * * * + +AT THE MENAGERIE.--"Describe," said the teacher, "in a letter to a +friend, your visit yesterday to the menagerie." Here is one of the +letters: "Dear Fred,--About a week ago I went to a manajery in our town. +The price to pay was tuppence and it was well worth the money. Their +were a great number of animals. The animals what made the biggest row +was the Kings of the beasts and a wild cat they had got. Their were a +cage full of monkeys which was doing funny tricks, some was catching +fleas and eating them. Their was a Elephant and a Kamel that give rides +for a penny. Stodgy Mathers tumbled of and made his nose bleed, he did +howl. There was various kinds of birds, such as the vulture, the Golden +eagle and kangaroo, besides macaws and other ferocious animals. There +was an horse. It had a main 13 feet long worth £10000. The man what +entered the Lions den was the tamer. He was dressed in tites. When he +went in he closed the door quick for fear they should spring out and +devour the people. He soon made the lions do whatever they like. Lions +are ferocious animals. The colour of the lion is yellow, also brown, +though some are also red. Tigers are no use only to eat up men and +called the maneater, likewise women and little babys, besides others. If +a man was to meet a tiger in a lonely forest he would never forget it. +The elephant is remarkable for its prodijous strenth. Its trunk is +useful to drink up and eating. Their was also a policeman at the door to +keep disordered people and children out of mischief. Policemen are +useful things when on duty. The colour of them is blue with a big helmet +on. In a cage up a corner sat a grilla eating, and which its teeth is +very sharp, and its claws. I saw some lepords and a zebra and a funny +lobsided thing called a giraf. I saved my penny and bought some nuts +which I gave the monkeys. One big faced fellow was so greedy he +swallowed one of my nuts whole and it nearly choked him. He rubbed his +stummick and choked and grasped for breath until the tears rolled down +his cheeks. I thought I should die laughing. Greediness never prospers. +I also witnessed a fight between an hyeena and a wolf. Wolfs is +ferocious animals. It was amusing to watch two monkeys fighting over a +ginger bread. The biggest caught the other by the tail and dropped him +on the floor with a crash on his head. I left then and went home and had +a good tea.--your respectably, ----." + + * * * * * + +ON GOVERNMENT.--The exercise was an essay "On Government"--after, of +course, a little disquisition by the teacher. The result:--"Our country +has a King who can't do anything but what he ought to. There were +Georges I., II., III., and IV., but there was eight Henrys. There is +also houses called the Houses of Parliament. One of these is full of +lords, called the House of Lords, but the other is only built for them +gentlemen as perhaps you have seen some of them and it is called the +House of Common. No gentlemen can get in there unless they know as he +can make laws. But the King has to look them over and see as they are +made right. These Commons are called Conservatives and Liberals, and +they try and hinder one another as much as they can. They sometimes have +sides, and then you see it on the plackards, and you can hear men and +your fathers a talking quarrelling about it. Our country is governed a +lot better than France, and Germany comes about next. Then there's a lot +of others, and then comes Persia. Our country allways comes first, +whoever you like to ask." + + * * * * * + +BABIES.--"Write me a piece of composition on Babies," said the teacher. +Here is a boy's effort on, to him, an obviously uncongenial +topic:--"Babys are little red things without bones nor teeth. They have +various sises, but just after they are borned, they are called bypeds; +their bones are grisle. They are 2 sects, male and female; and are also +very fat. When very young they do not have much hair; so you cannot tell +wether they will turn into boys or girls until their hair grows. They +are always asleep only when crying. They feed them on milk, or chue a +injyrubber tit, also their thum. When they are very little, they ware +pettycoats same as girls; but boys soon wear jacket and trowsers. Girls +are softer than boys, so they have to keep on wearing pettycoats, +frocks, and &c., all their lives. Some babys have to be borned, and the +doctor brings some, when the people have got plenty of money. Women and +girls go silly over babys, and kiss them all over, and say silly things. +That's why girls have dolls when they haven't any little brothers. +Everybody as to be a baby first. Once, before I can remember, I was a +little baby. Mother says, when I had my furst trowser suit on, she put +me on the table in frunt of the looking glass, and when I seen myself in +the mirrow, I screamed out, 'Take them off!' 'Take them off!' 'It isnt +me! It isnt me!' and they had to take them off. That's all I know about +babys." + + * * * * * + +RIVAL VIEWS.--One day, recently, a teacher gave for composition to the +boys and girls in the upper standards an essay on "Boys" (for the girls) +and "Girls" (for the boys). The following extracts represent fairly +accurately the general tone of the opinions expressed by both sides +respectively:-- + +_Concerning "Boys."_--"Boys are mischievous and jolly ... some are +gentle."--"They dress differently from each other.... Many boys are very +lazy."--"Most boys are very clever.... They are very clumsy and +clodhoppers."--"Some of the boys play very roughly and clumsily. They +run about and step on each other's feet.... They do not very often +agree."--"The boys talk more than the girls."--"Very few are +gentle."--"Boys are male people."--"They are not much use to help their +mothers in house-work."--"Their mothers put them nice and tidy, but some +of them go and get ragged again." + +_Concerning "Girls."_--"Most girls are very shy and angry."--"They sew +and darn the boys' stockings."--"Their work is tidy and clean."--"They +talk very silently."--"They have thin, weak voices."--"Girls dress up +about mid-day, and go out, while the poor boys are hard at +work."--"Girls have a kind of false pride about them. A girl will have +feathers and flowers in her hat just to show off."--"Most of them are +tall and delicate, and they have long legs and little tiny +voices."--"Some girls have their hair frizzed up and some wavered." + + * * * * * + +THE WHALE (by a ten-year-old).--"The Whale is not called a fish, because +it is so big, so it is called a creature. They eat cockles and worms and +jellies, and people catches the whales with a fishing rod or a net, they +have to let the rope out so the whale dies for loss of breath. The +whales swim in shols [shoals] and they have a tarpoon at the end of +their tails, when he moves his tail, with one blow he will smash the +side of the ship. It has a very big head, and two fins or flappers, on +one side of its body. Whales got to come up out of the water on to the +land for to breath with their mouths, if he sees any people about he +will swallow them up for he has very big jar bones, and strong teeth +called whaleboners. Fishmongers catches whales an sail them. Some people +eat whales with salt and piper and bread, and some with potatoes. If you +keep a whales head under water he will die for want of breath. When they +have finished with the whale they send it adrift to get some more spern +oil." + + * * * * * + +A PAT ANSWER.--The following story was read to a class of girls to be +reproduced as a composition exercise:--"A gentleman was out driving in a +dog-cart with his coachman, who was an Irishman, when the horse took +fright and bolted. The coachman did his best, but it was evident that +the beast had got beyond his control. 'Pat,' said the gentleman, 'I'd +give five pounds to be out of this trap.' 'Yer honour needn't be so +extravagant; ye'll be out of it for nothing presently!' He had scarcely +finished speaking when the wheel was caught by a heap of stones at the +roadside, and both men were shot over the hedge into an adjoining +field." "Now, girls," said the teacher, "_three marks extra for the most +suitable title for this story_." Up went a forest of hands, and many and +varied, if somewhat commonplace, were the titles suggested. But a +comical twist on the face of a grey-eyed little Irish maiden in the +front row took the teacher's attention. "Well, Norah, what title do you +suggest?" "_A cheap outing!_" said Norah demurely. + + * * * * * + +ON SMOKING.--The following is an essay by a Standard V. boy. It was +written after a lecture by Dr. ---- on the Evils of Smoking: "Boys wish +to be manly in their ways and habbits, this is right but in some ways it +is wrong because in somethings which men does is not for boys to do. +Somethings which men does might not hurt them but it would hurt boys. +One thing is harmful to both men and boys or women that is bad language +it is a dreadful thing to hear women children and men using bad language +in all of the earth. But there is another bad habit of which boys follow +the example of men and this is a very harmful habit to boys and to most +men as well as boys. This habit is smoking with tobacco which in the +British Isle is carry on very much both with men and children and +sometimes women. Every time you go out if it is only just outside the +door you see men or boys smoking. Now when you are smoking people say +they have a stinging taste on their tongue if they only knew what this +taste is I am sure they would never smoke again for if you was to tell +them the number of gases which contained in tobacco they would +immediately take out their tobacco and pipe or cigarettes and throw them +away. For in the tobacco is a number of poisonous gases which when the +smoke is indulge into the mouth the different poisons run to certain +parts of the body, some gases go to lungs and others to liver and to the +heart and nerves and brain and sometimes it iffects the mind and +hearing. The names of some of these gases are hydrogen, prussic acid gas +and carbonic acid gas and nicotine which is the most iffectable on the +body and another of them called sulpherette carbonic gas. Smokers are +always liable to indigestion which is brought on by these gases which is +performed in smoking, besides these gases is another which is known as +monoxine. If you ask a athlette if smoking was good for him he would +tell plump no it is not for it shortens the wind and makes the muscles +feeble. Another thing it deases your body and brings on heart desease. +It is bad for a man to smoke but it is worst to a growing lad for it +injures the growth and makes your limbs shakey. Boys who smoke when they +are young never occasionully live a long life, nor never grow to height +because it shivers (_i.e._ shrivels) up your liver and bye and bye you +have none at all and then you die and it brings on cancer which is +another dead desease." + + * * * * * + +WHAT CONSTITUTES A GENTLEMAN. [Standard VII.]--"People sometimes think +that when men are dressed in nice clothes they are gentlemen but that is +not the case, a gentleman is a man who knows his manners. Down in the +West End and City there are great swells, but people think that because +they have nice clothes they are swells, but some are more like pigs. We +might see a tramp walking along a street who as hardly no boots nor +clothes but very likely he has his manners. A real gentleman ought to +know his manners, and also not to swear. A gentleman might be walking +along a street and meet a young lady, he would go up to her and raise +his hat, and say, good evening dear come along a me she would and when +he left her he would say good night darling, and ask her to meet him at +so-an-so." + + * * * * * + +THAT HALF-HOLIDAY.--A thirteen-year-old's description of a Thursday +half-holiday:--"'Pooh, talk about hot weather, I'm nearly suffocated. +This the exclamation of Fred Brown, one day after dinner. 'Why,' said +Tom, 'its Thursday. I only just thought of it. Where shall we go?' There +was silence for a few minutes, then Alf Jones said: 'Let us hire a boat +and row to Marlow, we can take tea.' A hamper was duly packed and +carried down to the river. A boat was procured, it was in rather a bad +condition, but it was the best to be had. They tossed up as to who +should steer, and it fell to Tom, who knew as much about steering as a +hipopotamus. They divested themselves of their coats and settled down to +work. All went well utell they had gone about half a mile they went bang +into some rushes, much to the anoyance of the frogs. When they looked +round for damage they caught sight of Tom's hat float calmly down the +stream. Of course the owner had to rescue it. They extricated themselves +after a while, and resumed the journey without any very terrible +accident, of course catching crabs is nothing. When they had been rowing +for about a hour in the hot sun, they thought Marlow a bit too far for +them, so they landed on an island with some nice trees on it, with the +intention of having tea. They set to work to get out the hamper from the +boat. The spirit bottle, pulled out of a heap of sandwiches, into which +it had fallen, was found to be half full of water, and the spirit gone +and everything else was thoroughly soaked. At Fred Brown's suggestion +the sandwiches were put in the sun to dry. When they were 'cooked' they +sat down to a tealess tea with good appetites. Tom Smith took a sandwich +and had a good mouthful of it, but it did not stay in his mouth long he +said it tasted like a lump of methylated spirit, so nobody had any tea. +They thought it was time to get back. It was a fairly easy time going +back, they were going with the stream. They went home and had some +supper, presently Fred Brown began to groan, when they asked him what +was the matter he said, 'I--I only dr-drank some s-spirit and water, I +th-thought it was le-lemonade, O--O.' Next morning everybody agreed that +they had thoroughly enjoyed themselves." + + * * * * * + +THE LION.--"The lion is the king of all animals. It is very fierce. Lion +has very big pause. It has a dark brown skin. It is got a peace of heir +on its tale and all round its next. The lion life on men and other +things. When the lion is young it is called a cube. The lion are mostly +found in woulds out in other parts of the world. There life are very +unsafe because hunter go out killed them. The lion is very useful. Its +skin is used for making firs and other thing. Its tees are very useful. +The lion is used for showes. It is used in Inder." + + * * * * * + +A SHIPWRECK.--"A shipwreck is an awful thing for sometimes you get wet +and sometimes you get dround and sometimes you get burnt but the last is +the worst. Once a big lyner got upset with a mortal wound in her side +but all the people was saved bar one and he got eat. Sharks and whales +feed on dead bodies and sometimes they eat them alive. We should never +eat fish what eat us because their canybals just like savages. Sailors +catch sharks with a leg of pork and a thick string which they cut up for +whalebone bone and blubber to make train oil." + + * * * * * + +THE CAMEL.--"He is called the ship of the desart because he runs over +the sand like a ship and dont sink in. He runs different to the horse +because he lifts up two legs on one side of his body and then two on the +other. He has about a hundred stumics and each holds about a quart so +when his master kills him he can have a good drink. His hump is made of +fat and he eats this when he cant get grass or hay. Some camels are not +camels because he has two humps and his hair dont grow all over him and +were it dont is called calluses [callosities] because it kneels down and +wears away. The Arab loves his steed better than his wife and in our +books theres a piece about him called the Arab and his steed. His master +was a prisoner and his faithful camel took him round the waist and bore +him swiftly to his morning friends." + + * * * * * + +THE CRUSADES.--"The crusades were a body of men women and children who +followed the red cross. They were invented by Richard the I and flocked +in thousands round him to go to Egypt and some were stricken with deadly +disease but they marched on. Then they began to lessen in number and +fell gradually under the burning sands of Egypt and laden heavy with +heavy armour. At last Peter the Hermit cited Cairo but the Catholicks +bore down on him and he retreated. After travelling about for many weary +months he joined an opera company and was afterwards buried in +Westminster Abbey." + + * * * * * + +ABOUT THE INTERJECTION.--"An interjection is a shout or something said +by a person too surprised or pained or frightened to make a sentence of +his thoughts. It is not quite a human language. The lower animals say +nothing else but interjections. Accordingly, ill-natured and cross +people by their interjections come very near to beasts." + + * * * * * + +CONCERNING ROBERT.--"Policemen are men who are employed by the +Government, to control the boys, ruffians, and all individuals which +annoy or illuse the public. The boys politely term them 'coppers,' the +burglars 'cops' or 'narks.' The cooks are very fond of him, and call him +'dear Robert,' and now they are going 'on strike' cooky will mourn, and +the uneaten rabbit-pie will go into the dustbin, and there will be quite +a gloom over the kitchens of Belgravia. There will be no kissing over +the railings, and if Bobby don't keep his eyes open Tommy Atkins will +collar the cake. Policemen must be over or a certain size, and must have +(I believe) big pedular extremities, as all policemen's feet seem to be +large. They have a fête, not foot, once a year, and then cooky gets a +day off. Then they have kiss-in-the-ring, and other games, which +introduce a mutual contraction of the Orbicularis Oris." + + * * * * * + +WHAT I SHALL DO IN THE HOLIDAYS.--"What I expect to do in my holidays is +the greater part of the time to mind the baby. Two years and a-half old. +Just old enough to run into a puddle or to fall downstairs. Oh! what a +glorious occupation! my aunt or Sunday-school teacher would say, but it +is all very well for them, they ought to have a turn with him. I am +going to have a game at tying doors, tying bundles of mud in paper and +then drop it on the pavement. I shall buy a bundle of wood and tie a +piece of cord to it, and when someone goes to pick it up, lo! it has +vanished--not lost, but gone before. I shall go butterfly catching, and +catch some fish at Snob's Brighton (Lea Bridge). I shall finish up by +having a whacking, tearing my breeches, giving a boy two black eyes, and +then wake up on Monday morning refreshed and quite happy to make the +acquaintance of Mr. ----'s cane." The following, written a little later, +will convince every London teacher that R.H. had practised fishing in +the New River:--"Man goes fishing, takes his rod and enough tackle to +make a telegraph wire and starts on his piscatorial expedition. He +arrives, and happy man is he if he has not forgot something, a hook, his +bait, or his float. He sits there, apparently contented; he catches a +frog or some other fine specimen of natural history, and a cold, and a +jolly good roasting from his bitter half, when he arrives with some +mackerel which he had bought at the fishmonger's. He, poor man, did not +know that they were sea-fish, but his wife did. When juveniles go +fishing they take a willow, their ma's reel of best six-cord, a pickle +jar, and a few worms, and proceed to the New River happy. When they +arrive they catch about fifty (a small thousand they call it), and are +thinking of returning home, when a gent with N. R. on his hat, and a +good ash stick in his hand, comes up. 'Ullo there,' says he, 'what are +you doing there?' 'Fishing, sir,' answer they meekly. The man then takes +away their fish and rod, gives them some whales instead (on their back). +And they return home sadder but wiser boys." + + + + + CHAPTER V. + + THE RELIGIOUS DIFFICULTY. + + TEACHER: "_On what occasion did Our Lord use the words, + 'With God all things are possible'?_" + + SMALL CHILD: "_To the woman who had seven husbands!_" + + +It would be a real novelty to write a book having even the most remote +reference to education without bringing this in. But lest the headline +should terrify the reader with the fearful apprehension that it is my +purpose to plunge once again into the bitter and apparently never-ebbing +waters of religious strife, let me hasten to say that I have no such +maleficent intention. In the classification of my budget of anecdotes I +find I have an abundant selection of those which have arisen in +connection with the daily Scripture lesson; and, as I have already said, +they represent the richest harvest of all. The reasons for this I have +endeavoured to set forth. It only remains for me, in submitting the +following stories, to add that no irreverence is intended. There are, I +know, some curiously constituted people who find offence in the most +ingenuous laugh if provoked by what they deem a sacred subject. I would +respectfully yet firmly adjure them not to read the stories which +immediately follow. + + * * * * * + +THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT--NEW STYLE.--In the first place the daily _viva +voce_ recital of the Commandments leads to quaint distortions when the +youngster comes to commit to paper what he has been saying day by day +for a year or so. Here are two startling variants on the Seventh of the +selfsame Commandments-- + + "_Thou shalt not kick a duckery._" + + "_Thou shalt not come into the country._" + + * * * * * + +SOME NEW VERSIONS OF THE TENTH.--Here is a weird distortion of the +Tenth:-- + +"_Thou shalt not cumt thy neighbours house, thou shalt not cumt thy +neighbours wife, mornin' circus, mornin' 'oss, mornin' ass, mor anything +that is his._" + +Quaint in its way, but not so fearfully and wonderfully contrived, is +the following misquotation also of the Tenth Commandment:-- + +"Thou shalt not covet ... nor his ox, nor his ass, nor anything +_dangerous_!" + + * * * * * + +"THOU SHA'T NOT BOW DEAN!"--Still affecting the Commandments, though a +story of another colour, is the following:-- + +In a village in Yorkshire dwelt the two granddaughters of a former +vicar. These good ladies often met in the streets the children who +attended the village school. On such occasions they expected the latter +to acknowledge them--the boys by raising their hats and the girls by +curtseying. Now one sturdy urchin often disregarded the ladies, and they +accordingly spoke to his father respecting his conduct. The parent +questioned the boy, and soon found out that the complaint laid against +him was true. On being asked why he did not lift his cap, the culprit +replied, "Ah dean't think ah ou't ta dea sa. _Dean't us larn at t' +skeal, 'Thou sha't not bow dean ta ony graven image'?_" + + * * * * * + +IN BRAID YORKSHIRE.--The diocesan inspector was questioning a class of +boys about the story of Joseph as a slave, interpreter, &c., and +incidentally asked the following question: "What did Joseph's father +think when the brothers brought Joseph's coat covered with blood?" The +reply of a small boy quite upset the official's gravity: "Please, sir, +_he thought a coo had tupped him_!" + + * * * * * + +ON BREAD AND CHICKEN.--Imagine the surprise of the schoolmistress when a +little lad, in giving his version of the "Temptation," informed her that +Christ partook of _bread and chicken_ in the wilderness. Judicious +questioning elicited the fact that the young hopeful had based his +opinion upon two extracts: "_Man shall not live by bread alone_," and +"_Get the hens, Satan_!" + + * * * * * + +THREE EVILS.--It was the annual Scripture examination, and the inspector +was questioning a class upon the Catechism. "It was promised for you in +your baptism," said the official inquisitor, "that you would fight +against three great evils. Tell me what they are." "_My godfathers and +godmothers_," was the reply of one youth. + + * * * * * + +IN THE APPLICATION THEREOF.--The school had been closely questioned by +the inspector in Scripture, and at last a bright idea seemed to strike +him, for he said: "Suppose Christ came into this room now and offered to +perform a miracle for you, what would you ask him to do?" There was +silence for some moments, and then up went a hand. The inspector asked +for a reply, which was: "_Cast out a devil, sir!_" + + * * * * * + +A BASTE BUT NOT A BULL.--The following occurred in a Dublin school +during the Scripture lesson:--"What does the Bible say will happen to +the proud?" asked the examiner. "_Please, sir, they will become +animals_," replied one bright little chap. "Oh, that's a curious answer. +What text have you to prove it?" queried the interrogator. "He that +humbleth himself shall be exalted, and he that exalteth himself _shall +be a baste_!" promptly replied one of the youngest of Ould Oireland's +hopefuls. + + * * * * * + +THE FLESH POTS.--A class was in the habit of singing at close of school +the well-known Grace: "These creatures bless," &c. Having some doubts as +to the accuracy of the words being sung by one boy, the master asked him +to repeat them. He was not a little astonished to hear recited the +words-- + + "These creatures bless and grant that we + _May feast on pounds of rice with Thee_." + + * * * * * + +OVERHEARD IN THE PLAYGROUND.--_Small lad to a friend_: "I say, Jack, +what do you think our teacher told us this morning?" "I dunno." "Well, +he said there was once a man going down from Jerusalem to Jericho, _and +as he was going the thorns sprang up and choked him_!" + + * * * * * + +SAMIVEL, BEWARE!--Inspector: "Why was Elisha sorry when the Shunamite's +son was dead?" Ingenious lad, who has just been devouring Mr. Pickwick: +"_Because he didn't like being left alone with a widow._" (Inspector +smiled.) + + * * * * * + +SOME UNFAMILIAR EXHORTATIONS.--Children, as I have said, often get hold +of the wrong words in prayers and hymns. For instance, one child was +heard to pray: "Forgive me all that I have done _on Christmas Day_" +(amiss this day). Another was heard to plead: "_And give us an eagle_" +(and deliver us from evil). While a third after meals repeated: "_Let +manners to us all be given_" (Let manna to our souls be given). + + * * * * * + +NOAH'S FIRST TASK.--At a recent Scripture examination the examiner asked +the following question in the infants' class: "What was the first thing +Noah did when he came out of the Ark?" A tiny girl put up her hand, and +on being asked, said: "_Please, sir, he buried all the drownded +people._" + + * * * * * + +WHY A DOORKEEPER?--Teacher: "What did David mean when he said he'd +rather be a doorkeeper of the House of the Lord?" Boy: "Because, if he +was a doorkeeper, _he could walk about outside while the sermon was +being preached_." + + * * * * * + +A QUESTION OF A MAIN DRAINAGE.--Subject: Scripture lesson on "The +Flood." Teacher had explained how it rained and rained until the tops of +the highest hills were covered. Pupil of inquiring mind suddenly puts up +her hand and asks: "_Teacher, wern't there no sinks?_" + + * * * * * + +AN ALTOGETHER UNEXPECTED REPLY.--A teacher who had given a lesson on the +Birth of Christ and the Virgin Mary was proceeding to question the +children, and asked: "Who was the mother of Jesus?" To her great +astonishment, a small girl chirped out: "_Please, m', the blessed bird +canary!_" + + * * * * * + +THE LITTLE "DOWN-ALONG'S" DOVE.--The inspector was examining a class of +Westcountry infants, and had asked: "When our Lord was baptised, what +bird came down on His head?" One little Devonshire dumpling at once +retorted: "_Please, sir, a little yeller-hammer, sir!_" + + * * * * * + +THE PART THAT NEVER DIES.--During a Scripture lesson a teacher of little +dots was greatly surprised upon asking: "What part of you is it that +never dies?" to receive from an excited youngster, "_The Holy Ghost._" + + * * * * * + +WHO WAS SORRY?--A class was being questioned on the prodigal son's +return. The teacher: "Who was sorry when the prodigal son returned?" +Little Boy (after deep thought): "_The fatted calf, sir._" + + * * * * * + +ABOUT ELI.--Teacher: "Tell all you know of Eli." Small Girl: "Eli was a +very old man, and Eli was very sick _and Eli brought up Samuel_." + + * * * * * + +A HOMELY VIEW.--Head mistress: "What was the first thing that the little +boy Samuel did when he got up in the morning?" Cheery little mother: +"_Please, mum, he carried up a cup of tea to Eli!_" + + * * * * * + +MIXED.--A small boy, who had been reading about Sir Walter Raleigh and +the Virgin Queen, in writing of Elijah, said: "As Elijah went up to +Heaven he dropped his mantle, _and Queen Elizabeth walked over it_." + + * * * * * + +"I BELIEVE."--"Write down what you are saying," said a teacher once to a +pupil who with others was reciting the Apostles' Creed. "Suffered under +Pontius Pilate," came out "Suffered under _bunch of violets!_" At the +little village school of Bonchurch, Isle of Wight, it was once set down +"_Suffered under Bonchurch Pilot!_" + + * * * * * + +"AND TO BED YOU GO."--"Tell us a story, please," said the little ones +once to their teacher on Friday afternoon. She, consenting, asked +whether they wanted a new one or an old one. "Cinderella," said one; +"Aladdin," asked another. Then from a rather heavy boy, "_I want the +tale of Citrate of Magnesia and to bed you go._" She paused in complete +obfuscation. Then a sharp little girl said: "That's wrong, governess, it +wasn't Citrate of Magnesia, but it _was_ to bed you go, _and they were +all in the fire and not burnt_." The teacher recognised the Bible +incident of _Shadrach, Meshach, and Abed-nego_! + + * * * * * + +WHAT HAPPENED.--Scene: Class of infants and Standard I. Time: Scripture +lesson. Teacher, impressively (to children anxiously watching--in +imagination--the development of an old-world tragedy): "Then Abraham +having bound his son Isaac and laid him on the altar, took the knife in +his hand--when lo!--What happened?" Big dunce from the gallery (in a +voice hoarse with excitement and pent-up feeling): "_Hisaac 'ollered +out._" + + * * * * * + +BIBLICAL CRICKET.--The vicar recently came down to distribute the prizes +to the successful athletes at the school sports. In his prefatory +remarks, he mentioned that games were not unknown even in scriptural +times, and asked if any boy could furnish a text to prove this. +"Yissir," said one urchin, "our Lord said to a team of His disciples +when they was agoing to play in a cricket match: 'Beware of the _'leven_ +of the Pharisees.'" + + * * * * * + +THE ONE THING NECESSARY.--Venerable Archdeacon: "Now, my dear children, +I will ask you a few questions in your Catechism. Which of you can tell +me the two things necessary in Baptism?" "Quite right, 'Water.' Water is +one thing, and what is the other? What! can none of you think what else +is necessary? Well, little girl, what do you say?" Little Girl: +"_Please, sir, a baby._" + + * * * * * + +DIVISION OF LABOUR.--The subject of a Scripture lesson to a class of +girls in Standards V. and VI. happened one day to be the Resurrection. +Whether the curate, fresh from the 'Varsity, failed to make the matter +interesting because of faulty arrangement of matter or indifferent +method is not recorded. But the girls did not show much attention while +the changes which are to come to our vile bodies were being tabulated. +So, turning to one girl more conspicuously inattentive than the rest, +the curate sharply asked: "Mary Jane! who made your vile body?" +"_Please, sir, mother made the body and I made the skirt_," replied Mary +Jane. + + * * * * * + +TAKING THE BONES.--A curate had been talking diligently for half an hour +to a class of school children, but their attention was not very freely +given. The subject was "The Doings of the Children of Israel," and very +special mention had been made of how they had been commanded to take the +bones of Joseph with them when they made their exodus from the land of +Egypt. Suddenly pouncing upon one boy who was particularly inattentive, +the curate said: "Whose bones did the children of Israel take with them +out of Egypt, Sam?" Sam was nonplussed for a moment, then a brilliant +idea struck him, and his answer came out triumphantly: "_Their own!_" + + * * * * * + +MOSES AND THE BURNING BUSH.--The teacher was one morning giving a lessen +on "Moses and his talk with God," introducing, of course, the mystery of +the burning bush not being consumed, and laying particular stress on the +reverent attitude of Moses in taking off his shoes before approaching +the sacred place. At the close of the lesson the teacher questioned his +pupils to gauge their interest, and among other queries he submitted the +following: "Why did Moses take off his shoes before approaching the +bush?" Judge of his consternation when he received the following reply +from a little fellow of eight years: "_Please, sir, to warm ees feet!_" + + * * * * * + +CLEVER TEACHER.--The vicar of a Somerset parish was noted for his +extremely precise enunciation. He was in the habit of taking the +Scripture lessons in the village school, and had spent some time on "The +Lives of the Patriarchs." One morning he questioned a class upon the +story of Jacob. "What did Isaac tell Jacob to do when he left home after +obtaining the blessing?" asked the vicar, pointing to a dull, big boy. +"He told un to pay the man, zur," was the response. "To pay the man!" +replied the vicar wonderingly; "what man?" "Please, zur, I doant 'zacly +remember what his other name were, _but 'twere Dan somebody or other_." +The vicar lost the point of the answer; but the teacher, with keen +appreciation, quoted softly to herself, "_Arise, go to Pa-dan-aram_," +and she thought the boy was not wholly to blame for thinking that _Dan +Aram_ was a man, and ought to be paid. + + * * * * * + +ROUGH ON THE DEACON.--"Explain," said the teacher, "all you can about +the words Bishop, Priest, and Deacon." "I never saw a Bishop," wrote one +hopeful. "A Priest is a man in the Old Testament, _and a Deacon is a +thing you pile up on the top of a hill and set fire to it_!" + + * * * * * + +THE THIRTEENTH APOSTLE.--The question was: "How many Apostles were +there?" "Thirteen," said one little chap. "Thirteen!" repeated the +teacher in astonishment. "I thought there were only twelve!" "St. +Matthew," replied the boy, "tells us the names of twelve, and St. John +gives us the name of the other one--_Verily, that Jesus used to talk to +so much_." + + + + + CHAPTER VI. + + THE FOND PARENT. + + "_Political Economy is the science that teaches us to get the + greatest benefit out of the least possible amount of honest + labour._"--WEARY WILLY, JUNIOR. + + +There is no more universal fallacy than the firmly-rooted prejudice that +finds a comment in the old tag that "Everybody's goose is a swan." How +impregnably established is this conviction in the parental mind--when in +contemplation of the capacity of its wonderful offspring--only teachers +know. Eternal are the complaints that whilst Jimmy Miggs has been +promoted to the Third Standard "Our Willie" remains in the Second! And +brilliant is the diplomacy that is needed to make the situation +parentally endurable. Then there is the irate parent, the sacred person +of whose immaculate hopeful has been gently touched with the +discriminating hand of discreet personal chastisement. Ah me! What havoc +such an one can work with the calm serenity of the schoolroom. Strangely +enough, it is amongst the thriftless and self-indulgent minority of +working classes--those who shockingly neglect and ill-treat their +children themselves--that the teacher finds the greatest trouble in this +matter of objection even to the most moderate and wisely-administered +corporal punishment. + +For myself, I hit upon an excellent expedient when the peace of the +school was suddenly ravished by the sudden and unbidden entrance of some +angry "mother." With great suavity I offered her a chair and +considerately pressed her into it. If she could be induced to rehearse +her complaints whilst still sitting down the fires of her fury would +soon flicker out. Indeed, I have never yet met an angry woman in any +walk of life who could sufficiently express her feelings whilst sitting +down. _Verb. sap._ + +The parental "Note" is often very amusing, sometimes abusive, and +occasionally clever and caustic. Excuses for absence, which involve a +reference to ailments with rather unspellable names are, naturally +enough, badly boggled. Rheumatism, Neuralgia, Influenza, Lumbago, +Inflammation, Diarrhoea--what tribulation these half-dozen words +represent to be sure! And what excruciating distortions the parental +note bears upon its usually rough and crumpled face. I remember +_neuralgia_ once being rendered "_real raw jaw_," which is not so far +out after all! "Very bad with _New Roger_" is not so near a shot. I also +recall a note of excuse that informed the teacher that Charlie couldn't +come to school "_because he has got haricot veins_!" This is as curious +as "_In bed with Piper's Dance_!" I have seen a "note," too, which +speaks of Mary being "_down with an illustrated throat, with glaciers on +both sides_!" And, finally, there was once the alarming case of Alfred, +who had "gone to the hospital to have some _aneroids_ taken from his +nose." But let a few of these little missives speak for themselves:-- + + * * * * * + +A NOVEL MODE OF TRAVELLING.--The following excuse for lateness from a +Dover parent is very appropriate to a seaside town: "Dear miss, please +excuse mary being late as she _as been out on a herring_." + + * * * * * + +MONEY MARKET DOWN.--Here is a verbatim copy of a note received: "Tom is +not fit to come to school yet, as doctor Blight said I have to tell you +as they have _Inflamation in the Consols_. John and Harry." + + * * * * * + +ONE FOR THE TEACHERS.--The following note is from an irate parent: +"Willie ---- was absent From school this morning because Is mother is at +market and I have no one here to do anything as you Do know I have Told +you before know kindly state the Reason That you and all of The Teachers +was absent from school for a month without asking our leave. Mr. A." + + * * * * * + +"HARY AND EMENA."--Please sir hary and emena are unfit to attenion +school hary is got to go to the infirny with Exmoor and emena all over +him and not able to come I have seen Mr. Bennett." This excuse was to +convey the information that Harry and Emma had gone to the infirmary +because both were suffering from eczema, and that the mother had seen +the attendance officer (Mr. Bennett) about it. + + * * * * * + +TO INTRODUCE MAUD P.--A new scholar recently appeared at a Board School +with the accompanying letter: "Maud P. will be 6 years of age next +january 30th 1905 God Willen it she live she have not atended Scoole +Much as she is Never well far lange toGether she suffer with a bad feat +she have had 2 wounds an it if you like to lett she take off her sliper +an shoken you Can see it i fear it will break aut again as it is Very +read and inflamed at Night and she Complained of pain it was in the +furst place threw a kick fraw another Child at W---- P---- Scoole the +Cause kindle see she is not hurt if you plese and Not to wipe she as she +is a such a timed Sence Child ben ill so Much have rather spoilt her but +she is i trust honest and truful and laven so kindness will do ware +sharpness faile she only stain with Me to see if she Gett on all rite as +her home is 2 Miles from a Scoole at ---- her parents keep she i am her +Grandmother & Canat see Very well so i fear My riten will be hard to +read." + + * * * * * + +PARENTAL RAGE.--"If you please A---- B---- what made you not give F---- +C---- his ticket on Friday for he had been 10 times so he ought to have +had it so if you please dont to give him it on Monday morning i shall go +farther to work with it. for i think i know more about school then you +do for i when their long before you did he as been to school all the +week so he as earnt his ticket so if you dont give it to him by fair +means you shall by foul so you can please yourself for you are not +master nor misstres yet and i dont think that ever you will be we have +to pay rates so we have to pay part for the school and it was down right +a shame that he was not put up when the others was for he is always at +school wet or fine bad or well he never stop away their was never such +teachers as you had to teach me when i went to school they know which +way to teach a child and that is more than you do if he his not put up +before long he shall go to another school for he does reading and +writing very well at home at night so by that means he must do it good +at school. so if he dont bring his ticket home with him on Monday dinner +time you can look for some body to make you give it up for it was not in +your place at all to keep it i know school rules." + + * * * * * + +DROPPED INTO POETRY.--The following couplet was once received in reply +to an inquiry as to the reason for absence:-- + + "_Grim tyrant of the powers that be, + Take note! The lad had leave from me._" + +On another occasion the reply came back:-- + + "_George stayed away to make the hay + To please his own dear mother, + And you can take the case to law + To save all future bother._" + + + + + CHAPTER VII. + + LITTLE SCIENTISTS AT SEA. + + "_Gravity was discovered by Isaac Walton. It is chiefly + noticeable in the autumn when the apples are falling from the + leaves._"--LITTLE JIM, aged 10. + + +"_If the earth did not revolt it would be either all equal days or all +equal nights_," is the deliberate judgment of one young geographer; and +the state of mental obfuscation here discovered finds a counterpart in +many geographical answers given in the earlier days. _Sodom and +Gomorrah_ have been described as _the two most famous volcanoes in the +world_; and the Nile has been mentioned as _rising in Mungo Park_. +_Penzance_ has been spoken of as "_the place where the pirates come +from_"; and the Red Indians have been located as coming from _Red +India_. Here is a brief list of what I may call geographical "howlers." + + * * * * * + +IN THE GEOGRAPHY LESSON.--"The sun never sets on English possessions, +because the sun sets in the West, and all the English possessions are in +the North, South, and East." + + * * * * * + +"The Arctic regions are neither hot nor cold. They abound in birds of +beautiful plumage and of no song, such as the elephant and the camel." + + * * * * * + +"A table-land gets its name from its steep sides and flat top. It's all +right when once you are up on the top, but it's no joke getting up." + + * * * * * + +"The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends +towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and Nature +abhors a vacuum. Gravitation at the earth keeps the water from rising +all the way to the moon. I forget whether the sun joins in this fight." + + * * * * * + +"What divides England from Ireland?" asked the inspector, who was +elderly and deaf. The teacher trembled with apprehension as she heard a +boy answer: "_The Land of Goshen, sir_." The inspector was obviously +pleased, and said approvingly: "Quite right! Quite right! _The Atlantic +Ocean!_" + + * * * * * + +Some time ago the _Stella_, a South-Western Railway packet, struck on a +rock near one of the Channel Islands. In an examination on General +Knowledge I asked the name of the rock. A boy replied: "_Rock of Ages_." + + * * * * * + +SOME HISTORY LESSON BLUNDERS.--Now let me turn briefly to the History +lesson and note the curious blunders and anachronisms that a modern +rendering or a juvenile misapprehension of old-world facts reveal. Let +me set out a few instances:-- + +"The cause of the Peasants' Revolt was that a shilling poultice was put +on everybody over sixteen." + + * * * * * + +"The poll-tax was to be paid by everyone who had a head." + + * * * * * + +"The Fire of London, although looked on at first as a calamity, really +did a great deal of good. It purified the city from the dregs of the +plague and burnt down eighty-nine churches." + + * * * * * + +"King James I. was very unclean in his habits: he never washed his hands +and married Anne of Denmark." + + * * * * * + +"Henry VIII. was a very good king. He liked plenty of money. He had +plenty of wives, and died of ulcers in the legs." + + * * * * * + +"Edward III. would have been king of France if his mother had been a +man." + + * * * * * + +"The conquest of Ireland was begun in 1170 and is still going on." + + * * * * * + +"The Pilgrim Fathers were the parents of the young men who took journeys +to the Holy Land in the Crusades. They had to give an allowance to their +godly sons while they were away in the East. But they never grudged it, +because it was an honour to be a Pilgrim's father." + +"Sir Philip Sydney gave the last drop of water in his jug to a dying +soldier on the field of Waterloo, as was mentioned in the Duke of +Wellington's despatches." + +"John Milton is the celebrated author of the excursion, and lived +chiefly in the lake country near Carlyle." + +_Teacher_: "In whose reign was that palace built?" _Scholar_: "Edward +the Confectioner's." + +"George I. was the son of the Electric Sophia." + +"Isaac Walton was such a good fisherman that he was called 'the +judicious hooker.'" + + * * * * * + +IN THE SCIENCE CLASS.--Not less amusing are the mistakes which arise +during the "elementary science" lesson. Here are a few cases in point:-- + +"A vacuum is nothing shut up in a box. They have a way of pumping out +the air. When all the air and everything else is shut out, naturally +they are able to shut in nothing, where the air was before." + +"A drug is any wholesome vegetable food for taking once in a way but not +for regular food." + + * * * * * + +WITH THE LITTLE BABBAGES.--"Things which are double each other are +greater than anything else." + +"Circumference is a straight line round the middle of a plane." + +"Two straight lines cannot enclose a space unless they are crooked." + +_Question_: "If the sum of two numbers is a multiple of ten, what +relation is there between the figures in the units place in the squares +of the two numbers?" _Answer_: "(1) The same relation. (2) Ought is the +relation existing between them." + + * * * * * + +DOMESTIC ECONOMY.--_Question_: "Give directions for sweeping a room." +_Answer_: "Cover up the furniture with dust sheets, scatter damp tea +leaves over the carpet, then carefully sweep the room into the dust pan +and throw it out of the window." + + * * * * * + +The following notes are selected from the answers given at a recent +examination of girls between twelve and sixteen years of age:--"Cheese +is as wholesome as 8½ pounds of beef.--Beef is a useful article of food +obtained from different animals, such as the cow, sheep, pig, &c.--The +lean of beef belongs to the animal kingdom, and the fat to the vegetable +kingdom.--Butter is good for the brain.--Milk is called a model food +because it models the form of the child.--Without eating potatoes we +would become very delicate, because potatoes are very necessary to +sustain human life.--_Pot-au-feu_ is mashed-up meat.--_Crétins_ are +generally served up with green pea soup.--If a man lives without food +for a considerable time, say sixty days, he will die at the end of a +month; or if the constitution is delicate, he may only live for a week, +or less." + + + + + CHAPTER VIII. + + A MISCELLANEOUS COLLECTION. + + "_The Triple Alliance is Faith, Hope, and Charity!_"--EMMA JANE. + + +THE BEST SIDE.--A penny was the object in question. The children had +examined its superscription--obverse and reverse, when little Polly +shyly said, "I like this side best, teacher"--pointing to Neptune and +the shield. "Why, Polly," demanded the teacher. "_Cause you can see the +Queen riding on a bicycle!_" + + * * * * * + +JONAH'S PRAYER.--It was an infants' class of forty children or thereby. +The young teacher had found the way to the hearts of her pupils, and the +children quite forgot they were engaged in work. Everything she said and +did was real and right in their eyes, and her Bible stories were a +source of wondrous delight. They would not have been astonished had they +met Abraham or even some of the antediluvians in the street. The head +master, on visiting the room, found them all interested in the career of +Jonah, and told them he would come again to learn what they could tell +about the errant prophet. As he expected, he found the story familiar to +them, and so, with the view partly of trying their power of expression +and partly of witnessing the perplexity of the embryo scholars, he asked +them to tell him Jonah's prayer while he was in the whale. Words to +express their pent-up knowledge failed most of them, but one more +vigorous than the rest relieved himself thus: "_Jonah just said, 'God, +lat me oot o' this.'_" + + * * * * * + +"WHEN THEY'RE RUNNING ABOUT."--It is the venerable old question, "What +is a noun?" that has drawn out the hoary answer, "Name of an animal, +person, place, or thing." Of course the inspector follows up with the +almost equally antique "Am _I_ a noun?" and the little fellow tumbles +into the creaking old trap with a cheery "Yes, sir." "Are you a noun?" +proceeds the inspector, and the "Yes, sir" of the reply shows very +little loss of confidence. "Are all the boys in the class nouns?" The +sturdy little grammarian feels from the tone that someone has blundered, +and the "Yes, sir" this time has an uncertain sound. Everything up to +this point has been done in the most approved fencing style--three cuts +up and one down; all the moves are as hackneyed as in the King's +Knight's Pawn opening. It is only when the inspector is about to effect +Fool's Mate----But let me give it as it happens. _Inspector_: "What is a +noun?" _Boy_: "Name of an animal, person, place, or thing."--_I._: "Am +_I_ a noun?" _B._: "Yes, sir."--_I._: "Are you a noun?" _B._: "Yes, +sir."--_I._: "Are all the boys in the class nouns?" _B._ (a little +doubtfully): "Yes, sir."--_I._: "And are all the boys running about in +the playground nouns?" _B._ (brightening up): "Please, sir, no, sir. +_When they're running about they're verbs!_" + + * * * * * + +WHERE THE OSTRICH LAYS ITS EGGS.--A class was being questioned by H.M. +inspector on the ostrich. He asked the size of the ostrich egg, but +could only get "Very big" or "Very large" for answers, so he asked them +to mention something that would show him _how_ big they were. After some +hesitation, one boy put his hand up, and when asked, replied: "Please, +sir, as big as your head." The inspector laughed, and then asked: Where +does the ostrich deposit its eggs?" Again the same boy put up his hand +and looked very anxious to be asked. When the inspector said, "Well, my +little man, where?" the boy replied, "_Please, sir, in our school +museum!_" + + * * * * * + +"SUFFIN' RED."--In Norwich tomatoes are called by the ordinary folk +"marters." This by way of prologue. A young curate spent twenty minutes +explaining to a young class what a martyr was. "Now," said he, "what is +a Martyr?" The answer he received and did not expect was: "_Please, sir, +suffin' red what you eat._" + + * * * * * + +"HE HASN'T TO EAT SWEETS."--"Now, Johnnie," said a teacher, "if I gave +you a dozen sweets and you divided them equally between your brother and +yourself, how many would you give him?" "_Please, sir, none sir! Cos' +mother says he hasn't to eat sweets when he has worms._" + + * * * * * + +HE KNEW.--H.M. Inspector (examining village school): "What is the +opposite of a 'spendthrift?'" No answer. "Well, what would you call a +man who sends you on errands and gives you nothing for going?" Boy: +"_Parson, sir._" [Confusion of parson who was present and had gained a +reputation for close-fistedness.] + + * * * * * + +JACK'S PRAYER.--Little Jack's father was visiting London and +Christmastide was approaching. He had promised to bring a toy train for +his little son as a present from Father Christmas. The day that the +father was to travel Jack prayed-- + + "God bless papa, and bring him home safely, + _And--and--and his luggage_!" + + * * * * * + +UNDER A NEW NAME.--First class had taken poetry for the year from +Scott's "Marmion." In repeating simultaneously, one girl, whose +understanding of the sense must have been very hazy, amused her +classmates by repeating instead of-- + + "Where's Harry Blount, Fitz-Eustace, where?" + "_Where's Harry Brown which used to swear?_" + + * * * * * + +THE RAISON D'ETRE OF THE NOSE.--At a visit of one of the inspectors a +"chat" had been going on with the babies about "The Elephant and its +Trunk," and at the finish the H.M.I. pounced upon the accepted duffer of +the class with "Now, my dear, you shall tell me what your nose is for," +and was staggered with the reply, "_Us haves it to wipe, sir?_" + + * * * * * + +A GOOD REASON.--A short time ago a teacher was taking a lesson on the +use of the hyphen. Having written a number of examples on the +blackboard, the first of which was "bird-cage," he asked the boys to +give a reason for putting the hyphen between "bird" and "cage." After a +short silence one boy, who is among the dunces, held up his hand and +said, "_It is for the bird to perch on, sir._" + + * * * * * + +WHY THE KITTEN DIED.--Visit of grandma--both four-year-old twins at +once: "Grandma, Ninny's dead." Grandma, surprised and sorry, "Poor +Ninny, he must have been poisoned?" Great burst of grief from both +twins. Then a sudden lull from one of them. "Don't cry, Ella; don't cry +so much! '_He died to save us all!_'" [They had been to a children's +service with the maid on Good Friday.] + + * * * * * + +WHERE THE SNOW COMES FROM.--The other day a master visited the infant +room during a snowstorm. He was curious to know what ideas the little +ones had of snow, and questioned them about it. One little girl of five +volunteered the information that the snow was swept out of heaven. "But +how does it get into heaven?" asked the master. "Please, sir, _the +angels scratch it off their wings_," said the tiny tot. + + * * * * * + +BLISS.--_Teacher_ (word-building): "Quite right! L-i-s-s spells _liss_, +and if I put 'b' in front what word do I get?" _Small Boy_: "Bliss." +_Teacher_: "Yes; but that's a new word to you, and so I must tell you +what it means. It means _peace_ or _happiness_ or _comfort_. Now make me +a sentence containing this new word _bliss_." _Small Boy_: "My big +brother had a _blister_ on his toe." + + * * * * * + +FOR THE PSYCHOLOGIST.--Here are four replies that well repay +consideration:-- + +_Antidote_: A silly ant. + +_Oblivious_: Without a liver. + +_Sciatica_: A sigh from the head. + +_Anchorite_: A good man who anchored himself to one place. + + * * * * * + +WHY HE LAUGHED.--The master of a school had been much annoyed by a trick +played upon him by one of his boys. At last he thought he had caught the +offender and severely chastised him. To his surprise, the boy, instead +of resenting the chastisement, burst out laughing. The master, in a tone +of anger mingled with surprise, said: "How dare you laugh, sir? Why are +you so doing?" The boy, trying hard to suppress his laughter, said: +"_Cos, please sir, you are hitting the wrong boy._" + + * * * * * + +THE NATIONAL ANTHEM.--A little Yorkshire patriot of ten years gave the +following written version of "God Save the King":-- + + "God save are greasure King, long + leave are noble King, + God save are King. + Sened are Victoria, happy + and glory us + God Save are King." + + * * * * * + +A MODEST REQUEST.--It was "play-time." Wordy warfare was being waged +between two cherubic little brothers of four and five summers. As the +teacher drew near:--"Please, teacher, can Stanley play on my harp?" +cried the bigger. "Yes, I shall! Yes, I shall!" taunted little Stanley, +dancing with mischievous joy. "But, Harold, you haven't a harp," said +the teacher. "When we're in Heaven!" he muttered fiercely. "_He says, +when we're in Heaven he shall play on my harp!_" + + * * * * * + +NOT SO FAR OUT.--At a recent visit of H.M.I. to an Essex school the +children were saying a piece of poetry entitled "The Wind in a Frolic." +In this piece occurs the line: "_So on it went capering and playing its +pranks._" The inspector stopped the class here, and asked the class to +tell him the meaning of capering, and also the name of any animal that +cuts capers. The answers given by several boys were a kitten, a pup, a +goat, a lamb, &c. However, a very happy thought struck one small boy, +who immediately put up his hand and said: "_A motor car!_" + + * * * * * + +THE BEAR SONG.--_Billie_ (aged four): "Mother dear, sing me the bear +song." The fond mother casting about in her mind for the song in +question, but to no avail, began to sing from her customary list in the +hope of hitting the right one, but her efforts were cut short by the +youngster's disapproval. The mother's list of songs becoming exhausted, +she changed from song to hymn, and her efforts were rewarded when she +reached the hymn, "Hark, my soul"; but not until the third verse was +being sung, + + "Can a woman's tender care + Cease toward the child _she bare_," + +did this fond mother appreciate the bear song. + + * * * * * + +MORE WAYS THAN ONE.--The teacher was busy at his desk, trying to +discover the error which prevented the register from balancing, when a +youngster of seven years walked forward with his hand up. "What do you +want?" said the teacher, without turning round. "Please, sir, Jock +Broon's callin' me names," was the reply. "Oh, get away!" exclaimed the +teacher, again settling to his work. He had totalled up to near the top +of the column, when the same youngster again appeared and said: "Please, +sir, Jock's doing it again." The teacher was so annoyed at the second +interruption that he sharply reprimanded "Jock," and threatened to +punish him if he again repeated the offence. Turning to his desk, the +teacher made a determined effort to discover the error in the totals, +when his tormentor again appeared. Seizing the cane, the teacher turned +to him and demanded to know what he wanted. "_Please, sir, Jock's +whistlin' it_," he answered. + + * * * * * + +A MIXED GRILL.--The wife of a duke is a "ducky." + +A veteran is "a man what does hosses." + +Coolies are "men that live in cold countries." + +Mailboats are "boats that only carry men." + +A husbandman is "a man with two wives." + +"The first words of Zacharias on recovering his speech were: 'I am +dumb.'" + +Of course it was a boy who wrote that a graven image is "_an idle maid +with hands_." + +"Six days shalt thy neighbour do all that thou hast to do." + + * * * * * + +"_THEY_ 'AD TO DO IT."--An inspector once asked a teacher during a +lesson in Mental Arithmetic if she ever allowed a pupil to propose +questions to the children. The teacher replied that she had done so. +H.M.I. then asked, "Who would like to ask the other children a +question?" Several hands went up instantly. "Come on, Tommy." Tommy +marched in front of his class with an air of importance and confidence, +born of experience, and blurted out: "A million articles at half-a-crown +each." _Inspector_: "Well, Tommy, what do you make it yourself?" +_Tommy_: "Please, sir, _they_ 'ad to do it, not me." + + * * * * * + +LITTLE JIM.--Some years ago a teacher was hearing a class read the poem +"Little Jim." He had been trying very hard to teach expressive reading. +The children had been brought almost to tears by hearing the teacher +read the verse describing the death scene, when he called on a boy to +read the verse describing the return of the dead child's father. The +reader evidently trusted too much to memory, for, in all earnestness and +with beautiful expression, he read-- + + "He saw that all was over + He knew the child was dead; + He took the candle in his hand + _And walked upstairs to bed._" + + * * * * * + +AN EXCELLENT REASON.--"Who," asked the teacher, "is your favourite +writer?" Johnnie answered, "Samuel." "Why?" replied the teacher. +"_Because_" answered Johnnie, "_I like to read about him!_" + + * * * * * + +WHY YOU COULDN'T.--As an exercise in composition upper standards had +occasionally to write what they could upon a given maxim. The one given +was: "You can't put old heads on young shoulders." One boy gave up his +paper to the master, who, upon scanning it, found the first sentence to +be as follows: "_Of course you can't, and if you did they wouldn't +fit._" + + * * * * * + +SOLD AGAIN.--During the annual examination the children in the Fifth +Standard were asked to give an example of a sentence containing more +than one subject. This, the inspector thought, would constitute a poser. +Instantly, however, up rose a ragged, shock-headed "hoyden," who +straightway began to quote from Browning's "Pied Piper":-- + + "'Great rats, small rats, lean rats, brawny rats, + Brown rats, black rats, grey rats, tawny rats, + Grave old plodders, gay young friskers, + Fathers, mothers, uncles, cousins, + Cocking tails and pricking whiskers, + Families by tens and dozens, + Brothers, sisters, husbands, wives, + Followed the Piper for their lives.'" + + * * * * * + +THE SCHOOL HOUSE WAS EXEMPT.--The master of a village school in the +vicinity of Dundee was in the habit of giving out an essay to be written +at home by the pupils of the first class. One Friday afternoon he gave +as the subject for the weekly exercise, "Local Events." At that time +scarlet fever was very prevalent in the district. One pupil of promising +parts took this fact for the subject of his essay. He dwelt on the sad +ravages which had taken place in the neighbourhood as the result of the +epidemic, and finished by saying how pleased he was that the dreadful +scourge had not visited the school house, "_for the Lord delighteth not +in the death of the wicked_." + + * * * * * + +A SYMPATHETIC RENDERING.--A boy in a Board School recently gave the +following rendering of the verse in the "Wreck of the _Hesperus_":-- + + "Then up and spake an old sailor, + Had sailed the Spanish main; + 'I pray thee put into yonder port, + For I fear _the horrid cane_.'" + + * * * * * + +HEAVEN-SENT PHYSIC.--_The Diocesan Inspector_: "Now, my dear children, +tell me how Sodom and Gomorrah were destroyed." _Sharp Boy_: "Brimstone +and treacle from heaven, sir." + + * * * * * + +A LESSON ON FRACTIONS.--_Teacher_ (giving lesson on fractions): "Here, +children, is a piece of meat; if I cut it in two, what shall I have?" +_Class (tutti)_: "Halves!" _Teacher_: "And if I cut my pieces again in +two, what do I get?" _Class (tutti)_: "Quarters!" _Teacher_: "And if I +again do the same?" _Class_ (half-chorus): "Eighths!" _Teacher_: "Good. +If we continue in the same way, what shall we have?" _Class_ (a duet): +"Sixteenths!" _Teacher_: "Very good. Let us cut our pieces once more in +two, what then shall we have?" _Class_: Several bars rest. Dead silence. +However, in the corner one pair of eyes twinkled. _Teacher_: "Well, +Johnny, what shall we have?" _Johnny_ (solo): "Mincemeat, ma'am!" + + * * * * * + +"DON'T BE AFRAID, FIDO."--A little dog was trembling with fear at the +high wind. Little Polly put her arms round it, saying: "Don't be afraid, +Fido; _all the hairs of your head are numbered_." + + * * * * * + +THE THING THAT THERE ISN'T.--"What is a nib?" asked a little reader of +four years. "Oh, I know!" said Dick; "_it is that thing that there isn't +when you buy a pen_." + + * * * * * + +A QUAINT PRAYER.--A dear little child was saying her prayers aloud +beside her mother's knee, and added a prayer on her own account: "Oh, +please, dear God, make me pure, _absolutely pure as Epps' cocoa_." + + * * * * * + +WHAT HE DID FOR A LIVING.--Teacher: "Now, John, what did Moses do for a +living while he was staying with Jethro?" John: "_Please, sir, he +married one of his daughters._" + + * * * * * + +AN OLD FRIEND UNDER A NEW NAME.--The six-year-olds had been hearing the +story of the Good Samaritan. Teacher: "Who came along after the priest?" +Willie: "_Please, miss, the fleabite_." + + * * * * * + +WHAT BECOMES OF THE MOONS.--H.M.I.: "You have all heard of new moons, +full moons, and crescent moons. What becomes of the old moons?" +"_Please, sir, they are cut up to make stars_," was a girl's reply. + + * * * * * + +CUTE!--The teacher was questioning the class at the end of the +object-lesson on the "Cat." "How is it that pussy can see in the dark?" +said he. "_Because they feed her on lights_," answered the smart boy of +the class. + + * * * * * + +GROSS DARKNESS.--In reading from the Bible that gross darkness covered +the face of the earth, the teacher asked what gross darkness meant. The +top boy in mental arithmetic said: "_One hundred and forty-four times +darker than ordinary darkness._" + + * * * * * + +A NOVEL WEAPON.--"With what weapon did David slay the Philistines?" +asked the examiner. "Please, sir," answered a child, "_the axe of the +Apostles_." + + * * * * * + +FAITH.--"What is Faith?" asked the inspector. "_Faith_," replied a +ten-year-old, "_is that quality which enables us to believe what we know +to be untrue_." + + * * * * * + +A FISHING-NET.--"_A fishing-net_," wrote an ingenious Standard III. boy, +"_is a lot of little holes joined together by a bit of string_." + + * * * * * + +TOO LITERAL.--Teacher (to newly-joined pupil): "What's your name?" Boy: +"Smiff." Teacher: "Where do you come from?" Boy: "I dun'no." Teacher: +"Ever been to school before?" Boy (more brightly): "Yus." Teacher: "Was +it a Board School?" Boy: "_No, brick._" + + * * * * * + +EXCUSED (scarlet fever is bad in village).--Teacher: "Why did you stay +away from school yesterday?" "Please sir, muvver's ill." Teacher +(anxiously): "What does the doctor say it is?" "_Please sir, he says +it's a girl._" + + * * * * * + +DEFINING A PARABLE.--The definition usually taught for a parable is, "An +earthly story with a heavenly meaning." At an examination one boy wrote, +"A heavenly story with no earthly meaning." + + * * * * * + +JACOB'S DREAM.--There is an amusing and, I believe, a true story +concerning that wonderful dream of Jacob's and the angels going up the +ladder to heaven. "Please, sir," asked one of the boys in the class to +which the story was being rehearsed, "why did the angels want to go up +the ladder when they had wings?" This nonplussed the teacher, who took a +strategic movement to rear by saying, "Ah, yes! Why? Perhaps one of the +boys can answer that." And one _did_. "Please, sir," said he, "_because +they was a-moulting_." + + * * * * * + +W.H.S.B.--I am told that an inspector of schools recently asked a boy +attending one of the West Ham School Board's schools what the letters +W.H.S.B. carved over the door meant, and was at once informed "_What Ho! +She Bumps._" + + * * * * * + +A SUCCESSFUL FAILURE.--The following amazing and amusing attempt at +composition was the actual effort of a boy who was being examined for a +"full-time" exemption certificate. The inspector had told the children +to write _in their own words_ the substance of any story they had ever +read in their own reading-books. This is what the budding "full-timer" +produced: "A Fox and a Crow in porse I well no, many Good Things are +request a Crow having venchurd a Dairy too go found a nice peace of +chease which she flew in her beek to the top of a tree. A Fox just dined +for chease felt inclined. She saw her fly." Poor chap! he had tried to +reproduce the following:-- + + The fox and the crow, + In prose I well know, + Many good little girls can rehearse. + I think it will tell, + Pretty nearly as well + If we try the same fable in verse. + + In a dairy a crow + Having ventured to go, + Some food for her young ones to seek, + Flew up in a tree, + With a fine piece of cheese, + Which she joyfully held in her beak. + + A fox who lived by, + To the tree saw her fly, + And to share in the prize made a vow, + For having just dined, + He for cheese felt inclined, + So he went and sat under the bough. + + "'Tis a very fine day." + Not a word did she say. + "The wind, I believe, ma'am, is south + A fine harvest for peas." + Then he looked at the cheese, + But the crow did not open her mouth. + + Sly Reynard, not tired, + Her plumage admired, + How charming! how brilliant its hue! + The voice must be fine + Of a bird so divine, + "So pray, let me hear it, now do! + + "Believe me, I long + To hear a sweet song." + The silly crow foolishly tries, + But she scarce gave one caw, + When the cheese she let fall, + And the fox ran off with the prize. + + * * * * * + +ESPECIALLY FOR ME.--Last Christmas I was distributing the prizes at the +Upper Kennington Lane Board School. I wound up with an exhortation to +the boys to be good during the coming year. Said I: "Now, boys, see that +when I come again next Christmas I shall hear an excellent account of +you, and shall not have to be told that you have got into any trouble or +mischief. "_Same to you, sir!_" shouted the whole school with one +accord. Whether this was quiet humour or a mechanical reply to the +time-honoured "Merry Christmas, boys!" which they had taken my final +words to imply I cannot say. But I am trying to live up to the +injunction as this little book attests. + + * * * * * + +THE ANIMAL KINGDOM.--Teacher: "Yes, children, we are animals. Quite +right. How do you know we are animals?" Tommy: "_Because it says we are +Jesus's lambs!_" + + * * * * * + +LOYAL SUBJECTS.--Teacher: "What did the angels sing when they came to +the shepherds?" Little One: "_God save our Gracious King!_" + + * * * * * + +NEED FOR CAUTION.--One morning the curate of the parish visited the +village school to conduct the usual morning service. He proceeded to +give a lesson to the upper standards on "Regeneration." He commenced by +asking the class if any of them could tell him the meaning of the word +"Regeneration," but no reply was forthcoming. It therefore fell to the +curate to define the word. He said, "Regeneration means to be born +again." Addressing himself to one little fellow, the curate said, "Now, +my little boy, wouldn't you like to be born again?" "No, I shouldn't," +answered he. "For why?" asked the curate. The boy quickly responded, +"_Because I should be afraid of being a girl next time!_" + + * * * * * + +NOT TO BE BEATEN.--A short time ago a lady gave a children's party, to +which a little boy of four was invited. The next day he was giving some +account of the fun, etc., etc., and said that every little visitor had +contributed either song or recitation, music or dance, for the pleasure +of the rest. "Oh dear! Jack!" said his mother "How very unfortunate you +could do nothing!" Jack (with bravado): "Yes I could. I was not to be +beaten, _so I just stood up and said my prayers_!" + + * * * * * + +FOLD ARMS.--Inspector enters babies' room smiling. Inspector: "Now, all +look at me; I want you to be very good. What is it to be good?" Baby +hand rises. Inspector: "Well?" Baby: "Please, mam, to fold our arms." +Inspector: "Oh! How does that make you good?" Baby: "_Please, mam, it +keeps our bellies warm._" + + * * * * * + +SELF-POSSESSED.--She was four, and had just been promoted from the +babies' class. It was a "number" lesson, and the little maid was first +given three small blocks and then two others. "How many have you now?" +she was asked. "One and one make two," was the reply. "Yes, I know, but +I asked how many blocks you had now?" "One and one make two," was again +the answer. "Yes, but what do three and two make?" The little +arithmetician removed her thumb from her mouth, jerked it in the +direction of the small boys at the other side of the room, and said, +"_One o' them'll tell you._" + + * * * * * + +ONE REASON.--Vicar (catechising on cruelty): "Can any boy tell me what +those marvellous insects are that travel on tracks of their own making +in the woods?" Chorus: "Ants." Vicar: "Quite right. Now I have seen boys +cruel enough to stamp on the laborious ants. Should you do so?" Chorus: +"No, sir." Vicar: "Girls don't stamp on ants. Why not, Todd?" Todd: +"_Please, sir, 'cos they gets up their legs!_" + + * * * * * + +ROUGH ON THE SCHOOL-BOARD MAN.--Letter from parent: "Dear Miss,--Pleese +to scuse my Arry from a comin to scool this afternoon as 'e was nocked +down by a bycycle this mornin an I dont want none of them nosey old +scool bored men after me, from Mrs. ----." + + * * * * * + +WHY RACHEL WAS AWAY.--"Dear Madam,--Plese exkuse Rachel Abrams as she +had to go and fech her mother's liver." + + * * * * * + +'NUFF SAID.--A tiny tot in the babies' room was being scolded by her +teacher for having dirty hands. "You naughty girl! how dare you come to +school with those dirty hands?" With tears streaming down her face the +little tot answered, "_Pease, teacher, I ain't dot no more!_" + + * * * * * + +A SENSATIONAL OPENING.--Teacher giving object-lesson on "Mice" to +five-year-olds before H.M.I. introduces lesson by asking, "What animal +is it which, when you are in bed, comes out of its hole and runs about +the floor?" Five-year-old (in loud tones): "_It is the li-on!_" + + * * * * * + +EXCUSED.--"Plese sur mister will you escus Charlee not been to scool as +he as got no trouses and is farther wont let him come without--your +torueley Mrs. B----." + + * * * * * + +THE PHARISEES.--By a small Londoner: "The Fareses was a very minjy, +measley lot. One day one of them gave Our Lord a penny, and Our Lord +held it out in His hand and looked at it with scorn, and said, '_Whose +subscription is this?_'" + + * * * * * + +"ON SATDY."--Composition exercise by a nine-year-old: "On Satdy I do all +the work, and then I go over and do all my Ants, in the afternoon I take +Missis greens baby out in the Pram, i get a apeny on Satdy, sumtimes I +by bulls i's. On Satdy nite I have a baf and wate up for my farther." + + * * * * * + +THE SOUL OF WIT.--The teacher had given to each of a junior class a +simple and familiar subject for composition. For twenty minutes the +class composed, and was composed. The genius of the little group had +been instructed to write about "Our Cat." The result of his twenty +minutes deep cogitation and tremendous effort was the following essay, +almost matchless for brevity, clearness, completeness, and, moreover, +depth of pathos: "_Our cat is dead!_" + + * * * * * + +A BIT ON EACH WAY.--Some lads who were beginning to write composition +were told to write an essay on the horse. One lad had given a good +description of the animal and wished to write something about its tail. +He wrote the following sentence: "_The horse sometimes has a long tail +or tale._" When asked why he had written down the two words he replied +that "he thought that if one was marked wrong the other would sure to be +right." + + * * * * * + +THE EXCEPTION.--The Tenth Commandment, up to date, as given at a recent +Scripture examination by a lad of seven summers: "Thou shalt not covet +my nabours wife, thou shalt not covet my nabours house, nor his servant +nor his made nor his ox nor is ass nor anything but is ears." + + * * * * * + +SEE THAT YE FALL NOT OUT.--Down in Hampshire a curate was giving a +Scripture lesson on Joseph and his brethren. He asked the boys why +Joseph said, "See that ye fall not out by the way." A boy from a +neighbouring village, used to riding about the farm, replied, "_Cause +they had no tailboord to the caart._" + + * * * * * + +IT IS POSSIBLE.--During a Scripture lesson, which was being taken by a +clergyman, some boys were asked each to give a text from the Bible. One +lad said, "And Judas went and hanged himself." "Well!" said the reverend +gentleman, "that is hardly a good text," and, pointing to another lad, +asked _him_ to give a text, and the lad said, "_Go thou and do +likewise!_" + + * * * * * + +INDIGNATION.--The following story is an amusing instance of the way in +which boys mix their stories historical or scriptural. When asked for +the reply of Naaman the leper to the command to wash seven times in +Jordan, a boy gave the answer as, "_Is thy servant a dog that he should +do this thing?_" + + * * * * * + +NO ROOM FOR THE CONSCIENTIOUS OBJECTOR.--A short time ago a teacher was +giving a lesson on the Birth of Christ, when she referred the class to +the 9th chapter of Isaiah, and verse 6, which reads: "For unto us a +Child is born, unto us a Son is given, _and the government shall be upon +His shoulder_," &c. Here the teacher asked what was meant by the +government being upon His shoulder. One child, holding up her hand, +said, "_Please, teacher, it means that the child Jesus will have to be +vaccinated._" + + * * * * * + +THE WIDOW AGAIN.--The teacher had been giving a lesson on Magna Charta, +during the course of which he tried to impress on the children the +benefits certain Articles conferred on Englishmen at the present day. He +especially drew attention to Article 20, and called upon a boy at the +close of the lesson to repeat that Article. Boy: "No freeman, merchant, +or villain, shall be excessively fined for a small offence; the first +shall not be deprived of his means of livelihood; the second of his +merchandise; and the third of his _implements of husbandry_." Teacher: +"Can anyone tell me the name of an implement of husbandry." Little Girl: +"_Please, sir! a widow._" + + * * * * * + +THOUGHTFUL.--Billy, an urchin of five, going to school, takes an apple +from his pocket, spits on it, and rubs it vigorously on his dirty and +ragged trousers. "Hallo, Billy! What are you doing that for?" Billy +(holding up apple and looking pleased): "_'Tis for taicher. Her wont ait +un if he's dirty._" + + * * * * * + +THE CORRECT THING TO SAY.--Town lad's composition on "A Half-holiday": +"Yesterday we had a half-holiday and I enjoyed myself very much. After +dinner I did the knives and forks and cleaned the windows and the boots. +Then a boy came round with a football and wanted me to go to the park +with him. But I could not go because my mother was going out and I had +to mind the baby. When she came home we had tea, and then I went to my +place and took out orders till nine o'clock. Then I went to bed and came +to school this morning. I enjoyed myself very much." + + * * * * * + +SUBJECT TO A PROVISO.--Composition by boy, age seven. _Time._--Morning +previous to half-holiday for the opening of Kew Bridge by the King. +_Subject._--What I shall do this afternoon. "Wen I have had my diner I +shall call for Bob Scott and his mother mite let me play tops with him +in there yard. Then we shall go on the Common to here the band, and _if +my tea is not ready I will wait to see the King go by_ and I will wave +my cap at him and I expect he will wave his at me." + + * * * * * + +THE RAIN AND THE UNJUST.--A smart boy's composition on rain: "Rain comes +down from heaven on the just and the unjust, but mostly upon the just, +because the unjust have borrowed the umbrellas of the just and have +forgotten to return them." + + * * * * * + +A SURPRISING PRAYER.--"How do we pray for the magistrates in the +Litany?" asked the Vicar. "That it may please Thee to bless and keep the +magistrates, giving them grace to execute _all Bishops, Priests, and +Deacons_," answered the unconscious boy. + + * * * * * + +THE "EGG-CUPS."--I had set the class, writes a teacher, an essay to +write on "Good Manners." They had to think about it one evening and +write it the next day in school. When correcting the exercise I came +upon the following: "_When you have the egg-cups it is good manners to +put your hand before your mouth and say, 'Manners before ladies and +gentlemen.'_" + + * * * * * + +BALAAM AND THE ASS.--The story as reproduced in a South London boy's +essay: "It was about an owld gentleman as was a-wallopin' of a donkey +and as the donkey was stupied he whached it with a stick, the donkey ran +agin a wall and squeezed the gentlemans leg and he walloped it then and +no mistake and serve it right. Then the donkey began to speak and told +him, and told him he was wicked to serve him in that ere style, and a +angel come down and took sides with the donkey and preached a sarmint to +the owld gentleman and they all went away jolly." + + * * * * * + +AN EXCUSE FOR LATE ARRIVAL AT SCHOOL.--The village tailor sent a note to +the schoolmaster as his son James was very late one afternoon. The +following is the effusion:-- + + "Schoolmaster dear don't cane the youth, + He's not in fault to tell the truth, + His mother is the greatest sinner. + She would not give the _kid_ his dinner." + + * * * * * + +DROPPED INTO POETRY.--The following reply, writes a teacher, was +received by me some years ago from a parent, evidently of a poetical +turn of mind, in answer to an inquiry as to the cause of his boy's +absence from school:-- + + "I'm full of wants and minus riches, + Truth is, William has no breeches, + I mean to buy a pair to-night, + To-morrow he will come all right. + Accept this plain apology + From, dear Sir, ever yours, E. B." + +On another occasion I suspected William of truant-playing, and sent a +boy to make inquiry, when immediately came back the answer:-- + + "At one p.m. was sent to school, + So must have played the nick, + If thrashing truants is a rule, + With my leave, use the stick." + +William is now a hard-working and well-known missionary in ----. + + * * * * * + +FOUND OUT.--A school attendance officer quite recently met a lad who, +instead of being at school, was wending his way to a public-house for a +pint of beer. "How is it you are not at school, my boy?" said the man of +law. "It's washing day, and I'm going for a pint of ale for my mother." +He let the boy go on his errand and walked straight to the lad's house. +"Good morning, Mrs. So-and-so. How is it your boy is not at school this +morning?" "Ah! bless you," she says, "the poor lad's ill in bed, and has +been the past two days. I'm afraid we shall never rear him, for you see +he's been delicate ever sin he was born." "Can I see him?" returned the +officer. "Certainly, if you'll wait a minute till I see if he's awake. +He's had a bad night, and I should not like to disturb him if he's +asleep." The good lady went on tiptoe to the foot of the stairs and +called out very softly, "Johnny, Johnny, Johnny, are you awake?" +Returning to the attendance officer she said, "You see, Mr. Schoolboard, +Johnny's asleep, and it would be such a pity to disturb him." Just as +she finished, in walks Johnny with the pint of beer. The old lady, to +make the best of a bad job, threw up her hands and exclaimed, "_My dear +Johnny, how did you get out? What a bad lad to get out of the bedroom +window again, after all I've said!_" + + * * * * * + +A TRIFLE INCONSISTENT.--An excited woman rushed into school one morning +holding a lad by the jacket collar. The moment she got inside she +shouted out, "Now, master, here's a lad that's been playing the wag +[truant], and I don't intend to leave this blessed spot until I see him +skinned. Please, master, skin him alive! _I must see him skinned!_" she +said. To make the best of a serious case, the master replied, "Well, I +don't skin till ten o'clock, and it is only a quarter past nine yet, so +you had better sit down till I'm ready." She took a seat, still holding +the lad by the collar, and he went to his desk. In about five minutes +she sent the boy to his class, and coming up to the master, whispered +very softly into his ear: "_Please, master, don't touch the poor lad, +he's so delicate, you could almost blow him away with a breath!_" + + * * * * * + +JOHNNY WORKED THE CLOCK.--"Plese Sir dont cain pore jonny he as been +keping the clock agoing with a stick cos is father mendid it an it wont +go now an jonny kep the clock agoing so as I would no the time so no +more as it leaves me at present. ----." + + * * * * * + +BLURTED OUT THE TRUTH.--A mother came with a truant one morning and +said, "Please excuse my boy, he has been ill the last fortnight." The +master said, "Very good, let him go to his class." The woman then turned +suddenly round and, seizing the lad by the jacket, gave him a good +shaking, saying at the same time, "_I'll break every bone in your +dirty carcase if I've to come again and tell a pack of lies like this +for you._" + + * * * * * + +THE POINT OF VIEW.--Overheard in infants playground. Little Girl: "_It's +my grannie's funeral to-day. I've got threepence halfpenny and a packet +of sweets already._" + + * * * * * + +A TRIFLE MIXED.--Poor Johnny had been on an errand for his mother and +was consequently late for school. His mother, in order to coax him, +prepared to write a note to his teacher explaining his lateness. The +look on Johnny's face made the mother somewhat dubious about Johnny's +going to school, and this is how the note read: "Dear Sir,--Please +excuse Johnny for being late, _and kindly let me know if he hasn't +been_." + + * * * * * + +SHE WAS SORRY.--A boy was absent from school. The teacher sent to his +home to ask the reason. The answer came back that he was playing +truant--sent by the mother. The next day the master made inquiries, and +found that the mother had sent this message because she did not wish the +boy's father, who was at home when the messenger arrived, to know that +_she_ had kept him at home. During this time the boy himself was hidden +in a cupboard. A few weeks after a similar occurrence happened, and a +like answer was sent to the master by the mother. The next day the boy +appeared with the following note: "Sir,--Sorry my boy was away +yesterday, but he had to go to the hospital and was kept, and I never +sent him yesterday, and _I was sorry to tell a lye like last time. +Please forgive me again._--Mrs. ----." + + * * * * * + +"THE LAVENDER."--"_Deer Sur,--Plese let Jon go to the lavender wen hever +he wants as he as had some metson._--Yours truly, Mrs. ----." + + * * * * * + +"RES ANGUSTA DOMI."--In a village school in Devonshire the master had +one morning been giving a lesson on the life of Jacob. Just as he was +concluding he asked whether Jacob was rich or poor. Some stated that he +was rich, while others held a contrary view. Eventually one of the lads +who had stated that Jacob was poor was asked for his reason, and he +replied as follows: "Please, sir, the Bible says Jacob slept with his +fathers, and if he had been a rich man _he would have had a bed to +his-self_." + + * * * * * + +THE POSTMAN.--"The postman has to be up erly in the morning to meet the +males at the station. Then he takes them to the G.P.O. where they are +soughted out. Then he ties up his streets in bungles, and goes quickly +from door to door, because the passengers dont' like to have their +letters delaid. On his way back, he collects the pillow boxes, and +conveys them to the G.P.O. Inside the postmen they are stamping letters. +The postman is a simple servent because he works for the goverment and +wear a uniform. He has a good time at Xmas I should like to be a postman +then. He gets plenty of Xmas boxes and can read all the picture +postcards." + + * * * * * + +EXACTLY.--The other week Standard V. were asked to write an essay on "My +Home." This is how one boy commenced: "Our house is in Peel Green Road. +_It is on the left side going up, and the right side coming down._" + + * * * * * + +ON GIRLS.--By a boy.--"There are two sorts of children, boys and girls +and of the two boys are the best. Girls cause all the rows and quarrels. +They think they are wonderful if they can get a bird's feather stuck in +their hat. They are proud and vain and are always gossipping and making +mischief. I simply hate them. They boast of what they can do, this that +and the other and a fat lot it is when it comes to the put. If there +were no girls and women in the world, it would be a very peaceful place. +They love to sit and rest. Girls do vary from day to day. On washing +days they think they are nearly killed. They would rather gossip half a +day, than walk half a mile. Its no good, they are a bad race and +deceitful. If your wife sells anything she keeps a shilling back. Girls +like to wear rings and think they are ladies. They bob their hair on the +top like mountains and wears a fringe to make us boys think they are +pretty, but aint they just deceived. The young men have a hard job to +find a good and hard working wife in these days. Girls are cowards and I +never knew one to face danger. If a cow looks at them they run and cry. +Boys go about with their eyes open and their mouths shut, just the +opposite to girls. Boys are also strong and useful while girls are +timid, frightened weak little creatures. I would not be a girl for £10." + + * * * * * + +"YOUR GRACE."--A certain duchess, well known for the interest she takes +in the progress of education, once visited a school in L---- and began +to talk freely to a mite in the first standard. Several questions were +put to the child, to which the latter replied, "Yes, ma'am," or "No, +ma'am." The teacher of the class was annoyed at the frequency with which +the scholar used the word "ma'am," and at last said, "You must say 'Your +Grace.'" The duchess laughed heartily when the child began, "_Lord, make +us truly thankful, &c._" + + * * * * * + +ABOUT A "CINMATTERGRAF."--"We had a grand cinmattergraf at school on +November 30th by Eddyston. Eddyston is America man. He invented to make +it. Cinmattergraf works very fonny. If you swing a stone round it is in +your eye a tenth of a cetend after you have stopet. If you are in a dark +room and somebody brings a light it is in your eye a tenth of a cetend. +The cinmattergraf is like a fonagrapt. It is like a mager lantin. A +cinmattergraf is eaquil to five thousand candles. The ribbing rowls off +one rowler on to another rowler. The cinmattergraf was worked by angle. +It is like a soingnmersheen. It will play any song. The cinmattergraf +talks like people. You cant understand what a gramophone says. When you +light the oxgin it not give much light. When one of the things is burken +the other blows in and it give bleu light. When the man shows the foters +he has to put the lamp out. Because if he does not put the lamp out the +pictures look shady. It is the light which helps to show the pictures. +The pictures on the cinmattergraf are only an inch big. One picture that +it showed was a woman laughting, and you could see every form her mouth +was in. When all the pictures were put together they were a quarter of a +mile long." + + * * * * * + +CONCERNING THE HORSE.--Standard III. boy's essay: "The horse does not +belong to the cat tribe, because its paws are hoofs. It breathes with +its gills when it is young and chews the cud just like other people. +There are many kinds of horses such as racer horses and hunters and +worker horses and little welsh ponies. A mule is a horse with long ears +and if a horse had long ears it would be called a donkey. You can see +the age of a horse if you look in its mouth. It is defensive with its +hind legs and when they kick you, you say, Woe." + + * * * * * + +THE RETORT COURTEOUS.--One of my boys, writes a friend, had his hair +notched in a disgraceful manner one morning, and I quietly asked him who +cut it. The accompanying note was the result: "from missus +----,--sir--as you seam so anshus to no wear my boy ad is air cut i wish +to tell you that i put im in the cole seller al larst nite so as the +rats cood nibbel hit horf and i cood save tuppence." + + * * * * * + +ON THE BABY.--"A baby is a man or woman as they first enter the world, +and is sometimes called a infant, and they bring plenty of joy to its +parents. Babies need much care because the bones are not strong enough +for the baby to be used naturally. When a baby is a few months old a +malecart is wanted so as to give it some fresh air, and it as to be +nursed till it can crawle about on the flour. Most women like babies +very much and wouldn't do without them. When first it is born it is very +teisey and begins to cry, and they are enough to make anyone mad. It +also needs a lot of care, for it will enhail any disease. Baby is the +pet of the family, especially mother, who if the baby is a boy he +becomes her darling boy in after years. When baby is about four years +old it is briched if it is a boy, but if a girl she remains in her same +clothes. To look after a baby is very awkard if you ain't used to it, +for they jump and kick and have to be carefully handled. It is crisined +when it is old enough to eat solid food. Some babies are very tiresome +and have to be nutritiously looked after. My father told me that he came +in a little blue box, but learned men say we came from monkeys. If the +mother trys to learn it to walk very early it will make them bandy. My +baby is a dear little thing!" + + * * * * * + +"To keep milk from turning sour you should leave it in the cow."--JANE, +aged 10. + + * * * * * + +"The Duke of Marlborough was a great general, who always fought with a +fixed determination to win or lose."--OUR SAMMY, aged 11. + + * * * * * + +"The name of Cæsar's wife was Cæsarea. She was above suspicion."--SMALL +BOY'S HISTORY PAPER. + + * * * * * + + EXCUSED! + +TEACHER: "Why did you stay away yesterday, Jimmy?" + +JIMMY: "Please, sir, muvver's ill!" + +TEACHER: "Oh! that's bad! What does the doctor say it is?" + +JIMMY: "Please, sir, he says it's a girl!" + + * * * * * + +FOND MOTHER: "Charley, do you know God's other name?" + +CHARLEY: "Yes, mamma, we learnt it to-day. Harold be Thy name!" + + * * * * * + +PARENTAL NOTE: "Dear Sir,--Don't hit our Johnny. We never do it at home +except in self-defence!" + + * * * * * + +HEAD MASTER: "How did God bless Abraham?" + +SMALL BOY (in whose home there has just been a Double Event): "By giving +him only one baby at a time!" + + * * * * * + +MISTRESS: "Why is a motor-car called 'She'?" + +SMALL BOY: "Because it is driven by a man!" + + * * * * * + +TEACHER: "Now, Frank, if you are not a good boy you won't go to heaven." + +FRANK: "Oh, well! I went with father in Mr. B.'s yacht, and I went to +the circus. A little boy can't expect to go everywhere!" + + * * * * * + +H.M. INSPECTOR: "If I dig right down through the earth, where shall I +come to?" + +SMALL BOY (who has been commended at the Diocesan Examination): "The +devil and all his works!" + + * * * * * + +TEACHER: "What is a Mediator?" + +SMALL BOY: "A chap who says hit me instead!" + + * * * * * + + JUVENILE COMPLAINTS. + + (AS DESCRIBED IN PARENTAL EXCUSE NOTES.) + +"New Roger" } + } Neuralgia. +"Real Raw Jaw" } + +"Piper's Dance"--St. Vitus Dance. + +"Haricot Veins"--Varicose Veins. + +"Double Demoniacks"--Double Pneumonia. + +"Scarlet Concertina"--Scarletina. + +"Illustrated Throat"--Ulcerated Throat. + +"Information of the Eye"--Inflammation of the Eye. + + [AND SO ON.] + + * * * * * + +TEACHER: "What is luke-warm water?" + +SMALL GIRL: "Water that lukes warm but isn't!" + + * * * * * + +TEACHER: "Now, little ones, you can take off your warm overcoats. Can +the bear take his off?" + +LITTLE ONES: "No, miss!" + +TEACHER: "Why not?" + +DELIGHTED LITTLE ONE: "Because only God knows where the buttons are!" + + * * * * * + +"The anshent Britons painted themselves all over blue with the juce +obtained from the tree o nolledge of Good and Evil."--FROM HARRY'S +COMPOSITION EXERCISE. + + * * * * * + +TEACHER: "What is a widow?" + +LITTLE GIRL: "A lady what marries the lodger!" + + * * * * * + +TEACHER: "What is this?" + +YOUNG HOPEFUL: "A picture of a monkey." + +TEACHER: "Can any child tell me what a monkey can do?" + +YOUNG HOPEFUL: "Please, teacher, a monkey can climb up a tree." + +TEACHER: "Yes, and what else can a monkey do?" + +YOUNG HOPEFUL: "Please, teacher, climb down again!" + + * * * * * + +BOY (reading): "She threw herself into the river. Her husband, +horror-stricken, rushed to the bank----" + +TEACHER (interposing): "What did he run to the bank for?" + +BOY: "To get the insurance money!" + + * * * * * + +H.M. INSPECTOR: "If twenty feet of an iceberg be _above_ the water, +about how much is _below_ the water?" + +JIM: "All the rest!" + + * * * * * + +TOMMY: "Mamma, who made the lions and the elephants?" + +MAMMA: "God, my dear." + +TOMMY: "And did He make the flies, too?" + +MAMMA: "Yes, my dear." + +TOMMY (after a period of profound reflection): "Fiddlin' work making +flies!" + + * * * * * + +TEACHER: "Why cannot we hear the bear walk about?" + +CHILD IN LANCASHIRE TOWN: "Because it hasn't got no clogs on!" + + * * * * * + +H.M. Inspector was examining a class of infants on the value of money. +He held up a threepenny-piece and a penny. "Now, my children, which +would you rather have, this small piece of money or the large one?" A +little one held up her hand. "Well?" "Please, sir, the large one." "And +why would you rather have the large one?" "Because my mother would make +me put the threepenny-bit in my money-box, but I could spend the penny." + + * * * * * + +Tommy is in the Second Standard, and aged eight. The class was asked to +write a short letter to teacher describing their doings on Guy Fawkes +night. He began in right good style with the orthodox "Dear Miss C----." +Everything went quietly till the close. It was then that Tommy shone. He +wound up: "I remain, your loving son in who I am well pleased,----" + + * * * * * + +"Manners is a very good thing when you are trying for a +situation."--FROM JAMES HENRY'S COMPOSITION. + + * * * * * + +The essay was upon "Dreams." One boy who has a great dread of arithmetic +dreamt he was in heaven, where his teacher kept calling out, "No sums +right, stand up!" + + * * * * * + +TEACHER: "Well, well, James! Home lesson sums all wrong!" + +JAMES: "Yes, teacher. I knew they would be. Father would help me!" + + + THE END. + + + PRINTING OFFICE OF THE PUBLISHERS + + + + + By the Author of "School-Room Humour." + + + The + Gentle Golfer + + _With over 100 Pen-and-Ink Sketches by + ARTHUR MORELAND._ + + Fcap, 8vo, 180 pp. Paper Covers 1/-, Cloth 1/6. + + +"The humour is infectious."--_Evening Standard and St. James's Gazette._ + +"These lively sketches will appeal to every golfer."--_Sheffield Daily +Telegraph._ + +"Written in a very racy style."--_Liverpool Courier._ + +"Intensely amusing and not wholly uninstructive."--_Field._ + + + Bristol: + J. W. Arrowsmith. + + London: + Simpkin, Marshall, Hamilton, Kent & Co. Ltd. + + + + + ARROWSMITH'S + POCKET + SERIES. + + + Fcap. 8vo, Leather, Gilt top and back, 3/6 net. + " Cloth " " 2/6 net. + + + The Westcotes. + By Sir ARTHUR QUILLER-COUCH. + + From a Cornish Window. + By Sir ARTHUR QUILLER-COUCH. + + The Prisoner of Zenda. By ANTHONY HOPE. + + Rupert of Hentzau. Being a Sequel to "THE PRISONER OF ZENDA." + By ANTHONY HOPE. + + Sophy of Kravonia. By ANTHONY HOPE. + + The Diary of a Nobody. + By GEORGE and WEEDON GROSSMITH. + (With an appreciative letter from LORD ROSEBERY.) + + Home Life with Herbert Spencer. By "TWO." + + The Charm of the West Country. An Anthology. + Compiled and Edited by THOMAS BURKE. + + + BRISTOL: J. W. ARROWSMITH LTD. + LONDON: SIMPKIN, MARSHALL & CO. LTD. + + + + + Arrowsmith's 1/= net Series of + Cloth-bound Novels, + + + _WITH PICTURE WRAPPERS._ + + Foolscap 8vo size. + + + Ziska. By MARIE CORELLI. + + Called Back. By HUGH CONWAY. + + The Tinted Venus. By F. ANSTEY. + + Hetty Wesley. By Sir ARTHUR QUILLER-COUCH + + Patricia at the Inn. By J. C. SNAITH. + + The Man who was Thursday. By G. K. + CHESTERTON. + + Johnny Fortnight. By EDEN PHILLPOTTS. + + Two in a Tent--and Jane. + By MABEL BARNES-GRUNDY. + + Pearla. By Miss BETHAM-EDWARDS. + + + BRISTOL: J. W. ARROWSMITH LTD. + LONDON: SIMPKIN, MARSHALL & CO. LTD. + + + + + A Selection of + Arrowsmith's 6/- Books. + + + The Prisoner of Zenda. By ANTHONY HOPE. + + Rupert Of Hentzau. By ANTHONY HOPE. + + Sophy of Kravonia. By ANTHONY HOPE. + + Ziska: The Problem of a Wicked Soul. + By MARIE CORELLI. + + My Own Fairy Book. By ANDREW LANG. + + The Westcotes. By Sir ARTHUR QUILLER-COUCH. + + Two Sides of the Face. + By Sir ARTHUR QUILLER-COUCH. + + From a Cornish Window. + By Sir ARTHUR QUILLER-COUCH. + + True Tilda. By Sir ARTHUR QUILLER-COUCH. + + Brother Copas. By Sir ARTHUR QUILLER-COUCH. + + The Man Who Was Thursday. + By G. K. CHESTERTON. + + The Vacillations of Hazel. By M. BARNES-GRUNDY. + + Marguerite's Wonderful Year. + By M. BARNES-GRUNDY. + + A Close Ring. By M. BETHAM-EDWARDS. + + Dromina. By JOHN AYSCOUGH. + + A Roman Tragedy and Others. By JOHN AYSCOUGH. + + Woodhays. By E. F. PIERCE. + + Suse O'Bushy. By W. A. ALLAN. + + The Gentleman Help. + By ELIZABETH HOLLAND (LADY OWEN.) + + + BRISTOL: J. W. ARROWSMITH LTD. + LONDON: SIMPKIN, MARSHALL & CO. LTD. + + + + + Transcriber Notes: + +Passages in italics were indicated by _underscores_. + +Small caps were replaced with ALL CAPS. + +Throughout the document, the oe ligature was replaced with "oe". + +Throughout the dialogues, there were words used to mimic accents of +the speakers. Those words were retained as-is. + +The illustrations have been moved so that they do not break up +paragraphs and so that they are next to the text they illustrate. Thus +the page number of the illustration might not match the page number in +the List of Illustrations, and the order of illustrations may not be the +same in the List of Illustrations and in the book. + +Errors in punctuations and inconsistent hyphenation were not corrected +unless otherwise noted. + +On page 9, a period was added after "CHAPTER I". + +On page 19, "ithers" was replaced with "others". + +On page 40, a period was added after "Standard VII". + +On page 54, a period was added after "are grisle". + +On page 64, "sanwiches" was replaced with "sandwiches". + +On page 64, "apetites" was replaced with "appetites". + +On page 71, a single quotation mark after "_Cast out a devil, sir!_" was +replaced with a double quotation mark. + +On page 98, a period was added after "hot nor cold". + +On page 107, a period was added after "B". + +On page 119, a quotation mark was added before "is your favorite +writer". + +On page 120, a single quotation mark was added after "their lives". + +On page 129, a single quotation mark after "sweet song" was replaced +with a double quotation mark. + +On page 132, a single quotation mark before "How many" was replaced with +a double quotation mark. + +On page 148, "an errand" was replaced with "on an errand". + +On page 153, "November th 30" was replaced with "November 30th". + +In the first advertisement, a period was added after "Field". + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of School-Room Humour, by Dr. MacNamara + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 40593 *** |