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diff --git a/40509-8.txt b/40509-8.txt deleted file mode 100644 index 95a8de3..0000000 --- a/40509-8.txt +++ /dev/null @@ -1,1756 +0,0 @@ -The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 107, -July 28th 1894, by Various - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with -almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or -re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included -with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org/license - - -Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 107, July 28th 1894 - -Author: Various - -Editor: Sir Francis Burnand - -Release Date: August 15, 2012 [EBook #40509] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON *** - - - - -Produced by Malcolm Farmer, Ernest Schaal, and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net - - - - - - - - - -PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. -VOL. 107. -JULY 28, 1894. - - - LORD ORMONT'S MATE AND MATEY'S AMINTA. - - BY G***GE M*R*D*TH. - - VOLUME I. - -This was a school. Small wonder if the boys, doubly sensitive under a -supercilious head-master of laughter-moving invention, poised for a -moment on the to and fro of a needless knockabout jig-face with chin and -mouth all a-pucker for the inquisitive contest. The stout are candid -puff-balls blowing in an open sea of purposeless panting, hard to stir -into an elephantine surging from arm-chairs; and these are for -frock-coats, and they can wear watch-chains. So these boys understood -it. MURAT here, MURAT there, MURAT everywhere, with SHALDERS a-burst at -the small end of a trumpet, cheeks rounded to the full note of an -usher's eulogy, like a roar and no mistake, arduous in the moment, -throbbing beneath a schoolmaster's threadbare waistcoat, a heart all -dandelions to the plucker, yellow on top with white shifts for -feather-fringe; or a daisy, transferring petulance on a bath-chair -wheezing and groaning--on the swing for the capture of a fare--or shall -it be a fair, that too a wheeze permitted to propriety hoist on a flaxy, -grinning chub. This was SHALDERS. - -Lady CHARLOTTE EGLETT appeared. Hers was the brother, the Lord ORMONT we -know, a general of cavalry not a doubt, all sabretache, spurs and -plumes, dashing away into a Hindoo desert like the soldier he is, a born -man sword in fist. She wrote, "Come to me. He is said to be married." - -He spoke to her. "My father was a soldier." - -"He too?" she interposed. - -Their eyes clashed. - -"You are the tutor for me," she added. - -"For your grandson," corrected he. - -It was a bargain. They struck it. She glanced right and left, showing -the town-bred tutor her hedges at the canter along the main road of her -scheme. - - [Illustration] - -His admiration of the cavalry-brother rose to a fever-point. Not good -with the pen, Lady CHARLOTTE opined; hard to beat at a sword-thrust, -thought MATEY. "Be his pen-holder," put in the lady. "I _would_," said -he, smiling again. She split sides, convulsed in a take-offish murmur, a -roll here, a roll there, rib-tickling with eyes goggling on the -forefront of a sentence all rags, tags, and splutters like a -jerry-builder gaping at a waste land pegged out in plots, foundations on -the dig, and auctioneer prowling hither thither, hammer ready for the -"gone" which shall spin a nobody's land into a somebody's money passing -over counter or otherwise pocket to pocket, full to empty or almost -empty, with a mowling choke-spark of a batter-foot all quills for the -bean-feast. So they understood it. - -MATEY then was Lord ORMONT'S secretary. A sad dog his Lordship; all the -women on bended knees to his glory. Who shall own him? What cares he so -it be a petticoat? For women go the helter-skelter pace; head-first they -plunge or kick like barking cuckoos. You can tether them with a dab for -Sir FRANCIS JEUNE. He will charge a jury to the right-about of a -crapulous fallow-ball, stiff as Rhadamanthus eyeing the tremblers. But -MATEY had met this one before. Memories came pouring. He gazed. Was she, -in truth, Lord ORMONT'S? The thought spanked him in the face. A wife? -Possibly. And with an aunt--AMINTA'S aunt. She has a nose like a trout -skimming a river for flies, then rises a minute and you not there, -always too late with rod and line for sport. But there was danger to -these two, and Lord ORMONT was writing his Memoirs. A mad splashing of -unnecessary ink on the foolscap made for his head, never more to wear -the plumed cocked hat in a clash of thunder-bearing squadrons. - - END OF VOL. I. - - * * * * * - - A VADE MECUM FOR THE NAVAL - MANOEUVRES. - - (_Compiled by a Pessimist._) - -_Question._ Will the Naval Manoeuvres of 1894 have any novel features? - -_Answer._ Only in the imagination of the special correspondents. - -_Q._ Will there be the customary coloured fleets? - -_A._ Yes, with the usual commanders, officers and men. - -_Q._ Will the lesson that a fleet having speed equal to a pursuing -fleet, if given a start, will escape, be taught to all concerned? - -_A._ Yes, to the great admiration of the authorities at Somerset House -and Whitehall. - -_Q._ Will it be demonstrated that if a town on the coast is left -undefended, a hostile ironclad will be able to bombard it at pleasure? - -_A._ Yes, to the satisfaction of every scientist in the United Kingdom. - -_Q._ Will it also be made clear to the meanest comprehension that if the -night is sufficiently dark, and search-lights insufficient, a fleet will -get out of a harbour in spite of considerable opposition? - -_A._ Yes, to the great appreciation of the world at large, and the -British public in particular. - -_Q._ Will there be the customary secrecy about self-evident facts and -trivial details? - -_A._ Yes, to the annoyance of the newspaper correspondents, and the -indignation of editors thirsting for copy. - -_Q._ And, lastly, how may the Naval Manoeuvres be appropriately defined? - -_A._ As the means of obtaining the minimum of information at the maximum -of expense. - - * * * * * - - A PAINFUL POSITION. - - It is my base biographer - I've haunted all day long. - He's writing out my character, - And every word is wrong. - - With the wrong vices I'm indued, - And the wrong virtues too; - My motives he has misconstrued - As only he could do. - - I read the copy sheet by sheet - As it issues from his pen, - And this, this travesty complete - Will be my doom from men! - - I've wrestled hard with psychic force-- - It is in vain, in vain! - His nerves were ever tough and coarse, - Impervious his brain. - - Ah, could a merely psychic spell - Ignite an earthly match! - Or could a hand impalpable - Material "copy" snatch! - - I'm as incompetent as mist - The enemy to rack. - Ah, if a spiritual fist - An earthly eye could black! - - A paper-weight it lies below, - It cannot be dispersed! - The publisher will never know - _Who_ read that copy first! - - His gliding pen, for all my hate, - Has never gone awry; - "All rights reserved," they'll calmly state, - O'er me. And here am I! - - * * * * * - - GUESSES AT GOODWOOD. - -(_By a Transatlantic Cousin, according to English ideas._) - -That I shall get puppar to take me and mother down in real style. - -That we will wake up sleepy old Europe, and show these insolent insulars -that we are above small potatos. - -That I shall cut out the Britisher Misses, and make their mummars sit -up. - -That I shall take care that luncheon is not neglected, and see that all -my party, like the omnibuses, are full inside. - -That I shall think very small of the races, so long as I get my boxes of -gloves. - -That I shall do credit to the best society of Boston and the seminaries -of New York by speaking through my nose a mixture of slang and nonsense. - -That I shall call his Grace of Canterbury "Archbishop," and any owner of -strawberry leaves "Duke." - -That I shall wear a gown trimmed with diamonds, and have my parasols -made of net and precious stones. That I shall conceal the fact that -puppar made his money out of the sale of wooden nutmegs and mother's -aunt was a laundress. - -That I shall flirt with a Duke at the Races, marry him at St. George's, -and give up for ever the stars and stripes. - -P.S. (_by a Transatlantic Cousin, according to American ideas_).--I -shall continue to wonder at an English girl's notions of her kinswomen -when there are so many charming specimens of refined Columbian -gentlewomen resettled in the old home of the Anglo-Saxon race. - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: "THE COURSE OF TRUE LOVE," &c. - -SCENE--_Hounds on drag of Otter, which has turned up small tributary -stream._ - -_Miss Di (six feet in her stockings, to deeply-enamoured Curate, five -feet three in his, whom she has inveigled out Otter-hunting)._ "OH, DO -JUST PICK ME UP AND CARRY ME ACROSS. IT'S RATHER DEEP, DON'T YOU KNOW!" - - [_The Rev. Spooner's sensations are somewhat mixed._] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: "THE APPLE OF DISCORD; OR, WHICH IS THE LAUREATE?" - -_Paris_ ... LORD R-S-B-RY. _Venus (à la Japonaise)_ ... -SIR EDW-N ARN-LD. _Juno_ ... L-W-S M-RR-S. _Minerva_ ... ALFR-D A-ST-N.] - - * * * * * - - THE APPLE OF DISCORD. - - (_Modern Parliamentary Version._) - - [Replying to questions concerning the delay in filling up the - post of Poet Laureate, Sir W. HARCOURT said, "This is a delicate - question, and, amidst conflicting claims, I must shelter myself - in the decency of the learned language, and I would reply, - '_Poeta nascitur, non fit._' ... My hon. friend must remember - what happened to the shepherd Paris when he had to award the - apple, and the misfortunes which befel him and his - partners--_spretæque injuria formæ_."] - - _Unpoetical Statesman sings:_-- - - I'm Paris the Shepherd, _pro tem._, - And here are the three pseudo-goddesses!-- - Different, truly, from them - Who appeared, without veils, skirts, or bodices, - Unto oenone's false swain. - Well, I've no oenone to wig me; - _But_--at the first glance it's so plain, - Paris can't give the fruit to--a pigmy. - - HERÉ? Ah! this must be she! - A classico-Cambrian Juno! - Propriety's pink _all_ must see; - But what other claims has she? Few know! - Dull decency's all very fine; - She has a fine smack of the chapel; - But, dash it, I still must decline - To give Goddess Grundy the apple! - - I'm sure she's domestic and chaste, - A virtuous, worthy old body; - But--that's scarce a goddess's waist, - Her tone, too, is--well, Eisteddfoddy. - I fear, if I gave the award - To this _ex_cellentest of old ladies, - Apollo might send me--'twere hard!-- - To read one of her Epics--in Hades! - - Then Pallas! Well, Pallas looks proud, - And I have no doubt might deserve a - Big crown from a true Primrose crowd: - But--she runs rather small for Minerva! - Men _might_ mistake her for her owl. - "Her rhymes," say swell Tories, "are rippin'!" - But still, though the _Standard_ may scowl, - I _can't_ award Pallas the pippin! - - And then Aphrodite! Oh my! - In that dress she must feel rather freezy. - There's confidence, though, in her eye, - She is taking it quite Japanesy. - That _musumé_ smile's quite a fetch, - And yet--I acknowledge--between us-- - (They'll call me a cold-blooded wretch) - I _can't_ stand a Japanese Venus! - - And so "the Hesperian fruit" - I must really reserve--for the present. - Yes. Heré will call me a brute, - And Pallas say things most unpleasant, - Aphrodite--won't _she_ give me beans! - They all want the pippin--you bet it! - To grab it each "goddess" quite means, - And oh! don't they wish they may get it? - - * * * * * - -"The New Woman" (according to the type suggested by the 'Revolt -of the Daughters') should be known as "The Revolting Woman." - - * * * * * - - A BALLADE OF THREE VOLUMES. - - O awful sentence that we read, - O news that really seems to stun, - For Messrs. MUDIE have decreed, - And also Messrs. SMITH AND SON, - Henceforth consistently to shun - The trilogies we value so, - And that, for thus the tidings run, - Three-volume novels are to go! - - Reflect to what it soon must lead, - This rash reform which you've begun; - How can the novelist succeed - In packing tragedy and fun - Within the space of Volume One? - Already his returns are low, - Soon he'll be utterly undone-- - Three-volume novels are to go! - - And then for us, who humbly plead - For long romances deftly spun, - Will not these stern barbarians heed - Our concentrated malison? - Alas, your literary Hun - Nor sorrow nor remorse can know; - He cries in anger, "Simpleton, - Three-volume novels are to go!" - - _Envoi._ - - Prince, writers' rights--forgive the pun-- - And readers' too, forbid the blow; - Of triple pleasure there'll be none, - Three-volume novels are to go! - - * * * * * - -Mrs. R. says she "quite understands the truth of the ancient proverb -which says that 'the man who has a family has given sausages to -fortune.'" - - * * * * * - - LYRE AND LANCET. - - (_A Story in Scenes._) - - PART IV.--RUSHING TO CONCLUSIONS. - - -SCENE IV.--_A First-Class Compartment._ - -_Spurrell (to himself)._ Formidable old party opposite me in the furs! -Nice-looking girl over in the corner; not a patch on my EMMA, though! -Wonder why I catch 'em sampling me over their papers whenever I look up! -Can't be anything wrong with my turn out. Why, of course, they heard TOM -talk about my going down to Wyvern Court; think I'm a visitor there and -no end of a nob! Well, what snobs some people are, to be sure! - -_Lady Cantire (to herself)._ So this is the young poet I made ALBINIA -ask to meet me. I can't be mistaken, I distinctly heard his friend -mention _Andromeda_. H'm, well, it's a comfort to find he's _clean!_ -Have I read his poetry or not? I know I _had_ the book, because I -distinctly remember telling MAISIE she wasn't to read it--but--well, -that's of no consequence. He looks clever and quite respectable--not in -the least picturesque--which is fortunate. I was beginning to doubt -whether it was quite prudent to bring MAISIE; but I needn't have worried -myself. - -_Lady Maisie (to herself)._ Here, actually in the same carriage! Does he -guess who _I_ am? Somehow----Well, he certainly _is_ different from what -I expected. I thought he would show more signs of having thought and -suffered; for he _must_ have suffered to write as he does. If Mamma knew -I had read his poems; that I had actually written to beg him not to -refuse Aunt ALBINIA'S invitation! He never wrote back. Of course I -didn't put my address; but still, he could have found out from the Red -Book if he'd cared. I'm rather glad now he _didn't_ care. - -_Spurr. (to himself)._ Old girl seems as if she meant to be sociable; -better give her an opening. (_Aloud._) Hem! would you like the window -down an inch or two? - -_Lady Cant._ Not on _my_ account, thank you. - -_Spurr. (to himself)._ Broke the ice, anyway. (_Aloud._) Oh, _I_ don't -want it down, but some people are fond of fresh air. - -_Lady Cant. (with a dignified little shiver)._ With a temperature as -glacial as it is in here! Surely not! - -_Spurr._ Well, it _is_ chilly; been raw all day. (_To himself._) She -don't answer. I _haven't_ broken the ice. - - [_He produces a memorandum book._ - -_Lady Maisie (to herself)._ He hasn't said anything _very_ original yet. -So _nice_ of him not to pose! Oh, he's got a note-book; he's going to -compose a poem. How interesting! - - [Illustration: "He's going to compose a poem. How interesting!"] - -_Spurr. (to himself)._ Yes, I'm all right if _Voluptuary_ wins the -Lincolnshire Handicap; lucky to get on at the price I did. When will the -weights come out for the City and Suburban? Let's see whether the Pink -'Un has anything about it. - - [_He refers to the "Sporting Times."_ - -_Lady Maisie (to herself)._ The inspiration's stopped--_what_ a pity! -How odd of him to read the _Globe_! I thought he was a Democrat! - -_Lady Cant._ MAISIE, there's quite a clever little notice in _Society -Snippets_ about the dance at SKYMPINGS last week. I'm sure I wonder how -they pick up these things; it quite bears out what I was told; says the -supper arrangements were "simply disgraceful; _no_ plovers' eggs, and -not nearly enough champagne; and what there was, undrinkable!" So _like_ -poor dear Lady CHESEPARE; never _does_ do things like anybody else. I'm -sure _I've_ given her hints enough! - -_Spurr. (to himself, with a suppressed grin)._ Wants to let me see _she_ -knows some swells. Now _ain't_ that paltry? - -_Lady Cant. (tendering the paper)._ Would you like to see it, MAISIE? -Just this hit here; where my finger is. - -_Lady Maisie (to herself, flushing)._ I saw him smile. What _must_ he -think of us, with his splendid scorn for rank? (_Aloud._) No, thank you, -Mamma; such a wretched light to read by! - -_Spurr. (to himself)._ Chance for _me_ to cut in! (_Aloud._) Beastly -light, isn't it? 'Pon my word, the company ought to provide us with a -dog and string apiece when we get out! - -_Lady Cant. (bringing a pair of long-handled glasses to bear upon him)._ -I happen to hold shares in this line. May I ask _why_ you consider a -provision of dogs and string at all the stations a necessary or -desirable expenditure? - -_Spurr._ Oh--er--well, you know, I only meant, bring on _blindness_ and -that. Harmless attempt at a joke, that's all. - -_Lady Cant._ I see. I scarcely expected that _you_ would condescend to -such weakness. I--ah--think you are going down to stay at Wyvern for a -few days, are you not? - -_Spurr (to himself)._ I was right. What TOM said _did_ fetch the old -girl; no harm in humouring her a bit. (_Aloud._) Yes--oh yes, -they--aw--wanted me to run down when I could. - -_Lady Cant._ I heard they were expecting you. You will find Wyvern a -pleasant house--for a short visit. - -_Spurr (to himself). She_ heard! Oh, she wants to kid me she knows the -CULVERINS. Rats! (_Aloud._) Shall I, though? I daresay. - -_Lady Cant._ Lady CULVERIN is a very sweet woman; a little limited, -perhaps, not intellectual, or quite what one would call the _grande -dame_; but perhaps _that_ could scarcely be expected. - -_Spurr. (vaguely)._ Oh, of course not--no. (_To himself._) If she -bluffs, so can I! (_Aloud._) It's funny your turning out to be an -acquaintance of Lady C.'s, though. - -_Lady Cant._ You think so? But I should hardly call myself an -_acquaintance_. - -_Spurr. (to himself)._ Old cat's trying to back out of it now; she -_shan't_, though! (_Aloud._) Oh, then I suppose you know Sir RUPERT -best? - -_Lady Cant._ Yes, I certainly know Sir RUPERT better. - -_Spurr. (to himself)._ Oh, you do, do you? We'll see. (_Aloud._) Nice -cheery old chap, Sir RUPERT, isn't he? I must tell him I travelled down -in the same carriage with a particular friend of his. (_To himself._) -That'll make her sit up! - -_Lady Cant._ Oh, then you and my brother RUPERT have met already? - -_Spurr. (aghast)._ Your brother! Sir RUPERT CULVERIN your----! Excuse -me--if I'd only known, I--I do assure you I never should have dreamt of -saying----! - -_Lady Cant. (graciously)._ You've said nothing whatever to distress -yourself about. You couldn't possibly be expected to know who I was. -Perhaps I had better tell you at once that I am Lady CANTIRE, and this -is my daughter, Lady MAISIE MULL. (SPURRELL _returns_ Lady MAISIE'S -_little bow in the deepest confusion._) We are going down to Wyvern too, -so I hope we shall very soon become better acquainted. - -_Spurr. (to himself, overwhelmed)._ The deuce we shall! I _have_ got -myself into a hole this time; I wish I could see my way well out of it! -Why on earth couldn't I hold my confounded tongue? I _shall_ look an ass -when I tell 'em. - - [_He sits staring at them in silent embarrassment._ - - SCENE V.--_A Second-Class Compartment._ - -_Undershell (to himself)._ Singularly attractive face this girl has; so -piquant and so refined! I can't help fancying she is studying me under -her eyelashes. She has remarkably bright eyes. Can she be interested in -me? does she expect me to talk to her? There are only she and I--but no, -just now I would rather be alone with my thoughts. This MAISIE MULL whom -I shall meet so soon; what is _she_ like, I wonder? I presume she is -unmarried. If I may judge from her artless little letter, she is young -and enthusiastic, and she is a passionate admirer of my verse; she is -longing to meet me. I suppose some men's vanity would be flattered by a -tribute like that. I think I must have none; for it leaves me strangely -cold. I did not even reply; it struck me that it would be difficult to -do so with any dignity, and she didn't tell me where to write to.... -After all, how do I know that this will not end--like everything -else--in disillusion? Will not such crude girlish adoration pall upon me -in time? If she were exceptionally lovely; or say, even as charming as -this fair fellow-passenger of mine--why then, to be sure--but no, -something warns me that that is not to be. I shall find her plain, -sandy, freckled; she will render me ridiculous by her undiscriminating -gush.... Yes, I feel my heart sink more and more at the prospect of this -visit. Ah me! - - [_He sighs heavily._ - -_His Fellow Passenger (to herself)._ It's too silly to be sitting here -like a pair of images, considering that----(_Aloud._) I hope you aren't -feeling unwell? - -_Und._ Thank you, no, not unwell. I was merely thinking. - -_His Fellow P._ You don't seem very cheerful over it, I must say. I've -no wish to be inquisitive, but perhaps you're feeling a little -lowspirited about the place you're going to? - -_Und._ I--I must confess I am rather dreading the prospect. How -wonderful that you should have guessed it! - -_His Fellow P._ Oh, I've been through it myself. I'm just the same when -_I_ go down to a new place; feel a sort of sinking, you know, as if the -people were sure to be disagreeable, and I should never get on with -them. - -_Und. Exactly_ my own sensations! If I could only be sure of finding -_one_ kindred spirit, one soul who would help and understand me. But I -daren't let myself hope even for that! - -_His Fellow P._ Well, I wouldn't judge beforehand. The chances are -there'll be _somebody_ you can take to. - -_Und. (to himself)._ What sympathy! What bright, cheerful common sense! -(_Aloud._) Do you know, you encourage me more than you can possibly -imagine! - -_His Fellow P. (retreating)._ Oh, if you are going to take my remarks -like _that_, I shall be afraid to go on talking to you! - -_Und. (with pathos)._ Don't--_don't_ be afraid to talk to me! If you -only knew the comfort you give! I have found life very sad, very -solitary. And true sympathy is so rare, so refreshing. I--I fear such an -appeal from a stranger may seem a little startling; it is true that -hitherto we have only exchanged a very few sentences; and yet already I -feel that we have something--much--in common. You can't be so cruel as -to let all intimacy cease here--it is quite tantalising enough that it -must end so soon. A very few more minutes, and this brief episode will -be only a memory; I shall have left the little green oasis far behind -me, and be facing the dreary desert once more--alone! - -_His Fellow P. (laughing)._ Well, of all the uncomplimentary things! As -it happens, though, "the little green oasis"--as you're kind enough to -call me--_won't_ be left behind; not if it's aware of it! I think I -heard your friend mention Wyvern Court! Well, that's where _I_'m going. - -_Und. (excitedly)._ You--_you_ are going to Wyvern Court! Why, then, you -must be---- - - [_He checks himself._ - -_His Fellow P._ What were you going to say; _what_ must I be? - -_Und. (to himself)._ There is no doubt about it; bright, independent -girl; gloves a trifle worn; travels second-class for economy; it must be -Miss MULL herself; her letter mentioned Lady CULVERIN as her aunt. A -poor relation, probably. She doesn't suspect that I am----I won't reveal -myself just yet; better let it dawn upon her gradually. (_Aloud._) Why, -I was only about to say, why then you must be going to the same house as -I am. How extremely fortunate a coincidence! - -_His Fellow P._ We shall see. (_To herself._) What a funny little man; -such a flowery way of talking for a footman. Oh, but I forgot; he said -he _wasn't_ going to wear livery. Well, he _would_ look a sight in it! - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: PREVENTION BETTER THAN CURE. - -"CAN YOU LET ME HAVE A BULLET-PROOF COAT FOR MY LITTLE DOG? MY NEXT-DOOR -NEIGHBOUR HAS THREATENED TO SHOOT HIM FOR BARKING!"] - - * * * * * - -WHERE TO SEND A YOUNG HORSE TO BE WELL BROKEN IN FOR RIDING.--Evidently -to the "Hackney Training Schools." - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: THE PERSONAL EQUATION. - -"YOU'RE GOING TO DRIVE MY LADY TO REGENT STREET, AREN'T YOU, DICKON?" - -"YES. IT'S HALL VERY WELL FOR _'ER LADYSHIP_ TO GO ABOUT IN A THING -LIKE THIS! SHE HAIN'T KNOWN IN THE WEST END. _HI HAM!_"] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: "EVICTED TENANTS." - -LOCAL VETO BILL. "ARE WE TO HAVE NO 'COMPENSATION FOR DISTURBANCE'?" - -H-RC-RT. "YOU'LL SEE!--RE-INSTATEMENT!--NEXT SESSION!!" - - [_Exeunt Bills, dejectedly._] - - * * * * * - - "EVICTED TENANTS." - - ["It is impracticable to proceed in the present Session with - some of the great measures to which the Government is pledged, - such, for example, as that relating to the Church in Wales, the - Registration Bill, and the Local Veto Bill."--_Sir William - Harcourt._ - - _Little Local Veto, loquitur:_-- - - Oh, exactly! Just what I expected! And after such volumes of talk! - My prospects you told me were brilliant, and here it all ends--in - a baulk! - O, won't I just work up Sir WILFRID, and won't I just wake Mister - CAINE? - But there, you can't trust _anybody_, these times, that's - exceedingly plain. - And _you_ too, my own bringer-up, to turn _me_ out of house and of - home! - Oho, you unnatural parent! And where shall we wanderers roam-- - Poor Taffy, and young (Registration) Bill--look at him - limping!--and Me? - And the other ones tucked up inside, and especially that impudent - Three, - The Irish, the Scotch, and the London boys, whom you so favour and - pet, - Are laughing at us from the window. But, drat them, their turn may - come yet. - They may have to turn out, after all! BILLY BUDGET of course is - all right, - For you fought for your favourite che-ild, and, by Jingo, it _has_ - been a fight! - But what have _I_ done to be rounded on? Call yourself boss of the - place? - Why, the BARTLEYS, and BOWLESES, and BOLTONS and BYRNES simply - laugh in your face! - What use to be landlord at all if you can't choose your tenants? - Oh my! - That odious Bung--one more B!--has the laugh of me still! I could - cry-- - But I _won't_. I will kick! I'm not meek, like those other two - poor little BILLS; - Look, how limp and dejected they go, though against their poor - dear little wills! - But _I_ am not going to be put upon. I'll make it awkward all round. - You won't treat me so any more; you won't "chuck" me again, I'll - be bound. - And what Compensation have I, for Disturbance? Eh! what's that you - say? - "All right?"--"Reinstatement--next year?"--"Pass away, my dears, - please, pass away?"-- - Ah! it's all very fine to look pleasant and promise fair - things--at the door; - But that's regular constable blarney, old boy, and _you've done it - before_! - Meanwhile we're Evicted, worse luck! like the poor Irish Tenants - whose case - Those busy B's muster to fight over. Ah! you put on a bold face, - But _we_ ain't the only Pill Garlics! No; some of 'em still left - inside - Will yet join us, out in the cold, as will p'raps be a pill to - their pride! - - [_Exit with other Bills._ - - * * * * * - -THE COLONEL AND THE QUIVER.--Our own Colonel SAUNDERSON, M.P., was never -better at his best than when, in the debate last Thursday night, he -said, "If the Bill passes, a quiver of horror will run through every -tenant, &c., &c." Of course the gallant Colonel meant "arrow" or "dart," -not "quiver." A dart or an arrow will run through a person, piercing him -in front, and reappearing at back. But "quiver" doesn't do this sort of -thing. An arrow so transfixing a body may make it quiver--but this is -another matter. More power to the quivering elbow of the gallant -Colonel! - - * * * * * - - LA FEMME DE CLAUDE. - - When lovely woman stoops to folly, - You'll find, according to DUMAS, - One certain cure for melancholy:-- - _Tue-la!_ - - French law, that damns you in the letter, - In spirit _change tout cela_; - They always manage matters better - _Là-bas._ - - These are the lines to play the man on; - Take her defenceless, cry "_Holà!_" - And trotting out the nimble cannon, - _Tue-la!_ - - Or take for choice the common cartridge; - Pop goes _le p'tit fusil, comme ça_! - You bag her neatly like a partridge - _Là-bas._ - - "_L'Homme-Femme_" may haunt the bosom British; - _Là France_ goes trolling "_Ça ira!_" - And waives the question with a skittish - "_Tue-la!_" - - No mutual recriminations, - No counterplea, _et cetera_; - One solves too simply these equations - _Là-bas._ - - So runs the play. We saw you foot it - Featly therein, _la belle Sara!_ - You were all there, or, so to put it, - _Toute là._ - - And now you go, and, if you'll let us, - Reluctantly we say "Ta-ta!" - Come back again, and don't forget us - _Là-bas._ - - * * * * * - -THE NEW MOTTO (_by our own Irishman_).--England expects every man this -day to pay his own Death Duty. - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: A ROYAL PROGRESS. - -SCENE--_Crossing in Rotten Row during the height of the Season. Two -Policemen stopping Riders. Little Girl, wheeling p'ram., with Baby -inside, about to cross._ - -_Mary Hanne._ "LOR', IT'S JUS' AS IF WE WOS THE QUEEN!"] - - * * * * * - - AIRS RESUMPTIVE. - - I.--THE GARDEN OF SLOTH. - - [Illustration: A]t the Court of the Earl, by the meeting of ways, - Man planted a garden, a garden that pays; - In the thick of the crowd, where they tread on your corn, - It is there that a singular plant has been born. - Hot days of desire and cool nights of disgust, - They are mine when its bud keeps refusing to bust. - O, Wheel of my weal! I am waiting forlorn, - I am waiting, I say, with a crush on my corn. - - In the "Garden of London" where night-lights are spread, - I watch Living Pictures, as old as the dead; - While a Tow-er Gigantic stands gruesome and glum, - By the shadow of Shows that are certain to come. - Will _they_ shoot as _I_ shoot on sixpenny slides? - Will _they_ want as _I_ want rotatory rides? - O, plant of a plant! I would barter my skin - For the chance of Ixion his regular spin! - - * * * * * - - By Our Schoolboy. - -_Q._ ([Greek: a]) Explain the allusion "Quorum Pars." ([Greek: b]) Give -reference. - -_R._ "Quorum" is a bench of magistrates who must be all Fathers of -Families, or Pa's. Hence the expression (which is a kind of Latin pun) -"Quorum Pars." ([Greek: b]) The references are numerous, and all highly -respectable. - - * * * * * - - FOR ARMS OR ALMS? - -An advertisement appears in a recent number of the _Athenæum_, headed -"Devon Volunteer Commemoration," in which "Drawings are invited for a -memorial of the fact that the Volunteer Movement of 1852 originated in -Devonshire." According to the regulations, "Drawings must be accompanied -by tenders for carrying out the work." Moreover, "the total cost, -including all charges for designing, carrying out, superintending, and -erecting the work, and surrounding the same with a suitable iron -railing, must not exceed £200." Now this is really a very fair sum, and -to assist one of our readers to win the prize, we allot the money in -appropriate items. Of course we can only give a rough estimate, but it -should be near enough to suit its purpose. - - COST OF THE DEVON VOLUNTEER COMMEMORATION MEMORIAL. - - Design (being a sovereign more than the - sum offered for a second prize) 6 0 0 - Stone 10 0 0 - Engraving inscription 30 0 0 - Gilding the names of the Committee, &c., - engaged in the work 50 0 0 - Designer's charge for carrying out, - superintending and erecting work 4 0 0 - Balance (to be used for surrounding - memorial "with a suitable iron railing") 100 0 0 - ------- - £200 0 0 - -And now, having shown how the thing may be done, we hope that -the best man may win. It is pleasant to find Art so greatly -appreciated in Devonshire--a county which apparently is as rich and -as generous as its own cream! - - * * * * * - -POST PRANDIAL.--If the geraniums and roses in my LOUISA'S garden could -speak, what celebrated dinner-giver would they name?--LOO! CULL US! - - * * * * * - - FAREWELL TO McGLADSTONE. - - (_From the Heart of Midlothian._) - - ["I must here add, in explicit terms, the few decisive words to - which, after all that has happened, I feel a natural reluctance - to give utterance. It is not my intention, at the age I have now - reached, to ask re-election (for Midlothian) when the present - Parliament shall be dissolved."--_Mr. Gladstone's Farewell - Letter to Midlothian._] - - [Illustration: AIR--"_Farewell to Mackenzie._"] - - Farewell to MCGLADSTONE, great Chief of the North! - Midlothian remembers when first setting forth, - The Chieftain she's mourning his course here began, - Launching forth on wild billows his bark like a man, - And stirring all hearts with his eloquent voice.-- - Farewell to MCGLADSTONE, the Chief of our choice! - - O swift was his galley, and hardy his crew, - Her Captain was skilful, her mariners true. - In danger undaunted, unwearied by toil, - Though the storms might arise, and the billows might boil, - In the wind and the warfare _he_ seemed to rejoice.-- - Farewell to MCGLADSTONE, the Chief of our choice! - - Blow bland on his parting, thou sweet southland gale! - Like the sighs of his sailors breathe soft on his sail; - Be prolong'd as regret that his vassals must know, - Be fair as their faith, and sincere as their woe: - Be so soft, and so fair, and so friendly of voice, - Wafting homeward MCGLADSTONE, the Chief of our choice! - - He was pilot experienced, and trusty, and wise, - To measure the seas, and to study the skies; - He would hoist all her canvas on Victory's tack, - Kind Heaven crowd it fuller when wafting him back - To his home in far Hawarden, where hearts will rejoice - To welcome MCGLADSTONE, the Chief of our choice. - - _Midlothian no more!_ 'Tis a sorrowful cry, - And we gaze on the waves, and we glance at the sky; - We shall long, when clouds darken and wild waves o'erwhelm, - For his voice through the gale, for his hand on the helm. - Now we shout through the shadows, with tears in our voice: - Farewell to MCGLADSTONE, great Chief of our choice! - - _Midlothian no more!_ Faith, we fancy we hear - The cry of the Chieftain who never knew fear, - Stout still through its sadness, "Keep up the good fight! - Let Midlothian, let Scotland, still stand for the Right!" - The last burden brave of the valorous voice - Of dauntless MCGLADSTONE, great Chief of our choice! - - _Midlothian no more!_ In despite, Chief, of all, - The Heart of Midlothian responds to your call. - Its echoes shall live, though no longer your form - Shall steer us to sunshine, or cheer us in storm. - Then farewell to the presence, but not to the voice - Of "Auld WULLIE" GLADSTONE, great Chief of our choice! - - * * * * * - - THE COPPERATION AT WINSER. - -Oh, didn't the grand old Copperation have a grand treat last week at -Winser! Her grashus Majesty the QUEEN asked 'em all down to her butiful -Pallace to hear the sollem Recorder read to her their joyful feelings at -the birth of her dear little Great Grand Son! And then, to the great joy -of all on 'em, Her MAJESTY read such a delishus arnser as amost brort -tears to the eyes of some of the young uns of the Party, and sent 'em -away to the butiful Lunshon Room to refresh exhorsted natur with a -delicate Lunch, and sum exkisit Madeary, such as King GEORGE THE FOURTH -is said to have saved xpressly for simmilar glorius ocasions. - -Don't let it be supposed as I wants peeple to beleeve as I was there; -but I had the hole account given by one as was, and I ain't ixagerated -it not a bit. - -There is a sertain Body of gents in London as ewidently wonts to play -fust fiddel in the guvernment of our grand old City, but I havent heard -of their being asked down to Winser Carsel to congratulate her Most -Grayshus MAGESTY on the late appy ewent. Should they be so I should most -suttenly make a pint of seeing 'em all start, if it were only out of -curiosity to see what sort of State Mazerine Gownds they would all wear! - -I had allmost forgot to menshun that the two Sherryffs, and the Chairman -of the big Tower Bridge, was all benighted, and came out of the presents -Chamber smiling like ancient Cherubs. I am told as how as the -Copperation was so werry much delited with their royal wisit to royal -Winser, that they has been and passed a werry similer wote of thanks to -the Dook and Dutchess of YORK, and arsked them to receeve 'em jest the -same as the QUEEN did, but they is both werry sorry to say, that their -Pallis not being near so big as Her MAJESTY'S, they hopes as only a -small Deppytation of Aldermen and C. C.'s will attend. - -Oh won't there be jest a rush for places, as every one on 'em is -naterally anxious to show his loyelty on so hinteresting an ocasion, tho -of course they carnt expec to have heverything exacly the same as they -had at Royel Winser. - - ROBERT. - - * * * * * - - OPERA NOTES. - -_Tuesday, July 17._--"The opera season will terminate July 30." To-night -VERDI'S opera of _Aïda_, "with the dotlets on the _i_." First appearance -of Madame ADINI, a spacious _prima donna_ who amply fills the part. -GIULIA RAVOGLI an excellent _Amneris_. Opera apparently not particularly -attractive, or more powerful attractions elsewhere. - -_Saturday, 21._--_Pagliacci_ followed by new opera entitled _The Lady of -Longford_, though it would have been more polite had the Pagliacci -allowed the Lady to precede them. But Pagliacci will be Pagliacci. _The -Lady_'s Librettists are Sir DRURIOLANUS POETICUS and Mr. F. E. -WEATHERLY. The music is by EMIL BACH. The Gentlemen of Longford are -represented by Messrs. ALVAREZ and EDOUARD DE RESZKE, while _the_ Lady, -the big lady, is EMMA EAMES--"quite the lady"--and the little lady is -EVELYN HUGHES. This new Lady turns out to be our old friend the one-act -drama by TOM TAYLOR entitled _A Sheep in Wolf's Clothing_, set to music, -the comic characters being omitted, and the end made tragic instead of -happy. The music does not entitle BACH to take a front seat. EMMA EAMES -excellent; FANNY HUGHES funny; ALVAREZ good; JEAN DE RESZKE first-rate -all-round-head Colonel, but more like a Cathedral than a Kirk. Composer -and Librettists complimented; MANCINELLI conducted; house full. General -satisfaction. - - * * * * * - -HARD CASE OF "EVICTED TENANTS" IN DRURY LANE.--At a general assembly of -the Theatre Royal Drury Lane Company of Proprietors last Wednesday, Mr. -CHITTY is reported to have observed that "after putting £300,000 into -the building without receiving a farthing in return, they were now to -have their money confiscated by the law, but in such circumstances as -one would not have expected from a nobleman in the Duke of BEDFORD'S -position." Ahem! Why did not Sir DRURIOLANUS arise and, remembering the -_Barber of Seville_, sing "CHITTY, CHITTY, _piano! piano!_" But -naturally the Drury Laneites must feel a bit hurt. - - * * * * * - - THE "GRAND NATIONAL" - TRUST. - -A Meeting has recently taken place at Grosvenor House to establish a -National Trust, the idea being to preserve places of historic interest -and natural beauty. Announced at the meeting that already a beautiful -cliff had been promised by a lady. We understand the following promises -have also been received:-- - -_The Duke of W-stm-nst-r._--A very handsome ground-rent. Intended to -support and sustain beautiful cliffs, &c. - -_The Duke of D-v-nsh-re._--Ch-tsw-rth, which, owing to recent -legislation, he can no longer afford to keep up. Intends to take a small -cottage, it is believed, at some inexpensive town on the East Coast. -Several Distressed Dukes have also promised, on their death, to leave -their estates to the Trust. - -_A Lover of Ozone._--A particularly bracing breeze. To be dedicated to -the public for ever. - -_The London County Council._--The Shaftesbury Fountain. The L. C. C., we -understand, welcomes the prospect of handing over to the Trust the -responsibility attaching to this insoluble problem. - -_A Hertfordshire Gentleman._--A thoroughly reliable right of way. - -_Mr. Th-m-s B-ch-m._--A unique collection of signboards _in situ_. These -are placed in the midst of the most lovely natural scenery, and in -themselves will very soon, it is hoped, be of _historic_ interest. - -_Sir Fr-d-r-ck P-ll-ck_ will arrange in every case to supply a good -title. - -_Mr. Punch_ heartily commends so patriotic a scheme to his readers. Any -beautiful cliffs, ground-rents, rights of way, &c., sent to him at 85, -Fleet Street will immediately be forwarded to the proper quarter. -N.B.--It is just possible an exception to this rule might be made in the -case of ground-rents. - - * * * * * - - HOW IT IS DONE. - - (_An Art-Recipe._) - - [Illustration: QUID EST PICTURA?--VERITAS FALSA. - - (Epictetus.)] - - Take a lot of black triangles, - Some amorphous blobs of red; - Just a sprinkle of queer spangles, - An ill-drawn Medusa head; - Some red locks in Gorgon tangles, - And a scarlet sunshade, spread: - Take a "_portière_" quaint and spotty, - Take a turn-up nose or two; - The loose lips of one "gone dotty," - A cheese-cutter chin, askew; - Pose like that of front-row "TOTTIE," - Hat as worn by "COSTER LOO"; - Take an hour-glass waist, in section, - Shoulders hunched up camel-wise; - Give a look of introspection - (Or a squint) to two black eyes; - Or a glance of quaint dejection, - Or a glare of wild surprise; - Slab and slop them all together - With a background of sheer sludge; - (Like a slum in foggy weather), - And this blend of scrawl and smudge - Vend as ART--in highest feather!-- - Dupes in praise will blare and blether. - Honest _Burchells_ will cry--"FUDGE!!!" - - * * * * * - - A Demi-French Octave. - - (_Picked up in a Dressing-room._) - - My razor, you're a true _raseur_, - That is, you bore me badly! - You're blunt, you gash--_de tout mon coeur_ - I _bless_ you wildly, madly! - _Vraiment, c'est vous qu' j'ai en horreur_ - Each morn on rising sadly; - Were't not that shaving's _de rigueur_, - In turn I'd cut _you_ gladly! - - * * * - -IN VIEW OF HOLIDAYS. A HINT.--Of course if you're on pedestrian tours -bent--if you're a bicyclist you'll be still more bent--you cannot do -better than, as a pedestrian, get WALKER'S Maps. If you are going to -sail, or by steam, you are again referred to----"WALKER, London." There -is a good idea in these Maps which might be still further developed, and -that is not only to show the route and the manner of making your -journey, but by arrangement with the principal Steam-boat and Railway -Companies some sort of "itinerary" might be added to the Map, with -information as to the "means whereby," which to the toiler in search of -a brief holiday "by rail, by river, or by sea," and perhaps by all -three, would be most useful were it available as an almost -"instantaneous process" of reference. - - * * * - - BISLEY. - - Pelt or drizzly, - Weather--_Bisley_! - - * * * - -FINANCIAL PROBLEM (_the effect of reading the Budget Debates_).--Why is -the Income-Tax so sharply felt? Because, disguise it as you may, it's a -case of tin-tax! - - * * * - -LONDON KNIGHT BY KNIGHT.--The SOLICITOR-GENERAL Knighted last Wednesday -at Windsor. Will BOB (the only name by which his many friends know him) -henceforth be known as "the Queen's Shilling"? - - * * * * * - - RANELAGH IN RAIN. - - How sweet this road is, fringed by hedgerow elm, - Where peeps in May the hawthorn's snowy bud, - A fairy place that seems _Titania's_ realm! - By Jove, what mud! - - How sweet this turf, as soft as finest moss! - Such "_gazon anglais_" we alone can get. - Oh hang it, no! I cannot walk across, - It's soaking wet! - - How sweet that lake, where gentle eddies play! - But all around seems lake, through rainfall dim. - Why want a pond, when on dry (!) land to-day - We almost swim? - - How sweet--to get a Hansom home again, - And leave this aguish, rheumatic damp! - I do not love thee, Ranelagh, in rain, - Beneath a gamp. - - * * * * * - - WHAT'S IN A NAME INDEED? - - "Edward, Albert, Christian, George, - Andrew, Patrick, David, - Drink life's pleasures with free gorge! - From its pains be savèd!" - So said _Punch_ at the White Lodge, - His old optics glistening, - Sure such names ill-luck should dodge; - Sure such names no babe e'er bore, - Patron Saints! You've all the four - To bless the Royal Christening! - - * * * * * - -A COMPANY THAT OUGHT TO "FLOAT."--"The Cork Company." - - * * * * * - - ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. - - EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. - -_House of Commons, Monday, July 16._--The Blameless B. is translated -into the Breathless BARTLEY. Of eleven pages of Amendments to Budget -Bill standing for consideration when House met to-day, not less than -three contributed by this particular B. Embodied readjusted scale of -graduated taxation. Only objections to it presently stated by SQUIRE OF -MALWOOD: (1) It would necessitate total reconstruction of Bill (2) -resulting in loss of £643,000; (3) whole question had been thoroughly -threshed out in Committee. To raise it again at eleventh hour seemed too -much to ask even in connection with Budget Bill. - -Nevertheless BARTLEY, not yet breathless, moved his multitudinous -Amendment. Resumed his seat with consciousness of man who had done his -duty. The SQUIRE would get up to answer him; debate would follow; at -least two hours would be pleasantly occupied. Instead of SQUIRE, -ATTORNEY-GENERAL rose. "Well," said BLAMELESS, throwing himself into -attitude of attention, "let's hear what he has to say." - -Turned out to be exceedingly little. "Government scale has been attacked -and defended many times," said ATTORNEY-GENERAL. "I do not think it -necessary to defend it again; but," here he leaned on the table with -engaging look at the now BREATHLESS BARTLEY, "the hon. gentleman can -take a division if he thinks fit." - -BARTLEY sat and audibly gasped. JOKIM gallantly protested against this -treatment of his hon. friend; threatened to move adjournment of debate. -PRINCE ARTHUR sent for; arrived almost as breathless as BARTLEY; thunder -boomed, lightning flashed round head of ATTORNEY-GENERAL, who is always -finding himself astonished. "The hon. and learned gentleman," said -PRINCE ARTHUR, with delightful assumption of anger, "has abused the -situation. The Opposition have no means of compelling him to talk sense, -but talk he must." - -SQUIRE OF MALWOOD, who had fled before prospect of long speech from -BARTLEY, hastily brought back. Don't know where incident would have -ended had it not been for KENYON-SLANEY. Finding opening he slipped in. -Threw himself into easy oratorical attitude; proposed to consider -principle of graduation adopted in Bill. Would do so under three heads: -injustice to the poor, injustice to the middle-class, injustice to the -rich. - -This too much even for Opposition. With groans of despair they rushed -into Division Lobby; BARTLEY'S scheme negatived by majority of 62. - -_Business done._--Budget Bill passed Report stage. - -_Wednesday._--ST. JOHN BRODRICK sitting on front Opposition Bench -through Committee of Supply on Army Estimates this afternoon, invested -neighbourhood with unwonted air of fashion. Not that there is, as a -rule, any lack of style on part of Leaders of Opposition regarded as a -body. Only something, _je ne sais quoi_, about BRODRICK that suggested -profoundest depths of POOLE. Couldn't help complimenting him on his turn -out. - -"Evidently you spare no expense," I said; "though why even a millionaire -should wear an overcoat a day like this seems wicked waste of property. -Hope you are not growing desperate in anticipation of Death Duties; -spending your money recklessly so that HARCOURT may be disappointed -when, for taxing purposes, he comes to aggregate your property?" - - [Illustration: "The Young Wales Party."] - -"My dear boy," said BRODRICK, giving the overcoat a dexterous lift by -the lappels that added fresh grace to its fit at the back of the neck, -"you're out of it altogether. This is the thirteen-and-sixpenny coat -supplied to Tommy Atkins in which,--following the advice of Dr. JOHNSON, -wasn't it?--I, as I told the House the other day, took a walk down Bond -Street. The surtout underneath, which I will fully display when the -House gets a little fuller, cost seventeen-and-six net. You will observe -it is so made that you can button it across and so save a waistcoat. If -you must have a waistcoat, we can do it at eight-and-ninepence. As for -trousers, these cost me thirteen shillings." (Here he stretched out and -fondly regarded a manly leg.) "If I had taken a couple of pair, cut at -the same time you know, I could have had the two for 25_s._ I see your -eyes fixed on the boots. As you say, the shape of the foot may have -something to do with it. But apart from that, the article is equal to -what you pay thirty-five shillings for in Regent Street or Piccadilly. -Eleven-and-ninepence was the figure. Misfits, very popular with privates -newly joined, knock off the odd ninepence. Of course I don't wear this -suit every day. Can't afford that; put 'em on whenever House in -Committee on Army Supply or debate going forward on Army matters. It -encourages CAWMELL--BANNERMAN, you know; helps WOODALL in getting his -clothing vote; and, I believe, is rather liked by Tommy Atkins." - -_Business done._--SQUIRE OF MALWOOD announces programme for remainder of -Session. A mere nothing. Only, as PRINCE ARTHUR says, in view of number -of Bills and their contentious character, more like what we are -accustomed to at beginning of Session, than to have dumped down in what -should be its last month. - -_Thursday._--"JOSEPH," said the Member for SARK, dropping into one of -his tiresome didactic moods, "would do well in any circumstances. -Whether in Upper Egypt or Lower, he was sure to come to the top of the -well, however securely his brethren might have packed him in its lowest -depths. But, regarding him just now as he criticised the SQUIRE'S -arrangements for the Session, I could not help thinking what a loss the -auction-room has only partially survived by his turn into the field of -politics. If in early life, or even middle age, he had only taken to the -rostrum, the shade of the much over-rated ROBINS would have been dimmed -in glory. Observe how well he looks the part. See with what unconscious -effect he produces a stumpy piece of lead pencil, and looks round for -bids. Listen to the clear sharp notes of his voice. 'What shall we say, -gentlemen, for the Equalisation of Rates Bill? How many days will you -give for it? Name your own time, gentlemen. There is no reserve. Shall -we say six days? Does the tall, somewhat stout gentleman with a white -waistcoat, on the Treasury Bench, shake his head? Very well, we will say -four days. Going at four days;' and the pencil, scratching out six, -substitutes four. This may seem very easy when it's done; but it's art, -TOBY, even genius. If you think it's easy for a man discussing State -business, suddenly but completely to invest the high court of Parliament -with the tone and atmosphere of an auction-room, just reckon up how many -other men of first rank in public life could do it. Not to go further -afield, could PRINCE ARTHUR manage it, even after a week's training? -Very well; then don't minimise a successful effort because, thanks to -the commanding influence of native talent, its accomplishment seems easy -to a particular person." - -_Business done._--HICKS-BEACH, complaining that Ministers have dropped a -large number of Bills for lack of time to pass them, and asserting that -the time remaining at their disposal for passing the poor balance is too -short, reduces it by three hours, in order that he and his friends may -lament the fact. - -_Friday._--House heard with keen satisfaction that SZLUMPER is around -again. Not having seen in the newspapers any telegrams from him lately, -there was vague idea that he had succumbed to his exertions on occasion -of the happy event at White Lodge. Perhaps he was a little fatigued, for -SZLUMPER, in addition to being Mayor of Richmond, is almost human. No -man born of woman could with impunity fire off such a succession of -telegrams as on that memorable day SZLUMPER dealt out to his Sovereign, -the Heir Apparent to the Throne, the Crowned Heads of Europe, and his -ducal neighbours at the White Lodge. But on Royal Christening day -SZLUMPER was around again, with a little SZLUMPER carrying a bouquet of -flowers to be presented to the QUEEN, whilst SZLUMPER _père_, plumped on -his knees, welcomed his Sovereign within the gateway of ancient -Richmond. - -"_Ah, ce_ SZLUMPER!" said SARK, "he delights me more and more. He -represents, if you think of it, the essence of our English social life. -He is part of the foundation of the British Constitution, which -everyone, especially those regarding it from a distance, regards as the -perfection of good government." - -_Business done._--A dull night speechmaking on Irish Evicted Tenants -Bill. - - * * * * * - - OXFORD AND YALE.--(JULY 16.) - - A very good fight! Come again to us, Yale! - We know a true Yank knows not how to spell "fail." - HICKOK and SHELDON can throw and can jump! - And e'en in the racing you made our lads pump - Come again, Yale, come again, and again; - Victors or vanquished such visits aren't vain. - One of these days you will probably nick us. - We don't crow when we lick; we won't cry when you lick us! - - * * * * * - -Rise, Sir! - - "We are informed that the QUEEN has been pleased to confer the - honour of a Baronetcy on Dr. JOHN WILLIAMS, of Brook Street. Dr. - WILLIAMS is the Physician who attended the Duchess of - YORK."--_Daily Paper, July 16._ - -We congratulate Sir JOHN, who is now a Sur-geon in every sense of the -word. - - - - - Transcriber Notes: - -Passages in italics were indicated by _underscores_. - -Small caps were replaced with ALL CAPS. - -Throughout the document, the oe ligature was replaced with "oe". - -Throughout the dialogues, there were words used to mimic accents of the -speakers. Those words were retained as-is. - -The illustrations have been moved so that they do not break up -paragraphs and so that they are next to the text they illustrate. - -Errors in punctuations and inconsistent hyphenation were not corrected -unless otherwise noted. - - - - - - -End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. -107, July 28th 1894, by Various - -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON *** - -***** This file should be named 40509-8.txt or 40509-8.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: - http://www.gutenberg.org/4/0/5/0/40509/ - -Produced by Malcolm Farmer, Ernest Schaal, and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net - - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions -will be renamed. - -Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no -one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation -(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without -permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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