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diff --git a/40352-8.txt b/40352-8.txt deleted file mode 100644 index f5f6c44..0000000 --- a/40352-8.txt +++ /dev/null @@ -1,1599 +0,0 @@ -The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 107. -August 4, 1894., by Various - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with -almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or -re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included -with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org/license - - -Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 107. August 4, 1894. - -Author: Various - -Editor: Sir Francis Burnand - -Release Date: July 27, 2012 [EBook #40352] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON *** - - - - -Produced by Punch, or the London Charivari, Malcolm Farmer, -Ernest Schaal, and the Online Distributed Proofreading -Team at http://www.pgdp.net - - - - - - - - - -PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. -VOL. 107. -AUGUST 4, 1894. - - * * * * * - - SPORT FOR RATEPAYERS. - -_August 1st._--Deer-shooting in Victoria Park commences. - -_2nd._--Distribution of venison to "Progressive" County Councillors and -their families--especially to Aldermen. - -_3rd._--Stalking American bison in the Marylebone disused grave-yard is -permitted from this day. A staff of competent surgeons will be outside -the palings. - -_4th._--Chamois-coursing in Brockwell Park. - -_5th._--A few rogue elephants having been imported (at considerable -expense to the rates), and located in the Regent's Park, the Chairman of -the L. C. C., assisted by the Park-keepers, will give an exhibition of -the method employed in snaring them. The elephants in the Zoological -Gardens will be expected to assist. - -_6th._--_Bank Holiday._--Popular festival on Hampstead Heath. Two herds -of red deer will be turned on to the Heath at different points, and -three or four specially procured man-eating Bengal tigers will be let -loose at the Flag-staff to pursue them. Visitors may hunt the deer or -the tigers, whichever they prefer. Express rifles recommended, also the -use of bullet-proof coats. No dynamite to be employed against the -tigers. Ambulances in the Vale of Health. The Council's Band, up some of -the tallest trees, will perform musical selections. - -_7th._--Races at Wormwood Scrubbs between the Council's own ostriches -and leading cyclists. A force of the A1 Division of the Metropolitan -Police, mounted on some of the reindeer from the enclosure at Spring -Gardens, will be stationed round the ground to prevent the ostriches -escaping into the adjoining country. - -_8th._--Sale of ostrich feathers (dropped in the contests) to West-End -bonnet-makers at Union prices. - -_9th._--Grand review of all the Council's animals on Clapham Common. -Procession through streets (also at Union rate). Banquet on municipal -venison, tiger chops, elephant steaks, and ostrich wings at Spring -Gardens. Progressive fireworks. - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: GENEROSITY. - -_Andrew (preparing to divide the orange)._ "WILL YOU CHOOSE THE BIG -HALF, GEORGIE, OR THE WEE HALF?" - -_George._ "'COURSE I'LL CHOOSE THE BIG HALF." - -_Andrew (with resignation)._ "THEN I'LL JUST HAVE TO MAKE 'EM EVEN."] - - * * * * * - -RATHER A CHANGE--FOR THE BETTER.--They (the dockers) wouldn't listen to -BEN TILLETT. They cried out to him, "We keep you and starve ourselves." -Hullo! the revolt of the sheep! are they beginning to think that their -leaders and instigators are after all _not_ their best friends? "O -TILLETT not in Gath!" And Little BEN may say to himself, "I'll wait -TILL-ETT's over." - - * * * * * - - LINES IN PLEASANT PLACES. - - V.--SCHOOL. "A DISTANT VIEW." - - "Distance lends enchantment"--kindly Distance! - Wiping out all troubles and disgraces, - How we seem to cast, with your assistance, - All our boyish lines in pleasant places! - - Greek and Latin, struggles mathematic, - These were worries leaving slender traces; - Now we tell the boys (we wax emphatic) - How our lines fell all in pleasant places. - - How we used to draw (immortal _Wackford_!) - EUCLID's figures, more resembling faces, - Surreptitiously upon the black-board, - Crude yet telling lines in pleasant places. - - Pleasant places! That was no misnomer. - Impositions?--little heed scape-graces; - Writing out a book or so of HOMER, - Even those were lines in pleasant places! - - How we scampered o'er the country, leading - Apoplectic farmers pretty chases, - Over crops, through fences all unheeding, - Stiff cross-country lines in pleasant places. - - Yes, and how--too soon youth's early day flies-- - In the purling brook which seaward races - _How_ we used to poach with luscious May-flies, - Casting furtive lines in pleasant places. - - Then the lickings! How we took them, scorning - Girlish outcry, though we made grimaces; - Only smiled to find ourselves next morning - Somewhat marked with lines in pleasant places! - - Alma Mater, whether young or olden, - Thanks to you for hosts of friendly faces, - Treasured memories, days of boyhood golden, - Lines that fell in none but pleasant places! - - * * * * * - - LONDON BICYCLISTS. - - ["Mr. ASQUITH said that he was informed by the Chief - Commissioner of the Metropolitan Police that undoubtedly - numerous accidents were caused by bicycles and tricycles, though - he was not prepared to say from the cause of the machines - passing on the near instead of the off side of the road. - Bicycles and tricycles were carriages, and should conform to the - rules of the road, and the police, as far as possible, enforced - the law as to riding to the common danger."--_Daily Graphic, - July 25._] - - Round the omnibus, past the van, - Rushing on with a reckless reel, - Darts that horrible nuisance, an - Ardent cyclist resolved that he'll - Ride past everything he can, - Heed not woman, or child, or man, - Beat some record, some ride from Dan - To Beersheba; that seems his plan. - Why does not the Home Office ban - London fiends of the whirling wheel? - - Let them ride in the country so, - Dart from Duncansbay Head to Deal, - Shoot as straight as the flight of crow, - Sweep as swallow that seeks a meal, - We don't care how the deuce they go, - But in thoroughfares where we know - Cyclists, hurrying to and fro, - Make each peaceable man their foe, - Riders, walkers alike cry "Whoa! - Stop these fiends of the whirling wheel!" - - * * * * * - - ODE ON SACRIFICE. - - Amid the glowing pageant of the year - There comes too soon th' inevitable shock, - That token of the season sere, - To the unthinking fair so cheaply dear, - Who, like to shipwreck'd seamen, do it hail, - And cry, "A Sale! a Sale! - A Sale! a Summer Sale of Surplus Stock!" - - See, how, like busy-humming bees - Around the ineffable fragrance of the lime, - Woman, unsparing of the salesman's time, - Reviews the stock, and chaffers at her ease, - Nor yet, for all her talking, purchases, - But takes away, with copper-bulgèd purse, - The textile harvest of a quiet eye, - Great bargains still unbought, and power to buy. - - Or she, her daylong, garrulous labour done, - Some victory o'er reluctant remnants won, - Fresh from the trophies of her skill, - Things that she needed not, nor ever will, - She takes the well-earned bun; - Ambrosial food, DEMETER erst design'd - As the appropriate food of womankind, - Plain, or with comfits deck'd and spice; - Or, daintier, dallies with an ice. - Nor feels in heart the worse - Because the haberdashers thus disperse - Their surplus stock at an astounding sacrifice! - - Yet Contemplation pauses to review - The destinies that meet the silkworm's care, - The fate of fabrics whose materials grew - In the same fields of cotton or of flax, - Or waved on fellow-flockmen's fleecy backs, - And the same mill, loom, case, emporium, shelf, did share. - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: "ADDING INSULT," &c. - -SCENE--_Hunters cantering round Show Ring._ - -_Youth on hard-mouthed Grey (having just cannoned against old -Twentystun)._ "'SCUSE ME, SIR,--'BLIGED TO DO IT. NOTHING LESS THAN A -HAYSTACK STOPS HIM!"] - - * * * * * - - THE RIDER'S VADE MECUM. - - (_For Use in Rotten Row._) - -_Question._ What part of London do you consider the most dangerous for -an equestrian? - -_Answer._ That part of the Park known as Rotten Row. - -_Q._ Why is it so dangerous? - -_A._ Because it is overcrowded in the Season, and at all times -imperfectly kept. - -_Q._ What do you mean by "imperfectly kept"? - -_A._ I mean that the soil is not free from bricks and other impediments -to comfortable and safe riding. - -_Q._ Why do you go to Rotten Row? - -_A._ Because it is the most convenient place in London for the residents -of the West End. - -_Q._ But would not Battersea Park do as well? - -_A._ It is farther afield, and at present, so far as the rides are -concerned, given over to the charms of solitude. - -_Q._ And is not the Regent's Park also available for equestrians? - -_A._ To some extent; but the roads in that rather distant pleasaunce are -not comparable for a moment with the ride within view of the Serpentine. - -_Q._ Would a ride in Kensington Gardens be an advantage? - -_A._ Yes, to some extent; still it would scarcely be as convenient as -the present exercising ground. - -_Q._ Then you admit that there are (and might be) pleasant rides other -than Rotten Row? - -_A._ Certainly; but that fact does not dispense with the necessity of -reform in existing institutions. - -_Q._ Then you consider the raising of other issues is merely a plan to -confuse and obliterate the original contention? - -_A._ Assuredly; and it is a policy that has been tried before with -success to obstructors and failure to the grievance-mongers. - -_Q._ So as two blacks do not make one white you and all believe that -Rotten Row should be carefully inspected and the causes of the recent -accidents ascertained and remedied? - -_A._ I do; and, further, am convinced that such a course would be for -the benefit of the public in general and riders in Rotten Row in -particular. - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: "PERSONALLY CONDUCTED."] - - * * * * * - - "PERSONALLY CONDUCTED." - - 'Tis a norrible tale I'm a-going to narrate; - It happened--vell, each vone can fill in the date! - It's a heartrending tale of three babbies so fine. - Whom to spifflicate promptly their foes did incline. - Ven they vos qvite infants they lost their mamma; - They vos left all alone in the vorld vith their pa. - But to vatch o'er his babbies vos always _his_ plan-- - (_Chorus_)-- - 'Cos their daddy he vos sich a keerful old man! - - He took those three kiddies all into his charge, - And kep them together so they shouldn't "go large." - Two hung to his coat-tails along the hard track. - And the third one, he clung to his neck pick-a-back. - The foes of those kiddies they longed for their bleed, - And they swore that to carry 'em _he_ shouldn't succeed, - But to save them poor babbies he hit on a plan-- - (_Chorus_)-- - 'Cos their dadda he vos sich a artful old man! - - Some hoped, from exposure, the kids would ketch cold, - And that croup or rheumatics would lay 'em in the mould; - But they seemed to survive every babbyish disease, - Vich their venomous enemies did not qvite please. - But, in course, sich hard lines did the kiddies no good; - They got vet in the storm, they got lost in the vood, - But their dad cried, "I'll yet save these kids if I can!"-- - (_Chorus_)-- - 'Cos their feyther he vos sich a dogged old man! - - Foes hoped he'd go out of his depth,--or his mind,-- - Or, cutting his stick, leave his babbies behind, - Ven they came to the margin of a vide roaring stream. - And the kids, being frightened, began for to scream. - But he cries, cheery like, "Stash that hullabulloo! - _Keep your eye on your father, and HE'll pull you through!!_"-- - Vich some thinks he _vill_ do--if any von can-- - (Chorus)-- - 'Cos Sir VILLYUM he is sich a walliant old man! - - * * * * * - - LYRE AND LANCET. - - (_A Story in Scenes._) - - PART V.--CROSS-PURPOSES. - - SCENE VI.--_A First-Class Compartment._ - -_Lady Maisie_ (_to herself_). Poets don't seem to have much -self-possession. He seems perfectly overcome by hearing my name like -that. If only he doesn't lose his head completely and say something -about my wretched letter! - -_Spurrell_ (_to himself_). I'd better tell 'em before they find out for -themselves. (_Aloud; desperately._) My lady, I--I feel I ought to -explain at once how I come to be going down to Wyvern like this. - - [Lady MAISIE _only just suppresses a terrified protest_. - -_Lady Cantire_ (_benignly amused_). My good Sir, there's not the -slightest necessity, I am perfectly aware of who you are, and everything -about you! - -_Spurr._ (_incredulously_). But really I don't see _how_ your -ladyship----Why, I haven't said a _word_ that---- - -_Lady Cant._ (_with a solemn waggishness_). Celebrities who mean to -preserve their _incognito_ shouldn't allow their friends to see them -off. I happened to hear a certain _Andromeda_ mentioned, and that was -quite enough for Me! - -_Spurr._ (_to himself, relieved_). She knows; seen the sketch of me in -the _Dog Fancier_, I expect; goes in for breeding bulls herself, very -likely. Well, that's a load off my mind! (_Aloud._) You don't say so, my -lady. I'd no idea your ladyship would have any taste that way; most -agreeable surprise to me, I can assure you! - -_Lady Cant._ I see no reason for _surprise_ in the matter. I have always -endeavoured to cultivate my taste in all directions; to keep in touch -with every modern development. I make it a rule to read and see -_everything_. Of course, I have no time to give more than a rapid glance -at most things; but I hope some day to be able to have another look at -your _Andromeda_. I hear the most glowing accounts from all the judges. - -_Spurr._ (_to himself_). She knows all the judges! She _must_ be in the -fancy! (_Aloud._) Any time your ladyship likes to name I shall be proud -and happy to bring her round for your inspection. - -_Lady Cant._ (_with condescension_). If you are kind enough to offer me -a copy of _Andromeda_, I shall be _most_ pleased to possess one. - -_Spurr._ (_to himself_). Sharp old customer, this; trying to rush me for -a pup. _I_ never offered her one! (_Aloud._) Well, as to _that_, my -lady, I've promised so many already, that really I don't--but -there--I'll see what I can _do_ for you. I'll make a note of it; you -mustn't mind having to _wait_ a bit. - -_Lady Cant._ (_raising her eyebrows_). I will make an effort to support -existence in the meantime. - -_Lady Maisie_ (_to herself_). I couldn't have believed that the man who -could write such lovely verses should be so--well, not _exactly_ a -gentleman! How _petty_ of me to have such thoughts. Perhaps geniuses -never _are_. And as if it _mattered_! And I'm sure he's very natural and -simple, and I shall like him when I know him. - - [_The train slackens._ - -_Lady Cant._ What station is this? Oh, it _is_ Shuntingbridge. (_To_ -SPURRELL, _as they get out._) Now, if you'll kindly take charge of these -bags, and go and see whether there's anything from Wyvern to meet -us--you will find us here when you come back. - -SCENE VII.--_On the Platform at Shuntingbridge._ - -_Lady Cant._ Ah, _there_ you are, PHILLIPSON! Yes, you can take the -jewel-case; and now you had better go and see after the trunks. -(PHILLIPSON _hurries back to the luggage-van_; SPURRELL _returns._) -Well, Mr.--I always forget names, so shall call you "ANDROMEDA"--have -you found----The omnibus, is it? Very well, take us to it, and we'll get -in. - - [_They go outside._ - -_Undershell_ (_at another part of the platform--to himself_). Where has -Miss MULL disappeared to? Oh, there she is, pointing out her luggage. -What a quantity she travels with! Can't be such a _very_ poor relation. -How graceful and collected she is, and how she orders the porters about! -I really believe I shall enjoy this visit. (_To a porter._) That's -mine--the brown one with a white star. I want it to go to Wyvern -Court--Sir RUPERT CULVERIN'S. - -_Porter_ (_shouldering it_). Right, Sir. Follow me, if you please. - - [_He disappears with it._ - -_Und._ (_to himself_). I mustn't leave Miss MULL alone. (_Advancing to -her._) Can I be of any assistance? - -_Phillipson._ It's all done now. But you might try and find out how -we're to get to the Court. - - [UNDERSHELL _departs; is requested to produce his ticket, and - spends several minutes in searching every pocket but the right - one._ - -[Illustration: "Searching every pocket but the right one."] - -SCENE VIII.--_The Station Yard at Shuntingbridge._ - -_Lady Cant._ (_from the interior of the Wyvern omnibus, testily, to_ -Footman). What are we waiting for _now_? Is my maid coming with us--or -how? - -_Footman._ There's a fly ordered to take her, my lady. - -_Lady Cant._ (_to_ SPURRELL, _who is standing below_). Then it's _you_ -who are keeping us! - -_Spurr._ If your ladyship will excuse me, I'll just go and see if -they've put out my bag. - -_Lady Cant._ (_impatiently_). Never mind about your bag. (_To_ Footman.) -What have you done with this gentleman's luggage? - -_Footman._ Everything for the Court is on top now, my lady. - - [_He opens the door for_ SPURRELL. - -_Lady Cant._ (_to_ SPURRELL, _who is still irresolute_). For goodness' -sake don't hop about on that step! Come in, and let us start. - -_Lady Maisie._ _Please_ get in--there's _plenty_ of room! - -_Spurr._ (_to himself_). They _are_ chummy, and no mistake! (_Aloud, as -he gets in._) I do hope it won't be considered any intrusion--my coming -up along with your ladyships, I mean! - -_Lady Cant._ (_snappishly_). Intrusion! I never heard such nonsense! Did -you expect to be asked to _run behind_? You really mustn't be so -ridiculously modest. As if your _Andromeda_ hadn't procured you the -_entrée_ everywhere! - - [_The omnibus starts._ - -_Spurr._ (_to himself_). Good old Drummy! No idea I was such a swell. -I'll keep my tail up. Shyness ain't one of _my_ failings. (_Aloud to an -indistinct mass at the further end of the omnibus, which is unlighted._) -Er--hum--pitch dark night, my lady, don't get much idea of the country! -(_The mass makes no response._) I was saying, my lady, it's too dark -to----(_The mass snores peacefully._) Her ladyship seems to be taking a -snooze on the quiet, my lady. (_To_ Lady MAISIE.) (_To himself._) Not -that _that_'s the word for it! - -_Lady Maisie_ (_distantly_). My Mother gets tired rather easily. (_To -herself._) It's really too dreadful; he makes me hot all over! If he's -going to do this kind of thing at Wyvern! And I'm more or less -_responsible_ for him, too! I _must_ see if I can't----It will be only -kind. (_Aloud, nervously._) Mr.--Mr. BLAIR! - -_Spurr._ Excuse me, my lady, not _BLAIR_--SPURRELL. - -_Lady Maisie._ Of course, _how_ stupid of me. I knew it wasn't _really_ -your name. Mr. _SPURRELL_, then, you--you won't mind if I give you just -one little hint, _will_ you? - -_Spurr._ I shall take it kindly of your ladyship, whatever it is. - -_Lady Maisie_ (_more nervously still_). It's really such a trifle, -but--but, in speaking to Mamma or me, it isn't at all necessary to say -'my lady' or 'your ladyship.' I--I mean, it sounds rather, -well--_formal_, don't you know! - -_Spurr._ (_to himself_). She's going to be chummy now! (_Aloud._) I -thought, on a first acquaintance, it was only manners. - -_Lady Maisie._ Oh--manners? yes, I--I daresay--but still--but -still--_not_ at Wyvern, don't you know. If you like, you can call Mamma -'Lady CANTIRE,' and me 'Lady MAISIE,' and, of course, my Aunt will be -'Lady CULVERIN,' but--but if there are other people staying in the -house, you needn't call them _anything_, do you see? - -_Spurr._ (_to himself_). I'm not likely to have the chance! (_Aloud._) -Well, if you're sure they won't _mind_ it, because I'm not used to this -sort of thing, so I put myself in your hands,--for, of course, _you_ -know what brought me down here? - -_Lady Maisie_ (_to herself_). He means my foolish letter! Oh, I must put -a stop to _that_ at once! (_In a hurried undertone._) Yes--yes; I--I -think I do. I mean, I _do_ know--but--but _please_ forget it--_indeed_ -you must! - -_Spurr._ (_to himself_). Forget I've come down as a vet? The CULVERINS -will take care I don't forget that! (_Aloud._) But, I say, it's all very -well; but how _can_ I? Why, look here; I was told I was to come down -here on purpose to----. - -_Lady Maisie_ (_on thorns_). I know--you needn't tell me! And _don't_ -speak so loud! _Mamma_ might hear! - -_Spurr._ (_puzzled_). What if she did? Why, I thought her la--your -Mother _knew_! - -_Lady Maisie_ (_to herself_). He actually thinks I should tell Mamma! -Oh, how _dense_ he is! (_Aloud._) Yes--yes--of _course_ she -knows--but--but you might _wake_ her! And--and please don't allude to it -again--to me or--or anyone. (_To herself._) That I should have to beg -him to be silent like this! But what can I _do_? Goodness only knows -_what_ he mightn't say, if I don't warn him! - -_Spurr._ (_nettled_). I don't mind _who_ knows. _I'm_ not ashamed of it, -Lady MAISIE--whatever you may be! - -_Lady Maisie_ (_to herself, exasperated_). He dares to imply that _I_'ve -done something to be ashamed of! (_Aloud; haughtily._) I'm _not_ -ashamed--why _should_ I be? Only--oh, can't you _really_ understand -that--that one may do things which one wouldn't care to be reminded of -publicly? I don't _wish_ it--isn't _that_ enough? - -_Spurr._ (_to himself_). I see what she's at now--doesn't want it to -come out that she's travelled down here with a vet! (_Aloud, stiffly._) -A lady's wish is enough for _me_ at anytime. If you're sorry for having -gone out of your way to be friendly, why, I'm not the person to take -advantage of it. I hope I know how to behave. - - [_He takes refuge in offended silence._ - -_Lady Maisie_ (_to herself_). Why did I say anything at all! I've only -made things worse--I've let him see that he _has_ an advantage. And he's -certain to use it sooner or later--unless I am civil to him. I've -offended him now--and I shall _have_ to make it up with him! - -_Spurr._ (_to himself_). I thought all along she didn't seem as chummy -as her mother--but to turn round on me like this! - -_Lady Cant._ (_waking up_). Well, Mr. ANDROMEDA, I should have thought -you and my daughter might have found _some_ subject in common; but I -haven't heard a word from either of you since we left the station. - -_Lady Maisie_ (_to herself_). That's _some_ comfort! (_Aloud._) You must -have had a nap, Mamma. We--we _have_ been talking. - -_Spurr._ Oh yes, we _have_ been talking, I can assure you--er--Lady -CANTIRE! - -_Lady Cant._ Dear me. Well, MAISIE, I hope the conversation was -entertaining? - -_Lady Maisie._ M-most entertaining, Mamma! - -_Lady Cant._ I'm quite sorry I missed it. (_The omnibus stops._) Wyvern -at last! But _what_ a journey it's been, to be sure! - -_Spurr._ (_to himself_). I should just think it had. I've never been so -taken up and put down in all my life! But it's over now; and, thank -goodness, I'm not likely to see any more of 'em! - - [_He gets out with alacrity._ - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: "THE LITTLE MORE AND HOW MUCH IT IS." - -_She_ (_engaged to another_). "WE DON'T SEEM TO BE GETTING ON VERY WELL; -SOMETHING SEEMS TO BE WEIGHING US DOWN!" - -_He_ (_gloomily_). "IT'S THAT DIAMOND AND SAPPHIRE RING ON YOUR LEFT -HAND. WE SHOULD BE ALL RIGHT IF IT WEREN'T FOR THAT!"] - - * * * * * - -MRS. R. has often had a cup of tea in a storm, but she cannot for the -life of her see how there can possibly be a storm in a tea-cup. - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: INFELICITOUS =MIS=QUOTATIONS. - -_Hostess._ "YOU'VE EATEN HARDLY ANYTHING, MR. SIMPKINS!" - -_Mr. S._ "MY DEAR LADY, I'VE DINED '_WISELY, BUT NOT TOO WELL_!'"] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: THE COREAN COCK-FIGHT. - -BRUIN. "HA!--WHICHEVER WINS, I SEE MY WAY TO A DINNER!"] - - * * * * * - - THE COREAN COCK-FIGHT. - - ["Russia's love of peace is outweighed by her duty to safeguard - her vital interests, which would seriously suffer were Japan or - China to modify the present state of things in - Corea."--_Official Russian view of the Corean situation, given - by "Daily Telegraph" Correspondent at St. Petersburg._] - - BRUIN, _loquitur_. - - "Duty to safeguard my interests?" Quite so! - Nice way of putting it, yes, and so _moral_! - Yet I love Peace! Pity game-cocks will fight so! - Disfigures their plumes and their combs' healthy "coral." - Big Cochin-China and Bantam of Jap - Feel at each other they _must_ have a slap. - _Cock-a-doodle-do-o-o-o!!!_ - Humph! I must keep a sharp eye on the two! - - Peace, now! She _is_ such a loveable darling! - Goddess I worship in rapt contemplation. - Spurring and crowing, and snapping and snarling, - Wholly unworthy a bird--or a nation! - Still there is Duty! I have an idea - Mine lies in watching this fight in Corea. - _Cock-a-doodle-do-o-o-o!!!_ - BULL yonder looks in a bit of a stew! - - Some say my destiny pointeth due North, - Ice-caves are all very well--for a winter-rest. - But BRUIN'S fond of adventuring forth; - In the "Far East" he feels quite a warm interest; - BULL doesn't like it at all. But then BULL - Fancies that no one should feed when _he_'s full! - _Cock-a-doodle-do-o-o-o!!!_ - I am still hungry, and love chicken-stew! - - To make the Corea a cock-pit, young Jappy, - May suit you, or even that huge Cochin-China; - But--fighting you know always makes _me_ unhappy. - I feel, like poor _Villikins_ robbed of his _Dinah_, - As if I could swallow a cup of "cold pison."-- - But--still--these antagonists I _must_ keep eyes on. - _Cock-a-doodle-do-o-o-o!!!_ - Cockfighting _is_ cruel,--but stirring fun, too! - - _Duty_, dear boys! Ah! there's nothing like Duty. - Gives one "repose"--like that Blacksmith of LONGFELLOW! - Go it, young Jap! That last drive was a beauty. - But--your opponent's an awfully strong fellow. - Little bit slow at first, sluggish and lumbering, - But when he makes a fair start there's no slumbering. - _Cock-a-doodle-do-o-o-o!!!_ - Sakes! How his new steel spurs shone as he flew! - - Now, should I stop it, or should I take sides? - BULL and the other onlookers seem fidgety! - Cochin strikes hard, but indulges in "wides"; - Game-cock _is_ game--though a little mite midgety. - Well, whate'er the end be, and whichever win, - I _think_ the game's mine, when I choose to cut in. - _Cock-a-doodle-do-o-o-o!!!_ - I'm safe for a dinner--off _one_ of the two! - - [_Left considering and chortling._ - - * * * * * - - THE WAR CRY. - - (_Dedicated (without permission) to the Pioneer - Club_) - - Rouse ye, ye women, and flock to your banners! - War is declared on the enemy, Man! - If we can't teach him to better his manners, - We'll copy the creature as close as we can! - No longer the heel of the tyrant shall grind us. - Rouse ye and rally! The despot defy! - And the false craven shall tremble to find us - Resolved to a woman to do or to die. - - _Chorus._ - - Then hey! for the latchkey, sweet liberty's symbol! - Greet it, ye girls, with your lustiest cheer! - Away with the scissors! Away with the thimble! - And hey nonny no for the gay Pioneer! - - Why should we writhe on a clumsy side-saddle - Designed on a most diabolical plan? - Women! submit ye no longer! Ride straddle, - And jump on the corns of your enemy, Man! - Storm the iniquitous haunts of his pleasure, - Leave him to nurse the dear babes when they fret, - Dine at St. James' in luxurious leisure, - And woo the delights of the sweet cigarette! - - Look to your latchkeys! The whole situation - Upon the possession of these will depend. - Use them, ye women, without hesitation, - And dine when ye will with a gentleman friend. - Man's a concoction of sin and of knavery-- - Women of India, China, Japan! - Rouse ye, and end this inglorious slavery! - Down with the tyrant! Down, down with the Man! - - * * * * * - - THE BANK HOLIDAY - DREAM BOOK. - - (_Compiled by our Pet Pessimist._) - -If you imagine that it will be fine, and consequently that you can don -the lightest of attire, you may be sure that it will be cold and wet, -and absolutely unsuitable to travelling. - -If you fancy that you will enjoy a delightful visit to some intimate -friends, you will find that you have had your journey to a spot "ten -miles from anywhere" for nothing, as your intended hosts have gone -abroad for the season. - -If you believe that you are seeing a favourite piece being played -admirably at a West End theatre, you will discover that the programme -was altered four days ago, and that the temple of the drama will not -reopen until the autumn. - -If you arrange to go abroad with a friend, you will quarrel with your -acquaintance on the following morning, and disarrange your plans for a -lifetime. - -Lastly, if you dream that you have decided to give up gadding about on a -bank holiday to remain at home, you will see that it is better to follow -your fancy, and avoid the risk of making a mistake by adventuring to -strange places and pastures new. - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE EXPRESSED DIFFERENTLY. - -"WELL, GOOD-BYE FOR THE PRESENT, DEAREST! I HOPE YOU'LL BE QUITE WELL -AND STRONG WHEN I CAN NEXT COME AND SEE YOU." - -"OH, I HOPE I SHALL BE WELL AND STRONG ENOUGH TO BE AWAY BEFORE THAT!"] - - * * * * * - - IN SHEER DELIGHT. - - (_A Surrey Rondel._) - - In sheer delight I sing the country's praise. - The town no longer takes me day or night. - 'Mid scented roses one should loll and laze - In sheer delight. - - The corn fields unto harvest glisten white, - In pastures lowing kine contented graze. - _Per_ train (South-Eastern) now to wing his flight - No lover of the Surrey side delays. - My own case you suggest? Of course you're right. - Which p'r'aps explains why I to spend my days - In Shere delight! - - * * * * * - -"SORTES AQUATICÆ"; OR, MAXIM FOR THE MAIDENHEAD REGATTA.--After a -rattling race with KILBY of Staines (who was worn to a standstill), and -COHEN of Maidenhead (who pitched overboard), VERITY of Weybridge easily -retained the Upper Thames Single Punting Championship. Why, cert'n'ly! -What says the old Latin saw? _Magna est Veritas, et prævalebit!_ Which -(obviously) means:--Great is VERITY, and he shall prevail! - - * * * * * - - LORD ORMONT'S MATE AND MATEY'S AMINTA. - - BY G***GE M*R*D*TH. - - VOLUME II. - -The die was now a-casting. Hurtled though devious windings far from -ordered realms where the Syntax Queen holds sway, spinning this way and -that like the whipped box-wood beloved of youth but deadly to the -gout-ridden toes of the home-faring Alderman, now sinking to a fall, now -impetuously whirled on a devil-dance, clamorous as Cocytus, the lost -souls filling it to the brink, at last the meaning glimmered to the -eye--not that wherein dead time hung just above the underlids, but the -common reading eye a-thirst for meanings, baffled again and again and -drooping a soporific lid slowly, nose a-snore, and indolent mind lapped -in slumber. They discussed it. - -"Am I a Literary Causerie?" breathed AMINTA. - -"No, but food for such." - -"And if I am?" she said. - -"Turgidity masquerading as depth. Was ever cavalry general so tortured -into symbolism?" - -"I remain," she insisted. - -"I go to Paris," was his retort. - -"My aunt stays with me." - -"Thank Heaven!" he muttered. - -The design was manifest. Who should mistake it? For a fencer plays you -the acrobat, a measure he, poised on a plum-box with jargon-mouth agape -for what shall come to it. Is the man unconscious? The worse his fate. -For the fact is this. All are Meredithians in dialogue, tarred with one -brush abysmally plunged in the hot and steaming tank, a general tarred, -a tarred tutor, a tarred sister, aunt reeking of the tar and General's -Doubtful Lady chin-deep in the compound, and no distinction. - -Clatter, crash, bang. Helter-skelter comes dashing Lady CHARLOTTE, a -forest at her heels dragged in chains for all a neighbour may pout and -fret and ride to hounds. She switched him a brat-face patter-down of an -apology tamed to the net-ponds of a busk-madder, blue nose vermilion, -mannish to the outside, breathing flames and scattering apish hop-poles -like a parachute blown into space by the bellows of a hugger-mugger -conformity. "I can mew," she said. "Old women can; it's a way they have. -The person you call ... but no--I pass it. Was ever such folly in a man? -And that man my brother ROWSLEY. But you have seen her you say--a -Spaniard--_Ay de mi; Señorita_, and the rest of the gibberish. What is -her colour?" - -The question flicked him like a hansom's whip, that plucks you out an -optic, policeman in helmet looking on, stolid on the mumchance. Out it -goes at whip-end and no remedy, blue, green, brown or bloodshot. Glass -can imitate or porcelain, and a pretty trade's a-doing in these, making -a man like two light-houses, one fixed as fate, the other revolving like -the earth on its axis. - -"BROWN," he answered, humbly. - -"MORSFIELD's after her," said Lady CHARLOTTE. - -"Let him." - -"But he's dangerous." - -"I can trounce such. Did it at school, and can remember the trick." - -A lady came moving onward. She had that in her gait which showed -command, her bonnet puckered to the front, a fat aunt trailing behind. -They came steadily. It was AMINTA with her aunt. - -Lord ORMONT, his temper ablaze like his manuscript, thirty-four pages, -neither more nor less, fortifications planned, advice given gratis to -the loutish neglecting nation, stepped forward. - -"You must remove her," he declared to WEYBURN. - -"But the aunt?" questioned MATEY. - -"She must go too. See to it quickly!" He fell back, the irrevocable -quivering in his eyeball, destiny mocking with careless glee, while -MORSFIELD and a bully-captain saw their chances and just missed the -taking. - -Away they clattered, MATEY and AMINTA, leaving the PAGNELL to her -passion-breathing MORSFIELD. - -END OF VOL. II. - - * * * * * - - THE END OF THE OPERA SEASON. - - _Solo and Chorus._ - - The Opera time began in May, - And ended but last Satur_day_. - We hope it has been made to pay - _Chorus._ AUGUSTUS DRURIOLANUS! - _Solo._ Not in the days of MARIO - Was there an _Impresario_, - Arranger of _scenario_, - Who knew so "where he are!" he o- - peratical campaign can plan - With sure success! no better man - For operatic venture than - _Chorus (in unison)._ AUGUSTUS DRURIOLANUS! - - _All._ - - The Opera time, &c. (_as above_). - - * * * * * - -MAXIM FOR CYCLISTS.--"_Try_-cycle before you _Buy_-cycle." - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: THE PARLIAMENTARY SWIMMING BATH. - -(_A Seasonable Suggestion._) - -"It is proposed to establish Baths at the Houses of Parliament for the -use of Members."--_Daily Press._] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: REAL ENJOYMENT. - -_Non-Golfer (middle-aged, rather stout, who would like to play, and has -been recommended it as healthy and amusing)._ "WELL, I CANNOT SEE WHERE -THE EXCITEMENT COMES IN IN THIS GAME!" - -_Caddie._ "EH, MON, THERE'S MORE SWEARING USED OVER GOLF THAN ANY OTHER -GAME! D'YE NO CA' THAT EXCITEMENT?"] - - * * * * * - - ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. - - EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. - -_House of Commons, Monday, July 23._--Quite like old times to hear TIM -HEALY saying a few plain things about landlords; PRINCE ARTHUR replying; -TIM growling out occasional contradiction; whilst O'BRIEN hotly -interrupts. To make the reminiscence complete JOSEPH contributes a -speech in which he heaps contumely and scorn on representatives of Irish -nationality. TIM reminds him how different was his attitude, how varied -his voice, at epoch of Kilmainham Treaty. - -TIM has a rough but effective way of fastening upon a name or phrase, -and even blatantly reiterating it. Thus, when OLD MORALITY, in his -kindly manner, once alluded to a visit paid to him at a critical time by -his "old friend Mr. WALTER," TIM leaped down upon it, and, -characteristically leaving out the customary appellation, filled the air -with scornful reference to "my old friend WALTER." To-night, desiring to -bring into sharp contrast JOSEPH'S present attitude towards Ireland and -the landlord party with that assumed by him twelve years ago, he -insisted upon calling the Arrears Bill of 1882 "the Chamberlain Act." It -wasn't JOSEPH'S personal possession or invention any more than it was -the SQUIRE OF MALWOOD'S. But that way of putting it doubly suited TIM'S -purpose. It permitted him, without breach of order, to allude by name to -the member for West Birmingham; there's a good deal in a name when the -syllables are hissed forth with infinite hate and scorn. Also it -accentuated the changed position _vis-à-vis_ Ireland to which further -reflection and honest conviction have brought the prime mover in the -Kilmainham Treaty. - -Irish Members, forgetting their own quarrels with TIM as he fustigated -the common enemy, roared with delight. A broad smile lighted up the -serried ranks of the Liberals. PRINCE ARTHUR wore a decorous look of -sympathy with his wronged right hon. friend. The Duke of -DEVONSHIRE,--"late the Leader of the Liberal Party,"--from the Peers' -Gallery surveyed the scene with stolid countenance. JOSEPH, -orchid-decked, sat in his corner seat below the gangway, staring -straight before him as one who saw not neither did he hear. - -_Business done._--TIM HEALY goes on the rampage. Evicted Tenants Bill -read second time. - -_Tuesday._--As has been noted on an earlier occasion, Britannia has no -bulwarks, no towers along her steep. It is, consequently, the more -comforting to know that ELLIS ASHMEAD-BARTLETT (Knight) keeps his eye on -things abroad as they affect the interests of British citizens. The -Member for SARK tells me he has a faded copy of the _Skibbereen Eagle_ -containing its famous note of warning to NAPOLEON THE THIRD. Was -published at time of the irruption of Colonels. These gentlemen, sitting -on boulevards sipping absinthe, used to twirl their moustache -and--_sacrrée!_--growl hints of what they would do when they as -conquerors walked down Piccadillee, and rioted in the riches of Leestar -Square. - -NAPOLEON THE THIRD did not escape suspicion of fanning this flame. -Howbeit the _Skibbereen Eagle_ came out one Saturday morning with a -leading article commencing: "We have our eye on NAPOLEON THE THIRD, -Emperor of the French." - -Thus ELLIS ASHMEAD-BARTLETT (Knight) digs eagle claws into the aerie -heights of the Clock Tower, and watches over the interests and cares of -an Empire on which the sun rarely sets. - -"All the kinder of him," SARK says, "since they cannot be said directly -to concern him. In an effort to redress the balance between the Old -World and the New, United States has lent us ASHMEAD. The temporary -character of the arrangement makes only the more generous his concern -for the interests of the Empire in which he lodges." - -In the peculiar circumstances of the case those able young men, EDWARD -GREY and SYDNEY BUXTON, might be a little less openly contemptuous in -their treatment of the Patriotic Emigrant. Hard to say at which office -door, Foreign or Colonial, ASHMEAD bangs his head with more distressful -result. He takes them in succession, with dogged courage that would in -anyone else excite admiration. Of the two janitors, perhaps EDWARD -GREY'S touch is the lightest. He replies with a solemn gravity that -puzzles ASHMEAD, and keeps him brooding till SPEAKER stays the merry -laughter of the House by calling on the next question. BUXTON is more -openly contemptuous, more severely sarcastic, and sometimes, when -ASHMEAD'S prattling, of no consequence in the House, might possibly have -serious effect when cabled to the Transvaal where they think all Members -of Parliament are responsible men, he smartly raps out. Between the two -the Patriot--made in Brooklyn, plated in Sheffield--has a bad time of -it. Has long learned how much sharper than a serpent's tooth is the -tongue of an Under Secretary of State. - -_Business done._--Second Reading of Equalisation of London Rates Bill -moved. - -_Thursday._--Lords took Budget Bill in hand to-night. MARKISS asked for -week's interval. This looked like fighting. At least there would be a -reconnaissance in force led by the MARKISS. House full; peerless -Peeresses looked down from side gallery; MARKISS in his place; -DEVONSHIRE in his--not Chatsworth; that going to be shut up; but corner -seat below gangway; ROSEBERY hovering about, settled down at length in -seat of Leader. Clerk read Orders of the Day. "Finance Bill second -reading." "I move the Bill be read a second time," said ROSEBERY, -politely taking his hat off to lady in gallery immediately opposite. -Then he sat down. - -Here was a pretty go! Expected PREMIER would make brilliant speech in -support of Bill; the MARKISS would reply; fireworks would fizz all -round, and, though perhaps Budget Bill might be saved, SQUIRE OF MALWOOD -would be pummelled. ROSEBERY takes oddest, most unparliamentary view of -his duty. The Lords, he said, when last week subject was mooted, have -nothing to do with Budget Bill, unless indeed they are prepared to throw -it out. "Will you do that?" he asked. "No," said MARKISS, looking as if -he would much rather say "Yes." "Very well then," said ROSEBERY, "all -speeches on the subject must be barren." - -This to the Barons seemed lamentably personal. - -ROSEBERY illustrated his point by declining for his own part to make a -speech. Still there was talk; barren speeches for three hours; audience -gradually dwindling: only a few left to witness spectacle of HALSBURY'S -blue blood boiling over with indignation at sacrilegious assault on -landed aristocracy. - -"If you want to make your flesh creep," says SARK, "you should hear -HALSBURY, raising to full height his majestic figure, throwing the -shadow of his proudly aquiline profile fiercely on the steps of the -Throne where some minions of the Government cowered, exclaim, 'My Lords, -I detect in this Bill a hostile spirit towards the landed aristocracy.'" - -"A HALSBURY! a HALSBURY!" menacingly muttered FEVERSHAM and some other -fiery crusaders. - -For the moment, so deeply was the assembly stirred, a conflict between -the two Houses seemed imminent. But Black Rod coming to take away the -Mace the tumult subsided, and Lord HALSBURY went home in a four-wheeler. - -_Business done._--Budget read second time in Lords. - -_Friday._--Scene in Commons quite changed; properties remain but leading -characters altered. After unprecedented run, Budget Bill withdrawn; -Irish Evicted Tenants Bill now underlined on bills. JOHN MORLEY succeeds -the SQUIRE; Irish Members take up the buzzing of the no longer Busy B's. - -As for the SQUIRE, he takes well-earned, though only comparative rest; -preparing for congratulatory feast spread for him next Wednesday. Like -good boy whose work is done is now going to have his dinner. Also RIGBY -and BOB REID, who bore with him the heat and burden of the day. It's a -sort of Parliamentary Millennium. The CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER sits -down with the ATTORNEY-GENERAL; the SOLICITOR-GENERAL puts his hand on -the cockatrice's den (situate in the neighbourhood of TOMMY BOWLES); and -FRANK LOCKWOOD has drawn them. - -[Illustration: Three Good Boys, who, having done their Work, get their -Dinner.] - -_Business done._--In Committee on Evicted Tenants Bill. - - * * * * * - -Mrs. R. observes in a newspaper that a man was summoned for "illegal -distress." She is much puzzled at this, as she thought England was a -free country, where people might be as unhappy as they liked! - - * * * * * - - OUR CHARITY FÊTE. - -[Illustration: Private Box. W]ell, my dear _Mr. Punch_, you, who hear -everything, will be glad to receive from me the particulars of our -Annual Farewell Charity Fête, given this year at the Grafton Gallery for -the excellent object of providing the undeserving with pink carnations. -It was a bazaar, a concert, and a fancy-dress ball, all in one; everyone -who is anyone was there, and as they were all in costume, nobody could -tell who was who. It was indeed a very brilliant scene. - -I refused to hold a stall, for I had enough to do writing out autographs -of celebrities (they sell splendidly), but it was hard work, and there -was an absurd fuss just because I made the trifling mistake of signing -"Yours truly, GEORGE MEREDITH" across a photograph of ARTHUR ROBERTS. -What did it matter? I really cannot see that it made the slightest -difference; the person had asked for an autograph of MEREDITH and he got -it, _and_ a portrait of ROBERTS into the bargain! so he ought to have -been satisfied; but some people are strangely exacting! There was a -great run on the autograph of SARAH BERNHARDT and I grew quite tired of -signing YVETTE, ROSEBERY, and CISSIE LOFTUS, however, it was all for the -charity. I went as a Perfect Gentleman, and it was quite a good -disguise--hardly anyone knew me! I saw SIR BRUCE SKENE dressed as a -Temperance Lecturer; GRINGOIRE was there as the _Enemy of the People_ -with a bunch of violets in his button-hole; the NEW BOY went as -_Becket_, and CHARLEY'S AUNT as the _Yellow Aster_. THE GENTLEMAN OF -FRANCE looked well as _The Prisoner of Zenda_. I recognised our old -friend DORIAN GRAY in a gorgeous costume of purple and pearls, with a -crown on his head of crimson roses. He said he had come as a Prose Poem, -and he was selling Prose Poem-granates for the good of the charity. - -Here are some scraps of conversation I overheard in the crowd:-- - -_Enemy of the People_ (_to_ Sir BRUCE SKENE). Been having a good time -lately? - -_Sir Bruce._ Rather! Tremendous! I've been doing nothing but backing -winners, and, what's more--(_chuckling_)--I've at last got that -astronomer fellow to take my wife and child off my hands. Isn't that -jolly? - -_Enemy of the People._ Ah, really? She is coming to us in the autumn, -you know. - -_Vivien, the Modern Eve_ (_to the_ New Boy). I cannot stay here any -longer. They never dust the drawing-room, the geraniums are planted all -wrong, and I do not like the anti-macassars. Will you come with me? - -_New Boy._ What a lark it would be! But I'm afraid I must stay and look -after my white mice. You see, BULLOCK MAJOR---- - -_Lady Belton_ (_after her marriage_, _to_ Charley's Aunt, _tearfully_). -He doesn't understand me, Aunty. - -_Charley's Aunt._ Never mind, my dear. Don't cry! You shall come with me -to Brazil; you've heard me mention, perhaps, it's the place where the -nuts come from; and we'll get up an amateur performance of the -_Pantomime Rehearsal_! - -We had all sorts of amusements. Under a palm, a palmist was prophesying -long journeys, second marriages, and affairs of the heart to the white -hand of giggling incredulity. Beautiful musicians, in blue uniforms, -with gold Hungarian bands round their waists, were discoursing the -sweetest strain that ever encouraged the conversation of the unmusical. -A feature of the bazaar, that I invented, was a mechanical Sphinx behind -a curtain. They asked it questions--chiefly, what would win the -Leger--and put a penny in the slot. There never was any answer, and that -was the great joke! - -The whole thing was undoubtedly a wonderful success--and I knew it would -be. I believed in my _Fête_, having always been rather a fatalist. - -And, in the rush of a worldly, frivolous existence, how great a pleasure -it is to think we should have aided--if ever so little--in brightening -the lives of the poor young fellows, kept, perhaps, all the season -through, in or near the hot pavement of Piccadilly, and with not so much -as a buttercup to remind them of the green fields, the golden sunlight, -the blue sky of the glorious country. To have helped in so noble a cause -as ours is a privilege that made us leave the bazaar with tears of -sympathy in our eyes, feeling better and purer men and women. Long, long -may the button-hole of improvidence be filled by the wired carnation of -judicious charity. - - Believe me, dear _Mr. Punch_, - Yours very truly, "JEMIMA THE PENWOMAN." - -P.S.--An absurd name they gave me on account of the autograph incident. -You remember what "JIM THE PENMAN" was? Of course, but there's no chance -of my becoming the PEN-"WIPER" in the bosom of a family. _Au revoir!_ - - - - -Transcriber Notes: - -Passages in italics were indicated by _underscores_. - -Passages in bold were indicated by =equal signs=. - -Small caps were replaced with ALL CAPS. - -Throughout the document, the oe ligature was replaced with "oe". - -Throughout the dialogues, there were words used to mimic accents of -the speakers. Those words were retained as-is. - -The illustrations have been moved so that they do not break up -paragraphs and so that they are next to the text they illustrate. - -Errors in punctuations and inconsistent hyphenation were not corrected -unless otherwise noted. - - - - - - -End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. -107. August 4, 1894., by Various - -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON *** - -***** This file should be named 40352-8.txt or 40352-8.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: - http://www.gutenberg.org/4/0/3/5/40352/ - -Produced by Punch, or the London Charivari, Malcolm Farmer, -Ernest Schaal, and the Online Distributed Proofreading -Team at http://www.pgdp.net - - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions -will be renamed. - -Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no -one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation -(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without -permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, -set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to -copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to -protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. 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