diff options
Diffstat (limited to '40352-0.txt')
| -rw-r--r-- | 40352-0.txt | 1202 |
1 files changed, 1202 insertions, 0 deletions
diff --git a/40352-0.txt b/40352-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..2f84c5e --- /dev/null +++ b/40352-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1202 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 40352 *** + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. +VOL. 107. +AUGUST 4, 1894. + + * * * * * + + SPORT FOR RATEPAYERS. + +_August 1st._--Deer-shooting in Victoria Park commences. + +_2nd._--Distribution of venison to "Progressive" County Councillors and +their families--especially to Aldermen. + +_3rd._--Stalking American bison in the Marylebone disused grave-yard is +permitted from this day. A staff of competent surgeons will be outside +the palings. + +_4th._--Chamois-coursing in Brockwell Park. + +_5th._--A few rogue elephants having been imported (at considerable +expense to the rates), and located in the Regent's Park, the Chairman of +the L. C. C., assisted by the Park-keepers, will give an exhibition of +the method employed in snaring them. The elephants in the Zoological +Gardens will be expected to assist. + +_6th._--_Bank Holiday._--Popular festival on Hampstead Heath. Two herds +of red deer will be turned on to the Heath at different points, and +three or four specially procured man-eating Bengal tigers will be let +loose at the Flag-staff to pursue them. Visitors may hunt the deer or +the tigers, whichever they prefer. Express rifles recommended, also the +use of bullet-proof coats. No dynamite to be employed against the +tigers. Ambulances in the Vale of Health. The Council's Band, up some of +the tallest trees, will perform musical selections. + +_7th._--Races at Wormwood Scrubbs between the Council's own ostriches +and leading cyclists. A force of the A1 Division of the Metropolitan +Police, mounted on some of the reindeer from the enclosure at Spring +Gardens, will be stationed round the ground to prevent the ostriches +escaping into the adjoining country. + +_8th._--Sale of ostrich feathers (dropped in the contests) to West-End +bonnet-makers at Union prices. + +_9th._--Grand review of all the Council's animals on Clapham Common. +Procession through streets (also at Union rate). Banquet on municipal +venison, tiger chops, elephant steaks, and ostrich wings at Spring +Gardens. Progressive fireworks. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: GENEROSITY. + +_Andrew (preparing to divide the orange)._ "WILL YOU CHOOSE THE BIG +HALF, GEORGIE, OR THE WEE HALF?" + +_George._ "'COURSE I'LL CHOOSE THE BIG HALF." + +_Andrew (with resignation)._ "THEN I'LL JUST HAVE TO MAKE 'EM EVEN."] + + * * * * * + +RATHER A CHANGE--FOR THE BETTER.--They (the dockers) wouldn't listen to +BEN TILLETT. They cried out to him, "We keep you and starve ourselves." +Hullo! the revolt of the sheep! are they beginning to think that their +leaders and instigators are after all _not_ their best friends? "O +TILLETT not in Gath!" And Little BEN may say to himself, "I'll wait +TILL-ETT's over." + + * * * * * + + LINES IN PLEASANT PLACES. + + V.--SCHOOL. "A DISTANT VIEW." + + "Distance lends enchantment"--kindly Distance! + Wiping out all troubles and disgraces, + How we seem to cast, with your assistance, + All our boyish lines in pleasant places! + + Greek and Latin, struggles mathematic, + These were worries leaving slender traces; + Now we tell the boys (we wax emphatic) + How our lines fell all in pleasant places. + + How we used to draw (immortal _Wackford_!) + EUCLID's figures, more resembling faces, + Surreptitiously upon the black-board, + Crude yet telling lines in pleasant places. + + Pleasant places! That was no misnomer. + Impositions?--little heed scape-graces; + Writing out a book or so of HOMER, + Even those were lines in pleasant places! + + How we scampered o'er the country, leading + Apoplectic farmers pretty chases, + Over crops, through fences all unheeding, + Stiff cross-country lines in pleasant places. + + Yes, and how--too soon youth's early day flies-- + In the purling brook which seaward races + _How_ we used to poach with luscious May-flies, + Casting furtive lines in pleasant places. + + Then the lickings! How we took them, scorning + Girlish outcry, though we made grimaces; + Only smiled to find ourselves next morning + Somewhat marked with lines in pleasant places! + + Alma Mater, whether young or olden, + Thanks to you for hosts of friendly faces, + Treasured memories, days of boyhood golden, + Lines that fell in none but pleasant places! + + * * * * * + + LONDON BICYCLISTS. + + ["Mr. ASQUITH said that he was informed by the Chief + Commissioner of the Metropolitan Police that undoubtedly + numerous accidents were caused by bicycles and tricycles, though + he was not prepared to say from the cause of the machines + passing on the near instead of the off side of the road. + Bicycles and tricycles were carriages, and should conform to the + rules of the road, and the police, as far as possible, enforced + the law as to riding to the common danger."--_Daily Graphic, + July 25._] + + Round the omnibus, past the van, + Rushing on with a reckless reel, + Darts that horrible nuisance, an + Ardent cyclist resolved that he'll + Ride past everything he can, + Heed not woman, or child, or man, + Beat some record, some ride from Dan + To Beersheba; that seems his plan. + Why does not the Home Office ban + London fiends of the whirling wheel? + + Let them ride in the country so, + Dart from Duncansbay Head to Deal, + Shoot as straight as the flight of crow, + Sweep as swallow that seeks a meal, + We don't care how the deuce they go, + But in thoroughfares where we know + Cyclists, hurrying to and fro, + Make each peaceable man their foe, + Riders, walkers alike cry "Whoa! + Stop these fiends of the whirling wheel!" + + * * * * * + + ODE ON SACRIFICE. + + Amid the glowing pageant of the year + There comes too soon th' inevitable shock, + That token of the season sere, + To the unthinking fair so cheaply dear, + Who, like to shipwreck'd seamen, do it hail, + And cry, "A Sale! a Sale! + A Sale! a Summer Sale of Surplus Stock!" + + See, how, like busy-humming bees + Around the ineffable fragrance of the lime, + Woman, unsparing of the salesman's time, + Reviews the stock, and chaffers at her ease, + Nor yet, for all her talking, purchases, + But takes away, with copper-bulgèd purse, + The textile harvest of a quiet eye, + Great bargains still unbought, and power to buy. + + Or she, her daylong, garrulous labour done, + Some victory o'er reluctant remnants won, + Fresh from the trophies of her skill, + Things that she needed not, nor ever will, + She takes the well-earned bun; + Ambrosial food, DEMETER erst design'd + As the appropriate food of womankind, + Plain, or with comfits deck'd and spice; + Or, daintier, dallies with an ice. + Nor feels in heart the worse + Because the haberdashers thus disperse + Their surplus stock at an astounding sacrifice! + + Yet Contemplation pauses to review + The destinies that meet the silkworm's care, + The fate of fabrics whose materials grew + In the same fields of cotton or of flax, + Or waved on fellow-flockmen's fleecy backs, + And the same mill, loom, case, emporium, shelf, did share. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "ADDING INSULT," &c. + +SCENE--_Hunters cantering round Show Ring._ + +_Youth on hard-mouthed Grey (having just cannoned against old +Twentystun)._ "'SCUSE ME, SIR,--'BLIGED TO DO IT. NOTHING LESS THAN A +HAYSTACK STOPS HIM!"] + + * * * * * + + THE RIDER'S VADE MECUM. + + (_For Use in Rotten Row._) + +_Question._ What part of London do you consider the most dangerous for +an equestrian? + +_Answer._ That part of the Park known as Rotten Row. + +_Q._ Why is it so dangerous? + +_A._ Because it is overcrowded in the Season, and at all times +imperfectly kept. + +_Q._ What do you mean by "imperfectly kept"? + +_A._ I mean that the soil is not free from bricks and other impediments +to comfortable and safe riding. + +_Q._ Why do you go to Rotten Row? + +_A._ Because it is the most convenient place in London for the residents +of the West End. + +_Q._ But would not Battersea Park do as well? + +_A._ It is farther afield, and at present, so far as the rides are +concerned, given over to the charms of solitude. + +_Q._ And is not the Regent's Park also available for equestrians? + +_A._ To some extent; but the roads in that rather distant pleasaunce are +not comparable for a moment with the ride within view of the Serpentine. + +_Q._ Would a ride in Kensington Gardens be an advantage? + +_A._ Yes, to some extent; still it would scarcely be as convenient as +the present exercising ground. + +_Q._ Then you admit that there are (and might be) pleasant rides other +than Rotten Row? + +_A._ Certainly; but that fact does not dispense with the necessity of +reform in existing institutions. + +_Q._ Then you consider the raising of other issues is merely a plan to +confuse and obliterate the original contention? + +_A._ Assuredly; and it is a policy that has been tried before with +success to obstructors and failure to the grievance-mongers. + +_Q._ So as two blacks do not make one white you and all believe that +Rotten Row should be carefully inspected and the causes of the recent +accidents ascertained and remedied? + +_A._ I do; and, further, am convinced that such a course would be for +the benefit of the public in general and riders in Rotten Row in +particular. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "PERSONALLY CONDUCTED."] + + * * * * * + + "PERSONALLY CONDUCTED." + + 'Tis a norrible tale I'm a-going to narrate; + It happened--vell, each vone can fill in the date! + It's a heartrending tale of three babbies so fine. + Whom to spifflicate promptly their foes did incline. + Ven they vos qvite infants they lost their mamma; + They vos left all alone in the vorld vith their pa. + But to vatch o'er his babbies vos always _his_ plan-- + (_Chorus_)-- + 'Cos their daddy he vos sich a keerful old man! + + He took those three kiddies all into his charge, + And kep them together so they shouldn't "go large." + Two hung to his coat-tails along the hard track. + And the third one, he clung to his neck pick-a-back. + The foes of those kiddies they longed for their bleed, + And they swore that to carry 'em _he_ shouldn't succeed, + But to save them poor babbies he hit on a plan-- + (_Chorus_)-- + 'Cos their dadda he vos sich a artful old man! + + Some hoped, from exposure, the kids would ketch cold, + And that croup or rheumatics would lay 'em in the mould; + But they seemed to survive every babbyish disease, + Vich their venomous enemies did not qvite please. + But, in course, sich hard lines did the kiddies no good; + They got vet in the storm, they got lost in the vood, + But their dad cried, "I'll yet save these kids if I can!"-- + (_Chorus_)-- + 'Cos their feyther he vos sich a dogged old man! + + Foes hoped he'd go out of his depth,--or his mind,-- + Or, cutting his stick, leave his babbies behind, + Ven they came to the margin of a vide roaring stream. + And the kids, being frightened, began for to scream. + But he cries, cheery like, "Stash that hullabulloo! + _Keep your eye on your father, and HE'll pull you through!!_"-- + Vich some thinks he _vill_ do--if any von can-- + (Chorus)-- + 'Cos Sir VILLYUM he is sich a walliant old man! + + * * * * * + + LYRE AND LANCET. + + (_A Story in Scenes._) + + PART V.--CROSS-PURPOSES. + + SCENE VI.--_A First-Class Compartment._ + +_Lady Maisie_ (_to herself_). Poets don't seem to have much +self-possession. He seems perfectly overcome by hearing my name like +that. If only he doesn't lose his head completely and say something +about my wretched letter! + +_Spurrell_ (_to himself_). I'd better tell 'em before they find out for +themselves. (_Aloud; desperately._) My lady, I--I feel I ought to +explain at once how I come to be going down to Wyvern like this. + + [Lady MAISIE _only just suppresses a terrified protest_. + +_Lady Cantire_ (_benignly amused_). My good Sir, there's not the +slightest necessity, I am perfectly aware of who you are, and everything +about you! + +_Spurr._ (_incredulously_). But really I don't see _how_ your +ladyship----Why, I haven't said a _word_ that---- + +_Lady Cant._ (_with a solemn waggishness_). Celebrities who mean to +preserve their _incognito_ shouldn't allow their friends to see them +off. I happened to hear a certain _Andromeda_ mentioned, and that was +quite enough for Me! + +_Spurr._ (_to himself, relieved_). She knows; seen the sketch of me in +the _Dog Fancier_, I expect; goes in for breeding bulls herself, very +likely. Well, that's a load off my mind! (_Aloud._) You don't say so, my +lady. I'd no idea your ladyship would have any taste that way; most +agreeable surprise to me, I can assure you! + +_Lady Cant._ I see no reason for _surprise_ in the matter. I have always +endeavoured to cultivate my taste in all directions; to keep in touch +with every modern development. I make it a rule to read and see +_everything_. Of course, I have no time to give more than a rapid glance +at most things; but I hope some day to be able to have another look at +your _Andromeda_. I hear the most glowing accounts from all the judges. + +_Spurr._ (_to himself_). She knows all the judges! She _must_ be in the +fancy! (_Aloud._) Any time your ladyship likes to name I shall be proud +and happy to bring her round for your inspection. + +_Lady Cant._ (_with condescension_). If you are kind enough to offer me +a copy of _Andromeda_, I shall be _most_ pleased to possess one. + +_Spurr._ (_to himself_). Sharp old customer, this; trying to rush me for +a pup. _I_ never offered her one! (_Aloud._) Well, as to _that_, my +lady, I've promised so many already, that really I don't--but +there--I'll see what I can _do_ for you. I'll make a note of it; you +mustn't mind having to _wait_ a bit. + +_Lady Cant._ (_raising her eyebrows_). I will make an effort to support +existence in the meantime. + +_Lady Maisie_ (_to herself_). I couldn't have believed that the man who +could write such lovely verses should be so--well, not _exactly_ a +gentleman! How _petty_ of me to have such thoughts. Perhaps geniuses +never _are_. And as if it _mattered_! And I'm sure he's very natural and +simple, and I shall like him when I know him. + + [_The train slackens._ + +_Lady Cant._ What station is this? Oh, it _is_ Shuntingbridge. (_To_ +SPURRELL, _as they get out._) Now, if you'll kindly take charge of these +bags, and go and see whether there's anything from Wyvern to meet +us--you will find us here when you come back. + +SCENE VII.--_On the Platform at Shuntingbridge._ + +_Lady Cant._ Ah, _there_ you are, PHILLIPSON! Yes, you can take the +jewel-case; and now you had better go and see after the trunks. +(PHILLIPSON _hurries back to the luggage-van_; SPURRELL _returns._) +Well, Mr.--I always forget names, so shall call you "ANDROMEDA"--have +you found----The omnibus, is it? Very well, take us to it, and we'll get +in. + + [_They go outside._ + +_Undershell_ (_at another part of the platform--to himself_). Where has +Miss MULL disappeared to? Oh, there she is, pointing out her luggage. +What a quantity she travels with! Can't be such a _very_ poor relation. +How graceful and collected she is, and how she orders the porters about! +I really believe I shall enjoy this visit. (_To a porter._) That's +mine--the brown one with a white star. I want it to go to Wyvern +Court--Sir RUPERT CULVERIN'S. + +_Porter_ (_shouldering it_). Right, Sir. Follow me, if you please. + + [_He disappears with it._ + +_Und._ (_to himself_). I mustn't leave Miss MULL alone. (_Advancing to +her._) Can I be of any assistance? + +_Phillipson._ It's all done now. But you might try and find out how +we're to get to the Court. + + [UNDERSHELL _departs; is requested to produce his ticket, and + spends several minutes in searching every pocket but the right + one._ + +[Illustration: "Searching every pocket but the right one."] + +SCENE VIII.--_The Station Yard at Shuntingbridge._ + +_Lady Cant._ (_from the interior of the Wyvern omnibus, testily, to_ +Footman). What are we waiting for _now_? Is my maid coming with us--or +how? + +_Footman._ There's a fly ordered to take her, my lady. + +_Lady Cant._ (_to_ SPURRELL, _who is standing below_). Then it's _you_ +who are keeping us! + +_Spurr._ If your ladyship will excuse me, I'll just go and see if +they've put out my bag. + +_Lady Cant._ (_impatiently_). Never mind about your bag. (_To_ Footman.) +What have you done with this gentleman's luggage? + +_Footman._ Everything for the Court is on top now, my lady. + + [_He opens the door for_ SPURRELL. + +_Lady Cant._ (_to_ SPURRELL, _who is still irresolute_). For goodness' +sake don't hop about on that step! Come in, and let us start. + +_Lady Maisie._ _Please_ get in--there's _plenty_ of room! + +_Spurr._ (_to himself_). They _are_ chummy, and no mistake! (_Aloud, as +he gets in._) I do hope it won't be considered any intrusion--my coming +up along with your ladyships, I mean! + +_Lady Cant._ (_snappishly_). Intrusion! I never heard such nonsense! Did +you expect to be asked to _run behind_? You really mustn't be so +ridiculously modest. As if your _Andromeda_ hadn't procured you the +_entrée_ everywhere! + + [_The omnibus starts._ + +_Spurr._ (_to himself_). Good old Drummy! No idea I was such a swell. +I'll keep my tail up. Shyness ain't one of _my_ failings. (_Aloud to an +indistinct mass at the further end of the omnibus, which is unlighted._) +Er--hum--pitch dark night, my lady, don't get much idea of the country! +(_The mass makes no response._) I was saying, my lady, it's too dark +to----(_The mass snores peacefully._) Her ladyship seems to be taking a +snooze on the quiet, my lady. (_To_ Lady MAISIE.) (_To himself._) Not +that _that_'s the word for it! + +_Lady Maisie_ (_distantly_). My Mother gets tired rather easily. (_To +herself._) It's really too dreadful; he makes me hot all over! If he's +going to do this kind of thing at Wyvern! And I'm more or less +_responsible_ for him, too! I _must_ see if I can't----It will be only +kind. (_Aloud, nervously._) Mr.--Mr. BLAIR! + +_Spurr._ Excuse me, my lady, not _BLAIR_--SPURRELL. + +_Lady Maisie._ Of course, _how_ stupid of me. I knew it wasn't _really_ +your name. Mr. _SPURRELL_, then, you--you won't mind if I give you just +one little hint, _will_ you? + +_Spurr._ I shall take it kindly of your ladyship, whatever it is. + +_Lady Maisie_ (_more nervously still_). It's really such a trifle, +but--but, in speaking to Mamma or me, it isn't at all necessary to say +'my lady' or 'your ladyship.' I--I mean, it sounds rather, +well--_formal_, don't you know! + +_Spurr._ (_to himself_). She's going to be chummy now! (_Aloud._) I +thought, on a first acquaintance, it was only manners. + +_Lady Maisie._ Oh--manners? yes, I--I daresay--but still--but +still--_not_ at Wyvern, don't you know. If you like, you can call Mamma +'Lady CANTIRE,' and me 'Lady MAISIE,' and, of course, my Aunt will be +'Lady CULVERIN,' but--but if there are other people staying in the +house, you needn't call them _anything_, do you see? + +_Spurr._ (_to himself_). I'm not likely to have the chance! (_Aloud._) +Well, if you're sure they won't _mind_ it, because I'm not used to this +sort of thing, so I put myself in your hands,--for, of course, _you_ +know what brought me down here? + +_Lady Maisie_ (_to herself_). He means my foolish letter! Oh, I must put +a stop to _that_ at once! (_In a hurried undertone._) Yes--yes; I--I +think I do. I mean, I _do_ know--but--but _please_ forget it--_indeed_ +you must! + +_Spurr._ (_to himself_). Forget I've come down as a vet? The CULVERINS +will take care I don't forget that! (_Aloud._) But, I say, it's all very +well; but how _can_ I? Why, look here; I was told I was to come down +here on purpose to----. + +_Lady Maisie_ (_on thorns_). I know--you needn't tell me! And _don't_ +speak so loud! _Mamma_ might hear! + +_Spurr._ (_puzzled_). What if she did? Why, I thought her la--your +Mother _knew_! + +_Lady Maisie_ (_to herself_). He actually thinks I should tell Mamma! +Oh, how _dense_ he is! (_Aloud._) Yes--yes--of _course_ she +knows--but--but you might _wake_ her! And--and please don't allude to it +again--to me or--or anyone. (_To herself._) That I should have to beg +him to be silent like this! But what can I _do_? Goodness only knows +_what_ he mightn't say, if I don't warn him! + +_Spurr._ (_nettled_). I don't mind _who_ knows. _I'm_ not ashamed of it, +Lady MAISIE--whatever you may be! + +_Lady Maisie_ (_to herself, exasperated_). He dares to imply that _I_'ve +done something to be ashamed of! (_Aloud; haughtily._) I'm _not_ +ashamed--why _should_ I be? Only--oh, can't you _really_ understand +that--that one may do things which one wouldn't care to be reminded of +publicly? I don't _wish_ it--isn't _that_ enough? + +_Spurr._ (_to himself_). I see what she's at now--doesn't want it to +come out that she's travelled down here with a vet! (_Aloud, stiffly._) +A lady's wish is enough for _me_ at anytime. If you're sorry for having +gone out of your way to be friendly, why, I'm not the person to take +advantage of it. I hope I know how to behave. + + [_He takes refuge in offended silence._ + +_Lady Maisie_ (_to herself_). Why did I say anything at all! I've only +made things worse--I've let him see that he _has_ an advantage. And he's +certain to use it sooner or later--unless I am civil to him. I've +offended him now--and I shall _have_ to make it up with him! + +_Spurr._ (_to himself_). I thought all along she didn't seem as chummy +as her mother--but to turn round on me like this! + +_Lady Cant._ (_waking up_). Well, Mr. ANDROMEDA, I should have thought +you and my daughter might have found _some_ subject in common; but I +haven't heard a word from either of you since we left the station. + +_Lady Maisie_ (_to herself_). That's _some_ comfort! (_Aloud._) You must +have had a nap, Mamma. We--we _have_ been talking. + +_Spurr._ Oh yes, we _have_ been talking, I can assure you--er--Lady +CANTIRE! + +_Lady Cant._ Dear me. Well, MAISIE, I hope the conversation was +entertaining? + +_Lady Maisie._ M-most entertaining, Mamma! + +_Lady Cant._ I'm quite sorry I missed it. (_The omnibus stops._) Wyvern +at last! But _what_ a journey it's been, to be sure! + +_Spurr._ (_to himself_). I should just think it had. I've never been so +taken up and put down in all my life! But it's over now; and, thank +goodness, I'm not likely to see any more of 'em! + + [_He gets out with alacrity._ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "THE LITTLE MORE AND HOW MUCH IT IS." + +_She_ (_engaged to another_). "WE DON'T SEEM TO BE GETTING ON VERY WELL; +SOMETHING SEEMS TO BE WEIGHING US DOWN!" + +_He_ (_gloomily_). "IT'S THAT DIAMOND AND SAPPHIRE RING ON YOUR LEFT +HAND. WE SHOULD BE ALL RIGHT IF IT WEREN'T FOR THAT!"] + + * * * * * + +MRS. R. has often had a cup of tea in a storm, but she cannot for the +life of her see how there can possibly be a storm in a tea-cup. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: INFELICITOUS =MIS=QUOTATIONS. + +_Hostess._ "YOU'VE EATEN HARDLY ANYTHING, MR. SIMPKINS!" + +_Mr. S._ "MY DEAR LADY, I'VE DINED '_WISELY, BUT NOT TOO WELL_!'"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE COREAN COCK-FIGHT. + +BRUIN. "HA!--WHICHEVER WINS, I SEE MY WAY TO A DINNER!"] + + * * * * * + + THE COREAN COCK-FIGHT. + + ["Russia's love of peace is outweighed by her duty to safeguard + her vital interests, which would seriously suffer were Japan or + China to modify the present state of things in + Corea."--_Official Russian view of the Corean situation, given + by "Daily Telegraph" Correspondent at St. Petersburg._] + + BRUIN, _loquitur_. + + "Duty to safeguard my interests?" Quite so! + Nice way of putting it, yes, and so _moral_! + Yet I love Peace! Pity game-cocks will fight so! + Disfigures their plumes and their combs' healthy "coral." + Big Cochin-China and Bantam of Jap + Feel at each other they _must_ have a slap. + _Cock-a-doodle-do-o-o-o!!!_ + Humph! I must keep a sharp eye on the two! + + Peace, now! She _is_ such a loveable darling! + Goddess I worship in rapt contemplation. + Spurring and crowing, and snapping and snarling, + Wholly unworthy a bird--or a nation! + Still there is Duty! I have an idea + Mine lies in watching this fight in Corea. + _Cock-a-doodle-do-o-o-o!!!_ + BULL yonder looks in a bit of a stew! + + Some say my destiny pointeth due North, + Ice-caves are all very well--for a winter-rest. + But BRUIN'S fond of adventuring forth; + In the "Far East" he feels quite a warm interest; + BULL doesn't like it at all. But then BULL + Fancies that no one should feed when _he_'s full! + _Cock-a-doodle-do-o-o-o!!!_ + I am still hungry, and love chicken-stew! + + To make the Corea a cock-pit, young Jappy, + May suit you, or even that huge Cochin-China; + But--fighting you know always makes _me_ unhappy. + I feel, like poor _Villikins_ robbed of his _Dinah_, + As if I could swallow a cup of "cold pison."-- + But--still--these antagonists I _must_ keep eyes on. + _Cock-a-doodle-do-o-o-o!!!_ + Cockfighting _is_ cruel,--but stirring fun, too! + + _Duty_, dear boys! Ah! there's nothing like Duty. + Gives one "repose"--like that Blacksmith of LONGFELLOW! + Go it, young Jap! That last drive was a beauty. + But--your opponent's an awfully strong fellow. + Little bit slow at first, sluggish and lumbering, + But when he makes a fair start there's no slumbering. + _Cock-a-doodle-do-o-o-o!!!_ + Sakes! How his new steel spurs shone as he flew! + + Now, should I stop it, or should I take sides? + BULL and the other onlookers seem fidgety! + Cochin strikes hard, but indulges in "wides"; + Game-cock _is_ game--though a little mite midgety. + Well, whate'er the end be, and whichever win, + I _think_ the game's mine, when I choose to cut in. + _Cock-a-doodle-do-o-o-o!!!_ + I'm safe for a dinner--off _one_ of the two! + + [_Left considering and chortling._ + + * * * * * + + THE WAR CRY. + + (_Dedicated (without permission) to the Pioneer + Club_) + + Rouse ye, ye women, and flock to your banners! + War is declared on the enemy, Man! + If we can't teach him to better his manners, + We'll copy the creature as close as we can! + No longer the heel of the tyrant shall grind us. + Rouse ye and rally! The despot defy! + And the false craven shall tremble to find us + Resolved to a woman to do or to die. + + _Chorus._ + + Then hey! for the latchkey, sweet liberty's symbol! + Greet it, ye girls, with your lustiest cheer! + Away with the scissors! Away with the thimble! + And hey nonny no for the gay Pioneer! + + Why should we writhe on a clumsy side-saddle + Designed on a most diabolical plan? + Women! submit ye no longer! Ride straddle, + And jump on the corns of your enemy, Man! + Storm the iniquitous haunts of his pleasure, + Leave him to nurse the dear babes when they fret, + Dine at St. James' in luxurious leisure, + And woo the delights of the sweet cigarette! + + Look to your latchkeys! The whole situation + Upon the possession of these will depend. + Use them, ye women, without hesitation, + And dine when ye will with a gentleman friend. + Man's a concoction of sin and of knavery-- + Women of India, China, Japan! + Rouse ye, and end this inglorious slavery! + Down with the tyrant! Down, down with the Man! + + * * * * * + + THE BANK HOLIDAY + DREAM BOOK. + + (_Compiled by our Pet Pessimist._) + +If you imagine that it will be fine, and consequently that you can don +the lightest of attire, you may be sure that it will be cold and wet, +and absolutely unsuitable to travelling. + +If you fancy that you will enjoy a delightful visit to some intimate +friends, you will find that you have had your journey to a spot "ten +miles from anywhere" for nothing, as your intended hosts have gone +abroad for the season. + +If you believe that you are seeing a favourite piece being played +admirably at a West End theatre, you will discover that the programme +was altered four days ago, and that the temple of the drama will not +reopen until the autumn. + +If you arrange to go abroad with a friend, you will quarrel with your +acquaintance on the following morning, and disarrange your plans for a +lifetime. + +Lastly, if you dream that you have decided to give up gadding about on a +bank holiday to remain at home, you will see that it is better to follow +your fancy, and avoid the risk of making a mistake by adventuring to +strange places and pastures new. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE EXPRESSED DIFFERENTLY. + +"WELL, GOOD-BYE FOR THE PRESENT, DEAREST! I HOPE YOU'LL BE QUITE WELL +AND STRONG WHEN I CAN NEXT COME AND SEE YOU." + +"OH, I HOPE I SHALL BE WELL AND STRONG ENOUGH TO BE AWAY BEFORE THAT!"] + + * * * * * + + IN SHEER DELIGHT. + + (_A Surrey Rondel._) + + In sheer delight I sing the country's praise. + The town no longer takes me day or night. + 'Mid scented roses one should loll and laze + In sheer delight. + + The corn fields unto harvest glisten white, + In pastures lowing kine contented graze. + _Per_ train (South-Eastern) now to wing his flight + No lover of the Surrey side delays. + My own case you suggest? Of course you're right. + Which p'r'aps explains why I to spend my days + In Shere delight! + + * * * * * + +"SORTES AQUATICÆ"; OR, MAXIM FOR THE MAIDENHEAD REGATTA.--After a +rattling race with KILBY of Staines (who was worn to a standstill), and +COHEN of Maidenhead (who pitched overboard), VERITY of Weybridge easily +retained the Upper Thames Single Punting Championship. Why, cert'n'ly! +What says the old Latin saw? _Magna est Veritas, et prævalebit!_ Which +(obviously) means:--Great is VERITY, and he shall prevail! + + * * * * * + + LORD ORMONT'S MATE AND MATEY'S AMINTA. + + BY G***GE M*R*D*TH. + + VOLUME II. + +The die was now a-casting. Hurtled though devious windings far from +ordered realms where the Syntax Queen holds sway, spinning this way and +that like the whipped box-wood beloved of youth but deadly to the +gout-ridden toes of the home-faring Alderman, now sinking to a fall, now +impetuously whirled on a devil-dance, clamorous as Cocytus, the lost +souls filling it to the brink, at last the meaning glimmered to the +eye--not that wherein dead time hung just above the underlids, but the +common reading eye a-thirst for meanings, baffled again and again and +drooping a soporific lid slowly, nose a-snore, and indolent mind lapped +in slumber. They discussed it. + +"Am I a Literary Causerie?" breathed AMINTA. + +"No, but food for such." + +"And if I am?" she said. + +"Turgidity masquerading as depth. Was ever cavalry general so tortured +into symbolism?" + +"I remain," she insisted. + +"I go to Paris," was his retort. + +"My aunt stays with me." + +"Thank Heaven!" he muttered. + +The design was manifest. Who should mistake it? For a fencer plays you +the acrobat, a measure he, poised on a plum-box with jargon-mouth agape +for what shall come to it. Is the man unconscious? The worse his fate. +For the fact is this. All are Meredithians in dialogue, tarred with one +brush abysmally plunged in the hot and steaming tank, a general tarred, +a tarred tutor, a tarred sister, aunt reeking of the tar and General's +Doubtful Lady chin-deep in the compound, and no distinction. + +Clatter, crash, bang. Helter-skelter comes dashing Lady CHARLOTTE, a +forest at her heels dragged in chains for all a neighbour may pout and +fret and ride to hounds. She switched him a brat-face patter-down of an +apology tamed to the net-ponds of a busk-madder, blue nose vermilion, +mannish to the outside, breathing flames and scattering apish hop-poles +like a parachute blown into space by the bellows of a hugger-mugger +conformity. "I can mew," she said. "Old women can; it's a way they have. +The person you call ... but no--I pass it. Was ever such folly in a man? +And that man my brother ROWSLEY. But you have seen her you say--a +Spaniard--_Ay de mi; Señorita_, and the rest of the gibberish. What is +her colour?" + +The question flicked him like a hansom's whip, that plucks you out an +optic, policeman in helmet looking on, stolid on the mumchance. Out it +goes at whip-end and no remedy, blue, green, brown or bloodshot. Glass +can imitate or porcelain, and a pretty trade's a-doing in these, making +a man like two light-houses, one fixed as fate, the other revolving like +the earth on its axis. + +"BROWN," he answered, humbly. + +"MORSFIELD's after her," said Lady CHARLOTTE. + +"Let him." + +"But he's dangerous." + +"I can trounce such. Did it at school, and can remember the trick." + +A lady came moving onward. She had that in her gait which showed +command, her bonnet puckered to the front, a fat aunt trailing behind. +They came steadily. It was AMINTA with her aunt. + +Lord ORMONT, his temper ablaze like his manuscript, thirty-four pages, +neither more nor less, fortifications planned, advice given gratis to +the loutish neglecting nation, stepped forward. + +"You must remove her," he declared to WEYBURN. + +"But the aunt?" questioned MATEY. + +"She must go too. See to it quickly!" He fell back, the irrevocable +quivering in his eyeball, destiny mocking with careless glee, while +MORSFIELD and a bully-captain saw their chances and just missed the +taking. + +Away they clattered, MATEY and AMINTA, leaving the PAGNELL to her +passion-breathing MORSFIELD. + +END OF VOL. II. + + * * * * * + + THE END OF THE OPERA SEASON. + + _Solo and Chorus._ + + The Opera time began in May, + And ended but last Satur_day_. + We hope it has been made to pay + _Chorus._ AUGUSTUS DRURIOLANUS! + _Solo._ Not in the days of MARIO + Was there an _Impresario_, + Arranger of _scenario_, + Who knew so "where he are!" he o- + peratical campaign can plan + With sure success! no better man + For operatic venture than + _Chorus (in unison)._ AUGUSTUS DRURIOLANUS! + + _All._ + + The Opera time, &c. (_as above_). + + * * * * * + +MAXIM FOR CYCLISTS.--"_Try_-cycle before you _Buy_-cycle." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE PARLIAMENTARY SWIMMING BATH. + +(_A Seasonable Suggestion._) + +"It is proposed to establish Baths at the Houses of Parliament for the +use of Members."--_Daily Press._] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: REAL ENJOYMENT. + +_Non-Golfer (middle-aged, rather stout, who would like to play, and has +been recommended it as healthy and amusing)._ "WELL, I CANNOT SEE WHERE +THE EXCITEMENT COMES IN IN THIS GAME!" + +_Caddie._ "EH, MON, THERE'S MORE SWEARING USED OVER GOLF THAN ANY OTHER +GAME! D'YE NO CA' THAT EXCITEMENT?"] + + * * * * * + + ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + + EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. + +_House of Commons, Monday, July 23._--Quite like old times to hear TIM +HEALY saying a few plain things about landlords; PRINCE ARTHUR replying; +TIM growling out occasional contradiction; whilst O'BRIEN hotly +interrupts. To make the reminiscence complete JOSEPH contributes a +speech in which he heaps contumely and scorn on representatives of Irish +nationality. TIM reminds him how different was his attitude, how varied +his voice, at epoch of Kilmainham Treaty. + +TIM has a rough but effective way of fastening upon a name or phrase, +and even blatantly reiterating it. Thus, when OLD MORALITY, in his +kindly manner, once alluded to a visit paid to him at a critical time by +his "old friend Mr. WALTER," TIM leaped down upon it, and, +characteristically leaving out the customary appellation, filled the air +with scornful reference to "my old friend WALTER." To-night, desiring to +bring into sharp contrast JOSEPH'S present attitude towards Ireland and +the landlord party with that assumed by him twelve years ago, he +insisted upon calling the Arrears Bill of 1882 "the Chamberlain Act." It +wasn't JOSEPH'S personal possession or invention any more than it was +the SQUIRE OF MALWOOD'S. But that way of putting it doubly suited TIM'S +purpose. It permitted him, without breach of order, to allude by name to +the member for West Birmingham; there's a good deal in a name when the +syllables are hissed forth with infinite hate and scorn. Also it +accentuated the changed position _vis-à-vis_ Ireland to which further +reflection and honest conviction have brought the prime mover in the +Kilmainham Treaty. + +Irish Members, forgetting their own quarrels with TIM as he fustigated +the common enemy, roared with delight. A broad smile lighted up the +serried ranks of the Liberals. PRINCE ARTHUR wore a decorous look of +sympathy with his wronged right hon. friend. The Duke of +DEVONSHIRE,--"late the Leader of the Liberal Party,"--from the Peers' +Gallery surveyed the scene with stolid countenance. JOSEPH, +orchid-decked, sat in his corner seat below the gangway, staring +straight before him as one who saw not neither did he hear. + +_Business done._--TIM HEALY goes on the rampage. Evicted Tenants Bill +read second time. + +_Tuesday._--As has been noted on an earlier occasion, Britannia has no +bulwarks, no towers along her steep. It is, consequently, the more +comforting to know that ELLIS ASHMEAD-BARTLETT (Knight) keeps his eye on +things abroad as they affect the interests of British citizens. The +Member for SARK tells me he has a faded copy of the _Skibbereen Eagle_ +containing its famous note of warning to NAPOLEON THE THIRD. Was +published at time of the irruption of Colonels. These gentlemen, sitting +on boulevards sipping absinthe, used to twirl their moustache +and--_sacrrée!_--growl hints of what they would do when they as +conquerors walked down Piccadillee, and rioted in the riches of Leestar +Square. + +NAPOLEON THE THIRD did not escape suspicion of fanning this flame. +Howbeit the _Skibbereen Eagle_ came out one Saturday morning with a +leading article commencing: "We have our eye on NAPOLEON THE THIRD, +Emperor of the French." + +Thus ELLIS ASHMEAD-BARTLETT (Knight) digs eagle claws into the aerie +heights of the Clock Tower, and watches over the interests and cares of +an Empire on which the sun rarely sets. + +"All the kinder of him," SARK says, "since they cannot be said directly +to concern him. In an effort to redress the balance between the Old +World and the New, United States has lent us ASHMEAD. The temporary +character of the arrangement makes only the more generous his concern +for the interests of the Empire in which he lodges." + +In the peculiar circumstances of the case those able young men, EDWARD +GREY and SYDNEY BUXTON, might be a little less openly contemptuous in +their treatment of the Patriotic Emigrant. Hard to say at which office +door, Foreign or Colonial, ASHMEAD bangs his head with more distressful +result. He takes them in succession, with dogged courage that would in +anyone else excite admiration. Of the two janitors, perhaps EDWARD +GREY'S touch is the lightest. He replies with a solemn gravity that +puzzles ASHMEAD, and keeps him brooding till SPEAKER stays the merry +laughter of the House by calling on the next question. BUXTON is more +openly contemptuous, more severely sarcastic, and sometimes, when +ASHMEAD'S prattling, of no consequence in the House, might possibly have +serious effect when cabled to the Transvaal where they think all Members +of Parliament are responsible men, he smartly raps out. Between the two +the Patriot--made in Brooklyn, plated in Sheffield--has a bad time of +it. Has long learned how much sharper than a serpent's tooth is the +tongue of an Under Secretary of State. + +_Business done._--Second Reading of Equalisation of London Rates Bill +moved. + +_Thursday._--Lords took Budget Bill in hand to-night. MARKISS asked for +week's interval. This looked like fighting. At least there would be a +reconnaissance in force led by the MARKISS. House full; peerless +Peeresses looked down from side gallery; MARKISS in his place; +DEVONSHIRE in his--not Chatsworth; that going to be shut up; but corner +seat below gangway; ROSEBERY hovering about, settled down at length in +seat of Leader. Clerk read Orders of the Day. "Finance Bill second +reading." "I move the Bill be read a second time," said ROSEBERY, +politely taking his hat off to lady in gallery immediately opposite. +Then he sat down. + +Here was a pretty go! Expected PREMIER would make brilliant speech in +support of Bill; the MARKISS would reply; fireworks would fizz all +round, and, though perhaps Budget Bill might be saved, SQUIRE OF MALWOOD +would be pummelled. ROSEBERY takes oddest, most unparliamentary view of +his duty. The Lords, he said, when last week subject was mooted, have +nothing to do with Budget Bill, unless indeed they are prepared to throw +it out. "Will you do that?" he asked. "No," said MARKISS, looking as if +he would much rather say "Yes." "Very well then," said ROSEBERY, "all +speeches on the subject must be barren." + +This to the Barons seemed lamentably personal. + +ROSEBERY illustrated his point by declining for his own part to make a +speech. Still there was talk; barren speeches for three hours; audience +gradually dwindling: only a few left to witness spectacle of HALSBURY'S +blue blood boiling over with indignation at sacrilegious assault on +landed aristocracy. + +"If you want to make your flesh creep," says SARK, "you should hear +HALSBURY, raising to full height his majestic figure, throwing the +shadow of his proudly aquiline profile fiercely on the steps of the +Throne where some minions of the Government cowered, exclaim, 'My Lords, +I detect in this Bill a hostile spirit towards the landed aristocracy.'" + +"A HALSBURY! a HALSBURY!" menacingly muttered FEVERSHAM and some other +fiery crusaders. + +For the moment, so deeply was the assembly stirred, a conflict between +the two Houses seemed imminent. But Black Rod coming to take away the +Mace the tumult subsided, and Lord HALSBURY went home in a four-wheeler. + +_Business done._--Budget read second time in Lords. + +_Friday._--Scene in Commons quite changed; properties remain but leading +characters altered. After unprecedented run, Budget Bill withdrawn; +Irish Evicted Tenants Bill now underlined on bills. JOHN MORLEY succeeds +the SQUIRE; Irish Members take up the buzzing of the no longer Busy B's. + +As for the SQUIRE, he takes well-earned, though only comparative rest; +preparing for congratulatory feast spread for him next Wednesday. Like +good boy whose work is done is now going to have his dinner. Also RIGBY +and BOB REID, who bore with him the heat and burden of the day. It's a +sort of Parliamentary Millennium. The CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER sits +down with the ATTORNEY-GENERAL; the SOLICITOR-GENERAL puts his hand on +the cockatrice's den (situate in the neighbourhood of TOMMY BOWLES); and +FRANK LOCKWOOD has drawn them. + +[Illustration: Three Good Boys, who, having done their Work, get their +Dinner.] + +_Business done._--In Committee on Evicted Tenants Bill. + + * * * * * + +Mrs. R. observes in a newspaper that a man was summoned for "illegal +distress." She is much puzzled at this, as she thought England was a +free country, where people might be as unhappy as they liked! + + * * * * * + + OUR CHARITY FÊTE. + +[Illustration: Private Box. W]ell, my dear _Mr. Punch_, you, who hear +everything, will be glad to receive from me the particulars of our +Annual Farewell Charity Fête, given this year at the Grafton Gallery for +the excellent object of providing the undeserving with pink carnations. +It was a bazaar, a concert, and a fancy-dress ball, all in one; everyone +who is anyone was there, and as they were all in costume, nobody could +tell who was who. It was indeed a very brilliant scene. + +I refused to hold a stall, for I had enough to do writing out autographs +of celebrities (they sell splendidly), but it was hard work, and there +was an absurd fuss just because I made the trifling mistake of signing +"Yours truly, GEORGE MEREDITH" across a photograph of ARTHUR ROBERTS. +What did it matter? I really cannot see that it made the slightest +difference; the person had asked for an autograph of MEREDITH and he got +it, _and_ a portrait of ROBERTS into the bargain! so he ought to have +been satisfied; but some people are strangely exacting! There was a +great run on the autograph of SARAH BERNHARDT and I grew quite tired of +signing YVETTE, ROSEBERY, and CISSIE LOFTUS, however, it was all for the +charity. I went as a Perfect Gentleman, and it was quite a good +disguise--hardly anyone knew me! I saw SIR BRUCE SKENE dressed as a +Temperance Lecturer; GRINGOIRE was there as the _Enemy of the People_ +with a bunch of violets in his button-hole; the NEW BOY went as +_Becket_, and CHARLEY'S AUNT as the _Yellow Aster_. THE GENTLEMAN OF +FRANCE looked well as _The Prisoner of Zenda_. I recognised our old +friend DORIAN GRAY in a gorgeous costume of purple and pearls, with a +crown on his head of crimson roses. He said he had come as a Prose Poem, +and he was selling Prose Poem-granates for the good of the charity. + +Here are some scraps of conversation I overheard in the crowd:-- + +_Enemy of the People_ (_to_ Sir BRUCE SKENE). Been having a good time +lately? + +_Sir Bruce._ Rather! Tremendous! I've been doing nothing but backing +winners, and, what's more--(_chuckling_)--I've at last got that +astronomer fellow to take my wife and child off my hands. Isn't that +jolly? + +_Enemy of the People._ Ah, really? She is coming to us in the autumn, +you know. + +_Vivien, the Modern Eve_ (_to the_ New Boy). I cannot stay here any +longer. They never dust the drawing-room, the geraniums are planted all +wrong, and I do not like the anti-macassars. Will you come with me? + +_New Boy._ What a lark it would be! But I'm afraid I must stay and look +after my white mice. You see, BULLOCK MAJOR---- + +_Lady Belton_ (_after her marriage_, _to_ Charley's Aunt, _tearfully_). +He doesn't understand me, Aunty. + +_Charley's Aunt._ Never mind, my dear. Don't cry! You shall come with me +to Brazil; you've heard me mention, perhaps, it's the place where the +nuts come from; and we'll get up an amateur performance of the +_Pantomime Rehearsal_! + +We had all sorts of amusements. Under a palm, a palmist was prophesying +long journeys, second marriages, and affairs of the heart to the white +hand of giggling incredulity. Beautiful musicians, in blue uniforms, +with gold Hungarian bands round their waists, were discoursing the +sweetest strain that ever encouraged the conversation of the unmusical. +A feature of the bazaar, that I invented, was a mechanical Sphinx behind +a curtain. They asked it questions--chiefly, what would win the +Leger--and put a penny in the slot. There never was any answer, and that +was the great joke! + +The whole thing was undoubtedly a wonderful success--and I knew it would +be. I believed in my _Fête_, having always been rather a fatalist. + +And, in the rush of a worldly, frivolous existence, how great a pleasure +it is to think we should have aided--if ever so little--in brightening +the lives of the poor young fellows, kept, perhaps, all the season +through, in or near the hot pavement of Piccadilly, and with not so much +as a buttercup to remind them of the green fields, the golden sunlight, +the blue sky of the glorious country. To have helped in so noble a cause +as ours is a privilege that made us leave the bazaar with tears of +sympathy in our eyes, feeling better and purer men and women. Long, long +may the button-hole of improvidence be filled by the wired carnation of +judicious charity. + + Believe me, dear _Mr. Punch_, + Yours very truly, "JEMIMA THE PENWOMAN." + +P.S.--An absurd name they gave me on account of the autograph incident. +You remember what "JIM THE PENMAN" was? Of course, but there's no chance +of my becoming the PEN-"WIPER" in the bosom of a family. _Au revoir!_ + + + + +Transcriber Notes: + +Passages in italics were indicated by _underscores_. + +Passages in bold were indicated by =equal signs=. + +Small caps were replaced with ALL CAPS. + +Throughout the document, the oe ligature was replaced with "oe". + +Throughout the dialogues, there were words used to mimic accents of +the speakers. Those words were retained as-is. + +The illustrations have been moved so that they do not break up +paragraphs and so that they are next to the text they illustrate. + +Errors in punctuations and inconsistent hyphenation were not corrected +unless otherwise noted. + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +107. August 4, 1894., by Various + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 40352 *** |