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diff --git a/40338-0.txt b/40338-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..92e9854 --- /dev/null +++ b/40338-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4392 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 40338 *** + +[Illustration: Book Cover] + + + + +THE FURTHER ADVENTURES +OF +MR. VERDANT GREEN + + + + +FRONTISPIECE. +(See page 30.) + +[Illustration: CUTHBERT BEDE, INVT. KT. DELT. E. EVANS, SC] + +MR. VERDANT GREEN FURNISHES THE SUBJECT FOR A STRIKING +FRONTISPIECE. + + + + +THE FURTHER ADVENTURES +OF +MR. VERDANT GREEN, +An Oxford Under-Graduate. + + +BEING A CONTINUATION OF "THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN, AN OXFORD +FRESHMAN." + + +BY CUTHBERT BEDE, B.A. + + +With numerous Illustrations, +DESIGNED AND DRAWN ON THE WOOD BY THE AUTHOR. + + + "A COLLEGE JOKE TO CURE THE DUMPS." + SWIFT. + + +SECOND EDITION. + + +H. INGRAM & CO. +MILFORD HOUSE, MILFORD LANE, STRAND, LONDON; +AND BY ALL BOOKSELLERS. +1854. + + + + +CONTENTS. + + + PAGE + CHAPTER I. Mr. Verdant Green recommences his existence as + an Oxford Undergraduate 1 + CHAPTER II. Mr. Verdant Green does as he has been done by 5 + CHAPTER III. Mr. Verdant Green endeavours to keep his Spirits + up by pouring Spirits down 14 + CHAPTER IV. Mr. Verdant Green discovers the difference between + Town and Gown 26 + CHAPTER V. Mr. Verdant Green is favoured with Mr. Bouncer's + Opinions regarding an Under-graduate's + Epistolary Communications to his Maternal + Relative 39 + CHAPTER VI. Mr. Verdant Green feathers his oars with skill + and dexterity 50 + CHAPTER VII. Mr. Verdant Green partakes of a Dove-tart and + a Spread-eagle 59 + CHAPTER VIII. Mr. Verdant Green spends a Merry Christmas and + a Happy New Year 68 + CHAPTER IX. Mr. Verdant Green makes his first appearance on + any Boards 75 + CHAPTER X. Mr. Verdant Green enjoys a real Cigar 87 + CHAPTER XI. Mr. Verdant Green gets through his Smalls 95 + CHAPTER XII. Mr. Verdant Green and his Friends enjoy the + Commemoration 104 + + + + +PART II. + + + + +CHAPTER I. + +MR. VERDANT GREEN RECOMMENCES HIS EXISTENCE AS AN OXFORD UNDERGRADUATE. + + +The intelligent reader--which epithet I take to be a synonym for every +one who has perused the first part of the Adventures of Mr. Verdant +Green,--will remember the statement, that the hero of the narrative "had +gained so much experience during his Freshman's term, that, when the +pleasures of the Long Vacation were at an end, and he had returned to +Brazenface with his firm and fast friend Charles Larkyns, he felt +himself entitled to assume a patronising air to the Freshmen, who then +entered, and even sought to impose upon their credulity in ways which +his own personal experience suggested." And the intelligent reader will +further call to mind the fact that the first part of these memoirs +concluded with the words--"it was clear that Mr. Verdant Green had made +his farewell bow as an Oxford Freshman." + +But, although Mr. Verdant Green had of necessity ceased to be "a +Freshman" as soon as he had entered upon his second term of +residence,--the name being given to students in their first term +only,--yet this necessity, which, as we all know, _non habet leges_, +will occasionally prove its rule by an exception; and if Mr. Verdant +Green was no longer a Freshman in name, he still continued to be one by +nature. And the intelligent reader will perceive when he comes to study +these veracious memoirs, that, although their hero will no longer +display those peculiarly virulent symptoms of freshness, which drew +towards him so much friendly sympathy during the earlier part of his +University career, yet that he will still, by his innocent simplicity +and credulity, occasionally evidence the truth of the Horatian maxim,-- + + "Quo semel est imbuta recens, servabit odorem + Testa diu;"[1] + +which, when _Smart_-ly translated, means, "A cask will long preserve the +flavour, with which, when new, it was once impregnated;" and which, when +rendered in the Saxon vulgate, signifieth, "What is bred in the bone will +come out in the flesh." + +It would, indeed, take more than a Freshman's term,--a two months' +residence in Oxford,--to remove the simple gaucheries of the country +Squire's hobbodehoy, and convert the girlish youth, the pupil of that +Nestor of Spinsters, Miss Virginia Verdant, into the MAN whose school +was the University, whose Alma Mater was Oxonia herself. We do not cut +our wise teeth in a day; some people, indeed, are so unfortunate as +never to cut them at all; at the best, two months is but a brief space +in which to get through this sapient teething operation, a short time in +which to graft our cutting on the tree of Wisdom, more especially when +the tender plant happens to be a Verdant Green. The golden age is past +when the full-formed goddess of Wisdom sprang from the brain of Jove +complete in all her parts. If our Vulcans now-a-days were to trepan the +heads of our Jupiters, they would find nothing in them! In these +degenerate times it will take more than one splitting headache to +produce _our_ wisdom. + +So it was with our hero. The splitting headache, for example, which had +wound up the pleasures of Mr. Small's "quiet party," had taught him that +the good things of this life were not given to be abused, and that he +could not exceed the bounds of temperance and moderation without being +made to pay the penalty of the trespass. It had taught him that kind of +wisdom which even "makes fools wise;" for it had taught him Experience. +And yet, it was but a portion of that lesson of Experience which it is +sometimes so hard to learn, but which, when once got by heart, is like +the catechism of our early days,--it is never forgotten,--it directs us, +it warns us, it advises us; it not only adorns the tale of our life, but +it points the moral which may bring that tale to a happy and peaceful +end. + +Experience! Experience! What will it not do? It is a staff which will +help us on when we are jostled by the designing crowds of our Vanity +Fair. It is a telescope that will reveal to us the dark spots on what +seemed to be a fair face. It is a finger-post to show us whither the +crooked paths of worldly ways will lead us. It is a scar that tells of +the wound which the soldier has received in the battle of life. It is a +lighthouse that warns us off those hidden rocks and quicksands where the +wrecks of long past joys that once smiled so fairly, and were loved so +dearly, now lie buried in all their ghastliness, stripped of grace and +beauty, things to shudder at and dread. Experience! Why, even Alma +Mater's doctors prescribe it to be taken in the largest quantities! +"Experientia--_dose it_!" they say: and very largely some of us have to +pay for the dose. But the dose does us good; and (for it is an +allopathic remedy), the greater the dose, the greater is the benefit to +be derived. + +The two months' allopathic dose of Experience, which had been +administered to Mr. Verdant Green, chiefly through the agency of those +skilful professors, Messrs. Larkyns, Fosbrooke, Smalls, and Bouncer, had +been so far beneficial to him, that, in the figurative Eastern language +of the last-named gentleman, he had not only been "sharpened up no end +by being well rubbed against University bricks," but he had, moreover, +"become so considerably wide-awake, that he would very soon be able to +take the shine out of the old original Weazel, whom the pages of History +had recorded as never having been discovered in a state of somnolence." + +Now, as Mr. Bouncer was a gentleman of considerable experience and was, +too, (although addicted to expressions not to be found in "the Polite +Preceptor,") quite free from the vulgar habit of personal flattery,--or, +as he thought fit to express it, in words which would have taken away my +Lord Chesterfield's appetite, "buttering a party to his face in the +cheekiest manner,"--we may fairly presume, on this strong evidence, that +Mr. Verdant Green had really gained a considerable amount of experience +during his Freshman's term, although there were still left in his +character and conduct many marks of viridity which-- + + "Time's effacing fingers," + +assisted by Mr. Bouncer's instructions, would gradually remove. However, +Mr. Verdant Green had, at any rate, ceased to be "a Freshman" in name; +and had received that University promotion, which Mr. Charles Larkyns +commemorated by the following _affiche_, which our hero, on his return +from his first morning chapel in the Michaelmas term, found in a +conspicuous position on his oak. + + Commission signed by the Vice-Chancellor of the University + of Oxford. + + MR. VERDANT GREEN to be an Oxford Undergraduate, _vice_ Oxford + Freshman, SOLD out. + +It is generally found to be the case, that the youthful Undergraduate +first seeks to prove he is no longer a "Freshman," by endeavouring to +impose on the credulity of those young gentlemen who come up as Freshmen +in his second term. And, in this, there is an analogy between the biped +and the quadruped; for, the wild, gambolling, school-boy elephant, when +he has been brought into a new circle, and has been trained to new +habits, will take pleasure in ensnaring and deluding his late companions +in play. + +The "sells" by which our hero had been "sold out" as a Freshman, now +formed a stock in trade for the Undergraduate, which his experience +enabled him to dispose of (with considerable interest) to the most +credulous members of the generations of Freshmen who came up after him. +Perhaps no Freshman had ever gone through a more severe course of +hoaxing--to survive it--than Mr. Verdant Green; and yet, by a system of +retaliation, only paralleled by the quadrupedal case of the +before-mentioned elephant, and the biped-beadle case of the illustrious +Mr. Bumble, who after having his own ears boxed by the late Mrs. Corney, +relieved his feelings by boxing the ears of the small boy who opened the +gate for him,--our hero took the greatest delight in seeking every +opportunity to play off upon a Freshman some one of those numerous +hoaxes which had been so successfully practised on himself. And while, +in referring to the early part of his University career, he omitted all +mention of such anecdotes as displayed his own personal credulity in the +strongest light--which anecdotes the faithful historian has thought fit +to record,--he, nevertheless, dwelt with extreme pleasure on the +reminiscences of a few isolated facts, in which he himself appeared in +the character of the hoaxer. + +These facts, when neatly garnished with a little fiction, made very +palatable dishes for University entertainment, and were served up by our +hero, when he went "down into the country," to select parties of +relatives and friends (N.B.--Females preferred). On such occasions, the +following hoax formed Mr. Verdant Green's _pièce de résistance_. + +FOOTNOTES: + +[1] Horace, Ep. Lib. I. ii., 69. + + + + +CHAPTER II. + +MR. VERDANT GREEN DOES AS HE HAS BEEN DONE BY. + + +One morning, Mr. Verdant Green and Mr. Bouncer were lounging in the +venerable gateway of Brazenface. The former gentleman, being of an +amiable, tame-rabbit-keeping disposition, was making himself very happy +by whistling popular airs to the Porter's pet bullfinch, who was +laboriously engaged on a small tread-mill, winding up his private supply +of water. Mr. Bouncer, being of a more volatile temperament, was amusing +himself by asking the Porter's opinion on the foreign policy of Great +Britain, and by making very audible remarks on the passers-by. His +attention was at length riveted by the appearance on the other side of +the street, of a modest-looking young gentleman, who appeared to be so +ill at ease in his frock-coat and "stick-up" collars, as to lead to the +strong presumption that he wore those articles of manly dress for the +first time. + +"I'll bet you a bottle of blacking, Giglamps," said little Mr. Bouncer, +as he directed our hero's attention to the stranger, "that this +respected party is an intending Freshman. Look at his customary suits of +solemn black, as Othello, or Hamlet, or some other swell, says in +Shakspeare. And, besides his black go-to-meeting bags, please to +observe," continued the little gentleman, in the tone of a wax-work +showman; "please to hobserve the pecooliarity hof the hair-chain, +likewise the straps of the period. Look! he's coming this way. Giglamps, +I vote we take a rise out of the youth. Hem! Good morning! Can we have +the pleasure of assisting you in anything." + +"Yes, sir! thank you, sir," replied the youthful stranger, who was +flushing like a girl up to the very roots of his curly, auburn hair; +"perhaps, sir, you can direct me to Brazenface College, sir?"' + +"Well, sir! it's not at all improbable, sir, but what I could, sir;" +replied Mr. Bouncer; "but, perhaps, sir, you'll first favour me with +your name, and your business there, sir." + +"Certainly, sir!" rejoined the stranger; and, while he fumbled at his +card-case, the experienced Mr. Bouncer whispered to our hero, "Told you +he was a sucking Freshman, Giglamps! He has got a bran new card-case, +and says 'sir' at the sight of the academicals." The card handed to Mr. +Bouncer, bore the name of "MR. JAMES PUCKER;" and, in smaller characters +in the corner of the card, were the words, "_Brazenface College, +Oxford_." + +"I came, sir," said the blushing Mr. Pucker, "to enter for my +matriculation examination, and I wished to see the gentleman who will +have to examine me, sir." + +"The doose you do!" said Mr. Bouncer sternly; "then young, man, allow me +to say, that you've regularly been and gone and done it, and put your +foot in it most completely." + +"How-ow-ow, how, sir?" stammered the dupe. + +"How?" replied Mr. Bouncer, still more sternly; "do you mean to brazen +out your offence by asking how? What _could_ have induced you, sir, to +have had printed on this card the name of this College, when you've not +a prospect of belonging to it--it may be for years, it may be for never, +as the bard says. You've committed a most grievous offence against the +University statutes, young gentleman; and so this gentleman here--Mr. +Pluckem, the junior examiner--will tell you!" and with that, little Mr. +Bouncer nudged Mr. Verdant Green, who took his cue with astonishing +aptitude, and glared through his glasses at the trembling Mr. Pucker, +who stood blushing, and bowing, and heartily repenting that his +school-boy vanity had led him to invest four-and-sixpence in "100 cards, +and plate, engraved with name and address." + +"Put the cards in your pocket, sir, and don't let me see them again!" +said our hero in his newly-confirmed title of the junior examiner; quite +rejoiced at the opportunity afforded him of proving to his friend that +_he_ was no longer a Freshman. + +"He forgives you for the sake of your family, young man!" said Mr. +Bouncer with pathos; "you've come to the right shop, for _this_ is +Brazenface; and you've come just at the right time, for here is the +gentleman who will assist Mr. Pluckem in examining you;" and Mr. Bouncer +pointed to Mr. Four-in-hand Fosbrooke, who was coming up the street on +his way from the Schools, where he was making a very laudable (but as it +proved, futile) endeavour "to get through his smalls," or, in other +words, to pass his Little-go examination. The hoax which had been +suggested to the ingenious mind of Mr. Bouncer, was based upon the fact +of Mr. Fosbrooke's being properly got-up for his sacrifice in a white +tie, and a pair of very small bands--the two articles, which, with the +usual academicals, form the costume demanded by Alma Mater of all her +children when they take their places in her Schools. And, as Mr. +Fosbrooke was far too politic a gentleman to irritate the Examiners by +appearing in a "loud" or sporting costume, he had carried out the idea +of clerical character suggested by the bands and choker, by a quiet, +gentlemanly suit of black, which, he had fondly hoped, would have +softened his Examiners' manners, and not permitted them to be brutal. + +Mr. Four-in-hand Fosbrooke, therefore, to the unsophisticated eye of the +blushing Mr. Pucker, presented a very fine specimen of the Examining +Tutor; and this impression on Mr. Pucker's mind was heightened by Mr. +Fosbrooke, after a few minutes' private conversation with the other two +gentlemen, turning to him, and saying, "It will be extremely +inconvenient to me to examine you now; but as you probably wish to +return home as soon as possible, I will endeavour to conclude the +business at once--this gentleman, Mr. Pluckem," pointing to our hero, +"having kindly promised to assist me. Mr. Bouncer, will you have the +goodness to follow with the young gentleman to my rooms?" + +Leaving Mr. Pucker to express his thanks for this great kindness, and +Mr. Bouncer to plunge him into the depths of trepidation by telling him +terrible _stories_ of the Examiner's fondness for rejecting the +candidates for examination, Mr. Fosbrooke and our hero ascended to the +rooms of the former, where they hastily cleared away cigar-boxes and +pipes, turned certain French pictures with their faces to the wall, and +covered over with an outspread _Times_ a regiment of porter and spirit +bottles which had just been smuggled in, and were drawn up rank-and-file +on the sofa. Having made this preparation, and furnished the table with +pens, ink, and scribble-paper, Mr. Bouncer and the victim were admitted. + +"Take a seat, sir," said Mr. Fosbrooke, gravely; and Mr. Pucker put his +hat on the ground, and sat down at the table in a state of blushing +nervousness. "Have you been at a public school?" + +"Yes, sir," stammered the victim; "a very public one, sir; it was a +boarding-school, sir; forty boarders, and thirty day-boys, sir; I was a +day-boy, sir, and in the first class." + +"First class of an uncommon slow train!" muttered Mr. Bouncer. + +"And are you going back to the boarding-school?" asked Mr. Verdant +Green, with the air of an assistant judge. + +"No, sir," replied Mr. Pucker, "I have just done with it; quite done +with school, sir, this last half; and papa is going to put me to read +with a clergyman until it is time for me to come to college." + +"Refreshing innocence!" murmured Mr. Bouncer; while Mr. Fosbrooke and +our hero conferred together, and hastily wrote on two sheets of the +scribble-paper. + +[Illustration] + +"Now, sir," said Mr. Fosbrooke to the victim, after a paper had been +completed, "let us see what your Latin writing is like. Have the +goodness to turn what I have written into Latin; and be very careful, +sir," added Mr. Fosbrooke, sternly, "be very careful that it is Cicero's +Latin, sir!" and he handed Mr. Pucker a sheet of paper, on which he had +scribbled the following: + + "To be Translated into Prose-y Latin, in the Manner of + Cicero's Orations after Dinner. + + "If, therefore, any on your bench, my luds, or in this assembly, + should entertain an opinion that the proximate parts of a + mellifluous mind are for ever conjoined and unconnected, I submit + to you, my luds, that it will of necessity follow, that such + clandestine conduct being a mere nothing,--or, in the noble + language of our philosophers, bosh,--every individual act of overt + misunderstanding will bring interminable limits to the empiricism + of thought, and will rebound in the very lowest degree to the + credit of the malefactor." + + "To be Turned into Latin after the Master of the Animals + of Tacitus. + + "She went into the garden to cut a cabbage to make an apple-pie. + Just then, a great she-bear coming down the street, poked its nose + into the shop-window. 'What! no soap!' So he died, and she (very + imprudently) married the barber. And there were present at the + wedding the Joblillies, and the Piccannies, and the Gobelites, and + the great Panjandrum himself, with the little button on top. So + they all set to playing Catch-who-catch-can, till the gunpowder + ran out at the heels of their boots." + +It was well for the purposes of the hoaxers that Mr. Pucker's +trepidation prevented him from making a calm perusal of the paper; and +he was nervously doing his best to turn the nonsensical English word by +word into equally nonsensical Latin, when his limited powers of Latin +writing were brought to a full stop by the untranslateable word "Bosh." +As he could make nothing of this, he wiped the perspiration from his +forehead, and gazed appealingly at the benignant features of Mr. Verdant +Green. The appealing gaze was answered by our hero ordering Mr. Pucker +to hand in his paper for examination, and to endeavour to answer the +questions which he and his brother examiner had been writing down for +him. + +Mr. Pucker took the two papers of questions, and read as follows: + +"HISTORY. + + "1. Draw a historical parallel (after the manner of Plutarch) + between Hannibal and Annie Laurie. + + "2. What internal evidence does the Odyssey afford, that Homer + sold his Trojan war-ballads at three yards an obolus? + + "3. Show the strong presumption there is, that Nox was the god of + battles. + + "4. State reasons for presuming that the practice of lithography + may be traced back to the time of Perseus and the Gorgon's head. + + "5. In what way were the shades on the banks of the Styx supplied + with spirits? + + "6. Show the probability of the College Hornpipe having been used + by the students of the Academia; and give passages from Thucydides + and Tennyson in support of your answer. + + "7. Give a brief account of the Roman Emperors who visited the + United States, and state what they did there. + + "8. Show from the redundancy of the word [Greek: gas] in + Sophocles, that gas must have been used by the Athenians; also + state, if the expression [Greek: oi Bharbaroi] would seem to + signify that they were close shavers. + + 9. Show from the-words 'Hoc erat in votis,' (Sat. VI., Lib. II.,) + that Horace's favourite wine was hock, and that he meant to say + 'he always voted for hock.' + + "10. Draw a parallel between the Children in the Wood and Achilles + in the Styx. + + "11. When it is stated that Ariadne, being deserted by Theseus, + fell in love with Bacchus, is it the poetical way of asserting + that she took to drinking to drown her grief? + + "12. Name the _prima donnas_ who have appeared in the operas of + Virgil and Horace since the 'Virgilii Opera,' and 'Horatii Opera' + were composed." + +"EUCLID, ARITHMETIC, and ALGEBRA. + + "1. 'The extremities of a line are points.' Prove this by the rule + of railways. + + "2. Show the fallacy of defining an angle, as 'a worm at one end + and a fool at the other.' + + "3. If one side of a triangle be produced, what is there to + prevent the other two sides from also being brought forward? + + "4. Let A and B be squares having their respective boundaries in E + and W. ends, and let C and D be circles moving in them; the circle + D will be superior to the circle C. + + "5. In equal circles, equal figures from various squares will + stand upon the same footing. + + "6. If two parts of a circle fall out, the one part will cut the + other. + + "7. Describe a square which shall be larger than Belgrave Square. + + "8. If the gnomon of a sun-dial be divided into two equal, and + also into two unequal parts, what would be its value? + + "9. Describe a perpendicular triangle having the squares of the + semi-circle equal to half the extremity between the points of + section. + + "10. If an Austrian florin is worth 5.61 francs, what will be the + value of Pennsylvanian bonds? Prove by rule-of-three inverse. + + "11. If seven horses eat twenty-five acres of grass in three days, + what will be their condition on the fourth day? Prove by practice. + + "12. If a coach-wheel, 6-5/30 in diameter and 5-9/47 in + circumference, makes 240-4/10 revolutions in a second, how many + men will it take to do the same piece of work in ten days? + + "13. Find the greatest common measure of a quart bottle of Oxford + port. + + "14. Find the value of a 'bob,' a 'tanner,' a 'joey,' and a + 'tizzy.' + + "15. Explain the common denominators 'brick,' 'trump,' 'spoon,' + 'muff,' and state what was the greatest common denominator in the + last term. + + "16. Reduce two academical years to their lowest terms. + + "17. Reduce a Christ Church tuft to the level of a Teddy Hall man. + + "18. If a freshman A have any mouth _x_, and a bottle of wine _y_, + show how many applications of _x_ to _y_ will place _y_+_y_ before + _A_." + +Mr. Pucker did not know what to make of such extraordinary and +unexpected questions. He blushed, attempted to write, fingered his +curls, tried to collect his faculties, and then appeared to give himself +over to despair; whereupon little Mr. Bouncer was seized with an +immoderate fit of coughing which had well nigh brought the farce to its +_dénouement_. + +"I'm afraid, young gentleman," said Mr. Four-in-hand Fosbrooke, as he +carelessly settled his white tie and bands, "I am afraid, Mr. Pucker, +that your learning is not yet up to the Brazenface standard. We are +particularly cautious about admitting any gentleman whose acquirements +are not of the highest order. But we will be as lenient to you as we are +able, and give you one more chance to retrieve yourself. We will try a +little _vivâ voce_, Mr. Pucker. Perhaps, sir, you will favour me with +your opinions on the Fourth Punic War, and will also give me a slight +sketch of the constitution of ancient Heliopolis." + +Mr. Pucker waxed, if possible, redder and hotter than before, he gasped +like a fish out of water; and, like Dryden's prince, "unable to conceal +his pain," he + + "Sigh'd and look'd, sigh'd and look'd, + Sigh'd and look'd, and sigh'd again." + +But all was to no purpose: he was unable to frame an answer to Mr. +Fosbrooke's questions. + +"Ah, sir," continued his tormentor, "I see that you will not do for us +yet awhile, and I am therefore under the painful necessity of rejecting +you. I should advise you, sir, to read hard for another twelvemonths, +and endeavour to master those subjects in which you have now failed. +For, a young man, Mr. Pucker, who knows nothing about the Fourth Punic +War, and the constitution of ancient Heliopolis, is quite unfit to be +enrolled among the members of such a learned college as Brazenface. Mr. +Pluckem quite coincides with me in this decision." (Here Mr. Verdant +Green gave a Burleigh nod.) "We feel very sorry for you, Mr. Pucker, and +also for your unfortunate family; but we recommend you to add to your +present stock of knowledge, and to keep those visiting-cards for another +twelvemonth." And Mr. Fosbrooke and our hero--disregarding poor Mr. +Pucker's entreaties that they would consider his pa and ma, and would +please to matriculate him this once, and he would read very hard, indeed +he would--turned to Mr. Bouncer and gave some private instructions, +which caused that gentleman immediately to vanish, and seek out Mr. +Robert Filcher. + +Five minutes after, that excellent Scout met the dejected Mr. Pucker as +he was crossing the Quad on his way from Mr. Fosbrooke's rooms. + +"Beg your pardon, sir," said Mr. Filcher, touching his forehead; for, +as Mr. Filcher, after the manner of his tribe, never was seen in a +head-covering, he was unable to raise his hat or cap; "beg your pardon, +sir! but was you a lookin' for the party as examines the young gents for +their matrickylation?" + +"Eh?--no! I have just come from him," replied Mr. Pucker, dolefully. + +[Illustration] + +"Beg your pardon, sir," remarked Mr. Filcher, "but his rooms ain't that +way at all. Mr. Slowcoach, as is the party you _ought_ to have seed, has +_his_ rooms quite in a hopposite direction, sir; and he's the honly +party as examines the matrickylatin' gents." + +"But I _have_ been examined," observed Mr. Pucker, with the air of a +plucked man; "and I am sorry to say that I was rejected, and"---- + +"I dessay, sir," interrupted Mr. Filcher; "but I think it's a 'oax, +sir!" + +"A what?" stammered Mr. Pucker. + +"A 'oax--a sell;" replied the Scout, confidentially. "You see, sir, I +think some of the gents have been makin' a little game of you, sir; they +often does with fresh parties like you, sir, that seem fresh and +hinnocent like; and I dessay they've been makin' believe to examine you, +sir, and a pretendin' that you wasn't clever enough. But they don't mean +no harm, sir; it's only their play, bless you!" + +"Then," said Mr. Pucker, whose countenance had been gradually clearing +with every word the Scout spoke; "then I'm not really rejected, but have +still a chance of passing my examination?" + +"Percisely so, sir," replied Mr. Filcher; "and--hexcuse me, sir, for a +hintin' of it to you,--but, if you would let me adwise you, sir, you +wouldn't go for to mention anythin' about the 'oax to Mr. Slowcoach; +_he_ wouldn't be pleased, sir, and _you'd_ only get laughed at. If you +like to go to him now, sir, I know he's in his rooms, and I'll show you +the way there with the greatest of pleasure." + +Mr. Pucker, immensely relieved in mind, gladly put himself under the +Scout's guidance, and was admitted into the presence of Mr. Slowcoach. +In twenty minutes after this he issued from the examining tutor's rooms +with a joyful countenance, and again encountered Mr. Robert Filcher. + +"Hope you've done the job this time, sir," said the Scout. + +"Yes," replied the radiant Mr. Pucker; "and at two o'clock I am to see +the Vice-chancellor; and I shall be able to come to college this time +next year." + +"Werry glad of it, indeed, sir!" observed Mr. Filcher, with genuine +emotion, and an eye to future perquisites; "and I suppose, sir, you +didn't say a word about the 'oax?" + +"Not a word!" replied Mr. Pucker. + +"Then, sir," said Mr. Filcher, with enthusiasm, "hexcuse me, but you're +a trump, sir! And Mr. Fosbrooke's compliments to you, sir, and he'll be +'appy if you'll come up into his rooms, and take a glass of wine after +the fatigues of the examination. And,--hexcuse me again, sir, for a +hintin' of it to you, but of course you can't be aweer of the customs of +the place, unless somebody tells you on 'em,--I shall be werry glad to +drink your werry good health, sir." + +Need it be stated that the blushing Mr. Pucker, delirious with joy at +the sudden change in the state of affairs, and the delightful prospect +of being a member of the University, not only tipped Mr. Filcher a +five-shilling piece, but also paid a second visit to Mr. Fosbrooke's +rooms, where he found that gentleman in his usual costume, and by him +was introduced to the Mr. Pluckem, who now bore the name of Mr. Verdant +Green? Need it be stated that the nervous Mr. Pucker blushed and +laughed, and laughed and blushed, while his two pseudo-examiners took +wine with him in the most friendly manner; Mr. Bouncer pronouncing him +to be "an out-and-outer, and no mistake!" And need it be stated that, +after this undergraduate display of hoaxing, Mr. Verdant Green would +feel exceedingly offended were he still to be called "an Oxford +Freshman"? + + + + +CHAPTER III. + +MR. VERDANT GREEN ENDEAVOURS TO KEEP HIS SPIRITS UP BY POURING SPIRITS +DOWN. + + +It was the evening of the fifth of November; the day which the +Protestant youth of England dedicate to the memory of that martyr of +gunpowder, the firework Faux, and which the youth of Oxford, by a three +months' anticipation of the calendar, devote to the celebration of those +scholastic sports for which the day of St. Scholastica the Virgin was +once so famous.[2] + +Rumour with its hundred tongues had spread far and wide the news, that a +more than ordinary demonstration would be made of the might of Town, and +that this demonstration would be met by a corresponding increase of +prowess on the side of Gown. It was darkly whispered that the purlieus +of Jericho would send forth champions to the fight. It was mentioned +that the Parish of St. Thomas would be powerfully represented by its +Bargee lodgers. It was confidently reported that St. Aldate's[3] would +come forth in all its olden strength. It was told as a fact that St. +Clement's had departed from the spirit of clemency, and was up in arms. +From an early hour of the evening, the Townsmen had gathered in +threatening groups; and their determined aspect, and words of chaff, had +told of the coming storm. It was to be a tremendous Town and Gown! + +The Poet has forcibly observed-- + + "Strange that there should such diff'rence be, + 'Twixt Tweedledum and Tweedledee!" + +But the difference between Town and Gown, is not to be classed with the +Tweedledum and Tweedledee difference. It is something more than a mere +difference of two letters. The lettered Gown lorded it over the +unlettered Town: the plebeian Town was perpetually snubbed by the +aristocratic Gown. If Gown even wished to associate with Town, he could +only do so under certain restrictions imposed by the statutes; and Town +was thus made to feel exceedingly honoured by the gracious condescension +of Gown. But Town, moreover, maintained its existence, that it might +contribute to the pleasure and amusements, the needs and necessities, of +Gown. And very expensively was Town occasionally made to pay for its +existence; so expensively indeed, that if it had not been for the great +interest which Town assumed on Gown's account, the former's +business-life would have soon failed. But, on many accounts, or rather, +_in_ many accounts, Gown was deeply indebted to Town; and, although Gown +was often loth to own the obligation, yet Town never forgot it, but +always placed it to Gown's credit. Occasionally, in his early freshness, +Gown would seek to compensate Town for his obliging favours; but Town +would gently run counter to this wish, and preferred that the evidences +of Gown's friendly intercourse with him should accumulate, until he +could, with renewed interest (as we understand from the authority of an +aged pun), obtain his payments by Degrees. + +When Gown was absent, Town was miserable: it was dull; it did nothing; +it lost its customer-y application to business. When Gown returned, +there was no small change,--the benefit was a sovereign one to Town. +Notes, too, passed between them; of which, those received by Town were +occasionally of intrinsic value. Town thanked Gown for these,--even +thanked him when his civility had only been met by checks,--and +smirked, and fawned, and flattered; and Gown patronised Town, and was +offensively condescending. What a relief then must it have been to the +pent-up feelings of Town, when the Saturnalia of a Guy-Faux day brought +its usual license, and Town could stand up against Gown and try a game +of fisticuffs! And if, when there was a cry "To arms!" we could always +settle the dispute in an English fashion with those arms with which we +have been supplied by nature, there would then, perhaps, be fewer +weeping widows and desolate orphans in the world than there are just at +present. + +On the evening of the fifth of November, then, Mr. Bouncer's rooms were +occupied by a wine-party; and, among the gentlemen assembled, we noticed +(as newspaper reporters say), Mr. Verdant Green, Mr. Charles Larkyns, +Mr. Fosbrooke, Mr. Smalls, and Mr. Blades. The table was liberally +supplied with wine; and a "desert at eighteen-pence per head,"--as Mr. +Bouncer would afterwards be informed through the medium of his +confectioner's bill;--and, while an animated conversation was being held +on the expected Town and Gown, the party were fortifying themselves for +the _émeute_ by a rapid consumption of the liquids before them. Our +hero, and some of the younger ones of the party, who had not yet left +off their juvenile likings, were hard at work at the dessert in that +delightful, disregardless-of-dyspepsia manner, in which boys so love to +indulge, even when they have passed into University _men_. As usual, +the _bouquet_ of the wine was somewhat interfered with by those narcotic +odours, which, to a smoker, are as the gales of Araby the Blest. + +Mr. Blades was conspicuous among the party, not only from his +dimensions,--or, as he phrased it, from "his breadth of beam,"--but also +from his free-and-easy costume. "To get himself into wind," as he +alleged, Mr. Blades had just been knocking the wind out of the +Honourable Flexible Shanks (youngest son of the Earl of Buttonhole), a +Tuft from Christ Church, who had left his luxurious rooms in the +Canterbury Quad chiefly for the purpose of preparing himself for the +forthcoming Town and Gown, by putting on the gloves with his boating +friend. The bout having terminated by Mr. Flexible Shanks having been +sent backwards into a tray of wine-glasses with which Mr. Filcher was +just entering the room, the gloves were put aside, and the combatants +had an amicable set-to at a bottle of Carbonell's "Forty-four," which +Mr. Bouncer brought out of a wine-closet in his bedroom for their +especial delectation. Mr. Blades, who was of opinion that, in dress, +ease should always be consulted before elegance, had not resumed that +part of his attire of which he had divested himself for fistianic +purposes; and, with a greater display of linen than is usually to be +seen in society, was seated comfortably in a lounging chair, smoking the +pipe of peace. Since he had achieved the proud feat of placing the +Brazenface boat at the head of the river, Mr. Blades had gained +increased renown, more especially in his own college, where he was +regarded in the light of a tutelary river deity; and, as training was +not going on, he was now enabled to indulge in a second glass of wine, +and also in the luxury of a cigar. Mr. Blades's shirt-sleeves were +turned up so as to display the anatomical proportion of his arms; and +little Mr. Bouncer, with the grave aspect of a doctor feeling a pulse, +was engaged in fingering his deltoid and biceps muscles, and in uttering +panegyrics on his friend's torso-of-Hercules condition. + +"My gum, Billy!" (it must be observed, _en passant_, that, although the +name given to Mr. Blades at an early age was Frank, yet that when he was +not called "old Blades," he was always addressed as "Billy,"--it being a +custom which has obtained in universities, that wrong names should be +familiarly given to certain gentlemen, more as a mark of friendly +intimacy than of derision or caprice.) "My gum, Billy!" observed Mr. +Bouncer, "you're as hard as nails! What an extensive assortment of +muscles you've got on hand,--to say nothing about the arms. I wish I'd +got such a good stock in trade for our customers to-night; I'd soon +sarve 'em out, and make 'em sing peccavi." + +"The fact is," said Mr. Flexible Shanks, who was leaning smoking against +the mantelpiece behind him, "Billy is like a respectable family of +bivalves--he is nothing but mussels." + +"Or like an old Turk," joined in Mr. Bouncer, "for he's a regular +Mussulman." + +"Oh! Shanks! Bouncer!" cried Charles Larkyns, "what stale jokes! Do open +the window, somebody,--it's really offensive." + +"Ah!" said Mr. Blades, modestly, "you only just wait till Footelights +brings the Pet, and then you'll see real muscles." + +"It was rather a good move," said Mr. Cheke, a gentleman commoner of +Corpus, who was lounging in an easy chair smoking a meerschaum through +an elastic tube a yard long,--"it was rather a good move of yours, +Fossy," he said, addressing himself to Mr. Four-in-hand Fosbrooke, "to +secure the Pet's services. The feller will do us some service, and will +astonish the _oi polloi_ no end." + +"Oh! how prime it _will_ be," cried little Mr. Bouncer, in ecstacies +with the prospect before him, "to see the Pet pitching into the cads, +and walking into their small affections with his one, two, three! And +don't I just pity them when he gets them into Chancery! Were you ever in +Chancery, Giglamps?" + +"No, indeed!" replied the innocent Mr. Verdant Green; "and I hope that I +shall always keep out of it; lawsuits are so very disagreeable and +expensive." + +[Illustration] + +Mr. Bouncer had only time to remark _sotto voce_ to Mr. Flexible Shanks, +"it is so jolly refreshing to take a rise out of old Giglamps!" when a +knock at the oak was heard; and, as Mr. Bouncer roared out, "Come in!" +the knocker entered. He was rather dressy in his style of costume, and +wore his long dark hair parted in the middle. Opening the door, and +striking into an attitude, he exclaimed in a theatrical tone and manner: +"Scene, Mr. Bouncer's rooms in Brazenface: in the centre a table, at +which Mr. B. and party are discovered drinking log-juice, and smoking +cabbage-leaves. Door, left, third entrance; enter the Putney Pet. Slow +music; lights half-down." And standing on one side, the speaker motioned +to a second gentleman to enter the room. + +There was no mistaking the profession of this gentleman; even the +inexperience of Mr. Verdant Green did not require to be informed that +the Putney Pet was a prizefighter. "Bruiser" was plainly written in his +personal appearance, from his hard-featured, low-browed, battered, +hang-dog face, to his thickset frame, and the powerful muscular +development of the upper part of his person. His close-cropped thatch of +hair was brushed down tightly to his head, but was permitted to burst +into the luxuriance of two small ringlets, which dangled in front of +each huge ear, and were as carefully curled and oiled as though they had +graced the face of beauty. The Pet was attired in a dark olive-green +cutaway coat, buttoned over a waistcoat of a violent-coloured plaid,--a +pair of white cord trousers that fitted tightly to the leg,--and a +white-spotted blue handkerchief, which was twisted round a neck that +might have served as a model for the Minotaur's. In his mouth, the Pet +cherished, according to his wont, a sprig of parsley; small fragments of +which herb he was accustomed to chew and spit out, as a pleasing relief +to the monotony of conversation. + +The Pet, after having been proclaimed victor in more than one of those +playfully frolicsome "Frolics of the Fancy," in which nobly born but +ignobly-minded "Corinthians" formerly invested so much interest and +money, had at length matched his powers against the gentleman who bore +the title of "the champion of the ring;" but, after a protracted contest +of two hours and a half, in which one hundred and nineteen rounds had +been fought, the Pet's eyes had been completely closed up by an amusing +series of blows from the heavy fists of the more skilful champion; and +as the Pet, moreover, was so battered and bruised, and was altogether so +"groggy" that he was barely able to stand up to be knocked down, his +humane second had thrown up the sponge in acknowledgment of his defeat. +But though unable to deprive the champion of his belt, yet--as +_Tintinnabulum's Life_ informed its readers on the following Sunday, in +its report of this "matchless encounter,"--the Putney Pet had +"established a reputation;" and a reputation is a reputation, even +though it be one which may be offensive to the nostrils. Retiring, +therefore, from the more active public-duties of his profession, he took +unto himself a wife and a beershop,--for it seems to be a freak of "the +Fancy," when they retire from one public line to go into another,--and +placing the former in charge of the latter, the Pet came forth to the +world as a "Professor of the noble art of Self-defence." + +It was in this phase of his existence, that Mr. Fosbrooke had the +pleasure of forming his acquaintance. Mr. Fosbrooke had received a card, +which intimated that the Pet would have great pleasure in giving him +"_lessons in the noble and manly art of Self-defence, either at the +gentleman's own residence, or at the Pet's spacious Sparring Academy, 5, +Cribb Court, Drury Lane, which is fitted up with every regard to the +comfort and convenience of his pupils. Gloves are provided. +N.B.--Ratting sports at the above crib every evening. Plenty of rats +always on hand. Use of the Pit gratis._" Mr. Fosbrooke, having come to +the wise conclusion that every Englishman ought to know how to be able +to use his fists in case of need, and being quite of the opinion of the +gentleman who said:--"my son should even learn to box, for do we not +meet with imposing toll-keepers, and insolent cabmen? and, as he can't +call them out, he should be able to knock them down,"[4] at once put +himself under the Pet's tuition; and, as we have before seen, still kept +up his practice with the gloves, when he had got to his own rooms at +Brazenface. + +But the Pet had other Oxford pupils than Mr. Fosbrooke; and he took such +an affectionate interest in their welfare, that he came down from Town +two or three times in each term, to see if his pupils' practice had made +them perfect in the art. One of the Pet's pupils, was the gentleman who +had now introduced him to Mr. Bouncer's rooms. His name was Foote, but +he was commonly called "Footelights;" the addition having been made to +his name by way of _sobriquet_ to express his unusual fondness for the +stage, which amounted to so great a passion, that his very conversation +was redolent of "the footlights." He had only been at St. John's a +couple of terms, and Mr. Fosbrooke had picked up his acquaintance +through the medium of the Pet, and had afterwards made him known to most +of the men who were now assembled at Mr. Bouncer's wine. + +"Your servant, gents!" said the Pet, touching his forehead, and making a +scrape with his leg, by way of salutation. + +"Hullo, Pet!" returned Mr. Bouncer; "bring yourself to an anchor, my +man." The Pet accordingly anchored himself by dropping on to the edge +of a chair, and placing his hat underneath it; while Huz and Buz smelt +suspiciously round his legs, and looked at him with an expression of +countenance which bore a wonderful resemblance to that which they gazed +upon. + +"Never mind the dogs; they're amiable little beggars," observed Mr. +Bouncer, "and they never bite any one except in play. Now then, Pet, +what sort of liquors are you given to? Here are Claret liquors, Port +liquors, Sherry liquors, egg-flip liquors, Cup liquors. You pays your +money, and you takes your choice!" + +"Well, sir, thankee!" replied the Pet, "I ain't no ways pertikler, but if +you _have_ sich a thing as a glass o' sperrits, I'd prefer that--if not +objectionable." + +"In course not, Pet! always call for what you like. We keep all sorts of +liquors, and are allowed to get drunk on the premises. Ain't we, +Giglamps?" Firing this raking shot as he passed our hero, little Mr. +Bouncer dived into the cupboard which served as his wine-bin, and +brought therefrom two bottles of brandy and whiskey which he set before +the Pet. "If you like gin or rum, or cherry-brandy, or old-tom, better +than these liquors," said Mr. Bouncer, astonishing the Pet with the +resources of a College wine-cellar, "just say the word, and you shall +have them. 'I can call spirits from the vasty deep;' as Shikspur says. +How will you take it, Pet? Neat, or adulterated? Are you for _callidum +cum_, or _frigidum sine_--for hot-with, or cold-without?" + +"I generally takes my sperrits 'ot, sir--if not objectionable;" replied +the Pet deferentially. Whereupon Mr. Bouncer seizing his +speaking-trumpet, roared through it from the top of the stairs, +"Rob-ert! Rob-ert!" But, as Mr. Filcher did not answer the summons, Mr. +Bouncer threw up the window of his room, and bellowed out "Rob-ert" in +tones which must have been perfectly audible in the High Street. "Doose +take the feller, he's always over at the Buttery;" said the incensed +gentleman. + +"I'll go up to old Sloe's room, and get his kettle," said Mr. Smalls; +"he teas all day long to keep himself awake for reading. If he don't +mind, he'll blow himself up with his gunpowder tea before he can take +his double-first." + +By the time Mr. Smalls had re-appeared with the kettle, Mr. Filcher had +thought it prudent to answer his master's summons. + +"Did you call, sir?" asked the Scout, as though he was doubtful on that +point. + +"Call!" said Mr. Bouncer, with great irony; "oh, no! of course not! I +should rather think not! Do you suppose that you are kept here that +parties may have the chance of hollering out their lungs for you? Don't +answer me, sir! but get some hot water, and some more glasses; and be +quick about it." Mr. Filcher was gone immediately; and, in three +minutes, everything was settled to Mr. Bouncer's satisfaction, and he +gave Mr. Filcher farther orders to bring up coffee and anchovy toast, at +half-past eight o'clock. "Now, Pet, my beauty!" said the little +gentleman, "you just walk into the liquors; because you've got some +toughish work before you, you know." + +[Illustration] + +The Pet did not require any pressing, but did as he was told; and, +bestowing a collective nod on the company, drank their healths with the +prefatory remark, "I looks to-_wards_ you gents!" + +"Will you poke a smipe, Pet?" asked Mr. Bouncer, rather enigmatically; +but, as he at the same time placed before the Pet a "yard of clay" and a +box of cigars, the professor of the art of self-defence perceived that +he was asked to smoke a pipe. + +"That's right, Pet!" said the Honourable Flexible Shanks, +condescendingly, as the prizefighter scientifically filled the bowl of +his pipe; "I'm glad to see you join us in a bit of smoke. We're all +_Baccy_-nalians now!" + +"Shanks, you're incorrigible!" said Charles Larkyns; "and don't you +remember what _the Oxford Parodies_ say?" and, in his clear, rich voice, +Mr. Larkyns sang the two following verses to the air of "Love not:"-- + + Smoke not, smoke not, your weeds nor pipes of clay! + Cigars they are made from leaves of cauliflowers;-- + Things that are doomed no duty e'er to pay;-- + Grown, made, and smoked in a few short hours. + Smoke not--smoke not! + + Smoke not, smoke not, the weed you smoke may change + The healthfulness of your stomachic tone; + Things to the eye grow queer and passing strange; + All thoughts seem undefined--save one--to be alone! + Smoke not--smoke not! + +"I know what you're thinking about, Giglamps," said Mr. Bouncer, as +Charles Larkyns ceased his parody amid an approving clatter of glasses; +"you were thinking of your first weed on the night of Small's quiet +party: wer'nt you now, old feller? Ah, you've learnt to poke a smipe, +beautiful, since then. Pet, here's your health. I'll give you a toast +and sentiment, gentlemen. May the Gown give the Town a jolly good +hiding!" The sentiment was received with great applause, and the toast +was drunk with all the honours, and followed by the customary but +inappropriate chorus, "For he's a jolly good fellow!" without the +singing of which Mr. Bouncer could not allow any toast to pass. + +"How many cads could you lick at once, one off and the other on?" asked +Mr. Fosbrooke of the Pet, with the air of Boswell when he wanted to draw +out the Doctor. + +"Well, sir," said the Pet, with the modesty of true genius, "I wouldn't +be pertickler to a score or so, as long as I'd got my back well up agin +some'ut, and could hit out." + +"What an effective tableau it would be!" observed Mr. Foote, who had +always an eye to dramatic situations. "Enter the Pet, followed by twenty +townspeople. First T.P.--Yield, traitor! Pet--Never! the man who would +yield when ordered to do so, is unworthy the name of a Pet and an +Englishman! Floors the twenty T.P.'s one after the other. Tableau, blue +fire. Why, it would surpass the British sailor's broadsword combat for +six, and bring down the house." + +"Talking of bringing down," said Mr. Blades, "did you remember to bring +down a cap and gown for the Pet, as I told you?" + +"Well, I believe those _were_ the stage directions," answered Mr. Foote; +"but, really, the wardrobe was so ill provided that it would only supply +a cap. But perhaps that will do for a super." + +"If by a super you mean a supernumerary, Footelights," said Mr. Cheke, +the gentleman Commoner of Corpus, "then the Pet isn't one. He's the +leading character of what you would call the _dramatis personæ_." + +"True," replied Mr. Foote, "he's cast for the hero; though he will +create a new _rôle_ as the walking-into-them gentleman." + +"You see, Footelights," said Mr. Blades, "that the Pet is to lead our +forces; and we depend upon him to help us on to victory: and we must put +him into academicals, not only because the town cads must think he is +one of us, but also because the proctors might otherwise deprive us of +his services--and old Towzer, the Senior Proctor, in particular, is sure +to be all alive. Who's got an old gown?" + +"I will lend mine with pleasure," said Mr. Verdant Green. + +"But you'll want it yourself," said Mr. Blades. + +"Why, thank you," faltered our hero, "I'd rather, I think, keep within +college. I can see the--the fun--yes, the fun--from the window." + +"Oh, blow it, Giglamps!" ejaculated Mr. Bouncer, "you'll never go to do +the mean, and show the white feather, will you?" + +"Music expressive of trepidation," murmured Mr. Foote, by way of +parenthesis. + +"But," pursued our hero, apologetically, "there will be, I dare say, a +large crowd." + +"A very powerful _caste_, no doubt," observed Mr. Foote. + +"And I may get my--yes, my spectacles broken; and then"---- + +"And then, Giglamps," said Mr. Bouncer, "why, and then you shall be +presented with another pair as a testimonial of affection from yours +truly. Come, Giglamps, don't do the mean! a man of your standing, and +with a chest like that!" and the little gentleman sounded on our hero's +shirt-front, as doctors do when they stethoscope a patient. "Come, +Giglamps, old feller, you mustn't refuse. You didn't ought to was, as +Shakspeare says." + +"Pardon me! Not Shakspeare, but Wright, in the 'Green Bushes,'" +interrupted Mr. Foote, who was as painfully anxious as Mr. Payne Collier +himself that the text of the great poet should be free from corruptions. + +So Mr. Verdant Green, reluctantly, it must be confessed, suffered +himself to be persuaded to join that section of the Gown which was to be +placed under the leadership of the redoubted Pet; while little Mr. +Bouncer, who had gone up into Mr. Sloe's rooms, and had vainly +endeavoured to persuade that gentleman to join in the forthcoming +_mêlée_, returned with an undergraduate's gown, and forthwith invested +the Pet with it. + +"I don't mind this 'ere mortar-board, sir," remarked the professor of +the noble art of self-defence, as he pointed to the academical cap which +surmounted his head, "I don't mind the mortar-board, sir; but I shall +never be able to do nothink with this 'ere toggery on my shudders. I +couldn't use my mawleys no how!" And the Pet illustrated his remark in a +professional manner, by sparring at an imaginary opponent in a feeble +and unscientific fashion. + +"But you can tie the tail-curtain round your shoulders--like this!" said +Mr. Fosbrooke, as he twisted his own gown tightly round him. + +But the Pet had taken a decided objection to the drapery: "The costume +would interfere with the action," as Mr. Foote remarked, "and the +management of a train requires great practice." + +"You see, sir," said the Pet, "I ain't used to the feel of it, and I +couldn't go to business properly, or give a straight nosender no how. +But the mortar-board ain't of so much consekvence." So a compromise was +made; and it was agreed that the Pet was to wear the academicals until +he had arrived at the scene of action, where he could then pocket the +gown, and resume it on any alarm of the Proctor's approach. + +"Here, Giglamps, old feller! get a priming of fighting-powder!" said +little Mr. Bouncer to our hero, as the party were on the point of +sallying forth; "it'll make you hit out from your shoulder like a +steam-engine with the chill off." And, as Mr. Bouncer whispered to +Charles Larkyns, + + "So he kept his spirits up + By pouring spirits down," + +Verdant--who felt extremely nervous, either from excitement or from +fear, or from a pleasing mixture of both sensations--drank off a deep +draught of something which was evidently not drawn from Nature's spring +or the college pump; for it first took away his breath, and made his +eyes water; and it next made him cough, and endeavour to choke himself; +and it then made his face flush, and caused him to declare that "the +first snob who 'sulted him should have a sound whopping." + +"Brayvo, Giglamps!" cried little Mr. Bouncer, as he patted him on the +shoulder; "come along! You're the right sort of fellow for a Town and +Gown, after all!" + + + + +CHAPTER IV. + +MR. VERDANT GREEN DISCOVERS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN TOWN AND GOWN. + + +It was ten minutes past nine, and Tom,[5] with sonorous voice, was +ordering all College gates to be shut, when the wine party, which had +just left Mr. Bouncer's room, passed round the corner of St. Mary's, and +dashed across the High. The Town and Grown had already begun. + +As usual, the Town had taken the initiative; and, in a dense body, had +made their customary sweep of the High Street, driving all before them. +After this gallant exploit had been accomplished to the entire +satisfaction of the oppidans, the Town had separated into two or three +portions, which had betaken themselves to the most probable fighting +points, and had gone where glory waited them, thirsting for the blood, +or, at any rate, for the bloody noses of the gowned aristocrats. Woe +betide the luckless gownsman, who, on such an occasion, ventures abroad +without an escort, or trusts to his own unassisted powers to defend +himself! He is forthwith pounced upon by some score of valiant Townsmen, +who are on the watch for these favourable opportunities for a display of +their personal prowess, and he may consider himself very fortunate if he +is able to get back to his College with nothing worse than black eyes +and bruises. It is so seldom that the members of the Oxford snobocracy +have the privilege afforded them of using their fists on the faces and +persons of the members of the Oxford aristocracy, that when they _do_ +get the chance, they are unwilling to let it slip through their fingers. +Dark tales have, indeed, been told, of solitary and unoffending +undergraduates having, on such occasions, not only received a severe +handling from those same fingers, but also having been afterwards, +through their agency, bound by their own leading strings to the rails of +the Radcliffe, and there left ignominiously to struggle, and shout for +assistance. And darker tales still have been told of luckless Gownsmen +having been borne "leg and wing" fashion to the very banks of the Isis, +and there ducked, amidst the jeers and taunts of their persecutors. But +such tales as these are of too dreadful a nature for the conversation of +Gownsmen, and are very properly believed to be myths scandalously +propagated by the Town. + +The crescent moon shone down on Mr. Bouncer's party, and gave ample +light + + To light _them_ on _their_ prey. + +A noise and shouting,--which quickly made our hero's Bob-Acreish +resolutions ooze out at his fingers' ends,--was heard coming from the +direction of Oriel Street; and a small knot of Gownsmen, who had been +cut off from a larger body, appeared, manfully retreating with their +faces to the foe, fighting as they fell back, but driven by superior +numbers up the narrow street, by St. Mary's Hall, and past the side of +Spiers's shop into the High Street. + +[Illustration] + +"Gown to the rescue!" shouted Mr. Blades, as he dashed across the +street; "come on, Pet! here we are in the thick of it, just in the nick +of time!" and, closely followed by Charles Larkyns, Mr. Fosbrooke, Mr. +Smalls, Mr. Bouncer, Mr. Flexible Shanks, Mr. Cheke, Mr. Foote, and our +hero, and the rest of the party, they soon plunged _in medias res_. + +The movement was particularly well-timed, for the small body of Gownsmen +were beginning to get roughly handled; but the succour afforded by the +Pet and his party soon changed the aspect of affairs; and, after a brief +skirmish, there was a temporary cessation of hostilities. As +reinforcements poured in on either side, the mob which represented the +Town, wavered, and spread themselves across on each side of the High; +while a huge, lumbering bargeman, who appeared to be the generalissimo +of their forces, delivered himself of a brief but energetic speech, in +which he delivered his opinion of Gownsmen in general, and his immediate +foes in particular, in a way which would have to be expressed in proper +print chiefly by blanks, and which would have assuredly entailed upon +him a succession of five-shilling fines, had he been in a court of +justice, and before a magistrate. + +"Here's a pretty blank, I don't think!" he observed in conclusion, as he +pointed to Mr. Verdant Green, who was nervously settling his spectacles, +and wishing himself safe back in his own rooms; "I would'nt give a blank +for such a blank blank. I'm blank, if he don't look as though he'd +swaller'd a blank codfish, and had bust out into blank barnacles!" As +the Bargee was apparently regarded by his party as a gentleman of +infinite humour, his highly-flavoured blank remarks were received by +them with shouts of laughter; while our hero obtained far more of the +_digito monstrari_ share of public notice than he wished for. + +[Illustration] + +For some brief space, the warfare between the rival parties of Town and +Gown continued to be one merely of words--a mutual discharge of _epea +pteroenta_ (_vulgariter_ "chaff"), in which a small amount of sarcasm +was mingled with a large share of vituperation. At length, a slang rhyme +of peculiar offensiveness was used to a Wadham gentleman, which so +exasperated him that he immediately, by way of a forcible reply, sent +his fist full into the speaker's face. On this, a collision took place +between those who formed the outside of the crowd; and the Gowns flocked +together to charge _en masse_. Mr. Verdant Green was not quite aware of +this sudden movement, and, for a moment, was cut off from the rest. This +did not escape the eyes of the valiant Bargee, who had already singled +out our hero as the one whom he could most easily punish, with the least +chance of getting quick returns for his small profits. Forthwith, +therefore, he rushed to his victim, and aimed a heavy blow at him, which +Verdant only half avoided by stooping. Instinctively doubling his fists, +our hero found that Necessity was, indeed, the mother of Invention; and, +with a passing thought of what would be his mother's and Aunt Virginia's +feelings could they see him fighting in the public streets with a common +bargeman, he contrived to guard off the second blow. But at the next +furious lunge of the Bargee he was not quite so fortunate, and, +receiving that gentleman's heavy fist full in his forehead, he +staggered backwards, and was only prevented from measuring his length on +the pavement by falling against the iron gates of St. Mary's. The +delighted Bargee was just on the point of putting the _coup de grâce_ to +his attack, when, to Verdant's inexpressible delight and relief, his +lumbering antagonist was sent sprawling by a well-directed blow on his +right ear. Charles Larkyns, who had kept a friendly eye on our hero, had +spied his condition, and had sprung to his assistance. He was closely +followed by the Pet, who had divested himself of the gown which had +encumbered his shoulders, and was now freely striking out in all +directions. The fight had become general, and fresh combatants had +sprung up on either side. + +"Keep close to me, Verdant," said Charles Larkyns,--quite unnecessarily, +by the way, as our hero had no intention of doing otherwise until he saw +a way to escape; "keep close to me, and I'll take care you are not +hurt." + +[Illustration] + +"Here ye are!" cried the Pet, as he set his back against the stone-work +flanking the iron gates of the church, immediately in front of one of +the curiously twisted pillars of the Porch;[6] "come on, half a dozen of +ye, and let me have a rap at your smellers!" and he looked at the mob in +the "Come one, come all defiant" fashion of Fitz-James; while Charles +Larkyns and Verdant set their backs against the church gates, and +prepared for a rush. + +The Bargee came up furious, and hit out wildly at Charles Larkyns; but +science was more than a match for brute force; and, after receiving two +or three blows which caused him to shake his head in a don't-like-it +sort of way, he endeavoured to turn his attention to Mr. Verdant Green, +who, with head in air, was taking the greatest care of his spectacles, +and endeavouring to ward off the indiscriminate lunges of half a dozen +townsmen. The Bargee's charitable designs on our hero were, however, +frustrated by the opportune appearance of Mr. Blades and Mr. Cheke, the +gentleman-commoner of Corpus, who, in their turn, were closely followed +by Mr. Smalls and Mr. Flexible Shanks; and Mr. Blades exclaiming, +"There's a smasher for your ivories, my fine fellow!" followed up his +remark with a practical application of his fist to the part referred to; +whereupon the Bargee fell back with a howl, and gave vent to several +curse-ory observations, and blank remarks. + +[Illustration] + +All this time the Pet was laying about him in the most determined +manner; and, to judge from his professional observations, his scientific +acquirements were in full play. He had agreeable remarks for each of his +opponents; and, doubtless, the punishment which they received from his +stalwart arms came with more stinging force when the parts affected were +pointed out by his illustrative language. To one gentleman he would +pleasantly observe, as he tapped him on the chest, "Bellows to mend for +you, my buck!" or else, "There's a regular rib-roaster for you!" or +else, in the still more elegant imagery of the Bing, "There's a +squelcher in the bread-basket, that'll stop _your_ dancing, my kivey!" +While to another he would cheerfully remark, "Your head-rails were +loosened there, wasn't they?" or, "How about the kissing-trap?" or, +"That draws the bung from the beer-barrel I'm a thinkin'." While to +another he would say, as a fact not to be disputed, "You napp'd it +heavily on your whisker-bed, didn't you?" or, "That'll raise a tidy +mouse on your ogle, my lad!" or, "That'll take the bark from your +nozzle, and distil the Dutch pink for you, won't it?" While to another +he would mention as an interesting item of news, "Now we'll tap your +best October!" or, "There's a crack on your snuff-box!" or, "That'll +damage your potato-trap!" Or else he would kindly inquire of one +gentleman, "What d'ye ask a pint for your cochineal dye?" or would +amiably recommend another that, as his peepers were a goin' fast, he'd +best put up the shutters, because the early-closing movement ought to be +follered out. All this was done in the cheeriest manner; while, at the +same time, the Pet proved himself to be not only a perfect master of his +profession, but also a skilful adept in those figures of speech, or +"nice derangements of epitaphs," as Mrs. Malaprop calls them, in which +the admirers of the fistic art so much delight. At every blow, a fresh +opponent either fell or staggered off; the supremacy of the Pet was +complete, and his claim to be considered a Professor of the noble and +manly art of Self-defence was triumphantly established. "The Putney Pet" +was a decidedly valuable acquisition to the side of Gown. + +Soon the crowd became thinner, as those of the Town who liked to give, +but not to receive hard blows, stole off to other quarters; and the Pet +and his party would have been left peaceably to themselves. But this was +not what they wanted, as long as fighting was going on elsewhere; even +Mr. Verdant Green began to feel desperately courageous as the Town took +to their heels, and fled; and, having performed prodigies of valour in +almost knocking down a small cad who had had the temerity to attack him, +our hero felt himself to be a hero indeed, and announced his intention +of pursuing the mob, and sticking close to Charles Larkyns,--taking +especial care to do the latter. + + "All the savage soul of _fight_ was up;" + +and the Gown following the scattered remnant of the flying Town, ran +them round by All Saints' Church, and up the Turl. + +Here another Town and Gown party had fought their way from the +Corn-market; and the Gown, getting considerably the worst of the +conflict, had taken refuge within Exeter College by the express order of +the Senior Proctor, the Rev. Thomas Tozer, more familiarly known as "old +Towzer." He had endeavoured to assert his proctorial authority over the +mob of the townspeople; but the _profanum vulgus_ had not only scoffed +and jeered him, but had even torn his gown, and treated his velvet +sleeves with the indignity of mud; while the only fireworks which had +been exhibited on that evening had been let off in his very face. Pushed +on, and hustled by the mob, and only partially protected by his Marshal +and Bull-dogs,[7] he was saved from further indignity by the arrival of +a small knot of Gownsmen, who rushed to his rescue. Their number was too +small, however, to make head against the mob, and the best that they +could do was to cover the Proctor's retreat. Now, the Rev. Thomas Tozer +was short, and inclined to corpulence, and, although not wanting for +courage, yet the exertion of defending himself from a superior force, +was not only a fruitless one, but was, moreover, productive of much +unpleasantness and perspiration. Deeming, therefore, that discretion was +the better part of valour, he fled, (like those who tended, or _ought_ +to have attended to, the flocks of Mr. Norval, Sen.) + + "for safety and for succour;" + +and, being rather short of the necessary article of wind, by the time +that he had reached Exeter College, he had barely breath enough left to +tell the porter to keep the gate shut until he had assembled a body of +Gownsmen to assist him in capturing those daring ringleaders of the mob +who had set his authority at defiance. This was soon done; the call to +arms was made, and every Exeter man who was not already out, ran to "old +Towzer's" assistance. + +"Now, Porter," said Mr. Tozer, "unbar the gate without noise, and I will +look forth to observe the position of the mob. Gentlemen, hold +yourselves in readiness to secure the ringleaders." + +The porter undid the wicket, and the Rev. Thomas Tozer cautiously put +forth his head. It was a rash act; for, no sooner had his nose appeared +round the edge of the wicket, than it received a flattening blow from +the fist of an active gentleman who, like a clever cricketer, had been +on the lookout for an opportunity to get in to his adversary's wicket. + +"Oh, this is painful! this is very painful!" ejaculated Mr. Tozer, as he +rapidly drew in his head. "Close the wicket directly, porter, and keep +it fast." It was like closing the gates of Hougomont. The active +gentleman who had damaged Mr. Tozer's nose threw himself against the +wicket, his comrades assisted him, and the porter had some difficulty in +obeying the Proctor's orders. + +"Oh, this is painful!" murmured the Rev. Thomas Tozer, as he applied a +handkerchief to his bleeding nose; "this is painful, this is very +painful! this is exceedingly painful, gentlemen!" + +He was immediately surrounded by sympathising undergraduates, who begged +him to allow them at once to charge the Town; but "old Towzer's" spirit +seemed to have been aroused by the indignity to which he had been forced +so publicly to submit, and he replied that, as soon as the bleeding had +ceased, he would lead them forth in person. An encouraging cheer +followed this courageous resolve, and was echoed from without by the +derisive applause of the Town. + +[Illustration] + +When Mr. Tozer's nose had ceased to bleed, the signal was given for the +gates to be thrown open; and out rushed Proctor, Marshall, Bull-dogs, +and undergraduates. The Town was in great force, and the fight became +desperate. To the credit of the Town, be it said, they discarded +bludgeons and stones, and fought, in John Bull fashion, with their +fists. Scarcely a Stick was to be seen. Singling out his man, Mr. Tozer +made at him valiantly, supported by his Bull-dogs, and a small band of +Gownsmen. But the heavy gown and velvet sleeves were a grievous +hindrance to the Proctor's prowess; and, although supported on either +side by his two attendant Bull-dogs, yet the weight of his robes made +poor Mr. Tozer almost as harmless as the blind King of Bohemia between +his two faithful knights at the battle of Crecy; and, as each of the +party had to look to, and fight for himself, the Senior Proctor soon +found himself in an awkward predicament. + +The cry of "Gown to the rescue!" therefore, fell pleasantly on his ears; +and the reinforcement headed by Mr. Charles Larkyns and his party, +materially improved the aspect of affairs on the side of Gown. Knocking +down a cowardly fellow, who was using his heavy-heeled boots on the body +of a prostrate undergraduate, Mr. Blades, closely followed by the Pet, +dashed in to the Proctor's assistance; and never in a Town and Gown was +assistance more timely rendered; for the Rev. Thomas Tozer had just +received his first knock-down blow! By the help of Mr. Blades the fallen +chieftain was quickly replaced upon his legs; while the Pet stepped +before him, and struck out skilfully right and left. Ten more minutes of +scientific pugilism, and the fate of the battle was decided. The Town +fled every way; some round the corner by Lincoln College; some up the +Turl towards Trinity; some down Ship Street; and some down by Jesus +College, and Market Street. A few of the more resolute made a stand in +Broad Street; but it was of no avail; and they received a sound +punishment at the hands of the Gown, on the spot, where, some three +centuries before, certain mitred Gownsmen had bravely suffered +martyrdom.[8] + +Now, the Rev. Thomas Tozer was a strict disciplinarian, and, although he +had so materially benefited by the Pet's assistance, yet, when he +perceived that that pugilistic gentleman was not possessed of the full +complement of academical attire, the duties of the Proctor rose superior +to the gratitude of the Man; and, with all the sternness of an ancient +Roman Father, he said to the Pet, "Why have you not on your gown, sir?" + +[Illustration] + +"I ax your pardon, guv'nor!" replied the Pet, deferentially; "I didn't +so much care about the mortar-board, but I couldn't do nothin' nohow +with the t'other thing, so I pocketted him; but some cove must have gone +and prigged him, for he ain't here." + +"I am unable to comprehend the nature of your language, sir," observed +the Rev. Thomas Tozer, angrily; for, what with his own excitement, and +the shades of evening which had stolen over and obscured the Pet's +features, he was unable to read that gentleman's character and +profession in his face, and therefore came to the conclusion that he was +being chaffed by some impudent undergraduate. "I dou't in the least +understand you, sir; but I desire at once to know your name, and +College, sir!" + +The Putney Pet stared. If the Rev. Thomas Tozer had asked him for the +name of his Academy, he would have been able to have referred him to his +spacious and convenient Sparring Academy, 5, Cribb Court, Drury Lane; +but the enquiry for his "College," was, in the language of his +profession, a "regular floorer." Mr. Blades, however, stepped forward, +and explained matters to the Proctor, in a satisfactory manner. + +"Well, well!" said the pacified Mr. Tozer to the Pet; "you have used +your skill very much to our advantage, and displayed pugilistic powers +not unworthy of the athletes, and xystics of the noblest days of Rome. +As a palæstrite you would have gained palms in the gymnastic exercises +of the Circus Maximus. You might even have proved a formidable rival to +Dares, who, as you, Mr. Blades, will remember, caused the death of +Butes at Hector's tomb. You will remember, Mr. Blades, that Virgil +makes mention of his 'humeros latos' and says:-- + + "'Nec quisquam ex agmine tanto + Audet adire virum, manibusque inducere cæstus;'[9] + +"which, in our English idiom, would signify, that every one was afraid to +put on the gloves with him. And, as your skill," resumed Mr. Tozer, +turning to the Pet, "has been exercised in defence of my person, and in +upholding the authority of the University, I will overlook your offence +in assuming that portion of the academical attire, to which you gave the +offensive epithet of "mortar-board;" more especially, as you acted at +the suggestion and bidding of those who ought to have known better. And +now, go home, sir, and resume your customary head-dress; and--stay! +here's five shillings for you." + +"I'm much obleeged to you, guv'nor," said the Pet, who had been +listening with considerable surprise to the Proctor's quotations and +comparisons, and wondering whether the gentleman named Dares, who caused +the death of beauties, was a member of the P.R., and whether they made +it out a case of manslaughter against him? and if the gaining palms in a +circus was the customary "flapper-shaking" before "toeing the scratch +for business?"--"I'm much obleeged to you, guv'nor," said the Pet, as he +made a scrape with his leg; "and, whenever you _does_ come up to London, +I 'ope you'll drop in at Cribb Court, and have a turn with the gloves!" +And the Pet, very politely, handed one of his professional cards to the +Rev. Thomas Tozer. + +A little later than this, a very jovial supper party might have been +seen assembled in a principal room at "the Roebuck." To enable them to +be back within their college walls, and save their gates, before the +hour of midnight should arrive, the work of consuming the grilled bones +and welch-rabbits was going on with all reasonable speed, the heavier +articles being washed down by draughts of "heavy." After the cloth was +withdrawn, several songs of a miscellaneous character were sung by "the +professional gentlemen present," including, "by particular request," the +celebrated "Marble Halls" song of our hero, which was given with more +coherency than on a previous occasion, but was no less energetically led +in its "you-loved-me-still-the-same" chorus by Mr. Bouncer. The Pet was +proudly placed on the right hand of the chairman, Mr. Blades; and, when +his health was proposed, "with many thanks to him for the gallant and +plucky manner in which he had led on the Gown to a glorious victory," +the "three times three," and the "one cheer more," and the "again," and +"again," and the "one other little un!" were uproariously given (as Mr. +Foote expressed it) "by the whole strength of the company, assisted by +Messrs. Larkyns, Smalls, Fosbrooke, Flexible Shanks, Cheke, and Verdant +Green." + +The forehead of the last-named gentleman was decorated with a patch of +brown paper, from which arose an aroma, as though of vinegar. The battle +of "Town and Gown" was over; and Mr. Verdant Green was among the number +of the wounded. + +FOOTNOTES: + +[2] Town and Gown disturbances are of considerable antiquity. Fuller and +Matthew Paris give accounts of some which occurred as early as the year +1238. These disputes not unfrequently terminated fatally to some of the +combatants. One of the most serious Town and Gown rows on record took +place on the day of St. Scholastica the Virgin, February 10th, 1345, +when several lives were lost on either side. The University was at that +time in the Lincoln diocese; and Grostête, the Bishop, placed the +townspeople under an interdict, from which they were not released till +1357, and then only on condition that the mayor and sixty of the chief +burgesses should, on every anniversary of the day of St. Scholastica, +attend St. Mary's Church and offer up mass for the souls of the slain +scholars; and should also individually present an offering of one penny +at the high altar. They, moreover, paid a yearly fine of 100 marks to +the University, with the penalty of an additional fine of the same sum +for every omission in attending at St. Mary's. This continued up to the +time of the Reformation, when it gradually fell into abeyance. In the +fifteenth year of Elizabeth, however, the University asserted their +claim to all arrears. The matter being brought to trial, it was decided +that the town should continue the annual fine and penance, though the +arrears were forgiven. The fine was yearly paid on the 10th of February +up to our own time: the mayor and chief burgesses attended at St. +Mary's, and made the offering at the conclusion of the litany, which, on +that occasion, was read from the altar. Thia was at length put an end to +by Convocation in the year 1825. + +[3] Corrupted by Oxford pronunciation (which makes Magdalen _Maudlin_ +into St _Old's_.) + +[4] "A Bachelor of Arts," Act I. + +[5] The great bell of Christ Church. It tolls 101 times each evening at +ten minutes past nine o'clock (there being 101 students on the +foundation) and marks the time for the closing of the college gates. +"Tom" is one of the lions of Oxford. It formerly belonged to Oseney +Abbey, and weighs about 17,000 pounds, being more than double the weight +of the great bell of St. Paul's. + +[6] The porch was erected in 1637 by order of Archbishop Laud. In the +centre of the porch is a statue of the Virgin with the Child in her +arms, holding a small crucifix; which at the time of its erection gave +such offence to the Puritans that it was included in the articles of +impeachment against the Archbishop. The statue remains to this day. + +[7] The Marshal is the Proctor's chief officer. The name of 'Bull-dogs' +is given to the two inferior officers who attend the Proctor in his +nightly rounds. + +[8] The _exact_ spot where Archbishop Cranmer and Bishops Ridley and +Latimer suffered martyrdom is not known. "The most likely supposition +is, that it was in the town ditch, the site of which is now occupied by +the houses in Broad Street, which are immediately opposite the gateway +of Balliol College, or the footpath in front of them, where an extensive +layer of wood-ashes is known to remain."--(Parker.) + +[9] Æn., Book v., 378. + + + + +CHAPTER V. + +MR. VERDANT GREEN IS FAVOURED WITH MR. BOUNCER'S OPINIONS REGARDING AN +UNDERGRADUATE'S EPISTOLARY COMMUNICATIONS TO HIS MATERNAL RELATIVE. + + +[Illustration] + +"Come in, whoever you are! don't mind the dogs!" shouted little Mr. +Bouncer, as he lay, in an extremely inelegant attitude, in a red morocco +chair, which was considerably the worse for wear, chiefly on account of +the ill-usage it had to put up with, in being made to represent its +owner's antagonist, whenever Mr. Bouncer thought fit to practise his +fencing. "Oh! it's you and Giglamps, is it, Charley? I'm just refreshing +myself with a weed, for I've been desperately hard at work." + +"What! Harry Bouncer devoting himself to study! But this is the age of +wonders," said Charles Larkyns, who entered the room in company with Mr. +Verdant Green, whose forehead still betrayed the effects of the blow he +had received a few nights before. + +[Illustration] + +"It ain't reading that I meant," replied Mr. Bouncer, "though that +always _does_ floor me, and no mistake! and what's the use of their +making us peg away so at Latin and Greek, I can't make out. When I go +out into society, I don't want to talk about those old Greek and Latin +birds that they make us get up. I don't want to ask any old dowager I +happen to fall in with at a tea-fight, whether she believes all the +crammers that Herodotus tells us, or whether she's well up in the +naughty tales and rummy nuisances that we have to pass no end of our +years in getting by heart. And when I go to a ball, and do the light +fantastic, I don't want to ask my partner what she thinks about +Euripides, or whether she prefers Ovid's Metamorphoses to Ovid's Art of +Love, and all that sort of thing; and as for requesting her to do me a +problem of Euclid, instead of working me any glorified slippers or +woolleries, I'd scorn the _h_action. I ain't like you, Charley, and I'm +not _guv_ in the classics: I saw too much of the beggars while I was at +Eton to take kindly to 'em; and just let me once get through my Greats, +and see if I don't precious soon drop the acquaintance of those old +classical parties!" + +"No you won't, old fellow!" said Charles Larkyns; "you'll find that +they'll stick to you through life, just like poor relations, and you +won't be able to shake them off. And you ought not to wish to do so, +more especially as, in the end, you will find them to have been very +rich relations." + +"A sort of 'O my prophetic soul, my uncle!' I suppose, Master Charley," +observed Mr. Bouncer; "but what I meant when I said that I had been hard +at work, was, that I had been writing a letter; and, though I say it +that ought not to say it, I flatter myself it's no end of a good +letter." + +"Is it a love-letter?" asked Charles Larkyns, who was leaning against +the mantelpiece, amusing himself with a cigar which he had taken from +Mr. Bouncer's box. + +"A love-letter?" replied the little gentleman, contemptuously--"my gum! +no; I should rayther think not! I may have done many foolish things in +my life, but I can't have the tender passion laid to my charge. No! I've +been writing my letter to the Mum: I always write to her once a term." +Mr. Bouncer, it must be observed, always referred to his maternal +relative (his father had been long dead) by the epithet of "the Mum." + +"Once a term!" said our hero, in a tone of surprise; "why I always write +home once or twice every week." + +"You don't mean to say so, Giglamps!" replied Mr. Bouncer, with +admiration. "Well, some fellers have what you call a genius for that sort +of thing, you see, though what you can find to tell 'em I can't imagine. +But if I'd gone at that pace I should have got right through the Guide +Book by this time, and then it would have been all U P, and I should +have been obleeged to have invented another dodge. You don't seem to +take, Giglamps?" + +"Well, I really don't know what you mean," answered our hero. + +"Why," continued Mr. Bouncer, "you see, there's only the Mum and Fanny at +home: Fanny's my sister, Giglamps--a regular stunner--just suit +you!--and they, you understand, don't care to hear about wines, and Town +and Gowns, and all that sort of thing; and, you see, I ain't inventive +and that, and can't spin a yarn about nothing; so, as soon as ever I +came up to Oxford, I invested money in a Guide Book; and I began at the +beginning, and I gave the Mum three pages of Guide Book in each letter. +Of course, you see, the Mum imagines it's all my own observation; and +she thinks no end of my letters, and says that they make her know Oxford +almost as well as if she lived here; and she, of course, makes a good +deal of me; and as Oxford's the place where I hang out, you see, she +takes an interest in reading something about the jolly old place." + +"Of course," observed Mr. Verdant Green; "my mamma--mother, at +least--and sisters, always take pleasure in hearing about Oxford; but +your plan never occurred to me." + +"It's a first-rater, and no mistake," said Mr. Bouncer, confidently, +"and saves a deal of trouble. I think of taking out a patent for +it--'Bouncer's Complete Letter-Writer'--or get some literary swell to +put it into a book, 'with a portrait of the inventor;' it would be sure +to sell. You see, it's what you call amusement blended with information; +and that's more than you can say of most men's letters to the Home +department." + +"Cocky Palmer's, for instance," said Charles Larkyns, "which always +contained a full, true, and particular account of his Wheatley doings. +He used to go over there, Verdant, to indulge in the noble sport of +cock-fighting, for which he had a most unamiable and unenviable +weakness; that was the reason why he was called 'Cocky' Palmer. His +elder brother--who was a Pembroke man--was distinguished by the pronomen +'Snuffy,' to express his excessive partiality for that titillating +compound." + +"And Snuffy Palmer," remarked Mr. Bouncer, "was a long sight better +feller than Cocky, who was in the very worst set in Brazenface. But +Cocky did the Wheatley dodge once too often, and it was a good job for +the King of Oude when his friend Cocky came to grief, and had to take +his name off the books." + +"You look as though you wanted a translation of this," said Charles +Larkyns to our hero, who had been listening to the conversation with +some wonderment,--understanding about as much of it as many persons who +attend the St. James's Theatre understand the dialogue of the French +Plays. "There are College _cabalia_, as well as Jewish; and College +surnames are among these. 'The King of Oude' was a man of the name of +Towlinson, who always used to carry into Hall with him a bottle of '_the +King of Oxide's Sauce_,' for which he had some mysterious liking, and +without which he professed himself unable to get through his dinner. At +one time he was a great friend of Cocky Palmer's, and used to go with +him to the cock-fights at Wheatley--that village just on the other side +Shotover Hill--where we did a 'constitutional' the other day. Cocky, as +our respected friend says, 'came to grief,' but was allowed to save +himself from expulsion by voluntarily, or rather in-voluntarily, taking +his name off the books. When his connection with Cocky had thus been +ruthlessly broken, 'the King' got into a better set, and retrieved his +character." + +"The moral of which, my beloved Giglamps," observed Mr. Bouncer, "is, +that there are as many sets of men in a College as there are of +quadrilles in a ball-room, and that it's just as easy to take your place +in one as it is in another; but, that when you've once taken up your +position, you'll find it ain't an easy thing, you see, to make a change +for yourself, till the set is broken up. Whereby, Giglamps, you may +comprehend what a grateful bird you ought to be, for Charley's having +put you into the best set in Brazenface." + +Mr. Verdant Green was heard to murmur, "sensible of honour,--grateful +for kindness,--endeavours to deserve,"--and the other broken sentiments +which are commonly made use of by gentlemen who get upon their legs to +return thanks for having been "tea-potted." + +"If you like to hear it," said Mr. Bouncer, "I'll read you my letter to +the Mum. It ain't very private; and I flatter myself, Giglamps, that +it'll serve you as a model." + +"Let's have it by all means, Harry," said Charles Larkyns. "It must be +an interesting document; and I am curious to hear what it is that you +consider a model for epistolary communication from an undergraduate to +his maternal relative." + +[Illustration] + +"Off she goes then;" observed Mr. Bouncer; "lend me your ears--list, +list, O list! as the recruiting-sergeant or some other feller says in +the Play. 'Now, my little dears! look straight for'ard--blow your noses, +and don't brathe on the glasses!'" and Mr. Bouncer read the letter, +interspersing it with explanatory observations:-- + +"'_My dearest mother,--I have been quite well since I left you, and I +hope you and Fanny have been equally salubrious._'--That's doing the +civil, you see: now we pass on to statistics.--'_We had rain the day +before yesterday, but we shall have a new moon to-night._'--You see, the +Mum always likes to hear about the weather, so I get that out of the +Almanack. Now we get on to the interesting part of the letter.--'_I will +now tell you a little about Merton College._'--That's where I had just +got to. We go right through the Guide Book, you understand.--'_The +history of this establishment is of peculiar importance, as exhibiting +the primary model of all the collegiate bodies in Oxford and Cambridge. +The statutes of Walter de Merton had been more or less copied by all +other founders in succession; and the whole constitution of both +Universities, as we now behold them, may be, not without reason, +ascribed to the liberality and munificence of this truly great +man._'--Truly great man! that's no end good, ain't it? observed Mr. +Bouncer, in the manner of the 'mobled queen is good' of Polonius.--'_His +sagacity and wisdom led him to profit by the spirit of the times; his +opulence enabled him to lay the foundation of a nobler system; and the +splendour of his example induced others, in subsequent ages, to raise a +superstructure at once attractive and solid._'--That's piling it up +mountaynious, ain't it?--'_The students were no longer dispersed through +the streets and lanes of the city, dwelling in insulated houses, halls, +inns, or hostels, subject to dubious control and precarious +discipline._'--That's stunnin', is'nt it? just like those Times fellers +write.--'_But placed under the immediate superintendence of tutors and +governors, and lodged in comfortable chambers. This was little less than +an academical revolution; and a new order of things may be dated from +this memorable era. Love to Fanny; and, believe me your affectionate +Son, Henry Bouncer._'--If the Mum don't say that's first-rate, I'm a +Dutchman! You see, I don't write very close, so that this respectably +fills up three sides of a sheet of note-paper. Oh, here's something over +the leaf. '_P.S. I hope Stump and Rowdy have got something for me, +because I want some tin very bad._' That's all! Well, Giglamps! don't +you call that quite a model letter for a University man to send to his +tender parient?" + +"It certainly contains some interesting information," said our hero, +with a Quaker-like indirectness of reply. + +"It seems to me, Harry," said Charles Larkyns, "that the pith of it, +like a lady's letter, lies in the postscript--the demand for money." + +"You see," observed the little gentleman in explanation, "Stump and +Rowdy are the beggars that have got all my property till I come of age +next year; and they only let me have money at certain times, because +it's what they facetiously call _tied-up_: though _why_ they've tied it +up, or _where_ they've tied it up, I hav'nt the smallest idea. So, +though I tick for nearly everything,--for men at College, Giglamps, go +upon tick as naturally as the crows do on the sheep's backs,--I +sometimes am rather hard up for ready dibs; and then I give the Mum a +gentlemanly hint of this, and she tips me. By-the-way," continued Mr. +Bouncer, as he re-read his postscript, "I must alter the word 'tin' into +'money'; or else she'll be taking it literally, just as she did with +the ponies. Know what a pony is, Giglamps?" + +"Why, of course I do," replied Mr. Verdant Green; "besides which, I have +kept one: he was an Exmoor pony,--a bay one, with a long tail." + +[Illustration] + +"Oh, Giglamps!' You'll be the death of me some fine day," faintly +exclaimed little Mr. Bouncer, as he slowly recovered from an exhausting +fit of laughter. "You're as bad as the Mum was. A pony means twenty-five +pound, old feller. But the Mum didn't know that; and when I wrote to her +and said, 'I'm very short; please to send me two ponies;' meaning, of +course, that I wanted fifty pound; what must she do, but write back and +say, that, with some difficulty, she had procured for me two Shetland +ponies, and that, as I was short, she hoped they would suit my size. +And, before I had time to send her another letter, the two little +beggars came. Well, I couldn't ride them both at once, like the fellers +do at Astley's; so I left one at Tollitt's, and I rode the other down +the High, as cool as a cucumber. You see, though I ain't a giant, and +that, yet I was big for the pony; and as Shelties are rum-looking little +beggars, I dare say we look'd rather queer and original. But the Proctor +happened to see me; and he cut up so doosed rough about it, that I +couldn't show on the Shelties any more; and Tollit was obliged to get +rid of them for me." + +"Well, Harry," said Charles Larkyns; "it is to Tollitt's that you must +now go, as you keep your horse there. We want you to join us in a ride." + +"What!" cried out Mr. Bouncer, "old Giglamps going outside an Oxford +hack once more! Why, I thought you'd made a vow never to do so again?" + +"Why, I certainly did so," replied Mr. Verdant Green; "but Charles +Larkyns, during the holidays--the vacation, at least--was kind enough to +take me out several rides; so I have had a great deal of practice since +last term." + +"And you don't require to be strapped on, or to get inside and pull down +the blinds?" inquired Mr. Bouncer. + +"Oh dear, no!" + +[Illustration] + +The fact was, that during the long vacation Charles Larkyns had paid +considerable attention to our hero's equestrian exercises; not so much, +it must be confessed, out of friendship for his friend, as that he might +have an opportunity of riding by the side of that friend's fair sister +Mary, for whom he entertained something more than a partiality. And +herein, probably, Mr. Charles Larkyns showed both taste and judgment. +For there may be many things less pleasant in this world than cantering +down a green Warwickshire lane--on some soft summer's day when the green +is greenest and the blossoms brightest--side by side with a charming +girl whose nature is as light and sunny as the summer air and the summer +sky. Pleasant it is to watch the flushing cheek glow rosier, than the +rosiest of all the briar-roses that stoop to kiss it. Pleasant it is to +look into the lustrous light of tender eyes; and to see the loosened +ringlets reeling with the motion of the ride. Pleasant it is to canter +on from lane to lane over soft moss, and springy turf, between the high +honeysuckle hedges, and the broad-branched beeches that meet overhead in +a tangled embrace. But pleasanter by far than all is it, to hug to one's +heart the darling fancy that she who is cantering on by your side in all +the witchery of her maiden beauty, holds you in her dearest thoughts, +and dowers you with all her wealth of love. Pleasant rides indeed, +pleasant fancies, and pleasant day-dreams, had the long vacation brought +to Charles Larkyns! + +"Well, come along, Verdant," said Mr. Larkyns, "we'll go to Charley +Symonds' and get our hacks. You can meet us, Harry, just over the +Maudlin Bridge; and we'll have a canter along the Henley road." + +So Mr. Verdant Green and his friend walked into Holywell Street, and +passed under the archway up to Symonds' stables. But the nervous +trepidation which our hero had felt in the same place on a previous +occasion returned with full force when his horse was led out in an +exuberantly playful and "fresh" condition. The beast he had bestridden +during his long vacation rides, with his sister and his (and sister's) +friend, was a cob-like steed, whose placidity of temper was fully +equalled by its gravity of demeanour; and who would as soon have thought +of flying over a five-bar gate as he would of kicking up his respectable +heels both behind and before in the low-lived manner recorded of the +Ethiopian "Old Joe." But, if "Charley Symonds'" hacks had been of this +pacific and easy-going kind, it is highly probable that Mr. C. S. and +his stud would not have acquired that popularity which they had +deservedly achieved. For it seems to be a _sine-quâ-non_ with an Oxford +hack, that to general showiness of exterior, it must add the power of +enduring any amount of hard riding and rough treatment in the course of +the day which its _pro-tem._ proprietor may think fit to inflict upon +it; it being an axiom which has obtained, as well in Universities as in +other places, that it is of no advantage to hire a hack unless you get +out of him as much as you can for your money, you won't want to use him +to-morrow, so you don't care about over-riding him to-day. + +[Illustration] + +But, all this time, Mr. Verdant Green is drawing on his gloves, in the +nervous manner that tongue-tied gentlemen go through the same +performance during the conversational spasms of the first-set of +Quadrilles; the groom is leading out the exuberantly playful quadruped +on whose back Mr. Verdant Green is to disport himself; Charles Larkyns +is mounted; the November sun is shining brightly on the perspective of +the yard and stables, and the tower of New College; the dark archway +gives one a peep of Holywell Street; while the cold blue sky is flecked +with gleaming pigeons. + +At last, Mr. Verdant Green has scrambled into his saddle, and is riding +cautiously down the yard, while his heart beats in an alarming +alarum-like way. As they ride under the archway, there, in the little +room underneath it, is Mr. Four-in-hand Fosbrooke, selecting his +particular tandem-whip from a group of some two score of similar whips +kept there in readiness for their respective owners. + +"Charley, you're a beast!" says Mr. Fosbrooke, politely addressing +himself to Mr. Larkyns; "I wanted Bouncer to come with me in the cart to +Abingdon, and I find that the little man is engaged to you." Upon which, +Mr. Fosbrooke playfully raising his tandem-whip, Mr. Verdant Green's +horse plunges, and brings his rider's head into concussion with the lamp +which hangs within the gateway; whereupon, the hat falls off, and our +hero is within an ace of following his hat's example. + +[Illustration] + +By a powerful exertion, however, he recovers his proper position in the +saddle, and proceeds in an agitated and jolted condition, by Charles +Larkyns's side, down Holywell Street, past the Music Room,[10] and round +by the Long Wall, and over Magdalen Bridge. Here they are soon joined by +Mr. Bouncer, mounted, according to the custom of small men, on one of +Tollitt's tallest horses, of ever-so-many hands high. As by this time +our hero has got more accustomed to his steed, his courage gradually +returns, and he rides on with his companions very pleasantly, enjoying +the magnificent distant view of his University. When they have passed +Cowley, some very tempting fences are met with; and Mr. Bouncer and Mr. +Larkyns, being unable to resist their fascinations, put their horses at +them, and leap in and out of the road in an insane Vandycking kind of +way; while an excited agriculturist, whose smock-frock heaves with +indignation, pours down denunciations on their heads. + +"Blow that bucolical party!" says Mr. Bouncer; "he's no right to +interfere with the enjoyments of the animals. If they break the fences, +it ain't their faults; it's the fault of the farmers for not making the +fences strong enough to bear them. Come along, Giglamps! put your beast +at that hedge! he'll take you over as easy as if you were sitting in an +arm-chair." + +[Illustration] + +But Mr. Verdant Green has doubts about the performance of this piece of +equestrian upholstery; and, thinking that the arm-chair would soon +become a reclining one, he is firm in his refusal to put the leaping +powers of his steed to the test. But having, afterwards, obtained some +"jumping powder" at a certain small road-side hostelry to which Mr. +Bouncer has piloted the party, our hero, on his way back to Oxford, +screws up his courage sufficiently to gallop his steed desperately at a +ditch which yawns, a foot wide, before him. But to his immense +astonishment--not to say, disgust--the obtuse-minded quadruped gives a +leap which would have taken him clear over a canal; and our hero, not +being prepared for this very needless display of agility, flies off the +saddle at a tangent, and finds that his "vaulting ambition," had +o'erleap'd itself, and fallen on the other side--of the ditch. + +"It ain't your fault, Giglamps!" says Mr. Bouncer, when he has galloped +after Verdant's steed, and has led it up to him, and when he has +ascertained that his friend is not in the least hurt; but has only +broken--his glasses; "it ain't your fault, Giglamps, old feller! it's +the clumsiness of the hack. He tossed you up, and could'nt catch you +again!" + +And so our hero rides back to Oxford. But, before the Term has ended, he +has become more accustomed to Oxford hacks, and has made himself +acquainted with the respective merits of the stables of Messrs. Symonds, +Tollitt, and Pigg; and has, moreover, ridden with the drag, and, in this +way, hunted the fabled foxes of Bagley Wood, and Whichwood Forest. + + + + +CHAPTER VI. + +MR. VERDANT GREEN FEATHERS HIS OARS WITH SKILL AND DEXTERITY. + + +November is not always the month of fog and mist and dulness. Oftentimes +there are brilliant exceptions to that generally-received rule of +depressing weather, which, in this month (according to our lively +neighbours), induces the natives of our English metropolis to leap in +crowds from the Bridge of Waterloo. There are in November, days of calm +beauty, which are peculiar to that month--that kind of calm beauty which +is so often seen as the herald of decay. + +[Illustration] + +But, whatever weather the month may bring to Oxford, it never brings +gloom or despondency to Oxford men. They are a happily constituted set +of beings, and can always create their own amusements; they crown +Minerva with flowers without heeding her influenza, and never seem to +think that the rosy-bosomed Hours may be laid up with bronchitis. Winter +and summer appear to be pretty much the same to them: reading and +recreation go hand-in-hand all the year round; and, among other +pleasures, that of boating finds as many votaries in cold November, as +it did in sunny June--indeed, the chilness of the air, in the former +month, gives zest to an amusement which degenerates to hard labour in +the dog-days. The classic Isis in the month of November, therefore, +whenever the weather is anything like favourable, presents an animated +scene. Eight-oars pass along, the measured pull of the oars in the +rowlocks marking the time in musical cadence with their plashing dip in +the water; perilous skiffs flit like fire-flies over the glassy surface +of the river; men lounge about in the house-boats and barges, or gather +together at King's, or Hall's, and industriously promulgate small talk +and tobacco-smoke. All is gay and bustling. Although the feet of the +strollers in the Christ-Church meadows rustle through the sere and +yellow leaf, yet rich masses of brown and russet foliage still hang upon +the trees, and light up into gold in the sun. The sky is of a cold but +bright blue; the distant hills and woods are mellowed into sober +purplish-gray tints, but over them the sun looks down with that peculiar +red glow which is only seen in November. + +[Illustration] + +It was one of these bright days of "the month of gloom," that Mr. +Verdant Green and Mr. Charles Larkyns being in the room of their friend, +Mr. Bouncer, the little gentleman inquired, "Now then! what are you two +fellers up to? I'm game for anything, I am! from pitch-and-toss to +manslaughter." + +"I'm afraid," said Charles Larkyns, "that we can't accommodate you in +either amusement, although we are going down to the river, with which +Verdant wishes to renew his acquaintance. Last term, you remember, you +picked him up in the Gut, when he had been played with at pitch-and-toss +in a way that very nearly resembled manslaughter." + +"I remember, I remember, how old Giglamps floated by!" said Mr. Bouncer; +"you looked like a half-bred mermaid Giglamps." + +"But the gallant youth," continued Mr. Larkyns, "undismayed by the +perils from which he was then happily preserved, has boldly come forward +and declared himself a worshipper of Isis, in a way worthy of the +ancient Egyptians, or of Tom Moore's Epicurean." + +"Well! stop a minute you fellers," said Mr. Bouncer; "I must have my beer +first: I can't do without my Bass relief. I'm like the party in the old +song, and I likes a drop of good beer." And as he uncorked a bottle of +Bass, little Mr. Bouncer sang, in notes as musical as those produced +from his own tin horn-- + + "'Twixt wet and dry I always try + Between the extremes to steer; + Though I always shrunk from getting----intoxicated, + I was always fond of my beer! + For I likes a drop of good beer! + I'm particularly partial to beer! + Porter and swipes + Always give me the----stomach-ache! + But that's never the case with beer!" + +"Bravo, Harry!" cried Charles Larkyns; "you roar us an' twere any +nightingale. It would do old Bishop Still's heart good to hear you; and +'sure _I_ think, that _you_ can drink with any that wears a hood,' or +that _will_ wear a hood when you take your Bachelor's, and put on your +gown." And Charles Larkyns sang, rather more musically than Mr. Bouncer +had done, from that song which, three centuries ago, the Bishop had +written in praise of good ale,-- + + Let back and side go bare, go bare, + Both hand and foot go cold: + But, belly, God send thee good ale enough, + Whether it be new or old. + +[Illustration] + +They were soon down at the river side, where Verdant was carefully put +into a tub (alas! the dear, awkward, safe, old things are fast passing +away; they are giving place to suicidal skiffs, and will soon be +numbered among the boats of other days!)--and was started off with +almost as much difficulty as on his first essay. The tub--which was, +indeed, his old friend the _Sylph_,--betrayed an awkward propensity for +veering round towards Folly Bridge, which our hero at first failed to +overcome; and it was not until he had performed a considerable amount of +crab-catching, that he was enabled to steer himself in the proper +direction. Charles Larkyns had taken his seat in an outrigger skiff (so +frail and shaky that it made Verdant nervous to look at it), and, with +one or two powerful strokes, had shot ahead, backed water, turned, and +pulled back round the tub long before Verdant had succeeded in passing +that eccentric mansion, to which allusion has before been made, as +possessing in the place of cellars, an ingenious system of small rivers +to thoroughly irrigate its foundation--a hydropathic treatment which may +(or may not) be agreeable in Venice, but strikes one as being decidedly +cold and comfortless when applied to Oxford,--at any rate, in the month +of November. Walking on the lawn which stretched from this house +towards the river, our hero espied two extremely pretty young ladies, +whose hearts he endeavoured at once to take captive by displaying all +his powers in that elegant exercise in which they saw him engaged. It +may reasonably be presumed that Mr. Verdant Green's hopes were doomed to +be blighted. + +Let us leave him, and take a look at Mr. Bouncer. + +Mr. Bouncer had been content to represent the prowess of his college in +the cricket-field, and had never aspired to any fame as an oar. The +exertions, as well as the fame, of aquatic honours, he had left to Mr. +Blades, and those others like him, who considered it a trifle to pull +down to Iffley and back again, two or three times a day, at racing pace +with a fresh spurt put on every five minutes. Mr. Bouncer, too, had an +antipathy to eat beefsteaks otherwise than in the state in which they +are usually brought to table; and, as it seemed a _sine quâ non_ with +the gentleman who superintended the training for the boat-races, that +his pupils should daily devour beefsteaks which had merely looked at the +fire, Mr. Bouncer, not having been brought up to cannibal habits, was +unable to conform himself to this, and those other vital principles +which seemed to regulate the science of aquatic training. The little +gentleman moreover, did not join with the "Torpids" (as the second boats +of a college are called), either, because he had a soul above them,--he +would be _aut Cæsar, aut nullus_; either in the eight, or nowhere,--or +else, because even the Torpids would cause him more trouble and +pleasurable pain than would be agreeable to him. When Mr. Bouncer sat +down on any hard substance, he liked to be able to do so without +betraying any emotion that the action caused him personal discomfort; +and he had noticed that many of the Torpids--not to mention one or two +of the eight--were more particular than young men usually are about +having a very easy, soft, and yielding chair to sit on. + +Mr. Bouncer, too, was of opinion that continued blisters were both +unsightly and unpleasant; and that rawness was bad enough when taken in +conjunction with beefsteaks, without being extended to one's own hands. +He had also a summer passion for ices and creams, which were forbidden +luxuries to one in training,--although (paradoxical as it may seem to +say so) they trained, on Isis! He had also acquired a bad habit of +getting up in one day, and going to bed in the next,--keeping late +hours, and only rising early when absolutely compelled to do so in order +to keep morning chapel--a habit which the trainer would have interfered +with, considerably to the little gentleman's advantage. He had also an +amiable weakness for pastry, port, claret, "et _hock_ genus omne;" and +would have felt it a cruelty to have been deprived of his daily modicum +of "smoke;" and in all these points, boat-training would have materially +interfered with his comfort. + +Mr. Bouncer, therefore, amused himself equally as much to his own +satisfaction as if he had been one of the envied eight, by occasionally +paddling about with Charles Larkyns in an old pair-oar, built by Davis +and King, and bought by Mr. Bouncer of its late Brazenfacian proprietor, +when that gentleman, after a humorous series of plucks, rustications, +and heavy debts, had finally been compelled to migrate to the King's +Bench, for that purification of purse and person commonly designated +"whitewashing." When Charles Larkyns and his partner did not use their +pair-oar, the former occupied his outrigger skiff; and the latter, +taking Huz and Buz on board a sailing boat, tacked up and down the river +with great skill, the smoke gracefully curling from his meerschaum or +short black pipe,--for Mr. Bouncer disapproved of smoking cigars at +those times when the wind would have assisted him to get through them. + +[Illustration] + +"Hullo, Giglamps! here we are! as the clown says in the pantermime," +sung out the little gentleman as he came up with our hero, who was +performing some extraordinary feats in full sight of the University +crew, who were just starting from their barge; "you get no end of +exercise out of your tub, I should think, by the style you work those +paddles: They go in and out beautiful! Splish, splash; splish, splash! +You must be one of the _wherry_ identical Row-brothers-row, whose +voices kept tune and whose oars kept time, you know. You ought to go and +splish-splash in the Freshman's River, Giglamps;--but I forgot--you +ain't a freshman now, are you, old feller? Those swells in the +University boats look as though they were bursting with envy--not to +say, with laughter," added Mr. Bouncer, _sotto voce_. "Who taught you to +do the dodge in such a stunning way, Giglamps?" + +"Why, last term, Charles Larkyns did," responded Mr. Verdant Green, with +the freshness of a Freshman still lingering lovingly upon him. "I've not +forgotten what he told me,--to put in my oar deep, and to bring it out +with a jerk. But though I make them go as deep as I can, and jerk them +out as much as possible, yet the boat _will_ keep turning round, and I +can't keep it straight at all; and the oars are very heavy and +unmanageable, and keep slipping out of the rowlocks--" + +"Commonly called _rullochs_," put in Mr. Bouncer, as a parenthetical +correction, or marginal note on Mr. Verdant Green's words. + +"And when the Trinity boat went by, I could scarcely get out of their +way; and they said very unpleasant things to me; and, altogether, I can +assure you that it has made me very hot." + +"And a capital thing, too, Giglamps, this cold November day," said Mr. +Bouncer; "I'm obliged to keep my coppers warm with this pea-coat, and my +pipe. Charley came alongside me just now, on purpose to fire off one of +his poetical quotations. He said that I reminded him of Beattie's +_Minstrel_:-- + + "'Dainties he heeded not, nor gaud, nor toy, + Save one short pipe.' + +"I think that was something like it. But you see, Giglamps, I haven't +got a figure-head for these sort of things like Charley has, so I +couldn't return his shot; but since then, to me deeply pondering, as +those old Greek parties say, a fine sample of our superior old crusted +jokes has come to hand; and when Charley next pulls alongside, I shall +tell him that I am like that beggar we read about in old Slowcoach's +lecture the other day, and that, if I had been in the humour, I could +have sung out, Io Bacche![11] _I owe baccy_--d'ye see, Giglamps? Well, +old feller! you look rather puffed, so clap on your coat; and, if +there's a rope's end, or a chain, in your tub, and you'll just pay it +out here, I'll make you fast astern, and pull you down the river; and +then you'll be in prime condition to work yourself up again. The wind's +in our back, and we shall get on jolly." + +[Illustration] + +So our hero made fast the tub to his friend's sailing-boat, and was +towed as far as the Haystack. During the voyage Mr. Bouncer ascertained +that Mr. Charles Larkyns had improved some of the shining hours of the +long vacation considerably to Mr. Verdant Green's benefit, by teaching +him the art of swimming--a polite accomplishment of which our hero had +been hitherto ignorant. Little Mr. Bouncer, therefore, felt easier in +his mind, if any repetition of his involuntary bath in the Gut should +befal our hero; and, after giving him (wonderful to say) some correct +advice regarding the management of the oars, he cast off the _Sylph_, +and left her and our hero to their own devices. But, profiting by the +friendly hints which he had received, Mr. Verdant Green made +considerable progress in the skill and dexterity with which he feathered +his oars; and he sat in his tub looking as wise as Diogenes may +(perhaps) have done in _his_. He moreover pulled the boat back to Hall's +without meeting with any accident worth mentioning; and when he had got +on shore he was highly complimented by Mr. Blades and a group of boating +gentlemen "for the admirable display of science which he had afforded +them." + +Mr. Verdant Green was afterwards taken alternately by Charles Larkyns +and Mr. Bouncer in their pair-oar; so that, by the end of the term, he +at any rate knew more of boating than to accept as one of its +fundamental rules, "put your oar in deep, and bring it out with a jerk." + +In the first week in December he had an opportunity of pulling over a +fresh piece of water. One of those inundations occurred to which Oxford +is so liable, and the meadow-land to the south and west of the city was +covered by the flood. Boats plied to and from the railway station in +place of omnibuses; the Great Western was not to be seen for water; and, +at the Abingdon-road bridge, at Cold-harbour, the rails were washed +away, and the trains brought to a stand-still. The Isis was amplified to +the width of the Christchurch meadows; the Broad Walk had a peep of +itself upside down in the glassy mirror; the windings of the Cherwell +could only be traced by the trees on its banks. There was + + "Water, water everywhere;" + +and a disagreeable quantity of it too, as those Christchurch men whose +ground-floor rooms were towards the meadows soon discovered. Mr. Bouncer +is supposed to have brought out one of his "fine, old, crusted jokes," +when he asserted in reference to the inundation, that "Nature had +assumed a lake complexion." Posts and rails, and hay, and a +miscellaneous collection of articles, were swept along by the current, +together with the bodies of hapless sheep and pigs. But, in spite of +these incumbrances, boats of all descriptions were to be seen sailing, +pulling, skiffing, and punting, over the flooded meadows. Numerous were +the disasters, and many were the boats that were upset. + +[Illustration] + +Indeed, the adventures of Mr. Verdant Green would probably have here +terminated in a misadventure, had he not (thanks to Charles Larkyns) +mastered the art of swimming; for he was in Mr. Bouncer's sailing-boat, +which was sailing very merrily over the flood, when its merriness was +suddenly checked by its grounding on the stump of a lopped pollard +willow, and forthwith capsizing. Our hero, who had been sitting in the +bows, was at once swept over by the sail, and, for a moment, was in +great peril; but, disengaging himself from the cordage, he struck out, +and swam to a willow whose friendly boughs and top had just formed an +asylum for Mr. Bouncer, who in great anxiety was coaxing Huz and Buz to +swim to the same ark of safety. + +Mr. Verdant Green and Mr. Bouncer were speedily rescued from their +position, and were not a little thankful for their escape. + +FOOTNOTES: + +[10] Now used for the Museum of the Oxford Architectural Society. + +[11] + + ----"Si collibuisset, ab ovo + Usque ad mala citaret, Io Bacche!"--Hor. Sat. Lib. I. 3. + + + + +CHAPTER VII. + +MR. VERDANT GREEN PARTAKES OF A DOVE-TART AND A SPREAD-EAGLE. + + +"Hullo, Giglamps, you lazy beggar!" said the cheery voice of little Mr. +Bouncer, as he walked into our hero's bedroom one morning towards the +end of term, and found Mr. Verdant Green in bed, though sufficiently +awakened by the sounding of Mr. Bouncer's octaves for the purposes of +conversation; "this'll never do, you know, Giglamps! Cutting chapel to +do the downy! Why, what do you mean, sir? Didn't you ever learn in the +nursery what happened to old Daddy Long-legs when he wouldn't say his +prayers?" + +"Robert _did_ call me," said our hero, rubbing his eyes; "but I felt +tired, so I told him to put in an _æger_." + +"Upon my word, young 'un," observed Mr. Bouncer, "you're a coming it, +you are! and only in your second term, too. What makes you wear a +nightcap, Giglamps? Is it to make your hair curl, or to keep your +venerable head warm? Nightcaps ain't healthy; they are only fit for +long-tailed babbies, and old birds that are as bald as coots; or else +for gents that grease their wool with 'thine incomparable oil, +Macassar,' as the noble poet justly remarks." + +[Illustration] + +[Illustration] + +"It ain't always pleasant," continued the little gentleman, who was +perched up on the side of the bed, and seemed in a communicative +disposition, "it ain't always pleasant to turn out for morning chapel, +is it, Giglamps? But it's just like the eels with their skinning: it +goes against the grain at first, but you soon get used to it. When I +first came up, I was a frightful lazy beggar, and I got such a heap of +impositions for not keeping my morning chapels, that I was obliged to +have three fellers constantly at work writing 'em out for me. This was +rather expensive, you see; and then the dons threatened to take away my +term altogether, and bring me to grief, if I didn't be more regular. So +I was obliged to make a virtuous resolution, and I told Robert that he +was to insist on my getting up in a morning, and I should tip him at the +end of term if he succeeded. So at first he used to come and hammer at +the door; but that was no go. So then he used to come in and shake me, +and try to pull the clothes off; but, you see, I always used to prepare +for him, by taking a good supply of boots and things to bed with me; so +I was able to take shies at the beggar till he vanished, and left me to +snooze peaceably. You see, it ain't every feller as likes to have a +Wellington boot at his head; but that rascal of a Robert is used to +those trifles, and I was obliged to try another dodge. This you know was +only of a morning when I was in bed. When I had had my breakfast, and +got my imposition, and become virtuous again, I used to slang him awful +for having let me cut chapel; and then I told him that he must always +stand at the door until he heard me out of bed. But, when the morning +came, it seemed running such a risk, you see to one's lungs and all +those sort of things to turn out of the warm bed into the cold chapel, +that I would answer Robert when he hammered at the door; but, instead of +getting up, I would knock my boots against the floor, as though I was +out of bed, don't you see, and was padding about. But that wretch of a +Robert was too old a bird to be caught with this dodge; so he used to +sing out, 'You must show a leg, sir!' and, as he kept on hammering at +the door till I _did_--for, you see, Giglamps, he was looking out for +the tip at the end of term, so it made him persevere--and as his beastly +hammering used, of course, to put a stopper on my going to sleep again, +I used to rush out in a frightful state of wax, and show a leg. And +then, being well up, you see, it was no use doing the downy again, so it +was just as well to make one's _twilight_ and go to chapel. Don't gape, +Giglamps; it's beastly rude, and I havn't done yet. I'm going to tell +you another dodge--one of old Small's. He invested money in an alarum, +with a string from it tied on to the bed-clothes, so as to pull them off +at whatever time you chose to set it. But I never saw the fun of being +left high and dry on your bed: it would be a shock to the system which I +couldn't stand. But even this dreadful expedient would be better than +posting an _æger_; which, you know, you didn't ought to was, Giglamps. +Well, turn out, old feller! I've told Robert to take your commons[12] +into my room. Smalls and Charley are coming, and I've got a dove-tart +and a spread-eagle." + +"Whatever are they?" asked Mr. Verdant Green. + +"Not know what they are!" cried Mr. Bouncer; "why a dove-tart is what +mortals call a pigeon-pie. I ain't much in Tennyson's line, but it +strikes me that dove-tarts are more poetical than the other thing; +spread-eagle is a barn-door fowl smashed out flat, and made jolly with +mushroom sauce, and no end of good things. I don't know how they squash +it, but I should say that they sit upon it; I daresay, if we were to +inquire, we should find that they kept a fat feller on purpose. But you +just come, and try how it eats." And, as Mr. Verdant Green's bedroom +barely afforded standing room, even for one, Mr. Bouncer walked into the +sitting-room, while his friend arose from his couch like a youthful +Adonis, and proceeded to bathe his ambrosial person, by taking certain +sanatory measures in splashing about in a species of tub--a performance +which Mr. Bouncer was wont to term "doing tumbies." + +[Illustration] + +"What'll you take for your letters, Giglamps?" called out the little +gentleman from the other room; "the Post's in, and here are three for +you. Two are from women,--young uns I should say, from the regular ups +and downs, and right angles: they look like billyduxes. Give you a bob +for them, at a venture! they may be funny. The other is suspiciously +like a tick, and ought to be looked shy on. I should advise you not to +open it, but to pitch it in the fire: it may save a fit of the blues. If +you want any help over shaving, just say so, Giglamps, will you, before +I go; and then I'll hold your nose for you, or do anything else that's +civil and accommodating. And, when you've done your tumbies, come in to +the dove-tart and the spread-eagle." And off went Mr. Bouncer, making +terrible noises with his post-horn, in his strenuous but futile +endeavours to discover the octaves. + +Our hero soon concluded his "tumbies" and his dressing (_not_ including +the shaving), and made his way to Mr. Bouncer's rooms, where he did +full justice to the dove-tart, and admired the spread-eagle so much, +that he thought of bribing the confectioner for the recipe to take home +as a Christmas-box for his mother. + +"Well, Giglamps," said Mr. Bouncer, when breakfast was over, "to spare +the blushes on your venerable cheeks, I won't even so much as refer to +the billy duxes; but, I'll only ask, what was the damage of the tick?" + +"Oh! it was not a bill," replied Mr. Verdant Green; "it was a letter +about a dog from the man of whom I bought Mop last term." + +"What! Filthy Lucre?" cried Mr. Bouncer; "well, I thought, somehow, I +knew the fist! he writes just as if he'd learnt from imitating his dogs' +hind-legs. Let's have a sight of it if it ain't private and +confidential!" + +"Oh dear no! on the contrary, I was going to show it to you, and ask +your advice on the contents." And Verdant handed to Mr. Bouncer a +letter, which had been elaborately sealed with the aid of a key, and was +directed high up in the left-hand corner to + + "Virdon grene esqre braisenface + collidge Oxford." + +[Illustration] + +"You look beastly lazy, Charley!" said Mr. Bouncer to Mr. Charles +Larkyns; "so, while I fill my pipe, just spit out the letter, _pro +bono_." And Charles Larkyns, lying in Mr. Bouncer's easiest lounging +chair, read as follows:-- + + "Onnerd sir i tak the libbaty of a Dressin of you in respex of A + dog which i wor sorry For to ear of your Loss in mop which i had + The pleshur of Sellin of 2 you onnerd sir A going astray And not a + turnin hup Bein of A unsurtin Tempor and guv to A folarin of + strandgers which wor maybe as ow You wor a lusein on him onnerd + Sir bein Overdogd at this ere present i can let you have A rale + good teryer at A barrging which wold giv sattefacshun onnered Sir + it wor 12 munth ago i Sold to Bounser esqre a red smooth air + terier Dog anserin 2 nam of Tug as wor rite down goodun and No + mistake onnerd Sir the purpurt Of this ere is too say as ow i have + a Hone brother to Tug black tann and ful ears and If you wold like + him i shold bee prowd too wate on you onnerd Sir he wor by + robbingsons Twister out of mister jones of abingdons Fan of witch + brede Bounser esqre nose on the merritts onnerd Sir he is very + Smal and smooth air and most xlent aither for wood Or warter a + liter before Tug onnerd Sir is nam is Vermin and he hant got his + nam by no mistake as No Vermin not even poll katts can live long + before him onnerd Sir I considders as vermin is very sootble + compannion for a Gent indors or hout and bein lively wold give + amoosement i shall fele it A plesure a waitin on you onnerd Sir + opin you will pardin the libbaty of a Dressin of you but my head + wor ful of vermin and i wishd to tel you + + "onnerd Sir yures + 2 komand j. Looker." + +"The nasty beggar!" said Mr. Bouncer, in reference to the last +paragraph. "Well, Giglamps! Filthy Lucre does'nt tell fibs when he says +that Tug came of a good breed: but he was so doosed pugnacious, that he +was always having set-to's with Huz and Buz, in the coal-shop just +outside the door here; and so, as I'd nowhere else to stow them, I was +obliged to give Tug away. Dr. What's-his-name says, 'Let dogs delight to +bark and bite, for 'tis their nature to.' But then, you see, it's only a +delight when they bite _somebody else's_ dog; and if Dr. What's-his-name +had had a kennel of his own, he would'nt have took it so coolly; and, +whether it was their nature so to do or not, he would'nt have let the +little beggars, that he fork'd out thirteen bob a-year for to the +government, amuse themselves by biting each other, or tearing out each +other's eyes; he'd have turn'd them over, don't you see, to his +neighbours' dogs, and have let them do the biting department on _them_. +And, altogether, Giglamps, I'd advise you to let Filthy Lucre's Vermin +alone, and have nothing to do with the breed." + +So Mr. Verdant Green took his friend's advice, and then took himself off +to learn boxing at the hands, and gloves, of the Putney Pet; for our +hero, at the suggestion of Mr. Charles Larkyns, had thought it advisable +to receive a few lessons in the fistic art, in order that he might be +the better able to defend himself, should he be engaged in a second Town +and Gown. He found the Pet in attendance upon Mr. Foote; and, by their +mutual aid, speedily mastered the elements of the Art of Self-defence. + +Mr. Foote's rooms at St. John's were in the further corner to the +right-hand side of the Quad, and had windows looking into the gardens. +When Charles had held his Court at St. John's, and when the loyal +College had melted down its plate to coin into money for the King's +necessities, the Royal visitor had occupied these very rooms. But it was +not on this account alone that they were the show rooms of the College, +and that tutors sent their compliments to Mr. Foote, with the request +that he would allow a party of friends to see his rooms. It was chiefly +on account of the lavish manner in which Mr. Foote had furnished his +rooms, with what he theatrically called "properties," that made them so +sought out: and country lionisers of Oxford, who took their impressions +of an Oxford student's room from those of Mr. Foote, must have +entertained very highly coloured ideas of the internal aspect of the +sober-looking old Colleges. + +The sitting-room was large and lofty, and was panelled with oak +throughout. At the further end was an elaborately carved book-case of +walnut wood, filled with books gorgeously bound in every tint of morocco +and vellum, with their backs richly tooled in gold. It was currently +reported in the College that "Footelights" had given an order for a +certain number of _feet_ of books,--not being at all proud as to their +contents,--and had laid down the sum of a thousand pounds (or +thereabouts) for their binding. This might have been scandal; but the +fact of his father being a Colossus of (the iron) Roads, and indulging +his son and heir in every expense, gave some colour to the rumour. + +The panels were covered with the choicest engravings (all +proofs-before-letters), and with water-colour drawings by Cattermole, +Cox, Fripp, Hunt, and Frederick Tayler--their wide, white margins being +sunk in light gilt frames. Above these gleamed groups of armour, +standing out effectively (and theatrically), against the dark oak +panels, and full of "reflected lights," that would have gladdened the +heart of Maclise. There were couches of velvet, and lounging chairs of +every variety and shape. There was a Broadwood's grand piano-forte, on +which Mr. Foote, although uninstructed, could play skilfully. There +were round tables and square tables, and writing tables; and there were +side tables with statuettes, and Swiss carvings, and old china, and gold +apostle-spoons, and lava ware, and Etruscan vases, and a swarm of +Spiers's elegant knick-knackeries. There were reading-stands of all +sorts; Briarean-armed brazen ones that fastened on to the chair you sat +in,--sloping ones to rest on the table before you, elaborately carved in +open work, and an upright one of severe Gothic, like a lectern, where +you were to stand and read without contracting your chest. Then there +were all kinds of stands to hold books: sliding ones, expanding ones, +portable ones, heavy fixture ones, plain mahogany ones, and oak ones +made glorious by Margetts with the arms of Oxford and St. John's, carved +and emblazoned on the ends. + +[Illustration] + +Mr. Foote's rooms were altogether a very gorgeous instance of a +Collegian's apartment; and Mr. Foote himself was a very striking example +of the theatrical undergraduate. Possessing great powers of mimicry and +facial expression, he was able to imitate any peculiarities which were +to be observed either in Dons or Undergraduates, in Presidents or +Scouts. He could sit down at his piano, and give you--after the manner +of Theodore Hook, or John Parry--a burlesque opera; singing high up in +his head for the prima donna, and going down to his boots for the _basso +profondo_ of the great Lablache. He could also draw corks, saw wood, do +a bee in a handkerchief, and make monkeys, cats, dogs, a farm-yard, or a +full band, with equal facility. He would also give you Mr. Keeley, in +"Betsy Baker;" Mr. Paul Bedford, as "I believe you my bo-o-oy!" Mr. +Buckstone, as Cousin Joe, and "Box and Cox;" or Mr. Wright, as Paul Pry, +or Mr. Felix Fluffy. Besides the comedians, Mr. Footelights would also +give you the leading tragedians, and would favour you (through his nose) +with the popular burlesque imitation of Mr. Charles Kean, as _Hablet_. +He would fling himself down on the carpet, and grovel there, as Hamlet +does in the play-scene, and would exclaim, with frantic vehemence, "He +poisods hib i' the garded, for his estate. His dabe's Godzago: the story +is extadt, ad writted id very choice Italiad. You shall see adod, how +the burderer gets the love of Godzago's wife." Moreover, as his room +possessed the singularity of a trap-door leading down into a +wine-cellar, Mr. "Footelights" was thus enabled to leap down into the +aperture, and carry on the personation of Hamlet in Ophelia's grave. As +the theatrical trait in his character was productive of much amusement, +and as he was also considered to be one of those hilarious fragments of +masonry, popularly known as "jolly bricks," Mr. Foote's society was +greatly cultivated; and Mr. Verdant Green struck up a warm friendship +with him. + +But the Michaelmas term was drawing to its close. Buttery and kitchen +books were adding up their sums total; bursars were preparing for +battels;[13] witless men were cramming for Collections;[14] scouts and +bedmakers were looking for tips; and tradesmen were hopelessly expecting +their little accounts. And, in a few days, Mr. Verdant Green might have +been seen at the railway station, in company with Mr. Charles Larkyns +and Mr. Bouncer, setting out for the Manor Green, _viâ_ London--this +being, as is well known, the most direct route from Oxford to +Warwickshire. + +Mr. Bouncer, who when travelling was never easy in his mind unless Huz +and Buz were with him in the same carriage, had placed these two +interesting specimens of the canine species in a small light box, +partially ventilated by means of holes drilled through the top. But Huz +and Buz, not much admiring this contracted mode of conveyance, and +probably suffering from incipient asphyxia, in spite of the admonitory +kicks against their box, gave way to dismal howls, at the very moment +when the guard came to look at the tickets. + +"Can't allow dogs in here, sir! they must go in the locker," said the +guard. + +"Dogs?" cried Mr. Bouncer, in apparent astonishment: "they're rabbits!" + +"Rabbits!" ejaculated the guard, in his turn. "Oh, come, sir! what makes +rabbits bark?" + +"What makes 'em bark? Why, because they've got the pip, poor beggars!" +replied Mr. Bouncer, promptly. At which the guard graciously laughed, +and retired; probably thinking that he should, in the end, be a gainer +if he allowed Huz and Buz to journey in the same first-class carriage +with their master. + +FOOTNOTES: + +[12] The rations of bread, butter, and milk, supplied from the buttery. +The breakfast-giver tells his scout the names of those in-college men +who are coming to breakfast with him. The scout then collects their +commons, which thus forms the substratum of the entertainment. The other +things are of course supplied by the giver of the breakfast, and are +sent in by the confectioner. As to the knives and forks and crockery, +the scout produces them from his common stock. + +[13] Battels are the accounts of the expenses of each student. It is +stated in Todd's _Johnson_ that this singular word is derived from the +Saxon verb, meaning "to count or reckon." But it is stated in the +_Gentleman's Magazine_ for 1792, that the word may probably be derived +from the Low-German word _bettahlen_, "to pay," whence may come our +English word, _tale_ or _score_. + +[14] College Terminal Examinations. + + + + +CHAPTER VIII. + +MR. VERDANT GREEN SPENDS A MERRY CHRISTMAS AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR. + + +Christmas had come; the season of kindness, and hospitality; the season +when the streams of benevolence flow full in their channels; the season +when the Honourable Miss Hyems indulges herself with ice, while the +vulgar Jack Frost regales himself with cold-without. Christmas had come, +and had brought with it an old fashioned winter; and, as Mr. Verdant +Green stands with his hands in his pockets, and gazes from the +drawing-room of his paternal mansion, he looks forth upon a white world. + +The snow is everywhere. The shrubs are weighed down by masses of it; the +terrace is knee-deep in it; the plaster Apollo, in the long-walk, is +more than knee-deep in it, and is furnished with a surplice and wig, +like a half-blown Bishop. The distant country looks the very ghost of a +landscape: the white-walled cottages seem part and parcel of the +snow-drifts around them,--drifts that take every variety of form, and +are swept by the wind into faëry wreaths, and fantastic caves. The old +mill-wheel is locked fast, and gemmed with giant icicles; its slippery +stairs are more slippery than ever. Golden gorse and purple heather are +now all of a colour; orchards puts forth blossoms of real snow; the +gently swelling hills look bright and dazzling in the wintry sun; the +grey church tower has grown from grey to white; nothing looks black, +except the swarms of rooks that dot the snowy fields, or make their caws +(long as any Chancery-suit) to be heard from among the dark branches of +the stately elms that form the avenue to the Manor-Green. + +[Illustration] + +It is a rare busy time for the intelligent Mr. Mole the gardener! he is +always sweeping at that avenue, and, do what he will, he cannot keep it +clear from snow. As Mr. Verdant Green looks forth upon the white world, +his gaze is more particularly directed to this avenue, as though the +form of the intelligent Mr. Mole was an object of interest. From time to +time Mr. Verdant Green consults his watch in a nervous manner, and is +utterly indifferent to the appeals of the robin-redbreast who is hopping +about outside, in expectation of the dinner which has been daily given +to him. + +[Illustration] + +Just when the robin, emboldened by hunger, has begun to tap fiercely +with his bill against the window-pane, as a gentle hint that the +smallest donations of crumbs of comfort will be thankfully +received,--Mr. Verdant Green, utterly oblivious of robins in general, +and of the sharp pecks of this one in particular, takes no notice of the +little redbreast waiter with the bill, but, slightly colouring up, fixes +his gaze upon the lodge-gate through which a group of ladies and +gentlemen are passing. Stepping back for a moment, and stealing a glance +at himself in the mirror, Mr. Verdant Green hurriedly arranges and +disarranges his hair--pulls about his collar--ties and unties his +neck-handkerchief--buttons and then unbuttons his coat--takes another +look from the window--sees the intelligent Mr. Mole (besom in hand) +salaaming the party, and then makes a rush for the vestibule, to be at +the door to receive them. + +Let us take a look at them as they come up the avenue. _Place aux +dames_, is the proper sort of thing; but as there is no rule without its +exception, and no adage without its counter-proverb, we will give the +gentlemen the priority of description. + +Hale and hearty, the picture of amiability and gentlemanly feeling, +comes the Rector, Mr. Larkyns, sturdily crunching the frozen snow, which +has defied all the besom powers of the intelligent Mr. Mole. Here, too, +is Mr. Charles Larkyns, and, moreover, his friend Henry Bouncer, Esq., +who has come to Christmas at the Rectory. Following in their wake is a +fourth gentleman attired in the costume peculiar to clergymen, +dissenting ministers, linen-drapers' assistants, and tavern waiters. He +happens to belong to the first-named section, and is no less a person +than the Rev. Josiah Meek, B.A., (St. Christopher's Coll., Oxon.)--who, +for the last three months, has officiated as Mr. Larkyns's curate. He +appears to be of a peace-loving, lamb-like disposition; and, though +sportive as a lamb when occasion requires, is yet of timid ways and +manners. He is timid, too, in voice,--speaking in a feeble treble; he is +timid, too, in his address,--more particularly as regards females; and +he has mild-looking whiskers, that are far too timid to assume any +decided or obtrusive colour, and have fallen back on a generalised +whitey-brown tint. But, though timid enough in society, he was bold and +energetic in the discharge of his pastoral duties, and had already won +the esteem of every one in the parish. So, Verdant had been told, when, +on his return from college, he had asked his sisters how they liked the +new curate. They had not only heard of his good deeds, but they had +witnessed many of them in their visits to the schools and among the +poor. Mary and Fanny were loud in his praise; and if Helen said but +little, it was perhaps because she thought the more; for Helen was now +of the susceptible age of "sweet seventeen," an age that not only feels +warmly but thinks deeply; and, who shall say what feelings and thoughts +may be beneath the pure waters of that sea of maidenhood whose surface +is so still and calm? Love alone can tell:--Love, the bold diver, who +can cleave that still surface, and bring up into the light of heaven the +rich treasures that are of Heaven's own creation. + +With the four gentlemen come two ladies--young ladies, moreover, who, as +penny-a-liners say, are "possessed of considerable personal +attractions." These are the Misses Honeywood, the blooming daughters of +the rector's only sister; and they have come from the far land of the +North, and are looking as fresh and sweet as their own heathery hills. +The roses of health that bloom upon their cheeks have been brought into +full blow by the keen, sharp breeze; the shepherd's-plaid shawls drawn +tightly around them give the outline of figures that gently swell into +the luxuriant line of beauty and grace. Altogether, they are damsels who +are pleasant to the eye, and very fair to look upon. + +Since they had last visited their uncle four years had passed, and, in +that time, they had shot up to womanhood, although they were not yet out +of their teens. Their father was a landed proprietor living in north +Northumberland; and, like other landed proprietors who live under the +shade of the Cheviots, was rich in his flocks, and his herds, and his +men-servants and his maid-servants, and his he-asses and his she-asses, +and was quite a modern patriarch. During the past summer, the rector had +taken a trip to Northumberland, in order to see his sister, and refresh +himself with a clergyman's fortnight at Honeywood Hall, and he would not +leave his sister and her husband until he had extracted from them a +promise that they would bring down their two eldest daughters and +Christmas in Warwickshire. This was accordingly agreed to, and, more +than that, acted upon; and little Mr. Bouncer and his sister Fanny were +asked to meet them; but, to relieve the rector of a superfluity of lady +guests, Miss Bouncer's quarters had been removed to the Manor Green. + +It was quite an event in the history of our hero and his sisters. Four +years ago, they, and Kitty and Patty Honeywood, were mere chits, for +whom dolls had not altogether lost their interest, and who considered it +as promotion when they sat in the drawing-room on company evenings, +instead of being shown up at dessert. Four years at this period of life +makes a vast change in young ladies, and the Green and Honeywood girls +had so altered since last they met, that they had almost needed a fresh +introduction to each other. But a day's intimacy made them bosom +friends; and the Manor Green soon saw such revels as it had not seen for +many a long year. + +Every night there were (in the language of the play-bills of provincial +theatres) "singing and dancing, with a variety of other entertainments;" +the "other entertainments" occasionally consisting (as is scandalously +affirmed) of a very favourite class of entertainment--popular at all +times, but running mad riot at the Christmas season--wherein two +performers of either sex take their places beneath a white-berried +bough, and go through a species of dance, or _pas de fascination_, +accompanied by mysterious rites and solemnities that have been +scrupulously observed, and handed down to us, from the earliest age. + +[Illustration] + +Mr. Verdant Green, during the short--alas! _too_ short--Christmas week, +had performed more polkas than he had ever danced in his life; and, +under the charming tuition of Miss Patty Honeywood, was fast becoming a +proficient in the _valse à deux temps_. As yet, the whirl of the dance +brought on a corresponding rotatory motion of the brain, that made +everything swim before his spectacles in a way which will be easily +understood by all bad travellers who have crossed from Dover to Calais +with a chopping sea and a gale of wind. But Miss Patty Honeywood was +both good-natured and persevering: and she allowed our hero to dance on +her feet without a murmur, and watchfully guided him when his giddy +vision would have led them into contact with foreign bodies. + +It is an old saying, that Gratitude begets Love. Mr. Verdant Green had +already reached the first part of this dangerous creation, for he felt +grateful to the pretty Patty for the good-humoured trouble she bestowed +on the awkwardness, which he now, for the first time, began painfully to +perceive. But, what his gratitude might end in, he had perhaps never +taken the trouble to inquire. It was enough to Mr. Verdant Green that he +enjoyed the present; and, as to the future, he fully followed out the +Horatian precept-- + + Quid sit futurum cras, fuge quærere; + ... nec dulces amores + Sperne, puer, neque tu choreas. + +[Illustration] + +It was perhaps ungrateful in our hero to prefer Miss Patty Honeywood to +Miss Fanny Bouncer, especially when the latter was staying in the house, +and had been so warmly recommended to his notice by her vivacious +brother. Especially, too, as there was nothing to be objected to in Miss +Bouncer, saving the fact that some might have affirmed she was a trifle +too much inclined to _embonpoint_, and was indeed a bouncer in person as +well as in name. Especially, too, as Miss Fanny Bouncer was both +good-humoured and clever, and, besides being mistress of the usual +young-lady accomplishments, was a clever proficient in the fascinating +art of photography, and had brought her camera and chemicals, and had +not only calotyped Mr. Verdant Green, but had made no end of duplicates +of him, in a manner that was suggestive of the deepest admiration and +affection. But these sort of likings are not made to rule, and Mr. +Verdant Green could see Miss Fanny Bouncer approach without betraying +any of those symptoms of excitement, under the influence of which we had +the privilege to see him, as he gazed from the window of his paternal +mansion, and then, on beholding the approaching form of Miss Patty +Honeywood, rush wildly to the vestibule. + +The party had no occasion to ring, for the hall door was already opened +for them, and Mr. Verdant Green was soon exchanging a delightful +pressure of the hand with the blooming Patty. + +"We were such a formidable party," said that young lady, as she laughed +merrily, and thereby disclosed to the enraptured gazer a remarkably even +set of white teeth ("All her own, too!" as little Mr. Bouncer afterwards +remarked to the enraptured gazer); "we were such a formidable party," +said Miss Patty, "that papa and mamma declared they would stay behind at +the Rectory, and would not join in such a visitation." + +Mr. Verdant Green replies, "Oh dear! I am very sorry," and looks +remarkably delighted--though it certainly may not be at the absence of +the respected couple; and he then proclaims that everything is ready, +and that Miss Bouncer and his sisters had found out some capital words. + +"What a mysterious communication, Verdant!" remarks the rector, as they +pass into the house. But the rector is only to be let so far into the +secret as to be informed that, at the evening party which is to be held +at the Manor Green that night, a charade or two will be acted, in order +to diversify the amusements. The Misses Honeywood are great adepts in +this sort of pastime; so, also, are Miss Bouncer and her brother. For +although the latter does not shine as a mimic, yet, as he is never +deserted by his accustomed coolness, he has plenty of the _nonchalance_ +and readiness which is a requisite for charade acting. The Miss +Honeywoods and Mr. Bouncer have therefore suggested to Mr. Verdant Green +and his sisters, that to get up a little amateur performance would be +"great fun;" and the suggestion has met with a warm approval. + +The drawing-room at the Manor Green opened by large folding-doors to the +library; so (as Mr. Bouncer observed to our hero), "there you've got +your stage and your drop-scene as right as a trivet; and, if you stick a +lot of candles and lights on each side of the doors in the library, +there you'll have a regular flare-up that'll show off your venerable +giglamps no end." + +So charades were determined on; and, when words had been hunted up, a +council of war was called. But, as the ladies and gentlemen hold their +council with closed doors, we cannot intrude upon them. We must +therefore wait till the evening, when the result of their deliberations +will be publicly manifested. + + + + +CHAPTER IX. + +MR. VERDANT GREEN MAKES HIS FIRST APPEARANCE ON ANY BOARDS. + + +It is the last night of December. The old year, worn out and spent with +age, lies a dying, wrapped in sheets of snow. + +[Illustration] + +A stern stillness reigns around. The steps of men are muffled; no +echoing footfalls disturb the solemn nature of the time. The little +runnels weep icy tears. The dark pines hang out their funereal plumes, +and nod with their weight of snow. The elms have thrown off their green +robes of joy, and, standing up in gaunt nakedness, wildly toss to heaven +their imploring arms. The old year lies a dying. + +Silently through the snow steal certain carriages to the portals of the +Manor Green: and, with a ringing of bells and a banging of steps, the +occupants disappear in a stream of light that issues from the hall door. +Mr. Green's small sanctum to the right of the hall has been converted +into a cloak-room, and is fitted up with a ladies'-maid and a +looking-glass, in a manner not to be remembered by the oldest +inhabitant. + +There the finishing stroke of ravishment is given to the toilette +disarranged by a long drive through the impeding snow. There Miss +Parkington (whose papa has lately revived his old school friendship with +Mr. Green) discovers, to her unspeakable disgust, that the ten mile +drive through the cold has invested her cheek with purple tints, and +given to her _retroussé_ (ill-natured people call it "pug") nose a hue +that mocks + + The turkey's crested fringe. + +[Illustration] + +There, too, Miss Waters (whose paternities had hitherto only been on +morning-call terms with the Manor Green people, but had brushed up their +acquaintance now that there was a son of marriageable years and heir to +an independent fortune) discovers to her dismay that the joltings +received during a six-mile drive through snowed-up lanes, have somewhat +deteriorated the very full-dress aspect of her attire, and considerably +flattened its former balloon-like dimensions. And there, too, Miss +Brindle (whose family have been hunted up for the occasion) makes the +alarming discovery that, in the lurch which their hack-fly had made at +the cross roads, her brother Alfred's patent boots had not only dragged +off some yards (more or less) of her flounces, but had also--to use her +own mystical language--"torn her skirt at the gathers!" + +All, however, is put right as far as possible. A warm at the sanctum's +fire diminishes the purple in Miss Parkington's cheeks; and the maid, by +some hocus-pocus peculiar to her craft, again inflates Miss Waters into +a balloon, and stitches up Miss Brindle's flounces and "gathers." The +ladies join their respective gentlemen, who have been cooling their toes +and uttering warm anathemas in the hall; and the party sail, arm-in-arm, +into the drawing-room, and forthwith fall to lively remarks on that +neutral ground of conversation, the weather. + +[Illustration] + +Mr. Verdant Green is there, dressed with elaborate magnificence; but he +continues in a state of listless apathy, and is indifferent to the +"lively" rattle of the balloon-like Miss Waters, until John the footman +(who is suffering from influenza) rouses him into animation by the magic +talisman "Bister, Bissis, an' the Biss 'Oneywoods;" when he beams +through his spectacles in the most benign and satisfied manner. The +Misses Honeywood are as blooming as usual: the cold air, instead of +spoiling their good looks, has but improved their healthy style of +beauty; and they smile, laugh, and talk in a perfectly easy, unaffected, +and natural manner. Mr. Verdant Green at once makes his way to Miss +Patty Honeywood's side, and, gracefully standing beside her, coffee-cup +in hand, plunges headlong into the depths of a tangled conversation. + +Meanwhile, the drawing-room of the Manor Green becomes filled in a way +that has not been seen for many a long year; and the intelligent Mr. +Mole, the gardener (who has been impressed as an odd man for the +occasion, and is served up in a pseudo-livery to make him more +presentible), sees more "genteel" people than have, for a long time, +been visible to his naked eye. The intelligent Mr. Mole, when he has +afterwards been restored to the bosom of Mrs. Mole and his family, +confides to his equally intelligent helpmate that, in his opinion, +"Master has guv the party to get husbands for the young ladies"--an +opinion which, though perhaps not founded on fact so far as it related +to the party which was the subject of Mr. Mole's remark, would doubtless +be applicable to many similar parties given under somewhat similar +circumstances. + +It is not improbable that the intelligent Mr. Mole may have based his +opinion on a circumstance--which, to a gentleman of his sagacity, must +have carried great weight--namely, that whenever in the course of the +evening the hall was made the promenade for the loungers and dancers, he +perceived, firstly, that Miss Green was invariably accompanied by Mr. +Charles Larkyns; secondly, that the Rev. Josiah Meek kept Miss Helen +dallying about the wine and lemonade tray much longer than was necessary +for the mere consumption of the cooling liquids; and thirdly, that Miss +Fanny, who was a pert, talkative Miss of sixteen, was continually to be +found there with either Mr. Henry Bouncer or Mr. Alfred Brindle dancing +attendance upon her. But, be this as it may, the intelligent Mr. Mole +was impressed with the conviction that Mr. Green had called his young +friends together as to a matrimonial auction, and that his daughters +were to be put up without reserve, and knocked down to the highest +bidder. + +All the party have arrived. The weather has been talked over for the +last time (for the present); a harp, violin, and a cornet-à-piston from +the county town, influenced by the spirit of gin-and-water, are heard +discoursing most eloquent music in the dining-room, which has been +cleared out for the dance. Miss Patty Honeywood, accepting the offer of +Mr. Verdant Green's arm, swims joyously out of the room; other ladies +and gentlemen pair, and follow: the ball is opened. + +A polka follows the quadrille; and, while the dancers rest awhile from +their exertions, or crowd around the piano in the drawing-room to hear +the balloon-like Miss Waters play a firework piece of music, in which +execution takes the place of melody, and chromatic scales are discharged +from her fingers like showers of rockets, Mr. Verdant Green mysteriously +weeds out certain members of the party, and vanishes with them upstairs. + +[Illustration] + +When Miss Waters has discharged all her fireworks, and has descended +from the throne of her music-stool, a set of Lancers is formed; and, +while the usual mistakes are being made in the figures, the dancers +find a fruitful subject of conversation in surmises that a charade +is going to be acted. The surmise proves to be correct; for when +the set has been brought to an end with that peculiar in-and-out +tum-tum-tiddle-iddle-tum-tum-tum movement which characterises the last +figure of _Les Lanciers_, the trippers on the light fantastic toe are +requested to assemble in the drawing-room, where the chairs and couches +have been pulled up to face the folding doors that lead into the +library. Mr. Verdant Green appears; and, after announcing that the word +to be acted will be one of three syllables, and that each syllable will +be represented by itself, and that then the complete word will be given, +throws open the folding doors for + +SCENE I. _Syllable_ 1.--Enter the Miss Honeywoods, dressed in +fashionable bonnets and shawls. They are shown in by a footman (Mr. +Bouncer) attired in a peculiarly ingenious and effective livery, made by +pulling up the trousers to the knee, and wearing the dress-coat inside +out, so as to display the crimson silk linings of the sleeves: the +effect of Mr. Bouncer's appearance is considerably heightened by a +judicious outlay of flour sprinkled over his hair. Mr. Bouncer (as +footman) gives the ladies chairs, and inquires, "What name shall I be +pleased to say, mem?" Miss Patty answers in a languid and fashionable +voice, "The Ladies Louisa and Arabella Mountfidget." Mr. Bouncer +evaporates with a low bow, leaving the ladies to play with their +parasols, and converse. Lady Arabella (Miss Patty) then expresses a +devout wish that Lady Trotter (wife of Sir Lambkin Trotter, Bart.), in +whose house they are supposed to be, will not keep them waiting as long +as she detained her aunt, Lady Bellwether, when the poor old lady fell +asleep from sheer fatigue, and was found snoring on the sofa. Lady +Louisa then falls to an inspection of the card-tray, and reads the +paste-boards of some high-sounding titles not to be found in Debrett, +and expresses wonder as to where Lady Trotter can have picked up the +Duchess of Ditchwater's card, as she (Lady Louisa) is morally convinced +that her Grace can never have condescended to have even sent in her card +by a footman. Becoming impatient at the non-appearance of Lady Trotter, +Miss Patty Honeywood then rings the bell, and, with much asperity of +manner, inquires of Mr. Bouncer (as footman) if Lady Trotter is informed +that the Ladies Louisa and Arabella Mountfidget are waiting to see her? +Mr. Bouncer replies, with a footman's bow, and a footman's +_h_exasperation of his h's, "Me lady is hawcer hof your ladyships' +visit; but me lady is at present hunable to happear: me lady, 'owever, +has give me a message, which she hasks me to deliver to your ladyships." +"Then why don't you deliver it at once," says Miss Patty, "and not +waste the valuable time of the Ladies Louisa and Arabella Mountfidget? +What _is_ the message?" "Me lady," replies Mr. Bouncer, "requests me to +present her compliments to your ladyships, and begs me to hinform you +that me lady is a cleaning of herself!" Amid great laughter from the +audience, the Ladies Mountfidget toss their heads and flutter grandly +out of the room, followed by the floured footman; while Mr. Verdant +Green, unseen by those in front, pushes-to the folding doors, to show +that the first syllable is performed. + +Praises of the acting, and guesses at the word, agreeably fill up the +time till the next scene. The Revd Josiah Meek, who is not much used to +charades, confides to Miss Helen Green that he surmises the word to be, +either "visitor" or "impudence" but, as the only ground to this surmise +rests on these two words being words of three syllables, Miss Helen +gently repels the idea, and sagely observes "we shall see more in the +next scene." + +SCENE II. _Syllable_ 2.--The folding-doors open, and discover Mr. +Verdant Green, as a sick gentleman, lying on a sofa, in a dressing-gown, +with pillows under his head, and Miss Patty Honeywood in attendance upon +him. A table, covered with glasses and medicine bottles, is drawn up to +the sufferer's couch in an inviting manner. Miss Patty informs the +sufferer that the time is come for him to take his draught. The sufferer +groans in a dismal manner, and says, "Oh! is it, my dear?" She replies, +"Yes! you must take it now;" and sternly pours some sherry wine out of +the medicine bottle into a cup. The sufferer makes piteous faces, and +exclaims, "It is so nasty, I can't take it, my love!" (It is to be +observed that Mr. Verdant Green, skilfully taking advantage of the +circumstance that Miss Patty Honeywood is supposed to represent the wife +of the sufferer, plentifully besprinkles his conversation with endearing +epithets.) When, after much persuasion and groaning, the sufferer has +been induced to take his medicine, his spouse announces the arrival of +the doctor; when, enter Mr. Bouncer, still floured as to his head, but +wearing spectacles, a long black coat, and a shirt-frill, and having his +dress otherwise altered so as to represent a medical man of the old +school. The doctor asks what sort of a night his patient has had, +inspects his tongue with professional gravity, feels his pulse, looks at +his watch, and mysteriously shakes his head. He then commences thrusting +and poking Mr. Verdant Green in various parts of his body,--after the +manner of doctors with their victims, and farmers with their +beasts,--enquiring between each poke, "Does that hurt you?" and being +answered by a convulsive "Oh!" and a groan of agony. The doctor then +prescribes a draught to be taken every half-hour, with the pills and +blister at bed-time; and, after covering his two fellow-actors with +confusion, by observing that he leaves his patient in admirable hands, +and, that in an affection of the heart, the application of lip-salve and +warm treatment will give a decided tone to the system, and produce +soothing and grateful emotions--takes his leave; and the folding-doors +are closed on the blushes of Miss Patty Honeywood, and Mr. Verdant +Green. + +[Illustration] + +More applause: more agreeable conversation: more ingenious speculations. +The Revd. Josiah Meek is now of opinion that the word is either +"medicine" or "suffering." Miss Helen still sagely observes, "we shall +see more in the next scene." + +SCENE III. _Syllable_ 3.--Mr. Verdant Green discovered sitting at a +table furnished with pens and ink, books, and rolls of paper. Mr. +Verdant Green wears on his head a Chelsea pensioner's cocked-hat (the +"property" of the Family,--as Mr. Footelights would have said), folded +into a shovel shape; and is supposed to accurately represent the outside +of a London publisher. To him enter Mr. Bouncer--the flour off his +head--coat buttoned tightly to the throat, no visible linen, and wearing +in his face and appearance generally, "the garb of humility." Says the +publisher "Now, sir, please to state your business, and be quick about +it: I am much engaged in looking over for the press a work of a +distinguished author, which I am just about to publish." Meekly replies +the other, as he holds under his arm an immense paper packet: "It is +about a work of my own, sir, that I have now ventured to intrude upon +you. I have here, sir, a small manuscript," (producing his roll of a +book), "which I am ambitious to see given to the world through the +medium of your printing establishment." To him, the Publisher--"Already +am I inundated with manuscripts on all possible subjects, and cannot +undertake to look at any more for some time to come. What is the nature +of your manuscript?" Meekly replies the other--"The theme of my work, +sir, is a History of England before the Flood. The subject is both new +and interesting. It is to be presumed that our beloved country existed +before the Flood: if so, it must have had a history. I have therefore +endeavoured to fill up what is lacking in the annals of our land, by a +record of its antediluvian state, adapted to the meanest comprehension, +and founded on the most baseless facts. I am desirous, sir, to see +myself in print. I should like my work, sir, to appear in large letters; +in very large letters, sir. Indeed, sir, it would give me joy, if you +would condescend to print it altogether in capital letters: my _magnum +opus_ might then be called with truth, a capital work." To him, the +Publisher--"Much certainly depends on the character of the printing." +Meekly the author--"Indeed, sir, it does. A great book, sir, should be +printed in great letters. If you will permit me, I will show you the +size of the letters in which I should wish my book to be printed." Mr. +Bouncer then points out in some books on the table, the printing he most +admires; and, beseeching the Publisher to read over his manuscript, and +think favourably of his History of England before the Flood, makes his +bow to Mr. Verdant Green and the Chelsea pensioner's cocked hat. + +More applause, and speculations. The Revd. Josiah Meek confident that he +has discovered the word. It must be either "publisher" or "authorship." +Miss Helen still sage. + +SCENE IV. _The Word._--Miss Bouncer discovered with her camera, +arranging her photographic chemicals. She soliloquises. "There! now, all +is ready for my sitter." She calls the footman (Mr. Verdant Green), and +says, "John, you may show the Lady Fitz-Canute upstairs." The footman +shows in Miss Honeywood, dressed in an antiquated bonnet and mantle, +waving a huge fan. John gives her a chair, into which she drops, +exclaiming, "What an insufferable toil it is to ascend to these elevated +Photographic rooms;" and makes good use of her fan. Miss Bouncer then +fixes the focus of her camera, and begs the Lady Fitz-Canute to sit +perfectly still, and to call up an agreeable smile to her face. Miss +Honeywood thereupon disposes her face in ludicrous "wreathed smiles;" +and Miss Bouncer's head disappears under the velvet hood of the camera. +"I am afraid," at length says Miss Bouncer, "I am afraid that I shall +not be able to succeed in taking a likeness of your ladyship this +morning." "And why, pray?" asks her ladyship with haughty surprise. +"Because it is a gloomy day," replies the Photographer, "and much +depends upon the rays of light." "Then procure the rays of light!" "That +is more than I can do." "Indeed! I suppose if the Lady Fitz-Canute +wishes for the rays of light, and condescends to pay for the rays of +light, she can obtain the rays of light." Miss Bouncer considers this +too _exigeant_, and puts her sitter off by promising to complete a most +fascinating portrait of her on some more favourable day. Lady +Fitz-Canute appears to be somewhat mollified at this, and is graciously +pleased to observe, "Then I will undergo the fatigue of ascending to +these elevated Photographic-rooms at some future period. But, mind, when +I next come, that you procure the rays of light!" So she is shown out by +Mr. Verdant Green, and the folding-doors are closed amid applause, and +the audience distract themselves with guesses as to the word. + +"Photograph" is a general favourite, but is found not to agree with the +three first scenes, although much ingenuity is expended in endeavouring +to make them fit the word. The Curate makes a headlong rush at the word +"Daguerreotype," and is confident that he has solved the problem, until +he is informed that it is a word of more than three syllables. Charles +Larkyns has already whispered the word to Mary Green; but they keep +their discovery to themselves. At length, the Revd. Josiah Meek, in a +moment of inspiration, hits upon the word, and proclaims it to be +CALOTYPE ("Call--oh!--type;") upon which Mr. Alfred Brindle declares to +Miss Fanny Green that he had fancied it must be that, all along, and, in +fact, was just on the point of saying it: and the actors, coming in in a +body, receive the violet-crowns and laurel-wreaths of praise as the meed +of their exertions. Perhaps, the Miss Honeywoods and Mr. Bouncer +receive larger crowns than the others, but Mr. Verdant Green gets his +due share, and is fully satisfied with his first appearance on "the +boards." + +[Illustration] + +Dancing then succeeds, varied by songs from the young ladies, and +discharges of chromatic fireworks from the fingers of Miss Waters, for +whom Charles Larkyns does the polite, in turning over the leaves of her +music. Then some carol-singers come to the Hall-door, and the bells of +the church proclaim, in joyful peals, the birth of the New Year;--a new +year of hopes, and joys, and cares, and griefs, and unions, and +partings;--a new year of which, who then present shall see the end? who +shall be there to welcome in its successor? who shall be absent, laid in +the secret places of the earth? Ah, _who_? For, even in the midst of +revelry and youth, the joy-peals of those old church bells can strike +the key-note of a wail of grief. + +Another charade follows, in which new actors join. Then comes a merry +supper, in which Mr. Alfred Brindle, in order to give himself courage to +appear in the next charade, takes more champagne than is good for him; +in which, too (probably, from similar champagney reasons), Miss +Parkington's unfortunately self-willed nose again assumes a more roseate +hue than is becoming to a maiden; in which, too, Mr. Verdant Green being +called upon to return thanks for "the ladies"--(toast, proposed in +eloquent terms by H. Bouncer, Esq., and drunk "with the usual +honours,")--is so alarmed at finding himself upon his legs, that his +ideas altogether vanish, and in great confusion of utterance, he +observes,--"I--I--ladies and gentlemen--feel--I--I--a--feel--assure +you--grattered and flattified--I mean, flattered and gratified--being +called on--return thanks--I--I--a--the ladies--give a larm to chife--I +mean, charm to life--(_applause_)--and--a--a--grace by their +table this presence,--I mean--a--a--(_applause_),--and joytened our +eye--I mean, heighted our joy, to-night--(_applause_),--in their +name--thanks--honour." Mr. Verdant Green takes advantage of the applause +which follows these incoherent remarks, and sits down, covered with +confusion, but thankful that the struggle is over. + +More dancing follows. Our hero performs prodigies in the _valse à deux +temps_, and twirls about until he has not a leg left to stand upon. The +harp, the violin, and the cornet-à-piston, from the county-town, play +mechanically in their sleep, and can only be roused by repeated +applications of gin-and-water. Carriages are ordered round: wraps are in +requisition: the mysterious rites under the white-berried bush are +stealthily repeated for the last time: the guests depart, as it were, in +a heap; the Rectory party being the last to leave. The intelligent Mr. +Mole, who has fuddled himself by an injudicious mixture of the +half-glasses of wine left on the supper-table, is exasperated with the +butler for not allowing him to assist in putting away the silver; and +declares that he (the butler) is "a hold himage," for which, he (the +intelligent Mr. M.), "don't care a button!" and, as the epithet "image" +appears to wondrously offend the butler, Mr. Mole is removed from +further consequences by his intelligent wife, who is waiting to conduct +her lord and master home. + +At length, the last light is out in the Manor-Green. Mr. Verdant Green +is lying uncomfortably upon his back, and is waltzing through Dreamland +with the blooming Patty Honeywood. + + + + +CHAPTER X. + +MR. VERDANT GREEN ENJOYS A REAL CIGAR. + + +The Christmas vacation passed rapidly away; the Honeywood family +returned to the far north; and, once more, Mr. Verdant Green found +himself within the walls of Brazenface. He and Mr. Bouncer had together +gone up to Oxford, leaving Charles Larkyns behind to keep a grace-term. + +Charles Larkyns had determined to take a good degree. For some time +past, he had been reading steadily; and, though only a few hours in each +day may be given to books--yet, when that is done, with regularity and +painstaking, a real and sensible progress is made. He knew that he had +good abilities, and he had determined not to let them remain idle any +longer, but to make that use of them for which they were given to him. +His examination would come on during the next term; and he hoped to turn +the interval to good account, and be able in the end to take a +respectable degree. He was destined for the Bar; and, as he had no wish +to be a briefless Barrister, he knew that college honours would be of +great advantage to him in his after career. He, at once, therefore, set +bodily to work to read up his subjects; while his father assisted him in +his labours, and Mary Green smiled a kind approval. + +Meanwhile, his friends, Mr. Verdant Green and Mr. Henry Bouncer, were +enjoying Oxford life, and disporting themselves among the crowd of +skaters in the Christ Church meadows. And a very different scene did the +meadows present to the time when they had last skimmed over its surface. +Then, the green fields were covered with sailing-boats, out-riggers, and +punts, and Mr. Verdant Green had nearly come to an untimely end in the +waters. But now the scene was changed! Jack Frost had stepped in, and +had seized the flood in his frozen fingers, and had bound it up in an +icy breast-plate. + +And a capital place did the meadows make for any Undergraduate who was +either a professed skater, or whose skating education (as in the case of +our hero) had been altogether neglected. For the water was only of a +moderate depth; so that, in the event of the ice giving way, there was +nothing to fear beyond a slight and partial ducking. This was +especially fortunate for Mr. Verdant Green, who, after having +experienced total submersion and a narrow escape from drowning on that +very spot, would never have been induced to again commit himself to the +surface of the deep, had he not been fully convinced that the deep had +now subsided into a shallow. With his breast fortified by this +resolution, he therefore fell a victim to the syren tongue of Mr. +Bouncer, when that gentleman observed to him with sincere feeling, +"Giglamps, old fellow! it would be a beastly shame, when there's such +jolly ice, if you did not learn to skate; especially, as I can show you +the trick." + +For, Mr. Bouncer was not only skilful with his hands and arms, but could +also perform feats with his feet. He could not only dance quadrilles in +dress boots in a ball-room, but he could also go through the figures on +the ice in a pair of skates. He could do the outside edge at a more +acute angle than the generality of people; he could cut figures of eight +that were worthy of Cocker himself, he could display spread-eagles that +would have astonished the Fellows of the Zoological Society. He could +skim over the thinnest ice in the most don't-care way; and, when +at full speed, would stoop to pick up a stone. He would take a +hop-skip-and-a-jump; and would vault over walking-sticks, as easily as +if he were on dry land,--an accomplishment which he had learnt of the +Count Doembrownski, a Russian gentleman, who, in his own country, lived +chiefly on skates, and, in this country, on pigeons, and whose short +residence in Oxford was suddenly brought to a full stop by the arbitrary +power of the Vice-Chancellor. So, Mr. Verdant Green was persuaded to +purchase, and put on a pair of skates, and to make his first appearance +as a skater in the Christ Church meadows, under the auspices of Mr. +Bouncer. + +The sensation of first finding yourself in a pair of skates is peculiar. +It is not unlike the sensation which must have been felt by the young +bear, when he was dropped from his mamma's mouth, and, for the first +time, told to walk. The poor little bear felt, that it was all very well +to say "walk,"--but how was he to do it? Was he to walk with his right +fore-leg only? or, with his left fore-leg? or, with both his fore-legs? +or, was he to walk with his right hind-leg? or, with his left hind-leg? +or, with both his hind-legs? or, was he to make a combination of hind +and fore-legs, and walk with all four at once? or, what was he to do? So +he tried each of these ways; and they all failed. Poor little bear! + +[Illustration] + +Mr. Verdant Green felt very much in the little bear's condition. He was +undecided whether to skate with his right leg, or with his left leg, or +with both his legs. He tried his right leg, and immediately it glided +off at right angles with his body, while his left leg performed a +similar and spontaneous movement in the contrary direction. Having +captured his left leg, he put it cautiously forwards, and immediately it +twisted under him, while his right leg amused itself by describing an +altogether unnecessary circle. Obtaining a brief mastery over both legs, +he put them forwards at the same moment, and they fled from beneath him, +and he was flung--bump!--on his back. Poor little bear! + +But, if it is hard to make a start in a pair of skates when you are in a +perpendicular position, how much is the difficulty increased when your +position has become a horizontal one! You raise yourself on your +knees,--you assist yourself with your hands,--and, no sooner have you +got one leg right, than away slides the other, and down you go. It is +like the movement in that scene with the pair of short stilts, in which +the French clowns are so amusing, and it is almost as difficult to +perform. Mr. Verdant Green soon found that though he might be ambitious +to excel in the polite accomplishment of skating, yet that his ambition +was destined to meet with many a fall. But he persevered, and +perseverance will achieve wonders, especially when aided by the tuition +of such an indefatigable gentleman as Mr. Bouncer. + +[Illustration] + +"You get on stunningly, Giglamps," said the little gentleman, "and +hav'nt been on your beam ends more than once a minute. But I should +advise you, old fellow, to get your sit-upons seated with +wash-leather,--just like the eleventh hussars do with their +cherry-coloured pants. It'll come cheaper in the end, and may be +productive of comfort. And now, after all these exciting ups and downs, +let us go and have a quiet hand at billiards." So the two friends +strolled up the High, where they saw two Queensmen "confessing their +shame," as Mr. Bouncer phrased it, by standing under the gateway of +their college; and went on to Bickerton's, where they found all the +tables occupied, and Jonathan playing a match with Mr. Fluke of +Christchurch. So, after watching the celebrated marker long enough to +inspire them with a desire to accomplish similar feats of dexterity, +they continued their walk to Broad Street, and, turning up a yard +opposite to the Clarendon, found that Betteris had an upstair room at +liberty. Here they accomplished several pleasing mathematical problems +with the balls, and contributed their modicum towards the smoking of the +ceiling of the room. + +Since Mr. Verdant Green had acquired the art of getting through a cigar +without making himself ill, he had looked upon himself as a genuine +smoker; and had, from time to time, bragged of his powers as regarded +the fumigation of "the herb Nicotiana, commonly called tobacco," (as the +Oxford statute tersely says). This was an amiable weakness on his part +that had not escaped the observant eye of Mr. Bouncer, who had +frequently taken occasion, in the presence of his friends, to defer to +Mr. Verdant Green's judgment in the matter of cigars. The train of +adulation being thus laid, an opportunity was only needed to fire it. It +soon came. + +[Illustration] + +"Once upon a time," as the story-books say, it chanced that Mr. Bouncer +was consuming his minutes and cigars at his tobacconist's, when his eye +lighted for the thousandth time on the roll of cabbage-leaves, brown +paper, and refuse tobacco, which being done up into the form of a +monster cigar (a foot long, and of proportionate thickness), was hung in +the shop-window, and did duty as a truthful token of the commodity +vended within. Mr. Bouncer had looked at this implement nine hundred +and ninety nine times, without its suggesting anything else to his +mind, than its being of the same class of art as the monster +mis-representations outside wild-beast shows; but he now gazed upon it +with new sensations. In short, Mr. Bouncer took such a fancy to the +thing, that he purchased it, and took it off to his rooms,--though he +did not mention this fact to his friend, Mr. Verdant Green, when he saw +him soon afterwards, and spoke to him of his excellent judgment in +tobacco. + +"A taste for smoke comes natural, Giglamps!" said Mr. Bouncer. "It's +what you call a _nascitur non fit_; and, if you haven't the gift, why +you can't purchase it. Now, you're a judge of smoke; it's a gift with +you, don't you see; and you could no more help knowing a good weed from +a bad one, than you could help waggling your tail if you were a +baa-lamb." + +Mr. Verdant Green bowed, and blushed, in acknowledgment of this +delightful flattery. + +"Now, there's old Footelights, you know; he's got an uncle, who's a +governor, or some great swell, out in Barbadoes. Well, every now and +then the old trump sends Footelights no end of a box of weeds; not +common ones, you understand, but regular tip-toppers; but they're quite +thrown away on poor Footelights, who'd think as much of cabbage-leaves +as he would of real Havannahs, so he's always obliged to ask somebody +else's opinion about them. Well, he's got a sample of a weed of a most +terrific kind:--_Magnifico Pomposo_ is the name;--no end uncommon, and +at least a foot long. We don't meet with 'em in England because they're +too expensive to import. Well, it would'nt do to throw away such a weed +as this on any one; so, Footelights wants to have the opinion of a man +who's really a judge of what a good weed is. I refused, because my taste +has been rather out of order lately; and Billy Blades is in training for +Henley, so he's obliged to decline; so I told him of you, Giglamps, and +said, that if there was a man in Brazenface that could tell him what his +Magnifico Pomposo was worth, that man was Verdant Green. Don't blush, +old feller! you can't help having a fine judgment, you know; so don't be +ashamed of it. Now, you must wine with me this evening; Footelights and +some more men are coming; and we're all anxious to hear your opinion +about these new weeds, because, if it's favourable we can club together, +and import a box." Mr. Bouncer's victim, being perfectly unconscious of +the trap laid for him, promised to come to the wine, and give his +opinion on this weed of fabled size and merit. + +[Illustration] + +When the evening and company had come, he was rather staggered at +beholding the dimensions of the pseudo-cigar; but, rashly judging that +to express surprise would be to betray ignorance, Mr. Verdant Green +inspected the formidable monster with the air of a connoisseur, and +smelt, pinched, and rolled his tongue round it, after the manner of the +best critics. If this was a diverting spectacle to the assembled guests +of Mr. Bouncer, how must the humour of the scene have been increased, +when our hero, with great difficulty, lighted the cigar, and, with still +greater difficulty, held it in his mouth, and endeavoured to smoke it! +As Mr. Foote afterwards observed, "it was a situation for a screaming +farce." + +"It doesn't draw well!" faltered the victim, as the bundle of rubbish +went out for the fourth time. + +"Why, that's always the case with the Barbadoes baccy!" said Mr. Bouncer; +"it takes a long pull, and a strong pull, and a pull all together to get +it to make a start; but when once it does go, it goes beautiful--like a +house a-fire. But you can't expect it to be like a common threepenny +weed. Here! let me light him for you, Giglamps; I'll give the beggar a +dig in his ribs, as a gentle persuader." Mr. Bouncer thereupon poked +his pen-knife through the rubbish, and after a time induced it to +"draw;" and Mr. Verdant Green pulled at it furiously, and made his eyes +water with the unusual cloud of smoke that he raised. + +"And now, what d'ye think of it, my beauty?" inquired Mr. Bouncer. "It's +something out of the common, ain't it?" + +"It has a beautiful ash!" observed Mr. Smalls. + +"And diffuses an aroma that makes me long to defy the trainer, and smoke +one like it!" said Mr. Blades. + +"So pray give me your reading--at least, your opinion,--on my Magnifico +Pomposo!" asked Mr. Foote. + +"Well," answered Mr. Verdant Green, slowly--turning very pale as he +spoke,--"at first, I thought it was be-yew-tiful; but, altogether, I +think--that--the Barbadoes tobacco--doesn't quite--agree with--my +stom--" the speaker abruptly concluded by dropping the cigar, putting +his handkerchief to his mouth, and rushing into Mr. Bouncer's bedroom. +The Magnifico Pomposo had been too much for him, and had produced +sensations accurately interpreted by Mr. Bouncer, who forthwith +represented in expressive pantomine, the actions of a distressed +voyager, when he feebly murmurs "Steward!" + +[Illustration] + +To atone for the "chaffing" which he had been the means of inflicting on +his friend, the little gentleman, a few days afterwards, proposed to +take our hero to the Chipping Norton Steeple-chase,--Mr. Smalls and Mr. +Fosbrooke making up the quartet for a tandem. It was on their return +from the races, that, after having stopped at _The Bear_ at Woodstock, +"to wash out the horses' mouths," and having done this so effectually +that the horses had appeared to have no mouths left, and had refused to +answer the reins, and had smashed the cart against a house, which had +seemed to have danced into the middle of the road for their +diversion,--and, after having put back to _The Bear_, and prevailed upon +that animal to lend them a non-descript vehicle of the "pre-adamite +buggy" species, described by Sidney Smith,--that, much time having been +consumed by the progress of this chapter of accidents, they did not +reach Peyman's Gate until a late hour; and Mr. Verdant Green found that +he was once more in difficulties. For they had no sooner got through the +gate, than the wild octaves from Mr. Bouncer's post-horn were suddenly +brought to a full stop, and Mr. Fosbrooke, who was the "waggoner," was +brought to Woh! and was compelled to pull up in obedience to the command +of the proctor, who, as on a previous occasion, suddenly appeared from +behind the toll-house, in company with his marshall and bull-dogs. + +The Sentence pronounced on our hero the next day, was, "Sir!--You will +translate all your lectures; have your name crossed on the buttery and +kitchen books; and be confined to chapel, hall, and college." + +This sentence was chiefly annoying, inasmuch as it somewhat interfered +with the duties and pleasures attendant upon his boating practice. For, +wonderful to relate, Mr. Verdant Green had so much improved in the +science, that he was now "Number 3" of his college "Torpid," and was in +hard training. The Torpid races commenced on March 10th, and were +continued on the following days. Our hero sent his father a copy of +"_Tintinnabulum's Life_," which--after informing the Manor Green family +that "the boats took up positions in the following order: Brazenose, +Exeter 1, Wadham, Balliol, St. John's, Pembroke, University, Oriel, +Brazenface, Christ Church 1, Worcester, Jesus, Queen's, Christ Church 2, +Exeter 2"--proceeded to enter into particulars of each day's sport, of +which it is only necessary to record such as gave interest to our hero's +family. + +"First day. * * * Brazenface refused to acknowledge the bump by Christ +Church (1) before they came to the Cherwell. There is very little doubt +but that they were bumped at the Gut and the Willows. * * * + +"Second day. * * * Brazenface rowed pluckily away from Worcester. * * * + +"Third day. * * * A splendid race between Brazenface and Worcester; and, +at the flag, the latter were within a foot; they did not, however, +succeed in bumping. The cheering from the Brazenface barge was +vociferous. * * * + +"Fourth day. * * * Worcester was more fortunate, and succeeded in making +the bump at the Cherwell, in consequence of No. 3 of the Brazenface boat +fainting from fatigue." + +Under "No. 3" Mr. Verdant Green had drawn a pencil line, and had written +"V. G." He shortly after related to his family the gloomy particulars of +the bump, when he returned home for the Easter vacation. + + + + +CHAPTER XI. + +MR. VERDANT GREEN GETS THROUGH HIS SMALLS. + + +Despite the hindrance which the _grande passion_ is supposed to bring to +the student, Charles Larkyns had made very good use of the opportunities +afforded him by the leisure of his grace-term. Indeed, as he himself +observed, + + "Who hath not owned, with rapture-smitten frame, + The power of _grace_?" + +And as he felt that the hours of his grace-term had not been wasted in +idleness, but had been turned to profitable account, it is not at all +unlikely that his pleasures of hope regarding his Degree-examination, +and the position his name would occupy in the Class-list, were of a +roseate hue. He therefore, when the Easter vacation had come to an end, +returned to Oxford in high spirits, with our hero and his friend Mr. +Bouncer, who, after a brief visit to "the Mum," had passed the remainder +of the vacation at the Manor Green. During these few holiday weeks, +Charles Larkyns had acted as private tutor to his two friends, and had, +in the language of Mr. Bouncer, "put them through their paces uncommon;" +for the little gentleman was going in for his Degree, _alias_ Great-go, +_alias_ Greats; and our hero for his first examination _in literis +humanioribus_, _alias_ Responsions, _alias_ Little-go, _alias_ Smalls. +Thus the friends returned to Oxford mutually benefited; but, as the time +for examination drew nearer and still nearer, the fears of Mr. Bouncer +rose in a gradation of terrors, that threatened to culminate in an +actual panic. + +"You see," said the little gentleman, "the Mum's set her heart on my +getting through, and I must read like the doose. And I havn't got the +head, you see, for Latin and Greek; and that beastly Euclid altogether +stumps me; and I feel as though I should come to grief. I'm blowed," the +little gentleman would cry, earnestly and sadly, "I'm blow'd if I don't +think they must have given me too much pap when I was a babby, and +softened my brains! or else, why can't I walk into these classical +parties just as easy as you, Charley, or old Giglamps there? But I +can't, you see: my brains are addled. They say it ain't a bad thing for +reading to get your head shaved. It cools your brains, and gives full +play to what you call your intellectual faculties. I think I shall try +the dodge, and get a gent's real head of hair, till after the exam.; and +then, when I've stumped the examiners, I can wear my own luxuriant locks +again." + +[Illustration] + +And, as Mr. Bouncer professed, so did he; and, not many days after, +astonished his friends and the University generally by appearing in a +wig of curly black hair. It was a pleasing sight to see the little +gentleman with a scalp like a billiard ball, a pipe in his mouth, and +the wig mounted on a block, with books spread before him, endeavouring +to persuade himself that he was working up his subjects. It was still +more pleasing to view him, in moments of hilarity, divest himself of his +wig, and hurl it at the scout, or any other offensive object that +appeared before him. And it was a sight not to be forgotten by the +beholders, when, after too recklessly partaking of an indiscriminate +mixture of egg-flip, sangarce, and cider-cup, he feebly threw his wig at +the spectacles of Mr. Verdant Green, and, overbalanced by the exertion, +fell back into the coal-scuttle, where he lay, bald-headed and +helpless, laughing and weeping by turns, and caressed by Huz and Buz. + +But the shaving of his head was not the only feature (or, rather, loss +of feature) that distinguished Mr. Bouncer's reading for his degree. The +gentleman with the limited knowledge of the cornet-à-piston, who had the +rooms immediately beneath those of our hero and his friend, had made +such slow progress in his musical education, that he had even now +scarcely got into his "Cottage near a Wood." This gentleman was Mr. +Bouncer's Frankenstein. He was always rising up when he was not wanted. +When Mr. Bouncer felt as if he could read, and sat down to his books, +wigless and determined, the doleful legend of the cottage near a wood +was forced upon him in an unpleasingly obtrusive and distracting manner. +It was in vain that Mr. Bouncer sounded his octaves in all their +discordant variations; the gentleman had no ear, and was not to be put +out of his cottage on any terms; Mr. Bouncer's notices of ejectment were +always disregarded. He had hoped that the ears of Mr. Slowcoach (whose +rooms were in the angle of the Quad) would have been pierced by the +noise, and that he would have put a stop to the nuisance; but, either +from its being too customary a custom, or that the ears of Mr. Slowcoach +had grown callous, the nuisance was suffered to continue unreproved. + +Mr. Bouncer resolved, therefore, on some desperate method of calling +attention to one nuisance, by creating another of a louder description; +and, as his octaves appeared to fail in this,--notwithstanding the +energy and annoying ability that he threw into them,--he conceived the +idea of setting up a drum! The plan was no sooner thought of than +carried out. He met with an instrument sufficiently large and formidable +for his purpose,--hired it, and had it stealthily conveyed into college +(like another Falstaff) in a linen "buck-basket." He waited his +opportunity; and, the next time that the gentleman in the rooms beneath +took his cornet to his cottage near a wood, Mr. Bouncer, stationed on +the landing above, played a thundering accompaniment on his big drum. + +[Illustration] + +The echoes from the tightened parchment rolled round the Quad, and +brought to the spot a rush of curious and excited undergraduates. Mr. +Bouncer,--after taking off his wig in honour of the air,--then treated +them to the National Anthem, arranged as a drum solo for two sticks, the +chorus being sustained by the voices of those present; when in the midst +of the entertainment, the reproachful features of Mr. Slowcoach +appeared upon the scene. Sternly the tutor demanded the reason of the +strange hubbub; and was answered by Mr. Bouncer, that, as one gentleman +was allowed to play _his_ favourite instrument whenever he chose, for +_his_ own but no one else's gratification, he could not see why he (Mr. +Bouncer) might not also, whenever he pleased, play for his own +gratification his favourite instrument--the big drum. This specious +excuse, although logical, was not altogether satisfactory to Mr. +Slowcoach; and, with some asperity, he ordered Mr. Bouncer never again +to indulge in, what he termed (in reference probably to the little +gentleman's bald head), "such an indecent exhibition." But, as he +further ordered that the cornet-à-piston gentleman was to instrumentally +enter into his cottage near a wood, only at stated hours in the +afternoon, Mr. Bouncer had gained his point in putting a stop to the +nuisance so far as it interfered with his reading; and, thenceforth, he +might be seen on brief occasions persuading himself that he was +furiously reading and getting up his subjects by the aid of those royal +roads to knowledge, variously known as cribs, crams, plugs, abstracts, +analyses, or epitomes. + +But, besides the assistance thus afforded to him _out_ of the schools, +Mr. Bouncer, like many others, idle as well as ignorant, intended to +assist himself when _in_ the schools by any contrivance that his +ingenuity could suggest, or his audacity carry out. + +"It's quite fair," was the little gentleman's argument, "to do the +examiners in any way that you can, as long as you only go in for a pass. +Of course, if you were going in for a class, or a scholarship, or +anything of that sort, it would be no end mean and dirty to crib; and +the gent that did it ought to be kicked out of the society of gentlemen. +But when you only go in for a pass, and ain't doing any one any harm by +a little bit of cribbing, but choose to run the risk to save yourself +the bother of being ploughed, why then, I think, a feller's bound to do +what he can for himself. And, you see, in my case, Giglamps, there's the +Alum to be considered; she'd cut up doosid, if I didn't get through; so +I must crib a bit, if it's only for _her_ sake." + +But although the little gentleman thus made filial tenderness the excuse +for his deceit, and the salve for his conscience, yet he could neither +persuade Mr. Verdant Green to follow his example, nor to be a convert to +his opinions; nor would he be persuaded by our hero to relinquish his +designs. + +[Illustration] + +"Why, look here, Giglamps!" Mr. Bouncer would say; "how _can_ I +relinquish them, after having had all this trouble? I'll put you up to a +few of my dodges--free, gratis, for nothing. In the first place, +Giglamps, you see here's a small circular bit of paper, covered with +Peloponnesian and Punic wars, and no end of dates,--written small and +short, you see, but quite legible,--with the chief things done in red +ink. Well, this gentleman goes in the front of my watch, under the +glass; and, when I get stumped for a date, out comes the watch;--I look +at the time of day--you understand, and down goes the date. Here's +another dodge!" added the little gentleman--who might well have been +called "the Artful Dodger"--as he produced a shirt from a drawer. "Look +here, at the wristbands! Here are all the Kings of Israel and Judah, +with their dates and prophets, written down in India-ink, so as to wash +out again. You twitch up the cuff of your coat, quite accidentally, and +then you book your king. You see, Giglamps, I don't like to trust, as +some fellows do, to having what you want, written down small and shoved +into a quill, and passed to you by some man sitting in the schools; +that's dangerous, don't you see. And I don't like to hold cards in my +hand; I've improved on that, and invented a first-rate dodge of my own, +that I intend to take out a patent for. Like all truly great inventions, +it's no end simple. In the first place, look straight afore you, my +little dear, and you will see this pack of cards,--all made of a size, +nice to hold in the palm of your hand; they're about all sorts of rum +things,--everything that I want. And you see that each beggar's got a +hole drilled in him. And you see, here's a longish string with a little +bit of hooked wire at the end, made so that I can easily hang the card +on it. Well, I pass the string up my coat sleeve, and down under my +waistcoat; and here, you see, I've got the wire end in the palm of my +hand. Then, I slip out the card I want, and hook it on to the wire, so +that I can have it just before me as I write. Then, if any of the +examiners look suspicious, or if one of them comes round to spy, I just +pull the bit of string that hangs under the bottom of my waistcoat, and +away flies the card up my coat sleeve; and when the examiner comes +round, he sees that my hand's never moved, and that there's nothing in +it! So he walks off satisfied; and then I shake the little beggar out of +my sleeve again, and the same game goes on as before. And when the +string's tight, even straightening your body is quite sufficient to +hoist the card into your sleeve, without moving either of your hands. +I've got an Examination-coat made on purpose, with a heap of pockets, in +which I can stow my cards in regular order. These three pockets," said +Mr. Bouncer, as he produced the coat, "are entirely for Euclid. Here's +each problem written right out on a card; they're laid regularly in +order, and I turn them over in my pocket, till I get hold of the one I +want, and then I take it out, and work it. So you see, Giglamps, I'm +safe to get through!--it's impossible for them to plough me, with all +these contrivances. That's a consolation for a cove in distress, ain't +it, old feller?" + +Both our hero and Charles Larkyns endeavoured to persuade Mr. Bouncer +that his conduct would, at the very least, be foolhardy, and that he had +much better throw his pack of cards into the fire, wash the Kings of +Israel and Judah off his shirt, destroy his strings and hooked wires, +and keep his Examination-coat for a shooting one. But all their +arguments were in vain; and the infatuated little gentleman, like a +deaf adder, shut his ears at the voice of the charmer. + +What between the Cowley cricketings, and the Isis boatings, Mr. Verdant +Green only read by spasmodic fits; but, as he was very fairly up in his +subjects--thanks to Charles Larkyns and the Rector--and as the Little-go +was not such a very formidable affair, or demanded a scholar of +first-rate calibre, the only terrors that the examination could bring +him were those which were begotten of nervousness. At length the lists +were out; and our hero read among the names of candidates, that of + + "GREEN, _Verdant, è Coll. Æn. Fac._" + +There is a peculiar sensation on first seeing your name in print. +Instances are on record where people have taken a world of trouble +merely that they may have the pleasure of perusing their names "among +the fashionables present" at the Countess of So-and-so's +evening-reception; and cases are not wanting where young ladies and +gentlemen have expended no small amount of pocket-money in purchasing +copies of _The Times_ (no reduction, too, being made on taking a +quantity!) in order that their sympathising friends might have the pride +of seeing their names as coming out at drawing-rooms and _levées_. When +a young M.P. has stammered out his _coup-d'essai_ in the House, he +views, with mingled emotions, his name given to the world, for the first +time, in capital letters. When young authors and artists first see their +names in print, is it not a pleasure to them? When Ensign Dash sees +himself gazetted, does he not look on his name with a peculiar +sensation, and forthwith send an impression of the paper to Master +Jones, who was flogged with him last week for stealing apples? When Mr. +Smith is called to the Bar, and Mr. Robinson can dub himself M.R.C.S., +do they not behold their names in print with feelings of rapture? And +when Miss Brown has been to her first ball, does she not anxiously await +the coming of the next county newspaper, in order to have the happiness +of reading her name there? + +[Illustration] + +But, different to these are the sensations that attend the seeing your +name first in print in a College examination-list. They are, probably, +somewhat similar to the sensations you would feel on seeing your name in +a death-warrant. Your blood runs hot, then cold, then hot again; your +pulse goes at fever pace; the throbbing arteries of your brow almost +jerk your cap off. You know that the worst is come,--that the law of the +Dons, which altereth not, has fixed your name there, and that there is +no escape. The courage of despair then takes possession of your soul, +and nerves you for the worst. You join the crowd of nervous +fellow-sufferers who are thronging round the buttery-door to examine the +list, and you begin with them calmly to parcel out the names by sixes +and eights, and then to arrive at an opinion when your day of execution +will be. If your name comes at the head of the list, you wish that you +were "YOUNG, _Carolus, è Coll. Vigorn._" that you might have a reprieve +of your sentence. If your name is at the end of the list, you wish that +you were "ADAMS, _Edvardus Jacobus, è Coll. Univ._" that you might go in +at once, and be put out of your misery. If your name is in the middle of +the list, you wish that it were elsewhere: and then you wish that it +were out of the list altogether. + +Through these varying shades of emotion did Mr. Verdant Green pass, +until at length they were all lost in the deeper gloom of actual +entrance into the schools. When once there, his fright soon passed away. +Re-assured by the kindly voice of the examiner, telling him to read over +his Greek before construing it, our hero recovered his equanimity, and +got through his _vivâ voce_ with flying colours; and, on glancing over +his paper-work, soon saw that the questions were within his scope, and +that he could answer most of them. Without hazarding his success by +making "bad shots," he contented himself by answering those questions +only on which he felt sure; and, when his examination was over, he left +the schools with a pretty safe conviction that he was safe, "and was +well through his smalls." + +He could not but help, however, feeling some anxiety on the subject, +until he was relieved from all further fears, by the arrival of Messrs. +Fosbrooke, Smalls, and Blades, with a slip of paper (not unlike those +which Mr. Levi, the sheriff's officer, makes use of), on which was +written and printed as follows:-- + +"GREEN, VERDANT, È COLL. ÆN. FAC. + +"Quæstionibua Magistrorum Scholarum in Parviso pro forma respondit. + + "Ita testamur, { GULIELMUS SMITH, + { ROBERTUS JONES. + + "_Junii_ 7, 18--." + +Alas for Mr. Bouncer! Though he had put in practice all the ingenious +plans which were without a doubt to ensure his success; and though he +had worked his cribs with consummate coolness, and had not been +discovered; yet, nevertheless, his friends came to him empty-handed. The +infatuated little gentleman had either trusted too much to his own +astuteness, or else he had over-reached himself, and had used his +card-knowledge in wrong places; or, perhaps, the examiners may have +suspected his deeds from the nature of his papers, and may have refused +to pass him. But whatever might be the cause, the little gentleman had +to defer taking his degree for some months at least. In a word--and a +dreadful word it is to all undergraduates--Mr. Bouncer was PLUCKED! He +bore his unexpected reverse of fortune very philosophically, and +professed to regret it only for "the Mum's" sake; but he seemed to feel +that the Dons of his college would look shy upon him, and he expressed +his opinion that it would be better for him to migrate to the +Tavern.[15] + +But, while Mr. Bouncer was thus deservedly punished for his idleness and +duplicity, Charles Larkyns was rewarded for all his toil. He did even +better than he had expected: for, not only did his name appear in the +second class, but the following extra news concerning him was published +in the daily papers, under the very appropriate heading of "University +_Intelligence_." + + "OXFORD, June 9.--The Chancellor's prizes have been awarded as + follows:-- + + "Latin Essay, Charles Larkyns, Commoner of Brazenface. The New + digate Prize for English Verse was also awarded to the same + gentleman." + +His writing for the prize poem had been a secret. He had conceived the +idea of doing so when the subject had been given out in the previous +"long:" he had worked at the subject privately, and, when the day (April +1) on which the poems had to be sent in, had come, he had watched his +opportunity, and secretly dropped through the wired slit in the door of +the registrar's office at the Clarendon, a manuscript poem, +distinguished by the motto:-- + + "Oh for the touch of a vanish'd hand + And the sound of a voice that is still." + +We may be quite sure that there was great rejoicing at the Manor Green +and the Rectory, when the news arrived of the success of Charles Larkyns +and Mr. Verdant Green. + +FOOTNOTES: + +[15] A name given to New Inn Hall, not only from its title, "New Inn," +but also because the buttery is open all day, and the members of the +Hall can call for what they please at any hour, the same as in a tavern. + + + + +CHAPTER XII. + +MR. VERDANT GREEN AND HIS FRIENDS ENJOY THE COMMEMORATION. + + +The Commemoration had come; and, among the people who were drawn to the +sight from all parts of the country, the Warwickshire coach landed in +Oxford our friends Mr. Green, his two eldest daughters, and the +Rector--for all of whom Charles Larkyns had secured very comfortable +lodgings in Oriel Street. + +[Illustration] + +The weather was of the finest; and the beautiful city of colleges looked +at its best. While the Rector met with old friends, and heard his son's +praises, and renewed his acquaintance with his old haunts of study, Mr. +Green again lionised Oxford in a much more comfortable and satisfactory +manner than he had previously done at the heels of a professional guide. +As for the young ladies, they were charmed with everything; for they had +never before been in an University town, and all things had the +fascination of novelty. Great were the luncheons held in Mr. Verdant +Green's and Charles Larkyns' rooms; musical was the laughter that +floated merrily through the grave old quads of Brazenface; happy were +the two hearts that held converse with each other in those cool +cloisters and shady gardens. How a few flounces and bright girlish +smiles can change the aspect of the sternest homes of knowledge! How +sunlight can be brought into the gloomiest nooks of learning by the +beams that irradiate happy girlish faces, where the light of love and +truth shines out clear and joyous! How the appearance of the +Commemoration week is influenced in a way thus described by one of +Oxonia's poets:-- + + "Peace! for in the gay procession brighter forms are borne along-- + Fairer scholars, pleasure-beaming, float amid the classic throng. + Blither laughter's ringing music fills the haunts of men awhile, + And the sternest priests of knowledge blush beneath a maiden's smile. + Maidens teach a softer science--laughing Love his pinions dips, + Hush'd to hear fantastic whispers murmur'd from a pedant's lips. + Oh, believe it, throbbing pulses flutter under folds of starch, + And the Dons are human-hearted if the ladies' smiles be arch." + +Thanks to the influence of Charles Larkyns and his father, the party +were enabled to see all that was to be seen during the Commemoration +week. On the Saturday night they went to the amateur concert at the Town +Hall, in aid of which, strange to say, Mr. Bouncer's proffer of his big +drum had been declined. On the Sunday they went, in the morning, to St. +Mary's to hear the Bampton lecture; and, in the afternoon, to the +magnificent choral service at New College. In the evening they attended +the customary "Show Sunday" promenade in Christ Church Broad Walk, +where, under the delicious cool of the luxuriant foliage, they met all +the rank, beauty, and fashion that were assembled in Oxford; and where, +until Tom "tolled the hour for retiring," they threaded their way amid +a miscellaneous crowd of Dons and Doctors, and Tufts and Heads of +Houses,-- + + With prudes for Proctors, dowagers for Deans, + And bright girl-graduates with their golden hair. + +On the Monday they had a party to Woodstock and Blenheim; and in the +evening went, on the Brazenface barge, to see the procession of boats, +where the Misses Green had the satisfaction to see their brother pulling +in one of the fifteen torpids that followed immediately in the wake of +the other boats. They concluded the evening's entertainments in a most +satisfactory manner, by going to the ball at the Town Hall. + +[Illustration] + +Indeed, the way the two young ladies worked was worthy of all credit, +and proved them to be possessed of the most vigorous constitutions; for, +although they danced till an early hour in the morning, they not only, +on the next day, went to the anniversary sermon for the Radcliffe, and +after that to the horticultural show in the Botanical Gardens, and after +that to the concert in the Sheldonian Theatre, but--as though they had +not had enough to fatigue them already--they must, forsooth--Brazenface +being one of the ball-giving colleges--wind up the night by accepting +the polite invitation of Mr. Verdant Green and Mr. Charles Larkyns to a +ball given in their college hall. And how many polkas these young ladies +danced, and how many waltzes they waltzed, and how many ices they +consumed, and how many too susceptible partners they drove to the verge +of desperation, it would be improper, if not impossible, to say. + +[Illustration] + +But, however much they might have been fagged by their exertions of feet +and features, it is certain that, by ten of the clock the next morning, +they appeared, quite fresh and charming to the view, in the ladies' +gallery in the theatre. There--after the proceedings had been opened by +the undergraduates in _their_ peculiar way, and by the vice-chancellor +in _his_ peculiar way--and, after the degrees had been conferred, and +the public orator had delivered an oration in a tongue not understanded +of the people, our friends from Warwickshire had the delight of +beholding Mr. Charles Larkyns ascend the rostrums to deliver, in their +proper order, the Latin Essay and the English Verse. He had chosen his +friend Verdant to be his prompter; so that the well-known "giglamps" of +our hero formed, as it were, a very focus of attraction: but it was well +for Mr. Charles Larkyns that he was possessed of self-control and a good +memory, for Mr. Verdant Green was far too nervous to have prompted him +in any efficient manner. We may be sure, that in all that bevy of fair +women, at least one pair of bright eyes kindled with rapture, and one +heart beat with exulting joy, when the deafening cheers that followed +the poet's description of the moon, the sea, and woman's love (the three +ingredients which are apparently necessary for the sweetening of all +prize poems), rang through the theatre and made its walls re-echo to the +shouting. And we may be sure that, when it was all over, and when the +Commemoration had come to an end, Charles Larkyns felt rewarded for all +his hours of labour by the deep love garnered up in his heart by the +trustful affection of one who had become as dear to him as life itself! + + * * * * * + +It was one morning after they had all returned to the Manor Green that +our hero said to his friend, "How I _do_ wish that this day week were +come!" + +"I dare say you do," replied the friend; "and I dare say that the pretty +Patty is wishing the same wish." Upon which Mr. Verdant Green not only +laughed but blushed! + +For it seemed that he, together with his sisters, Mr. Charles Larkyns, +and Mr. Bouncer, were about to pay a long-vacation visit to Honeywood +Hall, in the county of Northumberland; and the young man was naturally +looking forward to it with all the ardour of a first and consuming +passion. + +THE END + + + + +POPULAR ILLUSTRATED WORKS + +PUBLISHED BY +H. 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