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diff --git a/40320-0.txt b/40320-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..e7d3125 --- /dev/null +++ b/40320-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,3595 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 40320 *** + +MR. PUNCH AFLOAT + +PUNCH LIBRARY OF HUMOUR + +Edited by J. A. HAMMERTON + +Designed to provide in a series of volumes, each complete in itself, the +cream of national humour, contributed by the masters of comic +draughtsmanship and the leading wits of the age to "Punch," from its +beginning in 1841 to the present day + +[Illustration] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "MR. PUNCH AFLOAT"] + + * * * * * + +MR PUNCH AFLOAT + +THE HUMOURS OF BOATING AND SAILING + +[Illustration] + +AS PICTURED BY + +SIR JOHN TENNIEL, GEORGE DU MAURIER, JOHN LEECH, CHARLES KEENE, +PHIL MAY, L. RAVEN-HILL, LINLEY SAMBOURNE, G. D. ARMOUR, +A. S. BOYD, J. BERNARD PARTRIDGE, AND OTHERS. + +PUBLISHED BY ARRANGEMENT WITH THE PROPRIETORS OF "PUNCH" + +THE EDUCATIONAL BOOK CO. LTD. + + * * * * * + +THE PUNCH LIBRARY OF HUMOUR + +_Twenty-five volumes, crown 8vo. 192 pages +fully illustrated_ + + LIFE IN LONDON + COUNTRY LIFE + IN THE HIGHLANDS + SCOTTISH HUMOUR + IRISH HUMOUR + COCKNEY HUMOUR + IN SOCIETY + AFTER DINNER STORIES + IN BOHEMIA + AT THE PLAY + MR. PUNCH AT HOME + ON THE CONTINONG + RAILWAY BOOK + AT THE SEASIDE + MR. PUNCH AFLOAT + IN THE HUNTING FIELD + MR. PUNCH ON TOUR + WITH ROD AND GUN + MR. PUNCH AWHEEL + BOOK OF SPORTS + GOLF STORIES + IN WIG AND GOWN + ON THE WARPATH + BOOK OF LOVE + WITH THE CHILDREN + +[Illustration] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: MR. PUNCH AT THE HELM! + +(_By way of Introduction_) + +River and sea, with their teeming summer life as we know them in Great +Britain and around our coasts, have yielded a rich supply of subjects +for the pens and pencils of MR. PUNCH'S merry men. In Stevenson's famous +story of "The Merry Men," it is the cruel side of the sea that is +symbolised under that ironic description; but there is no touch of gall, +no sinister undertone, in the mirth of MR. PUNCH'S "merry men." + +It may be protested that in the pages of this little book, where we have +brought together for the first time all MR. PUNCH'S "happy thoughts" +about boating and sailing, the miseries of travel by sea and the +discomforts of holiday life on our inland waters are too much insisted +upon. But it is as much the function of the humorist as it is the +business of the philosopher to hold the mirror up to nature, and we are +persuaded that it is no distorted mirror in which MR. PUNCH shows us to +ourselves. + +After all, although as a nation we are proud to believe that Britannia +rules the waves, and to consider ourselves a sea-going people, for the +most of us our recollections of Channel passages and trips around our +coasts are inevitably associated with memories of _mal-de-mer_, and it +says much for our national good humour that we can turn even our +miseries into jest. + +Afloat or ashore, MR. PUNCH is never "at sea," and while his jokes have +always their point, that point is never barbed, as these pages +illustrative of the humours of boating and sailing--with MR. PUNCH at +the helm--may be left safely to bear witness. + +[Illustration] + + * * * * * + +MR. PUNCH AFLOAT + +'ARRY ON THE RIVER + +[Illustration] + + DEAR CHARLIE, + + 'Ot weather at last! Wot a bloomin' old slusher it's bin, + This season! But now it do look as though Summer was goin' to begin. + Up to now it's bin muck and no error, fit only for fishes and frogs, + And has not give a chap arf a chance like of sporting 'is 'oliday togs. + + Sech a sweet thing in mustard and pink, quite _reshershay_ I tell you, + old man. + Two quid's pooty stiff, but a buster and blow the expense is my plan; + With a stror 'at and _puggeree_, Charlie, low shoes and new mulberry + gloves. + If I didn't jest fetch our two gals, it's a pity;--and wasn't they + loves? + + We'd three chaps in the boat besides me,--jest a nice little party + of six, + But they didn't get arf a look in 'long o' me; they'd no form, them + two sticks. + If you'd seen me a settin' and steerin' with one o' the shes on each + side, + You'd a thought me a Turk in check ditters, and looked on your 'Arry + with pride. + + Wy, we see a swell boat with three ladies, sech rippers, in crewel + and buff, + (If _I_ pulled arf a 'our in their style it 'ud be a bit more than + enough) + Well, I tipped 'em a wink as we passed and sez, "Go it, my beauties, + well done!" + And, oh lor! if you'd twigged 'em blush up you'd a seen 'ow they + relished the fun. + + I'm dead filberts, my boy, on the river, it ain't to be beat for + a lark. + And the gals as goes boating, my pippin, is jest about "'Arry, + his mark." + If you want a good stare, you can always run into 'em--accident quite! + And they carn't charge yer nothink for looking, nor put you in quod + for the fright. + + 'Ow we chivied the couples a-spoonin', and bunnicked old fishermen's + swims, + And put in a Tommy Dodd Chorus to Methodys practisin' hymns! + Then we pic-nic'd at last on the lawn of a waterside willa. Oh, my! + When the swells see our bottles and bits, I've a notion some + language'll fly. + + It was on the Q. T., in a nook snugged away in a lot of old trees, + I sat on a bust of Apoller, with one of the gurls on my knees! + Cheek, eh? Well, the fam'ly was out, and the servants asleep, + I suppose; + For they didn't 'ear even our roar, when I chipped orf the + himage's nose. + + We'd soon emptied our three-gallon bottle, and Tommy he pulled a + bit wild, + And we blundered slap into a skiff, and wos jolly near drownding + a child. + Of course we bunked off in the scurry, and showed 'em a clean pair + o' legs, + Pullin' up at a waterside inn where we went in for fried 'am and + eggs. + + We kep that 'ere pub all-alive-oh, I tell yer, with song and with + chorus, + To the orful disgust of some prigs as wos progging two tables afore + us. + I do 'ate your hushabye sort-like, as puts on the fie-fie at noise. + 'Ow on earth can yer spree without shindy? It's jest wot a feller + enjoys. + + Quaker-meetings be jiggered, I say; if you're 'appy, my boy, give + it tongue. + I tell yer we roused 'em a few, coming 'ome, with the comics we sung. + Hencoring a prime 'un, I somehow forgot to steer straight, and + we fouled + The last 'eat of a race--such a lark! Oh, good lor', _'ow_ they + chi-iked and 'owled! + + There was honly one slight _country-tong_, Tommy Blogg, who's a bit + of a hass, + Tried to splash a smart pair of swell "spoons" by some willers we + 'appened to pass; + And the toff ketched the blade of Tom's scull, dragged 'im close, + and jest landed 'im _one_! + Arter which Master Tom nussed his eye up, and seemed rayther out of + the fun. + + Sez the toff, "You're the pests of the river, you cads!" Well, + I didn't reply, + 'Cos yer see before gals, it ain't nice when a feller naps one + in the eye; + But it's all bloomin' nonsense, my boy! If he'd only jest give + _me_ a look, + He'd a seen as _my_ form was O.K., as I fancy ain't easy mistook. + + Besides, I suppose as the river is free to all sorts, 'igh and low. + That I'm sweet on true swells you're aweer, but for stuck-ups I + don't care a blow. + We'd a rare rorty time of it, Charlie, and as for that younger gurl, + Carry, + I'll eat my old boots if she isn't dead-gone on + + Yours bloomingly, + + 'ARRY. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: MAKING THE BEST OF IT] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: HINTS TO BEGINNERS + +In punting, a good strong pole is to be recommended to the beginner.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE RETURN OF THE WANDERER + +_Custom House Officer_ (_to sufferer_). "Now, sir, will you kindly pick +out your luggage? It's got to be examined before you land."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: OUR YACHTING EXPERIENCES + +_Old "Salt" at the helm._ "Rattlin' fine breeze, gen'lemen." _Chorus of +Yachtsmen_ (_faintly_). "Y--yes--d'lightful!"] + + * * * * * + +TO PYRRHA ON THE THAMES + +[Illustration] + + O Pyrrha! say what youth in "blazer" drest, + Woos you on pleasant Thames these summer eves; + For whom do you put on that dainty vest, + That sky-blue ribbon and those _gigot_ sleeves? + + "_Simplex munditiis_," as Horace wrote, + And yet, poor lad, he'll find that he is rash; + To-morrow you'll adorn some other boat, + And smile as kindly on another "mash." + + As for myself--I'm old, and look askance + At flannels and flirtation; not for me + Youth's idiotic rapture at a glance + From maiden eyes: although it comes from thee. + + * * * * * + +THE EXCURSION SEASON.--_First Passenger_ (_poetical_). "Doesn't the +sight o' the cerulean expanse of ocean, bearing on its bosom the +white-winged fleets of commerce, fill yer with----" + +_Second Ditto._ "Fi---- not a bit of it." (_Steamer takes a slight +lurch!_) "Quite the contrary!" + + [_Makes off abruptly!_ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "LIFE'S LITTLE IRONIES" + +(Cheerful passage in the life of a Whitsuntide Holiday maker)] + + * * * * * + +MY RIVERSIDE ADWENTUR + +(_A Trew Fact as appened at Great Marlow on Bank Olliday_) + +[Illustration] + + I was setting one day in the shade, + In the butifull month of August, + When I saw a most butifull maid + A packing of eggs in sum sawdust. + + The tears filled her butifull eyes, + And run down her butifull nose, + And I thort it was not werry wise + To let them thus spile her nice close. + + So I said to her, lowly and gently, + "Shall I elp you, O fair lovely gal?" + And she ansered, "O dear Mr. Bentley, + If you thinks as you can, why you shall." + + And her butifull eyes shone like dimans, + As britely each gleamed thro a tear, + And her smile it was jest like a dry man's + When he's quenching his thirst with sum beer. + + Why she called me at wunce Mr. Bentley, + I sort quite in wain to dishcover; + Or weather 'twas dun accidently, + Or if she took me for some other. + + I then set to work most discreetly, + And packed all the eggs with great care; + And I did it so nicely and neatly, + That I saw that my skill made her stare. + + So wen all my tarsk was quite ended, + She held out her two lilly hands, + And shook mine, and thank'd me, and wended + Her way from the river's brite sands. + + And from that day to this tho I've stayed, + I've entirely failed to diskever + The name of that brite dairy-maid + As broke thirteen eggs by the river. + + ROBERT. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: LOCKS ON THE THAMES + +_Sculler._ "Just half a turn of the head, love, or we shall be among the +rushes!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE STEAMER + +Old Mr. Squeamish, who has been on deck for his wrapper, finds his +comfortable place occupied by a hairy mossoo!] + + * * * * * + +OTHERWISE ENGAGED! + +(_A Sentimental Fragment from Henley_) + +And so they sat in the boat and looked into one another's eyes, and +found much to read in them. They ignored the presence of the houseboats, +and scarcely remembered that there were such things as launches +propelled by steam or electricity. And they turned deaf ears to the +niggers, and did not want their fortunes told by dirty females of a +gipsy type. + +"This is very pleasant," said Edwin. + +"Isn't it?" replied Angelina; "and it's such a good place for seeing all +the events." + +"Admirable!" and they talked of other things; and the time sped on, and +the dark shadows grew, and still they talked, and talked, and talked. + +At length the lanterns on the river began to glow, and Henley put on its +best appearance, and broke out violently into fireworks. It was then +Mrs. Grundy spied them out. She had been on the look out for scandal all +day long, but could find none. This seemed a pleasant and promising +case. + +"So you are here!" she exclaimed. "Why, we thought you must have gone +long ago! And what do you say of the meeting?" + +"A most perfect success," said he. + +"And the company?" + +"Could not be more charming," was her reply. + +"And what did you think of the racing?" Then they looked at one another +and smiled. They spoke together, and observed:-- + +"Oh, we did not think of the racing!" + +And Mrs. Grundy was not altogether satisfied. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: OVERHEARD ON AN ATLANTIC LINER + +_She_ (_on her first trip to Europe_). "I guess you like London?" + +_He._ "Why, yes. I guess I know most people in London. I was over there +last fall!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "VIDE UT SUPRA" + +"The sad sea waves"] + + * * * * * + +LEST MEN FORGET; + +_Or, A Girl's best Friend is the River_ + + [This is to be a river season. Father Thames is an excellent + matchmaker.--_Lady's Pictorial._] + + Oh, what is a maid to do + When never a swain will woo; + When Viennese dresses + And eddying tresses + And eyes of a heavenly blue, + + Are treated with high disdain + By the cold and the careless swain, + When soft showered glances + At dinners and dances + Are sadly but truly vain? + + Ah, then, must a maid despair? + Ah, no, but betimes repair + With her magical tresses + And summery dresses + To upper Thames reaches, where + + She turns her wan cheek to the sun + (Of lesser swains she will none); + Her glorious flame, + Well skilled in the game, + Flings kisses that burn like fun + + And cheeks that had lost their charm + Grow rosy and soft and warm; + Eyes lately so dull + Of sun-light are full + As masculine hearts with alarm. + + For jealousy by degrees + Steals over the swain who sees + The cheek he was slighting + Another delighting, + And so he is brought to his knees. + + * * * * * + + [Illustration: AT THE UNIVERSITY BOAT-RACE + +_Extract from Miss X's letter to a friend in the country_:--"Mr. Robin +Blobbs offered to take us in his boat. Aunt accepted for Jenny, Fanny, +Ethel, little Mary, and myself. Oh, such a time! Mr. Blobbs lost his +head and his scull, and we were just rescued from upset by the police. +'Never again with you, Robin!'"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration] + +THE AMATEUR YACHTSMAN + +(_A Nautical Song of the Period_) + + I'm bad when at sea, yet it's pleasant to me + To charter a yacht and go sailing, + But please understand I ne'er lose sight of land, + Though hardier sailors are railing. + If only the ship, that's the yacht, wouldn't dip, + And heel up and down and roll over, + And wobble about till I want to get out, + I'd think myself fairly in clover. + + But, bless you! my craft, though the wind is abaft, + Will stagger when meeting the ripple, + Until a man feels both his head and his heels + Reversed as if full of his tipple. + In vain my blue serge when from seas we emerge, + Though dressed as a nautical dandy; + I can't keep my legs, and I call out for "pegs" + Of rum, or of soda and brandy. + + A yacht is a thing, they say, fit for a king, + And still it is not to my liking; + My short pedigree does not smack of the sea,-- + I can't pose a bit like a viking. + It's all very well when there isn't a swell, + But when that comes on I must toddle + And go down below, for a bit of a blow + Upsets my un-nautical noddle. + + Britannia may rule her own waves,--I'm a fool + To try the same game, but, believe me, + Though catching it hot, yet to give up my "Yot" + Would certainly terribly grieve me. + You see, it's the rage, like the Amateur Stage, + Or Coaching, Lawn-Tennis, or Hunting: + So, though I'm so queer, I go yachting each year, + And hoist on the Solent my bunting. + + * * * * * + +A HENLEY TOAST.--"May rivals meet without any sculls being broken!" + + * * * * * + +OF COURSE!--The very place for a fowl--Henley! + + * * * * * + +THE JOURNAL WHICH EVIDENTLY KEEPS THE KEY OF THE RIVER.--The _Lock to +Lock Times_. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: OF MALICE AFORETHOUGHT + +_Cheery Official._ "All first class 'ere, please?" + +_Degenerate Son of the Vikings_ (_in a feeble voice_). "_First class?_ +Now do I _look it_?"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "LIFE ON THE OCEAN WAVE" + +Next to the charming society, the best of the delightful trips on our +friend's yacht is, that you get such an admirable view of the coast +scenery, and you acquire such an excellent appetite for lunch.] + + * * * * * + +ROBERT ON THE RIVER + +[Illustration] + +It was ony a week or so ago as I was engaged perfeshnally on board a +steam Yot that had been hired for about as jolly a party as I ewer +remembers to have had on board a ship, and the Forreners among 'em had +ewidently been brort for to see what a reel lovely River the Tems is. I +must say I was glad to get away from Town, as I 'ad 'ad a shock from +seeing a something dreadful on an old showcard outside of the Upraw +which they tells me is now given up to Promenades. So we started from +Skindel's, at Madenhed Bridge, and took 'em right up to Gentlemanly +Marlow, and on to old Meddenham, and then to Henley, and lots of other +butiful places, and then back to Skindel's to dinner. And a jolly nice +little dinner they guv us, and sum werry good wine, as our most +critical gests--and we had two Corporation gents among 'em--couldn't +find not no fault with. But there's sum peeple as it ain't not of no use +to try to sattisfy with butiful seenery--at least, not if they bees +Amerrycains. They don't seem not to have the werry least hadmiration or +respect for anythink as isn't werry big, and prefur size to buty any day +of the week. + +"Well, it's a nice-looking little stream enuff," says an Amerrycain, who +was a board a grinnin; "but it's really quite a joke to call it a River. +Why, in my country," says he, "if you asked me for to show you a River, +I should take you to Mrs. Sippy's, and when we got about harf way across +it, I guess you'd see a reel River then, for it's so wide that you +carn't see the land on either side of it, so you sees nothink else but +the River, and as that's what you wanted for to see, you carn't werry +well grumble then." I shood, most suttenly, have liked for to have asked +him, what sort of Locks they had in sitch a River as that, and whether +Mrs. Sippy cort many wales when she went out for a day's fishing in that +little River of hers, but I knows my place, and never asks inconvenient +questions. + +However, he was a smart sort of feller, and had 'em I must say werry +nicely indeed a few minutes arterwards. We was a passing a werry butiful +bit of the river called a Back Water, and he says, says he, "As it's so +preshus hot in the sun, why don't we run in there and enjoy the shade +for a time, while we have our lunch?" "Oh," says one of the marsters of +the feast, "we are not allowed to go there; that's privet, that is." +"Why how can that be?" says he, "when you told me, just now, as you'd +lately got a Hact of Parliament passed which said that wherever Tems +Water flowed it was open to all the world, as of course it ort to be." +"Ah," said the other, looking rayther foolish, "but this is one of the +xceptions, for there's another claws in the hact as says that wherever +any body has had a hobstruction in the River for 20 years it belongs to +him for hever, but he musn't make another nowheres." + +The Amerrycain grinned as before, and said, "Well, I allers said as you +was about the rummiest lot of people on the face of the airth, and this +is on'y another proof of it. You are so werry fond of everythink as is +old, that if a man can show as he has had a cussed noosance for twenty +years, he may keep it coz he's had it so long, while all sensible peeple +must think, as that's one more reeson for sweeping the noosance clean +away." And I must say, tho he was a Amerrycane, that I coodn't help +thinking as he was right. + +It's estonishing what a remarkabel fine happy-tight a run on the butiful +Tems seems to give heverybody, and wot an adwantage we has in that +partickler respect over the poor Amerycans who gos for a trip on Mrs. +Sippy's big River, with the wind a bloing like great guns, and the waves +a dashing mountings hi. But on our butiful little steamer on our luvly +little river, altho the gests had most suttenly all brekfasted afore +they cum, why we hadn't started much about half-a-nour, afore three or +fore on 'em came creeping down into the tite little cabin and asking for +jest a cup of tea and a hegg or two, and a few shrimps; and, in less +than a nour arterwards, harf a duzzen more on 'em had jest a glass or +two of wine and a sandwich, and all a arsking that most important of all +questions on bord a Tems Yot, "What time do we lunch?" And by 2 a clock +sharp they was all seated at it, and pegging away at the Sammon and the +pidgin pie, het settera, as if they was harf-starved, and ewen arter +that, the butiful desert and the fine old Port Wine was left upon the +table, and I can troothfully state that the cabin was never wunce quite +empty till we was again doing full justice to Mr. Skindel's _maynoo_. + + ROBERT. + + * * * * * + +THE UNIVERSAL MOTTO AT HENLEY.--Open houseboat. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "EXEMPLI GRATIA" + +_Ancient Mariner_ (_to credulous yachtsman_). "A'miral Lord Nelson! +Bless yer, I knowed him; served under him. Many's the time I've as'ed +him for a bit o' 'bacco, as I might be a astin' o' you; and says he, +'Well, I ain't got no 'bacco,' jest as you might say to me; 'but here's +a shillin' for yer,' says he"!!] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: ABOVE BRIDGE BOAT AGROUND OFF CHISWICK + +_Gallant Member of the L.R.C._ "Can I put you ashore, mum?"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "IT'S AN ILL WIND," &c. + +_Rescuer._ "Hold on a bit! I may never get a chance like this again!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: HAPPY THOUGHT.--DAVID COX REDIVIVUS!] + + * * * * * + +BO'SEN JAMES AND THE GREAT SEA-SARPINT + +[Illustration] + + Three bold sailormen all went a-sailin' + Out into the Northern Sea, + And they steered Nor'-West by three quarters West + Till they came to Norwegee. + They was three bold men as ever you'd see, + And these was their Christian names: + There was Long-legged Bill and Curly Dick, + And the third was Bo'sen James;-- + And they went to catch the Great Sea-Sarpint, + Which they wished for to stop his games. + +[Illustration] + + Long-legged Bill was in the main-top a-watchin' + For Sea-Sarpints, starn and grim, + When through the lee-scupper bold Curly Dick peeped, + And he says, says he, "That's him!" + Then quick down the rattlins the long-legged 'un slid-- + Which pale as a shrimp was he-- + While Dick he rolled forrard into the cuddy, + Where Bo'sen James happened to be, + For James he was what you'd call the ship's cook, + And he was a-makin' the tea. + + Then says Curly Dick, says he, "Bless my peepers!" + (Which his words were not quite those) + "Here's the Great Sea-Sarpint a-comin' aboard, + With a wart upon his nose! + Which his head's as big as the jolly-boat, + And his mouth's as wide as the Thames, + And his mane's as long as the best bower cable, + And his eyes like blazin' flames-- + And he's comin' aboard right through the lee-scupper!" + "Belay there!" says Bo'sen James. + + Howsever, bold Bo'sen he went down to leeward, + While Curly Dick shook with funk; + And Long-legged Bill he hid in the caboose, + A-yellin' "We'll all be sunk!" + You might a'most heard a marlinspike drop + As Bo'sen James he looked out. + Then down through the scupper his head it went, + And there came a tremenjous shout, + "Sea-Sarpint be blowed, ye darned landlubbers! + Who's left this here mop hangin' out?" + +[Illustration] + + * * * * * + +A WORD TO THE Y.'S AT HENLEY.--Try again; you will be Yale-fellow, well +met! + + * * * * * + +HINTS FOR HENLEY + +(_At the Service of Visitors wishing to be comfortable_) + +Take care to be invited to the best situated houseboat. + +If you can, get permission to ask a few friends to join your host's +party at luncheon. + +Be sure to secure the pleasantest seat, the most amusing neighbour, and +all the periodicals. + +If you are conversationally inclined, monopolise the talk, and if you +are not, plead a headache for keeping every one silent. + +Mind that "No. 1" is your particular numerical distinction, and that the +happiness of the rest of the world is a negligible quantity. + +If you are a man, keep smoking cigars and sipping refreshing beverages +until it is time to eat and drink seriously; if you are of the other +sex, flirt, chatter, or sleep, as the impulse moves you. + +And when you are quite, _quite_ sure that you have nothing better to do, +give a glance to the racing! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: HOPE DEFERRED + +_Jones_ (_who is not feeling very well_). "How long did you say it would +take us to get back?" + +_Boatman._ "'Bout 'n 'our an' a 'arf agin this tide."] + + * * * * * + +HOW TO ENJOY LIFE ON THE RIVER + +Get a houseboat and be sure that it is water-tight and free from rats +and other unpleasant visitors. + +Take care that your servants have no objection to roughing it, and can +turn their hands to anything usually supplied in town by the stores. + +Accustom yourself to food in tins and bottles, and learn to love insects +with or without wings. + +Acclimatise yourself to mists and fogs and rainy days, and grow +accustomed to reading papers four days old and the advertisements of +out-of-date railway guides. + +Try to love the pleasures of a regatta. Do not quarrel with the riparian +owners or the possessors of other houseboats. Enjoy the pleasantries of +masked musicians, and take an intelligent interest in the racing. +Illuminate freely, and do your best to avoid a fire or an explosion. And +if you have fireworks, don't sort them out with the light of a blazing +squib or some illuminant of a similar character. + +Be good, and mild and long-suffering. Rest satisfied with indifferently +cooked food, damp sheets, and wearisome companions. And make the best of +storms of rain and hurricanes of wind. In fact, bear everything, and +grin when you can't laugh. + +_Another and a better way._--Put up at a comfortable riparian hotel, and +when the weather is against you, run up to town and give a wide berth to +the Thames and its miseries. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A STORY WITHOUT WORDS Freddy's first day at Henley] + + * * * * * + +NAUTICAL MANOEUVRES + +(_Described by a Landlubber_) + +_Sailing in the Wind's Eye._--In order to accomplish this difficult +manoeuvre, you must first of all discover where the wind's eye is, and +then, if it be practicable, you may proceed to sail in it. It is +presumed for this purpose that the wind's eye is a "liquid" one. + +_Hugging the Shore._--When you desire to hug the shore, you first of all +must land on it. Then take some sand and shingle in your arms, and give +it a good hug. In doing this, however, be careful no one sees you, or +the result of the manoeuvre may be a strait-waistcoat. + +_Wearing a Ship._--This it is by no means an easy thing to do, and it is +difficult to suggest what will make it easier. Wearing a chignon is +preposterous enough, but when a man is told that he must wear a ship, he +would next expect to hear that he must eat the Monument. + +_Boxing the Compass._--Assume a fighting attitude, and hit the compass +a "smart stinger on the dial-plate," as the sporting papers call it. But +before you do so, you had best take care to have your boxing-gloves on, +or you may hurt your fingers. + +_Whistling for a Wind._--When you whistle for a wind, you should choose +an air appropriate, such as "_Blow, gentle gales_," or "_Winds, gently +whisper_." + +_Reefing the Lee-scuppers._--First get upon a reef, and then put your +lee-scuppers on it. The manoeuvre is so simple, that no more need be +said of it. + +_Splicing the Main-brace._--When your main-brace comes in pieces, get a +needle and thread and splice it. If it be your custom to wear a pair of +braces, you first must ascertain which of them _is_ your main one. + + * * * * * + +A DELICATE HINT.--_Brighton Boatman._ "There's a wessel out there, sir, +a labourin' a good deal, sir! Ah, sir, sailors works werry +'ard--precious 'ard lines it is for the poor fellers out +there!--Precious hard it is for everybody just now. I know _I_ should +like the price of a pint o' beer and a bit o' bacca!" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SCENE--A quiet nook, five miles off anywhere. Jones has +gone down to the punt to fetch up the luncheon-basket, and has dropped +it overboard. + +PUZZLE.--What to do--or say?--except----] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "THE ANCHOR'S WEIGHED" + +(Sketched on an excursion steamer)] + + * * * * * + +WHAT NO ONE SHOULD FORGET, IN CROSSING THE CHANNEL + +To place his rugs, carpet-bags, and umbrellas on the six best seats on +the boat. + +To worry the captain with remarks about the state of the weather and the +performance of the steamer: to observe to the steward that there is a +change in the weather, and that there were more passengers the last time +he crossed. + +To speak to the man at the wheel, and ask him whether there was much sea +on last trip. + +To change his last half-crown into French money, and squabble with the +steward as to the rate of exchange. + +To stare at his neighbours, read aloud their names on their luggage, and +remark audibly that he'll lay anything the lady with the slight twang is +an American. + +To repeat the ancient joke on "Back her! stop her!" + +If the passage is rough, to put his feet on his neighbour's head, after +appropriating all the cushions in the cabin. + +To call for crockery in time. N.B.--Most important. + +To groan furiously for an hour and a half, if a sufferer; or, if utterly +callous to waves and their commotions, to eat beef and ham, and drink +porter and brandy-and-water, during the entire voyage, with as much +clattering of forks and noise of mastication as is compatible with +enjoyment. + +To kiss his hand, on entering the harbour, to the _matelottes_ on the +quays, or send his love in bad French to the Prefect of Police. + +To struggle for a front place, in crowding off the steamer, as if the +ship was on fire. And finally-- + +To answer every one who addresses him in good English in the worst +possible French. + + * * * * * + +"What with the horse-boats," said Mrs. Ramsbotham, "the steam-lunches, +the condolers, the out-ragers, the Canadian caboose, and the banyans, we +had the greatest difficulty, at Henley, in getting from one side of the +river to the other." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: HOUSEBOAT AT THE ANCIENT HENLEIAN GAMES] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE "CENTIPEDE" + +A new flexible, patent-jointed, vertebral outrigger. (Seen--and +drawn--by our artist (the festive one), after an unusually scrumptious +lunch on board a houseboat at Henley).] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE INFLUENCE OF PLACES + +_Egeria._ "Surely, Mr. Swinson, it must have been here, and on such a +day as this, that you wrote those lines that end-- + +"'Give me the white-maned steeds to ride, +The Arabs of the main'----wasn't it?" + +_Mr. Swinson_ (_faintly_). "N-no. Reading party--half-way up +Matterhorn!"] + + * * * * * + +THE SILVER TEMS! + + The butiful River's a-running to Town, + It never runs up, but allers runs down, + Weather it rains, or weather it snos; + And where it all cums from, noboddy nose. + + The young swell Boatmen drest in white, + To their Mothers' arts must be a delite; + At roein or skullin the gals is sutch dabs, + For they makes no Fowls and they ketches no Crabs. + + The payshent hangler sets in a punt, + Willee ketch kold? I hopes as he wunt. + I wotches him long, witch I states is fax, + He dont ketch nothin but Ticklebacks. + + The prudent Ferryman sets under cover, + Waiting to take me from one shore to t'other; + I calls out "Hover!" and hover he roes, + If he aint sober then hover we goes. + + When it's poring with rane and a tempest a-blowin, + A penny don't seem mutch for this here rowin; + And wen the River's as ruff as the Sea, + I thinks of the two I'd sooner be me. + + For when I'm at work at Ampton or Lea, + Waitin at dinner, or waitin at tea, + I gits as much from a yewthful Pair + As he gits in a day for all that there. + + Then let me bless my lucky Star + That made me a Waiter and not a Tar; + And the werry nex time I've a glass of old Sherry, + I'll drink to the pore chap as roes that 'ere Ferry. + + ROBERT. + + * * * * * + +VERY LOW FORM ON THE PART OF FATHER THAMES. + +_Boy_ (_standing in mid-stream at Kew, to boating party_). "'Ere ye are! +Tow ye up to Richmond Lock! All by water, sir!" + + * * * * * + +PUNCH'S NAVAL SONGSTER + +It is a well-known fact that the songs of Dibdin had a wonderful effect +on the courage of the Navy, and there is no doubt that the Ben Blocks, +Ben Backstays, Tom Tackles, and Tom Bowlings, were, poetically speaking, +the fathers of our Nelsons, our Howes, our St. Vincents, and our +Codringtons. It will be the effort of _Punch's Naval Songster_ to do for +the Thames what Dibdin did for the Sea, and to inspire with courage +those honest-hearted fellows who man the steamers on the river. If we +can infuse a little spirit into them--which, by the bye, they greatly +want--our aim will be fully answered. + +[Illustration] + +NO. I.--IT BLEW GREAT GUNS + + It blew great guns when Sammy Snooks + Mounted the rolling paddles; + He met the mate with fearful looks-- + They shook each other's daddles. + The word was given to let go, + The funnel gave a screamer, + The stoker whistled from below, + And off she goes, blow high, blow low, + The _Atalanta_ steamer. + + His native Hungerford he leaves, + His Poll of Pedlar's Acre, + Who now ashore in silence grieves + Because he did not take her. + There's a collision fore and aft; + Against the pier they squeeze her. + "Up boys, and save the precious craft, + We from the station shall be chaff'd-- + Ho--back her--stop her--ease her." + + Aha! the gallant vessel rights, + She goes just where they want her; + She nears at last the Lambeth lights, + The trim-built _Atalantar_. + Sam Snooks his messmates calls around; + He speaks of Poll and beauty: + When suddenly a grating sound + Tells them the vessel's run aground + While they forgot their duty. + +NO. II.--BEN BOUNCE. + + My name's Ben Bounce, d'ye see, + A tar from top to toe, sirs. + I'm merry, blithe and free, + A marling-spike I know, sirs. + In friendship or in love, + I climb the top-sail's pinnacle, + But in a storm I always prove + My heart's abaft the binnacle. + + I fear no foreign foe, + But cruise about the river; + As up and down I go + My timbers never shiver. + When off life's end I get, + I'll make no useless rumpus; + But off my steam I'll let, + And box my mortal compass. + +NO. III.--THE CAPTAIN'S ROUNDELAY. + + Away, away, we gaily glide + Far from the wooden pier; + And down into the gushing tide + We drop the sailor's tear. + On--with the strong and hissing steam, + And seize the pliant wheel; + Of days gone by I fondly dream, + For oh! the tar _must_ feel! + + Quick, let the sturdy painter go, + And put the helm a-port; + Lay, lay the lofty funnel low, + And keep the rigging taut. + 'Tis true, my tongue decision shows, + I act the captain's part; + But oh! there's none on board that knows + The captain's aching heart. + + Upon the paddle-box all day + I've stood, and brav'd the gale, + While the light vessel made her way + Without a bit of sail. + And as upon its onward flight + The steamer cut the wave, + My crew I've order'd left and right, + My stout--my few--my brave! + +NO. IV.--TO MARY. + + Afloat, ashore, ahead, astern, + With winds propitious or contrary. + (I do not spin an idle yarn.) + No--no, belay! I love thee, Mary. + Amidships--on the Bentinck shrouds, + Athwart the hawse, astride the mizen, + Watching at night the fleecy clouds, + Your Harry wishes you were his'n. + + Then let us heave the nuptial lead, + In Hymen's port our anchors weighing; + Thy face shall be the figure-head + Our ship shall always be displaying. + But when old age shall bid us luff, + Our honest tack will never vary, + But I'll continue Harry Bluff, + And thou my little light-built Mary. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: CUMULATIVE! + +_Tourist_ (_on Scotch steamer_). "I say, steward, how do you expect +anybody to dry their hands on this towel? It's as wet as if it had been +dipped in the sea!" + +_Steward._ "Aweel--depped or no depped, there's a hundred fouk hae used +the toowl, and ye're the furrst that's grummelt!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: The Margate excursion boat arrives at 2.30 P.M., after a +rather boisterous passage. + +_Ticket Collector_ (_without any feeling_). "Ticket, sir! Thankye, sir! +Boat returns at 3!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Mothers Pet._ "Oh, there's ma on the beach, looking at +us, Alfred; let's make the boat lean over tremendously on one side!"] + + * * * * * + +WATER-PARTIES + +(_By Mr. Punch's Vagrant_) + + Take four pretty girls + And four tidy young men; + Add papa and mamma, + And your number is ten. + + Having ten in your party + You'll mostly be eight, + For you'll find you can count + Upon two to be late. + + In the packing of hampers + 'Tis voted a fault + To be rashly forgetful + Of corkscrew and salt. + + Take a mayonnaised lobster, + A tasty terrine, + A salmon, some lamb + And a gay galantine. + + Take fizz for the lads, + Claret-cup for the popsies, + And some tartlets with jam + So attractive to woppses. + + Let the men do the rowing, + And all acquire blisters; + While the boats go zigzag, + Being steered by their sisters. + + Then eat and pack up + And return as you came. + Though your comfort was _nil_, + You had fun all the same. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THOSE BROWNS AND THEIR LUMINOUS PAINT AGAIN] + + * * * * * + +"SIC TRANSIT----" + +Just starting down Southampton Water in jolly old Bigheart's yacht, _The +Collarbone_--or _Columbine_? I wonder which it is? Dear old Bigheart, +the best fellow in the world, and enthusiastic about yachting. So am I +(theoretically, and whilst in smooth water). Try to act as nautically as +possible, and ask skipper at frequent intervals "How does she bear?" +Don't know what it means; but, after all, what _does_ that matter? +Skipper stares at me rather helplessly, and mutters something about +"Nothe-nor-east-by-sou-sou-west." Feel that, with this lucid +explanation, I ought to be satisfied, so turn away, assume cheery aspect +and with a rolling gait seize the topsail-main-gaff-mizen sheet and pull +it lustily, with a "Yo, heave ho!" + +The pull, unfortunately, releases heavy block, which, falling on +Bigheart's head, seems to quite annoy him for the minute. We plunge into +Solent, and then bear away for West Channel. Skipper remarks that we +shall make a long "retch" of it (_absit omen_). He then adds that we +could "bring up"--why these unpleasantly suggestive nautical +expressions?--off Yarmouth. Not wishing to appear ignorant, I ask +Bigheart, "Why not make a course S.S. by E.?" He replies, "Because it +would take us ashore into the R. V. Yacht Club garden," and I retire +somewhat abashed. + +Out in West Channel we get into what skipper calls "a bit of a bobble." +Don't think I care quite so much for yachting in "bobbles." Bigheart +shows me all the varied beauties of the coast, but now they fail to +interest me. He says, "I say, we'll keep sailing until quite late this +evening, eh? That'll be jolly!" Reply, "Yes, that'll be jolly," but +somehow my voice lacks heartiness. + +An hour later I was lying down--I felt tired--when Bigheart came up, and +with a ring of joy in his manly tones exclaimed, "I tell you what, old +man; we'll carry right on, now, through the night. We're not in a hurry, +so we'll get as much sailing as we can." ... Then, with my last ounce of +failing strength, I sat up and denounced him as an assassin. + +After passing a night indescribable, lying on the shelf--I mean berth--I +was put ashore at Portland next morning. Should like to have procured +dear old Bigheart a government appointment there for seven years, as a +due reward for what he had been making me suffer. + + * * * * * + +SUITABLE SONG FOR BOATING MEN.--The last _rows_ of summer. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SAD RESULTS OF PERSISTENT BRIDGE PLAYING AT SEA + +_Owner._ "I'll 'eave it to you, partner!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Mr. Dibbles_ (_at Balham_). "Ah, the old Channel Tunnel +scheme knocked on the head at last! Good job too! Mad-headed +project--beastly unpatriotic too!"] + +[Illustration: _Mr. Dibbles_ (_en route for Paris. Sea choppy_.) +"Channel Tunnel not a bad idea. Entire journey to Paris by train. Grand +scheme! English people backward in these kind of things. Steward!" + + [_Goes below._ + +] + + * * * * * + +MY YOT + +(_A Confidential Carol, by a Cockney Owner, who inwardly feels that he +is not exactly "in it," after all_) + + What makes me deem I'm of Viking blood + (Though a wee bit queer when the pace grows hot), + A briny slip of the British brood? + My Yot! + + What makes me rig me in curious guise? + Like a kind of a sort of--I don't know what, + And talk sea-slang, to the world's surprise? + My Yot! + + What makes me settle my innermost soul + On winning a purposeless silver pot, + And walk with a (very much) nautical roll? + My Yot! + + What makes me learned in cutters and yawls, + And time-allowance--which others must tot--, + And awfully nervous in sudden squalls? + My Yot! + + What makes me sprawl on the deck all day, + And at night play "Nap" till I lose a lot, + And grub in a catch-who-can sort of a way? + My Yot! + + What makes me qualmish, timorous, pale, + (Though rather than own it I'd just be shot) + When the _Fay_ in the wave-crests dips her sail? + My Yot! + + What makes me "patter" to skipper and crew + In a kibosh style that a child might spot, + And tug hard ropes till my knuckles go blue? + My Yot! + + What makes me snooze in a narrow, close bunk, + Till the cramp my limbs doth twist and knot, + And brave discomfort, and face blue-funk? + My Yot! + + What makes me gammon my chummiest friends + To "try the fun"--which I know's all rot-- + And earn the dead-cut in which all this ends? + My Yot! + + What makes me, in short, an egregious ass, + A bore, a butt, who, not caring a jot + For the sea, as a sea-king am seeking to pass? + My Yot! + + * * * * * + +AT WHITBY.--_Visitor_ (_to Ancient Mariner, who has been relating his +experiences to crowd of admirers_). "Then do you mean to tell us that +you actually reached the North Pole?" + +_Ancient Mariner._ "No, sir; that would be a perwersion of the truth. +But I seed it a-stickin' up among the ice just as plain as you can this +spar, which I plants in the sand. It makes me thirsty to think of that +marvellous sight, we being as it were parched wi' cold." + + [_A. M.'s distress promptly relieved by audience._ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE DANGERS OF HENLEY + +_Voice from the bridge above._ "Oh, lor, Sarah, I've bin and dropped the +strawberries and cream!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _His Fair Companion_ (_drowsily_). "I think a Canadian is +the best river craft, after all, as it's less like _work_ than the +others!"] + + * * * * * + + +THE RULE OF THE RIVER + +(_As Deduced from a late Collision_) The rule of the river's a +mystery quite, Other craft when you're steering among, If you starboard +your helm, you ain't sure you are right, If you port, you may prove to +be wrong. + + * * * * * + +"THE USUAL CHANNEL" + + To what snug refuge do I fly + When glass is low, and billows high, + And goodness knows what fate is nigh?-- + My Cabin! + + Who soothes me when in sickness' grip, + Brings a consolatory "nip," + And earns my blessing, and his tip?-- + The Steward! + + When persons blessed with fancy rich + Declare "she" does not roll, or pitch. + What say--"The case is hardly sich"?-- + My Senses! + + What makes me long for _real_ Free Trade, + When no Douaniers could invade. + Nor keys, when wanted, be mislaid?-- + My Luggage! + + What force myself, perhaps another, + To think (such thoughts we try to smother) + "The donkey-engine is our brother"?-- + Our Feelings! + + And what, besides a wobbling funnel, + Screw-throb, oil-smell, unstable gunwale, + Converts me to a Channel Tunnel?-- + My Crossing! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: 'ARRY CATCHES A CRAB] + + * * * * * + +AT GORING + + Where is the sweetest river reach, + With nooks well worth exploring, + Wild woods of bramble, thorn and beech + Their fragrant breath outpouring? + Where does our dear secluded stream + Most gaily gleam? + At Goring. + + Where sings the thrush amid the fern? + Where trills the lark upsoaring? + Where build the timid coot and hern, + The foot of man ignoring? + Where sits secure the water vole + Beside her hole? + At Goring. + + Where do the stars dramatic shine + 'Mid satellites adoring? + And where does fashion lunch and dine + _Al fresco_, bored and boring? + Where do we meet confections sweet + And toilets neat? + At Goring. + + Where are regattas? Where are trains + Their noisy crowds outpouring? + And bands discoursing hackneyed strains, + And rockets skyward soaring? + Where is this _urbs in rure_?--where + This Cockney Fair? + At Goring. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: NOTES FROM COWES + +"Call this pleasure? Well, all I say is, give me Staines and a +fishing-punt!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration] + +NICE NIGHT AT SEA + +(_Extracts from the Travel Diary of Toby, M.P._) + +_Gulf of Lyons, Friday._--The casual traveller on Continental railways, +especially in France, is familiar with the official attitude towards the +hapless wayfarer. The leading idea is to make the journey as difficult +and as uncomfortable as possible. The plan is based on treatment of +parcels or baggage. The passenger is bundled about, shunted, locked up +in waiting-rooms, and finally delivered in a limp state at whatever hour +and whatsoever place may suit the convenience of the railway people. +Discover the same spirit dominant in management and arrangements of the +sea service. Steamer from Marseilles to Tunis advertised to sail to-day +at noon. On taking tickets, ordered to be on board at ten o'clock. + +Why two hours before starting? Gentleman behind counter shrugs his +shoulders, hugs his ribs with his elbows, holds out his hands with +deprecatory gesture and repeats, "_À dix heures, Monsieur_." + +Gestures even more eloquent than speech. Plainly mean that unless we are +alongside punctually at ten o'clock our blood, or rather our passage, +will be on our own heads. Spoils a morning; might have gone about town +till eleven o'clock; breakfasted at leisure; sauntered on board a few +minutes before noon. However, when in Marseilles chant the +"_Marseillaise_." + +Down punctually at ten; found boat in course of loading; decks full of +dirt and noise, the shouting of men, the creaking of the winch, the +rattling of the chains. Best thing to do is to find our cabin, stow away +our baggage, and walk on the quay, always keeping our eye on the boat +lest she should suddenly slip her moorings and get off to sea without +us. Look out for steward. Like the Spanish fleet, steward is not yet in +sight. Roaming about below, come upon an elderly lady, with a lame leg, +an alarming squint, and a waist like a ship's. (Never saw a ship's +waist, but fancy no mortal man could get his arm round it.) The elderly +lady, who displayed signs of asthma, tells me she is the stewardess. Ask +her where is our cabin. "_Voilà_," she says. Following the direction of +her glance, I make for a berth close by. Discover I had not made +allowance for the squint; she is really looking in another direction. +Carefully taking my bearings by this new light, I make for another +passage; find it blocked up; stewardess explains that they are loading +the ship--apparently through the floor of our cabin. "_Tout à l'heure_," +she says, with comprehensive wave of the hand. + +Nothing to be done but leave our baggage lying about, go on deck, and +watch the loading. Better not leave the ship. If the laborious Frenchmen +in blouses and perspiration see our trunks, they will certainly pop them +into the hold, where all kinds of miscellaneous parcels, cases and bales +are being chucked without the slightest attempt at fitting in. + +A quarter to twelve; only fifteen minutes now; getting hungry; had +coffee and bread and butter early so as not to miss the boat. Watch a +man below in the hold trying to fit in a bicycle with a +four-hundredweight bale, a quarter-ton case, and a barrel of cement. +Evidently piqued at resistance offered by the apparently frail, +defenceless contrivance. Tries to bend the fore wheel so as to +accommodate the cask; that failing, endeavours to wind the hind wheel +round the case; failing in both efforts, he just lays the bicycle loose +on the top of the miscellaneous baggage and the hatch is battened down. +In the dead unhappy night that followed, when the sea was on the deck, I +often thought of the bicycle cavorting to and fro over the serrated +ridge of the cargo. + +Ten minutes to twelve; a savoury smell from the cook's galley. Suppose +_déjeuner_ will be served as soon as we leave the dock. Heard a good +deal of superiority of French cooking aboard ship as compared with +British. Some compensation after all for getting up early, swallowing +cup of coffee and bread and butter, and rushing off to catch at ten +o'clock a ship that sails at noon. Perhaps the cloth is laid now; better +go and secure places. Find saloon. Captain and officers at breakfast, +their faces illumined with the ecstasy born to a Frenchman when he finds +an escargot on his plate. + +Evidently they are breakfasting in good time so as to take charge of the +ship whilst _nous autres_ succeed to the pleasures of the table. What's +our hour, I wonder? Find some one who looks like a steward; ask him; +says, "_Cinq heures et demie_." A little late that for breakfast, I +diffidently suggest. Explains not breakfast but dinner; first meal at +5.30 P.M. Can't we have _déjeuner_ if I pay for it? I ask, +ostentatiously shaking handful of coppers in trousers-pocket. No, he +says, severely; that's against the _règlement_. + +Steamer starts in seven minutes; noticed at dock-gates women with +baskets of dubious food; dash off to buy some; clutch at a plate of +sandwiches, alleged to be compacted of _jambon de York_. Get back just +as gangway is drawn up. Sit on deck and munch our sandwiches. "I know +that Ham," said Sark, moodily. "It came out of the Ark." + +Recommitted it to the waves, giving it the bearings for Ararat. Ate the +bread and wished half-past five or Blucher would come. + + * * * * * + +A lovely day in Marseilles; not a breath of wind stirred the blue water +that laved the white cliffs on which Château d'If stands. Shall have a +lovely passage. Make ourselves comfortable on deck with cushions and +books. Scarcely outside the harbour when a wind sprang up from S.E. dead +ahead of us. The sea rose with amazing rapidity; banks of leaden-hued +clouds obscured the sun-light; then the rain swished down; saloon deck +cleared; passengers congregated under shelter in the saloon; as the +cranky little steamer rolled and pitched, the place emptied. When at +5.30 the dinner-bell rang, only six took their places, and all declined +soup. With the darkness the storm rose. If the ship could have made up +its mind either to roll or to pitch, it could have been endured. It had +an agonising habit of leaping up with apparent intent to pitch, and, +changing its mind, rolling over, groaning in every plank. Every third +minute the nose of the ship being under water, and the stern clear out, +the screw leaped full half-length in the air, sending forth +blood-curdling sounds. Midway came a fearsome crash of crockery, the +sound reverberating above the roar of the wind, and the thud of the +water falling by tons on the deck, making the ship quiver like a spurred +horse. + +"I begin to understand now," said Sark, "how the walls of Jericho fell." + +Much trouble with the Generalissimo. When he came aboard at Marseilles +he suffused the ship with pleasing sense of the military supremacy of +Great Britain. Has seen more than seventy summers, but still walks with +sprightly step and head erect. The long droop of his carefully-curled +iron-grey moustache is of itself sufficient to excite terror in the +bosom of the foe. The Generalissimo has not the word retreat in his +vocabulary. He was one of the six who to-night sat at the dinner-table +and deftly caught scraps of meat and vegetable as the plates flew past. +But after dinner he collapsed. Thought he had retired to his berth; +towards nine o'clock a faint voice from the far end of the cabin led to +discovery of him prone on the floor, where he had been flung from one of +the benches. We got him up, replaced him tenderly on the bench, making a +sort of barricade on the offside with bolsters. A quarter of an hour +later the ship gave a terrible lurch to leeward; the screw hoarsely +shrieked; another batch of crockery crashed down; above the uproar, a +faint voice was heard moaning, "Oh, dear! Oh, dear!" + +We looked at the bench where we had laid the Generalissimo, his martial +cloak around him. Lo! he was not. + +Guided by former experience, we found him under the table. Evidently no +use propping him up. So with the cushions we made a bed on the floor, +and the old warrior securely slept, soothed by the swish of the water +that crossed and recrossed the cabin floor as the ship rolled to leeward +or to starboard. + +When the Generalissimo came aboard at Marseilles, surveying the +fortifications of the harbour as if he intended storming them, his +accent suggested that if not of foreign birth, he had lived long in +continental courts and camps. Odd to note how, as his physical +depression grew, an Irish accent softened his speech, till at length he +murmured of misery in the mellifluous brogue of County Cork. + +Pretty to see the steward when the flood in the saloon got half a foot +deep ladle it out with a dustpan. + +_Tunis, Monday_, 1 A.M.--Just limped in here with deck cargo washed +overboard, bulwarks stove in, engine broken down, an awesome list to +port, galley so clean swept the cook doesn't know it, the cabins +flooded, and scarce a whole bit of crockery in the pantry. Twenty-one +hours late; not bad on a thirty-six-hours' voyage. + +Captain comforts us with assurance that having crossed the Mediterranean +man and boy for forty years, he never went through such a storm. Have +been at sea a bit myself; only once, coasting in a small steamer off +Japan, have I seen--or, since it was in the main pitch dark, +felt--anything like it. Generalissimo turned up at dinner last night, +his moustache a little draggled, but his port once more martial. His +chief lament is, that going down to his berth yesterday morning, having +spent Friday night in the security of the saloon floor, he found his +boots full of water. This brings out chorus of heartrending experience. +Every cabin flooded; boxes and portmanteaus floating about. Sark and I +spent a more or less cosy night in the saloon. To us entered +occasionally one of the crew ostentatiously girt with a life-belt. Few +incidents so soothing on such a night. Fortunately, we did not hear +till entering port how in the terror of the night two conscripts, bound +for Bizerta, jumped overboard and were seen no more. + +"If this is the way they usually get to Tunis," says Sark, "I hope the +French will keep it all to themselves. In this particular case, there is +more in the Markiss's 'graceful concession' than meets the eye." + + * * * * * + +RIVER GAMBLING.--"Punting," says the _Daily News_, "has become a very +fashionable form of amusement on the Upper Thames." So it is at Monte +Carlo. Punting is given up by all who find themselves in hopelessly low +water. + + * * * * * + +LIVE WHILE YOU MAY.--_Timid Passenger_ (_as the gale freshened_). "Is +there any danger?" _Tar_ (_ominously_). "Well, them as likes a good +dinner had better hev it to-day!" + + * * * * * + +SATISFACTORY.--We are glad to be able to report that the gentleman who +one day last week, while walking on the bank of the Thames near Henley, +fell in with a friend, is doing well. His companion is also progressing +favourably. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: TOO SOLID + +_Skipper._ "Did ye got the proveesions Angus?" + +_Angus._ "Ay, ay! A half loaf, an' fouer bottles o' whiskey." + +_Skipper._ "An' what in the woarld will ye be doin' wi' aal that +bread?"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: RESIGNATION + +_Sympathetic Old Gentleman._ "I'm sorry to see your husband suffer so, +ma'am. He seems very----" + +_Lady Passenger_ (_faintly_). "Oh dear! He isn't my husband. 'Sure I +don't know who the ge'tleman is!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A FLIGHT OF FANCY + +_Visitor._ "Good morning: tide's very high this morning, eh?" + +_Ancient Mariner._ "Ar, if the sea was all _beer_, there wouldn' be no +bloomin' 'igh tides!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A QUESTION OF HOSPITALITY AT HENLEY + +"Unbidden guests are often welcomest when they are +gone."--_Shakespeare._] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A DELICIOUS SAIL--OFF DOVER + +_Old Lady._ "Goodness gracious, Mr. Boatman! What's that?" + +_Stolid Boatman._ "That, mum! Nuthun, mum. Only the Artillery a +prac-_ti_-sin', and that's one o' the cannon balls what's just struck +the water!!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: POOR HUMANITY! + +_Bride._ "I think--George, dear--I should--be better--if we walked +about----" + +_Husband_ (_one wouldn't have believed it of him_). "You can do as you +like, love. I'm very well (!) as I am!!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Intelligent Foreigner._ "I am afraid zey are not much +use, zeze grand works of yours at Dovaire. Vot can zey do against our +submarines?--our leetle Gustave Zêde? Ah, ze submarine e' is mos +terrible, an' ze crews also--ze matelots--zey are 'eroes! Vy, every time +zey go on board of him zey say goodbye to zer vives an' families!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A TRYING MOMENT + +_Doris._ "Oh, Jack, here come those Sellerby girls! Do show them how +beautifully you can punt."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE HEIGHT OF IMPROPRIETY + +_Miss Grundison, Junior._ "There goes Lucy Holroyd, all alone in a boat +with young Snipson, as usual! So imprudent of them!" + +_Her Elder Sister._ "Yes; how shocking if they were upset and +drowned--without a chaperon, you know!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: LOCAL OPTION + +_Captain of Clyde steamer_ (_to stoker, as they sighted their port_). +"Slack awee, Donal', slack awee"--(_he was interested in the liquors +sold_)--"they're drencken haurd yenoo!!"] + + * * * * * + +'ARRY ON A 'OUSE-BOAT + +[Illustration] + + Dear Charlie,--It's 'ot, and no error! + Summer on us, at last, with a bust; + Ninety odd in the shade as I write, I've a 'ed, and a thunderin' + thust. + Can't go on the trot at this tempryture, though I'm on 'oliday + still; + So I'll pull out my _eskrytor_, Charlie, and give you a touch of + my quill. + + If you find as my fist runs to size, set it down to that quill, + dear old pal; + Correspondents is on to me lately, complains as I write like a gal. + Sixteen words to the page, and slopscrawly, all dashes and blobs. + Well, it's true; + But a quill and big sprawl is the fashion, so wot is a feller to do? + + Didn't spot you at 'Enley, old oyster--I did 'ope you'd shove in + your oar. + We 'ad a rare barney, I tell you, although a bit spiled by the pour. + + 'Ad a invite to 'Opkins's 'ouse-boat, prime pitch, and swell party, + yer know, + Pooty girls, first-class lotion, and music. I tell yer we did let + things go. + + Who sez 'Enley ain't up to old form, that Society gives it the slip? + Wish you could 'ave seen us--and heard us--old boy, when aboard of + our ship. + Peonies and poppies ain't in it for colour with our little lot, + And with larfter and banjos permiskus we managed to mix it up 'ot. + + My blazer was claret and mustard, my "stror" was a rainbow gone + wrong! + I ain't one who's ashamed of his colours, but likes 'em mixed + midd-lingish strong. + 'Emmy 'Opkins, the fluffy-'aired daughter, a dab at a punt or canoe, + Said I looked like a garden of dahlias, and showed up her neat + navy blue. + +[Illustration] + + Fair mashed on yours truly, Miss Emmy; but that's only jest by the + way, + 'Arry ain't one to brag of _bong jour tunes_; but wot I wos wanting + to say + Is about this here "spiling the River" which snarlers set down to + our sort. + Bosh! Charlie, extreme Tommy rot! It's these sniffers as want to + spile sport. + + Want things all to theirselves, these old jossers, and all on the + strictest Q. T. + Their idea of the Thames being "spiled" by the smallest suggestion + of spree, + Wy, it's right down rediklus, old pal, gives a feller the dithreums + it do. + I mean going for them a rare bat, and I'm game to wire in till + all's blue. + + Who are they, these stuckuppy snipsters, as jaw about quiet and + peace, + Who would silence the gay "constant-screamer" and line the Thames + banks with perlice; + Who sneer about "'Arry at 'Enley," and sniff about "cads on the + course," + As though it meant "Satan in Eden"? I'll 'owl at sich oafs till + I'm 'oarse! + + Scrap o' sandwich-greased paper 'll shock 'em, a ginger-beer + bottle or "Bass," + Wot 'appens to drop 'mong the lilies, or gets chucked aside on + the grass, + Makes 'em gasp like a frog in a frying-pan. Br-r-r-r! Wot old + mivvies they are! + Got nerves like a cobweb, I reckon, a smart banjo-twang makes + 'em jar. + + I'm toffy, you know, and no flies, Charlie; swim with the swells, + and all that, + But _I_'m blowed if this bunkum don't make me inclined to turn + Radical rat. + "Riparian rights," too! Oh scissors! They'd block the backwaters + and broads, + Because me and my pals likes a lark! Serve 'em right if old Burns + busts their 'oards! + + Rum blokes, these here Sosherlist spouters! There's Dannel the + Dosser, old chap, + As you've 'eard me elude to afore. Fair stone-broker, not wuth + 'arf a rap-- + Knows it's all Cooper's ducks with _him_, Charlie; won't run to + a pint o' four 'arf, + And yet he will slate me like sugar, and give me cold beans with + his charf. + + Sez Dannel--and dash his darned cheek, Charlie!--"Monkeys like + you"--meaning _Me_!-- + "Give the latter-day Mammon his chance. Your idea of a lark or + a spree + Is all Noise, Noodle-Nonsense, and Nastiness! Dives, who wants + an excuse + For exclusiveness, finds it in _you_, you contemptible + coarse-cackling goose! + + "Riparian rights? That's the patter of Ahab to Naboth, of course; + But 'tis pickles like you make it plausible, louts such as you give + it force. + You make sweet Thames reaches Gehennas, the fair Norfolk Broads + you befoul; + You--_you_, who'd make Beulah a hell with your blatant Bank + Holiday howl! + + "Decent property-owners abhor you; you spread your coarse feasts + on their lawns, + And 'Arry's a hog when he feeds, and an ugly Yahoo when he yawns; + You litter, and ravage, and cock-sky; you romp like a satyr obscene, + And the noise of you rises to heaven till earth might blush red + through her green. + + "You are moneyed, sometimes, and well-tailored; but come you from + Oxford or Bow, + You're a flaring offence when you lounge, and a blundering pest when + you row; + Your 'monkeyings' mar every pageant, your shindyings spoil + every sport, + And there isn't an Eden on earth but's destroyed when it's + 'Arry's resort. + + "Then monopolist Mammon may chuckle, Riparian Ahabs rejoice; + There's excuse in your Caliban aspect, your hoarse and ear-torturing + voice, + You pitiful Cockney-born Cloten, you slum-bred Silenus, 'tis you + Spoil the silver-streamed Thames for Pan-lovers, and all the + nymph-worshipping crew!" + + I've "reported" as near as no matter! I don't hunderstand more + than arf + Of his patter; he's preciously given to potry and classical charf. + But the cheek on it, Charlie! A Stone-broke! I _should_ like to give + him wot for, + Only Dannel the Dosser's a dab orf of whom 'tain't so easy to score. + + But it's time that this bunkum was bunnicked, bin fur too much on + it of late-- + Us on 'Opkins's 'ouse-boat, I tell yer, cared nix for the + ink-spiller's "slate." + _I_ mean doin' them Broads later on, for free fishing and shooting, + that's flat. + If I don't give them dash'd Norfolk Dumplings a doing, I'll eat my + old 'at. + + Rooral quiet, and rest, and refinement? Oh, let 'em go home and + eat coke. + These fussy old footlers whose 'air stands on hend at a row-de-dow + joke, + The song of the skylark sounds pooty, but "skylarking" song's + better fun, + And you carn't do the rooral to-rights on a tract and a tuppenny bun. + + As to colour, and kick-up, and sing-song, our party was fair to + the front; + But we wosn't alone; lots of toppers, in 'ouse-boat, or four-oar, + or punt, + Wos a doin' the rorty and rosy as lively as 'Opkins's lot, + Ah! the swells sling it out pooty thick; _they_ ain't stashed by no + ink-spiller's rot. + + Bright blazers, and twingle-twang banjoes, and bottles of Bass, + my dear boy, + Lots of dashing, and splashing, and "mashing" are things every man + must enjoy, + And the petticoats ain't fur behind 'em, you bet. While top-ropes + I can carry, + It ain't soap-board slop about "Quiet" will put the clear kibosh + on 'Arry. + + * * * * * + +"JAM" NON "SATIS." + +(_A Lay of Medmenham, by a Broken-hearted Boating Man landing from the +Thames, who was informed that, by the rules of the Hotel, visitors were +not allowed jam with their tea if served in the garden._) + + There's a river hotel that is known very well, + From the turmoil of London withdrawn, + Between Henley and Staines, where this strange rule obtains-- + That you must not have jam on the lawn. + + In the coffee-room still you may eat what you will, + Such as chicken, beef, mutton, or brawn, + Jam and marmalade too, but, whatever you do, + Don't attempt to eat jam on the lawn. + + Young Jones and his bride sought the cool river side, + And she said, as she skipped like a fawn, + "As it _is_, it is nice, but 'twould be paradise, + Could we only have jam on the lawn!" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE THAMES + +(Development of the houseboat system)] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "DOWN IN THE DEEP" + +Fun at Henley Regatta. Bertie attempts to extricate his punt from the +crowd.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "I say, you girls, we shall be over in a second, and if +you can't swim better than you punt, I'm afraid I shan't be able to save +both of you!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A PLEDGED M.P. (1869). + +_M.P.'s Bride._ "Oh! William, dear--if you are--a Liberal--do bring in a +Bill--next Session--for that underground tunnel!!"] + + * * * * * + +THE YACHTING SEASON + +(_Examination for a Master's Certificate_) + +1. Can you dance a hornpipe? If so, which? (_Vivâ voce._) If dancing +unaccompanied by fiddle, whistle the first eight bars of College +Hornpipe. Also, dance the three first figures of the hornpipe, +announcing the distinctive name of each beforehand. + +2. Explain the terms "Ahoy!" "Avast!" "Belay!" Whence derived? Also of +"Splice my main-brace." Is "main-brace" a part of rigging, or of +sailor's costume? Which? If neither, what? Is "Lubber" a term of +opprobrium or of endearment? State varieties of "Lubber." Give +derivations of the terms "Bum-boat woman," "Marlin' spike," "Son of a +sea-cook," "Dash my lee-scuppers!" "Pipe your eye," "Tip us your +grapplin' iron." + +3. How many mates may a sea captain legally possess at any one time? + +4. Is "sextant" the feminine of "sexton"? + +5. How often do "the red magnetic pole" and "the blue pole" require +repainting? At whose expense is the operation performed? + +6. Are only Royal Academicians eligible as "painters" on board? + +7. Is it the duty of the surgeon on board ship to attend the "heeling"? + +8. In case the needles of the compass get out of order, will pins do as +well? + +9. At what time in the day, whether previous or subsequent to dinner, is +it necessary to "allow for deviations"? + +10. Draw a picture of "Three Belles." Give classic illustration from the +story of Paris. + +11. What rule is there as to showing lights on nearing Liverpool? + +12. When in doubt, would you consult "the visible horizon," "the +sensible horizon," or "the rational horizon"? Give reason for your +selection. + +13. Can sailors ever trust "the artificial horizon"? If so, under what +circumstances? + +14. Is "Azimuth" an idol, or something to eat? + +15. Would "mean time" always refer to lowering wages or diminishing +rations? + +16. Presuming you know all about the "complement of an arc," explain +that of Noah's. + +17. Who was "Parallax"? Give a brief sketch of his career. + +18. Give example of "meridian altitude of a celestial object," by +drawing a picture of the Chinese giant who was over here some time ago. + +19. Give history of "the Poles." Who was Kosciusko? Is this spelling of +his name correct? + +20. "Civil time." Illustrate this term from English history. + +21. Can a "first mate's ordinary certificate" be granted by Doctors' +Commons or the Archbishop of Canterbury? + +(_On these questions being satisfactorily answered, the next Examination +Paper will be issued._) + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THAMES TRAGEDIES + +Jones says there is only one _really_ safe way of changing places in a +skiff!] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: DE GUSTIBUS, ETC. + +_Philosophical Sea-faring Party_ (_who manages our friend's yacht_). +"Well, ladies and genelmen, I s'pose this is what _you_ calls +_pleasure_, and comes all the way from London for?" + + [_Brown, the funny man, with the eye-glass, thinks it an _Idyachtic_ kind + of pleasure, but is actually too far gone to say so._ + +] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "Nice piece o' biled mutton, sir?"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration] + +I'M AFLOAT + +(_Mr. Punch in the Ocean on the broad of his back, singeth_) + + I'm afloat, I'm afloat, what matters it where? + So the devils don't know my address, I don't care. + Of London I'm sick, I've come down to the sea, + And let who will make up next week's number for me! + At my lodgings, I know, I'm done frightfully brown, + And e'en lobsters and shrimps cost me more than in town; + I've B. flats in my bed, and my landlady stern, + Says from London I've brought 'em to give her a turn. + Yet I'm happier far in my dear seaside home, + Than the Queen on Dee side, or Art-traveller in Rome; + A Cab-horse at grass would be nothing to me, + + On the broad of my back floating free, floating free! + On the broad of my back floating free, floating free! + Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! ha! + Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! ha! + + With the lodging-house-keepers all day on the bite, + And the insects I spoke of as hungry at night, + With the organs "_Dog-traying_" and "_Bobbing Around_," + And extra-size Crinolines sweeping the ground, + You may think _Mr. Punch_ might be apt to complain + That the seaside's but Regent Street over again: + But from devils and copy and proof-sheets set free, + I've a week to do nothing but bathe in the sea. + In steamers and yachts I've been rocked on its breast, + And didn't much like it, it must be confessed; + But a cosy machine and shoal water give me, + And there let me float--let me float and be free! + Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! ha! + Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! ha! + (1858) + + * * * * * + +THAMES WEATHER + + Come, George, give your clubs and your Haskells a rest, man: + You can't spend the whole of your lifetime in golf; + If it pleases your pride I'll admit you're the best man + That ever wore scarlet or teed a ball off; + I'll allow they can't match you in swinging or driving, + That your shots are as long as they always are true, + And I'll grant that what others effect after striving + For years on the green comes by nature to you. + +[Illustration] + + But the sun's in the sky, and the leaves are a-shiver + With a soft bit of breeze that is cool to the brow; + And I seem to remember a jolly old river + Which is smiling all over--I think you know how. + There are whispers of welcome from rushes and sedge there, + There's a blaze of laburnum and lilac and may; + There are lawns of close grass sloping down to the edge there; + You can lie there and lounge there and dream there to-day. + + There are great spreading chestnuts all ranged in their arches + With their pinnacled blossoms so pink and so white; + There are rugged old oaks, there are tender young larches, + There are willows, cool willows, to chequer the light. + Each tree seems to ask you to come and be shaded-- + It's a way they all have, these adorable trees-- + And the leaves all invite you to float down unaided + In your broad-bottomed punt and to rest at your ease. + + And then, when we're tired of the _dolce far niente_, + We'll remember our skill in the grandest of sports, + Imagine we're back at the great age of twenty, + And change our long clothes for a zephyr and shorts. + And so, with a zest that no time can diminish, + We will sit in our boat and get forward and dare, + As we grip the beginning and hold out the finish, + To smite the Thames furrows afloat in a pair. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: AQUATICS--WHEN THE BEES ARE SWARMING] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: PREHISTORIC PEEPS + +It is quite a mistake to suppose that Henley Regatta was not anticipated +in earliest times.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration] + +ON THE RIVER + + I sat in a punt at Twickenham, + I've sat at Hampton Wick in 'em. + I hate sea boats, I'm sick in 'em-- + The man, I, Tom, and Dick in 'em. + Oh, gentles! I've been pickin 'em. + For bait, the man's been stickin 'em + (Cruel!) on hooks with kick in 'em + The small fish have been lickin 'em. + And when the hook was quick in 'em, + I with my rod was nickin 'em, + Up in the air was flickin 'em. + My feet so cold, kept kickin 'em. + We'd hampers, with _aspic_ in 'em, + Sandwiches made of chicken, 'em + We ate, we'd stone jars thick, in 'em + Good liquor; we pic-nic-ing 'em + Sat: till our necks a rick in 'em + We turned again t'wards Twickenham. + And paid our punts, for tickin 'em + They don't quite see at Twickenham. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE ART OF CONVERSATION + +_British Tourist_ (_to fellow-passenger, in mid-Channel_). "Going +across, I suppose?" + +_Fellow-Passenger._ "Yaas. Are you?"] + + * * * * * + +THE CHANNEL BAROMETER + +_Very fair._--Really delightful. Nothing could be pleasanter. Sunshine. +Ozone. Does everyone a world of good. Would not miss such a passage for +worlds. + +_Fair._--Yes; it is decidedly an improvement upon a railway carriage. +Room to move about. I don't in the least mind the eighty odd minutes. If +cold, you can put on a wrap, and there you are. + +_Change._--Always thought there was something to be said in favour of +the Channel Tunnel. Of course, one likes to be patriotic, but the +movement in a choppy sea is the reverse of invigorating. + +_Wind._--There should be a notice when a bad passage is expected. It's +all very well to describe this as "moderate," but that doesn't prevent +the beastly waves from running mountains high. + +_Stormy._--It is simply disgraceful. Would not have come if I had known. +Too depressed to say anything. Where is the steward? + +_Gale._--Why--was--I--ever--born? + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: EUPHEMISM + +_Man in Boat._ "Come along, old chap, and let's pull up to Marlow." + +_Man on Shore._ "I think I'll get you to excuse me, old man. I don't +like sculling--it--er--hurts the back of my head so!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A CRISIS + +_His Better and Stouter Half._ "Oh, Charley, if we're upset, you mean to +say you expect me to get into _this_?" + +[_Horror-stricken husband has no answer ready._ + +] + + * * * * * + +LOVE ON THE OCEAN + + They met, 'twas in a storm, + On the deck of a steamer; + She spoke in language warm, + Like a sentimental dreamer. + + He spoke--at least he tried; + His position he altered; + Then turn'd his face aside, + And his deep-ton'd voice falter'd. + + She gazed upon the wave, + Sublime she declared it; + But no reply he gave-- + He could not have dared it. + + A breeze came from the south, + Across the billows sweeping; + His heart was in his mouth, + And out he thought 'twas leaping. + + "O, then, Steward," he cried, + With the deepest emotion; + Then tottered to the side, + And leant o'er the ocean. + + The world may think him cold, + But they'll pardon him with quickness, + When the fact they shall be told, + That he suffer'd from sea-sickness. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: PUNCH'S ILLUSTRATIONS TO SHAKSPEARE + +"_Richmond_ is on the seas." + +_Richard III., Act iv., Scene 4._] + + * * * * * + +LECTURES ON YACHTING + +_By_ PROFESSOR AQUARIUS BRICK + +We were present when the accomplished Professor Brick recently delivered +a series of lectures on yachting, which were very well attended. By his +kind permission, we have preserved bits of the discourses here and +there. We extract, _à discrétion_:-- + +"I come now," went on the Professor, "to your most important +yachters--your genuine swells. Their cutters are in every harbour; you +trace their wake by empty champagne bottles on every sea. To such dandy +sea-kings I would now say one word. + +"About your choice of cruising ground you cannot have much difficulty. +The Mediterranean is your proper spot. It is true that we will not +tolerate its being made a French lake--its proper vocation is that of +English pond! + +"I would advise you all to be very particular in not letting your +'skipper' have too much authority. Remember always, that _you are the +owner_--high-spirited gentlemen do. Surely a man may sail his own yacht, +if anybody may! It is as much his property as his horse is. To be sure, +when the weather is very bad, I would let the fellow take charge then. +There is a very odd difference between the Bay of Biscay and the water +inside the Isle of Wight, when it blows. And a skipper _too much +snubbed_ gets rusty at awkward times. + +"Your conduct in harbour will be regulated by circumstances--which +means, dinners. Generally speaking, the fact of having a yacht will +carry you everywhere. As every aëronaut is 'intrepid' by courtesy, so +every yachtsman is a 'fashionable arrival.' This great truth is scarcely +enough appreciated in England. I have known very worthy men spend in +trying to get into great society in London, sums which, judiciously +invested _in a yacht_, would have taken them to dozens of great people's +houses abroad. You will get asked to dinner; you will be feasted well, +generally. Anything in the way of excitement--particularly good, rich, +hospitable excitement--is heartily welcome in our colonial settlements +and stations. + +"But I am not now speaking only to those who yacht, because to have a +yacht is a fine thing. I recognise also an imperial class of +yachtsmen--the swans of the flock of geese. I have seen a coronet on a +binnacle, before now. I have seen a large stately schooner sail into a +Mediterranean port--as into a drawing-room--splendid and serene. The +harbour-master's boat is on the alert these mornings. The men-of-war +send their boats to tow; the dandiest lieutenant goes in the barge; the +senior captain offers his services. When such a yacht as that goes into +the Golden Horn, the Sultan is shown to these yachters--like any +curiosity in his capital--like any odd thing in his town! They are +presented to him, as it is called, that _he_ may be looked at. + +"To this magnificent class I have not much to say. They don't snub their +skipper--they are far too fine to do that. They are scarcely distinctive +as travellers, for they are the same abroad as at home. In them, England +is represented. England floats in a lump through the sea, like Delos +used to do. As they say and do just the same as they have always said +and done at home--see and mix with the same kind of people--I often +wonder what they learn by it. When they go to visit Thermopylæ or +Marathon, it is with a lot of tents, donkeys, camp-stools, +travelling-cases, guides, and servants--such as Xerxes might have had. +They encumber the ruins of temples with the multitude of their baggage. +The position seems so unnatural, that I can't fancy their getting any +moral or intellectual profit from it. They are too well off for +that--like a fellow who cannot see for fat. Depend on it, you cannot see +much through a painted window, however fine it is." + +Professor Brick concluded his first sketch amidst much applause. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: HOW VERY THOUGHTFUL + +_Old Lady._ "Are you not afraid of getting drown'd when you have the +boat so full?" + +_Boatman._ "Oh, dear, no, mum. I always wears a life-belt, so I'm safe +enough."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: STANCH! + +_Complaisant Uncle_ (_who has remembered his nephew in his will, and is +up to his ankles in water_). "I say, John, do you know your boat leaks?" + +_Nephew_ (_high and dry on the thwarts_). "Like old boots!" + +_Uncle._ "But I---- What's to be done?" + +_Nephew._ "Wait till she fills, and then put on a spurt for the +shore!!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: MASTER JOHN BULL IN TROUBLE (1851) + +_Mr. Punch._ "Why, Johnny, what's the matter?" + +_Johnny._ "If you please, sir, there's a nasty ugly American been +beating me."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SERVING HIM OUT + +_Mrs. T._ (_to T._) "Feel a little more comfortable, dear? Can I get +anything else for you? Would you like your cigar case now? (_Aside._) +I'll teach him to go out to Greenwich and Richmond without me, and sit +up half the night at his club!"] + + * * * * * + +TO A COUPLE OF THAMES NAIADS + + Row, ladies, row! It will do you good: + Pleasant the stream under Cliefden Wood: + When our skiff with the river drops down again, + Glad you will be of some iced champagne. + O, a boat on the river is doubly dear + When you've nothing to do but adore and steer. + + Row, darlings, row! Whether stroke or bow + Is sweeter to look at, better to row, + Is a question that plagues not me, as I laze, + And on their graceful movement gaze. + 'Tis the happiest hour of the sultry year: + The swift oars twinkle; I smoke and steer. + + Row, beauties, row! 'Tis uncommon hot: + I _can_ row stroke, but I'd rather not. + As we meet the sunset's afterglow, + Two absolute angels seem to row; + Wingless they are, so of flight no fear-- + Home to dinner I mean to steer. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Father Thames_ (_to Henley Naiads_). "Don't be alarmed, +my dears. If he comes within our reach, I'll soon settle his business!" + + ["The G. W. R. Company must have known that their contemplated line + from Marlow to Henley would raise a storm of opposition against any + interference with the Thames at spots so sacred to all + oarsmen."--_Vide "A Correspondent" in "Times."_] + +] + + * * * * * + +ON THE RIVER + +(_Page from the Diary of a Sweet Girl Clubbist_) + +_Monday._--Very pleased I have been chosen for the boat. So glad to have +been taken before Amy and Blanche. I am sure I shall look better than +either of them. They needn't have been so disagreeable about it. Amy +asking for her racquet back, and Blanche refusing to lend me her cloak +with the feather trimmings. Fanny should make a first-rate stroke, and +Kate a model coach. + +_Tuesday._--We were to have practice to-day, but postponed it to decide +on our colours. Blouses are to be left optional, but we are all to wear +the same caps. We had a terrible fight over it. Fanny, Rose and I are +blonde, so naturally we want light blue. Henrietta is a brunette, and +(selfish thing!) stood out for yellow! However, we settled it amicably +at last by choosing--as a compromise--pink. Then I made a capital +suggestion, which pleased everybody immensely. Instead of caps we are to +wear picture-hats. + +_Wednesday._--Went out in our boat for the first time. Such a fight for +places! I managed to secure bow, which is a long way the best seat, as +you lead the procession. Everybody sees you first, and it is most +important that the crew should create a good impression. Henrietta +wanted the position, and said that her brother had told her that the +lightest girl should always be bow. I replied "quite right, and as I +had lighter hair than hers, and my eyes were blue and hers brown, of +course it should be me." Fanny and Rose agreed with me, and Kate (who +was annoyed at not being consulted enough) placed her five. Henrietta +was in such a rage! + +_Thursday._--We are in training! Think it rather nonsense. Why should we +give up _meringues_ and sponge-cakes? And as to cigarettes, that isn't +really a privation, as none of us really like them. A mile's run isn't +bad, but it wears out one's shoes terribly. Kate wanted us all to drink +stout, but we refused. We have compromised it by taking _fleur d'orange_ +mixed with soda-water instead. The Turkish bath is rather long, but you +can read a novel after the douche. Take it altogether, perhaps training +is rather fun. Still, I think it, as I have already said, nonsense, +especially in regard to sponge-cakes and _meringues_. + +_Friday._--Spent the whole of the morning in practising starts. +Everybody disagreeable--Kate absolutely rude. Fancy wanting me to put +down my parasol! And then Henrietta (spiteful creature!) declaring that +I didn't keep my eye on the steering (we have lost our coxswain--had to +pay a visit to some people in the country) because I _would_ look at the +people on the banks! And Kate backing her up! I was very angry indeed. +So I didn't come to practice in the afternoon, saying I had a bad +headache, and went instead to Flora's five o'clock tea. + +_Saturday._--The day of the race! Everybody in great spirits, and +looking their best. Even Henrietta was nice. Our picture-hats were +perfectly beautiful. Fanny came out with additional feathers, which +wasn't quite fair. But she said, as she was "stroke" she ought to be +different from the rest. And as it was too late to have the hat altered +we submitted. We started, and got on beautifully. I saw lots of people I +knew on the towing-path, and waved to them. And just because I dropped +hold of my oar as we got within ten yards of the winning-post they all +said it was _my_ fault we lost! Who ever heard the like? The crew are a +spiteful set of ugly frumps, and on my solemn word I won't row any more. +Yes, it's no use asking me, as I say I won't, and I will stick to it. +There! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE HYPNOTIC STEWARD + +(_Specially engaged for the Cross-Channel Service_) + +["Dr. Paul Farez asserts that he has found in hypnotism an absolutely +infallible remedy for sea-sickness and similar discomforts."--_Daily +Paper._] + +] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: YACHTING IN LITTLE + +Squeamish accepts Stunsel's invitation for a month's cruise in his +10-ton yawl. He suffers much. + +_Stunsel._ "Come, come, Squeamish, old fellow, cheer up! You'll be all +right in a week or so!!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SOLAR STUDIES IN THE HONEYMOON + +_She_ (_reading a scientific work_). "Isn't it wonderful, Charley dear, +that the sun is supposed to be millions of miles away!" + +_Charley Dear_ (_suffering from the heat_). "Millions of miles, darling? +Good thing for all of us that it isn't any nearer."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "'ERE'S YOUR WERRY GOOD 'ELTH, SIR!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "O WOMAN, IN OUR HOURS OF EASE!" + +"Poor soul, 'e do look lonely all by 'isself! Ain't you glad you've got +us with you, 'Enry?"] + + * * * * * + +HERE AND THERE + + If you were only here, George, + I think--in fact, I know, + We'd get a girl to steer, George, + And take a boat and row; + And, striking mighty bubbles + From each propulsive blade, + Forget that life had troubles + At ninety in the shade. + + We'd swing along together, + And cheerily defy + This toasting, roasting weather, + This sunshine of July. + Our feather might be dirty, + Our style might not be great; + But style for men of thirty + (And more) is out of date. + + You'd note with high elation-- + I think I see you now-- + The beaded perspiration + That gathered on your brow. + Oh, by that brow impearled, George, + And by that zephyr wet, + I vow in all the world, George, + There's nothing like a "sweat." + + To row as if it mattered, + Just think of what it means: + All cares and worries shattered + To silly smithereens. + To row on such a day, George, + And feel the sluggish brain, + Its cobwebs brushed away, George, + Clear for its work again! + + But you at Henley linger, + While I am at Bourne-End. + You will not stir a finger + To come and join your friend. + This much at least is clear, George: + We cannot row a pair + So long as I am here, George, + And you remain up there. + + * * * * * + +"PERILS OF THE DEEP."--_Unprotected Female_ (_awaking old Gent, who is +not very well_). "Oh, mister, would you find the captain? I'm sure we're +in danger! I've been watching the man at the wheel; he keeps turning it +round first one way and then the other, and evidently doesn't know his +own mind!!" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A HONEYMOON OUTING + +_Ernest_ (_faintly_). "Vera, darling, I do believe I'm the worst sailor +on earth!" + +_Vera_ (_ditto_). "I wouldn't mind _that_ so much, if _I_ wasn't so bad +on the water!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: VERY CONSIDERATE + +_Steward._ "Will either of you, gentlemen, dine on board? There's a +capital hot dinner at three o'clock."] + + * * * * * + +A QUIET DAY ON THE THAMES + +(_Dedicated to the Thames Conservancy_) + +9 A.M.--Got out my boat, and made immediately for the centre of the +stream. + +10 A.M.--Spent some three-quarters of an hour in attempting to avoid the +swell of the City steamboats. Within an ace of being swamped by one of +them. + +11 A.M.--Run into by a sailing-barge. Only saved by holding on to a +rope, and pushing my boat aground. + +12 NOON.--Aground. + +1 P.M.--After getting into deep water again, was immediately run into by +a coal-barge. Exchange of compliments with the crew thereof. + +2 P.M.--Pursued by swans and other savage birds. Pelted with stones +thrown from the shore by ragged urchins out of reach of my vengeance. + +3 P.M.--Amongst the fishing-punts. Lively communication of opinions by +the angry fishermen. Attempted piracy. + +4 P.M.--Busily engaged in extricating my boat from the weeds. + +5 P.M.--Disaster caused by a rope coming from the towing-path. + +6 P.M.--Lock-keeper not to be found. Daring and partially successful +attempt to shoot the rapids. + +7 P.M.--Run down by a steam-launch travelling at express-rate speed. + +8 P.M.--Just recovering from the effects of drowning. + +9 P.M.--Going home to bed! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "DROWSILY! DROWSILY!" + +_Energetic Male_ (_reclining_). "Now then, girls, work away! Nothing +like taking real exercise!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE CHANNEL QUESTION SOLVED (1873) + +OR, EVERY ONE HIS OWN BESSEMER!] + + * * * * * + +AT HENLEY AS IT IS + +(_By Isaac Walton Minimus_) + + There used to be buttercups once on these meads, + There used to be reeds by the bank, + But now these same meadows have not even weeds, + And the water's decidedly rank. + The pastures are crowded with mannerless shows, + And the river with refuse is blocked; + There isn't a corner for quiet repose, + While the nose is most constantly shocked! + The houseboats and tents may with rich colour glow, + And the course be more bright than before, + But there isn't the thought for the men who will row, + As there was in the brave days of yore! + How Willan and Warre and stout "Johnny" Moss + Must recurrence of past time re-wish, + And the sight be to them and to rowing a loss, + But _I_ only can think of the fish + Who are poisoned by garbage and bloated with food, + And oppressed with the bottles o'erthrown! + My sentiments, though by the many pooh-poohed, + By the few will be met with a moan! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _The Man in the Boat._ "I'm sorry, sir, but it was your +own fault. Why didn't you get out into mid-stream?" + +_The Victim._ "Why, that's just what I've done!"] + + * * * * * + +THE TOURIST'S BAROMETER + +(_Read on the Channel_) + +Splendid Weather. I never mind the sea myself. + The rougher for me the + better. Have a cigar? + +Very Fine. One certainly does feel that + only Englishmen can be + sailors. Somehow or other + they take naturally to the + sea--now, don't they? + +Fine. Yes. I always come by + Folkestone. I never _could_ + see the use of the _Castalia_. + We are not foreigners, you + know. Most of us have our + sea-legs. Eh? + +Moderate. Yes. Perhaps a little + brandy-and-water _would_ + be a good thing. + +Sea slight. The _very_ roughest passage + I remember. But I am + an excellent sailor. Still, + would you mind putting + out that cigar? + +Rather Rough. It's simply disgraceful. The + _Castalia_ ought to be established + by Act of Parliament. + Shall write to the _Times_. + I shall go down below--to + think about it! + +Rough Oh! Here, somebody! Will + it be more--than five + minutes? Oh! oh! oh! + +Very Rough. (_Far too dreadful for + description._) + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: EASTER RECREATIONS + +_Enthusiastic Skipper_ (_to friend_). "Ah, my boy! this is what you +wanted. In a short time you'll feel yourself a different man!"] + + * * * * * + +RIVERSIDE SUNDAY + + Unnumbered are the trees that fling + O'er Pangbourne Reach their shade, + Unnumbered there the birds that sing + Melodious serenade; + But as the leaves upon the boughs + Or feathers on the birds, + So are the trippers who carouse + Along the banks in herds. + + Punt, centre-board, launch, skiff, canoe, + Lunch-laden hither hie, + Each bearing her expectant crew + To veal and chicken-pie; + And from the woods around Hart's Lock + Reports ring loud and clear, + As trippers draw the festive hock + Or democratic beer. + + From one to three, below, above, + Is heard the crisp, clear crunch + Of salad, as gay Damons love + To linger over lunch. + From three to six a kettle sings + 'Neath every sheltering tree + As afternoon to Phyllis brings + The magic hour of tea. + + Well may the Cockney fly the Strand + For this remoter nest, + Where buses cease from rumbling and + The motors are at rest. + But would you shun your fellows--if + To quiet you incline-- + Oh, rather scull your shilling skiff + Upon the Serpentine. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: PRO BONO PUBLICO + +_Brown (passenger by the Glasgow steamer, 8.30 a.m.)._ "I beg pardon, +sir, but I think you've made a mistake. That is my tooth-brush!" + +_McGrubbie (ditto)._ "Ah beag years, mun, ah'm sure. Ah thoght 't +belanged to the sheip!!"] + + * * * * * + +NEW SAILING ORDERS + +(_To be in force on or after the next Ultimo instant_) + +_The Darkest Night._--Any man not knowing when the darkest night is will +be discharged. + +Inquiries can be made any day at the Admiralty from 10 till 4, excepting +from 1 till 2, when all hands are piped to luncheon. + +_The Rule of the Rowed_ at sea is similar to the rule of the sailed. + +No ship must come into collision with another. + +If two steamers are on the starboard tack, they must return to the +harbour and begin again. + +Any steamship likely to meet another steamship must reverse and go +somewhere else. + +Any admiral out after 12 o'clock will be locked up wherever he is. + +Nobody, however high in command, can be permitted to sit on a buoy out +at sea for the purpose of frightening vessels. + +All complaints to be made to the Admiralty, or to one of the mounted +sentries at the Horse Guards. + +[Illustration] + +An admiral is on duty all night to receive complaints. + +Every mounted marine on joining must bring his own fork, spoon and towel +horse. + +If two vessels are meeting end on, take one end off. The other loses and +forfeits sixpence. + +Any infringement or infraction of the above rules and regulations will +be reported by the head winds to the deputy toastmaster for the current +year at Colwell-Hatchney. + +N.B.--On hand a second-hand pair of gloves for boxing the compass. +Remember the 26th of December is near, when they may be wanted. The +equivalent of a chaplain-general to the forces has been appointed. He is +to be called chaplain-admiral to the fleet. The cockpits are being +turned into pulpits. If not ready by next Sunday he will deliver his +first sermon from the main-top gallant jibboom mizen. The Colney-Hatches +will be crowded. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: OUT OF IT + +The eldest Miss Blossom thinks that the part of double gooseberry is +rather monotonous.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: HOW LITTLE OUR DEAR ONES UNDERSTAND US + +_Madge._ "My dear George, there you've been sitting with your camera +since breakfast, and you haven't taken anything." + +_George (intent on his own feelings)._ "Don't ask me to, darling, I +couldn't touch it!"] + + * * * * * + +A REGATTA RHYME + +_On Board the "Athena," Henley-on-Thames_ + + I like, it is true, in a basswood canoe + To lounge, with a weed incandescent: + To paddle about, there is not a doubt, + I find it uncommonly pleasant! + I love the fresh air, the lunch here and there, + To see pretty toilettes and faces; + But one thing I hate--allow me to state-- + The fuss they make over the Races! + _I don't care a rap for the Races!_-- + _Mid all the Regatta embraces_-- + _I'm that sort of chap, I don't care a rap,_ + _A rap or a snap for the Races!_ + + I don't care, you know, a bit how they row, + Nor mind about smartness of feather; + If steering is bad, I'm not at all sad, + Nor care if they all swing together! + Oh why do they shout and make such a rout, + When one boat another one chases? + 'Tis really too hot to bawl, is it not? + Or bore oneself over the Races! + _I don't care a rap for the Races, &c., &c._ + + Then the Umpire's boat a nuisance we vote, + It interrupts calm contemplation; + Its discordant tone, and horrid steam moan, + Is death to serene meditation! + The roar of the crowd should not be allowed; + The gun with its fierce fulmination, + Abolish it, pray--'tis fatal, they say, + To pleasant and quiet flirtation! + _I don't care a rap for the Races, &c., &c._ + + If athletes must pant--I don't say they shan't-- + But give them some decent employment; + And let it be clear, they don't interfere + With other folks' quiet enjoyment! + When luncheon you're o'er, tis really a bore-- + And I think it a very hard case is-- + To have to look up, from _páté_ or cup, + And gaze on those tiresome Races! + _I don't care a rap for the Races, &c., &c._ + + The Races, to me, seem to strike a wrong key, + Mid dreamy delightful diversion; + There isn't much fun seeing men in the sun, + Who suffer from over-exertion! + In sweet idle days, when all love to laze, + Such violent work a disgrace is! + Let's hope we shall see, with me they'll agree, + And next year abolish the Races! + _I don't care a rap for the Races, &c., &c._ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: KNOW THYSELF! + +_Miss Featherweight._ "I tell you what, Alfred, if you took me for a row +in a thing like that I'd scream all the time. Why, he isn't more than +half out of the water!"] + + * * * * * + +HENLEY REGATTA + +_By Jingle Junior on the Jaunt_ + +All right -- here we are -- quite the waterman -- jolly -- young -- +white flannels -- straw hat -- canvas shoes -- umbrella -- mackintosh -- +provide against a rainy day! Finest reach for rowing in England -- best +regatta in the Eastern Hemisphere -- finest pic-nic in the world! +Gorgeous barges -- palatial houseboats -- superb steam-launches -- +skiffs -- randans -- punts -- wherries -- sailing-boats -- dinghies -- +canoes! Red Lion crammed from cellar to garret -- not a bed to be had in +the town -- comfortable trees all booked a fortnight in advance -- +well-aired meadows at a premium! Lion Gardens crammed with gay toilettes +-- Grand Stand like a flower-show -- band inspiriting -- church-bells +distracting -- sober grey old bridge crammed with carriages -- +towing-path blocked up with spectators -- meadows alive with pic-nic +parties! Flags flying everywhere -- music -- singers -- niggers -- +conjurers -- fortune-tellers! Brilliant liveries of rowing clubs -- red +-- blue -- yellow -- green -- purple -- black -- white -- all jumbled up +together -- rainbow gone mad -- kaleidoscope with _delirium tremens_. +Henley hospitality proverbial -- invitation to sixteen luncheons -- +accept 'em all -- go to none! Find myself at luncheon where I've not +been asked -- good plan -- others in reserve! Wet or fine -- rain or +shine -- must be at Henley! If fine, row about all day -- pretty girls +-- bright dresses -- gay sunshades. If wet, drop in at hospitable +houseboat just for a call -- delightful damsels -- mackintoshes -- +umbrellas! Houseboat like Ark -- all in couples -- Joan of Ark in corner +with Darby -- Who is she? -- Don't No-ah -- pun effect of cup. Luncheons +going on all day -- cups various continually circulating -- fine view -- +lots of fun -- delightful, very! People roaring -- rowists howling along +bank -- lot of young men with red oars in boat over-exerting themselves +-- lot more in boat with blue oars, also over-exerting themselves -- +bravo! -- pick her up! -- let her have it! -- well pulled -- everybody +gone raving mad! Bang! young men leave off over-exerting themselves -- +somebody says somebody has won something. Seems to have been a race +about something -- why can't they row quietly? Pass the claret-cup, +please -- Why do they want to interrupt our luncheon? -- Eh? + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "WHAT'S IN A NAME?" + +(A sketch at a regatta. A warning to "the cloth" when up the river)] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: CUPID AT SEA + +_Angelina (to Edwin, whose only chance is perfect tranquillity)._ +"Edwin, dear! If you love me, go down into the cabin, and fetch me my +scent bottle and another shawl to put over my feet!" + +[_Edwin's sensations are more easily imagined than described._ + +] + + * * * * * + +THE JOLLY YOUNG WATERMAIDS + + And have you not read of eight jolly young watermaids, + Lately at Cookham accustomed to ply + And feather their oars with a deal of dexterity, + Pleasing the critical masculine eye? + They swing so truly and pull so steadily, + Multitudes flock to the river-side readily;-- + It's not the eighth wonder that all the world's there, + But this watermaid eight, ne'er in want of a stare. + + What sights of white costumes! What ties and what hatbands, + "Leander cerise!" We don't wish to offend, + But are these first thoughts with the dashing young women + Who don't dash too much in a spurt off Bourne End? + Mere nonsense, of course! There's no "giggling and leering"-- + Complete ruination to rowing and steering;-- + "All eyes in the boat" is their coach's first care, + And "a spin of twelve miles" is as naught to the fair. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: GOOD RESOLUTIONS + +_Blenkinsop (on a friend's Yacht) soliloquises._ "I know one thing, if +ever I'm rich enough to keep a yacht, I shall spend the money in +horses."] + + * * * * * + +ECHOES FROM THE THAMES + +SCENE--_Houseboat in a good position._ TIME--_Evening during "the +Regatta week._" PRESENT (_on deck in cozy chairs_)--_He and She._ + +_She._ Very pretty, the lights, are they not? + +_He._ Perfectly charming. So nice after the heat. + +_She._ Yes, and really, everything has been delightful. + +_He._ Couldn't possibly be better. Wonderful how well it can be done. + +_She._ Yes. But, of course, it wants management. You know a lot comes +down from town. + +_He._ Will the stores send so far? + +_She._ Yes, and if they won't others will. And then the local +tradespeople are very obliging. + +_He._ But don't the servants rather kick at it? + +_She._ No, because they are comfortable enough. Put them up in the +neighbourhood. + +_He._ Ah, to be sure. And your brother looks after the cellar so well. + +_She._ Yes, he is quite a genius in that line. + +_He._ And it's awfully nice chatting all day. + +_She._ Yes, when one doesn't go to sleep. + +_He._ And, of course, we can fall back upon the circulating libraries +and the newspapers. + +_She._ And so much better than town. It must be absolutely ghastly in +Piccadilly. + +_He._ Yes, so I hear. And then there's the racing! + +_She._ Ah, to be sure. To tell the truth, I didn't notice that very +much. Was there any winning? + +_He._ Oh, yes, a lot. But I really quite forget what---- + +_She._ Oh, never mind. We can read all about it in to-morrow's papers, +and that will be better than bothering about it now. + + [_Scene closes in to soft music on the banjo._ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: AT HENLEY--"IPSE DIXIT" + +["For a mile and a half the river was covered with elegant craft, in +which youth was always at the prow and pleasure always at the +helm."--_Daily Paper._] + +] + + * * * * * + +"THE SAILORMAN'S MENOO" + +(_To a Shipowner. By a Shell-back_) + + It's mighty fine, yer talkin', but you never done no trips + In the bloomin' leaky foc'sle of yer leaky, rotten ships; + And though you gulls the public with a sham Menoo for _us_, + It isn't printed lies as makes provisions worth a cuss; + And even silly emigrants will tell you straight and true + That the test of grub is grubbin', not the advertised Menoo. + + I'm talkin' now, not beggin' for a chance to starve and work + In an undermanned old tanker with a skipper like a Turk; + With a cook as larnt 'is cookin' when 'e 'ad to cook or beg, + Or go into an 'orspital to nurse a cranky leg; + And what I says I means it, and my words is plain and true, + Which is more than any sailorman will say for yer Menoo. + + I'll allow that in the look of it, the print of it I mean, + That all you say is sarved to us; but is it good or clean? + And wot's wet 'ash, or porridge, or any other stuff, + When at the very best of it there's 'ardly 'arf enough? + Not even with the cockroaches that's given with the stew, + Though I notice they nor maggots wasn't down in yer Menoo. + + There's the tea and corfee talked of, but folks ashore ain't told + That the swine as bought it for you winked 'is eye at them as sold. + For sailormen's best Mocha was never further East + Than a bloomin' Essex bean-field; and the tea ain't tea--at least + It's on'y "finest sweepin's" from the docks, and wot a brew + It makes when sarved in buckets to drink to yer Menoo! + + The pork and beef on paper, or a tin dish, makes a show, + But you'd want yer front teeth sharpened if you tackled it, my bo'! + For the beef is still the ancient 'orse wot worked on Portland Pier, + And the pork is rotten reasty, that was inwoiced twice too dear + If they charged you 'arf a thick 'un for the whack you gives the crew, + With the pickles and the butter set out fine in yer Menoo. + + I'd like to take you jossers, as thinks as sailormen + Is a grumblin' lot of skulkers, just one trip and 'ome agen; + For when yer 'ands was achin' with sea cuts to the bone, + And the Baltic talked north-easters, you'd be alterin' of yer tone, + And might'nt think wot's wrote in print is necessary true, + And perhaps when you was safe agen you'd alter our Menoo. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A TRIAL OF FAITH + +_Bertie (at intervals)._ "I used to---- What the---- do a lot of---- +Conf---- rowing, one time!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: CRITICAL + +_Boatman (spelling)._ "P-s-y-c-h-e. Well, that's the rummest way I ever +see o' spellin' _fish_!"] + + * * * * * + +HENLEY REGATTA + +(_By Mr. Punch's Own Oarsman_) + +Sir,--This letter is private and is not intended for publication. I +particularly beg that you will note this, as on a former occasion some +remarks of mine, which were intended only for your private eye, were +printed. I of course accepted your assurance that no offence was meant, +and that the oversight was due to a person whose services had since the +occurrence been dispensed with; but I look to you to take care that it +shall not happen again. Otherwise the mutual confidence that should +always exist between an editor and his staff cannot possibly be +maintained, and I shall have to transfer my invaluable services to some +other paper. The notes and prognostications which I have laboriously +compiled with regard to the final results of the regatta will arrive by +the next post, and will, I flatter myself, be found to be +extraordinarily accurate, besides being written in that vivid and +picturesque style which has made my contributions famous throughout the +civilised world. + +There are one or two little matters about which I honestly desire to +have your opinion. You know perfectly well that I was by no means +anxious for the position of aquatic reporter. In vain I pointed out to +you that my experience of the river was entirely limited to an +occasional trip by steamboat from Charing Cross to Gravesend. You said +that was an amply sufficient qualification, and that no aquatic reporter +who respected himself and his readers, had ever so far degraded himself +as to row in a boat and to place his body in any of the absurd positions +which modern oarsmanship demands. Finding you were inexorable, and +knowing your ridiculously hasty temper, I consented finally to undertake +the arduous duties. These circumstances, however, make it essential that +you should give me advice when I require it. For obvious reasons I don't +much like to ask any of the rowing men here any questions. They are +mostly in what they call hard training, which means, I fancy, a +condition of high irritability. Their strokes may be long, but their +tempers are, I regret to say, painfully short. Besides, to be candid, I +don't wish to show the least trace of ignorance. My position demands +that I should be omniscient, and omniscient, to all outward appearance, +I shall remain. + +In the first place, what is a "lightship"? As I travelled down to Henley +I read in one of the newspapers that "practice for the Royal Regatta was +now in full swing, and that the river was dotted with lightships of +every description." I remember some years ago passing a very pleasant +half hour on board of a lightship moored in the neighbourhood of +Broadstairs. The rum was excellent. I looked forward with a lively +pleasure to repeating the experience at Henley. As soon as I arrived, +therefore, I put on my yachting cap (white, with a gold anchor +embroidered in front), hired a boat and a small boy, and directed him to +row me immediately to one of the lightships. I spent at least two hours +on the river in company with that boy--a very impudent little +fellow,--but owing no doubt to his stupidity, I failed to find a single +vessel which could be fairly described as a lightship. Finally the boy +said they had all been sunk in yesterday's great storm, and with that +inadequate explanation I was forced to content myself. But there is a +mystery about this. Please explain it. + +Secondly, I see placards and advertisements all over the place +announcing that "the Stewards Stand." Now this fairly beats me. Why +should the stewards stand? They are presumably men of a certain age, +some of them must be of a certain corpulence, and it seems to me a +refinement of cruelty that these faithful officials, of whom, I +believe, the respected Mayor of Henley is one, should be compelled to +refrain from seats during the whole of the Regatta. It may be necessary +for them to set an example of true British endurance to the crowds who +attend the Regatta, but in that case surely they ought to be paid for +the performance of their duties. + +Thirdly, I have heard a good deal of talk about the Visitors' Cup. Being +anxious to test its merits, I went to one of the principal hotels here, +and ordered the waiter to bring me a quart of Visitors' Cup, and to be +careful to ice it well. He seemed puzzled, but went away to execute my +orders. After an absence of ten minutes he returned, and informed me, +with the manager's compliments, that they could not provide me with what +I wanted, but that their champagne-cup was excellent. I gave the fellow +a look, and departed. Perhaps this is only another example of the +asinine and anserous dunderheadedness of these crass provincials. Kindly +reply, _by wire_, about all the three points I have mentioned. + +I have been here for a week, but have, as yet, not been fortunate enough +to see any crews. Indeed, I doubt if there are any here. A good many +maniacs disport themselves every day in rickety things which look +something like gigantic needles, and other people have been riding along +the bank, and, very naturally, abusing them loudly for their foolhardy +recklessness. But no amount of abuse causes them to desist. I have +puzzled my brains to know what it all means, but I confess I can't make +it out. I fancy I know a boat when I see one, and of course these +ridiculous affairs can't be boats. + +Be good enough to send me, by return, at least £100. It's a very +difficult and expensive thing to support the dignity of your paper in +this town. Whiskey is very dear, and a great deal goes a very short way. + + Yours sincerely, + + THE MAN AT THE OAR. + +_Henley-on-Thames, July 4._ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: AQUATICS--A COMFORTABLE RAN-DAN + +_Jolly Young Waterman._ "Holloa! Hi! Police! Back water, Jack! We've got +into a nest of swans, and they're a pitchin' into me!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE SERPENTINE + +(Gent thinks he is rowing to the admiration of everybody) + +_Small Boy._ "'Old 'ard, guv'n'r! And take me and my traps acrosst--will +yer?"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Fiend in human shape._ "Don't feel well! Try a cigar!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: Binks, who is the kindest creature possible, has +undertaken to fasten up the boat and bring along the siphons. +Unfortunately both sculls have gone, and his friends are out of +hearing.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: MOAN, HEARD ON A RAMSGATE BOAT + +"Why didn't we go by rail?"] + + * * * * * + +MAUNDERINGS AT MARLOW + +(_By Our Own Æsthetic Bard_) + + The lilies are languid, the aspens quiver, + The Sun-God shooteth his shafts of light, + The ripples are wroth with the restless river; + _And O for the wash of the weir at night_! + + The soul of the poet within him blenches + At thought of plunge in the water bright, + To witness the loves of the tender tenches: + _And O for the wash of the weir at night_! + + The throstle is wooing within the thicket, + The fair frog fainteth in love's affright; + The maiden is waiting to ope the wicket; + _And O for the wash of the weir at night_! + + The bargeman he knoweth where Marlow Bridge is. + To pies of puppy he doth invite; + The cow chews the cud on the pasture ridges; + _And O for the wash of the weir at night_! + + So far from the roar of the seething city, + The poet reposes much too quite, + He trills to the Thames in a dainty ditty; + _And O for the wash of the weir at night_! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Malicious Swell in the stern sheets_ (_to little party +on the weather quarter_). "Splendid breeze, isn't it, Gus?" + +_Gus_ (_who, you see, has let his cigar go out_). "Ye-es; but I say, +what's o'clock? Isn't it time to turn back?--What d'ye think?"] + + * * * * * + +FLITTINGS + +(_Per Ocean Bottle-post_) + + _In the South Atlantic, + Three miles off Land (perpendicularly). + Six Bells, Feb. 27, 1898._ + +DEAR MR. PUNCH,--Yeo-ho and ahoy! If this ever reaches you, it is to +tell you that the very good ship _Triton_ (this is within a cable's +length of her name) has been at sea for just a fortnight, bound for the +Cape on her second trip. She bears on board about a thousand souls all +told, five horses, a couple of cows, two or three parrots, of +third-class behaviour, and a few canaries, which have not as yet taken +berths inside the ship's cat. + +We left Southampton on an even keel, but there were plenty of French +rolls for breakfast next morning in the Bay of Biscay, so we were +ægrotat (_sic_) for the rest of the day in such seclusion as our cabin +granted. The next event of importance was Madeira. Here we had about +four hours in which to watch the natives (one of them a one-armed boy) +diving for our spare coppers, to breakfast on shore, to do the sights of +Funchal, to buy deck-chairs, if not whole drawing-room suites, of +wickerwork, to visit Santa Clara and the other suburban resorts, and, +most necessary of all, to ascend by the new mountain railway to the +church of Nossa Senhora de Monte, and then to descend two thousand feet +by _carro_, or toboggan over the cobble-stone pathway. It was a lot to +do, but we did it on our heads--especially the last-named athletic +performance. Our steersman, Manuel, certainly deserved his pint of +Madeira at the "Half-way House" for his agility and dexterity in taking +us down a decline of one in two, past corkscrew corners, and hordes of +beggars. + +English money seems to be quite the medium of currency at Funchal, and +English is spoken by the enterprising islanders while you wait (or until +your last shilling is spent). Even a tea-garden sort of place is +dignified by the name of "Earl's Court," to attract and solace the +homesick Londoner. Meanwhile, it was market-day on board the ship, and +great was the company of merchants with all kinds of wares. These are +bundled off neck and crop by 11 A.M., and we settled down to the serious +business of the voyage--the election of a Sports and Entertainment +Committee, the consumption of six meals a day, the daily sweepstakes and +auction on the run, the dissection of everybody's character, and the +other inevitable humours and incidents of an ocean trip. + +We fetched a compass, or whatever the nautical phrase is, round the +Canaries in a sea-fog, for fear of running up against Teneriffe, and +since then we haven't sighted land, nor seen a ship, or even a whale or +waterspout, nothing more exciting than a few coveys of flying-fish, and, +I think, half-a-dozen porpoises. At the moment of writing, however, I +see a solitary albatross, and lose no time in informing your readers of +the fact. We crossed the line without feeling the slightest bump. We +have passed through the tropics with only one hot night, and our feet, +like our thoughts, are now turning towards Fleet Street and home, as we +near the Antipodes. + +We have had the usual fancy-dress ball with some decidedly impromptu +costumes. One of a large theatrical company was quite unrecognisable as +Sheffield's Ape, taking the first prize, and has since been busy +restoring himself to human form. The captain's clerk appeared in a +series of quick-turn changes, such as a comic sailor or a deplorable old +lady; while the ship's doctor contributed an awe-inspiring impersonation +of Old Moore or somebody in the wizard profession. + +The sports and other entertainments have passed off without bloodshed. +Our captain, a breezy, jovial Irishman, received the ladies with open +arms at the finish of their fifty yards race, and the comedians who +performed in "Are you there?" and the other humorous items fully rose, +or tumbled, to the occasion, as the case might be. Take it all round, we +have had a particularly good time of it. Pleasant company and pleasant +weather. Out of reach of letters and telegrams, and face to face with +the ocean. + +We are now in the teeth of a strong south-easter, and the writing-room +is beginning to dance, I therefore hasten to catch the post. + + Yours, very much at sea, + X. Y. Z. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: ASSURING! + +_Passenger_ (_faintly_). "C'lect fares--'fore we get across! I thought +we----" + +_Mate._ "'Beg y'r pardon, sir, but our orders is, in bad weather, to be +partic'lar careful to collect fares; 'cause in a gale like this 'ere, +there's no knowing how soon we may all go to the bottom!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: ILLUSTRATED QUOTATIONS + +(_One so seldom finds an artist who realises the poetic conception_) + +"We have fed our sea for a thousand years."--_Kipling._] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A PRIMEVAL YACHT RACE + +Somehow or other, in those days, a breeze was more often forthcoming +when it was wanted, and the race did "occasionally" end in favour of the +challenger.] + + * * * * * + +ON VIEW AT HENLEY + +The most characteristic work of that important official, the clerk of +the weather. + +The young lady who has never been before, and wants to know the names of +the eights who compete for the Diamond Sculls. + +The enthusiastic boating man, who, however, prefers luncheon when the +hour arrives, to watching the most exciting race imaginable. + +The itinerant vendors of "coolers" and other delightful comestibles. + +The troupes of niggers selected and not quite select. + +The houseboat with decorations in odious taste, and company to match. + +The "perfect gentleman's rider" (from Paris) who remembers boating at +Asnières thirty years ago, when Jules wore when rowing lavender +kid-gloves and high top-boots. + +The calm mathematician (from Berlin), who would prefer to see the races +represented by an equation. + +The cute Yankee (from New York), who is quite sure that some of the +losing crews have been "got at" while training. + +The guaranteed enclosure, with band, lunch and company of the same +quality. + +The "very best view of the river" from a dozen points of the compass. + +Neglected maidens, bored matrons, and odd men out. + +Quite the prettiest toilettes in the world. + +The Thames Conservancy in many branches. + +Launches: steam, electric, accommodating and the reverse. + +Men in flannels who don't boat, and men in tweeds who do. + +A vast multitude residential, and a vaster come per rail from town. + +Three glorious days of excellent racing, at once national and unique. + +An aquatic festival, a pattern to the world. + +And before all and above all, a contest free from all chicanery, and the +very embodiment of fairplay. + + * * * * * + +The new lock at Teddington must be a patent one, as there is no quay. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: NOT THE FIRST TIME THEY DON'T AGREE TOGETHER + +_Wife._ "Isn't it jolly to think we have the whole day before us? The +boatman says we couldn't go home, even if we wanted to, till the tide +turns, and that's not for hours and hours yet. I've got all sorts of +lovely things for lunch too!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: BIS DAT QUI CITO DAT + +_Lock-keeper (handing ticket)._ "Threepence, please." + +_Little Jenkins._ "Not me: I've just paid that fellow back there." + +_Lock-keeper (drily)._ "'Im! Oh, that's the chap _who collects for the +Band_!"] + + * * * * * + +HINTS FOR HENLEY + +Flannels in moderation are pardonable, but they are slightly out of +place if you can't row and it rains. + +The cuisine of a houseboat is not always limitless, so "chance" visitors +are sometimes more numerous than welcome. + +The humours of burnt-cork minstrelsy must be tolerated during an aquatic +carnival, but it is as well to give street singers as wide a berth as +possible. + +In the selection of guests for, say, _The Pearl of the North Pole_, or +_The Hushaby Baby_, it is as well to learn that none of them are cuts +with the others, and all are prepared to accept "roughing it" as the +order of the day. + +Lanterns, music, and fireworks are extremely pretty things, but night +air on the river is sometimes an introduction to sciatica, rheumatism, +and chills. + +In the selection of a costume, a lady should remember that it is good to +be "smart," but better still to be well. + +Finally, it is desirable to bear in mind that, pleasant as riparian life +may be, Henley is, after all, a regatta, and that consequently some sort +of attention should be paid to the racing. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: GASTRONOMERS AFLOAT + +_Mrs. Fleshpottle._ "Well, I must say, Mrs. Gumblewag, I like something +substantial for _my_ dinner. Nothing, I think, can be better than some +pea-soup to begin with; then a biled leg of mutton with plenty of fat, +with turnips and caper sauce; then some tripe and onions, and one or two +nice suet dumplings as a finish!" + +_Mrs. Gumblewag._ "For my part, mum, I prefer something more tasty and +flavoursome-like. Now, a well-cooked bullock's heart, to be followed by +some liver and bacon, and a dish of greens. Afterwards a jam bolster, +and a black pudding, and some toasted cheese to top up with, is what I +call a dinner fit for a----" + + [_Mr. Doddlewig does not wait to hear any more!_ + +] + + * * * * * + +MORE HINTS FOR HENLEY + +(_For the use of Visitors, Male and Female_) + +Take an umbrella to keep off the rain--unopened. + +Beware of encouraging burnt-cork minstrels, or incurring their +resentment. + +Remember, it is not every houseboat that is sufficiently hospitable to +afford lunch. + +After all, a travel down from town in the train is better than the +discomforts of dawn on the river in a houseboat. + +Six hours of enforced company is a strong order for the best of friends, +sometimes leading to incipient enmity. + +A canoe for two is a pleasant distraction if the man is equal to keeping +from an upset in the water. + +Flirting is a not unpleasant accompaniment to an _alfresco_ lunch with +well-iced liquids. + +If you really wish to make a favourable impression upon everyone, be +cheery, contented, good-natured, and, above all, slightly interested in +the racing. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Enthusiastic Skipper._ "Aha! my boy! You can't do this +sort of thing on shore!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SQUALLY WEATHER--MAKING ALL "TAUT"] + + * * * * * + +FURTHER REGULATIONS FOR HENLEY + +(_Under the Consideration of the Thames Conservancy_) + +No piano playing shall be permitted on houseboats during the racing, so +that the attention of coxswains shall not be thereby distracted. + +To avoid a crowd collecting on the course, no craft shall be permitted +to leave the shores between the hours of 6 A.M. and 9 P.M. + +To preserve decorum, only lemonade and ginger-beer shall be drunk during +the illuminations, and fireworks shall henceforth be restricted to one +squib and a couple of crackers to each houseboat. + +Finally, recreation of every kind shall be discontinued, so that in +future the unpopularity of the County Council on land shall find its +reflection in the universal detestation in which the Thames Conservancy +shall be held by those living on the river. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: TRIALS OF A NOVICE + +_Extract from Diary._--"WEDNESDAY. Went for a spin or trip, or whatever +it's called, on Bowlines' new racing yacht. Felt very nervous when we +turned the corners; nearly fell overboard while I was trying to balance +the thing; thought we should have been drowned. B. said it was a wonder +we weren't--thanks to _me_! Had a few words with B. _Mem._--Never +again!" + + [_N.B.--B. says the same._ + +] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration] + +BRADBURY, AGNEW, & CO. LD., PRINTERS, LONDON AND TONBRIDGE. + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Mr Punch Afloat, edited by J. A. Hammerton + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 40320 *** |