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diff --git a/40320-8.txt b/40320-8.txt deleted file mode 100644 index 13b9083..0000000 --- a/40320-8.txt +++ /dev/null @@ -1,3990 +0,0 @@ -The Project Gutenberg EBook of Mr Punch Afloat, edited by J. A. Hammerton - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with -almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or -re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included -with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org/license - - -Title: Mr Punch Afloat - The Humours of Boating and Sailing - -Editor: J. A. Hammerton - -Illustrator: John Tenniel - -Release Date: July 24, 2012 [EBook #40320] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MR PUNCH AFLOAT *** - - - - -Produced by Neville Allen, Chris Curnow and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This -file was produced from images generously made available -by The Internet Archive) - - - - - -MR. PUNCH AFLOAT - -PUNCH LIBRARY OF HUMOUR - -Edited by J. A. HAMMERTON - -Designed to provide in a series of volumes, each complete in itself, the -cream of national humour, contributed by the masters of comic -draughtsmanship and the leading wits of the age to "Punch," from its -beginning in 1841 to the present day - -[Illustration] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: "MR. PUNCH AFLOAT"] - - * * * * * - -MR PUNCH AFLOAT - -THE HUMOURS OF BOATING AND SAILING - -[Illustration] - -AS PICTURED BY - -SIR JOHN TENNIEL, GEORGE DU MAURIER, JOHN LEECH, CHARLES KEENE, -PHIL MAY, L. RAVEN-HILL, LINLEY SAMBOURNE, G. D. ARMOUR, -A. S. BOYD, J. BERNARD PARTRIDGE, AND OTHERS. - -PUBLISHED BY ARRANGEMENT WITH THE PROPRIETORS OF "PUNCH" - -THE EDUCATIONAL BOOK CO. LTD. - - * * * * * - -THE PUNCH LIBRARY OF HUMOUR - -_Twenty-five volumes, crown 8vo. 192 pages -fully illustrated_ - - LIFE IN LONDON - COUNTRY LIFE - IN THE HIGHLANDS - SCOTTISH HUMOUR - IRISH HUMOUR - COCKNEY HUMOUR - IN SOCIETY - AFTER DINNER STORIES - IN BOHEMIA - AT THE PLAY - MR. PUNCH AT HOME - ON THE CONTINONG - RAILWAY BOOK - AT THE SEASIDE - MR. PUNCH AFLOAT - IN THE HUNTING FIELD - MR. PUNCH ON TOUR - WITH ROD AND GUN - MR. PUNCH AWHEEL - BOOK OF SPORTS - GOLF STORIES - IN WIG AND GOWN - ON THE WARPATH - BOOK OF LOVE - WITH THE CHILDREN - -[Illustration] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: MR. PUNCH AT THE HELM! - -(_By way of Introduction_) - -River and sea, with their teeming summer life as we know them in Great -Britain and around our coasts, have yielded a rich supply of subjects -for the pens and pencils of MR. PUNCH'S merry men. In Stevenson's famous -story of "The Merry Men," it is the cruel side of the sea that is -symbolised under that ironic description; but there is no touch of gall, -no sinister undertone, in the mirth of MR. PUNCH'S "merry men." - -It may be protested that in the pages of this little book, where we have -brought together for the first time all MR. PUNCH'S "happy thoughts" -about boating and sailing, the miseries of travel by sea and the -discomforts of holiday life on our inland waters are too much insisted -upon. But it is as much the function of the humorist as it is the -business of the philosopher to hold the mirror up to nature, and we are -persuaded that it is no distorted mirror in which MR. PUNCH shows us to -ourselves. - -After all, although as a nation we are proud to believe that Britannia -rules the waves, and to consider ourselves a sea-going people, for the -most of us our recollections of Channel passages and trips around our -coasts are inevitably associated with memories of _mal-de-mer_, and it -says much for our national good humour that we can turn even our -miseries into jest. - -Afloat or ashore, MR. PUNCH is never "at sea," and while his jokes have -always their point, that point is never barbed, as these pages -illustrative of the humours of boating and sailing--with MR. PUNCH at -the helm--may be left safely to bear witness. - -[Illustration] - - * * * * * - -MR. PUNCH AFLOAT - -'ARRY ON THE RIVER - -[Illustration] - - DEAR CHARLIE, - - 'Ot weather at last! Wot a bloomin' old slusher it's bin, - This season! But now it do look as though Summer was goin' to begin. - Up to now it's bin muck and no error, fit only for fishes and frogs, - And has not give a chap arf a chance like of sporting 'is 'oliday togs. - - Sech a sweet thing in mustard and pink, quite _reshershay_ I tell you, - old man. - Two quid's pooty stiff, but a buster and blow the expense is my plan; - With a stror 'at and _puggeree_, Charlie, low shoes and new mulberry - gloves. - If I didn't jest fetch our two gals, it's a pity;--and wasn't they - loves? - - We'd three chaps in the boat besides me,--jest a nice little party - of six, - But they didn't get arf a look in 'long o' me; they'd no form, them - two sticks. - If you'd seen me a settin' and steerin' with one o' the shes on each - side, - You'd a thought me a Turk in check ditters, and looked on your 'Arry - with pride. - - Wy, we see a swell boat with three ladies, sech rippers, in crewel - and buff, - (If _I_ pulled arf a 'our in their style it 'ud be a bit more than - enough) - Well, I tipped 'em a wink as we passed and sez, "Go it, my beauties, - well done!" - And, oh lor! if you'd twigged 'em blush up you'd a seen 'ow they - relished the fun. - - I'm dead filberts, my boy, on the river, it ain't to be beat for - a lark. - And the gals as goes boating, my pippin, is jest about "'Arry, - his mark." - If you want a good stare, you can always run into 'em--accident quite! - And they carn't charge yer nothink for looking, nor put you in quod - for the fright. - - 'Ow we chivied the couples a-spoonin', and bunnicked old fishermen's - swims, - And put in a Tommy Dodd Chorus to Methodys practisin' hymns! - Then we pic-nic'd at last on the lawn of a waterside willa. Oh, my! - When the swells see our bottles and bits, I've a notion some - language'll fly. - - It was on the Q. T., in a nook snugged away in a lot of old trees, - I sat on a bust of Apoller, with one of the gurls on my knees! - Cheek, eh? Well, the fam'ly was out, and the servants asleep, - I suppose; - For they didn't 'ear even our roar, when I chipped orf the - himage's nose. - - We'd soon emptied our three-gallon bottle, and Tommy he pulled a - bit wild, - And we blundered slap into a skiff, and wos jolly near drownding - a child. - Of course we bunked off in the scurry, and showed 'em a clean pair - o' legs, - Pullin' up at a waterside inn where we went in for fried 'am and - eggs. - - We kep that 'ere pub all-alive-oh, I tell yer, with song and with - chorus, - To the orful disgust of some prigs as wos progging two tables afore - us. - I do 'ate your hushabye sort-like, as puts on the fie-fie at noise. - 'Ow on earth can yer spree without shindy? It's jest wot a feller - enjoys. - - Quaker-meetings be jiggered, I say; if you're 'appy, my boy, give - it tongue. - I tell yer we roused 'em a few, coming 'ome, with the comics we sung. - Hencoring a prime 'un, I somehow forgot to steer straight, and - we fouled - The last 'eat of a race--such a lark! Oh, good lor', _'ow_ they - chi-iked and 'owled! - - There was honly one slight _country-tong_, Tommy Blogg, who's a bit - of a hass, - Tried to splash a smart pair of swell "spoons" by some willers we - 'appened to pass; - And the toff ketched the blade of Tom's scull, dragged 'im close, - and jest landed 'im _one_! - Arter which Master Tom nussed his eye up, and seemed rayther out of - the fun. - - Sez the toff, "You're the pests of the river, you cads!" Well, - I didn't reply, - 'Cos yer see before gals, it ain't nice when a feller naps one - in the eye; - But it's all bloomin' nonsense, my boy! If he'd only jest give - _me_ a look, - He'd a seen as _my_ form was O.K., as I fancy ain't easy mistook. - - Besides, I suppose as the river is free to all sorts, 'igh and low. - That I'm sweet on true swells you're aweer, but for stuck-ups I - don't care a blow. - We'd a rare rorty time of it, Charlie, and as for that younger gurl, - Carry, - I'll eat my old boots if she isn't dead-gone on - - Yours bloomingly, - - 'ARRY. - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: MAKING THE BEST OF IT] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: HINTS TO BEGINNERS - -In punting, a good strong pole is to be recommended to the beginner.] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: THE RETURN OF THE WANDERER - -_Custom House Officer_ (_to sufferer_). "Now, sir, will you kindly pick -out your luggage? It's got to be examined before you land."] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: OUR YACHTING EXPERIENCES - -_Old "Salt" at the helm._ "Rattlin' fine breeze, gen'lemen." _Chorus of -Yachtsmen_ (_faintly_). "Y--yes--d'lightful!"] - - * * * * * - -TO PYRRHA ON THE THAMES - -[Illustration] - - O Pyrrha! say what youth in "blazer" drest, - Woos you on pleasant Thames these summer eves; - For whom do you put on that dainty vest, - That sky-blue ribbon and those _gigot_ sleeves? - - "_Simplex munditiis_," as Horace wrote, - And yet, poor lad, he'll find that he is rash; - To-morrow you'll adorn some other boat, - And smile as kindly on another "mash." - - As for myself--I'm old, and look askance - At flannels and flirtation; not for me - Youth's idiotic rapture at a glance - From maiden eyes: although it comes from thee. - - * * * * * - -THE EXCURSION SEASON.--_First Passenger_ (_poetical_). "Doesn't the -sight o' the cerulean expanse of ocean, bearing on its bosom the -white-winged fleets of commerce, fill yer with----" - -_Second Ditto._ "Fi---- not a bit of it." (_Steamer takes a slight -lurch!_) "Quite the contrary!" - - [_Makes off abruptly!_ - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: "LIFE'S LITTLE IRONIES" - -(Cheerful passage in the life of a Whitsuntide Holiday maker)] - - * * * * * - -MY RIVERSIDE ADWENTUR - -(_A Trew Fact as appened at Great Marlow on Bank Olliday_) - -[Illustration] - - I was setting one day in the shade, - In the butifull month of August, - When I saw a most butifull maid - A packing of eggs in sum sawdust. - - The tears filled her butifull eyes, - And run down her butifull nose, - And I thort it was not werry wise - To let them thus spile her nice close. - - So I said to her, lowly and gently, - "Shall I elp you, O fair lovely gal?" - And she ansered, "O dear Mr. Bentley, - If you thinks as you can, why you shall." - - And her butifull eyes shone like dimans, - As britely each gleamed thro a tear, - And her smile it was jest like a dry man's - When he's quenching his thirst with sum beer. - - Why she called me at wunce Mr. Bentley, - I sort quite in wain to dishcover; - Or weather 'twas dun accidently, - Or if she took me for some other. - - I then set to work most discreetly, - And packed all the eggs with great care; - And I did it so nicely and neatly, - That I saw that my skill made her stare. - - So wen all my tarsk was quite ended, - She held out her two lilly hands, - And shook mine, and thank'd me, and wended - Her way from the river's brite sands. - - And from that day to this tho I've stayed, - I've entirely failed to diskever - The name of that brite dairy-maid - As broke thirteen eggs by the river. - - ROBERT. - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: LOCKS ON THE THAMES - -_Sculler._ "Just half a turn of the head, love, or we shall be among the -rushes!"] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: THE STEAMER - -Old Mr. Squeamish, who has been on deck for his wrapper, finds his -comfortable place occupied by a hairy mossoo!] - - * * * * * - -OTHERWISE ENGAGED! - -(_A Sentimental Fragment from Henley_) - -And so they sat in the boat and looked into one another's eyes, and -found much to read in them. They ignored the presence of the houseboats, -and scarcely remembered that there were such things as launches -propelled by steam or electricity. And they turned deaf ears to the -niggers, and did not want their fortunes told by dirty females of a -gipsy type. - -"This is very pleasant," said Edwin. - -"Isn't it?" replied Angelina; "and it's such a good place for seeing all -the events." - -"Admirable!" and they talked of other things; and the time sped on, and -the dark shadows grew, and still they talked, and talked, and talked. - -At length the lanterns on the river began to glow, and Henley put on its -best appearance, and broke out violently into fireworks. It was then -Mrs. Grundy spied them out. She had been on the look out for scandal all -day long, but could find none. This seemed a pleasant and promising -case. - -"So you are here!" she exclaimed. "Why, we thought you must have gone -long ago! And what do you say of the meeting?" - -"A most perfect success," said he. - -"And the company?" - -"Could not be more charming," was her reply. - -"And what did you think of the racing?" Then they looked at one another -and smiled. They spoke together, and observed:-- - -"Oh, we did not think of the racing!" - -And Mrs. Grundy was not altogether satisfied. - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: OVERHEARD ON AN ATLANTIC LINER - -_She_ (_on her first trip to Europe_). "I guess you like London?" - -_He._ "Why, yes. I guess I know most people in London. I was over there -last fall!"] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: "VIDE UT SUPRA" - -"The sad sea waves"] - - * * * * * - -LEST MEN FORGET; - -_Or, A Girl's best Friend is the River_ - - [This is to be a river season. Father Thames is an excellent - matchmaker.--_Lady's Pictorial._] - - Oh, what is a maid to do - When never a swain will woo; - When Viennese dresses - And eddying tresses - And eyes of a heavenly blue, - - Are treated with high disdain - By the cold and the careless swain, - When soft showered glances - At dinners and dances - Are sadly but truly vain? - - Ah, then, must a maid despair? - Ah, no, but betimes repair - With her magical tresses - And summery dresses - To upper Thames reaches, where - - She turns her wan cheek to the sun - (Of lesser swains she will none); - Her glorious flame, - Well skilled in the game, - Flings kisses that burn like fun - - And cheeks that had lost their charm - Grow rosy and soft and warm; - Eyes lately so dull - Of sun-light are full - As masculine hearts with alarm. - - For jealousy by degrees - Steals over the swain who sees - The cheek he was slighting - Another delighting, - And so he is brought to his knees. - - * * * * * - - [Illustration: AT THE UNIVERSITY BOAT-RACE - -_Extract from Miss X's letter to a friend in the country_:--"Mr. Robin -Blobbs offered to take us in his boat. Aunt accepted for Jenny, Fanny, -Ethel, little Mary, and myself. Oh, such a time! Mr. Blobbs lost his -head and his scull, and we were just rescued from upset by the police. -'Never again with you, Robin!'"] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration] - -THE AMATEUR YACHTSMAN - -(_A Nautical Song of the Period_) - - I'm bad when at sea, yet it's pleasant to me - To charter a yacht and go sailing, - But please understand I ne'er lose sight of land, - Though hardier sailors are railing. - If only the ship, that's the yacht, wouldn't dip, - And heel up and down and roll over, - And wobble about till I want to get out, - I'd think myself fairly in clover. - - But, bless you! my craft, though the wind is abaft, - Will stagger when meeting the ripple, - Until a man feels both his head and his heels - Reversed as if full of his tipple. - In vain my blue serge when from seas we emerge, - Though dressed as a nautical dandy; - I can't keep my legs, and I call out for "pegs" - Of rum, or of soda and brandy. - - A yacht is a thing, they say, fit for a king, - And still it is not to my liking; - My short pedigree does not smack of the sea,-- - I can't pose a bit like a viking. - It's all very well when there isn't a swell, - But when that comes on I must toddle - And go down below, for a bit of a blow - Upsets my un-nautical noddle. - - Britannia may rule her own waves,--I'm a fool - To try the same game, but, believe me, - Though catching it hot, yet to give up my "Yot" - Would certainly terribly grieve me. - You see, it's the rage, like the Amateur Stage, - Or Coaching, Lawn-Tennis, or Hunting: - So, though I'm so queer, I go yachting each year, - And hoist on the Solent my bunting. - - * * * * * - -A HENLEY TOAST.--"May rivals meet without any sculls being broken!" - - * * * * * - -OF COURSE!--The very place for a fowl--Henley! - - * * * * * - -THE JOURNAL WHICH EVIDENTLY KEEPS THE KEY OF THE RIVER.--The _Lock to -Lock Times_. - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: OF MALICE AFORETHOUGHT - -_Cheery Official._ "All first class 'ere, please?" - -_Degenerate Son of the Vikings_ (_in a feeble voice_). "_First class?_ -Now do I _look it_?"] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: "LIFE ON THE OCEAN WAVE" - -Next to the charming society, the best of the delightful trips on our -friend's yacht is, that you get such an admirable view of the coast -scenery, and you acquire such an excellent appetite for lunch.] - - * * * * * - -ROBERT ON THE RIVER - -[Illustration] - -It was ony a week or so ago as I was engaged perfeshnally on board a -steam Yot that had been hired for about as jolly a party as I ewer -remembers to have had on board a ship, and the Forreners among 'em had -ewidently been brort for to see what a reel lovely River the Tems is. I -must say I was glad to get away from Town, as I 'ad 'ad a shock from -seeing a something dreadful on an old showcard outside of the Upraw -which they tells me is now given up to Promenades. So we started from -Skindel's, at Madenhed Bridge, and took 'em right up to Gentlemanly -Marlow, and on to old Meddenham, and then to Henley, and lots of other -butiful places, and then back to Skindel's to dinner. And a jolly nice -little dinner they guv us, and sum werry good wine, as our most -critical gests--and we had two Corporation gents among 'em--couldn't -find not no fault with. But there's sum peeple as it ain't not of no use -to try to sattisfy with butiful seenery--at least, not if they bees -Amerrycains. They don't seem not to have the werry least hadmiration or -respect for anythink as isn't werry big, and prefur size to buty any day -of the week. - -"Well, it's a nice-looking little stream enuff," says an Amerrycain, who -was a board a grinnin; "but it's really quite a joke to call it a River. -Why, in my country," says he, "if you asked me for to show you a River, -I should take you to Mrs. Sippy's, and when we got about harf way across -it, I guess you'd see a reel River then, for it's so wide that you -carn't see the land on either side of it, so you sees nothink else but -the River, and as that's what you wanted for to see, you carn't werry -well grumble then." I shood, most suttenly, have liked for to have asked -him, what sort of Locks they had in sitch a River as that, and whether -Mrs. Sippy cort many wales when she went out for a day's fishing in that -little River of hers, but I knows my place, and never asks inconvenient -questions. - -However, he was a smart sort of feller, and had 'em I must say werry -nicely indeed a few minutes arterwards. We was a passing a werry butiful -bit of the river called a Back Water, and he says, says he, "As it's so -preshus hot in the sun, why don't we run in there and enjoy the shade -for a time, while we have our lunch?" "Oh," says one of the marsters of -the feast, "we are not allowed to go there; that's privet, that is." -"Why how can that be?" says he, "when you told me, just now, as you'd -lately got a Hact of Parliament passed which said that wherever Tems -Water flowed it was open to all the world, as of course it ort to be." -"Ah," said the other, looking rayther foolish, "but this is one of the -xceptions, for there's another claws in the hact as says that wherever -any body has had a hobstruction in the River for 20 years it belongs to -him for hever, but he musn't make another nowheres." - -The Amerrycain grinned as before, and said, "Well, I allers said as you -was about the rummiest lot of people on the face of the airth, and this -is on'y another proof of it. You are so werry fond of everythink as is -old, that if a man can show as he has had a cussed noosance for twenty -years, he may keep it coz he's had it so long, while all sensible peeple -must think, as that's one more reeson for sweeping the noosance clean -away." And I must say, tho he was a Amerrycane, that I coodn't help -thinking as he was right. - -It's estonishing what a remarkabel fine happy-tight a run on the butiful -Tems seems to give heverybody, and wot an adwantage we has in that -partickler respect over the poor Amerycans who gos for a trip on Mrs. -Sippy's big River, with the wind a bloing like great guns, and the waves -a dashing mountings hi. But on our butiful little steamer on our luvly -little river, altho the gests had most suttenly all brekfasted afore -they cum, why we hadn't started much about half-a-nour, afore three or -fore on 'em came creeping down into the tite little cabin and asking for -jest a cup of tea and a hegg or two, and a few shrimps; and, in less -than a nour arterwards, harf a duzzen more on 'em had jest a glass or -two of wine and a sandwich, and all a arsking that most important of all -questions on bord a Tems Yot, "What time do we lunch?" And by 2 a clock -sharp they was all seated at it, and pegging away at the Sammon and the -pidgin pie, het settera, as if they was harf-starved, and ewen arter -that, the butiful desert and the fine old Port Wine was left upon the -table, and I can troothfully state that the cabin was never wunce quite -empty till we was again doing full justice to Mr. Skindel's _maynoo_. - - ROBERT. - - * * * * * - -THE UNIVERSAL MOTTO AT HENLEY.--Open houseboat. - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: "EXEMPLI GRATIA" - -_Ancient Mariner_ (_to credulous yachtsman_). "A'miral Lord Nelson! -Bless yer, I knowed him; served under him. Many's the time I've as'ed -him for a bit o' 'bacco, as I might be a astin' o' you; and says he, -'Well, I ain't got no 'bacco,' jest as you might say to me; 'but here's -a shillin' for yer,' says he"!!] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: ABOVE BRIDGE BOAT AGROUND OFF CHISWICK - -_Gallant Member of the L.R.C._ "Can I put you ashore, mum?"] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: "IT'S AN ILL WIND," &c. - -_Rescuer._ "Hold on a bit! I may never get a chance like this again!"] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: HAPPY THOUGHT.--DAVID COX REDIVIVUS!] - - * * * * * - -BO'SEN JAMES AND THE GREAT SEA-SARPINT - -[Illustration] - - Three bold sailormen all went a-sailin' - Out into the Northern Sea, - And they steered Nor'-West by three quarters West - Till they came to Norwegee. - They was three bold men as ever you'd see, - And these was their Christian names: - There was Long-legged Bill and Curly Dick, - And the third was Bo'sen James;-- - And they went to catch the Great Sea-Sarpint, - Which they wished for to stop his games. - -[Illustration] - - Long-legged Bill was in the main-top a-watchin' - For Sea-Sarpints, starn and grim, - When through the lee-scupper bold Curly Dick peeped, - And he says, says he, "That's him!" - Then quick down the rattlins the long-legged 'un slid-- - Which pale as a shrimp was he-- - While Dick he rolled forrard into the cuddy, - Where Bo'sen James happened to be, - For James he was what you'd call the ship's cook, - And he was a-makin' the tea. - - Then says Curly Dick, says he, "Bless my peepers!" - (Which his words were not quite those) - "Here's the Great Sea-Sarpint a-comin' aboard, - With a wart upon his nose! - Which his head's as big as the jolly-boat, - And his mouth's as wide as the Thames, - And his mane's as long as the best bower cable, - And his eyes like blazin' flames-- - And he's comin' aboard right through the lee-scupper!" - "Belay there!" says Bo'sen James. - - Howsever, bold Bo'sen he went down to leeward, - While Curly Dick shook with funk; - And Long-legged Bill he hid in the caboose, - A-yellin' "We'll all be sunk!" - You might a'most heard a marlinspike drop - As Bo'sen James he looked out. - Then down through the scupper his head it went, - And there came a tremenjous shout, - "Sea-Sarpint be blowed, ye darned landlubbers! - Who's left this here mop hangin' out?" - -[Illustration] - - * * * * * - -A WORD TO THE Y.'S AT HENLEY.--Try again; you will be Yale-fellow, well -met! - - * * * * * - -HINTS FOR HENLEY - -(_At the Service of Visitors wishing to be comfortable_) - -Take care to be invited to the best situated houseboat. - -If you can, get permission to ask a few friends to join your host's -party at luncheon. - -Be sure to secure the pleasantest seat, the most amusing neighbour, and -all the periodicals. - -If you are conversationally inclined, monopolise the talk, and if you -are not, plead a headache for keeping every one silent. - -Mind that "No. 1" is your particular numerical distinction, and that the -happiness of the rest of the world is a negligible quantity. - -If you are a man, keep smoking cigars and sipping refreshing beverages -until it is time to eat and drink seriously; if you are of the other -sex, flirt, chatter, or sleep, as the impulse moves you. - -And when you are quite, _quite_ sure that you have nothing better to do, -give a glance to the racing! - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: HOPE DEFERRED - -_Jones_ (_who is not feeling very well_). "How long did you say it would -take us to get back?" - -_Boatman._ "'Bout 'n 'our an' a 'arf agin this tide."] - - * * * * * - -HOW TO ENJOY LIFE ON THE RIVER - -Get a houseboat and be sure that it is water-tight and free from rats -and other unpleasant visitors. - -Take care that your servants have no objection to roughing it, and can -turn their hands to anything usually supplied in town by the stores. - -Accustom yourself to food in tins and bottles, and learn to love insects -with or without wings. - -Acclimatise yourself to mists and fogs and rainy days, and grow -accustomed to reading papers four days old and the advertisements of -out-of-date railway guides. - -Try to love the pleasures of a regatta. Do not quarrel with the riparian -owners or the possessors of other houseboats. Enjoy the pleasantries of -masked musicians, and take an intelligent interest in the racing. -Illuminate freely, and do your best to avoid a fire or an explosion. And -if you have fireworks, don't sort them out with the light of a blazing -squib or some illuminant of a similar character. - -Be good, and mild and long-suffering. Rest satisfied with indifferently -cooked food, damp sheets, and wearisome companions. And make the best of -storms of rain and hurricanes of wind. In fact, bear everything, and -grin when you can't laugh. - -_Another and a better way._--Put up at a comfortable riparian hotel, and -when the weather is against you, run up to town and give a wide berth to -the Thames and its miseries. - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: A STORY WITHOUT WORDS Freddy's first day at Henley] - - * * * * * - -NAUTICAL MANOEUVRES - -(_Described by a Landlubber_) - -_Sailing in the Wind's Eye._--In order to accomplish this difficult -manoeuvre, you must first of all discover where the wind's eye is, and -then, if it be practicable, you may proceed to sail in it. It is -presumed for this purpose that the wind's eye is a "liquid" one. - -_Hugging the Shore._--When you desire to hug the shore, you first of all -must land on it. Then take some sand and shingle in your arms, and give -it a good hug. In doing this, however, be careful no one sees you, or -the result of the manoeuvre may be a strait-waistcoat. - -_Wearing a Ship._--This it is by no means an easy thing to do, and it is -difficult to suggest what will make it easier. Wearing a chignon is -preposterous enough, but when a man is told that he must wear a ship, he -would next expect to hear that he must eat the Monument. - -_Boxing the Compass._--Assume a fighting attitude, and hit the compass -a "smart stinger on the dial-plate," as the sporting papers call it. But -before you do so, you had best take care to have your boxing-gloves on, -or you may hurt your fingers. - -_Whistling for a Wind._--When you whistle for a wind, you should choose -an air appropriate, such as "_Blow, gentle gales_," or "_Winds, gently -whisper_." - -_Reefing the Lee-scuppers._--First get upon a reef, and then put your -lee-scuppers on it. The manoeuvre is so simple, that no more need be -said of it. - -_Splicing the Main-brace._--When your main-brace comes in pieces, get a -needle and thread and splice it. If it be your custom to wear a pair of -braces, you first must ascertain which of them _is_ your main one. - - * * * * * - -A DELICATE HINT.--_Brighton Boatman._ "There's a wessel out there, sir, -a labourin' a good deal, sir! Ah, sir, sailors works werry -'ard--precious 'ard lines it is for the poor fellers out -there!--Precious hard it is for everybody just now. I know _I_ should -like the price of a pint o' beer and a bit o' bacca!" - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: SCENE--A quiet nook, five miles off anywhere. Jones has -gone down to the punt to fetch up the luncheon-basket, and has dropped -it overboard. - -PUZZLE.--What to do--or say?--except----] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: "THE ANCHOR'S WEIGHED" - -(Sketched on an excursion steamer)] - - * * * * * - -WHAT NO ONE SHOULD FORGET, IN CROSSING THE CHANNEL - -To place his rugs, carpet-bags, and umbrellas on the six best seats on -the boat. - -To worry the captain with remarks about the state of the weather and the -performance of the steamer: to observe to the steward that there is a -change in the weather, and that there were more passengers the last time -he crossed. - -To speak to the man at the wheel, and ask him whether there was much sea -on last trip. - -To change his last half-crown into French money, and squabble with the -steward as to the rate of exchange. - -To stare at his neighbours, read aloud their names on their luggage, and -remark audibly that he'll lay anything the lady with the slight twang is -an American. - -To repeat the ancient joke on "Back her! stop her!" - -If the passage is rough, to put his feet on his neighbour's head, after -appropriating all the cushions in the cabin. - -To call for crockery in time. N.B.--Most important. - -To groan furiously for an hour and a half, if a sufferer; or, if utterly -callous to waves and their commotions, to eat beef and ham, and drink -porter and brandy-and-water, during the entire voyage, with as much -clattering of forks and noise of mastication as is compatible with -enjoyment. - -To kiss his hand, on entering the harbour, to the _matelottes_ on the -quays, or send his love in bad French to the Prefect of Police. - -To struggle for a front place, in crowding off the steamer, as if the -ship was on fire. And finally-- - -To answer every one who addresses him in good English in the worst -possible French. - - * * * * * - -"What with the horse-boats," said Mrs. Ramsbotham, "the steam-lunches, -the condolers, the out-ragers, the Canadian caboose, and the banyans, we -had the greatest difficulty, at Henley, in getting from one side of the -river to the other." - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: HOUSEBOAT AT THE ANCIENT HENLEIAN GAMES] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: THE "CENTIPEDE" - -A new flexible, patent-jointed, vertebral outrigger. (Seen--and -drawn--by our artist (the festive one), after an unusually scrumptious -lunch on board a houseboat at Henley).] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: THE INFLUENCE OF PLACES - -_Egeria._ "Surely, Mr. Swinson, it must have been here, and on such a -day as this, that you wrote those lines that end-- - -"'Give me the white-maned steeds to ride, -The Arabs of the main'----wasn't it?" - -_Mr. Swinson_ (_faintly_). "N-no. Reading party--half-way up -Matterhorn!"] - - * * * * * - -THE SILVER TEMS! - - The butiful River's a-running to Town, - It never runs up, but allers runs down, - Weather it rains, or weather it snos; - And where it all cums from, noboddy nose. - - The young swell Boatmen drest in white, - To their Mothers' arts must be a delite; - At roein or skullin the gals is sutch dabs, - For they makes no Fowls and they ketches no Crabs. - - The payshent hangler sets in a punt, - Willee ketch kold? I hopes as he wunt. - I wotches him long, witch I states is fax, - He dont ketch nothin but Ticklebacks. - - The prudent Ferryman sets under cover, - Waiting to take me from one shore to t'other; - I calls out "Hover!" and hover he roes, - If he aint sober then hover we goes. - - When it's poring with rane and a tempest a-blowin, - A penny don't seem mutch for this here rowin; - And wen the River's as ruff as the Sea, - I thinks of the two I'd sooner be me. - - For when I'm at work at Ampton or Lea, - Waitin at dinner, or waitin at tea, - I gits as much from a yewthful Pair - As he gits in a day for all that there. - - Then let me bless my lucky Star - That made me a Waiter and not a Tar; - And the werry nex time I've a glass of old Sherry, - I'll drink to the pore chap as roes that 'ere Ferry. - - ROBERT. - - * * * * * - -VERY LOW FORM ON THE PART OF FATHER THAMES. - -_Boy_ (_standing in mid-stream at Kew, to boating party_). "'Ere ye are! -Tow ye up to Richmond Lock! All by water, sir!" - - * * * * * - -PUNCH'S NAVAL SONGSTER - -It is a well-known fact that the songs of Dibdin had a wonderful effect -on the courage of the Navy, and there is no doubt that the Ben Blocks, -Ben Backstays, Tom Tackles, and Tom Bowlings, were, poetically speaking, -the fathers of our Nelsons, our Howes, our St. Vincents, and our -Codringtons. It will be the effort of _Punch's Naval Songster_ to do for -the Thames what Dibdin did for the Sea, and to inspire with courage -those honest-hearted fellows who man the steamers on the river. If we -can infuse a little spirit into them--which, by the bye, they greatly -want--our aim will be fully answered. - -[Illustration] - -NO. I.--IT BLEW GREAT GUNS - - It blew great guns when Sammy Snooks - Mounted the rolling paddles; - He met the mate with fearful looks-- - They shook each other's daddles. - The word was given to let go, - The funnel gave a screamer, - The stoker whistled from below, - And off she goes, blow high, blow low, - The _Atalanta_ steamer. - - His native Hungerford he leaves, - His Poll of Pedlar's Acre, - Who now ashore in silence grieves - Because he did not take her. - There's a collision fore and aft; - Against the pier they squeeze her. - "Up boys, and save the precious craft, - We from the station shall be chaff'd-- - Ho--back her--stop her--ease her." - - Aha! the gallant vessel rights, - She goes just where they want her; - She nears at last the Lambeth lights, - The trim-built _Atalantar_. - Sam Snooks his messmates calls around; - He speaks of Poll and beauty: - When suddenly a grating sound - Tells them the vessel's run aground - While they forgot their duty. - -NO. II.--BEN BOUNCE. - - My name's Ben Bounce, d'ye see, - A tar from top to toe, sirs. - I'm merry, blithe and free, - A marling-spike I know, sirs. - In friendship or in love, - I climb the top-sail's pinnacle, - But in a storm I always prove - My heart's abaft the binnacle. - - I fear no foreign foe, - But cruise about the river; - As up and down I go - My timbers never shiver. - When off life's end I get, - I'll make no useless rumpus; - But off my steam I'll let, - And box my mortal compass. - -NO. III.--THE CAPTAIN'S ROUNDELAY. - - Away, away, we gaily glide - Far from the wooden pier; - And down into the gushing tide - We drop the sailor's tear. - On--with the strong and hissing steam, - And seize the pliant wheel; - Of days gone by I fondly dream, - For oh! the tar _must_ feel! - - Quick, let the sturdy painter go, - And put the helm a-port; - Lay, lay the lofty funnel low, - And keep the rigging taut. - 'Tis true, my tongue decision shows, - I act the captain's part; - But oh! there's none on board that knows - The captain's aching heart. - - Upon the paddle-box all day - I've stood, and brav'd the gale, - While the light vessel made her way - Without a bit of sail. - And as upon its onward flight - The steamer cut the wave, - My crew I've order'd left and right, - My stout--my few--my brave! - -NO. IV.--TO MARY. - - Afloat, ashore, ahead, astern, - With winds propitious or contrary. - (I do not spin an idle yarn.) - No--no, belay! I love thee, Mary. - Amidships--on the Bentinck shrouds, - Athwart the hawse, astride the mizen, - Watching at night the fleecy clouds, - Your Harry wishes you were his'n. - - Then let us heave the nuptial lead, - In Hymen's port our anchors weighing; - Thy face shall be the figure-head - Our ship shall always be displaying. - But when old age shall bid us luff, - Our honest tack will never vary, - But I'll continue Harry Bluff, - And thou my little light-built Mary. - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: CUMULATIVE! - -_Tourist_ (_on Scotch steamer_). "I say, steward, how do you expect -anybody to dry their hands on this towel? It's as wet as if it had been -dipped in the sea!" - -_Steward._ "Aweel--depped or no depped, there's a hundred fouk hae used -the toowl, and ye're the furrst that's grummelt!"] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: The Margate excursion boat arrives at 2.30 P.M., after a -rather boisterous passage. - -_Ticket Collector_ (_without any feeling_). "Ticket, sir! Thankye, sir! -Boat returns at 3!"] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: _Mothers Pet._ "Oh, there's ma on the beach, looking at -us, Alfred; let's make the boat lean over tremendously on one side!"] - - * * * * * - -WATER-PARTIES - -(_By Mr. Punch's Vagrant_) - - Take four pretty girls - And four tidy young men; - Add papa and mamma, - And your number is ten. - - Having ten in your party - You'll mostly be eight, - For you'll find you can count - Upon two to be late. - - In the packing of hampers - 'Tis voted a fault - To be rashly forgetful - Of corkscrew and salt. - - Take a mayonnaised lobster, - A tasty terrine, - A salmon, some lamb - And a gay galantine. - - Take fizz for the lads, - Claret-cup for the popsies, - And some tartlets with jam - So attractive to woppses. - - Let the men do the rowing, - And all acquire blisters; - While the boats go zigzag, - Being steered by their sisters. - - Then eat and pack up - And return as you came. - Though your comfort was _nil_, - You had fun all the same. - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: THOSE BROWNS AND THEIR LUMINOUS PAINT AGAIN] - - * * * * * - -"SIC TRANSIT----" - -Just starting down Southampton Water in jolly old Bigheart's yacht, _The -Collarbone_--or _Columbine_? I wonder which it is? Dear old Bigheart, -the best fellow in the world, and enthusiastic about yachting. So am I -(theoretically, and whilst in smooth water). Try to act as nautically as -possible, and ask skipper at frequent intervals "How does she bear?" -Don't know what it means; but, after all, what _does_ that matter? -Skipper stares at me rather helplessly, and mutters something about -"Nothe-nor-east-by-sou-sou-west." Feel that, with this lucid -explanation, I ought to be satisfied, so turn away, assume cheery aspect -and with a rolling gait seize the topsail-main-gaff-mizen sheet and pull -it lustily, with a "Yo, heave ho!" - -The pull, unfortunately, releases heavy block, which, falling on -Bigheart's head, seems to quite annoy him for the minute. We plunge into -Solent, and then bear away for West Channel. Skipper remarks that we -shall make a long "retch" of it (_absit omen_). He then adds that we -could "bring up"--why these unpleasantly suggestive nautical -expressions?--off Yarmouth. Not wishing to appear ignorant, I ask -Bigheart, "Why not make a course S.S. by E.?" He replies, "Because it -would take us ashore into the R. V. Yacht Club garden," and I retire -somewhat abashed. - -Out in West Channel we get into what skipper calls "a bit of a bobble." -Don't think I care quite so much for yachting in "bobbles." Bigheart -shows me all the varied beauties of the coast, but now they fail to -interest me. He says, "I say, we'll keep sailing until quite late this -evening, eh? That'll be jolly!" Reply, "Yes, that'll be jolly," but -somehow my voice lacks heartiness. - -An hour later I was lying down--I felt tired--when Bigheart came up, and -with a ring of joy in his manly tones exclaimed, "I tell you what, old -man; we'll carry right on, now, through the night. We're not in a hurry, -so we'll get as much sailing as we can." ... Then, with my last ounce of -failing strength, I sat up and denounced him as an assassin. - -After passing a night indescribable, lying on the shelf--I mean berth--I -was put ashore at Portland next morning. Should like to have procured -dear old Bigheart a government appointment there for seven years, as a -due reward for what he had been making me suffer. - - * * * * * - -SUITABLE SONG FOR BOATING MEN.--The last _rows_ of summer. - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: SAD RESULTS OF PERSISTENT BRIDGE PLAYING AT SEA - -_Owner._ "I'll 'eave it to you, partner!"] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: _Mr. Dibbles_ (_at Balham_). "Ah, the old Channel Tunnel -scheme knocked on the head at last! Good job too! Mad-headed -project--beastly unpatriotic too!"] - -[Illustration: _Mr. Dibbles_ (_en route for Paris. Sea choppy_.) -"Channel Tunnel not a bad idea. Entire journey to Paris by train. Grand -scheme! English people backward in these kind of things. Steward!" - - [_Goes below._ - -] - - * * * * * - -MY YOT - -(_A Confidential Carol, by a Cockney Owner, who inwardly feels that he -is not exactly "in it," after all_) - - What makes me deem I'm of Viking blood - (Though a wee bit queer when the pace grows hot), - A briny slip of the British brood? - My Yot! - - What makes me rig me in curious guise? - Like a kind of a sort of--I don't know what, - And talk sea-slang, to the world's surprise? - My Yot! - - What makes me settle my innermost soul - On winning a purposeless silver pot, - And walk with a (very much) nautical roll? - My Yot! - - What makes me learned in cutters and yawls, - And time-allowance--which others must tot--, - And awfully nervous in sudden squalls? - My Yot! - - What makes me sprawl on the deck all day, - And at night play "Nap" till I lose a lot, - And grub in a catch-who-can sort of a way? - My Yot! - - What makes me qualmish, timorous, pale, - (Though rather than own it I'd just be shot) - When the _Fay_ in the wave-crests dips her sail? - My Yot! - - What makes me "patter" to skipper and crew - In a kibosh style that a child might spot, - And tug hard ropes till my knuckles go blue? - My Yot! - - What makes me snooze in a narrow, close bunk, - Till the cramp my limbs doth twist and knot, - And brave discomfort, and face blue-funk? - My Yot! - - What makes me gammon my chummiest friends - To "try the fun"--which I know's all rot-- - And earn the dead-cut in which all this ends? - My Yot! - - What makes me, in short, an egregious ass, - A bore, a butt, who, not caring a jot - For the sea, as a sea-king am seeking to pass? - My Yot! - - * * * * * - -AT WHITBY.--_Visitor_ (_to Ancient Mariner, who has been relating his -experiences to crowd of admirers_). "Then do you mean to tell us that -you actually reached the North Pole?" - -_Ancient Mariner._ "No, sir; that would be a perwersion of the truth. -But I seed it a-stickin' up among the ice just as plain as you can this -spar, which I plants in the sand. It makes me thirsty to think of that -marvellous sight, we being as it were parched wi' cold." - - [_A. M.'s distress promptly relieved by audience._ - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: THE DANGERS OF HENLEY - -_Voice from the bridge above._ "Oh, lor, Sarah, I've bin and dropped the -strawberries and cream!"] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: _His Fair Companion_ (_drowsily_). "I think a Canadian is -the best river craft, after all, as it's less like _work_ than the -others!"] - - * * * * * - - -THE RULE OF THE RIVER - -(_As Deduced from a late Collision_) The rule of the river's a -mystery quite, Other craft when you're steering among, If you starboard -your helm, you ain't sure you are right, If you port, you may prove to -be wrong. - - * * * * * - -"THE USUAL CHANNEL" - - To what snug refuge do I fly - When glass is low, and billows high, - And goodness knows what fate is nigh?-- - My Cabin! - - Who soothes me when in sickness' grip, - Brings a consolatory "nip," - And earns my blessing, and his tip?-- - The Steward! - - When persons blessed with fancy rich - Declare "she" does not roll, or pitch. - What say--"The case is hardly sich"?-- - My Senses! - - What makes me long for _real_ Free Trade, - When no Douaniers could invade. - Nor keys, when wanted, be mislaid?-- - My Luggage! - - What force myself, perhaps another, - To think (such thoughts we try to smother) - "The donkey-engine is our brother"?-- - Our Feelings! - - And what, besides a wobbling funnel, - Screw-throb, oil-smell, unstable gunwale, - Converts me to a Channel Tunnel?-- - My Crossing! - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: 'ARRY CATCHES A CRAB] - - * * * * * - -AT GORING - - Where is the sweetest river reach, - With nooks well worth exploring, - Wild woods of bramble, thorn and beech - Their fragrant breath outpouring? - Where does our dear secluded stream - Most gaily gleam? - At Goring. - - Where sings the thrush amid the fern? - Where trills the lark upsoaring? - Where build the timid coot and hern, - The foot of man ignoring? - Where sits secure the water vole - Beside her hole? - At Goring. - - Where do the stars dramatic shine - 'Mid satellites adoring? - And where does fashion lunch and dine - _Al fresco_, bored and boring? - Where do we meet confections sweet - And toilets neat? - At Goring. - - Where are regattas? Where are trains - Their noisy crowds outpouring? - And bands discoursing hackneyed strains, - And rockets skyward soaring? - Where is this _urbs in rure_?--where - This Cockney Fair? - At Goring. - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: NOTES FROM COWES - -"Call this pleasure? Well, all I say is, give me Staines and a -fishing-punt!"] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration] - -NICE NIGHT AT SEA - -(_Extracts from the Travel Diary of Toby, M.P._) - -_Gulf of Lyons, Friday._--The casual traveller on Continental railways, -especially in France, is familiar with the official attitude towards the -hapless wayfarer. The leading idea is to make the journey as difficult -and as uncomfortable as possible. The plan is based on treatment of -parcels or baggage. The passenger is bundled about, shunted, locked up -in waiting-rooms, and finally delivered in a limp state at whatever hour -and whatsoever place may suit the convenience of the railway people. -Discover the same spirit dominant in management and arrangements of the -sea service. Steamer from Marseilles to Tunis advertised to sail to-day -at noon. On taking tickets, ordered to be on board at ten o'clock. - -Why two hours before starting? Gentleman behind counter shrugs his -shoulders, hugs his ribs with his elbows, holds out his hands with -deprecatory gesture and repeats, "_Ą dix heures, Monsieur_." - -Gestures even more eloquent than speech. Plainly mean that unless we are -alongside punctually at ten o'clock our blood, or rather our passage, -will be on our own heads. Spoils a morning; might have gone about town -till eleven o'clock; breakfasted at leisure; sauntered on board a few -minutes before noon. However, when in Marseilles chant the -"_Marseillaise_." - -Down punctually at ten; found boat in course of loading; decks full of -dirt and noise, the shouting of men, the creaking of the winch, the -rattling of the chains. Best thing to do is to find our cabin, stow away -our baggage, and walk on the quay, always keeping our eye on the boat -lest she should suddenly slip her moorings and get off to sea without -us. Look out for steward. Like the Spanish fleet, steward is not yet in -sight. Roaming about below, come upon an elderly lady, with a lame leg, -an alarming squint, and a waist like a ship's. (Never saw a ship's -waist, but fancy no mortal man could get his arm round it.) The elderly -lady, who displayed signs of asthma, tells me she is the stewardess. Ask -her where is our cabin. "_Voilą_," she says. Following the direction of -her glance, I make for a berth close by. Discover I had not made -allowance for the squint; she is really looking in another direction. -Carefully taking my bearings by this new light, I make for another -passage; find it blocked up; stewardess explains that they are loading -the ship--apparently through the floor of our cabin. "_Tout ą l'heure_," -she says, with comprehensive wave of the hand. - -Nothing to be done but leave our baggage lying about, go on deck, and -watch the loading. Better not leave the ship. If the laborious Frenchmen -in blouses and perspiration see our trunks, they will certainly pop them -into the hold, where all kinds of miscellaneous parcels, cases and bales -are being chucked without the slightest attempt at fitting in. - -A quarter to twelve; only fifteen minutes now; getting hungry; had -coffee and bread and butter early so as not to miss the boat. Watch a -man below in the hold trying to fit in a bicycle with a -four-hundredweight bale, a quarter-ton case, and a barrel of cement. -Evidently piqued at resistance offered by the apparently frail, -defenceless contrivance. Tries to bend the fore wheel so as to -accommodate the cask; that failing, endeavours to wind the hind wheel -round the case; failing in both efforts, he just lays the bicycle loose -on the top of the miscellaneous baggage and the hatch is battened down. -In the dead unhappy night that followed, when the sea was on the deck, I -often thought of the bicycle cavorting to and fro over the serrated -ridge of the cargo. - -Ten minutes to twelve; a savoury smell from the cook's galley. Suppose -_déjeuner_ will be served as soon as we leave the dock. Heard a good -deal of superiority of French cooking aboard ship as compared with -British. Some compensation after all for getting up early, swallowing -cup of coffee and bread and butter, and rushing off to catch at ten -o'clock a ship that sails at noon. Perhaps the cloth is laid now; better -go and secure places. Find saloon. Captain and officers at breakfast, -their faces illumined with the ecstasy born to a Frenchman when he finds -an escargot on his plate. - -Evidently they are breakfasting in good time so as to take charge of the -ship whilst _nous autres_ succeed to the pleasures of the table. What's -our hour, I wonder? Find some one who looks like a steward; ask him; -says, "_Cinq heures et demie_." A little late that for breakfast, I -diffidently suggest. Explains not breakfast but dinner; first meal at -5.30 P.M. Can't we have _déjeuner_ if I pay for it? I ask, -ostentatiously shaking handful of coppers in trousers-pocket. No, he -says, severely; that's against the _rčglement_. - -Steamer starts in seven minutes; noticed at dock-gates women with -baskets of dubious food; dash off to buy some; clutch at a plate of -sandwiches, alleged to be compacted of _jambon de York_. Get back just -as gangway is drawn up. Sit on deck and munch our sandwiches. "I know -that Ham," said Sark, moodily. "It came out of the Ark." - -Recommitted it to the waves, giving it the bearings for Ararat. Ate the -bread and wished half-past five or Blucher would come. - - * * * * * - -A lovely day in Marseilles; not a breath of wind stirred the blue water -that laved the white cliffs on which Chāteau d'If stands. Shall have a -lovely passage. Make ourselves comfortable on deck with cushions and -books. Scarcely outside the harbour when a wind sprang up from S.E. dead -ahead of us. The sea rose with amazing rapidity; banks of leaden-hued -clouds obscured the sun-light; then the rain swished down; saloon deck -cleared; passengers congregated under shelter in the saloon; as the -cranky little steamer rolled and pitched, the place emptied. When at -5.30 the dinner-bell rang, only six took their places, and all declined -soup. With the darkness the storm rose. If the ship could have made up -its mind either to roll or to pitch, it could have been endured. It had -an agonising habit of leaping up with apparent intent to pitch, and, -changing its mind, rolling over, groaning in every plank. Every third -minute the nose of the ship being under water, and the stern clear out, -the screw leaped full half-length in the air, sending forth -blood-curdling sounds. Midway came a fearsome crash of crockery, the -sound reverberating above the roar of the wind, and the thud of the -water falling by tons on the deck, making the ship quiver like a spurred -horse. - -"I begin to understand now," said Sark, "how the walls of Jericho fell." - -Much trouble with the Generalissimo. When he came aboard at Marseilles -he suffused the ship with pleasing sense of the military supremacy of -Great Britain. Has seen more than seventy summers, but still walks with -sprightly step and head erect. The long droop of his carefully-curled -iron-grey moustache is of itself sufficient to excite terror in the -bosom of the foe. The Generalissimo has not the word retreat in his -vocabulary. He was one of the six who to-night sat at the dinner-table -and deftly caught scraps of meat and vegetable as the plates flew past. -But after dinner he collapsed. Thought he had retired to his berth; -towards nine o'clock a faint voice from the far end of the cabin led to -discovery of him prone on the floor, where he had been flung from one of -the benches. We got him up, replaced him tenderly on the bench, making a -sort of barricade on the offside with bolsters. A quarter of an hour -later the ship gave a terrible lurch to leeward; the screw hoarsely -shrieked; another batch of crockery crashed down; above the uproar, a -faint voice was heard moaning, "Oh, dear! Oh, dear!" - -We looked at the bench where we had laid the Generalissimo, his martial -cloak around him. Lo! he was not. - -Guided by former experience, we found him under the table. Evidently no -use propping him up. So with the cushions we made a bed on the floor, -and the old warrior securely slept, soothed by the swish of the water -that crossed and recrossed the cabin floor as the ship rolled to leeward -or to starboard. - -When the Generalissimo came aboard at Marseilles, surveying the -fortifications of the harbour as if he intended storming them, his -accent suggested that if not of foreign birth, he had lived long in -continental courts and camps. Odd to note how, as his physical -depression grew, an Irish accent softened his speech, till at length he -murmured of misery in the mellifluous brogue of County Cork. - -Pretty to see the steward when the flood in the saloon got half a foot -deep ladle it out with a dustpan. - -_Tunis, Monday_, 1 A.M.--Just limped in here with deck cargo washed -overboard, bulwarks stove in, engine broken down, an awesome list to -port, galley so clean swept the cook doesn't know it, the cabins -flooded, and scarce a whole bit of crockery in the pantry. Twenty-one -hours late; not bad on a thirty-six-hours' voyage. - -Captain comforts us with assurance that having crossed the Mediterranean -man and boy for forty years, he never went through such a storm. Have -been at sea a bit myself; only once, coasting in a small steamer off -Japan, have I seen--or, since it was in the main pitch dark, -felt--anything like it. Generalissimo turned up at dinner last night, -his moustache a little draggled, but his port once more martial. His -chief lament is, that going down to his berth yesterday morning, having -spent Friday night in the security of the saloon floor, he found his -boots full of water. This brings out chorus of heartrending experience. -Every cabin flooded; boxes and portmanteaus floating about. Sark and I -spent a more or less cosy night in the saloon. To us entered -occasionally one of the crew ostentatiously girt with a life-belt. Few -incidents so soothing on such a night. Fortunately, we did not hear -till entering port how in the terror of the night two conscripts, bound -for Bizerta, jumped overboard and were seen no more. - -"If this is the way they usually get to Tunis," says Sark, "I hope the -French will keep it all to themselves. In this particular case, there is -more in the Markiss's 'graceful concession' than meets the eye." - - * * * * * - -RIVER GAMBLING.--"Punting," says the _Daily News_, "has become a very -fashionable form of amusement on the Upper Thames." So it is at Monte -Carlo. Punting is given up by all who find themselves in hopelessly low -water. - - * * * * * - -LIVE WHILE YOU MAY.--_Timid Passenger_ (_as the gale freshened_). "Is -there any danger?" _Tar_ (_ominously_). "Well, them as likes a good -dinner had better hev it to-day!" - - * * * * * - -SATISFACTORY.--We are glad to be able to report that the gentleman who -one day last week, while walking on the bank of the Thames near Henley, -fell in with a friend, is doing well. His companion is also progressing -favourably. - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: TOO SOLID - -_Skipper._ "Did ye got the proveesions Angus?" - -_Angus._ "Ay, ay! A half loaf, an' fouer bottles o' whiskey." - -_Skipper._ "An' what in the woarld will ye be doin' wi' aal that -bread?"] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: RESIGNATION - -_Sympathetic Old Gentleman._ "I'm sorry to see your husband suffer so, -ma'am. He seems very----" - -_Lady Passenger_ (_faintly_). "Oh dear! He isn't my husband. 'Sure I -don't know who the ge'tleman is!"] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: A FLIGHT OF FANCY - -_Visitor._ "Good morning: tide's very high this morning, eh?" - -_Ancient Mariner._ "Ar, if the sea was all _beer_, there wouldn' be no -bloomin' 'igh tides!"] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: A QUESTION OF HOSPITALITY AT HENLEY - -"Unbidden guests are often welcomest when they are -gone."--_Shakespeare._] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: A DELICIOUS SAIL--OFF DOVER - -_Old Lady._ "Goodness gracious, Mr. Boatman! What's that?" - -_Stolid Boatman._ "That, mum! Nuthun, mum. Only the Artillery a -prac-_ti_-sin', and that's one o' the cannon balls what's just struck -the water!!"] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: POOR HUMANITY! - -_Bride._ "I think--George, dear--I should--be better--if we walked -about----" - -_Husband_ (_one wouldn't have believed it of him_). "You can do as you -like, love. I'm very well (!) as I am!!"] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: _Intelligent Foreigner._ "I am afraid zey are not much -use, zeze grand works of yours at Dovaire. Vot can zey do against our -submarines?--our leetle Gustave Zźde? Ah, ze submarine e' is mos -terrible, an' ze crews also--ze matelots--zey are 'eroes! Vy, every time -zey go on board of him zey say goodbye to zer vives an' families!"] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: A TRYING MOMENT - -_Doris._ "Oh, Jack, here come those Sellerby girls! Do show them how -beautifully you can punt."] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: THE HEIGHT OF IMPROPRIETY - -_Miss Grundison, Junior._ "There goes Lucy Holroyd, all alone in a boat -with young Snipson, as usual! So imprudent of them!" - -_Her Elder Sister._ "Yes; how shocking if they were upset and -drowned--without a chaperon, you know!"] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: LOCAL OPTION - -_Captain of Clyde steamer_ (_to stoker, as they sighted their port_). -"Slack awee, Donal', slack awee"--(_he was interested in the liquors -sold_)--"they're drencken haurd yenoo!!"] - - * * * * * - -'ARRY ON A 'OUSE-BOAT - -[Illustration] - - Dear Charlie,--It's 'ot, and no error! - Summer on us, at last, with a bust; - Ninety odd in the shade as I write, I've a 'ed, and a thunderin' - thust. - Can't go on the trot at this tempryture, though I'm on 'oliday - still; - So I'll pull out my _eskrytor_, Charlie, and give you a touch of - my quill. - - If you find as my fist runs to size, set it down to that quill, - dear old pal; - Correspondents is on to me lately, complains as I write like a gal. - Sixteen words to the page, and slopscrawly, all dashes and blobs. - Well, it's true; - But a quill and big sprawl is the fashion, so wot is a feller to do? - - Didn't spot you at 'Enley, old oyster--I did 'ope you'd shove in - your oar. - We 'ad a rare barney, I tell you, although a bit spiled by the pour. - - 'Ad a invite to 'Opkins's 'ouse-boat, prime pitch, and swell party, - yer know, - Pooty girls, first-class lotion, and music. I tell yer we did let - things go. - - Who sez 'Enley ain't up to old form, that Society gives it the slip? - Wish you could 'ave seen us--and heard us--old boy, when aboard of - our ship. - Peonies and poppies ain't in it for colour with our little lot, - And with larfter and banjos permiskus we managed to mix it up 'ot. - - My blazer was claret and mustard, my "stror" was a rainbow gone - wrong! - I ain't one who's ashamed of his colours, but likes 'em mixed - midd-lingish strong. - 'Emmy 'Opkins, the fluffy-'aired daughter, a dab at a punt or canoe, - Said I looked like a garden of dahlias, and showed up her neat - navy blue. - -[Illustration] - - Fair mashed on yours truly, Miss Emmy; but that's only jest by the - way, - 'Arry ain't one to brag of _bong jour tunes_; but wot I wos wanting - to say - Is about this here "spiling the River" which snarlers set down to - our sort. - Bosh! Charlie, extreme Tommy rot! It's these sniffers as want to - spile sport. - - Want things all to theirselves, these old jossers, and all on the - strictest Q. T. - Their idea of the Thames being "spiled" by the smallest suggestion - of spree, - Wy, it's right down rediklus, old pal, gives a feller the dithreums - it do. - I mean going for them a rare bat, and I'm game to wire in till - all's blue. - - Who are they, these stuckuppy snipsters, as jaw about quiet and - peace, - Who would silence the gay "constant-screamer" and line the Thames - banks with perlice; - Who sneer about "'Arry at 'Enley," and sniff about "cads on the - course," - As though it meant "Satan in Eden"? I'll 'owl at sich oafs till - I'm 'oarse! - - Scrap o' sandwich-greased paper 'll shock 'em, a ginger-beer - bottle or "Bass," - Wot 'appens to drop 'mong the lilies, or gets chucked aside on - the grass, - Makes 'em gasp like a frog in a frying-pan. Br-r-r-r! Wot old - mivvies they are! - Got nerves like a cobweb, I reckon, a smart banjo-twang makes - 'em jar. - - I'm toffy, you know, and no flies, Charlie; swim with the swells, - and all that, - But _I_'m blowed if this bunkum don't make me inclined to turn - Radical rat. - "Riparian rights," too! Oh scissors! They'd block the backwaters - and broads, - Because me and my pals likes a lark! Serve 'em right if old Burns - busts their 'oards! - - Rum blokes, these here Sosherlist spouters! There's Dannel the - Dosser, old chap, - As you've 'eard me elude to afore. Fair stone-broker, not wuth - 'arf a rap-- - Knows it's all Cooper's ducks with _him_, Charlie; won't run to - a pint o' four 'arf, - And yet he will slate me like sugar, and give me cold beans with - his charf. - - Sez Dannel--and dash his darned cheek, Charlie!--"Monkeys like - you"--meaning _Me_!-- - "Give the latter-day Mammon his chance. Your idea of a lark or - a spree - Is all Noise, Noodle-Nonsense, and Nastiness! Dives, who wants - an excuse - For exclusiveness, finds it in _you_, you contemptible - coarse-cackling goose! - - "Riparian rights? That's the patter of Ahab to Naboth, of course; - But 'tis pickles like you make it plausible, louts such as you give - it force. - You make sweet Thames reaches Gehennas, the fair Norfolk Broads - you befoul; - You--_you_, who'd make Beulah a hell with your blatant Bank - Holiday howl! - - "Decent property-owners abhor you; you spread your coarse feasts - on their lawns, - And 'Arry's a hog when he feeds, and an ugly Yahoo when he yawns; - You litter, and ravage, and cock-sky; you romp like a satyr obscene, - And the noise of you rises to heaven till earth might blush red - through her green. - - "You are moneyed, sometimes, and well-tailored; but come you from - Oxford or Bow, - You're a flaring offence when you lounge, and a blundering pest when - you row; - Your 'monkeyings' mar every pageant, your shindyings spoil - every sport, - And there isn't an Eden on earth but's destroyed when it's - 'Arry's resort. - - "Then monopolist Mammon may chuckle, Riparian Ahabs rejoice; - There's excuse in your Caliban aspect, your hoarse and ear-torturing - voice, - You pitiful Cockney-born Cloten, you slum-bred Silenus, 'tis you - Spoil the silver-streamed Thames for Pan-lovers, and all the - nymph-worshipping crew!" - - I've "reported" as near as no matter! I don't hunderstand more - than arf - Of his patter; he's preciously given to potry and classical charf. - But the cheek on it, Charlie! A Stone-broke! I _should_ like to give - him wot for, - Only Dannel the Dosser's a dab orf of whom 'tain't so easy to score. - - But it's time that this bunkum was bunnicked, bin fur too much on - it of late-- - Us on 'Opkins's 'ouse-boat, I tell yer, cared nix for the - ink-spiller's "slate." - _I_ mean doin' them Broads later on, for free fishing and shooting, - that's flat. - If I don't give them dash'd Norfolk Dumplings a doing, I'll eat my - old 'at. - - Rooral quiet, and rest, and refinement? Oh, let 'em go home and - eat coke. - These fussy old footlers whose 'air stands on hend at a row-de-dow - joke, - The song of the skylark sounds pooty, but "skylarking" song's - better fun, - And you carn't do the rooral to-rights on a tract and a tuppenny bun. - - As to colour, and kick-up, and sing-song, our party was fair to - the front; - But we wosn't alone; lots of toppers, in 'ouse-boat, or four-oar, - or punt, - Wos a doin' the rorty and rosy as lively as 'Opkins's lot, - Ah! the swells sling it out pooty thick; _they_ ain't stashed by no - ink-spiller's rot. - - Bright blazers, and twingle-twang banjoes, and bottles of Bass, - my dear boy, - Lots of dashing, and splashing, and "mashing" are things every man - must enjoy, - And the petticoats ain't fur behind 'em, you bet. While top-ropes - I can carry, - It ain't soap-board slop about "Quiet" will put the clear kibosh - on 'Arry. - - * * * * * - -"JAM" NON "SATIS." - -(_A Lay of Medmenham, by a Broken-hearted Boating Man landing from the -Thames, who was informed that, by the rules of the Hotel, visitors were -not allowed jam with their tea if served in the garden._) - - There's a river hotel that is known very well, - From the turmoil of London withdrawn, - Between Henley and Staines, where this strange rule obtains-- - That you must not have jam on the lawn. - - In the coffee-room still you may eat what you will, - Such as chicken, beef, mutton, or brawn, - Jam and marmalade too, but, whatever you do, - Don't attempt to eat jam on the lawn. - - Young Jones and his bride sought the cool river side, - And she said, as she skipped like a fawn, - "As it _is_, it is nice, but 'twould be paradise, - Could we only have jam on the lawn!" - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: THE THAMES - -(Development of the houseboat system)] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: "DOWN IN THE DEEP" - -Fun at Henley Regatta. Bertie attempts to extricate his punt from the -crowd.] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: "I say, you girls, we shall be over in a second, and if -you can't swim better than you punt, I'm afraid I shan't be able to save -both of you!"] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: A PLEDGED M.P. (1869). - -_M.P.'s Bride._ "Oh! William, dear--if you are--a Liberal--do bring in a -Bill--next Session--for that underground tunnel!!"] - - * * * * * - -THE YACHTING SEASON - -(_Examination for a Master's Certificate_) - -1. Can you dance a hornpipe? If so, which? (_Vivā voce._) If dancing -unaccompanied by fiddle, whistle the first eight bars of College -Hornpipe. Also, dance the three first figures of the hornpipe, -announcing the distinctive name of each beforehand. - -2. Explain the terms "Ahoy!" "Avast!" "Belay!" Whence derived? Also of -"Splice my main-brace." Is "main-brace" a part of rigging, or of -sailor's costume? Which? If neither, what? Is "Lubber" a term of -opprobrium or of endearment? State varieties of "Lubber." Give -derivations of the terms "Bum-boat woman," "Marlin' spike," "Son of a -sea-cook," "Dash my lee-scuppers!" "Pipe your eye," "Tip us your -grapplin' iron." - -3. How many mates may a sea captain legally possess at any one time? - -4. Is "sextant" the feminine of "sexton"? - -5. How often do "the red magnetic pole" and "the blue pole" require -repainting? At whose expense is the operation performed? - -6. Are only Royal Academicians eligible as "painters" on board? - -7. Is it the duty of the surgeon on board ship to attend the "heeling"? - -8. In case the needles of the compass get out of order, will pins do as -well? - -9. At what time in the day, whether previous or subsequent to dinner, is -it necessary to "allow for deviations"? - -10. Draw a picture of "Three Belles." Give classic illustration from the -story of Paris. - -11. What rule is there as to showing lights on nearing Liverpool? - -12. When in doubt, would you consult "the visible horizon," "the -sensible horizon," or "the rational horizon"? Give reason for your -selection. - -13. Can sailors ever trust "the artificial horizon"? If so, under what -circumstances? - -14. Is "Azimuth" an idol, or something to eat? - -15. Would "mean time" always refer to lowering wages or diminishing -rations? - -16. Presuming you know all about the "complement of an arc," explain -that of Noah's. - -17. Who was "Parallax"? Give a brief sketch of his career. - -18. Give example of "meridian altitude of a celestial object," by -drawing a picture of the Chinese giant who was over here some time ago. - -19. Give history of "the Poles." Who was Kosciusko? Is this spelling of -his name correct? - -20. "Civil time." Illustrate this term from English history. - -21. Can a "first mate's ordinary certificate" be granted by Doctors' -Commons or the Archbishop of Canterbury? - -(_On these questions being satisfactorily answered, the next Examination -Paper will be issued._) - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: THAMES TRAGEDIES - -Jones says there is only one _really_ safe way of changing places in a -skiff!] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: DE GUSTIBUS, ETC. - -_Philosophical Sea-faring Party_ (_who manages our friend's yacht_). -"Well, ladies and genelmen, I s'pose this is what _you_ calls -_pleasure_, and comes all the way from London for?" - - [_Brown, the funny man, with the eye-glass, thinks it an _Idyachtic_ kind - of pleasure, but is actually too far gone to say so._ - -] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: "Nice piece o' biled mutton, sir?"] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration] - -I'M AFLOAT - -(_Mr. Punch in the Ocean on the broad of his back, singeth_) - - I'm afloat, I'm afloat, what matters it where? - So the devils don't know my address, I don't care. - Of London I'm sick, I've come down to the sea, - And let who will make up next week's number for me! - At my lodgings, I know, I'm done frightfully brown, - And e'en lobsters and shrimps cost me more than in town; - I've B. flats in my bed, and my landlady stern, - Says from London I've brought 'em to give her a turn. - Yet I'm happier far in my dear seaside home, - Than the Queen on Dee side, or Art-traveller in Rome; - A Cab-horse at grass would be nothing to me, - - On the broad of my back floating free, floating free! - On the broad of my back floating free, floating free! - Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! ha! - Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! ha! - - With the lodging-house-keepers all day on the bite, - And the insects I spoke of as hungry at night, - With the organs "_Dog-traying_" and "_Bobbing Around_," - And extra-size Crinolines sweeping the ground, - You may think _Mr. Punch_ might be apt to complain - That the seaside's but Regent Street over again: - But from devils and copy and proof-sheets set free, - I've a week to do nothing but bathe in the sea. - In steamers and yachts I've been rocked on its breast, - And didn't much like it, it must be confessed; - But a cosy machine and shoal water give me, - And there let me float--let me float and be free! - Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! ha! - Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! ha! - (1858) - - * * * * * - -THAMES WEATHER - - Come, George, give your clubs and your Haskells a rest, man: - You can't spend the whole of your lifetime in golf; - If it pleases your pride I'll admit you're the best man - That ever wore scarlet or teed a ball off; - I'll allow they can't match you in swinging or driving, - That your shots are as long as they always are true, - And I'll grant that what others effect after striving - For years on the green comes by nature to you. - -[Illustration] - - But the sun's in the sky, and the leaves are a-shiver - With a soft bit of breeze that is cool to the brow; - And I seem to remember a jolly old river - Which is smiling all over--I think you know how. - There are whispers of welcome from rushes and sedge there, - There's a blaze of laburnum and lilac and may; - There are lawns of close grass sloping down to the edge there; - You can lie there and lounge there and dream there to-day. - - There are great spreading chestnuts all ranged in their arches - With their pinnacled blossoms so pink and so white; - There are rugged old oaks, there are tender young larches, - There are willows, cool willows, to chequer the light. - Each tree seems to ask you to come and be shaded-- - It's a way they all have, these adorable trees-- - And the leaves all invite you to float down unaided - In your broad-bottomed punt and to rest at your ease. - - And then, when we're tired of the _dolce far niente_, - We'll remember our skill in the grandest of sports, - Imagine we're back at the great age of twenty, - And change our long clothes for a zephyr and shorts. - And so, with a zest that no time can diminish, - We will sit in our boat and get forward and dare, - As we grip the beginning and hold out the finish, - To smite the Thames furrows afloat in a pair. - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: AQUATICS--WHEN THE BEES ARE SWARMING] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: PREHISTORIC PEEPS - -It is quite a mistake to suppose that Henley Regatta was not anticipated -in earliest times.] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration] - -ON THE RIVER - - I sat in a punt at Twickenham, - I've sat at Hampton Wick in 'em. - I hate sea boats, I'm sick in 'em-- - The man, I, Tom, and Dick in 'em. - Oh, gentles! I've been pickin 'em. - For bait, the man's been stickin 'em - (Cruel!) on hooks with kick in 'em - The small fish have been lickin 'em. - And when the hook was quick in 'em, - I with my rod was nickin 'em, - Up in the air was flickin 'em. - My feet so cold, kept kickin 'em. - We'd hampers, with _aspic_ in 'em, - Sandwiches made of chicken, 'em - We ate, we'd stone jars thick, in 'em - Good liquor; we pic-nic-ing 'em - Sat: till our necks a rick in 'em - We turned again t'wards Twickenham. - And paid our punts, for tickin 'em - They don't quite see at Twickenham. - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: THE ART OF CONVERSATION - -_British Tourist_ (_to fellow-passenger, in mid-Channel_). "Going -across, I suppose?" - -_Fellow-Passenger._ "Yaas. Are you?"] - - * * * * * - -THE CHANNEL BAROMETER - -_Very fair._--Really delightful. Nothing could be pleasanter. Sunshine. -Ozone. Does everyone a world of good. Would not miss such a passage for -worlds. - -_Fair._--Yes; it is decidedly an improvement upon a railway carriage. -Room to move about. I don't in the least mind the eighty odd minutes. If -cold, you can put on a wrap, and there you are. - -_Change._--Always thought there was something to be said in favour of -the Channel Tunnel. Of course, one likes to be patriotic, but the -movement in a choppy sea is the reverse of invigorating. - -_Wind._--There should be a notice when a bad passage is expected. It's -all very well to describe this as "moderate," but that doesn't prevent -the beastly waves from running mountains high. - -_Stormy._--It is simply disgraceful. Would not have come if I had known. -Too depressed to say anything. Where is the steward? - -_Gale._--Why--was--I--ever--born? - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: EUPHEMISM - -_Man in Boat._ "Come along, old chap, and let's pull up to Marlow." - -_Man on Shore._ "I think I'll get you to excuse me, old man. I don't -like sculling--it--er--hurts the back of my head so!"] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: A CRISIS - -_His Better and Stouter Half._ "Oh, Charley, if we're upset, you mean to -say you expect me to get into _this_?" - -[_Horror-stricken husband has no answer ready._ - -] - - * * * * * - -LOVE ON THE OCEAN - - They met, 'twas in a storm, - On the deck of a steamer; - She spoke in language warm, - Like a sentimental dreamer. - - He spoke--at least he tried; - His position he altered; - Then turn'd his face aside, - And his deep-ton'd voice falter'd. - - She gazed upon the wave, - Sublime she declared it; - But no reply he gave-- - He could not have dared it. - - A breeze came from the south, - Across the billows sweeping; - His heart was in his mouth, - And out he thought 'twas leaping. - - "O, then, Steward," he cried, - With the deepest emotion; - Then tottered to the side, - And leant o'er the ocean. - - The world may think him cold, - But they'll pardon him with quickness, - When the fact they shall be told, - That he suffer'd from sea-sickness. - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: PUNCH'S ILLUSTRATIONS TO SHAKSPEARE - -"_Richmond_ is on the seas." - -_Richard III., Act iv., Scene 4._] - - * * * * * - -LECTURES ON YACHTING - -_By_ PROFESSOR AQUARIUS BRICK - -We were present when the accomplished Professor Brick recently delivered -a series of lectures on yachting, which were very well attended. By his -kind permission, we have preserved bits of the discourses here and -there. We extract, _ą discrétion_:-- - -"I come now," went on the Professor, "to your most important -yachters--your genuine swells. Their cutters are in every harbour; you -trace their wake by empty champagne bottles on every sea. To such dandy -sea-kings I would now say one word. - -"About your choice of cruising ground you cannot have much difficulty. -The Mediterranean is your proper spot. It is true that we will not -tolerate its being made a French lake--its proper vocation is that of -English pond! - -"I would advise you all to be very particular in not letting your -'skipper' have too much authority. Remember always, that _you are the -owner_--high-spirited gentlemen do. Surely a man may sail his own yacht, -if anybody may! It is as much his property as his horse is. To be sure, -when the weather is very bad, I would let the fellow take charge then. -There is a very odd difference between the Bay of Biscay and the water -inside the Isle of Wight, when it blows. And a skipper _too much -snubbed_ gets rusty at awkward times. - -"Your conduct in harbour will be regulated by circumstances--which -means, dinners. Generally speaking, the fact of having a yacht will -carry you everywhere. As every aėronaut is 'intrepid' by courtesy, so -every yachtsman is a 'fashionable arrival.' This great truth is scarcely -enough appreciated in England. I have known very worthy men spend in -trying to get into great society in London, sums which, judiciously -invested _in a yacht_, would have taken them to dozens of great people's -houses abroad. You will get asked to dinner; you will be feasted well, -generally. Anything in the way of excitement--particularly good, rich, -hospitable excitement--is heartily welcome in our colonial settlements -and stations. - -"But I am not now speaking only to those who yacht, because to have a -yacht is a fine thing. I recognise also an imperial class of -yachtsmen--the swans of the flock of geese. I have seen a coronet on a -binnacle, before now. I have seen a large stately schooner sail into a -Mediterranean port--as into a drawing-room--splendid and serene. The -harbour-master's boat is on the alert these mornings. The men-of-war -send their boats to tow; the dandiest lieutenant goes in the barge; the -senior captain offers his services. When such a yacht as that goes into -the Golden Horn, the Sultan is shown to these yachters--like any -curiosity in his capital--like any odd thing in his town! They are -presented to him, as it is called, that _he_ may be looked at. - -"To this magnificent class I have not much to say. They don't snub their -skipper--they are far too fine to do that. They are scarcely distinctive -as travellers, for they are the same abroad as at home. In them, England -is represented. England floats in a lump through the sea, like Delos -used to do. As they say and do just the same as they have always said -and done at home--see and mix with the same kind of people--I often -wonder what they learn by it. When they go to visit Thermopylę or -Marathon, it is with a lot of tents, donkeys, camp-stools, -travelling-cases, guides, and servants--such as Xerxes might have had. -They encumber the ruins of temples with the multitude of their baggage. -The position seems so unnatural, that I can't fancy their getting any -moral or intellectual profit from it. They are too well off for -that--like a fellow who cannot see for fat. Depend on it, you cannot see -much through a painted window, however fine it is." - -Professor Brick concluded his first sketch amidst much applause. - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: HOW VERY THOUGHTFUL - -_Old Lady._ "Are you not afraid of getting drown'd when you have the -boat so full?" - -_Boatman._ "Oh, dear, no, mum. I always wears a life-belt, so I'm safe -enough."] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: STANCH! - -_Complaisant Uncle_ (_who has remembered his nephew in his will, and is -up to his ankles in water_). "I say, John, do you know your boat leaks?" - -_Nephew_ (_high and dry on the thwarts_). "Like old boots!" - -_Uncle._ "But I---- What's to be done?" - -_Nephew._ "Wait till she fills, and then put on a spurt for the -shore!!"] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: MASTER JOHN BULL IN TROUBLE (1851) - -_Mr. Punch._ "Why, Johnny, what's the matter?" - -_Johnny._ "If you please, sir, there's a nasty ugly American been -beating me."] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: SERVING HIM OUT - -_Mrs. T._ (_to T._) "Feel a little more comfortable, dear? Can I get -anything else for you? Would you like your cigar case now? (_Aside._) -I'll teach him to go out to Greenwich and Richmond without me, and sit -up half the night at his club!"] - - * * * * * - -TO A COUPLE OF THAMES NAIADS - - Row, ladies, row! It will do you good: - Pleasant the stream under Cliefden Wood: - When our skiff with the river drops down again, - Glad you will be of some iced champagne. - O, a boat on the river is doubly dear - When you've nothing to do but adore and steer. - - Row, darlings, row! Whether stroke or bow - Is sweeter to look at, better to row, - Is a question that plagues not me, as I laze, - And on their graceful movement gaze. - 'Tis the happiest hour of the sultry year: - The swift oars twinkle; I smoke and steer. - - Row, beauties, row! 'Tis uncommon hot: - I _can_ row stroke, but I'd rather not. - As we meet the sunset's afterglow, - Two absolute angels seem to row; - Wingless they are, so of flight no fear-- - Home to dinner I mean to steer. - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: _Father Thames_ (_to Henley Naiads_). "Don't be alarmed, -my dears. If he comes within our reach, I'll soon settle his business!" - - ["The G. W. R. Company must have known that their contemplated line - from Marlow to Henley would raise a storm of opposition against any - interference with the Thames at spots so sacred to all - oarsmen."--_Vide "A Correspondent" in "Times."_] - -] - - * * * * * - -ON THE RIVER - -(_Page from the Diary of a Sweet Girl Clubbist_) - -_Monday._--Very pleased I have been chosen for the boat. So glad to have -been taken before Amy and Blanche. I am sure I shall look better than -either of them. They needn't have been so disagreeable about it. Amy -asking for her racquet back, and Blanche refusing to lend me her cloak -with the feather trimmings. Fanny should make a first-rate stroke, and -Kate a model coach. - -_Tuesday._--We were to have practice to-day, but postponed it to decide -on our colours. Blouses are to be left optional, but we are all to wear -the same caps. We had a terrible fight over it. Fanny, Rose and I are -blonde, so naturally we want light blue. Henrietta is a brunette, and -(selfish thing!) stood out for yellow! However, we settled it amicably -at last by choosing--as a compromise--pink. Then I made a capital -suggestion, which pleased everybody immensely. Instead of caps we are to -wear picture-hats. - -_Wednesday._--Went out in our boat for the first time. Such a fight for -places! I managed to secure bow, which is a long way the best seat, as -you lead the procession. Everybody sees you first, and it is most -important that the crew should create a good impression. Henrietta -wanted the position, and said that her brother had told her that the -lightest girl should always be bow. I replied "quite right, and as I -had lighter hair than hers, and my eyes were blue and hers brown, of -course it should be me." Fanny and Rose agreed with me, and Kate (who -was annoyed at not being consulted enough) placed her five. Henrietta -was in such a rage! - -_Thursday._--We are in training! Think it rather nonsense. Why should we -give up _meringues_ and sponge-cakes? And as to cigarettes, that isn't -really a privation, as none of us really like them. A mile's run isn't -bad, but it wears out one's shoes terribly. Kate wanted us all to drink -stout, but we refused. We have compromised it by taking _fleur d'orange_ -mixed with soda-water instead. The Turkish bath is rather long, but you -can read a novel after the douche. Take it altogether, perhaps training -is rather fun. Still, I think it, as I have already said, nonsense, -especially in regard to sponge-cakes and _meringues_. - -_Friday._--Spent the whole of the morning in practising starts. -Everybody disagreeable--Kate absolutely rude. Fancy wanting me to put -down my parasol! And then Henrietta (spiteful creature!) declaring that -I didn't keep my eye on the steering (we have lost our coxswain--had to -pay a visit to some people in the country) because I _would_ look at the -people on the banks! And Kate backing her up! I was very angry indeed. -So I didn't come to practice in the afternoon, saying I had a bad -headache, and went instead to Flora's five o'clock tea. - -_Saturday._--The day of the race! Everybody in great spirits, and -looking their best. Even Henrietta was nice. Our picture-hats were -perfectly beautiful. Fanny came out with additional feathers, which -wasn't quite fair. But she said, as she was "stroke" she ought to be -different from the rest. And as it was too late to have the hat altered -we submitted. We started, and got on beautifully. I saw lots of people I -knew on the towing-path, and waved to them. And just because I dropped -hold of my oar as we got within ten yards of the winning-post they all -said it was _my_ fault we lost! Who ever heard the like? The crew are a -spiteful set of ugly frumps, and on my solemn word I won't row any more. -Yes, it's no use asking me, as I say I won't, and I will stick to it. -There! - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: THE HYPNOTIC STEWARD - -(_Specially engaged for the Cross-Channel Service_) - -["Dr. Paul Farez asserts that he has found in hypnotism an absolutely -infallible remedy for sea-sickness and similar discomforts."--_Daily -Paper._] - -] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: YACHTING IN LITTLE - -Squeamish accepts Stunsel's invitation for a month's cruise in his -10-ton yawl. He suffers much. - -_Stunsel._ "Come, come, Squeamish, old fellow, cheer up! You'll be all -right in a week or so!!"] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: SOLAR STUDIES IN THE HONEYMOON - -_She_ (_reading a scientific work_). "Isn't it wonderful, Charley dear, -that the sun is supposed to be millions of miles away!" - -_Charley Dear_ (_suffering from the heat_). "Millions of miles, darling? -Good thing for all of us that it isn't any nearer."] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: "'ERE'S YOUR WERRY GOOD 'ELTH, SIR!"] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: "O WOMAN, IN OUR HOURS OF EASE!" - -"Poor soul, 'e do look lonely all by 'isself! Ain't you glad you've got -us with you, 'Enry?"] - - * * * * * - -HERE AND THERE - - If you were only here, George, - I think--in fact, I know, - We'd get a girl to steer, George, - And take a boat and row; - And, striking mighty bubbles - From each propulsive blade, - Forget that life had troubles - At ninety in the shade. - - We'd swing along together, - And cheerily defy - This toasting, roasting weather, - This sunshine of July. - Our feather might be dirty, - Our style might not be great; - But style for men of thirty - (And more) is out of date. - - You'd note with high elation-- - I think I see you now-- - The beaded perspiration - That gathered on your brow. - Oh, by that brow impearled, George, - And by that zephyr wet, - I vow in all the world, George, - There's nothing like a "sweat." - - To row as if it mattered, - Just think of what it means: - All cares and worries shattered - To silly smithereens. - To row on such a day, George, - And feel the sluggish brain, - Its cobwebs brushed away, George, - Clear for its work again! - - But you at Henley linger, - While I am at Bourne-End. - You will not stir a finger - To come and join your friend. - This much at least is clear, George: - We cannot row a pair - So long as I am here, George, - And you remain up there. - - * * * * * - -"PERILS OF THE DEEP."--_Unprotected Female_ (_awaking old Gent, who is -not very well_). "Oh, mister, would you find the captain? I'm sure we're -in danger! I've been watching the man at the wheel; he keeps turning it -round first one way and then the other, and evidently doesn't know his -own mind!!" - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: A HONEYMOON OUTING - -_Ernest_ (_faintly_). "Vera, darling, I do believe I'm the worst sailor -on earth!" - -_Vera_ (_ditto_). "I wouldn't mind _that_ so much, if _I_ wasn't so bad -on the water!"] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: VERY CONSIDERATE - -_Steward._ "Will either of you, gentlemen, dine on board? There's a -capital hot dinner at three o'clock."] - - * * * * * - -A QUIET DAY ON THE THAMES - -(_Dedicated to the Thames Conservancy_) - -9 A.M.--Got out my boat, and made immediately for the centre of the -stream. - -10 A.M.--Spent some three-quarters of an hour in attempting to avoid the -swell of the City steamboats. Within an ace of being swamped by one of -them. - -11 A.M.--Run into by a sailing-barge. Only saved by holding on to a -rope, and pushing my boat aground. - -12 NOON.--Aground. - -1 P.M.--After getting into deep water again, was immediately run into by -a coal-barge. Exchange of compliments with the crew thereof. - -2 P.M.--Pursued by swans and other savage birds. Pelted with stones -thrown from the shore by ragged urchins out of reach of my vengeance. - -3 P.M.--Amongst the fishing-punts. Lively communication of opinions by -the angry fishermen. Attempted piracy. - -4 P.M.--Busily engaged in extricating my boat from the weeds. - -5 P.M.--Disaster caused by a rope coming from the towing-path. - -6 P.M.--Lock-keeper not to be found. Daring and partially successful -attempt to shoot the rapids. - -7 P.M.--Run down by a steam-launch travelling at express-rate speed. - -8 P.M.--Just recovering from the effects of drowning. - -9 P.M.--Going home to bed! - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: "DROWSILY! DROWSILY!" - -_Energetic Male_ (_reclining_). "Now then, girls, work away! Nothing -like taking real exercise!"] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: THE CHANNEL QUESTION SOLVED (1873) - -OR, EVERY ONE HIS OWN BESSEMER!] - - * * * * * - -AT HENLEY AS IT IS - -(_By Isaac Walton Minimus_) - - There used to be buttercups once on these meads, - There used to be reeds by the bank, - But now these same meadows have not even weeds, - And the water's decidedly rank. - The pastures are crowded with mannerless shows, - And the river with refuse is blocked; - There isn't a corner for quiet repose, - While the nose is most constantly shocked! - The houseboats and tents may with rich colour glow, - And the course be more bright than before, - But there isn't the thought for the men who will row, - As there was in the brave days of yore! - How Willan and Warre and stout "Johnny" Moss - Must recurrence of past time re-wish, - And the sight be to them and to rowing a loss, - But _I_ only can think of the fish - Who are poisoned by garbage and bloated with food, - And oppressed with the bottles o'erthrown! - My sentiments, though by the many pooh-poohed, - By the few will be met with a moan! - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: _The Man in the Boat._ "I'm sorry, sir, but it was your -own fault. Why didn't you get out into mid-stream?" - -_The Victim._ "Why, that's just what I've done!"] - - * * * * * - -THE TOURIST'S BAROMETER - -(_Read on the Channel_) - -Splendid Weather. I never mind the sea myself. - The rougher for me the - better. Have a cigar? - -Very Fine. One certainly does feel that - only Englishmen can be - sailors. Somehow or other - they take naturally to the - sea--now, don't they? - -Fine. Yes. I always come by - Folkestone. I never _could_ - see the use of the _Castalia_. - We are not foreigners, you - know. Most of us have our - sea-legs. Eh? - -Moderate. Yes. Perhaps a little - brandy-and-water _would_ - be a good thing. - -Sea slight. The _very_ roughest passage - I remember. But I am - an excellent sailor. Still, - would you mind putting - out that cigar? - -Rather Rough. It's simply disgraceful. The - _Castalia_ ought to be established - by Act of Parliament. - Shall write to the _Times_. - I shall go down below--to - think about it! - -Rough Oh! Here, somebody! Will - it be more--than five - minutes? Oh! oh! oh! - -Very Rough. (_Far too dreadful for - description._) - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: EASTER RECREATIONS - -_Enthusiastic Skipper_ (_to friend_). "Ah, my boy! this is what you -wanted. In a short time you'll feel yourself a different man!"] - - * * * * * - -RIVERSIDE SUNDAY - - Unnumbered are the trees that fling - O'er Pangbourne Reach their shade, - Unnumbered there the birds that sing - Melodious serenade; - But as the leaves upon the boughs - Or feathers on the birds, - So are the trippers who carouse - Along the banks in herds. - - Punt, centre-board, launch, skiff, canoe, - Lunch-laden hither hie, - Each bearing her expectant crew - To veal and chicken-pie; - And from the woods around Hart's Lock - Reports ring loud and clear, - As trippers draw the festive hock - Or democratic beer. - - From one to three, below, above, - Is heard the crisp, clear crunch - Of salad, as gay Damons love - To linger over lunch. - From three to six a kettle sings - 'Neath every sheltering tree - As afternoon to Phyllis brings - The magic hour of tea. - - Well may the Cockney fly the Strand - For this remoter nest, - Where buses cease from rumbling and - The motors are at rest. - But would you shun your fellows--if - To quiet you incline-- - Oh, rather scull your shilling skiff - Upon the Serpentine. - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: PRO BONO PUBLICO - -_Brown (passenger by the Glasgow steamer, 8.30 a.m.)._ "I beg pardon, -sir, but I think you've made a mistake. That is my tooth-brush!" - -_McGrubbie (ditto)._ "Ah beag years, mun, ah'm sure. Ah thoght 't -belanged to the sheip!!"] - - * * * * * - -NEW SAILING ORDERS - -(_To be in force on or after the next Ultimo instant_) - -_The Darkest Night._--Any man not knowing when the darkest night is will -be discharged. - -Inquiries can be made any day at the Admiralty from 10 till 4, excepting -from 1 till 2, when all hands are piped to luncheon. - -_The Rule of the Rowed_ at sea is similar to the rule of the sailed. - -No ship must come into collision with another. - -If two steamers are on the starboard tack, they must return to the -harbour and begin again. - -Any steamship likely to meet another steamship must reverse and go -somewhere else. - -Any admiral out after 12 o'clock will be locked up wherever he is. - -Nobody, however high in command, can be permitted to sit on a buoy out -at sea for the purpose of frightening vessels. - -All complaints to be made to the Admiralty, or to one of the mounted -sentries at the Horse Guards. - -[Illustration] - -An admiral is on duty all night to receive complaints. - -Every mounted marine on joining must bring his own fork, spoon and towel -horse. - -If two vessels are meeting end on, take one end off. The other loses and -forfeits sixpence. - -Any infringement or infraction of the above rules and regulations will -be reported by the head winds to the deputy toastmaster for the current -year at Colwell-Hatchney. - -N.B.--On hand a second-hand pair of gloves for boxing the compass. -Remember the 26th of December is near, when they may be wanted. The -equivalent of a chaplain-general to the forces has been appointed. He is -to be called chaplain-admiral to the fleet. The cockpits are being -turned into pulpits. If not ready by next Sunday he will deliver his -first sermon from the main-top gallant jibboom mizen. The Colney-Hatches -will be crowded. - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: OUT OF IT - -The eldest Miss Blossom thinks that the part of double gooseberry is -rather monotonous.] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: HOW LITTLE OUR DEAR ONES UNDERSTAND US - -_Madge._ "My dear George, there you've been sitting with your camera -since breakfast, and you haven't taken anything." - -_George (intent on his own feelings)._ "Don't ask me to, darling, I -couldn't touch it!"] - - * * * * * - -A REGATTA RHYME - -_On Board the "Athena," Henley-on-Thames_ - - I like, it is true, in a basswood canoe - To lounge, with a weed incandescent: - To paddle about, there is not a doubt, - I find it uncommonly pleasant! - I love the fresh air, the lunch here and there, - To see pretty toilettes and faces; - But one thing I hate--allow me to state-- - The fuss they make over the Races! - _I don't care a rap for the Races!_-- - _Mid all the Regatta embraces_-- - _I'm that sort of chap, I don't care a rap,_ - _A rap or a snap for the Races!_ - - I don't care, you know, a bit how they row, - Nor mind about smartness of feather; - If steering is bad, I'm not at all sad, - Nor care if they all swing together! - Oh why do they shout and make such a rout, - When one boat another one chases? - 'Tis really too hot to bawl, is it not? - Or bore oneself over the Races! - _I don't care a rap for the Races, &c., &c._ - - Then the Umpire's boat a nuisance we vote, - It interrupts calm contemplation; - Its discordant tone, and horrid steam moan, - Is death to serene meditation! - The roar of the crowd should not be allowed; - The gun with its fierce fulmination, - Abolish it, pray--'tis fatal, they say, - To pleasant and quiet flirtation! - _I don't care a rap for the Races, &c., &c._ - - If athletes must pant--I don't say they shan't-- - But give them some decent employment; - And let it be clear, they don't interfere - With other folks' quiet enjoyment! - When luncheon you're o'er, tis really a bore-- - And I think it a very hard case is-- - To have to look up, from _pįté_ or cup, - And gaze on those tiresome Races! - _I don't care a rap for the Races, &c., &c._ - - The Races, to me, seem to strike a wrong key, - Mid dreamy delightful diversion; - There isn't much fun seeing men in the sun, - Who suffer from over-exertion! - In sweet idle days, when all love to laze, - Such violent work a disgrace is! - Let's hope we shall see, with me they'll agree, - And next year abolish the Races! - _I don't care a rap for the Races, &c., &c._ - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: KNOW THYSELF! - -_Miss Featherweight._ "I tell you what, Alfred, if you took me for a row -in a thing like that I'd scream all the time. Why, he isn't more than -half out of the water!"] - - * * * * * - -HENLEY REGATTA - -_By Jingle Junior on the Jaunt_ - -All right -- here we are -- quite the waterman -- jolly -- young -- -white flannels -- straw hat -- canvas shoes -- umbrella -- mackintosh -- -provide against a rainy day! Finest reach for rowing in England -- best -regatta in the Eastern Hemisphere -- finest pic-nic in the world! -Gorgeous barges -- palatial houseboats -- superb steam-launches -- -skiffs -- randans -- punts -- wherries -- sailing-boats -- dinghies -- -canoes! Red Lion crammed from cellar to garret -- not a bed to be had in -the town -- comfortable trees all booked a fortnight in advance -- -well-aired meadows at a premium! Lion Gardens crammed with gay toilettes --- Grand Stand like a flower-show -- band inspiriting -- church-bells -distracting -- sober grey old bridge crammed with carriages -- -towing-path blocked up with spectators -- meadows alive with pic-nic -parties! Flags flying everywhere -- music -- singers -- niggers -- -conjurers -- fortune-tellers! Brilliant liveries of rowing clubs -- red --- blue -- yellow -- green -- purple -- black -- white -- all jumbled up -together -- rainbow gone mad -- kaleidoscope with _delirium tremens_. -Henley hospitality proverbial -- invitation to sixteen luncheons -- -accept 'em all -- go to none! Find myself at luncheon where I've not -been asked -- good plan -- others in reserve! Wet or fine -- rain or -shine -- must be at Henley! If fine, row about all day -- pretty girls --- bright dresses -- gay sunshades. If wet, drop in at hospitable -houseboat just for a call -- delightful damsels -- mackintoshes -- -umbrellas! Houseboat like Ark -- all in couples -- Joan of Ark in corner -with Darby -- Who is she? -- Don't No-ah -- pun effect of cup. Luncheons -going on all day -- cups various continually circulating -- fine view -- -lots of fun -- delightful, very! People roaring -- rowists howling along -bank -- lot of young men with red oars in boat over-exerting themselves --- lot more in boat with blue oars, also over-exerting themselves -- -bravo! -- pick her up! -- let her have it! -- well pulled -- everybody -gone raving mad! Bang! young men leave off over-exerting themselves -- -somebody says somebody has won something. Seems to have been a race -about something -- why can't they row quietly? Pass the claret-cup, -please -- Why do they want to interrupt our luncheon? -- Eh? - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: "WHAT'S IN A NAME?" - -(A sketch at a regatta. A warning to "the cloth" when up the river)] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: CUPID AT SEA - -_Angelina (to Edwin, whose only chance is perfect tranquillity)._ -"Edwin, dear! If you love me, go down into the cabin, and fetch me my -scent bottle and another shawl to put over my feet!" - -[_Edwin's sensations are more easily imagined than described._ - -] - - * * * * * - -THE JOLLY YOUNG WATERMAIDS - - And have you not read of eight jolly young watermaids, - Lately at Cookham accustomed to ply - And feather their oars with a deal of dexterity, - Pleasing the critical masculine eye? - They swing so truly and pull so steadily, - Multitudes flock to the river-side readily;-- - It's not the eighth wonder that all the world's there, - But this watermaid eight, ne'er in want of a stare. - - What sights of white costumes! What ties and what hatbands, - "Leander cerise!" We don't wish to offend, - But are these first thoughts with the dashing young women - Who don't dash too much in a spurt off Bourne End? - Mere nonsense, of course! There's no "giggling and leering"-- - Complete ruination to rowing and steering;-- - "All eyes in the boat" is their coach's first care, - And "a spin of twelve miles" is as naught to the fair. - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: GOOD RESOLUTIONS - -_Blenkinsop (on a friend's Yacht) soliloquises._ "I know one thing, if -ever I'm rich enough to keep a yacht, I shall spend the money in -horses."] - - * * * * * - -ECHOES FROM THE THAMES - -SCENE--_Houseboat in a good position._ TIME--_Evening during "the -Regatta week._" PRESENT (_on deck in cozy chairs_)--_He and She._ - -_She._ Very pretty, the lights, are they not? - -_He._ Perfectly charming. So nice after the heat. - -_She._ Yes, and really, everything has been delightful. - -_He._ Couldn't possibly be better. Wonderful how well it can be done. - -_She._ Yes. But, of course, it wants management. You know a lot comes -down from town. - -_He._ Will the stores send so far? - -_She._ Yes, and if they won't others will. And then the local -tradespeople are very obliging. - -_He._ But don't the servants rather kick at it? - -_She._ No, because they are comfortable enough. Put them up in the -neighbourhood. - -_He._ Ah, to be sure. And your brother looks after the cellar so well. - -_She._ Yes, he is quite a genius in that line. - -_He._ And it's awfully nice chatting all day. - -_She._ Yes, when one doesn't go to sleep. - -_He._ And, of course, we can fall back upon the circulating libraries -and the newspapers. - -_She._ And so much better than town. It must be absolutely ghastly in -Piccadilly. - -_He._ Yes, so I hear. And then there's the racing! - -_She._ Ah, to be sure. To tell the truth, I didn't notice that very -much. Was there any winning? - -_He._ Oh, yes, a lot. But I really quite forget what---- - -_She._ Oh, never mind. We can read all about it in to-morrow's papers, -and that will be better than bothering about it now. - - [_Scene closes in to soft music on the banjo._ - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: AT HENLEY--"IPSE DIXIT" - -["For a mile and a half the river was covered with elegant craft, in -which youth was always at the prow and pleasure always at the -helm."--_Daily Paper._] - -] - - * * * * * - -"THE SAILORMAN'S MENOO" - -(_To a Shipowner. By a Shell-back_) - - It's mighty fine, yer talkin', but you never done no trips - In the bloomin' leaky foc'sle of yer leaky, rotten ships; - And though you gulls the public with a sham Menoo for _us_, - It isn't printed lies as makes provisions worth a cuss; - And even silly emigrants will tell you straight and true - That the test of grub is grubbin', not the advertised Menoo. - - I'm talkin' now, not beggin' for a chance to starve and work - In an undermanned old tanker with a skipper like a Turk; - With a cook as larnt 'is cookin' when 'e 'ad to cook or beg, - Or go into an 'orspital to nurse a cranky leg; - And what I says I means it, and my words is plain and true, - Which is more than any sailorman will say for yer Menoo. - - I'll allow that in the look of it, the print of it I mean, - That all you say is sarved to us; but is it good or clean? - And wot's wet 'ash, or porridge, or any other stuff, - When at the very best of it there's 'ardly 'arf enough? - Not even with the cockroaches that's given with the stew, - Though I notice they nor maggots wasn't down in yer Menoo. - - There's the tea and corfee talked of, but folks ashore ain't told - That the swine as bought it for you winked 'is eye at them as sold. - For sailormen's best Mocha was never further East - Than a bloomin' Essex bean-field; and the tea ain't tea--at least - It's on'y "finest sweepin's" from the docks, and wot a brew - It makes when sarved in buckets to drink to yer Menoo! - - The pork and beef on paper, or a tin dish, makes a show, - But you'd want yer front teeth sharpened if you tackled it, my bo'! - For the beef is still the ancient 'orse wot worked on Portland Pier, - And the pork is rotten reasty, that was inwoiced twice too dear - If they charged you 'arf a thick 'un for the whack you gives the crew, - With the pickles and the butter set out fine in yer Menoo. - - I'd like to take you jossers, as thinks as sailormen - Is a grumblin' lot of skulkers, just one trip and 'ome agen; - For when yer 'ands was achin' with sea cuts to the bone, - And the Baltic talked north-easters, you'd be alterin' of yer tone, - And might'nt think wot's wrote in print is necessary true, - And perhaps when you was safe agen you'd alter our Menoo. - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: A TRIAL OF FAITH - -_Bertie (at intervals)._ "I used to---- What the---- do a lot of---- -Conf---- rowing, one time!"] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: CRITICAL - -_Boatman (spelling)._ "P-s-y-c-h-e. Well, that's the rummest way I ever -see o' spellin' _fish_!"] - - * * * * * - -HENLEY REGATTA - -(_By Mr. Punch's Own Oarsman_) - -Sir,--This letter is private and is not intended for publication. I -particularly beg that you will note this, as on a former occasion some -remarks of mine, which were intended only for your private eye, were -printed. I of course accepted your assurance that no offence was meant, -and that the oversight was due to a person whose services had since the -occurrence been dispensed with; but I look to you to take care that it -shall not happen again. Otherwise the mutual confidence that should -always exist between an editor and his staff cannot possibly be -maintained, and I shall have to transfer my invaluable services to some -other paper. The notes and prognostications which I have laboriously -compiled with regard to the final results of the regatta will arrive by -the next post, and will, I flatter myself, be found to be -extraordinarily accurate, besides being written in that vivid and -picturesque style which has made my contributions famous throughout the -civilised world. - -There are one or two little matters about which I honestly desire to -have your opinion. You know perfectly well that I was by no means -anxious for the position of aquatic reporter. In vain I pointed out to -you that my experience of the river was entirely limited to an -occasional trip by steamboat from Charing Cross to Gravesend. You said -that was an amply sufficient qualification, and that no aquatic reporter -who respected himself and his readers, had ever so far degraded himself -as to row in a boat and to place his body in any of the absurd positions -which modern oarsmanship demands. Finding you were inexorable, and -knowing your ridiculously hasty temper, I consented finally to undertake -the arduous duties. These circumstances, however, make it essential that -you should give me advice when I require it. For obvious reasons I don't -much like to ask any of the rowing men here any questions. They are -mostly in what they call hard training, which means, I fancy, a -condition of high irritability. Their strokes may be long, but their -tempers are, I regret to say, painfully short. Besides, to be candid, I -don't wish to show the least trace of ignorance. My position demands -that I should be omniscient, and omniscient, to all outward appearance, -I shall remain. - -In the first place, what is a "lightship"? As I travelled down to Henley -I read in one of the newspapers that "practice for the Royal Regatta was -now in full swing, and that the river was dotted with lightships of -every description." I remember some years ago passing a very pleasant -half hour on board of a lightship moored in the neighbourhood of -Broadstairs. The rum was excellent. I looked forward with a lively -pleasure to repeating the experience at Henley. As soon as I arrived, -therefore, I put on my yachting cap (white, with a gold anchor -embroidered in front), hired a boat and a small boy, and directed him to -row me immediately to one of the lightships. I spent at least two hours -on the river in company with that boy--a very impudent little -fellow,--but owing no doubt to his stupidity, I failed to find a single -vessel which could be fairly described as a lightship. Finally the boy -said they had all been sunk in yesterday's great storm, and with that -inadequate explanation I was forced to content myself. But there is a -mystery about this. Please explain it. - -Secondly, I see placards and advertisements all over the place -announcing that "the Stewards Stand." Now this fairly beats me. Why -should the stewards stand? They are presumably men of a certain age, -some of them must be of a certain corpulence, and it seems to me a -refinement of cruelty that these faithful officials, of whom, I -believe, the respected Mayor of Henley is one, should be compelled to -refrain from seats during the whole of the Regatta. It may be necessary -for them to set an example of true British endurance to the crowds who -attend the Regatta, but in that case surely they ought to be paid for -the performance of their duties. - -Thirdly, I have heard a good deal of talk about the Visitors' Cup. Being -anxious to test its merits, I went to one of the principal hotels here, -and ordered the waiter to bring me a quart of Visitors' Cup, and to be -careful to ice it well. He seemed puzzled, but went away to execute my -orders. After an absence of ten minutes he returned, and informed me, -with the manager's compliments, that they could not provide me with what -I wanted, but that their champagne-cup was excellent. I gave the fellow -a look, and departed. Perhaps this is only another example of the -asinine and anserous dunderheadedness of these crass provincials. Kindly -reply, _by wire_, about all the three points I have mentioned. - -I have been here for a week, but have, as yet, not been fortunate enough -to see any crews. Indeed, I doubt if there are any here. A good many -maniacs disport themselves every day in rickety things which look -something like gigantic needles, and other people have been riding along -the bank, and, very naturally, abusing them loudly for their foolhardy -recklessness. But no amount of abuse causes them to desist. I have -puzzled my brains to know what it all means, but I confess I can't make -it out. I fancy I know a boat when I see one, and of course these -ridiculous affairs can't be boats. - -Be good enough to send me, by return, at least £100. It's a very -difficult and expensive thing to support the dignity of your paper in -this town. Whiskey is very dear, and a great deal goes a very short way. - - Yours sincerely, - - THE MAN AT THE OAR. - -_Henley-on-Thames, July 4._ - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: AQUATICS--A COMFORTABLE RAN-DAN - -_Jolly Young Waterman._ "Holloa! Hi! Police! Back water, Jack! We've got -into a nest of swans, and they're a pitchin' into me!"] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: THE SERPENTINE - -(Gent thinks he is rowing to the admiration of everybody) - -_Small Boy._ "'Old 'ard, guv'n'r! And take me and my traps acrosst--will -yer?"] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: _Fiend in human shape._ "Don't feel well! Try a cigar!"] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: Binks, who is the kindest creature possible, has -undertaken to fasten up the boat and bring along the siphons. -Unfortunately both sculls have gone, and his friends are out of -hearing.] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: MOAN, HEARD ON A RAMSGATE BOAT - -"Why didn't we go by rail?"] - - * * * * * - -MAUNDERINGS AT MARLOW - -(_By Our Own Ęsthetic Bard_) - - The lilies are languid, the aspens quiver, - The Sun-God shooteth his shafts of light, - The ripples are wroth with the restless river; - _And O for the wash of the weir at night_! - - The soul of the poet within him blenches - At thought of plunge in the water bright, - To witness the loves of the tender tenches: - _And O for the wash of the weir at night_! - - The throstle is wooing within the thicket, - The fair frog fainteth in love's affright; - The maiden is waiting to ope the wicket; - _And O for the wash of the weir at night_! - - The bargeman he knoweth where Marlow Bridge is. - To pies of puppy he doth invite; - The cow chews the cud on the pasture ridges; - _And O for the wash of the weir at night_! - - So far from the roar of the seething city, - The poet reposes much too quite, - He trills to the Thames in a dainty ditty; - _And O for the wash of the weir at night_! - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: _Malicious Swell in the stern sheets_ (_to little party -on the weather quarter_). "Splendid breeze, isn't it, Gus?" - -_Gus_ (_who, you see, has let his cigar go out_). "Ye-es; but I say, -what's o'clock? Isn't it time to turn back?--What d'ye think?"] - - * * * * * - -FLITTINGS - -(_Per Ocean Bottle-post_) - - _In the South Atlantic, - Three miles off Land (perpendicularly). - Six Bells, Feb. 27, 1898._ - -DEAR MR. PUNCH,--Yeo-ho and ahoy! If this ever reaches you, it is to -tell you that the very good ship _Triton_ (this is within a cable's -length of her name) has been at sea for just a fortnight, bound for the -Cape on her second trip. She bears on board about a thousand souls all -told, five horses, a couple of cows, two or three parrots, of -third-class behaviour, and a few canaries, which have not as yet taken -berths inside the ship's cat. - -We left Southampton on an even keel, but there were plenty of French -rolls for breakfast next morning in the Bay of Biscay, so we were -ęgrotat (_sic_) for the rest of the day in such seclusion as our cabin -granted. The next event of importance was Madeira. Here we had about -four hours in which to watch the natives (one of them a one-armed boy) -diving for our spare coppers, to breakfast on shore, to do the sights of -Funchal, to buy deck-chairs, if not whole drawing-room suites, of -wickerwork, to visit Santa Clara and the other suburban resorts, and, -most necessary of all, to ascend by the new mountain railway to the -church of Nossa Senhora de Monte, and then to descend two thousand feet -by _carro_, or toboggan over the cobble-stone pathway. It was a lot to -do, but we did it on our heads--especially the last-named athletic -performance. Our steersman, Manuel, certainly deserved his pint of -Madeira at the "Half-way House" for his agility and dexterity in taking -us down a decline of one in two, past corkscrew corners, and hordes of -beggars. - -English money seems to be quite the medium of currency at Funchal, and -English is spoken by the enterprising islanders while you wait (or until -your last shilling is spent). Even a tea-garden sort of place is -dignified by the name of "Earl's Court," to attract and solace the -homesick Londoner. Meanwhile, it was market-day on board the ship, and -great was the company of merchants with all kinds of wares. These are -bundled off neck and crop by 11 A.M., and we settled down to the serious -business of the voyage--the election of a Sports and Entertainment -Committee, the consumption of six meals a day, the daily sweepstakes and -auction on the run, the dissection of everybody's character, and the -other inevitable humours and incidents of an ocean trip. - -We fetched a compass, or whatever the nautical phrase is, round the -Canaries in a sea-fog, for fear of running up against Teneriffe, and -since then we haven't sighted land, nor seen a ship, or even a whale or -waterspout, nothing more exciting than a few coveys of flying-fish, and, -I think, half-a-dozen porpoises. At the moment of writing, however, I -see a solitary albatross, and lose no time in informing your readers of -the fact. We crossed the line without feeling the slightest bump. We -have passed through the tropics with only one hot night, and our feet, -like our thoughts, are now turning towards Fleet Street and home, as we -near the Antipodes. - -We have had the usual fancy-dress ball with some decidedly impromptu -costumes. One of a large theatrical company was quite unrecognisable as -Sheffield's Ape, taking the first prize, and has since been busy -restoring himself to human form. The captain's clerk appeared in a -series of quick-turn changes, such as a comic sailor or a deplorable old -lady; while the ship's doctor contributed an awe-inspiring impersonation -of Old Moore or somebody in the wizard profession. - -The sports and other entertainments have passed off without bloodshed. -Our captain, a breezy, jovial Irishman, received the ladies with open -arms at the finish of their fifty yards race, and the comedians who -performed in "Are you there?" and the other humorous items fully rose, -or tumbled, to the occasion, as the case might be. Take it all round, we -have had a particularly good time of it. Pleasant company and pleasant -weather. Out of reach of letters and telegrams, and face to face with -the ocean. - -We are now in the teeth of a strong south-easter, and the writing-room -is beginning to dance, I therefore hasten to catch the post. - - Yours, very much at sea, - X. Y. Z. - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: ASSURING! - -_Passenger_ (_faintly_). "C'lect fares--'fore we get across! I thought -we----" - -_Mate._ "'Beg y'r pardon, sir, but our orders is, in bad weather, to be -partic'lar careful to collect fares; 'cause in a gale like this 'ere, -there's no knowing how soon we may all go to the bottom!"] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: ILLUSTRATED QUOTATIONS - -(_One so seldom finds an artist who realises the poetic conception_) - -"We have fed our sea for a thousand years."--_Kipling._] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: A PRIMEVAL YACHT RACE - -Somehow or other, in those days, a breeze was more often forthcoming -when it was wanted, and the race did "occasionally" end in favour of the -challenger.] - - * * * * * - -ON VIEW AT HENLEY - -The most characteristic work of that important official, the clerk of -the weather. - -The young lady who has never been before, and wants to know the names of -the eights who compete for the Diamond Sculls. - -The enthusiastic boating man, who, however, prefers luncheon when the -hour arrives, to watching the most exciting race imaginable. - -The itinerant vendors of "coolers" and other delightful comestibles. - -The troupes of niggers selected and not quite select. - -The houseboat with decorations in odious taste, and company to match. - -The "perfect gentleman's rider" (from Paris) who remembers boating at -Asničres thirty years ago, when Jules wore when rowing lavender -kid-gloves and high top-boots. - -The calm mathematician (from Berlin), who would prefer to see the races -represented by an equation. - -The cute Yankee (from New York), who is quite sure that some of the -losing crews have been "got at" while training. - -The guaranteed enclosure, with band, lunch and company of the same -quality. - -The "very best view of the river" from a dozen points of the compass. - -Neglected maidens, bored matrons, and odd men out. - -Quite the prettiest toilettes in the world. - -The Thames Conservancy in many branches. - -Launches: steam, electric, accommodating and the reverse. - -Men in flannels who don't boat, and men in tweeds who do. - -A vast multitude residential, and a vaster come per rail from town. - -Three glorious days of excellent racing, at once national and unique. - -An aquatic festival, a pattern to the world. - -And before all and above all, a contest free from all chicanery, and the -very embodiment of fairplay. - - * * * * * - -The new lock at Teddington must be a patent one, as there is no quay. - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: NOT THE FIRST TIME THEY DON'T AGREE TOGETHER - -_Wife._ "Isn't it jolly to think we have the whole day before us? The -boatman says we couldn't go home, even if we wanted to, till the tide -turns, and that's not for hours and hours yet. I've got all sorts of -lovely things for lunch too!"] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: BIS DAT QUI CITO DAT - -_Lock-keeper (handing ticket)._ "Threepence, please." - -_Little Jenkins._ "Not me: I've just paid that fellow back there." - -_Lock-keeper (drily)._ "'Im! Oh, that's the chap _who collects for the -Band_!"] - - * * * * * - -HINTS FOR HENLEY - -Flannels in moderation are pardonable, but they are slightly out of -place if you can't row and it rains. - -The cuisine of a houseboat is not always limitless, so "chance" visitors -are sometimes more numerous than welcome. - -The humours of burnt-cork minstrelsy must be tolerated during an aquatic -carnival, but it is as well to give street singers as wide a berth as -possible. - -In the selection of guests for, say, _The Pearl of the North Pole_, or -_The Hushaby Baby_, it is as well to learn that none of them are cuts -with the others, and all are prepared to accept "roughing it" as the -order of the day. - -Lanterns, music, and fireworks are extremely pretty things, but night -air on the river is sometimes an introduction to sciatica, rheumatism, -and chills. - -In the selection of a costume, a lady should remember that it is good to -be "smart," but better still to be well. - -Finally, it is desirable to bear in mind that, pleasant as riparian life -may be, Henley is, after all, a regatta, and that consequently some sort -of attention should be paid to the racing. - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: GASTRONOMERS AFLOAT - -_Mrs. Fleshpottle._ "Well, I must say, Mrs. Gumblewag, I like something -substantial for _my_ dinner. Nothing, I think, can be better than some -pea-soup to begin with; then a biled leg of mutton with plenty of fat, -with turnips and caper sauce; then some tripe and onions, and one or two -nice suet dumplings as a finish!" - -_Mrs. Gumblewag._ "For my part, mum, I prefer something more tasty and -flavoursome-like. Now, a well-cooked bullock's heart, to be followed by -some liver and bacon, and a dish of greens. Afterwards a jam bolster, -and a black pudding, and some toasted cheese to top up with, is what I -call a dinner fit for a----" - - [_Mr. Doddlewig does not wait to hear any more!_ - -] - - * * * * * - -MORE HINTS FOR HENLEY - -(_For the use of Visitors, Male and Female_) - -Take an umbrella to keep off the rain--unopened. - -Beware of encouraging burnt-cork minstrels, or incurring their -resentment. - -Remember, it is not every houseboat that is sufficiently hospitable to -afford lunch. - -After all, a travel down from town in the train is better than the -discomforts of dawn on the river in a houseboat. - -Six hours of enforced company is a strong order for the best of friends, -sometimes leading to incipient enmity. - -A canoe for two is a pleasant distraction if the man is equal to keeping -from an upset in the water. - -Flirting is a not unpleasant accompaniment to an _alfresco_ lunch with -well-iced liquids. - -If you really wish to make a favourable impression upon everyone, be -cheery, contented, good-natured, and, above all, slightly interested in -the racing. - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: _Enthusiastic Skipper._ "Aha! my boy! You can't do this -sort of thing on shore!"] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: SQUALLY WEATHER--MAKING ALL "TAUT"] - - * * * * * - -FURTHER REGULATIONS FOR HENLEY - -(_Under the Consideration of the Thames Conservancy_) - -No piano playing shall be permitted on houseboats during the racing, so -that the attention of coxswains shall not be thereby distracted. - -To avoid a crowd collecting on the course, no craft shall be permitted -to leave the shores between the hours of 6 A.M. and 9 P.M. - -To preserve decorum, only lemonade and ginger-beer shall be drunk during -the illuminations, and fireworks shall henceforth be restricted to one -squib and a couple of crackers to each houseboat. - -Finally, recreation of every kind shall be discontinued, so that in -future the unpopularity of the County Council on land shall find its -reflection in the universal detestation in which the Thames Conservancy -shall be held by those living on the river. - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: TRIALS OF A NOVICE - -_Extract from Diary._--"WEDNESDAY. Went for a spin or trip, or whatever -it's called, on Bowlines' new racing yacht. Felt very nervous when we -turned the corners; nearly fell overboard while I was trying to balance -the thing; thought we should have been drowned. B. said it was a wonder -we weren't--thanks to _me_! Had a few words with B. _Mem._--Never -again!" - - [_N.B.--B. says the same._ - -] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration] - -BRADBURY, AGNEW, & CO. LD., PRINTERS, LONDON AND TONBRIDGE. - - - - - -End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Mr Punch Afloat, edited by J. A. 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