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diff --git a/40309-0.txt b/40309-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..143925b --- /dev/null +++ b/40309-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,6396 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 40309 *** + +THREE VALUABLE BOOKS. + +_Beautifully printed and elegantly bound._ + + +The Art of Conversation, + +With Directions for Self-Culture. An admirably conceived and +entertaining book--sensible, instructive, and full of suggestions +valuable to every one who desires to be either a good talker or +listener, or who wishes to appear to advantage in good society. +*** Price $1.50. + + +The Habits of Good Society. + +A Handbook for Ladies and Gentlemen. With thoughts, hints, and anecdotes +concerning social observances; nice points of taste and good manners; +and the art of making oneself agreeable. The whole interspersed with +humorous social predicaments; remarks on fashion, etc. *** Price $1.75. + + +The Art of Amusing. + +A collection of graceful arts, merry games, and odd tricks, intended to +amuse everybody, and enable all to amuse everybody else. Full of +suggestions for private theatricals, tableaux, charades, and all sorts +of parlor and family amusements. With nearly 150 illustrative pictures. +*** Price $2.00. + + _These three books are the most perfect of their kind ever + published. They are made up of no dry stupid rules that everybody + knows, but are fresh, sensible, good-humored, entertaining, and + readable. Every person of taste should possess them, and cannot be + otherwise than delighted with them. *** Each will be sent by mail, + free, on receipt of price, or the three books for $5.00._ + + +Carleton, Publisher, + +New York. + + + + + [Illustration: THE art of AMUSING + BY Frank Bellew + CARLETON, Publisher, NEW YORK.] + + + + + THE + + ART OF AMUSING. + + + BEING A COLLECTION OF GRACEFUL ARTS, MERRY GAMES, ODD TRICKS, + CURIOUS PUZZLES, AND NEW CHARADES. TOGETHER WITH SUGGESTIONS FOR + PRIVATE THEATRICALS, TABLEAUX, AND ALL SORTS OF PARLOR AND FAMILY + AMUSEMENTS. + + A VOLUME INTENDED TO AMUSE EVERYBODY AND ENABLE ALL TO AMUSE + EVERYBODY ELSE; THUS BRINGING ABOUT AS NEAR AN APPROXIMATION TO + THE MILLENNIUM AS CAN BE CONVENIENTLY ATTAINED IN THE COMPASS OF + ONE SMALL VOLUME. + + + BY FRANK BELLEW. + + WITH NEARLY 150 ILLUSTRATIONS BY THE AUTHOR. + + + [Illustration] + + + NEW YORK: + _Carleton, Publisher, 413 Broadway._ + _London: S. Low, Son & Co._ + MDCCCLXVI. + + + + +Entered according to Act of Congress, in the year 1866, by + +GEO. W. CARLETON, + +In the Clerk's Office of the District Court of the United States for the +Southern District of New York. + + +[Illustration] + + +To J. C. W. + + To you, my little kinsman, I dedicate these pages, + Tho' not so wise, perhaps, as some you've read by graver sages; + They're not without a purpose, and I trust a kind and true one, + Older than eighteen hundred years, still good as any new one. + + If they could cheer some winter nights, and make some days seem + brighter, + I'd feel I'd paid a groat or so, + Of that great debt of love I owe, + To one at rest who, long ago, dealt kindly by the writer. + + F. B. + + + + +_CONTENTS._ + + + _CHAPTER I.--Something censorious.--Declaration of + Independence.--Card puzzle.--The magic coin.--A + hoax.--The telescopic visitor.--Boy's head knocked off._ 7 + + _CHAPTER II.--Colored mesmerism._ 17 + + _CHAPTER III.--Lemon pig and root dragon.--Portrait of the + gorilla.--Creature comforts.--High shoulders.--Theatre + and theatrical performances.--Nose turned up and teeth + knocked out without pain.--The Long-nosed Night-howler, + or Vulgaris Pueris cum Papyrus Capitus.--Imitation banjo + on piano.--Some conjuring tricks.--The reduced gentleman, + or dwarf perforce._ 20 + + _CHAPTER IV.--The voice of the Night-howler.--The play + of Punch and Judy, with full directions for producing + the same.--Charade on rattan._ 38 + + _CHAPTER V.--Parlor arts and ornaments, comprising + apple-seed mice, turnip roses, beet dahlias, and + carrot marigolds.--Counting a billion.--The algebraic + paradox.--Answer to charade on rattan.--Riddles, etc._ 56 + + _CHAPTER VI.--A patent play._ 72 + + _CHAPTER VII.--Pragmatic and didactic discourse.--Aunty + Delluvian, her party.--The duck and double-barrelled + speech.--The dwarf.--Trick with four grains of + rice.--Riddles, etc._ 81 + + _CHAPTER VIII.--The dancing Highlander and Matadore._ 99 + + _CHAPTER IX.--Answer to trick with four grains of rice.--How + to make an old apple-woman out of your fist._ 105 + + _CHAPTER X.--About giants, and how to make them._ 110 + + _CHAPTER XI.--A merry Christmas.--The boomerang.--Optical + illusion.--How to turn a young man's head.--The tiger-dog, + how to make him.--The elephant, how to make him.--Two + queer characters.--Captain Dawk and Colonel Gurramuchy._ 113 + + _CHAPTER XII.--Hanky-panky, instruction in the art._ 134 + + _CHAPTER XIII.--A tranquil mood.--Transparencies of + paper.--The dancing pea.--Artificial teeth._ 138 + + _CHAPTER XIV.--Artemus Ward, parlor edition._ 157 + + _CHAPTER XV.--Bullywingle the Beloved. A drama for private + performance._ 164 + + _CHAPTER XVI.--A quiet evening.--Fruit animals.--Window + staining.--Oddities with pen and ink._ 189 + + _CHAPTER XVII.--A country Christmas.--The trick + trumpet.--Eatable candle.--How to cut off a + head.--Ventriloquism.--The jumping rabbit.--Santa + Claus arrives._ 199 + + _CHAPTER XVIII.--The bird-whistle, how to make it._ 219 + + _CHAPTER XIX.--A quiet party.--Electric nose.--Miniature + camera.--The hat trick.--The magician of Morocco._ 222 + + _CHAPTER XX.--Theatrical red and green fire, how to make + them.--How to get up a theatrical storm._ 232 + + _CHAPTER XXI.--Card-board puzzles, the cross, the horseshoe, + the arch._ 238 + + _CHAPTER XXII.--The muffin man.--Earth, air, fire, and + water.--The broken mirror._ 243 + + _CHAPTER XXIII.--At a watering-place.--A ladies' fair.--Three + sticks a penny.--Smoking a cigar under water.--Firing at a + target behind you.--Firing firewater.--A practical + joke.--Explosive spiders._ 254 + + _CHAPTER XXIV.--Arithmetical puzzles.--The wolf, the goat, and + the cabbage.--Alderman Gobble's six geese, etc., etc._ 264 + + _CHAPTER XXV.--Charades._ 271 + + _CHAPTER XXVI.--The art of transmuting everything into coral._ 274 + + _CHAPTER XXVII.--Acting charades._ 279 + + _CHAPTER XXVIII.--The worship of Bud._ 299 + + + + +The Art of Amusing. + + + "_All work and no play, + Makes Jack a dull boy._" + + + + +CHAPTER I. + + +[Illustration] + +Perhaps one of the great social faults of the American is, that he does +not amuse himself enough, at least in a cheerful, innocent manner. We +are never jolly. We are terribly troubled about our dignity. All other +nations, the French, the German, the Italian, and even the dull English, +have their relaxation, their merry-making; but we--why, a political or +prayer-meeting is about the most hilarious affair in which we ever +indulge. The French peasant has his _ducas_ almost every week, when in +some rustic orchard, lighted with variegated lamps, ornamented with +showy booths, he dances the merry hours away with Pauline and Josephine, +or sips his glass of wine with the chosen of his heart in a canvas +cabaret, whilst the music of a band and the voices of a hundred merry +laughers regale his ears. He has, too, numberless _fêtes_, which he +celebrates with masquerades and other undignified kinds of +jollification. At these entertainments all are welcome, high and low, +and all conduct themselves with a politeness worthy of our best +society--_only more_. We, the writer of this, have often and often +danced at these _bals champêtres_ with a hired girl, a cook, or a nurse +for our partner. Does it not sound plebeian? The Germans enjoy endless +festivals and gift periods, when they have the meanness to offer each +other little presents "that an't worth more than two or three cents;" +but they are tokens of love and kindness, which make them all feel +better and happier. Then our grumpy friend, John Bull, has his +free-and-easies, and his cosy tavern parlor-meetings, and song-singings, +and his dinner-parties, and his tea-fights, at which latter, be the host +rich or poor, you will get a good cup of tea, and tender muffins, and +buttered toast, and cake, and shrimps, and fresh radishes, and Scotch +marmalade, or similar delicacies. + +A delightful repast and a cosy chat, followed, perhaps, by a rubber of +whist and a glass of wine or whiskey-punch, or mug of ale, according to +the condition of the entertainer; then there is a general "unbending of +the bow," and no one is troubled about his dignity. We have seen, +ourselves, in England, in a stately old castle, a party of lords and +ladies--for we, like the boy who knew what good victuals were, having +been from home several times--even we have seen good company--we say +that we have seen a party of lords and ladies, knights and dames of high +degree, and of mature years, romping and frolicking together, like a lot +of children, playing _Hunt the Slipper_, _Puss in the Corner_, _and +Blindman's Buff_, without the remotest idea that they had such a thing +as dignity to take care of; and no one seemed to have the slightest fear +that any one of the party could by any possibility do anything that +would offend or mortify any one else. The fact is, gentlemen or +gentlewomen can do anything; all depends on the way of doing it. If you +are a snob, for heaven's sake don't be playful; keep a stiff upper lip +and look grave; it is your only safety. + +However, we are improving. We have skating clubs. We play cricket and +base ball. We dine later, and take things a trifle more leisurely. +Theatre-going, our chief amusement, can hardly be reckoned a healthy +relaxation, though well enough now and then. Sitting in a cramped +attitude, in a stifling atmosphere, is not conducive to moral or +physical development. What we need are informal social gatherings, where +we may laugh much and think little, and where dignity won't be invited; +where we need not make ourselves ill with bad champagne and ice-starch, +nor go into the other extreme of platitudes, ice-water and doughnuts: +but where both body and mind will be treated considerately, tenderly, +generously. + +Now we are going to give a few hints that may help to make little +meetings such as we mention pass pleasantly; and should any of our +austere readers be afraid to risk our programme in full, they can call +in the children and make them shoulder the responsibility. "It is," you +can say, "a child's party," and then you can enjoy all the fun yourself. +The juveniles will not object. + +If merely for the purpose of promoting conversation, something ought to +be _done_, on all occasions of social gatherings, something to talk +about, something that will afford people an excuse for getting from +their seats, something to bring people together, something to break the +ice. We have seen a whole party of very estimable people sit round the +room for hours together in an agony of silence, only broken now and then +by a small remark fired off by some desperate individual, in the forlorn +hope that he would bring on a general conversation. + +In our little sketches we shall be discursive, erratic, and +unsystematic, just as the fancy takes us. Still, there will be a method +in our madness; we shall try to give in each chapter a programme +somewhat suited to some one season, and of sufficient variety and +quantity to afford amusement for one evening. + +[Illustration] + +In the first place, we must remark, in a general way, that we like a +large centre-table. It is something to rally round, it is handy to put +things on, and convenient for the bashful to lean against. On this table +I would accumulate picture-books, toys, and knick-knacks--little odds +and ends which will serve as subjects for conversation. If you can do no +better, make a pig out of a lemon and four lucifer matches, or an +alligator out of a carrot. But we will give some detailed instructions +on this point in a future chapter. Any simple puzzles, numbers of which +can be made out of cards, will be found helpful. Take, for example, a +common visiting-card, and bend down the two ends, and place it on a +smooth table, as represented in the annexed diagram, and then ask any +one to blow it over. This seems easy enough; yet it is next door to an +impossibility. Still, it is to be done by blowing sharply and not too +hard on the table, about an inch from the card. Another little trick +consists in making a coin (if such a thing is to be found nowadays) +stick to the door. This is done by simply making a little notch with a +knife on the edge of the coin, so that a small point of metal may +project, which, when it is pressed against the woodwork, will penetrate, +and so cause the dime or half-dime to appear to adhere magically to a +perpendicular surface. When you have exhibited one or two tricks of this +kind, some other member of the party may have something to show. Then, +having secured the confidence of your audience, you may venture to play +a hoax upon them. Never mind how trifling or how old these things are, +they will serve the purpose of making people talk. Say, for example: +"Now, ladies and gentlemen, I will show a trick that is worth seeing. +There are only two people in the United States that can execute +it--myself and the Siamese Twins. First of all, I must borrow two +articles from two ladies--a pocket-handkerchief and--a boot-jack." Of +course no one has the boot-jack; so, pretending to be a little +disappointed, you say: "Never mind; I must do without it. Will some +gentleman be kind enough to lend me three twenty-dollar gold pieces?" Of +course no one has these, either; so you content yourself with borrowing +two cents. You place one in each hand, and extending your arms wide +apart, assure your audience that you will make both pennies pass into +one hand without bringing your arms together. This you do by laying one +on the mantel-piece, and turning your whole body round, your arms still +extended, till the hand containing the other coin comes over the place +where you laid down the cent; then you quietly take it up, and the trick +is performed. + +After a little conversation, you can try something which requires a +little more preparation. The servant, whom you have previously +instructed, comes into the room and announces that "that" gentleman has +called to look at the pictures. You desire him to be shown in, and a +short, broad-shouldered man makes his appearance. Soon after he enters, +he turns his back on the company and begins to examine the works of art +on the wall, lengthening and shortening his body to suit the height of +the object he wishes to inspect. This is performed by your little +brother or son, aided by a broom, a couple of cloaks, and a hat. How, +you will doubtless be able to understand by looking at the subjoined +picture. + +[Illustration] + +[Illustration] + +Another trick of the same order can be performed in this wise: The +servant comes in to inform you that a naughty little boy--Jacky or +Willy--in another room won't eat his custard, but will cry for +ice-cream, or roast-beef, or alligator-soup. Every one is invited into +the room to see this singular child. You find him seated on a high +chair, with a very dirty face, making grimaces. You take the dish of +custard in one hand and a large spoon (the larger the better) in the +other, and begin to expostulate with him on his perversity, but all to +no effect; he only cries and makes faces. You then tell him if he does +not behave better you will be obliged to knock his head off. He +continues not to behave better, whereupon you give him a tap with the +spoon, and, to the surprise of all, his head rolls off on to the floor. +Your audience then find out that the naughty boy was made of a pillow +and a few children's clothes, whilst the head was supplied by Master +Jacky or Willy, ingeniously concealed behind the chair. + + + + +CHAPTER II. + + +A good practical joke to play in a rollicking party, where you can +venture to do it, is that of mesmerizing; you of course manage +beforehand to lead the conversation to the subject of mesmerism, then +profess to have wonderful powers in that line yourself. After more or +less persuasion, allow yourself to be induced to operate. You then say: + +"Well, I will try if there is any person in the company who is +susceptible to the magnetic influence. It is only in rare cases we find +this susceptibility; the person must be of exquisitely fine organization +and steady nerve. Few people can look one long enough in the face to +come under the influence; and, if the current be suddenly broken, the +result is apt to be very serious, if not fatal, by producing suspended +action of the heart and vital organs generally." + +Having now fully impressed on your audience the absolute necessity of +keeping still, you begin to look into the eyes of different persons, +press their hands, make passes at them, etc., as though you were +searching for the right temperament. At last you come to your intended +victim, and pronounce him just the man. You now seat him in a chair, +whilst you go into another room to prepare the necessary implements. +These are two plates, each having on it a tumblerful of water. One +plate, however, must be thoroughly blackened at the bottom, by holding +it in the smoke of a lamp or candle. This done, you carry the plates and +tumblers into the audience, and hand the one which is black to the +victim, who is seated in a chair. + +Before commencing operations, you must warn the audience that it is +absolutely necessary that they observe strict silence, as the least word +or exclamation will break the charm, and be attended with painful +effects to both operation and operatee. You may tell how, after being +once disturbed in this manner, you had most painful shooting-pains in +your nose for fifteen minutes, that being the point in contact with your +finger at the moment of interruption. All this is to prevent any one +giving vent to some exclamation calculated to betray the trick to your +victim. + +[Illustration: COLORED MESMERISM.--_See page 19._] + +You now seat yourself opposite the subject, and desire him to keep his +eyes steadily on yours, and imitate the motions of your fingers. You +then commence. First, you dip your finger in the water, and draw it down +the centre of your nose; he does the same; then you rub the bottom of +your plate with your fingers, and draw it over your chin; he follows +your example, and makes a black smudge on his face; you rub the bottom +of the plate again, and draw your finger over your nose, and so on for +several minutes, till the victim has smeared himself all over with +black. You then rise and compliment him on the steadiness with which he +underwent the ordeal, adding, however, that he has too powerful a +nervous organization for you to operate on. The victim will generally +rise with a rather complacent smile at these compliments, at which point +the audience will generally explode with laughter. The victim looks +puzzled--more laughter--the victim, thinking they are laughing at your +failure, joins in the merriment, which generally has the effect of +convulsing every one, when the climax is reached by handing a mirror to +the unhappy operatee, who usually looks glum, and does not see much fun +in the joke. + + + + +CHAPTER III. + + +We will now describe a little party we attended at a country house one +Christmas, some years ago; and should any of our readers find aught in +the entertainment they think worth copying, they can do so. + +[Illustration] + +When we arrived at Nix's house all the company had assembled--it +consisted of about ten grown people and a dozen children. All were in a +chatter over a couple of little objects on the centre-table. The one a +pig manufactured out of a lemon, and the other a dragon, or what not, +adapted from a piece of some kind of root our friend Nix had picked up +in the garden. We alluded to these works of art in our last chapter, and +now give a couple of sketches of them. As will be seen, they are very +easy of manufacture, and not excessively exciting when made, but they +serve to set people talking. One person told the story of Foote, or +some other old wit, who, at a certain dinner-table, after numerous +fruitless efforts to cut a pig out of orange-peel, retorted on his +friend who was quizzing him on his failure: "Pshaw! you've only made one +pig, but (pointing to the mess on the table) I have made a litter." Then +some one else discovered a likeness between the dragon and a mutual +friend, which produced a roar of laughter. Then a child exclaimed, "Oh! +what a little pig!" and some one answered her: "Yes, my dear, it's a +pigmy." Then a young lady asked how the eyes were painted, and a young +gentleman replied: "With pigment." Whereupon a small boy called out, "Go +in lemons!" which was considered rather smart in the small boy, and he +was told so, which induced him to be unnecessarily forward and pert for +the rest of the evening; but as he never succeeded in making another +hit, he gradually simmered down to his normal condition towards the end +of the entertainment. One group got into conversation about the dragon, +the dragon led to fabulous animals generally, fabulous animals to +antediluvian animals, these to pre-Adamite animals, and so in a few +minutes they were found deep in the subject of Creation; whilst the +group next to them, owing to some one's having conjectured whether my +friend's piece of sculpture could walk, and some one else having +suggested that it might be made to do so by means of clock-work or +steam, had got on to the subject of machinery, modern improvements, +flying-machines, and were away two thousand years off in the future, +making a difference of no less than ten thousand years between +themselves and the other party. At about this juncture of affairs, we +happened to notice a book on the table treating of a certain very +interesting animal, the newly discovered African ape, a subject which +was attracting a good deal of attention at that time. We took the work +in our hand and read on the cover the inscription: "Portrait of the +Gorilla." "Nix," we said to our friend, still holding the book in our +hand, "if all we hear of this gorilla be true, it must be a most +extraordinary animal, although I am rather inclined to be sceptical in +the matter; however, I have no right, perhaps, to form an opinion, as I +have never looked into the subject; but I'll get you to lend me this +book to-morrow. I will take the greatest care of it, and return it; +yes, I will, upon my word of honor. You never knew me fail to return any +work you lent me." This we said rather warmly, thinking we detected a +somewhat suspicious smile playing round the corner of our friend's +mouth. "Oh! yes, certainly," replied he; "you can have it with +pleasure--though I think your doubts will vanish when you have _looked +into it_." We did not notice specially that all eyes were upon us. We +carelessly opened the volume, and there, by all the spirits ever bought +and sold! was a neat little mirror between the covers of the book, and +reflected in it our own lovely countenance. Portrait of the Gorilla! eh? +This was what the boys would call _rather rough_, but every one except +ourself seemed to think it quite funny. It was some satisfaction, +however, to know that every one of the party had been taken in in like +manner before our arrival. + +A slight but pleasant tinkling now fell upon our ear, and behold! a +maiden entered, bearing a tray covered with tall crystal minarets, and +transparent goblets, which sparkled and twinkled in the lamplight, +followed by a more youthful figure supporting vessels of porcelain and +implements of burnished silver, above which wreathed and curled clouds +of aromatic incense; or, in other and better words, two hired girls +brought in coffee and punch. Punch! was it punch, or was it negus, or +was it sherbet? We don't know, but it was a pleasant, moderately +exhilarating beverage, compounded of whiskey, raspberry syrup, sugar, +and orange-flower water, and manufactured by Nix, as he subsequently +explained, at a cost of about thirty cents per bottle. A few little +cakes and some plates of thin, daintily cut slices of bread-and-butter +accompanied the beverages, and were handed round with them. We are great +believers in eating and drinking at all social gatherings. It is +convenient to have something to do with your mouth when you are stumped +in the way of conversation. If suddenly asked a puzzling question, or +hit in the chest with a sarcasm, what a resource is a glass of wine or +cup of coffee, in which to dip your nose whilst you collect your ideas, +or recover your breath. Besides, they give you something to do, +generally, in a small way. They afford opportunities for small +attentions, and excuses for rising from your seat, or moving from one +part of the room to the other. Added to which, wine and coffee and cakes +are nice things to take--you have the gratification of an additional +sense. Then, too, these little things are refreshing, and put you all in +good-humor. Therefore, for all these good reasons, and many more, we +insist on refreshments, and we insist, too, upon some kind of vinous +stimulant; this ice-water and doughnut business has been carried +altogether too far; had we less of it in our homes, less money would +pour into the coffers of the bar-keeper. If persons are teetotallers, +all very well; we respect their opinions, and, perhaps, decline their +invitations; but for people who have no moral scruples on the subject, +to ask you to visit them, and then insist on your drinking red-hot weak +green tea, when you are already nervous, perspire readily, have a tender +gullet, and hate the confounded stuff any way, is downright tyranny, and +the very opposite of all hospitality and true Christian charity. +However, our friend Nix held orthodox views on this question; so all +went well. By dint of helping each other to things we did want, and +offering each other things we didn't want, with the aid of a cup of +coffee for those that liked coffee, and a glass of punch for those who +liked punch, not to forget the little cakes, which came in quite handy +to nibble at occasionally, we all began to feel wonderfully at our ease, +and quite sociable. The conversation did not flag much; but once when it +showed a slight tendency to wobble, Nix set it in motion again by +introducing the subject of optical illusions in connexion with the +height of objects. After informing us that a horse's head was exactly +as long as a flour-barrel, and that a common stove-pipe hat was as broad +across the crown as it was high from the brim to the top (both of which +statements were argued pro and con), he drew our attention to the vast +difference the position of the shoulders make in a man's height. This he +illustrated by walking from the audience with his shoulders in their +natural position, until, having traversed half the length of the room, +he suddenly raised them, as represented in the accompanying sketches. +The effect was quite startling, and very ludicrous. All the male part of +the company tried their shoulders at this experiment, even down to +Freddy Nix, a little three-year-old, who, after ducking his head down on +his chest, and toddling off across the room, returned swaggering, +evidently under the impression that he had made a perfect giant of +himself by the operation. + +[Illustration] + +[Illustration] + +This was nominally a child's party, so we were to have some +_performances_. The folding-doors into the adjoining parlor were closed, +and one or two members of the company who were to be performers retired. +In a few moments the doors opened and revealed an extempore stage. The +kitchen clothes-horse, beautifully draped and decorated, formed the +background; while on a line with the foot-lights were two heads, one at +each side of the stage, intended to represent Tragedy and Comedy. They +were simply two large pumpkins with grotesque faces marked on them with +black and white paint. In less than no time a most remarkable-looking +stranger stepped forward and began to address us. Every one stared, and +wondered whence this singular-looking person could have come, for we +hardly supposed that Nix could have had him secreted in the house all +the evening for our special surprise. At last it dawned upon us, one by +one, that the individual in question was no other than Mr. Graham, a +very staid gentleman, who had been with us a moment before. The annexed +brace of sketches will show the appearance of Mr. Graham off and on the +stage. But how was this change effected? We will explain. In the first +place he had procured a narrow strip of black silk, which he had drawn +round one of his front teeth, with the two ends inside his mouth, which, +at a very short distance, looked exactly as though he had lost one of +his teeth. (A little piece of court-plaster stuck on the tooth will +answer the same purpose.) Then he had made a loop of horse-hair or grey +thread, and securing two of the ends to the lining inside his hat, had +hooked up the end of his nose with the other; in fact, he had put his +nose in a sling. This altered the character of his whole face, so that +his own wife would not have known him had she not heard him speak. He +now addressed the audience in a long, funny, showmanic rigmarole, of +which we only remember the following: + +"Ladies and gentlemen, you have all heard of the Ornithorhyncus, which, +as you are aware, is a species of duck-billed Platypus. You are familiar +with the habits and appearance of the Ororo Wow; and you have listened +to the sweet notes of the Catomonsterbung; but you are entirely ignorant +of the newly-discovered creature known to scientific men as the +Long-nosed Night-Howler, or Vulgaris Pueris cum Papyrus Capitus. This +extraordinary animal is chiefly sugariverous in its diet, though it will +eat almost everything when driven by hunger. It is perfectly tame, and +will only attack human beings when it feels like it. I will now proceed +to exhibit this extraordinary creature, requesting you only not to run +pins into the animal, as it does not like that style of thing. Bring in +the Night-Howler!!" + +The last words were addressed in a loud voice to an assistant outside, +who immediately appeared, leading an animal such as is represented in +the annexed cut. This monster began immediately to emit the most hideous +and unearthly noises, as became the Night-Howler. After walking round +among the audience once or twice, the Vulgaris Pueris retired behind the +curtain. The accompanying sketch will explain how the Night-Howler is +made. Beyond the boy and the boots and the brown-paper cap, all that is +wanted is a rough shawl or large fur cape. The howl is produced by means +of one or two instruments, into the construction of which we will in a +future chapter initiate our readers. With one of these instruments the +most varied tones may be produced, from the grunt of the hog to the most +delicate notes of the canary. + +[Illustration] + +[Illustration] + +The performance now proceeded: the second act being some feats of +strength by one of our party who had the necessary physical ability for +that kind of display. These embraced the following programme, each feat +being announced by Mr. Showman with some extravagantly pompous title: + +Balancing chair on chin. + +Holding child three years old at arm's length. + +Lying with the head on one chair and the heels on another without any +intermediate support, and in this position allowing an apparently heavy +but really light trunk to be placed on his chest. + +The whole wound up by his dancing a negro breakdown to imitation +banjo[1] on the piano, the entire audience patting Juba. + + [1] Should any of our friends not know how to produce an imitation + of the banjo on a piano, we may as well inform them that it is + done by simply laying a sheet of music over the strings during + the performance. + +Now another performer appeared on the stage, dressed in extravagant +imitation of the one who had preceded him, and commenced parodying in a +still more extravagant style all the motions of the professional +acrobat. We expected something grand! After innumerable flourishes he +brought forward a small three-pound dumb-bell, laid it on the floor, +and, bowing meekly to the audience in different parts of the house, he +stooped down as though about to make an immense muscular effort, +grasped the dumb-bell, slowly stretched it forth at arm's length, held +it there a second or two, and then laid it down again, made a little +flourish with his hands, and a low bow, just as they do in the circus +after achieving something extra fine. In this way the performer went on +burlesquing till we all roared with laughter. When he had retired, a +conjuror appeared and exhibited numerous tricks, such as the ring trick, +tricks with hat and dice, cup and ball, etc.; but as all these need +machinery, we will not describe them at present. One or two, however, we +may explain. No. 1. The performer presented a pack of cards to one of +the audience and begged him to select a card; this the performer then +took in his own hand, and carried it with its face downward, so that he +could not see it, and placed in the middle of the floor of the stage; he +then produced a large brown-paper cone, and placed it over the card, and +commenced talking to the audience, telling them what he could do and +what he could not do: finally he informed the audience that he could +make that card pass to any place he or they chose to name. Where would +they have it? One said one place, one another, till finally he pretended +reluctantly to accede to one particularly importunate person's wishes, +and declared that it should be found in the leaves of a certain book on +a certain table at the back of the audience--and there it was, sure +enough. This was done by having a piece of waxed paper attached to a +thread lying ready in the middle of the floor; on this waxed paper the +conjuror pressed the card, the thread being carried out under the screen +at the back, where stood a confederate, who quietly pulled the card out +from under the cone, and while the conjuror was talking he walked round, +entered by another door, and placed the card in the book, where it was +subsequently found. + +Another trick consisted in his allowing a person to draw a card which he +was requested to examine carefully, and even to mark slightly with a +pencil. While the spectator was doing this, the performer turned round +the pack in his hand so as to have all the faces of the cards upwards +except the top one, which showed its back; he then desired that the card +might be slipped anywhere into the pack; he then shuffled them well. Of +course, on inspecting the pack he soon detected the selected card, it +being the only one with its face down, which, after various +manipulations, putting under cones and what not, he returned to the +audience much to their surprise. + +These efforts at legerdemain were certainly not very brilliant, but they +amused the audience and were easy to do. We should like to give a few +more of his simple tricks, but with one illusion-trick we will close the +chapter, for which purpose it will serve, as it formed the _finale_ to +the conjuror's performance. + +He stepped forward and said: + +"I have shown you many wonderful things, but they are as nothing +compared to what I can do. My supernatural power is such that I can +lengthen or compress the human frame to any extent I please. You doubt +it? Well, I will show you. You see Mr. Smith, yonder; he is a rather +tall man; six feet two, I should judge? Well, I will throw him into a +trance, and while he is in that state, I will squeeze him down to a +length of about three feet, and I will have him carried to you in that +condition. I must only insist upon one thing, and that is, that you do +not say _hokey pokey winkey fumm_ while he is in the trance; for if you +do it might wake him up, and then he would be fixed at the height of +three feet for the rest of his life; I could never stretch him out +again." + +Mr. Smith was requested to step behind the curtain. He walked forward, +pale but firm and collected. Soon after he had disappeared we heard +strange noises and fearful incantations, accompanied by a slight smell +of brimstone and a strong smell of peppermint. After a few minutes the +tall Mr. Smith was carried in on the shoulders of two men a perfect +dwarf, as promised by the conjuror, and as represented in the following +cut. + +[Illustration] + +How this is managed will become tolerably clear to the reader on +examining the next diagram. + +The tall Mr. S. had put a pair of boots on his hands, a roll of sheeting +round his neck, so as to form something resembling a pillow, behind his +head; then something on his arms under his chin to represent his chest +(which is not shown in the diagram), and over that a baby's +cradle-quilt, and then he rested his boots on another gentleman's +shoulders; two long sticks were provided and slung as represented, and +the miracle was complete. We have seen the figure lengthened to an +inordinate extent by the same process, the only difference being that +the gentlemen were further apart. + +[Illustration] + +Mr. Nix's party concluded, after several other games and amusements, +with a neat but inexpensive entertainment, consisting of sandwiches, +sardines, cold chicken, cakes, oranges, apples, nuts, candies, punch, +negus, and lemonade. But everything was good of its kind; the sandwiches +were sandwiches, and not merely two huge slices of bread plastered with +butter, concealing an irregular piece of sinew and fat, which in vain +you try to sever with your teeth, till you find yourself obliged to +drop the end out of your mouth, or else to pull the whole piece of meat +out from between the bread, and allow it to hang on your chin till you +cram it all into your mouth at once. His were not sandwiches of that +kind, but, as we said before, sandwiches; the cakes had plenty of sugar +in them, and so had the lemonade. But, above all, what made these little +trifles the most enjoyable was the taste displayed by _some one_ in the +decoration of the table with a few evergreens, some white roses made out +of turnip, and red roses out of beets, not to mention marigolds that +once were carrots, nor the crisp frills of white paper which surrounded +the large round cakes, nor the green leaves under the sandwiches, the +abundance of snowy linen, shining knives and forks, and spoons. But we +must conclude; what we wish particularly to impress upon the minds of +our readers by thus _dwelling on sandwiches and fine linen_ is, that you +cannot afford to ignore one sense while you propose to gratify another; +they are all intimately related and bound together like members of a +fire company; if you offend one, all the others take it up. + + + + +CHAPTER IV. + + +In our last chapter we promised to explain the nature of the little +instrument by which the Night-Howler produced those "hideous and +unearthly noises" to which we alluded. We will now proceed to do so; and +as this instrument is the same as that used by showmen in the play of +Punch and Judy, we cannot do better, while we are about it, than +instruct our readers how to get up a Punch and Judy show. + +First, with regard to the instrument. It is a very simple affair: get +two small pieces of clean white pine, and with a sharp knife cut them of +the shape and size of the diagram marked 1. Then put these two pieces +together as represented in Figure 2, having previously slipped between +them a piece of common tape, also represented in the diagram (the tape +must be just the same width as the wood); then wind some thread round +the whole thing lengthwise (to keep the bits of wood together and the +tape taut), and the Punch-trumpet is made, as represented in figure 3. +Place the instrument between your lips and blow; if you cannot produce +noise enough to distract any well-regulated family in three-quarters of +an hour, we are very much mistaken. + +[Illustration] + +To produce variety of notes and tones, as well as to speak through it, +after the manner of the Punch showmen, the instrument must be placed +well back in the mouth near the root of the tongue, in such a position +that you can blow through it and at the same time retain free use of +your tongue. A little practice will enable you to do this, and to +pronounce many words in a tolerably understandable manner. To discover +this last item in the use of the instrument, simple as it is, cost the +writer of this an infinity of trouble and some money; and it was not +until after two years' hunting and inquiry, and the employment of agents +to hunt up professors of Punch and Judy, that we discovered an expert +who, for a handsome fee, explained the matter; and then, of course, we +were amazingly surprised that we had never thought of it before. From +the same expert we learned how to make another instrument by means of +which it is possible to imitate the note of almost every animal, from +the hog to the canary-bird. We soon compassed the hog, the horse, the +hen, the dog, the little pig, and something that might be called the +horse-linnet, or the hog-canary; but ere long we found that considerable +practice was necessary to enable us to accomplish the finer notes of the +singing-birds. How to make this latter instrument we will explain in a +future chapter; at present we must go on with the play of Punch and +Judy. + +We commence instructions with a view taken behind the scenes, which will +help the description (see cut on page 40). We may state that the London +showmen carry about with them a species of little theatre of simple +construction, which is of course better than a mere door-way; but as the +latter will answer the purpose, and many people will not care to make +a theatre, we will at present content ourselves with that which every +house affords. + +[Illustration: PUNCH AND JUDY, BEHIND THE SCENES.--_See page 40._] + +In the play of Punch and Judy there are many characters--indeed, you can +introduce almost as great a variety as you please; but the leading ones +are: + + Mr. Punch, a merry gentleman, of violent and capricious temper. + Judy (wife of Punch). + Baby (offspring of Punch and Judy). + Ghost. + Constable. + +The heads of these characters can be made in several ways. The first is +to get the necessary number of common round wooden lucifer match-boxes +and some red putty. With the putty you make the noses and chins of the +characters (all except the Ghost, who requires no nose). With a +camel's-hair brush and a little India-ink or black paint you mark out +the features strongly, taking care to make the eyes and eyeballs of a +good size, so as to be seen at a distance. With a little red paint or +red chalk you can color the cheeks, and with a little white paint or +white chalk give brilliancy to the teeth and eyes. The annexed cut will +show what the style of countenance ought to be of each, No. 1 being the +Constable, No. 2 Judy, and No. 3 Mr. Punch himself. The Ghost is not +represented. In feature he is much like the Constable, only that his +face must be made as white as possible, and the features simply marked +out in blue or green or black. The Baby can be made out of an ordinary +clothes-pin or stick of wood. + +[Illustration] + +[Illustration] + +[Illustration] + +[Illustration] + +If the match-boxes cannot be easily obtained, just roll up a good-sized +card, as represented in this figure, and paint on it the features. The +nose and chin can be made of a bit of red rag or paper folded up of the +desired shape, and either sewed or gummed on. Another and far better way +of making these heads (though it takes more trouble), is to get a +carpenter to cut out for you four or five pieces of white pine or other +fine wood of the shape of the sketch annexed, with a hole in each large +enough to easily admit your fore-finger. From this block you can carve +as elaborate a head as you please, and one of larger size than the +match-box, which will be advantageous. The diagram marked O will show +you how to set about making the carving. Having now made the bald heads, +you must proceed to dress them. Punch must have a bright red cap with +yellow tassel and binding, like the one in the accompanying sketch. Judy +must have a white cap with broad frill and black ribbon. The Constable +must have a wig made out of some scrap of fur (the remains of a tippet +or cuff), or if fur cannot be procured, a piece of rope unravelled will +make a good wig. The Ghost only requires his winding-sheet drawn over +his head. All these can be nailed on the heads of the actors with small +tacks without hurting their feelings. + +[Illustration] + +Having got the heads complete, we will proceed to construct their +bodies. These merely consist of empty garments, the operator's hand +supplying the bone and sinew. The dresses must be neatly fastened round +the neck of the head, so that when the performer puts his hand inside +the dress, he can thrust his fore-finger into the hole in the head. They +must of course be sufficiently large to admit the hand of the showman, +each sleeve to admit a thumb or finger, and the neck large enough for +the passage of the fore-finger. Thus the thumb represents one arm, the +middle finger another arm, whilst the fore-finger, thrust into the head, +supports and moves it about. The style of dress of Punch and Judy can be +easily seen in the small sketch. The color of Punch's coat should be +red, with yellow facings, with a hump sewed on his back and a paunch in +front. Judy should have a spotted calico and white neck-handkerchief. +The Constable had better be attired in black, and the Ghost and Baby in +white. Each of the sleeves should have a hand fastened into it. The +hands can be made of little slips of wood, with fingers and thumbs +marked on them. They should be about two and a half or three inches +long, only about three-quarters of an inch of which, however, will +project beyond the sleeve; the rest, being inside, will serve to give +stiffness to the arm when the performer's fingers are not long enough to +reach the whole way. + +[Illustration] + +Mr. Punch requires a club wherewith to beat his wife, and to perform his +various other assaults and batteries. A gallows, too, should be +provided, on the plan represented in the diagram, the use of which will +be explained hereafter. + +So much for the performers. Now for the theatre and the play. The +theatre is easily made. A narrow board about three or four inches wide +should be fixed across an open doorway just about one inch higher up +than the top of the head of the exhibitor. From this board hangs a +curtain long enough to reach the floor. Behind this curtain stands the +operator, with his actors all ready on a chair or table at his side. He +puts his Punch-trumpet in his mouth, gives one or two preliminary +_root-et-too-teet-toos_, puts his hand fairly inside Mr. Punch's body, +and hoists him up so that half his manly form may be seen above the +screen. A glance at our picture, BEHIND THE SCENES, will explain +anything our words have failed to convey. The audience are of course on +the opposite side of the curtain to which the performer stands. + +Before we commence with the dialogue of the play, we must mention one +very important part of the exhibition. As Mr. Punch's voice is, at the +best of times, rather husky, it is necessary that the exhibitor should +have a colleague or interpreter among the audience who knows the play by +heart, and who, from practice, can understand what Mr. Punch says better +than the audience. This person must repeat after Punch whatever he may +say, only not to wound his feelings; he must do so in the form of +questions--for example, suppose Mr. Punch says, "Oh! I've got such a +pretty baby!" the showman outside must repeat: "Oh! you've got a pretty +baby, Mr. Punch, have you? Where is she?" The outside showman ought to +have some instrument to play on--a tin tea-tray or tin pan will do--and +if there is any one to accompany him on the piano when Mr. Punch sings a +song or dances, so much the better. Now for the play. + +Mr. Punch makes his _début_ by dancing round his small stage in an +extravagant and insane manner, singing some rollicking song in his own +peculiar style. Having indulged himself in this way for a few seconds, +he pulls up suddenly, and looking over the edge of the screen at the +showman outside, exclaims: + +_Punch._ "I say, old hoss!" + +_Showman._ "I say, 'old hoss!' Mr. Punch, that's not a very polite way +to address a gentleman. Well, what do you say?" + +_P._ "I say!" + +_S._ "Well, what do you say?" + +_P._ "I say!" + +_S._ "Well, you've said 'I say!' twice before. What is it you have to +say?" + +_P._ "I say!" + +_S._ "What?" + +_P._ "Nothing particular!" + +Mr. Punch dances off, hilariously singing. + +_S._ "Nothing particular! Well, that is a valuable communication." + +_P._ (Stopping again). "Oh, you April fool!" + +_S._ "April fool? No, Mr. Punch, I'm not an April fool. This isn't the +first of April." + +_P._ "Isn't it? Well, salt it down till next year." + +_S._ "Salt it down till next year? No, thankee, Mr. Punch. Guess you'll +want it for your own use." + +_P._ "Mr. Showman!" + +_S._ "Well, Mr. Punch?" + +_P._ "Have you seen my wife?" + +_S._ "Seen your wife? No, Mr. Punch." + +_P._ "She's such a pretty creature!" + +_S._ "Such a pretty creature, eh? Well, I'd like to be introduced." + +_P._ "She's such a beauty! She's got a nose just like mine" (touching +his snout with his little hand). + +_S._ "Got a nose just like yours, eh? Well, then, she must be a beauty." + +_P._ "She's not quite so beautiful as me, though." + +_S._ "Not so beautiful as you? No, of course not, Mr. Punch; we couldn't +expect that." + +_P._ "You're a very nice man. I like you." + +_S._ "Well, I'm glad you like me, Mr. Punch." + +_P._ "Shall I call my wife?" + +_S._ "Yes, by all means call your wife, Mr. Punch." + +_P._ (Calling loudly). "Judy! Judy, my dear! Judy! come up-stairs!" + +Judy now makes her appearance. Punch draws back and stands gazing at her +for a few minutes in mute admiration. Without moving, he exclaims: "What +a beauty!" then, turning to the audience, he asks earnestly: "Isn't she +a beauty?" He now turns to Judy and asks her for a kiss; they approach +and hug each other in a prolonged embrace, Mr. Punch all the time +emitting a species of gurgling sound expressive of rapture. This is +repeated several times, interspersed with the remarks of Mr. Punch on +the beauty of his spouse; after which, at Mr. _P._'s suggestion, the +couple dance together to lively music and the enlivening tones of Mr. +_P._'s voice; the performance winding up by Mr. Punch's leaning up +against the door of the theatre exhausted and delighted, and giving vent +to a prolonged chuckle of gratification. + +Punch now turns to the Showman and asks him if he has ever seen his +Baby. The Showman replying in the negative, Punch extols the beauty of +his offspring in the same extravagant strain as he has already done +that of his wife, makes the same comparison between his own and the +Baby's nose, declares that the Baby never cries, and that she is "_so +fond of him_." + +The Baby is now ordered to be brought up-stairs, and Judy disappears to +obey her lord's mandate. During her absence Punch favors the company +with a song. When Judy returns, bearing the infant Punch in her arms, +Mr. P. goes into raptures, calls it a pretty creature, pats its cheek, +and goes through all the little endearing ceremonies common to fathers. +After again informing the Showman that his Baby never cries, and is +fondly attached to him, he takes the infant in his arms, whereupon she +immediately sets up a continuous howl. Punch tries to hush and pacify it +for some time, but at last, losing his temper, shakes it violently and +throws it out of the window, or in other words, at the feet of the +audience. Judy is of course distracted, weeps bitterly, and upbraids her +husband, when the enraged Mr. Punch dives down-stairs and gets his club, +and whilst Mrs. P. is still weeping, gives her three or four sound blows +on the back of the head. This makes Mrs. P. cry still more, which, in +turn, increases Mr. P.'s wrath, who ends by beating her to death and +throwing her after the Baby. The Showman upbraids Punch with his crime, +but Punch defends himself by saying it served her right. However, he +finally admits that he is naturally a little hasty, but then he adds, +"It's over in a minute," and that's the kind of disposition he likes. He +further adds: + +_P._ "I'm a proud, sensitive nature." + +_S._ "You're a proud, sensitive nature, are you, Mr. Punch? I don't see +much pride in killing a baby." + +_P._ "That's because you don't understand the feelings of a gentleman." + +_S._ "Because I don't understand the feelings of a gentleman? Well, if +those are the feelings of a gentleman, I don't want to understand them, +Mr. Punch." + +This dialogue can be carried on to suit the taste and invention of the +exhibitor. + +Presently, while Mr. P. is recklessly glorying in his crime, declaring +that he is afraid of nothing, and laughing to scorn the Showman's +admonition, the Ghost makes his appearance close to Mr. _P._'s shoulder, +and stands there for some time, listening unobserved to Punch's brag. +After a while, however, turning round, Punch catches sight of him, and +is rooted to the spot with horror for a few seconds; then he retreats +backwards, his whole body trembling violently, till he reaches the side +of the theatre; here he turns round slowly to hide his face from the +awful apparition. When, by turning away, he loses sight of the Ghost for +a few seconds, he recovers his voice so far as to say to the Showman in +trembling tones: "W-h-h-a-a-t a hor-r-r-rid creature! What an awful +creature!" Then he turns round very slowly to see whether the "horrid +creature" is gone, but finding it still there, suddenly jumps +back--jambs himself up in the corner--pokes his head out of the window, +and screams, "Murder! murder! murder!" shaking all the time violently. +This he repeats several times, till at last the Ghost disappears. Then +Mr. P. recovers his courage and swaggers about as before, vowing he is +afraid of nothing, etc., etc. + +Now appears on the stage the Constable, who twists himself about in a +pompous style for some seconds, and then addressing Mr. Punch, says: + +_Constable._ "I've come to take you up!" + +_P._ "And I've come to knock you down!" (which he accordingly does with +his club). + +The Constable gets up, and is again knocked down several times in +succession. Not relishing this style of thing, however, he disappears +and returns with a club, and a battle royal ensues, part of which--that +is to say, one round of the battle--shows the skill of the Constable in +dodging Mr. P.'s blows, and can be made immensely funny if properly +performed. It is done in this way: The Constable stands perfectly still, +and Punch takes deliberate aim; but when he strikes, the Constable bobs +down quickly, and the blow passes harmlessly over his head. This is +repeated frequently, the Constable every now and then retaliating on +Mr. P.'s "nob" with effect. Not succeeding with the sabre-cut, Punch +tries the straight or rapier thrust. He points the end of his _baton_ +straight at the Constable's nose, and after drawing back two or three +times to be sure of his aim, makes a lunge; but the Constable is too +quick, dodges on one side, and Punch's club passes innocently out of the +window. This is repeated several times, till the Constable sails in and +gives Punch a whack on the head, crying: "There's a topper!" Punch +returns the compliment with the remark: "There's a whopper!" Now they +have a regular rough and tumble, in which Punch is vanquished. + +The Constable disappears and returns with the gallows, which he sticks +up in a hole already made in the stage (four-inch board previously +mentioned), and proceeds to prepare for the awful ceremony of hanging +Mr. P. Punch, never having been hung before, cannot make out how the +machine is intended to operate--at least he feigns profound ignorance +on the subject. When the Constable tells him to put his head into the +noose, he puts it in the wrong place over and over again, inquiring each +time, "That way?" till at last the executioner, losing all patience, +puts his own head in the loop, in order to show Mr. P. how to do it, +saying: "There! that's the way! Now do you understand?" To which Punch +responds, "Oh! that's the way, is it?" at the same time pulling the end +of the rope tight, and holding on to it till the struggling functionary +is dead, crying all the time: "Oh! that's the way, is it? Now I +understand!" + +Punch dances a triumphant jig, and so ends the _immoral_ drama of Punch +and Judy. + +Many more characters can be added at the option of the performer, +besides which, jokes and riddles can be introduced to any extent. We +have given the skeleton of the play, with all the necessary information +for getting up the characters. + +We will conclude this chapter with an excellent charade, the answer to +which will be given in the next chapter: + + +CHARADE. + + My whole is the name of the school-boy's dread, + My first is the name of a quadruped; + My first transposed a substance denotes, + Which in carts or in coaches free motion promotes; + Transpose it again, and it gives you the key + Which leads to the results of much industry. + My second is that which deforms all the graces + Which cluster around the fair maidens' fair faces; + Transpose it, and it gives you the name of a creature + Of no little notice in the history of nature. + Now take my whole in transposition, + And it will give you the dress of a Scotch musician. + + + + +CHAPTER V. + + +[Illustration] + +Heretofore the fireside amusements recorded by us have been rather +masculine in their character. In this chapter we shall have the pleasure +of describing an entertainment of more feminine qualities. It was a +small party, of the description which the Scotch call a cookeyshine, the +English a tea-fight, and we a sociable. A few young ladies in a country +village had conspired together to pass a pleasant evening, and the head +conspirator wrote us a note, which consisted of several rows of very +neat snake-rail fences (not "rail snake" fences, as the Irishman said), +running across a pink field. We got over the fences easily, and found +ourselves in a pretty parlor, with six pretty young ladies, one elderly +ditto, and a kind of father. The ladies, as we entered, were engaged in +making tasty little scent-bags. We had often seen the kind of thing +before, but never so completely carried out. + +[Illustration] + +The principal idea consisted in making miniature mice out of +apple-seeds, nibbling at a miniature sack of flour. But in this case +they had filled the sack with powdered orris-root, and the small bottles +with otto of roses, making altogether a very fragrant little ornament. +The subjoined sketch will convey the idea to any one wishing to try her +hand at this kind of art. + +As to the process of manufacture, that is simple enough: you first make +neat little bags of white muslin, and with some blue paint (water color) +mark the name of the perfume, in imitation of the ordinary brands on +flour-bags; then fill the bag with sachet-powder and tie it up. You then +get some well-formed apple-seeds, and a needle filled with brown thread +or silk with a knot at the end; after which pass the needle through one +side of the small end of the seed, and out through the middle of the big +end; then cut off your thread, leaving about half an inch projecting +from the seed; this represents the tail of the mouse. After this you +make another knot in your thread, and pass it through the opposite side +of the small end of the seed, bringing it out, not where you did the +other thread, but in the middle of the lower part, that part, in fact, +which represents the stomach of the mouse. You can now sew your mouse on +the flour-sack. It should be borne in mind that the two knots of thread, +which represent the ears, must appear near the small end of the seed. We +once saw some mice made of apple-seeds where the ears were placed at the +big end, producing the most ridiculous effect. We annex enlarged +diagrams of each style. + +It will be seen that one looks like a mouse, whilst the other resembles +a pollywog, or a newly-hatched dragon. + +[Illustration] + +You must now get a good-sized card, and if you wish to have it _very +nice_, paint it to resemble the boards of a floor. On this you sew your +sack, and one or two stray mice who are supposed to be running round +loose. Then having provided yourself with a couple of those delicate +little glass bottles of about an inch and a half in length, which are to +be found in most toy-stores, you fill them with otto of roses or any +other perfume; and with a little strong glue or gum, stick them to the +card in the position represented. If glass bottles are not to be +obtained, you may cut some out of wood, a small willow stick perhaps +being the best for the purpose; blacken them with ink, and varnish them +with weak gum-water, at the same time sticking on them little pieces of +paper to represent the labels, and, if you please, a little lead-paper +round the neck and mouth of the bottles, to give the flasks a champagney +flavor. The boxes and jars are likewise cut out of wood, and easily +painted to produce the desired appearance. + +After a time, while the young ladies were still at work on the mice like +so many kittens at play, a practical young gentleman, in spectacles and +livid hands, came in, and asked _of what use were those articles_. Upon +which one of the young ladies very properly replied that they did not +waste their time in making anything _useful_. This seemed to afford an +opportunity to the young gentleman to say something agreeable in +connection with _beauty_; but he put his foot in it, and we heard him +late in the evening, as the party was breaking up, trying to explain his +compliment, which, though well intended, had unfortunately taken the +form of an insult, and had not been well received. + +We had observed, on entering, that one of the young ladies present wore +in her hair a very beautiful white rose, and that another held in her +hand a small bunch of marigolds. As the season was mid-winter, this fact +attracted our attention, and we very gracefully complimented said damsel +on the beauty of her _coiffure_, at the same time expressing our ardent +admiration for flowers generally, roses particularly, and white roses +above all other roses. "We had made a study of them." We spoke +rapturously of them as the poetry of vegetation, as _vestals among +flowers, as the emblems of purity, the incarnation of innocence_. Then +the young lady asked us how we liked them _boiled_, and taking the one +from her head begged us to wear it next our heart for her sake. We +received it reverentially at her hand--it was heavy as lead. Her +somewhat ambiguous language immediately explained itself as she gaily +stripped off the leaves and revealed a good-sized turnip-stock on a +wooden skewer. We felt slightly embarrassed, but got over the difficulty +by saying that when we spoke so poetically we had no idea what would +turn-up. + +"Ah!" sighed one of the young ladies, "it is the way of the world; the +flower worshipped from afar, possessed, will ever turn out a turnip!" + +"Or," added we, "as in the case of Cinderella's humble vegetable turn +up, a turnout." + +This inoffensive little joke, being rather far-fetched, perhaps, was +immediately set upon and almost belabored to death by those who +understood it; whilst for the enlightenment of those who did not, we had +to travel all the way to fairy-land, so that it was some time before we +got back to vegetable flowers--a subject on which we felt not a little +anxious to be enlightened, as we saw therein something that might +interest our friends who meet by the fireside and help us in our +occupation of unbending the bow. Marvellously simple were the means +employed in producing such beautiful results. A white turnip neatly +peeled, notched all round, stuck upon a skewer, and surrounded by a few +green leaves, and behold a most exquisite white rose, perfect enough to +deceive the eye in broad daylight at three feet distance. The above +sketch will explain the whole mystery at once. + +[Illustration: ROSE IN PROCESS OF MAKING.] + +[Illustration: ROSE COMPLETED.] + +On the same principle a marigold may be cut out of a round of carrot +with a little button of beet-root for the centre; a daisy can be made +from a round of parsnip with a small button of carrot for the centre; a +dahlia from a beet; and several other flowers from pumpkins. It will be +easily seen that a beautiful bouquet can be compiled of these flowers +with the addition of a few sprigs of evergreen. Indeed, great taste and +ingenuity may be displayed in managing these simple materials. When the +process had been explained to us, as above described, we expressed our +delight, at the same time saying carelessly that there were doubtless +millions of ladies in the country who would find pleasure in learning so +graceful an accomplishment. The gentleman with the gold spectacles was +down upon us in a moment. + +"Did we know what a million meant?" + +To which we promptly replied that a million meant ten hundred thousand. + +"Did we know what a billion meant?" + +A billion, according to Webster, was a million million. + +A light twinkled out of the gold spectacles, and a glow suffused the +expansive forehead, as, with a certain playful severity, he propounded +the following: + +"How long would it take you to count a million million, supposing you +counted at the rate of two hundred per minute for twenty-four hours per +day?" + +We replied, after a little reflection, that it would take a long time, +probably over six months. + +With a triumphant air, the gold spectacles turned to our friend Nix. +Nix, who is a pretty good accountant, thought it would take nearer six +years than six months. One young lady, who was not good at figures, felt +sure _she_ could do it in a week. Gold Spectacles exhibited that intense +satisfaction which the mathematical mind experiences when it has +completely obfuscated the ordinary understanding. + +"Why, sir," he said, turning to us, "had you been born on the same day +as Adam, and had you been counting ever since, night and day, without +stopping to eat, drink, or sleep, you would not have more than +accomplished half your task." + +This statement was received with a murmur of incredulous derision, +whilst two or three financial gentlemen, immediately seizing pen and +paper, began figuring it out, with the following result: + + 200 Number counted per minute. + 60 Minutes in an hour. + ----- + 12000 Number counted per hour. + 24 Hours in a day. + ------ + 48000 + 24000 + ------ + 288000 Number counted per day. + 365 Days in the year. + -------- + 1440000 + 1728000 + 864000 + --------- + 105120000 Number counted per year. + +From this calculation we see that by counting steadily, night and day, +at the rate of two hundred per minute, we should count something over +one hundred and five millions in a year. Now let us proceed with the +calculation: + + 105,12(0,000)1,000,000,00(0,000(9,512 years. + 94,608 + ------- + 53,920 + 52,550 + ------- + 13,600 + 10,512 + ------- + 30,880 + 21,024 + ------ + 9,856 + +So that it would take nine thousand five hundred and twelve years, not +to mention several months, to count a billion. Gold Spectacles chuckled +visibly, and for the rest of the evening gave himself airs more worthy +of a conquered Southerner than a victorious mathematician. He afterwards +swooped down upon and completely doubled up a pompous gentleman bearing +the cheerful name of Peter Coffin, for making use of the very proper +phrase, "As clear as a mathematical demonstration." + +"That may not be very clear, after all, Mr. Coffin," said Gold +Spectacles. + +"How is that, Mr. Sprawl (Gold Specks' proper name being Sprawl); can +anything be clearer than a mathematical demonstration?" + +"I think, sir," answered Mr. Sprawl, "I could _mathematically +demonstrate_ to you that one is equal to two. What would you think of +that, sir?" + +"I think you couldn't do it, sir." + +Thereupon Mr. Sprawl took a sheet of paper and wrote down the following +equation--the celebrated algebraic paradox: + + _a_ = _x_ + _a_ _x_ = _x_^{2} + _a_ _x_ - _a_^{2} = _x_^{2} - _a_^{2} + (_x_ - _a_) × _a_ = (_x_ - _a_) × (_x_ + _a_) + _a_ = _x_ + _a_ + _a_ = 2 _a_ + 1 = 2 + +Mr. Coffin examined it carefully standing up, and examined it carefully +sitting down, and then handed it back, saying that Mr. Sprawl had +certainly proved one to be equal to two. The paper was passed round, and +those learned enough scrutinized it carefully. The _demonstration_ all +allowed to be positive, yet no one could be made to admit the _fact_. + +Here a certain married lady avowed her great delight in knowing that +_one_ had at last been _proved_ equal to _two_. She had been for years, +she said, trying to convince her husband of this fact, but he always +obstinately refused to listen to the voice of reason. She now trusted he +would not have the effrontery to fly in the face of an _algebraic +paradox_. + +Seeing the talk had taken an arithmetical turn, and was moreover getting +fearfully abstruse, our friend Nix thought he would gently lead the tide +of conversation into some shallower channel, wherein the young ladies +might dabble their pretty feet without danger of being swept away in the +scientific torrent. To this end he submitted the well known problem: +"What is the difference between six dozen dozen and half a dozen dozen?" +Strange to say, no one present had ever before heard of it, but the best +part of the joke consisted in Mr. Sprawl being completely taken by it. + +"Why, they are both the same," he answered promptly. + +All the rest seemed to think so too, and some could not get into their +heads, although poor Nix spent half an hour trying to convince them, +that half a dozen dozen was the same thing as six dozen, or 72; whilst +six dozen dozen must of course be seventy-two dozen, or 864. + +While Nix still spoke, a handmaiden appeared, bearing tinkling cups and +vessels of aromatic tea (not the weak green kind, bear in mind), and +plates of sweet cookies and toast, and then bread and butter, and +steaming waffles, and divers and sundry other delicacies known to true +housewives and good Christian women, who love their fellow-creatures and +respect their organs of digestion. + +As the tea is being served, we walk up to a young gentleman and ask him +if he knows why the blind man was restored to sight when he drank tea. +The young gentleman _gave it up_ precipitately. + +"Because he took his cup and saucer (saw sir)." + +The gentleman in gold spectacles says something about our being a +_sorcerer_, but we heed him not, fearing he may put us through another +algebraic paradox. Then comes a general demand for the answer to the +charade we published in our last chapter, which commenced: + + "My whole is the name of a school-boy's dread." + +"The answer to this, ladies, is Rattan; and you will find it," said we, +"a most excellent charade for children." + +Now commenced a grand festival of puzzles and riddles. Specimens of all +kinds were trotted out for inspection, from the ponderous construction +of our ancestors, commencing in some such style as, "All round the +house, through the house, and never touching the house," etc., to the +neatly turned modern con. + +Our friend Nix asked why Moses and the Jews were the best-bred people in +the world? + +Another wished to know why meat should always be served rare? + +Both these individuals, however, refused to give the solution until the +next meeting of the assembled company. Others were more obliging, but as +their riddles were mostly old friends, somebody knew the answers and +revealed them. It is a mistake to suppose that a good thing ought not to +be repeated more than once. There are certain funny things that we +remember for the last twenty years, and yet we never recall them without +enjoying a hearty laugh. We have read Holmes's _Autocrat of the +Breakfast-Table_ once every six months, ever since it was published, and +enjoy it better each time. We have been working away at the +_Sparrowgrass Papers_ for years, and yet we raise just as good a crop of +laughter from them as ever. These books resemble some of our rich +Western lands: they are inexhaustible. So when one of the company asked, +"When does a sculptor die of a fit?" we waited quietly for the answer, +"When he makes faces and busts," and laughed as heartily as though it +were quite new, although we had been intimate with the old con ever +since it was made, some fifteen years ago. We even enjoyed the +time-honored riddle: "What was Joan of Arc made of?" "Why, she was Maid +of Orleans, of course." But then this was put by a seraph with amber +eyes, and a very bewildering way of using them. The success attending +this effort seemed to stimulate the gentleman in gold spectacles, who +rushed into the arena with the inquiry: "What was Eve made for?" Most of +us knew the answer well enough, but we waited politely to let him +deliver it himself. Our surprise may be readily conceived when he +informed us, with evident glee, that "she was made for Harnden's Express +Company." Some looked blank, and others tittered, whilst Nix explained +to the ladies the true solution. It was for Adam's Express Company that +Eve was made. After this followed in quick succession a shower of +riddles, some of them so abominably bad, that an old gentleman, who did +not seem to take kindly to that sort of amusement, gave the +finishing-stroke to the entertainment by the annexed: + +Question. "Why is an apple-tart like a slipper?" + +Answer. "Because you can put your foot in it--if you like." + +After that we all went home. + + + + +CHAPTER VI. + + +A friend of ours, Dudley Wegger, who recently gave an extemporaneous +entertainment, amongst other things, devised a new kind of play, of such +exceedingly simple construction that we have judged it expedient to put +it on record. It must be observed that it is his _method_ especially +which we applaud and recommend, and further be it observed, that we +applaud and recommend it on account of no other excellence save that of +simplicity. + +Mr. Wegger possessed the power of imitating one or two popular actors. +He had read our instructions on _make-up_--viz.: curled hair, turn-up +nose, high shoulders, etc., and from these slender materials he made the +body of his play. As soon as we arrived, he seized upon ourself, dragged +us into a back room, put a hideous mask on our face (which smelt +painfully of glue and brown paper, by the way), and then commanded us to +don sundry articles of female attire--to wit, a hat and gown. To our +earnest appeals as to what we were to do, he only replied: + +"Oh, nothing; just come on the stage, kick about, and answer my +questions. You hold the stage and talk to the audience, whilst I go off +and change my dress." + +This we pledged ourself to do, and were nearly suffocated in the mask as +a consequence. + +When the curtain rose, Wegger marched on the stage attired in blue coat, +brass buttons, striped pantaloons, yellow vest, and stylish hat stuck on +one side. In his hand he held a small walking-cane, with which he +frequently slapped his leg. This was the walking-gentleman part. + +"Egad! here I am at last, after the fastest run across country on +record. Slipped the Billies, took flying hollow at a leap, gave my +admirable aunt the go-by, extracted the governor's lynch-pin, sent them +all sprawling in the ditch, just in time to be picked up by old Hodge, +the carrier, jogging along with his blind mare and rumbling old +shandrydan. Gad, Mortimer, you are a sad rogue! I must turn over a new +leaf, ecod! become steady, forget kissing and claret, go to church, read +the _Times_, and in fact, become a respectable member of society. Ah, +ha, ha! What has brought me here? Gad, I deserve success. Heard from my +valet last night that certain lady just come into immense fortune; +lovely as she is wealthy, Venus and an heiress; total stranger, no means +of procuring introduction; hired coach and four, gave post-boy guinea, +told drive like devil, and here I am in a strange country, a strange +house, and amongst strange people, to kill or conquer, _veni, vidi, +vici_! Ha! ha! ha! first in the field--fair start and a free run; back +myself at long odds to be in at the death. But gad! here she comes, the +country Hebe, the pastoral Venus, the naiad of turnip-tops and +mangel-wurzel. + + Enter _Heiress_ (ourself). + +Gad! she is a devilish fine-looking woman. I must approach her +(_advances_). Have I the honor to address the Lady Cicily de Rhino?" + +_Lady Cicily de Rhino._ "You get eout!" + +_Mortimer_ (aside). "Charming! Gad! I am over head and ears in love +already. Oh, bright divinity, why hide those radiant charms in sylvan +shades, when charms of fashion and bon-ton beckon you away! With me your +life shall be one live-long summer's day, and you and I two butterflies +sipping sweet nectar from the ruby rims of endless brimming goblets. +Say you'll be mine! A chaise awaits us, and on the wings of love we'll +fly away! Say, charmer, say the word, and I am your slave for life." + +_Lady Cicily de Rhino._ "Wal, slavery's bin abolished even in New +Jersey--guess you forgot that. However, I don't keer if I do; jist hold +on till I git my things." + + [Exit. + +_Mortimer._ "Gad! I took the citadel by storm--but some one approaches; +I must withdraw for a moment." + + [Withdraws. + + Re-enter _Lady C._, with bundle and umbrella. + +_Lady C._ "Wal, if the young man arn't gone; now that's mean." + + Enter _Reginald Spooneigh_ (Wegger, in a new dress). + +_Reginald._ "Kynde fortune has thrown me in the angel's path. The belue +skuye already smyles more beounteously on my poor fate. Fayer laydee, +turn not away those gentle eyes, that e'en the turtle-dove might sigh, +and dying, envy, envying, die of envy." + +_Lady C._ "Oh, git eout!" + +_Reginald._ "Say not so, fair laydee. A wanderer on this cruel earth, a +lover of the sweet songs of birds, the murmuring of streams, the gay +garb of nature, from mighty mountain-tops to rustling glens. I bring an +aching spirit seeking sympathy to thee." + +_Lady C._ "Dew tell!" + +_Reginald._ "A sympathetic heart within your bosom burns; say, let it +beat in unison with mine?" + +_Lady C._ "Well, I don't keer if I do; only hurry up, there's some one +coming." + +_Reginald._ "Coming? sayest though; then will I retire for a brief +space." + + [Retires. + +_Lady C._ "He seems a pretty nice kind or young man, tho' he ain't got +so much style into him as tother feller. Wal, them folks didn't come +this way arter all, so he'd no call to be so scart," etc., etc. + + Enter _General Hab-grabemall_ (Wegger again). + +_General._ "Thunder and Mars! I thought I should never have got here. +Road as dusty as a canteen of ashes; coach as slow as a commissary mule. +Had half a mind to bivouac on the roadside--make a fire of the +axletrees, and roast the postilion for dinner. But shells and rockets! I +must beat up the quarters of this fair one, or some jackanapes civilian +will be stealing a march upon me (sees _Lady C._). Gad! there she is! I +must make a charge on her left wing. Hey! my little beauty, here's a +battered old soldier, wounded everywhere except in his heart, crying +surrender at your first fire. He yields himself prisoner-of-war, and +gives up his untarnished sword to you and you alone." + +_Lady C._ "Wal, I ain't no use for swords, and there are summeny solgers +straggling round now with old weppins--" + +_General._ "I have fought for my king and country through many a burning +summer noon, and many an Arctic winter night, and now I would plant my +laurels in the sunshine of your eyes, that they may bring forth bright +blossoms." + +_Lady C._ "Wal, if them's the case, they makes a difference." + +_General_ (aside). "Now for a bold charge! (aloud). Share, oh fairest of +your sex, my niche in the Temple of Fame, my hand and heart as true as +steel. Say, will you accept a rough old soldier's hand and a +Major-General's cocked hat." + +_Lady C._ "Wal, I don't mind if I dew, only don't you fool me as them +other fellers did." + +_General._ "What, blood and ouns! have any fellers dared to fool the +fairest of her sex. I will demand satisfaction; where are they?" + + [Exit. + +_Lady C._ "I want to know! Ef the Genrl ain't gone off to whip them two +fellers! O my! won't there be a muss, jest. But Lor! he'd no call to be +so mad about it. I didn't keer. + + (_Sings_)--"When the moon is on the mountain, + My heart it is with you, + And stirring thoughts come stirring up + The extra oyster stew." + + Enter _Adolphus Tinkletop_ (Wegger again). + +_Adolphus._ "Well I declare, if here ain't a feminine young woman of the +female persuasion a-singing a song. Go on, most charming of your sex, +and I'll jine in the chorus. But hold! pause--be calm, Tinkletop: this +must be she, the lovely heiress I have come in search of. The young and +lovely female heiress, who has just dropt into a very large fortune in +silver and gold, sing tooral lol, looral, lol looral le day. Tinkletop, +my boy, you are a lucky fellow. I think I may venture to remark, without +any immediate dread of contradiction, that I am an exceedingly fortunate +individual. I must put on my most insinuating manner without further +procrastination, which is the thief of time. Ah! ahem! how shall I +begin? Ahem! how de do, my dear? How's the folks?" + +_Lady C._ "Purty well; how's yourself?" + +_Adolphus._ "Oh! I'm exceedingly well; remarkably well; excessively +well. I've quite got over that pain in my chest." + +_Lady C._ "Ye don't say!" + +_Adolphus._ "Fact! Hembold's Cosmos cured me immediately, if not sooner. +Oh, yes! I'm all right, thank ye. But excuse me, young woman. I've come +down here on a little matter of business of the highest importance. Your +name is Lady Cicily Rhino?" + +_Lady C._ "Wal, 'taint nothin' else." + +_Adolphus._ "That is precisely what I want to arrive at. I am in the +dry-goods business, than which there is no higher social position in the +world. I am not rich, but I expect to be. Of my personal appearance you +can form a more just and adequate opinion than any language of mine +could convey. In other words, I am more easily conceived than described. +Now, the question is, whether you will accept my hand and heart." + +_Lady C._ "Wal, I don't keer if I do." + +_Adolphus._ "Most charming little pippetsy poppetsy; let me embrace +those virgin lips." + +_Lady C._ "Oh, lor! Now wait a minute." (Turns her head away bashfully, +and puts up her umbrella. Both parties retire behind the umbrella, when +a loud smack is heard--such a smack as has been compared to the noise +produced by a horse dragging his foot out of a mud-hole. Then both +strike an attitude with the umbrella between them, and the curtain +descends in a blaze of red light.) + + THE END. + +Now if this is not a simple way of building a drama, we are no judge. + +Our adjoining illustration represents the interview between General +Hab-grabemall and the lady. The General acquires a gigantic appearance +by tying a folded shawl or small pillow on each shoulder before he puts +on his cloak; his face is made up chiefly of curled hair and diachylon. +Reginald Spooneigh has long flaxen hair, made out of some rope +unravelled for the purpose, and sewed on to a tightly-fitting cap, +moustache and beard to match, and turn-down collar. The rest of his +attire may be in any style most convenient. + +Mr. Tinkletop is remarkable for a red nose, turned up, and one tooth +missing (both according to our prescription given in a previous +chapter). His vest and cravat are of bright colors, and his coat also, +if possible. + +[Illustration: PRIVATE THEATRICALS.--_See page 80._] + + + + +CHAPTER VII. + + +Mankind in general, and we modern Americans in particular, are +perpetually striving to come a "gouge game" over nature. We feel that +this expression is very slangy and low-lived, but as none other seems so +precisely to convey our idea, we must for once borrow a phrase from the +ring and the race-course. So we repeat that we are, most of us, +perpetually striving to "gouge" nature; but nature is too smart for us, +and will not allow herself to be fooled by any clumsy device it is in +our power to invent. Nature starts us in the business of life with a +certain amount of capital in mental, physical, and nervous power; and +just so much capacity for enjoyment; and we, instead of investing this +in the best manner to produce the largest legitimate amount of interest, +are perpetually engaged in trying some "dodge" whereby we may spend the +capital and still draw the interest. A young man starts in business +with the resolution that he will make a fortune in such and such a +number of years, and then he will retire while he is still young, and +lead the most glorious life mortal ever knew. And so he _pitches in_, +buys, sells, wheedles, bullies, tricks, cheats, works night and day, +without any let-up at all. There will be plenty of time, he thinks, for +recreation when he has made his fortune. Then he will go to Europe, +build himself a house on the Hudson, buy the fastest pair of horses, +cultivate society, purchase pictures, and be supremely happy. The years +trot on, but the hopeful man finds it is slower work making a _pile_ +than he thought; or perhaps he raises his figure, so he sets to work +with renewed vigor. His nerves are allowed no rest to recover their +tone; his stomach is allowed no leisure to perform its work; his body +gets no healthful exercise; and his soul no ray of light from the +beautiful and lovable. "There will be time for all these things by and +by, when he has made that two hundred thousand dollars." At last the sum +is made, though our hopeful man is a few years older than he intended he +should be on retiring. Still the money is made, and he is going to enjoy +it. He builds himself a fine house in the country, with "lots of style +into it," and plants around it a number of small trees, which will be +of decent size about twenty years after he is buried. But that is of no +consequence--there is beautiful scenery all around. But what is this the +rich man discovers? Why, that the trees and hills and streams are not +the same that they were when he was young. He finds, too, that pictures +"don't amount to much." He is rather nervous about driving fast horses; +and as to society, he has got quite out of the way of that whilst making +his fortune. He finds that collecting round one congenial and agreeable +people is a work of time and care, besides which, there is no society in +the country any way. Then his wife hates the country. So our rich man +sells his house in the country, returns to the city, and enters into +some new business operations just to pass the time away; having made the +melancholy discovery that whilst engaged in acquiring means, he has lost +the capacity for enjoyment. The fact is, nature will not stand much +nonsense. If you think you are going to work her without mercy or +consideration the best part of your life, and then expect that she will +gaily bear you on her back, sporting through valleys of delight, you are +very much mistaken. + +Another man thinks he will get the maximum enjoyment out of life by aid +of wine, and so he mortgages his whole capacity of enjoyment for a few +years' excessive excitement, and is amazingly surprised when he finds +himself a bankrupt. Nature will not cash his draft at any price. He is +not aware that every thrill of pleasure derived from excessive +stimulating has to be paid for with usury. Others again fancy they will +get ahead of nature by forcing the minds of their children as they would +cucumbers; but after an incalculable amount of trouble, expense, and +cruelty, the child comes of age a bankrupt, mentally and physically. The +soil has run out; it can produce no more--and what wonder! It was never +allowed to lie fallow; it was never renewed; and now it is fit for +little or nothing. + +These are some of the ways in which we attempt to _gouge_ nature. We +overtax her in every way, until we _drive the willing horse to death_, +and then our journey ends; all the load of fine goods we have been to +market for, must be dumped into the mud for the next traveller coming +along with a fresh horse. + +Now, one great aim of this book on "Fireside Amusements," is to persuade +people to let up on nature. We should all be so much healthier, so much +kinder, so much better Christians, if we would only amuse ourselves and +each other a good deal more. We should get such infinitely better work +out of ourselves, and more of it, so that we should be richer into the +bargain. No man can expect to win the race with a jaded horse. Suppose +you owned Flora Temple, and in your eagerness to make money, should +oblige her to run two or three races every day; why, the chances are you +would lose every time, and soon be a beggar. But suppose you only match +her at proper intervals, when she is fresh and in good condition; you +don't run so many races, but you win every time. Why should you treat +yourself so much worse than a horse? Is it because you are ----? No, you +have simply adopted a bad national custom. + + +AUNTY DELLUVIAN GIVES A PARTY. + +We have a female relative whom we have playfully christened Aunty +Delluvian--an old-fashioned person, who is particularly opposed to all +"new-fangled notions," who loves the "good old times" and "good old +ways;" who thinks there are no young men nowadays to compare with +those of her day. She tells how straight they used to carry themselves, +and she draws herself bolt upright and throws back her shoulders +to give effect to her words, and "they didn't wear those nasty +things--pshaw!--over their lips." She has never become reconciled to +moustaches. She thinks, too, the girls are not so pretty nowadays as +they used to be; then, their cheeks were so bright and red, "just like +roses," and their eyes were so bright they fairly snapped and twinkled; +"but now, my dear, it's all dough and boiled gooseberries--dough and +boiled gooseberries!" She tells us, too, of many persons, long since +gone, among whom stands, out in bold relief and heroic proportions one +'Squire Dexter. Then there is another person, Sally Mason, of whom we +hear repeatedly, who must have been a very deceitful character, from +what Aunty Delluvian tells us. But why does she take such pains to tell +us so much about Sally Mason, and to convince us that she was not pretty +"one mite," only "she had those forward, pushing ways with her, my dear, +which men find out sooner or later, my dear, and 'Squire Dexter found +her out at last, to his sorrow." Why does she tell us this, and ask our +opinion as to whether getting into a seat in a gig, which had been +expressly reserved for another person, was not conduct unworthy of a +girl of proper modesty and self-respect? When we answer, as we +invariably do, with feigned surprise that such conduct "would be +unpardonable," she straightens herself up, saying: "Well, my dear, Sally +Mason did just that thing!" Why does Aunty Delluvian consult us on this +point, and many other trivial points concerning the proper conduct of a +"modest, right-minded maiden?" It is hard to say. But, though we laugh +and quizz Aunty Delluvian about many things, we feel that this is, +somehow or another, sacred ground, and tread gently over the graves of +her dead memories. + +Aunty Delluvian is a great favorite in our circle. She has many stories +to tell, popular legends in her girlhood, of General George Washington +and the Hessians and Red-Coats; and though she does not understand the +humor of the present day, she knows some very funny verses by George +Coleman the Younger, and some riddles of the composite order of +architecture. + +Well, Aunty Delluvian has taken quite an interest in our theory on +"Fireside Amusements." She thinks its tendency good, for, as she justly +observes, "young people are far too stuck up nowadays; too stuck up, my +dear." So, in the goodness of her heart, the other evening she gave a +little party, built on our principle, which we herewith beg to report. + +At the back of her old-fashioned country-house spreads a green lawn, +surrounded by old apple and cherry-trees, with trunks as big round as +the body of a horse. On this lawn she gave her party. When we arrived we +found tables spread out with a goodly array of eatables and drinkables, +the aroma of the tea mingled with the songs of the birds, whilst the +perfume of the ripe strawberries, the grape-jelly, the steaming +biscuits, and the hundred other country delicacies, blended harmoniously +with the chirp of the crickets and the drone of the bees. It was a +pretty, a very pretty sight; the long rows of snow-white table-cloth, +the old china, the shining silver and steel, the glittering glass, the +mountains of red strawberries surrounded by grape-leaves, and the +innumerable nosegays of bright flowers. Not far off, in the little +barn-yard, we heard the "peet-peet," of the young chickens, whilst the +occasional double-bass of the family cow gave delightful assurance of +the freshness of the milk and the purity of the cream. Aunty Delluvian, +clad in brown silk with full sleeves and scanty skirt, was all bustle +and smiles. Her old handmaiden, and hired boy from the farm-yard, and +two women who were strangers in the land of Delluvian, aided with +enthusiasm. + +Between forty and fifty persons, little (some very little) and big (some +very big), sat down to tea, and did generously by the repast. The meal +concluded, _dignity_ received informal notice to quit, and all pitched +in to clear away the things. A circle of humanity formed itself, and +behold the noble sport of "Oats, peas, beans, and barley grows." +Leading moral philosophers, eminent divines, weather-beaten old vikings, +gallant soldiers, and care-worn editors, sowed their seed, took their +ease, stamped their feet, clapped their hands, viewed their lands, and, +after waiting for a partner, became united in the bonds of juvenile +matrimony with little curly-headed toddlers, and seemed to enjoy the fun +just as much as though they had never looked into a Greek lexicon, heard +the boom of cannon, or written a leader. + +We would like to dwell long upon this merry-making under the sky, for +there occurred enough pretty incidents and enough funny things out there +to bear telling for a week; but our mission is to instruct our friends +how to amuse others; so we must pass from the romps in the open air to +the amusements which took place inside, after darkness had driven the +merry-makers from the lawn. + +First in order came a great duck, chiefly made out of a boy and a sheet. +First of all we were requested to introduce the bird, and expatiate to +the company on its qualities. For who, they said, could speak better on +the virtues of a _great canard_ than an editor? Some one, however, +maliciously mentioned that the family doctor, Mr. Pillules, was the best +person to show up a _quack_. Some one else argued that some lady would +be better qualified to speak on Ducks; but no lady could be found with +courage enough to attempt the task, so it was finally agreed that Dr. +Pillules and ourself should deliver a double-barrelled speech. This +novel idea was, of course, rapturously received, so the doctor and +editor were compelled, _nolens volens_, to stand up and deliver, which +we did something after the following manner: + +[Illustration] + +_Doctor._ "This bird which you now see before you, ladies and gentlemen, +is one of those detestable creatures known as the _Canard_. This +specimen was recently captured down South by some of the brave soldiers +in General Grant's army on the occasion of that gentleman's recent visit +to Richmond. This bird was formally the property of several newspaper +editors, and was used by them for the purpose of raising fowl for the +English market, where--" + +_Editor._ "They found a ready sale, being served up in the columns of +the _Times_ with peace-pudding, and subsequently rehashed with coal lies +and bully sauce, to satisfy the cravings of the British public. This +curious bird has, however--" + +_Doctor._ "Fallen into disrepute of late, and the people of England will +have to take a big dose of truth (a very unpleasant thing to an +Englishman) to counteract the disease which their gross indulgence in +the flesh of this foul bird has engendered; they will likewise--" + +_Editor._ "Be obliged to confine their diet to the wholesome but +unsavory humble pie. A kind of pie--" + +_Doctor._ "We have often prescribed for them before. However, the +cloud-capped summits of the mountains of Jehoshaphat--" + +_Editor_ (a little nonplussed). "May have _summit_ to do with the +question, and then again they may not. We are inclined to think that +Jehoshaphat was not half so fat as John Bull, and would have scorned to +eat a canard anyhow, particularly one raised by "niggers," and hatched +by steam; a bird which Shakspeare justly remarked--" + +_Doctor_ (a little puzzled this time). "Didn't know _beans_, or at all +events did not care about that wholesome and nutritious vegetable, +preferring to pick up the sentiments falling from the lips of Bull Run +Russell, or the revolting food provided for travellers at refreshment +saloons on the Camden and Amboy Railway, which, as every one knows--" + +_Editor._ "Are simply provided by that company to kill off transient +citizens of loyal States, which they do as effectually as the greatest +quack, even were he as large as the specimen now before us. I do not of +course refer to our friend the----" + +How long this double-barrelled speech might have continued, this +chronicle cannot say, had not the duck at this moment declared, in very +plain English, that "Oh thunder! he couldn't stand it any longer, he was +getting tired," which terminated _that_ part of the entertainment. + +[Illustration] + +[Illustration] + +The latent principle, the motive power, the core, the occult substratum +of the duck is, of course, as in the case of the _vulgaris pueris_--a +small boy. The mode of transforming him into a duck needs scarcely any +explanation; the illustrations save all that trouble. A board tied on +the youth's back, a sufficiency of wadding in the way of rags, and a +sheet properly arranged over all; then a ball of rags, with a couple of +sticks for the bill, making the head, and a newspaper cut into strips +representing the tail, and web-feet cut out of brown paper--and there is +your duck! The next thing in order for the evening's entertainment +proved to be a little dwarf, who was exhibited on a table. He made a +speech, danced a jig, took snuff, and altogether made himself very +amusing and entertaining. The mode of manufacturing this _lusus naturæ_ +is, as usual, with the substratum of small boy. The small boy paints a +pair of moustaches on his upper lip and puts a pair of boots on his +hands, resting his booted hands on a table, whilst a taller person +stands behind him and reaches his arms over the first one's shoulders, +as represented in the engraving; then a loose cloak or great-coat or +shawl is arranged about the dwarf so as to allow the arms of No. 2 to +project and appear as if they belonged to No. 1. This performance should +take place in a window or doorway, where a curtain can be so arranged as +to hide the head and body of No. 2. Then you have the dwarf all +complete, as represented in the annexed sketch. It is almost impossible +to describe this performance with precision, as much of the arrangement +must be left to the intelligence of the exhibitor. The dwarf, however, +we may state, is very easily made when you once get the idea. + +[Illustration] + +Aunty Delluvian was very much amused with the dwarf; it reminded her of +a trick that was played on her mother's father--who was once Governor of +Massachusetts--and described by her uncle George, who was such a droll +fellow, _he always had some of his puns to get off_. She did not +remember the story exactly, but it was something about a dwarf being +served up in a pie at the Governor's table, in such a way that the dwarf +popped out when the Governor was about to carve the pie. "Oh! it was +such a funny story; if you could only have heard her uncle George tell +it," and Aunty Delluvian went into silent convulsions of laughter at the +bare memory of the exquisite humor of uncle George's narration. "But +that was before your time, my dear; and between you and me, the young +men are very dull nowadays, with their cigars, and their moustaches, and +their fiddle-faddle--but mum, mum, my dear," and Aunty Delluvian laid +her fingers on her lips, as though she had been communicating a most +important secret. As to the dwarf of this evening, having no control +over his hands, for the reason that they belonged to the person behind +him, he was subject to the most grievous annoyance from those members; +they would persist in pulling his own nose to a fearful extent, and +performing that manual evolution known as taking a sight in the middle +of his prettiest speech to the ladies; he, however, enjoyed a limited +revenge on one of these occasions by catching the extended thumb between +his teeth and doing something to it, the nature of which could only be +inferred from the howl of agony proceeding from the person immediately +behind him, and a general dislocation and disintegration of his various +members, which occurred amidst the shouts of the spectators. + +A slight pause ensuing on the completion of the dwarf performance, +afforded an opportunity to the young man in gold spectacles to come upon +the stage. He had something very ingenious to show us. It was a trick +performed with four small seeds, and was invented by a certain poor +tutor at one of the English universities. Although exceedingly simple, +no one had been able to discover the secret, when finally some English +nobleman, whose name he mentioned, gave the poor tutor five hundred +pounds to reveal the mystery. Having concluded this little introduction, +the gentleman in gold spectacles turned to Aunty Delluvian, and asked +her if she would be kind enough to let him have four grains of rice. +"Lor' bless the man! to be sure I will, as much as ever you like!" +exclaimed Aunty, in the fulness of her generous heart, as she turned +round and called to the servant at the other end of the room: "Here, +Katy, fetch up what was left of that cold rice-pudding we had +yesterday." The gentleman in gold spectacles hastily explained that he +did not wish the rice to be boiled, and four grains would be ample. +However, Aunty Delluvian insisted upon all the rice in the establishment +being produced. The gentleman in gold spectacles selected four grains, +and throwing them on the table, challenged us to arrange them in such a +manner that _each grain should be precisely the same distance from +every other grain_, and yet the grains not touch each other. We all took +our turn till we were tired, and then gave it up, save a couple of +determined fellows, who requested they might have till their next +meeting to find it out, which respite was accordingly granted. + +We were now tumultuously beset with demands for the solution of two +riddles in our last chapter. First came the question: "Why were Moses +and the Jews the best bred people in the world?" + +Answer. "Because they got their manna (manner) from heaven." + +The second was: "Why meat should always be cooked rare?" + +Answer. "Because what is _done_ cannot be _helped_." + +After this came cakes and nuts and cider. Aunty Delluvian thought nuts +and cider could never come amiss, and we agree with her when the cider +is such as she produced, clear, fruity, sparkling, which, as it courses +down your gullet, seems like health incarnate, and as far superior to +that bedevilled liquid which city boobies call champagne, and pay three +dollars a bottle for, as faith is to smartness. So ended our evening at +Aunty Delluvian's. + + + + +CHAPTER VIII. + + +The Highlanders are a hardy race, inhabiting the north of Scotland. They +are brave, hospitable, and exceedingly fond of dancing. + +When you reflect that a very moderate nigger _used_ to fetch one +thousand dollars, it will be exhilarating to know that you can have a +Highlander, with all his natural characteristics, for nothing. Yet such +is our proposition to you on the present occasion. + +Will you have him for nothing? + +We assume, of course, that you have at least one hand. A foot will not +answer. + +You have a hand? + +Well! + +Get an old glove and cut off the thumb and fingers to about the extent +represented in the annexed diagram. + +Place the glove on your hand, and then hold your hand in the position +represented below. You will now have a general idea of what is to +constitute the substratum of the Highlander. + +[Illustration] + +[Illustration] + +Now make a pair of little socks to fit your first and second fingers. +Here is a picture of the style in which they should be gotten up. These +socks can be made of white linen or calico, and painted with +water-colors of the desired pattern--the shoes black and the socks +plaid. If the colors are mixed with very little water they will not run +on the cloth. We suggest water-colors because the plaid can be very +neatly represented by cross lines of red and green. If, however, you +have no water-colors, you can stitch the stockings across with red and +green thread. It will be well to bear in mind that as your second finger +is longer than the first, the stocking for the first must be stuffed out +with cotton or wool to make it equal in length to the second. + +[Illustration: THE HIGHLANDER TRICK.--_See page 101._] + +[Illustration] + +Now make a careful copy of our full-page picture opposite; stitch it on +to the back of the glove; put the socks on your fingers, and your +Highlander is ready to dance, as represented in the above cut. + +You move about the fingers, simulating a man dancing the Highland-fling +or double-shuffle, and the result will be very curious and eminently +satisfactory. + +[Illustration] + +Another variation of the same performance can be made, which will save +the trouble of drawing a Highlander. It is done thus: You procure a kid +glove, and cut it down as before. You will see by the subjoined cut how +the hand looks with the glove on before it has been fixed up. A white +kid glove is best, because on the white kid you can paint almost the +entire dress with water-colors--blue vest, red sash, and black +pantaloons. A little piece of some gay rag must, however, be stitched on +each side to represent the jacket; the chief object of the jacket being +to hide the knuckles of the third and fourth fingers. + +[Illustration] + +Now, having fixed your glove and put it on, paint on your hand a face in +the style of the following sketch, and your dancing Spaniard, or +Terpsichorean Matadore, is ready for action. The glove forms a complete +suit (barring the boots), which you can slip off and on with the +greatest ease at pleasure. + +If you have not a white kid glove wherewith to make the dress of the +above-mentioned gentleman, you will have to sew a small piece of calico +or paper in the proper place, for the shirt. You will also be obliged +to make him a vest out of some little scrap of red or blue silk; in +short, you must use your needle instead of your paint-brush. But this is +plain enough and needs no further explanation. + +[Illustration] + +There is one more item, however, which we must mention. It will be found +rather difficult to paint moustaches on the hand so as to give them the +right merry expression. The teeth, which lend so much life to the face, +are troublesomely small to represent. We therefore think it best to draw +a pair of moustaches exactly similar to the ones we subjoin, which can +be made to stick in their place by the aid of a little diaclon or +shoemaker's wax. + + + + +CHAPTER IX. + + +The scientific gentleman at our last meeting bewildered us all with four +grains of rice. It will be remembered that he challenged us to arrange +those four seeds in such a manner that each should be an equal distance +from each, and yet not touch each other. Did we belong to the betting +class, we would be willing to wager a moderately-sized cobble-stone that +not one of our readers has yet solved the problem. It is explained thus: +You lay three of the seeds on the table in the form of an equilateral +triangle; then taking the fourth seed between the finger and thumb, you +hold it above the other three, in the position represented in diagram on +page 106. In this way, and this alone, can the objects be so arranged as +to be each equidistant from each. It is a very simple matter when once +explained, but we never yet knew any one to find it out. + +[Illustration] + +Our friend Nix is in very fervid condition concerning a new picturesque +trick he has learned. It is an old affair, but very funny, and consists +in making an old woman's face with your fist, and is done as follows: +You double your fist, as represented in the above diagram, and draw on +it a face as also represented. + +[Illustration] + +Then you make a species of hood something like a mitten, with a hole in +the side, around which hole you sew a frill, to make it look like a cap, +which we also illustrate with a diagram. The mitten is placed on the +hand, and a shawl pinned carefully round it, as shown in our diagram on +page 108, and you have the old woman complete. + +[Illustration] + +Now, in order to make the old woman appear to speak, you must move the +knuckle of the thumb up and down, at the same time simulate a cracked, +squeaky old voice. By moving your thumb in time to your voice, the +illusion becomes perfect. You can, of course, make the old woman say +whatever you please; but the more emphatic the style of her +conversation the better, as you can make the jaw more energetic, and the +pauses more marked. The conversation might commence something in this +style (you in your natural tone of voice): "Well, aunty, how are _you_ +to-day?" + +[Illustration] + +Aunty Grummidge: "How am I? Ah! Hum! I'm well enough if it warn't for +them plaguey boys! Drat the boys! Heavin' stones at my geese! I'll geese +them, if I ketch 'em! Drat 'em! and tramplin' all over my string-beans! +Drat 'em! I'll string-bean 'em, if I ketch hold of 'em! And then the +pesky young warmints callin' me old Dot-and-go-one! I'll old +Dot-and-go-one them, if I ketch hold of 'em." + +It will require a little practice to keep time between the thumb and the +voice; but by making the phrases short and emphatic, it will be soon +learned. When the old woman has done talking, you can stick a pipe in +her mouth, and make her look quite comfortable. + + + + +CHAPTER X. + + +"_In those days there were giants._" Those days were the days when our +mother was a young lady, and, as we devoutly believe, the most beautiful +woman of her period; when our father's side-whiskers were glossy black; +when he wore his hat just a _leetle_ bit on one side, and when they +twain used now and then to go forth magnificently arrayed after the +lamps were lit, to balls and parties, whilst we little ones sat up in +our white beds to receive the parting kiss and injunction flavored with +blessings and _eau de cologne_. In those days, we repeat, there were +giants. Giants in our story-books, giants in our young imaginations, +mere suckers from the parent stem of the story-books, but terrible in +their proportions. There were giants, too, in our narrow path, springing +out of our waywardness and evil passions, and the evil passions of +others; there were giants, too, on the road to knowledge; oh, such +monstrous giants all of them, far bigger and fiercer than any we ever +met in after life. But there was another giant of a far different sort, +who used to make his appearance at our little parties about +Christmas-time, and in sustaining whose character we have over and over +again sweltered and staggered and suffered martyrdom the most terrible. +Still he was a pleasant giant (particularly to the upper-story boy), and +welcome to the whole company. He had a very youthful look, in spite of +his ferocious moustache; his hat had a tendency to drop over his eyes +and his gait was erratic; though his proportions inspired awe in the +hearts of the tiny portion of the audience. We have but rarely met this +gentleman in later days, partially, we fancy, from a difficulty in +procuring legs; we have observed a growing disinclination in persons to +perform these members; indeed, we have ourself shrunk several times from +the task. It is, indeed, an ordeal rather severe, after partaking +heartily of Christmas dinner, and, perhaps, generously of wine, to walk +about a hot room with a warm boy on your shoulders, and your entire +person--head, face, and all--enveloped in a heavy cloak or overcoat, and +not a breath of fresh air to be taken under penalty of _spoiling the +giant_. + +A small and cool boy is placed on the shoulders of a man or boy who is +stout in the legs; a long military cloak or overcoat is thrown over the +two, and the monster is made. You can embelish him with moustaches, a +hat, and a long walking-cane, and then you will have the creature +complete, as represented in the picture opposite. + +[Illustration: HOW TO MAKE A GIANT.--_See page 112._] + + + + +CHAPTER XI. + + +[Illustration] + +Folly is better than physic. If no one ever made this aphorism before, +we at once lay claim to and include it in our copyright; entered +according to act of Congress in the clerk's office, and all the rest of +it. A good old-fashioned time we had of it last Christmas evening at the +house of our friend Nix. What a happy, merry, jolly crowd of noodles, +ninnies, judies, tomfools, and undignified people we were to be sure! +Nix gave himself unheard-of moustaches and eyebrows with India-ink, and +then washed himself into the likeness of a boss chimney-sweep, in which +condition he remained the whole evening, and came to business the next +day with a faint tinge of the dusty pigment under his left ear, although +he averred that he had parboiled himself over night with scalding soap +and water in honest efforts to remove the oriental stain. + +At this distance of time it would be hard to recall who were the guests +at this tomfool's festival, even had we ever known them all; but a +fluttering of little faces and pink sashes, and very bunchy frocks +suggestive of new crinoline--indeed, now we think of it, one _wee_ thing +told us emphatically she had on a "noo hoop-stirt," and raised her short +red frock to show us the inestimable treasure; and that again reminds us +of another toddler, of the masculine persuasion, who thrice called our +attention to his new boots, and once requested us to feel the soles +where his mother had scratched them with her scissors to prevent his +slipping on the carpets. But, as we were saying, a certain confused +picture of fluttering pink sashes, bunchy crinoline, blue eyes, and +flushed cheeks, is one of the _chefs-d'oeuvre_ in the private gallery +of our memory, and was nearly all we carried away from that foolish +Christmas carnival. We remember, though, Aunty Delluvian, in all the +pomp, pride, and circumstance of a dress which might have been described +by some fashionable _modiste_ of fifty years ago, but before which the +steel nibs of a modern pen grow parched and gape inkless in their course +over the _cream laid_. We can state that it was of silk, and very thick, +and rustled, and had an odor, not of myrrh--for that we have purchased +at the drug stores as being good for the gums--though perhaps of +frankincense, but certainly of some Eastern perfume; and there our +descriptive capacity ends. Concerning certain gems and trinkets, also +worn by that worthy lady, we are equally humble and bewildered; but if +our memory serves us rightly, they were chiefly of pale and yellow +stones surrounded by pearls, and of oval and slender forms, save one +sombre brooch (she wore in the neck of her dress under a bow of ribbon), +which has hair in it, and was shown us as a rare piece of workmanship +and a great relic; indeed, Aunty Delluvian informed us, very +confidentially, that a person by the name of Sally Mason would have +given her ears to possess it once--from which we judged it to be of +great value. + +The scientific gentleman was there; and others "too numerous to +mention," as the advertisements say. One of the company, whom we had +never met before, left a particular impression on our mind, partly +because he came from a far-off land, with a large budget of strange +knowledge and exotic ideas, and partly because he showed us a quite +curious and simple little toy. Among other things he expatiated on the +dexterity of the Australasian savages in the use of the boomerang, which +they would throw in such a way as to make it skim entirely around a +house and return to their feet. He told us that one of these savages +would seize his boomerang and send it whirling into a flock of parrots, +bringing down half a dozen of the birds, and then return to his feet. He +added that parrot-pie was excellent eating; a statement which sent a +thrill of indignation through the juvenile portion of the company. The +idea of cooking birds that say "Pretty Poll!" While the young were +indignant, many of the elders felt incredulous, touching the boomerang; +one person, indeed, delicately hinting that "throwing the boomerang" +must be the Australasian equivalent of our expression "pulling the long +bow;" but Aunty Delluvian, who had just heard the latter part of the +discourse, came gallantly to the rescue (she had taken rather a _notion_ +to the young Australian). She assured the company that there could be +no doubt of the existence of the boomerang, for an uncle of hers had on +a certain occasion brought one from China, and that it grew so tame that +it would come and feed out of your hand. This statement, as may be +supposed, produced a profound sensation, which good breeding alone +prevented from being an explosion. Several persons present tried to hush +the matter up by suggesting that the good lady probably confounded the +instrument in question with a baboon or orang-outang. But Aunty +Delluvian would listen to nothing of the kind; _no compromises for her_. +"Bless the child, she had seen it with her own eyes, and it went all +round the house and came back to her feet, and caught the pigeon, and +killed the parrot, just as the gentleman described." However, the young +antipodean asserted his own veracity very effectively by offering to +manufacture a model of the weapon then and there. + +"If you will only provide me," he said, "with a good stiff card--an old +playing-card will do as well as anything--I will soon satisfy you that +what I described _can_ be done." + +The card was produced, and in a couple of minutes he had with a pair of +scissors clipped out a piece of the size and shape of the subjoined +diagram. He then borrowed a book and a lead pencil, and placed the +miniature boomerang on the former, with one end projecting over the edge +of the book about an inch. He then took the book in his left hand, and +holding it at a slight angle as represented in the diagram, page 119, +struck the projecting end a smart blow with the pencil. This sent it +whirling through the air towards the opposite corner of the ceiling, +which it nearly though not quite reached--then it came fluttering back +to the very feet of the performer. This operation was repeated several +times with almost universal applause, the only dissentient voice being +that of a little shaver of five, who wanted to see the parrots come +down. + +[Illustration] + +About this time it became evident that some mysterious preparations +were being made outside. A good deal of whispering occurred, and Nix, +with one or two others, disappeared from the apartment. We, in the +meantime, amused ourselves with sundry time-honored experiments. First +came an optical illusion-trick, the fun of which consisted in the futile +efforts of several persons to knock a cork off a fork with the +fore-finger; and is performed thus: A steel fork, or some other sharp +instrument, is stuck in the door, and a cork placed on the end of it. + +[Illustration] + +[Illustration] + +The person wishing to test his skill places himself in front of it; +fixing his eyes on the cork, he then walks slowly backwards ten or +twelve feet, his eyes still fixed on the cork; having done which, he +extends his right hand, closes an eye, and advances towards the cork, +till he thinks he has reached near enough to knock the cork from its +position with one blow of the finger. Nine times out of ten the +performers fail, as they did on the occasion in question. This +experiment seemed to afford a good excuse to a certain little witch, +with black eyes, to propose the performance of pinning a thimbleful of +water to the wall. The thimble was filled with water, a pin borrowed, +and mademoiselle, escorted by her cavalier--a young gentleman in +patent-leather boots, and breathing incense from every curl of his hair, +and from every part of his dress, to a degree calculated to drive Phalon +mad and ruin the reputation of Arabia. Escorted by this exquisite +being, the young lady repaired to the spot selected for the experiment; +but, alas! just as she was about to fix the thimble to the wall the pin +dropped to the floor. In an instant the perfumed gallant was on his +knees searching for the lost article, and with equal promptitude the +treacherous belle had emptied the water on his fragrant pate, amid the +roars of laughter of those around--for in this consisted the trick. + +While we were still laughing the door opened, and Nix entered, somewhat +flushed, and with a comical frown on his brow. + +"Ladies and gentlemen," he began, "I have a serious complaint to +make--really it is too bad. Upon my life it is. I think Miss Mary Fenn +and Miss Julia Farley, and several of the other young ladies, ought to +be spoken to" (the ladies mentioned and several others here colored up +and looked rather scared). "I think they ought to be very seriously +spoken to, going round in this reckless way. Why, upon my life, there's +no knowing what may happen--and they don't care one bit. They care no +more for a fellow-creature than I do for a fly. Ah! (with a sigh) there +is one feller-creature which I wish they would think a little more of. +In common honesty they ought to do something to their eyes--wear +spectacles, or something of that sort; and for their lips, since nature +has seen fit not to provide them with moustaches, they might use +respirators or--or--or--well, something has to be done, or there won't +be a sane man in the neighborhood. I myself have a severe pain in my +left side; and here, when I go outside--I don't mean the left side, but +outside the room--for a little temporary relief, I find a poor fellow +maimed, probably for life--his head completely turned." + +At this point a figure resembling the opposite sketch walks in, and +declares that he would not have his head turned back for the world; on +the contrary, he finds his present position far more comfortable than +any other, etc., etc., etc. + +[Illustration] + +The construction of this figure is so simple that it seems almost +superfluous to explain it. The person performing it puts on a loose coat +and vest, wrong side foremost, fastens a false face to the back of his +head, and a wig over his face, and the whole is complete. The wig may be +made of curled hair from an old mattress, sewed on to a black silk cap. +By the way, while we are on the subject, we may as well say a word or +two more concerning this curled hair, which will be found very useful +for amateur theatricals. With a handful of this cheap material (the +imitation or grass substitute will answer just as well), you can make +beards, whiskers, and moustaches of any desired shape. All that is +required is to twist, stretch, or mould the tangled mass into the +desired shape, and then, in the proper place, stick on a small piece of +diachylon, and the appendage is ready for use. The diachylon can be +purchased in lump form of any druggist. In order to adhere it to the +face, it should be slightly warmed before the fire. + +"Why, bless my soul alive, if the poor fellow's head isn't turned!" +exclaimed Aunty Delluvian, in unfeigned surprise. "Well, some foolish +fellows do get their heads turned by the girls," and the good old lady +laughed heartily, honestly believing she had made a joke. Indeed, she +patted us on the knee to draw our attention, as she added, in an +explanatory way: + +"You know, when I was a girl, and any young fellow fell in love with one +of the girls, we used to say his head was turned; so I say that young +man's head is turned--don't you see!" and again the old lady went off in +a transport of merriment at her own wit. But in a moment it was over, +and when we turned there was something glistening in her eye, as she +looked dreamily before her out of that Christmas-day away off, +doubtless, to some other Christmas-day when young men had their heads +turned by designing young women. But there was no time for reverie; for +Nix, who had assumed the position of showman, now made himself heard, +bellowing through his nose: + +"Now, ladies and gentleman, I will proceed to show you a highly moral +exhibition, some of the four-footed works of nature, or, as they are +commonly called, quadrupedals. This exhibition, by calling the mind to +contemplate the works of nature, elevates the soul to things above, and +makes us all better fathers, husbands, wives, sweethearts, sons, and +girls to do general housework. Now, ladies and gentlemen, I would ask +you who, after contemplating the rhinoceros, would fail to return home a +more dutiful parent or respectful sweetheart? But, to step from the +realms of fancy to the practical regions of fact, I will proceed to +interdooce to you that splendid anumile Saladin, the royal Bengal tiger, +from Botteny Bay, in the West Injees. This wonderful creature measures +sixteen feet from the tip of the tail to the tip of the snout, and +sixteen feet from the tip of the snout to the tip of the tail, making in +all thirty-two feet." + +[Illustration] + +At this point of his oration the showman paused, opened the door, and +gave a loud whistle, when in scampered a creature more easily sketched +than described. At first we did not recognise the stub-tailed +bull-terrier Snap, so completely was he disguised and bestriped with +black paint, more to resemble a zebra, however, than a tiger. Snap, all +unconscious of his new character, began frisking and capering round, +wagging his tail _vociferously_, as Nix expressed it. + +"This beautiful but terrible creature," continued Nix, "is exquisitely +marked by nature. His, however, are not good-conduct marks, for, in his +native wilds, his behavior is anything but proper. He will devour +anything that comes in his way, having been known, when pressed by +hunger, to eat even an alderman. Such being the nature of the beast, I +will now proceed to show you a more amiable specimen of this moral +exhibition. This, ladies and gentlemen, is the largest of all animals. +It belongs to Asia and Africa. We have no elephants, naturally, in +America, any more than we have Irishmen. They are all imported at great +expense, two ships being required to bring over each creature, one for +himself, and one for his trunk, I believe." + +Enter elephant (adjoining page). + +"The elephant lives chiefly on ginger-snaps, sugar, rice, and cayenne +pepper, which, at the present price of groceries, makes his board come +rather heavy. You have all heard of the sagacity of the elephant--how +he squirted the dirty water over that injudicious tailor who ran his +needle into the elephant's trunk. But, ladies and gentlemen, I was +witness to a more singular instance of intelligence on the part of this +elephant here, which is, perhaps, the largest of its kind ever imported +to this country. While passing through the streets of one of our inland +towns during the late election, this very anumile seized a slip of paper +from one of the crowd, rushed up to the polls, and actually voted the +Union ticket before we knew what he was about." + +[Illustration: HOW TO MAKE AN ELEPHANT. _See page 126._] + +In this strain Nix continued for some time, while the elephant walked +round the room. Little boys were mounted on his back for a ride, and +enjoyed the fun hugely. + +The scientific gentleman with gold spectacles threw a temporary damper +on the merriment by asking, in a sombre voice, whether we knew how many +times round the elephant's foot was equal to his height, and then +equally solemnly informing us that it was "Twice." Having said "twice!" +very emphatically, he became silent, and the fun went on. + +Now comes the question--How was the elephant made? A glance at the +annexed picture will throw considerable light on the subject at once. + +Here we have the usual human substratum. Two gentlemen, wearing rubbers, +place themselves in the position represented, while the foremost one +holds something in his hands. This is a grey shawl or table-cover, +rolled up to represent the elephant's trunk, which the performer swings +about to produce a life-like effect. All that now remains to be done is +to procure another grey shawl and spread it over the united operators, +fastening two pieces of round paper, with black dots on them, in the +proper places, for eyes, and a couple of rags or old gloves for ears. +The elephant is now complete, save the tusks. These can be made out of +long pieces of twisted white paper, pinned to the inside of the shawl, +and there you have a first-rate elephant for a small tea-party. Dish, +and serve up with lots of _sass_, as the cookery books say. But let us +listen to Nix; he is spouting some more nonsense: + +"Ladies and gentlemen: This elephant was captured and imported into this +country by a Bengal officer, Colonel Gurramuchy, whom I shall have much +pleasure in introducing to you. You have all heard of Cumming--well, he +is coming." + +[Illustration] + +[Illustration] + +Here entered the most extraordinary being we had ever beheld; a very +military-looking person, with a very small head and an exceedingly long +neck. However, refer to the illustration, where you see him faithfully +portrayed. Following him was an equally singular person, who was +presented to us as Captain Dawk, a particular friend of the Colonel's, +whose portrait we likewise subjoin. These gentlemen chatted with Nix, +and told us one or two of their hunting adventures--the most extravagant +yarns. We have only space for one, which we shall condense as much as +possible. Captain Dawk once, while hunting the wild boar in India, had +the misfortune to have his horse ripped open by the tusks of the +infuriated beast. His horse of course fell heavily, and died almost +immediately. While he was standing at the side of the poor creature, +deploring his loss, and wondering how he should ever reach home, he +beheld at some distance from him, on the open plain, a huge tiger +approaching. There was no tree within miles; to run away would have been +useless; he at once bethought himself of an idea. Seizing his +hunting-knife, he rapidly removed the internals of the horse, and crept +into the cavity himself. The tiger, on coming up, seized the horse by +the neck, and dragged it several miles to its den in the jungle, where +it commenced at once to feast upon the carcass. Watching a favorable +opportunity, when the tiger had eaten a hole in the horse's side, +Captain Dawk drew a small revolver from his pocket, and shot the animal +dead. He was just in the act of crawling from his place of concealment +when he beheld five more tigers approaching. Four of these he shot one +after the other from inside the horse, and then all his ammunition was +exhausted, and one tiger was left alive; but, drawing his knife, he +resolved to sell his life dearly. Here the Captain gave us a most +harrowing account of his encounter with the last tiger, which was larger +than any of the others. First it broke both his legs, then his arms, +then his back, and finally the ferocious beast got the officer's head +into its mouth--but to conclude in his own words: "I felt the hot breath +in my face, the sharp teeth pressing both sides of my skull. In another +instant I felt all would be over, and my worst fears were realized. With +one gripe the wretched brute bit off my head, and then tearing me limb +from limb, devoured me on the spot." This story was pronounced a +stunner. + +But how were these extraordinary faces produced? First, we will refer +our readers to the diagram, which will explain a good deal, and then +throw what light we can on the subject with words. + +The face of the Colonel was made by painting an entire set of features +on the forehead with India-ink. The white of the eyes in both cases was +effected by wetting the finger and rubbing it on an enamelled +visiting-card; by this means you take a good deal of the white from the +card which can be transferred to the proper place on the forehead. In +the case of the Colonel, if the performer moves his eyebrows up and down +as he is speaking, it will communicate a motion to the pointed +moustaches, and a most comical expression to the entire face. + +[Illustration] + +To make the second face, you must, if possible, get some one with very +light eyebrows and no moustaches; then paint eyes and eyebrows on the +forehead, which must be done artistically, shadows and all, and connect +them, as represented, with the bridge of the nose, paint heavy black +moustaches, and your performer will have the appearance of possessing +an immensely long face; he must, however, keep his eyes shut, or the +illusion will be dispelled. + +After this performance, the scene, as painted on our memory, resolves +itself into blue eyes, pink ribbons, bunchy skirts, oranges, candies, +lemonades, wax-lights, Christmas-trees, Aunty Delluvian, and endless +smiling faces. + +May all good people have as foolish, merry a Christmas as we had at +Aunty Delluvian's! + + + + +CHAPTER XII. + + +Hanky-panky is the name of a certain art practised by pantomimists of +the clown and harlequin school, and is the subject of no little study +and practice. We do not think it within our power to define hanky-panky, +composed as it is of fictitious whackings and kickings and smackings, +unless, indeed, that be a definition. We can, however, give a couple of +illustrations of the art as it may be practised in the family circle. We +may look further into the matter at some future day, and possibly issue +a volume of Parlor hanky-panky, beautifully illustrated by the author. + +The first example we shall now give is how to knock your knuckles on the +edge of a marble mantel-piece or other hard substance without hurting +them. It is done thus: You raise your clenched fist high in the air, +hold it poised there some seconds for all the audience to see, and then +bring it swiftly down; but just before your hand reaches the object, +open your fingers quickly, so they will strike the object with a sharp +slap, then close them quickly; if this is neatly done, it will appear as +if you had struck your knuckles a violent blow. This will make the +ladies scream, and every one else thrill of horror. + +[Illustration] + +The second feat of hanky-panky consists in knocking your head against +the edge of a door with such apparent force as to break your skull, +provided it be anything under an inch thick. + +This you do by holding your hand which is farthest from the audience on +a level with your face, as represented in the annexed picture. At the +moment your forehead touches the edge you must give the side of the door +a good smart bang with the palm of your hand. To the audience on the +other side of the door, who do not see this motion of the hand, you +appear to have given your poor head a terrific blow. + +[Illustration] + +Another piece of hanky-panky frequently practised on the stage requires +two performers. No. 1 aims a blow at the head of No. 2; No. 2, just as +the blow reaches him, raises both hands as though to guard the blow, +managing, however, as he does so to slap them smartly together so as to +produce a loud report. If the blow and the report occur simultaneously, +No. 1 will appear to have given No. 2 a most vicious box on the ear. + +This is all we have to say about hanky-panky. + + + + +CHAPTER XIII. + + +Being in a tranquil mood the other evening, and indisposed for the +rollicking fun and tomfoolery in which, we are glad to say, we have so +often indulged, we called upon our friend Nix to pass a quiet hour or +two. When we had explained the object of our visit, Nix replied that it +was well, for although he could not entertain us himself in the +character of host, he could introduce us to a family to whom he happened +to be engaged himself that evening. + +"They are," said he, "the most charming people in the world--all ladies, +excepting a little pickle of a boy, a child after your own heart, by the +way; not one of your impulsive, high-spirited humbugs, who does all +sorts of vicious things for twelve hours, and is sorry for them for five +minutes; not one of your easy penitents, who is never ashamed of owning +himself in the wrong, and at the same time never too proud to do wrong; +but a stubborn, sensitive, ingenuous, affectionate, fun-loving little +fellow. Do you know I like people who, when they are mad, get sulky? I +have found they make the best of friends, the best servants, and the +best members of society generally. I wonder who started the admiration +of _impulsive_ people? 'Oh!' you hear a young lady say, who never really +gave the subject five minutes' thought in her life, and is quite +unconscious that she is repeating a hackneyed sentiment which has been +knocking about the world for the last fifty years; 'oh!' you hear her +say, 'I like quick-tempered people, who get into a passion and are over +it in a minute.' Then you hear some one else: 'Oh, yes, he does wrong, +but he is full of fine impulses!' For my part, I think these impulsive +folks are the greatest humbugs in the world. In the first place, there +is scarcely any villany which cannot be perpetrated in a moment, if you +have only the necessary impulse; but then, to look into the origin of +this impulsiveness, it arises altogether from a lack of self-control, a +violent, self-indulgent spirit. Then, as to ready repentance and +confession, that, to my mind, is the worst sign man, woman, or child can +show; it simply shows they do not fully appreciate the seriousness of +their offence, or are so devoid of pride that they do not care in what +estimation they are held by others; or, as is often the case, it is a +cheap way of squaring accounts and starting afresh, perhaps on better +terms than before, with people who like _impulsive_ characters. Bah! +Confession and repentance ought to come out of a man with tears of +blood, and----" + +"But about the ladies?" we broke in. "Your dissertation on character is +very good, but I think you made use of the adjective charming in +connection with the noun ladies." + +"Oh, yes," answered Nix, suddenly changing his manner, for he had grown +quite fierce and enthusiastic in his tirade against impulsive persons. +"The ladies--'that man who would lay his hand on a lady in aught save +kindness, is unworthy the name of a British officer and a gentleman.' + + "'A wife, a dog, and a walnut-tree, + The more you lick 'em, the better they be.' + +"Arguments _pro_ and _con_. But you said something about the ladies. +Well, this family comprises a widow, three daughters, and little pickle +aforementioned. These ladies, I may tell you, are not only ladies, but +gentlewomen--a very, very rare article, I can assure you." + +"True," we responded; "painfully true." + +"These ladies have found out--no, there I am wrong; they never gave the +subject a thought. But they are illustrations of the fact, though they +are ignorant of it, for their good-breeding came to them partly by +nature and partly by careful, motherly, Christian training. They are +illustrations of the fact, that to be gentlewomen it is necessary to be +gentle women." + +"Women do not appear to be generally aware of that fact," we chimed in. + +"These ladies, although full of intelligence and _esprit_, besides being +highly educated and accomplished, could not, I believe, give a smart +retort to--to--to save their eyes; and when you see their eyes you will +be able to judge of the value of the stake. If any one were to make a +rude or impertinent speech to them they would not understand him. As +they never wound the feelings of others, they cannot imagine any one +else doing so." + +"But," said we, "there are certain forms of words which no one could +possibly mistake--not even the simplest of human beings." + +"Oh, of course, I don't refer to such cases as those! Under such +circumstances, my friends would feel deeply grieved, and even rebuke the +offender. But as to making one of those sharp retorts in which +underbred young women so greatly delight, why, they could no more do it +than fly!" + +Fortunately, at this point in Nix's harangue, we reached the door of the +ladies under discussion; for be it understood that most of our +conversation had occurred on our way thither. + +We doubt whether it is a good plan to praise one's friends too highly +before an introduction; it is calculated to produce a reaction. At +least, we felt just the least shade of disappointment on being ushered +into the presence of the subject of our companion's eulogy. Four +plainly-dressed, oval-faced, soft-eyed ladies, seated round a large +centre-table, on which were strewn water-colors, albums, scissors, and +scraps of paper. + +"Mr. Nix has told us all so much about you," said the eldest, "that I +feel as though we were old friends. My daughters are now enthusiastic on +the subject of transparencies, and I've no doubt your ingenuity will +enable them to solve many knotty points beyond their amateur capacity." + +We soon found, however, that we were the one to learn, for the work on +which the white fingers were engaged was something entirely new to us. +There were beautiful transparencies, mostly representing landscapes, and +cut out of writing-paper. We immediately became a devoted student of the +art of transparent picture-making, with a single eye, of course, to +the amusement of our readers. The soft, brown eyes, the taper fingers, +and the gentle manners, had nothings to do with our assiduity, upon +which we pledge our sacred honor, as a Calmuc Tartar. + +[Illustration: PAPER TRANSPARENCIES.--_See page 143._] + +We will now proceed to explain, if those white fingers do not get in the +way, how these pictures are produced; and first, according to our +custom, we refer the reader to the annexed diagram (No. 1)--a diagram is +a good basis to start upon. Before you look at the diagram, it would be +well to collect the necessary materials, which are as follows: + +Several sheets of writing-paper. + +One piece, say four inches square, of thick paper or card. + +A pair of small fine-pointed scissors. + +A sharp-pointed penknife. + +A small piece of charcoal. Burnt grape-vine or cedar makes the best. + +A piece of transparent tracing-paper. A black lead-pencil. + +Pen and ink. + +A thick pasteboard, or thin pine board, about the thickness of an +ordinary book-cover, and at least two inches longer and wider than the +picture you are about to make. A sheet of glass will answer as well, +perhaps better. + +A small quantity of thin, fine paste, free from lumps, made of flour and +water boiled. Mind that it is boiled and free from lumps. + +Now see the diagram No. 1. This is the picture you wish to produce in +the transparency. Take your tracing-paper, and with a pen and ink make +an outline of this picture, having done which, rub the charcoal over the +back of the tracing, then lay the tracing-paper on a sheet of +letter-paper, take your lead-pencil in your hand; now, every mark you +make on the tracing-paper with the pencil will leave a corresponding +charcoal mark on the paper beneath it. Bearing this in mind, you will +draw your pencil carefully round the outline of the moon, the window of +the old castle, and the bright light in the water. Now carefully remove +the tracing-paper, and you will find the forms of these objects faintly +marked in charcoal lines on the writing-paper. Now, with the fine point +(it must have a fine point) of your lead-pencil, travel over the +charcoal lines, so as to make them distinct and permanent. You do so +because the charcoal easily brushes off. You will then proceed to brush +off the charcoal with a soft rag as soon as you have made your pencil +outline. You will now, with the scissors or penknife, whichever is most +convenient for the purpose, cut out the parts you have traced--that is +to say, a round hole for the moon, a small square patch for the castle +window, and a few irregular slits for the water. Then you will have a +piece of paper like diagram No. 2 (page 152). + +There now, we think we managed to keep the white fingers out of that +pretty well, though it was pretty hard work, rest assured. So far so +good. Now you want to cut a piece of paper, which shall be your second +tint, to represent the clouds and water. To this end you again lay your +outline tracing on the white paper, and trace the shape of the clouds, +the castle window, and the lights on the water, which will give you a +form similar to that represented in diagram No. 3 (page 153). This you +will cut out as before. + +Now you wish for a tint to represent the distant mountains and the +reflection of the old castle; therefore, trace and cut out as before +directed a piece of paper corresponding with the outlines of these +forms, which piece will correspond exactly with diagram No. 4 (page +154). Now you will cut out a piece of paper to represent the nearer +mountains and the castle, which will correspond with diagram No. 5 (page +155). After which you will cut a piece to represent the castle alone; +and lastly, you cut out of your card the form of the fir-tree and old +railing in the foreground, and the chief part of your labor is done. + +Again we must congratulate ourself on keeping those little fingers out +of our description, though they have been playing about like white mice +among our ideas all the time. We only trust we have made the process +clear to our readers. + +We will now presume you wish to mount your transparency on a sheet of +glass. First take the piece of white paper corresponding with diagram +No. 2, and cover it with a thin coat of paste, being careful that it is +free from lumps, and lay it on the glass, pressing it evenly all over +with a soft handkerchief. Over this, in its proper place, paste No. 3, +over that No. 4, and so on, one over the other, till they are all on. +You can now hold it up to the light to see if the reflected lights in +the water are correct; if not, wait till the transparency is dry, and +brighten them up by cutting the necessary pieces out with the sharp +point of a penknife. All that needs doing now is to paste over all a +thin sheet of white paper. This need only be pasted round the edges just +enough to make it keep its place. To give the picture a finish, it +should either be put in a frame or have a border of gilt paper or other +untranslucent material pasted round it to conceal the ragged edges of +the picture. Now your picture is complete. Hold it once more up to the +light, and you will be surprised what a beautiful effect is produced. + +If the transparency be not to be mounted in glass, the process is as +follows: Cut a square hole, a trifle smaller than the picture, in the +board you have provided; cut a piece of white paper of the same shape as +the hole, only about one inch larger each way; moisten it slightly with +a wet rag, then put some paste all round the edges of the paper, and +paste it over the square hole in the board; keep the paper slightly +moistened till the paste has thoroughly dried; then you can allow the +paper to dry, when it will become smooth and tight like the head of a +drum. On this you can paste the transparency in the same way you did on +the glass. + +Our young lady friends had a number of wonderful things produced in this +way, into some of which they had introduced color with remarkable +effect. In the design we have given as an example, being one of the +simplest in their collection, the light in the castle window was red, +and threw long rays of red light across the rocks, with a red reflection +in the water. This was easily done with a little water-color (crimson +lake); but we refrained from introducing it into our description, for +fear of complicating the matter and puzzling the reader. However, when +you have made the one we have described, you will soon see a number of +other effects which can be produced--sunsets with a moving sun, +rain-storms, floating clouds; skies and water painted blue, and trees +green, etc., etc. + +Little Pickle did not take any active part in the transparency business, +though he looked on admiringly, occasionally throwing in a few words of +applause or advice, something in this style: + +"Oh! I say, Lucy, couldn't you put a cow in there; it would look +fust-rate. I can draw a cow, all but the feet, and you can hide them +behind the rocks, you know." + +Or: + +"Yes--ah--yes--that snow is pretty good, only that feller has only got +one runner to his sled!" + +It is strange that boys will always say _feller_ and _fust-rate_. + +Little Pickle was not, however, idle in his way. While we were studying +white fingers, brown eyes, and transparencies, he had cut out a sled, a +wheel-barrow, and manufactured a dancing-pea. The latter he made by +running a pin half way through a pea, one end of which he stuck into a +broken piece of tobacco-pipe. He then threw his head back till the +tobacco-pipe attained a perpendicular position, when he commenced +blowing, which made the pea dance in the air in the most amusing manner +for nearly a minute. The mode of arranging the pea, as well as of using +it, is illustrated in the accompanying sketch. + +[Illustration] + +He likewise horrified us all by suddenly appearing with a hideous double +row of protruding yellow teeth, which he coolly dropped into the palm of +his hand, when he thought our feelings had been sufficiently outraged. + +"They are only made of orange-peel," he explained. "You just cut a slit +there, and notch them along like that, and then put them into your +mouth." + +[Illustration] + +Now, in order to convey to your mind, dear reader, the method of +constructing this ornament, shall we tell you to cut an elliptical piece +of orange, and then make a longitudinal incision here, with transverse +incisions there, etc., etc.? No, we will not; we will fall back to our +old friend the diagram, and if you cannot make yourself a set of false +teeth after that, then remain in heathen darkness on all matters of +dentistry, as you deserve. Cut a piece of orange-peel in the shape +represented, and at the foot of the preceding diagram you will see how +they look when you put them on. + +[Illustration: Diagram No. 2.] + +[Illustration: Diagram No. 3.] + +[Illustration: Diagram No. 4.] + +[Illustration: Diagram No. 5.] + +[Illustration: Diagram No. 6.] + +[Illustration: Diagram No. 7.] + + + + +CHAPTER XIV. + + +A friend of ours, who is an ardent admirer of that great humorist of the +plains, Artemus Ward, has recently been edifying a large circle of +private friends with imitations of the celebrated showman. He has had a +wig and false nose made expressly for this entertainment, by the aid of +which adjuncts he succeeds in establishing quite a respectable +resemblance to the grand original, as may be seen by his portrait, which +we have taken the trouble to get engraved. + +Most of the jokes are those of Artemus repeated from memory. The more +sober ones, we fancy, are original. The lecture runs thus: + +"LADIES AND GENTLEMEN:--Having recently paid a visit to Salt Lake City, +the great Mormon capital, I think a short lecture on the subject may +prove instructive as well as amusing. Although I appear before you with +the cap and bells, I would have you understand that when I speak of +matters of fact I shall confine myself strictly to the truth. You may, +therefore, rely upon all I shall tell you concerning the Mormons as +being strictly true. + +[Illustration] + +"When on the dock preparatory to start on my voyage, I found myself +surrounded by a large concourse of people, who seemed perfectly willing +that I should go. 'Go along,' they said, 'old feller, and stay as long +as you please.' I would like you to take a good look at the noble vessel +in which I sailed (pointing to a crude delineation of a steamship), +because, if you ever go to California, travel by some other boat. + +"When we were fairly out at sea, I observed that many of the passengers +ran frequently to look over the side of the vessel--to see if there were +any dolphins alongside, I presume. One young couple sitting near me, +newly married and very haggard, talked earnestly together. I could not +avoid hearing a part of their conversation. + +"'Oh, Julia,' said the gentleman, 'you are very noble; you have thrown +up society, friends, everything for me.' + +"'Do not say a word, Alfred,' replied the young lady; 'you have thrown +up more than I have.' + +"It was very touching, for they certainly threw up a great deal between +them. + +"In San Francisco I delivered an oration. It was not, perhaps, equal to +Cicero's, but still I think--I don't know--but I think if old Cis had +heard it he would have been astonished. I delivered an oration to the +soldiers once. They were much delighted--very much delighted indeed--so +delighted, in fact, that they come dooced near shooting me. + +"The hotels on the road to Salt Lake City are, as a rule, inferior to +our leading ones in New York. At one of them they gave me a sack of oats +for a pillow. That night I had nightmares. I suppose they were attracted +by the oats. The next morning the landlord asked me how I was, _old +hoss_! I replied that I felt my oats! + +"After travelling several days, more or less, we reached Utah, and put +up at this hotel (here a rude picture is produced). It is a temperance +hotel. The only objection I have to temperance hotels is +that--that--they keep such dooced poor _licker_. In the front of the +hotel may be seen the coach in which we had been confined for the last +eight days. Those among my audience who have served a term in the State +prison will understand our feeling when we escaped from that vehicle. + +"Utah is a beautiful city, laid out in broad streets, with avenues of +fine trees. Brigham Young is the big injun of the place, next to whom +comes Heber Kimball. Brigham has the largest number of wives--two +hundred in all. He says his only hope now is to have his dying pillow +smoothed by the hands of his family. Under the circumstances, it strikes +me he'd have to go out of doors to die if he wishes to accomplish it. + +"The number of his children is unknown, though, if you multiply two +hundred wives by fifteen, you will get a rough estimate. We mentioned +this to Briggy, and he seemed to think it rather rough. Perhaps so. Brig +is very exact in his calculations; he knows to a ton of beef what is +consumed in his household daily. As an illustration of his exceeding +accuracy in little matters, we may mention a fact. On one occasion one +of his wives was missing. Five weeks had not elapsed before Brigham had +discovered the fact. Those of my audience who have mothers-in-law will +appreciate the advantage of two hundred wives. There must be a good deal +of mother-in-law to that number; an amount highly calculated to keep +things lively. Possibly Brigham is fond of excitement. + +"On one occasion Briggy took a fancy to a certain young lady, and +proposed for her hand. She replied that she could not accept his offer +unless he also married her elder sister. To this he readily +assented--went to her--the proposition was made--the sister said she +should be obliged to decline unless he married her mother also. After +some deliberation he proposed to the mother, but she refused unless he +would also propose to her old grandmother. Finally he married the whole +crowd. + +"Of course Brigham cannot attend personally to the amount of courting +necessary--that is to say, in our old-fashioned style. No, he has his +form of love done up in pamphlet form, which he sends to any lady to +whom he wishes to be united. This saves trouble. + +"Though the Mormons generally are a very steady people, they still have +loose fish among them. On one occasion a gay Mormon Lothario gained +access to a young ladies' seminary. In the morning it was found he had +eloped with the entire establishment. + +"I, even I did not escape without some difficulty. Just before my +departure, a worthy gentleman in the pickle business died, leaving +fourteen wives. They sent for me. When I called I found them all in +tears. + +"'Why is this thus?' I inquired. + +"'Art going?' inquired they. + +"'I ist,' I replied. + +"'Oh, why! oh, why goest thou?' + +"'Because when I gettest ready to doest a thing, I generally doest it,' +replied I. + +"'Wilt marry us?' said they. + +"'I rather think not,' I replied. + +"'Oh, this is too much!' cried they. + +"'That's where it is,' rejoined myself. 'It's precisely on account of +its being too much that I object to it.' + +"My lectures were very popular at Salt Lake, and always well attended. +On one occasion I incautiously gave a family ticket to a certain Elder. +That night my house was crowded to overflowing. It was entirely filled +with the Elder's family. There was not room for a single paying visitor +to come in. The next day they called to say they were very much pleased, +and gave me their photograph in a very pretty pocket-case, something +like a wallet. Subsequently it was taken out of my pocket by a young man +on Broadway, but I detected him in the act and seized him by the collar. +He at once acknowledged the deed, but said he did it in the name of the +Confederate government in retaliation for outrages committed by our +troops in the Shenandoah Valley." + +Here the lecture ended. It generally received nearly as much applause as +that of the great original, for my friend had studied Ward's peculiar +manner and quaint enunciation till he had got it to a nicety. + + + + +CHAPTER XV. + + +This chapter we shall devote exclusively to a little play, written +expressly for parlor performance. The characters are so few, and the +materials--in the way of dress and scenery--so simple, that it can be +easily gotten up in any household. In the full-page picture you will see +our idea of the "make-up" of the Artist, but as Mr. Bullywingle does not +come out so well on so small a scale, we annex a picture of his head and +shoulders as a guide to the reader. We feel disposed, however, to allow +the largest latitude to the performers as to make-up. They can modify +the dress of the characters according to circumstances. Another reason +we have for giving the portrait of Mr. Bullywingle is, that a large copy +of it is required in the performance of the piece. In copying this it is +no matter how ludicrously inaccurate your performance is, provided you +make the face fiery red, the hair white, and the spectacles green. +Indeed, the worse the picture the funnier the effect. + +[Illustration] + +_Mr. Bullywingle._--Hat--white, with black band. Face very red, +culminating in a bright crimson on the nose. The face should be colored +with vermilion, which can be procured in a powdered state at any color +store. If you get it in this state mix it with water, to which add a +very small quantity of gum or glue. The best plan, however, is, if +convenient, to purchase a cake of vermilion such as is used for +water-colors. + +Hair, eyebrows, and moustache must be very white. The hair and moustache +can be made white by dressing with plenty of pomatum, and then +sprinkling them liberally with flour from the flour dredger. The +imperial and eyebrows should be painted on the face with flake-white. +Procure two ounces of flake-white (in powder) in any paint store; mix it +carefully with water till it is about as thick as molasses. A small +piece of glue, about the weight of two beans, should be dissolved in the +water before it is added to the flake-white. + +Spectacles--green, which you can either borrow from a friend, buy at a +store, or steal anywhere. If, however, you are too proud to steal, and +you cannot get the specs any other way, you may cut them out of +card-board and paint the proper color. As Mr. Bullywingle wears his +specs on the end of his nose, never using them to look through, it is of +little consequence whether they be transparent or not. + +Cravat--large and white. + +Shirt collar--large; can be cut out of writing-paper. + +Coat--blue, with gilt buttons. + +Vest and pants--light; the latter short in the legs. + +Shoes--low. + +_Mr. Puttyblow_ (the artist).--Nose red; eyebrows black, and painted +above the natural eyebrows. This gives the eyebrows a continued +elevated appearance, which is very comical in effect. + +The moustache and beard can either be painted with burnt cork or +India-ink, or, which is far better, made out of curled hair and a little +diachylon, as described in a previous chapter. If you wish to make the +character very comic, you can turn up the nose with a piece of thread +and stick a patch of court-plaster over one of your teeth, all of which +has been described in earlier chapters. + +Cap--something fancy, of bright color if possible. + +Coat--anything comical and shabby. The young man is poor. + +Pants--short in the legs. + +_Miss MacSlasher_ must be attired in walking costume, and make herself +look as elegant and pretty as possible. Or in case the ladies won't act, +or you happen to be out of pretty girls, you can get Miss MacSlasher up +as an old lady, and make her look as comical as you can. You see our +play is on a compensating, self-adjusting principle. Now we will give +you a list of all the things you will require in the way of +"properties," as they are called in stage parlance. Before doing so, +however, we must impress upon you the necessity of having a stage +manager, otherwise you will surely get into a state of confusion and +spoil the play. It is the duty of the stage-manager to collect the +properties together and see that they are all in their right places. He +will arrange the stage, and, if desirable, act as prompter. + +Vermilion--To be procured at a paint store. + +Flake-white and green paint--paint store. + +Card-board for imitation spectacles, and glue--paint store. + +Three or four camel's-hair pencils--paint store. + +India-ink or burnt cork. + +Pomatum, butter or lard for hair. + +Ten cents' worth of diachylon (in lump form, not plaster--remember this; +also remember that the diachylon must be warmed before the fire to make +it stick), which can be had at any drug store. + +Flour for hair can be procured from the kitchen, if the barrel ain't +gin' out. + +Green spectacles. + +White cravat and large shirt-collar. + +Blue or green coat, with bright buttons. + +Vest and pantaloons, light in color. + +Small piece of court-plaster or black silk, for tooth. + +Curled hair from stuffing of mattresses. + +Cap for artist, of bright color. + +Coat for artist. + +Pants for ditto, legs short. + +Slippers for ditto. + +Large portrait of Mr. Bullywingle. + +Easel or stand for portrait. + +Palette (the palette should be cut out of pasteboard, the cover of a +large book, or something of that kind--a wooden palette would break when +sat upon); a maul-stick and brushes, pictures, casts, etc., to give the +artist's studio an artistic appearance. + +Stale hard loaf of bread. + +Knife--palette knife if possible. + +Tray with two cups. + +Tea-pot containing very weak tea. + +Plates, butter, and pieces of crockery, to make a clatter. + +Sheets, comfortable, shawls, or Turkey-red, to make proscenium and +drop-curtain. + +Several sheets of tissue-paper, red and blue, to ornament proscenium. + +Lamps to light the stage. + +Deeds and legal documents for Mr. Bullywingle. + +Umbrella for Mrs. Bullywingle. + +White hat with black band. + +Towels, or rags, to cover and conceal artist's breakfast on a chair. + +Slice of bread prepared with diachylon or hooked pins to stick to Mr. +Bullywingle's coat-tail. + + + + +BULLYWINGLE THE BELOVED; + +A DRAMA IN ONE ACT. + + +_Dramatis Personæ._ + +_Mr. Puttyblow_, an artist. + +_Mr. Bullywingle_, a bachelor who is beloved by women, or thinks himself +so. + +_Miss MacSlasher._ + + +SCENE.--_An artist's studio._ + +Curtain rises, or is pulled down, and discovers Mr. Puttyblow seated at +an easel opposite a picture which is so placed that the audience cannot +see the face of it. + +_Mr. Puttyblow_ (yawning). Oh--on--on--awe--awe--oo--oo! Oh, thunder! +Oh, pickled thunder, turnip-tops, trust, tick, and tomatoes! I wish to +goodness, goose-pies, and the goddess of fame, some one would give me a +commission to paint a picture--one thousand dollars--half cash in +advance, and the balance on completion of the work--some grand heroic +subject, which would send my name and fame resounding through the +nations of the earth like the mighty avalanche of the Alps, till the +human race with one voice should stand back and exclaim--"That's him!" + +Now, I think I could paint a picture of Washington Crossing the Delaware +in a style of art equally creditable to my feelings as an artist and an +American citizen. I'd make Washington--yes--I would not make him as they +generally do, in a great, big, comfortable boat, with a new suit of +clothes, looking up to heaven, while a lot of other fellows are shoving +the boat through lumps of ice with hooks and pikes, and things of that +kind. No! I'd make him swimming across, with the stars and stripes +between his teeth and a horse-pistol of the period behind each ear. +That's what I should call something like a picture. But all this is +vain; instead of painting big pictures, and building my palatial villa +on the Hudson, I am stuck and starved in this miserable chamber--a poor +artist with scarcely anything to feed upon but tobacco-smoke and my own +ideas. Talking about feed reminds me that I have had no breakfast yet. +Now breakfast is one of those ideas about which I have my own +ideas--namely, to wit: that you can't continually do without it--that's +to say, not as a steady thing. It grows monotonous after a time. That +tea has been standing three-quarters of an hour, and ought to be now fit +for human nourishment (pours out tea, which is quite colorless). Rather +weak--I may even go so far as to say exceedingly weak. It is like +Hancock's veterans, will stand any amount of fire for any length of time +without changing color. But you are very weak, poor tea; like women, let +us respect your weakness. The butter is strong enough to take care of +you (smells butter). I wonder whether this butter is not manufactured +near Forty-second street, N. Y. It strikes me I have smelt something +very like it near the soap factory on the Hudson River Railroad. Where's +the knife (takes knife and loaf)? Ah! here it is (tries to cut loaf, +which resists all his efforts). This loaf is beginning to get slightly +obstinate. Most extraordinary thing how hard a loaf becomes after you +have kept it for a week or two. However, I ain't the kind of man to let +any darned baker's bread--ever baked--get the best of me. No! (Takes up +hatchet at one side, places bread on floor, and begins chopping it. Cuts +off a piece which he butters, and lays upon a chair.) Now, Puttyblow, my +boy; you shall have bread and chops for breakfast. C-h-e-o-p-s--chops! +Chops with a large C. (A loud knocking is heard at the door.) Oh, +thunder! there's some one at the door--it will never do to let them see +these things around (piles up cups and saucers on tray and covers them +with towels. He leaves the slice of bread and butter, however, on the +chair). It doesn't look prosperous; and nobody ever thinks anything of +any one who isn't prosperous. (Seats himself at easel, and pretends to +be busy painting.) Come in! + + Enter _Mr. Bullywingle_. + +_Mr. B._ Ha! I've found a refuge at last, thank goodness! I'm all in a +flutter--she nearly caught me. It was a dooced close shave. Here am I +tormented to death by women who will insist upon marrying me. 'Pon my +soul it is rather too bad that a man, because he is rather nice-looking +and has a little money saved up, cannot leave his house without being +pursued by all the women in creation wanting to marry him. I don't want +to marry _them_. I don't see any particular fun in dividing all my +property, my time, my comfort, my amusement, with another individual, +besides giving that individual the life-long privilege of--the life-long +right to dictate the temperature of the apartment in which I sit, the +amount of light which shall illuminate my chamber; who shall be my +associates; where I shall live; what I shall eat; what I shall +drink--there's the rub! actually putting the power into the hands of a +mortal like yourself to come between you and your social tod. Oh, it's +horrible to think of! Marriage is a humbug. I wouldn't marry the +Bearded Lady herself. But I wonder what kind of an office this is I've +rushed into--not a lawyer's; no--doesn't smell of Russia leather. Not a +Government office; no--don't smell any whiskey. Not p-e-t--yes, +r-o--l-e-u-m; there's certainly a smell of oil around. Ah, oh--yes, I +see; it's some kind of a paint shop. I must trump up some business with +the proprietor as an excuse for coming in. Wonder, by the way, whether +there's anybody about, after all? Ah! yes, to be sure; bless my soul, +there he is. (Takes a step towards artist, and coughs. Artist pretends +to be deeply engaged in his art, and does not hear him.) Ahem! ahem! +wonder whether the poor creature is deef and dumb. Ahem! ah, excuse me, +sir, but--ah, that is fine day--ahem! good-morning, sir. + +_Artist._ Good-morning, sir. + +_Mr. B._ You are a painter, are you not, sir? + +_Artist._ That is my name--ah, that is to say, that is my profession. + +_Mr. B._ I want you to paint me a sign for my store. + +_Artist._ A what, sir? + +_Mr. B._ A sign. Jothan H. Bullywingle, wholesale---- + +_Artist._ Wholesale fiddlestick! + +_Mr. B._ Wholesale dealer in---- + +_Artist._ Sir, I would have you to understand that I don't paint signs, +sir. I am an artist--historical and portrait delineator. + +_Mr. B._ Oh, ah! yes, exactly; that's what I mean. I want you to paint +my portrait--Jothan H. Bullywingle, wholesale--no, exactly as you were +saying, my portrait. (Aside)--By Jove, I--I'm in for it. + +_Artist._ Would you like a full face? + +_Mr. B._ (thoughtfully). Why, pretty full. + +_Artist._ Or a side face? + +_Mr. B._ Oh, yes--a side face. + +_Artist._ Or a three-quarter face? + +_Mr. B._ Yes, a three-quarter face. Yes, she was a blue one, I think, +this last one. + +_Artist_ (prepares seat). Will you take a seat, Mr. Bully--Bully---- + +_Mr. B._ Wingle. + +_Artist._ Will you take a seat, Mr. Wingle? + +_Mr. B._ Bully, sir. + +_Artist._ Take a seat, Mr. Winglebully. + +_Mr. B._ Yes, yes, certainly. (Aside--I'm regularly stuck for a +portrait.) Certainly, sir; though you haven't got my name exactly +right--not quite correct, my young friend. My name is Bullywingle. +(Aside--The first one was purple and diamonds.) + +[Mr. B. seats himself at opposite side of stage to artist, who sits down +and prepares to paint.] + +_Artist._ Will you smile, sir? + +_Mr. B._ (aside.) Really, a very polite young man. Thank you, I don't +mind if I do--the least drop in the world; Bourbon, or anything that's +handy. + +_Artist._ I mean, sir, will you be pleased to smile with your mouth? + +_Mr. B._ (aside.) With my mouth? Of course, with my mouth. Does the +young man fancy that I propose to drink through my nose, like an +elephant? (Aloud.) Oh, yes, I'll smile with my mouth, of course. + +_Artist._ I perceive you do not understand me, sir. I allude to the +expression. + +_Mr. B._ Oh! I'm perfectly familiar with the expression--perfectly +familiar with the _expression_. + +_Artist._ Mr. Winglebully, I wish you to assume an agreeable expression +of countenance in order that I may transfer your beautiful features to +my canvas in a manner satisfactory to yourself, myself, and mankind +generally. + +_Mr. B._ Oh, ah! yes, certainly--exactly--to be sure--bless my +soul--yes. (Mr. B. grins in an exaggerated manner). + +_Artist._ Ah--yes; that's it--that's it--just so. A little to the left. +I'm afraid--keep your head up--I cannot give you a very long sitting +to-day--I'm so crowded with sitters. (Mr. B. forgets that he is sitting +for his portrait and begins to look very melancholy and miserable.) I am +obliged to--smile, if you please. (Mr. B. starts and resumes his +exaggerated grin.) I'm obliged to fix certain days and hours to receive +my friends and patrons, otherwise they--will you smile, if you +please?--otherwise they would not leave me a--will you smile, if you +please, sir? Look at me and think of something pleasant. Think of a lady +(Mr. B. looks miserable and frightened). (Aside--He doesn't look as if +he were thinking of a lady, does he?) Think of something pleasant, +now--something pleasing. Think of _Hash_ (Mr. B. brightens up). Yes, +hash. Keep on thinking of hash, hash, hash! Good gracious! will you +smile, sir? Hash--hash--hash! Keep smiling--hash--that's it; hash! +There, sir, will you be kind enough to look at that? You are a little +rough and raw (Mr. B. starts), but, of course, I have only rubbed you +in. You will come out better at the second painting. + +_Mr. B._ (rising and advancing towards the picture). Oh, yes--yes, very +good. The shirt-collar and the cravat are extremely like; but don't you +think you might alter the rest? + +_Artist._ Well--ah--umph! I don't know. I think I have hit your eye +exactly. (Mr. B. starts slightly.) The hair is very fair, and I've got +hold of your nose very satisfactorily. (Mr. B. rubs his nose.) The mouth +might look all the better, perhaps, for a little madder, but---- + +_Mr. B._ Oh, dear, no, it's quite mad enough. I don't wish to have a +severe expression of countenance. + +_Artist._ I refer to the color--the pigment. + +_Mr. B._ The color the pig meant. The pig--the pig. I meant what I said, +sir; and if you think to call me a pig with impunity you are very much +mistaken. + +_Artist._ Oh, no--no--no, my dear sir; you mistake me. We artists use a +beautiful pink color called madder, and I spoke of this as a pigment--no +offence, not for the world. But allow me to place the picture in a +better light; you can hardly judge of it in its present position. (Turns +easel and picture round facing the audience.) (Aside.)--Now won't he be +an unreasonable old polypus to object to that as a likeness? +(Aloud.)--There, sir, now you can see it better. (They both sit down in +chairs, the artist on his own palette and Mr. B. on the slice of bread +and butter left by the artist.) + +_Artist._ Now, sir, I think I have caught the expression of your eyes +and spectacles; and as for the nose, it literally speaks, while the +chin and mouth-- + +_Mr. B._ Yes--yes, but I don't think you have stuck quite closely enough +to nature. There is nothing like sticking to a thing. (Rises and moves +towards picture, showing slice of bread sticking to his coat-tails. +Advances and examines picture critically.) + +_Artist._ I declare, if the idiotic old grampus has not been sitting +down on my bread and butter. It is most extraordinary that some people +will never look where they sit down. (Rises to remove bread and butter, +and shows palette sticking to his dressing-gown behind.) The +carelessness of some people is marvellous--really astonishing. + +_Mr. B._ The shirt-collar is certainly very like; but don't you think +the complexion is a little high? because I am really rather pale, you +know. + +_Artist_ (making futile endeavors to remove the bread and butter with +one hand). Ah, yes, perhaps that might be toned down a little. (Aside.) +I'll whitewash the old brute if he likes. (Aloud.) If you will be kind +enough to take a seat for two minutes I will try to avail myself of your +valuable suggestion (looks around for his palette). Now, where on earth +can be my palette? (Looks suspiciously at old Mr. B.) He can't have been +sitting down on that too--and yet I do believe he's stupid enough for +anything. (Looks for palette again.) No. (At this moment Mr. B. sits +down on the chair where Mr. P. has concealed his breakfast, and +everything goes with a crash.) + +_Artist._ There goes that old porpoise again! All my breakfast gone--my +beautiful tea and my elegant bread and butter. (To Mr. B., who +apologizes.) Ah, never mind, sir--no consequence; only a few paint +saucers, that's all. No consequence; take a seat over here. (Seats old +gent in the chair which Mr. B. first occupied, and which artist has +since used.) But my palette--where can it have gone? Where's that d--d +palette? Let me see; I think I laid it on that chair. Will you kindly +rise for one moment, Mr. Winglebully? (Looks at Mr. B.'s back.) No! +strange--let me see--oh! ah! yes--I--he sat over there. (A thought seems +to have struck him. He begins to feel behind his own coat, where he +finds the palette. Produces it--his own fingers covered with paint.) +There it is--I knew I'd put it somewhere. (Here a knocking is heard at +the door. Mr. B. jumps up and grasps the artist by the hand, getting his +own covered with paint in the operation.) + +_Mr. B._ Here she is! For heaven's sake, conceal me! + +[Illustration: THE DRAMA OF "BULLYWINGLE."--_See page 180._] + +_Artist._ Here is who? + +_Mr. B._ The blue woman. + +_Artist._ The blue woman? + +_Mr. B._ Yes--they pursue me wherever I go. It's a blue woman now. +Yesterday it was a red woman. Oh, all sorts of women--black women--green +women--white women--for pity's sake, conceal me! They'd make a Mormon or +polygamist of me. (Wipes his painted fingers over his face.) Oh, my dear +sir, you would not have me commit trigamy--you would not--but hide me +somewhere--hide me! + +_Artist._ Here--here, behind the curtain. + +_Lady_ enters. + +_Lady._ Is there a gentleman here? + +_Artist._ Em--ah! gentleman? no--no; that is to say, not exactly. + +_Lady._ This is an artist's studio, is it not? + +_Artist._ Yes, madam; this is an artist's studio. + +_Lady._ There is no other studio in this building? + +_Artist._ This is the only studio in this building. Will you take a +seat, madam? + +_Lady._ I was to meet an elderly gentleman here--my father--who was +going to have his portrait taken. + +_Mr. B._ (aside.) Her father--that's a deep dodge. Pretends to be after +her father, the artful thing. + +_Artist._ Yes, madam. + +_Lady._ He should have been here some time ago--that is to say, if I +have come to the right place. + +_Artist._ Ah, yes; this is the right place. (Aside.) Hooray! here's +another job. + +_Mr. B._ (aside.) Send her away! send her away! Ah, you villain, are you +going to betray me? + +_Lady._ You seem to have a great many pretty pictures here. + +_Artist._ Ah--oh--well, a few little trifles. Are you fond of art? + +_Lady._ Oh, yes--very. + +_Artist._ I shall be happy to show you some of my sketches. If you will +excuse me for a moment, I will bring them from the other room. + +_Lady._ Certainly, It will give me great pleasure to look at anything in +the shape of pictures. I once studied Poonah Painting and Potichomanie +myself; and mamma's uncle, who was a great artist, and used to draw +things with a red-hot poker, said he couldn't tell my pictures from +life, almost--only I could never learn to do trees. Don't you find trees +very difficult? Mamma's uncle used to say the only fault with my trees +was that they looked like cabbages. I can paint cabbages very well; but +then they don't look pretty in a picture, you know. + +_Artist._ Indeed, I doubt not your delicate hand would lend a charm to +any object it might portray. Nature is full of beauties, and there is a +world of loveliness even in a cabbage. + +_Mr. B._ (aside.) In a cabbage-head. + +_Artist._ But I will bring you my portfolio--a few unworthy sketches +which may serve to while away the moments till the arrival of your +estimable father. + + [Exit. + +_Mr. B._ (aside.) Good heaven! He is going to keep me here all day while +he makes a fool of himself to that young woman. This will never do! I +must escape. I must throw myself on her mercy. She has an awful vicious +expression of countenance, though. However, she must have the heart of a +woman. Perhaps she has a brother; and how would she like to have him +married against his will by fifteen women in blue? I will--yes, I will +throw myself on her mercy. I will implore her to spare me. Poor thing! I +shall be sorry to break her heart--but it must be done.----Courage, +Bullywingle--courage! (Rushes out and throws himself at her feet.) My +good young woman, spare me! Think of your own brother, and spare me! + + [Lady screams and rushes off. + +I cannot marry you all. If I did marry you I should make the red lady +miserable for life, and the green lady would die of jealousy, and the +yellow lady might commit suicide. + +Enter _Artist_, with portfolio, which falls on the floor. + +_Artist._ You venerable reptile, what are you about! What do you mean, +sir? Get up, sir! I'll knock you down, sir! You've driven away one of my +best customers. (They scuffle.) + +_Mr. B._ But my dear sir--my good young friend, what was I to do? Hear +me--listen--leave go--you'll tear my coat--let go, or she'll be back, +and then I'm lost! Do you hear, you rascal! You'll tear my coat--there +go my suspenders--there goes something else! I'll have you arrested for +intent to do grievous bodily battery and commit violent matrimony--let +go! + +_Artist._ You old rascal--you old polypus--you old humbug--you are +ruining me! (Rushes to one side and returns with club or stick. A fight +ensues. Old gent strikes an attitude with umbrella.) + +_Mr. B._ Come on, Mac what's your name! and damned be he who first cries +hold--enough! + +_Artist_ (aside). I'll be hanged if the old buffer ain't swearing! +(Aloud.) By all the powers I'll be revenged! As sure as my name is +Puttyblow I will be re-ve-n-ged! (Is about to rush at old gent.) + +_Mr. B._ Pause, rash man! Did you say Puttyblow? + +_Artist._ I did. + +_Mr. B._ Have you a strawberry mark on your left arm? + +_Artist._ Nature has ornamented me in the manner you describe. + +_Mr. B._ Are you short-sighted in your left eye? + +_Artist._ Such is my affliction. + +_Mr. B._ Do you snore at nights? + +_Artist._ So I have been informed by the people over the way, who have +sent over several times to expostulate with me in the most offensive +terms possible. + +_Mr. B._ And sleep late in the morning? + +_Artist._ I do. + +_Mr. B._ (rushing forward.) My long-lost son! + +_Artist._ Excuse me for one moment. Have you a gooseberry bush on your +left arm? + +_Mr. B._ Gooseberry? No--no--not specially. + +_Artist._ Do you wear corns or paper collars? + +_Mr. B._ Well, I've had chilblains. + +_Artist._ Are you subject to hydrophobia? + +_Mr. B._ Well, not precisely; but I've been run over by a Broadway +omnibus. + +_Artist._ Are you in the habit of committing suicide? + +_Mr. B._ Well--I--I--don't know--I travel on the Hudson River Railroad +sometimes. + +_Artist._ Come to my arms, my long-lost father! + + [They embrace. + +_Mr. B._ Bless you, my boy--bless you! bless you! + +Enter _Lady_. Artist sees her, and struggles to escape from Mr. B.'s +grasp. + +_Artist._ Let go--let me go--drat it all, let go. + +_Mr. B._ Bless you, my boy--bless you! + +_Lady._ I have left my portemonnaie in your studio--will you be kind +enough to let me have it? + +_Mr. B._ Young woman, spare me! + +_Lady_ (to Artist). Pray protect me from this venerable ruffian. + +_Mr. B._ (aside.) Venerable ruffian! Come, now, that is what the boys +call rather rough. (Aloud.) Then you don't love me? + +_Lady._ If you insult me further, I shall inform my father. + +_Mr. B._ Then you have a father?--wonderful! Are you sure of it--no +deception? What is his name? Where does he live? Tell me +quick--quick--do not deceive me! + +_Lady._ My father, sir, is General MacSlasher, who will not allow his +daughter to be insulted with impunity. + +_Mr. B._ MacSlasher! The brave MacSlasher, who married my half-cousin +Columbia Ann, of Pickleville, Indiana? + +_Lady._ Indeed, it is true. + +_Mr. B._ Come to my arms, my long-lost niece! No, not niece; +cousin--second cousin--oh, hang the relationship! Come to my arms, any +way! But hold--you are the richest heiress in New York. I have the deeds +in my pocket to prove it. By the will of your late grandfather Grampus +you are the sole possessor of six blocks on Broadway, Trinity Church, +Erie Railroad, two steamboats on the Hudson River that won't burst, and +vast territories on Coney Island. + +_Artist._ Good gracious! + +_Mr. B._ Happy hour--auspicious moment! to have thus met my son and +niece on the same day. Puttyblow, my son--no longer Puttyblow, but +Bullywingle--this is the lady I have destined for you for ten long +years, if I could only have found you. She is rich and beautiful. I know +you love each other; and if you don't, make believe you do, or you'll +spoil the play. Bullywingle, junior, embrace your bride! Take her and be +happy! Bless you, my children--bless you! + + Grand tableau. Mr. Puttyblow and Miss MacSlasher embrace. Mr. + Bullywingle opens his umbrella, and, standing on one leg, + holds it over them. + + + + +CHAPTER XVI. + + +It may be remembered that in a recent chapter we mentioned being in a +_tranquil mood_, and, while in that condition, calling on our friend +Nix, and further, that Nix introduced us that same evening to some +ladies with brown eyes. + +Since that event the _tranquil_ moods have come over us periodically, +with rapidly increasing virulence. So much so that latterly we have +found it desirable to dispense with the cumbrous ceremony of going round +to call for Nix. The fact is we have taken a great fancy to _that_ boy +Little Pickle; he is certainly a very fine boy. + +It occurs to us at this moment that we have not yet given a name to this +family. Their real name is one of those which recall old revolutionary +times directly it is uttered. One of those names which, to ourself at +least, at once summons up a picture of marching ranks of men in +three-cornered hats and yellow breeches, toiling forward with glistening +muskets over their shoulders, past rows of quaint gabled houses. We +cannot give the real name, of course--that is out of the question--so we +will call them Adams, because that is not their name. Then we will +subdivide them as follows: Mrs. Adams, Bud, Blossom, and Berry. We +christen them thus because these were the titles they received in a +little floral and pomological game we once played. + +The Adams family were going to give a party. We were called in as +consulting engineer, to suggest attractions. We readily accepted the +office. The reader knows our system and will easily guess our first +order. Objects to provoke conversation! + +Pig made out of lemon. Good! The pig was made and applauded. + +"But," suggested Bud, "why confine ourselves to a pig; surely we can +make something else." + +"Surely," we assented. So all of us set our wits to work at zoology. + +Bud made the first discovery. "Oh!" she exclaimed, "I have found out +something beautiful--a whole litter of little pigs to go with the +lemon!" + +And, indeed, 'twas true. In a few seconds she had some almonds soaking +in a cup of boiling water. In a few seconds more she was peeling off +their brown jackets, revealing the smooth white nut, as white as the +tips of her own taper fingers. The almonds were soon converted into +sucking-pigs, and were admitted on all hands to look quite cunning, and +as natural as nature, with their little white bodies grouped round the +maternal lemon--some running, some standing, and some seated on their +haunches. + +[Illustration] + +We need not explain to the gifted reader the _modus operandi_. It is +much the same as with the lemon, only the eyes are dotted with a black +lead pencil and the ears are made from small slips of wood. + +[Illustration] + +Stimulated by the success of Bud, Blossom dived down into the depths of +her imagination, and fished out a goat. The goat was unquestionably a +triumph. The body consisted of a pear, the head of an unbleached +almond, the legs, horns, and beard of raisin stalks. + +[Illustration] + +On the same principle, and with wonderful celerity, Berry took up the +idea, gracefully acknowledged her indebtedness to the original inventor, +and produced a deer--a deer with wide-spreading antlers made of raisin +stalks, and legs of the same material, which counterfeited nature even +to the knee-joints. The neck cost some little mental exertion, but was +finally triumphed over in the following shape, neatly cut out of wood. + +The deer now appeared truly a monarch of the forest; a little weak in +the shoulders perhaps, and rather full-chested behind, but still a noble +animal. + +[Illustration] + +Not to be outdone with her own idea, Blossom wrestled vigorously with +her subject, and ere we had ceased admiring the deer, had very nearly +completed a sheep--a sheep so fleecy and short in the legs that it was +at once voted the greatest triumph of all, though WE personally and +privately thought, and still think, that, for true genius, Bud's idea of +the pigs far exceeded any of them. The white almond certainly made a +most admirable sheep's head, but then apple, of which the body was made, +grew rapidly rusty when once peeled--so much so that we had to scrape +our sheep once or twice in the course of the evening to restore its +fleeciness. + +[Illustration] + +[Illustration] + +Having made large herds of deer, flocks of goats and sheep, not to +mention litters of pigs, we disposed some of them on the mantel-piece +and what-nots, while others were reserved to make a grand pastoral scene +on the supper table. Having finished these, we devoted our energies to +constructing scent-bags and mice, the latter made out of apple-seeds, as +described in a previous chapter. Here the transcendent genius of Bud +again asserted itself--she invented a rat; a rat made out of an +unbleached almond. When grouped with the mice and flour-sacks the effect +was truly grand. + +What now? + +"What shall we make next?" was the general inquiry. + +"Oh, can't you make something that will jump up?" eagerly suggested +Little Pickle, who had kept pretty quiet during our zoological +researches. + +"Can't you make something that will jump up?" This was so vague that we +were fain to demand further light. + +"Oh, you know at our school one of the boys made a kind of thing with a +bit of wax that jumped up and frightened you." + +This was still far from clear, but whatever it might be, it was +evidently calculated to frighten somebody, and so was immediately voted +down by the ladies. + +"Oh, make that gorilla portrait, you know," again entreated Little +Pickle; "that makes such fun." + +This proposition, though received coolly, was, nevertheless, discussed +at some length, till Blossom called her sister's attention to the fact +that one of their invited guests would be a certain Dr. O'Tang, who +really did resemble a gorilla, and should the glass fall into his +hands, he would feel hurt at the joke; so Little Pickle's second +proposition was voted down. + +We now felt a heavy weight of responsibility hanging on our shoulders. +Six brown eyes were resting upon us, each as deep and brown as a +mountain pool. + +"Can we not do something with paper?" suggested Bud, her exquisite +genius again coming to our aid. This suggestion gave us the cue. + +"I have it," we exclaimed; "I will teach you to make stained glass. To +be sure, it is only a variation of your own beautiful art of making +transparencies; still, if you have never heard of the process, it may +afford some amusement, and help you to decorate your rooms." + +One apartment in the house of Adams was of the kind known as _extension +room_. The two windows which separated this apartment from the back +parlor served admirably to exhibit the new art. The object of the +process is to produce an effect somewhat similar to the heraldic +painting on the casements of old European houses, and is done thus: + +You procure several sheets of tissue paper of various colors, a pair of +scissors, and some fine boiled paste. You fold a sheet of the paper +twice, then cut out of the folded paper a form--say, for example, like +the one on the left: so that when the sheet is open there will be two +pieces like the one on the right. + +[Illustration] + +Paste one of these in the centre of the window-pane you wish to +decorate, then paste the other over it, only lapping over a little on +one side and below, as represented in this diagram. + +When this is dry it will have a very pretty effect. Of course you can +cut the papers in any form you choose and have them in different +colors--red over green, or yellow over blue. You may also stitch one +pattern of a smaller size right in the centre of another, or paste three +or four different patterns one above the other, as illustrated by our +subjoined cuts. + +[Illustration] + +Having delivered our short lecture (illustrated with examples) to the +six brown eyes, and also to the six white ears--like quaint sea-shells +from the shores of Elysium--we all proceeded to operate on the windows +before mentioned, and we are glad to say with the most pleasing results. + +[Illustration] + +Our scissorings with the colored paper brought to light an +accomplishment of Little Pickle, which set us all to work anew with +scissors and pen and ink for some time. + +Master Adams's system was this: he took a small piece of writing paper, +and dropping a minute quantity of ink in the centre, then folded it +right across the blot and rubbed it over with his finger. When the paper +was opened it displayed some curious form or another. This, with a few +touches of the pen, we generally made to resemble some object in nature. +Bud made an excellent stag's head on one occasion, which we subjoin. + +[Illustration] + +But Little Pickle's course of instruction did not stop with blots. He +folded bits of paper and cut them into grotesque patterns, and set us +all to filling them up with pictures. The great art consisted in making +your design conform to the outline of the paper. One of these, which we +happened to have brought away by accident, we have here engraved. It was +drawn by Bud, and is really very clever. + +That was a very delightful evening we passed with the Adams's. Little +Pickle is a very fine boy; guess we will call for him on our road up in +the afternoon--to go skating. + +[Illustration] + +That night, when we reached home, we found Nix had called and left us a +very curious work--_The Veda, or the Sacred Writings of the Hindoos_. We +slept sweetly, and dreamed we were reclining on the banks of the Ganges +conversing pleasantly with Brahma. Singular dream, was it not? + + + + +CHAPTER XVII. + + +Blue and white Christmas, with his henchman, Santa Claus, having come +and gone, leaving behind him, however, for a while, his raiment of white +and blue, with a host of dear memories for our hearts' nourishment +through the next twelvemonth's stage in this journey of life, we think +we cannot better show our appreciation of his goodness than by painting +a portrait of that small fraction of the universal jollity which fell to +our individual lot. + +We have some friends who live in the country, a long way from sidewalks +and gas and railroads, or at least far enough off to debar the dear +souls from many tastes of city pleasures. So, as these friends cannot +well go to town for amusement, and as they have a large love of fun and +several small children, they try to bring amusements home on all festive +occasions. + +To this house, with a small party of mutual acquaintances, we went our +way on the twenty-fifth of December last. Before starting there were +great business operations to be performed, and such a time as we had of +it! One item was easily managed, and caused no mental anxiety. We went +_en masse_ to Ridley's, and, after waiting in a crowd of crinoline for +some time, came away each with his dexter coat-pocket swelled out with a +pound package of mixed candies. That, of course, was simple enough; but +when it came to buying something else--something of a more durable +nature--then our ingenuity was, indeed, put to the test. It will be seen +that our task was no ordinary one. There were three of us, and we each +wished, according to our annual custom, to present each member of the +family with some appropriate gift; and as there were five in the family, +namely--papa, mamma, daughter aged eleven, son aged four, and another +daughter aged two, and assuming that we each only gave one object to +each of the individuals in the country house, it would make--three fives +are fifteen--fifteen different objects to be purchased, every one of +which ought to differ from the other, besides being unlike anything they +would be already likely to possess. When we came to compare notes, we +found that we had, to a man, privately and separately resolved to +present papa with a meerschaum pipe; two out of the three had thoughts +of giving mamma a dressing-case; while the unanimity on the subject of +work-boxes, dolls, and jumping-jacks was really marvellous. + +But we must not linger around fancy-stores, and over candy counters, and +in city streets. We have a long evening before us away off in the +country, over miles of snowy roads. It is enough that, by the aid of a +steaming locomotive, which whizzed and buzzed and thundered us through +the lonely snow-clad cuttings, as though it were saying: "Come along! +come along! come along! Hurry up! Pish! phew! Here's another stoppage! +Clear the track! Don't keep us waiting!" stopping only now and then, +stock still, to brighten up the mean way-station into a glow of +mysterious grandeur, with fitful flashes of light, as though it were +some monster fire-fly of the season. By means of this lusty bug at +first, and afterwards by a rickety, ramshackle, old shandradan of a +hack, tortured along by two horses, one of which was balky, we reached +the house of our entertainers, where the light streamed out through the +red curtains to meet us, and glorified the snow in our path long before +we pulled up at the hospitable door. + +Mr. and Mrs. Merryweather both greeted us heartily before we had kicked +the snow from our boots; while the former, with a celerity equally +creditable to his head and legs, dashed into the kitchen, and reappeared +with three smoking glasses of hot brandy-punch. + +"Here, boys," he cried, "take this. It will keep the cold out. Come, I +insist upon it." + +Mr. Greeley and other good people tell us that it is all wrong to drink +spirituous liquors, and we are not quite clear ourself as to the +propriety of the practice. But there was something genial in the +thoughtful attention of our friend Merryweather, and something else +grateful in the aroma of the brandy-punch, that certainly made us all +feel more truly welcome and happy than had we been politely shown +up-stairs to wash our hands in a cold bedroom, with the prospect of two +doughnuts and a cup of weak tea to follow. + +Aunty Delluvian was of the party, being a very old friend of the family. +With regard to the company generally, it may be defined as mixed. Some +of the children, whose parents were neighbors, betrayed their status by +the excess of starch and bright colors which characterized their +dresses; while others from the city displayed all the ostentatious +simplicity of cultivated taste. + +Mr. Merryweather opened the entertainment with an exceedingly well +intentioned, though rather transparent, display of prestidigitation (if +that is the way to spell the abominable word); but as most of his tricks +depended upon the use of a new and complete set of conjuring apparatus +he had purchased for the occasion, we will not linger over his magic +rings and dice and cups. Two items, however, in his performance being +attainable by very simple means, we will describe. + +At one stage in the entertainment it seemed absolutely necessary that he +should have the aid of a small boy, in order to make six copper cents +pass from under a hat to the top of a bird-cage. Making known his want, +a red-faced youth with black curly hair volunteered his services. The +juvenile, be it observed, had rendered himself somewhat conspicuous by +declaring at the end of every trick that he knew how it was done, and by +inquisitively desiring to inspect the interior of goblets and the +bottoms of boxes. Merryweather's eyes twinkled as this gentleman +tendered his assistance. + +"Here," he said, producing a small trumpet, "this is my magic horn. Take +it in your right hand, till I say: 'Heigh! presto! pass!' Then, if your +lungs are strong enough, and you blow with sufficient force, those six +cents will pass from under the hat to the top of that cage yonder." + +The youth took his stand firmly, looked knowingly, and placed the +trumpet to his lips confidently. + +"Are you ready?" asked Mr. Merryweather. "Then, heigh! presto! pass!" + +In an instant the face of the bold volunteer, black hair, red cheeks, +and all, were white as the driven snow; and comic enough he looked, as +he gaped round with a chap-fallen expression, puzzled beyond measure to +know into what condition he had blown himself. He had, in truth, blown +himself all over flour, the trumpet being constructed for that special +purpose. + +[Illustration] + +[Illustration] + +This instrument is very simple. You first procure a tube of tin, or +wood, or card-board, of about two inches in diameter. A box of the +desired shape can be found in the store of almost any druggist, or in +default of that, a wide-mouthed vial can be made to answer. The next +thing required is a thin tube, for which a piece of elder or a stick of +maccaroni will answer. These, with a large cork or bung, are all the +materials that are required. Having cut a slice off the cork of about +half an inch in thickness, you fit it tightly into the centre of the +large tube; then cut another slice of the cork to fit into one end of +the tube; but, before fixing it, cut some notches round the edge, and +make a hole in the centre large enough to hold firmly the smaller tube. +Now fix the smaller tube in the second cork, so that it will extend +about two-thirds of the way down one of the compartments in the larger +tube; fix the second cork (the one with the notches in it) in the mouth +of the large tube, and the trumpet is made. By referring to the diagram, +you will probably get a better idea of the construction of this weapon +than from our description. + +When you wish to use the instrument, pour flour through the notches you +have cut in the cork, and it is ready. Any one blowing sharply through +the small tube will, of course, blow all the flour in his own face. + +The second item in Mr. Merryweather's entertainment we propose to +describe is still more simple. One of his feats consisted in burning a +hole in a pocket-handkerchief. To do this he required fire, so he +ordered his assistant to bring in a candle, which was accordingly done, +the candle being already lighted. As soon as Mr. Merryweather cast his +eyes upon the luminary, he feigned to fly into a terrible passion, +roundly rating the unfortunate attendant for presenting him with such a +miserable fag-end of an old kitchen dip. Then taking the candle from the +candlestick, he held the wretched stump up to the audience, and appealed +to them whether it was not disgraceful that he, the great Wizard of the +Western World, should be presented with such a paltry luminary. + +"Why," he exclaimed, "I could eat a dozen such for lunch!" + +And, suiting the action to the word, blew out the light, and popped the +offending morsel in his mouth, and quietly munched it up. + +A subdued cry of horror echoed through the apartments, above which was +heard the exclamation of Aunty Delluvian: + +"If the man isn't crunching his candle!" + +[Illustration] + +To those not familiar with it, this trick is certainly startling. The +truth is that the candle in question is made out of a piece of apple, +with a small peg cut from a nut or almond for a wick. The almond wick +will light readily, and burn brightly for some time, so that the +deception is perfect. These diagrams will show the form in which to cut +the candle and the wick, No. 1 representing the candle in its completed +state, and No. 2 the wick before it is inserted. + +The great wizard having completed his performances and retired into +private life, even to the extent of handing cake round to the ladies and +drinking a glass of wine himself, he mingled freely with the throng, but +did not, however, unbend immediately, but smiled condescendingly when +the ladies expressed admiration and surprise at the supernatural powers +he had just displayed. + +Aunty Delluvian continued to evince considerable disgust at our friend +for eating the tallow candle, a feeling which found vent in utterance of +the monosyllables: + +"Finn! The Finn! The Finn!" + +This good Aunty favored us with a narrative concerning an uncle of hers, +who was a sea-captain, and once made a voyage to "Moscow!" It was a +peculiarity, be it observed, of Aunty Delluvian, that she appeared to +have uncles ready at hand for all emergencies. She told us that this +uncle, when at the Sclavonic capital, invited some Russian officers on +board his ship to dine. The dinner was of the most sumptuous +description, but the Muscovites seemed to take but little interest in +the repast, until something on deck happened to call the host +up-stairs; on his return he found all the guests looking more cheerful. +They chatted pleasantly until the party broke up; and then, and not till +then, he discovered that his friends, during his absence, had drunk all +the oil out of the lamps, eaten six boxes of candles stowed away under +the table, and had even devoured the shaving-soap off his +dressing-table. + +[Illustration: THE HEADLESS BODY.--_See page 209._] + +We had a faint recollection of having heard this story before, and quite +pleased Aunty Delluvian by telling her so; she considered it quite a +tribute to her uncle's popularity. + +The second feature of the evening's programme was of a less cheerful +character than the first, consisting of the display of a no more +pleasing object than a bodyless head. Our illustration on next page will +at once place the scene before our readers, bereft, however, of some of +the grim features of the real spectacle; for, as we beheld it, there was +the real flesh tint, and the eyes rolled fearfully. + +Startling and complete as is the illusion in this case, it is very +simply managed. Get some person with a high forehead and tolerably long +hair, and paint under the eyes a pair of eyebrows, and on the forehead a +nose and pair of moustaches, as represented in the annexed cut. Then +make the person lie down on his back under a table, in such a way that +you can arrange a curtain so as to conceal all the body and half the +face. Brush the hair out to resemble a beard, and you have a perfect +representation of a bodyless head. + +[Illustration] + +For painting the moustaches and eyebrows, Indian-ink or burnt cork will +answer. + +There is one advantage which the spectacle can boast of: it affords the +ladies an opportunity for giving those sweet little musical shrieks +which are so charming, and of being frightened generally--some ladies +look very bewitching when they are frightened--besides giving ladies an +excuse for clinging to gentlemen's arms, which is very pleasant for the +gentlemen. + +Mr. Merryweather now introduced to our notice a young gentleman who was +detailed to amuse us with some specimens of ventriloquism. We had no +notion before this time, when our attention was particularly drawn to +the subject, how much suitable action has to do with ventriloquial +illusions. As performed before us by the young gentleman in question, +whose name was Noddles, the deception was capital; but when the sounds +were reproduced in a private room, without action, for our special +instruction, we marvelled that any one could have been deluded by them. +First of all, Mr. Noddles imitated the drawing of a cork. To give +effect to this, he turned his back to the audience, and feigned to +have a bottle between his knees. The method of doing this is so +simple that we think we can almost describe it in words. First you +make three or four chirps in succession, such as people are in the +habit of making to birds; this sounds like driving in the corkscrew. +Then you place your fore-finger in your mouth, and force it out so +as to make a loud pop, which signifies that the cork is drawn. Then +you smack your lips together, producing a sound something like +"Pop--pop--pop--pop--pop--pop" rapidly, to imitate the wine bubbling +from the bottle. _Voilà tout!_ + +After that, Mr. Noddles pretended to call to a mason up the chimney, +the mason answering in a husky voice from above, and finally proceeding +with his work of knocking out a brick. The knocking was produced much in +the same way as the pouring out the wine, by parting the lips suddenly; +only, in the case of the brick, the note was in a deeper key, more +resembling "Bubp--bubp--bubp--bubp." We noticed particularly that when +the performer addressed the person up the chimney, he spoke with +especial clearness, delivering the words, as much as possible, from the +lips. This was in order to produce a strong contrast to the tones of the +man up the chimney, which were produced far down in his own throat. + +Another of his performances was to pretend that a dog was under the +lounge, which refused to come out, and finally bit him when he tried to +drag it out by the leg. + +Still another consisted in imitating a man outside the door trying to +force it open. Sometimes the supposed man would succeed in forcing the +door a short way, when a gush of his loud voice would rush in, to be +immediately cut short by the sudden closing of the door. + +[Illustration] + +Mr. Noddles concluded his part of the entertainment by the performance +of the jumping rabbit--the rabbit on this occasion being made out of a +lady's fur cuff tied up with a piece of string. This crude counterfeit +of bunny he laid on the palm of his left hand, with one end resting +against his fingers, as represented in the cut, while with the other +hand he stroked and caressed it, saying at the same time, "Be still, +bunny--don't run away; if you run away the dogs will catch you, and you +will be made into chicken-pie, and your skin will be made into a fur cap +and sold in the Bowery to--hallo! hold on! hi!" the latter exclamations +being elicited by the rabbit jumping up his arm, while he struggled to +capture it and bring it back with his right hand. The first jump made by +the rabbit was produced by a sharp jerk of the fingers, which sometimes +sends him flying into the middle of the room with a most lifelike +effect. + +But now a more imposing portion of the programme claims our attention. A +subdued jingling of bells is heard at the door, a few spasmodic bumps, +and in trots the patron saint of the day--good Santa Claus, sleigh, +reindeer, red cap, and all. (See next page.) It may not have been +polite, but we could not help it, and greeted the good saint with an +unrestrained roar of laughter. Surely never before was seen out of +Noah's Ark such a comical steed, such legs, such proportions, and such a +dislocated style of locomotion. No matter, he amused us more than a +whole troop of the veritable article from Spitzbergen; and, as a simple +act of justice between man and beast, we must admit that he propelled +Santa Claus and his turn-out in a most efficient, not to say +intelligent, style around the room. This was the Merryweather substitute +for a Christmas-tree. Santa Claus came to distribute the +Christmas-gifts--a task he performed with a discretion beyond his years. +It is pleasing to record that no one, not even the dullest in the +company, recognised Master Georgy in his disguise; but one and all, with +admirable tact, feigned to be completely taken in, and fully believed +that they were receiving a visit from the good saint himself. + +[Illustration: THE ARRIVAL OF SANTA CLAUS.--_See page 214._] + +[Illustration] + +[Illustration] + +[Illustration] + +After the _vulgaris pueris_, the _elephant_, and other specimens of +zoology, it is almost needless to explain how the reindeer was +constructed. Our illustration seems almost superfluous; still, something +may be made a little clearer by them; and to them we refer the reader +who wishes to learn how to build a reindeer. In the case before us, the +hide of the deer was made out of a pair of army blankets, purchased by +Merryweather for five dollars in Chambers street--about the best +material that could possibly be selected for the purpose. These he cut +out and fitted himself, and had them sewed on his wife's +sewing-machine. The head and horns were made of thick brown paper, and +here is the most difficult part of the animal to describe--not the most +difficult to make, bear in mind. We hate long explanations, and yet we +feel puzzled now, as we have often been before, to tell you how to make +this reindeer mask. However, here goes: You require two or three sheets +of thick brown paper, a bowl of paste (flour and water boiled), and a +block of wood, from the wood-pile, of about six or seven inches in +diameter. (See annexed cut.) You moisten one sheet of the paper +slightly, and then mould it over the block; having done this, you smear +the entire surface with paste, and mould another sheet of paper over +that; then you smear the second sheet over with paste, and mould a third +sheet over all; then let them stand till dry. This, when dry, can be +removed from the block, and will give you a hollow cone on which you can +paint the eyes and mouth of the deer, and to which you can likewise +paste the horns, as indicated in this diagram. It may strike you that +the diagram looks more like a bottle-nosed shark than the face of any +denizen of the forest. You must not, however, be discouraged on this +account; it will look all right when you get it in its proper place. + +Need we add, that after this we had supper; when good-humor culminated +in the grand old song of "Auld Lang Syne," all singing and joining hands +round the table, down even to the little two and a half year old Dolly, +whose _auld lang syne_ dated no further back than two strawberry +seasons. The idea of taking a "richt gude wully wut" with such a wee +mite of a thing was so very comic that we all laughed right merrily, +while Mrs. Merryweather, with tears in her eyes, clasped the child to +her bosom as though she would protect it from some impending danger, +possibly the approach of the monster "richt gude wully wut." + +The ladies and children retired. And we gentlemen soothed our excited +nerves with a quiet cigar in Mr. Merryweather's library. + + + + +CHAPTER XVIII. + + +We shall now amuse the fireside with a little song, or rather we will +try to tell our friends how to gladden their own chimney-corners with +the songs of birds through the long winter evenings. It will be pleasant +when the wind is howling without among the snow-laden limbs of the +trees, to be reminded of the gay summer by the counterfeit notes of the +woodland songsters. Still, we must warn our readers, that to acquire the +art thoroughly needs patience and perseverance; we can but tell them how +to make and use the instrument, and the rest they must learn for +themselves. First look at the annexed diagram, and then procure a leek +and cut off from the green leaf thereof a piece about the size of the +diagram; then lay it on a smooth table, and with the thumb-nail +delicately scrape away a semicircular patch of the green pulpy +substance of the leaf (as represented in the diagram), being careful to +leave the fine membrane or outer skin of the leaf uninjured--and there +is the instrument complete. It may require several experiments to make +the first one, but once having discovered the right way, they are very +easily manufactured. The reader may not be aware of the fact that the +leaf of the leek has a fine transparent outer skin which is quite tough, +but by breaking and carefully examining one or two leaves, he will soon +find out to what we allude. + +[Illustration] + +The way of using this instrument is to place it in the roof of the mouth +with the side on which is the membrane downwards; then press it gently +in its place with the tongue, and blow between the tongue and the upper +teeth. After the first two or three attempts, you will be able to +produce a slight sound like a mild grunt; then as you practise it you +will find that you can prolong and vary the sound somewhat, so that in +the course of a couple of days you can imitate the barking of a dog and +the neighing of a horse. With two or three weeks' practice, you will be +able to imitate some of the song-birds; but to produce exact +counterfeits of the best singing-birds will probably require months of +study; the result, however, will reward you for all your pains; for +certainly to be able to carry a mocking-bird, canary, thrush, cat-bird, +and sucking-pig in your vest-pocket is no small accomplishment. + +When not using the instrument, it should be kept in a glass of water to +prevent its drying. + + + + +CHAPTER XIX. + + +Those _tranquil moods_ of which we have twice spoken come over us with +still increasing frequency. Little Pickle is certainly a very smart boy. +We are giving him lessons in drawing; he comes on rapidly, but requires +a great deal of attention. Our time passes peaceably enough in study and +contemplation. Nix has procured us some more works of Brahminical lore. +It is a curious religion, that of the Hindoos, resembling in many points +Christianity. Nix declares, in his good-natured way, that we are more +than half converted already, and threatens to send a missionary to +reason us back from heathenism, as we need a minister badly. He is an +exceedingly good-natured fellow is Nix, though a little broad, perhaps, +at times, in his style of jocularity. Our readers are probably not aware +that there is a certain form of vulgar humor known as a sell, which +consists in inducing some person to ask you a question, and then giving +some idiotic answer in reply. The other day Nix overtook us in Broadway. +After talking a few minutes he exclaimed: + +"Oh, by the way, I have a note for you," at the same time feeling +vigorously in his pockets. + +"When did you get it? Who is it from?" we inquired, with some +earnestness, for we were expecting a letter from some one. + +"Don't know--don't know," he replied, continuing to fumble in his +pockets. "Ah, here it is." + +At the same time grasping one hand, he placed in it an oat--one seed of +the grain upon which horses and Scotchmen are fed. + +Nix laughed boisterously, and told us we were _sold_. We don't see very +much fun in it. + +We have spent another pleasant evening at the Adams'. We mentioned in a +recent chapter making some preparations for a little party they were +about to give. Well, it went off very pleasantly indeed; there were no +hitches and no awful pauses. Indeed, our own pleasure would have been +unalloyed had it not been for the presence of one officious person with +large whiskers, who (there are always one or more such persons in every +assembly) obtruded his attentions too much on the ladies; we observed +that Bud, amongst others, was quite embarrassed by them. She was too +well bred, however, to allow him to perceive her vexations, though I +must say I think there is is such a thing as carrying complaisance and +self-abnegation too far. + +The scientific gentleman with gold spectacles was there, and had an +electrical novelty for us which attracted much attention. At first we +supposed the gentleman named was giving Little Pickle lessons in +skating, for he was directing that youth's movements as he shuffled up +and down the hearth-rug in his slippered feet. Rather jealous for the +credit of our pupil, we informed the spectacles that there was nothing +in the way of skating he could teach Master Pickle, he being already a +proficient in that art. To which he only replied: + +"Put your knuckle to his nose." + +Rather staggered by this request, which savored somewhat of the ruder +style of badinage, and the very last thing we expected from the decorous +gentleman of science, we replied, with just a shade of hauteur: + +"Sir?" + +"Put your knuckle to his nose." + +"Really, I do not comprehend you." + +"Put your finger to his nose and you will get a shock." + +All this time Little Pickle was sliding and _slithering_ up and down the +rug in a manner highly calculated to wear out that costly piece of +furniture. + +"You perceive," continued spectacles, in an explanatory way, "that he +has slippers on his feet. By keeping his feet in close contact with the +rug, and rubbing them violently up and down, he generates electricity in +his body to such an extent that he can transmit quite a sensible shock +to another person.[2] Now try!" + + [2] The spark emitted is sufficiently powerful to light a + jet of gas. + +We tried. Tick! A most unmistakable spark passed from the nose of L. P. +to our knuckle. + +The guests now began to crowd round, applying their knuckles to the poor +boy's nose to that extent that it grew quite red, which, combined with a +trifling unsteadiness his legs acquired from the unusual exertion, gave +the dear boy quite a _groggy_ appearance. Indeed, we observed his mother +soon after draw him towards her and, stooping down, whisper something in +his ear, at which he colored up, shook his head, and replied quickly, +"No, only lemonade." + +The scientific person, who was really a very amiable gentleman after +all, taught us during the evening to make quite a curious little toy--to +wit, a miniature camera. Having enlisted the services of Little Pickle, +he procured a small pill-box, a minute fragment about half an inch +square of broken looking-glass, and a fragment of beeswax. He first +bored a small hole in the centre of the lid of the pill-box and another +in the side; he then, with the aid of the beeswax, stuck the piece of +the mirror across the bottom of the box at an angle of forty-five +degrees to the axis of the disc of the box, so that by looking through +one hole he could see objects through the other hole, thus enabling a +person to look behind him. We feel that this description is not very +clear, and yet for the life of us we do not know how to make it clearer. +The best plan for the reader will be to look well at the diagrams +showing the inside and outside of the camera, get the wax, glass, and +pill-box, and then _potter_ about with them till he gets it right. + +[Illustration] + +Camera led the conversation in our corner of the room to the subject of +optical illusions, when some one of course suggested the hat experiment. +There is probably nothing the proportions of which are so deceptive as a +hat. Reader, if you have never tried the experiment, take a stick and +point out on the wall how high you think a hat would reach from the +floor if placed on its crown, as represented in our sketch. + +[Illustration] + +Aunty Delluvian, the first to try, took the stick and boldly measured +off a distance of between two and three feet, and utterly laughed to +scorn the moderate persons who satisfied themselves with ten inches. +After each of the measurements was marked with a pencil, and the hat +itself put beside them, showing every one to be wrong, Aunty's +amazement knew no bounds. Indeed, she would not be satisfied till we +brought our own hat to convince her that some deception had not been +practised. + +This was Aunty Delluvian's first visit to the Adams', having only +recently been introduced through the agency of Nix. I was, therefore, +not unprepared for some criticism on our friends; but when the good +lady, towards the close of the evening, took us to one side and said +confidentially and emphatically, nodding her head at the same time +knowingly, "No flippery, flummery. I like her!" we were a little +surprised, the statement was so emphatic and yet so vague. That was all +she said, walking away briskly when she had so delivered herself, as +though she had rendered a final verdict. To which of the family did she +refer? To Mrs. Adams, we presume, and yet she might have said something +about the other members of the family. She is a queer creature is Aunty +Delluvian. + +We are disposed to think that the ART of entertaining is rarely if ever +regarded as an ART, and certainly never treated as such. We, however, on +this occasion, laid our plans and arranged our forces with as much care +and skill as a general exercises in laying out a campaign. We have as +profound a respect for a good commissary as ever did Napoleon Bonaparte. +We had our reserve, too, and our signal corps, so that should the battle +waver at any moment, it might be immediately set going again. Amongst +other resources, we had a number of surprise pictures concealed in a +certain place, which were to be produced when occasion might require. +One of these will be found on opposite page, and comprises fifteen faces +in one. Pictures of this kind always amuse, and are fine provocatives of +conversation. + +[Illustration: FIFTEEN FACES IN ONE.--_See page 229._] + +Reader, when you give a party, do not bring your entire force into +action at first; always have a reserve to fall back upon. + +We saw a whole group which was showing alarming symptoms of +demoralization rallied with a pocket-handkerchief. Nix saw the +emergency, drew his handkerchief, tied one end round the tip of his +finger, on which, with a few dots of the pen, he had indicated a comic +face, and threw himself into the dispirited crew, exclaiming: + +"This is Rantepolefungus, the mysterious magician of Morocco." Then, in +a feigned voice: + +[Illustration] + +[Illustration] + +"How do, pretty ladee and gentlemen? Me tell fortune, work spell, makee +incantation. Me tell you fortune, pretty missee; you be, by-a-by, sixt +wife great street contractor; favorite wife, he givee dust-cart full of +greeny-back; much lovee you; cut off head of all other wife, makee you +much happy; he givee you large gold ring big's flour-barrel to wear in +your nosee, and six whiskey cocktails every morning. Pretty ladee, give +great magician buckshees," and a whole string of other nonsense, the +little Moor moving his head and hands all the time, suiting the action +to the words. + +The sketches opposite will show how the Moor is made. + +As we walked home with Nix, smoking our cigars, we agreed that the party +had been managed with consummate generalship. As we parted, he asked us +if we should like to have a small statue of Vishnu? Wonder what he +meant. + + + + +CHAPTER XX. + + +Those red and green lights which lend such a glory to the final tableaux +of fairy pieces on the public stage, can easily be introduced into +private parlor performances. There is no danger in using them; they are +quite inexpensive, and very easily managed. Warning, however, should be +given to all asthmatic persons to vacate the ranch before firing off, as +their fumes are apt to produce unpleasant results. When we first +performed the play of _Bullywingle the Beloved_, the red light was +calculated on as a startling feature of the performance. At the proper +moment the match was applied, the combustibles behaved handsomely, +everybody was entranced, all save one unfortunate gentleman, subject to +asthma, who created quite a sensation by rushing out of the house in a +choking condition, and remaining speechless in the snow for over twenty +minutes. + +The mode of working these lights is to place one of the powders, for +which we shall presently give you prescriptions, in an iron shovel, and +apply a lighted match. The powder will begin to burn slowly, emitting a +bright red or green light, accompanied by volumes of smoke. Before +exhibiting these lights, all others in the room, gas or lamps, should be +turned down as low as possible. + +If the operator stands behind the scenes, so as to be out of sight +during the performance, the effect is what Artemus Ward would call +_Trooly Grand_. + +In order to procure the lights, go to some druggist and give him the +following prescriptions. He will procure the necessary materials and mix +them for you. + + +RED FIRE. + +Forty parts of dry nitrate of strontian, thirteen parts of finely +powdered sulphur, five parts of chlorate of potash, and four parts of +sulphuret of antimony. The chlorate of potash and sulphuret of antimony +should be powdered separately in a mortar, and then mixed together on +paper; after which they may be added to the other ingredients, +previously powdered and mixed. + + +GREEN FIRE. + +Green fire, when burned in a reflector, sheds a beautiful light on all +surrounding objects. Take of flour of sulphur thirteen parts, of nitrate +of baryta seventy-seven, of oxymuriate of potassa five, of metallic +arsenic two, of charcoal three. The nitrate of baryta should be well +dried and powdered; it should then be mixed with the other ingredients, +all finely pulverized, and the whole triturated until perfectly blended +together. A little calamine may be occasionally added, in order to make +the compound slower of combustion; and it is above all things requisite +that the rubbing together of the materials should be continued until +they are completely mixed. + +It may so happen that in some of your parlor theatricals you may wish to +introduce a storm, so we will tell you how to manage it. + +There are several elements in a storm which can be counterfeited. + + Thunder. + Snow. + The sound of rain or hail. + Lightning. + Wind. + +The noise of thunder is produced by shaking a sheet of iron behind the +scenes. The sheet should be about three feet square, and can be procured +at any stove store. + +Snow can be represented by throwing handfuls of small scraps of paper +from above. + +It is best to mount on a chair or step-ladder behind the scenes, and +strew them down in the proper direction. The scraps of paper should be +of course white and _torn_, not cut, of the requisite size. + +The sound of rain or hail is produced thus: Get the carpenter to make +for you a box, from eight to twelve feet in length, and of about four +inches inside diameter; put in a couple of handfuls of dried peas, and +then fasten up the box; when you wish to make rain, tilt up one end of +the box and let the peas run down to the other end, then reverse the box +and let them run back again. As long as you continue to do this you will +have an excellent imitation of rain, at least as far as the sound is +concerned. + +Lightning is imitated by having a lamp in a box; whenever you want to +produce a flash, open the lid suddenly and close it again. Of course all +the other lights in the room must have been previously lowered. + +Wind. Sufficient wind to blow about the flakes of snow can be produced +with a very large fan, a wooden frame with calico stretched over it +being as good as anything. But to simulate the effects of a gale, some +other means must be adopted. + +[Illustration] + +We will assume that the curtain rises on a storm scene; thunder and hail +are heard, and fitful flashes of lightning illumine the landscape. Enter +a wandering female, a little girl, we will presume, in search of +shelter; as she walks on to the stage leaning forward as though +struggling against the blast, her shawl and dress are violently agitated +by the wind. To produce this effect attach two or three strong threads +to the garments named, and at the proper time jerk and pull them with a +tremulous motion, to impart the natural action. The preceding diagram +will illustrate our meaning. + +These instructions may be found useful to amateur players, and will +certainly heighten the effect of the performance when they can be +introduced. + +There is another point in connection with _make-up_ to which we may as +well call the reader's attention before closing this chapter. All +persons, no matter how ruddy their complexions may be, look pale or +sallow under the influence of the bright light necessary to illuminate a +stage; to counteract this effect it is absolutely necessary to rouge, or +in other words, paint the cheeks pink; a little carmine from your +paint-box will serve for this purpose, if you have not the regular rouge +powder on hand. + + + + +CHAPTER XXI. + + +It is marvellous how much amusement, in a quiet way, can be got out of a +pair of scissors and a piece of card-board. Moreover, if the fingers be +plump and white, we know of no position in which they look more +tantalizingly bewitching, than when harnessed like a couple of white +mice in the iron yoke of a pair of liliputian shears. We have passed +many a pleasant evening in contemplating and cutting. On one occasion +which we remember well, as it led to sudden and unexpected matrimony of +a valued friend, we sat till twelve o'clock at night and used up a whole +pack of cards, except the jack of diamonds, in making boomerangs and +other mechanical notions. The boomerang we have already introduced to +our readers, and some of the other contraptions we shall now proceed to +explain. So scare up all the cards you can, and bring out your army of +scissors. + +[Illustration] + +One card puzzle we have often tried, and with which most persons are +familiar, is that of the cross. You cut out of card or stiff paper, five +pieces similar in shape and size to the following, viz. one piece of +fig. 1, one piece of fig. 2, and three pieces of fig. 3. + +These five pieces you put together so as to make a cross like Figure 4. + +[Illustration] + +If you cannot solve the problem, look at the following cut, and you will +cease to be puzzled. + +[Illustration] + +Now we will try another card puzzle. Cut a piece of card or paper in the +shape of a horse-shoe, and mark on it the places for the nails as +represented in the subjoined sketch. + +The puzzle is with two cuts to divide it into six parts, each part +containing one nail. + +Of course you cannot do it; we could not do it ourselves, and had to get +the white mice to show us the way. + +Somehow or another we never can find out anything with half a dozen +taper fingers fluttering before our eyes. They bewilder us terribly, +getting between the feet of our ideas, so to speak, and tripping us up; +as young lambs might serve an awkward shepherd. + +Well, the mystery is solved thus: you cut off the upper circular part, +containing two of the nails; then by changing the position of the piece, +another cut will divide the horse-shoe into six portions, each +containing one nail. + +[Illustration] + +The next trick is of a slightly different style. Cut two pieces of card +like those represented in the diagram and place them in the position +represented; the problem is, with a small stick or lead-pencil, to +raise them from the table, without of course touching them with your +fingers. You may try this as often as you like. If you succeed, well and +good; if you do not, you can come back here and refer to the solution. + +[Illustration] + +Here is a picture (No. 2) representing the way in which it is done; need +we add anything in the way of explanation? We think not--so we won't do +it. + + + + +CHAPTER XXII. + + +Nix has a sister married to a wealthy leather merchant, whose place of +business is in that odoriferous part of New York city called The Swamp. +She is very beautiful, so we call her the _Swamp Angel_, and her +husband's counting-house, _Araby the Blest_. Her children we have +christened _Findings_, the youngest being always spoken of as the +_last_. We have numerous jokes, of course, about the _cobbler sticking +to his last_, the _best quality of calf_, and so on. She is very +good-natured, and enjoys our badinage heartily, having a healthy vein of +fun of her own, which transmutes all the little events of domestic life +into the most refined humor. We like humor in a woman, or we should +rather say in a gentlewoman; her culture and the natural tact peculiar +to her sex, seem to eliminate any of those grosser particles which the +coarse sensibilities of a man would not detect. Humor is as fascinating +in a woman as sarcasm is abominable; it requires the very highest +breeding to make the latter quality moderately safe in the hands of +young women. For our own part, we would rather see a woman chew tobacco +than hear her say sharp things. However, this is a digression. Mrs. +Crofton, as we said, is very fond of fun, and in her house there is that +perfect ease and abandon which can only be enjoyed by well-bred people; +whoever visits there is at home; and a favored few, of whom the writer +has the honor of being one, are treated quite as _enfants de famille_. + +If, on calling, we find the heads of the house from home, we know where +the claret and cigars are kept. Cicero, the negro waiter, obeying +standing orders, promptly serves up some repast, and presses the +hospitality of the house upon us with all the aplomb and grace for which +his race are remarkable. + +We drop into breakfast whenever we feel so disposed, and invite +ourselves to dinner or tea as freely as though our friends kept a hotel; +indeed we jocularly call their mansion by various public names: "The +Crofton House," "Fifth Avenue Hotel," "The Shoe and Leather House," +etc., etc. We have perpetrated more sheer, downright nonsense in their +saloons than any forty strait-laced country school-children ever +condescended to commit in their rural play-ground. + +One day during the holidays, when some fourteen or fifteen friends had +dropped in _quite promiscuous_, and were playing all kinds of tricks, a +certain gentleman, imported from England, an officer in the Guards, +genus Swell, "pwoposed" that we should play the _Muffin man_. As none of +us had ever heard of this gentleman or the muffin business, there was a +general cry for light. + +"Oh, its vewy jolly, I asshua yaw. We all sit wound in a wing, yaw know, +and one of us, yaw know, sings: + + "'Do yaw know the muffin man, + Do yaw know his name, + Do yaw know the muffin man, + That lives in Cwumpet Lane.' + +Then the next person answers: + + "'Oh, yes, I know the muffin man, + Oh, yes, I know the muffin man, + Oh, yes, I know the muffin man, + Who lives in Cwumpet[3] Lane.' + +Then he turns to the next person, and when each person has sung his +verse, yaw know, he then joins in the cawus,[4] until it has gone all +wound;[5] then, yaw know, we all sing together: + + "'We all know the muffin man, + We all know his name; + We all know the muffin man, + Who lives in Cwumpet Lane.' + +The game is, yaw know, to keep a gwave[6] face all the time. If yaw +laugh yaw pay a forfeit." + +"The muffin man, the muffin man," echoed half a dozen voices; "let us +play the muffin man." + + [3] This word means Crumpet. + + [4] This word means Chorus. + + [5] Round. + + [6] Grave. + +The proposition being carried _nem. con._, we all sat "wound in a wing," +or round in a ring, a circle of individuals of every age from three up +to seventy. The Englishman, as head instigator, started the game, but +before he got half through his verse we were all in convulsions of +laughter; the next person took it up, but it was utterly useless to +think of collecting the forfeits; we were all, in spite of every effort, +like a party of maniacs reeling in our seats with merriment. There was +something so utterly idiotic and absurd in a large party of respectable, +rational beings, congratulating themselves in song that they "knew the +muffin man of Crumpet Lane." + +The English swell was immediately made an honorary member of our order, +which is, as yet, without a name. + +As we had all laughed our throats dry, Mr. Crofton invited us into the +next room to _see a man_, as the Immortal Artemus delicately expresses +it, so we all went in and saw the man. Some of us saw him in ice claret, +some in hot punch, and some in cool champagne. One of Crofton's +children, a maiden aged three years, whom they called Toney, as the +diminutive of her Christian name, Antonia, came toddling in with the +rest and said: + +"Me, Nooni, want see man." Whereupon her father gave her a goblet of +lemonade. She just tasted it, and handed it back with supreme contempt, +saying: + +"Me, Nooni, want banny wasser;" which being translated into English +means: + +"Me, Toney, wants brandy and water." + +The little voluptuary was satisfied with a glass of weak claret punch. + +During this conversation, Bub, a patriarch of five years, who had been +looking on with a very patronizing air, now came forward, and laying his +hand on his sister's shoulder, lisped out: + +"Oh, you tunnen witty sing, zats nice banny water." Then turning to us +in a confidential way, he continued: "She's a witty durl (little girl); +she finks (thinks) zats banny water; banny water make witty durls fick +(sick); me, big boy, banny water not make me fick." + +We gave him a nondescript drink, flavored with every liquor on the +table, which made him feel immensely proud. + +"Let us play at earth, air, fire, and water," said Mrs. Crofton. + +"Very well, Toney," answered her husband. "You can play at earth, and I +will play with the fire-water." So saying, he filled himself a glass of +punch, and stretched his limbs in an easy-chair. + +"I think my husband is the laziest fellow living," laughed Mrs. Crofton. +"I do believe if I were being carried off by wild Indians, he would make +a note of it in his memorandum book, to have his porter attend to the +matter next day." + +Nix here interposed: "Dear, dear, these family quarrels are very +painful. Come, Toney, and help to amuse the young people. Earth, air, +fire, and water, whatever that may be, is the order of the day. How do +you play it, Toney?" + +"You all sit round the room, and then one of the party throws something +at one of the others, at the same time naming one of the elements, +earth, or air, or fire, or water; then he begins to count one, two, +three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, and before he says ten, the +person struck must name some animal living in the element chosen." + +"Well, but what do you throw at the person?" inquired Nix; "a bureau, or +decanter, for instance?" + +"No, no; something small and soft, like a pair of gloves, or--or--oh, I +know, wait a minute and I will run up-stairs and get the baby's worsted +ball; that will be just the thing." + +While Mrs. Crofton was absent, and she was detained rather longer than +her mission seemed to warrant, Nix, in poking about in his sister's +work-basket in pursuit of mischief, discovered a piece of white beeswax. + +"Eureka!" he exclaimed, "I have it; we will play Toney a trick before +she comes back; we will make her think some one has broken her new +mirror." + +Saying this, he advanced to a large pier-glass between the windows, and +marked on it a huge star with the white wax something like the +accompanying diagram, and then instructed one or two of us to make +lamentations over it when his sister should return. We had not to wait +long: in a few minutes Mrs. C. entered the room, whereupon we +conspirators set to work gesticulating, and talking over the supposed +catastrophe. + +"Dear! dear!" said one, "how unfortunate!" + +"How did it happen?" queried a second. + +[Illustration] + +"I really don't know," answered a third. "I merely heard a crash, +and----" + +Here the lady came on the scene, looking quite flushed. + +"I knew you children would be in some mischief," she said, "while I was +away. I suppose this is some of my clumsy brother's work. He never comes +into the house without destroying something." + +"I'm very sorry," whined Nix, contritely; "it was quite an accident, I +assure you; but I wonder whether it could not be mended?" + +"Mended! you goose," exclaimed his sister. "Who ever heard of mending a +broken mirror! It will take a pretty big cheque on your banker to mend +that, sir." + +"I am not so sure of that," replied Nix. "If it is not very bad I +might----any way I will try." Suiting the action to the words, he +advanced towards the mirror in such a position that his sister could not +see what he did, and very deliberately wiped out the wax marks with his +pocket-handkerchief. The astonishment of Mrs. C. at this miracle knew no +bounds, nor could the gift of any amount of new pier-glasses have given +her more pleasure. + +"Now, then, all take your seats; we are going to play earth, air, fire, +and water." + +The circle is formed; our hostess holds the woollen ball poised in her +hand for an instant, and then sends it flying into the bosom of a +grey-haired old gentleman, at the same time uttering the word "air," and +commencing to count rapidly, "one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, +eight, nine, ten." The old gentleman seemed utterly paralysed until she +had finished counting, when he stammered out, "Wh--h--h--h--h--PIG!" +amidst the roars of laughter of every one present. Of course he had to +pay a forfeit, and took his turn at throwing the ball. + +No one who has not seen this game played can conceive how ludicrous it +is, or how much good wholesome laughter may be got out of it. When a +sufficient number of forfeits had accumulated, they were cried in the +usual manner. A good deal of ingenuity was displayed in awarding the +tasks as well as in executing them. One was that the owner of this +"pretty thing" should make an impromptu containing the names of every +one in the room, and was managed in the following style: + + "Three Howards--Corsey, Toney, Archibald, and Nix, + Bub, Brown, Campbell, Jim and Jane have got me in a fix." + +Another task imposed was, that the owner of a cigar-case should give us +a riddle no one could solve. Going into the next room, this person +procured a glass of wine, and holding it up said: "Gentlemen, I give you +'the ladies.'" No one attempted to solve this riddle. Another gentleman +was ordered to point out the greatest goose in the room. This delicate +task he set about performing in the following manner: he went to one +young lady and asked her to hold up her face to the light, which she +did, whereupon he imprinted a chaste salute on her lips; he then went to +the next, but she persisted in holding down her head. He then turned +round to his tasker and said: "Really it is impossible for me to +determine which are the geese if they will not allow me to examine +their bills." He was let off. + +When all the forfeits were restored, even to little Toney's +pocket-handkerchief, which she recovered by throwing herself into her +papa's arms and hugging him round the neck, as the _prettiest_, and +_wittiest_, and _one she loved best_, we all adjourned to broiled +oysters and chicken salad. + + + + +CHAPTER XXIII. + + +A few days ago when the blistering sun had converted the whole of New +York city into one vast bake-oven, Nix called at our office, and +proposed a flying trip to a certain watering-place. We will not mention +its name for fear of incurring the suspicion of writing puffs. It was, +however, sufficiently unfashionable to be tolerably comfortable. In +order to reach our destination we took an early steamboat, leaving New +York at six o'clock in the morning. With what intense satisfaction we +became conscious of possessing lungs as we inhaled the cool air which +had been washing itself all night in the great waves of the Atlantic +ocean, or sleeping among the pine-woods of Delaware and New Jersey. +There is nothing surely which makes one feel more grateful for the gift +of life than to breathe the early morning air, laden with the perfume +of salt-water. On this occasion the bracing atmosphere gave a relish to +everything. The crisp broiled ham, the clam-fritters, and even the +miserable coffee we had for breakfast on board, all tasted like food +worthy of the gods. And as for our cigars (genuine Havanas) which +followed the meal, their incense fairly sent us up to the seventh heaven +of delight. But our business is to write on the _Art of Amusing_, and +although an early steamboat trip may be one of the most enjoyable of +things, it scarcely comes within the sphere of our work. + +When we arrived at the hotel, we found the lady guests were in process +of organizing a fair for the benefit of the sufferers by the great +Portland fire. + +Nix rushed into the enterprise with his usual enthusiasm; and by that +evening, when the fair commenced, had fully qualified himself to start +in business as a Three-sticks-a-penny-man. This plebeian pastime he had +picked up at some English race or fair he had once visited, and now +attempted with considerable success to acclimatize in America. His first +step was to go to the village store and purchase a number of penknives, +jack-knives, pincushions, tobacco-boxes, and similar contraptions. His +second care was to cut half-a-dozen hickory-sticks or wands, of about +four feet six inches in length, and of the thickness of your middle +finger--that is, if you are blest with as spacious a paw as ourself; if +not, we feel at a loss how to convey to your mind an approximate idea of +the measurement. But suppose you take any healthy Irish day-laborer, and +make his third finger the standard, not the part where the knobs are, +but the spaces between them. Well, Nix cut six sticks of about the +thickness of a healthy Irish day-laborer's third finger, in the spaces +between the joints or knobs. He then cut a dozen other sticks of about +the thickness of anybody's wrist, and about two feet long. Good! When he +wished to commence operations on the fair-ground he selected a piece of +level turf, and on one side of it dug six holes about the size of the +late Daniel Webster's hat; these holes he half filled with sand, and in +the centre of every hole he then stuck one of the sticks of _about_ the +thickness of a healthy Irish, etc., etc. Then on the top of each stick +he balanced a jack-knife, pin-cushion, or some other object of more or +less value. Now all his preparations were completed. He was prepared to +receive customers. Standing in a commanding attitude, at a distance of +about thirty feet from the arrangement we have described, he cried out +in truly English style: + +"Now, ladies and gents, ere yer are--three sticks a penny. Any lady or +gent wishin to make a immediate fortin, and marry the being of his art +on the result, have only to invest a few dollars in my establishment, +and he will retire wealthy in arf a nour. Here, ladies and gents, look +at these ere sticks" (holding up one of the clubs about the thickness of +anybody's wrist), "hall you ave to do is to throw one of these ere at +them there" (pointing to the pincushions, etc.); "hany article you knock +orf is yourn, provided it don't fall inter the ole. Now, all I charge +you for the priviledge orf throwin' three of these sticks, is the +radicerlously small sum of ten cents. You are sure to win five dollars +each time. Now, walk up; walk up, and take yer chance, and make yer +everlastin fortin; marry the hobject of yer haffections, and build yer +pallatial willa on the Udson." + +Here a courageous youth stepped up, examined the whole arrangement +minutely, and concluded to invest ten cents. Fortunately for Nix and the +cause this youth knocked off a dollar jack-knife at the first throw. The +consequence was an immense rush of patronage; indeed, the sport became +so exciting that two similar establishments could have been kept in +active operation. As it was, Nix cleared fifty-four dollars over and +above all expenses for the good of the fair, and the benefit of the poor +folks of Portland. + +One of Nix's most profitable customers was a good-natured flashy young +man of the wholesale dry-goods pattern, who appeared each day in some +new shade of mustard-colored clothing, from the delicate yellow of +freshly mixed pure Durham to the rich tones of stale German. He told us +in confidence that he had intended to go to Saratoga, but the _old +gentleman_ and _old lady_ (his father and mother) had insisted on his +coming down with them to "this d----d hole;" then, suddenly recollecting +that we had all probably come from chance, he added: + +"Oh, this is a very nice place; first-rate; I don't say anything about +that, only I had a party of friends going up to Saratoga, and they'll +expect me; they know there's always fun going on where I am. It don't +make any difference to me whether I spend fifty dollars or five hundred. +I'm bound to have a good time. I appreciate anything; tha's--anything, +you know--tha's got any wit into it, you know. Well, you know, there are +some people who ain't got any idea; don't seem to appreciate, you know. +Now, when I saw you throwin' sticks, well, I piled right in; I didn't +care about it, of course, only I saw what you were doing it for, and I +didn't care. Some people would think it awful vulgar, you know, but I +don't care; that's the sort of man I am. Perhaps I shouldn't have liked +some of my aristocratic lady friends to have seen me; but then down +here, you know. Oh, I'd just as lief have given the money to the fair; +I'd spent thirty dollars before in slippers and things, and then gave +'em back. I didn't want 'em, you know, only I like to see things lively; +there's bound to be fun when I'm round." + +However, we will not follow our good-natured friend through his long +monologue of refined egotism; we merely introduced him because he showed +us a variety of tricks, two of which we think worth recording in our +book on amusements. On the morning after the fair, Nix and ourself, in +company with the mustard-colored aristocrat, took a bath in the ocean. +The aristocrat appeared in the water attired in a sumptuous bathing +dress, smoking a cigar which he told us cost $800 per thousand; which, +he frankly confessed, he thought too high a price for a man to pay for +cigars in these times. He further stated that he relished smoking in the +water very much. To our inquiry whether there was no danger of the waves +putting it out, he replied by informing us that he could dive under +water with a lighted cigar in his mouth without extinguishing it. + +"D'you see that boat there?" he said, pointing to a small scow about a +hundred and fifty yards distant. "Well, I will dive under that; you +watch me, and you will see me come up." We thought there must be some +hoax in the matter, and so kept a strict eye upon his movements. He swam +out to the craft, gave a plunge and a kick, after the manner of ducks in +a pond, disappeared, and came up on the other side, calmly puffing his +weed. Never having seen or heard of the feat before, Nix and ourself +were what the ancient Greeks used to call _flabbergasterd_. When he had +enjoyed his triumph and our bewilderment for a few minutes, he showed us +how it was done; simply by putting the lighted end of the cigar in his +mouth just before going under water, that was all. He added: "I will +show you something better if you will come up to the shooting-gallery +after we get through bathing. Did you ever see a man ring the bell with +his back to the target?" + +Arrived at the shooting-gallery, our young friend procured a mirror +which he hung on the wall opposite the target, then placing himself in +front of the former, with his back to the latter, he held the pistol +over his shoulder and took aim, looking at the image of the pistol in +the glass as if it were the pistol itself; that is, in such a manner +that the reflection of the object was covered by the reflection of the +pistol; he then fired, and came within an inch of the bull's-eye. + +When we got back to the hotel he amused us by setting fire to a glass of +alcohol with a burning glass. He placed a silver dollar (a red cent +would have answered as well) in the spirit, and then directed the rays +of the sun through the burning-glass on the metal; in an instant the +liquid was all ablaze. + +In the afternoon this same youth called us all to enjoy a trick he had +played upon the _old gentleman_. + +The _old gentleman_, it appeared, was engaged in reading Macaulay's +History of England, and like a methodical old gentleman, whenever he +laid down the book, marked the place where he left off. On the day in +question his son had abstracted his book from its accustomed place, and +painted on the page following the one he was, reading a very excellent +imitation of a fly. At his usual hour the old gentleman was seen to put +on his spectacles, and take up the book; all those in the secret were of +course on hand; presently he came to the passage on which appeared the +counterfeit fly; the old gentleman shook the book, but the fly stirred +not; then he blew at it; then he laid down the volume, and deliberately +taking out his handkerchief, made a pass at the offending insect with +that weapon, replaced his handkerchief, settled his glasses, took up +the book again, but to his utter surprise the fly still remained. A +light seemed now to dawn on him--the fly had got crushed between the +leaves--so he essayed to remove it with his finger-nail; here his +hopeful offspring could stand it no longer, and burst into a roar of +laughter, in which several others joined. When the joke was explained to +the worthy victim, he said: "Now, that's very good, isn't it; very good. +I made sure it was a real fly, as true as you live. Look here, wife; +look at this, some of Master Tom's doing; good, ain't it; as true as you +live, that's a fact. Ah! Ha!"[7] + + [7] We have since seen a somewhat similar trick played by painting + a fly on the face of a watch or inside the glass. + +Later in the evening Young Hopeful horrified a circle of ladies by +discovering at their feet a huge spider; in the midst of their shrieks +and exclamations a courageous gentleman with large whiskers stepped +forward to crush the intruder, raised his foot, and brought it down +firmly, but staggered back astounded--the creature had exploded with a +loud report, conveying an idea of vindictiveness and power truly +appalling. The young gentleman took us aside and explained the mystery, +at the same time producing from his pocket a small box containing some +half-dozen similar spiders. + +"I have them made on purpose for me," he said. "A German porter in our +store first put me up to it, and I told him to set to work and make me +as many as he liked, and charge me any price he chose. I tell ye, that +Dutchman thinks I'm a great boy. I pay him about five dollars a week for +spiders; well, you know, that's a good deal for a man like him; only +gets twelve dollars a week in the store." + +We examined the specimen carefully, and found it was constructed very +much on the plan of the torpedoes used by children on the Fourth of +July; only the paper was brown and a little thicker, and there were legs +of fine wire attached, which gave it a very lifelike and spidery +appearance. The Dutchman had evidently gone into the matter _con amore_, +for he had taken the pains to wash some of his specimens with gum, and +then sprinkle them with wool-dust to produce the appearance of what are +called hairy spiders. About one-third of a grain of fulminating silver +produces the explosion in each. They are very easily made. + +As we steamed back to the great city of New York next day, Nix said he +thought we had made a very good investment of three red-hot days of +mid-summer time. We thought so, too. + + + + +CHAPTER XXIV. + + +We are not a great advocate for arithmetical puzzles as a pastime for +festive occasions, that is to say not as a general rule; but there are +certain tricks of figures which are quite amusing, and some few problems +which from their very simplicity become almost ludicrous. We have seen +many a tolerably wise head puzzled over the question: + +"If a barrel of flour cost thirty-nine dollars thirteen and three +quarter cents, what will a penny loaf come to?" + +And consume considerable time and paper without discovering the obvious +fact, that a penny loaf will of course come to a penny and nothing else. + +We remember, too, an amiable Divine, who tortured his dear old head for +three-quarters of an hour to solve the question: + +"If a shovel, poker, and tongs, cost thirteen dollars forty-three and a +quarter cents, what will a ton of coals come to?" + +And when informed that they would come to ashes, he seemed to feel quite +hurt; and indeed, to labor for some time under a sense of having been +trifled with. When told that it was merely a joke, a little fun, he +replied that he was a great admirer of Don Quixote, could appreciate Gil +Bias, and relished exceedingly the wit of Swift and Sterne; but failed +to perceive the particular humor of our joke about the ton of coals. + +With all due respect for the estimable prelate, we must venture to +differ from him, fortified as we are in our opinion by a young lady, +who, if not a divine herself, has a pair of eyes that are, in whose +company we have solved some of the most intricate arithmetical +jocularities and trivialities, till we were up to the eyes in ink and +love. One we well remember, partly because it gave us so much trouble, +and partly because there was a wild picturesqueness about the subject +which appeals to our imagination. It ran thus: + +A man has a wolf, a goat, and a cabbage, to carry over a river, but he +can only convey them one at a time, his boat being very small. How is he +to manage this, so that the wolf may not be left alone with the goat, +nor the goat with the cabbage? It is obvious if the wolf be left with +the goat, he will eat it up; whilst if the goat be left with the +cabbage, short work will be made of that classic vegetable. + +Oh, how often we crossed and recrossed that river; how often we took the +goat out, and put the wolf in; and how frequently we took out the wolf, +and put in the goat. How we trembled for the poor man, fearing there +could be no alternative for him but to sacrifice either the goat or the +cabbage, or else kill the wolf. How varied and wild were our expedients, +such as throwing the wolf across, sending the cabbage round by express, +digging a tunnel under the bed of the river, forcing the proprietor to +eat the cabbage himself, towing the goat behind the boat, and other +devices too numerous to mention, all of which we were assured, by those +holding the key to the mystery, were altogether inadmissible; and then +when, with humbled pride, we reluctantly _gave it up_, how mad we were +at the simplicity of the solution, which was this: + +He first takes over the goat, and then returns for the wolf; he then +takes back the goat, which he leaves, and takes over the cabbage, he +then returns and takes over the goat All as simple as A, B, C, when _you +know how to do it_; that knowing how to do it is the great difficulty in +ninety-nine out of every hundred things in this world. + +Puzzles which involve long and laborious calculation are not in our +line; they are too suggestive of the school and the country room. +Something like the following is good for skirmishing: + + +PROBLEM. + +Put down four nines, so that they will make one hundred. + +After a short struggle you surrender at discretion, and in an instant +get the + +SOLUTION. + + 99-9/9 + +There is no delay, no tedious figuring up; you get your answer and are +ready for something fresh. Some such abstruse calculation as the +following, for instance: + + +PROBLEM. + +If a herring and a half cost three cents, how many will you get for a +dollar? + +To ladies, who as a general rule have not the organ of calculation very +largely developed, this will usually prove a poser. As the problem is to +be solved by patience and study, we will leave them to do it, _or give +it up_, and proceed to the next + + +PROBLEM. + +A gentleman sent his servant with a present of nine ducks in a box, upon +which was the following direction:-- + + "To Alderman Gobble with IX. ducks." + +The servant, who had more ingenuity than honesty, purloined three of the +ducks, and contrived it so that the number contained in the box +corresponded with that upon the direction. As he neither erased any word +or letter, nor substituted a new direction, how did he so alter it as to +correspond with the contents of the box? + +The dishonest but ingenious servant simply placed the letter S before +the two Roman numerals, IX. The direction then read thus: + + "To Alderman Gobble, with SIX ducks." + +It will be seen that this problem is very easy of solution to every one, +save Artemus Ward, who would spell it _Sicks dux in a bocks_. + +Here is one, however, which would suit the taste, if not the ability, of +the great showman to a nicety: + + +PROBLEM. + +To distribute among three persons twenty-one casks of wine, seven of +them full, seven of them empty, and seven of them half full; so that +each of them shall have the same quantity of wine, and the same number +of casks. + +This problem admits of two solutions, which may be clearly comprehended +by means of the two following tables: + + FIRST SOLUTION. + + _Persons._ _Full casks._ _Empty._ _Half full._ + 1 2 2 3 + 2 2 2 3 + 3 3 3 1 + + SECOND SOLUTION. + + _Persons._ _Full casks._ _Empty._ _Half full._ + 1 3 3 1 + 2 3 3 1 + 3 1 1 5 + +One more problem, and we shall have had enough mathematics for one +chapter. + +[Illustration] + +A figure similar to the preceding can be formed without removing the +pencil from the paper, without crossing any line or retracing any part. +Now set to work and do it. + +If you do not succeed, you may refer to the annexed diagram and +solution. + +[Illustration] + +Draw a line from 1 to 2, 2 to 3, 3 to 4, 4 to 5, 5 to 6, 6 to 1, 1 to 7, +7 to 8, 8 to 9, 9 to 3, 3 to 10, and 10 to 1. + + + + +CHAPTER XXV. + + +We have observed that Tableaux and Charades run in some families, and +that these families are always ready to spend any amount of time and +money to carry out their favorite ideas; we cannot help feeling +considerable admiration for any one having some honest enthusiasm for +any amusement in this toiling age of ours. But our mission is not to +deal much with the costly or complicated. Those who wish to produce +tableaux from Waverley or the Bride of Abydos, who desire to attire +themselves as Mary Queen of Scots, Di Vernon, or Dolly Varden, we leave +to their own devices, giving only our best wishes. There are, however, +charades to be got up on the spur of the moment, which are not less +entertaining than the more elaborate performances to which we allude. We +will mention one or two which have come under our observation during a +chequered existence; they may serve to give the key-note, if nothing +more. + +On the occasion of a certain impromptu party, the lady of the house +begged some of her guests to get up _something_ which would entertain +the rest, some charades, or what not. Two gentlemen consulted for a +moment, and then took up their positions in the back of the parlor, +which represented the stage. One sat down to read, whilst the other +crept up slyly behind him, and much to his dismay turned off the gas. +They then both rose and declared the charade completed, leaving it to +the audience to divine the answer. Whether any one guessed it or not we +do not know--but the answer was Gastric--Gas-trick. + +Another gentleman then stepped into the stage, with a large hat at the +back of his head, and began calling--"Mooley, mooley, mooley; com, com, +mooley. Where kin that keow a poked herself now? she's allers a +concealing of herself somewheres or another--mooley," etc., + +His riddle was now concluded, and he desired the audience to give him +the answer. + +The answer was _Cow-hiding_. + +A famous physician and wit was the next to come forward, accompanied by +a friend. They took positions in opposite corners of the room, advanced +towards each other, and as they passed, the friend said to the doctor, +"How do, Doctor?" To the surprise of all, they declared the charade +completed. No one could guess it, of course; the answer was +_metaphysician_, met-a-physician. + +Again they took their positions precisely as before, announcing that +they were about to give another charade. Again they walked across the +room, and as they passed, one said to the other, "How do, again?" This +was the conclusion of the second charade; quite as puzzling as the +first, only more so. The answer was _metaphor_--met-afore. This +absurdity was received with roars of laughter and thunders of applause. + +Charades of this kind, we are inclined to think, give more real pleasure +after all, than the studied, costly elaborations. They are perhaps not +so pretty; but, ye gods! where there are pretty women, what else could +mortal man desire in the way of beauty! + + + + +CHAPTER XXVI. + + +A certain young lady with whom we are acquainted has discovered a new +art, which seems to absorb a great portion of her being. It is a method +by which almost anything may be transmuted into coral. The consequence +of this discovery is that the English-basement house in which the maid +in question dwells, is converted into a perfect mermaid's grotto. We +told her so the other day, since which she has called us her Triton; and +further intimated that in order to preserve the fitness of things, we +might invite her to an oyster supper at Delmonico's. This hint we took +with the avidity of a pickerel; but alas for the fickleness of woman, +and our visions of marine happiness, the damsel changed her position and +absolutely declined accepting our hospitality, even to the extent of a +shrimp. + +It is marvellous what very poor jokes afford rich amusement, when they +are passed amongst intimate friends. When we called the lady in +question, South Coral-ina, every one present seemed quite amused; indeed +only one person, an obnoxious individual with large whiskers, seemed to +resent it at all:--but now that the title by frequent repetition has +assumed the character of a nickname, it is always received as an +exquisite piece of humor. Numerous ramifications of this subject afford +us endless themes for badinage. + +We profess to ridicule the idea that involuntary servitude is abolished, +when South Coral-ina holds ourselves and so many others in slavery. She +retorts by calling us Neptune, and asking after the telegraph cable. +When this badinage had been going on for some time, our friend Nix +played quite a pretty hoax on the ladies. He arrived one evening with a +somewhat dirty-looking basket on his arm filled with oysters. This was +rather an inelegant thing to bring into the parlor, and naturally +excited some surprise; but when he began to take out the grimy-looking +bivalves, and one by one, hand them round to the ladies, there was a +commotion bordering on indignation; the first lady declined to receive +so plebeian a gift, whereupon Nix took a penknife from his pocket and +opened it; revealing the inside lined with rich velvet, and bearing +some trinket made of gold and pearls. This was in payment of a bet of an +oyster supper which he had playfully made with and purposely lost to one +of the ladies. + +But to revert to our Coral. We often aided the fair mermaid in her +manufactures, making sprays of coral nearly as large as in currant +bushes, coral walking-canes, coral ear-rings, pen racks, paper weights, +and other useful articles. We converted into coral--walnuts, small +mud-turtles, birds' claws, sea-shells, and indeed almost everything on +which we could lay our hands. Finally we took paterfamilias' felt hat +one night and gave it a couple of coats of scarlet varnish, much to the +astonishment of that good gentleman when he wished to put it on next +morning. + +The mode of making these coral ornaments is, of course, very simple; +otherwise it would not find a place in this book: + + +RECEIPT. + +To two drachms of fine vermilion, add one ounce of clear resin, and melt +them together; paint the object with this mixture while hot, and then +hold it over a gentle fire till it is perfectly covered and smooth. + +To make sprays of coral you should procure some twigs of thorn; peel and +dry, before painting with the varnish. + +The Nix gift of pearls has set all the ladies to work on a new +idea--painting pictures in oil-colors on the inside of oyster shells; +these are mostly marine subjects where the natural hues of the shell +supply the requisite tints for the clouds and water. One of these little +works represented a fish, where the sheen of the mother-of-pearl gave a +marvellously natural effect to the scales and gills. + +They have also taken to making pictures on egg-shells in water-colors, +which are very pretty. One egg they tattooed all over with pen-and-ink +arabesque, and emblazoned with crimson and gold. It looks very handsome, +though possibly of not quite so much practical use as a locomotive or a +reaping-machine. Still, let us always remember that quotation from +Goethe: + +"_Encourage the beautiful, the useful will take care of itself!_" + +To which we might add a paraphrase of our own: + +"Encourage the amusing, the dreary will take care of itself." + +For our own part we have serious ideas of organizing a SOCIETY FOR THE +ENCOURAGEMENT OF AMUSEMENT. We firmly believe that judicious and +rational amusement tends more to make men _healthy_, _wealthy_, _and +wise_, than ever did early rising, for which, nevertheless, we have +profoundest respect. + + + + +CHAPTER XXVII. + + +To those who are fond of charades, and indeed to all those good people +who love to be merry, we commend what the French call _charades en +action_, or pantomime charades. These charades, as the name indicates, +are acted, not spoken. The great rule to be observed is silence, nothing +more than an exclamation being allowed. In extreme cases, where it is +utterly impossible to convey the idea by actions, a placard may be +introduced bearing some helpful inscription, as in the case of Mr. Cuffy +(in the charade on carpet which we shall presently give), who draws from +his bosom a monster letter from Mr. Swab, which he displays to the +audience. In addition to the information it conveys, the production of +this preposterously large note is calculated to create a laugh. + +The chief merit in a charade actor is inventive ingenuity in so, +adapting the domestic adjuncts of an ordinary household as to supply +the place of necessary theatrical properties and wardrobe. We have seen +a very respectable Richard Coeur de Lion made up of the tinware of an +ordinary cooking-range; and Queen Elizabeth, frill, hair and all, out of +a few copies of the _Daily Tribune_. We have known a steam fire-engine +to be manufactured out of a baby's crib and a tea-kettle; and Bunker +Hill monument from two chairs, a fishing-rod, and a sheet. Those who +have followed us so far through these pages, have gone through a good +course of study, and will start with great advantages in the pursuit of +charade-acting. + +For the convenience of our clients we add a list of words which may be +acted as charades. + + +LIST OF CHARADE WORDS. + + Accent Axe--cent. + Accident Axe--sigh--dent. + Altar Awl--tar. + Artful Art--full. + Apex Ape--X. + Bagpipe Bag--pipe. + Bandage Band--age. + Bedlam Bed--lamb. + Bustard Bust--tarred. + Behead Bee--head. + Blacksmith Black--smith. + Bulrush Bull--rush. + Buttress Butt--tress. + Catsup Cat--sup. + Carboy Car--boy. + Corselet Course--let. + Cribbage Crib--age. + Crossbow Cross--beau. + Cutlass Cut--lass. + Cartel Car--Tell (William). + Cartoon Cart--tune! + Cashier Cash--ear. + Dolphin Doll--fin. + Donkey Don--key. + Ductile Duck--tile. + Definite Deaf--inn--night + Footpad Foot--pad. + Flatten Flat--ten. + Gastric Gas--trick. + Gallic Gall--lick. + Hamlet Ham--let. + Handcuff Hand--cuff. + Hartshorn Hearts--horn. + Hemlock Hem--lock. + Henpeck Hen--peck. + Humbug Hum--bug. + Humdrum Hum--drum. + Idol Eye--doll. + Ill-bred Ill--bread. + Instep Inn--step. + Implore Imp--lore. + Invest Inn--vest. + Incite Inn--sight. + Jackal Jack--awl. + Jury Jew--rye. + Sappet Sap--pet. + Linch-pin Linch--pin. + Loadstone Load--stone. + Mastiff Ma--stiff. + Messmate Mess--mate. + Mistake Miss--take. + Muffin Muff--fin. + Nightmare Night--mare. + Nightshade Night--shade. + Outfit Out--fit. + Pardon Pa--don. + Payday Pay--dey. + Phantom Fan--tom. + Picnic Pick--nick. + Pilot Pie--lot. + Pollute Poll--lute. + Puppet Pup--pet. + Prior Pry--oar. + Ringlet Wring--let. + Sauce-box Sauce--box. + Seesaw Sea--sore. + Shamrock Sham--rock. + Spinster Spin--stir. + Surtout Sir--tout, or Sir--two. + Toilet Toy--let. + Waistcoat Waste--coat. + Welcome Well--come. + Wilful Will--full. + Yellow Yell--low. + + + + +CARPET. + +A CHARADE IN THREE ACTS. + + +ACT I. + +CAR ----. + + _Dramatis Personæ_, + CAR-DRIVER. + CONDUCTOR. + PASSENGERS. + + SCENE--_Sixth Avenue, New York._ + +Scene opens and discovers street-car driving furiously along, drawn by +two chestnut acquaintances. Conductor and driver represented by two +small boys. Car composed of lounge, clothes-horse, and two chairs, +judiciously arranged and draped; wheels of band box-lids or circular +tea-trays. Noise of car simulated by confederates outside shaking +sleigh-bells or hand-bells, and drumming on door with fingers and hand; +also rattling on floor with feet. + +Enter some passengers, running and hailing car. Bell rings, by knocking +goblet with spoon. Car stops. + +[Illustration] + +[Illustration] + +Passengers rush towards car. Gentleman is in the act of stepping on car +when bell rings, and car suddenly starts off, throwing gentleman +violently to the ground. Great screaming and wailing; friends gather +round and try to raise him; find he is insensible; all immediately begin +shaking their fists at conductor; then simultaneously they bethink +themselves of the propriety of taking the number of the car. All draw +out their memorandum-books and commence writing. Conductor and driver +make gestures of defiance. + +[Illustration] + +Grand tableau. + + +ACT II. + +---- PET. + + _Dramatis Personæ_, + HUSBAND AND WIFE. + +Enter lady poutingly, followed by her husband, who tries to coax her +into a good humor, but without avail. She persists in being in a _pet_. +Husband + +[Illustration] + + by his gestures promises to buy her shawls, + +[Illustration] + + dresses, + +[Illustration] + + a piano, + +and even + +[Illustration] + + a riding-horse.[8] + +[Illustration] + +Finding all these promises are of no use, he begins to get excited; +declares she shall have nothing; lady remains sulky; gentleman seizes +his hat, rams it on his head, and exits. Lady walks off in the opposite +direction, clenching her fists. + +[Illustration] + + [8] To convey this idea, the gentleman must neigh while he prances. + + +ACT III. + +CARPET. + + _Dramatis Personæ_, + IRISHMAN. + COLORED MAN. + SERVANT GIRL. + + SCENE--_Street-door of fashionable house--door-plate of white paper + on door bearing the name of Swab._ + +Enter colored man,[9] with his face well spotted with whitewash, who +rings at door of fashionable house. + + [9] The usual way of making a colored man is by blacking the face + with burnt cork; but as gentlemen at evening parties sometimes + object to undergoing this ordeal, a good nigger may be + manufactured by stretching a piece of dark silk across the + face and cutting out holes for the eyes and mouth. Hair can + be made of cotton wadding. + +[Illustration] + +Irish servant appears with her sleeves rolled up and her dress pinned in +the form of a dress-coat behind. She turns up her nose at darkey, who +humbly intimates that he has called for the _carpet_. Girl slams the +door in his face. Colored man considers this outrageous conduct, as he +has been specially requested to call for orders, and produces the +following note from Mr. Swab: + + "MR. CUFFY: + "Please call at No. 13 Fifth Avenue, for carpet. + "JOHN SWAB." + +[Illustration] + +He points to note and name on door to show he has come to the right +house. + +[Illustration] + +Enter Irishman, who approaches Mr. Swab's door and rings bell; reappear +girl, who smiles as she produces a roll of carpet. Cuffy steps forward +and expostulates, showing Mr. Swab's letter. Irishman pitches into +Cuffy, and a furious fight ensues, in which the girl joins with a broom. + +[Illustration] + + +THE END OF CARPET. + + + + +CATASTROPHE. + +A CHARADE IN FOUR ACTS. + + +ACT I. + +CAT. + + _Dramatis Personæ_, + CAT. + DOG. + OLD GENTLEMAN. + + SCENE--_Backyard of city house, with small table placed on top of + other table, to represent window._ + +Enter cat (head done up in brown paper, with cat's face painted on it, +brown paper ears, tail made out of lady's boa, black silk handkerchief, +or any suitable thing). + +[Illustration] + +Cat commences to _meow_ and caterwaul. Old gentleman appears at window +with nightcap on and sheet wrapped round him, and shakes his fist at +cat. Cat continues to make a noise. + +[Illustration] + +Old gentleman gets very angry, shakes both his fists, withdraws into +room, reappears with hair-brush, which he throws at cat. Cat continues +to make a noise. Old gentleman commences a fusilade of boots, books, +combs, and toilet articles generally. Cat makes more noise than ever, +putting up her back and spitting at the objects as they fell around her. +The old gentleman is almost in despair, when suddenly a bright idea +strikes him, which he expresses by pantomime, placing his finger to the +side of his nose and winking. He disappears from the window. Presently +is heard the rattling of a chain and barking of a dog. + +[Illustration] + +Enter dog, barking furiously, and pursues cat out of yard. Old gentleman +rubs his hands with glee, and pats dog on head. Dog frisks about. + + +ACT II + +ASS. + + _Dramatis Personæ_, + ASS. + RAG AND SOAP-FAT MAN. + SERVANT GIRL. + + SCENE--_Public Street._ + +Enter rag and soap-fat man dragging donkey after him. Donkey dragging +cart made of chair with bandbox-lid wheels, cart filled with odds and +ends of tinware, old rags, etc. Donkey very obstinate; driver beats him +with roll of stiff paper. Servant hails soap-fat man and offers for sale +several large jarsful of drippings, sheets, pillow-cases, etc., +belonging to her mistress. They chaffer for some time over the bargain, +but finally agree upon a price. The money (all copper pennies) is about +to change hands when the donkey, close by, gives an unearthly bray, +which, to their guilty consciences, sounds like the voice of some +avenging spirit; both scream, drop the money on the floor, and rush off; +donkey turns round and runs off too. + +[Illustration] + +[Illustration] + + +ACT III. + +TROPHY. + + _Dramatis Personæ_, + SOLDIERS. + + SCENE--_A camp, tents made of sheets hung over chairs, etc._ + +Enter soldiers, leading prisoners, and bearing ragged and shot-torn flag +on broomstick, band playing trumpets (sheets of music rolled up), and +beating drums (tin pails); they halt and form in line; the officer, by +suitable gestures, calls attention to the trophy. + +[Illustration] + +Enter general and staff. General makes a speech, pointing to the trophy, +and then decorates their captain by pinning a medal (a circular +soda-cracker fastened to a bit of red ribbon will do) on his breast. All +strike an attitude, and the scene closes. + + +ACT IV. + +CATASTROPHE. + + _Dramatis Personæ_, + GENTLEMEN. + LADIES. + HORSES AND POLICEMEN. + + SCENE--_Central Park._ + +A superb carriage, made out of the lounge with bandbox-lid wheels, and +drawn by a span of spirited bay gentleman, is discovered; an elegant +youth is seated on the box driving, whilst the carriage is filled with a +gay and festive party of youthful ladies and gentlemen. + +[Illustration] + +Presently the horses become restive, plunge wildly about, and, in spite +of all the efforts of the driver, dash the vehicle against a post; the +inmates scream and tumble out. Enter two policemen, who seize the +horses, put the driver on his legs, and carry the rest of the party to +the hospital on stretchers made of the clothes-horse. + +[Illustration] + +[Illustration] + + + + +CHAPTER XXVIII. + + +Those tranquil moods to which allusion has already been made on several +occasions, have now become a decided feature in our character. There is +certainly something very charming in the society of well-bred women. +However, we hope before long we need not be forced from home to find +that enjoyment. We have discovered the object of Nix's recent gifts of +Brahminical works. It was a ponderous roundabout species of humor +peculiar to Nix, the works in question being supposed to furnish +appropriate study for a person in our presumed position as admirer of +Bud (or Boodh). + +Nix has for some time past made himself very wearisome with continual +allusions to Vishnu, Siva, Buddhism, and so forth. We gained one idea, +however, from his jest. We have written a Hindoo play, the plot of which +turns on the love of a devout Brahmin. The play is entirely finished +save the last act, which is complete up to the point where Neer Je Haun +declares his love for the Unblown Rose. + + +THE LAST ACT OF THE PLAY. + +We took our play to the Adams' to-night, and told Bud that it was nearly +completed, but we were in some embarrassment how to conclude it. We had +consequently come to consult her on the subject, begging at the same +time she would give it her most careful attention, as her decision was +of vital importance. We were alone. We had read the whole play through +with the utmost care, till we came to the final sentence in our +manuscript, where the hero declares his passion for the Unblown Rose. It +runs thus: + +_Neer Je Haun._ "Light of my soul, whose voice is sweeter than the +murmur of the Ganges, whose name is incense to my nostrils, whose eyes +are brighter than the fire-flies by night--my highest ambition is to be +thy slave, my greatest hope to guard thee from harm, to bask in the +radiance of thine eyes. For thee I would sacrifice all other earthly +happiness. When I pray thee to share my humble fortunes, turn not away +thy proud head; parch not my soul with scorn, though well I should +deserve such a fate for my temerity." + +Now turning to Bud, we asked her to decide what answer the lover should +receive; should he be accepted or rejected? + +"Oh, accepted, of course!" eagerly exclaimed Bud, her bright eyes +kindling with sympathy for the ardent Hindoo. + +"It is well!" we replied, and wrote down the maiden's answer. + +"I will trust my life in thy hands from this day till death." + +"Is that right?" we asked. + +She said it was, though perhaps a little cold. + +We then drew from our breast pocket one sheet of the manuscript she had +not yet seen. It was the title of the play: + + +THE WORSHIP OF BUD. + +Bud colored--looked at us in an embarrassed way, and then with much +hesitation was about to speak, when we stretched out our hand and said: + +"You will not make us alter what we have written?" + +She gave no answer, but from the pressure of her hand we knew we need +doubt no more. + +Now this heathen idolator would not change places with the greatest +Christian monarch in Europe. + +[Illustration] + + +THE END. + + + + + [Illustration: A Catalogue of + BOOKS + ISSUED BY + Carleton, Publisher, + NEW YORK. + 1866.] + + + [Illustration] + + "_There is a kind of physiognomy in the_ titles _of books no less + than in the faces of men, by which a skilful observer will know as + well what to expect from the one as the other._"--BUTLER. + + + + +NEW BOOKS + +And New Editions Recently Issued by + + CARLETON, PUBLISHER, + NEW YORK, + 418 _BROADWAY, CORNER OF LISPENARD STREET_ + + N.B.--THE PUBLISHER, upon receipt of the price in advance, will + send any of the following Books by mail, POSTAGE FREE, to any part + of the United States. This convenient and very safe mode may be + adopted when the neighboring Booksellers are not supplied with the + desired work. State name and address in full. + + +Victor Hugo. + + LES MISÉRABLES.--_The best edition_, two elegant 8vo. vols., + beautifully bound in cloth, $5.50; half calf, $10.00 + LES MISÉRABLES.--_The popular edition_, one large octavo + volume, paper covers, $2.00; cloth bound, $2.50 + LES MISÉRABLES.--In the Spanish language. Fine 8vo. edition, + two vols., paper covers, $4.00; cloth bound, $5.00 + JARGAL.--A new novel. Illustrated. 12mo. cloth, $1.75 + THE LIFE OF VICTOR HUGO.--By himself. 8vo. cloth, $1.75 + +Miss Muloch. + + JOHN HALIFAX.--A novel. With illustration. 12mo. cloth, $1.75 + A LIFE FOR A LIFE.-- do. do. $1.75 + +Charlotte Bronte (Currer Bell). + + JANE EYRE.--A novel. With illustration. 12mo. cloth, $1.75 + THE PROFESSOR.--do. do. do. $1.75 + SHIRLEY.-- do. do. do. $1.75 + VILLETTE.-- do. do. do. $1.75 + +Hand-Books of Society. + + THE HABITS OF GOOD SOCIETY; with thoughts, hints, and anecdotes, + concerning nice points of taste, good manners, and the art of + making oneself agreeable. The most entertaining work of the + kind ever published. 12mo. cloth, $1.75 + THE ART OF CONVERSATION.--With directions for self-culture. A + sensible and instructive work, that ought to be in the hands + of every one who wishes to be either an agreeable talker or + listener. 12mo. cloth, $1.50 + THE ART OF AMUSING.--A collection of graceful arts, games, + tricks, puzzles, and charades, intended to amuse everybody, + and enable all to amuse everybody else. With suggestions for + private theatricals, tableaux, parlor and family amusements, + etc. With nearly 150 illustrative pictures. 12mo. cloth, $2.00 + +Mrs. Mary J. 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PHILIP'S.-- do. do. $1.75 + LOUIE'S LAST TERM AT ST. MARY'S. do. $1.75 + ROUNDHEARTS AND OTHER STORIES.--_Just published_ do. $1.75 + +Josh Billings. + + HIS BOOK.--All the rich comic sayings of this celebrated + humorist. With comic illustrations. 12mo. cloth, $1.50 + +Mrs. Ritchie (Anna Cora Mowatt). + + FAIRY FINGERS.--A capital new novel. 12mo. cloth, $1.75 + THE MUTE SINGER.-- do. do. $1.75 + A NEW BOOK.--_In press._ do. $1.75 + +New English Novels. + + BEYMINSTRE.--A very interesting novel. 12mo. cloth, $1.75 + RECOMMENDED TO MERCY.-- do. do. $1.75 + TAKEN UPON TRUST.-- do. do. $1.75 + +Geo. W. Carleton. + + OUR ARTIST IN CUBA.--A humorous volume of travels; with + fifty comic illustrations by the author. 12mo. cloth, $1.50 + OUR ARTIST IN PERU.--_In press._ $1.50 + +A. S. Roe's Works. + + A LONG LOOK AHEAD.-- A novel 12mo. cloth, $1.50 + TO LOVE AND TO BE LOVED.-- do. do. $1.50 + TIME AND TIDE.-- do. do. $1.50 + I'VE BEEN THINKING.-- do. do. $1.50 + THE STAR AND THE CLOUD.-- do. do. $1.50 + TRUE TO THE LAST.-- do. do. $1.50 + HOW COULD HE HELP IT?-- do. do. $1.50 + LIKE AND UNLIKE.-- do. do. $1.50 + LOOKING AROUND.-- do. do. $1.50 + WOMAN, OUR ANGEL.--_Just published._ do. $1.50 + +Richard B. Kimball. + + WAS HE SUCCESSFUL.-- A novel. 12mo. cloth, $1.75 + UNDERCURRENTS.-- do. do. $1.75 + SAINT LEGER.-- do. do. $1.75 + ROMANCE OF STUDENT LIFE.-- do. do. $1.75 + IN THE TROPICS.-- do. do. $1.75 + THE PRINCE OF KASHNA.-- do. do. $1.75 + EMILIE.--A sequel to "St. Leger." _In press._ do. $1.75 + +Orpheus C. Kerr. + + THE ORPHEUS C. KERR PAPERS.--Comic letters and humorous + military criticisms. Three series 12mo. cloth, $1.50 + +Edmund Kirke. + + AMONG THE PINES.--A Southern sketch. 12mo. cloth, $1.50 + MY SOUTHERN FRIENDS.-- do. do. $1.50 + DOWN IN TENNESSEE.-- do. do. $1.50 + ADRIFT IN DIXIE.-- do. do. $1.50 + AMONG THE GUERILLAS.-- do. do. $1.50 + A NEW BOOK.--_In press._ do. do. $1.50 + +T. S. Arthur's New Works. + + LIGHT ON SHADOWED PATHS.--A novel. 12mo. cloth, $1.50 + OUT IN THE WORLD.-- do. do. $1.50 + NOTHING BUT MONEY.-- do. do. $1.50 + WHAT CAME AFTERWARDS.-- do. do. $1.50 + OUR NEIGHBORS.--_Just published._ do. $1.50 + +Robinson Crusoe. + + A handsome illustrated edition, complete. 12mo. cloth, $1.50 + +Joseph Rodman Drake. + + THE CULPRIT FAY.--A faery poem. 12mo. cloth, $1.25 + AN ILLUSTRATED EDITION.--With 100 exquisite illustrations + on wood. Quarto, beautifully printed and bound, $5.00 + +Epidemic Cholera. + + A handy-book for successful treatment 12mo. cloth, $1.00 + +Cuthbert Bede. + + VERDANT GREEN.--A rollicking, humorous novel of English student + life; with 200 comic illustrations. 12mo. cloth, $1.50 + +Private Miles O'Reilly. + + BAKED MEATS OF THE FUNERAL.--A Comic book. 12mo. cloth, $1.75 + LIFE AND ADVENTURES--with comic illustrations. do. $1.50 + +M. Michelet's Remarkable Works. + + LOVE (L'AMOUR).--From the French. 12mo. cloth, $1.50 + WOMAN (LA FEMME).-- do. do. $1.50 + +J. Sheridan Le Fanu. + + WYLDER'S HAND.--A powerful new novel. 12mo. cloth, $1.75 + THE HOUSE BY THE CHURCHYARD.-- do. do. $1.75 + +Rev. John Cumming, D.D., of London. + + THE GREAT TRIBULATION.--Two series. 12mo. cloth, $1.50 + THE GREAT PREPARATION.-- do. do. $1.50 + THE GREAT CONSUMMATION.-- do. do. $1.50 + +Ernest Renan. + + THE LIFE OF JESUS.--From the French work. 12mo. cloth, $1.75 + THE APOSTLES.-- do. do. $1.75 + RELIGIOUS HISTORY AND CRITICISM.-- 8vo. cloth, $2.50 + +Popular Italian Novels. + + DOCTOR ANTONIO.--A love story. By Ruffini. 12mo. cloth, $1.75 + VINCENZO.-- do. do. do. $1.75 + BEATRICE CENCI.--By Guerrazzi, with portrait. do. $1.75 + +Charles Reade. + + THE CLOISTER AND THE HEARTH.--A magnificent new novel--the + best this author ever wrote. 8vo. cloth, $2.00 + +The Opera. + + TALES FROM THE OPERAS.--A collection of clever stories, based + upon the plots of all the famous operas. 12mo. cloth, $1.50 + +Robert B. Roosevelt. + + THE GAME-FISH OF THE NORTH.--Illustrated 12mo. cloth, $2.00 + SUPERIOR FISHING.-- do. do. $2.00 + THE GAME-BIRDS OF THE NORTH.-- do. $2.00 + +John Phoenix. + + THE SQUIBOB PAPERS.--A new humorous volume, filled with + comic illustrations by the author. 12mo. cloth, $1.50 + +Matthew Hale Smith. + + MOUNT CALVARY.--Meditations in sacred places. 12mo. $2.00 + +P. T. Barnum. + + THE HUMBUGS OF THE WORLD.--Two series. 12mo. cloth, $1.75 + +Dr. J. J. Craven. + + THE PRISON-LIFE OF JEFFERSON DAVIS.--Incidents and conversations + connected with his captivity. 12mo. cloth, $2.00 + +Captain Raphael Semmes. + + THE CRUISE OF THE ALABAMA AND SUMTER.-- 12mo. cloth, $2.00 + +Pulpit Pungencies. + + A new serio-comic religious book.--Very rich. 12mo. cl., $1.75 + +The Abbe Guettee. + + THE PAPACY.--Its origin and schism with the Greeks. Introduction + by A. Cleveland Coxe, D. D. 12mo. cloth, $1.75 + +Mansefield T. Walworth. + + STORMCLIFF.--A new American novel. 12mo. cloth, $1.75 + +Amelia B. Edwards. + + BALLADS.--By author of "Barbara's History." 12mo. cloth, $1.50 + +Mrs. Jervey (Caroline H. Glover). + + HELEN COURTENAY'S PROMISE.--A new novel. 12mo. cloth, $1.75 + +Walter Barrett, Clerk. + + THE OLD MERCHANTS OF NEW YORK.--Personal incidents, sketches, + bits of biography, and events in the life of leading + merchants in New York. Four series. 12mo. cloth, $1.75 + +Madame Octavia Walton Le Vert. + + SOUVENIRS OF TRAVEL. New edition. Large 12mo. cloth, $2.00 + +Kate Marstone. + + A new and very interesting tale. 12mo. cloth, $1.50 + +By "Sentinel." + + WHO GOES THERE?--Or men and events. 12mo. cloth, $1.50 + +Junius Brutus Booth. + + MEMORIALS OF "THE ELDER BOOTH."--The actor. 12mo. cloth, $1.50 + +H. T. Sperry. + + COUNTRY LOVE _vs._ CITY FLIRTATION.--A capital new society tale, + with twenty superb illustrations by Hoppin. 12mo. cloth, $2.00 + +Epes Sargent. + + PECULIAR.--A remarkable new novel. 12mo. cloth, $1.75 + +Cuyler Pine. + + MARY BRANDEGEE.--A very powerful novel 12mo. cloth, $1.75 + A NEW NOVEL.--_In press._ do. $1.75 + +Elisha Kent Kane. + + LOVE-LIFE OF DR. KANE and Margaret Fox. 12mo. cloth, $1.75 + +Mother Goose for Grown Folks. + + HUMOROUS RHYMES for grown people. 12mo. cloth, $1.25 + +Miscellaneous Works. + + NOTES ON SHAKSPEARE.--By Jas. H. Hackett. 12mo. cloth, $1.50 + THE MONTANAS.--A novel by Mrs. S. J. Hancock. do. $1.75 + PASTIMES WITH LITTLE FRIENDS.--Martha H. Butt. do. $1.50 + A SPINSTER'S STORY.--A new novel. do. $1.75 + A LIFE OF JAMES STEPHENS.--Fenian Head-Centre. do. $1.00 + FREE GOVERNMENT IN ENGLAND AND AMERICA.-- do. $3.00 + AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF A NEW ENGLAND FARM-HOUSE.-- do. $1.75 + NEPENTHE.--A new novel. do. $1.50 + TOGETHER.-- do. do. $1.50 + LOVERS AND THINKERS.--do. do. $1.50 + POEMS.--By Gay H. Naramore. do. $1.50 + GOMERY OF MONTGOMERY.--By C. A. Washburn. do. $2.00 + VICTOIRE.--A new novel. do. $1.75 + POEMS.--By Mrs. Sarah T. Bolton. do. $1.50 + SUPPRESSED BOOK ABOUT SLAVERY.-- do. $2.00 + JOHN GUILDERSTRING'S SIN.--A novel. do. $1.50 + CENTEOLA.--By author "Green Mountain Boys." do. $1.50 + RED TAPE AND PIGEON-HOLE GENERALS.-- do. $1.50 + TREATISE ON DEAFNESS.--By Dr. E. B. Lighthill. do. $1.50 + AROUND THE PYRAMIDS.--By Gen. Aaron Ward. do. $1.50 + CHINA AND THE CHINESE.--By W. L. G. Smith. do. $1.50 + THE YACHTMAN'S PRIMER.--By T. R. Warren. do. 50 cts. + EDGAR POE AND HIS CRITICS.--By Mrs. Whitman. do. $1.00 + MARRIED OFF.--Illustrated Satirical Poem. do. 50 cts. + THE FLYING DUTCHMAN.--J. G. Saxe, illustrated. do. 75 cts. + ALEXANDER VON HUMBOLDT.--Life and Travels. do. $1.50 + LIFE OF HUGH MILLER.--The celebrated geologist. do. $1.50 + THE RUSSIAN BALL.--Illustrated satirical poem. do. 50 cts. + THE SNOBLACE BALL. do. do. do. do. 50 cts. + AN ANSWER TO HUGH MILLER.--By T. A. Davies. do. $1.50 + COSMOGONY.--By Thomas A. Davies. 8vo. cloth, $2.00 + TWENTY YEARS around the world. J. Guy Vassar. do. $3.75 + RURAL ARCHITECTURE.--By M. Field, illustrated. do. $2.00 + + +[Illustration] + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Art of Amusing, by Frank Bellew + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 40309 *** |