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diff --git a/40309.txt b/40309.txt deleted file mode 100644 index 3c870d1..0000000 --- a/40309.txt +++ /dev/null @@ -1,6791 +0,0 @@ -The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Art of Amusing, by Frank Bellew - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with -almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or -re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included -with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org - - -Title: The Art of Amusing - Being a Collection of Graceful Arts, Merry Games, Odd - Tricks, Curious Puzzles, and New Charades - -Author: Frank Bellew - -Illustrator: Frank Bellew - -Release Date: July 23, 2012 [EBook #40309] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: ASCII - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE ART OF AMUSING *** - - - - -Produced by Chris Curnow and the Online Distributed -Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This file was -produced from images generously made available by The -Internet Archive) - - - - - - - - - -THREE VALUABLE BOOKS. - -_Beautifully printed and elegantly bound._ - - -The Art of Conversation, - -With Directions for Self-Culture. An admirably conceived and -entertaining book--sensible, instructive, and full of suggestions -valuable to every one who desires to be either a good talker or -listener, or who wishes to appear to advantage in good society. -*** Price $1.50. - - -The Habits of Good Society. - -A Handbook for Ladies and Gentlemen. With thoughts, hints, and anecdotes -concerning social observances; nice points of taste and good manners; -and the art of making oneself agreeable. The whole interspersed with -humorous social predicaments; remarks on fashion, etc. *** Price $1.75. - - -The Art of Amusing. - -A collection of graceful arts, merry games, and odd tricks, intended to -amuse everybody, and enable all to amuse everybody else. Full of -suggestions for private theatricals, tableaux, charades, and all sorts -of parlor and family amusements. With nearly 150 illustrative pictures. -*** Price $2.00. - - _These three books are the most perfect of their kind ever - published. They are made up of no dry stupid rules that everybody - knows, but are fresh, sensible, good-humored, entertaining, and - readable. Every person of taste should possess them, and cannot be - otherwise than delighted with them. *** Each will be sent by mail, - free, on receipt of price, or the three books for $5.00._ - - -Carleton, Publisher, - -New York. - - - - - [Illustration: THE art of AMUSING - BY Frank Bellew - CARLETON, Publisher, NEW YORK.] - - - - - THE - - ART OF AMUSING. - - - BEING A COLLECTION OF GRACEFUL ARTS, MERRY GAMES, ODD TRICKS, - CURIOUS PUZZLES, AND NEW CHARADES. TOGETHER WITH SUGGESTIONS FOR - PRIVATE THEATRICALS, TABLEAUX, AND ALL SORTS OF PARLOR AND FAMILY - AMUSEMENTS. - - A VOLUME INTENDED TO AMUSE EVERYBODY AND ENABLE ALL TO AMUSE - EVERYBODY ELSE; THUS BRINGING ABOUT AS NEAR AN APPROXIMATION TO - THE MILLENNIUM AS CAN BE CONVENIENTLY ATTAINED IN THE COMPASS OF - ONE SMALL VOLUME. - - - BY FRANK BELLEW. - - WITH NEARLY 150 ILLUSTRATIONS BY THE AUTHOR. - - - [Illustration] - - - NEW YORK: - _Carleton, Publisher, 413 Broadway._ - _London: S. Low, Son & Co._ - MDCCCLXVI. - - - - -Entered according to Act of Congress, in the year 1866, by - -GEO. W. CARLETON, - -In the Clerk's Office of the District Court of the United States for the -Southern District of New York. - - -[Illustration] - - -To J. C. W. - - To you, my little kinsman, I dedicate these pages, - Tho' not so wise, perhaps, as some you've read by graver sages; - They're not without a purpose, and I trust a kind and true one, - Older than eighteen hundred years, still good as any new one. - - If they could cheer some winter nights, and make some days seem - brighter, - I'd feel I'd paid a groat or so, - Of that great debt of love I owe, - To one at rest who, long ago, dealt kindly by the writer. - - F. B. - - - - -_CONTENTS._ - - - _CHAPTER I.--Something censorious.--Declaration of - Independence.--Card puzzle.--The magic coin.--A - hoax.--The telescopic visitor.--Boy's head knocked off._ 7 - - _CHAPTER II.--Colored mesmerism._ 17 - - _CHAPTER III.--Lemon pig and root dragon.--Portrait of the - gorilla.--Creature comforts.--High shoulders.--Theatre - and theatrical performances.--Nose turned up and teeth - knocked out without pain.--The Long-nosed Night-howler, - or Vulgaris Pueris cum Papyrus Capitus.--Imitation banjo - on piano.--Some conjuring tricks.--The reduced gentleman, - or dwarf perforce._ 20 - - _CHAPTER IV.--The voice of the Night-howler.--The play - of Punch and Judy, with full directions for producing - the same.--Charade on rattan._ 38 - - _CHAPTER V.--Parlor arts and ornaments, comprising - apple-seed mice, turnip roses, beet dahlias, and - carrot marigolds.--Counting a billion.--The algebraic - paradox.--Answer to charade on rattan.--Riddles, etc._ 56 - - _CHAPTER VI.--A patent play._ 72 - - _CHAPTER VII.--Pragmatic and didactic discourse.--Aunty - Delluvian, her party.--The duck and double-barrelled - speech.--The dwarf.--Trick with four grains of - rice.--Riddles, etc._ 81 - - _CHAPTER VIII.--The dancing Highlander and Matadore._ 99 - - _CHAPTER IX.--Answer to trick with four grains of rice.--How - to make an old apple-woman out of your fist._ 105 - - _CHAPTER X.--About giants, and how to make them._ 110 - - _CHAPTER XI.--A merry Christmas.--The boomerang.--Optical - illusion.--How to turn a young man's head.--The tiger-dog, - how to make him.--The elephant, how to make him.--Two - queer characters.--Captain Dawk and Colonel Gurramuchy._ 113 - - _CHAPTER XII.--Hanky-panky, instruction in the art._ 134 - - _CHAPTER XIII.--A tranquil mood.--Transparencies of - paper.--The dancing pea.--Artificial teeth._ 138 - - _CHAPTER XIV.--Artemus Ward, parlor edition._ 157 - - _CHAPTER XV.--Bullywingle the Beloved. A drama for private - performance._ 164 - - _CHAPTER XVI.--A quiet evening.--Fruit animals.--Window - staining.--Oddities with pen and ink._ 189 - - _CHAPTER XVII.--A country Christmas.--The trick - trumpet.--Eatable candle.--How to cut off a - head.--Ventriloquism.--The jumping rabbit.--Santa - Claus arrives._ 199 - - _CHAPTER XVIII.--The bird-whistle, how to make it._ 219 - - _CHAPTER XIX.--A quiet party.--Electric nose.--Miniature - camera.--The hat trick.--The magician of Morocco._ 222 - - _CHAPTER XX.--Theatrical red and green fire, how to make - them.--How to get up a theatrical storm._ 232 - - _CHAPTER XXI.--Card-board puzzles, the cross, the horseshoe, - the arch._ 238 - - _CHAPTER XXII.--The muffin man.--Earth, air, fire, and - water.--The broken mirror._ 243 - - _CHAPTER XXIII.--At a watering-place.--A ladies' fair.--Three - sticks a penny.--Smoking a cigar under water.--Firing at a - target behind you.--Firing firewater.--A practical - joke.--Explosive spiders._ 254 - - _CHAPTER XXIV.--Arithmetical puzzles.--The wolf, the goat, and - the cabbage.--Alderman Gobble's six geese, etc., etc._ 264 - - _CHAPTER XXV.--Charades._ 271 - - _CHAPTER XXVI.--The art of transmuting everything into coral._ 274 - - _CHAPTER XXVII.--Acting charades._ 279 - - _CHAPTER XXVIII.--The worship of Bud._ 299 - - - - -The Art of Amusing. - - - "_All work and no play, - Makes Jack a dull boy._" - - - - -CHAPTER I. - - -[Illustration] - -Perhaps one of the great social faults of the American is, that he does -not amuse himself enough, at least in a cheerful, innocent manner. We -are never jolly. We are terribly troubled about our dignity. All other -nations, the French, the German, the Italian, and even the dull English, -have their relaxation, their merry-making; but we--why, a political or -prayer-meeting is about the most hilarious affair in which we ever -indulge. The French peasant has his _ducas_ almost every week, when in -some rustic orchard, lighted with variegated lamps, ornamented with -showy booths, he dances the merry hours away with Pauline and Josephine, -or sips his glass of wine with the chosen of his heart in a canvas -cabaret, whilst the music of a band and the voices of a hundred merry -laughers regale his ears. He has, too, numberless _fetes_, which he -celebrates with masquerades and other undignified kinds of -jollification. At these entertainments all are welcome, high and low, -and all conduct themselves with a politeness worthy of our best -society--_only more_. We, the writer of this, have often and often -danced at these _bals champetres_ with a hired girl, a cook, or a nurse -for our partner. Does it not sound plebeian? The Germans enjoy endless -festivals and gift periods, when they have the meanness to offer each -other little presents "that an't worth more than two or three cents;" -but they are tokens of love and kindness, which make them all feel -better and happier. Then our grumpy friend, John Bull, has his -free-and-easies, and his cosy tavern parlor-meetings, and song-singings, -and his dinner-parties, and his tea-fights, at which latter, be the host -rich or poor, you will get a good cup of tea, and tender muffins, and -buttered toast, and cake, and shrimps, and fresh radishes, and Scotch -marmalade, or similar delicacies. - -A delightful repast and a cosy chat, followed, perhaps, by a rubber of -whist and a glass of wine or whiskey-punch, or mug of ale, according to -the condition of the entertainer; then there is a general "unbending of -the bow," and no one is troubled about his dignity. We have seen, -ourselves, in England, in a stately old castle, a party of lords and -ladies--for we, like the boy who knew what good victuals were, having -been from home several times--even we have seen good company--we say -that we have seen a party of lords and ladies, knights and dames of high -degree, and of mature years, romping and frolicking together, like a lot -of children, playing _Hunt the Slipper_, _Puss in the Corner_, _and -Blindman's Buff_, without the remotest idea that they had such a thing -as dignity to take care of; and no one seemed to have the slightest fear -that any one of the party could by any possibility do anything that -would offend or mortify any one else. The fact is, gentlemen or -gentlewomen can do anything; all depends on the way of doing it. If you -are a snob, for heaven's sake don't be playful; keep a stiff upper lip -and look grave; it is your only safety. - -However, we are improving. We have skating clubs. We play cricket and -base ball. We dine later, and take things a trifle more leisurely. -Theatre-going, our chief amusement, can hardly be reckoned a healthy -relaxation, though well enough now and then. Sitting in a cramped -attitude, in a stifling atmosphere, is not conducive to moral or -physical development. What we need are informal social gatherings, where -we may laugh much and think little, and where dignity won't be invited; -where we need not make ourselves ill with bad champagne and ice-starch, -nor go into the other extreme of platitudes, ice-water and doughnuts: -but where both body and mind will be treated considerately, tenderly, -generously. - -Now we are going to give a few hints that may help to make little -meetings such as we mention pass pleasantly; and should any of our -austere readers be afraid to risk our programme in full, they can call -in the children and make them shoulder the responsibility. "It is," you -can say, "a child's party," and then you can enjoy all the fun yourself. -The juveniles will not object. - -If merely for the purpose of promoting conversation, something ought to -be _done_, on all occasions of social gatherings, something to talk -about, something that will afford people an excuse for getting from -their seats, something to bring people together, something to break the -ice. We have seen a whole party of very estimable people sit round the -room for hours together in an agony of silence, only broken now and then -by a small remark fired off by some desperate individual, in the forlorn -hope that he would bring on a general conversation. - -In our little sketches we shall be discursive, erratic, and -unsystematic, just as the fancy takes us. Still, there will be a method -in our madness; we shall try to give in each chapter a programme -somewhat suited to some one season, and of sufficient variety and -quantity to afford amusement for one evening. - -[Illustration] - -In the first place, we must remark, in a general way, that we like a -large centre-table. It is something to rally round, it is handy to put -things on, and convenient for the bashful to lean against. On this table -I would accumulate picture-books, toys, and knick-knacks--little odds -and ends which will serve as subjects for conversation. If you can do no -better, make a pig out of a lemon and four lucifer matches, or an -alligator out of a carrot. But we will give some detailed instructions -on this point in a future chapter. Any simple puzzles, numbers of which -can be made out of cards, will be found helpful. Take, for example, a -common visiting-card, and bend down the two ends, and place it on a -smooth table, as represented in the annexed diagram, and then ask any -one to blow it over. This seems easy enough; yet it is next door to an -impossibility. Still, it is to be done by blowing sharply and not too -hard on the table, about an inch from the card. Another little trick -consists in making a coin (if such a thing is to be found nowadays) -stick to the door. This is done by simply making a little notch with a -knife on the edge of the coin, so that a small point of metal may -project, which, when it is pressed against the woodwork, will penetrate, -and so cause the dime or half-dime to appear to adhere magically to a -perpendicular surface. When you have exhibited one or two tricks of this -kind, some other member of the party may have something to show. Then, -having secured the confidence of your audience, you may venture to play -a hoax upon them. Never mind how trifling or how old these things are, -they will serve the purpose of making people talk. Say, for example: -"Now, ladies and gentlemen, I will show a trick that is worth seeing. -There are only two people in the United States that can execute -it--myself and the Siamese Twins. First of all, I must borrow two -articles from two ladies--a pocket-handkerchief and--a boot-jack." Of -course no one has the boot-jack; so, pretending to be a little -disappointed, you say: "Never mind; I must do without it. Will some -gentleman be kind enough to lend me three twenty-dollar gold pieces?" Of -course no one has these, either; so you content yourself with borrowing -two cents. You place one in each hand, and extending your arms wide -apart, assure your audience that you will make both pennies pass into -one hand without bringing your arms together. This you do by laying one -on the mantel-piece, and turning your whole body round, your arms still -extended, till the hand containing the other coin comes over the place -where you laid down the cent; then you quietly take it up, and the trick -is performed. - -After a little conversation, you can try something which requires a -little more preparation. The servant, whom you have previously -instructed, comes into the room and announces that "that" gentleman has -called to look at the pictures. You desire him to be shown in, and a -short, broad-shouldered man makes his appearance. Soon after he enters, -he turns his back on the company and begins to examine the works of art -on the wall, lengthening and shortening his body to suit the height of -the object he wishes to inspect. This is performed by your little -brother or son, aided by a broom, a couple of cloaks, and a hat. How, -you will doubtless be able to understand by looking at the subjoined -picture. - -[Illustration] - -[Illustration] - -Another trick of the same order can be performed in this wise: The -servant comes in to inform you that a naughty little boy--Jacky or -Willy--in another room won't eat his custard, but will cry for -ice-cream, or roast-beef, or alligator-soup. Every one is invited into -the room to see this singular child. You find him seated on a high -chair, with a very dirty face, making grimaces. You take the dish of -custard in one hand and a large spoon (the larger the better) in the -other, and begin to expostulate with him on his perversity, but all to -no effect; he only cries and makes faces. You then tell him if he does -not behave better you will be obliged to knock his head off. He -continues not to behave better, whereupon you give him a tap with the -spoon, and, to the surprise of all, his head rolls off on to the floor. -Your audience then find out that the naughty boy was made of a pillow -and a few children's clothes, whilst the head was supplied by Master -Jacky or Willy, ingeniously concealed behind the chair. - - - - -CHAPTER II. - - -A good practical joke to play in a rollicking party, where you can -venture to do it, is that of mesmerizing; you of course manage -beforehand to lead the conversation to the subject of mesmerism, then -profess to have wonderful powers in that line yourself. After more or -less persuasion, allow yourself to be induced to operate. You then say: - -"Well, I will try if there is any person in the company who is -susceptible to the magnetic influence. It is only in rare cases we find -this susceptibility; the person must be of exquisitely fine organization -and steady nerve. Few people can look one long enough in the face to -come under the influence; and, if the current be suddenly broken, the -result is apt to be very serious, if not fatal, by producing suspended -action of the heart and vital organs generally." - -Having now fully impressed on your audience the absolute necessity of -keeping still, you begin to look into the eyes of different persons, -press their hands, make passes at them, etc., as though you were -searching for the right temperament. At last you come to your intended -victim, and pronounce him just the man. You now seat him in a chair, -whilst you go into another room to prepare the necessary implements. -These are two plates, each having on it a tumblerful of water. One -plate, however, must be thoroughly blackened at the bottom, by holding -it in the smoke of a lamp or candle. This done, you carry the plates and -tumblers into the audience, and hand the one which is black to the -victim, who is seated in a chair. - -Before commencing operations, you must warn the audience that it is -absolutely necessary that they observe strict silence, as the least word -or exclamation will break the charm, and be attended with painful -effects to both operation and operatee. You may tell how, after being -once disturbed in this manner, you had most painful shooting-pains in -your nose for fifteen minutes, that being the point in contact with your -finger at the moment of interruption. All this is to prevent any one -giving vent to some exclamation calculated to betray the trick to your -victim. - -[Illustration: COLORED MESMERISM.--_See page 19._] - -You now seat yourself opposite the subject, and desire him to keep his -eyes steadily on yours, and imitate the motions of your fingers. You -then commence. First, you dip your finger in the water, and draw it down -the centre of your nose; he does the same; then you rub the bottom of -your plate with your fingers, and draw it over your chin; he follows -your example, and makes a black smudge on his face; you rub the bottom -of the plate again, and draw your finger over your nose, and so on for -several minutes, till the victim has smeared himself all over with -black. You then rise and compliment him on the steadiness with which he -underwent the ordeal, adding, however, that he has too powerful a -nervous organization for you to operate on. The victim will generally -rise with a rather complacent smile at these compliments, at which point -the audience will generally explode with laughter. The victim looks -puzzled--more laughter--the victim, thinking they are laughing at your -failure, joins in the merriment, which generally has the effect of -convulsing every one, when the climax is reached by handing a mirror to -the unhappy operatee, who usually looks glum, and does not see much fun -in the joke. - - - - -CHAPTER III. - - -We will now describe a little party we attended at a country house one -Christmas, some years ago; and should any of our readers find aught in -the entertainment they think worth copying, they can do so. - -[Illustration] - -When we arrived at Nix's house all the company had assembled--it -consisted of about ten grown people and a dozen children. All were in a -chatter over a couple of little objects on the centre-table. The one a -pig manufactured out of a lemon, and the other a dragon, or what not, -adapted from a piece of some kind of root our friend Nix had picked up -in the garden. We alluded to these works of art in our last chapter, and -now give a couple of sketches of them. As will be seen, they are very -easy of manufacture, and not excessively exciting when made, but they -serve to set people talking. One person told the story of Foote, or -some other old wit, who, at a certain dinner-table, after numerous -fruitless efforts to cut a pig out of orange-peel, retorted on his -friend who was quizzing him on his failure: "Pshaw! you've only made one -pig, but (pointing to the mess on the table) I have made a litter." Then -some one else discovered a likeness between the dragon and a mutual -friend, which produced a roar of laughter. Then a child exclaimed, "Oh! -what a little pig!" and some one answered her: "Yes, my dear, it's a -pigmy." Then a young lady asked how the eyes were painted, and a young -gentleman replied: "With pigment." Whereupon a small boy called out, "Go -in lemons!" which was considered rather smart in the small boy, and he -was told so, which induced him to be unnecessarily forward and pert for -the rest of the evening; but as he never succeeded in making another -hit, he gradually simmered down to his normal condition towards the end -of the entertainment. One group got into conversation about the dragon, -the dragon led to fabulous animals generally, fabulous animals to -antediluvian animals, these to pre-Adamite animals, and so in a few -minutes they were found deep in the subject of Creation; whilst the -group next to them, owing to some one's having conjectured whether my -friend's piece of sculpture could walk, and some one else having -suggested that it might be made to do so by means of clock-work or -steam, had got on to the subject of machinery, modern improvements, -flying-machines, and were away two thousand years off in the future, -making a difference of no less than ten thousand years between -themselves and the other party. At about this juncture of affairs, we -happened to notice a book on the table treating of a certain very -interesting animal, the newly discovered African ape, a subject which -was attracting a good deal of attention at that time. We took the work -in our hand and read on the cover the inscription: "Portrait of the -Gorilla." "Nix," we said to our friend, still holding the book in our -hand, "if all we hear of this gorilla be true, it must be a most -extraordinary animal, although I am rather inclined to be sceptical in -the matter; however, I have no right, perhaps, to form an opinion, as I -have never looked into the subject; but I'll get you to lend me this -book to-morrow. I will take the greatest care of it, and return it; -yes, I will, upon my word of honor. You never knew me fail to return any -work you lent me." This we said rather warmly, thinking we detected a -somewhat suspicious smile playing round the corner of our friend's -mouth. "Oh! yes, certainly," replied he; "you can have it with -pleasure--though I think your doubts will vanish when you have _looked -into it_." We did not notice specially that all eyes were upon us. We -carelessly opened the volume, and there, by all the spirits ever bought -and sold! was a neat little mirror between the covers of the book, and -reflected in it our own lovely countenance. Portrait of the Gorilla! eh? -This was what the boys would call _rather rough_, but every one except -ourself seemed to think it quite funny. It was some satisfaction, -however, to know that every one of the party had been taken in in like -manner before our arrival. - -A slight but pleasant tinkling now fell upon our ear, and behold! a -maiden entered, bearing a tray covered with tall crystal minarets, and -transparent goblets, which sparkled and twinkled in the lamplight, -followed by a more youthful figure supporting vessels of porcelain and -implements of burnished silver, above which wreathed and curled clouds -of aromatic incense; or, in other and better words, two hired girls -brought in coffee and punch. Punch! was it punch, or was it negus, or -was it sherbet? We don't know, but it was a pleasant, moderately -exhilarating beverage, compounded of whiskey, raspberry syrup, sugar, -and orange-flower water, and manufactured by Nix, as he subsequently -explained, at a cost of about thirty cents per bottle. A few little -cakes and some plates of thin, daintily cut slices of bread-and-butter -accompanied the beverages, and were handed round with them. We are great -believers in eating and drinking at all social gatherings. It is -convenient to have something to do with your mouth when you are stumped -in the way of conversation. If suddenly asked a puzzling question, or -hit in the chest with a sarcasm, what a resource is a glass of wine or -cup of coffee, in which to dip your nose whilst you collect your ideas, -or recover your breath. Besides, they give you something to do, -generally, in a small way. They afford opportunities for small -attentions, and excuses for rising from your seat, or moving from one -part of the room to the other. Added to which, wine and coffee and cakes -are nice things to take--you have the gratification of an additional -sense. Then, too, these little things are refreshing, and put you all in -good-humor. Therefore, for all these good reasons, and many more, we -insist on refreshments, and we insist, too, upon some kind of vinous -stimulant; this ice-water and doughnut business has been carried -altogether too far; had we less of it in our homes, less money would -pour into the coffers of the bar-keeper. If persons are teetotallers, -all very well; we respect their opinions, and, perhaps, decline their -invitations; but for people who have no moral scruples on the subject, -to ask you to visit them, and then insist on your drinking red-hot weak -green tea, when you are already nervous, perspire readily, have a tender -gullet, and hate the confounded stuff any way, is downright tyranny, and -the very opposite of all hospitality and true Christian charity. -However, our friend Nix held orthodox views on this question; so all -went well. By dint of helping each other to things we did want, and -offering each other things we didn't want, with the aid of a cup of -coffee for those that liked coffee, and a glass of punch for those who -liked punch, not to forget the little cakes, which came in quite handy -to nibble at occasionally, we all began to feel wonderfully at our ease, -and quite sociable. The conversation did not flag much; but once when it -showed a slight tendency to wobble, Nix set it in motion again by -introducing the subject of optical illusions in connexion with the -height of objects. After informing us that a horse's head was exactly -as long as a flour-barrel, and that a common stove-pipe hat was as broad -across the crown as it was high from the brim to the top (both of which -statements were argued pro and con), he drew our attention to the vast -difference the position of the shoulders make in a man's height. This he -illustrated by walking from the audience with his shoulders in their -natural position, until, having traversed half the length of the room, -he suddenly raised them, as represented in the accompanying sketches. -The effect was quite startling, and very ludicrous. All the male part of -the company tried their shoulders at this experiment, even down to -Freddy Nix, a little three-year-old, who, after ducking his head down on -his chest, and toddling off across the room, returned swaggering, -evidently under the impression that he had made a perfect giant of -himself by the operation. - -[Illustration] - -[Illustration] - -This was nominally a child's party, so we were to have some -_performances_. The folding-doors into the adjoining parlor were closed, -and one or two members of the company who were to be performers retired. -In a few moments the doors opened and revealed an extempore stage. The -kitchen clothes-horse, beautifully draped and decorated, formed the -background; while on a line with the foot-lights were two heads, one at -each side of the stage, intended to represent Tragedy and Comedy. They -were simply two large pumpkins with grotesque faces marked on them with -black and white paint. In less than no time a most remarkable-looking -stranger stepped forward and began to address us. Every one stared, and -wondered whence this singular-looking person could have come, for we -hardly supposed that Nix could have had him secreted in the house all -the evening for our special surprise. At last it dawned upon us, one by -one, that the individual in question was no other than Mr. Graham, a -very staid gentleman, who had been with us a moment before. The annexed -brace of sketches will show the appearance of Mr. Graham off and on the -stage. But how was this change effected? We will explain. In the first -place he had procured a narrow strip of black silk, which he had drawn -round one of his front teeth, with the two ends inside his mouth, which, -at a very short distance, looked exactly as though he had lost one of -his teeth. (A little piece of court-plaster stuck on the tooth will -answer the same purpose.) Then he had made a loop of horse-hair or grey -thread, and securing two of the ends to the lining inside his hat, had -hooked up the end of his nose with the other; in fact, he had put his -nose in a sling. This altered the character of his whole face, so that -his own wife would not have known him had she not heard him speak. He -now addressed the audience in a long, funny, showmanic rigmarole, of -which we only remember the following: - -"Ladies and gentlemen, you have all heard of the Ornithorhyncus, which, -as you are aware, is a species of duck-billed Platypus. You are familiar -with the habits and appearance of the Ororo Wow; and you have listened -to the sweet notes of the Catomonsterbung; but you are entirely ignorant -of the newly-discovered creature known to scientific men as the -Long-nosed Night-Howler, or Vulgaris Pueris cum Papyrus Capitus. This -extraordinary animal is chiefly sugariverous in its diet, though it will -eat almost everything when driven by hunger. It is perfectly tame, and -will only attack human beings when it feels like it. I will now proceed -to exhibit this extraordinary creature, requesting you only not to run -pins into the animal, as it does not like that style of thing. Bring in -the Night-Howler!!" - -The last words were addressed in a loud voice to an assistant outside, -who immediately appeared, leading an animal such as is represented in -the annexed cut. This monster began immediately to emit the most hideous -and unearthly noises, as became the Night-Howler. After walking round -among the audience once or twice, the Vulgaris Pueris retired behind the -curtain. The accompanying sketch will explain how the Night-Howler is -made. Beyond the boy and the boots and the brown-paper cap, all that is -wanted is a rough shawl or large fur cape. The howl is produced by means -of one or two instruments, into the construction of which we will in a -future chapter initiate our readers. With one of these instruments the -most varied tones may be produced, from the grunt of the hog to the most -delicate notes of the canary. - -[Illustration] - -[Illustration] - -The performance now proceeded: the second act being some feats of -strength by one of our party who had the necessary physical ability for -that kind of display. These embraced the following programme, each feat -being announced by Mr. Showman with some extravagantly pompous title: - -Balancing chair on chin. - -Holding child three years old at arm's length. - -Lying with the head on one chair and the heels on another without any -intermediate support, and in this position allowing an apparently heavy -but really light trunk to be placed on his chest. - -The whole wound up by his dancing a negro breakdown to imitation -banjo[1] on the piano, the entire audience patting Juba. - - [1] Should any of our friends not know how to produce an imitation - of the banjo on a piano, we may as well inform them that it is - done by simply laying a sheet of music over the strings during - the performance. - -Now another performer appeared on the stage, dressed in extravagant -imitation of the one who had preceded him, and commenced parodying in a -still more extravagant style all the motions of the professional -acrobat. We expected something grand! After innumerable flourishes he -brought forward a small three-pound dumb-bell, laid it on the floor, -and, bowing meekly to the audience in different parts of the house, he -stooped down as though about to make an immense muscular effort, -grasped the dumb-bell, slowly stretched it forth at arm's length, held -it there a second or two, and then laid it down again, made a little -flourish with his hands, and a low bow, just as they do in the circus -after achieving something extra fine. In this way the performer went on -burlesquing till we all roared with laughter. When he had retired, a -conjuror appeared and exhibited numerous tricks, such as the ring trick, -tricks with hat and dice, cup and ball, etc.; but as all these need -machinery, we will not describe them at present. One or two, however, we -may explain. No. 1. The performer presented a pack of cards to one of -the audience and begged him to select a card; this the performer then -took in his own hand, and carried it with its face downward, so that he -could not see it, and placed in the middle of the floor of the stage; he -then produced a large brown-paper cone, and placed it over the card, and -commenced talking to the audience, telling them what he could do and -what he could not do: finally he informed the audience that he could -make that card pass to any place he or they chose to name. Where would -they have it? One said one place, one another, till finally he pretended -reluctantly to accede to one particularly importunate person's wishes, -and declared that it should be found in the leaves of a certain book on -a certain table at the back of the audience--and there it was, sure -enough. This was done by having a piece of waxed paper attached to a -thread lying ready in the middle of the floor; on this waxed paper the -conjuror pressed the card, the thread being carried out under the screen -at the back, where stood a confederate, who quietly pulled the card out -from under the cone, and while the conjuror was talking he walked round, -entered by another door, and placed the card in the book, where it was -subsequently found. - -Another trick consisted in his allowing a person to draw a card which he -was requested to examine carefully, and even to mark slightly with a -pencil. While the spectator was doing this, the performer turned round -the pack in his hand so as to have all the faces of the cards upwards -except the top one, which showed its back; he then desired that the card -might be slipped anywhere into the pack; he then shuffled them well. Of -course, on inspecting the pack he soon detected the selected card, it -being the only one with its face down, which, after various -manipulations, putting under cones and what not, he returned to the -audience much to their surprise. - -These efforts at legerdemain were certainly not very brilliant, but they -amused the audience and were easy to do. We should like to give a few -more of his simple tricks, but with one illusion-trick we will close the -chapter, for which purpose it will serve, as it formed the _finale_ to -the conjuror's performance. - -He stepped forward and said: - -"I have shown you many wonderful things, but they are as nothing -compared to what I can do. My supernatural power is such that I can -lengthen or compress the human frame to any extent I please. You doubt -it? Well, I will show you. You see Mr. Smith, yonder; he is a rather -tall man; six feet two, I should judge? Well, I will throw him into a -trance, and while he is in that state, I will squeeze him down to a -length of about three feet, and I will have him carried to you in that -condition. I must only insist upon one thing, and that is, that you do -not say _hokey pokey winkey fumm_ while he is in the trance; for if you -do it might wake him up, and then he would be fixed at the height of -three feet for the rest of his life; I could never stretch him out -again." - -Mr. Smith was requested to step behind the curtain. He walked forward, -pale but firm and collected. Soon after he had disappeared we heard -strange noises and fearful incantations, accompanied by a slight smell -of brimstone and a strong smell of peppermint. After a few minutes the -tall Mr. Smith was carried in on the shoulders of two men a perfect -dwarf, as promised by the conjuror, and as represented in the following -cut. - -[Illustration] - -How this is managed will become tolerably clear to the reader on -examining the next diagram. - -The tall Mr. S. had put a pair of boots on his hands, a roll of sheeting -round his neck, so as to form something resembling a pillow, behind his -head; then something on his arms under his chin to represent his chest -(which is not shown in the diagram), and over that a baby's -cradle-quilt, and then he rested his boots on another gentleman's -shoulders; two long sticks were provided and slung as represented, and -the miracle was complete. We have seen the figure lengthened to an -inordinate extent by the same process, the only difference being that -the gentlemen were further apart. - -[Illustration] - -Mr. Nix's party concluded, after several other games and amusements, -with a neat but inexpensive entertainment, consisting of sandwiches, -sardines, cold chicken, cakes, oranges, apples, nuts, candies, punch, -negus, and lemonade. But everything was good of its kind; the sandwiches -were sandwiches, and not merely two huge slices of bread plastered with -butter, concealing an irregular piece of sinew and fat, which in vain -you try to sever with your teeth, till you find yourself obliged to -drop the end out of your mouth, or else to pull the whole piece of meat -out from between the bread, and allow it to hang on your chin till you -cram it all into your mouth at once. His were not sandwiches of that -kind, but, as we said before, sandwiches; the cakes had plenty of sugar -in them, and so had the lemonade. But, above all, what made these little -trifles the most enjoyable was the taste displayed by _some one_ in the -decoration of the table with a few evergreens, some white roses made out -of turnip, and red roses out of beets, not to mention marigolds that -once were carrots, nor the crisp frills of white paper which surrounded -the large round cakes, nor the green leaves under the sandwiches, the -abundance of snowy linen, shining knives and forks, and spoons. But we -must conclude; what we wish particularly to impress upon the minds of -our readers by thus _dwelling on sandwiches and fine linen_ is, that you -cannot afford to ignore one sense while you propose to gratify another; -they are all intimately related and bound together like members of a -fire company; if you offend one, all the others take it up. - - - - -CHAPTER IV. - - -In our last chapter we promised to explain the nature of the little -instrument by which the Night-Howler produced those "hideous and -unearthly noises" to which we alluded. We will now proceed to do so; and -as this instrument is the same as that used by showmen in the play of -Punch and Judy, we cannot do better, while we are about it, than -instruct our readers how to get up a Punch and Judy show. - -First, with regard to the instrument. It is a very simple affair: get -two small pieces of clean white pine, and with a sharp knife cut them of -the shape and size of the diagram marked 1. Then put these two pieces -together as represented in Figure 2, having previously slipped between -them a piece of common tape, also represented in the diagram (the tape -must be just the same width as the wood); then wind some thread round -the whole thing lengthwise (to keep the bits of wood together and the -tape taut), and the Punch-trumpet is made, as represented in figure 3. -Place the instrument between your lips and blow; if you cannot produce -noise enough to distract any well-regulated family in three-quarters of -an hour, we are very much mistaken. - -[Illustration] - -To produce variety of notes and tones, as well as to speak through it, -after the manner of the Punch showmen, the instrument must be placed -well back in the mouth near the root of the tongue, in such a position -that you can blow through it and at the same time retain free use of -your tongue. A little practice will enable you to do this, and to -pronounce many words in a tolerably understandable manner. To discover -this last item in the use of the instrument, simple as it is, cost the -writer of this an infinity of trouble and some money; and it was not -until after two years' hunting and inquiry, and the employment of agents -to hunt up professors of Punch and Judy, that we discovered an expert -who, for a handsome fee, explained the matter; and then, of course, we -were amazingly surprised that we had never thought of it before. From -the same expert we learned how to make another instrument by means of -which it is possible to imitate the note of almost every animal, from -the hog to the canary-bird. We soon compassed the hog, the horse, the -hen, the dog, the little pig, and something that might be called the -horse-linnet, or the hog-canary; but ere long we found that considerable -practice was necessary to enable us to accomplish the finer notes of the -singing-birds. How to make this latter instrument we will explain in a -future chapter; at present we must go on with the play of Punch and -Judy. - -We commence instructions with a view taken behind the scenes, which will -help the description (see cut on page 40). We may state that the London -showmen carry about with them a species of little theatre of simple -construction, which is of course better than a mere door-way; but as the -latter will answer the purpose, and many people will not care to make -a theatre, we will at present content ourselves with that which every -house affords. - -[Illustration: PUNCH AND JUDY, BEHIND THE SCENES.--_See page 40._] - -In the play of Punch and Judy there are many characters--indeed, you can -introduce almost as great a variety as you please; but the leading ones -are: - - Mr. Punch, a merry gentleman, of violent and capricious temper. - Judy (wife of Punch). - Baby (offspring of Punch and Judy). - Ghost. - Constable. - -The heads of these characters can be made in several ways. The first is -to get the necessary number of common round wooden lucifer match-boxes -and some red putty. With the putty you make the noses and chins of the -characters (all except the Ghost, who requires no nose). With a -camel's-hair brush and a little India-ink or black paint you mark out -the features strongly, taking care to make the eyes and eyeballs of a -good size, so as to be seen at a distance. With a little red paint or -red chalk you can color the cheeks, and with a little white paint or -white chalk give brilliancy to the teeth and eyes. The annexed cut will -show what the style of countenance ought to be of each, No. 1 being the -Constable, No. 2 Judy, and No. 3 Mr. Punch himself. The Ghost is not -represented. In feature he is much like the Constable, only that his -face must be made as white as possible, and the features simply marked -out in blue or green or black. The Baby can be made out of an ordinary -clothes-pin or stick of wood. - -[Illustration] - -[Illustration] - -[Illustration] - -[Illustration] - -If the match-boxes cannot be easily obtained, just roll up a good-sized -card, as represented in this figure, and paint on it the features. The -nose and chin can be made of a bit of red rag or paper folded up of the -desired shape, and either sewed or gummed on. Another and far better way -of making these heads (though it takes more trouble), is to get a -carpenter to cut out for you four or five pieces of white pine or other -fine wood of the shape of the sketch annexed, with a hole in each large -enough to easily admit your fore-finger. From this block you can carve -as elaborate a head as you please, and one of larger size than the -match-box, which will be advantageous. The diagram marked O will show -you how to set about making the carving. Having now made the bald heads, -you must proceed to dress them. Punch must have a bright red cap with -yellow tassel and binding, like the one in the accompanying sketch. Judy -must have a white cap with broad frill and black ribbon. The Constable -must have a wig made out of some scrap of fur (the remains of a tippet -or cuff), or if fur cannot be procured, a piece of rope unravelled will -make a good wig. The Ghost only requires his winding-sheet drawn over -his head. All these can be nailed on the heads of the actors with small -tacks without hurting their feelings. - -[Illustration] - -Having got the heads complete, we will proceed to construct their -bodies. These merely consist of empty garments, the operator's hand -supplying the bone and sinew. The dresses must be neatly fastened round -the neck of the head, so that when the performer puts his hand inside -the dress, he can thrust his fore-finger into the hole in the head. They -must of course be sufficiently large to admit the hand of the showman, -each sleeve to admit a thumb or finger, and the neck large enough for -the passage of the fore-finger. Thus the thumb represents one arm, the -middle finger another arm, whilst the fore-finger, thrust into the head, -supports and moves it about. The style of dress of Punch and Judy can be -easily seen in the small sketch. The color of Punch's coat should be -red, with yellow facings, with a hump sewed on his back and a paunch in -front. Judy should have a spotted calico and white neck-handkerchief. -The Constable had better be attired in black, and the Ghost and Baby in -white. Each of the sleeves should have a hand fastened into it. The -hands can be made of little slips of wood, with fingers and thumbs -marked on them. They should be about two and a half or three inches -long, only about three-quarters of an inch of which, however, will -project beyond the sleeve; the rest, being inside, will serve to give -stiffness to the arm when the performer's fingers are not long enough to -reach the whole way. - -[Illustration] - -Mr. Punch requires a club wherewith to beat his wife, and to perform his -various other assaults and batteries. A gallows, too, should be -provided, on the plan represented in the diagram, the use of which will -be explained hereafter. - -So much for the performers. Now for the theatre and the play. The -theatre is easily made. A narrow board about three or four inches wide -should be fixed across an open doorway just about one inch higher up -than the top of the head of the exhibitor. From this board hangs a -curtain long enough to reach the floor. Behind this curtain stands the -operator, with his actors all ready on a chair or table at his side. He -puts his Punch-trumpet in his mouth, gives one or two preliminary -_root-et-too-teet-toos_, puts his hand fairly inside Mr. Punch's body, -and hoists him up so that half his manly form may be seen above the -screen. A glance at our picture, BEHIND THE SCENES, will explain -anything our words have failed to convey. The audience are of course on -the opposite side of the curtain to which the performer stands. - -Before we commence with the dialogue of the play, we must mention one -very important part of the exhibition. As Mr. Punch's voice is, at the -best of times, rather husky, it is necessary that the exhibitor should -have a colleague or interpreter among the audience who knows the play by -heart, and who, from practice, can understand what Mr. Punch says better -than the audience. This person must repeat after Punch whatever he may -say, only not to wound his feelings; he must do so in the form of -questions--for example, suppose Mr. Punch says, "Oh! I've got such a -pretty baby!" the showman outside must repeat: "Oh! you've got a pretty -baby, Mr. Punch, have you? Where is she?" The outside showman ought to -have some instrument to play on--a tin tea-tray or tin pan will do--and -if there is any one to accompany him on the piano when Mr. Punch sings a -song or dances, so much the better. Now for the play. - -Mr. Punch makes his _debut_ by dancing round his small stage in an -extravagant and insane manner, singing some rollicking song in his own -peculiar style. Having indulged himself in this way for a few seconds, -he pulls up suddenly, and looking over the edge of the screen at the -showman outside, exclaims: - -_Punch._ "I say, old hoss!" - -_Showman._ "I say, 'old hoss!' Mr. Punch, that's not a very polite way -to address a gentleman. Well, what do you say?" - -_P._ "I say!" - -_S._ "Well, what do you say?" - -_P._ "I say!" - -_S._ "Well, you've said 'I say!' twice before. What is it you have to -say?" - -_P._ "I say!" - -_S._ "What?" - -_P._ "Nothing particular!" - -Mr. Punch dances off, hilariously singing. - -_S._ "Nothing particular! Well, that is a valuable communication." - -_P._ (Stopping again). "Oh, you April fool!" - -_S._ "April fool? No, Mr. Punch, I'm not an April fool. This isn't the -first of April." - -_P._ "Isn't it? Well, salt it down till next year." - -_S._ "Salt it down till next year? No, thankee, Mr. Punch. Guess you'll -want it for your own use." - -_P._ "Mr. Showman!" - -_S._ "Well, Mr. Punch?" - -_P._ "Have you seen my wife?" - -_S._ "Seen your wife? No, Mr. Punch." - -_P._ "She's such a pretty creature!" - -_S._ "Such a pretty creature, eh? Well, I'd like to be introduced." - -_P._ "She's such a beauty! She's got a nose just like mine" (touching -his snout with his little hand). - -_S._ "Got a nose just like yours, eh? Well, then, she must be a beauty." - -_P._ "She's not quite so beautiful as me, though." - -_S._ "Not so beautiful as you? No, of course not, Mr. Punch; we couldn't -expect that." - -_P._ "You're a very nice man. I like you." - -_S._ "Well, I'm glad you like me, Mr. Punch." - -_P._ "Shall I call my wife?" - -_S._ "Yes, by all means call your wife, Mr. Punch." - -_P._ (Calling loudly). "Judy! Judy, my dear! Judy! come up-stairs!" - -Judy now makes her appearance. Punch draws back and stands gazing at her -for a few minutes in mute admiration. Without moving, he exclaims: "What -a beauty!" then, turning to the audience, he asks earnestly: "Isn't she -a beauty?" He now turns to Judy and asks her for a kiss; they approach -and hug each other in a prolonged embrace, Mr. Punch all the time -emitting a species of gurgling sound expressive of rapture. This is -repeated several times, interspersed with the remarks of Mr. Punch on -the beauty of his spouse; after which, at Mr. _P._'s suggestion, the -couple dance together to lively music and the enlivening tones of Mr. -_P._'s voice; the performance winding up by Mr. Punch's leaning up -against the door of the theatre exhausted and delighted, and giving vent -to a prolonged chuckle of gratification. - -Punch now turns to the Showman and asks him if he has ever seen his -Baby. The Showman replying in the negative, Punch extols the beauty of -his offspring in the same extravagant strain as he has already done -that of his wife, makes the same comparison between his own and the -Baby's nose, declares that the Baby never cries, and that she is "_so -fond of him_." - -The Baby is now ordered to be brought up-stairs, and Judy disappears to -obey her lord's mandate. During her absence Punch favors the company -with a song. When Judy returns, bearing the infant Punch in her arms, -Mr. P. goes into raptures, calls it a pretty creature, pats its cheek, -and goes through all the little endearing ceremonies common to fathers. -After again informing the Showman that his Baby never cries, and is -fondly attached to him, he takes the infant in his arms, whereupon she -immediately sets up a continuous howl. Punch tries to hush and pacify it -for some time, but at last, losing his temper, shakes it violently and -throws it out of the window, or in other words, at the feet of the -audience. Judy is of course distracted, weeps bitterly, and upbraids her -husband, when the enraged Mr. Punch dives down-stairs and gets his club, -and whilst Mrs. P. is still weeping, gives her three or four sound blows -on the back of the head. This makes Mrs. P. cry still more, which, in -turn, increases Mr. P.'s wrath, who ends by beating her to death and -throwing her after the Baby. The Showman upbraids Punch with his crime, -but Punch defends himself by saying it served her right. However, he -finally admits that he is naturally a little hasty, but then he adds, -"It's over in a minute," and that's the kind of disposition he likes. He -further adds: - -_P._ "I'm a proud, sensitive nature." - -_S._ "You're a proud, sensitive nature, are you, Mr. Punch? I don't see -much pride in killing a baby." - -_P._ "That's because you don't understand the feelings of a gentleman." - -_S._ "Because I don't understand the feelings of a gentleman? Well, if -those are the feelings of a gentleman, I don't want to understand them, -Mr. Punch." - -This dialogue can be carried on to suit the taste and invention of the -exhibitor. - -Presently, while Mr. P. is recklessly glorying in his crime, declaring -that he is afraid of nothing, and laughing to scorn the Showman's -admonition, the Ghost makes his appearance close to Mr. _P._'s shoulder, -and stands there for some time, listening unobserved to Punch's brag. -After a while, however, turning round, Punch catches sight of him, and -is rooted to the spot with horror for a few seconds; then he retreats -backwards, his whole body trembling violently, till he reaches the side -of the theatre; here he turns round slowly to hide his face from the -awful apparition. When, by turning away, he loses sight of the Ghost for -a few seconds, he recovers his voice so far as to say to the Showman in -trembling tones: "W-h-h-a-a-t a hor-r-r-rid creature! What an awful -creature!" Then he turns round very slowly to see whether the "horrid -creature" is gone, but finding it still there, suddenly jumps -back--jambs himself up in the corner--pokes his head out of the window, -and screams, "Murder! murder! murder!" shaking all the time violently. -This he repeats several times, till at last the Ghost disappears. Then -Mr. P. recovers his courage and swaggers about as before, vowing he is -afraid of nothing, etc., etc. - -Now appears on the stage the Constable, who twists himself about in a -pompous style for some seconds, and then addressing Mr. Punch, says: - -_Constable._ "I've come to take you up!" - -_P._ "And I've come to knock you down!" (which he accordingly does with -his club). - -The Constable gets up, and is again knocked down several times in -succession. Not relishing this style of thing, however, he disappears -and returns with a club, and a battle royal ensues, part of which--that -is to say, one round of the battle--shows the skill of the Constable in -dodging Mr. P.'s blows, and can be made immensely funny if properly -performed. It is done in this way: The Constable stands perfectly still, -and Punch takes deliberate aim; but when he strikes, the Constable bobs -down quickly, and the blow passes harmlessly over his head. This is -repeated frequently, the Constable every now and then retaliating on -Mr. P.'s "nob" with effect. Not succeeding with the sabre-cut, Punch -tries the straight or rapier thrust. He points the end of his _baton_ -straight at the Constable's nose, and after drawing back two or three -times to be sure of his aim, makes a lunge; but the Constable is too -quick, dodges on one side, and Punch's club passes innocently out of the -window. This is repeated several times, till the Constable sails in and -gives Punch a whack on the head, crying: "There's a topper!" Punch -returns the compliment with the remark: "There's a whopper!" Now they -have a regular rough and tumble, in which Punch is vanquished. - -The Constable disappears and returns with the gallows, which he sticks -up in a hole already made in the stage (four-inch board previously -mentioned), and proceeds to prepare for the awful ceremony of hanging -Mr. P. Punch, never having been hung before, cannot make out how the -machine is intended to operate--at least he feigns profound ignorance -on the subject. When the Constable tells him to put his head into the -noose, he puts it in the wrong place over and over again, inquiring each -time, "That way?" till at last the executioner, losing all patience, -puts his own head in the loop, in order to show Mr. P. how to do it, -saying: "There! that's the way! Now do you understand?" To which Punch -responds, "Oh! that's the way, is it?" at the same time pulling the end -of the rope tight, and holding on to it till the struggling functionary -is dead, crying all the time: "Oh! that's the way, is it? Now I -understand!" - -Punch dances a triumphant jig, and so ends the _immoral_ drama of Punch -and Judy. - -Many more characters can be added at the option of the performer, -besides which, jokes and riddles can be introduced to any extent. We -have given the skeleton of the play, with all the necessary information -for getting up the characters. - -We will conclude this chapter with an excellent charade, the answer to -which will be given in the next chapter: - - -CHARADE. - - My whole is the name of the school-boy's dread, - My first is the name of a quadruped; - My first transposed a substance denotes, - Which in carts or in coaches free motion promotes; - Transpose it again, and it gives you the key - Which leads to the results of much industry. - My second is that which deforms all the graces - Which cluster around the fair maidens' fair faces; - Transpose it, and it gives you the name of a creature - Of no little notice in the history of nature. - Now take my whole in transposition, - And it will give you the dress of a Scotch musician. - - - - -CHAPTER V. - - -[Illustration] - -Heretofore the fireside amusements recorded by us have been rather -masculine in their character. In this chapter we shall have the pleasure -of describing an entertainment of more feminine qualities. It was a -small party, of the description which the Scotch call a cookeyshine, the -English a tea-fight, and we a sociable. A few young ladies in a country -village had conspired together to pass a pleasant evening, and the head -conspirator wrote us a note, which consisted of several rows of very -neat snake-rail fences (not "rail snake" fences, as the Irishman said), -running across a pink field. We got over the fences easily, and found -ourselves in a pretty parlor, with six pretty young ladies, one elderly -ditto, and a kind of father. The ladies, as we entered, were engaged in -making tasty little scent-bags. We had often seen the kind of thing -before, but never so completely carried out. - -[Illustration] - -The principal idea consisted in making miniature mice out of -apple-seeds, nibbling at a miniature sack of flour. But in this case -they had filled the sack with powdered orris-root, and the small bottles -with otto of roses, making altogether a very fragrant little ornament. -The subjoined sketch will convey the idea to any one wishing to try her -hand at this kind of art. - -As to the process of manufacture, that is simple enough: you first make -neat little bags of white muslin, and with some blue paint (water color) -mark the name of the perfume, in imitation of the ordinary brands on -flour-bags; then fill the bag with sachet-powder and tie it up. You then -get some well-formed apple-seeds, and a needle filled with brown thread -or silk with a knot at the end; after which pass the needle through one -side of the small end of the seed, and out through the middle of the big -end; then cut off your thread, leaving about half an inch projecting -from the seed; this represents the tail of the mouse. After this you -make another knot in your thread, and pass it through the opposite side -of the small end of the seed, bringing it out, not where you did the -other thread, but in the middle of the lower part, that part, in fact, -which represents the stomach of the mouse. You can now sew your mouse on -the flour-sack. It should be borne in mind that the two knots of thread, -which represent the ears, must appear near the small end of the seed. We -once saw some mice made of apple-seeds where the ears were placed at the -big end, producing the most ridiculous effect. We annex enlarged -diagrams of each style. - -It will be seen that one looks like a mouse, whilst the other resembles -a pollywog, or a newly-hatched dragon. - -[Illustration] - -You must now get a good-sized card, and if you wish to have it _very -nice_, paint it to resemble the boards of a floor. On this you sew your -sack, and one or two stray mice who are supposed to be running round -loose. Then having provided yourself with a couple of those delicate -little glass bottles of about an inch and a half in length, which are to -be found in most toy-stores, you fill them with otto of roses or any -other perfume; and with a little strong glue or gum, stick them to the -card in the position represented. If glass bottles are not to be -obtained, you may cut some out of wood, a small willow stick perhaps -being the best for the purpose; blacken them with ink, and varnish them -with weak gum-water, at the same time sticking on them little pieces of -paper to represent the labels, and, if you please, a little lead-paper -round the neck and mouth of the bottles, to give the flasks a champagney -flavor. The boxes and jars are likewise cut out of wood, and easily -painted to produce the desired appearance. - -After a time, while the young ladies were still at work on the mice like -so many kittens at play, a practical young gentleman, in spectacles and -livid hands, came in, and asked _of what use were those articles_. Upon -which one of the young ladies very properly replied that they did not -waste their time in making anything _useful_. This seemed to afford an -opportunity to the young gentleman to say something agreeable in -connection with _beauty_; but he put his foot in it, and we heard him -late in the evening, as the party was breaking up, trying to explain his -compliment, which, though well intended, had unfortunately taken the -form of an insult, and had not been well received. - -We had observed, on entering, that one of the young ladies present wore -in her hair a very beautiful white rose, and that another held in her -hand a small bunch of marigolds. As the season was mid-winter, this fact -attracted our attention, and we very gracefully complimented said damsel -on the beauty of her _coiffure_, at the same time expressing our ardent -admiration for flowers generally, roses particularly, and white roses -above all other roses. "We had made a study of them." We spoke -rapturously of them as the poetry of vegetation, as _vestals among -flowers, as the emblems of purity, the incarnation of innocence_. Then -the young lady asked us how we liked them _boiled_, and taking the one -from her head begged us to wear it next our heart for her sake. We -received it reverentially at her hand--it was heavy as lead. Her -somewhat ambiguous language immediately explained itself as she gaily -stripped off the leaves and revealed a good-sized turnip-stock on a -wooden skewer. We felt slightly embarrassed, but got over the difficulty -by saying that when we spoke so poetically we had no idea what would -turn-up. - -"Ah!" sighed one of the young ladies, "it is the way of the world; the -flower worshipped from afar, possessed, will ever turn out a turnip!" - -"Or," added we, "as in the case of Cinderella's humble vegetable turn -up, a turnout." - -This inoffensive little joke, being rather far-fetched, perhaps, was -immediately set upon and almost belabored to death by those who -understood it; whilst for the enlightenment of those who did not, we had -to travel all the way to fairy-land, so that it was some time before we -got back to vegetable flowers--a subject on which we felt not a little -anxious to be enlightened, as we saw therein something that might -interest our friends who meet by the fireside and help us in our -occupation of unbending the bow. Marvellously simple were the means -employed in producing such beautiful results. A white turnip neatly -peeled, notched all round, stuck upon a skewer, and surrounded by a few -green leaves, and behold a most exquisite white rose, perfect enough to -deceive the eye in broad daylight at three feet distance. The above -sketch will explain the whole mystery at once. - -[Illustration: ROSE IN PROCESS OF MAKING.] - -[Illustration: ROSE COMPLETED.] - -On the same principle a marigold may be cut out of a round of carrot -with a little button of beet-root for the centre; a daisy can be made -from a round of parsnip with a small button of carrot for the centre; a -dahlia from a beet; and several other flowers from pumpkins. It will be -easily seen that a beautiful bouquet can be compiled of these flowers -with the addition of a few sprigs of evergreen. Indeed, great taste and -ingenuity may be displayed in managing these simple materials. When the -process had been explained to us, as above described, we expressed our -delight, at the same time saying carelessly that there were doubtless -millions of ladies in the country who would find pleasure in learning so -graceful an accomplishment. The gentleman with the gold spectacles was -down upon us in a moment. - -"Did we know what a million meant?" - -To which we promptly replied that a million meant ten hundred thousand. - -"Did we know what a billion meant?" - -A billion, according to Webster, was a million million. - -A light twinkled out of the gold spectacles, and a glow suffused the -expansive forehead, as, with a certain playful severity, he propounded -the following: - -"How long would it take you to count a million million, supposing you -counted at the rate of two hundred per minute for twenty-four hours per -day?" - -We replied, after a little reflection, that it would take a long time, -probably over six months. - -With a triumphant air, the gold spectacles turned to our friend Nix. -Nix, who is a pretty good accountant, thought it would take nearer six -years than six months. One young lady, who was not good at figures, felt -sure _she_ could do it in a week. Gold Spectacles exhibited that intense -satisfaction which the mathematical mind experiences when it has -completely obfuscated the ordinary understanding. - -"Why, sir," he said, turning to us, "had you been born on the same day -as Adam, and had you been counting ever since, night and day, without -stopping to eat, drink, or sleep, you would not have more than -accomplished half your task." - -This statement was received with a murmur of incredulous derision, -whilst two or three financial gentlemen, immediately seizing pen and -paper, began figuring it out, with the following result: - - 200 Number counted per minute. - 60 Minutes in an hour. - ----- - 12000 Number counted per hour. - 24 Hours in a day. - ------ - 48000 - 24000 - ------ - 288000 Number counted per day. - 365 Days in the year. - -------- - 1440000 - 1728000 - 864000 - --------- - 105120000 Number counted per year. - -From this calculation we see that by counting steadily, night and day, -at the rate of two hundred per minute, we should count something over -one hundred and five millions in a year. Now let us proceed with the -calculation: - - 105,12(0,000)1,000,000,00(0,000(9,512 years. - 94,608 - ------- - 53,920 - 52,550 - ------- - 13,600 - 10,512 - ------- - 30,880 - 21,024 - ------ - 9,856 - -So that it would take nine thousand five hundred and twelve years, not -to mention several months, to count a billion. Gold Spectacles chuckled -visibly, and for the rest of the evening gave himself airs more worthy -of a conquered Southerner than a victorious mathematician. He afterwards -swooped down upon and completely doubled up a pompous gentleman bearing -the cheerful name of Peter Coffin, for making use of the very proper -phrase, "As clear as a mathematical demonstration." - -"That may not be very clear, after all, Mr. Coffin," said Gold -Spectacles. - -"How is that, Mr. Sprawl (Gold Specks' proper name being Sprawl); can -anything be clearer than a mathematical demonstration?" - -"I think, sir," answered Mr. Sprawl, "I could _mathematically -demonstrate_ to you that one is equal to two. What would you think of -that, sir?" - -"I think you couldn't do it, sir." - -Thereupon Mr. Sprawl took a sheet of paper and wrote down the following -equation--the celebrated algebraic paradox: - - _a_ = _x_ - _a_ _x_ = _x_^{2} - _a_ _x_ - _a_^{2} = _x_^{2} - _a_^{2} - (_x_ - _a_) x _a_ = (_x_ - _a_) x (_x_ + _a_) - _a_ = _x_ + _a_ - _a_ = 2 _a_ - 1 = 2 - -Mr. Coffin examined it carefully standing up, and examined it carefully -sitting down, and then handed it back, saying that Mr. Sprawl had -certainly proved one to be equal to two. The paper was passed round, and -those learned enough scrutinized it carefully. The _demonstration_ all -allowed to be positive, yet no one could be made to admit the _fact_. - -Here a certain married lady avowed her great delight in knowing that -_one_ had at last been _proved_ equal to _two_. She had been for years, -she said, trying to convince her husband of this fact, but he always -obstinately refused to listen to the voice of reason. She now trusted he -would not have the effrontery to fly in the face of an _algebraic -paradox_. - -Seeing the talk had taken an arithmetical turn, and was moreover getting -fearfully abstruse, our friend Nix thought he would gently lead the tide -of conversation into some shallower channel, wherein the young ladies -might dabble their pretty feet without danger of being swept away in the -scientific torrent. To this end he submitted the well known problem: -"What is the difference between six dozen dozen and half a dozen dozen?" -Strange to say, no one present had ever before heard of it, but the best -part of the joke consisted in Mr. Sprawl being completely taken by it. - -"Why, they are both the same," he answered promptly. - -All the rest seemed to think so too, and some could not get into their -heads, although poor Nix spent half an hour trying to convince them, -that half a dozen dozen was the same thing as six dozen, or 72; whilst -six dozen dozen must of course be seventy-two dozen, or 864. - -While Nix still spoke, a handmaiden appeared, bearing tinkling cups and -vessels of aromatic tea (not the weak green kind, bear in mind), and -plates of sweet cookies and toast, and then bread and butter, and -steaming waffles, and divers and sundry other delicacies known to true -housewives and good Christian women, who love their fellow-creatures and -respect their organs of digestion. - -As the tea is being served, we walk up to a young gentleman and ask him -if he knows why the blind man was restored to sight when he drank tea. -The young gentleman _gave it up_ precipitately. - -"Because he took his cup and saucer (saw sir)." - -The gentleman in gold spectacles says something about our being a -_sorcerer_, but we heed him not, fearing he may put us through another -algebraic paradox. Then comes a general demand for the answer to the -charade we published in our last chapter, which commenced: - - "My whole is the name of a school-boy's dread." - -"The answer to this, ladies, is Rattan; and you will find it," said we, -"a most excellent charade for children." - -Now commenced a grand festival of puzzles and riddles. Specimens of all -kinds were trotted out for inspection, from the ponderous construction -of our ancestors, commencing in some such style as, "All round the -house, through the house, and never touching the house," etc., to the -neatly turned modern con. - -Our friend Nix asked why Moses and the Jews were the best-bred people in -the world? - -Another wished to know why meat should always be served rare? - -Both these individuals, however, refused to give the solution until the -next meeting of the assembled company. Others were more obliging, but as -their riddles were mostly old friends, somebody knew the answers and -revealed them. It is a mistake to suppose that a good thing ought not to -be repeated more than once. There are certain funny things that we -remember for the last twenty years, and yet we never recall them without -enjoying a hearty laugh. We have read Holmes's _Autocrat of the -Breakfast-Table_ once every six months, ever since it was published, and -enjoy it better each time. We have been working away at the -_Sparrowgrass Papers_ for years, and yet we raise just as good a crop of -laughter from them as ever. These books resemble some of our rich -Western lands: they are inexhaustible. So when one of the company asked, -"When does a sculptor die of a fit?" we waited quietly for the answer, -"When he makes faces and busts," and laughed as heartily as though it -were quite new, although we had been intimate with the old con ever -since it was made, some fifteen years ago. We even enjoyed the -time-honored riddle: "What was Joan of Arc made of?" "Why, she was Maid -of Orleans, of course." But then this was put by a seraph with amber -eyes, and a very bewildering way of using them. The success attending -this effort seemed to stimulate the gentleman in gold spectacles, who -rushed into the arena with the inquiry: "What was Eve made for?" Most of -us knew the answer well enough, but we waited politely to let him -deliver it himself. Our surprise may be readily conceived when he -informed us, with evident glee, that "she was made for Harnden's Express -Company." Some looked blank, and others tittered, whilst Nix explained -to the ladies the true solution. It was for Adam's Express Company that -Eve was made. After this followed in quick succession a shower of -riddles, some of them so abominably bad, that an old gentleman, who did -not seem to take kindly to that sort of amusement, gave the -finishing-stroke to the entertainment by the annexed: - -Question. "Why is an apple-tart like a slipper?" - -Answer. "Because you can put your foot in it--if you like." - -After that we all went home. - - - - -CHAPTER VI. - - -A friend of ours, Dudley Wegger, who recently gave an extemporaneous -entertainment, amongst other things, devised a new kind of play, of such -exceedingly simple construction that we have judged it expedient to put -it on record. It must be observed that it is his _method_ especially -which we applaud and recommend, and further be it observed, that we -applaud and recommend it on account of no other excellence save that of -simplicity. - -Mr. Wegger possessed the power of imitating one or two popular actors. -He had read our instructions on _make-up_--viz.: curled hair, turn-up -nose, high shoulders, etc., and from these slender materials he made the -body of his play. As soon as we arrived, he seized upon ourself, dragged -us into a back room, put a hideous mask on our face (which smelt -painfully of glue and brown paper, by the way), and then commanded us to -don sundry articles of female attire--to wit, a hat and gown. To our -earnest appeals as to what we were to do, he only replied: - -"Oh, nothing; just come on the stage, kick about, and answer my -questions. You hold the stage and talk to the audience, whilst I go off -and change my dress." - -This we pledged ourself to do, and were nearly suffocated in the mask as -a consequence. - -When the curtain rose, Wegger marched on the stage attired in blue coat, -brass buttons, striped pantaloons, yellow vest, and stylish hat stuck on -one side. In his hand he held a small walking-cane, with which he -frequently slapped his leg. This was the walking-gentleman part. - -"Egad! here I am at last, after the fastest run across country on -record. Slipped the Billies, took flying hollow at a leap, gave my -admirable aunt the go-by, extracted the governor's lynch-pin, sent them -all sprawling in the ditch, just in time to be picked up by old Hodge, -the carrier, jogging along with his blind mare and rumbling old -shandrydan. Gad, Mortimer, you are a sad rogue! I must turn over a new -leaf, ecod! become steady, forget kissing and claret, go to church, read -the _Times_, and in fact, become a respectable member of society. Ah, -ha, ha! What has brought me here? Gad, I deserve success. Heard from my -valet last night that certain lady just come into immense fortune; -lovely as she is wealthy, Venus and an heiress; total stranger, no means -of procuring introduction; hired coach and four, gave post-boy guinea, -told drive like devil, and here I am in a strange country, a strange -house, and amongst strange people, to kill or conquer, _veni, vidi, -vici_! Ha! ha! ha! first in the field--fair start and a free run; back -myself at long odds to be in at the death. But gad! here she comes, the -country Hebe, the pastoral Venus, the naiad of turnip-tops and -mangel-wurzel. - - Enter _Heiress_ (ourself). - -Gad! she is a devilish fine-looking woman. I must approach her -(_advances_). Have I the honor to address the Lady Cicily de Rhino?" - -_Lady Cicily de Rhino._ "You get eout!" - -_Mortimer_ (aside). "Charming! Gad! I am over head and ears in love -already. Oh, bright divinity, why hide those radiant charms in sylvan -shades, when charms of fashion and bon-ton beckon you away! With me your -life shall be one live-long summer's day, and you and I two butterflies -sipping sweet nectar from the ruby rims of endless brimming goblets. -Say you'll be mine! A chaise awaits us, and on the wings of love we'll -fly away! Say, charmer, say the word, and I am your slave for life." - -_Lady Cicily de Rhino._ "Wal, slavery's bin abolished even in New -Jersey--guess you forgot that. However, I don't keer if I do; jist hold -on till I git my things." - - [Exit. - -_Mortimer._ "Gad! I took the citadel by storm--but some one approaches; -I must withdraw for a moment." - - [Withdraws. - - Re-enter _Lady C._, with bundle and umbrella. - -_Lady C._ "Wal, if the young man arn't gone; now that's mean." - - Enter _Reginald Spooneigh_ (Wegger, in a new dress). - -_Reginald._ "Kynde fortune has thrown me in the angel's path. The belue -skuye already smyles more beounteously on my poor fate. Fayer laydee, -turn not away those gentle eyes, that e'en the turtle-dove might sigh, -and dying, envy, envying, die of envy." - -_Lady C._ "Oh, git eout!" - -_Reginald._ "Say not so, fair laydee. A wanderer on this cruel earth, a -lover of the sweet songs of birds, the murmuring of streams, the gay -garb of nature, from mighty mountain-tops to rustling glens. I bring an -aching spirit seeking sympathy to thee." - -_Lady C._ "Dew tell!" - -_Reginald._ "A sympathetic heart within your bosom burns; say, let it -beat in unison with mine?" - -_Lady C._ "Well, I don't keer if I do; only hurry up, there's some one -coming." - -_Reginald._ "Coming? sayest though; then will I retire for a brief -space." - - [Retires. - -_Lady C._ "He seems a pretty nice kind or young man, tho' he ain't got -so much style into him as tother feller. Wal, them folks didn't come -this way arter all, so he'd no call to be so scart," etc., etc. - - Enter _General Hab-grabemall_ (Wegger again). - -_General._ "Thunder and Mars! I thought I should never have got here. -Road as dusty as a canteen of ashes; coach as slow as a commissary mule. -Had half a mind to bivouac on the roadside--make a fire of the -axletrees, and roast the postilion for dinner. But shells and rockets! I -must beat up the quarters of this fair one, or some jackanapes civilian -will be stealing a march upon me (sees _Lady C._). Gad! there she is! I -must make a charge on her left wing. Hey! my little beauty, here's a -battered old soldier, wounded everywhere except in his heart, crying -surrender at your first fire. He yields himself prisoner-of-war, and -gives up his untarnished sword to you and you alone." - -_Lady C._ "Wal, I ain't no use for swords, and there are summeny solgers -straggling round now with old weppins--" - -_General._ "I have fought for my king and country through many a burning -summer noon, and many an Arctic winter night, and now I would plant my -laurels in the sunshine of your eyes, that they may bring forth bright -blossoms." - -_Lady C._ "Wal, if them's the case, they makes a difference." - -_General_ (aside). "Now for a bold charge! (aloud). Share, oh fairest of -your sex, my niche in the Temple of Fame, my hand and heart as true as -steel. Say, will you accept a rough old soldier's hand and a -Major-General's cocked hat." - -_Lady C._ "Wal, I don't mind if I dew, only don't you fool me as them -other fellers did." - -_General._ "What, blood and ouns! have any fellers dared to fool the -fairest of her sex. I will demand satisfaction; where are they?" - - [Exit. - -_Lady C._ "I want to know! Ef the Genrl ain't gone off to whip them two -fellers! O my! won't there be a muss, jest. But Lor! he'd no call to be -so mad about it. I didn't keer. - - (_Sings_)--"When the moon is on the mountain, - My heart it is with you, - And stirring thoughts come stirring up - The extra oyster stew." - - Enter _Adolphus Tinkletop_ (Wegger again). - -_Adolphus._ "Well I declare, if here ain't a feminine young woman of the -female persuasion a-singing a song. Go on, most charming of your sex, -and I'll jine in the chorus. But hold! pause--be calm, Tinkletop: this -must be she, the lovely heiress I have come in search of. The young and -lovely female heiress, who has just dropt into a very large fortune in -silver and gold, sing tooral lol, looral, lol looral le day. Tinkletop, -my boy, you are a lucky fellow. I think I may venture to remark, without -any immediate dread of contradiction, that I am an exceedingly fortunate -individual. I must put on my most insinuating manner without further -procrastination, which is the thief of time. Ah! ahem! how shall I -begin? Ahem! how de do, my dear? How's the folks?" - -_Lady C._ "Purty well; how's yourself?" - -_Adolphus._ "Oh! I'm exceedingly well; remarkably well; excessively -well. I've quite got over that pain in my chest." - -_Lady C._ "Ye don't say!" - -_Adolphus._ "Fact! Hembold's Cosmos cured me immediately, if not sooner. -Oh, yes! I'm all right, thank ye. But excuse me, young woman. I've come -down here on a little matter of business of the highest importance. Your -name is Lady Cicily Rhino?" - -_Lady C._ "Wal, 'taint nothin' else." - -_Adolphus._ "That is precisely what I want to arrive at. I am in the -dry-goods business, than which there is no higher social position in the -world. I am not rich, but I expect to be. Of my personal appearance you -can form a more just and adequate opinion than any language of mine -could convey. In other words, I am more easily conceived than described. -Now, the question is, whether you will accept my hand and heart." - -_Lady C._ "Wal, I don't keer if I do." - -_Adolphus._ "Most charming little pippetsy poppetsy; let me embrace -those virgin lips." - -_Lady C._ "Oh, lor! Now wait a minute." (Turns her head away bashfully, -and puts up her umbrella. Both parties retire behind the umbrella, when -a loud smack is heard--such a smack as has been compared to the noise -produced by a horse dragging his foot out of a mud-hole. Then both -strike an attitude with the umbrella between them, and the curtain -descends in a blaze of red light.) - - THE END. - -Now if this is not a simple way of building a drama, we are no judge. - -Our adjoining illustration represents the interview between General -Hab-grabemall and the lady. The General acquires a gigantic appearance -by tying a folded shawl or small pillow on each shoulder before he puts -on his cloak; his face is made up chiefly of curled hair and diachylon. -Reginald Spooneigh has long flaxen hair, made out of some rope -unravelled for the purpose, and sewed on to a tightly-fitting cap, -moustache and beard to match, and turn-down collar. The rest of his -attire may be in any style most convenient. - -Mr. Tinkletop is remarkable for a red nose, turned up, and one tooth -missing (both according to our prescription given in a previous -chapter). His vest and cravat are of bright colors, and his coat also, -if possible. - -[Illustration: PRIVATE THEATRICALS.--_See page 80._] - - - - -CHAPTER VII. - - -Mankind in general, and we modern Americans in particular, are -perpetually striving to come a "gouge game" over nature. We feel that -this expression is very slangy and low-lived, but as none other seems so -precisely to convey our idea, we must for once borrow a phrase from the -ring and the race-course. So we repeat that we are, most of us, -perpetually striving to "gouge" nature; but nature is too smart for us, -and will not allow herself to be fooled by any clumsy device it is in -our power to invent. Nature starts us in the business of life with a -certain amount of capital in mental, physical, and nervous power; and -just so much capacity for enjoyment; and we, instead of investing this -in the best manner to produce the largest legitimate amount of interest, -are perpetually engaged in trying some "dodge" whereby we may spend the -capital and still draw the interest. A young man starts in business -with the resolution that he will make a fortune in such and such a -number of years, and then he will retire while he is still young, and -lead the most glorious life mortal ever knew. And so he _pitches in_, -buys, sells, wheedles, bullies, tricks, cheats, works night and day, -without any let-up at all. There will be plenty of time, he thinks, for -recreation when he has made his fortune. Then he will go to Europe, -build himself a house on the Hudson, buy the fastest pair of horses, -cultivate society, purchase pictures, and be supremely happy. The years -trot on, but the hopeful man finds it is slower work making a _pile_ -than he thought; or perhaps he raises his figure, so he sets to work -with renewed vigor. His nerves are allowed no rest to recover their -tone; his stomach is allowed no leisure to perform its work; his body -gets no healthful exercise; and his soul no ray of light from the -beautiful and lovable. "There will be time for all these things by and -by, when he has made that two hundred thousand dollars." At last the sum -is made, though our hopeful man is a few years older than he intended he -should be on retiring. Still the money is made, and he is going to enjoy -it. He builds himself a fine house in the country, with "lots of style -into it," and plants around it a number of small trees, which will be -of decent size about twenty years after he is buried. But that is of no -consequence--there is beautiful scenery all around. But what is this the -rich man discovers? Why, that the trees and hills and streams are not -the same that they were when he was young. He finds, too, that pictures -"don't amount to much." He is rather nervous about driving fast horses; -and as to society, he has got quite out of the way of that whilst making -his fortune. He finds that collecting round one congenial and agreeable -people is a work of time and care, besides which, there is no society in -the country any way. Then his wife hates the country. So our rich man -sells his house in the country, returns to the city, and enters into -some new business operations just to pass the time away; having made the -melancholy discovery that whilst engaged in acquiring means, he has lost -the capacity for enjoyment. The fact is, nature will not stand much -nonsense. If you think you are going to work her without mercy or -consideration the best part of your life, and then expect that she will -gaily bear you on her back, sporting through valleys of delight, you are -very much mistaken. - -Another man thinks he will get the maximum enjoyment out of life by aid -of wine, and so he mortgages his whole capacity of enjoyment for a few -years' excessive excitement, and is amazingly surprised when he finds -himself a bankrupt. Nature will not cash his draft at any price. He is -not aware that every thrill of pleasure derived from excessive -stimulating has to be paid for with usury. Others again fancy they will -get ahead of nature by forcing the minds of their children as they would -cucumbers; but after an incalculable amount of trouble, expense, and -cruelty, the child comes of age a bankrupt, mentally and physically. The -soil has run out; it can produce no more--and what wonder! It was never -allowed to lie fallow; it was never renewed; and now it is fit for -little or nothing. - -These are some of the ways in which we attempt to _gouge_ nature. We -overtax her in every way, until we _drive the willing horse to death_, -and then our journey ends; all the load of fine goods we have been to -market for, must be dumped into the mud for the next traveller coming -along with a fresh horse. - -Now, one great aim of this book on "Fireside Amusements," is to persuade -people to let up on nature. We should all be so much healthier, so much -kinder, so much better Christians, if we would only amuse ourselves and -each other a good deal more. We should get such infinitely better work -out of ourselves, and more of it, so that we should be richer into the -bargain. No man can expect to win the race with a jaded horse. Suppose -you owned Flora Temple, and in your eagerness to make money, should -oblige her to run two or three races every day; why, the chances are you -would lose every time, and soon be a beggar. But suppose you only match -her at proper intervals, when she is fresh and in good condition; you -don't run so many races, but you win every time. Why should you treat -yourself so much worse than a horse? Is it because you are ----? No, you -have simply adopted a bad national custom. - - -AUNTY DELLUVIAN GIVES A PARTY. - -We have a female relative whom we have playfully christened Aunty -Delluvian--an old-fashioned person, who is particularly opposed to all -"new-fangled notions," who loves the "good old times" and "good old -ways;" who thinks there are no young men nowadays to compare with -those of her day. She tells how straight they used to carry themselves, -and she draws herself bolt upright and throws back her shoulders -to give effect to her words, and "they didn't wear those nasty -things--pshaw!--over their lips." She has never become reconciled to -moustaches. She thinks, too, the girls are not so pretty nowadays as -they used to be; then, their cheeks were so bright and red, "just like -roses," and their eyes were so bright they fairly snapped and twinkled; -"but now, my dear, it's all dough and boiled gooseberries--dough and -boiled gooseberries!" She tells us, too, of many persons, long since -gone, among whom stands, out in bold relief and heroic proportions one -'Squire Dexter. Then there is another person, Sally Mason, of whom we -hear repeatedly, who must have been a very deceitful character, from -what Aunty Delluvian tells us. But why does she take such pains to tell -us so much about Sally Mason, and to convince us that she was not pretty -"one mite," only "she had those forward, pushing ways with her, my dear, -which men find out sooner or later, my dear, and 'Squire Dexter found -her out at last, to his sorrow." Why does she tell us this, and ask our -opinion as to whether getting into a seat in a gig, which had been -expressly reserved for another person, was not conduct unworthy of a -girl of proper modesty and self-respect? When we answer, as we -invariably do, with feigned surprise that such conduct "would be -unpardonable," she straightens herself up, saying: "Well, my dear, Sally -Mason did just that thing!" Why does Aunty Delluvian consult us on this -point, and many other trivial points concerning the proper conduct of a -"modest, right-minded maiden?" It is hard to say. But, though we laugh -and quizz Aunty Delluvian about many things, we feel that this is, -somehow or another, sacred ground, and tread gently over the graves of -her dead memories. - -Aunty Delluvian is a great favorite in our circle. She has many stories -to tell, popular legends in her girlhood, of General George Washington -and the Hessians and Red-Coats; and though she does not understand the -humor of the present day, she knows some very funny verses by George -Coleman the Younger, and some riddles of the composite order of -architecture. - -Well, Aunty Delluvian has taken quite an interest in our theory on -"Fireside Amusements." She thinks its tendency good, for, as she justly -observes, "young people are far too stuck up nowadays; too stuck up, my -dear." So, in the goodness of her heart, the other evening she gave a -little party, built on our principle, which we herewith beg to report. - -At the back of her old-fashioned country-house spreads a green lawn, -surrounded by old apple and cherry-trees, with trunks as big round as -the body of a horse. On this lawn she gave her party. When we arrived we -found tables spread out with a goodly array of eatables and drinkables, -the aroma of the tea mingled with the songs of the birds, whilst the -perfume of the ripe strawberries, the grape-jelly, the steaming -biscuits, and the hundred other country delicacies, blended harmoniously -with the chirp of the crickets and the drone of the bees. It was a -pretty, a very pretty sight; the long rows of snow-white table-cloth, -the old china, the shining silver and steel, the glittering glass, the -mountains of red strawberries surrounded by grape-leaves, and the -innumerable nosegays of bright flowers. Not far off, in the little -barn-yard, we heard the "peet-peet," of the young chickens, whilst the -occasional double-bass of the family cow gave delightful assurance of -the freshness of the milk and the purity of the cream. Aunty Delluvian, -clad in brown silk with full sleeves and scanty skirt, was all bustle -and smiles. Her old handmaiden, and hired boy from the farm-yard, and -two women who were strangers in the land of Delluvian, aided with -enthusiasm. - -Between forty and fifty persons, little (some very little) and big (some -very big), sat down to tea, and did generously by the repast. The meal -concluded, _dignity_ received informal notice to quit, and all pitched -in to clear away the things. A circle of humanity formed itself, and -behold the noble sport of "Oats, peas, beans, and barley grows." -Leading moral philosophers, eminent divines, weather-beaten old vikings, -gallant soldiers, and care-worn editors, sowed their seed, took their -ease, stamped their feet, clapped their hands, viewed their lands, and, -after waiting for a partner, became united in the bonds of juvenile -matrimony with little curly-headed toddlers, and seemed to enjoy the fun -just as much as though they had never looked into a Greek lexicon, heard -the boom of cannon, or written a leader. - -We would like to dwell long upon this merry-making under the sky, for -there occurred enough pretty incidents and enough funny things out there -to bear telling for a week; but our mission is to instruct our friends -how to amuse others; so we must pass from the romps in the open air to -the amusements which took place inside, after darkness had driven the -merry-makers from the lawn. - -First in order came a great duck, chiefly made out of a boy and a sheet. -First of all we were requested to introduce the bird, and expatiate to -the company on its qualities. For who, they said, could speak better on -the virtues of a _great canard_ than an editor? Some one, however, -maliciously mentioned that the family doctor, Mr. Pillules, was the best -person to show up a _quack_. Some one else argued that some lady would -be better qualified to speak on Ducks; but no lady could be found with -courage enough to attempt the task, so it was finally agreed that Dr. -Pillules and ourself should deliver a double-barrelled speech. This -novel idea was, of course, rapturously received, so the doctor and -editor were compelled, _nolens volens_, to stand up and deliver, which -we did something after the following manner: - -[Illustration] - -_Doctor._ "This bird which you now see before you, ladies and gentlemen, -is one of those detestable creatures known as the _Canard_. This -specimen was recently captured down South by some of the brave soldiers -in General Grant's army on the occasion of that gentleman's recent visit -to Richmond. This bird was formally the property of several newspaper -editors, and was used by them for the purpose of raising fowl for the -English market, where--" - -_Editor._ "They found a ready sale, being served up in the columns of -the _Times_ with peace-pudding, and subsequently rehashed with coal lies -and bully sauce, to satisfy the cravings of the British public. This -curious bird has, however--" - -_Doctor._ "Fallen into disrepute of late, and the people of England will -have to take a big dose of truth (a very unpleasant thing to an -Englishman) to counteract the disease which their gross indulgence in -the flesh of this foul bird has engendered; they will likewise--" - -_Editor._ "Be obliged to confine their diet to the wholesome but -unsavory humble pie. A kind of pie--" - -_Doctor._ "We have often prescribed for them before. However, the -cloud-capped summits of the mountains of Jehoshaphat--" - -_Editor_ (a little nonplussed). "May have _summit_ to do with the -question, and then again they may not. We are inclined to think that -Jehoshaphat was not half so fat as John Bull, and would have scorned to -eat a canard anyhow, particularly one raised by "niggers," and hatched -by steam; a bird which Shakspeare justly remarked--" - -_Doctor_ (a little puzzled this time). "Didn't know _beans_, or at all -events did not care about that wholesome and nutritious vegetable, -preferring to pick up the sentiments falling from the lips of Bull Run -Russell, or the revolting food provided for travellers at refreshment -saloons on the Camden and Amboy Railway, which, as every one knows--" - -_Editor._ "Are simply provided by that company to kill off transient -citizens of loyal States, which they do as effectually as the greatest -quack, even were he as large as the specimen now before us. I do not of -course refer to our friend the----" - -How long this double-barrelled speech might have continued, this -chronicle cannot say, had not the duck at this moment declared, in very -plain English, that "Oh thunder! he couldn't stand it any longer, he was -getting tired," which terminated _that_ part of the entertainment. - -[Illustration] - -[Illustration] - -The latent principle, the motive power, the core, the occult substratum -of the duck is, of course, as in the case of the _vulgaris pueris_--a -small boy. The mode of transforming him into a duck needs scarcely any -explanation; the illustrations save all that trouble. A board tied on -the youth's back, a sufficiency of wadding in the way of rags, and a -sheet properly arranged over all; then a ball of rags, with a couple of -sticks for the bill, making the head, and a newspaper cut into strips -representing the tail, and web-feet cut out of brown paper--and there is -your duck! The next thing in order for the evening's entertainment -proved to be a little dwarf, who was exhibited on a table. He made a -speech, danced a jig, took snuff, and altogether made himself very -amusing and entertaining. The mode of manufacturing this _lusus naturae_ -is, as usual, with the substratum of small boy. The small boy paints a -pair of moustaches on his upper lip and puts a pair of boots on his -hands, resting his booted hands on a table, whilst a taller person -stands behind him and reaches his arms over the first one's shoulders, -as represented in the engraving; then a loose cloak or great-coat or -shawl is arranged about the dwarf so as to allow the arms of No. 2 to -project and appear as if they belonged to No. 1. This performance should -take place in a window or doorway, where a curtain can be so arranged as -to hide the head and body of No. 2. Then you have the dwarf all -complete, as represented in the annexed sketch. It is almost impossible -to describe this performance with precision, as much of the arrangement -must be left to the intelligence of the exhibitor. The dwarf, however, -we may state, is very easily made when you once get the idea. - -[Illustration] - -Aunty Delluvian was very much amused with the dwarf; it reminded her of -a trick that was played on her mother's father--who was once Governor of -Massachusetts--and described by her uncle George, who was such a droll -fellow, _he always had some of his puns to get off_. She did not -remember the story exactly, but it was something about a dwarf being -served up in a pie at the Governor's table, in such a way that the dwarf -popped out when the Governor was about to carve the pie. "Oh! it was -such a funny story; if you could only have heard her uncle George tell -it," and Aunty Delluvian went into silent convulsions of laughter at the -bare memory of the exquisite humor of uncle George's narration. "But -that was before your time, my dear; and between you and me, the young -men are very dull nowadays, with their cigars, and their moustaches, and -their fiddle-faddle--but mum, mum, my dear," and Aunty Delluvian laid -her fingers on her lips, as though she had been communicating a most -important secret. As to the dwarf of this evening, having no control -over his hands, for the reason that they belonged to the person behind -him, he was subject to the most grievous annoyance from those members; -they would persist in pulling his own nose to a fearful extent, and -performing that manual evolution known as taking a sight in the middle -of his prettiest speech to the ladies; he, however, enjoyed a limited -revenge on one of these occasions by catching the extended thumb between -his teeth and doing something to it, the nature of which could only be -inferred from the howl of agony proceeding from the person immediately -behind him, and a general dislocation and disintegration of his various -members, which occurred amidst the shouts of the spectators. - -A slight pause ensuing on the completion of the dwarf performance, -afforded an opportunity to the young man in gold spectacles to come upon -the stage. He had something very ingenious to show us. It was a trick -performed with four small seeds, and was invented by a certain poor -tutor at one of the English universities. Although exceedingly simple, -no one had been able to discover the secret, when finally some English -nobleman, whose name he mentioned, gave the poor tutor five hundred -pounds to reveal the mystery. Having concluded this little introduction, -the gentleman in gold spectacles turned to Aunty Delluvian, and asked -her if she would be kind enough to let him have four grains of rice. -"Lor' bless the man! to be sure I will, as much as ever you like!" -exclaimed Aunty, in the fulness of her generous heart, as she turned -round and called to the servant at the other end of the room: "Here, -Katy, fetch up what was left of that cold rice-pudding we had -yesterday." The gentleman in gold spectacles hastily explained that he -did not wish the rice to be boiled, and four grains would be ample. -However, Aunty Delluvian insisted upon all the rice in the establishment -being produced. The gentleman in gold spectacles selected four grains, -and throwing them on the table, challenged us to arrange them in such a -manner that _each grain should be precisely the same distance from -every other grain_, and yet the grains not touch each other. We all took -our turn till we were tired, and then gave it up, save a couple of -determined fellows, who requested they might have till their next -meeting to find it out, which respite was accordingly granted. - -We were now tumultuously beset with demands for the solution of two -riddles in our last chapter. First came the question: "Why were Moses -and the Jews the best bred people in the world?" - -Answer. "Because they got their manna (manner) from heaven." - -The second was: "Why meat should always be cooked rare?" - -Answer. "Because what is _done_ cannot be _helped_." - -After this came cakes and nuts and cider. Aunty Delluvian thought nuts -and cider could never come amiss, and we agree with her when the cider -is such as she produced, clear, fruity, sparkling, which, as it courses -down your gullet, seems like health incarnate, and as far superior to -that bedevilled liquid which city boobies call champagne, and pay three -dollars a bottle for, as faith is to smartness. So ended our evening at -Aunty Delluvian's. - - - - -CHAPTER VIII. - - -The Highlanders are a hardy race, inhabiting the north of Scotland. They -are brave, hospitable, and exceedingly fond of dancing. - -When you reflect that a very moderate nigger _used_ to fetch one -thousand dollars, it will be exhilarating to know that you can have a -Highlander, with all his natural characteristics, for nothing. Yet such -is our proposition to you on the present occasion. - -Will you have him for nothing? - -We assume, of course, that you have at least one hand. A foot will not -answer. - -You have a hand? - -Well! - -Get an old glove and cut off the thumb and fingers to about the extent -represented in the annexed diagram. - -Place the glove on your hand, and then hold your hand in the position -represented below. You will now have a general idea of what is to -constitute the substratum of the Highlander. - -[Illustration] - -[Illustration] - -Now make a pair of little socks to fit your first and second fingers. -Here is a picture of the style in which they should be gotten up. These -socks can be made of white linen or calico, and painted with -water-colors of the desired pattern--the shoes black and the socks -plaid. If the colors are mixed with very little water they will not run -on the cloth. We suggest water-colors because the plaid can be very -neatly represented by cross lines of red and green. If, however, you -have no water-colors, you can stitch the stockings across with red and -green thread. It will be well to bear in mind that as your second finger -is longer than the first, the stocking for the first must be stuffed out -with cotton or wool to make it equal in length to the second. - -[Illustration: THE HIGHLANDER TRICK.--_See page 101._] - -[Illustration] - -Now make a careful copy of our full-page picture opposite; stitch it on -to the back of the glove; put the socks on your fingers, and your -Highlander is ready to dance, as represented in the above cut. - -You move about the fingers, simulating a man dancing the Highland-fling -or double-shuffle, and the result will be very curious and eminently -satisfactory. - -[Illustration] - -Another variation of the same performance can be made, which will save -the trouble of drawing a Highlander. It is done thus: You procure a kid -glove, and cut it down as before. You will see by the subjoined cut how -the hand looks with the glove on before it has been fixed up. A white -kid glove is best, because on the white kid you can paint almost the -entire dress with water-colors--blue vest, red sash, and black -pantaloons. A little piece of some gay rag must, however, be stitched on -each side to represent the jacket; the chief object of the jacket being -to hide the knuckles of the third and fourth fingers. - -[Illustration] - -Now, having fixed your glove and put it on, paint on your hand a face in -the style of the following sketch, and your dancing Spaniard, or -Terpsichorean Matadore, is ready for action. The glove forms a complete -suit (barring the boots), which you can slip off and on with the -greatest ease at pleasure. - -If you have not a white kid glove wherewith to make the dress of the -above-mentioned gentleman, you will have to sew a small piece of calico -or paper in the proper place, for the shirt. You will also be obliged -to make him a vest out of some little scrap of red or blue silk; in -short, you must use your needle instead of your paint-brush. But this is -plain enough and needs no further explanation. - -[Illustration] - -There is one more item, however, which we must mention. It will be found -rather difficult to paint moustaches on the hand so as to give them the -right merry expression. The teeth, which lend so much life to the face, -are troublesomely small to represent. We therefore think it best to draw -a pair of moustaches exactly similar to the ones we subjoin, which can -be made to stick in their place by the aid of a little diaclon or -shoemaker's wax. - - - - -CHAPTER IX. - - -The scientific gentleman at our last meeting bewildered us all with four -grains of rice. It will be remembered that he challenged us to arrange -those four seeds in such a manner that each should be an equal distance -from each, and yet not touch each other. Did we belong to the betting -class, we would be willing to wager a moderately-sized cobble-stone that -not one of our readers has yet solved the problem. It is explained thus: -You lay three of the seeds on the table in the form of an equilateral -triangle; then taking the fourth seed between the finger and thumb, you -hold it above the other three, in the position represented in diagram on -page 106. In this way, and this alone, can the objects be so arranged as -to be each equidistant from each. It is a very simple matter when once -explained, but we never yet knew any one to find it out. - -[Illustration] - -Our friend Nix is in very fervid condition concerning a new picturesque -trick he has learned. It is an old affair, but very funny, and consists -in making an old woman's face with your fist, and is done as follows: -You double your fist, as represented in the above diagram, and draw on -it a face as also represented. - -[Illustration] - -Then you make a species of hood something like a mitten, with a hole in -the side, around which hole you sew a frill, to make it look like a cap, -which we also illustrate with a diagram. The mitten is placed on the -hand, and a shawl pinned carefully round it, as shown in our diagram on -page 108, and you have the old woman complete. - -[Illustration] - -Now, in order to make the old woman appear to speak, you must move the -knuckle of the thumb up and down, at the same time simulate a cracked, -squeaky old voice. By moving your thumb in time to your voice, the -illusion becomes perfect. You can, of course, make the old woman say -whatever you please; but the more emphatic the style of her -conversation the better, as you can make the jaw more energetic, and the -pauses more marked. The conversation might commence something in this -style (you in your natural tone of voice): "Well, aunty, how are _you_ -to-day?" - -[Illustration] - -Aunty Grummidge: "How am I? Ah! Hum! I'm well enough if it warn't for -them plaguey boys! Drat the boys! Heavin' stones at my geese! I'll geese -them, if I ketch 'em! Drat 'em! and tramplin' all over my string-beans! -Drat 'em! I'll string-bean 'em, if I ketch hold of 'em! And then the -pesky young warmints callin' me old Dot-and-go-one! I'll old -Dot-and-go-one them, if I ketch hold of 'em." - -It will require a little practice to keep time between the thumb and the -voice; but by making the phrases short and emphatic, it will be soon -learned. When the old woman has done talking, you can stick a pipe in -her mouth, and make her look quite comfortable. - - - - -CHAPTER X. - - -"_In those days there were giants._" Those days were the days when our -mother was a young lady, and, as we devoutly believe, the most beautiful -woman of her period; when our father's side-whiskers were glossy black; -when he wore his hat just a _leetle_ bit on one side, and when they -twain used now and then to go forth magnificently arrayed after the -lamps were lit, to balls and parties, whilst we little ones sat up in -our white beds to receive the parting kiss and injunction flavored with -blessings and _eau de cologne_. In those days, we repeat, there were -giants. Giants in our story-books, giants in our young imaginations, -mere suckers from the parent stem of the story-books, but terrible in -their proportions. There were giants, too, in our narrow path, springing -out of our waywardness and evil passions, and the evil passions of -others; there were giants, too, on the road to knowledge; oh, such -monstrous giants all of them, far bigger and fiercer than any we ever -met in after life. But there was another giant of a far different sort, -who used to make his appearance at our little parties about -Christmas-time, and in sustaining whose character we have over and over -again sweltered and staggered and suffered martyrdom the most terrible. -Still he was a pleasant giant (particularly to the upper-story boy), and -welcome to the whole company. He had a very youthful look, in spite of -his ferocious moustache; his hat had a tendency to drop over his eyes -and his gait was erratic; though his proportions inspired awe in the -hearts of the tiny portion of the audience. We have but rarely met this -gentleman in later days, partially, we fancy, from a difficulty in -procuring legs; we have observed a growing disinclination in persons to -perform these members; indeed, we have ourself shrunk several times from -the task. It is, indeed, an ordeal rather severe, after partaking -heartily of Christmas dinner, and, perhaps, generously of wine, to walk -about a hot room with a warm boy on your shoulders, and your entire -person--head, face, and all--enveloped in a heavy cloak or overcoat, and -not a breath of fresh air to be taken under penalty of _spoiling the -giant_. - -A small and cool boy is placed on the shoulders of a man or boy who is -stout in the legs; a long military cloak or overcoat is thrown over the -two, and the monster is made. You can embelish him with moustaches, a -hat, and a long walking-cane, and then you will have the creature -complete, as represented in the picture opposite. - -[Illustration: HOW TO MAKE A GIANT.--_See page 112._] - - - - -CHAPTER XI. - - -[Illustration] - -Folly is better than physic. If no one ever made this aphorism before, -we at once lay claim to and include it in our copyright; entered -according to act of Congress in the clerk's office, and all the rest of -it. A good old-fashioned time we had of it last Christmas evening at the -house of our friend Nix. What a happy, merry, jolly crowd of noodles, -ninnies, judies, tomfools, and undignified people we were to be sure! -Nix gave himself unheard-of moustaches and eyebrows with India-ink, and -then washed himself into the likeness of a boss chimney-sweep, in which -condition he remained the whole evening, and came to business the next -day with a faint tinge of the dusty pigment under his left ear, although -he averred that he had parboiled himself over night with scalding soap -and water in honest efforts to remove the oriental stain. - -At this distance of time it would be hard to recall who were the guests -at this tomfool's festival, even had we ever known them all; but a -fluttering of little faces and pink sashes, and very bunchy frocks -suggestive of new crinoline--indeed, now we think of it, one _wee_ thing -told us emphatically she had on a "noo hoop-stirt," and raised her short -red frock to show us the inestimable treasure; and that again reminds us -of another toddler, of the masculine persuasion, who thrice called our -attention to his new boots, and once requested us to feel the soles -where his mother had scratched them with her scissors to prevent his -slipping on the carpets. But, as we were saying, a certain confused -picture of fluttering pink sashes, bunchy crinoline, blue eyes, and -flushed cheeks, is one of the _chefs-d'oeuvre_ in the private gallery -of our memory, and was nearly all we carried away from that foolish -Christmas carnival. We remember, though, Aunty Delluvian, in all the -pomp, pride, and circumstance of a dress which might have been described -by some fashionable _modiste_ of fifty years ago, but before which the -steel nibs of a modern pen grow parched and gape inkless in their course -over the _cream laid_. We can state that it was of silk, and very thick, -and rustled, and had an odor, not of myrrh--for that we have purchased -at the drug stores as being good for the gums--though perhaps of -frankincense, but certainly of some Eastern perfume; and there our -descriptive capacity ends. Concerning certain gems and trinkets, also -worn by that worthy lady, we are equally humble and bewildered; but if -our memory serves us rightly, they were chiefly of pale and yellow -stones surrounded by pearls, and of oval and slender forms, save one -sombre brooch (she wore in the neck of her dress under a bow of ribbon), -which has hair in it, and was shown us as a rare piece of workmanship -and a great relic; indeed, Aunty Delluvian informed us, very -confidentially, that a person by the name of Sally Mason would have -given her ears to possess it once--from which we judged it to be of -great value. - -The scientific gentleman was there; and others "too numerous to -mention," as the advertisements say. One of the company, whom we had -never met before, left a particular impression on our mind, partly -because he came from a far-off land, with a large budget of strange -knowledge and exotic ideas, and partly because he showed us a quite -curious and simple little toy. Among other things he expatiated on the -dexterity of the Australasian savages in the use of the boomerang, which -they would throw in such a way as to make it skim entirely around a -house and return to their feet. He told us that one of these savages -would seize his boomerang and send it whirling into a flock of parrots, -bringing down half a dozen of the birds, and then return to his feet. He -added that parrot-pie was excellent eating; a statement which sent a -thrill of indignation through the juvenile portion of the company. The -idea of cooking birds that say "Pretty Poll!" While the young were -indignant, many of the elders felt incredulous, touching the boomerang; -one person, indeed, delicately hinting that "throwing the boomerang" -must be the Australasian equivalent of our expression "pulling the long -bow;" but Aunty Delluvian, who had just heard the latter part of the -discourse, came gallantly to the rescue (she had taken rather a _notion_ -to the young Australian). She assured the company that there could be -no doubt of the existence of the boomerang, for an uncle of hers had on -a certain occasion brought one from China, and that it grew so tame that -it would come and feed out of your hand. This statement, as may be -supposed, produced a profound sensation, which good breeding alone -prevented from being an explosion. Several persons present tried to hush -the matter up by suggesting that the good lady probably confounded the -instrument in question with a baboon or orang-outang. But Aunty -Delluvian would listen to nothing of the kind; _no compromises for her_. -"Bless the child, she had seen it with her own eyes, and it went all -round the house and came back to her feet, and caught the pigeon, and -killed the parrot, just as the gentleman described." However, the young -antipodean asserted his own veracity very effectively by offering to -manufacture a model of the weapon then and there. - -"If you will only provide me," he said, "with a good stiff card--an old -playing-card will do as well as anything--I will soon satisfy you that -what I described _can_ be done." - -The card was produced, and in a couple of minutes he had with a pair of -scissors clipped out a piece of the size and shape of the subjoined -diagram. He then borrowed a book and a lead pencil, and placed the -miniature boomerang on the former, with one end projecting over the edge -of the book about an inch. He then took the book in his left hand, and -holding it at a slight angle as represented in the diagram, page 119, -struck the projecting end a smart blow with the pencil. This sent it -whirling through the air towards the opposite corner of the ceiling, -which it nearly though not quite reached--then it came fluttering back -to the very feet of the performer. This operation was repeated several -times with almost universal applause, the only dissentient voice being -that of a little shaver of five, who wanted to see the parrots come -down. - -[Illustration] - -About this time it became evident that some mysterious preparations -were being made outside. A good deal of whispering occurred, and Nix, -with one or two others, disappeared from the apartment. We, in the -meantime, amused ourselves with sundry time-honored experiments. First -came an optical illusion-trick, the fun of which consisted in the futile -efforts of several persons to knock a cork off a fork with the -fore-finger; and is performed thus: A steel fork, or some other sharp -instrument, is stuck in the door, and a cork placed on the end of it. - -[Illustration] - -[Illustration] - -The person wishing to test his skill places himself in front of it; -fixing his eyes on the cork, he then walks slowly backwards ten or -twelve feet, his eyes still fixed on the cork; having done which, he -extends his right hand, closes an eye, and advances towards the cork, -till he thinks he has reached near enough to knock the cork from its -position with one blow of the finger. Nine times out of ten the -performers fail, as they did on the occasion in question. This -experiment seemed to afford a good excuse to a certain little witch, -with black eyes, to propose the performance of pinning a thimbleful of -water to the wall. The thimble was filled with water, a pin borrowed, -and mademoiselle, escorted by her cavalier--a young gentleman in -patent-leather boots, and breathing incense from every curl of his hair, -and from every part of his dress, to a degree calculated to drive Phalon -mad and ruin the reputation of Arabia. Escorted by this exquisite -being, the young lady repaired to the spot selected for the experiment; -but, alas! just as she was about to fix the thimble to the wall the pin -dropped to the floor. In an instant the perfumed gallant was on his -knees searching for the lost article, and with equal promptitude the -treacherous belle had emptied the water on his fragrant pate, amid the -roars of laughter of those around--for in this consisted the trick. - -While we were still laughing the door opened, and Nix entered, somewhat -flushed, and with a comical frown on his brow. - -"Ladies and gentlemen," he began, "I have a serious complaint to -make--really it is too bad. Upon my life it is. I think Miss Mary Fenn -and Miss Julia Farley, and several of the other young ladies, ought to -be spoken to" (the ladies mentioned and several others here colored up -and looked rather scared). "I think they ought to be very seriously -spoken to, going round in this reckless way. Why, upon my life, there's -no knowing what may happen--and they don't care one bit. They care no -more for a fellow-creature than I do for a fly. Ah! (with a sigh) there -is one feller-creature which I wish they would think a little more of. -In common honesty they ought to do something to their eyes--wear -spectacles, or something of that sort; and for their lips, since nature -has seen fit not to provide them with moustaches, they might use -respirators or--or--or--well, something has to be done, or there won't -be a sane man in the neighborhood. I myself have a severe pain in my -left side; and here, when I go outside--I don't mean the left side, but -outside the room--for a little temporary relief, I find a poor fellow -maimed, probably for life--his head completely turned." - -At this point a figure resembling the opposite sketch walks in, and -declares that he would not have his head turned back for the world; on -the contrary, he finds his present position far more comfortable than -any other, etc., etc., etc. - -[Illustration] - -The construction of this figure is so simple that it seems almost -superfluous to explain it. The person performing it puts on a loose coat -and vest, wrong side foremost, fastens a false face to the back of his -head, and a wig over his face, and the whole is complete. The wig may be -made of curled hair from an old mattress, sewed on to a black silk cap. -By the way, while we are on the subject, we may as well say a word or -two more concerning this curled hair, which will be found very useful -for amateur theatricals. With a handful of this cheap material (the -imitation or grass substitute will answer just as well), you can make -beards, whiskers, and moustaches of any desired shape. All that is -required is to twist, stretch, or mould the tangled mass into the -desired shape, and then, in the proper place, stick on a small piece of -diachylon, and the appendage is ready for use. The diachylon can be -purchased in lump form of any druggist. In order to adhere it to the -face, it should be slightly warmed before the fire. - -"Why, bless my soul alive, if the poor fellow's head isn't turned!" -exclaimed Aunty Delluvian, in unfeigned surprise. "Well, some foolish -fellows do get their heads turned by the girls," and the good old lady -laughed heartily, honestly believing she had made a joke. Indeed, she -patted us on the knee to draw our attention, as she added, in an -explanatory way: - -"You know, when I was a girl, and any young fellow fell in love with one -of the girls, we used to say his head was turned; so I say that young -man's head is turned--don't you see!" and again the old lady went off in -a transport of merriment at her own wit. But in a moment it was over, -and when we turned there was something glistening in her eye, as she -looked dreamily before her out of that Christmas-day away off, -doubtless, to some other Christmas-day when young men had their heads -turned by designing young women. But there was no time for reverie; for -Nix, who had assumed the position of showman, now made himself heard, -bellowing through his nose: - -"Now, ladies and gentleman, I will proceed to show you a highly moral -exhibition, some of the four-footed works of nature, or, as they are -commonly called, quadrupedals. This exhibition, by calling the mind to -contemplate the works of nature, elevates the soul to things above, and -makes us all better fathers, husbands, wives, sweethearts, sons, and -girls to do general housework. Now, ladies and gentlemen, I would ask -you who, after contemplating the rhinoceros, would fail to return home a -more dutiful parent or respectful sweetheart? But, to step from the -realms of fancy to the practical regions of fact, I will proceed to -interdooce to you that splendid anumile Saladin, the royal Bengal tiger, -from Botteny Bay, in the West Injees. This wonderful creature measures -sixteen feet from the tip of the tail to the tip of the snout, and -sixteen feet from the tip of the snout to the tip of the tail, making in -all thirty-two feet." - -[Illustration] - -At this point of his oration the showman paused, opened the door, and -gave a loud whistle, when in scampered a creature more easily sketched -than described. At first we did not recognise the stub-tailed -bull-terrier Snap, so completely was he disguised and bestriped with -black paint, more to resemble a zebra, however, than a tiger. Snap, all -unconscious of his new character, began frisking and capering round, -wagging his tail _vociferously_, as Nix expressed it. - -"This beautiful but terrible creature," continued Nix, "is exquisitely -marked by nature. His, however, are not good-conduct marks, for, in his -native wilds, his behavior is anything but proper. He will devour -anything that comes in his way, having been known, when pressed by -hunger, to eat even an alderman. Such being the nature of the beast, I -will now proceed to show you a more amiable specimen of this moral -exhibition. This, ladies and gentlemen, is the largest of all animals. -It belongs to Asia and Africa. We have no elephants, naturally, in -America, any more than we have Irishmen. They are all imported at great -expense, two ships being required to bring over each creature, one for -himself, and one for his trunk, I believe." - -Enter elephant (adjoining page). - -"The elephant lives chiefly on ginger-snaps, sugar, rice, and cayenne -pepper, which, at the present price of groceries, makes his board come -rather heavy. You have all heard of the sagacity of the elephant--how -he squirted the dirty water over that injudicious tailor who ran his -needle into the elephant's trunk. But, ladies and gentlemen, I was -witness to a more singular instance of intelligence on the part of this -elephant here, which is, perhaps, the largest of its kind ever imported -to this country. While passing through the streets of one of our inland -towns during the late election, this very anumile seized a slip of paper -from one of the crowd, rushed up to the polls, and actually voted the -Union ticket before we knew what he was about." - -[Illustration: HOW TO MAKE AN ELEPHANT. _See page 126._] - -In this strain Nix continued for some time, while the elephant walked -round the room. Little boys were mounted on his back for a ride, and -enjoyed the fun hugely. - -The scientific gentleman with gold spectacles threw a temporary damper -on the merriment by asking, in a sombre voice, whether we knew how many -times round the elephant's foot was equal to his height, and then -equally solemnly informing us that it was "Twice." Having said "twice!" -very emphatically, he became silent, and the fun went on. - -Now comes the question--How was the elephant made? A glance at the -annexed picture will throw considerable light on the subject at once. - -Here we have the usual human substratum. Two gentlemen, wearing rubbers, -place themselves in the position represented, while the foremost one -holds something in his hands. This is a grey shawl or table-cover, -rolled up to represent the elephant's trunk, which the performer swings -about to produce a life-like effect. All that now remains to be done is -to procure another grey shawl and spread it over the united operators, -fastening two pieces of round paper, with black dots on them, in the -proper places, for eyes, and a couple of rags or old gloves for ears. -The elephant is now complete, save the tusks. These can be made out of -long pieces of twisted white paper, pinned to the inside of the shawl, -and there you have a first-rate elephant for a small tea-party. Dish, -and serve up with lots of _sass_, as the cookery books say. But let us -listen to Nix; he is spouting some more nonsense: - -"Ladies and gentlemen: This elephant was captured and imported into this -country by a Bengal officer, Colonel Gurramuchy, whom I shall have much -pleasure in introducing to you. You have all heard of Cumming--well, he -is coming." - -[Illustration] - -[Illustration] - -Here entered the most extraordinary being we had ever beheld; a very -military-looking person, with a very small head and an exceedingly long -neck. However, refer to the illustration, where you see him faithfully -portrayed. Following him was an equally singular person, who was -presented to us as Captain Dawk, a particular friend of the Colonel's, -whose portrait we likewise subjoin. These gentlemen chatted with Nix, -and told us one or two of their hunting adventures--the most extravagant -yarns. We have only space for one, which we shall condense as much as -possible. Captain Dawk once, while hunting the wild boar in India, had -the misfortune to have his horse ripped open by the tusks of the -infuriated beast. His horse of course fell heavily, and died almost -immediately. While he was standing at the side of the poor creature, -deploring his loss, and wondering how he should ever reach home, he -beheld at some distance from him, on the open plain, a huge tiger -approaching. There was no tree within miles; to run away would have been -useless; he at once bethought himself of an idea. Seizing his -hunting-knife, he rapidly removed the internals of the horse, and crept -into the cavity himself. The tiger, on coming up, seized the horse by -the neck, and dragged it several miles to its den in the jungle, where -it commenced at once to feast upon the carcass. Watching a favorable -opportunity, when the tiger had eaten a hole in the horse's side, -Captain Dawk drew a small revolver from his pocket, and shot the animal -dead. He was just in the act of crawling from his place of concealment -when he beheld five more tigers approaching. Four of these he shot one -after the other from inside the horse, and then all his ammunition was -exhausted, and one tiger was left alive; but, drawing his knife, he -resolved to sell his life dearly. Here the Captain gave us a most -harrowing account of his encounter with the last tiger, which was larger -than any of the others. First it broke both his legs, then his arms, -then his back, and finally the ferocious beast got the officer's head -into its mouth--but to conclude in his own words: "I felt the hot breath -in my face, the sharp teeth pressing both sides of my skull. In another -instant I felt all would be over, and my worst fears were realized. With -one gripe the wretched brute bit off my head, and then tearing me limb -from limb, devoured me on the spot." This story was pronounced a -stunner. - -But how were these extraordinary faces produced? First, we will refer -our readers to the diagram, which will explain a good deal, and then -throw what light we can on the subject with words. - -The face of the Colonel was made by painting an entire set of features -on the forehead with India-ink. The white of the eyes in both cases was -effected by wetting the finger and rubbing it on an enamelled -visiting-card; by this means you take a good deal of the white from the -card which can be transferred to the proper place on the forehead. In -the case of the Colonel, if the performer moves his eyebrows up and down -as he is speaking, it will communicate a motion to the pointed -moustaches, and a most comical expression to the entire face. - -[Illustration] - -To make the second face, you must, if possible, get some one with very -light eyebrows and no moustaches; then paint eyes and eyebrows on the -forehead, which must be done artistically, shadows and all, and connect -them, as represented, with the bridge of the nose, paint heavy black -moustaches, and your performer will have the appearance of possessing -an immensely long face; he must, however, keep his eyes shut, or the -illusion will be dispelled. - -After this performance, the scene, as painted on our memory, resolves -itself into blue eyes, pink ribbons, bunchy skirts, oranges, candies, -lemonades, wax-lights, Christmas-trees, Aunty Delluvian, and endless -smiling faces. - -May all good people have as foolish, merry a Christmas as we had at -Aunty Delluvian's! - - - - -CHAPTER XII. - - -Hanky-panky is the name of a certain art practised by pantomimists of -the clown and harlequin school, and is the subject of no little study -and practice. We do not think it within our power to define hanky-panky, -composed as it is of fictitious whackings and kickings and smackings, -unless, indeed, that be a definition. We can, however, give a couple of -illustrations of the art as it may be practised in the family circle. We -may look further into the matter at some future day, and possibly issue -a volume of Parlor hanky-panky, beautifully illustrated by the author. - -The first example we shall now give is how to knock your knuckles on the -edge of a marble mantel-piece or other hard substance without hurting -them. It is done thus: You raise your clenched fist high in the air, -hold it poised there some seconds for all the audience to see, and then -bring it swiftly down; but just before your hand reaches the object, -open your fingers quickly, so they will strike the object with a sharp -slap, then close them quickly; if this is neatly done, it will appear as -if you had struck your knuckles a violent blow. This will make the -ladies scream, and every one else thrill of horror. - -[Illustration] - -The second feat of hanky-panky consists in knocking your head against -the edge of a door with such apparent force as to break your skull, -provided it be anything under an inch thick. - -This you do by holding your hand which is farthest from the audience on -a level with your face, as represented in the annexed picture. At the -moment your forehead touches the edge you must give the side of the door -a good smart bang with the palm of your hand. To the audience on the -other side of the door, who do not see this motion of the hand, you -appear to have given your poor head a terrific blow. - -[Illustration] - -Another piece of hanky-panky frequently practised on the stage requires -two performers. No. 1 aims a blow at the head of No. 2; No. 2, just as -the blow reaches him, raises both hands as though to guard the blow, -managing, however, as he does so to slap them smartly together so as to -produce a loud report. If the blow and the report occur simultaneously, -No. 1 will appear to have given No. 2 a most vicious box on the ear. - -This is all we have to say about hanky-panky. - - - - -CHAPTER XIII. - - -Being in a tranquil mood the other evening, and indisposed for the -rollicking fun and tomfoolery in which, we are glad to say, we have so -often indulged, we called upon our friend Nix to pass a quiet hour or -two. When we had explained the object of our visit, Nix replied that it -was well, for although he could not entertain us himself in the -character of host, he could introduce us to a family to whom he happened -to be engaged himself that evening. - -"They are," said he, "the most charming people in the world--all ladies, -excepting a little pickle of a boy, a child after your own heart, by the -way; not one of your impulsive, high-spirited humbugs, who does all -sorts of vicious things for twelve hours, and is sorry for them for five -minutes; not one of your easy penitents, who is never ashamed of owning -himself in the wrong, and at the same time never too proud to do wrong; -but a stubborn, sensitive, ingenuous, affectionate, fun-loving little -fellow. Do you know I like people who, when they are mad, get sulky? I -have found they make the best of friends, the best servants, and the -best members of society generally. I wonder who started the admiration -of _impulsive_ people? 'Oh!' you hear a young lady say, who never really -gave the subject five minutes' thought in her life, and is quite -unconscious that she is repeating a hackneyed sentiment which has been -knocking about the world for the last fifty years; 'oh!' you hear her -say, 'I like quick-tempered people, who get into a passion and are over -it in a minute.' Then you hear some one else: 'Oh, yes, he does wrong, -but he is full of fine impulses!' For my part, I think these impulsive -folks are the greatest humbugs in the world. In the first place, there -is scarcely any villany which cannot be perpetrated in a moment, if you -have only the necessary impulse; but then, to look into the origin of -this impulsiveness, it arises altogether from a lack of self-control, a -violent, self-indulgent spirit. Then, as to ready repentance and -confession, that, to my mind, is the worst sign man, woman, or child can -show; it simply shows they do not fully appreciate the seriousness of -their offence, or are so devoid of pride that they do not care in what -estimation they are held by others; or, as is often the case, it is a -cheap way of squaring accounts and starting afresh, perhaps on better -terms than before, with people who like _impulsive_ characters. Bah! -Confession and repentance ought to come out of a man with tears of -blood, and----" - -"But about the ladies?" we broke in. "Your dissertation on character is -very good, but I think you made use of the adjective charming in -connection with the noun ladies." - -"Oh, yes," answered Nix, suddenly changing his manner, for he had grown -quite fierce and enthusiastic in his tirade against impulsive persons. -"The ladies--'that man who would lay his hand on a lady in aught save -kindness, is unworthy the name of a British officer and a gentleman.' - - "'A wife, a dog, and a walnut-tree, - The more you lick 'em, the better they be.' - -"Arguments _pro_ and _con_. But you said something about the ladies. -Well, this family comprises a widow, three daughters, and little pickle -aforementioned. These ladies, I may tell you, are not only ladies, but -gentlewomen--a very, very rare article, I can assure you." - -"True," we responded; "painfully true." - -"These ladies have found out--no, there I am wrong; they never gave the -subject a thought. But they are illustrations of the fact, though they -are ignorant of it, for their good-breeding came to them partly by -nature and partly by careful, motherly, Christian training. They are -illustrations of the fact, that to be gentlewomen it is necessary to be -gentle women." - -"Women do not appear to be generally aware of that fact," we chimed in. - -"These ladies, although full of intelligence and _esprit_, besides being -highly educated and accomplished, could not, I believe, give a smart -retort to--to--to save their eyes; and when you see their eyes you will -be able to judge of the value of the stake. If any one were to make a -rude or impertinent speech to them they would not understand him. As -they never wound the feelings of others, they cannot imagine any one -else doing so." - -"But," said we, "there are certain forms of words which no one could -possibly mistake--not even the simplest of human beings." - -"Oh, of course, I don't refer to such cases as those! Under such -circumstances, my friends would feel deeply grieved, and even rebuke the -offender. But as to making one of those sharp retorts in which -underbred young women so greatly delight, why, they could no more do it -than fly!" - -Fortunately, at this point in Nix's harangue, we reached the door of the -ladies under discussion; for be it understood that most of our -conversation had occurred on our way thither. - -We doubt whether it is a good plan to praise one's friends too highly -before an introduction; it is calculated to produce a reaction. At -least, we felt just the least shade of disappointment on being ushered -into the presence of the subject of our companion's eulogy. Four -plainly-dressed, oval-faced, soft-eyed ladies, seated round a large -centre-table, on which were strewn water-colors, albums, scissors, and -scraps of paper. - -"Mr. Nix has told us all so much about you," said the eldest, "that I -feel as though we were old friends. My daughters are now enthusiastic on -the subject of transparencies, and I've no doubt your ingenuity will -enable them to solve many knotty points beyond their amateur capacity." - -We soon found, however, that we were the one to learn, for the work on -which the white fingers were engaged was something entirely new to us. -There were beautiful transparencies, mostly representing landscapes, and -cut out of writing-paper. We immediately became a devoted student of the -art of transparent picture-making, with a single eye, of course, to -the amusement of our readers. The soft, brown eyes, the taper fingers, -and the gentle manners, had nothings to do with our assiduity, upon -which we pledge our sacred honor, as a Calmuc Tartar. - -[Illustration: PAPER TRANSPARENCIES.--_See page 143._] - -We will now proceed to explain, if those white fingers do not get in the -way, how these pictures are produced; and first, according to our -custom, we refer the reader to the annexed diagram (No. 1)--a diagram is -a good basis to start upon. Before you look at the diagram, it would be -well to collect the necessary materials, which are as follows: - -Several sheets of writing-paper. - -One piece, say four inches square, of thick paper or card. - -A pair of small fine-pointed scissors. - -A sharp-pointed penknife. - -A small piece of charcoal. Burnt grape-vine or cedar makes the best. - -A piece of transparent tracing-paper. A black lead-pencil. - -Pen and ink. - -A thick pasteboard, or thin pine board, about the thickness of an -ordinary book-cover, and at least two inches longer and wider than the -picture you are about to make. A sheet of glass will answer as well, -perhaps better. - -A small quantity of thin, fine paste, free from lumps, made of flour and -water boiled. Mind that it is boiled and free from lumps. - -Now see the diagram No. 1. This is the picture you wish to produce in -the transparency. Take your tracing-paper, and with a pen and ink make -an outline of this picture, having done which, rub the charcoal over the -back of the tracing, then lay the tracing-paper on a sheet of -letter-paper, take your lead-pencil in your hand; now, every mark you -make on the tracing-paper with the pencil will leave a corresponding -charcoal mark on the paper beneath it. Bearing this in mind, you will -draw your pencil carefully round the outline of the moon, the window of -the old castle, and the bright light in the water. Now carefully remove -the tracing-paper, and you will find the forms of these objects faintly -marked in charcoal lines on the writing-paper. Now, with the fine point -(it must have a fine point) of your lead-pencil, travel over the -charcoal lines, so as to make them distinct and permanent. You do so -because the charcoal easily brushes off. You will then proceed to brush -off the charcoal with a soft rag as soon as you have made your pencil -outline. You will now, with the scissors or penknife, whichever is most -convenient for the purpose, cut out the parts you have traced--that is -to say, a round hole for the moon, a small square patch for the castle -window, and a few irregular slits for the water. Then you will have a -piece of paper like diagram No. 2 (page 152). - -There now, we think we managed to keep the white fingers out of that -pretty well, though it was pretty hard work, rest assured. So far so -good. Now you want to cut a piece of paper, which shall be your second -tint, to represent the clouds and water. To this end you again lay your -outline tracing on the white paper, and trace the shape of the clouds, -the castle window, and the lights on the water, which will give you a -form similar to that represented in diagram No. 3 (page 153). This you -will cut out as before. - -Now you wish for a tint to represent the distant mountains and the -reflection of the old castle; therefore, trace and cut out as before -directed a piece of paper corresponding with the outlines of these -forms, which piece will correspond exactly with diagram No. 4 (page -154). Now you will cut out a piece of paper to represent the nearer -mountains and the castle, which will correspond with diagram No. 5 (page -155). After which you will cut a piece to represent the castle alone; -and lastly, you cut out of your card the form of the fir-tree and old -railing in the foreground, and the chief part of your labor is done. - -Again we must congratulate ourself on keeping those little fingers out -of our description, though they have been playing about like white mice -among our ideas all the time. We only trust we have made the process -clear to our readers. - -We will now presume you wish to mount your transparency on a sheet of -glass. First take the piece of white paper corresponding with diagram -No. 2, and cover it with a thin coat of paste, being careful that it is -free from lumps, and lay it on the glass, pressing it evenly all over -with a soft handkerchief. Over this, in its proper place, paste No. 3, -over that No. 4, and so on, one over the other, till they are all on. -You can now hold it up to the light to see if the reflected lights in -the water are correct; if not, wait till the transparency is dry, and -brighten them up by cutting the necessary pieces out with the sharp -point of a penknife. All that needs doing now is to paste over all a -thin sheet of white paper. This need only be pasted round the edges just -enough to make it keep its place. To give the picture a finish, it -should either be put in a frame or have a border of gilt paper or other -untranslucent material pasted round it to conceal the ragged edges of -the picture. Now your picture is complete. Hold it once more up to the -light, and you will be surprised what a beautiful effect is produced. - -If the transparency be not to be mounted in glass, the process is as -follows: Cut a square hole, a trifle smaller than the picture, in the -board you have provided; cut a piece of white paper of the same shape as -the hole, only about one inch larger each way; moisten it slightly with -a wet rag, then put some paste all round the edges of the paper, and -paste it over the square hole in the board; keep the paper slightly -moistened till the paste has thoroughly dried; then you can allow the -paper to dry, when it will become smooth and tight like the head of a -drum. On this you can paste the transparency in the same way you did on -the glass. - -Our young lady friends had a number of wonderful things produced in this -way, into some of which they had introduced color with remarkable -effect. In the design we have given as an example, being one of the -simplest in their collection, the light in the castle window was red, -and threw long rays of red light across the rocks, with a red reflection -in the water. This was easily done with a little water-color (crimson -lake); but we refrained from introducing it into our description, for -fear of complicating the matter and puzzling the reader. However, when -you have made the one we have described, you will soon see a number of -other effects which can be produced--sunsets with a moving sun, -rain-storms, floating clouds; skies and water painted blue, and trees -green, etc., etc. - -Little Pickle did not take any active part in the transparency business, -though he looked on admiringly, occasionally throwing in a few words of -applause or advice, something in this style: - -"Oh! I say, Lucy, couldn't you put a cow in there; it would look -fust-rate. I can draw a cow, all but the feet, and you can hide them -behind the rocks, you know." - -Or: - -"Yes--ah--yes--that snow is pretty good, only that feller has only got -one runner to his sled!" - -It is strange that boys will always say _feller_ and _fust-rate_. - -Little Pickle was not, however, idle in his way. While we were studying -white fingers, brown eyes, and transparencies, he had cut out a sled, a -wheel-barrow, and manufactured a dancing-pea. The latter he made by -running a pin half way through a pea, one end of which he stuck into a -broken piece of tobacco-pipe. He then threw his head back till the -tobacco-pipe attained a perpendicular position, when he commenced -blowing, which made the pea dance in the air in the most amusing manner -for nearly a minute. The mode of arranging the pea, as well as of using -it, is illustrated in the accompanying sketch. - -[Illustration] - -He likewise horrified us all by suddenly appearing with a hideous double -row of protruding yellow teeth, which he coolly dropped into the palm of -his hand, when he thought our feelings had been sufficiently outraged. - -"They are only made of orange-peel," he explained. "You just cut a slit -there, and notch them along like that, and then put them into your -mouth." - -[Illustration] - -Now, in order to convey to your mind, dear reader, the method of -constructing this ornament, shall we tell you to cut an elliptical piece -of orange, and then make a longitudinal incision here, with transverse -incisions there, etc., etc.? No, we will not; we will fall back to our -old friend the diagram, and if you cannot make yourself a set of false -teeth after that, then remain in heathen darkness on all matters of -dentistry, as you deserve. Cut a piece of orange-peel in the shape -represented, and at the foot of the preceding diagram you will see how -they look when you put them on. - -[Illustration: Diagram No. 2.] - -[Illustration: Diagram No. 3.] - -[Illustration: Diagram No. 4.] - -[Illustration: Diagram No. 5.] - -[Illustration: Diagram No. 6.] - -[Illustration: Diagram No. 7.] - - - - -CHAPTER XIV. - - -A friend of ours, who is an ardent admirer of that great humorist of the -plains, Artemus Ward, has recently been edifying a large circle of -private friends with imitations of the celebrated showman. He has had a -wig and false nose made expressly for this entertainment, by the aid of -which adjuncts he succeeds in establishing quite a respectable -resemblance to the grand original, as may be seen by his portrait, which -we have taken the trouble to get engraved. - -Most of the jokes are those of Artemus repeated from memory. The more -sober ones, we fancy, are original. The lecture runs thus: - -"LADIES AND GENTLEMEN:--Having recently paid a visit to Salt Lake City, -the great Mormon capital, I think a short lecture on the subject may -prove instructive as well as amusing. Although I appear before you with -the cap and bells, I would have you understand that when I speak of -matters of fact I shall confine myself strictly to the truth. You may, -therefore, rely upon all I shall tell you concerning the Mormons as -being strictly true. - -[Illustration] - -"When on the dock preparatory to start on my voyage, I found myself -surrounded by a large concourse of people, who seemed perfectly willing -that I should go. 'Go along,' they said, 'old feller, and stay as long -as you please.' I would like you to take a good look at the noble vessel -in which I sailed (pointing to a crude delineation of a steamship), -because, if you ever go to California, travel by some other boat. - -"When we were fairly out at sea, I observed that many of the passengers -ran frequently to look over the side of the vessel--to see if there were -any dolphins alongside, I presume. One young couple sitting near me, -newly married and very haggard, talked earnestly together. I could not -avoid hearing a part of their conversation. - -"'Oh, Julia,' said the gentleman, 'you are very noble; you have thrown -up society, friends, everything for me.' - -"'Do not say a word, Alfred,' replied the young lady; 'you have thrown -up more than I have.' - -"It was very touching, for they certainly threw up a great deal between -them. - -"In San Francisco I delivered an oration. It was not, perhaps, equal to -Cicero's, but still I think--I don't know--but I think if old Cis had -heard it he would have been astonished. I delivered an oration to the -soldiers once. They were much delighted--very much delighted indeed--so -delighted, in fact, that they come dooced near shooting me. - -"The hotels on the road to Salt Lake City are, as a rule, inferior to -our leading ones in New York. At one of them they gave me a sack of oats -for a pillow. That night I had nightmares. I suppose they were attracted -by the oats. The next morning the landlord asked me how I was, _old -hoss_! I replied that I felt my oats! - -"After travelling several days, more or less, we reached Utah, and put -up at this hotel (here a rude picture is produced). It is a temperance -hotel. The only objection I have to temperance hotels is -that--that--they keep such dooced poor _licker_. In the front of the -hotel may be seen the coach in which we had been confined for the last -eight days. Those among my audience who have served a term in the State -prison will understand our feeling when we escaped from that vehicle. - -"Utah is a beautiful city, laid out in broad streets, with avenues of -fine trees. Brigham Young is the big injun of the place, next to whom -comes Heber Kimball. Brigham has the largest number of wives--two -hundred in all. He says his only hope now is to have his dying pillow -smoothed by the hands of his family. Under the circumstances, it strikes -me he'd have to go out of doors to die if he wishes to accomplish it. - -"The number of his children is unknown, though, if you multiply two -hundred wives by fifteen, you will get a rough estimate. We mentioned -this to Briggy, and he seemed to think it rather rough. Perhaps so. Brig -is very exact in his calculations; he knows to a ton of beef what is -consumed in his household daily. As an illustration of his exceeding -accuracy in little matters, we may mention a fact. On one occasion one -of his wives was missing. Five weeks had not elapsed before Brigham had -discovered the fact. Those of my audience who have mothers-in-law will -appreciate the advantage of two hundred wives. There must be a good deal -of mother-in-law to that number; an amount highly calculated to keep -things lively. Possibly Brigham is fond of excitement. - -"On one occasion Briggy took a fancy to a certain young lady, and -proposed for her hand. She replied that she could not accept his offer -unless he also married her elder sister. To this he readily -assented--went to her--the proposition was made--the sister said she -should be obliged to decline unless he married her mother also. After -some deliberation he proposed to the mother, but she refused unless he -would also propose to her old grandmother. Finally he married the whole -crowd. - -"Of course Brigham cannot attend personally to the amount of courting -necessary--that is to say, in our old-fashioned style. No, he has his -form of love done up in pamphlet form, which he sends to any lady to -whom he wishes to be united. This saves trouble. - -"Though the Mormons generally are a very steady people, they still have -loose fish among them. On one occasion a gay Mormon Lothario gained -access to a young ladies' seminary. In the morning it was found he had -eloped with the entire establishment. - -"I, even I did not escape without some difficulty. Just before my -departure, a worthy gentleman in the pickle business died, leaving -fourteen wives. They sent for me. When I called I found them all in -tears. - -"'Why is this thus?' I inquired. - -"'Art going?' inquired they. - -"'I ist,' I replied. - -"'Oh, why! oh, why goest thou?' - -"'Because when I gettest ready to doest a thing, I generally doest it,' -replied I. - -"'Wilt marry us?' said they. - -"'I rather think not,' I replied. - -"'Oh, this is too much!' cried they. - -"'That's where it is,' rejoined myself. 'It's precisely on account of -its being too much that I object to it.' - -"My lectures were very popular at Salt Lake, and always well attended. -On one occasion I incautiously gave a family ticket to a certain Elder. -That night my house was crowded to overflowing. It was entirely filled -with the Elder's family. There was not room for a single paying visitor -to come in. The next day they called to say they were very much pleased, -and gave me their photograph in a very pretty pocket-case, something -like a wallet. Subsequently it was taken out of my pocket by a young man -on Broadway, but I detected him in the act and seized him by the collar. -He at once acknowledged the deed, but said he did it in the name of the -Confederate government in retaliation for outrages committed by our -troops in the Shenandoah Valley." - -Here the lecture ended. It generally received nearly as much applause as -that of the great original, for my friend had studied Ward's peculiar -manner and quaint enunciation till he had got it to a nicety. - - - - -CHAPTER XV. - - -This chapter we shall devote exclusively to a little play, written -expressly for parlor performance. The characters are so few, and the -materials--in the way of dress and scenery--so simple, that it can be -easily gotten up in any household. In the full-page picture you will see -our idea of the "make-up" of the Artist, but as Mr. Bullywingle does not -come out so well on so small a scale, we annex a picture of his head and -shoulders as a guide to the reader. We feel disposed, however, to allow -the largest latitude to the performers as to make-up. They can modify -the dress of the characters according to circumstances. Another reason -we have for giving the portrait of Mr. Bullywingle is, that a large copy -of it is required in the performance of the piece. In copying this it is -no matter how ludicrously inaccurate your performance is, provided you -make the face fiery red, the hair white, and the spectacles green. -Indeed, the worse the picture the funnier the effect. - -[Illustration] - -_Mr. Bullywingle._--Hat--white, with black band. Face very red, -culminating in a bright crimson on the nose. The face should be colored -with vermilion, which can be procured in a powdered state at any color -store. If you get it in this state mix it with water, to which add a -very small quantity of gum or glue. The best plan, however, is, if -convenient, to purchase a cake of vermilion such as is used for -water-colors. - -Hair, eyebrows, and moustache must be very white. The hair and moustache -can be made white by dressing with plenty of pomatum, and then -sprinkling them liberally with flour from the flour dredger. The -imperial and eyebrows should be painted on the face with flake-white. -Procure two ounces of flake-white (in powder) in any paint store; mix it -carefully with water till it is about as thick as molasses. A small -piece of glue, about the weight of two beans, should be dissolved in the -water before it is added to the flake-white. - -Spectacles--green, which you can either borrow from a friend, buy at a -store, or steal anywhere. If, however, you are too proud to steal, and -you cannot get the specs any other way, you may cut them out of -card-board and paint the proper color. As Mr. Bullywingle wears his -specs on the end of his nose, never using them to look through, it is of -little consequence whether they be transparent or not. - -Cravat--large and white. - -Shirt collar--large; can be cut out of writing-paper. - -Coat--blue, with gilt buttons. - -Vest and pants--light; the latter short in the legs. - -Shoes--low. - -_Mr. Puttyblow_ (the artist).--Nose red; eyebrows black, and painted -above the natural eyebrows. This gives the eyebrows a continued -elevated appearance, which is very comical in effect. - -The moustache and beard can either be painted with burnt cork or -India-ink, or, which is far better, made out of curled hair and a little -diachylon, as described in a previous chapter. If you wish to make the -character very comic, you can turn up the nose with a piece of thread -and stick a patch of court-plaster over one of your teeth, all of which -has been described in earlier chapters. - -Cap--something fancy, of bright color if possible. - -Coat--anything comical and shabby. The young man is poor. - -Pants--short in the legs. - -_Miss MacSlasher_ must be attired in walking costume, and make herself -look as elegant and pretty as possible. Or in case the ladies won't act, -or you happen to be out of pretty girls, you can get Miss MacSlasher up -as an old lady, and make her look as comical as you can. You see our -play is on a compensating, self-adjusting principle. Now we will give -you a list of all the things you will require in the way of -"properties," as they are called in stage parlance. Before doing so, -however, we must impress upon you the necessity of having a stage -manager, otherwise you will surely get into a state of confusion and -spoil the play. It is the duty of the stage-manager to collect the -properties together and see that they are all in their right places. He -will arrange the stage, and, if desirable, act as prompter. - -Vermilion--To be procured at a paint store. - -Flake-white and green paint--paint store. - -Card-board for imitation spectacles, and glue--paint store. - -Three or four camel's-hair pencils--paint store. - -India-ink or burnt cork. - -Pomatum, butter or lard for hair. - -Ten cents' worth of diachylon (in lump form, not plaster--remember this; -also remember that the diachylon must be warmed before the fire to make -it stick), which can be had at any drug store. - -Flour for hair can be procured from the kitchen, if the barrel ain't -gin' out. - -Green spectacles. - -White cravat and large shirt-collar. - -Blue or green coat, with bright buttons. - -Vest and pantaloons, light in color. - -Small piece of court-plaster or black silk, for tooth. - -Curled hair from stuffing of mattresses. - -Cap for artist, of bright color. - -Coat for artist. - -Pants for ditto, legs short. - -Slippers for ditto. - -Large portrait of Mr. Bullywingle. - -Easel or stand for portrait. - -Palette (the palette should be cut out of pasteboard, the cover of a -large book, or something of that kind--a wooden palette would break when -sat upon); a maul-stick and brushes, pictures, casts, etc., to give the -artist's studio an artistic appearance. - -Stale hard loaf of bread. - -Knife--palette knife if possible. - -Tray with two cups. - -Tea-pot containing very weak tea. - -Plates, butter, and pieces of crockery, to make a clatter. - -Sheets, comfortable, shawls, or Turkey-red, to make proscenium and -drop-curtain. - -Several sheets of tissue-paper, red and blue, to ornament proscenium. - -Lamps to light the stage. - -Deeds and legal documents for Mr. Bullywingle. - -Umbrella for Mrs. Bullywingle. - -White hat with black band. - -Towels, or rags, to cover and conceal artist's breakfast on a chair. - -Slice of bread prepared with diachylon or hooked pins to stick to Mr. -Bullywingle's coat-tail. - - - - -BULLYWINGLE THE BELOVED; - -A DRAMA IN ONE ACT. - - -_Dramatis Personae._ - -_Mr. Puttyblow_, an artist. - -_Mr. Bullywingle_, a bachelor who is beloved by women, or thinks himself -so. - -_Miss MacSlasher._ - - -SCENE.--_An artist's studio._ - -Curtain rises, or is pulled down, and discovers Mr. Puttyblow seated at -an easel opposite a picture which is so placed that the audience cannot -see the face of it. - -_Mr. Puttyblow_ (yawning). Oh--on--on--awe--awe--oo--oo! Oh, thunder! -Oh, pickled thunder, turnip-tops, trust, tick, and tomatoes! I wish to -goodness, goose-pies, and the goddess of fame, some one would give me a -commission to paint a picture--one thousand dollars--half cash in -advance, and the balance on completion of the work--some grand heroic -subject, which would send my name and fame resounding through the -nations of the earth like the mighty avalanche of the Alps, till the -human race with one voice should stand back and exclaim--"That's him!" - -Now, I think I could paint a picture of Washington Crossing the Delaware -in a style of art equally creditable to my feelings as an artist and an -American citizen. I'd make Washington--yes--I would not make him as they -generally do, in a great, big, comfortable boat, with a new suit of -clothes, looking up to heaven, while a lot of other fellows are shoving -the boat through lumps of ice with hooks and pikes, and things of that -kind. No! I'd make him swimming across, with the stars and stripes -between his teeth and a horse-pistol of the period behind each ear. -That's what I should call something like a picture. But all this is -vain; instead of painting big pictures, and building my palatial villa -on the Hudson, I am stuck and starved in this miserable chamber--a poor -artist with scarcely anything to feed upon but tobacco-smoke and my own -ideas. Talking about feed reminds me that I have had no breakfast yet. -Now breakfast is one of those ideas about which I have my own -ideas--namely, to wit: that you can't continually do without it--that's -to say, not as a steady thing. It grows monotonous after a time. That -tea has been standing three-quarters of an hour, and ought to be now fit -for human nourishment (pours out tea, which is quite colorless). Rather -weak--I may even go so far as to say exceedingly weak. It is like -Hancock's veterans, will stand any amount of fire for any length of time -without changing color. But you are very weak, poor tea; like women, let -us respect your weakness. The butter is strong enough to take care of -you (smells butter). I wonder whether this butter is not manufactured -near Forty-second street, N. Y. It strikes me I have smelt something -very like it near the soap factory on the Hudson River Railroad. Where's -the knife (takes knife and loaf)? Ah! here it is (tries to cut loaf, -which resists all his efforts). This loaf is beginning to get slightly -obstinate. Most extraordinary thing how hard a loaf becomes after you -have kept it for a week or two. However, I ain't the kind of man to let -any darned baker's bread--ever baked--get the best of me. No! (Takes up -hatchet at one side, places bread on floor, and begins chopping it. Cuts -off a piece which he butters, and lays upon a chair.) Now, Puttyblow, my -boy; you shall have bread and chops for breakfast. C-h-e-o-p-s--chops! -Chops with a large C. (A loud knocking is heard at the door.) Oh, -thunder! there's some one at the door--it will never do to let them see -these things around (piles up cups and saucers on tray and covers them -with towels. He leaves the slice of bread and butter, however, on the -chair). It doesn't look prosperous; and nobody ever thinks anything of -any one who isn't prosperous. (Seats himself at easel, and pretends to -be busy painting.) Come in! - - Enter _Mr. Bullywingle_. - -_Mr. B._ Ha! I've found a refuge at last, thank goodness! I'm all in a -flutter--she nearly caught me. It was a dooced close shave. Here am I -tormented to death by women who will insist upon marrying me. 'Pon my -soul it is rather too bad that a man, because he is rather nice-looking -and has a little money saved up, cannot leave his house without being -pursued by all the women in creation wanting to marry him. I don't want -to marry _them_. I don't see any particular fun in dividing all my -property, my time, my comfort, my amusement, with another individual, -besides giving that individual the life-long privilege of--the life-long -right to dictate the temperature of the apartment in which I sit, the -amount of light which shall illuminate my chamber; who shall be my -associates; where I shall live; what I shall eat; what I shall -drink--there's the rub! actually putting the power into the hands of a -mortal like yourself to come between you and your social tod. Oh, it's -horrible to think of! Marriage is a humbug. I wouldn't marry the -Bearded Lady herself. But I wonder what kind of an office this is I've -rushed into--not a lawyer's; no--doesn't smell of Russia leather. Not a -Government office; no--don't smell any whiskey. Not p-e-t--yes, -r-o--l-e-u-m; there's certainly a smell of oil around. Ah, oh--yes, I -see; it's some kind of a paint shop. I must trump up some business with -the proprietor as an excuse for coming in. Wonder, by the way, whether -there's anybody about, after all? Ah! yes, to be sure; bless my soul, -there he is. (Takes a step towards artist, and coughs. Artist pretends -to be deeply engaged in his art, and does not hear him.) Ahem! ahem! -wonder whether the poor creature is deef and dumb. Ahem! ah, excuse me, -sir, but--ah, that is fine day--ahem! good-morning, sir. - -_Artist._ Good-morning, sir. - -_Mr. B._ You are a painter, are you not, sir? - -_Artist._ That is my name--ah, that is to say, that is my profession. - -_Mr. B._ I want you to paint me a sign for my store. - -_Artist._ A what, sir? - -_Mr. B._ A sign. Jothan H. Bullywingle, wholesale---- - -_Artist._ Wholesale fiddlestick! - -_Mr. B._ Wholesale dealer in---- - -_Artist._ Sir, I would have you to understand that I don't paint signs, -sir. I am an artist--historical and portrait delineator. - -_Mr. B._ Oh, ah! yes, exactly; that's what I mean. I want you to paint -my portrait--Jothan H. Bullywingle, wholesale--no, exactly as you were -saying, my portrait. (Aside)--By Jove, I--I'm in for it. - -_Artist._ Would you like a full face? - -_Mr. B._ (thoughtfully). Why, pretty full. - -_Artist._ Or a side face? - -_Mr. B._ Oh, yes--a side face. - -_Artist._ Or a three-quarter face? - -_Mr. B._ Yes, a three-quarter face. Yes, she was a blue one, I think, -this last one. - -_Artist_ (prepares seat). Will you take a seat, Mr. Bully--Bully---- - -_Mr. B._ Wingle. - -_Artist._ Will you take a seat, Mr. Wingle? - -_Mr. B._ Bully, sir. - -_Artist._ Take a seat, Mr. Winglebully. - -_Mr. B._ Yes, yes, certainly. (Aside--I'm regularly stuck for a -portrait.) Certainly, sir; though you haven't got my name exactly -right--not quite correct, my young friend. My name is Bullywingle. -(Aside--The first one was purple and diamonds.) - -[Mr. B. seats himself at opposite side of stage to artist, who sits down -and prepares to paint.] - -_Artist._ Will you smile, sir? - -_Mr. B._ (aside.) Really, a very polite young man. Thank you, I don't -mind if I do--the least drop in the world; Bourbon, or anything that's -handy. - -_Artist._ I mean, sir, will you be pleased to smile with your mouth? - -_Mr. B._ (aside.) With my mouth? Of course, with my mouth. Does the -young man fancy that I propose to drink through my nose, like an -elephant? (Aloud.) Oh, yes, I'll smile with my mouth, of course. - -_Artist._ I perceive you do not understand me, sir. I allude to the -expression. - -_Mr. B._ Oh! I'm perfectly familiar with the expression--perfectly -familiar with the _expression_. - -_Artist._ Mr. Winglebully, I wish you to assume an agreeable expression -of countenance in order that I may transfer your beautiful features to -my canvas in a manner satisfactory to yourself, myself, and mankind -generally. - -_Mr. B._ Oh, ah! yes, certainly--exactly--to be sure--bless my -soul--yes. (Mr. B. grins in an exaggerated manner). - -_Artist._ Ah--yes; that's it--that's it--just so. A little to the left. -I'm afraid--keep your head up--I cannot give you a very long sitting -to-day--I'm so crowded with sitters. (Mr. B. forgets that he is sitting -for his portrait and begins to look very melancholy and miserable.) I am -obliged to--smile, if you please. (Mr. B. starts and resumes his -exaggerated grin.) I'm obliged to fix certain days and hours to receive -my friends and patrons, otherwise they--will you smile, if you -please?--otherwise they would not leave me a--will you smile, if you -please, sir? Look at me and think of something pleasant. Think of a lady -(Mr. B. looks miserable and frightened). (Aside--He doesn't look as if -he were thinking of a lady, does he?) Think of something pleasant, -now--something pleasing. Think of _Hash_ (Mr. B. brightens up). Yes, -hash. Keep on thinking of hash, hash, hash! Good gracious! will you -smile, sir? Hash--hash--hash! Keep smiling--hash--that's it; hash! -There, sir, will you be kind enough to look at that? You are a little -rough and raw (Mr. B. starts), but, of course, I have only rubbed you -in. You will come out better at the second painting. - -_Mr. B._ (rising and advancing towards the picture). Oh, yes--yes, very -good. The shirt-collar and the cravat are extremely like; but don't you -think you might alter the rest? - -_Artist._ Well--ah--umph! I don't know. I think I have hit your eye -exactly. (Mr. B. starts slightly.) The hair is very fair, and I've got -hold of your nose very satisfactorily. (Mr. B. rubs his nose.) The mouth -might look all the better, perhaps, for a little madder, but---- - -_Mr. B._ Oh, dear, no, it's quite mad enough. I don't wish to have a -severe expression of countenance. - -_Artist._ I refer to the color--the pigment. - -_Mr. B._ The color the pig meant. The pig--the pig. I meant what I said, -sir; and if you think to call me a pig with impunity you are very much -mistaken. - -_Artist._ Oh, no--no--no, my dear sir; you mistake me. We artists use a -beautiful pink color called madder, and I spoke of this as a pigment--no -offence, not for the world. But allow me to place the picture in a -better light; you can hardly judge of it in its present position. (Turns -easel and picture round facing the audience.) (Aside.)--Now won't he be -an unreasonable old polypus to object to that as a likeness? -(Aloud.)--There, sir, now you can see it better. (They both sit down in -chairs, the artist on his own palette and Mr. B. on the slice of bread -and butter left by the artist.) - -_Artist._ Now, sir, I think I have caught the expression of your eyes -and spectacles; and as for the nose, it literally speaks, while the -chin and mouth-- - -_Mr. B._ Yes--yes, but I don't think you have stuck quite closely enough -to nature. There is nothing like sticking to a thing. (Rises and moves -towards picture, showing slice of bread sticking to his coat-tails. -Advances and examines picture critically.) - -_Artist._ I declare, if the idiotic old grampus has not been sitting -down on my bread and butter. It is most extraordinary that some people -will never look where they sit down. (Rises to remove bread and butter, -and shows palette sticking to his dressing-gown behind.) The -carelessness of some people is marvellous--really astonishing. - -_Mr. B._ The shirt-collar is certainly very like; but don't you think -the complexion is a little high? because I am really rather pale, you -know. - -_Artist_ (making futile endeavors to remove the bread and butter with -one hand). Ah, yes, perhaps that might be toned down a little. (Aside.) -I'll whitewash the old brute if he likes. (Aloud.) If you will be kind -enough to take a seat for two minutes I will try to avail myself of your -valuable suggestion (looks around for his palette). Now, where on earth -can be my palette? (Looks suspiciously at old Mr. B.) He can't have been -sitting down on that too--and yet I do believe he's stupid enough for -anything. (Looks for palette again.) No. (At this moment Mr. B. sits -down on the chair where Mr. P. has concealed his breakfast, and -everything goes with a crash.) - -_Artist._ There goes that old porpoise again! All my breakfast gone--my -beautiful tea and my elegant bread and butter. (To Mr. B., who -apologizes.) Ah, never mind, sir--no consequence; only a few paint -saucers, that's all. No consequence; take a seat over here. (Seats old -gent in the chair which Mr. B. first occupied, and which artist has -since used.) But my palette--where can it have gone? Where's that d--d -palette? Let me see; I think I laid it on that chair. Will you kindly -rise for one moment, Mr. Winglebully? (Looks at Mr. B.'s back.) No! -strange--let me see--oh! ah! yes--I--he sat over there. (A thought seems -to have struck him. He begins to feel behind his own coat, where he -finds the palette. Produces it--his own fingers covered with paint.) -There it is--I knew I'd put it somewhere. (Here a knocking is heard at -the door. Mr. B. jumps up and grasps the artist by the hand, getting his -own covered with paint in the operation.) - -_Mr. B._ Here she is! For heaven's sake, conceal me! - -[Illustration: THE DRAMA OF "BULLYWINGLE."--_See page 180._] - -_Artist._ Here is who? - -_Mr. B._ The blue woman. - -_Artist._ The blue woman? - -_Mr. B._ Yes--they pursue me wherever I go. It's a blue woman now. -Yesterday it was a red woman. Oh, all sorts of women--black women--green -women--white women--for pity's sake, conceal me! They'd make a Mormon or -polygamist of me. (Wipes his painted fingers over his face.) Oh, my dear -sir, you would not have me commit trigamy--you would not--but hide me -somewhere--hide me! - -_Artist._ Here--here, behind the curtain. - -_Lady_ enters. - -_Lady._ Is there a gentleman here? - -_Artist._ Em--ah! gentleman? no--no; that is to say, not exactly. - -_Lady._ This is an artist's studio, is it not? - -_Artist._ Yes, madam; this is an artist's studio. - -_Lady._ There is no other studio in this building? - -_Artist._ This is the only studio in this building. Will you take a -seat, madam? - -_Lady._ I was to meet an elderly gentleman here--my father--who was -going to have his portrait taken. - -_Mr. B._ (aside.) Her father--that's a deep dodge. Pretends to be after -her father, the artful thing. - -_Artist._ Yes, madam. - -_Lady._ He should have been here some time ago--that is to say, if I -have come to the right place. - -_Artist._ Ah, yes; this is the right place. (Aside.) Hooray! here's -another job. - -_Mr. B._ (aside.) Send her away! send her away! Ah, you villain, are you -going to betray me? - -_Lady._ You seem to have a great many pretty pictures here. - -_Artist._ Ah--oh--well, a few little trifles. Are you fond of art? - -_Lady._ Oh, yes--very. - -_Artist._ I shall be happy to show you some of my sketches. If you will -excuse me for a moment, I will bring them from the other room. - -_Lady._ Certainly, It will give me great pleasure to look at anything in -the shape of pictures. I once studied Poonah Painting and Potichomanie -myself; and mamma's uncle, who was a great artist, and used to draw -things with a red-hot poker, said he couldn't tell my pictures from -life, almost--only I could never learn to do trees. Don't you find trees -very difficult? Mamma's uncle used to say the only fault with my trees -was that they looked like cabbages. I can paint cabbages very well; but -then they don't look pretty in a picture, you know. - -_Artist._ Indeed, I doubt not your delicate hand would lend a charm to -any object it might portray. Nature is full of beauties, and there is a -world of loveliness even in a cabbage. - -_Mr. B._ (aside.) In a cabbage-head. - -_Artist._ But I will bring you my portfolio--a few unworthy sketches -which may serve to while away the moments till the arrival of your -estimable father. - - [Exit. - -_Mr. B._ (aside.) Good heaven! He is going to keep me here all day while -he makes a fool of himself to that young woman. This will never do! I -must escape. I must throw myself on her mercy. She has an awful vicious -expression of countenance, though. However, she must have the heart of a -woman. Perhaps she has a brother; and how would she like to have him -married against his will by fifteen women in blue? I will--yes, I will -throw myself on her mercy. I will implore her to spare me. Poor thing! I -shall be sorry to break her heart--but it must be done.----Courage, -Bullywingle--courage! (Rushes out and throws himself at her feet.) My -good young woman, spare me! Think of your own brother, and spare me! - - [Lady screams and rushes off. - -I cannot marry you all. If I did marry you I should make the red lady -miserable for life, and the green lady would die of jealousy, and the -yellow lady might commit suicide. - -Enter _Artist_, with portfolio, which falls on the floor. - -_Artist._ You venerable reptile, what are you about! What do you mean, -sir? Get up, sir! I'll knock you down, sir! You've driven away one of my -best customers. (They scuffle.) - -_Mr. B._ But my dear sir--my good young friend, what was I to do? Hear -me--listen--leave go--you'll tear my coat--let go, or she'll be back, -and then I'm lost! Do you hear, you rascal! You'll tear my coat--there -go my suspenders--there goes something else! I'll have you arrested for -intent to do grievous bodily battery and commit violent matrimony--let -go! - -_Artist._ You old rascal--you old polypus--you old humbug--you are -ruining me! (Rushes to one side and returns with club or stick. A fight -ensues. Old gent strikes an attitude with umbrella.) - -_Mr. B._ Come on, Mac what's your name! and damned be he who first cries -hold--enough! - -_Artist_ (aside). I'll be hanged if the old buffer ain't swearing! -(Aloud.) By all the powers I'll be revenged! As sure as my name is -Puttyblow I will be re-ve-n-ged! (Is about to rush at old gent.) - -_Mr. B._ Pause, rash man! Did you say Puttyblow? - -_Artist._ I did. - -_Mr. B._ Have you a strawberry mark on your left arm? - -_Artist._ Nature has ornamented me in the manner you describe. - -_Mr. B._ Are you short-sighted in your left eye? - -_Artist._ Such is my affliction. - -_Mr. B._ Do you snore at nights? - -_Artist._ So I have been informed by the people over the way, who have -sent over several times to expostulate with me in the most offensive -terms possible. - -_Mr. B._ And sleep late in the morning? - -_Artist._ I do. - -_Mr. B._ (rushing forward.) My long-lost son! - -_Artist._ Excuse me for one moment. Have you a gooseberry bush on your -left arm? - -_Mr. B._ Gooseberry? No--no--not specially. - -_Artist._ Do you wear corns or paper collars? - -_Mr. B._ Well, I've had chilblains. - -_Artist._ Are you subject to hydrophobia? - -_Mr. B._ Well, not precisely; but I've been run over by a Broadway -omnibus. - -_Artist._ Are you in the habit of committing suicide? - -_Mr. B._ Well--I--I--don't know--I travel on the Hudson River Railroad -sometimes. - -_Artist._ Come to my arms, my long-lost father! - - [They embrace. - -_Mr. B._ Bless you, my boy--bless you! bless you! - -Enter _Lady_. Artist sees her, and struggles to escape from Mr. B.'s -grasp. - -_Artist._ Let go--let me go--drat it all, let go. - -_Mr. B._ Bless you, my boy--bless you! - -_Lady._ I have left my portemonnaie in your studio--will you be kind -enough to let me have it? - -_Mr. B._ Young woman, spare me! - -_Lady_ (to Artist). Pray protect me from this venerable ruffian. - -_Mr. B._ (aside.) Venerable ruffian! Come, now, that is what the boys -call rather rough. (Aloud.) Then you don't love me? - -_Lady._ If you insult me further, I shall inform my father. - -_Mr. B._ Then you have a father?--wonderful! Are you sure of it--no -deception? What is his name? Where does he live? Tell me -quick--quick--do not deceive me! - -_Lady._ My father, sir, is General MacSlasher, who will not allow his -daughter to be insulted with impunity. - -_Mr. B._ MacSlasher! The brave MacSlasher, who married my half-cousin -Columbia Ann, of Pickleville, Indiana? - -_Lady._ Indeed, it is true. - -_Mr. B._ Come to my arms, my long-lost niece! No, not niece; -cousin--second cousin--oh, hang the relationship! Come to my arms, any -way! But hold--you are the richest heiress in New York. I have the deeds -in my pocket to prove it. By the will of your late grandfather Grampus -you are the sole possessor of six blocks on Broadway, Trinity Church, -Erie Railroad, two steamboats on the Hudson River that won't burst, and -vast territories on Coney Island. - -_Artist._ Good gracious! - -_Mr. B._ Happy hour--auspicious moment! to have thus met my son and -niece on the same day. Puttyblow, my son--no longer Puttyblow, but -Bullywingle--this is the lady I have destined for you for ten long -years, if I could only have found you. She is rich and beautiful. I know -you love each other; and if you don't, make believe you do, or you'll -spoil the play. Bullywingle, junior, embrace your bride! Take her and be -happy! Bless you, my children--bless you! - - Grand tableau. Mr. Puttyblow and Miss MacSlasher embrace. Mr. - Bullywingle opens his umbrella, and, standing on one leg, - holds it over them. - - - - -CHAPTER XVI. - - -It may be remembered that in a recent chapter we mentioned being in a -_tranquil mood_, and, while in that condition, calling on our friend -Nix, and further, that Nix introduced us that same evening to some -ladies with brown eyes. - -Since that event the _tranquil_ moods have come over us periodically, -with rapidly increasing virulence. So much so that latterly we have -found it desirable to dispense with the cumbrous ceremony of going round -to call for Nix. The fact is we have taken a great fancy to _that_ boy -Little Pickle; he is certainly a very fine boy. - -It occurs to us at this moment that we have not yet given a name to this -family. Their real name is one of those which recall old revolutionary -times directly it is uttered. One of those names which, to ourself at -least, at once summons up a picture of marching ranks of men in -three-cornered hats and yellow breeches, toiling forward with glistening -muskets over their shoulders, past rows of quaint gabled houses. We -cannot give the real name, of course--that is out of the question--so we -will call them Adams, because that is not their name. Then we will -subdivide them as follows: Mrs. Adams, Bud, Blossom, and Berry. We -christen them thus because these were the titles they received in a -little floral and pomological game we once played. - -The Adams family were going to give a party. We were called in as -consulting engineer, to suggest attractions. We readily accepted the -office. The reader knows our system and will easily guess our first -order. Objects to provoke conversation! - -Pig made out of lemon. Good! The pig was made and applauded. - -"But," suggested Bud, "why confine ourselves to a pig; surely we can -make something else." - -"Surely," we assented. So all of us set our wits to work at zoology. - -Bud made the first discovery. "Oh!" she exclaimed, "I have found out -something beautiful--a whole litter of little pigs to go with the -lemon!" - -And, indeed, 'twas true. In a few seconds she had some almonds soaking -in a cup of boiling water. In a few seconds more she was peeling off -their brown jackets, revealing the smooth white nut, as white as the -tips of her own taper fingers. The almonds were soon converted into -sucking-pigs, and were admitted on all hands to look quite cunning, and -as natural as nature, with their little white bodies grouped round the -maternal lemon--some running, some standing, and some seated on their -haunches. - -[Illustration] - -We need not explain to the gifted reader the _modus operandi_. It is -much the same as with the lemon, only the eyes are dotted with a black -lead pencil and the ears are made from small slips of wood. - -[Illustration] - -Stimulated by the success of Bud, Blossom dived down into the depths of -her imagination, and fished out a goat. The goat was unquestionably a -triumph. The body consisted of a pear, the head of an unbleached -almond, the legs, horns, and beard of raisin stalks. - -[Illustration] - -On the same principle, and with wonderful celerity, Berry took up the -idea, gracefully acknowledged her indebtedness to the original inventor, -and produced a deer--a deer with wide-spreading antlers made of raisin -stalks, and legs of the same material, which counterfeited nature even -to the knee-joints. The neck cost some little mental exertion, but was -finally triumphed over in the following shape, neatly cut out of wood. - -The deer now appeared truly a monarch of the forest; a little weak in -the shoulders perhaps, and rather full-chested behind, but still a noble -animal. - -[Illustration] - -Not to be outdone with her own idea, Blossom wrestled vigorously with -her subject, and ere we had ceased admiring the deer, had very nearly -completed a sheep--a sheep so fleecy and short in the legs that it was -at once voted the greatest triumph of all, though WE personally and -privately thought, and still think, that, for true genius, Bud's idea of -the pigs far exceeded any of them. The white almond certainly made a -most admirable sheep's head, but then apple, of which the body was made, -grew rapidly rusty when once peeled--so much so that we had to scrape -our sheep once or twice in the course of the evening to restore its -fleeciness. - -[Illustration] - -[Illustration] - -Having made large herds of deer, flocks of goats and sheep, not to -mention litters of pigs, we disposed some of them on the mantel-piece -and what-nots, while others were reserved to make a grand pastoral scene -on the supper table. Having finished these, we devoted our energies to -constructing scent-bags and mice, the latter made out of apple-seeds, as -described in a previous chapter. Here the transcendent genius of Bud -again asserted itself--she invented a rat; a rat made out of an -unbleached almond. When grouped with the mice and flour-sacks the effect -was truly grand. - -What now? - -"What shall we make next?" was the general inquiry. - -"Oh, can't you make something that will jump up?" eagerly suggested -Little Pickle, who had kept pretty quiet during our zoological -researches. - -"Can't you make something that will jump up?" This was so vague that we -were fain to demand further light. - -"Oh, you know at our school one of the boys made a kind of thing with a -bit of wax that jumped up and frightened you." - -This was still far from clear, but whatever it might be, it was -evidently calculated to frighten somebody, and so was immediately voted -down by the ladies. - -"Oh, make that gorilla portrait, you know," again entreated Little -Pickle; "that makes such fun." - -This proposition, though received coolly, was, nevertheless, discussed -at some length, till Blossom called her sister's attention to the fact -that one of their invited guests would be a certain Dr. O'Tang, who -really did resemble a gorilla, and should the glass fall into his -hands, he would feel hurt at the joke; so Little Pickle's second -proposition was voted down. - -We now felt a heavy weight of responsibility hanging on our shoulders. -Six brown eyes were resting upon us, each as deep and brown as a -mountain pool. - -"Can we not do something with paper?" suggested Bud, her exquisite -genius again coming to our aid. This suggestion gave us the cue. - -"I have it," we exclaimed; "I will teach you to make stained glass. To -be sure, it is only a variation of your own beautiful art of making -transparencies; still, if you have never heard of the process, it may -afford some amusement, and help you to decorate your rooms." - -One apartment in the house of Adams was of the kind known as _extension -room_. The two windows which separated this apartment from the back -parlor served admirably to exhibit the new art. The object of the -process is to produce an effect somewhat similar to the heraldic -painting on the casements of old European houses, and is done thus: - -You procure several sheets of tissue paper of various colors, a pair of -scissors, and some fine boiled paste. You fold a sheet of the paper -twice, then cut out of the folded paper a form--say, for example, like -the one on the left: so that when the sheet is open there will be two -pieces like the one on the right. - -[Illustration] - -Paste one of these in the centre of the window-pane you wish to -decorate, then paste the other over it, only lapping over a little on -one side and below, as represented in this diagram. - -When this is dry it will have a very pretty effect. Of course you can -cut the papers in any form you choose and have them in different -colors--red over green, or yellow over blue. You may also stitch one -pattern of a smaller size right in the centre of another, or paste three -or four different patterns one above the other, as illustrated by our -subjoined cuts. - -[Illustration] - -Having delivered our short lecture (illustrated with examples) to the -six brown eyes, and also to the six white ears--like quaint sea-shells -from the shores of Elysium--we all proceeded to operate on the windows -before mentioned, and we are glad to say with the most pleasing results. - -[Illustration] - -Our scissorings with the colored paper brought to light an -accomplishment of Little Pickle, which set us all to work anew with -scissors and pen and ink for some time. - -Master Adams's system was this: he took a small piece of writing paper, -and dropping a minute quantity of ink in the centre, then folded it -right across the blot and rubbed it over with his finger. When the paper -was opened it displayed some curious form or another. This, with a few -touches of the pen, we generally made to resemble some object in nature. -Bud made an excellent stag's head on one occasion, which we subjoin. - -[Illustration] - -But Little Pickle's course of instruction did not stop with blots. He -folded bits of paper and cut them into grotesque patterns, and set us -all to filling them up with pictures. The great art consisted in making -your design conform to the outline of the paper. One of these, which we -happened to have brought away by accident, we have here engraved. It was -drawn by Bud, and is really very clever. - -That was a very delightful evening we passed with the Adams's. Little -Pickle is a very fine boy; guess we will call for him on our road up in -the afternoon--to go skating. - -[Illustration] - -That night, when we reached home, we found Nix had called and left us a -very curious work--_The Veda, or the Sacred Writings of the Hindoos_. We -slept sweetly, and dreamed we were reclining on the banks of the Ganges -conversing pleasantly with Brahma. Singular dream, was it not? - - - - -CHAPTER XVII. - - -Blue and white Christmas, with his henchman, Santa Claus, having come -and gone, leaving behind him, however, for a while, his raiment of white -and blue, with a host of dear memories for our hearts' nourishment -through the next twelvemonth's stage in this journey of life, we think -we cannot better show our appreciation of his goodness than by painting -a portrait of that small fraction of the universal jollity which fell to -our individual lot. - -We have some friends who live in the country, a long way from sidewalks -and gas and railroads, or at least far enough off to debar the dear -souls from many tastes of city pleasures. So, as these friends cannot -well go to town for amusement, and as they have a large love of fun and -several small children, they try to bring amusements home on all festive -occasions. - -To this house, with a small party of mutual acquaintances, we went our -way on the twenty-fifth of December last. Before starting there were -great business operations to be performed, and such a time as we had of -it! One item was easily managed, and caused no mental anxiety. We went -_en masse_ to Ridley's, and, after waiting in a crowd of crinoline for -some time, came away each with his dexter coat-pocket swelled out with a -pound package of mixed candies. That, of course, was simple enough; but -when it came to buying something else--something of a more durable -nature--then our ingenuity was, indeed, put to the test. It will be seen -that our task was no ordinary one. There were three of us, and we each -wished, according to our annual custom, to present each member of the -family with some appropriate gift; and as there were five in the family, -namely--papa, mamma, daughter aged eleven, son aged four, and another -daughter aged two, and assuming that we each only gave one object to -each of the individuals in the country house, it would make--three fives -are fifteen--fifteen different objects to be purchased, every one of -which ought to differ from the other, besides being unlike anything they -would be already likely to possess. When we came to compare notes, we -found that we had, to a man, privately and separately resolved to -present papa with a meerschaum pipe; two out of the three had thoughts -of giving mamma a dressing-case; while the unanimity on the subject of -work-boxes, dolls, and jumping-jacks was really marvellous. - -But we must not linger around fancy-stores, and over candy counters, and -in city streets. We have a long evening before us away off in the -country, over miles of snowy roads. It is enough that, by the aid of a -steaming locomotive, which whizzed and buzzed and thundered us through -the lonely snow-clad cuttings, as though it were saying: "Come along! -come along! come along! Hurry up! Pish! phew! Here's another stoppage! -Clear the track! Don't keep us waiting!" stopping only now and then, -stock still, to brighten up the mean way-station into a glow of -mysterious grandeur, with fitful flashes of light, as though it were -some monster fire-fly of the season. By means of this lusty bug at -first, and afterwards by a rickety, ramshackle, old shandradan of a -hack, tortured along by two horses, one of which was balky, we reached -the house of our entertainers, where the light streamed out through the -red curtains to meet us, and glorified the snow in our path long before -we pulled up at the hospitable door. - -Mr. and Mrs. Merryweather both greeted us heartily before we had kicked -the snow from our boots; while the former, with a celerity equally -creditable to his head and legs, dashed into the kitchen, and reappeared -with three smoking glasses of hot brandy-punch. - -"Here, boys," he cried, "take this. It will keep the cold out. Come, I -insist upon it." - -Mr. Greeley and other good people tell us that it is all wrong to drink -spirituous liquors, and we are not quite clear ourself as to the -propriety of the practice. But there was something genial in the -thoughtful attention of our friend Merryweather, and something else -grateful in the aroma of the brandy-punch, that certainly made us all -feel more truly welcome and happy than had we been politely shown -up-stairs to wash our hands in a cold bedroom, with the prospect of two -doughnuts and a cup of weak tea to follow. - -Aunty Delluvian was of the party, being a very old friend of the family. -With regard to the company generally, it may be defined as mixed. Some -of the children, whose parents were neighbors, betrayed their status by -the excess of starch and bright colors which characterized their -dresses; while others from the city displayed all the ostentatious -simplicity of cultivated taste. - -Mr. Merryweather opened the entertainment with an exceedingly well -intentioned, though rather transparent, display of prestidigitation (if -that is the way to spell the abominable word); but as most of his tricks -depended upon the use of a new and complete set of conjuring apparatus -he had purchased for the occasion, we will not linger over his magic -rings and dice and cups. Two items, however, in his performance being -attainable by very simple means, we will describe. - -At one stage in the entertainment it seemed absolutely necessary that he -should have the aid of a small boy, in order to make six copper cents -pass from under a hat to the top of a bird-cage. Making known his want, -a red-faced youth with black curly hair volunteered his services. The -juvenile, be it observed, had rendered himself somewhat conspicuous by -declaring at the end of every trick that he knew how it was done, and by -inquisitively desiring to inspect the interior of goblets and the -bottoms of boxes. Merryweather's eyes twinkled as this gentleman -tendered his assistance. - -"Here," he said, producing a small trumpet, "this is my magic horn. Take -it in your right hand, till I say: 'Heigh! presto! pass!' Then, if your -lungs are strong enough, and you blow with sufficient force, those six -cents will pass from under the hat to the top of that cage yonder." - -The youth took his stand firmly, looked knowingly, and placed the -trumpet to his lips confidently. - -"Are you ready?" asked Mr. Merryweather. "Then, heigh! presto! pass!" - -In an instant the face of the bold volunteer, black hair, red cheeks, -and all, were white as the driven snow; and comic enough he looked, as -he gaped round with a chap-fallen expression, puzzled beyond measure to -know into what condition he had blown himself. He had, in truth, blown -himself all over flour, the trumpet being constructed for that special -purpose. - -[Illustration] - -[Illustration] - -This instrument is very simple. You first procure a tube of tin, or -wood, or card-board, of about two inches in diameter. A box of the -desired shape can be found in the store of almost any druggist, or in -default of that, a wide-mouthed vial can be made to answer. The next -thing required is a thin tube, for which a piece of elder or a stick of -maccaroni will answer. These, with a large cork or bung, are all the -materials that are required. Having cut a slice off the cork of about -half an inch in thickness, you fit it tightly into the centre of the -large tube; then cut another slice of the cork to fit into one end of -the tube; but, before fixing it, cut some notches round the edge, and -make a hole in the centre large enough to hold firmly the smaller tube. -Now fix the smaller tube in the second cork, so that it will extend -about two-thirds of the way down one of the compartments in the larger -tube; fix the second cork (the one with the notches in it) in the mouth -of the large tube, and the trumpet is made. By referring to the diagram, -you will probably get a better idea of the construction of this weapon -than from our description. - -When you wish to use the instrument, pour flour through the notches you -have cut in the cork, and it is ready. Any one blowing sharply through -the small tube will, of course, blow all the flour in his own face. - -The second item in Mr. Merryweather's entertainment we propose to -describe is still more simple. One of his feats consisted in burning a -hole in a pocket-handkerchief. To do this he required fire, so he -ordered his assistant to bring in a candle, which was accordingly done, -the candle being already lighted. As soon as Mr. Merryweather cast his -eyes upon the luminary, he feigned to fly into a terrible passion, -roundly rating the unfortunate attendant for presenting him with such a -miserable fag-end of an old kitchen dip. Then taking the candle from the -candlestick, he held the wretched stump up to the audience, and appealed -to them whether it was not disgraceful that he, the great Wizard of the -Western World, should be presented with such a paltry luminary. - -"Why," he exclaimed, "I could eat a dozen such for lunch!" - -And, suiting the action to the word, blew out the light, and popped the -offending morsel in his mouth, and quietly munched it up. - -A subdued cry of horror echoed through the apartments, above which was -heard the exclamation of Aunty Delluvian: - -"If the man isn't crunching his candle!" - -[Illustration] - -To those not familiar with it, this trick is certainly startling. The -truth is that the candle in question is made out of a piece of apple, -with a small peg cut from a nut or almond for a wick. The almond wick -will light readily, and burn brightly for some time, so that the -deception is perfect. These diagrams will show the form in which to cut -the candle and the wick, No. 1 representing the candle in its completed -state, and No. 2 the wick before it is inserted. - -The great wizard having completed his performances and retired into -private life, even to the extent of handing cake round to the ladies and -drinking a glass of wine himself, he mingled freely with the throng, but -did not, however, unbend immediately, but smiled condescendingly when -the ladies expressed admiration and surprise at the supernatural powers -he had just displayed. - -Aunty Delluvian continued to evince considerable disgust at our friend -for eating the tallow candle, a feeling which found vent in utterance of -the monosyllables: - -"Finn! The Finn! The Finn!" - -This good Aunty favored us with a narrative concerning an uncle of hers, -who was a sea-captain, and once made a voyage to "Moscow!" It was a -peculiarity, be it observed, of Aunty Delluvian, that she appeared to -have uncles ready at hand for all emergencies. She told us that this -uncle, when at the Sclavonic capital, invited some Russian officers on -board his ship to dine. The dinner was of the most sumptuous -description, but the Muscovites seemed to take but little interest in -the repast, until something on deck happened to call the host -up-stairs; on his return he found all the guests looking more cheerful. -They chatted pleasantly until the party broke up; and then, and not till -then, he discovered that his friends, during his absence, had drunk all -the oil out of the lamps, eaten six boxes of candles stowed away under -the table, and had even devoured the shaving-soap off his -dressing-table. - -[Illustration: THE HEADLESS BODY.--_See page 209._] - -We had a faint recollection of having heard this story before, and quite -pleased Aunty Delluvian by telling her so; she considered it quite a -tribute to her uncle's popularity. - -The second feature of the evening's programme was of a less cheerful -character than the first, consisting of the display of a no more -pleasing object than a bodyless head. Our illustration on next page will -at once place the scene before our readers, bereft, however, of some of -the grim features of the real spectacle; for, as we beheld it, there was -the real flesh tint, and the eyes rolled fearfully. - -Startling and complete as is the illusion in this case, it is very -simply managed. Get some person with a high forehead and tolerably long -hair, and paint under the eyes a pair of eyebrows, and on the forehead a -nose and pair of moustaches, as represented in the annexed cut. Then -make the person lie down on his back under a table, in such a way that -you can arrange a curtain so as to conceal all the body and half the -face. Brush the hair out to resemble a beard, and you have a perfect -representation of a bodyless head. - -[Illustration] - -For painting the moustaches and eyebrows, Indian-ink or burnt cork will -answer. - -There is one advantage which the spectacle can boast of: it affords the -ladies an opportunity for giving those sweet little musical shrieks -which are so charming, and of being frightened generally--some ladies -look very bewitching when they are frightened--besides giving ladies an -excuse for clinging to gentlemen's arms, which is very pleasant for the -gentlemen. - -Mr. Merryweather now introduced to our notice a young gentleman who was -detailed to amuse us with some specimens of ventriloquism. We had no -notion before this time, when our attention was particularly drawn to -the subject, how much suitable action has to do with ventriloquial -illusions. As performed before us by the young gentleman in question, -whose name was Noddles, the deception was capital; but when the sounds -were reproduced in a private room, without action, for our special -instruction, we marvelled that any one could have been deluded by them. -First of all, Mr. Noddles imitated the drawing of a cork. To give -effect to this, he turned his back to the audience, and feigned to -have a bottle between his knees. The method of doing this is so -simple that we think we can almost describe it in words. First you -make three or four chirps in succession, such as people are in the -habit of making to birds; this sounds like driving in the corkscrew. -Then you place your fore-finger in your mouth, and force it out so -as to make a loud pop, which signifies that the cork is drawn. Then -you smack your lips together, producing a sound something like -"Pop--pop--pop--pop--pop--pop" rapidly, to imitate the wine bubbling -from the bottle. _Voila tout!_ - -After that, Mr. Noddles pretended to call to a mason up the chimney, -the mason answering in a husky voice from above, and finally proceeding -with his work of knocking out a brick. The knocking was produced much in -the same way as the pouring out the wine, by parting the lips suddenly; -only, in the case of the brick, the note was in a deeper key, more -resembling "Bubp--bubp--bubp--bubp." We noticed particularly that when -the performer addressed the person up the chimney, he spoke with -especial clearness, delivering the words, as much as possible, from the -lips. This was in order to produce a strong contrast to the tones of the -man up the chimney, which were produced far down in his own throat. - -Another of his performances was to pretend that a dog was under the -lounge, which refused to come out, and finally bit him when he tried to -drag it out by the leg. - -Still another consisted in imitating a man outside the door trying to -force it open. Sometimes the supposed man would succeed in forcing the -door a short way, when a gush of his loud voice would rush in, to be -immediately cut short by the sudden closing of the door. - -[Illustration] - -Mr. Noddles concluded his part of the entertainment by the performance -of the jumping rabbit--the rabbit on this occasion being made out of a -lady's fur cuff tied up with a piece of string. This crude counterfeit -of bunny he laid on the palm of his left hand, with one end resting -against his fingers, as represented in the cut, while with the other -hand he stroked and caressed it, saying at the same time, "Be still, -bunny--don't run away; if you run away the dogs will catch you, and you -will be made into chicken-pie, and your skin will be made into a fur cap -and sold in the Bowery to--hallo! hold on! hi!" the latter exclamations -being elicited by the rabbit jumping up his arm, while he struggled to -capture it and bring it back with his right hand. The first jump made by -the rabbit was produced by a sharp jerk of the fingers, which sometimes -sends him flying into the middle of the room with a most lifelike -effect. - -But now a more imposing portion of the programme claims our attention. A -subdued jingling of bells is heard at the door, a few spasmodic bumps, -and in trots the patron saint of the day--good Santa Claus, sleigh, -reindeer, red cap, and all. (See next page.) It may not have been -polite, but we could not help it, and greeted the good saint with an -unrestrained roar of laughter. Surely never before was seen out of -Noah's Ark such a comical steed, such legs, such proportions, and such a -dislocated style of locomotion. No matter, he amused us more than a -whole troop of the veritable article from Spitzbergen; and, as a simple -act of justice between man and beast, we must admit that he propelled -Santa Claus and his turn-out in a most efficient, not to say -intelligent, style around the room. This was the Merryweather substitute -for a Christmas-tree. Santa Claus came to distribute the -Christmas-gifts--a task he performed with a discretion beyond his years. -It is pleasing to record that no one, not even the dullest in the -company, recognised Master Georgy in his disguise; but one and all, with -admirable tact, feigned to be completely taken in, and fully believed -that they were receiving a visit from the good saint himself. - -[Illustration: THE ARRIVAL OF SANTA CLAUS.--_See page 214._] - -[Illustration] - -[Illustration] - -[Illustration] - -After the _vulgaris pueris_, the _elephant_, and other specimens of -zoology, it is almost needless to explain how the reindeer was -constructed. Our illustration seems almost superfluous; still, something -may be made a little clearer by them; and to them we refer the reader -who wishes to learn how to build a reindeer. In the case before us, the -hide of the deer was made out of a pair of army blankets, purchased by -Merryweather for five dollars in Chambers street--about the best -material that could possibly be selected for the purpose. These he cut -out and fitted himself, and had them sewed on his wife's -sewing-machine. The head and horns were made of thick brown paper, and -here is the most difficult part of the animal to describe--not the most -difficult to make, bear in mind. We hate long explanations, and yet we -feel puzzled now, as we have often been before, to tell you how to make -this reindeer mask. However, here goes: You require two or three sheets -of thick brown paper, a bowl of paste (flour and water boiled), and a -block of wood, from the wood-pile, of about six or seven inches in -diameter. (See annexed cut.) You moisten one sheet of the paper -slightly, and then mould it over the block; having done this, you smear -the entire surface with paste, and mould another sheet of paper over -that; then you smear the second sheet over with paste, and mould a third -sheet over all; then let them stand till dry. This, when dry, can be -removed from the block, and will give you a hollow cone on which you can -paint the eyes and mouth of the deer, and to which you can likewise -paste the horns, as indicated in this diagram. It may strike you that -the diagram looks more like a bottle-nosed shark than the face of any -denizen of the forest. You must not, however, be discouraged on this -account; it will look all right when you get it in its proper place. - -Need we add, that after this we had supper; when good-humor culminated -in the grand old song of "Auld Lang Syne," all singing and joining hands -round the table, down even to the little two and a half year old Dolly, -whose _auld lang syne_ dated no further back than two strawberry -seasons. The idea of taking a "richt gude wully wut" with such a wee -mite of a thing was so very comic that we all laughed right merrily, -while Mrs. Merryweather, with tears in her eyes, clasped the child to -her bosom as though she would protect it from some impending danger, -possibly the approach of the monster "richt gude wully wut." - -The ladies and children retired. And we gentlemen soothed our excited -nerves with a quiet cigar in Mr. Merryweather's library. - - - - -CHAPTER XVIII. - - -We shall now amuse the fireside with a little song, or rather we will -try to tell our friends how to gladden their own chimney-corners with -the songs of birds through the long winter evenings. It will be pleasant -when the wind is howling without among the snow-laden limbs of the -trees, to be reminded of the gay summer by the counterfeit notes of the -woodland songsters. Still, we must warn our readers, that to acquire the -art thoroughly needs patience and perseverance; we can but tell them how -to make and use the instrument, and the rest they must learn for -themselves. First look at the annexed diagram, and then procure a leek -and cut off from the green leaf thereof a piece about the size of the -diagram; then lay it on a smooth table, and with the thumb-nail -delicately scrape away a semicircular patch of the green pulpy -substance of the leaf (as represented in the diagram), being careful to -leave the fine membrane or outer skin of the leaf uninjured--and there -is the instrument complete. It may require several experiments to make -the first one, but once having discovered the right way, they are very -easily manufactured. The reader may not be aware of the fact that the -leaf of the leek has a fine transparent outer skin which is quite tough, -but by breaking and carefully examining one or two leaves, he will soon -find out to what we allude. - -[Illustration] - -The way of using this instrument is to place it in the roof of the mouth -with the side on which is the membrane downwards; then press it gently -in its place with the tongue, and blow between the tongue and the upper -teeth. After the first two or three attempts, you will be able to -produce a slight sound like a mild grunt; then as you practise it you -will find that you can prolong and vary the sound somewhat, so that in -the course of a couple of days you can imitate the barking of a dog and -the neighing of a horse. With two or three weeks' practice, you will be -able to imitate some of the song-birds; but to produce exact -counterfeits of the best singing-birds will probably require months of -study; the result, however, will reward you for all your pains; for -certainly to be able to carry a mocking-bird, canary, thrush, cat-bird, -and sucking-pig in your vest-pocket is no small accomplishment. - -When not using the instrument, it should be kept in a glass of water to -prevent its drying. - - - - -CHAPTER XIX. - - -Those _tranquil moods_ of which we have twice spoken come over us with -still increasing frequency. Little Pickle is certainly a very smart boy. -We are giving him lessons in drawing; he comes on rapidly, but requires -a great deal of attention. Our time passes peaceably enough in study and -contemplation. Nix has procured us some more works of Brahminical lore. -It is a curious religion, that of the Hindoos, resembling in many points -Christianity. Nix declares, in his good-natured way, that we are more -than half converted already, and threatens to send a missionary to -reason us back from heathenism, as we need a minister badly. He is an -exceedingly good-natured fellow is Nix, though a little broad, perhaps, -at times, in his style of jocularity. Our readers are probably not aware -that there is a certain form of vulgar humor known as a sell, which -consists in inducing some person to ask you a question, and then giving -some idiotic answer in reply. The other day Nix overtook us in Broadway. -After talking a few minutes he exclaimed: - -"Oh, by the way, I have a note for you," at the same time feeling -vigorously in his pockets. - -"When did you get it? Who is it from?" we inquired, with some -earnestness, for we were expecting a letter from some one. - -"Don't know--don't know," he replied, continuing to fumble in his -pockets. "Ah, here it is." - -At the same time grasping one hand, he placed in it an oat--one seed of -the grain upon which horses and Scotchmen are fed. - -Nix laughed boisterously, and told us we were _sold_. We don't see very -much fun in it. - -We have spent another pleasant evening at the Adams'. We mentioned in a -recent chapter making some preparations for a little party they were -about to give. Well, it went off very pleasantly indeed; there were no -hitches and no awful pauses. Indeed, our own pleasure would have been -unalloyed had it not been for the presence of one officious person with -large whiskers, who (there are always one or more such persons in every -assembly) obtruded his attentions too much on the ladies; we observed -that Bud, amongst others, was quite embarrassed by them. She was too -well bred, however, to allow him to perceive her vexations, though I -must say I think there is is such a thing as carrying complaisance and -self-abnegation too far. - -The scientific gentleman with gold spectacles was there, and had an -electrical novelty for us which attracted much attention. At first we -supposed the gentleman named was giving Little Pickle lessons in -skating, for he was directing that youth's movements as he shuffled up -and down the hearth-rug in his slippered feet. Rather jealous for the -credit of our pupil, we informed the spectacles that there was nothing -in the way of skating he could teach Master Pickle, he being already a -proficient in that art. To which he only replied: - -"Put your knuckle to his nose." - -Rather staggered by this request, which savored somewhat of the ruder -style of badinage, and the very last thing we expected from the decorous -gentleman of science, we replied, with just a shade of hauteur: - -"Sir?" - -"Put your knuckle to his nose." - -"Really, I do not comprehend you." - -"Put your finger to his nose and you will get a shock." - -All this time Little Pickle was sliding and _slithering_ up and down the -rug in a manner highly calculated to wear out that costly piece of -furniture. - -"You perceive," continued spectacles, in an explanatory way, "that he -has slippers on his feet. By keeping his feet in close contact with the -rug, and rubbing them violently up and down, he generates electricity in -his body to such an extent that he can transmit quite a sensible shock -to another person.[2] Now try!" - - [2] The spark emitted is sufficiently powerful to light a - jet of gas. - -We tried. Tick! A most unmistakable spark passed from the nose of L. P. -to our knuckle. - -The guests now began to crowd round, applying their knuckles to the poor -boy's nose to that extent that it grew quite red, which, combined with a -trifling unsteadiness his legs acquired from the unusual exertion, gave -the dear boy quite a _groggy_ appearance. Indeed, we observed his mother -soon after draw him towards her and, stooping down, whisper something in -his ear, at which he colored up, shook his head, and replied quickly, -"No, only lemonade." - -The scientific person, who was really a very amiable gentleman after -all, taught us during the evening to make quite a curious little toy--to -wit, a miniature camera. Having enlisted the services of Little Pickle, -he procured a small pill-box, a minute fragment about half an inch -square of broken looking-glass, and a fragment of beeswax. He first -bored a small hole in the centre of the lid of the pill-box and another -in the side; he then, with the aid of the beeswax, stuck the piece of -the mirror across the bottom of the box at an angle of forty-five -degrees to the axis of the disc of the box, so that by looking through -one hole he could see objects through the other hole, thus enabling a -person to look behind him. We feel that this description is not very -clear, and yet for the life of us we do not know how to make it clearer. -The best plan for the reader will be to look well at the diagrams -showing the inside and outside of the camera, get the wax, glass, and -pill-box, and then _potter_ about with them till he gets it right. - -[Illustration] - -Camera led the conversation in our corner of the room to the subject of -optical illusions, when some one of course suggested the hat experiment. -There is probably nothing the proportions of which are so deceptive as a -hat. Reader, if you have never tried the experiment, take a stick and -point out on the wall how high you think a hat would reach from the -floor if placed on its crown, as represented in our sketch. - -[Illustration] - -Aunty Delluvian, the first to try, took the stick and boldly measured -off a distance of between two and three feet, and utterly laughed to -scorn the moderate persons who satisfied themselves with ten inches. -After each of the measurements was marked with a pencil, and the hat -itself put beside them, showing every one to be wrong, Aunty's -amazement knew no bounds. Indeed, she would not be satisfied till we -brought our own hat to convince her that some deception had not been -practised. - -This was Aunty Delluvian's first visit to the Adams', having only -recently been introduced through the agency of Nix. I was, therefore, -not unprepared for some criticism on our friends; but when the good -lady, towards the close of the evening, took us to one side and said -confidentially and emphatically, nodding her head at the same time -knowingly, "No flippery, flummery. I like her!" we were a little -surprised, the statement was so emphatic and yet so vague. That was all -she said, walking away briskly when she had so delivered herself, as -though she had rendered a final verdict. To which of the family did she -refer? To Mrs. Adams, we presume, and yet she might have said something -about the other members of the family. She is a queer creature is Aunty -Delluvian. - -We are disposed to think that the ART of entertaining is rarely if ever -regarded as an ART, and certainly never treated as such. We, however, on -this occasion, laid our plans and arranged our forces with as much care -and skill as a general exercises in laying out a campaign. We have as -profound a respect for a good commissary as ever did Napoleon Bonaparte. -We had our reserve, too, and our signal corps, so that should the battle -waver at any moment, it might be immediately set going again. Amongst -other resources, we had a number of surprise pictures concealed in a -certain place, which were to be produced when occasion might require. -One of these will be found on opposite page, and comprises fifteen faces -in one. Pictures of this kind always amuse, and are fine provocatives of -conversation. - -[Illustration: FIFTEEN FACES IN ONE.--_See page 229._] - -Reader, when you give a party, do not bring your entire force into -action at first; always have a reserve to fall back upon. - -We saw a whole group which was showing alarming symptoms of -demoralization rallied with a pocket-handkerchief. Nix saw the -emergency, drew his handkerchief, tied one end round the tip of his -finger, on which, with a few dots of the pen, he had indicated a comic -face, and threw himself into the dispirited crew, exclaiming: - -"This is Rantepolefungus, the mysterious magician of Morocco." Then, in -a feigned voice: - -[Illustration] - -[Illustration] - -"How do, pretty ladee and gentlemen? Me tell fortune, work spell, makee -incantation. Me tell you fortune, pretty missee; you be, by-a-by, sixt -wife great street contractor; favorite wife, he givee dust-cart full of -greeny-back; much lovee you; cut off head of all other wife, makee you -much happy; he givee you large gold ring big's flour-barrel to wear in -your nosee, and six whiskey cocktails every morning. Pretty ladee, give -great magician buckshees," and a whole string of other nonsense, the -little Moor moving his head and hands all the time, suiting the action -to the words. - -The sketches opposite will show how the Moor is made. - -As we walked home with Nix, smoking our cigars, we agreed that the party -had been managed with consummate generalship. As we parted, he asked us -if we should like to have a small statue of Vishnu? Wonder what he -meant. - - - - -CHAPTER XX. - - -Those red and green lights which lend such a glory to the final tableaux -of fairy pieces on the public stage, can easily be introduced into -private parlor performances. There is no danger in using them; they are -quite inexpensive, and very easily managed. Warning, however, should be -given to all asthmatic persons to vacate the ranch before firing off, as -their fumes are apt to produce unpleasant results. When we first -performed the play of _Bullywingle the Beloved_, the red light was -calculated on as a startling feature of the performance. At the proper -moment the match was applied, the combustibles behaved handsomely, -everybody was entranced, all save one unfortunate gentleman, subject to -asthma, who created quite a sensation by rushing out of the house in a -choking condition, and remaining speechless in the snow for over twenty -minutes. - -The mode of working these lights is to place one of the powders, for -which we shall presently give you prescriptions, in an iron shovel, and -apply a lighted match. The powder will begin to burn slowly, emitting a -bright red or green light, accompanied by volumes of smoke. Before -exhibiting these lights, all others in the room, gas or lamps, should be -turned down as low as possible. - -If the operator stands behind the scenes, so as to be out of sight -during the performance, the effect is what Artemus Ward would call -_Trooly Grand_. - -In order to procure the lights, go to some druggist and give him the -following prescriptions. He will procure the necessary materials and mix -them for you. - - -RED FIRE. - -Forty parts of dry nitrate of strontian, thirteen parts of finely -powdered sulphur, five parts of chlorate of potash, and four parts of -sulphuret of antimony. The chlorate of potash and sulphuret of antimony -should be powdered separately in a mortar, and then mixed together on -paper; after which they may be added to the other ingredients, -previously powdered and mixed. - - -GREEN FIRE. - -Green fire, when burned in a reflector, sheds a beautiful light on all -surrounding objects. Take of flour of sulphur thirteen parts, of nitrate -of baryta seventy-seven, of oxymuriate of potassa five, of metallic -arsenic two, of charcoal three. The nitrate of baryta should be well -dried and powdered; it should then be mixed with the other ingredients, -all finely pulverized, and the whole triturated until perfectly blended -together. A little calamine may be occasionally added, in order to make -the compound slower of combustion; and it is above all things requisite -that the rubbing together of the materials should be continued until -they are completely mixed. - -It may so happen that in some of your parlor theatricals you may wish to -introduce a storm, so we will tell you how to manage it. - -There are several elements in a storm which can be counterfeited. - - Thunder. - Snow. - The sound of rain or hail. - Lightning. - Wind. - -The noise of thunder is produced by shaking a sheet of iron behind the -scenes. The sheet should be about three feet square, and can be procured -at any stove store. - -Snow can be represented by throwing handfuls of small scraps of paper -from above. - -It is best to mount on a chair or step-ladder behind the scenes, and -strew them down in the proper direction. The scraps of paper should be -of course white and _torn_, not cut, of the requisite size. - -The sound of rain or hail is produced thus: Get the carpenter to make -for you a box, from eight to twelve feet in length, and of about four -inches inside diameter; put in a couple of handfuls of dried peas, and -then fasten up the box; when you wish to make rain, tilt up one end of -the box and let the peas run down to the other end, then reverse the box -and let them run back again. As long as you continue to do this you will -have an excellent imitation of rain, at least as far as the sound is -concerned. - -Lightning is imitated by having a lamp in a box; whenever you want to -produce a flash, open the lid suddenly and close it again. Of course all -the other lights in the room must have been previously lowered. - -Wind. Sufficient wind to blow about the flakes of snow can be produced -with a very large fan, a wooden frame with calico stretched over it -being as good as anything. But to simulate the effects of a gale, some -other means must be adopted. - -[Illustration] - -We will assume that the curtain rises on a storm scene; thunder and hail -are heard, and fitful flashes of lightning illumine the landscape. Enter -a wandering female, a little girl, we will presume, in search of -shelter; as she walks on to the stage leaning forward as though -struggling against the blast, her shawl and dress are violently agitated -by the wind. To produce this effect attach two or three strong threads -to the garments named, and at the proper time jerk and pull them with a -tremulous motion, to impart the natural action. The preceding diagram -will illustrate our meaning. - -These instructions may be found useful to amateur players, and will -certainly heighten the effect of the performance when they can be -introduced. - -There is another point in connection with _make-up_ to which we may as -well call the reader's attention before closing this chapter. All -persons, no matter how ruddy their complexions may be, look pale or -sallow under the influence of the bright light necessary to illuminate a -stage; to counteract this effect it is absolutely necessary to rouge, or -in other words, paint the cheeks pink; a little carmine from your -paint-box will serve for this purpose, if you have not the regular rouge -powder on hand. - - - - -CHAPTER XXI. - - -It is marvellous how much amusement, in a quiet way, can be got out of a -pair of scissors and a piece of card-board. Moreover, if the fingers be -plump and white, we know of no position in which they look more -tantalizingly bewitching, than when harnessed like a couple of white -mice in the iron yoke of a pair of liliputian shears. We have passed -many a pleasant evening in contemplating and cutting. On one occasion -which we remember well, as it led to sudden and unexpected matrimony of -a valued friend, we sat till twelve o'clock at night and used up a whole -pack of cards, except the jack of diamonds, in making boomerangs and -other mechanical notions. The boomerang we have already introduced to -our readers, and some of the other contraptions we shall now proceed to -explain. So scare up all the cards you can, and bring out your army of -scissors. - -[Illustration] - -One card puzzle we have often tried, and with which most persons are -familiar, is that of the cross. You cut out of card or stiff paper, five -pieces similar in shape and size to the following, viz. one piece of -fig. 1, one piece of fig. 2, and three pieces of fig. 3. - -These five pieces you put together so as to make a cross like Figure 4. - -[Illustration] - -If you cannot solve the problem, look at the following cut, and you will -cease to be puzzled. - -[Illustration] - -Now we will try another card puzzle. Cut a piece of card or paper in the -shape of a horse-shoe, and mark on it the places for the nails as -represented in the subjoined sketch. - -The puzzle is with two cuts to divide it into six parts, each part -containing one nail. - -Of course you cannot do it; we could not do it ourselves, and had to get -the white mice to show us the way. - -Somehow or another we never can find out anything with half a dozen -taper fingers fluttering before our eyes. They bewilder us terribly, -getting between the feet of our ideas, so to speak, and tripping us up; -as young lambs might serve an awkward shepherd. - -Well, the mystery is solved thus: you cut off the upper circular part, -containing two of the nails; then by changing the position of the piece, -another cut will divide the horse-shoe into six portions, each -containing one nail. - -[Illustration] - -The next trick is of a slightly different style. Cut two pieces of card -like those represented in the diagram and place them in the position -represented; the problem is, with a small stick or lead-pencil, to -raise them from the table, without of course touching them with your -fingers. You may try this as often as you like. If you succeed, well and -good; if you do not, you can come back here and refer to the solution. - -[Illustration] - -Here is a picture (No. 2) representing the way in which it is done; need -we add anything in the way of explanation? We think not--so we won't do -it. - - - - -CHAPTER XXII. - - -Nix has a sister married to a wealthy leather merchant, whose place of -business is in that odoriferous part of New York city called The Swamp. -She is very beautiful, so we call her the _Swamp Angel_, and her -husband's counting-house, _Araby the Blest_. Her children we have -christened _Findings_, the youngest being always spoken of as the -_last_. We have numerous jokes, of course, about the _cobbler sticking -to his last_, the _best quality of calf_, and so on. She is very -good-natured, and enjoys our badinage heartily, having a healthy vein of -fun of her own, which transmutes all the little events of domestic life -into the most refined humor. We like humor in a woman, or we should -rather say in a gentlewoman; her culture and the natural tact peculiar -to her sex, seem to eliminate any of those grosser particles which the -coarse sensibilities of a man would not detect. Humor is as fascinating -in a woman as sarcasm is abominable; it requires the very highest -breeding to make the latter quality moderately safe in the hands of -young women. For our own part, we would rather see a woman chew tobacco -than hear her say sharp things. However, this is a digression. Mrs. -Crofton, as we said, is very fond of fun, and in her house there is that -perfect ease and abandon which can only be enjoyed by well-bred people; -whoever visits there is at home; and a favored few, of whom the writer -has the honor of being one, are treated quite as _enfants de famille_. - -If, on calling, we find the heads of the house from home, we know where -the claret and cigars are kept. Cicero, the negro waiter, obeying -standing orders, promptly serves up some repast, and presses the -hospitality of the house upon us with all the aplomb and grace for which -his race are remarkable. - -We drop into breakfast whenever we feel so disposed, and invite -ourselves to dinner or tea as freely as though our friends kept a hotel; -indeed we jocularly call their mansion by various public names: "The -Crofton House," "Fifth Avenue Hotel," "The Shoe and Leather House," -etc., etc. We have perpetrated more sheer, downright nonsense in their -saloons than any forty strait-laced country school-children ever -condescended to commit in their rural play-ground. - -One day during the holidays, when some fourteen or fifteen friends had -dropped in _quite promiscuous_, and were playing all kinds of tricks, a -certain gentleman, imported from England, an officer in the Guards, -genus Swell, "pwoposed" that we should play the _Muffin man_. As none of -us had ever heard of this gentleman or the muffin business, there was a -general cry for light. - -"Oh, its vewy jolly, I asshua yaw. We all sit wound in a wing, yaw know, -and one of us, yaw know, sings: - - "'Do yaw know the muffin man, - Do yaw know his name, - Do yaw know the muffin man, - That lives in Cwumpet Lane.' - -Then the next person answers: - - "'Oh, yes, I know the muffin man, - Oh, yes, I know the muffin man, - Oh, yes, I know the muffin man, - Who lives in Cwumpet[3] Lane.' - -Then he turns to the next person, and when each person has sung his -verse, yaw know, he then joins in the cawus,[4] until it has gone all -wound;[5] then, yaw know, we all sing together: - - "'We all know the muffin man, - We all know his name; - We all know the muffin man, - Who lives in Cwumpet Lane.' - -The game is, yaw know, to keep a gwave[6] face all the time. If yaw -laugh yaw pay a forfeit." - -"The muffin man, the muffin man," echoed half a dozen voices; "let us -play the muffin man." - - [3] This word means Crumpet. - - [4] This word means Chorus. - - [5] Round. - - [6] Grave. - -The proposition being carried _nem. con._, we all sat "wound in a wing," -or round in a ring, a circle of individuals of every age from three up -to seventy. The Englishman, as head instigator, started the game, but -before he got half through his verse we were all in convulsions of -laughter; the next person took it up, but it was utterly useless to -think of collecting the forfeits; we were all, in spite of every effort, -like a party of maniacs reeling in our seats with merriment. There was -something so utterly idiotic and absurd in a large party of respectable, -rational beings, congratulating themselves in song that they "knew the -muffin man of Crumpet Lane." - -The English swell was immediately made an honorary member of our order, -which is, as yet, without a name. - -As we had all laughed our throats dry, Mr. Crofton invited us into the -next room to _see a man_, as the Immortal Artemus delicately expresses -it, so we all went in and saw the man. Some of us saw him in ice claret, -some in hot punch, and some in cool champagne. One of Crofton's -children, a maiden aged three years, whom they called Toney, as the -diminutive of her Christian name, Antonia, came toddling in with the -rest and said: - -"Me, Nooni, want see man." Whereupon her father gave her a goblet of -lemonade. She just tasted it, and handed it back with supreme contempt, -saying: - -"Me, Nooni, want banny wasser;" which being translated into English -means: - -"Me, Toney, wants brandy and water." - -The little voluptuary was satisfied with a glass of weak claret punch. - -During this conversation, Bub, a patriarch of five years, who had been -looking on with a very patronizing air, now came forward, and laying his -hand on his sister's shoulder, lisped out: - -"Oh, you tunnen witty sing, zats nice banny water." Then turning to us -in a confidential way, he continued: "She's a witty durl (little girl); -she finks (thinks) zats banny water; banny water make witty durls fick -(sick); me, big boy, banny water not make me fick." - -We gave him a nondescript drink, flavored with every liquor on the -table, which made him feel immensely proud. - -"Let us play at earth, air, fire, and water," said Mrs. Crofton. - -"Very well, Toney," answered her husband. "You can play at earth, and I -will play with the fire-water." So saying, he filled himself a glass of -punch, and stretched his limbs in an easy-chair. - -"I think my husband is the laziest fellow living," laughed Mrs. Crofton. -"I do believe if I were being carried off by wild Indians, he would make -a note of it in his memorandum book, to have his porter attend to the -matter next day." - -Nix here interposed: "Dear, dear, these family quarrels are very -painful. Come, Toney, and help to amuse the young people. Earth, air, -fire, and water, whatever that may be, is the order of the day. How do -you play it, Toney?" - -"You all sit round the room, and then one of the party throws something -at one of the others, at the same time naming one of the elements, -earth, or air, or fire, or water; then he begins to count one, two, -three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, and before he says ten, the -person struck must name some animal living in the element chosen." - -"Well, but what do you throw at the person?" inquired Nix; "a bureau, or -decanter, for instance?" - -"No, no; something small and soft, like a pair of gloves, or--or--oh, I -know, wait a minute and I will run up-stairs and get the baby's worsted -ball; that will be just the thing." - -While Mrs. Crofton was absent, and she was detained rather longer than -her mission seemed to warrant, Nix, in poking about in his sister's -work-basket in pursuit of mischief, discovered a piece of white beeswax. - -"Eureka!" he exclaimed, "I have it; we will play Toney a trick before -she comes back; we will make her think some one has broken her new -mirror." - -Saying this, he advanced to a large pier-glass between the windows, and -marked on it a huge star with the white wax something like the -accompanying diagram, and then instructed one or two of us to make -lamentations over it when his sister should return. We had not to wait -long: in a few minutes Mrs. C. entered the room, whereupon we -conspirators set to work gesticulating, and talking over the supposed -catastrophe. - -"Dear! dear!" said one, "how unfortunate!" - -"How did it happen?" queried a second. - -[Illustration] - -"I really don't know," answered a third. "I merely heard a crash, -and----" - -Here the lady came on the scene, looking quite flushed. - -"I knew you children would be in some mischief," she said, "while I was -away. I suppose this is some of my clumsy brother's work. He never comes -into the house without destroying something." - -"I'm very sorry," whined Nix, contritely; "it was quite an accident, I -assure you; but I wonder whether it could not be mended?" - -"Mended! you goose," exclaimed his sister. "Who ever heard of mending a -broken mirror! It will take a pretty big cheque on your banker to mend -that, sir." - -"I am not so sure of that," replied Nix. "If it is not very bad I -might----any way I will try." Suiting the action to the words, he -advanced towards the mirror in such a position that his sister could not -see what he did, and very deliberately wiped out the wax marks with his -pocket-handkerchief. The astonishment of Mrs. C. at this miracle knew no -bounds, nor could the gift of any amount of new pier-glasses have given -her more pleasure. - -"Now, then, all take your seats; we are going to play earth, air, fire, -and water." - -The circle is formed; our hostess holds the woollen ball poised in her -hand for an instant, and then sends it flying into the bosom of a -grey-haired old gentleman, at the same time uttering the word "air," and -commencing to count rapidly, "one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, -eight, nine, ten." The old gentleman seemed utterly paralysed until she -had finished counting, when he stammered out, "Wh--h--h--h--h--PIG!" -amidst the roars of laughter of every one present. Of course he had to -pay a forfeit, and took his turn at throwing the ball. - -No one who has not seen this game played can conceive how ludicrous it -is, or how much good wholesome laughter may be got out of it. When a -sufficient number of forfeits had accumulated, they were cried in the -usual manner. A good deal of ingenuity was displayed in awarding the -tasks as well as in executing them. One was that the owner of this -"pretty thing" should make an impromptu containing the names of every -one in the room, and was managed in the following style: - - "Three Howards--Corsey, Toney, Archibald, and Nix, - Bub, Brown, Campbell, Jim and Jane have got me in a fix." - -Another task imposed was, that the owner of a cigar-case should give us -a riddle no one could solve. Going into the next room, this person -procured a glass of wine, and holding it up said: "Gentlemen, I give you -'the ladies.'" No one attempted to solve this riddle. Another gentleman -was ordered to point out the greatest goose in the room. This delicate -task he set about performing in the following manner: he went to one -young lady and asked her to hold up her face to the light, which she -did, whereupon he imprinted a chaste salute on her lips; he then went to -the next, but she persisted in holding down her head. He then turned -round to his tasker and said: "Really it is impossible for me to -determine which are the geese if they will not allow me to examine -their bills." He was let off. - -When all the forfeits were restored, even to little Toney's -pocket-handkerchief, which she recovered by throwing herself into her -papa's arms and hugging him round the neck, as the _prettiest_, and -_wittiest_, and _one she loved best_, we all adjourned to broiled -oysters and chicken salad. - - - - -CHAPTER XXIII. - - -A few days ago when the blistering sun had converted the whole of New -York city into one vast bake-oven, Nix called at our office, and -proposed a flying trip to a certain watering-place. We will not mention -its name for fear of incurring the suspicion of writing puffs. It was, -however, sufficiently unfashionable to be tolerably comfortable. In -order to reach our destination we took an early steamboat, leaving New -York at six o'clock in the morning. With what intense satisfaction we -became conscious of possessing lungs as we inhaled the cool air which -had been washing itself all night in the great waves of the Atlantic -ocean, or sleeping among the pine-woods of Delaware and New Jersey. -There is nothing surely which makes one feel more grateful for the gift -of life than to breathe the early morning air, laden with the perfume -of salt-water. On this occasion the bracing atmosphere gave a relish to -everything. The crisp broiled ham, the clam-fritters, and even the -miserable coffee we had for breakfast on board, all tasted like food -worthy of the gods. And as for our cigars (genuine Havanas) which -followed the meal, their incense fairly sent us up to the seventh heaven -of delight. But our business is to write on the _Art of Amusing_, and -although an early steamboat trip may be one of the most enjoyable of -things, it scarcely comes within the sphere of our work. - -When we arrived at the hotel, we found the lady guests were in process -of organizing a fair for the benefit of the sufferers by the great -Portland fire. - -Nix rushed into the enterprise with his usual enthusiasm; and by that -evening, when the fair commenced, had fully qualified himself to start -in business as a Three-sticks-a-penny-man. This plebeian pastime he had -picked up at some English race or fair he had once visited, and now -attempted with considerable success to acclimatize in America. His first -step was to go to the village store and purchase a number of penknives, -jack-knives, pincushions, tobacco-boxes, and similar contraptions. His -second care was to cut half-a-dozen hickory-sticks or wands, of about -four feet six inches in length, and of the thickness of your middle -finger--that is, if you are blest with as spacious a paw as ourself; if -not, we feel at a loss how to convey to your mind an approximate idea of -the measurement. But suppose you take any healthy Irish day-laborer, and -make his third finger the standard, not the part where the knobs are, -but the spaces between them. Well, Nix cut six sticks of about the -thickness of a healthy Irish day-laborer's third finger, in the spaces -between the joints or knobs. He then cut a dozen other sticks of about -the thickness of anybody's wrist, and about two feet long. Good! When he -wished to commence operations on the fair-ground he selected a piece of -level turf, and on one side of it dug six holes about the size of the -late Daniel Webster's hat; these holes he half filled with sand, and in -the centre of every hole he then stuck one of the sticks of _about_ the -thickness of a healthy Irish, etc., etc. Then on the top of each stick -he balanced a jack-knife, pin-cushion, or some other object of more or -less value. Now all his preparations were completed. He was prepared to -receive customers. Standing in a commanding attitude, at a distance of -about thirty feet from the arrangement we have described, he cried out -in truly English style: - -"Now, ladies and gents, ere yer are--three sticks a penny. Any lady or -gent wishin to make a immediate fortin, and marry the being of his art -on the result, have only to invest a few dollars in my establishment, -and he will retire wealthy in arf a nour. Here, ladies and gents, look -at these ere sticks" (holding up one of the clubs about the thickness of -anybody's wrist), "hall you ave to do is to throw one of these ere at -them there" (pointing to the pincushions, etc.); "hany article you knock -orf is yourn, provided it don't fall inter the ole. Now, all I charge -you for the priviledge orf throwin' three of these sticks, is the -radicerlously small sum of ten cents. You are sure to win five dollars -each time. Now, walk up; walk up, and take yer chance, and make yer -everlastin fortin; marry the hobject of yer haffections, and build yer -pallatial willa on the Udson." - -Here a courageous youth stepped up, examined the whole arrangement -minutely, and concluded to invest ten cents. Fortunately for Nix and the -cause this youth knocked off a dollar jack-knife at the first throw. The -consequence was an immense rush of patronage; indeed, the sport became -so exciting that two similar establishments could have been kept in -active operation. As it was, Nix cleared fifty-four dollars over and -above all expenses for the good of the fair, and the benefit of the poor -folks of Portland. - -One of Nix's most profitable customers was a good-natured flashy young -man of the wholesale dry-goods pattern, who appeared each day in some -new shade of mustard-colored clothing, from the delicate yellow of -freshly mixed pure Durham to the rich tones of stale German. He told us -in confidence that he had intended to go to Saratoga, but the _old -gentleman_ and _old lady_ (his father and mother) had insisted on his -coming down with them to "this d----d hole;" then, suddenly recollecting -that we had all probably come from chance, he added: - -"Oh, this is a very nice place; first-rate; I don't say anything about -that, only I had a party of friends going up to Saratoga, and they'll -expect me; they know there's always fun going on where I am. It don't -make any difference to me whether I spend fifty dollars or five hundred. -I'm bound to have a good time. I appreciate anything; tha's--anything, -you know--tha's got any wit into it, you know. Well, you know, there are -some people who ain't got any idea; don't seem to appreciate, you know. -Now, when I saw you throwin' sticks, well, I piled right in; I didn't -care about it, of course, only I saw what you were doing it for, and I -didn't care. Some people would think it awful vulgar, you know, but I -don't care; that's the sort of man I am. Perhaps I shouldn't have liked -some of my aristocratic lady friends to have seen me; but then down -here, you know. Oh, I'd just as lief have given the money to the fair; -I'd spent thirty dollars before in slippers and things, and then gave -'em back. I didn't want 'em, you know, only I like to see things lively; -there's bound to be fun when I'm round." - -However, we will not follow our good-natured friend through his long -monologue of refined egotism; we merely introduced him because he showed -us a variety of tricks, two of which we think worth recording in our -book on amusements. On the morning after the fair, Nix and ourself, in -company with the mustard-colored aristocrat, took a bath in the ocean. -The aristocrat appeared in the water attired in a sumptuous bathing -dress, smoking a cigar which he told us cost $800 per thousand; which, -he frankly confessed, he thought too high a price for a man to pay for -cigars in these times. He further stated that he relished smoking in the -water very much. To our inquiry whether there was no danger of the waves -putting it out, he replied by informing us that he could dive under -water with a lighted cigar in his mouth without extinguishing it. - -"D'you see that boat there?" he said, pointing to a small scow about a -hundred and fifty yards distant. "Well, I will dive under that; you -watch me, and you will see me come up." We thought there must be some -hoax in the matter, and so kept a strict eye upon his movements. He swam -out to the craft, gave a plunge and a kick, after the manner of ducks in -a pond, disappeared, and came up on the other side, calmly puffing his -weed. Never having seen or heard of the feat before, Nix and ourself -were what the ancient Greeks used to call _flabbergasterd_. When he had -enjoyed his triumph and our bewilderment for a few minutes, he showed us -how it was done; simply by putting the lighted end of the cigar in his -mouth just before going under water, that was all. He added: "I will -show you something better if you will come up to the shooting-gallery -after we get through bathing. Did you ever see a man ring the bell with -his back to the target?" - -Arrived at the shooting-gallery, our young friend procured a mirror -which he hung on the wall opposite the target, then placing himself in -front of the former, with his back to the latter, he held the pistol -over his shoulder and took aim, looking at the image of the pistol in -the glass as if it were the pistol itself; that is, in such a manner -that the reflection of the object was covered by the reflection of the -pistol; he then fired, and came within an inch of the bull's-eye. - -When we got back to the hotel he amused us by setting fire to a glass of -alcohol with a burning glass. He placed a silver dollar (a red cent -would have answered as well) in the spirit, and then directed the rays -of the sun through the burning-glass on the metal; in an instant the -liquid was all ablaze. - -In the afternoon this same youth called us all to enjoy a trick he had -played upon the _old gentleman_. - -The _old gentleman_, it appeared, was engaged in reading Macaulay's -History of England, and like a methodical old gentleman, whenever he -laid down the book, marked the place where he left off. On the day in -question his son had abstracted his book from its accustomed place, and -painted on the page following the one he was, reading a very excellent -imitation of a fly. At his usual hour the old gentleman was seen to put -on his spectacles, and take up the book; all those in the secret were of -course on hand; presently he came to the passage on which appeared the -counterfeit fly; the old gentleman shook the book, but the fly stirred -not; then he blew at it; then he laid down the volume, and deliberately -taking out his handkerchief, made a pass at the offending insect with -that weapon, replaced his handkerchief, settled his glasses, took up -the book again, but to his utter surprise the fly still remained. A -light seemed now to dawn on him--the fly had got crushed between the -leaves--so he essayed to remove it with his finger-nail; here his -hopeful offspring could stand it no longer, and burst into a roar of -laughter, in which several others joined. When the joke was explained to -the worthy victim, he said: "Now, that's very good, isn't it; very good. -I made sure it was a real fly, as true as you live. Look here, wife; -look at this, some of Master Tom's doing; good, ain't it; as true as you -live, that's a fact. Ah! Ha!"[7] - - [7] We have since seen a somewhat similar trick played by painting - a fly on the face of a watch or inside the glass. - -Later in the evening Young Hopeful horrified a circle of ladies by -discovering at their feet a huge spider; in the midst of their shrieks -and exclamations a courageous gentleman with large whiskers stepped -forward to crush the intruder, raised his foot, and brought it down -firmly, but staggered back astounded--the creature had exploded with a -loud report, conveying an idea of vindictiveness and power truly -appalling. The young gentleman took us aside and explained the mystery, -at the same time producing from his pocket a small box containing some -half-dozen similar spiders. - -"I have them made on purpose for me," he said. "A German porter in our -store first put me up to it, and I told him to set to work and make me -as many as he liked, and charge me any price he chose. I tell ye, that -Dutchman thinks I'm a great boy. I pay him about five dollars a week for -spiders; well, you know, that's a good deal for a man like him; only -gets twelve dollars a week in the store." - -We examined the specimen carefully, and found it was constructed very -much on the plan of the torpedoes used by children on the Fourth of -July; only the paper was brown and a little thicker, and there were legs -of fine wire attached, which gave it a very lifelike and spidery -appearance. The Dutchman had evidently gone into the matter _con amore_, -for he had taken the pains to wash some of his specimens with gum, and -then sprinkle them with wool-dust to produce the appearance of what are -called hairy spiders. About one-third of a grain of fulminating silver -produces the explosion in each. They are very easily made. - -As we steamed back to the great city of New York next day, Nix said he -thought we had made a very good investment of three red-hot days of -mid-summer time. We thought so, too. - - - - -CHAPTER XXIV. - - -We are not a great advocate for arithmetical puzzles as a pastime for -festive occasions, that is to say not as a general rule; but there are -certain tricks of figures which are quite amusing, and some few problems -which from their very simplicity become almost ludicrous. We have seen -many a tolerably wise head puzzled over the question: - -"If a barrel of flour cost thirty-nine dollars thirteen and three -quarter cents, what will a penny loaf come to?" - -And consume considerable time and paper without discovering the obvious -fact, that a penny loaf will of course come to a penny and nothing else. - -We remember, too, an amiable Divine, who tortured his dear old head for -three-quarters of an hour to solve the question: - -"If a shovel, poker, and tongs, cost thirteen dollars forty-three and a -quarter cents, what will a ton of coals come to?" - -And when informed that they would come to ashes, he seemed to feel quite -hurt; and indeed, to labor for some time under a sense of having been -trifled with. When told that it was merely a joke, a little fun, he -replied that he was a great admirer of Don Quixote, could appreciate Gil -Bias, and relished exceedingly the wit of Swift and Sterne; but failed -to perceive the particular humor of our joke about the ton of coals. - -With all due respect for the estimable prelate, we must venture to -differ from him, fortified as we are in our opinion by a young lady, -who, if not a divine herself, has a pair of eyes that are, in whose -company we have solved some of the most intricate arithmetical -jocularities and trivialities, till we were up to the eyes in ink and -love. One we well remember, partly because it gave us so much trouble, -and partly because there was a wild picturesqueness about the subject -which appeals to our imagination. It ran thus: - -A man has a wolf, a goat, and a cabbage, to carry over a river, but he -can only convey them one at a time, his boat being very small. How is he -to manage this, so that the wolf may not be left alone with the goat, -nor the goat with the cabbage? It is obvious if the wolf be left with -the goat, he will eat it up; whilst if the goat be left with the -cabbage, short work will be made of that classic vegetable. - -Oh, how often we crossed and recrossed that river; how often we took the -goat out, and put the wolf in; and how frequently we took out the wolf, -and put in the goat. How we trembled for the poor man, fearing there -could be no alternative for him but to sacrifice either the goat or the -cabbage, or else kill the wolf. How varied and wild were our expedients, -such as throwing the wolf across, sending the cabbage round by express, -digging a tunnel under the bed of the river, forcing the proprietor to -eat the cabbage himself, towing the goat behind the boat, and other -devices too numerous to mention, all of which we were assured, by those -holding the key to the mystery, were altogether inadmissible; and then -when, with humbled pride, we reluctantly _gave it up_, how mad we were -at the simplicity of the solution, which was this: - -He first takes over the goat, and then returns for the wolf; he then -takes back the goat, which he leaves, and takes over the cabbage, he -then returns and takes over the goat All as simple as A, B, C, when _you -know how to do it_; that knowing how to do it is the great difficulty in -ninety-nine out of every hundred things in this world. - -Puzzles which involve long and laborious calculation are not in our -line; they are too suggestive of the school and the country room. -Something like the following is good for skirmishing: - - -PROBLEM. - -Put down four nines, so that they will make one hundred. - -After a short struggle you surrender at discretion, and in an instant -get the - -SOLUTION. - - 99-9/9 - -There is no delay, no tedious figuring up; you get your answer and are -ready for something fresh. Some such abstruse calculation as the -following, for instance: - - -PROBLEM. - -If a herring and a half cost three cents, how many will you get for a -dollar? - -To ladies, who as a general rule have not the organ of calculation very -largely developed, this will usually prove a poser. As the problem is to -be solved by patience and study, we will leave them to do it, _or give -it up_, and proceed to the next - - -PROBLEM. - -A gentleman sent his servant with a present of nine ducks in a box, upon -which was the following direction:-- - - "To Alderman Gobble with IX. ducks." - -The servant, who had more ingenuity than honesty, purloined three of the -ducks, and contrived it so that the number contained in the box -corresponded with that upon the direction. As he neither erased any word -or letter, nor substituted a new direction, how did he so alter it as to -correspond with the contents of the box? - -The dishonest but ingenious servant simply placed the letter S before -the two Roman numerals, IX. The direction then read thus: - - "To Alderman Gobble, with SIX ducks." - -It will be seen that this problem is very easy of solution to every one, -save Artemus Ward, who would spell it _Sicks dux in a bocks_. - -Here is one, however, which would suit the taste, if not the ability, of -the great showman to a nicety: - - -PROBLEM. - -To distribute among three persons twenty-one casks of wine, seven of -them full, seven of them empty, and seven of them half full; so that -each of them shall have the same quantity of wine, and the same number -of casks. - -This problem admits of two solutions, which may be clearly comprehended -by means of the two following tables: - - FIRST SOLUTION. - - _Persons._ _Full casks._ _Empty._ _Half full._ - 1 2 2 3 - 2 2 2 3 - 3 3 3 1 - - SECOND SOLUTION. - - _Persons._ _Full casks._ _Empty._ _Half full._ - 1 3 3 1 - 2 3 3 1 - 3 1 1 5 - -One more problem, and we shall have had enough mathematics for one -chapter. - -[Illustration] - -A figure similar to the preceding can be formed without removing the -pencil from the paper, without crossing any line or retracing any part. -Now set to work and do it. - -If you do not succeed, you may refer to the annexed diagram and -solution. - -[Illustration] - -Draw a line from 1 to 2, 2 to 3, 3 to 4, 4 to 5, 5 to 6, 6 to 1, 1 to 7, -7 to 8, 8 to 9, 9 to 3, 3 to 10, and 10 to 1. - - - - -CHAPTER XXV. - - -We have observed that Tableaux and Charades run in some families, and -that these families are always ready to spend any amount of time and -money to carry out their favorite ideas; we cannot help feeling -considerable admiration for any one having some honest enthusiasm for -any amusement in this toiling age of ours. But our mission is not to -deal much with the costly or complicated. Those who wish to produce -tableaux from Waverley or the Bride of Abydos, who desire to attire -themselves as Mary Queen of Scots, Di Vernon, or Dolly Varden, we leave -to their own devices, giving only our best wishes. There are, however, -charades to be got up on the spur of the moment, which are not less -entertaining than the more elaborate performances to which we allude. We -will mention one or two which have come under our observation during a -chequered existence; they may serve to give the key-note, if nothing -more. - -On the occasion of a certain impromptu party, the lady of the house -begged some of her guests to get up _something_ which would entertain -the rest, some charades, or what not. Two gentlemen consulted for a -moment, and then took up their positions in the back of the parlor, -which represented the stage. One sat down to read, whilst the other -crept up slyly behind him, and much to his dismay turned off the gas. -They then both rose and declared the charade completed, leaving it to -the audience to divine the answer. Whether any one guessed it or not we -do not know--but the answer was Gastric--Gas-trick. - -Another gentleman then stepped into the stage, with a large hat at the -back of his head, and began calling--"Mooley, mooley, mooley; com, com, -mooley. Where kin that keow a poked herself now? she's allers a -concealing of herself somewheres or another--mooley," etc., - -His riddle was now concluded, and he desired the audience to give him -the answer. - -The answer was _Cow-hiding_. - -A famous physician and wit was the next to come forward, accompanied by -a friend. They took positions in opposite corners of the room, advanced -towards each other, and as they passed, the friend said to the doctor, -"How do, Doctor?" To the surprise of all, they declared the charade -completed. No one could guess it, of course; the answer was -_metaphysician_, met-a-physician. - -Again they took their positions precisely as before, announcing that -they were about to give another charade. Again they walked across the -room, and as they passed, one said to the other, "How do, again?" This -was the conclusion of the second charade; quite as puzzling as the -first, only more so. The answer was _metaphor_--met-afore. This -absurdity was received with roars of laughter and thunders of applause. - -Charades of this kind, we are inclined to think, give more real pleasure -after all, than the studied, costly elaborations. They are perhaps not -so pretty; but, ye gods! where there are pretty women, what else could -mortal man desire in the way of beauty! - - - - -CHAPTER XXVI. - - -A certain young lady with whom we are acquainted has discovered a new -art, which seems to absorb a great portion of her being. It is a method -by which almost anything may be transmuted into coral. The consequence -of this discovery is that the English-basement house in which the maid -in question dwells, is converted into a perfect mermaid's grotto. We -told her so the other day, since which she has called us her Triton; and -further intimated that in order to preserve the fitness of things, we -might invite her to an oyster supper at Delmonico's. This hint we took -with the avidity of a pickerel; but alas for the fickleness of woman, -and our visions of marine happiness, the damsel changed her position and -absolutely declined accepting our hospitality, even to the extent of a -shrimp. - -It is marvellous what very poor jokes afford rich amusement, when they -are passed amongst intimate friends. When we called the lady in -question, South Coral-ina, every one present seemed quite amused; indeed -only one person, an obnoxious individual with large whiskers, seemed to -resent it at all:--but now that the title by frequent repetition has -assumed the character of a nickname, it is always received as an -exquisite piece of humor. Numerous ramifications of this subject afford -us endless themes for badinage. - -We profess to ridicule the idea that involuntary servitude is abolished, -when South Coral-ina holds ourselves and so many others in slavery. She -retorts by calling us Neptune, and asking after the telegraph cable. -When this badinage had been going on for some time, our friend Nix -played quite a pretty hoax on the ladies. He arrived one evening with a -somewhat dirty-looking basket on his arm filled with oysters. This was -rather an inelegant thing to bring into the parlor, and naturally -excited some surprise; but when he began to take out the grimy-looking -bivalves, and one by one, hand them round to the ladies, there was a -commotion bordering on indignation; the first lady declined to receive -so plebeian a gift, whereupon Nix took a penknife from his pocket and -opened it; revealing the inside lined with rich velvet, and bearing -some trinket made of gold and pearls. This was in payment of a bet of an -oyster supper which he had playfully made with and purposely lost to one -of the ladies. - -But to revert to our Coral. We often aided the fair mermaid in her -manufactures, making sprays of coral nearly as large as in currant -bushes, coral walking-canes, coral ear-rings, pen racks, paper weights, -and other useful articles. We converted into coral--walnuts, small -mud-turtles, birds' claws, sea-shells, and indeed almost everything on -which we could lay our hands. Finally we took paterfamilias' felt hat -one night and gave it a couple of coats of scarlet varnish, much to the -astonishment of that good gentleman when he wished to put it on next -morning. - -The mode of making these coral ornaments is, of course, very simple; -otherwise it would not find a place in this book: - - -RECEIPT. - -To two drachms of fine vermilion, add one ounce of clear resin, and melt -them together; paint the object with this mixture while hot, and then -hold it over a gentle fire till it is perfectly covered and smooth. - -To make sprays of coral you should procure some twigs of thorn; peel and -dry, before painting with the varnish. - -The Nix gift of pearls has set all the ladies to work on a new -idea--painting pictures in oil-colors on the inside of oyster shells; -these are mostly marine subjects where the natural hues of the shell -supply the requisite tints for the clouds and water. One of these little -works represented a fish, where the sheen of the mother-of-pearl gave a -marvellously natural effect to the scales and gills. - -They have also taken to making pictures on egg-shells in water-colors, -which are very pretty. One egg they tattooed all over with pen-and-ink -arabesque, and emblazoned with crimson and gold. It looks very handsome, -though possibly of not quite so much practical use as a locomotive or a -reaping-machine. Still, let us always remember that quotation from -Goethe: - -"_Encourage the beautiful, the useful will take care of itself!_" - -To which we might add a paraphrase of our own: - -"Encourage the amusing, the dreary will take care of itself." - -For our own part we have serious ideas of organizing a SOCIETY FOR THE -ENCOURAGEMENT OF AMUSEMENT. We firmly believe that judicious and -rational amusement tends more to make men _healthy_, _wealthy_, _and -wise_, than ever did early rising, for which, nevertheless, we have -profoundest respect. - - - - -CHAPTER XXVII. - - -To those who are fond of charades, and indeed to all those good people -who love to be merry, we commend what the French call _charades en -action_, or pantomime charades. These charades, as the name indicates, -are acted, not spoken. The great rule to be observed is silence, nothing -more than an exclamation being allowed. In extreme cases, where it is -utterly impossible to convey the idea by actions, a placard may be -introduced bearing some helpful inscription, as in the case of Mr. Cuffy -(in the charade on carpet which we shall presently give), who draws from -his bosom a monster letter from Mr. Swab, which he displays to the -audience. In addition to the information it conveys, the production of -this preposterously large note is calculated to create a laugh. - -The chief merit in a charade actor is inventive ingenuity in so, -adapting the domestic adjuncts of an ordinary household as to supply -the place of necessary theatrical properties and wardrobe. We have seen -a very respectable Richard Coeur de Lion made up of the tinware of an -ordinary cooking-range; and Queen Elizabeth, frill, hair and all, out of -a few copies of the _Daily Tribune_. We have known a steam fire-engine -to be manufactured out of a baby's crib and a tea-kettle; and Bunker -Hill monument from two chairs, a fishing-rod, and a sheet. Those who -have followed us so far through these pages, have gone through a good -course of study, and will start with great advantages in the pursuit of -charade-acting. - -For the convenience of our clients we add a list of words which may be -acted as charades. - - -LIST OF CHARADE WORDS. - - Accent Axe--cent. - Accident Axe--sigh--dent. - Altar Awl--tar. - Artful Art--full. - Apex Ape--X. - Bagpipe Bag--pipe. - Bandage Band--age. - Bedlam Bed--lamb. - Bustard Bust--tarred. - Behead Bee--head. - Blacksmith Black--smith. - Bulrush Bull--rush. - Buttress Butt--tress. - Catsup Cat--sup. - Carboy Car--boy. - Corselet Course--let. - Cribbage Crib--age. - Crossbow Cross--beau. - Cutlass Cut--lass. - Cartel Car--Tell (William). - Cartoon Cart--tune! - Cashier Cash--ear. - Dolphin Doll--fin. - Donkey Don--key. - Ductile Duck--tile. - Definite Deaf--inn--night - Footpad Foot--pad. - Flatten Flat--ten. - Gastric Gas--trick. - Gallic Gall--lick. - Hamlet Ham--let. - Handcuff Hand--cuff. - Hartshorn Hearts--horn. - Hemlock Hem--lock. - Henpeck Hen--peck. - Humbug Hum--bug. - Humdrum Hum--drum. - Idol Eye--doll. - Ill-bred Ill--bread. - Instep Inn--step. - Implore Imp--lore. - Invest Inn--vest. - Incite Inn--sight. - Jackal Jack--awl. - Jury Jew--rye. - Sappet Sap--pet. - Linch-pin Linch--pin. - Loadstone Load--stone. - Mastiff Ma--stiff. - Messmate Mess--mate. - Mistake Miss--take. - Muffin Muff--fin. - Nightmare Night--mare. - Nightshade Night--shade. - Outfit Out--fit. - Pardon Pa--don. - Payday Pay--dey. - Phantom Fan--tom. - Picnic Pick--nick. - Pilot Pie--lot. - Pollute Poll--lute. - Puppet Pup--pet. - Prior Pry--oar. - Ringlet Wring--let. - Sauce-box Sauce--box. - Seesaw Sea--sore. - Shamrock Sham--rock. - Spinster Spin--stir. - Surtout Sir--tout, or Sir--two. - Toilet Toy--let. - Waistcoat Waste--coat. - Welcome Well--come. - Wilful Will--full. - Yellow Yell--low. - - - - -CARPET. - -A CHARADE IN THREE ACTS. - - -ACT I. - -CAR ----. - - _Dramatis Personae_, - CAR-DRIVER. - CONDUCTOR. - PASSENGERS. - - SCENE--_Sixth Avenue, New York._ - -Scene opens and discovers street-car driving furiously along, drawn by -two chestnut acquaintances. Conductor and driver represented by two -small boys. Car composed of lounge, clothes-horse, and two chairs, -judiciously arranged and draped; wheels of band box-lids or circular -tea-trays. Noise of car simulated by confederates outside shaking -sleigh-bells or hand-bells, and drumming on door with fingers and hand; -also rattling on floor with feet. - -Enter some passengers, running and hailing car. Bell rings, by knocking -goblet with spoon. Car stops. - -[Illustration] - -[Illustration] - -Passengers rush towards car. Gentleman is in the act of stepping on car -when bell rings, and car suddenly starts off, throwing gentleman -violently to the ground. Great screaming and wailing; friends gather -round and try to raise him; find he is insensible; all immediately begin -shaking their fists at conductor; then simultaneously they bethink -themselves of the propriety of taking the number of the car. All draw -out their memorandum-books and commence writing. Conductor and driver -make gestures of defiance. - -[Illustration] - -Grand tableau. - - -ACT II. - ----- PET. - - _Dramatis Personae_, - HUSBAND AND WIFE. - -Enter lady poutingly, followed by her husband, who tries to coax her -into a good humor, but without avail. She persists in being in a _pet_. -Husband - -[Illustration] - - by his gestures promises to buy her shawls, - -[Illustration] - - dresses, - -[Illustration] - - a piano, - -and even - -[Illustration] - - a riding-horse.[8] - -[Illustration] - -Finding all these promises are of no use, he begins to get excited; -declares she shall have nothing; lady remains sulky; gentleman seizes -his hat, rams it on his head, and exits. Lady walks off in the opposite -direction, clenching her fists. - -[Illustration] - - [8] To convey this idea, the gentleman must neigh while he prances. - - -ACT III. - -CARPET. - - _Dramatis Personae_, - IRISHMAN. - COLORED MAN. - SERVANT GIRL. - - SCENE--_Street-door of fashionable house--door-plate of white paper - on door bearing the name of Swab._ - -Enter colored man,[9] with his face well spotted with whitewash, who -rings at door of fashionable house. - - [9] The usual way of making a colored man is by blacking the face - with burnt cork; but as gentlemen at evening parties sometimes - object to undergoing this ordeal, a good nigger may be - manufactured by stretching a piece of dark silk across the - face and cutting out holes for the eyes and mouth. Hair can - be made of cotton wadding. - -[Illustration] - -Irish servant appears with her sleeves rolled up and her dress pinned in -the form of a dress-coat behind. She turns up her nose at darkey, who -humbly intimates that he has called for the _carpet_. Girl slams the -door in his face. Colored man considers this outrageous conduct, as he -has been specially requested to call for orders, and produces the -following note from Mr. Swab: - - "MR. CUFFY: - "Please call at No. 13 Fifth Avenue, for carpet. - "JOHN SWAB." - -[Illustration] - -He points to note and name on door to show he has come to the right -house. - -[Illustration] - -Enter Irishman, who approaches Mr. Swab's door and rings bell; reappear -girl, who smiles as she produces a roll of carpet. Cuffy steps forward -and expostulates, showing Mr. Swab's letter. Irishman pitches into -Cuffy, and a furious fight ensues, in which the girl joins with a broom. - -[Illustration] - - -THE END OF CARPET. - - - - -CATASTROPHE. - -A CHARADE IN FOUR ACTS. - - -ACT I. - -CAT. - - _Dramatis Personae_, - CAT. - DOG. - OLD GENTLEMAN. - - SCENE--_Backyard of city house, with small table placed on top of - other table, to represent window._ - -Enter cat (head done up in brown paper, with cat's face painted on it, -brown paper ears, tail made out of lady's boa, black silk handkerchief, -or any suitable thing). - -[Illustration] - -Cat commences to _meow_ and caterwaul. Old gentleman appears at window -with nightcap on and sheet wrapped round him, and shakes his fist at -cat. Cat continues to make a noise. - -[Illustration] - -Old gentleman gets very angry, shakes both his fists, withdraws into -room, reappears with hair-brush, which he throws at cat. Cat continues -to make a noise. Old gentleman commences a fusilade of boots, books, -combs, and toilet articles generally. Cat makes more noise than ever, -putting up her back and spitting at the objects as they fell around her. -The old gentleman is almost in despair, when suddenly a bright idea -strikes him, which he expresses by pantomime, placing his finger to the -side of his nose and winking. He disappears from the window. Presently -is heard the rattling of a chain and barking of a dog. - -[Illustration] - -Enter dog, barking furiously, and pursues cat out of yard. Old gentleman -rubs his hands with glee, and pats dog on head. Dog frisks about. - - -ACT II - -ASS. - - _Dramatis Personae_, - ASS. - RAG AND SOAP-FAT MAN. - SERVANT GIRL. - - SCENE--_Public Street._ - -Enter rag and soap-fat man dragging donkey after him. Donkey dragging -cart made of chair with bandbox-lid wheels, cart filled with odds and -ends of tinware, old rags, etc. Donkey very obstinate; driver beats him -with roll of stiff paper. Servant hails soap-fat man and offers for sale -several large jarsful of drippings, sheets, pillow-cases, etc., -belonging to her mistress. They chaffer for some time over the bargain, -but finally agree upon a price. The money (all copper pennies) is about -to change hands when the donkey, close by, gives an unearthly bray, -which, to their guilty consciences, sounds like the voice of some -avenging spirit; both scream, drop the money on the floor, and rush off; -donkey turns round and runs off too. - -[Illustration] - -[Illustration] - - -ACT III. - -TROPHY. - - _Dramatis Personae_, - SOLDIERS. - - SCENE--_A camp, tents made of sheets hung over chairs, etc._ - -Enter soldiers, leading prisoners, and bearing ragged and shot-torn flag -on broomstick, band playing trumpets (sheets of music rolled up), and -beating drums (tin pails); they halt and form in line; the officer, by -suitable gestures, calls attention to the trophy. - -[Illustration] - -Enter general and staff. General makes a speech, pointing to the trophy, -and then decorates their captain by pinning a medal (a circular -soda-cracker fastened to a bit of red ribbon will do) on his breast. All -strike an attitude, and the scene closes. - - -ACT IV. - -CATASTROPHE. - - _Dramatis Personae_, - GENTLEMEN. - LADIES. - HORSES AND POLICEMEN. - - SCENE--_Central Park._ - -A superb carriage, made out of the lounge with bandbox-lid wheels, and -drawn by a span of spirited bay gentleman, is discovered; an elegant -youth is seated on the box driving, whilst the carriage is filled with a -gay and festive party of youthful ladies and gentlemen. - -[Illustration] - -Presently the horses become restive, plunge wildly about, and, in spite -of all the efforts of the driver, dash the vehicle against a post; the -inmates scream and tumble out. Enter two policemen, who seize the -horses, put the driver on his legs, and carry the rest of the party to -the hospital on stretchers made of the clothes-horse. - -[Illustration] - -[Illustration] - - - - -CHAPTER XXVIII. - - -Those tranquil moods to which allusion has already been made on several -occasions, have now become a decided feature in our character. There is -certainly something very charming in the society of well-bred women. -However, we hope before long we need not be forced from home to find -that enjoyment. We have discovered the object of Nix's recent gifts of -Brahminical works. It was a ponderous roundabout species of humor -peculiar to Nix, the works in question being supposed to furnish -appropriate study for a person in our presumed position as admirer of -Bud (or Boodh). - -Nix has for some time past made himself very wearisome with continual -allusions to Vishnu, Siva, Buddhism, and so forth. We gained one idea, -however, from his jest. We have written a Hindoo play, the plot of which -turns on the love of a devout Brahmin. The play is entirely finished -save the last act, which is complete up to the point where Neer Je Haun -declares his love for the Unblown Rose. - - -THE LAST ACT OF THE PLAY. - -We took our play to the Adams' to-night, and told Bud that it was nearly -completed, but we were in some embarrassment how to conclude it. We had -consequently come to consult her on the subject, begging at the same -time she would give it her most careful attention, as her decision was -of vital importance. We were alone. We had read the whole play through -with the utmost care, till we came to the final sentence in our -manuscript, where the hero declares his passion for the Unblown Rose. It -runs thus: - -_Neer Je Haun._ "Light of my soul, whose voice is sweeter than the -murmur of the Ganges, whose name is incense to my nostrils, whose eyes -are brighter than the fire-flies by night--my highest ambition is to be -thy slave, my greatest hope to guard thee from harm, to bask in the -radiance of thine eyes. For thee I would sacrifice all other earthly -happiness. When I pray thee to share my humble fortunes, turn not away -thy proud head; parch not my soul with scorn, though well I should -deserve such a fate for my temerity." - -Now turning to Bud, we asked her to decide what answer the lover should -receive; should he be accepted or rejected? - -"Oh, accepted, of course!" eagerly exclaimed Bud, her bright eyes -kindling with sympathy for the ardent Hindoo. - -"It is well!" we replied, and wrote down the maiden's answer. - -"I will trust my life in thy hands from this day till death." - -"Is that right?" we asked. - -She said it was, though perhaps a little cold. - -We then drew from our breast pocket one sheet of the manuscript she had -not yet seen. It was the title of the play: - - -THE WORSHIP OF BUD. - -Bud colored--looked at us in an embarrassed way, and then with much -hesitation was about to speak, when we stretched out our hand and said: - -"You will not make us alter what we have written?" - -She gave no answer, but from the pressure of her hand we knew we need -doubt no more. - -Now this heathen idolator would not change places with the greatest -Christian monarch in Europe. - -[Illustration] - - -THE END. - - - - - [Illustration: A Catalogue of - BOOKS - ISSUED BY - Carleton, Publisher, - NEW YORK. - 1866.] - - - [Illustration] - - "_There is a kind of physiognomy in the_ titles _of books no less - than in the faces of men, by which a skilful observer will know as - well what to expect from the one as the other._"--BUTLER. - - - - -NEW BOOKS - -And New Editions Recently Issued by - - CARLETON, PUBLISHER, - NEW YORK, - 418 _BROADWAY, CORNER OF LISPENARD STREET_ - - N.B.--THE PUBLISHER, upon receipt of the price in advance, will - send any of the following Books by mail, POSTAGE FREE, to any part - of the United States. This convenient and very safe mode may be - adopted when the neighboring Booksellers are not supplied with the - desired work. State name and address in full. - - -Victor Hugo. - - LES MISERABLES.--_The best edition_, two elegant 8vo. vols., - beautifully bound in cloth, $5.50; half calf, $10.00 - LES MISERABLES.--_The popular edition_, one large octavo - volume, paper covers, $2.00; cloth bound, $2.50 - LES MISERABLES.--In the Spanish language. Fine 8vo. edition, - two vols., paper covers, $4.00; cloth bound, $5.00 - JARGAL.--A new novel. Illustrated. 12mo. cloth, $1.75 - THE LIFE OF VICTOR HUGO.--By himself. 8vo. cloth, $1.75 - -Miss Muloch. - - JOHN HALIFAX.--A novel. With illustration. 12mo. cloth, $1.75 - A LIFE FOR A LIFE.-- do. do. $1.75 - -Charlotte Bronte (Currer Bell). - - JANE EYRE.--A novel. With illustration. 12mo. cloth, $1.75 - THE PROFESSOR.--do. do. do. $1.75 - SHIRLEY.-- do. do. do. $1.75 - VILLETTE.-- do. do. do. $1.75 - -Hand-Books of Society. - - THE HABITS OF GOOD SOCIETY; with thoughts, hints, and anecdotes, - concerning nice points of taste, good manners, and the art of - making oneself agreeable. The most entertaining work of the - kind ever published. 12mo. cloth, $1.75 - THE ART OF CONVERSATION.--With directions for self-culture. A - sensible and instructive work, that ought to be in the hands - of every one who wishes to be either an agreeable talker or - listener. 12mo. cloth, $1.50 - THE ART OF AMUSING.--A collection of graceful arts, games, - tricks, puzzles, and charades, intended to amuse everybody, - and enable all to amuse everybody else. With suggestions for - private theatricals, tableaux, parlor and family amusements, - etc. With nearly 150 illustrative pictures. 12mo. cloth, $2.00 - -Mrs. Mary J. 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PHILIP'S.-- do. do. $1.75 - LOUIE'S LAST TERM AT ST. MARY'S. do. $1.75 - ROUNDHEARTS AND OTHER STORIES.--_Just published_ do. $1.75 - -Josh Billings. - - HIS BOOK.--All the rich comic sayings of this celebrated - humorist. With comic illustrations. 12mo. cloth, $1.50 - -Mrs. Ritchie (Anna Cora Mowatt). - - FAIRY FINGERS.--A capital new novel. 12mo. cloth, $1.75 - THE MUTE SINGER.-- do. do. $1.75 - A NEW BOOK.--_In press._ do. $1.75 - -New English Novels. - - BEYMINSTRE.--A very interesting novel. 12mo. cloth, $1.75 - RECOMMENDED TO MERCY.-- do. do. $1.75 - TAKEN UPON TRUST.-- do. do. $1.75 - -Geo. W. Carleton. - - OUR ARTIST IN CUBA.--A humorous volume of travels; with - fifty comic illustrations by the author. 12mo. cloth, $1.50 - OUR ARTIST IN PERU.--_In press._ $1.50 - -A. S. 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Three series 12mo. cloth, $1.50 - -Edmund Kirke. - - AMONG THE PINES.--A Southern sketch. 12mo. cloth, $1.50 - MY SOUTHERN FRIENDS.-- do. do. $1.50 - DOWN IN TENNESSEE.-- do. do. $1.50 - ADRIFT IN DIXIE.-- do. do. $1.50 - AMONG THE GUERILLAS.-- do. do. $1.50 - A NEW BOOK.--_In press._ do. do. $1.50 - -T. S. Arthur's New Works. - - LIGHT ON SHADOWED PATHS.--A novel. 12mo. cloth, $1.50 - OUT IN THE WORLD.-- do. do. $1.50 - NOTHING BUT MONEY.-- do. do. $1.50 - WHAT CAME AFTERWARDS.-- do. do. $1.50 - OUR NEIGHBORS.--_Just published._ do. $1.50 - -Robinson Crusoe. - - A handsome illustrated edition, complete. 12mo. cloth, $1.50 - -Joseph Rodman Drake. - - THE CULPRIT FAY.--A faery poem. 12mo. cloth, $1.25 - AN ILLUSTRATED EDITION.--With 100 exquisite illustrations - on wood. Quarto, beautifully printed and bound, $5.00 - -Epidemic Cholera. - - A handy-book for successful treatment 12mo. cloth, $1.00 - -Cuthbert Bede. - - VERDANT GREEN.--A rollicking, humorous novel of English student - life; with 200 comic illustrations. 12mo. cloth, $1.50 - -Private Miles O'Reilly. - - BAKED MEATS OF THE FUNERAL.--A Comic book. 12mo. cloth, $1.75 - LIFE AND ADVENTURES--with comic illustrations. do. $1.50 - -M. Michelet's Remarkable Works. - - LOVE (L'AMOUR).--From the French. 12mo. cloth, $1.50 - WOMAN (LA FEMME).-- do. do. $1.50 - -J. Sheridan Le Fanu. - - WYLDER'S HAND.--A powerful new novel. 12mo. cloth, $1.75 - THE HOUSE BY THE CHURCHYARD.-- do. do. $1.75 - -Rev. John Cumming, D.D., of London. - - THE GREAT TRIBULATION.--Two series. 12mo. cloth, $1.50 - THE GREAT PREPARATION.-- do. do. $1.50 - THE GREAT CONSUMMATION.-- do. do. $1.50 - -Ernest Renan. - - THE LIFE OF JESUS.--From the French work. 12mo. cloth, $1.75 - THE APOSTLES.-- do. do. $1.75 - RELIGIOUS HISTORY AND CRITICISM.-- 8vo. cloth, $2.50 - -Popular Italian Novels. - - DOCTOR ANTONIO.--A love story. By Ruffini. 12mo. cloth, $1.75 - VINCENZO.-- do. do. do. $1.75 - BEATRICE CENCI.--By Guerrazzi, with portrait. do. $1.75 - -Charles Reade. - - THE CLOISTER AND THE HEARTH.--A magnificent new novel--the - best this author ever wrote. 8vo. cloth, $2.00 - -The Opera. - - TALES FROM THE OPERAS.--A collection of clever stories, based - upon the plots of all the famous operas. 12mo. cloth, $1.50 - -Robert B. Roosevelt. - - THE GAME-FISH OF THE NORTH.--Illustrated 12mo. cloth, $2.00 - SUPERIOR FISHING.-- do. do. $2.00 - THE GAME-BIRDS OF THE NORTH.-- do. $2.00 - -John Phoenix. - - THE SQUIBOB PAPERS.--A new humorous volume, filled with - comic illustrations by the author. 12mo. cloth, $1.50 - -Matthew Hale Smith. - - MOUNT CALVARY.--Meditations in sacred places. 12mo. $2.00 - -P. T. Barnum. - - THE HUMBUGS OF THE WORLD.--Two series. 12mo. cloth, $1.75 - -Dr. J. J. Craven. - - THE PRISON-LIFE OF JEFFERSON DAVIS.--Incidents and conversations - connected with his captivity. 12mo. cloth, $2.00 - -Captain Raphael Semmes. - - THE CRUISE OF THE ALABAMA AND SUMTER.-- 12mo. cloth, $2.00 - -Pulpit Pungencies. - - A new serio-comic religious book.--Very rich. 12mo. cl., $1.75 - -The Abbe Guettee. - - THE PAPACY.--Its origin and schism with the Greeks. Introduction - by A. Cleveland Coxe, D. D. 12mo. cloth, $1.75 - -Mansefield T. Walworth. - - STORMCLIFF.--A new American novel. 12mo. cloth, $1.75 - -Amelia B. Edwards. - - BALLADS.--By author of "Barbara's History." 12mo. cloth, $1.50 - -Mrs. Jervey (Caroline H. Glover). - - HELEN COURTENAY'S PROMISE.--A new novel. 12mo. cloth, $1.75 - -Walter Barrett, Clerk. - - THE OLD MERCHANTS OF NEW YORK.--Personal incidents, sketches, - bits of biography, and events in the life of leading - merchants in New York. Four series. 12mo. cloth, $1.75 - -Madame Octavia Walton Le Vert. - - SOUVENIRS OF TRAVEL. New edition. Large 12mo. cloth, $2.00 - -Kate Marstone. - - A new and very interesting tale. 12mo. cloth, $1.50 - -By "Sentinel." - - WHO GOES THERE?--Or men and events. 12mo. cloth, $1.50 - -Junius Brutus Booth. - - MEMORIALS OF "THE ELDER BOOTH."--The actor. 12mo. cloth, $1.50 - -H. T. Sperry. - - COUNTRY LOVE _vs._ CITY FLIRTATION.--A capital new society tale, - with twenty superb illustrations by Hoppin. 12mo. cloth, $2.00 - -Epes Sargent. - - PECULIAR.--A remarkable new novel. 12mo. cloth, $1.75 - -Cuyler Pine. - - MARY BRANDEGEE.--A very powerful novel 12mo. cloth, $1.75 - A NEW NOVEL.--_In press._ do. $1.75 - -Elisha Kent Kane. - - LOVE-LIFE OF DR. KANE and Margaret Fox. 12mo. cloth, $1.75 - -Mother Goose for Grown Folks. - - HUMOROUS RHYMES for grown people. 12mo. cloth, $1.25 - -Miscellaneous Works. - - NOTES ON SHAKSPEARE.--By Jas. H. Hackett. 12mo. cloth, $1.50 - THE MONTANAS.--A novel by Mrs. S. J. Hancock. do. $1.75 - PASTIMES WITH LITTLE FRIENDS.--Martha H. Butt. do. $1.50 - A SPINSTER'S STORY.--A new novel. do. $1.75 - A LIFE OF JAMES STEPHENS.--Fenian Head-Centre. do. $1.00 - FREE GOVERNMENT IN ENGLAND AND AMERICA.-- do. $3.00 - AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF A NEW ENGLAND FARM-HOUSE.-- do. $1.75 - NEPENTHE.--A new novel. do. $1.50 - TOGETHER.-- do. do. $1.50 - LOVERS AND THINKERS.--do. do. $1.50 - POEMS.--By Gay H. Naramore. do. $1.50 - GOMERY OF MONTGOMERY.--By C. A. Washburn. do. $2.00 - VICTOIRE.--A new novel. do. $1.75 - POEMS.--By Mrs. Sarah T. Bolton. do. $1.50 - SUPPRESSED BOOK ABOUT SLAVERY.-- do. $2.00 - JOHN GUILDERSTRING'S SIN.--A novel. do. $1.50 - CENTEOLA.--By author "Green Mountain Boys." do. $1.50 - RED TAPE AND PIGEON-HOLE GENERALS.-- do. $1.50 - TREATISE ON DEAFNESS.--By Dr. E. B. Lighthill. do. $1.50 - AROUND THE PYRAMIDS.--By Gen. Aaron Ward. do. $1.50 - CHINA AND THE CHINESE.--By W. L. G. Smith. do. $1.50 - THE YACHTMAN'S PRIMER.--By T. R. Warren. do. 50 cts. - EDGAR POE AND HIS CRITICS.--By Mrs. Whitman. do. $1.00 - MARRIED OFF.--Illustrated Satirical Poem. do. 50 cts. - THE FLYING DUTCHMAN.--J. G. Saxe, illustrated. do. 75 cts. - ALEXANDER VON HUMBOLDT.--Life and Travels. do. $1.50 - LIFE OF HUGH MILLER.--The celebrated geologist. do. $1.50 - THE RUSSIAN BALL.--Illustrated satirical poem. do. 50 cts. - THE SNOBLACE BALL. do. do. do. do. 50 cts. - AN ANSWER TO HUGH MILLER.--By T. A. Davies. do. $1.50 - COSMOGONY.--By Thomas A. Davies. 8vo. cloth, $2.00 - TWENTY YEARS around the world. J. Guy Vassar. do. $3.75 - RURAL ARCHITECTURE.--By M. 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