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diff --git a/40266-8.txt b/40266-8.txt deleted file mode 100644 index e8a2aa2..0000000 --- a/40266-8.txt +++ /dev/null @@ -1,5976 +0,0 @@ -The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Punster's Pocket-book, by -Charles Molloy Westmacott - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with -almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or -re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included -with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org/license - - -Title: The Punster's Pocket-book - or, the Art of Punning Enlarged by Bernard Blackmantle, - illustrated with numerous original designs by Robert - Cruikshank - -Author: Charles Molloy Westmacott - -Illustrator: Robert Cruikshank - -Release Date: July 17, 2012 [EBook #40266] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE PUNSTER'S POCKET-BOOK *** - - - - -Produced by Bryan Ness, Laura and the Online Distributed -Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This file was -produced from images generously made available by The -Internet Archive/American Libraries.) - - - - - - - - - -[Illustration: THE PUNSTERS POCKET BOOK - -R. Cruikshank--dol. G. Bonner Sc. - -Bernard Blackmantle.] - - - - - THE - - PUNSTER'S POCKET-BOOK, - - OR - - The art of Punning - - _ENLARGED._ - - - BY - - BERNARD BLACKMANTLE, ESQ. - - AUTHOR OF THE ENGLISH SPY, ETC. ETC. ETC. - - -[Illustration: - - "Give me the man, when all is done, - That wisely cracks a jest or pun." - - _Martial._] - - - ILLUSTRATED WITH - - Numerous Original Designs - - BY ROBERT CRUIKSHANK. - - - LONDON: - - PUBLISHED BY SHERWOOD, GILBERT, AND PIPER, - PATERNOSTER-ROW. - - - 1826. - - - - - LONDON: - - PRINTED BY THOMAS DAVISON, WHITEFRIARS. - - - - - TO - - His Most Gracious Majesty, - - KING GEORGE THE FOURTH, - - THE ARBITER ELEGANTIARUM, - - THE PATRON, - - THE LOVER, - - AND THE JUDGE OF WIT, - - - _THIS LITTLE VOLUME IS DEDICATED_, - - WITH THE MOST FERVENT LOYALTY, - - THE MOST SINCERE ADMIRATION, - - AND THE MOST PROFOUND RESPECT, - - BY HIS DEVOTED SERVANT, - - AND FAITHFUL SUBJECT, - -[Illustration: Signature: Bernard Blackmantle] - - - - -[Illustration] - - - - - A - - WORD - - TO - - THE WITTY AND THE WISE. - - Wit led the way--with sportive jest, - Next, Humour, most fantastic drest; - The Graces, eldest of the Nine, - Followed--collecting from each shrine, - Where Genius shed a ray of light, - Which might improve, instruct, delight. - - -MESSIEURS THE PUNSTERS, - -I may with great propriety contend, that under such merry designation, I -am addressing a very large portion of the British public. If, beneath -your patronage, this little work should prove as successful as the -flattering anticipations of some friendly adepts in the art of punning -have induced me to expect, it is my intention to collect and publish, -annually, all the choicest _Morceaux_ and Vagaries relating to punning -that can be obtained from the wits and witty works of our own times: for -which purpose I solicit communications of _original_ Puns and Epigrams, -directed to my Publishers. In arranging the present work, I have -endeavoured to bring together all that was important to a proper -understanding of the Merry Art; to which are annexed examples by the -most celebrated Punsters of their day; many of which now, for the first -time, appear in print. Illustrated by fourteen original and appropriate -designs, from that mirth-inspiring graphic humourist, Robert Cruikshank. - -For mine own whims, scattered here and there through the work, they -will, I have no doubt, be easily discovered, by their very humble -pretensions to any right of admission into the phalanx of great names in -whose company they are now associated. But, Wits and Critics, as ye are -powerful, be merciful; and remember, that taste and industry for such a -task are the great requisites of a compiler, and that it is not -essentially necessary for a _good_ collector to be a _great_ artist. - - =BERNARD BLACKMANTLE,= - - _Author of the English Spy, Editor of The Spirit of - the Public Journals, &c. &c._ - - - - - THE FRONTISPIECE. - - Portrait of his Majesty George the Fourth. - - DRAWN FROM THE LIFE BY WAGEMAN, AND ENGRAVED - BY WOLNOTH. - - -_Explanation of the Emblematic Border to the Portrait of the King, -containing an Epitome of British Sovereignty._ - -The Genius of Ancient Britain is represented by a Druidical head -encircled by a wreath of oak; the face is partly hidden behind the -blazonry of modern achievement. The head, supported by the Roman eagle -and the Saxon horse, is inclosed in the involutions of the scroll which -proceeds from it, and which next embraces the devouring eagle of -Scandinavia, and the warlike lion of Normandy. Following these are -emblems of the contests of the houses of York and Lancaster, surrounded -by the rival roses. The Scriptures opened are appropriate to the Tudor -family; and their national emblem, the thistle, is considered most -emblematical of the Stuart race. A lion, with the cap of liberty, -denotes the benefits England has derived from their successors, the -Prince of Orange; and the unicorn chained to the scroll is indicative of -Hanover attached to the sovereignty of Great Britain. The imperial crown -of Charlemagne, which surmounts Brunswick, is nearly obscured and lost -behind the crown and sceptre of a British sovereign, George the Fourth, - - WHOM GOD PRESERVE. - - - - -[Illustration] - - - - - PROLEGOMENA ON PUNNING. - - RESPECTFULLY ADDRESSED - - TO PUNSTERS IN GENERAL. - - - LITERARY FIREWORKS. - - What are Puns, and Jests, and Quirks? - But Literary _Fireworks_. - - Here are _squibs_ for dull November; - _Crackers_, too, for gay December; - _Rockets_, charged with wit and fun; - _Wild-fires_ made to touch and run; - _Blue-lights_ from the Em'rald Isle; - _British-balls_, to chase the bile; - _Roman fires_, and _jeux d'esprits_; - From Vatican, and Thuilleries; - And here's Blackmantle--punning elf-- - To personate Guy Vaux himself. - - -It will doubtless be the opinion of many a reader that a Prefatory Essay -on such a subject as _Punning_ can possess little of interest, and -nothing of novelty. I would, however, request any one entertaining this -idea to suspend his judgment till he has given the matter ampler -consideration. - -In addressing these preliminary remarks to punsters in general, I think -I have taken effectual means to render them of universal interest. When -a certain author, who had dedicated one of his volumes "_to those who -think_," was charged with want of judgment in catering for such a -limited number of individuals, he justified his discernment by -observing, that, however little numerous the body of _thinking people_ -might be, every reader would at least rank himself in that class. Our -question can stand on much broader ground; for we assert, without fear -of contradiction, that of the many judicious persons who, without doubt, -will peruse and patronise these pages, not one will be found who is not -only, _se judice_, a punster, but who has not, probably "many a time and -oft," exhibited among his boon companions whatever portion of talent he -may possess in that line of wit. It has been asked by a well-known -writer, "Did any man of liberal education ever go through his teens -without perpetrating the crime of making verses?" I am contented to wave -the narrow distinction, by which uneducated persons would be excepted, -and, with respect to the nobler and far more generally diffused art of -punning, would inquire, Does any one, whatever be his rank or -attainments, reach his twentieth year, without (we will not speak so -inaccurately as to say, _perpetrating the crime_, but) contributing one -or more puns to the common stock? Certainly not. What the ancients -rather hyperbolically asserted of writing (for the many, who were -uninstructed in the mechanical part of that art, could not by -possibility have exercised it), _Scribimus indocti doctique_, is -literally true as applied to punning: lettered and unlettered, all alike -pun away. From the humble son of Crispin, who, having nothing but one of -his sutorial weapons at hand wherewith to despatch his _cotelette de -boeuf_, remarked that _his all was at stake_, to the gifted Sheridan, -who discovered that Doctors' Commons was the greatest thoroughfare in -England, in virtue of the old adage, "where there is a WILL there is a -WAY," each man sports his _calembourg_. - -Still, as it frequently happens that what is most generally practised, -is far from being best understood, so is it with punning. It has been -too much the case to treat it with levity and inconsiderateness; to -regard it as mere trifling; to view it at best as a feeble missile from -the armoury of wit, only adapted for the "puny (query _punny_?) -whipster," and which those who are qualified to wield more valuable -weapons would scarcely deign to employ. I trust that, in the course of -these introductory observations, I shall effectually dispel all such -erroneous prejudices, and shall satisfactorily assert the true dignity -of the art, so that my readers may join with me in exclaiming, - - "_Punica_ se quantis attollet gloria _rebus_!" - -and may perceive, that it is not only venerable from its antiquity, and -supported by the authority of persons of taste and learning, who have -invariably cultivated it, but is likewise highly beneficial to the -bodily health, moral feeling, and intellectual improvement of the -community. - -With respect to its antiquity, we find it treated of by the most eminent -writers upon rhetoric among the ancients, who not only class it among -the beauties of language, but have stamped it with the dignity of a -distinct figure of speech, assigning to it an appropriate name. I make -no observations upon the injudicious attempts of some modern -commentators to ally it to the _paranomasia_, it being evidently the -_antanaclasis_ of the rhetoricians. The great Aristotle (Rhet. ch. 11.) -enumerates two or three different species of [Greek: paragrammata], the -name he gives to puns, in his remarks upon this figure, and cites -examples of each kind, with expressions of commendation, from some of -the most celebrated Greek authors. In Cicero's treatise on Oratory, a -variety of instances of the _antanaclasis_ are quoted, and highly -praised by him for their wit. His own puns, with which his works abound, -are more distinguished for their number than their excellence: humour -does not appear to have been his forte, but his frequent attempts at -punning sufficiently evince the high estimation in which it was held by -himself and his contemporaries. The ancient poets, strange as it may -appear, were not, in general, adepts in this art, if we except -Aristophanes among the Greeks, and Ovid and Martial among the Latins. -From the two last mentioned writers (the former of whom indeed would -readily furnish a cento of puns) I beg leave to select two examples. The -one is where Ovid makes Leander say, "Posito _cum veste timore_;" the -other is the well-known epigram by Martial on the emperor Nero: - - "_Quis negat Æneæ natum de stirpe Neronem?_ - Sustulit _hic matrem_, Sustulit ille patrem." - -I adduce these examples, because Addison, after erroneously defining a -pun to be merely "a conceit arising from the use of two words that -agree in the sound, but differ in the sense," goes on to inform us that -if translated into a different language, it will vanish in the -experiment; in fact he would represent it as _vox et præterea nihil_, a -sound, and nothing but a sound. Unquestionably there are a multitude of -puns that might answer this description, but it is far from being -applicable to all. In the two instances I have just brought forward, the -words _posito_ and _sustulit_ can be exactly translated into English, -and both the sense and the pun retained. The truth is, that Addison, -like many more who have thought proper to be very severe on the talents -of the punning fraternity, was evidently not very accurately acquainted -with the nature of what he was attacking. - -If the plea of antiquity can thus be justly advanced in favour of -punning, the continued adherence of all nations in all periods to the -practice, may likewise with reason be urged in its support. Nor are its -ramifications of slight importance. It may be considered as the origin -of technical terms, most of which, if properly analysed, will prove to -be virtual puns or conundrums; as the parent of _double entendre_ of -every description; and even as containing the germs of that _slang_ -formerly confined to the lower walks of life, but, in our more -enlightened days, emulously studied even among the Corinthian pillars of -polished society. - -The number of final letters, which among the French are mere ciphers in -pronunciation, has always given them a decided advantage in puns of mere -words over every other nation. Their writings and conversation are alike -replete with them; but they are almost invariably of that kind alluded -to by Addison, which are lost if clothed in any but their native dress. -Indeed this is almost a necessary consequence of the very circumstance -already alluded to, which ensures them such superior facility in the -production of puns. A brace of these I shall present my readers with, -both as exhibiting a strong confirmation of what I have above said, and -as being of modern date, and, in my opinion, of sterling excellence. The -first of these is the reply made by a Parisian wit, to a person who -asked him what was the true distinction between a flea and a louse. He -answered that they were only disciples of different philosophers: the -lice being followers of Epictetus (_des pique-têles_), and the fleas of -Epicurus (_des piqueurs_). The other is an epigram, much talked off at -the time of its appearance in the French metropolis, written by some -wag, under a picture of Louis XVIII. painted by _Le Gros_, and placed -in one of the public exhibitions. The striking resemblance of the head -and neck of that monarch to those of a rabbit is well known; and of this -circumstance the malicious epigrammatist thus happily avails himself in -the pasquinade referred to: - - Le Gros l'a peint! (_le gros lapin!_) - Le Gros l'a peint! - Notre bon souverain. - De la peinture admirez la magie: - Tout le monde à la fois s'écrie, - Le Gros l'a peint! - Le Gros l'a peint! - -As I have assumed the privilege in these remarks of being as desultory -and digressive as I please, I shall here notice what I term _macaroni -punning_, effected by a fictitious _mélange_ of different languages. -Sometimes this will arise from the inspection of a single word. Who, for -instance, can forbear smiling at the curious orthoepical coincidence by -which an accommodating fair one is in Latin designated _meretrix_? This, -however, is the simplest effort of the _macaroni_ class, and far from -implying that ingenuity visible in higher flights of the same kind, -which are frequently conspicuous for their wit and pithiness. Lord -Erskine's inscription on his tea chest, _Tu doces_, is of great merit in -its way. Lord Norbury, I believe, has the reputation of having observed, -upon seeing some young fellow vain of his personal attractions almost in -tears at contemplating the manner in which the nocturnal attacks of a -band of _jumpers_ had disfigured his face, "_Fle-bit_, he will weep." -His countryman Curran's reply to his rival counsel Egan, will not easily -be forgotten. The latter, coming out of court, and observing on Curran's -coat a certain _disgrace to the poll_, addressed him in the words of -Virgil: - - "Dic mihi, Damoeta, cujum pecus? an Meliboei?" - -Curran immediately replied by completing the passage: - - "Non, verum Ægonis: nuper mihi tradidit Ægon." - -Probably, however, Swift's impromptu quotation on seeing a Cremona -violin swept off a table by a lady's mantua: - - "_Mantua_, væ! miseræ nimium vicina _Cremonæ_," - -will always stand at the head of puns of this class. - -I own that I am particularly delighted with a good _macaroni_ pun. It -necessarily implies, not only superior wit, but a considerable fund of -learning, on the part of the punster. And what is still better, it shows -that this learning is free from the rust of pedantry, tending to enliven -those around him, and not to create in him a repulsive conceit, and a -haughty estrangement from society. His candle is not hidden under a -bushel, but freely and cheerfully dispenses its light: His treasure is -not kept in the form of useless hoarded bullion, but is converted into a -valuable circulating medium, the coin being liberally and extensively -distributed by its owner. - -The inmates of universities have usually been remarked for their -attachment to punning. The men of Cambridge, in particular, have ever, -from their foundation, been distinguished by their excellence as -paragrammatists. It surely not a little exalts this noble art, that -those who have enjoyed peculiar opportunities of justly appreciating -every thing connected both with abstruse and polite literature, should -have sedulously cultivated it. And I think I may be allowed to say, in -contradiction to the reiterated attempts of prejudice and stupidity to -undervalue it, that I never met with a person incapable of some degree -of excellence in punning, who was remarkable for any species of wit -above the practical jokes of a merry-andrew. - -But it is not only on its high antiquity, its extensive diffusion, or -the distinguished authorities that can be adduced in support of it, that -the claims of punning are founded. The philosopher who defined man to be -[Greek: to zôon gelôn], certainly selected the only characteristic -besides that of speech, which particularly and exclusively distinguishes -man from the brute creation. - - "'Twas said of old, deny it now who can, - The only laughing animal is man. - The bear may leap, its lumpish cubs in view, - Or sportive cat her circling tail pursue; - The grin deep-lengthen pug's half-human face, - Or prick'd up ear confess the simp'ring ass: - In awkward gestures awkward mirth be shown, - Yet, spite of gesture, man still laughs alone." - -Now to the exercise of this high and distinguished prerogative of our -nature, what is a more certain stimulant than a pun? If it be good, you -laugh at the pun; if bad, at the punster; and in either case, he is -almost certain to laugh himself. Moreover, the punster is one of all -others, "_quem jocus risusque circumvolat_;" not only witty himself, but -the cause of wit in others; for it is rarely, indeed, in the social -circle, that one pun is not the signal for a series of others. The cards -are generally played after the first is led, till the suit is fairly -out. - -But laughter is not only one of the principal faculties which -distinguish man from inferior animals; it likewise contributes greatly -to the promotion and preservation of health. "Laugh and grow fat," is a -very old and a very wise adage. - -And observe, the fat which thus increaseth the ribs is wholesome, good, -firm fat, bearing no resemblance whatever to the adipose envelope of the -bloated and corpulent. Those who are clothed with laughter-begotten fat -are, moreover, in general, of humour frank and free, cordial, cheerful, -and enterprising; as dissimilar to the indolent, arthritic, or the -selfish gourmand, as to the cadaverous, saturnine, acetous beings who -stalk about like so many skeletons, galvanised into temporary motion, -and presenting a _memento mori_ to all they meet. And if such be the -genial, the beneficial, effects of laughter, can we laud too highly the -practice of punning, that most apt and prompt instrument of promoting -it? - -In another point of view, too, this art doth not a little contribute to -the advancement and improvement of moral feeling. How often have the -asperities incident to conversation been instantly softened down by the -means of a well-timed pun? How many a rising storm of colloquial debate -and controversial wrath has been dispelled by the same salutary agency, -when wisdom would have failed to convince, or mediation to conciliate? -The able punster has perhaps more frequent opportunities than any other -character, of securing the blessing pronounced upon the peace-maker. - -The pious Dr. Watts, in his Introduction to Logic, has commented on the -moral as well as literary evils arising from the number of equivocal and -the comparative paucity of univocal words. Now the knowledge of a -disease being half its cure, who is so likely to be exempt from the -evils arising from the above-mentioned sources as the punster? Every -fresh touch of his art may be considered as a discovery of some more of -these dangerous equivocals, and indeed his whole life may be regarded as -a philanthropic voyage in quest of them, combining the double advantage -of exciting mirth by their timely production, and affording a salutary -warning to the hearer against the employment of such Proteus terms in -grave and serious discussion. Thus again we see the paragrammatist -enabled to contribute in a high degree to the social enjoyment, literary -improvement, and moral amelioration of his fellow creatures. - -If wit consists principally, as the first of modern philosophers has -affirmed, in the unexpected association of ideas apparently far removed -in their nature from each other, punning must, in its very essence, -claim to rank in the highest class of wit. And how must the frequent -exercise of searching for such associations, and bringing them however -recondite to light, sharpen the intellect of the individual engaged in -it! We have already adverted to the general practice of this art among -the members of our universities; we may likewise observe that the -learned body of the law, a body distinguished perhaps beyond any other -for their superior shrewdness, and extent of general information, are -universally partial to it. The barrister who pleads, and the judge who -directs, are alike ambitious to display their excellence in this highly -prized art; and justice herself, though for the sake of her character -she must needs be blind, is rarely found deaf to the sallies of the -punster. - -_Ohe! jam satis est._ Sufficient, we are persuaded, has been said to -satisfy all persons of the value and excellence of punning, except -indeed the obstinately incredulous; and such, as a just punishment, we -would excommunicate for ever from the enjoyment of puns, and the society -of punsters. Can we pronounce a severer doom? - -But as the best of things are the most liable to abuses, so has the -cause of punning suffered much from the want of judgment evinced by many -of its votaries. Anxious, as far as possible, to contribute to -maintaining this noble art in the possession of its well-merited -reputation, we venture a few words of caution to some of its professors -on the errors too frequently committed by them. - -Imprimis, a pun, like an epigram, is worth little indeed if the point -can be anticipated. Hence proper names, though they have in some few -instances been successfully worked upon, are in general bad materials -for the punster. The attempt to pun upon Black, White, Green, Brown, -Scott, England, and _id genus omne_, if productive of any laughter, is -of that only which is excited by the imbecility and empty pretensions of -him who makes it. In justice to our contemporary John Bull, we must -observe that on this very dangerous ground, he is almost the only person -who has had the singular felicity of uniformly appearing with success. - -For the same reason that we object to proper names, we need scarcely -observe that all trite puns are detestable. There are a number of words, -such as _heart_, _love_, _soul_, _last_, _grave_, and a host of others, -that have been fairly worn thread-bare in the service. Let him whose wit -is not competent to discover some other sources than these hackneyed -ones, be a listener, but by no means a speaker in a circle of punsters. -_Decies repetita placebit_, however just it may be as the criterion of -merit in a poem, will never do for a pun, one of whose chief -excellencies is novelty,--nay, which often, however rich at the moment -of its utterance, will not successfully admit of repetition, even to -those who have never before heard it, at another time and under -different circumstances. - -A pun can rarely be considered very good, which involves a difference of -orthography. It appears like a descent from its true dignity to the -level of a common conundrum. - -Lastly, let every punster bear in mind, that punning is only the sauce -of conversation, and that he who thinks to entertain by introducing it -continually into his discourse, resembles a man who should present me -with a dish of Cayenne pepper alone by way of a meal. It may likewise be -observed, that what is usually called an inveterate, is never a good -punster. The constant desire of display, by accustoming himself to be -contented with mediocrity, or something below it, almost disqualifies -him from uttering any thing above it. We may say with justice, "a pun -spoken in good season, how good is it!" Time, and place, and persons -too, must be regarded. The punster, while he enlivens conversation, is -one of the greatest acquisitions to a company; when he only interrupts -it, he is one of its greatest nuisances. Much more could we add -concerning both the theory and practice of this art, but we would not -willingly become tedious. Gentle reader, whosoever thou art, receive in -good part what we have here written; imbue thyself with such a love of -punning, and such a sense of its dignity, that thy efforts may exalt and -not degrade it: so shalt thou merit the good wish which, with a sincere -heart, we now bestow upon thee: Mayest thou become one of the warmest -admirers of punning, and shine as one of the first of punsters! - -[Illustration: Signature: Bernard Blackmantle] - - - - -[Illustration] - - - - - THE ORIGIN OF PUNNING: - - FROM PLATO'S SYMPOSIACKS. - - BY DR. SHERIDAN. - - - Once on a time in merry mood, - Jove made a Pun of flesh and blood: - A double two-faced living creature, - Androgynos, of two-fold nature, - For back to back with single skin - He bound the male and female in; - So much alike, so near the same, - They stuck as closely as their name. - Whatever words the male exprest, - The female turn'd them to a jest; - Whatever words the female spoke, - The male converted to a joke: - So, in this form of man and wife - They led a merry punning life. - The gods from heaven descend to earth, - Drawn down by their alluring mirth; - So well they seem'd to like the sport, - Jove could not get them back to court. - Th' infernal gods ascend as well, - Drawn up by magic puns from hell. - Judges and furies quit their post, - And not a soul to mind a ghost. - 'Heyday!' says Jove: says Pluto too, - 'I think the Devil's here to do; - Here's hell broke loose, and heaven's quite empty; - We scarce have left one god in twenty. - Pray what has set them all a-running?-- - 'Dear brother, nothing else but punning. - Behold that double creature yonder - Delights them with a double _entendre_.' - 'Odds-fish,' says Pluto, 'where's your thunder? - Let's drive, and split this thing asunder!' - 'That's right,' quoth Jove; with that he threw - A bolt, and split it into two; - And when the thing was split in twain, - Why then it punn'd as much again. - ''Tis thus the diamonds we refine, - The more we cut, the more they shine; - And ever since your men of wit, - Until they're cut, can't pun a bit. - So take a starling when 'tis young, - And down the middle slit the tongue, - With groat or sixpence, 'tis no matter, - You'll find the bird will doubly chatter. - 'Upon the whole, dear Pluto, you know, - 'Tis well I did not slit my Juno! - For, had I done't, whene'er she'd scold me, - She'd make the heavens too hot to hold me.' - The gods, upon this application, - Return'd each to his habitation, - Extremely pleas'd with this new joke; - The best, they swore, he ever spoke. - -[Illustration] - - - - - ARS PUN-ICA, SIVE FLOS LINGUARUM; - - THE - - ART OF PUNNING, - - OR, - - THE FLOWER OF LANGUAGES: - - _IN SEVENTY-NINE RULES_: - -FOR THE FURTHER IMPROVEMENT OF CONVERSATION, - AND HELP OF MEMORY. - - BY THE - - _LABOUR AND INDUSTRY OF TOM PUN-SIBI._ - - - "Ex ambiguâ dictâ vel argutissima putantur; sed non semper in - joco, sæpe etiam in gravitate versantur. Ingeniosi enim - videtur, vim verbi in aliud atque cæteri accipiant, posse - ducere." - - _Cicero, de Oratore, Lib. ii. § 61, 2._ - - - - - TO - - THE RIGHT HONOURABLE - - SIR JOHN SCRUB, BART. - - AND WINE-MERCHANT, - -THIS DEDICATION IS HUMBLY PRESENTED BY THE - AUTHOR. - - -Your honour's character is too well known in the world to stand in need -of a dedication; but I can tell you, that my fortune is not so well -settled but I stand in need of a patron. And therefore, since I am to -write a dedication, I must, for decency, proceed in the usual method. - -First, I then proclaim to the world your high and illustrious birth: -that you are, by the father's side, descended from the most ancient and -celebrated family of Rome, the Cascas; by the mother's, from Earl Percy. -Some indeed have been so malicious as to say, your grandmother -_kill'd-her-kin_: but, I think if the authors of the report were found -out, they ought to be _hampered_. I will allow that the world exclaims -deservedly against your _mother_, because she is _no friend to the -bottle_; otherwise they would deserve a _firkin_, as having no -_grounds_ for what they say. However, I do not think it can sully your -_fine_ and _bright_ reputation; for the _credit_ you gained at the -battle of _Hogshed_, against the Duke of _Burgundy_, who felt no -_sham-pain_, when you _forced_ him to sink beneath your power, and gave -his whole army a _brush_, may in time turn to your account; for, to my -knowledge, it put his highness upon the _fret_. This indeed was no less -_racking_ to the king his master, who found himself _gross-lee_ mistaken -in catching a _tartar_. For the whole world allowed, that you brought -him a _peg_ lower, by giving him the _parting-blow_, and making all his -_rogues in buckram_ to _run_. Not to mention your great _a-gillity_, -though you are past your _prim-age_; and may you never _lack-age_, with -a _sparkling_ wit, and _brisk_ imagination! May your honour also _wear_ -long, beyond the common _scantling_ of human life, and constantly -proceed in your musical diversions of _pipe_ and _sack-but_, hunting -with _tarriers_, &c. and may your good humour in saying, "_I -am-phor-a-bottle_," never be lost to the joy of all them that drink your -_wine_ for nothing, and especially of, - - Your humble servant, - - TOM PUN-SIBI. - - - - - A SPECIMEN; - - _A SPICE I MEAN_. - - - - - PREFACE. - - - _Hæe nos, ab imis Pun-icorum annalibus - Prolata, longo tempore edidimus tibi._ Fest. - - I've raked the ashes of the dead, to show - Puns were in vogue five thousand years ago. - - -The great and singular advantages of Punning, and the lustre it gives to -conversation, are commonly so little known in the world, that scarce one -man of learning in fifty, to their shame be it spoken, appears to have -the least tincture of it in his discourse. This I can impute to nothing -but that it hath not been reduced to a _science_; and indeed Cicero -seemed long ago to wish for it, as we may gather from his second book de -Oratore[1], where he has this remarkable passage: "Suavis autem est et -vehementer sæpe utilis jocus et facetiæ cum ambiguitate--in quibus tu -longè aliis meâ sententiâ, Cæsar, excellis: quo magìs mihi etiam testis -esse potes, aut nullam esse artem salis, aut, si qua est, eam nos tu -potissimum docebis." "Punning is extremely delightful, and oftentimes -very profitable; in which, as far as I can judge, Cæsar, you excel all -mankind; for which reason you may inform me, whether there be any art of -Punning; or, if there be, I beseech you, above all things, to instruct -me in it." So much was this great man affected with the art, and such a -noble idea did he conceive of it, that he gave Cæsar the preference to -all mankind, only on account of that accomplishment! - -[1] Lib. ii. § liv. - -Let critics say what they will, I will venture to affirm, that Punning, -of all arts and sciences, is the most extraordinary: for all others are -circumscribed by certain bounds; but this alone is found to have no -limits, because to excel therein requires a more extensive knowledge of -all things. A Punner must be a man of the greatest natural abilities, -and of the best accomplishments: his wit must be poignant and fruitful, -his understanding clear and distinct, his imagination delicate and -cheerful; he must have an extraordinary elevation of soul, far above all -mean and low conceptions; and these must be sustained with a vivacity -fit to express his ideas, with that grace and beauty, that strength and -sweetness, which become sentiments so truly noble and sublime. - -And now, lest I should be suspected of imposing upon my reader, I must -entreat him to consider how high Plato has carried his sentiments of -this art (and Plato is allowed by all men to have seen farther into -Heaven than any Heathen either before or since). Does not he say -positively, in his Cratylus, "Jocos et Dii amant," the gods themselves -love Punning? which I am apt to believe from Homer's [Greek: asbestos -gelôs], unextinguished laughter; because there is no other motive could -cause such continued merriment among the gods. - -As to the antiquity of this art, Buxtorf proves it to be very early -among the Chaldeans; which any one may see at large, who will read what -he says upon the word [Hebrew] Pun, Vocula est Chaldæis -familiarissima, &c. "It is a word that is most frequently in use among -the Chaldeans," who were first instructed in the methods of punning by -their magi, and gained such reputation, that Ptolemæus Philo-punnæus -sent for six of those learned priests, to propagate their doctrine of -puns in six of his principal cities; which they did with such success, -that his majesty ordered, by public edict, to have a full collection of -all the puns made within his dominions for three years past; and this -collection filled one large apartment of his library, having this -following remarkable inscription over the door: - - [Greek: Ichtseion psychês], - - "The shop of the soul's physic[2]." - -[2] Vide Joseph. Bengor. Chronic. in Edit. Georg. Homedidæ. Scriem -Godoliæ Tradit. Hebraic. Corpus Paradoseon Titulo Megill. c. i. § 8. -Chronic. Samarit. Abulphetachi. Megillat. Taanit. - -Some authors, but upon what ground it is uncertain, will have Pan, who -in the Æolic dialect is called Pun, to be the author of Puns, because, -they say, Pan being the god of universal nature, and Punning free of all -languages, it is highly probable that it owes its first origin, as well -as name, to this god: others again attribute it to Janus, and for this -reason--Janus had two faces; and of consequence they conjectured every -word he spoke had a double meaning. But, however, I give little credit -to these opinions, which I am apt to believe were broached in the dark -and fabulous ages of the world; for I doubt, before the first Olympiad, -there can be no great dependence upon profane history. - -I am much more inclined to give credit to Buxtorf; nor is it improbable -that Pythagoras, who spent twenty-eight years at Egypt in his studies, -brought this art, together with some arcana of philosophy, into Greece; -the reason for which might be, that philosophy and punning were a mutual -assistance to each other: "For," says he, "puns are like so many -torch-lights in the head, that give the soul a very distinct view of -those images, which she before seemed to grope after as if she had been -imprisoned in a dungeon." From whence he looked upon puns to be so -sacred, and had such a regard to them, that he left a precept to his -disciples, forbidding them to eat beans, because they were called in -Greek [Greek: pynnoi]. "Let not," says he, "one grain of the seeds be -lost; but preserve and scatter them over all Greece, that both our -gardens and our fields may flourish with a vegetable, which, on account -of its name, not only brings an honour to our country, but, as it -disperses its effluvia in the air, may also, by a secret impulse, -prepare the soul for punning, which I esteem the first and great -felicity of life." - -This art being so very well recommended by so great a man, it was not -long before it spread through all Greece, and at last was looked upon -to be such a necessary accomplishment, that no person was admitted to a -feast who was not first examined, and if he were found ignorant of -punning, he was dismissed with [Greek: Hechas hese bethêlos], "Hence, -ye profane!" - -If any one doubts the truth of what I say, let him consult the -apophthegms of Plutarch, who, after he had passed several encomiums upon -this art, gives some account of persons eminent in it; among which (to -shorten my preface) I choose one of the most illustrious examples, and -will entertain the courteous reader with the following story: "King -Philip had his collar-bone broken in a battle; and his physician -expecting money of him every visit, the king reproved him with a pun, -saying he had the key in his own hands." For the word [Greek: kle'eis], -in the original, signifies both a key and a collar-bone[3]. - -[3] Vide Plut. Apophth. p. 177. - -We have also several puns recorded in Diogenes Laertius's "Lives of the -Philosophers;" and those made by the wisest and gravest men among them, -even by Diogenes the cynick, who, although pretending to withstand the -irresistible charms of punning, was cursed with the name of an abhorrer -Yet, in spite of all his ill-nature and affectation (for he was a -tub-preacher), he made so excellent a pun, that Scaliger said, "He would -rather have been author of it, than king of Navarre." The story is as -follows: Didymus (not Didymus the commentator upon Homer, but a famous -rake among the ladies at Athens) having taken in hand to cure a virgin's -eye that was sore, had this caution given him by Diogenes, "Take care -you do not corrupt your pupil." The word [Greek: kora] signifies both -the pupil of the eye and a virgin[4]. - -[4] See Laërtius. - -It would be endless to produce all the authorities that might be -gathered, from Diodorus Siculus, Herodotus, Proconosius, Bergæus, -Dionysius Halicarnassensis, Lycophron, Pindar, Apollonius, Menander, -Aristophanes, Corinthus Cous, Nonnus, Demosthenes, Euripides, -Thucydides, Plato, Aristotle, &c.; from every one of which I should have -produced some quotations, were it not that we are so unfortunate in this -kingdom not to have Greek types sufficient for such an undertaking[5]: -for want of which, I have been put to the necessity, in the word -[Greek: kora], of writing an _alpha_ for an _éta_. - -[5] Though it is no uncommon thing for a country printer to be without -Greek types, this could scarcely be a serious complaint at Dublin in -1719. - -However, I believe it will not be amiss to bring some few testimonies, -to show in what great esteem the art of punning was among the most -refined wits at Rome, and that in the most polite ages, as will appear -from the following quotations. - -Quinctilian says[6], "Urbanitas est virtus quædam, in breve dictum, -verum sensu duplici, coacta, et apta ad delectandos homines," &c. Thus -translated, "Punning is a virtue, comprised in a short expression, with -a double meaning, and fitted to delight the ladies." - -[6] Institut. Orator. lib. vi. p. 265. - -Lucretius also, - - Quò magìs æternum da dictis, Diva, leporem. - - "Goddess, eternal puns on me bestow." - -And elsewhere, - - Omnia enim lepidi magìs admirantur, amántque - Germanis quæ sub verbis latitantia cernunt: - Verbaque constituunt simili fucata sonore, - Nec simili sensu, sed quæ mentita placerent. - - "All men of mirth and sense admire and love - Those words which like twin-brothers doubtful prove; - When the same sounds a different sense disguise, - In being deceived the greatest pleasure lies." - -Thus Claudian: - - Vocibus alternant sensus, fraudisque jocosæ, - Vim duplicem rident, lacrymosaque gaudia miscent. - - "From word to word th' ambiguous sense is play'd; - Laughing succeeds, and joyful tears are shed." - -And Martial: - - Sit mihi, Cinna, comes, salibus dictisque facetus, - Qui sapit ambiguos fundere ab ore sonos. - - "Cinna, give me the man, when all is done, - That wisely knows to crack a jest and pun." - -Petronius likewise will tell you, - - Dicta, sales, risus, urbana crepundia vocum, - Ingenii facilis quæ documenta dabunt. - - "Jokes, repartees, and laugh, and pun polite, - Are the true test to prove a man is right." - -And Lucan: - - Illi est imperium risus, qui fraude leporis - Ambigua fallens, humeros quatit usque solutis - Nexibus, ac tremuli trepidant curvamina dorsi, - Et jecur, et cordis fibras, et pandit anhelas - Pulmonis latebras-- - - "He's king of mirth, that slightly cheats our sense - With pun ambiguous, pleasing in suspense; - The shoulders lax become, the bending back - Upheaved with laughter, makes our ribs to crack; - E'en to the liver he can joys impart, - And play upon the fibres of the heart; - Open the chambers of _longues_[7], and there - Give longer life in laughing, than in air." - -[7] Potius _lungs_, as a Dutch commentator would observe. - -But to come nearer home, and our own times; we know that France, in the -late reign, was the seat of learning and policy; and what made it so, -but the great encouragement the king gave punners above any other men: -for it is too notorious, to quote any author for it, that Lewis le Grand -gave a hundred pistoles for one single pun-motto, made upon an abbot, -who died in a field, having a lily growing out of his a--: - - "Habe mortem præ oculis. - Abbé mort en prez au culiz." - -Nor was his bounty less to Monsieur de Ferry de Lageltre the painter -(though the pun and the picture turned against himself), who drew his -majesty shooting, and at some distance from him another man aiming at -the same fowl, who was withheld by a third person, pointing at the king, -with these words from his mouth, - - "Ne voyez vous le Roy tirant?" - -Having now, from the best authorities, plainly proved the antiquity and -excellence of the art of punning, nothing remains but to give some -general directions as to the manner how this science is to be taught. - - 1. Let the husband teach his wife to read it. - - 2. Let her be appointed to teach her children. - - 3. Let the head servant of the family instruct all the rest, - and that every morning before the master and mistress are up. - - 4. The masters and misses are to repeat a rule every day, with - the examples; and every visiting-day be brought up, to show the - company what fine memories they have. - - 5. They must go ten times through the book, before they be - allowed to aim at a pun. - - 6. They must every day of their lives repeat six synonymous - words, or words like in sound, before they be allowed to sit - down to dinner,--such as - - Assent, Ascent. - A Lass, Alas. - Bark, Barque. - - Alter, Altar. - A Peer, Appear. - Barbery, Barberrie. - - They are all to be found in metre, most laboriously compiled by - the learned author of "The English School-master," printed anno - 1641, London edit. p. 52. - - - 7. If any eldest son has not a capacity to attain to this - science, let him be disinherited as _non-compos_, and the - estate given to the next hopeful child. - - ----Si quid novisti rectius istis, - Candidus imperti: si non, his utere mecum[8]. - - "If any man can better rules impart, - I'll give him leave to do't with all my heart!" - -[8] Hor. Ep. I. i. 67. - - - - - A - - PARAGRAPH OF THE FIRST PREFACE - THAT WAS OMITTED, - -WHICH THE READER (ACCORDING TO HIS JUDGMENT OR - DISCRETION) MAY INSERT WHERE HE PLEASES. - - -There is a remarkable passage in Petronius Arbiter, which plainly -proves, by a royal example, that punning was a necessary ingredient to -make an entertainment agreeable. The words are these: "Ingerebat -nihilominus Trimalchio lentissima voce, Carpe. Ego, suspicatus ad -aliquam urbanitatem toties iteratam vocem pertinere, non erubui eum qui -supra me accumbebat hoc ipsum interrogare. At ille qui sæpius ejusmodi -ludos spectaverat, Vides, inquit, illum qui obsonium carpit, Carpus -vocatur. Itaque quotiescunque dicit Carpe, eodem verbo et vocat et -imperat." And it is further remarkable, that every day of his life he -made the same pun at dinner and supper. - -[Illustration] - - - - - A SECOND PREFACE. - - -Lest my modesty should be called in question, for venturing to appear in -print, in an age so famous for politeness and ingenuity, I think I am -bound to say this in my own defence, that these few sheets were not -designed to be made public, as being written for my own private use: but -what will not the importunity of friends conquer? they were no sooner -discovered in my study, but my merry friend George Rochfort, my learned -acquaintance Patrick Delany, and my much honoured patron Jonathan Swift, -all unanimously agreed, that I should do my own reputation and the world -that justice, as to send "such a treasure of knowledge" (as they were -pleased to express themselves) to the press. As for the work itself, I -may venture to say, it is a work of time and experience, and entirely -unattempted before. For which reason, I hope the candid reader will be -favourable in his judgment upon it, and consider that all sciences in -their infancy have been weak and feeble. The next age may supply where I -have been defective; and the next perhaps may produce a Sir Isaac in -punning. We know that logicians first spun out reason in categories, -predicaments, and enunciations; and at last they came to wind up their -bottoms in syllogisms, which is the completing of that science. - -The Chaldeans began the mathematics, in which the Egyptians flourished. -Then these, crossing the sea by the means of Thales the Milesian, came -into Greece, where they were improved very much by Pythagoras, -Anaxagoras, and OEnopides of Chios. These were followed by Briso, -Antipho, Hippocrates, &c. But the excellence of the algebraic art was -begun by Geber, an Arabian astronomer (whence as is conceived the word -_algebra_ took its rise), and was much since improved by Cardanus, -Tartaglia, Clavius, Stevinus, Ghetaldus, Herigenius, Fran. Van Schooten, -Florida de Beaune, &c. - -But to return to the Art of Punning again; the progress and improvement -of which, I hope, will be equal to the sciences I have mentioned; or to -any superior to them, if there be such: reader, I must trespass a little -longer on your patience, and tell you an old maxim, _Bonum quo -communius, eo melius_, "Good, the more common, the better it is." You -see, I have in imitation of the industrious bee gathered my honey from -various flowers; but yet I cannot say, without some diminution and loss -to the persons from whom I have taken the examples to my rules, who are -likely never to use their puns again. - -And here to avoid the imputation of ingratitude, I must declare to the -world, that my worthy friend Dr. R----, who is singularly remarkable for -his unparalleled skill in punning, and a most industrious promoter of -it, has been a very great instrument in bringing this work to light, as -well by animating me to proceed in it, as by endeavouring to procure a -good letter for the impression. - -The favourable acceptance that my puns have met with in some private -companies, makes me flatter myself, that my labours therein will be -candidly accepted, as they have been cordially intended to serve my -native country. - - TOM PUN-SIBI. - - _From my Study, up one Pair of - Stairs, ill-contrived Streetwards, - August 9th, 1719._ - - - - - THE - ART OF PUNNING. - - -"Punnata dicuntur, id ipsum, quod sunt, aliorum esse dicuntur, aut alio -quovis modo ad aliud referuntur." - -Puns, in their very nature and constitution, have a relation to -something else; or, if they have not, any other reason why will serve as -well. - - -_The Physical Definition of Punning, according to Cardan._ - -Punning is an art of harmonious jingling upon words, which, passing in -at the ears, and falling upon the diaphragma, excites a titillary motion -in those parts; and this being conveyed by the animal spirits into the -muscles of the face, raises the cockles of the heart. - - -_The Moral Definition of Punning._ - -Punning is a virtue that most effectually promotes the end of good -fellowship, which is laughing. - -N.B. I design to make the most celebrated punners in these kingdoms -examples to the following rules. - -Rule 1. The capital Rule. He that puns, must have a head for it; that -is, he must be a man of letters, of a sprightly and fine imagination, -whatever men may think of his judgment; like Dr. Swift[9], who said, -when a lady threw down a Cremona-fiddle with a frisk of her mantua, - - "Mantua væ miseræ nimium vicina Cremonæ!" - -[9] In the early editions of the tract, this admirable pun is ascribed -to Dr. Delany. - -Or if you would have a more obvious reason, St. Dennis never made a pun -after his head was cut off. Vid. Popish Legend, tom. lxxviii. p. 15,000. - -R. 2. The rule of Forehead. He must have good assurance, like my Lord -B----, who puns in all companies. - -R. 3. The Brazen Rule. He must have better assurance, like Brigadier -C----, who said, 'That, as he was passing through a street, he made to a -country fellow who had a hare swinging on a stick over his shoulder, -and, giving it a shake, asked him whether it was his own _hair_, or a -perriwig?' whereas it is a notorious Oxford jest. - -R. 4. The Rule of Impudence. He must have the best assurance, like Dr. -D----, who, although I had in three fair combats worsted him, yet had -the impudence to challenge me a fourth time. - -R. 5. Any person may pun upon another man's puns about half an hour -after he has made them; as Dr. E---- and Mr. F---- frequently do. - -I remember one day I was in company with them, and upon Major G---- -saying, 'That he would leave me the gout for a legacy,' I made answer, -and told the company,' I should be sorry to have such a _leg as he_.' -They both snapped it up in their turns, and had as much applause for the -pun as I had. - -R. 6. The Rule of Pun upon Pun. All puns made upon the word pun are to -be esteemed as so much old gold. _Ex. gr._ suppose two famous punsters -should contend for the superiority, and a man should wittily say, 'That -is a _Carthaginian_ war:' - -Q. How, sir? - -A. Why, sir, it is a _Pun-ick_ war. - -R. 7. The Socratic Rule is, to instruct others by way of question and -answer. - -Q. Who was the first drawer? - -A. _Potiphar._ - -Q. Which is the seat of the spleen? - -A. The _hips_. - -Q. Who were the first bakers? - -A. The _Crustumenians_. (Masters of the Rolls, quoth Capt. Wolseley). - -Q. Where did the first hermaphrodites come from? - -A. _Middle-sex._ - -Q. What part of England has the most _dogs_? - -A. _Bark-shire._ - -Q. From whence come the first _tumblers_? - -A. From _Somerset_. - -Q. Who were the first _mortgagers of land_? - -A. The people of _Cumber-land_. - -Q. What men in the world are the best _soldiers_? - -A. Your red-haired men, because they always carry their _fire-locks_ -upon their shoulders. - -Q. Why should a man in debt be called _a diver_? - -A. Because he has _dipped_ over head and ears. - -Q. Why are ladies of late years well qualified for hunting? - -A. Because they come with a _hoop_ and a _hollow_. - -Q. Why are the Presbyterians, Independents, &c. said to be vermin? - -A. Because they are _in-sects_. - -Q. Where were the first _breeches_ made? - -A. At _Thy-atira_. - -Q. Who were the first _gold-finders_? - -A. The _Turditani_. - -Q. What part of the world is best to _feed dogs_ in? - -A. _Lap-land._ - -Q. What prince in the world should have a _boar_ for his arms? - -A. The duke of _Tusk-any_. - -Q. Where do the best _corn-cutters_ live? - -A. At _Leg-horn_. - -Q. Why are horses with grease in their heels the best racers? - -A. Because their heels are given to _running_. - -Q. What is the reason that rats and mice are so much afraid of base -violins and fiddles? - -A. Because they are strung with _cat-gut_. - -Q. If a lawyer is a whig, and pretends to be a Tory, or _vice versa_, -why should his gown be stripped off? - -A. Because he is guilty of _sham-party_. - -Q. How many animals are concerned in the formation of the _English_ -tongue? - -A. According to _Buck_-anan, a great number; viz. _cat-egorical_, -_dog-matical_, _crow-nological_, _flea-botomy_, _fish-ognomy_, -_squirril-ity_, _rat-ification_, _mouse-olæum_, _pus-illanimity_, -_hare-editary_, _ass-tronomy_, _jay-ography_, _stag-yrite_, -_duck-tility_. - -Q. Where were the first _hams_ made? - -A. They were made in the temple of _Jupiter Hammon_, by the -_Hamadryades_; one of them (if we may depend upon _Baker's_ Chronicle) -was sent as a present to a gentleman in _Ham-shire_, of the family of -the _Ham-iltons_, who immediately sent it to _Ham-ton-court_, where it -was hung up by a string in the hall, by way of rarity, whence we have -the English phrase _ham-strung_. - - Thus did great Socrates improve the mind, - By questions useful since to all mankind; - For, when the purblind soul no farther saw, - Than length of nose, into dark Nature's law, - His method clear'd up all, enlarged the sight, - And so he taught his pupils with _day-light_. - -R. 8. The Rule of Interruption. Although the company be engaged in a -discourse of the most serious consequence, it is and may be lawful to -interrupt them with a pun. _Ex. gr._ suppose them poring over a problem -in mathematics, you may, without offence, ask them 'How go _squares_ -with them?' You may say too, 'That, being too intent upon those -figures, they are become _cycloeid_, i. e. _sickly-eyed_; for which they -are a pack of _loga-rithms_, i. e. _loggerheads_.' Vide R. 34. - -R. 9. The Rule of Risibility. A man must be the first that laughs at his -own pun; as _Martial_ advises: - - "_Qui studet alterius risum captare lepore, - Imprimis rictum contrahat ipse suum._" - - "He that would move another man to laughter, - Must first begin, and t'other soon comes after." - -R. 10. The Rule of Retaliation obliges you, if a man makes fifty puns, -to return all, or the most of them, in the same kind. As for instance: -Sir W---- sent me a catalogue of Mrs. Prudence's scholars, and desired -my advice as to the management of them: - -Miss-Chief, the ringleader. - -Miss-Advice, that spoils her face with paint. - -Miss-Rule, that does every thing she is forbid. - -Miss-Application, who has not done one letter in her sampler. - -Miss-Belief, who cannot say the Creed yet. - -Miss-Call, a perfect Billingsgate. - -Miss-Fortune, that lost her grandmother's needle. - -Miss-Chance, that broke her leg by romping. - -Miss-Guide, that led the young misses into the dirt. - -Miss-Lay'd, who left her porringer of flour and milk where the cat got -at it. - -Miss-Management, that let all her stockings run out at heels for want of -darning. - -For which I sent the following masters: - -Master-Stroke, to whip them. - -Master-Workman, to dress them. - -Master-Ship, to rig them. - -Master-Lye, to excuse them. - -Master-Wort, to purge them. - -Master-Piece, to patch them. - -Master-Key, to lock them up. - -Master-Pock, to mortify them. - - If these can't keep your ladies quiet, - Pull down their courage with low diet. - Perhaps, dear sir, you'll think it cruel - To feed them on plain water-gruel; - But take my word, the best of breeding! - As it is plain, requires plain feeding. - - _Vide Roscommon._ - -R. 11. The Rule of Repetition: You must never let a pun be lost, but -repeat and comment upon it till every one in the company both hears and -understands it; _ex. gr._ Sir, I have good wine to give you; excellent -_pontack_, which I got _'pon tick_; but, sir, we must have a little -_pun-talk_ over it; you take me, sir, and you, and you too, -madam.--There is _pun-talk_ upon _pontack_, and _'pon tick_ too, hey. - -R. 12. The Elementary Rule. Keep to your _elements_, whether you have -_fish_, _fowl_, or _flesh_, for dinner: As for instance, Is not this -_fish_ which Mr. _Pool_ sent me, _ex-stream_ sweet? I think it is _main_ -good, what say you? O' my _sole_, I never tasted better, and I think it -ought to take _plaice_ of any that _swims_: though you may _carp_ at me -for saying so, I can assure you that both Dr. _Spratt_ and Dr. _Whaley_ -are of my mind.--This is an excellent _fowl_, and a fit dish for -_high-flyers_. Pray, sir, what is your _o-pinion_ of this _wing_? As for -the _leg_, the cook ought to be _clapper-clawed_ for not roasting it -enough. But, now I think of it, why should this be called the bird of -Bacchus? A. Because it was dressed by your drunken cook. Not at all. You -mistake the matter. Pray is it not a _grape-lover_; i. e. _grey plover_? -Are you for any of this mutton, Sir? If not, I can tell you, that you -ought to be _lamb-asted_; for you must know that I have the best in the -country. My _sheep_ bear away the _bell_, and I can assure you that, all -_weathers_, I can treat my friends with as good _mutton_ as this: he -that cannot make a meal of it, ought to have it _ram-med_ down his -throat. - -R. 13. The Rule of Retrospection. By this you may recall a discourse -that has been past two hours, and introduce it thus: 'Sir, as you were -saying two hours ago--you bought those stockings in Wales; I believe it, -for they seem to be _well-chose_, i. e. _Welsh-hose_.'--'Sir, you were -saying, if I mistake not, an hour or two ago, that soldiers have the -speediest justice. I agree with you in that; for they are never without -_red-dress_.' - -R. 14. The Rule of Transition; which will serve to introduce any thing -that has the most remote relation to the subject you are upon; _ex. gr._ -If a man puns upon a _stable_, you may pun upon a _cornfield_, a -_meadow_, a _horse-park_, a _smith's_ or _sadler's shop_; _ex. gr._ One -says, His horses are gone to _rack_.' Then you answer, 'I would turn out -the rascal that looks after them. _Hay_, sir, don't you think I am -right? I would _strike while the iron is hot_; and _pummel_ the dog to -some purpose.' - -R. 15. The Rule of Alienation; which obliges you, when people are -disputing hotly upon a subject, to pitch upon that word which gives the -greatest disturbance, and make a pun upon it. This has not only -occasioned peace in private companies, but has put a stop to hot -wranglings in parliaments and convocations, which otherwise would not so -soon come to a resolution: for, as Horace says, _Ridiculum acri_, &c.; -and very often it is found so. Sir -------- once, in parliament, brought -in a bill which wanted some amendment; which being denied him by the -house, he frequently repeated, 'That he thirsted to mend his bill.' Upon -which, a worthy member got up, and said, 'Mr. Speaker, I humbly move, -since that member _thirsts_ so very much, that he may be allowed to mend -his _draught_.' This put the house into such a good humour, that his -petition was granted. - -R. 16. The Rule of Analogy is, when two persons pun upon different -subjects, after the same manner. Ay, says one, 'I went to my -_shoe-maker's_ to-day for a pair of _shoes_ which I bespoke a month ago; -and when _all_ came to _all_, the dog _bristles_ up to me with a -thousand excuses, that I thought there would never be an _end_ of his -discourse: but, upon my calling him a rascal, he began to _wax_ warm, -and had the impudence to bid me to _vamp_ off, for he had not leisure -now to talk to me, because he was going to dinner: which vexed me indeed -to the very _sole_. Upon this I jumped out of his shop in a great rage, -and wished the next bit he eat might be his _last_.' Says another, 'I -went to a _tanner's_ that owed me some money; and (would you think it?) -the _pitiful_ fellow was _fleshed_ at it, insomuch that forsooth he -could not _hide_ his resentment, but told me, that it was enough to set -a man _horn_ mad to be _dunned_ so early in a morning: and, as for his -part, he would _curry_ favour no longer with me, let me do my worst. -Thus the unmannerly cur _barked_ at me, &c.' - -R. 17. The Sophistical Rule is, fixing upon a man's saying which he -never spoke, and making a pun upon it, as, 'Ay, sir, since you say he -was born in _Bark-shire_, I say he is a _son of a bitch_.' - -R. 18. The Rule of Train, is a method of introducing puns which we have -studied before; _ex. gr._ By talking of _Truelock_ the _gun-smith_, his -very name will provoke some person in the company to pun. Then you -proceed: 'Sir, _I smell powder_, but you are plaguy weak in your -_mainspring_ for punning; I would advise you to get a better _stock_, -before you pretend to _let off_: though you may think yourself _prime_ -in this art, you are much mistaken, for a very young beginner may be a -_match_ for you. Ay, sir, you may _cock_ and look big; but, _u-pan_ my -word, I take you to be no more than a _flash_; and Mrs. Skin-_flint_, my -neighbour, shall pun with you for a _pistole_, if I do not _lose my -aim_, &c.' - -R. 19. The Rule of Challenge. As for instance, when you have conned over -in your mind a chain of puns, you surprise the best punner in company, -after this manner: 'Say _Tan-pit_, if you dare.' - -R. 20. The Sanguine Rule allows you to swear a man out of his pun, and -prove yourself the author of it; as Dr. S--served Capt. W--, who was -told how a _slater_, working at his house, fell through all the rafters -from top to bottom, and that upon this accident he said, 'He loved to -see a man _go cleverly through his work_.' 'That is mine, by----,' said -the Doctor. - -R. 21. The Rule of Concatenation is making a string of puns as fast as -you can, that nobody else can put in a word till you have exhausted the -subject; _ex. gr._ There was one _John Appleby_, a _gardener_, fell in -love with one Mrs. _Curran_, for her _cherrycheeks_ and her _lily_ white -hand; and soon after he got her consent to _graft_ upon her _stock_. -Mr. _Link_ the parson was sent for, who joined the loving _pair_ -together; Mr. _Rowintree_ and Mr. _Holy-oak_ were bride-men. The company -were, my lady _Joan Keel_, who _came-a-mile_ on foot to compliment them; -and her maid _Sally_, remarkable for her _carrots_, that rid upon a -_chestnut_. There was Dr. _Burrage_ too, a constant _medlar_ in other -people's affairs. He was lately _im-peach'd_ for murdering Don -_Quick-set_. Mrs. _Lettice Skirret_ and Mrs. _Rose-merry_ were the -bride-maids; the latter sang a song to oblige the company, which an arch -wag called a funeral dirge: but, notwithstanding this, our friend _John_ -began to thrive upon matrimony like a _twig in a bush_. I forgot to tell -you, that the tailor had so much _cabbage_ out of the wedding suit, -there was none at all for supper. - -R. 22. The Rule of Inoculating is, when a person makes an excellent pun, -and you immediately fix another upon it; as Dean Swift one day said to a -gentleman, who had a very little bob wig, 'Sir, the _dam_ of your wig is -a _whisker_;' upon which I came in very _à propos_, and said, 'Sir, that -cannot be, for it is but an _ear-wig_.' - -R. 23. The Rule of Desertion allows you to bring a man into a pun, and -leave him to work it out: as, suppose you should hear a man say the word -_incomparable_----Then you proceed, _in-com-incom-par-par-rable-rable_ -----So let the other make his best of it. - -R. 24. The Salick Rule is, a pretence to a jumping of wits: that is, -when a man has made a good pun, the other swears with a pun he was just -coming out with it. One night, I remember, Mr. ---- served Dr. ---- so. -The former saying over a bottle, 'Will, I am for my mistress here.' 'How -so?' says Tom. 'Why, I am for _Wine-if-red_.' 'By this _crooked -stick_[10],' said Tom, 'I was coming out with it.' - -[10] _Cane-a-wry_, _i. e._ Canary. - -R. 25. The Etymological Rule is, when a man hunts a pun through every -letter and syllable of a word: as for example, I am asked, 'What is the -best word to spend an evening with?' I answered, '_Potatos_; for there -is _po--pot--pota--potat--potato_, and the reverse _sot-a-top_.' - -R. 26. The Rule of Mortification is, when a man having got the thanks -and laugh of a company for a good pun, an enemy to the art swears he -read it in "Cambridge Jests." This is such an inversion of it, that I -think I may be allowed to make examples of these kind of people in -verse: - - Thus puppies, that adore the dark, - Against bright Cynthia howl and bark; - Although the regent of the night, - Like us, is gay with borrow'd light. - -R. 57. The Professionary Rule[11] is, to frame a story, and swear you -were present at an event where every man talked in his own calling; _ex. -gr._ Major ---- swears he was present at the seizing of a pick-pocket by -a great rabble in Smithfield; and that he heard - - A Tailor say, 'Send the dog to _hell_.' - - The Cook, 'Let me be at him, I'll _baste_ him.' - - The Joiner, 'It is _plain_ the dog was caught in the fact; I - _saw_ him.' - - The Blacksmith, 'He is a fine _spark_ indeed!' - - The Butcher, '_Knock down_ the _shambling_ cur.' - - The Glazier, 'Make the _light shine through him_.' - - The Bookseller, '_Bind him_ over.' - - The Sadler, '_Pummel_ him.' - - The Farmer, '_Thrash_ the dog.' - - A Popish Priest going by, 'I'll make the _Devil fly out of - him_.' - -[11] An improvement on this rule was adopted by Dr. Swift, in his "Full -and True Account of Wood's Procession to the Gallows." - -R. 28. The Brazen-head Rule is, when a punster stands his ground against -a whole company, though there is not one to side with him, to the utter -destruction of all conversation but his own. As for instance--says one, -'I hate a _pun_.'--Then he, 'When a _pun is meant_, is it a -_punishment_?'--'Deuce take your quibbling!'--'Sir, I will not bate you -an _ace_, _cinque_ me if I do; and I'll make you know that I am a _sice_ -above you.'--'This fellow cannot talk out of his _element_.'--'To divert -you was _all I meant_.' - -R. 29. The Hypothetic Rule is, when you suppose things hardly consistent -to be united, for the sake of a pun: as for instance--suppose a person -in the pillory had received a full discharge of eggs upon every part of -his face but the handle of it; why should he make the longest verses in -the world? Ans. _Versos Alexandrinos_, _i. e._ All-eggs-and-dry-nose. - -R. 30. The Rule of Naturalization is, that punning is free of all -languages: as for the Latin _Romanos_ you may say 'Roman -nose'--_Temeraria_, 'Tom, where are you?'--_Oxoniæ prospectus_, 'Pox on -you, pray speak to us. For the French _quelque chose_, you may say in -English 'kick shoes.' When one says of a thief, 'I wish he was -transported;' answer, 'he is already _fur_ enough.' Dr. Swift made an -excellent advantage of this rule one night: when a certain peevish -gentleman in his company had lost his _spectacles_, he bid him 'have a -good heart, for, if it continued raining all night, he would find them -in the morning.'--'Pray, how so?'--'Why, sir, - - 'Nocte pluit tota, redeunt _spectacula_ manè.' - -R. 31. The Rule of Random. When a man speaks any thing that comes -uppermost, and some good pun-finder discovers what he never meant in it, -then he is to say, 'You have hit it!' As Major Grimes did: complaining -that he staid at home by reason of an issue in a leg, which was just -beginning to run, he was answered by Mr.--, 'I wonder that you should be -confined who have such running legs.' The Major replied, 'You have hit -it; for I meant _that_.' - -R. 32. The Rule of Scandal. Never to speak well of another punster; _ex. -gr._ 'Who, he! Lord, sir, he has not sense enough to play at crambo;' or -'He does not know the meaning of synonymous words;' or, 'He never rose -so high as a conundrum or a carrywhichit.' - -R. 33. The Rule of Catch is, when you hear a man conning a pun softly to -himself, to whip it out of his mouth, and pass it upon the company for -your own: as for instance; mustard happened to be mentioned in company -where I was, and a gentleman with his eyes fixed upon the ceiling, was -at _Mus--mus, sinapi--sinapi--snap eye--bite nose_;--One in the company, -over-hearing him, _bit_ him, and _snapped_ it up, and said, 'Mustard is -the stoutest seed in the world, for it takes the greatest man by the -_nose_.' - -R. 34. The Golden Rule allows you to change one syllable for another; by -this, you may either lop off, insert, or add to a word; _ex. gr._ - -For Church--_Kirk_. - -For Bangor--_Clangor_. - -For Presbyter--_Has-biter_. - -This rule is of such consequence, that a man was once tried for his life -by it. The case was thus: A certain man was brought before a judge of -assize for murder: his lordship asked his name, and being answered -_Spillman_, the judge said, 'Take away _Sp_, and his name is _Ill-man_; -put _K_ to it, and it is _Killman_: away with him, gaoler; his very -name has hanged him[12].' This 34th rule, on this occasion, became a -rule of court, and was so well liked, that a justice of peace, who shall -be nameless, applied every tittle of it to a man brought to him upon the -same account, after this manner: 'Come, sir, I conjure you, as I am one -of his majesty's justices of the peace, to tell me your name.'--'My -name, an't please you, is _Watson_.'--'O ho, sir! _Watson_! mighty well! -Take away _Sp_ from it, and it is _Ill-man_, and put _K_ to it, and it -is _Kill-man_: away with him, constable, his very name will hang him.' - -[12] A presbyterian preacher of the last age chose to exemplify the -Golden Rule, by dissecting the name of the great enemy of mankind: 'Take -away D, and it is _Evil_, take away the E, and it is _Vile_, take away -the V, and it is _Ill_--_Ill, Vile, Evil, Devil_.' - -Let us now consider a new case; as for instance, 'The church of England, -as by law established.' Put a _T_ before it, and it is _Test-ablished_: -take away the _Test_ and put in _o_, and it is _Abolished_. - -[Illustration] - -How much was Tom Gordon, the late ingenious author of Parson Alberoni, -obliged to it, in that very natural story which he framed concerning the -preacher, where he tells you, one of the congregation called the -minister an _Humbassandor_ for an Ambassador[13]. - -[13] The story here alluded to is told in a pamphlet, entitled, 'A -modest Apology for Parson Alberoni, Governor to King Philip, a Minor, -and universal Curate of the whole Spanish Monarchy, &c. by Thomas -Gordon, Esq. 1719,' and is as follows: 'There is, in a certain diocese -in this nation, a living worth about six hundred pounds a-year. This, -and two or three more preferments, maintain the doctor in becoming ease -and corpulency. He keeps a chariot in town, and a journeyman in the -country; his curate and his coach-horses are his equal drudges, saving -that the four-legged cattle are better fed, and have sleeker cassocks, -than his spiritual dray-horse. The doctor goes down once a-year, to -shear his flock and fill his pockets, or, in other words, to receive the -wages of his embassy; and then, sometimes in an afternoon, if his belly -do not happen to be too full, he vouchsafes to mount the pulpit, and to -instruct his people in the greatness of his character and dullness. This -composes the whole parish to rest; but the doctor one day denouncing -himself _the Lord's Ambassador_ with greater fire and loudness than -could have been reasonably expected from him, it roused a clown of the -congregation, who waked his next neighbour with, 'Dost hear, Tom, dost -hear?'--'Ay,' says Tom, yawning, 'what does he say?'--'Say?' answered -the other, 'he says a plaguy lie, to be sure; he says as how he is my -Lord's _Humbassandor_, but I think he is more rather the Lord's -Receiver-General, for he never comes but to take money.' Six hundred -pounds a-year is, modestly speaking, a competent fee for lulling the -largest congregation in England asleep once in a twelvemonth. Such -tithes are the price of napping; and such mighty odds are there between -a curtain lecture and a cushion lecture.' See the collection of Tracts -by Gordon and Trenchard, vol. i. p. 130. - -Give me leave, courteous reader, to recommend to your perusal and -practice this most excellent rule, which is of such universal use and -advantage to the learned world, that the most valuable discoveries, both -as to antiquities and etymologies, are made by it; nay, further, I will -venture to say, that all words which are introduced to enrich and make a -language copious, beautiful, and harmonious, arise chiefly from this -rule. Let any man but consult Bentley's Horace, and he will see what -useful discoveries that very learned gentleman has made by the help of -this rule; or, indeed, poor Horace would have lain under the eternal -reproach of making 'a _fox_ eat _oats_,' had not the learned doctor, -with great judgment and penetration, found out _nitedula_ to be a -blunder of the librarians for _vulpecula_; which _nitedula_, the doctor -says, signifies a _grass-mouse_, and this clears up the whole matter, -because it makes the story hang well together: for all the world knows, -that weazles have a most tender regard and affection to grass mice, -whereas they hate foxes as they do fire-brands. In short, all various -lections are to be attributed to this rule: so are all the Greek -dialects; or Homer would have wanted the sonorous beauty of his oio's. -But the greatest and best masters of this rule, without dispute, were -the Dorians, who made nothing of saying _tin_ for _soie_, _tenos_ for -_ekeinos_, _surisdomes_ for _surizomen_, &c. From this too we have our -_quasis_ in Lexicons. Was it not, by rule the 34th, that the Samaritan, -Chaldee, Æthiopic, Syriac, Arabic, and Persian languages were formed -from the original Hebrew? for which I appeal to the Polyglot. And among -our modern languages, are not the Italian, Spanish, Portuguese, and -French, derived and formed from the Latin by the same power? How much -poets have been obliged to it, we need no further proof than the figures -_prothesis_, _epenthesis_, _apocope_, _paragoge_, and _ellipsis_. -Trimming and fitting of words to make them more agreeable to our ears, -Dionysius Halicarnassensis has taken notice of, in his book 'De -Compositione Vocum,' where he pleasantly compares your polite reformers -of words to masons with hammers, who break off rugged corners of stones, -that they may become more even and firm in their places. - -But after all, give me leave to lament, that I cannot have the honour of -being the sole inventor of this incomparable rule: though I solemnly -protest, upon the word of an author (if an author may have credit), -that I never had the least hint toward it, any more than the ladies' -letters and young children's pronunciation, till a year after I had -proposed this rule to Dr.----, who was an excellent judge of the -advantage it might be to the public; when, to my great surprise, -tumbling over the third tome of Alstedius, p. 71, right loth to believe -my eyes, I met with the following passage: "Ambigua multam faciunt ad -hanc rem, oujusmodi exempla plurima reperiuntur apud Plautum, qui in -ambiguis crebro ludit. Joci captantur ex permutatione syllabarum et -vocum, ut pro _De_cretum, _Dis_cretum; pro _Me_dicus, _Men_dicus et -_Mer_dicus: pro Poly_carpus_, Poly_eopros_. Item ex syllabarum ellipsi, -ut ait Althusisus, cap. iii. civil. convers. pro Casimirus, _J'rus_; pro -Marcus, _Arcus_; pro Vinosus, _Osus_; pro Sacerdotium, _Otium_. Sic, -additione literæ, pro Urbanus, _Turbanus_:" which exactly corresponded -to every branch and circumstance of my rule. Then, indeed, I could not -avoid breaking out into the following exclamations, and that after a -most pathetic manner: "Wretched Tom Pun-Sibi! Wretched indeed! Are all -thy nocturnal lucubrations come to this? Must another, for being a -hundred years before thee in the world, run away with the glory of thy -own invention? It is true, he must. Happy Alstedius! who, I thought, -would have stood me in _all-stead_, upon consulting thy method of -joking! _All's tedious_ to me now, since thou hast robbed me of that -honour which would have set me above all writers of the present age. And -why not, happy Tom Pun-Sibi? did we not jump together like true wits? -But, alas! thou art on the safest side of the bush; my credit being -liable to the suspicion of the world, because you wrote before me. -Ill-natured critics, in spite of all my protestations, will condemn me, -right or wrong, for a plagiary. Henceforward never write any thing of -thy own; but pillage and trespass upon all that ever wrote before thee: -search among dust and moths for things new to the learned. Farewell, -study; from this moment I abandon thee: for, wherever I can get a -paragraph upon any subject whatsoever ready done to my hand, my head -shall have no further trouble than see it fairly transcribed!"--And this -method, I hope, will help me to swell out the Second Part of this work. - - THE END OF THE FIRST PART. - - - - - TOM PUN-SIBI; - - OR, - - THE GIBER GIB'D[14]. - - _Mirandi novitate movebere mostri._--Ovid. - -[14] The Art of Punning was originally printed at Dublin in 1719, -immediately reprinted in London, and then pretty generally ascribed to -Dr. Swift. It appears, however, that in this instance the Dean was only -an assistant; the piece having been written by Dr. Sheridan, and -corrected and improved by Dr. Swift, Dr. Delany, and Mr. Rochfort. -Although it does not seem calculated to give offence to any one, it -however called forth the above Satire from the pen of Dr. Tisdal. - - - Tom was a little merry grig, - Fiddled and danced to his own jig; - Good-natured, but a little silly; - Irresolute, and shally-shilly: - What he should do, he cou'dn't guess. - Swift used him like a man at chess; - He told him once that he had wit, - But was in jest, and Tom was bit. - Thought himself second son of Phoebus, - For ballad, pun, lampoon, and rebus. - He took a draught of Helicon, - But swallowed so much water down, - He got a dropsy; now they say, 'tis - Turn'd to poetic diabetes; - For all the liquor he has pass'd, - Is without spirit, salt, or taste: - But, since it pass'd, Tom thought it wit, - And so he writ, and writ, and writ: - He writ the famous Punning Art, - The Benefit of p--s and f--t; - He writ the Wonder of all Wonders; - He writ the Blunder of all Blunders; - He writ a merry farce or poppet, - Taught actors how to squeak and hop it; - A treatise on the Wooden-man[15], - A ballad on the nose of Dan; - The art of making April fools, - The four-and-thirty quibbling rules. - The learned say, that Tom went snacks - With Philomaths, for almanacks; - Though they divided are, for some say, - He writ for Whaley, some for Cumpstey[16]. - Hundreds there are, who will make oath, - That he writ almanacks for both; - And, though they made the calculations, - Tom writ the monthly observations! - Such were his writings, but his chatter - Was one continual clitter-clatter. - Swift slit his tongue, and made it talk, - Cry, 'Cup o' sack,' and 'Walk, knave, walk!' - And fitted little prating Pall - For wire-cage, in Common-Hall; - Made him expert at quibble-jargon, - And quaint at selling of a bargain. - Pall, he could talk in different linguos, - But he could not be taught distinguos: - Swift tried in vain, and angry thereat, - Into a spaniel turn'd the parrot; - Made him to walk on his hind-legs, - He dances, fawns, and paws, and begs; - Then cuts a caper o'er a stick[17], - Lies close, does whine, and creep, and lick: - Swift put a bit upon his snout, - Poor Tom! he daren't look about; - But when that Swift does give the word, - He snaps it up, though 'twere a t--. - Swift strokes his back, and gives him victual, - And then he makes him lick his spittle. - Sometimes he takes him on his lap, - And makes him grin, and snarl, and snap. - He sets the little cur at me; - Kick'd, he leapt upon his knee; - I took him by the neck to shake him, - And made him void his _album Græcum_. - 'Turn out the stinking cur, pox take him!' - Quoth Swift: though Swift could sooner want any - Thing in the world, than a Tanta-ny, - And thus not only makes his grig - A parrot, spaniel, but his pig. - -[15] The wooden-man was a famed door-post in Dublin. - -[16] Famous Irish almanack makers. - -[17] This was literally true between Swift and Sheridan. - - - - - ADVERTISEMENT. - -The Second Part of this Work will be published with all convenient -expedition: to which will be added, A small Treatise of Conundrums, -Carriwhichits, and Long-petites; together with the Winter-fire's -Diversion; The Art of making Rebuses; The Antiquity of Hoop-petticoats -proved from Adam's two Daughters, Calmana and Delbora, &c. &c. &c. - - - - - A - - PUNNING LETTER - - TO THE - - EARL OF PEMBROKE, - - PRETENDED TO BE THE DYING SPEECH OF TOM ASHE, - WHOSE BROTHER, THE REVEREND DILLON ASHE, WAS - NICK-NAMED DILLY. - - -Tom Ashe died last night. It is conceived he was so puffed up by my lord -lieutenant's _favour_, that it struck him into a _fever_. I here send -you his dying speech, as it was exactly taken by a friend in short-hand. -It is something long, and a little incoherent; but he was several hours -delivering it, and with several intervals. His friends were about the -bed, and he spoke to them thus: - - My Friends, - -It is time for a man to look _grave_, when he has one foot there. I once -had only a _pun_nic fear of death; but of late I have _pun_dred it more -seriously. Every fit of _coughing_ hath put me in mind of my _coffin_; -though _dissolute_ men seldomest think of _dissolution_. This is a very -great alteration: I, that supported myself with good _wine_, must now be -myself supported by a _small bier_. A fortune-teller once looked on my -hand, and said, 'This man is to be a great traveller; he will soon be at -the _Diet_ of _Worms_, and from thence go to _Ratisbone_.' But now I -understand his double meaning. I desire to be privately _buried_, for I -think a public funeral looks like _Bury_ fair; and the _rites_ of the -dead too often prove _wrong_ to the living. Methinks the word itself -best expresses the number, neither _few nor all_. A dying man should not -think of _obsequies_, but _ob se quies_. Little did I think you would so -soon see poor _Tom stown_ under a _tomb stone_. But as the _mole_ -crumbles the _mould_ about her, so a man of small _mould_, before I am -_old_, may _moulder_ away. Sometimes I've _rav'd_ that I should -_rev_ive; but physicians tell me, that, when once the great _artery_ has -drawn the _heart awry_, we shall find the _cor di all_, in spite of all -the highest _cordial_. Brother, you are fond of _Daffy's_ elixir: but, -when death comes, the world will see that, in spite of _Daffy down -Dilly_, whatever doctors _may design_ by their _medicines_, a man in a -_dropsy drops he_ not, in spite of Goddard's _drops_, though none are -reckoned such _high drops_?--I find death smells the blood of an -Englishman: a _fee_ faintly _fum_bled out will be a weak defence against -his _fee-fa-fum_.--_P.T._ are no letters in death's _alphabet_; he has -not _half a bit_ of either: he moves his _scythe_, but will not be moved -by all our _sighs_. Every thing ought to put us in mind of death. -Physicians affirm, that our very food breeds it in us; so that in our -_dieting_, we may be said to _di eating_. There is something ominous, -not only in the names of diseases, as _di_-arrhoea, _di_-abetes, -_di_-sentery, but even in the drugs designed to preserve our lives; as -_di_-acodium, _di_-apente, _di_-ascordium. I perceive Dr. _Howard_ (and -I feel _how hard_) _lay thumb_ on my _pulse_, then _pulls_ it back, as -if he saw _lethum_ in my face. I see as bad in his; for sure there is no -_physic_ like a _sick phiz_. He thinks I shall _decease_ before the _day -cease_; but, before I die, before the bell hath _toll'd_, and _Tom -Tollman_ is _told_ that little _Tom_, though not _old_, has paid -nature's _toll_, I do desire to give some advice to those that survive -me. First, let gamesters consider that death is _hazard_ and _passage_, -upon the turn of a _die_. Let lawyers consider it as a hard _case_. And -let punners consider how hard it is to _die jesting_, when death is so -hard in _digesting_. - -As for my lord-lieutenant the Earl of _Mungomerry_, I am sure he -_be-wales_ my misfortune; and it would move him to stand by, when the -carpenter (while my friends grieve and make an _odd splutter_) _nails_ -up my coffin. I will make a short _affidavi_-t, that, if he makes my -_epitaph_, I will take it for a great honour; and it is a plentiful -subject. His excellency may say, that the art of punning is dead with -_Tom_. _Tom_ has taken all puns away with him. _Omne tulit -pun-Tom._----May his excellency long _live tenant_ to the queen in -_Ireland_. We never _Herberd_ so good a governor before. Sure he -_mun-go-merry_ home, that has made a kingdom so happy. I hear, my -friends design to publish a collection of my puns. Now I do confess, I -have let many a _pun go_, which did never _pungo_; therefore the world -must read the bad as well as the good. Virgil has long foretold it: -_Punica mala leges_.----I have had several forebodings that I should -soon die: I have of late been often at committees, where I have sat de -_die_ in _diem_.----I conversed much with the _usher_ of the _black -rod_: I saw his _medals_; and woe is _me dull_ soul, not to consider -they are but dead men's faces _stampt over_ and _over_ by the living, -which will shortly be my condition. - -Tell Sir _Anthony Fountain_, I _ran_ clear to the _bottom_, and wish he -may be a late _a river_ where I am going. He used to _brook_ -compliments. May his _sand_ be long a _running_; not _quick sand_ like -mine! Bid him avoid _poring_ upon monuments and books; which is in -reality but _running_ among _rocks_ and _shelves_, to _stop_ his -_course_. May his _waters_ never be _troubled_ with _mud_ or _gravel_, -nor _stopt_ by any _grinding stone_! May his friends be all true -_trouts_, and his enemies laid as flat as _flounders_! I look upon him -as the most _fluent_ of his _race_; therefore let him not _despond_. I -foresee his black _rod_ will advance to a _pike_, and destroy all our -_ills_. - -But I am going; my _wind in_ lungs is turning to a _winding_ sheet. The -thoughts of _a pall_ begin to _a pall_ me. Life is but a _vapour_, car -elle _va pour_ la moindre cause. Farewell: I have lived ad amicorum -_fastidium_, and now behold how _fast I dium_! - -Here his breath failed him, and he expired. There are some false -spellings here and there; but they must be pardoned in a dying man. - - - - - A - - LETTER - - GIVING AN ACCOUNT OF - - A PESTILENT NEIGHBOUR. - - - Sir, - -You must give me leave to complain of a _pestilent_ fellow in my -neighbourhood, who is always beating _mortar_; yet I cannot find he ever -builds. In talking, he useth such hard words, that I want a Drugger-man -to interpret them. But all is not gold that _glisters_. _A pot he -carries_ to most houses where he visits. He makes his prentice his -_gally_ slave. I wish our lane were _purged_ of him. Yet he pretends to -be a _cordial_ man. Every _spring_ his shop is crowded with -country-folks, who, by their _leaves_, in my opinion, help him to do a -great deal of mischief. He is full of _scruples_; and so very litigious, -that he _files bills_ against all his acquaintance: and, though he be -much troubled with the _simples_, yet I assure you he is a _Jesuitical -dog_; as you may know by his _bark_. Of all poetry he loves the -_dram-a-tick_. I am, &c. - - - - - A - - PUNNING EPISTLE ON MONEY. - - - Worthy Mr. Pennyfeather, - -Madam Johnson has been very ill-used by her servants; they put -_shillings_ into her broth instead of _groats_, which made her stamp. I -hear they had them from one _Tom Ducket_, a tenant to Major _Noble_, who -I am told is reduced to _nine-pence_. We are doubting whether we shall -dine at the _Crown_ or the _Angel_. Honest _Mark Cob_, who has been much -_moydored_ of late, will dine with us, but 'Squire _Manypenny_ and -Captain _Sterling_ desire to be excused, for they are engaged with Ned -_Silver_ to dine in _Change_-alley. They live in great har-_mony_; they -met altogether last week, and sate as loving as horses in a _pound_. I -suppose you have heard of the _rhino_-ceros lately arrived here. A -captain was _cash_-iered on Wednesday. A scavenger abused me this -morning, but I made him down with his dust, which indeed was a -_far-thing_ from my intentions. Mrs. Brent had a _pi-stole_ from her; I -would a' _ginny'e_ a good deal for such another. Mrs. _Dingley_ has made -a _souse_ for your collard-eel. Alderman _Coyn_ presents his service to -you. I have nothing but _half-pens_ to write with, so that you must -excuse this scrawl. One of my seals fell into a _chink_. I am, without -alloy, - - Your most obedient, - TOM MITE. - -P.S. Mr. _Cole_ presents his service to you, of which I am a-_tester_. - - - - - GOD'S REVENGE AGAINST PUNNING, - - BY DR. ARBUTHNOT; - -SHOWING THE MISERABLE FATES OF PERSONS ADDICTED - TO THIS CRYING SIN IN COURT AND TOWN. - - -Manifold have been the judgments which Heaven, from time to time, for -the chastisement of a sinful people, has inflicted on whole nations. For -when the degeneracy becomes common, 'tis but just the punishment should -be general: Of this kind, in our own unfortunate country, was that -destructive pestilence, whose mortality was so fatal, as to sweep away, -if Sir William Petty may be believed, five millions of Christian souls, -besides women and Jews. - -Such also was that dreadful conflagration ensuing, in this famous -metropolis of London, which consumed, according to the computation of -Sir Samuel Morland, 100,000 houses, not to mention churches and stables. - -Scarce had this unhappy nation recovered these funest disasters, when -the abomination of playhouses rose up in this land: from hence hath an -inundation of obscenity flowed from the court and overspread the -kingdom. Even infants disfigured the walls of holy temples with -exorbitant representations of the members of generation: nay, no sooner -had they learnt to spell, but they had wickedness enough to write the -names thereof in large capitals: an enormity observed by travellers to -be found in no country but England. - -But when whoring and popery were driven hence by the happy Revolution, -still the nation so greatly offended, that Socinianism, Arianism, and -Whistonism triumphed in our streets, and were in a manner become -universal. - -And yet still, after all these visitations, it has pleased Heaven to -visit us with a contagion more epidemical, and of consequence more -fatal: this was foretold to us, first, by that unparalleled eclipse in -1714; secondly, by the dreadful coruscation in the air this present -year; and, thirdly, by the nine comets seen at once over Soho-square, by -Mrs. Katherine Wadlington, and others: a contagion that first crept in -among the first quality, descended to their footmen, and infused itself -into their ladies--I mean the woeful practice of PUNNING. This does -occasion the corruption of our language, and therein of the word of God -translated into our language, which certainly every sober Christian must -tremble at. - -Now such is the enormity of this abomination, that our very nobles not -only commit punning over tea, and in taverns, but even on the Lord's -day, and in the king's chapel: therefore, to deter men from this evil -practice, I shall give some true and dreadful examples of God's revenge -against punsters. - -The Right Honourable----(but it is not safe to insert the name of an -eminent nobleman in this paper, yet I will venture to say that such a -one has been _seen_; which is all we can say, considering the largeness -of his sleeves)--This young nobleman was not only a flagitious punster -himself, but was accessary to the punning of others, by consent, by -provocation, by connivance, and by defence of the evil committed; for -which the Lord mercifully spared his neck, but as a mark of reprobation -_wryed his nose_. - -Another nobleman of great hopes, no less guilty of the same crime, was -made the punisher of himself with his own hand, in the loss of 500 -pounds at box and dice; whereby this unfortunate young gentleman -incurred the heavy displeasure of his aged grandmother. - -A third of no less illustrious extraction, for the same vice, was -permitted to fall into the arms of a _Dalilah_, who may one day cut off -his curious hair, and deliver him up to the _Philistines_. - -Colonel F----, an ancient gentleman of grave deportment, gave into this -sin so early in his youth, that whenever his tongue endeavours to speak -common sense, he hesitates so as not to be understood. - -Thomas Pickle, gentleman, for the same crime, banished to Minorca. - -Muley Hamet, from a wealthy and hopeful officer in the army, turned a -miserable invalid at Tilbury-Fort. - ----- Eustace, Esq. for the murder of much of the King's English in -Ireland, is quite deprived of his reason, and now remains a lively -instance of emptiness and vivacity. - -Poor Daniel Button, for the same offence, deprived of his wits. - -One Samuel, an Irishman, for his forward attempt to pun, was stunted in -his stature, and hath been visited all his life after with bulls and -blunders. - -George Simmons, shoemaker at Turnstile in Holborn, was so given to this -custom, and did it with so much success, that his neighbours gave out he -was a wit. Which report coming among his creditors, nobody would trust -him; so that he is now a bankrupt, and his family in a miserable -condition. - -Divers eminent clergymen of the university of Cambridge, for having -propagated this vice, became great drunkards and Tories. - -_From which calamities, the Lord in his mercy defend us all_, &c. &c. - - - - - THE BIRTH OF A PUN[18]. - - When Adam and Eve, as the saints all believe, - From the garden of Eden were driven; - They put up a prayer to king Joe in his chair, - That a boon he would grant them from heaven. - 'Twas in vain that old Jove 'gainst their petition strove, - Madame Juno determined to grapple - His arguments keen; said the thunderer's queen, - "Where's the sin, pray, of stealing an apple? - Send Momus, I beg, let him carry an egg, - To earth's now disconsolate son; - And bid Mistress Eve, that no longer she grieve, - For the gods have enclosed them a _Pun_." - Now downward the sprite on the earth did alight, - And cracking the shell on the floor, - Gave birth to a Pun, full of humour and fun, - And sadness they never knew more. - - - - -[18] ANTIQUITY OF PUNS AND ENIGMAS, - -_By the learned Author of Hermes._ - - -On the subject of puns the late learned author of Hermes and -Philological Inquiries has the following remarks and extracts: - -A Pun seldom regards MEANING, being chiefly confined to SOUND. - -Horace gives a sad example of this _spurious_ wit, where (as _Dryden_ -humorously translates it) he makes _Persius_ the buffoon exhort the -patriot _Brutus_ to kill Mr. King, that is, _Rupilius Rex_, because -_Brutus_, when he slew _Cæsar_, had been accustomed to KING-KILLING. - - _Hunc_ Regem _occide; operum - Hoc mihi crede tuorum est_. - -We have a worse attempt in _Homer_, where _Ulysses_ makes _Polypheme_ -believe his name was [Greek: OTTIS], and where the dull _Cyclops_, after -he had lost his eye, upon being asked by his brethren who had done so -much mischief, replies, 'twas done by [Greek: OTTIS], that is, by -NOBODY. - -Enigmas are of a more complicated nature, being involved either in _pun_ -or _metaphor_, or sometimes in both. - - [Greek: Andr' eidon ôurs chalkon ep aneri kollêsanta.] - - _I saw a man, who_, unprovoked with ire, - _Stuck brass upon another's back by fire_. - -This Enigma is ingenious, and means the _operation of cupping_, -performed in ancient days by a machine of _brass_. - -In such fancies, contrary to the principles of good _metaphor_ and good -writing, a _perplexity_ is caused, _not by accident_, but _by design_, -and _the pleasure_ lies in the being able _to resolve it_. - - - - - THE ENGLISH CELEBRATED FOR - PUNNING ON NAMES. - - -The English are noted for punning on people's names, in allusion to -their talent or profession.--Grimaldi was called, from his "grim faces," -_Grim-all-day_; Macready, from his quick study, "_Make ready_;" Young, -from his youthful appearance, "the _young_ actor;" Kean, from his new -readings, "the _keen_ actor;" Sinclair, from his beautiful voice, "Mr. -_Sing clear_;" Miss Tree, the lovely vocalist, "_the Mystery_," &c. &c. -&c.: innumerable are the instances in the _political_ world, but _quant. -suff_. Perhaps one of the most laughable of the present day is the pun -upon Mr. Thomas Bish, the stockbroker's name; he was then at the head of -one of the most respectable tea-dealing establishments in London. His -friends sunk his Christian name, excepting the first letter, and -jocosely called him Mr. _Tea_ Bish: perhaps the joke was borrowed from -an epigram on Mr. Twining, the tea-dealer, viz. - - "How curiously names with professions agree, - For Twining would be _wining_, dispossess'd of his T." - -But we shall favour the reader with a few of the best modern examples. - - - - - OF PUNNING ON SURNAMES. - - - Men once were surnamed from their shape or estate, - (You all may from history worm it:) - There was Lewis the Bulky, and Henry the Great, - John Lackland, and Peter the Hermit. - But now, when the door-plates of misters and dames - Are read, each so constantly varies - From the owner's trade, figure, and calling, surnames - Seem given by the rule of contraries. - - Mr. Fox, though provoked, never doubles his fist, - Mr. Burns in his grate has no fuel, - Mr. Playfair won't catch me at hazard or whist, - Mr. Coward was wing'd in a duel. - Mr. Wise is a dunce, Mr. King is a Whig, - Mr. Coffin's uncommonly sprightly, - And huge Mr. Little broke down in a gig - While driving fat Mrs. Golightly. - - Mrs. Drinkwater's apt to indulge in a dram, - Mrs. Angel's an absolute fury, - And meek Mr. Lyon let fierce Mr. Lamb - Tweak his nose in the lobby of Drury. - At Bath, where the feeble go more than the stout, - (A conduct well worthy of Nero,) - Over poor Mr. Lightfoot, confined with the gout, - Mr. Heaviside danced a Bolero. - - Miss Joy, wretched maid, when she chose Mr. Love, - Found nothing but sorrow await her: - She now holds in wedlock, as true as a dove, - That fondest of mates, Mr. Hayter. - Mr. Oldcastle dwells in a modern-built hut, - Miss Sage is of madcaps the archest; - Of all the queer bachelors Cupid e'er cut, - Old Mr. Younghusband's the starchest. - - Mr. Child, in a passion, knock'd down Mr. Rock, - Mr. Stone like an aspen-leaf shivers, - Miss Poole used to dance, but she stands like a stock - Ever since she became Mrs. Rivers. - Mr. Swift hobbles onward, no mortal knows how, - He moves as though cords had entwined him; - Mr. Metcalfe ran off, upon meeting a cow, - With pale Mr. Turnbull behind him. - - Mr. Barker's as mute as a fish in the sea, - Mr. Miles never moves on a journey, - Mr. Gotobed sits up till half-after-three, - Mr. Makepiece was bred an attorney. - Mr. Gardner can't tell a flower from a root, - Mr. Wilde with timidity draws back; - Mr. Ryder performs all his journeys on foot, - Mr. Foote all his journeys on horseback. - - Mr. Penny, whose father was rolling in wealth, - Kick'd down all the fortune his dad won, - Large Mr. Le Fever's the picture of health, - Mr. Goodenough is but a bad one. - Mr. Cruickshank stept into three thousand a-year - By showing his leg to an heiress:-- - Now I hope you'll acknowledge I've made it quite clear - Surnames ever go by contraries. - - _New Monthly Magazine._ - - - - - AN EPITAPH, - - OR - - PUNNING RUN MAD. - - - Here lies old John Magee, late the landlord at the Sun, - He never had an _ail_, unless when all his _ale_ was done: - The Sun was on the sign, tho' what sign his sun was on, - No studier of the Zodiac could ever hit upon. - Some said it was Aquarius, so queerious he'd get; - But he declared no _soda-hack_ should ever share his _whet_. - His burnish'd sun was sol-o, soul-heart'ning was his cheer, - And quaffing of good _porter_ long kept him from his _bier_. - As draughtsman he'd no equal, his drawings were so good, - And many a noble draught has he taken from the _wood_,-- - Rare _spirited_ productions, with tasty views near _Cork_; - And then he had a _score_ or two _rum_ characters in _chalk_. - Above the mantel-taillee his tally it was nail'd, - And though he had lost one eyesight, his _hop-ticks_ never fail'd. - Good ale and cider _sold here_, oft made the _soldier_ halt, - And sailor Jack, his sail aback, would hoist aboard his malt; - Most cordially he'd pour out a cordial for the fair, - Whose peeper meant to ogle the peppermint so rare; - While buxom Jean would toss off the juniper so gay, - And swear it was both sweet and nice as any _shrub_ in May. - At last John took to drinking, and drank till drunk with drink; - His stuffing he would stuff in till stuff began to shrink; - Tho' mistress shook her hand high, he suck'd the sugar-candy, - And often closed his brand eye by tippling of the brandy. - His servants always firking, his firkins ran so fast, - And staggering round his bar-rails, his barrels breathed their last; - And when he treated _all hands_ his _Hollands_ ran away, - Nor reap'd he fruit from _any seed_ for _aniseed_ to pay. - And though he drank the bitters, his bitters still increas'd, - He puff'd the more _parfait au coeur_ till all his efforts ceas'd. - The storm, alas! was brewing, the brewer drew his till, - And Mrs. Figg, for 'bacca, to back her brought her bill. - Distillers still'd his spirits, but couldn't still his mind; - He told the bailiff he would try a bail if he could find; - But fumbling round the tap-room, Death tapp'd him on the head, - So here he lies quite flat and stale, because, d'ye see, he's dead. - - _Literary Gazette._ - -[Illustration] - - - - -[Illustration] - - - - - BENJAMIN BASHFUL - - ON - - THE VICE OF PUNNING. - - THE PUNSTER'S FOE. - - Who's he, that from our board is running? - He, Sir's an enemy to punning, - A bashful foe, who loves not wit-- - Ergo, because he's none of it - Within his cranium; and at table - Sits like the fox in Æsop's fable, - Watching the grapes he'd fain devour, - And disappointed, calls them sour. - A laugh would decompose his metal, - And like a dog, with a tin kettle - Dangling at his tail, he runs - From witty wags who deal in puns. - - -TO BERNARD BLACKMANTLE, ESQ. - -Sir, - -It has just been communicated to me, that you are about to collect and -publish a Punster's Pocket-Book, for the express purpose of promoting -that _pernicious vice_, which is already much too prevalent. As an -antidote to the evil, I hope you will _not fail_ to insert this my -special protest. - -B. BASHFUL. - - -I am a bashful young man of good fortune, who, to use the phrase of the -mode, have just _come out_, and made my _entré_ into the world with the -reputation of being a gentleman and a scholar. I could wish you to -notice a minor evil in society which tends to poison the springs of -taste and knowledge, by bringing forward the flippant, and throwing back -the reflective, speaker. I allude to the vice of punning, which tends to -destroy all the profit and pleasure of conversation, and embarrass, in -the greatest degree, the young and inexperienced. - -It is my fate to mix with a circle of fashionable _dilettanti_, each of -them capable of sustaining a part in rational discourse, and of -conducting the intellectual conflict with some share of vigour and -learning; who, nevertheless, meet together to fritter away time, -patience, and attention, with a series of unconnected quibbles and -conundrums. Instead of the rich web of fancy, glowing with the vivid -creations of lively, intelligent minds, the conversation presents a -motley intermixture of shreds of wit and patches of conceit, a -chequer-work of incongruities, the very orts and scraps of the "Feast of -Reason," the dozings of science, and dregs of literature. If I relate to -this group of punsters the most affecting circumstance, I am heard with -impatience and inattention, till I chance unwittingly to utter a word -susceptible of a double or triple interpretation. The mischievous spark -of folly immediately ignites, the moral interest of my tale is -undermined, and a loud report of laughter announces the explosion. The -genius of orthography frowns in vain: puns are, by the law of custom, -entitled to claim entrance into the sensorium either by the eye or the -ear: but when a pseudo pun ("for indeed there are counterfeits abroad") -is perceptible to neither sense--when read, its wit is not discoverable; -and when heard, it cannot be understood: to avoid the horror of an -explanation, I find myself obliged to perjure my senses by laughing in -ignorance and very sadness, and thus contribute a sanction to the -practice I would fain abolish. The evil is subversive of the first -principle of society. Is it little to hunger for the bread of wisdom, -and to be fed with the husks of folly? Is it little to thirst for the -Castalian fount, and see its waters idly wasted in sport or malice? Is -it little to seek for the interchange of souls, and find only the -reciprocity of nonsense? - - P.S. By BERNARD BLACKMANTLE. - - To which complaint, I add this note - And sketch, by way of antidote, - The glorious art can life enhance, - A Pun will cause a Bear to dance, - And as we here have proof,--provoke - A bashful man to stand a joke. - -[Illustration] - -[Illustration] - - - - -[Illustration] - - - - - EXAMPLES IN PUNNING, - - BY - - ROYAL, NOBLE, AND EMINENT - PERSONS. - - THE PUNSTER'S BOWL. - - The sovereign medicine of life, - The antidote to care and strife-- - Is friendship, and the cheerful bowl, - When humour meets a kindred soul: - Then flows the epigram, and pun, - From starry eve, to morning's sun; - And Laughter, "holding both his sides," - The rubs and jeers of life derides. - Then honest hearts, elate with glee, - Forget the world, and black _ennui_; - For nought like punch, and puns, can drown, - The supercilious rich man's frown, - Or free the heart, a prey to care, - From fortune's ills and fell despair. - - Bernard Blackmantle. - - - - - EXAMPLES IN PUNNING. - - "The seeds of punning are in the minds of all men." - _Addison, Spectator, No. 61._ - - - ROYAL PUNS. - - - RIGHT DIVINE. - -Among the few highly favoured individuals who were included in the -select evening parties of his present Majesty, George the Fourth, while -at the Pavilion, Brighton, was the facetious Reverend J. Wright. On one -occasion the king suggested to his brother, the Duke of York, some -intention he had of doing a particular act, to which the duke dissented, -and his Majesty referred to the D.D. on which the reverend jocularly -observed, "The king can do no wrong." Then, said his Majesty, "Fred. I -shall pursue my object, for you hear I have '_Wright Divine_' on my -side." - - - COOKE AND KITCHEN. - -Sir George C., better known as Col. C., was said to have had an intrigue -with a Mrs. Kitchen. When the king was told of it, he said, "It was -very natural that a Cooke should be fond of _Kitchen stuff_, but if he -meddles with the _Coles_ he will get out of the frying-pan into the -fire." The _Coles_ were cousins to the lady. - - - A DOWN HILL PUN. - -Sir George Hill, the vice-treasurer of Ireland, and a near relative to -the Londonderry family, was among the visitors at the Pavilion. Dr. -Tierney remarked, that Sir George was getting old and feeble--"If I -mistake not," replied the king, "he is going _down hill_ very rapidly." - - -"Hume and Croker had a sharp contest last night," said the Earl of -Liverpool to his Majesty, "but it ended in _smoke_." "I don't wonder at -that," replied the monarch; "The _Fire_ of _Croker_ was sure to _smoke_ -like Irish _turf_ beneath the weight of Scotch _Hume-i-dity_." - - -Sir Edmund Nagle said he wondered that the king of France did not feel -offended at the _squibs_ let off against him in the English newspapers. -"Pshaw!" said the king, "he would be a fool indeed to be frightened at a -_squib_ in London, when at Paris he is sitting on a _barrel of -gunpowder_." - - - LORD ELDON'S PUNNING JEU D'ESPRIT. - -In an application to his Lordship for an injunction to restrain the -proprietors of the "Gazette of Fashion" from selling the song of "We're -a' Noddin," the Chancellor perceiving the trifling nature of the cause, -after hearing the defendant, observed, "I will dismiss both parties, by -granting an injunction against _Cease your Funning_." - - - LORD STOWELL, - -On a recent occasion, having taken his seat in the Admiralty Court, -inquired separately of the advocates, if they had any motion to _move_; -and being answered in the _negative_, the judge very good humouredly -replied, "Then, gentlemen, the best thing we can do will be to _move -ourselves_." - - - GEORGE CANNING AND EARL BATHURST. - _Kicking the Bucket._ - -As the Earl Bathurst and George Canning were walking along Pall Mall, -the Earl struck his foot, by accident, against a small pail, (which -some careless servant had left at the door), and turned it over; "Why, -your lordship has _kicked the bucket_," said the facetious orator; "No, -not so bad as that, George," replied the witty earl, "I've only _turned -a little pale_ (i. e. _pail_)." - - - LORD ERSKINE. - -Few persons ever enjoyed a greater facility of punning upon the ancient -languages than his lordship. For instance, on one of the articles of his -breakfast apparatus, Lord E. had inscribed _Tu doces_, literally -_Thou--Tea--Chest_. - - - THE DUKE OF WELLINGTON IN ACTION. - -"Your Grace speaks without _reason_, and too much in a _passion_," said -a Spanish brunette to whom he had made a _proposal_, and was _pressing_ -it somewhat _close_. "Ah! my dear little angel," said the great captain, -"_reason_ has nothing to do with _love_; and _passion_ is very desirable -when we are on the point of _entering_ into _immediate action_." - - - TURN IN AND TURN OUT. - -A noble lord who was aide-de-camp to the Duke of Wellington, visited the -Duke early on the morning of the battle of Salamanca, and perceiving -him lying on a very small camp bedstead, observed that his Grace "had -not room to _turn_ himself." The Duke immediately replied, "When you -have lived as long as I have, you will know that when a man thinks of -_turning in_ his bed, it is time he should _turn out_ of it." - - - THE DUCHESS OF DEVONSHIRE - -Being told that a great public defaulter had married his -_kept-mistress_, observed, "That fellow is always _robbing the public_." - - - ROGERS ON TASTE. - -When the Marquis of Hertford opened his splendid hotel in Piccadilly, -Mrs. Coutts was one of the visitors present--much to the annoyance of -certain of our fair nobility. In reply to an observation of _hers_, upon -the splendour and magnificence of the furniture and decorations, Rogers -archly remarked, that, "besides splendour, there was so much good taste -in the _ornaments_ and _society_--every thing in the rooms was so -_chaste_ and _delicate_." - - - LADY HAMILTON. - -The beautiful Lady Hamilton having at her table given "Mr. Abraham -Goldsmidt" as a toast, and Lord Nelson only half filling his glass, she -cried, "Come, come, my Lord, you must not _sham Abraham_." - - - JACK BANNISTER AND THE GOUT. - -A friend consoling with the comedian during a severe attack of the -_gout_, observed, that the disease _prolonged life_, and added, "Any -body might take a _lease_ of _yours_." "Then it must be," quoth Jack -writhing with pain, "at a _rack rent_." - - - HOSPITALITY. - -Jack Bannister, praising the hospitalities of the Irish, after his -return from a trip to the sister kingdom, was asked if he had ever been -at _Cork_? "No," replied the wit, "but I have seen a great many -_drawings_ of it." - - - LUTTRELL AND ROGERS. - -Luttrell and Sam Rogers met together at the Chinese Saloon the other -day. "This must be a famous speculation," said Sam; "I think the -proprietor of the _Anatomie Vivante_ should take his motto from my -favourite epistle in Horace-- - - 'Annonæ prosit-- - _Vir_ BONUS.'" - -"Why," said Luttrell, "I think the man a humbug; you'll find plenty of -living skeletons in our hospitals--so I think a better motto may be -found for him in the same epistle, which you have quoted so often-- - - '_Vir_ BONUS est QUIZ.'" - - - THE RIGHT HONOURABLE CHARLES JAMES FOX. - -C.J. Fox, and Mr. Hare, his friend, both much incommoded by duns, were -together in a house, when seeing some very shabby men about the door, -they were afraid they were bailiffs in search of them. Not knowing which -was in danger, and wishing to ascertain it, Fox opened the window, and -calling to them, said, "Pray, gentlemen, are you _Fox-hunting_, or -_Hare-hunting_?" - - - LORD ROSS. - -The witty Lord Ross having spent all his money in London, set out for -Ireland in order to recruit his purse. On his way he happened to meet -with Sir Murrough O'Brien, driving for the capital in a lofty phaeton, -with six fine _dun_-coloured horses. "Sir Murrough," exclaimed his -Lordship, "what a contrast between you and me! I have left my _duns_ -behind me; you are driving your _duns_ before you." - - - DR. JOHNSON. - -Early one morning, the Doctor passing by the end of the Old Bailey, -observed a great crowd collected, and upon inquiring of Boswell what it -meant, was informed that one _Vowel_ was going to be hanged for forgery. -"Well," replied the Doctor, "it is very clear, Bozzy, that it is neither -_U_ nor _I_." - - - AN UNFORTUNATE CELEBRITY. - _Dr. Johnson._ - -A pert young fellow who had made some abortive attempts as an author, -and notwithstanding the shallowness of his pretensions, was on excellent -terms with himself, had long been labouring for an opportunity of being -introduced to the Doctor, and at length succeeded in obtaining an -invitation to Mr. Thrale's. Having taken proper means to be frequently -accosted by his name, which, in his own fond imagination, was "_fama -super æthera notum_," he sat for some time in expectation of being -accosted by the Lexicographer. Finding, however, that his hopes were -vain, he at length ventured to break the ice. Approaching the Doctor -with a smile of self-sufficiency, "My name, Doctor Johnson," said he, -"is----; you have probably heard of me as being of some celebrity in the -literary world." "Yes, I have indeed," was the sarcastic reply he -received, "of _very unfortunate celebrity_." - - - DR. PARR ON WANTS. - -The Doctor used to say, that a man's happiness was secure in proportion -to the _small number of his wants_; and he added, that, all his life, he -had endeavoured to prevent the multiplication of them in himself. A Mr. -Ketch, on hearing this, said to him, "Then, Doctor, your secret of -happiness is, to _cut down your wants_." "_Suspend_ your _puns_, Mr. -_Ketch_," said the Doctor, "and _I will drop_ you the hint: _My_ secret -is, _not to let them grow up_." - - - GEORGE COLMAN. - -George Colman being once asked if he were acquainted with Theodore Hook, -replied, "Oh yes; Hook and I (_eye_) are old associates." - - - JAMES SMITH, ESQ. ON SPRING AND SUMMER. - -"We shall _jump_ into _summer_ all at once," said a friend to James -Smith, one very fine day in the early part of the year. "Stop," said the -punster, "if it is _leap year_, you must take a good _spring_ first." - - - SHIELD AND SIR GEORGE SMART--THE SCORE OF MERIT. - -Shield the composer, on the occasion of Sir George Smart being knighted, -said, "It must have been on the _merit_ of his _score_[19], and not on -the _score_ of his _merit_." - -[19] _The title was bestowed by the Duke of Richmond, then Lord -Lieutenant of Ireland, who it is known was not over rich._ - - - MR. WILLIAM SPENCER. - _Classical Pun._ - -As William Spencer was contemplating the caricatures at Fores's one day, -somebody pointed out to him Cruickshanks's design of the "Ostend packet -in a squall;" when the wit, without at all sympathizing with the nausea -visible on some of the faces represented in the print, exclaimed, - - "Quodcunque Ostendis _mihi_ sic incredulus odi." - - - REYNOLDS THE DRAMATIST. - -The amiable Mrs. W. always insists that her friends who take grog, -should mix equal quantities of spirits and water, though she never -observes the rule for herself. Reynolds having once made a glass under -her directions, was asked by the lady--"Pray, Sir, is it--_As You Like -It_?"--"No, Madam," replied the dramatist, "it is--_Measure for -Measure_." - - - HENDERSON AND THE TWO GARRICKS. - _The Tatler, Spectator, and Guardian._ - -The first time that Henderson, the player, rehearsed a part at Drury -Lane, George Garrick came into the boxes, saying as he entered, "I only -come as a spectator." Soon after he made some objection to Henderson's -playing, when the young actor retorted--"Sir, I thought you were only to -be a _Spectator_; instead of that you are turning _Tatler_." "Never mind -him, Sir," said David Garrick, "never mind him, let him be what he will, -I'll be the _Guardian_." - - - ANDREW CHERRY THE COMEDIAN. - -The late Mr. A. Cherry, comedian, was written to some years since, with -an offer for a good engagement from a manager, who, on a former -occasion, had not behaved altogether well to him. Cherry sent him word, -that he had been bit by him once, and he was resolved, that he should -not make _two bites of A. Cherry_. - - - MR. JEKYLL'S PUN ON MR. RAINE. - -Mr. Jekyll being told the other day, that Mr. Raine, the barrister, was -engaged as the opposing counsel for a Mr. Hay, inquired, "If _Raine was -ever known to do any good to Hay?_" - - - RALPH WEWITZER THE PUNSTER. - _A Fault in Candles._ - -Ralph Wewitzer, ordering a box of candles, said he hoped they would be -better than the last. The chandler said he was very sorry to hear them -complained of, as they were as good as he could make. "Why," says Ralph, -"they were very well till about half burnt down, but after that they -would not burn any _longer_." - - - C.J. FOX AND BURKE ON THE "SUBLIME AND BEAUTIFUL." - -Mr. Fox supped one evening with Edmund Burke, at the Thatched House, -where they were served with dishes more elegant than substantial. -Charles's appetite being rather keen, he was far from relishing the -kickshaws that were set before him, and addressing his companion--"These -dishes, Burke," said he, "are admirably calculated for your palate--they -are both _sublime_ and _beautiful_." - - - HORNE TOOKE AND DR. PARR ON "TIT BITS." - -Horne Tooke, author of the _Epea Pteroenta_, was remarkable for the -readiness of his repartees in conversation. He once received an -invitation to a dinner party to meet the celebrated Dr. Parr. "What!" -said Horne Tooke, "go to meet a country schoolmaster, a mere man of -Greek and Latin scraps! that will never do." Some time after this, he -met Dr. Parr in the street, and addressed him with, "Ah! my dear Parr, -is it you? how gratified I am to see you!" "What, me?" replied Parr, "a -mere country schoolmaster, a man of Greek and Latin scraps?" "Oh my good -friend," rejoined Horne Tooke immediately, "those who told you that -never understood me; when I spoke of the _scraps_ I meant the -_tit-bits_." - - - CURRAN'S CULINARY JOKE. - -During Lord Westmoreland's administration, when a number of new corps -were raised in Ireland (and given as jobs and political favours), it was -observed, that, when inspected there, the establishment of each regiment -was nominally reported to be complete at embarkation for England, but -when landed at the other side, many of them had not a quarter of their -numbers. "No wonder," said Mr. Curran, "for after being _mustered_, they -are afraid of being _peppered_, and off they fly, not wishing to pay for -the _roast_." - - - COUNSELLOR DUNNING OVER-DONE. - -A gentleman being severely cross-examined by Mr. Dunning, who asked him -repeatedly if he did not live within the verge of the court, at length -answered that he did. "And pray, sir," said Dunning, "why did you take -up your residence in that place?"--"In order to avoid the impertinence -of _dunning_," answered the witness. - - - LORD CHANCELLOR ELDON AND THE LANCET. - _Bleeding in Chancery._ - -On a motion to dissolve the injunction obtained against that useful work -the Lancet, the Lord Chancellor sent it to the Vice, and "hoped there -would be no more _bleeding_," to which Mr. Hart replied, not much, as -there was _only one operator_ retained by each side. Ay, but, said his -lordship, they may stick to their _patient_ like a Leach. - - - R.B. SHERIDAN AND THE PRINCE OF WALES, OR - ONE SWALLOW DOES NOT MAKE A SUMMER. - -One wintry day, the Prince of Wales went into the Thatched House Tavern, -and ordered a steak: "But (said his Royal Highness), I am devilish cold, -bring me a glass of hot brandy and water." He swallowed it, another, and -another. "Now, (said he) I am comfortable, bring my steak." On which Mr. -Sheridan took out his pencil, and wrote the following impromptu:-- - - The Prince came in, said it was cold, - Then put to his head the rummer; - Till _swallow_ after _swallow_ came, - When he pronounced it _summer_. - - - CHARLES BANNISTER. - -Charles meeting a thief-taker with a man in his custody, and asking his -offence, was told he had stolen a _bridle_. "Then (said Charles) he -wanted _to touch the bit_." - - - WILBERFORCE AND SHERIDAN ON DRINKING. - -That very sober _pious_ personage, Mr. Wilberforce, reproved his friend -Sheridan thus: "My good Sir, (said he) you have _drunk_ a _little_ too -_much_." "Have I? (hiccupped the other) and you, my good Sir, have -_drunk much_ too _little_." - - - THE FACETIOUS CALEB WHITFOORD. - -The late Caleb Whitfoord, seeing a lady knotting fringe for a petticoat, -asked her, what she was doing? "Knotting, Sir, (replied she;) pray Mr. -Whitfoord, can you knot?" He answered, "_I can-not_." - - - JUDGE JEFFERIES BEARDED. - -The judge told an old man with a _long beard_, who was being examined as -a witness, that he "supposed he had a _conscience as long as his -beard_." If, replied the old man, we were all to be _judged_ of by _that -rule_, your lordship would be deemed a most _unconscionable judge_[20]. - -[20] Jefferies had no beard. - - - LORD CHESTERFIELD AND LORD TYRAWLEY. - -"_Sic sine Morte Mori_," was given by some wag as a toast, when Lord -Chesterfield and Lord Tyrawley were both present, at a very advanced -age, when Lord Chesterfield said, "Tyrawley and I have been _dead_ these -two years; but we don't choose to have it known." - - - SAM FOOTE ON PLAYING TOO HIGH. - -A German baron at a gaming-house, being detected in an _odd trick_, one -of the players fairly threw him out of the one pair of stairs window. On -this outrage he took the advice of Foote, who told him "never play _so -high again_." - - - FELIX M'CARTHY. - -Felix M'Carthy passing through Clement's Inn, and receiving abuse from -some impudent clerks, was advised to complain to the Principal, which he -did thus: "I have been abused here by some of the _rascals_ of this inn, -and I come to acquaint you of it, as I understand you are the -_Principal_." - - - TIERNEY _v._ FOX. - -Mr. Fox, in the course of a speech, said, "If any thing on my part, or -on the part of those with whom I acted, was an obstruction to peace, I -could not lie on my pillow with ease." George Tierney (then in -administration) whispered to his neighbour, "If he could not _lie_ on -his pillow with ease, he can _lie_ in this house with ease." - - - LEE LEWIS ON THE GAME LAWS. - -Lee Lewis shooting in a field, the proprietor attacked him: "I allow no -person (said he) to _kill game_ on my manor but myself; and I'll _shoot -you_, if I find you here again." "What! (said the comedian) do you mean -_to make game of me_?" - - - CALEB WHITFOORD AND HIS NEPHEW. - -The late Caleb Whitfoord, finding his nephew, Charles Smith, playing the -violin, the following bits took place: - -_W._ I fear, Charles, you _lose_ a great deal of _time_ with this -fiddling. - -_S._ Sir, I endeavour to _keep time_. - -_W._ You mean rather _to kill time_. - -_S._ No, I only _beat time_. - - - JOHN KEMBLE MURDERING TIME. - -When Kemble was rehearsing the romance sung by _Richard Coeur de -Lion_, Shaw, the leader of the band, called out from the orchestra, "Mr. -Kemble, my dear Mr. Kemble, you are _murdering time_." Kemble, calmly -and coolly taking a pinch of snuff, said, "My dear Sir, it is better for -me to murder Time at once than be continually _beating_ him as you do." - - - SHERIDAN ON LOVE FOR LOVE. - -Sheridan complained that Congreve's "_Love for Love_," had been so much -altered and modified to suit the delicate ears of modern mawkishness, -that it was quite spoiled. It is now (said he) like modern marriages, -with very little of "_Love for Love_" in it. "His plays," said the wit, -"are, I own, somewhat licentious, but it is barbarous to mangle them: -they are like horses; when you deprive them of their vice, they lose -their vigour." - - - THE MORNING POST ON PREFERMENT. - -An auctioneer having turned publican, was soon after thrown into the -King's Bench; on which the following paragraph appeared in the Morning -Post: "Mr. A., who lately quitted the _pulpit_ for the _bar_, has been -promoted to the _bench_." - - - SIR J. PARNELL - -Became a general _toast_ in Ireland after the Union, by which he lost -his place, or, as he once said, "his bread and butter." When lamenting -his loss, he was told, "Ah! but it's amply made up to you in _toast_." - - - HORACE TWISS, M.P. - _A special Pun._ - -Mr. Twiss being one evening in the boxes of Covent Garden theatre, to -see Macbeth: when the hero questions the witches what they are doing, -they answer, "a deed without a name." Our counsellor, whose attention -was at that moment directed more to Coke upon Littleton than -Shakspeare, catching, however, the actor's words, repeated, "A _deed_ -without a _name_! why, 'tis _void_." - - - RALPH WEWITZER. - -The comedian meeting a young friend, observed how well he looked. "Ay, -(says the other) I have a rare good appetite, and I take care that it be -well satisfied; in the first place, every morning I eat a _great deal_ -to breakfast." "Then (observes the former) I presume you breakfast in a -_timber-yard_." - - - JOHN BANNISTER NO SHOOTER. - -A few years ago, it will be remembered, that Mr. John Bannister nearly -lost his arm by the bursting of a fowling-piece. Shortly after he -observed to a friend, "I may be an actor, but I will not attempt to be a -_Shooter_." - - - LORD NELSON'S ARMS. - -The master of the Wrestler's Inn, at Yarmouth, having solicited Lord -Nelson to permit him to put up his _arms_, and change the _name_ of the -inn to _The Nelson Hotel_; his lordship returned for answer, that he was -perfectly welcome to his _name_, but he must be sensible that he had no -_arms_ to spare. - - - SOME OF CURRAN'S BEST. - -A severe Irish judge, being at dinner among an assemblage of lawyers, -Mr. Curran asked his lordship, if he should have the pleasure of helping -him to a slice of pickled tongue which stood before him. "If it were -_hung_ (said his lordship), I would try it." "If _you_ were to _try_ it -(replied Curran), it would be sure to be _hung_." - - - CURRAN'S COVENTRY JOKE. - -On some one proposing to send an Irish barrister to "_Coventry_" for -refusing to fight a duel, "Sure," said the wit, "that is carrying the -joke a little _too far_." - - - CAPITAL JOKES. - -While a counsellor was pleading at the Irish bar, a louse unluckily -peeped from under his wig. Curran, who sat next to him, whispered what -he saw. "You joke," said the barrister. "If (replied Mr. Curran) you -have many such _jokes_ in your head, the sooner you _crack_ them the -better." - - - ON DISCIPLINE. - -MacNally was very lame, and when walking, he had an unfortunate limp. At -the time of the Rebellion he was seized with a military ardour, and when -the different volunteer corps were forming in Dublin, that of the -lawyers was organized. Meeting with Curran, MacNally said, "My dear -friend, these are not times for a man to be idle; I am determined to -enter the Lawyers' Corps, and follow the camp." "You follow the camp, my -little limb of the law!" said the wit, "tut, tut, renounce the idea; you -never can be a disciplinarian." "And why not, Mr. Curran?" said -MacNally. "For this reason," said Curran, "the moment you were ordered -to march you would _halt_." - - - LORD NORTH'S PUN CLASSICAL. - -A gentleman told Lord North, that from a variety of losses, he had found -himself compelled to reduce his establishment. "And what (said his -lordship) have you done with the fine mare you used to ride?" "I have -sold her." "Then you have not attended to Horace's maxim: - - 'Equam _memento rebus in arduis - Servare_.'" - - - MANNERS EARL OF RUTLAND. - -Manners Earl of Rutland meeting Sir Thomas More, shortly after their -mutual preferment, and thinking he assumed rather a haughty carriage, -observed, "_Honores mutant Mores_." "No, my lord (said Sir Thomas), the -pun will be much better in English, _Honors change Manners_." - - - LORD BYRON TO ROGERS ON PUNNING. - -Lord Byron observed to Rogers, that punning was the lowest species of -wit. "True (said the other), it is the _foundation_." - - - THE ARCH-BISHOP AND HIS ARCH-CURATE. - _Pun beneficial._ - -Sir William Dawes, archbishop of York, delighted in a good pun. His -clergy dining with him the first time after the decease of his lady, he -said he feared the company would not find things in so good order as -they were in the time of poor _Mary_, adding with a sigh, "Ah! she was -indeed _Mare Pacificum_." A curate, who pretty well knew the truth of -the matter, got himself completely into favour by observing, "Ay, my -lord, but she was first _Mare Mortuum_." - - - DR. GOLDSMITH AND SIR JOSHUA REYNOLDS. - _A pun spoiled._ - -At a dinner of wits, a dish of pease was brought in, become almost grey -with age. "Carry these pease to Kensington!" said one of the party. "Why -to Kensington?" said another. "Because it's the way to _Turn'em green_." -Dr. Goldsmith going home in the evening with Sir Joshua Reynolds, -observed, that he would have given five pounds to make so excellent a -pun. "You shall have the opportunity (said the knight) on Tuesday, when -you are to dine with me, and none of the same company will be present." -Tuesday came, and the dinner was served up; amongst the other dishes a -plate of pease of the same description. "Carry these peas to -Kensington," said Goldie. "Why so?" "Because it's the way to _make them -green_!" - - - DR. BROWN'S TOAST. - -Dr. B. long but unsuccessfully paid his addresses to a young lady, whom -he used always to give as a toast. Dining one day with a friend, the -latter filling his glass, said, "Come, doctor, I'll give you your -favourite _toast_." He answered, "You may do as you please; but for -myself, I have already _toasted_ her too long without being able to make -her _Brown_." - - - R. PEAKE TO R. MARTIN, M.P. - -"Sir," said the humane M.P. to the facetious dramatist (praising his own -bill), "instead of the drovers inhumanly beating the poor bastes as -formerly, you will shortly see them applying _opodeldoc_ to their -wounds." "Ay;" rejoined the punster, "_Steer's_ of _Cow_-lane." - - - R. PEAKE AND WINSTON. - -The punster, having occasion to call upon the stage manager of Drury -Lane, was shown into his room, when the servant remarked, "he feared -Mr. Winston had left the theatre." Peake observing a stage _screw_ -lying upon the table before him, took it up and replied, "I perceive he -has left his card and _name_ behind him." - - - ARNOLD AND PEAKE. - -A person observing that Mr. Arnold, the proprietor of the English Opera, -was an _ill-tempered_ man, but a _fortunate_ one, Charles Westmacott -replied, "he knew that to be true, for he was indebted for both his -_cash_ and _success_ to _pique_." (Peake his dramatist and treasurer.) - - - PEAKE'S "STOUT MAN" - -Appeared originally during the oppressive heat of the season 1825, at -the English Opera House: when Arnold observing that the piece did not -_run_ according to his expectations, Peake dryly replied, "How can you -expect a _stout man to run in such very hot weather_?" - - - CHARLES BANNISTER AND PARSONS. - -The late Mr. Charles Bannister going with Mr. Parsons into a shop where -there was an _electric eel_, the latter said, "Charles, what sort of a -pie would that eel make?" He answered, "A _shock-ing one_." - - - THE RIGHT HON. G. CANNING ON RESOURCES. - -Mr. Canning seeing a certain nobleman rowing a wherry on the Thames, -with all the power and skill of a waterman, observed, "Your grace is -certainly prepared for the worst extremities, for by your _skull_ you -could always keep your _head above water_." - - - BEN JONSON AND THE COUNTRYMAN. - _Simplicity_ v. _Wit_. - -A country booby boasting of the numerous acres he enjoyed, Ben Jonson -peevishly told him, "For every acre you have of land, I have an acre of -wit." The other, filling his glass, said, "My service to you, Mr. -_Wise-acre_!" - - - DENNIS THE PUNSTER. - _Tria juncta in uno._ - -Mr. Dennis, a gentleman who died about 1764, and was famous for his -puns, was once ridiculed for it in a copy of verses by three gentlemen, -whose names were Goodwin, Johnstone, and Marshall; he answered them in -the following manner: "If _Good_ be the better half of thy name, it is -so little in thy nature as not to be perceived, though in conjunction -with thy friend _John_, thou hast helped to make such a noble copy of -verses that they ought to be engraven on _stone_. I would have given -steel the preference, if a certain person did not _Mar_ your works, so -_shall_ say no more of the matter." - - - - - W. R. V.-ANA. - - THE CONVERSATIONAL PUNSTER. - - "A fellow of infinite jest, of most excellent fancy." - - -[There are very few literary persons in London, at least among those -connected with the public press, who have not occasionally enjoyed the -pleasant, _punning_, conversational powers of my friend W. R. V. whose -whim, wit, and great good nature are not more esteemed, than his -unaffected manners, and sincerity of disposition justly entitle him to.] - - -Some one observed, "_Matches_ are made in Heaven." "Yes," answered he, -"and they are very often _dipped_ in the other place." - -Two men contending at a tavern upon the point of who wrote that -beautiful song on Ingratitude, "Blow, blow, thou wintry wind!" one said -Ben Jonson; the other said Shakspeare. R.V. to adjust their -differences, observed, "They must have written it between them, for each -was _a-verse_ to ingratitude." - -A fat gentleman who was at a loss for the name of the nobleman who was -shut up in a tower and starved to death, applied to the -punster--"_You-go-lean-O!_" was the reply. - -"A tailor is the _ninth part_ of a man," observed a would-be-wit, in the -presence of a knight of the sheers: "But," answered R.V. "a fool's _no -part_ at all." - -"He that will pun will pick a pocket," observed an old cynic. "You speak -from _experience_," was the _stopper_ to this _vinegar cruet_. - -Rhodes, the punning landlord of the Coal Hole tavern, took the Bell Inn -at Hammersmith: R.V. hoped that as he had so long answered the _bell_, -the _Bell_ would now _answer_ him. - -One asked him what works he had in the press. "Why, the History of the -Bank, with _notes_; the Art of Cookery, with _plates_; and the Science -of Single Stick, with _wood cuts_." - -A person told him that Louis dix-huit, when he entered London, put up at -Grillon's hotel. "I am surprised at that," said he; "his father took his -_chop_ at _Hatchett's_." - -A barber recommended him his aromatic essence for the improvement of his -hair. "No, no; don't waste your fragrance on the _desert hair_." - -A friend remarked of a gentleman with very large curly whiskers, that he -said nothing. "Poor fellow; don't you see he's _lock-jawed_?" - -"How well you put on your cravat," said a crony: "that _tie_'s something -new."--"Yes; it's a _novel-tie_." - -He pacified a quarrelsome fellow one evening by observing, "I should not -like to go up in a balloon with you, for fear of our _falling out_." - -Seeing a porter bring in an edition of a new work of his from the press -to his bookseller, "Dear me!" he exclaimed, "what a _weight is off my -mind_." - -"What a swell you are in your new frock coat," said a quiz to him one -day. "Don't you like it?--I do: indeed I'm quite _wrapped up in it_." - -The same person meeting him one day in the city, observing he had on a -new waistcoat, asked if it was a _city cut_. "No," answered he, "it's a -_west-cut_." - -Dining at the Wrekin tavern, he asked for a wine glass: the waiter, in -bringing it, inadvertently let it fall--"Zounds! I did not ask you for a -_tumbler_!" - -Sitting in company with one of those people who find fault with every -thing, good, bad, or indifferent, he could not refrain from quizzing the -old fellow. "True, true; we have nothing _new_ or _good_ now-a-days: -Waterloo bridge is a _catchpenny_, Herschell's telescope _all my eye_, -the steam engine _a bottle of smoke_, and the safety-coach _a complete -take in_." - -Bearcroft the classic observed to him, that learning was _pabulum -animi_, food of the mind. "Yes," replied he, "and that's the reason, I -suppose, the collegians wear _trencher_ caps." - -On George the Fourth landing at Calais in 1820, the wind was so -boisterous as to blow off his foraging cap, greatly inconveniencing him: -a brave officer, Captain Jones of the Brunswicks, who stood near, -presented His Majesty with his own, which the King graciously accepted, -and wore until he got to his carriage. This drew from him the following -impromptu: - - "Whether in peace or war, - If hostile dangers frown, - It is the soldier's care - To guard his Monarch's _crown_." - -He blamed a friend for dedicating a very clever work to a certain -nobleman, notorious for his stupidity. "My book wanted a _title_," was -the reply. "Oh!" he observed, "but it might otherwise have been -_peer-less_." - -On Sir Robert Wilson's motion for investigating the affair that deprived -him of his rank as General being lost, he lamented it as very hard that -they should refuse him "_even a major-ity_." - -Being proposed a member of the Phoenix Club, he asked when they -met:--"Every Saturday evening during the winter."--"Then," said he, "I -shall never make a Phoenix, for "_I can't rise from the fire_." - - - - -[Illustration] - - - - - NORBURYANA[21]; - - CONTAINING - -A RICH SELECTION OF LORD NORBURY'S - _BEST PUNS_, - - Pure as Imported. - - THE PUNNING LAWYERS. - - The counsel archly crack their joke - On every word the witness spoke; - The Jury, laughing, like the fun, - And Norbury sums up with a _Pun_. - -[21] Many of these whims have never before appeared in print. - - -A good _Pun_ has, from time immemorial, been quite as admissible in our -courts of law, as a good _plea_; and not unusually has proved successful -with the feelings of a jury, when the latter, left entirely to the more -weighty arguments of _precedents_ and _rejoinder_, would only have -produced a temporary suspension of the understanding. Lord Norbury's -talent as a punster is proverbial, and his wit upon all occasions as -clear as his judgments are sound: scarcely a packet of Irish papers -arrive in the sister kingdom, but the first inquiry of the humourist is -after the last _good thing_ of the Chief Justice's; and, if he fails to -encounter a _new pun_, he retreats homewards like a city sportsman, -without _game_ for the morrow; for _pun-less_, he is quite as miserable -as if he was _penny-less_; and if he cannot _crack_ a new joke at the -club, he is like to go _cracked_ himself with vexation in consequence. - -It is one of the evils attending eminence in any art, that many loose -performances will be attributed to genius, for the sake of notoriety, -which would cause a blush upon the cheek of the talented individual -under whose cognomen they are surreptitiously launched forth into public -life. Every new pun, made by the Emeralders, whether invented in the -_Four Courts_ of Dublin, or at the midnight orgies held in the _broad_ -and _narrow Courts_ of London, at the Fives _Court_ or the Tennis -_Court_, the King's _Court_, or the _Courts_ of law and equity, are all -heaped upon the _great original_, Lord Norbury; who has, in consequence, -as many _sins_ of this sort to bear with, as any _criminal_ that ever -appeared before his legal tribunal. In selecting from an accredited -stock, the compiler of this little book has endeavoured to affix to the -_Noble Punster_, only, the _legitimate offspring_ of his _own_ creation; -or at least such, if any one has stolen in, as may not disgrace his -witty family. - - - LORD NORBURY'S MOTTO - -Is, "_Right can never die_;" then, said his lordship, punning thereon, -"_right_ must be _left_ for ever." - - - AN AMOROUS PUN. - -"Who is that lovely girl?" exclaimed Lord Norbury, riding in company -with his friend Counsellor Grahaarty. "Miss Glass," replied the -barrister. "_Glass!_" reiterated the facetious judge; "by the love which -man bears to woman, I should often become intoxicated, could I press -such a _glass to my lips_!" - - - THE JOKER'S RETORT. - -The numerous and severe animadversions on Lord Norbury in the Imperial -Parliament, only afforded his Lordship an opportunity for a supplemental -criticism, viz. "That the English Broom (Brougham) wanted an _Irish -stick_ to it;" an appendage which, in the early part of his Lordship's -career, he certainly would have been very ready to furnish. - - - PENCILING WITH A PICKAXE. - -The late Counsellor Egan, well known by the appellation of _Bully Egan_, -from his rough courage, got into the Irish parliament during the -administration of the late Marquis of Rockingham, and joined with the -Whigs of that day in a most outrageous opposition to the administration -of the noble Marquis, upon the question of regency, when the opposition -succeeded in voting the unlimited regency of Ireland to the Prince of -Wales. The Marquis, unable to rally, fled to England without beat of -drum, leaving the oppositionists masters of the political field. Not -content with this retreat, the Whigs continued to pelt the character of -the noble Marquis, by way of _post obit_, and to heap all those -maledictions upon his administration, when defunct, which they had so -indefatigably done while living. Amongst the rest, Mr. Egan, in the -course of a debate, thought proper to introduce in his speech an -episode, in which he proposed, "Now that the Marquis was politically -dead, to _pencil_ his epitaph;" and this he did in such coarse and -ponderous words, that Mr. Toler, the present Lord Norbury, in his reply, -termed this effort of Egan, _penciling with a pickaxe_. - - - TIME AND ETERNITY. - -On passing sentence of death upon a prisoner who had been convicted of -privately stealing a _time piece_, Lord Norbury, after dwelling upon the -enormity of his crime, concluded a very impressive speech by observing, -that he had been _grasping_ at _time_, and caught _eternity_. - - - THE CANAL AND LOCKS. - -Meeting with a lady in Dublin who was possessed of considerable property -in a distant part of the country, and in whose welfare he had taken -great interest, particularly during the progress of a bill through -parliament for draining her lands, he accosted her, "Ah, my dear Mrs -G----, how d'ye do?--how goes on your _water ways_?--I must come and -take a view of your little _canal_ and _locks_." - - - DROPPING THE SUBJECT. - -A man having been capitally convicted before Lord Norbury, was, as -usual, asked what he had to say why judgment of death should not pass -against him--"Say!" replied he, "why, I think the joke has been carried -far enough already, and the less that is said about it the better; so if -you please, my lord, we'll drop the subject." "The _subject_ may -_drop_," replied his lordship. - - - JAM SATIS. - -A gentleman helping his Lordship to some pie made of raspberry jam, -inquired if he would have some more fruit? "_Jam satis_," replied the -punster. - - - THE CRITICS CURTAILED. - -"Lord Byron calls his abusers _dogs_," said a friend to Lord Norbury; -"No doubt he wishes them and their censures _cur-tailed_," was the -reply. - - - SHAKE-SPEARE. - -Riding one day with a friend of the name of Speare, whose horse appeared -to jolt him very much, his Lordship could not help observing it. "He is -young, and awkward in his paces, but may mend," said Speare. "By the -bye, my Lord, I want a name for him." "It must be _Shake-speare_, then," -retorted his Lordship. - - - KING AND JAMES, THE DUBLIN LORD MAYORS. - -Sir Abraham Bradley King, Lord Mayor of Dublin, declined, through -prudential motives, from giving, during his mayoralty, the Orange toast, -so offensive to the King James's party. James, the next Lord Mayor, was -not so particular, but gave it at his first dinner. Lord Norbury, who -was present, could not help observing, "You are no friend to -_King_,--_James_." - - - CURLED HAIR. - -Lord Norbury calling one day on Mrs. O'Connor, the mattrass-maker in -Sackville Street, Dublin, who is a very pretty woman, remonstrated with -her on having so long delayed sending home his order: "Sure your -Lordship," said the good woman, with great _naiveté_, "there's _no -curled hair_ to be had now in Dublin, neither for _love nor money_." "By -the powers above," replied his Lordship, looking amorously, "but it was -very plentiful in this city, Mrs. O'Connor, when I was a _curly boy_." - - - TRIAL OF A HORSE. - -Late on a Saturday evening, as Lord Norbury had concluded charging the -jury, after a laborious and long trial, when they retired to make up -their verdict, a barrister got up to make a motion respecting a horse, -that had been returned to a jockey for not being sound. His lordship -complained of his being much tired after the business of the day, and -begged they would postpone the business till Monday. The lawyer, anxious -to push forward the business, said it would only occupy him a few -minutes to _try it_. His Lordship rising, said in his usual dry way: -"Gentlemen, to-morrow is a holiday; you will have time and leisure to -_try the horse yourselves_." - - - A DRY WIPE. - -Lord Norbury being in company with some lawyers, was asked, had he seen -a pamphlet that was written by O'Grady, in which he was reflected on? -replied, "Yes, yes, I took it to the water-closet with me." When told -who was the author, he replied, "Ha! I did not think my friend Grady -intended me such a _wipe_." - - - HOW TO CUT A FIGURE IN THE TEMPLE. - -Lord Norbury, while indisposed, was troubled with a determination of -blood to the head. Surgeon Carrol accordingly opened the _temporal -artery_; and whilst attending to the operation, his Lordship said to -him, "Carrol, I believe you were _never called to the bar_?" "No, my -Lord, I never was," replied the surgeon.--"Well, I am sure, Doctor, I -can safely say _you have cut a figure in the Temple_." - - - THE GAME JOKE. - -On being informed, last autumn, of the elopement of Mrs. Moore, whose -maiden name was Woodcock, Lord Norbury said, "Then we must look out our -_fleecy hosiery_."--"Why so, my Lord?" "Because it is an unerring -symptom of a sudden, long, and severe winter to see, so early in the -season, the _Woodcocks forsake the Moors_." - - - MAJESTICALLY MOUNTED. - -Lord Norbury, meeting the Marchioness of Conyngham and Lady Elizabeth -riding on horseback in the Phoenix Park, took occasion to admire the -beauty of their horses: "The gift of His Majesty," said her Ladyship -artlessly: "and Lady Elizabeth's is also a royal present."--"Then I -understand," said Lord Norbury, "His Majesty _mounts you both_." - - - A SPORTING PUN. - -A gentleman on circuit narrating to his Lordship some extravagant feat -in sporting, mentioned that he had lately shot thirty-three hares before -breakfast.--"Thirty-three _hares_!" exclaimed Lord Norbury: "Zounds, -Sir! then you must have been firing at a _wig_." - - - THE FEMALE LINGUIST. - -A report having reached his Lordship that a female pedant, who was well -known as a blue stocking and linguist, was about to be married, he -observed, "He could answer for her disposition to _conjugate_, but -feared she would have no opportunity of _declining_." - - - HOPE AND JOY. - -At a trial in the Irish Court, Mr. Hope, an eminent attorney, being -employed as agent in a certain cause, apologized to the court for the -absence of Mr. Joy, his counsel, requesting that it would delay for a -few minutes, till Mr. Joy, who was engaged in another court, would -return. Some time having elapsed, Lord Norbury addressed the bar, -saying, "Gentlemen, I think we had better proceed with the business of -the day--although - - '_Hope_ told a flattering tale, - That _Joy_ would soon return.'" - - - A RUM WITNESS SENT TO QUOD. - -A witness being interrogated by Lord Norbury, in a manner not pleasing -to him, turned to an acquaintance, and told him in a half whisper, that -he did not come there to be _queered_ by the old one. Lord Norbury heard -him, and instantly replied in his own _cant_, "I'm _old_, 'tis true, and -I'm _rum_ sometimes--and for once I'll be _queer_, and send you to -_quod_." - - - A LATE DINNER. - -Mr. Curran was to dine with Lord Norbury, when Mr. Toler. His dinner -hours were late, which Mr. Curran always disliked. Mr. Toler was going -to take his ride, and meeting Mr. Curran walking towards his house, -said, "Do not forget, Curran, you dine with me to-day." "I rather fear, -my friend," replied Mr. Curran, "it will be _so long first_, that you -may forget it." - - - CUT AND COME AGAIN. - -In a celebrated trial, wherein Mr. Trumble was plaintiff, and Mr. -Allpress of Abbey-street, defendant, before Lord Norbury and a special -jury, Mr. Serjeant Johnson, Counsellor Leland, and one or two more very -fat barristers were employed for the defendant. The opposite bar were -remarkably thin spare men, viz. Messrs. Goold, North, Pennyfather, &c. -Mr. Johnson, in defending his client from paying a penal rent, in the -heat of argument said, "My Lord and gentlemen of the jury, the opposite -party stand forth like Shylock in the play, with their knife -outstretched _to cut from us_ the very pound of flesh!" Lord Norbury -very tritely interrupted the learned serjeant by saying, "Mr. Johnson, -the opposite bar perhaps conceive you _can spare it better_." - - - A NOTE TAKER TRANSPORTED. - -When it was told to Lord Norbury, that sentence of transportation to -Botany Bay was passed upon the notorious Mr. Smith, who had been -detected in clandestinely pocketing some notes off the vestry-room -table, after the collection for the Charity Schools of St. Michael's -Church, in November 1819, he jocosely replied, "that he thought it very -hard, as it was no uncommon thing to have _note takers_ at all such -public meetings." - - - CLOSE SHAVING. - -The Persian Ambassador having, among other public places, visited the -Irish Courts of Justice, in November Term of 1819, coming into the Court -of Common Pleas whilst it was sitting, the business was suspended for a -short time, to view so extraordinary a personage, he being fully dressed -in the eastern costume, long beard, &c. After he had retired, one of the -Judges asked Lord Norbury what he thought of him, his Lordship wittily -replied, "he might be a very _clever man_, but he was certain he was not -a _close shaver_." - - - THE RACKET COURT. - -The counsel in the Irish courts are not always so decorous and attentive -as they should be. During the examination of a witness, Lord Norbury -had occasion once or twice to request silence; when the man, in a reply -to a question from his lordship relative to his occupation, answered -that "he kept a _racket court_." "Indeed," said the judge, and looking -archly at the bar, continued, "and I am very sorry to say that I am -Chief Justice of a _racket court_ much too often." - - - POT LUCK. - -A certain Irish musical amateur, who was very irritable, had a party of -vocal and instrumental friends on a particular evening in every week at -his own house; when some wags, more desirous of promoting discord than -harmony, used to assemble under his windows, making the most hideous -noises, or in the Irish phraseology, "_giving him a shaloo_," upon which -the amateur dislodged the contents of a certain chamber utensil upon the -heads of some passers by, but unfortunately missed his persecutors. For -this assault an action was brought and tried before Lord Norbury, who, -in summing up the case to the jury, good humouredly observed, "that the -plaintiffs must be considered in the light of _uninvited guests_, and it -could not be denied that they had been treated by the defendant with -_pot-luck_." - - -In a humorous trial between the rival managers, Messrs. Daly and -Astley, respecting the right of the latter to perform the farce of "My -Grandmother," at the Peter-street theatre, Dublin, Daly's counsel -stated, that the penalties recoverable from the defendant, for his -infringement of the rights of the patent theatre, would all be given to -that excellent charity the Lying-in Hospital. Mr. Toler, in reply, -observed, "That it was notorious, no man in Dublin had contributed more -largely, _in one way_, to the Lying-in Hospital than Mr. Daly; and it -was therefore but fair, if he recovered in this action, that he should -send them _the cash_. But," continued the facetious counsel, "although -Mr. Daly's attachment to _good pieces_ is proverbial, we do not choose -that he shall monopolize all the _good pieces_ in Dublin, from '_My -Grandmother_' down to '_Miss in her Teens_.'" - - - LORD NORBURY'S EPITAPH. - SAID TO HAVE BEEN WRITTEN BY HIMSELF - - He's dead! alas, facetious _punster_, - Whose jokes made learned wigs with fun stir: - From heaven's high court, a _tipstaff's_ sent, - To call him to his _pun_-ishment:-- - Stand to your ropes! ye sextons, ring! - Let all your clappers ding, dong, ding! - Nor-bury him without his due, - He was himself a Toler[22] too! - -[22] The Learned Judge's name. - - - - -[Illustration] - - - - - PUNNING EPIGRAMS. - - THE SPORTING PUNSTERS. - - Two merry wags, of Cockney land, - Well known at Rhodes's, in the Strand, - Where tavern wits choice puns let fly, - Resolved their dogs and guns to try. - Dress'd cap-a-pee, in sporting suit, - With jacket, belt, and net to boot, - Away they trudge to Hampstead Rise, - To take the pheasants by surprise. - And what will strange appear, though true, - A poor stray'd cock-bird came in view, - Uprising 'tween the punning elves, - Who miss'd the bird, but shot themselves. - Condoling on their hapless gunning, - They yet could not desist from punning: - "Ne'er mind, Tom, _peasants_ each we've hit." - "Why leave the _aitch_, Ned, out of it?" - "Because," quoth Ned, "I'd fain forget - The _aitch_ that frets my body yet." - "Still _pop_ for _pop_," quoth Tom again. - Says Ned, "I feel a _shooting pain_; - But then I've heard, those who aspire - To be good sportsmen must stand fire." - "Agreed," cries Tom, "and in my head - 'Tis now engraved in _molten lead_." - - _By_ Bernard Blackmantle. - - - ON SIR THOMAS MORE, LORD CHANCELLOR OF ENGLAND. - - When _More_ had few years Chancellor been, - No _more_ suits did remain; - The like shall never _more_ be seen, - Till _More_ be there again! - - - R.B. SHERIDAN'S EPIGRAM ON PITT. - - The nation is _pawn'd_! we shall find to our cost, - And the minister since has the _duplicate_ lost. - We shall all be undone by the politic schemer, - Who, though "_Heav'n-born_[23]," will not prove a _Redeemer_. - - [23] In the ministerial prints Mr. Pitt was usually so designated. - - - ON "RECOLLECTIONS OF LORD BYRON, BY THE - LATE R.C. DALLAS, EDITED BY HIS SON." - - A mighty DULL ASS is old prosing Dallas, - And quite as dull and prosing is his Son-- - What! fifteen shillings for the book! Alas! - No pleasant "_Recollection_"----I am _done_. - - - DEAN SWIFT'S BARBER. - -Dean Swift's barber one day told him that he had taken a public house. -"And what's your sign?" said the Dean. "Oh, the pole and bason; and if -your worship would just write me a few lines to put upon it, by way of -motto, I have no doubt but it would draw me plenty of customers." The -Dean took out his pencil, and wrote the following couplet, which long -graced the barber's sign: - - "Rove not from _pole_ to _pole_, but step in here, - Where nought excels the _shaving_ but the _beer_." - - - G. COLMAN TO MISS M. TREE, - - _Impromptu, on Miss M. Tree's intended marriage and - retirement from the stage._ - - You bloom and charm us!--still the bosom grieves, - When Trees of _your description_ take their _leaves_. - - - TO CAPTAIN PARRY, THE POLAR NAVIGATOR, - - _On his giving a Fete on board the Hecla._ - - Dear Captain Parry, you are right - To give the belles a levee; - God grant your _dancing_ may be _light_, - For oh! your _book is heavy_. - - - SAM ROGERS TO CHARLES LAMB. - - _Elia's Pen._ - - Says _Elia_, "Zounds, this pen is hard!" - Quoth Samuel Rogers, "Do not huff; - But write away, my honey bard, - You soon can make it _soft enough_." - - - FRI _v._ DAY. - - _Good Friday_ rain'd, _Sam Rogers_ dined - On soles, for fish were all the go; - And Sam allowed the _Fri_ was _good_, - Although the _day_ was but _so so_. - - - TO THE LATE MR. COUTTS. - - _Written at Holly Lodge, Highgate, by the Duke of - Gordon, and presented in the Drawing-room by the - Marquis of Huntley._ - - An _apple_, we know, caused old Adam's disgrace, - Who from Paradise quickly was driven; - But yours, my dear Tom, is a happier case, - For a _Melon_ transports you to heaven. - - - TO MRS. COUTTS, THE GAY WIDOW. - - Her mourning is all make-believe; - 'Tis plain there's nothing in it; - With weepers she has tipp'd her sleeve, - The while she's laughing in it. - - - IMPROMPTU, BY LORD ERSKINE TO LADY PAYNE, - ON BEING TAKEN ILL AT HER HOUSE. - - 'Tis true I am ill, but I need not complain; - For he never knew pleasure who never knew _Payne_. - - - TO C.J. FOX, ON HIS MARRIAGE. - - God's noblest work's an _honest man_, - Says Pope's instructive line; - To make an _honest woman_, then, - Most surely is divine. - - - TO JOSEPH HUME, ON HIS ORATORY. - - You _move_ the people, when you speak, - For one by one, _away_ they sneak. - - - COWPER'S HOMER. - - _Any-mad-versions_ when like this I see, - _Animadversions_ they will draw from me. - - - TO LORD NELSON. BY PETER PINDAR. - - _With his Lordship's night-cap, that caught fire on the - Poet's head, as he was reading in bed at Merton._ - - Take your night-cap again, my good lord, I desire, - For I wish not to keep it a minute; - What belongs to a Nelson, where'er there is fire, - Is sure to be instantly in it. - - - ON THE COUNTESS OF B----, WHO WAS RUINED AT - THE GAMING TABLE. - - _Card-table epitaph._ - - Clarinda reign'd the queen of _hearts_, - Like sparkling _diamonds_ were her eyes; - Till by the knave of _clubs'_ false arts, - Here bedded by a _spade_ she lies. - - - ADAM AND MACADAM. - - "The Macadamized streets are extremely _dusty_."-- - _Morning Paper._ - - Adam was made of borrow'd dust; - So says the Bible; and, 'tis plain, - Macadam, to discharge the trust, - To dust turns all the _ways of men_. - - - THE INQUEST, BY E. KNIGHT, COMEDIAN. - - _A hint to clever men employed on such occasions._ - - "Poor Peter Pike is drown'd, and neighbours say - The jury mean _to sit on him_ to day." - "Know'st thou for what?" said Tom.--Quoth Ned, "no doubt - 'Tis merely done _to squeeze the water out_." - - - BY HIS ROYAL HIGHNESS THE DUKE OF SUSSEX. - - _Royal Pun-Dit._ - - Come, lament, all ye _Rogers_, of punning renown, - Whose praises are sung by the[24] Puss sex, - For the pun of all puns that enraptures the town - Is the last by his big Grace of Sus-sex. - - In dispensing last week the Dispensary toasts, - And telling the names of its Patrons, - He stumbled on two, of whom Watling Street boasts, - No matter if spinsters or matrons. - - First came Mrs. Church, and then came Mrs. Bliss: - Said his Grace "Were such joys ever given! - We enter the first--for the way we can't miss: - We enter the second--'_tis Heaven_!" - -[24] Puss, a domestic animal--allegorically a mature spinster--_a -tabby_.--Johnson. - - - TO HOWARD PAYNE, THE COMPILER OF "BRUTUS." - - Your _prose_ and _verse_ alike are bad, - Methinks you both transpose; - Your _prose_ e'en like your _verse_ runs mad, - And all your _verse_ is _prose_. - - - DR. WALCOT TO SHIELD THE COMPOSER. - - _The following was sent to Shield, the ingenious Composer, - for his Ivory Ticket of admission to a Concert, - by his friend Peter Pindar._ - - Son of the _string_, (I do not mean _Jack Ketch_, - Though Jack, like _thee_, produceth _dying tones_,) - Oh! yield thy pity to a starving wretch, - And for to-morrow's _treat_, pray send thy _bones_! - - - BY LORD BYRON, - - _On Southey's house being on fire._ - - Pierios vatis Theodori flamma Penates, - Abstulit: hoc Musis, hoc tibi, Phoebe, placet? - O scelus, ô magnum facinus, crimenque deorum, - Non arsit pariter quod domus et dominus. - - _Martial_, Lib. xi. Epig. 94. - - - The Laureate's house hath been on fire! the Nine - All smiling saw that pleasant bonfire shine: - But, cruel fate! Oh damnable disaster! - The house--the house is burnt, and not the master! - - - GEORGE TIERNEY, M.P. - - _The Inclosure Bill._ - - If 'tis a crime in man or woman, - A goose to pilfer from a common; - What can a parliament excuse, - To steal a _common_ from a _goose_? - - - ON THE MARRIAGE OF MISS LITTLE, - - _A lady remarkably short in stature._ - - Thrice happy Tom--I think him so; - For mark the poet's song,-- - "Man wants but little here below, - Nor wants that little _long_." - - - ON SIGNOR B. OF THE KING'S THEATRE, WHO RAN - AWAY FROM HIS CREDITORS. - - His _time_ was _quick_, his _touch_ was fleet, - Our gold he nimbly _finger'd_; - Alike alert with _hands_ and _feet_, - His _movements_ have not linger'd. - - Where lies the wonder of the case? - A moment's thought detects it; - His _practice_ has been _thorough-bass_, - A _chord_ will be his exit. - - - SHERIDAN AND HIS SON TOM. - - A father and son much addicted to drink, - Sat each quaffing his grog with high glee; - Said the parent, "Why, Tom, thou dost drink mighty deep, - Though you'll say that you take _after_ me." - - "No, _father_," cried Tom, "I will never say so, - Nor _do_ so, I hope, by St. Paul; - For, 'tis certain, that if I did _take after you_, - I should drink _scarcely any at all_!" - - - BY LORD HARBOROUGH. - - If _Love's_ a _flame_, as ancient poets prove, - Ah, me! how _cold's_ the _fire_ of my _Love_. - - - ON A PAINTED FAIR. - - Ye ladies who _paint_, may most safely declare, - With _Horace_, that _dust_ and a _shadow_ ye are. - - - CURRAN'S DEFINITION OF AN EPIGRAM. - - An epigram, what is it, honey? - A little poem, short and funny; - About four lines in length,--not more: - Then this _is_ one, for here are four. - - - ON A MISER NAMED MORE. - - _Iron_ was his chest, - _Iron_ was his door; - His hand was _iron_, - And his heart was _More_. - - - ON THE LATE JOHN KEMBLE. - - _Written during the O.P. contest._ - - _Actor_ and _Architect_, he tries - To please the critics, one and all; - This bids the _private tiers_ to rise, - And that the _public tears_ to fall. - - - MAIDS AND BACHELORS. - - Old maids, in hell, 'tis said, lead apes; - It may be true--but, tarry-- - They're bachelors that fill those shapes - Because they did not marry. - - - ON SEEING A SWAGGERING VICAR AND PHYSICIAN - ARM IN ARM. - - How D.D. swaggers, M.D. rolls! - I dub them both a race of noddies: - Old D.D. has the cure of souls, - And M.D. has the care of bodies. - Between them both, what treatment rare - Our souls and bodies must endure! - One has the cure without the care, - And one the care without the cure. - - - ONE LAWYER MORE. - - "Pray does one More, a lawyer, live hard by?" - "I do not know of _one_," was the reply; - "But if one _less_ were living, I am sure, - Mankind his absence safely might endure." - - - PERCY BYSHE SHELLEY TO A SCOTCH CRITIC. - - In critics this country is rich; - In friendship and love who can match 'em: - When writers are plagued with the _itch_, - They hasten most kindly to _scratch_ 'em. - - - DAVID DOUBLE'S PETITION TO ONE OF THE - INNS OF COURT. - - The Society of Clement's Inn having had iron - bars put up at the entrance to prevent porters, - cattle, or other nuisances from coming in,--it - called forth the following lines from a "_fat - single gentleman_" to the principal and ancients. - - Ye _principal_ and _ancient_ men, attend - To one of your unfortunate fat lodgers, - Whose _studies_ make him _lusty_;--oh! befriend! - Or I shall surely call you _ancient codgers_. - - 'Tis true I came here, looking to _the bar_, - And hop'd to have _a call_ some day unto it; - But at _your entrance_ now there _many_ are, - Indeed so many, that I can't get thro' it. - - "_I can't get out_," as Sterne's poor starling said, - Unless I ask the porter to unlock it; - This must be alter'd, as I'm so well fed, - Or 'gainst my _corpus_ you must strike a docket. - - This may reduce me to a decent size, - And let me pass your cursed bars of iron; - Put up to keep us from the _London cries_, - Which now your _sanctum sanctorum_ environ. - - For if I can't be _taken in_, 'tis clear - I cannot be _let out_; and that gives trouble. - Ye _principal_ and _ancient_ men, oh! hear! - And let me _pass the bar_--I'm David Double. - - - ON A MR. HOMER'S BANKRUPTCY. - - That _Homer_ should a bankrupt be - Is not so very _Odd-d'ye-see_; - If it be true, as I am instructed, - So _Ill-he-had_ his books conducted. - - - WALKING FOR LIFE. - - _On a Gentleman bringing on a severe fit of illness, by - an excess in walking exercise, in order to preserve his - health._ - - Prithee cease, my good friend, to expend thus your breath; - 'Tis in vain these exertions you make: - And to "_walk for your life_" against sure-footed death, - Is the very "_worst step you can take_!" - - - A SPIRIT ABOVE AND A SPIRIT BELOW. - _On a Methodist Chapel, the vaults under which were used - as wine cellars_: - - There's a spirit _above_ and a spirit _below_, - A spirit of _joy_ and a spirit of _woe_: - The spirit _above_ is a spirit _divine_; - The spirit _below_ is a spirit of _wine_. - - - THE UPPER ROOMS AND THE OLD ROOMS, BATH. - - Two musical parties to Bladud belong, - To delight the _old rooms_ and the _upper_: - One gives to the ladies a _supper_, no _song_; - The other a _song_ and no _supper_. - - - ON A LEFT-HANDED WRITING-MASTER. - - Though nature thee of thy _right_ hand bereft, - _Right_ well thou _writest_ with the hand that's _left_. - - - PRINTER'S KISS. - - Print on my lips another kiss, - The picture of thy glowing passion-- - Nay, this wont do--nor this--nor this-- - But now--Ay, that's a _proof impression_. - - - TO A DOUBTFUL MILITARY CHARACTER. - - Though much you're scar'd by _Mars_ in _arms_, - At _fighting_ much _dejected_; - Yet _Venus_, with her _naked_ charms, - Has seen you--More-affected. - - - THE FOUR AGES OF WOMAN. - _From the French._ - - Woman is - In infancy a tender flower, - Cultivate her; - A floating bark in girlhood's hour, - Softly freight her. - A fruitful vine when grown a lass, - Prune and please her; - Old, she's a heavy charge, alas! - Support and ease her. - - - THE FEMALE CARD PLAYER AND HER GARDENER. - _On a Lady far advanced in years, who was a great - Card-player, having married her Gardener._ - - _Trumps_ ever rul'd the charming maid, - Sure all the world must pardon her; - The destinies turned up a _spade_; - She married John the _gardener_. - - - THE BENCHERS OF THE TEMPLE. - _The Lamb and the Horse being their Insignia._ - - The _Lamb_, the lawyer's _innocence_ declares; - The _Horse_, their _expedition_ in affairs; - Hail, happy men! such _emblems_ well describe - The _specious cunning_ of your _legal tribe_: - For say what _client_ can expect a _loss_ - From _Lamb_-like lawyers, _fleeter_ than a _Horse_? - No more let _Chancery's ills_ be _endless_ counted, - Since on the _Pegasus_ of _Law_ ye're mounted. - And ye, _poor suitors_! mark your _simple fate_-- - The _shorn lambs_ ye--that crowd the _Temple gate_. - - - ON SIR ISAAC NEWTON. - - "Some _demon_, sure," says wond'ring Ned, - "In Newton's brain has fix'd his station!" - "True," Dick replies, "you've rightly said, - I know his name,--'tis _demon-stration_." - - - TO CERTAIN FAIR MARRIED LIBERTINES. - - Ladies! the _stags_ (as wise men say) - Change _horns_ but _once_ a-year: - Whereas _your_ stags change _ev'ry day_, - As plainly does appear. - - - ON GRIEVES'S BRUSH. - - Some men _brush_ on, and some _brush_ off, - And some _brush_ out of sight! - While _Grieves's[25] brush_ makes thousands _rush_ - To see it every night. - -[25] The eminent talents of this distinguished artist have been for a -series of years displayed in the beautiful scenery produced at Covent -Garden Theatre. - - - ON THE HYDE PARK ACHILLES. - - If on this pedestal we see - Our great _Achilles_ and Protector, - Why then the inference must be, - He whom he vanquished was a _Hector_. - - - - - EPIGRAMS BY W. R. V. - -_On reading that Madame Fodor had endangered her life by drinking - vinegar to reduce her shape._ - - Against Fodor's existence, it may truly be said, - That custom has raised an unnatural strife; - For if she gets _fat_--she loses her _bread_; - And if she gets _thin_--she loses her _life_. - - -_On seeing Mrs. Siddons at Covent-Garden Theatre, on the first night of - the appearance of Miss Dance._ - - Piozzi, when eighty, at a dance led the first, - But she was mirth's votary through life's pleasant trance, - And though fame knows not age, yet our wonder is just, - Where _Melpomene's_ self comes to welcome the _Dance_. - - -_On seeing Miss Foote in the part of Ariel, so exquisitely played by - Miss Tree._ - - Where's Ariel? that is, where is _Tree_? - Whose voice and form so truly suit in't; - Surely the public must agree, - The Manager has put his _Foot_ in't. - - -_On the Commons passing the Catholic Bill one day, and on the next - throwing out a Toll for passing Blackfriars Bridge._ - - England's friendly to all, let folks say what they will, - From Gentile, or Jew, she ne'er was a rover; - Her _Commons_ first passed the Catholic Bill, - And the very next day vote for the _Pass over_. - - -_On reading that Captain Parry embarked on board the "Fury" Discovery - Ship early in Passion Week._ - - Parry's _rage_ for discovery exceeds all, no doubt, - For both captain and crew in a _Fury_ set out; - But still some excuse will appear for this freak, - When we learn the affair took place in _Passion_ week. - - -_On reading in the Paper a supposition that Shakspeare was lame._ - - That Shakspeare was _lame_, from his sonnets you'd gain, - But _halt_ ere such men with _weakness_ you're branding; - An abler _hand_ never guided a pen, - And his works plainly show he'd a strong _understanding_. - - - ON THE NEW CROWN-PIECE; - -_The Sovereign's name being cut George IIII. and not as heretofore - George IV. with a laurel wreath._ - - Pistrucci, in thine art divine, - Thou never wast more clever; - Long may the _laurel_ mark our Sovereign's line, - But may the _I.V._ never! - - - IMPROMPTU - -_On Captain Fitz-Clarence's life being preserved by the interposition of - Serjeant Legge, at the capture of the Conspirators in Cato Street._ - - When war destruction on the soldier deals, - Some seek from death a refuge in their heels; - E'en brave Fitz-Clarence, in the deadly strife, - We find indebted to his _Legge_ for life! - - - MATTHEWS'S APOLOGY FOR A BAD COAT. - - Jack from his box surveys the house around, - Views in the pit a friend with glass erect, - Whose rusty coat with many a gaping wound - First draws the cut oblique, and then the cut direct. - - "How now," cries Will! (whilst all around him heard), - "Cut an old friend! why, Jack, what are you after? - Oh, oh, the coat! 'pon honor that's absurd; - Charles is so droll, I've _cracked my sides with laughter_." - - - TO A PEDANT WHO WORE A PIGTAIL. - - That U follows Q - Is not always true; - When your pigtail I view, - Then _queue_ follows _you_. - - - ON THE FILTHY STATE OF THE PAVEMENT DURING - THE LATE RAINS. - - When British flags triumphant scour'd the main, - Trade unrestricted bless'd the industrious swain; - But now in vain 'gainst hostile floods he fags. - Oh that the main would scour the British flags! - - - TO THE AUTHOR OF "PEN OWEN." - - If wit and elegance combined, - With harmless satire glowing, - Can gain applause, or charm the mind, - It is to your _Pen-owing_. - - - ON BOCHSA'S DELUGE, LED BY SMART. - - When Apollo appears, vain would Discord oppose; - With a "Deluge" of music the house overflows; - His (Boxer) _Bochsa beats time_, who's forced to impart - Nought but pleasure arising from Harmony's _Smart_. - - - A SNEER ANSWERED. - - "Leave off your puns," said Jack to Bill, - "Give me a _bon mot_ if you will." - "A what? a _bon mot_! how absurd! - Whoever gave you a _good word_." - - - A PUNSTER'S EPITAPH ON HIS DOG. - - Here _lies_, who living never _lied_, - A friend sincere, of courage tried; - No slave to wealth, to vice unknown, - Though oft reduced to _pick_ a _bone_. - _Patch'd_ was his _coat_, both _red_ and _white_, - And _shaggy_ too his outward plight; - Yet grateful still his master serv'd, - And from allegiance never swerv'd. - A sportsman true, who at a word - Would _point_, and oft bring down his bird: - Or _fetch_, or _carry_, _hunt_, or _find_, - Whate'er was of the feather'd kind. - "By no disease--no blast he fell, - "But, like to fruit that's mellow'd well, - "Dropp'd on the earth, worn out by time, - "As clock that can no longer chime:" - Here Carlo stopp'd--for want of breath, - Outrun at last by Nimrod death. - Bernard Blackmantle. - -[Illustration] - - - - - THE - - PUNSTER'S COURT; - - OR, - - THE CONTEST BETWEEN JANUS AND PAN. - - VERSIFIED FROM SWIFT. - - _For Illustration, see Vignette to Title._ - - - Great Plato and Homer, and half a score sages, - Who flourished as scholars in heathen-like ages, - Have all of them prov'd, if their writings you'll seek, - That _Puns_ were esteem'd both by _Hebrew_ and _Greek_: - Nay, more, that the gods loved and practised the fun, - And their merriment owed to the mirth-making _Pun_. - There's Buxtorf, a learned _Chaldean_, hath told, - That Ptolemæus Philo-punnæus, of old, - Sent for six learned priests, for his principal city, - To propagate _punning_ and make the folks witty: - And so well did the priests with the people succeed, - That their _Puns_ were collected, and thus 'twas decreed; - "In a temple devoted to _punning_ and wit, - "In letters of gold, on the front shall be writ; - "'The shop for the physic to gladden the soul,'"-- - Where the sick, sad, and broken of heart are made whole. - Here Janus contended with Pan for the throne, - When his _double-faced_ godship unrivalled shone; - For no matter how wittily Pan _punn'd_ away, - Janus turn'd round his head from the "grave to the gay," - Till the audience, fill'd with amazement and wonder, - Decided for Janus's double _entendre_. - - Bernard Blackmantle. - - - - - PUNS - - FOR ALL PERSONS AND PURPOSES; - - OR, - -_JOKES FOR EVERY DAY IN THE YEAR._ - - "Touch but his _gunpowder wit_ with a merry _fire_, and - you shall instantly hear a good _report_." - - "A punster's wit, what is it like?" - "The electric spark, from Merc'ry ta'en;" - "Or gunpowder," says merry Mike, - "Touch it, you bid adieu to pain." - - - PUNNING AT BACKGAMMON. - -Two scholars of Brazen Nose College, Oxford, playing at backgammon, a -third came in to _size_, that is, to obtrude for a dinner. The owner of -the room throwing the dice, and addressing himself alternately to his -visitors, said - - "If I bate you an _ace_, - _Deuce_ take me; - for it would be-_tray_ a weakness - in a man who could not _cater_ for himself. - Therefore _sink_ me - if you do _size_." - - - A NEGATIVE PUN. - - -"I am happy, Ned, to hear the report that you have succeeded to a large -_landed_ property!" "And I am sorry, Tom, to tell you that it is -_groundless_." - - - A PUN.--THE ORIGIN OF THE PAPAL POWER. - -In the Latin version of the Bible there is the following passage:--_Tu -es_ Petrus, _et super hanc petram ædificabo meam ecclesiam_. The French, -in rendering these words into their own tongue, convert them into a -proof that St. Peter was the corner stone here spoken of--_Tu es_ -Pierre, _et sur cette pierre j'edifierai mon eglise_!!! - - - A MAN-MILLINER'S PUN. - -An amateur, famous for taking a front seat in the pit the first night of -a new opera, was dreadfully annoyed one night by the big drum, opposite -to whose "loud sounds" he was unfortunately placed. He expressed his -uneasiness so frequently, that the performer made use of the word -"man-milliner" once or twice, in derision of his tender auriculars. -"Man-milliner!" said the gentleman, "I am none, but you're the vilest -_tambour-worker_ I ever met with." - - - A BACKSLIDER'S PUN. - -A gentleman asked another if he would have a _skait_ on the -Serpentine;--"Most certainly; but I can't trust to my _soles_ and -_heels_: besides, I should lose my character."--"Lose your -character!"--"Aye, I should become a _back-slider_."--"Oh," answered his -friend, "come along; you'll do, if you commence on _fundamental_ -principles." - - - AN HERALDIC PUN. - -A gentleman employing a porter whose name was _Russel_, asked him -jocularly, "Pray is your coat of arms the same with the duke of -Bedford's?" "Our _arms_ (answered the fellow) are, I suppose, pretty -much alike; but there is a confounded difference in our _coats_." - - - A CANONICAL PUN. - -A canon of Exeter Cathedral died a few weeks since; a gentleman, -crossing the Cathedral-yard in that city, accidentally met a friend, to -whom he said--"So, Canon H---- is dead!"--"Indeed!" replied the other, -"I was not aware that _cannons_ went _off_ in that way."--"Yes, they -do," rejoined the first, "for I have just heard the _report_!" - - - AN APOTHECARY'S PUN. - -"Does your husband expectorate?" said an apothecary to a poor Irish -woman who had long visited his shop for her sick husband--"_Expect to -ate_, yer honour--no sure, and Paddy does _not_ expect to ate--he's -nothing at all to ate!" The humane man sent a large basin of _mixture_ -from a tureen of soup then smoking on his table. - - - A BITTER PUN. - -An apothecary asserted that all bitter things were hot. "Pardon me, -(said his friend), this is a _bitter cold day_." - - - A SMUGGLER'S PUN. - -When the Custom-house corps first made their public appearance, it was -observed by one, that they looked as formidable as so many _Alexanders_. -"Rather say," said another, "that they appear more like _Seizers_," -(Cæsars.) - - - COLLEGE PUN UPON PUN. - -Two Oxonians dining together, one of them noticing _a spot of -grease_ on the neckcloth of his companion, said, "I see you are a -_Grecian_."--"Pooh!" said the other, "that's _far-fetched_."--"No, -indeed," says the punster, "I made it _on the spot_." - - - A CRANIOLOGICAL PUN. - -A craniologist and a disciple of Lavater disputing the merits of their -several professions; says the _Skullist_, "What we cannot get into their -noddles, we get _out_ of them."--"Yes," says the physiognomist, "God -help the heads _saddled_ with such a theory! for whilst one _galls_, -t'other _spurs 'em_." - - - A CITY PUN. - -A wag, upon seeing the name of "Mr. Ledger, conductor of the Albion -Library," in the list of deaths, observed, "Ah! poor fellow! his -_day-book's_ closed, and he's _posted_, I suppose, to his _long -account_."--"By no means improbable," said another, "seeing he was -engaged in _book-keeping_ all his life!" - - - A PHYSICAL PUN. - -A gentleman dreadfully ill was recommended to a celebrated -physician--"Oh," replies he, "I have called several times, but he's -always out." "Why then," observes his friend, "try another." "Who?" -"Who! why Sir _Ever-hard-Home_." - - - A COLLEGE PUN. - -A prize was offered in a certain society sacred to the Latin classics, -for the best "_Carmen_" to celebrate Christmas. A jocose tradesman, in -the city, sent the meeting two of his carters, saying, he knew no better -_carmen_ in the world to celebrate the festive season, as they had been -"keeping it up" for the last fortnight. - - - A LADY'S PUN. - -A very agreeable lady of the name of _Riggs_, being one season at -Margate, in the house with six others, her relations, and only one -gentleman to attend the whole; when one regretting that they had not -more of the _male_ creation, she replied, "If we complain of not being -well _manned_, I am sure we are well _rigged_." - - - A COBBLER'S PUN. - -A man in the city, amongst many curiosities, exhibited the identical -boot worn by Frederick the Great. A gentleman viewing it, asked where -the bullet wound was; "Och, (said the fellow from the sister country) -it's been _healed_ lately." - - - A JUDICIAL PUN. - -One Hog was to be tried before Judge Bacon, who told him he was his -kinsman. "Well (replied the learned judge), no _hog_ can become _bacon_ -till he is _hanged_, and then I'll allow your claim." - - - A BACCHANALIAN PUN. - -A jolly vicar, in a state of inebriety, making a zig-zag course to his -house, was asked by a friend who met him, whence he came? He said, "I -have been _spinning_ out the evening with my neighbour Freeport."--"And -now (replied the other), you are _reeling_ it home." - - - A GERMAN PUN. - -A young man of the name of Cæsar having married a young lady called -Rome, a wag wrote upon his door, "_Cave, Cæsar, ne tua Roma fiat -respublica_." - - - A WHISTLING PUN. - -A youth was incurably addicted to the vile sin of punning. His father, -who detested a pun not less than old Mr. Shandy himself, imposed a fine -of half a crown for each commission of this offence. One day the father -and son passing along, saw a man in the pillory. The punster could -scarcely refrain from a pun with which he was big. The presence of dad, -however, restraining his tongue, he indulged his wit by whistling, -"_Through the wood, laddie_." - - - A MANAGER'S PUN. - -A new comedy, on its third representation, being thinly attended, the -author observed that it was all owing to the war. "No (said the manager) -I fear it is owing to the _piece_." - - - THE ANTIGALLICAN PUN. - -A Frenchman in a coffee-house called for a gill of wine, which was -brought him in a glass. He said it was the _French_ custom to bring wine -in a _measure_. The waiter answered, "Sir, we wish for no _French -measures_ here." - - - A CLERICAL PUN. - -A person asked the minister of his parish what was meant by "_He was -clothed with curses as with a garment_."--"My good friend (said the -minister), it means that he had _got a habit of swearing_." - - - A SELFISH PUN. - -A certain tavern-keeper, who opened an oyster-shop as an appendage to -his other establishment, was upbraided by a neighbouring oyster-monger, -as being ungenerous and _selfish_. "And why (said he), would you not -have me _sell-fish_?" - - - A GAMBLING PUN. - -At a ball given lately by a very rich individual, M. de C. found himself -_vis-à-vis_ at a table _d'écarté_, with a valet-de-chambre whom he had -turned away some days before. "This time at least," said M. de S. to -whom the circumstance was related, "this time, at least, he knew whom he -had to _deal_ with!" - - - A STAYMAKER'S PUN. - -A poor corset-maker, out of work, and starving, thus vented his -miserable complaint: "Shame that I should be without bread; I that have -_stayed the stomachs_ of thousands!" - - - CLERICAL PUNS. - -At a church in Ireland, where there was a popular call for a minister, -as it is termed, two candidates offered to preach, whose names were Adam -and Low. The latter preached in the morning, and took for his text, -"_Adam_, where art thou?" He made a very excellent discourse, and the -congregation were much edified. In the afternoon Mr. Adam preached upon -these words, "_Lo!_ here am I." The impromptu and the sermon gained him -the appointment. - - - HORNE TOOKE'S PEDIGREE. - -Horne Tooke having, in a political argument, obtained an advantage over -his opponent, concluded by saying, "his irritable friend looked as red -with vexation as a _Turkey Cock_." The other, thinking to wound his -feelings by a cutting retort to this sarcasm, observed "that he dared to -say Mr. Tooke had quite forgotten who his father was?" "Oh! no indeed, -I have not," said Tooke, "he was a _Turkey Merchant_, (i. e. a -_Poulterer_.)" - - - A JOE MUNDEN. - -It being told the comedian, during his stay at Brighton, that Mrs. -Coutts had offered five thousand pounds for _Byam-House_, Munden -exclaimed, "My wigs and eyes! five thousand pounds to _buy-a-mouse_! -What the devil will the woman do next?" - - - PARISIAN PUNS. - -1. The Count de Sedan held that little state as a fief of the crown of -France, of which he was in other respects a subject. Louis XIV. wishing -to put his paw upon this domain, had the Count arrested and clapped into -the Bastille, on a supposed charge of treason. The result was, that, in -order to save his life, he gave up his possessions; on which the wits of -Paris made this pun--"_Il donnoit Sedan_ (ses dents) _pour sauver sa -tête_." - -2. Madame de Stael has been much admired for her handsome figure, and -particularly her fine arm, but unfortunately disfigured by her deformed -foot. Being in a gallery at Paris, where there was an empty pedestal, -vain of her person, she mounted, and placed herself in an attitude to -display her figure to advantage; but unluckily one of her feet peeped -out. A wit approached, and seeming to look only at the pedestal, -exclaimed, "_O le vilain Pie-de-stal!_" - -3. Mons. St. Priest, who had been ambassador from the court of France to -the Ottoman _Porte_, was afterwards sent, in a diplomatic capacity, to -the Hague; but on account of some ceremonial being neglected, he refused -to enter the gates of that place. This gave occasion to the wits of -Paris to observe, that he was still "_ambassadeur à la Porte_." - - - COMMERCIAL PUNS. - FROM "TRAVELLER'S HALL," "_English Spy_." - -"I don't see the _bee's wing_ in this port, Mr. Blackstrap, that you are -_bouncing_ about," said a London traveller to a timber merchant. "No, -sir," said the humourist, "it is not to _be_ seen until you are a _deal_ -higher in _spirits_; the _film_ of the _wing_ is seldom discernible in -such _mahogany_-coloured wine as this." "Sir, I blush like _rose-wood_ -at your impertinence." "Ay, sir, and you'll soon be as _red_ as -_logwood_, or as _black_ as _ebony_, if you will but do justice to the -bottle," was the reply. "There is no being _cross-grained_ with you," -said the timber-merchant. "Not unless you _cut_ me," retorted -Blackstrap, "and you are not _sap_ enough for that." "Gentlemen," -continued the facetious wine-merchant, "if we do not get a little fruit, -I shall think we have not met with our _dessert_; and although there be -some among us whose _principals_ are worth a _plum_, there are very few -of their representatives, I suspect, who will offer any objections to my -_reasons_." - - - A COCKNEY'S PUN. - -A Londoner told his friend that he was going to Margate for a change of -_h_air; "You had better," said the other, "go to the _wig-maker's -shop_." - - - AN IRISH PUN. - _The two Taymen._ - -About the time of the issue of the new crown-pieces, Messrs. Bish and -Sparrow, the advertising tea-dealers, though strongly opposed to each -other, for two of a trade never agree, set about, highly to their -credit, a reformation in the price and quality of the "fragrant lymph." -An old Irish woman, fond of a cup of "good mixed," thought, what much -more sensible people do, that the above worthies were no less than -_patriots_; but she even went further; on being asked by a neighbour -the meaning round the edge of the coin of "Decus et Tutamen," said she, -"By the powers I suppose Decus means the King, but Bish and Sparrow are -the _Two Taymen_." - - - A SPORTING PUN. - _Managing the Pack._ - -A country gentleman, who was celebrated for taking the lead with some of -the first-rate hunts, became so much reduced in circumstances by his -attachment to gaming, as to accept the office of _dealer_ at a gambling -table. A friend (like Matthews's Dr. Prolix), with infinite promptitude, -observed, "that he continued to follow his old predilection, for he -still _managed the pack_." - - - "BULL'S" PUNS ON THE LATE PANIC AMONG THE BANKERS. - -"In the city, while _Currie_ was _Raiking_ together his cash, Sir _John -Lubbock Fostered_ his _Clarkes_; Sir _William Kay_ knew his _Price_; -_Rogers_ felt _Toogood_ to smash; one house in Fleet-street _Praed_ to -get through it; and while another chuckled like a _Child_, the -_Goslings_ were looking _Sharp_ after their concerns--poor _Hodsoll_," -added the dunce, "was obliged to give up his _Stirling capital_; but -_Stevenson_ knew _his_ partner was worth his _Salt_; _Dorien_, _Magens_, -and _Dorien_, got _Mello_ with rejoicing, and _Jansen_ was never near -being 'done _Brown_;' _Paxton_ and _Cockerell_, according to culinary -custom, sent their _Trail_ to take care of the _long-bills_; and though -_Fry_ might have been in a _Stew_ for a time, he (like the _Smiths_ of -Mansion House-street) soon had his _Payne_ removed. - -"At the west end of the town, though _Scott Claude_ up his money at the -moment, he soon began to pay again; _Kinnaird_ said he could _Ransom_ -his credit whenever he chose; while the other house in Pall-mall -declared they had _More-land_ than would settle the claims of all their -creditors; and although _Marten_ expected a _Call_ on _Arnold_, they -were equally steady with the house of _Cocks_ (part-_Ridges_) at -Charing-cross, who crowed most lustily at their own stability; every -body knows, said the wag, that _Green-wood_ never breaks, and as for -_Thomas's_ in Henrietta-street, it was very soon ascertained that there, -all was _Wright_." - - - A HARROW PUN. - -Receiving a youth back who has been expelled for a misdemeanour, upon -condition that he be severely flogged, appears to be a very odd mode of -_healing the breech_. - - - A SOLDIER'S PUN. - -The peculiar new mode of _drilling_ the soldiers in St. James's Park, -ought, from the variety of their evolutions, to be termed _quadrilling_. - - - A PROFESSIONAL PUN. - -Speaking of professions, there must be somebody _in every way_. "Ay," -replied Taylor the flute player, "and there is a great number of folks -in _one another's way_." - - - A MUSICAL PUN. - -To make a competent double bass player, it requires a _head-piece_, -while a _wind_ instrument performer wants only a _mouth-piece_ (_i. e._ -a reed). - - - A BREAD AND MEAT PUN. - -A needy adventurer coming to London, who was _very thin_, observed to S. -Taylor, that he only wanted to pick up a _little bread_ among the -musical profession; to which the joker replied, "If you can _pick up a -little flesh_ at the same time, it will not be amiss." - - - A PUN UPON MY HONOR! - -A person who was addicted to "pledge his _honor_" upon all occasions, -observed, on looking through the window, "It _rains, upon my honor_." -"Yes," said Taylor, "_and it will rain upon_ MY honor if I go out." - - - CLASSICAL PUN. - -"Do you know," said an Oxonian to his friend, "why an acre of land -bought on a stipulation to pay the purchase-money a year hence, -resembles an ancient lyric song? Because it is _An-acre-on-tick_." - - - A WARM PUN. - -"You are never witty," said a friend, "until you are _well warmed_ with -_wine_." "That may be," replied the punster: "but it is no reason, good -sir, that I am to be _well-roasted_." - - - THE EXCISE-OFFICE _v._ THE STAMP-OFFICE. - -Foster, the oboe player, of Drury Lane Theatre (and who also belonged to -the Excise Office) happened one day, at a rehearsal, to be playing rout -of time. Shaw, the leader, began to _stamp_ violently, and said, "Why -don't you play in better time, you member of the Excise Office?" Upon -which Foster replied, "None of your jeers to members of the _Excise -Office_: you seem to be a member of the _Stamp_ Office yourself." - - - HARPING UPON A FIGURE. - -A professional harpist (who was a very incompetent performer), one night -at Drury Lane Theatre, boasted of the elegant figure upon the head of -his harp; observing that it cost him eight guineas the _cutting_ of it. -Foster immediately exclaimed, "Sir, if I play'd upon the harp, I would -endeavour to _cut a figure_ myself." - - - A PUNSTER'S REQUISITES FOR AN M.P. - -"To get into the gallery of the House of Commons," said a punster, "a -man must have the ribs of a _rhinoceros_; to obtain a _good place_ in -the body of the house, the qualities of a _camelion_; to secure a seat -on the _treasury_ bench, he must not fear to _tread-a-wry_. _Opposition_ -he must write thus--'_oppo_'-site--_position_; _ministerial, -men-who-steer-well_. _Private bills_ he may quote as examples of -_private punishment_; the _speaker's_ dinners, a _speechless_ banquet, -where every guest leaves _politics_ for _polite-tricks_. To speak _well_ -and _long_, you must display _artificial_ feelings, have _leathern_ -lungs, a face of _brass_, an _elephant's_ sagacity, and a _lion's_ -courage; and, with all these qualifications, you may _perchance_ be -considered _bear_able; without them you are certain to come in for a -_scrape_[26]." - -[26] Alluding to the practice of the members _scraping_ their feet upon -the floor when a speaker is considered tiresome. - - - A PUNSTER'S APHORISMS. - -If you mean to be a _domestic_ animal, never marry a woman of a _wild_ -disposition. An _ugly helpmate_, though she may have the wealth of -_Plutus_, and the _virtues_ of an _angel_, can never be considered as a -_lovely wife_. If you would live happily, always _whistle_ when your -wife _whines_ or _scolds_. If she should grow _furious_, take yourself -into the _cool air_, without trying to pacify her. A man who exposes -himself to a _storm_ is sure to get _pelted_. Never offend the ears of a -modest woman by a coarse or indelicate expression: the _fairest mirror_ -is stained by a _passing breath_. Never marry a woman for _money_, lest, -obtaining the _honey_, you are stung by the _queen bee_. Never lose an -opportunity for making a _good pun_, when you can do it consistent with -_good nature_, and without endangering the esteem of _good friends_. A -_pun_, to pass _current_, should bear the _stamp_ of _wit_, and be -_struck_ off in the _mint_ of _originality_. A _genuine bad pun_ is not -always a _bad joke_. _Late_ hours make _lazy_ servants, a _loquacious_ -wife, and end in making a _long_ purse _light_, a _long_ illness -_heavy_, and _long life_ very uncertain. - - Bernard Blackmantle. - - - TARTANI'S DREAM--A TAIL PIECE. - - Blackmantle's labours here, are done, - Ye wits, and wags, in mirth who revel; - Approve each epigram and pun, - And Bernard proves a merry devil. - -[Illustration] - - - - - A - - PUNNING ESSAY - - ON THE - - ANTIQUITY OF THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE, - - BY - - THE AUTHOR OF 'MY POCKET-BOOK[27];' - -_Originally printed as one of Dean Swift's Three Manuscripts, discovered - at St. Patrick's Abbey._ - - - A FRAGMENT. - -[27] This highly celebrated little book, it will by some be remembered, -was written to ridicule Sir John Carr's 'Stranger in Ireland;' and a -more happy, witty, original, and pleasant satire, is not to be found in -the English language. The book is now _out of print_, and only to be met -with in the libraries of the curious. Had I any reason to suppose that -the author (Mr. Dubois), would have republished his work, much as I -should have had to regret the loss of these articles here, I certainly -would not have taken them to do injury to their own witty and original -parent. - -We observe in Homer's _Batrachomyomachia_, that the instant the frog -Calaminthius sees the mouse _Pternoglyphus_, he is so frightened that he -abandons his shield and jumps into the lake: and this confirms our -etymology of the mouse's name, _Turn ugly face_. - -In the same poem, also, we find a warrior-mouse called _Lichenor_, -which some, who, like certain commentators on Shakspeare, will always -be running to the Greek for interpretations, consider as signifying _one -addicted to licking_, but here we see the imbecility of foreign -resources, and the great strength of our own. Their explanation is -certainly something near the mark, but for a mouse, how much more -germain to the matter is ours--_Lick and gnaw_? It is true, that I may -have mistaken the sense of my opponents' language, but even granting -them the full latitude of understanding by their words, as applied to -our military mouse, that he was _one addicted to licking or conquering_, -yet is it by no means so full and expressive as it appears in our -exposition. Besides, it must be remembered that _Lichenor_ was not so -much "addicted to licking" as to being licked, witness the frog -Hypsiboas's running him through the body with a rush. See I. 202. - -At v. 244, we have the mouse _Sitophagus_, who like many a soldier of -modern times had recourse to his heels and betook himself to a snug dry -ditch--[Greek: êlato d'es taphon]. I had always some suspicion that this -name was particularly corrupted in the last syllable, and the foregoing -circumstance has, fortunately for the literary world, furnished me with -a conjecture that seems to place the etymology of this coward's title -beyond all doubt:--_Set off again_--his invariable custom on these -occasions, which was perhaps owing to his having studied the _art -militaire_ in Hudibras, where he learnt that - - ----_Timely running's no mean part - Of conduct in the martial art._ - -_Sitophagus_, from _Set off again_, is perfectly within the canon of -_parcè detorta_, which it may not be amiss here to repeat: - -"New words are allowable, if they descend," says Horace, "from the -English[28] spring, with a sparing distortion." - -[28] Anglo _fonte cadent, parcè detorta_. - -So Horace doubtless wrote, and thus I always read the passage, -correcting the corruption (_Græco_ fonte) which has so long obtained, to -the injury of truth and good letters. - -I have neither leisure nor inclination to go through the whole of the -names of the heroes in Homer's battle of the frogs and mice; nor is it -necessary, for it must be apparent to every ingenuous critic that they -are _all derived from one source_. Such, however, as occur to me -elsewhere, and are thought by many to have very different roots, I shall -notice for the purpose of dispelling the clouds of error, and restoring -the light of truth. - -_Pallas._ This word should be written thus _'Pallas_, with an -apostrophe, as in the instance of _'fore_ for _afore_. Its origin then -clearly appears. The goddess was so called on account of the Gorgon's -head on her shield, that had the power of killing or turning into stone, -which was indeed enough to _Appal us_. - -In a very singular work, printed in 1611, and entitled _Stafford's -Niobe_, I find something like an attempt to prove that the goddess of -wisdom acquired the name of _Pallas_ from the _Paleness_ she occasions -in her followers. The author's words are simply, "Pallas, whose liverie -is paleness," which, if allowed to have any etymological bearing, will, -from their date, at once deprive me of all credit for originality in -this department of philology. The learned reader is left to decide on -this nice point. - -_Venus_, from _wean us_, as it is even now elegantly pronounced by many. -As the heavenly Venus had that power with the Gods, so has each earthly -one with us, namely, to _wean us_ from all other earthly things, and -hence the undoubted derivation. - -[Greek: `Êgemôn], or _Egemon_, with the Greeks, meant a general, and is -very evidently borrowed from a vulgar phrase amongst us, most pointedly -significant of the office of a general, with respect to his soldiers, -viz. to _egg 'em on_. It will be observed, that I have sunk the -aspirate, which is a mere vulgarism in the Greek speaker, as in such -instances as the following amongst ours, viz. "_Hi ham_" for I am. - -_Macrones_, a people on the confines of Colchis, and I should suppose, -though Flaccus does not mention it, and I have no leisure to turn to -Herodotus, remarkable for their partiality to dress, since the word is -clearly an abbreviated pronunciation of _Macaronies_. - -_Celsus._ This philosopher composed a treatise against the Christians, -which having a good sale, one of the Christians, in a merry mood, said, -he _sells us_, and from that moment he bore his present name. - -_L. Mummius_, a Roman consul, who acquired his cognomen of _mummius_, or -_mummy us_, from being sent against the Achæans, whom he beat most -unmercifully. - -_Boreas._ This wind was long without a name, until the people feeling -its northern blasts exceedingly troublesome, would be continually -crying, "how they _bore us_!" which in time gave rise to the word -_boreas_, or as it was originally pronounced _bore us_. Here we -presently come at the etymology of the verb _to bore_, which has -hitherto baffled all research and made futile every conjecture. It -cannot be questioned that the Persian _Boreus_, and _Borus_ the son of -Perieres, had their names from some such obnoxious qualities as are -attributed to the wind, though we are at a loss to guess what they were, -and are by no means willing to venture an hypothesis that may lead to -indecency. It is worthy of remark, as an astonishing fact, that these -gentlemen are mentioned by Polyænus and Apollodorus, but without a word -in the _Stratagems_ of the one, or in the _Bibliotheca_ of the other, -that throws any light on the matter. - -_Philostratus._ A famous sophist, and very liberal and expensive in his -entertainments, from which circumstance his friends very properly gave -him the cognomen of _fill us, treat us_. The penultimate of Philostratus -is short in its derived state, but this is a liberty perfectly excusable -in these cases, and coming assuredly under the description of _parcè -detorta_. - -_Mannus._ It is imagined that this divinity obtained his name from -having once undertaken to furnish some _fleet with men_; but from being -a German God, and for other reasons, I confess that I have no great -faith in this etymology. - -_Æsymnus._ This anxious politician's consulting Apollo, according to -Pausanias, on the subject of legislation, made the witlings of his time -call the God his nurse, and then in ridicule exclaim _ease him nurse_, -which speaks for itself. - -_Bacchus_, or _Back us_; and admirably so called, because he is found -to be the second best in the world, inspiring courage even in a coward. - -_Confucius._ About the etymology of the title of this famous Chinese -philosopher, we are much in the dark; but it seems in the greatest -degree probable that he obtained it from being a philosopher of the -modern description, who put every thing into _confusion_. - -_Damon._ This poet received his name from a circumstance that attended -his banishment from Athens. When the sentence was brought to him, he -began d--ning and swearing most bitterly, on which the officer, a rough -fellow, said, "Oh, you may _Damn on_ as long as you like, it does not -signify, you must go." And go he did, but still swearing; and the -people, who are tickled with a feather, hearing the officer's -observations repeated, nicknamed him _Damon_, or as it was formerly -written and spoken, _Dammon_. - -_Alala._ The goddess of war. See Plutarch de Glor. Athen. So called -because the moment she took the field on any side, that side had the -battle _all hollow_. - -_Æsacus._ He persecuted a nymph so much who did not like him, that she -at last plunged into the sea, and was metamorphosed into a parrot, and -in that state still continued to exclaim, as she was wont, _he's a -curse_, which soon became the lover's appellation. - -_Titans._ A title given to the sons of Coelus and Terra, by Saturn, -when they warred against him. They were at first known as Hyperion, -Briareus, &c.; but when the god heard that they were about to fight with -him, he smiled, and cried, "Ay, ay,--ecod they're _tight 'uns_!" and -this name has distinguished them ever since. - -The above word reminds me of an eastern one--[Hebrew] or -_Abaddon_, which will as indubitably as a thousand instances of _the -like nature_, prove the superior antiquity of the English language over -that of the Jews, as well as that of the Greeks, and it is very -probable, _in an equal degree_, over every other, dead or alive. Abaddon -is a name belonging to the devil, and _the most ignorant_ will not -scruple to confess that they plainly perceive its expressive etymology -in _A bad 'un_. - -In fine--sunt certi denique _fines_--There have been writers who have -scarcely left Troy or its famous war "a local habitation and a name;" -others go still further, and say that no such man as Homer, the author -of the Iliad, ever existed; and a third party, proceeding another step, -talk of proving incontestibly that there _never were any ancients_. But -one wise man (with whom I am proud to join issue) positively affirms, -that those who are called the ancients were born in the infancy of the -world, and do not deserve the title, but that we who live in this -enlightened age, with all the wisdom of past times at our command, are, -truly speaking, the just and legitimate ancients. This, being -_reasonably_ substantiated, lends its powerful assistance to confirm the -opinion respecting the prime antiquity of our native tongue, and I -cannot conclude without indulging the irresistible impulse I feel to -acknowledge, that I have no more doubt than I have with respect to _any -thing yet stated_, that it will ultimately prove to be the _universal -language_. - - - - - EVERY MAN HIS OWN PUNSTER, - - BEING - - RULES FOR PUNNING, - - OR - - PUNS FOR ALL PERSONS AND SEASONS. - - A FRAGMENT. - - "Comitantibus armis, - PUN_ica_ se--attollet _gloria_." _Virg. Æn._ iv. - - -Prefatory remarks on the art of punning--its antiquity from Homer's -_outis_, through Sophocles, Cicero, &c. down to Shakspeare, &c. Its -advantages over wit. Wit requires wit in the hearer to comprehend it--a -lasting and insuperable objection to its universality. Puns, on the -contrary, require no wit to make them, nor any to understand them. Prove -this by their well-known effect on stupidity in drawing-rooms, theatres, -&c. An act to abolish punning would be the destruction of three-quarters -of what are called the _wits_ of our times, and fifteen-sixteenths of -the dramatic writers. - -Under these circumstances of fashion and prevalence, a man might as well -go into a gambling house without knowing how to play, as into company -without knowing how to make himself agreeable by punning. Rules are -necessary for the acquisition of every art. Let what Ovid desired to -have said of him, in respect to love, be said of me, with regard to -punning--"_Magister erat._" - -In the _rules_ divide thus--puns for every day, in one week, in winter, -spring, summer, and autumn. Puns, in these different seasons, for men, -and puns for women, varied according to the class of life, and the rank -held in the particular establishment, &c. &c. - - - MASTER OF A FAMILY. - _First day--Sketch to be filled up._ - -_Sunday._--This is a day of rest for all things but women's tongues and -puns--they have none. You go to church, of course, to set a good example -to your family, but let _them_ attend to the parson, you may be -preparing puns against dinner-time, when you expect a party. - -The man of the house is nothing without his wife. It is becoming that -she should assist you--she is your _help-mate_. Connive together, and -let her put _leading questions_. Half an hour before dinner--company -come. All very stupid as usual. Mrs. ---- observes, that she fears that -the dinner will be rather late, as she was obliged to take _Adam_, the -footman, to the park, on account of the children. The husband -immediately remarks, that Adam may be _the first_ of men, but he is _a -damn_ slow fellow. - -_Mrs. ----._ My dear _Tom_, you deserve a _Cane_ for that. - -_Mr. ----._ Ay, if you were _Able_ to give it to me, who am a _host_ -to-day. Perhaps you were on the _Eve_ of saying this; well, there's as -much chance in these things as in a _Pair o' dice_. - - (_A general laugh._) - -Here you are at the end of this excellent subject. I don't know that any -thing more can be made of it. - -N.B. Hire no man unless his name is _Adam_, or he will suffer you to -call him so. - -Let your children enter. Miss Lucy, George, and Theodore, all punsters, -but this day is devoted to the father. Call your daughter, _Lucy_, -because, if you are a _profound_ scholar, you can frequently bring in -"_luce_ clarior." Your other girl, _Sally_, ran away with an apothecary. -Mrs. ---- will say this, and you'll exclaim, "Ah, Sal _volatile_!" - -Invite a poor French priest[29] to your table at these times. He is -always to ask, when your children appear, "_Est ce qu'ils sont tous par -la même mère?_" - -[29] The word _Emigré_, which appears in this article as before printed, -would at once destroy the _unquestionable_ right Swift has to the honour -of this MS. for _Emigré_ did not obtain in our language till long after -his death. - -When you are to reply--"Yes, I believe they are all by the same _mare_, -but I won't answer for the horse[30]." - -[30] This has been given to Foote; but dates decide. - -This is not very complimentary to your wife; but it would be a pretty -joke indeed, if a good pun was to be lost for such a trifling -consideration. - -If you consult decency too much, there's an end of wit. He who digs for -diamonds must not be over squeamish about dirt. Here Mrs. ---- may say, -"My dear _Tom_, I wish the man would bring up the dinner." - -Mr. ----. "_Bring up_ the dinner, my love? Heaven forbid! As Dido says, -that's '_sic sic_,' so so[31]." - -[31] Æn. iv. 660. - -You must not be too nice, as I observed before. - - (_Mrs. ---- rings the bell._) - - _Enter Servant._ - -_Mrs. ----._ Is dinner ready? - -_Mr._ (_Looking round._)--The _chops_ are, I'm sure. - -_Adam._ It is dishing now, ma'am. - - (_A crash heard as if an accident._) - -_Mr. ----._ _Dishing_ indeed--I fear it's _dished_. - - - _Dinner--all seated._ - -_Mrs. ----._ Will any body take soup? - -_Mr. ----._ What, before grace, you _grace_less rogues. There's no parson -here, I see; though we are not without some of _the cloth_. Well, I'll -say it--grace at dinner is _meet_. - - [A universal laugh. The sight of dinner is a breeder of good-humour.] - - Take care to have the salt-cellars put on the table empty. - -_Mr. ----._ Why what the devil's this--no salt! - -_Mrs. ----._ (As planned.)--You have _salt_ enough, I'm sure, my dear. - -_Mr. ----._ "Ego _pun_ior ipse," Ovid. Very well, very well! my wife is -not a_miss_: but the salt, Adam. - -_Adam._ Sir, the house-keeper's gone out, and I don't know where to get -any. - -_Mr. ----._ Why an't here four _salt_ sellers? - - [The Frenchman does not understand this, but he is to laugh heartily - nevertheless.] - -_Mrs. ----._ Here, Adam; take this key, and you'll find some in the -store-room, at the top of the house. - -_Mr. ----._ _Attic salt_, eh! ha, ha, ha! Well, come let's fall to; this -meat will _keep_ no longer without salt. - -_Mrs. ----._ My dear _Tom_, that rich dish will only give you the gout. - -_Mr. ----._ Pooh! "Chacun à son _gout_." Why should not I eat it, as well -as another? - -_Mrs. ----._ Bless me, how you mangle that duck. - -_Mr. ----._ _Mangle_ it, my love. Well, I think that's better than to -_wash and iron_ it; but tell me how you'll have it done, and you shall -find me _duc_tile. - -[Many opportunities will offer of making _obscene puns_, but I give no -rules for these; they come naturally to every punster! All I shall say -is, that they must _never_ be neglected.] - -Let your cook be famous for pancakes. One of your little boys must -inquire for some. - -_Mr. ----._ My dear, this is Sunday; you know we can't have pancakes till -_Fri_-day. - - [Many more puns must be introduced. _Champaign_, _real pain_; _after - all_ cheese is best, &c.] - -The company will, probably, add some, and you may, also, by accident; -however, you'll have this advantage over your friends, that you'll be -certain of all these while you're with your wife, and at home. Your -acquaintance, of course, have _names_, and if they have no other merit, -it's very hard if you can't make something of them in the pun way. Any -blockhead can do that. - - - DESSERT. - -_Mr. ----._ "Give every man his _deserts_." Shakspeare. - -_Mrs. ----._ My love, shall I send you a peach? - -_Mr. ----._ Yes, and if it isn't a good one, I'll im_peach_ your -judgment. - -By connivance with the Frenchman, he must offer you a pinch of Maccuba -snuff, saying he's sorry it is not better, but his Tonquin bean has lost -its flavour. You then reply--Ay, I see it's one of the _has_-beens. - -_Mrs. ----._ Oh! that's too bad. - -_Mr. ----._ Why, it's wit at a _pinch_, at any rate; therefore it need -not _make you baw--l_, as if I had got into the wrong _box_.--(_Turning -to the boys._)--What's Latin for goose, eh! - -_Boys._ Brandy, papa! - -_Mrs. ----._ You'll kill yourself with that vile liquor. - -_Mr. ----._ How can that be--Isn't it eau de _vie_? - -_Mrs. ----_, at some time, must call for the nutmeg grater.--You take it, -and address your neighbour: Sir, you are a great man, but here is a -_grater_. - -The sweetmeats will be praised of course. - -_Mr. ----._ All my wife's doing. Nancy's a notable woman, I assure you; -but I'm more _not able_ than she is, an't I, my dear? - - - _Ladies all rise._ - -_Mrs. ----._ (_Blushing._)--I can take a hint. My dear, pray touch the -bell. - -_Mr. ----._ (_Chucking a young lady under the chin._)--Yes, my love, I'll -touch the _belle_. - -_Mrs. ----._ (_Going._)--You wag! - -_Mr. ----._ No, I think you _wag_, but--(_bowing_)--I _bow_ to you. - -The ladies gone, the gentlemen need no instructions. They will all have -recourse to their _mother tongue_, and the most ignorant will shine the -most. The master must begin with half a dozen obscene puns, to make -himself agreeable, and the conversation general[32]. - -[32] Here I have run my pencil through several puns on the ladies' -retiring. Though he says it is unnecessary, _Swift_ could not help -indulging the natural bent of his genius, which is a strong proof of the -authenticity of the MS. An additional evidence appears in a query in a -memorandum made on the margin of this MS. for the puns for a _farmer_. -Some one, who has rye-fields, is to write to him--Pray send _me men to -mow rye_? and he is to return a skull. _Memento mori_--Don't you see? -But query--will _mowing_ rye do for any but _our Irish farmers_? - - - THE TEA TABLE. - -_Mr. ----._ (_Entering after all the rest._)--Ah! Mrs.----, what I see -you are _at home_ to a t to-night. - -_Boys._ Pa, we have had no tea. - -_Mr. ----._ "Sine _te_ juventas." That's wrong. It is _right_ that you -should not be _left_ out. - -_Mrs. ----_ purposely sends a dish of tea to a lady, without sugar, of -which she complains. - -_Mr. ----._ (_Handing the sugar basin._)--Well, ma'am, if you do not like -it, you may _lump_ it. - -[Miss Lucy plays on the piano-forte, but is to fail in her first -attempt.] - -_Mrs. ----._ (_As planned._)--That comes of playing at sight. - -_Mr. ----._ At _sight_! Why what the deuce would come if she was to shut -her eyes? - -If any thing like serious or sensible conversation should be introduced, -and there's no knowing what some dull fellow may not do, put an end to -it at once with a pun. If he talk of war, suppose he means the _Pun_-ic -war, and say that in your battles you are with Livy--"_Punc_tim magìs -quam coesim peto hostem." If he speak of the army, look archly at your -wife, and say you expect soon to have a son _in arms_, &c. Should he -mention the Prince of Wales, inquire, which is greater, the DOLPHIN _of -France_ or the _Prince of_ Wales? solving the question immediately with -Juvenal's - - "_Delphinis Balæna Britannica major._" - Than DOLPHINS greater is the BRITISH WHALE. - -Now something about going into _Bed_fordshire and the land of _Nod_ will -wind up what is commonly called a very pleasant day, full of wit, -humour, and repartee. I must not forget to observe, that, if you can add -any _practical jokes_, which lead to puns, and fall _at all short_ of -murder, the treat will be improved. - -Viz. Pinch a piece out of a man's arm, to say you did not know there was -any _harm_. Break his shin--that's _leg_-al. Pull away his chair[33] -when he is sitting down--you've _good ground_ for it. Run your head -against his--_two heads_ are better than one. Overturn the milk-jug on -him--then he's in the _milky way_. So with the urn--then he's in _hot -water_. When he hops about, say he seems in a _lame_-ntable way. Let the -boys knock the candle into some lady's lap--this you may call a -_wick_-ed thing, &c. &c. Intersperse these, with other such amiable -pleasantries as these, and all the fools (a commanding _majority_ in -every _assembly_ in the country), will shout for joy, extol your wit, -and applaud your ingenuity. - -[33] _Memorandum._ This joke is recommended, by the _surgeons_, for all -seasons; but, in my _system_, better arranged, it will be proper to -distinguish. In the _winter_, when the carpet's down, you are glad to -bring that affair on the _tapis_. In the _spring_, the _earth_ begins to -_bear_ every thing. In the _summer_, it's "summum jus," because it's -"_summa_ injuria," and the carpet being up, you give him _board_ with _a -deal_ of pleasure, that's _plain_: and in the _autumn_, you allude to -the _fall_. Besides, what does he do in a chair--all flesh is -_grass_--_hay_! - -[Illustration] - - - - - LONDON: -PRINTED BY THOMAS DAVISON, WHITEFRIARS. - - - - - CONTENTS. - - - Page - Dedication to the King, i - - A Word to the Witty and the Wise, iii - - Description of Frontispiece, vii - - Prolegomena on Punning, 1 - - Origin of Punning, 19 - - Art of Punning, by Swift and Sheridan, 23 - - Satire on Sheridan, by Dr. Tisdal, 68 - - Dying Speech of Tom Ashe, 72 - - A Pestilent Neighbour, 77 - - Punning Epistle on Money, 78 - - God's Revenge against Punning, by Dr. Arbuthnot, 79 - - The Birth of a Pun, 84 - - Antiquity of Puns, 85 - - Punning on Surnames, 86 - - Punning run mad, 90 - - Bashful on Punning, 93 - - Examples in Punning, 97 - - W.R. V--ana, 125 - - Norburyana, 129 - - Punning Epigrams, 143 - - The Punster's Court, 165 - - Puns for all Purposes, 166 - - A Punning Essay, 183 - - Every Man his own Punster, 190 - - - - - ILLUSTRATIONS. - - - Page - - 1. Vignette to Title--The Punster's Court - - 2. The Dance of Wit, v - - 3. Squibs and Crackers, a 5th of November scene, 1 - - 4. The Androgynos, or Jove's Pun, 19 - - 5. The Art of Punning, 23 - - 6. The Lord's Humbassador, 63 - - 7. The Dancing Punster, 70 - - 8. The Birth of a Pun, 84 - - 9. The Bashful Punster, 93 - - 10. The Magic of Punning, 96 - - 11. The Punster's Bowl, 97 - - 12. Lord Norbury and Court, 129 - - 13. The Sporting Punsters, 143 - - 14. Death of Poor Carlo, 164 - - 15. Gunpowder Wit, 166 - - 16. Tartani's Dream, 182 - -With Numerous Elegant Vignettes interspersed through the Work. - - - - - TRANSCRIBER'S NOTES - - -Except for obvious typos and printer errors, which have been corrected -without comment, the author's spelling, grammar, and use of punctuation -are retained as in the original publication, with the following -exceptions: - -Page 44. Change cremona to Cremona. - ... threw down a Cremona-fiddle with a ... - -Page 47. Change tory to Tory. - ... pretends to be a Tory, or ... - -Page 52. Correct typo. Change recal to recall. - ... you may recall a discourse ... - -Page 128. Opening quote added in the paragraph ending "_even a -major-ity_." - -Page 180. Correct typo. Change, to. - ... it is An-acre-on-tick. - -Due to the constraints of a plain text file, not every character could be -represented in this plain vanilla file. It is recommended that the reader -use the utf-8 or html versions of this text. 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