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diff --git a/40259-0.txt b/40259-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..85f6ae0 --- /dev/null +++ b/40259-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,10234 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 40259 *** + +Transcriber's Note: + + Inconsistent hyphenation and spelling in the original document have + been preserved. Obvious typographical errors have been corrected. + + Italic text is denoted by _underscores_. + + The following possible typographical errors were left uncorrected: + Page 173: "musical electicism" should possibly be "musical + eclecticism" + Page 228: "eflish mood" should possibly be "elfish mood" + Page 295: "Dunisnane" should possibly be "Dunsinane" + + + + + CHARLES AUCHESTER + + VOLUME II. + + [Illustration: MENDELSSOHN + FROM A SKETCH MADE IN HIS YOUTH.] + + + + + CHARLES AUCHESTER + + BY + ELIZABETH SHEPPARD + + _WITH AN INTRODUCTION AND NOTES_ + By GEORGE P. UPTON + + AUTHOR OF "THE STANDARD OPERAS," "STANDARD ORATORIOS," "STANDARD + CANTATAS," "STANDARD SYMPHONIES," "WOMAN IN MUSIC," ETC. + + In Two Volumes + + VOLUME II. + A. C. McCLURG AND COMPANY + CHICAGO + 1891 + + + + + COPYRIGHT, + BY A. C. MCCLURG AND CO. + A. D. 1891. + + + + +CHARLES AUCHESTER. + + + + +CHAPTER I. + + +Well, as if but yesterday, do I remember the morning I set out from +Lorbeerstadt for Cecilia. I had no friends yet with whom to +reconnoitre novel ground; I was quite solitary in my intentions, and +rather troubled with a vague melancholy, the sun being under cloud, +and I not having wished Aronach good-day. He was out in the town +fulfilling the duties of his scholastic pre-eminence, and I had vainly +sought him for an audience. He had surrendered me my violin when he +gave me the paper in his writing, and I also carried my certificate in +my hand. Of all my personal effects I took these only,--my bed and +bedding, my clothes and books having preceded me; or, at least, having +taken another form of flight. Iskar was to come also that time, but +did not intend to present himself until the evening. Aronach had also +forewarned me to take a coach, but I rather chose to walk, having +divine reminiscences upon that earthly road. + +With Starwood I had a grievous parting, not unallayed by hope on my +part, and I left him wiping his eyes,--an attention which deeply +affected me, though I did not cry myself. + +I shall never forget the singularly material aspect of things when I +arrived. Conventionalism is not so rampant in Germany as in England, +and courtesy is taught another creed. I think it would be impossible +to be anywhere more free, and yet this sudden liberty (like a sudden +light) did but at first serve to dazzle and distress me. Only half the +students had returned, and they, all knowing each other, or seeming to +do so, were standing in self-interested fraternities, broken by groups +and greeters, in one immense hall, or what appeared to me immense, and +therefore desolate. I came in through the open gates to the open +court; through the open court into the open entry and from that region +was drawn to the door of that very hall by the hollow multitudinous +echo that crept upon the stony solitude. It was as real to me a +solitude to enter that noble space; and I was more abashed than ever, +when, on looking round, I perceived none but males in all the company. +There was not even a picture of the patron saintess; but there _was_ a +picture, a dark empannelled portrait, high over the long +dining-tables. I concluded from the style that it was a representation +of one Gratianos, the Bachist, of whom I had once heard speak. + +The gentlemen in the hall were none of them full grown, and none +wonderfully handsome at first sight. But the manner of their +entertainment was truly edifying to me, who had not long been "out" in +any sense. They every one either had been smoking, were smoking, or +were about to smoke,--that is, most of them had pipes in their mouths, +or those who had them not in their mouths had just plucked them +therefrom, and were holding them in their hands, or those who had not +yet begun were preparing the apparatus. + +In a corner of the hall, which looked dismally devoid of furniture to +an English eye, there was a great exhibition of benches. There were +some upright, others kicking their feet in the air, but all packed so +as to take little space, and these were over and above the benches +that ran all round the hall. In this corner a cluster of individuals +had collected after a fashion that took my fancy in an instant, for +they had established themselves without reference to the primary use +and endowment of benches at all. Some sat on the legs thereof, +upturned, with their own feet at the reversed bottoms, and more than a +few were lying inside those reversed bottoms, with distended veins and +excited complexions, suggesting the notion that they were in the +enjoyment of plethoric slumber. To make a still further variation, one +bench was set on end and supported by the leaning figures of two +contemporaneous medalists; and on the summit of this bench, which also +rested against the wall, a third medalist was sitting, like an ape +upon the ledge of Gibraltar,--unlike an ape in this respect, that he +was talking with great solemnity, and also that he wore gloves, which +had once on a time been white. The rest were bareheaded, but all were +fitted out with mustachios, either real or fictitious, for I had my +doubts of the soft, dark tassels of the Stylites, as his own pate was +covered with hemp,--it cannot have been hair. Despite its +grotesqueness, this group, as I have said, attracted me, for there was +something in every one of the faces that set me at my ease, because +they appeared in earnest at their fun. + +I came up to them as I made out their composition, and they one and +all regarded me with calm, not malicious, indifference. They were very +boyish for young men, and very manly for young boys, certainly; and +remained, as to their respective ages, a mystery. The gentleman on the +pedestal did not even pause until he came to a proper climax,--for he +was delivering an oration,--and I arrived in time to hear the +sentence so significant: "So that all who in verity apply themselves +to science will find themselves as much at a loss without a body as +without a soul, for the animal property nourisheth and illustrateth +the spiritual, and the spiritual would be of no service without the +animal, any more than should the flame that eateth the wood burn in an +empty stove, or than the soup we have eaten for dinner should be soup +without the water that dissolved the component nutritives." + +Here he came to a full stop, and gazed upon me through sharp-shaped +orbs. Meantime I had drawn out my certificate and handed it up to him. +He took it between those streaky gloves, and having fixed a horn-set +glass into his one eye, shut up the other and perused the paper. I +don't know why I gave it to him in particular, except that he was very +high up, and had been speaking. But I had not done wrong, for he +finished by bowing to me with exceeding patronage. + +"One of us, I presume?" + +"Credentials!" groaned one who was, as I had supposed, asleep. But my +patron handed me very politely my envelope, and gravely returned to +the treatment of his theme,--whatever that might have been. Nobody +appeared to listen except his twain supporters, and they only seemed +attentive because they were thoroughly fumigated, and had their senses +under a spell. The rest began to yawn, to sneer, and to lift their +eyes, or rather the lids of them. I need scarcely say I felt very +absurd, and at last, on the utterance of an exceedingly ridiculous +peroration from the orator, I yielded at once to the impulse of +timidity, and began to laugh. The effect was of sympathetic magnetism. +Everybody whose lips were disengaged began to laugh too; and finally, +those very somnolent machines, that the benches propped, began to +stir, to open misty glances, and to grin like purgatorial saints. This +laugh grew a murmur, the murmur a roar, and finally the supporters +themselves, fairly shaking, became exhausted, staggered, and let the +pedestal glide slowly forwards. The theorist must certainly have +anticipated such a crisis, for he spread his arms and took a flying +jump from that summit, descending elegantly and conveniently as a cat +from a wall upon the boarded floor. + +"Schurke!"[1] said he to me, and held me up a threatening hand; but, +seized with a gleeful intention, I caught at it, and with one pull +dragged off his glove. The member thus exposed was evidently petted by +its head, for it was dainty and sleek, and also garnished with a +blazing ring; and he solemnly held it up to contemplate it, concluding +such performance by giving one fixed stare to each nail in particular. +Then he flew at me in a paroxysm of feigned fierceness; but I had +already flung the glove to the other end of the hall. The whole set +broke into a fresh laugh, and one said, "Thou mightest have sent it up +to the beard there, if thou hadst only thought of it." + +"Never too late, Mareschal!" cried another, as he made a stride to +fetch the glove, which, however, lay three or four strides off. He +gathered it up at last, crumpled it in his hand, and threw it high +against the wall. It just missed the picture though, and fell at the +feet of two perambulators arm-in-arm, one of whom stood upon the glove +till the other pushed him off, and gave the forlorn kidling a +tremendous kick that sent it farther than ever from the extempore +target. There was now a gathering and rush of a dozen towards it. +They tore it one from the other again; and, once more flinging it +high,--this time successfully,--it hit that panelled portrait just +upon the nose. A shout, half revengeful, half triumphant, echoed +through the hall; but the game was not at its height. + +"Gloves out, everybody!" cried several; and from all the pockets +present, as it seemed, issued a miscellaneous supply. Very innocently, +I gave up a pair of old wool ones that I happened to have with me; and +soon, very soon, a regular systematized pelting commenced of that +reverend representation in its recess. + +I am very sure I thought it all fun at first; and as there is nothing +I like so well as fun after music, I lent myself quite freely to the +sport. About fifty pairs of gloves were knotted and crumpled, pair by +pair, into balls, and whoever scrambled fastest secured the most. As +the unsuccessful shots fell back, they were caught by uplifted hands +and banged upwards with tenfold ardor, and no one was so ardent and +risibly dignified as the worthy of the pedestal. He behaved as if some +valuable stake were upon his every throw; and further, I observed that +after the game once began, nobody, except myself, laughed. It was, at +least, for half an hour that the banging, accompanied by a tremulous +hissing, continued. I myself laughed so much that I could not throw, +but I stood to watch the others. So high was the picture placed that +very few were the missiles to reach it; and such as touched the +time-seared canvas elicited an excitement I could neither realize nor +respond to. All at once it struck me as very singular they should pelt +that particular spot on the wall, and I instantly conjectured them to +be inimical to the subject of the delineation. I was just making up my +mind to inquire, when the great door hoarsely creaked, and a voice +was heard, quite in another key from the murmurous shout, to penetrate +my ear at that distance, so that I immediately responded,--"Has Carl +Auchester arrived?" + +There was no reply, nor any suspension of the performance on hand, +except on my part. But for me I turned, gladly, yet timorously, and +joined the speaker in a moment. He greeted me with what appeared to me +an overawing polish, though, in fact, it was but the result of +temperament not easily aroused. He was very slim and fair, and though +not tall, gave me the impression of one very much more my senior than +he really was. He held his arm as a kind of barrier between me and the +door until I was safely out of the hall; then said to me, in a tone of +chill but still remonstrance,-- + +"Why did you go in there? That was not a good beginning." + +"Sir," I replied, not stammered, for I felt my cause was good, "how +was I to know I ought not to go in there? It seemed quite the proper +place, with all those Cecilians about; and, besides, no one told me +where else to go. But if I did wrong, I won't go in there again, and I +certainly have not been harmed yet." + +"You must go there at times; it is there you will have to eat. But a +few who are really students hold aloof from the rest, who idle +whenever they are not strictly employed, as you have had reason to +notice. I was induced to come and look for you, of whom I should +otherwise have no knowledge, in obedience to the Chevalier Seraphael's +request that I should do so." + +"Did he really remember me in that manner? How good, how angelic!" I +cried. And yet I did not quite find my new companion charming; his +irresistible quiescence piqued me too much, though he was anything +but haughty. + +"Yes, he is good, and was certainly very good to bear in mind one so +young as you are; I hope you will reward his kindness. He gives us +great hopes of you." + +"Are you a professor, sir?" I asked, half afraid of my own impulse. + +"I am _your_ professor," he announced, with that same distance. "I am +first violin." + +I did not know whether I was pleased or sorry at that instant, for I +could detect no magnetic power that he possessed, and rather shrank +from contact with him at present. He led me up many stairs,--a side +staircase, quite new, built steeper and narrower than the principal +flight. He led me along thwart passages, and I beheld many doors and +windows too; for light and air both reigned in these regions, which +were fresh, and smelled of health. He led me into a chamber so +lengthened that it was almost a gallery, for it was very high besides. +Here he paused to exhibit a suite of prophets' chambers, one after the +other completely to the end; for in every division was a little bed, a +bench, and washing-table, with a closet closed by hasps of wood. The +uniform arrangement struck me as monotonous, but academical. My guide, +for the first time, smiled, but very slightly, and explained,-- + +"This is my division,--_les petits violons_, you know, Auchester; you +may see the numbers on every alcove. And here you practise, except +when met in class or at lecture. Your number is 13, and you are very +nearly in the middle. See, you have a curtain to draw before your bed, +and in this closet there is a box for books, as well as a niche for +your instrument, and abundant room for clothes, unless you bring more +than you can possibly want. The portmanteau and chest, which were +brought this morning, you may keep here, if you please, as well." + +I did not thank him, for I was pre-occupied with an infernal +suggestion to my brain, which I revealed in my utter terror. + +"Oh, sir, do we all practise together, then? What a horrible noise! +and how impossible to do anything so! I can't, I know!" + +Another half-smile curled the slender brown moustache. + +"It was indeed so in the times I can still remember. But see how much +more than you can own you are indebted to this Chevalier Seraphael!" + +He walked to the wall opposite the alcove, and laying hold of a brass +ring I had not noticed, drew out a long slide of wood, very thick and +strong, which shut one in from side to side. + +"There is such a one to every bed," continued he; "and if you draw +them on either hand, you will hear nothing, at least nothing to +disturb you. Come away now; I have not much time to spare, and must +leave you elsewhere." + +He led me from the chambers, and down the stairs again, and here and +there, so that I heard an organ playing in one region, and voices that +blended again to another idea; and then all was stillness, except the +rustle of his gown. But before I could make up my mind to approve or +criticise the arrangements which struck me on every hand, I found +myself in another room,--this vaulted, and inspiring as nothing I had +met with in that place. How exquisite was the radiant gloom that here +pervaded within, as within a temple; for the sunshine pierced through +little windows of brown and amber, and came down in wavering dusky +brightness on parchment hues and vellum, morocco, and ruddy gold. Here +a thick matting returned no footfall; and although the space was +small, and very crowded too, yet it had an air of vastness, from the +elevated concave of the roof. Benches were before each bookcase, that +presented its treasury of dread tomes and gigantic scores; also +reading-desks; and besides such furniture, there were the quaintest +little stalls between each set of shelves,--shrine-like niches one +could just sit in, or even at pleasure lie along; for seats were in +them of darkest polished wood. Some were already occupied, and their +occupants were profoundly quiet,--perhaps studying, perhaps asleep. + +"Here," observed my guide, "you are only allowed to come and remain in +silence. If one word be spoken in the library, expulsion of the +speaker follows. The book-keeper sits out there," pointing to an +erection like a watch-box, "and hears, and is to observe all. You may +use any book in this place, but never carry it away; and if required +for quotation as well as for reference, you may here make your +extracts, but never elsewhere. There are ink-bottles in every desk. +And if you take my advice, you will remain here until the supper-bell; +for while here, you will at least be out of mischief. We are not +to-day in full routine; but that makes it the more dangerous to be at +large." + +"Will you set me some task, then, sir? I do want something to be at." + +He seemed only to sneer at such a desire. "Nonsense! there is enough +for to-day in mastering all those names;" and he took down a catalogue +and handed it to me. + +I ran into one of those dear, dark recesses, and there he left me. + +When he had gone, I did not open my book for a time. I was in a highly +wrought mood, which was induced by that sombre-tinted, struggling +sunshine, whose beams played high in the ceiling, like fireflies in a +cedar shade, so fretted and so far. It was delicious as a dream to be +safe and solitary in that dim palace of futurity, whose vistas +stretched before me into everlasting lengths of light. I read not for +a long, long hour; and when I did open my book (itself no mean volume +as to size), I was bewildered and bedimmed by a swarm of names, both +of works and authors, I had never heard of,--Huygens, Martini, Euler, +Pfeiffer, and Marpurg alone meeting me as distant acquaintances, and +Cherubini as a dear old friend. + +This was, in fact, a _catalogue raisonné_, and I was not in a very +rational mood. I therefore shut the book, and began to pace the +library. It is extraordinary how intense is the power of application +in the case of those who are apprenticed to a master they can worship +as well as serve. I thought so then. Nothing could divert the +attention of those supine students in the recesses, nor of the scribes +at the desks. I went quite close to many of them, and could have +looked into their eyes, but that they were, for the most part, closed; +and I should have accused them of being asleep but that their lips +were moving, and I knew they were learning by heart. Great +black-letter was the characteristic of one huge volume I stayed to +examine as it lay upon a desk, and he who sat before it had a face +sweeter than any present, sensible as interesting; and I did not fear +him, though his eyes were wide open and alert. He was making copious +extracts, and as I peeped between the pages he held by his thumb and +a slight forefinger, he observed me and gave me a smile, at the same +time turning back the title-page for my inspection. That was encircled +by a wreath of cherubs' faces for flowers, and musical instruments for +leaves, old and droll as the title, "Caspar Bartholin, his Treatise on +the Wind Music of the Ancients." + +I smiled then, and nodded, to express my thanks; but a moment +afterwards he wrote for me, on a sheet in his blotting-case, which he +carried with him,-- + +"We may write, though we may not speak. Are you just arrived?" + +He handed me the pen to answer, and I wrote: "Only an hour or two ago; +and I got into a scrape directly. I am Carl Auchester, from England; +but I am not English. What is your name?" + +He smiled warmly as he read, and thus our correspondence proceeded: +"Franz Delemann. What was your scrape? I wonder you had one, now I +know your name." + +"Why?" I replied. "There is no reason why I should keep clear any more +than another; but I went into the great hall, where so many of them +were about, and they made a great noise, for they were pelting the +picture that is on the wall; and while I was helping them, just for +fun, the gentleman who brought me in here fetched me out, and said it +was a bad beginning." + +"That was his way of putting it," resumed my new associate. "He is +very matter-of-fact, that Anastase, but I know what he meant. We are a +very small party, and the rest persecute us. They would have been glad +to get you over to their side, because it would have been such a +triumph for them,--coming first, as you did come." + +Oh! how I did scribble in response. "I have not an idea what you mean. +Pray tell me quickly." + +"The Chevalier Seraphael took the place here of somebody very unlike +him. I thought the Cerinthias had told you." + +"The what?" + +"The Fräulein who came in with you the day of the concert, who came to +the pavilion with Seraphael and yourself, was one of the Cerinthias. I +thought, of course, you knew all; for her words are better than any +one's, and you had been together,--so she told me afterwards." + +"Is she Cerinthia? What a queer name!" + +"They are a queer set, though I don't suppose there ever was such a +set. The brother and the two sisters appear to possess every natural +gift among them. The father was a great singer and celebrated master, +but not a German. He came here to secure their education in a certain +style, and just as he got here, he died. Then the brother, though they +had not a penny among them all, made way by his extraordinary talent; +and as he could play on any instrument, he was admitted to the second +place in the band, and his sister was taken upon the foundation. +Milans-André made a great deal of their being here, though it was +perfectly natural, _I_ think. The youngest had been put out to nurse, +and kept in some province of France until old enough to be admitted +also; but then something happened which changed that notion. For when +Seraphael took the place of Milans-André, he had every arrangement +investigated, that he might improve to the utmost; and it was +discovered--after this fashion--that this Maria Cerinthia had been +allowed to occupy a room which was inferior to all the others. I think +the rain came in, but I am not sure of that,--I only know it was out +of the way and wretched. Seraphael was exceedingly vexed, almost in a +passion, but turned it into amusement, as he does so often before +others when he is serious at heart. He had the room turned into what +it was just fit for,--a closet for fagots. + +"Then this proud Cerinthia--the brother, I mean, whose name, by the +way, is Joseph--took offence himself; and declaring no arrangement +should be altered on account of his sister, took her away, and had a +lodging in the village instead. She comes here every day at the same +time, and is what we call an out-Cecilian,--never staying to meals or +to sleep, that is. Seraphael took no notice; and I was rather +surprised to discover that he has been to see them several +times,--because, you see, I thought _he_ was proud in his way to have +his generosity rejected." + +"Does he like them so very much, then?" + +"He ought." + +Now, I wanted to be very angry at the intimation, but my informant had +too expressive a face; so I merely added, "They are then very +wonderful?" + +"They are all wonderful, and the little one, who is not quite eight +years old (for she has come to live with them since they lived alone), +is a prodigy, but not beautiful, like the one you saw." + +"_She_ is, I suppose, the cleverest in all the house?" + +"She must be so; but is so very quiet one does not hear about her, +except at the close of the semester, when she carries off the +medals,--for everything of the best belongs to her. She is a vocalist, +and studies, of course, in the other wing; we never meet the ladies, +you know, except in public." + +"Oh! of course not. Now, do tell me what you mean about the two +parties." + +"I mean that when Milans-André went away no one knew how much mischief +he had done. His whole system was against Bach, and this is properly a +school for Bach. He could not eradicate the foundation, and he could +not confess his dislike against our master in so many words. The only +thing was to introduce quite a new style, or I am sure it might be +called 'school,' for he has written such an immense deal. It was an +opera of his, performed in this town, that at once did for him as far +as those were concerned whom he had deceived, and that determined us +not to submit ourselves any longer. He was becoming so unpopular that +he was too happy to resign. Still, he left a number for himself behind +him greater than those who had risen against him." + +"Tell me about that opera, pray. You write interesting letters, sir." + +"I have interesting matter, truly. The opera was called 'Emancipation; +or, the Modern Orpheus.' The overture took in almost all of us, it was +so well put together; but I fancy you would not have approved of it, +somehow. The theatre here is very small, and was quite filled by our +own selves and a few artists,--not one amateur, for it was produced in +rehearsal. The scenery was very good, the story rambling and fiendish; +but we thought it fairy-like. There was a perfect hit in the hero, who +was a monstrous fiddle-player, to represent whom he had Paganini, as +he had not to speak a word. The heroines, who were three in number, +were a sort of musical nuns, young ladies dedicated to the art; but +they, first one, then another, fell in with the fiddler, and finding +him, became enamoured of him. He condescends to listen to the first +while she sings, or rather he comes upon her as she is singing the +coolest of all Bach's solos in the coolest possible style. He waits +till the end with commendable patience, and then, amidst infernal +gesticulations, places before her a cantata of his own, which is +something tremendous when accompanied by the orchestra. The contrasted +style, with the artful florid instrumentation, produces rapture, and +is really an _effect_, though I do not say of what kind. The next +heroine he treats to a grand scena, in which the violin is absolutely +made to speak; and as it was carried through by Paganini, you may +conjecture it was rather bewitching. The last lady he bears off +fairly, and they converse in an outlandish duet between the voice of +the lady and the violin. I can give you no outline of the plan, for +there is no plot that I could find afterwards, but merely the heads of +each part. Next comes a tumble-down church, dusty, dark, repelling to +the idea from the beginning; and you are aware of the Lutheran service +which is being droned through as we are not very likely to hear it, in +fact. By magic the scene dissolves; colored lights break from tapering +windows; arches rise and glitter like rainbows; altar-candles blaze +and tremble; crimson velvet and rustling satin fill the Gothic stalls +on either side; and while you are trying to gather in the picture, the +Stabat Mater bursts out in strains about as much like weeping as all +the mummery is like music. + +"The last scene of all is a kind of temple where priests and +priestesses glide in spangled draperies, while the hierarch is hidden +behind a curtain. Busts and statues, that I suppose are intended for +certain masters, but whom it is not very easy to identify, as they are +ill fashioned and ill grouped, are placed in surrounding shrines. At +strains for signs from that curtained chief, the old heads and figures +are prostrated from the pedestals, the ruins are swept aside by some +utilitarian angel, and the finale consists in a great rush of +individuals masked, who crown the newly inaugurated statue of the +elevated Orpheus, and then dance around him to the ballet music, which +is accompanied by the chorus also, who sing his praise. + +"It was very exciting while it went on,--as exciting to see as it is +absurd to remember; and there was nothing for it but applause upon the +spot. When the curtain fell, and we were crushing and pressing to get +out, having been hardly able to wake ourselves up, and yet feeling the +want that succeeds enjoyment or excitement that goes no further,--you +know how,--one chord sounded behind the curtain from one instrument +within the orchestra. It arrested us most curiously; it was mystical, +as we call it, though so simple: enough to say that under those +circumstances it seemed a sound from another sphere. It continued and +spread,--it was the People's Song you heard the day you first came to +us. It was once played through without vocal illustration, but we all +knew the words, and began to sing them. + +"We were singing still in a strange sort of roar I can't describe to +you, when the music failed, and the curtain was raised on one side. +He--Seraphael, whom we knew not then--stood before us for the first +time. You know how small he is: as he stood there he looked like a +child of royal blood, his head quite turned me, it was so beautiful; +and we all stood with open mouths to see him, hoping to hear him +speak. He spread out those peculiar hands of his, and said, in his +sweet, clear voice: 'That song, oh ladies and gentlemen, which you +have shown you love so well, is very old, and you do not seem to be +aware that it is so, nor of its author. Who wrote it, made it for us, +think you?' + +"His beauty and his soft, commanding voice had just the effect you +will imagine,--everybody obeyed him. One and another exclaimed, +'Hasse!' 'Vogler!' 'Hegel!' 'Storace!' 'Weber!' But it was clear the +point had not been contested. Then he folded his arms together and +laid them on his breast, with a very low bow that brought all the hair +into his eyes. Then he shook back the curls and laughed. + +"'It is _Bach_, my dear and revered Sebastian Bach,--of all the Bachs +alone _the_ Bach; though indeed to any one Bach, one of us present is +not fit to hold a candle. You do not love Bach,--I do. You do not +reverence him,--he is in my religion. You do not understand him,--I am +very intimate with him. If you knew him, you too would love and +worship and desire of him to know more and more. Ladies and gentlemen, +you are all just. He has no one to take his part, as has your +nondescript modern Orpheus. I shall give a lecture on Bach in this +theatre to-morrow evening. Everybody comes in free. Only come!' + +"Who could refuse him? Who could have refused him as he stood there, +and flying behind the curtain, peeped again between the folds of it +and bowed? Besides, there was a strong curiosity at work,--a curiosity +of which many were ashamed. Do I tire you?" + +"More likely yourself. Do finish about the lecture." + +"The supper-bell will be soon ringing, and will shake the story out of +me, so I must make haste. I can tell it you properly some time. The +next evening there was such a crowd at the door that they kicked it +in, and stood listening outside. The curtain was done away with, and +we never could make out how that organ came there which towered +behind; but there it stood, and a pianoforte in front. The Chevalier +appeared dressed in black, with nothing in his arms but a heap of +programmes, written in his own hand, which he distributed himself, for +he had no assistant. You know that Forkel has written a life of Bach? +Well, I have since read this, and have been puzzled to find how such a +poem as we listened to could have sprung from the prose of those dry +memoirs. The voice was enough, if it had not said what it did say,--so +delicious a voice to hear that no one stirred for fear of losing it. + +"I cannot give you the slightest outline; but I have never read any +romance so brilliant, nor any philosophy that I could so take into +myself. The illustrations were fugue upon fugue. Oh, to hear that +organ with its grand interpretations, and the silver voice between! +and study upon study for the harpsichord that from the new pianoforte +seemed to breathe its old excitement--chorale upon chorale--until, +with that song restored to its own proper form, it ended,--I mean, the +lecture. I cannot say, though, about the ending, for I was obliged to +leave before it was over; the clear intellect was too much for me, and +the genius knocked me down. Many others left upon my very heels; but +those who stayed seemed hardly to recall a word that had been said. +All were so impressed, for that night, at least, that I can remember +nothing to compare with it, except the descriptions in your English +divinity books of the revivals in religion of your country. The next +day, however, the scoffers found their tongues again, and only we to +whom the whole affair had appeared on the occasion itself a dream, +awoke to a reality that has never left us. We have not been the same +since, and that is one reason we were so anxious you should be one +with the students of Bach even before you knew what you must +profess." + +"Oh! I come from a good school, for Aronach is full of Bach. But do +tell me about the others." + +"The Andréites, as they call themselves, are not precisely inimical to +Seraphael,--that would be impossible, he is so companionable, so free +and truly great; but they, one and all, slight Bach, and as some of +them are professors, and we all study under the professor of our voice +or instrument in particular, it is a pity for the fresh comers to fall +into the wrong set." + +"But I am safe, at least, for I am certain that Anastase is of the +right school." + +"The very best; he is a Seraphaelite. They call us Seraphaelites, and +we like it; but Seraphael does not like it, so we only use the word +now for parole,--Bruderschaft."[2] + +"Why, I wonder, does he not like it?" + +"Because he is too well bred." + +Oh, how I enjoyed that expression! It reminded me of Lenhart Davy and +his sayings. I was just going to intrude another question when my +intention was snapped by the ringing of the bell, which made a most +imposing noise. The sound caused a sudden rush and rustle through the +library; gowned and ungowned figures forsook the nooks and benches, +and they each and all put by their books as deftly, dexterously as +Millicent used to lay her thimble into her work-box when she was a wee +maiden. They did not stare at me at all, which was very satisfactory; +and I found occasion to admire all their faces. I told my companion +so, and he laughed, rubbing his eyes and stretching; then he put his +arm about my neck in strict fraternal fashion, which gratified me +exceedingly, and not the less because he was evidently by several +years my elder. We left the library together, and right rejoiced was +I to hear myself speak again; the first thing that occurred to me to +say, I said: "Oh! I wanted so much to know what is your instrument." + +"I don't think I shall tell you," he replied, in a guileless voice, +interesting as his behavior and language. + +"Why not? I must know it at last, must I not?" + +"Perhaps you will not think so well of me, when you know what I exist +for." + +"That would make no difference, for every instrument is as great with +reference to others as some are in themselves." + +"Seraphael could not have put it better. I play the trombone. It is a +great sacrifice at present." + +"But," I returned, "I have not heard the instrument,--is it not a +splendid sort of trumpet? You mean it is not good for solos?" + +"It is quite to itself,--a mere abstraction considered by itself; but +to the orchestra what red is to the rainbow." + +"I know who said that. He puts brass last, I see." + +"Oh, you are a thief! You know everything already. Yes, he does put +the violet first." + +"The violin? Yes, so he called it to me; but I did not know he was +fond of calling it so." + +"It is one of his theories. It was, however, one day after he had been +expounding it to a few of us who were fortunate enough to be present, +when he was glancing through the class-rooms, that he put up his +hands, and in his bright way, you know, scattering your reasoning +faculties like a burst of sunshine, said, 'Oh, you must not entertain +a word I have said to you,--it is only to be dreamed.'" + +"What did he say? What had he said? Do, pray, out with it, or I cannot +eat, I am sure." + +We were just outside the hall doorway now; within were light and a +hundred voices mingled. Into the dusk he gave his own, and I took it +safely home in silence. + +"His theory,--oh, it was in this way! Strings first, of course, +violet, indigo, blue,--violin, violoncello, double-bass,--upon these +you repose; the vault is quite perfect. Green, the many-sounded kinds +of wood, spring-hued flutes, deeper, yet softer, clarinetti, bassoons +the darkest tone, not to be surpassed in its shade,--another vault. +The brass, of course, is yellow; and if the horns suggest the paler +dazzle, the trumpets take the golden orange, and the red is left for +the trombones,--vivid, or dun and dusk."[3] + +"Oh, my goodness! I don't wonder he said it was a dream!" + +"It certainly would be dangerous to think of it in any other light!" + +"And you a German!" I cried. "Did you think I meant it?" + +"You would mean it," he retorted, "if you knew what lip-distorting +and ear-distracting work it is practising this same trombone." + +"But what is your reason, then, for choosing it, when you might choose +_mine_?" + +"Do you not know that Seraphael has written as no one else for the +trombone? And he was heard to sigh, and to say, 'I shall never find +any one to play these passages!'" + +"Oh, Delemann! and that was the reason you took it up? How I love you +for it!" + +FOOTNOTES: + +[1] Wretch. + +[2] Brotherhood. + +[3] The theory of the correspondence of tones and colors is an old +one. Gardner, in his "Music of Nature," traces it in the following +manner, which will be interesting as contrasted with the above:-- + +WIND INSTRUMENTS. + + Trombone--deep red. + Trumpet--scarlet. + Clarinet--orange. + Oboe--yellow. + Bassoon--deep yellow. + Flute--sky blue. + Diapason--deeper blue. + Double diapason--purple. + Horn--violet. + +STRINGED INSTRUMENTS. + + Violin--pink. + Viola--rose. + Violoncello--red. + Double-bass--crimson. + +Laura Bridgman, the blind and deaf mute, it will be remembered, +likened the tone of the trumpet to scarlet. + + + + +CHAPTER II. + + +All lives have their prose translation as well as their ideal meaning; +how seldom _this_ escapes in language worthy, while _that_ tells best +in words. I was a good deal exhausted for several days after I entered +the school, and saw very little except my own stuntedness and +deficiency in the mirror of contemplation. For Anastase took me to +himself awfully the first morning, all alone; examined me, tortured +me, made me blush and hesitate and groan; bade me be humble and +industrious; told me I was not so forward as I might be; drenched me +with medicinal advices that lowered my mental system; and, finally, +left me in possession of a minikin edition of what I had conceived +myself the day before, but which he deprived me of at present, if not +annihilated forever. + +It was doubtless a very good thing to go back to the beginning, if he +intended to re-create me; but it happened that such transmutation +could not take place twice, and it had already occurred once. Still, I +was absolved from obvious discomfiture to the regenerator by my silent +adaptations to his behavior. + +That which would assuredly become a penance to the physique in dark or +wintry weather, remained still a charming matutinal romance; namely, +that we all rose at four o'clock, except any one who might be +delicate, and that we practised a couple of hours before we got +anything to eat,--I mean formally, for, in fact, we almost all +smuggled into our compartments wherewithal to keep off the natural, +which might not amalgamate with the spiritual, constraining appetite. +Those early mornings were ineffaceably effective for me; I advanced +more according to my desires than I had ever advanced before, and I +laid up a significant store of cool, sequestered memories. I could, +however, scarcely realize my own existence under these circumstances, +until the questioner within me was subdued to "contemplation" by my +first "adventure." + +I had been a week in durance, if not vile, very void, for I had seen +nothing of the Cerinthias nor of their interesting young advocate, +except at table,--though certainly on these latter occasions we +surfeited ourselves with talk that whetted my curiosity to a double +edge. On the first Sunday, however, I laid hold of him coming out of +church, when we had fulfilled our darling duties in the choir,--for +the choir of our little perfect temple, oak-shaded and sunlit, was +composed entirely of Cecilians, and I have not time in this place to +dilate upon its force and fulness. Delemann responded joyously to my +welcome; and when I asked him what was to be our task on Sunday, he +answered that the rest of the day was our own, and that if I pleased +we would go together and call upon that Maria and her little sister, +of whom I knew all that could be gained out of personal intercourse. + +"Just what I wished," said I; "how exactly you guessed it!" + +"Oh, but I wanted to go myself!" answered Franz, laughing, "for I have +an errand thither;" and together we quitted the church garden, with +its sheltering lime shadow, for the sultry pavement. + +It cannot have been five minutes that we walked, before we came in +front of one of those narrowest and tallest of the droll abodes I was +pretty well used to now, since I had lived with Aronach. We went +upstairs, too, in like style to that of the old apprentice home, and +even as there, did not rest until nearly at the top. Delemann knocked +at a door, and, as if perfectly accustomed to do so, walked in without +delay. The room we entered was slightly furnished, but singularly in +keeping with each other were the few ornaments, unsurpassably +effective. Also a light clearness threw up and out each decoration +from the delicate hue of the walls and the mild fresco of their +borders, unlike anything I had yet seen, and startling, in spite of +the simplicity of the actual accommodations, from their excelling +taste. Upon brackets stood busts, three or four, and a single vase of +such form that it could only have been purchased in Italy. At the +window were a couch and reading-desk, also a table ready prepared with +some kind of noonday meal; and at the opposite end of the apartment +rose from the polished floor the stove itself, entirely concealed +under lime-branches and oak-leaves. The room, too, was not untenanted, +for upon the couch, though making no use whatever of the desk, lay a +gentleman, who was reading, nevertheless, a French newspaper. He was +very fine,--grand-looking, I thought; his dress appeared courtly, so +courtly was his greeting. "You have not come for me, I know," he +observed to Delemann, having seated us; "but the girls, having dined, +are gone to rest: we don't find it easy to dispense with our siesta. +You will surely eat first, for you must be hungry, and I am but just +come in." He was, in fact, waiting for the soup, which swiftly +followed us; and so we sat down together. Franz then produced a little +basket, which I had noticed him to carry very carefully as we came +along; but he did not open it, he placed it by his side upon the +table. It was covered, and the cover was tied down with green ribbon. +I was instantly smitten curious; but a great stay to my curiosity was +the deportment of our host. I had seen a good many musicians by this +time, and found them every one the alone civilized and polished of the +human race; but there were evidences of supremacy in a few that I +detected not even in the superior many. Some had enthralled me more +than this young Cerinthia for I now know he was young, though at that +time he appeared extremely my elder, and I could have believed him +even aged; but there was about him an unassuming nobility that bespoke +the highest of all educations,--that according to the preparations and +purposes of nature. He seemed to live rationally, and I believe he +did, though he was not to the immediate perception large-hearted. He +ate, himself, with the frugality of Ausonia, but pressed us with +cordial attention; and for me, I enjoyed my dinner immensely, though I +had not come there to eat. Franz did not talk to him about his +sisters, as I should have perhaps wished, and I dared not mention +them, for there was that in Cerinthia's hazy, lustrous eyes that made +me afraid to be as audacious as my disposition permitted. Presently, +while we were drinking to each other, I heard little steps in the +passage; and as I expected an apparition, I was not surprised when +there entered upon those light feet a little girl, who, the first +moment reminded me of Laura, but not the next, for her face was unlike +as my own. She was very young, indeed, but had a countenance unusually +formed, though the head was infantine,--like enough to our entertainer +to belong to him, like as to delicacy of extremities and emerald +darkness of eye. She wore a short white frock and two beautiful plaits +of thick bright hair kept and dressed like that of a princess. She +took no notice of me, but courtesyed to Delemann with an alien air +most strange to me, and then ran past him to her brother, whom she +freely caressed, at the same time, as it were, to hide her face. "Look +up! my shy Josephine," said he, "and make another courtesy to that +young gentleman, who is a great friend and connoisseur of the +Chevalier Seraphael." Josephine looked back at me from beneath her +heavy eyelashes, but still did not approach. Then I said, "How is your +sister, Miss Josephine? I am only a little friend of the +Chevalier,--she is the great one." + +"I know," replied she, in a sage child's voice, then looking up at her +brother, "Maria is tired, and will not come in here, Joseph." + +"She is lying down, then?" + +"No, she is brushing her hair." We all laughed at this. + +"But run to tell her that Franz Delemann is here, and Carl Auchester +with him; or if you cannot remember this name, Delemann's alone will +do." + +"But she knows, for we heard them come in, and she said she should +stay in her room; but that if Mr. Delemann had a letter for her I +might carry it there." + +"I don't know whether there is a letter in here, Josephine, but this +basket came for her." + +"How pretty!" said Josephine; and she stretched her tiny hand, a smile +just shining over her face that reminded me of her beautiful sister. I +saw she was anxious to possess herself of it, but I could not resist +my own desire to be the bearer. + +"Let me take it to her!" I exclaimed impulsively. Cerinthia looked up, +and Franz, too, surprised enough; but I did not care, I rose. "She can +send me back again, if she is angry," I pleaded; and Cerinthia fairly +laughed. + +"Oh, you may go! She will not send you back, though I should certainly +be sent back if _I_ took such a liberty." + +"Neither would she admit me," said Delemann. + +"Why, you came last Sunday," put in little Josephine and then she +looked at me, with one little finger to her lip. + +"Come too!" + +So we went, she springing before me to a door which she left ajar as +she entered, while I discreetly remained outside. + +"May he come, Maria?" I heard her say; and then I heard that other +voice. + +"Who, dear little Josephine,--which of them?" + +"The little boy." + +"The little boy!" she gave a kind of bright cry, and herself came to +the door. She opened it, and standing yet there, said, with the +loveliest manner, "You will not quarrel with this little thing! But +forgive her, and pray come in. It was kind to come all the way up +those stairs, which are steep as the road to fame." + +"Is that steep?" I asked, for her style instantly excited me to a +rallying mood. + +"Some say so," she replied,--"those who seek it. But come and rest." +And she led me by her flower-soft finger-tips to a sofa, also in the +light, as in the room I had quitted, and bathed in airs that floated +above the gardens, and downwards from the heavens into that window +also open. A curtain was drawn across the alcove at the end, and +between us and its folds of green, standing out most gracefully, was a +beautiful harp; there were also more books than I had seen in a +sitting-room since I left my Davy, and I concluded they had been +retrieved from her lost father's library. But upon the whole room +there was an atmosphere thrown neither from the gleaming harp nor +illustrating volumes; and as my eyes rested upon her, after roving +everywhere else, I could only wonder I had ever looked away. Her very +dress was such as would have become no other, and was that which she +herself invested with its charm. She wore a dark-blue muslin, darker +than the summer heaven, but of the self-same hue; this robe was worn +loosely, was laced in front over a white bodice. Upon those folds was +flung a shawl of some dense rose-color and an oriental texture, and +again over that shady brilliance fell the long hair, velvet-soft, and +darker than the pine-trees in the twilight. The same unearthly hue +slept in the azure-emerald of her divinely moulded eyes, mild and +liquid as orbed stars, and just as superhuman. The hair, thus +loosened, swept over her shoulder into her lap. There was not upon its +stream the merest ripple,--it was straight as long; and had it not +been so fine, must have wearied with its weight a head so small as +hers. + +"What magnificent hair you have!" said I. + +"It seems I was determined to make of it a spectacle. If I had known +you were coming, I should have put it out of the way; but whenever I +am lazy or tired, I like to play with it. The Chevalier calls it my +rosary." + +I was at home directly. + +"The Chevalier! Oh! have you seen him since that day?" + +"Four, five, six times." + +"And I have not seen him once." + +"You shall see him eight, nine, ten times. Never mind! He comes to see +me, you know, out of that kindness whose prettiest name is charity." + +"Where is he now?" I inquired, impatient of that remark of hers. + +"Now? I do not know. He has been away a fortnight, conducting +everywhere. Have you not heard?" + +"No,--what?" + +"Of the Mer de Glace overture and accompaniments?" + +"I have not heard a word." + +She took hold of her hair and stroked it impatiently; still, there was +such sweetness in her accent as made me doubt she was angry. + +"I told Florimond to tell you. He always forgets those things!" + +I looked up inquiringly; there was that in her eye which might be the +light of an unfallen tear. + +"But I don't know who you mean." + +"I am glad not. How silly I am! Oh, _madre mia_! this hot weather +softens the brain, I do believe,--I should never have done it in the +winter. And all this time I have been wondering what is that basket +upon which Josephine seems to have set her whole soul." + +"It is for you," said Josephine. + +"Oh," I exclaimed, "how careless I am! Yes, but I do not know who it +comes from. Franz brought it." + +"Young Delemann? Oh, thank him, please! I know very well. Here, then, +_piccola, carina_! you shall have to open it. Where are the ivory +scissors?" + +"Oh, how exquisite!" I cried; for I knew she meant those tiny fingers. + +"Exquisite, is it? It is again from the Chevalier." + +"Did he say so? I thought it like him; but you are so like him." + +"I well, I believe you are right,--there is a kind of likeness." + +She raised her eyes, so full of lustre, that I even longed for the +lids to fall. The brilliant smile, like the most ardent sunlight, had +spread over her whole face. I forgot her strange words in her +unimaginable expression, until she spoke again. All this while the +little one was untwisting the green bands which were passed over and +under the basket. At length the cover was lifted: there were seven or +eight immense peaches. I had thought there must be fruit within, from +the exhaling scent, but still I was surprised. There was no letter. +This disappointed me; but there were fresh leaves at the very bottom. +My chief companion took out these, and laid each peach upon a leaf: +her fingers shone against the downy blush. She presented me with one +after another. "Pray eat them, or as many as you can; I do not eat +fruit to-day, for it is too hot weather, and _she_ must not eat so +many." I instantly began to eat, and made efforts to do even more than +I ought. Josephine carried off her share on a doll's plate. Then her +sister rose and took in a birdcage from outside the window, where it +had hung, but I had not seen it. There was within it a small bird, and +dull enough it looked until she opened the door, when it fluttered to +the bars, hopped out, stood upon a peach, and then, espying me, flew +straight into her bosom. It lay there hidden for some minutes, and she +covered and quite concealed it with her lovely little hand. I said,-- + +"Is it afraid of me? Shall I go?" + +"Oh dear no!" she replied; "it does like you, and is only shy. Do you +never wish to be hidden when you see those you like?" + +"I never have yet, but I daresay I shall, now I come to think about +it." + +"You certainly will. This silly little creature is not yet quite sure +of us; that is it." + +"Where did it come from?" + +"It came from under the rye-stacks. He--that is always the Chevalier, +you know--was walking through the rye-fields when the moon was up; the +reapers had all gone home. He heard a small cry withering under the +wheat, and stayed to listen. Most men would not have heard such a weak +cry; no man would have stayed to listen, except one, perhaps, besides. +He put aside all the loose ears, and he found under them--for it could +not move--this wretched lark, with its foot broken,--broken by the +sickle." + +There was no quiver of voice or lip as she spoke. I mention this +merely because I am not fond of the mere sentiment almost all women +infuse into the sufferings of inferior creatures, while those with +loftier claims and pains are overlooked. She went on,-- + +"How do you think he took it up? He spread his handkerchief over the +stubble, and shelled a grain or two, which he placed within reach of +the lark upon the white table-cloth. The lark tried very hard, and +hopped with its best foot to reach the grains, then he drew the four +corners together, and brought it here to me. I thought it would die, +but it has not died; and now it knows me, and has no mind to go away." + +"Does it know him?" + +"Not only so, but for him alone will it sing. I let it fly one day +when its foot was well; but the next morning I found it outside the +window pecking at its cage-wires, and it said, 'Take me back again, if +you please.'" + +"That is like the Chevalier too. But you _are_ like him; I suppose it +is being so much with him." + +"And yet I never saw him till the first day I saw you, and you had +seen him long before. I think it must be dead, it is so still." + +Hereupon she uncovered the lark's head; it peeped up, and slowly, with +sly scrutiny, hopped back to the peach and began to feed, driving in +its little bill. I wanted to know something now, and my curiosity in +those days had not so much as received a wholesome check, much less a +quietus; and therefore presumptuously demanded,-- + +"Who was the somebody, Fräulein Cerinthia, that might stop to listen +to a bird's cry besides the Chevalier. You stopped." + +"And that is why you wished to know. I had better have said it in the +right place. Did anybody ever tell you you are audacious? It was +Florimond Anastase." + +"My master!" and I clapped my hands. + +"Mine, sir, if you please." + +"But he teaches me the violin." + +"And he does not teach me the violin, but is yet my master." + +"How, why?" + +"I belong to him, or shall." + +"Do you mean that you are married to Anastase?" + +"Not yet, or I should not be here." + +"But you will be?" + +"Yes,--that is, if nothing should happen to prevent our being +married." + +"You like to be so, I suppose?" + +She gazed up and smiled. Her eyes grew liquid as standing dew. "I will +not say you are again audacious, because you are so very innocent. I +do wish it." + +"I said _like_, Fräulein Cerinthia." + +"You can make a distinction too. Suppose I said, No." + +"I should not believe you while you look so." + +"And if I said, Yes, I daresay you would not believe me either. Dear +little Carl,--for I must call you little, you are so much less than +I,--do you really think I would marry, loving music as I do, unless I +really loved that which I was to marry more than music?" + +So thrilling were her tones in these simple words, of such intensity +her deep glance, with its fringe all quivering now, that I was +alienated at once from her,--the child from the woman; yet could like +a child have wept too, when she bent her head and sobbed. "Could +anything be more beautiful?" I thought; and now, in pausing, my very +memory sobs, heavy laden with pathetic passion. For it was not exactly +sorrow, albeit a very woful bliss. She covered her eyes and gave way a +moment; then sweeping off the tears with one hand, she broke into a +smile. The shower ceased amidst the sunlight, but still the sunlight +served to fling a more peculiar meaning upon the rain-drops,--an iris +lustre beamed around her eyes. I can but recall that ineffable +expression, the April playing over the oriental mould. + +"I might have known you would have spoken so, Fräulein Cerinthia," I +responded, at last roused to preternatural comprehension by her words; +"but so few people think in that way about those things." + +"You are right, and agree with me, or at least you will one day. But +for that, all would be music here; we should have it all _our own +way_." + +"You and the Chevalier. Do you know I had forgotten all about your +music till this very minute?" + +"I am very happy to hear that, because it shows we are to be friends." + +"We have the best authority to be so," I replied; "and it only seems +too good to be true. I am really, though, mad to hear you sing. +Delemann says there never was in Europe a voice like yours, and that +its only fault is it is so heavenly that it makes one discontented." + +"That is one of the divinest mistakes ever made, Carlino." + +"The Chevalier calls me Carlomein. I like you to say 'Carlino,' it is +so coaxing." + +"You have served me with another of your high authorities, Maestrino. +The Chevalier says I have scarcely a voice at all; it is the way I +sing he likes." + +"I did not think it possible. And yet, now I come to consider, I don't +think you look so much like a singer as another sort of musician." + +She smiled a little, and looked into her lap, but did not reply. It +struck me that she was too intuitively modest to talk about herself. +But I could not help endeavoring to extort some comment, and I went +on. + +"I think you look too much like a composer to be a singer also." + +"Perhaps," she whispered. + +I took courage. "Don't you mean to be a composer, Fräulein Cerinthia?" + +"Carlino, yes. The Chevalier says that to act well is to compose." + +"But then," I proceeded hastily, "my sister--at least Mr. Davy--at +least--you don't know who I mean, but it does not matter,--a gentleman +who is very musical told me and my sister that the original purpose of +the drama is defeated in England, and that instead of bringing the +good out of the beautiful, it produces the artificial out of the +false,--those were his very words; he was speaking of the _music_ of +operas, though, I do remember, and perhaps I made some mistake." + +"I should think not." + +"In England it is very strange, is it not, that good people, really +good people, think the opera a dreadful place to be seen in, and the +theatres worse? My sister used to say it was so very unnatural, and it +seems so." + +"I have heard it is so in England,--and really, after all, I don't so +much wonder; and perhaps it is better for those good people you spoke +of to keep away. It is not so necessary for them to go as for us. And +this is it, as I have heard, and you will know how, when I have said +it to you. Music is the soul of the drama, for the highest drama is +the opera,--the highest possible is the soul, of course; and so the +music should be above the other forms, and they the ministers. But +most people put the music at the bottom, and think of it last in this +drama. If the music be high, all rise to it; and the higher it is, the +higher will all rise. So, the dramatic personification passes +naturally into that spiritual height, as the forms of those we love, +and their fleeting actions fraught with grace, dissolve into our +strong perception of the soul we in them love and long for. The lights +and shades of scenery cease to have any meaning in themselves, but +again are drawn upwards into the concentrated performing souls, and so +again pass upwards into the compass of that tonal paradise. But let +the music be degraded or weak, and down it will pull performers, +performance, and intention, crush the ideal, as persons without music +crush _our_ ideal,--have you not felt? All dramatic music is not thus +weak and bad, but much that they use most is vague as well as void. I +am repeating to you, Carlino, the very words of the Chevalier: do not +think they were my own." + +"I did, then, think them very like his words, but I see your thoughts +too, for you would say the same. Is there no music to which you would +act, then?" + +"Oh, yes! I would act to any music, not because I am vain, but because +I think I could help it upwards a little. Then there is a great deal +for us: we cannot quarrel over Mozart and Cimarosa, neither Gluck nor +Spohr; and there is one, but I need hardly name him, who wrote +'Fidelio.' And the Chevalier says if there needed a proof that the +highest acting is worthy of the highest music, the highest music of +the highest form or outward guise of love in its utmost loveliness, +that opera stands as such. And, further, that all the worst operas, +and ill-repute of them in the world, will not weigh against the +majesty and purity of Beethoven's own character in the opposing +scale." + +"Oh! thank you for having such a memory." + +"I have a memory in my memory for those things." + +"Yes, I know. Does the Chevalier know you are to marry Anastase?" + +"No." + +I was surprised at this, though she said it so very simply; she looked +serene as that noonday sky, and very soon she went on to say: +"Florimond, my friend, is very young, though I look up to him as no +one else could believe. I am but fifteen, you know, and have yet been +nearly three years betrothed." + +"Gracious! you were only a little girl." + +"Not much less than now. I don't think you would ever have called me a +little girl, and Florimond says I shall never be a woman. I wished to +tell the Chevalier, thinking he would be so good as to congratulate +me, and hoping for such a blessing; but I have never found myself able +to bring it out of my lips. I always felt it withdraw, as if I had no +reason, and certainly I had no right, to confide my personal affairs +to him. Our intercourse is so different." + +"Yes, I should think so. I wonder what you generally talk about." + +"Never yet of anything but music." + +"That is strange, because the Chevalier does not usually talk so,--but +of little things, common things he makes so bright; and Franz tells +me, and so did another of our boys, that he only talks of such small +affairs generally, and avoids music." + +"So I hear from my brother. He talks to Josephine about her doll. He +did tell me once that with me alone he 'communed music.'" + +"Again his words!" + +She assented by her flying smile. + +"He never plays to you, then?" + +"Never to myself; but then, you see, I should never ask him." + +"And he would not do it unless he were asked. I understand that. You +feel as I should about asking _you_." + +"Me to sing?" she inquired in a tone beguiling, lingering, an echo of +_his_ voice ever sleepless in my brain, or that if sleeping, ever +awoke to music. I nodded. + +"No," said she again, with quickness, "I will not wait to be asked." + +As she spoke she arose, and those dark streams of hair fell off her +like some shadow from her spirit; she shone upon me in rising,--so +seemed her smile. "Oh!" I cried eagerly, and I caught, by some +impulse, the hem of her garment, "you are going to be so good!" + +"If you let me be so," she replied, and drew away those folds, passing +to her harp. Her hand, suddenly thrown upon the wires, whose +resistance to embrace so sweet made all their music, caught the ear +of little Josephine, who had been playing very innocently, for a +prodigy, in the corner; and now she came slowly forwards, her doll in +her arms, and stood about a yard from the harp, again putting up one +finger to her lip, and giving me a glance across the intervening +space. She looked, as she so peered, both singular and interesting in +the blended curiosity and shyness that appertain to certain +childhoods; but it seemed to me at that moment as if she were a +strayed earthling into some picture of a scene in that unknown which +men call heaven. For the harp and the form which appeared now to have +grown to it--so inseparable are the elements of harmony, so +intuitively they blend in meeting--were not a sight to suggest +anything this side of death. All beauty is the gauge of immortality; +and as I wondered at her utter loveliness, I became calm as +immortality only permits and sanctions when on it our thoughts repose, +for it our affections languish. Her arms still rested behind and +before the strings as she tuned them; still her hair swept that cloud +upon the softness of her cheek, toned the melancholy arch of her brow: +but the deep rose-hues of her now drooping mantle, and the Italian +azure of her robe, did not retrieve the fancy to any earthly +apparition. They seemed but transparent and veil-like media through +which the whiteness of light found way in colors that sheathed an +unendurable naked lustre. I thought not in such words, but such +thoughts were indeed mine; and while I was yet gazing,--dreaming, I +should say, for I ever dream on beauty,--she played some long, low +chords, attenuated golden thwarting threads of sound, and began +forthwith to sing. She sang in German, and her song was a prayer for +rest,--a Sunday song, as little Josephine said afterwards to me. But +it might have been a lay of revenge, of war, or of woe, for all I +heard that the words conveyed, as I could not exist except in the +voice itself, or the spirit of which the voice was formed. I felt then +that it is not in voice, it is not in cunning instrument, that the +thing called music hides; it is the uncreate intelligence of tone that +genius breathes into the created elements of sound. This girl's or +angel's voice was not so sweet as intelligible, not so boundless as +intense. It went straight into the brain, it stirred the soul without +disturbing; the ear was unconscious as it entered that dim gallery, +and rushed through it to the inward sympathetic spirit. The quality of +the voice, too, as much pertained to that peculiar organization as +certain scents pertain to particular flowers. It was as in the open +air, not in the hothouse, that this foreign flower expanded, and +breathed to the sun and wind its secrets. It was what dilettanti call +a contralto voice, but such a contralto, too, that either Nature or +culture permitted the loftiest flights; the soprano touches were vivid +and vibrating as the topmost tones of my violin. While the fragrance +yet fanned my soul, the flower shut up. She ceased singing and came to +me. + +"Do you like that little song? It is the Chevalier's." + +"A Sunday song," observed Josephine, as I mentioned. + +"A Sunday song!" I cried, and started. "I have not heard a word!" + +"Oh!" she said, not regretfully, but with excitement, "you must then +hear it again; and Josephine shall sing it, that you may not think of +my voice instead of the song." + +I had not time to remonstrate, nor had I the right. The child began +quite composedly, still holding her doll. She had a wonderful voice. +But what have I to do with voices? I mean style. Josephine's voice was +crude as a green whortleberry; its sadness was sour, its strength +harsh; though a voice shrill and small as the cricket's chirp, with +scarcely more music. But she sang divinely; she sang like a cherub +before the Great White Throne. + +The manner was her sister's; the fragrance another, a peculiar +wood-like odor, as from moss and evanescent wild-flowers, if I may so +compare, as then it struck me. I listened to the words this while, to +the melody,--the rush of melodies; for in that composer's slightest +effect each part is a separate soul, the counterpoint a subtle, fiery +chain imprisoning the soul in bliss. Ineffable as was that +air,--ineffable as is every air of his,--I longed to be convinced it +had been put together by a _man_. I could not, and I cannot to this +hour, associate anything material with strains of his. When Josephine +concluded, I was about to beg for more; but the other left her harp, +and kissing her little care, brought her with herself to the couch +where she had quitted me. How strange was the sweetness, how sweet the +change in her manner now! + +"How pale you look!" said she; "I shall give you some wine. I can feel +for you, if you are delicate in health, for I am so myself; and it is +so sad sometimes." + +"No wine, please; I have had wine, and am never the better for it. I +believe I was born pale, and shall never look anything else." + +"I like you pale, if it is not that you are delicate." + +"I think I am pretty strong; I can work hard, and do." + +"Do not!" she said, putting her loveliest hand on my hair, and +turning my face to hers, "do not, _lieber_, work hard,--not too hard." + +"And why not? for I am sure you do." + +"That is the very reason I would have you not do so. I _must_ work +hard." + +"But if you are delicate, Fräulein Cerinthia?" + +"God will take care of me; I try to serve him. None have to answer for +themselves as musicians." She suddenly ceased, passed one hand over +her face. She did not stir, but I heard her sigh; she arose, and +looked from the window; she sat down again, as if undecided. + +"Can I do anything for you?" I asked. + +"No, I want nothing; I am only thinking that it is very troublesome +the person who sent those fruits could not come instead of them. I +ought to have kept it from you, child as you are." + +"Child, indeed! why, what are you yourself?" + +"Young, very young," she replied, with some passion in her voice; "but +so much older than you are in every sense. I never remember when I did +not feel I had lived a long time." + +I was struck by these words, for they often returned upon me +afterwards, and I rose to go, feeling something disturbed at having +wearied her; for she had not the same fresh bloom and unfatigued +brightness as when I entered. She did not detain me, though she said, +"Call me Maria, please; I should like it best,--we are both so young, +you know! We might have been brother and sister." And in this graceful +mood my memory carried her away. + + + + +CHAPTER III. + + +I need not say I looked upon Anastase with very different eyes next +time I crossed his path. He had never so much interested me; he had +never attracted me before,--he attracted me violently now, but not for +his own sake. I watched every movement and gesture,--every intimation +of his being, separable from his musical nature and dissociated from +his playing. He seemed to think me very inattentive on the Monday +morning, though, in fact, I had never been so attentive to him before; +but I did not get on very well with my work. At last he fairly stopped +me, and touched my chin with his bow. + +"What are you thinking about this morning, sir?" he inquired, in that +easy voice of his, with that cool air. + +I never told a lie in my life, white or black. "Of you, sir," I +replied. With his large eyes on mine, I felt rather scorched, but +still I kept faith with myself. "Of the Fräulein Cerinthia." + +"I thought as much. The next Sunday you will remain at home." + +"Yes, sir; but that won't prevent my thinking about you and her." + +"Exactly; you shall therefore have sufficient time to think about us. +As you have not control enough to fasten your mind on your own +affairs, we must indulge your weakness by giving it plenty of room." + +Then he pointed to my page with his bow, and we went on quietly. I +need not say we were alone. After my lesson, just before he proceeded +to the next violin, he spoke again. + +"You do not know, perhaps, what test you are about to endure. We shall +have a concert next month, and you will play a first violin with me." + +"Sir!" I gasped, "I cannot--I never will!" + +"Perhaps you will change your note when you are aware who appointed +you. It is no affair of mine." + +"If you mean, sir, that it is the Chevalier who appointed me, I don't +believe it, unless you gave your sanction." + +He turned upon me with a short smile,--just the end of one,--and +raised his delicate eyebrows. "Be that as it may, to-night we rehearse +first, in the lesser hall; there will be nobody present but the band. +The Chevalier will hold his own rehearsal the week after next, for +there is a work of his on this occasion,--therefore we shall prepare, +and, I trust, successfully; so that the polishing only will remain for +him." + +"Bravo, sir!" + +"I hope it will be bravo; but it is no bravo at present," said he, in +dismissing me. + +I had never heard Anastase play yet, and was very curious,--I mean, I +had never heard him play consecutively; his exhibitions to us being +confined to short passages we could not surmount,--bar upon bar, +phrase upon phrase, here a little, and there a very little. But now he +must needs bring himself before me, to play out his own inner nature. + +I found Delemann in his own place presently,--a round box, like a +diminutive observatory, at the very top of the building, and +communicating only with similar boxes occupied by the brass in +general. I let myself in, for it would have been absurd to knock +amidst the demonstrations of the alto trombone. He was so ardent over +that metallic wonder of his that I had to pluck his sleeve. Even then +he would not leave off, at the risk of splitting that short upper lip +of his by his involuntary smile, until he had finished what lay before +him. It was one great sheet, and I espied at the top the words: "Mer +de Glace,--Ouverture; Seraphael." Madder than ever for a conclusion, I +stopped my ears till he laid down that shining monster and took +occasion to say, "That is what we are to have to-night." + +"I know. But how abominable is Anastase not to let me have my part to +practise!" + +"Very likely it is not ready. The brass came this morning, and the +strings were to follow. Mine was quite damp when I had it." + +We went into rehearsal together, Franz and I. What a different +rehearsal from my first in England! Here we were all instruments. +Franz was obliged to leave me on entering, and soon I beheld him afar +off, at the top of the wooden platform, on whose raised steps we +stood, taking his place by the tenor trombone,--a gentleman of adult +appearance who had a large mouth. I have my own doubts, private and +peculiar, about the superior utility of large mouths, because Franz, +of the two, played best; but that is no matter here. + +Our _saal_ was a simple room enough, guiltless of ornament; our +orchestra deal, clear of paint or varnish; our desks the same, but +light as ladies' hand-screens,--this was well, as Anastase, who was +not without his crochet, made us continually change places with each +other, and we had to carry them about. There were wooden benches all +down the _saal_, but nobody sat in them; there was not the glimmer of +a countenance, nor the shine of two eyes. The door-bolts were drawn +inside; there was a great and prevalent awe. The lamps hung over us, +but not lighted; the sun was a long way from bed yet, and so were we. +Anastase kept us at "L'Amour Fugitif" and "Euryanthe,"--I mean, their +respective overtures,--a good while, and was very quiet all the time, +until our emancipation in the "Mer de Glace." His _face_ did not +change even then; but there was a fixity and straightening of the arm, +as if an iron nerve had passed down it suddenly, and he mustered us +still more closely to him and to each other. My stand was next his +own; and, looking here and there, I perceived Iskar among the second +violins, and was stirred up,--for I had not met with him except at +table since I came there. + +It is not in my power to describe my own sensations on my first +introduction to Seraphael's orchestral definite creation. Enough to +say that I felt all music besides, albeit precious, albeit +inestimable, to have been but affecting the best and highest portion +of myself, but as exciting to loftier aspirations my constant soul; +but that _his_ creation did indeed not only first affect me beyond all +analysis of feeling, but cause upon me, and through me, a change to +pass,--did first recreate, expurge of all earthly; and then inspire, +surcharged with heavenly hope and holiest ecstasy. That qualitative +heavenly, and this superlative holiest, are alone those which disabuse +of the dread to call what we love best and worship truest by name. No +other words are expressive of that music which alone realizes the +desire of faith,--faith supernal alike with the universal faith of +love. + +As first awoke the strange, smooth wind-notes of the opening _adagio_, +the fetterless chains of ice seemed to close around my heart. The +movement had no blandness in its solemnity, and so still and +shiftless was the grouping of the harmonies that a frigidity actual, +as well as ideal, passed over my pores and hushed my pulses. After a +hundred such tense, yet clinging chords, the sustaining calm was +illustrated, not broken, by a serpentine phrase of one lone oboe, +_pianissimo_ over the _piano_ surface, which it crisped not, but on +and above which it breathed like the track of a sunbeam aslant from a +parted cloud. The slightest possible retardation at its close brought +us to the refrain of the simple _adagio_, interrupted again by a rush +of violoncello notes, rapid and low, like some sudden under-current +striving to burst through the frozen sweetness. Then spread wide the +subject as plains upon plains of _water-land_, though the time was +gradually increased. Amplifications of the same harmonies introduced a +fresh accession of violoncelli, and oboi contrasted artfully in +syncopation, till at length the strides of the _accelerando_ gave a +glittering precipitation to the entrance of the second and longest +movement. + +Then Anastase turned upon me, and with the first bar we fell into a +tumultuous _presto_. Far beyond all power to analyze as it was just +then, the complete idea embraced me as instantaneously as had the +picturesque chilliness of the first. I have called it tumultuous, but +merely in respect of rhythm; the harmonies were as clear and evolved +as the modulation itself was sharp, keen, unanticipated, +unapproachable. Through every bar reigned that vividly enunciated +ideal, whose expression pertains to the one will alone in any +age,--the ideal that, binding together in suggestive imagery every +form of beauty, symbolizes and represents something beyond them all. + +Here over the surge-like, but fast-bound _motivo_--only like those +tossed ice-waves, dead still in their heaped-up crests--were certain +swelling _crescendos_ of a second subject, so unutterably, if vaguely, +sweet that the souls of all deep blue Alp-flowers, the clarity of all +high blue skies, had surely passed into them, and was passing from +them again. + +Scarcely is it legitimate to describe what so speaks for itself as +music; yet there are assuredly effects produced by music which may be +treated of to the satisfaction of the initiated. + +It was not until the very submerging climax that the playing of +Anastase was recalled to me. Then, amidst long, ringing notes of the +wild horns, and intermittent sighs of the milder wood, swept from the +violins a torrent of coruscant _arpeggi_, and above them all I heard +his tone, keen but solvent, as his bow seemed to divide the very +strings with fire; and I felt as if some spark had fallen upon my +fingers to kindle mine. As soon as it was over, I looked up and +laughed in his face with sheer pleasure; but he made no sign, nor was +there the slightest evidence of the strenuous emotion to which he had +been abandoned,--no flush of cheek nor flash of eye, only the least +possible closer contraction of the slight lips. He did nothing but +find fault, and his authority appeared absolute; for when he +reprimanded Iskar in particular, and called him to account for the +insertion extraordinary of a queer _appogiatura_, which I did not know +he had heard, that evil one came down without a smirk, and minced +forth some apology, instead of setting up his crest, as usual. I was +very thankful at last when the room was cleared, as it was infernally +hot, and I had made up my mind to ask Anastase whether my violin were +really such a good one; for I had not used it before this night. + +When no one was left except he and I, I ventured to ask him whether I +could carry anything anywhere for him, to attract his attention. + +"Yes," said he, "you may gather up all the parts and lay them together +in that closet," pointing to a wooden box behind the platform; "but do +not put your own away, because you are going to look over it with me." + +I did as he directed, and then brought myself back to him. But before +I could begin, he took my fiddle from my arms, and turning it round +and round, demanded, "Where did you get this?" I told him in a few +words its history, or what I imagined to be its history. He looked +rather astonished, but made no comment, and then he began to play to +me. I do not suppose another ever played like him; I may, perhaps, +myself a very little, but I never heard anybody else. The peculiar +strength of his tone I believe never to have been surpassed; the +firmness of his _cantabile_ never equalled; his expression in no case +approached. Santonio's playing dwindled in my mind, for Anastase, +though so young, performed with a pointedness altogether mature; it +was that on which to repose unshifting security for the most ardent +musical interest; yet, with all its solidity, it was not severe even +in the strictest passages. Of all playing I ever heard on my adopted +instrument, and I have heard every first-rate and every medium +performer in Europe, it was the most forceful,--let this term suffice +just here. I said to him when he had finished with me, "How much +fuller your playing is than Santonio's! I thought his wonderful until +I heard yours." But with more gentleness than I had given him credit +for, he responded, laying down my little treasure, "I consider his +playing myself far more wonderful than mine. Mine is not wonderful; +it is a wrong word to use. It is full, because I have studied to make +it the playing of a leader, which must not follow its own vagaries. +Neither does Santonio, who is also a leader, but a finer player than +I,--finer in the sense of delicacy, experience, finish. Now go and eat +your supper, Auchester." + +"Sir, I don't want any supper." + +"But I do, and I cannot have you here." + +I knew he meant he was going to practise,--it was always his supper, I +found; but he had become again unapproachable. I had not gained an +inch nearer ground to him, really, yet. So I retired, and slipped into +the refectory, where Franz was keeping a seat for me. + +I was positively afraid to go out the next Sunday, and the next it +rained,--we all stayed in. On the following Wednesday would come our +concert, and by this time I knew that the Chevalier would be +accompanied by certain of his high-born relations. But do not imagine +that we covered for them galleries with cloth and yellow fringe. It +was altogether to me one of my romance days; and, as such, I partook +in the spirit of festivity that stirred abroad. The day before was +even something beyond romance. After dinner we all met in the +garden-house, as we called the pillared alcove, to arrange the +decorations for our hall, which were left entirely to ourselves, at +our united request. About fifty of us were of one mind, and, somehow +or other, I got command of the whole troop,--I am sure I did not mean +to put myself so. I sent out several in different directions to gather +oak-branches and lime-boughs, vine-leaves and evergreens, and then sat +down to weave garlands for the arches among a number more. Having seen +them fairly at work, I went forth myself, and found Maria Cerinthia +at home; she came with me directly, and we made another pilgrimage in +search of roses and myrtles. Josephine went too, and we all three +returned laden from the garden of a sincere patroness down in the +valley beneath the hill, of whom we had asked such alms. + +Entering Cecilia, after climbing the slope leisurely, we saw a coach +at the porter's door,--the door where letters and messages were +received, not the grand door of the school, which all day stood open +for the benefit of bustling Cecilians. I thought nothing of this +coach, however, as one often might have seen one there; but while +Maria took back Josephine, I obtained possession of all the flowers +which she had placed in my arms, promising to be with us anon in the +garden-house. Past the professors' rooms I walked; and I have not yet +mentioned the name of Thauch, our nominal superintendent, the +appointed of the Chevalier, who always laughingly declared he had +selected him because he knew nothing about music, to care for us _out_ +of music. Thauch sat at the head of the middle table, and we scarcely +saw him otherwise or spoke to him; thus I was astonished, and rather +appalled, to be called upon by him when I reached his room, which was +enclosed, and where he was writing accounts. I was not aware he even +knew my name; but by it he called upon me. "Sir," I said, "what do you +want?" as I did not desire to halt, for fear of crushing up my sweet +fresh roses. He had risen, and was in the doorway, waiting, with true +German deliberation, until I was quite recovered from my +breathlessness; and then he did not answer, but took my shoulders and +pushed me into his parlor, himself leaving the room, and shutting +himself out into the passage. + +Shall I ever forget it? For, gasping still, though I had thrown all my +flowers out of my arms, I confronted the bright, old-fashioned, +distinct, yet dream-like faces of two who sat together upon the chairs +behind the door. You will not expect me to say how I felt when I found +they were my own sister Millicent, my own Lenhart Davy, and that they +did not melt away. I suppose I did something,--put out my hands, +perhaps, or turned some strange color which made Davy think I should +faint; for he rose, and coming to me, with his hilarious laugh put his +arms about me and took me to my sister. When once she had kissed me, +and I had felt her soft face and the shape of her lips, and smelled +the scent of an Indian box at home that clung to her silk handkerchief +yet, I cried, and she cried too; but we were both quiet enough about +it,--she I only knew was crying by her cheek pressing wet against +mine. After a few moments so unutterable, I put myself away from her, +and began distinctly to perceive the strangeness of our position. +Millicent, as I examined her, seemed to have grown more a woman than I +remembered; but that may have pertained to her dress, so different +from the style with which I associated her,--the white ribbons and +plain caps under the quaint straw bonnet, and the black-silk spencer. +Now, she wore a mantle of very graceful cut, and the loveliest pink +lining to her delicate fancy hat; this gave to her oval countenance a +blushful clearness that made her look lovely in my eyes. And when I +did speak, what do you think I said? "Oh, Millicent, how odd it is! +Oh, Mr. Davy, how odd you look!" + +"Now, Charles," said he, in answer,--and how the English accents +thrilled the tears into my eyes,--"now, Charles, tell me what you mean +by growing so tall and being so self-possessed. You are above my +shoulder, and you have lost all your impudence." + +"No, Mr. Davy, I haven't--kiss me!" said I; and I threw my arms about +him, and clung on there till curiosity swelled unconquerable. + +"Oh, Mr. Davy, how extraordinary it is of you to come so suddenly, +without telling me! And mother never said the least word about it. Oh, +Millicent, how did you get her to let you come? And, oh," suddenly it +struck me very forcibly, "how very strange you should come with Mr. +Davy! Is anybody ill? No, you would have told me directly, and you +would not be dressed so." + +Millicent looked up at Davy with an unwonted expression, a new light +in her eyes, that had ever slept in shade; and he laughed again. + +"No, nobody is ill, and she would _not_ be dressed so if I had not +given her that bonnet, for which she scolded me instead of thanking +me,--for it came from Paris." + +"Oh!" I exclaimed, and I felt all over bathed in delight. I ran to +Millicent, and whispered into that same bonnet, "Oh, Millicent! are +you married to Mr. Davy?" + +She pulled off one of her pale-colored gloves and showed me the left +hand. I saw the ring--oh, how strange I felt,--hot and cold; glad and +sorry; excited, and yet staid! I flew to my first friend and kissed +his hand: "Dear Mr. Davy, I am so glad!" + +"I thought you would be, Charles. If I had anticipated any objection +on your part, I should have written to you first!" + +"Oh, Mr. Davy!" I cried, laughing, "but why did they not write and +tell me?" + +"My dear brother, it was that we wished to spare you all +disappointment." + +"You mean I could not have come home. No, I don't think I could, even +for your wedding, Millicent, and yours, Mr. Davy; we have been so busy +lately." + +Davy laughed. "Oh, I see what an important person you have become! We +knew it; and it was I who persuaded your mother not to unsettle you. I +did it for the best." + +"It was for the best, dearest Charles," said Millicent, looking into +Davy's face as if perfectly at home with it. She had never used to +look into his face at all. + +"Oh!" I again exclaimed, suddenly reminded, "what did you wear, +Millicent, to be married in?" + +"A white muslin pelisse, Charles, and Miss Benette's beautiful veil." + +"Yes; and, Charles," continued Davy, "Millicent gratified us both by +asking Miss Benette to be her bridesmaid." + +"And did she come?" I asked, rather eagerly. + +"No, Charles; she did not." + +"I knew she would not," I thought, though I scarcely knew why. + +"But she came, Charles, the night before, and helped them to dress the +table; and so beautiful she made it look that everybody was +astonished,--yet she had only a few garden flowers, and a _very_ few +rare ones." + +"But how long have you been married, Mr. Davy? and are you going to +live _here_? What will the class do? Oh, the dear class! Who sits by +Miss Benette now, Mr. Davy?" + +He laughed. + +"Oh, Charles, if you please, one question at a time! We have been +married one week,--is it not, Millicent?" + +She smiled and blushed. + +"And I am not going to leave my class,--it is larger now than you +remember it. And I have not left my little house, but I have made one +more room, and we find it quite wide enough to contain us." + +"Oh, sir, then you came here for a trip! How delicious! Oh, Millicent, +do you like Germany? Oh, you will see the Chevalier." + +"Well, Charles, it is only fair, for we have heard so much about him. +Nothing in your letters but the Chevalier, and the Chevalier, and we +do not even know his name from _you_. Clo says whenever your letters +come, 'I wish he would tell us how he sleeps;' and my mother hopes +that Seraphael is 'a good man,' as you are so fond of him." + +"But, Charles," added Davy, with his old earnestness and with a +sparkling eye, "how, then, shall we see him, and where? For I would +walk barefoot through Germany for that end." + +"Without any trouble, Mr. Davy, because to-morrow will be our concert, +and he is coming to conduct his new overture,--only his new overture, +mind! He will sit in the hall most part, and you will see him +perfectly." + +"My dear, dear Charles," observed Millicent, "it is something strange +to hear you say 'our concert.' How entirely you have fulfilled your +destiny! And shall we hear you play?" + +"Yes," I replied, with mock modesty, but in such a state of glowing +pride that it was quite as much as I could do to answer with becoming +indifference. "Yes, I am to play a first violin." + +"A first violin, Charles?" said Davy, evidently surprised. "What! +already? Oh, I did not predict wrong! What if I had kept you in my +class? But, Millicent, we must not stay," he added, turning to her; +"we only came to carry Charles away, as we are here on forbidden +ground." + +"Not at all, Mr. Davy," I cried, eager to do the honors of Cecilia. "A +great many of them go out to see their friends and have their friends +come to see them; but I had no one until now, you see." + +"Yes, but, Charles," replied my sister, "we understand that no +visitors are permitted entrance the day before a concert, and thought +it a wise regulation too. They made an exception in our case because +we came so far, and also because we came to take you away." + +"Where are we going, then? Going away?" + +"Only to the inn, where we have a bed for you engaged, that we may see +something of you out of study. You must go with us now, for we have +obtained permission." + +"Whatever shall I do?" + +"What now, Charles?" + +"Well, Mr. Davy, you may laugh, but we are to decorate our +concert-hall, and they are waiting for me, I daresay. All those +flowers, too, that you made me throw down, were for garlands. If I +might only go and tell them how it is--" + +"See, Charles, there is some one wanting to speak to _you_. I heard a +knock." + +I turned, and let in Franz. He could not help glancing at the pink +lining, while he breathlessly whispered, "Do not mind us. Fräulein +Cerinthia is gone to fetch her brother; and while they are at supper, +we shall dress the hall under her directions, and she says you are to +go with your friends." + +"That is my sister, Delemann," said I; and then I introduced them, +quite forgetting that Millicent had changed her name, which amused +them immensely after Franz was gone, having gathered up my roses and +taken them off. Then Davy begged me to come directly, and I hurried to +my room and took him with me. How vain I felt to show him my press, my +screen, my portmanteau full of books, and my private bed, my violin, +asleep in its case; and last, not least, his china cup and saucer, in +the little brown box! While I was combing my hair, he stood and +watched me with delight in his charming countenance, not a cloud upon +it. + +"Oh, dear Mr. Davy, how exquisite it is that you should be my brother! +I shall never be able to call you anything but Mr. Davy, though." + +"You shall call me whatever you please. I shall always like it." + +"And, sir, please to tell me, am I tidy,--fit to walk with a bride and +bridegroom?" + +"Not half smart enough! Your sister has brought your part of the +wedding ceremony in her only box,--and, let me tell you, Charles, you +are highly favored; for the muslin dresses and laces will suffer in +consequence!" + +"I don't believe that, sir," said I, laughing. + +"And why not, sir?" + +"Because, sir, my sisters would none of them travel about with muslin +dresses if they had only one box." + +"They would travel about, as Mrs. Davy does, in black silk," answered +Davy, pursuing me as I ran; but I escaped him, and rejoined Millicent +first, who was waiting for us with all possible patience. + +There are a few times of our life--not the glorious eternal days, that +stand alone, but, thank God! many hours which are nothing for us but +pure and passive enjoyment, in which we exist. How exquisitely happy +was I on this evening, for example! The prospect of the morrow so +intensely bright, the present of such tender sweetness! How divine is +Love in all its modifications! How inseparable is it from repose, from +rapture! + +As we went along the village and passed the shops, in the freshening +sunbeams, low-shining from the bare blue heaven, I fetched a present +for my brother and sister in the shape of two concert-tickets, which, +contrary to Tedescan custom, were issued for the advantage of any +interested strangers. I put them into Millicent's hand, saying, "You +know I gave you no wedding-gift." + +"Yes, Charles, you gave me this," and she looked up at Davy; "I should +never have known him but for you." + +"Which means, my love, that I am also to thank Charles for introducing +me to you;" and Davy took off his hat with mock reverence. + +"Oh! that won't do, Mr. Davy; for you said you had seen a beautiful +Jewess at our window before you knew who lived in our house; and of +course you would have got in there somehow, at last." + +"_Never!_" said Davy, in a manner that convinced me he never would. + +"Then I _am_ very glad," said I,--"glad that I ran away one morning. +The Chevalier says that nothing happens accidentally to such as I." + +They laughed till they saw how serious I had grown again, and then +smiled at each other. Arrived at our inn, we rested. Will it be +believed that Davy had brought some of his own tea, besides several +other small comforts? This much amused me. After our tea--a real home +tea, which quite choked my unaccustomed faculties at first--Davy put +his wife on the sofa, and with a bright authority there was no +resisting, bade her be still while he fetched my part of the ceremony. +This consisted of half a dozen pairs of beautiful white kid +gloves,--treasures these indeed to a fiddler!--a white silk waistcoat, +a small case of Spanish chocolate, and a large cake, iced and +almonded. + +"That was made at home, Charles," said Millicent, "and is exactly like +that we sent to our friends." + +In those days it was not old fashion, gentle reader, to send out +bride-cake to one's friends. I need only mention a white favor or two, +and a frosted silver flower, because I reserved the same for Josephine +Cerinthia. + + + + +CHAPTER IV. + + +In my box-bed at that flower-baptized inn, I certainly did not sleep +so well as in my own nest at school. Here it was in a box, as ever in +that country of creation; and in the middle of the night I sat up to +wonder whether my sister and new-found brother thought the _locale_ as +stifling as I did. I was up before the sun, and dressed together with +his arrangement of his beams. We had--in spite of the difficulty to +get served in rational fashion--a right merry breakfast, thanks to the +company and the tea. I had not tasted such, as it appeared to me, +since my infancy. + +How Davy did rail against the toilet short-comings,--the meagre, +shallow depths of his basin! And he was not happy until I took him to +my portion (as we called our sleeping-places at Cecilia), and let him +do as he pleased with my own water-magazine. This was an artificial +lake of red ware, which was properly a baking-dish, and which I had +purchased under that name for my private need. If it had not been for +the little river which flowed not half a mile from our school, and +which our Cecilians haunted as a bath through summer, I could not +answer, in my memory's conscience, for their morality if, as I of +course believe, cleanliness be next to godliness. + +After breakfast, and after I had taken Davy back, I returned myself +alone to seek Maria and escort her. Davy and Millicent seemed so +utterly indisposed to stir out until it was necessary, and so unfit +for any society but each other's, that I did not hesitate to abscond. +I left them together,--Davy lazier than I had ever seen him, and _she_ +more like brilliant evening than unexcited morning. What am I writing? +Is morning ever unexcited to the enthusiast? I think his only repose +is in the magical supervention of the mystery night brings to his +heart. + +I was sorry to find that neither Maria, Josephine, nor Joseph was at +home. The way was clear upstairs, but all the doors were locked, as +usual, when they were out; and I went on to Cecilia in a pet. It was +nine when I arrived,--quite restored. Our concert was to be at ten. + +What different hours are kept in Germany; what different hearts cull +the honey of the hours! Our dining-hall was full; there was a great +din. Our garden-house was swept and garnished as I remembered it the +day I came with one, but not quite so enticing in its provisions,--that +is to say, there were no strawberries, which had been so interesting +to me on the first occasion. I retreated to the library. No one was +there. I might not go among the girls, whose establishment was apart, +but I knew I should meet them before we had to take our places; and +off I scampered to Franz's observatory. Will it be believed?--he was +still at work, those brass lips embracing his, already dressed, his +white gloves lying on his monster's cradle. + +"My dear Delemann," I exclaimed, "for pity's sake, put that down now!" + +"My dear Carl, how shall I feel when that moment comes?" pointing to +the up-beat of bar 109, where he first came in upon the field of the +score. + +"I don't think you will feel different if you practise half an hour +more, any how." + +"Yes, I shall; I want rubbing up. Besides, I have been here since +six." + +"Oh, Delemann, you are a good boy! But I don't feel nervous at all." + +"You, Carl! No, I should think not. You will have no more +responsibility than the hand of a watch, with that Anastase for the +spring,--works, too, that never want winding up, and that were bought +ready made by our patroness." + +"Dear Franz, do come; I am dying to see the hall." + +"I don't think it is done. Fräulein Cerinthia went out to get some +white roses for a purpose she held secret. The boughs are all up, +though." + +"My dear Franz, you are very matter of fact." + +"No, I am not, Carl; the tears ran down my face at rehearsal." + +"That was because I made a mouth at you, which you wanted to laugh at, +and dared not." + +"Well," said Franz, mock mournfully, "I can do nothing with you here, +so come." + +He rolled up his monster and took up his gloves. I had a pair of +Millicent's in my pocket. + +"We must not forget to call at the garden-house for a rose to put +here," said Franz, running his slight forefinger into his button-hole. +We accordingly went in there. A good many had preceded us, and rifled +the baskets of roses, pinks, and jasmine, that stood about. While we +were turning over those still left, up came somebody, and whispered +that Anastase was bringing in the Cerinthias. I eagerly gazed, +endeavoring, with my might, to look innocent of so gazing. But I only +beheld, between the pillars, the clear brow and waving robes of my +younger master as he bent so lowly before a maiden raimented in white, +and only as he left her; for he entered not within the alcove. As he +retreated, Maria advanced. She was dressed in white, as I have said; +but so dazzling was her beauty that all eyes were bent upon her. All +the chorus-singers were in white; but who looked the least like her? +With the deep azure of our order folded around her breast, and on that +breast a single full white rose, with that dark hair bound from the +arch of her delicate forehead, she approached and presented us each +also with a single rose, exquisite as her own, from the very little +basket I had carried to her that Sunday, now quite filled with the few +flowers it contained. "They are so fresh," said she, "that they will +not die the whole morning!" And I thought, as I saw her, that nothing +in the whole realm of flowers was so beautiful, or just then so fresh, +as herself! + +A very little while now, and our conductor, Zittermayer, the superior +in age of Anastase, but his admirer and sworn ally, came in and +ordered the chorus forwards. They having dispersed, he returned for +ourselves,--the gentry of the band. As soon as I aspired through the +narrow orchestra door, I beheld the same sight in front as from the +other end at the day of my initiation into those sceneries, or very +much the same,--the morning sun, which gleamed amidst the leafy +arches, and in the foreground on many a rosy garland. For over the +seats reserved for the Chevalier and his party, the loveliest flowers, +relieved with myrtle only, hung in rich festoons; and as a keystone to +the curtained entrance below the orchestra, the Cecilia +picture--framed in virgin roses by Maria's hand--showed only less +fair than she. At once did this flower-work form a blooming barrier +between him and the general audience, and illustrate his exclusiveness +by a fair, if fading, symbol. + +The hall had begun to fill; and I was getting rather nervous about my +English brother and sister, who could not sit together, however near, +when they entered, and found just the seats I could have chosen for +them. Millicent, at the side of the chamber, was just clear of the +flowery division; for I gesticulated violently at her to take such +place. + +I felt so excited then, seeing them down there,--of all persons those +I should have most desired in those very spots,--that I think I should +have burst into tears but for a sudden and fresh diversion. While I +had been watching my sister and brother, a murmur had begun to roll +amidst the gathered throng, and just as the conductor came to the +orchestra steps, at the bottom he arrested himself. The first stroke +of ten had sounded from our little church, and simultaneously with +that stroke the steward, bearing on his wand the blue rosette and +bunch of oak-leaves, threw open the curtain of the archway under us +and ushered into the appropriated space the party for whose arrival we +auspiciously waited. I said Zittermayer arrested himself,--he waited +respectfully until they were seated, and then bowed, but did not +advance to salute them further. They also bowed, and he mounted the +steps. + +I was enchanted at the decorum which prevailed at that moment; for, as +it happened, it was a more satisfactory idea of homage than the most +unmitigated applause on the occasion. The perfect stillness also +reigned through Cherubini's overture, not one note of which I heard, +though I played as well as any somnambule, for I need scarcely say I +was looking at that party; and being blessed with a long sight, I saw +as well as it was possible to see all that I required to behold. + +First in the line sat a lady, at once so stately and so young looking, +that I could only conjecture she was, as she was, _his_ mother. A +woman was she like, in the outlines of her beauty, to the Medicis and +Colonnas, those queens of historic poesy; unlike in that beauty's +aspect which was beneficent as powerful, though I traced no trait of +semblance between her and her super-terrestrial son. She sat like an +empress, dressed in black, with a superb eye-glass, one star of +diamonds at its rim, in her hand; but still and stately, and unsmiling +as she was, she was ever turned slightly towards him, who, placed by +her side, almost nestled into the sable satin of her raiment. He was +also dressed in black, this day, and held in those exquisite hands a +tiny pair of gloves, which he now swung backwards and forwards in time +to the movement of our orchestra, and then let fall upon the floor; +when that stately mother would stoop and gather them up, and he would +receive them with a flashing smile, to drop them again with +inadvertence, or perhaps to slide into them his slender fingers. +Hardly had I seen and known him before I saw and recognized another +close beside him. If _he_ were small and sylphid, seated by his +majestic mother, how tiny was that delicate satellite of his, who was +nestled as close to his side as he to hers. It was my own, my little +Starwood, so happily attired in a dove-colored dress, half frock, half +coat, trimmed with silver buttons, and holding a huge nosegay in his +morsels of hands. I had scarcely time to notice him after the first +flush of my surprise; but it was impossible to help seeing that my pet +was as happy as he could well be, and that he was quite at home. + +Next Starwood was a brilliant little girl with long hair, much less +than he, nursing a great doll exquisitely dressed; and again, nearest +the doll and the doll's mamma, I perceived a lady and a pair of +gentlemen, each of whom, as to size, would have made two Seraphaels. +They were all very attentive, apparently, except the Chevalier; and +though he was still by fits, I knew he was not attending, from the +wandering, wistful gaze, now in the roof, now out at the windows, now +downcast, shadowy, and anon flinging its own brightness over my soul, +like a sunbeam astray from the heavens of Paradise. When at length the +point in the programme, so dearly longed for, was close at hand, he +slid beneath the flowery balustrade, and as noiselessly as in our +English music-hall, he took the stairs, and leaned against the desk +until the moment for taking possession. Then when he entered, still so +inadvertent, the applause broke out, gathering, rolling, prolonging +itself, and dissolving like thunder in the mountains. + +I especially enjoyed the fervent shouts of Anastase; his eye as clear +as fire, his strict frame relaxed. Almost before it was over, and as +if to elude further demonstrations, though he bowed with courteous +calmness, Seraphael signed to us to begin. Then, midst the delicious, +yet heart-wringing ice tones, shone out those beaming lineaments; the +same peculiar and almost painful keenness turned upon the sight the +very edge of beauty. Fleeting from cheek to brow, the rosy lightnings, +his very heart's flushes, were as the mantling of a sudden glory. + +But of his restless and radiant eyes I could not bear the stressful +brightness, it dimmed my sight; whether dazzled or dissolved, I know +not. And yet,--will it be believed?--affectionate, earnest, and +devoted as was the demeanor of those about me, no countenance +glistened except my own in that atmosphere of bliss. Perhaps I +misjudge; but it appears to me that pure Genius is as unrecognizable +in human form as was pure Divinity. I encroach upon such a subject no +further. To feel, to feel exquisitely, is the lot of very many,--it is +the charm that lends a superstitious joy to fear; but to appreciate +belongs to the few, to the one or two alone here and there,--the +blended passion and understanding that constitute, in its essence, +worship. + +I did not wonder half so much at the strong delight of the audience in +the composition. How many there are who _perceive_ art as they +perceive beauty,--perceive the fair in Nature, the pure in +science,--but receive not what these intimate and symbolize; how much +more fail in realizing the Divine ideal, the soul beyond the sight, +the ear! + +Here, besides, there were plenty of persons weary with mediocre +impressions, and the effect upon them was as the fresh sea-breeze to +the weakling, or the sight of green fields after trackless deserts. I +never, never can have enough,--is _my_ feeling when that exalted music +overbrims my heart; sensation is trebled; the soul sees double; it is +as if, brooding on the waste of harmony, the spirit met its shadow, +like the swan, and embraced it as itself. I do not know how the +composition went, I was so lost in the author's brightness face to +face; but I never knew anything go ill under his direction. The +sublimity of the last movement, so sudden yet complete in its +conclusion, left the audience in a trance; the spell was not broken +for a minute and a half, and then burst out a tremendous call for a +repeat. But woe to those fools! thought I. It was already too late; +with the mystical modesty of his nature, Seraphael had flown +downstairs, forgetting the time-stick, which he held in his hand +still, and which he carried with him through the archway. As soon as +it was really felt he had departed, a great cry for him was set +up,--all in vain; and a deputation from the orchestra was instructed +to depart and persuade him to return: such things were done in Germany +in those days! Anastase was at the head of this select few, but +returned together with them discomfited; no Seraphael being, as they +asserted, to be found. Anastase announced this fact, in his rare +German, to the impatient audience, not a few of whom were standing +upright on the benches, to the end that they might make more clatter +with their feet than on the firmer floor. As soon as all heard, there +was a great groan, and some stray hisses sounded like the erection of +a rattlesnake or two; but upon second thoughts the people seemed to +think they should be more likely to find him if they dispersed,--though +what they meant to do with him when they came upon him I could not +conjecture, so vulgar did any homage appear as an offering to that +fragrant soul. My dear Millicent and her spouse waited patiently, +though they looked about them with some curiosity, till the crowd grew +thin; and then, as the stately party underneath me made a move and +disappeared through the same curtain that had closed over Seraphael, I +darted downwards past the barrier and climbed the intervening forms to +my sister and brother. Great was my satisfaction to stand there and +chatter with them; but presently Davy suggested our final departure, +and I recollected to have left my fiddle in the orchestra, not even +sheltered by its cradle, but where every dust could insult its face. + +"Stay here," I begged them, "and I will run and put it by; I will not +keep you waiting five minutes." + +"Fly, my dear boy," cried Davy, "and we will wait until you return, +however long you stay." + +I did not _mean_ to stay more than five minutes, nor should I have +delayed, but for my next adventure. When I came to my door, which I +reached in breathless haste, lo! it was fastened within, or at least +would not be pulled open. I was cross, for I was in a hurry, and very +curious too; so I set down my violin, to bang and push against the +door. I had given it a good kick, almost enough to fracture the panel, +when a voice came creeping through that darkness, "Only wait one +little moment, and don't knock me down, please!" I knew that voice, +and stood stoned with delight to the spot, while the bolt slid softly +back in some velvet touch, and the door was opened. + +"Oh, sir!" I cried, as I saw the Chevalier, looking at that instant +more like some darling child caught at its pretty mischief than the +commanding soul of myriads, "oh, sir! I beg your pardon. I did not +know you were here." + +"I did not suppose so," he answered, laughing brightly. "I came here +because I knew the way, and because I wanted to be out of the way. It +is I who ought to beg _thy_ pardon, Carlomein." + +"Oh, sir! to think of your coming into my room,--I shall always like +to think you came. But if I had only known you were here, I would not +have interrupted you." + +"And I, had I known thou wouldst come, should not have bolted thy +door. But I was afraid of Anastase, Carlomein." + +"Afraid of Anastase, sir,--of _Anastase_?" I could find no other +words. + +"Yes, I am of Anastase even a little afraid." + +"Oh, sir! don't you like him?" I exclaimed; for I remembered Maria's +secret. + +"My child," said the Chevalier, "he is as near an angel as artist can +be,--a ministering spirit; but yet I tell thee, I fear before him. He +is so still, severe, and perfect." + +"Perfect! perfect before _you_!" + +I could have cried; but a restraining spell was on my soul,--a spell I +could not resist nor appreciate, but in whose after revelation the +reason shone clear of that strange, unwonted expression in Seraphael's +words. Thus, instead, I went on, "Sir, I understand why you came here, +that they might not persecute you,--and I don't wonder, for they are +dreadfully noisy; but, sir, they did not mean to be rude." + +"It is I who have been rude, if it were such a thing at all; but it is +not. And now let me ask after what I have not forgotten,--thy health." + +"Sir, I am very well, I thank you. And you, sir?" + +"I never was so well, thank God! And yet, Carlomein, thy cheek is +thinner." + +"Oh! that is only because I grow so tall. My sister, who is just come +from England--" Here I suddenly arrested myself, for my unaddress +stared me in the face. He just laid his little hand on my hair, and +smiled inquiringly, "Oh! tell me about thy sister." + +"Sir, she said I looked so very well." + +"That's good. But about her,--is she young and pretty?" + +"Sir, she is a very darling sister to me, but not pretty at all,--only +very interesting; and she is very young to be married." + +"She is married, then?" He smiled still more inquiringly. + +"Yes, sir, she is married to Mr. Davy, my musical godfather." + +"I remember; and this Mr. Davy, is he here too?" He left off speaking, +and sat upon the side of my bed, tucking up one foot like a little +boy. + +"Yes, sir." + +"And now, I shall ask thee a favor." + +"What is that, sir?" + +"That thou wilt let me see her and speak to her; I want to tell her +what a brother she has. Not only so, to invite her--do not be shy, +Carlomein--to my birthday feast." + +"Oh, sir!" I exclaimed; and regardless of his presence, I threw myself +into the very length of my bed and covered my face. + +"Now, if _thou_ wilt come to my feast, is another question. I have not +reached that yet." + +"But please to reach it, sir!" I cried, rendered doubly audacious by +joy. + +"But thou wilt have some trouble in coming,--shalt thou be afraid? Not +only to dance and eat sugar-plums." + +"It is all the better, sir, if I have something to do; I am never so +well as then." + +"But thy sister must come to see thee. She must not meddle, nor the +godpapa either." + +"Oh! sir, Mr. Davy could not meddle, and he would rather stay with +Millicent,--but he does sing so beautifully." + +He made no answer, but with wayward grace he started up. + +"I think they are all gone. Cannot we now go? I am afraid of losing my +_queen_." + +"Sir, who is she?" + +"Cannot it be imagined by thee?" + +"Well, sir, I only know of _one_." + +"Thou art right. A queen is only _one_, just like any other lady. +Come, say thou the name; it is a virgin name, and stills the heart +like solitude." + +"I don't think that does still." + +"Ah! thou hast found that too!" + +"Sir, you said you wished to go." + +He opened the door, the lock of which he had played with as he stood, +and I ran out first. + +The pavilion was crowded. "Oh, dear!" said Seraphael, a little piqued, +"it's exceedingly hot. Canst thou contrive to find thy friends in all +this fuss? I cannot find _mine_." + +"Sir, my brother and sister were to wait for me in the concert-hall; +they cannot come here, you know, sir. If I knew your friends, I think +I could find them, even in this crowd." + +"No," answered the Chevalier, decisively, as he cast his brilliant +eyes once round the room, "I know they are not here. I do not _feel_ +them. Carlomein, I am assured they are in the garden. For one thing, +they could not breathe here." + +"Let us go to them to the garden." + +He made way instantly, gliding through the assembly, so that they +scarcely turned a head. We were soon on the grass,--so fresh after the +autumn rains. Crossing that green, we entered the lime-walk. The first +person I saw was Anastase. He was walking lonely, and looking down, as +he rarely appeared. So abstracted, indeed, was he that we might have +walked over him if Seraphael had not forced me by a touch to pause, +and waited until he should approach to our hand. + +"See," said the Chevalier gleefully, "how solemn he is! No strange +thing, Carlomein, that I should be afraid of him. I wonder what he is +thinking of! He has quite a countenance for a picture." + +But Anastase had reached us before I had time to say, as I intended, +"I know of what he is thinking." + +He arrested himself suddenly, with a grace that charmed from his cool +demeanor, and swept off his cap involuntarily. Holding it in his hand, +and raising his serious gaze, he seemed waiting for the voice of the +Chevalier. But, to my surprise, he had to wait several moments, during +which they both regarded each other. At last Seraphael fairly laughed. + +"Do you know, I had forgotten what I had to say, in contemplating you? +It is what I call a musical phiz, yours." + +Anastase smiled slightly, and then shut up his lips; but a sort of +flush tinged his cheeks, I thought. + +"Perhaps, Auchester, you can remind the Chevalier Seraphael." + +I was so irritated at this observation that I kicked the gravel and +dust, but did not trust myself to speak. + +"Oh!" exclaimed Seraphael, quickly, "it was to request of you a +favor,--a favor I should not dare to ask you unless I had heard what I +heard to-day, and seen what I saw." + +It might have been my fancy, but it struck me that the tones were +singularly at variance with the words here. A suppressed disdain +breathed underneath his accent. + +"Sir," returned Anastase, with scarcely more warmth, "it is impossible +but that I shall be ready to grant any favor in my power. I rejoice to +learn that such a thing is so. I shall be much indebted if you can +explain it to me at once, as I have to carry a message from Spoda to +the Fräulein Cerinthia." + +Spoda was Maria's master for the voice. + +"Let us turn back, then," exclaimed Seraphael, adroitly. "I will walk +with you wherever you may be going, and tell you on the way." +Seraphael's "I will" was irresistible, even to Anastase. + +I suddenly remembered my relations, who would imagine I had gone to a +star on speculation. It was too bad of me to have left them all that +time. My impression that Seraphael had to treat at some length with my +master, induced me to say, "Sir, I have left my brother and sister +ever so long; I must run to them, I think." + +"Run, then," said the Chevalier; "thou certainly shouldst, and tell +them what detained thee. But return to me, and bring them with thee." + +I conceived this could not be done, and said so. + +"I will come to thee, then, in perhaps half an hour. But if thou canst +not wait so long, go home with thy dear friends, and I will write thee +a letter." + +I would have given something for a letter, it is true; but I secretly +resolved to wait all day rather than not see him instead, and rather +than _they_ should not see him. + +I ran off at full speed; and it was not until I reached the sunny lawn +beyond the leafy shade that I looked back. They were both in the +distance, and beneath the flickering limes showed bright and dark as +sunlight crossed the shadow. I watched them to the end of the avenue, +and then raced on. It was well I did so, or I should have missed Davy +and my sister, who, astonished at my prolonged absence, were just +about to institute a search. + +"Oh, Millicent!" I cried, as I breathlessly attained a seat in front +of both their faces, "I am so sorry, but I was obliged to go with the +Chevalier." And then I related how I had found him in my room. + +They were much edified; and then I got into one of my agonies to know +what they both thought about him. Davy, with his bright smile at +noonday, said in reply to my impassioned queries, "He certainly is, +Charles, the very handsomest person I have ever seen." + +"Mr. Davy! Handsome! I am quite sure you are laughing, or you would +never call him handsome." + +"Well, I have just given offence to my wife in the same way. It is +very well for me that Millicent does not especially care for what is +handsome." + +"But she likes beauty, Mr. Davy; she likes whatever I like; and I know +just exactly how she feels when she looks at your eyes. What very +beautiful eyes yours are, Mr. Davy! Don't you think so, Millicent?" + +Davy laughed so very loud that the echoes called back to him again, +and Millicent said,-- + +"He knows what I think, Charles." + +"But you never told me so much, did you, my love?" + +"I like to hear you say 'my love' to Millicent, Mr. Davy." + +"And I like to say it, Charles." + +"And she likes to hear it. Now, Mr. Davy, about 'handsome.' You should +not call him so,--why do you? You did not at the festival." + +"Well, Charles, when I saw this wonderful being at the festival, there +was a melancholy in his expression which was, though touching, almost +painful; and I do not see it any longer, but, on the contrary, an +exquisite sprightliness instead. He was also thinner then, and +paler,--no one can wish to see him so pale; but his colour now looks +like the brightest health. He certainly _is_ handsome, Charles." + +"Oh, Mr. Davy, I am sorry you think so! But he does look well. I know +what you mean, and I should think that he must be very happy. But +besides that, Mr. Davy, you cannot tell how often his face changes. I +have seen it change and change till I wondered what was coming next. I +suppose, Mr. Davy, it is his forehead you call handsome?" + +"It is the brow of genius, and as such requires no crown. Otherwise, I +should say his air is quite royal. Does he teach here, Charles? Surely +not." + +"No, Mr. Davy, but he appoints our professors. I suppose you know he +chose my master, Anastase, though he is so young, to be at the head of +all the violins?" + +"No, Charles, it is not easy to find out what is done here, without +the walls." + +"No, Mr. Davy, nor within them either. I don't know much about the +Chevalier's private life, but I know he is very rich, and has no +Christian name. He has done an immense deal for Cecilia. No one knows +exactly how much, for he won't let it be told; but it is because he is +so rich, I suppose, that he does not give lessons. But he is to +superintend our grand examination next year." + +"You told us so in your last letter, Charles," observed Millicent; and +then I was entreated to relate the whole story of my first +introduction to Cecilia, and of the Volkslied, to which I had only +alluded,--for indeed it was not a thing to write about, though of it I +have sadly written! + +I was in the heart of my narration, in the middle of the benches, and, +no doubt, making a great noise, when Davy, who was in front, where he +could see the door, motioned me to silence; I very well knew why, and +obeyed him with the best possible grace. + +As soon as I decently could, I turned and ran to meet the Chevalier, +who was advancing almost timidly, holding little Starwood in his hand. +The instant Starwood saw me coming, he left his hold and flew into my +arms; in spite of my whispered remonstrances, he _would_ cling to my +neck so fast that I had to present the Chevalier while his arms were +entwined about me. But no circumstance could interfere with even the +slightest effect _he_ was destined to produce. Standing before Davy, +with his little hands folded and his whole face grave, though his eyes +sparkled, he said, "Will you come to my birthday-feast, kind friends? +For we cannot be strangers with this Carl between us. My birthday is +next week, and as I am growing a man, I wish to make the most of it." + +"How old, sir, shall you be on your birthday?" I asked, I fear rather +impertinently, but because I could not help it. + +"Ten, Carlomein." + +"Oh, sir!" we all laughed, Millicent most of all. He looked at her. + +"You are a bride, madam, and can readily understand my feelings when I +say it is rather discomposing to step into a new state. Having been a +child so long, I feel it soon becoming a man; but in your case the +trial is even more obvious." + +Millicent now blushed with all her might, as well as laughed, Davy, to +relieve her embarrassment taking up the parable. + +"And when, sir, and where, will it be our happiness to attend you?" + +"At the Glückhaus, not four miles off. It is a queer place which I +bought, because it suited me better than many a new one, for it is +very old; but I have dressed it in new clothes. I shall hope to make +Charles at home some time or other before we welcome you, that he may +make you, too, feel at home." + +"It would be difficult, sir, to feel otherwise in your society," said +Davy, with all his countenance on flame. + +"I hope we shall find it so together, and that this is only the +beginning of our friendship." + +He held out his hand to Millicent, and then to Davy, with the most +perfect adaptation to an English custom considered uncouth in Germany; +Millicent looking as excited as if she were doing her part of the +nuptial ceremony over again. Meantime, for I knew we must part, I +whispered to Starwood,--"So you are happy enough, Star, I should +suppose?" + +"Oh, Charles! too happy. My master was very angry, at first, that the +Chevalier carried me away." + +"He carried you away, then? I thought as much. And so Aronach was +angry?" + +"Only for a little bit, but it didn't matter; for the Chevalier took +me away in his carriage, and said to master, 'I'll send you a rainbow +when the storm is over.' And oh! Charles, I practise four hours at a +time now, and it never tires me in the least. I shall never play like +_him_, but I mean to be his shadow." + +I loved my little friend for this. + +"Oh, Charles! I am so glad you are coming to his birthday. Oh, +Charles! I wish I could tell you everything all in a minute, but I +can't." + +"Never mind about that, for if you are happy, it is all clear to me. +Only one thing, Star. Tell me what I have got to do on this birthday." + +"Charles, it's the silver wedding, don't you know?" + +"What, is he going to be married?" + +"Who, Carlomein? Starwood won't tell!" said the Chevalier, turning +sharply upon me and bending his eyes till he seemed to peep through +the lashes. "He knows all about it, but he won't tell. Wilt thou, my +shadow? By the by, there is a better word in English,--'chum;' but we +must not talk slang, at least not till we grow up. As for thee, +Carlomein, Anastase will enlighten thee, and thou shalt not be blinded +in that operation, I promise thee. 'Tis nothing very tremendous." + +"Charles, I think we detain the Chevalier," observed Davy, ever +anxious; and this time I thought so too. + +"That would be impossible, after my detaining _you_; but I think I +must find my mother,--she will certainly think I have taken a walk to +the moon. Come, Stern! Or wilt thou leave me in the lurch for that +Carl of thine?" + +"Oh! I beg pardon, sir; please let me come too." And I dearly longed +to "come too," when I saw them leave the hall hand in hand. + +"Now, Charles, we will carry you off and give you some dinner." + +"I don't want any dinner, Mr. Davy; I must go to Anastase." + +"I knew he was going to say so!" said Millicent. "But, Charles, duty +calls first; and if you don't dine we shall have you ill." + +"I don't know whether I may go to the inn." + +"Oh, yes! Lenhart obtained leave of absence at meals for you as long +as we are here." + +"Oh! by the by, Millicent, you said you had only come for one week." + +"But, Charles, we may never have such another opportunity." + +"Yes," added Davy, "I would willingly _starve_ a month or two for the +sake of this feast." + +"Bravo, Mr. Davy. But then, Millicent?" + +"Oh, Millicent! she shall starve along with me." We all laughed, and +as we walked out of the courtyard into the bright country, he +continued,-- + +"You know, Charles, I suppose, what is to be done, musically, at this +birthday?" + +"No, Mr. Davy, not in the least; and it is because I did not that I +refused my dinner. After dinner, though, I shall go and call on Maria +Cerinthia, and make her tell me." + +"A beautiful name, Charles,--is she a favorite of yours?" + +"She is the most wonderful person I ever saw or dreamt of, Millicent; +she does treat me very kindly, but she is above all of us except the +Chevalier." + +"Is she such a celebrated singer, then?" + +"She is only fifteen; but then she seems older than you are, she is so +lofty, and yet so full of lightness." + +"A very good description of the Chevalier himself, Charles." + +"Yes, Mr. Davy, and the Chevalier, too, treats her in a very high +manner,--I mean as if he held her to be very high." + +"Is she at the school too?" + +"She only attends for her lessons; she lives in the town with her +brother, who teaches her himself and her little sister. They are +orphans, and so fond of one another." + +I was just about to say, "She is to marry Anastase;" but as I had not +received general permission to open out upon the subject, I forbore. +We dined at our little inn, and then, after depositing Davy by the +side of Millicent, who was reposing,--for he tended her like some +choice cutting from the Garden of Eden,--I set out on my special +errand. On mounting the stairs to Maria's room, I took the precaution +to listen; there were no voices to be heard just then, and I knocked, +was admitted, and entered. In the bright chamber I found my dread +young master certainly in the very best company; for Josephine was +half lost in leaning out of the window, and side by side sat Anastase +and Maria. I did not expect to see him in the least, and felt inclined +to effect a retreat, when she, without turning her eyes, which were +shining full upon his face, stretched out both her lovely hands to me: +and Anastase even said. "Do not go, Auchester, for we had, perhaps, +better consult together." + +"Yes, oh, yes, there is room here, Carlino; sit by me." + +But having spoken thus, she opened not her lips again, and seemed to +wait upon his silence. I took the seat beside her,--she was between +us; and I felt as one feels when one stands in a flower garden in the +dusk of night, for her spiritual presence as fragrance spelled me, and +the mystery of her passion made its outward form as darkness. Her +white dress was still folded round me, and her hair was still +unruffled; but she was leaning back, and I perceived, for the first +time, that his arm was round her. The slender fingers of his listless +hand rested upon the shoulder near me, and they seemed far too much at +ease to trifle even with the glorious hair, silk-drooping its braids +within his reach. _He_ leaned forwards, and looked from one to the +other of us, his blue eyes all tearless and unperturbed; but there was +a stirring blush upon his cheeks, especially the one at her side, and +so deep it burned that I could but fancy her lips had lately left +their seal upon it,--a rose-leaf kiss. Such a whirl of excitement this +fancy raised around me (I hope I was not preternatural either) that I +could scarcely attend to what was going on. + +"The Chevalier Seraphael," said Anastase, in his stilly voice, "has +been writing a two-act piece to perform at his birth-night feast,[4] +which is in honor, not so much of his own nativity, as of his parents +arriving just that day at the twenty-fifth anniversary of their +nuptials. He was born in the fifth year of their marriage, and upon +their marriage-day. We have not too much time to work (but a week), as +I made bold to tell him; but it appears this little work suggested +itself to him suddenly,--in his sleep, as he says. It is a fairy +libretto, and I should imagine of first-rate attraction. This is the +score; and as it is only in manuscript, I need not say all our care is +required to preserve it just as it now is. Your part, Auchester, will +be sufficiently obvious when you look it over with the Fräulein +Cerinthia, as she is good enough to permit you to do so; but you had +better not look at it at all until that time." + +"But, sir, she can't undertake to perfect me in the fiddle part, can +she?" + +"She could, I have no doubt, were it necessary," said Anastase, not +satirically, but seriously; "but it just happens you are not to play." + +"Not to play! Then what on earth am I to do? Sing?" + +"Just so,--sing." + +"Oh, how exquisite! but I have not sung for ever so long. In a chorus, +I suppose, sir?" + +"By no means. You see, Auchester, _I_ don't know your vocal powers, +and may not do you justice; but the Chevalier is pleased to prefer +them to all others for this special part." + +"But I never sang to him." + +"He has a prepossession, I suppose. At all events, it will be rather a +ticklish position for you, as you are to exhibit yourself and your +voice in counterpart to the person who takes the precedence of all +others in songful and personal gifts." + +"Sir,"--I was astonished, for his still voice thrilled with the +slightest tremble, and I knew he meant Maria,--"I am not fit to sing +with her, or to stand by her, I know; but I think perhaps I could +manage better than most other people, for most persons would be +thinking of their own voices, and how to set them off against _hers_; +now I shall only think how to keep my voice down, so that hers may +sound above it, and everybody may listen to it, rather than to mine." + +Maria looked continually in her lap, but her lips moved. "Will you not +love him, Florimond?" she whispered, and something more; but I only +heard this. + +"I could well, Maria, if I had any love left to bestow; but you know +how it is. I am not surprised at Charles's worship." + +It was the first time he had called me Charles, and I liked it very +well,--him better than ever. + +"I suppose, sir, I _may_ have a look at the score, though?" + +"No, you may not," said Maria, "for I don't mean we should use this +copy. I shall write it all out first." + +"But that will be useless," answered Anastase; "he made that copy for +us." + +"I beg your pardon; I took care to ask him, and he has only written +out the parts for the instruments. He thinks nothing of throwing about +his writing; but it shall be preserved, for all that." + +"And how do you mean to achieve this copy?" demanded Anastase. "When +will it be written?" + +"It will be ready to-morrow morning." + +"Fräulein Cerinthia!" I cried, aghast, "you are not going to sit up +all night?" + +"No, she is not," returned Anastase, coolly; and he left the sofa and +walked to the table in the window where it lay,--a green-bound oblong +volume of no slight thickness. "I take this home with me, Maria; and +you will not see it until to-morrow at recreation time, when I will +arrange for Auchester to join you, and you shall do what you can +together." + +"Thanks, sir! but surely you won't sit up all night?" + +"No, I shall not, nor will a copy be made. In the first place, it will +not be proper to make a copy. Leave has not been given, and it cannot +be thought of without leave,--did you not know that, Maria? No, I +shall not sit up; I am too well off, and far too selfish, too +considerate perhaps, besides, to wish to be ill." + +Maria bore this as if she were thinking of something else,--namely, +Florimond's forehead, on which she had fixed her eyes; and truly, as +he stood in the full light which so few contours pass into without +detriment, it looked like lambent pearl beneath the golden shadow of +his calm brown hair. + +My hand was on the back of the sofa; she caught it suddenly in her own +and pressed it, as if stirred to commotion by agony of bliss; and at +the same moment, yet looking on him, she said, "I wonder whether the +Chevalier had so many fine reasons when he chose somebody to +administer the leadership, or whether he did it simply because there +was no better to be had?" + +He smiled, still looking at the book, which he had safely imprisoned +between his two arms. "Most likely, in all simplicity. But a leader, +even of an orchestra, under _his_ direction is not a fairy queen." + +"Is Herr Anastase to lead the violins, then? How glorious!" I said to +Maria. + +"I knew you would say so. What then can go wrong?" + +"And now I know what the Chevalier meant when he said, 'I must go find +my queen.' You are to be Titania." + +"They say so. You shall hear all to-morrow,--I have not thought about +it, for when Florimond brought me home, I was thinking of something +else." + +"He brought you home, then?" + +"And told me on the way. But he had to tell me all over again when we +came upstairs." + +"But about the rehearsals?" + +"We shall rehearse here, in this very room, and also with the +orchestra at a room in the village where the Chevalier will meet us; +for he has his parents staying with him, and they are to know nothing +that is to happen." + +"I wish I could begin to study it to-night; I am so dreadfully out of +voice since I had my violin,--I have never sung at all, indeed, except +on Sundays, and then one does not hear one's self sing at all." + +"It is of no consequence, for the Chevalier told us your master, +Aronach, told him that your voice was like your violin, but that it +would not do to tell you so, because you might lose it, and your +violin, once gained, you could never lose." + +"That is true; but how very kind of him to say so! He need not have +been afraid, though, for all I am so fond of singing. Perhaps he was +afraid of making me vain." + +Anastase caught me up quickly. "Carl, do not speak nonsense. No +musicians are vain; no true artists, ever so young: they could no +more be vain than the angels of the Most High!" + +"Well said, Florimond!" cried Maria, in a moment. "But it strikes me +that many a false artist, fallen-angel like, indulges in that +propensity; so that it is best to guard against the possibility of +being suspected, by announcing, with free tongues, the pride we have +in our art." + +"That is better to be announced by free fingers, or a voice like +thine, than by tongues, however free; for even the false prophet can +prate of truth." + +I perceived now the turn they were taking; so I said, "And do miracles +in the name of music too, sir, can't they?--like Marc Iskar, who, I +know, is not a true artist, for all that." + +Anastase raised his brows. "True artists avoid personalities: that is +the reason why we should use our hands instead of our tongues. Play a +false artist down by the interpretation of true music; but never +cavil, out of music, about what is false and true." + +"Florimond, that is worthy to be your creed! You have mastery; we are +only children." + +"And children always chatter,--I remember that; but it is, perhaps, +scarcely fair to blame those who own the power of expression for using +it, when we feel our own tongue cleave to the roof of our mouth." + +"So generous, too!" I thought; and the thought fastened on me. I felt +more than ever satisfied that all should remain as it was between +them. + +FOOTNOTE: + +[4] Mendelssohn wrote the "Son and Stranger" in 1829 for the silver +wedding of his parents. + + + + +CHAPTER V.[5] + + +The day had come, the evening,--an early evening; for entertainments +are early in Germany, or were so in my German days. The band had +preceded us, and we four drove alone,--Maria, shrouded in her +mantilla, which she had never abandoned, little Josephine, Anastase, +and myself. Lumberingly enough under any other circumstances; on this +occasion as if in an aërial car. Dark glitter fell from pine-groves, +the sun called out the green fields, the wild flowers looked +enchanted; but for quite two hours we met no one, and saw nothing that +reminded us of our destination. At length, issuing from a valley +haunted by the oldest trees, and opening upon the freest upland, we +beheld an ancient house all gabled, pine-darkened also from behind, +but with torrents of flowers in front sweeping its windows and +trailing heavily upon the stone of the illustrated gateway. A new-made +lawn, itself more moss than grass, was also islanded with flowers in a +thick mosaic: almost English in taste and keeping was this +garden-land. I had expected something of the kind from the allusion of +the Chevalier; but it was evident much had been done,--more than any +could have done but himself to mask in such loveliness that gray +seclusion. The gateway was already studded with bright-hued lamps +unlighted, hung among the swinging garlands; and as we entered we were +smitten through and through with the festal fragrance. In the +entrance-hall I grew bewildered, and only desired to keep as near to +Anastase and Maria as possible. Here we were left a few minutes, as it +were, alone; and while I was expecting a special retainer to lead us +again thence, as in England, the curtain of a somewhat obscure +gateway, at the end of the space, was thrust aside, and a little hand +beckoned us instantaneously forward. Forward we all flew, and I was +the first to sunder the folded damask and stand clear of the mystery. +As I passed beneath it, and felt who stood so near me, I was subdued, +and not the less when I discovered where I stood. It was in a little +theatre, real and sound, but of design rare as if raised within an +Oriental dream. We entered at the side of the stage; before us, tier +above tier, stretched tiny boxes with a single chair in each, and over +each, festooned, a curtain of softest rose-color met another of +softest blue. The central chandelier, as yet unlighted, hung like a +gigantic dewdrop from a grove of oak-branches, and the workmen were +yet nailing long green wreaths from front to front of the nest-like +boxes. Seraphael had been directing, and he led us onward to the +centre of the house. + +"How exquisite!"--"How dream-like!"--"How fairy!" broke from one and +another; but I was quite in a maze at present, and in mortal fear of +forgetting my part. The Chevalier, in complete undress, was pale and +restless; still to us all he seemed to cling, passing amidst us +confidingly, as a fearful and shy-smitten child. I thought I +understood this mood, but was not prepared for its sudden alteration; +for he called to some one behind the curtain, and the curtain +rose,--rose upon the empty theatre, with the scenery complete for the +first act. And then the soul of all that scenery, the light of the +fairy life, flashed back into his eyes; elfin-like in his jubilance, +he clapped those little hands. Our satisfaction charmed him. But I +must not anticipate. Letting the curtain again fall, he preceded us to +the back of the scenery; and I will not, because I cannot in +conscience, reveal what took place in that seclusion for artists great +and small,--sacred itself to art, and upon which no one dwells who is +pressing onward to the demonstration, ever so reduced and +concentrated, of art in its highest form. + +At seven o'clock the curtain finally rose. It rose upon that tiny +theatre crowded now with clustering faces, upon the chandelier, all +glittering, like a sphere of water with a soul of fire, the lingering +day-beams shut out and shaded by a leaf-like screen. Out of all +precedent the curtain rose, not even on the overture; for as yet not a +note had sounded, since the orchestra was tuned, before the theatre +filled. It rose upon a hedge of mingled green and silver, densely +tangled leafage, and a burst of moon-colorless flowers, veiling every +player from view, and hiding every instrument of the silent throng, +who, with arm and bow uplifted, awaited the magic summons. But by all +the names of magic, how arose that flower-tower in the midst? For +raised above the screen of sylvan symbol was a turret of roots, +entwisted as one sees in old oaks that interlace their gnarled arms, +facing the audience, and also in sight of the orchestra; and this wild +nest was clad with silver lilies twice the size of life, whose +drooping buds made a coronal of the margin where the turret edged into +the air. And in the turret, azure-robed, glitter-winged,--those wings +sweeping the folded lilies as with the lustrous shadow of their +light,--stood our Ariel, the Ariel of our imaginations, the Ariel of +that haunted music, yet unspelled from the silent strings and pipes! + +We behind, among the rocks,--those gently painted rocks that faded +into a heavenly distance,--could only glimpse that delicate form, +hovering amidst up-climbing lilies, those silver-shadowy plumes; that +glorious face was shining into the light of the theatre itself, and we +waited for his voice to reassure us. We need not have feared, even +Maria and I. I was quivering and shuddering; but yet she did not sigh, +her confidence was too unshaken, albeit in such a trying position, so +minutely critical to maintain, did author perhaps never appear. In an +instant, as the first soft blaze had broken on the world in front, did +our Ariel raise his wand, no longer _like_ the stem of a lily, but a +lily-stem itself, all set with silver leaves, and whose crowning +blossom sparkled with silver frostwork. He raised it, but not yet +again let it sweep,--descending downwards, on the contrary, he clasped +it in his roseate lilied fingers; and all amidst the great white buds, +that made him shrink to elfin clearness, he began, in a voice that +might have been the soul of that charmed orchestra, to recite the +little prologue, which may thus be rendered into English: + + "A while ago, a long bright while, I dwelt + In that old Island with my Prospero. + He gave, not lent, me Freedom, which I fed + Sometimes on spicy airs that heavenward roll + From flowers that wing their spirits to the stars, + And scented shade that droppeth fruit or balm. + But soon a change smote through me, and I fell + Weary of stillness in the wide blue day, + Weary of breathless beauty, where the rose + Of sunset flushes with no fragrant sigh, + For that my soul was native with the spheres + Where music makes an everlasting morn. + All music in that ancient isle was mine + That pulsed the air or floated on the calm,-- + Old music veiled in the bemoaning breeze, + Or whispering kisses to the yearning sea, + Where foam upblown sprayed with its liquid stars + My plumes for all their dim cerulean grain. + From age to age the lonely tones I stored + In crystal deeps of unheard memory; + Froze them with virgin cold fast to the cups + Of wavering lilies; bade the roses bind + The orbed harmonies in burning rest; + Thrilled with that dread elixir, dreaming song, + The veins of violets; made the green gloom + Of myrtle-leaves hush the sounds intricate; + Charged the deep cedars with all mourning chords. + And having wide and far diffused my wealth,-- + Safe garnered, spelled, unknown of reasoning men,-- + I long to summon it, to disenchant + My most melodious treasure breathless hid + In bell and blade, in blossom-blush and buds + And mystic verdure, the soft shade of rest. + Methinks in this wild wood, this home of flowers, + My harmonies are clustered; yea, I feel + The voiceless silence stir with voiceful awe; + I feel the fanning of a thousand airs + That will not be repressed, that crave to wake + In resurrection of tone infinite + From the tranced beauty, her divinest death. + Arise, my spirits! wake, my slumbering spells! + Dawn on the dreamland of these alien dells!" + +As the last words died away, pronounced alike with the rest in accents +so peculiar, yet so pure, so soft, yet so unshaken,--he swept the stem +of lilies around his brow. The frosted flower flashed shudderingly +against the lamplight, and with its motion without a pause opened the +overture, as by those words themselves invoked and magically won from +the abyss of sylvan silence. Three long, longing sighs from the unseen +wind instruments, in withering notes, prepared the brain for the rush +of fairy melody that was as the subtlest essences of thought and +fragrance enfranchised. The elfin progression, _prestissimo_, of the +subject, was scarcely realized as the full suggestion dawned of the +leafy shivering it portrayed. The violins, their splendors +concentrated like the rainbows of the dewdrops, seemed but the veiling +voices for that ideal strain to filter through; and yet, when the +horns spoke out, a blaze of golden notes, one felt the deeper glory of +the strings to be more than ever quenchless as they returned to that +ever-pulsing flow. Accumulating in orchestral richness, as if flower +after flower of music were unsheathing to the sun, no words, no +expression self-agonized to caricature, can describe that fairy +overture. I am only reverting to the feeling, the passion it +suggested; not to its existent art and actual interpretation. + +Its dissolution not immediate, but at its fullest stream subsiding, +ebbing, seemed, instead of breaking up and scattering the ideal +impression received, to retain it and expand it in itself through +another transition of ecstasy into a musical state beyond. During the +ethereal modulations, by a sudden illumination of the stage, the +scenery behind uncurtained all along, started into light. Still +beneath the leafy cloud, by mystic management, the hidden band +reposed; but before the audience a sylvan dream had spread. The time +was sunset, and upon those hills I spoke of it seemed to blush and +burn, still leaving the foreground distinct in a sort of pearly +shadow. That foreground was masked in verdure, itself precipitous with +descending sides clothed thick with shrubs that lifted their red bells +clear to the crimson beams behind, and shelving into a bed of enormous +leaves of black-green growth such as one sometimes comes upon in the +very core of the forest. Beneath those leaves we nestled, Maria and I. +I can only speak of what I felt and others saw; not of that which any +of us heard. For simultaneously with the blissful modulation into the +keynote of the primeval strain, we began our part side by side unseen. +It was a duet for Titania and Oberon, the alto being mine, the +mezzo-soprano hers; and it was to be treated with the most distant +softness. The excitement had overpassed its crisis with me, and no +calm could have been more trance-like than that of both our voices, so +far fulfilling his aspiration, which conceived for that effect all the +passionless serenity of a nature devoid of pain,--the prerogative of a +fairy life alone. + + "Ariel, we hear thee! + Slumbering, dreaming, near thee, + Bursting from control + As from death the soul, + From the bud the flower, + From the will the power; + Risen, by the spell + Thou alone canst quell, + Hear we, Ariel, + Ariel, we feel thee! + Music, to reveal thee, + Drowns, as dawn the night, + Us in thy delight. + We, immortal, own + Thee supreme alone. + Strongest, in the spell + Thou canst raise or quell, + Feel we, Ariel!" + +And Maria shook the leaves above her spreading, and waving aside the +broad-green fans, stood out to the audience as a freshly blossomed +idea from the shadows of a poet's dream. For here had music and poetry +met together, here even as righteousness and peace had embraced, +heaven-sent and spiritual; nor was there aught of earth in that fancy +hour. I was nearest her, and supported her with my arm; her floating +scarf, transparent, spangled, fell upon my own rose-hued mantle, which +blushed through its lucid mist. Her hair, trembling with water-like +gems, clothed her to the very knees; her cheek was white as her +streaming robe, but her eye was as a midnight moon, bright yet +lambent; and while she sang she looked at Anastase, as he stood a +little above the others in the band, and appeared to have eyes for his +violin alone. The next movement was a fairy march _pianissimo_,--a +rustling, gathering accompaniment that muffled a measure delicate as +precise: it was as for the marshalling of troops of fairies, who by +the shifting of the scenery appeared clustering to the stems of the +red foxgloves that bent not beneath that fragile weight. And as the +march waned ravishingly, another verse arose for the duet we sang,-- + + "Ariel, behold us! + In thy strains enfold us, + Minding but that we + Ministrant may be. + On thy freak or sport + Waits our fairy court: + Mortals cannot tell + How to cross thy spell, + Nor we, Ariel!" + +And Ariel lifted the lily wand, and silence awaited his reply. Still, +while he spoke in that recitative so singularly contrasting with the +voice of any song, might be heard weird snatches from the veiled +orchestra, as if music fainted from delight of him,--strange sounds, +indeed, now sigh, now sob, that broke against his unfaltering accents, +yet disturbed them not. + + "Friends, royal darlings of mine ancient age, + Welcome, right welcome, in the realm of sound + To majesty and honor! Sooth to say + Long time I languished for your presences + That nothing save our Music seeks and finds; + Though Poesy seeks to find and has not met, + As we, through might of Music, face to face. + Your potence is my boon; I bid it work + With mine own spells, in soul-like, eager flame + To flash about my spirit and make day, + Till, as in times of old, we shine as one. + Far in those undulating vales apart + A castle lifts its glittering ghostly hue, + In whose calm walls, that years spare tenderly, + Dwelleth the rival soul of Faërie + And Music,--one whose very name is spell + Immutable,--for that fixed name is Love. + And Love holds yonder his best festal rite + This evening, when the moontime draweth nigh. + Twain souls love there, and meet; but not as cleft + By late long parting--they have met and loved + Years upon years, since youth; none ever loved + So long as they unparted, unappalled, + Save my Titania and her Oberon! + For twenty-five their one-like summers count + Since the dim rapture of the bridal dream. + Such among mortals jubilant they call + The Silver Wedding,--rare and purer crown + Than the wreathed myrtle of the marriage morn. + All that is rare and pure is of our own; + Our elements mix gladly into joy: + But chiefly Love is our own atmosphere, + And chiefly those who love our pensioners + Remain,--for where unsullied Love remains, + Doth Faërie consecrate its festal strains." + +The curtain fell on the first act as Ariel finished speaking. Again +rising, the scene indeed had changed. The gray castle immediately +fronted the audience, its buttresses glistening in the perfect +moonlight, the full languid orb itself divided by the dark edge of a +tower. The many windows shone ruby with the gleam inside that seemed +ready to pour through the stonework; and on the ground-floor +especially, the radiance was as if sun-lamps blazed within. And midst +the blaze, scarcely softened by the outer silver shine, rose the +exciting, exhilarating burden of an exquisite dance-measure, +brilliant, almost delirious; albeit distance-clouded, as it issued +from another band behind the stage. The long, straight alleys of +moon-bathed lindens to which the waltz-whirlwind floated, parted on +either hand and left a smooth expanse of lawn, now white, heaving like +a moon-kissed sea; and as soon as the measure had passed into its +glad refrain, two little Loves struck from the lime avenues to the +lawn, directly before the ball-room. I call them Loves; but they were +anything but Cupids, for they were mystical little creatures enough, +and in the prevailing moonlight showed like bright birds of blushing +plumage as they each carried a roseate torch of tinted flame that made +their small bodies look much like flame themselves. They were no +others than Josephine and my own Starwood; but it would have been +impossible to recognize them unprepared. As they stood they paused an +instant, and then flung the torches high into the air against the side +of the castle; and as the rose-flame kissed the moonbeams upon the +walls, it was extinguished, but the whole building burst into an +illumination entirely of silver lamps,--calm, not coruscant; +translucent, streaming; itself like concentrated moonshine, or the +light of the very lilies. And with the light that drank up into itself +the rose-radiance, our Ariel with the silvered hedge, the lilies, the +shine, the shimmer, swelled upon the vision in softest swiftness; and +Ariel, leaning upon his nest, seemed listening to the dance symphonies +afar. + +Soon a great shout arose,--no elfin call, but a cry of wonder-stricken +earthlings. And then the hall front opened,--a massy portal that +rolled back; and out of the ball-room, amidst the diminishing +dance-song, poured the dancers upon the lawn in ranks, their +fluttering airy dresses passing into the silver light like clouds. And +as they streamed forth, there broke a delicate peal of laughter in +response to the wondering shout, accompanied by the top-notes of the +violins, vividly _piano_; then Ariel arose, and himself addressed the +multitude. Sharp, sweet notes in unison, intermitted this time with +his words, but ceased when he turned to his fairy troop and incited +them to do homage to the name of love. Nor do I even essay to describe +our feats subsequently, which might in their relation tend to +deteriorate from the conviction that the illustrated music was all in +all, not their companion, but their element and creator. + +Except that in the last scene, after exhibiting every kind of charm +that can co-exist with scenic transition, the portraits of the father +and mother in whose honor the fairydom had united, appeared framed in +an archway of lilies with their leaves of silver, painted with such +skill that the imagery almost issued from the canvas; and while +Titania and Oberon supported the lustrous framework on either +hand,--themselves all shivering with the silver radiance,--on either +hand, to form a vista from which the gazers caught the picture, rose +trees of giant harebells, all silver,--white as if veined with +moonshine; and the attendant fairies, springing winged from their +roots, shook them until the tremulous silver shudder was, as it were, +itself a sound,--for as they quivered, or seemed to quiver, did the +final chorus in praise of wedded love rise chime upon chime from the +fairy voices and the rapt Elysian orchestra. + +"All that's bright must fade." This passionate proverb is trite and +travestied enough, but neither in its interpretation of necessity +irrelevant or grotesque. I do not envy those who would strangle +melancholy as it is born into the soul; and again to quote, though +from a source far higher and less investigated, "There are woes ill +bartered for the garishness of joy." Such troubles we may not christen +in the name of sorrow, for sorrow concerns our personality; and in +these we agonize for others, not a thought of self intrudes,--we only +feel and know that we can do nothing, and are silent. + +At this distance of time, with the mists of boyish inexperience upon +my memory of myself, I can only advert to the issues of that evening +as they appeared. As they are, they can only be read where all things +tell, where nothing that has happened shall be in vain, where mystery +is eternal light. How strangely I recall the smothered sound, the +long-repressed shout of rapture, that soared and pierced through the +fallen and folded curtain,--the eminent oblivion of everything but him +for whom it was uttered, or rather kept back. For the music bewitched +them still, and they could no more realize their position in front, +even among the garlanded tiers, than we behind, stumbling into regions +of lampless chaos. + +I felt I must faint if I could not retreat, and as instinctively I had +sought for Maria's hand. I found it, and it saved me; for though I +could not hear her speak, I knew she was leading me away. I had closed +my eyes, and when I opened them we were together again in the little +dressing-room that had been devoted to us alone, and in which we had +robed and waited. + +"Oh, Carlino!" said Maria, "I hope no one is coming, for I feel I must +cry." + +"Do not, pray!" I cried, for her paleness frightened me; "but let me +help you to undress. I can do that, though I could not dress you, as +the Chevalier seemed to think." + +For the Chevalier had slyly entered beforehand and had himself +invested her with the glittering costume. I was still in a dream of +those elfin hands as they had sleeked the plumes and soothed the +spangled undulations of the scarf, and I could not bear her to be +denuded of them, they had become so natural now. I had stripped off my +own roseate mantle and all the rest in a moment, and had my own coat +on before she had moved from the chair into which she had flung +herself, or I had considered what was to be done next. I was running +my fingers through my hair, somewhat distraught in fancy, when some +one knocked at the door. I went to it, and beheld, as I expected, our +Ariel,--_unarielized_ yet, except that he had doffed his wings. + +"Is she tired?" he whispered softly; "is she very tired?" And without +even looking at me, he passed in and stood before her. + +"Thank you for all your goodness!" said he, in the tenderest of all +his voices, no longer cold, but as if fanned by the same fire that had +scorched his delicate cheek to a hectic like the rose fresh open to +the sun. + +"And you, sir, oh you!" Maria exclaimed with enthusiasm, lifting her +eyes from all that cloud of hair, as twin sunbeams from the dark of +night. "Oh, your music! your music! it is of all that is the most +divine, and nothing ever has been or shall be to excel it. It breaks +the heart with beauty; it is for the soul that seeks and comprehends +it, all in all. And will you not, as you even promised, reform the +drama?" + +"If it yet remains to me, after all is known; that I cannot yet +discern. Infant germ of all my art's dread children, inspiration +demands thee only!" He checked himself; but as naturally as if no +deep, insufferable sentiment had imbued his words, his caressing calm +returned. "I did not come for a compliment, I came to help you; also +to bring you some pretty ice, made in a mould like a little bird in a +little nest. But I will not give it you now, because you are too +warm." He was smiling now, as he glanced downwards at the crystal +plate he held. + +"I am not warm," she answered, very indifferently, still with +grateful intention, "and I should like some ice better than anything, +if you are so kind as to give it me." + +"Let me feed you, then," was his sweet reply; and she made no +resistance. And he fed her, spoonful by spoonful, presenting her with +morsels so fairy that I felt he prolonged the opportunity vaguely, and +almost wondered why. Before it was over, another knock came,--very +impatient for so cool a hand, as it was that of Anastase himself. +However, there was no exhilaration of manner on his part; one would +not have thought he had just been playing the violin. + +"They are all inquiring for you, sir," he said, very respectfully, to +Seraphael; "your name is calling through and through the theatre." + +"I daresay," replied the Chevalier lightly, daringly; but he made no +show of moving, though Maria had finished the ice-bird and last straw +of the nest. Then Anastase approached. "That weight of hair will tire +you; let me fasten it up for you, Maria, and then we need detain no +one, for Carl, I see, is ready." A change came upon the Chevalier; as +if ice had passed upon his cheek, he paled, he turned proud to the +very topmost steep of his shadeless brow, he laughed coldly but +airily. "Oh, if that is it, and you want to get rid of us, Carl and I +will go. Come, Carlomein, for we are both of us in the way; but I will +say it is the first time any one ever dared to interfere between the +queen and her chosen consort." + +"It would be impossible," said Anastase, with still politeness, "that +you should be in the way,--that is our case, indeed; but Maria, as +_Maria_, would certainly not detain you." + +"Maria, as Maria, would have said you are too good, sir, to notice +the least of your servants,--too good to have come and stayed; but," +she added, looking at Anastase with her most enchanting sweetness, a +smile like love itself, "_he_ will always have it that I am content he +should do everything for me." I was astonished, for nothing, except +the seasonable excitement, could have drawn forth such demonstration +from her before the Chevalier. He was not looking at her, he looked at +me vividly; I could not bear his eyes simultaneously with Maria's +words, he had so allured my own, though I longed to gaze away. + +"Come!" he continued, holding his hand to me, "come, Carlomein." I +took his hand. He grasped me as if those elfin fingers were charged +with lightning. I shook and trembled, even outwardly, but he drew me +on with that convulsive pressure never heeding, and holding his head +so high that the curls fell backwards from the forehead. We passed to +the stage. He led me behind the stage--deserted, dim--to another door +behind that, opened by waving drapery, to the garden-land. He led me +in the air, round the outside of the temporary theatre, to the main +front of the house, to the entrance through the hall, swiftly, +silently, up the stairs into the corridor, and so to a chamber I had +never known nor entered. I saw nothing that was in the room, and +generally I see everything. I believe there were books; I felt there +was an organ, and I heard it a long time afterwards. But I was only +conscious this night that then I was with him,--shut up and closed +together with his awful presence, in the travail of presentiment. + +He had placed me on a seat, and he sat by me, still holding my hand; +but his own was now relaxed and soft, the fingers cold, as if +benumbed. + +"Carlomein," he said, "I have always loved you, as you know; but I +little thought it would be for this." + +"How, sir? Why? I am frightened; for you look so strange and speak so +strangely, and I feel as if I were going to die." + +"I wish we both were! But do not be frightened. Ah! that is only +excitement, my darling. You will let me call you so to-night?" + +"Let you, dear, dearest sir! You have always been my darling. But I am +too weak and young to be of any use to you; and that is why I wish to +die." + +"My child, if thou wert strong and manly, how could I confide in thee? +Yet God forgive me if I show this little one too much too early!" + +His eyes wore here an expression so divine, so little earthly that I +turned away, still holding his hand, which I bathed in tears that fell +shiveringly from my dull heart like rain from a sultry sky. It was the +tone that pierced me; for I knew not what he meant, or only had a +dream of perceiving _how much_. + +"Sir, you could not tell me too much. You have taught me all I know +already, and I don't intend ever to learn of anybody else." + +"My child, it is God who taught thee. It is something thou hast to +teach _me_ now." + +"Sir, is it anything about myself?" I chose to say so, but did not +think it. + +"No; about some one those eyes of thine do love to watch and wait on, +so that sometimes I am almost jealous of thine eyes! But it cannot be +a hardened jealousy while they are so baby-kind." + +"It is Maria, then, sir, of course. But they are not babies,--my eyes, +I mean; for they know all about her, and so do I. I know why sometimes +she seems looking through us instead of at us. It is because she is +seeing other eyes in her soul, and our eyes are only just eyes to her, +and nothing else,--you know what I mean, sir?" + +I said all this because I had an instinctive dread of his +self-betrayal beyond what was needed. Alas! I had not even curiosity +left. But I was mistaken in him, so far. He leaned forwards, stroked +my hair, and kissed it. + +"Whose eyes, then, Carlomein?" + +"My master, Anastase, is that person whose eyes I mean." + +"Impossible! But I was wrong to ask thee. Assuredly, thou art an +infant, and couldst even make me smile. That is a fancy only. Not +Anastase, my child! Any one but Anastase." + +What anguish curled beneath those coaxing tones! + +"Sir, I know nothing about it, except that it is true. But that it is +true I _do_ know, for Maria told me so herself; and they will be +married as soon as she is educated." I trembled as I spoke in sore +dismay; for the truth was borne to me that moment in a flash of +misery, and all I could feel was what I was fool enough to say, "Oh +that I were Maria!" He turned to me in an instant; made a sort of +motion with both his arms, like wings, having released the hand I +held. I looked up now, and saw that a more awful paleness--a virgin +shadow appalling as that of death--had fixed his features. I threw +myself into his arms; he was very still, mute, all gentleness. I +kissed the glistening dress, the spangled sleeves. He moved not, +murmured not. At last my tears would flow. They rushed, they scalded; +I called out of the midst of them, and heard that my own voice, child +as I was, fell hollow through my hot lips. + +"Oh, let my heart burst! Do let me break my heart!" I sobbed, and a +shiver seemed to spread from my frame to his. He brought me closer to +his breast, and bowed his soft curls till they were wet with my wild +weeping through and through. It heaved not. No passion swelled the +pulses of that heart; still he shivered as if his breath were passing. +In many, many minutes I heard his voice; it was a voice all tremble, +like a harp-string jarred and breaking. "Carlomein, you will ever be +dearer to me than I can say from this night; for you have seen sorrow +no man should have seen, and no woman could have suffered. You know +what I wished; yet perhaps not yet,--how should you? Carlomein, when +you become a man I hope you will love me as you do now when you know +what I do feel, what I do wish. May you never despise suffering for my +sake! May you never suffer as I do! You _only_ could; I know no one +else, poor child! God take you first, before you suffer _so_. You see +the worst of it is, Carlomein, that we need not have suffered at all, +if I had only known it from the beginning. But it is very strange, is +it not?" He spoke as if inviting me to question him. + +"What, dearest sir?" + +"That she should not love me. How could she help it?" + +Of all his words, few as they were indeed, these touched me most. I +felt, indeed, how could she help it? But I was, child as I was, too +wise to say so. + +"You see, sir, she could not help loving Anastase!" + +"Nor could I help loving her, nor can I; but the sorrow is, Carlomein, +that neither on earth nor in heaven will she wish to be mine." + +"Sir, in heaven it won't matter whether she married Anastase or not; +for if she were perfect here, she could but love you, and _there_ she +will be perfect and will understand you, sir." + +"Sweet religion, if true. Sweet philosophy,--false as pleasant." + +"But, sir, you will not be unhappy, because it is of no use; and +besides, she will find it out, and you would not like that. And you +will not break your heart, sir, because of music." + +"I should never break my heart, Carlchen, under any earthly +circumstances." He smiled upon me indifferently; a pure disdain +chiselled every feature in that attitude. "There is now no more to be +said. I need scarcely say, my child, never speak of this. But I _will_ +command you to forget it--as I forget--have already forgotten." + +He rose, and passed his hand, with weary grace, over the curls that +had fallen forward; and then he took me by the hand and we went out +together, I knew not whither. + +I returned that night with my brother and sister to Cecilia. I never +had taken part in a scene so brilliant as the concluding banquet, +which was in the open air, and under shade lamp-fruited; but I knew +nothing that happened to me, was cold all over, and for a time, at +least, laid aside my very consciousness. Millicent was positively +alarmed by my paleness, which she attributed, neither wrongly, to +excitement; and it was in consequence of her suspicion that we retired +very early. + +We met no one,--having bowed to the king and queen of the night's +festival,--nor did I behold the Chevalier, except in the distance, as +he glided from table to table to watch that all should fare well at +them, though he never sat himself. Maria was seated by Anastase. I +noticed them, but did not gaze upon them. Their aspect sickened me. +It was well that Millicent believed me ill, for I was thus not obliged +to speak, and she and Davy had it all to themselves on the road. + +That time, when she got me to bed, I became strangely affected in a +fashion of my own, and not sleeping at all, was compelled to remain +there day after day for a week, not having the most shadowy notion of +that which was my affection. It was convenient that Davy knew a great +deal about such suffering on his own account, or I might have been +severely tampered with. He would not send for a doctor, as he +understood what was the matter with me; and presently I got right. In +fact, my nerves, ever in my way, were asserting themselves furiously; +and as I needed no physic, I took none, but trusted Davy and kept +quiet. + +I heard upon my resuscitation that Maria, Anastase, and Delemann had +all been to inquire after me, and, oh, strange sweetness! also the +Chevalier. It was some satisfaction when Millicent said he was looking +very well and had talked to her for half an hour. This news tended +most to my restoration of anything; and it was not ten days before I +returned to school, my people having left the village the same morning +only. + +I saw as much of Anastase as before, now; but I felt as if till now I +had never known him, nor of how infinite importance a finite creature +may become under certain circumstances. In a day or two I had worked +up to the mark sufficiently to permit myself a breath of leisure; and +towards the afternoon I went after Maria, to accompany her home. This +she permitted; but I knew that Anastase would be with her in the +evening, and refused her invitation to enter, for I felt I could not +bear to see them together just then. I entreated her, therefore, to +take a walk with me instead. She hesitated, on account of her +preparation for the morrow; but when I reminded her that Anastase +desired her to walk abroad daily, she assented. "Florimond would be +pleased." + +Up the green sides of the hill we wandered, and again into the valley. +It was a mild day, with no rude wind to break the silken thread of +conversation, and I was mad to talk to her. I could hardly tell how to +begin, though I knew what I wanted to find out well enough; but I need +not have been afraid. She was singularly unsuspicious. + +"So, Carl," she began herself, "the Chevalier took you into his +room,--his very room where he writes, was it?" + +"I don't know," I said, "whether he writes there. I should think he +would write anywhere. But it was stuffed full of books and had an +organ." + +"A large organ?" + +Heaven help and pardon me! I had not seen anything in the room +specifically; but I drew upon my imagination,--usually a lively spring +enough. + +"Oh! yes, a very large organ, with beautiful carving about +it,--cherubs above, with their wings spread, I believe; and the books +bound exquisitely, and set in cabinets." + +"What sort of furniture?" + +"I don't know. Oh! I think it was dark red, and very rich looking. +Embroidered cloths, too, upon the tables and sofas,--but really I may +be mistaken, because, you see, I was not looking at them." + +"No, I should think not. Carnation is his favorite color, you know; he +told me so." + +"He tells you everything, I think, Maria." + +"Yes, of course he does,--just as one talks to a little child that +asks for stories." + +"That is not the reason,--it cannot be. Besides, he always talks about +himself to you, and one never talks about one's self to children." + +"Do not you? But, Carl, he chiefly talks to me about music." + +"And for that, is he not himself music? But, Maria, I can, telling you +his favorite color, talking about himself as much as if he told you he +had a headache." + +"Well, Carl, he did come to me when he had scratched his finger and +ask me to tie it up." + +"And did you? Was that since _the_ evening?" + +"It was the day before yesterday. He was going to play somewhere. But, +Carl, we shall not hear him play again." + +"What do you mean?" + +"I mean not until next year. He is going to travel." + +"To travel--going away--where--who with?" I was stupid. + +"He told us all so the other day,--just before you returned, Carl. He +went through all the class-rooms to bid farewell. I was in the second +singing-room with Spoda and two or three others. He spoke to Spoda, +'Have you any commands for Italy,--any part of Italy? I am going +unexpectedly, or we would have had a concert first; but now we must +wait until May for our concert.' Spoda behaved very well and exhibited +no surprise, only showered forth his _confetti_ speeches about +parting. Then the Chevalier bowed to us who were there and said, 'My +heart will be half here, and I shall hope to find Cecilia upon the +self-same hill,--not a stone wanting.' And then he sighed; but +otherwise he looked exceedingly happy. And who, do you think, is going +with him?" + +"His father, I should imagine." + +"No; old Aronach, and your little friend,--who, Carl, I suspect, makes +a sort of chevalier of you, from what I hear." + +"Yes; he is very fond of me. But, Maria, what is he going away for? Is +he going to be married?" + +She smiled with her own peculiar expression,--wayward, yet warm. + +"Oh, dear, no! nothing of the kind, I am sure. I cannot fancy the +Chevalier in love even. It seems most absurd." + +"I do not think that; he is too lovable not to be loved." + +"And that is just why he never will love--to marry, I mean--until he +has tried everything else and pleased himself in every manner." + +"Maria, how do you know? And do you think he will marry one day?" + +"Carl, I believe there is not anything he will not do; and yet he will +be happy, very happy,--only not as he expects. I am certain the +Chevalier thinks he should find as much in love as in music,--for +himself, I mean. Now, I believe it would be nothing to him in +comparison." + +I could scarcely contain myself, I so sincerely felt that she was +mistaken. But I seriously resolved to humor her, lest I should say too +much, or she should say too little. + +"Oh, of course! But I don't think he would _expect_ to find more in +love, because he knows how he is loved." + +"Not _how_, Carl, only how much." + +"But, Maria, I fancy he wants as much love as music; and that is +plenty." + +"But, Carl, he makes the music, and we love him in it, just as we +love God in His works; and I cannot conceive of any love being +acceptable to him when it infringed his right as supreme." + +"You mean that he is proud." + +"So proud that if love came to him without music, I don't think he +would take any notice of it." + +I felt as surely as she did, sure of that singular pride, but also +that it was not a fallen pride, and that she could read it not. + +"You mean, Maria, that if you and I were not musical,--supposing such +a thing to be possible,--he would not like us nor treat us as he does +now?" + +"I know he would not." + +"But then it would be impossible for us to be as we are if we were +changed as to music, and we could not love as we do." + +"I don't think that has anything to do with it, and indeed I am sure +not. You see, Carl, you make me speak to you openly. I have never done +so before, and I should not, but that you force me to it,--not that I +dislike to speak of it, for I think of nothing else,--but that it +might be troublesome." + +Could it be that she was about, in any sense, to open her heart? Mine +felt as if it had collapsed, and would never expand again; but I was +very rejoiced, for many reasons. + +"Oh, Maria! if I could hear you talk all day about your own feelings, +I should know really that you cared to be my friend; but I could not +ask you to do so, nor wish, unless you did." + +"Carl, if you were not younger than I am I should hesitate, and still +more if, where I came from, we did not become grown up so fast that +our lives seem too quick, too bright! Oh! I have often thought so, +and shall think so again; but I will not now, because I intend to be +very happy. You know, Carl, you cannot understand, though you may +_feel_, what I feel when I think of Florimond. And it is possible you +think him higher than I do, for you do him justice now." + +"I suppose I do,--I am very certain that I adore his playing." + +"I do not care for his playing, or scarcely. And yet I am aware that +it is the playing of a master, of a musician, and I am proud to say +so. Still, I would rather be that violin than hear it, and endure the +sweet anguish he pours into it than be as I am, so far more divided +from him than it is." + +"Maria!" + +"But Florimond does not mind my feeling this, or I should not say +it,--on the contrary, he feels the same; and when first Heaven made +him love me, he felt it even then." + +"Was that long ago, Maria?" + +"It is beginning to be a long time, for it was in the summer that I +was twelve, before my father died. I was in France that summer, and +very miserable, working hard and seeming to do nothing, for my father, +rest his soul! was very severe with me, and petted Josephine,--for +which I thank and praise him, and love her all the better. We were +twenty miles from Paris, and lodged in a cottage whose roof was all +ruins; but it was a dry year, and no harm came,--besides, we had been +brought up like gypsies, and were sometimes taken for them. In the day +I practised my voice and studied Italian or German; then prepared our +dinner, which we ate under a tree in the garden, Josephine and I, +though she was almost a baby then, and slept half her time. One noon +she was asleep upon the grass, and I was playing with the flowers she +had plucked, with no sabots on, for I was very warm, when I heard a +step and peeped behind that tree. I saw a boy, or, as I thought him, a +very wonderful man, putting aside the boughs to look upon me. You have +told me, Carl, how you felt when you first saw the Chevalier; well, it +was a little as I felt when I saw that face, only instead of looking +on, as you did, I was obliged to look away and hide my eyes with my +hand. He was, to my sight, more beautiful than anything I had ever +seen or dreamed about; and therefore I could not look upon him, for I +know I was not thinking about myself. Still, I felt sure he was coming +to speak to me, and so he did; but not for a long time, for he stepped +round the tree and sat down upon the turf just near me, and played +with the sabots and the wild thyme I had played with, and presently +put out his hand to stroke Josephine's hair as it lay in my lap. I +never thought of being angry, or of wondering at him even, for the +longer I had him near me, the better, though I was rather frightened +lest my father should return; but at last he did speak, and when once +he began, there was not soon an end. We talked of all things. I can +remember nothing, but I do know this,--that we never spoke of music, +except that I told how I passed my time, and how my father taught me. +He went away before Josephine awoke, and nobody knew he had come; but +I returned the next day to the place where I had seen him, and again I +found him there. In that country one could do such things, and it was +the hour my father was absent,--for he had other pupils at the houses +of the inhabitants several miles about, and we lived frugally, in +order that he might give us all advantages when we should be old +enough. I saw Florimond every day for a week, and then for a week he +never came. That week I was taken ill,--I could not help it; I was too +young to hide it. And when he came again, I told him I should have +died if he had stayed away. And then he said that he loved me, but +that he was going a journey, and should not for a long time see me +again, but that I was never, never to forget him; and he gave me a bit +of his hair softer than any curl. I gave him, too, my mother's ring, +that I had always kept warm in my bosom; and I never even lamented +that he was departed, because I knew I should be his forever. We had a +long, long talk,--of feelings and fears and mysteries, of the flowers +of heaven and earth, of glory and bliss, of hope and ecstasy. We +poured out our hearts together, and did not even trouble ourselves to +say we loved. I think he was there three hours; but I sent him away +myself, just in time to be quite ready, and not at all in a tremble, +for my father's supper. Papa came home by sunset, much later than +usual, and I tried hard to wake up, but was as a wanderer in sleep, +until he took from his pocket a parcel and gave it me to open. He was +in great good humor to-night, for he had heard of my brother's success +at the Académie; but it was not my brother who sent the parcel, which +contained two tickets for a grand concert in Paris the next morning, +and a little anonymous billet to beg that we would go, I and my +father. + +"My father was much flattered, and still more because there was a +handful of gold to pay the expenses of our journey. This settled the +matter; we did go in the diligence that night. I took my best frock +and gloves, and we slept at a grand hotel for once in our lives, and +supped there, and breakfasted the next morning before setting out for +the concert. When I walked into the streets with my father I envied +the ladies their bonnets,--for I had not even my mantilla, it was too +shabby; and I wore alone a wreath of ivy that I had gathered from +under that very tree at home, and I was thinking too seriously of one +only person to wish to see or to be seen. We went into the very best +places, but I thought as I sat down how I must have changed in a short +time; for a little while before I would have almost sold myself to go +to this same concert, and now I did not care. There was a grand vocal +trio first, and then a fantasia for the harp, and then a tenor solo. +But next in the programme came one of Fesca's solos for the violin; +and when I saw the violinist come up into the front, I fell backwards, +and should have swooned had he not begun to play. His tones sustained +me, drew me upwards; it was Florimond,--my Florimond; mine then as +now." + +"I thought it would turn out so," I exclaimed, rudely enough. "But, +Maria, when you said music had nothing to do with love, I think you +were mistaken, or that you misunderstood yourself; for though I can't +express it, I am sure that our being musical makes a great difference +in the way we feel, and that though we don't allude to it, it will go +through everything, and make us what we are." + +"Perhaps you are right, and, Carl, I should not like to contradict +you; but I know I should have loved Florimond if he had not been a +musician,--if he had been a shoemaker, for instance." + +"Yes, because he still might have been musical; and if the music had +remained within him, it might have influenced his feelings even more +than it does now." + +"Carl, but I don't love in that way all those who are musical, +therefore why must it be the music that makes me love _him_? What +will you say to me, now, when I tell you I cannot imagine wishing to +marry the Chevalier?" + +"Maria!" + +"Carl, I could not; it would abase the power of worship in my soul, it +would cloud my idea of heaven, it would crush all my life within me. I +should be transported into a place where the water was all light and I +could not drink, the air was all fire to wither me. I should flee from +myself in him, and in fleeing, die." + +Her strange words, so unlike her youth, consumed my doubts as she +pronounced them. I shuddered inwardly, but strove to keep serene. +"Maria, that may be because you had loved when you saw him, and it +would have been impossible for you to be inconstant." + +"Carlino, no. You and I are talking of droll things for a girl and a +boy; but I would rather you knew me well, because, perhaps, it will +help you when you grow up to understand some lady better than you +would if I did not speak so openly. Under no circumstances could I +have loved him so as to wish to belong to him in that sense. For, +Carl, though it might have been inconstant, it would not have been +unfaithful to myself if I had seen and loved him better than +Florimond; it might have been that I had not before found out what I +ought to submit my soul to, nor could I have helped it; such things +have happened to many, I daresay,--to many natures, but not to mine; +if I feel once, it is entirely and for always, and I cannot think how +it is that so few women, even of my own race, are so unfixed about +their feelings and have so many fancies. I sometimes believe there is +a reason for my being different, which, if it is true, will make him +sadder than the saddest,--you can guess what I mean?" + +"Yes, Maria, but I know there is nothing in it; it is what my mother +would call a morbid presentiment, and I wish she could talk to you +about it. I should think there might be truth in it, but that it +always proves false. My sister had it once, so had my dear brother, +Mr. Davy. I don't believe people have it when they are really going to +die." + +"It is not a morbid presentiment, for 'morbid' means 'diseased,' and I +am sure I am not diseased; but my idea is that people who form so fast +cannot live long. I am only fifteen, and I feel as if I had lived +longer than anybody I know." + +"Then," said I, laughing, for I felt it was wrong to permit her much +range here, "I shall die soon, Maria." + +"No, Carl. You are not formed; you are like an infant,--your heart +tells itself out, one may count its beats and sing songs to them, as +Florimond says; but your brain keeps you back, though it is itself so +forward." + +I was utterly puzzled. "I don't understand, Maria." + +"But you will, some time. Your brain is burning, busy, always dreaming +and working. The dreams of the brain are often those which play +through the slumbers of the heart. If your heart even awoke, your +brain would still have the upper hand, and would keep down, keep back +your heart. There is no fear for you, Carl, passionate as you are." + +"Well, Maria, I must confess it frightens me a little when you talk +so,--first, because you are so young yourself; and secondly, because +if it is all true, how much you must know,--you must know almost more +than you feel; it is too much for a girl to know, or a boy either, and +I would rather know nothing than so very much." + +"Carl, all that I know I get from my heart. I am really excessively +ignorant, and can teach and tell of nothing in the world but love. +That is my life and my faith; and when my heart is bathing in the love +that is my own on earth, all earth seems to sink beneath my feet, and +I tremble as if raised to heaven. I feel as if God were behind my joy, +and as if it must be more than every other knowledge to make me feel +so. And when I sing, it is the same,--the music wraps up the love; I +feel it more and more." + +"But, Maria, you are so awfully musical." + +"Carl, till I knew Florimond I never really sang. I practised, it is +true, and was very sick of failures; but _then_ my voice grew clear +and strong, and I found what it was meant for,--therefore I cannot be +so musical as you are. And I revere you for it, Carl, and prophesy of +you such performances that you can never excel them, however much you +excel." + +"Why, Maria, how we used to talk about music together!" + +"I did not know you so well then, Carl; but do you suppose that music, +in one sense, is not all to me? I sometimes think when women try to +rise too high, either in their deeds or their desires, that the spirit +which bade them so rise sinks back again beneath the weakness of their +earthly constitution and never appeals again; or else that the spirit, +being too strong, does away with the mortal altogether,--they die, or +rather they live again." + +"Do you ever talk in this strange manner to Anastase, Maria,--I mean, +do you tell him you love him better than music?" + +"He knows of himself, not but that I have often told him; but you may +imagine how I love him, Carl, when I tell you he loves music better +than me, and yet I would have it so, chiefly for one reason." + +"What is that?" + +"That if I am taken from him he will still have something to live for +until we meet again." + +It is a strange truth that I was unappalled and scarcely touched by +these pathetic hints of hers; in fact, looking at her then, it was as +impossible to associate with her radiant beauty any idea of death as +for any but the most tasteless moralist to attach it to a new-blown +rose-flower with stainless petals. It was a day also of the most +perfect weather, and the suggestion to my mind was that neither the +day nor she--neither the brilliant vault above, nor those transparent +eyes--could ever "change or pass." I was occupied besides in +reflecting upon the mystery that divided the two souls I felt ought +never to have been separated, even _thought_ of, apart. I did not know +then how far she was right in her mystical assertion that the +premature fulness of the brain maintains the heart's first slumber in +its longest unbroken rest. + +FOOTNOTE: + +[5] The description of the fairy music contained in this chapter +evidently refers to the opera of "The Tempest," which Mendelssohn +contemplated writing in 1846-47. The composer had agreed to write an +opera on this subject for Mr. Lumley, then manager of Her Majesty's +Theatre in London, the principal _rôle_ to be given to Jenny Lind. +After considerable negotiation, M. Scribe, the eminent French adapter, +furnished a libretto, and Mr. Lumley suggested the following +distribution of parts: Prospero, Signor Lablache; Caliban, Herr +Staudigl; Fernando, Signor Gardoni; Miranda, Mademoiselle Lind; Ariel, +left unassigned. Mendelssohn, however, was dissatisfied with the +libretto, which made serious changes in the character of the story and +marred the artistic effects intended by Shakspeare; but M. Scribe +would not listen to his protests, and thus the matter fell through. +Mendelssohn then turned his attention to the legend of the Loreley as +the subject of an opera, but died shortly afterward, leaving it in a +fragmentary condition, wherefore Mr. Lumley substituted Verdi's "I +Masnadieri" for the long-promised "Tempest." It proved a failure, +however. Thus a three-fold fatality attended the "Tempest" episode in +the friendly relations of Mendelssohn and Jenny Lind. The reader who +may be curious to know the details of these interesting negotiations +will find a very complete record of them in the second volume of the +Life of Jenny Lind by Mr. Rockstro and Canon Holland, recently +published, and there for the first time given to the public from +official sources. + + + + +CHAPTER VI. + + +I left her at her house and returned to Cecilia, feeling very lonely, +and as if I ought to be very miserable, but I could not continue it; +for I was, instead of recalling her words, in a mood to recall those +of Clara in our parting conversation. The same age as Maria, with no +less power in her heavenly maidenhood, she came upon me as if I had +seen them together, and watched the strange calm distance of those +unclouded eyes next the transparent fervors of Maria's soul,--that +soul in its self-betrayal so wildly beautiful, so undone with its own +emotion. Clara I remembered as one not to be approached or reached but +by fathoming her crystal intellect; and even then it appeared to me +that there was more passion in her enshrining stillness than in +anything but the music that claimed and owned her. But Maria had +seemed on fire as she had spoken, and even when she spoke not, she +passed into the very heart by sympathy abounding, summer-like. I +little thought how soon, in that respect, her change would come. + +There was one, too, whom I saw not again until that change. Over this +leaf of my history I can only glance, for it would be as a sheet of +light unrelieved by any shade or pencilling; suffice it to say that +day by day, in morning's golden dream, at dream-like afternoon, I +studied and soared. I was--after the Chevalier had left, and the +excitement of his possible presence had ceased--blissfully happy +again, and in much the same state as when I lived with Aronach; +certainly I did not expand, as Maria might have said. The advent of +the Chevalier, which was as a king's visit, being delayed until the +spring, I had left off hoping he might appear any fine morning, and my +initiation--"by trance"--went on apace; I was utterly undisturbed. + +At Christmas we had a concert,--a concert worthy of the name; and with +all the Christmas heartedness of Germany we dressed our beloved hall +with its evergreens and streamers. Besides, that overture, the "Mer de +Glace," which, even under an inferior conductor, would make its way, +was one of our interpretations; and it appeared to have some effect +upon the whole crew that was not very material, as nothing would do in +our after sledging party, but that all the instruments should be +carried also, and an attempt made to refrigerate the ice-movement over +again, by performing it in the frosty air, upon the frost-spelled +water. I was to have gone to England this year, as arranged; but the +old-fashioned frump, a very hard winter, had laid in great stores of +snow, with great raving winds, and my mother took fright at the idea +of my crossing the water,--besides, it was agreed that as Millicent +and Davy had seen me so lately, I could get on very well as I was +until June. + +It was not such a disappointment as it should have been, for I knew +that Clara had gone to London, and that I could not have seen her. She +was making mysterious progress, according to Davy; but I could not get +out all I wanted, for I did not like to ask for it. There was +something, too, in my present mode of life exiling from all +excitement; and it is difficult for me to look back and believe it +anything but the dream of fiction,--still, that is not strange, for +fiction often strikes us as more real than fact. + +I had a small letter from Starwood about this time. + +"Dearest Carl," he wrote, as he always spoke to me, in English, "I +wish you could see the Chevalier now, how well he looks, and how he +enjoys this beautiful country. We have been to see all the pictures +and the palaces, and all the theatres; we have heard all the cathedral +services, and climbed over all the mountains,--for, Carl, we went also +to Switzerland; and when I saw the 'Mer de Glace,' I thought it was +like that music. _Now_ we are in a villa all marble, not white, but a +soft, pale-gray color, and there are orange-trees upon the grass. All +about are green hills, and behind them hills of blue, and the sky here +is like no other sky, for it is always the same, without clouds, and +yet as dark as our sky at night; but yet at the same time it is day, +and the sun is very clear. The moon and stars are big, but there is +something in the air that makes me always want to cry. It is +melancholy, and a very quiet country,--it seems quite dead after +Germany; but then we do live away from the towns. + +"The Chevalier is writing continually, except when he is out, and the +Herr Aronach is very good,--does not notice me much, which I like. His +whole thoughts are upon the Chevalier, I think, and no wonder. Carl, I +am getting on fast with my studies, am learning Italian," etc. There +was more in the little letter; but from such a babe I could not expect +the information I wanted. Maria and her suite--as I always called her +brother Joseph and the little Josephine--had left Cecilia for +Christmas Day, which they were to spend with some acquaintance a few +leagues off, and a friend, too, of Anastase, who, indeed, accompanied +them. On Christmas Eve I was quite alone; for though I had received +many invitations, I had accepted none, and I went over to the old +place where I had lived with Aronach, to see the illuminations in +every house. It was a chilly, elfin time to me; but I got through it, +and sang about the angels in the church next day. + +To my miraculous astonishment Maria returned alone, long before +Josephine and her brother, and even without Anastase. He, it appeared, +had gone to Paris to hear a new opera, and also to play at several +places on the road. It was only five days after Christmas that she +came and fetched me from my own room, where I was shut in practising, +to her own home. When she appeared, rolled in furs, I was fain to +suppose her another than herself, produced by the oldest of all old +gentlemen for my edification, and I screamed aloud, for she had +entered without knocking, or I had not heard her. She would not speak +to me then and there, saving only to invite me, and on the road, which +was lightened over with snow, she scarcely spoke more; but arrived on +that floor I was so fond of, and screened by the winter hangings from +the air, while the soft warmth of the stove bade all idea of winter +make away, we sat down together upon the sofa to talk. I inquired why +she had returned so soon. + +"Carl," she said, smoothing down her hair, and laying over my knees +the furry cloak, "I am altering very much, I think, or else I have +become a woman too suddenly. I don't care about these things any +longer." + +"What things, Maria,--fur mantles, or hair so long that you can tread +upon it?" + +"No, Carl. But I forget that I was not talking to you yesterday, nor +yet the day before, nor for many days; and I have been dreaming more +than ever since I saw you." + +"What about?" + +"Many unknown things,--chiefly how different everything is here from +what it ought to be. Carl, I used to love Christmas and Easter and St. +John's Day; now they are all like so many cast-off children's +pictures. I can have no imagination, I am afraid, or else it is all +drawn away somewhere else. Do you know, Carl, that I came away because +I could not bear to stay with those creatures after Florimond was +gone? Florimond is, like me, a dreamer too; and much as I used to +wonder at his melancholy, it is just now quite clear to me that +nothing else is worth while." + +"Anastase melancholy? Well, so he is, except when he is playing; but +then I fancied that was because he is so abstracted, and so bound to +music hand and foot, as well as heart and soul." + +"Very well, Carl, you are always right; but my melancholy, and such I +believe his to be, is exquisite pleasure,--too fine a joy to breathe +in, Carl. How people fume themselves about affairs that only last an +hour, and music and joy are forever." + +"You have come back to music, Maria; if so, I am not sorry you went +away." + +"I never left it, Carl, it left me; but now I know why,--it went to +heaven to bring me a gift out of its eternal treasure, and I believe I +have it. Carl, Carl! my fit of folly has served me in good stead." + +"You mean what we talked about before you went, before the Chevalier +went also?" + +"Yes, I meant what I said then; but I was very empty, and in an idle +frame. I thought the last spark of music had passed out of me; but +there has come a flame from it at last." + +"What do you mean? And what has that to do with your coming back, and +with your being melancholy,--which I cannot believe quite, Maria?" + +"Oh, Carl! I am very ignorant, and have read no books; but I am pretty +sure it is said somewhere that melancholy is but the shadow of too +much happiness, thrown by our own spirits upon the sunshine side of +life. I was in that queer mood when I went to Obertheil that if an +angel had walked out of the clouds I should not have taken the trouble +to watch him; Florimond was all and enough. So he is still. But +listen, Carl. On Christmas we were in the large room, before the +table, where the green moss glittered beneath the children's tree, and +there were children of all sizes gazing at the lights. They crowded so +together that Florimond, who was behind, and standing next me, said, +'Come, Maria, you have seen all this before: shall we go upstairs +together?' And we did go out silently, we were not even missed. We +went to the room which Florimond had hired, for it was only a friend's +house, and Florimond is as proud as some one who has not his light +hair. The little window was full of stars; we heard no sound as we +stood there except when the icicles fell from the roof. The window was +open too; but I felt no cold, for he held me in his arms, and I +sheltered him, and he me. We watched the stars so long that they began +to dance below before we spoke. Then Florimond said that the stars +often reminded him how little constancy there was in anything said or +done, for that they ever shone upon that which was forgotten. And I +replied it was well that they did so, for many things happened which +had better be forgotten, or something as unmeaning. He said, then, it +was on that account we held back from expressing, even remotely, what +we felt most. And I asked him whether it might not rather be that +music might maintain its privilege of expressing what it was forbidden +to pronounce or articulate otherwise. Then he suggested that it was +forbidden to an artist to exalt himself in his craft, as he is so fond +of saying, you know, except by means of it, when it asserts itself. +And then I demanded of him that he should make it assert itself; and +after I had tormented him a good while, he fetched out his violin and +played to me a song of the stars. + +"And in that wilderness of tone I seemed to fall asleep and dream,--a +dream I have already begun to follow up, and _will_ fulfil. I have +heard it said, Carl, that sometimes great players who are no authors +have given ideas in their random moments to the greatest writers, that +these have reproduced at leisure,--I suppose much as a painter takes +notions from the colored clouds and verdant shadows; but I don't know. +Florimond, who is certainly no writer, has given me an idea for a new +musical poem, and what is more strange, I have half finished it, and +have the whole in my mind." + +"Maria! have you actually been writing?" I sprang from the sofa quite +wild, though I merely foresaw some touching memento, in wordless +_Lied_ or _scherzo_ for one-voiced instrument, of a one-hearted theme. + +"I have not written a note, Carl,--that remains to be done, and that +is why I came back so soon, to be undisturbed, and to learn of you; +for you know more about these things than I do,--for instance, how to +arrange a score." + +"Maria, you are not going to write in score? If so, pray wait until +the Chevalier comes back." + +"The Chevalier! as if I should ever plague him about my writing. +Besides, I am most particularly anxious to finish it before any one +knows it is begun." + +"But, Maria, what will you do? I never heard of a woman writing in +score except for exercise; and how will you be pleased to hear it +never once?" + +"Ah! we shall know about that when it is written." + +"Maria, you look very evil,--evil as an elf; but you are pale enough +already. What if this work make you ill?" + +"Nothing ever makes us ill that we like to do, only what we like to +have. I acknowledge, Carl, that it might make me ill if this symphony +were to be rehearsed, with a full band, before the Chevalier. But as +nothing of that kind can happen, I shall take my own way." + +"A symphony, Maria? The Chevalier says that the symphony is the +highest style of music, and that none can even attempt it but the most +formed, as well as naturally framed musicians." + +"I should think I knew that; but it is not in me to attempt any but +the highest effect. I would rather fail there than succeed in an +inferior. The structure of the symphony is quite clear to my +brain,--it always has been so; for I believe I understand it +naturally, though I never knew why until now. Carl, a woman has never +yet dared anything of the kind, and if I wait a few years longer I +must give it up entirely. If I am married, my thoughts will not make +themselves ready, and now they haunt me." + +"Maria, do _not_ write! Wait, at least, until Anastase returns, and +ask his own advice." + +"Carl, I never knew you cold before,--what is it? As if Florimond +could advise me! Could I advise him how to improve his present method? +and why should I wait? I shall not expose myself; it is for myself +alone." + +"Maria, this is the reason. You do look so fixed and strange, even +while you talk about it, that I think you will do yourself some +harm,--that is all; you did not use to look so." + +"Am I so frightful, then, Carl?" + +"You are too beautiful, Maria; but your eyes seem to have no sleep in +them." + +"They have not had, and they will not have until I have completed this +task the angel set me." + +"Oh, Maria! you are thinking of the Chevalier." + +"I was not; I was thinking of St. Cecilia. If the Chevalier had +ordered me to make a symphony, I should to everlasting have remained +among the dunces." + +I often, often lament, most sadly, that I am obliged to form her words +into a foreign mould, almost at times to fuse them with my own +expression; but the words about the angel were exactly her own, and I +have often remembered them bitterly. + +"You will find it very hard to write without any prospect of +rehearsal, Maria." + +"I can condense it, and so try it over; but I am certain of hearing it +in my head, and that is enough." + +"You will not think so still when it is written. How did it first +occur to you?" + +"In a moment, as I tell you, Carl, while the violin tones, hot as +stars that are cold in distance, were dropping into my heart. The +subjects rose in Alps before me. I both saw and heard them; there were +vistas of sound, but no torrents; it was all glacier-like,--death +enfolding life." + +"What shall you call it, Maria?" + +"No name, Carl. Perhaps I shall give it a name when it shall be really +finished; but if it is to be what I expect, no one would remember its +name on hearing it." + +"Is it so beautiful, then, Maria?" + +"To my fancy, _most_ beautiful, Carl." + +"That is like the Chevalier." + +"He has written, and knows what he has written; but I do not believe +he has ever felt such satisfaction in any work as I in this." + +"I think in any one else it would be dreadfully presumptuous,--in you +it is ambitious, I believe; but I have no fear about your succeeding." + +"Thank you, Carl, nor I. Will you stay here with me and help me?" + +"No, Maria, for you do not want help, and I should think no one could +write unless alone. But I will prevent any one else from coming." + +"No one else will come; but if you care to stay here, Carl, I can +write in my room, and you, as you said you have set yourself certain +tasks, can work in this one. I am very selfish I am afraid, for I feel +pleasantly safe when you are near me. I think, Carl, you must have +been a Sunday-child." + +"No, Maria; I was born upon a Friday, and my mother was in a great +fright. Shall you write this evening?" + +"I must go out and buy some paper." + + + + +CHAPTER VII. + + +We dined together, and then walked. I cannot record Maria's +conversation, for her force now waned, and I should have had to +entertain myself but for the unutterable entertainment at all times to +me of a walk. She bought enough paper to score a whole opera had she +been so disposed; and her preparations rather scared me on her +account. For me, I returned to Cecilia to inform our powers why I +should absent myself, and where remain; and when I came back with +"books and work" of my own, she was very quietly awaiting me for +supper, certainly not making attempts, either dread or ecstatic, at +present. I was, indeed, anxious that if she accomplished her +intentions at all, it should be in the vacation, as she studied so +ardently at every other time; and it was this anxiety that induced me +to leave her alone the next day and every morning of that week. I knew +nothing of what she did meanwhile, and as I returned to Cecilia every +night for sleep, I left her ever early, and heard not a note of her +progress; whether she made any or not remaining at present a secret. + +We reassembled in February. At our first meeting, which was a very +festive banquet, our nominal head and the leading professors gave us +an intimation that the examinations would extend for a month, and +would begin in May, when the results would be communicated to the +Chevalier Seraphael, who would be amongst us again at that time, and +distribute the prizes after his own device, also confer the +certificates upon those who were about to leave the school. I was not, +of course, in this number, as the usual term of probation was three +years in any specific department, and six for the academical +course,--the latter had been advised for me by Davy, and acceded to by +my mother. I gave up at present nearly my whole time to mastering the +mere mechanism of my instrument, and had no notion of trying for any +prize at all. I believe those of my contemporaries who aspired thus +were very few at all, and Marc Iskar being among them had the effect +upon me of quenching the slight fever of a desire I might have had so +to distinguish myself. It struck me that Maria should try for the +reward of successful composition; but she was so hurt, and looked so +white when I alluded to it, that it was only once I did so. As to her +proceedings, whatever they were, the most perfect calm pervaded them, +and also her. I scarcely now heard her voice in speech; though it was +spoken aloud by Spoda, and no longer whispered, that she would very +soon be fit for the next initiation into a stage career, or its +attendant and inductive mysteries. One evening I went to see her +expressly to ascertain whether she would really leave us, and I asked +her also about her intentions. + +"Carl," she said, "I wish I had any. I don't really care what they do +with me, though I wish to be able to marry as soon as possible. I +believe I am to study under Mademoiselle Venelli at Berlin when I +leave Cecilia. She teaches declamation and that style." + +"Maria, you are very cool about it. I suppose you don't mind a bit +about going." + +"I should break my heart about it if I did not know I must go one day, +and that the sooner I go the sooner I shall return,--to all I want, +at least. But I have it not in my power to say I will do this, or will +not have that, as it is my brother who educates me, and to whom I am +indebted." + +"If you go, Maria, I shall not see you for years and years." + +"You will not mind that after a little time." + +"Maria, I have never loved to talk to any one so well." + +"If that is the only reason you are sorry, I am very glad I go." + +She smiled as she spoke, but not a happy smile. I could see she was +very sad, and, as it were, at a distance from her usual self. + +"Maria, you have not told me one word about the symphony." + +"You did not ask me." + +"Were you so proud, then? As if I was not dying to see it, to hear it; +for, Maria, don't tell me you would be contented without its being +heard." + +"I am not contented at all, Carl. I am often +discontented,--particularly now." + +"About Anastase? Does not Anastase approve of your writing?" + +"He knows nothing of it. I would not tell him for a world; nor, Carl, +would you." + +"I don't know. I would tell him if it would do you any good, even +though you disliked me to do so." + +"Thanks; but it would do me no good. Florimond is poor: he could not +collect an orchestra; and proud: he would not like me to be laughed +at." + +"Then what is it, Maria?" + +"Carl, you know I am not vain." + +I laughed, but answered nothing; it was too absurd a position. + +"Well, I am dying of thirst to hear my first movement, which is +written, and which is that sight to my eyes that my ears desire it to +the full as much as they. The second still lingers,--it will not be +invoked. I could, if I could calculate the effect of the first, +produce a second equal to it, I know. But as it is yet in my brain, it +will not give place to another." + +"You have tried it upon the piano,--try it for me." + +"No, I cannot, Carl. It is nothing thus; and, strange to say, though I +have written it, I cannot play it." + +"I can believe that." + +"But no one else would, Carl; and therefore it must be folly for me to +have undertaken this writing,--for we are both children, and I suppose +must remain so, after all." + +It struck me that the melancholy which poured that pale mask upon her +face was both natural and not unnecessary,--I even delighted in it; +for a thought, almost an idea, flashed straight across my brain, and +lighted up the future, that was still to remain my own, although that +dazzle was withdrawn. I knew what to do now, though I trembled lest I +should not find the way to do it. + +"So, Maria, you are not going to finish it just now. Suppose you lend +it to me for a little. I should like to examine it, and it will do me +good." + +"Carl, it is not sufficiently scientific to do you good, but I wish +you would take it away, for if I keep it with me, I shall destroy it; +and I shall like it to remain until some day, when God has taught me +more than in myself I know, or than I can learn of men." + +"I will take the greatest care of it, Maria," I said, almost fearing +it to be a freak on her part that she suffered my possession, or that +she might withdraw it. "You will ask me for it when you want it; and, +Maria, I have heard it said that it is a good thing to let your +compositions lie by, and come to them with a fresh impression." + +"That is exactly what I think. You see with me, Carl, that all which +has to do with music is not music now." + +"I think that there is less of the world in music than in anything +else, even in poetry, Maria. But, of course, music must itself fall +short of our ideas of it; and I daresay you found that your beautiful +feelings would not change themselves into music exactly as beautiful +as they were. I know very little music yet, Maria, but I never found +_any_ that did not disappoint my feeling about it when I was hearing +it, except the Chevalier's." + +"That is it, Carl. What am I to endeavor, after anything that he has +accomplished? But I feel that if I could not produce the very highest +musical work in the very highest style, I would not produce any, and +would rather die." + +"I cannot understand that; I would rather worship than be worshipped." + +"I would not. I cannot tell why, but I have a feeling, which will not +let me be content with proving what has gone before me. Dearly as I +love Florimond, he could not put this feeling out of me. I am not +content to be an actress. There have been actresses who were queens, +and some few angels. I know my heart is pure in its desires, and I +should have no objection to reign. But it must be over a new kingdom. +No woman has ever yet composed." + +"Oh, yes, Maria!" + +"I say no to you, Carl,--not as I mean. I mean no woman has been +supreme among men, as the Chevalier among musicians. I have often +wondered why. And I feel--at least, I did feel--that I could be so, +and do this. But I feel it no longer,--it has passed. Carl, I am very +miserable and cast down." + +I could easily believe it, but I was too young to trust to my own +decision. Had Clara been speaking, I should have implicitly relied, +for she always knew herself. But Maria was so wayward, so fitful, and +of late so peculiar that I dared not entertain that confidence in her +genius which was yet the strongest presentiment that had ever taken +hold upon me. I carried away the score, which I had folded up while +she had spoken; and I shall never forget the half-forlorn, +half-wistful look with which she followed it in my arms as I left her. +But I dared not stay, for fear she should change her mind; and +although I would fain have entered into her heart to comfort her, I +could not even try. I was in a breathless state to see that score, but +not much came to my examination. The sheets were exquisitely written, +the manner of Seraphael being exactly imitated, or naturally +identical,--the very noting of a fac-simile, as well as the autograph. +It was styled, "First Symphony," and the key was F minor. But the +composition was so full and close as to swamp completely my childish +criticism. I thought it appeared all right, and very, very wonderful; +but that was all. I wrapped it in one of my best silk handkerchiefs, +to keep it from the dust, and laid it away in my box, together with my +other treasures from home, which ever reposed there; and then I +returned to my work, but certainly more melancholy than I had ever +remembered myself in life. + +In March, one day, Maria stayed from school; but her brother Joseph +brought me from her a message. She was indisposed, or said to be so, +and begged me to go and see her. There was no difficulty in doing so, +but I was surprised that Anastase should not be with her, or at least +that he should appear, as he did, so unconcerned. When I expressed my +regret to Joseph Cerinthia, he added that she was only in bed for a +cold. I was both pleased and flattered that she had sent for me, but +still could not comprehend it, as she was so little ill. I ran down, +after the morning, intending to dine with her, or not, I did not care +which. But instead of her being in bed, she was in the parlor. + +"I thought, Maria, you were not up." + +"I was not; and now I am not dressed. Carl, I sent for you to ask for +the manuscript again." + +I looked at her to see whether she meant her request, for it was by no +means easy to say. She looked very brilliant, but had an unusual +darkness round her eyes,--a wide ring of the deepest violet. She +either had wept forth that shadow, or was in a peculiar state. Neither +tears nor smiles were upon her face, and her lips burned with a living +scarlet,--no rose-soft red, as wont. Her hair, fastened under her cap +in long bands, fell here and there, and seemed to have no strength. +She had been drinking _eau sucrée_, for a glass of it was upon the +table, and a few fresh flowers, which she hastened to put away from +her as I entered. I was so much affected by her looks, though no fear +seized me, that I took her hand. It was dry and warm, but very weak +and tremulous. + +"Maria, you were at that garden last night, and danced. I knew how it +would be,--it was too early in the year." + +"I was not at the Spielheim, for when Florimond said none of you were +going from Cecilia, I declined. But no dancing would have made me ill +as I have been; it was nothing to care for, and is now past." + +"Was it cold, then? It seems more like fever." + +"It was neither, or perhaps a little of both. Let me have my score +again, Carl. I need only ask for it, you know, as it is mine." + +"You need not be so proud, Maria. I shall of course return it, but not +unless you promise me to do no more to it just now." + +"Not _just_ now. But I made believe to be ill on purpose that I might +have a day's leisure. I must also copy it out." + +"Maria, you never made believe, for if you _could_ tell a lie, it +would not be for yourself. You _have_ been ill, and I suspect much +that I know how. If you will tell me, I will fetch the score,--that +is, if it is good for you to have it. But I would rather burn it than +that it should hurt you; and I tell you, it all depends upon that." + +"I will tell you, Carl, and more, because it is over now, and cannot +happen again. I was lying in my bed, and heard the clock strike ten. I +thought also that I had heard it rain; so I got up and looked out. +There was no rain, but there were stars; and seeing them, my thoughts +grew bright,--bright as when I imagined that music; and being in the +same mood,--that is, quiet and yet excited, if you can believe in both +together,--I went to my writing. It was all there ready for me; and +Josephine, who always disturbs me, because she talks, was very fast +asleep. It may sound proud, Carlino, but I am certain the Chevalier +was with me,--that he stood behind my chair, and I could not look +round for fear of seeing him. He guided my hand; he thrust out my +ideas,--all grew clear; and I was not afraid, even of a ghost +companion." + +"But the Chevalier is alive and well." + +"And yet, I tell you, his ghost was with me. Well, Carl, I had written +until I could not see, for my lamp went out, and it was not yet light. +I suppose I then fell asleep, for I certainly had a vision." + +"What was that, Maria?" + +"Countless crowds, Carl, first, and then a most horrible whirl and +rush. Then a serene place, gray as morning before the sun, with great +golden organ-pipes, that shot up into and cut through the sky; for +although it was gray beneath, and I seemed to stand upon clouds, it +was all blue over me, and when I looked up, it seemed to return my +gaze. I heard a sound under me, like an orchestra, such as we have +often heard. But _above_, there was another music, and the golden +pipes quivered as if with its trembling; yet it was not the organ that +seemed to speak, and no instrument was there besides. This music did +not interfere with the music of the orchestra,--still playing +onwards,--but it swelled through and through it, and seemed to stretch +like a sky into the sky. Oh, Carl, that I could describe it to you! It +was like all we feel of music,--beyond all we hear, given to us in +hearing." + +She paused. Now a light, quenched in thrilling tears, arose, and +glittered from her eyes. She looked overwrought, seraphic; for though +her hand, which I still held, was not changed or cold, her countenance +told unutterable wonder,--the terrors of the heavenliest enthusiasm, I +knew not how to account for. + +"Maria, dear! I have had quite as strange dreams, and almost as sweet. +It was very natural, but you were very, very naughty all the same. +What did you do when you awoke?" + +"I awoke I don't know how, Carl, nor when; but I resolved to give +into my symphony all that the dream had given me, and I wrote again. +This time I left off, though in a very odd manner. The clock struck +five, and all the people were in the streets. I was cold, which I had +forgotten, and my feet were quite as ice. I was about to turn a leaf +when I shivered and dropped my pen. But when I stooped down to find it +in the early twilight, which, I thought, would help me, I fell upon +the floor. My head was as if fire had burst into it, and a violent +pain came on, that drove me to my bed. I have had such a pain +before,--a little, but very much less; for I believed I could not bear +it. I did fall asleep too, for a long time, and never heard a sound; +and when I arose, I was as well as I need to be, or ever expect. But +as I don't wish to be ill again, I must finish the symphony at once." + +"So you think I shall allow it? No, Maria, it is out of the question; +but I will fetch a doctor for you." + +"Carl, you are a baby. I have seen a doctor in Paris for this very +pain. He can do nothing for it, and says it is constitutional, and +that I shall always be subject to it. Everybody has something they are +subject to,--Florimond has the gout." + +I laughed,--glad to have anything at all to laugh at. + +"I am really well now, Carl,--have had a warm bath, and leeches upon +my temples; everything. The woman here has waited upon me, and has +been very kind; and now I have sent her away, for I do hate to seem +ill and be thought ill." + +"Leeches, Maria?" + +"Oh, that is nothing! I put them on whenever I choose. Did you never +have them on, Carl?" + +"No, never. I had a blister for the measles, because I could not bear +to think about leeches. I did not know people put them on for the +headache." + +"I always do, and so does everybody for such headaches as mine. But +they have taken away the pain, and that is all I care for. They are +little cold creepers, though; and I was glad to pull them off." + +"Show me the marks, Maria." + +She lifted her beautiful soft hair. Those cruel little notches were +some hieroglyph to me of unknown suffering that her face expressed, +though I was too young, and far too ignorant, to imagine of what kind +and import. + +"I promise you, Maria, that if you attempt to write any more, I will +tell Anastase. Or no,--I have thought of something far more clever: I +will make off with the rest at once." + +I had an idea of finding her sheets in her own room; and plunging into +it,--frightening Josephine, who was nursing her doll, into a remote +corner, I gathered all the papers, and folding them together, was +about to rush downstairs without returning to Maria, when she called +upon me so that I dared not help listening. For, "You dare not do it, +Carl!" she cried; "you will kill me, and I shall die now." + +Agonized by her expression, which was not even girl-like, I halted for +an instant at her open door. + +"Then, Maria, if I leave them here, on your honor, will you not touch +them or attempt to write?" + +"It is not your affair, Carl, and I am angry." + +She showed she was angry,--very pale, with two crimson spots, and she +bit her lip almost black. + +"It _is_ my affair, as you told _me_, and not your brother or +Florimond. He or Florimond would not allow it, you know as well as I +do." + +"They should and would. And, pray, why is it I am not to write? I +should say you were jealous, Carl, if you were not Carl. But you have +no right to forbid it, and shall not." + +"I do not know how to express my fear, but I am afraid, and, Maria, I +will not let it be done." + +Lest I should commit myself, I closed the door, stumbled down the dark +staircase, tore through the street, and deposited the sheets with the +others in the box. I am conscious these details are tedious and +oppressive; but they cannot be withheld, because of what I shall have +to touch upon. + +Fearful were the consequences that descended upon my devoted head. I +little expected them, and suffered from them absurdly, child as I was, +and most witless at that time. Maria returned on the following day +week, and looking quite herself, except for those violet shades yet +lingering,--still not herself to me in any sense. She scarcely looked +at me, and did not speak to me at all when I managed to meet her. +Anastase alone seemed conscious that she had been ill. He appeared +unable to rid himself of the impression; for actually during my +lesson, when his custom was to eschew a conventionalism even as a +wrong note, he asked me what had been the matter with her. I told him +I believed a very awful headache, with fever, and that I considered +she had been very ill indeed. I saw his face cloud, though he made +reply all coolness, "You are mistaken, Auchester. It was a cold, which +always produces fever, and often pain." Thus we were all alike +deluded; thus was that motherless one hurried to her Father's house! + +Meantime, silent as I kept myself on the subject of the symphony, it +held me day by day more firmly. I longed almost with suffering for the +season when I should emancipate myself from all my doubts. + + + + +CHAPTER VIII. + + +The season came, and I shall never forget its opening. It was late in +April,--exquisite weather, halcyon, blooming; my memory expands to it +now. From Italy he returned. He came upon us suddenly,--there was no +time to organize a procession, to marshal a welcome chorus; none knew +of his arrival until he appeared. + +We had been rambling in the woods, Franz and I, and were lounging +homewards, laden with wild-flowers and lily bunches. Franz was a kind +creature to me now, and in my loneliness I sought him always. We +heard, even among the moss, a noise of distant shoutings,--nobody +shouted in that spot except our own,--and we hurried homewards. I was +quite faint with expectation, and being very weary, sat down to rest +on one of those seats that everywhere invite in shady places, while +Delemann sped onwards for information. + +Returning, he announced most gleefully, "The Chevalier has arrived; +they are drawing the carriage up the hill." I am ashamed of what I +did. I could not return to Cecilia; I wandered about in the village, +possessed by a vague aspiration that I should see him there, or that +he would espy me: no such thing. + +I came back to supper excited, expectant; he was gone. I deserved it, +and felt I did, for my cowardice; but at the end of supper the head of +the central table, having waited until then, deliberately took from +his deep pocket and presented me with a note, a very tiny note, that +was none the fresher for having lain an hour or two amidst snuff and +"tabac." But this noteling almost set me raving. It was short indeed, +yet honey sweet. + + I am not to find thee here, my Carl, although I came on + purpose. Art not thou still my eldest child? Come to me, + then, to-morrow, it will be thy Sunday, and thy room shall + be ready; also two little friends of thine,--I and he. Do + not forget me. + + Thine, + SERAPHAEL. + +He had made every arrangement for my visit, and I never think of his +kindness in these particulars without being reminded that in +proportion to the power of his genius was it ever beneficently gentle. +I spent such an afternoon as would have been cheaply purchased by a +whole life of solitude; but I must only advert to one circumstance +that distinguished it. + +We were walking upon the lovely terrace amongst bright marbles just +arranged, and dazzling flowers; he was gentle, genial, animated,--I +felt my time was come. I therefore taught myself to say: "Sir, I have +a very, most particular favor to ask of you; it is that you will +condescend to give me your opinion of a piece of music which some one +has written. I have brought it with me on purpose,--may I fetch it? It +is in my hat in the house." + +"By all means, this very moment, Carlomein,--or, no, rather we will go +in-doors together and examine it quietly. It is thine own, of course?" + +"Oh, no, sir! I should have said so directly. It is a young lady's, +and she knows nothing of my bringing it. I stole it from her." + +"Ah! true," he replied, simply; and led me to that beautiful +music-room. I was fain to realize Maria's dream as I beheld those +radiant organ-pipes beneath their glorious arch, that deep-wooded +pianoforte, with its keys, milk-white and satin-soft, recalling me but +to that which was lovelier than her very vision,--the lustrous +presence pervading that luxury of artistic life. Seraphael was more +innocent, more brilliant in behavior at his home than anywhere; the +noble spaces and exquisitely appointed rooms seemed to affect him +merely as secluded warmth affects an exotic flower; he expanded more +fully, fragrantly, in the rich repose. + +At the cedar writing-table he paused, and stood waiting silently while +I fetched the score. As I unfolded it before him I was even more +astonished than ever at the perfection of its appearance; I hesitated +not the least to place it in those most delicate of all delicate +hands. I saw his eyes, that seemed to have drawn into them the very +violet of the Italian heaven, so dark they gleamed through the +down-let lashes, fasten themselves eagerly for an instant upon the +title-sheet, where, after his own fashion, Maria had written her +ancient name, "Cerinthia," only, in the corner; but then he laid the +score, having opened the first page, upon the table, and knelt down +before it, plunging his fingers into the splendid curls of his regal +head, his very brow being buried in their shadow as he bent, bowed, +leaned into the page, and page after page until the end. + +With restless rapidity his hand flashed back the leaves, his eye drank +the spirit of those signs; but he spoke not, stirred not. It seemed to +me that I must not watch him, as I was doing most decidedly, and I +disentangled myself from that revery with a shock. + +I walked to the carved music-stands, the painted music-cases. I +examined the costly manuscripts and olden tomes arrayed on polished +cabinets. I blinded myself with the sunshine streaming through stained +compartments in the windows to the carnation-toned velvet of the +furniture. I peered into the pianoforte, and yearned for it to awaken; +and rested long and rapturously before a mighty marble likeness of the +self-crowned Beethoven. It was garlanded with grapes and vine-leaves +that fondled the wild locks in gracefullest fraternity; it was mounted +upon a pedestal of granite, where also the alabaster fruits and +tendrils clustered, clasping it like frozen summer, and beneath the +bust the own investment glittered,--"Tonkunst's Bacchus."[6] It was no +longer difficult to pass away the time without being troublesome to +myself or Seraphael. I was lost in a triumphant reminiscence that the +stormy brow, the eyes of lightning, the torn heart, the weary soul, +were now heaven's light, heaven's love, its calm, its gladness. For +quite an hour I stood there, so remembering and desiring ever to +remember. And then that sweet, that living voice aroused me. Without +looking up, he said,-- + +"Do you mean to say, Carlomein, that she has had no help here?" + +"Sir, she could have had none; it was all and entirely her own. No one +knew she had written except myself." + +Then in his clearest tones he answered: "It is as I expected. It is +terrible, Carlomein, to think that this work might have perished; and +I embrace thee, Carlomein, for having secured to me its possession." + +"Is it so very good then, sir? Maria was very ignorant about it, and +could not even play it for herself." + +"I daresay not, she has made too full a score." He smiled his sweetest +smile. "But for all that, we will not strike out one note. Why is it +not finished, Carlomein?" + +I might have related the whole story from beginning to end; but his +manner was very regal just now, and I merely said: "I rather think she +was dissatisfied with the first two movements, for although she said +she could finish it, she did not, and I have kept it some time." + +"You should have written to me, Carlomein, or sent it to me; it must +and shall be finished. The work is of Heaven's own. What earthly +inspiration could have taught her strains like these? They are of a +priestess and a prophetess; she has soared beyond us all." + +He arose suddenly; a fixed glow was upon his face, his eyes were one +solemn glory. He came to the piano, he pushed me gently aside, he took +his seat noiselessly, as he began to play. I would not retire. I stood +where I could both see and hear. It was the second movement that first +arrested him. He gave to the white-faced keys a hundred voices. Tone +upon tone was built; the chords grew larger and larger; no other hand +could have so elicited the force, the burden, the breadth of the +orchestral medium, from those faint notes and few. His articulating +finger supplied all needs of mechanism. He doubled and redoubled his +power. + +Never shall I forget it,--the measures so long and lingering, the +modulations so like his own, the very subject moulded from the chosen +key, like sculpture of the most perfect chiselling from a block of the +softest grain,--so appropriate, so masterly. But what pained me +through the loveliness of the conception was to realize the mood +suggesting it,--a plaint of spiritual suffering, a hungering and +thirsting heart, a plea of exhausted sadness. + +He felt it too; for as the weary, yet unreproachful strain fell from +under his music-burdened fingers, he drooped his glorious head as a +lily in the drenching rain, his lips grew grave, the ecstatic smile +was lost, and in his eyes there was a dim expression, though they +melted not to tears. I was sure that Maria had conserved her dream, +for a strange, intermittent accompaniment streamed through the loftier +appeal, and was as a golden mist over too much piercing brightness. + +The movement was very long, and he never spoke all through it, neither +when he had played as far as she had written; but turned back to the +first, as yet untried. + +Again was I forcibly reminded of what I had said on my first +acquaintance with her; she had, without servile intention, caught the +very spirit of Seraphael as it wandered through his compositions, and +imprisoned it in the sympathy of her own. It was as two flowers whose +form is single and the same, but the hues were of different +distribution, and still his own supreme. I cannot describe the first +movement further. I was too young to be astonished, carried away by +the miracle of its consummation under such peculiar circumstances; but +I can remember how completely I felt I might always trust myself in +future when any one should gain such ascendency over my +convictions,--which, by the way, never happened. + +I must not dwell upon that evening,--suffice it to say that I left the +score with the Chevalier; and though he did not tell me so in so many +words, I felt sure he himself would restore it to the writer. + +On Monday evening I was very expectant, and not in vain, for she sent +me a note of invitation,--an attention I had not received from her +since my rebellious behavior. She was alone, and even now writing. She +arose hastily, and for some moments could not command her voice; she +said what I shall not repeat, except that she was too generous as +regarded her late distance, and then she explained what follows. + +"The Chevalier came this morning, and, Carl, I could only send for you +because it is you who have done it all for me, in spite of my +ingratitude; and, alas! I never can repay you. I feel, Carl, now, that +it is better not to have all one wishes for at once; if I had not +waited, the shock would have killed me." + +I looked at her, tried to make out to my sight that she did not, even +now, look as if ready to die; her lips had lost their fever rose, and +were pale as the violets that strewed her eyes. The faint blue threads +of veins on the backs of her hands, the thin polish of those temples +standing clear from her darkest hair,--these things burned upon my +brain and gave me a sickening thrill. I felt, "Can Anastase have seen +her? Can he have known this?" + +I was most of all alarmed at what I myself had done; still, I was +altogether surprised at the renewal of my fears, for on the Saturday +she had not only seemed, but been herself,--her cheeks, her lips, her +brow, all wearing the old healthful radiance. + +"Maria," I exclaimed, "dear Maria, will you tell me why this symphony +makes you ill, or look so ill? You were quite well on Saturday, I +thought, or you may quite believe I should never have done what I +did." + +"Do I look ill, Carl? I do not feel ill, only desperately excited. I +have no headache, and, what is better, no heart-pain now. Do you know +what is to be? I tell you, because you will rejoice that you have done +it. This work is to be finished and to be heard. An orchestra will +return my dream to God." + +"Ah! your dream, Maria,--I thought of that. But shall _I_ hear it, +Maria?" + +"You will play for me, Carl,--and Florimond. Oh! I must not remember +that. And the Chevalier, Carl,--he even entreated, the proud soul, the +divinely missioned, entreated me to perpetuate the work. I can write +now without fear; he has made me free. I feared myself before; now I +only fear him." + +"Maria, what of Anastase? Does he know, and what does he think?" + +"Do not ask me, Carl, for I cannot tell you what he did. He was +foolish, and so was I; but it was for joy on both our parts." + +"You cried then! There is nothing to be ashamed of." + +"We ought to have restrained ourselves when the Chevalier was by. He +must love Florimond now, for he fetched him himself, and told him what +I had done, and was still to do." + +It is well for us that time does not stay,--not grievous, but a +gladsome thought that all we most dread is carried beyond our reach by +its force, and that all we love and long to cherish is but taken that +it may remain, beyond us, to ripen in eternity until we too ripen to +enjoy it. Still, there is a pain, wholly untinctured with pleasure, in +recalling certain of its shocks, re-living them, returning upon them +with memory. + +The most glorious of our days, however, strike us with as troubled a +reminiscence, so that we ought not to complain, nor to desire other +than that the past should rest, as it does, and as alone the dead +beside repose,--in hope. I have brought myself to the recollection of +certain passages in my youth's history simply because there is nothing +more precious than the sympathy, so rare, of circumstance with +passion; nothing so difficult to describe, yet that we so long to +win. + +It is seldom that what happens as chance we would have left unchanged, +could we have passed sentence of our will upon it; but still more +unwonted is it to feel, after a lapse of eventful times, that what +_has_ happened was not only the best, but the only thing to happen, +all things considered that have intervened. This I feel now about the +saddest lesson I learned in my exuberant boyhood,--a lesson I have +never forgotten, and can never desire to discharge from my life's +remembrance. + +Everything prospered with us after the arrangement our friend and lord +had made for Maria. I can only say of my impressions that they were of +the utmost perfectibility of human wishes in their accomplishment, for +she had indeed nothing left to wish for. + +I would fain delineate the singular and touching gratitude she evinced +towards Seraphael, but it did not distribute itself in words; I +believe she was altogether so much affected by his goodness that she +dared not dwell upon it. I saw her constantly between his return and +the approaching examinations; but our intercourse was still and +silent. I watched her glide from room to room at Cecilia, or found her +dark hair sweeping the score at home so calmly--she herself calmer +than the calmest,--calm as Anastase himself. Indeed, to him she +appeared to have transferred the whole impetuousness of her nature; he +was changed also, his kindness to myself warmer than it ever had been; +but from his brow oppressed, his air of agitation, I deemed him verily +most anxious for the result. Maria had not more than a month to work +upon the rest of the symphony and to complete it, as Seraphael had +resolutely resolved that it should be rehearsed before our summer +separation. + +Maria I believe would not have listened to such an arrangement from +any other lips; and Florimond's dissatisfaction at a premature +publicity was such that the Chevalier--autocratic even in granting a +favor, which he must ever grant in his own way--had permitted the +following order to be observed in anticipation. + +After our own morning performance by the pupils only and their +respective masters, the hall would be cleared, the audience and +members should disperse, and only the strictly required players for +the orchestra remain; Seraphael himself having chosen these. Maria was +herself to conduct the rehearsal, and those alone whose assistance she +would demand had received an intimation of the secret of her +authorship. I trembled when the concluding announcement was made to +me, for I had a feeling that she could not be kept too quiet; also, +Anastase, to my manifest appreciation, shared my fear. But Seraphael +was irresistible, especially as Maria had assented, had absorbed +herself in the contemplation of her intentions, even to eagerness, +that they should be achieved. + +Our orchestra was, though small, brilliant, and in such perfect +training as I seldom experienced in England. Our own rehearsals were +concluded by the week before our concert, and there remained rather +less for me to do. Those few days I was inexpressibly wretched,--a +foreboding drowned my ecstatic hopes in dread; they became a constant +effort to maintain, though even everything still smiled around us. + +The Tuesday was our concert morning, and on the Sunday that week I met +Maria as we came from church. She was sitting in the sunlight, upon +one of the graves. Josephine was not near her, nor her brother, only +Florimond, who was behind me, ran and joined her before I beheld that +she beckoned to me. I did hardly like to go forward as they were both +together, but he also made me approach by a very gentle smile. The +broad lime-trees shadowed the church, and the blossoms, unopened, hung +over them in ripest bud; it was one of those oppressively sweet +seasons that remind one--at least me--of the resurrection morning. + +"Sit down by me, Carl," said Maria, who had taken off her gloves, and +was already playing with Florimond's fingers, as if she were quite +alone with him, though the churchyard was yet half filled with people. + +"Maria," I said, sitting down at the foot of a cross that was hung +with faded garlands, "why don't you sit in the shade? It is a very +warm day." + +"So it is very warm, and that is what I like; I am never warm enough +here, and Florimond, too, loves the sun. I could not sit under a tree +this day, everything is so bright; but nothing can be as bright as I +wish it. Carl, I was going to tell Florimond, and I will tell you, +that I feel as if I were too glad to bear what is before me. I did not +think so until it came so very near. I am afraid when I stand up my +heart will fail." + +"Are you frightened, Maria?" I asked in my simplicity. + +"That is not it, though I am also frightened. But I feel as if it were +scarcely the thing for me to do, to stand up and control those of whom +I am not master. Is it not so, Florimond?" + +"Maria, the Chevalier is the only judge; and I am certain you will +not, as a woman, allow your feelings to get the better of you. I have +a great deal more to suffer on your account than you can possibly +feel." + +"I do not see that." + +"It is so, and should be seen by you. If your work should in any +respect fail, imagine what that failure would cost me." + +I looked up in utter indignation, but was disarmed by the expression +of his countenance; a vague sadness possessed it, a certain air of +tender resignation; his hauteur had melted, though his manner retained +its distance. + +"As if it could be a failure!" I exclaimed; "why, we already know how +much it is!" + +"I do not, Auchester, and I am not unwilling to confess my ignorance. +If our symphony even prove worthy of our Cecilia, I shall still be +anxious." + +"Why, Florimond?" she demanded, wistfully. + +"On account of your health. You know what you promised me." + +"Not to write for a year. That is easy to say." + +"But not so easy to do. You make every point an extreme, Maria." + +"I cannot think what you mean about my health." + +"You cannot?" + +She blushed lightly and frowned a shade. "I have told you, Florimond, +how often I have had that pain before." + +"And you told me also what they said." + +His tones were now so grave that I could not bear to conjecture their +significance. He went on. + +"I do not consider, Maria, that for a person of genius it is any +hardship to be discouraged from too much effort, especially when the +effect will become enhanced by a matured experience." + +"You are very unkind, Florimond." + +Indeed, I thought so, too. + +"I only care to please you." + +"No, Maria, you had not a thought of me in writing." + +"And yet you yourself gave me the first idea. But you are right; I +wrote without reference to any one, and because I burned to do so." + +"And you burn less now for it? Tell me that." + +"I do not burn any longer, I weary for it to be over; I desire to hear +it once, and then you may take it away, and I will never see it any +more." + +"That is quite as unnatural as the excessive desire,--to have fatigued +of what you loved. But, Maria, I trust this weariness of yours will +not appear before the Chevalier, after all his pains and interest." + +"I hope so too, Florimond; but I do not know." + +It did not. The next day the Chevalier came over to Cecilia, and slept +that night in the village. The tremendous consequence of the next +twenty-four hours might almost have erased, as a rolling sea, all +identical remembrance; and, indeed, it has sufficed to leave behind it +what is as but a picture once discerned, and then forever +darkened,--the cool, early romance of the wreaths and garlands (for we +all rose at dawn to decorate the entrance, the corridors, the hall, +the reception-room), the masses of May-bloom and lilies that arrived +with the sun; the wild beauty overhanging everything; the mysterious +freshness I have mentioned, or some effects just so conceived, before. + +I myself adorned with laurels and lilies the conductor's desk, and the +whole time as much in a dream as ever when asleep,--at all events I +could even realize less. Maria was not at hand, nor could I see her, +she breakfasted alone with Anastase; and although I shall never know +what happened between them that morning, I have ever rejoiced that she +did so. + +When our floral arrangements were perfected I could not even criticise +them. I flew to my bed and sat down upon it, holding my violin, my +dearest, in my arms; there I rested, perhaps slept. Strange thoughts +were mine in that short time, which seemed immeasurably +lengthening,--most like dreams, too, those very thoughts, for they +were all rushing to a crisis. I recalled my cue, however, and what +that alarming peal of a drum meant, sounding through the avenues of +Cecilia. + +As we ever cast off things behind, my passion could only hold upon the +future. I was but, with all my speed, just in time to fall into +procession with the rest. The chorus first singing, the band in the +midst, behind, our professors in order, and on either side our own +dark lines the female pupils,--a double streak of white. I have not +alluded to our examinations, with which, however, I had had little +enough to do. But we all pressed forward in contemporaneous state, and +so entered the antechamber of the hall. It was the most purely +brilliant scene I ever saw, prepared under the eye of the masters in +our universal absence; I could recognize but one taste, but one eye, +one hand, in that blending of all deep with all most dazzling +flower-tints. + +One double garland, a harp in a circle,--the symbol of immortal +harmony,--wrought out of snowy roses and azure ribbons, hung exactly +above the table; but the table was itself covered with snowy damask, +fold upon fluted fold, so that nothing, whatever lay beneath it, could +be given to the gaze. + +Through the antechamber to the decorated hall we passed, and then a +lapse of music half restored me to myself,--only half, despite the +overture of his, with choral relief, with intersong, that I had never +heard before, and that he had written only for us: despite his +presence, his conducting charm. + +In little more than an hour we returned, pell-mell now, just as we +pleased, notwithstanding calls to order and the pulses of the +measuring voices. Just then I found myself by Maria. Through that +sea-like resonance she whispered,-- + +"Do not be surprised, Carl, if the Chevalier presents you with a +prize." + +"I have not tried for one, Maria." + +"I know that, but he will nevertheless distinguish you, I am certain +of it." + +"I hope not. Keep near me, Maria." + +"Yes, surely, if I can; but oh, Carl, I am glad to be near you! Is +that a lyre above the table? for I can scarcely see." + +She was, as I expected, pale,--not paler than ever; for it was very +long since she had been paler than any one I ever saw, except the +Chevalier. But his was as the lustre of the whitest glowing +fire,--hers was as the light of snow. She was all pale except her +eyes, and that strange halo she had never lost shone dim as the +darkliest violets, a soft yet awful hue. I had replied to her question +hurriedly, "Yes; and it must have taken all the roses in his garden." +And last of all, she said to me, in a tone which suggested more +suffering than all her air: "I wish I were one of those roses." + +The table, when the rich cover was removed, presented a spectacle of +fascination scarcely to be appreciated except by those immediately +affected. Masses of magnificently bound volumes, painted and carved +instrument-cases, busts and portraits of the hierarchy of music, lay +together in according contrast. For, as I have not yet mentioned, the +Chevalier had carried out his abolition of the badges to the utmost; +there was not a medal to be seen. But these prizes were beyond the +worth of any medal, each by each. One after another left the table in +those delicate hands, wafted to its fortunate possessor by a +compliment more delicate still, and I fancied no more remained. + +Maria still stood near me; and as the moments flew, a stillness more +utter than I could have imagined pervaded her, a marbled quietness +crept over every muscle; and as I met her exquisite countenance in +profile, with the eyes downward and fixed, and not an eyelash +stirring, she might have been the victim of despair, or the genius of +enraptured hope. + +I saw that the Chevalier had proceeded to toss over and over the +flowers which had strewn the gifts,--as if it were all, also, over +now,--and he so long continued to trifle with them that I felt as if +he saw Maria, and desired to attract from her all other eyes, for he +talked the whole time lightly, laughingly, with an air of the most +ravishing gayety, to those about him, and to every one except +ourselves. + +In a few minutes, which appeared to be a very hour, he gathered up, +with a handful of flowers that he let slip through his fingers +directly, something which he retained in his hand, and which it now +struck me that he had concealed, whatever it was, by that flower-play +of his all along; for it was even diffidently, certainly with reserve +of some kind, that he approached us last, as we stood together and did +not stir. + +"These," said he to me in a voice that just trembled, though aërially +joyous, "are too small to make speeches about; but in memory of +several secrets we have between us, I hope you will sometimes wear +them." + +He then looked full at Maria; but she responded not even to that +electric force that is itself the touch of light,--her eyes still +downcast, her lips unmoved. He turned to me, and softly, seriously, +yet half surprised, as it were, shook his head, placing in her hand +the first of the unknown caskets he had brought, and the other in my +own. She took it without looking up, or even murmuring her thanks; +still, immediately as he returned to the table, I forced it from her, +feeling it might and ought to occasion a revulsion of sensation, +however slight. + +It succeeded so far as that she gazed, still bending downwards, upon +what I held in my own hand now, and exhibited to her. It was a +full-blown rose of beaten silver, white as snow, without a leaf, but +exquisitely set upon a silver stem, and having upon one of its broad +petals a large dewdrop of the living diamond. + +I opened my own strange treasure then, having resigned to her her own. +This was a breastpin of purest gold, with the head--a great violet cut +from a single amethyst--as perfectly executed as hers. I thrust it +into my pocket, for I could not at that instant even rejoice in its +possession. And now soon, very soon, the flower-lighted space was +cleared, and we, the chosen few, alone remained. + +My heart felt as if it could only break, so violent was the pulse that +shook it. I knew that I must make an effort transcending all, or I +should lose my power to handle the bow; and at least I achieved +composure of behavior. Anastase, I can remember, came to me; he +touched my hand, and as if he longed, with all loosened passion, for +something like sympathy, looked into my very eyes. I could scarcely +endure that gaze,--it was inquisitive to scrutiny, yet dim with +unutterable forecast. + +The flowers in the concert-hall were already withering when, after a +short separation for refreshment, we returned there, and were shut in +safely by the closed doors from the distant festal throng. + +It was a strange sight, those deserted seats in front, where now none +rested saving only the Chevalier, who, after hovering amidst the +orchestra until all the ranks were filled, had descended, as was +arranged, into the void space, that he might be prepared to criticise +the performance. He did not seem much in the mood for criticism; his +countenance was lightening with excitement, his eyes burned like stars +brought near: that hectic fire, that tremulous blaze were both for +her. + +As he retreated, and folding his slender arms and raising his glorious +head, still stood, Maria entered with Anastase. Florimond led her +forward in her white dress, as he had promised himself to lead her +captive on the day of her espousals; neither hurried nor abashed, she +came in her virgin calm, her virgin paleness. But as they stood for +one moment at the foot of the orchestra, he paused, arrested her, his +hand was raised; and in a moment, with a smile whose tenderness for +that moment triumphed, he had placed the silver rose in her dark hair, +where it glistened, an angelic symbol to the recognition of every one +present. She did not smile in return, nor raise her eyes, but mounted +instantly and stood amidst us. + +I had no idea, until, indeed, she stood there, a girl amidst +us,--until she appeared in that light of which she herself was +light,--how very small she was, how slightly framed; every emotion was +articulated by the fragility of her form as she stirred so calmly, +silently. The bright afternoon from many windows poured upon the +polish of her forehead, so arched, so eminent; but, alas! upon the +languors also that had woven their awful mists around her eyes. Her +softly curling lips spoke nothing now but the language of sleep in +infancy, so gently parted, but not as in inspiration. As she raised +that arm so calmly, and the first movement came upon me, I could not +yet regard her, nor until a rest occurred. Then I saw her the same +again, except that her eyes were filled with tears, and over all her +face that there was a shadow playing as from some sweeping solemn +wing, like the imagery of summer leaves that trembles upon a moonlit +grass. + +Only once I heard that music, but I do not remember it, nor can call +upon myself to describe it. I only know that while in the full +thrilling tide of that first movement I was not aware of playing, or +how I played, though very conscious of the weight upon my heart and +upon every instrument. Even Anastase, next whom I stood, was not +himself in playing. I cannot tell whether the conductress were herself +unsteady, but she unnerved us all, or something too near unnerved +us,--we were noiselessly preparing for that which was at hand. + +At the close of the movement a rushing cadence of ultimate rapidity +broke from the stringed force, but the wind flowed in upon the final +chords; they waned, they expanded, and at the simultaneous pause she +also paused. Then strangely, suddenly, her arm fell powerless, her +paleness quickened to crimson, her brow grew warm with a bursting +blood-red blush,--she sank to the floor upon her side silently as in +the south wind a leaf just flutters and is at rest; nor was there a +sound through the stricken orchestra as Florimond raised her and +carried her from us in his arms. + +None moved beside, except the Chevalier, who, with a gaze that was as +of one suddenly blinded, followed Anastase instantaneously. We +remained as we stood, in a suspense that I, for one, could never have +broken. Poor Florimond's violin lay shattered upon the floor, the +strings shivered, and yet shuddering; the rose lay also low. None +gathered either up, none stirred, nor any brought us word. I believe I +should never have moved again if Delemann, in his living kindness, had +not sped from us at last. + +He, too, was long away,--long, long to return; nor did he, in +returning, re-enter the orchestra. He beckoned to me from the screen +of the antechamber. I met him amidst the glorious garlands, but I made +way to him I know not how. That room was deserted also, and all who +had been there had gone. Whither? Oh! where might they now remain? +Franz whispered to me, and of his few, sad words--half hope, half +fear, all anguish--I cannot repeat the echo. But it is sufficient for +all to remind myself how soon the hope had faded, after few, not many +days; how the fear passed with it, but not alone. Yet, whatever +passed, whatever faded, left us love forever,--love, with its dear +regrets, its infinite expectations! + +FOOTNOTE: + +[6] The Bacchus of Music. + + + + +CHAPTER IX. + + +Twelve years of after-life cannot but weigh lighter in the balance of +recollection than half that number in very early youth. I think this +now, pondering upon the threshold of middle age with an enthusiasm +fixed and deepened by every change; but I did not think so the day to +which I shall defer my particular remembrances,--the day I had left +Germany forever,--except in dreams. There were other things I might +have left behind that now I carried to my home,--things themselves all +dreams, yet containing in their reminiscences the symbols of my every +reality. Eternity alone could contain the substance of those shadows; +that shore we deem itself to shadow, alone contains the resolution +into glory of all our longings, into peace of all our pain. + +Such feelings, engendered by loneliness, took me by the very hand and +led me forwards that dreary December evening when I landed in England +last, having obtained all that was absolutely necessary to be made my +own abroad. + +I have not tormented my reader or two with the most insignificant +mention of myself between this evening and a time some years before; +it would have been impracticable, or, if practicable, impertinent, as +I lived those after years entirely within and to myself. The sudden +desertion which had stricken Cecilia of her hero lord, and that +suspension of his presence which ensued, had no more power upon me +than to call out what was, indeed, demanded of me under such +circumstances,--all the persistency of my nature. And if even there +had been a complete and actual surrender of all her privileges by +professors and pupils, I should have been the last to be found there, +and I think that I should have played to the very empty halls until +ruin hungered for them and we had fallen together. As it happened, +however, my solitude was more actual than any I could have provided +for myself; my spirit retreated, and to music alone remained either +master or slave. + +The very representative of music was no longer such to me; for when we +came together after that fatal midsummer no sign was left of +Anastase,--"a new king had arisen in Egypt, who knew not Joseph." To +him I ought, perhaps, to confess that I owed a good deal, but I cannot +believe it,--I am fain to think I should have done as well alone; but +there was that in the association and habitude of the place, that in +the knowledge of being still under the superintendence, however formal +and abstracted, of its head, that I could not, and would not, have +flung up the chances of its academical career. + +It was, however, no effort to disengage myself from the spot, for any +notion of the presence of him I best loved was, alas! now, and had +been long, entirely dissociated from it. Not one smile from those fair +lips, not one ray from those awful eyes, had sunned the countenances +of the ever-studious throng. A monastery could not have been more +secluded from the incarnate presence of the Deity than were we in that +quiet institution from its distant director. + +Let it not be imagined, at the same time, that we could have existed +in ignorance of that influence which was streaming--an "eastern +star"--through the country that contained him as a light of life, +which in the few fleeting years of my boyhood had garnered such +illustrious immortality for one scarcely past his own first youth. But +in leaving Germany I was leaving neither the name nor the fame of +Seraphael, except to meet them again where they were dearer yet and +brighter than in their cradle-land. + +None could estimate--and, young as I yet was, I well knew it--the +proportion of the renown his early works had gained in this strange +country. The noblest attribute of race, the irresistible conception of +the power of race, had scarcely then received a remote encouragement, +though physiologists abounded; but, like our artists, they lacked an +ideal, or, like our politicians, "a man." + +Still, whether people knew it or not, they insensibly worshipped the +perfect beauty whose development was itself music, and whose +organization, matchless and sublimated, was but the purest type of +that human nature on which the Divine One placed his signet, and which +he instituted by sharing, the nearest to his own. Those who did know +it, denied it in the face of their rational conviction, because it was +so hard to allow that to be a special privilege in which they can bear +no earthly part; for all the races of the earth cannot tread down one +step of that race, nor diminish in each millennium its spiritual +approximation to an everlasting endurance. Or, perhaps, to do them +justice, the very conviction was as dark to them as that of death, +which all must hold, and so few care to remind themselves of. At all +events, it was yet a whisper--and a whisper not so universally wafted +as whispers in general are--that Seraphael was of unperverted Hebrew +ancestry, both recognizant of the fact and auspicious in its +entertainment. + +Many things affected me as changes when I landed at London Bridge, +for I had not been at home for three whole years, and was not prepared +to meet such changes, though aware of many in myself. + +I cannot allude to any now, except the railway, which was the first I +had seen, and whose line to our very town, almost to our very house, +had been not six months completed. I shall never forget the effect, +nor has it ever left me when I travel; I cannot find it monotonous, +nor anything but marvel. It was certainly evening when I entered the +stupendous terminus, and nothing could have so adapted itself to the +architecture as the black-gray gloom, lamp-strung, streaming with +gas-jets. + +Such gloom breathed deadly cold, presaging the white storm or the +icing wind; and it was the long drear line itself that drew my spirit +forth, as itself lonely to bask in loneliness, such weird, wild +insecurity seemed hovering upon the darkened distance, such a dream of +hopeless achievement seemed the space to be overpassed that awful +evening. As I walked along the carriage-line I felt this, although the +engine-fire glowed furiously, and it spit out sparks in bravery; but +the murmur of exhaustless power prevented my feeling in full force +what that power must really be. + +It was not until we rolled away and left the lamps in their ruddy sea +behind us, had lost ourselves far out in the dark country, had begun +to rush into the very arms of night, that I could even bear to +remember how little people had told me of what steam-travelling by +land would prove in my experience. It seemed to me as if I, too, ought +to have changed, and to carry wings; the spirit pined for an +enfranchisement of its own as peculiar, and recalled all painfully +that its pinings were in vain. + +A thousand chapters have been expended upon the delights of return to +home, and a thousand more will probably insure for themselves laudable +publicity. I should be an all-ungrateful wretch if I refused my single +_Ave_ at that olden shrine. I cannot quite forget, either, that none +of my wildest recollections out-dazzled its near brightness as I +approached; the poetic isolation of my late life, precious as it was +in itself, and inseparable from my choicest appreciation, seeming but +to enhance the genial sweetness of the reality in my reception. + +Long before I arrived in that familiar parlor a presence awaited me +which had ever appeared to stand between my actual and my ideal +world,--it was that of my brother and earliest friend, dear Lenhart +Davy, who had walked out into the winter night expressly and entirely +to meet me, and who was so completely unaged, unchanged, and unalloyed +that I could but wonder at the freshness of the life within him, until +I remembered the fountains where it fed. He was as bright, as earnest, +as in the days of my infant faith; but there was little to be said +until we arrived at home. + +Cold as was the season, and peculiarly susceptible as our family has +ever been to cold, the street-door positively stood ajar! and hiding +behind it was Margareth, oblivious of rheumatism and frost, to receive +her nursling. When she had pronounced upon my growth her enchanted +eulogy that I was taller than ever and more like myself, I was dragged +into the parlor by Davy, and found them all, the bloom of the +firelight restoring their faces exactly as I had left them. My mother, +as I told her, looked younger than myself,--which might easily be the +case, as I believe I was born grown up,--and Clo was very handsome in +her fashion, wearing the old pictorial raiment. My sister Lydia had +lately received preferment, and introduced me on the instant to her +prospects,--a gentlemanly individual upon the sofa, who had not even +concluded his college career, but was in full tilt for high +mathematical honors at that which I have heard called Oxford's rival, +but upon whose merit as a residence and Academe celestial I am not +competent to sit in judgment. + +These worthies dismissed, I was at liberty to spend myself upon the +most precious of the party. They were Millicent and her baby, which +last I had never seen,--a lady of eighteen months, kept thus late out +of her cradle that she, too, might greet her uncle. She was a +delicious child,--I have never found her equal,--and had that +indescribable rarity of appearance which belongs, or we imagine it to +belong, to an only one. Carlotta--so they had christened her after +unworthy me--was already calling upon my name, to the solemn ecstasy +of Davy, and his wife's less sustained gratification. + +I have never really seen such a sight as that sister and brother of +mine, with that only child of theirs. When we drew to the table, +gloriously spread for supper, and my mother, in one of her +old-fashioned agonies, implored for Carlotta to be taken upstairs, +Davy, perfectly heedless, brought her along with him to his chair, +placed on his knee and fed her, fostered her till she fell asleep and +tumbled against his shoulder, when he opened his coat-breast for her +and just let her sleep on,--calling no attention to her beauties in so +many words, certainly, but paying very little attention to anything +else; and at last, when we all retired, carrying her away with him +upstairs, where I heard him walking up and down his room, with a +hushing footstep, long after I had entered mine. + +It was not until the next morning that I was made fully aware of +Davy's position. After breakfast, as soon as the sun was high enough +to prepare the frosty atmosphere for the reception of the baby, I +returned with Millicent and himself to their own home. I had been +witness to certain improvements in that little droll house, but a +great deal more had been done since my last visit. + +For example, there was a room downstairs, built out, for the books, +which had accumulated too many; and over this room had Davy designed a +very sweet green-house, to be approached from the parlor itself. The +same order overlaid everything; the same perfume of cleanliness +permeated every corner; and it was just as well this was the case, so +jammed and choked up with all sorts of treasures and curiosities were +the little landing-place, the tiny drawing-room, the very bed-room and +_a half_, as Davy called my own little closet, with the little carven +bed's head. Everywhere his shadow, gliding and smiling silently, +though at the proper time she had plenty to say too, came Millicent +after him. Nor was the baby ever far behind; for at the utmost +distance might be glimpsed a nest of basket-work, lined with +blush-color, placed on a chair or two among the geraniums and myrtles, +and in that basket the baby lay; while her mamma, who only kept one +servant, made various useful and ornamental progresses through the +house. + +While Davy was at home, however, Carlotta was never out of his arms, +or, at least, off his lap; she had learned to lie quite quiescently +across his knees while he wrote or read, making no more disturbance +than a dove would have done. I believe he was half-jealous because +when I took her she did not cry, but began to put her fingers into my +eyes and to carry my own fingers to her mouth. This morning we had her +between us when we began to talk, and it was with his eyes upon her +that Davy first said,-- + +"Well, Charles, you have told me nothing of your plans yet; I suppose +they are hardly formed." + +"Oh, yes! quite formed,--at least as formed as they can be without +your sanction. You know what you wrote to me about,--your last +letter?" + +"You received that extemporaneous extravaganza, then, Charles,--which +I afterwards desired I had burned?" + +"I take that as especially unkind on your part, as I could not but +enter with the most eager interest into every line." + +"Not unkind, though I own it was a little cowardly. I felt rather awed +in submitting my ideas to you when you were at the very midst of music +in its most perfect exposition." + +"Oh! I did not quite discover that, Lenhart. There are imperfections +everywhere, and will be, in such a mixed multitude as of those who +press into the service of what is altogether perfect." + +"The old story, Charlie." + +"Rather the new one. I find it every day placed before me in a +stronger light; but it has not long held even with me. How very little +we can do, even at the utmost, and how very hard we must labor even to +do that little!" + +"I am thankful to hear you say so, Charles, coming fresh from the +severities of study; but we are some few of us in the same mind." + +"Then let us hold together; and this brings me to my purpose. I am not +going to settle in London, Lenhart,--that is a mistake of yours. I +will never leave you while I can be of any use." + +"Leave me, Charlie? Ah! would that I could cherish the possibility of +your remaining here! But with your power and your promise of success, +who would not blame those who should prevent your appearance in +London?" + +"I will never make my appearance anywhere, my dearest brother,--at +least not as you intend. I could have no objection to play anywhere if +I were wanted, and if any one cared to hear me; but I will never give +up the actual hold I have on this place. As much may be done here as +anywhere else, and more, I am certain, than in London. There is more +room here,--less strain and stress; and, once more, I will not leave +you." + +"But how, my Charlie,--in what sense?" + +"I will work along with you, and for you, while I work for myself. I +am young, very young, and, I daresay, very presumptuous in believing +myself equal to the task; but I should wish, besides being resident +professor, to devote myself especially to the organization of that +band of which you wrote, and which in your letter you gave me to +understand it is your desire to amalgamate with your class. You do not +see, Lenhart, that, young as I am, nothing could give me a position +like this, and that if I fail, I can but return to a less ambitious +course." + +"There is no course, Charles, that I do not consider you equal to; but +I cannot reconcile it with my conscience to bind you to a service so +signal for my own sake,--it is a mere sketch of a Spanish castle I had +reared in an idle hour." + +"We will raise a sure fame on solid foundations, Lenhart, and I do not +care about fame for its own sake. After all, you cannot, with your +musical electicism, prefer me to become mixed up in the horrible +struggle for precedence which, in London, degrades the very nature of +art, and renders its pursuit a misnomer." + +"You have not given up one of your old prejudices, Charles." + +"No, Davy. I feel we can do more acting together than either +separately, for the cause we love best and desire to serve. You know +me well, and that, whatever I have learned in my life abroad, no taste +is so dear to me as yours,--no judgment I should follow to the death +so gladly. Besides all the rest, which is made up of a good deal more +than one can say, I could never consent, as an instrumentalist, and as +holding that instrument to be part of myself, to infect my style with +whims and fashions which alone would render it generally acceptable. I +_must_ reserve what I musically believe as my musical expression, and +nothing can satisfy me in that respect but the development of the +orchestra." + +"Poor orchestra! it is a very germ, a winter-seed at present, my +ever-sanguine Charlie." + +"I am not sanguine; on the contrary, I am disposed to suspect +treachery everywhere, even in myself, and certainly in you, if you +would have me go to London, take fashionable lodgings, and starve +myself on popular precedents, among them that most magnificent one of +lionizing musical professors. No, I could not bear that, and no one +would care a whit for my playing as I _feel_. I should be starved out +and out. If you can initiate me a little yourself into your +proceedings, I think I shall be able to persuade you that I ought to +be only where my impulse directs me to remain." + +Davy at this juncture deprived me of the baby, who had been munching +my finger all the time we talked; and when he had placed her in her +nest,--a portent of vast significance,--he enlightened me indeed to +the full, and we informed Millicent when she came upstairs; for +nothing could be done without asking her accord. It was greatly to my +satisfaction that she entirely agreed with me, and a great relief to +Davy, who in the plenitude of his delicate pride could hardly bear the +thought of suggesting anything to anybody, lest his suggestion should +unsteady any fixed idea of their own. Millicent cordially asserted +that she felt there was a more interesting sphere about them than she +could imagine to exist anywhere else; and perhaps she was right, for +no one could sufficiently laud the extirpation of ancient prejudices +by Davy's firm voice and ardent heart. I could not possibly calculate +at that moment the force and extent of his singular efforts, and their +still more unwonted effects in so short a time made manifest. I heard +of these from Millicent, who could talk of nothing else, to me, at +least, after Davy, ever anxious, had left us for his morning's +lessons, which occupied him in private, though not much more than +formerly, as his peculiar attention and nearly his whole time were +devoted more determinately than ever to the instruction and elevation +of the vocal institution he had organized. + +"No one can tell, Charles," said Millicent, among other things, "how +heroically and patiently he has worked, rejecting all but the barest +remuneration, to bring all forward as he has succeeded in doing, and +has nobly done. You will say so when you hear, and you must hear, +to-morrow evening." + +"I shall indeed feel strange, Millicent," I replied, "to sit at his +feet once more, and to feel again all that went through me in the days +when I learned of him alone. But I am very curious about another +friend of mine. I suppose you can tell me just as well as he." + +"About Miss Benette, Charles?" + +"Yes, and also little Laura." + +"I know nothing; we know nothing of her or what she has been doing. +But you must have heard of Clara?" + +"Not a word. I have been very quiet, I assure you." + +"So much the better for you, Charles. But she has not lost your good +opinion?" + +"She would have that wherever she went." + +"I believe it. My husband has, of course, never lost sight of her; yet +it was not until the other day, and quite by accident, that we heard +of all she has become. A very old Italian stager, Stelli by name, +called on Lenhart the other day at the class, and after hearing +several of the pieces, asked him whether his pupil, Miss Benette, had +not belonged to it once on a time. He said, Yes; and finding that the +signor was acquainted with her, brought him home to dinner; and we +were told a great deal that it is very difficult to tell, even to you, +Charles. She must, however, be exactly what you always imagined." + +"I should not only imagine, but expect, she will remain unaltered. I +do not believe such eyes could change, or the owner of such eyes." + +"He says just so,--he says that she is an angel; he continued to call +her _angela_, _angela_, and could call her nothing else." + +"Is she singing in Italy just now?" + +"It is just that we asked him. You know she went to Italy for study, +and no one heard a word about her; she did not omit to write, but +never mentioned what she was doing. Only the third year she sent us +news of her _début_. This was but last May. The news was in a paper, +not in her letter. In her letter she only spoke of ourselves, and sent +us a present for baby,--such a piece of work, Charles, as you never +saw. I thought she would have quite given up work by that time. The +letter was a simple, exquisite expression of regard for her old +master; and when Lenhart answered it, she wrote again. _This_ letter +contained the most delicate intimation of her prosperous views. She +was entirely engaged at that time, but told us she trusted to come to +England an early month next year, for she says she finds, having been +to Italy, she loves England best." + +"That is rather what I should have expected. She had not an Italian +touch about her; she would weary there." + +"I should scarcely think so, Charles, for Stelli described her beauty +as something rose-like and healthful,--'fresher than your infant +there,' he said, pointing to baby; and from her style of singing grand +and sacred airs, she has been fancifully named, and is called +everywhere, 'La Benetta benedetta.'"[7] + +"That strikes home to me very pleasantly, Millicent. She had something +blessed and infantine in her very look. I admire that sobriquet; but +those usually bestowed by the populace are most unmeaning. Her own +name, however, suits her best,--it is limpid like the light in her +eyes. There is no word so apt as 'clear' for the expression of her +soul. And what, Millicent, of her voice and style?" + +"Something wonderful, no doubt, Charles, if she obtained an engagement +in the midst of such an operatic pressure as there was this year. I +hope she will do something for England too. We have not so many like +her that we can afford to lose her altogether." + +"I know of not one, Millicent; and shall, if it be my good fortune to +see her, persuade her not to desert us; but Lenhart will have more +chance." + +"La Benetta benedetta!" I could not forget it; it haunted me like the +words of some chosen song; I was ever singing it in my mind; it seemed +the most fitting, and the only not irreverent homage with which one +could have strewed the letters of her name,--a most successful +hieroglyph. Nor the less was I reminded of her when, on the following +evening, I accompanied my sister--who for once had allowed Clo to take +charge of her baby--to the place, now so altered since I left it, +where the vocal family united. We entered at the same door, we +approached the same room; but none could again have known it unless, +as in my case, he could have pointed out the exact spot on which he +had been accustomed to sit. The roof was raised, the rafters were +stained that favorite sylvan tint of Davy's, the windows lightly +pencilled with it upon their ground-glass arches, the walls painted +the softest shade of gray, harmonizing perfectly with the +purple-crimson tone of the cloth that covered seats and platform. +Alas! as I surveyed that platform I felt, with Davy, how much room +there was for increased and novel yet necessary organism in the +perfectibility of the system; for on that glowing void outspread, +where his slight, dark form and white face and _glancing_ hands alone +shone out, I could but dream of beholding the whole array, in +clustering companionship, of those mystic shapes that suggest to us, +in their varied yet according forms, the sounds that creep, that wind, +that pierce, that electrify, through parchment or brass or string. + +In a word, they wanted a band very much. It would not have signified +whether they had one or not, had the class continued in its primitive +position, and in which its enemies would have desired it to +remain,--an unprogressive mediocrity. But as it is the nature of true +art to be progressive ever, it is just as ignorant to expect +shortcomings of a true artist as it would be vain to look for ideal +success amongst the leaders of musical taste, neither endowed with +aspiration nor volition. Now, to hear those voices rise, prolong +themselves, lean in uncorrupted tone upon the calm motet, or rest in +unagitated simplicity over a pause of Ravenscroft's old heavenly +verses, made one almost leap to reduce such a host to the service of +an appropriate band, and to institute orchestral worship there. I +could but remind myself of certain great works, paradises of musical +creation, from whose rightful interpretation we are debarred either by +the inconsistency with the chosen band of the selected chorus, or by +the inequality of the band itself. It struck me that a perfect dream +might here be realized in full perfection, should my own capabilities, +at least, keep pace with the demand upon them, were I permitted to +take my part in Davy's plan as we had treated of it to each other. I +told him, as we walked home together, a little of my mind. He was in +as bright spirits as at his earliest manhood; it was a favorable +moment, and in the keen December moonlight we made a vow to stand by +each other then and ever. + +Delightful as was the task, and responsive to my inmost resolutions, +the final result I scarcely dared anticipate; it was no more easy at +first than to trace the source of such a river as the Nile. Many +difficulties darkened the way before me; and my own musical knowledge +seemed but as a light flung immediately out of my own soul, making the +narrow circle of a radiance for my feet that was unavailable for any +others. My position as Davy's brother-in-law gave me a certain hold +upon my pupils, but no one can imagine what suffering they weetlessly +imposed upon me. The number I began with, receiving each singly, not +at my own home, but in a hired room, was not more than eight, amateurs +and neophytes either,--the amateurs esteeming themselves no less than +amateurs, and something more; the neophytes chiefly connections of the +choral force, and of an individual stubbornness not altogether to be +appreciated at an early period. I could laugh to remember myself those +awful mornings when, after a breakfast at home which I could not have +touched had it been less delicately prepared, I used to repair to that +room of mine and await the advent of those gentlemen, all older than +myself except one, and he the most _presto_ in pretensions of the set. +The room was at the back and top of a house; and over the swinging +window-blind I could discern a rush now and then of a deep dark smoke, +and a wail, as of a demon sorely tried, would shrill along my nerves +as the train dashed by. The trains were my chief support during the +predominance of my ordeal,--they superinduced a sensation that was +neither of music nor of stolidity. + +After a month or two, however, dating from the first week of February, +when, together with the outpeering of the first snowdrop from the +frost, I assumed my dignities, I discovered that I had gained a +certain standing, owing to the fact of my being aware what I was +about, and always attending to the matter in hand. Of my senior +pupils, one was immensely conversable, so conversable that until he +had disgorged himself of a certain quantity of chat, it was impossible +to induce him to take up his bow; another contemplative, so +contemplative that I always had to unpack his instrument for him, and +to send it after him when he was gone, in a general way; a third so +deficient in natural musicality that he did not like my playing! and +soon put up for a vacant oboe in the band of the local theatre, and +left me in the lurch. But desperately irate with them as I was, and +almost disgusted with my petty efforts, I made no show of either to +Davy, nor did they affect my intentions nor stagger my fixed +assurance. All my experiences were hoarded and husbanded by me to such +purpose on my own account that I advanced myself in exact proportion +to the calm _statu quo_ in which remained at present my orchestral +nucleus. My patience was rewarded, however, before I could have dared +to hope, by a steady increase of patronage during April and May,--in +fact, I had so much to do in the eight weeks of those two months that +my mother declared I was working too hard, and projected a trip for me +somewhere. Bless her ever benignant heart! she always held that +everybody, no matter who, and no matter what they had to do, should +recreate during three months out of every twelve! How my family, all +celebrated as they were for nerves of salient self-assertion, endured +my home-necessary practice, I cannot divine; but they one and all made +light of it, even declaring they scarcely heard that all-penetrating +sound distilled down the staircase and through closed parlor doors. +But I was obliged to keep in my own hand most vigorously, and +sustained myself by the hope that I should one day lead off my +dependants in the region now made sacred by voice and verse alone. It +was my habit to give no lessons after dinner, but to pursue my own +studies, sadly deficient as I was in too many respects, in the long +afternoons of spring, and to walk in the lengthening evenings, more +delicious in my remembrance than any of my boyish treasure-times. On +class-nights I would walk to Davy's, find him in a paroxysm of +anxiety just gone off, leaving Millicent to bemoan his want of +appetite and to devise elegant but inexpensive suppers. I would have +one good night-game with my soft-lipped niece, watch her mamma +unswathe the cambric from her rosy limbs, see the white lids drop +their lashes over her blue eyes' sleepfulness, listen to the breath +that arose like the pulses of a flower to the air, feel her sweetness +make me almost sad, and creep downstairs most noiselessly. Millicent +would follow me to fetch her work-basket from the little conservatory, +would talk a moment before she returned upstairs to work by the +cradle-side, would steal with me to the door, look up to the stars or +the moon a moment, and heave a sigh,--a sigh as from happiness too +large for heart to hold; and I, having picked my path around the +narrow gravel, smelling the fresh mould in the darkness, having +reached the gate, would just glance round to sign adieu; and not till +then would she withdraw into the warm little hall and close the door. +Then off I was to the class, to see the windows a-glow from the +street, to hear the choral glory greeting me in sounds like chastened +organ-tones, to mount, unquestioned, into the room, to find the +crimsoned seats all full, the crimson platform bare, save of that +quick, dark form and those gleaming hands. I sit down behind, and bask +luxuriously in that which, to me, is precious as "the sunshine to the +bee;" or I come down stoopingly a few steps, and taking the edge of a +bench where genial faces smile for me, I peep over the sheet of the +pale mechanic or rejoicing weaver, whose visage is drawn out of its +dread fatigue as by a celestial galvanism, and join in the psalm, or +mix my spirit in the soaring antiphon. Davy meets me afterwards; we +wait until everybody has passed out, we pack away the books, we turn +down the gas,--or at least a gentleman does, who appears to think it +an essential part of music that a supreme bustle should precede and +follow its celebrations, and who, locking the door after we attain the +street, tenders Davy the key in a perfect agony of courteous +patronage, and bows almost unto the earth. I accompany my brother +home, and Millicent and he and I sup together, the happiest trio in +the town. On other nights I sup at home, and after my walk, as I come +in earlier, and after I have given reports of Millicent and her spouse +and the baby,--also, whether it has been out this day (my mother +having a righteous prejudice against certain winds),--I sometimes play +to them such moving melodies as I fancy will touch them, but not too +deeply, and indulge in the lighter moods that music does not deny, +even to the uninitiated,--often trifling with my memory of old times as +they begin to seem to me, and, alas! have seemed many years already, +though I am young,--so young that I scarcely know yet how young I am. + +FOOTNOTE: + +[7] The blessed Benette. + + + + +CHAPTER X. + + +I was in the most contented frame of mind that can be conceived of +until the very May month of the year I speak of, when my sensations, +as usual, began to be peculiar. I don't think anybody can love summer +better than I do, can more approvedly languish out, by heavy-shaded +stream in an atmosphere all roses, the summer noons, can easier spend, +in _insomnie_ the lustrous moony nights. + +But May does something to me of which I am not aware during June and +July, or at the first delicate spring-time. When the laburnums rain +their gold, and the lilacs toss broad-bloomed their grape-like +clusters, when the leaves, full swelling, are yet all veined with +light, I cannot very well work hard, and would rather slave the +livelong eleven months besides, to have that month a holiday. So it +happened now; and though I had no absolute right to leave my pupils +and desert the first stones of my musical masonry just laid and +smoothed, I was obliged to think that if I were to have a holiday at +all, I had better take it then. But I had not decided until I received +a double intimation,--one from Davy, and one from the county +newspaper, which last never chronicled events that stirred in London +unless they stirred beyond it. My joyous brother brought me the +letter, and the paper was upon our table the same morning when I came +down to breakfast. + +"See here, Charles," said Clo, who, sitting in her own corner, over +her own book, was unwontedly excited; "here is a piece of news for +you, and my mother found it first!" + +I read, in a castaway paragraph enough, that the Chevalier Seraphael, +the pianist and composer, was to pay a visit to England this very +summer; though to remain in strict seclusion, he would not be +inaccessible to professors. He brought with him, I learned, "the +fruits of several years' solitary travel, no doubt worthy of his +genius and peculiar industry." + +Extremely to the purpose were these expressions, for they told me all +I wanted to know,--that he was alive, must be himself again, and had +been writing for those who loved him,--for men and angels. Now, for my +letter. I had held it without opening it, for I chose to do so when +alone, and waited until after breakfast. It was a choice little +supplement to that choicest of all invites for my spirit and heart,--a +note on foreign paper; the graceful, firm character of the writing +found no difficulty to stand out clear and black from that +milk-and-water hue and spongy texture. It was from Clara,--a simple +form that a child might have dictated, yet containing certain business +reports for Davy, direct as from one who could master even business. + +She was coming definitely to England, not either for any purposes save +those all worthy of herself; she had accepted, after much +consideration, a London engagement for the season; and, said she,-- + +"I only have my fears lest I should do less than I ought for what I +love best; it is so difficult to do what is right by music in these +times, when it is fashionable to seem to like it. You will give me a +little of your advice, dear sir, if I need it, as perhaps I may; but +I hope not, because I have troubled you too much already. I trust +your little daughter is growing like you to please her mother, and +like her mother to please you. I shall be delighted to see it when I +come to London, if you can allow me to do so." + +The style of this end of a letter both amused and absorbed me; it was +Clara's very idiosyncrasy. I could but think, "Is it possible that she +has not altered more than her style of expressing herself has done? I +must go and see." + +Davy received my ravings with due compassion and more indulgence than +I had dared to hope. The suspension of my duties, leaving our +orchestra in limbo still longer, disconcerted him a little; but he was +the first to say I must surely go to London. The only thing to be +discovered was when to go, so as not to frustrate either one of my +designs or the other; and I declared he must, to that end, address +Clara on the very subject. + +He did so, and in a fortnight there came the coolest note to say she +would be in London the next day, and that she had heard the great +musician would arrive before the end of the month. I inly marvelled +whether in all the course of his wanderings Clara and the Chevalier +had met; but still I thought and prophesied not. I was really +reluctant to leave Davy with his hands and head full, that I might +saunter with my own in kid-gloves, and swarming with May fancies; but +for once my selfishness--or something higher, whose mortal frame is +selfishness--impelled me. I found myself in the train at the end of +the next week, carrying Clara's address in my memorandum-book, and my +violin-case in the carriage along with me. + +It was early afternoon, and exquisitely splendid weather when I +arrived in London. In London, however, I had little to do just then, +as the address of the house to which I was bound was rather out of +London,--above the smoke, beyond the stir, at the very first plunge +into the surrounding country that lingers yet as a dream upon her day +reality, with which dreams suit not ill, and from which they seldom +part. I love the heart of London, in whose awful deeps reflect the +mysterious unfathomable of every secret, and where the homeless are +best at home, where the home-bred fear not to wander, assured of sweet +return; but I do not love its immediate precincts,--the rude waking +stage between that profound and the conserved, untainted sylvan +vision, that, once overpast it, dawns upon us. + +Dashing as abruptly as possible, and by the nearest way through all +the brick wilderness outward, I reached in no long weary time, and by +no long weary journey, though on foot, a quiet road, which by a +continuous but gentle rise carried me to the clustered houses, neither +quite hamlet nor altogether village, where Miss Benette had hidden her +heart among the leaves. + +Cool and shady was the side I took, though the sunshine whitened the +highway, and every summer promise beamed from the soft sky's azure, +the green earth's bloom. The painted gates I met at intervals, or the +iron-wreathed portals, guarded dim walks, through whose perspective +villas glistened, all beautiful as they were discerned afar in their +frames of tossing creepers, with gay verandas or flashing +green-houses. But the wall I followed gave me not a transient glimpse +of gardens inwards, so thickly blazed the laburnums and the paler +flames of the rich acacia, not to speak of hedges all sweet-brier, +matted into one embrace with double-blossomed hawthorn. I passed +garden after garden and gate after gate, seeing no one; for the great +charm of those regions consists in the extreme privacy of every +habitation,--privacy which the most exclusive nobleman might envy, and +never excel in his wilderness parks or shrubberies; and when at length +I attained the summit of the elevation where two roads met and shut in +a sweep of actual country, and I came to the end of the houses, I +began to look about for some one to direct me; then, turning the +corner, I came in turning upon what I had been seeking, without having +really sought it by any effort. + +The turn in the road I speak of went tapering off between hedgerows; +and meadow-lands, as yet unencroached upon, swept within them as far +as I could see. But just where I stood, a cottage, older than any of +the villas, and framed in shade more ancient than the light groves I +left behind me, peeped from the golden and purple May-trees across a +moss-green lawn,--a perfect picture in its silence, and a very +paradise of fragrance. It was built of wood, and had its roof-hung +windows and drooping eaves protected by a spreading chestnut-tree, +whose great green fans beat coolness against every lattice, and whose +blossoms had kindled their rose-white tapers at the sun. The garden +was so full of flowers that one could scarcely bear the sweetness, +except that the cool chestnut shadow dashed the breeze with freshness +as it swept the heavy foliage and sank upon the checkered grass to a +swoon. I was not long lost in contemplating the niche my saint had +chosen, for I could have expected nothing fitter; but I was at some +loss to enter, for the reminiscences of my childhood burdened me, and +I dreaded lest I should be deprived of anything I now held stored +within me, by a novel shock of being. I need not have feared. + +After waiting till I was ashamed, I opened the tiny gate and walked +across the grass, still soft with the mowing of the morning, to the +front door, where I pulled a little bell-handle half smothered in the +wreaths of monthly roses that were quivering and fluttering like pink +doves about the door and lower windows. This was as it should be, the +very door-bell dressed with flowers; but more as it should be, it was +that Thoné opened the door. I was almost ready to disappear again, but +that her manner was the most reassuring to troublesome nerves. She did +not appear to have any idea who I was, nor did she even stare when I +presented my card, but like some strange bronze escaped from its +pedestal, and attired in muslin, she conducted me onwards down a +little low hall, half filled with the brightest plants, into a double +parlor, whose folding-doors were closed, and whose diamond-paned back +window looked out far, and very far, into the country. + +Hearing not a voice in the next room, nor any rustle, nor even a soft +foot hastily cross the beamed ceiling overhead, I dared look about me +for a moment, hid my hat in confusion under a chair, saw that the +round table had a bowl of flowers in its centre, caught sight of my +face in the intensely polished glass-door of a small closed book-case, +and, as if detected in some act, walked away to the window. + +I could not have done a better thing to prepare myself for any fresh +excitement; I was ready in an instant to weep with joy at the beauty +that flooded my spirit. Over and beyond the garden I gazed; it did not +detain my eye,--I passed its tree-tops, all apple-bloom and lilac, and +its sudden bursts of grass where the tree-tops parted. I looked out to +the country,--an undulating country, a sea of green, flushed here and +there with a bloomy level, or a breeze upon the crimson clover; +odorous bean-fields quivered, and their scent was floating +everywhere,--it drowned the very garden sweetness, and blended in with +waftures of unknown fragrance, all wild essences shed from woodbines, +from dog-roses, and the new-cut grass, or plumy meadow-sweet, by the +waters of rills flowing up into the distance, silver in the sunlight. +Soft hills against the heaven swept over visionary valleys; the +sunshine lay white and warm upon glistening summer seas and picture +cottages; over all spread the purple, melting, brooding sky, +transparent on every leaf and blossom, shining upon those tender +sloping hills with an amethyst haze of light, not shade. + +As I stood, the things that seemed had never been, and the things that +had been grew dilated and indefinitely bright,--the soft thrall of the +suspense that bound me intertwining itself with mine "electric chain" +as that May-dream mixed itself with all my music, veiling it as +moonlight, the colors of the flowers, or as music itself veils +passion. + +I waited quite half an hour, and had lost myself completely, feeling +as if no change could come, when, without a sound, some one entered +behind me. I knew it by the light that burst through the folding-door, +which had, however, again closed when I turned, for the tread was so +silent I might otherwise have gone dreaming on. Clara stood before me, +so little altered that I could have imagined that she had been put +away in a trance when I left her last, and but this instant was +restored to me. + +She was not more womanly, nor less child-like; and for her being an +actress, it seemed a thing impossible. I could but stand and gaze; nor +did she seem surprised, nor did her eyes droop, nor her fair cheek +mantle: through the untrembling lashes I caught the crystal light as +she opposed me, still waiting for me to speak. + +I was heartily ashamed at last, and resolved to make her welcome as +she maintained that strange regard. I put out my hand, and in an +instant she greeted me; the infantine smile shone suddenly that had +soothed me so long ago. + +"I am very glad to see you, Miss Benette. It was very kind of you to +let me come." + +"By no means," she replied, with the slightest possible Italian +softening of her accent. "I am very much obliged to you, and I am very +pleased also. Please sit down, sir, for you have been standing, I am +afraid, a long time. I was out at first, and since I returned I made +haste; but still, I fear, I have kept you waiting." + +"I could have waited all day, Miss Benette, to see such a window as +this. How did you manage to put your foot into such a nest?" + +"It is a very sweet little place, and the country is most beautiful. I +don't know what they mean by its being too near London. I must be near +London, and yet I could not exactly live in it, for it makes me idle." + +"How very strange! It has the same effect upon me,--that is to say, I +always dream in those streets, and lose half my purpose. Still, it +must be almost a temptation to indulge a certain kind of idleness +here; in such a garden as that, for example, one could pass all one's +time." + +"I do pass half my time in the garden, and yet I do not think it is +too much, for it makes me well; and I cannot work when I am not +well,--I was always unfortunate in that respect." + +"How do you think I look, by the by, Miss Benette? Am I very much +changed? It is perhaps, however, not a safe question." + +"Quite safe, sir. You have grown more and more like your inseparable +companion,--you always had a look of it, and now it takes the place of +all other expression." + +"I don't know whether that is complimentary or not, you see, for I +never heard your opinion in old times. I was a very silly boy then, +and not quite so well aware of what I owed to you as I may be now." + +"I do not feel that you owe anything to anybody, Mr. Auchester, for +you would have gone to your own desires as resolutely through peril as +through pleasure; at all events, if you are still as modest as you +were, it is a great blessing now you have become a soul which bears so +great a part. If I must speak truth, however, about your looks, you +seem as delicate as you used to be, and I do not suppose you could be +anything else. You have not altered except to have grown up." + +"And you, if I may say so, have not altered in growing up." + +Nor had she. She had not gained an inch in height. She could never +have worn that black silk frock those years; yet the folds, so grave +and costly, still shielded her gentle breast to meet the snow-soft +ruffle that fringed her throat: nor had she ornament upon +her,--neither bracelet nor ring upon the dimpled hands, the delicate +wrists. Though her silken hair had lengthened into wreaths upon +wreaths behind, she still preserved those baby-curls upon her temples, +nor had a shade more majesty gathered to her brow,--the regal +innocence was throned there, and looked forth from her eyes as from a +shrine; but it was evident that there was nothing about her from head +to foot on which she piqued herself,--a rare shortcoming of feminine +maturity. The only perceptible difference in the face was when she +spoke or smiled; and then the change, the deepened sweetness, can be +no more given to description than the notion of music to the destitute +ear. It was something of a reserve too inward to be approached, and +too subtile to subdue its own influence,--like perfume from unseen +flowers diffusing itself when the wind awakens, while we know neither +whence the windy fragrance comes nor whither it flows. + +"Is it possible, Miss Benette," I continued,--for I forced myself +absolutely to speak; I should so infinitely have preferred to watch +her silently,--"that you can have passed through so much since I saw +you?" + +"No, I have lived a very quiet life; it is you who have lived in all +the stir until you fancy there is not any calm at all." + +"I should have certainly found calm here. But you, I thought, and +indeed I know, have had every kind of excitement ready made to your +hand, and only waiting for you to touch the springs." + +"I have had no excitement till I came here." + +"None? Why, who could have had more, and who could have borne the same +so bravely? We have heard of you here, and it must have been a +transcending tempest for the shock to echo so far." + +"I do not call singing in theatres, and acting, excitement. I always +felt cool and collected in them, for I knew they were not real, and +that I should get through them soon, and very glad should I be; so I +was patient and did my best. You look at me shocked. I knew I should +shock you after all our talk." + +"Oh, fie! Miss Benette, to talk so, then, and to shock yourself, as +you must, if you are faithless." + +"Poor I, faithless! Well, I am not important enough for it to signify. +And yet I should like to tell you what I mean, because you were always +kind to me, and I should not wish you to despise me now. No, Mr. +Auchester, I am not faithless; I love music more and more; it is the +form of my religion; I dare to call it altogether holy,--I am sure, +indeed, it must be so, or it would have been trodden long ago into +nothing with the evil they have heaped over it to hide it, and the +mistakes they have made about it. I act and I sing, because that is +what I can do best; but my idea of music goes with yours, and +therefore I am not excited as I should be, if I were filling up a +place such as that which you fill; though I would not leave my own for +any consideration, and hope to continue in it. My excitement since I +came here, where most ladies would be dull or sick, has arisen from +the feeling that I am brought into contact with what is most like +music, as I always find solitude, and also because since I came I have +been raised higher by several spirits which are lofty in their +desires, instead of being dragged through a mass of all opinions as I +was abroad. My pleasures here are so great that I feel my soul to be +quite young again, and to grow younger; and you cannot fancy what it +is to return here after being in London, because you do not go to +London, and if you did go to London, you would not do as I do." + +She turned to me here, and told me it was her dinner-hour, asking me +to remain and dine with her. It was about two o'clock, and I hesitated +not to stay,--indeed, I know not that I could have gone. + +We arose together, and I led her forward. We crossed the hall to a +door beyond us, when, removing her little hand from my arm, and laying +it on the lock, she looked into my face and smiled. + +"You remembered me so well that I hope you will remember an old friend +of mine who is staying here with me." + +Before I could reply, or even marvel, she opened the door, and we +entered. The little dining-room was lined with warmer hues than the +airy drawing-room, but white muslin curtains made sails within the +crimson ones, and some person stood within these, lightly screened, +and looking out over the blind. + +"Laura," said Miss Benette, and she turned with exquisite elegance. +Had it not been for her name, which touched my memory, I could not +have remembered her,--certainly, at least, not then. + +Perhaps, when we were seated opposite at table, with nothing between +us but a vase of garden flowers, I might have made out her lineaments; +but I was called upon by my reminding chivalry to assist the hostess +in the dissection of spring chickens and roasted lamb, and there was +something besides about that very Laura I did not like to face until +she should at least speak and reveal herself, as by the voice one +cannot fail to do. + +However she spoke not, nor did Clara speak to her, though we two +talked a good deal,--that is to say, _I_ talked, as so it behooved me +to behave, and as I wished to see Miss Benette eat. When, at last, all +traces of the snowy damask were swept out by a pair of careful hands, +and we were left alone with the cut decanters, the early strawberries, +and sweet summer oranges, I did determine to look, for fear Miss +Lemark should think I did not dare to do so. I was not mistaken, as it +happened, in believing her to be quite capable of this construction, +as I discovered on regarding her immediately. + +Her childish nonchalance had ripened into a hauteur quite alarming; +for though she was scarcely my own age, she might have been ten years +older. Not that her form was not lithe,--lithe as it could be to be +endowed with the proper complement of muscles,--but for a certain +sharpness of outline her countenance would have been languid in +repose; her brow retained its singular breadth, but had not gained in +elevation; her eyes were large and lambent, fringed with lashes that +swept her cheek, though not darker than her hair, which waved as the +willow in slightly-turned tresses to her waist. That waist was so +extremely slight that it scarcely looked natural, and yet was entirely +so, as was evident from the way she moved in her clothes. + +She afforded a curious contrast to Clara in her black silk robe, for +she was dressed in muslin of the deepest rose-color, with an immense +skirt, its trimmings lace entirely, the sleeves dropped upon her arms, +which were loaded with bracelets of all kinds, while she wore a +splendid chain upon her neck. She bore this over effect very well, and +would not have become any other, it appeared to me, though there was +something faded in her appearance even then,--a want of color in her +aspect that demanded of costume the intensest contrasts. + +"You have very much grown, Miss Lemark," I ventured to say, after I +had contemplated her to my satisfaction. She had, indeed, grown; she +was taller than I. + +"So have you, Mr. Auchester." + +"She has grown in many respects, Mr. Auchester, which you cannot +imagine," said Clara, with a winning mischief in her glance. + +"I should imagine anything you pleased, I am afraid, Miss Benette, if +you inspired me. But I have been thinking it is a very curious thing +that we should meet in this way, we three alone, after meeting as we +did the first time in our lives." + +"It was rather different then," exclaimed Laura, all abruptly, "and +the difference is, not that we are grown up, but that when we met on +the first occasion, we told each other our minds, and now we don't +dare." + +"I am sure I dare," I retorted. + +"No, you would not, no more would Clara; perhaps I might, but it would +be of no use." + +"What did I say then that I dare not say now? I am sure I don't +remember." + +"You may remember," said Clara, smiling; "I think it is hardly fair to +make _her_ remind you." + +"It is my desert, if I remembered it first. You thought me very +vulgar, and you told me as much, though in more polite language." + +"If I thought so then, I may be allowed to have forgotten it now, Miss +Lemark, as I think your friend will grant, when I look at you." + +"You do not admire my style, Mr. Auchester; I know you,--it is +precisely against your taste. Even Clara does not approve of it, and +you have not half her forbearance,--if, indeed, you have any." + +"Nobody, Laura dear, would dispute that you can bear more dressing +than I can; it does not suit me to wear colors, and you look like a +flower in them. Does not that color suit her well, Mr. Auchester?" + +"Indeed I think so, and especially this glorious weather, when the +most vivid hues are starting out of every old stone. But Miss Lemark +could afford to wear green,--a very unusual suitability; it is the hue +of her eyes, I think." + +Laura had looked down, with that hauteur more fixed than ever now the +light of her eyes was lost; she drew in the corners of her mouth, and +turned a shade colder, if not paler, in complexion. I could not +imagine what she was thinking, till she said, without raising her +eyes,-- + +"You know, Clara, that is not the reason you wear black and I do not. +You know that you look well in anything, because nobody looks at +anything you happen to wear. Besides, there is a reason I could give +if I chose." + +"There is no other reason that you know of, Laura," she answered, and +then she asked me a question on quite another subject. + +I was rather anxious to discover whether Laura had fulfilled her +destiny as far as we had compassed ours; but I did not find it easy, +for she scarcely spoke, and had not lost a certain abstraction in her +air that alienated the observer insensibly from her. After dinner +Clara rose, and I made some demonstration of going, which she met so +that I could not refuse her invitation to remain at least an hour or +two. We all three retired into the little drawing-room; Miss Benette +placed me a chair in the open window which I had admired, and herself +sat down opposite, easily as a child, and saying, "I will not be rude +to-day, as I used to be, in taking out my work whenever you came." + +"It suited you very well, however, and I perceive, by your kind +present to my little niece, that you have not forgotten that delicate +art of yours." + +"I had laid it aside, except to work for babies, some time, but it was +long since I had a baby to work for; and when Mr. Davy sent me word in +such joy that his little girl was born, I was so rejoiced to be able +to make caps and frocks." + +"My sister was very much obliged to you on a former occasion too, Miss +Benette." + +"Yes, I suppose she was very much obliged that I did not accept Mr. +Davy's hand, or would have been, only she did not know it!" + +"I did not mean so. I was remembering whose handiwork graced her on +her marriage-day." + +"Oh! I forgot the veil. I have made several since that one, but not +one like that exactly, because I desired that should be unique. You +have not told me, Mr. Auchester, anything about Seraphael and his +works." + +I was so used to call him, and to hear him called, the Chevalier, that +at first I started, but was soon in a deep monologue of all that had +happened to me in connection with him and his music, only suppressing +that which I was in the habit of reserving, even in my own mind, from +my conscious self. In the midst of my relation, Laura, apparently +uninterested, as she had been seated in a chair with a book in her +hands, left the room, and we stayed in our talk and looked at each +other at the same instant. + +"Why do you look so, Mr. Auchester?" said Clara, half amused, but with +a touch of perturbation too. + +"I was expecting to be asked what I thought of that young lady, and +you see I was agreeably disappointed, for you are too well-bred to +ask." + +"No such thing. I thought you would tell me yourself if you liked, but +that you might prefer not to do so, because you are not one, sir, to +assume critical airs over a person you have only seen a very few +hours." + +"You do me more than justice, Miss Benette. But though I despair of +ever curing myself of the disposition to criticise, I am not +inconvertible. I admire Miss Lemark; she is improved, she is +distinguished,--a little more, and she would be lady-like." + +"I thought 'lady-like' meant less than 'distinguished.' You make it +mean more." + +"Perhaps I do mean that Miss Lemark is not exactly like yourself, and +that when she has lived with you a little longer, she will be indeed +all that she can be made." + +"That would be foolish to say so,--pardon!--for she has lived with me +two years now, and has most likely taken as much from me by imitation +as she ever will, or by what you perhaps would call sympathy." + +"I find, or should fancy I might find, to exist a great dissympathy +between you." + +"I suppose 'dissympathy' is one of those nice little German words that +are used to express what nobody ought to say. I thought you would not +go there for nothing. If your dissympathy means not to agree in +sentiment, I do not know that any two bodies could agree quite in +feeling, nor would it be so pleasant as to be alone in some moods. I +should be very sorry never to be able to retreat into the cool shade, +and know that, as I troubled nobody, so nobody could get at me. Would +not you?" + +"Oh! I suppose so, in the sense you mean. But how is it I have not +heard of this grace, or muse, taking leave to furl her wings at your +nest? I should have thought that Davy would have known." + +"Should I tell Mr. Davy what I pay to Thoné for keeping my house in +order,--or whether I went to church on a Sunday? Laura and I always +agreed to live together, but we could not accomplish it until +lately,--I mean, since I was in Italy. We met then, as we said we +would. I carried her from Paris, where she was alone with every one +but those who should have befriended her; her father had died, and she +was living with Mademoiselle Margondret,--that person I did not like +when I was young. If I had known where Laura was, I should have +fetched her away before." + +I felt for a moment as if I wished that Laura had never been born, but +only for one moment. I then resumed,-- + +"Does she not dance in London? She looks just ready for it." + +"She has accepted no engagement for this season at present. I cannot +tell what she may do, however. Would you like to see my garden, Mr. +Auchester?" + +"Indeed, I should very particularly like to see it, above all, if you +will condescend to accompany me. There is a great deal more that I +cannot help wishing for, Miss Benette; but I scarcely like to dream of +asking about it to-night." + +"For me to sing? Oh! I will sing for you any time, but I would +certainly rather talk to you,--at least until the beautiful day begins +to go; and it is all bright yet." + +She walked before me without her bonnet down the winding garden-steps; +the trellised balustrade was lost in rose-wreaths. We were soon in the +rustling air, among the flowers that had not a withered petal, +bursting hour by hour. + +"It would tease you to carry flowers, Mr. Auchester, or I should be +tempted to gather a nosegay for you to take back to London. I cannot +leave them alone while they are so fresh, and they quite ask to be +gathered. Look at all the buds upon this bush,--you could not count +them." + +"They are Provence roses. What a quantity you have!" + +"Thoné chose this cottage for me because of the number of the flowers. +I believe she thinks there is some charm in flowers which will prevent +my becoming wicked! If you had been so kind as to bring your violin, I +would have filled up the case with roses, and then you would not have +had to carry them in your hands." + +"But may I not have some, although I did not bring my violin? I never +think of anything but violets, though, for strewing that sarcophagus." + +"Sarcophagus means 'tomb,' does it not? It is a fine idea of +resurrection, when you take out the sleeping music and make it live. I +know what you mean about violets,--their perfume is like the tones of +your instrument, and one can separate it from all other scents in the +spring, as those tones from all other tones of the orchestra." + +"I have a tender thought for violets,--a very sad one, Miss Benette; +but still sweet now that what I remember has happened a long while +ago." + +"That is the best of sorrow,--all passes off with time but that which +is not bitter, though we can hardly call it sweet. I am grieved I +talked of violets, to touch upon any sorrow you may have had to bear; +still more grieved that you have had a sorrow, for you are very +young." + +"I seem to feel, Miss Benette, as if you must know exactly what I have +gone through since I saw you, and I am forced to remember it is not +the case. I am not sorry you spoke about violets, or rather that I +did, because some day I must tell you the whole story of my trouble. I +know not why the violet should remind me more than does the beautiful +white flower upon that rose-bush over there, for I have in my +possession both a white rose that has lived five summers, and an +everlasting violet which will never allow me to forget." + +"I know, from your look, that it is about some one dying: but why is +that so sad? We must all die, Mr. Auchester, and cannot stay after we +have been called." + +"It may be so, and must indeed; but it was hard to understand, and I +cannot now read why a creature so formed to teach earth all that is +most like heaven, should go before any one had dreamed she could +possibly be taken; for she had so much to do. You would not wonder at +the regret I must ever feel, if you had also known her." + +Clara had led me onwards as I spoke, and we stood before that +rose-tree; she broke off a fresh rose quietly, and placed it in my +hand. + +"I am more and more unhappy. It was not because I was not sorry that I +said so. Pray tell me about her." + +"She was very young, Miss Benette, only sixteen; and more beautiful +than any flower in this garden, or than any star in the sky; for it +was a beauty of spirit, of passion, of awful imagination. She was at +school with me, and I was taught by her how slightly I had learned all +things; she had learned too much, and of what men could not teach her. +I never saw such a face,--but that was nothing. I never heard such a +voice,--but neither had it any power, compared with her heavenly +genius and its sway upon the soul. She had written a symphony,--you +know what it is to do that! She wrote it in three months, and during +the slight leisure of a most laborious student life. I was alarmed at +her progress, yet there was something about it that made it seem +natural. She was ill once, but got over the attack; and the time came +when this strange girl was to stand in the light of an orchestra and +command its interpretation. It was a private performance, but I was +among the players. She did not carry it through. In the very midst she +fell to the ground, overwhelmed by illness. We thought her dead then, +but she lived four days." + +"And died, sir? Oh! she did not die?" + +"Yes, Miss Benette, she died; but no one then could have wished her to +live." + +"She suffered so?" + +"No, she was only too happy. I did not know what joy could rise to +until I beheld her face with the pain all passed, and saw her smile in +dying." + +"She must have been happy, then. Perhaps she had nothing she loved +except Jehovah, and no home but heaven." + +"Indeed, she must have been happy, for she left some one behind her +who had been to her so dear as to make her promise to become his own." + +"I am glad she was so wise, then, as to hide from him that she broke +her heart to part with him; for she could not help it: and it was +worthy of a young girl who could write a symphony," said Clara, very +calmly, but with her eyes closed among the flowers she was holding in +her hand. "Sir, what did they do with the symphony? and, if it is not +rude, what did the rose and the violet have to do with this sad tale?" + +"Oh! I should have told you first, but I wished to get the worst part +over; I do not generally tell people. It was the day our prizes were +distributed she took her death-blow, and I received from the Chevalier +Seraphael, who superintended all our affairs, and who ordered the +rewards, a breast-pin, with a violet in amethyst, in memory of certain +words he spoke to me in a rather mystical chat we had held one day, in +which he let fall, 'the violin is the violet.' And poor Maria received +a silver rose, in memory of Saint Cecilia, to whom he had once +compared her, and to whom there was a too true resemblance in her +fateful life. The rose was placed in her hair by the person I told you +she loved best, just as she was about to stand forth before the +orchestra; and when she fainted it fell to my feet. I gathered it up, +and have kept it ever since. I do not know whether I had any right to +do so, but the only person to whom I could have committed it, it was +impossible to insult by reminding of her. In fact, he would not permit +it; he left Cecilia after she was buried, and never returned." + +Clara here raised her eyes, bright and liquid, and yet all-searching; +I had not seen them so. + +"I feel for him all that my heart can feel. Has he never ceased to +suffer? Was she all to him?" + +"He will never cease to suffer until he ceases to breathe, and then he +will, perhaps, be fit to bear the bliss that was withdrawn from him as +too great for any mortal heart; that is his feeling, I believe, for he +is still now, and uncomplaining,--ever proud, but only proud about his +sorrow. Some day you will, I trust, hear him play, and you will agree +with me how that grief must have grown into a soul so passionate." + +"You mean, when you say he is proud, he will not be comforted, I +suppose? There are persons like that, I know; but I do not understand +it." + +"I hope you never will, Miss Benette. You must suffer with your whole +nature to refuse comfort." + +"To any one so suffering I should say, the comfort is that all those +who suffer are reserved for joy." + +"Not here, though." + +"But it will not be less joy because it is saved for by and by. Now +that way of talking makes me angry; I believe there is very little +faith." + +"Very little, I grant. But poor Florimond Anastase does not fail +there." + +She stopped beside me as we were pacing the lawn. + +"Florimond Anastase! you did not say so? Do you mean the great player? +I have heard of that person." + +Her face flushed vividly, as rose hues flowing into pearl, her aspect +altered, she seemed convicted of some mistaken conclusion; but, +recovering herself almost instantly, resumed,-- + +"Thank you for telling me that story,--it will make me better, I hope. +I do not deserve to have grown up so well and strong. May I do my duty +for it, and at least be grateful! You did not say what was done with +the symphony?" + +"The person I mentioned would not allow it to be retained. And, +indeed, what else could be done? It was buried in her virgin grave,--a +maiden work. She sleeps with her music, and I know not who could have +divided them." + +"You have told me a story that has turned you all over, like the +feeling before a thunder-storm. I will not hear a word more. You +cannot afford to talk of what affects you. Now, let me be very +impertinent and change the key." + +"By all means; I have said quite enough, and will thank you." + +"There is Laura in the arbor, just across the grass; we will go to +her, if you please, and you shall see her pretty pink frock among the +roses, instead of my black gown. On the way I will tell you that there +is some one, a lady too, so much interested in you that she was going +down to your neighborhood on purpose to find out about you; but I +prevented her from coming, by saying you would be here, and she +answered,-- + +"'Tell him, then, to come and call upon me.'" + +"It can only have been one living lady who would have sent that +message,--Miss Lawrence. Actually I had forgotten all about her, and +she returns upon me with a strong sense of my own ingratitude. I will +certainly call upon her, and I shall be only too glad to identify my +benefactress." + +"That you cannot do; she will not allow it,--at least, to this hour +she persists in perfect innocence of the fact." + +"That she provided us both with exactly what we wanted at exactly the +right time? She chalked out my career, at least. I'll make her +understand how I feel. Is she not a character?" + +"Not more so than yourself, but still one, certainly; and a +peculiarity of hers is, that generous--too generous almost--as she is, +she will not suffer the slightest allusion to her generosities to be +made, nor hint to be circulated that she has a heart at all." + +Laura was sitting in the arbor, which was now at hand, but not, as +Clara prophesied, among the roses in any sense, for the green branches +that festooned the lattice were flowerless until the later summer, and +her face appeared fading into a mist of green. The delicate leaves +framed her as a picture of melancholy that has attired itself in +mirth, which mirth but served to fling out the shadow by contrast and +betray the source. Clara sat on one side, I on the other, and +presently we went in to tea. But I did not hear the voice I longed for +that evening, nor was the pianoforte opened that I so well remembered +standing in its "dark corner." + + + + +CHAPTER XI. + + +I determined not to let a day pass without calling on Miss Lawrence, +for I had obtained her address before I left the cottage, and I set +forth the following morning. It was in the midst of a desert of +West-end houses, none of which have any peculiar characteristic, or +suggest any peculiar notion. When I reached the door, I knocked, and +it being opened, gave in my card to the footman, who showed me into a +dining-room void of inhabitants, and there left me. + +It seemed strange enough to my perception, after I could sit down to +breathe, that a lady should live all by herself in such an immense +place; but I corrected myself by remembering she might possibly not +live by herself, but have brothers, sisters, nay, any number of +relations or dependants. She certainly did not dine in that great +room, at that long table polished as a looking-glass, where half a +regiment might have messed for change. There were heavy curtains, +striped blue and crimson, and a noble sideboard framed in an arch of +yellow marble. + +The walls were decorated with deep-toned pictures on a ground almost +gold color; and I was fastened upon one I could not mistake as a +Murillo, when the footman returned, but only to show me out, for Miss +Lawrence was engaged. I was a little crestfallen, not conceitedly so, +but simply feeling I had better not have taken her at her word, and +retreated in some confusion. Returning very leisurely to my two +apartments near the Strand, and stopping very often on the way at +music or print shops, I did not arrive there for at least an hour, and +was amazed on my entrance to find a note, directed to myself, lying +upon the parlor table-cloth. + +I appealed to my landlady from the top of the kitchen stairs, and she +said a man in livery had left it, and was to call for an answer. I +read the same on the spot; it had no seal to break, but was twisted +backwards and forwards, and had this merit, that it was very difficult +to open. It was from Miss Lawrence, without any comment on my call, +but requesting my company that very evening to dinner, at the awful +hour of seven. Never having dined at seven o'clock in my existence, +nor even at six, I was lost in the prospect, and almost desired to +decline, but that I had no excuse of any kind on hand; and therefore +compelled myself to frame a polite assent, which I despatched, and +then sat down to practise. + +I made out to myself that she would certainly be alone, as she was the +very person to have fashionable habits on her own account, or at least +that she would be surrounded merely by the people belonging to her in +her home. But I was still unconfessedly nervous when I drew the door +after me and issued into the streets, precisely as the quarter chimes +had struck for seven, and while the streets still streamed with +daylight, and all was defined as at noon. + +When I entered the square so large and still, with its broad roads and +tranquil centre-piece of green, I was appalled to observe a carriage +or two, and flattered myself they were at another door; but they had +drawn up at the very front, alas! that I had visited in the morning. I +was compelled to advance, after having stood aside to permit a lady in +purple satin, and two younger ladies in white, to illustrate the +doorway in making their procession first. Then I came on, and was +rather surprised to find myself so well treated; for a gentleman out +of livery, in neater black clothes than a clergyman, deprived me of my +hat and showed me upstairs directly. It struck me very forcibly that +it was a very good thing my hair had the habit of staying upon my +forehead as it should do, and that I was not anxious to tie my +neck-handkerchief over again, as I was to be admitted into the +drawing-room _in statu quo_. + +I ascended. It was a well-staircase, whose great height was easy of +attainment from the exceeding lowness of the steps; stone, with a +narrow crimson centre-strip soft as thick-piled velvet. On the +landing-place was a brilliant globe of humming-birds, interspersed +with gem-like spars and many a moss-wreath. The drawing-room door was +opened for me before I had done looking; I walked straight in, and by +instinct straight up to the lady of the house, who as instantly met me +with a frank familiarity that differs from all other, and supersedes +the rarest courtesy. + +I had a vague idea that Miss Lawrence must have been married since I +saw her, so completely was she mistress of herself, and so easy was +her deportment,--not to speak of her dress, which was black lace, with +a single feather in her hair of the most vivid green; but unstudied as +very few costumes are, even of married women. She was still Miss +Lawrence, though, for some one addressed her by name,--a +broad-featured man behind her,--and she turned her head alone, and +answered him over her shoulder. + +She dismissed him very shortly, or sent him to some one else; for she +led me--as a queen might lead one of her knights, by her finger-tips, +small as a Spaniard's, upon the tips of my gloves, while she held her +own gloves in her other hand--to a gentleman upon the rug, a real +gentleman of the old school, to whom she introduced me simply as to +her father; and then she brought me back again to a low easy-chair, +out of a group of easy-chairs close by the piano, and herself sat down +quite near me, on the extreme corner of an immense embroidered +ottoman. + +"You see how it is, my dear Mr. Auchester," she began in her genial +voice,--"a dinner, which I should not have dreamed to annoy you with, +but for one party we expect. You have seen Seraphael, of course, and +the little Burney? Or perhaps not; they have been in town only two +days." + +I was about to express something rather beyond surprise, when a fresh +appearance at the door carried her away, and I could only watch the +green plume in despair as it waved away from me. To stifle my +sensations, I just glanced round the room; it was very large, but so +high and so apportioned that one felt no space to spare. + +The draperies, withdrawn for the sunset smile to enter, were of palest +sky-color, the walls of the palest blush, the tables in corners, the +chairs in clusters, the cabinets in niches, gilt and carven, were of +the deepest blue and crimson, upon a carpet of all imaginable hues, +like dashed flower-petals. Luxurious as was the furniture, in nothing +it offended even the calmest taste, and the choicest must have +lavished upon it a prodigal leisure. + +The pianoforte was a grand one, of dark and lustrous polish; its +stools were velvet; a large lamp, unlighted, with gold tracery over +its moon-like globe, issued from a branch in the wall immediately over +it, and harmonized with a circle of those same lamps above the centre +ottoman, and with the same upon the mantelshelf guarding a beautiful +French clock, and reflected in a sheet of perfect glass sweeping to +the ceiling. + +There were about five and twenty persons present, who seemed +multiplied, by their manner and their dresses, into thrice as many, +and who would have presented a formidable aspect but for the hopes +roused within me to a tremendous anticipation. Still I had time, +during the hum and peculiar rustle, to scrutinize the faces present. +There were none worth carrying away, except that shaded by the emerald +plume, and I followed it from chair to chair, fondly hoping it would +return to mine. It did not; and it was evident we were waiting for +some one. + +There was a general lull; two minutes by my watch (as I ascertained, +very improperly) it lasted, and two minutes seems very long before a +set dinner. Suddenly, while I was yet gazing after our hostess, the +door flew open, and I heard a voice repeat,-- + +"The Chevalier Seraphael and Mr. Burney!" + +They entered calmly, as I could hear,--not see, for my eyes seemed to +turn in my head, and I involuntarily looked away. The former +approached the hostess, who had advanced almost to the door to meet +him, and apologized, but very slightly, for his late appearance, +adding a few words in a lower tone which I could not catch. He was +still holding his companion by the hand, and, before they had time to +part, the dinner was announced with state. + +I lost sight of him long before I obeyed the summons, leading a lady +assigned to me, a head taller than myself, who held a handkerchief in +her hand that looked like a lace veil, and shook it in my face as we +walked down the stairs. I can never sympathize with the abuse heaped +upon these dinner-parties, as I have heard, since I recall that +especial occasion, not only grateful, but with a sense of its Arabian +Night-like charm,--the long table, glistering with damask too white +for the eye to endure, the shining silver, the flashing crystal, the +blaze and mitigated brightness, the pyramid of flowers, the fragrance, +and the picture quiet. + +As we passed in noiselessly and sat down one by one, I saw that the +genius, apart from these, was seated by Miss Lawrence at the top of +the table, and I was at the very bottom, though certainly opposite. +Starwood was on my own side, but far above me. I was constrained to +talk with the lady I had seated next me, and as she did not disdain to +respond at length, to listen while she answered; but I was not +constrained to look upon her, nor did I, nor anything but that face so +long removed, so suddenly and inexplicably restored. + +It is impossible to describe the nameless change that had crept upon +those faultless features, nor how it touched me, clove to my heart +within. Seraphael had entirely lost the flitting healthful bloom of +his very early youth: a perfect paleness toned his face, as if with +purity out-shadowed,--such pearly clearness flinging into relief the +starry distance of his full, deep-colored eyes; the forehead more +bare, more arched, was distinctly veined, and the temples were of +chiselled keenness; the cheek was thinner, the Hebrew contour more +defined; the countenance had gained in apparent calm, but when meeting +his gaze you could peer into those orbs so evening-blue, their +starlight was passionately restless. + +He was talking to Miss Lawrence; he scarcely ceased, but his +conversation was evidently not that which imported anything to +himself,--not the least shade of change thwarted the paleness I have +mentioned, which was that of watchfulness or of intense fatigue. She +to whom he spoke, on the contrary, seemed passed into another form; +she brightened more and more, she flashed, not only from her splendid +eyes, but from her glowing cheek, her brilliant smile: she was on fire +with joy that would not be extinguished; it assuredly was the time of +"all her wealth," and had her mood possessed no other charm, it would +have excited my furious taste by its interesting contrast with his +pale aspect and indrawn expression. + +It was during dessert, when the converse had sprung up like a sudden +air in a calm, when politeness quickened and elegance unconsciously +thawed, that--as I watched the little hands I so loved gleaming in the +purple of the grapes which the light fingers separated one by one--I +passed insensibly to the countenance. It was smiling, and for me: a +sudden light broke through the lips, which folded themselves again +instantly, as if never to smile again; but not until I had known the +dawn of the old living expression, that, though it had slept, I felt +now was able to awaken, and with more thankfulness than I can put into +words. He was of those who stood at the door when the ladies withdrew, +and after their retreat he began to speak to me across the table, +serving me, with a skill I could not appreciate too delicately, to the +merest trivialities, and making a sign to Starwood to take the chair +now empty next me. + +This was exactly what I wanted, for I had not seen him in the +least,--not that I was afraid he had altered, but that I was anxious +to encounter him the same. Although still a little one, he had grown +more than I expected; his blue eye was the same, the same shrinking +lip,--but a great power seemed called out of both. He was exceedingly +well formed, muscular, though delicate; his voice was that which I +remembered, but he had caught Seraphael's accent, and quite slightly +his style,--only not his manner, which no one could approach or +imitate. I learned from Starwood, as we sipped our single glass of +wine, that the Chevalier had been to Miss Lawrence's that very +morning. + +"He told me where he was going, and left me at the hotel; when he came +back he said we were invited for to-night. Miss Lawrence had asked him +to spend one evening, and he was engaged for every one but this. She +was very sorry, she said, that her father had a party to-day. The +Chevalier, however, did not mind, he told her, and should be very +happy to come anyhow." + +"But how does it happen that he is so constantly engaged? It cannot be +to concerts every evening?" + +"Carl, you have no idea how much he is engaged; the rehearsals are to +be every other day, and the rest of the evenings he has been worried +into accepting invitations. I wish to goodness people would let him +alone; if they knew what I know they would." + +"What, my dear boy?" + +"That for every evening he spends in company, he sits up half the +night. I know it, for I have watched that light under his door, and +can hear him make the least little stir when all is so quiet,--at +least, I could at Stralenfeld, where he stayed last, for my room was +across the landing-place; and since we came to London, he told me he +has not slept." + +"I should think you might entreat him to do otherwise, Starwood, or at +least request his friends to do so." + +"He might have no friends, so far as any influence they have goes. +Just try yourself, Carl; and when you see his face, you will not be +inclined to do so any more." + +"You spoke of rehearsals, Star,--what may these be? I have not heard +anything." + +"I only know that he has brought with him two symphonies, three or +four quartets, and a great roll of organ fugues, besides the score of +his oratorio." + +"I had no idea of such a thing. An oratorio?" + +"It is what he wrote in Italy some time ago, and only lately went over +and prepared. It is in manuscript." + +"Shall we hear it?" + +"It is for the third or fourth week in June, but has been kept very +quiet." + +"How did Miss Lawrence come to know him? She did not use to know him." + +"She seems to know everybody, and to get her own way in everything. +You might ask her; she would tell you, and there would be no fear of +her being angry." + +At last we rose. The lamps were lighted when we returned to the +drawing-room; it was nearly ten o'clock, but all was brilliant, +festive. I had scarcely found a seat when Seraphael touched my +shoulder. + +"I want very much to go, Charles. Will you come home with me? I have +all sorts of favors to ask you, and that is the first." + +"But, sir, Miss Lawrence is going to the piano: will not you play +first?" + +"Not at all to-night; we agreed. There are many here who would rather +be excused from music; they can get it at the opera." + +He laughed, and so did I. He then placed his other hand on Starwood, +still touching my shoulder, when Miss Lawrence approached,-- + +"Sir, you know what you said, nor can I ask you to retract it. But may +I say how sorry I am to have been so exacting this morning? It was a +demand upon your time I would not have made had I known what I now +know." + +"What is that? Pray have the goodness to tell me, for I cannot +imagine." + +"That you have brought with you what calls upon every one to beware +how he or she engages you with trifles, lest they suffer from that +repentance which comes too late. I hear of your great work, and shall +rely upon you to allow me to assist you, if it be at all possible I +can, in the very least and lowest degree." + +She spoke earnestly, with an eager trouble in her air. He smiled +serenely. + +"Oh! you quite mistake my motive, Miss Lawrence; it had not to do with +music. It was because I have had no sleep that I wished to retire +early; and you must permit me to make amends for my awkwardness. If it +will not exhaust your guests, as I see you were about to play, let me +make the opening, and oblige me by choosing what you like best." + +"Sir, I cannot refuse, selfish as I am, to permit myself such +exquisite pleasure. There is another thirsty soul here who will be all +the better for a taste of heavenly things." + +She turned to me elated. I looked into his face; he moved to the +piano, made no gesture either of impatience or satisfaction, but drew +the stool to him, and when seated, glanced to Miss Lawrence, who stood +beside him and whispered something. I drew, with Starwood, behind, +where I could watch his hands. + +He played for perhaps twenty minutes,--an _andante_ from Beethoven, an +_allegro_ from Mozart, an _aria_ from Weber, cathedral-echoes from +Purcell, fugue-points from Bach; and mixing them like gathered +flowers, bound them together with a wild, delicious _scherzo finale_, +his own. But though that playing was indeed unto me as heaven in +forecast, and though it filled the heart up to the brim, it was +extremely cold, and I do not remember ever feeling that he was +separable from his playing before. When he arose so quietly, lifting +his awful forehead from the curls that had fallen over it as he bent +his face, he was unflushed as calm, and he instantly shook hands with +Miss Lawrence, only leaving her to leave the room. I followed him +naturally, remembering his request; but she detained me a moment to +say,-- + +"You must come and see me on Thursday, and must also come to +breakfast. I shall be alone, and have something to show you. You are +going along with him, I find,--so much the better; take care of him, +and good night." + +Starwood had followed Seraphael implicitly; they were both below. We +got into a carriage at the door, and were driven I knew not whither; +but it was enough to be with him, even in that silent mood. + +With the same absent grace he ordered another bed-room when we stayed +at his hotel. I could no more have remonstrated with him than with a +monarch when we found ourselves in the stately sitting-room. + +"A pair of candles for the chamber," was his next command; and when +they were brought, he said to us: "The waiter will show you to your +rooms, dear children; you must not wait a moment." + +I could not, so I felt, object, nor entreat him himself to sleep. +Starwood and I departed; and whether it was from the novelty of the +circumstances, or my own transcending happiness, or whether it was +because I put myself into one of Starwood's dresses in default of my +own, I do not conjecture, but I certainly could not sleep, and was +forced to leave it alone. + +I sat upright for an hour or two, and then rolled amongst the great +hot pillows; I examined the register of the grate; I looked into the +tall glass at my own double: but all would not exhaust me, and towards +the very morning I left my bed and made a sally upon the +landing-place. I knew the number of Seraphael's door, for Starwood had +pointed it out to me as we passed along, and I felt drawn, as by +odyllic force, to that very metal lock. + +There was no crack, but a key-hole, and the key-hole was bright as any +star; I peeped in also, and shall never forget my delight, yet dread, +to behold that outline of a figure, which decided me to make an +entrance into untried regions, upon inexperienced moods. Without any +hesitation, I knocked; but recalling to myself his temperament, I +spoke simultaneously,-- + +"Dear sir, may I come in?" + +Though I waited not for his reply, and opened the door quite innocent +of the ghostly apparel I wore--and how very strange must have been my +appearance!--never shall I forget the look that came home to me as I +advanced more near him,--that indrawn, awful aspect, that sweetness +without a smile. + +The table was loaded with papers, but there was no strew,--that +"spirit" ever moulded to harmony its slightest "motion;" one delicate +hand was outspread over a sheet, a pen was in the other: he did not +seem surprised, scarcely aroused. I rushed up to him precipitately. + +"Dear, dearest sir, I would not have been so rude, but I could not +bear to think you might be sitting up, and I came to see. I pray you, +for God's sake, do go to bed!" + +"Carl, very Carl, little Carl, great Carl!" he answered, with the +utmost gentleness, but still unsmiling, "why should I go to bed? and +why shouldest thou come out of thine?" + +"Sir, if it is anything, I cannot sleep while you are not sleeping, +and while you ought to be besides." + +"Is that it? How very kind, how good! I do not wake wilfully, but if I +am awake I must work,--thou knowest that. In truth, Carl, hadst thou +not been so weary, I should have asked thee this very night what I +must ask thee to-morrow morning." + +"Ask me now, sir, for, if you remember, it _is_ to-morrow morning +already." + +"Go get into your bed, then." + +"No, sir, certainly not while you are sitting there." + +A frown, like the shadow of a butterfly, floated over his forehead. + +"If thou wilt have it so, I will even go to this naughty bed, but not +to sleep. The fact is, Carl, I cannot sleep in London. I think that +something in the air distresses my brain; it will _not_ shut itself +up. I was about to ask thee whether there is no country, nothing +green, no pure wind, to be had within four miles?" + +"Sir, you have hit upon a prodigious providence. There is, as I can +assure you experimentally, fresh green, pure country air of Heaven's +own distilling within that distance; and there is also much +more,--there is something you would like even better." + +"What is that, Carlomein?" + +"I will not tell you, sir, unless you sleep to-night." + +"To be sly becomes thee, precisely because thou art not a fox. I will +lie down; but sleep is God's best gift, next to love, and he has +deprived me of both." + +"If I be sly, sir, you are bitter. But there is not too much sleight, +nor bitterness either, where they can be expressed from words. So, +sir, come to bed." + +"Well spoken, Carlomein; I am coming,--sleep thou!" + +But I would not, and I did not leave him until I had seen his head +laid low in all the bareness of its beauty, had seen his large eyelids +fall, and had drawn his curtains in their softest gloom around the +burdened pillow. Then I, too, went back to bed, and I slept delectably +and dreamless. + + + + +CHAPTER XII. + + +Very late I slept, and before I had finished dressing, Starwood came +for me. Seraphael had been down some time, he told me. I was very +sorry, but relieved to discover how much more of his old bright self +he wore than on the previous evening. + +"Now, Carlomein," he began immediately, "we are going on a pilgrimage +directly after breakfast." + +I could tell he was excited, for he ate nothing, and was every moment +at the window. To Starwood his abstinence seemed a matter of course; I +was afraid, indeed, that it was no new thing. I could not remonstrate, +however, having done quite enough in that line for the present. It was +not half-past ten when we found ourselves in an open carriage, into +which the Chevalier sprang last, and in springing said to me: "Give +your own orders, Carlomein." I was for an instant lost, but recovered +myself quite in time to direct, before we drove from the hotel, to the +exact locality of Clara's cottage, unknowing whether I did well or +ill, but determined to direct to no other place. As we passed from +London and met the breeze from fields and gardens, miles and miles of +flower-land, I could observe a clearing of Seraphael's countenance: +its wan shadow melted, he seemed actually abandoned to enjoyment; +though he was certainly in his silent mood, and only called out for my +sympathy by his impressive glances as he stood up in the carriage with +his hat off and swaying to and fro. And when we reached, after a +rapid, exhilarating drive, the winding road with its summer trees in +youngest leaf, he only began to speak,--he had not before spoken. + +"How refreshing!" he exclaimed, "and what a lovely shade! I will +surely not go on a step farther, but remain here and make my bed. It +will be very unfortunate for me if all those pretty houses that I see +are full, and how can we get at them?" + +"I am nearly sure, sir, that you can live here if you like, or close +upon this place; but if you will allow me, I will go on first and +announce your arrival to a friend of mine, who will be rather +surprised at our all coming together, though she would be more happy +than I could express for her to welcome you at her house." + +"It is, then, _that_ I was brought to see,--a friend of thine; thou +hast not the assurance to tell me that any friend of thine will be +glad to welcome another! But go, Carlomein,"--and he opened the +carriage-door,--"go and get over thy meeting first; we will give thee +time. Oh, Carlomein! I little thought what a man thou hadst grown when +I saw thee so tall! Get out, and go quickly; I would not keep thee now +for all the cedars of Lebanon!" + +I could tell his mood now very accurately, but it made no difference; +I knew what I was about, or I thought I knew, and did not remain to +answer. I ran along the road, I turned the corner; the white gate +shone upon me, and again I stopped to breathe. More roses, more +narcissus lambent as lilies, more sweetness, and still more rest! The +grass had been cut that morning, and lay in its little heaps all over +the sunny lawn. The gravel was warm to my feet as I walked to the +door, and long before the door was opened I heard a voice. + +So ardent did my desire expand to identify it with its owner that I +begged the servant not to announce me, nor to disturb Miss Benette if +singing. Thoné took the cue, gave me a kind of smile, and preceded me +with a noiseless march to the very back parlor; I advanced on tiptoe +and crouching forwards. Laura, too, was there, sitting at the table. +She neither read nor worked, nor had anything in her hands; but with +more tact than I should have expected from her, only bowed, and did +not move her lips. In the morning light my angel sat, and her notes, +full orbed and star-like, descended upon my brain. Few notes I +heard,--she was just concluding,--the strain ebbed as the memory of a +kiss itself dissolving; but I heard enough to know that her voice was, +indeed, the realization of all her ideal promise. I addressed her as +she arose, and told her, in very few words, my errand. She was +perturbless as usual, and only looked enchanted, the enchantment +betraying itself in the eye, not in any tremble or the faintest flush. + +"Do bring them, sir," she said; "and as you say this gentleman has +eaten nothing, I will try what I can do to make him eat. It is so +important that I wonder you could allow him to come out until he had +breakfasted,"--for I had told her of his impatience; "afterwards, if +he likes, he can go to see the houses. There are several, I do +believe, if they have not been taken since yesterday." + +I went back to the carriage, and it was brought on to the gate, I +walking beside it. Thoné was waiting, and held it open,--the sweet hay +scented every breath. + +"Oh, how delicious!" said Seraphael, as he alighted, standing still +and looking around. + +The meadows, the hedges, the secluded ways first attracted him; and +then the garden, which I thought he would never have overpassed, then +the porch, in which he stood. + +"And this is England!" he exclaimed; "it is strange how unlike it is +to that wild dream-country I went to when last I came to London. This +is more like heaven,--quiet and full of life!" + +These words recalled me to Clara. He had put his head into the very +midst of those roses that showered over the porch. + +"Oh! I must gather one rose of all these,--there are so many; she will +never miss it." And then he laughed. A soft, soft echo of his laugh +was heard,--it startled me by its softness, it was so like an +infant's. I looked over my shoulder, and there, in the shadow of the +hall, I beheld her, her very self. It was she, indeed, who laughed, +and her eye yet smiled. Without waiting for my introduction, she +courtesied with a profound but easy air, and while, to match this +singular greeting, Seraphael made his regal bow, she said, looking at +him,-- + +"You shall have all the roses, sir, and all my flowers, if you will +let my servant gather them; for I believe you might prick your +fingers, there being also thorns. But while Thoné is at that work, +perhaps you will like to walk in out of the sun, which is too hot for +you, I am sure." She led us to the parlor where she had been singing, +the piano still stood open. + +"But," said Seraphael, taking the first chair as if it were his own, +"we disturb you! What were you doing, you and Carl? I ask his +pardon,--Mr. Auchester." + +"We two did nothing, sir; I was only singing. But that can very well +be put off till after breakfast, which will be ready in a few +minutes." + +"Breakfast?" I thought, but Clara's face told no tales,--her +loveliness was unruffled. The clear blue eye, the divine mouth, were +evidently studies for Seraphael; he sat and watched her eagerly, even +while he answered her. + +"You look as if you had had breakfast." + +"Indeed, I am very hungry, and so is my friend Mr. Auchester." + +"He always looks so, Mademoiselle!" replied the Chevalier, mirthfully, +"but I do really think he might be elegant enough to tell me your +name: he has forgotten to do so in his embarrassment. I cannot guess +whether it be English, French, or German,--Italian, Greek, or Hebrew." + +"I am called Clara Benette, sir; that is my name." + +"It is not Benette,--La Benetta benedetta! Carlomein, why hast thou so +forgotten? Allow me to congratulate you, Mademoiselle, on possessing +the right to be so named. And for this do I give you joy,--that not +for your gifts it has been bestowed, nor for that genius which is +alone of the possessor, but for that goodness which I now experience, +and feel to have been truly ascribed to you." + +He stood to her and held out his hand; calmly she gave hers to it, and +gravely smiled. + +"Sir, I thank you the more because I _know_ your name. I hope you will +excuse me for keeping you so long without your breakfast." + +He laughed again, and again sat down; but his manner, though of that +playful courtliness, was quite drawn out to her. He scarcely looked at +Laura; I did not even believe that he was aware of her presence, nor +was _I_ aware of the power of his own upon her. After ten minutes +Thoné entered and went up to Clara. She motioned to us all then, and +we arose; but as she looked at Seraphael first, he took her out and +into the dining-room. The table was snowed with damask; flowers were +heaped up in the centre,--a bowl of honeysuckles and heartsease; the +dishes here were white bread, brown bread, golden butter, new-laid +eggs in a nest of moss, the freshest cream, the earliest strawberries; +and before the chair which Clara took, stood a silver chocolate-jug +foaming, and coffee above a day-pale spirit-lamp. On the sideboard +were garnished meat, and poultry already carved, the decanters, and +still more flowers; it was a feast raised as if by magic, and +unutterably tempting at that hour of the day. Clara asked no questions +of her chief guest, but pouring out both chocolate and coffee, offered +them both; he accepted the former, nor refused the wing of a chicken +which Thoné brought, nor the bread which Clara asked me to cut. I was +perfectly astounded; she had helped herself also, and was eating so +quietly, after administering her delicious cups all round, that no one +thought of speaking. At last Starwood, by one of those unfortunate +chances that befall timid people, spoke, and instantly turned scarlet, +dropping his eyes forthwith, though he only said, "I never saw the +Chevalier eat so much." Clara answered, with her fork in her dimpled +hand, "That is because you gentlemen have had a long drive; it always +raises the appetite to come out of London into the country. You cannot +eat too much here." + +"Do you think I shall find a house that will hold me and my younger +son," said Seraphael presently, pointing at Starwood his slight +finger, "and a servant or two?" + +"If you like to send my servant, sir, she will find out for you." + +"No, perhaps you will not dislike to drive a little way with us. I +know Carl will be so glad!" + +"We shall be most pleased, sir," she answered, quite quietly, though +there was that in his expression which might easily have fluttered +her. I could not at all account for this eflish mood, though I had +been witness to freaks and fantasies in my boy days. Never had I seen +his presence affect any one so little as Clara. Had she not been of a +loveliness so peculiarly genial, I should have called her cold; as it +was, I felt he had never made himself more at home with any one in my +sight. While, having graciously deferred to her the proposal for an +instant search, he sauntered out into the little front garden, she +went for her bonnet, and came down in it,--a white straw, with a +white-satin ribbon and lining, and a little white veil of her own +work, as I could tell directly I caught her face through its wavering +and web-like tracery. Seraphael placed her in the carriage, and then +looked back. + +"Oh, Laura--that is, Miss Lemark--is not coming," observed Miss +Benette; this did not strike me except as a rather agreeable +arrangement, and off we drove. Fritz, Seraphael's own man, was on the +box,--a perfect German, of very reserved deportment, who, however, one +could see, would have allowed Seraphael to walk upon him. His heavy +demonstrations about situations and suitabilities made even Clara +laugh, as they were met by Seraphael's wayward answers and skittish +sallies. We had a very long round, and then went back to dinner with +our lady; but Seraphael, by the time the moon had risen, fell into +May-evening ecstasies with a very old-fashioned tenement built of +black wood and girded by a quickset hedge, because it suddenly, in the +silver shine, reminded him of his own house in Germany, as he said. It +was so near the cottage that two persons might even whisper together +over the low and moss-greened garden-wall. + +The invitation of Miss Lawrence I could not forget, even through the +intenser fascination spread about me. I returned with Seraphael to +town again, and again to the country; he having thither removed his +whole effects,--so important, though of so slight bulk, they +consisting almost entirely of scored and other compositions, which +were safely deposited in a little empty room of the rambling house he +had chosen. This room he and Starwood and I soon made fit to be seen +and inhabited, by our distribution of all odd furniture over it, and +all the conveniences of the story. Three large country scented +bed-rooms, with beds big enough for three chevaliers in each, and two +drawing-rooms, were all that we cared for besides. Seraphael was only +like a child that night that is preparing for a whole holiday: he +wandered from room to room; he shut himself into pantry, wine-cellar, +and china-closet; he danced like a day-beam through the low-ceiled +sitting-chambers, and almost threw himself into the garden when he saw +it out of the window. It was the wildest place,--the walks all sown +with grass, an orchard on a bank all moss, forests of fruit-trees and +moss-rose bushes, and the great white lilies in ranks all round the +close-fringed lawn; all old-fashioned flowers in their favorite soils, +a fountain and a grotto, and no end of weeping-ashes, arbors bent from +willows, and arcades of nut and filbert trees. The back of the house +was veiled with a spreading vine--too luxuriant--that shut out all but +fresh green light from the upper bed-rooms; but Seraphael would not +have a spray cut off, nor did he express the slightest dissatisfaction +at being overlooked by the chimneys and roof-hung windows of Clara's +little cottage, which peeped above the hedge. The late inhabitant and +present owner of the house, an eccentric gentlewoman who abjured all +innovation, had desired that no change should pass upon her tenement +during her absence for a sea-side summer; even the enormous mastiff, +chained in the yard to his own house, was to remain barking or baying +as he listed; and we were rather alarmed, Starwood and I, to discover +that Seraphael had let him loose, in spite of the warnings of the +housekeeper, who rustled her scant black-silk skirts against the +doorstep in anger and in dread. I was about to make some slight +movement in deprecation, for the dog was fiercely strong and of a +tremendous expression indeed, but he only lay down before the +Chevalier and licked the leather of his boots, afterwards following +him over the whole place until darkness came, when he howled on being +tied up again until Seraphael carried him a bone from our +supper-table. Our gentle master retired to rest, and his candle-flame +was lost in the moonlight long before I could bring myself to go to +bed. I can never describe the satisfaction, if not the calm, of lying +between two poles of such excitement as the cottage and that haunted +mansion. + + + + +CHAPTER XIII. + + +Seraphael had desired me to stay with him, therefore the next morning +I intended to give up my London lodgings on the road to Miss +Lawrence's square, or rather out of the road. When I came downstairs +into the sun-lit breakfast-room, I found Starwood alone and writing to +his father, but no Chevalier. Nor was he in his own room, for the sun +was streaming through the vine-shade on the tossed bed-clothes, and +the door and window were both open as I descended. Starwood said that +he had gone to walk in the garden, and that we were not to wait for +him. "What! without his breakfast?" said I. But Starwood smiled such a +meaning smile that I was astonished, and could only sit down. + +We ate and drank, but neither of us spoke. I was anxious to be off, +and Star to finish his letter; though as we both arose and were still +alone, he yet looked naughty. I would not pretend to understand him, +for if he has a fault, that darling friend of mine, it is that he sees +through people rather too soon, construing their intentions before +they inform experience. + +I could not make up my mind to ride, but set off on foot along the +sun-glittering road, through emerald shades, past gold-flecked +meadows, till through the mediant chaos of brick-fields and dust-heaps +I entered the dense halo surrounding London,--"smoke the tiara of +commerce," as a pearl of poets has called it. The square looked +positively lifeless when I came there. I almost shrank from my +expedition, not because of any fear I had on my own account, but +because all the inhabitants might have been asleep behind the glaze of +their many windows. + +I was admitted noiselessly and as if expected, shown into the +drawing-room, so large, so light and splendid in the early sun. All +was noiseless, too, within; an air of affluent calm pervaded as an +atmosphere itself the rich-grouped furniture, the piano closed, the +stools withdrawn. I was not kept two minutes; Miss Lawrence entered, +in the act of holding out her hand. I was instantly at home with her, +though she was one of the grandest persons I ever saw. She accepted my +arm, and, not speaking, took me to a landing higher, and to a room +which appeared to form one of a suite; for a curtain extended across +one whole side,--a curtain as before an oratory in a dwelling-house. + +Breakfast was outspread here; on the walls, a pale sea-green, shone +delectable pictures in dead-gold frames,--pictures even to an +inexperienced eye pure relics of art. The windows had no curtains, +only a broad gold cornice; the chairs were damask, white and green; +the carpet oak-leaves, on a lighter ground. It was evidently a retreat +of the lesser art,--it could not be called a boudoir; neither ornament +nor mirror, vase nor book-stand, broke the prevalent array. I said I +had breakfasted, but she made me sit by her and told me,-- + +"I have not, and I am sure you will excuse me. One must eat, and I am +not so capable to exist upon little as you are. Yet you shall not sit, +if you would rather see the pictures, because there are not too many +to tire you in walking round. Too many together is a worse mistake +than too few." + +I arose immediately, but I took opportunity to examine my entertainer +in pauses as I moved from picture to picture. She wore black brocaded +silk this morning, with a Venetian chain and her watch, and a collar +all lace; her hair, the blackest I had ever seen except Maria's, was +coiled in snake-like wreaths to her head so small behind while it +arched so broadly and benevolently over her noble eyes. She was older +than I had imagined, and may have been forty at that time; the only +observation one could retain about the fact being that her gathered +years had but served to soften every crudity of an extremely decided +organization, and to crown wisdom with refinement. + +She soon pushed back her cup and plate, and came to my side. She +looked suddenly, a little anxiously at me. + +"You must be rather curious to know why I asked you to come to me +to-day; and were you not a gentleman, you would have been also +curious, I fancy, to know why I could not see you on Tuesday. I want +you to come this way." + +I followed; she slid the curtain along its rings, and we entered the +oratory. I know not that it was so far unlike such precinct, for from +thence art reared her consecrated offerings to the presence of every +beauty. I felt this, and that the artist was pure in heart, even +before her entire character faced my own. The walls here, of the same +soft marine shade, were also lighted by pictures,--the strangest, the +wildest, the least assorted, yet all according. + +A peculiar and unique style was theirs; each to each presented the +atmosphere of one imagination. Dark and sombrous woods, moon-pierced, +gleamed duskly from a chair where they were standing frameless; +resting against them, a crowd of baby faces clustered in a giant +flower-chalice; a great lotus was the hieroglyph of a third. On the +walls faces smiled or frowned,--huge profiles; dank pillars mirrored +in rushy pools; fragments of heathen temples; domes of diaphanous +distance in a violet sky; awful palms; dread oceans, with the last +ghost-shadow of a wandering wreck. I stood lost, unaccustomed either +to the freaks or the triumphs of pictorial art; I could only say in my +amaze, "Are these all yours? How wonderful!" She smiled very +carelessly. + +"I did not intend you to look at those, except askance, if you were +kind enough. I keep them to advertise my own deficiencies and to +compare the present with the past. The present is very aspiring, and +_for_ the present devours my future. I hope it will dedicate itself +thereunto. I wish you to come here, to this light." + +She was placed before an immense easel to the right of a large-paned +window, where the best London day streamed above the lower dimness. An +immense sheet of canvas was turned away from us upon the easel; but in +a moment she had placed it before us, and fell back in the same +moment, a little from me. + +Nor shall I ever forget that moment's issue. I forgot it was a +picture, and all I could feel was a trance-like presence brought unto +me in a day-dream of immutable satisfaction. On either side, the +clouds, light golden and lucid crimson, passed into a central sphere +of the perfect blue. And reared into that, as it were the empyrean of +the azure, gleamed in full relief the head, life-sized, of Seraphael. +The bosom white-vested, the regal throat, shone as the transparent +depths of the moon, not moonlight, against the blue unshadowed. The +clouds deeper, heavier, and of a dense violet, were rolled upon the +rest of the form; the bases of those clouds as livid as the storm, +but their edges, where they flowed into the virgin raiment, +sun-fringed, glittering. The visage was raised, the head thrown back +into the ether; but the eyes were drooping, the snow-sealed lips at +rest. The mouth faint crimson, thrilling, spiritual, appalled by its +utter reminiscence; the smile so fiery-soft just touched the lips +unparted. No symbol strewed the cloudy calm below, neither lyre, +laurel-wreathed, nor flowery chaplet; but on either side, where the +clouds disparted in wavering flushes and golden pallors, two hands of +light, long, lambent, life-like, but not earthly, held over the brow a +crown. + +Passing my eye among the cloud-lights,--for I cannot call them +shadows,--I could just gather with an eager vision, as one gathers the +thready moon-crescent in a mid-day sky, that on either side a visage +gleamed, veiled and drenched also in the rose-golden mist. + +One countenance was dread and glorious, of sharp-toned ecstasy that +cut through the quivering medium,--a self-sheathed seraph; the other +was mild and awful, informed with steadfast beauty, a shining cherub. +They were Beethoven and Bach, as they might be known in heaven; but +who, except the musician, would have known them for themselves on +earth? It was not for me to speak their names,--I could not utter +them; my heart was dry,--I was thirsty for the realization of that +picture promise. + +The crown they uplifted in those soft, shining hands was a circle of +stars gathered to each other out of that heavenly silence, and into +the azure vague arose that brow over which the conqueror's sign, +suspended, shook its silver terrors. For such awful fancies shivered +through the brain upon its contemplation that I can but call it +_transcendental_,--beyond expression; the feeling, the fear, the +mystery of starlight pressed upon the spirit and gave new pulses to +the heart. The luminous essence from the large white points seemed +rained upon that forehead and upon the deep tints of the god-like +locks; they turned all clear upon their orbed clusters, they melted +into the radiant halo which flooded, yet as with a glory one could not +penetrate, the impenetrable elevation of the lineaments. + +I dared only gaze; had I spoken, I should have wept, and I would not +disturb the image by my tears. I soon perceived how awfully the +paintress had possessed herself of the inspiration, the melancholy, +and the joy. The crown, indeed, was grounded upon rest, and of +unbroken splendor; but it beamed upon the aspect of exhaustion and +longing strife, upon lips yet thirsty, and imploring patience. + +I suppose my silence satisfied the artist; for before I had spoken, or +even unriveted my gaze, she said, herself-- + +"That I have worked upon for a year. I was allowing myself to dream +one day--just such a day as this--last spring; and insensibly my +vision framed itself into form. The faces came before I knew,--at +least those behind the clouds; and having caught them, I conceived the +rest. I could not, however, be certain of my impressions about the +chief countenance, and I waited with it unfinished enough until the +approach of the season, for I knew he was coming now, and before he +arrived I sent him a letter to his house in Germany. I had a pretty +business to find out the address, and wrote to all kinds of persons; +but at last I succeeded, and my suit was also successful. I had asked +him to sit to me." + +"Then you had not known him before? You did not know him all those +years?" + +"I had seen him often, but never known him. Oh, yes! I had seen his +face. You have a tolerable share of courage: could you have asked him +such a favor?" + +"You see, Miss Lawrence, I have received so many favors from him +without asking for them. Had I possessed such genius as yours, I +should not only have done the same, but have felt to do it was my +duty. It is a portrait for all the ages, not only for men, but for +angels." + +"Only for angels, if fit at all; for that face is something beyond +man's utmost apprehension of the beautiful. It must ever remain a +solitary idea to any one who has received it. You will be shocked if I +tell you that his beauty prevails more with _me_ than his music." + +"But is it not the immediate consequence of such musical investment?" + +"I believe, on the contrary, that the musical investment, as you +charmingly express it, is the direct consequence of the lofty +organization." + +"That is a new notion for me; I must turn it over before I take it +home. I would rather consider the complement of his gifts to be that +heavenly heart of his which endows them each and all with what must +live forever in unaltered perfection." + +"And it pleases me to feel that he is of like passions with us, +protected from the infraction of laws celestial by the image of the +Creator still conserved to his mortal nature, and stamping it with a +character beyond the age. But about his actual advent. He answered my +letter in person. I was certainly appalled to hear of his arrival, and +that he was downstairs. I was up here muddling with my brushes, +without knowing what to be at; up comes my servant-- + +"'Mr. Seraphael.' + +"Imagine such an announcement! I descend, we meet,--for the first time +in private except, indeed, on the occasion when his shadow was +introduced to me, as you may remember. He was in the drawing-room, +pale from travelling, full of languor left by sea-sickness, looking +like a spirit escaped from prison. I was almost ashamed of my daring, +far more so than alarmed. I thought he was about to appoint a day; but +no. He said,-- + +"'I am at your service this morning, if it suits you; but as you did +not favor me with your address, I could not arrange beforehand. I went +to my music-sellers and asked them about you. I need not tell you that +you were known there, and that I am much obliged to them.' + +"Actually it was a fact that I had not furnished him with my address; +but I was perfectly innocent of my folly. What could I do but not lose +a moment? I asked him to take refreshment; no, he had breakfasted, or +dined, or something, and we came up here directly. I never saw such +behavior. He did not even inquire what I was about, but sat, like a +god in marble, just where I had placed him,--out there. You perceive +that I have lost the eyes, or at least have rendered them up to +mystery. Well, when, having caught the outline of the forehead, and +touched the temples, I descended to those eyes, and saw they were full +upon me, I could do nothing with them. I cannot paint light, only its +ghost; nor fire, only its shade. His eyes are at once fire and +light,--I know not of which the most; or, at least, that which is the +light of fire. Even the streaming lashes scarcely tempered the +radiance there. I let them fall, and veiled what one scarcely dares to +meet,--at least I. He sat to me for hours; but though I knew not how +the time went, and may be forgiven for inconsideration, I had no idea +that he was going straight to the committee of the choir-day on the +top of that sitting. I kept him long enough for what I wanted, and as +he did not ask to see the picture, I did not show it him. He shall see +it when it is finished." + +"What finish does it require? I see no change that it can need to +carry out the likeness, which is all we want." + +"Oh, yes! more depth in the darkness, and more glory in the light; +less electric expression, more ideal serenity,--above all, more pain +above the forehead, more peace about the crown. Moonlight without a +moon, sunshine without the solar rays,--the day of heaven." + +"I can only say, Miss Lawrence, that you deserve to be able to do as +you have done, and to feel that no one else could have done it." + +"Very exclusive, that feeling, but perhaps necessary. I have it, but +my deserts will only be transcended if Seraphael himself shall +approve. And now for another question,--Will you go with me to this +choir-day?" + +"I am trying to imagine what you mean. I have not heard the name until +you spoke it. Is it in the North?" + +"Certainly not; though even York Minster would not be a bad +notion--that is to say, it would suit our Beethoven exactly; but this +is another hierarch. What do you think of an oratorio in Westminster +Abbey, the conductor our own, the whole affair of his? No wonder you +have heard nothing; it has been kept very snug, and was only arranged +by the interposition of various individuals whose influence is more of +mammon than of art,--the objection at first being chiefly on the part +of the profession; but that is overruled by their being pretty nearly +every one included in the orchestra. Such a thing is never likely to +occur again. Say that you will go with me. If it be anything to you, I +shall give you one of the best seats, in the very centre, where you +will see and hear better than most people. Imagine the music in that +place of tombs,--it is a melancholy but glorious project; may we +realize it!" + +_I_ could not at present,--it was out of the question; nor could I +bear to stay,--there was nothing for it but to make haste out, where +the air made solitude. I bade the paintress good morning, and quitted +her. I believe she understood my frame. + + + + +CHAPTER XIV. + + +I walked home also, and was tolerably tired. Entering the house as one +at home there, I found nobody at home, no Starwood,--no Chevalier. I +lay upon the sofa in a day-dream or two, and when rested, went out +into the garden. I searched every corner, too, in vain; but wandering +past the dividing hedge, a voice floated articulately over the still +afternoon. + +All was calm and warm. The slightest sound made way, and I hesitated +not to scale the green barrier, nowhere too high for me to leap it, +and to approach the parlor of the cottage in that unwonted fashion. I +was in for pictures this while, I suppose; for when I reached the +glass doors that swept the lawn wide open, and could peep through them +without disturbing foot on that soft soil, I saw, indeed, another, a +less impressive, not less expressive, view. Clara sat at her piano, +her side-face was in the light. His own, which I was sure to find +there, in profile also, was immediately behind her; but as he stood, +the shade had veiled him, the shade from the trembling leaves without, +through which one sunbeam shot, and upon the carpet kissed his feet. +She was singing, as I could hear, scarcely see, for her lips opened +not more than for a kiss, to sing. The strains moulded themselves +imperceptibly, or as a warble shaken in the throat of a careless +nightingale that knew no listener. + +Seraphael, as he stood apart drinking in the notes with such eagerness +that his lips were also parted, had never appeared to me so borne out +of himself, so cradled in a second nature. I could scarcely have +believed that the face I knew so well had yet an expression hidden I +knew not of; but it was so: kindled at another fire than that which +his genius had stolen from above, his eye was charged, his cheek +flushed. + +So exquisitely beautiful they looked together,--he in that soft +shadow, she in that tremulous light,--that at first I noticed not a +third figure, now brought before me. Behind them both, but sitting so +that she could see his face, was Laura,--or rather she half lay; some +antique figures carved in statuary have an attitude as listless, that +bend on monuments, or crouch in relievo. She had both her arms +outspread upon the little work-table, hanging over the edge, the hands +just clasped together, as reckless in repose; her face all colorless, +her eyes all clear, but with scarcely more tinting, were fixed, rapt, +upon Seraphael. + +I could not tell whether she was feeding upon his eye, his cheek, or +his beauteous hair; all her life came forth from her glance, but it +spent itself without expression. Still, that deep, that feeding gaze +was enough for me; there was in it neither look of hope nor of +despair, as I could have interpreted it. I did not like to advance, +and waited till my feet were stiff; but neither could I retire. + +I waited while Clara, without comment on her part or request of his, +glided from song to _scena_, from the romance of a wilderness to the +simplest troll. Her fingers just touched the keys as we touch them for +the violin solo,--supporting, but unnoticeable. At last, when afraid +to be caught,--for the face of the Chevalier in its new expression I +rather dreaded,--I went back, like a thief, the way I came, and still +more like a thief in that I carried away a treasure of remembrance +from those who knew not they had lost it. + +I found Starwood yet out, and roved very impatiently all over the +house until, at perhaps five o'clock, Seraphael came in for something. +The dog in the yard barked out; but I was in no humor to let him +loose, and ran straight into the hall. + +"Carlomein," said the Chevalier, "I thought you were in London. Is it +possible, my child, that you have not dined?" and he gave orders for +an instant preparation. "I am truly vexed that I did not know it, but +Stern is gone to his father, and will stay till the last coach +to-night. I thought you would be absent also." + +"And so, sir, I suppose you had determined to go without your dinner?" + +He smiled. + +"Not at all, Carlomein. The fact is, I _have_ dined. I could not +resist La Benetta benedetta. I never knew what young potatoes were +until I tasted them over there." + +"I daresay not," I thought; but I was wise enough to hold my tongue. + +"Then, sir, I shall dine alone; and very much I shall enjoy it. There +is nothing I like so well as dining alone, except to dine alone with +you." + +"Carl! Carl! hadst thou been in that devil when he tempted Eve! +Pardon, but I have come home for a few things, and have promised to +return." + +"Sir, if you will not think it rude, I must say that for once in your +life you are enjoying what you confer upon others. I am so glad!" + +"I thought it says, 'It is better to give than to receive.' I do like +receiving; but perhaps that is because I cannot give this which I now +receive. Carlomein, there is a spell upon thee; there is a charm about +thee, that makes thee lead all thou lovest to all they love! It is a +thing I cannot comprehend, but am too content to feel." + +He ran into his study, and returning, just glanced into the room with +an air of _allegresse_ to bid me adieu; but what had he in his arms, +if it were not the score of his oratorio? I knew its name by this +time; I saw it in that nervous writing which I could read at any +earthly distance,--what was to be done with it, and what then? Was he +going to the rehearsal, or a rehearsal of his own? + +I had not been half an hour quiet, playing to myself, having unpacked +my fiddle for the first time since I came to London, when the lady of +the scanty silk arrived at my door and aroused me. Some gentlemen had +called to see the Chevalier, and as he was supposed to be absent, must +see me. I went down into a great, dampish dining-room we had not lived +in at all, and found three or four worthies, a deputation from the +band and chorus, who had helplessly assembled two hours ago in London, +and were at present waiting for the conductor. + +It was no pleasant task to infringe the fragrant privacy of the +cottage, but I had to do it. I went to the front gate this time, and +sent up a message, that I might not render myself more intrusive than +necessary. He came down as upon the wings of the wind, with his hat +half falling from his curls, and flew to the deputation without a +syllable to me; they carried him off in triumph so immediately that I +could only fancy he looked annoyed, and may have been about that +matter mistaken. + +Certainly Clara was not annoyed, whom I went in-doors to see; Laura +had vanished, and she herself was alone in the room, answering my +first notes of admiration merely, "Yes, I have sung to him a good +while." I was, however, so struck with the change, not in manner, but +in her mien, that I would stay on to watch, at the risk of being in +the way more than ever in my days. Since I had entered, she had not +once looked up; but an unusual flush was upon her face, she appeared +serious, but intent,--something seemed to occupy her. At last, after +turning about the music-sheets that strewed the chamber everywhere, +and placing them by in silence,--and a very long time she took,--she +raised her eyes. Their lustre was indeed quickened; never saw I so +much excitement in them; they were still not so grave as +significant,--full of unwonted suggestions. I ventured to say then,-- + +"And now, Miss Benette, I may ask you what you feel about the +personality of this hero?" + +I could not put it better; she replied not directly, but came and sat +beside me on the sofa, by the window. She laid her little hands in her +lap, and her glance followed after them. I could see she was +inexpressibly burdened with some inward revelation. I could not for a +moment believe she trembled, but certainly there was a quiver of her +lips; her silken curls, so calm, did not hide the pulsation, +infantinely rapid, of those temples where the harebell-azure veins +pencilled the rose-flower skin. After a few moments' pause, during +which she evidently collected herself, she addressed me, her own sweet +voice as clear as ever, but the same trouble in it that touched her +gaze. + +"Sir, I am going to tell you something, and to ask your advice +besides." + +"I am all attention!" indeed, I was in an agony to attend and learn. + +"I have had a strange visitor this morning,--very sudden, and I was +not prepared. You will think me very foolish when you hear what is the +matter with me, that I have not written to Mr. Davy; but I prefer to +ask you. You are more enlightened, though you are so young." + +"Miss Benette, I know your visitor; for on returning home next door, I +missed my master, and I knew he could be only here. What has he done +that could possibly raise a difficulty, or said that could create a +question? He is my unerring faith, and should be yours." + +"I do not wonder; but I have not known him so long, you see, and +contemplate him differently. I had been telling him, as he requested +to know my plans, of the treatment I had received at the opera, and +how I had not quite settled whether to come out now or next year as an +actress. He answered,-- + +"'Do neither.' + +"I inquired why? + +"'You must not accept any engagement for the stage in England, and +pray do not hold out to them any idea that you will.' + +"Now, what does he mean? Am I to give up my only chance of being able +to live in England? For I wish to live here. And am I to act +unconscientiously? For my conscience tells me that the pure-hearted +should always follow their impulses. Now, I know very few persons; but +I am born to be known of many,--at least I suppose so, or why was I +gifted with this voice, my only gift?" + +"Miss Benette, you cannot suppose the Chevalier desires your voice to +be lost. Has he not been informing and interpenetrating himself with +it the whole morning? He has a higher range in view for you, be +assured, or he had not persuaded you, _I_ am certain, to annul your +present privileges. He has the right to will what he pleases." + +"And are we all to obey him?" + +"Certainly; and only him,--in matters musical. If you knew him as I +do, you would feel this." + +"But is it like a musician to draw me away from my duty?" + +"Not obviously; but there may be no duty here. You do not know how +completely, in the case of dramatic, and indeed of all other art, the +foundations are out of course." + +"You mean they do not fulfil their first intentions. But then nothing +does, except, certainly, as it was first created. We have lost that +long." + +"Music, Miss Benette, it appears to me, so long as it preserves its +purity, may consecrate all the forms of art by raising them into its +own atmosphere,--govern them as the soul the body. But where music is +itself degraded, its very type defaced, its worship rendered +ridiculous, its nature mere name, by its own master the rest falls. I +know not much about it, but I know how little the drama depends on +music in this country, and how completely, in the first place, one +must lend one's self to its meanest effect in order to fulfil the +purpose of the writer. All writers for the stage have become profane, +and dramatic writers whom we still confess to, are banished from the +stage in proportion to the elevation of their works. I even go so far +as to think an artist does worse who lends an incomparable organ to +such service than an unheeded player (myself, for example), who +should form one in the ranks of such an orchestra as that of our +opera-houses, where the bare notion or outline of harmony is all that +is provided for us. While the idea of the highest prevails with us, +our artist-life must harmonize, or Art will suffer,--and it suffers +enough now. I have said too long a say, and perhaps I am very +ignorant; but this is what I think." + +"You cannot speak too much, sir, and you know a great deal more than I +do. My feeling was that I could perhaps have shown the world that +simplicity of life is not interfered with by a public career, and that +those who love what is beautiful must also love what is good, and +endeavor to live up to it besides. I have spoken to several musicians +abroad, who came to me on purpose; they all extolled my voice, and +entreated me to sing upon the stage. I did so then because I was poor +and had several things I wished to do; but I cannot say I felt at home +with music on the stage in Italy. The gentleman who was here to-day +was the first who disturbed my ideas and dissuaded me. I was +astonished, not because I am piqued,--for you do not know how much I +should prefer to live a quiet life,--but because everybody else had +told me a different story. I do not like to think I shall only be able +to sing in concerts, for there are very few concerts that content me, +and I do so love an orchestra. Am I to give it all up? If this +gentleman had said, 'Only sing in this opera or that,' I could have +made up my mind. But am I never to sing in any? Am I to waste my voice +that God gave me as he gives to others a free hand or a great +imagination? You cannot think so, with all your industry and all your +true enthusiasm." + +"Miss Benette, you must not be shocked at what I shall now say, +because I mean it with all reverence. I could no more call in +question the decision of such genius than I could that of Providence +if it sent me death-sickness or took away my friends. I am certain +that the motive, which you cannot make clear just yet, is that you +would approve of." + +"And you also, sir?" + +"And I also, though it is as dark to me as to you. Let it stand over, +then; but for all our sakes do not thwart him,--he has suffered too +much to be thwarted." + +"Has he suffered? I did not know that." + +"Can such a one live and not suffer? A nature which is all love,--an +imagination all music?" + +"I thought that he looked delicate, but very happy,--happy as a child +or an angel. I have seen your smile turn bitter, sir,--pardon,--but +never his. I am sure, if it matters to him that I should accede, I +will do so, and I cannot thank you enough for telling me." + +"Miss Benette, if you are destined to do anything great for music, it +may be in one way as well as in another; that is, if you befriend the +greatest musician, it is as much as if you befriended music. Now you +cannot but befriend him if you do exactly as he requests you." + +"In all instances, you recommend?" + +"_I_, at least, could refuse him nothing. The nourishment such a +spirit requires is not just the same as our own, perhaps, but it must +not the less be supplied. If I could, now, clean his boots better than +any one else, or if he liked my cookery, I would give up what I am +about and take a place in his service." + +"What! you would give up your violin, your career, your place among +the choir of ages?" + +"I would; for in rendering a single hour of his existence on earth +unfretted,--in preserving to him one day of ease and comfort,--I +should be doing more for all people, all time, at least for the ideal, +who will be few in every age, but many in all the ages, and who I +believe leaven society better than a priesthood. I would not say so +except to a person who perfectly understands me; for as I hold laws to +be necessary, I would infringe no social or religious _régime_ by one +heterodox utterance to the ear of the uninitiated: still, having said +it, I keep to my text, that you must do exactly as he pleases. He has +not set a seal upon your throat at present, if you have been singing +all the morning." + +"I have been singing from his new great work. There is a contralto +solo, 'Art Thou not from Everlasting?' which spoiled my voice; I could +not keep the tears down, it was so beautiful and entreating. He was a +little angry at me; at least he said, 'You must not do that.' There is +also a very long piece which I scarcely tried, we had been so long +over the other, which he made me sing again and again until I composed +myself. What a mercy Mr. Davy taught us to read so fast! I have found +it help me ever since. Do you mean to go to this oratorio?" + +"I am to go with Miss Lawrence. How noble, how glorious she is!" + +"Your eyes sparkle when you speak of her. I knew you would there find +a friend." + +"I hope you, too, will hear it, Miss Benette. I shall speak to the +Chevalier about it." + +"I pray you not to do so; there will not be any reason, for I find out +all about those affairs. Take care of yourself, Mr. Auchester, or +rather make Miss Lawrence take care of you; she will like to have to +do so." + +"I must go home, if it is not to be just yet, and return on purpose +for the day." + +"But that will fatigue you very much,--cannot you prevent it? One +ought to be quiet before a great excitement." + +"Oh! you have found that. I cannot be quiet until afterwards." + +"I have never had a great excitement," said Clara, innocently; "and I +hope I never may. It suits me to be still." + +"May that calm remain in you and for you with which you never fail to +heal the soul within your power, Miss Benette!" + +"I should indeed be proud, Mr. Auchester, to keep you quiet; but that +you will never be until it is forever." + +"In that sense no one could, for who could ever desire to awaken from +that rest? And from all rest here it is but to awaken." + +I felt I ought to go, or that I might even remain too long. It was +harder at that moment to leave her than it had ever been before; but I +had a prescience that for that very reason it was better to depart. +Starwood had returned, I found, and was waiting about in the evening, +before the candles came. + +We both watched the golden shade that bound the sunset to its crimson +glow, and then the violet dark, as it melted downwards to embrace the +earth. We were both silent, Starwood from habit (I have never seen +such power of abstraction), I by choice. An agitated knock came +suddenly, about nine, and into the room bounced the big dog, tearing +the carpet up with his capers. Seraphael followed, silent at first as +we; he stole after us to the window, and looked softly forth. I could +tell even in the uncertain silver darkness of that thinnest shell of +a moon that his face was alight with happiness, an ineffable +gentleness,--not the dread alien air of heaven, soothing the passion +of his countenance. He laid for long his tiny hand upon my shoulder, +his arm crept round my neck, and drawing closer still, he sighed +rather than said, after a thrilling pause,-- + +"Carlomein, wilt thou come into my room? I have a secret for thee; it +will not take long to tell." + +"The longer the better, sir." + +We went out through the dark drawing-room, we came to his +writing-chamber; here the white sheets shone like ghosts in the bluish +blackness, for we were behind the sunset. + +"We will have no candles, because we shall return so soon. And I love +secrets told in the dark, or between the dark and light. I have +prevented that child from taking her own way. It was very naughty, and +I want to be shriven. Shrive me, Charles." + +"In all good part, sir, instantly." + +"I have been quarrelling with the manager. He was very angry, and his +whiskers stood out like the bristles of a cat; for I had snatched the +mouse from under his paw, you see." + +"The mouse must have been glad enough to get away, sir. And you have +drawn a line through her engagement? She has told me something of it, +and we are grateful." + +"I have cancelled her engagement! Well, this one,--but I am going to +give her another. She does not know it, but she will sing for me at +another time. Art thou angry, Carl? Thou art rather a dread +confessor." + +"I could not do anything but rejoice, sir. How little she expects to +bear such a part! She is alone fitted for it; an angel, if he came +into her heart, could not find one stain upon his habitation." + +"The reason you take home to you, then, Carlomein?" + +"Sir, I imagine that you consider her wanting in dramatic power; or +that as a dramatic songstress under the present dispensation she would +but disappoint herself, and perhaps ourselves; or that she is too +delicately organized,--which is no new notion to me." + +"All of these reasons, and yet not one,--not even because, Carlomein, +in all my efforts I have not written directly for the stage, nor +because a lingering recollection ever forbids profane endeavor. There +is yet a reason, obvious to myself, but which I can scarcely make +clear to you. Though I would have you know, and learn as truth, that +there is nothing I take from this child I will not restore to her +again, nor shall she have the lesson to be taught to feel that in +heaven alone is happiness." + +He made a long, long pause. I was in no mood to reply, and it was not +until I was ashamed of my own silence that I spoke; then my own +accents startled me. I told Seraphael I must return on the morrow to +my own place if I were to enjoy at length what Miss Lawrence had set +before me. He replied that I must come back to him when I came, and +that he would write to me meantime. + +"If I can, Carlomein; but I cannot always write even, my child, to +thee. There is one thing more between us,--a little end of business." + +He lit with a waxen match a waxen taper, which was coiled into a +brazen cup; he brought it from the mantelshelf to the table; he took a +slip of paper and a pen. The tiny flame threw out his hand, of a +brilliant ivory, while his head remained in flickering shadow,--I +could trace a shadow smile. + +"Now, Carlomein, this brother of yours. His name is David, I think?" + +"Lenhart Davy, sir." + +"Has he many musical friends?" + +"Only his wife particularly so,--the class are all neophytes." + +"Well, he can do as he pleases. Here is an order." + +He held out the paper in a regal attitude, and in the other hand +brought near the tremulous taper, that I so might read. It was,-- + + ABBEY CHOIR, WESTMINSTER. + + Admit Mr. Lenhart Davy and party 21st June. + + SERAPHAEL. + +I could say nothing, nor even essay to thank him,--indeed he would not +permit it, as I could perceive. We returned directly to the +drawing-room, and roused Starwood from a blue study, as the Chevalier +expressed it. + +"I am ready, and Miss Lemark is tired of waiting for both of us," said +Miss Lawrence, as she entered that crown of days, the studio; "I have +left her in the drawing-room. And, by the way, though it is nothing to +the purpose, she has dressed herself very prettily." + +"I do not think it is nothing to the purpose,--people dress to go to +church, and why not, then, to honor music? You have certainly +succeeded also, Miss Lawrence, if it is not impertinent that I say +so." + +"It is not impertinent. You will draw out the colors of that bit of +canvas, if you gaze so ardently." + +It was not so easy to refrain. That morning the pictured presence had +been restored to its easel, framed and ready for inspection. I had +indeed lost myself in that contemplation; it was hard to tear myself +from it even for the embrace of the reality. The border, dead gold, +of great breadth and thickness, was studded thickly with raised bright +stars, polished and glittering as points of steel. The effect thus +seemed conserved and carried out where in general it abates. I cannot +express the picture; it was finished to that high degree which +conceals its own design, and mantles mechanism with pure suggestion. I +turned at length and followed the paintress; my prospects more +immediate rushed upon me. + +Our party, small and select as the most seclusive spirit could ask +for, consisted of Miss Lawrence and her father,--a quiet but genuine +amateur he,--of Miss Lemark, whom my friend had included without a +question, with Starwood and myself. We had met at Miss Lawrence's, and +went together in her carriage. She wore a deep blue muslin +dress,--blue as that summer heaven; her scarf was gossamer, the hue of +the yellow butterfly, and her bonnet was crested with feathers +drooping like golden hair. Laura was just in white; her Leghorn hat +lined with grass-green gauze; a green silk scarf waved around her. +Both ladies carried flowers. Geraniums and July's proud roses were in +Miss Lawrence's careless hand, and Laura's bouquet was of myrtle and +yellow jasmine. + +We drove in that quiet mood which best prepares the heart. We passed +so street by street, until at length, and long before we reached it, +the gray Abbey towers beckoned us from beyond the houses, seeming to +grow distant as we approached, as shapes of unstable shadow, rather +than time-fast masonry. + +Into the precinct we passed, we stayed at the mist-hung door. It was +the strangest feeling--mere physical sensation--to enter from that +searching heat, those hot blue heavens, into the cool, the dream of +dimness, where the shady marbles clustered, and the foot fell dead and +awfully, where hints more awful pondered, and for our coming waited. +Yea, as if from far and very far, as if beyond the grave descending, +fell wondrous unwonted echoes from the tuning choir unseen. +Involuntarily we paused to listen, and many others paused,--those of +the quick hand or melodious forehead, those of the alien aspect who +ever draw after music. Now the strings yearned fitfully,--a sea of +softest dissonances; the wind awoke and moaned; the drum detonated and +was still; past all the organ swept, a thundering calm. + +Entering, still hushed and awful, the centre of the nave, we caught +sight of the transept already crowded with hungering, thirsting faces; +still they too, and all there hushed and awful. The vision of the +choir itself, as it is still preserved to me, is as a picture of +heaven to infancy. What more like one's idea of heaven than that +height, that aspiring form,--the arches whose sun-kissed summits +glowed in distance, whose vista stretched its boundaries from the +light of rainbows at one end, on the other to the organ, music's +archetype? Not less powerful, predominating, this idea of our other +home, because no earthly flowers nor withering garlands made the +thoughts recoil on death and destiny,--the only flowers there, the +rays transfused through sun-pierced windows; the blue mist strewing +aisle and wreathing arch, the only garlands. Nor less because for once +an assembly gathered of all the fraternities of music, had the unmixed +element of pure enthusiasm thrilled through the "electric chain" from +heart to heart. Below the organ stood Seraphael's desk, as yet +unhaunted; the orchestra; the chorus, as a cloud-hung company, with +starlike faces in the lofty front. + +I knew not much about London orchestras, and was taking a particular +stare, when Miss Lawrence whispered in a manner that only aroused, not +disturbed me: "There is our old friend Santonio. Do look and see how +little he is altered!" + +I caught his countenance instantly,--as fine, as handsome, a little +worn at its edges, but rather refined by that process than otherwise. +"I did not ask about him, because I did not know he was in London. He +is, then, settled here; and is he very popular?" + +"You need not ask the question; he is too true to himself. No, +Santonio will never be rich, though he is certainly not poor." + +Then she pointed to me one head and another crowned with fame; but I +could only spare for them a glance,--Santonio interested me still. He +was reminding me especially of himself as I remembered him, by laying +his head, as he had used to do, upon the only thing he ever really +loved,--his violin,--when, so quietly as to take us by surprise, +Seraphael entered, I may almost say rose upon us, as some new-sprung +star or sun. + +Down the nave the welcome rolled, across the transept it overflowed +the echoes; for a few moments nothing else could be felt, but there +was, as it were, a tender shadow upon the very reverberating +jubilance,--it was subdued as only the musical subdue their proud +emotions; it was subdued for the sake of one whose beauty, lifted over +us, appeared descending, hovering from some late-left heaven, ready to +depart again, but not without a sign, for which we waited. +Immediately, and while he yet stood with his eyes of power upon the +whole front of faces, the solo-singers entered also and took their +seats all calmly. + +There were others besides Clara, but besides her I saw nothing, except +that they were in colors, while she wore black, as ever; but never had +I really known her loveliness until it shone in contrast with that +which was not so lovely. More I could not perceive, for now the +entering bar of silence riveted; we held our breath for the coming of +the overture.[8] + +It opened like the first dawn of lightening, yet scarce yet lightened +morning, its vast subject introduced with strings alone in that joyous +key which so often served him, yet as in the extreme of vaulting +distance; but soon the first trombone blazed out, the second and third +responding with their stupendous tones, as the amplifications of fugue +involved and spread themselves more and more, until, like glory +filling up and flooding the height of heaven from the heaven of +heavens itself, broke in the organ, and brimmed the brain with the +calm of an utter and forceful expression, realized by tone. In +sympathy with each instrument, it was alike with none, even as the +white and boundless ray of which all beams, all color-tones are born. +The perfect form, the distinct conception of this unbrothered work, +left our spirits as the sublime fulfilment confronted them. For once +had genius, upon the wings of aspiration, that alone are pure, found +all it rose to seek, and mastered without a struggle all that it +desired to embrace; for the pervading purpose of that creation was the +passioned quietude with which it wrought its way. The vibrating +harmonies, pulse-like, clung to our pulses, then drew up, drew out +each heart, deep-beating and undistracted, to adore at the throne +above from whence all beauty springs. And opening and spreading thus, +too intricately, too transcendentally for criticism, we do not essay, +even feebly, to portray that immortal work of a music-veiled immortal. + +Inextricable holiness, precious as the old Hebrew psalm of all that +hath life and breath,[9] exhaled from every modulation, each dropped +celestial fragrances, the freshness of everlasting spring. +Suggestive,--our oratorio suggested nothing here, nothing that we find +or feel; all that we seek and yearn to clasp, but rest in our +restlessness to discover is beyond us! In nothing that form of music +reminded of our forms of worship,--in the day of Paradise it might +have been dreamed of, an antepast of earth's last night, and of +eternity at hand,--or it might be the dream of heaven that haunts the +loving one's last slumber. + +I can no more describe the hush that hung above and seemed to +spiritualize the listeners until, like a very cloud of mingling souls, +they seemed congregated to wait for the coming of a Messiah who had +left them long, promising to return; nor how, as chorus after chorus, +built up, sustained, and self-supported, gathered to the stricken +brain, the cloud of spirits sank, as in slumber sweeter than any +dreamful stir, upon the alternating strains and songs, all +softness,--all dread soothing, as the fire that burned upon the +strings seemed suddenly quenched in tears. Faint supplications wafted +now, now deep acclaims of joy; but all, all surcharged the spirit +alike with the mysterious thrall and tenderness of that uncreate and +unpronounceable Name, whose eternal love is all we need to assure us +of eternal life. + +It was with one of those alternate strains that Clara rose to sing, +amidst silence yet unbroken, and the more impressive because of the +milder symphony that stole from the violoncello, its meandering pathos +asking to support and serve her voice. Herself penetrated so deeply +with the wisdom of genius, she failed to remind us of herself; even +her soft brow and violet eyes--violet in the dense glory of the Abbey +afternoon light--were but as outward signs and vivid shadows of the +spirit that touched her voice. Deeper, stiller than the violoncello +notes, hers seemed as those articulated, surcharged with a revelation +beyond all sound. + +Calm as deep, clear as still, they were yet not passionless; though +they clung and moulded themselves strictly to the passion of the +music, lent not a pulse of their own; nor disturbed it the rapt +serenity of her singing to gaze upon her angel-face. No child could +have seemed less sensitive to the surrounding throng, nor have +confided more implicitly in the father of its heart, than she leaned +upon Seraphael's power. + +I made this observation afterwards, when I had time to think; at +present I could only feel, and feeling know, that the intellect is but +the servant of the soul. When at length those two hours, concentrating +such an eternity in their perfection of all sensation, had reached +their climax, or rather when, brightening into the final chorus, +unimprisoned harmonies burst down from stormy-hearted organ, from +strings all shivering alike, from blasting, rending tubes, and thus +bound fast the Alleluia,--it was as if the multitude had sunk upon +their knees, so profound was the passion-cradling calm. The +blue-golden lustre, dim and tremulous, still crowned the unwavering +arches,--tender and overwrought was laid that vast and fluctuating +mind. So many tears are not often shed as fell in that silent +while,--dew-stilly they dropped and quickened; but still not all had +wept. + +Many wept then who had never wept before; many who had wept before +could not weep now,--among them I. Our party were as if lost to me; as +I hid my face my companion did not disturb me,--she was too far +herself in my own case. I do not know whether I heard, but I was aware +of a stretching and breathing; the old bones stirring underneath the +pavement would have shaken me less, but could not have been less to my +liking; the rush, however soft, the rustle, however subdued, were +agony, were torment: I could only feel, "Oh that I were in heaven! +that I might never return to earth!" But then it came upon me, to that +end we must all be changed. This was sad, but of a sadness peculiarly +soothing; for could we be content to remain forever as we are here, +even in our holiest, our strongest moments? + +During the last reverberations of that unimaginable Alleluia I had not +looked up at all; now I forced myself to do so, lest I should lose my +sight of _him_,--his seal upon all that glory. As Seraphael had risen +to depart, the applause, stifled and trembling, but not the less by +heartfuls, rose for him. + +He turned his face a moment,--the heavenly half-smile was there; then +at that very moment the summer sun, that, falling downwards in its +piercing glare, glowed gorgeous against the flower-leaf windows, flung +its burning bloom, its flushing gold upon that countenance. We all saw +it, we all felt it,--the seraph-strength, the mortal beauty,--and that +it was pale as the cheek of the quick and living changed in +death,--that his mien was of no earthly triumph! + +FOOTNOTES: + +[8] The Lobgesang, or Hymn of Praise. + +[9] The majestic phrase with which the symphony opens, and which also +appears in the vocal parts ("All that has life and breath"), is the +Intonation to the second tone of the Magnificat. + + + + +CHAPTER XV. + + +To that last phase of an unworldly morning succeeded the usual +contrasts both of state and mood. Pushing out all among the marbles in +a graceless disorder, finding in the sacred gloom of the precinct the +flashing carriages, the crested panels; a rattle, a real noise, real +things, real people,--these were as one might expect; and yet I was +very ungrateful, for I desired especially to avoid my dear brother and +dearest sister, who had come from the country that very day, though I +yet had failed to recognize or seek for them. Davy could generally +express what he _felt_ about music, and I did not know how it might +be. + +I was thankful to be with Miss Lawrence, who behaved exactly as I +wished; that is to say, when we were fairly seated she began to talk +to her father, not to me, and upon indifferent or adverse matters. Of +Laura I had not even thought until now. She was upon my side, though +not just next me; she leaned back, and was so slight that nothing +could be seen of her, except her crushed-up dress. While, as an +amusing point of idiosyncrasy, I may remark that Miss Lawrence's dress +was as superb as ever; she also carried her flowers, not one decayed. +Laura has lost hers altogether. + +Poor Starwood had closed his eyes, and was pretending to be asleep; he +had one of those headaches of his that rendered silence a necessity, +although they are "only nervous," and do not signify in the least. I +had no headache; I never was better in my life, and I never felt so +forcibly how much life is beyond _living_. + +We drove home soon enough; I was Miss Lawrence's guest, and I knew +that with her generous goodness she had invited Millicent and Davy. We +had scarcely entered the drawing-room, where everything was utterly +unreal to me, before Davy's little quick knock came. + +Miss Lawrence then approached me, and putting her bonnet quite over my +face, said, in a knowing whisper: + +"You just go along upstairs; I know you cannot bear it. I am not made +quite of your stuff, and shall be happy to entertain your people. Your +brother and sister are no such awful persons to me, I assure you." + +I obeyed,--perhaps selfishly; but I should have been poor company +indeed,--and went to my large bed-room. Large and luxuriously +furnished, it even looked romantic. I liked it; I passed to the +window, and was disturbed a moment afterwards by a servant who bore a +tray of eatables, with wine, sent by Miss Lawrence, of course, whose +moments counted themselves out in deeds of kindness. I took the tray, +delivered it to the charge of the first chair next the door, and +returned to my own at the window-seat. + +The blue sky, so intense and clear, so deep piercing, was all I needed +to gaze on; and I was far gone in revery when I heard a knock at the +door of my room. It was a strange, short beat, almost as weird as +"Jeffrey," but at least it startled me to rise. I arose, and opened +it. I beheld Laura. I was scarcely surprised; yet I should indeed have +been surprised but for my immediate terror, almost awe, at her +unformal aspect. + +I never saw a living creature look so far like death. There was no +gleam of life in her wan face, so fallen, agonized; no mortal, +spending sickness could have so reduced her! She fixed upon me her +wild eyes, clear as tearless; but at first she could not speak. She +tried again and again, but at last she staggered, and I put her, I +know not how, exactly, into a chair at hand. She was light almost as a +child of five years old, but so listless that I was afraid of hurting +her; and immediately she sat down she fainted. It was a real, +unmitigated faint, and no mistake; I could see she had not herself +expected it. I was accustomed to this kind of thing, however, for +Lydia at home was fond of fainting away in church, or on the threshold +of the door; also Fred's wife made a point of fainting at regular +intervals. But I never saw any one faint as Laura: she turned to +marble in a moment; there was a rigid fixing of her features that +would have alarmed me had I loved her, and that rendered my very +anxiety for her a grief. I could not lift her then, for light as she +was, she leaned upon me, and I could only stretch my arm to reach the +decanter from its stand. The wine was, however, of no use at present; +I had to put the glass upon the floor after filling it with +unmentionable exertion. But after ten minutes or so, as I expected +from a relaxation of her countenance, she awoke as out of a breathless +sleep. She looked at me, up into my face; she was again the little +Laura whom I had known at Davy's class. + +"I only wanted to ask you to let me lie upon your bed, for I am going +back to-night, and have not a room here; and I did not like to ask +Miss Lawrence. I hope you do not mind it. I should not have done so, +if I had not felt so very ill." + +The humility of her manner here, so unlike what I had seen in the +little I had seen of her, made me ashamed, and it also touched me +seriously. I said I was sorry, very sorry, that she should be ill, but +that it was what any very delicate or feeling person might expect +after so much excitement; and as I spoke, I would have assisted her, +but she assisted herself, and lay down upon the bed directly. + +"If you please, sit in the window away from me, and go on with your +thoughts. Do not trouble yourself about me, or I shall go away again." + +"I will keep quiet, certainly, because you yourself should keep so." + +And then I gave her the wine, and covered her with the quilt to the +throat; for although it was so warm, she had begun to shake and +tremble as she lay. I held the wine to her lips, for she could not +hold the glass; and while I did so, before she tasted, she said, with +an emphasis I am very unlikely ever to forget,-- + +"I wish it could be poison." + +I saw there was something the matter then, and as being responsible at +that instant, I mechanically uttered the reply,-- + +"Will you not tell me why you wish it? I _can_ mix poison; but I +should be very sorry to give it to any one, and above all to you." + +"Why to _me_? You would be doing more good than by going to hear all +that music." + +I gazed at her for one moment; a suspicion (which, had it been a +certainty, would have failed to turn me from her) thwarted my simple +pity. I gazed, and it was enough; I felt there was nothing I needed +fear to know,--that child had never sinned against her soul. I +therefore said, more carelessly than just then I felt: + +"Miss Lemark, because you are gifted, because you are good, because +you are innocent. It is not everybody who is either of these, and very +few indeed are all the three. I will not have you talk just now, +unless, indeed, you can tell me that I can do nothing for you. You +know how slight my resources are, but you need not fear to trust me." + +"If you did let me talk, what should I say? But you have told a +lie,--or rather, I made you tell it. I am _not_ gifted,--at least, my +gifts are such as nobody really cares for. I am innocent? I am _not_ +innocent; and for the other word you used, I do not think I ought to +speak it,--it no more belongs to me than beauty or than happiness." + +"All that is beautiful belongs to all who love it, thank God, Miss +Lemark, or I should be very poor indeed in that respect. But why are +you so angry with yourself because, having gone through too much +happiness, you are no longer happy? It must be so for all of us, and I +do not regret, though I have felt it." + +"_You_ regret it,--you to regret anything!" said Laura, haughtily, her +hauteur striking through her paleness reproachfully. "You--a man! I +would sell my soul, if I have a soul, to be a man, to be able to live +to myself, to be delivered from the torment of being and feeling what +nobody cares for." + +"If we live to ourselves, we men,--if I may call myself a man,--we are +not less tormented, and not less because men are expected to bear up, +and may not give themselves relief in softer sorrow. My dear Miss +Lemark, it appears to me that if we allow ourselves to sink, either +for grief or joy, it matters not which, we are very much to blame, and +more to be pitied. There is ever a hope, even for the hopeless, as +they think themselves; how much more for those who need not and must +not despair! And those who are born with the most hopeful temper find +that they cannot exist without faith." + +"That is the way the people always talk who have everything the world +can give them,--who have more than everything they wish for; who have +all their love cared for; who may express it without being mocked, and +worship without being trampled on. You are the most enviable person in +the whole world except one, and I do not envy her, but I do envy you." + +"Very amiable, Miss Lemark!" and I felt my old wrath rising, yet +smiled it down. "You see all this is a conjecture on your part; you +cannot know what I feel, nor is it for you to say that because I am a +man I can have exactly what I please. Very possibly, precisely because +I am a man, I cannot. But anyhow, I shall not betray myself, nor is it +ever safe to betray ourselves, unless we cannot help it." + +"I do not care about betraying myself; I am miserable, and I _will_ +have comfort,--comfort is for the miserable!" + +"Not the comfort a human heart can bring you, however soft it may +chance to be." + +"I should hate a soft heart's comfort; I would not take it. It is +because you are not soft-hearted I want yours." + +"I would willingly bestow it upon you if I knew how; but you know that +Keble says: "Whom oil and balsams kill, what salve can cure?'" + +"I do not know Keble." + +"Then you ought to cultivate his acquaintance, Miss Lemark, as a poet, +at least, if not as a gentleman." + +I wished at once to twist the subject aside and to make her laugh; a +laugh dispels more mental trouble than any tears at times. But, +contrary to expectation on my part, my recipe failed here; she broke +into a tremendous weeping, without warning, nor did she hide her +face, as those for the most part do who must shed their tears. She +sobbed openly, aloud; and yet her sorrow did not inspire me with +contempt, for it was as unsophisticated as any child's. It was evident +she had not been accustomed to suffering, and knew not how to restrain +its expression, neither that it ought to be restrained. I moved a few +feet from her, and waited; I did right,--in the rain the storm +exhaled. She wiped away her tears, but they yet pearled the long, pale +lashes as she resumed,-- + +"I am much obliged to you for telling me I ought not to say these +things; but it would be better if you could prevent my feeling them." + +"No one can prevent that, Miss Lemark; and perhaps it does not signify +what you feel, if you can prevent its interfering with your duty to +others and to yourself." + +"You to talk of duty,--you, who possess every delight that the earth +contains, and with whom I would rather change places than with the +angels!" + +"I have many delights; but if I had no duties to myself, the delights +would fail. An artist, I consider, Miss Lemark, has the especial duty +imposed upon him or her to let it be seen that art is the nearest +thing in the universe to God, after nature; and his life must be +tolerably pure for that." + +"That is just it. But it is easy enough to do right when you have all +that your heart wants and your mind asks for. I have nothing." + +"Miss Lemark, you are an artist." + +"You know very well how you despise such art as mine, even if I did my +duty by that; but I do not, and that is what I want comfort for. You +did not think I should tell you anything else!" + +"I would have you tell me nothing that you are not obliged to say; it +is dangerous,--at least, I should find it so." + +"You have not suffered; or if you have, you have never offended. I +have done what would make you spurn me. But that would not matter to +me; anything is better than to seem what I am not." + +"What is the matter, then? I never spurned a living creature, God +knows; and for every feeling of antipathy to some persons, I have felt +a proportionate wish for their good. There are different ranks of +spirits, Miss Lemark, and it is not because we are in one that we do +not sympathize quite as much as is necessary with the rest. Albeit, +you and I are of one creed, you know,--both artists, and both, I +believe, desirous to serve art as we best may; thus we meet on equal +grounds, and whatever you say I shall hear as if it were my sister who +spoke to me." + +"If you meant that, it would be very kind, for I have no brother; I +have none of my blood, and I can expect no one else to love me. I do +not care to be loved, even; but every one must grow to something. You +know Clara? I see you do; you always felt for her as you could not +help. No one could feel for her as she deserves. I wish I could die +for Clara, and now I cannot die even for myself, for I feel, oh! I +feel that to die is not to die,--that music made me feel it; but I +have never felt it before,--I have been a heathen. I cannot say I wish +I had not heard it, for anything is better than to be so shut out as I +was. You remember how, when I was a little girl, I loved to dance. I +always liked it until I grew up; but I cannot tell you how at last, +when I came out in Paris, and after the first few nights,--which were +most beautiful to me,--I wearied. Night after night, in the same +steps, to the same music--music--Is it music? You do not look as if +you called it so. I did not know I danced,--I dreamed; I am not sure +now, sometimes, that I was ever awake those nights. I was lazy, and +grew indolent; and when Clara came to Paris, I went along with her. +Would you believe it? I have done nothing ever since." She paused a +long minute; I did not reply. "You are not shocked?" + +"No. I think not." + +"You don't scorn me, and point your face at me? Then you ought, for I +lived upon her and by her, and made no effort, while she took no rest, +working hard and always. But with it all she kept her health, like the +angels in heaven, and I grew ill and weak. I could not dance then. I +felt it to be impossible, though sometimes it came upon me that I +could; and then the remembrance of those nights, all alike, night +after night--I could not. Pray tell me now whether I am not worthless. +But I have no beauty; I am lost." + +"Miss Lemark, if you were really lost, and had no beauty, it appears +to me that you would not complain about it; people do not, I assure +you, who are ugly or in despair. You are overdone, and you overrate +your little girlish follies; everything is touched by the color of +your thought, but is not really what it seems. Believe me,--as I +cannot but believe,--that your inaction arose from morbid feeling and +not too strong health; not from true want of energy or courage. You +are young, a great deal too young, to trust all you fancy, or even +feel; and you ought to be thankful there is nothing more for you to +regret than that weighing down your spirit. You will do everything we +expect and wish, when you become stronger,--a strong woman, I hope; +for remember, you are only a girl. Nor will you find that you are +less likely to succeed then because of this little voluntary of +_idlesse_." + +"You are only speaking so because it is troublesome to you to be +addressed at all. You do not mean it; you are all music." + +"There is only one who is all music, Miss Lemark." + +She hid her face for many minutes; at last she looked up, and said +with more softness, a smile almost sweet: + +"Mr. Auchester, I feel I am detaining you; let me beg you to sit +down." + +I just got up on the side of the bed. + +"That will do beautifully. And now, Miss Lemark, if I am to be your +doctor, you must go to sleep." + +"Because I shall not talk? But I will not go to sleep, and I will +talk. What should you do if you were in my place, feeling as I do?" + +"I do not know all." + +"You may if you like." + +"Then I may guess; at least, I may imagine all that I might feel if I +were in your place,--a delicate young lady who has been fainting for +the love of music." + +"You are sneering; I do not mind that. I have seen such an expression +upon a face I admire more than yours. Suppose you felt you had seen--" + +"What I could never forget, nor cease to love," I answered, fast and +eagerly; I _could_ not let her say it, or anything just there,--"I +should earnestly learn his nature, should fill myself to the brim with +his beauty, just as with his music. I should feel that in keeping my +heart pure, above all from envy, and my life most like his life, I +should be approaching nearer than any earthly tie could lead me, +should become worthy of his celestial communion, of his immortal, his +heavenly tendencies. Nor should I regret to suffer,--to suffer for his +sake." + +I used these last words--themselves so well remembered--without +remembering who said them for me first, till I had fairly spoken; then +I, too, longed to weep: Maria's voice was trembling in my brain, a +ghostly music. As Laura answered, the ghostly music passed, even as a +wind shaken and scattered upon the sea. It was earth again, as vague, +scarcely less lonely! + +"A worldly man would mock. You do not a much wiser thing, but you do +it for the best. I will try to hide it forever, for there is, indeed, +no hope." + +Half imploring, this was hardly a question; yet I answered,-- + +"I do believe none." + +"You are cold, not cruel. I would rather know the truth. Yes! I would +hide it forever; I will not even speak of it to you." + +"Even from yourself hide it, if it must be hidden at all. And yet, I +always think that a hidden sorrow is the best companion we can have." + +"I am very selfish. I know that if Miss Lawrence finds out I am with +you, you will not like it. You had better let me go downstairs." + +"I will go myself, if you prefer to be alone; but you must not move." + +"I must move,--I will not be found here; I had quite forgotten that. I +will go this moment." + +I did not dream of her actually departing; but before I could +remonstrate further, she had planted herself lightly upon the carpet, +and looked as well as usual: it was nothing extraordinary to see her +pale. She smoothed her long hair at my glass, and arranged her dress; +she shook hands with me afterwards also, and then she left the room. + + + + +CHAPTER XVI. + + +I was really alone now, but had a variety of worrying thoughts, +hunting each other to death, but reproducing each other by thousands. +I was irate with Laura, though I felt very sad, but of all most vexed +that such an incident should have befallen my experience on that crown +of days. The awful power of a single soul struggled, in my +apprehension, with the vain weakness of a single heart. But more +overpowering than either was the sensation connecting the two. It was +a remembrance that I, too, might be called to suffer. + +At last Miss Lawrence sent to know whether I chose my dinner. Her own +hour was six, and just at hand; but I felt so extremely disinclined to +eat that I thought I would refuse, and take a walk another way. Miss +Lawrence was one of those persons--gladdening souls are they!--who +mean exactly what they say, and expect you to say exactly what you +mean; thus I had no difficulty in explaining that I preferred to take +this walk, though it was not, after all, a walk _semplice_, for I was +bound to the cottage, and desired to reach it as soon as possible. + +I met Miss Lawrence on the stairs, and she charged me to take care of +Laura. I could not refuse, of course, and we drove in one of those +delightful cabs that so effectually debar from connected conversation. +I was glad for once, though I need not have troubled myself to +descant, for Laura, in a great green veil, opened not her lips twice, +nor once looked towards me. + +We dismissed the conveyance at the entrance of the hamlet, and walked +up together, still silent. It was about half-past seven then, and +vivid as at morning the atmosphere, if not the light. Unclouded +sunshine swept the clustered leaves of the intense June foliage, +heavy-tressed laburnum wore it instead of blossoms; but from the +secluded shade of the wayside gardens pierced the universal scent of +roses above all other fragrance except the limes, which hung their +golden bells out here and there, dropping their singular perfume all +lights alike. + +I saw Seraphael's house first, and returned to it after leaving Laura +at that other white gate. All our windows were open, the breeze blew +over a desert of flowers,--all was "fairy-land forlorn." I felt +certain no one could be at home. I was right here. I could not enter. +I was drawn to that other gate,--I entered. Thoné opened the door, +looking quite as eastern in the western beams. + +"Is Miss Benette at home?" + +"I will see." For Thoné could spell out a little English now. She went +and saw. + +"Yes, sir, to you; and she wishes to see you." + +It was the first time Thoné had ever called me "sir," and I felt very +grand. A strange, subtile fancy, sweeter than the sweetest hope, +sprang daringly within me. But a crushing fear uprose, it swelled and +darkened,--my butterfly was broken upon that wheel; those rooms so +bright and festal, the air and sunshine falling upon clustered +flowers, upon evening freshness as at morning, were not, could not be, +for me! I advanced to the open piano, its glittering sheets outspread, +its smiling keys. + +Hardly had I felt myself alone before one other entered. Alas, I was +still alone! Clara herself approached me, less calm than I had ever +seen her; her little hand was chilled as if by the rough kisses of an +eastern wind, though the south air fanned our summer; there was +agitation in her whole air, but more excitement. I had never seen her +excited; I had not been aware how strangely I should feel to see her +touched so deeply. + +"Mr. Auchester, it must have been Heaven who sent you here to-night, +for I wanted to see you more than anybody, and was expecting some one +else. I never thought I should see you first; I wished it so very +much." + +"Miss Benette, if it were in my power I would give you all you wish, +for the sake only of hearing you wish but once. I am grateful to be +able to fulfil your wishes in the very least degree. What is it +now?"--for her lip quivered like an infant's, and one tear stood in +each of her blue eyes. She wiped away those dew-drops that I would +have caught upon my heart, and answered, her voice of music all quiet +now,-- + +"I have had a strange letter from the gentleman you love so well. I do +not feel equal to what he asks,--that is, I am not deserving; but +still I must answer it; and after what you said to me last time you +were so kind as to talk to me, I do not think it right to overlook +it." + +"I may not see the letter? I do not desire it; but suffer me to +understand clearly what it is about exactly, if you do not think me +too young, Miss Benette." + +"Sir, I always feel as if you were older, and I rely upon you. I will +do as you please; I wish to do so only. This letter is to ask me to +marry him. Oh! how differently I felt when I was asked to marry Mr. +Davy!" + +"Yes, I rather suppose so. You are ready to reply?" + +"Not quite. I had not considered such a thing, and should have thought +first of marrying a king or an angel." + +"He is above all kings, Miss Benette; and if he loves you, no angel's +happiness could be like your own. But is it so wholly unexpected?" + +"I never imagined it, sir, for one single moment; nor could any woman +think he would prefer her. Of course, as he is above all others, he +has only to choose where he pleases." + +I could not look at her as she spoke; I dared not trust myself,--the +most thrilling irony pointed her delicate, lovesome tones. I know not +that she knew it, but I did; it cut me far deeper than to the heart, +and through and through my spirit the wound made way. No tampering, +however, with "oil and balsams" here! + +"Wherever he pleases, I should say. No one he could choose could fail +(I should imagine) in pleasing him to please herself." + +She retorted, more tenderly: "I think it awful to remember that I may +not be worthy, that I may make him less happy than he now is, instead +of more so." + +"Only love him!" + +"But such a great difference! He will not always walk upon the earth. +I cannot be with him when he is up so high." + +"I only say the same. He needs a companion for his earthly hours; then +only is it he is alone. His hours of elevation require no sympathy to +fill them; they are not solitude." + +"I will do as you please, sir, for it must be right. Do you not wish +you were in my place?" She smiled softly upon me, just lifting her +lovely eyes. + +"Miss Benette, I know no one but yourself who could fill those hours I +spoke of, nor any one but that beloved and glorious one who is worthy +to fill your heart _all_ hours. More I cannot say, for the whole +affair has taken me by surprise." + +I had, indeed, been stricken by shock upon shock that day; but the +last remained to me when the wailings of misfortune, the echoes of my +bosom-music, alike had left my brain. I could not speak, and we both +sat silent, side by side, until the sun in setting streamed into the +room. Then, as I rose to lower the blind, and was absent from her at +the window, I heard a knock,--I had, or ought to have, expected it; +yet it turned me from head to foot, it thrilled me through and +through. I well knew the hand that had raised the echoes like a salute +of fairy cannon. I well knew the step that danced into the hall. I was +gone through the open window, not even looking back. I ran to the +bottom of the garden; I made for the Queen's highway; I walked +straight back to London. + +There was a great party in Miss Lawrence's, I knew it from the corner +of the square; and I had to leave the lustrous darkness, the sleepy +stars and great suffusing moonshine, the very streets filled full and +overflowing with waftures of fragrances from the country, dim yet so +delicious, for that terrible drawing-room. I took advantage of the +excitement, however, that distressed me as it never burned before, to +plunge instantly into a duet for violin and piano; Miss Lawrence +calling me to her by the white spell of her waving hand the very +moment I entered at the drawing-room door. My duet, her noble playing, +made me myself, _as ever music saves her own_, and I conducted myself +rather less like a nightmare than I felt. The party consisted of +first-rate amateurs, the flower of the morning festival, both from +orchestra and audience,--all enchanted, all wordy, except my precious +Davy, who was very pale, and Starwood, whose eyes almost went into his +head with pain. + +We all did our best, though. Starwood played most beautifully, and in +a style which made me glory over him. Davy sang, though his voice was +rather nervous. A great many people came up to me, but they got +nothing out of me. I could not descant upon my religion. When at +length they descended to supper,--a miscellaneous meal, which Miss +Lawrence always provided in great state,--I thought I might be +permitted to retire. Will it be believed that, half an hour +afterwards, hearing my sister and Davy come up leisurely to bed, and +peeping out to see them, I heard Millicent distinctly say, "I hope +baby is asleep"? I was to return with them on the morrow; but directly +after breakfast Miss Lawrence made me one of her signs, and led me +thereby, without controlling me hand or foot, out of the +breakfast-room. We were soon alone together in the studio. + +"I thought you would like to be here this morning, for Seraphael has +promised to come and see it. I think myself that he will be rather +surprised." + +I could not help smiling at her tone, it was so unaffectedly +satisfied. + +"I should think he will, Miss Lawrence." + +"I don't mean as to the merits of the picture, but because he does not +know it is--what shall I say?--historical, biographical, allegorical." + +"You mean hieroglyphic?" + +"Exactly." + +"But he will not be likely to say anything about that part of it, will +he? Is he not too modest or too proud?" + +"Why, one never can know what he can say or do. I should not wonder +the least in the world if he took the brushes up and put the eyes in +open." + +I laughed. "Does he paint, though?" + +"Between ourselves, Mr. Auchester, there is nothing he cannot do,--no +accomplishment in which he does not excel. He can paint, can design, +can model, can harmonize all languages into a language of his own. All +mysteries, all knowledge, all wisdom, we know too well,--too well, +indeed!--dwell with him, are of him. I am always afraid when I +consider these things. What a blessing to us and to all men if he +would only marry! We should keep him a little longer then." + +"Do you think so? I am fearful it would make no real difference. There +is a point where all sympathy ceases." + +Miss Lawrence shook her head, a lull came over the animation of her +manner; she hastened to arrange her scenery, now unique. She had +placed before the picture a velvet screen, deep emerald and grass-like +in its shade; this veil stood out alone, for she had cleared away all +signs of picture, sketch, or other frame besides. Nothing was in the +room but the picture on its lofty easel, and the loftier velvet shade. +I appreciated to the full the artist tact of the veil itself, and said +so. + +"I think," was her reply, "it will be more likely to please him if I +keep him waiting a little bit, and his curiosity is touched a moment." + +And then we went downstairs. Davy, who always had occupation on hand, +and would not have been destitute of duty on the shore of a desert +island, was absent in the city; Millicent, who had taken her work to a +window, was stitching the most delicate wristband in Europe, inside +the heavy satin curtain, as comfortably as in her tiny home. Miss +Lawrence went and stood by her, entertained her enchantingly, +eternally reminding her of her bliss by Mrs. Davying till I could but +laugh; but still my honored hostess was very impetuously excited, for +her eyes sparkled as most eyes only light by candle-shine or the +setting sun. She twisted the tassel of the blind, too, till I thought +the silk cord would have snapped; but Millicent only looked up +gratefully at her, without the slightest sign of astonishment or +mystification. + +"Charles!" exclaimed my sister at length, when Miss Lawrence, fairly +exhausted with talking, was gathering up her gown into folds and +extempore plaits plaits--"Charles! you will be ready at two o'clock, +and we shall get home to tea." + +I could not be angry with her for thinking of her baby, her little +house, her heaven of home; but there was a going back to winter for me +in the idea of going away. The music seemed dead, not slumbering, that +I had heard the day before. But is this strange? For there is a +slumber we call death. About half-past ten a footman fetched Miss +Lawrence. She touched my arm, apologizing to Millicent, though not +explaining, and we left the room together. She sent me onwards to the +studio, and went downstairs alone. I soon heard them coming +up,--indeed, I expected them directly; for Seraphael never waited for +anything, and never lost a moment. They were talking, and when he +entered he did not at first perceive me. His face was exquisite. A +charm softened the Hebrew keenness, that was not awful, like the +passion music stirring the hectic, or spreading its white light. He +was flushed, but more as a child that has been playing until it is +weary; his eyes, dilated, were of softer kindness than the brain gives +birth to,--his happy yet wayward smile, as if he rejoiced because +self-willing to rejoice. His clear gaze, his eager footstep, reminded +me of other days when he trembled on the verge of manhood; it was, +indeed, as a man that he shone before me that morning, and had never +shone before. They stood now before the screen, and I was astonished +at the utter self-possession of the paintress; she only watched his +face, and seemed to await his wishes. + +"That screen is very beautiful velvet, and very beautifully made. Am I +never to look at anything else? Is nothing hidden behind it? I have +been very good, Miss Lawrence, and I waited very patiently; I do not +think I can wait any longer. May I pull it away?" + +"Sir, most certainly. It is for you to do so at your pleasure. I am +not afraid either, though you will think me not over-modest." + +Seraphael touched the screen,--it was massive, and resisted his little +hand; he became impatient. Miss Lawrence only laughed, but I rushed +out of my corner to help him. Before he looked at the picture he gave +me that little hand and a smile of his very own. + +"Look, dearest sir!" I cried, "pray look now!" + +And indeed he looked; and indeed, I shall not forget it. It was so +strange to turn from the living lineaments--the eye of the sun and +starlight, the brilliant paleness, the changeful glow, the look of +intense and concentrated vitality upon temple and lip and skin--to the +still, immortal visage, the aspect of glory beyond the grave, the +lustre unearthly, but not of death, that struck from those breathless +lips, those snow-sealed eyes; and, above all, to see that the light +seemed not to descend from the crown upon the forehead, but to aspire +from the forehead to the crown,--so the rays were mixed and fused +into the idea of that eternity in which there shall be a new earth +besides another heaven! That transcending picture, how would it affect +him? I little knew; for as he stood and gazed, he grew more like it. +The smile faded, the deep melancholy I had seldom seen, and never +without a shudder, swept back; as the sun goes into a cloud his face +assumed a darklier paleness, he appeared to suffer, but did not speak. +In some minutes still, he started, turned to Miss Lawrence, and +sighing gently, as gently said,-- + +"I wish I were more like it! I wish I were as that is! But we may not +dream dreams, though we may paint pictures. I should like to deserve +your idea, but I do not at present. Happy for us all who build upon +the future as you have done in that painting,--I mean entirely as to +the perfection of the work." + +"Have I your permission to keep it, sir?" + +"What else, madam, would you do with it?" + +"Oh! if you had not approved, I should have slashed it into pieces +with a carving-knife or my father's razor. I shall keep it, with your +permission; it will be very valuable and precious, and I have to thank +you for the inestimable privilege of possessing it." + +This cool treatment of Miss Lawrence's delighted me,--it was the only +one to restore our Chevalier. He, indeed, returned unto his rest, for +he left the house that moment. Nor could I have desired him to +remain,--there was only one presence in which I cared to imagine +him.... + + + + +CHAPTER XVII + + +The day had come and gone when Clara, for the first time, dressed in +white. The sun-grain of August had kissed the corn, the +golden-drooping sheaves waved through the land fresh cut, and the +latest roses mixed pale amidst the lilies beneath the bounteous +harvest-moon when she left us,--but not alone. It was like dying twice +over to part with them that once, and therefore it will not be +believed how soon I could recover the farewell and feed upon Clara's +letters, which never failed me once a month. For a year they more +sustained me than anything else could have done; for they told of a +life secluded as any who loved _him_ could desire for him, and not +more free from pain than care. Of herself she never spoke, except to +breathe sweet wishes for her friends; but her whole soul seemed bent +upon his existence, and her descriptions were almost a diary. I could +not be astonished at her influence, for it had governed my best days; +but that she should be able to secure such a boon to us as a year of +unmitigated repose for him, was precisely what I had not anticipated, +nor dared to expect. Meanwhile, and during that year, our work was +harder than ever. Davy and I were quite unconscious of progressing, +yet were perfectly happy, and as ever determined,--indeed, nothing +like a slight contumacy on the part of the pupils kept Davy up to the +mark. From Starwood, who had returned to Germany, I also received +accounts; but he was no letter-writer, except when there was anything +very particular to say. He was still a student, and still under +Seraphael's roof. Strange and Arabian dreams were those I had of that +house in the heart of a country so far away, for the Chevalier had +moved nearer the Rhine, and nothing in his idiosyncrasy so betokened +the Oriental tincture of his blood as his restless fondness for making +many homes while he was actually at home in none. + +We lived very happily, as I said. It was, perhaps, not extraordinary +that to my violin I grew more infinitely attached, was one with it, +and could scarcely divide myself from it. I lived at home still,--that +is, I slept at home, and usually ate there; but Davy's house was also +home,--it had grown dearer to me than ever, and was now fairer. The +summer after our friends had left us was brilliant as the last, and +now the shell was almost hidden by the clinging of the loveliest +creepers; the dahlias in the garden had given place to standard +rose-trees, and though Carlotta could not reach them, she had learned +to say, "Rose!" and to put up her pretty hand for me to pluck her one. +With a flower she would sit and play an entire morning, and we never +had any trouble with her. Millicent worked and studied as conveniently +as though she had never been born; for it was Davy's supreme wish to +educate his daughter at home, and her mamma had very elaborate ideas +of self-culture in anticipation. During that autumn we found ourselves +making some slight way. Davy took it into his head to give utterance, +for the first time, to a public concert; and I will not say I was +myself averse. We had a great deal of conversation and a great many +sessions on the subject, not exactly able to settle whether we would +undertake a selection or some entire work. Our people were rather +revived out of utter darkness concerning music; but its light was +little diffused, and seemed condensed in our class-room as a focus. +The band and chorus, of course, made great demonstrations in favor of +the "Messiah;" and my mother, who had taken an extraordinary interest +in the affair, said, innocently enough,-- + +"Then why, my dears, not represent the 'Messiah'? It will be at +Christmas time, and very suitable." + +This was not the point, for Davy had reminded me of the fact that the +festival for the approaching year at the centre of the town would open +with that work,--unless, indeed, the committee departed from their +precedent on all former occasions. My idea would have been a +performance all Bach, Beethoven, and Seraphael, with Handel's Ode for +a commencement, on the 22d of November; but Davy shook his head at +me,--"That would be for Germany, not for England;" and I obliged +myself to believe him. At length we accepted the "Messiah,"--to the +great delight of the chorus and band. + +It was a pressing time all through that autumn. I do not suppose I +ever thought of anything but fiddles, fiddles, fiddles, from morning +till night. They edged my dreams with music, and sometimes with that +which was very much the reverse of music; for we had our difficulties. +Prejudice is best destroyed by passion, which as yet we had not +kindled. Davy met with little support, and no sympathy, except from +his own,--this mattered little either, so long as his own were +concerned; but now, in prospect of our illustration, it was necessary +to secure certain instrumental assistance. + +I undertook to do this. Besides my own strings, we had brass and wind, +but not sufficient. I shall not forget the difficulty of thawing the +players I visited--I will not call them artists--into anything like +genial participation. Their engagement was not sufficiently formal, +nor did they like me,--I suppose they owed a grudge against my youth; +for youth is unpardonable and inadmissible, except in the case of +genius. Neither did they thaw, any more than the weather, on Christmas +Eve,--it was on Christmas Eve we were to perform. It was an eve of +ice, not snow,--the blue sky silvery, the earth bound fast in sleep. +We had hired a ball-room at the chief hotel,--an elegant and rather +rare room; it was warmed by three wide fire-places; and the crimson +curtains closed, with the chairs instead of benches, gave a social and +unusual charm to the whole proceeding. + +If our audience entered aghast, looked frozen, rolled in furs and +contempts, they could not help smiling upon the fires, the roseate +glow; though they also could not help being disconcerted to find +themselves treated all alike, for Davy would have no roseate seats, +nor any exclusiveness on this occasion. As he intended, besides, to +restore the work exactly as it was first written, we expected a little +cold and a few black looks. No modern listeners can receive an +oratorio as orthodox without an organ of Titan-build in the very +middle that takes care to sound. + +The overture, beautifully played, was taken down with chill +politeness; but my own party were so pleased with themselves, and made +such ecstatic motions with their features that it was quite enough for +me. The first chorus was lightly, delicately shown up, not +extinguished by the orchestra--and, indeed, chorus after chorus found +no more favor; still, no one could help feeling the perfect training +here. I knew as well as Davy envy or pride alone kept back the free +confession. The exquisite shading in the chorus, the public's +darling, "Unto us a child is born," and the grandeur of the final +effect, subdued them a little. They cheered, and Davy gave me a glance +over his shoulder which I understood to say, "One must come in for +certain disadvantages if one is well received;" for Davy abhorred a +noise as much as I did. When we waited between the parts, some one +fetched Davy away in an immense hurry; he did not return immediately, +and I grew alarmed. I peeped into the concert-room: there sat +Millicent most composedly, and Lydia with her lord, and Clo in her +dove-colored silk and spectacles, and my mother in her black satin and +white-kid gloves, looking crowned with happiness; it was evident that +nothing was the matter at home. But having a few minutes, I went to +speak to them; and then my mother, in her surmises about Davy, whom +she loved as her own son--and Clo, whose principles were flattered, +not shocked, in her approval--took up so much time that I was at last +obliged to fly to my little band, who were assembled again, and tuning +by fits. Still, Davy was not there. But presently, and just at the +moment when it was necessary to begin, he appeared, so looking that I +was sure either something very dread or very joyous had befallen him. +His eye gazed brightly out to the whole room as he faced instead of +turning from it. He could not help smiling, and his voice quivered as +he spoke. He said in those fond accents,-- + +"I have the pleasure to announce that the Chevalier Seraphael, having +just arrived from Germany on a visit to myself, has consented to +conduct the second part himself." + +I had been sure the Chevalier was in him before he spoke, but I little +thought how it would come about. Immediately he finished speaking, +the curtain above us divided, and that heavenly inspired one stood +before us. + +There was that in his apparition which stirred the slowest and burned +upon the coldest pulses. All rose and shouted with an enthusiasm, when +elicited from English hearts perhaps more real and touching than any +other; a quickening change, like sudden summer, swept the room; the +music became infinitely at home there; we all felt as if, watching +over the dead, we had seen the dead alive again; the "old familiar +strains" untired us, and none either wearied among the listeners. I +could not, in the trances of my own playing, forbear to worship the +gentle knowledge that had led the hierarch to that humble shrine, to +consecrate and ennoble it forever. But the event told even sooner than +I expected; for lo! at the end, when the Chevalier turned his kingly +head and bowed to the reiterated applaudings, and had passed out, +those plaudits continued, and would not cease till Davy was recalled +himself; the pent-up reverence, restored to its proper channel, eddied +in streams around him. + +What an evening we spent, or rather what a night we made that +night!--in that little parlor of Davy's the little green-house thrown +open, and lighted by Millicent with Carlotta's Christmas-candles; the +supper, where there was hardly room for us all at the table, and +hardly room upon the table for all the good things my mother sent for +from her pantry and larder and store-closet; the decoration of the +house with green wreaths and holly-bunches, the swept and garnished +air of the entire tiny premises standing us in such good stead to +welcome the Christmas visitant with Christmas festivity; the punch +Davy mixed in Carlotta's christening-bowl, my mother's present, she +perfectly radiant, and staring with satisfaction in the arm-chair, +where Seraphael himself had placed her as we closed around the fire; +the Christmas music never wanting, for in the midst of our joyous talk +a sudden celestial serenade, a deep-voiced carol, burst from beyond +the garden, and looking out there, we beheld, through rimed and +frost-glazed windows, a clustered throng, whose voices were not +uncultured,--the warmest-hearted members of Davy's own. They were +still singing when Carlotta awoke and cried, had to be brought down +stairs, and was hushed, listening, in Seraphael's arms. + +So, after all, we did not go to bed that night, for it was quite two +o'clock when I escorted my mother and sisters home, having left the +little room I usually occupied when I slept at my brother's house for +Seraphael, whom no one would suffer to sleep at the hotel. I might +remind myself of the next day, too, and I surely may,--of our all +going to church together after a night of snow, over the sheeted white +beneath a cloudless heaven; of our all sitting together in that large +pew of ours, and the excitement prevailing among the congregation +afterwards as they assured themselves of our guest; of the chimes +swelling high from the tower as we returned, and my walk alone with +Seraphael to show him where Clara's house had stood. When we were, +indeed, alone together, I asked more especially after her, and +listened to his tender voice when it told of her that she was not then +strong enough to cross the sea, but that though he could only leave +her for a week, it was her latest request that he would come to see us +all himself, nor return without having done so. And then he spoke of +the affairs that had brought him over,--an entreaty from the committee +of our own town festival that he would direct that of the coming year, +and compose exclusively for it. + +It made me very indignant at first that they should have kept Davy so +entirely in the dark as to their intentions, because he had been +forewarned on all previous occasions, before his influence was so +strong in his own circle. But when I expressed a little my +indignation, Seraphael only laughed, and said,-- + +"It was what every one must expect who was such a purist, unless he +would also condescend to amuse the people at times and seasons, or +unless he were not _poor_." + +My obligation to accede here made me yet more indignant, until I +remembered how Seraphael had introduced himself, and so taken Davy by +the hand that it would not be likely for him ever again to be thrust +back into obscurity afterwards, were it only because Seraphael himself +was _rich_. + +"And will you come to us, sir?" I asked, scarcely able to frame a wish +upon the subject. + +"If I live, Carlomein. And I do hope to live--till then, at least. I +have also been rather idle lately, and must work. Indeed, I have +brought nothing with me, except a psalm or two for your brother. We +may write music to psalms, I suppose, Carlomein?" + +"You may, sir, and, indeed, anybody may; for whatever is worthless +will be forgotten, and whatever is worthy will live forever." + +"It is not that anything we offer can be worthy of the feet at which +we lay it, it is not that anything is sweet or sufficient for our +love's expression, but every little word of love and smile of love is +precious to us, and must be so to Love itself, I think. Only in music +now does God reveal himself as in the days of old; and I do believe, +Carlomein, that he, dwelling not in temples made with hands, yet +dwelleth there. I suppose it may be that as we make the music that +issues from the orchestra, or from the organ where all musics mingle, +so he makes the love that religion burns to utter, but that music, for +the musical, alone makes manifest. All worship is sacred, but that is +unutterably holy. How holy should the heart of the musician be!" + +"Dearest sir, forgive me! If you had not spoken so, I could not have +presumed to ask you. But do you, therefore, object to write for the +stage, in its present promiscuous position among the arts?" + +"Carlomein, the drama is my greatest delight. The dramatic genius I +would ever accept as a guide and standard; but from youth upwards, I +have ever abstained from writing for the stage. It does not suit me; +it is in some respects beyond me,--that is, as it ought to exist. But +my days are numbered,--I have lately known it; and to give forth opera +after opera would reduce my short span to a mere holiday task. I am +too happy, Carlomein, and to you I will say it,--too blest in that I +feel I can best express what others left to me because expression +failed them." + +"Oh, dearest sir, it is so, and not alone in music, but in everything +you touch or tell us! Yet you are ours for years and years. I feel +it,--there is so much to be done, and you only can do it; so much to +learn yet of what you only can teach us. You cannot, you will not, and +are not going to leave us! I know it; I could not be so if I did not +know and feel it. You are looking better than when even first I saw +you--all those years ago." + +"I am well, Carlomein,--I have never been ill. I do not know sickness, +though I have known sorrow,--thank God for that inexpressible mystery +in which his light is hidden! But, Carlomein, you speak as if it were +of all things the saddest thing to die! I know not that sensation; I +believe it to be mere sensation. Neither is this earth a +wilderness,--no weariness! There is not an air of spring that does not +make me long for death; the burdening gladness is too much for life, +and summer and winter call me. Eternity without years is ever present +with me, and the poor music they love so well, they love because it +comes to me from beyond the grave." + +I could not hear him speak so; it killed me to all but a ravishment of +fear. I could not help saying, though I fear it was out of place,-- + +"There is one you must not leave; she cannot live without you." + +"Carlomein, any one can live who is to live, and whoever is decreed +must die. There is no death for me,--I do not call it so; nor do I +believe that death could touch me. I mean I should not know it, for I +could not bear it; and I fear it not, for nothing we cannot bear is +given us to endure." + +"Sir, if I did not revere too much every word you utter, I should say +that a morbid presentiment clouds your enthusiasm, and that you know +not what you say." + +"Do I look morbid, Carlomein? That is an ugly word, and you deserve it +as much as I do, pale-face." + +He laughed out joyously. I looked at him again. How his eyes radiated +their splendors, as an eastern starlight in a northern sky! How the +blossom-blushes rose upon his cheek! Health, joy, vitality, all the +flowers of manhood, the fairest laurels of an unsullied fame, shone +visionary about him. He seemed no earthling "born to die." I could not +but smile; still, it was at his beauty, not his mirth. + +"Sir, you don't look much like a martyr now." + +"Carlomein. I should rather be a martyr than a saint. The saints are +robed in glory, but the glory streams from heaven upon the martyr's +face." (Oh, he could feel no pain, with that light there; I know he +felt none.) "The saints wear lilies, or they dream so; and dream they +not the martyrs wear the roses,--have not the thorns pierced through +them? They are thornless roses there, for passion is made perfect." + +"Sir, but I do think that the musician, if duteous, is meet for a +starry crown." + +"And I could only think, when I saw that picture, that the crown was +not mine own; but I dreamed within myself that it should not be in +vain I desire to deserve the crown which I should wear, but not that +star-crown. Poetry may be forgiven for hiding sorrow in bliss, but it +is only music that hides bliss with sorrow. And see, Carlomein (for we +are in a tale of dreams just now, and both alone), there have been +martyrs for all faiths,--for love, for poetry, for patriotism, for +religion. Oh! for what cause, where passion strikes and stirs, have +there not been martyrs? But I think music has not many, and those were +discrowned of that glory by the other crown of Fame. Shall I die +young, and not be believed to have died for music? For that end must +the music be rapt and purified,--stolen from itself; its pleasures +must be strong to pain, its exercises sharper than agony. I know of +none other choice for myself than to press forwards to fulfil the call +I have heard since music spoke to me, and was as the voice of God. +There is so much to undo in very doing, while those who were not +called, but have only chosen music, defile her mysteries, that the few +who are called must surely witness for her. We will not speak again +so, Carlomein. I have made your young face careful, and I would rather +see scorn work upon it than such woe. I am now going to a shop. Are +there any shops here, Carlomein?" + +"Plenty, sir, but they are closed; still, I am certain you can get +anything you want, no matter what." + +"I have something to make to-night which is most important, and I must +have nuts, apples, and sugar-plums." + +We went to a large confectioner's whose windows were but +semi-shuttered. Here the Chevalier quite lost himself in the treasures +of those glass magazines. I should scarcely have known him as he had +been. He chose very selectly, nathless, securing only the most +delicate and rare of the wonders spread about him, and which excited +his _naïveté_ to the utmost. His choice comprised all crisp white +comfits and red-rose ones, almond-eggs, the most ravishing French +bonbons, all sorts of chocolate, myriad sugar millions, like rain from +fairy rainbows, twisted green angelica, golden strips of crystallized +orange-peal, not to speak of rout-cakes like fish and frogs and mice +and birds' nests. Nor did these suffice; off we walked to the +toy-shop. Our town was of world renown for its toys. Here it was not +so easy to effect an entrance; but it _was_ effected the moment the +Chevalier showed his face. To this hour I believe they took him in +there for some extraordinary little boy,--he certainly behaved like +nothing else. He bought now beads of all colors, and spangles and +shining leaf, and of all things the most exquisite doll, +small-featured, waxen, dressed already in long white robes, and lying +in a cradle about a foot long, perfectly finished. And next, besides +this baby's baby, he snatched at a box of letters, then at a gilt +watch, and finally at a magic-lantern. We so loaded ourselves with all +these baubles that we could scarcely get along; for, with his wonted +impetuosity on the least occasions, he would not suffer anything to be +sent, lest it should not arrive in time. And then, though I reminded +him of the dinner-hour at hand, there was to be no rest yet, but I +must take him to some garden or nursery of winter-plants. Fortunately, +a great friend of Davy's in that line lived very near him; for Davy +was a great flower-fancier. This was convenient; for had it been two +miles off, Seraphael would have run there, being in his uttermost +wayward mood. He chose a gem of a fir-tree, and though both the +florist and I remonstrated with our whole hearts, would carry it +himself,--happily not very far. I was reminded of dear old Aronach's +story about his child-days as I saw him clasp it in his delicate arms +so nerved with power, and caught his brilliant face through the spires +of the foliage. Thus we approached Davy's house, and I reminded the +Chevalier that we were expected to dine at my mother's, not there. In +fact, poor Millicent, in her bonnet, looked out anxiously from the +door; the Chevalier called to her as she ran to open the gate, "See, +Mrs. Davy, see! Here's 'Birnam Wood come to Dunisnane.' Make way!" + +"You are very naughty," said Davy, stepping forth. "Our beloved mamma +will be coming after us." + +"It is very rude, I know; but I am going to dine with your daughter." + +"My daughter is coming too. Did you think we should leave her behind?" + +Millicent was about, in fact, to mount the stairs for the baby; but +Seraphael rushed past her. + +"Pardon! but I don't wish to be seen at present;" and we both bore our +burdens into the parlor, and laid them on the table. + +"Now, Carlomein, the moment dinner is over, we two shall come back and +lock ourselves in here." + +"I should like it of all things, sir, selfish wretch that I am! but I +don't think they will." + +"Oh, yes, I will make them!" + +When at last we descended ready, Carlotta, in her white beaver bonnet, +my own present, looked as soft as any snowdrop,--too soft almost to be +kissed. She held out her arms to Seraphael so very pertinaciously that +he was obliged to carry her; nor would he give her up until we reached +my mother's door. It was quite the same at dinner also; she would sit +next him, would stick her tiny fork into his face, with a morsel of +turkey at the end of it, would poke crumbs into his mouth with her +finger, would put up her lips to kiss him, would say, every moment, "I +like you much-much!" with all Davy's earnestness, though with just so +much of her mother's modesty as made her turn pink and shy, and put +herself completely over her chair into Seraphael's lap, when he +laughed at her. He was in ecstasies, and every now and then a shade so +tender stole upon his air that I knew he could only be adverting to +the tenderest of all human probabilities,--the dream of his next +year's offspring. + +After dinner, Miss was to retire. She was carried upstairs by +Margareth, of whom I can only say she loved Carlotta better than she +had loved Carl. Seraphael then arose, and gracefully, gleefully, +despite the solicitations on all hands exhibited, declared he must +also go, that he had to meet the Lord Chancellor, and could not keep +him waiting. There was no more prayer wasted after this announcement, +everybody laughed too much. Taking a handful of nuts from a dish, and +throwing a glance of inexpressible elfishness at my mother, he said, +"Carl and the Lord Chancellor and I are going to crack them in a +corner. Come, Carlomein! we must not keep so grand a person waiting." +I know not what blank he left behind him, but I know what a world he +carried with him. We had such an afternoon! But we had to be really +very busy; I never worked so hard in a small way. When all was +finished, the guilt fruit hung, the necklaces festooned, the glitter +ordered with that miraculous rapidity in which he surpassed all +others, and that fairy craft of his by which he was enabled to +re-create all Arabian, mystical, he placed the cradle in the shade. + +"You see, Carlomein, I could not have a Christ-child up there at the +top, because your brother is rather particular, and might not choose +to approve. It will never occur to him about the manger, if we don't +tell him; but you perceive all the same that it is here, being made of +straw, and very orthodox." + +"It appears to me, sir, that you have learned English customs to some +purpose, as well as German." + +He replied by dancing round the tree, and twisting in the tapers red +and green. + +"Now, you go, Carlomein, and fetch them all, and when I hear your +voices, I will light the candles. Begone, Carlomeinus!" and he snapped +his fingers. + +They came immediately, all rather mystified, but very curious. I +carried Carlotta, who talked the whole way home about the stars. But +after clustering a few moments in the dark passage, and her little +whispered "ohs!" and wondering sighs, when the door was opened, and +the arch musician for all ages, seated at the piano, played a measure +only meet for child or fairy ears, her ecstasy became quite painful. +She shuddered and shivered, and at last screamed outright; and then, +even then, only Seraphael had power to soothe her, leading her to the +fairy earth-lights as he led us to the lights of heaven. + + * * * * * + +Glorious hours that dye deep our memories in beauty, music that passes +into echo and is silent, alike are conserved forever. Often and often +in the months that passed when he had left us, after a visit so +exquisite that it might have been diffused millenniums and yet have +kept its fragrance, did my thoughts take such a form as this +enunciation bears; I was so unutterably grateful for what had happened +that it helped me to bear what was yet before me. The growing, glowing +fame, heralded from land to land, in praise of that young genius and +purest youth, had certainly reached its culmination; neither envy +withered nor scandal darkened the spell of his perfect name. All +grades of artists, all ranks of critics,--the old and calm, the +impertinent but impetuous young,--bowed as in heart before him. It was +so in every city, I believe; but in ours it was peculiar, as well as +universal. An odor of heavenly altars had swept our temple; we were +fitter to receive him than we had been. In no instance was this shown +more clearly than on the fortunate occasion when Davy was treated +with, and requested very humbly to add his vocal regiment to the +festival chorus. One day just afterwards, in early April, he came +running to me with a letter, anxious for me to open it, as he was in a +fit of fright about the parts which ought to have arrived, and had +not. It was only a line or two, addressed to me by Seraphael's hand, +to tell us that Clara had borne him twin sons. + +Davy's astonishment amused me; it appeared that he had formed no idea +of their having been likely to come at all, until this moment. I was +glad, indeed, to be alone, to think of that fairest friend of mine, +now so singularly blest. I thought of her in bed with her babies, I +thought of the babies being his, and she no less his own, until I was +not fit company for any one,--and it was long before I became so. I +could hardly believe it, and more especially because they were all +four so far away; for I am not of the opinion of those fortunate +transcendentalists, who aver we can better realize that which is away +from us than that which is at hand. Time and space must remain to us +our eternity and our freedom, till freedom and eternity shall be our +own. + + + + +CHAPTER XVIII + + +We were extremely busy, for a little while, in preparing a box of +presents, and when it was despatched we began seriously to anticipate +our awful, glorious festival; we began to have leisure to contemplate +it. It was a delightful dream, amidst that dream, to reflect that we +should see them all then, for Seraphael sent us word, in his grateful +reply to our enclosures, that both his children and their mother would +accompany him. Meantime, I was very anxious to spread the news abroad, +and most extraordinary appointments were made by all kinds of people +to secure places. I began to think, and had I been in Germany should, +of course, have settled to my own satisfaction, that the performances +must be in the open air, after all, such crowds demanded admittance so +early as early in June. It was for the last week in July that our +triple day was fixed, and in the second week of June the long-expected +treasure, the exclusive compositions, arrived from Lilienstadt. Davy +was one of the committee called immediately, and I awaited, in +unuttered longing, his return, to hear our glorious doom. + +He came back almost wild. I was quite alarmed, and told him so. + +"Charles," he said, "there is almost reason; so am I, myself, in fact. +Just listen to the contents of the parcel received,--an oratorio for +the first morning (such a subject, 'Heaven and Earth'!); a cantata for +a double choir; an organ symphony, with interludes for voices only; a +sonata for the violin; a group of songs and fancies. The last are for +the evenings; but otherwise the evenings are to be filled with Bach, +Beethoven, Mozart, and Handel,--the programmes already made out. How +is it possible, Charles, that such progress can have been condensed +into a few mere months? Think of the excitement, the unmitigated +stress of such an industry! Three completed works in less than a +quarter of a year, not to speak of the lesser wonders!" + +It seemed to affect Davy's brain; as for me, I felt sure the works had +stirred,--as the Spirit moving upon the face of the waters, before the +intermomentary light, long ages, as we reckon in this world's +computation, before they framed themselves into form. Nor was this +conviction lessened when I first became acquainted with the new-born +glories of an imagination on fire of heaven. + +Seraphael came to England, and of course northwards, to superintend +the earliest rehearsals; it was his own wish to do so, and every one +felt it necessary to be introduced by him alone to what came alone of +him. Those were strange times,--I do not seem to have lived them, +though in fact I was bodily present in that hall, consecrated by the +passion of a child. But they were wild hours; all tempest-tossed was +my spirit amidst the rush of a manifold enthusiasm. + +Seraphael was so anxious to be at his home again that the rehearsals +were conducted daily. He was to return again, having departed, for +their ultimate fulfilment. It appeared very remarkable that he should +not have taken the whole affair at once, have brought his family over +then, and there remained; but upon the subject he was unapproachable, +only saying, with relation to his arduous life just then and then to +be, that he could not be too much occupied to please himself. + +He did not stay in our house this time; we could not press him to do +so, for he was evidently in that state to which the claims of +friendship may become a burden instead of a beguiling joy. He was +alone greatly at his hotel, though I can for myself say that in his +intercourse with me, his gentleness towards me was so sweet that I +dare not remind myself of it. Still, in all he said and did there was +something seeming to be that was not; an indescribable want of +interest in the charms of existence which he had ever drawn into his +bosom,--a constant endeavor to rouse from a manifest abstraction. +Notwithstanding, he still wore the air of the most perfect health, nor +did I construe those signs, except into the fact of his being absent +from his new-found, his endeared and delighted home. He left us so +suddenly that I was only just in time to see him off. He would not +permit me to accompany him to London, from whence he should instantly +embark; but it was a letter from Clara that really hastened his +departure,--his babes were ill. I could not gain from him the least +idea of their affection, nor whether there was cause for fear; his +face expressed alarm, but had an unutterable look besides,--a look +which certainly astonished me, for it might have bespoken +indifference, as it might bespeak despair. One smile I caught as he +departed, that was neither indifferent nor desolate; it wrung my heart +with happiness to reflect that smile had been for me. + +The feeling I had for those unknown babies was inexplicable after he +was fairly gone. That I should have loved them, though unseen, was +scarcely strange, for they were the offspring of the two I loved best +on earth; but I longed and languished for one glimpse of their baby +faces just in proportion to the haunting certainty which clutched me +that those baby faces I should never see. Their beauty had been +Seraphael's only inspiration when, in conversation with me, he had +fully seemed himself: the one so light and clear, with eyes as the +blue of midnight,--his brow, her eyes; the other soft and roseate, +with her angel forehead and his own star-like gaze,--her smile upon +them both, and the features both of him. As one who reads of the +slaughtered darlings in the days of Herod, as one who pores on +chronicles of the cradle plague-smitten, I felt for them; they seemed +never to have been born, to me. + +Oh, that they had never been born, indeed! At least, there was one +while I thought so. We had a heart-rending letter from Clara one +fortnight after her lord returned to her: the twins were both dead, +and by that time both buried in the same grave. With her pure +self-forgetfulness where another suffered, she spoke no word of her +own sorrow, but she could not conceal from us how fearfully the blow +had fallen upon him. The little she said made us all draw close +together and tremble with an emotion we could not confess. But the +letter concluded with an assurance of his supreme and undaunted +intention, undisturbed by the shocks and agonies of unexpected woe, to +undertake the conductorship of the festival. The sorrow that now +shadowed expectations which had been too bright, tempered also our +joy, too keen till then. But after a week or two, when we received no +further tidings, we began absolutely to expect him, and with a +stronger anticipation--infatuation--than ever, built upon a future +which no man may dare to call his own, either for good or evil. The +hottest summer I had ever known interfered not with the industry alike +of band and chorus. The intense beauty of the music and its +marvellous embodiments had fascinated the very country far and wide; +it was as if art stood still and waited even for him who had magnified +her above the trumpery standards of her precedented progress. + +We were daily expecting a significant assurance that he was on our +very shores. I was myself beginning to tremble in the air of sorrow +that must necessarily surround them both, himself and his companion, +when, one morning,--I forget the date; may I never remember it!--I was +reflecting upon the contents of a paper which Davy took in every +week,--a chronicle of musical events, which I ransacked +conscientiously, though it was seldom much to the purpose. Strangely +enough, I had been reading of the success of another friend of +mine,--even Laura, who had not denied herself the privilege of +artist-masonry after all, for she was dancing amidst flowers and fairy +elements, and I was determining I would, at the first opportunity, go +to see her. Then I considered I should like her to come to the +festival, and was making up a letter of requests to my ever-generous +friend, Miss Lawrence, that she might bring Laura, as I knew she would +be willing, when a letter came for me, was brought by an unconscious +servant and laid between my hands. It was in Clara's writing, once +again. I was coward enough to spare myself a few moments. There was no +one in the room; I was just on the wing to my band, but I could not +help still sparing myself a little, and a very little, longer. I +believe I knew as well what was in the letter as if I had opened it +before I broke the seal. I believe terror and intense presentiment +lent me that stillness and steadiness of perception which are the very +empyrean of sorrow. Enough! I opened it at last, and found it exactly +as I had expected,--Seraphael himself was ill. The hurry and trouble +of the letter induced me to believe there was more behind her words +than in them, mournful and unsatisfactory as they were. He was, as he +believed himself to be, overwrought; and though he considered himself +in no peril, he must have quiet. This struck me most; it was all over +if he felt he must have quiet. But the stunning point was that he +deputed his friend Lenhart Davy to the conductorship of his own +works,--the concerts all being arranged by himself in preparation, and +nothing but a director being required. Clara concluded by asking me to +come to her if I could. She did not say he wished to see me, but I +knew she wished to see me herself; and even for his sake that call was +enough for me. + +My duties, my intentions, all lay in the dust. I considered but how to +make way thither with the speed that one fain would change to wind, to +lightning, or yoke to them as steeds. I packed up nothing, nor did I +leave a single trace of myself behind, except Clara's letter and a +postscript, in pencil, of my own. I was in my mother's house when the +letter came upon me; and flying past Davy's on my way to the railroad, +I saw Millicent with Carlotta looking out of one of the windows, all +framed in roses. It was a sight I merely recall as we recall touches +of pathos to medicine us for deeper sorrow. Two days and nights I +travelled incessantly, without information or help, solitary as a +pilgrim who is wandering from home to heaven; it could be nothing +else, I knew. The burning, glowing summer, the tossing forests, the +corn-fields yet unravished, the glory on the crested lime-trees, the +vines smothering rock and wall and terrace with fruit of life,--all +these I saw, and many other dreams, as a dream myself I passed. I +only know I seemed taking the whole world. So wide the scattered +sensations spread themselves that I dared not call home to myself; for +they did but minister to the perfect appreciation that what I dreamed +was true, and what I yearned to clasp as truth a dream. + +The city of his home was before me,--but how can I call it a city? It +was a nest itself in a nest of hills. Below the river rushed, its +music ever in a sleep, and its blue waves softened hyaline by +distance. In the last sunset smile I saw the river and the valley, the +vines at hand crawled over it, and there was not a house around that +was not veiled in flowers. When I entered the valley from below, the +purple evening had drowned the sunset as with a sea, there was no mist +nor cloud, the starlight was all pure, it brightened moment by moment. +And having hurried all along till now, at length I rested. For now I +felt that of all I had ever endured, the approaching crisis was the +consummation. Had I dared, I would have returned; for I even desired +not to advance. My own utter impotence, my unavailing presence, +weighed me down, and the might of my passion ensphered me as did that +distant starlight,--I was as nothing to itself. I had shed no tears. +Tears I have ever found the springs of gladness, and grief most dry. +But who could weep in that breathless expectation? who would not, when +he cannot, rejoice to weep? Brighter than I had ever seen them, the +stars shone on me; and brighter and brighter they seemed to burn +through the crystal clarity of my perception: my ear felt open, I +heard sounds born of silence which, indeed, were no sounds, but +_themselves_ silence. I saw the unknown which, indeed, could not be +seen; and thus I waited, suspended in the midst of time, yearning for +some heaven to open and take me in. Whatever air stirred was soft as +the pulse of sleep; whatever sigh it carried was a sigh of flowers, +late summer sweetness, first autumn sadness, poured into faint +embrace. I saw the church-tower in the valley, it reached me as a +dream. All was a dream round about,--the dark shade of the terraced +houses, the shadier trees; and I myself the dreamer, to whom those +stars above, those heights so unimaginable, were the only waking day. +At midnight I had not moved, and at midnight I dreamed another dream, +still standing there. + +The midnight hour had struck, and died along the valley into the +quiet, when a sudden gathering gleam behind a distant rock rose like a +red moonlight and tinged the very sky. But there was no moon, and I +felt afraid and child-like. I was obliged to watch to ascertain. It +grew into a glare, that gleam,--the glare of fire; and slowly, stilly +as even in a dream indeed, wound about the rock and passed down along +the valley a dark procession, bearing torches, with a darker in the +midst of them than they. + +Down the valley to the church they came: I knew they were for resting +there. No bell caught up the silence, I heard no tramp of feet, they +might have been spirits for all the sound they made; and when at last +they paused beneath me in the night, the torches streamed all +steadily, and rained their flaming smiles upon the imagery in the +midst. + +That bier was carried proudly, as of a warrior called from deadly +strife to death's own sleep. But not as warrior's its ornaments, its +crown. The velvet folds passed beneath into the dark grass as they +paused, as storm-clouds rolling softly, as gloom itself at rest. But +above, from the face of the bier, the darkness fled away,--it was +covered with a mask of flowers. Wreath within wreath lay there, hue +within hue, from virgin white and hopeful azure to the youngest blush +of love. And in the very midst, next the pale roses and their tender +green, a garland of the deepest crimson glowed, leafless, brilliant, +vivid; the full petals, the orb-like glory, gave out such splendors to +the flame-light that the fresh first youth's blood of a dauntless +heart was alone the suggestion of its symbol. Keenly in the distance +the clear vision, the blaze of softness, reached me. I stirred not, I +rushed not forwards; I joined in the dread feast afar. I stood as +between the living and the dead,--the dead below, the living with the +stars above,--and the plague of my heart was stayed. + +I waited until the bier, bare of its gentle burden, stood lonely by +the grave. I waited until the wreaths, flung in, covered the treasure +with their kisses that was a jewel for earth to hide. I saw the +torches thrown into the abyss, quenched by the kisses of the flowers, +even as the earthly joy, the beauty, had been quenched in that abyss +of light which to us is only darkness. I watched the black shadows +draw closer round the grave; one suffocating cry arose, as if all +hearts were broken in that spasm, or as if Music herself had given up +the ghost. _But Music never dies._ In reply to that sickening shout, +as if, indeed, a heaven opened to receive me, a burst, a peal, a shock +of transcendent music fell from some distant height. I saw no sign the +while I heard, nor was it a mourning strain. Triumphant, jubilant, +sublime in seraph sweetness, joy immortal, it mingled into the arms of +Night. While yet its echoes rang, another strain made way, came forth +to meet it, and melted into its embrace, as jubilant as blissful, but +farther, fainter, more ineffable. Again it yielded to the echoes; but +above those echoes swelled another, a softer, and yet another and a +softer voice, that was but the mingling of many voices, now far and +far away. Distantly, dyingly, till death drank distance up, the music +wandered. And at length, when the mystic spell was broken, and I could +hear no more, I could only believe it still went on and on, sounding +through all the earth, beyond my ear, and rising up to heaven from +shores of lands untraversed as that country beyond the grave! All +peace came there upon me; as a waveless deep it welled up and upwards +from my spirit, till I dared no longer sorrow: my love was +dispossessed of fear, and the demon Despair, exorcised, fled as one +who wept and fain would hide his weeping. And yet that hope, if hope +it could be, that cooled my heart and cheered my spirit, was not a +hope of earth. My faith had fleeted as an angel into the light, and +that hope alone stayed by me. + +It was not until the next morning, and then not early, that I visited +that house and the spirit now within it whose living voice had called +me thither. No longer timidly, if most tenderly, I advanced along the +valley, past the church which guarded now the spot on all this earth +the most like heaven, and found the mansion, now untenanted, that +Heaven itself had robbed. Quiet stillness--not as of death, but most +like new-born wonder--possessed that house. The overhanging balconies, +the sunburst on the garden, the fresh carnations, the carved gateway, +the shaded window, and over all the cloudless sky, and around, all +that breathed and lived,--it was a lay beyond all poetry, and such a +melancholy may never music utter. Thoné took me in, and I believe she +had waited for me at the door. She spoke not, and I spoke not; she led +me only forwards with the air of one who feels all words are lost +between those who understand but cannot benefit each other. She led +me to a room in which she left me; but I was not to be alone. I saw +Clara instantly,--she came to meet me from the window, unchanged as +the summer-land without by the tension or the touch of trouble. I +could not possibly believe, as I saw her, and seeing her felt my +courage flow back, my life resume its current, that she had ever +really suffered. Her face so calm was not pale; her eye so clear was +tearless. Nor was there that writhing smile about her lovely lips that +is more agonizing than any tears. It was entirely in vain I tried to +speak,--had she required comfort, my words would have thronged at my +will; but if any there required comfort, it could not be herself. +Seeing my fearful agitation, which would work through all my silence, +her sweet voice startled me; I listened as to an angel, or as to an +angel I should never have listened. + +"If I had known how it would be, I would never have been so rash as to +send for you. But he was so strange--for he did not suffer--that I +could not think he was going to die. I do not call it dying, nor would +you if you had seen it. I wish I could make that darling feel such +death was better than to live." + +I put a constraint upon myself which no other presence could have +brought me to exhibit. + +"What darling, then?" said I; for I could only think of one who was +darling as well as king. + +"Poor Starwood! But you will be able to comfort him,--you are the only +person who could." + +"Perhaps it would not be kind to comfort him; perhaps he would rather +suffer. But I will do my best to please you. Where is he now?" + +"I will bring him;" and she left the room. + +In another moment, all through the sunny light that despite the shaded +windows streamed through the very shade, she entered again with +Starwood. He flew at me and sank upon the ground. I have seen +women--many--weep, and some few men; but I have never seen, and may I +never see! such weeping as he wept. Tears--as if tropic rains should +drench our Northern gardens--seemed dissolving with his very life his +gentle temperament. I could not rouse nor raise him. His sodden hair, +his hands as damp as death, his dreadful sobs, his moans of misery, +his very crushed and helpless attitude, appealed to me not in vain; +for I felt at once it was the only thing to do for him that he should +be suffered to weep till he was satisfied, or till he could weep no +more. And yet his tears provoked not mine, but rather drove them +inwards and froze them to my heart. Nor did Clara weep; but I could +not absolutely say whether she had already wept or not,--for where +other eyes grow dim, hers grew only brighter; and weeping--had she +wept--had only cleared her heaven. We sat for hours in that room +together,--that fair but dreadful room, its brilliant furniture +unworn, its frescos delicate as any dream, its busts, its pictures, +crowding calm lights and glorious colors, all fresh as the face of +Nature, with home upon its every look; save only where the organ +towered, and muffling in dark velvet its keys and pipes, reminded us +that music had left home for heaven, and we might no more find it +there! + +And again it was longed-for evening,--the twilight tarried not. It +crept, it came, it fell upon the death-struck, woful valley. O blessed +hour,--the repose alike of passion and of grief! O blessed heaven! to +have softened the mystic change from day to darkness so that we can +bear them both,--never so blessed as when the broken-hearted seek thy +twilights and find refreshment in thy shades! At that hour we two +alone stood together by the glorious grave. For the first time, as the +sun descended, Starwood had left off weeping. I had myself put him in +his bed, and rested beside him till he was asleep; then I had returned +to Clara. She was wrapped in black, waiting for me. We went together +without speaking, without signifying our intentions to each other; but +we both took the same way, and stood, where I have said, together; and +when we had kissed the ground she spoke. She had not spoken all the +day,--most grave and serious had been her air; she yet looked more as +a child that had lost its father than a widowed wife,--as if she had +never been married, she struck me: an almost virgin air possessed her, +an unserene reserve, for now her accents faltered. + +"I could not say to you till we were alone," she said,--"and we could +not be alone to-day,--how much I thank you for coming; so many persons +are to be here in a day or two, and I wish to consult with you." + +"I will see them all for you, I will arrange everything; but you are +not going away?" + +"Going away? And you to say so, too! I will never leave this place +until I die!" + +"You love him, then, thank God!" + +"Love him! Shall I tell you how? You know best what it was to love +him, for you loved him best,--better than I did; and yet I loved him +with all love. Do I look older, and more like this world, or less?" + +She smiled a sweet significance,--a smile she had learned from him. + +"I have been thinking how young you look,--too young, almost. You are +so fresh, so child-like, and--may I say it?--so fair." + +"You may say anything. I think I have grown fairer myself. Very +strange to confess, is it? But you are my friend,--to you I should +confess anything. I have been with a spirit-angel,--no wonder I am +fresh. I have been in heaven,--no wonder I am fair. I felt myself grow +better hour by hour. After I left you with him, when his arms were +round me, when he kissed me, when his tenderness oppressed me,--I felt +raised to God. No heart ever was so pure, so overflowing with the +light of heaven. I can only believe I have been in heaven, and have +fallen here,--not that he has left me, and I must follow him to find +him. I will not follow yet, my friend! I have much to do that he has +left me." + +"Thank God, you will not leave us,--but more, because you love him, +and made him happy!" + +"You do not, perhaps, know that he was never anything but happy. When +I think of discontent and envy and hatred and anger and care, and see +them painted upon other faces, I feel that he must have tasted heaven +to have made himself so happy here. I can fancy a single taste of +heaven, sir, lasting a whole life long." + +She was his taste of heaven, as a foretaste even to me! But had she, +indeed, never learned the secret of his memory, or had she turned, +indeed, its darkness into light? + +"I wish to hear about the last." + +"You know nearly as much as I do, or as I can tell you. You remember +the music you heard last night? It was the last he wrote, and I found +it and saved it, and had done with it what you heard." + +But I cannot descant on death-beds; it is the only theme which I dare +believe, if I were to touch, would scare me at my dying hour. I will +not tamper with those scenes, but console myself by reminding that if +the time had been, and that, too, lately, when upon that brain fell +the light in fever and the sun in fire, the time was over; and +sightless, painless, deaf to the farewells of dying music, he, indeed, +could not be said to _suffer_ death. + +Nor did he _know_ to suffer it, as he had said. The crown that, +piercing with its _fiery thorns_ unfelt, had pressed into his brow the +death-sting, should also crown with its _star-flowers_ the waking unto +life. + + * * * * * + +"You remember what you said, Mr. Auchester, that he needed a +'companion for his earthly hours:' I tried to be his companion,--he +allowed me to be so; and one of the last times he spoke he said: +'Thank Carl for giving you to me.'" + + +That echo reaches me from the summer-night of sadness and still +communion, of _passion's slumber by the dead_. It is now some years +ago; but never was any love so fresh to the spirit it enchanted, as is +the enchantment of this sorrow, still mine own. So be it ever mine, +till all shall be forever! + + +I am in England, and again at home. Great changes have swept the +earth; I know of none within myself. Through all convulsions the music +whispers to me _that music is_. I ought to believe in its existence, +for it is my own life and the life of the living round me. Davy is +still at work, but not alone in hope,--sometimes in the midst of +triumph. They tell me I shall never grow rich, but with my violin I +shall never be poor. I have more than enough for everything, as far +as I myself am concerned; and as for those I love, there is not one +who prospers not, even by means of music. + +Starwood has been three years in London. His name, enfolded in another +name, brought the whole force of music to his feet. It is not easy to +procure lessons of the young professor, who can only afford twenty +minutes to the most exacting pupil. It is still less easy to hear him +play in public, for he has a will of his own, and will only play what +he likes, and only what he likes to the people he likes; for he is a +bit of a cynic, and does not believe, half so much as I do, that music +is making way. He married his first feminine pupil,--a girl of almost +fabulous beauty. I believe he gave her half-a-dozen lessons before the +crisis,--not any afterwards; and I know that he was seventeen and she +fifteen years of age at the time they married.[10] His whole nature is +spent upon her; but she is kind enough to like me, and thus I +sometimes receive an invitation, which I should accept did they reside +in the moon. + +But I have other London friends. After two seasons, more satisfactory +than brilliant, Laura retired from the stage. During the time she +danced, her name was scarcely whispered,--I believe she was even +feared in her spiritual exaltation of her art; but no sooner had she +left the lights than all critics and contemporaries discovered her +excellences. She was wooed with the white-flower garlands of the +purest honor, with the gold so few despised, to return and resume her +career, now certain fame; but she was never won, and I have since +made clear to myself that she only danced in public until she had +raised a certain capital, for you will only find her now in her +graceful drawing-room where London is most secluded, surrounded by the +most graceful and loveliest of the children of the peerage. No one but +Mademoiselle Lauretta--her stage and professional name--prepares the +little rarities for transplantation into the court-garden, or +rehearses the quadrille for the Prince of Wales's birthnight-ball. I +believe Miss Lemark, as she is known still to me, or even Laura, might +have had many homes if she had chosen,--homes where she could not but +have felt at home. Clara was even importunate that she should live +with her in Germany; Miss Lawrence was excessively indignant at being +refused herself; and there have been worthy gentlemen, shades not to +be invoked or recognized, who would have been very thankful to be +allowed to dream of that pale brow veiled, those clear eyes downcast, +those tapering fingers twined in theirs. But Laura, like myself, will +_never_ marry. + +For Miss Lawrence, too, that glorious friend of mine, I must have a +little corner. It was Miss Lawrence who carried to Laura the news of +Seraphael's death,--herself heart-broken, who bound up that bleeding +heart. It is Miss Lawrence whose secretive and peculiar generosity so +permeates the heart of music in London that no true musician is +actually ever poor. It is Miss Lawrence who, disdaining +subscription-lists, steps unseen through every embarrassment where +those languish who are too proud or too humble to complain, and leaves +that behind her which re-assures and re-establishes by the magic of +charity strewn from her artist-hand. It is Miss Lawrence who discerns +the temporality of art to be that which is as inevitable as its +spiritual necessity; who yet ministers to its uttermost spiritual +appreciation by her patronage of the highest only. It is Miss Lawrence +you see wherever music is to be heard, with her noble brow and +sublimely beneficent eyes, her careless costume, and music-beaming +lips; but you cannot know, as I do, what it is to have her for a +friend. + +Miss Lawrence certainly lost caste by receiving and entertaining, as +she did, Mademoiselle Lauretta; for both when Laura was dancing before +the public and had done with so dancing, Miss Lawrence would insist +upon her appearing at every party or assembly she gave,--whether with +her father's sanction or without, nobody knew. To be introduced to a +ballet-girl, or even a dancing-lady, at the same table or upon the +same carpet with barristers and baronets, with golden-hearted bankers +and "earnest" men of letters!--she certainly lost caste by her +resolute unconventionalism, did my friend Miss Lawrence. But then, as +she said to me, "What in life does it matter about losing caste with +people who have no caste to lose?" She writes to me continually, and +her house is my home in London. I have never been able to make her +confess that she sent me my violin; but I know she did, for her +interest in me can only be explained on that ground, and there is that +look upon her face, whenever I play, which assures me of something +associated in her mind and memory with my playing that is not itself +music. + +Miss Lawrence also corresponds with Clara, and Clara sees us too; but +no one, seeing her, would believe her to be childless and alone. She +is more beautiful than ever, and not less calm,--more loving and more +beloved. + +We had Florimond Anastase a concert-player at our very last festival. +He was exactly like the young Anastase who taught me, and I should not +have been able to believe him older but for his companion, a young +lady, who sat below him in the audience, and at whom I could only +gaze. It was Josephine Cerinthia, no longer a child, but still a +prodigy, for she has the finest voice, it is said, in Europe. No one +will hear it, however, for Anastase, who adopted her eight years ago, +makes her life the life of a princess, or as very few princesses' can +be; he works for her, he saves for her, and has already made her rich. +They say he will marry her by and by; it may be so, but I do not +myself believe it. + +Near the house in which Seraphael died, and rising as from the ashes +of his tomb, is another house which holds his name, and will ever hold +it to be immortal. Sons and daughters of his own are there,--of his +land, his race, his genius,--those whom music has "called" and +"chosen" from the children of humanity. The grandeur of the +institution, its stupendous scale, its intention, its consummation, +afford, to the imagination that enshrines him, the only monument that +would not insult his name. Nor is that temple without its priestess, +that altar without its angel. She who devoted the wealth of his wisdom +to that work gave up the treasure of her life besides, and has +consecrated herself to its superintendence. At the monumental school +she would be adored, but that she is too much loved as children +love,--too much at home there to be feared. I hold her as my passion +forever; she makes my old years young in memory, and to every new +morning of my life her name is Music. With another name--not dearer, +but as dear--she is indissolubly connected; and if I preserve my +heart's first purity, it is to them I owe it. + +I write no more. Had I desired to treat of music specifically, I +should not have written at all; for that theme demands a tongue beyond +the tongues of men and angels,--a voice that is no more heard. But if +one faithful spirit find an echo in my expression, to his beating +heart for music, his inward song of praise, it is not in vain that I +write, that what I have written is written. + + CHARLES AUCHESTER. + +FOOTNOTE: + +[10] Sterndale Bennett married Mary Anne, daughter of Captain James +Wood, R. N. + + +THE END. + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Charles Auchester, Volume 2 (of 2), by +Elizabeth Sheppard + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 40259 *** |