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Peachmonk, by John Eyerman -- A Project Gutenberg eBook.
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<div>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 40253 ***</div>
<h1>PEACHMONK</h1>
<p class="h2"><br /><small>A SERIO-COMIC DETECTIVE TALE IN WHICH NO<br />
FIRE-ARMS ARE USED AND NO ONE IS KILLED<br />
BEING A THREE DAYS EPISODE IN THE LIFE OF<br />
THE DUKE OF BELLEVILLE AS RELATED BY</small><br />
<b>LORD EDWARD LYNDON</b><br /><br /><br /><br /></p>
<p class="h2"><b>JOHN EYERMAN</b><br /><br /><br /><br /></p>
<p class="center"><small>NEW YORK<br />
1917</small><br /><br /><br /><br /></p>
<p>The fabric of this tale is based largely upon the use of Book-Titles,
and the names, several names in connection, or expressions in
CAPITALS, which indicate these titles, should in no way interfere
with the continuous reading of the story.</p>
<p>No Title, of either one or more words, is used more than once,
unless such title is represented by more than one Author.</p>
<p>Approximately, Nine Hundred Book-Titles have been used.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>No Literary Merit is claimed for this Tale, as none has been attempted.
The following Letter explains itself:</p>
<div class="blockquot">
<p class="right"><br />
BARCHESTER TOWERS,<br />
KENILWORTH. <br />
Saturday. </p>
<p>Dear Eyerman:</p>
<p>When we were talking the other night at MRS.
PERKIN'S BALL, I was just about to ask you a
favor, when OUR MUTUAL FRIEND, ADDISON,
with his usual lack of GOOD FORM FOR
ALL OCCASIONS, decided to fasten himself to us:
AFTERWARD, AT THE CASA NAPOLEON,
THE AMERICANS tied me up. I am glad to say
that I am now FAR FROM THE MADDING
CROWDS, and VILETTE, THE BEAUTIFUL
WRETCH that she is, has urged me to write you.</p>
<p>When Scarlett's eye-troubles began he decided
to amuse himself by dictating to <a id="MISS_MARJORIBANKS">MISS MARJORIBANKS</a>,
THE STORY OF MY LIFE, as he called
it * * * * Ten days ago, and to my AMAZEMENT,
he was ordered to INDIA and his work is
not completed, and I am no good at that kind of
thing. I want YOU to undertake the WORK,
and Scarlett wants you too. Don't refuse, please.</p>
<hr class="tb" />
<p>Present or absent, I trust, my dear fellow, that
you will think of me always as your sincere friend.</p>
<p class="right"><br />
Belleville. <br />
<br /></p>
</div>
<hr class="chap" />
<p>My PRINTERS have informed me that ALL THINGS CONSIDERED,
it will be best to omit the Introduction, as it is "NOT IN
IT" with the tale, WHICH was to have followed.</p>
<p>NOW, at first, I considered this all STUFF AND NONSENSE,
for I am sure I know MORE about CLEVER TALES, than they do
about printed MATTER, and I believe that I am considered one of
the best DESCRIPTIVE WRITERS in GREAT BRITAIN, and
certainly can write SKETCHES AND STORIES; however, "IT'S
UP TO YOU," but when the printers told me that the question
would be asked "WHO WROTE THAT?" to be followed by the remark
"IT'S GREAT TO BE CRAZY," I decided that as MY
BROTHER AND I are PALS FIRST, FOR HIS SAKE, the Introduction,
AS A MATTER OF COURSE, must be omitted.</p>
<hr class="chap" />
<h2>CONTENTS</h2>
<table border="0" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" summary="Table of contents">
<tr><td class="tdr"> <abbr title="1">I:</abbr></td><td class="tdl"><a href="#I_BEGINNING_OF_THE_TALE">BEGINNING OF THE TALE</a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tdr"> <abbr title="2">II:</abbr></td><td class="tdl"><a href="#II_INTRODUCES_THE_HERO">INTRODUCES THE HERO</a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tdr"> <abbr title="3">III:</abbr></td><td class="tdl"><a href="#III_INTRODUCES_MARJORIE">INTRODUCES MARJORIE</a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tdr"> <abbr title="4">IV:</abbr></td><td class="tdl"><a href="#IV_INTRODUCES_THE_VILLAIN">INTRODUCES THE VILLAIN</a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tdr"> <abbr title="5">V:</abbr></td><td class="tdl"><a href="#V_WHAT_THE_VILLAIN_DID">WHAT THE VILLAIN DID</a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tdr"> <abbr title="6">VI:</abbr></td><td class="tdl"><a href="#VI_INTRODUCES_THE_HEROINE">INTRODUCES THE HEROINE</a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tdr"> <abbr title="7">VII:</abbr></td><td class="tdl"><a href="#VII_THE_CRISIS">THE CRISIS</a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tdr"> <abbr title="8">VIII:</abbr></td><td class="tdl"><a href="#VIII_THE_GRAND_FINALE">THE GRAND FINALE</a></td></tr>
</table>
<hr class="chap" />
<p class="h1"><br /><br />PEACHMONK<br /></p>
<h2><a name="I_BEGINNING_OF_THE_TALE" id="I_BEGINNING_OF_THE_TALE"> <abbr title="1">I:</abbr> BEGINNING OF THE TALE.</a></h2>
<p>When one sees THE HONEY BEE constructing his little
hexagonal CELL, and the SPIDERS weaving their webs
and bridges, with all the accuracy of the ENGINEER,
which operations are not ACCIDENTALS, one is inclined
to ask: is one MAKING THE MOST OF ONE'S MIND?
Candidly: I DON'T KNOW: perhaps not; but I do know from a
scientific standpoint, the comparison is not permissible; still it makes
ONE think. However, what is most apparent to me is that I am in
THE CLUTCH OF CIRCUMSTANCES, and I have to write this
tale; THEREFORE, ONCE UPON A TIME, as all stories should
begin, a certain successful debutante, known as LADY ROSE'S
DAUGHTER, THE LADY EVELYN, sat in her boudoir in THE
HOUSE THAT JACK BUILT, IN LONDON TOWN, looking at
THE FACE IN THE GIRANDOLE, and listening to THE CHIMES
of the SILVER BELLS, announcing THE ELEVENTH-HOUR.
This room, like THE CIRCULAR STUDY on the floor below, was
hung with GOBELINS, between which, at regular intervals, were
hung original DRAWINGS OF GAINSBOROUGH, the floor being
covered with that world-famous textile, THE CARPET FROM
BAGDAD, while upon a magnificent LOUIS <abbr title="the fourteenth">XIV</abbr> stand were some
exquisite specimens of SALT-GLAZED STONEWARE, stamped
with THE GREEN SEAL.</p>
<p>Through THE OPEN SHUTTERS came the VOICE OF THE
STREET, and from distant KENNEDY SQUARE, the occasional
bark of THE GOLDEN-GREYHOUND, intermingled with the soft
lapping noise of THE MOVING OF THE WATERS in THE POND
IN THE MARSHY MEADOW.</p>
<p>MAMZELLE FIFINE, her ladyship's maid, was in the act of
affixing THE JEWEL OF THE SEVEN STARS to her ladyship's
beautiful new Peqiun CREATION, when VIVIETTE, one of the
parlour maids entered, carrying a box. "MILADI," said THE
EXPERT MAID-SERVANT, "this box was left but a moment ago
and DENIS DUVAL told me to bring it to your ladyship at once,
as THE MESSENGER said it contained FAMILY SECRETS;
there is a key in this sealed envelope."</p>
<p>THE VERMILION BOX, upon being opened with THE
DIAMOND KEY, disclosed A RED LILY, to which was attached a
card bearing the short inscription, "LEST WE FORGET," and
the INITIALS ONLY, TO M. L. G.</p>
<p>NOW, the Lady Evelyn, being A DIPLOMATIC WOMAN,
NOWADAYS, not unusual, expressed her astonishment in but seven
WORDS, "AT LAST, THE TRUTH ABOUT THE CASE," and
continuing said, "Viviette, draw THE CRIMSON BLIND, see that
MY STUDY FIRE is lighted, and ask ANN BOYD, the housekeeper,
to come to me at once."</p>
<p>The housekeeper entered almost immediately.</p>
<p>"Boyd," said HER LADYSHIP, "I shall postpone MY IRISH
JOURNEY, TO-DAY; I believe that before the TWELFTH NIGHT
from now, I shall know who this GABRIELLE TRANSGRESSOR
is, in fact I intend to know if it take FIVE YEARS TO FIND OUT;
go to the Circular Study, and consult the last WHO'S WHO IN
MUSIC AND DRAMA, and let me know what it says about MADEMOISELLE
CELESTE of the Gaiety THEATRE; then telephone
2835 MAYFAIR, and ask WERNER, THE COUNT'S CHAUFFEUR
to go to number NINETY-THREE, MANSFIELD PARK,
to-night at nine o'clock, and finally tell BETTY THE SCRIBE to
write a note of acceptance to the private séance of VERA THE
MEDIUM; and this afternoon, if you care to, you may take your
sister HELEN'S BABIES, SUSANNA AND SUE, to WUTHERING
HEIGHTS to see the HYPOTEMNODON, or, if you prefer, to
WAVERLEY to visit your UNCLE REMUS AND BR'ER
RABBIT."</p>
<hr class="chap" />
<h2><a name="II_INTRODUCES_THE_HERO" id="II_INTRODUCES_THE_HERO"> <abbr title="2">II:</abbr> INTRODUCES THE HERO.</a></h2>
<p>THE Duke of Belleville, having arrived at THE STAGE
DOOR of the Gaiety Theatre, just ten minutes late, had
failed to keep his appointment, and had been informed
by the door-man MR. PRATT that Mademoiselle
Celeste had left word that he was to go on to the Savoy, where she
expected to have supper and wanted the Duke to join the party.</p>
<p>The Duke, somewhat annoyed, but being made of THE RIGHT
STUFF, as let us hope all gentlemen are, merely remarked:</p>
<p>"I shall go IN SEARCH OF MADEMOISELLE" and turning,
he pushed his way through A MOTLEY crowd, the usual TYPES
FROM CITY STREETS, regained his motor, at the same time
deciding to FIRST go to his chambers, ROUND THE CORNER IN
GAY STREET, to have a little chat with his friend, HENRY
ESMOND, who had adjoining chambers and who was THE FIRST
SECRETARY to THE PRIME MINISTER, and who was leaving
on the morrow for EQUATORIAL AMERICA to study THE NEGRO
PROBLEM and the AFTERMATH OF SLAVERY.</p>
<p>AT THE OPEN DOOR to his chambers, the Duke was met by
his man, Jameson, who said,</p>
<p>"There is a LADY awaiting your Grace."</p>
<p>"Well, Jameson, who is THE MIDNIGHT GUEST?"</p>
<p>"I really don't know, your Grace, THE MYSTERIOUS
STRANGER is closely veiled and will not give her name."</p>
<p>"Very well, there is no ALTERNATIVE, I'll see her, and, Jameson,
remain within call."</p>
<p>"GOOD EVENING, MY LADY OF DOUBT," said the Duke,
"may I ask to whom—great heavens, Evelyn, what are you doing
here at this time of NIGHT? Surely the WORLD'S END IS NEAR;
WHAT WILL PEOPLE SAY? Your independence, to say the least,
is somewhat disconcerting; why not telephone?"</p>
<p>"JACK, you are positively hateful; I could not telephone my
message—no EAVESDROPPER, I trust—I believe I am on the
verge of discovering LORD CAMMERLEIGH'S SECRET, and I
want you to accompany ME to-morrow to THE MATRIMONIAL
BUREAU of THE PRINCESS DEHRA, that SORCERESS OF
ROME, who has many LITTLE STORIES, LAID UP IN
LAVENDER and can always find THE MAN HIGHER UP."</p>
<p>"OH, I SAY, Evelyn, you certainly do lead A SINGULAR
LIFE; you know I am not interested in these so-called TRUE
STORIES OF CRIME and most unfortunately, too, I am taking
THE 10.12 EXPRESS to Brighton; however, I shall be very pleased,
you know, to go with you on Monday."</p>
<p>"Thank you, JACK, but I AM AFRAID that is quite impracticable,
and I am sorely disappointed: you certainly took more
than a passive interest in the recovery of THE EUSTACE
DIAMONDS; now, it seems you never have the time for anything;
of course it is well known that THE BEAUTY, this Gaiety star,
always goes to BRIGHTON on Sunday, and I am told, by the 10.12
Express; I really do not understand your INFATUATION for this
WILD WINGS; but I dare say it's the WAY OF MAN, IN THE
ARENA of course; it's THE TREND of the times: however, MAJOR
VIGOUREAUX will be only too delighted to go with me, but I
wanted you, you foolish boy, you are certainly A CHANGED MAN,
and I do hope you are not PLAYING WITH FIRE, but...."</p>
<p>"Beg pardon, your Grace," interrupted Jameson, entering,
"Detective-Inspector Morgan is below, and desires particularly to
see your Grace."</p>
<p>"Let him come up, Jameson, and conduct the lady to the North
lift."</p>
<p>"And, BY THE WAY, Evelyn, I'm opening the Eaton Square
house and shall have a surprise for you: here, don't forget THE
VANITY BOX."</p>
<p>"Well, JACK, good-bye, I suppose I'm turned out, MARION'S VACATION,
begins next week, and I'm taking her to THE
DOCTOR'S LITTLE GIRL, ELIZABETH HOBART AT EXETER
HALL."</p>
<p>"Inspector Morgan," announces Jameson.</p>
<p>"Sorry to trouble you, your Grace: the lady...."</p>
<p>"Now, look here, MY MAN, the lady is my cousin."</p>
<p>"EXCUSE ME, your Grace, I quite understand: no harm intended:
I thought I recognized the LITTLE LADY as one of the
LIGHT FINGERED GENTRY; beg pardon, I'm sure; I came
particularly to ask your Grace's aid regarding the so-called
MYSTERIOUS MR. SABIN; we believe he was THE MAN INSIDE,
THE MYSTERY OF THE MIDDLE-TEMPLE, although
fortunately for himself, he keeps well WITHIN THE LAW; this
slippery TENNESSEE SHAD was at lunch to-day with Miss Celeste
of the Gaiety—nothing wrong with your Grace, I hope—great show on
there; your Grace probably recalls the timely advice you gave us
regarding THE CARLTON CASE; well, SIR MORTIMER, my
chief, had HOPE that your Grace would again be able to advise us."</p>
<p>"I fear not, in this case, Morgan, in fact I don't want to stand in
ANOTHER MAN'S SHOES, THE MAN IN THE BASEMENT
was really responsible for that advice."</p>
<p>"Then I shall INTERVIEW, THE LODGER; WHAT'S HIS
NAME, your Grace?"</p>
<p>"That is OUT OF THE QUESTION, Morgan; you are like the
DOG in the hands of the express company: you've eaten your TAG
and don't know where you are to go; too late; THE PEOPLE DOWNSTAIRS,
I am told, left yesterday for TROIS SEMAINES EN
FRANCE, which means, of course, SOJOURNING, SHOPPING
AND STUDYING IN PARIS; and now you must go, as I have an
appointment, long overdue; take a cigar, Morgan, from THE BRASS
BOWL, over there, and IN AFTER YEARS, you will remember
that particular brand, as it is pure HEMP, and if you are going HOME,
take that PURPLE FERN to your wife's MOTHER, for a chance
like this only comes ONCE TO EVERY MAN, and GOOD NIGHT."</p>
<hr class="chap" />
<h2><a name="III_INTRODUCES_MARJORIE" id="III_INTRODUCES_MARJORIE"> <abbr title="3">III:</abbr> INTRODUCES MARJORIE.</a></h2>
<p>MARJORIE'S VACATION was fast approaching its end;
SHE and her friend MARIETTA, BY FORCE OF
CIRCUMSTANCES, were conducting a flourishing
TYPE-WRITING establishment, JUST BETWEEN
THEMSELVES, at THE HOUSE ON CHERRY STREET, on
THE SUNNY SIDE OF THE STREET, so that PASSERS-BY
could see THE WAY UP, and they always allowed themselves, as a
VACATION, LITTLE JOURNEYS of a fortnight's duration IN
THAMESLAND or among THE ALPS.</p>
<p>Marjorie and her very best friend, BETTY STANDISH, were
seated under THE PLUM TREE, but obviously, not at a time when
the fruit was over-ripe, in THE GARDEN AT NO. 19, in that
historic spot, CHANTREY LAND, as the old village of Norton,
DERBYSHIRE, is called, having just been served with a second
instalment of TEA, by TILLIE A MENNONITE MAID, who
carried with her, THE GLEAM of LOCAL COLOR. The girls had
just had an exceedingly trying two hours' visit from THE MAYOR'S
WIFE, one of THE RAVENELS, and whose only TOPICS FOR
CONVERSATION, IN A NUTSHELL, were invariably IN DEFENSE
of her FAMILY; that she was following IN THE FOOTSTEPS
OF THE BRONTES, and always ended with the statement
that her BIG BROTHER, JOHN HENRY SMITH, THE ARCHDEACON,
had ordered the removal of THE OLD PEABODY PEW,
despite THE WARNING OF SEXTON MAGINNIS, that THE
MONK'S TREASURE would not be found in that part of THE
LONELY CHURCH of ST. JUDE'S and to-day, in addition to
these thread-bare topics, she announced to her hearers, that ON
GOING TO CHURCH, she had passed AT CLOSE RANGE, LORD
LONDON, and his SISTER CARRIE, taking some STRAY BIRDS
and TOY DOGS to the ABANDONED, HILL-TOP FARM (to see
the DOG STARS) and finally, that her husband, SIR JOHN CONSTANTINE,
had always been A SERVANT OF THE PUBLIC:
in fact, with the Mayor's wife, it was always, I MYSELF and my
family, and the young girls were at the point of collapse, when THE
CRISIS came, and THE EGOTISTICAL I, lady took her departure.</p>
<p>BETTY had picked up the INEVITABLE, MRS. RORER'S
COOKBOOK, for she liked THE FUN OF COOKING, in order to
decide WHAT TO HAVE FOR DINNER, and with the HOPE of
making an entire change in the SUNDAY NIGHT SUPPERS, for
one can not subsist solely on BAKERS' BREAD or CREAM
TOASTS.</p>
<p>"BETTY dear," said Marjorie, "I have come to the conclusion
that THE CARD SYSTEM IN THE OFFICE is valueless to US."</p>
<p>"Of course it is, if you say so; what does Marietta think? but
listen; is that MUSIC or someone in distress?"</p>
<p>For from HERE AND THERE came the sound of MUSIC; Oh!
such NERVE-racking, BROKEN MUSIC; Marjorie, at once,
hastened to THE GIANT'S GATE, the last remnant of Blunderbore
castle, which once occupied the site of the present house, to
find the guilty person, and there discovered a wretched-looking
individual, with two still more wretched-looking ANIMALS, which
the man called THE TEDDY BEARS.</p>
<p>Now, as Marjorie believed, that in THE TRAINING OF WILD
ANIMALS, one should first secure their FRIENDSHIP, she, WITH
THE BEST INTENTION, gave each of the bears a piece of COTTAGE
PIE, and this is no joke, either; for bears LOVE this particular
kind of pie; as a matter of fact, DIDO THE DANCING BEAR,
considers it THE RIGHT STUFF, and much prefers it to the flesh
of THE SALAMANDER, and in A SPIRIT OF MIRTH, she gave
THE IMMORTAL CHARLATAN some SIX PENNY PIECES,
to take his PETS to <a id="NORTHANGER_ABBEY">NORTHANGER ABBEY</a>, to SERENADE
the Mayor's wife, for, thought the young girl, harmless REVENGE is
sweet, and moreover she may be AT DEATH'S DOOR, after the
trying time she gave us.</p>
<p>"Betty, DEAR, I am so happy; we have had so many HAPPY
DAYS and yet, I shall be glad to return to THE CITY OF PLEASURE;
is it not strange that I, A MILLIONAIRE GIRL, should have
to earn my own living, because of AN OPERA AND LADY GRASMERE?
but what am I saying? THE DAWN OF A TO-MORROW
is still far away; Horrors; there goes that fearful client of mine across
THE LONG ROAD: I am frightened. WHAT IS COMING? what
does she want here?"</p>
<p>"Marjorie, tell me, what is worrying you? let us be COMRADES
IN ARMS; let me help you as I helped the FIVE LITTLE PEPPERS,
IN THE LITTLE BROWN HOUSE; let me be THE CUSTODIAN
of your secret."</p>
<p>"Yes, dear, I'll confide in you: I AM not, as you have supposed,
THE DAUGHTER OF ANDERSON CROW; I truly believe I am
Lord Cammerleigh's CHILD, that I have a sister, who is none other
than CELESTE, THE PRIMADONNA at the Gaiety Theatre;
and from what I have gathered from a WOMAN, the same woman
who just entered THE DEVIL'S GARDEN, who comes to our
office to have senseless letters type-written and apparently to no
purpose, so far as I can understand; I say, I believe my FATHER
does not know where we are and more than that, dare not look for
us on account, I say, of what this wretched woman calls THAT
AFFAIR AT ELIZABETH: a question of WATCHFUL WAITING;
it is certainly A DESPERATE CONSPIRACY, and I shall not rest
until THE CONSPIRATORS are UNMASKED AT LAST; but no
more to-night: WHAT'S THE USE, you are CHILLY: put on THE
GREENMANTLE and we will stroll along PIDGIN ISLAND, as
far as DARK HOLLOW to see if our little favorite the PUFFINUS
EYERMANI is still there, and TO-MORROW we will go to
SHREWSBURY to see JOEY AT THE FAIR feeding THE
DRAGON."</p>
<hr class="chap" />
<h2><a name="IV_INTRODUCES_THE_VILLAIN" id="IV_INTRODUCES_THE_VILLAIN"> <abbr title="4">IV:</abbr> INTRODUCES THE VILLAIN.</a></h2>
<p>SHERLOCK HOLMES once remarked: "By far, the most
daring investigator and most successful elucidator of
criminal mysteries is Martin Dhragnet, but unfortunately,
he always gives you the impression of being HALF A
ROGUE." In less than two years' time this same Dhragnet, having
had charge of the famous case of THE INFAMOUS JOHN FRIEND
in which THE DETHRONEMENT OF THE CITY BOSS was
a possibility, sold out his principal client, SIR HENDER O'HALLORAN,
V. C., THE MEMBER FOR ARCIS, and with two of the
principals, THE GREIFFENSTEINS, FATHER AND SON, he
fled to THE REPUBLIC OF CHILI, where they BEACHED
KEELS, and on the following CHRISTMAS, with EMPTY
POCKETS, and being in need of MONEY to buy the THINGS
required on CHRISTMAS DAY, took a CHANCE by stealing THE
GOLDEN DOG of THE PRESIDENT OF QUEX: escaped capture,
under the cover of one of those dark ARIZONA NIGHTS, by crossing
to BOLIVIA, where as ELECTRIC ARCS were in use on dark
nights, they were finally CAGED; but this is THE SECRET
HISTORY OF TO-DAY, and really digression.</p>
<p>Dhragnet finally escaped WITHIN AN INCH OF HIS LIFE,
by gnawing a hole through the WHITE PINE boards of his TINDERBOX
prison, swam the OCEAN and THE PANAMA CANAL, and
with THREE MEN IN A BOAT, crossed the Atlantic to FRANCE;
retired to a secluded spot in BRITTANY: then travelled in CENTRAL
ASIA AND TIBET: played THE HONEST LAWYER, INSIDE
THE GERMAN EMPIRE, hobnobbed with KINGS AND
QUEENS on the RIVIERA, and IN MONTE CARLO, met AN
AMERICAN GIRL, called the CAPTIVATING MARY CARSTAIRS,
with whom he became infatuated, as she had a bank account,
and notwithstanding the fact that all her friends said, "Oh:
MARY MARY, you are sailing UNCHARTED SEAS," she was
CAUGHT IN THE NET, and they were MARRIED, and the bank
account disappeared, as Dhragnet was given A FREE HAND: after
THE STORM, THE BAD TIMES came; he then formed, secretly
of course, THE ROBBERIES CO. LTD., grew a beard, and drifted
to ENGLAND; located in LONDON: formed the firm of DOMBEY
& SON, in Suite 813, NUMBER 101, PARK LANE, as purveyors
of wines and where every BRAND was on sale except the one you
wanted.</p>
<p>Strange as it may seem, Dhragnet, alias Dombey, had given
considerable thought to THE DRINK PROBLEM IN MODERN
LIFE, and to all appearances did nothing more than play
DOMINOES and EAT AND GROW THIN; however, he was merely
KEEPING UP APPEARANCES, for the rear room of this suite was
the rendezvous of MANY FAMOUS IMPOSTERS, HYPOCRITES
AND SINNERS: THE SHORT CUT to prison.</p>
<hr class="chap" />
<h2><a name="V_WHAT_THE_VILLAIN_DID" id="V_WHAT_THE_VILLAIN_DID"> <abbr title="5">V:</abbr> WHAT THE VILLAIN DID.</a></h2>
<p>IN THE DEAD OF NIGHT, and after strangling
with a POISON BELT, THE FOX TERRIER,
asleep BEHIND THE SCREEN, and then removing
his BOOTS, the INTRUDER, Martin Dhragnet,
keeping well within the SHADOW of the CANDLE LIGHT,
<a id="stealthily_approached">stealthily approached</a> the couch, upon which the girl, Marjorie,
had thrown herself, but a short time before, to read for a
fifth time, the LETTERS OF HORACE WALPOLE as she had become
much interested in THE CASE OF DR. HORACE; but five
times are too many to read, no matter whose LETTERS they are
and she was soon IN THE CLOUDS, and SLEEP overcame her.</p>
<p>Dhragnet gave the figure a LIGHT touch, at the same time
muttering, "MY CAPTIVE, LITTLE NEMO IN SLUMBERLAND:"
but THE LAW OF LIFE at once asserted itself, for THE
HUMAN TOUCH awakened the girl, but chloroform soon silenced
her, and throwing one of the ORIENTAL RUGS over the form, and
leaving his boots behind, and which fortunately for him, did not, later,
give a clue to the owner, THE INVADER carried his burden to THE
ONE WAY OUT, down THE CIRCULAR STAIRCASE, out INTO
THE NIGHT, where THE ACCOMPLICE, one of THE GANG,
awaited him, and taking THE MIDDLE COURSE across the YARD
AND GARDEN, the TWO SINNERS passed out upon THE
COUNTRY ROAD, THE ROAD made famous by JOHN GILPIN,
and none too soon, for THE TENANTS OF THE TREES were
BEGINNING to announce the approach of DAWN, the end of THE
LONG NIGHT, THE MORNING OF TO-DAY.</p>
<p>Marjorie was indeed KIDNAPPED BY PIRATES, as the
TESTIMONY OF WITNESSES, had there been any, later on,
would have proved. A short walk along THE DRUID PATH
brought THE GENTLEMAN with the KIDNAPPED girl and
CHERRY, his pal, to DEEP MOAT GRANGE, where a motor
awaited them.</p>
<p>"Now, PICCADILLY JIM, don't ask any FOOLISH QUESTIONS,"
said Dhragnet, THE DAREDEVIL; "don't stand there as
if you had been STRUCK BY LIGHTNING: this is not A FOOL'S
ERRAND: we've not COME OUT TO PLAY: GREAT SNAKES,
I LITTLE KNEW what a HANDICAP the girl was going to be,
an' I never have much SUCCESS WITH HENS, an' she must weigh
a ton, I GUESS: but WHEN THE HOUR CAME, and IN SPITE
OF THE HANDICAP, I had to grab her ROYAL HIGHNESS and
skip; but THE DANGER MARK is passed, an' we'll soon have
POLLY PEACHUM, IN CHAINS, aboard our merry captain's
leaky OLD CIDER MILL: grind your engine, LADDIE, and get
away from this DESERTED VILLAGE, for this may be a
ZEPPELIN NIGHT, an' you know only innocent people, like ourselves,
are killed on those nights, an' don't get twisted up in your
untied SHOESTRINGS, an' don't SOUND your horn."</p>
<p>And THE MAN AT THE WHEEL soon had the motor ON
SIXTH SPEED, rushing in FULL SWING, along THE ROMANTIC
ROAD.</p>
<hr class="chap" />
<h2><a name="VI_INTRODUCES_THE_HEROINE" id="VI_INTRODUCES_THE_HEROINE"> <abbr title="6">VI:</abbr> INTRODUCES THE HEROINE.</a></h2>
<p>The Brighton EXPRESS, having arrived at WATERLOO,
some FORTY MINUTES LATE, the Duke and his
newly-made DUCHESS at once proceeded to HIS
WIFE, Celeste's APARTMENT in THE HOUSE IN
SPRING GARDENS, where dinner awaited them.</p>
<p>"SWEETHEART," said the Duke, "you look a DREAM in that
COSTUME; to-day a DUCHESS OF FEW CLOTHES, TO-MORROW,
of many: do you know, I feel we are like THE
CHILDREN WHO RAN AWAY: I really don't deserve all this
HAPPINESS: WHEN A MAN MARRIES or the woman goes IN
SEARCH OF A HUSBAND, they naturally have GREAT EXPECTATIONS
for a HAPPY LIFE, and I know we are not going
to be disappointed."</p>
<p>"And I am going to be a SUCCESSFUL WIFE," said the Duchess.</p>
<p>"But to RETURN to our talk about your parents: I must find
this so-called NURSE NORAH; I am convinced that you are not the
DAUGHTER of Anderson Crow."</p>
<p>"Of course I'm not, JACK, but whose daughter am I? I am IN
THE DARK; when JUST A LITTLE GIRL, I was sent to school at
STRATFORD-ON-AVON where on SATURDAY MORNINGS, I
was visited by a woman who called herself MY AUNT JEANNETTE,
and spoke of me as A DAUGHTER OF THE RICH; MY SCHOOL
LIFE taught me THE VALUE OF COURAGE, but played HAVOC
with my disposition: the HOUR OF CONFLICT had to come, of
course: and then DIMBIE AND I ran away to TOWN and I soon
became one of THE PLAYERS O'LONDON, and you know the
REST."</p>
<p>"I shall certainly see YARBOROUGH THE PREMIER: he is
familiar with LONDON of twenty...."</p>
<p>"His Grace is wanted on the TELEPHONE," said the maid.</p>
<p>"Yes: Jameson: NO: very well: GREAT CATHERINE:
very well."</p>
<p>"I must leave you for a while, my dear; SANDY wants to
see me and Inspector Morgan is coming to my chambers; Jameson says
something important: ALL ABOUT ME: JUST FANCY: so GOOD
BYE SWEETHEART, you are going to be A JOY FOREVER, and
these are going to be GREAT DAYS for us; LIFE IS A DREAM
really."</p>
<p>After leaving SPRING Gardens, the Duke, who did not consider
WALKING A FINE ART, proceeded slowly along KENSINGTON
road, ON THE LOOKOUT for FAMILIAR FACES, and at
THE STREET CALLED STRAIGHT, was stopped by a sign NO
THOROUGHFARE, where a subway was under construction, and
was accosted by a bibulous INDIVIDUAL, who had just waded
through a mortar box, and who said:</p>
<p>"Greash Scott: ole BOY" said THE MAN WITH THE IRON
SHOES, swinging his GOLD HEADED CANE, "who'd thought—hic—it'd
snowed so hard in thish one spot: Sir: wantchew t'know,
I'm fren' of Sir Jaff'y Gotdough: an' he's dead."</p>
<p>The Duke had proceeded as far as Addison Road station, when
a hansom pulled up towards him, and he immediately recognized the
occupant as his cousin the Lady Evelyn, who said—</p>
<p>"Jack: I've been watching for you: Jameson said you were in
SPRING Gardens, but preferred not to give the number: said it was
NORTH OF FIFTY-THREE: jump in, please; I know it is not
GOOD FORM FOR WOMEN to be driving ALONE in a public
vehicle, and I feel like one of THE GIRL ROUGH RIDERS."</p>
<p>"Well; MY LADY CAPRICE, I WAS THINKING OF YOU;
what's on HER LADYSHIP'S CONSCIENCE?"</p>
<p>"Jack: I want this to be A CHRONICLE OF FRIENDSHIPS:
I know you will ask BY WHAT AUTHORITY, am I interesting myself
in your affairs, but do let us be COMRADES, let me tell you
that the Major has been telling me about your FRIEND, THE
CHORUS LADY, THE IDOL OF THE TOWN, as she is called—now
keep your temper—please, only nice things to say—I AM convinced
that she is a lovely and remarkable girl, and not a mere
FLUFFY RUFFLES: the Major says she is not the daughter of THE
ADVENTURER, Crow."</p>
<p>"But, my dear EVELYN, you of all others; you are THE ONE
WOMAN to interest yourself: it is amazing."</p>
<p>"No sarcasm, JACK, you know I care lots for you, FOR SUCH
IS LIFE, and if you really want to marry the girl, you may count on
me: but I came to tell you, that ONE DAY, some time ago, ON
OUR STREET, my motor ran down a WOMAN; of course you will
say the INEVITABLE, WOMAN IN THE WAY, and thinking her
only stunned ordered her carried into the HOUSE, and called THE
DOCTOR, and after an examination, DR. DAVID ordered absolute
quiet and forbade her immediate removal: for three days, the woman
raved about THE MALEFACTOR, Celeste, Cammerleigh, Crow,
and THE FRUIT OF THE TREE: ordinarily, one does not give
these ravings a second thought for delirious persons seem to have A
PERFECT PASSION for raving ON ANYTHING, but the things
next to their HEART, but the names struck me very forcibly; is it
not curious THE WAY THINGS HAPPEN; NIGHT AND MORNING,
from NINE UNTIL SIX-THIRTY, she kept it up: I think,
at the time of the accident, the WOMAN was being followed, as
Denis has seen the same man watching THE HOUSE: the woman
finally recovered and upon being interrogated, admitted that she
expected to need a large sum of MONEY, and asked if I would be
willing to give two thousand pounds for her SECRET: of course I
agreed, with a string attached, meaning of course, that being a woman,
you have a perfect right to change YOUR MIND, whereupon, she
said that when I receive a box containing a red lily, I must at once
visit the PRINCESS Dehra: TO-MORROW, I shall tell you what I
have discovered at the PRINCESS Dehra's."</p>
<p>"Truly, EVELYN, you're a wonder: I believe you are going to
help this LITTLE DUKE, as you helped LITTLE ROB ROBIN:
the deed has been done, I have paid THE PRICE OF LOVE: I was
MARRIED at BRIGHTON this morning."</p>
<p>"I am very glad, JACK; and I WISH YOU JOY: I KNOW she
is a dear girl.... By-the-bye, I am still undecided about becoming
SIR JAFFRAY'S WIFE: I had hoped to make something out of
him, but...."</p>
<p>"About how much: a million?" forgetting, for the moment, that
he had just heard of the death of this unfortunate individual.</p>
<p>"Sarcastic again, Jack: but here we are at Brook street: driver:
No. SEVENTEEN Grosvenor square: Good-night, Jack; come to
see me TO-MORROW, and trust to my JUDGMENT."</p>
<hr class="chap" />
<h2><a name="VII_THE_CRISIS" id="VII_THE_CRISIS"> <abbr title="7">VII:</abbr> THE CRISIS.</a></h2>
<p>"HELLO! Sandy, OLD MAN: how are you? is THE LURE
OF THE CITY too much for you? take that chair,
please."</p>
<p>"Thanks: I really would not know what to do with
it."</p>
<p>"Same old joker, I see: but tell me about THE MARRIAGE OF
THEODORA: when I heard of THE SUICIDE of her UNCLE
WILLIAM.... By-the-bye, WHY DID HE DO IT?"</p>
<p>"Well: I suppose THE UNFORSEEN happened, and, I dare say,
he feared BARON TRIGAULT'S VENGEANCE and moreover, I
fancy he could not have stood THE TEST of the probable revelations
of RAILWAY MISRULE: SO THEY WERE MARRIED, not
AT THE VILLA ROSE, but at THE HOUSE OF SERRAVALLE,
you know THE RED-HOUSE ON ROWAN STREET, on THE UP
GRADE from WOODSTOCK, on THE SUNNY SIDE OF THE
HILL: THEODORA'S HUSBAND, MR. OPP, is, by LONG ODDS,
the nicest chap I have met in years: of course, it was a MARRIAGE
A LA MODE, as he has inherited the greater portion of JOHN
MARSH'S MILLIONS, and he has undertaken THE EDUCATION
OF JACQUELINE, THE RED HEAD, you know: rather AN EMBARRASSING
ORPHAN, but a jolly keen one, just the same:
knows about THREE HUNDRED THINGS A BRIGHT GIRL
CAN DO, and she will be A SUCCESS IN LIFE: but of all the
FAIRIES I HAVE MET...."</p>
<p>"Inspector Morgan, your Grace," announces Jameson.</p>
<p>"Sorry, Sandy, I'll see you later. Morgan, I've been AN EXILE
FROM LONDON for one whole day: what's the news?"</p>
<p>"I thought your Grace would like to be in at THE ROUND-UP
to-night, as I believe you will have some personal interest in the case:
I have not all the ends joined: there are a few FRAGMENTS THAT
REMAIN unattached, but it is only a question of getting UNDER
THE CRUST: but before I forget it; the DOVER incident is closed:
THE PASSENGER FROM CALAIS has been CAPTURED and
THE CAREER OF KATHERINE BUSH has been brought to a
close: always hate to run down THE WEAKER SEX, but QUICK
ACTION was necessary. We are going to Ratcliffe, your Grace,
and I have The Yard's Rolls-Royce below, and if you have no objection,
we'll make a start. I have taken the PRECAUTION to
bring THE SCARLET RUNNER, as we call it; pretty heavy car, but
greater SECURITY; LIGHT MOTOR CARS AND VOITURETTES
are no good for rough roads."</p>
<p>"JERRY," said Morgan, as they reached the curb, "GO-AHEAD,
don't be a 'FRAID CAT, High street, Ratcliffe."</p>
<p>It took but a moment to get FROM LOW TO HIGH GEAR:
through Hobart Place, into VICTORIA Street, across New Palace
Yard, and on to the Embankment.</p>
<p>"Give this motor HALF A CHANCE," said Morgan, "and you
are GOING SOME: Does your Grace see the man AT THE CROSS
ROADS? that's MY FRIEND PROSPERO: he has been connected
with more CELEBRATED CRIMES than any man at the Yard."</p>
<p>On HIGH SPEED, THE SCARLET CAR rushed past The
Metropole, under Charing Cross bridge, past The Needle and the
imposing facade of SOMERSET HOUSE: across Blackfriars entrance,
and then into EARLY LONDON. "BREAKERS AHEAD," called
Morgan, "Jerry: careful of the mud." There really wasn't any mud,
only CITY DUST, but the sentence had to be interpolated here in
order to give a REASON for the next question.</p>
<p>"I don't suppose your Grace is interested in ROAD MATERIALS?
Last year, MY SON AND I made A STUDY OF
SPLASHES."</p>
<p>The motor continued on its CROOKED WAY through Upper
and Lower THAMES streets, past THE TOWER OF LONDON,
over THE BROKEN ROAD of Lower Shadwell.</p>
<p>"Your Grace, I venture to say, A BIT OF ROUGH ROAD."</p>
<p>"Very, Morgan, but good for OUR DIGESTION, but THESE
SHIFTING SCENES are rather disconcerting."</p>
<p>The motor was stopped at Love Lane, where the party was met
by POLICEMAN BLUE JAY, who accompanied them to the
THAMES Wharf, BEYOND the No. 3 shaft of <a id="Rotherhithe">Rotherhithe</a> Tunnel.</p>
<p>"Inspector," said THE PILOT, "here's A STROKE OF LUCK;
this is no WILD GOOSE CHASE; your trip is not IN VAIN; you're
JUST IN TIME, for the boat is still at ANCHOR."</p>
<p>"WHAT SHALL WE DO NOW?" asked the Duke, not KNOWING,
OTHER PEOPLE'S BUSINESS.</p>
<p>And Morgan, pointing through THE PURPLE MISTS, to the
SURREY side, for the early DAWN was upon them, said:</p>
<p>"We have now reached THE END OF THE JOURNEY: do
you see the ship in MIDSTREAM off the Surrey Locks, in front of
the gas tanks? That's our destination: the DEAR ENEMY."</p>
<p>"But, Morgan, for THE LIFE OF ME, I fail to see where I
come in."</p>
<p>"All in good time, your Grace: IT'S ALL IN A DAY'S WORK:
again I say, don't WORRY: but I see the EBB-TIDE is on," and blowing
two blasts upon a whistle, the Police-Boat, THE SEAWOLF,
shot through THE OUTLET from Shadwell Basin, where she was
always HELD FOR ORDERS.</p>
<p>"Be careful, your Grace: get away, ANTONIO: THE BLACK
BARQUE, you know: and when we get aboard, all be careful of the
OPEN HATCHWAYS."</p>
<p>And IN ANOTHER MOMENT, Morgan, standing in the bow,
shouted "Ship Ahoy: IN THE KING'S NAME, I want the captain
of THE QUEEN OF THE NIGHT," after which they began climbing
UP THE LADDER.</p>
<p>(A fight occurs here, a description of which has been omitted as it
contains some BLANKETY BLANK VERSE.)</p>
<p>"And now, my worthy CAP'N GID, cut out the SMILES: THE
GAME is up: the POPULATION of your HAPPY SHIP has dropped
one; we have secured two prisoners and if you don't want to be the
third, COME down, and besides, BY WHAT AUTHORITY are you
SAILING, UNDER TWO FLAGS: IN SPITE OF ALL the WHITE
LIES you have told us, you have A YOUNG LADY aboard and we
propose to have THE GIRL: WORDS TO THE WISE, you
know. I admit that you have been A VICTIM OF VILLAINY,
but you are playing A DESPERATE GAME, and THE RECKONING
is at hand. Where is THE HIDDEN VICTIM? what, may I
ask, have you over there IN GRANDMA'S CHEST, there in THE
SHADOW, UNDER THE RED ROBE? Put down that gun:
anyway I can see it is not THE REAL THING."</p>
<p>(A fight occurs here, a description of which has been omitted,
as there was some PISTOL AND REVOLVER SHOOTING.)</p>
<p>"My CAPTAIN with the FAIRY TALES, THE CONFLICT is
over; THE DAY'S WORK is finished; as a FIGHTER, you're a
monumental failure: go buy a scrap-book, and learn how to become
a prize-fighter, and as to SHOOTING FIRE-ARMS like WILD
FIRE, it was simply FURTHER FOOLISHNESS; but FOR THE
LOVE OF TONITA, come off your PIRATE BRIDGE; pull up,
and remember IT IS NEVER TOO LATE TO MEND: no more
MONKEY SHINES: this HAPPY-GO-LUCKY business has been
EASY MONEY to you, you with THE ITCHING PALM; but it is
really not one of the THINGS WORTH DOING, and IT NEVER
CAN HAPPEN AGAIN: I PROMISE to let you off, and these are
no IDLE WORDS, for you have been THE DUPE, and I WISH
YOU JOY in your FREEDOM, but OH! MARY BE CAREFUL,
hereafter. And NOW, my MAN, draw up at the ROYAL ALBERT
Dock."</p>
<hr class="tb" />
<p>"EXCUSE ME, MY LORD DUKE," said Morgan, "I think
instead of awaiting the return of the motor, THE MORE EXCELLENT
WAY will be to begin THE HOMEWARD JOURNEY,
by taking a tram here for West Ham, and then the District to THE
WEST END, THE LAND OF MAKE BELIEVE."</p>
<p>"GO-AHEAD BOYS: FOLLOW ME, your Grace," and carrying the still LIMPY
figure of the RELEASED girl, the party crossed the road.</p>
<hr class="chap" />
<h2><a name="VIII_THE_GRAND_FINALE" id="VIII_THE_GRAND_FINALE"> <abbr title="8">VIII:</abbr> THE GRAND FINALE.</a></h2>
<p>The Duke of Belleville had just finished going through
his morning's post, and still held in his HAND a lengthy
letter from his financial adviser, RICHARD ELLIOTT,
FINANCIER, THE MONEY MASTER dealing with
THE FINANCES OF SIR JOHN KYNNERSLY, one of THE
BOOMERS of the day, and with THE CONTEST FOR SOUND
MONEY. The Duke was, at the moment, reclining rather lazily,
with his TWO LEGS outstretched, and was thinking, neither of the
contents of THE LETTERS, nor of WHAT TO WEAR, but listening
rather, as THE MUSIC LOVER, to THE SONG OF SONGS, THE
SONG OF THE CARDINAL, perched upon THE ELM TREE ON
THE MALL.</p>
<p>Oh! What is there to equal a SPRING IN LONDON?</p>
<p>This, the Duke's favorite room, was at once the admiration of
the artistic, containing, as it did, wonderful examples of THE
CHIPPENDALES, and FRAGMENTS OF OLD FURNITURE,
collected by HIS OWN PEOPLE, his very own ANCESTORS: the
room, too, was an historic one; many A PRINCESS OF INTRIGUE
had occupied that very chair, and the GHOSTS OF PICCADILLY
had met there on more than one occasion, for every house must have a
GHOST, even if it be JUST FOR FUN.</p>
<p>THE BRONZE BELL of distant Big Ben had just proclaimed
the hour of noon, when Inspector Morgan was announced.</p>
<p>"AT LAST," said the Duke to himself, "THE REVELATIONS
OF INSPECTOR MORGAN."</p>
<p>"THE TOP OF THE MORNING to your Grace: I am here,
as you see, AT THE TIME APPOINTED: I trust your Grace is
well, after the ORDEAL BY FIRE last night? I am A COURIER
OF FORTUNE. RECORD NO. 33 is now complete."</p>
<p>"I AM WELL, Morgan: but out with THE GREAT SECRET:
I take it that THE WELDING of the chain is complete: that THE
GREAT PLAN has been successful: but allow me to suggest that you
are not FRANKS DUELLIST, so for goodness sake, stop bending THE
SILVER BLADE of that knife: it is not a rapier, as you seem to
imagine, and I am afraid you will break it: it really belongs IN THE
KITCHEN."</p>
<p>"MY STORY, your Grace, is rather long, and in a manner
proves that there has been MUCH ADO ABOUT NOTHING: but
before I begin, let me say that Sir Jaffray was FOUND DEAD this
MORNING: of course it was DRINK that killed him: I fancy that
lets your cousin, HER LADYSHIP, out of a bad bargain: THE
MESSAGE, BY TELEPHONE from Broadstairs stated further that
Sir Jaffray and THREE COMRADES were BOXING and drinking
quantities of BAD WHISKEY at BAR-20 of THE FLYING INN,
and à propos were discussing the ART OF AVIATION, and FLIGHT
WITHOUT FORMULAE, which only added FUEL to THE FLAME,
and became so noisy, that THE MASTER OF THE INN threw them
OUTDOORS: but to RETURN; this MORNING, I had a long
INTERVIEW with Miss Marjorie Crow, and she has helped me to
BRIDGE, THE CHASM: LINK BY LINK, have I welded the
chain: your Grace will probably recall that affair at ELIZABETH,
when Lord Cammerleigh, having been at THE OPERA with Lady
Grasmere, was found dead, two hours later, in High street, ELIZABETH;
his apparently lifeless body carried into THE RUNNING
HORSE INN, to await the arrival of the Coroner of THE 13th
DISTRICT: how the body disappeared IN A MYSTERIOUS WAY,
after having been viewed by THE VEILED LADY: the NEXT
MORNING, one of the Yard's men, PENDENNIS, in passing
along QUALITY STREET, saw Lord Cammerleigh at THE
WINDOW AT THE WHITE CAT: with the aid of a FORCING
<a id="BOOK">BOOK</a>, THE BOLTED DOOR was forced open and his Lordship,
even although AT BAY, denied having been at ELIZABETH: said he
had been MOTORING through the HIGHWAYS AND BYWAYS
IN KENT. Nevertheless, he quite innocently gave us THE CLUE:
ONCE BITTEN TWICE SHY, you know; THE WOMAN IN
QUESTION was traced to CHIPPINGE BOROUGH, where we
found she made A CHANGE OF DRESS, and in the garb of a
CHARITY sister, visited prisoner NUMBER 99, at DARTMOOR:
here, then, was THE MAN IN THE CASE, No. 99, being none other
than the celebrated DR. NIKOLA. FROM THE BOTTOM UP,
by DEVIOUS WAYS, by PERSUASION, and I might say, almost
by FOUL-PLAY, have we worked out this case: the WOMAN, I
have no doubt, finally realized that she was being HUNTED DOWN,
for we took every OPPORTUNITY to let her know that we had her
under surveillance, but here our theory failed us, THAT IS TO SAY,
the woman, NO DOUBT realizing that she was UNDER FIRE,
instead of coming to US with a proposition, wrote a confession, then
took A FATAL DOSE of Coniine. Now, your Grace, I understand
that you were married yesterday, and you will recall that last night
we rescued a young girl, named MARJORIE Crow...."</p>
<p>"What! Morgan, you certainly don't mean SISTERS: but I
know the Duchess hasn't a sister."</p>
<p>"AS YOU LIKE IT, your Grace: right you are, her Grace is
quite unaware of the fact; but THE TURN OF THE BALANCE
came this morning, when I informed his Lordship about THE
WOMAN AT KENSINGTON, HOW SHE PLAYED THE GAME:
that her husband was still alive and IN DURANCE VILE, although,
as I SAID TO MYSELF, this is not THE TRUTH as his RELEASE
came last night. Lord Cammerleigh then related his story: strange
how all the FRAGMENTS should be found at the same time: IN A
NUTSHELL, the woman's CONFESSION is that she and her sister
were the nurses to his Lordship's two daughters...."</p>
<p>"It will be news to most people to hear of Cammerleigh as a
FATHER," said the Duke, "but continue."</p>
<p>"At this time his Lordship was very fond of the gaming-table
and thoroughly knew THE RULES OF THE GAME: one night,
finding himself cheated, knocked down the offender, AS A MATTER
OF COURSE, and fled from THE CLUB. AS IT HAPPENED, the
man was not injured: continued his prison-in-the-end career, and came
into public notice TWO YEARS AGO, in the case of THE FOURBE
Soapstone and Leather Co. vs. THE GREAT AMERICAN PIE
COMPANY: was convicted and is now at DARTMOOR as No. 99,
which is, as I told you, NOT EXACTLY SO. The morning after the
club affair, the WOMAN, the nurse, informed Lord Cammerleigh
that he had killed HER HUSBAND and demanded twenty thousand
pounds; to keep silent: for the moment, she knew she had THE
UPPER HAND: his Lordship thought HIS HOUR had come, but
he put up A GOOD FIGHT: but YOU NEVER KNOW YOUR
LUCK, for the nurse did not know that his Lordship only had a very
small life-interest in his wife's estate, and could not comply with her
demands, her scheme had failed: then she spirited away the infants,
and it was not until to-day, that his Lordship knew that they were
still alive, so thoroughly did THE BLACKMAILERS do their work."</p>
<p>"Why did he not call in the police: COWARD...."</p>
<p>"JUST A MINUTE, your Grace, the reason is obvious: he had
the murder, so-called, in mind, and he also hoped to locate the kids
himself: for eighteen years, he was HELD IN THE TOILS, until one
day he saw the woman, driving in a VICTORIA, in THE ENGADINE:
she seemed to be moving IN HIGH PLACES (ALTITUDE, 5935
ft.): he followed her and made A BID FOR FREEDOM, but without
SUCCESS: the WOMAN informed HIS LORDSHIP that the
moment she heard of his DEATH, she would reveal HER SECRET
to his lawyers: hence the two sham deaths: on both occasions, he had
some one AT HAND, to immediately come FORWARD to claim the
body and spirit it away, so that proper restoratives could at once be
applied, without the aid of an inquisitive medical MAN: Doctor
Phaque thinks he must have used a powder, composed chiefly of
Dimethyloxyquinizine and Myosin to produce this STATE: the same
person was to at once inform the NEWSPAPERS of the death: unfortunately,
on the first occasion and ON THE EVE of SUCCESS,
the woman, having followed him to ELIZABETH, at once saw
through the trick. The second attempt proved equally disastrous:
we had the details of the Norton abduction, by arresting the man left
behind, A WATCHER IN THE WOODS; the woman had arranged
THE GREAT PLAN, HERSELF, when she realized that she had
divulged entirely too much to Miss MARJORIE Crow but MAN
PROPOSES, you know: the Nikola man's real name is Anderson
Nicholson Crow. How is that for A STORY OF A LIE? Lord
Cammerleigh is now with his DAUGHTER, MARJORIE, and expects
to call upon her Grace very shortly: he really believes himself
quite ill; I found him studying A TREATISE ON APPENDICITIS,
and he TALKS about being put UNDER THE KNIFE: A
DIAGNOSIS of his own, AS I REMEMBER; PEOPLE LIKE THAT
are NOT EXACTLY RIGHT; they get on my nerves; they should
have PEACE AND QUIET behind THE FIVE BARRED GATE."</p>
<p>"Oh! COME, Morgan, take THINGS AS THEY ARE: But
your success has been truly marvellous: HERE'S TO YOU: you deserve
a big COMPENSATION, and A TOY SHOP, FOR THE
CHILDREN. Jameson, telephone THE SLEEPING CAR office
in Cockspur Street, to reserve rooms on THE ROME EXPRESS for
to-morrow night, as the Duchess and I want to get away from the
TUMULT of THE CROWDED STREET; and TO BE AMUSED:
and now, Morgan, LAUGH AGAIN, and GOOD-BYE."</p>
<hr class="tb" />
<p>OF COURSE EVERYTHING HAS BEEN EXPLAINED,
BUT NOBODY WILL UNDERSTAND THE EXPLANATIONS
ANY BETTER THAN THE AUTHOR UNDERSTOOD WHAT
WAS SOUGHT TO BE EXPLAINED.<br /><br /><br /><br /></p>
<div class="transnote">
<p class="center"><b>Transcriber's note:</b></p>
<p><br />Minor printing errors have been corrected without note, although inconsistent punctuation
and capitalisation has been left as per the original.<br /><br />
The following is a list of notable changes made. The modified line is shown
first and the original line is shown second:<br /><br />
to amuse himself by dictating to <a href="#MISS_MARJORIBANKS">MISS MARJORIBANKS</a>,<br />
to amuse himself by dictating to MISS MAJORIBANKS,<br /><br />
to take his PETS to <a href="#NORTHANGER_ABBEY">NORTHANGER ABBEY</a>, to SERENADE<br />
to take his PETS to NORTHRANGER ABBEY, to SERENADE<br /><br />
<a href="#stealthily_approached">stealthily</a> approached the couch, upon which the girl, Marjorie,<br />
steathily approached the couch, upon which the girl, Marjorie,<br /><br />
shaft of <a href="#Rotherhithe">Rotherhithe</a> Tunnel<br />
shaft of Rotherhite Tunnel<br /><br />
The line "<a href="#BOOK">BOOK</a>, THE BOLTED DOOR was forced open and his Lordship,"
was left as per the original although it should probably have started
with HOOK.</p>
</div>
<div>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 40253 ***</div>
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