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diff --git a/40232-8.txt b/40232-8.txt deleted file mode 100644 index 45a2d2e..0000000 --- a/40232-8.txt +++ /dev/null @@ -1,5114 +0,0 @@ -The Project Gutenberg EBook of Post-Impressions, by Simeon Strunsky - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with -almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or -re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included -with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org/license - - -Title: Post-Impressions - An Irresponsible Chronicle - -Author: Simeon Strunsky - -Release Date: July 14, 2012 [EBook #40232] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK POST-IMPRESSIONS *** - - - - -Produced by Annie R. McGuire. This book was produced from -scanned images of public domain material from the Google -Print archive. - - - - - - - - - -POST-IMPRESSIONS - - - - -POST-IMPRESSIONS - -An Irresponsible Chronicle - - -BY -SIMEON STRUNSKY - -Author of "The Patient Observer," "Through -the Outlooking Glass," etc. - -[Illustration] - -NEW YORK -DODD, MEAD AND COMPANY -1914 - - - - -COPYRIGHT, 1913, -BY THE EVENING POST COMPANY, - -COPYRIGHT, 1914, -BY DODD, MEAD AND COMPANY - -The papers in the present volume were published during 1913 in the -Saturday Magazine of the _New York Evening Post_. - - - - -CONTENTS - - - CHAPTER PAGE - I ALMA MATER BROADWAY 1 - II THE CONTEMPLATIVE LIFE 8 - III SUMMER READING 17 - IV NOCTURNE 26 - V HAROLD'S SOUL, I 35 - VI EDUCATIONAL 44 - VII MORGAN 53 - VIII THE MODERN INQUISITION 63 - IX THORNS IN THE CUSHION 72 - X LOW-GRADE CITIZENS 80 - XI ROMANCE 89 - XII WANDERLUST 99 - XIII UNREVISED SCHEDULES 108 - XIV SOMEWHAT CONFUSED 117 - XV HAROLD'S SOUL, II 126 - XVI RHETORIC 21 134 - XVII REAL PEOPLE 141 - XVIII DIFFERENT 150 - XIX ACADEMIC FREEDOM 157 - XX THE HEAVENLY MAID 166 - XXI SHEATH-GOWNS 176 - XXII WITH THE EDITOR'S REGRETS 185 - XXIII A MAD WORLD 194 - XXIV PH.D. 202 - XXV TWO AND TWO 211 - XXVI BRICK AND MORTAR 220 - XXVII INCOHERENT 228 - XXVIII REALISM 236 - XXIX ART 239 - XXX THE PACE OF LIFE 242 - XXXI MARCUS AURELIUS, 1914 244 - XXXII BY THE TURN OF A HAND 247 - XXXIII THE QUARRY SLAVE 250 - XXXIV MONOTONY OF THE POLES 253 - - - - -POST-IMPRESSIONS - - - - -I - -ALMA MATER BROADWAY - - -He came in without having himself announced, nodded cheerfully, and -dropped into a chair across the desk from where I sat. - -"I am not interfering with your work, am I?" he said. - -"To tell the truth," I replied, "this is the busiest day in the week for -me." - -"Fine," he said. "That means your mind is working at its best, brain -cells exploding in great shape, and you can follow my argument without -the slightest difficulty. What I have to say is of the highest -importance. It concerns the present condition of the stage." - -"In that case," I said, "you want to see Mr. Smith. He is the editor -responsible for our dramatic page." - -"I want to speak to the irresponsible editor," he said. "I asked and -they showed me in here. I think I had better begin at the beginning." - -I sighed and looked out of the window. But that made no difference. He, -too, looked out of the window and spoke as follows: - -"Last night," he said, "I attended the first performance of A. B. -Johnson's powerful four-act drama entitled 'H2O.' It was a remorseless -exposure of the phenomena attending the condensation of steam. In the -old days before the theatre became perfectly free the general public -knew nothing of the consequences that ensue when you bring water to a -temperature of 212 degrees Fahrenheit. The public didn't know and didn't -care. Those who did know kept the secret to themselves. I am not -exaggerating when I say that there was a conspiracy of silence on the -subject. A play like 'H2O' would have been impossible. The public would -not have tolerated such thoroughgoing realism as Johnson employs in his -first act, for instance. With absolute fidelity to things as they are he -puts before us a miniature reciprocating engine, several turbine -engines, and the latest British and German models in boilers, -piston-rods, and valve-gears. When the curtain rose on the most masterly -presentation of a machine shop ever brought before the public, the house -rocked with applause. But this was nothing compared to the delirious -outburst that marked the climax of the second act, when the hero, with -his arm about the woman he loves, proudly declares that saturated steam -under a pressure of 200 pounds shows 843.8 units of latent heat and a -volume of 2.294 cubic feet to the pound. The curtain was raised eleven -times, but the audience would not be content until the author appeared -before the footlights escorted by a master plumber and the president of -the steamfitters' union. - -"The third act was laid in the reception room of a Tenderloin resort--" - -"I don't quite see," I said. - -"That followed inevitably from the development of the plot," he replied. -"The heroine, you must understand, had been abducted by the president -of a rival steamfitters' union and had been sold into a life of shame. -She is saved in the nick of time by an explosion of the boiler due to -superheated steam. In the old days such a scene would have been -impossible and the author's lesson about the effects of condensation and -vaporization would have been lost to the world." - -"And the play will be a success?" I said. - -"It's a knockout," he replied. "No play of real life with a punch like -that has been produced since C. D. Brewster put on his three-act -tragi-comedy, 'Ad Valorem.' As the title implies, the play sets out to -demonstrate the difference between the Payne-Aldrich tariff law and the -Underwood law, item by item. I have rarely seen an audience so deeply -stirred as all of us were during the long and pathetic scene toward the -end of the first act in which the author deals with the chemical and -mineral oil schedule. Are you aware that under the Underwood law the -duty on formaldehyde is reduced from twenty-five per cent. to one cent a -pound?" - -"I hardly ever go to the theatre nowadays," I said. - -He looked at me reproachfully. - -"Some day you will find yourself, quite unexpectedly, facing a crisis in -which your ignorance of the duty on formaldehyde will cost you dear, and -then you will have cause to regret your indifference toward the progress -of the modern drama. However, the third act of 'Ad Valorem' is laid in -the reception room of a Tenderloin resort." - -"What?" I said. - -"It was bound to be," he replied. "Freed from all Puritanical -restrictions, the playwright of the present day follows wherever his -plot leads him in accordance with the truth of life. In 'Ad Valorem,' -for instance, the fabulously rich importer of oils and chemicals who is -the villain of the piece has succeeded in smuggling an enormously -valuable consignment of formaldehyde out of the Government warehouse. -What is more natural than that he should conceal the smuggled goods in -the Tenderloin? The case is a perfectly simple one. Forbid a playwright -to show the interior of a Tenderloin dive and the public will never know -the truth about the Underwood bill. You see, there is nothing about the -tariff in the newspapers. There is nothing in the magazines. College -professors never mention the subject. Campaign speakers ignore it. There -is a conspiracy of silence. Only the theatre offers us enlightenment on -the subject. Under such conditions would you keep the playwright from -telling us what he knows?" - -"Putting it that way--" I said. - -"I knew you would agree with me," he went on. "Take, for instance, E. F. -Birmingham's realistic drama, 'The Shortest Way,' in which the author -has demonstrated with implacable truthfulness and irresistible logic -that in any triangle the sum of two sides is greater than the third. In -a joint letter to the freshman classes of Columbia University and New -York University, the author and the producer of 'The Shortest Way' have -pointed out that nowhere have the principles of plane geometry been so -clearly formulated as in the second act of the play. The gunman has just -shot down his victim on the corner of Broadway and Forty-second Street. -He flees northward on Broadway to Forty-third Street and then doubles -backward on Seventh Avenue. The hero, who is a professor of mathematics, -recalling his Euclid, runs westward on Forty-second Street, and the -curtain descends. At the beginning of the next act we find that the -gunman has taken refuge in the reception room of a Tender--" - -"I know," I replied. "He was driven there by the irresistible logic of -the dramatist's idea." - -"Exactly," he said. And so left me. - - - - -II - -THE CONTEMPLATIVE LIFE - - -From the chapter entitled "My Milkman," in Cooper's volume of -"Contemporary Portraits," hitherto unpublished, through no fault of his -own, but because one publisher declined to handle anything but -typewritten copy, and another suggested that if cut down by half the -book might be accepted by the editor of some religious publication, and -still another editor thought that if several chapters were expanded and -a love story inserted, the thing might do, otherwise there was no market -for essays, especially such as failed to take a cheerful view of life, -whereupon Cooper insisted that his book was exceptionally cheerful, -inasmuch as it showed that life could be tolerable in spite of being so -queer, to which the editor replied that serializing a book of humour was -quite out of the question. "Then how about Pickwick?" said Cooper--but -let us get back to the chapter on the milkman. I quote: - -Would sleep never come! I shifted the pillow to the foot of the bed and -back; threw off the covers; pulled them over my head; discarded them; -repeated the multiplication table; counted footsteps in the street -beneath my window; lit a cigarette; tried to go to sleep sitting up and -embracing my knees the way they bury the dead in Yucatan. No use. I -would doze off, and immediately that unfortunate column of figures would -appear, demanding to be added up, and I unable to determine whether sums -written in Roman numerals could be added up at all. That is the -disadvantage of taking conversation seriously, after ten in the evening, -or at any time. I had been discussing the immigration problem till -nearly midnight, and now I was busy adding up the annual influx from -Austria-Hungary during the last twelve years expressed in Roman -numerals. Some people are different. Their opinions don't hurt them. I -have heard people say the most biting things about the need of -abolishing religion and the family, and five minutes later ask for a -caviare sandwich. Whereas I take the total immigration from -Austria-Hungary for the last twelve years to bed with me and cannot fall -asleep. - -I heard the rattle of wheels under my window. It was nearing daybreak. I -looked at my watch and it was close to five. I got up, washed in cold -water, dressed, and went outside. As I walked downstairs I heard the -clatter of bottles in the hallway below and some one whistling -cheerfully. It was the milkman. His wagon was at the curb, and as I -passed down the front steps and stopped to breathe in the sharp, clean, -mystic air of dawn, the milkman's horse raised his head, gazed at me for -a moment with a curious, friendly scepticism, and sank back into -thoughtful contemplation of a spot eighteen inches immediately in front -of his fore-legs. - -(Here one editor had written in the margin: "Amateurish beginning; -should have led off with a crisp phrase or two addressed to the milkman -and then proceeded to a psychological analysis of the milkman's horse.") - -I said to the milkman: - -"This life of yours must be wonderfully conducive to seeing things from -a new angle. A world of chill and pure half-shadows; the happiest time -of the twenty-four hours; the roisterers gone to bed and the -factory-workers not stirring for a good hour. I should imagine that men -in your line would all be philosophers." - -"It does get a bit lonely," he said. "But I always carry an evening -paper with me and read a few lines from house to house. Do you think -they'll let Thaw off?" - -"What do _you_ think about it?" I said. "I haven't been following up the -case." - -"I have read every bit of the story," he said. "He isn't any more crazy -than you or me. He's been punished enough; what's the use of persecuting -a man like that?" - -If Thaw were as sound in mind as my friend the milkman, there would be -no doubt that he deserved his freedom. My new acquaintance was so well -set up, so clear-eyed, with that ruddy glow which comes from shaving and -washing in cold water before dawn, with the quiet air of peace and -strength which comes from working in the silent hours. I thought what an -upright, independent life a milkman's must be, so free from the petty -chaffering and meanness that make up the ordinary tradesman's routine. -He has no competition to contend with. He is no one's servant. He -deposits his wares at your doorstep and you take them or leave them as -you please. He can work in the dark because he does not need the light -to study your face and overreach you. With no one to watch him, with no -one to criticise him, with leisure and silence in which to work out his -problems--I envied him. - -(Here another editor had written: "Tedious; chance for an excellent bit -of characterisation in dialogue entirely missed.") - -"You're an early riser," he said. - -"Can't fall asleep," I said. "This air will do me good." - -"A brisk walk," he suggested. - -"I'm too tired," I said. - -He turned on the wagon step. "Jump in," he said; and when I was seated -beside him he clucked to the horse, who raised his drooping head and -started off diagonally across the street, apparently confident that he -would find another cobblestone to contemplate, eighteen inches in front -of his fore-legs. - -"A good many more people find it hard to sleep nowadays than ever -before," he said. "You can tell by the windows that are lit up. Though -very often it's diphtheria or something of the sort. You hear the little -things whimper, and sometimes a man will run down the street and pull -the night-bell at the drug-store." - -"Then you don't read all the time while you are driving?" - -"Oh, you notice those things and keep on reading. It isn't very noisy -about this time of the day." He laughed. - -"I should think you'd be tired," I said. - -He said they did not work them too hard in his line. The hours were -reasonable. At one time there was an attempt on the part of the dairy -companies to make the hours longer; but the milkmen have some union of -their own, and there was a strike which ended in the companies agreeing -to pay for over-time from 7 to 9 A.M. Their association was more of a -social and benefit society than a trade union. Once a month in summer -they had an outing with lunch and some kind of a cabaret show and -dancing. They were a contented lot. The work was not too exacting. He -could read the evening paper when it got light enough, or sometimes he -could just sit still and think. - -Think what? - -Again I envied him. What extraordinary facilities this man had for -thinking straight, for seeing things clearly in this crisp morning air, -and around him silence and everything as fresh, as frank, as fragrant as -when the world was still young. - -He blushed and hesitated, but finally confessed that for more than a -year he had been carrying about in his head a scenario for a -moving-picture play. His story was naturally interrupted at frequent -intervals as he went about the distribution of his milk bottles. But -stripped of repetitions and ambiguities the plot he had evolved in the -course of more than a year's driving through the silent streets was -about as follows: - -The infant daughter of an extremely wealthy Mexican mine-owner is stolen -by the gipsies. When she grows up she is chosen by the gipsy king for -his bride. Before the wedding takes place the gipsies plan to rob the -house of a Mexican millionaire who is no other than the girl's father. -She volunteers to gain entrance into the house by posing as a celebrated -Spanish dancer. At night she opens the door to her confederates. Leaving -the girl to keep watch over their prisoner, the gipsies go about -ransacking the house. The unhappy man groans and cries out, "Ah, if only -I could see my little Juanita before I die." Father and daughter -recognise each other, she releases him from big bonds, and arming -themselves with Browning revolvers they shoot down the gipsy marauders -as they enter the room in single file. Juanita marries the young -overseer whom the childless old man has designated as his heir. - -(Here one editor wrote: "An ordinary plot; nothing in it to show that it -was written by a milkman instead of a clergyman or a structural iron -worker.") - -I think the criticism is a fair one. - - - - -III - -SUMMER READING - - -Our vacation plans last year were of the simplest. Personally, I said to -Emmeline, there was just one thing I longed for--to get away to some -quiet place where I could lie on my back under the trees and look up at -the clouds. To this Emmeline replied that in this posture (1) I always -smoke too much; (2) I catch cold and begin to sneeze; (3) I don't look -at the clouds at all, but tire my eyes by studying the baseball page in -the full glare of the sun. The newspaper habit is one which I regularly -forswear every summer on leaving town. I hold to my resolution to this -extent that I refrain from going down to the post office in the morning -to buy a paper. But toward eleven o'clock the strain becomes unendurable -and I borrow a copy of yesterday's paper after peering wistfully over -other people's shoulders. Emmeline thinks this habit all the more -inexcusable because, working for a newspaper myself, I ought to know -there is never anything in them. She can't imagine what drives me on. I -told her, perhaps it is the unconscious hope that some day I shall find -in the paper something worth while. - -Actually, one soon discovers that the simple act of lying on one's back -on the grass and looking up at the clouds involves an extraordinary -amount of preparation. I am inclined to think that there must be -correspondence courses which teach in ten lessons how to lie on one's -back properly and look up. There must be text-books on how to tell the -cumuli from the cirrus. There must be useful hints on how to relax and -lose yourself in the immensity of the blue void. - -The personal equipment one needs to gaze at the clouds, if you believe -the department stores, is tremendous. English flannels; French -shirtings; native khaki; silks; home-spuns; belts with a monogram -buckle; flowered cravats in colours to blend with the foliage; safety -razors; extra blades for the razors; strops to sharpen the blades; -unguents to keep the strops flexible; nickeled cases to keep the -unguents in; and metal polish for the nickeled cases. Arduous labour is -involved in going to Maple View Farm from the comparatively simple -civilisation of New York. I am not certain whether in the best circles -one can properly lie on one's back and look at the clouds without a -humidor and a thermos bottle. - -Emmeline said I must be sure and not forget my fishing-pole, as that -trout in the brook behind the barn would probably be expecting me. - -It seems absurd for a full-grown man to speak of hating a trout. But why -deny it? When I think of the utterly debased creature in the pool behind -the barn, the accumulated results of ten thousand years of civilisation -drop from me, and my heart is surcharged with venom. It all came about -so gradually. My landlord asked me one morning whether I shouldn't like -to try my luck with his rod. I said I should. I took his rod and hooked -the blackberry bush on the other side of the stream. I did better on my -next try. As my hook sank below the surface, a thrill ran along the -line, the slender bamboo stem arched forward, and I waited with my heart -in my mouth for an enormous trout to emerge and engage me in a -life-and-death struggle. But through three long weeks he refused to -emerge. Emmeline said it was the bottom of the soap-box whose upper edge -is visible above the surface. But that cannot be. No inanimate object -could elicit in any one the rage and the sense of frustrated -desire--perhaps I had better say no more. All my better instincts -corrode with the thought of that fish. It would have been compensation, -at least, if I had ever caught any other fish in that brook. It might -have been a near relation, a favourite son perhaps, and I should have -had my revenge--but there I go again. - - * * * * * - -What Emmeline wanted was a chance to catch up in her reading. It had -been a hard winter and spring, with the doctor too frequently in the -house and books quite out of the question. There were a half-dozen -novels Emmeline had in mind, not to mention Mr. Bryce's book on South -America, John Masefield, and Strindberg, whom she cordially detests. I -do too. I warned her against drawing up too ambitious a list, but she -was determined to make a summer of it. She said she felt illiterate and -terribly old. All I could do was to mention a few bookshops where she -could get the best choice with the least expenditure of energy. -Nevertheless she came back from her first day's shopping with a -headache. - -Éponge is a rough, Turkish-towel fabric, selling in many widths, and -eminently desirable for out-of-door wear because of its peculiar -adaptability to the slim styles which prevent walking. Éponge has this -fatal defect, however, that when it is advertised in ready-made gowns at -an astounding reduction from $39.50, all the desirable models sell out -some time before ten o'clock in the morning. Hence Emmeline's headache. -She took very little supper and expressed the belief that our vacation -would be a complete failure. The mountains are always hot and dusty and -the crowd is a very mixed one. - -After a while Emmeline had a cup of tea and felt better. We went over -our list of books for the summer and she wondered whether it wouldn't -pay to get a seamstress into the house and avoid the exhausting trips -downtown. On second thoughts she decided not to. Next morning she was -quite well and asked me to remind her not to forget Robert Herrick's new -novel. She said she might drop in at the office for lunch if she got -through early at the stores, and we might look at books together. - -Charmeuse is a shimmering, silk-like material which lends itself -admirably to summer wear, because it stains easily. But in its effect on -the shopper's nerves, charmeuse is even worse than éponge. In fact, as a -preparation for a summer's reading, I don't know what is more -exhausting than charmeuse, unless it be crêpe de Chine. Emmeline did not -drop in for lunch that day, and when I came home at night, I found her -more depressed than ever. There was nothing to be had downtown. Prices -were impossible and anything else wasn't fit to be touched. It might be -just as well to stay in town for the summer as go away and take the -chance of getting typhoid. The situation was somewhat relieved by the -arrival at this juncture of several parcels, some long and narrow, and -others short and square. One particularly heavy box felt as if it might -contain a set of Strindberg, but turned out to be a really handsome coat -in blue chinchilla which Emmeline explained would be just the thing for -cool nights in the country. She had bought it in despair at obtaining -the kind of crêpe de Chine she wanted. The crêpe de Chine came in a -smaller box. - -At breakfast the next day we were tremendously cheerful. I told Emmeline -of the handsome raincoat I had bought in preparation for lying on my -back on the grass and looking up at the clouds. From that we passed to -the new Brieux play. But when Emmeline intimated that she was going -downtown soon after breakfast, I grew anxious. - -"Do you think," I said, "that it will really make any difference to Mr. -Galsworthy whether you read him in a voile or in a white cotton ratine?" - -"If that is the way you feel about it," said Emmeline, "I can telephone -and have them take all these things back. I hate them anyhow." - -"What I mean is," I said, "that you don't want to wear yourself out -completely before we leave the city. We have a month's reading ahead of -us. Let us begin it in peace of mind." - -"With nothing to wear?" she said. - -Tulle is a partly transparent material, which in the hands of a skilful -milliner becomes an invaluable aid to a thorough comprehension of the -plays of M. Brieux, especially when studied amid the complexities of -life on Maple View Farm. As usual, it is the department stores which -have been first to discover this fundamental connection in life. They -have everything necessary for the thorough enjoyment of Mr. Bryce's book -on South America--blouses, toques, parasols, and tennis shoes. Special -bargains in linen crash and batiste are offered on the same day with a -cut-rate edition of "Damaged Goods." Reading Brieux in the country is -almost as complicated a diversion as lying on one's back and looking up -at the clouds. - - - - -IV - -NOCTURNE - - -Once every three months, with fair regularity, she was brought into the -Night Court, found guilty, and fined. She came in between eleven o'clock -and midnight, when the traffic of the court is as its heaviest, and it -would be an hour, perhaps, before she was called to the bar. When her -turn came she would rise from her seat at one end of the prisoners' -bench and confront the magistrate. - -Her eyes did not reach to the level of the magistrate's desk. A -policeman in citizens' clothes would mount the witness stand, take oath -with a seriousness of mien which was surprising, in view of the -frequency with which he was called upon to repeat the formula, and -testify in an illiterate drone to a definite infraction of the law of -the State, committed in his presence and with his encouragement. While -he spoke the magistrate would look at the ceiling. When she was called -upon to answer she defended herself with an obvious lie or two, while -the magistrate looked over her head. He would then condemn her to pay -the sum of ten dollars to the State and let her go. - -She came to look forward to her visits at the Night Court. - - * * * * * - -The Night Court is no longer a centre of general interest. During the -first few months after it was established, two or three years ago, it -was one of the great sights of a great city. For the newspapers it was a -rich source of human-interest stories. It replaced Chinatown in its -appeal to visitors from out of town. It stirred even the languid pulses -of the native inhabitant with its offerings of something new in the way -of "life." The sociologists, sincere and amateur, crowded the benches -and took notes. - -To-day the novelty is worn off. The newspapers long ago abandoned the -Night Court, clergymen go to it rarely for their texts, and the tango -has taken its place. But the sociologists and the casual visitor have -not disappeared. Serious people, anxious for an immediate vision of the -pity of life, continue to fill the benches comfortably. No session of -the court is without its little group of social investigators, among -whom the women are in the majority. Many of them are young women, -exceedingly sympathetic, handsomely gowned, and very well taken care of. - -As she sat at one end of the prisoners' bench waiting her turn before -the magistrate's desk, she would cast a sidelong glance over the railing -that separated her from the handsomely gowned, gently bred, sympathetic -young women in the audience. She observed with extraordinary admiration -and delight those charming faces softened in pity, the graceful bearing, -the admirably constructed yet simple coiffures, the elegance of dress, -which she compared with the best that the windows in Sixth Avenue could -show. She was amazed to find such gowns actually being worn instead of -remaining as an unattainable ideal on smiling lay figures in the shop -windows. - -Occupants of the prisoners' bench are not supposed to stare at the -spectators. She had to steal a glance now and then. Her visits to the -Night Court had become so much a matter of routine that she would -venture a peep over the railing while the case immediately preceding her -own was being tried. Once or twice she was surprised by the clerk who -called her name. She stood up mechanically and faced the magistrate as -Officer Smith, in civilian clothes, mounted the witness stand. - -She had no grudge against Officer Smith. She did not visualise him -either as a person or as a part of a system. He was merely an incident -of her trade. She had neither the training nor the imagination to look -behind Officer Smith and see a communal policy which has not the power -to suppress, nor the courage to acknowledge, nor the skill to regulate, -and so contents itself with sending out full-fed policemen in civilian -clothes to work up the evidence that defends society against her kind -through the imposition of a ten-dollar fine. - -To some of the women on the visitors' benches the cruelty of the process -came home: this business of setting a two-hundred-pound policeman in -citizens' clothes, backed up by magistrates, clerks, court criers, -interpreters, and court attendants, to worrying a ten-dollar fine out of -a half-grown woman under an enormous imitation ostrich plume. The -professional sociologists were chiefly interested in the money cost of -this process to the taxpayer, and they took notes on the proportion of -first offenders. Yet the Night Court is a remarkable advance in -civilisation. Formerly, in addition to her fine, the prisoner would pay -a commission to the professional purveyor of bail. - -Sometimes, if the magistrate was young or new to the business, she would -be given a chance against Officer Smith. She would be called to the -witness chair and under oath be allowed to elaborate on the obvious -lies which constituted her usual defence. This would give her the -opportunity, between the magistrate's questions, of sweeping the -court-room with a full, hungry look for as much as half a minute at a -time. She saw the women in the audience only, and their clothes. The -pity in their eyes did not move her, because she was not in the least -interested in what they thought, but in how they looked and what they -wore. They were part of a world which she would read about--she read -very little--in the society columns of the Sunday newspaper. They were -the women around whom headlines were written and whose pictures were -printed frequently on the first page. - -She could study them with comparative leisure in the Night Court. -Outside in the course of her daily routine she might catch an occasional -glimpse of these same women, through the windows of a passing taxi, or -in the matinée crowds, or going in and out of the fashionable shops. But -her work took her seldom into the region of taxicabs and fashionable -shops. The nature of her occupation kept her to furtive corners and the -dark side of streets. Nor was she at such times in the mood for just -appreciation of the beautiful things in life. More than any other walk -of life, hers was of an exacting nature, calling for intense powers of -concentration both as regards the public and the police. It was -different in the Night Court. Here, having nothing to fear and nothing -out of the usual to hope for, she might give herself up to the æsthetic -contemplation of a beautiful world of which, at any other time, she -could catch mere fugitive aspects. - -Sometimes I wonder why people think that life is only what they see and -hear, and not what they read of. Take the Night Court. The visitor -really sees nothing and hears nothing that he has not read a thousand -times in his newspaper and had it described in greater detail and with -better-trained powers of observation than he can bring to bear in -person. What new phase of life is revealed by seeing in the body, say, a -dozen practitioners of a trade of whom we know there are several tens of -thousands in New York? They have been described by the human-interest -reporters, analysed by the statisticians, defended by the social -revolutionaries, and explained away by the optimists. For that matter, -to the faithful reader of the newspapers, daily and Sunday, what can -there be new in this world from the Pyramids by moonlight to the habits -of the night prowler? Can the upper classes really acquire for -themselves, through slumming parties and visits to the Night Court, -anything like the knowledge that books and newspapers can furnish them? -Can the lower classes ever hope to obtain that complete view of the -Fifth Avenue set which the Sunday columns offer them? And yet there the -case stands: only by seeing and hearing for ourselves, however -imperfectly, do we get the sense of reality. - -That is why our criminal courts are probably our most influential -schools of democracy. More than our settlement houses, more than our -subsidised dancing-schools for shop-girls, they encourage the -get-together process through which one-half the world learns how the -other half lives. On either side of the railing of the prisoners' cage -is an audience and a stage. - -That is why she would look forward to her regular visits at the Night -Court. She saw life there. - - - - -V - -HAROLD'S SOUL, I - - -I agree with the publishers of Miss Amarylis Pater's book, "The New -Motherhood," that the subject is one which cannot possibly be ignored. I -have not only read the book, but I have discussed it with Mrs. Hogan, -and with my eldest son Harold, who will be seven next June. As a result -I am confronted with certain remarkable differences of opinion. - -Twenty years ago, as I plainly recall, the Sacred Function of Motherhood -was not a topic of popular interest. There were a great many mothers -then, of course, and there were unquestionably many more children than -there are to-day. People, as a rule, spoke of their mothers with -fondness, and sometimes even with reverence. The habit had been forming -for several thousand years, in the course of which poets and painters -never grew tired of describing mothers who were engaged in such highly -useful occupations as bending over cradles, watching by sick-beds, -baking, mending, teaching, laughing in play-rooms, weeping at the Cross, -manipulating with equal dexterity the precious vials of love and -sacrifice and the carpet slipper of justice. But though people had thus -got into the way of accepting their mothers as an essential part in the -scheme of things, they rarely thought it necessary to write to the -editor about the Sacred Function of Motherhood. I mean in the -impersonal, scientific sense in which Amarylis Pater uses the phrase. - -Life in general was a pitifully unorganised, rule-of-thumb affair in -those days. People fell in love because every one was doing it and -without any expressed intention to advance the purposes of Evolution. -They did not marry because they were anxious to render social service; -but waited only till they had saved up enough to furnish a home. They -bore children without regard to the future of the race. When the child -came it was not a sociological event. The family did not consider the -occurrence sacred, as Miss Vivian Holborn insists on calling it in her -frequent communications to the press. The family contented itself with -wishing the mother well and hoping the baby would not look too much like -its father. - -Here I thought it would be well to confirm my own impressions by the -testimony of a competent witness. So I turned and called through the -open door into the dining-room. - -"Mrs. Hogan," I said, "what do you think of the Sacred Function of -Motherhood?" - -"What do I think of what?" said Mrs. Hogan. - -"Of the Sacred Function of Motherhood," I repeated, rather timidly. - -She looked at me with a distrustful eye, her broom suspended in midair. - -Mrs. Hogan comes in once a week to help out. Distrust is her chronic -attitude toward me. She has all of the busy woman's aversion for a man -about the house while domestic operations are under way. But besides, -she cannot quite understand why a full-grown and able-bodied man should -be lolling at his desk, pen in hand, when he ought to be downtown -working for his family. She is aware, of course, that all the members of -my family are well-nourished, decently dressed, and apparently quite -happy. But that only renders the source of my income all the more -dubious. When any one asks Mrs. Hogan how many children she has, she -stares for some time at the ceiling before replying. From which I gather -that there must be several. - -"I refer to the business of being a mother, Mrs. Hogan. Have you never -felt what a sacred thing that is?" - -"An' what would there be sacred about the same?" she asked, seeing that -I was quite serious. "Bearin' a child every other year, an' nursin' -them, an' bringin' them through sickness, an' stayin' up nights to sew -an' wash an' darn, an' drivin' them out to school, an' goin' out by the -day's wurrk, where's the time for anythin' sacred to come into the life -of a woman?" - -"Just the same it does," I said. "Motherhood, Mrs. Hogan, is so holy a -thing nowadays that a great many women are afraid to touch it, -preferring to write in the magazines about it. Are you aware that when -you married Mr. Hogan you were performing an act of social service?" - -"I was not that," said Mrs. Hogan, "I was doin' a service to Jim, -besides plazin' myself. 'Twas himself needed some one to take care of -him." - -"But that would mean," I said, "that you were false to your own highest -self. If you had read Miss Pater's book you would know that any marriage -entered into without the sense of social service merely means that a -woman is selling herself to a man for life for the mere price of -maintenance." - -"When I married Jim," said Mrs. Hogan, "he was after being out of a job -for six months." - -She went back to her work more than ever puzzled why my wife and the -children should look so well taken care of. - -In those days--I mean about the time Mrs. Hogan was married to Jim, and -I was at college constructing my world of ideas out of the now forgotten -books which Mr. Gaynor was always quoting--I recall distinctly that the -sacred things were also the secret things. What burned hot in the heart -was allowed to rest deep in the heart. Partly this was because of a -common habit of reticence which we have so fortunately outgrown. But -another reason must have been that life then, as I have said, was -imperfectly organised. To-day we have applied the principle of the -division of labour so that we no longer expect the same person to do the -work of the world and to feel its sacred significance. Thus, to-day -there are women who are mothers and other women who proclaim the sacred -function of motherhood. To-day there are women who bring up their -children, and other women who, at the slightest provocation, thrill to -the clear, immortal soul that looks out of the innocent eyes of -childhood. - -At this moment the clear, immortal soul of my boy, Harold, finds -utterance in a succession of blood-curdling howls. He is playing Indians -again. The wailing accompaniment in high falsetto emanates from the -immortal soul of the baby. Those two immortalities are at it again. - -I call out, "Harold!" - -There is a silence. - -"Harold!" - -With extreme deliberation he appears in the doorway. I recognise him -largely by intuition, so utterly smeared up is he from crawling in -single file the entire length of the hall on his stomach. Beneath that -thick deposit of rich alluvial soil I assume that my son exists. I ask -him what he has been doing with the baby. - -He had been doing nothing at all. He had merely tied her by one leg to a -chair and pretended to scalp her with a pair of ninepins. He had -performed a war dance around her and every time his ritual progress -brought him face to face with the baby he made believe to brain her, but -he only meant to see how near he could come without actually touching -her, and he would strike the chair instead. He didn't know why the baby -shrieked. - -"Harold," I said, "do you feel the sacred innocence of childhood -brooding in you?" - -He was alarmed, but bravely attempted a smile. - -"Ah, father!" he said. - -I looked at him severely. - -"Do you know what I ought to do to you in the name of the New -Parenthood?" - -"Ah, father!" and his lip trembled. - -"You are a disgrace to the eternal spark in you," I said. - -He lowered his head and began to cry. It required an effort to be stern, -but I persisted. - -"Harold," I said, "you will go into your room and stand in the corner -for ten minutes. Close the door behind you. I will tell you when time is -up." - -He dragged himself away heartbroken and I found it was useless trying to -write any more. I had made two people utterly miserable. I threw down my -pen and rose to take a book from the shelf, but stopped in the act. Out -of Harold's room came music. I stole to the door and looked in. He had -not disobeyed orders. He had merely dressed himself in one of the -nurse's aprons and the baby's cap, and standing erect in his corner, he -sang "Dixie," with all the fervour of his fresh young voice. - -About his appearance there was nothing sacred. - - - - -VI - -EDUCATIONAL - - -Half-minute lessons for up-to-the-minute thinkers: - - -I. WORD STUDY - -CHILD, _noun_; a student of sex hygiene; a member of boy scout -organisations and girls' camp-fire organisations for the practice of the -kind of self-control that parents fail to exercise; a member of school -republics for the study of politics while father reads the sporting -page; a ward of the State; a student of the phenomena of alcoholism; a -handicap carefully avoided by specialists in child-study; one-third of a -French family; the holder of an inalienable title to happiness which the -Government must supply; in general, a human being under thirteen years -of age who must be taught everything so that he will be surprised at -nothing when he is thirty years of age. The ignorant and innocent -offspring of a human couple, obs. Synonyms: man-child; girl-child; -love-child. - -MOTHERHOOD, _noun_; a profession once highly esteemed, but rejected by -modern spirits as too frequently automatic. - -MOTHER, _noun_; a female progenitor; a term often employed by the older -poets in connection with the ideas of love, sacrifice, and holiness, but -now delicately described by writers of the _Harper's Weekly_ temperament -as being synonymous with cow. - -EUGENICS, _noun_; a condition of intense excitement over the future of -the human race among those who are doing nothing to perpetuate it. - -LITERATURE, _noun_; see SEX; WHITE SLAVE. - -DRAMA, _noun_; see SEX; WHITE SLAVE. - -PUNCH, _noun_; see DRAMA; LITERATURE; MAGAZINE ADVERTISING. - -ADENOIDS, _noun_; something that is cut out of children. - -SOCIAL-MINDEDNESS, _noun_; something that is injected into children. - - -II. GEOGRAPHY - -ARGENTINA; where the tango comes from. - -RUSSIA; where Anna Pavlova and ritual murder trials come from. - -PERSIA; where the harem skirt comes from, and other fashions eagerly -embraced by a generation which insists that woman shall no longer be -man's chattel and plaything. - -AMERICA; where the profits of all-night restaurants in Montmartre come -from. - -ASSYRIA, BABYLONIA, EGYPT, PERU, YUCATAN, PATAGONIA; where the -decorations for Broadway lobster-palaces come from. - -EQUATOR; the earth's waistline, unfashionably located in the same place -year after year. - -TENDERLOIN; where the world's wisdom comes from. - -CAMBRIDGE, NEW HAVEN, PRINCETON, MORNINGSIDE HEIGHTS; the sites of once -celebrated educational institutions whose functions have now been taken -over by theatre managers on Broadway. - -UNDERWORLD; the world now uppermost. - -MOUNTAIN; a rugged elevation of the earth's surface which comes to every -self-constituted little prophet when he snaps his fingers. - -SEA; where we are all at. - -MEXICO CITY; residence of Huerta, the most eminent living disciple of -Nietzsche. - -BULGARIA; a nation which scornfully rejected peace and reaped honour, -widows, and orphans; where the Servians were the other day. - -SERVIA; where the Bulgarians may be next week. - -CHAUTAUQUA; any place outside the offices of the State Department. - - -III. ARITHMETIC - -1. A ship carrying 800 passengers and crew is in collision off the banks -of Newfoundland, and 700 are saved. Describe the method by which the -_Evening Journal_ computes 400 souls lost. - -2. The salary of a police lieutenant is about $2,500 a year. At what -rate of interest must this sum be invested to produce a million dollars' -worth of real estate in ten years? - -3. 2+2=4. Show this to be true otherwise than by writing a four-act play -with its principal scene laid in a house of ill fame. - -4. The loss to the nation from disease has been estimated at -$200,000,000 a year. Show the profit that would accrue to the nation -from abolishing every form of disease after deducting the cost of -maintaining the dependent widows and orphans of 50,000 doctors who have -starved to death. - -5. In a certain gubernatorial campaign several disinterested gentlemen -contributed $10,000 each to the campaign fund; yet the total of campaign -contributions was a little over $5,000. Explain this. - -6. If you were called upon to build a bridge to the moon, which would -you rather use, the total number of postage stamps on rejected magazine -contributions laid end to end, or the total number of automobiles -shipped from Detroit placed end to end? - -7. In a recent article on mortality statistics in the _World_, the -writer omitted to divide his average death rate by 2. Was his argument, -because of that, two times as convincing or only half as convincing? - -8. Describe the modifications in the laws of arithmetic introduced by -Mr. Thomas W. Lawson. - - -IV. HISTORY - -The supporters of Mr. Theodore Roosevelt have frequently remarked that -if Abraham Lincoln were alive to-day, he would be with them. Uncle Joe -Cannon has expressed the conviction that Abraham Lincoln if he were -alive to-day would be on his side. Is there anything in history to -indicate that Abraham Lincoln, great man though he was, could be in two -places at the same time? - -Mention three Republican administrations in which the rainfall was twice -as heavy as in any Democratic administration since 1837, and show what -this indicates for the prosperity of the country under Mr. Woodrow -Wilson. - -Julius Cæsar is said to have been in the habit of dictating to three -secretaries simultaneously. How does this compare with the literary -productivity of Mr. Arnold Bennett and Mr. Jack London? - -At the last meeting of the Tammany aldermanic convention of the Fifth -Assembly District a speaker declared it to be the most momentous event -in the history of the world. Compare the Fifth Assembly District -convention with (a) the battle of Marathon; (b) the meeting of the -States-General at Versailles in 1789; (c) the signing of the -Emancipation Proclamation. - - -V. LOGIC - -Prove that the department store is the principal cause of prostitution -by showing that the department store is fifty-six years old and the -social evil is forty thousand years old. - -The mortality rate in municipal foundling asylums is 99-1/2 per cent. -Develop this into an argument for the maintenance of all children by the -State. - -Compare the arguments advanced in at least four (4) New York newspapers -to show that the Giants would win with the reasons given in the same -newspapers why the Athletics won. - -Compare Richard Pearson Hobson's last speech on the Japanese peril with -Demosthenes's Oration on the Crown. - - -VI. SCIENCE - -The classification of the sciences has always presented peculiar -difficulties, but a partial list would include the following: - - Tonsorial Science, Sunday Supplement Science, - Science of Bricklaying Domestic Science, - Science of Cosmic Love Bohemian Science, - Science of Advertising Science of Sir Oliver Lodge, - Scranton, Pa., Science Science of Packy McFarland, - Science of Puts and Calls Science of Sexology, - Anti-vivisectionist Science, Science. - - - - -VII - -MORGAN - - -We were speaking of the man whose career was written in terms of huge -corporations and incomparable art collections. - -"What a life it was!" said Cooper. "From his office-desk he controlled -the destinies of one hundred million people. His leisure hours were -spent amidst the garnered beauty of five thousand years. Isn't it almost -an intolerable thought that the same man should have been master of the -Stock Exchange and owner of that marvellous museum in white marble on -Thirty-sixth Street?" - -"Cooper," I said, "you sound like the I. W. W." - -"I am that," he retorted. "I express the Inexhaustible Wonder of the -World in the face of this thing we call America. A nation devoted to the -principle that all men are born equal has produced the perfect type of -financial absolutism. A people given up to material aims has cornered -the art treasures of the ages. Need I say more?" - -"You needn't," I said. "You have already touched the high-water mark in -lyricism." - -But Harding waved me aside. - -"I have also been thinking of that marble palace on Thirty-sixth -Street," he said. "I can't help picturing the scene there on that -critical night in the fall of 1907 when Wall Street was rocking to its -foundations, and a haggard group of millionaires were seeking a way to -stave off ruin. I imagine the glorious Old Masters looking down from -their frames on that unhappy assembly of New Masters--the masters of our -wealth, our credit, our entire industrial civilisation. I imagine -Lorenzo the Magnificent leaning out from the canvas and calling the -attention of his neighbour, Grolier, to that white-faced company of -great American collectors. The perspiring gentleman at the head of the -table had one of the choicest collections of trust companies in -existence. The man at his elbow was the owner of an unrivalled -collection of copper mines and smelters. Facing him was an amateur who -had gone in for insurance companies. Others there had collected -railroads, or national banks, or holding companies. No wonder old -Lorenzo was moved at the prospect of so many matchless accumulations, -representing the devoted labour of years, going under the hammer. Around -the walls the wonderful First Editions stood at attention and some one -was saying, 'Naturally, on the security of your first mortgage bonds--'" - -"Putting poetry aside," I said somewhat impatiently, "what I should like -to know is whether this garnered beauty of five thousand years, as -Cooper calls it, really has any meaning to its owners. I understand that -most of our great collections are bought in wholesale lots, Shakespeare -folios by the yard, Chinese porcelains by the roomful. Does a man -really take joy in his art treasures in such circumstances?" - -"Of course he does," said Cooper. "If we buy masterpieces in the bulk, -that again is the American of it. I am certain that this man's -extraordinary business success is to be explained by the mental stimulus -he derived from his books and his pictures. His business competitors -really had no chance. Their idea of recreation was yachts or cards or -roof-gardens. But he found rest in the presence of the loveliest dreams -of dead painters and poets. Can't you see how a man's imagination in -such surroundings would naturally expand and embrace the world? No -wonder he thought in billions of dollars. Why, I myself, if I could -spend half an hour before a Raphael whose radiant beauty brings the -tears to your eyes, could go out and float a $100,000,000 corporation." - -"Having first dried your tears, of course," I suggested. - -"Well, yes," he said. - -Harding had been showing signs of impatience, a common trait with him -when other people are speaking. - -"When a rich man dies," he said, "the first thing people ask is what -will the stock market do. They were putting that question last week. -Your Wall Street broker is a sensitive being. Nothing can happen at the -other end of the world but he must rush out and sell or buy something. -Returning, he says to the junior partner, 'I see there has been a big -battle at Scutari. Where's Scutari and what are they fighting about?' -'Search me,' says the junior partner, 'but I think you did right in -buying.' 'I sold,' says the broker. 'Who won the battle?' says the -junior partner. 'I don't recall,' says the broker. But he is convinced -that no big battle should be allowed to pass without being reflected in -Wall Street. - -"But that is not what I wanted to say. Suppose the market does go up two -points or loses two points. What is the effect on the Stock Exchange -compared with the crisis that ensues in the art world when a rich -American dies? There's where things begin to look panicky. The -quotations on Rembrandts and Van Dycks are cut in two. There is -consternation in London auction rooms and Venetian palaces. In some -half-ruined little Italian town the parish council has almost made up -its mind to ship to New York the thirteenth-century altar piece which is -the glory of the cathedral. The news comes that Croesus is dead and -the parish authorities see their dreams of new schools and a new chapel -and a modern water supply vanish. That is the crisis worth considering." - -"Not to speak," I said, "of that little shop on Fourth Avenue where they -paint Botticellis." - -"I admit that Harding has made a very interesting suggestion, though -probably without any deliberate intention on his part," said Cooper. -"This steady drain by Wall Street upon Europe's art treasures is a -civilising process which scarcely receives the attention it deserves, -except when some Paris editor loses his temper and calls us barbarians -and despoilers. I am not sure who is the barbarian, the American trust -magnate who thinks a million francs is not too much for one of Raphael's -Madonnas, or the scion of Europe's ancient nobility who thinks that no -Madonna is worth keeping if you can get a million francs for it. -According to the European idea, the proper place for a masterpiece is a -corner of the lounging-room where the weary guest, after a hard day with -the hounds, may be tempted to stare at the canvas for a moment and say, -'Nice little daub, what?' Their masterpieces are made to be seldom seen -and never heard of. - -"Now see what we do with the same picture over here. Before it is -brought into the country all the papers have cable despatches about it, -and they have impressed its value on the public mind by multiplying the -real price by five. Then we advertise it by raising the question whether -it is genuine or a fake. Then we put it into a museum and countless -thousands besiege the doorkeeper and ask which is the way to the -million-dollar picture. Then the Sunday papers print a reproduction in -colours suitable for framing, but it isn't framed very often because the -baby destroys it while papa is busy with the comic supplement. Then the -New York correspondents of the Chicago papers write columns about the -picture. Then it is taken up by women's clubs, the reading circles, and -the Chautauqua. Before the process is completed that picture has entered -into the daily thought and speech of the American people." - -Harding interrupted. - -"The members of the European nobility have seldom been interested in -art. They have been too busy wearing military uniforms or pursuing the -elusive fox all over the landscape." - -"But that is just the point I was making," said Cooper indignantly. - -"Yes, but not so clearly as I have formulated it," said Harding. "The -fact is that art has always flourished under the patronage of the -merchant class. The Athenians were a trading people. Lorenzo the -Magnificent came from a family of pawn-brokers. Rembrandt sold his -pictures to the sturdy, and quite homely, tea and coffee merchants of -Holland. It is preposterous to suppose that because a man is lucky in -the stock market he is incapable of appreciating the very best things in -art. He is not incapable; only he keeps his interests separate. From ten -o'clock to three our patron of the arts is busy downtown attending to -the unfortunate financiers whom he has caught on the wrong side of the -market. If Cooper here were a Cubist painter, and you gave him the run -of a great art collector's front office on settlement day, he could -produce any number of pictures entitled Nude Speculator Descending a -Wall Street Staircase." - -"The European aristocracy doesn't always despise us," I said. -"Occasionally an American will be decorated by the Grand Duke of -Sonderklasse-Ganzgut with the cross of the Bald Eagle of the Third -Class, the person thus honoured being worth nine hundred million -dollars and the area of the Prince's dominions being eighty-nine square -miles." - - - - -VIII - -THE MODERN INQUISITION - - -QUESTIONNAIRE: _A favourite indoor amusement in uplift circles._ - -His eyes were bloodshot and he stared forward into vacancy. - -"We were married," he said, "shortly after I was graduated from law -school. For just five years we were happy. We were in love. I was making -good in my profession. Helen took delight in her household duties and -her baby. Then one day--the exact date is still engraved in letters of -fire on my memory--I received a letter. It was from the Society for the -Propagation of Ethical Statistics. It said that a study was being made -of the churchgoing habits of college graduates, and there was a printed -list of questions which I was requested to answer. I cannot recall the -entire list, but these were some of the items: - -"Do you go to church willingly or to please your wife? - -"Do you stay all through the sermon? - -"What is the average amount you deposit in the contribution plate (a) in -summer; (b) in winter? - -"Is your choice of a particular church determined by (a) creed; (b) the -quality of the preaching; (c) ventilation? - -"Are you ever overtaken by sleep during the sermon, and if so, at what -point in the sermon do you most readily yield to the influence? (Note: -In answering this question a state of recurrent drowsiness is to be -considered as sleep.) - -"Do you go to sleep most easily under (a) an Episcopalian; (b) -Presbyterian; (c) Methodist; (d) Rabbi; (e) Ethical Culturist? (Note: -Strike out all but one of the above names.) - -"Is your awakening attended by a sensation of remorse or merely one of -profound astonishment? - -"What do you consider to be the ideal length for a sermon, leaving -climatic conditions out of account? - -"I tossed the letter across the breakfast table to Helen and intimated -that I couldn't spare the time for an answer. But Helen insisted it was -my duty as a college graduate. If the science of sociology couldn't look -to us men of culture for its data, whom could it go to? So I telephoned -down to the office that I would be late and sat down to draft my reply. -It was much more difficult than I imagined. I was amazed to find how -little I knew of my own habits and processes of thoughts. It took the -greater part of the morning, and when I finally did get down to the -office I learned that my most important client, an aged gentleman of -uncertain temper, had gone off in a rage saying he would never come -back. He kept his word. - -"That letter was the beginning. I had no leisure to worry over this loss -of a very considerable part of my income, because the next morning's -mail brought a letter from the Association for the Encouragement of the -City Beautiful. It contained a very long questionnaire which I was -requested to fill out and forward by return mail. I was asked to state -whether the character of the telegraph poles in our neighbourhood was -such as to reflect credit on the civic spirit of the community, in -respect to material (a) wood, (b) ornamental iron; and secondly, as to -paint, (a) yellow, (b) red, (c) green, (d) no paint at all. I was also -to say whether conditions in our neighbours' back yards were conducive -to the propagation of the typhoid-bearing or common house-fly and to -give my estimate of the number of flies so propagated in the course of a -week, in hundreds of thousands. Finally, was the presence of the -house-fly in our community due to the negligence of individual citizens, -or was it the direct result of inefficient municipal government? And if -the latter, was our municipal administration Republican or Democratic, -and what were the popular majorities for mayor since the -Spanish-American war? - -"With Helen's assistance I managed to send off my reply within two -days. But when I came down to my place of business I found that I had -missed an important long-distance call from Chicago which the office-boy -had promised to transmit to me, but failed to do so because he did not -understand it in the first place." - -He sighed and stared at the floor. His emaciated fingers beat a rapid -tattoo on my desk. He droned on in dull, impersonal tones, as if this -story of the wreck of a man's happiness had no special concern for him. - -"Well," he said, "you can foresee the end for yourself. Within less than -two months my law business disappeared, because I simply could not -devote the necessary time to it. I resorted to desperate measures. I -wrote to our alumni secretary, asking him to remove my name from the -college catalogue; but it was too late. My name was by this time the -common property of all the sociological laboratories and research -stations in the country. At home, want began to stare us in the face. -Worry over my financial condition, added to the long hours of labour -involved in filling out questionnaires, undermined my health. I grew -morose, ill-tempered, curt in my behaviour to Helen and the child. We -still loved each other, but the glow and tenderness of our former -relations had disappeared. - -"Fortunately Helen did not feel my neglect as she might. For by this -time she, too, was getting letters from sociological experiment -stations. Helen was graduated from a New England college. Her letters, -at first, dealt with problems of domestic economy. She had to write out -model dietaries, statements of weekly expenses, the relative merits of -white and coloured help. Later she was led into the field of child -psychology. Our little Laura was hardly able to go out into the open -air, because her mother had to keep her under observation during so many -hours of the day. The child grew pale and nervous. Helen grew thin. In -her case, poor girl, it was actual lack of food. There was no money in -the house. One night as we sat down at table there was just a glass of -milk and a slice of bread and butter at Laura's plate; for us there was -nothing. At first I failed to understand. Then I looked at Helen and she -was trying to smile through her tears." - -He sobbed and I turned and stared out of the window. - -"That night," he said, "I went out and pawned my watch; my -great-grandfather had worn it. People rally quickly under trouble, and -the next morning we were fairly cheerful. I set to work on a list of -questions from the Bureau of Comparative Eugenics. Helen was busy with a -questionnaire on Reaction Time in Children Under Six, from the -Psychological Department at Harvard. I was resigned. I looked up and saw -Laura playing with her alphabet blocks. I thought: Well, our lives may -be spoiled, but there is the child. Life had cast no shadow on the -current of her young days. At that moment the hall-boy brought in a -letter. It was addressed to Miss Laura Smith--our baby. It was from the -Wisconsin Laboratory of Juvenile Æsthetics. It contained a list of -questions for the child to answer. How many hours a day did she play? -Did she prefer to play in the house or on the street? Did she look into -shop windows when she was out walking or at moving-picture posters? Was -she afraid of dogs? I was crushed. There was a mist before my eyes. I -fell forward on the table and wept." - -His lip trembled, but the manhood was not gone from him. He faced me -with a show of firmness. - -"Mind you," he said, "I am not complaining. The individual must suffer -if the world is to move forward. We have suffered, but in a good cause." - -I agreed. I recalled the tabulated results of a particularly elaborate -questionnaire printed in the morning's news. Questions had been sent to -a thousand college graduates. Of that number it appeared that 480 lived -in the country, 230 preferred the drama to fiction, 198 were -vegetarians, and 576 voted for Mr. Wilson at the last Presidential -election. Those who voted the Democratic ticket were less proficient in -spelling than those who voted for Colonel Roosevelt. Could anything be -more useful? - - - - -IX - -THORNS IN THE CUSHION - - -I have a confession to make and I have my desk to clean out. One is as -hard to go at as the other. If people would only refrain from putting my -books and papers in order whenever I am away, I could always find things -where I leave them and the embarrassment I am about to relate would have -been spared me. After all, there is efficiency and efficiency. If the -book I need at any moment is always buried beneath a pile of foreign -newspapers, it is only interfering with my work to haul it out during my -absence and put it on the desk right in front of me, where I cannot see -it. - -It was at Harding's place that I met Dr. Gunther. Harding had insisted -that we two ought to know each other. After I had spent half an hour in -the Doctor's company I agreed that had been worth my while; the rest is -for him to say. Gunther is a physician of high standing, but his hobby -is astronomy, and it was quite evident that he is as big an expert in -that field as in his own profession. We spent a delightful evening. As -he rose to say good-night, Gunther turned to me and smiled in a timid -fashion that was altogether charming. - -"I must confess," he said with a sort of foreign dignity of speech, -"that my desire to make your acquaintance was not altogether -disinterested. I have here," pulling a large envelope out of his pocket, -"a few remarks which I have thrown together at odd moments, and which it -occurred to me might be of interest to your readers. It is on a subject -which I can honestly profess to know something about. Perhaps you might -pass it on to your editor after you have glanced through it and decided -that it had a chance. In case it is found unavailable for your purposes, -you must be under no compunction about sending it back. You see, I have -put the manuscript into a stamped and addressed envelope. I know how -busy you journalists are." - -I told him I would be delighted to do what I could. I brought the -manuscript to the office next morning, laid it on my desk, and forgot -about it. It was a Saturday. After I left the office, the janitor's -assistant, being new to the place, came in and cleaned up my room. When -I looked for the paper on Monday, I could not find it. At first I was -not alarmed, because I reasoned that in the course of two or three weeks -it would turn up. - -But this was evidently Dr. Gunther's first experience as a contributor -to the press. He was impatient. Within a week I had a letter from him, -dated Boston, where, as he explained, he had been called on a matter of -private business which would keep him for some time. Without at all -wishing to seem importunate, he asked whether my editor had arrived at -any decision with regard to his manuscript. It was a vexing situation. I -shrank from writing and confessing how clumsy I had been; and besides -the paper was likely to be found at any moment. I saw that I must fight -for time. - -What I am about to say will confirm many good people in their opinion of -the unscrupulous nature of the newspaper profession; but the truth must -be told. I determined to write to Dr. Gunther as if I had read his -article. The terrible difficulty was that I did not know what it was -about. I was fairly sure it had to do with one of two things, medicine -or astronomy. He had said, when he gave me the manuscript, that it was a -subject on which he could claim special knowledge. But which of the two -was it? For some time I hesitated, and then I wrote the following -letter: - -"Dear Dr. Gunther: Before giving your valuable paper a second and more -thorough reading, I must bring up a question which suggests itself even -after the most cursory examination. It is this: Will your article go -well with illustrations, and if so where are they to be had? You know -that ours is a picture supplement, appealing to a general audience, and -there is every chance for inserting illustrations into an article of -scientific nature abounding in such close-knit argument as you present. -Of course there is not the least reason for haste in the matter. A reply -from you within the next four weeks will be in time." - -Next morning I found a telegram from Boston on my desk. It said: -"Naturally no objection to pictures. Suggest you reproduce some of the -illustrations from Langley's masterly work on the subject. Gunther." - -My ruse had succeeded. I was prepared now to keep up a fairly active -correspondence until the missing paper was found. I knew of Samuel -Pierpont Langley, one of the greatest of American astronomers and a -pioneer of aviation. I turned to the encyclopædia to see which one of -Langley's books was likely to be the one Gunther had in mind. There, -before me, was a biographical sketch of John Newport Langley, an English -physiologist, who had published, among other things, a treatise "On the -Liver," and another "On the Salivary Glands." I recalled that at -Harding's house Gunther, after an elaborate discussion of the present -state of meteorology, had drifted into a spirited tirade against the -evils of ill-cooked and undigested food. It might very well be this -paper "On the Salivary Glands" that Gunther had in mind. - -I delayed writing as long as I could while the office was being -ransacked for the missing article. It was a hopeless search. The -manuscript had evidently been swept away into the all-devouring waste -basket, another victim to mistaken ideals of efficiency. A few days -later came a long and friendly letter from Gunther. Without wishing to -flatter me, he said that he was quite as much interested in my opinion -of his article as in getting it published. He hoped to hear from me at -my very earliest convenience. - -I waited nearly a week, and yielding to fate wrote as follows: - -"Dear Dr. Gunther: The article is altogether admirable. It seems to me -that there are just two subjects which never lose their appeal to the -average man. One is the food by which he lives. The other is the -universe in which he lives. They represent the opposite poles in his -nature, one being no less important than the other. Let the primitive -man but satisfy the cravings of his stomach, and his awed gaze will turn -to the illimitable glory of the stars. I think of Pasteur's epoch-making -researches into the processes of food-fermentation and then I think of -Galileo. If you ask me which is the greater man, I will say frankly I do -not know. Your article will duly appear in our magazine, though not for -some time. In the meanwhile, it may be that additions or changes will -suggest themselves to you. Very likely you have a carbon copy of your -manuscript at home. Make such alterations as you see fit and send the -new manuscript to us as soon as you are satisfied with it." - -The foregoing letter was addressed to Dr. Gunther in Boston. Two days -later he wrote from his home address in New York. He said: "I cannot -speak adequately of the consideration you have given to my poor literary -effort. Your letter offering me an opportunity to revise the manuscript -reached me just before I left for New York. At home I found the original -article awaiting me, in my own envelope. Evidently it had occurred to -you that I might not have a copy of the article at hand--which is indeed -the case--and so you hastened to send me the original." - -Of course the envelope containing the good Doctor's manuscript had not -fallen into the hands of the janitor at all. It had caught the quick eye -of our conscientious mail-boy, who saw his duty and promptly did it. It -only remains for me to persuade the managing editor to print the article -when it comes back. After what I have gone through, this should not be -difficult. Our readers, therefore, may look forward to a masterly -article on a subject of great interest. Whether it is an astronomical -article or a pure food article the reader will learn for himself. - - - - -X - -LOW-GRADE CITIZENS - - -Cooper was in a confidential mood. - -"Isn't it true," he said, "that once so often every one of us feels -impelled to go out and assassinate a college professor?" - -"Why shouldn't one?" said Harding. "No one would miss a professor -except, possibly, his wife and the children." - -"That's just it, his children," said Cooper. "That's what makes a man -hesitate. The particular college professor I have in mind recently -published an article on Social Decadence in the _North American Review_. -He deplored the tendency among our well-to-do classes toward small -families. At the same time he deplored the mistaken zeal of our -low-income classes in trying to more than make up for the negligence of -their betters. He said, 'The American population may, therefore, be -increasing most rapidly from that group least fitted by heredity or by -income to develop social worth in their offspring. Such a process of -"reversed selection" must mean, for the nation, a constant decrease in -the social worth of each succeeding generation.' He brought forward a -good many figures, but I have been so angry that I am quite unable to -recall what they are." - -"In that case," Harding said, "you should lose no time in seeking out -the man and slaying him before his side of the case comes back to you." - -"People," said Cooper, with that happy gift of his for dropping a -subject to suit his own convenience, "have fallen into the habit of -saying that the art of letter-writing is extinct. They say we don't -write the way Madame de Sévigné did or Charles Lamb. This is not true. - -"For instance, on April 26, 1913, Charles Crawl, a low-income American -residing in the soft-coal districts of western Pennsylvania, wrote a -letter which I have not been able to get out of my mind. With that -unhappy predilection for getting into tight places which is one of the -characteristics of our improvident, low-income classes, Charles Crawl -happened to be in one of the lower workings of the Cincinnati mine when -an explosion of gas--unavoidable, as in all mine disasters--killed -nearly a hundred operatives. Charles Crawl escaped injury, but after -creeping through the dark for two days he felt his strength going from -him, and so, with a piece of chalk, on his smudgy overalls, he wrote the -following letter: - -"'Good-bye, my children, God bless you.' - -"He had two children, which for a man of low social worth was doing -quite well. But on the other hand he was improvident enough to leave his -children without a mother. When I was at college, my instructor in -rhetoric was always saying that my failure to write well was due to the -fact that I had nothing to say; and he used to quote passages from -Isaiah to show how the thing should be done. I think my rhetoric teacher -would have approved of Charles Crawl's epistolary style. I think Isaiah -would have." - -"But we can't all of us work in the mines," I said. - -"Therefore it is not to you that America is looking for the development -of an epistolary art," said Cooper; "an art in which we are bound to -take first place long before our coal deposits are exhausted. Charles -Crawl had his predecessors. In November, 1909, Samuel Howard was -thoughtless enough to let himself be killed, with several hundred -others, in the St. Paul's mine at Cherry, Illinois. He, too, left a -letter behind him. He wrote: - - "If I am dead, give my diamond ring to Mamie Robinson. The ring is - at the post-office. I had it sent there. The only thing I regret - is my brother that could help mother out after I am dead and gone. - I tried my best to get out and could not. - -"You see, being a low-income man, of small social worth and pitifully -inefficient, even when he did his best to get out, he could not. But -perhaps the subject tires you?" - -"You might as well go on," said Harding. "If you finish with this -subject you will have some other grievance." - -"I have only two more examples of the vulgar epistolary style to cite," -said Cooper. "Strictly speaking one of them is not a letter. But it is -to the point. On the night of April 14, 1912, an Irishman named Dillon -of low social value, in fact a stoker, happened to be swimming in the -North Atlantic. The _Titanic_ had just sunk from beneath his feet. But -perhaps I had better quote the testimony before the Mersey Commission, -which, being an official communication, is necessarily unanswerable, as -the late Sir W. S. Gilbert pointed out: - - "Then he [Dillon] swam away from the noise and came across Johnny - Bannon on a grating-- - -"From the fact that Johnny Bannon had managed to possess himself of a -grating we are justified in concluding that he was a man of somewhat -higher social worth than the witness, Dillon. However, - - "--came across Johnny Bannon on a grating. He said, "Cheero, - Johnny," and Bannon answered, "I am all right, Paddy." There was - not room on the grating for two, and Dillon, saying, "Well, so - long, Johnny," swam off-- - -In thus leaving Johnny Bannon in undisputed possession of the grating -you see that Dillon once more wrote himself down as a low-grade man -unfit for competitive survival. However, - - --"Well, so long, Johnny," swam off in the direction of a star - where Johnny Bannon had seen a flashlight. - -And as it turned out, it was, indeed, a flashlight, and Dillon was -pulled out of the water to go on stoking and accelerating the process of -national decadence. - -"My last letter," continued Cooper, "was written in October, 1912, in -the Tombs. The author was one Frank Cirofici, known to the patrons of -educational moving-picture shows all over the country as Dago Frank. It -was addressed to one Big Jack Zelig, a distinguished ornament of our -Great White Way, cut down before his time by a bullet from behind. -Cirofici wrote: - - "I know the night I heard Jip and Lefty were arrested I cried like - a little baby.--Dear pal, I have more faith in you than in any - living being in this country. I tell you the truth right from my - heart. I don't know you long, Jack, and I think if it wasn't for - you, I don't know what would happen to me. Being I am a Dago, of - course, you don't know what I know." - -"Please," said Harding, "please don't knock a hole into your own -argument by asking us to shed tears over the undefiled wells of purity -that lie deep in the soul of the Bowery gunman. You won't contend that -Dago Frank, when he leaves us, will be a loss to the nation." - -"It would be an act of delusion on my part," said Cooper, "to expect you -to see what I am driving at without going to the trouble of spelling it -out for you, Harding, even if you do belong to the classes of superior -social worth. What I want to express is the justifiable wrath which -possesses me at this silly habit of taking a pile of figures and adding -them up and dividing by three and deducing therefrom scarlet visions of -Decadence and the fall of Rome and Trafalgar, and all that rot. What if -empires, and republics, and incomes, and the size of families do rise -and fall? Does the soul of man decay? Do the primitive loyalties decay? -As long as we have men like Charles Crawl and Samuel Howard, do you -think I care whether or not Harvard graduates neglect to reproduce their -kind? The soul of man, as embodied in Dillon with his 'So long, Johnny,' -is as sound to-day as it was ten thousand years ago, before the human -race entered on its decline by putting on clothes. And Cirofici, pouring -his soul out to his 'pal,' crying like a child over those poor lambs, -Lefty Lewis and Gyp the Blood--" - -"If that's what you mean," said Harding with suspicious humility, "I -quite agree with you. You know, I have often--" - -"Once you agree with me," said Cooper, "I don't see why it is necessary -for you to continue." - - - - -XI - -ROMANCE - - -At 5:15 in the afternoon of an exceptionally sultry day in August, John -P. Wesley, forty-seven years old, in business at No. 634 East -Twenty-sixth Street as a jobber in tools and hardware, was descending -the stairs to the downtown platform of the Subway at Twenty-eighth -Street, when it occurred to him suddenly how odd it was that he should -be going home. His grip tightened on the hand rail and he stopped short -in his tracks, his eyes fixed on the ground in pained perplexity. The -crowd behind him, thrown back upon itself by this abrupt action, halted -only for a moment and flowed on. Cheerful office-boys looked back at him -and asked what was the answer. Stout citizens elbowed him aside without -apology. But Wesley did not mind. He was asking himself why it was that -the end of the day's work should invariably find him descending the -stairs to the downtown platform of the Subway. Was there any reason for -doing that, other than habit? He wondered why it would not be just as -reasonable to cross the avenue and take an uptown train instead. - -Wesley had been taking the downtown train at Twenty-eighth Street at -5:15 in the afternoon ever since there was a Subway. At Brooklyn Bridge -he changed to an express and went to the end of the line. At the end of -the line there was a boat which took him across the harbour. At the end -of the boat ride there was a trolley car which wound its way up the hill -and through streets lined with yellow-bricked, easy-payment, two-family -houses, out into the open country, where it dropped him at a cross road. -At the end of a ten minutes' walk there was a new house of stucco and -timber, standing away from the road, its angular lines revealing mingled -aspirations toward the Californian bungalow and the English Tudor. In -the house lived a tall, slender, grey-haired woman who was Wesley's -wife, and two young girls who were his daughters. They always came to -the door when his footsteps grated on the garden path, and kissed him -welcome. After dinner he went out and watered the lawn, which, after his -wife and the girls, he loved most. He plied the hose deliberately, his -eye alert for bald patches. Of late the lawn had not been coming on -well, because of a scorching sun and the lack of rain. A quiet chat with -his wife on matters of domestic economy ushered in the end of a busy -day. At the end of the day there was another day just like it. - - * * * * * - -And now, motionless in the crowd, Wesley was asking whether right to the -end of life this succession of days would continue. Why always the -south-bound train? He was aware that there were good reasons why. One -was the tall grey-haired woman and the two young girls at home who were -in the habit of waiting for the sound of his footsteps on the garden -path. They were his life. But apparently, too, there must be life along -the uptown route of the Interborough. He wanted to run amuck, to board a -north-bound train without any destination in mind, and to keep on as far -as his heart desired, to the very end perhaps, to Van Cortlandt Park, -where they played polo, or the Bronx, where there was a botanical museum -and a zoo. Even if he went only as far as Grand Central Station, it -would be an act of magnificent daring. - -Wesley climbed to the street, crossed Fourth Avenue, descended to the -uptown platform, and entered a train without stopping to see whether it -was Broadway or Lenox Avenue. Already he was thinking of the three women -at home in a remote, objective mood. They would be waiting for him, no -doubt, and he was sorry, but what else could he do? He was not his own -master. Under the circumstances it was a comfort to know that all three -of them were women of poise, not given to making the worst of things, -and with enough work on their hands to keep them from worrying -overmuch. - -Having broken the great habit of his life by taking an uptown train at -5:15, Wesley found it quite natural that his minor habits should fall -from him automatically. He did not relax into his seat and lose himself -in the evening paper after his usual fashion. He did not look at his -paper at all, but at the people about him. He had never seen such men -and women before, so fresh-tinted, so outstanding, so electric. He -seemed to have opened his eyes on a mass of vivid colours and sharp -contours. It was the same sensation he experienced when he used to break -his gold-rimmed spectacles, and after he had groped for a day in the -mists of myopia, a new, bright world would leap out at him through the -new lenses. - -Wesley did not make friends easily. In a crowd he was peculiarly shy. -Now he grew garrulous. At first his innate timidity rose up and choked -him, but he fought it down. He turned to his neighbour on the right, a -thick-set, clean-shaven youth who was painfully studying the comic -pictures in his evening newspaper, and remarked, in a style utterly -strange to him: - -"Looks very much like the Giants had the rag cinched?" - -The thick-set young man, whom Wesley imagined to be a butcher's -assistant or something of the sort, looked up from his paper and said, -"It certainly does seem as if the New York team had established its -title to the championship." - -Wesley cleared his throat again. - -"When it comes to slugging the ball you've got to hand it to them," he -said. - -"Assuredly," said the young man, folding up his paper with the evident -design of continuing the conversation. - -Wesley was pleased and frightened. He had tasted another new sensation. -He had broken through the frosty reserve of twenty years and had spoken -to a stranger after the free and easy manner of men who make friends in -Pullman cars and at lunch counters. And the stranger, instead of -repulsing him, had admitted him, at the very first attempt, into the -fraternity of ordinary people. It was pleasant to be one of the great -democracy of the crowd, something which Wesley had never had time to be. -But on the other hand, he found the strain of conversation telling upon -him. He did not know how to go on. - -The stranger went out, but Wesley did not care. He was lost in a -delicious reverie, conscious only of being carried forward on -free-beating wings into a wonderful, unknown land. The grinding of -wheels and brakes as the train halted at a station and pulled out again -made a languorous, soothing music. The train clattered out of the tunnel -into the open air, and Wesley was but dimly aware of the change from -dark to twilight. The way now ran through a region of vague apartment -houses. There were trees, stretches of green field waiting for the -builder, and here or there a colonial manor house with sheltered -windows, resigned to its fate. Then came cottages with gardens. And in -one of these Wesley, shocked into acute consciousness, saw a man with a -rubber hose watering a lawn. Wesley leaped to his feet. - -The train was at a standstill when he awoke to the extraordinary fact -that he was twelve miles away from South Ferry, and going in the wrong -direction. The imperative need of getting home as soon as he could -overwhelmed him. He dashed for the door, but it slid shut in his face -and the train pulled out. His fellow passengers grinned. One of the most -amusing things in the world is a tardy passenger who tries to fling -himself through a car door and flattens his nose against the glass. It -is hard to say why the thing is amusing, but it is. Wesley did not know -that he was being laughed at. He merely knew that he must go home. He -got out at the next station, and when he was seated in a corner of the -south-bound train, he sighed with unutterable relief. He was once more -in a normal world where trains ran to South Ferry instead of away from -it. He dropped off at his road crossing, just two hours late, and found -his wife waiting. - -They walked on side by side without speaking, but once or twice she -turned and caught him staring at her with a peculiar mixture of wonder -and unaccustomed tenderness. - -Finally he broke out. - -"It's good to see you again!" - -She laughed and was happy. His voice stirred in her memories of long -ago. - -"It's good to have you back, dear," she said. - -"But you really look remarkably well," he insisted. - -"I rested this afternoon." - -"That's what you should do every day," he said. "Look at that old maple -tree! It hasn't changed a bit!" - -"No," she said, and began to wonder. - -"And the girls are well?" - -"Oh, yes." - -"I can hardly wait till I see them," he said; and then, to save -himself, "I guess I am getting old, Alice." - -"You are younger to-night than you have been for a long time," she said. - -Jennie and her sister were waiting for them on the porch. They wondered -why father's kiss fell so warmly on their cheeks. He kissed them twice, -which was very unusual; but being discreet young women they asked no -questions. After dinner Wesley went out to look at the lawn. - - - - -XII - -WANDERLUST - - -April sunlight on the river and the liners putting out to sea. Paris! -Florence! the Alps! the Mediterranean! I turned away and let my thoughts -run back to the time when Emmeline and I were in the habit of making, -once a year, the trip to Prospect Park South. - -The Subway has brought this delightful region within the radius of -ordinary tourist travel, though I am told that the element of adventure -has not been completely eliminated, owing to the necessity of -transferring at Atlantic Avenue, where it is still the custom of the -traffic policemen to direct passengers to the wrong car. At the time of -which I am speaking, Prospect Park South lay off the beaten track, but -the difficulties of the venture were atoned for by the delight of -finding one's self, at the journey's end, in a world of new impressions, -a world untouched by the rush and clamour of our own days, and steeped -in the colour and poetry which Cook's, cotton goods, and the -cinematograph have been wiping out in Europe and the Near East. - -There were no Baedekers then for travellers to Prospect Park South. -To-day I presume guide-books and maps may be purchased at the Manhattan -end of the Brooklyn Bridge if people still go by that route. We did -without guide-books or guides, because the inhabitants of Prospect Park -South were a kindly folk and as a rule would wait for visitors at the -trolley stops, with an umbrella. When this did not happen, we asked our -way from passers-by. These were always strangers who had lost their way. -The inhabitants were either peacefully at home or waiting at the trolley -stops. For that matter an inhabitant, when encountered by rare chance, -was not really of assistance. A resident always referred to streets and -avenues by the names they bore when he first moved in; and inasmuch as -the streets in Prospect Park South are renamed every year and the -street numbers altered at the same time, the settlers, who would find -their own homes by intuition, were worse than useless as guides. On the -other hand, to meet a stranger who was lost was always a help. It was a -peculiarity of strangers who were lost in Prospect Park South that they -would always be passing the street you were looking for, while you in -turn had just turned in from the street they were looking for, so that -an exchange of information was always mutually profitable. - -The following hints for travellers to Prospect Park South are based upon -our experiences of some years ago. Those who go by the Interborough tube -will probably find that changed conditions have rendered many of these -rules obsolete. But for those who go by way of Brooklyn Bridge they may -still be of some value. First then as to dress. As a rule one should -dress for Prospect Park South very much as for a short run to Europe. -That is to say, woollens are always preferable, especially in the rainy -season (which in Prospect Park South is coextensive with the visiting -season), owing to the long waits between cars. It is true, as I have -said, that the inhabitants of Prospect Park South are accustomed to wait -at the trolley stations with an umbrella, and no household is without a -full assortment of old mackintoshes and rubbers to lend to improvident -visitors who believed the weather reports in the paper. But house -parties in Prospect Park South are frequently large and there may not be -enough old raincoats to go around. A light overcoat, an umbrella, -rubbers or a pair of stout shoes, and a pocket electric light for -reading names on the street lamps at night, will be found sufficient for -the ordinary traveller. - -The choice of route is important. Those who, like us, live in upper -Manhattan may lay their plans (excluding the Subway) either for the -Ninth Avenue L or the Sixth Avenue L. As far south as Fifty-third Street -the two lines coincide. Below Fifty-third Street the question of route -should be determined by one's personal preferences in the matter of -scenery; though not entirely. Veteran travellers assure me that there is -also a difference in comfort. The curves are sharper on Sixth Avenue, -but there are more flat wheels on the Ninth Avenue line. According as -the tourist is susceptible to lateral or vertical disturbances he will -make his choice. The front and rear cars are to be recommended above all -others because a seat may always be obtained. I recognise, however, that -if the traveller has long been a resident of New York he will force his -way into the middle cars. Then, hanging from a strap, he may curse the -company and be in turn cursed by the quick-tempered gentleman upon whose -feet he is standing. - -A phrase-book is not necessary. The English language is used on both the -Sixth and Ninth Avenue lines, and being equally incomprehensible, cannot -be looked up in a dictionary. Only legal currency of the United States -is accepted at the ticket-offices, but change is frequently given in -Canadian dimes. It is convenient, but not essential, to supply one's -self with reading matter at the beginning of the trip. Newspapers are -always to be had for the picking on the floor of the cars. The question -of fresh air, a topic of constant unpleasant controversy between -American travellers and Europeans on the Continent, need not concern the -traveller here. The matter is regulated by the company management which -keeps the windows closed in summer and open in winter. Passengers of an -independent turn of mind will be wary of opening windows on their own -account. The sudden entrance of air following upon the heavy -perspiration induced by the effort has been known to lead to pneumonia. - -With these few general considerations in mind, we may proceed to give a -rapid sketch of the route the tourist traverses. As we have said, down -to Fifty-third Street the passenger on the Sixth Avenue and on the Ninth -Avenue will pass through the same landscape. As the train makes the -magnificent curve through One Hundred and Tenth Street he will have -before him on the right the towering mass of the Cathedral of St. John, -which a kindly neighbour will tell him is Columbia University, and on -the left the lovely, wooded heights of Central Park, their base skirted -by a low line of garages and French dyeing establishments. At -Ninety-eighth Street, on the right, is a water tower of red brick, which -probably has the distinction of being the tallest water tower on -Ninety-eighth Street. At Seventy-seventh Street to the left is the -Museum of Natural History, which the same kindly informant to whom we -have referred will describe as the Metropolitan Museum of Art. On every -cross street to the right one may catch a glimpse of the beautiful -Riverside Drive with the smoke from the New York Central's freight -engines rising above the trees. - -At Fifty-third Street the Sixth Avenue trains diverge to the left for a -short distance and then, turning south once more, carry the traveller -through a region heavily overgrown with skeleton advertising signs of -woman's apparel and table waters. If the Ninth Avenue route is selected -the vista is one of tenement houses and factories. At Thirty-third -Street is the new Pennsylvania Station, the cost of which the same -kindly neighbour will exaggerate by several hundred millions of dollars. - -Ten blocks further down are the buildings of the General Theological -Seminary, so beautiful in line and colour that no resident of New York -ever alludes to them. A few minutes further down the train rounds a -curve and the traveller, if he goes in the early morning, as every -visitor to Prospect Park South must, catches a glimpse of the fairy land -of steeples and battlements of lower New York, a Camelot wreathed with -wisps of steam. For the lover of scenery the Ninth Avenue is to be -unhesitatingly recommended, whereas the Sixth Avenue route will give -pleasure to the citizen who takes pride in the development of our -garment industries. - -I have no space to describe the interesting views to be had while -crossing Brooklyn Bridge. I can only mention the harbour with the -sunlight upon it, a spectacle of loveliness for which New York will be -forgiven much. Straight under the span of the bridge is the pier from -which Colonel Roosevelt set sail for South America. On the left, close -to the edge of the river, is the beetling mass of sugar refineries -famous the world over as the scene of an epoch-making experiment in -modifying the law of gravitation, when the sugar company succeeded in -weighing in three thousand pounds of sugar to the ton and paying duty on -the smaller amount to the United States Government. - -Of the trip through Brooklyn to Prospect Park South I will not attempt -to give any description. For that matter I will not pretend that on any -of our journeys I have carried away a definite idea of Brooklyn. For -that a lifetime is necessary. - - - - -XIII - -UNREVISED SCHEDULES - - -Life's ironies beset us whichever way we turn. The very day that Woodrow -Wilson signed the tariff bill, I discovered that Emmeline is a -Protectionist. - -Thrice in the course of the evening I alluded, with pretended calm, to -the signing of the bill, without awakening the least response in -Emmeline. The tariff apparently had no meaning to her. Thereupon I -reproached her openly. - -"It is characteristic of your sex," I said, "not to betray the slightest -interest in a matter that comes so intimately home to you. Here is a -bill which is bound to affect the problem of high prices. Every woman -who carries a market basket, every woman who shops, every woman who has -the management of a household on her hands, is directly concerned in the -question of lower tariff duties. Yet I dare say you haven't read two -lines on the subject in your newspaper." - -"What have we been paying duties on?" she said. - -"On everything," I replied with spirit. "Anchors, for instance. We have -been paying one cent a pound on them. That means twenty dollars a ton. -You know what the average anchor weighs, so you can figure out for -yourself what we have been paying out all these years for this commodity -alone. We have been paying 85 per cent. on bunion plasters, 10 per cent. -on animals' claws, and 85 per cent. on teazels." - -"But we hardly ever use any of these things," she said. - -"I was simply illustrating the iniquitous extremes to which our tariff -advocates were prepared to go," I said. "It may seem natural to put a -duty on beef, and shoes, and cotton goods. But the tariff barons were -not content. Insatiable greed demanded that a tax be put on teazels." - -"What is a teazel?" she said. - -"I am not sure that I know," I replied. "But that just illustrates one -of the favourite methods of the tariff plunderers. It consisted in -slapping a stiff duty on articles people did not know the meaning of and -so would pay without protest. I say teazels, but, of course, I mean -meat, and sugar, and cotton, and woollen goods, all of which things will -soon be within the reach of all. I should imagine that women would be -grateful for what has been done to make the living problem so much -easier." - -"Under the new tariff bill," she said, "will there still be only -twenty-four hours to the day?" - -"The new tariff doesn't repeal the laws of astronomy," I replied. - -"That is what I was thinking when you spoke of the living problem being -made easier for us," she said. "Putting twelve more hours into the day -would be a help. Did the old tariff have a big duty on hanging up -pictures?" - -"I don't know what you are driving at," I said, but in my heart I -thought I knew. - -"I mean," she said, "around moving time. I have always thought there -must be a very heavy tax on every picture that a man hangs up; or -rugs--" - -I decided that frivolity was the best way out of a situation that had -suddenly become menacing. "Usually we don't hang up rugs," I said. - -"That may be an oversight on our part," she replied. "Perhaps, if we -hung up rugs and put pictures on the floor it might appeal to your -passion for romance. You might even find it exhilarating." - -The idea seemed to fascinate her. - -"There are a great many things," she went on, "that I should like to see -on the free list. Seats in the Subway, for instance. I stood up all the -way from Twenty-third Street this afternoon, but I suppose the duty on a -man's giving up his seat to a woman is prohibitive. Then there's Mrs. -Flanagan who comes in by the day. She has a baby who is teething and -cries all night. I wish there was a lower duty on babies' teeth, so that -they came easier; and on sleep for mothers who have to go out by the -day. I also wish there was a lower duty on the whisky that her husband -consumes. She could possibly afford to stay at home more than she does." - -"He'd only drink himself to death," I said. - -But she was not paying attention. "There might be a lower duty on -efficient domestic help. It would be a relief." - -"Foreign household help are not under the tariff law at all," I said. -"They come in free." - -"That's what the girl said yesterday when she decided to quit, an hour -before dinner. And from the way she spoke to me I imagine that her -language also came in free. The more I think of it the fewer advantages -I can see for us women under your new tariff bill." And then the bitter -truth came out. "I think that on the whole I am in favour of a high -tariff on most things." - -"You are in favour of Protection," I stammered, hardly believing my -senses. - -"I am in favour of protecting domestic industry," said Emmeline, and I -saw that she had been reading the newspapers more carefully than I -imagined. - -The protective system which Emmeline outlined to me that evening would -have made Senator Penrose sob for joy. One of the first things she -demanded was a heavy duty on tobacco. She said she would be satisfied -with a flat rate of 100 per cent. on the nasty article, with a super tax -of 100 per cent. on all half-smoked cigars left lying around the house, -and another 100 per cent. on cigar ashes and half-burnt matches. -Alcoholic spirits should be totally excluded. She wanted a pretty heavy -duty on raincoats left lying on chairs when they should be hung up on -the proper hook. She was also in favour of a prohibitive tax on all -arguments tending to prove that woman's natural sphere is the home. -Lodge dues, club dues, and the practice of reading newspapers at the -breakfast table should be heavily taxed. There were a great many other -schedules she proposed, carrying a minimum duty of seventy-five per -cent. I cannot pretend to remember all, but my impression is that plays -dealing with the social evil and eugenics were among them. - -By this time it will be apparent that Emmeline's views on tariff -legislation were somewhat confused. She evidently made no distinction -between import duties, internal revenue taxes, and the police power of -the State. Before continuing our discussion I therefore insisted that we -restrict debate to the specific question of import duties and the cost -of living. The simple fact was that we had now changed from a -high-tariff nation to a low-tariff nation. How would this affect -ourselves and our neighbours? - -Thereupon I was subjected to a severe examination as to tariffs and -prices in other countries. My answers were, in a general fashion, -correct, though possibly I may have confused the British tariff system -with that of Germany. - -"From your statements, so far as I can make head or tail out of them," -said Emmeline, "I gather that in protection countries the cost of food -and clothing and rent is always just a little ahead of wages and -salaries." - -"You have followed me perfectly," I said. - -"Whereas in low-tariff countries people's wages and salaries are always -just a little behind the cost of food, clothing, and shelter. - -"That is due to quite a different set of causes," I said. - -"I imagined," she said, "that the causes must be other than those you -mentioned. But the fact remains that the choice which confronts most of -us is between having a little less than we need, or needing a little -more than we have. If that is so, it seems to me rather a waste of time -to spend--did you say seventy-five years?--in revising the tariff. I -prefer my own kind of tariff." - -"And the cost of living?" I said. - -"My kind of tariff gets much nearer to solving that problem," she said. - -"But then, why Mrs. Pankhurst?" I said. "If the making of laws has -nothing to do with the comfort of life, why do you want to vote?" - -"Because we want to assert our equality by sharing your illusions. -Besides, we can use the vote to bring about a state of things when -voting won't be necessary." - -On further thought, Emmeline is not a Protectionist; she is an -Anarchist. - - - - -XIV - -SOMEWHAT CONFUSED - - -He said: - -"Last night my wife took me to a lecture on Eugenics and the Future. The -night before, we went to a lecture on the Social Implications of the -Tango. I enjoyed them both immensely. Of course, after a long day in the -office, I am rather tired in the evening. If I dozed off on either -occasion it must have been just for a moment. I followed the arguments -perfectly." - -"Are you converted?" I said. - -He pushed his derby further back on his head. - -"Quite. I am not a mule. I know a good argument when I see one. Now, -isn't it true, as the speaker contended last night, that the human -animal, taking him by and large, is not a beautiful object? When he -isn't bow-legged, he is knock-kneed. There are too many men prematurely -bald. There are too many women prematurely wrinkled--and fat. We are -nothing but a shambling, stoop-shouldered race, in a permanent state of -ill-health. In summer we get sun-struck. In winter we get colds in the -head. Look at the ancient Greeks. Is there any reason why we cannot -produce a race as healthy, as beautiful, as graceful in the free play of -muscle and limb? An erect, supple, free-stepping race, breathing deeply -of life, looking the world full in the face, daring everything, afraid -of nothing. Our bodies are divine, as much so as our souls. To go on -being a race of physical degenerates, a snuffling, wheezing, perspiring -race that is always running to the doctor, is mortal sin; especially -when the remedy is close at hand." - -"You mean eugenics?" I said. - -"No," he said, "I refer to the tango. The speaker last night--or was it -the night before?--was absolutely convincing on the point. I am sure you -will agree." - -To make sure that I would agree he interrupted me just as I opened my -mouth to frame an objection. He continued rapidly: - -"Take this matter of old age. There's no reason why people should let -themselves grow old, is there now? And a properly constituted race would -see to it that old age was postponed indefinitely. After all, when a man -says he is eighty years old or ninety years old, it is only a figure of -speech. Look at Napoleon winning the battle of Leipzig when he was -seventy-eight years old." - -"I never heard that before," I said. "I thought Napoleon lost the battle -of Leipzig, and when he died--" - -"It may have been Hannibal," he said. "At that point I may possibly have -dozed off. But the principle of the thing is the same. Only a race of -weaklings will succumb to the ravages of time without making a fight for -it. There is really nothing beautiful in old age. You sit out the long -winter nights by the fire. Your eyes are too weak for the fine print in -the evening paper, and when you ask your son to tell you about the new -Currency Law he grows cross and scolds the baby. When you stop to buy a -ticket in the Subway, people grow impatient and murmur something about -an old ladies' home. It's all as plain as daylight. There is no reason -why people, as soon as they get to be sixty, should reconcile themselves -to the idea of debility, warm gruel, and chest protectors, when they -might go on being young, alert, graceful, full of the joy of life, if -they would only recognise the way of going about it." - -"You mean the tango?" I said. - -"No," he said. "I was alluding to eugenics." - -He spoke with assurance, but from the corner of his eye he threw me a -wistful, fugitive glance, as if to make sure from my bearing that this -was really what he meant. I did not contradict him. I was thinking of -his wife. For the first time in my experience my sympathies were with -the tired business man. It is good for the tired business man that his -wife shall be alive to the things that count; but two nights in -succession is rather hard. His wife, I knew, was alive to every phase of -our intense modern existence, and in rapid succession. She did not -precisely burn with that hard, gemlike flame which Mr. Pater -recommended. Sometimes I thought she burned with a sixty-four-candle -power carbon glow. It was a bit trying on the eyes. - -"Or take the question of sex," he said. "What is there in sex emotion to -be ashamed of? It is the most primordial of feelings. It comes before -the law of gravitation, as the speaker showed last night." - -"Does it though?" I said. - -"Well," he said, "perhaps it was the night before last. Around this -universal urge, of which we ought to be proud, as the most powerful -force in Evolution (the speaker last night was sure there could be no -doubt on the subject), we have built up an elaborate structure of -reticence and hypocrisy. All art, all literature, is of significance -only as it emphasises sex. If the Bible has impressed itself on the -imagination of humanity for two thousand years, it is because it -contains the most beautiful love songs in all literature. It is the -force which drives the sun in its course, as the Italian poet has said. -It has been the inspiration of all great deeds. If we searched deeply -enough, we should find that sex was the inspiration behind the discovery -of America, the invention of printing, and the building of the Roman -aqueducts. Only the most benighted ignorance will permit our prudish -sentiments on the subject to stand in the way of a movement which is -sweeping the world like wildfire." - -"Referring to eugenics?" I said. - -"No," he said, "I mean the tango." - -He looked out of the window and pondered. - -"Yes," he said, "that was night before last. What the speaker dwelt upon -last night was the subject of democracy. At present we know nothing of -true democracy, of true equality. Society is divided into classes with -separate codes of morals and standards of conduct. There are rich and -poor; workers and idlers; meat eaters and vegetarians; the old and the -young; the literate, the illiterate, and the advocates of simplified -spelling. It isn't a world at all; it is chaos. In the end it all -resolves itself into this: humanity is divided into the strong and the -weak. The surest way to do away with inequality is to produce a race in -which every member is strong." - -"You mean--" I said. - -"Pardon me," he said. "I haven't finished. Let me sum up the speaker's -concluding sentence as I recall it. As we look around us to-day there is -unmistakably one force which works for the elimination of that -inequality which is the source of all our troubles; a force which wipes -out all distinction of class, of age, and of education, and produces a -world in which everybody is engaged in doing the same thing as everybody -else." - -"Oh, I see," I said. "You are now speaking of the tango." - -"Not at all," he said, "I am referring to eugenics. But perhaps you do -not agree with me?" - -I hesitated. He was watching me eagerly, pushing his derby back until it -stood upright on its tail like a trained seal. - -"I have done my best to agree with you," I said, "but you have made it -rather difficult for me. Nevertheless I do agree with you. What I am -thinking of now is something which the speaker last night omitted to -mention--or was it the night before last? And it is this. Under the -conditions which you describe, how beautifully complex the art of -thinking will become. At present we can hardly be said to think at all. -We are cowards. We crawl along from one truth to another. We timidly -look back to our premises before jumping at the conclusion. We are -horrified by inconsistencies. We are enslaved by facts--facts of nature, -facts of human nature, facts of experience. How different it will all be -when we can sidestep facts, when we can dip over inconsistencies, when -we can hug boldly an apparent contradiction and make it our own; when -thinking, in short, will not be a timid regulated process, but a -succession of dips, twists, gallops, slides, bends, hurdles, sprints, -and pole vaults." - -"You are thinking of the tango?" he said. - -"No," I replied. "I had eugenics in mind." - - - - -XV - -HAROLD'S SOUL, II - - -You, mothers and fathers [said this particular advertising folder which -I found in my morning's mail], do you know what goes on in the soul of -your child? - -I, for one, know very little of what goes on inside of Harold. My -information on the subject would hardly furnish material for a single -university extension lecture on child psychology. It is an imperfect, -unsystematised knowledge based on accidental glimpses into Harold's -soul, odd flashes of self-revelation, and occasional questions the boy -will put to me. I don't know whether Harold is more reticent than the -average boy in the second elementary grade, but in his case it does no -good to cross-examine. He grows confused, suspicious, and afraid. He -resents the intrusion of my rough fingers into his sensitive world of -ideas. So I do not insist on detailed accounts of how the boy passes -his time in class or at play; for what are time and space and -grammatical sequence to the child? I am content to wait, and now and -then I make discoveries. - -Harold and I were discussing one day the rather important question, -raised by himself, from what height a man must fall down in order to be -killed. It began, I think, with umbrellas and how they behave in a high -wind. From that we passed on to parachutes and balloons and the loftier -mountain tops. We dwelt for some time upon the difficulties and dangers -of mountaineering. - -"Once there was a man," said Harold, "who used to drive six mules up a -mountain." - -"Six mules," I said. "How do you know?" - -"A bishop told me," he said. - -The sense of utter helplessness before the closed temple of Harold's -private life oppressed me. Let alone his soul, I found that I did not -even know how the boy was spending his time and who his associates -were. Fortunately, in this case it was a bishop; but it might have been -some one much worse. - -And why had Harold never spoken of his friend the bishop until our talk -of parachutes and mountain climbing brought forth his perfectly -matter-of-fact statement? Was it indifference on Harold's part? Was it -studied reticence? I thought with a pang of self-accusation how I would -have behaved, after meeting a bishop; how I would have turned the -conversation at the dinner-table to the declining influence of the -Church; how I would have found a way of comparing the Woolworth Building -with ecclesiastical architecture; how I might have steered a course from -golf to bridge and from bridge to chess; always ending with a careless -allusion to what the bishop said when we met. - -There was, as it turned out, a simple explanation for Harold's -statement. A notable conclave of bishops and laymen had been in session -for some days in our neighbourhood, and one of the visiting dignitaries -had addressed the school children at the opening exercises one morning. -I say the explanation is simple, though it is largely my own hypothesis -based on Harold's words as I have given them above; but I believe my -supposition to be true. With regard to the six mules up a steep mountain -I am not so sure; but probably it was a missionary bishop who -entertained the children with an account of his experiences in Montana -or British Columbia. What else the bishop told them Harold could not -say. He admitted, regretfully, that the bishop used long words. - -But I am not at all certain that other bits of information from that -ecclesiastical speech have not lodged in Harold's memory, to be brought -forward on some utterly unexpected but quite appropriate occasion. In -the meanwhile I can only think that it must be a very fine sort of -bishop, indeed, who could find time for an audience of school children -and was not afraid to use long words in their presence. As I can -testify, the encounter thus brought about did Harold good; and I am -inclined to think that it did the bishop good. - -We finally decided that no man could fall from a height over one hundred -and fifty feet and reasonably expect to live. - -You, mothers and fathers [this advertising folder petulantly insists], -can you appease the wonder that looks out of the eyes of your child? - -From Harold's eyes, I am inclined to think, no wondering soul looks out. -The world to him is quite as it should be. Everything fits into its -place. Harold does not think it strange that a bishop should address him -any more than he would think it strange to have the Kaiser walk into the -class-room and begin to do sums on the blackboard. Why should there be -anything to puzzle him? He has learned no rules of life and is, -therefore, in no position to be astonished by the exceptions of life. If -only you are unaware that two things cannot be in the same place at the -same time, or that the whole is greater than any of its parts, the world -becomes a very easy thing to explain. To Harold everything that is, is. -Everything that appears to be, is. Everything that he would like to be, -is; and nothing contradicts anything. - -It is true that Harold asks questions. But I believe he asks questions -not because he wonders, but because he suspects that he is being -deprived of something that should be his. It is that partly and partly -it is the desire to make conversation. He insists on having his privacy -respected, but often he appears to be seized with an utter sense of -loneliness. All children experience this recurrent necessity of clinging -to some one, and they do so by putting questions the answers to which -frequently do not interest them or else are already known to them. To -postpone the bed-time hour a child will try to make conversation as -desperately as any fashionable hostess with an uncle from the country in -her drawing-room. Children rarely deceive themselves, but they are -expert at the game of hoodwinking and concealment. I think we find it -difficult to understand how passionately they desire to be let alone -whenever they do not need us. - -And how desperately bent we are upon not letting them alone! The number -of ways in which I am constantly being urged to make myself a nuisance -to Harold is extraordinary. I am assailed by advertising folders, uplift -articles in the magazines, Sunday specials, Chautauqua lectures, -pedagogical reviews, and the voice of conscience in my own breast, to -inflict myself upon the boy, to win his confidence, make him my comrade, -guide his thoughts, shape his moral development, keep a diary of his -pregnant utterances, and in every other way that may occur to a fertile -mind bent on mischief, peer into him, pry into him, spy on him, spring -little psychological traps under him--a disgusting process of infant -vivisection which has no other excuse than our own vacant curiosity. -Provided Harold digests his food, sleeps well, does his lessons, and -abstains from unclean speech, it is no business of mine what Harold is -doing with his soul. I am thankful for what he consents to reveal at -odd moments. I guess at what I can guess and am content to wait. - -And waiting, I have my reward--occasionally. Not until several weeks -after I had discovered that Harold had the entrée into ecclesiastical -circles did the subject come up again. The boy paused between two -spoonfuls of cereal and asked me whether a bishop would not find it -easier to go up a mountain in an aeroplane. I foolishly asked him what -he was driving at and he grew shy. I am afraid he now thinks bishops are -not proper. - -But who shall say that the connection between high altitudes and the -episcopal dignity is not really an important one? Harold is apparently -occupied with the question and I shall take care not to disturb him. - - - - -XVI - -RHETORIC 21 - -Every time I happen to turn to the Gettysburg Address I am saddened to -find that, after many years of practice, my own literary style is still -strikingly inferior to that of Lincoln at his best. The fact was first -brought home to me during my sophomore year. - -(Incidentally I would remark that the opportunities for consulting the -Gettysburg Address occur frequently in a newspaper office. Every little -while, in the lull between editions, a difference of opinion will arise -as to what Lincoln said at Gettysburg. Some maintain that he said, "a -government of the people, for the people, by the people"; some declare -he said, "a government by the people, of the people, for the people"; -some assert that he said, "a government by the people, for the people, -of the people." Obviously the only way out is to make a pool and look -up Nicolay and Hay. When we are not betting on Lincoln's famous phrase, -we differ as to whether the first words in Cæsar are "Gallia omnis est -divisa," or "Omnis Gallia est divisa," or "Omnis Gallia divisa est." We -all remember the "partes tres.") - -In my sophomore year we used to write daily themes. We were then at the -beginning of the revolt from the stilted essay to the realistic form of -undergraduate style. Instead of writing about what we had read in De -Quincey or Matthew Arnold, we were asked to write about what we had seen -on the Elevated or on the campus. I presume this literary method has -triumphed in all the colleges, just as I know that the new school of -college oratory has quite displaced the old. Instead of arguing whether -Greece had done more for civilisation than Rome, sophomores now debate -the question, "Resolved, that the issue of 4-1/2 per cent. convertible -State bonds is unjustified by prevailing conditions in the European -money market." So with our daily themes. We did not write about -patriotism or Shakespeare's use of contrast. We wrote about football, -about the management of the lunch-room, about the need of more call-boys -in the library. - -The underlying idea was sensible enough. But it was disheartening to -have a daily theme come back drenched in red ink to show where one's -prose rhythm had broken down or the relative pronouns had run too thick. -Our instructors were good men. They did not content themselves with -pointing out our sins against style; they would show us how much more -skilfully the English language could be used. When I wrote: "That the -new improvements that have been made in the new gymnasium that has just -been inaugurated are all that are necessary," my instructor would pick -up the Gettysburg Address and read out aloud: "But in a larger sense, we -cannot dedicate, we cannot consecrate, we cannot hallow this ground." -Sometimes he would pick up the Bible and read out aloud: - - For now should I have lain still and been quiet, I should have - slept: then had I been at rest, - - With kings and counsellors of the earth, which built desolate - places for themselves. - -Sometimes he would read from Keats's "Grecian Urn," or ask me, by -implication, why I could not frame a concrete image like "Look'd at each -other with a wild surmise, Silent upon a peak in Darien." - -Even then I laboured under a sense of injustice. I could not help -thinking that the comparison would have been more fair if I had had a -chance to speak at Gettysburg and Abraham Lincoln had had to write about -the new gymnasium. I thought how the red ink would have splashed if I -had ended a sentence with a comma like Job, or had said "kings and -counsellors which." Are there still sophomores whom they drill in -writing about the prospects of the hockey team and to whom they read -"The Fall of the House of Usher," as an example of what can be done with -the English language? And do some of them do what some of us, in -desperation, used to do? We cheated. We worked ourselves up into -ecstasies of false emotion over the hockey team or pretended to see -things in Central Park which we never saw. I always think of Central -Park with bitterness. We were to write a description of what we saw as -we stood on the Belvedere looking north. I wrote a faithful catalogue of -what I saw, and the instructor picked up "Les Misérables" and read me -the story of the last charge over the sunken road at Waterloo. I should -have done what one of the other men did. He never went to Central Park. -He stayed at home and, looking straight north from the Belvedere, he saw -the sun setting in the west, and Mr. Carnegie's new mansion to the east, -and the towers of St. Patrick directly behind him. He saw it all so -vividly, so harmoniously, that they marked him A. I got C+. Is it any -wonder that I cannot even now read the Gettysburg Address without a -twinge of resentment? - -And yet we were fortunate in one way. In those days they read the -Gettysburg Address to us as a model, and in spite of our resentment our -sophomore hearts caught the glory and the awe of it. But in those days -the art of text-book writing had not attained its present perfection, -and the Gettysburg Address had not yet been edited as a classic with -twenty pages of introduction and I don't know how many foot-notes. Am I -wrong in supposing that somewhere in the high schools or the colleges -this is what the young soul finds in the Gettysburg Address?: - - Fourscore and seven years[1] ago our fathers[2] brought forth on - this continent[3] a new nation,[4] conceived in liberty, and - dedicated to the proposition[5] that all men are created equal.[6] - Now we are engaged in a great civil war,[7] testing whether that - nation,[8] or any nation so conceived and so dedicated,[9] can - long endure. We are met on a great battlefield[10] of that war. - -NOTES - -[1] I.e., eighty-seven years ago. The Gettysburg Address was delivered -Nov. 19, 1863. Lincoln is here referring to the Declaration of -Independence. - -[2] Figuratively speaking. To take "fathers" in a literal sense would, -of course, involve a physiological absurdity. - -[3] The western continent, embracing North and South America. - -[4] "A new nation." This is tautological, since a nation just brought -forth would necessarily be new. - -[5] "Proposition," in the sense in which Euclid employs the term and not -as one might say now, "a cloak and suit proposition." - -[6] See the Declaration of Independence in Albert Bushnell Hart's -"American History Told by Contemporaries" (4 vols., Boston, 1898-1901). - -[7] The war between the States, 1861-65. - -[8] I.e., the United States. - -[9] See Elliot's Debates in the several State Conventions on the -adoption of the Federal Constitution, etc. (5 vols., Washington, -1840-45). - -[10] Gettysburg; a borough and the county seat of Adams Co., -Pennsylvania, near the Maryland border, 85 miles southwest of -Harrisburg. Pop. in 1910, 4,030. - - - - -XVII - -REAL PEOPLE - - -Among the most remarkable people I have never met is the family that had -just moved out of the apartment we were going to rent. My knowledge of -those strangers is based entirely on odd bits of information casually -furnished by the renting-agent in the course of a single interview. Yet -they are more actual and alive to me than many people with whom I have -lived in intimate communion for years. Is it our fate ever to meet? I -look forward to the event and dread it. I look forward with eagerness to -a new sensation, and I fear lest the reality fall short of the vivid -image I have built up with the help of the renting-agent. - -In the matter of picking out an apartment, it is an invariable rule that -I shall inspect the place and decide whether I like it. This I do after -Emmeline has paid down a month's rent and selected the wall-paper. On -questions of such nature, Emmeline is the Balkan States and I am the -European Concert. She creates a _status quo_ and I ratify. In the -present instance, however, I was really given a free hand. Emmeline -admitted she was suffering from headache when she told the renting-agent -that she rather liked the place. Later she recognised that the rooms -were altogether too small. What had swayed her judgment was that the -bedrooms had the sun in the morning and we should thus be saving on our -doctor's bills. In this respect expensive apartments are like -high-powered motor cars and a long summer vacation on the St. Lawrence. -They may be all easily paid for by cutting in two the doctor's annual -bills amounting to ninety-odd dollars. However, I understood that this -time Emmeline would be glad to be overruled. - -The European Concert had its first shock when it was confronted with the -size of the nursery bedroom. The renting-agent called my attention to -the wall-paper. It had a very pretty border, showing scenes from -"Mother Goose"; this at once revealed the purpose for which the room was -intended. But I pointed out to him that if we put a chest of drawers -against the wall and a little armchair in the corner, the crib would -come hard against the steam pipe and would project halfway across the -window. - -"Oh," he said, looking up in surprise. "There's a crib?" - -"Naturally," I said, "we should want this nursery for the baby." - -This did not seem to strike him as altogether unreasonable, but he was -puzzled nevertheless. - -"You see," he explained, "the people who were here before you had a -music-box." - -When a renting-agent discerns signs of disappointment in a prospective -tenant he immediately calls his attention to the shower. The agent's -face as he ushered me into the bath-room and pointed to the shower was -irradiated by a smile of ecstatic beatitude. He reminded me of Mme. -Nazimova when she waits for the Master Builder to tumble from the -church tower. - -"Does the shower work?" I asked. - -"Why, of course it does," he said. - -"That is very interesting," I said. "Most of them either drip or else -the hot water comes down all at once. I don't suppose you have to keep -away to one side and thrust your finger forward timidly before you -venture under the shower?" - -"Not at all," he said. "This has splendid pressure. Just turn it on for -yourself." - -I did as I was told, and after he had finished drying himself with his -handkerchief he asked me whether this wasn't one of the best showers I -had ever come across. I agreed, and he then told me that the very latest -ideas in modern bath-room construction had been utilised by the -architect. As for the people who had just moved out, they were so -delighted with the shower that they spent the greater part of the day in -the tub, often doing their reading there. - -On our way towards the library and living-room he called my attention -to the air in the hall. He said that if there was any breeze stirring -anywhere we were sure to get it in that particular apartment. This -puzzled me, because he had told Emmeline the same thing about another -apartment which she had inspected and which faces south and west, while -this one faces north and east. Suppose now a good northeast breeze-- But -we were now in the main bedroom and he was asking me to take notice of a -small iron safe let into the wall at the height of one's head. - -"This," he said, "is extremely useful for jewels and old silver. You -don't find it in every apartment house, I assure you." - -"That _is_ convenient," I said, and looked out of the window, "and of -course one could keep other valuables in there, too, like bonds and -mortgages and such things." - -"A great many people do," he said. - -We passed another bedroom which was so small that even the agent looked -apologetic. He said it was the maid's room, but that the people who had -just moved out had a woman come in by the day and used the chamber as a -store-room. He supposed we should prefer to have our maid sleep in the -house. - -"We do," I said, "but then we might get a short maid. The Finns, for -example, are a notoriously chunky race and attain their full height at -an early age. Let us look at the library." - -I did not like the room at all. It faced north and looked out upon the -rear of a tall building only thirty feet away. I asked him if the light -was always as bleak as it was to-day. - -"You get all the light you want in here," he said. "Lots of people, you -know, object to the sun. It's hard on the eyes. The people who had this -apartment always kept the window shades down. It made the room so cosy." - -I shook my head. The dimensions of the room were quite disappointing. It -was not only small, but there was little wall space, because the -architect had provided no less than three doorways which were supposed -to be covered with portières. I presume that architects find open -doorways much easier to plan than any other part of a room. - -He was surprised at my objections. There was plenty of space, he -thought. As libraries go it was one of the largest he had seen. Here you -put an armchair, and here you put a small, compact writing-desk, and you -had plenty of floor space in the middle for a small table. - -"And the bookcases?" I asked. - -He looked downcast. - -"You have bookcases?" he said. - -"We have six." - -He was about to say something, but I anticipated him. - -"I know, of course," I said, "that the people who lived here before used -to keep their books in the kitchen, but I hardly see how we could manage -that. It's too much trouble, and besides I am somewhat absent-minded. It -would be absurd if I should walk into the kitchen for a copy of 'Man and -Superman,' and come back with half a grapefruit on a plate. And, -furthermore, I like a library where a man can get up occasionally from -his writing-table and pace up and down while he is clarifying his ideas. -You couldn't do that here." - -"There is a nice, long hall," he said. "You might pace up and down -that." But he saw I was unconvinced, and he did not go to much pains in -exhibiting the dining-room, merely remarking that it did look rather -small, but the people who last lived in the apartment were accustomed to -go out for their meals. - -You will see now why I am so intensely interested in the tenants whose -successors we were on the point of being. With life growing more flat -and monotonous about us, how refreshing to come across a family which -keeps a music-box in the nursery, does its reading in the bath-tub, and -never eats in the dining-room. Is it studied originality on their part -or are they born rebels? And how far does their eccentricity go? Does -the head of the house, when setting out for his office in the morning, -walk upstairs? Do they walk downstairs when they wish to go to bed? - -I am still to meet these highly original citizens of New York, but their -numbers must be increasing. Every year I hear of more and more former -tenants who prefer dark rooms and libraries without shelf space. I have -never asked the renting-agent why, being so contented with their -surroundings, his tenants should have moved out. But probably it is -because they have found an apartment where the rooms are still smaller -and the windows have no sun at all. - - - - -XVIII - -DIFFERENT - - -Constantly I am being invited, through the mails or the advertising -columns, to buy something because it is different. Such appeals are -wasted upon me. In the realm of ideas, I am as radical as the best of -them, in many ways. But when it comes to shopping I am afraid of change. - -The advertising writer is the most unoriginal creature imaginable. He is -more imitative than a theatre manager on Broadway. He is more imitative -than the revolutionaries of art, the Impressionist who imitates the -Romanticist, the Post-Impressionist who imitates the Impressionist, the -Cubist who imitates the Post-Impressionist, the Futurist who imitates -the Cubist, and the Parisian dressmaker who imitates the Futurist. When -a happy word or phrase or symbol is let loose in the advertising world, -it is caught up, and repeated, and chanted, and echoed, until the sound -and sight of it become a torture. How long ago is it since every -merchantable product of man's ingenuity from automobiles to xylophones -was being dedicated to "his majesty the American citizen"? How long is -it since every item in the magazine pages was something ending in ly, -"supremely" good, or "potently" attractive, or "permanently" satisfying, -or in any other conceivable phrase, adverbially so? To-day the -mail-order lists are crammed with commodities that are different. Oh, -jaded American appetite that refuses to accept a two-for-a-quarter Troy -collar unless it is different! - -Now the truth that must be apparent to any man who will only think for a -moment--and by all accounts your advertising writer is always engaged in -a hellish fury of cerebration--is that there are a great many -commodities whose value depends on the very fact that they shall not be -different, but the same. If I were engaged in the business of publicity, -I cannot imagine myself writing, "Try our eggs--they are different." I -should also hesitate to write, "Sample our lifeboats, they are -different; try them and you will use no other." If I were working for -the gas company I should never think of saying, "Come in and look at our -gas metres, they are different." It requires little effort to draw up a -list of marketable goods, services, and utilities for which it would be -no recommendation at all to say that they are different. Thus: - - Railway time tables. - Photographs. - Grocers' scales. - Complexions. - Affidavits, and especially statements made in swearing off personal - property tax assessments. - Clocks. - Individual shoes of a pair. - The multiplication table. - The Yosemite Valley. - -In every instance it would manifestly be absurd to try to prove that the -object in question is anything but what we have always known it to be -or expected it to be. - -On the other hand, there is a great class of commodities which one would -never think of taking seriously unless we were assured that they are -different from what we have always found them to be. If some ingenious -inventor could really put on the market a Tammany Hall that was -different, or a hair tonic that was different, or something different in -the way of - - Hat plumes (guaranteed not to tickle). - Musical comedy. - Rag-time. - Domestic help. - Book-reviews. - Winter temperature at Palm Beach (as compared with temperature in New - York city). - Remarks on the weather. - Mr. Carnegie's speeches. - Remarks on Maude Adams. - Epigrams about women. - Epigrams about love. - Epigrams about money. - Epigrams. - Food prices. - Florence Barclay. - Golf drivers (guaranteed not to slice). - Brassies (guaranteed not to top). - Mid-irons (guaranteed not to cut). - Advertising. - -And countless other things which every one can imagine being different -in a better-organised world than ours. - -But does your advertising expert recognise the distinction between -things which must under no consideration be different and things which -must be made different if they are to find acceptance? Not in the least. -In season and out he sounds his poor little catch-word, and frightens -away as many customers as he attracts. Under such circumstances one can -only wonder why advertising should continue to be the best-paid branch -of American literature. Of what use are the Science of Advertising, the -Psychology of Advertising, the Dynamics of Advertising, the Ethics of -Advertising, the Phonetics of Advertising, the Strategy and Tactics and -Small-Fire Manuals of Advertising--on all of which subjects I have -perused countless volumes--if all this theoretical study will not teach -a man that it is appropriate to say: "Try our latest Hall Caine, it is -different," and quite out of place to say, "Try our quart measures, they -are different"? - -Between the things that must never be different and the things that -ought never to be the same, there is a vast class of commodities which -may be the same or may be different according to choice. Linen collars, -musical machines, newspapers, ignition systems, interior decoration--it -is evident that some people may like them the same and some people may -like them different. My own inclinations, as I have intimated, are -toward the same, but my sympathies are with those who want things -different. The argument advanced by the advertiser in behalf of his -latest three-button, long-hipped, university sack with rolling collar, -that it is different and that it radiates my individuality, leaves me -cold. I am not moved by the plea that the rolling-collar effect is so -different that a quarter-million suits of that model have already been -sold west of the Alleghanies. I remain indifferent on being told that -the three-button effect would radiate my individuality even as it is -radiating the individuality of ten thousand citizens of Spokane. When it -is a choice between wearing unindividual clothes of my own or being -different with a hundred thousand others, I suppose I must be classed as -a reactionary and a fossil. - - - - -XIX - -ACADEMIC FREEDOM - - -The approaching end of another college year gives peculiar timeliness to -the following account of a recent meeting of the Supercollegiate -Committee on Entrance Examinations. For the details of the story I am -indebted to the able and conscientious correspondent of the -Disassociated Press at Nottingham. The discerning reader will have no -difficulty in identifying the persons mentioned. Professor Münsterberg -is, of course, Professor Münsterberg. Professor Lounsbury is Professor -Lounsbury. Professor Hart is Professor Albert Bushnell Hart. Dr. Woods -Hutchinson is Dr. Woods Hutchinson. - -Professor Münsterberg: The meeting will please come to order. We are now -in the first week of October. This fact, which the average citizen has -probably accepted without question, has been amply confirmed in an -elaborate series of laboratory tests carried on by means of white and -yellow cards and rapidly revolving disks. Thus we are prepared to -discuss once more the highly interesting question, why the vast majority -of freshmen cannot spell. Neither can they write their native tongue in -accordance with the rules of grammar. - -Professor Lounsbury: Aw, gee! Why should they? Look at Chaucer, Milton, -and Browning. The fiercest bunch of little spellers you ever saw. And -their grammar is simply rotten. They didn't care a red cent for the -grammarians. When they saw a word or a phrase they liked they went to -it. If the grammarians didn't agree with them it was up to the -grammarians. Chaucer should worry. - -Dr. Hutchinson: Quite right. - -Professor Lounsbury: The question is this: Are freshmen made for the -English language or is language made for freshmen? Language is like a -human being; change does it good. Stick to your Lindley Murray and it's -a cinch your little old English tongue will be a dead one in fifty -years. - -Dr. Hutchinson: I agree with Professor Lounsbury, speaking from the -standpoint of physiology. Constant use of a plural verb with a plural -subject plays the deuce with the larynx. You know what the larynx is, -gentlemen. It's the rubber disk in the human Victrola. Drop the pin on -the rubber disk and the record will grind out the same formula, again -and again. Keep it up long enough and the record wears out. That's the -larynx under the operation of grammatical rules. It gets the habit, and -the first law of health is to avoid all habits. What you want to do is -to shake up the larynx by feeding it with new forms of expression. When -a man says "I done it," it imparts a healthy jolt to the delicate -muscles of the throat, limbers up his aorta and his diaphragm, and -reconciles him with his digestion. This is the opinion of eminent -physiologists, like Drinckheimer of Leipzig. - -Professor Lounsbury: Whom did you say the man is? - -Dr. Hutchinson: Drinckheimer, professor at Leipzig. He doesn't write for -the magazines. - -Professor Lounsbury: Then you agree with me that when a man has -something to say he will say it? - -Professor Münsterberg: We have an excellent illustration on this point -in a history paper submitted in the last entrance examinations. In reply -to the question, "Name the first two Presidents of the United States," -one candidate wrote, "The first pressident was Gorge Washington; his -predeceassor was Alexander Hamilton." Observe the extraordinary -psychological correlation between thought and expression in such a -reply. - -Professor Hart: I don't think the young man was guilty of an injustice -with regard to Alexander Hamilton. You will recall that Hamilton was one -of the principal founders of the system of privilege which has produced, -in our own day, Lorimerism and the purchase of Southern delegates. If -it had not been for Hamilton and his crowd we should not now be -compelled to wage a campaign for social justice and I should not be -under the necessity of writing Bull Moose history for _Collier's_. - -Dr. Hutchinson: But getting back to the real point of our inquiry, -whether the failure to spell and write correctly is a sign of mental -feebleness-- - -Professor Münsterberg: On that point I believe I can speak with -authority. Psychological tests in the laboratory show that the average -freshman is as quick-witted to-day as his predecessor of fifty or a -hundred years ago. We examined three hundred first-year men from eleven -colleges and universities. Each man was required to peep into a dark -box, shaped like a camera, through an eye-hole sixteen millimetres in -diameter. By pressing a button, light was flashed upon a slip of paper -inside the box, on which was printed, in letters nine millimetres high, -the following question: "What is your favourite breakfast food?" The -candidate was required to signify his answer by tapping with his finger -on the table, one tap for Farinetta, two taps for Dried Husks, three -taps for Atlas Crumbs, and so forth. The average time for three hundred -answers was six and seven-tenths seconds. Thereupon the candidates were -asked to think over the question at their leisure and to hand in a -written answer sworn to before a notary public. On comparing the written -answers with the laboratory results, it appeared that only thirty-seven -out of the three hundred had tapped the wrong answer. Need I say more? - -Professor Lounsbury: May I ask how the written answers showed up from -the point of view of spelling and grammar? - -Professor Münsterberg: They were impressively defective. - -Professor Lounsbury: I'm tickled to death. When you cut out bad spelling -and grammar, you queer the evolution of the English language. There's -nothing to it. - -Professor Münsterberg: But take the case of the freshman squad whom we -kept in a hermetically sealed room for twenty-four hours at a -temperature of eighty-nine degrees-- - -Professor Lounsbury: May I ask what their language was when they were -released at the end of twenty-four hours? - -Professor Münsterberg: Truth compels me to say it was something awful. - -Professor Lounsbury: But how about the grammar? - -Professor Münsterberg: There was no grammar to speak of. They used -mostly interjections. - -Dr. Hutchinson: Finest thing in the world, interjections. Good for the -lungs and the heart. Rapid process of inhalation and expulsion keeps the -bellows in prime order. That's all a man is, gentlemen, a bellows on a -pair of stilts driven by a hydraulic pump. If the bellows holds out -under sudden strain, that's all you want. That's why I like to hear -people swear. It's good for the wind. Next time you walk down a step too -many in the dark or lose your hat under a motor truck, don't hold -yourself back. It's the way nature is safeguarding you against asthma. - -Professor Münsterberg: Then it is the consensus of opinion here that the -psychological and cultural status of our college freshmen is everything -it ought to be? - -Professor Hart: I'd rather take the opinion of a roomful of freshmen on -any subject than the opinion of the United States Supreme Court. They -don't know anything about American history, but it's the kind of history -that isn't worth knowing. I prefer them to know things as they ought to -have been rather than as they were before the Progressive party was -born. Whatever is worth preserving from the past, including the -Decalogue, will be found in the Bull Moose platform. We don't want -examination papers. We want social justice. - -Professor Lounsbury: Between you and I, the English language won't get -what's coming to it until all entrance examinations have been chucked -into the discard. - -Dr. Hutchinson: Spelling is demonstrably bad for the muscles of the -chest and the abdomen. - -Professor Lounsbury: You've said it. - - - - -XX - -THE HEAVENLY MAID - - -As the familiar sound fell upon our ears, we walked to the window, drew -aside the curtains, and shamelessly stared into the windows of the -apartment across the court. That usually quiet home had been in evident -agitation all that afternoon. There was the noise of hurrying feet. -Excited voices broke out now and then. Twice a woman scolded and we -distinctly heard a child cry. Now the mystery was explained. - -"The new Orpheola has come," said Emmeline. "I wonder how late they will -keep it up the first night." - -In the apartment across the way the family was gathered in a reverent -circle about the new talking-machine, and we heard the opening strains -of the "Song to the Evening Star." - - * * * * * - -"Have you ever thought," I said to Emmeline, "how infinitely superior -the music of Wagner is to that of any other composer, in its immunity -against influenza? The German Empire, you know, has a moist climate, and -the magician of Bayreuth recognised that he must write primarily for a -nation that is extremely subject to cold in the head. It was different -with the Italian composers. Bronchial troubles are virtually unknown in -Italy. When Verdi wrote, he failed to make allowance for a sudden attack -of the grippe. That is why when Caruso catches cold they must change the -bill at the Metropolitan. But if a Wagnerian tenor loses his voice, the -papers say the next morning, 'Herr Donner sang Tristan last night with -extraordinary intelligence.' Sometimes Herr Donner sings with -extraordinary intelligence; sometimes he sings with marvellous -histrionic power; sometimes he sings with an earnest vigour amounting to -frenzy. Wagner, who foresaw everything, foresaw the disastrous effect of -steam-heated rooms on the delicate organs of the throat. So he developed -a music form in which the use of the throat is not always essential." - -"I know," said Emmeline, "that you'd much rather listen to the la-la, -la-la-la-la-la-lah from Traviata." - -"I'd much rather listen to Traviata," I said, losing my temper, "than -strive painfully to be electrified by the 'Ho-yo-to-ho' of eight -Valkyrie maidens averaging one hundred and seventy-five pounds and -leaping from crag to crag at a speed of two miles an hour." - - * * * * * - -When a man first acquires an Orpheola, he loses interest in his -business. He leaves for home early and bolts his dinner. The first night -he sits down before the machine from 6:30 to 11, and with a rapt -expression on his face he runs off every record in his collection twice. -No one but himself is permitted to return the precious rubber disk to -its envelope. Later in the week the eldest child, as a reward of good -behaviour, may be allowed to adjust the record on the revolving base -and to pull the starting lever, while mother watches anxiously from the -dining-room. At intervals grandma puts her head in at the door to make -sure that the proper needle has been inserted. The modern musical -cabinet does not eliminate the personal factor. People can put all of -their individuality into the music by choosing between a fine needle and -one with a blunt point. Persons of temperament are particular about the -speed at which the disk revolves. When a man is in high spirits he picks -out a sharp needle and winds the spring up tight. Pessimists do just the -opposite. It is imperative to keep the fine, steel points out of the -baby's reach because irreparable harm might thereby be done to the -record. - - * * * * * - -"Of course," said Emmeline, "I can see why you should be so greatly -attracted by the Italian ting-a-ling stuff. It's the result of your -journalistic training. It's the most superficial business there is. -Everything in a newspaper must be perfectly obvious at the first -glance, and there's nothing like a jingle to fetch the crowd. After a -while a man gets to be like the people he writes for." - -I had been called to the telephone and Emmeline had made use of the -interval to build up her little argument. It was unfair, but I -generously refrained from saying so. Besides, I, too, had not been idle -while I waited for Central to restore the connection. - -"I am not denying," I said, "that Wagner gets his effects, if you give -him time enough. But how does he do it? By wearing you out and knocking -you down and running away with you. That was the way, you will recall, -the old Teutonic gods and heroes used to make love. When a Germanic -warrior was attacked with the fatal passion, he would seize the -well-beloved by the hair, throw her over his shoulder and ride away with -her. It was different with Puccini's countrymen. In their hands a -mandolin on a moonlit night under a balcony melted away all opposition. -After half an hour of solid Wagnerian brasswork you surrender; but only -the way Adrianople surrendered. - -"That, too, was the case with the early Teutonic ladies. Their masters -did not always woo with a club. Now and then they interjected little -bits of kindness which were appreciated because they were so rare. That -is Wagner again. Every little while he throws you a kind word, a snatch -of golden melody that Verdi himself might have written, and, as a matter -of fact, did write all the time. With the master of Bayreuth these -little rifts in the clouds are doubly welcome. They shine out like a -good deed on a dark night." - -"How any one can listen to the last act of Tristan without feeling all -the sorrow of the universe, I cannot understand," said Emmeline. "Do you -mean to say that the Liebestod does not really carry you out of -yourself?" - -"It does not," I said. "But when Gadski in Aïda turns to the wicked -Amneris and sings 'Tu sei felice,' something in me begins to give way." - -"It is probably your intellect," said Emmeline. - - * * * * * - -One popular error with regard to talking-machines is that they have -solved the hitherto irreconcilable conflict between music on the one -hand and bridge and conversation on the other. At first sight it may -seem that the religious silence which one must maintain while some one -is singing--it may be the hostess herself--is no longer compulsory. You -cannot hurt the feelings of a mahogany cabinet three feet high. If the -worst happens, you can wind up the machine and start all over again. But -actually the situation is very much what it was before. I myself, on one -occasion when Tetrazzini was singing from Lucia, ventured to lean over -to my neighbour and whisper a word or two. Whereupon there came across -the face of my host, brooding fondly over the machine, a look of pain -such as I never want to bring to any face again. As it happened, it was -the man's favourite record. On the other hand, people who play cards -tell me that as between a living tenor and Caruso on the machine there -is not much to choose. Both are a hindrance to the correct leading of -trumps. - - * * * * * - -"Besides," I said, "any number of Wagnerians will tell you that the -music dramas in their unabridged form are much too long. You will recall -that Wagner himself said that many of his scores would benefit by -generous cutting. A great many eminent conductors have made a specialty -of cutting things out of Tristan. This serves a double purpose. It -permits the development of a class of post-graduate Wagnerians who can -take the whole opera without flinching, and it enables people to catch -the 11:45 for Montclair. Somewhere I have come across a story of two -great conductors who had charge of rival orchestras in one of the -principal cities of Europe. One man, when he conducted the Ring, was in -the habit of cutting out the first half of every act. The other man -played the first half, but omitted the second half of every act. For -many years there was a bitter controversy as to which of the two -conductors best brought out the real meaning of the composer." - -"I don't think it is a very good story," said Emmeline, walking to the -window and closing it; for our neighbour's machine had switched without -warning from the Ride of the Valkyrs to Alexander's Band. "It's a poor -story and I am inclined to think you made it up yourself." - -"As for that," I said, "that is just what Wagner did with his music." - - * * * * * - -When you overhear a man in the subway say to his neighbour, "Mine are -all twelve-inch, reversible, and go equally well on low or high speed," -you will know that the new Orpheola came home last week. Next week the -children will be allowed to handle the records without special -injunctions regarding the proper needle. The week after that, the baby -will be allowed to approach quite near and hear Mother Goose come out of -the mahogany toy. Within a month the master of the house will be looking -for his hat in the cabinet. The intolerable air of superiority and -aloofness with which he has been greeting you will disappear. - - - - -XXI - -SHEATH-GOWNS - - -From Emmeline I learned that I had been doing the fashion designers an -injustice. I had always imagined that styles were the creation of -Parisian dressmakers who worked with only two ends in view--novelty and -discomfort. But Emmeline assured me that styles are a faithful record of -the march of civilisation. When the Manchurian War was under way, -everything in the shops was Russian. When Herr Strauss produced -"Salome," half the world went in for the slim and viperous costume. The -revolution in Persia worked a revolution in blouse decoration. Later -everything was Bulgarian. - -"In that case," I said, "those poor fellows at Adrianople have not died -in vain. Under a rain of shot and shell I can hear the Bulgarian -officers rallying their men: 'Forward, my children! The eyes of Fifth -Avenue are upon you! Fix bayonets! For King, for country, and for -Paquin!' The Turks, being a backward millinery nation, naturally had no -chance." - -"What you say is extremely amusing, of course," remarked Emmeline. "But -I seem to remember an old suit of yours. It was about the time of the -Boer War. The coat was cut like an hour glass and there was cotton -wadding in the shoulders so that you had to enter a room sideways. The -trousers were Zouave. Yes, it must have been about the time of the Boer -War or the war with Spain." - -"That was just when the feminist movement was beginning to shape our -ideals," I retorted. - -Not only do the styles symbolise the process of historic evolution--I -distinctly recall toilets on Fifth Avenue which must have commemorated -the Messina earthquake and the report of the New York Tenement House -Commission--but styles actually follow an evolution of their own. They -do not change abruptly, but melt into each other. Thus the costume -which Emmeline described as Bulgarian could not have been altogether -that. The coat was military enough, with its baggy shoulders and a bold -backward sweep of the long skirts. But this coat was worn over a gown -that was unmistakably hobble, revealing the persistence of the Salome -influence. To call this outfit Bulgarian is to raise the supposition -that the Bulgarians hopped to victory at Kirk-Kilisseh. - -I pointed this out to Emmeline, and at the same time took occasion to -protest against the extravagant lengths to which the languorous styles -were being carried. It was bad enough, I said, to see elderly matrons -arrayed like Oriental dancing girls. But what was worse was to see young -girls, mere children, in scant and provocative attire. I thought the law -might very well take up the question of a minimum dress for women under -the age of eighteen. - -"Of course it's disgusting," said Emmeline, "but it's their right." - -"I know that youth has many rights," I said, "but I didn't know that -the right to make one's self a public nuisance and offence is among -them." - -"What I mean," said Emmeline, "is that we have outgrown the days when -young ladies fainted and wives fetched their husbands' slippers. We have -broken the shackles of mid-Victorian propriety and are working out a new -conception of free womanhood. Our ideas of modesty are changing. You -might as well make up your mind to be shocked quite frequently before -the process is completed." - -"Oh, I see," said I. "Enslaved within the iron circle of the home, -crushed by the tyranny of convention, of custom, of man-made laws, woman -lifts up her head and declares she will be free by inserting herself -into a skirt thirteen inches in diameter. Where's the sense of it?" - -"It's all very simple," said Emmeline. "It means that we are having an -awful time trying to escape from the degradation into which you have -forced us. We struggle forward, and then the habits of the harem -civilisation which you have imposed on us assert themselves. Do you -think we women love to dress? Every time we try on a pretty gown we know -that we are riveting on the chains of our own servitude." - -"But why make the chains so tight?" I said. - -She now turned to face me. - -"The reason for the sheath-gown is quite plain," said Emmeline. "Men -have always shown such a decided preference for actresses and dancing -girls that we others have taken to imitating actresses and dancing girls -in self-defence." - -"But that isn't so at all," I said. "Look at your trained nurses in -their simple white caps and aprons. They are bewitching. It is -universally conceded that the most dangerous thing in the world is for -an unmarried man to be operated on for appendicitis. That was the way, -you'll recall, Adam obtained his wife--after a surgical operation. The -case of the hospital nurse alone disposes of your entire argument about -our predilection for dancing girls." - -"That I do not admit," said Emmeline. "It is true that a man finds -himself longing for what is simple and wholesome whenever there is -something the matter with him." - -"When I spoke of the immodesty of present-day fashions," I said, -adroitly turning the subject, "I am afraid I gave you the wrong -impression. It isn't the viciousness of the thing that I object to, it's -the stupid, sheeplike spirit of imitation behind it. If the passion for -tight gowns indicated a kind of spiritual development, I shouldn't mind -it even if it was development in the wrong direction. There might be an -erring soul in the hobble, but still a soul. If the young girl of good -family who strives to look like a lady of the chorus did so out of sheer -perversity, there would be some comfort. One must think and feel to be -perverse. What appals me is the dreadful, unquestioning innocence with -which the thing is done. If we males are indeed responsible for what you -are, then we have a real burden on our souls. We have done more than -degrade you; we have made automata out of you. The little girl behind -the soda counter who paints her face and hangs jet spangles from her -ears will just as readily comply with fashion by putting on a military -cape and boots, or a pony coat, or calico and a sunbonnet, or an -admiral's uniform, or a _yashmak_." - -"A what?" said Emmeline, frowning slightly. - -"A _yashmak_," I replied, meeting her gaze steadily. "I use the word -with confidence because I have just looked it up in the dictionary. At -first I confused it with _sanjak_, which, on examination, turns out to -be a district in the Balkan Peninsula bounded on the east by Servia and -on the north by Bosnia-Herzegovina. A _yashmak_ is the long veil worn by -Moslem women to conceal the face and the outlines of the upper part of -the body." - -"You seem to have prepared pretty thoroughly for this discussion," said -Emmeline. - -"I have always considered it prudent before entering into debate with a -woman to have a few facts on my side," I said. - -"As if that made any difference," she replied scornfully. - -"As to the sheeplike way in which women follow the fashions of the -moment," continued Emmeline, "it simply isn't true." I could see she was -terribly in earnest now. "There are tens of thousands of women who dress -to please themselves; independent, courageous, self-reliant women who -face life seriously and rationally. We are going in more and more for -loose and comfortable things to wear." - -"Not the typical woman of to-day, I assure you." - -"Of course not the typical woman," said Emmeline. "Any Exhibition of -common-sense by a woman at once makes her a freak. You prefer the other -kind for your ideal of the eternal womanly. Take her and welcome. I -suppose it is necessary for a man to have something worthless to work -for." - - - - -XXII - -WITH THE EDITOR'S REGRETS - - -Talk of post-office-reform brings to my mind a conversation I had with -Williams, who is a poet. It was about the time, some two years ago, when -a Postmaster-General of the United States proposed the abolition of the -second-class mail privilege for magazines. - -I knew that Williams hates magazine editors with all the ardour of an -unsuccessful poet's soul. Consequently, when he sat down and lighted one -of my cigarettes and said that the magazines in their quarrel with the -post office had overlooked the strongest argument on their side, I -suspected irony. It is Williams's boast that he has one of the largest -collections of rejected manuscripts in existence, the greater part being -in an absolutely new and unread condition. Placed end to end, Williams -once estimated, his unpublished verses would reach from Battery Park to -the Hispanic Museum, at Broadway and One Hundred and Fifty-Sixth Street. -Every poem in his collection has been declined at least once by every -editor in the United States, and many of the longer poems have been -declined two or three times by the same editor, and for totally opposite -reasons. - -It is not mere brute persistence on Williams's part that is responsible -for this unparalleled literary accumulation. As a matter of fact he is -easily discouraged, although, of course, like all poets he has his -moments of exaltation. The trouble, he complains, is that with every -printed rejection slip there comes a word of sincere encouragement from -the editor. The editors are constantly telling Williams that his verse -is among the very best that is now being produced, but that a sense of -duty to their readers prevents them from printing it. They regret to -find his poems unavailable, and earnestly advise him to keep on writing. - -"You will recall," said Williams, "the principal point made by the -periodical publishers. Conceding that their publications, as -second-class mail matter, are carried at a loss, they argue that the -post office is more than compensated by the volume of first-class mail -sent out in response to magazine advertisements. The argument is sound, -as I can testify from personal experience. Not long ago I came across a -five-line 'ad' in agate which said, 'Are you earning less than you -should? Write us.' Well, the question seemed to fit my case and I wrote. -That was two cents to the credit of the post office. The post office -sold another stamp when I received a reply asking me to send fifty cents -in postage for instructions on how to double my income in three months. -I was somewhat disappointed. With my income merely doubled I should -still find it difficult to pay my landlady, but it was better than -nothing. So I sent the fifty cents in stamps. You will recall the -half-dollar." - -"Oh, don't mention it," I said. - -"Well, after a day or two I received in a penny envelope a paper-bound -copy of 'How to Succeed,' being a baccalaureate address delivered by the -Rev. Josiah K. Pebbles, who showed that honesty, thrift, and -perseverance were the secrets underlying the career of Hannibal, Joan of -Arc, John D. Rockefeller, and Theodore Roosevelt. So you see, by the -time the secret had been conveyed to me the post office had sold stamps -to the amount of fifty-five cents. Now assume that there are in the -United States between forty and fifty thousand poets and other literary -workers who would like to double their income, and it is plain that the -United States Government made a very handsome profit on that five-line -'ad.'" - -"But that is not what I started out to show," said Williams. "What the -magazines have omitted to point out is that by rejecting every -contribution at least once, the editors are doing more for Uncle Sam's -first-class mail business than through their advertising pages. And the -difference is this: While there must be a limit to the number of people -who will answer an advertisement, there need be no limit to the number -of times a manuscript is sent back. I can't see why the publishers and -the Postmaster-General should be flying at each other's throat, when -there's such a simple solution at hand. It is evident that there is no -postal deficit, however large, which cannot be wiped out by a sharp -increase in the average number of rejections per manuscript. Editors -will only have to augment by, say, fifty per cent. the number of reasons -why a contribution of exceptional merit is unavailable. My 'Echoes from -Parnassus' was sent back thirty-seven times before it found a publisher. -It would have been a simple matter to send the poem back a dozen times -more either absolutely or with a word of hearty encouragement." - -By this time I had made up my mind that it was indeed irony, and I was -sorry. I don't mind when Williams gets quite angry and lashes out; but I -hate to have a poet laugh at himself. - -"Not that I can help feeling sorry for the editor chaps," he went on. -"You couldn't help feeling sorry, could you, for a man who has been -trained to recognise the very best in literature, and to send it back on -the spot? And the more he likes it the quicker he sends it back. -Frequently I have been on the point of writing to the man and telling -him that if it is really such a wrench to return my poem to please not -consider my feelings in the matter, but to go ahead and print it. What -saves the editor, I imagine, is that after a while he does learn how to -detect some real fault in a contribution which just enables him to send -it back without altogether succumbing to grief. Of the fourteen men who -rejected my 'Echoes from Parnassus,' one wrote that I reminded him of -Milton, but that I lacked solemnity; another wrote that I reminded him -of Thomas Bailey Aldrich, but that I was a little too serious; another -wrote that my verses had the Swinburnian rush, but were somewhat too -fanciful. The editor who accepted the poem wrote that he couldn't quite -catch the drift of it, but that he would take a chance on the stuff." - -Here Williams got up and strode about the room and vowed that no -combination of editors could prevent him from continuing to write -poetry. "And I never refuse to meet them half way," he said rather -inconsequentially. "I went into Smith's office yesterday with a bit of -light verse and had him turn it down because it had the 'highbrow -touch.' 'My boy,' he said, 'we must give the people what they want. For -instance, I was going up to my apartment last night and the negro boy -who runs the elevator was quite rude to me; he had been drinking. Now -why couldn't you write a series of snappy verses on the troubles of the -flat-dweller? This line you're on now won't go at all with my readers; -they are not a very intelligent class, you know.' And that's another -thing I can't understand: Why should every editor be anxious to prove -that his subscribers are a bigger set of donkeys than any other editor -in town can claim?" - -"I was fool enough," Williams proceeded, "to reject Smith's suggestion. -I should have accepted it. My poet's mission won't feed me. If President -Eliot insists it is my mission to write stuff no editor will touch, he -doesn't know what he is talking about." - -"I don't think it was President Eliot," I said. - -"Wasn't it? Say Plato or Carlyle, then. You can't go on for ever -slapping us on the back and letting us starve. You have got to back up -your highly laudatory statements by purchasing our wares or we shut up -shop. We don't ask for champagne and truffles, but we do want a decent -measure of substantial appreciation, all of us people with a mission, -poets, artists, prophets, women. Now women, here comes Plato or Carlyle -and says it is a woman's mission to have at least eight children." - -"President Eliot said that," I interposed. - -"Oh it _was_ President Eliot? Eight children, says he, is her mission. -But let me tell you if you take her children and pitch them into the -waste basket, if you use them only to fill up your factories, and slums, -and reformatories, woman will be chucking that sacred mission of hers -through the window before President Eliot can say Jack Robinson. She is -doing it now and serve them right. Mission! Rot!" - -He seized a handful of my cigarettes and went out without saying -good-morning. - - - - -XXIII - -A MAD WORLD - - -_From an old-fashioned country doctor to an eminent alienist in New York -city:_ - -My dear Sir: - -I cannot claim the honour of your acquaintance. My name is quite unknown -to you. For some thirty years I have been established in this little -town, ministering to a district which extends five miles in every -direction from my house-door. My practice, varying little from year to -year consists largely in prescribing liniments, quinine, camphorated -oil, and bicarbonate of soda; and regularly I am summoned, of course, -into the presence of the august mysteries of birth and death. - -The life, though grateful, is laborious. The opportunities for keeping -in touch with the march of events in the great world outside are -limited. It has nevertheless been one of the few delights of my -restricted leisure to follow your career through the medium of the -public press. My own course, as I have shown, lies far from the highly -specialised and fascinating field of mental pathology to which you have -devoted yourself. But from the distance I have admired the expert skill -and the consummate authority which have made you the central figure in -an unbroken succession of brilliant criminal trials. I have admired and -kept silent. If I have departed from my custom in the present instance, -it is only because I feel that your brilliant services in the recent -Fletcher embezzlement case ought not, in justice to yourself and to our -common profession, to be passed over in silence. - -Let me recall the principal circumstances of the Fletcher case. The man -Fletcher was indicted for appropriating the funds of the trust company -of which he was the head. His lawyer pleaded insanity and called upon -you to give an account of several examinations you had made of the -prisoner's mental condition. You testified that on one occasion you -asked the defendant how much two plus two is, and he replied four, -thereby revealing the extraordinary cunning with which the insane assume -the mask of sanity. You then asked him to enumerate the days of the week -in their proper order. This the prisoner did without the least -hesitation, thereby supplying a remarkable instance of the unnatural -lucidity and precision of thought which, in the case of those suffering -from progressive insanity, immediately precede a complete mental -eclipse. - -On the other hand you found that the defendant was unable to recall the -name of the clergyman who had married him to his first wife at San -Jacinto, Texas, twenty-seven years ago; an unaccountable failure of -memory, which could not be passed over as an accident and must be -accepted as a symptom of the gravest nature. You cited the prisoner's -lavish expenditure on motor-cars and pearl necklaces as evidence of his -inability to recognise the value of money; and this in turn clearly -indicated a congenital incapacity to recognise values of any kind, -whether physical or moral. This contention you drove home by citing the -very terms of the indictment, in which it was charged that the prisoner -had failed to distinguish between what was his and what was not -his--another infallible sign of approaching mental deliquescence. - -You did not stop with the man Fletcher. You searched his family history -and found (1) a great-uncle of the defendant who used to maintain that -Mrs. E. D. N. Southworth was a greater genius than George Eliot; (2) a -second cousin who dissipated a large fortune by reckless investments in -wild-cat mining shares; and (3) a nephew who was accustomed to begin his -dinner with the salad and finish with the soup. - -At the trial, counsel for defence asked you a hypothetical question. It -contained between nine and ten thousand words arranged in two hundred -and fifty principal clauses, and nearly a thousand subordinate -adjective and adverbial clauses, with no less than eighty-three -parentheses and seven asterisks referring to as many elaborate -foot-notes. It would have taken a professional grammarian from three to -six days to grasp the proper sequence of the clauses. Yet it is on -record that within three seconds after the lawyer had finished his -question, and while he was still wiping the sweat from his forehead, you -answered "Yes." This is all the more curious because I gather from -statements in the press that while the question was being propounded to -you, you were apparently engaged in jesting with your fellow-experts or -nodding cheerfully to friends in different parts of the court-room. -Needless to say Fletcher was acquitted. - -I have mentioned your fellow-experts. That recalls to my mind another -admirable phase of your services in behalf of the medical art. Your -activity in the criminal courts has freed our profession from the -ancient reproach that doctors can never agree. As a matter of fact, -whether you have been retained by the prosecution or the defence, I -cannot think of a single instance in which you have failed to agree with -every one of the half-dozen other experts on the same side. More than -that, I firmly believe that if by some unexpected intervention you were -suddenly transferred from the employ of the defence to that of the -prosecution, or _vice versa_, your opinion would still be in complete -harmony with that of every one of your new colleagues. In offering your -services impartially to the District Attorney or to counsel for the -defence you have lived up to that lofty impartiality of service which is -the glory of our art. The physician knows neither friend nor foe, -neither saint nor sinner. From the rich store of your expert knowledge -you can draw that with which to satisfy all men. - -I find it hard to frame a single formula which shall describe the sum -total of your achievements in the field of medicine. Perhaps one might -say that you have discovered the unitary principle underlying the laws -of health and disease, for which men have searched since the beginning -of time. Behind all physical ills they have looked for Evil. Behind -diseases they have looked for Disease. That unitary principle you have -found in what goes by the general name of Insanity. The cynical opinion -of mankind long ago laid it down that all crimes may be resolved into -the single crime of allowing one's self to be found out. If a poor man -is caught, it is stupidity or negligence. But obviously, when a wealthy -criminal is apprehended, the only possible explanation is that he is -insane. - -The youthful degenerate who resorts to murder; the financier who steals -the savings of the poor; the lobbyist who buys a Senator-ship and sells -a State; the Pittsburg millionaire who seeks to rise above the laws of -bigamy, may all be explained, and acquitted, in terms of mental -aberration. The only parallel in history that I can think of, is the -elder Mr. Weller's belief in the efficacy of an alibi as a defence in -trials for murder and for breach of promise of marriage. - -I congratulate you, sir. You have discovered a principle which, like -charity, covers a multitude of sins. Like charity, too, your discovery -begins at home. For, as I have shown, there is no home in this broad -land wherein the expert will fail to discover the necessary great-aunt -or third cousin endowed with the precise degree of paranoia, paresis, or -infantile dementia required to secure an acquittal, or, at least, a -disagreement of the jury. - - Sincerely yours, - AN ADMIRER. - - - - -XXIV - -Ph.D. - - -The time has come when a serious attempt must be made to determine -Gilbert and Sullivan's permanent place in the world of creative art. A -brief review of the musical-comedy output during the last theatrical -season will convince any one that we are sufficiently far removed from -"Pinafore" and "The Mikado" to insure a true perspective. - -Happily, the material for a systematic examination of the subject is -accessible. It is true that we are still without a definitive text of -the Gilbert librettos. For this we must wait until Professor Rücksack, -of the University of Kissingen, has published the results of his -monumental labours. So far, we have from his learned pen only the text -for the first half of the second act of "The Mikado." This is in -accordance with the best traditions of German scholarship, which demand -that the second half of anything shall be published before the first -half. In the meanwhile, there are several editions of Gilbert available -which, though somewhat imperfect, ought to present no difficulties to -the scholar. For example, in my own favourite edition of "The Mikado" -(Chattanooga, 1913), the text reads: - - And he whistled an air, did he, - As the sabre true - Cut cleanly through - His servical vertebrae! - -where "servical" is evidently a misprint for "cervical." So, too, the -trained eye will at once discern that in the following passage from the -Peers' chorus in "Iolanthe": - - 'Twould fill with joy - And madness stark - The hoi polloi - (A Greek rebark), - -the sense is greatly improved by reading "remark" for "rebark," unless -we argue that the chorus had a slight cold in the head, an assumption -which nothing in the text would justify us in bringing forward, and -which, indeed, would be contradicted by the highly emphasised summer -style in which the chorus is apparelled. Thus forewarned, then, we are -ready to enter upon a detailed examination of the intensely animated men -and women in whom Sir William S. Gilbert has embodied his _ultima -ratio_, his _dernier cri_, and his _Weltanschaung_. - -In Ko-Ko, the author has given us a Man, with none of the -sentimentalities of August Strindberg, with nothing of the limited, -vegetarian outlook upon life of Bernard Shaw, with nothing of the -over-refinement of Mrs. Wharton. Ko-Ko is atingle with all the passion -and faults of humanity. He is both matter and spirit. He comes close to -us in his rare flashes of insight and in his moments of poignant -imbecility. The human being is not lost in the Lord High Executioner. He -is alive straight through to his entrails and liver, as Jack London -might say. He is infinite, even as life is infinite. He is, by turns, -affable, as with Pitti-Sing; cynically disdainful, as with Pooh-Bah; -paternal, as with Nanki-Poo. - -In the presence of Yum-Yum he is that most appealing figure, a strong -man in love torn between desire and duty. The firmness with which he -rejects the suggestion that he decapitate himself, arguing that in the -nature of things such an operation was bound to be injurious to his -professional reputation, reveals a character of almost Roman austerity. -There is something of the Roman, too--or shall we say something of the -German?--in the thoroughness with which he would enter on his career. He -would prepare himself for his functions as Lord High Executioner by -beginning on a guinea pig and working his way through the animal kingdom -till he came to a second trombone. This is the old standard of -conscientiousness of which our modern world knows so little. - -And yet a very modern man withal, this Ko-Ko. I cannot help thinking -that Mr. Chesterton would have loved him, and would have had no -difficulty in proving that his name should be pronounced not Ko-Ko, but -the second syllable before the first. He is modern in his extraordinary -adaptability to time and circumstance. Starting life as a tailor, he -adapts himself to the august functions of Lord High Executioner. He -adapts himself to Yum-Yum. He adapts himself to Katisha. No sooner is he -released from prison to become Lord High Executioner than he has ready -his convenient little list of people who never would be missed. Of his -powers of persuasion we need not speak at great length. His wooing of -Katisha is a triumph of romantic eloquence. It carries everything before -it, as in that superb climax when Katisha inquires whether it is all -true about the unfortunate little tom-tit on a tree by the river, and -Ko-Ko replies: "I knew the bird intimately." He is modern through and -through, our Ko-Ko. He is at one with Henri Bergson in asserting that -existence is not stationary but in constant flux, and that the universe -takes on meaning only from our moods: - - The flowers that bloom in the spring, - Tra la, - Have nothing to do with the case. - -Far less subtle a character is the Lord High Chancellor in "Iolanthe," -although, within the well-defined liminations of his type, he is as real -as Ko-Ko. Like Ko-Ko he has risen from humble beginnings. But whereas -our Japanese hero attains fortune by trusting himself boldly and -joyfully to life, letting the currents carry him whither they will, like -Byron, like Peer Gynt, and like Captain Hobson, the Lord High -Chancellor's rise is the result of painful concentration and steadfast -plodding. Ko-Ko is at various times the statesman, the poet, the lover, -the man of the world (as when he is tripped up by the Mikado's -umbrella-carrier). The Lord High Chancellor is always the lawyer. In -response to Strephon's impassioned cry that all Nature joins with him in -pleading his love, that dry legal soul can only remark that an -affidavit from a thunderstorm or a few words on oath from a heavy shower -would meet with all the attention they deserve. - -Plainly, we have here a man who has won his way to the highest place in -his profession by humdrum methods; the same methods which Sir Joseph -Porter, K.C.B., employed when, by writing in a hand of remarkable -roundness and fluency, he became the ruler of the Queen's navee; the -same methods brought into play by Major-General Stanley, of the British -army and Penzance, when he qualified himself for his high position by -memorising a great many cheerful facts about the square of the -hypothenuse. - -There is matter enough for an entire volume on Gilbert's self-made -men--Ko-Ko, the Lord High Chancellor, Major-General Stanley, and the -lawyer in "Trial by Jury," who laid the foundation of his fortunes by -marrying a rich attorney's elderly ugly daughter. I throw out the -suggestion in the hope that it will be some day taken up as the subject -of a Ph.D. thesis in the University of Alaska. That is only one hint of -the unworked treasures of research that await the student in these -librettos. How valuable would be a really comprehensive monograph on the -royal attendants in Gilbert, including a comparison of the Mikado's -umbrella-carrier with the Lord High Chancellor's train-bearer! - -As for Gilbert and Sullivan's women, I find that even if I were not so -near to the end of my chapter, I could not enter upon a discussion of -the subject. The field is too vast. I must content myself with merely -pointing out that Gilbert's ideas on women were painfully Victorian. It -is true that the eternal chase of the male by the female was no secret -to him. In Katisha's pursuit of Nanki-Poo we have a striking -anticipation of Anne's pursuit of John Tanner in "Man and Superman." But -on the whole, Gilbert describes his women of the upper classes as -simpering and sentimental--Josephine, Yum-Yum, Mabel, Iolanthe--and his -women of the working classes as ignorant and incapable. What an -extraordinary example of ineptitude is afforded by Little Buttercup, -who, in her capacity as baby-farmer, so disastrously mixes up Ralph -Rackstraw with Captain Corcoran. Or by Nurse Ruth of Penzance, who fails -to carry out orders and, instead of apprenticing her young charge to a -pilot, apprentices him to a pirate. Miss Ida Tarbell could not have -framed a severer indictment of inefficiency in the home. - - - - -XXV - -TWO AND TWO - - -Harding said that if he were ever called upon to deliver the -commencement oration at his alma mater, he knew what he would do. - -"Of course you know what you would do," I said. "So do I. So does every -one. You would rise to your feet and tell the graduating class that -after four years of sheltered communion with the noblest thought of the -ages they were about to plunge into the maelstrom of life. If you didn't -say maelstrom you would say turmoil or arena. You will tell them that -never did the world stand in such crying need of devoted and unselfish -service. You will say that we are living in an age of change, and the -waves of unrest are beating about the standards of the old faith. You -will follow this up with several other mixed metaphors expressive of the -general truth that it is for the Class of '14 to say whether this world -shall be made a better place to live in or shall be allowed to go to the -demnition bow wows. You will conclude with a fervent appeal to the -members of the graduating class never to cease cherishing the flame of -the ideal. You will then sit down and the President will confer the -degree of LL.D. on one of the high officials of the Powder Trust." - -But Harding was so much in earnest that he forgot to receive my remarks -with the bitter sneer which is the portion of any one unfortunate enough -to disagree with him. - -"The commencement address I expect to deliver," he said, "will precisely -avoid every peculiarity you have mentioned. It is the fatal mistake of -every commencement orator that he attempts to deal with principles. He -knows that by the middle of June the senior class has forgotten most of -the things in the curriculum. His error consists in supposing that this -is as it should be; that Euclid and the rules of logic were made to be -forgotten, and that the only thing the college man must carry out into -the world is an Attitude to Life and a Purpose. Which is all rot. There -is no necessity for preaching ideals to a graduating class. The ideals -that a man ought to cling to in life are the same that a decent young -man will have lived up to in college. The dangers and temptations he -will confront are very much like those he has had to fight on the -campus. The undergraduate of to-day is not a babe or a baa-lamb." - -He paused and seemed to be weighing the significance of what he had -said. Apparently he was pleased. He nodded a vigorous approval of his -own views on the subject, and proceeded: - -"It is not the temptations of the world the college man must be on the -lookout against, but its stupidities, its irrelevancies, its general -besotted ignorance. He is less in peril of the flesh and the devil than -of the screaming, unintelligent newspaper headline, whether it leads off -an interview with a vaudeville star or with a histrionic college -professor. What he needs to be reminded of is not principles, but a few -elementary facts. My own commencement address would consist of nothing -more or less than a brief review of the four years' work in -class--algebra, geometry, history, physics, chemistry, psychology, -everything." - -"How extraordinarily simple!" I said. "The wonder is no one has ever -thought of this before." - -"I admit," he said, "that it may be rather difficult to compress all -that matter in fifteen hundred words, but it can be done. It can be done -in less than that. My peroration, for instance, would go somewhat as -follows--that is, if you care to listen?" - -"It will do no harm to listen," I said. - -"I would end in some such way: 'Members of the graduating class, as you -leave the shades of alma mater for the career of life, the one thing -above all others that you must carry with you is a clear and ready -knowledge of the multiplication table. Wherever your destiny may lead -you, to the Halls of Congress, to the Stock Exchange, to the counting -room, the hospital ward, or the editorial desk, let not your mind wander -from the following fundamental truths. Two times two is four. A straight -line is the shortest distance between two points. Rome fell in the year -476, but it was founded in the year 753 B. C., and so took exactly 1,229 -years to fall. The northern frontier of Spain coincides with the -southern frontier of France. The Ten Commandments were formulated at -least 2,500 years ago. Japan is sixty times as far away from San -Francisco as it is from the mainland of Asia. Virginius killed his -daughter rather than let her live in shame. The subject of illicit love -was treated with conspicuous ability by Euripides. The legal rate of -interest in most of the States of the Union is six per cent. The -instinct for self-preservation is one of the elementary laws of -evolution. Hamlet is a work of genius. Victor Hugo is the author of "Les -Misérables." I thank you.'" - -"Thus equipped, any young man ought to become President in time," I -said. - -"Thus equipped," retorted Harding, "any young man ought to make his way -through life as a rational being, and not as a sheep. And that is the -main purpose of a college education, or of any process of education. No -amount of moral enthusiasm will safeguard a man against the statement -that the panic of 1893 was caused by the Democratic tariff bill; but the -knowledge that the tariff bill was passed in 1894 may be of use. It -saves a rational being from talking like a fool. Idealism will not keep -a man from investing in get-rich-quick corporation stock; but knowledge -of the fact that the common sense and experience of mankind have agreed -upon six per cent. as a fair return on capital will keep him from going -after 520 per cent. Mind you, it is not the fact that he will lose his -money which concerns me. It is the fact that there should be a mentality -capable of believing in 520 per cent. The dignity of the human mind is -at stake. Or take this matter of the boundary line between France and -Spain." - -"If you are sure it is related to the subject in hand," I said. - -"It is, intimately," he replied. "I am, as you know, exceedingly fond of -books of travel. I read them as eagerly as I do all the cheap fiction -that deal with brave adventures in foreign lands. Now a very common -trait in books of both kinds is the author's fondness for pointing out -the differences between the people of the southern part of a particular -country and the people living in the northern part. You are familiar -with the distinction. The inhabitants of the south are hot-headed, -amorous, given to mandolin playing, and lacking in political genius. The -people of the north are phlegmatic, practical, averse to love-making, -unimaginative, readers of the Bible, and tenacious of their rights. I -don't recall who first called attention to the fact. Perhaps it was -Macaulay. Perhaps it was Herodotus. The idea is sound enough. - -"But observe what the writers have made out of this simple truth. It -has escaped them that anything is north or south only by comparison with -something else. In the minds of our parrot authors the south has simply -become associated with one set of stock phrases and the north with -another. Here is where my Franco-Spanish frontier comes in. We learn -that the people of southern Spain are gay and fickle whereas the people -of northern Spain are sturdy and sober-minded. But cross over into -France and the people of southern France are once more gay and fickle, -in spite of the fact that they live further north than the sober-minded -inhabitants of northern Spain; and the people of northern France are -calm and self-reliant. Moving still further toward the Pole, into -Belgium, we find that the Belgians of the south are a frivolous lot, but -the Belgians of the north are eminently desirable citizens. From what I -have said you will no longer be surprised to hear that the inhabitants -of southern Sweden are a harum-scarum populace, whereas in the north of -Sweden every one attends to his own business. As a result of my long -course in travel literature I am convinced that the southern Eskimos are -not to be mentioned in the same breath, for hardihood and manly -self-control, with the sturdy inhabitants of northern Congo. People go -on writing this terrific nonsense and people go on reading it. A brief -review in geography would put a stop to the nefarious practice. Have I -made myself clear?" - -"The question is whether people are interested in the countries you have -mentioned," I said. - -Even then Harding was patient with me. - -"That is what I would try to do in my commencement oration--arm those -young minds against the catch-words and imbecilities of the great world. -Altruism, the passion for service, the passion for progress, are all -very well in their way. But first of all comes the duty of every man to -defend the integrity of his own mind and the multiplication table." - - - - -XXVI - -BRICK AND MORTAR - - -It is a pleasure to put before my readers the first completely -unauthorised interview with Professor Henri Bergson on the spiritual -significance of American architecture. We were speaking of Mr. Guy -Lowell's original design for New York's new County Court house. - -M. Bergson smiled pragmatically. - -"A round court house, you say? Suggestive of the Colosseum, with a touch -of the Tower of Babel, and the merest _soupçon_ of Barnum and Bailey? -Come then, why not? To me it is eminently just that your architecture -should typify the different racial strains that have entered into the -making of the American people. When one observes in the façade of your -magnificent public buildings the characteristic marks of the Chinese, -the Red Indian, the Turco-Tartar, the Provençal, the Lombard -Renaissance, the Eskimo, and the Late Patagonian, one catches for the -first time the full meaning of your so complex civilisation." - -The distinguished philosopher turned in his seat, struck a match on a -marble bust of Immanuel Kant just behind him, and lit his cigar. He -gazed thoughtfully out of the window. Before him stretched the -enchanting panorama of Paris so familiar to American eyes--Notre Dame, -the Gare de St. Lazare, the Bois de Boulogne, the Eiffel Tower, the -cypresses of Père Lachaise, the tomb of Napoleon, and the offices of the -American Express Company. - -"Yes," he said, "one envies the advantages of your multi-millionaires. -The kings and princes of former times, when they built themselves a -home, had to be content with a single school of architecture. Your rich -men on Fifth Avenue may have two styles, three, four--what say I?--a -dozen! And on their country estates, where there is a garage, a -conservatory, stables, kennels, the opportunities are unlimited." - -"But we have pretty well exhausted all the known styles," I said. "What -about the future?" - -"Have no fear," he replied. "The archæologists are continually digging -up new monuments of primitive architecture. By the time you need a new -City Hall excavations will be very far advanced in Peru and Ceylon. - -"The one secret of great architecture," M. Bergson went on, "is that it -shall contain a soul, that it shall be the expression of an idea. A -splendid courage accompanied by a high degree of disorder is what I -regard as the American Idea. Hence the perfect propriety of a -fifty-story Venetian tower overlooking a Byzantine temple devoted to the -Presbyterian form of worship. Too many of my countrymen are tempted to -scoff at your skyscrapers. But I maintain that a skyscraper perfectly -expresses the spirit of a people which has created Pittsburg, the Panama -Canal, and Mr. Hammerstein's chain of opera houses. Take your loftiest -structures in New York and think what they stand for." - -I thought in accordance with instructions, and recognised that the three -tallest structures in New York symbolised, respectively, the triumph of -the five and ten cent store, the sewing machine, and industrial -insurance at ten cents a week. - -"In your skyscrapers," he went on, "there speaks out the soul of -American idealism." - -I recalled what a drug the skyscrapers are on the real estate market, -how they yield an average of two per cent. on the cost, and I decided -that our tall buildings are indeed the expression of uncompromising -idealism. As an investment there was little to be said for them. - -"I repeat," said M. Bergson, "your skyscrapers stand for an idea, but -they also express beauty. Not only do they reveal the restless energy of -a people which waits five minutes to take the elevator from the tenth -floor to the twelfth, but they also embody the most modern conception of -fine taste. I think of them as displaying the perfection of the -hobble-skirt in architecture--tall, slim, expensive, and never failing -to catch the eye." - -We were interrupted by a trim-looking maid who brought in a telegram. My -host tore open the envelope, glanced at the message, and handed it to me -with a smile. It was from a Chicago vaudeville manager who offered M. -Bergson five thousand dollars a week for a series of twenty-minute talks -on the influence of Creative Evolution on the Cubist movement to be -illustrated with motion pictures. I handed the telegram to M. Bergson, -who dropped it into the waste basket. - -"People," he said, "have fallen into the habit of asserting that beauty -in architecture is not to be separated from utility. To be beautiful a -building must at once reveal the use to which it is devoted. But this -need not mean that a certain architectural type must be devoted to a -certain purpose. The essential thing is uniformity. The same form should -be devoted to the same purpose. Then there would be no trouble in -learning the peculiar architectural language of a city. When I was in -New York I experienced no difficulty whatsoever. When I saw a Corinthian -temple I knew it was a church. When I saw a Roman basilica I knew it was -a bank. When I saw a Renaissance palace I knew it was a public bath -house. When I saw an Assyrian palace I knew there was a cabaret tea -inside. When I saw a barracks I knew it was a college laboratory. When I -saw a fortress I knew it was an aquarium. The soul of the city spoke out -very clearly to me." - -He thought for a moment. - -"But yes," he said. "When I think of New York and its architecture I am -more than ever convinced that there is no such a thing as -predestination, that your American architect is emphatically a free -agent." - -"This seems so very true," I murmured. - -"Recently," he went on, "when I was the guest of your most hospitable -countrymen there was a sharp controversy regarding the appropriateness -of the architect's design for a memorial to be erected to your immortal -Lincoln in the national capital. There were critics who professed to be -shocked by the incongruity of placing a statue of Lincoln, the -frontiersman, the circuit-rider of your raw Middle West, the teller of -most amusing anecdotes, amusing, but--somewhat Gothic, shall I -say?--putting a statue of this typical American inside a temple of pure -Grecian design. Such critics, in my opinion, were in error. They made -the same mistake of concentrating on the specific use, instead of -searching after the broad meaning. Lincoln was an American. His monument -should be American in spirit. And I contend that it is the American -spirit to put a statesman in frock coat and trousers inside a Greek -temple. For that matter, what structural form is there which one might -call typical of your country, outside of your skyscrapers?" - -"There is the log cabin," I said, "but that would hardly bear -reproduction in marble. And there is the baseball stadium, but somehow -that sounds rather inappropriate." - -"So I should earnestly advise you," continued M. Bergson, "not to waste -time in studying what your architectural types ought to be, but to build -as the fancy seizes you. In the course of time the right fancy may seize -you. If anything, avoid striving for perfection. Continue to mix your -styles. It is not essential to cling to the original plans once you have -started. Change your plans as you go along. Avoid the spick and span. If -your foundations begin to sag a little before the roof is completed, so -much the better. If the right wing of your building is out of line with -the left wing, let it go at that. If your interior staircases blind the -windows, if your halls run into a _cul-de-sac_, instead of leading -somewhere, let them." - -"But that is precisely the way we build our State Capitols," I said. - -"Then you are to be congratulated on having solved the problem of a -national style," said M. Bergson. - - - - -XXVII - -INCOHERENT - - -A topsy-turvy chapter of no particular meaning and of little -consequence; whether pointing to some divine, far-off event, the reader -must determine for himself. - -He came into the office and fixed me with his glittering eye across the -desk. Under ordinary circumstances I should have found his manner of -speech rather odd. But it was the last week of the Cubist Exhibition on -Lexington Avenue, and a certain lack of coherence seemed natural. He -said: - -"Is there a soul in things we choose to describe as inanimate? Of course -there is. Can we assign moral attributes to what people usually regard -as dead nature? Of course we can. Why don't we do something then? Take -the abandoned farm. Doesn't the term at once call up a picture of -shocking moral degradation? We are surrounded by abandoned farms, and -do nothing to reclaim them morally. But I have hope. That is the fine -thing about the spirit of the present day. It abhors sentimentality. It -is honest. It recognises that before we can do away with evil we must -acknowledge that it exists. Look at the wild olive! Look at the vicious -circle! Look at Bad Nauheim!" - -"Are you sure it's me you wished to see?" I asked. "Because there's a -man in the office whose name sounds very much the same and the boys are -apt to confuse us. He is in the third room to your right." - -"It doesn't matter," he said. "The main thing is that the present uplift -does not go half far enough. Just consider the semi-detached family -house. Can anything be more depressing? There are happy families; of -them we need not speak. There are unhappy families; but there at least -you find the dignity of tragedy, of fierce hatreds, of clamour, of hot -blood running riot in the exultation of excess--Swinburne, you know, -Dolores, Faustina, Matisse, and all that. But a semi-detached family, a -home of chilly rancours and hidden sneers, too indifferent for love, too -cowardly for hate, a stagnant pool of misery--can you blame me?" - -"I do not," I said. "Far be it from me to censure the natural antipathy -for real estate agents which surges up--" - -"Thank you," he said. "That is all I wish to know." He rose, but turned -back at the door. "Of course," he said, "there is the other side of the -picture. Not all nature is degenerate. There are upright pianos. There -are well-balanced sentences. There are reinforced-concrete engineers. I -thank you for your courtesy." And he went out. - -I had no scruples in directing my visitor to the third floor from mine -on the right, because that room is occupied by the anti-suffragist -member of the staff. Between editions he reads the foreign exchanges -with a fixed sneer and polishes up his little anti-feminist aphorisms. -These he recites to me with a venomous hatred which Charlotte Perkins -Gilman would have no trouble in tracing back to the polygamous cave -man. He came in now and sat down in the chair just vacated by my -somewhat eccentric visitor. - -"Mrs. Pankhurst," he said, "is completely justified in asserting that -the leaders may perish, but the good fight will go on. There are plenty -of frenzied Englishwomen to carry the torch. The practice of arson, you -will observe, comes natural to woman as the historic guardian of the -domestic fire. We have great difficulty in preventing our cook from -pouring kerosene into the kitchen range. Instinct, you see." - -"But look at the other side of the question," I said. - -"That doesn't concern me in the least," he replied. "Of course you will -say there is the hunger strike. But what does that prove? Simply that -another ancient custom of the submerged classes has become an amusement -of the well-to-do. We are all copying the underworld nowadays. We have -borrowed their delightfully straightforward mode of speech. We have -learned their dances. We are imitating their manners. Now we are -acquiring their capacity for going without food. Not that I think the -hunger-strike is altogether a futile invention. Practised on a large -scale it will undeniably exercise a beneficent influence on the status -of woman. Modern fashions in women's garments have already reduced the -expenditure on dress material to an insignificant minimum. When the -wives of the middle and upper classes have learned to be as abstemious -with food as they are with clothes, it is plain that the economic -independence of women will be close at hand." - -"You are assuming that the sheath-gown is less expensive than the -crinoline," I managed to interject. - -"I consider your remarks utterly irrelevant to my argument," he said. -"Mind you, I don't deny that forcible feeding is a disgusting business -as it is carried on at present. But that is because it is being -misdirected. If the British Government were to apply forcible feeding in -Whitechapel and among the human wreckage that litters the Thames -Embankment, I am confident that the problem of social unrest would be -speedily disposed of." - -He, too, turned back at the door. - -"Mark my word," he said, "it won't be long before the manhood of England -asserts itself, and then look out for trouble! You know, even the earth -turns when you step upon it." - -But sometimes you find yourself wondering whether it is really (1) the -solid earth we tread to-day, or whether it is (2) on clouds we step, or -whether (3) we walk the earth with our heads in the clouds, or whether -(4) we are standing on our heads on earth with our feet in the clouds. -It isn't an age of transition, because that means progress in one -direction. It isn't revolution, because revolution is an extremely -clear-cut process with heads falling and the sewers running red with -blood; whereas the swollen channels to-day run heavy with talk chiefly. -It isn't a transmutation of values, because we have no single accepted -standard of exchange. It isn't a shifting of viewpoints, because it is -much more than that. - -It is a shifting of the optical laws, of the entire body of physical -laws. Pictures are painted to be heard, music is written to be seen, -passion is depicted in odours, dancing aims to make the bystander lick -his chops. Mathematics has become an impressionist art, and love, birth, -and death are treated arithmetically. Grown men and women clamour for -the widest individual freedom, and children, if you will listen to the -Princeton professor, should render compulsory service to the State. We -are in full revolt; in revolt toward State Socialism, toward Nietzsche, -toward Christian idealism, toward the paganism of the Latin Quarter and -Montmartre, toward university settlements, toward the cabaret. Are we in -a fog? Are we in the clouds striving toward the light? Well, I haven't -the least doubt that the mist will roll away and leave us in man's -natural position, his feet planted solidly on earth, his face lifted to -the sun. But for the moment it's puzzling. - - - - -XXVIII - -REALISM - -(AFTER A-N-LD B-N-ETT) - - -In the dining-room of her little apartment, from the windows of which -one might catch a glimpse of the Place de la Révolution on a clear day, -Madame Lafarge was laying the table for supper. She had folded the -table-cloth in two. With outstretched arms she held the four ends of the -beautifully laundered piece of napery between the thumb and -middle-finger of either hand. Suddenly she released two of the corners -of the white cloth, transferring her grip with practised deftness to the -two other corners, and whipped the flapping sheet across the table with -a confident gesture that emphasised the vigour of her ample bosom. The -further end of the cloth wrinkled. Perfect mistress of herself, Madame -Lafarge walked around the table and patted the offending creases into -an unblemished surface. She was extremely proud of her finger-nails, -upon which she spent fifteen minutes twice a day. - -From the china-closet at one end of the room, Madame Lafarge brought -forth two plates, which she placed on the table at either end of a -perfect diameter. This diameter she bisected with four salt and pepper -casters of cut-glass topped with silver elaborately chased in the -bourgeois style. While arranging the spoons she happened to look at the -clock and noticed that it was a quarter past five. M. Lafarge would be -leaving his shop behind the Palais Royal in half an hour. He would stop -at the tobacconist's for his semi-weekly bag of fine-cut Maryland and -would probably call at the cobbler's for Madame's second best shoes -which she was having resoled for the third time; they would last out the -winter. That would bring her husband home within an hour. In another -half hour it would be time to put the cutlets on the fire. As she walked -into the kitchen she wondered whether there was quite enough flour in -the sauce. A heavy sauce made M. Lafarge toss about in bed. - -Outside, on the Place, they were guillotining Marie Antoinette.... - - - - -XXIX - -ART - -(WHEN EMMY DESTINN SANG IN THE LION CAGE) - - -First Lion: I'm nervous. Aren't you? - -Second Lion: Not in the least. - -First Lion: Then why do you keep your tail between your legs? - -Second Lion: I always do that when I'm thinking. - -First Lion: What I want to know is, what do they want to go and put her -in the cage for? The place is crowded as it is and there isn't enough -raw beef to go around. - -Second Lion: Maybe she is a new kind of beef. - -First Lion: I wouldn't touch it for the world-- Now what are you doing? -Are you afraid? - -Second Lion: Who's afraid? - -First Lion: What made you back into me like that and growl when she -waved her upper limbs and stepped forward? - -Second Lion: Purely reflex action. Do you think she's hungry? - -First Lion: For heaven's sake, don't say that. What makes you think so? - -Second Lion: She has her mouth wide open and she emits prolonged howls. -I wish she wouldn't move forward so abruptly. - -First Lion: And I wish you wouldn't back into me like that without -warning. - -Second Lion: Perhaps she howls because she's afraid. - -First Lion: Whom would she be afraid of? - -Second Lion: The man outside who is turning the handle of the -picture-machine. - -First Lion: He has a red face. - -Second Lion: He must be juicy. I could fetch him in two leaps if I were -feeling just right. - -First Lion: There you go again. You'll be backing me against the bars -before you know it. - -Second Lion: Can't one stretch when one feels bored? - -First Lion: The red-faced man must be the new keeper. - -Second Lion: Probably, and she is howling for something to eat. I wonder -how long this will last. - -First Lion: I wonder. This is worse than the circus with nothing between -you and a crowd. What is it now? - -Second Lion: She's come nearer again and she is stretching out her upper -limbs in our direction. Suppose she's hungry and the red-faced man -refuses to let her have anything. - -First Lion: For heaven's sake, don't speak like that. - - - - -XXX - -THE PACE OF LIFE - -(AS RECORDED BY THE FILM DRAMA AND TIMED BY A DOLLAR WATCH) - - -From love at first sight to end of successful courtship, 2-1/2 minutes. - -Breakfast, 45 seconds. - -Ascent of the Jungfrau, 5 minutes. - -A riot, 1 minute, 45 seconds. - -A wedding, 1-1/2 minutes. - -A conflagration, 55 seconds. - -A night of restless tossing on a bed of pain, 35 seconds. - -From discovery of wife's faithlessness to attempt at suicide, 50 -seconds. - -Reconciliation between life-long enemies, 1 minute. - -Trust monopolist converted to endow a hospital and reorganise business -on a profit-sharing basis, 1-1/2 minutes. - -A piano recital, 30 seconds. - -A battle in Mexico, 1-1/2 minutes. - -A major abdominal operation, 19 seconds. - -Establishing identity of long-lost heir, 6 seconds. - -Buy your hats at O'Grady's--they're different, 2 minutes. - -Getting Central on the telephone, instantaneous. - -Central gives the right connection, 2 seconds. (Incidentally it may be -remarked that the film drama can never hope to reproduce the most -powerful comic device of the legitimate stage. This consists in saying -to Central, "Yes, I want two-four-six-thr-r-re-e," the most notable -advance in dramatic art since the invention of the inflated bladder.) - -Restoration of lost memory and discovery of hiding-place of lost -documents, 10 seconds. - -Orator sways hostile audience, 15 seconds. - -Detailed plan for robbing Metropolitan Museum formulated by six -conspirators, 15 seconds. - -Twenty years pass, 2 seconds. - - - - -XXXI - -MARCUS AURELIUS, 1914 - - -Let me exaggerate! For in exaggeration there is life and the punch that -makes for progress. Whereas no man can manifestly qualify as a live wire -who sees things as they are. - -Let me exaggerate the number of millions of bacteria to the cubic -centimetre in our morning milk; and the hosts of virulent bacilli that -make their encampment on the unlaundered dollar-bill; and the -anti-social micro-organisms that beset the common drinking-cup. - -Let me exaggerate the virtue of assiduously and courageously swatting -the common house-fly. - -Let me exaggerate the grey and monotonous life of the poor, forgetting -the children who dance to the sound of the hurdy-gurdy; and the mothers -who smile over their babies in tenement cradles, and the lovers in the -parks, and the May parties, and the millions who patronise the -moving-picture theatres, and the millions in Coney Island. - -Let me exaggerate the grinding, crushing, withering speed of modern -industry, forgetting the hundreds of thousands who throng the baseball -parks and the additional millions who study the score boards on Park -Row. - -Let me exaggerate the number of children who go breakfastless to school, -since nothing less than 25,000 gets into the newspaper headlines; and -the wickedness of regularly ordained clergymen who marry people without -asking for a physician's certificate; and the peril of helping an old -lady up the Subway steps lest she turn out to be a recruiter of white -slaves. - -Let me exaggerate the blessings of an age when babies shall be born -without adenoids and tonsils, and shall develop just as automatically -into clear-eyed little Boy Scouts and Camp-fire Girls. - -Let me exaggerate! Teach me that outlook upon life which the highbrow -pragmatists describe as the will to believe, and the low-brow describes -as pipe dreams! Save me from those twin devils, the Sense of Humour and -the Sense of Proportion; for in common sense is stagnation and death, -but progress lies in exaggeration! - - - - -XXXII - -BY THE TURN OF A HAND - - -In seven different ways has the world been on the point of being -regenerated since the Spanish-American War. For the completeness with -which the world has been reconstructed consult the current files of the -newspapers. - -The world was to be made over by the bicycle. The strap-hanger was to -abandon his strap and ride joyfully down the Broadway cable-slot, -snapping his fingers at traction magnates and imbibing ozone. The -factory-hand was to abandon his city flat and live in the open country, -going to and from his work through the green lanes at fifteen miles an -hour, with his lunch on the handle bars. The old were to grow young -again and the young were to dream close to the heart of Nature. The -doctors were to perish of starvation. But where is the bicycle to-day? - -The world was to be made over by jiu-jitsu. Elderly gentlemen were to -regain the waistline of their youth by ten minutes' attention every -morning to the secrets of the Samurai. Slim young women, when attacked -by heavy ruffians, were to seize their assailants by the wrist and hurl -them over the right shoulder. The police were to discard their revolvers -and their night sticks, and suppress rioters by mere muscular -contraction. The doctors, as before, were to grow extinct through the -rapid process of starvation. But where is jiu-jitsu to-day? - -The world was to be regenerated by denatured alcohol. Congress had -merely to remove the internal revenue tax and a new motive power would -be let loose, far transcending the total available horsepower of our -coal mines. Denatured alcohol was to drive the farmer's machines, propel -our war automobiles, run our factories, and reduce the cost of living to -a ridiculous minimum. But where is denatured alcohol to-day? - -The world was to be redeemed by the bungalow. The landlord was to -disappear and in his place would come a race of free-men bowing the head -to no man and raising their own vegetables. Kitchen drudgery was to be -eliminated by the simple device of abolishing the kitchen and calling it -a kitchenette. With no more stairs to climb, rheumatism would pass into -history. So would the doctors. The bungalow is still with us, and alas, -so are the doctors. - -The world was to be regenerated by sour milk; by the simple life; by -sleeping in the open air. But where now are Prof. Metchnikoff and Pastor -Wagner? And the pictures of rose-embowered sleeping porches in the -garden magazines have been supplanted by pictures of colonial farmhouses -transformed into charming interiors by two coats of white-wash and a -thin-paper edition of the classics. - -Does this show that we must give up all hope of seeing a new world -around us before 1915? By no means. We still have Eugenics. - - - - -XXXIII - -THE QUARRY SLAVE - - -The tired business man leaves his home in the country just in time to -catch the next train. By ten o'clock, at the latest, he is in his -office, having ridden up to the thirteenth floor in an express elevator -and so gained a distinct advantage over his London competitors who are -in the habit of walking up to their offices on the third floor. He finds -his mail opened and sorted on his desk. He glances over the most -important letters, puts aside those requiring immediate attention, and -has his shoes shined. At eleven o'clock he calls up on the telephone -and, in the course of fifteen minutes' conversation, transacts a great -deal of business which has to be confirmed by letter. His father would -merely have written the letter. - -Ignoring the primary rule of health which forbids the mingling of work -and recreation, he makes a business appointment for lunch, and between -one o'clock and half-past three he puts through a deal on which his -father would have spent at least half an hour during his busiest hours. -Returning to his office he dictates several letters which he dictated -the day before and into which a number of vital errors have been -introduced in the course of transcription. This necessitates repeated -reference to a card catalogue, an operation which takes some time -because the young man in charge has been brought up on the phonetic -system and experiences some difficulty in determining the proper place -of the letter G in the alphabet. From 3:30 to 4:30 the business man is -interviewed by an agent who demonstrates the merits of a new -labour-saving letter file. Donning his overcoat hastily he runs to make -an express which takes eight minutes to reach Grand Central Station, -whereas the local trains sometimes take as much as eleven minutes. - -Later, exhausted by his efforts of the day, he just manages to purchase -two seats on the aisle from a speculator, and staggers to his chair at -8:30 as the curtain rises on the first act of "The Girl and the -Eskimo." - - - - -XXXIV - -MONOTONY OF THE POLES - -(AT A FIVE O'CLOCK TEA) - - -The Lady: It's so good of you to come. It must be wonderful to have been -at the Pole. Do you know, when the news first reached us, I was so -excited I insisted on calling up all my friends on the telephone and -asking them if they had heard. It must have been a wonderful trip. Won't -you sit down and tell us all about it? - -The Explorer: Thank you. We left our winter camp in latitude 83 degrees -7 minutes on October 24, with five men, four sledges, and thirty-two -dogs. The long wait was spent in laying in stocks of seal-meat for the -dogs, constructing sledges, breaking the dogs to harness, making -meteorological observations, bathing, sleeping, and attending to the -dogs. In the cold of the Polar night, work moves on rather slowly, but -I always enjoyed the restful half-hour I devoted to winding up my watch. -On August 24 we caught the first sign of spring. - -The Lady: Of course. - -The Explorer: But it was not till October 24 that the sun rose and the -Polar day began. - -The Lady: How very interesting! - -The Explorer: We had been getting impatient. We were afraid the dogs -would grow too fat. We were glad when the edge of the sun's disk showed -above the horizon. - -The Lady: It must have been like the first day of creation; it must have -been like the radiant illumination of a great love. - -The Explorer: It was indeed. We immediately harnessed the dogs and set -out. The sledges had been loaded several days before. The dogs were in -excellent physical condition. The ice was smooth. The temperature was -minus 28 degrees Centigrade. What this is when expressed in terms of -Fahrenheit, madam, you will of course readily ascertain for yourself by -multiplying by 9, dividing by 5, and subtracting 32. - -The Lady: It is all too wonderful! - -The Explorer: On our first day's march we covered forty-three -kilometres, the kilometre being equal, as you are aware, to .62121 of a -mile. Part of the way we rode upon the sledges. Then the ice grew rough, -and we took to our skis. We camped in 83 degrees 29 minutes, and built -an igloo, which you will recall is a hut made of ice-blocks and snow. -First we fed the dogs. The daily ration for the dogs was one and a half -kilogrammes of seal-meat, the kilogramme, I need not tell you, being -equal to 2.2046 pounds. Then we turned in. - -The Lady: Your first night in the unknown! - -The Explorer: As you say, madam. The next day we camped in 83 degrees 53 -minutes, fed the dogs as usual, and built an igloo. The day after, we -camped in 84 degrees 29 minutes and built another igloo, after feeding -the dogs. Nothing happened for the next ten days. The dogs were in good -condition. The sledges held well. We made an average daily march of 36 -kilometres. But on the eleventh day, at the conclusion of a fairly good -march, one of the dogs in sledge number 2--we called him -Skraal--attacked and bit a dog we called Ragnar. We parted them with -great difficulty. The two days that followed were uneventful, but on the -third day Ragnar attacked and bit Skraal. We had to club them apart. On -the fifteenth day out Ragnar and Skraal attacked and bit a third dog -named Skalder, but he eventually recovered. That was in latitude 85 -degrees 87 minutes, at an altitude of 3,700 feet, and the temperature -was minus 27 degrees Centigrade. It occurred just after we had finished -building an igloo and were preparing to feed the dogs. - -The Lady: And always you were drawing nearer the goal! - -The Explorer: Naturally, madam. All this time we were busy laying down -depots of food for the dogs and the men. Because once we reached the -goal we must, of course, get back as fast as we could. We built a depot -at every degree of latitude, or, roughly speaking, every 100 kilometres. -Our depot in latitude 87 degrees 25 minutes was situated amidst very -picturesque surroundings. - -The Lady: In that wonderful landscape! - -The Explorer: Yes, the spot had some very extraordinary ice-formations. -Setting out from that point we marched 37 kilometres over rough ice, fed -the dogs, and built an igloo. The next day we marched 70 kilometres over -smooth ice, and, having attended to the dogs, built another igloo. The -next day we marched 50 kilometres over ice that was partly rough and -partly smooth, and had a good night's rest, after putting up an igloo -and caring for the dogs. The next day the ice was very soft, and the -dogs hung back and complained. However, we managed to cover 27 -kilometres that day, reaching 88 degrees 14 minutes. There we camped -and-- - -The Lady: And built another igloo! - -The Explorer: No, madam, a food depot. It was on the following day that -I first had reason to feel anxious for my men. Skaarmund, my chief -assistant, froze his ears. That was in latitude 88 degrees 36 minutes, -and the temperature was minus 40 degrees Centigrade. After being -vigorously rubbed for several minutes, he was all right again. Almost -immediately Knudsen complained of headache and we had to give him some -phenacetine. Half an hour later Lanstrup fell down a crevice in the ice. - -The Lady: Horrors! - -The Explorer: Fortunately the crevice was only two feet deep, and after -we had applied peroxide and vaseline, Lanstrup was as well as ever. -Owing to the high altitude we all experienced some difficulty in -breathing. It was very much like being stalled on a crowded train in -your Subway. It was our ambition to reach the Pole on the fifth day -after, because that was our national holiday. But we found the going too -rough. However, we celebrated the day by giving an extra -half-kilogramme of seal-meat to the dogs and a whole cup of coffee to -the men. Skaarmund had some cigarettes hidden about his person and we -smoked and took an extra hour's rest. Two days later, we were at the -Pole. - -The Lady: Where no man's foot had trod before! Alone amidst that -infinite stretch of virgin snow! - -The Explorer: Quite so, madam. Immediately after taking observations and -noting the temperature and the velocity of the wind, we built an igloo -and picketed the dogs. We remained there for three days, taking -additional observations, repairing the sledges, and resting up the dogs. -On the third day after we raised the flag over the Pole, we set out on -our return journey. - -The Lady: What thoughts must have been yours! You were coming back with -the prize of the centuries, to find the world at your feet. - -The Explorer: Exactly, madam. Not one of the dogs had failed us. Having -said farewell to the flag waving proudly at the apex of the globe, we -marched fifty-two kilometres. At the end of the march we built an igloo -and fed the dogs. At the end of the next day's march we killed two dogs: -we gave one to the other dogs, and the other we ate ourselves. It tasted -not unlike fresh veal. The following morning we had hardly commenced our -march when Malstrom cut his foot on a sharp piece of ice which -penetrated his boot. We washed his foot out with witch hazel and made -him ride for a mile or two on a sledge. The pain thereupon disappeared. -At exactly 89 degrees we built an igloo and slept for ten hours in one -stretch. Rising, we killed a dog for breakfast, took our observations, -and set out. Malstrom's foot gave him no trouble. That day we camped at -88 degrees 23 minutes, built another igloo, and killed another dog. Our -appetites were very active. On the way to the Pole we had allowed -ourselves two and one-half kilos of food per day. Now we were consuming -over four kilos a day. - -The Lady: Fancy eating four kilometres a day. - -The Explorer: No, madam, kilogrammes. But at the same time we were -travelling at a much faster pace; one day our record was ninety. - -The Lady: That was a great deal, wasn't it, ninety kilogrammes a day? - -The Explorer: No, madam, kilometres. And in this manner we arrived -safely at our winter camp. Five days later we were on board our ship, on -the way to civilisation. - -The Lady: How happy you must have been! - -The Explorer: We were. But perhaps madam may be interested in some of -the photographs illustrating incidents of our journey to the Pole? - -The Lady: How can you ask! - -The Explorer: This picture, you will see, shows our permanent camp, -situated in the midst of a snow plain stretching to the horizon in every -direction. This is a picture of the South Pole, similarly situated, you -will observe, in the midst of a snow plain stretching as far as the eye -can see. This is the sledge upon which I travelled to the Pole. The next -picture shows the same sledge viewed from the rear and a little to one -side, and this is still the same sledge as seen at a distance of 200 -feet to the left and from a slight elevation. The next picture shows the -sledge with its load, and the one after that shows the load itself -resting close to the walls of an igloo which is just going up. In this -picture you see the igloo completed and with the dogs lying in front. -The next picture shows the same group of dogs with two of the leaders -missing. The next two pictures show the sledge as it was before the -accident and after. The remaining pictures deal with similar subjects. - -The Lady: This has been so delightful! Do you know, your English -pronunciation is wonderful for a foreigner! - -THE END - - - - - - -End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Post-Impressions, by Simeon Strunsky - -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK POST-IMPRESSIONS *** - -***** This file should be named 40232-8.txt or 40232-8.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: - http://www.gutenberg.org/4/0/2/3/40232/ - -Produced by Annie R. McGuire. This book was produced from -scanned images of public domain material from the Google -Print archive. - - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions -will be renamed. - -Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no -one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation -(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without -permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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