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diff --git a/40209-0.txt b/40209-0.txt index 1d43b78..1347c77 100644 --- a/40209-0.txt +++ b/40209-0.txt @@ -1,23 +1,4 @@ -The Project Gutenberg EBook of Marriage In Free Society, by Edward Carpenter - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with -almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or -re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included -with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org - - -Title: Marriage In Free Society - -Author: Edward Carpenter - -Release Date: July 11, 2012 [EBook #40209] - -Language: English - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MARRIAGE IN FREE SOCIETY *** - - - +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 40209 *** Produced by David Widger @@ -1028,358 +1009,4 @@ learn it. 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You may copy it, give it away or -re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included -with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org - - -Title: Marriage In Free Society - -Author: Edward Carpenter - -Release Date: July 11, 2012 [EBook #40209] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MARRIAGE IN FREE SOCIETY *** - - - - -Produced by David Widger - - - - - -MARRIAGE - -IN FREE SOCIETY: - -By Edward Carpenter - -1894 - - - - -MARRIAGE - - - - -I. - -OF the great mystery of human Love, and that most intimate personal -relation of two souls to each other--perhaps the firmest, most basic -and indissoluble fact (after our own existence) that we know; of -that strange sense--often, perhaps generally, instantaneous--of long -precedent familiarity and kinship, that deep reliance on and acceptation -of another in his or her entirety; of the tremendous strength of the -chain which thus at times will bind two hearts in lifelong dedication -and devotion, persuading and indeed not seldom compelling the persons -concerned to the sacrifice of some of the other elements of their lives -and characters; and, withal, of a certain inscrutable veiledness from -each other which so frequently accompanies the relation of the -opposite sexes, and which forms at once the abiding charm, and the -pain--sometimes the tragedy--of their union; of this palpitating winged -living thing, which one may perhaps call the real Marriage--I would say -but little; for indeed it is only fitting or possible to speak of it by -indirect language and suggestion, nor may one venture to rudely drag it -from its sanctuary into the light of the common gaze. - -Compared with this, the actual marriage, in its squalid perversity as -we too often have occasion of knowing it, is as the wretched idol of the -savage to the reality which it is supposed to represent; and one seems -to hear the Aristophanic laughter of the gods as they contemplate man's -little clay image of the Heavenly Love--which, cracked in the fire of -daily life, he is fain to bind together with rusty hoops of law, and -parchment bands, lest it should crumble and fall to pieces altogether. - -The whole subject, wide as life itself--as Heaven and Hell--eludes -anything like adequate treatment, and we need make no apology for -narrowing down our considerations here to just a few practical -points; and if we cannot navigate upward into the very heart of the -matter--namely, into the causes which make some people love each other -with a true and perfect love, and others unite in obedience to but a -counterfeit passion--yet we may fairly, I imagine, and with profit, -study some of the conditions which give to actual marriage its present -form, or which in the future are likely to provide real affection with a -more satisfactory expression than it has as a rule to-day. - -Yet the subject, even so limited, is one on which it is extremely -difficult to get a calm audience. Marriage customs (however much they -may differ from race to race) are at any one time and among any one folk -remarkably tenacious, being sanctioned by almost a violence of public -opinion; and as in the case of theology or politics, their mere -discussion is liable to infuriate people--perhaps from the very fact -that the subject is so complex and so deeply rooted in personal feeling. -Nevertheless--since alterations have to take place in these as in other -customs, and since, as many things indicate, we are moving towards a -distinct period of change in matters matrimonial--it would seem that the -more rationally we can survey these questions beforehand, the better. - -It will probably be felt that certain present difficulties in the -marriage-relation are not merely casual or local, but are deeply -intertwined with a long series of historical causes, which have led up -to that exaggerated differentiation, and consequent misunderstanding, -between the sexes, of which we have spoken in a former paper.* Behind -the relation of any individual man and woman to each other stands the -historical age-evolved relation of the two sexes generally, spreading -round and enclosing the former on all sides, and creating the social -environment from which the individuals can hardly escape. Two young -people in the present day may come together, but their relation is -already largely determined by causes over which they have no control. - - * Woman: Labour Press Society, Manchester. - -As a rule they know but little of each other; society has kept the two -sexes apart; the boy and the girl have been brought up along different -lines; they hardly understand each other's nature; their mental -interests and occupations are different; and as they grow up their -worldly interests and advantage are seen to be different, often opposed; -public opinion separates their spheres and their rights and their -duties, and their honor and their dishonor* very sharply from each -other. The subject of sex is a sealed book to the girl; to the youth -it is possibly a book whose most dismal page has been opened first; in -either case with its very mention is probably connected a painful and -irrational sense of wickedness. - -In this state of confusion of mind, of mutual misunderstanding, and -often of suffering, the Sex-glamor suddenly descends upon the two -individuals and drives them into each other's arms. It envelopes in a -gracious and misty halo all their differences and misapprehensions. They -marry without misgiving; and their hearts overflow with gratitude to -the white-surpliced old gentleman who reads the service over them. It is -only at a later hour, and with calmer thought, that they realise that -it is a life-sentence which he has so suavely passed upon them--not -reducible (as in the case of ordinary convicts) even to a term of 20 -years. - - * See Webster's Dictionary, which gives as one of the - meanings of Honor, "any particular virtue much valued, as - bravery in men and chastity in females." - -The married life, in so strange and casual a way begun, or drifted -into, is hardly, one might think, likely to turn out well. Sometimes, of -course, it does; but in many cases, perhaps the majority, there follows -a painful awakening. A brief burst of satisfaction, accompanied, -probably through sheer ignorance, by gross neglect of the law of -transmutation; satiety on the physical plane, followed by vacuity of -affection on the higher planes, and that succeeded by boredom, and even -nausea; the girl, full perhaps of a tender emotion, and missing the -sympathy and consolation she expected in the man's love, only to find -its more materialistic side--"This, this then is what I am wanted for." -The man, who looked for a companion, finding he can rouse no -mortal interest in his wife's mind save in the most exasperating -trivialities;--whatever the cause may be, a veil has fallen from -before their faces, and there they sit, held together now by the least -honorable interests, the interests which they themselves can least -respect, but to which Law and Religion lend all their weight. The -monetary dependence of the woman, the mere sex-needs of the man, the -fear of public opinion, all form motives, and motives of the meanest -kind, for maintaining the seeming tie; and the relation of the two -hardens down into a dull neutrality, in which lives and characters are -narrowed and blunted, and deceit becomes the common weapon which guards -divided interests. - -A sad picture! and of course in this case a portrayal deliberately of -the seamy side of the matter. But who shall make light of the agonies -often gone through in those first few years of married life? - -It may be said--and often of course is said--that such cases as these -only prove that marriage was entered into under the influence of a -passing glamor and delusion, and that there was not much real devotion -to begin with. And no doubt there is truth enough in such remarks. -But--we may say in reply--because two young people make a mistake in -youth, to condemn them, for that reason, to lifelong suffering and -mutual degradation, or to see them so condemned, without proposing any -hope or way of deliverance, but with the one word "serves you right" on -the lips, is a course which can commend itself only to the grimmest and -dullest Calvinist. Whatever safe-guards against a too frivolous view -of the relationship may be proposed by the good sense of society in -the future, it is certain that the time has gone past when Marriage -can continue to be regarded as a supernatural institution to whose -maintenance human bodies and souls must be indiscriminately sacrificed; -a humaner, wiser, and less panic-stricken treatment of the subject must -set in; and if there are difficulties in the way they must be met by -patient and calm consideration of human welfare--superior to any law, -however ancient and respectable. - -I take it then that, without disguising the fact that the question is -a complex one, and that our conclusions may be only very tentative, we -have to consider as rationally as we conveniently can, first, some of -the drawbacks or defects of the present marriage-customs, and secondly -such improvements in these as may suggest themselves to us, and as may -seem feasible. - -And if we turn to the question of how things stand in the present day, -one of the first points to strike us--and one that we have already -touched on in another paper*--is the serious want of any special -teaching to young folk on matters of love and sex, and the -responsibility resting on parents and teachers to supply this want. That -one ought to distinguish a passing sex-spell from a true comradeship and -devotion is no doubt a wise remark, but that it is often difficult, even -for adults, to do so makes it all the more necessary that young people -should have some rational ideas on the subject, and above all that they -should get some understanding of the nature of that true love which -alone can make marriage a success. The search for a fitting mate, -especially among the more sensitive and highly-organised types of -mankind, is a most complex affair. And it is indeed hard that the -young man or woman should have to set out--as they mostly have to do -to-day--on this difficult quest without a word of suggestion or help, -as to the choice of the way or the very real perplexites and doubts that -beset it. - - *Sex-Love, and its place in a Free Society. Labour Press, - Manchester. - -Then, besides this more general teaching, it is also highly necessary -that those in question should have some knowledge of the use and -guardianship of their own sex-functions. If the youth and girl whom we -have supposed as about to be married had been brought up in almost any -tribe of savages, they would a few years previously have gone through -regular offices of initiation into manhood and womanhood, during which -time ceremonies (possibly indecent in our eyes) would at any rate have -made many misapprehensions impossible. As it is, the civilised girl is -led to the 'altar;' often in uttermost ignorance and misunderstanding -as to the nature of the sacrificial rites about to be consummated. The -youth too (does it not seem strange?) has never been taught how to use -the female in this most important moment of their joint lives. Perhaps -he is unaware that love in the female is, in a sense, more diffused than -in the male, less specially sexual; that it dwells longer in caresses -and embraces, and determines itself more slowly towards the reproductive -system. Impatient, he injures and horrifies his partner, and -unconsciously perhaps aggravates the very hysterical tendency which -marriage might and should have allayed.* - -Among the middle and well-to-do classes especially, the conditions of -high civilisation, by inducing an overfed masculinity in the males and -a nervous and hysterical tendency in the females,** increase the -difficulties mentioned; and it is among the 'classes' too that public -opinion, largely by repressing the utterance and ignoring the existence -of sex-feeling, has created the special evils of sex-starvation and -sex-ignorance on the one hand, and of mere licentiousness on the other. - - * It must be remembered too that to many women (though of - course by no means a majority) the thought of Sex brings - little sense of pleasure, and the fulfilment of its duties - constitutes a real, even though a willing, sacrifice. - - ** Thus Bebel in his book on Woman speaks of "the idle and - luxuriant life of so many women in the upper classes, the - nervous stimulant afforded by exquisite perfumes, the over- - dosing with poetry, music, the stage--which is regarded as - the chief means of education, and is the chief occupation, - of a sex already suffering from hypertrophy of nerves and - sensibility." - -Among the comparatively uncivilised mass of the people, where a good -deal of familiarity between the sexes exists before marriage, and -where indeed marriage not unfrequently follows on sex-connection, these -special evils are not so prominent. But among the masses the crying need -for some sensible and coherent teaching for the young is only too -clear; and it is perhaps among the masses that the neglect of the law of -transmutation works to more evil results than among the classes; since -among the former--sex-intercourse being comparatively accessible, -and obstacles to marriage (from monetary and other considerations) -comparatively infrequent--the feeling is liable to flow far too much -along the mere physical channels; and the romance and sweet comradeship -of love, especially after marriage, comes too often to be replaced by an -inert and indeed rather brutish sentiment of simple juxtaposition. - -So far with regard to difficulties arising from personal ignorance or -inexperience in youth. But stretching beyond and around all these are -those other difficulties which are due to the marked special relation of -the woman to the man in civilised society generally, and of the man to -the woman; and which arise from deep-lying historic and economic causes. -Into the large subject of these causes it is not necessary to enter -here. Suffice it to say that the difference in physical strength -between the sexes, together with woman's disability during the period of -child-birth and rearing, gave man from early times an advantage, which -complicating itself during the historical period has ultimated (though -not of course in the present day only) in what may be called the slavery -of woman, her subordination to man, and dependence on him for the means -of subsistence; the result being that, till a comparatively few years -ago, the woman was condemned to the most special and indeed narrow -sphere of life and action; her education, as for this sphere, was most -limited, and quite different from that of the man; and her interests -were wholly diverse from and often quite opposed to his. Under these -circumstances there was naturally little common ground for Marriage, -_except_ sex. And the same remains largely true even down to to-day. The -sex-needs once satisfied, and the emotional charm weakened or undone, -man and wife not unfrequently wake up with something like dismay to find -how little they have left in common; to find that they have nothing in -which they can take interest together; that they cannot work at the same -things, that they cannot read the same books, that they cannot keep up -half-an-hour's conversation together on any topic, and that secretly -they are cherishing their own thoughts and projects quite apart from -each other. - -It must suffice too to remind the reader quite briefly that this -divergence has crept deep down into the moral and intellectual natures -of the two sexes, exaggerating the naturally complementary relation of -the male and female into a painful caricature of strength on the one -hand and dependence on the other. This is well seen in the ordinary -marriage-relation of the common-prayer-book type. The frail and delicate -female is supposed to cling round the sturdy husband's form, or to -depend from his arm in graceful incapacity; and the spectator is called -upon to admire the charming effect of the union--as of the ivy with the -oak--forgetful of the terrible moral, namely, that (in the case of the -trees at any rate) it is really a death-struggle which is going on, -in which either the oak must perish suffocated in the embraces of its -partner, or in order to free the former into anything like healthy -development the ivy must be sacrificed. - -Too often of course of such marriages the egoism, lordship and physical -satisfaction of the man are the chief motive causes. The woman is -practically sacrificed to the part of the maintenance of these male -virtues. It is for her to spend her days in little forgotten details -of labor and anxiety for the sake of the man's superior comfort and -importance, to give up her needs to his whims, to 'humour' him in all -ways she can; it is for her to wipe her mind clear of all opinions in -order that she may hold it up as a kind of mirror in which he may behold -reflected his lordly self; and it is for her to sacrifice even her -physical health and natural instincts in deference to what is called her -'duty' to her husband. - -How bitterly _alone_ many such a woman feels! She has dreamed of being -folded in the arms of a strong man, and surrendering herself, her life, -her mind, her all, to his service. Of course it is an unhealthy dream, -an illusion, a mere luxury of love; and it is destined to be dashed. -She has to learn that self-surrender may be just as great a crime as -self-assertion. She finds that her very willingness to be sacrificed -only fosters in the man, perhaps for his own self-defence, the egotism -and coldness that so cruelly wound her. - -For how often does he with keen prevision see that if he gives way from -his coldness the clinging dependent creature will infallibly overgrow -and smother him!--that she will cut her woman-friends, will throw aside -all her own interests and pursuits in order to 'devote' herself to him, -and, affording no sturdy character of her own in which _he_ can take any -interest, will hang the festoons of her affection on every ramification -of his wretched life--nor leave him a corner free--till he perishes -from all manhood and social or heroic uses into a mere matrimonial -clothespeg, a warning and a wonderment to passers by! - -However, as a third alternative, it sometimes happens that the Woman, -too wise to sacrifice her own life indiscriminately to the egoism of -her husband, and not caring for the 'festoon' method, adopts the middle -course of _appearing_ to minister to him while really pursuing her -own purposes. She cultivates the gentle science of indirectness. While -holding up a mirror for the Man to admire himself in, _behind that -mirror_ she goes her own way and carries out her own designs, separate -from him; and while sacrificing her body to his wants, she does so quite -deliberately and for a definite reason, namely, because she has found -out that she can so get a shelter for herself and her children, and can -solve the problem of that maintenance which society has hitherto denied -to her in her own right. For indeed by a cruel fate women have -been placed in exactly that position where the sacrifice of their -self-respect for base motives has easily passed beyond a temptation into -being a necessity. They have had to live, and have too often only been -able to do so by selling themselves into bondage to the man. Willing or -unwilling, overworked or dying, they have had to bear children to the -caprice of their lords; and in this serf-life their very natures have -been blunted; they have lost--what indeed should be the very glory and -crown of woman's being--the perfect freedom and the purity of their -love. - -At this whole spectacle of woman's degradation the human male has looked -on with stupid and open-mouthed indifference--as an ox might look on at -a drowning oxherd--not even dimly divining that his own fate was somehow -involved. He has calmly and obliviously watched the woman drift farther -and farther away from him, till at last, with the loss of an intelligent -and mutual understanding between the sexes, Love with unequal wings has -fallen lamed to the ground. Yet it would be idle to deny that even in -such a state of affairs as that depicted, men and women have in the past -and do often even now find some degree of satisfaction--simply indeed -because their types of character are such as belong to, and have been -evolved in accordance with, this relation. - -To-day, however, there are thousands of women--and everyday more -thousands--to whom such a lopsided alliance is detestable; who are -determined that they will no longer endure the arrogant lordship and -egoism of men, nor countenance in themselves or other women the craft -and servility which are the necessary complements of the relation; who -see too clearly in the oak-and-ivy marriage its parasitism on the -one hand and strangulation on the other to be sensible of any -picturesqueness; who feel too that they have capacities and powers of -their own which need space and liberty, and some degree of sympathy and -help, for their unfolding; and who believe that they have work to do -in the world, as important in its own way as any that men do in theirs. -Such women have broken into open warfare--not against marriage, but -against a marriage which makes true and equal love an impossibility. -They feel that as long as women are economically dependent they _cannot_ -stand up for themselves and insist on those rights which men from -stupidity and selfishness will not voluntarily grant them. - -On the other hand there are thousands--and one would hope every day more -thousands--of men who (whatever their forerunners may have thought) do -_not_ desire or think it delightful to have a glass continually held up -for them to admire themselves in; who look for a partner in whose life -and pursuits they can find some interest, rather than for one who has no -interest but in them; who think perhaps that they would rather minister -than be (like a monkey fed with nuts in a cage) the melancholy object of -another person's ministrations; and who at any rate feel that love, in -order to be love at all, must be absolutely open and sincere, and -free from any sentiment of dependence or inequality. They see that the -present cramped condition of women is not only the cause of the false -relation between the sexes, but that it is the fruitful source--through -its debarment of any common interests--of that fatal boredom of which we -have spoken, and which is the bugbear of marriage; and they would gladly -surrender all of that masterhood and authority which is supposed to be -their due, if they could only get in return something like a frank and -level comradeship. - -Thus while we see in the present inequality of the sexes an undoubted -source of marriage troubles and unsatisfactory alliances, we see also -forces at work which are tending to reaction, and to bringing the two -nearer again to each other--so that while differentiated they will not -perhaps in the future be quite so _much_ differentiated as now, but -only to a degree which will enhance and adorn, instead of destroy, their -sense of mutual sympathy. - -There is another point which ought to be considered as contributing -to the ill-success of many marriages, and which no doubt is closely -connected with that just discussed--but which deserves separate -treatment. I mean the harshness of the line which social opinion (at any -rate in this country) draws round the married pair with respect to their -relations to outsiders. On the one hand, and within the matrimonial -relation, society allows practically the utmost passional excess or -indulgence, and condones it; on the other hand (I am speaking of the -middling bulk of the people, not of the extreme aristocratic and slum -classes) beyond that limit, the slightest familiarity, or any expression -of affection which might by any possibility be interpreted as deriving -from sexual feeling, is sternly anathematised. - -Marriage, by a kind of absurd fiction, is represented as an oasis -situated in the midst of an arid desert--in which latter, it is -pretended, neither of the two parties is so fortunate as to find any -objects of real affectional interest. If they do they have carefully to -conceal the same from the other party. - -The result of this convention is obvious enough. The married pair, -thus _driven_ as well as drawn into closest continual contact with each -other, are put through an ordeal which might well cause the stoutest -affection to quail. Not only, as already pointed out, have the man and -the wife too few joint interests in the great world, few common plans, -projects, purposes, 'causes,' recreations; but--by this insistance of -public opinion--all outside interests of a _personal_ nature, except of -the most abstract kind, are also debarred; if there happens to be -any natural jealousy in the case it is heightened and made the more -imperative; and unless the contracting parties are fortunate enough to -be, both of them, of such a temperament that they are capable of strong -attachments to persons of their own sex--and this does not always -exclude jealousy--they must be condemned to have no intimate friendships -of any kind except what they can find at their own fireside. - -It is necessary here to point out, not only how dull a place this makes -the home, but also how narrowing it acts on the lives of the married -pair. However appropriate the union may be in itself it cannot be good -that it should degenerate--as it tends to degenerate so often, and where -man and wife are most faithful to each other, into a mere _égoisme -à deux_. And right enough no doubt as a great number of such unions -actually are, it must be confessed that the bourgeois marriage as a -rule, and just in its most successful and pious and respectable form, -carries with it an odious sense of Stuffiness and narrowness, moral and -intellectual; and that the type of Family which it provides is too -often like that which is disclosed when on turning over a large stone we -disturb an insect. Home that seldom sees the light. - -But in cases where the marriage does not happen to be particularly -successful or unsuccessful, when perhaps a true but not overpoweringly -intense affection is satiated at a needlessly early stage by the -continual and unrelieved impingement of the two personalities on -each other, then the boredom resulting is something frightful to -contemplate--and all the more so because of the genuine affection behind -it, which contemplates with horror its own suicide. The weary couples -that may be seen at seaside places and pleasure resorts--the respectable -working-man with his wife trailing along by his side, or the highly -respectable stock-jobber arm-in-arm with his better and larger -half--their blank faces, utter want of any common topic of conversation -which has not been exhausted a thousand times already, and their obvious -relief when the hour comes which will take them back to their several -and divided occupations--these illustrate sufficiently what I mean. The -curious thing is that jealousy (accentuated as it is by social opinion) -sometimes increases in exact proportion to mutual boredom; and there are -thousands of cases of married couples leading a cat-and-dog life, and -knowing that they weary each other to distraction, who for that very -reason dread all the more to lose sight of each other, and thus never -get a chance of that holiday from their own society, and renewal of -outside interests, which would make a genuine affectional association -possible. - -Thus the sharpness of the line which society draws around the pair, and -the kind of fatal snap-of-the-lock with which marriage suddenly cuts -them off from the world, not only precluding the two, as might fairly be -thought advisable, from sexual, but also barring any openly affectional -relations with outsiders, and corroborating the selfish sense of -monopoly which each has in the other,--these things lead inevitably to -the narrowing down of lives and the blunting of general human interests, -to intense mutual ennui, and when (as an escape from these evils) -outside relations are covertly indulged in, to prolonged and systematic -deceit. - -From all which the only conclusion seems to be that marriage must be -either alive or dead. As a dead thing it can of course be petrified into -a hard and fast formula, but if it is to be a living bond, that living -bond must be trusted to, to hold the lovers together; nor be too -forcibly stiffened and contracted by private jealousy and public -censorship, lest the thing that it would preserve for us perish so, -and cease altogether to be beautiful. It is the same with this as with -everything else. If we would have a living thing, we must give that -thing some degree of liberty--even though liberty bring with it risk. If -we would debar all liberty and all risk, then we can have only the mummy -and dead husk of the thing. - -Thus far I have had the somewhat invidious task, but perhaps necessary -as a preliminary one, of dwelling on the defects and drawbacks of the -present marriage system. I am sensible that, with due discretion, some -things might have been said, which have not been said, in its praise; -its successful, instead of its unsuccessful, instances might have been -cited; and taking for granted the dependence of women, and other points -which have already been sufficiently discussed--it might have been -possible to show that the bourgeois arrangement was on the whole as -satisfactory as could be expected. But such a course would neither have -been sincere, nor have served any practical purpose. In view of the -actually changing relations between the sexes, it is obvious that -changes in the form of the marriage institution are impending, and the -questions which are really pressing on folks' mind are: What are those -changes going to be; and, Of what kind do we wish them to be? - -In answer to the last question it is not improbable that the casual -reader might suppose the writer of these pages to be in favor of a -general and indiscriminate loosening of all ties--for indeed it is -always easy to draw a large inference even from a careful expression. - -But such a conclusion would be rash. There is little doubt, I think, -that the compulsion of the marriage-tie (whether moral, social, -or merely legal) acts beneficially in a considerable number of -cases--though it is obvious that the more the compelling force takes a -moral or social form and the less purely legal it is, the better; -and that any changes which led to a cheap and continual transfer of -affections from one object to another would be disastrous both to the -character and happiness of a population. While we are bound to see -that the marriage-relation--in order to become the indwelling-place of -Love--must be made far more _free_ than it is at present, we may also -recognise that a certain amount of external pressure is not (as things -are at least) without its uses: that, for instance, it tends on the -whole to concentrate affectional experience and romance on one object, -and that though this may mean a loss at times in breadth it means a gain -in depth and intensity; that, in many cases, if it were not for some -kind of bond, the two parties, after their first passion for each other -was past, and when the unavoidable period of friction had set in, might -in a moment of irritation easily fly apart, whereas being forced for -a while to tolerate each other's defects they learn thereby one of the -best lessons of life--a tender forbearance and gentleness, which as time -goes on does not unfrequently deepen again into a more pure and perfect -love even than at first--a love founded indeed on the first physical -intimacy, but concentrated and intensified by years of linked -experience, of twined associations, of shared labors, and of mutual -forgiveness; and in the third place that the existence of a distinct tie -or pledge discredits the easily-current idea that mere pleasure-seeking -is to be the object of the association of the sexes--a phantasmal and -delusive notion, which if it once got its head, and the bit between its -teeth, might soon dash the car of human advance in ruin to the ground. - -But having said thus much, it is obvious that external public opinion -and pressure are looked upon only as having an _educational_ value; -and the question arises whether there is beneath this any _reality_ of -marriage which will ultimately emerge and make itself felt, enabling men -and women to order their relations to each other, and to walk freely, -unhampered by props or pressures from without. - -And it would hardly be worth while writing on this subject, if one did -not believe in some such reality. Practically I do not doubt that the -more people think about these matters, and the more experience they -have, the more they must ever come to feel that there _is_ such a -thing as a permanent and life-long union--perhaps a many-life-long -union--founded on some deep elements of attachment and congruity in -character; and the more they must come to prize the constancy and -loyalty which rivets such unions, in comparison with the fickle passion -which tends to dissipate them. - -In all men who have reached a certain grade of evolution, and certainly -in almost all women, the deep rousing of the sexual nature carries -with it a romance and tender emotional yearning towards the object of -affection, which lasts on and is not forgotten, even when the sexual -attraction has ceased to be strongly felt. This, in favorable cases, -forms the basis of what may almost be called an amalgamated personality. -That there should exist one other person in the world towards whom all -openness of interchange should establish itself, from whom there should -be no concealment; whose body should be as dear to one, in every part, -as one's own; with whom there should be no sense of Mine or Thine, in -property or possession; into whose mind one's thoughts should naturally -flow, as it were to know themselves and to receive a new illumination; -and between whom and oneself there should be a spontaneous rebound of -sympathy in all the joys and sorrows and experiences of life; such is -perhaps one of the dearest wishes of the soul. It is obvious however -that this state of affairs cannot be reached at a single leap, but must -be the gradual result of years of intertwined memory and affection. -For such a union Love must lay the foundation, but patience and gentle -consideration and self-control must work unremittingly to perfect the -structure. At length each lover comes to know the complexion of the -other's mind, the wants, bodily and mental, the needs, the regrets, -the satisfactions of the other, almost as his or her own--and without -prejudice in favor of self rather than in favor of the other; above -all, both parties come to know in course of time, and after perhaps some -doubts and trials, that the great want, the great need, which holds -them together, is not going to fade away into thin air, but is going to -become stronger and more indefeasible as the years go on. There falls a -sweet, an irresistible, trust over their relation to each other, which -consecrates as it were the double life, making both feel that nothing -can now divide; and robbing each of all desire to remain, when death has -indeed (or at least in outer semblance) removed the other.* - - It is curious that the early Church Service had "Till - death us depart"--but in 1661 this was altered to "Till - death us do part." - -So perfect and gracious a union--even if not always realised--is still, -I say, the _bonâ fide_ desire of most of those who have ever thought -about such matters. It obviously yields far more and more enduring joy -and satisfaction in life than any number of frivolous relationships. -It commends itself to the common sense, so to speak, of the modern -mind--and does not require, for its proof, the artificial authority of -Church and State. At the same time it is equally evident--and a child -could understand this--that it requires some rational forbearance and -self-control for its realisation, and it is quite intelligible too, -as already said, that there _may_ be cases in which a little outside -pressure, of social opinion, or even actual law, may be helpful for -the supplementing or re-inforcement of the weak personal self-control of -those concerned. - -The modern Monogamic Marriage however, certified and sanctioned by -Church and State, though apparently directed to this ideal, has for the -most part fallen short of it. For in constituting--as in a vast number -of cases--a union resting on _nothing_ but the outside pressure of -Church and State, it constituted a thing obviously and by its nature -bad and degrading; while in its more successful instances by a too -great exclusiveness it has condemned itself to a fatal narrowness and -stuffiness. - -Looking back to the historical and physiological aspects of the question -it might of course be contended--and probably with some truth--that the -human male is, by his nature and needs, polygamous. Nor is it necessary -to suppose that polygamy in certain countries and races is by any means -so degrading or unsuccessful an institution as some folk would have it -to be.* But, as Letourneau in his "Evolution of Marriage" points out, -the progress of society in the past has on the whole been from confusion -to distinction; and we may fairly suppose that with the progress of -our own race (for each race no doubt has its special genius in such -matters), and as the spiritual and emotional sides of man develop in -relation to the physical, there is probably a tendency for our deeper -alliances to become more unitary. Though it might be said that the -growing complexity of man's nature would be likely to lead him into more -rather than fewer relationships, yet on the other hand it is obvious -that as the depth and subtlety of any attachment that will really -hold him increases, so does such attachment become more permanent and -durable, and less likely to be realised in a number of persons. -Woman, on the other hand, cannot be said to be by her physical nature -polyandrous as man is polygynous. Though of course there are plenty of -examples of women living in a state of polyandry both among savage -and civilised peoples, yet her more limited sexual needs, and her long -periods of gestation, render one mate physically sufficient for her; -while her more clinging affectional nature perhaps accentuates her -capacity of absorption in the one. - - * See R. F. Burton's Pilgrimage to El-Medinah and Meccah, - ch. xxiv. He says however "As far as my limited observations - go polyandry is the only state of society in which jealousy - and quarrels about the sex are the exception and not the - rule of life!" - -In both man and woman then we may say that we find a distinct tendency -towards the formation of this double unit of wedded life (I hardly like -to use the word Monogamy on account of its sad associations)--and -while we do not want to stamp such natural unions with any false -irrevocability or dogmatic exclusiveness, what we do want is a -recognition to-day of the tendency to their formation as a natural -_fact_, independent of any artificial laws, just as one might believe in -the natural bias of two atoms of certain different chemical substances -to form a permanent compound atom or molecule. Such unions as that -depicted a page or two back, built up by patient and loving care over a -long stretch of years, and becoming at last in a sense impregnable, -do, we maintain, by their actual growth and evolution exemplify this -tendency. - -It might not be so very difficult to get quite young people to -understand this--to understand that even though they might have to -contend with some superfluity of passion in early years, yet that the -most permanent and most deeply-rooted desire within them will in all -probability lead them at last to find their complete happiness and -self-fulfilment only in a close union with a life-mate; and that towards -this end they must be prepared to use self-control to prevent the -aimless straying of their passions, and patience and tenderness towards -the realisation of the union when its time comes. Probably most youths -and girls, at the age of romance, would easily appreciate this position; -and it would bring to them a much more effective and natural idea of the -sacredness of Marriage than they ever get from the artificial thunder of -the Church and the State on the subject. - -No doubt the suggestion of the mere possibility of any added freedom -of choice and experience in the relations of the sexes will be very -alarming to some people--but it is so, I think, not because they are at -all ignorant that men already take to themselves considerable latitude, -and that a distinct part of the undoubted evils that accompany that -latitude springs from the fact that it is not recognised; not because -they are ignorant that a vast number of respectable women and girls -suffer frightful calamities and anguish by reason of the utter -_inexperience_ of sex in which they are brought up and have to live; -but because such good people assume that any the least loosening of the -formal barriers between the sexes must mean (and must be meant to mean) -an utter dissolution of all ties, and the reign of mere licentiousness. -They are convinced that nothing but the most unyielding and indeed -exasperating straight-jacket can save society from madness and ruin. - -To such folk the appearance of our child--the real Marriage--now -presented for their consideration (not without some care it must be -admitted, as to the smoothing of its hair and pinafore, and the trimming -of its naughty little nails) will be strangely disquieting. Accustomed -to look on human nature as essentially bad, and on Law and Convention as -the _only_ things that restrain it from wild excess, it will be hard for -them to believe that there is any formative principle of decent life -in the apparition before them. We are however prepared to contend that, -appearances or prejudices notwithstanding there is a heart of goodness -in the young thing; and that, anyhow, whatever we may think or wish, it -is here already and among us, and that practically what we have to do is -to consider how it can best be made to grow up into a useful member of -society. - -In fact, and to leave metaphor; when after quietly looking all round the -subject we have satisfied ourselves that the formation of a mere or -less permanent double unit is--for our race and time--on the whole -the natural and ascendant law of sex-union, slowly and with whatever -exceptions establishing and enforcing itself independently of any -artificial enactments that exist, then we shall not feel called upon to -tear our hair or rend our garments at the prospect of added freedom for -the operation of this force, but shall rather be anxious to consider how -it may best _be_ freed and given room for development and growth to its -most perfect use in the social order. And it will probably seem to us -(looking back to the earlier part of this paper) that the points which -most need consideration, as means to this end, are (1) the furtherance -of the freedom and self-dependence of women; (2) the provision of some -rational teaching, of heart and of head, for both sexes during the -period of youth; (3) the recognition in marriage itself of a freer, -more companionable, and less pettily exclusive relationship; and (4) the -abrogation or modification of the present odious law which binds people -together for _life_, without scruple, and in the most artificial and -ill-assorted unions. - -It must be admitted that the first point (1) is of basic importance. -As true Freedom cannot be without Love, so true Love cannot be without -Freedom. You cannot truly give yourself to another, unless you are -master or mistress of yourself to begin with. Not only has the general -_custom_ of the self-dependence and self-ownership of women to be -gradually introduced, but the Law has to be altered in a variety of -cases where it lags behind the public conscience in these matters--as in -actual marriage, where it still leaves woman uncertain as to her rights -over her own body, or in politics, where it still denies to her a voice -in the framing of the laws which are to bind her. And beyond this, since -in the modern industrial-commercial State all Freedom has to be largely -based on industrial and monetary freedom, it is obviously of paramount -necessity that woman should have liberal access to professional spheres -and the means of securing her own independent monetary position through -ordinary industrial channels. Whatever the future may bring about in -the way of a changed social order and a consequently changed basis for -woman's independence, it is clear that as things are now, and for a long -time yet, her real freedom can only be secured through her command, even -in the face of man, of the ordinary resources of the wage-earner. - -With regard to (2) hardly any one at this time of day would seriously -doubt the desirability of giving adequate teaching to boys and girls. -That is a point on which we have sufficiently touched, and which need -not be farther discussed here. But beyond this it is important, and -especially perhaps, as things stand now, for girls--that each youth or -girl should personally see enough of the other sex at an early period to -be able to form some kind of judgment of his or her relation to that -sex and to sex-matters generally. It is monstrous that the first case -of sex-glamor--the true nature of which would be exposed by a little -experience--should, perhaps for two people, decide the destinies of a -life-time. Yet the more the sexes are kept apart, the more overwhelming -does this glamor become, and the more ignorance is there, on either -side, as to its nature. No doubt it is one of the great advantages -of co-education of the sexes, that it tends to diminish these evils. -Co-education, games and sports to some extent in common, and the doing -away with the absurd superstition that because Corydon and Phyllis -happen to kiss each other sitting on a gate, therefore they must live -together all their lives, would soon mend matters considerably. Nor -would a reasonable familiarity between the sexes in youth--tempered, as -it would be, by previous education and by the subsidence of the -blind passion--necessarily mean an increase of casual or clandestine -sex-relations. But even if casualties of this kind did occur they -would not be the fatal and unpardonable sins that they now at least for -girls--are considered to be. Though the recognition of anything like -common pre-matrimonial sex-intercourse would probably be foreign to the -temper of a northern nation; yet it is open to question whether Society -here, in its mortal and fetichistic dread of the thing, has not, by -keeping the young of both sexes in ignorance and darkness and seclusion -from each other, created worse ills and suffering than it has prevented, -and whether it has not indeed intensified the particular evil that it -dreaded, rather than abated it. - -In the next place (3) we come to the establishment in marriage itself of -a freer and broader and more healthy relationship than generally exists -at the present time. Attractive as the ideal of the exclusive attachment -is, it runs the fatal risk, as we have already pointed out, of lapsing -into a mere stagnant double selfishness. But, in this world, Love is fed -not by what it takes, but by what it gives; and the very excellent dual -love of man and wife must be fed also by the love they give to others. -If they cannot come out of their secluded haven to reach a hand to -others, or even to give some boon of affection to those who need it -more than themselves, or if they mistrust each other in doing so, then -assuredly they are not very well fitted to live together. - -A marriage, so free, so spontaneous, that it would allow of wide -excursions of the pair from each other, in common or even in separate -objects of work and interest, and yet would hold them all the time in -the bond of absolute sympathy, would by its very freedom be all the more -poignantly attractive, and by its very scope and breadth all the richer -and more vital--would be in a sense indestructible; like the relation of -two suns which, revolving in fluent and rebounding curves, only recede -from each other in order to return again with renewed swiftness into -close proximity--and which together blend their rays into the glory of -one cosmic double star. - -It has been the inability to see or understand this very simple truth -that has largely contributed to the failure of the Monogamie union. The -narrow physical passion of jealousy, the petty sense of private property -in another person, social opinion, and legal enactments, have all -converged to choke and suffocate wedded love in egoism, lust, and -meanness. But surely it is not very difficult (for those who believe in -the real thing) to imagine so sincere and natural a trust between man -and wife that neither would be greatly alarmed at the other's -friendship with a third person, nor conclude at once that it meant mere -infidelity--or difficult even to imagine that such a friendship might be -hailed as a gain by both parties. And if it is quite impossible (to -some people) to see in such intimacies anything but a confusion of all -sex-relations and a chaos of mere animal desire, we can only reply that -this view of the situation is probably one that arises greatly out -of the present marriage system, and the modes of thought which it -engenders--and that anyhow the difficulty to which it refers is likely -to be guarded against better by candor and a little common sense than by -hysterics and deception. In order to suppose a rational marriage at all -one must credit the parties concerned with some modicum of common sense -and self-control. - -Withal, seeing the remarkable and immense _variety_ of love in human -nature, when the feeling is really touched--how the love-offering of -one person's soul and body is entirely different from that of another -person's, so much so as almost to require another name--how one passion -is predominantly physical, and another predominantly emotional, and -another contemplative, or spiritual, or practical, or sentimental; how -in one case it is jealous and exclusive, and in another hospitable and -free, and so forth--it seems rash to lay down any very hard and fast -general laws for the marriage-relation, or to insist that a real and -honorable affection can only exist under this or that special form. It -is probably through this fact of the variety of love that it does remain -possible, in some cases, for married people to have intimacies with -outsiders, and yet to remain perfectly true to each other; and in -rare instances, for triune and other such relations to be permanently -maintained. - -We now come to the last consideration, namely (4) the modification of -the present law of marriage. It is pretty clear that people will not -much longer consent to pledge themselves irrevocably for life as at -present. And indeed there are already plentiful indications of a growing -change of practice. The more people come to recognise the sacredness -and naturalness of the real union, the less will they be willing to -bar themselves from this by a life-long and artificial contract made in -their salad days. Hitherto the great bulwark of the existing institution -has been the dependence of Women, which has given each woman a direct -and most material interest in keeping up the supposed sanctity of the -bond--and which has prevented a man of any generosity from proposing -an alteration which would have the appearance of freeing himself at the -cost of the woman; but as this fact of the dependence of women gradually -dissolves out, and as the great fact of the spiritual nature of the true -Marriage crystalises into more clearness--so will the formal bonds which -bar the formation of the latter gradually break away and become of small -import. - -Love when felt at all deeply has an element of transcendentalism in -it, which makes it the most natural thing in the world for the two -lovers--even though drawn together by a passing sex-attraction--to swear -eternal troth to each other; but there is something quite diabolical and -mephistophelean in the practice of the Law, which creeping up behind, as -it were, at this critical moment, and overhearing the two thus pledging -themselves, claps its book together with a triumphant bang, and -exclaims: "There now you are married and done for, for the rest of your -natural lives." - -What actual changes in Law and Custom the collective sense of society -will bring about is a matter which in its detail we cannot of course -foresee or determine. But that the drift will be, and must be, towards -greater freedom is pretty clear. Ideally speaking it is plain that -anything like a perfect union must have perfect freedom for its -condition; and while it is quite supposable that a lover might out of -the fulness of his heart make promises and give pledges, it is really -almost inconceivable that anyone having that delicate and proud sense -which marks deep feeling, could possibly _demand_ a promise from his -loved one. As there is undoubtedly a certain natural reticence in -sex, so perhaps the most decent thing in true Marriage would be to say -nothing, make no promises--either for a year or a lifetime. Promises -are bad at any time, and when the heart is full silence befits it best. -Practically, however, since a love of this kind is slow to be realised, -since social custom is slow to change, and since the partial dependence -and slavery of Woman must yet for a while continue, it is likely for -such period that formal contracts of some kind will still be made; only -these (it may be hoped) will lose their irrevocable and rigid character, -and become in some degree adapted to the needs of the contracting -parties. - -Such contracts might of course, if adopted, be very very various in -respect to conjugal rights, conditions of termination, division of -property, responsibility for and rights over children, etc. In some -cases* they might be looked upon as preliminary to a more permanent -alliance to be made later on; in others they would provide for -disastrous marriages, a remedy free from the inordinate scandals of the -present Divorce Courts. It may however be said that rather than adopt -any new system of contracts, public opinion in this country would tend -to a simple facilitation of Divorce, and that if the latter were made -(with due provision for the children) to depend on mutual consent, -it would become little more than an affair of registration, and the -scandals of the proceeding would be avoided. In any case we think that -marriage-contracts, if existing at all, must tend more and more to -become matters of private arrangement as far as the relations of husband -and wife are concerned, and that this is likely to happen in proportion -as woman becomes more free, and therefore more competent to act in her -own right. It would be felt intolerable, in any decently constituted -society, that the old blunderbuss of the Law should interfere in the -delicate relations of wedded life. As it is to-day the situation is -most absurd. On the one hand, having been constituted from times back in -favor of the male, the Law still gives to the husband barbarous rights -over the person of his spouse; on the other hand, to compensate for -this, it rushes in with the farcicalities of Breach of Promise; and in -any case, having once pronounced its benediction over a pair--however -hateful the alliance may turn out to be to both parties, and however -obvious its failure to the whole world--the stupid old thing blinks -owlishly on at its own work, and professes itself totally unable to undo -the knot which once it tied! - - * As suggested by Mrs. H. Ellis in her pamphlet A Noviciate - for Marriage. - -The only point where there is a permanent ground for -State-interference--and where indeed there is no doubt that the public -authority should in some way make itself felt--is in the matter of the -children resulting from any alliance. Here the relation of the pair -ceases to be private and becomes social; and the interests of the child -itself, and of the nation whose future citizen the child is, have to be -safe-guarded. Any contracts, or any proposals of divorce, before they -could be sanctioned by the public authority, would have to contain -satisfactory provisions for the care and maintenance of the children -in such casualties as might ensue; nor ought there to be maintained any -legal distinction between 'natural' and 'legitimate' children, since -it is clear that whatever individuals or society at large may, in the -former case, think of the conduct of the parents, no disability -should on that account accrue to the child, nor should the parents (if -identifiable) be able to escape their full responsibility for bringing -it into the world. - -If it be objected that such private contracts, or such facilitations of -Divorce, as here spoken of, would simply lead to frivolous experimental -relationships entered into and broken-off _ad infinitum_, it must be -remembered that the responsibility for due rearing and maintenance of -children must give serious pause to such a career; and that to suppose -that any great mass of the people would find their good in a kind of -matrimonial game of General Post is to suppose that the mass of the -people have really never acquired or been taught the rudiments of common -sense in such matters--is to suppose a case for which there would hardly -be a parallel in the customs of any nation or tribe that we know of. - -In conclusion, it is evident that no very great change for the better -in marriage-relations can take place except as the accompaniment of -deep-lying changes in Society at large; and that alterations in the -Law alone will effect but a limited improvement. Indeed it is not very -likely, as long as the present commercial order of society lasts, -that the existing Marriage-laws--founded as they are on the idea of -property--will be very radically altered, though they may be to some -extent. More likely is it that, underneath the law, the common practice -will slide forward into newer customs. With the rise of the new society, -which is already outlining itself within the structure of the old, many -of the difficulties and bugbears, that at present seem to stand in the -way of a more healthy relation between the sexes, will of themselves -disappear. - -It must be acknowledged, however, that though a gradual broadening out -and humanising of Law and Custom are quite necessary, it cannot fairly -be charged against these ancient tyrants that they are responsible for -all the troubles connected with sex. There are millions of people to-day -who never could marry happily--however favorable the conditions might -be--simply because their natures do not contain in sufficient strength -the elements of loving surrender to another; and, as long as the human -heart is what it is, there will be natural tragedies arising from the -willingness or unwillingness of one person to release another when the -former finds that his or her love is not returned.* While it is quite -necessary that these natural tragedies should not be complicated -and multiplied by needless legal interference--complicated into -the numberless artificial tragedies which are so exasperating when -represented on the stage or in romance, and so saddening when witnessed -in real life--still we may acknowledge that, short of the millennium, -they will always be with us, and that no institution of marriage -alone, or absence of institution, will rid us of them. That entire and -unswerving refusal to 'cage' another person, or to accept an affection -not perfectly free and spontaneous, which will, we are fain to think, be -always more and more the mark of human love, must inevitably bring its -own price of mortal suffering with it; yet the Love so gained, whether -in the individual or in society, will be found in the end to be worth -the pang--and as far beyond the other love, as is the wild bird of -Paradise that comes to feed out of our hands unbidden more lovely -than the prisoner we shut with draggled wings behind the bars. Love is -doubtless the last and most difficult lesson that humanity has to learn; -in a sense it underlies all the others. Perhaps the time has come for -the modern nations when, ceasing to be children, they may even try to -learn it. - - * Perhaps one of the most sombre and inscrutable of these - natural tragedies lies, for Woman, in the fact that the man - to whom she first surrenders her body often acquires for her - (whatever his character may be) so profound and inalienable - a claim upon her heart. While, either for man or woman, it - is almost impossible to thoroughly understand their own - nature, or that of others, till they have had sex- - experience, it happens so that in the case of woman the - experience which should thus give the power of choice is - frequently the very one which seals her destiny. It reveals - to her, as at a glance, the tragedy of a life-time which - lies before her, and yet which she cannot do other than - accept. - - - - - - - - - -End of Project Gutenberg's Marriage In Free Society, by Edward Carpenter - -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MARRIAGE IN FREE SOCIETY *** - -***** This file should be named 40209-8.txt or 40209-8.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: - http://www.gutenberg.org/4/0/2/0/40209/ - -Produced by David Widger - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions -will be renamed. - -Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no -one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation -(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without -permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or -re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included -with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org - - -Title: Marriage In Free Society - -Author: Edward Carpenter - -Release Date: July 11, 2012 [EBook #40209] -Last Updated: January 25, 2013 - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MARRIAGE IN FREE SOCIETY *** - - - - -Produced by David Widger - - - - - -</pre> - <div style="height: 8em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h1> - MARRIAGE - </h1> - <h2> - IN FREE SOCIETY: - </h2> - <p> - <br /> - </p> - <h2> - By Edward Carpenter - </h2> - <p> - <br /> - </p> - <h3> - 1894 - </h3> - <p> - <br /> <br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <br /> <br /> - </p> - <h1> - MARRIAGE - </h1> - <p> - OF the great mystery of human Love, and that most intimate personal - relation of two souls to each other—perhaps the firmest, most basic - and indissoluble fact (after our own existence) that we know; of that - strange sense—often, perhaps generally, instantaneous—of long - precedent familiarity and kinship, that deep reliance on and acceptation - of another in his or her entirety; of the tremendous strength of the chain - which thus at times will bind two hearts in lifelong dedication and - devotion, persuading and indeed not seldom compelling the persons - concerned to the sacrifice of some of the other elements of their lives - and characters; and, withal, of a certain inscrutable veiledness from each - other which so frequently accompanies the relation of the opposite sexes, - and which forms at once the abiding charm, and the pain—sometimes - the tragedy—of their union; of this palpitating winged living thing, - which one may perhaps call the real Marriage—I would say but little; - for indeed it is only fitting or possible to speak of it by indirect - language and suggestion, nor may one venture to rudely drag it from its - sanctuary into the light of the common gaze. - </p> - <p> - Compared with this, the actual marriage, in its squalid perversity as we - too often have occasion of knowing it, is as the wretched idol of the - savage to the reality which it is supposed to represent; and one seems to - hear the Aristophanic laughter of the gods as they contemplate man's - little clay image of the Heavenly Love—which, cracked in the fire of - daily life, he is fain to bind together with rusty hoops of law, and - parchment bands, lest it should crumble and fall to pieces altogether. - </p> - <p> - The whole subject, wide as life itself—as Heaven and Hell—eludes - anything like adequate treatment, and we need make no apology for - narrowing down our considerations here to just a few practical points; and - if we cannot navigate upward into the very heart of the matter—namely, - into the causes which make some people love each other with a true and - perfect love, and others unite in obedience to but a counterfeit passion—yet - we may fairly, I imagine, and with profit, study some of the conditions - which give to actual marriage its present form, or which in the future are - likely to provide real affection with a more satisfactory expression than - it has as a rule to-day. - </p> - <p> - Yet the subject, even so limited, is one on which it is extremely - difficult to get a calm audience. Marriage customs (however much they may - differ from race to race) are at any one time and among any one folk - remarkably tenacious, being sanctioned by almost a violence of public - opinion; and as in the case of theology or politics, their mere discussion - is liable to infuriate people—perhaps from the very fact that the - subject is so complex and so deeply rooted in personal feeling. - Nevertheless—since alterations have to take place in these as in - other customs, and since, as many things indicate, we are moving towards a - distinct period of change in matters matrimonial—it would seem that - the more rationally we can survey these questions beforehand, the better. - </p> - <p> - It will probably be felt that certain present difficulties in the - marriage-relation are not merely casual or local, but are deeply - intertwined with a long series of historical causes, which have led up to - that exaggerated differentiation, and consequent misunderstanding, between - the sexes, of which we have spoken in a former paper.* Behind the relation - of any individual man and woman to each other stands the historical - age-evolved relation of the two sexes generally, spreading round and - enclosing the former on all sides, and creating the social environment - from which the individuals can hardly escape. Two young people in the - present day may come together, but their relation is already largely - determined by causes over which they have no control. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - * Woman: Labour Press Society, Manchester. -</pre> - <p> - As a rule they know but little of each other; society has kept the two - sexes apart; the boy and the girl have been brought up along different - lines; they hardly understand each other's nature; their mental interests - and occupations are different; and as they grow up their worldly interests - and advantage are seen to be different, often opposed; public opinion - separates their spheres and their rights and their duties, and their honor - and their dishonor* very sharply from each other. The subject of sex is a - sealed book to the girl; to the youth it is possibly a book whose most - dismal page has been opened first; in either case with its very mention is - probably connected a painful and irrational sense of wickedness. - </p> - <p> - In this state of confusion of mind, of mutual misunderstanding, and often - of suffering, the Sex-glamor suddenly descends upon the two individuals - and drives them into each other's arms. It envelopes in a gracious and - misty halo all their differences and misapprehensions. They marry without - misgiving; and their hearts overflow with gratitude to the white-surpliced - old gentleman who reads the service over them. It is only at a later hour, - and with calmer thought, that they realise that it is a life-sentence - which he has so suavely passed upon them—not reducible (as in the - case of ordinary convicts) even to a term of 20 years. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - * See Webster's Dictionary, which gives as one of the - meanings of Honor, "any particular virtue much valued, as - bravery in men and chastity in females." -</pre> - <p> - The married life, in so strange and casual a way begun, or drifted into, - is hardly, one might think, likely to turn out well. Sometimes, of course, - it does; but in many cases, perhaps the majority, there follows a painful - awakening. A brief burst of satisfaction, accompanied, probably through - sheer ignorance, by gross neglect of the law of transmutation; satiety on - the physical plane, followed by vacuity of affection on the higher planes, - and that succeeded by boredom, and even nausea; the girl, full perhaps of - a tender emotion, and missing the sympathy and consolation she expected in - the man's love, only to find its more materialistic side—"This, this - then is what I am wanted for." The man, who looked for a companion, - finding he can rouse no mortal interest in his wife's mind save in the - most exasperating trivialities;—whatever the cause may be, a veil - has fallen from before their faces, and there they sit, held together now - by the least honorable interests, the interests which they themselves can - least respect, but to which Law and Religion lend all their weight. The - monetary dependence of the woman, the mere sex-needs of the man, the fear - of public opinion, all form motives, and motives of the meanest kind, for - maintaining the seeming tie; and the relation of the two hardens down into - a dull neutrality, in which lives and characters are narrowed and blunted, - and deceit becomes the common weapon which guards divided interests. - </p> - <p> - A sad picture! and of course in this case a portrayal deliberately of the - seamy side of the matter. But who shall make light of the agonies often - gone through in those first few years of married life? - </p> - <p> - It may be said—and often of course is said—that such cases as - these only prove that marriage was entered into under the influence of a - passing glamor and delusion, and that there was not much real devotion to - begin with. And no doubt there is truth enough in such remarks. But—we - may say in reply—because two young people make a mistake in youth, - to condemn them, for that reason, to lifelong suffering and mutual - degradation, or to see them so condemned, without proposing any hope or - way of deliverance, but with the one word "serves you right" on the lips, - is a course which can commend itself only to the grimmest and dullest - Calvinist. Whatever safe-guards against a too frivolous view of the - relationship may be proposed by the good sense of society in the future, - it is certain that the time has gone past when Marriage can continue to be - regarded as a supernatural institution to whose maintenance human bodies - and souls must be indiscriminately sacrificed; a humaner, wiser, and less - panic-stricken treatment of the subject must set in; and if there are - difficulties in the way they must be met by patient and calm consideration - of human welfare—superior to any law, however ancient and - respectable. - </p> - <p> - I take it then that, without disguising the fact that the question is a - complex one, and that our conclusions may be only very tentative, we have - to consider as rationally as we conveniently can, first, some of the - drawbacks or defects of the present marriage-customs, and secondly such - improvements in these as may suggest themselves to us, and as may seem - feasible. - </p> - <p> - And if we turn to the question of how things stand in the present day, one - of the first points to strike us—and one that we have already - touched on in another paper*—is the serious want of any special - teaching to young folk on matters of love and sex, and the responsibility - resting on parents and teachers to supply this want. That one ought to - distinguish a passing sex-spell from a true comradeship and devotion is no - doubt a wise remark, but that it is often difficult, even for adults, to - do so makes it all the more necessary that young people should have some - rational ideas on the subject, and above all that they should get some - understanding of the nature of that true love which alone can make - marriage a success. The search for a fitting mate, especially among the - more sensitive and highly-organised types of mankind, is a most complex - affair. And it is indeed hard that the young man or woman should have to - set out—as they mostly have to do to-day—on this difficult - quest without a word of suggestion or help, as to the choice of the way or - the very real perplexites and doubts that beset it. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - *Sex-Love, and its place in a Free Society. Labour Press, - Manchester. -</pre> - <p> - Then, besides this more general teaching, it is also highly necessary that - those in question should have some knowledge of the use and guardianship - of their own sex-functions. If the youth and girl whom we have supposed as - about to be married had been brought up in almost any tribe of savages, - they would a few years previously have gone through regular offices of - initiation into manhood and womanhood, during which time ceremonies - (possibly indecent in our eyes) would at any rate have made many - misapprehensions impossible. As it is, the civilised girl is led to the - 'altar;' often in uttermost ignorance and misunderstanding as to the - nature of the sacrificial rites about to be consummated. The youth too - (does it not seem strange?) has never been taught how to use the female in - this most important moment of their joint lives. Perhaps he is unaware - that love in the female is, in a sense, more diffused than in the male, - less specially sexual; that it dwells longer in caresses and embraces, and - determines itself more slowly towards the reproductive system. Impatient, - he injures and horrifies his partner, and unconsciously perhaps aggravates - the very hysterical tendency which marriage might and should have - allayed.* - </p> - <p> - Among the middle and well-to-do classes especially, the conditions of high - civilisation, by inducing an overfed masculinity in the males and a - nervous and hysterical tendency in the females,** increase the - difficulties mentioned; and it is among the 'classes' too that public - opinion, largely by repressing the utterance and ignoring the existence of - sex-feeling, has created the special evils of sex-starvation and - sex-ignorance on the one hand, and of mere licentiousness on the other. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - * It must be remembered too that to many women (though of - course by no means a majority) the thought of Sex brings - little sense of pleasure, and the fulfilment of its duties - constitutes a real, even though a willing, sacrifice. - - ** Thus Bebel in his book on Woman speaks of "the idle and - luxuriant life of so many women in the upper classes, the - nervous stimulant afforded by exquisite perfumes, the over- - dosing with poetry, music, the stage—which is regarded as - the chief means of education, and is the chief occupation, - of a sex already suffering from hypertrophy of nerves and - sensibility." -</pre> - <p> - Among the comparatively uncivilised mass of the people, where a good deal - of familiarity between the sexes exists before marriage, and where indeed - marriage not unfrequently follows on sex-connection, these special evils - are not so prominent. But among the masses the crying need for some - sensible and coherent teaching for the young is only too clear; and it is - perhaps among the masses that the neglect of the law of transmutation - works to more evil results than among the classes; since among the former—sex-intercourse - being comparatively accessible, and obstacles to marriage (from monetary - and other considerations) comparatively infrequent—the feeling is - liable to flow far too much along the mere physical channels; and the - romance and sweet comradeship of love, especially after marriage, comes - too often to be replaced by an inert and indeed rather brutish sentiment - of simple juxtaposition. - </p> - <p> - So far with regard to difficulties arising from personal ignorance or - inexperience in youth. But stretching beyond and around all these are - those other difficulties which are due to the marked special relation of - the woman to the man in civilised society generally, and of the man to the - woman; and which arise from deep-lying historic and economic causes. Into - the large subject of these causes it is not necessary to enter here. - Suffice it to say that the difference in physical strength between the - sexes, together with woman's disability during the period of child-birth - and rearing, gave man from early times an advantage, which complicating - itself during the historical period has ultimated (though not of course in - the present day only) in what may be called the slavery of woman, her - subordination to man, and dependence on him for the means of subsistence; - the result being that, till a comparatively few years ago, the woman was - condemned to the most special and indeed narrow sphere of life and action; - her education, as for this sphere, was most limited, and quite different - from that of the man; and her interests were wholly diverse from and often - quite opposed to his. Under these circumstances there was naturally little - common ground for Marriage, <i>except</i> sex. And the same remains - largely true even down to to-day. The sex-needs once satisfied, and the - emotional charm weakened or undone, man and wife not unfrequently wake up - with something like dismay to find how little they have left in common; to - find that they have nothing in which they can take interest together; that - they cannot work at the same things, that they cannot read the same books, - that they cannot keep up half-an-hour's conversation together on any - topic, and that secretly they are cherishing their own thoughts and - projects quite apart from each other. - </p> - <p> - It must suffice too to remind the reader quite briefly that this - divergence has crept deep down into the moral and intellectual natures of - the two sexes, exaggerating the naturally complementary relation of the - male and female into a painful caricature of strength on the one hand and - dependence on the other. This is well seen in the ordinary - marriage-relation of the common-prayer-book type. The frail and delicate - female is supposed to cling round the sturdy husband's form, or to depend - from his arm in graceful incapacity; and the spectator is called upon to - admire the charming effect of the union—as of the ivy with the oak—forgetful - of the terrible moral, namely, that (in the case of the trees at any rate) - it is really a death-struggle which is going on, in which either the oak - must perish suffocated in the embraces of its partner, or in order to free - the former into anything like healthy development the ivy must be - sacrificed. - </p> - <p> - Too often of course of such marriages the egoism, lordship and physical - satisfaction of the man are the chief motive causes. The woman is - practically sacrificed to the part of the maintenance of these male - virtues. It is for her to spend her days in little forgotten details of - labor and anxiety for the sake of the man's superior comfort and - importance, to give up her needs to his whims, to 'humour' him in all ways - she can; it is for her to wipe her mind clear of all opinions in order - that she may hold it up as a kind of mirror in which he may behold - reflected his lordly self; and it is for her to sacrifice even her - physical health and natural instincts in deference to what is called her - 'duty' to her husband. - </p> - <p> - How bitterly <i>alone</i> many such a woman feels! She has dreamed of - being folded in the arms of a strong man, and surrendering herself, her - life, her mind, her all, to his service. Of course it is an unhealthy - dream, an illusion, a mere luxury of love; and it is destined to be - dashed. She has to learn that self-surrender may be just as great a crime - as self-assertion. She finds that her very willingness to be sacrificed - only fosters in the man, perhaps for his own self-defence, the egotism and - coldness that so cruelly wound her. - </p> - <p> - For how often does he with keen prevision see that if he gives way from - his coldness the clinging dependent creature will infallibly overgrow and - smother him!—that she will cut her woman-friends, will throw aside - all her own interests and pursuits in order to 'devote' herself to him, - and, affording no sturdy character of her own in which <i>he</i> can take - any interest, will hang the festoons of her affection on every - ramification of his wretched life—nor leave him a corner free—till - he perishes from all manhood and social or heroic uses into a mere - matrimonial clothespeg, a warning and a wonderment to passers by! - </p> - <p> - However, as a third alternative, it sometimes happens that the Woman, too - wise to sacrifice her own life indiscriminately to the egoism of her - husband, and not caring for the 'festoon' method, adopts the middle course - of <i>appearing</i> to minister to him while really pursuing her own - purposes. She cultivates the gentle science of indirectness. While holding - up a mirror for the Man to admire himself in, <i>behind that mirror</i> - she goes her own way and carries out her own designs, separate from him; - and while sacrificing her body to his wants, she does so quite - deliberately and for a definite reason, namely, because she has found out - that she can so get a shelter for herself and her children, and can solve - the problem of that maintenance which society has hitherto denied to her - in her own right. For indeed by a cruel fate women have been placed in - exactly that position where the sacrifice of their self-respect for base - motives has easily passed beyond a temptation into being a necessity. They - have had to live, and have too often only been able to do so by selling - themselves into bondage to the man. Willing or unwilling, overworked or - dying, they have had to bear children to the caprice of their lords; and - in this serf-life their very natures have been blunted; they have lost—what - indeed should be the very glory and crown of woman's being—the - perfect freedom and the purity of their love. - </p> - <p> - At this whole spectacle of woman's degradation the human male has looked - on with stupid and open-mouthed indifference—as an ox might look on - at a drowning oxherd—not even dimly divining that his own fate was - somehow involved. He has calmly and obliviously watched the woman drift - farther and farther away from him, till at last, with the loss of an - intelligent and mutual understanding between the sexes, Love with unequal - wings has fallen lamed to the ground. Yet it would be idle to deny that - even in such a state of affairs as that depicted, men and women have in - the past and do often even now find some degree of satisfaction—simply - indeed because their types of character are such as belong to, and have - been evolved in accordance with, this relation. - </p> - <p> - To-day, however, there are thousands of women—and everyday more - thousands—to whom such a lopsided alliance is detestable; who are - determined that they will no longer endure the arrogant lordship and - egoism of men, nor countenance in themselves or other women the craft and - servility which are the necessary complements of the relation; who see too - clearly in the oak-and-ivy marriage its parasitism on the one hand and - strangulation on the other to be sensible of any picturesqueness; who feel - too that they have capacities and powers of their own which need space and - liberty, and some degree of sympathy and help, for their unfolding; and - who believe that they have work to do in the world, as important in its - own way as any that men do in theirs. Such women have broken into open - warfare—not against marriage, but against a marriage which makes - true and equal love an impossibility. They feel that as long as women are - economically dependent they <i>cannot</i> stand up for themselves and - insist on those rights which men from stupidity and selfishness will not - voluntarily grant them. - </p> - <p> - On the other hand there are thousands—and one would hope every day - more thousands—of men who (whatever their forerunners may have - thought) do <i>not</i> desire or think it delightful to have a glass - continually held up for them to admire themselves in; who look for a - partner in whose life and pursuits they can find some interest, rather - than for one who has no interest but in them; who think perhaps that they - would rather minister than be (like a monkey fed with nuts in a cage) the - melancholy object of another person's ministrations; and who at any rate - feel that love, in order to be love at all, must be absolutely open and - sincere, and free from any sentiment of dependence or inequality. They see - that the present cramped condition of women is not only the cause of the - false relation between the sexes, but that it is the fruitful source—through - its debarment of any common interests—of that fatal boredom of which - we have spoken, and which is the bugbear of marriage; and they would - gladly surrender all of that masterhood and authority which is supposed to - be their due, if they could only get in return something like a frank and - level comradeship. - </p> - <p> - Thus while we see in the present inequality of the sexes an undoubted - source of marriage troubles and unsatisfactory alliances, we see also - forces at work which are tending to reaction, and to bringing the two - nearer again to each other—so that while differentiated they will - not perhaps in the future be quite so <i>much</i> differentiated as now, - but only to a degree which will enhance and adorn, instead of destroy, - their sense of mutual sympathy. - </p> - <p> - There is another point which ought to be considered as contributing to the - ill-success of many marriages, and which no doubt is closely connected - with that just discussed—but which deserves separate treatment. I - mean the harshness of the line which social opinion (at any rate in this - country) draws round the married pair with respect to their relations to - outsiders. On the one hand, and within the matrimonial relation, society - allows practically the utmost passional excess or indulgence, and condones - it; on the other hand (I am speaking of the middling bulk of the people, - not of the extreme aristocratic and slum classes) beyond that limit, the - slightest familiarity, or any expression of affection which might by any - possibility be interpreted as deriving from sexual feeling, is sternly - anathematised. - </p> - <p> - Marriage, by a kind of absurd fiction, is represented as an oasis situated - in the midst of an arid desert—in which latter, it is pretended, - neither of the two parties is so fortunate as to find any objects of real - affectional interest. If they do they have carefully to conceal the same - from the other party. - </p> - <p> - The result of this convention is obvious enough. The married pair, thus <i>driven</i> - as well as drawn into closest continual contact with each other, are put - through an ordeal which might well cause the stoutest affection to quail. - Not only, as already pointed out, have the man and the wife too few joint - interests in the great world, few common plans, projects, purposes, - 'causes,' recreations; but—by this insistance of public opinion—all - outside interests of a <i>personal</i> nature, except of the most abstract - kind, are also debarred; if there happens to be any natural jealousy in - the case it is heightened and made the more imperative; and unless the - contracting parties are fortunate enough to be, both of them, of such a - temperament that they are capable of strong attachments to persons of - their own sex—and this does not always exclude jealousy—they - must be condemned to have no intimate friendships of any kind except what - they can find at their own fireside. - </p> - <p> - It is necessary here to point out, not only how dull a place this makes - the home, but also how narrowing it acts on the lives of the married pair. - However appropriate the union may be in itself it cannot be good that it - should degenerate—as it tends to degenerate so often, and where man - and wife are most faithful to each other, into a mere <i>égoisme à deux</i>. - And right enough no doubt as a great number of such unions actually are, - it must be confessed that the bourgeois marriage as a rule, and just in - its most successful and pious and respectable form, carries with it an - odious sense of Stuffiness and narrowness, moral and intellectual; and - that the type of Family which it provides is too often like that which is - disclosed when on turning over a large stone we disturb an insect. Home - that seldom sees the light. - </p> - <p> - But in cases where the marriage does not happen to be particularly - successful or unsuccessful, when perhaps a true but not overpoweringly - intense affection is satiated at a needlessly early stage by the continual - and unrelieved impingement of the two personalities on each other, then - the boredom resulting is something frightful to contemplate—and all - the more so because of the genuine affection behind it, which contemplates - with horror its own suicide. The weary couples that may be seen at seaside - places and pleasure resorts—the respectable working-man with his - wife trailing along by his side, or the highly respectable stock-jobber - arm-in-arm with his better and larger half—their blank faces, utter - want of any common topic of conversation which has not been exhausted a - thousand times already, and their obvious relief when the hour comes which - will take them back to their several and divided occupations—these - illustrate sufficiently what I mean. The curious thing is that jealousy - (accentuated as it is by social opinion) sometimes increases in exact - proportion to mutual boredom; and there are thousands of cases of married - couples leading a cat-and-dog life, and knowing that they weary each other - to distraction, who for that very reason dread all the more to lose sight - of each other, and thus never get a chance of that holiday from their own - society, and renewal of outside interests, which would make a genuine - affectional association possible. - </p> - <p> - Thus the sharpness of the line which society draws around the pair, and - the kind of fatal snap-of-the-lock with which marriage suddenly cuts them - off from the world, not only precluding the two, as might fairly be - thought advisable, from sexual, but also barring any openly affectional - relations with outsiders, and corroborating the selfish sense of monopoly - which each has in the other,—these things lead inevitably to the - narrowing down of lives and the blunting of general human interests, to - intense mutual ennui, and when (as an escape from these evils) outside - relations are covertly indulged in, to prolonged and systematic deceit. - </p> - <p> - From all which the only conclusion seems to be that marriage must be - either alive or dead. As a dead thing it can of course be petrified into a - hard and fast formula, but if it is to be a living bond, that living bond - must be trusted to, to hold the lovers together; nor be too forcibly - stiffened and contracted by private jealousy and public censorship, lest - the thing that it would preserve for us perish so, and cease altogether to - be beautiful. It is the same with this as with everything else. If we - would have a living thing, we must give that thing some degree of liberty—even - though liberty bring with it risk. If we would debar all liberty and all - risk, then we can have only the mummy and dead husk of the thing. - </p> - <p> - Thus far I have had the somewhat invidious task, but perhaps necessary as - a preliminary one, of dwelling on the defects and drawbacks of the present - marriage system. I am sensible that, with due discretion, some things - might have been said, which have not been said, in its praise; its - successful, instead of its unsuccessful, instances might have been cited; - and taking for granted the dependence of women, and other points which - have already been sufficiently discussed—it might have been possible - to show that the bourgeois arrangement was on the whole as satisfactory as - could be expected. But such a course would neither have been sincere, nor - have served any practical purpose. In view of the actually changing - relations between the sexes, it is obvious that changes in the form of the - marriage institution are impending, and the questions which are really - pressing on folks' mind are: What are those changes going to be; and, Of - what kind do we wish them to be? - </p> - <p> - In answer to the last question it is not improbable that the casual reader - might suppose the writer of these pages to be in favor of a general and - indiscriminate loosening of all ties—for indeed it is always easy to - draw a large inference even from a careful expression. - </p> - <p> - But such a conclusion would be rash. There is little doubt, I think, that - the compulsion of the marriage-tie (whether moral, social, or merely - legal) acts beneficially in a considerable number of cases—though it - is obvious that the more the compelling force takes a moral or social form - and the less purely legal it is, the better; and that any changes which - led to a cheap and continual transfer of affections from one object to - another would be disastrous both to the character and happiness of a - population. While we are bound to see that the marriage-relation—in - order to become the indwelling-place of Love—must be made far more - <i>free</i> than it is at present, we may also recognise that a certain - amount of external pressure is not (as things are at least) without its - uses: that, for instance, it tends on the whole to concentrate affectional - experience and romance on one object, and that though this may mean a loss - at times in breadth it means a gain in depth and intensity; that, in many - cases, if it were not for some kind of bond, the two parties, after their - first passion for each other was past, and when the unavoidable period of - friction had set in, might in a moment of irritation easily fly apart, - whereas being forced for a while to tolerate each other's defects they - learn thereby one of the best lessons of life—a tender forbearance - and gentleness, which as time goes on does not unfrequently deepen again - into a more pure and perfect love even than at first—a love founded - indeed on the first physical intimacy, but concentrated and intensified by - years of linked experience, of twined associations, of shared labors, and - of mutual forgiveness; and in the third place that the existence of a - distinct tie or pledge discredits the easily-current idea that mere - pleasure-seeking is to be the object of the association of the sexes—a - phantasmal and delusive notion, which if it once got its head, and the bit - between its teeth, might soon dash the car of human advance in ruin to the - ground. - </p> - <p> - But having said thus much, it is obvious that external public opinion and - pressure are looked upon only as having an <i>educational</i> value; and - the question arises whether there is beneath this any <i>reality</i> of - marriage which will ultimately emerge and make itself felt, enabling men - and women to order their relations to each other, and to walk freely, - unhampered by props or pressures from without. - </p> - <p> - And it would hardly be worth while writing on this subject, if one did not - believe in some such reality. Practically I do not doubt that the more - people think about these matters, and the more experience they have, the - more they must ever come to feel that there <i>is</i> such a thing as a - permanent and life-long union—perhaps a many-life-long union—founded - on some deep elements of attachment and congruity in character; and the - more they must come to prize the constancy and loyalty which rivets such - unions, in comparison with the fickle passion which tends to dissipate - them. - </p> - <p> - In all men who have reached a certain grade of evolution, and certainly in - almost all women, the deep rousing of the sexual nature carries with it a - romance and tender emotional yearning towards the object of affection, - which lasts on and is not forgotten, even when the sexual attraction has - ceased to be strongly felt. This, in favorable cases, forms the basis of - what may almost be called an amalgamated personality. That there should - exist one other person in the world towards whom all openness of - interchange should establish itself, from whom there should be no - concealment; whose body should be as dear to one, in every part, as one's - own; with whom there should be no sense of Mine or Thine, in property or - possession; into whose mind one's thoughts should naturally flow, as it - were to know themselves and to receive a new illumination; and between - whom and oneself there should be a spontaneous rebound of sympathy in all - the joys and sorrows and experiences of life; such is perhaps one of the - dearest wishes of the soul. It is obvious however that this state of - affairs cannot be reached at a single leap, but must be the gradual result - of years of intertwined memory and affection. For such a union Love must - lay the foundation, but patience and gentle consideration and self-control - must work unremittingly to perfect the structure. At length each lover - comes to know the complexion of the other's mind, the wants, bodily and - mental, the needs, the regrets, the satisfactions of the other, almost as - his or her own—and without prejudice in favor of self rather than in - favor of the other; above all, both parties come to know in course of - time, and after perhaps some doubts and trials, that the great want, the - great need, which holds them together, is not going to fade away into thin - air, but is going to become stronger and more indefeasible as the years go - on. There falls a sweet, an irresistible, trust over their relation to - each other, which consecrates as it were the double life, making both feel - that nothing can now divide; and robbing each of all desire to remain, - when death has indeed (or at least in outer semblance) removed the other.* - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - It is curious that the early Church Service had "Till - death us depart"—but in 1661 this was altered to "Till - death us do part." -</pre> - <p> - So perfect and gracious a union—even if not always realised—is - still, I say, the <i>bonâ fide</i> desire of most of those who have ever - thought about such matters. It obviously yields far more and more enduring - joy and satisfaction in life than any number of frivolous relationships. - It commends itself to the common sense, so to speak, of the modern mind—and - does not require, for its proof, the artificial authority of Church and - State. At the same time it is equally evident—and a child could - understand this—that it requires some rational forbearance and - self-control for its realisation, and it is quite intelligible too, as - already said, that there <i>may</i> be cases in which a little outside - pressure, of social opinion, or even actual law, may be helpful for the - supplementing or re-inforcement of the weak personal self-control of those - concerned. - </p> - <p> - The modern Monogamic Marriage however, certified and sanctioned by Church - and State, though apparently directed to this ideal, has for the most part - fallen short of it. For in constituting—as in a vast number of cases—a - union resting on <i>nothing</i> but the outside pressure of Church and - State, it constituted a thing obviously and by its nature bad and - degrading; while in its more successful instances by a too great - exclusiveness it has condemned itself to a fatal narrowness and - stuffiness. - </p> - <p> - Looking back to the historical and physiological aspects of the question - it might of course be contended—and probably with some truth—that - the human male is, by his nature and needs, polygamous. Nor is it - necessary to suppose that polygamy in certain countries and races is by - any means so degrading or unsuccessful an institution as some folk would - have it to be.* But, as Letourneau in his "Evolution of Marriage" points - out, the progress of society in the past has on the whole been from - confusion to distinction; and we may fairly suppose that with the progress - of our own race (for each race no doubt has its special genius in such - matters), and as the spiritual and emotional sides of man develop in - relation to the physical, there is probably a tendency for our deeper - alliances to become more unitary. Though it might be said that the growing - complexity of man's nature would be likely to lead him into more rather - than fewer relationships, yet on the other hand it is obvious that as the - depth and subtlety of any attachment that will really hold him increases, - so does such attachment become more permanent and durable, and less likely - to be realised in a number of persons. Woman, on the other hand, cannot be - said to be by her physical nature polyandrous as man is polygynous. Though - of course there are plenty of examples of women living in a state of - polyandry both among savage and civilised peoples, yet her more limited - sexual needs, and her long periods of gestation, render one mate - physically sufficient for her; while her more clinging affectional nature - perhaps accentuates her capacity of absorption in the one. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - * See R. F. Burton's Pilgrimage to El-Medinah and Meccah, - ch. xxiv. He says however "As far as my limited observations - go polyandry is the only state of society in which jealousy - and quarrels about the sex are the exception and not the - rule of life!" -</pre> - <p> - In both man and woman then we may say that we find a distinct tendency - towards the formation of this double unit of wedded life (I hardly like to - use the word Monogamy on account of its sad associations)—and while - we do not want to stamp such natural unions with any false irrevocability - or dogmatic exclusiveness, what we do want is a recognition to-day of the - tendency to their formation as a natural <i>fact</i>, independent of any - artificial laws, just as one might believe in the natural bias of two - atoms of certain different chemical substances to form a permanent - compound atom or molecule. Such unions as that depicted a page or two - back, built up by patient and loving care over a long stretch of years, - and becoming at last in a sense impregnable, do, we maintain, by their - actual growth and evolution exemplify this tendency. - </p> - <p> - It might not be so very difficult to get quite young people to understand - this—to understand that even though they might have to contend with - some superfluity of passion in early years, yet that the most permanent - and most deeply-rooted desire within them will in all probability lead - them at last to find their complete happiness and self-fulfilment only in - a close union with a life-mate; and that towards this end they must be - prepared to use self-control to prevent the aimless straying of their - passions, and patience and tenderness towards the realisation of the union - when its time comes. Probably most youths and girls, at the age of - romance, would easily appreciate this position; and it would bring to them - a much more effective and natural idea of the sacredness of Marriage than - they ever get from the artificial thunder of the Church and the State on - the subject. - </p> - <p> - No doubt the suggestion of the mere possibility of any added freedom of - choice and experience in the relations of the sexes will be very alarming - to some people—but it is so, I think, not because they are at all - ignorant that men already take to themselves considerable latitude, and - that a distinct part of the undoubted evils that accompany that latitude - springs from the fact that it is not recognised; not because they are - ignorant that a vast number of respectable women and girls suffer - frightful calamities and anguish by reason of the utter <i>inexperience</i> - of sex in which they are brought up and have to live; but because such - good people assume that any the least loosening of the formal barriers - between the sexes must mean (and must be meant to mean) an utter - dissolution of all ties, and the reign of mere licentiousness. They are - convinced that nothing but the most unyielding and indeed exasperating - straight-jacket can save society from madness and ruin. - </p> - <p> - To such folk the appearance of our child—the real Marriage—now - presented for their consideration (not without some care it must be - admitted, as to the smoothing of its hair and pinafore, and the trimming - of its naughty little nails) will be strangely disquieting. Accustomed to - look on human nature as essentially bad, and on Law and Convention as the - <i>only</i> things that restrain it from wild excess, it will be hard for - them to believe that there is any formative principle of decent life in - the apparition before them. We are however prepared to contend that, - appearances or prejudices notwithstanding there is a heart of goodness in - the young thing; and that, anyhow, whatever we may think or wish, it is - here already and among us, and that practically what we have to do is to - consider how it can best be made to grow up into a useful member of - society. - </p> - <p> - In fact, and to leave metaphor; when after quietly looking all round the - subject we have satisfied ourselves that the formation of a mere or less - permanent double unit is—for our race and time—on the whole - the natural and ascendant law of sex-union, slowly and with whatever - exceptions establishing and enforcing itself independently of any - artificial enactments that exist, then we shall not feel called upon to - tear our hair or rend our garments at the prospect of added freedom for - the operation of this force, but shall rather be anxious to consider how - it may best <i>be</i> freed and given room for development and growth to - its most perfect use in the social order. And it will probably seem to us - (looking back to the earlier part of this paper) that the points which - most need consideration, as means to this end, are (1) the furtherance of - the freedom and self-dependence of women; (2) the provision of some - rational teaching, of heart and of head, for both sexes during the period - of youth; (3) the recognition in marriage itself of a freer, more - companionable, and less pettily exclusive relationship; and (4) the - abrogation or modification of the present odious law which binds people - together for <i>life</i>, without scruple, and in the most artificial and - ill-assorted unions. - </p> - <p> - It must be admitted that the first point (1) is of basic importance. As - true Freedom cannot be without Love, so true Love cannot be without - Freedom. You cannot truly give yourself to another, unless you are master - or mistress of yourself to begin with. Not only has the general <i>custom</i> - of the self-dependence and self-ownership of women to be gradually - introduced, but the Law has to be altered in a variety of cases where it - lags behind the public conscience in these matters—as in actual - marriage, where it still leaves woman uncertain as to her rights over her - own body, or in politics, where it still denies to her a voice in the - framing of the laws which are to bind her. And beyond this, since in the - modern industrial-commercial State all Freedom has to be largely based on - industrial and monetary freedom, it is obviously of paramount necessity - that woman should have liberal access to professional spheres and the - means of securing her own independent monetary position through ordinary - industrial channels. Whatever the future may bring about in the way of a - changed social order and a consequently changed basis for woman's - independence, it is clear that as things are now, and for a long time yet, - her real freedom can only be secured through her command, even in the face - of man, of the ordinary resources of the wage-earner. - </p> - <p> - With regard to (2) hardly any one at this time of day would seriously - doubt the desirability of giving adequate teaching to boys and girls. That - is a point on which we have sufficiently touched, and which need not be - farther discussed here. But beyond this it is important, and especially - perhaps, as things stand now, for girls—that each youth or girl - should personally see enough of the other sex at an early period to be - able to form some kind of judgment of his or her relation to that sex and - to sex-matters generally. It is monstrous that the first case of - sex-glamor—the true nature of which would be exposed by a little - experience—should, perhaps for two people, decide the destinies of a - life-time. Yet the more the sexes are kept apart, the more overwhelming - does this glamor become, and the more ignorance is there, on either side, - as to its nature. No doubt it is one of the great advantages of - co-education of the sexes, that it tends to diminish these evils. - Co-education, games and sports to some extent in common, and the doing - away with the absurd superstition that because Corydon and Phyllis happen - to kiss each other sitting on a gate, therefore they must live together - all their lives, would soon mend matters considerably. Nor would a - reasonable familiarity between the sexes in youth—tempered, as it - would be, by previous education and by the subsidence of the blind passion—necessarily - mean an increase of casual or clandestine sex-relations. But even if - casualties of this kind did occur they would not be the fatal and - unpardonable sins that they now at least for girls—are considered to - be. Though the recognition of anything like common pre-matrimonial - sex-intercourse would probably be foreign to the temper of a northern - nation; yet it is open to question whether Society here, in its mortal and - fetichistic dread of the thing, has not, by keeping the young of both - sexes in ignorance and darkness and seclusion from each other, created - worse ills and suffering than it has prevented, and whether it has not - indeed intensified the particular evil that it dreaded, rather than abated - it. - </p> - <p> - In the next place (3) we come to the establishment in marriage itself of a - freer and broader and more healthy relationship than generally exists at - the present time. Attractive as the ideal of the exclusive attachment is, - it runs the fatal risk, as we have already pointed out, of lapsing into a - mere stagnant double selfishness. But, in this world, Love is fed not by - what it takes, but by what it gives; and the very excellent dual love of - man and wife must be fed also by the love they give to others. If they - cannot come out of their secluded haven to reach a hand to others, or even - to give some boon of affection to those who need it more than themselves, - or if they mistrust each other in doing so, then assuredly they are not - very well fitted to live together. - </p> - <p> - A marriage, so free, so spontaneous, that it would allow of wide - excursions of the pair from each other, in common or even in separate - objects of work and interest, and yet would hold them all the time in the - bond of absolute sympathy, would by its very freedom be all the more - poignantly attractive, and by its very scope and breadth all the richer - and more vital—would be in a sense indestructible; like the relation - of two suns which, revolving in fluent and rebounding curves, only recede - from each other in order to return again with renewed swiftness into close - proximity—and which together blend their rays into the glory of one - cosmic double star. - </p> - <p> - It has been the inability to see or understand this very simple truth that - has largely contributed to the failure of the Monogamie union. The narrow - physical passion of jealousy, the petty sense of private property in - another person, social opinion, and legal enactments, have all converged - to choke and suffocate wedded love in egoism, lust, and meanness. But - surely it is not very difficult (for those who believe in the real thing) - to imagine so sincere and natural a trust between man and wife that - neither would be greatly alarmed at the other's friendship with a third - person, nor conclude at once that it meant mere infidelity—or - difficult even to imagine that such a friendship might be hailed as a gain - by both parties. And if it is quite impossible (to some people) to see in - such intimacies anything but a confusion of all sex-relations and a chaos - of mere animal desire, we can only reply that this view of the situation - is probably one that arises greatly out of the present marriage system, - and the modes of thought which it engenders—and that anyhow the - difficulty to which it refers is likely to be guarded against better by - candor and a little common sense than by hysterics and deception. In order - to suppose a rational marriage at all one must credit the parties - concerned with some modicum of common sense and self-control. - </p> - <p> - Withal, seeing the remarkable and immense <i>variety</i> of love in human - nature, when the feeling is really touched—how the love-offering of - one person's soul and body is entirely different from that of another - person's, so much so as almost to require another name—how one - passion is predominantly physical, and another predominantly emotional, - and another contemplative, or spiritual, or practical, or sentimental; how - in one case it is jealous and exclusive, and in another hospitable and - free, and so forth—it seems rash to lay down any very hard and fast - general laws for the marriage-relation, or to insist that a real and - honorable affection can only exist under this or that special form. It is - probably through this fact of the variety of love that it does remain - possible, in some cases, for married people to have intimacies with - outsiders, and yet to remain perfectly true to each other; and in rare - instances, for triune and other such relations to be permanently - maintained. - </p> - <p> - We now come to the last consideration, namely (4) the modification of the - present law of marriage. It is pretty clear that people will not much - longer consent to pledge themselves irrevocably for life as at present. - And indeed there are already plentiful indications of a growing change of - practice. The more people come to recognise the sacredness and naturalness - of the real union, the less will they be willing to bar themselves from - this by a life-long and artificial contract made in their salad days. - Hitherto the great bulwark of the existing institution has been the - dependence of Women, which has given each woman a direct and most material - interest in keeping up the supposed sanctity of the bond—and which - has prevented a man of any generosity from proposing an alteration which - would have the appearance of freeing himself at the cost of the woman; but - as this fact of the dependence of women gradually dissolves out, and as - the great fact of the spiritual nature of the true Marriage crystalises - into more clearness—so will the formal bonds which bar the formation - of the latter gradually break away and become of small import. - </p> - <p> - Love when felt at all deeply has an element of transcendentalism in it, - which makes it the most natural thing in the world for the two lovers—even - though drawn together by a passing sex-attraction—to swear eternal - troth to each other; but there is something quite diabolical and - mephistophelean in the practice of the Law, which creeping up behind, as - it were, at this critical moment, and overhearing the two thus pledging - themselves, claps its book together with a triumphant bang, and exclaims: - "There now you are married and done for, for the rest of your natural - lives." - </p> - <p> - What actual changes in Law and Custom the collective sense of society will - bring about is a matter which in its detail we cannot of course foresee or - determine. But that the drift will be, and must be, towards greater - freedom is pretty clear. Ideally speaking it is plain that anything like a - perfect union must have perfect freedom for its condition; and while it is - quite supposable that a lover might out of the fulness of his heart make - promises and give pledges, it is really almost inconceivable that anyone - having that delicate and proud sense which marks deep feeling, could - possibly <i>demand</i> a promise from his loved one. As there is - undoubtedly a certain natural reticence in sex, so perhaps the most decent - thing in true Marriage would be to say nothing, make no promises—either - for a year or a lifetime. Promises are bad at any time, and when the heart - is full silence befits it best. Practically, however, since a love of this - kind is slow to be realised, since social custom is slow to change, and - since the partial dependence and slavery of Woman must yet for a while - continue, it is likely for such period that formal contracts of some kind - will still be made; only these (it may be hoped) will lose their - irrevocable and rigid character, and become in some degree adapted to the - needs of the contracting parties. - </p> - <p> - Such contracts might of course, if adopted, be very very various in - respect to conjugal rights, conditions of termination, division of - property, responsibility for and rights over children, etc. In some cases* - they might be looked upon as preliminary to a more permanent alliance to - be made later on; in others they would provide for disastrous marriages, a - remedy free from the inordinate scandals of the present Divorce Courts. It - may however be said that rather than adopt any new system of contracts, - public opinion in this country would tend to a simple facilitation of - Divorce, and that if the latter were made (with due provision for the - children) to depend on mutual consent, it would become little more than an - affair of registration, and the scandals of the proceeding would be - avoided. In any case we think that marriage-contracts, if existing at all, - must tend more and more to become matters of private arrangement as far as - the relations of husband and wife are concerned, and that this is likely - to happen in proportion as woman becomes more free, and therefore more - competent to act in her own right. It would be felt intolerable, in any - decently constituted society, that the old blunderbuss of the Law should - interfere in the delicate relations of wedded life. As it is to-day the - situation is most absurd. On the one hand, having been constituted from - times back in favor of the male, the Law still gives to the husband - barbarous rights over the person of his spouse; on the other hand, to - compensate for this, it rushes in with the farcicalities of Breach of - Promise; and in any case, having once pronounced its benediction over a - pair—however hateful the alliance may turn out to be to both - parties, and however obvious its failure to the whole world—the - stupid old thing blinks owlishly on at its own work, and professes itself - totally unable to undo the knot which once it tied! - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - * As suggested by Mrs. H. Ellis in her pamphlet A Noviciate - for Marriage. -</pre> - <p> - The only point where there is a permanent ground for State-interference—and - where indeed there is no doubt that the public authority should in some - way make itself felt—is in the matter of the children resulting from - any alliance. Here the relation of the pair ceases to be private and - becomes social; and the interests of the child itself, and of the nation - whose future citizen the child is, have to be safe-guarded. Any contracts, - or any proposals of divorce, before they could be sanctioned by the public - authority, would have to contain satisfactory provisions for the care and - maintenance of the children in such casualties as might ensue; nor ought - there to be maintained any legal distinction between 'natural' and - 'legitimate' children, since it is clear that whatever individuals or - society at large may, in the former case, think of the conduct of the - parents, no disability should on that account accrue to the child, nor - should the parents (if identifiable) be able to escape their full - responsibility for bringing it into the world. - </p> - <p> - If it be objected that such private contracts, or such facilitations of - Divorce, as here spoken of, would simply lead to frivolous experimental - relationships entered into and broken-off <i>ad infinitum</i>, it must be - remembered that the responsibility for due rearing and maintenance of - children must give serious pause to such a career; and that to suppose - that any great mass of the people would find their good in a kind of - matrimonial game of General Post is to suppose that the mass of the people - have really never acquired or been taught the rudiments of common sense in - such matters—is to suppose a case for which there would hardly be a - parallel in the customs of any nation or tribe that we know of. - </p> - <p> - In conclusion, it is evident that no very great change for the better in - marriage-relations can take place except as the accompaniment of - deep-lying changes in Society at large; and that alterations in the Law - alone will effect but a limited improvement. Indeed it is not very likely, - as long as the present commercial order of society lasts, that the - existing Marriage-laws—founded as they are on the idea of property—will - be very radically altered, though they may be to some extent. More likely - is it that, underneath the law, the common practice will slide forward - into newer customs. With the rise of the new society, which is already - outlining itself within the structure of the old, many of the difficulties - and bugbears, that at present seem to stand in the way of a more healthy - relation between the sexes, will of themselves disappear. - </p> - <p> - It must be acknowledged, however, that though a gradual broadening out and - humanising of Law and Custom are quite necessary, it cannot fairly be - charged against these ancient tyrants that they are responsible for all - the troubles connected with sex. There are millions of people to-day who - never could marry happily—however favorable the conditions might be—simply - because their natures do not contain in sufficient strength the elements - of loving surrender to another; and, as long as the human heart is what it - is, there will be natural tragedies arising from the willingness or - unwillingness of one person to release another when the former finds that - his or her love is not returned.* While it is quite necessary that these - natural tragedies should not be complicated and multiplied by needless - legal interference—complicated into the numberless artificial - tragedies which are so exasperating when represented on the stage or in - romance, and so saddening when witnessed in real life—still we may - acknowledge that, short of the millennium, they will always be with us, - and that no institution of marriage alone, or absence of institution, will - rid us of them. That entire and unswerving refusal to 'cage' another - person, or to accept an affection not perfectly free and spontaneous, - which will, we are fain to think, be always more and more the mark of - human love, must inevitably bring its own price of mortal suffering with - it; yet the Love so gained, whether in the individual or in society, will - be found in the end to be worth the pang—and as far beyond the other - love, as is the wild bird of Paradise that comes to feed out of our hands - unbidden more lovely than the prisoner we shut with draggled wings behind - the bars. Love is doubtless the last and most difficult lesson that - humanity has to learn; in a sense it underlies all the others. Perhaps the - time has come for the modern nations when, ceasing to be children, they - may even try to learn it. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - * Perhaps one of the most sombre and inscrutable of these - natural tragedies lies, for Woman, in the fact that the man - to whom she first surrenders her body often acquires for her - (whatever his character may be) so profound and inalienable - a claim upon her heart. While, either for man or woman, it - is almost impossible to thoroughly understand their own - nature, or that of others, till they have had sex- - experience, it happens so that in the case of woman the - experience which should thus give the power of choice is - frequently the very one which seals her destiny. It reveals - to her, as at a glance, the tragedy of a life-time which - lies before her, and yet which she cannot do other than - accept. -</pre> - <div style="height: 6em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - - - - - -End of Project Gutenberg's Marriage In Free Society, by Edward Carpenter - -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MARRIAGE IN FREE SOCIETY *** - -***** This file should be named 40209-h.htm or 40209-h.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: - http://www.gutenberg.org/4/0/2/0/40209/ - -Produced by David Widger - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions -will be renamed. - -Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no -one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation -(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without -permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or -re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included -with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org - - -Title: Marriage In Free Society - -Author: Edward Carpenter - -Release Date: July 11, 2012 [EBook #40209] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: ASCII - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MARRIAGE IN FREE SOCIETY *** - - - - -Produced by David Widger - - - - - -MARRIAGE - -IN FREE SOCIETY: - -By Edward Carpenter - -1894 - - - - -MARRIAGE - - - - -I. - -OF the great mystery of human Love, and that most intimate personal -relation of two souls to each other--perhaps the firmest, most basic -and indissoluble fact (after our own existence) that we know; of -that strange sense--often, perhaps generally, instantaneous--of long -precedent familiarity and kinship, that deep reliance on and acceptation -of another in his or her entirety; of the tremendous strength of the -chain which thus at times will bind two hearts in lifelong dedication -and devotion, persuading and indeed not seldom compelling the persons -concerned to the sacrifice of some of the other elements of their lives -and characters; and, withal, of a certain inscrutable veiledness from -each other which so frequently accompanies the relation of the -opposite sexes, and which forms at once the abiding charm, and the -pain--sometimes the tragedy--of their union; of this palpitating winged -living thing, which one may perhaps call the real Marriage--I would say -but little; for indeed it is only fitting or possible to speak of it by -indirect language and suggestion, nor may one venture to rudely drag it -from its sanctuary into the light of the common gaze. - -Compared with this, the actual marriage, in its squalid perversity as -we too often have occasion of knowing it, is as the wretched idol of the -savage to the reality which it is supposed to represent; and one seems -to hear the Aristophanic laughter of the gods as they contemplate man's -little clay image of the Heavenly Love--which, cracked in the fire of -daily life, he is fain to bind together with rusty hoops of law, and -parchment bands, lest it should crumble and fall to pieces altogether. - -The whole subject, wide as life itself--as Heaven and Hell--eludes -anything like adequate treatment, and we need make no apology for -narrowing down our considerations here to just a few practical -points; and if we cannot navigate upward into the very heart of the -matter--namely, into the causes which make some people love each other -with a true and perfect love, and others unite in obedience to but a -counterfeit passion--yet we may fairly, I imagine, and with profit, -study some of the conditions which give to actual marriage its present -form, or which in the future are likely to provide real affection with a -more satisfactory expression than it has as a rule to-day. - -Yet the subject, even so limited, is one on which it is extremely -difficult to get a calm audience. Marriage customs (however much they -may differ from race to race) are at any one time and among any one folk -remarkably tenacious, being sanctioned by almost a violence of public -opinion; and as in the case of theology or politics, their mere -discussion is liable to infuriate people--perhaps from the very fact -that the subject is so complex and so deeply rooted in personal feeling. -Nevertheless--since alterations have to take place in these as in other -customs, and since, as many things indicate, we are moving towards a -distinct period of change in matters matrimonial--it would seem that the -more rationally we can survey these questions beforehand, the better. - -It will probably be felt that certain present difficulties in the -marriage-relation are not merely casual or local, but are deeply -intertwined with a long series of historical causes, which have led up -to that exaggerated differentiation, and consequent misunderstanding, -between the sexes, of which we have spoken in a former paper.* Behind -the relation of any individual man and woman to each other stands the -historical age-evolved relation of the two sexes generally, spreading -round and enclosing the former on all sides, and creating the social -environment from which the individuals can hardly escape. Two young -people in the present day may come together, but their relation is -already largely determined by causes over which they have no control. - - * Woman: Labour Press Society, Manchester. - -As a rule they know but little of each other; society has kept the two -sexes apart; the boy and the girl have been brought up along different -lines; they hardly understand each other's nature; their mental -interests and occupations are different; and as they grow up their -worldly interests and advantage are seen to be different, often opposed; -public opinion separates their spheres and their rights and their -duties, and their honor and their dishonor* very sharply from each -other. The subject of sex is a sealed book to the girl; to the youth -it is possibly a book whose most dismal page has been opened first; in -either case with its very mention is probably connected a painful and -irrational sense of wickedness. - -In this state of confusion of mind, of mutual misunderstanding, and -often of suffering, the Sex-glamor suddenly descends upon the two -individuals and drives them into each other's arms. It envelopes in a -gracious and misty halo all their differences and misapprehensions. They -marry without misgiving; and their hearts overflow with gratitude to -the white-surpliced old gentleman who reads the service over them. It is -only at a later hour, and with calmer thought, that they realise that -it is a life-sentence which he has so suavely passed upon them--not -reducible (as in the case of ordinary convicts) even to a term of 20 -years. - - * See Webster's Dictionary, which gives as one of the - meanings of Honor, "any particular virtue much valued, as - bravery in men and chastity in females." - -The married life, in so strange and casual a way begun, or drifted -into, is hardly, one might think, likely to turn out well. Sometimes, of -course, it does; but in many cases, perhaps the majority, there follows -a painful awakening. A brief burst of satisfaction, accompanied, -probably through sheer ignorance, by gross neglect of the law of -transmutation; satiety on the physical plane, followed by vacuity of -affection on the higher planes, and that succeeded by boredom, and even -nausea; the girl, full perhaps of a tender emotion, and missing the -sympathy and consolation she expected in the man's love, only to find -its more materialistic side--"This, this then is what I am wanted for." -The man, who looked for a companion, finding he can rouse no -mortal interest in his wife's mind save in the most exasperating -trivialities;--whatever the cause may be, a veil has fallen from -before their faces, and there they sit, held together now by the least -honorable interests, the interests which they themselves can least -respect, but to which Law and Religion lend all their weight. The -monetary dependence of the woman, the mere sex-needs of the man, the -fear of public opinion, all form motives, and motives of the meanest -kind, for maintaining the seeming tie; and the relation of the two -hardens down into a dull neutrality, in which lives and characters are -narrowed and blunted, and deceit becomes the common weapon which guards -divided interests. - -A sad picture! and of course in this case a portrayal deliberately of -the seamy side of the matter. But who shall make light of the agonies -often gone through in those first few years of married life? - -It may be said--and often of course is said--that such cases as these -only prove that marriage was entered into under the influence of a -passing glamor and delusion, and that there was not much real devotion -to begin with. And no doubt there is truth enough in such remarks. -But--we may say in reply--because two young people make a mistake in -youth, to condemn them, for that reason, to lifelong suffering and -mutual degradation, or to see them so condemned, without proposing any -hope or way of deliverance, but with the one word "serves you right" on -the lips, is a course which can commend itself only to the grimmest and -dullest Calvinist. Whatever safe-guards against a too frivolous view -of the relationship may be proposed by the good sense of society in -the future, it is certain that the time has gone past when Marriage -can continue to be regarded as a supernatural institution to whose -maintenance human bodies and souls must be indiscriminately sacrificed; -a humaner, wiser, and less panic-stricken treatment of the subject must -set in; and if there are difficulties in the way they must be met by -patient and calm consideration of human welfare--superior to any law, -however ancient and respectable. - -I take it then that, without disguising the fact that the question is -a complex one, and that our conclusions may be only very tentative, we -have to consider as rationally as we conveniently can, first, some of -the drawbacks or defects of the present marriage-customs, and secondly -such improvements in these as may suggest themselves to us, and as may -seem feasible. - -And if we turn to the question of how things stand in the present day, -one of the first points to strike us--and one that we have already -touched on in another paper*--is the serious want of any special -teaching to young folk on matters of love and sex, and the -responsibility resting on parents and teachers to supply this want. That -one ought to distinguish a passing sex-spell from a true comradeship and -devotion is no doubt a wise remark, but that it is often difficult, even -for adults, to do so makes it all the more necessary that young people -should have some rational ideas on the subject, and above all that they -should get some understanding of the nature of that true love which -alone can make marriage a success. The search for a fitting mate, -especially among the more sensitive and highly-organised types of -mankind, is a most complex affair. And it is indeed hard that the -young man or woman should have to set out--as they mostly have to do -to-day--on this difficult quest without a word of suggestion or help, -as to the choice of the way or the very real perplexites and doubts that -beset it. - - *Sex-Love, and its place in a Free Society. Labour Press, - Manchester. - -Then, besides this more general teaching, it is also highly necessary -that those in question should have some knowledge of the use and -guardianship of their own sex-functions. If the youth and girl whom we -have supposed as about to be married had been brought up in almost any -tribe of savages, they would a few years previously have gone through -regular offices of initiation into manhood and womanhood, during which -time ceremonies (possibly indecent in our eyes) would at any rate have -made many misapprehensions impossible. As it is, the civilised girl is -led to the 'altar;' often in uttermost ignorance and misunderstanding -as to the nature of the sacrificial rites about to be consummated. The -youth too (does it not seem strange?) has never been taught how to use -the female in this most important moment of their joint lives. Perhaps -he is unaware that love in the female is, in a sense, more diffused than -in the male, less specially sexual; that it dwells longer in caresses -and embraces, and determines itself more slowly towards the reproductive -system. Impatient, he injures and horrifies his partner, and -unconsciously perhaps aggravates the very hysterical tendency which -marriage might and should have allayed.* - -Among the middle and well-to-do classes especially, the conditions of -high civilisation, by inducing an overfed masculinity in the males and -a nervous and hysterical tendency in the females,** increase the -difficulties mentioned; and it is among the 'classes' too that public -opinion, largely by repressing the utterance and ignoring the existence -of sex-feeling, has created the special evils of sex-starvation and -sex-ignorance on the one hand, and of mere licentiousness on the other. - - * It must be remembered too that to many women (though of - course by no means a majority) the thought of Sex brings - little sense of pleasure, and the fulfilment of its duties - constitutes a real, even though a willing, sacrifice. - - ** Thus Bebel in his book on Woman speaks of "the idle and - luxuriant life of so many women in the upper classes, the - nervous stimulant afforded by exquisite perfumes, the over- - dosing with poetry, music, the stage--which is regarded as - the chief means of education, and is the chief occupation, - of a sex already suffering from hypertrophy of nerves and - sensibility." - -Among the comparatively uncivilised mass of the people, where a good -deal of familiarity between the sexes exists before marriage, and -where indeed marriage not unfrequently follows on sex-connection, these -special evils are not so prominent. But among the masses the crying need -for some sensible and coherent teaching for the young is only too -clear; and it is perhaps among the masses that the neglect of the law of -transmutation works to more evil results than among the classes; since -among the former--sex-intercourse being comparatively accessible, -and obstacles to marriage (from monetary and other considerations) -comparatively infrequent--the feeling is liable to flow far too much -along the mere physical channels; and the romance and sweet comradeship -of love, especially after marriage, comes too often to be replaced by an -inert and indeed rather brutish sentiment of simple juxtaposition. - -So far with regard to difficulties arising from personal ignorance or -inexperience in youth. But stretching beyond and around all these are -those other difficulties which are due to the marked special relation of -the woman to the man in civilised society generally, and of the man to -the woman; and which arise from deep-lying historic and economic causes. -Into the large subject of these causes it is not necessary to enter -here. Suffice it to say that the difference in physical strength -between the sexes, together with woman's disability during the period of -child-birth and rearing, gave man from early times an advantage, which -complicating itself during the historical period has ultimated (though -not of course in the present day only) in what may be called the slavery -of woman, her subordination to man, and dependence on him for the means -of subsistence; the result being that, till a comparatively few years -ago, the woman was condemned to the most special and indeed narrow -sphere of life and action; her education, as for this sphere, was most -limited, and quite different from that of the man; and her interests -were wholly diverse from and often quite opposed to his. Under these -circumstances there was naturally little common ground for Marriage, -_except_ sex. And the same remains largely true even down to to-day. The -sex-needs once satisfied, and the emotional charm weakened or undone, -man and wife not unfrequently wake up with something like dismay to find -how little they have left in common; to find that they have nothing in -which they can take interest together; that they cannot work at the same -things, that they cannot read the same books, that they cannot keep up -half-an-hour's conversation together on any topic, and that secretly -they are cherishing their own thoughts and projects quite apart from -each other. - -It must suffice too to remind the reader quite briefly that this -divergence has crept deep down into the moral and intellectual natures -of the two sexes, exaggerating the naturally complementary relation of -the male and female into a painful caricature of strength on the one -hand and dependence on the other. This is well seen in the ordinary -marriage-relation of the common-prayer-book type. The frail and delicate -female is supposed to cling round the sturdy husband's form, or to -depend from his arm in graceful incapacity; and the spectator is called -upon to admire the charming effect of the union--as of the ivy with the -oak--forgetful of the terrible moral, namely, that (in the case of the -trees at any rate) it is really a death-struggle which is going on, -in which either the oak must perish suffocated in the embraces of its -partner, or in order to free the former into anything like healthy -development the ivy must be sacrificed. - -Too often of course of such marriages the egoism, lordship and physical -satisfaction of the man are the chief motive causes. The woman is -practically sacrificed to the part of the maintenance of these male -virtues. It is for her to spend her days in little forgotten details -of labor and anxiety for the sake of the man's superior comfort and -importance, to give up her needs to his whims, to 'humour' him in all -ways she can; it is for her to wipe her mind clear of all opinions in -order that she may hold it up as a kind of mirror in which he may behold -reflected his lordly self; and it is for her to sacrifice even her -physical health and natural instincts in deference to what is called her -'duty' to her husband. - -How bitterly _alone_ many such a woman feels! She has dreamed of being -folded in the arms of a strong man, and surrendering herself, her life, -her mind, her all, to his service. Of course it is an unhealthy dream, -an illusion, a mere luxury of love; and it is destined to be dashed. -She has to learn that self-surrender may be just as great a crime as -self-assertion. She finds that her very willingness to be sacrificed -only fosters in the man, perhaps for his own self-defence, the egotism -and coldness that so cruelly wound her. - -For how often does he with keen prevision see that if he gives way from -his coldness the clinging dependent creature will infallibly overgrow -and smother him!--that she will cut her woman-friends, will throw aside -all her own interests and pursuits in order to 'devote' herself to him, -and, affording no sturdy character of her own in which _he_ can take any -interest, will hang the festoons of her affection on every ramification -of his wretched life--nor leave him a corner free--till he perishes -from all manhood and social or heroic uses into a mere matrimonial -clothespeg, a warning and a wonderment to passers by! - -However, as a third alternative, it sometimes happens that the Woman, -too wise to sacrifice her own life indiscriminately to the egoism of -her husband, and not caring for the 'festoon' method, adopts the middle -course of _appearing_ to minister to him while really pursuing her -own purposes. She cultivates the gentle science of indirectness. While -holding up a mirror for the Man to admire himself in, _behind that -mirror_ she goes her own way and carries out her own designs, separate -from him; and while sacrificing her body to his wants, she does so quite -deliberately and for a definite reason, namely, because she has found -out that she can so get a shelter for herself and her children, and can -solve the problem of that maintenance which society has hitherto denied -to her in her own right. For indeed by a cruel fate women have -been placed in exactly that position where the sacrifice of their -self-respect for base motives has easily passed beyond a temptation into -being a necessity. They have had to live, and have too often only been -able to do so by selling themselves into bondage to the man. Willing or -unwilling, overworked or dying, they have had to bear children to the -caprice of their lords; and in this serf-life their very natures have -been blunted; they have lost--what indeed should be the very glory and -crown of woman's being--the perfect freedom and the purity of their -love. - -At this whole spectacle of woman's degradation the human male has looked -on with stupid and open-mouthed indifference--as an ox might look on at -a drowning oxherd--not even dimly divining that his own fate was somehow -involved. He has calmly and obliviously watched the woman drift farther -and farther away from him, till at last, with the loss of an intelligent -and mutual understanding between the sexes, Love with unequal wings has -fallen lamed to the ground. Yet it would be idle to deny that even in -such a state of affairs as that depicted, men and women have in the past -and do often even now find some degree of satisfaction--simply indeed -because their types of character are such as belong to, and have been -evolved in accordance with, this relation. - -To-day, however, there are thousands of women--and everyday more -thousands--to whom such a lopsided alliance is detestable; who are -determined that they will no longer endure the arrogant lordship and -egoism of men, nor countenance in themselves or other women the craft -and servility which are the necessary complements of the relation; who -see too clearly in the oak-and-ivy marriage its parasitism on the -one hand and strangulation on the other to be sensible of any -picturesqueness; who feel too that they have capacities and powers of -their own which need space and liberty, and some degree of sympathy and -help, for their unfolding; and who believe that they have work to do -in the world, as important in its own way as any that men do in theirs. -Such women have broken into open warfare--not against marriage, but -against a marriage which makes true and equal love an impossibility. -They feel that as long as women are economically dependent they _cannot_ -stand up for themselves and insist on those rights which men from -stupidity and selfishness will not voluntarily grant them. - -On the other hand there are thousands--and one would hope every day more -thousands--of men who (whatever their forerunners may have thought) do -_not_ desire or think it delightful to have a glass continually held up -for them to admire themselves in; who look for a partner in whose life -and pursuits they can find some interest, rather than for one who has no -interest but in them; who think perhaps that they would rather minister -than be (like a monkey fed with nuts in a cage) the melancholy object of -another person's ministrations; and who at any rate feel that love, in -order to be love at all, must be absolutely open and sincere, and -free from any sentiment of dependence or inequality. They see that the -present cramped condition of women is not only the cause of the false -relation between the sexes, but that it is the fruitful source--through -its debarment of any common interests--of that fatal boredom of which we -have spoken, and which is the bugbear of marriage; and they would gladly -surrender all of that masterhood and authority which is supposed to be -their due, if they could only get in return something like a frank and -level comradeship. - -Thus while we see in the present inequality of the sexes an undoubted -source of marriage troubles and unsatisfactory alliances, we see also -forces at work which are tending to reaction, and to bringing the two -nearer again to each other--so that while differentiated they will not -perhaps in the future be quite so _much_ differentiated as now, but -only to a degree which will enhance and adorn, instead of destroy, their -sense of mutual sympathy. - -There is another point which ought to be considered as contributing -to the ill-success of many marriages, and which no doubt is closely -connected with that just discussed--but which deserves separate -treatment. I mean the harshness of the line which social opinion (at any -rate in this country) draws round the married pair with respect to their -relations to outsiders. On the one hand, and within the matrimonial -relation, society allows practically the utmost passional excess or -indulgence, and condones it; on the other hand (I am speaking of the -middling bulk of the people, not of the extreme aristocratic and slum -classes) beyond that limit, the slightest familiarity, or any expression -of affection which might by any possibility be interpreted as deriving -from sexual feeling, is sternly anathematised. - -Marriage, by a kind of absurd fiction, is represented as an oasis -situated in the midst of an arid desert--in which latter, it is -pretended, neither of the two parties is so fortunate as to find any -objects of real affectional interest. If they do they have carefully to -conceal the same from the other party. - -The result of this convention is obvious enough. The married pair, -thus _driven_ as well as drawn into closest continual contact with each -other, are put through an ordeal which might well cause the stoutest -affection to quail. Not only, as already pointed out, have the man and -the wife too few joint interests in the great world, few common plans, -projects, purposes, 'causes,' recreations; but--by this insistance of -public opinion--all outside interests of a _personal_ nature, except of -the most abstract kind, are also debarred; if there happens to be -any natural jealousy in the case it is heightened and made the more -imperative; and unless the contracting parties are fortunate enough to -be, both of them, of such a temperament that they are capable of strong -attachments to persons of their own sex--and this does not always -exclude jealousy--they must be condemned to have no intimate friendships -of any kind except what they can find at their own fireside. - -It is necessary here to point out, not only how dull a place this makes -the home, but also how narrowing it acts on the lives of the married -pair. However appropriate the union may be in itself it cannot be good -that it should degenerate--as it tends to degenerate so often, and where -man and wife are most faithful to each other, into a mere _egoisme -a deux_. And right enough no doubt as a great number of such unions -actually are, it must be confessed that the bourgeois marriage as a -rule, and just in its most successful and pious and respectable form, -carries with it an odious sense of Stuffiness and narrowness, moral and -intellectual; and that the type of Family which it provides is too -often like that which is disclosed when on turning over a large stone we -disturb an insect. Home that seldom sees the light. - -But in cases where the marriage does not happen to be particularly -successful or unsuccessful, when perhaps a true but not overpoweringly -intense affection is satiated at a needlessly early stage by the -continual and unrelieved impingement of the two personalities on -each other, then the boredom resulting is something frightful to -contemplate--and all the more so because of the genuine affection behind -it, which contemplates with horror its own suicide. The weary couples -that may be seen at seaside places and pleasure resorts--the respectable -working-man with his wife trailing along by his side, or the highly -respectable stock-jobber arm-in-arm with his better and larger -half--their blank faces, utter want of any common topic of conversation -which has not been exhausted a thousand times already, and their obvious -relief when the hour comes which will take them back to their several -and divided occupations--these illustrate sufficiently what I mean. The -curious thing is that jealousy (accentuated as it is by social opinion) -sometimes increases in exact proportion to mutual boredom; and there are -thousands of cases of married couples leading a cat-and-dog life, and -knowing that they weary each other to distraction, who for that very -reason dread all the more to lose sight of each other, and thus never -get a chance of that holiday from their own society, and renewal of -outside interests, which would make a genuine affectional association -possible. - -Thus the sharpness of the line which society draws around the pair, and -the kind of fatal snap-of-the-lock with which marriage suddenly cuts -them off from the world, not only precluding the two, as might fairly be -thought advisable, from sexual, but also barring any openly affectional -relations with outsiders, and corroborating the selfish sense of -monopoly which each has in the other,--these things lead inevitably to -the narrowing down of lives and the blunting of general human interests, -to intense mutual ennui, and when (as an escape from these evils) -outside relations are covertly indulged in, to prolonged and systematic -deceit. - -From all which the only conclusion seems to be that marriage must be -either alive or dead. As a dead thing it can of course be petrified into -a hard and fast formula, but if it is to be a living bond, that living -bond must be trusted to, to hold the lovers together; nor be too -forcibly stiffened and contracted by private jealousy and public -censorship, lest the thing that it would preserve for us perish so, -and cease altogether to be beautiful. It is the same with this as with -everything else. If we would have a living thing, we must give that -thing some degree of liberty--even though liberty bring with it risk. If -we would debar all liberty and all risk, then we can have only the mummy -and dead husk of the thing. - -Thus far I have had the somewhat invidious task, but perhaps necessary -as a preliminary one, of dwelling on the defects and drawbacks of the -present marriage system. I am sensible that, with due discretion, some -things might have been said, which have not been said, in its praise; -its successful, instead of its unsuccessful, instances might have been -cited; and taking for granted the dependence of women, and other points -which have already been sufficiently discussed--it might have been -possible to show that the bourgeois arrangement was on the whole as -satisfactory as could be expected. But such a course would neither have -been sincere, nor have served any practical purpose. In view of the -actually changing relations between the sexes, it is obvious that -changes in the form of the marriage institution are impending, and the -questions which are really pressing on folks' mind are: What are those -changes going to be; and, Of what kind do we wish them to be? - -In answer to the last question it is not improbable that the casual -reader might suppose the writer of these pages to be in favor of a -general and indiscriminate loosening of all ties--for indeed it is -always easy to draw a large inference even from a careful expression. - -But such a conclusion would be rash. There is little doubt, I think, -that the compulsion of the marriage-tie (whether moral, social, -or merely legal) acts beneficially in a considerable number of -cases--though it is obvious that the more the compelling force takes a -moral or social form and the less purely legal it is, the better; -and that any changes which led to a cheap and continual transfer of -affections from one object to another would be disastrous both to the -character and happiness of a population. While we are bound to see -that the marriage-relation--in order to become the indwelling-place of -Love--must be made far more _free_ than it is at present, we may also -recognise that a certain amount of external pressure is not (as things -are at least) without its uses: that, for instance, it tends on the -whole to concentrate affectional experience and romance on one object, -and that though this may mean a loss at times in breadth it means a gain -in depth and intensity; that, in many cases, if it were not for some -kind of bond, the two parties, after their first passion for each other -was past, and when the unavoidable period of friction had set in, might -in a moment of irritation easily fly apart, whereas being forced for -a while to tolerate each other's defects they learn thereby one of the -best lessons of life--a tender forbearance and gentleness, which as time -goes on does not unfrequently deepen again into a more pure and perfect -love even than at first--a love founded indeed on the first physical -intimacy, but concentrated and intensified by years of linked -experience, of twined associations, of shared labors, and of mutual -forgiveness; and in the third place that the existence of a distinct tie -or pledge discredits the easily-current idea that mere pleasure-seeking -is to be the object of the association of the sexes--a phantasmal and -delusive notion, which if it once got its head, and the bit between its -teeth, might soon dash the car of human advance in ruin to the ground. - -But having said thus much, it is obvious that external public opinion -and pressure are looked upon only as having an _educational_ value; -and the question arises whether there is beneath this any _reality_ of -marriage which will ultimately emerge and make itself felt, enabling men -and women to order their relations to each other, and to walk freely, -unhampered by props or pressures from without. - -And it would hardly be worth while writing on this subject, if one did -not believe in some such reality. Practically I do not doubt that the -more people think about these matters, and the more experience they -have, the more they must ever come to feel that there _is_ such a -thing as a permanent and life-long union--perhaps a many-life-long -union--founded on some deep elements of attachment and congruity in -character; and the more they must come to prize the constancy and -loyalty which rivets such unions, in comparison with the fickle passion -which tends to dissipate them. - -In all men who have reached a certain grade of evolution, and certainly -in almost all women, the deep rousing of the sexual nature carries -with it a romance and tender emotional yearning towards the object of -affection, which lasts on and is not forgotten, even when the sexual -attraction has ceased to be strongly felt. This, in favorable cases, -forms the basis of what may almost be called an amalgamated personality. -That there should exist one other person in the world towards whom all -openness of interchange should establish itself, from whom there should -be no concealment; whose body should be as dear to one, in every part, -as one's own; with whom there should be no sense of Mine or Thine, in -property or possession; into whose mind one's thoughts should naturally -flow, as it were to know themselves and to receive a new illumination; -and between whom and oneself there should be a spontaneous rebound of -sympathy in all the joys and sorrows and experiences of life; such is -perhaps one of the dearest wishes of the soul. It is obvious however -that this state of affairs cannot be reached at a single leap, but must -be the gradual result of years of intertwined memory and affection. -For such a union Love must lay the foundation, but patience and gentle -consideration and self-control must work unremittingly to perfect the -structure. At length each lover comes to know the complexion of the -other's mind, the wants, bodily and mental, the needs, the regrets, -the satisfactions of the other, almost as his or her own--and without -prejudice in favor of self rather than in favor of the other; above -all, both parties come to know in course of time, and after perhaps some -doubts and trials, that the great want, the great need, which holds -them together, is not going to fade away into thin air, but is going to -become stronger and more indefeasible as the years go on. There falls a -sweet, an irresistible, trust over their relation to each other, which -consecrates as it were the double life, making both feel that nothing -can now divide; and robbing each of all desire to remain, when death has -indeed (or at least in outer semblance) removed the other.* - - It is curious that the early Church Service had "Till - death us depart"--but in 1661 this was altered to "Till - death us do part." - -So perfect and gracious a union--even if not always realised--is still, -I say, the _bona fide_ desire of most of those who have ever thought -about such matters. It obviously yields far more and more enduring joy -and satisfaction in life than any number of frivolous relationships. -It commends itself to the common sense, so to speak, of the modern -mind--and does not require, for its proof, the artificial authority of -Church and State. At the same time it is equally evident--and a child -could understand this--that it requires some rational forbearance and -self-control for its realisation, and it is quite intelligible too, -as already said, that there _may_ be cases in which a little outside -pressure, of social opinion, or even actual law, may be helpful for -the supplementing or re-inforcement of the weak personal self-control of -those concerned. - -The modern Monogamic Marriage however, certified and sanctioned by -Church and State, though apparently directed to this ideal, has for the -most part fallen short of it. For in constituting--as in a vast number -of cases--a union resting on _nothing_ but the outside pressure of -Church and State, it constituted a thing obviously and by its nature -bad and degrading; while in its more successful instances by a too -great exclusiveness it has condemned itself to a fatal narrowness and -stuffiness. - -Looking back to the historical and physiological aspects of the question -it might of course be contended--and probably with some truth--that the -human male is, by his nature and needs, polygamous. Nor is it necessary -to suppose that polygamy in certain countries and races is by any means -so degrading or unsuccessful an institution as some folk would have it -to be.* But, as Letourneau in his "Evolution of Marriage" points out, -the progress of society in the past has on the whole been from confusion -to distinction; and we may fairly suppose that with the progress of -our own race (for each race no doubt has its special genius in such -matters), and as the spiritual and emotional sides of man develop in -relation to the physical, there is probably a tendency for our deeper -alliances to become more unitary. Though it might be said that the -growing complexity of man's nature would be likely to lead him into more -rather than fewer relationships, yet on the other hand it is obvious -that as the depth and subtlety of any attachment that will really -hold him increases, so does such attachment become more permanent and -durable, and less likely to be realised in a number of persons. -Woman, on the other hand, cannot be said to be by her physical nature -polyandrous as man is polygynous. Though of course there are plenty of -examples of women living in a state of polyandry both among savage -and civilised peoples, yet her more limited sexual needs, and her long -periods of gestation, render one mate physically sufficient for her; -while her more clinging affectional nature perhaps accentuates her -capacity of absorption in the one. - - * See R. F. Burton's Pilgrimage to El-Medinah and Meccah, - ch. xxiv. He says however "As far as my limited observations - go polyandry is the only state of society in which jealousy - and quarrels about the sex are the exception and not the - rule of life!" - -In both man and woman then we may say that we find a distinct tendency -towards the formation of this double unit of wedded life (I hardly like -to use the word Monogamy on account of its sad associations)--and -while we do not want to stamp such natural unions with any false -irrevocability or dogmatic exclusiveness, what we do want is a -recognition to-day of the tendency to their formation as a natural -_fact_, independent of any artificial laws, just as one might believe in -the natural bias of two atoms of certain different chemical substances -to form a permanent compound atom or molecule. Such unions as that -depicted a page or two back, built up by patient and loving care over a -long stretch of years, and becoming at last in a sense impregnable, -do, we maintain, by their actual growth and evolution exemplify this -tendency. - -It might not be so very difficult to get quite young people to -understand this--to understand that even though they might have to -contend with some superfluity of passion in early years, yet that the -most permanent and most deeply-rooted desire within them will in all -probability lead them at last to find their complete happiness and -self-fulfilment only in a close union with a life-mate; and that towards -this end they must be prepared to use self-control to prevent the -aimless straying of their passions, and patience and tenderness towards -the realisation of the union when its time comes. Probably most youths -and girls, at the age of romance, would easily appreciate this position; -and it would bring to them a much more effective and natural idea of the -sacredness of Marriage than they ever get from the artificial thunder of -the Church and the State on the subject. - -No doubt the suggestion of the mere possibility of any added freedom -of choice and experience in the relations of the sexes will be very -alarming to some people--but it is so, I think, not because they are at -all ignorant that men already take to themselves considerable latitude, -and that a distinct part of the undoubted evils that accompany that -latitude springs from the fact that it is not recognised; not because -they are ignorant that a vast number of respectable women and girls -suffer frightful calamities and anguish by reason of the utter -_inexperience_ of sex in which they are brought up and have to live; -but because such good people assume that any the least loosening of the -formal barriers between the sexes must mean (and must be meant to mean) -an utter dissolution of all ties, and the reign of mere licentiousness. -They are convinced that nothing but the most unyielding and indeed -exasperating straight-jacket can save society from madness and ruin. - -To such folk the appearance of our child--the real Marriage--now -presented for their consideration (not without some care it must be -admitted, as to the smoothing of its hair and pinafore, and the trimming -of its naughty little nails) will be strangely disquieting. Accustomed -to look on human nature as essentially bad, and on Law and Convention as -the _only_ things that restrain it from wild excess, it will be hard for -them to believe that there is any formative principle of decent life -in the apparition before them. We are however prepared to contend that, -appearances or prejudices notwithstanding there is a heart of goodness -in the young thing; and that, anyhow, whatever we may think or wish, it -is here already and among us, and that practically what we have to do is -to consider how it can best be made to grow up into a useful member of -society. - -In fact, and to leave metaphor; when after quietly looking all round the -subject we have satisfied ourselves that the formation of a mere or -less permanent double unit is--for our race and time--on the whole -the natural and ascendant law of sex-union, slowly and with whatever -exceptions establishing and enforcing itself independently of any -artificial enactments that exist, then we shall not feel called upon to -tear our hair or rend our garments at the prospect of added freedom for -the operation of this force, but shall rather be anxious to consider how -it may best _be_ freed and given room for development and growth to its -most perfect use in the social order. And it will probably seem to us -(looking back to the earlier part of this paper) that the points which -most need consideration, as means to this end, are (1) the furtherance -of the freedom and self-dependence of women; (2) the provision of some -rational teaching, of heart and of head, for both sexes during the -period of youth; (3) the recognition in marriage itself of a freer, -more companionable, and less pettily exclusive relationship; and (4) the -abrogation or modification of the present odious law which binds people -together for _life_, without scruple, and in the most artificial and -ill-assorted unions. - -It must be admitted that the first point (1) is of basic importance. -As true Freedom cannot be without Love, so true Love cannot be without -Freedom. You cannot truly give yourself to another, unless you are -master or mistress of yourself to begin with. Not only has the general -_custom_ of the self-dependence and self-ownership of women to be -gradually introduced, but the Law has to be altered in a variety of -cases where it lags behind the public conscience in these matters--as in -actual marriage, where it still leaves woman uncertain as to her rights -over her own body, or in politics, where it still denies to her a voice -in the framing of the laws which are to bind her. And beyond this, since -in the modern industrial-commercial State all Freedom has to be largely -based on industrial and monetary freedom, it is obviously of paramount -necessity that woman should have liberal access to professional spheres -and the means of securing her own independent monetary position through -ordinary industrial channels. Whatever the future may bring about in -the way of a changed social order and a consequently changed basis for -woman's independence, it is clear that as things are now, and for a long -time yet, her real freedom can only be secured through her command, even -in the face of man, of the ordinary resources of the wage-earner. - -With regard to (2) hardly any one at this time of day would seriously -doubt the desirability of giving adequate teaching to boys and girls. -That is a point on which we have sufficiently touched, and which need -not be farther discussed here. But beyond this it is important, and -especially perhaps, as things stand now, for girls--that each youth or -girl should personally see enough of the other sex at an early period to -be able to form some kind of judgment of his or her relation to that -sex and to sex-matters generally. It is monstrous that the first case -of sex-glamor--the true nature of which would be exposed by a little -experience--should, perhaps for two people, decide the destinies of a -life-time. Yet the more the sexes are kept apart, the more overwhelming -does this glamor become, and the more ignorance is there, on either -side, as to its nature. No doubt it is one of the great advantages -of co-education of the sexes, that it tends to diminish these evils. -Co-education, games and sports to some extent in common, and the doing -away with the absurd superstition that because Corydon and Phyllis -happen to kiss each other sitting on a gate, therefore they must live -together all their lives, would soon mend matters considerably. Nor -would a reasonable familiarity between the sexes in youth--tempered, as -it would be, by previous education and by the subsidence of the -blind passion--necessarily mean an increase of casual or clandestine -sex-relations. But even if casualties of this kind did occur they -would not be the fatal and unpardonable sins that they now at least for -girls--are considered to be. Though the recognition of anything like -common pre-matrimonial sex-intercourse would probably be foreign to the -temper of a northern nation; yet it is open to question whether Society -here, in its mortal and fetichistic dread of the thing, has not, by -keeping the young of both sexes in ignorance and darkness and seclusion -from each other, created worse ills and suffering than it has prevented, -and whether it has not indeed intensified the particular evil that it -dreaded, rather than abated it. - -In the next place (3) we come to the establishment in marriage itself of -a freer and broader and more healthy relationship than generally exists -at the present time. Attractive as the ideal of the exclusive attachment -is, it runs the fatal risk, as we have already pointed out, of lapsing -into a mere stagnant double selfishness. But, in this world, Love is fed -not by what it takes, but by what it gives; and the very excellent dual -love of man and wife must be fed also by the love they give to others. -If they cannot come out of their secluded haven to reach a hand to -others, or even to give some boon of affection to those who need it -more than themselves, or if they mistrust each other in doing so, then -assuredly they are not very well fitted to live together. - -A marriage, so free, so spontaneous, that it would allow of wide -excursions of the pair from each other, in common or even in separate -objects of work and interest, and yet would hold them all the time in -the bond of absolute sympathy, would by its very freedom be all the more -poignantly attractive, and by its very scope and breadth all the richer -and more vital--would be in a sense indestructible; like the relation of -two suns which, revolving in fluent and rebounding curves, only recede -from each other in order to return again with renewed swiftness into -close proximity--and which together blend their rays into the glory of -one cosmic double star. - -It has been the inability to see or understand this very simple truth -that has largely contributed to the failure of the Monogamie union. The -narrow physical passion of jealousy, the petty sense of private property -in another person, social opinion, and legal enactments, have all -converged to choke and suffocate wedded love in egoism, lust, and -meanness. But surely it is not very difficult (for those who believe in -the real thing) to imagine so sincere and natural a trust between man -and wife that neither would be greatly alarmed at the other's -friendship with a third person, nor conclude at once that it meant mere -infidelity--or difficult even to imagine that such a friendship might be -hailed as a gain by both parties. And if it is quite impossible (to -some people) to see in such intimacies anything but a confusion of all -sex-relations and a chaos of mere animal desire, we can only reply that -this view of the situation is probably one that arises greatly out -of the present marriage system, and the modes of thought which it -engenders--and that anyhow the difficulty to which it refers is likely -to be guarded against better by candor and a little common sense than by -hysterics and deception. In order to suppose a rational marriage at all -one must credit the parties concerned with some modicum of common sense -and self-control. - -Withal, seeing the remarkable and immense _variety_ of love in human -nature, when the feeling is really touched--how the love-offering of -one person's soul and body is entirely different from that of another -person's, so much so as almost to require another name--how one passion -is predominantly physical, and another predominantly emotional, and -another contemplative, or spiritual, or practical, or sentimental; how -in one case it is jealous and exclusive, and in another hospitable and -free, and so forth--it seems rash to lay down any very hard and fast -general laws for the marriage-relation, or to insist that a real and -honorable affection can only exist under this or that special form. It -is probably through this fact of the variety of love that it does remain -possible, in some cases, for married people to have intimacies with -outsiders, and yet to remain perfectly true to each other; and in -rare instances, for triune and other such relations to be permanently -maintained. - -We now come to the last consideration, namely (4) the modification of -the present law of marriage. It is pretty clear that people will not -much longer consent to pledge themselves irrevocably for life as at -present. And indeed there are already plentiful indications of a growing -change of practice. The more people come to recognise the sacredness -and naturalness of the real union, the less will they be willing to -bar themselves from this by a life-long and artificial contract made in -their salad days. Hitherto the great bulwark of the existing institution -has been the dependence of Women, which has given each woman a direct -and most material interest in keeping up the supposed sanctity of the -bond--and which has prevented a man of any generosity from proposing -an alteration which would have the appearance of freeing himself at the -cost of the woman; but as this fact of the dependence of women gradually -dissolves out, and as the great fact of the spiritual nature of the true -Marriage crystalises into more clearness--so will the formal bonds which -bar the formation of the latter gradually break away and become of small -import. - -Love when felt at all deeply has an element of transcendentalism in -it, which makes it the most natural thing in the world for the two -lovers--even though drawn together by a passing sex-attraction--to swear -eternal troth to each other; but there is something quite diabolical and -mephistophelean in the practice of the Law, which creeping up behind, as -it were, at this critical moment, and overhearing the two thus pledging -themselves, claps its book together with a triumphant bang, and -exclaims: "There now you are married and done for, for the rest of your -natural lives." - -What actual changes in Law and Custom the collective sense of society -will bring about is a matter which in its detail we cannot of course -foresee or determine. But that the drift will be, and must be, towards -greater freedom is pretty clear. Ideally speaking it is plain that -anything like a perfect union must have perfect freedom for its -condition; and while it is quite supposable that a lover might out of -the fulness of his heart make promises and give pledges, it is really -almost inconceivable that anyone having that delicate and proud sense -which marks deep feeling, could possibly _demand_ a promise from his -loved one. As there is undoubtedly a certain natural reticence in -sex, so perhaps the most decent thing in true Marriage would be to say -nothing, make no promises--either for a year or a lifetime. Promises -are bad at any time, and when the heart is full silence befits it best. -Practically, however, since a love of this kind is slow to be realised, -since social custom is slow to change, and since the partial dependence -and slavery of Woman must yet for a while continue, it is likely for -such period that formal contracts of some kind will still be made; only -these (it may be hoped) will lose their irrevocable and rigid character, -and become in some degree adapted to the needs of the contracting -parties. - -Such contracts might of course, if adopted, be very very various in -respect to conjugal rights, conditions of termination, division of -property, responsibility for and rights over children, etc. In some -cases* they might be looked upon as preliminary to a more permanent -alliance to be made later on; in others they would provide for -disastrous marriages, a remedy free from the inordinate scandals of the -present Divorce Courts. It may however be said that rather than adopt -any new system of contracts, public opinion in this country would tend -to a simple facilitation of Divorce, and that if the latter were made -(with due provision for the children) to depend on mutual consent, -it would become little more than an affair of registration, and the -scandals of the proceeding would be avoided. In any case we think that -marriage-contracts, if existing at all, must tend more and more to -become matters of private arrangement as far as the relations of husband -and wife are concerned, and that this is likely to happen in proportion -as woman becomes more free, and therefore more competent to act in her -own right. It would be felt intolerable, in any decently constituted -society, that the old blunderbuss of the Law should interfere in the -delicate relations of wedded life. As it is to-day the situation is -most absurd. On the one hand, having been constituted from times back in -favor of the male, the Law still gives to the husband barbarous rights -over the person of his spouse; on the other hand, to compensate for -this, it rushes in with the farcicalities of Breach of Promise; and in -any case, having once pronounced its benediction over a pair--however -hateful the alliance may turn out to be to both parties, and however -obvious its failure to the whole world--the stupid old thing blinks -owlishly on at its own work, and professes itself totally unable to undo -the knot which once it tied! - - * As suggested by Mrs. H. Ellis in her pamphlet A Noviciate - for Marriage. - -The only point where there is a permanent ground for -State-interference--and where indeed there is no doubt that the public -authority should in some way make itself felt--is in the matter of the -children resulting from any alliance. Here the relation of the pair -ceases to be private and becomes social; and the interests of the child -itself, and of the nation whose future citizen the child is, have to be -safe-guarded. Any contracts, or any proposals of divorce, before they -could be sanctioned by the public authority, would have to contain -satisfactory provisions for the care and maintenance of the children -in such casualties as might ensue; nor ought there to be maintained any -legal distinction between 'natural' and 'legitimate' children, since -it is clear that whatever individuals or society at large may, in the -former case, think of the conduct of the parents, no disability -should on that account accrue to the child, nor should the parents (if -identifiable) be able to escape their full responsibility for bringing -it into the world. - -If it be objected that such private contracts, or such facilitations of -Divorce, as here spoken of, would simply lead to frivolous experimental -relationships entered into and broken-off _ad infinitum_, it must be -remembered that the responsibility for due rearing and maintenance of -children must give serious pause to such a career; and that to suppose -that any great mass of the people would find their good in a kind of -matrimonial game of General Post is to suppose that the mass of the -people have really never acquired or been taught the rudiments of common -sense in such matters--is to suppose a case for which there would hardly -be a parallel in the customs of any nation or tribe that we know of. - -In conclusion, it is evident that no very great change for the better -in marriage-relations can take place except as the accompaniment of -deep-lying changes in Society at large; and that alterations in the -Law alone will effect but a limited improvement. Indeed it is not very -likely, as long as the present commercial order of society lasts, -that the existing Marriage-laws--founded as they are on the idea of -property--will be very radically altered, though they may be to some -extent. More likely is it that, underneath the law, the common practice -will slide forward into newer customs. With the rise of the new society, -which is already outlining itself within the structure of the old, many -of the difficulties and bugbears, that at present seem to stand in the -way of a more healthy relation between the sexes, will of themselves -disappear. - -It must be acknowledged, however, that though a gradual broadening out -and humanising of Law and Custom are quite necessary, it cannot fairly -be charged against these ancient tyrants that they are responsible for -all the troubles connected with sex. There are millions of people to-day -who never could marry happily--however favorable the conditions might -be--simply because their natures do not contain in sufficient strength -the elements of loving surrender to another; and, as long as the human -heart is what it is, there will be natural tragedies arising from the -willingness or unwillingness of one person to release another when the -former finds that his or her love is not returned.* While it is quite -necessary that these natural tragedies should not be complicated -and multiplied by needless legal interference--complicated into -the numberless artificial tragedies which are so exasperating when -represented on the stage or in romance, and so saddening when witnessed -in real life--still we may acknowledge that, short of the millennium, -they will always be with us, and that no institution of marriage -alone, or absence of institution, will rid us of them. That entire and -unswerving refusal to 'cage' another person, or to accept an affection -not perfectly free and spontaneous, which will, we are fain to think, be -always more and more the mark of human love, must inevitably bring its -own price of mortal suffering with it; yet the Love so gained, whether -in the individual or in society, will be found in the end to be worth -the pang--and as far beyond the other love, as is the wild bird of -Paradise that comes to feed out of our hands unbidden more lovely -than the prisoner we shut with draggled wings behind the bars. Love is -doubtless the last and most difficult lesson that humanity has to learn; -in a sense it underlies all the others. Perhaps the time has come for -the modern nations when, ceasing to be children, they may even try to -learn it. - - * Perhaps one of the most sombre and inscrutable of these - natural tragedies lies, for Woman, in the fact that the man - to whom she first surrenders her body often acquires for her - (whatever his character may be) so profound and inalienable - a claim upon her heart. While, either for man or woman, it - is almost impossible to thoroughly understand their own - nature, or that of others, till they have had sex- - experience, it happens so that in the case of woman the - experience which should thus give the power of choice is - frequently the very one which seals her destiny. It reveals - to her, as at a glance, the tragedy of a life-time which - lies before her, and yet which she cannot do other than - accept. - - - - - - - - - -End of Project Gutenberg's Marriage In Free Society, by Edward Carpenter - -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MARRIAGE IN FREE SOCIETY *** - -***** This file should be named 40209.txt or 40209.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: - http://www.gutenberg.org/4/0/2/0/40209/ - -Produced by David Widger - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions -will be renamed. - -Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no -one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation -(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without -permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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