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diff --git a/40204-8.txt b/40204-8.txt deleted file mode 100644 index 8c18a4b..0000000 --- a/40204-8.txt +++ /dev/null @@ -1,1675 +0,0 @@ -The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 105 -December 16, 1893, by Various - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with -almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or -re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included -with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org/license - - -Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 105 December 16, 1893 - -Author: Various - -Editor: F. C.(Francis Cowley) Burnand - -Release Date: July 11, 2012 [EBook #40204] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OF THE LONDON OF CHARIVARI, VOL. 105 DECEMBER 16, 1893 *** - - - - -Produced by Malcolm Farmer, Lesley Halamek and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net - - - - - - * * * * * - -Punch, or the London Charivari - -Volume 105, December 16, 1893. - -_edited by Sir Francis Burnand_ - - * * * * * - - - - -SEASONABLE SONNET. - -(_By a Vegetarian._) - - Yes, Christmas overtakes us yet once more. - The Cattle Show has vanished in the mists - Of time and Islington, but re-exists - In piecemeal splendour at the store. - Here, nightly, big boys blue are to the fore - With knives and choppers in their greasy fists; - And now, methinks, the wight who never lists - Yet hears the brass band on the proud first floor. - High over all rings "What d'ye buy, buy, buy?" - The meat is decked with gay rosette and bow, - While gas-jets beckon all the world and wife. - A cheerful scene? A ghastly one, say I, - Where mutilated corpses hang arow, - And in the midst of death we are in life. - - * * * * * - -AS THEY LIKED IT.--We read of the recent success at Palmer's Theatre, -New York, of _As You Like It_, with all the parts played by women. -Of course, everybody knows that this was a complete reversal of the -practice of the stage in SHAKSPEARE'S own day, when the buskin was -on the other leg, so to speak; but we are not told if the passage -"Doublet and hose ought to show itself courageous to petticoat" was -transposed to "Petticoat ought to show itself courageous to doublet -and hose." - - * * * * * - -THIS SETTLED IT.--"He may be irritable," observed Mrs. R., "but -remember the old saying that 'Irritation is the sincerest form of -flattery.'" - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: ALL IN THE DAY'S WORK. - -_Critic._ "HOW'S THE _BOOK_ GOING, OLD MAN?" - -_Author._ "OH--ALL RIGHT, I FANCY. THE PRESS HAS NOTICED IT ALREADY. -YESTERDAY'S _ROSELEAVES_ HAILS ME AS THE COMING _THACKERAY_!" - -_Critic._ "AH, _I_ WROTE THAT!" - -_Author._ "DID YOU REALLY? HOW CAN I THANK YOU? ON THE OTHER HAND, -THIS WEEK'S _KNACKER_ SAYS THAT I'VE BEEN FORTUNATELY ARRESTED BY -MADNESS ON THE ROAD TO IDIOTCY!" - -_Critic._ "AH, I WROTE THAT TOO!"] - - * * * * * - -A PLEA FOR PLEADINGS. - -DEAR MR. PUNCH,--Last week I begged for a chance for the Briefless, -and the only reply has been, that by a few strokes of the pen the -Judges have ruined and undone the Junior Bar. On a day which will be -known henceforth in the Temple as Bad Friday, we read the new Rules, -by which in future it will be possible to have an action--_without -pleadings!_ Statement of Claim, Defence, Reply, Rejoinder--all -disappear into a beggarly "Summons for Directions," that can be drawn -by a solicitor's office-boy. Of course, amongst the silks, the change -will, no doubt, be popular. These learned gentlemen can with a light -heart and a heavy pocket welcome the change, which will get rid of the -pleadings which it is merely a nuisance to read. But what is to become -of us whose business it is to draw them? - -It may possibly be said that this new arrangement will save the -pockets of the clients, but what have the Judges to do with that? Does -anyone imagine litigation to be anything more than a pastime, at which -those who play ought to be content to pay? In a hard winter, when the -wolf is consistently at our door, to take the bread out of our mouths -in this way, is a proceeding which (_pace_ Mr. GLADSTONE) takes the -cake. I am sure Mr. GOSCHEN will welcome such an expression. In any -case I appeal, Sir, through you, from the Judges to an enlightened -paying public. - - Yours faithfully, - L. ERNED COUNSEL. - - 102, _Temple Gardens, E.C.,_ - _Dec. 6._ - - * * * * * - -CAUSE AND EFFECT.--A razor and a _tabula rasa_. - - * * * * * - -JOHN TYNDALL. - - BORN AUG. 21, 1820. - DIED DEC. 4, 1893. - - HONEST JOHN TYNDALL, then, has played his part! - Scientist brain, and patriotic heart - Both still in the last sleep, that sadly came, - Without reproach to love, or loss to fame. - Rest, Son of Science, certain of your meed! - Of bitter moan for you there is small need; - But England bows in silent sympathy - With her whose love, chance-wounded, all may see - Steadfast in suffering undeserved as sore. - _Punch_ speaks for all true hearts the kingdom o'er - When mingling tribute to JOHN TYNDALL'S life - With hushed compassion for his bowed but blameless wife - - * * * * * - -A FEMININE TRIUMPH.--SHEE, Q.C., appointed Judge of the Court of -Record at Salford. Naturally SHEE likes being courted. Pity it wasn't -in Wales, as then they would Welshly-and-grammatically speak of -"appearing before SHEE" as "appearing before _Her_." This is clearly -an example of the "_SHEE who must be obeyed_." - - * * * * * - -Murch Praised! - - ["Mr. JEROME MURCH, seven times Mayor of Bath, &c., and for - thirty years chairman of, &c., has just published a volume, - entitled _Bath Celebrities_."] - - _Go to Bath, viâ_ book upon lap;-- - No Bath bungler is here, but a rare man. - You are certain to like this Bath chap; - And there never was such a Bath chairman. - - * * * * * - -UNIVERSITY INTELLIGENCE.--The Oxford undergraduate who was caught -red-(paint)-handed, and sent down for a year, forgot, no doubt, that -_he_ had to be well read, not the town; but a year in the country will -no doubt make him as fresh as the paint itself. Curiously enough, very -popular still in his College, which shows no inclination to cut the -painter! - - * * * * * - -"SOMETHING LIKE A HUNTING RUN."--In the _Pall Mall_ last Thursday -was the account of a grand run with "the Barlow Hounds." Of course -_Sandford_ and _Merton_ were on ponies, and out with "their -beloved tutor's" pack. Mr. BARLOW, of course, is both "Master" and -"Whipper-in." - - * * * * * - -THE TOPER'S TOAST.--"_Pot_-luck!" - - * * * * * - -TRIP-LETS. - - [Miss YOUNG writes from North Merton Vicarage to say that her - turkeys have taken to step-dancing. "First two young 'toms' - bowed politely to one another, then passed on with stately - tread, skipped into the air twice in the most ludicrous - manner, turned, and repeated the performance."--_See Daily - Graphic, December 7._] - - The lion, fleas, and kangaroo, - Baboon, and shaving baby too, - Have all had shows--here's something new! - - Terpsichore and _Turveydrop_ - Have taught the turkeycock to hop, - To bow politely, skip and flop. - - Like Cheshire cat, I would have grinned, - To see the fowl of Western Ind - Disport itself like LETTY LIND! - - Enough of barn-and serpent-dance! - We'll give the poultry-yard a chance-- - With _pas de deux_-"_toms_" let us prance! - - * * * * * - -CHARITY'S CRUX.--Charity begins at home, we are told. Perhaps. But at -present, confused by rival claims and conflicting counsels, Charity -seems to be "all abroad." - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: CHANGE OF PARTNERS. PRESIDENT CLEVELAND ASKS FOR "JUST -ONE TURN" WITH MISS FREE TRADE.] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: "NEXT HER HEART!" - -_Young Muddleigh, who has been out buying underwear for his personal -use, purchases at the same establishment some flowers for his -ladyelove--leaving a Note to be enclosed. Imagine Young Muddleigh's -horror, on returning to dress, to discover that the underwear had -been sent with the Note, and the Flowers to him! Muddleigh discovered, -repeating slowly to himself the contents of the Note_:--"PLEASE WEAR -THESE THIS EVENING, FOR MY SAKE!"] - - * * * * * - -A CHANGE OF PARTNERS. - - ["The world should be open to our national ingenuity and - enterprise. This cannot be while Federal legislation, - through the imposition of a high tariff, forbids to American - manufacturers as cheap materials as those used by their - competitors.... A measure has been prepared ... embodying - tariff reform on the lines herein suggested."--_President - Cleveland's Message to Congress_.] - -GROVER CLEVELAND _sings_:-- - -(AIR--"_Are you coming to the dancing?_") - - Oh! there's only one girl in the world for whom I care a dime, - And I mean to be her partner--if you'll only give me time. - It is nice to see her smiling and a-calling from way over, - "Are you coming to the dancing, Mister GROVER, GROVER, GROVER?" - - _Chorus_--Are you coming, are you coming, - Are you coming to the dancing, Mr. GROVER, GROVER, GROVER? - And I say, I guess I'm coming, Miss Free Trade, dear--as your lover! - - "Come, GROVER, come!" my love will say; "just one turn in the dance, - And _we_'ll show all competitors they have but little chance. - That's why I love you GROVER, 'cause you're limber in your feet - And defy the other fellows, to compete, pete, pete!" - - _Chorus_--Are you coming, &c. - - Miss Protection, my old partner's a bit _passée, entre nous_, - Yet I mustn't all forsake her; she's exacting and a shrew; - And to leave her quite a "Wallflower," and entirely in the shade, - Would mean ructions; yet I _must_ try just one turn with dear Free Trade! - - _Chorus_--Are you coming, &c. - - So I'll kiss her little finger, and invite her to the waltz; - Though the other turns her nose up (temper's one of her worst faults). - But I say, "I cannot help it, dear; you're danced quite off your feet, - And a rest will do you good, dear, I repeat, peat, peat!" - - _Chorus_--Are you coming, &c. - - "The ball-room should be open to a dancer's enterprise. - I _must_ try a change of partners; your high-tariff step so tries. - It's so stiff, and so exhausting, and a little Freedom's sweet; - Whilst _I_ take one turn with Free Trade. _You_ can take a seat, seat, seat!" - - _Chorus_--Are you coming, &c. - - "Oh! she's been and asked her mother, and her mother's said she might. - So sit down and don't show tantrums, for they make you look a fright." - _May_ I ask you for just one turn, Free Trade, before this dance is over? - And she answers "With much pleasure, Mister GROVER, GROVER, GROVER!" - - _Chorus_--Are you coming, are you coming, - Are you coming for one turn, my dear, before this dance is over? - And she smiles--and I'm her partner--and hope soon to be her lover! - - * * * * * - -"VARIETY! VA-RI-E-TY!" - -"The Kilanyi Troupe" at the Palace Theatre of Varieties, with their -strikingly realistic _Tableaux Vivants_, might well change their name -_pro tem._ to "The Kill-any-other Troupe" that might be venturing in -the same line. Of course, they are a great attraction, and would be -still greater, were the Show varied from night to night, altogether -omitting No. 6 in the present programme, and, in view of the -popularity of "A tale of the tide," the humour of which is perceptible -to everyone on account of the waggery in the tail, by substituting two -or three comic for the simply classic _poses_. Mr. CHARLES MORTON, -trading on his acquired store of operatic knowledge, might give us a -statuette of _Les Deux Gendarmes_, who could just vary their attitudes -according to the movement of OFFENBACH'S celebrated duett. After a -short interval of patriotic song about NELSON and "doing duty" there -is a capital French clown, or clown of some nationality, whose fun is -genuine, and whose imitations, animal and orchestral, are excellent -and really amusing. This is a case in which, if a real bassoon or a -real hen intruded itself, either would be hissed, and the false -honestly preferred to the real. Altogether, except that the ballet -which plays the people out, and does play them out effectually, is -old-fashioned, it is an excellent evening's entertainment. The County -Council ought to come in their thousands, and, like the little dog who -was so pleased to see the cow jumping over the moon, they would "laugh -to see such sport." - - * * * * * - -UNDER THE ROSE. - -(_A Story in Scenes._) - -SCENE XIX.--_The Drawing-room._ Mrs. TOOVEY _is still regarding_ Mr. -JANNAWAY, _after the manner of an elderly bird in the presence of a -young and somewhat inexperienced serpent_. - -_Mr. Toovey_ (_coming to the rescue_). Excuse me, young Sir, but -I don't think you quite realise who that lady _is_. (_With mild -self-assertion._) She is my wife, Sir, my Wife! And she is not -_accustomed_ to being hunted all over Upper Tooting, or anywhere else! - -_Mr. Jannaway_ (_to himself_). I've got this dear lady on toast. _I_ -can see! But I mustn't do anything ungentlemanly or I may get the sack -if the governor gets to hear of it. (_Aloud._) If I'm mistaken I'm -ready to apologise; but the lady bears such a really remarkable -likeness to a Mrs. TOMKINSON JONES, residing (so she gave me to -understand) at The Laburnums, Upper Tooting, that---- - -_Mrs. Toovey_ (_finding her voice_). I do _not_ reside at Upper -Tooting! - -_Mr. Jann._ (_in silky tones_). Precisely _so_, Madam. No more does -Mrs.--hem--TOMKINSON JONES! - -_Charles._ And is _that_ the only point of resemblance between your -friend Mrs. JONES and my Aunt, eh? - -_Mr. Jann._ That's a matter of opinion, Sir. I've my own. But neither -the lady nor yet myself are particularly likely to forget our meeting. -It was only last Saturday evening, too! - -_Mr. Toov._ Why, then you must have met Mrs. TOOVEY at the Zenana -Mission Conference? - -_Mr. Jann._ Well that isn't the name _I_ know it by; but if the lady -prefers it, why---- - -_Mrs. Toov._ (_hoarsely_). I--I deny having ever met the young man -before, anywhere; that is, I--I don't remember doing so. Take him -away! - -_Mr. Jann._ I should be most averse, of course, to contradicting a -lady, and I can only conclude that she is so much in the 'abit of -fetching unoffending strangers what I may venture to term, if -you'll permit the vulgarity, a slap in the jaw, that such a trifling -circumstance makes no impression on her. It did on _me_! - -_Mr. Toov._ (_outraged_). Young man! are you endeavouring to suggest -that my wife goes about--er--administering "slaps in the jaw" to -perfect strangers at Zenana meetings? - -_Mr. Jann._ Pardon me, I said nothing whatever about any--er--Pyjama -meetings. I don't know what may go on _there_, I'm sure. The incident -_I_ alluded to occurred at the Eldorado music-hall. - -_Mrs. Toov._ (_to herself_). There; it's out at last! What _have_ I -done to deserve this? - -_Charles_ (_to himself_). The Eldorado! Why, THEA _said_----What _can_ -Aunt have been up to? She's got herself into the very deuce of a hole! - - [CURPHEW _and_ ALTHEA _exchange significant glances_. - -_Mr. Toov._ At the Eldorado? Now, do you know that's very -singular--that really is very singular indeed! You're the _second_ -person who fancied Mrs. TOOVEY was there last Saturday evening! So -that you see there _must_ have been a lady there most extraordinarily -like my wife! - -_Mrs. Toov._ (_to herself_). Dear, good, simple Pa; _he_ believes in -me! After all, I've only to deny everything; he can't _prove_ I was -there! (_Aloud._) Yes, Sir, and on a mere resemblance like that you -have the audacity to bring these shameful charges against me--_me_! -All you have succeeded in establishing is that you were in the -music-hall yourself, and I doubt whether your employer would approve -of a clerk of his spending his time in such places, if it came to his -ears! - -_Mr. Jann._ It's very kind of you to concern yourself on my account, -Madam; but there's no occasion. It was Mr. LARKINS himself gave me the -ticket; so I'm not at all uneasy. - -[Illustration: "Why, Cornelia, my love, so you've _found_ your -spectacles!"] - -_Mr. Toov._ Why, dear me, that must have been the ticket Mr. -CURPHEW--I should say, Mr. WALTER WILDFIRE--sent me. I remember I left -it with Mr. LARKINS in case he could find a use for it. So you were in -_my_ box; quite a coincidence, really! - -_Mr. Jann._ As you say, Sir, and not the only one neither, seeing -that---- - -_Mrs. Toov._ Pa, isn't it time this young man finished the business -he came about, and went away? I am not accustomed to seeing my -drawing-room made use of as an office! - -_Mr. Toov._ (_snatching up the transfer_). By all means, my love. -(_To_ Mr. J.) Er, I really think we should be more comfortable in the -study. There--there's a bigger inkstand. - - [_He leads the way to the door._ - -_Mr. Jann._ (_following_). As _you_ please, Sir. (_Turning at the -door._) I must say I think I've been most cruelly misunderstood. If -I've been anxious for the pleasure of meeting Mrs. TOMKINSON JONES -again, any revengeful motives or lowness of that description was far -from my thoughts, my sole object being to restore a piece of property -which the lady, whoever she may have been, left behind her, and which, -as I 'appen to have brought it with me, would, if recognised, settle -any question of identity on the spot. But that can wait for the -present. Business first, pleasure afterwards! - - [_He goes out. A silence. Presently a succession of violent - sniffs proceed from behind "The Quiver." All rise in concern._ - -_Charles._ I say, Aunt, you're not going to give way _now_, are you? -That fellow hasn't frightened you? - -_Alth._ (_kneeling down and embracing_ Mrs. T.). Dearest mamma, -_don't_ you think you'd better tell us all about it? It was _you_ who -slapped that horrid little man's face--now, _wasn't_ it? And serve him -right! - -_Mrs. T._ (_in a burst_). I took him for your father! Oh, what have I -_said_? I never meant to admit anything! And what must you all think -of me? - -_Curph._ No one who has had the benefit of your opinions of -music-halls or their entertainers, can possibly imagine you went to -one with any idea of _amusing_ yourself, Mrs. TOOVEY. - -_Mrs. Toov._ (_without heeding him_). And Pa, what will _he_ say? When -I think of all the wicked stories I've had to tell that poor dear man! -And after he once finds them out, there's an end of all his -respect for me, all my influence over him, all my power in this -house--_everything_! Why, for anything _I_ can tell, Pa may actually -believe I went to that detestable place on what (_to_ CURPHEW) I -suppose your friends would call the--the (_utterly breaking down_) -Tee-hiddle-dy-hi! - -_Charles_ (_after a highly suspicious fit of choking_). Don't think -there's any danger of that, Aunt; but look here, how if I went into -the study and kicked that little cad out, eh? - -_Mrs. Toov._ And have the whole affair in the police reports! _You_'re -a pretty solicitor, CHARLES! But Pa _knows_ by now, and oh, what in -the _world_ am I to do? - -_Charles._ Well, my dear Aunt, it sounds an immoral suggestion, but, -as you seem to have given Uncle a--hem--slightly picturesque version -of your doings last Saturday, hadn't you better _stick_ to it? - -_Mrs. Toov._ What's the use? Didn't you hear that wretch say he'd -found something in the box? It's my spectacles, CHARLES; a pair in -a Rob Roy tartan case, which Pa gave me himself, and couldn't _help_ -recognising! I remember now, I left them there, and----(_The door -opens._) They're coming back! - -_Mr. Toov._ (_entering_). That's really a very honest young fellow, my -love, nothing will satisfy him but bringing in the article he's found, -and seeing whether it belongs to you or not. - -_Mrs. Toov._ (_breathlessly_). And have _you_ seen it, Pa--have you -_seen_ it? - -_Mr. Toov._ Not yet, dear love, not yet. He's getting it out of his -great coat in the hall. - -_Curph._ (_starting up from behind_ ALTHEA). I think, if you will -allow me, _I_'ll go and speak to him first. It strikes me that I may -know the lady who was in that box, and I'm naturally anxious to avoid -any---- - - [_He goes out._ - -END OF SCENE XIX. - - -SCENE XX.--_A few minutes later._ - -_Mrs. Toov._ (_to herself, in a fever_). Why doesn't he come back? -What are those two plotting together? Oh, if Mr. WILDFIRE imagines he -will get a hold over me, so as to obtain my consent to---- I'd sooner -tell Pa everything! (_To_ CURPHEW, _who reenters, smiling_.) W--where -is--the other? - -_Curph._ The other? Oh, _he_'s gone. I made myself known to him; and -you would have been surprised, my dear Mrs. TOOVEY, at the immense -effect my professional name had upon him. When he realised I was -WALTER WILDFIRE he was willing to do anything for me, and so I easily -got him to entrust his find to me. - -_Mr. Toov._ (_inquisitively_). And what is it--a fan, or a glove? -There would be no harm in showing it to _us_, eh? - -_Curph._ Well, really, it's so very unlikely to compromise anybody -that I almost think I _might_. Yes, there can't be any objection. - - [_He takes something out of his pocket, and presents it to_ - Mr. T. - -_Mr. Toov._ (_mystified_). Why, it's only a hairpin! What a -scrupulously honest young man that is, to be sure! - -_Mrs. Toov._ (_relieved_). Only a hairpin? (_Then, uneasily, to_ -CURPH., _in an undertone_.) Where is--you know what? Have you kept it -to use for your own advantage? - -_Curph._ (_in the same tone_). I am a very bad man, I know; but I -don't blackmail. You will find it behind the card-basket in the hall. - - [Mrs. T. _goes out_; ALTH. _draws_ CURPH. _aside_. - -_Alth._ CLARENCE, I--I _must_ know; how did you come to have a--a -hairpin? where did it come _from_? (_As he softly touches the back of -her head._) Oh! it was _mine_, then? _What_ a goose I am? - -_Mr. Toov._ (_as_ Mrs. T. _returns_). Why, CORNELIA, my love, so -you've _found_ your spectacles! Now where did you leave them _this_ -time, my dear, eh? - -_Mrs. Toov._ Where I shall not leave them _again_ in a hurry, -THEOPHILUS! - -_Mr. Toov._ Don't you be too sure of that, my love. By the way, Mr. -CURPHEW, that lady of your acquaintance--_you_ know, the one who -made all this disturbance at the Eldorado--is she at all _like_ Mrs. -TOOVEY, now? - -_Curph._ (_after reflection_). Well, really, there _is_ a -resemblance--at a distance! - -_Mr. Toov._ (_peevishly_). Then it's annoying--very annoying; because -it might compromise my poor dear wife, you know. I--I wish you could -give her a quiet hint to--to avoid such places in future! - -_Curph._ Do you know, Sir, I really think it will be _quite_ -unnecessary. - - [PH[OE]BE _enters to announce dinner_. - -_Mr. Toov._ Dinner, eh? Yes, yes, dinner, to be sure. Mr. CURPHEW, -will you take in my dau----(_correcting himself_)--oh, but, dear me, I -was quite forgetting that--h'm!---- - -_Curph._ ----that Mrs. TOOVEY has been expressing an ardent impatience -to close your doors on me for ever? - -_Mrs. Toov._ (_not over graciously_). That was before---- I mean -that--considering the manner in which we all of us seem to have been -more or less mixed up with the music-hall of late--we can't afford to -be too particular. If Mr. WILDFIRE chooses to stay, he will find as -warm a welcome as--(_with a gulp_)--he can _expect_! - -_Curph._ Many thanks, but I'm sure you see that I can't stay here on -sufferance. If I do stay it must be as---- - -_Mrs. T._ As one of the family! (_She chokes._) That--that's -understood, of course. (_To herself._) They know too much! - -_Mr. T._ (_to_ Mrs. T., _chirpily, as the others precede them in -to dinner_). Do you know, my love, I'd no more idea you would ever -have---- Well, well, it might have been worse, I daresay. But we must -never let it get out about the _music-hall_, eh? - -_Mrs. T._ Well, Pa, _I_'m not very likely to allude to it! - -THE END. - - * * * * * - -"CRYSTAL-GAZING."--The Crystal Palace Company should adapt some of Mr. -ANDREW LANG'S article on "Superstition" in this month's _Fortnightly_. -Far more entertaining is the Sydenham building than any amount of -"Crystal-gazing," and the directors have only to say (we make them -a Christmas present of the suggestion), quoting from the article -above-mentioned, "it is an ascertained fact that a certain proportion -of men and women, educated, healthy," &c., &c., can obtain curious -information, combined with amusement, by looking into the Crystal ... -Palace. - - * * * * * - -EXAMPLE OF "BURNING WORDS."--Lighting the dining-room fire with the -torn pages of an old book. - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: OUR COSTLY CLIMATE. - -"HULLO? OFF OUT OF TOWN SOMEWHERE?" - -"OFF TO CAIRO, MY BOY!" - -"CAIRO? WHY, ONLY THE OTHER DAY YOU TOLD ME YOU WERE AS POOR AS A -CHURCH MOUSE!" - -"THAT'S JUST IT. I'VE SPENT FIVE YEARS' INCOME ON CLOTHING ALREADY -THIS WINTER, AND I'M NOT WARM YET; AND I'VE CALCULATED THAT IT'LL TAKE -SEVEN YEARS' INCOME MORE BEFORE I CAN KEEP THE COLD OUT. SO I'M OFF TO -CAIRO TO STOP AT THE BEST HOTEL--IT'S FAR CHEAPER!"] - - * * * * * - -POISON IN THE PUMP. - - [A medical writer in the _Gentleman's Magazine_ says, "more - people are killed by drinking water than are killed by - drinking alcohol."] - - Think of that, teetotal folks, heed not WILFRED LAWSON'S jokes - And his gay, impromptu poems which he reads when on the stump, - Here's a doctor says that you will indubitably do - Quite a foolish thing in swearing by your sweetly sober pump. - - Surely that should give you pause when you advocate your cause, - With your button-hole adorned with tiny scrap of sky-blue silk; - There's not half the danger in whisky, brandy, rum, or gin, - As in typhoid-bearing water or in diphtheritic milk. - - We're not all gin-sodden sots, though we do not empty lots - Of those enigmatic bottles, which to you are always dear, - Filled with liquor, washy, sweet, aërated. Such a treat - Is your execrable lemonade, your beastly ginger-beer! - - Other people do not rave from the cradle to the grave. - The Frenchman takes his _petit verre_, his _Bordeaux_ or his _bock_; - The German's limpid beer or his _Rheinwein_ none need fear. - Even you would not be overcome by claret, say, or hock. - - Then if you are truly wise, you will cease to close your eyes - To the fact that moderation is convincing, and should be - In your words, as in our drink. Then we might more kindly think - Of your thickly, sickly cocoa, and your nerve-exciting tea. - - * * * * * - -"EUREKA! EUREKA!"--His wife had heard the word. Had been told it was -Greek: but what it meant she did not know. One night he came home from -a bachelor smoking-party. "Oh," she exclaimed. "You absolutely reek of -tobacco. _You reeker!_" Then it broke upon her like an ancient light -that she was talking Greek without knowing it! - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: THE FESTIVE SEASON. - -_Precocious Infant._ "HELP YOURSELF, AND PASS THE BOTTLE!"] - - * * * * * - -THE CHAMPION SHAVER; - -_Or, A Task against Time_. - - _Largo al factotum!_ Shave all the world, one per minute! - _Figaro_ beaten, _Poll Sweedlepipe_ plainly not in it! - WICK of King's Road, Chelsea's champion chin-scraper, out of it! - ROMOLA'S garrulous razor-man whipped, there's no doubt of it! - - Rustic's rough stubble, or working-man's wiry chin-bristle, - Mown from his gills in a twinkling, as clean as a whistle. - Even a bristly Hibernian boar he would gaily - Tackle, and trim him as smooth as that downy young _Bailey_. - - Grand Old Tonsorial Hand with the soft-soap and lather; - Knight of the Razor, of hand-sweep redoubtable--rather! - PAT--or SHAGPAT-HODGE or BLUEBEARD, blue-gill'd British Workman, - Muscovite hairy, or whiskered, moustache-twisting Turkman: - - Downy-cheeked boy, or big, wire-brushy Don Whiskerando!-- - All one to him! All that sharp steel and soap-lather _can_ do - Here is a Barber will buckle to, blade-armed, instanter, - Challenge competitive rivals, and win in a canter. - - Neat NELLY WICK (thirteen men in ten minutes) is rather - A good 'un to mow, to say naught of her champion father; - But this Grand Old Shaver would shave,--against time, too, yes, - trust us!-- - _Elephas Primigenius_ (the Mammoth), or _Brontops Robustus!_ - - Truly a Tonsor Titanic to chin-needs to minister! - Yet are there some who declare his dexterity sinister; - Say that 'tis not without reason this bland badger-waver. - And stirrer of soap-suds, is called--well, an Artful Old Shaver. - - Like most of his craft he the Gift of the Gab shares stupendously. - And takes by the nose and belathers, with soft-soap, tremendously. - They call him for custom from all sorts and sizes a cadger, - And swear that he badgers the Mob to submit to his badger. - - Be that as it may--and his rivals do rail at him viciously-- - _If_ you require "a clean shave," rattled off expeditiously, - Lather that's fragrant and frothy, and steel that slides slickly, - Sit down in his chair, and he'll polish you off pretty quickly. - - He's had two tough customers lately; a workman stiff-stubbled - (He looks at his gills in the glass with a glance slightly - troubled), - And him the young yokel whose beard's like a big bed of thistles, - Who flops in the chair and demands to be shorn of his bristles. - - To shave--against time--such a shag-beard as is this young rustic, - Is hard, and the chance of success seems a bit nubibustic. - But list! The old Champion Shaver is courteously glosing! - "Bit bristly, my friend, but I'll leave you clean-mown before - closing!" - - * * * * * - -HIGHLY PROBABLE. - -(_A Conversation Tapped on its way through the Telephone._) - -I say, how are you this morning? - -Still rather weak. But the weather here is lovely, and I am enjoying -myself immensely. I think I have discovered a new system. - -Never mind about the tables. Thought you had gone to Nice. - -No, Monte Carlo. It's more healthy, and they say that if you have -success you should clear your expenses easily. - -Yes, but I did not want to talk about that. You know there's been more -outrages in Dublin? They have spread from Paris. - -Have they? Get some Johnnie on the spot to look after them. - -But I told the House that although you were in the South of France, -you were in telegraphic touch with your colleagues. - -What did you do that for? My doctor will be awfully angry. - -I dare say. But what are you going to do about this dynamite scare? - -Leave it to ROSEBERY; he's equal to anything and everybody. - -Yes, as a rule; but not just now. He's on leave. Bad cold. - -Well, let ASQUITH have a shot. He is a rising young man. - -But he's away, too; and so is HARCOURT, SPENCER, RIPON, and the -others. They all say they can do nothing further. - -Sorry. Can I help it? Impossible to govern Ireland from Monte Carlo. - -Not if you give your mind to it. But, of course, if you will go in for -systems, you haven't much chance. - -Well, frankly, I can't manage it. You must get some one else. - -Sorry I can't. - -Then what will you do? - -Why, manage it myself. After all, if I have twice the years of you -fellows I have four times the energy. As I am doing all the other work -of the Ministry, I may as well make a complete job of it. I will do it -myself! - -[Illustration: "THE CHAMPION SHAVER!" - -MR. G. "YOU'RE A BIT BRISTLY, SIR, BUT I THINK WE SHALL POLISH YOU OFF -BEFORE CLOSING TIME!!"] - -OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. - -"The ever-advancing _Woman_," observes one of the Baronesses, "has -quite come forward this Christmas, daintily attired." Wonderful -money-prizes are to be won by the lucky person who guesses the author -of "Bid Me not Go," which is the Christmas story of the enterprising -_Gentlewoman_. - -"As for Christmas Cards being Christmassy," quoth a young Baron -brusquely, "why it's all WALKER!" The Baron was about to rebuke the -scion of his noble house, but discovered, on application, that the -youth had been alluding to the Christmas Card publisher of that name, -whose designs are not peculiarly Christmassy, but what the Baroness -terms "so dainty!" - -S. HILDESHEIMER & Co.'s clever and amusing Christmas Cards will be -much appreciated by young people. - -Three books full of stories, to suit all ages. HUTCHINSON'S House. -_Fifty-two Stories for Children_, _Fifty-two Stories for Girlhood and -Youth_, and _Fifty-two Stories for Boyhood and Youth_. Just a story a -week, will last the year. Collected by ALFRED H. MILES. You won't find -a better if you go for Miles. - -_Valdmer, the Viking_, by HUME NISBET, was a wonderful Dane, who, -after invading England in the Tenth Century, took a trip from Thanet -(having invented Ramsgate and Margate) all round America, and thought -nothing of it. Those who read this will probably think something of -it. - -_The Hoyden_, written by Mrs. HUNGERFORD, and published by HEINEMANN, -is the story of a rather frivolous nineteenth-century tomboy; "but," -quoth the Baroness, "though it does not come within measurable -distance of _The O'Connors of Ballinahinch_, it is pleasant light -reading." - -_Mr. Gladstone's Life; Told by Himself_, is an alluring title, which, -in spite of the volume being issued by so respectable a house as KEGAN -PAUL'S, savours of a flam. But it is genuine enough. Every word in the -little volume has been spoken or written by Mr. GLADSTONE. Mr. LEECH, -whilst modestly disclaiming any imposition of responsibility upon -the PREMIER, has ingeniously linked passages from speeches or letters -published under his name during the past sixty years. The result is a -really fascinating work. Mr. GLADSTONE has always been prone to drop -into autobiography. Nothing, my Baronite tells me, was more delightful -than the speeches he used to deliver in the House of Commons on -Friday and Tuesday nights. Some chance reference to CANNING, PEEL, -or PALMERSTON brought up a flood of recollections, and Mr. G. used to -chat of old times with the entranced House. - -In a pleasant little book called _Essays on Idleness_, the authoress, -AGNES REPPLIER, speaking of her cat, observes, "It were ignoble to -wish myself in her place, and yet how charming to be able to settle -down to a nap, _sans peur et sans reproche_, at ten o'clock in the -morning." Surely instead of "_sans peur_" she should have written -"_sans purr_," as far more applicable to a cat asleep. - -"HERE is a work that I prize indeed!" quoth the Baron, surveying with -unmixed pleasure two handsome volumes, readable from every point of -view of type, handiness, and matter that is of substance and spirit, -being a re-issue of the immortal _Autocrat of the Breakfast Table_, -by OLIVER WENDELL HOLMES. "Mind you," he continues, tenderly regarding -them, "though this I admit is an _édition de luxe_, yet do I far -and away prefer the simple volume without illustrations. Why -illustrations? Why try to impose on us, as by artistic authority, the -faces, forms, and the situations that we would infinitely prefer to -idealise? Without the faculty of imagination no one can enjoy this -work, pictures or no pictures: possessed of the faculty, what need of -the illustrations, save so far as they may carry out our own notions -of the author's meaning? If they do not, then we quarrel with them. -But many thanks for these two volumes, brought out by Messrs. GAY AND -BIRD (delightful association of adjective and substantive, as we have -had afortime occasion to remark); for among all hooks, whether at this -Christmas Season, when they come in quite with a Charles-Lamblike and -Washington-Irvingesque flavour, or at any other time, these be most -welcome to the constant lover of old Literary Friends. - - YULETIDEIAN BARON DE BOOK-WORMS." - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: A CONDUCTOR OF HEAT.] - - * * * * * - -A GAME OF CHANCE. - -(_From an Imaginative French Source._) - -War had broken out between France and Great Britain. In the -Mediterranean--owing to several French ironclads having got through -into the Black Sea and being unable to get out again--the French fleet -was shut up in Toulon harbour by a powerful English squadron. It was -just at this time that some curious events were taking place in the -neighbouring seaside resort of Sablettes-les-Bains, recently purchased -by an English company, which was running the place as a kind of -compromise between Boulogne and Monte Carlo. - -"_Messieurs, faites vos jeux!_"--was heard the monotonous refrain of -the burly "Croupier," who, with face rather pale, and a -preoccupied air, was presiding over one of the numerous games of -"_Petits-Chevaux_," combined with "_Rouge et Noir_" which were -proceeding in the gorgeously-upholstered and magnificently-lighted -"_Salle des Papas Perdus_" of the "_Cercle des Etrangers_" of this -Paradise of the Middle Sea. - -Suddenly the Croupier sprang from his seat, threw off his loose -outer coat, and displayed the well-known uniform of an Officer in -Her Majesty's Royal Shropshire Yeomanry Carabineers. All the other -Croupiers did the same. Astonishment and dismay were depicted on the -countenances of the players. - -"Gentlemen," said the Croupier, "I am sorry to say you are all my -prisoners. Resist, and you will be shot without mercy!" - -"But I had just staked twenty thousand Louis on the black!" ejaculated -a bewildered Gaul. - -"You have lost your stake, Monsieur," replied the Croupier, with -politeness. "It is red, not black;" and, in a moment, all the English -visitors who thronged the rooms had also thrown off _their_ overcoats, -and the hall was filled with red-coats. - -"Treachery! _Perfide Alb_----" the Gaul shouted; but ere he could -rise from his seat to give the alarm to the Toulon garrison, as he had -fully intended doing, a hundred swords (made in Birmingham) had passed -simultaneously through his body. Their stakes fell from the trembling -hands of the players. - -"Then are we to understand," asked another Frenchman, who had -somewhat recovered from the first shock of surprise, "that the English -Government has suppressed Sablettes-les-Bains because it disapproves -of the game of _Petits-Chevaux_?" - -"Not at all," replied the Croupier-Officer. "It is a military -_coup-de-main_, that's all. The English company running this place, -was, of course, in the pay of the British War Office. By a prearranged -system of signals we have been making known everything that is going -on at Toulon to the British Admiral out at sea. You may perhaps have -noticed what an extremely large orchestra took part in last night's -free classical concert; they were English marines disguised as -musicians. And the gardens attached to the Casino, which rival those -of Monte Carlo, what do you think those grassy slopes crowned with -olives and orange-trees are in reality? Why, the artfully-contrived -glacis of the impregnable fortress inside which you are now standing, -and which I have the honour to command!" - -Just then the booming of cannon was heard outside. - -"It is our guns playing on the defences of Toulon!" exclaimed the -Officer. "Toulon is ours!" - -And the treacherous Britons, having cleared the tables of the -five-franc pieces still remaining on them, proceeded, with the aid of -the Germans and Italians, to the dismemberment of France. - - * * * * * - -Nautical Economy. - -["It is no use our building ships without the men to man -them."--_Times' Correspondent._] - -PROVERB suggested by the above:--"Do not spoil the ship for a pound -of tar." - - * * * * * - -NOVEL PROCEEDING.--New Issue, _Japhet in Search of Something -Farther_. By MARRIOTT. - - * * * * * - -LAW AND JUSTICE _v._ DUTY "DONE." - -(_An Imaginary Conversation._) - - SCENE--_Opposite the Griffin_. - TIME--_The present day_. - _Enter two well-known personages._ - -_Justice._ Welcome, Sister. We sometimes are severed, but when we do -meet the right prevails. - -_Law._ Certainly, Sister--to a great extent. And what is the cause of -our present communion? - -_Justice._ I have to call your attention, Sister, to many great works -of mercy recently performed by wielders of the pen--in fact some of my -servants. - -_Law._ Your servants are noted for their good works. - -_Justice._ You are very kind. Well, these good servants have defended -the poor, protected the weak, and denounced hypocrites. - -_Law._ Very right indeed. But how did they manage it without my -assistance? - -_Justice._ You have a short memory. It was with your aid that they -brought these good things about. Surely you have not forgotten them? - -_Law._ Well, since I have been combined with Equity I have been doing -so much excellent work that I have neither time nor inclination -for the recording of details. Well, and your _protégés_, were they -successful? - -_Justice._ Certainly; they won all along the line. Never was the power -of the Press manifested to better advantage. - -_Law._ Surely they were not in actions for libel? - -_Justice._ Yes; and although they did much good, were practically -mulcted in costs. - -_Law._ Costs! That is in my department! - -_Justice._ And not in mine. Costs in such a matter have nothing to do -with Justice! - -_Law._ But (as you say) are inseparably connected with Law! - - [_They part hurriedly._ - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE EXPRESSED DIFFERENTLY.] - -_She._ "AND YOU'LL HAVE TO MAKE A SPEECH AFTER DINNER, WON'T YOU?" - -_He._ "OH--I SHALL JUST HAVE TO TALK A LITTLE NONSENSE TO THEM, YOU -KNOW!" - -_She._ "AH--AND NOBODY'S BETTER QUALIFIED TO DO THAT THAN YOURSELF!" - - * * * * * - -THE STOUT SINGER'S SMILE. - - O buxom maiden, blithe and gay, - With movements light and airy, - Some five-and-twenty stone you weigh, - Fair, fat and forty fairy! - - A fairy of the music-halls, - Some men might call you ripping; - In tights, and satin coat and smalls, - You enter, gaily skipping. - - It is not that which brings me joy, - Nor face, nor form entrances, - It is your smile, so very coy, - Your bashful, girlish glances. - - Some twenty years ago, no doubt, - You were a slender maiden, - But now, so long you have been "out," - With weight of years you're laden. - - So when you sing of love-sick grief, - And smile so very sweetly, - I, too, behind my handkerchief, - Smile quite unseen, discreetly. - - The more you sing the more you smile, - Stout charmer, winsome, winning, - Dressed like _Lord Fauntleroy_--meanwhile, - Like Cheshire Cat I'm grinning. - - Then comes the end; you curtsy low, - With looks to heaven soaring; - You are extremely funny so, - I'm positively roaring. - - They clap, they shout, they thump the floor, - These "gents" serenely smoking, - You kiss your hand, smile yet once more, - And leave me simply choking. - - * * * * * - -ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. - -EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. - -_House of Commons, Monday evening, December 4._--Slight coolness -sprung up between Major RASCH and Members in immediate neighbourhood. -STANLEY LEIGHTON observed an insect of unfamiliar appearance -disporting itself on the Major's back. Closer inspection revealed -presence of others, one carefully pricking its way through his -bristling hair. In these days, when microbes are a little too familiar -in their habit, this curious phenomenon led to some uneasiness. - -"Dear me," said Major RASCH, when his attention was delicately called -to matter; "some of 'em must have got out. Only locusts, dear boy; -needn't be frightened; put down question to HERBERT GARDNER as to -importation of Russian hay which is swarming with locusts. GRAND YOUNG -GARDNER absent; engaged in cultivating the influenza microbe; HERBERT -GLADSTONE undertaken to answer question. I know these young Ministers; -sure to pooh-pooh question. So, being an old soldier, prepared -counter-movement; got handful of locusts; clapped 'em into box; -brought 'em down, intending to hand box over to HERBERT. They seem, -however, to have anticipated proceedings. Prized lid off box, and -swarmed all about; looking for wild honey, I suppose. Hope they won't -catch SPEAKER'S eye. Lend us a hand to net a few before they attack -HANBURY." - -If Session goes on much longer will get itself counted out. Members -falling around us like leaves in wintry weather. PRINCE ARTHUR not yet -back; GRANDOLPH off to sunnier climes; JOHN MORLEY, out too soon after -approach to convalescence, gone to break the bank at Monte Carlo; not -likely to be seen here again this side of Christmas. And now BOBBY -SPENCER down; fallen on the field of battle. Came into lobby just -now at usual brisk pace; made his way to Whip's room; drooped on -threshhold. Happily nothing serious; only a passing faint; but -eloquent of strain upon Members in these times. For BOBBY, of course, -the weight is exceptionally heavy. _Nous autres_ come and go; make -holiday when we can get a pair; as often as we have the heart to do -so meet with light negative BOBBY'S touching appeal, "You dine here -to-night?" But for him, always on the spot, his young head full of -State cares, his manly bosom enfolding innumerable State secrets, it -is different. Now the long pending blow suddenly falls, and BOBBY, not -without reminiscence of the elder PITT in an earlier Parliament, fails -at his post--"Young LYCIDAS and hath not left his peer." - - Yet once more, O ye laurels, and once more, - Ye myrtles brown, with ivy never sere, - I come to pluck your berries harsh and crude, - And with forced fingers rude - Shatter your leaves before the mellowing year. - Bitter constraint, and sad occasion dear - Compels me to disturb your season due: - For LYCIDAS is down, down ere his prime. - -"'Compels,'" said the Member for Sark, nothing if not critical. -"Wouldn't you write 'compel'?" - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: THE PARLIAMENTARY BILLIARD TOURNAMENT. "A LONG BREAK."] - - * * * * * - -"Yes, I should; but MILTON didn't; and, on the whole, I prefer his -style." - -_Business done._--Pegging away at Parish Councils Bill. - -_Tuesday._--Since Parish Councils Bill went into Committee, Mr. G. -has been silent in I don't know how many languages. It is highest -compliment to Minister in charge of a Bill that his Leader should -find it possible not only to refrain from taking part in debate, but -habitually to absent himself through long periods of a sitting. -HENRY FOWLER has earned this distinction. His management of intricate -measure has been excellent; conciliating Opposition without causing -revolt in sensitive ranks on own side. His Parliamentary position -distinctly advanced. - -To-night Mr. G. drawn into fray. It was JOKIM who did it. At opening -of sitting FOWLER resisted Amendment by STRACHEY making it permissible -to transfer parochial trusts to management of Parish Council. After -nearly two hours' debate, RIGBY put up to say that Amendment on same -lines standing further down, in name of the contumacious COBB, -would be accepted. "A put-up job!" cried GOSCHEN, sternly eyeing the -irreproachable RIGBY. - -[Illustration: "A put-up job!"] - -This too much for Mr. G. Sat bolt upright from recumbent position in -which he had listened to debate. His eyes blazed; a Jovelike frown -clouded his brow; his hands moved restlessly, as, leaning a little -forward in attitude to spring, he waited till the unconscious JOKIM, -blinking at other side of table, should sit down. Spoke for only ten -minutes; his energy supernal; his voice, long unused, magnificent. "A -put-up job!" he repeated in scornful tones, with sweeping gesture of -the arm. Drew graphic picture of Editors of new Dictionary coming upon -this phrase in Parliamentary Report citing it, as thus:-- - -"JOB, a put-up." (_The Right Hon. J. Goschen, M.P._) - -Young Bloods behind Front Opposition Bench in historic corner, -whose recesses MELLOR'S glance cannot penetrate, didn't like -this. "Question! Question!" they roared. "It is a very interesting -question," said Mr. G., ready for a tussle with them if they insisted. -Pretty to see JOKIM turn round and rebuke the Young Bloods on back -Benches. He was the object of attack; on his head the vials of -bubbling wrath overflowed. But JOKIM has not lived in House of Commons -all these years without its traditions of high courtesy and respect -due to age and position being ingrained. He was shocked to hear speech -of Leader of House broken in upon with noisy cries of "Question!" and, -though they came from his own camp-followers, he did not hesitate to -administer sharp rebuke. _Business done._--Got into fresh tight place -with Parish Councils Bill. - -_Thursday._--Quite lively to-night. Merriest evening since Home-Rule -Bill left us. Began with SQUIRE OF MALWOOD. GORST, who is thinking -of leaving his property to found almshouses for pious -ex-Solicitor-Generals, is alarmed at probable operation of this Bill. -His prophetic eye sees time when Parish Council of the future will -step in, snap its fingers at him (the Pious Founder); will -probably introduce Conscience Clause in matutinal exercises of aged -ex-Solicitor-Generals. GORST draws up case on back of Orders; presents -it in form of conundrum. SQUIRE OF MALWOOD hugely contemptuous. -Nothing easier than to draw up trust deed in form that should obviate -catastrophe foreseen by GORST'S fervid fancy. - -"Just as easy," he says, "as a boy drawing an animal writes over -it 'This is a lion.' You draw your trust; write 'This is an -Ecclesiastical Charity,' and there you are. It will be out of purview -of the Act." - -This would have been all very well if JESSE COLLINGS had not chanced -to be among audience. Members evidently carried away by SQUIRE OF -MALWOOD'S sophistry. JESSE pulled them up. - -"Supposing," he said, looking unutterably wise, "the boy draws an -animal; writes over it, 'This is a lion,' and it turns out to be an -elephant. Where are you then?" - -House really didn't know; positively staggered. "Just like one of -those questions the _Carpenter_ in 'Through the Looking Glass' used -to ask _Alice_," said GEORGE CURZON. "Floors everybody." Instead of -sitting down and bravely facing difficulty suggested by JESSE'S active -mind, Members, catching sight of SOLICITOR-GENERAL contemplating -nature from Treasury Bench, with one accord turned upon him. Cries of -"RIGBY! RIGBY!" filled Chamber. Everything forgotten in excitement of -this new chase. The lion lay down with the elephant, and the SQUIRE -OF MALWOOD led them. PRINCE ARTHUR, back after a bout of influenza, -joined in chase with boyish energy. HENRY JAMES and JOSEPH answered -from opposite camp. J. G. TALBOT delivered what, judging from his -manner, was a funeral sermon over departed but anonymous friend; only -a sentence heard here and there amid the uproar. SOLICITOR-GENERAL -sat silent, with no other sign of consciousness than an occasional -benevolent shaking of the head when the cry of "RIGBY! RIGBY!" rose to -stormier heights. - -At length PRINCE ARTHUR moved to report progress. With this pistol -at his head, RIGBY rose, and proceeded in his inimitable manner to -deliver an opinion on the case. When lo! the strangest thing of all -happened. Members on Opposition benches, who had made themselves -hoarse in clamouring for RIGBY, now when he coyly yielded to their -flattering insistence on his stating his views, hurriedly left the -House. But they'd had their joke, a joke two hours long. Were not -going to have it spoiled by an anti-climax. - -[Illustration: Baiting the Solicitor-General.] - -_Business done._--None; but a merry night withal. - -_Friday._--More about Charities as affected by Parish Councils Bill. -Opposition got their back up. They love the Bill more than ever; -but they will not let it pass. A great deal said about charity; but -there's no lovingkindness. Encouraged by hunt of last night turn -again upon SOLICITOR-GENERAL. A thirst for information. PRINCE ARTHUR -insinuatingly suggests that House would be happy if RIGBY would -only give his views as to the precise meaning of phrase "parochial -charities." RIGBY affects not to hear. Diligently makes notes on his -brief with preoccupied air. JOSEPH runs in from behind and pulls -the hair of his right hon. friend the SQUIRE OF MALWOOD. The SQUIRE, -nothing loath, lets fly from the shoulder. Rumpus; somebody moves -Closure; Chairman takes no notice; at end of two hours Committee -divide. Coming back, approach identical question from slightly -different point of view; talk round it for another two hours. At -twelve o'clock we go home with uneasy feeling that for all practical -purposes, as far as progress of Bill is concerned, we might as well -have stopped there. _Business done._--None. - - * * * * * - -ERRATIC.--There was an odd-looking misprint in _Le Figaro_ for -Wednesday last of an "r" for an "i," so that what was intended for "la -Cour d'assises à Old Bailey" read "la Cour d'assises à Old Barley." -Our friend in _Punch_, "Old BILL BARLEY," would be pleased to find -himself famous in French. - - * * * * * - -THE JUDGMENT OF PARIS.--Death to dealers in death! - - * * * * * - - - - -Transcriber's Note: - - Page 282: 'glosing' is an archaic word. - - (Glose) n. & v. See Gloze. Chaucer. - - (Gloze) v. i. [imp. & p. p. Glozed; p. pr. & vb. n. Glozing.] - [OE. glosen, F. gloser. See gloss explanation.] - - 1. To flatter; to wheedle; to fawn; to talk smoothly. Chaucer. - (etc., from Webster's 1913 Online Dictionary). - - * * * * * - - - - - -End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. -105 December 16, 1893, by Various - -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OF THE LONDON OF CHARIVARI, VOL. 105 DECEMBER 16, 1893 *** - -***** This file should be named 40204-8.txt or 40204-8.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: - http://www.gutenberg.org/4/0/2/0/40204/ - -Produced by Malcolm Farmer, Lesley Halamek and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net - - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions -will be renamed. - -Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no -one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation -(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without -permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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