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diff --git a/old/pnrod10.txt b/old/pnrod10.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..3fc5a87 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/pnrod10.txt @@ -0,0 +1,8520 @@ +**The Project Gutenberg Etext of Penrod, by Booth Tarkington*** +#2 in our series by Booth Tarkington + + +Copyright laws are changing all over the world, be sure to check +the copyright laws for your country before posting these files! + +Please take a look at the important information in this header. +We encourage you to keep this file on your own disk, keeping an +electronic path open for the next readers. Do not remove this. + + +**Welcome To The World of Free Plain Vanilla Electronic Texts** + +**Etexts Readable By Both Humans and By Computers, Since 1971** + +*These Etexts Prepared By Hundreds of Volunteers and Donations* + +Information on contacting Project Gutenberg to get Etexts, and +further information is included below. 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If you + don't derive profits, no royalty is due. Royalties are + payable to "Project Gutenberg Association / Illinois + Benedictine College" within the 60 days following each + date you prepare (or were legally required to prepare) + your annual (or equivalent periodic) tax return. + +WHAT IF YOU *WANT* TO SEND MONEY EVEN IF YOU DON'T HAVE TO? +The Project gratefully accepts contributions in money, time, +scanning machines, OCR software, public domain etexts, royalty +free copyright licenses, and every other sort of contribution +you can think of. Money should be paid to "Project Gutenberg +Association / Illinois Benedictine College". + +*END*THE SMALL PRINT! FOR PUBLIC DOMAIN ETEXTS*Ver.04.29.93*END* + + + + + +BOOTH TARKINGTON + +Penrod + + + +TO + +JOHN, DONALD AND BOOTH JAMESON + +FROM A GRATEFUL UNCLE + + + + CONTENTS +CHAPTER +I. A Boy and His Dog +II. Romance +III. The Costume +IV. Desperation +V. The Pageant of the Table Round +VI. Evening +VII. Evils of Drink +VIII. School +IX. Soaring +X. Uncle John +XI. Fidelity of a Little Dog +XII. Miss Rennsdale Accepts +XIII. The Smallpox Medicine +XIV. Maurice Levy's Constitution +XV. The Two Families +XVI. The New Star +XVII. Retiring from the Show-Business +XVIII. Music +XIX. The Inner Boy +XX. Brothers of Angels +XXI. Rupe Collins +XXII. The Imitator +XXIII. Coloured Troops in Action +XXIV. "Little Gentleman" +XXV. Tar +XXVI. The Quiet Afternoon +XXVII. Conclusion of the Quiet Afternoon +XXVIII. Twelve +XXIX. Fanchon +XXX. The Birthday Party +XXXI. Over the Fence + + + +CHAPTER I +A BOY AND HIS DOG + +Penrod sat morosely upon the back fence and gazed with envy at +Duke, his wistful dog. + +A bitter soul dominated the various curved and angular +surfaces known by a careless world as the face of Penrod +Schofield. Except in solitude, that face was almost always +cryptic and emotionless; for Penrod had come into his twelfth +year wearing an expression carefully trained to be inscrutable. +Since the world was sure to misunderstand everything, mere +defensive instinct prompted him to give it as little as possible +to lay hold upon. Nothing is more impenetrable than the +face of a boy who has learned this, and Penrod's was habitually +as fathomless as the depth of his hatred this morning for the +literary activities of Mrs. Lora Rewbush--an almost universally +respected fellow citizen, a lady of charitable and poetic +inclinations, and one of his own mother's most intimate friends. + +Mrs. Lora Rewbush had written something which she called "The +Children's Pageant of the Table Round," and it was to be +performed in public that very afternoon at the Women's Arts and +Guild Hall for the benefit of the Coloured Infants' Betterment +Society. And if any flavour of sweetness remained in the nature +of Penrod Schofield after the dismal trials of the school-week +just past, that problematic, infinitesimal remnant was made +pungent acid by the imminence of his destiny to form a prominent +feature of the spectacle, and to declaim the loathsome sentiments +of a character named upon the programme the Child Sir Lancelot. + +After each rehearsal he had plotted escape, and only ten days +earlier there had been a glimmer of light: Mrs. Lora Rewbush +caught a very bad cold, and it was hoped it might develop into +pneumonia; but she recovered so quickly that not even a rehearsal +of the Children's Pageant was postponed. Darkness closed in. +Penrod had rather vaguely debated plans for a self-mutilation +such as would make his appearance as the Child Sir Lancelot +inexpedient on public grounds; it was a heroic and attractive +thought, but the results of some extremely sketchy preliminary +experiments caused him to abandon it. + +There was no escape; and at last his hour was hard upon him. +Therefore he brooded on the fence and gazed with envy at his +wistful Duke. + +The dog's name was undescriptive of his person, which was +obviously the result of a singular series of mesalliances. He +wore a grizzled moustache and indefinite whiskers; he was small +and shabby, and looked like an old postman. Penrod envied Duke +because he was sure Duke would never be compelled to be a Child +Sir Lancelot. He thought a dog free and unshackled to go or come +as the wind listeth. Penrod forgot the life he led Duke. + +There was a long soliloquy upon the fence, a plaintive +monologue without words: the boy's thoughts were adjectives, but +they were expressed by a running film of pictures in his mind's +eye, morbidly prophetic of the hideosities before him. Finally +he spoke aloud, with such spleen that Duke rose from his haunches +and lifted one ear in keen anxiety. + + "`I hight Sir Lancelot du Lake, the Child, + Gentul-hearted, meek, and mild. + What though I'm BUT a littul child, + Gentul-hearted, meek, and----' OOF!" + + +All of this except "oof" was a quotation from the Child Sir +Lancelot, as conceived by Mrs. Lora Rewbush. Choking upon it, +Penrod slid down from the fence, and with slow and thoughtful +steps entered a one-storied wing of the stable, consisting of a +single apartment, floored with cement and used as a storeroom for +broken bric-a-brac, old paint-buckets, decayed garden-hose, worn- +out carpets, dead furniture, and other condemned odds and ends +not yet considered hopeless enough to be given away. + +In one corner stood a large box, a part of the building +itself: it was eight feet high and open at the top, and it had +been constructed as a sawdust magazine from which was drawn +material for the horse's bed in a stall on the other side of the +partition. The big box, so high and towerlike, so commodious, so +suggestive, had ceased to fulfil its legitimate function; though, +providentially, it had been at least half full of sawdust when +the horse died. Two years had gone by since that passing; an +interregnum in transportation during which Penrod's father was +"thinking" (he explained sometimes) of an automobile. Meanwhile, +the gifted and generous sawdust-box had served brilliantly in war +and peace: it was Penrod's stronghold. + +There was a partially defaced sign upon the front wall of the +box; the donjon-keep had known mercantile impulses: + +The O. K. RaBiT Co. +PENROD ScHoFiELD AND CO. +iNQuiRE FOR PRicEs + + +This was a venture of the preceding vacation, and had netted, +at one time, an accrued and owed profit of $1.38. Prospects had +been brightest on the very eve of cataclysm. The storeroom was +locked and guarded, but twenty-seven rabbits and Belgian hares, +old and young, had perished here on a single night--through no +human agency, but in a foray of cats, the besiegers treacherously +tunnelling up through the sawdust from the small aperture which +opened into the stall beyond the partition. Commerce has its +martyrs. + +Penrod climbed upon a barrel, stood on tiptoe, grasped the +rim of the box; then, using a knot-hole as a stirrup, threw one +leg over the top, drew himself up, and dropped within. Standing +upon the packed sawdust, he was just tall enough to see over the +top. + +Duke had not followed him into the storeroom, but remained +near the open doorway in a concave and pessimistic attitude. +Penrod felt in a dark corner of the box and laid hands upon a +simple apparatus consisting of an old bushel-basket with a few +yards of clothes-line tied to each of its handles. He passed the +ends of the lines over a big spool, which revolved upon an axle +of wire suspended from a beam overhead, and, with the aid of this +improvised pulley, lowered the empty basket until it came to rest +in an upright position upon the floor of the storeroom at the +foot of the sawdust-box. + +"Eleva-ter!" shouted Penrod. "Ting-ting!" + +Duke, old and intelligently apprehensive, approached slowly, +in a semicircular manner, deprecatingly, but with courtesy. He +pawed the basket delicately; then, as if that were all his master +had expected of him, uttered one bright bark, sat down, and +looked up triumphantly. His hypocrisy was shallow: many a +horrible quarter of an hour had taught him his duty in this +matter. + +"El-e-VAY-ter!" shouted Penrod sternly. "You want me to +come down there to you?" + +Duke looked suddenly haggard. He pawed the basket feebly +again and, upon another outburst from on high, prostrated himself +flat. Again threatened, he gave a superb impersonation of a +worm. + +"You get in that el-e-VAY-ter!" + +Reckless with despair, Duke jumped into the basket, landing +in a dishevelled posture, which he did not alter until he had +been drawn up and poured out upon the floor of sawdust with the +box. There, shuddering, he lay in doughnut shape and presently +slumbered. + +It was dark in the box, a condition that might have been +remedied by sliding back a small wooden panel on runners, which +would have let in ample light from the alley; but Penrod +Schofield had more interesting means of illumination. He knelt, +and from a former soap-box, in a corner, took a lantern, +without a chimney, and a large oil-can, the leak in the latter +being so nearly imperceptible that its banishment from household +use had seemed to Penrod as inexplicable as it was providential. + +He shook the lantern near his ear: nothing splashed; there +was no sound but a dry clinking. But there was plenty of +kerosene in the can; and he filled the lantern, striking a match +to illumine the operation. Then he lit the lantern and hung it +upon a nail against the wall. The sawdust floor was slightly +impregnated with oil, and the open flame quivered in suggestive +proximity to the side of the box; however, some rather deep +charrings of the plank against which the lantern hung offered +evidence that the arrangement was by no means a new one, and +indicated at least a possibility of no fatality occurring this +time. + +Next, Penrod turned up the surface of the sawdust in another +corner of the floor, and drew forth a cigar-box in which were +half a dozen cigarettes, made of hayseed and thick brown wrapping +paper, a lead-pencil, an eraser, and a small note-book, the cover +of which was labelled in his own handwriting: + +"English Grammar. Penrod Schofield. Room 6, Ward School +Nomber Seventh." + +The first page of this book was purely academic; but the +study of English undefiled terminated with a slight jar at the +top of the second: "Nor must an adverb be used to modif----" + +Immediately followed: + +"HARoLD RAMoREZ THE RoADAGENT + OR WiLD LiFE AMoNG THE + ROCKY MTS." + +And the subsequent entries in the book appeared to have little +concern with Room 6, Ward School Nomber Seventh. + + + +CHAPTER II +ROMANCE + +The author of "Harold Ramorez," etc., lit one of the hayseed +cigarettes, seated himself comfortably, with his back against the +wall and his right shoulder just under the lantern, elevated his +knees to support the note-book, turned to a blank page, and +wrote, slowly and earnestly: + + "CHAPITER THE SIXTH" + + +He took a knife from his pocket, and, broodingly, his eyes +upon the inward embryos of vision, sharpened his pencil. After +that, he extended a foot and meditatively rubbed Duke's +back with the side of his shoe. Creation, with Penrod, did not +leap, full-armed, from the brain; but finally he began to +produce. He wrote very slowly at first, and then with increasing +rapidity; faster and faster, gathering momentum and growing more +and more fevered as he sped, till at last the true fire came, +without which no lamp of real literature may be made to burn. + + +Mr. Wilson reched for his gun but our hero had him covred and +soon said Well I guess you don't come any of that on me my +freind. + +Well what makes you so sure about it sneered the other +bitting his lip so savageley that the blood ran. You are nothing +but a common Roadagent any way and I do not propose to be bafled +by such, Ramorez laughed at this and kep Mr. Wilson covred by his +ottomatick + +Soon the two men were struggling together in the death-roes +but soon Mr Wilson got him bound and gaged his mouth and went +away for awhile leavin our hero, it was dark and he writhd at his +bonds writhing on the floor wile the rats came out of their holes +and bit him and vernim got all over him from the floor of that +helish spot but soon he managed to push the gag out of his mouth +with the end of his toungeu and got all his bonds off + +Soon Mr Wilson came back to tant him with his helpless +condition flowed by his gang of detectives and they said Oh look +at Ramorez sneering at his plight and tanted him with his +helpless condition because Ramorez had put the bonds back sos he +would look the same but could throw them off him when he wanted +to Just look at him now sneered they. To hear him talk you would +thought he was hot stuff and they said Look at him now, him that +was going to do so much, Oh I would not like to be in his fix + +Soon Harold got mad at this and jumped up with blasing +eyes throwin off his bonds like they were air Ha Ha sneered +he I guess you better not talk so much next time. Soon there +flowed another awful struggle and siezin his ottomatick back from +Mr Wilson he shot two of the detectives through the heart Bing +Bing went the ottomatick and two more went to meet their Maker +only two detectives left now and so he stabbed one and the +scondrel went to meet his Maker for now our hero was fighting for +his very life. It was dark in there now for night had falen and +a terrible view met the eye Blood was just all over everything +and the rats were eatin the dead men. + +Soon our hero manged to get his back to the wall for he was +fighting for his very life now and shot Mr Wilson through the +abodmen Oh said Mr Wilson you---- ---- ---- (The dashes are +Penrod's.) + +Mr Wilson stagerd back vile oaths soilin his lips for he was +in pain Why you---- ----you sneered he I will get you yet---- +----you Harold Ramorez + +The remainin scondrel had an ax which he came near our heros +head with but missed him and ramand stuck in the wall Our heros +amunition was exhaused what was he to do, the remanin scondrel +would soon get his ax lose so our hero sprung forward and bit him +till his teeth met in the flech for now our hero was fighting for +his very life. At this the remanin scondrel also cursed and +swore vile oaths. Oh sneered he---- ---- ----you Harold Ramorez +what did you bite me for Yes sneered Mr Wilson also and he has +shot me in the abdomen too the---- + +Soon they were both cursin and reviln him together Why +you---- ---- ---- ---- ----sneered they what did you want to +injure us for----you Harold Ramorez you have not got any sence +and you think you are so much but you are no better than anybody +else and you are a---- ---- ---- ---- ---- ---- + +Soon our hero could stand this no longer. If you could learn +to act like gentlmen said he I would not do any more to you +now and your low vile exppresions have not got any effect on me +only to injure your own self when you go to meet your Maker Oh I +guess you have had enogh for one day and I think you have learned +a lesson and will not soon atemp to beard Harold Ramorez again so +with a tantig laugh he cooly lit a cigarrete and takin the keys +of the cell from Mr Wilson poket went on out + +Soon Mr Wilson and the wonded detective manged to bind up +their wonds and got up off the floor---- ----it I will have that +dasstads life now sneered they if we have to swing for it---- +---- ---- ----him he shall not eccape us again the low down---- +---- ---- ---- ---- + +Chapiter seventh + +A mule train of heavily laden burros laden with gold from the +mines was to be seen wondering among the highest clifts and gorgs +of the Rocky Mts and a tall man with a long silken mustash and a +cartigde belt could be heard cursin vile oaths because he well +knew this was the lair of Harold Ramorez Why---- ---- ----you +you---- ---- ---- ---- mules you sneered he because the poor +mules were not able to go any quicker ---- you I will show you +Why---- ---- ---- ---- ---- ----it sneered he his oaths growing +viler and viler I will whip you---- ---- ---- ---- ---- ---- +----you sos you will not be able to walk for a week---- ----you +you mean old---- ---- ---- ---- ---- ---- ---- ---- ----mules you + +Scarcly had the vile words left his lips when---- + + +"PENROD!" + +It was his mother's voice, calling from the back porch. + +Simultaneously, the noon whistles began to blow, far and +near; and the romancer in the sawdust-box, summoned prosaically +from steep mountain passes above the clouds, paused with +stubby pencil halfway from lip to knee. His eyes were shining: +there was a rapt sweetness in his gaze. As he wrote, his burden +had grown lighter; thoughts of Mrs. Lora Rewbush had almost left +him; and in particular as he recounted (even by the chaste dash) +the annoyed expressions of Mr. Wilson, the wounded detective, and +the silken moustached mule-driver, he had felt mysteriously +relieved concerning the Child Sir Lancelot. Altogether he looked +a better and a brighter boy. + +"Pen-ROD!" + +The rapt look faded slowly. He sighed, but moved not. + +"Penrod! We're having lunch early just on your account, so +you'll have plenty of time to be dressed for the pageant. +Hurry!" + +There was silence in Penrod's aerie. + +"PEN-rod!" + +Mrs. Schofields voice sounded nearer, indicating a threatened +approach. Penrod bestirred himself: he blew out the lantern, and +shouted plaintively: + +"Well, ain't I coming fast's I can?" + +"Do hurry," returned the voice, withdrawing; and the kitchen +door could be heard to close. + +Languidly, Penrod proceeded to set his house in order. + +Replacing his manuscript and pencil in the cigar-box, he +carefully buried the box in the sawdust, put the lantern and +oil-can back in the soap-box, adjusted the elevator for the +reception of Duke, and, in no uncertain tone, invited the devoted +animal to enter. + +Duke stretched himself amiably, affecting not to hear; and +when this pretence became so obvious that even a dog could keep +it up no longer, sat down in a corner, facing it, his back to his +master, and his head perpendicular, nose upward, supported by the +convergence of the two walls. This, from a dog, is the last +word, the comble of the immutable. Penrod commanded, +stormed, tried gentleness; persuaded with honeyed words and +pictured rewards. Duke's eyes looked backward; otherwise he +moved not. Time elapsed. Penrod stooped to flattery, finally to +insincere caresses; then, losing patience spouted sudden threats. + +Duke remained immovable, frozen fast to his great gesture of +implacable despair. + +A footstep sounded on the threshold of the store-room. + +"Penrod, come down from that box this instant!" + +"Ma'am?" + +"Are you up in that sawdust-box again?" As Mrs. Schofield +had just heard her son's voice issue from the box, and also, as +she knew he was there anyhow, her question must have been put for +oratorical purposes only. "Because if you are," she continued +promptly, "I'm going to ask your papa not to let you play there +any----" + +Penrod's forehead, his eyes, the tops of his ears, and most +of his hair, became visible to her at the top of the box. "I +ain't `playing!'" he said indignantly. + +"Well, what ARE you doing?" + +"Just coming down," he replied, in a grieved but patient +tone. + +"Then why don't you COME?" + +"I got Duke here. I got to get him DOWN, haven't I? You +don't suppose I want to leave a poor dog in here to starve, do +you?" + +"Well, hand him down over the side to me. Let me----" + +"I'll get him down all right," said Penrod. "I got him up +here, and I guess I can get him down!" + +"Well then, DO it!" + +"I will if you'll let me alone. If you'll go on back to the +house I promise to be there inside of two minutes. Honest!" + +He put extreme urgency into this, and his mother turned +toward the house. "If you're not there in two minutes----" + +"I will be!" + +After her departure, Penrod expended some finalities of +eloquence upon Duke, then disgustedly gathered him up in his +arms, dumped him into the basket and, shouting sternly, "All in +for the ground floor--step back there, madam--all ready, Jim!" +lowered dog and basket to the floor of the storeroom. Duke +sprang out in tumultuous relief, and bestowed frantic +affection upon his master as the latter slid down from the box. + +Penrod dusted himself sketchily, experiencing a sense of +satisfaction, dulled by the overhanging afternoon, perhaps, but +perceptible: he had the feeling of one who has been true to a +cause. The operation of the elevator was unsinful and, save for +the shock to Duke's nervous system, it was harmless; but Penrod +could not possibly have brought himself to exhibit it in the +presence of his mother or any other grown person in the world. +The reasons for secrecy were undefined; at least, Penrod did not +define them. + + + +CHAPTER III +THE COSTUME + +After lunch his mother and his sister Margaret, a pretty girl of +nineteen, dressed him for the sacrifice. They stood him near his +mother's bedroom window and did what they would to him. + +During the earlier anguishes of the process he was mute, +exceeding the pathos of the stricken calf in the shambles; but a +student of eyes might have perceived in his soul the premonitory +symptoms of a sinister uprising. At a rehearsal (in citizens' +clothes) attended by mothers and grown-up sisters, Mrs. Lora +Rewbush had announced that she wished the costuming to be +"as medieval and artistic as possible." Otherwise, and as to +details, she said, she would leave the costumes entirely to the +good taste of the children's parents. Mrs. Schofield and +Margaret were no archeologists, but they knew that their taste +was as good as that of other mothers and sisters concerned; so +with perfect confidence they had planned and executed a costume +for Penrod; and the only misgiving they felt was connected with +the tractability of the Child Sir Lancelot himself. + +Stripped to his underwear, he had been made to wash himself +vehemently; then they began by shrouding his legs in a pair of +silk stockings, once blue but now mostly whitish. Upon Penrod +they visibly surpassed mere ampleness; but they were long, and it +required only a rather loose imagination to assume that they were +tights. + +The upper part of his body was next concealed from view by a +garment so peculiar that its description becomes difficult. In +1886, Mrs. Schofield, then unmarried, had worn at her "coming-out +party" a dress of vivid salmon silk which had been remodelled +after her marriage to accord with various epochs of fashion until +a final, unskilful campaign at a dye-house had left it in a +condition certain to attract much attention to the wearer. Mrs. +Schofield had considered giving it to Della, the cook; but had +decided not to do so, because you never could tell how Della was +going to take things, and cooks were scarce. + +It may have been the word "medieval" (in Mrs. Lora Rewbush's +rich phrase) which had inspired the idea for a last conspicuous +usefulness; at all events, the bodice of that once salmon dress, +somewhat modified and moderated, now took a position, for its +farewell appearance in society, upon the back, breast, and arms +of the Child Sir Lancelot. + +The area thus costumed ceased at the waist, leaving a Jaeger- +like and unmedieval gap thence to the tops of the stockings. The +inventive genius of woman triumphantly bridged it, but in a +manner which imposes upon history almost insuperable delicacies +of narration. Penrod's father was an old-fashioned man: the +twentieth century had failed to shake his faith in red flannel +for cold weather; and it was while Mrs. Schofield was putting +away her husband's winter underwear that she perceived how +hopelessly one of the elder specimens had dwindled; and +simultaneously she received the inspiration which resulted in a +pair of trunks for the Child Sir Lancelot, and added an earnest +bit of colour, as well as a genuine touch of the Middle Ages, to +his costume. Reversed, fore to aft, with the greater part of the +legs cut off, and strips of silver braid covering the seams, this +garment, she felt, was not traceable to its original source. + +When it had been placed upon Penrod, the stockings were +attached to it by a system of safety-pins, not very perceptible +at a distance. Next, after being severely warned against +stooping, Penrod got his feet into the slippers he wore to +dancing-school--"patent-leather pumps" now decorated with large +pink rosettes. + +"If I can't stoop," he began, smolderingly, "I'd like to know +how'm I goin' to kneel in the pag----" + +"You must MANAGE!" This, uttered through pins, was +evidently thought to be sufficient. + +They fastened some ruching about his slender neck, pinned +ribbons at random all over him, and then Margaret thickly +powdered his hair. + +"Oh, yes, that's all right," she said, replying to a question +put by her mother. "They always powdered their hair in Colonial +times." + +"It doesn't seem right to me--exactly," objected Mrs. +Schofield, gently. "Sir Lancelot must have been ever so long +before Colonial times." + +"That doesn't matter," Margaret reassured her. "Nobody'll +know the difference--Mrs. Lora Rewbush least of all. I don't +think she knows a thing about it, though, of course, she does +write splendidly and the words of the pageant are just beautiful. + +Stand still, Penrod!" (The author of "Harold Ramorez" had moved +convulsively.) "Besides, powdered hair's always becoming. Look +at him. You'd hardly know it was Penrod!" + +The pride and admiration with which she pronounced this +undeniable truth might have been thought tactless, but Penrod, +not analytical, found his spirits somewhat elevated. No mirror +was in his range of vision and, though he had submitted to +cursory measurements of his person a week earlier, he had no +previous acquaintance with the costume. He began to form a not +unpleasing mental picture of his appearance, something somewhere +between the portraits of George Washington and a vivid memory of +Miss Julia Marlowe at a matinee of "Twelfth Night." + +He was additionally cheered by a sword which had been +borrowed from a neighbor, who was a Knight of Pythias. Finally +there was a mantle, an old golf cape of Margaret's. Fluffy +polka-dots of white cotton had been sewed to it generously; also +it was ornamented with a large cross of red flannel, suggested by +the picture of a Crusader in a newspaper advertisement. The +mantle was fastened to Penrod's shoulder (that is, to the +shoulder of Mrs. Schofield's ex-bodice) by means of large safety- +pins, and arranged to hang down behind him, touching his heels, +but obscuring nowise the glory of his facade. Then, at last, he +was allowed to step before a mirror. + +It was a full-length glass, and the worst immediately +happened. It might have been a little less violent, perhaps, if +Penrod's expectations had not been so richly and poetically +idealized; but as things were, the revolt was volcanic. + +Victor Hugo's account of the fight with the devil-fish, in +"Toilers of the Sea," encourages a belief that, had Hugo +lived and increased in power, he might have been equal to a +proper recital of the half hour which followed Penrod's first +sight of himself as the Child Sir Lancelot. But Mr. Wilson +himself, dastard but eloquent foe of Harold Ramorez, could not +have expressed, with all the vile dashes at his command, the +sentiments which animated Penrod's bosom when the instantaneous +and unalterable conviction descended upon him that he was +intended by his loved ones to make a public spectacle of himself +in his sister's stockings and part of an old dress of his +mother's. + +To him these familiar things were not disguised at all; there +seemed no possibility that the whole world would not know them at +a glance. The stockings were worse than the bodice. He had been +assured that these could not be recognized, but, seeing them in +the mirror, he was sure that no human eye could fail at first +glance to detect the difference between himself and the former +purposes of these stockings. Fold, wrinkle, and void shrieked +their history with a hundred tongues, invoking earthquake, +eclipse, and blue ruin. The frantic youth's final submission was +obtained only after a painful telephonic conversation between +himself and his father, the latter having been called up and +upon, by the exhausted Mrs. Schofield, to subjugate his offspring +by wire. + +The two ladies made all possible haste, after this, to +deliver Penrod into the hands of Mrs. Lora Rewbush; +nevertheless, they found opportunity to exchange earnest +congratulations upon his not having recognized the humble but +serviceable paternal garment now brilliant about the Lancelotish +middle. Altogether, they felt that the costume was a success. +Penrod looked like nothing ever remotely imagined by Sir Thomas +Malory or Alfred Tennyson;--for that matter, he looked like +nothing ever before seen on earth; but as Mrs. Schofield and +Margaret took their places in the audience at the Women's Arts +and Guild Hall, the anxiety they felt concerning Penrod's +elocutionary and gesticular powers, so soon to be put to public +test, was pleasantly tempered by their satisfaction that, owing +to their efforts, his outward appearance would be a credit to the +family. + + + +CHAPTER IV +DESPERATION + +The Child Sir Lancelot found himself in a large anteroom behind +the stage--a room crowded with excited children, all about +equally medieval and artistic. Penrod was less conspicuous than +he thought himself, but he was so preoccupied with his own shame, +steeling his nerves to meet the first inevitable taunting +reference to his sister's stockings, that he failed to perceive +there were others present in much of his own unmanned condition. +Retiring to a corner, immediately upon his entrance, he managed +to unfasten the mantle at the shoulders, and, drawing it round +him, pinned it again at his throat so that it concealed +the rest of his costume. This permitted a temporary relief, but +increased his horror of the moment when, in pursuance of the +action of the "pageant," the sheltering garment must be cast +aside. + +Some of the other child knights were also keeping their +mantles close about them. A few of the envied opulent swung +brilliant fabrics from their shoulders, airily, showing off hired +splendours from a professional costumer's stock, while one or two +were insulting examples of parental indulgence, particularly +little Maurice Levy, the Child Sir Galahad. This shrinking +person went clamorously about, making it known everywhere that +the best tailor in town had been dazzled by a great sum into +constructing his costume. It consisted of blue velvet +knickerbockers, a white satin waistcoat, and a beautifully cut +little swallow-tailed coat with pearl buttons. The medieval and +artistic triumph was completed by a mantle of yellow velvet, and +little white boots, sporting gold tassels. + +All this radiance paused in a brilliant career and addressed +the Child Sir Lancelot, gathering an immediately formed +semicircular audience of little girls. Woman was ever the +trailer of magnificence. + +"What YOU got on?" inquired Mr. Levy, after dispensing +information. "What you got on under that ole golf cape?" + +Penrod looked upon him coldly. At other times his +questioner would have approached him with deference, even with +apprehension. But to-day the Child Sir Galahad was somewhat +intoxicated with the power of his own beauty. + +"What YOU got on?" he repeated. + +"Oh, nothin'," said Penrod, with an indifference assumed at +great cost to his nervous system. + +The elate Maurice was inspired to set up as a wit. "Then +you're nakid!" he shouted exultantly. "Penrod Schofield says he +hasn't got nothin' on under that ole golf cape! He's nakid! +He's nakid." + +The indelicate little girls giggled delightedly, and a +javelin pierced the inwards of Penrod when he saw that the Child +Elaine, amber-curled and beautiful Marjorie Jones, lifted golden +laughter to the horrid jest. + +Other boys and girls came flocking to the uproar. "He's +nakid, he's nakid!" shrieked the Child Sir Galahad. "Penrod +Schofield's nakid! He's NA-A-A-KID!" + +"Hush, hush!" said Mrs. Lora Rewbush, pushing her way into +the group. "Remember, we are all little knights and ladies to- +day. Little knights and ladies of the Table Round would not make +so much noise. Now children, we must begin to take our places on +the stage. Is everybody here?" + +Penrod made his escape under cover of this diversion: he slid +behind Mrs. Lora Rewbush, and being near a door, opened it +unnoticed and went out quickly, closing it behind him. He +found himself in a narrow and vacant hallway which led to a door +marked "Janitor's Room." + +Burning with outrage, heart-sick at the sweet, cold-blooded +laughter of Marjorie Jones, Penrod rested his elbows upon a +window-sill and speculated upon the effects of a leap from the +second story. One of the reasons he gave it up was his desire to +live on Maurice Levy's account: already he was forming +educational plans for the Child Sir Galahad. + +A stout man in blue overalls passed through the hallway +muttering to himself petulantly. "I reckon they'll find that +hall hot enough NOW!" he said, conveying to Penrod an +impression that some too feminine women had sent him upon an +unreasonable errand to the furnace. He went into the Janitor's +Room and, emerging a moment later, minus the overalls, passed +Penrod again with a bass rumble--"Dern 'em!" it seemed he said-- +and made a gloomy exit by the door at the upper end of the +hallway. + +The conglomerate and delicate rustle of a large, mannerly +audience was heard as the janitor opened and closed the door; and +stage-fright seized the boy. The orchestra began an overture, +and, at that, Penrod, trembling violently, tiptoed down the hall +into the Janitor's Room. It was a cul-de-sac: There was no +outlet save by the way he had come. + +Despairingly he doffed his mantle and looked down upon +himself for a last sickening assurance that the stockings +were as obviously and disgracefully Margaret's as they had seemed +in the mirror at home. For a moment he was encouraged: perhaps +he was no worse than some of the other boys. Then he noticed +that a safety-pin had opened; one of those connecting the +stockings with his trunks. He sat down to fasten it and his eye +fell for the first time with particular attention upon the +trunks. Until this instant he had been preoccupied with the +stockings. + +Slowly recognition dawned in his eyes. + +The Schofields' house stood on a corner at the intersection +of two main-travelled streets; the fence was low, and the +publicity obtained by the washable portion of the family apparel, +on Mondays, had often been painful to Penrod; for boys have a +peculiar sensitiveness in these matters. A plain, matter-of-fact +washerwoman' employed by Mrs. Schofield, never left anything to +the imagination of the passer-by; and of all her calm display the +scarlet flaunting of his father's winter wear had most abashed +Penrod. One day Marjorie Jones, all gold and starch, had passed +when the dreadful things were on the line: Penrod had hidden +himself, shuddering. The whole town, he was convinced, knew +these garments intimately and derisively. + +And now, as he sat in the janitor's chair, the horrible and +paralyzing recognition came. He had not an instant's doubt that +every fellow actor, as well as every soul in the audience, would +recognize what his mother and sister had put upon him. For +as the awful truth became plain to himself it seemed blazoned to +the world; and far, far louder than the stockings, the trunks did +fairly bellow the grisly secret: WHOSE they were and WHAT +they were! + +Most people have suffered in a dream the experience of +finding themselves very inadequately clad in the midst of a crowd +of well-dressed people, and such dreamers' sensations are +comparable to Penrod's, though faintly, because Penrod was awake +and in much too full possession of the most active capacities for +anguish. + +A human male whose dress has been damaged, or reveals some +vital lack, suffers from a hideous and shameful loneliness which +makes every second absolutely unbearable until he is again as +others of his sex and species; and there is no act or sin +whatever too desperate for him in his struggle to attain that +condition. Also, there is absolutely no embarrassment possible +to a woman which is comparable to that of a man under +corresponding circumstances and in this a boy is a man. Gazing +upon the ghastly trunks, the stricken Penrod felt that he was a +degree worse then nude; and a great horror of himself filled his +soul. + +"Penrod Schofield!" + +The door into the hallway opened, and a voice demanded him. +He could not be seen from the hallway, but the hue and the cry +was up; and he knew he must be taken. It was only a question +of seconds. He huddled in his chair. + +"Penrod Schofield!" cried Mrs. Lora Rewbush angrily. + +The distracted boy rose and, as he did so, a long pin sank +deep into his back. He extracted it frenziedly, which brought to +his ears a protracted and sonorous ripping, too easily located by +a final gesture of horror. + +"Penrod Schofield!" Mrs. Lora Rewbush had come out into the +hallway. + +And now, in this extremity, when all seemed lost indeed, +particularly including honour, the dilating eye of the outlaw +fell upon the blue overalls which the janitor had left hanging +upon a peg. + +Inspiration and action were almost simultaneous. + + + +CHAPTER V +THE PAGEANT OF THE TABLE ROUND + + +"Penrod!" Mrs. Lora Rewbush stood in the doorway, indignantly +gazing upon a Child Sir Lancelot mantled to the heels. "Do you +know that you have kept an audience of five hundred people +waiting for ten minutes?" She, also, detained the five hundred +while she spake further. + +"Well," said Penrod contentedly, as he followed her toward +the buzzing stage, "I was just sitting there thinking." + +Two minutes later the curtain rose on a medieval castle hall +richly done in the new stage-craft made in Germany and consisting +of pink and blue cheesecloth. The Child King Arthur and +the Child Queen Guinevere were disclosed upon thrones, with the +Child Elaine and many other celebrities in attendance; while +about fifteen Child Knights were seated at a dining-room table +round, which was covered with a large Oriental rug, and displayed +(for the knights' refreshment) a banquet service of silver +loving-cups and trophies, borrowed from the Country Club and some +local automobile manufacturers. + +In addition to this splendour, potted plants and palms have +seldom been more lavishly used in any castle on the stage or off. + +The footlights were aided by a "spot-light" from the rear of the +hall; and the children were revealed in a blaze of glory. + +A hushed, multitudinous "O-OH" of admiration came from +the decorous and delighted audience. Then the children sang +feebly: + + +"Chuldrun of the Tabul Round, + Lit-tul knights and ladies we. +Let our voy-siz all resound + Faith and hope and charitee!" + + +The Child King Arthur rose, extended his sceptre with the +decisive gesture of a semaphore, and spake: + + +"Each littul knight and lady born +Has noble deeds TO perform +In THEE child-world of shivullree, +No matter how small his share may be. +Let each advance and tell in turn +What claim has each to knighthood earn." + + +The Child Sir Mordred, the villain of this piece, rose in his +place at the table round, and piped the only lines ever written +by Mrs. Lora Rewbush which Penrod Schofield could have pronounced +without loathing. Georgie Bassett, a really angelic boy, had +been selected for the role of Mordred. His perfect conduct had +earned for him the sardonic sobriquet, "The Little Gentleman," +among his boy acquaintances. (Naturally he had no friends.) +Hence the other boys supposed that he had been selected for the +wicked Mordred as a reward of virtue. He declaimed serenely: + + + "I hight Sir Mordred the Child, and I teach + Lessons of selfishest evil, and reach + Out into darkness. Thoughtless, unkind, + And ruthless is Mordred, and unrefined." + + +The Child Mordred was properly rebuked and denied the +accolade, though, like the others, he seemed to have assumed the +title already. He made a plotter's exit. Whereupon Maurice Levy +rose, bowed, announced that he highted the Child Sir Galahad, and +continued with perfect sang-froid: + + + "I am the purest of the pure. + I have but kindest thoughts each day. + I give my riches to the poor, + And follow in the Master's way." + + +This elicited tokens of approval from the Child King Arthur, +and he bade Maurice "stand forth" and come near the throne, a +command obeyed with the easy grace of conscious merit. + +It was Penrod's turn. He stepped back from his chair, the +table between him and the audience, and began in a high, +breathless monotone: + + + "I hight Sir Lancelot du Lake, the Child, + Gentul-hearted, meek, and mild. + What though I'm BUT a littul child, + Gentul-heartud, meek, and mild, + I do my share though but--though but----" + + +Penrod paused and gulped. The voice of Mrs. Lora Rewbush was +heard from the wings, prompting irritably, and the Child. Sir +Lancelot repeated: + + + "I do my share though but--though but a tot, + I pray you knight Sir Lancelot!" + + +This also met the royal favour, and Penrod was bidden to join +Sir Galahad at the throne. As he crossed the stage, Mrs. +Schofield whispered to Margaret: + +"That boy! He's unpinned his mantle and fixed it to cover +his whole costume. After we worked so hard to make it becoming!" + +"Never mind; he'll have to take the cape off in a minute," +returned Margaret. She leaned forward suddenly, narrowing her +eyes to see better. "What IS that thing hanging about his +left ankle?" she whispered uneasily. "How queer! He must have +got tangled in something." + +"Where?" asked Mrs. Schofield, in alarm. + +"His left foot. It makes him stumble. Don't you see? It +looks--it looks like an elephant's foot!" + +The Child Sir Lancelot and the Child Sir Galahad clasped +hands before their Child King. Penrod was conscious of a great +uplift; in a moment he would have to throw aside his mantle, but +even so he was protected and sheltered in the human garment of a +man. His stage-fright had passed, for the audience was but an +indistinguishable blur of darkness beyond the dazzling lights. +His most repulsive speech (that in which he proclaimed himself a +"tot") was over and done with; and now at last the small, moist +hand of the Child Sir Galahad lay within his own. Craftily his +brown fingers stole from Maurice's palm to the wrist. The two +boys declaimed in concert: + + + "We are two chuldrun of the Tabul Round + Strewing kindness all a-round. + With love and good deeds striving ever for the best, + May our littul efforts e'er be blest. + Two littul hearts we offer. See + United in love, faith, hope, and char--OW!" + + +The conclusion of the duet was marred. The Child Sir Galahad +suddenly stiffened, and, uttering an irrepressible shriek of +anguish, gave a brief exhibition of the contortionist's art. +("HE'S TWISTIN' MY WRIST! DERN YOU, LEGGO!") + +The voice of Mrs. Lora Rewbush was again heard from the +wings; it sounded bloodthirsty. Penrod released his victim; +and the Child King Arthur, somewhat disconcerted, extended his +sceptre and, with the assistance of the enraged prompter, said: + + + "Sweet child-friends of the Tabul Round, + In brotherly love and kindness abound, + Sir Lancelot, you have spoken well, + Sir Galahad, too, as clear as bell. + So now pray doff your mantles gay. + You shall be knighted this very day." + + +And Penrod doffed his mantle. + +Simultaneously, a thick and vasty gasp came from the +audience, as from five hundred bathers in a wholly unexpected +surf. This gasp was punctuated irregularly, over the auditorium, +by imperfectly subdued screams both of dismay and incredulous +joy, and by two dismal shrieks. Altogether it was an +extraordinary sound, a sound never to be forgotten by any one who +heard it. It was almost as unforgettable as the sight which +caused it; the word "sight" being here used in its vernacular +sense, for Penrod, standing unmantled and revealed in all the +medieval and artistic glory of the janitor's blue overalls, falls +within its meaning. + +The janitor was a heavy man, and his overalls, upon Penrod, +were merely oceanic. The boy was at once swaddled and lost +within their blue gulfs and vast saggings; and the left leg, too +hastily rolled up, had descended with a distinctively elephantine +effect, as Margaret had observed. Certainly, the Child Sir +Lancelot was at least a sight. + +It is probable that a great many in that hall must have had, +even then, a consciousness that they were looking on at History +in the Making. A supreme act is recognizable at sight: it bears +the birthmark of immortality. But Penrod, that marvellous boy, +had begun to declaim, even with the gesture of flinging off his +mantle for the accolade: + + + "I first, the Child Sir Lancelot du Lake, + Will volunteer to knighthood take, + And kneeling here before your throne + I vow to----" + + +He finished his speech unheard. The audience had recovered +breath, but had lost self-control, and there ensued something +later described by a participant as a sort of cultured riot. + +The actors in the "pageant" were not so dumfounded by +Penrod's costume as might have been expected. A few precocious +geniuses perceived that the overalls were the Child Lancelot's +own comment on maternal intentions; and these were profoundly +impressed: they regarded him with the grisly admiration of young +and ambitious criminals for a jail-mate about to be distinguished +by hanging. But most of the children simply took it to be the +case (a little strange, but not startling) that Penrod's mother +had dressed him like that--which is pathetic. They tried to go +on with the "pageant." + +They made a brief, manful effort. But the irrepressible +outbursts from the audience bewildered them; every time Sir +Lancelot du Lake the Child opened his mouth, the great, shadowy +house fell into an uproar, and the children into confusion. +Strong women and brave girls in the audience went out into the +lobby, shrieking and clinging to one another. Others remained, +rocking in their seats, helpless and spent. The neighbourhood of +Mrs. Schofield and Margaret became, tactfully, a desert. Friends +of the author went behind the scenes and encountered a hitherto +unknown phase of Mrs. Lora Rewbush; they said, afterward, that +she hardly seemed to know what she was doing. She begged to be +left alone somewhere with Penrod Schofield, for just a little +while. + +They led her away. + + + +CHAPTER VI +EVENING + +The sun was setting behind the back fence (though at a +considerable distance) as Penrod Schofield approached that fence +and looked thoughtfully up at the top of it, apparently having in +mind some purpose to climb up and sit there. Debating this, he +passed his fingers gently up and down the backs of his legs; and +then something seemed to decide him not to sit anywhere. He +leaned against the fence, sighed profoundly, and gazed at Duke, +his wistful dog. + +The sigh was reminiscent: episodes of simple pathos were +passing before his inward eye. About the most painful was the +vision of lovely Marjorie Jones, weeping with rage as the +Child Sir Lancelot was dragged, insatiate, from the prostrate and +howling Child Sir Galahad, after an onslaught delivered the +precise instant the curtain began to fall upon the demoralized +"pageant." And then--oh, pangs! oh, woman!--she slapped at the +ruffian's cheek, as he was led past her by a resentful janitor; +and turning, flung her arms round the Child Sir Galahad's neck. + +"PENROD SCHOFIELD, DON'T YOU DARE EVER SPEAK TO ME AGAIN +AS LONG AS YOU LIVE!" Maurice's little white boots and gold +tassels had done their work. + +At home the late Child Sir Lancelot was consigned to a locked +clothes-closet pending the arrival of his father. Mr. Schofield +came and, shortly after, there was put into practice an old +patriarchal custom. It is a custom of inconceivable antiquity: +probably primordial, certainly prehistoric, but still in vogue in +some remaining citadels of the ancient simplicities of the +Republic. + +And now, therefore, in the dusk, Penrod leaned against the +fence and sighed. + +His case is comparable to that of an adult who could have +survived a similar experience. Looking back to the sawdust-box, +fancy pictures this comparable adult a serious and inventive +writer engaged in congenial literary activities in a private +retreat. We see this period marked by the creation of some of +the most virile passages of a Work dealing exclusively in red +corpuscles and huge primal impulses. We see this thoughtful man +dragged from his calm seclusion to a horrifying publicity; forced +to adopt the stage and, himself a writer, compelled to exploit +the repulsive sentiments of an author not only personally +distasteful to him but whose whole method and school in belles +lettres he despises. + +We see him reduced by desperation and modesty to stealing a +pair of overalls. We conceive him to have ruined, then, his own +reputation, and to have utterly disgraced his family; next, to +have engaged in the duello and to have been spurned by his +lady-love, thus lost to him (according to her own declaration) +forever. Finally, we must behold: imprisonment by the +authorities; the third degree and flagellation. + +We conceive our man decided that his career had been perhaps +too eventful. Yet Penrod had condensed all of it into eight +hours. + +It appears that he had at least some shadowy perception of a +recent fulness of life, for, as he leaned against the fence, +gazing upon his wistful Duke, he sighed again and murmured aloud: + +"WELL, HASN'T THIS BEEN A DAY!" + +But in a little while a star came out, freshly lighted, from +the highest part of the sky, and Penrod, looking up, noticed it +casually and a little drowsily. He yawned. Then he sighed once +more, but not reminiscently: evening had come; the day was over. +It was a sigh of pure ennui. + + + +CHAPTER VII +EVILS OF DRINK + +Next day, Penrod acquired a dime by a simple and antique process +which was without doubt sometimes practised by the boys of +Babylon. When the teacher of his class in Sunday-school +requested the weekly contribution, Penrod, fumbling honestly (at +first) in the wrong pockets, managed to look so embarrassed that +the gentle lady told him not to mind, and said she was often +forgetful herself. She was so sweet about it that, looking into +the future, Penrod began to feel confident of a small but regular +income. + +At the close of the afternoon services he did not go +home, but proceeded to squander the funds just withheld from +China upon an orgy of the most pungently forbidden description. +In a Drug Emporium, near the church, he purchased a five-cent +sack of candy consisting for the most part of the heavily +flavoured hoofs of horned cattle, but undeniably substantial, and +so generously capable of resisting solution that the purchaser +must needs be avaricious beyond reason who did not realize his +money's worth. + +Equipped with this collation, Penrod contributed his +remaining nickel to a picture show, countenanced upon the seventh +day by the legal but not the moral authorities. Here, in cozy +darkness, he placidly insulted his liver with jaw-breaker upon +jaw-breaker from the paper sack, and in a surfeit of content +watched the silent actors on the screen. + +One film made a lasting impression upon him. It depicted +with relentless pathos the drunkard's progress; beginning with +his conversion to beer in the company of loose travelling men; +pursuing him through an inexplicable lapse into evening clothes +and the society of some remarkably painful ladies, next, +exhibiting the effects of alcohol on the victim's domestic +disposition, the unfortunate man was seen in the act of striking +his wife and, subsequently, his pleading baby daughter with an +abnormally heavy walking-stick. Their flight--through the snow-- +to seek the protection of a relative was shown, and finally, +the drunkard's picturesque behaviour at the portals of a +madhouse. + +So fascinated was Penrod that he postponed his departure +until this film came round again, by which time he had finished +his unnatural repast and almost, but not quite, decided against +following the profession of a drunkard when he grew up. + +Emerging, satiated, from the theatre, a public timepiece +before a jeweller's shop confronted him with an unexpected dial +and imminent perplexities. How was he to explain at home these +hours of dalliance? There was a steadfast rule that he return +direct from Sunday-school; and Sunday rules were important, +because on that day there was his father, always at home and at +hand, perilously ready for action. One of the hardest conditions +of boyhood is the almost continuous strain put upon the powers of +invention by the constant and harassing necessity for +explanations of every natural act. + +Proceeding homeward through the deepening twilight as rapidly +as possible, at a gait half skip and half canter, Penrod made up +his mind in what manner he would account for his long delay, and, +as he drew nearer, rehearsed in words the opening passage of his +defence. + +"Now see here," he determined to begin; "I do not wished to +be blamed for things I couldn't help, nor any other boy. I was +going along the street by a cottage and a lady put her head out +of the window and said her husband was drunk and whipping her +and her little girl, and she asked me wouldn't I come in and help +hold him. So I went in and tried to get hold of this drunken +lady's husband where he was whipping their baby daughter, but he +wouldn't pay any attention, and I TOLD her I ought to be +getting home, but she kep' on askin' me to stay----" + +At this point he reached the corner of his own yard, where a +coincidence not only checked the rehearsal of his eloquence but +happily obviated all occasion for it. A cab from the station +drew up in front of the gate, and there descended a troubled lady +in black and a fragile little girl about three. Mrs. Schofield +rushed from the house and enfolded both in hospitable arms. + +They were Penrod's Aunt Clara and cousin, also Clara, from +Dayton, Illinois, and in the flurry of their arrival everybody +forgot to put Penrod to the question. It is doubtful, however, +if he felt any relief; there may have been even a slight, +unconscious disappointment not altogether dissimilar to that of +an actor deprived of a good part. + +In the course of some really necessary preparations for +dinner he stepped from the bathroom into the pink-and-white +bedchamber of his sister, and addressed her rather thickly +through a towel. + +"When'd mamma find out Aunt Clara and Cousin Clara were +coming?" + +"Not till she saw them from the window. She just happened to +look out as they drove up. Aunt Clara telegraphed this morning, +but it wasn't delivered." + +"How long they goin' to stay?" + +"I don't know." + +Penrod ceased to rub his shining face, and thoughtfully +tossed the towel through the bathroom door. "Uncle John won't +try to make 'em come back home, I guess, will he?" (Uncle John +was Aunt Clara's husband, a successful manufacturer of stoves, +and his lifelong regret was that he had not entered the Baptist +ministry.) "He'll let 'em stay here quietly, won't he?" + +"What ARE you talking about?" demanded Margaret, turning +from her mirror. "Uncle John sent them here. Why shouldn't he +let them stay?" + +Penrod looked crestfallen. "Then he hasn't taken to drink?" + +"Certainly not!" She emphasized the denial with a pretty peal +of soprano laughter. + +"Then why," asked her brother gloomily, "why did Aunt Clara +look so worried when she got here?" + +"Good gracious! Don't people worry about anything except +somebody's drinking? Where did you get such an idea?" + +"Well," he persisted, "you don't KNOW it ain't that." + +She laughed again, wholeheartedly. "Poor Uncle John! He +won't even allow grape juice or ginger ale in his house. +They came because they were afraid little Clara might catch the +measles. She's very delicate, and there's such an epidemic of +measles among the children over in Dayton the schools had to be +closed. Uncle John got so worried that last night he dreamed +about it; and this morning he couldn't stand it any longer and +packed them off over here, though he thinks its wicked to travel +on Sunday. And Aunt Clara was worried when she got here because +they'd forgotten to check her trunk and it will have to be sent +by express. Now what in the name of the common sense put it into +your head that Uncle John had taken to----" + +"Oh, nothing." He turned lifelessly away and went downstairs, +a new-born hope dying in his bosom. Life seems so needlessly +dull sometimes. + + + +CHAPTER VIII +SCHOOL + +Next morning, when he had once more resumed the dreadful burden +of education, it seemed infinitely duller. And yet what +pleasanter sight is there than a schoolroom well filled with +children of those sprouting years just before the 'teens? The +casual visitor, gazing from the teacher's platform upon these +busy little heads, needs only a blunted memory to experience the +most agreeable and exhilarating sensations. Still, for the +greater part, the children are unconscious of the happiness of +their condition; for nothing is more pathetically true than that +we "never know when we are well off." The boys in a +public school are less aware of their happy state than are the +girls; and of all the boys in his room, probably Penrod himself +had the least appreciation of his felicity. + +He sat staring at an open page of a textbook, but not +studying; not even reading; not even thinking. Nor was he lost +in a reverie: his mind's eye was shut, as his physical eye might +well have been, for the optic nerve, flaccid with ennui, +conveyed nothing whatever of the printed page upon which the orb +of vision was partially focused. Penrod was doing something very +unusual and rare, something almost never accomplished except by +coloured people or by a boy in school on a spring day: he was +doing really nothing at all. He was merely a state of being. + +From the street a sound stole in through the open window, and +abhorring Nature began to fill the vacuum called Penrod +Schofield; for the sound was the spring song of a mouth-organ, +coming down the sidewalk. The windows were intentionally above +the level of the eyes of the seated pupils; but the picture of +the musician was plain to Penrod, painted for him by a quality in +the runs and trills, partaking of the oboe, of the calliope, and +of cats in anguish; an excruciating sweetness obtained only by +the wallowing, walloping yellow-pink palm of a hand whose back +was Congo black and shiny. The music came down the street and +passed beneath the window, accompanied by the care-free shuffling +of a pair of old shoes scuffing syncopations on the cement +sidewalk. It passed into the distance; became faint and blurred; +was gone. Emotion stirred in Penrod a great and poignant desire, +but (perhaps fortunately) no fairy godmother made her appearance. + +Otherwise Penrod would have gone down the street in a black skin, +playing the mouth-organ, and an unprepared coloured youth would +have found himself enjoying educational advantages for which he +had no ambition whatever. + +Roused from perfect apathy, the boy cast about the schoolroom +an eye wearied to nausea by the perpetual vision of the neat +teacher upon the platform, the backs of the heads of the pupils +in front of him, and the monotonous stretches of blackboard +threateningly defaced by arithmetical formulae and other insignia +of torture. Above the blackboard, the walls of the high room +were of white plaster--white with the qualified whiteness of old +snow in a soft coal town. This dismal expanse was broken by four +lithographic portraits, votive offerings of a thoughtful +publisher. The portraits were of good and great men, kind men; +men who loved children. Their faces were noble and benevolent. +But the lithographs offered the only rest for the eyes of +children fatigued by the everlasting sameness of the schoolroom. +Long day after long day, interminable week in and interminable +week out, vast month on vast month, the pupils sat with those +four portraits beaming kindness down upon them. The faces +became permanent in the consciousness of the children; they +became an obsession--in and out of school the children were never +free of them. The four faces haunted the minds of children +falling asleep; they hung upon the minds of children waking at +night; they rose forebodingly in the minds of children waking in +the morning; they became monstrously alive in the minds of +children lying sick of fever. Never, while the children of that +schoolroom lived, would they be able to forget one detail of the +four lithographs: the hand of Longfellow was fixed, for them, +forever, in his beard. And by a simple and unconscious +association of ideas, Penrod Schofield was accumulating an +antipathy for the gentle Longfellow and for James Russell Lowell +and for Oliver Wendell Holmes and for John Greenleaf Whittier, +which would never permit him to peruse a work of one of those +great New Englanders without a feeling of personal resentment. + +His eyes fell slowly and inimically from the brow of Whittier +to the braid of reddish hair belonging to Victorine Riordan, the +little octoroon girl who sat directly in front of him. +Victorine's back was as familiar to Penrod as the necktie of +Oliver Wendell Holmes. So was her gayly coloured plaid waist. +He hated the waist as he hated Victorine herself, without knowing +why. Enforced companionship in large quantities and on an equal +basis between the sexes appears to sterilize the affections, +and schoolroom romances are few. + +Victorine's hair was thick, and the brickish glints in it +were beautiful, but Penrod was very tired of it. A tiny knot of +green ribbon finished off the braid and kept it from unravelling; +and beneath the ribbon there was a final wisp of hair which was +just long enough to repose upon Penrod's desk when Victorine +leaned back in her seat. It was there now. Thoughtfully, he +took the braid between thumb and forefinger, and, without +disturbing Victorine, dipped the end of it and the green ribbon +into the inkwell of his desk. He brought hair and ribbon forth +dripping purple ink, and partially dried them on a blotter, +though, a moment later when Victorine leaned forward, they were +still able to add a few picturesque touches to the plaid waist. + +Rudolph Krauss, across the aisle from Penrod, watched the +operation with protuberant eyes, fascinated. Inspired to +imitation, he took a piece of chalk from his pocket and wrote +"RATS" across the shoulder-blades of the boy in front of him, +then looked across appealingly to Penrod for tokens of +congratulation. Penrod yawned. It may not be denied that at +times he appeared to be a very self-centred boy. + + + +CHAPTER IX +SOARING + +Half the members of the class passed out to a recitation-room, +the empurpled Victorine among them, and Miss Spence started the +remaining half through the ordeal of trial by mathematics. +Several boys and girls were sent to the blackboard, and Penrod, +spared for the moment, followed their operations a little while +with his eyes, but not with his mind; then, sinking deeper in his +seat, limply abandoned the effort. His eyes remained open, but +saw nothing; the routine of the arithmetic lesson reached his +ears in familiar, meaningless sounds, but he heard nothing; and +yet, this time, he was profoundly occupied. He had +drifted away from the painful land of facts, and floated now in a +new sea of fancy which he had just discovered. + +Maturity forgets the marvellous realness of a boy's day- +dreams, how colourful they glow, rosy and living, and how opaque +the curtain closing down between the dreamer and the actual +world. That curtain is almost sound-proof, too, and causes more +throat-trouble among parents than is suspected. + +The nervous monotony of the schoolroom inspires a sometimes +unbearable longing for something astonishing to happen, and as +every boy's fundamental desire is to do something astonishing +himself, so as to be the centre of all human interest and awe, it +was natural that Penrod should discover in fancy the delightful +secret of self-levitation. He found, in this curious series of +imaginings, during the lesson in arithmetic, that the atmosphere +may be navigated as by a swimmer under water, but with infinitely +greater ease and with perfect comfort in breathing. In his mind +he extended his arms gracefully, at a level with his shoulders, +and delicately paddled the air with his hands, which at once +caused him to be drawn up out of his seat and elevated gently to +a position about midway between the floor and the ceiling, where +he came to an equilibrium and floated; a sensation not the less +exquisite because of the screams of his fellow pupils, appalled +by the miracle. Miss Spence herself was amazed and +frightened, but he only smiled down carelessly upon her when +she commanded him to return to earth; and then, when she climbed +upon a desk to pull him down, he quietly paddled himself a little +higher, leaving his toes just out of her reach. Next, he swam +through a few slow somersaults to show his mastery of the new +art, and, with the shouting of the dumfounded scholars ringing in +his ears, turned on his side and floated swiftly out of the +window, immediately rising above the housetops, while people in +the street below him shrieked, and a trolley car stopped dead in +wonder. + +With almost no exertion he paddled himself, many yards at a +stroke, to the girls' private school where Marjorie Jones was a +pupil--Marjorie Jones of the amber curls and the golden voice! +Long before the "Pageant of the Table Round," she had offered +Penrod a hundred proofs that she considered him wholly +undesirable and ineligible. At the Friday Afternoon Dancing +Class she consistently incited and led the laughter at him +whenever Professor Bartet singled him out for admonition in +matters of feet and decorum. And but yesterday she had chid him +for his slavish lack of memory in daring to offer her a greeting +on the way to Sunday-school. "Well! I expect you must forgot I +told you never to speak to me again! If I was a boy, I'd be too +proud to come hanging around people that don't speak to me, even +if I WAS the Worst Boy in Town!" So she flouted him. +But now, as he floated in through the window of her classroom and +swam gently along the ceiling like an escaped toy balloon, she +fell upon her knees beside her little desk, and, lifting up her +arms toward him, cried with love and admiration: + +"Oh, PENrod!" + +He negligently kicked a globe from the high chandelier, and, +smiling coldly, floated out through the hall to the front steps +of the school, while Marjorie followed, imploring him to grant +her one kind look. + +In the street an enormous crowd had gathered, headed by Miss +Spence and a brass band; and a cheer from a hundred thousand +throats shook the very ground as Penrod swam overhead. Marjorie +knelt upon the steps and watched adoringly while Penrod took the +drum-major's baton and, performing sinuous evolutions above the +crowd, led the band. Then he threw the baton so high that it +disappeared from sight; but he went swiftly after it, a double +delight, for he had not only the delicious sensation of rocketing +safely up and up into the blue sky, but also that of standing in +the crowd below, watching and admiring himself as he dwindled to +a speck, disappeared and then, emerging from a cloud, came +speeding down, with the baton in his hand, to the level of the +treetops, where he beat time for the band and the vast throng and +Marjorie Jones, who all united in the "Star-spangled Banner" in +honour of his aerial achievements. It was a great moment. + +It was a great moment, but something seemed to threaten it. +The face of Miss Spence looking up from the crowd grew too +vivid--unpleasantly vivid. She was beckoning him and shouting, +"Come down, Penrod Schofield! Penrod Schofield, come down here!" + +He could hear her above the band and the singing of the +multitude; she seemed intent on spoiling everything. Marjorie +Jones was weeping to show how sorry she was that she had formerly +slighted him, and throwing kisses to prove that she loved him; +but Miss Spence kept jumping between him and Marjorie, +incessantly calling his name. + +He grew more and more irritated with her; he was the most +important person in the world and was engaged in proving it to +Marjorie Jones and the whole city, and yet Miss Spence seemed to +feel she still had the right to order him about as she did in the +old days when he was an ordinary schoolboy. He was furious; he +was sure she wanted him to do something disagreeable. It seemed +to him that she had screamed "Penrod Schofield!" thousands of +times. + +From the beginning of his aerial experiments in his own +schoolroom, he had not opened his lips, knowing somehow that one +of the requirements for air floating is perfect silence on the +part of the floater; but, finally, irritated beyond measure by +Miss Spence's clamorous insistence, he was unable to restrain an +indignant rebuke and immediately came to earth with a frightful +bump. + +Miss Spence--in the flesh--had directed toward the physical +body of the absent Penrod an inquiry as to the fractional +consequences of dividing seventeen apples, fairly, among three +boys, and she was surprised and displeased to receive no answer +although to the best of her knowledge and belief, he was looking +fixedly at her. She repeated her question crisply, without +visible effect; then summoned him by name with increasing +asperity. Twice she called him, while all his fellow pupils +turned to stare at the gazing boy. She advanced a step from the +platform. + +"Penrod Schofield!" + +"Oh, my goodness!" he shouted suddenly. "Can't you keep +still a MINUTE?" + + + +CHAPTER X +UNCLE JOHN + +Miss Spence gasped. So did the pupils. + +The whole room filled with a swelling conglomerate "O-O-O- +O-H!" + +As for Penrod himself, the walls reeled with the shock. He +sat with his mouth open, a mere lump of stupefaction. For the +appalling words that he had hurled at the teacher were as +inexplicable to him as to any other who heard them. + +Nothing is more treacherous than the human mind; nothing else +so loves to play the Iscariot. Even when patiently bullied into +a semblance of order and training, it may prove but a base and +shifty servant. And Penrod's mind was not his servant; +it was a master, with the April wind's whims; and it had just +played him a diabolical trick. The very jolt with which he came +back to the schoolroom in the midst of his fancied flight jarred +his day-dream utterly out of him; and he sat, open-mouthed in +horror at what he had said. + +The unanimous gasp of awe was protracted. Miss Spence, +however, finally recovered her breath, and, returning +deliberately to the platform, faced the school. "And then for a +little while," as pathetic stories sometimes recount, "everything +was very still." It was so still, in fact, that Penrod's newborn +notoriety could almost be heard growing. This grisly silence was +at last broken by the teacher. + +"Penrod Schofield, stand up!" + +The miserable child obeyed. + +"What did you mean by speaking to me in that way?" + +He hung his head, raked the floor with the side of his shoe, +swayed, swallowed, looked suddenly at his hands with the air of +never having seen them before, then clasped them behind him. The +school shivered in ecstatic horror, every fascinated eye upon +him; yet there was not a soul in the room but was profoundly +grateful to him for the sensation--including the offended teacher +herself. Unhappily, all this gratitude was unconscious and +altogether different from the kind which, results in +testimonials and loving-cups. On the contrary! + +"Penrod Schofield!" + +He gulped. + +"Answer me at once! Why did you speak to me like that?" + +"I was----" He choked, unable to continue. + +"Speak out!" + +"I was just--thinking," he managed to stammer. + +"That will not do," she returned sharply. "I wish to know +immediately why you spoke as you did." + +The stricken Penrod answered helplessly: + +"Because I was just thinking." + +Upon the very rack he could have offered no ampler truthful +explanation. It was all he knew about it. + +"Thinking what?" + +"Just thinking." + +Miss Spence's expression gave evidence that her power of +self-restraint was undergoing a remarkable test. However, after +taking counsel with herself, she commanded: + +"Come here!" + +He shuffled forward, and she placed a chair upon the platform +near her own. + +"Sit there!" + +Then (but not at all as if nothing had happened), she +continued the lesson in arithmetic. Spiritually the children may +have learned a lesson in very small fractions indeed as they +gazed at the fragment of sin before them on the stool of +penitence. They all stared at him attentively with hard and +passionately interested eyes, in which there was never one trace +of pity. It cannot be said with precision that he writhed; his +movement was more a slow, continuous squirm, effected with a +ghastly assumption of languid indifference; while his gaze, in +the effort to escape the marble-hearted glare of his schoolmates, +affixed itself with apparent permanence to the waistcoat button +of James Russell Lowell just above the "U" in "Russell." + +Classes came and classes went, grilling him with eyes. +Newcomers received the story of the crime in darkling whispers; +and the outcast sat and sat and sat, and squirmed and squirmed +and squirmed. (He did one or two things with his spine which a +professional contortionist would have observed with real +interest.) And all this while of freezing suspense was but the +criminal's detention awaiting trial. A known punishment may be +anticipated with some measure of equanimity; at least, the +prisoner may prepare himself to undergo it; but the unknown looms +more monstrous for every attempt to guess it. Penrod's crime was +unique; there were no rules to aid him in estimating the +vengeance to fall upon him for it. What seemed most probable was +that he would be expelled from the schools in the presence of his +family, the mayor, and council, and afterward whipped by his +father upon the State House steps, with the entire city as +audience by invitation of the authorities. + +Noon came. The rows of children filed out, every head +turning for a last unpleasingly speculative look at the outlaw. +Then Miss Spence closed the door into the cloakroom and that into +the big hall, and came and sat at her desk, near Penrod. The +tramping of feet outside, the shrill calls and shouting and the +changing voices of the older boys ceased to be heard--and there +was silence. Penrod, still affecting to be occupied with Lowell, +was conscious that Miss Spence looked at him intently. + +"Penrod," she said gravely, "what excuse have you to offer +before I report your case to the principal?" + +The word "principal" struck him to the vitals. Grand +Inquisitor, Grand Khan, Sultan, Emperor, Tsar, Caesar Augustus-- +these are comparable. He stopped squirming instantly, and sat +rigid. + +"I want an answer. Why did you shout those words at me?" + +"Well," he murmured, "I was just--thinking." + +"Thinking what?" she asked sharply. + +"I don't know." + +"That won't do!" + +He took his left ankle in his right hand and regarded it +helplessly. + +"That won't do, Penrod Schofield," she repeated +severely. "If that is all the excuse you have to offer I shall +report your case this instant!" + +And she rose with fatal intent. + +But Penrod was one of those whom the precipice inspires. +"Well, I HAVE got an excuse." + +"Well"--she paused impatiently--"what is it?" + +He had not an idea, but he felt one coming, and replied +automatically, in a plaintive tone: + +"I guess anybody that had been through what I had to go +through, last night, would think they had an excuse." + +Miss Spence resumed her seat, though with the air of being +ready to leap from it instantly. + +"What has last night to do with your insolence to me this +morning?" + +"Well, I guess you'd see," he returned, emphasizing the +plaintive note, "if you knew what I know." + +"Now, Penrod," she said, in a kinder voice, "I have a high +regard for your mother and father, and it would hurt me to +distress them, but you must either tell me what was the matter +with you or I'll have to take you to Mrs. Houston." + +"Well, ain't I going to?" he cried, spurred by the dread +name. "It's because I didn't sleep last night." + +"Were you ill?" The question was put with some dryness. + +He felt the dryness. "No'm; _I_ wasn't." + +"Then if someone in your family was so ill that even you +were kept up all night, how does it happen they let you come to +school this morning?" + +"It wasn't illness," he returned, shaking his head +mournfully. "It was lots worse'n anybody's being sick. It was-- +it was--well, it was jest awful." + +"WHAT was?" He remarked with anxiety the incredulity in +her tone. + +"It was about Aunt Clara," he said. + +"Your Aunt Clara!" she repeated. "Do you mean your mother's +sister who married Mr. Farry of Dayton, Illinois?" + +"Yes--Uncle John," returned Penrod sorrowfully. "The trouble +was about him." + +Miss Spence frowned a frown which he rightly interpreted as +one of continued suspicion. "She and I were in school together," +she said. "I used to know her very well, and I've always heard +her married life was entirely happy. I don't----" + +"Yes, it was," he interrupted, "until last year when Uncle +John took to running with travelling men----" + +"What?" + +"Yes'm." He nodded solemnly. "That was what started it. At +first he was a good, kind husband, but these travelling men would +coax him into a saloon on his way home from work, and they got +him to drinking beer and then ales, wines, liquors, and +cigars----" + +"Penrod!" + +"Ma'am?" + +"I'm not inquiring into your Aunt Clara's private affairs; +I'm asking you if you have anything to say which would +palliate----" + +"That's what I'm tryin' to TELL you about, Miss Spence," +he pleaded,--"if you'd jest only let me. When Aunt Clara and her +little baby daughter got to our house last night----" + +"You say Mrs. Farry is visiting your mother?" + +"Yes'm--not just visiting--you see, she HAD to come. +Well of course, little baby Clara, she was so bruised up and +mauled, where he'd been hittin' her with his cane----" + +"You mean that your uncle had done such a thing as THAT!" +exclaimed Miss Spence, suddenly disarmed by this scandal. + +"Yes'm, and mamma and Margaret had to sit up all night +nursin' little Clara--and AUNT Clara was in such a state +SOMEBODY had to keep talkin' to HER, and there wasn't +anybody but me to do it, so I----" + +"But where was your father?" she cried. + +"Ma'am?" + +"Where was your father while----" + +"Oh--papa?" Penrod paused, reflected; then brightened. +"Why, he was down at the train, waitin' to see if Uncle John +would try to follow 'em and make 'em come home so's he could +persecute 'em some more. I wanted to do that, but they said if +he did come I mightn't be strong enough to hold him and----" +The brave lad paused again, modestly. Miss Spence's expression +was encouraging. Her eyes were wide with astonishment, and there +may have been in them, also, the mingled beginnings of admiration +and self-reproach. Penrod, warming to his work, felt safer every +moment. + +"And so," he continued, "I had to sit up with Aunt Clara. +She had some pretty big bruises, too, and I had to----" + +"But why didn't they send for a doctor?" However, this +question was only a flicker of dying incredulity. + +"Oh, they didn't want any DOCTOR," exclaimed the inspired +realist promptly. "They don't want anybody to HEAR about it +because Uncle John might reform--and then where'd he be if +everybody knew he'd been a drunkard and whipped his wife and baby +daughter?" + +"Oh!" said Miss Spence. + +"You see, he used to be upright as anybody," he went on +explanatively. "It all begun----" + +"Began, Penrod." + +"Yes'm. It all commenced from the first day he let those +travelling men coax him into the saloon." Penrod narrated the +downfall of his Uncle John at length. In detail he was nothing +short of plethoric; and incident followed incident, sketched with +such vividness, such abundance of colour, and such verisimilitude +to a drunkard's life as a drunkard's life should be, that had +Miss Spence possessed the rather chilling attributes of William +J. Burns himself, the last trace of skepticism must have vanished +from her mind. Besides, there are two things that will be +believed of any man whatsoever, and one of them is that he has +taken to drink. And in every sense it was a moving picture +which, with simple but eloquent words, the virtuous Penrod set +before his teacher. + +His eloquence increased with what it fed on; and as with the +eloquence so with self-reproach in the gentle bosom of the +teacher. She cleared her throat with difficulty once or twice, +during his description of his ministering night with Aunt Clara. +"And I said to her, `Why, Aunt Clara, what's the use of takin' on +so about it?' And I said, `Now, Aunt Clara, all the crying in +the world can't make things any better.' And then she'd just +keep catchin' hold of me, and sob and kind of holler, and I'd +say, `DON'T cry, Aunt Clara--PLEASE don't cry."' + +Then, under the influence of some fragmentary survivals of +the respectable portion of his Sunday adventures, his theme +became more exalted; and, only partially misquoting a phrase from +a psalm, he related how he had made it of comfort to Aunt Clara, +and how he had besought her to seek Higher guidance in her +trouble. + +The surprising thing about a structure such as Penrod was +erecting is that the taller it becomes the more ornamentation it +will stand. Gifted boys have this faculty of building +magnificence upon cobwebs--and Penrod was gifted. Under the +spell of his really great performance, Miss Spence gazed more and +more sweetly upon the prodigy of spiritual beauty and goodness +before her, until at last, when Penrod came to the explanation of +his "just thinking," she was forced to turn her head away. + +"You mean, dear," she said gently, "that you were all worn +out and hardly knew what you were saying?" + +"Yes'm." + +"And you were thinking about all those dreadful things so +hard that you forgot where you were?" + +"I was thinking," he said simply, "how to save Uncle John." + +And the end of it for this mighty boy was that the teacher +kissed him! + + + +CHAPTER XI +FIDELITY OF A LITTLE DOG + +The returning students, that afternoon, observed that Penrod's +desk was vacant--and nothing could have been more impressive than +that sinister mere emptiness. The accepted theory was that +Penrod had been arrested. How breathtaking, then, the sensation +when, at the beginning of the second hour, he strolled--in with +inimitable carelessness and, rubbing his eyes, somewhat +noticeably in the manner of one who has snatched an hour of much +needed sleep, took his place as if nothing in particular had +happened. This, at first supposed to be a superhuman exhibition +of sheer audacity, became but the more dumfounding when +Miss Spence--looking up from her desk--greeted him with a +pleasant little nod. Even after school, Penrod gave numerous +maddened investigators no relief. All he would consent to say +was: + +"Oh, I just TALKED to her." + +A mystification not entirely unconnected with the one thus +produced was manifested at his own family. dinner-table the +following evening. Aunt Clara had been out rather late, and came +to the table after the rest were seated. She wore a puzzled +expression. + +"Do you ever see Mary Spence nowadays?" she inquired, as she +unfolded her napkin, addressing Mrs. Schofield. Penrod abruptly +set down his soup-spoon and gazed at his aunt with flattering +attention. + +"Yes; sometimes," said Mrs. Schofield. "She's Penrod's +teacher." + +"Is she?" said Mrs. Farry. "Do you--" She paused. "Do +people think her a little--queer, these days?" + +"Why, no," returned her sister. "What makes you say that?" + +"She has acquired a very odd manner," said Mrs. Farry +decidedly. "At least, she seemed odd to ME. I met her at +the corner just before I got to the house, a few minutes ago, and +after we'd said howdy-do to each other, she kept hold of my hand +and looked as though she was going to cry. She seemed to be +trying to say something, and choking----" + +"But I don't think that's so very queer, Clara. She knew you +in school, didn't she?" + +"Yes, but----" + +"And she hadn't seen you for so many years, I think it's +perfectly natural she----" + +"Wait! She stood there squeezing my hand, and struggling to +get her voice--and I got really embarrassed--and then finally she +said, in a kind of tearful whisper, `Be of good cheer--this trial +will pass!'" + +"How queer!" exclaimed Margaret. + +Penrod sighed, and returned somewhat absently to his soup. + +"Well, I don't know," said Mrs. Schofield thoughtfully. "Of +course she's heard about the outbreak of measles in Dayton, since +they had to close the schools, and she knows you live there----" + +"But doesn't it seem a VERY exaggerated way," suggested +Margaret, "to talk about measles?" + +"Wait!" begged Aunt Clara. "After she said that, she said +something even queerer, and then put her handkerchief to her eyes +and hurried away." + +Penrod laid down his spoon again and moved his chair slightly +back from the table. A spirit of prophecy was upon him: he knew +that someone was going to ask a question which he felt might +better remain unspoken. + +"What WAS the other thing she said?" Mr. Schofield +inquired, thus immediately fulfilling his son's premonition. + +"She said," returned Mrs. Farry slowly, looking about the +table, "she said, `I know that Penrod is a great, great comfort +to you!'" + +There was a general exclamation of surprise. It was a +singular thing, and in no manner may it be considered +complimentary to Penrod, that this speech of Miss Spence's should +have immediately confirmed Mrs. Farry's doubts about her in the +minds of all his family. + +Mr. Schofield shook his head pityingly. + +"I'm afraid she's a goner," he went so far as to say. + +"Of all the weird ideas!" cried Margaret. + +"I never heard anything like it in my life!" Mrs. Schofield +exclaimed. "Was that ALL she said?" + +"Every word!" + +Penrod again resumed attention to his soup. His mother +looked at him curiously, and then, struck by a sudden thought, +gathered the glances of the adults of the table by a significant +movement of the head, and, by another, conveyed an admonition to +drop the subject until later. Miss Spence was Penrod's teacher: +it was better, for many reasons, not to discuss the subject of +her queerness before him. This was Mrs. Schofield's thought at +the time. Later she had another, and it kept her awake. + +The next afternoon, Mr. Schofield, returning at five o'clock +from the cares of the day, found the house deserted, and sat down +to read his evening paper in what appeared to be an uninhabited +apartment known to its own world as the "drawing-room." A +sneeze, unexpected both to him and the owner, informed him of the +presence of another person. + +"Where are you, Penrod?" the parent asked, looking about. + +"Here," said Penrod meekly. + +Stooping, Mr. Schofield discovered his son squatting under +the piano, near an open window--his wistful Duke lying beside +him. + +"What are you doing there?" + +"Me?" + +"Why under the piano?" + +"Well," the boy returned, with grave sweetness, "I was just +kind of sitting here--thinking." + +"All right." Mr. Schofield, rather touched, returned to the +digestion of a murder, his back once more to the piano; and +Penrod silently drew from beneath his jacket (where he had +slipped it simultaneously with the sneeze) a paper-backed volume +entitled: "Slimsy, the Sioux City Squealer, or, `Not Guilty, +Your Honor.'" + +In this manner the reading-club continued in peace, absorbed, +contented, the world well forgot--until a sudden, violently +irritated slam-bang of the front door startled the members; +and Mrs. Schofield burst into the room and threw herself into a +chair, moaning. + +"What's the matter, mamma?" asked her husband laying aside +his paper. + +"Henry Passloe Schofield," returned the lady, "I don't know +what IS to be done with that boy; I do NOT!" + +"You mean Penrod?" + +"Who else could I mean?" She sat up, exasperated, to stare +at him. "Henry Passloe Schofield, you've got to take this matter +in your hands--it's beyond me!" + +"Well, what has he----" + +"Last night I got to thinking," she began rapidly, "about +what Clara told us--thank Heaven she and Margaret and little +Clara have gone to tea at Cousin Charlotte's!--but they'll be +home soon--about what she said about Miss Spence----" + +"You mean about Penrod's being a comfort?" + +"Yes, and I kept thinking and thinking and thinking about it +till I couldn't stand it any----" + +"By GEORGE!" shouted Mr. Schofield startlingly, stooping +to look under the piano. A statement that he had suddenly +remembered his son's presence would be lacking in accuracy, for +the highly sensitized Penrod was, in fact, no longer present. No +more was Duke, his faithful dog. + +"What's the matter?" + +"Nothing," he returned, striding to the open window and +looking out. "Go on." + +"Oh," she moaned, "it must be kept from Clara--and I'll never +hold up my head again if John Farry ever hears of it!" + +"Hears of WHAT?" + +"Well, I just couldn't stand it, I got so curious; and I +thought of course if Miss Spence HAD become a little +unbalanced it was my duty to know it, as Penrod's mother and she +his teacher; so I thought I would just call on her at her +apartment after school and have a chat and see and I did and-- +oh----" + +"Well?" + +"I've just come from there, and she told me--she told me! +Oh, I've NEVER known anything like this!" + +"WHAT did she tell you?" + +Mrs. Schofield, making a great effort, managed to assume a +temporary appearance of calm. "Henry," she said solemnly, "bear +this in mind: whatever you do to Penrod, it must be done in some +place when Clara won't hear it. But the first thing to do is to +find him." + +Within view of the window from which Mr. Schofield was gazing +was the closed door of the storeroom in the stable, and just +outside this door Duke was performing a most engaging trick. + +His young master had taught Duke to "sit up and beg" when +he wanted anything, and if that didn't get it, to "speak." Duke +was facing the closed door and sitting up and begging, and now he +also spoke--in a loud, clear bark. + +There was an open transom over the door, and from this +descended--hurled by an unseen agency--a can half filled with old +paint. + +It caught the small besieger of the door on his thoroughly +surprised right ear, encouraged him to some remarkable +acrobatics, and turned large portions of him a dull blue. +Allowing only a moment to perplexity, and deciding, after a +single and evidently unappetizing experiment, not to cleanse +himself of paint, the loyal animal resumed his quaint, upright +posture. + +Mr. Schofield seated himself on the window-sill, whence he +could keep in view that pathetic picture of unrequited love. + +"Go on with your story, mamma," he said. "I think I can find +Penrod when we want him." + +And a few minutes later he added, "And I think I know the +place to do it in." + +Again the faithful voice of Duke was heard, pleading outside +the bolted door. + + + +CHAPTER XII +MISS RENNSDALE ACCEPTS + +"One-two-three; one-two-three--glide!" said Professor Bartet, +emphasizing his instructions by a brisk collision of his palms at +"glide." "One-two-three; one-two-three--glide!" + +The school week was over, at last, but Penrod's troubles were +not. + +Round and round the ballroom went the seventeen struggling +little couples of the Friday Afternoon Dancing Class. Round and +round went their reflections with them, swimming rhythmically in +the polished, dark floor--white and blue and pink for the girls; +black, with dabs of white, for the white-collared, white- +gloved boys; and sparks and slivers of high light everywhere as +the glistening pumps flickered along the surface like a school of +flying fish. Every small pink face--with one exception--was +painstaking and set for duty. It was a conscientious little +merry-go-round. + +"One-two-three; one-two-three--glide! One-two-three; one- +two-three--glide! One-two-th--Ha! Mister Penrod Schofield, you +lose the step. Your left foot! No, no! This is the left! +See--like me! Now again! One-two-three; one-two-three--glide! +Better! Much better! Again! One-two-three; one-two-three--gl-- +Stop! Mr. Penrod Schofield, this dancing class is provided by +the kind parents of the pupilses as much to learn the mannerss of +good societies as to dance. You think you shall ever see a +gentleman in good societies to tickle his partner in the dance +till she say Ouch? Never! I assure you it is not done. Again! +Now then! Piano, please! One-two-three; one-two-three--glide! +Mr. Penrod Schofield, your right foot--your right foot! No, no! +Stop!" + +The merry-go-round came to a standstill. + +"Mr. Penrod Schofield and partner"--Professor Bartet wiped +his brow--"will you kindly observe me? One-two-three--glide! +So! Now then--no; you will please keep your places, ladies and +gentlemen. Mr. Penrod Schofield, I would puttickly like your +attention, this is for you!" + +"Pickin' on me again!" murmured the smouldering Penrod to his +small, unsympathetic partner. "Can't let me alone a minute!" + +"Mister Georgie Bassett, please step to the centre," said the +professor. + +Mr. Bassett complied with modest alacrity. + +"Teacher's pet!" whispered Penrod hoarsely. He had nothing +but contempt for Georgie Bassett. The parents, guardians, aunts, +uncles, cousins, governesses, housemaids, cooks, chauffeurs and +coachmen, appertaining to the members of the dancing class, all +dwelt in the same part of town and shared certain communal +theories; and among the most firmly established was that which +maintained Georgie Bassett to be the Best Boy in Town. +Contrariwise, the unfortunate Penrod, largely because of his +recent dazzling but disastrous attempts to control forces far +beyond him, had been given a clear title as the Worst Boy in +Town. (Population, 135,000.) To precisely what degree his +reputation was the product of his own energies cannot be +calculated. It was Marjorie Jones who first applied the +description, in its definite simplicity, the day after the +"pageant," and, possibly, her frequent and effusive repetitions +of it, even upon wholly irrelevant occasions, had something to do +with its prompt and quite perfect acceptance by the community. + +"Miss Rennsdale will please do me the fafer to be Mr. Georgie +Bassett's partner for one moment," said Professor Bartet. +"Mr. Penrod Schofield will please give his attention. Miss +Rennsdale and Mister Bassett, obliche me, if you please. Others +please watch. Piano, please! Now then!" + +Miss Rennsdale, aged eight--the youngest lady in the class-- +and Mr. Georgie Bassett one-two-three--glided with consummate +technique for the better education of Penrod Schofield. It is +possible that amber-curled, beautiful Marjorie felt that she, +rather than Miss Rennsdale, might have been selected as the +example of perfection--or perhaps her remark was only woman. + +"Stopping everybody for that boy!" said Marjorie. + +Penrod, across the circle from her, heard distinctly--nay, he +was obviously intended to hear; but over a scorched heart he +preserved a stoic front. Whereupon Marjorie whispered derisively +in the ear of her partner, Maurice Levy, who wore a pearl pin in +his tie. + +"Again, please, everybody--ladies and gentlemen!" cried +Professor Bartet. "Mister Penrod Schofield, if you please, pay +puttickly attention! Piano, please! Now then!" + +The lesson proceeded. At the close of the hour Professor +Bartet stepped to the centre of the room and clapped his hands +for attention. + +"Ladies and gentlemen, if you please to seat yourselves +quietly," he said; "I speak to you now about to-morrow. As +you all know--Mister Penrod Schofield, I am not sticking up in a +tree outside that window! If you do me the fafer to examine I am +here, insides of the room. Now then! Piano, pl--no, I do not +wish the piano! As you all know, this is the last lesson of the +season until next October. Tomorrow is our special afternoon; +beginning three o'clock, we dance the cotillon. But this +afternoon comes the test of mannerss. You must see if each know +how to make a little formal call like a grown-up people in good +societies. You have had good, perfect instruction; let us see if +we know how to perform like societies ladies and gentlemen +twenty-six years of age. + +"Now, when you're dismissed each lady will go to her home and +prepare to receive a call. The gentlemen will allow the ladies +time to reach their houses and to prepare to receive callers; +then each gentleman will call upon a lady and beg the pleasure to +engage her for a partner in the cotillon to-morrow. You all know +the correct, proper form for these calls, because didn't I work +teaching you last lesson till I thought I would drop dead? Yes! +Now each gentleman, if he reach a lady's house behind some-other +gentleman, then he must go somewhere else to a lady's house, and +keep calling until he secures a partner; so, as there are the +same number of both, everybody shall have a partner. + +"Now please all remember that if in case--Mister Penrod +Schofield, when you make your call on a lady I beg you to please +remember that gentlemen in good societies do not scratch the back +in societies as you appear to attempt; so please allow the hands +to rest carelessly in the lap. Now please all remember that if +in case--Mister Penrod Schofield, if you please! Gentlemen in +societies do not scratch the back by causing frictions between it +and the back of your chair, either! Nobody else is itching here! +_I_ do not itch! I cannot talk if you must itch! In the name +of Heaven, why must you always itch? What was I saying? Where +ah! the cotillon--yes! For the cotillon it is important nobody +shall fail to be here tomorrow; but if any one should be so very +ill he cannot possible come he must write a very polite note of +regrets in the form of good societies to his engaged partner to +excuse himself--and he must give the reason. + +"I do not think anybody is going to be that sick to-morrow-- +no; and I will find out and report to parents if anybody would +try it and not be. But it is important for the cotillon that we +have an even number of so many couples, and if it should happen +that someone comes and her partner has sent her a polite note +that he has genuine reasons why he cannot come, the note must be +handed at once to me, so that I arrange some other partner. Is +all understood? Yes. The gentlemen will remember now to allow +the ladies plenty of time to reach their houses and prepare +to receive calls. Ladies and gentlemen, I thank you for your +polite attention." + +It was nine blocks to the house of Marjorie Jones; but Penrod +did it in less than seven minutes from a flying start--such was +his haste to lay himself and his hand for the cotillon at the +feet of one who had so recently spoken unamiably of him in +public. He had not yet learned that the only safe male rebuke to +a scornful female is to stay away from her--especially if that is +what she desires. However, he did not wish to rebuke her; simply +and ardently he wished to dance the cotillon with her. +Resentment was swallowed up in hope. + +The fact that Miss Jones' feeling for him bore a striking +resemblance to that of Simon Legree for Uncle Tom, deterred him +not at all. Naturally, he was not wholly unconscious that when +he should lay his hand for the cotillon at her feet it would be +her inward desire to step on it; but he believed that if he were +first in the field Marjorie would have to accept. These things +are governed by law. + +It was his fond intention to reach her house even in advance +of herself, and with grave misgiving he beheld a large automobile +at rest before the sainted gate. Forthwith, a sinking feeling +became a portent inside him as little Maurice Levy emerged from +the front door of the house. + +"'Lo, Penrod!" said Maurice airily. + +"What you doin' in there?" inquired Penrod. + +"In where?" + +"In Marjorie's." + +"Well, what shouldn't I be doin' in Marjorie's?" Mr. Levy +returned indignantly. "I was inviting her for my partner in the +cotillon--what you s'pose?" + +"You haven't got any right to!" Penrod protested hotly. "You +can't do it yet." + +"I did do it yet!" said Maurice. + +"You can't!" insisted Penrod. "You got to allow them time +first. He said the ladies had to be allowed time to prepare." + +"Well, ain't she had time to prepare?" + +"When?" Penrod demanded, stepping close to his rival +threateningly. "I'd like to know when----" + +"When?" echoed the other with shrill triumph. "When? Why, +in mamma's sixty-horse powder limousine automobile, what Marjorie +came home with me in! I guess that's when!" + +An impulse in the direction of violence became visible upon +the countenance of Penrod. + +"I expect you need some wiping down," he began dangerously. +"I'll give you sumpthing to remem----" + +"Oh, you will!" Maurice cried with astonishing truculence, +contorting himself into what he may have considered a posture of +defense. "Let's see you try it, you--you itcher!" + +For the moment, defiance from such a source was +dumfounding. Then, luckily, Penrod recollected something and +glanced at the automobile. + +Perceiving therein not only the alert chauffeur but the +magnificent outlines of Mrs. Levy, his enemy's mother, he +manoeuvred his lifted hand so that it seemed he had but meant to +scratch his ear. + +"Well, I guess I better be goin'," he said casually. "See +you tomorrow!" + +Maurice mounted to the lap of luxury, and Penrod strolled +away with an assumption of careless ease which was put to a +severe strain when, from the rear window of the car, a sudden +protuberance in the nature of a small, dark, curly head shrieked +scornfully: + +"Go on--you big stiff!" + +The cotillon loomed dismally before Penrod now; but it was +his duty to secure a partner and he set about it with a dreary +heart. The delay occasioned by his fruitless attempt on Marjorie +and the altercation with his enemy at her gate had allowed other +ladies ample time to prepare for callers--and to receive them. +Sadly he went from house to house, finding that he had been +preceded in one after the other. Altogether his hand for the +cotillon was declined eleven times that afternoon on the +legitimate ground of previous engagement. This, with Marjorie, +scored off all except five of the seventeen possible partners; +and four of the five were also sealed away from him, as he +learned in chance encounters with other boys upon the street. + +One lady alone remained; he bowed to the inevitable and +entered this lorn damsel's gate at twilight with an air of great +discouragement. The lorn damsel was Miss Rennsdale, aged eight. + +We are apt to forget that there are actually times of life +when too much youth is a handicap. Miss Rennsdale was beautiful; +she danced like a premiere; she had every charm but age. On that +account alone had she been allowed so much time to prepare to +receive callers that it was only by the most manful efforts she +could keep her lip from trembling. + +A decorous maid conducted the long-belated applicant to her +where she sat upon a sofa beside a nursery governess. The +decorous maid announced him composedly as he made his entrance. + +"Mr. Penrod Schofield!" + +Miss Rennsdale suddenly burst into loud sobs. + +"Oh!" she wailed. "I just knew it would be him!" + +The decorous maid's composure vanished at once--likewise her +decorum. She clapped her hand over her mouth and fled, uttering +sounds. The governess, however, set herself to comfort her +heartbroken charge, and presently succeeded in restoring Miss +Rennsdale to a semblance of that poise with which a lady receives +callers and accepts invitations to dance cotillons. But she +continued to sob at intervals. + +Feeling himself at perhaps a disadvantage, Penrod made offer +of his hand for the morrow with a little embarrassment. +Following the form prescribed by Professor Bartet, he +advanced several paces toward the stricken lady and bowed +formally. + +"I hope," he said by rote, "you're well, and your parents +also in good health. May I have the pleasure of dancing the +cotillon as your partner t'-morrow afternoon?" + +The wet eyes of Miss Rennsdale searched his countenance +without pleasure, and a shudder wrung her small shoulders; but +the governess whispered to her instructively, and she made a +great effort. + +"I thu-thank you fu-for your polite invu-invu-invutation; and +I ac----" Thus far she progressed when emotion overcame her +again. She beat frantically upon the sofa with fists and heels. +"Oh, I DID want it to be Georgie Bassett!" + +"No, no, no!" said the governess, and whispered urgently, +whereupon Miss Rennsdale was able to complete her acceptance. + +"And I ac-accept wu-with pu-pleasure!" she moaned, and +immediately, uttering a loud yell, flung herself face downward +upon the sofa, clutching her governess convulsively. + +Somewhat disconcerted, Penrod bowed again. + +"I thank you for your polite acceptance," he murmured +hurriedly; "and I trust--I trust--I forget. Oh, yes--I trust we +shall have a most enjoyable occasion. Pray present my +compliments to your parents; and I must now wish you a very good +afternoon." + +Concluding these courtly demonstrations with another bow he +withdrew in fair order, though thrown into partial confusion in +the hall by a final wail from his crushed hostess: + +"Oh! Why couldn't it be anybody but HIM!" + + + +CHAPTER XIII +THE SMALLPOX MEDICINE + +Next morning Penrod woke in profound depression of spirit, the +cotillon ominous before him. He pictured Marjorie Jones and +Maurice, graceful and light-hearted, flitting by him fairylike, +loosing silvery laughter upon him as he engaged in the struggle +to keep step with a partner about four years and two feet his +junior. It was hard enough for Penrod to keep step with a girl +of his size. + +The foreboding vision remained with him, increasing in +vividness, throughout the forenoon. He found himself unable to +fix his mind upon anything else, and, having bent his gloomy +footsteps toward the sawdust-box, after breakfast, +presently descended therefrom, abandoning Harold Ramorez where he +had left him the preceding Saturday. Then, as he sat communing +silently with wistful Duke, in the storeroom, coquettish fortune +looked his way. + +It was the habit of Penrod's mother not to throw away +anything whatsoever until years of storage conclusively proved +there would never be a use for it; but a recent house-cleaning +had ejected upon the back porch a great quantity of bottles and +other paraphernalia of medicine, left over from illnesses in the +family during a period of several years. This debris Della, the +cook, had collected in a large market basket, adding to it some +bottles of flavouring extracts that had proved unpopular in the +household; also, old catsup bottles; a jar or two of preserves +gone bad; various rejected dental liquids--and other things. And +she carried the basket out to the storeroom in the stable. + +Penrod was at first unaware of what lay before him. Chin on +palms, he sat upon the iron rim of a former aquarium and stared +morbidly through the open door at the checkered departing back of +Della. It was another who saw treasure in the basket she had +left. + +Mr. Samuel Williams, aged eleven, and congenial to Penrod in +years, sex, and disposition, appeared in the doorway, shaking +into foam a black liquid within a pint bottle, stoppered by a +thumb. + +"Yay, Penrod!" the visitor gave greeting. + +"Yay," said Penrod with slight enthusiasm. "What you got?" + +"Lickrish water." + +"Drinkin's!" demanded Penrod promptly. This is equivalent to +the cry of "Biters" when an apple is shown, and establishes +unquestionable title. + +"Down to there!" stipulated Sam, removing his thumb to affix +it firmly as a mark upon the side of the bottle a check upon +gormandizing that remained carefully in place while Penrod drank. + +This rite concluded, the visitor's eye fell upon the basket +deposited by Della. He emitted tokens of pleasure. + +"Looky! Looky! Looky there! That ain't any good pile o' +stuff--oh, no!" + +"What for?" + +"Drug store!" shouted Sam. "We'll be partners----" + +"Or else," Penrod suggested, "I'll run the drug store and you +be a customer----" + +"No! Partners!" insisted Sam with such conviction that his +host yielded; and within ten minutes the drug store was doing a +heavy business with imaginary patrons. Improvising counters with +boards and boxes, and setting forth a very druggish-looking stock +from the basket, each of the partners found occupation to his +taste--Penrod as salesman and Sam as prescription clerk. + +"Here you are, madam!" said Penrod briskly, offering a +vial of Sam's mixing to an invisible matron. "This will cure +your husband in a few minutes. Here's the camphor, mister. Call +again! Fifty cents' worth of pills? Yes, madam. There you are! +Hurry up with that dose for the nigger lady, Bill!" + +"I'll 'tend to it soon's I get time, Jim," replied the +prescription clerk. "I'm busy fixin' the smallpox medicine for +the sick policeman downtown." + +Penrod stopped sales to watch this operation. Sam had found +an empty pint bottle and, with the pursed lips and measuring eye +of a great chemist, was engaged in filling it from other bottles. + +First, he poured into it some of the syrup from the condemned +preserves; and a quantity of extinct hair oil; next the remaining +contents of a dozen small vials cryptically labelled with +physicians' prescriptions; then some remnants of catsup and +essence of beef and what was left in several bottles of +mouthwash; after that a quantity of rejected flavouring extract-- +topping off by shaking into the mouth of the bottle various +powders from small pink papers, relics of Mr. Schofield's +influenza of the preceding winter. + +Sam examined the combination with concern, appearing +unsatisfied. "We got to make that smallpox medicine good and +strong!" he remarked; and, his artistic sense growing more +powerful than his appetite, he poured about a quarter of the +licorice water into the smallpox medicine. + +"What you doin'?" protested Penrod. "What you +want to waste that lickrish water for? We ought to keep it to +drink when we're tired." + +"I guess I got a right to use my own lickrish water any way I +want to," replied the prescription clerk. "I tell you, you can't +get smallpox medicine too strong. Look at her now!" He held the +bottle up admiringly. "She's as black as lickrish. I bet you +she's strong all right!" + +"I wonder how she tastes?" said Penrod thoughtfully. + +"Don't smell so awful much," observed Sam, sniffing the +bottle--"a good deal, though!" + +"I wonder if it'd make us sick to drink it?" said Penrod. + +Sam looked at the bottle thoughtfully; then his eye, +wandering, fell upon Duke, placidly curled up near the door, and +lighted with the advent of an idea new to him, but old, old in +the world--older than Egypt! + +"Let's give Duke some!" he cried. + +That was the spark. They acted immediately; and a minute +later Duke, released from custody with a competent potion of the +smallpox medicine inside him, settled conclusively their doubts +concerning its effect. The patient animal, accustomed to expect +the worst at all times, walked out of the door, shaking his head +with an air of considerable annoyance, opening and closing his +mouth with singular energy--and so repeatedly that they began to +count the number of times he did it. Sam thought it was +thirty-nine times, but Penrod had counted forty-one before other +and more striking symptoms appeared. + +All things come from Mother Earth and must return--Duke +restored much at this time. Afterward, he ate heartily of grass; +and then, over his shoulder, he bent upon his master one +inscrutable look and departed feebly to the front yard. + +The two boys had watched the process with warm interest. "I +told you she was strong!" said Mr. Williams proudly. + +"Yes, sir--she is!" Penrod was generous enough to admit. "I +expect she's strong enough----" He paused in thought, and added: + +"We haven't got a horse any more." + +"I bet you she'd fix him if you had!" said Sam. And it may +be that this was no idle boast. + +The pharmaceutical game was not resumed; the experiment upon +Duke had made the drug store commonplace and stimulated the +appetite for stronger meat. Lounging in the doorway, the near- +vivisectionists sipped licorice water alternately and conversed. + +"I bet some of our smallpox medicine would fix ole P'fessor +Bartet all right!" quoth Penrod. "I wish he'd come along and ask +us for some." + +"We could tell him it was lickrish water," added Sam, liking +the idea. "The two bottles look almost the same." + +"Then we wouldn't have to go to his ole cotillon this +afternoon," Penrod sighed. "There wouldn't be any!" + +"Who's your partner, Pen?" + +"Who's yours?" + +"Who's yours? I just ast you." + +"Oh, she's all right!" And Penrod smiled boastfully. + +"I bet you wanted to dance with Marjorie!" said his friend. + +"Me? I wouldn't dance with that girl if she begged me to! I +wouldn't dance with her to save her from drowning! I wouldn't +da----" + +"Oh, no--you wouldn't!" interrupted Mr. Williams skeptically. + +Penrod changed his tone and became persuasive. + +"Looky here, Sam," he said confidentially. "I've got 'a +mighty nice partner, but my mother don't like her mother; and so +I've been thinking I better not dance with her. I'll tell you +what I'll do; I've got a mighty good sling in the house, and I'll +give it to you if you'll change partners." + +"You want to change and you don't even know who mine is!" +said Sam, and he made the simple though precocious deduction: +"Yours must be a lala! Well, I invited Mabel Rorebeck, and she +wouldn't let me change if I wanted to. Mabel Rorebeck'd rather +dance with me," he continued serenely, "than anybody; and she +said she was awful afraid you'd ast her. But I ain't goin' +to dance with Mabel after all, because this morning she sent me a +note about her uncle died last night--and P'fessor Bartet'll have +to find me a partner after I get there. Anyway I bet you haven't +got any sling--and I bet your partner's Baby Rennsdale!" + +"What if she is?" said Penrod. "She's good enough for +ME!" This speech held not so much modesty in solution as +intended praise of the lady. Taken literally, however, it was an +understatement of the facts and wholly insincere. + +"Yay!" jeered Mr. Williams, upon whom his friend's hypocrisy +was quite wasted. "How can your mother not like her mother? +Baby Rennsdale hasn't got any mother! You and her'll be a +sight!" + +That was Penrod's own conviction; and with this corroboration +of it he grew so spiritless that he could offer no retort. He +slid to a despondent sitting posture upon the door sill and gazed +wretchedly upon the ground, while his companion went to replenish +the licorice water at the hydrant--enfeebling the potency of the +liquor no doubt, but making up for that in quantity. + +"Your mother goin' with you to the cotillon?" asked Sam when +he returned. + +"No. She's goin' to meet me there. She's goin' somewhere +first." + +"So's mine," said Sam. "I'll come by for you." + +"All right." + +"I better go before long. Noon whistles been blowin'." + +"All right," Penrod repeated dully. + +Sam turned to go, but paused. A new straw hat was +peregrinating along the fence near the two boys. This hat +belonged to someone passing upon the sidewalk of the cross- +street; and the someone was Maurice Levy. Even as they stared, +he halted and regarded them over the fence with two small, dark +eyes. + +Fate had brought about this moment and this confrontation. + + + +CHAPTER XIV +MAURICE LEVY'S CONSTITUTION + +"Lo, Sam!" said Maurice cautiously. "What you doin'?" + +Penrod at that instant had a singular experience--an +intellectual shock like a flash of fire in the brain. Sitting in +darkness, a great light flooded him with wild brilliance. He +gasped! + +"What you doin'?" repeated Mr. Levy. + +Penrod sprang to his feet, seized the licorice bottle, shook +it with stoppering thumb, and took a long drink with histrionic +unction. + +"What you doin'?" asked Maurice for the third time, Sam +Williams not having decided upon a reply. + +It was Penrod who answered. + +"Drinkin' lickrish water," he said simply, and wiped his +mouth with such delicious enjoyment that Sam's jaded thirst was +instantly stimulated. He took the bottle eagerly from Penrod. + +"A-a-h!" exclaimed Penrod, smacking his lips. "That was a +good un!" + +The eyes above the fence glistened. + +"Ask him if he don't want some," Penrod whispered urgently. +"Quit drinkin' it! It's no good any more. Ask him!" + +"What for?" demanded the practical Sam. + +"Go on and ask him!" whispered Penrod fiercely. + +"Say, M'rice!" Sam called, waving the bottle. "Want some?" + +"Bring it here!" Mr. Levy requested. + +"Come on over and get some," returned Sam, being prompted. + +"I can't. Penrod Schofield's after me." + +"No, I'm not," said Penrod reassuringly. "I won't touch you, +M'rice. I made up with you yesterday afternoon--don't you +remember? You're all right with me, M'rice." + +Maurice looked undecided. But Penrod had the delectable +bottle again, and tilting it above his lips, affected to let the +cool liquid purl enrichingly into him, while with his right hand +he stroked his middle facade ineffably. Maurice's mouth watered. + +"Here!" cried Sam, stirred again by the superb manifestations +of his friend. "Gimme that!" + +Penrod brought the bottle down, surprisingly full after so +much gusto, but withheld it from Sam; and the two scuffled for +its possession. Nothing in the world could have so worked upon +the desire of the yearning observer beyond the fence. + +"Honest, Penrod--you ain't goin' to touch me if I come in +your yard?" he called. "Honest?" + +"Cross my heart!" answered Penrod, holding the bottle away +from Sam. "And we'll let you drink all you want." + +Maurice hastily climbed the fence, and while he was thus +occupied Mr. Samuel Williams received a great enlightenment. +With startling rapidity Penrod, standing just outside the +storeroom door, extended his arm within the room, deposited the +licorice water upon the counter of the drug store, seized in its +stead the bottle of smallpox medicine, and extended it cordially +toward the advancing Maurice. + +Genius is like that--great, simple, broad strokes! + +Dazzled, Mr. Samuel Williams leaned against the wall. He had +the sensations of one who comes suddenly into the presence of a +chef-d'oeuvre. Perhaps his first coherent thought was that +almost universal one on such huge occasions: "Why couldn't _I_ +have done that!" + +Sam might have been even more dazzled had he guessed +that he figured not altogether as a spectator in the sweeping and +magnificent conception of the new Talleyrand. Sam had no partner +for the cotillon. If Maurice was to be absent from that +festivity--as it began to seem he might be--Penrod needed a male +friend to take care of Miss Rennsdale and he believed he saw his +way to compel Mr. Williams to be that male friend. For this he +relied largely upon the prospective conduct of Miss Rennsdale +when he should get the matter before her--he was inclined to +believe she would favour the exchange. As for Talleyrand Penrod +himself, he was going to dance that cotillon with Marjorie Jones! + +"You can have all you can drink at one pull, M'rice," said +Penrod kindly. + +"You said I could have all I want!" protested Maurice, +reaching for the bottle. + +"No, I didn't," returned Penrod quickly, holding it away from +the eager hand. + +"He did, too! Didn't he, Sam?" + +Sam could not reply; his eyes, fixed upon the bottle, +protruded strangely. + +"You heard him--didn't you, Sam?" + +"Well, if I did say it I didn't mean it!" said Penrod +hastily, quoting from one of the authorities. "Looky here, +M'rice," he continued, assuming a more placative and reasoning +tone, "that wouldn't be fair to us. I guess we want some of our +own lickrish water, don't we? The bottle ain't much over two- +thirds full anyway. What I meant was, you can have all you +can drink at one pull." + +"How do you mean?" + +"Why, this way: you can gulp all you want, so long as you +keep swallering; but you can't take the bottle out of your mouth +and commence again. Soon's you quit swallering it's Sam's turn." + +"No; you can have next, Penrod," said Sam. + +"Well, anyway, I mean M'rice has to give the bottle up the +minute he stops swallering." + +Craft appeared upon the face of Maurice, like a poster pasted +on a wall. + +"I can drink so long I don't stop swallering?" + +"Yes; that's it." + +"All right!" he cried. "Gimme the bottle!" + +And Penrod placed it in his hand. + +"You promise to let me drink until I quit swallering?" +Maurice insisted. + +"Yes!" said both boys together. + +With that, Maurice placed the bottle to his lips and began to +drink. Penrod and Sam leaned forward in breathless excitement. +They had feared Maurice might smell the contents of the bottle; +but that danger was past--this was the crucial moment. Their +fondest hope was that he would make his first swallow a voracious +one--it was impossible to imagine a second. They expected one +big, gulping swallow and then an explosion, with fountain +effects. + +Little they knew the mettle of their man! Maurice +swallowed once; he swallowed twice--and thrice--and he continued +to swallow! No Adam's apple was sculptured on that juvenile +throat, but the internal progress of the liquid was not a whit +the less visible. His eyes gleamed with cunning and malicious +triumph, sidewise, at the stunned conspirators; he was fulfilling +the conditions of the draught, not once breaking the thread of +that marvelous swallering. + +His audience stood petrified. Already Maurice had swallowed +more than they had given Duke and still the liquor receded in the +uplifted bottle! And now the clear glass gleamed above the dark +contents full half the vessel's length--and Maurice went on +drinking! Slowly the clear glass increased in its dimensions-- +slowly the dark diminished. + +Sam Williams made a horrified movement to check him--but +Maurice protested passionately with his disengaged arm, and made +vehement vocal noises remindful of the contract; whereupon Sam +desisted and watched the continuing performance in a state of +grisly fascination. + +Maurice drank it all! He drained the last drop and threw the +bottle in the air, uttering loud ejaculations of triumph and +satisfaction. + +"Hah!" he cried, blowing out his cheeks, inflating his chest, +squaring his shoulders, patting his stomach, and wiping his mouth +contentedly. "Hah! Aha! Waha! Wafwah! But that was good!" + +The two boys stood looking at him in stupor. + +"Well, I gotta say this," said Maurice graciously: "You +stuck to your bargain all right and treated me fair." + +Stricken with a sudden horrible suspicion, Penrod entered the +storeroom in one stride and lifted the bottle of licorice water +to his nose--then to his lips. It was weak, but good; he had +made no mistake. And Maurice had really drained--to the dregs-- +the bottle of old hair tonics, dead catsups, syrups of +undesirable preserves, condemned extracts of vanilla and lemon, +decayed chocolate, ex-essence of beef, mixed dental preparations, +aromatic spirits of ammonia, spirits of nitre, alcohol, arnica, +quinine, ipecac, sal volatile, nux vomica and licorice water-- +with traces of arsenic, belladonna and strychnine. + +Penrod put the licorice water out of sight and turned to face +the others. Maurice was seating himself on a box just outside +the door and had taken a package of cigarettes from his pocket. + +"Nobody can see me from here, can they?" he said, striking a +match. "You fellers smoke?" + +"No," said Sam, staring at him haggardly. + +"No," said Penrod in a whisper. + +Maurice lit his cigarette and puffed showily. + +"Well, sir," he remarked, "you fellers are certainly square-- +I gotta say that much. Honest, Penrod, I thought you was after +me! I did think so," he added sunnily; "but now I guess you like +me, or else you wouldn't of stuck to it about lettin' me +drink it all if I kept on swallering." + +He chatted on with complete geniality, smoking his cigarette +in content. And as he ran from one topic to another his hearers +stared at him in a kind of torpor. Never once did they exchange +a glance with each other; their eyes were frozen to Maurice. The +cheerful conversationalist made it evident that he was not +without gratitude. + +"Well," he said as he finished his cigarette and rose to go, +"you fellers have treated me nice and some day you come over to +my yard; I'd like to run with you fellers. You're the kind of +fellers I like." + +Penrod's jaw fell; Sam's mouth had been open all the time. +Neither spoke. + +"I gotta go," observed Maurice, consulting a handsome watch. +"Gotta get dressed for the cotillon right after lunch. Come on, +Sam. Don't you have to go, too?" + +Sam nodded dazedly. + +"Well, good-bye, Penrod," said Maurice cordially. "I'm glad +you like me all right. Come on, Sam." + +Penrod leaned against the doorpost and with fixed and glazing +eyes watched the departure of his two visitors. Maurice was +talking volubly, with much gesticulation, as they went; but Sam +walked mechanically and in silence, staring at his brisk +companion and keeping at a little distance from him. + +They passed from sight, Maurice still conversing gayly-- +and Penrod slowly betook himself into the house, his head bowed +upon his chest. + + +Some three hours later, Mr. Samuel Williams, waxen clean and +in sweet raiment, made his reappearance in Penrod's yard, +yodelling a code-signal to summon forth his friend. He yodelled +loud, long, and frequently, finally securing a faint response +from the upper air. + +"Where are you?" shouted Mr. Williams, his roving glance +searching ambient heights. Another low-spirited yodel reaching +his ear, he perceived the head and shoulders of his friend +projecting above the roofridge of the stable. The rest of +Penrod's body was concealed from view, reposing upon the opposite +slant of the gable and precariously secured by the crooking of +his elbows over the ridge. + +"Yay! What you doin' up there?" + +"Nothin'." + +"You better be careful!" Sam called. "You'll slide off and +fall down in the alley if you don't look out. I come pert' near +it last time we was up there. Come on down! Ain't you goin' to +the cotillon?" + +Penrod made no reply. Sam came nearer. + +"Say," he called up in a guarded voice, "I went to our +telephone a while ago and ast him how he was feelin', and he said +he felt fine!" + +"So did I," said Penrod. "He told me he felt bully!" + +Sam thrust his hands in his pockets and brooded. The opening +of the kitchen door caused a diversion. It was Della. + +"Mister Penrod," she bellowed forthwith, "come ahn down fr'm +up there! Y'r mamma's at the dancin' class waitin' fer ye, an' +she's telephoned me they're goin' to begin--an' what's the matter +with ye? Come ahn down fr'm up there!" + +"Come on!" urged Sam. "We'll be late. There go Maurice and +Marjorie now." + +A glittering car spun by, disclosing briefly a genre picture +of Marjorie Jones in pink, supporting a monstrous sheaf of +American Beauty roses. Maurice, sitting shining and joyous +beside her, saw both boys and waved them a hearty greeting as the +car turned the corner. + +Penrod uttered some muffled words and then waved both arms-- +either in response or as an expression of his condition of mind; +it may have been a gesture of despair. How much intention there +was in this act--obviously so rash, considering the position he +occupied--it is impossible to say. Undeniably there must remain +a suspicion of deliberate purpose. + +Della screamed and Sam shouted. Penrod had disappeared from +view. + +The delayed dance was about to begin a most uneven cotillon +when Samuel Williams arrived. + +Mrs. Schofield hurriedly left the ballroom; while Miss +Rennsdale, flushing with sudden happiness, curtsied profoundly to +Professor Bartet and obtained his attention. + +"I have telled you fifty times," he informed her passionately +ere she spoke, "I cannot make no such changes. If your partner +comes you have to dance with him. You are going to drive me +crazy, sure! What is it? What now? What you want?" + +The damsel curtsied again and handed him the following +communication, addressed to herself: + + +"Dear madam Please excuse me from dancing the cotilon with +you this afternoon as I have fell off the barn +"Sincerly yours +"PENROD SCHOFIELD." + + + +CHAPTER XV +THE TWO FAMILIES + +Penrod entered the schoolroom, Monday picturesquely leaning upon +a man's cane shortened to support a cripple approaching the age +of twelve. He arrived about twenty minutes late, limping deeply, +his brave young mouth drawn with pain, and the sensation he +created must have been a solace to him; the only possible +criticism of this entrance being that it was just a shade too +heroic. Perhaps for that reason it failed to stagger Miss +Spence, a woman so saturated with suspicion that she penalized +Penrod for tardiness as promptly and as coldly as if he had been +a mere, ordinary, unmutilated boy. Nor would she +entertain any discussion of the justice of her ruling. It +seemed, almost, that she feared to argue with him. + +However, the distinction of cane and limp remained to him, +consolations which he protracted far into the week--until +Thursday evening, in fact, when Mr. Schofield, observing from a +window his son's pursuit of Duke round and round the backyard, +confiscated the cane, with the promise that it should not remain +idle if he saw Penrod limping again. Thus, succeeding a +depressing Friday, another Saturday brought the necessity for new +inventions. + +It was a scented morning in apple-blossom time. At about ten +of the clock Penrod emerged hastily from the kitchen door. His +pockets bulged abnormally; so did his checks, and he swallowed +with difficulty. A threatening mop, wielded by a cooklike arm in +a checkered sleeve, followed him through the doorway, and he was +preceded by a small, hurried, wistful dog with a warm doughnut in +his mouth. The kitchen door slammed petulantly, enclosing the +sore voice of Della, whereupon Penrod and Duke seated themselves +upon the pleasant sward and immediately consumed the spoils of +their raid. + +From the cross-street which formed the side boundary of the +Schofields' ample yard came a jingle of harness and the cadenced +clatter of a pair of trotting horses, and Penrod, looking up, +beheld the passing of a fat acquaintance, torpid amid the +conservative splendours of a rather old-fashioned victoria. +This was Roderick Magsworth Bitts, Junior, a fellow sufferer at +the Friday Afternoon Dancing Class, but otherwise not often a +companion: a home-sheltered lad, tutored privately and preserved +against the coarsening influences of rude comradeship and +miscellaneous information. Heavily overgrown in all physical +dimensions, virtuous, and placid, this cloistered mutton was +wholly uninteresting to Penrod Schofield. Nevertheless, Roderick +Magsworth Bitts, Junior, was a personage on account of the +importance of the Magsworth Bitts family; and it was Penrod's +destiny to increase Roderick's celebrity far, far beyond its +present aristocratic limitations. + +The Magsworth Bittses were important because they were +impressive; there was no other reason. And they were impressive +because they believed themselves important. The adults of the +family were impregnably formal; they dressed with reticent +elegance, and wore the same nose and the same expression--an +expression which indicated that they knew something exquisite and +sacred which other people could never know. Other people, in +their presence, were apt to feel mysteriously ignoble and to +become secretly uneasy about ancestors, gloves, and +pronunciation. The Magsworth Bitts manner was withholding and +reserved, though sometimes gracious, granting small smiles as +great favours and giving off a chilling kind of preciousness. +Naturally, when any citizen of the community did anything +unconventional or improper, or made a mistake, or had a relative +who went wrong, that citizen's first and worst fear was that the +Magsworth Bittses would hear of it. In fact, this painful family +had for years terrorized the community, though the community had +never realized that it was terrorized, and invariably spoke of +the family as the "most charming circle in town." By common +consent, Mrs. Roderick Magsworth Bitts officiated as the supreme +model as well as critic-in-chief of morals and deportment for all +the unlucky people prosperous enough to be elevated to her +acquaintance. + +Magsworth was the important part of the name. Mrs. Roderick +Magsworth Bitts was a Magsworth born, herself, and the Magsworth +crest decorated not only Mrs. Magsworth Bitts' note-paper but was +on the china, on the table linen, on the chimney-pieces, on the +opaque glass of the front door, on the victoria, and on the +harness, though omitted from the garden-hose and the lawn-mower. + +Naturally, no sensible person dreamed of connecting that +illustrious crest with the unfortunate and notorious Rena +Magsworth whose name had grown week by week into larger and +larger type upon the front pages of newspapers, owing to the +gradually increasing public and official belief that she had +poisoned a family of eight. However, the statement that no +sensible person could have connected the Magsworth Bitts +family with the arsenical Rena takes no account of Penrod +Schofield. + +Penrod never missed a murder, a hanging or an electrocution +in the newspapers; he knew almost as much about Rena Magsworth as +her jurymen did, though they sat in a court-room two hundred +miles away, and he had it in mind--so frank he was--to ask +Roderick Magsworth Bitts, Junior, if the murderess happened to be +a relative. + +The present encounter, being merely one of apathetic +greeting, did not afford the opportunity. Penrod took off his +cap, and Roderick, seated between his mother and one of his +grown-up sisters, nodded sluggishly, but neither Mrs. Magsworth +Bitts nor her daughter acknowledged the salutation of the boy in +the yard. They disapproved of him as a person of little +consequence, and that little, bad. Snubbed, Penrod thoughtfully +restored his cap to his head. A boy can be cut as effectually as +a man, and this one was chilled to a low temperature. He +wondered if they despised him because they had seen a last +fragment of doughnut in his hand; then he thought that perhaps it +was Duke who had disgraced him. Duke was certainly no +fashionable looking dog. + +The resilient spirits of youth, however, presently revived, +and discovering a spider upon one knee and a beetle +simultaneously upon the other, Penrod forgot Mrs. Roderick +Magsworth Bitts in the course of some experiments infringing upon +the domain of Doctor Carrel. Penrod's efforts--with the aid +of a pin--to effect a transference of living organism were +unsuccessful; but he convinced himself forever that a spider +cannot walk with a beetle's legs. Della then enhanced zoological +interest by depositing upon the back porch a large rat-trap from +the cellar, the prison of four live rats awaiting execution. + +Penrod at once took possession, retiring to the empty stable, +where he installed the rats in a small wooden box with a sheet of +broken window-glass--held down by a brickbat--over the top. Thus +the symptoms of their agitation, when the box was shaken or +hammered upon, could be studied at leisure. Altogether this +Saturday was starting splendidly. + +After a time, the student's attention was withdrawn from his +specimens by a peculiar smell, which, being followed up by a +system of selective sniffing, proved to be an emanation leaking +into the stable from the alley. He opened the back door. + +Across the alley was a cottage which a thrifty neighbour had +built on the rear line of his lot and rented to negroes; and the +fact that a negro family was now in process of "moving in" was +manifested by the presence of a thin mule and a ramshackle wagon, +the latter laden with the semblance of a stove and a few other +unpretentious household articles. + +A very small darky boy stood near the mule. In his hand +was a rusty chain, and at the end of the chain the delighted +Penrod perceived the source of the special smell he was tracing-- +a large raccoon. Duke, who had shown not the slightest interest +in the rats, set up a frantic barking and simulated a ravening +assault upon the strange animal. It was only a bit of acting, +however, for Duke was an old dog, had suffered much, and desired +no unnecessary sorrow, wherefore he confined his demonstrations +to alarums and excursions, and presently sat down at a distance +and expressed himself by intermittent threatenings in a quavering +falsetto. + +"What's that 'coon's name?" asked Penrod, intending no +discourtesy. + +"Aim gommo mame," said the small darky. + +"What?" + +"Aim gommo mame." + +"WHAT?" + +The small darky looked annoyed. + +"Aim GOMMO mame, I hell you," he said impatiently. + +Penrod conceived that insult was intended. + +"What's the matter of you?" he demanded advancing. "You get +fresh with ME, and I'll----" + +"Hyuh, white boy!" A coloured youth of Penrod's own age +appeared in the doorway of the cottage. "You let 'at brothuh +mine alone. He ain' do nothin' to you." + +"Well, why can't he answer?" + +"He can't. He can't talk no better'n what he WAS +talkin'. He tongue-tie'." + +"Oh," said Penrod, mollified. Then, obeying an impulse so +universally aroused in the human breast under like circumstances +that it has become a quip, he turned to the afflicted one. + +"Talk some more," he begged eagerly. + +"I hoe you ackoom aim gommo mame," was the prompt response, +in which a slight ostentation was manifest. Unmistakable tokens +of vanity had appeared upon the small, swart countenance. + +"What's he mean?" asked Penrod, enchanted. + +"He say he tole you 'at 'coon ain' got no name." + +"What's YOUR name?" + +"I'm name Herman." + +"What's his name?" Penrod pointed to the tongue-tied boy. + +"Verman." + +"What!" + +"Verman. Was three us boys in ow fam'ly. Ol'est one name +Sherman. 'N'en come me; I'm Herman. 'N'en come him; he Verman. +Sherman dead. Verman, he de littles' one." + +"You goin' to live here?" + +"Umhuh. Done move in f'm way outen on a fahm." + +He pointed to the north with his right hand, and Penrod's +eyes opened wide as they followed the gesture. Herman had +no forefinger on that hand. + +"Look there!" exclaimed Penrod. "You haven't got any +finger!" + +"_I_ mum map," said Verman, with egregious pride. + +"HE done 'at," interpreted Herman, chuckling. "Yessuh; +done chop 'er spang off, long 'go. He's a playin' wif a ax an' I +lay my finguh on de do'-sill an' I say, `Verman, chop 'er off!' +So Verman he chop 'er right spang off up to de roots! Yessuh." + +"What FOR?" + +"Jes' fo' nothin'." + +"He hoe me hoo," remarked Verman. + +"Yessuh, I tole him to," said Herman, "an' he chop 'er off, +an' ey ain't airy oth' one evuh grown on wheres de ole one use to +grow. Nosuh!" + +"But what'd you tell him to do it for?" + +"Nothin'. I 'es' said it 'at way--an' he jes' chop er off!" + +Both brothers looked pleased and proud. Penrod's profound +interest was flatteringly visible, a tribute to their +unusualness. + +"Hem bow goy," suggested Verman eagerly. + +"Aw ri'," said Herman. "Ow sistuh Queenie, she a growed-up +woman; she got a goituh." + +"Got a what?" + +"Goituh. Swellin' on her neck--grea' big swellin'. She +heppin' mammy move in now. You look in de front-room winduh +wheres she sweepin'; you kin see it on her." + +Penrod looked in the window and was rewarded by a fine view +of Queenie's goitre. He had never before seen one, and only the +lure of further conversation on the part of Verman brought him +from the window. + +"Verman say tell you 'bout pappy," explained Herman. "Mammy +an' Queenie move in town an' go git de house all fix up befo' +pappy git out." + +"Out of where?" + +"Jail. Pappy cut a man, an' de police done kep' him in jail +evuh sense Chris'mus-time; but dey goin' tuhn him loose ag'in +nex' week." + +"What'd he cut the other man with?" + +"Wif a pitchfawk." + +Penrod began to feel that a lifetime spent with this +fascinating family were all too short. The brothers, glowing +with amiability, were as enraptured as he. For the first time in +their lives they moved in the rich glamour of sensationalism. +Herman was prodigal of gesture with his right hand; and Verman, +chuckling with delight, talked fluently, though somewhat +consciously. They cheerfully agreed to keep the raccoon--already +beginning to be mentioned as "our 'coon" by Penrod--in Mr. +Schofield's empty stable, and, when the animal had been chained +to the wall near the box of rats and supplied with a pan of fair +water, they assented to their new friend's suggestion (inspired +by a fine sense of the artistic harmonies) that the +heretofore nameless pet be christened Sherman, in honour of their +deceased relative. + +At this juncture was heard from the front yard the sound of +that yodelling which is the peculiar accomplishment of those +whose voices have not "changed." Penrod yodelled a response; and +Mr. Samuel Williams appeared, a large bundle under his arm. + +"Yay, Penrod!" was his greeting, casual enough from without; +but, having entered, he stopped short and emitted a prodigious +whistle. "YA-A-AY!" he then shouted. "Look at the 'coon!" + +"I guess you better say, `Look at the 'coon!'" Penrod +returned proudly. "They's a good deal more'n him to look at, +too. Talk some, Verman." Verman complied. + +Sam was warmly interested. "What'd you say his name was?" he +asked. + +"Verman." + +"How d'you spell it?" + +"V-e-r-m-a-n," replied Penrod, having previously received +this information from Herman. + +"Oh!" said Sam. + +"Point to sumpthing, Herman," Penrod commanded, and Sam's +excitement, when Herman pointed was sufficient to the occasion. + +Penrod, the discoverer, continued his exploitation of the +manifold wonders of the Sherman, Herman, and Verman +collection. With the air of a proprietor he escorted Sam into +the alley for a good look at Queenie (who seemed not to care for +her increasing celebrity) and proceeded to a dramatic climax--the +recital of the episode of the pitchfork and its consequences. + +The cumulative effect was enormous, and could have but one +possible result. The normal boy is always at least one half +Barnum. + +"Let's get up a SHOW!" + +Penrod and Sam both claimed to have said it first, a question +left unsettled in the ecstasies of hurried preparation. The +bundle under Sam's arm, brought with no definite purpose, proved +to have been an inspiration. It consisted of broad sheets of +light yellow wrapping-paper, discarded by Sam's mother in her +spring house-cleaning. There were half-filled cans and buckets +of paint in the storeroom adjoining the carriage-house, and +presently the side wall of the stable flamed information upon the +passer-by from a great and spreading poster. + +"Publicity," primal requisite of all theatrical and +amphitheatrical enterprise thus provided, subsequent arrangements +proceeded with a fury of energy which transformed the empty hay- +loft. True, it is impossible to say just what the hay-loft was +transformed into, but history warrantably clings to the statement +that it was transformed. Duke and Sherman were secured to the +rear wall at a considerable distance from each other, after +an exhibition of reluctance on the part of Duke, during which he +displayed a nervous energy and agility almost miraculous in so +small and middle-aged a dog. Benches were improvised for +spectators; the rats were brought up; finally the rafters, corn- +crib, and hay-chute were ornamented with flags and strips of +bunting from Sam Williams' attic, Sam returning from the +excursion wearing an old silk hat, and accompanied (on account of +a rope) by a fine dachshund encountered on the highway. In the +matter of personal decoration paint was generously used: an +interpretation of the spiral, inclining to whites and greens, +becoming brilliantly effective upon the dark facial backgrounds +of Herman and Verman; while the countenances of Sam and Penrod +were each supplied with the black moustache and imperial, lacking +which, no professional showman can be esteemed conscientious. + +It was regretfully decided, in council, that no attempt be +made to add Queenie to the list of exhibits, her brothers warmly +declining to act as ambassadors in that cause. They were certain +Queenie would not like the idea, they said, and Herman +picturesquely described her activity on occasions when she had +been annoyed by too much attention to her appearance. However, +Penrod's disappointment was alleviated by an inspiration which +came to him in a moment of pondering upon the dachshund, and the +entire party went forth to add an enriching line to the +poster. + +They found a group of seven, including two adults, already +gathered in the street to read and admire this work. + + + SCHoFiELD & WiLLiAMS + BiG SHOW + ADMiSSioN 1 CENT oR 20 PiNS + MUSUEM oF CURioSiTES + Now GoiNG oN + SHERMAN HERMAN & VERMAN + THiER FATHERS iN JAiL STABED A + MAN WiTH A + PiTCHFORK + SHERMAN THE WiLD ANIMAL + CAPTURED iN AFRiCA + HERMAN THE ONE FiNGERED TATOOD + WILD MAN VERMAN THE SAVAGE TATOOD + WILD BoY TALKS ONLY iN HiS NAiTiVE + LANGUAGS. Do NoT FAIL TO SEE DUKE + THE INDiAN DOG ALSO THE MiCHiGAN + TRAiNED RATS + + +A heated argument took place between Sam and Penrod, the +point at issue being settled, finally, by the drawing of straws; +whereupon Penrod, with pardonable self-importance--in the +presence of an audience now increased to nine--slowly painted the +words inspired by the dachshund: + + + IMPoRTENT Do NoT MISS THE SoUTH + AMERiCAN DoG PART ALLIGATOR. + + + +CHAPTER XVI +THE NEW STAR + +Sam, Penrod, Herman, and Verman withdrew in considerable state +from non-paying view, and, repairing to the hay-loft, declared +the exhibition open to the public. Oral proclamation was made by +Sam, and then the loitering multitude was enticed by the +seductive strains of a band; the two partners performing upon +combs and paper, Herman and Verman upon tin pans with sticks. + +The effect was immediate. Visitors appeared upon the +stairway and sought admission. Herman and Verman took position +among the exhibits, near the wall; Sam stood at the entrance, +officiating as barker and ticket-seller; while Penrod, +with debonair suavity, acted as curator, master of ceremonies, +and lecturer. He greeted the first to enter with a courtly bow. +They consisted of Miss Rennsdale and her nursery governess, and +they paid spot cash for their admission. + +"Walk in, lay-deeze, walk right in--pray do not obstruck the +passageway," said Penrod, in a remarkable voice. "Pray be +seated; there is room for each and all." + +Miss Rennsdale and governess were followed by Mr. Georgie +Bassett and baby sister (which proves the perfection of Georgie's +character) and six or seven other neighbourhood children--a most +satisfactory audience, although, subsequent to Miss Rennsdale and +governess, admission was wholly by pin. + +"GEN-til-mun and LAY-deeze," shouted Penrod, "I will +first call your at-tain-shon to our genuine South American dog, +part alligator!" He pointed to the dachshund, and added, in his +ordinary tone, "That's him." Straightway reassuming the +character of showman, he bellowed: "NEXT, you see Duke, the +genuine, full-blooded Indian dog from the far Western Plains and +Rocky Mountains. NEXT, the trained Michigan rats, captured +way up there, and trained to jump and run all around the box at +the--at the--at the slightest PRE-text!" He paused, partly +to take breath and partly to enjoy his own surprised +discovery that this phrase was in his vocabulary. + +"At the slightest PRE-text!" he repeated, and continued, +suiting the action to the word: "I will now hammer upon the box +and each and all may see these genuine full-blooded Michigan rats +perform at the slightest PRE-text! There! (That's all they +do now, but I and Sam are goin' to train 'em lots more before +this afternoon.) GEN-til-mun and LAY-deeze I will kindly +now call your at-tain-shon to Sherman, the wild animal from +Africa, costing the lives of the wild trapper and many of his +companions. NEXT, let me kindly interodoos Herman and +Verman. Their father got mad and stuck his pitchfork right +inside of another man, exactly as promised upon the +advertisements outside the big tent, and got put in jail. Look +at them well, gen-til-mun and lay-deeze, there is no extra +charge, and RE-MEM-BUR you are each and all now looking at +two wild, tattooed men which the father of is in jail. Point, +Herman. Each and all will have a chance to see. Point to +sumpthing else, Herman. This is the only genuine one-fingered +tattooed wild man. Last on the programme, gen-til-mun and lay- +deeze, we have Verman, the savage tattooed wild boy, that can't +speak only his native foreign languages. Talk some, Verman." + +Verman obliged and made an instantaneous hit. He was encored +rapturously, again and again; and, thrilling with the unique +pleasure of being appreciated and misunderstood at the same time, +would have talked all day but too gladly. Sam Williams, +however, with a true showman's foresight, whispered to Penrod, +who rang down on the monologue. + +"GEN-til-mun and LAY-deeze, this closes our +pufformance. Pray pass out quietly and with as little jostling +as possible. As soon as you are all out there's goin' to be a +new pufformance, and each and all are welcome at the same and +simple price of admission. Pray pass out quietly and with as +little jostling as possible. RE-MEM-BUR the price is only +one cent, the tenth part of a dime, or twenty pins, no bent ones +taken. Pray pass out quietly and with as little jostling as +possible. The Schofield and Williams Military Band will play +before each pufformance, and each and all are welcome for the +same and simple price of admission. Pray pass out quietly and +with as little jostling as possible." + +Forthwith, the Schofield and Williams Military Band began a +second overture, in which something vaguely like a tune was at +times distinguishable; and all of the first audience returned, +most of them having occupied the interval in hasty excursions for +more pins; Miss Rennsdale and governess, however, again paying +coin of the Republic and receiving deference and the best seats +accordingly. And when a third performance found all of the same +inveterate patrons once more crowding the auditorium, and seven +recruits added, the pleasurable excitement of the partners in +their venture will be understood by any one who has seen a +metropolitan manager strolling about the foyer of his theatre +some evening during the earlier stages of an assured "phenomenal +run." + +From the first, there was no question which feature of the +entertainment was the attraction extraordinary: Verman--Verman, +the savage tattooed wild boy, speaking only his native foreign +languages--Verman was a triumph! Beaming, wreathed in smiles, +melodious, incredibly fluent, he had but to open his lips and a +dead hush fell upon the audience. Breathless, they leaned +forward, hanging upon his every semi-syllable, and, when Penrod +checked the flow, burst into thunders of applause, which Verman +received with happy laughter. + +Alas! he delayed not o'er long to display all the +egregiousness of a new star; but for a time there was no caprice +of his too eccentric to be forgiven. During Penrod's lecture +upon the other curios, the tattooed wild boy continually stamped +his foot, grinned, and gesticulated, tapping his tiny chest, and +pointing to himself as it were to say: "Wait for Me! I am the +Big Show." So soon they learn; so soon they learn! And (again +alas!) this spoiled darling of public favour, like many another, +was fated to know, in good time, the fickleness of that favour. + +But during all the morning performances he was the idol of +his audience and looked it! The climax of his popularity came +during the fifth overture of the Schofield and Williams +Military Band, when the music was quite drowned in the agitated +clamours of Miss Rennsdale, who was endeavouring to ascend the +stairs in spite of the physical dissuasion of her governess. + +"I WON'T go home to lunch!" screamed Miss Rennsdale, her +voice accompanied by a sound of ripping. "I WILL hear the +tattooed wild boy talk some more! It's lovely--I WILL hear +him talk! I WILL! I WILL! I want to listen to Verman-- +I WANT to--I WANT to----" + +Wailing, she was borne away--of her sex not the first to be +fascinated by obscurity, nor the last to champion its eloquence. + +Verman was almost unendurable after this, but, like many, +many other managers, Schofield and Williams restrained their +choler, and even laughed fulsomely when their principal +attraction essayed the role of a comedian in private, and capered +and squawked in sheer, fatuous vanity. + +The first performance of the afternoon rivalled the successes +of the morning, and although Miss Rennsdale was detained at home, +thus drying up the single source of cash income developed before +lunch, Maurice Levy appeared, escorting Marjorie Jones, and paid +coin for two admissions, dropping the money into Sam's hand with +a careless--nay, a contemptuous--gesture. At sight of Marjorie, +Penrod Schofield flushed under his new moustache (repainted +since noon) and lectured as he had never lectured before. A +new grace invested his every gesture; a new sonorousness rang in +his voice; a simple and manly pomposity marked his very walk as +he passed from curio to curio. And when he fearlessly handled +the box of rats and hammered upon it with cool insouciance, +he beheld--for the first time in his life--a purl of admiration +eddying in Marjorie's lovely eye, a certain softening of that +eye. And then Verman spake and Penrod was forgotten. Marjorie's +eye rested upon him no more. + +A heavily equipped chauffeur ascended the stairway, bearing +the message that Mrs. Levy awaited her son and his lady. +Thereupon, having devoured the last sound permitted (by the +managers) to issue from Verman, Mr. Levy and Miss Jones departed +to a real matinee at a real theatre, the limpid eyes of Marjorie +looking back softly over her shoulder--but only at the tattooed +wild boy. Nearly always it is woman who puts the irony into +life. + +After this, perhaps because of sated curiosity, perhaps on +account of a pin famine, the attendance began to languish. Only +four responded to the next call of the band; the four dwindled to +three; finally the entertainment was given for one blase +auditor, and Schofield and Williams looked depressed. Then +followed an interval when the band played in vain. + +About three o'clock Schofield and Williams were gloomily +discussing various unpromising devices for +startling the public into a renewal of interest, when another +patron unexpectedly appeared and paid a cent for his admission. +News of the Big Show and Museum of Curiosities had at last +penetrated the far, cold spaces of interstellar niceness, for +this new patron consisted of no less than Roderick Magsworth +Bitts, Junior, escaped in a white "sailor suit" from the Manor +during a period of severe maternal and tutorial preoccupation. + +He seated himself without parley, and the pufformance was +offered for his entertainment with admirable conscientiousness. +True to the Lady Clara caste and training, Roderick's pale, fat +face expressed nothing except an impervious superiority and, as +he sat, cold and unimpressed upon the front bench, like a large, +white lump, it must be said that he made a discouraging audience +"to play to." He was not, however, unresponsive--far from it. +He offered comment very chilling to the warm grandiloquence of +the orator. + +"That's my uncle Ethelbert's dachshund," he remarked, at the +beginning of the lecture. "You better take him back if you don't +want to get arrested." And when Penrod, rather uneasily ignoring +the interruption, proceeded to the exploitation of the genuine, +full-blooded Indian dog, Duke, "Why don't you try to give that +old dog away?" asked Roderick. "You couldn't sell him." + +"My papa would buy me a lots better 'coon than that," +was the information volunteered a little later, "only I wouldn't +want the nasty old thing." + +Herman of the missing finger obtained no greater indulgence. +"Pooh!" said Roderick. "We have two fox-terriers in our stables +that took prizes at the kennel show, and their tails were BIT +off. There's a man that always bites fox-terriers' tails off." + +"Oh, my gosh, what a lie!" exclaimed Sam Williams ignorantly. + +"Go on with the show whether he likes it or not, Penrod. He's +paid his money." + +Verman, confident in his own singular powers, chuckled openly +at the failure of the other attractions to charm the frosty +visitor, and, when his turn came, poured forth a torrent of +conversation which was straightway damned. + +"Rotten," said Mr. Bitts languidly. "Anybody could talk like +that. _I_ could do it if I wanted to." + +Verman paused suddenly. + +"YES, you could!" exclaimed Penrod, stung. "Let's hear +you do it, then." + +"Yessir!" the other partner shouted. "Let's just hear you +DO it!" + +"I said I could if I wanted to," responded Roderick. "I +didn't say I WOULD." + +"Yay! Knows he can't!" sneered Sam. + +"I can, too, if I try." + +"Well, let's hear you try!" + +So challenged, the visitor did try, but, in the absence of an +impartial jury, his effort was considered so pronounced a +failure that he was howled down, derided, and mocked with great +clamours. + +"Anyway," said Roderick, when things had quieted down, "if I +couldn't get up a better show than this I'd sell out and leave +town." + +Not having enough presence of mind to inquire what he would +sell out, his adversaries replied with mere formless yells of +scorn. + +"I could get up a better show than this with my left hand," +Roderick asserted. + +"Well, what would you have in your ole show?" asked Penrod, +condescending to language. + +"That's all right, what I'd HAVE. I'd have enough!" + +"You couldn't get Herman and Verman in your ole show." + +"No, and I wouldn't want 'em, either!" + +"Well, what WOULD you have?" insisted Penrod derisively. +"You'd have to have SUMPTHING--you couldn't be a show +yourself!" + +"How do YOU know?" This was but meandering while waiting +for ideas, and evoked another yell. + +"You think you could be a show all by yourself?" demanded +Penrod. + +"How do YOU know I couldn't?" + +Two white boys and two black boys shrieked their scorn of the +boaster. + +"I could, too!" Roderick raised his voice to a sudden howl, +obtaining a hearing. + +"Well, why don't you tell us how?" + +"Well, _I_ know HOW, all right," said Roderick. "If +anybody asks you, you can just tell him I know HOW, all +right." + +"Why, you can't DO anything," Sam began argumentatively. +"You talk about being a show all by yourself; what could you try +to do? Show us sumpthing you can do." + +"I didn't say I was going to DO anything," returned the +badgered one, still evading. + +"Well, then, how'd you BE a show?" Penrod demanded. +"WE got a show here, even if Herman didn't point or Verman +didn't talk. Their father stabbed a man with a pitchfork, I +guess, didn't he?" + +"How do _I_ know?" + +"Well, I guess he's in jail, ain't he?" + +"Well, what if their father is in jail? I didn't say he +wasn't, did I?" + +"Well, YOUR father ain't in jail, is he?" + +"Well, I never said he was, did I?" + +"Well, then," continued Penrod, "how could you be a----" He +stopped abruptly, staring at Roderick, the birth of an idea +plainly visible in his altered expression. He had suddenly +remembered his intention to ask Roderick Magsworth Bitts, Junior, +about Rena Magsworth, and this recollection collided in his mind +with the irritation produced by Roderick's claiming some +mysterious attainment which would warrant his setting up as a +show in his single person. Penrod's whole manner changed +instantly. + +"Roddy," he asked, almost overwhelmed by a prescience of +something vast and magnificent, "Roddy, are you any relation of +Rena Magsworth?" + +Roderick had never heard of Rena Magsworth, although a +concentration of the sentence yesterday pronounced upon her had +burned, black and horrific, upon the face of every newspaper in +the country. He was not allowed to read the journals of the day +and his family's indignation over the sacrilegious coincidence of +the name had not been expressed in his presence. But he saw that +it was an awesome name to Penrod Schofield and Samuel Williams. +Even Herman and Verman, though lacking many educational +advantages on account of a long residence in the country, were +informed on the subject of Rena Magsworth through hearsay, and +they joined in the portentous silence. + +"Roddy," repeated Penrod, "honest, is Rena Magsworth some +relation of yours?" + +There is no obsession more dangerous to its victims than a +conviction especially an inherited one--of superiority: this +world is so full of Missourians. And from his earliest years +Roderick Magsworth Bitts, Junior, had been trained to believe in +the importance of the Magsworth family. At every meal he +absorbed a sense of Magsworth greatness, and yet, in his +infrequent meetings with persons of his own age and sex, he +was treated as negligible. Now, dimly, he perceived that there +was a Magsworth claim of some sort which was impressive, even to +boys. Magsworth blood was the essential of all true distinction +in the world, he knew. Consequently, having been driven into a +cul-de-sac, as a result of flagrant and unfounded boasting, +he was ready to take advantage of what appeared to be a triumphal +way out. + +"Roddy," said Penrod again, with solemnity, "is Rena +Magsworth some relation of yours?" + +"IS she, Roddy?" asked Sam, almost hoarsely. + +"She's my aunt!" shouted Roddy. + +Silence followed. Sam and Penrod, spellbound, gazed upon +Roderick Magsworth Bitts, Junior. So did Herman and Verman. +Roddy's staggering lie had changed the face of things utterly. +No one questioned it; no one realized that it was much too good +to be true. + +"Roddy," said Penrod, in a voice tremulous with hope, "Roddy, +will you join our show?" + +Roddy joined. + +Even he could see that the offer implied his being starred as +the paramount attraction of a new order of things. It was +obvious that he had swelled out suddenly, in the estimation of +the other boys, to that importance which he had been taught to +believe his native gift and natural right. The sensation was +pleasant. He had often been treated with effusion by grown- +up callers and by acquaintances of his mothers and sisters; he +had heard ladies speak of him as "charming" and "that delightful +child," and little girls had sometimes shown him deference, but +until this moment no boy had ever allowed him, for one moment, to +presume even to equality. Now, in a trice, he was not only +admitted to comradeship, but patently valued as something rare +and sacred to be acclaimed and pedestalled. In fact, the very +first thing that Schofield and Williams did was to find a box for +him to stand upon. + +The misgivings roused in Roderick's bosom by the subsequent +activities of the firm were not bothersome enough to make him +forego his prominence as Exhibit A. He was not a "quick-minded" +boy, and it was long (and much happened) before he thoroughly +comprehended the causes of his new celebrity. He had a shadowy +feeling that if the affair came to be heard of at home it might +not be liked, but, intoxicated by the glamour and bustle which +surround a public character, he made no protest. On the +contrary, he entered whole-heartedly into the preparations for +the new show. Assuming, with Sam's assistance, a blue moustache +and "side-burns," he helped in the painting of a new poster, +which, supplanting the old one on the wall of the stable facing +the cross-street, screamed bloody murder at the passers in that +rather populous thoroughfare. + + + SCHoFiELD & WiLLiAMS + NEW BIG SHoW +RoDERiCK MAGSWoRTH BiTTS JR + ONLY LiViNG NEPHEW + oF + RENA MAGSWORTH + THE FAMOS + MUDERESS GoiNG To BE HUNG + NEXT JULY KiLED EiGHT PEOPLE + PUT ARSiNECK iN THiER MiLK ALSO + SHERMAN HERMAN AND VERMAN +THE MiCHiGAN RATS DOG PART +ALLiGATOR DUKE THE GENUiNE + InDiAN DoG ADMISSioN 1 CENT oR + 20 PINS SAME AS BEFORE Do NoT + MISS THIS CHANSE TO SEE RoDERICK +ONLY LiViNG NEPHEW oF RENA + MAGSWORTH THE GREAT FAMOS + MUDERESS + GoiNG To BE + HUNG + + + +CHAPTER VII +RETIRING FROM THE SHOW BUSINESS + +Megaphones were constructed out of heavy wrapping-paper, and +Penrod, Sam, and Herman set out in different directions, +delivering vocally the inflammatory proclamation of the poster to +a large section of the residential quarter, and leaving Roderick +Magsworth Bitts, Junior, with Verman in the loft, shielded from +all deadhead eyes. Upon the return of the heralds, the Schofield +and Williams Military Band played deafeningly, and an awakened +public once more thronged to fill the coffers of the firm. + +Prosperity smiled again. The very first audience +after the acquisition of Roderick was larger than the +largest of the morning. Master Bitts--the only exhibit placed +upon a box--was a supercurio. All eyes fastened upon him and +remained, hungrily feasting, throughout Penrod's luminous +oration. + +But the glory of one light must ever be the dimming of +another. We dwell in a vale of seesaws--and cobwebs spin fastest +upon laurel. Verman, the tattooed wild boy, speaking only in his +native foreign languages, Verman the gay, Verman the caperer, +capered no more; he chuckled no more, he beckoned no more, nor +tapped his chest, nor wreathed his idolatrous face in smiles. +Gone, all gone, were his little artifices for attracting the +general attention to himself; gone was every engaging mannerism +which had endeared him to the mercurial public. He squatted +against the wall and glowered at the new sensation. It was the +old story--the old, old story of too much temperament: Verman +was suffering from artistic jealousy. + +The second audience contained a cash-paying adult, a +spectacled young man whose poignant attention was very +flattering. He remained after the lecture, and put a few +questions to Roddy, which were answered rather confusedly upon +promptings from Penrod. The young man went away without having +stated the object of his interrogations, but it became quite +plain, later in the day. This same object caused the spectacled +young man to make several brief but stimulating calls +directly after leaving the Schofield and Williams Big Show, and +the consequences thereof loitered not by the wayside. + +The Big Show was at high tide. Not only was the auditorium +filled and throbbing; there was an indubitable line--by no means +wholly juvenile--waiting for admission to the next pufformance. +A group stood in the street examining the poster earnestly as it +glowed in the long, slanting rays of the westward sun, and people +in automobiles and other vehicles had halted wheel in the street +to read the message so piquantly given to the world. These were +the conditions when a crested victoria arrived at a gallop, and a +large, chastely magnificent and highly flushed woman descended, +and progressed across the yard with an air of violence. + +At sight of her, the adults of the waiting line hastily +disappeared, and most of the pausing vehicles moved instantly on +their way. She was followed by a stricken man in livery. + +The stairs to the auditorium were narrow and steep; Mrs. +Roderick Magsworth Bitts was of a stout favour; and the voice of +Penrod was audible during the ascent. + +"RE-MEM-BUR, gentilmun and lay-deeze, each and all are +now gazing upon Roderick Magsworth Bitts, Junior, the only living +nephew of the great Rena Magsworth. She stuck ars'nic in the +milk of eight separate and distinck people to put in their coffee +and each and all of 'em died. The great ars'nic murderess, +Rena Magsworth, gentilmun and lay-deeze, and Roddy's her only +living nephew. She's a relation of all the Bitts family, but +he's her one and only living nephew. RE-MEM-BUR! Next July +she's goin' to be hung, and, each and all, you now see before +you----" + +Penrod paused abruptly, seeing something before himself--the +august and awful presence which filled the entryway. And his +words (it should be related) froze upon his lips. + +Before HERSELF, Mrs. Roderick Magsworth Bitts saw her +son--her scion--wearing a moustache and sideburns of blue, and +perched upon a box flanked by Sherman and Verman, the Michigan +rats, the Indian dog Duke, Herman, and the dog part alligator. + +Roddy, also, saw something before himself. It needed no +prophet to read the countenance of the dread apparition in the +entryway. His mouth opened--remained open--then filled to +capacity with a calamitous sound of grief not unmingled with +apprehension. + +Penrod's reason staggered under the crisis. For a horrible +moment he saw Mrs. Roderick Magsworth Bitts approaching like some +fatal mountain in avalanche. She seemed to grow larger and +redder; lightnings played about her head; he had a vague +consciousness of the audience spraying out in flight, of the +squealings, tramplings and dispersals of a stricken +field. The mountain was close upon him---- + +He stood by the open mouth of the hay-chute which went +through the floor to the manger below. Penrod also went through +the floor. He propelled himself into the chute and shot down, +but not quite to the manger, for Mr. Samuel Williams had +thoughtfully stepped into the chute a moment in advance of his +partner. Penrod lit upon Sam. + +Catastrophic noises resounded in the loft; volcanoes seemed +to romp upon the stairway. + +There ensued a period when only a shrill keening marked the +passing of Roderick as he was borne to the tumbril. Then all was +silence. + + +. . . Sunset, striking through a western window, rouged the +walls of the Schofields' library, where gathered a joint family +council and court martial of four--Mrs. Schofield, Mr. Schofield, +and Mr. and Mrs. Williams, parents of Samuel of that ilk. Mr. +Williams read aloud a conspicuous passage from the last edition +of the evening paper: + +"Prominent people here believed close relations of woman +sentenced to hang. Angry denial by Mrs. R. Magsworth Bitts. +Relationship admitted by younger member of family. His statement +confirmed by boy-friends----" + +"Don't!" said Mrs. Williams, addressing her husband +vehemently. "We've all read it a dozen times. We've got +plenty of trouble on our hands without hearing THAT again!" + +Singularly enough, Mrs. Williams did not look troubled; she +looked as if she were trying to look troubled. Mrs. Schofield +wore a similar expression. So did Mr. Schofield. So did Mr. +Williams. + +"What did she say when she called YOU up?" Mrs. Schofield +inquired breathlessly of Mrs. Williams. + +"She could hardly speak at first, and then when she did talk, +she talked so fast I couldn't understand most of it, and----" + +"It was just the same when she tried to talk to me," said +Mrs. Schofield, nodding. + +"I never did hear any one in such a state before," continued +Mrs. Williams. "So furious----" + +"Quite justly, of course," said Mrs. Schofield. + +"Of course. And she said Penrod and Sam had enticed Roderick +away from home--usually he's not allowed to go outside the yard +except with his tutor or a servant--and had told him to say that +horrible creature was his aunt----" + +"How in the world do you suppose Sam and Penrod ever thought +of such a thing as THAT!" exclaimed Mrs. Schofield. "It must +have been made up just for their `show.' Della says there were +just STREAMS going in and out all day. Of course it wouldn't +have happened, but this was the day Margaret and I spend every +month in the country with Aunt Sarah, and I didn't DREAM----" + +"She said one thing I thought rather tactless," interrupted +Mrs. Williams. "Of course we must allow for her being dreadfully +excited and wrought up, but I do think it wasn't quite delicate +in her, and she's usually the very soul of delicacy. She said +that Roderick had NEVER been allowed to associate with-- +common boys----" + +"Meaning Sam and Penrod," said Mrs. Schofield. "Yes, she +said that to me, too." + +"She said that the most awful thing about it," Mrs. Williams +went on, "was that, though she's going to prosecute the +newspapers, many people would always believe the story, and----" + +"Yes, I imagine they will," said Mrs. Schofield musingly. +"Of course you and I and everybody who really knows the Bitts and +Magsworth families understand the perfect absurdity of it; but I +suppose there are ever so many who'll believe it, no matter what +the Bittses and Magsworths say." + +"Hundreds and hundreds!" said Mrs. Williams. "I'm afraid it +will be a great come-down for them." + +"I'm afraid so," said Mrs. Schofield gently. "A very great +one--yes, a very, very great one." + +"Well," observed Mrs. Williams, after a thoughtful pause, +"there's only one thing to be done, and I suppose it had better +be done right away." + +She glanced toward the two gentlemen. + +"Certainly," Mr. Schofield agreed. "But where ARE they?" + +"Have you looked in the stable?" asked his wife. + +"I searched it. They've probably started for the far West." + +"Did you look in the sawdust-box?" + +"No, I didn't." + +"Then that's where they are." + +Thus, in the early twilight, the now historic stable was +approached by two fathers charged to do the only thing to be +done. They entered the storeroom. + +"Penrod!" said Mr. Schofield. + +"Sam!" said Mr. Williams. + +Nothing disturbed the twilight hush. + +But by means of a ladder, brought from the carriage-house, +Mr. Schofield mounted to the top of the sawdust-box. He looked +within, and discerned the dim outlines of three quiet figures, +the third being that of a small dog. + +The two boys rose, upon command, descended the ladder after +Mr. Schofield, bringing Duke with them, and stood before the +authors of their being, who bent upon them sinister and +threatening brows. With hanging heads and despondent +countenances, each still ornamented with a moustache and an +imperial, Penrod and Sam awaited sentence. + +This is a boy's lot: anything he does, anything whatever, may +afterward turn out to have been a crime--he never knows. + +And punishment and clemency are alike inexplicable. + +Mr. Williams took his son by the ear. + +"You march home!" he commanded. + +Sam marched, not looking back, and his father followed the +small figure implacably. + +"You goin' to whip me?" quavered Penrod, alone with Justice. + +"Wash your face at that hydrant," said his father sternly. + +About fifteen minutes later, Penrod, hurriedly entering the +corner drug store, two blocks distant, was astonished to perceive +a familiar form at the soda counter. + +"Yay, Penrod," said Sam Williams. "Want some sody? Come on. + +He didn't lick me. He didn't do anything to me at all. He gave +me a quarter." + +"So'd mine," said Penrod. + + + +CHAPTER XVIII +MUSIC + +Boyhood is the longest time in life for a boy. The last term of +the school-year is made of decades, not of weeks, and living +through them is like waiting for the millennium. But they do +pass, somehow, and at last there came a day when Penrod was one +of a group that capered out from the gravelled yard of "Ward +School, Nomber Seventh," carolling a leave-taking of the +institution, of their instructress, and not even forgetting Mr. +Capps, the janitor. + + "Good-bye, teacher! Good-bye, school! + Good-bye, Cappsie, dern ole fool!" + +Penrod sang the loudest. For every boy, there is an age when +he "finds his voice." Penrod's had not "changed," but he had +found it. Inevitably that thing had come upon his family and the +neighbours; and his father, a somewhat dyspeptic man, quoted +frequently the expressive words of the "Lady of Shalott," but +there were others whose sufferings were as poignant. + +Vacation-time warmed the young of the world to pleasant +languor; and a morning came that was like a brightly coloured +picture in a child's fairy story. Miss Margaret Schofield, +reclining in a hammock upon the front porch, was beautiful in the +eyes of a newly made senior, well favoured and in fair raiment, +beside her. A guitar rested lightly upon his knee, and he was +trying to play--a matter of some difficulty, as the floor of the +porch also seemed inclined to be musical. From directly under +his feet came a voice of song, shrill, loud, incredibly piercing +and incredibly flat, dwelling upon each syllable with +incomprehensible reluctance to leave it. + + "I have lands and earthly pow-wur. + I'd give all for a now-wur, + Whi-ilst setting at MY-Y-Y dear old mother's knee-ee, + So-o-o rem-mem-bur whilst you're young----" + +Miss Schofield stamped heartily upon the musical floor. + +"It's Penrod," she explained. "The lattice at the end of the +porch is loose, and he crawls under and comes out all bugs. +He's been having a dreadful singing fit lately--running away to +picture shows and vaudeville, I suppose." + +Mr. Robert Williams looked upon her yearningly. He touched a +thrilling chord on his guitar and leaned nearer. "But you said +you have missed me," he began. I----" + +The voice of Penrod drowned all other sounds. + + "So-o-o rem-mem-bur, whi-i-ilst you're young, + That the day-a-ys to you will come, + When you're o-o-old and only in the way, + Do not scoff at them BEE-cause----" + +"PENROD!" Miss Schofield stamped again. + +"You DID say you'd missed me," said Mr. Robert Williams, +seizing hurriedly upon the silence. "Didn't you say----" + +A livelier tune rose upward. + + "Oh, you talk about your fascinating beauties, + Of your dem-O-zells, your belles, + But the littil dame I met, while in the city, + She's par excellaws the queen of all the swells. + She's sweeter far----" + +Margaret rose and jumped up and down repeatedly in a well- +calculated area, whereupon the voice of Penrod cried chokedly, +"QUIT that!" and there were subterranean coughings and +sneezings. + +"You want to choke a person to death?" he inquired severely, +appearing at the end of the porch, a cobweb upon his brow. And, +continuing, he put into practice a newly acquired phrase, +"You better learn to be more considerick of other people's +comfort." + +Slowly and grievedly he withdrew, passed to the sunny side of +the house, reclined in the warm grass beside his wistful Duke, +and presently sang again. + + "She's sweeter far than the flower I named her after, + And the memery of her smile it haunts me YET! + When in after years the moon is soffly beamun' + And at eve I smell the smell of mignonette + I will re-CALL that----" + +"Pen-ROD!" + +Mr. Schofield appeared at an open window upstairs, a book in +his hand. + +"Stop it!" he commanded. "Can't I stay home with a headache +ONE morning from the office without having to listen to--I +never DID hear such squawking!" He retired from the window, +having too impulsively called upon his Maker. Penrod, shocked +and injured, entered the house, but presently his voice was again +audible as far as the front porch. He was holding converse with +his mother, somewhere in the interior. + +"Well, what of it? Sam Williams told me his mother said if +Bob ever did think of getting married to Margaret, his mother +said she'd like to know what in the name o' goodness they expect +to----" + +Bang! Margaret thought it better to close the front door. + +The next minute Penrod opened it. "I suppose you want the +whole family to get a sunstroke," he said reprovingly. "Keepin' +every breath of air out o' the house on a day like this!" + +And he sat down implacably in the doorway. + +The serious poetry of all languages has omitted the little +brother; and yet he is one of the great trials of love--the +immemorial burden of courtship. Tragedy should have found place +for him, but he has been left to the haphazard vignettist of Grub +Street. He is the grave and real menace of lovers; his head is +sacred and terrible, his power illimitable. There is one way-- +only one--to deal with him; but Robert Williams, having a brother +of Penrod's age, understood that way. + +Robert had one dollar in the world. He gave it to Penrod +immediately. + +Enslaved forever, the new Rockefeller rose and went forth +upon the highway, an overflowing heart bursting the floodgates of +song. + +"In her eyes the light of love was soffly gleamun', + So sweetlay, + So neatlay. +On the banks the moon's soff light was brightly streamun', + Words of love I then spoke TO her. + She was purest of the PEW-er: +`Littil sweetheart, do not sigh, +Do not weep and do not cry. +I will build a littil cottige just for yew-EW-EW and I.'" + +In fairness, it must be called to mind that boys older than +Penrod have these wellings of pent melody; a wife can never tell +when she is to undergo a musical morning, and even the golden +wedding brings her no security, a man of ninety is liable to +bust-loose in song, any time. + +Invalids murmured pitifully as Penrod came within hearing; +and people trying to think cursed the day that they were born, +when he went shrilling by. His hands in his pockets, his shining +face uplifted to the sky of June, he passed down the street, +singing his way into the heart's deepest hatred of all who heard +him. + + "One evuning I was sturow-ling + Midst the city of the DEAD, + I viewed where all a-round me + Their PEACE-full graves was SPREAD. + But that which touched me mostlay----" + +He had reached his journey's end, a junk-dealer's shop +wherein lay the long-desired treasure of his soul--an accordion +which might have possessed a high quality of interest for an +antiquarian, being unquestionably a ruin, beautiful in decay, and +quite beyond the sacrilegious reach of the restorer. But it was +still able to disgorge sounds--loud, strange, compelling sounds, +which could be heard for a remarkable distance in all directions; +and it had one rich calf-like tone that had gone to Penrod's +heart. He obtained the instrument for twenty-two cents, a +price long since agreed upon with the junk-dealer, who +falsely claimed a loss of profit, Shylock that he was! He had +found the wreck in an alley. + +With this purchase suspended from his shoulder by a faded +green cord, Penrod set out in a somewhat homeward direction, but +not by the route he had just travelled, though his motive for the +change was not humanitarian. It was his desire to display +himself thus troubadouring to the gaze of Marjorie Jones. +Heralding his advance by continuous experiments in the music of +the future, he pranced upon his blithesome way, the faithful Duke +at his heels. (It was easier for Duke than it would have been +for a younger dog, because, with advancing age, he had begun to +grow a little deaf.) + +Turning the corner nearest to the glamoured mansion of the +Joneses, the boy jongleur came suddenly face to face with +Marjorie, and, in the delicious surprise of the encounter, ceased +to play, his hands, in agitation, falling from the instrument. + +Bareheaded, the sunshine glorious upon her amber curls, +Marjorie was strolling hand-in-hand with her baby brother, +Mitchell, four years old. She wore pink that day--unforgettable +pink, with a broad, black patent-leather belt, shimmering +reflections dancing upon its surface. How beautiful she was! +How sacred the sweet little baby brother, whose privilege it was +to cling to that small hand, delicately powdered with freckles. + +"Hello, Marjorie," said Penrod, affecting carelessness. + +"Hello!" said Marjorie, with unexpected cordiality. She +bent over her baby brother with motherly affectations. "Say +`howdy' to the gentymuns, Mitchy-Mitch," she urged sweetly, +turning him to face Penrod. + +"WON'T!" said Mitchy-Mitch, and, to emphasize his +refusal, kicked the gentymuns upon the shin. + +Penrod's feelings underwent instant change, and in the sole +occupation of disliking Mitchy-Mitch, he wasted precious seconds +which might have been better employed in philosophic +consideration of the startling example, just afforded, of how a +given law operates throughout the universe in precisely the same +manner perpetually. Mr. Robert Williams would have understood +this, easily. + +"Oh, oh!" Marjorie cried, and put Mitchy-Mitch behind her +with too much sweetness. "Maurice Levy's gone to Atlantic City +with his mamma," she remarked conversationally, as if the kicking +incident were quite closed. + +"That's nothin'," returned Penrod, keeping his eye uneasily +upon Mitchy-Mitch. "I know plenty people been better places than +that--Chicago and everywhere." + +There was unconscious ingratitude in his low rating of +Atlantic City, for it was largely to the attractions of that +resort he owed Miss Jones' present attitude of friendliness. + +Of course, too, she was curious about the accordion. It would be +dastardly to hint that she had noticed a paper bag which bulged +the pocket of Penrod's coat, and yet this bag was undeniably +conspicuous--"and children are very like grown people sometimes!" + +Penrod brought forth the bag, purchased on the way at a drug +store, and till this moment UNOPENED, which expresses in a +word the depth of his sentiment for Marjorie. It contained an +abundant fifteen-cents' worth of lemon drops, jaw-breakers, +licorice sticks, cinnamon drops, and shopworn choclate creams. + +"Take all you want," he said, with off-hand generosity. + +"Why, Penrod Schofield," exclaimed the wholly thawed damsel, +"you nice boy!" + +"Oh, that's nothin'," he returned airily. "I got a good deal +of money, nowadays." + +"Where from?" + +"Oh--just around." With a cautious gesture he offered a jaw- +breaker to Mitchy-Mitch, who snatched it indignantly and set +about its absorption without delay. + +"Can you play on that?" asked Marjorie, with some difficulty, +her cheeks being rather too hilly for conversation. + +"Want to hear me?" + +She nodded, her eyes sweet with anticipation. + +This was what he had come for. He threw back his head, +lifted his eyes dreamily, as he had seen real musicians lift +theirs, and distended the accordion preparing to produce the +wonderful calf-like noise which was the instrument's great charm. + +But the distention evoked a long wail which was at once drowned +in another one. + +"Ow! Owowaoh! Wowohah! WaowWOW!" shrieked Mitchy-Mitch +and the accordion together. + +Mitchy-Mitch, to emphasize his disapproval of the accordion, +opening his mouth still wider, lost therefrom the jaw-breaker, +which rolled in the dust. Weeping, he stooped to retrieve it, +and Marjorie, to prevent him, hastily set her foot upon it. +Penrod offered another jaw-breaker; but Mitchy-Mitch struck it +from his hand, desiring the former, which had convinced him of +its sweetness. + +Marjorie moved inadvertently; whereupon Mitchy-Mitch pounced +upon the remains of his jaw-breaker and restored them, with +accretions, to his mouth. His sister, uttering a cry of horror, +sprang to the rescue, assisted by Penrod, whom she prevailed upon +to hold Mitchy-Mitch's mouth open while she excavated. This +operation being completed, and Penrod's right thumb severely +bitten, Mitchy-Mitch closed his eyes tightly, stamped, squealed, +bellowed, wrung his hands, and then, unexpectedly, kicked Penrod +again. + +Penrod put a hand in his pocket and drew forth a copper +two-cent piece, large, round, and fairly bright. + +He gave it to Mitchy-Mitch. + +Mitchy-Mitch immediately stopped crying and gazed upon his +benefactor with the eyes of a dog. + +This world! + +Thereafter did Penrod--with complete approval from Mitchy- +Mitch--play the accordion for his lady to his heart's content, +and hers. Never had he so won upon her; never had she let him +feel so close to her before. They strolled up and down upon the +sidewalk, eating, one thought between them, and soon she had +learned to play the accordion almost as well as he. So passed a +happy hour, which the Good King Rene of Anjou would have envied +them, while Mitchy-Mitch made friends with Duke, romped about his +sister and her swain, and clung to the hand of the latter, at +intervals, with fondest affection and trust. + +The noon whistles failed to disturb this little Arcady; only +the sound of Mrs. Jones' voice for the third time summoning +Marjorie and Mitchy-Mitch to lunch--sent Penrod on his way. + +"I could come back this afternoon, I guess," he said, in +parting. + +"I'm not goin' to be here. I'm goin' to Baby Rennsdale's +party." + +Penrod looked blank, as she intended he should. Having thus +satisfied herself, she added: + +"There aren't goin' to be any boys there." + +He was instantly radiant again. + +"Marjorie----" + +"Hum?" + +"Do you wish I was goin' to be there?" + +She looked shy, and turned away her head. + +"MARJORIE JONES!" (This was a voice from home.) "HOW +MANY MORE TIMES SHALL I HAVE TO CALL YOU?" + +Marjorie moved away, her face still hidden from Penrod. + +"Do you?" he urged. + +At the gate, she turned quickly toward him, and said over her +shoulder, all in a breath: "Yes! Come again to-morrow morning +and I'll be on the corner. Bring your 'cordion!" + +And she ran into the house, Mitchy-Mitch waving a loving hand +to the boy on the sidewalk until the front door closed. + + + +CHAPTER XIX +THE INNER BOY + +Penrod went home in splendour, pretending that he and Duke were a +long procession; and he made enough noise to render the auricular +part of the illusion perfect. His own family were already at the +lunch-table when he arrived, and the parade halted only at the +door of the dining-room. + +"Oh SOMETHING!" shouted Mr. Schofield, clasping his +bilious brow with both hands. "Stop that noise! Isn't it awful +enough for you to SING? Sit DOWN! Not with that thing +on! Take that green rope off your shoulder! Now take that thing +out of the dining-room and throw it in the ash-can! +Where did you get it?" + +"Where did I get what, papa?" asked Penrod meekly, depositing +the accordion in the hall just outside the dining-room door. + +"That da--that third-hand concertina." + +"It's a 'cordian," said Penrod, taking his place at the +table, and noticing that both Margaret and Mr. Robert Williams +(who happened to be a guest) were growing red. + +"I don't care what you call it," said Mr. Schofield +irritably. "I want to know where you got it." + +Penrod's eyes met Margaret's: hers had a strained expression. + +She very slightly shook her head. Penrod sent Mr. Williams a +grateful look, and might have been startled if he could have seen +himself in a mirror at that moment; for he regarded Mitchy-Mitch +with concealed but vigorous aversion and the resemblance would +have horrified him. + +"A man gave it to me," he answered gently, and was rewarded +by the visibly regained ease of his patron's manner, while +Margaret leaned back in her chair and looked at her brother with +real devotion. + +"I should think he'd have been glad to," said Mr. Schofield. +"Who was he?" + +"Sir?" In spite of the candy which he had consumed in +company with Marjorie and Mitchy-Mitch, Penrod had begun to +eat lobster croquettes earnestly. + +"Who WAS he?" + +"Who do you mean, papa?" + +"The man that gave you that ghastly Thing!" + +"Yessir. A man gave it to me." + +"I say, Who WAS he?" shouted Mr. Schofield. + +"Well, I was just walking along, and the man came up to me--it +was right down in front of Colgate's, where most of the paint's +rubbed off the fence----" + +"Penrod!" The father used his most dangerous tone. + +"Sir?" + +"Who was the man that gave you the concertina?" + +"I don't know. I was walking along----" + +"You never saw him before?" + +"No, sir. I was just walk----" + +"That will do," said Mr. Schofield, rising. "I suppose every +family has its secret enemies and this was one of ours. I must +ask to be excused!" + +With that, he went out crossly, stopping in the hall a moment +before passing beyond hearing. And, after lunch, Penrod sought +in vain for his accordion; he even searched the library where his +father sat reading, though, upon inquiry, Penrod explained that +he was looking for a misplaced schoolbook. He thought he ought +to study a little every day, he said, even during vacation-time. +Much pleased, Mr. Schofield rose and joined the search, +finding the missing work on mathematics with singular ease--which +cost him precisely the price of the book the following September. + +Penrod departed to study in the backyard. There, after a +cautious survey of the neighbourhood, he managed to dislodge the +iron cover of the cistern, and dropped the arithmetic within. A +fine splash rewarded his listening ear. Thus assured that when +he looked for that book again no one would find it for him, he +replaced the cover, and betook himself pensively to the highway, +discouraging Duke from following by repeated volleys of stones, +some imaginary and others all too real. + +Distant strains of brazen horns and the throbbing of drums +were borne to him upon the kind breeze, reminding him that the +world was made for joy, and that the Barzee and Potter Dog and +Pony Show was exhibiting in a banlieue not far away. So, thither +he bent his steps--the plentiful funds in his pocket burning hot +holes all the way. He had paid twenty-two cents for the +accordion, and fifteen for candy; he had bought the mercenary +heart of Mitchy-Mitch for two: it certainly follows that there +remained to him of his dollar, sixty-one cents--a fair fortune, +and most unusual. + +Arrived upon the populous and festive scene of the Dog and +Pony Show, he first turned his attention to the brightly +decorated booths which surrounded the tent. The cries of +the peanut vendors, of the popcorn men, of the toy-balloon +sellers, the stirring music of the band, playing before the +performance to attract a crowd, the shouting of excited children +and the barking of the dogs within the tent, all sounded +exhilaratingly in Penrod's ears and set his blood a-tingle. +Nevertheless, he did not squander his money or fling it to the +winds in one grand splurge. Instead, he began cautiously with +the purchase of an extraordinarily large pickle, which he +obtained from an aged negress for his odd cent, too obvious a +bargain to be missed. At an adjacent stand he bought a glass of +raspberry lemonade (so alleged) and sipped it as he ate the +pickle. He left nothing of either. + +Next, he entered a small restaurant-tent and for a modest +nickel was supplied with a fork and a box of sardines, previously +opened, it is true, but more than half full. He consumed the +sardines utterly, but left the tin box and the fork, after which +he indulged in an inexpensive half-pint of lukewarm cider, at one +of the open booths. Mug in hand, a gentle glow radiating toward +his surface from various centres of activity deep inside him, he +paused for breath--and the cool, sweet cadences of the watermelon +man fell delectably upon his ear: + +"Ice-cole WATER-melon; ice-cole water-MELON; the +biggest slice of ICE-cole, ripe, red, ICE-cole, rich an' +rare; the biggest slice of ice-cole watermelon ever cut by +the hand of man! BUY our ICE-cole water-melon?" + +Penrod, having drained the last drop of cider, complied with +the watermelon man's luscious entreaty, and received a round +slice of the fruit, magnificent in circumference and something +over an inch in thickness. Leaving only the really dangerous +part of the rind behind him, he wandered away from the vicinity +of the watermelon man and supplied himself with a bag of peanuts, +which, with the expenditure of a dime for admission, left a +quarter still warm in his pocket. However, he managed to "break" +the coin at a stand inside the tent, where a large, oblong paper +box of popcorn was handed him, with twenty cents change. The box +was too large to go into his pocket, but, having seated himself +among some wistful Polack children, he placed it in his lap and +devoured the contents at leisure during the performance. The +popcorn was heavily larded with partially boiled molasses, and +Penrod sandwiched mouthfuls of peanuts with gobs of this mass +until the peanuts were all gone. After that, he ate with less +avidity; a sense almost of satiety beginning to manifest itself +to him, and it was not until the close of the performance that he +disposed of the last morsel. + +He descended a little heavily to the outflowing crowd in the +arena, and bought a caterwauling toy balloon, but showed no great +enthusiasm in manipulating it. Near the exit, as he came +out, was a hot-waffle stand which he had overlooked, and a sense +of duty obliged him to consume the three waffles, thickly +powdered with sugar, which the waffle man cooked for him upon +command. + +They left a hottish taste in his mouth; they had not been +quite up to his anticipation, indeed, and it was with a sense of +relief that he turned to the "hokey-pokey" cart which stood close +at hand, laden with square slabs of "Neapolitan ice-cream" +wrapped in paper. He thought the ice-cream would be cooling, but +somehow it fell short of the desired effect, and left a peculiar +savour in his throat. + +He walked away, too languid to blow his balloon, and passed a +fresh-taffy booth with strange indifference. A bare-armed man +was manipulating the taffy over a hook, pulling a great white +mass to the desired stage of "candying," but Penrod did not pause +to watch the operation; in fact, he averted his eyes (which were +slightly glazed) in passing. He did not analyze his motives: +simply, he was conscious that he preferred not to look at the +mass of taffy. + +For some reason, he put a considerable distance between +himself and the taffy-stand, but before long halted in the +presence of a red-faced man who flourished a long fork over a +small cooking apparatus and shouted jovially: "Winnies! +HERE'S your hot winnies! Hot winny-WURST! Food for the +over-worked brain, nourishing for the weak stummick, +entertaining for the tired business man! HERE'S your hot +winnies, three for a nickel, a half-a-dime, the twentieth-pot-of- +a-dollah!" + +This, above all nectar and ambrosia, was the favourite dish +of Penrod Schofield. Nothing inside him now craved it--on the +contrary! But memory is the great hypnotist; his mind argued +against his inwards that opportunity knocked at his door: "winny- +wurst" was rigidly forbidden by the home authorities. Besides, +there was a last nickel in his pocket; and nature protested +against its survival. Also, the redfaced man had himself +proclaimed his wares nourishing for the weak stummick. + +Penrod placed the nickel in the red hand of the red-faced +man. + +He ate two of the three greasy, cigarlike shapes cordially +pressed upon him in return. The first bite convinced him that he +had made a mistake; these winnies seemed of a very inferior +flavour, almost unpleasant, in fact. But he felt obliged to +conceal his poor opinion of them, for fear of offending the red- +faced man. He ate without haste or eagerness--so slowly, indeed, +that he began to think the redfaced man might dislike him, as a +deterrent of trade. Perhaps Penrod's mind was not working well, +for he failed to remember that no law compelled him to remain +under the eye of the red-faced man, but the virulent repulsion +excited by his attempt to take a bite of the third sausage +inspired him with at least an excuse for postponement. + +"Mighty good," he murmured feebly, placing the sausage in the +pocket of his jacket with a shaking hand. "Guess I'll save this +one to eat at home, after--after dinner." + +He moved sluggishly away, wishing he had not thought of +dinner. A side-show, undiscovered until now, failed to arouse +his interest, not even exciting a wish that he had known of its +existence when he had money. For a time he stared without +attraction; the weather-worn colours conveying no meaning to +comprehension at a huge canvas poster depicting the chief his +torpid eye. Then, little by little, the poster became more vivid +to his consciousness. There was a greenish-tinted person in the +tent, it seemed, who thrived upon a reptilian diet. + +Suddenly, Penrod decided that it was time to go home. + + + +CHAPTER XX +BROTHERS OF ANGELS + +"Indeed, doctor," said Mrs. Schofield, with agitation and +profound conviction, just after eight o'clock that evening, "I +shall ALWAYS believe in mustard plasters--mustard plasters and +hot--water bags. If it hadn't been for them I don't believed +he'd have LIVED till you got here--I do NOT!" + +"Margaret," called Mr. Schofield from the open door of a +bedroom, "Margaret, where did you put that aromatic ammonia? +Where's Margaret?" + +But he had to find the aromatic spirits of ammonia himself, +for Margaret was not in the house. She stood in the shadow +beneath a maple tree near the street corner, a guitar- +case in her hand; and she scanned with anxiety a briskly +approaching figure. The arc light, swinging above, revealed this +figure as that of him she awaited. He was passing toward the +gate without seeing her, when she arrested him with a fateful +whisper. + +"BOB!" + +Mr. Robert Williams swung about hastily. "Why, Margaret!" + +"Here, take your guitar," she whispered hurriedly. "I was +afraid if father happened to find it he'd break it all to +pieces!" + +"What for?" asked the startled Robert. + +"Because I'm sure he knows it's yours." "But what----" + +"Oh, Bob," she moaned, "I was waiting here to tell you. I +was so afraid you'd try to come in----" + +"TRY!" exclaimed the unfortunate young man, quite +dumfounded. "TRY to come----" + +"Yes, before I warned you. I've been waiting here to tell +you, Bob, you mustn't come near the house if I were you I'd stay +away from even this neighbourhood--far away! For a while I don't +think it would be actually SAFE for----" + +"Margaret, will you please----" + +"It's all on account of that dollar you gave Penrod this +morning," she walled. "First, he bought that horrible concertina +that made papa so furious "But Penrod didn't tell that +I----" + +"Oh, wait!" she cried lamentably. "Listen! He didn't tell +at lunch, but he got home about dinner-time in the most--well! +I've seen pale people before, but nothing like Penrod. Nobody +could IMAGINE it--not unless they'd seen him! And he looked, +so STRANGE, and kept making such unnatural faces, and at +first all he would say was that he'd eaten a little piece of +apple and thought it must have some microbes on it. But he got +sicker and sicker, and we put him to bed--and then we all thought +he was going to die--and, of COURSE, no little piece of apple +would have--well, and he kept getting worse and then he said he'd +had a dollar. He said he'd spent it for the concertina, and +watermelon, and chocolate-creams, and licorice sticks, and lemon- +drops, and peanuts, and jaw-breakers, and sardines, and raspberry +lemonade, and pickles, and popcorn, and ice-cream, and cider, and +sausage--there was sausage in his pocket, and mamma says his +jacket is ruined--and cinnamon drops--and waffles--and he ate +four or five lobster croquettes at lunch--and papa said, `Who +gave you that dollar?' Only he didn't say `WHO'--he said +something horrible, Bob! And Penrod thought he was going to die, +and he said you gave it to him, and oh! it was just pitiful to +hear the poor child, Bob, because he thought he was dying, you +see, and he blamed you for the whole thing. He said if you'd +only let him alone and not given it to him, he'd have grown +up to be a good man--and now he couldn't! I never heard anything +so heart-rending--he was so weak he could hardly whisper, but he +kept trying to talk, telling us over and over it was all your +fault." + +In the darkness Mr. Williams' facial expression could not be +seen, but his voice sounded hopeful. + +"Is he--is he still in a great deal of pain?" + +"They say the crisis is past," said Margaret, "but the +doctor's still up there. He said it was the acutest case of +indigestion he had ever treated in the whole course of his +professional practice." + +"Of course _I_ didn't know what he'd do with the dollar," +said Robert. + +She did not reply. + +He began plaintively, "Margaret, you don't----" + +"I've never seen papa and mamma so upset about anything," she +said, rather primly. + +"You mean they're upset about ME?" + +"We ARE all very much upset," returned Margaret, more +starch in her tone as she remembered not only Penrod's sufferings +but a duty she had vowed herself to perform. + +"Margaret! YOU don't----" + +"Robert," she said firmly and, also, with a rhetorical +complexity which breeds a suspicion of pre-rehearsal--"Robert, +for the present I can only look at it in one way: when you gave +that money to Penrod you put into the hands of an unthinking +little child a weapon which might be, and, indeed was, the means +of his undoing. Boys are not respon----" + +"But you saw me give him the dollar, and you didn't----" + +"Robert!" she checked him with increasing severity. "I am +only a woman and not accustomed to thinking everything out on the +spur of the moment; but I cannot change my mind. Not now, at +least." + +"And you think I'd better not come in to-night?" + +"To-night!" she gasped. "Not for WEEKS! Papa would----" + +"But Margaret," he urged plaintively, "how can you blame me +for----" + +"I have not used the word `blame,'" she interrupted. "But I +must insist that for your carelessness to--to wreak such havoc-- +cannot fail to--to lessen my confidence in your powers of +judgment. I cannot change my convictions in this matter--not to- +night--and I cannot remain here another instant. The poor child +may need me. Robert, good-night." + +With chill dignity she withdrew, entered the house, and +returned to the sick-room, leaving the young man in outer +darkness to brood upon his crime--and upon Penrod. + + +That sincere invalid became convalescent upon the third day; +and a week elapsed, then, before he found an opportunity to +leave the house unaccompanied--save by Duke. But at last he set +forth and approached the Jones neighbourhood in high spirits, +pleasantly conscious of his pallor, hollow cheeks, and other +perquisites of illness provocative of interest. + +One thought troubled him a little because it gave him a sense +of inferiority to a rival. He believed, against his will, that +Maurice Levy could have successfully eaten chocolate-creams, +licorice sticks, lemon-drops, jaw-breakers, peanuts, waffles, +lobster croquettes, sardines, cinnamon-drops, watermelon, +pickles, popcorn, ice-cream and sausage with raspberry lemonade +and cider. Penrod had admitted to himself that Maurice could do +it and afterward attend to business, or pleasure, without the +slightest discomfort; and this was probably no more than a fair +estimate of one of the great constitutions of all time. As a +digester, Maurice Levy would have disappointed a Borgia. + +Fortunately, Maurice was still at Atlantic City--and now the +convalescent's heart leaped. In the distance he saw Marjorie +coming--in pink again, with a ravishing little parasol over her +head. And alone! No Mitchy-Mitch was to mar this meeting. + +Penrod increased the feebleness of his steps, now and then +leaning upon the fence as if for support. + +"How do you do, Marjorie?" he said, in his best sick-room +voice, as she came near. + +To his pained amazement, she proceeded on her way, her nose +at a celebrated elevation--an icy nose. + +She cut him dead. + +He threw his invalid's airs to the winds, and hastened after +her. + +"Marjorie," he pleaded, "what's the matter? Are you mad? +Honest, that day you said to come back next morning, and you'd be +on the corner, I was sick. Honest, I was AWFUL sick, +Marjorie! I had to have the doctor----" + +"DOCTOR!" She whirled upon him, her lovely eyes blazing. + +"I guess WE'VE had to have the doctor enough at OUR +house, thanks to you, Mister Penrod Schofield. Papa says you +haven't got NEAR sense enough to come in out of the rain, +after what you did to poor little Mitchy-Mitch----" + +"What?" + +"Yes, and he's sick in bed YET!" Marjorie went on, with +unabated fury. "And papa says if he ever catches you in this +part of town----" + +"WHAT'D I do to Mitchy-Mitch?" gasped Penrod. + +"You know well enough what you did to Mitchy-Mitch!" she +cried. "You gave him that great, big, nasty two-cent piece!" + +"Well, what of it?" + +"Mitchy-Mitch swallowed it!" + +"What!" + +"And papa says if he ever just lays eyes on you, once, in +this neighbourhood----" + +But Penrod had started for home. + +In his embittered heart there was increasing a critical +disapproval of the Creator's methods. When He made pretty girls, +thought Penrod, why couldn't He have left out their little +brothers! + + + +CHAPTER XXI +RUPE COLLINS + +For several days after this, Penrod thought of growing up to be a +monk, and engaged in good works so far as to carry some kittens +(that otherwise would have been drowned) and a pair of Margaret's +outworn dancing-slippers to a poor, ungrateful old man sojourning +in a shed up the alley. And although Mr. Robert Williams, after +a very short interval, began to leave his guitar on the front +porch again, exactly as if he thought nothing had happened, +Penrod, with his younger vision of a father's mood, remained +coldly distant from the Jones neighbourhood. With his own family +his manner was gentle, proud and sad, but not for long +enough to frighten them. The change came with mystifying +abruptness at the end of the week. + +It was Duke who brought it about. + +Duke could chase a much bigger dog out of the Schofields' +yard and far down the street. This might be thought to indicate +unusual valour on the part of Duke and cowardice on that of the +bigger dogs whom he undoubtedly put to rout. On the contrary, +all such flights were founded in mere superstition, for dogs are +even more superstitious than boys and coloured people; and the +most firmly established of all dog superstitions is that any +dog--be he the smallest and feeblest in the world--can whip any +trespasser whatsoever. + +A rat-terrier believes that on his home grounds he can whip +an elephant. It follows, of course, that a big dog, away from +his own home, will run from a little dog in the little dog's +neighbourhood. Otherwise, the big dog must face a charge of +inconsistency, and dogs are as consistent as they are +superstitious. A dog believes in war, but he is convinced that +there are times when it is moral to run; and the thoughtful +physiognomist, seeing a big dog fleeing out of a little dog's +yard, must observe that the expression of the big dog's face is +more conscientious than alarmed: it is the expression of a person +performing a duty to himself. + +Penrod understood these matters perfectly; he knew that +the gaunt brown hound Duke chased up the alley had fled only out +of deference to a custom, yet Penrod could not refrain from +bragging of Duke to the hound's owner, a fat-faced stranger of +twelve or thirteen, who had wandered into the neighbourhood. + +"You better keep that ole yellow dog o' yours back," said +Penrod ominously, as he climbed the fence. "You better catch him +and hold him till I get mine inside the yard again. Duke's +chewed up some pretty bad bulldogs around here." + +The fat-faced boy gave Penrod a fishy stare. "You'd oughta +learn him not to do that," he said. "It'll make him sick." + +"What will?" + +The stranger laughed raspingly and gazed up the alley, where +the hound, having come to a halt, now coolly sat down, and, with +an expression of roguish benevolence, patronizingly watched the +tempered fury of Duke, whose assaults and barkings were becoming +perfunctory. + +"What'll make Duke sick?" Penrod demanded. + +"Eatin' dead bulldogs people leave around here." + +This was not improvisation but formula, adapted from other +occasions to the present encounter; nevertheless, it was new to +Penrod, and he was so taken with it that resentment lost itself +in admiration. Hastily committing the gem to memory for use upon +a dog-owning friend, he inquired in a sociable tone: + +"What's your dog's name?" + +"Dan. You better call your ole pup, 'cause Dan eats LIVE +dogs." + +Dan's actions poorly supported his master's assertion, for, +upon Duke's ceasing to bark, Dan rose and showed the most +courteous interest in making the little, old dog's acquaintance. +Dan had a great deal of manner, and it became plain that Duke was +impressed favourably in spite of former prejudice, so that +presently the two trotted amicably back to their masters and sat +down with the harmonious but indifferent air of having known each +other intimately for years. + +They were received without comment, though both boys looked +at them reflectively for a time. It was Penrod who spoke first. + +"What number you go to?" (In an "oral lesson in English," +Penrod had been instructed to put this question in another form: +"May I ask which of our public schools you attend?") + +"Me? What number do I go to?" said the stranger, +contemptuously. "I don't go to NO number in vacation!" + +"I mean when it ain't." + +"Third," returned the fat-faced boy. "I got 'em ALL +scared in THAT school." + +"What of?" innocently asked Penrod, to whom "the Third"--in a +distant part of town--was undiscovered country. + +"What of? I guess you'd soon see what of, if you ever +was in that school about one day. You'd be lucky if you got out +alive!" + +"Are the teachers mean?" + +The other boy frowned with bitter scorn. "Teachers! +Teachers don't order ME around, I can tell you! They're +mighty careful how they try to run over Rupe Collins." + +"Who's Rupe Collins?" + +"Who is he?" echoed the fat-faced boy incredulously. "Say, +ain't you got ANY sense?" + +"What?" + +"Say, wouldn't you be just as happy if you had SOME +sense?" + +"Ye-es." Penrod's answer, like the look he lifted to the +impressive stranger, was meek and placative. "Rupe Collins is +the principal at your school, guess." + +The other yelled with jeering laughter, and mocked Penrod's +manner and voice. "`Rupe Collins is the principal at your +school, I guess!'" He laughed harshly again, then suddenly +showed truculence. "Say, 'bo, whyn't you learn enough to go in +the house when it rains? What's the matter of you, anyhow?" + +"Well," urged Penrod timidly, "nobody ever TOLD me who +Rupe Collins is: I got a RIGHT to think he's the principal, +haven't I?" + +The fat-faced boy shook his head disgustedly. "Honest, you +make me sick!" + +Penrod's expression became one of despair. Well, who IS +he?" he cried. + +"`Who IS he?'" mocked the other, with a scorn that +withered. "`Who IS he?' ME!" + +"Oh!" Penrod was humiliated but relieved: he felt that he had +proved himself criminally ignorant, yet a peril seemed to have +passed. "Rupe Collins is your name, then, I guess. I kind of +thought it was, all the time." + +The fat-faced boy still appeared embittered, burlesquing this +speech in a hateful falsetto. "`Rupe Collins is YOUR name, +then, I guess!' Oh, you `kind of thought it was, all the time,' +did you?" Suddenly concentrating his brow into a histrionic +scowl he thrust his face within an inch of Penrod's. "Yes, +sonny, Rupe Collins is my name, and you better look out what you +say when he's around or you'll get in big trouble! YOU +UNDERSTAND THAT, 'BO?" + +Penrod was cowed but fascinated: he felt that there was +something dangerous and dashing about this newcomer. + +"Yes," he said, feebly, drawing back. "My name's Penrod +Schofield." + +"Then I reckon your father and mother ain't got good sense," +said Mr. Collins promptly, this also being formula. + +"Why?" + +"'Cause if they had they'd of give you a good name!" And the +agreeable youth instantly rewarded himself for the wit with +another yell of rasping laughter, after which he pointed suddenly +at Penrod's right hand. + +"Where'd you get that wart on your finger?" he demanded +severely. + +"Which finger?" asked the mystified Penrod, extending his +hand. + +"The middle one." + +"Where?" + +"There!" exclaimed Rupe Collins, seizing and vigorously +twisting the wartless finger naively offered for his inspection. + +"Quit!" shouted Penrod in agony. "QUEE-yut!" + +"Say your prayers!" commanded Rupe, and continued to twist +the luckless finger until Penrod writhed to his knees. + +"OW!" The victim, released, looked grievously upon the +still painful finger. + +At this Rupe's scornful expression altered to one of +contrition. "Well, I declare!" he exclaimed remorsefully. "I +didn't s'pose it would hurt. Turn about's fair play; so now you +do that to me." + +He extended the middle finger of his left hand and Penrod +promptly seized it, but did not twist it, for he was instantly +swung round with his back to his amiable new acquaintance: Rupe's +right hand operated upon the back of Penrod's slender neck; +Rupe's knee tortured the small of Penrod's back. + +"OW!" Penrod bent far forward involuntarily and went to +his knees again. + +"Lick dirt," commanded Rupe, forcing the captive's face to +the sidewalk; and the suffering Penrod completed this ceremony. + +Mr. Collins evinced satisfaction by means of his horse laugh. + +"You'd last jest about one day up at the Third!" he said. "You'd +come runnin' home, yellin' `MOM-MUH, MOM-muh,' before recess +was over!" + +"No, I wouldn't," Penrod protested rather weakly, dusting his +knees. + +"You would, too!" + +"No, I w---- + +"Looky here," said the fat-faced boy, darkly, "what you mean, +counterdicking me?" + +He advanced a step and Penrod hastily qualified his +contradiction. + +"I mean, I don't THINK I would. I----" + +"You better look out!" Rupe moved closer, and unexpectedly +grasped the back of Penrod's neck again. "Say, `I WOULD run +home yellin' "MOM-muh!" + +"Ow! I WOULD run home yellin' `Mom-muh.'" + +"There!" said Rupe, giving the helpless nape a final squeeze. +"That's the way we do up at the Third." + +Penrod rubbed his neck and asked meekly: + +"Can you do that to any boy up at the Third?" + +"See here now," said Rupe, in the tone of one goaded beyond +all endurance, "YOU say if I can! You better say it quick, +or----" + +"I knew you could," Penrod interposed hastily, with the +pathetic semblance of a laugh. "I only said that in fun." + +"In `fun'!" repeated Rupe stormily. "You better look out how +you----" + +"Well, I SAID I wasn't in earnest!" Penrod retreated a +few steps. "_I_ knew you could, all the time. I expect _I_ +could do it to some of the boys up at the Third, myself. +Couldn't I?" + +"No, you couldn't." + +"Well, there must be SOME boy up there that I could----" + +"No, they ain't! You better----" + +"I expect not, then," said Penrod, quickly. + +"You BETTER `expect not.' Didn't I tell you once you'd +never get back alive if you ever tried to come up around the +Third? You want me to SHOW you how we do up there, 'bo?" + +He began a slow and deadly advance, whereupon Penrod timidly +offered a diversion: + +"Say, Rupe, I got a box of rats in our stable under a glass +cover, so you can watch 'em jump around when you hammer on the +box. Come on and look at 'em." + +"All right," said the fat-faced boy, slightly mollified. +"We'll let Dan kill 'em." + +"No, SIR! I'm goin' to keep 'em. They're kind of pets; +I've had 'em all summer--I got names for em, and----" + +"Looky here, 'bo. Did you hear me say we'll let `Dan kill +'em?" + +"Yes, but I won't----" + +"WHAT won't you?" Rupe became sinister immediately. "It +seems to me you're gettin' pretty fresh around here." + +"Well, I don't want----" + +Mr. Collins once more brought into play the dreadful eye-to- +eye scowl as practised "up at the Third," and, sometimes, also by +young leading men upon the stage. Frowning appallingly, and +thrusting forward his underlip, he placed his nose almost in +contact with the nose of Penrod, whose eyes naturally became +crossed. + +"Dan kills the rats. See?" hissed the fat-faced boy, +maintaining the horrible juxtaposition. + +"Well, all right," said Penrod, swallowing. "I don't want +'em much." And when the pose had been relaxed, he stared at his +new friend for a moment, almost with reverence. Then he +brightened. + +"Come on, Rupe!" he cried enthusiastically, as he climbed the +fence. "We'll give our dogs a little live meat--'bo!" + + + +CHAPTER XXII +THE IMITATOR + +At the dinner-table, that evening, Penrod Surprised his family by +remarking, in a voice they had never heard him attempt--a law- +giving voice of intentional gruffness: + +"Any man that's makin' a hunderd dollars a month is makin' +good money." + +"What?" asked Mr. Schofield, staring, for the previous +conversation had concerned the illness of an infant relative in +Council Bluffs. + +"Any man that's makin' a hunderd dollars a month is makin' +good money." + +"What IS he talking about!" Margaret appealed to the +invisible. + +"Well," said Penrod, frowning, "that's what foremen at the +ladder works get." + +"How in the world do you know?" asked his mother. + +"Well, I KNOW it! A hunderd dollars a month is good +money, I tell you!" + +"Well, what of it?" said the father, impatiently. + +"Nothin'. I only said it was good money." + +Mr. Schofield shook his head, dismissing the subject; and +here he made a mistake: he should have followed up his son's +singular contribution to the conversation. That would have +revealed the fact that there was a certain Rupe Collins whose +father was a foreman at the ladder works. All clues are +important when a boy makes his first remark in a new key. + +"`Good money'?" repeated Margaret, curiously. "What is +`good' money?" + +Penrod turned upon her a stern glance. "Say, wouldn't you be +just as happy if you had SOME sense?" + +"Penrod!" shouted his father. But Penrod's mother gazed with +dismay at her son: he had never before spoken like that to his +sister. + +Mrs. Schofield might have been more dismayed than she was, if +she had realized that it was the beginning of an epoch. After +dinner, Penrod was slightly scalded in the back as the result of +telling Della, the cook, that there was a wart on the middle +finger of her right hand. Della thus proving poor material for +his new manner to work upon, he approached Duke, in the backyard, +and, bending double, seized the lowly animal by the forepaws. + +"I let you know my name's Penrod Schofield," hissed the boy. +He protruded his underlip ferociously, scowled, and thrust +forward his head until his nose touched the dog's. "And you +better look out when Penrod Schofield's around, or you'll get in +big trouble! YOU UNDERSTAN' THAT, 'BO?" + +The next day, and the next, the increasing change in Penrod +puzzled and distressed his family, who had no idea of its source. + +How might they guess that hero-worship takes such forms? They +were vaguely conscious that a rather shabby boy, not of the +neighbourhood, came to "play" with Penrod several times; but they +failed to connect this circumstance with the peculiar behaviour +of the son of the house, whose ideals (his father remarked) +seemed to have suddenly become identical with those of Gyp the +Blood. + +Meanwhile, for Penrod himself, "life had taken on new +meaning, new richness." He had become a fighting man--in +conversation at least. "Do you want to know how I do when they +try to slip up on me from behind?" he asked Della. And he +enacted for her unappreciative eye a scene of fistic manoeuvres +wherein he held an imaginary antagonist helpless in a net of +stratagems. + +Frequently, when he was alone, he would outwit, and pummel +this same enemy, and, after a cunning feint, land a dolorous +stroke full upon a face of air. "There! I guess you'll know +better next time. That's the way we do up at the Third!" + +Sometimes, in solitary pantomime, he encountered more than +one opponent at a time, for numbers were apt to come upon him +treacherously, especially at a little after his rising hour, when +he might be caught at a disadvantage--perhaps standing on one leg +to encase the other in his knickerbockers. Like lightning, he +would hurl the trapping garment from him, and, ducking and +pivoting, deal great sweeping blows among the circle of sneaking +devils. (That was how he broke the clock in his bedroom.) And +while these battles were occupying his attention, it was a waste +of voice to call him to breakfast, though if his mother, losing +patience, came to his room, she would find him seated on the bed +pulling at a stocking. "Well, ain't I coming fast as I CAN?" + +At the table and about the house generally he was bumptious, +loud with fatuous misinformation, and assumed a domineering tone, +which neither satire nor reproof seemed able to reduce: but it +was among his own intimates that his new superiority was most +outrageous. He twisted the fingers and squeezed the necks of all +the boys of the neighbourhood, meeting their indignation with a +hoarse and rasping laugh he had acquired after short practice in +the stable, where he jeered and taunted the lawn-mower, the +garden-scythe and the wheelbarrow quite out of countenance. + +Likewise he bragged to the other boys by the hour, Rupe +Collins being the chief subject of encomium--next to Penrod +himself. "That's the way we do up at the Third," became staple +explanation of violence, for Penrod, like Tartarin, was plastic +in the hands of his own imagination, and at times convinced +himself that he really was one of those dark and murderous +spirits exclusively of whom "the Third" was composed--according +to Rupe Collins. + +Then, when Penrod had exhausted himself repeating to nausea +accounts of the prowess of himself and his great friend, he would +turn to two other subjects for vainglory. These were his father +and Duke. + +Mothers must accept the fact that between babyhood and +manhood their sons do not boast of them. The boy, with boys, is +a Choctaw; and either the influence or the protection of women is +shameful. "Your mother won't let you," is an insult. But, "My +father won't let me," is a dignified explanation and cannot be +hooted. A boy is ruined among his fellows if he talks much of +his mother or sisters; and he must recognize it as his duty to +offer at least the appearance of persecution to all things ranked +as female, such as cats and every species of fowl. But he must +champion his father and his dog, and, ever, ready to pit +either against any challenger, must picture both as ravening for +battle and absolutely unconquerable. + +Penrod, of course, had always talked by the code, but, under +the new stimulus, Duke was represented virtually as a cross +between Bob, Son of Battle, and a South American vampire; and +this in spite of the fact that Duke himself often sat close by, a +living lie, with the hope of peace in his heart. As for Penrod's +father, that gladiator was painted as of sentiments and +dimensions suitable to a super-demon composed of equal parts of +Goliath, Jack Johnson and the Emperor Nero. + +Even Penrod's walk was affected; he adopted a gait which was +a kind of taunting swagger; and, when he passed other children on +the street, he practised the habit of feinting a blow; then, as +the victim dodged, he rasped the triumphant horse laugh which he +gradually mastered to horrible perfection. He did this to +Marjorie Jones--ay! this was their next meeting, and such is +Eros, young! What was even worse, in Marjorie's opinion, he went +on his way without explanation, and left her standing on the +corner talking about it, long after he was out of hearing. + +Within five days from his first encounter with Rupe Collins, +Penrod had become unbearable. He even almost alienated Sam +Williams, who for a time submitted to finger twisting and neck +squeezing and the new style of conversation, but finally +declared that Penrod made him "sick." He made the statement with +fervour, one sultry afternoon, in Mr. Schofield's stable, in the +presence of Herman and Verman. + +"You better look out, 'bo," said Penrod, threateningly. +"I'll show you a little how we do up at the Third." + +"Up at the Third!" Sam repeated with scorn. "You haven't +ever been up there." + +"I haven't?" cried Penrod. "I HAVEN'T?" + +"No, you haven't!" + +"Looky here!" Penrod, darkly argumentative, prepared to +perform the eye-to-eye business. "When haven't I been up there?" + +"You haven't NEVER been up there!" In spite of Penrod's +closely approaching nose Sam maintained his ground, and appealed +for confirmation. "Has he, Herman?" + +"I don' reckon so," said Herman, laughing. + +"WHAT!" Penrod transferred his nose to the immediate +vicinity of Herman's nose. "You don't reckon so, 'bo, don't you? +You better look out how you reckon around here! YOU +UNDERSTAN' THAT, 'BO?" + +Herman bore the eye-to-eye very well; indeed, it seemed to +please him, for he continued to laugh while Verman chuckled +delightedly. The brothers had been in the country picking +berries for a week, and it happened that this was their +first experience of the new manifestation of Penrod. + +"HAVEN'T I been up at the Third?" the sinister Penrod +demanded. + +"I don' reckon so. How come you ast ME?" + +"Didn't you just hear me SAY I been up there?" + +"Well," said Herman mischievously, "hearin' ain't believin'!" + +Penrod clutched him by the back of the neck, but Herman, +laughing loudly, ducked and released himself at once, retreating +to the wall. + +"You take that back!" Penrod shouted, striking out wildly. + +"Don' git mad," begged the small darky, while a number of +blows falling upon his warding arms failed to abate his +amusement, and a sound one upon the cheek only made him laugh the +more unrestrainedly. He behaved exactly as if Penrod were +tickling him, and his brother, Verman, rolled with joy in a +wheelbarrow. Penrod pummelled till he was tired, and produced no +greater effect. + +"There!" he panted, desisting finally. "NOW I reckon you +know whether I been up there or not!" + +Herman rubbed his smitten cheek. "Pow!" he exclaimed. "Pow- +ee! You cert'ny did lan' me good one NAT time! Oo-ee! she +HURT!" + +"You'll get hurt worse'n that," Penrod assured him, "if you +stay around here much. Rupe Collins is comin' this afternoon, he +said. We're goin' to make some policemen's billies out of +the rake handle." + +"You go' spoil new rake you' pa bought?" + +"What do WE care? I and Rupe got to have billies, +haven't we?" + +"How you make 'em?" + +"Melt lead and pour in a hole we're goin' to make in the end +of 'em. Then we're goin' to carry 'em in our pockets, and if +anybody says anything to us--OH, oh! look out! They won't +get a crack on the head--OH, no!" + +"When's Rupe Collins coming?" Sam Williams inquired rather +uneasily. He had heard a great deal too much of this personage, +but as yet the pleasure of actual acquaintance had been denied +him. + +"He's liable to be here any time," answered Penrod. "You +better look out. You'll be lucky if you get home alive, if you +stay till HE comes." + +"I ain't afraid of him," Sam returned, conventionally. + +"You are, too!" (There was some truth in the retort.) +"There ain't any boy in this part of town but me that wouldn't be +afraid of him. You'd be afraid to talk to him. You wouldn't get +a word out of your mouth before old Rupie'd have you where you'd +wished you never come around HIM, lettin' on like you was so +much! YOU wouldn't run home yellin' `Mom-muh' or nothin'! +OH, no!" + +"Who Rupe Collins?" asked Herman. + +"`Who Rupe Collins?'" Penrod mocked, and used his rasping +laugh, but, instead of showing fright, Herman appeared to think +he was meant to laugh, too; and so he did, echoed by Verman. +"You just hang around here a little while longer," Penrod added, +grimly, "and you'll find out who Rupe Collins is, and I pity +YOU when you do!" + +"What he go' do?" + +"You'll see; that's all! You just wait and----" + +At this moment a brown hound ran into the stable through the +alley door, wagged a greeting to Penrod, and fraternized with +Duke. The fat-faced boy appeared upon the threshold and gazed +coldly about the little company in the carriage-house, whereupon +the coloured brethren, ceasing from merriment, were instantly +impassive, and Sam Williams moved a little nearer the door +leading into the yard. + +Obviously, Sam regarded the newcomer as a redoubtable if not +ominous figure. He was a head taller than either Sam or Penrod; +head and shoulders taller than Herman, who was short for his age; +and Verman could hardly be used for purposes of comparison at +all, being a mere squat brown spot, not yet quite nine years on +this planet. And to Sam's mind, the aspect of Mr. Collins +realized Penrod's portentous foreshadowings. Upon the fat face +there was an expression of truculent intolerance which had been +cultivated by careful habit to such perfection that Sam's heart +sank at sight of it. A somewhat enfeebled twin to this +expression had of late often decorated the visage of Penrod, and +appeared upon that ingenuous surface now, as he advanced to +welcome the eminent visitor. + +The host swaggered toward the door with a great deal of +shoulder movement, carelessly feinting a slap at Verman in +passing, and creating by various means the atmosphere of a man +who has contemptuously amused himself with underlings while +awaiting an equal. + +"Hello, 'bo!" Penrod said in the deepest voice possible to +him. + +"Who you callin' 'bo?" was the ungracious response, +accompanied by immediate action of a similar nature. Rupe held +Penrod's head in the crook of an elbow and massaged his temples +with a hard-pressing knuckle. + +"I was only in fun, Rupie," pleaded the sufferer, and then, +being set free, "Come here, Sam," he said. + +"What for?" + +Penrod laughed pityingly. "Pshaw, I ain't goin' to hurt you. +Come on." Sam, maintaining his position near the other door, +Penrod went to him and caught him round the neck. + +"Watch me, Rupie!" Penrod called, and performed upon Sam the +knuckle operation which he had himself just undergone, Sam +submitting mechanically, his eyes fixed with increasing +uneasiness upon Rupe Collins. Sam had a premonition that +something even more painful than Penrod's knuckle was going +to be inflicted upon him. + +"THAT don' hurt," said Penrod, pushing him away. + +"Yes, it does, too!" Sam rubbed his temple. + +"Puh! It didn't hurt me, did it, Rupie? Come on in, Rupe: +show this baby where he's got a wart on his finger." + +"You showed me that trick," Sam objected. "You already did +that to me. You tried it twice this afternoon and I don't know +how many times before, only you weren't strong enough after the +first time. Anyway, I know what it is, and I don't----" + +"Come on, Rupe," said Penrod. "Make the baby lick dirt." + +At this bidding, Rupe approached, while Sam, still +protesting, moved to the threshold of the outer door; but Penrod +seized him by the shoulders and swung him indoors with a shout. + +"Little baby wants to run home to its Mom-muh! Here he is, +Rupie." + +Thereupon was Penrod's treachery to an old comrade properly +rewarded, for as the two struggled, Rupe caught each by the back +of the neck, simultaneously, and, with creditable impartiality, +forced both boys to their knees. + +"Lick dirt!" he commanded, forcing them still forward, until +their faces were close to the stable floor. + +At this moment he received a real surprise. With a loud +whack something struck the back of his head, and, turning, he +beheld Verman in the act of lifting a piece of lath to strike +again. + +"Em moys ome!" said Verman, the Giant Killer. + +"He tongue-tie'," Herman explained. "He say, let 'em boys +alone." + +Rupe addressed his host briefly: + +"Chase them nigs out o' here!" + +"Don' call me nig," said Herman. "I mine my own biznuss. +You let 'em boys alone." + +Rupe strode across the still prostrate Sam, stepped upon +Penrod, and, equipping his countenance with the terrifying scowl +and protruded jaw, lowered his head to the level of Herman's. + +"Nig, you'll be lucky if you leave here alive!" And he +leaned forward till his nose was within less than an inch of +Herman's nose. + +It could be felt that something awful was about to happen, +and Penrod, as he rose from the floor, suffered an unexpected +twinge of apprehension and remorse: he hoped that Rupe wouldn't +REALLY hurt Herman. A sudden dislike of Rupe and Rupe's ways +rose within him, as he looked at the big boy overwhelming the +little darky with that ferocious scowl. Penrod, all at once, +felt sorry about something indefinable; and, with equal +vagueness, he felt foolish. "Come on, Rupe," he suggested, +feebly, "let Herman go, and let's us make our billies out of the +rake handle." + +The rake handle, however, was not available, if Rupe had +inclined to favour the suggestion. Verman had discarded his lath +for the rake, which he was at this moment lifting in the air. + +"You ole black nigger," the fat-faced boy said venomously to +Herman, "I'm agoin' to----" + +But he had allowed his nose to remain too long near Herman's. + +Penrod's familiar nose had been as close with only a ticklish +spinal effect upon the not very remote descendant of Congo man- +eaters. The result produced by the glare of Rupe's unfamiliar +eyes, and by the dreadfully suggestive proximity of Rupe's +unfamiliar nose, was altogether different. Herman's and Verman's +Bangala great-grandfathers never considered people of their own +jungle neighbourhood proper material for a meal, but they looked +upon strangers especially truculent strangers--as distinctly +edible. + +Penrod and Sam heard Rupe suddenly squawk and bellow; saw him +writhe and twist and fling out his arms like flails, though +without removing his face from its juxtaposition; indeed, for a +moment, the two heads seemed even closer. + +Then they separated--and battle was on! + + + +CHAPTER XXIII +COLOURED TROOPS IN ACTION + +How neat and pure is the task of the chronicler who has the tale +to tell of a "good rousing fight" between boys or men who fight +in the "good old English way," according to a model set for +fights in books long before Tom Brown went to Rugby. There are +seconds and rounds and rules of fair-play, and always there is +great good feeling in the end--though sometimes, to vary the +model, "the Butcher" defeats the hero--and the chronicler who +stencils this fine old pattern on his page is certain of applause +as the stirrer of "red blood." There is no surer recipe. + +But when Herman and Verman set to 't the record must be no +more than a few fragments left by the expurgator. It has been +perhaps sufficiently suggested that the altercation in Mr. +Schofield's stable opened with mayhem in respect to the +aggressor's nose. Expressing vocally his indignation and the +extremity of his pained surprise, Mr. Collins stepped backward, +holding his left hand over his nose, and striking at Herman with +his right. Then Verman hit him with the rake. + +Verman struck from behind. He struck as hard as he could. +And he struck with the tines down--For, in his simple, direct +African way he wished to kill his enemy, and he wished to kill +him as soon as possible. That was his single, earnest purpose. + +On this account, Rupe Collins was peculiarly unfortunate. He +was plucky and he enjoyed conflict, but neither his ambitions nor +his anticipations had ever included murder. He had not learned +that an habitually aggressive person runs the danger of colliding +with beings in one of those lower stages of evolution wherein +theories about "hitting below the belt" have not yet made their +appearance. + +The rake glanced from the back of Rupe's head to his +shoulder, but it felled him. Both darkies jumped full upon him +instantly, and the three rolled and twisted upon the stable- +floor, unloosing upon the air sincere maledictions closely +connected with complaints of cruel and unusual treatment; while +certain expressions of feeling presently emanating from +Herman and Verman indicated that Rupe Collins, in this extremity, +was proving himself not too slavishly addicted to fighting by +rule. Dan and Duke, mistaking all for mirth, barked gayly. + +From the panting, pounding, yelling heap issued words and +phrases hitherto quite unknown to Penrod and Sam; also, a hoarse +repetition in the voice of Rupe concerning his ear left it not to +be doubted that additional mayhem was taking place. Appalled, +the two spectators retreated to the doorway nearest the yard, +where they stood dumbly watching the cataclysm. + +The struggle increased in primitive simplicity: time and +again the howling Rupe got to his knees only to go down again as +the earnest brothers, in their own way, assisted him to a more +reclining position. Primal forces operated here, and the two +blanched, slightly higher products of evolution, Sam and Penrod, +no more thought of interfering than they would have thought of +interfering with an earthquake. + +At last, out of the ruck rose Verman, disfigured and +maniacal. With a wild eye he looked about him for his trusty +rake; but Penrod, in horror, had long since thrown the rake out +into the yard. Naturally, it had not seemed necessary to remove +the lawn-mower. + +The frantic eye of Verman fell upon the lawn-mower, and +instantly he leaped to its handle. Shrilling a wordless war-cry, +he charged, propelling the whirling, deafening knives straight +upon the prone legs of Rupe Collins. The lawn-mower was +sincerely intended to pass longitudinally over the body of Mr. +Collins from heel to head; and it was the time for a death-song. +Black Valkyrie hovered in the shrieking air. + +"Cut his gizzud out!" shrieked Herman, urging on the whirling +knives. + +They touched and lacerated the shin of Rupe, as, with the +supreme agony of effort a creature in mortal peril puts forth +before succumbing, he tore himself free of Herman and got upon +his feet. + +Herman was up as quickly. He leaped to the wall and seized +the garden-scythe that hung there. + +"I'm go to cut you' gizzud out," he announced definitely, +"an' eat it!" + +Rupe Collins had never run from anybody (except his father) +in his life; he was not a coward; but the present situation was +very, very unusual. He was already in a badly dismantled +condition, and yet Herman and Verman seemed discontented with +their work: Verman was swinging the grass-cutter about for a new +charge, apparently still wishing to mow him, and Herman had made +a quite plausible statement about what he intended to do with the +scythe. + +Rupe paused but for an extremely condensed survey of the +horrible advance of the brothers, and then, uttering a +blood-curdled scream of fear, ran out of the stable and up the +alley at a speed he had never before attained, so that even Dan +had hard work to keep within barking distance. And a +'cross-shoulder glance, at the corner, revealing Verman and +Herman in pursuit, the latter waving his scythe overhead, Mr. +Collins slackened not his gait, but, rather, out of great +anguish, increased it; the while a rapidly developing purpose +became firm in his mind--and ever after so remained--not only to +refrain from visiting that neighbourhood again, but never by any +chance to come within a mile of it. + +From the alley door, Penrod and Sam watched the flight, and +were without words. When the pursuit rounded the corner, the two +looked wanly at each other, but neither spoke until the return of +the brothers from the chase. + +Herman and Verman came back, laughing and chuckling. + +"Hiyi!" cackled Herman to Verman, as they came, "See 'at ole +boy run!" + +"Who-ee!" Verman shouted in ecstasy. + +"Nev' did see boy run so fas'!" Herman continued, tossing the +scythe into the wheelbarrow. "I bet he home in bed by viss +time!" + +Verman roared with delight, appearing to be wholly +unconscious that the lids of his right eye were swollen shut and +that his attire, not too finical before the struggle, now +entitled him to unquestioned rank as a sansculotte. +Herman was a similar ruin, and gave as little heed to his +condition. + +Penrod looked dazedly from Herman to Verman and back again. +So did Sam Williams. + +"Herman," said Penrod, in a weak voice, "you wouldn't +HONEST of cut his gizzard out, would you?" + +"Who? Me? I don' know. He mighty mean ole boy!" Herman +shook his head gravely, and then, observing that Verman was again +convulsed with unctuous merriment, joined laughter with his +brother. "Sho'! I guess I uz dess TALKIN' whens I said 'at! +Reckon he thought I meant it, f'm de way he tuck an' run. Hiyi! +Reckon he thought ole Herman bad man! No, suh! I uz dess +talkin', 'cause I nev' would cut NObody! I ain' tryin' git +in no jail--NO, suh!" + +Penrod looked at the scythe: he looked at Herman. He looked +at the lawn-mower, and he looked at Verman. Then he looked out +in the yard at the rake. So did Sam Williams. + +"Come on, Verman," said Herman. "We ain' go' 'at stove-wood +f' supper yit." + +Giggling reminiscently, the brothers disappeared leaving +silence behind them in the carriage-house. Penrod and Sam +retired slowly into the shadowy interior, each glancing, now and +then, with a preoccupied air, at the open, empty doorway where +the late afternoon sunshine was growing ruddy. At intervals one +or the other scraped the floor reflectively with the side of +his shoe. Finally, still without either having made any effort +at conversation, they went out into the yard and stood, +continuing their silence. + +"Well," said Sam, at last, "I guess it's time I better be +gettin' home. So long, Penrod!" + +"So long, Sam," said Penrod, feebly. + +With a solemn gaze he watched his friend out of sight. Then +he went slowly into the house, and after an interval occupied in +a unique manner, appeared in the library, holding a pair of +brilliantly gleaming shoes in his hand. + +Mr. Schofield, reading the evening paper, glanced frowningly +over it at his offspring. + +"Look, papa," said Penrod. "I found your shoes where you'd +taken 'em off in your room, to put on your slippers, and they +were all dusty. So I took 'em out on the back porch and gave 'em +a good blacking. They shine up fine, don't they?" + +"Well, I'll be d-dud-dummed!" said the startled Mr. +Schofield. + +Penrod was zigzagging back to normal. + + + +CHAPTER XXIV +"LITTLE GENTLEMAN" + +The midsummer sun was stinging hot outside the little barber-shop +next to the corner drug store and Penrod, undergoing a toilette +preliminary to his very slowly approaching twelfth birthday, was +adhesive enough to retain upon his face much hair as it fell from +the shears. There is a mystery here: the tonsorial processes are +not unagreeable to manhood; in truth, they are soothing; but the +hairs detached from a boy's head get into his eyes, his ears, his +nose, his mouth, and down his neck, and he does everywhere itch +excruciatingly. Wherefore he blinks, winks, weeps, twitches, +condenses his countenance, and squirms; and perchance +the barber's scissors clip more than intended--belike an outlying +flange of ear. + +"Um--muh--OW!" said Penrod, this thing having happened. + +"D' I touch y' up a little?" inquired the barber, smiling +falsely. + +"Ooh--UH!" The boy in the chair offered inarticulate +protest, as the wound was rubbed with alum. + +"THAT don't hurt!" said the barber. "You WILL get +it, though, if you don't sit stiller," he continued, nipping in +the bud any attempt on the part of his patient to think that he +already had "it." + +"Pfuff!" said Penrod, meaning no disrespect, but endeavoring +to dislodge a temporary moustache from his lip. + +"You ought to see how still that little Georgie Bassett +sits," the barber went on, reprovingly. "I hear everybody says +he's the best boy in town." + +"Pfuff! PHIRR!" There was a touch of intentional +contempt in this. + +"I haven't heard nobody around the neighbourhood makin' no +such remarks," added the barber, "about nobody of the name of +Penrod Schofield." + +"Well," said Penrod, clearing his mouth after a struggle, +"who wants 'em to? Ouch!" + +"I hear they call Georgie Bassett the `little gentleman,'" +ventured the barber, provocatively, meeting with instant success. + +"They better not call ME that," returned Penrod +truculently. "I'd like to hear anybody try. Just once, that's +all! I bet they'd never try it ag---- OUCH!" + +"Why? What'd you do to 'em?" + +"It's all right what I'd DO! I bet they wouldn't want to +call me that again long as they lived!" + +"What'd you do if it was a little girl? You wouldn't hit +her, would you?" + +"Well, I'd---- Ouch!" + +"You wouldn't hit a little girl, would you?" the barber +persisted, gathering into his powerful fingers a mop of hair from +the top of Penrod's head and pulling that suffering head into an +unnatural position. "Doesn't the Bible say it ain't never right +to hit the weak sex?" + +"Ow! SAY, look OUT!" + +"So you'd go and punch a pore, weak, little girl, would you?" +said the barber, reprovingly. + +"Well, who said I'd hit her?" demanded the chivalrous Penrod. "I +bet I'd FIX her though, all right. She'd see!" + +"You wouldn't call her names, would you?" + +"No, I wouldn't! What hurt is it to call anybody names?" + +"Is that SO!" exclaimed the barber. "Then you was +intending what I heard you hollering at Fisher's grocery delivery +wagon driver fer a favour, the other day when I was goin' by your +house, was you? I reckon I better tell him, because he says +to me after-WERDS if he ever lays eyes on you when you ain't +in your own yard, he's goin' to do a whole lot o' things you +ain't goin' to like! Yessir, that's what he says to ME!" + +"He better catch me first, I guess, before he talks so much." + +"Well," resumed the barber, "that ain't sayin' what you'd do +if a young lady ever walked up and called you a little gentleman. +_I_ want to hear what you'd do to her. I guess I know, +though--come to think of it." + +"What?" demanded Penrod. + +"You'd sick that pore ole dog of yours on her cat, if she had +one, I expect," guessed the barber derisively. + +"No, I would not!" + +"Well, what WOULD you do?" + +"I'd do enough. Don't worry about that!" + +"Well, suppose it was a boy, then: what'd you do if a boy +come up to you and says, `Hello, little gentleman'?" + +"He'd be lucky," said Penrod, with a sinister frown, "if he +got home alive." + +"Suppose it was a boy twice your size?" + +"Just let him try," said Penrod ominously. "You just let him +try. He'd never see daylight again; that's all!" + +The barber dug ten active fingers into the helpless +scalp before him and did his best to displace it, while the +anguished Penrod, becoming instantly a seething crucible of +emotion, misdirected his natural resentment into maddened +brooding upon what he would do to a boy "twice his size" who +should dare to call him "little gentleman." The barber shook him +as his father had never shaken him; the barber buffeted him, +rocked him frantically to and fro; the barber seemed to be trying +to wring his neck; and Penrod saw himself in staggering zigzag +pictures, destroying large, screaming, fragmentary boys who had +insulted him. + +The torture stopped suddenly; and clenched, weeping eyes +began to see again, while the barber applied cooling lotions +which made Penrod smell like a coloured housemaid's ideal. + +"Now what," asked the barber, combing the reeking locks +gently, "what would it make you so mad fer, to have somebody call +you a little gentleman? It's a kind of compliment, as it were, +you might say. What would you want to hit anybody fer THAT +fer?" + +To the mind of Penrod, this question was without meaning or +reasonableness. It was within neither his power nor his desire +to analyze the process by which the phrase had become offensive +to him, and was now rapidly assuming the proportions of an +outrage. He knew only that his gorge rose at the thought of it. + +"You just let 'em try it!" he said threateningly, as he +slid down from the chair. And as he went out of the door, after +further conversation on the same subject, he called back those +warning words once more: "Just let 'em try it! Just once-- +that's all _I_ ask 'em to. They'll find out what they +GET!" + +The barber chuckled. Then a fly lit on the barber's nose and +he slapped at it, and the slap missed the fly but did not miss +the nose. The barber was irritated. At this moment his birdlike +eye gleamed a gleam as it fell upon customers approaching: the +prettiest little girl in the world, leading by the hand her baby +brother, Mitchy-Mitch, coming to have Mitchy-Mitch's hair +clipped, against the heat. + +It was a hot day and idle, with little to feed the mind--and +the barber was a mischievous man with an irritated nose. He did +his worst. + +Meanwhile, the brooding Penrod pursued his homeward way; no +great distance, but long enough for several one-sided conflicts +with malign insulters made of thin air. "You better NOT call +me that!" he muttered. "You just try it, and you'll get what +other people got when THEY tried it. You better not ack +fresh with ME! Oh, you WILL, will you?" He delivered a +vicious kick full upon the shins of an iron fence-post, which +suffered little, though Penrod instantly regretted his +indiscretion. "Oof!" he grunted, hopping; and went on after +bestowing a look of awful hostility upon the fence-post. "I +guess you'll know better next time," he said, in parting, to +this antagonist. "You just let me catch you around here again +and I'll----" His voice sank to inarticulate but ominous +murmurings. He was in a dangerous mood. + +Nearing home, however, his belligerent spirit was diverted to +happier interests by the discovery that some workmen had left a +caldron of tar in the cross-street, close by his father's stable. +He tested it, but found it inedible. Also, as a substitute for +professional chewing-gum it was unsatisfactory, being +insufficiently boiled down and too thin, though of a pleasant, +lukewarm temperature. But it had an excess of one quality--it +was sticky. It was the stickiest tar Penrod had ever used for +any purposes whatsoever, and nothing upon which he wiped his +hands served to rid them of it; neither his polka-dotted shirt +waist nor his knickerbockers; neither the fence, nor even Duke, +who came unthinkingly wagging out to greet him, and retired +wiser. + +Nevertheless, tar is tar. Much can be done with it, no +matter what its condition; so Penrod lingered by the caldron, +though from a neighbouring yard could be heard the voices of +comrades, including that of Sam Williams. On the ground about +the caldron were scattered chips and sticks and bits of wood to +the number of a great multitude. Penrod mixed quantities of this +refuse into the tar, and interested himself in seeing how much of +it he could keep moving in slow swirls upon the ebon surface. + +Other surprises were arranged for the absent workmen. The +caldron was almost full, and the surface of the tar near the rim. + +Penrod endeavoured to ascertain how many pebbles and brickbats, +dropped in, would cause an overflow. Labouring heartily to this +end, he had almost accomplished it, when he received the +suggestion for an experiment on a much larger scale. Embedded at +the corner of a grassplot across the street was a whitewashed +stone, the size of a small watermelon and serving no purpose +whatever save the questionable one of decoration. It was easily +pried up with a stick; though getting it to the caldron tested +the full strength of the ardent labourer. Instructed to perform +such a task, he would have sincerely maintained its impossibility +but now, as it was unbidden, and promised rather destructive +results, he set about it with unconquerable energy, feeling +certain that he would be rewarded with a mighty splash. +Perspiring, grunting vehemently, his back aching and all muscles +strained, he progressed in short stages until the big stone lay +at the base of the caldron. He rested a moment, panting, then +lifted the stone, and was bending his shoulders for the heave +that would lift it over the rim, when a sweet, taunting voice, +close behind him, startled him cruelly. + +"How do you do, LITTLE GENTLEMAN!" + +Penrod squawked, dropped the stone, and shouted, "Shut up, +you dern fool!" purely from instinct, even before his about- +face made him aware who had so spitefully addressed him. + +It was Marjorie Jones. Always dainty, and prettily dressed, +she was in speckless and starchy white to-day, and a refreshing +picture she made, with the new-shorn and powerfully scented +Mitchy-Mitch clinging to her hand. They had stolen up behind the +toiler, and now stood laughing together in sweet merriment. +Since the passing of Penrod's Rupe Collins period he had +experienced some severe qualms at the recollection of his last +meeting with Marjorie and his Apache behaviour; in truth, his +heart instantly became as wax at sight of her, and he would have +offered her fair speech; but, alas! in Marjorie's wonderful eyes +there shone a consciousness of new powers for his undoing, and +she denied him opportunity. + +"Oh, OH!" she cried, mocking his pained outcry. "What a +way for a LITTLE GENTLEMAN to talk! Little gentleman don't +say wicked----" + +"Marjorie!" Penrod, enraged and dismayed, felt himself stung +beyond all endurance. Insult from her was bitterer to endure +than from any other. "Don't you call me that again!" + +"Why not, LITTLE GENTLEMAN?" + +He stamped his foot. "You better stop!" + +Marjorie sent into his furious face her lovely, spiteful +laughter. + +"Little gentleman, little gentleman, little gentleman!" +she said deliberately. "How's the little gentleman, this +afternoon? Hello, little gentleman!" + +Penrod, quite beside himself, danced eccentrically. "Dry +up!" he howled. "Dry up, dry up, dry up, dry UP!" + +Mitchy-Mitch shouted with delight and applied a finger to the +side of the caldron--a finger immediately snatched away and wiped +upon a handkerchief by his fastidious sister. + +"'Ittle gellamun!" said Mitchy-Mitch. + +"You better look out!" Penrod whirled upon this small +offender with grim satisfaction. Here was at least something +male that could without dishonour be held responsible. "You say +that again, and I'll give you the worst----" + +"You will NOT!" snapped Marjorie, instantly vitriolic. +"He'll say just whatever he wants to, and he'll say it just as +MUCH as he wants to. Say it again, Mitchy-Mitch!" + +"'Ittle gellamun!" said Mitchy-Mitch promptly. + +"Ow-YAH!" Penrod's tone-production was becoming affected +by his mental condition. "You say that again, and I'll----" + +"Go on, Mitchy-Mitch," cried Marjorie. "He can't do a thing. +He don't DARE! Say it some more, Mitchy-Mitch--say it a +whole lot!" + +Mitchy-Mitch, his small, fat face shining with confidence in +his immunity, complied. + +"'Ittle gellamun!" he squeaked malevolently. "'Ittle +gellamun! 'Ittle gellamun! 'Ittle gellamun!" + +The desperate Penrod bent over the whitewashed rock, lifted +it, and then--outdoing Porthos, John Ridd, and Ursus in one +miraculous burst of strength--heaved it into the air. + +Marjorie screamed. + +But it was too late. The big stone descended into the +precise midst of the caldron and Penrod got his mighty splash. +It was far, far beyond his expectations. + +Spontaneously there were grand and awful effects--volcanic +spectacles of nightmare and eruption. A black sheet of eccentric +shape rose out of the caldron and descended upon the three +children, who had no time to evade it. + +After it fell, Mitchy-Mitch, who stood nearest the caldron, +was the thickest, though there was enough for all. Br'er Rabbit +would have fled from any of them. + + + +CHAPTER XXV +TAR + +When Marjorie and Mitchy-Mitch got their breath, they used it +vocally; and seldom have more penetrating sounds issued from +human throats. Coincidentally, Marjorie, quite baresark, laid +hands upon the largest stick within reach and fell upon Penrod +with blind fury. He had the presence of mind to flee, and they +went round and round the caldron, while Mitchy-Mitch feebly +endeavoured to follow--his appearance, in this pursuit, being +pathetically like that of a bug fished out of an ink-well, alive +but discouraged. + +Attracted by the riot, Samuel Williams made his appearance, +vaulting a fence, and was immediately followed by Maurice Levy +and Georgie Bassett. They stared incredulously at the +extraordinary spectacle before them. + +"Little GEN-TIL-MUN!" shrieked Marjorie, with a wild stroke +that landed full upon Penrod's tarry cap. + +"OOOCH!" bleated Penrod. + +"It's Penrod!" shouted Sam Williams, recognizing him by the +voice. For an instant he had been in some doubt. + +"Penrod Schofield!" exclaimed Georgie Bassett. "WHAT +does this mean?" That was Georgie's style, and had helped to win +him his title. + +Marjorie leaned, panting, upon her stick. "I cu-called--uh-- +him--oh!" she sobbed--"I called him a lul-little--oh--gentleman! +And oh--lul-look!--oh! lul-look at my du-dress! Lul-look at Mu- +mitchy--oh--Mitch--oh!" + + Unexpectedly, she smote again--with results--and then, +seizing the indistinguishable hand of Mitchy-Mitch, she ran +wailing homeward down the street. + +"`Little gentleman'?" said Georgie Bassett, with some +evidences of disturbed complacency. "Why, that's what they call +ME!" + +"Yes, and you ARE one, too!" shouted the maddened Penrod. +"But you better not let anybody call ME that! I've stood +enough around here for one day, and you can't run over ME, +Georgie Bassett. Just you put that in your gizzard and smoke +it!" + +"Anybody has a perfect right," said Georgie, with, +dignity, "to call a person a little gentleman. There's lots +of names nobody ought to call, but this one's a NICE----" + +"You better look out!" + +Unavenged bruises were distributed all over Penrod, both upon +his body and upon his spirit. Driven by subtle forces, he had +dipped his hands in catastrophe and disaster: it was not for a +Georgie Bassett to beard him. Penrod was about to run amuck. + +"I haven't called you a little gentleman, yet," said Georgie. +"I only said it. Anybody's got a right to SAY it." + +"Not around ME! You just try it again and----" + +"I shall say it," returned Georgie, "all I please. Anybody +in this town has a right to SAY `little gentleman'----" + +Bellowing insanely, Penrod plunged his right hand into the +caldron, rushed upon Georgie and made awful work of his hair and +features. + +Alas, it was but the beginning! Sam Williams and Maurice +Levy screamed with delight, and, simultaneously infected, danced +about the struggling pair, shouting frantically: + +"Little gentleman! Little gentleman! Sick him, Georgie! +Sick him, little gentleman! Little gentleman! Little +gentleman!" + +The infuriated outlaw turned upon them with blows and more +tar, which gave Georgie Bassett his opportunity and later +seriously impaired the purity of his fame. Feeling himself +hopelessly tarred, he dipped both hands repeatedly into the +caldron and applied his gatherings to Penrod. It was bringing +coals to Newcastle, but it helped to assuage the just wrath of +Georgie. + +The four boys gave a fine imitation of the Laocoon group +complicated by an extra figure frantic splutterings and chokings, +strange cries and stranger words issued from this tangle; hands +dipped lavishly into the inexhaustible reservoir of tar, with +more and more picturesque results. The caldron had been elevated +upon bricks and was not perfectly balanced; and under a heavy +impact of the struggling group it lurched and went partly over, +pouring forth a Stygian tide which formed a deep pool in the +gutter. + +It was the fate of Master Roderick Bitts, that exclusive and +immaculate person, to make his appearance upon the chaotic scene +at this juncture. All in the cool of a white "sailor suit," he +turned aside from the path of duty--which led straight to the +house of a maiden aunt--and paused to hop with joy upon the +sidewalk. A repeated epithet continuously half panted, half +squawked, somewhere in the nest of gladiators, caught his ear, +and he took it up excitedly, not knowing why. + +"Little gentleman!" shouted Roderick, jumping up and down in +childish glee. "Little gentleman! Little gentleman! Lit----" + +A frightful figure tore itself free from the group, +encircled this innocent bystander with a black arm, and +hurled him headlong. Full length and flat on his face went +Roderick into the Stygian pool. The frightful figure was Penrod. + +Instantly, the pack flung themselves upon him again, and, +carrying them with him, he went over upon Roderick, who from that +instant was as active a belligerent as any there. + +Thus began the Great Tar Fight, the origin of which proved, +afterward, so difficult for parents to trace, owing to the +opposing accounts of the combatants. Marjorie said Penrod began +it; Penrod said Mitchy-Mitch began it; Sam Williams said Georgie +Bassett began it; Georgie and Maurice Levy said Penrod began it; +Roderick Bitts, who had not recognized his first assailant, said +Sam Williams began it. + +Nobody thought of accusing the barber. But the barber did +not begin it; it was the fly on the barber's nose that began it-- +though, of course, something else began the fly. Somehow, we +never manage to hang the real offender. + +The end came only with the arrival of Penrod's mother, who +had been having a painful conversation by telephone with Mrs. +Jones, the mother of Marjorie, and came forth to seek an errant +son. It is a mystery how she was able to pick out her own, for +by the time she got there his voice was too hoarse to be +recognizable. Mr. Schofield's version of things was that Penrod +was insane. "He's a stark, raving lunatic!" declared the +father, descending to the library from a before-dinner interview +with the outlaw, that evening. "I'd send him to military school, +but I don't believe they'd take him. Do you know WHY he says +all that awfulness happened?" + +"When Margaret and I were trying to scrub him," responded +Mrs. Schofield wearily, "he said `everybody' had been calling him +names." + +"`Names!'" snorted her husband. "`Little gentleman!' +THAT'S the vile epithet they called him! And because of it +he wrecks the peace of six homes!" + +"SH! Yes; he told us about it," said Mrs. Schofield, +moaning. "He told us several hundred times, I should guess, +though I didn't count. He's got it fixed in his head, and we +couldn't get it out. All we could do was to put him in the +closet. He'd have gone out again after those boys if we hadn't. +I don't know WHAT to make of him!" + +"He's a mystery to ME!" said her husband. "And he +refuses to explain why he objects to being called `little +gentleman.' Says he'd do the same thing--and worse--if anybody +dared to call him that again. He said if the President of the +United States called him that he'd try to whip him. How long did +you have him locked up in the closet?" + +"SH!" said Mrs. Schofield warningly. "About two hours; +but I don't think it softened his spirit at all, because when I +took him to the barber's to get his hair clipped again, on +account of the tar in it, Sammy Williams and Maurice Levy were +there for the same reason, and they just WHISPERED `little +gentleman,' so low you could hardly hear them--and Penrod began +fighting with them right before me, and it was really all the +barber and I could do to drag him away from them. The barber was +very kind about it, but Penrod----" + +"I tell you he's a lunatic!" Mr. Schofield would have said +the same thing of a Frenchman infuriated by the epithet "camel." +The philosophy of insult needs expounding. + +"SH!" said Mrs. Schofield. "It does seem a kind of +frenzy." + +"Why on earth should any sane person mind being called----" + +"SH!" said Mrs. Schofield. "It's beyond ME!" + +"What are you SH-ing me for?" demanded Mr. Schofield +explosively. + +"SH!" said Mrs. Schofield. "It's Mr. Kinosling, the new +rector of Saint Joseph's." + +"Where?" + +"SH! On the front porch with Margaret; he's going to +stay for dinner. I do hope----" + +"Bachelor, isn't he?" + +"Yes." + +"OUR old minister was speaking of him the other day," +said Mr. Schofield, "and he didn't seem so terribly impressed." + +"SH! Yes; about thirty, and of course so superior to +most of Margaret's friends--boys home from college. She thinks +she likes young Robert Williams, I know--but he laughs so much! +Of course there isn't any comparison. Mr. Kinosling talks so +intellectually; it's a good thing for Margaret to hear that kind +of thing, for a change and, of course, he's very spiritual. He +seems very much interested in her." She paused to muse. "I +think Margaret likes him; he's so different, too. It's the third +time he's dropped in this week, and I----" + +"Well," said Mr. Schofield grimly, "if you and Margaret want +him to come again, you'd better not let him see Penrod." + +"But he's asked to see him; he seems interested in meeting +all the family. And Penrod nearly always behaves fairly well at +table." She paused, and then put to her husband a question +referring to his interview with Penrod upstairs. "Did you--did +you--do it?" + +"No," he answered gloomily. "No, I didn't, but----" He was +interrupted by a violent crash of china and metal in the kitchen, +a shriek from Della, and the outrageous voice of Penrod. The +well-informed Della, ill-inspired to set up for a wit, had +ventured to address the scion of the house roguishly as "little +gentleman," and Penrod, by means of the rapid elevation of his +right foot, had removed from her supporting hands a laden tray. +Both parents, started for the kitchen, Mr. Schofield +completing his interrupted sentence on the way. + +"But I will, now!" + +The rite thus promised was hastily but accurately performed +in that apartment most distant from the front porch; and, twenty +minutes later, Penrod descended to dinner. The Rev. Mr. +Kinosling had asked for the pleasure of meeting him, and it had +been decided that the only course possible was to cover up the +scandal for the present, and to offer an undisturbed and smiling +family surface to the gaze of the visitor. + +Scorched but not bowed, the smouldering Penrod was led +forward for the social formulae simultaneously with the somewhat +bleak departure of Robert Williams, who took his guitar with him, +this time, and went in forlorn unconsciousness of the powerful +forces already set in secret motion to be his allies. + +The punishment just undergone had but made the haughty and +unyielding soul of Penrod more stalwart in revolt; he was +unconquered. Every time the one intolerable insult had been +offered him, his resentment had become the hotter, his vengeance +the more instant and furious. And, still burning with outrage, +but upheld by the conviction of right, he was determined to +continue to the last drop of his blood the defense of his honour, +whenever it should be assailed, no matter how mighty or august +the powers that attacked it. In all ways, he was a very +sore boy. + +During the brief ceremony of presentation, his usually +inscrutable countenance wore an expression interpreted by his +father as one of insane obstinacy, while Mrs. Schofield found it +an incentive to inward prayer. The fine graciousness of Mr. +Kinosling, however, was unimpaired by the glare of virulent +suspicion given him by this little brother: Mr. Kinosling mistook +it for a natural curiosity concerning one who might possibly +become, in time, a member of the family. He patted Penrod upon +the head, which was, for many reasons, in no condition to be +patted with any pleasure to the patter. Penrod felt himself in +the presence of a new enemy. + +"How do you do, my little lad," said Mr. Kinosling. "I trust +we shall become fast friends." + +To the ear of his little lad, it seemed he said, "A trost we +shall bick-home fawst frainds." Mr. Kinosling's pronunciation +was, in fact, slightly precious; and, the little lad, simply +mistaking it for some cryptic form of mockery of himself, assumed +a manner and expression which argued so ill for the proposed +friendship that Mrs. Schofield hastily interposed the suggestion +of dinner, and the small procession went in to the dining-room. + +"It has been a delicious day," said Mr. Kinosling, presently; +"warm but balmy." With a benevolent smile he addressed +Penrod, who sat opposite him. "I suppose, little gentleman, you +have been indulging in the usual outdoor sports of vacation?" + +Penrod laid down his fork and glared, open-mouthed at Mr. +Kinosling. + +"You'll have another slice of breast of the chicken?" Mr. +Schofield inquired, loudly and quickly. + +"A lovely day!" exclaimed Margaret, with equal promptitude +and emphasis. "Lovely, oh, lovely! Lovely!" + +"Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful!" said Mrs. Schofield, and +after a glance at Penrod which confirmed her impression that he +intended to say something, she continued, "Yes, beautiful, +beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful beautiful!" + +Penrod closed his mouth and sank back in his chair--and his +relatives took breath. + +Mr. Kinosling looked pleased. This responsive family, with +its ready enthusiasm, made the kind of audience he liked. He +passed a delicate white hand gracefully over his tall, pale +forehead, and smiled indulgently. + +"Youth relaxes in summer," he said. "Boyhood is the age of +relaxation; one is playful, light, free, unfettered. One runs +and leaps and enjoys one's self with one's companions. It is +good for the little lads to play with their friends; they jostle, +push, and wrestle, and simulate little, happy struggles with one +another in harmless conflict. The young muscles are +toughening. It is good. Boyish chivalry develops, enlarges, +expands. The young learn quickly, intuitively, spontaneously. +They perceive the obligations of noblesse oblige. They begin +to comprehend the necessity of caste and its requirements. They +learn what birth means--ah,--that is, they learn what it means to +be well born. They learn courtesy in their games; they learn +politeness, consideration for one another in their pastimes, +amusements, lighter occupations. I make it my pleasure to join +them often, for I sympathize with them in all their wholesome +joys as well as in their little bothers and perplexities. I +understand them, you see; and let me tell you it is no easy +matter to understand the little lads and lassies." He sent to +each listener his beaming glance, and, permitting it to come to +rest upon Penrod, inquired: + +"And what do you say to that, little gentleman?" + +Mr. Schofield uttered a stentorian cough. "More? You'd +better have some more chicken! More! Do!" + +"More chicken!" urged Margaret simultaneously. "Do please! +Please! More! Do! More!" + +"Beautiful, beautiful," began Mrs. Schofield. "Beautiful, +beautiful, beautiful, beautiful----" + +It is not known in what light Mr. Kinosling viewed the +expression of Penrod's face. Perhaps he mistook it for awe; +perhaps he received no impression at all of its extraordinary +quality. He was a rather self-engrossed young man, just then +engaged in a double occupation, for he not only talked, but +supplied from his own consciousness a critical though favourable +auditor as well, which of course kept him quite busy. Besides, +it is oftener than is expected the case that extremely peculiar +expressions upon the countenances of boys are entirely +overlooked, and suggest nothing to the minds of people staring +straight at them. Certainly Penrod's expression--which, to the +perception of his family, was perfectly horrible--caused not the +faintest perturbation in the breast of Mr. Kinosling. + +Mr. Kinosling waived the chicken, and continued to talk. +"Yes, I think I may claim to understand boys," he said, smiling +thoughtfully. "One has been a boy one's self. Ah, it is not all +playtime! I hope our young scholar here does not overwork +himself at his Latin, at his classics, as I did, so that at the +age of eight years I was compelled to wear glasses. He must be +careful not to strain the little eyes at his scholar's tasks, not +to let the little shoulders grow round over his scholar's desk. +Youth is golden; we should keep it golden, bright, glistening. +Youth should frolic, should be sprightly; it should play its +cricket, its tennis, its hand-ball. It should run and leap; it +should laugh, should sing madrigals and glees, carol with the +lark, ring out in chanties, folk-songs, ballads, roundelays----" + +He talked on. At any instant Mr. Schofield held himself +ready to cough vehemently and shout, "More chicken," to +drown out Penrod in case the fatal words again fell from those +eloquent lips; and Mrs. Schofield and Margaret kept themselves +prepared at all times to assist him. So passed a threatening +meal, which Mrs. Schofield hurried, by every means with decency, +to its conclusion. She felt that somehow they would all be safer +out in the dark of the front porch, and led the way thither as +soon as possible. + +"No cigar, I thank you." Mr. Kinosling, establishing himself +in a wicker chair beside Margaret, waved away her father's +proffer. "I do not smoke. I have never tasted tobacco in any +form." Mrs. Schofield was confirmed in her opinion that this +would be an ideal son-in-law. Mr. Schofield was not so sure. + +"No," said Mr. Kinosling. "No tobacco for me. No cigar, no +pipe, no cigarette, no cheroot. For me, a book--a volume of +poems, perhaps. Verses, rhymes, lines metrical and cadenced-- +those are my dissipation. Tennyson by preference: `Maud,' or +`Idylls of the King'--poetry of the sound Victorian days; there +is none later. Or Longfellow will rest me in a tired hour. Yes; +for me, a book, a volume in the hand, held lightly between the +fingers." + +Mr. Kinosling looked pleasantly at his fingers as he spoke, +waving his hand in a curving gesture which brought it into the +light of a window faintly illumined from the interior of the +house. Then he passed those graceful fingers over his hair, +and turned toward Penrod, who was perched upon the railing in a +dark corner. + +"The evening is touched with a slight coolness," said Mr. +Kinosling. "Perhaps I may request the little gentleman----" + +"B'gr-r-RUFF!" coughed Mr. Schofield. "You'd better +change your mind about a cigar." + +"No, I thank you. I was about to request the lit----" + +"DO try one," Margaret urged. "I'm sure papa's are nice +ones. Do try----" + +"No, I thank you. I remarked a slight coolness in the air, +and my hat is in the hallway. I was about to request----" + +"I'll get it for you," said Penrod suddenly. + +"If you will be so good," said Mr. Kinosling. "It is a black +bowler hat, little gentleman, and placed upon a table in the +hall." + +"I know where it is." Penrod entered the door, and a feeling +of relief, mutually experienced, carried from one to another of +his three relatives their interchanged congratulations that he +had recovered his sanity. + +"`The day is done, and the darkness,'" began Mr. Kinosling-- +and recited that poem entire. He followed it with "The +Children's Hour," and after a pause, at the close, to allow his +listeners time for a little reflection upon his rendition, he +passed his handagain over his head, and called, in the +direction of the doorway: + +"I believe I will take my hat now, little gentleman." + +"Here it is," said Penrod, unexpectedly climbing over the +porch railing, in the other direction. His mother and father and +Margaret had supposed him to be standing in the hallway out of +deference, and because he thought it tactful not to interrupt the +recitations. All of them remembered, later, that this supposed +thoughtfulness on his part struck them as unnatural. + +"Very good, little gentleman!" said Mr. Kinosling, and being +somewhat chilled, placed the hat firmly upon his head, pulling it +down as far as it would go. It had a pleasant warmth, which he +noticed at once. The next instant, he noticed something else, a +peculiar sensation of the scalp--a sensation which he was quite +unable to define. He lifted his hand to take the hat off, and +entered upon a strange experience: his hat seemed to have decided +to remain where it was. + +"Do you like Tennyson as much as Longfellow, Mr. Kinosling?" +inquired Margaret. + +"I--ah--I cannot say," he returned absently. "I--ah--each +has his own--ugh! flavour and savour, each his--ah--ah----" + +Struck by a strangeness in his tone, she peered at him +curiously through the dusk. His outlines were indistinct, but +she made out that his arms were, uplifted in a singular +gesture. He seemed to be wrenching at his head. + +"Is--is anything the matter?" she asked anxiously. "Mr. +Kinosling, are you ill?" + +"Not at--ugh!--all," he replied, in the same odd tone. "I-- +ah--I believe--UGH!" + +He dropped his hands from his hat, and rose. His manner was +slightly agitated. "I fear I may have taken a trifling--ah-- +cold. I should--ah--perhaps be--ah--better at home. I will-- +ah--say good-night." + +At the steps, he instinctively lifted his hand to remove his +hat, but did not do so, and, saying "Goodnight," again in a +frigid voice, departed with visible stiffness from that house, to +return no more. + +"Well, of all----!" cried Mrs. Schofield, astounded. "What +was the matter? He just went--like that!" She made a flurried +gesture. "In heaven's name, Margaret, what DID you say to +him?" + +"_I_!" exclaimed Margaret indignantly. "Nothing! He just +WENT!" + +"Why, he didn't even take off his hat when he said good- +night!" said Mrs. Schofield. + +Margaret, who had crossed to the doorway, caught the ghost of +a whisper behind her, where stood Penrod. + +"YOU BET HE DIDN'T!" + +He knew not that he was overheard. + +A frightful suspicion flashed through Margaret's mind--a +suspicion that Mr. Kinosling's hat would have to be either boiled +off or shaved off. With growing horror she recalled Penrod's +long absence when he went to bring the hat. + +"Penrod," she cried, "let me see your hands!" + +She had toiled at those hands herself late that afternoon, +nearly scalding her own, but at last achieving a lily purity. + +"Let me see your hands!" + +She seized them. + +Again they were tarred! + + + +CHAPTER XXVI +THE QUIET AFTERNOON + +Perhaps middle-aged people might discern Nature's real intentions +in the matter of pain if they would examine a boy's punishments +and sorrows, for he prolongs neither beyond their actual +duration. With a boy, trouble must be of Homeric dimensions to +last overnight. To him, every next day is really a new day. +Thus, Penrod woke, next morning, with neither the unspared rod, +nor Mr. Kinosling in his mind. Tar, itself, so far as his +consideration of it went, might have been an undiscovered +substance. His mood was cheerful and mercantile; some process +having worked mysteriously within him, during the +night, to the result that his first waking thought was of profits +connected with the sale of old iron--or perhaps a ragman had +passed the house, just before he woke. + +By ten o'clock he had formed a partnership with the indeed +amiable Sam, and the firm of Schofield and Williams plunged +headlong into commerce. Heavy dealings in rags, paper, old iron +and lead gave the firm a balance of twenty-two cents on the +evening of the third day; but a venture in glassware, following, +proved disappointing on account of the scepticism of all the +druggists in that part of town, even after seven laborious hours +had been spent in cleansing a wheelbarrow-load of old medicine +bottles with hydrant water and ashes. Likewise, the partners +were disheartened by their failure to dispose of a crop of +"greens," although they had uprooted specimens of that decorative +and unappreciated flower, the dandelion, with such persistence +and energy that the Schofields' and Williams' lawns looked +curiously haggard for the rest of that summer. + +The fit passed: business languished; became extinct. The +dog-days had set in. + +One August afternoon was so hot that even boys sought indoor +shade. In the dimness of the vacant carriage-house of the +stable, lounged Masters Penrod Schofield, Samuel Williams, +Maurice Levy, Georgie Bassett, and Herman. They sat still and +talked. It is a hot day, in rare truth, when boys devote +themselves principally to conversation, and this day was +that hot. + +Their elders should beware such days. Peril hovers near when +the fierceness of weather forces inaction and boys in groups are +quiet. The more closely volcanoes, Western rivers, +nitroglycerin, and boys are pent, the deadlier is their action at +the point of outbreak. Thus, parents and guardians should look +for outrages of the most singular violence and of the most +peculiar nature during the confining weather of February and +August. + +The thing which befell upon this broiling afternoon began to +brew and stew peacefully enough. All was innocence and languor; +no one could have foretold the eruption. + +They were upon their great theme: "When I get to be a man!" +Being human, though boys, they considered their present estate +too commonplace to be dwelt upon. So, when the old men gather, +they say: "When I was a boy!" It really is the land of nowadays +that we never discover. + +"When I'm a man," said Sam Williams, "I'm goin' to hire me a +couple of coloured waiters to swing me in a hammock and keep +pourin' ice-water on me all day out o' those waterin'-cans they +sprinkle flowers from. I'll hire you for one of 'em, Herman." + +"No; you ain' goin' to," said Herman promptly. "You ain' no +flowuh. But nev' min' nat, anyway. Ain' nobody goin' haih +me whens _I_'m a man. Goin' be my own boss. _I_'m go' be a +rai'road man!" + +"You mean like a superintendent, or sumpthing like that, and +sell tickets?" asked Penrod. + +"Sup'in--nev' min' nat! Sell ticket? NO suh! Go' be a +PO'tuh! My uncle a po'tuh right now. Solid gole buttons-- +oh, oh!" + +"Generals get a lot more buttons than porters," said Penrod. +"Generals----" + +"Po'tuhs make the bes' l'vin'," Herman interrupted. "My +uncle spen' mo' money 'n any white man n'is town." + +"Well, I rather be a general," said Penrod, "or a senator, or +sumpthing like that." + +"Senators live in Warshington," Maurice Levy contributed the +information. "I been there. Warshington ain't so much; Niag'ra +Falls is a hundred times as good as Warshington. So's 'Tlantic +City, I was there, too. I been everywhere there is. I----" + +"Well, anyway," said Sam Williams, raising his voice in order +to obtain the floor, "anyway, I'm goin' to lay in a hammock all +day, and have ice-water sprinkled on top o' me, and I'm goin' to +lay there all night, too, and the next day. I'm goin' to lay +there a couple o' years, maybe." + +"I bet you don't!" exclaimed Maurice. "What'd you do in +winter?" + +"What?" + +"What you goin' to do when it's winter, out in a hammock +with water sprinkled on top o' you all day? I bet you----" + +"I'd stay right there," Sam declared, with strong conviction, +blinking as he looked out through the open doors at the dazzling +lawn and trees, trembling in the heat. "They couldn't sprinkle +too much for ME!" + +"It'd make icicles all over you, and----" + +"I wish it would," said Sam. "I'd eat 'em up." + +"And it'd snow on you----" + +"Yay! I'd swaller it as fast as it'd come down. I wish I +had a BARREL o' snow right now. I wish this whole barn was +full of it. I wish they wasn't anything in the whole world +except just good ole snow." + +Penrod and Herman rose and went out to the hydrant, where +they drank long and ardently. Sam was still talking about snow +when they returned. + +"No, I wouldn't just roll in it. I'd stick it all round +inside my clo'es, and fill my hat. No, I'd freeze a big pile of +it all hard, and I'd roll her out flat and then I'd carry her +down to some ole tailor's and have him make me a SUIT out of +her, and----" + +"Can't you keep still about your ole snow?" demanded Penrod +petulantly. "Makes me so thirsty I can't keep still, and I've +drunk so much now I bet I bust. That ole hydrant water's mighty +near hot anyway." + +"I'm goin' to have a big store, when I grow up," volunteered +Maurice. + +"Candy store?" asked Penrod. + +"NO, sir! I'll have candy in it, but not to eat, so much. + It's goin' to be a deportment store: ladies' clothes, +gentlemen's clothes, neckties, china goods, leather goods, nice +lines in woollings and lace goods----" + +"Yay! I wouldn't give a five-for-a-cent marble for your +whole store," said Sam. "Would you, Penrod?" + +"Not for ten of 'em; not for a million of 'em! _I_'m goin' +to have----" + +"Wait!" clamoured Maurice. "You'd be foolish, because they'd +be a toy deportment in my store where they'd be a hunderd +marbles! So, how much would you think your five-for-a-cent +marble counts for? And when I'm keepin' my store I'm goin' to +get married." + +"Yay!" shrieked Sam derisively. "MARRIED! Listen!" +Penrod and Herman joined in the howl of contempt. + +"Certumly I'll get married," asserted Maurice stoutly. "I'll +get married to Marjorie Jones. She likes me awful good, and I'm +her beau." + +"What makes you think so?" inquired Penrod in a cryptic +voice. + +"Because she's my beau, too," came the prompt answer. "I'm +her beau because she's my beau; I guess that's plenty reason! +I'll get married to her as soon as I get my store running nice." + +Penrod looked upon him darkly, but, for the moment, held his +peace. + +"Married!" jeered Sam Williams. "Married to Marjorie Jones! +You're the only boy I ever heard say he was going to get married. +I wouldn't get married for--why, I wouldn't for--for----" Unable +to think of any inducement the mere mention of which would not be +ridiculously incommensurate, he proceeded: "I wouldn't do it! +What you want to get married for? What do married people do, +except just come home tired, and worry around and kind of scold? +You better not do it, M'rice; you'll be mighty sorry." + +"Everybody gets married," stated Maurice, holding his ground. + +"They gotta." + +"I'll bet _I_ don't!" Sam returned hotly. "They better +catch me before they tell ME I have to. Anyway, I bet nobody +has to get married unless they want to." + +"They do, too," insisted Maurice. "They GOTTA!" + +"Who told you?" + +"Look at what my own papa told me!" cried Maurice, heated +with argument. "Didn't he tell me your papa had to marry your +mamma, or else he never'd got to handle a cent of her money? +Certumly, people gotta marry. Everybody. You don't know anybody +over twenty years old that isn't married--except maybe teachers." + +"Look at policemen!" shouted Sam triumphantly. `You +don't s'pose anybody can make policemen get married, I reckon, do +you?" + +"Well, policemen, maybe," Maurice was forced to admit. +"Policemen and teachers don't, but everybody else gotta." + +"Well, I'll be a policeman," said Sam. "THEN I guess +they won't come around tellin' me I have to get married. What +you goin' to be, Penrod?" + +"Chief police," said the laconic Penrod. + +"What you?" Sam inquired of quiet Georgie Bassett. + +"I am going to be," said Georgie, consciously, "a minister." + +This announcement created a sensation so profound that it was +followed by silence. Herman was the first to speak. + +"You mean preachuh?" he asked incredulously. "You go' +PREACH?" + +"Yes," answered Georgie, looking like Saint Cecilia at the +organ. + +Herman was impressed. "You know all 'at preachuh talk?" + +"I'm going to learn it," said Georgie simply. + +"How loud kin you holler?" asked Herman doubtfully. + +"He can't holler at all," Penrod interposed with scorn. "He +hollers like a girl. He's the poorest hollerer in town!" + +Herman shook his head. Evidently he thought Georgie's +chance of being ordained very slender. Nevertheless, a final +question put to the candidate by the coloured expert seemed to +admit one ray of hope. + +"How good kin you clim a pole?" + +"He can't climb one at all," Penrod answered for Georgie. +"Over at Sam's turning-pole you ought to see him try to----" + +"Preachers don't have to climb poles," Georgie said with +dignity. + +"GOOD ones do," declared Herman. "Bes' one ev' _I_ +hear, he clim up an' down same as a circus man. One n'em big +'vivals outen whens we livin' on a fahm, preachuh clim big pole +right in a middle o' the church, what was to hol' roof up. He +clim way high up, an' holler: `Goin' to heavum, goin' to heavum, +goin' to heavum NOW. Hallelujah, praise my Lawd!' An' he +slide down little, an' holler: `Devil's got a hol' o' my coat- +tails; devil tryin' to drag me down! Sinnuhs, take wawnun! +Devil got a hol' o' my coat-tails; I'm a-goin' to hell, oh Lawd!' +Nex', he clim up little mo', an' yell an' holler: `Done shuck +ole devil loose; goin' straight to heavum agin! Goin' to heavum, +goin' to heavum, my Lawd!' Nex', he slide down some mo' an' +holler, `Leggo my coat-tails, ole devil! Goin' to hell agin, +sinnuhs! Goin' straight to hell, my Lawd!' An' he clim an' he +slide, an' he slide, an' he clim, an' all time holler: `Now 'm +a-goin' to heavum; now 'm a-goin' to hell! Goin'to heavum, +heavum, heavum, my Lawd!' Las' he slide all a-way down, +jes' a-squallin' an' a-kickin' an' a-rarin' up an' squealin', +`Goin' to hell. Goin' to hell! Ole Satum got my soul! Goin' to +hell! Goin' to hell! Goin' to hell, hell, hell!" + +Herman possessed that extraordinary facility for vivid acting +which is the great native gift of his race, and he enchained his +listeners. They sat fascinated and spellbound. + +"Herman, tell that again!" said Penrod, breathlessly. + +Herman, nothing loath, accepted the encore and repeated the +Miltonic episode, expanding it somewhat, and dwelling with a fine +art upon those portions of the narrative which he perceived to be +most exciting to his audience. Plainly, they thrilled less to +Paradise gained than to its losing, and the dreadful climax of +the descent into the Pit was the greatest treat of all. + +The effect was immense and instant. Penrod sprang to his +feet. + +"Georgie Bassett couldn't do that to save his life," he +declared. "_I_'m goin' to be a preacher! I'D be all right +for one, wouldn't I, Herman?" + +"So am I!" Sam Williams echoed loudly. "I guess I can do it +if YOU can. I'd be better'n Penrod, wouldn't I, Herman?" + +"I am, too!" Maurice shouted. "I got a stronger voice than +anybody here, and I'd like to know what----" + +The three clamoured together indistinguishably, each +asserting his qualifications for the ministry according to +Herman's theory, which had been accepted by these sudden converts +without question. + +"Listen to ME!" Maurice bellowed, proving his claim to at +least the voice by drowning the others. "Maybe I can't climb a +pole so good, but who can holler louder'n this? Listen to +ME-E-E!" + +"Shut up!" cried Penrod, irritated. "Go to heaven; go to +hell!" + +"Oo-o-oh!" exclaimed Georgie Bassett, profoundly shocked. + +Sam and Maurice, awed by Penrod's daring, ceased from +turmoil, staring wide-eyed. + +"You cursed and swore!" said Georgie. + +"I did not!" cried Penrod, hotly. "That isn't swearing." + +"You said, `Go to a big H'!" said Georgie. + +"I did not! I said, `Go to heaven,' before I said a big H. +That isn't swearing, is it, Herman? It's almost what the +preacher said, ain't it, Herman? It ain't swearing now, any +more--not if you put `go to heaven' with it, is it, Herman? You +can say it all you want to, long as you say `go to heaven' first, +CAN'T you, Herman? Anybody can say it if the preacher says +it, can't they, Herman? I guess I know when I ain't swearing, +don't I, Herman?" + +Judge Herman ruled for the defendant, and Penrod was +considered to have carried his point. With fine +consistency, the conclave established that it was proper for the +general public to "say it," provided "go to heaven" should in all +cases precede it. This prefix was pronounced a perfect +disinfectant, removing all odour of impiety or insult; and, with +the exception of Georgie Bassett (who maintained that the +minister's words were "going" and "gone," not "go"), all the boys +proceeded to exercise their new privilege so lavishly that they +tired of it. + +But there was no diminution of evangelical ardour; again were +heard the clamours of dispute as to which was the best qualified +for the ministry, each of the claimants appealing passionately to +Herman, who, pleased but confused, appeared to be incapable of +arriving at a decision. + +During a pause, Georgie Bassett asserted his prior rights. +"Who said it first, I'd like to know?" he demanded. "I was going +to be a minister from long back of to-day, I guess. And I guess +I said I was going to be a minister right to-day before any of +you said anything at all. DIDN'T I, Herman? YOU heard +me, didn't you, Herman? That's the very thing started you +talking about it, wasn't it, Herman?" + +"You' right," said Herman. "You the firs' one to say it." + +Penrod, Sam, and Maurice immediately lost faith in Herman. + +"What if you did say it first?" Penrod shouted. "You +couldn't BE a minister if you were a hunderd years old!" + +"I bet his mother wouldn't let him be one," said Sam. "She +never lets him do anything." + +"She would, too," retorted Georgie. "Ever since I was +little, she----" + +"He's too sissy to be a preacher!" cried Maurice. "Listen at +his squeaky voice!" + +"I'm going to be a better minister," shouted Georgie, "than +all three of you put together. I could do it with my left hand!" + +The three laughed bitingly in chorus. They jeered, derided, +scoffed, and raised an uproar which would have had its effect +upon much stronger nerves than Georgie's. For a time he +contained his rising choler and chanted monotonously, over and +over: "I COULD! I COULD, TOO! I COULD! I COULD, TOO!" +But their tumult wore upon him, and he decided to avail himself +of the recent decision whereby a big H was rendered innocuous and +unprofane. Having used the expression once, he found it +comforting, and substituted it for: "I could! I could, too!" + +But it relieved him only temporarily. His tormentors were +unaffected by it and increased their howlings, until at last +Georgie lost his head altogether. Badgered beyond bearing, his +eyes shining with a wild light, he broke through the besieging +trio, hurling little Maurice from his path with a frantic +hand. + +"I'll show you!" he cried, in this sudden frenzy. "You give +me a chance, and I'll prove it right NOW!" + +"That's talkin' business!" shouted Penrod. "Everybody keep +still a minute. Everybody!" + +He took command of the situation at once, displaying a fine +capacity for organization and system. It needed only a few +minutes to set order in the place of confusion and to determine, +with the full concurrence of all parties, the conditions under +which Georgie Bassett was to defend his claim by undergoing what +may be perhaps intelligibly defined as the Herman test. Georgie +declared he could do it easily. He was in a state of great +excitement and in no condition to think calmly or, probably, he +would not have made the attempt at all. Certainly he was +overconfident. + + + +CHAPTER XXVII +CONCLUSION OF THE QUIET AFTERNOON + +It was during the discussion of the details of this enterprise +that Georgie's mother, a short distance down the street, received +a few female callers, who came by appointment to drink a glass of +iced tea with her, and to meet the Rev. Mr. Kinosling. Mr. +Kinosling was proving almost formidably interesting to the women +and girls of his own and other flocks. What favour of his fellow +clergymen a slight precociousness of manner and pronunciation +cost him was more than balanced by the visible ecstasies of +ladies. They blossomed at his touch. + +He had just entered Mrs. Bassett's front door, when the son +of the house, followed by an intent and earnest company of four, +opened the alley gate and came into the yard. The unconscious +Mrs. Bassett was about to have her first experience of a fatal +coincidence. It was her first, because she was the mother of a +boy so well behaved that he had become a proverb of +transcendency. Fatal coincidences were plentiful in the +Schofield and Williams families, and would have been familiar to +Mrs. Bassett had Georgie been permitted greater intimacy with +Penrod and Sam. + +Mr. Kinosling sipped his iced tea and looked about, him +approvingly. Seven ladies leaned forward, for it was to be seen +that he meant to speak. + +"This cool room is a relief," he said, waving a graceful hand +in a neatly limited gesture, which everybody's eyes followed, his +own included. "It is a relief and a retreat. The windows open, +the blinds closed--that is as it should be. It is a retreat, a +fastness, a bastion against the heat's assault. For me, a quiet +room--a quiet room and a book, a volume in the hand, held lightly +between the fingers. A volume of poems, lines metrical and +cadenced; something by a sound Victorian. We have no later +poets." + +"Swinburne?" suggested Miss Beam, an eager spinster. +"Swinburne, Mr. Kinosling? Ah, SWINBURNE!" + +"Not Swinburne," said Mr. Kinosling chastely. "No." + +That concluded all the remarks about Swinburne. + + +Miss Beam retired in confusion behind another lady; and +somehow there became diffused an impression that Miss Beam was +erotic. + +"I do not observe your manly little son, "Mr. Kinosling +addressed his hostess. + +"He's out playing in the yard," Mrs. Bassett returned. "I +heard his voice just now, I think." + +"Everywhere I hear wonderful report of him," said Mr. +Kinosling. "I may say that I understand boys, and I feel that he +is a rare, a fine, a pure, a lofty spirit. I say spirit, for +spirit is the word I hear spoken of him." + +A chorus of enthusiastic approbation affirmed the accuracy of +this proclamation, and Mrs. Bassett flushed with pleasure. +Georgie's spiritual perfection was demonstrated by instances of +it, related by the visitors; his piety was cited, and wonderful +things he had said were quoted. + +"Not all boys are pure, of fine spirit, of high mind," said +Mr. Kinosling, and continued with true feeling: "You have a +neighbour, dear Mrs. Bassett, whose household I indeed really +feel it quite impossible to visit until such time when better, +firmer, stronger handed, more determined discipline shall +prevail. I find Mr. and Mrs. Schofield and their daughter +charming----" + +Three or four ladies said "Oh!" and spoke a name +simultaneously. It was as if they had said, "Oh, the bubonic +plague!" + +"Oh! Penrod Schofield!" + +"Georgie does not play with him," said Mrs. Bassett quickly-- +"that is, he avoids him as much as he can without hurting +Penrod's feelings. Georgie is very sensitive to giving pain. I +suppose a mother should not tell these things, and I know people +who talk about their own children are dreadful bores, but it was +only last Thursday night that Georgie looked up in my face so +sweetly, after he had said his prayers and his little cheeks +flushed, as he said: "Mamma, I think it would be right for me to +go more with Penrod. I think it would make him a better boy." + +A sibilance went about the room. "Sweet! How sweet! The +sweet little soul! Ah, SWEET!" + +"And that very afternoon," continued Mrs. Bassett, "he had +come home in a dreadful state. Penrod had thrown tar all over +him." + +"Your son has a forgiving spirit!" said Mr. Kinosling with +vehemence. "A too forgiving spirit, perhaps." He set down his +glass. "No more, I thank you. No more cake, I thank you. Was +it not Cardinal Newman who said----" + +He was interrupted by the sounds of an altercation just +outside the closed blinds of the window nearest him. + +"Let him pick his tree!" It was the voice of Samuel +Williams. "Didn't we come over here to give him one of his own +trees? Give him a fair show, can't you?" + +"The little lads!" Mr. Kinosling smiled. "They have their +games, their outdoor sports, their pastimes. The young muscles +are toughening. The sun will not harm them. They grow; they +expand; they learn. They learn fair play, honour, courtesy, from +one another, as pebbles grow round in the brook. They learn more +from themselves than from us. They take shape, form, outline. +Let them." + +"Mr. Kinosling!" Another spinster--undeterred by what had +happened to Miss Beam--leaned fair forward, her face shining and +ardent. "Mr. Kinosling, there's a question I DO wish to ask +you." + +"My dear Miss Cosslit," Mr. Kinosling responded, again waving +his hand and watching it, "I am entirely at your disposal." + +"WAS Joan of Arc," she asked fervently, "inspired by +spirits?" + +He smiled indulgently. "Yes--and no," he said. "One must +give both answers. One must give the answer, yes; one must give +the answer, no." + +"Oh, THANK you!" said Miss Cosslit, blushing. + +"She's one of my great enthusiasms, you know." + +"And I have a question, too," urged Mrs. Lora Rewbush, +after a moment's hasty concentration. "'I've never been able to +settle it for myself, but NOW----" + +"Yes?" said Mr. Kinosling encouragingly. + +"Is--ah--is--oh, yes: Is Sanskrit a more difficult language +than Spanish, Mr. Kinosling?" + +"It depends upon the student," replied the oracle smiling. +"One must not look for linguists everywhere. In my own especial +case--if one may cite one's self as an example--I found no great, +no insurmountable difficulty in mastering, in conquering either." + +"And may _I_ ask one?" ventured Mrs. Bassett. "Do you +think it is right to wear egrets?" + +"There are marks of quality, of caste, of social +distinction," Mr. Kinosling began, "which must be permitted, +allowed, though perhaps regulated. Social distinction, one +observes, almost invariably implies spiritual distinction as +well. Distinction of circumstances is accompanied by mental +distinction. Distinction is hereditary; it descends from father +to son, and if there is one thing more true than `Like father, +like son,' it is--" he bowed gallantly to Mrs. Bassett--"it is, +`Like mother, like son.' What these good ladies have said this +afternoon of YOUR----" + +This was the fatal instant. There smote upon all ears the +voice of Georgie, painfully shrill and penetrating--fraught with +protest and protracted, strain. His plain words consisted +of the newly sanctioned and disinfected curse with a big H. + +With an ejaculation of horror, Mrs. Bassett sprang to the +window and threw open the blinds. + +Georgie's back was disclosed to the view of the tea-party. +He was endeavouring to ascend a maple tree about twelve feet from +the window. Embracing the trunk with arms and legs, he had +managed to squirm to a point above the heads of Penrod and +Herman, who stood close by, watching him earnestly--Penrod being +obviously in charge of the performance. Across the yard were Sam +Williams and Maurice Levy, acting as a jury on the question of +voice-power, and it was to a complaint of theirs that Georgie had +just replied. + +"That's right, Georgie," said Penrod encouragingly. "They +can, too, hear you. Let her go!" + +"Going to heaven!" shrieked Georgie, squirming up another +inch. "Going to heaven, heaven, heaven!" + +His mother's frenzied attempts to attract his attention +failed utterly. Georgie was using the full power of his lungs, +deafening his own ears to all other sounds. Mrs. Bassett called +in vain; while the tea-party stood petrified in a cluster about +the window. + +"Going to heaven!" Georgie bellowed. "Going to heaven! +Going to heaven, my Lord! Going to heaven, heaven, heaven!" + +He tried to climb higher, but began to slip downward, +his exertions causing damage to his apparel. A button flew into +the air, and his knickerbockers and his waistband severed +relations. + +"Devil's got my coat-tails, sinners! Old devil's got my +coat-tails!" he announced appropriately. Then he began to slide. + +He relaxed his clasp of the tree and slid to the ground. + +"Going to hell!" shrieked Georgie, reaching a high pitch of +enthusiasm in this great climax. "Going to hell! Going to hell! +I'm gone to hell, hell, hell!" + +With a loud scream, Mrs. Bassett threw herself out of the +window, alighting by some miracle upon her feet with ankles +unsprained. + +Mr. Kinosling, feeling that his presence as spiritual adviser +was demanded in the yard, followed with greater dignity through +the front door. At the corner of the house a small departing +figure collided with him violently. It was Penrod, tactfully +withdrawing from what promised to be a family scene of unusual +painfulness. + +Mr. Kinosling seized him by the shoulders and, giving way to +emotion, shook him viciously. + +"You horrible boy!" exclaimed Mr. Kinosling. "You ruffianly +creature! Do you know what's going to happen to you when you +grow up? Do you realize what you're going to BE!" + +With flashing eyes, the indignant boy made know his unshaken +purpose. He shouted the reply: + +"A minister!" + + + +CHAPTER XXVIII +TWELVE + +This busy globe which spawns us is as incapable of flattery and +as intent upon its own affair, whatever that is, as a gyroscope; +it keeps steadily whirling along its lawful track, and, thus far +seeming to hold a right of way, spins doggedly on, with no +perceptible diminution of speed to mark the most gigantic human +events--it did not pause to pant and recuperate even when what +seemed to Penrod its principal purpose was accomplished, and an +enormous shadow, vanishing westward over its surface, marked the +dawn of his twelfth birthday. + +To be twelve is an attainment worth the struggle. A boy, +just twelve, is like a Frenchman just elected to the Academy. + +Distinction and honour wait upon him. Younger boys show +deference to a person of twelve: his experience is guaranteed, +his judgment, therefore, mellow; consequently, his influence is +profound. Eleven is not quite satisfactory: it is only an +approach. Eleven has the disadvantage of six, of nineteen, of +forty-four, and of sixty-nine. But, like twelve, seven is an +honourable age, and the ambition to attain it is laudable. +People look forward to being seven. Similarly, twenty is worthy, +and so, arbitrarily, is twenty-one; forty-five has great +solidity; seventy is most commendable and each year thereafter an +increasing honour. Thirteen is embarrassed by the beginnings of +a new colthood; the child becomes a youth. But twelve is the +very top of boyhood. + +Dressing, that morning, Penrod felt that the world was +changed from the world of yesterday. For one thing, he seemed to +own more of it; this day was HIS day. And it was a day worth +owning; the midsummer sunshine, pouring gold through his window, +came from a cool sky, and a breeze moved pleasantly in his hair +as he leaned from the sill to watch the tribe of clattering +blackbirds take wing, following their leader from the trees in +the yard to the day's work in the open country. The blackbirds +were his, as the sunshine and the breeze were his, for they +all belonged to the day which was his birthday and therefore most +surely his. Pride suffused him: he was twelve! + +His father and his mother and Margaret seemed to understand +the difference between to-day and yesterday. They were at the +table when he descended, and they gave him a greeting which of +itself marked the milestone. Habitually, his entrance into a +room where his elders sat brought a cloud of apprehension: they +were prone to look up in pathetic expectancy, as if their thought +was, "What new awfulness is he going to start NOW?" But this +morning they laughed; his mother rose and kissed him twelve +times, so did Margaret; and his father shouted, "Well, well! +How's the MAN?" + +Then his mother gave him a Bible and "The Vicar of +Wakefield"; Margaret gave him a pair of silver-mounted hair +brushes; and his father gave him a "Pocket Atlas" and a small +compass. + +"And now, Penrod," said his mother, after breakfast, "I'm +going to take you out in the country to pay your birthday +respects to Aunt Sarah Crim." + +Aunt Sarah Crim, Penrod's great-aunt, was his oldest living +relative. She was ninety, and when Mrs. Schofield and Penrod +alighted from a carriage at her gate they found her digging with +a spade in the garden. + +"I'm glad you brought him," she said, desisting from +labour. "Jinny's baking a cake I'm going to send for his +birthday party. Bring him in the house. I've got something for +him." + +She led the way to her "sitting-room," which had a pleasant +smell, unlike any other smell, and, opening the drawer of a +shining old what-not, took therefrom a boy's "sling-shot," made +of a forked stick, two strips of rubber and a bit of leather. + +"This isn't for you," she said, placing it in Penrod's eager +hand. "No. It would break all to pieces the first time you +tried to shoot it, because it is thirty-five years old. I want +to send it back to your father. I think it's time. You give it +to him from me, and tell him I say I believe I can trust him with +it now. I took it away from him thirty-five years ago, one day +after he'd killed my best hen with it, accidentally, and broken a +glass pitcher on the back porch with it--accidentally. He +doesn't look like a person who's ever done things of that sort, +and I suppose he's forgotten it so well that he believes he never +DID, but if you give it to him from me I think he'll +remember. You look like him, Penrod. He was anything but a +handsome boy." + +After this final bit of reminiscence--probably designed to be +repeated to Mr. Schofield--she disappeared in the direction of +the kitchen, and returned with a pitcher of lemonade and a blue +china dish sweetly freighted with flat ginger cookies of a +composition that was her own secret. Then, having set this +collation before her guests, she presented Penrod with a superb, +intricate, and very modern machine of destructive capacities +almost limitless. She called it a pocket-knife. + +"I suppose you'll do something horrible with it," she said, +composedly. "I hear you do that with everything, anyhow, so you +might as well do it with this, and have more fun out of it. They +tell me you're the Worst Boy in Town." + +"Oh, Aunt Sarah!" Mrs. Schofield lifted a protesting hand. + +"Nonsense!" said Mrs. Crim. + +"But on his birthday!" + +"That's the time to say it. Penrod, aren't you the Worst Boy +in Town?" + +Penrod, gazing fondly upon his knife and eating cookies +rapidly, answered as a matter of course, and absently, "Yes'm." + +"Certainly!" said Mrs. Crim. "Once you accept a thing about +yourself as established and settled, it's all right. Nobody +minds. Boys are just people, really." + +"No, no!" Mrs. Schofield cried, involuntarily. + +"Yes, they are," returned Aunt Sarah. "Only they're not +quite so awful, because they haven't learned to cover themselves +all over with little pretences. When Penrod grows up he'll be +just the same as he is now, except that whenever he does +what he wants to do he'll tell himself and other people a +little story about it to make his reason for doing it seem nice +and pretty and noble." + +"No, I won't!" said Penrod suddenly. + +"There's one cookie left," observed Aunt Sarah. "Are you +going to eat it?" + +"Well," said her great-nephew, thoughtfully, "I guess I +better." + +"Why?" asked the old lady. "Why do you guess you'd +`better'?" + +"Well," said Penrod, with a full mouth, "it might get all +dried up if nobody took it, and get thrown out and wasted." + +"You're beginning finely," Mrs. Crim remarked. "A year ago +you'd have taken the cookie without the same sense of thrift." + +"Ma'am?" + +"Nothing. I see that you're twelve years old, that's all. +There are more cookies, Penrod." She went away, returning with a +fresh supply and the observation, "Of course, you'll be sick +before the day's over; you might as well get a good start." + +Mrs. Schofield looked thoughtful. "Aunt Sarah," she +ventured, "don't you really think we improve as we get older?" + +"Meaning," said the old lady, "that Penrod hasn't much chance +to escape the penitentiary if he doesn't? Well, we do learn to +restrain ourselves in some things; and there are people who +really want someone else to take the last cookie, though +they aren't very common. But it's all right, the world seems to +be getting on." She gazed whimsically upon her great-nephew and +added, "Of course, when you watch a boy and think about him, it +doesn't seem to be getting on very fast." + +Penrod moved uneasily in his chair; he was conscious that he +was her topic but unable to make out whether or not her +observations were complimentary; he inclined to think they were +not. Mrs. Crim settled the question for him. + +"I suppose Penrod is regarded as the neighbourhood curse?" + +"Oh, no," cried Mrs. Schofield. "He----" + +"I dare say the neighbours are right," continued the old lady +placidly. "He's had to repeat the history of the race and go +through all the stages from the primordial to barbarism. You +don't expect boys to be civilized, do you?" + +"Well, I----" + +"You might as well expect eggs to crow. No; you've got to +take boys as they are, and learn to know them as they are." + +"Naturally, Aunt Sarah," said Mrs. Schofield, "I KNOW +Penrod." + +Aunt Sarah laughed heartily. "Do you think his father knows +him, too?" + +"Of course, men are different," Mrs. Schofield returned, +apologetically. "But a mother knows----" + +"Penrod," said Aunt Sarah, solemnly, "does your father +understand you?" + +"Ma'am?" + +"About as much as he'd understand Sitting Bull!" she laughed. + +"And I'll tell you what your mother thinks you are, Penrod. Her +real belief is that you're a novice in a convent." + +"Ma'am?" + +"Aunt Sarah!" + +"I know she thinks that, because whenever you don't behave +like a novice she's disappointed in you. And your father really +believes that you're a decorous, well-trained young business man, +and whenever you don't live up to that standard you get on his +nerves and he thinks you need a walloping. I'm sure a day very +seldom passes without their both saying they don't know what on +earth to do with you. Does whipping do you any good, Penrod?" + +"Ma'am?" + +"Go on and finish the lemonade; there's about glassful left. +Oh, take it, take it; and don't say why! Of COURSE you're a +little pig." + +Penrod laughed gratefully, his eyes fixed upon her over the +rim of his uptilted glass. + +"Fill yourself up uncomfortably," said the old lady. "You're +twelve years old, and you ought to be happy--if you aren't +anything else. It's taken over nineteen hundred years of +Christianity and some hundreds of thousands of years of other +things to produce you, and there you sit!" + +"Ma'am?" + +"It'll be your turn to struggle and muss things up, for the +betterment of posterity, soon enough," said Aunt Sarah Crim. +"Drink your lemonade!" + + +CHAPTER XXIX +FANCHON + +"Aunt Sarah's a funny old lady," Penrod observed, on the way back +to the town. "What's she want me to give papa this old sling +for? Last thing she said was to be sure not to forget to give it +to him. HE don't want it; and she said, herself, it ain't +any good. She's older than you or papa, isn't she?" + +"About fifty years older," answered Mrs. Schofield, turning +upon him a stare of perplexity. "Don't cut into the leather with +your new knife, dear; the livery man might ask us to pay if---- +No. I wouldn't scrape the paint off, either--nor whittle +your shoe with it. COULDN'T you put it up until we get +home?" + +"We goin' straight home?" + +"No. We're going to stop at Mrs. Gelbraith's and ask a +strange little girl to come to your party, this afternoon." + +"Who?" + +"Her name is Fanchon. She's Mrs. Gelbraith's little niece." + +"What makes her so queer?" + +"I didn't say she's queer." + +"You said----" + +"No; I mean that she is a stranger. She lives in New York +and has come to visit here." + +"What's she live in New York for?" + +"Because her parents live there. You must be very nice to +her, Penrod; she has been very carefully brought up. Besides, +she doesn't know the children here, and you must help to keep her +from feeling lonely at your party." + +"Yes'm." + +When they reached Mrs. Gelbraith's, Penrod sat patiently +humped upon a gilt chair during the lengthy exchange of greetings +between his mother. and Mrs. Gelbraith. That is one of the +things a boy must learn to bear: when his mother meets a compeer +there is always a long and dreary wait for him, while the two +appear to be using strange symbols of speech, talking for the +greater part, it seems to him, simultaneously, and employing +a wholly incomprehensible system of emphasis at other times not +in vogue. Penrod twisted his legs, his cap and his nose. + +"Here she is!" Mrs. Gelbraith cried, unexpectedly, and a +dark-haired, demure person entered the room wearing a look of +gracious social expectancy. In years she was eleven, in manner +about sixty-five, and evidently had lived much at court. She +performed a curtsey in acknowledgment of Mrs. Schofield's +greeting, and bestowed her hand upon Penrod, who had entertained +no hope of such an honour, showed his surprise that it should +come to him, and was plainly unable to decide what to do about +it. + +"Fanchon, dear," said Mrs. Gelbraith, "take Penrod out in the +yard for a while, and play." + +"Let go the little girl's hand, Penrod," Mrs. Schofield +laughed, as the children turned toward the door. + +Penrod hastily dropped the small hand, and exclaiming, with +simple honesty, "Why, _I_ don't want it!" followed Fanchon out +into the sunshiny yard, where they came to a halt and surveyed +each other. + +Penrod stared awkwardly at Fanchon, no other occupation +suggesting itself to him, while Fanchon, with the utmost +coolness, made a very thorough visual examination of Penrod, +favouring him with an estimating scrutiny which lasted until he +literally wiggled. Finally, she spoke. + +"Where do you buy your ties?" she asked. + +"What?" + +"Where do you buy your neckties? Papa gets his at Skoone's. +You ought to get yours there. I'm sure the one you're wearing +isn't from Skoone's." + +"Skoone's?" Penrod repeated. "Skoone's?" + +"On Fifth Avenue," said Fanchon. "It's a very smart shop, +the men say." + +"Men?" echoed Penrod, in a hazy whisper. "Men?" + +"Where do your people go in summer?" inquired the lady. +"WE go to Long Shore, but so many middle-class people have +begun coming there, mamma thinks of leaving. The middle classes +are simply awful, don't you think?" + +"What?" + +"They're so boorjaw. You speak French, of course?" + +"Me?" + +"We ran over to Paris last year. It's lovely, don't you +think? Don't you LOVE the Rue de la Paix?" + +Penrod wandered in a labyrinth. This girl seemed to be +talking, but her words were dumfounding, and of course there was +no way for him to know that he was really listening to her +mother. It was his first meeting with one of those grown-up +little girls, wonderful product of the winter apartment and +summer hotel; and Fanchon, an only child, was a star of the +brand. He began to feel resentful. + +"I suppose," she went on, "I'll find everything here +fearfully Western. Some nice people called yesterday, +though. Do you know the Magsworth Bittses? Auntie says they're +charming. Will Roddy be at your party?" + +"I guess he will," returned Penrod, finding this +intelligible. "The mutt!" + +"Really!" Fanchon exclaimed airily. "Aren't you great pals +with him?" + +"What's `pals'?" + +"Good heavens! Don't you know what it means to say you're +`great pals' with any one? You ARE an odd child!" + +It was too much. + +"Oh, Bugs!" said Penrod. + +This bit of ruffianism had a curious effect. Fanchon looked +upon him with sudden favour. + +"I like you, Penrod!" she said, in an odd way, and, whatever +else there may have been in her manner, there certainly was no +shyness. + +"Oh, Bugs!" This repetition may have lacked gallantry, but +it was uttered in no very decided tone. Penrod was shaken. + +"Yes, I do!" She stepped closer to him, smiling. "Your hair +is ever so pretty." + +Sailors' parrots swear like mariners, they say; and gay +mothers ought to realize that all children are imitative, for, as +the precocious Fanchon leaned toward Penrod, the manner in which +she looked into his eyes might have made a thoughtful observer +wonder where she had learned her pretty ways. + +Penrod was even more confused than he had been by her +previous mysteries: but his confusion was of a distinctly +pleasant and alluring nature: he wanted more of it. Looking +intentionally into another person's eyes is an act unknown to +childhood; and Penrod's discovery that it could be done was +sensational. He had never thought of looking into the eyes of +Marjorie Jones. + +Despite all anguish, contumely, tar, and Maurice Levy, he +still secretly thought of Marjorie, with pathetic constancy, as +his "beau"--though that is not how he would have spelled it. +Marjorie was beautiful; her curls were long and the colour of +amber; her nose was straight and her freckles were honest; she +was much prettier than this accomplished visitor. But beauty is +not all. + +"I do!" breathed Fanchon, softly. + +She seemed to him a fairy creature from some rosier world +than this. So humble is the human heart, it glorifies and makes +glamorous almost any poor thing that says to it: "I like you!" + +Penrod was enslaved. He swallowed, coughed, scratched the +back of his neck, and said, disjointedly: + +"Well--I don't care if you want to. I just as soon." + +"We'll dance together," said Fanchon, "at your party." + +"I guess so. I just as soon." + +"Don't you want to, Penrod?" + +"Well, I'm willing to." + +"No. Say you WANT to!" + +"Well----" + +He used his toe as a gimlet, boring into the ground, his wide +open eyes staring with intense vacancy at a button on his sleeve. + +His mother appeared upon the porch in departure, calling +farewells over her shoulder to Mrs. Gelbraith, who stood in the +doorway. + +"Say it!" whispered Fanchon. + +"Well, I just as SOON." + +She seemed satisfied. + + + +CHAPTER XXX +THE BIRTHDAY PARTY + +A dancing floor had been laid upon a platform in the yard, when +Mrs. Schofield and her son arrived at their own abode; and a +white and scarlet striped canopy was in process of erection +overhead, to shelter the dancers from the sun. Workmen were busy +everywhere under the direction of Margaret, and the smitten heart +of Penrod began to beat rapidly. All this was for him; he was +Twelve! + +After lunch, he underwent an elaborate toilette and murmured +not. For the first time in his life he knew the wish to be sand- +papered, waxed, and polished to the highest possible +degree. And when the operation was over, he stood before the +mirror in new bloom, feeling encouraged to hope that his +resemblance to his father was not so strong as Aunt Sarah seemed +to think. + +The white gloves upon his hands had a pleasant smell, he +found; and, as he came down the stairs, he had great content in +the twinkling of his new dancing slippers. He stepped twice on +each step, the better to enjoy their effect and at the same time +he deeply inhaled the odour of the gloves. In spite of +everything, Penrod had his social capacities. Already it is to +be perceived that there were in him the makings of a cotillon +leader. + +Then came from the yard a sound of tuning instruments, squeak +of fiddle, croon of 'cello, a falling triangle ringing and +tinkling to the floor; and he turned pale. + +Chosen guests began to arrive, while Penrod, suffering from +stage-fright and perspiration, stood beside his mother, in the +"drawing-room," to receive them. He greeted unfamiliar +acquaintances and intimate fellow-criminals with the same +frigidity, murmuring: "'M glad to see y'," to all alike, largely +increasing the embarrassment which always prevails at the +beginning of children's festivities. His unnatural pomp and +circumstance had so thoroughly upset him, in truth, that Marjorie +Jones received a distinct shock, now to be related. Doctor +Thrope, the kind old clergyman who had baptized Penrod, came +in for a moment to congratulate the boy, and had just moved away +when it was Marjorie's turn, in the line of children, to speak to +Penrod. She gave him what she considered a forgiving look, and, +because of the occasion, addressed him in a perfectly courteous +manner. + +"I wish you many happy returns of the day, Penrod." + +"Thank you, sir!" he returned, following Dr. Thrope with a +glassy stare in which there was absolutely no recognition of +Marjorie. Then he greeted Maurice Levy, who was next to +Marjorie: "'M glad to see y'!" + +Dumfounded, Marjorie turned aside, and stood near, observing +Penrod with gravity. It was the first great surprise of her +life. Customarily, she had seemed to place his character +somewhere between that of the professional rioter and that of the +orang-outang; nevertheless, her manner at times just hinted a +consciousness that this Caliban was her property. Wherefore, she +stared at him incredulously as his head bobbed up and down, in +the dancing-school bow, greeting his guests. Then she heard an +adult voice, near her, exclaim: + +"What an exquisite child!" + +Mariorie galanced up--a little consciously, though she was +used to it--naturally curious to ascertain who was speaking of +her. It was Sam Williams' mother addressing Mrs. Bassett, +both being present to help Mrs. Schofield make the festivities +festive. + +"Exquisite!" + +Here was a second heavy surprise for Marjorie: they were not +looking at her. They were looking with beaming approval at a +girl she had never seen; a dark and modish stranger of singularly +composed and yet modest aspect. Her downcast eyes, becoming in +one thus entering a crowded room, were all that produced the +effect of modesty, counteracting something about her which might +have seemed too assured. She was very slender, very dainty, and +her apparel was disheartening to the other girls; it was of a +knowing picturesqueness wholly unfamiliar to them. There was a +delicate trace of powder upon the lobe of Fanchon's left ear, and +the outlines of her eyelids, if very closely scrutinized, would +have revealed successful experimentation with a burnt match. + +Marjorie's lovely eyes dilated: she learned the meaning of +hatred at first sight. Observing the stranger with instinctive +suspicion, all at once she seemed, to herself, awkward. Poor +Marjorie underwent that experience which hearty, healthy, little +girls and big girls undergo at one time or another--from heels to +head she felt herself, somehow, too THICK. + +Fanchon leaned close to Penrod and whispered in his ear: + +"Don't you forget!" + +Penrod blushed. + +Marjorie saw the blush. Her lovely eyes opened even wider, +and in them there began to grow a light. It was the light of +indignation;--at least, people whose eyes glow with that light +always call it indignation. + +Roderick Magsworth Bitts, Junior, approached Fanchon, when +she had made her courtesy to Mrs. Schofield. Fanchon whispered +in Roderick's ear also. + +"Your hair is pretty, Roddy! Don't forget what you said +yesterday!" + +Roderick likewise blushed. + +Maurice Levy, captivated by the newcomer's appearance, +pressed close to Roderick. + +"Give us an intaduction, Roddy?" + +Roddy being either reluctant or unable to perform the rite, +Fanchon took matters into her own hands, and was presently +favourably impressed with Maurice, receiving the information that +his tie had been brought to him by his papa from Skoone's, +whereupon she privately informed him that she liked wavy hair, +and arranged to dance with him. Fanchon also thought sandy hair +attractive, Sam Williams discovered, a few minutes later, and so +catholic was her taste that a ring of boys quite encircled her +before the musicians in the yard struck up their thrilling march, +and Mrs. Schofield brought Penrod to escort the lady from +out-of-town to the dancing pavilion. + +Headed by this pair, the children sought partners and paraded +solemnly out of the front door and round a corner of the house. +There they found the gay marquee; the small orchestra seated on +the lawn at one side of it, and a punch bowl of lemonade inviting +attention, under a tree. Decorously the small couples stepped +upon the platform, one after another, and began to dance. + +"It's not much like a children's party in our day," Mrs. +Williams said to Penrod's mother. "We'd have been playing +`Quaker-meeting,' `Clap-in, Clap-out,' or `Going to Jerusalem,' I +suppose." + +"Yes, or `Post-office' and `Drop-the-handkerchief,'" said +Mrs. Schofield. "Things change so quickly. Imagine asking +little Fanchon Gelbraith to play `London Bridge'! Penrod seems +to be having a difficult time with her, poor boy; he wasn't a +shining light in the dancing class." + +However, Penrod's difficulty was not precisely of the kind +his mother supposed. Fanchon was showing him a new step, which +she taught her next partner in turn, continuing instructions +during the dancing. The children crowded the floor, and in the +kaleidoscopic jumble of bobbing heads and intermingling figures +her extremely different style of motion was unobserved by the +older people, who looked on, nodding time benevolently. + +Fanchon fascinated girls as well as boys. Many of the +former eagerly sought her acquaintance and thronged about her +between the dances, when, accepting the deference due a +cosmopolitan and an oracle of the mode, she gave demonstrations +of the new step to succeeding groups, professing astonishment to +find it unknown: it had been "all the go," she explained, at the +Long Shore Casino for fully two seasons. She pronounced "slow" a +"Fancy Dance" executed during an intermission by Baby Rennsdale +and Georgie Bassett, giving it as her opinion that Miss Rennsdale +and Mr. Bassett were "dead ones"; and she expressed surprise that +the punch bowl contained lemonade and not champagne. + +The dancing continued, the new step gaining instantly in +popularity, fresh couples adventuring with every number. The +word "step" is somewhat misleading, nothing done with the feet +being vital to the evolutions introduced by Fanchon. Fanchon's +dance came from the Orient by a roundabout way; pausing in Spain, +taking on a Gallic frankness in gallantry at the Bal Bullier in +Paris, combining with a relative from the South Seas encountered +in San Francisco, flavouring itself with a carefree negroid +abandon in New Orleans, and, accumulating, too, something +inexpressible from Mexico and South America, it kept, throughout +its travels, to the underworld, or to circles where nature is +extremely frank and rank, until at last it reached the dives of +New York, when it immediately broke out in what is called +civilized society. Thereafter it spread, in variously modified +forms--some of them disinfected--to watering-places, and thence, +carried by hundreds of older male and female Fanchons, over the +country, being eagerly adopted everywhere and made wholly pure +and respectable by the supreme moral axiom that anything is all +right if enough people do it. Everybody was doing it. + +Not quite everybody. It was perhaps some test of this dance +that earth could furnish no more grotesque sight than that of +children doing it. + +Earth, assisted by Fanchon, was furnishing this sight at +Penrod's party. By the time ice-cream and cake arrived, about +half the guests had either been initiated into the mysteries by +Fanchon or were learning by imitation, and the education of the +other half was resumed with the dancing, when the attendant +ladies, unconscious of what was happening, withdrew into the +house for tea. + +"That orchestra's a dead one," Fanchon remarked to Penrod. +"We ought to liven them up a little!" + +She approached the musicians. + +"Don't you know," she asked the leader, "the Slingo Sligo +Slide?" + +The leader giggled, nodded, rapped with his bow upon his +violin; and Penrod, following Fanchon back upon the dancing +floor, blindly brushed with his elbow a solitary little figure +standing aloof on the lawn at the edge of the platform. + +It was Marjorie. + +In no mood to approve of anything introduced by Fanchon, she +had scornfully refused, from the first, to dance the new "step," +and, because of its bonfire popularity, found herself neglected +in a society where she had reigned as beauty and belle. +Faithless Penrod, dazed by the sweeping Fanchon, had utterly +forgotten the amber curls; he had not once asked Marjorie to +dance. All afternoon the light of indignation had been growing +brighter in her eyes, though Maurice Levy's defection to the lady +from New York had not fanned this flame. From the moment Fanchon +had whispered familiarly in Penrod's ear, and Penrod had blushed, +Marjorie had been occupied exclusively with resentment against +that guilty pair. It seemed to her that Penrod had no right to +allow a strange girl to whisper in his ear; that his blushing, +when the strange girl did it, was atrocious; and that the strange +girl, herself, ought to be arrested. + +Forgotten by the merrymakers, Marjorie stood alone upon the +lawn, clenching her small fists, watching the new dance at its +high tide, and hating it with a hatred that made every inch of +her tremble. And, perhaps because jealousy is a great awakener +of the virtues, she had a perception of something in it worse +than lack of dignity--something vaguely but outrageously +reprehensible. Finally, when Penrod brushed by her, touched her +with his elbow, and, did not even see her, Marjorie's state +of mind (not unmingled with emotion!) became dangerous. In fact, +a trained nurse, chancing to observe her at this juncture, would +probably have advised that she be taken home and put to bed. +Marjorie was on the verge of hysterics. + +She saw Fanchon and Penrod assume the double embrace required +by the dance; the "Slingo Sligo Slide" burst from the orchestra +like the lunatic shriek of a gin-maddened nigger; and all the +little couples began to bob and dip and sway. + +Marjorie made a scene. She sprang upon the platform and +stamped her foot. + +"Penrod Schofield!" she shouted. "You BEHAVE yourself!" + +The remarkable girl took Penrod by the ear. By his ear she +swung him away from Fanchon and faced him toward the lawn. + +"You march straight out of here!" she commanded. + +Penrod marched. + +He was stunned; obeyed automatically, without question, and +had very little realization of what was happening to him. +Altogether, and without reason, he was in precisely the condition +of an elderly spouse detected in flagrant misbehaviour. +Marjorie, similarly, was in precisely the condition of the party +who detects such misbehaviour. It may be added that she had +acted with a promptness, a decision and a disregard of +social consequences all to be commended to the attention of +ladies in like predicament. + +"You ought to be ashamed of yourself!" she raged, when they +reached the lawn. "Aren't you ashamed of yourself?" + +"What for?" he inquired, helplessly. + +"You be quiet!" + +"But what'd _I_ do, Marjorie? _I_ haven't done anything +to you," he pleaded. "I haven't even seen you, all aftern----" + +"You be quiet!" she cried, tears filling her eyes. "Keep +still! You ugly boy! Shut up!" + +She slapped him. + +He should have understood from this how much she cared for +him. But he rubbed his cheek and declared ruefully: + +"I'll never speak to you again!" + +"You will, too!" she sobbed, passionately. + +"I will not!" + +He turned to leave her, but paused. + +His mother, his sister Margaret, and their grownup friends +had finished their tea and were approaching from the house. +Other parents and guardians were with them, coming for their +children; and there were carriages and automobiles waiting in the +street. But the "Slingo Slide" went on, regardless. + +The group of grown-up people hesitated and came to a halt, +gazing at the pavilion. + +"What are they doing?" gasped Mrs. Williams, +blushing deeply. "What is it? What IS it?" + +"WHAT IS IT?" Mrs. Gelbraith echoed in a frightened +whisper. "WHAT----" + +"They're Tangoing!" cried Margaret Schofield. "Or Bunny +Hugging or Grizzly Bearing, or----" + +"They're only Turkey Trotting," said Robert Williams. + +With fearful outcries the mothers, aunts, and sisters rushed +upon the pavilion. + +"Of course it was dreadful," said Mrs. Schofield, an hour +later, rendering her lord an account of the day, "but it was +every bit the fault of that one extraordinary child. And of all +the quiet, demur little things--that is, I mean, when she first +came. We all spoke of how exquisite she seemed--so well trained, +so finished! Eleven years old! I never saw anything like her in +my life!" + +"I suppose it's the New Child," her husband grunted. + +"And to think of her saying there ought to have been +champagne in the lemonade!" + +"Probably she'd forgotten to bring her pocket flask," he +suggested musingly. + +"But aren't you proud of Penrod?" cried Penrod's mother. "It +was just as I told you: he was standing clear outside the +pavilion----" + +"I never thought to see the day! And Penrod was the only boy +not doing it, the only one to refuse? ALL the others +were----" + +"Every one!" she returned triumphantly. "Even Georgie +Bassett!" + +"Well," said Mr. Schofield, patting her on the shoulder. "I +guess we can hold up our heads at last." + + + +CHAPTER XXXI +OVER THE FENCE + +Penrod was out in the yard, staring at the empty marquee. The +sun was on the horizon line, so far behind the back fence, and a +western window of the house blazed in gold unbearable to the eye: +his day was nearly over. He sighed, and took from the inside +pocket of his new jacket the "sling-shot" aunt Sarah Crim had +given him that morning. + +He snapped the rubbers absently. They held fast; and his +next impulse was entirely irresistible. He found a shapely +stone, fitted it to the leather, and drew back the ancient +catapult for a shot. A sparrow hopped upon a +branch between him and the house, and he aimed at the sparrow, +but the reflection from the dazzling window struck in his eyes as +he loosed the leather. + +He missed the sparrow, but not the window. There was a loud +crash, and to his horror he caught a glimpse of his father, +stricken in mid-shaving, ducking a shower of broken glass, +glittering razor flourishing wildly. Words crashed with the +glass, stentorian words, fragmentary but collossal. + +Penrod stood petrified, a broken sling in his hand. He could +hear his parent's booming descent of the back stairs, instant and +furious; and then, red-hot above white lather, Mr. Schofield +burst out of the kitchen door and hurtled forth upon his son. + +"What do you mean?" he demanded, shaking Penrod by the +shoulder. "Ten minutes ago, for the very first time in our +lives, your mother and I were saying we were proud of you, and +here you go and throw a rock at me through the window when I'm +shaving for dinner!" + +"I didn't!" Penrod quavered. "I was shooting at a sparrow, +and the sun got in his eyes, and the sling broke----" + +"What sling?" + +"This'n." + +"Where'd you get that devilish thing? Don't you know I've +forbidden you a thousand times----" + +"It ain't mine," said Penrod. "It's yours." + +"What?" + +"Yes, sir," said the boy meekly. "Aunt Sarah Crim gave it to +me this morning and told me to give it back to you. She said she +took it away from you thirty-five years ago. You killed her hen, +she said. She told me some more to tell you, but I've +forgotten." + +"Oh!" said Mr. Schofield. + +He took the broken sling in his hand, looked at it long and +thoughtfully--and he looked longer, and quite as thoughtfully, at +Penrod. Then he turned away, and walked toward the house. + +"I'm sorry, papa," said Penrod. + +Mr. Schofield coughed, and, as he reached the door, called +back, but without turning his head. + +"Never mind, little boy. A broken window isn't much harm." + +When he had gone in, Penrod wandered down the yard to the +back fence, climbed upon it, and sat in reverie there. + +A slight figure appeared, likewise upon a fence, beyond two +neighbouring yards. + +"Yay, Penrod!" called comrade Sam Williams. + +"Yay!" returned Penrod, mechanically. + +"I caught Billy Blue Hill!" shouted Sam, describing +retribution in a manner perfectly clear to his friend. "You were +mighty lucky to get out of it." + +"I know that!" + +"You wouldn't of, if it hadn't been for Marjorie." + +"Well, don't I know that?" Penrod shouted, with heat. + +"Well, so long!" called Sam, dropping from his fence; and the +friendly voice came then, more faintly, "Many happy returns of +the day, Penrod!" + +And now, a plaintive little whine sounded from below Penrod's +feet, and, looking down, he saw that Duke, his wistful, old, +scraggly dog sat in the grass, gazing seekingly up at him. + +The last shaft of sunshine of that day fell graciously and +like a blessing upon the boy sitting on the fence. Years +afterward, a quiet sunset would recall to him sometimes the +gentle evening of his twelfth birthday, and bring him the picture +of his boy self, sitting in rosy light upon the fence, gazing +pensively down upon his wistful, scraggly, little old dog, Duke. +But something else, surpassing, he would remember of that hour, +for, in the side street, close by, a pink skirt flickered from +behind a shade tree to the shelter of the fence, there was a +gleam of amber curls, and Penrod started, as something like a +tiny white wing fluttered by his head, and there came to his ears +the sound of a light laugh and of light footsteps departing, the +laughter tremulous, the footsteps fleet. + +In the grass, between Duke's forepaws, there lay a white +note, folded in the shape of a cocked hat, and the sun sent forth +a final amazing glory as Penrod opened it and read: + +"Your my bow." + + + + + + +End of The Project Gutenberg Etext of Penrod, by Booth Tarkington + |