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You may copy it, give it away or -re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included -with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org - - -Title: Josh Billings' Old Farmer's Allminax - 1870-1879, with Comic Illustrations - -Author: Henry Wheeler Shaw - -Release Date: July 10, 2012 [EBook #40191] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK OLD FARMER'S ALLMINAX *** - - - - -Produced by Margo Romberg, Chris Curnow and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net. (This -file was produced from images generously made available -by The Internet Archive) - - - - - - -</pre> - - -<p> </p> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;"><br /><br /> -<img src="images/i_covera.png" width="400" height="585" alt="front cover" /> -<br /><br /></div> - -<hr class="full" /> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 450px;"><br /> -<img src="images/i_002.png" width="450" height="695" alt="title page" /> -</div> - -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Copyright, 1870, 1871, 1872, 1873, 1874, 1875, 1876, 1877, 1878, 1879, by<br /> -</span>G. W. CARLETON & CO.</p> - - -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Copyright, 1902, by</span> -WM. H. DUFF</p> - -<p class="center">ADMINISTRATOR ESTATE OF HENRY W. SHAW -</p> - -<p class="gap"></p> - -<p class="center"> - JOSH BILLINGS'<br /> -FARMER'S ALLMINAX<br /> -</p> - -<hr class="chap" /> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;"> -<img src="images/i_004a.png" width="400" height="415" alt="zodiac signs" /> -</div> - -<h4><i>KEY TEW THE ABUV PERFORMANCE.</i></h4> - -<p class="bgft">Tew kno exackly whare the sighn iz, multiply the day ov the month bi the -sighn, then find a dividend that will go into a divider four times -without enny remains, subtrakt this from the sighn, add the fust -quoshunt tew the last divider, then multiply the whole ov the man's -boddy bi all the sighns, and the result will be jist what yu are looking -after.</p> - - - - -<h4><i>BILLINGS' FAMILY TIME TABLE.</i></h4> - - -<p>Amazi begot Hezaki, Hezaki begot Eldad, Eldad begot Behomath, Behomath -begot Zepheniah (<i>Zepheniah waz a conumdrum maker, sum ov which hav been -handed down down</i>), Zepheniah begot Ezekiel, Ezekiel begot Issacher -(<i>Issaker waz a bad speller, which haz bin handed down too</i>), Issaker -begot Nehemiah, Nehemiah begot Methuseler, Methuseler begot Nabob -(<i>Nabob waz a snob</i>), Nabob begot Jerrymiah, and Jerrymiah begot Absolum -Billings (<i>who is admitted bi every boddy who remembers him tew be the -most humblyest looking man in the 9th Century</i>). Absolum begot Josh, and -so they kept bizzy begotting.</p> - -<p>After the Billings family once struck the front name, <i>Josh</i>, they clung -tew it. I find over 6 hundred ov that name extant, besides a grate menny -who haz bekum extanted.</p> - -<p>The Billings hav bin a helthy old breed az fur back az i have dug for -them, which they owe principally tew a milk diet. It iz sed that -Behomath Billings, one ov our pristines, could drean a cow perfektly dry -at one sitting. If this iz so, it helps explain the great amount ov milk -in the Billings natur.</p> - -<p class="bgft">I dont find enny old bachelors, nor old maids, amung our ansesstors, -inkrease and multiply haz alwus bin the battle cry of the Billings.</p> - - - - -<h3>OPINIONS OF THE PRESS</h3> - -<h4>AFTER SEEING THE ADVANCE SHEETS OV</h4> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 450px;"> -<img src="images/i_006a.png" width="450" height="107" alt="Josh Billings' Farmers' Allminax" /> -</div> - -<h3>FOR THE YEAR 1870.</h3> - - -<p>"We seldum notis the current Amerikan literature ov the day, but the -Billings Allminax, soon tew be issued by Carleton, is a work for the -mothers of the Amerikan Union."—<i>London Times, June 6th, 1869.</i></p> - -<hr class="sm" /> - -<p>"Josh Billings' Farmers' Allminax iz az phull ov gems az a diamond -neklace, az phull of knowledge az Webster's Spellin Book, and az phull -of cooking and cures az a parson's wife."—<i>London Atheneum, May 31st, -1869.</i></p> - -<hr class="sm" /> - -<p>"The virtewous thoughts in Josh's Allminax iz gin cocktails for the -idle, and brandy straights for the viscious."—<i>Atlantik Semi-Monthly, -May 3d, 1869.</i></p> - -<hr class="sm" /> - -<p>"The Billings' Allminax will prove a rare acquisition tew Amerikan -literature; the astronomikal calculashuns are unique, the language -elegant, the moral perfekt, the sentiments just, and the whole thing -extremely bully."—<i>Boston Ledger, May 1st, 1869.</i></p> - -<hr class="sm" /> - -<p class="bgft">"In theze daze of tawdry novels, imbecile poetry, and florid historys, -it iz charming tew take up such a brilliant thing az Josh Billings' -Farmers' Allminax, whare philosophy and sentiment frolik together, and -whare wit sits in state, with one arm around the waist ov -morality."—<i>Omaha Patriot, July 4th, 1869.</i></p> - -<hr class="chap" /> - - -<h3><br /><i>JANUARY MONOGRAPH.</i></h3> - - -<p class="bgft">This month waz named after one Janus, a sharp sighted old chap, with a -face like a pikaxe, so that he could look both ways at once, back onto -the old year, and forward onto the new one. At the latter part ov his -life he died of a thaw, leaving a snug little property, sum six or seven -hundred dollars, which akordin tew one ov the bye-laws ov hiz will, waz -invested in tin back thermometors, and distributed amung the suffering -poor ov his native village, az mementoze ov Janus.</p> - - -<h4>DOMESTIX RECEIPTS.</h4> - -<p class="blockquot">Tew find the square root ov a hog's noze, turn him into a gardin patch.</p> - -<hr class="sm" /> - -<p class="blockquot">Tew enjoy a good reputashun, giv publickly, and steal privately.</p> - -<hr class="sm" /> - -<p class="blockquot">Tew remove grease from a man's karakter, let him strike sum sudden ile.</p> - -<hr class="sm" /> - -<p class="blockquot">Tew giv oysters an extra good relish, eat them at sumboddy else's -expense.</p> - -<hr class="sm" /> - -<p class="blockquot2">Tew git wrong things out ov yure child's head,—comb it often.</p> - - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;"> -<img src="images/i_008a.png" width="400" height="368" alt="rattlesnake sticking out of hole" /> -</div> - -<p class="blockquot">I never argy agin a suckcess, when i see a rattlesnaixs -hed sticking out ov a whole, i bear off to the left, and say to -miself—that hole belongs to that snaix.=</p> -<p class="blockquotr">Josh Billings</p> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;"><br /><br /> -<img src="images/i_009a.png" width="400" height="389" alt="cider barrels" /> -</div> - -<p class="blockquot">Cider may be a good temprance beverage, but i hav seen -folks git so drunk on it, that they couldn't tell one ov the 10 -commandments from a bye law or a base bawl klub.=</p> -<p class="blockquotr">Josh Billings</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p class="bqb13"><br />Q.–What iz an old bachelor?<br /> - -A.–The hero ov a cot bedstead.</p> - -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i12"><i>He who bi farmin would git ritch,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i12"><i>Must plough, and so, and dig, and sich,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i12"><i>Work hard all day, sleep hard all nite,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i12"><i>Save every cent, and not git tite.</i><br /></span> -</div></div> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 450px;"><br /> -<img src="images/i_010a.png" width="450" height="797" alt="almanac January 1870" /><br /><br /> -</div> - - - -<hr class="chap" /> - -<h3><br /><i>FEBUARY MONOGRAPH.</i></h3> - -<p class="bgft">This month haz but 28 days, the extreme kold weather that prevails haz -puckered up the month. Once in four years thare iz a big melt and then -the month swells, and haz 29 days. This month iz looked upon az -unpleasant, and it iz unpleasant for digging out woodchucks, but for -setting in front of the fire, and skinning apples, and snapping the -seeds at the galls, it kant be beat. The name ov this month is derived -from an old Chinese word (now lost) which means <i>condem kold</i>.</p> - - -<h4>USEFUL HINTS TEW BOARDIN HOUSE KEEPERS.</h4> - -<p class="blockquot">In buying roast beef, dont forgit, that roast beef, tew be bully, must -be tuff.</p> - -<hr class="sm" /> - -<p class="blockquot">Be kerful how yu soke yure makrel, too mutch sokeing, takes the wear out -ov them.</p> - -<hr class="sm" /> - -<p class="blockquot">In selekting a yung goose for yure table, dont forgit tew remember, that -the longer a goose has lived in this world, the more experience he will -hav, when he cums tew be chawed.</p> - -<hr class="sm" /> - -<p class="blockquot">Keep a cow, and then the milk wont hav tew be watered but once.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p class="bqb8"><br />Q.–What iz the best kure for lazyness?<br /> - -A.–Milking a cow on the run, and living on the milk.</p> - -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i11"><i>Bring out yure bran nu cutter,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i12"><i>And git yure galls consent,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i11"><i>Then hitch up Dobbin, or sum other kruttur,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i12"><i>And let the animile went.</i><br /></span> -</div></div> - - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 450px;"><br /> -<img src="images/i_012a.png" width="450" height="787" alt="almanac February 1870" /><br /><br /> -</div> - -<hr class="chap" /> - -<h3><br /><i>MARCH MONOGRAPH.</i></h3> - -<p>This month derives her pedigree from the Danish verb "<i>Whizz</i>," which -means to blow, to wheeze, to snort, to pitch in endways, and crossways, -to shake winder blinds, to smash barn doors, to skare pigs, to brake -clothes lines, to make men sware, and wimmin balky. March iz principally -immense for wind, but whare it all cums from, and whare it all goes to, -are prize conumdrums which i kant untangle Dogs kreated this month -invariably hav the bark on.</p> - - -<h4><i>ATTENSHUN FARMERS.</i></h4> - -<p class="pb2">Rathbun's "Old oaken bucket washing masheen." For washing, bleaching, -bileing, wringing, starching, blueing, hanging out, drieing, ironing, -marking, fluting, and folding clothes, this lovely masheen haz no -competitor in the male, or femail world. This iz the only masheen in the -western hemisphear, that takes the inside cloth oph from a man's back on -the keen jump, and puts it back agin, in 15 minnitts, washed, dried, -ironed, starched, the buttons sowed on, and the collar turned down. Ask -for Rathbun's Old oaken bucket washing masheen, and keep asking till yu -git it, and when yu hav got it, hug it tew yure buzzum.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p class="bqb10"><br />Q.–Will yu pleaze to define suicide?<br /> - -A.–Suicide iz cheating the doktors out ov a job.</p> - - -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i12"><i>Mend fences now, and diches dig,</i></span> -<span class="i12"><i>Lay in some cow, and little pig,</i></span> -<span class="i12"><i>For milk, and pork,</i></span> -<span class="i8"><i>Iz what enables a man tew do a good square day's work.</i></span> -</div></div> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 450px;"><br /> -<img src="images/i_014a.png" width="450" height="773" alt="almanac March 1870" /> -</div> - - -<hr class="chap" /> - - - - -<h3><br /><i>APRIL MONOGRAPH.</i></h3> - - -<div class="poem"> -<span class="i10">"April, dear April, chuck full ov charms,</span> -<span class="i10">Cum, cum, oh cum, tew mi arms,"</span> -</div> - -<p>thus warbled the poet, more than twelve thousand years ago, and he knew -his bizz, he had the right sting in him, he want none ov yure pedigree -poets, nor dispepshee poets, nor whiskee poets.</p> - -<p class="bgft">Dandylions planted this month are almost sure tew hed out, so are tud -stools, so are hed cheeze. This month iz also helthy for planting -onions, onions are a luxury, and are good for a bad breth, or are bad -for a good breth, i hav forgot which, but either way iz right.</p> - - -<h4><i>VALUABEL ADVICE TEW YUNG SPORTSMEN.</i></h4> - -<p class="blockquot">☛ In fishing for musketoze dont wait for them tew bite the seckond time.</p> - -<p class="blockquot">☛ The best bait for bed bugs, iz tew sleep three in a bed.</p> - -<p class="blockquot">☛ The best mark for target praktiss iz an old maskuline goose, one goose -will last yu for five years shooting, and when he finally gits struck -with lightning, and begins tew perish, yu kan melt him up, and git out -the lead.</p> - -<p class="blockquot">☛ The best kind ov a spear, for bullfrogging, iz a four tined dung fork, -when you git the tines all full, shoulder the fork, and put for home.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p class="bqb10"><br />Q.–How long kan a goose stand on one leg?<br /> - -A.–Try it,—that's the way the goose found out.</p> - - -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i12"><i>Jethro Sparks cum tew town,</i></span> -<span class="i13"><i>Athwart a kussid mule,</i></span> -<span class="i12"><i>He wound hiz ears around hiz nek,</i></span> -<span class="i13"><i>And called him April Phule.</i></span> -</div></div> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 450px;"><br /> -<img src="images/i_016a.png" width="450" height="788" alt="almanac April 1870" /> -</div> - -<hr class="chap" /> - - - -<h3><br /><i>MAY MONOGRAPH.</i></h3> - - -<p class="bgft">May iz the belle ov the year, she haz worn the belt for five thousand -years. If May hadn't hav been a sensible girl, she would hav bin spilte -long ago with poetry and stanzy. But she is an independant kritter, and -dont care one kuss for stanzy. This iz an eazy month tew fall in love, -our naturs are now fully thawd out, after the late kold snap, and like a -little melted brook, begin tew look around, tew find another little -melted brook tew mix with. Oh! how precious and delightsum it iz to mix. -Hive bees during this month, if yu hav got sum, if not, hive sumboddy -else's.</p> - - -<h4><i>PATTENTS ISSUED DURING 1869.</i></h4> - -<p>Feb. 1st. To Ambrose Griddle, Esq., a pattent for a hen's egg, which -beats the natral egg for awl purposes, except, cooking, hatching, and -eating.</p> - -<hr class="sm" /> - -<p>April 13th. To Ezra Push, Jun., a pattent for a one wheeled velosipede. -This wise instrumentality haz two handles tew it, and iz purswaded by -taken hold ov the handles, and walking between them with a shove moshun. -If it wasn't a velosipede, it would be an old fashioned wheelbarrow.</p> - -<hr class="sm" /> - -<p class="bgft">March 10th. To David Gibson, for a pattent goose yoke. These yokes are -packed in cotton wool, and sent bi express all over the face ov the -earth, they are sudden tew yoke a goose with, and no goose should be -without one.</p> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;"> -<img src="images/i_018a.png" width="400" height="398" alt="dog pulled along on lead" /> -</div> - -<p class="blockquot">I thank the Lord that thare iz one thing in this world -that money kant buy, and that iz,—the wag ov a dogs tail.=</p> -<p class="blockquotr">Yure Unkle, Josh Billings</p> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;"><br /><br /> -<img src="images/i_019a.png" width="400" height="397" alt="chained bull" /> -</div> - -<p class="blockquot">The infidel argys just az a Bull duz chained to a post, -he bellows, and paws, but he don't git loose from the post i notiss.=</p> -<p class="blockquotr">Not mutch, Josh Billings</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p class="bqb8"><br />Q.–What will yu compare old maids to?<br /> - -A.–Embers on the harth, from which the sparks have fled.</p> - -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i12"><i>The Rooster now with burstin thrut,</i></span> -<span class="i13"><i>Proklaims the rozy morn,</i></span> -<span class="i12"><i>And cacklin hens are telling us,</i></span> -<span class="i13"><i>Another egg is born.</i></span> -</div></div> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 450px;"><br /> -<img src="images/i_020a.png" width="450" height="765" alt="almanac May 1870" /> -</div> - -<hr class="chap" /> - -<h3><i>JUNE MONOGRAPH.</i></h3> - - -<p class="bgft">June iz twin sister tew May, lacking a month. She iz named after Juno, -the spouze ov Jupiter, and she waz a stirring woman. June iz the mother -of rozes and milk. June iz the stepmother of good gras butter, she iz -also grate granmother ov Bakon and Spinnage. June iz a praktikal gusher, -and i love tew stand one side, and let her gush,—i hav made it a rule -never tew git in the way ov a gush ov enny kind,—i say tew everything, -gush! oh, gush!</p> - - -<h4><i>WORDS TEW HOUSEWIFES.</i></h4> - -<p class="blockquot">To make a cheap soup, take 5 drops ov good strong onion juice, add 2 -gall's ov water, bile 10 minnitts karefully, and seazon with a couple ov -phatt cockroches.</p> - -<hr class="sm" /> - -<p class="blockquot">To make a hoe kake, take a hoe and bile it tew a thin jell, and -then,—let her kake</p> - -<hr class="sm" /> - -<p class="blockquot">Tew skin a Eel, turn him inside out, and remove the meat with a Jack -plane</p> - -<hr class="sm" /> - -<p class="blockquot">Tew make a hen lay 2 eggs a day, reazon with her; if that dont dew, -threaten to chastize her if she dont.</p> - -<hr class="sm" /> - -<p class="blockquot2">Tew learn yure offspring to steal, make them beg hard for all that yu -giv them.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p class="bqb10"><br />Q.–Whi are robbers like rain?<br /> - -A.–Bekauze they fall on the just and the unjust.</p> - -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i12"><i>Now bate yure hook, and find a brook,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i13"><i>Where water runs the fasstest,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i12"><i>Thare lays the trout, jist jerk him out,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i13"><i>And chuck him in yure basket.</i></span> -</div></div> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 450px;"><br /> -<img src="images/i_022a.png" width="450" height="776" alt="almanac June 1870" /> -</div> - -<hr class="chap" /> - - -<h3><i>JULY MONOGRAPH.</i></h3> - - -<p class="bgft">July iz the sixth month, which ackounts for its being so near the middle -ov the year. It derives its name from "Julos" a hot old phellow, who -settled near the equator, at an early day, and kept every boddy in hiz -naberhood, in a profound swett. July haz menny features ov <i>interest</i>, -the <i>principle</i> one ov which, iz, the payment ov semi-annual <i>interest</i>, -by most ov the banks, on the fust day ov the month, upon their -<i>principal</i>. This iz a fine old custom, and i hope it will be kept up, -for i own a leetle bank stock, and take sum <i>interest</i> in the -<i>principle</i>.</p> - - -<h4><i>A NEW TOOL.</i></h4> - -<p class="center">"<i>Rogers grate western hoss rake.</i>"</p> - -<p class="bgft">John Rogers revolving, expanding, uncerimonius, self-adjusting, -self-contrakting, self-sharpening, self-greasing, and self-righteous -Hoss Rake, iz now, and forever, offered tew a generous publik. Theze -rakes are az eazy tew keep in repair az a hitching post, and will rake -up a paper ov pins, sowed broad kast, in a ten aker lot ov wheat -stubble. Theze rakes kan be used in the winter for a hen roost, or be -sawed up into stove wood for the kitchen fire. No farmer, ov good moral -karakter, should be without this rake, not even if he haz to steal one.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p class="bqb10"><br />Q.–Whare do the vain go tew when they die?<br /> - -A.–The barbers shop.</p> - - -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i10"><i>Young man!–let hornets be, and dont go nigh</i><br /></span> -<span class="i11"><i>The pizen snaik tew mutch.</i><br /></span> -<span class="i10"><i>For during the month ov Julii,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i11"><i>They aint helthy tew the tutch.</i></span> -</div></div> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 450px;"><br /> -<img src="images/i_024a.png" width="450" height="782" alt="almanac July 1870" /> -</div> - -<hr class="chap" /> - - - -<h3><i>AUGUST MONOGRAPH.</i></h3> - - -<p>This month, for sum reazon, haz got a hot way ov doing things. Awl natur -unties her corsets and loafs bi the side ov brooks, with stockingless -feet, tew ketch the cool words ov singing waters, and watch the bubles -ov sweet, that rize on the noze ov the green frog, az they set down on -themselfs, on the moss upholstered stones.</p> - -<p class="bgft">Butter spreads itself freely during this month. Snakes slip eazy, and -Cupid crawls behind the shadder ov a dieing roze, and shutes hiz gun at -the galls, and boys.</p> - - -<h4><i>THINGS WORTH KNOWING.</i></h4> - -<p class="blockquot">Tew milk a kicking cow, stand oph about 10 foot, and holler "<i>So I</i> darn -you."</p> - -<hr class="sm" /> - -<p class="blockquot">Tew make light bread, do az the bakers do,—call 9 ounces a pound.</p> - -<hr class="sm" /> - -<p class="blockquot">Tew make oxtale soup, bile an ox in a pot, and let the caudel -continuation hang over the edge ov the pot and drip.</p> - -<hr class="sm" /> - -<p class="blockquot">Tew git at the solid kontents ov yure wife's tongue, be verry sweet with -the new skool mom in yure distrikt.</p> - -<hr class="sm" /> - -<p class="blockquot2">Tew break a mule—commence at his head.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p class="bqb9"><br />Q.–What iz the capacity ov an omnibus?<br /> - -A.–The same az a grave yard, it takes all that cums.</p> - - -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i15"><i>Now chop doun oats.</i><br /></span> -<span class="i15"><i>And hew doun barley,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i15"><i>Rize with the sun,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i15"><i>And go tew bed arly.</i></span> -</div></div> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 450px;"><br /> -<img src="images/i_026a.png" width="450" height="764" alt="almanac August 1870" /> -</div> -<hr class="chap" /> - - - -<h3><i>SEPTEMBER MONOGRAPH.</i></h3> - - -<p class="bgft">September iz named after "Septus" which thrashed out into Amerikan, -means seven. I wouldn't take 500 dollars for the latin i know, and i -don't kno mutch nuther. Sept. iz a lakadaisikal month, mello az the -dekayed side of a punkin, and as sensitive az a boarding school miss, -during her fust quarter in french. Natur makes her will this month—hogs -root violently—birds hold convenshuns, and adjourn down south—tree -toads boost each other up trees and warble sum anthems—katydids chew -musick and spit it out freely, and bull frogs post their books.</p> - - -<h4><i>MORE ADVICE TEW YOUNG SPORTSMEN.</i></h4> - -<p class="blockquot">In shooting at a deer that looks like a calf, always aim so az tew miss -it if it iz a calf, and to hit it if it iz a deer.</p> - -<hr class="sm" /> - -<p class="blockquot">In fishing for krabs, use yure fingers for bait, yu kan feel them when -they fust bite.</p> - -<hr class="sm" /> - -<p class="blockquot">Dont fire at a bumble bee on the wing, not till he settles, then take -good aim, and knok him endways.</p> - -<hr class="sm" /> - -<p class="blockquot2">In bobbing for Eels, use a raw potato, yu may not bag much Eels, but yu -kan bag a bob, that yu kan hand down tew yure ancestors untarnished.</p> - - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;"> -<img src="images/i_028a.png" width="400" height="413" alt="man combing mustash" /> -</div> - -<p class="blockquot">Thare are but fu sights in this life, more sublime, and -pathetick than to see a poor, but virtiuous yung man, struggling—with a -mustash.=</p> -<p class="blockquotr">It iz thus, Josh Billings.</p> - - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;"><br /><br /> -<img src="images/i_029a.png" width="400" height="419" alt="man at signpost" /><br /><br /> -</div> - -<p class="blockquot">I hav seen men so fond ov argument, that they would -dispute with a guide board, at the forks ov a kuntry road, about the -distance to the next town.=</p> -<p class="blockquotr">What fools, Josh Billings</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p class="bqb8"><br />Q.–How fast duz sound travel?<br /> - -A.–The sound ov a dinner horn travels one mile in a seckond.</p> - -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i15"><i>This month pull flax,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i16"><i>And teeth that ake.</i><br /></span> -<span class="i15"><i>Lay in bees wax,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i16"><i>And emptins kake.</i><br /></span> -</div></div> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 450px;"><br /> -<img src="images/i_030a.png" width="450" height="791" alt="almanac September 1870" /> -</div> - -<hr class="chap" /> - - - -<h2><i>OCTOBER MONOGRAPH.</i></h2> - - -<p>October iz one ov the fall months, Adam iz sed tew hav fell this month, -but sich assershuns are like standing oph a half a mile, in a cloudy -day, and guessing at the number ov fleas on a dorg, more sincere, than -sartain. The strongest attrakshun for me, in this month, iz her natral -cider; the man who don't admire good natral cider, must be a condem -phool.</p> - -<p class="bgft">Prepare for a hard winter during this month, bi repenting ov yure sins, -and gitting up a good big wood pile.</p> - - -<h3><i>PECK'S CHURN, AND BRISTOW'S SOWING MASHEEN.</i></h3> - -<p>Theze churns are the pride ov invenshun, the genius ov improvement, a -viktory over time, and a conquest ov labor. They will fetch butter from -cream in 2 seckonds, from milk in 2 minnitts, and from water, inside ov -a very short time. Better be without a spellin book, or even a pack of -kards, in a growing family, than not tew hav one ov Peck's Churns. Peck -iz a philanthropist, every housewife in the world, should put on a clean -white apron, hold up both hands on high, and shout, Bully!! oh! Bully! -for Peck.</p> - -<hr class="sm" /> - -<p class="bgft">Buy Bristow's double-thread, cross-stitch, rivet-seam, dovetail-hemmer, -lighting-movement, krank-moshun sowing masheen. Theze masheens took all -the premiums at the late lamented Paris imposishun, and one ov them, -which waz sent tew a farmer in Tiogy county last fall, on trial, sowed -up the whole family in a hard not, in less than three days, besides -sowing fourteen acres of winter rye.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p class="bqb11"><br />Q.–Will you pleaze to state what lies are?<br /> - -A.–Lies are the grease on the snaiks belly.</p> - -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i12"><i>The yello korn now scents the gale,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i13"><i>And harvest boys the milk maids wake,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i12"><i>With matin songs, in praizes of,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i13"><i>Hasty puddin, and Johnny kake.</i><br /></span> -</div></div> - - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 450px;"><br /> -<img src="images/i_032a.png" width="450" height="777" alt="almanac October 1870" /> -</div> - - -<hr class="chap" /> - - - -<h3><i>NOVEMBER MONOGRAPH.</i></h3> - - -<p class="bgft">Everyboddy wants tow be sassy at November—to turn her the cold -shoulder—tew nuss all their old akes anew—tew look az sour az a -pot-bellyed pickle—tew hunt for a kat's tale tew step at,—but i aint! -November iz when i harvest mi happiness, when i gather into mi pious -korn krip, the moral sowing ov the whole year. I am only sorry for one -thing during the month ov November, and that iz, that i am sich a poor, -weak, unsartin, sinnerly cuss, and that mi nabers aint much better than -i am.</p> - - -<h4><i>SUM MORE HINTS TEW BOARDIN-HOUSE KEEPERS.</i></h4> - -<p class="blockquot">1st. If your boarders take sugar, and milk, in their kaughphy, dont put -in mutch sugar, bekauze yu kno they hav milk, and dont put in but little -milk, bekauze they hav sugar.</p> - -<hr class="sm" /> - -<p class="blockquot">2d. Bukwheat kakes made out ov wheat bran kost less, and soak up -molasses more carefully.</p> - -<hr class="sm" /> - -<p class="blockquot">3d. In negotiating for sassige, do yure bizzness with the bolony men, -then you kno what yu are gitting yu kant alwus tell what country sassige -kontains.</p> - -<hr class="sm" /> - -<p class="blockquot2">4th. Be kind tew cockroaches, for they often make a plate of butter last -a whole week, and when you pray, alwus pray for the light eaters.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p class="bqb11"><br />Q.–What iz the eazyest vittles tew digest?<br /> - -A.–A good joke.</p> - -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i12"><i>Pick apples now, and cider make,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i13"><i>And in a barrel juice it,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i12"><i>Then git a straw, without a flaw,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i13"><i>And through the straw seduce it.</i></span> -</div></div> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 450px;"><br /> -<img src="images/i_034a.png" width="450" height="782" alt="almanac November 1870" /> -</div> - -<hr class="chap" /> - - - -<h3><i>DECEMBER MONOGRAPH.</i></h3> - - -<p class="bgft">This iz the last month in the Josh Billings Farmers Alminax. Other -dutys, ov a maskuline natur hav forced us tew haul in our gang plank. We -would like tew hav hung on a month or two longer, and made a big thing -ov it. Dear Reader we must part, and it iz like pulling angleworms out -ov their holes, almost sure tew part the angleworms. I shall think ov yu -az long az i liv, please tew resiprokate, when yu remember me, by -uttering a tear. I hav taken a kontrakt tew remove the muskeeters from -the State ov Nu Jersee, west of the Rocky Mountains, tew their new -reservashun, and i am anxious tew git the bulk ov them started before -they thaw out. I may lose mi life in the undertakin, but i have bin told -by good judges, that it is sweet tew die for ones country. I kant tell -whether this iz so or not, i never tried it. Good bye, this kussid -muskeeter kontrakt iz wearing on me.</p> - - -<h4><i>FAMILY MEDICINE.</i></h4> - -<p class="center"><i>Joel Biggs' Sticking Salve.</i></p> - -<div class="poem"> - -<span class="i10">A thing well stuck, iz stuck forever.<br /></span> -<span class="i10">This salve will stick enny man.<br /></span> -<span class="i10">It will undoubtedly stick the "coming man."<br /></span> -<span class="i10">It haz stuck every man that haz cum yet.<br /></span> -<span class="i10">No family should be without this matchless sticker.<br /></span> -<span class="i10">(Unless they are too much stuck up allreddy.)<br /></span> -<span class="i10">It iz put up in sticks twenty feet long,<br /></span> -<span class="i10">To stick a man at a distance.<br /></span> -<br /> -</div> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p class="bqb12"><br />Q.–Let us hear yu define water?<br /> - -A.–Water iz,—iz goose bitters.</p> - -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i12"><i>Pile hi the harth, with beechen wood</i>,<br /></span> -<span class="i13"><i>Load down the kitchen table,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i12"><i>Fill up the old klay pipe,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i13"><i>And go it while yure able.</i></span> -</div></div> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 450px;"><br /> -<img src="images/i_036a.png" width="450" height="784" alt="almanac December 1870" /> -</div> - -<hr class="chap" /> - - - -<h3><i>EXTRA EKLIPSES FOR THE YEAR 1870.</i></h3> - - -<p class="blockquot">There will be eklipses this year which have been overlooked by other -Allminax makers.</p> - -<hr class="sm" /> - -<p class="blockquot"><i>First.</i>—Thare will be semiockasional eklipses ov the moon, kauzed bi -brandy smashes gitting between that virtewous and pale old woman, and -the eyes ov sum ov our most promising young men.</p> - -<hr class="sm" /> - -<p class="blockquot"><i>Second.</i>—There will be a few eklipses ov the Son, kauzed bi the old -gentleman cutting oph the supplys ov Charles Fitz Henry Augustus. (Bully -for the old gentleman.)</p> - -<hr class="sm" /> - -<p class="blockquot"><i>Third.</i>—Thare will be domestik eklipses (visibel only tew the naked -eye) kauzed bi the new Comet Sorosis jumping out ov her pasture, and -cantering around promiskuss.</p> - -<hr class="sm" /> - -<p class="blockquot2"><i>Fourth.</i>—Thare will be teetotal eklipse during the whole of the <i>Year -1870</i>, ov all other Allminax, throughout the earth, upper and lower -kanada, and sum parts ov Nu Jersee, kauzed bi the immense circulashun ov -the <span class="smcap">Josh Billings' Farmers' Allminax</span>.</p> - - -<hr class="chap" /> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 450px;"> -<img src="images/i_038a.png" width="450" height="64" alt="Pordunk Valley Railroad" /> -</div> - -<h3>RULES, BY-LAWS, AND REGULASHUNS.</h3> - - -<p>1. Conduktors are positively forbid trieing tew pass each other on a single -track.</p> - -<p>2. Passengers are warned ov the great danger ov standing on the -platforms,—menny a promising man haz lost hiz life by having a platform -drop from under him.</p> - -<p>3. Positively no droves ov cattle or swine allowed on this road unless -they are travelling the same direckshun the trains are.</p> - -<p>4. Engineers are earnestly requested tew keep their cow ketchers well -greased, and will bear in mind that when a cow iz ketched the hide -belongs tew them; but the beef and tallo iz tew be sent immejiately tew -the president of the road.</p> - -<p>5. Enny switchman running a train oph from the trak will be find 10 -dollars, and interest on the fine at the rate of 4 per cent per annum -untill the fine iz paid.</p> - -<p>6. No konduktor iz invited tew remain on this road 10 minnits who hasn't -heard ov the 10 commandments, espeshily the one which sez "<i>thou shalt -not spondulick thyself with the dimes ov another</i>."</p> - -<p class="bgft">7. No charges made on this road for coroners' inquests.</p> - -<hr class="chap" /> - - -<h3>HOW THEY DO TALK</h3> - -<h5>ABOUT</h5> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 450px;"> -<img src="images/i_039a.png" width="450" height="98" alt="Josh Billings' Farmers' Allminax" /> -</div> - -<h4>FOR THE YEAR 1870.</h4> - - -<p class="blockquot">"Giv me liberty, or giv me deth, but if i kant hav either, giv me Josh -Billings' allminax for 1870."</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p class="blockquot">"It kured mi wife ov wanting to die."</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p class="blockquot">"It iz like peper sass in a hot day."</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p class="blockquot">"The Billings Allminax will go father in a family than 12 dozen ov -ginger popp."</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p class="blockquot">"When i am sad and lonely, i fli tew its pages, like a bumblebee tew a -full blown dandylion."</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p class="blockquot">"It gave me grate presence ov mind."</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p class="blockquot">"My wife brings up her ophspring, and duz all her plain sowing bi yure -allminaxes."</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p class="blockquot2">"How cooling, and perforating it iz."</p> - -<hr class="chap" /> - - -<h4><i>THE NATRAL HORNET</i></h4> - -<p class="bgft">The hornet iz a red hot child ov natur, ov sudden impreshuns, and a -sharp konklusion. The hornets alwus fites at short range, and never argy -a case, they settle all ov their disputes bi letting their javelin fly, -and are az certain, and az anxious tew hit, az a mule iz. Hornets bild -their nest whereever they take a noshun to, and seldum are asked to -move, for what would it profit a man tew murder 99 hornets, and have the -one hundred one hit him with hiz javelin. I kan't tell you jist tew a -day how long a hornet kan live, but I kno from experience, that every -bug, be he hornet or sumboddy else, who iz mad all the time, and stings -every good chance he kan git, generally outlives all ov his nabors.</p> - - -<h4><i>DOMESTIK RECEIPTS.</i></h4> - -<p class="blockquot">To make good ginger-snaps, take one pound of ginger, stir in a half -dozen ov lively snaps, do them to a brown, and then lock them up, or the -yung ones will hook them.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p class="blockquot">To learn a dog tew follow well, tie him tew the hind end ov an express -train.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p class="blockquot">To find out whether a man has got a good moral karakter or not, ask him -pleasantly.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p class="blockquot2">To cure herring,—use Godfrey's Kordial.</p> - - -<h4><i>THE PROMISCUSS COCKROACH.</i></h4> - -<p class="bgft">The Cockroach iz a bug at large. He iz one ov the luxurys ov -civilizashun. The Cockroach iz born on the fust ov May, and the fust ov -November semi-annually, and iz reddy for use in fifteen days from date. -They are born four from each egg, and consequently they are all twins; -thare iz no sich thing in the annals ov natur, az a single cockroach. -Their food seems to consist, not so mutch ov what they eat, az what they -kan git into, and often finding them ded, in the soup, at mi boarding -house, I have cum tew the painful conclushun, that the cockroach kan't -swim, but that he kan float for a long time.</p> - - -<h4><i>HINTS TEW YUNG WIFES.</i></h4> - -<p class="blockquot">1. Don't undertake tew liv with yure mother-in-law, but if wuss cums tew -a wussness, let yure mother-in-law liv with yu.</p> - -<hr class="sm" /> - -<p class="blockquot">2. Never let yure husband kno more than one haff the affeckshun yu hav -for him.</p> - -<hr class="sm" /> - -<p class="blockquot">3. Don't name a yung one after a bachelor brother, nor a bachelor -sister.</p> - -<hr class="sm" /> - -<p class="blockquot2">4. Observe theze rules fondly, keep yure feet dri, and yure hair slick, -and yu will prove a model wife, (and after that), an acceptable widder.</p> - - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;"> -<img src="images/i_042a.png" width="400" height="398" alt="man sitting with feet up on seat opposite" /> -</div> - -<p class="blockquot">I notiss one thing,—the man who rides on the kars every -day, iz satisfied with one seat, but he who rides once a year, wants 4.=</p> -<p class="blockquotr">That's so. Josh Billings</p> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;"><br /><br /> -<img src="images/i_043a.png" width="400" height="402" alt="man writing poetry" /> -</div> - -<p class="blockquot">The man whom yu kant git to write poetry, or tell the -truth, untill yu git him haff drunk aint worth the investment.=</p> -<p class="blockquotr">No sir. Josh Billings<br /><br /></p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p class="bqb10"><br />Q.–Who waz the best dead beat?<br /> - -A.–Cain: he dead beat his brother Abel.</p> - - -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i10"><i>He who by the plough would thrive,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i10"><i>Must no 2 forty kattle drive,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i10"><i>But worry the ground to and fro,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i10"><i>With horned kritters who skasely seem to go.</i><br /></span> -</div></div> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 450px;"><br /> -<img src="images/i_044a.png" width="450" height="771" alt="almanac January 1871" /> -</div> - -<hr class="chap" /> - -<h3><br /><br /><i>THE UNIVERSAL SWINE.</i></h3> - -<p class="bgft">The Swine, (almost always) hav four legs, tho thare iz sum remarkable -exceptshuns to this rule. Swine are good quiet boarders; they alwus eat -what is sot before them, and don't ask enny phoolish questions. The -Swine kan be larnt a great menny amusing things, sich az highsting the -front gate oph from the hinges, and finding a hole in the fence to git -into the cornfield, but it iz dredful hard work for them tew find the -same hole tew git out at, espeshily if yu are in a hurry to hav them. -This haz never bin fully explained, but speaks vollums for the swine. -Swine can all root well, a swine that kant root well, iz a poor job.</p> - - -<h3><i>HINTS TEW YUNG HUSBANDS.</i></h3> - -<p class="blockquot">1. Marriage iz a fair transackshun on the face of it.</p> - -<hr class="sm" /> - -<p class="blockquot">2. Sum marry for buty, and never diskover their mistake; this iz lucky.</p> - -<hr class="sm" /> - -<p class="blockquot">3. Sum marry for pedigree and feel big for six months, and then cum tew -the conklusion, that pedigree aint no better than skim-milk.</p> - -<hr class="sm" /> - -<p class="blockquot">4. Sum marry tew pleaze their relashuns and are surprized that their -relashuns don't kare a cuss for them afterwards.</p> - -<hr class="sm" /> - -<p class="blockquot2">5. Marry Yung!—thare iz but one good excuse for a marriage late in -life, and that iz,—a seckond marriage.</p> - - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p class="bqb10"><br />Q.–What iz the best thing out yet for real comfort?<br /> - -A.–An aking tooth.</p> - -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i11"><i>Now gather round the kitchen fire,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i11"><i>And pile the chunks on hier and hier,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i11"><i>Git out the old fiddle and partners choose,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i11"><i>And shake her down in your cowhide shoes.</i><br /></span> -</div></div> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 450px;"><br /> -<img src="images/i_046a.png" width="450" height="770" alt="almanac February 1871" /> -</div> - - -<hr class="chap" /> - - -<h3><br /><br /><i>THE GRITTY ANGLEWORM</i>.</h3> - -<p class="bgft">Angleworms are ov earth, earthy, and crawl for a living. The angleworm, -tho full of grit, iz not quarrelsome. It is sed (by naturalists) that -angleworm ile, rubbed on the back ov the neck will cure a man ov lieing. -I don't beleave this, unless it kills the man. Death is the only safe -cure (that haz bin diskovered yet) for the falssehood disseaze. -Angleworms are used by sum people az an artikle ov diet—(to ketch fish -with). They are handy tew put onto a hook, and are dredful handy tew -take oph agin, az every wicked person knows who haz fished all day -Sunday for daice in a mill-pond.</p> - - -<h3><i>HOUSEKEEPER'S GUIDE.</i></h3> - -<p class="blockquot">To make boarding-house hash, take a little ov every thing, a good deal -ov nothing, and throw in a chunk ov sumthing; jam to a mux, cook over a -kold fire, season with hair pins, and sarve it up on the jump.</p> - -<hr class="sm" /> - -<p class="blockquot">To bring up a child in the way he should go, travel that way yourself -once in a while.</p> - -<hr class="sm" /> - -<p class="blockquot2">To find the solid contents ov a mule's hind legg, feel ov it clussly.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p class="bqb13"><br />Q.–Who iz the coming man?<br /> - -A.–The female suffragist.</p> - -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i11"><i>Dear girls and boys, take mi advice,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i11"><i>And don't go on the rotten ice;</i><br /></span> -<span class="i11"><i>For many a gal has fell chuck in,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i11"><i>And thus has ketched her final ducking.</i><br /></span> -</div></div> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 450px;"><br /> -<img src="images/i_048a.png" width="450" height="771" alt="almanac March 1871" title="" /> -</div> - -<hr class="chap" /> - -<h3><br /><i>THE BELLYCOSE GOAT.</i></h3> - -<p class="bgft">The Goat iz a coarse wollen sheep, with a cracked voice and a sanguine -digestion. They had rather steal a rotten turnip out ov a garbage -barrell than cum honestly bi a peck ov oats. They strike from the hed -insted ov the shoulder, and are az likely tew hit the mark az a -bumblebee iz. They are faithfull kritters in the hour ov adversity, and -will stick tew a man az long az he lives in a shanty. They kan klimb -evrything but a greased pole, and are alwus poor in the boddy, but phatt -in the stummak. What they eat seems tew all go tew appetight. A phatt -Goat would be a literary curiosity.</p> - - -<h3><i>PREMIUMS.</i></h3> - -<h4><i>Awarded to Velosipede Riders in 1870.</i></h4> - -<p class="blockquot">To Abram Parsons, a premium ov 33-1/8 dollars for riding a velosipede -down the back stairs ov a gimnazium, and knocking out 18 ov hiz front -teeth, and distorting hiz noze.</p> - -<hr class="sm" /> - -<p class="blockquot">To Nimrod Sturgiss, a copper medal with 9 dollars, and a nu pair ov dorg -skin gloves, for riding a velosipede into a mill-pond, and gitting -drowned.</p> - -<hr class="sm" /> - -<p class="blockquot2">To Marshall Peaboddy Smith, a puss ov 2 dollars, and a life membership -in the mackerel club, for riding a velosipede over a nu milch cow, and -splitting a telegraph pole from top tew bottom.</p> - - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p class="bqb12"><br />Q.–Define the "fust impreshun."<br /> - -A.–A mother's kiss.</p> - -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i12"><i>April phool was born this month,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i13"><i>A simpleton, but clever;</i><br /></span> -<span class="i12"><i>And tho 4000 years ov age,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i13"><i>He's just az big a phool az ever.</i><br /></span> -</div></div> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 450px;"><br /> -<img src="images/i_050a.png" width="450" height="789" alt="almanac April 1871" /> -</div> - - -<hr class="chap" /> - -<h3><br /><i>THE MELODIUS CAT.</i></h3> - -<p class="bgft">The cat hath been called a domestik animile but i never could tell -whyfore. All thare iz domestix about a cat iz, yu kant loze one; they -are as tuff to loze az a bad reputashun iz. Yu may send one out ov the -state done up neatly in a meal-bag, and the next morning yu will find -him along side ov the kitchen stove reddy tew be stepped on. They are az -sollum az Mozes, but az phull ov the devil as Judas Iskariott Esq. Thare -iz only one thing about a cat that i like, and that iz, they are very -reasonable; a little money, well put, will go a grate way in cats. Cats -are very plenty in this world just now I counted 18 from mi boarding -house windo, one moon lite nite last summer, and it want the best kind -ov a nite for cats neither.</p> - - -<h3><i>FAMILY NOSHUNS.</i></h3> - -<p class="blockquot">To pick out a tender goose, pinch him, and if he squeals, buy him.</p> - -<p class="blockquot">To make good sharp pickles, whittle oph both ends ov them tew a pint.</p> - -<p class="blockquot">To find how fur a frog kan jump, set a Frenchman to meazureing hiz -jumps.</p> - -<p class="blockquot2">To git the affectashun out ov a man, make him sea sick, (when a man iz -sea sick he iz inclined tew thro up all phoolish things).</p> - - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;"> -<img src="images/i_052a.png" width="400" height="384" alt="fiddle player" /> -</div> - -<p class="blockquot">Thare iz nothing so hard for us to understand, and so eazy for others, -az that we hav fiddled our tune out.=</p> -<p class="blockquotr">Kindly yure. Josh Billings</p> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;"> -<img src="images/i_053a.png" width="400" height="475" alt="man with three dogs" /> -</div> - -<p class="blockquot">Thare iz no man so poor but what he kan afford to keep one dog,—and i -hav seen them so poor, that they could afford to keep three.=</p> -<p class="blockquotr">J. Billings Esq<br /><br /></p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p class="bqb10"><br />Q.–What waz the name of Shakspear's dog?<br /> - -A.–Dog-Berry.</p> - -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i11"><i>Now plant oats and gardin sass,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i12"><i>Yoke geese, and black snakes kill;</i><br /></span> -<span class="i11"><i>Set hens; set traps for thieving rats;</i><br /></span> -<span class="i12"><i>Set what you please, but don't set still.</i><br /></span> -</div></div> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 450px;"> -<img src="images/i_054a.png" width="450" height="790" alt="almanac May 1871" /> -</div> - -<hr class="chap" /> - -<h3><i>THE BRINY CODFISH.</i></h3> - -<p>The codfish iz the fruit ov the oshun, which accounts for their being so -salt. They are good eating for a wet day; they are better than an -umbreller to keep a man dry. They want a good deal ov freshning before -they are eaten, and want freshning a good deal afterwards.</p> - -<p class="bgft">If i can have plenty ov codfish for breakfast, i can generally manage -tew make the other two meals out of cold water.</p> - - -<h5><br />(<i>Advertisement.</i>)</h5> - -<h3><i>MELKISIDEK BREWSTERS LIGHTNING ROD.</i></h3> - -<p class="blockquot">For drawing lightning, theze rods hav grate strength and endurance.</p> - -<p class="blockquot">They will draw litening from the uttermost parts ov the earth, or pull -it in two.</p> - -<p class="blockquot">Yu may bury one of theze rods 10 foot under ground, and litening will -hunt till it finds it.</p> - -<p class="blockquot">Yu mite az well undertake tew eskape natral deth, or a constable's -warrent, az tew eskape litening with one ov theze rods ov yure house.</p> - -<p class="blockquot2">Buy one ov Melkisidek's rods, and if yu haint got enny house tew put it -on, you kan set it up at the forks ov the road, and steal all the -litening in the naberhood.</p> - - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p class="bqb11"><br />Q.–What iz a good "_counter irritant_"?<br /> - -A.–A young dri goods clerk.</p> - -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i12"><i>In this month, more than all the rest,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i12"><i>Things seem tew jump their very best;</i><br /></span> -<span class="i12"><i>Carrots and yungones, purp and kitten,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i12"><i>Like Joner's gourd, are up, and gittin.</i></span> -</div></div> -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 450px;"><br /> -<img src="images/i_056a.png" width="450" height="781" alt="almanac June 1871" /> -</div> - -<hr class="chap" /> -<h3><i>THE FREQUENT FLY.</i></h3> - -<p class="bgft">The fly iz not only a domestik critter, but a friendly one. How they git -born i don't kno, but i hav thought they didn't wait tew be born, but -come just az they am. Menny ov them are cut off in the flower of their -youth, and usefulness. Sum loze their lives by lighting too near the rim -ov a toad's mouth, and fall in when the toad gaps. Thousands find a -watery grave, bi gitting drowned,—in milk-cans. Flys morally considered -are like other human beings, they wont light on a good helthy spot in a -man, not if they can find a place that iz a little raw. I beleave they -are ov temprate habits, and altho they hang around grocerys a good deal, -i never see a fly the wuss for liquor, but i hav often seen liquor, that -waz a good deal the wuss for flys.</p> - - -<h3><i>WANTED.</i></h3> - -<p class="blockquot">Wanted, several fust class yung men, with mustash, tew hang around the -vestibules ov the different churches in amerika, and stare at the -females az they pass out.</p> - -<p class="blockquot">Yung men who understand the use ov tobacco prefered.</p> - -<p class="blockquot">No yung men accepted who kant stare the brass buttons oph from a -military coat, at twenty paces.</p> - -<p class="blockquot">This iz a rare chance for yung men ov real genius.</p> - -<p class="blockquot">Salary payable weekly.</p> - -<p class="blockquot2">References exchanged.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p class="bqb10"><br />Q.–When iz a ship az sick az her passengers are?<br /> - -A.–When she heaves too.</p> - -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i12"><i>Hornets now are on the wing,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i12"><i>Red hot, and crazy for to sting:</i><br /></span> -<span class="i12"><i>Oh, don't go ni the tarnal kritters!</i><br /></span> -<span class="i12"><i>For they are sure, and pizon hitters.</i><br /></span> -</div></div> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 450px;"><br /> -<img src="images/i_058a.png" width="450" height="771" alt="almanac July 1871" /> -</div> -<hr class="chap" /> - -<h3><br /><i>THE READDY ROOSTER.</i></h3> - -<p>Roosters are the pugilists among birds, and having no suitable shoulder -tew strike from, they strike from the heel. When a rooster gits whipped -the hens all march off with the other rooster if he aint haff so big, or -so hansum. It is pluck that wins a hen. Roosters az a class wont do enny -household work; yu kant git a rooster tew pay enny attenshun tew a -yungone. They spend most ov their time in crowing and strutting, and -once in a while they find a worm, which they make a grate fuss over, -calling their wives up from a distance, apparently tew treat them, but -jist az the hens git thare, this elegant cuss bends over, and gobbles up -the worm.</p> - -<p class="bgft">Jist like a man for all the world!</p> - - -<h3><i>HOUSEHOLD COMFORTS.</i></h3> - -<p class="blockquot">Tew git rid ov cockroaches,—sell yure house, and lot, and flee tew the -mountains.</p> - -<p class="blockquot">Tew make a slapjax that will do grate service,—cut it out ov buckskin, -and fri it tew a koal black on a greaseless griddle.</p> - -<p class="blockquot">Tew pick out a good husband!—shut up both eyes, grab hard, and trust in -the Lord.</p> - -<p class="blockquot2">Tew make a kat mad,—trod on her continuashun.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> -<p class="bqb12"><br />Q.–Why iz woman like an echo?<br /> - -A.–Bekauze she will hav the last word.</p> - -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i11"><i>All nature bileth.</i><br /></span> -<span class="i12"><i>Roosters pant and so do lizzards;</i><br /></span> -<span class="i11"><i>The mules upon the dusty road</i><br /></span> -<span class="i12"><i>Kan't raise a trot, to save their gizzards.</i><br /></span> -</div></div> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 450px;"><br /> -<img src="images/i_060a.png" width="450" height="779" alt="almanac August 1871" /> -</div> -<hr class="chap" /> - -<h3><br /><i>THE DOOCED MONKEY.</i></h3> - -<p class="bgft">The monkey iz only valuable tew look at, and wonder what in thunder he -iz a going tew do next. He haz not got a Webster head, but hiz face iz a -biled down dew drop ov malishus cunning. He resembles the skey terrier -in the bild ov hiz features, and skratches his head az natral az the -school boy,—and probably for similar reasons. They are sumtimes kept az -pets, but if enny boddy should pet me with a monkey, i should send him -right back bi the same person who brought him, marked with <i>Baldwin The -Clothiers</i> trademark,—C. O. D.</p> - - -<h3><i>KONNEKTIKUT BLEW LAWS.</i></h3> - -<p class="blockquot">1. No man must chu enny tobbacko on the sabbath day unless he goes down -cellar and duz it.</p> - -<p class="blockquot">2. No yung woman haz a right tew be had in matrimony unless she kan make -a good doe nut out ov rhy bran, and one that will keep a year in a damp -place, without loseing its twist.</p> - -<p class="blockquot">3. If a man gits drunk, he must git drunk on Nu England rum.</p> - -<p class="blockquot2">4. No man shall be entitled tew work on the road, or set on the jury, -who aint handy with the 10 commandments.</p> - - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 397px;"> -<img src="images/i_062a.png" width="397" height="371" alt="man with hair in middle parting" /> -</div> - -<p class="blockquot">If a young man haint got -a well ballanced hed, i like to see him part hiz -hair in the middle.=</p> - -<p class="blockquot">Dont yu, Josh Billings</p> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;"><br /><br /> -<img src="images/i_063a.png" width="400" height="378" alt="whist players fighting" /> -</div> - -<p class="blockquot">It iz one ov the hardest -things on earth for a man to learn,—that he plays a -third rate game ov whist.=</p> - -<p class="blockquot2">No doubt, Josh Billings</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p class="bqb11"><br />Q.–What is wealth?<br /> - -A.–Baggage at the risk of the owner.</p> - -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i10"><i>The carrion crow sits straddle the fence,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i11"><i>Trying az hard az he can to weep,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i10"><i>Az he thinks ov death and its consequence</i><br /></span> -<span class="i11"><i>To spavined hosses and rickety sheep.</i><br /></span> -</div></div> - - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 450px;"><br /> -<img src="images/i_064a.png" width="450" height="774" alt="almanac September 1871" /> -</div> - -<hr class="chap" /> - -<h3><br /><i>THE LOAFING RACCON.</i></h3> - -<p class="bgft">The Raccon iz a native amerikan. His family consists ov one wife, and -three children, who liv with him on the inside ov a tree. During the -winter he ties himself up in a hard knot, and lays down bi hiz fire -side. When spring opens, he opens too, and goes out tew see how the -chickens hav wintered. I never knew a raccon tew want enny thing long, -that he could steal quick. I hav had tame coons bi the dozen, but i dont -advise enny boddy tew cultivate coons; they want as much waiting on az a -blind mule on a tow path, and thare aint enny more real proffit in them, -than thare iz in a stock dividend, on the Erie railroad.</p> - - -<h3><i>HOME DOINGS.</i></h3> - -<p class="blockquot">Tew freshen a salt mackerel,—tow him one summer behind a steam bote.</p> - -<p class="blockquot">Tew make a man good mad,—starch hiz stockings a leetle too stiff.</p> - -<p class="blockquot">Tew be one ov the "<i>oldest inhabitants</i>," remember very well, when yung -Nebudkenezzer waz a babe.</p> - -<p class="blockquot2">Tew be happy,—eat molasses, and swing on a gate.</p> - - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p class="bqb8"><br />Q.–What did Joner do while in the whale's stumak?<br /> - -A.–The best thing he did waz tew git out ov it.</p> - -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i11"><i>Sweet cider now, and punkin pize,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i12"><i>And maidens fair, and doughnuts greasy:</i><br /></span> -<span class="i11"><i>Who wouldn't be a farmer's boy,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i12"><i>So phull ov phun, so free and eazy?</i><br /></span> -</div></div> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 450px;"><br /> -<img src="images/i_066a.png" width="450" height="787" alt="almanac October 1871" /> -</div> - -<hr class="chap" /> - -<h3><br /><i>THE THOUGHTFUL FOX.</i></h3> - -<p class="bgft">The Fox iz a literary bird; he waz a genius long before akedemick honors -flourished; he waz a poet, skoller, and sage, before the days ov Homer -and Herodotus; and in our times he iz the Ben Butler ov diplomacy, and -the Brigham Yung ov matrimonial ethicks. The fox haz no moral honesty -but he haz got a grate supply of <i>politikal honesty</i>. If another Fox in -hiz parish wants a good phatt goose, he will work hard tew git him the -goose, and having cleaned the meat all oph from the subburbs ov the -goose, giv hiz politikal friend the bones, telling him with a smile in -hiz eye, "<i>that every thing iz lovely and the goose hangs hi</i>."</p> - - -<h5>[<i>Advertisement.</i>]</h5> - -<h3><i>MADAM FILKINS LIQUOR FOR BABES.</i></h3> - -<p class="blockquot">Cures hooping coff, meazels, pane in the side, mumps, teething, cancer, -rickets, redgum, and bawling.</p> - -<p class="blockquot">Cures gout, hang nails, <i>wont go tew sleep</i>, stummak ake, and <i>want -every thing they see</i>.</p> - -<p class="blockquot">Removes warts, wens, wigglings, an wizenface.</p> - -<p class="blockquot">Mothers lament for Madam Filkins liquor for babes.</p> - -<p class="blockquot">Babes bawl for it.</p> - -<p class="blockquot">Nurses pray for it.</p> - -<p class="blockquot2">Fathers buy it bi the barrell.</p> - - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p class="bqb14"><br />Q.–What iz ginger pops?<br /> - -A.–Gim-nastick water.</p> - -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i12"><i>The bullfrog haz hung up hiz fiddle,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i13"><i>The bug and the cricket are still;</i><br /></span> -<span class="i12"><i>No more can be heard in the marshes,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i13"><i>The musketo fileing hiz bill.</i><br /></span> -</div></div> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 450px;"><br /> -<img src="images/i_068a.png" width="450" height="772" alt="almanac November 1871" /> -</div> - -<hr class="chap" /> - -<h3><br /><i>KALKULASHUNS OV A PROGNOSTIX NATUR.</i></h3> - -<p>Whenever yu see a flok ov geese all standing on one leg, except the old -gander, and he chawing hiz cud, look out for a south-west wind tewmorow, -or the next day, or the day after, or at sum fewter time.</p> - -<p>Should thare be cold weather during Febuary, and should roosters refuse -to crow, and the taxgatherer forgit tew call on yu, yu will hav tew -trust in Providence, and go it blind, for thare aint no man kan -prognostix what will cum next.</p> - -<p>Whenever dogs are seen travelling around with nothing to do and old -maids refuse their tea, and hop vines wont klimb, and grind stuns wont -grind, then yu may expekt a lite crop ov oats, and beans wont pay for -harvesting.</p> - -<p>If the sun rizes in the east, and sets in the west, and the bull frogs -sings sams in the marshes, and thare aint no pulling hair in the family -circle, things are about az near right az yu can git them.</p> - -<p>Should there be no dew on the grass, in the morning before sunrise, it -iz an infallible prognostix, that thare didn't enny dew fall.</p> - -<p class="bgft">Whenever yu see two crows on the railfence, one white and the other -black, edgeing up to each other, look out for a nigger in the wood -pile.</p> - - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p class="bqb16"><br />Q.–What is pity?<br /> - -A.–Cheap charity.</p> - -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i12"><i>Now kil pigs and bucher hens,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i13"><i>Murder geese and ducks that quack,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i12"><i>Chop down wood, and sassage make,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i13"><i>And evenings play—Hylojack.</i><br /></span> -</div></div> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 450px;"><br /> -<img src="images/i_070a.png" width="450" height="760" alt="almanac December 1871" /> -</div> - -<hr class="chap" /> - -<h3><br /><i>LETTER TO FARMERS.</i></h3> - -<h4><i>Beloved Farmers</i>:</h4> - -<p>Agrikultur iz the mother ov farm produce; she iz also the step-mother ov -gardin sass.</p> - -<p>Rize at haff past 2 o'clock in the morning, bild up a big fire in the -kitchen, burn out two pounds ov kandels, and grease yure boots.</p> - -<p>Wait pashuntly for da brake. When day duz brake, then commense tew stir -up the geese and worry the hogs.</p> - -<p>Too mutch sleep iz ruinous tew geese and tew hogs. Remember yu kant git -ritch on a farm, unless yu rize at 2 o'clock in the morning, and stir up -the hogs and worry the geese.</p> - -<p>The happyest man in the world iz the farmer; he rizes at 2 o'clock in -the morning, he watches for da lite tew brake, and when she duz brake, -he goes out and stirs up the geese and worrys the hogs.</p> - -<p>What iz a lawyer?—What iz a merchant?—What iz a doktor?—What iz a -minister?—I answer, nothing</p> - -<p>A farmer iz the nobless work ov God; he rizes at 2 o'clock in the -morning, and burns out a haff a pound ov wood and two kords ov kandels, -and then goes out tew worry the geese and stir up the hogs.</p> - -<p>Beloved farmers, adew.</p> - -<p class="blockquotr"> -<span class="smcap">Josh Billings.</span><br /> -</p> - - -<hr class="chap" /> - - -<h3><i>EXTRAKT OV LETTERS</i>.</h3> - -<p class="blockquotr"> -<i>Fredom Senter, Nov. 17th, 1870.</i></p> -<p class="blockquot"> -<span class="smcap">Friend Billings</span>:<br /> -</p> - -<p class="blockquot">Thi Allmanax for 1871 waz good for the flesh, az well az for the soul ov -man; it fatted me distinktly on the ribs. <i>I remane thine.</i></p> - -<p class="blockquotr"> -<i>Obadiah Broadbrim.</i><br /> -</p> - -<hr class="sm" /> - -<p class="blockquot"> -<span class="smcap">Mr. Billings</span>:<br /> -</p> - -<p class="blockquot">We shall hereafter embody yure Allmanaxes in our journal.</p> - -<p class="blockquotr"> -<i>Editor of London Athaneum.</i><br /> -</p> - -<hr class="sm" /> - -<p class="blockquot"> -<span class="smcap">Dear Josh Billings</span>:<br /> -</p> - -<p class="blockquot">Enklosed in this letter, yu will find 17 cents for one allmanaxt; i am -poor, and this iz all the money i hav got, and i haint got no live -mother.</p> - -<p class="blockquotr"> -<i>Charley Briggs, Jun.</i><br /> -</p> - -<hr class="sm" /> - -<p class="blockquotr"> -<i>Klamburgh, Oktober 30, 1870.</i><br /> -<br /> -<span class="smcap">Dear Misser Josh</span>:<br /> -</p> - -<p class="blockquot">The lor bles yuse, and yuse allmanaksts for 1871; it made dis chile -perspire gratuitussly wid bliss.</p> - -<p class="blockquot"> -Yure cullud person friend,</p> - -<p class="blockquotr"><i>Josepheen Johnsing.</i><br /> -</p> - -<hr class="sm" /> - -<p class="blockquot"> -<span class="smcap">Mister Joshua Billings</span>:<br /> -</p> - -<p class="blockquot2">I hav both ov yure 2 allmanaxes for 1870 and 1871, and wish yu would -send me bi the barrow yure allmanaxes for 1872 and 1873 and 1874, -exklusive. I will emit the munny in a fu daze. No more now from yure -loveing friend, <i>Jerusha Sheldon</i>, dauter ov widdo Sheldon, near -Spraker's Mill, on the Coshokton pike.</p> - - -<hr class="chap" /> - -<h3><i>HOROSKOPE FOR JANUARY.</i></h3> - - -<p>The yung gentleman born this month will remane a bachelor untill hiz 16 -year, and will hav kurly hair. He will finally settle down still, and -marry for life. Hiz father will be a grate lover ov phast horses. He -will liv tew be over 60 years ov age, and die worth about 750 dollars, -klear ov awl debt.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p class="bgft">The yung lady born this month will kno how tew pla on the pianner, and -nit worsted. She will be a blondy, and be near sited, and fall in luv -with grate diffikulty. She will finally git wedded tew the man she -marrys, and her whole life will be eazy. If she marrys the seckond time -her husband will be a dentist or an alderman.</p> - - -<h3><i>ADVICE TEW YUNG KLERGYMEN.</i></h3> - -<p class="blockquot">Dont preach the gospel for less than 850 dollars a year, salary payable -quarterly in advance.</p> - -<p class="blockquot">A congregashun who kant afford tew pay 850 dollars a year, want a -missionary more than they do a klergyman.</p> - -<p class="blockquot">Be sure and run the church; don't let the church run you.</p> - -<p class="blockquot2">Az i sed up at the top, git az mutch ov yure salary az possible in -advance, for i dont kno ov enny det so hard tew kollekt az a minister's -salary, after it once gits kold.</p> - - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;"> -<img src="images/i_074a.png" width="400" height="397" alt="man at dentist" /> -</div> - -<p class="blockquot">It iz so eazy to advise another fellow to set down in a -dentists chair, and hav a big dubble tooth jerkt out, that i hav often -wondered whi we didn't try it ourselfs.=</p> -<p class="blockquotr">Less so. Josh Billings</p> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;"><br /> -<img src="images/i_075a.png" width="400" height="423" alt="huge money bag" /> -</div> - -<p class="blockquot">I say to 2 thirds ov the ritch people in this world—make -the most ov yure money, for it makes the most ov yu.=</p> -<p class="blockquotr">Happy thought.= Josh Billings<br /><br /></p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p class="bqb10"><br />Q.–Who had the best artikle ov pashunce?<br /> - -A.–Job. His pashunce waz biled down to a spot.</p> - -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i13"><i>A stirring man iz nabor Bush,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i14"><i>Yu never ketched him idle;</i><br /></span> -<span class="i13"><i>Six daze he works, and sundaze he</i><br /></span> -<span class="i14"><i>Salts geese, and reads the bible.</i><br /></span> -</div></div> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 450px;"><br /> -<img src="images/i_076a.png" width="450" height="765" alt="almanac January 1872" /> -</div> - - -<hr class="chap" /> - - -<h3><i>HOROSKOPE FOR FEBUARY.</i></h3> - - -<p>The man born this month will be good looking, but too mutch prone tew -toe in when he walks. He will hav 2 wifes, and a small hand, except when -he plays whist; then he will hav a big one. Hiz fust wife will be -kross-eyed, but hiz seckond one will be kross all over. He will hav 4 -children, who will all pass through the meazles, with grate credit tew -themselfs and no disgrace tew the meazles.</p> - -<hr class="sm" /> - -<p class="bgft">The yung female born during this month will show grate judgement in -sorting her lovers, and will finally marry a real estate agent. She will -hav a phew failings; but who cares? she wouldn't be interesting if she -didn't. At 28 she will be a widow, and at stated intervals will be -inklined tew gush a little. (<i>For the sake of variety we say, let her -gush.</i>)</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - - -<h3><i>A GOOD FAMILY JOB.</i></h3> - -<h4>(<i>To kure bed bugs.</i>)</h4> - -<p class="bgft">Bile the bed bugs tew a gravy; then take equal parts ov sassyfrass rutes -and mingle with the gravy; then find a hoel in the ground that aint -occupied; then pour the gravy into the hoel; then fasten up the hoel -with 2 pounds ov gunpowder; then tutch off the hoel with a 10 foot poel; -then run like litening. If this don't kure the bed bugs, and the hoel -too, they hav both got it the natral way, and kan't be healed.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p class="bqb12"><br />Q.–What iz the surest gait on the road?<br /> - -A.–A toll-gate.</p> - -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i11"><i>Sim Blodget waz an awful brag,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i12"><i>Alwus telling sumthing or nuther,</i>—<br /></span> -<span class="i11"><i>"Square Brown and he kept 60 cows!"</i><br /></span> -<span class="i12"><i>The square kept 59, and Sim the tuther.</i><br /></span> -</div></div> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 450px;"><br /> -<img src="images/i_078a.png" width="450" height="779" alt="almanac February 1872" /> -</div> - - -<hr class="chap" /> - - - - -<h3><br /><i>HOROSKOPE FOR MARCH.</i></h3> - - -<p>The man born this month will be inklined tew blow a little. He will be a -domestik man, and will kno how to rok the kradle and pare potatoze. He -will marry the only daughter of a widdo, and will be a good judge of -mothers-in-law. He will die about the usual time in life, and leave a -house and lot, with a small mortgage on it. He never will run for offiss -but once, and then will git beat.</p> - -<hr class="sm" /> - -<p class="bgft">The woman who appears this month will be an old maid till she is 20 -years old, and then will sudenly put a stop tew this kind ov bizzness, -by investing in a yung man. She will be a good housekeeper, and kno how -tew make a plum puddin, with the plums left out. She will hang on to her -buty till she iz about 45; after that, she will hav to take her chances.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - - -<h5><br />[<i>Advertizement.</i>]</h5> - -<p>Professor John Spruce (<i>graduate</i>) begs leaf tew inform the citizens ov -Pordunk village that he will open a school for male yung men, over -Nikodemus Bradley's waggon shop, in whitch will be taught the nobel art -of chawing gum, in all the hier branches.</p> - -<p><i>Private lessons</i> administered tew yung ladiz at their boarding-house. -The Professor pledges himself tew teach, in six easy lessons, the -gum-chawing science tew a spot.</p> - -<p class="bgft"><i>N. B.—Seckond hand gum alwus on hand, for sale low.</i></p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p class="bqb12"><br />Q.–Who iz the champion ov lite weights?<br /> - -A.–The Nu Jersey muskeeter.</p> - -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i11"><i>Dame Barker had a yerling hen,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i12"><i>Who swore she'd set, or raze the dickens;</i><br /></span> -<span class="i11"><i>The dame sot her on an ear ov korn,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i12"><i>And razed a bushel an haff ov chickens.</i><br /></span> -</div></div> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 450px;"><br /> -<img src="images/i_080a.png" width="450" height="782" alt="almanac March 1872" /> -</div> - - -<hr class="chap" /> - - - -<h3><i>HOROSKOPE FOR APRIL.</i></h3> - - -<p>The man born this month will hav a liquid temprament, but not -necessarily inklined tew licker. Hiz grate aim will be tew git married; -and he will git hiz bird, bi marrying a butiful and also good-looking -wife. They will liv happy az two lambs, and leave one son, whom they -intended should be president ov the United States, but who very wisely -konkluded tew be a merchant taylor.</p> - -<hr class="sm" /> - -<p class="bgft">The lady born this month will hav blew eyes, and a full set ov teeth. -Her heart will be az tender az a porterhouse steak. She will keep a lap -dorg, who will hav weak eyes, and whose christian name will be Fanny. -She will die and leave a bed-quilt, which will go down tew posterity, -with upwards of 7 hundred blocks in it.</p> - - -<h5>[<i>Advertizement.</i>]</h5> - -<h3><i>JOB SARGENT'S KLENSING SOPE.</i></h3> - -<p class="pb2">Job Sargent, being ov sound mind, and expressly afrade ov the devil, -dont hesitate tew say that his klensing sope will take the spots oph -from everything.</p> - -<p class="blockquot">1st. It will remove the spots from a coach dog in 3 daze.</p> - -<p class="blockquot">2d. It will take the spots oph from a ten ov dimonds in 15 minnits.</p> - -<p class="blockquot">3d. Kan the leopard change his spots?—i answer it kan, bi using Job -Sargent's only klensing sope.</p> - -<p class="blockquot">4th. Persons ov a spotless reputashun, and anxious tew keep so, will -never be without this sope.</p> - -<p class="blockquot2">5th. Job Sargent never told a lie—so did George Washington.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p class="bqb10"><br />Q.–What iz the fastest trotting-time on reckord?<br /> - -A.–I dont kno az I kare.</p> - -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i12"><i>A sloven farmer waz old Snyder;</i><br /></span> -<span class="i12"><i>He spent his time a drinkin syder.</i><br /></span> -<span class="i12"><i>Together he worked a cow and muel,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i12"><i>And never sent his boys tew skewel.</i><br /></span> -</div></div> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 450px;"><br /> -<img src="images/i_082a.png" width="450" height="776" alt="almanac April 1872" /> -</div> - - - -<hr class="chap" /> - - - -<h3><i>HOROSKOPE FOR MAY.</i></h3> - - -<p>The gentleman who invests hiz life in this month will be very quick -tempered, espeshily when a hornet lights on him in anger. His mother -will set a good deal by him, espeshily when he iz in the kradle. He will -hav the mumps very light, and will spend most ov his life intending tew -marry, but will die at last with a half dozen old maids on hiz hands. -The wash wimmin will remember him az the man who never wore paper -collars.</p> - -<hr class="sm" /> - -<p class="bgft">The lady born this month will fust be a bud, and afterwards a blossom. -Her heart will be az full ov twitter as a kanary bird on a perch. She -will hav twilight hair. She will hav menny lovers. She will be -reasonabel fond ov silk clothes, but her grate joy will be in a bonnet. -She will hav az little jealousy az it is prudent for a woman tew hav.</p> - - -<h3><i>CHOICE OLD RECEIPTS.</i></h3> - -<p class="blockquot">To learn a kat how tew bite—feed her on kat nip tea.</p> - -<hr class="sm" /> - -<p class="blockquot">To remove goose pimples (from a goose)—loose the goose.</p> - -<hr class="sm" /> - -<p class="blockquot">To kure a weak back—lay still for a week ahead.</p> - -<hr class="sm" /> - -<p class="blockquot">To make yure mark—fall out ov a third story windo.</p> - -<hr class="sm" /> - -<p class="blockquot2">To ketch a bad kold—lay down on the ground, and watch for it, bi -moonlite.</p> - - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;"> -<img src="images/i_084a.png" width="400" height="385" alt="cats at night" /> -</div> - -<p class="blockquot">Kats are plenty. I kounted 18 from mi boarding hous -window one night last summer—and it wasn't a fust rate nite for kats -neither.=</p> -<p class="blockquotr">A sollum fakt. Josh Billings</p> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;"><br /><br /> -<img src="images/i_085a.png" width="400" height="389" alt="third rate fiddler" /> -</div> - -<p class="blockquot">One ov the most unfortunate men in this world—iz a third -rate fiddler,=</p> -<p class="blockquotr">Yure warm friend<br /> - -Josh Billings<br /><br /></p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p class="bqb13"><br />Q.–Who got the fust caneing?<br /> - -A.–Abel.</p> - -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i12"><i>Now in the ground hide unyun seed,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i13"><i>Bury korn, and beetz, and lettiss;</i><br /></span> -<span class="i12"><i>Chuck in sum peas, and lima beans,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i13"><i>If the arth dont seem tew wettish.</i><br /></span> -</div></div> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 450px;"><br /> -<img src="images/i_086a.png" width="450" height="772" alt="almanac May 1872" /> -</div> - - -<hr class="chap" /> - - - -<h3><i>HOROSKOPE FOR JUNE.</i></h3> - - -<p>The male individual born during June will be one of 7 children, but not -the only one. He will hav 3 brothers, and one sister, who will marry a -hard shell baptist preacher. He will studdy law, and enter the profeshun -with gilt edge prospekts, but his fust klient being a counterfiter, whom -he succeeds in gitting clear, and receiving 50 dollars in counterfit -money for his services, disgusts him with the bizzness.</p> - -<hr class="sm" /> - -<p class="bgft">The female who appears on the platform this month will alwus hav cause -tew wonder whi she did it. Her father will be a skool teacher, and he -will bring her up in the distrikt skool bizzness. At 29 years and six -months she will marry, and will be well edukated in the dutys ov a wife, -for she will understand Daball's arithmetik, and parseing, just az eazy -az falling down the cellar stairs. She will hav but one son, and he will -be edukated oph from hiz feet at an early age.</p> - - -<h3><i>ANNOUNCEMENT EXTRORNARY.</i></h3> - -<h5>(<i>Advertizement.</i>)</h5> - -<p>Phelix Phungus (<i>dog dokter</i>), late ov the royal vetenary college, and -12 years in a doggery in the old country, offers hiz services tew the -Pordunk people. He kan remove fleas from a dog in 16 minnits; he kan -take the krook out ov a dog's tail in 13 minnits; he kan learn a dog tew -lie in front ov a fire all day in 12 minnits; he kan tell how fast a dog -kan run hitched tew a tin pail in 3 minnits; and kan tell how mutch -sassage he will make bi just hefting him. Consultashuns free.</p> - -<p class="blockquotr"><span class="smcap">P. P. D. D. Phelix Phungus, Dog Doktor.</span><br /><br /></p> - - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p class="bqb8"><br />Q.–Who waz the weakest man?<br /> - -A.–Fred Bennett couldnt lift hiz note for fifteen dollars.</p> - -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i13"><i>Mary Moore iz a farmer's lass,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i14"><i>She's winsum az a pozy;</i><br /></span> -<span class="i13"><i>The chap who ketches Mary Moore,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i14"><i>Wont be no kuntry josey.</i><br /></span> -</div></div> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 450px;"><br /> -<img src="images/i_088a.png" width="450" height="783" alt="almanac June 1872" /> -</div> - - -<hr class="chap" /> - - - -<h3><i>HOROSKOPE FOR JULY</i>.</h3> - - -<p>The man mortal who cums tew the scratch this month will be a grate lover -ov politikal life, and after menny stormy trips will settle in hiz -natiff village a konstable, elekted by 19 majority. He will liv tew be -ripe with old age, and hiz posterity will wonder how he managed tew -spend a whole life in politiks, and keep out ov state prizon. (<i>Hiz -posterity probably aint aware that a term in state prizon iz a good kard -tew run for offiss on.</i>)</p> - -<hr class="sm" /> - -<p class="bgft">The girl born this month will flash like a streak ov yello sunshine. She -will be sought after like the balm ov menny flowers. She will hav poetry -for breakfast, and spend the rest ov the day on zephyrs and chocalate -karamels. The man who gits her for a wife will change into a butterfly, -and the two will be seen, sum sweet nite this month, flieing away to the -song ov the crickets.</p> - - -<h3><i>ADVICE TEW YOUNG MEN.</i></h3> - -<p class="blockquot">Dont be diskouraged if yure mustash dont gro; it sumtimes happens whare -a mustash duz the best, nothing else duz so well.</p> - -<p class="blockquot">Dont be afrade ov enny thing that iz honarable, and dont forget that the -best friend that God haz given enny one iz hiz conscience.</p> - -<p class="blockquot">Larn tew wait!—this iz a hard gait for a yung man tew travel, but iz -the surest way tew git thare.</p> - -<p class="blockquot2">If you hav got sum wild oats (and a phew wont spile yu) git them in -arly, and sow them deep, so they will rot in the ground.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p class="bqb11"><br />Q.–Which are two ov the lost arts?<br /> - -A.–Modesty, and good home-made bread.</p> - -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i11"><i>To brake a mule, or yoke a steer,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i12"><i>Bob Fletcher waz a reddy lad;</i><br /></span> -<span class="i11"><i>He and his mother worked the farm—</i><br /></span> -<span class="i12"><i>Krewel deth had took away his dad.</i><br /></span> -</div></div> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 450px;"><br /> -<img src="images/i_090a.png" width="450" height="768" alt="almanac July 1872" /> -</div> - -<hr class="chap" /> - - - -<h3><br /><i>HOROSKOPE FOR AUGUST.</i></h3> - - -<p>The gentleman born this month will hav one eye to the main chance, and -the other eye on the collatterals. He will be sharper than good cider -vinegar, and will go at a transackshun like a skotch tarrier at a rat -hole. He will be az honest az a hornet, and make az few blunders. He -will liv tew be old. Hiz wife will die young—tired out trying tew keep -up with him.</p> - -<hr class="sm" /> - -<p class="bgft">The feminine creashuns ov this month will be grate admirers ov the -sterner sex. They will fall in luv easy, but will make az phew blunders -az enny other wimmin. They will be guided bi the impulses ov their -naturs, which in most wimmen iz a safer card than their judgements. If I -hadnt got one ov the best wifes that the world haz yet produced, I -should be inclined to ask (humbly) for one ov the <i>August-as</i>.</p> - - -<h3><i>TO ALL WHOM IT MAY CONSARN.</i></h3> - -<h5>(<i>Advertizement.</i>)</h5> - -<p>Adam Dipthong (chicken champion) invites a discerning world tew peruse -hiz egg-dispensing poultry.</p> - -<p>His "<i>Hail Columbys</i>," crossed on his "<i>Star Spangled Banners</i>," iz a -hen who, for purity ov step, swavity of plumage, and modesty ov -deportment, kant be beat.</p> - -<p class="bgft">His "<i>Last Roze ov Summer</i>," hiz "<i>Merry wives ov Windsor</i>," and hiz -"<i>Love lies bleeding</i>," az a style ov poultry, haz no competitors in the -whole horizon. His "<i>Kiss me Quicks</i>," chastised with a delikate -sprinkling ov his "<i>Meet me bi moon lite alone</i>," as pullets, hav alwus -stood the test; and az roosters, are alwus reddy "tew fite it out on -this line" (or enny other) "if it takes all summer."</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p class="bqb13"><br />Q.–Who waz the fust brewer?<br /> - -A.–Satan; he brewed mischief.</p> - -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i11"><i>Come, farmers all, both grate and small.</i><br /></span> -<span class="i12"><i>The fields with yello grain are wavy;</i><br /></span> -<span class="i11"><i>Bring out yure boys, and laffing galls,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i12"><i>And make the bukweat cry Peccavy.</i><br /></span> -</div></div> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 450px;"><br /> -<img src="images/i_092a.png" width="450" height="781" alt="almanac August 1872" /> -</div> - - -<hr class="chap" /> - - - -<h3><br /><i>HOROSKOPE FOR SEPTEMBER.</i></h3> - - -<p>The man born this month will be what iz called a wit. He will be az -phull ov wit az a bottle ov ginger-pop. He kant hardly wait to hav the -cork pulled out, and when the cork iz pulled out it will take a 2 quart -bowl to hold a haff pint ov the phizz. He will make jokes which will be -az natral az blunders, and will keep hiz whole family (inkluding the -hired girl) betwixt a suprise and a guess. He will hav a house phull of -children, who will be the best jokes he perpetrates.</p> - -<hr class="sm" /> - -<p class="bgft">The lady born this month will be mistress ov the situashun. She will hav -menny admirers, but will lead them a dusty chase. After a while she will -marry, and bekum az serious az a white mice in a wire trap. Her husband -will be az proud of her az a third lutenant ov hiz fust epaulettes. Her -children will be brought up to toe the mark, and, tho different from all -the other wimmin in the naborhood, she will be admired more than -reproved.</p> - - -<h3><i>ADVISE TEW HOSS JOCKEYS.</i></h3> - -<p class="blockquot">Never swop hosses with a deakon—not if yu belong tew the same church he -duz.</p> - -<p class="blockquot">If yu hav got a hoss that you ask 200 dollars for, and are offered 75 -dollars for him, alwus sell him; dont spile a good hoss trade for 125 -dollars.</p> - -<p class="blockquot">If you should, bi acksident, git hold ov a sound hoss, git shut of him -az soon az yu kan, for yu wont be happy with him.</p> - -<p class="blockquot">If, in swopping hosses, yu git kornered, and kant lie, postpone the -trade untill next day.</p> - -<p class="blockquot2">Noboddy ever expekts tew buy a hoss without gitting cheated; tharefore, -if a hoss jockey dont lie, he loses one ov his blessed privileges.</p> - - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;"> -<img src="images/i_094a.png" width="400" height="418" alt="mouse in church" /> -</div> - -<p class="blockquot">Mice kan liv enny whare fust rate except in a -church.—they fatt very slo in a church.—this shows that they kant liv -on religion, enny more than a minister kan.</p> -<p class="blockquotr">Yures. Josh Billings</p> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;"><br /><br /> -<img src="images/i_095a.png" width="400" height="399" alt="women's rights march" /> -</div> - -<p class="blockquot">Whenever i see a real hansum woman engaged in the "wimmin -rights" bizzness, i am a going to take off mi hat, and jine the -proceshun.—</p> -<p class="blockquotr">See if i dont. Josh Billings<br /><br /></p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p class="bqb5"><br />Q.–Whi iz the meazles like fresh mackrel?<br /> - -A.–They run in schools, and hav tew be kaught before they can be had.</p> - -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i11"><i>Deakon John Jones waz a pius man,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i12"><i>But for one thing I kant lend praze;</i><br /></span> -<span class="i11"><i>'Twas asking pardon bekauze he swore,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i12"><i>When his old ram knokt him end waze.</i><br /></span> -</div></div> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 450px;"><br /> -<img src="images/i_096a.png" width="450" height="784" alt="almanac September 1872" /> -</div> - - -<hr class="chap" /> - - - -<h3><br /><i>HOROSKOPE FOR OCTOBER.</i></h3> - - -<p>The male man usherd into existence this month will be ov an enquiring -mind. The fust thing he will enquire for will be sum good cider. He will -studdy divinity at fust, but will quit that and bekum a konduktor on a -hoss rale-rode; this pays better, and haz more perquisites. He will -marry the woman ov his choice, which iz good, provided the choice iz all -right. His hair will turn grey before he dies, but after he dyes he will -hav black hair the rest of hiz days.</p> - -<hr class="sm" /> - -<p class="bgft">The woman born this month will be short ov stattue, and acquainted with -grief. She will want a grate menny things, in this world, that aint -handy tew be got. She will marry just about the right time, and -undertake tew liv with her mother in law, which iz a diffikult kontrakt -tew fill. The wimmin born this month are like a rhode island greening, -ripen slow, and are most delightful away long into the winter.</p> - - -<h4>☛ TO LET. ☚</h4> - -<p class="blockquot"><i>Enny person having an easy pill to take, that will restore a shatterd -reputashun, without change ov diet tew the pashunt, kan hav this -advertising space hily reazonable.</i></p> - -<p class="center"><i>Enquire of</i></p> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 40px;"> -<img src="images/i_097.png" width="40" height="44" alt="little bird" title="" /><br /><br /> -</div> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p class="bqb11"><br />Q.–Whare did Adam strike when he fell?<br /> - -A.–On hiz kneeze, I hope.</p> - -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i11"><i>Bukwheat kakes this month lay in,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i12"><i>Eat freely of pork and sassage;</i><br /></span> -<span class="i11"><i>Theze things kind Heaven givs to us,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i12"><i>Who in this world works our passage.</i><br /></span> -</div></div> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 450px;"><br /> -<img src="images/i_098a.png" width="450" height="772" alt="almanac October 1872" /> -</div> - - -<hr class="chap" /> - - - -<h3><br /><i>HOROSKOPE FOR NOVEMBER.</i></h3> - - -<p>The gentleman born this month will be a hard worker, but phond ov old -wine. He will forgit tew pay sum ov hiz debts, but will hav a blue eye, -and be a good singer. He will marry between 18 and 45, and be an -excellent judge ov hash on toast. He will liv a grate length, and reach -deth by a cirkuitous route.</p> - -<hr class="sm" /> - -<p class="bgft">She who cums tew see us this month will be az welkum az a dandylion in -the buzzum of winter. She will be a dutiful dauter, a warm-harted -sister, a tender mother, and a handsum wife—(Kind Heaven! send us az -menny ov this sort az convenient.)</p> - - -<h3><i>ADVICE TEW YUNG DOKTORS.</i></h3> - -<p class="blockquot">Hire an offiss on the main street of the village, and stay in the -offiss.</p> - -<p class="blockquot">When yu do go out, alwus go on the jump.</p> - -<p class="blockquot">Dont never talk mutch on enny subjek, but alwus look kussid -misterious.</p> - -<p class="blockquot">Seldum go tew church, but when yu do, alwus leave before the church -duz.</p> - -<p class="blockquot">Charge everyboddy like thunder and litening.</p> - -<p class="blockquot2">If yu pholler theze rules clussly, and don't suckceed, yu kan kum -tew the konklushun that the doktrine bizzness ain't so good as it -waz last year.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p class="blockquot"><br />Q.–Who waz the best-preserved woman that ever lived?<br /> - -A.–Lot's wife.</p> - -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i11"><i>Jane Lovell waz a farmer's wife,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i12"><i>A wife waz she wuth having, too;</i><br /></span> -<span class="i11"><i>For when Jane Lovell rooled up her sleeves,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i12"><i>Things round that hous begin tew flew.</i><br /></span> -</div></div> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 450px;"><br /> -<img src="images/i_100a.png" width="450" height="788" alt="almanac November 1872" /> -</div> - - -<hr class="chap" /> - - -<h3><i>HOROSKOPE FOR DECEMBER.</i></h3> - - -<p>The man born this month will hav a sanguine temprament. He thinks he iz -in luv with every woman he meets, and wont git married till late in -life. When he duz git wedded, he is a-going tew wed a woman who haz been -playing the same game he haz—falling in love with every man she meets. -They are both ov them going tew git cheated the wust way.</p> - -<hr class="sm" /> - -<p class="bgft">The girl born this month, tho late in the season, is a-going tew ketch -up before she gits through. She wont remane single, and iz a-going tew -be a leetle diffikult tew manage double. She will see Naples, but iz too -smart to die right off on that account. She will admire menny men, but -will love but one, and that iz her husband. If her husband iz smart -enuff to know this, they will travel through life like 2 pigeons.</p> - - -<h3><i>SIMPLE REMIDIZ.</i></h3> - -<p class="blockquot">Tew kure the bight ov a krab, soke the krab's feet in bileing hot water.</p> - -<hr class="sm" /> - -<p class="blockquot">Tew find the kontents ov a gallon ov whiskee, multiply a pint ov fusil -ile bi 8 pints ov Venice turpentine.</p> - -<hr class="sm" /> - -<p class="blockquot">Tew kure the gout, liv on Boston krackers, and saw wood for 25 cents a -kord.</p> - -<hr class="sm" /> - -<p class="blockquot">Tew make a goose good eating, bring her up tenderly.</p> - -<hr class="sm" /> - -<p class="blockquot2">Tew keep kats from being et up bi rats, muzzle the rats.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p class="bqb12"><br />Q.–How did robins git their name?<br /> - -A.–By robin cherry-trees.</p> - -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i12"><i>The farmer leads an eazy life,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i13"><i>12 hours a day ends hiz labors,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i12"><i>Evenings pares apples for cider sass,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i13"><i>Or hauls over the coals hiz nabors.</i><br /></span> -</div></div> - - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 450px;"><br /> -<img src="images/i_102a.png" width="450" height="792" alt="almanac December 1872" /> -</div> - - -<hr class="chap" /> - - - -<h3><i>AGRIKULTIBUSS.</i></h3> - -<p class="blockquot">1st. Skarsity beets are the hardest kind ov beats to beet; their grate -skarsity makes them beet all other kind ov beats.</p> - -<hr class="sm" /> - -<p class="blockquot">2d. Turnups should be planted near the top ov the ground, if yu want -them tew turn up good.</p> - -<hr class="sm" /> - -<p class="blockquot">3d. Egg plants iz good, but eggs sot under a stiddy hen will produce -more chickens than they will tew plant them.</p> - -<hr class="sm" /> - -<p class="blockquot">4th. Potatoze are gennerally a helthy krop, but they are liable tew hav -weak eyes.</p> - -<hr class="sm" /> - -<p class="blockquot">5th. Cowcumbers do the best in a lot bi themselfs; it aint best tew -cumber up a kitchen gardin with cows.</p> - -<hr class="sm" /> - -<p class="blockquot">6th. Oats will gro on sum warm land, but tew yield well they hav got tew -be thrasht; it iz jiss so with beans, only beans has got to be poled -fust, and thrasht afterwards.</p> - -<hr class="sm" /> - -<p class="blockquot">7th. Rye duz the best on a dry and thirsty sile, espeshily old rye; too -mutch water will drown out old rye.</p> - -<hr class="sm" /> - -<p class="blockquot2">8th. Tud stools will do well on a wet earth; so will tuds; but -woodchucks must hav a gravelly sile.</p> - -<hr class="chap" /> - - -<h3><i>SUM WEATHER.</i></h3> - -<h4>SINOPSUSS OV PROGNOSTIKATED EVENTS.</h4> - - -<p>The byrometer will rize very sudden this morning at Pordunk, 3 foot, and -fall the like amount at Sakramento City. The diffikulty in the weather -for the last 2 days, which haz predominated at Boston and around New -Orleans, waz owing tew the byrometer at Pordunk being took down and sent -tew the blacksmith's shop for repairs.</p> - -<p class="bgft">Clear weather haz existed at Goose kreek, and northwest ov Montreal, -with a growing tendency tew wind gustiness.</p> - - -<h4><i>PROBABILITIZ.</i></h4> - -<p>Ambrozial weather will permeate all around Pordunk for the next 16 -months, with rain and snow; and all sorts ov stuff in the ballance ov -the United States of America.</p> - -<p>The probabilitiz iz that the abuv probabilitiz will assimilate themselfs -tew the principal probabilitiz in the case.</p> - -<p>If they don't, du notiss will be giv.</p> - -<p class="bgft">In the mean time be kalm, be dignified, and don't be skeered.</p> - - -<hr class="chap" /> - -<h3><br /><i>JANUARY MISSCELLANY.</i></h3> - - -<h4>ARIES, THE ZODIAK RAM.</h4> - -<p class="bgft">Aries is a latin ram. He is kompozed ov wool all over, and horns in -front. How Aries, the ram, got into the zodiak bothers me to this day, -but he probably jumpt in out ov sumboddys back lot. This is all owing -tew bad fences. Aries waz born soon after the diskovery ov this world by -Kaptain Kook, the perambulator. Since the days ov Aries the hydraulik -ram haz been born, a very hard ram tew fleece. Aries haz the post ov -honor amung the sighns in the zodiak, and presides over the head ov the -human anatomy. This iz a just kompliment tew hiz kapacity for putting a -hed onto things. Aries, the ram, tho he haz no literary pretenshuns, haz -made menny brilliant hits in hiz day.</p> - - -<h4><i>TO MAKE GOOD MILK PUNTCH.</i></h4> - -<p class="blockquot">Take one quart ov red cow's milk.</p> - -<p class="blockquot">Strain all the water out ov the milk.</p> - -<p class="blockquot">Puntch the milk severely with santy cruize rum.</p> - -<p class="blockquot">Ramify it well with white sugar.</p> - -<p class="blockquot">Koruskate sum nutmeg on the brow ov it.</p> - -<p class="blockquot">Drink tew the Amerikan Eagle standing.</p> - -<p class="blockquot2">(This recipee haz been in the Billings family going on 300 years, and iz -desighned for one person, and always hits the mark.)</p> - - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;"> -<img src="images/i_106a.png" width="400" height="382" alt="red hot hornet" /> -</div> - -<p class="blockquot">The Hornet iz a red hot child ov natur, and haz a -bizzness end to him.=</p> -<p class="blockquotr">Respekfully, Josh Billings</p> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;"><br /><br /> -<img src="images/i_107a.png" width="400" height="412" alt="cockroach in soup plate" /> -</div> - -<p class="blockquot">The cockroach dont liv on what he eats, but what he kan -git into, and often finding him ded in mi soup, i hav cum to the -konklushun, that he kant swim, but that he kan float for a long time=</p> -<p class="blockquotr">Josh Billings<br /><br /></p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p class="bqb10"><br />Q.–What would be a good motto for a taylor?<br /> - -A.–Let her rip.</p> - -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i12"><i>Joel Briggs waz born down east,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i13"><i>Hiz hight waz 6 feet 2,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i12"><i>Hiz panterloons waz striped,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i13"><i>And hitched beneath hiz shu.</i><br /></span> -</div></div> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 450px;"><br /> -<img src="images/i_108a.png" width="450" height="785" alt="almanac January 1873" /> -</div> - - -<hr class="chap" /> - - - - -<h3><i>FEBUARY MISSCELLANY.</i></h3> - -<h4>TAURUS, THE ZODIAK BULL.</h4> - -<p class="bgft">One ov the best behaved animiles in the whole zodiak is Taurus the -zodiak bull. He is alwus laying down flat sunning himself. He dont hav -ennything tew employ hiz mind with only in fli time. Fli time iz alwus a -bizzy time with Taurus. The bull down here nowdaze iz a sour headed old -codger who goes swareing up and down the turnpike about sumthing, but in -the daze ov Virgil he had golden horns, and poetry in hiz veins. Menny -folks hav asked me what on earth they wanted a bull in the zodiak for, -and i hav always sed, it waz just az necessary az tew hav bulls in Wall -street. This always seemed tew satisfy their questions prodigiously. -Taurus governs the nek in the sighns ov the zodiak, which haz giv rise -to that tender, and klassikal sentiment, called "<i>bull necked."</i></p> - - -<h4><i>PERSONALS.</i></h4> - -<p class="blockquot">Dear One.—Enklosed please find 10 Dollars—if you kan.</p> - -<p class="blockquotr"><span class="smcap">Richard.</span></p> - -<hr class="sm" /> - -<p class="blockquot">Kum home! kum home! mi dear husband, i freely forgiv yu for all i hav -did.</p> - -<p class="blockquotr"><span class="smcap">Betsey.</span></p> - -<hr class="sm" /> - -<p class="blockquot">Waz the lady in blue, who trod on the gentleman's toe in gray, in the -8th avenew kars last frida nite corned, or waz it the toe that waz -corned?—References exchanged.</p> - -<p class="blockquotr"><span class="smcap">Pedro.</span><br /><br /></p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p class="bqb14"><br />Q.–Who fust struk ile?<br /> - -A.–Joner.</p> - -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i13"><i>Joel Briggs a pedlar waz,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i14"><i>A pedlar ov renoun,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i13"><i>He delt in tin ware and sitch,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i14"><i>And druv from toun tew toun.</i><br /></span> -</div></div> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 450px;"><br /> -<img src="images/i_110a.png" width="450" height="786" alt="almanac February 1873" /> -</div> - - -<hr class="chap" /> - - -<h3><i>MARCH MISSCELLANY.</i></h3> - -<h4>CANCER, THE ZODIAK KRAB.</h4> - -<p class="bgft">Cancer iz a hard sheld krab, and haz 2 sets ov leggs, which are lokated -on the starbord side ov their pussons. Cancer travels on hiz muscle, and -thare aint no individual sighn in the zodiak ov hiz size kan whip him. I -hav studdyed the krab clussly, and et him sloly, and I dont kno him yet. -Crabs bight with their feet, and hang on like the rumatiz. Biled krab is -good but a man must eat them bi the day, he would starve to deth eating -them bi the job. Krabs are kaught bi tieing a knot onto the end ov a -string, and dropping it down into the water whare the krab iz, and when -yu haul in the string, perhaps yu hav krab, and perhaps yu hav knot. -This iz the way a grate menny things in this world are not kaught. In -the zodiak Cancer rules the brest. I should rather hav a blister plaster -in mi buzzum than a krab or a cancer.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<h4><br /><i>WANTED BI A MIDDLE AGED MAN.</i></h4> - -<p class="blockquot">Enny one having a helthy goose, ov good moral karakter, will hear ov a -purchaser by addressing <i>Solaman Wainscote, Pordunk P. O.</i></p> - -<p class="blockquot">The goose must be broke tew eat grass.</p> - -<p class="blockquot">One that knoze how to lay 2 eggs a day prefered.</p> - -<p class="blockquot">If the goose should be a leetle tuff, no matter.</p> - -<p class="blockquot2">What we want iz a smart goose, no kussid phool goose wanted.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p class="bqb10"><br />Q.–Who iz the greatest hero ov modern times?<br /> - -A.–Josh Ward, heroed a mile in 4 minitts.</p> - -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i13"><i>Once hiz hoss had been a nag,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i14"><i>A trotting nag at that,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i13"><i>But now he waz a pelter,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i14"><i>And enny thing but phatt.</i><br /></span> -</div></div> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 450px;"><br /> -<img src="images/i_112a.png" width="450" height="774" alt="almanac March 1873" /> -</div> - - -<hr class="chap" /> - - - -<h3><i>APRIL MISSCELLANY.</i></h3> - - -<h4>VIRGO, THE ZODIAK VIRGIN.</h4> - -<p class="bgft">One ov the best preserved females ov the age iz Virgo the Virgin. She -dont look an hour older than she did in the spring ov 1818 when i fust -saw her. Virgo haz lite blu eyes and yeller hair, and i should esteem -her to weigh about 117 pounds. Virgo haz menny admirers, and report sez, -she haz had menny good trades offered her (one waz a duke) but she -deklines matrimony. I congratulate her spunk. If she haz got a good lone -hand i like to see her play it, even if she gits ukered. I hope Virgo -will remain whare she iz for life, for she iz the only sighn in the -zodiak that i love tew witness. Thare iz one thing about Virgo that -pleazes me wonderful, and that iz, when the grecian bend waz raging on -earth, and crooking most all the other wimmin, she never bent a bit. -Hallelujah! for Virgo.</p> - - -<h4><i>TO KONTRAKTORS.</i></h4> - -<p class="blockquot">The widdo Betsey Brown will receive proposals sealed at her residence -No. 86 Hopvine St. for the next 90 daze.</p> - -<p class="blockquot">Kontraktors must state their best offers.</p> - -<p class="blockquot">Diagrams of the widdows looks kan be had at the above No.</p> - -<p class="blockquot">The widdo reserves the privilege ov refusing all offers.</p> - -<p class="blockquot">The highest Bidder gits the worm.</p> - -<p class="blockquot2">Agents needn't applikate.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p class="bqb12"><br />Q.–Whi iz the kodfish like a sailor?<br /> - -A.–Bekauze he iz an old salt.</p> - -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i12"><i>'Twas Joels way t' stop hiz kart,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i13"><i>At every hous and shop,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i12"><i>Fust tew tell a bit ov nuze,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i13"><i>And then propoze tew swop.</i><br /></span> -</div></div> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 450px;"><br /> -<img src="images/i_114a.png" width="450" height="781" alt="almanac April 1873" /> -</div> - -<hr class="chap" /> - - - - -<h3><i>MAY MISSCELLANY.</i></h3> - - -<h4>SKORPIO, THE ZODIAK SKORPION.</h4> - -<p class="bgft">Next to the hornet, the skorpion seems tew me to be pretty mutch all ded -loss. I never had mutch faith in enny kind ov a kritter who waz bilt -only tew bite. Skorpions do the best in a hot naberhood. If a man should -take all the skorpions in the world up into the northern part ov Nu -Hampshire he would loze money on them. They wouldn't thaw out thare in -time for bizzness. I never hav seen a skorpion only in the zodiak, and i -aint sorry for this. If thare should ever be a fite in the zodiak i hope -it will be krab and skorpion. This would be a fite in which no one would -care whitch whipt. I kant tell yu just now how the skorpion got aboard -ov the zodiak, but bi looking at hiz piktur i should say he stood 2 good -chances tew do it, one waz tew enter hed fust, and the other waz to -change ends and go in that way.</p> - - -<h4><i>FOUND.</i></h4> - -<p class="blockquot">A malteese soprano kat, about 12 months old, singing old hundred on a -picket fence, late last thursda nite, whichever person owns sed kat will -find him (or her, according tew circumstansis) in a vakant lot, just bak -ov our hous, still butiful in death.</p> - -<h4><i>ALSO</i>,</h4> - -<p class="blockquot2">Found an old blew kotting umbrel worth nothing, in place ov a nu silk -one worth 12 dollars and fifty cents, if the person who lost the blew -kotting umbrel bi finding the other one, hasn't had time enuff yet tew -repent ov hiz blunder, 60 days longer will be granted him tew weep over -the ackcident.</p> - - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;"> -<img src="images/i_116a.png" width="400" height="306" alt="youth blowing horn" /> -</div> - -<p class="blockquot">Yung man, dont be afrade to blo yure own horn, but dont -blo it in front ov the proceshun, go to the rear and do it.=</p> -<p class="blockquotr">Yure Uncle, Josh Billings.=</p> - - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;"><br /><br /> -<img src="images/i_117a.png" width="400" height="311" alt="chest full of old clothes" /> -</div> - -<p class="blockquot">The reputashun that a man gits from hiz ansestors, often -wants az mutch altering to fit him, az their old clothes would.=</p> -<p class="blockquotr">It iz truly thus, Josh Billings.=<br /><br /></p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p class="bqb13"><br />Q.–What iz a blunderbuss?<br /> - -A.–Kissing the wrong woman.</p> - -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i12"><i>Joel would swop for enny thing,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i13"><i>Tin ware for rags, or brass,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i12"><i>Jews harps for kats, brooms for beans,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i13"><i>Wood bowls for apple sass.</i><br /></span> -</div></div> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 450px;"><br /> -<img src="images/i_118a.png" width="450" height="784" alt="almanac May 1873" /> -</div> - - -<hr class="chap" /> - - - -<h3><i>JUNE MISSCELLANY.</i></h3> - - -<h4>KAPRIKORNUS, THE ZODIAK GOTE.</h4> - -<p class="bgft">Kaprikornus the zodiak gote iz a sheep with hair on him, and kan eat -enny thing he kan swallow if it chokes him. They infest all over -kreashun, but are thikker in the upper part of Nu York citty ackording -tew populashun than otherwise. Their principal bizzness is tew fite, and -giv milk, they average about a quart ov milk, and four knokdowns a day. -They kant klimb a greast pole, but kan kreep up the side of a rok az -natral az a wood-bine kan. They hav a krak in their foot, and also one -in their voice, and a mustash on their bottom lip. Aries and Kaprikornus -are the two buts ov the zodiak. In the zodiak Kaprikornus governs the -kneeze, and people born under this sighn are apt tew be knok kneed.</p> - - -<h4><i>LOST.</i></h4> - -<p class="blockquot2">A bright bay poodle dorg, 5 dollars reward, ov a warm natur, and no -questions asked, with one white foot behind, will be paid for hiz -return, when he stole away, with flowing ears, or waz strayed by -sumboddy, answers tew Kristopher Kolumbust, with a brass colar, exchange -papers pleaze copy, and haz a frantik tale.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p class="bqb11"><br />Q.–How menny skruples in one dram.<br /> - -A.–This depends upon who takes the dram.</p> - -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i12"><i>His kart waz a karavan,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i13"><i>Piled hi with every kind</i><br /></span> -<span class="i12"><i>Ov dikker yu kould name,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i13"><i>Besides sumthin hitched behind.</i><br /></span> -</div></div> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 450px;"><br /> -<img src="images/i_120a.png" width="450" height="767" alt="almanac June 1873" /> -</div> - - -<hr class="chap" /> - - - -<h3><i>JULY MISSCELLANY.</i></h3> - - -<h4>PISCES, THE ZODIAK FISHES.</h4> - -<p class="bgft">Pisces are the only two fishes we hav enny account ov who hav bin able -tew swim on land and not tutch bottom. It iz now over 4000 years since -they cum ashore and took lodgings in the zodiak. It haz alwus been a -fish-bone ov kontenshun amung the natral philosophers whether they -belong tew the kodfish, or the sucker family. I hav bin asked mi opinyun -on this topick a 100 thousand times, but hav alwus maintained grate -solemnity on the subjekt. It is alwus mi way when i dont kno nothing -about enny thing, to look learned, and smile wisdum. Mi private opinyun -iz, that pisces iz a pikerel, or a porgy, or a perch, and weighed -originally about 9 pounds, but i dont want to bet on this. I kant tell -whether Pisces would bite on an angleworm or not, but i think thare iz -sum law aginst fishing in private ponds. Pisces iz a game fish, but what -hiz game iz i dont kno, but probably hi lo Jak, or draw poker.</p> - - -<h4><i>EPITAFF.</i></h4> - - -<div class="poem"> -<span class="i12">Here she lize—the queen ov pize,<br /></span> -<span class="i12">Aunt Sally Ann Von Blixen,<br /></span> -<span class="i12">Apple, and mince, kustard, and quince,<br /></span> -<span class="i12">She couldn't be beat in mixen.<br /></span> - -</div> -<hr class="sm" /> - -<div class="poem"> -<span class="i12">Sakred this spot—stir her up not—<br /></span> -<span class="i12">Her grace all lay in pi fixen,<br /></span> -<span class="i12">Better sa i—go without pi,<br /></span> -<span class="i12">Than wake up this old vixen.<br /><br /></span> -</div> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p class="bqb12"><br />Q.–What breed ov hens set the best?<br /> - -A.–Thoze without leggs.</p> - -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i13"><i>For 50 miles round about,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i14"><i>When Joel cum along,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i13"><i>The wimmin all tur ned out,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i14"><i>For swopping mity strong.</i><br /></span> -</div></div> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 450px;"><br /> -<img src="images/i_122a.png" width="450" height="783" alt="almanac July 1873" /> -</div> - - -<hr class="chap" /> - - - -<h3><i>AUGUST MISSCELLANY.</i></h3> - - -<h4>AQUARIUS, THE ZODIAK WATERMAN.</h4> - -<p class="bgft">Aquarius duz the sprinkling pot bizzness for the zodiak. He kan be seen -enny klear day up in the zodiak laying the dust which the other -zodiakers kik up. He iz a quiet old gent about 5 foot 6, and wears a -wool hat, and a bull's eye watch. Who hiz ansestors waz no one kan tell. -He iz an old bachelor now, but they tell me, up in the zodiak, that he -alwus takes the most pains when he sprinkles in front ov Virgo. Thare iz -a tradishun in Pordunk, that Aquarius was once a tempranse lekturer, but -gitting too thin for the bizzness waz translated, and sot to sprinkling -in the zodiak. Aquarius haz charge ov the leggs amung the sighns in the -zodiak, and i notis that water iz better for the legs than sum other -fluids i know.</p> - - -<h3><i>EDUKASHIONAL.</i></h3> - -<h4>CLASS IN BOTANY STAND UP.</h4> - -<p class="blockquot"><i>Teacher.</i> What kind ov a bird iz a Heron?</p> - -<p class="blockquot"><i>Skoller.</i> A herring iz a small fish, az full ov bones az a fine tooth -comb.</p> - -<p class="blockquot"><i>Teacher.</i> To what genus duz the Kat belong?</p> - -<p class="blockquot"><i>Skoller.</i> The musikal genius, they <i>lay</i> around daze, and chant around -nites.</p> - -<p class="blockquot"><i>Teacher.</i> Which iz the wizest fowl?</p> - -<p class="blockquot"><i>Skoller.</i> The owl sir, bekause he hoots at most things.</p> - -<p class="blockquot"><i>Teacher.</i> What kind ov fish are plentyest in market during dog days?</p> - -<p class="blockquot"><i>Skoller.</i> Smelts sir.</p> - -<p class="blockquot2"><i>Teacher.</i> Class in botany may set down.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p class="bqb10"><br />Q.–How menny geese duz it take to make a flok?<br /> - -A.–One would satisfy me.</p> - -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i11"><i>Sheep skins, goose yokes, and frying pans</i>,<br /></span> -<span class="i12"><i>Basswood cheeze from Goshen</i>,<br /></span> -<span class="i11"><i>Bob sleds, brass rings, and bears ile</i>,<br /></span> -<span class="i12"><i>Waz sum ov Joels noshuns</i>.<br /></span> -</div></div> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 450px;"><br /> -<img src="images/i_124a.png" width="450" height="783" alt="almanac August 1873" /> -</div> - -<hr class="chap" /> - - - - -<h3><i>SEPTEMBER MISSCELLANY.</i></h3> - - -<h4>SAGITTARIUS, THE ZODIAK BOMAN.</h4> - -<p class="bgft">Sagittarius iz the William Tell ov the zodiak. He kan hit an apple on -the top ov Virgo's hed 200 paces oph, and not only halve the apple into -quarters, but knok the seeds 27 different direkshuns. He wins the cigars -at all the target excursions in the zodiak. In shooting at a muskeeter -once who had lighted onto the tail ov Leo, he aimed a leetle too -delikate, and dekapitated the dorsal extenshun ov Leo. This waz looked -upon bi all the other phellows in the zodiak az a supplementary shot. -Leo waz laid up in the horsepittol for 6 months, but hiz codicil gru out -about 2 foot more than it waz before. Sagittarius iz the comik genius ov -the zodiak, and on fourth of Julys shutes pennys oph from a stik, injun -fashion. In the zodiak sighns Sagittarius oversees the thighs, but for -what I dont seem tew kno.</p> - - -<h4><i>FOR IMMEJIATE ADOPSHUN.</i></h4> - -<p class="blockquot">A mail child, Eleven months old, well broke tew the bottle, 9 teeth kut, -lite sunset hair, without spot or blemish, no parents ov enny ackount, -hard tew kry, dont bite, shows sighns ov genius, and haz had -wackshination.</p> - -<p class="blockquot2"> -Enquire within. -</p> - - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;"> -<img src="images/i_126a.png" width="400" height="327" alt="bulldog in gateway" /> -</div> - -<p class="blockquot">I never question a suckcess enny more than I do the right -ov a bull dog to lie in hiz own gateway.=</p> -<p class="blockquotr">no I dont, Josh Billings.=</p> - - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;"><br /><br /> -<img src="images/i_127a.png" width="400" height="326" alt="man with good umbrella" /> -<br /></div> - -<p class="blockquot">The diffrence between a mistake, and a blunder.</p> - -<p class="blockquot">When a man sets down a poor umbreller, and takes up a good one, he makes -a _mistake_, but when he sets down a good umbreller, and takes up a poor -one, he makes a _blunder_.=</p> -<p class="blockquotr">Excuse haste. Josh Billings<br /><br /></p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p class="bqb12"><br />Q.–When duz a fly git badly stuck?<br /> - -A.–When he fools with mollassis.</p> - -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i13"><i>When puter knives went oph slo,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i14"><i>Joel waz a kunning kuss,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i13"><i>He could just turn to and swop</i><br /></span> -<span class="i14"><i>An old hoss dredful cluss.</i><br /></span> -</div></div> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 450px;"><br /> -<img src="images/i_128a.png" width="450" height="798" alt="almanac September 1873" /> -</div> - - -<hr class="chap" /> - - - -<h3><i>OCTOBER MISSCELLANY.</i></h3> - - -<h4>LIBRA, THE ZODIAK SKALES.</h4> - -<p class="bgft">Sixteen ounces to the pound wrongs no man. I dont want enny better -evidence that things are strikly on the square in the zodiak than the -fakt, that they keep a pair ov skales up thare, and they are alwus -level. Thare iz a grate deal ov native honesty in a pair of skales. When -i begun life, i looked upon every boddy az honest az a pair ov skales, -but the skales hav dropt oph from my eyes since, and i begin tew look -upon things more az they am. I look upon every man now az strikly -honest, who kan prove it. I want honesty weighed out to me just az i do -mi sassage, 16 ounces tew the pound. Honesty that lacks an ounce in -every pound aint worth a kuss. The ounce that iz lacking iz just what -beats us. In the zodiak concern Libra holds the reins over the -anitomikal hoss.</p> - - -<h4><i>THINGS THAT KAN BE DID.</i></h4> - -<p class="blockquot">One ov the smartest things a man kan do, iz to drink peper sass.</p> - -<p class="blockquot">One ov the safest things a man kan do, iz to ride a saw hoss.</p> - -<p class="blockquot">One ov the surest things a man kan do, iz tew slip up on the ice.</p> - -<p class="blockquot">One ov the lazyest things a man kan do, iz tew eat soup with a fork.</p> - -<p class="blockquot">One ov the longest things a man kan do, iz to long for perfekt -happiness.</p> - -<p class="blockquot2">One ov the handyest things a man kan do, is to giv hiz note for 90 -daze.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p class="bqb12"><br />Q.–Whi iz a lie called a yarn?<br /> - -A.–Bekauze it iz dubble and twisted.</p> - -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i13"><i>'Tis the fate ov kunning men,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i14"><i>Ofttimes tew pla the fule,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i13"><i>So with Joel when he swopt</i><br /></span> -<span class="i14"><i>Horses for a balky mule.</i><br /></span> -</div></div> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 450px;"><br /> -<img src="images/i_130a.png" width="450" height="797" alt="almanac October 1873" /> -</div> - - -<hr class="chap" /> - - - -<h3><i>NOVEMBER MISSCELLANY.</i></h3> - - -<h4>LEO, THE ZODIAK LION.</h4> - -<p class="bgft">Leo iz the only real lion that haz been allowed tew run around loose -amung folks. Thus far he haz abstained from human flesh. Thare iz a -report in the zodiak that he and Taurus had sum words about 15 thousand -years ago, but i kant git hold ov the fakts in the case. Leo waz born in -the smart little village ov Numidia in the state of Africa, ov unknown -parents, and iz now 260 thousand years old. Leo will probably end hiz -days in the zodiak, and i hav looked at Leo's piktur in the zodiak -gallery and dont hesitate tew rekomend him az a good job for all in -search ov a disinterested lion. The lion iz like an auckshioneer in one -respekt, hiz grate strength lays in hiz jaw. In the sighns ov the zodiak -Leo akts on the heart, and this ackounts for the human heart being so -tuff. Next to the gizzard, the heart iz the tuffest piece ov meat in the -whole human kritter.</p> - - -<h4><i>EXAMININ A PORDUNK VALLEY RALE RODE KONDUKTOR.</i></h4> - -<p class="blockquot"><i>President.</i> Have yu a gold kronometer worth 300 dollars?</p> - -<p class="blockquot"><i>Konduktor.</i> Not mutch!</p> - -<p class="blockquot"><i>President.</i> Do yu keep a trotter?</p> - -<p class="blockquot"><i>Konduktor.</i> Not enny!</p> - -<p class="blockquot"><i>President.</i> Hav yu enny dimond rings?</p> - -<p class="blockquot"><i>Konduktor.</i> Nary!</p> - -<p class="blockquot"><i>President.</i> Do yu own a fiteing dog?</p> - -<p class="blockquot"><i>Konduktor.</i> Nothing ov the sort!</p> - -<p class="blockquot"><i>President.</i> How much bank stock have yu got?</p> - -<p class="blockquot"><i>Konduktor.</i> Not a red!</p> - -<p class="blockquot2"><i>President.</i> We shant want yu,—the Pordunk valley rale rode haz got -done furnishing konduktors with these things.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p class="bqb8"><br />Q.–What did Adam and Eve weigh when they left Paradise?<br /> - -A.–They weighed ankor and haint dropt it since.</p> - -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i12"><i>He sold the mule for 3 dollars'</i><br /></span> -<span class="i13"><i>Worth ov honey in the comb,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i12"><i>Then got himself between the shafts,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i13"><i>And hauld the waggin home.</i><br /></span> -</div></div> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 450px;"><br /> -<img src="images/i_132a.png" width="450" height="751" alt="almanac November 1873" /> -</div> - -<hr class="chap" /> - - - -<h3><i>DECEMBER MISSCELLANY.</i></h3> - - -<h4>GEMINI, THE ZODIAK TWINS.</h4> - -<p class="bgft">I have asked several literary people if they would tell me whoze two -children the Gemini waz, but they all shook their heds, and begun tew -whissell. Maybe they thought i waz a kondem phool. I would just like tew -know all about this. Thare iz 2 things in this life for which we are -never fully prepared, and them iz twins. The zodiak twins are a kupple -ov nice little phellows, if their piktur aint mistaken on the subjekt I -never hav saw them only in their pikturs. Twins are two very interesting -acksidents tew happen in sumboddy elses family, but one twin at a time -suits me the most. In the zodiak sighns, the Gemini akt on the arms. I -have alwus noticed that when a person haz twins the sighns are in the -arms.</p> - - -<h4><i>CLASS IN METAPHISICKS STAND UP.</i></h4> - -<p class="blockquot"><i>Teacher.</i> Which iz the most stubborist animile?</p> - -<p class="blockquot"><i>Skoller.</i> The klam, he wont budge a bit!</p> - -<p class="blockquot"><i>Teacher.</i> Who iz the most open gaited animile?</p> - -<p class="blockquot"><i>Skoller.</i> The swine, he kan open enny kind ov a gate!</p> - -<p class="blockquot"><i>Teacher.</i> Which iz the most sure footedest animile?</p> - -<p class="blockquot"><i>Skoller.</i> The mewel, he kan hit a man twice in a seckond 10 foot oph.</p> - -<p class="blockquot"><i>Teacher.</i> Who iz the most foolishest animile?</p> - -<p class="blockquot"><i>Skoller.</i> The goose, he dont kno enuff to go in when it rains.</p> - -<p class="blockquot2"><i>Teacher.</i> Class in metaphisicks may set down.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p class="bqb11"><br />Q.–What iz the hardest thing a man kan do?<br /> - -A.–Tend sumboddy else's baby.</p> - -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i11"><i>Hiz wife (God bless her) went out tew push,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i12"><i>And learn whi this waz sutch,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i11"><i>Joel dropt a tear, and sed,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i12"><i>"Hannah! I've swopt once tew mutch."</i><br /></span> -</div></div> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 450px;"><br /><br /> -<img src="images/i_134a.png" width="450" height="773" alt="almanac December 1873" /> -</div> - - -<hr class="chap" /> - - - -<h3><i>SIGHNS AND WONDERS FOR THE YEAR 1874.</i></h3> - -<p>Whenever yu see a yung man hanging around a korner grosery, and drinking -3 cent gin every time he kan git enny boddy tew ask him, yu kan make up -yure mind that he haz bin unanimously nominated for the stait prizon, -and will probably git his elekshun.</p> - -<hr class="sm" /> - -<p>Whenever yu see an old goose setting on a post hole, and trieing tew -hatch the hole out, yu kan cum tew the konklushun that she is strikly a -one idee goose.</p> - -<hr class="sm" /> - -<p>Whenever a forlorn kat gits under yure windo, in a hot nite, and begins -tew holler, yu may kno that kat wants sumthing,—killing, probberbly.</p> - -<hr class="sm" /> - -<p class="bgft">Whenever yu see a dog stop suddintly, in the road, with a flee onto him, -and begin tew flea round, and round, after himself, untill he falls -down, and rools over, yu will say tew yureself, that dorg iz like the -wicked, he fleas, when no man perseweth.</p> - - - - -<h3><i>OIL OF KONSOLASHUN.</i></h3> - -<p class="blockquot">The "Josh Billings Allminax" iz one ov our tex books, at the Pordunk -Feminine Institoot.</p> - -<p class="blockquotr"><i>Mrs. Charity Skidmore, A.M.</i></p> - -<hr class="sm" /> - -<p class="blockquot">Medisin Book—Ugh!!</p> - -<p class="blockquotr"><i>Spotted tail, Chief ov the Pawnees.</i></p> - -<hr class="sm" /> - -<p class="blockquot">Full ov thought, full ov pathos, full ov phun.</p> - -<p class="blockquotr"><i>John Brace, L.L.D.</i></p> - -<hr class="sm" /> - -<p class="blockquot">It's a big thing, bi Jupiter.</p> - -<p class="blockquotr"><i>Billy Murdok.</i></p> - -<hr class="sm" /> - -<p class="blockquot">How spontaneous! How pathetic! How preponderating! How!—How are yu -Josh!</p> - -<p class="blockquotr"><i>Doktor Blake.</i></p> - -<hr class="sm" /> - -<p class="blockquot">Oh yu pesky thing, Josh! yu are too killing.</p> - -<p class="blockquotr"><i>Sally Ann Sprauge.</i></p> - -<hr class="chap" /> - - -<h3><i>ADAM BILLINGS.</i></h3> - - -<h4>HIZ MEMORANDUM.</h4> - -<p class="bgft">Adam Billings waz the fust ov the Billingses. He waz verry phatt. Little -did he dream ov the glorious krop that waz a going tew spring up from -hiz sowing. He waz born, az near as i kan figger, about the year 1200, -more or less. Hiz temper iz represented az being az even az the figger -2. Hiz habits were az pure az the mountain dew; he never drinkt enny -spiritous rum, nor root elevators. He went barefutt untill hiz 32d year, -and ever afterwards luved the naked futt. He waz a good danser, and -realized thoze blessed old shake downs, now gone and fled. He waz named -after the original Adam, and iz sed, bi them who remember them both, tew -resembel him mutch in the kast ov hiz face. He waz too fond ov the -marvelous, he wouldn't tell a lie exackly, but he could cum az near tew -it, az a swallo kan to a frog's noze, when they skim a mud puddle. Adam -Billings iz now ded, i beleave, but if he aint, and this should meet hiz -eye, he kant, i think, but admire the square manner in which his luvely -relik haz handled his case. Adam Billings didn't leave much reputashun -behind him, but what he did leave, is fair tew middling. We nee'r shall -see him more. Probably not. Too true. Rather melankolly than otherwise.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<h4><br /><i>MORAL.</i></h4> - -<div class="poem"> -<span class="i10">Thare iz naut so hard for grief tew handle,<br /></span> -<span class="i10">Az the man whoze ribs are phatt 's a kandle.<br /></span> -</div> - - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;"><br /><br /> -<img src="images/i_138a.png" width="400" height="350" alt="runaway cow" /> -</div> - -<p class="blockquotc">Josh Billings, and the Yung Man.=</p> - -<p class="blockquot">Yung Man, dont kry for spilt milk, but pik up yure pail, and milking -stool, and go for the next Cow.=</p> -<p class="blockquot">Yures affekshionately, Josh Billings.</p> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;"><br /><br /> -<img src="images/i_139a.png" width="400" height="372" alt="man with tight boot" /> -</div> - -<p class="blockquotc">Tite Boots</p> - -<p class="blockquot2">Thare iz only one thing that kan be sed in favour ov tite Boots—they -make a man forgit all his other Sorrows.= Josh Billings.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p class="bqb14"><br />Q.–What iz ginger pop?<br /> - -A.–Gimnastic water.</p> - -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i12"><i>In Pordunk town thare lived a man,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i13"><i>A man ov small posseshion,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i12"><i>Hezekiah Birch waz hiz name,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i13"><i>A teacher bi profeshun.</i><br /></span> -</div></div> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 450px;"><br /> -<img src="images/i_140a.png" width="450" height="767" alt="almanac January 1874" /> -</div> - - -<hr class="chap" /> - - - -<h3><i>ZEPHENIAH BILLINGS.</i></h3> - -<h4>HIZ MEMORANDUM.</h4> - -<p class="bgft">Zepheniah Billings waz a phiddler bi birth and purswashun. He also had -another natral gift, and that waz tew owe everyboddy. Late in life he -quit phiddling, and took up shumaking; but the world lost a good phidler -bi the operashun, and got a kussid poor shumaker. Oh! 'tis ever thus. At -hiz final deth he owed upwards ov 70 dollars, and hiz leavings konsisted -ov one old phiddle, and a pint ov bass wood shupegs. He would travel on -foot 7 miles tew a kuntry tavern, and phiddle all nite at a kuntry bawl -for 75 cents, and owe the landlord two dollars and a half nex morning -for vittles and drink. Zeph' was an unprofitable man to know, for he -couldn't tend an evening meeting, on sunday, without running into det to -sumboddy. It waz sed ov him, that he waz never known tew shed a tear or -pa a det. He died finally, and i presume he was saved; but he may hav -bin lost, for accidents will happen in the uppermost familys. He had a -cool hed, and a warm harte. Bless Zepheniah Billings, he was a ripe -skollar on the phiddle, and could pla "<i>Tare her down Sal</i>," and sich -dear old sweet-savoured things, klean up tew perfekshun. He haz gone -now, allass! allass! but i am prepared tew say, in the language ov -another, "Bully for yu, Zepheniah!" All flesh iz grass. So iv'e bin -told. Funny. Mutch.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<h4><i>MORAL.</i></h4> - -<div class="poem"> -<span class="i12">To kure the fidgits and calm the bile,</span> -<span class="i12">The phiddle iz like kastor ile.</span><br /><br /> -</div> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p class="bqb15"><br />Q.– What iz man?<br /> - -A.– Live dirt.</p> - -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i12"><i>For twenty long and weary years,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i13"><i>He meekly workt for others good,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i12"><i>And well he taught the distrik skool</i>,<br /></span> -<span class="i13"><i>Boardin round the naborhood.</i><br /></span> -</div></div> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 450px;"><br /> -<img src="images/i_142a.png" width="450" height="781" alt="almanac February 1874" /> -</div> - - -<hr class="chap" /> - - - - -<h3><i>JEHOSSAPHATT BILLINGS.</i></h3> - -<h4>HIS MEMORANDUM.</h4> - -<p class="bgft">Jehossiphat Billings waz a very kluss man; he never waz known tew waste -ennything, by giving it away. The grate extravaganse ov hiz life, and -the one he never forgot tew speak ov, waz giving 3 dollars towards -bilding the Pordunk meetin hous. After he giv the munny, he took such a -deep interest in the work on the metin house, that the kommitty waz -obliged tew giv him bak the munny to git shut ov him. He swore he'd sue -them for the interest on the munny, but he never did. Jehoss' Billings -waz one ov them kind ov men who mistake avarice for ekonemy. He died at -the age of 63, if i hav sarched right, from an overdose ov klam chowder -drank at a free lunch. Jehossiphatt Billings had his phailings, but -rekless extravaganse want amung the lot, he also had his virteus, but -blind and irrepressible generosity want among this lot neither. He waz -buried, without eny fuss, in the year 1286. What has bekum ov him I kant -state. Sleep on, Jehossiphat, in thi slumbers. I would like tew say sum -more about Jehoss', but i kant without telling the truth. Truth iz -sumtimes like a hot pertato, the only way tew handle it eazy, is tew -drop it. I will dri up here. The end. Hush! Lay low.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<h4><br /><i>MORAL.</i></h4> - - -<div class="poem"> -<span class="i14">The klussest man i ever knu,<br /></span> -<span class="i14">Waz Deakon Erastus Meggs,<br /></span> -<span class="i14">Tew save expense, he oft would sett,<br /></span> -<span class="i14">Hiz pullets on spile-ed eggs.<br /><br /></span> -</div> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p class="bqb15"><br />Q.–What iz hash?<br /> - -A.–A konfidense game.</p> - -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i12"><i>He sawed the wood and bilt the fires,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i13"><i>And while the boys were playing,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i12"><i>Hurried, and swept the skool hous out,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i13"><i>And dun a little praying.</i><br /></span> -</div></div> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 450px;"><br /> -<img src="images/i_144a.png" width="450" height="768" alt="almanac March 1874" /> -</div> - - -<hr class="chap" /> - - - -<h3><i>MELKISIDEK BILLINGS.</i></h3> - - -<h4>HIZ MEMORANDUM.</h4> - -<p class="bgft">Melkisidek Billings waz a dandy ov the old skool, and also a lover. He -loved the whole entire femail populashun. He parted hiz hare in the -middle, and did it unkommon even. He had one grate weakness which grew -on him, and that waz the length ov hiz little finger-nale. Historians -say that this finger-nale gru tew be a yard in length, but it strikes me -that this must be a profound lie. He waz a very punktillious man, in hiz -every-day wear, and drest chuck up tew the fashun. Melkisidek hadn't -mutch branes, but he didn't need much, for hiz bizzness thru life waz -the lover bizzness. Just before he died he marrid, and left one dauter, -a sentimental offspring, who afterwards run away, at the age ov 16, with -a dansing master. Mel' Billings waz ov the nuter jender, he hadn't -karakter enuff to do enny hurt, and ov kourse kouldn't do enny good. He -died about the right time, anno dominoze, 1695, and waz buried -comfortably in the grave yard, at lower Pordunk town. Melkisidek -Billings waz mi ansesstor, and that waz kind in him. He had an epitaff -on hiz stone which i dont rekolekt ov ever seeing in print before, and -for the benefit ov those who studdy theze memorandums i will translate -it. "<i>An honest man iz the nobless work ov God.</i>" Good, aint it? Rather!</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<h4><br /><i>MORAL.</i></h4> - - -<div class="poem"> -<span class="i13">Dandys are a harmless crew,<br /></span> -<span class="i14">Ov the butterfly purswashun;<br /></span> -<span class="i13">Happy with a nektie new,<br /></span> -<span class="i14">Hero's ov sum small ockashun.</span><br /> -</div> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p class="bqb16"><br />Q.–Define twins?<br /> - -A.–2 mutch.</p> - -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i13"><i>In this big, but pekuliar world,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i14"><i>Not a friend had Hezekiah,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i13"><i>The boys put pins into hiz chair,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i14"><i>And water in hiz hair diah.</i><br /></span> -</div></div> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 450px;"><br /> -<img src="images/i_146a.png" width="450" height="757" alt="almanac April 1874" /> -</div> - - - -<hr class="chap" /> - - - -<h3><i>SOLOMAN BILLINGS.</i></h3> - -<h4>HIZ MEMORANDUM.</h4> - - -<p class="bgft">Soloman Billings waz born the 26th ov May, 1322, old stile. He waz knone -fur and near for hiz chunks ov wisdum, but, like Soloman ov old, he -could talk wisdum better than he could do it. This iz the way with all -the wize men i hav met lately. Soloman Billings waz a leetle slippery, -but he managed tew git thru life without slipping down mutch, and died -reazonably well. He waz sed, bi all who knu him, tew be chuk full ov -wisdum; he could tell, bi looking at the egg, how mutch a goslin would -weigh before it waz born, and when the best time waz tew set a hen or a -gate-post. Sol's mouth waz full ov wisdum; litening couldn't strike a -tree, just for fun, but what he would preach a moral sermon from the -tex. He waz dredful sertain ov what he did kno, and want the least bit -unsertain ov what he didn't kno. I find in digging down tew the hard pan -ov Soloman, mi ansesstor, that he had a grate deal ov vanity, a large -amount ov impudense, a good supply ov inkredulity, just the things, for -all the world, tew make a wize phool out of. He died az aforesed, and i -look bak upon him az one who haz departed this life. Adew, Soloman, mi -ansesstor. Deth iz tuff. Sumwhat! I will add, quite.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<h4><br /><i>MORAL.</i></h4> - - -<div class="poem"> -<span class="i13">Wisdom chunks are chunkier far,<br /></span> -<span class="i13">Than all the chunks that chunky ar.</span> -</div> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;"><br /><br /> -<img src="images/i_148a.png" width="400" height="361" alt="man fastening collar" /> -</div> - -<p class="blockquotc">Josh Billings Ultimatum.</p> -<p class="blockquot">The man who kan wear a paper collar, a whole week, and keep it -klean,—aint good for enny thing else.=</p> - -<p class="blockquotr">Jess so, Josh Billings.</p> - - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;"><br /><br /> -<img src="images/i_149a.png" width="400" height="385" alt="man pulling bull by the tail" /> -</div> - -<p class="blockquotc">Josh Billings, and the Bull.</p> -<p class="blockquot">Never take the Bull bi the horns Yung Man, but take him bi the tale. -Then yu kan let go when yu want to.=</p> - -<p class="blockquotr">Yure warm friend, Josh Billings<br /><br /></p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p class="bqb15"><br />Q.–What iz ignorance?<br /> - -A.–Raw happiness.</p> - -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i12"><i>The skule kommitty made him work,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i13"><i>(How krewel and unphealling,)</i><br /></span> -<span class="i12"><i>For less than a bartender gits,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i13"><i>And nary chance for stealing.</i><br /></span> -</div></div> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 450px;"><br /> -<img src="images/i_150a.png" width="450" height="773" alt="almanac May 1874" /> -</div> - - - -<hr class="chap" /> - - - -<h3><i>DUTERONOMY BILLINGS.</i></h3> - -<h4>HIZ MEMORANDUM.</h4> - - -<p class="bgft">Duteronomy Billings waz a square man. He waz az square az the bloks on a -checker-board. He waz just the same kind ov a man in the fall, az he waz -in the spring ov the year; yu didn't hav tew winter him tew find out who -he waz. He alwus did az he agreed, but waz dredful bakward about -agreeing. Duteronomy waz immense in one thing, and that waz the length -ov hiz noze. He had more noze ackordin, than enny man in history. One -writer ov the eleventh sentury, sez hiz noze waz 8 inches in length, and -another makes it a frackshun over 10 inches; i will split the -difference, and call it 7. If Dute' waz alive now, i think he would -sustain mi figgures. In writing theze details ov mi ansesstors, i am -guided bi a luv tew do a square thing, and if i er, it will be all owing -tew mi luk. I never waz right lucky since I had the meazles. They took -place in the 14th year ov mi age, when i lived with mi unkle. I had them -too thik. Duteronomy Billings waz named after old Duteronomy ov bible -times, and az ansesstors run, he waz a very good kind ov a one tew hav. -He died az he had lived, exackly square. In konklushun i will say lie -still dear Dute', yu hav got a square thing. Thare iz force in the idee. -I may add, grate force. Very. Indeed.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<h4><br /><i>MORAL.</i></h4> - - -<div class="poem"> -<span class="i14">Sum men are oktagon,<br /></span> -<span class="i15">And sum three-sided are,<br /></span> -<span class="i14">'Tis mortal tuff tew find one<br /></span> -<span class="i15">Who iz kompletely square.</span><br /> -</div> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p class="bqb15"><br />Q.–Define the hen?<br /> - -A.–A lay member.</p> - -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i12"><i>Tho kivvered o'er with sich abuse,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i13"><i>He never fout agen it,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i12"><i>The very wuss that Hez' would kuss,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i13"><i>Waz the simple word</i> KONDEMIT.<br /></span> -</div></div> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 450px;"><br /> -<img src="images/i_152a.png" width="450" height="783" alt="almanac June 1874" /> -</div> - - -<hr class="chap" /> - - - -<h3><i>PORKANBEANS BILLINGS.</i></h3> - -<h4>HIZ MEMORANDUM.</h4> - - -<p class="bgft">Porkanbeans Billings lived and throve in the 16th sentury. He loved a -horse with grate power. He could swop a horse clusser than enny man that -imparshall history tells ov. He iz sed tew have swopped Deakon Absolem -Featherweight, klean out ov a 5 year old sorrel horse, at one swop, and -the deakon waz looked upon az almost insurmountable in a dikker. Not tew -disguise the fakt, Porky Billings waz a hoss jockey ov the anshunt daze, -one who hung around the village tavern, and alwuss had on hand an old -flag-tailed pelter, with a glass eye, tew trade with ennyboddy. I dont -feal like bragging ov Porkanbeans az an ansesstor, but i must say, az a -horse jockey, (if all reports are trew) i feal proud ov him. I forgot -tew state, that Porky left no property. Thare iz a grate deal ov genius -in the horse-swop bizzness but fu assetts. Porkanbeans died instantly, -sumwhare about the fust ov the 17th sentury. He waz struk bi the hind -feet ov a mule. Moral karakter even wont save a phello-being from -dissolushun, when a mule goes for him with both hind feet at once. Sich -iz life. Sich iz the mule. Porkanbeans haz my sympathy, he also haz mi -tears, but i dont serpose they will be worth mutch tew him now, he iz -too ded. Fairwell old phello-being, fairwell mi ansesstor. Deth iz our -porshun. I think i kan say this without making a phool ov miself. -Undoubtedly. Yes. Jiss so.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<h4><br /><i>MORAL.</i></h4> - - -<div class="poem"> -<span class="i13">Tew swop a horse and not git beat,<br /></span> -<span class="i14">Iz sumthing nice tew brag on,<br /></span> -<span class="i13">I tried it once, and that's the time<br /></span> -<span class="i14">I lost a horse—and waggon.</span><br /> -</div> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p class="bqb13"><br />Q.–Pleaze defin a good wife?<br /> - -A.–A silent partner in the consarn.</p> - -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i12"><i>Dont talk to me ov anshunt Job,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i13"><i>Ov biles he had a plenty,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i12"><i>But they were all one breed ov biles,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i13"><i>Leastwise 19 out ov twenty.</i><br /></span> -</div></div> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 450px;"><br /> -<img src="images/i_154a.png" width="450" height="765" alt="almanac July 1874" /> -</div> - -<hr class="tb" /> - - -<hr class="chap" /> - - - -<h3><i>JAMAIKA BILLINGS.</i></h3> - -<h4>HIZ MEMORANDUM.</h4> - - -<p class="bgft">Jamaika Billings waz sed bi good judges ov the artikle, tew be the -lazyest man that ever visited this world. At the age ov 14 he waz -pronounced bi the doktors too lazy tew ketch flies. He waz named after -hiz unkle who had a grate speshiality in the jamaika-rum line, and who -could float more ardent speerits, on an evener keel, than enny human -kraft in thoze daze. Jamaika lived tew a grate extent; sum say that he -waz 160 when he died, and sum put it at 142, but all giv in that he -didn't di from enny disseaze, but kind ov lazyed tew deth. He waz born -tired, and never outgru it. He marrid at 37, but hiz wife left him at -the end ov the fust month ov their nupshalls, taking with her all the -pussonell affekts, whitch were a kupple ov cedar wash-tubs, and a -seckond-hand buggy harness, brass-mounted. Her fust name waz Polly Ann. -They never met afterwards, if they did, history dont kno it. Jamak'e -Billings didn't hav enny vice tew speak ov, he waz even too lazy for -that. He seems tew hav spent hiz life in hanging around places, keeping -ragged and phatt on nothing. He died in Old Pordunk, and i suppoze waz -burried, but history dont say so, in jiss so menny words. He waz mi -ansesstor, but i kant help it. Can I? I hav bin told not. Queer.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<h4><br /><i>MORAL.</i></h4> - - -<div class="poem"> -<span class="i13">I never knu, in all mi life,<br /></span> -<span class="i14">Enny man tew go krazy,<br /></span> -<span class="i13">Who alwuss took things setting down,<br /></span> -<span class="i14">And kultivated hiz lazy.</span><br /> -</div> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p class="bqb14"><br />Q.–What iz a cock loft<br /> - -A.–A roosters hed.</p> - -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i13"><i>But in a distrik skool i kno,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i14"><i>Each boy's a bile uncommon,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i13"><i>And must a diffrent poultiss hav,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i14"><i>Tew git a hed upon em.</i><br /></span> -</div></div> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 450px;"><br /> -<img src="images/i_156a.png" width="450" height="783" alt="almanac August 1874" /> -</div> - - -<hr class="chap" /> - - - -<h3><i>EKLEEZIASTIKS BILLINGS.</i></h3> - -<h4>HIZ MEMORANDUM.</h4> - -<p class="bgft">Ekleeziastiks Billings waz a Puritan bi natur and occupashun. He waz az -puritan az spring lam soaked in mint saus. Sum ov the most kold and -thawless stok in all Nu England oozed from Ekleeze' Billings. He waz -kreated nominally in the year 1570, and had hiz trunk packed tew cum -over in the May Flower, but didn't cum. He cum over the nex fall, and -went immejiately into the pilgrim bizzness. Ekleeziastiks kept a grocery -store, and never sanded hiz sugar, nor watered hiz Nu England rum -without fust asking tew be forgiv for it. How pure! how lam like! -Ekleeziastiks waz very tall, but then he waz very thin; he waz over 6 -feet perpendiklar, and not quite 7 inches thru. He weighed 146 with hiz -winter clothes and cowhide boots on. He preserved hiz thinity unto deth. -He died from eating too mutch garden-truk. How sad! how disinterested! -Ekleesiastiks had one virtew which shines tew this day, he waz very -saving ov hiz clothes. Hiz best blu koat, with brass buttons on, and a -sharp tail tew it, he wore for 18 years, and then kut oph the buttons -and had it prest out, and sent it tew the heathen. Ekleeze' waz both a -saving and a libral kuss. He lived tew be over 90, and then died game; -he wouldn't hav enny doktor. He dispized doktors bills. How touching! -Truly. How touchful! Really.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<h4><br /><i>MORAL.</i></h4> - -<div class="poem"> -<span class="i12">Blest iz the man who iz partikular,<br /></span> -<span class="i12">And duz all things up perpindikular.<br /></span> -<span class="i14">(Chorus.) Ri fol de rol, ri folderikular.</span> -</div> - - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;"><br /><br /> -<img src="images/i_158a.png" width="400" height="334" alt="Josh holding the twins" /> -</div> - -<p class="blockquotc">Josh Billings, and the Twins. =</p> - -<p class="blockquot">Thare iz 2 things in this world for which we are never fully prepared, -and that is.—twins.=</p> - -<p class="blockquotr">Jess so, Jess so, Josh Billings.</p> - - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;"> -<img src="images/i_159a.png" width="400" height="389" alt="man swallowing oyster on half shell" /> -</div> - -<p class="blockquotc">Josh Billings on the haff shell.=</p> - -<p class="blockquot2">The man who swallowed the fust oyster, from the haff shell must hav been -astonished, at the sudden way it waz dun, but I dont beleave he waz more -suprized, than the oyster waz.= Josh.=</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p class="bqb14"><br />Q.–Define honesty?<br /> - -A.–The wag ov a dogs tail.</p> - -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i13"><i>The only kind ov konsolashun</i><br /></span> -<span class="i14"><i>This man got, aint worth a kuss,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i13"><i>For 'twas</i> PITTY<i>,–and we all kno</i><br /></span> -<span class="i14">PITTY <i>iz but mild disguss.</i><br /></span> -</div></div> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 450px;"><br /> -<img src="images/i_160a.png" width="450" height="763" alt="almanac September 1874" /> -</div> - - -<hr class="chap" /> - - - -<h3><i>LUKE BILLINGS.</i></h3> - -<h4>HIZ MEMORANDUM.</h4> - -<p class="bgft">Luke Billings waz a skool-master ov the Nu England type and shaddo. He -waz an uprite and an austere man, az uprite az a sperm kandle, and az -austere az hoss-radish. I look bak onto Luke's memoirs and pitty him, -for i pitty awl distrikt-skool masters, all mothers-in-law, and all -grass widders. Luke Billings spent hiz whole life in the distrik-skool -spekulashun, and died az poor az a salt kodfish. Hiz assetts konsisted -ov a pocket-komb and a nu testament. He used tew board round the -naborhood, and waz alwuss az hungry az a pikrel. He never had enny -friends, nor enny enemys; he waz like a gide-board in this respek. Luke -Billings never got marrid, he hadn't the time tew spare. He waz severely -engaged, for 26 years, tew Nancy Burbanks, but they both died intestate. -They sleep cluss together, in the old grave-yard, at lower Pordunk. -Sleep on! sleep on! dear old virgin couple, and pay no attenshun tew -noboddy. Lukey wore hiz hare long behind, and kept a distrik skool 34 -years 6 months and 17 daze. Oh, dear! oh, dear! Luke i pitty yu. Luke -Billings iz an ansesstor that i look bak upon every now and then with my -memory, and want tew fite sumboddy on hiz ackount. Fairwell, luvely -Luke. Fairwell Lukey. Fairwell. Enuff sed.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<h4><br /><i>MORAL.</i></h4> - -<div class="poem"> -<span class="i13">From keeping skool, and the pay,<br /></span> -<span class="i14">Two things pestiverous,<br /></span> -<span class="i13">I feel az tho' I'd like to say,<br /></span> -<span class="i14">Good Lord! deliver us.<br /></span><br /> -</div> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p class="bqb14"><br />Q.–What iz a husband?<br /> - -A.–Gander ov the ockashun.</p> - -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i12"><i>Much rather would i hav a man,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i13"><i>Than offer me hiz pitty,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i12"><i>Hit me rite smart long side the hed,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i13"><i>For that mite make me gritty.</i><br /></span> -</div></div> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 450px;"><br /> -<img src="images/i_162a.png" width="450" height="777" alt="almanac October 1874" /> -</div> - - -<hr class="chap" /> - - -<h3><i>NEBUDKENNEZZAR BILLINGS.</i></h3> - -<h4>HIZ MEMORANDUM.</h4> - - -<p class="bgft">Nebudkennezzar Billings waz an orphan bi birth, and kept a hotel, he -did. When yu got fride pork at hiz house, it waz fride pork, it waz. Yu -didn't hav a bill ov fare tew tell what it waz, yu didn't. Hiz wife waz -smarter than chane litening, and kleaner than a ghost, she waz. Her hash -didn't hav enny paving-stuns, nor kart-wheels in it, it didn't. Yu mite -az well hunt for the lost tribes ov Izrael on her premises, az to hunt -for a kokroach, yu mite. Neb's wife had red hare, and waz bony put -together, and could fri pork, tend bar, harness a hoss, trade with a -peddlar, and make a gin-sling that could almost talk, she could. -Nebudkennezzar Billings waz a pollytishioner, and run hard for konstable -in old Pordunk, for menny times, he did. It iz justiss tew hiz memoirs -tew state, that tho he run well, the offiss alwuss beat him, it did. He -never got elekted, he didn't. How prekarious! how impekunious! how -transhunt! Alass! alass! Neb' waz kreated in 1502, and dissoluted in -1569, and spent hiz whole life in the hash bizzness, he did. Hiz wife -waz boss while here on earth, and will undertake tew be hereafter, she -will. But she kant, kan she? She kant. Happy it iz that thare iz a -thussness in theze things. Thrice happy. Even nobby. That's so.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<h4><br /><i>MORAL.</i></h4> - -<div class="poem"> -<span class="i12">Every man thinks he kan keep a hotel,<br /></span> -<span class="i13">But O! how delusiv and rash,<br /></span> -<span class="i12">For thare aint no kind ov bizzness so mixt,<br /></span> -<span class="i13">Az doing a klean job in hash.</span><br /> -</div> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p class="bqb16"><br />Q.–What iz pitty?<br /> - -A.–Cheap charity.</p> - -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i13"><i>Enny man who a skool haz kept</i><br /></span> -<span class="i14"><i>Ten years, (krewel fate allass!)</i><br /></span> -<span class="i13"><i>Ought tew hav hiz shuze pulled oph,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i14"><i>And be turned out tew grass.</i><br /></span> -</div></div> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 450px;"><br /> -<img src="images/i_164a.png" width="450" height="768" alt="almanac November 1874" /> -</div> - -<hr class="chap" /> - - - -<h3><i>MUSHANMILK BILLINGS.</i></h3> - -<h4>HIS MEMORANDUM.</h4> - -<p class="bgft">Mushanmilk Billings waz one ov mi earliest efforts in the way ov -ansesstors. He was begot during the 11th or 12th sentury, or -thareabouts. He derived hiz name from hiz grate ability tew conquer mush -and milk. Titus Odistes, a celebrated writer in thoze days, sez he haz -known him tew eat a potash kittle ov puddin and milk, at one sitting. I -kant state whether this iz sutch or not, for i never met Mushanmilk -personally. He died previous tew mi birth. Titus Odistes also sez, that -Mushanmilk had a very sweet disposishun, how sweet, he dont tell us, but -from what i kno ov the latter-day saints, amung the Billings family, it -couldn't hav bin quite up tew the best brand ov Nu Orleans mollassiss. -He waz sed tew be number One in modesty, and sitch like, but this dont -exackly conspire with what i know ov the Billings'es. Cheeck haz alwus -been reckoned amung our virtews. In taking a square look bak upon mi -ansesstors, i find that they were rather a thin set. I find that their -<i>ambishun</i> waz the result ov <i>vanity</i>. Their <i>honesty</i> the effekt ov -<i>edukashun</i>. Their <i>charity</i>, the luv ov <i>novelty</i>. Their <i>philosophy</i>, -able tew bear the stummuk-ake ov others with heroik fortitude, but not -worth a kuss in their own; and their <i>virteus</i> generally, more the -growth ov their <i>pride</i> than ov their <i>humility</i>. What a pitty! Echo -answers, "Jiss so." Man iz an angleworm. He iz. Verily.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<h4><br /><i>MORAL.</i></h4> - -<div class="poem"> -<span class="i12">Thare aint to-day, so just a vittle,<br /></span> -<span class="i12">Az mush,—rite hot, from out the kittle.</span><br /> -</div> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p class="bqb14"><br />Q.–Define salt kodfish?<br /> - -A.–Vittles and—drink.</p> - -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i13"><i>Instid ov this, how trew it tis,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i14"><i>The skoolmaster iz treated,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i13"><i>Like one we owe 50 dollars,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i14"><i>And wont admit we've cheated.</i><br /></span> -</div></div> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 450px;"><br /> -<img src="images/i_166a.png" width="450" height="784" alt="almanac December 1874" /> -</div> - - -<hr class="chap" /> - - -<h3><i>HEAR THE PAPERS TALK!</i></h3> - -<p class="blockquot">We would rather be the author of Josh Billings' Farmer's Allminax for -1875, than be elected captain of a malitia company.</p> - -<p class="blockquotr"> -<i>Coonhollow Demokrat.</i><br /> -</p> - -<hr class="sm" /> - -<p class="blockquot">Josh Billings' Farmer's Allminax for the year 1875, is just hatched out; -it is like a Thanksgiving pudding, full of rich things; buy it, and set -down in a corner, and read, and be happy once, if you never are again.</p> - -<p class="blockquotr"> -<i>Boston Pilgrim.</i><br /> -</p> - -<hr class="sm" /> - -<p class="blockquot">We have a copy of Josh Billings' Allminax on tap, and draw sweet liquor -from it each hour; no man can buy our copy, no man can borrow it, and he -who steals it, will finally die.</p> - -<p class="blockquotr"> -<i>New Orleans Budget.</i><br /> -</p> - -<hr class="sm" /> - -<p class="blockquot">Saw my right leg off, lift my scalp up, innoculate me with the contents -of a six shooter, if Josh Billings' Farmer's Allminax for 1875 aint the -bullyest brick the civilized world has ever laid eyes on.</p> - -<p class="blockquotr"> -<i>Texas Daily Bandit.</i><br /> -</p> - -<hr class="sm" /> - -<p class="blockquot">Josh Billings' Farmer's Allminax is once more in our midst; like an -oyster on the half shell, it can be took standing, sitting down, or on -the run.</p> - -<p class="blockquotr"> -<i>Lowell Examiner.</i><br /> -</p> - - -<hr class="chap" /> - - -<h3><i>PRIVATE OPINYUNS OV JOSH BILLINGS' FARMER'S ALLMINAX.</i></h3> - -<p class="blockquot">"A pearl ov grate price."</p> - -<p class="blockquotr"> -<i>Deakon Mozes Mills.</i><br /> -</p> - -<hr class="sm" /> - -<p class="blockquot">"I reckomend this allminax to all persons out ov a job."</p> - -<p class="blockquotr"> -<i>Israel Pugh.</i><br /> -</p> - -<hr class="sm" /> - -<p class="blockquot">"Az konsise az a kambrik needle."</p> - -<p class="blockquotr"> -<i>E. R. Dunkan.</i><br /> -</p> - -<hr class="sm" /> - -<p class="blockquot">"This allminax iz az phull ov sharp things az a hedgehog's back."</p> - -<p class="blockquotr"> -<i>Ezra Fisk.</i><br /> -</p> - -<hr class="sm" /> - -<p class="blockquot">"Az natral in the family, and quite az catching, az the meazles."</p> - -<p class="blockquotr"> -<i>Dokt. J. Munson.</i><br /> -</p> - -<hr class="sm" /> - -<p class="blockquot">"Oh lud! i never did peruze enny thing haff so mutch like it."</p> - -<p class="blockquotr"> -<i>Widdo Jane Perkins.</i><br /> -</p> - -<hr class="sm" /> - -<p class="blockquot">"Tis too sweet for enny thing."</p> - -<p class="blockquotr"> -<i>Miss Matilda Ann Brown.</i><br /> -</p> - -<hr class="sm" /> - -<p class="blockquot">"It iz a lofty produkshun, full ov immense wisdum, graphick delineation, -and koruskating generalitys."</p> - -<p class="blockquotr"> -<i>John Mead, A. M.</i><br /> -</p> - - -<hr class="chap" /> - -<h3><i>HONESTY</i>.</h3> - -<p class="bgft">Honesty iz like munny, a man haz got to work hard to get it, and then -haz got to work harder to keep it. Honesty iz the best kard in the pak; -it iz allwuss trumps, and thare iz no man big phool enuff but what he -kan play it right every time. Honesty haz been praised more, and -praktised less, than enny ov the virtews, but it stands in need ov no -ones praise, and fears no ones rebuke. Honesty iz all the virtew that a -man needs, and all that an angell haz. Honest men are skarse, and what i -am afrade ov now iz, they are going to be skarser. From Adam's day to -ours, and from now untill the judgement time, an <i>Honest man</i> haz been, -and will be, "<i>The noblest work of God</i>." Pope's deskripshun ov an -honest man iz the simplest, and yet the strongest language, that ever -haz been used.</p> - - -<h4><i>A KARD</i>.</h4> - -<p class="blockquot">A bizzy-body iz like a ritch cheeze,—full ov little things.</p> - -<hr class="sm" /> - -<p class="blockquot">When a man aint good for ennything else, he iz just right to sett on a -jury.</p> - - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;"> -<img src="images/i_170a.png" width="400" height="396" alt="mosquito on sleeping man's nose" /> -<br /><br /></div> - -<p class="blockquot">The musketo iz born ov poor but industrious parents,—but -haz in hiz veins, sum ov the best blood in the Country=</p> - -<p class="blockquotr">Yures for 90 Days. Josh Billings=</p> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;"><br /><br /> -<img src="images/i_171a.png" width="400" height="393" alt="man showing eggs to hen" /> -</div> - -<p class="blockquot">Dont hurry things mi sweet friend. The best time to sett -a hen,—iz when the hen iz reddy.=</p> - -<p class="blockquotr">Try it—Josh Billings.=<br /><br /></p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p class="bqb10"><br />Q.–What's yure favourite piece ov skulpture?<br /> - -A.–The mile-stun nearest home.</p> - -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i11"><i>Erly the Nuze Boy crawls from hiz koal box,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i12"><i>Tho sno on the hard ground may lay,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i11"><i>And skuds for the nuze paper offiss,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i12"><i>To get his supply for the day.</i><br /></span> -</div></div> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 450px;"><br /> -<img src="images/i_172a.png" width="450" height="775" alt="almanac January 1875" /> -</div> - - -<hr class="chap" /> - -<h3><i>GRIT.</i></h3> - -<p class="bgft">Grit iz a good thing to hav, but yu dont want too mutch ov it. I hav -known folks who had so mutch grit, that they didn't kno when they waz -whipt. This dont pay. I like to see a man who aint afrade to fite a -wind-mill, when she iz in phull blast, but i dont kare to see him do it, -for a wind-mill iz a hard job to thrash, and they dont kno neither when -they hav got enuff. Grit and spunk, are two twins, and their mother iz -Courage, and their father iz Bravery. I have seen grit, and spunk, and -even courage, that didn't hav a bit ov bravery in them. Bravery allwuss -ackts from a principle. Grit may be rite, and may be rong. It aint very -certain, or partiklar whitch. Gritty men aint allwuss luvly, they are -too mutch like sandpaper to handle, allwuss reddy for a skratch. I like -grit in everything, except mi hash, thare iz when i kant bear it. Giv -every man yu meet a good big haff ov the turnpike, but if he insists -upon the whole ov it, the religion ov the Billings family iz to -arbitrate the kase at onst. If a man smotes yu on one cheek, turn him -the other one if yu like, but dont let him smote that. This aint fair.</p> - - -<h4><i>ARGUMENTS.</i></h4> - -<p class="blockquot">It iz az diffikult to define a sukcess, az it iz to ackount for the -meazles.</p> - -<hr class="sm" /> - -<p class="blockquot2">Coquets make better wives than Prudes do, but thank the Lord, thare iz -better ones in market than either ov them.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p class="bqb13"><br />Q.–What's yure opinyun ov Rats?<br /> - -A.–Poor.</p> - - -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i12"><i>Now having arrived at the offiss,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i13"><i>He goes in for nonsense, and noize,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i12"><i>And strives to git hold ov hiz papers,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i13"><i>Before the rest ov the boys.</i><br /></span> -</div></div> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 450px;"><br /> -<img src="images/i_174a.png" width="450" height="785" alt="almanac February 1875" /> -</div> - - -<hr class="chap" /> - - -<h3><i>CHARITY.</i></h3> - -<p class="bgft">Charity iz a blessed privilege; it lifts poor human natur up to the -level ov the angells, and sheds the lite ov heaven on our pathway. It iz -the most butiful ov all the impulses ov the heart, and the eazyest to -execute. Thare iz not a thought that goes out kindly to welkum a child -ov sorrow, but what iz kredited in the grate book ov everlasting life, -under the head ov Charity. Thare iz not a gift, not even a kup of kold -water, thare iz not a self sakrafice ov enny kind, thare iz not a -virtewous wish, nor a kind hope, but what kan be kounted amung the -jewels ov charity. Charity hath no markit-price here, nor hereafter, -thare iz menny a penny in the grate box that will kount out brighter, at -the last day, than enny dollar that iz thare. But thoze people who are -the soonest to melt with charity, are often the soonest to freeze up,—i -have seen them so fastidious that they couldn't meet an objikt ov -charity, without plunging their hand into one pocket, and taking out a -ten cent piece, put it right bak into the other, thus satisfying their -charity, and saving their munny at the same time.</p> - - -<h4><i>JESS SO.</i></h4> - -<p class="blockquot">All the philosophy in the world, wont make a hard trotting hoss ride -eazy.</p> - -<hr class="sm" /> - -<p class="blockquot2">One ov the most unfortunate individuals i kno ov, iz a third-rate -fiddler.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p class="bqb13"><br />Q.–How's yure mother-in-law?<br /> - -A.–Helthy, i thank yu, how's yures?</p> - -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i11"><i>Now having his merchandize purchased,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i12"><i>He's out in the sno, and the sleet,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i11"><i>And yells like a "brave" on the war path,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i12"><i>Az swiftly he runs thru the street.</i><br /></span> -</div></div> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 450px;"><br /> -<img src="images/i_176a.png" width="450" height="769" alt="almanac March 1875" /> -</div> - - -<hr class="chap" /> - - - -<h3><i>FUN.</i></h3> - -<p class="bgft">Fun is the cheapest fisick that haz bin diskovered yet, and the eazyest -to take. Fun pills are sugar coated, and no change ov diet iz necessary -while taking them. A little fun will sumtimes go a grate ways, i hav -known men to liv to a good old age on one joke, which they managed to -tell az often az once a day, and do all the laffing themselves besides -that waz done. But thare iz lots ov pholks who kant see enny phun in -enny thing, yu couldn't fire a joke into them with a double barrell gun, -10 paces off, they go thru life az sollum az a cow. Menny people think -it iz beneath their dignity to relish a joke, sutch people are simply -fools, and dont seem to kno it. The Billings family are allwuss on the -lookout for fun, it iz sed ov Dexter Billings, one ov our pristines, -that he had to be kept under 500 dollar bonds all the time, to keep him -from laffing in church. Ackordin to all ackounts this Dexter Billings -waz a cuss. Fun iz the pepper and salt ov every day life, and all he -really wiz men who hav ever lived, hav used it freely for seazoning.</p> - - -<h4><br /><i>HEAR YEE.</i></h4> - -<p class="blockquot">The man who kan set himself to work, at enny thing, on 5 minnitts -notiss, haz got one of the best trades i kno ov.</p> - -<hr class="sm" /> - -<p class="blockquot2">Virtew that kant whip Vice, in a fair stand up fite, enny time, aint -worth having.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p class="bqb12"><br />Q.–What's yure favourite style of buty?<br /> - -A.–Mi mother's.</p> - -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i10"><i>"Er'es the Errald, Times, Sun, World, and Tribune,"</i><br /></span> -<span class="i11"><i>Iz the yung merchants ear piercing kry,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i10"><i>"Got the orfull smash up on the rale rode,"</i>—<br /></span> -<span class="i11"><i>And a kuntryman stops him to buy.</i><br /></span> -</div></div> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 450px;"><br /> -<img src="images/i_178a.png" width="450" height="776" alt="almanac April 1875" /> -</div> - - -<hr class="chap" /> - - -<h3><i>EAZY BOOTS.</i></h3> - -<p class="bgft">One ov the eazyest things in this world iz a loose boot, it iz just az -eazy az falling oph from a log, when yu are fast asleep. The man who -fust invented tite boots committed suiside, so i hav been told, this waz -kind in the phellow. But if he had committed suiside before he had been -born, it would hav been kinder still. Eazy boots are one ov the luxurys -ov life, what the other luxurys are i dont kno, and dont kare. Enney man -who kan wear a tite boot, and enjoy it, iz either a martyr, or a phool, -it makes but little difference which. Tite boots produce korns, bunyons, -and swareing, and thare iz only one thing kan be said in their favour, -they make a man forgit all hiz other sorrows. An eazy boot will humanize -a sinner faster than two mishionary kan. Vanity iz the Godfather ov tite -boots, and just so long az men mistake a number eleven foot, for a -number nine boot, just so long we shall see them limping around, with -boots on two sizes too small. Next to a klear conshience, for solid -cumfort, and every day wear, cums an eazy boot.</p> - - -<h4><i>HITS.</i></h4> - -<p class="blockquot">After trieing for more than 35 years to hav mi own way in all things, i -have finally cum to the konklushun, to split the difference.</p> - -<hr class="sm" /> - -<p class="blockquot2">Everyboddy seems to konsider himself a kind ov moral half bushel, to -meazzure the worlds frailtys in.</p> - - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;"> -<img src="images/i_180a.png" width="400" height="360" alt="man and evil-looking mule" /> -</div> - -<p class="blockquot">Mules are like sum men, very corrupt at harte.—I hav -known them to be good mules for 6 months, just to git a good chance to -kik sumboddy= Josh Billings=</p> - - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;"> -<img src="images/i_181a.png" width="400" height="404" alt="man scratching a flea" /> -</div> - -<p class="blockquot">Yu kant do ennything fust rate with a flea on yu,—except -sware, and fleas aint afrade ov that.=</p> - -<p class="blockquotr">Yures respekfully. Josh Billings=<br /><br /></p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p class="bqb13"><br />Q.–What's yure favourite flower?<br /> - -A.–Buckwheat flour.</p> - -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i12"><i>Another boy rushes to serve him,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i13"><i>But our hero wont stand it no how,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i12"><i>So he pockets the kuntryman's munny,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i13"><i>And fixes himself for a row.</i><br /></span> -</div></div> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 450px;"><br /> -<img src="images/i_182a.png" width="450" height="775" alt="almanac May 1875" /> -</div> - - - -<hr class="chap" /> - - -<h3><i>WOMAN.</i></h3> - -<p>Woman iz the glass ware ov kreashun. She iz luvly, and brittle, but she -haz run up everything we really enjoy in this life from 25 cents on the -dollar to par. Adam, without Eve, would hav been az stupid a game az -playing checkures alone. Thare haz been more butiful things sed in her -praze than thare haz ov enny other animate thing, and she is worthy ov -them all. She is not an angell tho, and i hope she wont never go into -the angell bizzness. Angells on earth dont pay. The only mistake that -woman haz ever made iz to think she iz a better man than Adam.</p> - -<p class="bgft">Adam iz captin, and i am reddy to admit, that he iz often a dreadphull -poor one too. Woman iz the power behind the throne, she holds all the -best playing kards in the pak, and her own good sense ought to teach her -not to be in enny hurry to play them. I hav allwus sed, and i beleaf it -still, that the time to be karfullest iz when you hav a hand phull ov -trumps.</p> - - -<h4><br /><i>PRIVATE SENTIMENTS.</i></h4> - -<p class="blockquot">If i had 75 children i would be sure and learn 60 ov them to allwus shut -the door after them when they went out, and i wouldn't kare whether the -other 15 ever learnt mutch or not.</p> - -<hr class="sm" /> - -<p class="blockquot2">Yung man, yu better be honest than cunning, and it iz hard work to be -both.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p class="bqb13"><br />Q.–What's yure favourite color?<br /> - -A.–Blood bay.</p> - -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i11"><i>They "go in" like a pair ov yung tigers,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i12"><i>And neither seems anxious to stop,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i11"><i>Till they are suddenly brought to their senses,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i12"><i>By a vigilant, fierce looking "cop."</i><br /></span> -</div></div> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 450px;"><br /> -<img src="images/i_184a.png" width="450" height="782" alt="almanac June 1875" /> -</div> - - -<hr class="chap" /> - - -<h3><i>POLITENESS.</i></h3> - -<p class="bgft">What a man kant win in this world bi politeness aint worth having. -Politeness iz just as natrul az fun iz, and iz the cheapest way to git a -living i kno ov. It haz made more friends than enny thing else ever haz, -and haz kept them longer. It dont kost enny more to be polite than it -duz to be happy, and enny man iz a phool who kant be either, if he iz a -mind to. I hav known it to sukceed whare every thing else had failed, -and i never knu it to fail, whare it undertook to sukceed. It iz az eazy -to apply az the "poor mans plaster," and it will allwus stik whare it iz -stuk. Next to honesty, politeness iz queen bee in the hive, and the man -who iz thoroly honest and thoroly polite, haz nothing to fear, or hope -for. Politeness, without honesty, iz a good deal risky, but sumtimes the -wust we kan call it iz, "a pleazant fraud."</p> - - -<h4><br /><i>2 FAKTS.</i></h4> - -<p class="blockquot">The best abuzed woman ov the 19th century iz the average mother in law.</p> - -<hr class="sm" /> - -<p class="blockquot2">One ov the most perfekt viktorys yu kan achieve over enny man, iz to -beat him in politeness.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p class="bqb11"><br />Q.–Who's yure favourite proze author?<br /> - -A.–Noah Webster.</p> - -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i11"><i>He takes them away to the stashun,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i12"><i>Whare both are krestfallen and meek,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i11"><i>And after a lektur on fiteing,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i12"><i>The kids are discharged by the</i> "beak."<br /></span> -</div></div> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 450px;"><br /> -<img src="images/i_186a.png" width="450" height="780" alt="almanac July 1875" /> -</div> - - -<hr class="chap" /> - - -<h3><i>EGG NOGG.</i></h3> - -<p class="bgft">Thare iz no fluid known to mortal man, that haz got more bakbone, and -less tangle leg, in a quart ov it, than good, old 1776, Egg Nogg. Our -grand dads drank it fluently, and thankt the Lord, az it meandered sloly -down their thruts. It iz bilt out ov sider, and fresh egg, and iz az -phull ov fun, and innosense, az a kittens tail. Enny man who haz moral -skruples about drinking a glass ov fresh made egg nogg, had better git -hiz morality insured aginst acksidents at once, for he iz in danger ov -having hiz morality kompletely eradikated from the face ov the earth. -Morality that kant stand egg nogg, iz a weak sister. I luv egg nogg, and -hope i allwuss shall. I kant tell yu now when egg nogg waz fust -diskovered, nor who the lucky kritter waz who fust found it out, but i -would giv 15 dollars at least to know that it waz one ov mi ansesstors. -I am orphull proud ov the anshunt Billing'es and enny glory that -fluktuates around them, kind ov circumambiates around me. This may look -like weakness in me, but it iz natur, and i dont beleav in allwuss -snubbing natur. I say let yure natur kind ov go it, onst in a while.</p> - - -<h4><i>SUM OPINYUNS.</i></h4> - -<p class="blockquot">Mi experience in life thus far haz been, that 7, wont go into 5, and hav -mutch ov ennything left over.</p> - -<hr class="sm" /> - -<p class="blockquot2">I hav herd lies so well told that a man would allmost be a phool not to -beleave them.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p class="bqb12"><br />Q.–What's yure favourite perfume?<br /> - -A.–Modesty.</p> - -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i11"><i>At liberty now out they skamper,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i12"><i>But before their days work they renew,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i11"><i>Our hero remarks to hiz rival,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i12"><i>"Tommorow, I'll take kare ov yu."</i><br /></span> -</div></div> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 450px;"><br /> -<img src="images/i_188a.png" width="450" height="779" alt="almanac August 1875" /> -</div> - - -<hr class="chap" /> - - -<h3><i>FAITH.</i></h3> - -<p class="bgft">Faith iz the right bower ov hope. If it want for faith thare would be no -living in this world, we couldn't even eat hash with enny safety. Human -knolledge iz very short, and dont reach but a little ways, and even that -little ways iz twilite, but faith lightens up the road, so that we kan -see to read the letterings on the mile stuns az we travel. Faith has won -more viktorys than all the other pashuns ov the harte put together, for -faith iz one ov them kind ov warriors that dont kno when she is whipt. -But faith iz no milk sop, but a live fighter, she dont set down and gro -stupid with resignashun, and git weak with the buty ov her attributes, -but she is the heroine ov a forlorn hope. I think now if i couldn't hav -but one ov the moral attributes i would take it all in Faith, and tho i -mite make sum fust rate blunders, i would do a rushing bizzness amung -the various kinds ov dri bones that iz lieing around loose in the world. -Faith haz allwus been one ov the best holts ov the Billings family, from -the daze ov Noah, down to now.</p> - - -<h4><i>HOW IZ THIS?</i></h4> - -<p class="blockquot">Experience ackts on sum pholks vitals just az it duz on a bull tarrier, -he dont fairly git over one whipping before he begins to look around for -another.</p> - -<hr class="sm" /> - -<p class="blockquot">The vulgar allwuss notiss everything they see.<br /><br /></p> - - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;"> -<img src="images/i_190a.png" width="400" height="377" alt="monkey scratching its head" /> -</div> - -<p class="blockquot">The monkey iz one ov our poor relashuns, and skratches -hiz hed az natral az a skool boy duz,—and probably for simular -reazons.=</p> - -<p class="blockquotr">Funny, aint it, Josh Billings</p> - - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;"> -<img src="images/i_191a.png" width="400" height="455" alt="lion eating a lamb" /> -</div> - -<p class="blockquot">Thare may cum a time, when the Lion, and the Lam will lie -down together,—i shall be az glad to see it az enny boddy,—but i am -still betting on the Lion.=</p> - -<p class="blockquot">Truly, Josh Billings.<br /><br /></p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p class="bqb12"><br />Q.–What's yure favourite amuzement?<br /> - -A.–Sleeping.</p> - -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i11"><i>He meets with a smooth faced old villain,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i12"><i>Who ov a bad stamp would git free,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i11"><i>But the boy twiddles hiz fingers, and sez,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i12"><i>"Yu kant kum that ere over me."</i><br /></span> -</div></div> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 450px;"><br /> -<img src="images/i_192a.png" width="450" height="781" alt="almanac September 1875" /> -</div> - - -<hr class="chap" /> - - -<h3><i>EKONEMY.</i></h3> - -<p class="bgft">Ekonemy iz the art ov allwuss gitting the worth ov yure munny, and -gitting the right change bak, and it iz also the art ov making 10 cents, -once in a while, go az fur az a shilling. It iz like an ear fur musik, -it has got to be born the same time yu are, or not at all. Yu kant larn -an extravagant person to be ekonomikal enny more than yu kan learn a -muskeeter to quit eating, when he haz got enuff. Thiz iz funny, but it -iz too true to laff at. Ekonemy iz the mother-in-law ov Prosperity, and -she iz one ov them kind ov mother-in-laws that never made enny -disturbanse in the family. Ekonemy haz made more munny in this world -than spekulashun ever haz, and thare iz another thing about it, she -allwuss hangs on to it. Thare iz only one trubble about ekonemy, it -sumtimes runs into avarice, and then all itz buty iz destroyed. It iz -better to be a spendthrift, than a mizer. The Billings family hav -allwuss bin noticed in history for their ekonemy. Jericho Billings, one -ov our primevals, kept the same pair ov boots 26 years, but he wore out -9 souls, and 5 pairs ov upper leathers in the meantime.</p> - - -<h4><i>HARK!</i></h4> - -<p class="blockquot">Cunning men are like a hand saw,—they only hav teeth on one side ov -them.</p> - -<hr class="sm" /> - -<p class="blockquot2">Next in point ov meanness, to doing a man an injury, iz to do him a -favour, and every now, and then, remind him ov it.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p class="bqb12"><br />Q.–Who's yure favourite painters?<br /> - -A.–Sunrize and sunset.</p> - -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i11"><i>Having sold out hiz papers, our hero,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i12"><i>To some cheap hash hous skampers away,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i11"><i>And after he calls for hiz luncheon,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i12"><i>He reckons his gains for the day.</i><br /></span> -</div></div> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 450px;"><br /> -<img src="images/i_194a.png" width="450" height="779" alt="almanac October 1875" /> -</div> - - -<hr class="chap" /> - - -<h3><i>HAM, AND EGG.</i></h3> - -<p class="bgft">Thare are certain things in this world that seem just az tho they waz -born for each other, and ham, and egg, are two ov them things. Altho -they cum from quite different lokalitys, they must be twins, for they -are so often seen together. If i kan hav all the ham, and egg i want, -kodphish bawls may tak a bak seat for the present. Vittles and drink hav -allwuss been a staple artikle with human natur, and when they play out, -i am reddy to quit. Sum pholks are so etherial that they kan liv on the -smell ov biled kabbage, but i must hav a chunk ov the kabbage. Pholks -may talk about ambrozial nektar az mutch az they pleze, they kant phool -me with enny ov thoze kind ov essences, for i hav lived just long enuff -to find out, that the best ov society, hav got to hav their biled -vittles, kind ov reglar, even if they tak them on the sli, or they will -soon peg out. Natur is natur, and she will hav her ham, and egg. Natur -iz a little raw once in a while, but she allwuss stands up for her -rights, and tho yu may defraud her, yu kant kompromise with her. Ham, -and egg, was a bevarage long before Noahs freshet.</p> - - -<h4><i>TAKE NOTISS.</i></h4> - -<p class="blockquot">Good breeding makes all kondishuns ov life equal.</p> - -<hr class="sm" /> - -<p class="blockquot2">Anger allwus hurts us more than it duz the other phellow which we git -mad at.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p class="bqb12"><br />Q.–What's yure idea ov happiness?<br /> - -A.–Tite gluvs, and eazy boots.</p> - -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i11"><i>After greedily eatin his luncheon,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i12"><i>He lies bak and snoozes a bit,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i11"><i>And when nite cums you'll find him enjoying,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i12"><i>A seat in the Bowery pit.</i><br /></span> -</div></div> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 450px;"><br /> -<img src="images/i_196a.png" width="450" height="787" alt="almanac November 1875" /> -</div> - - -<hr class="chap" /> - - -<h3><i>THE PISSMIRE.</i></h3> - -<p class="bgft">The pissmire iz a blak bugg about 23 times az big az the ant, and az -phull ov important bizzness az the chairman ov a wimmins rights -convenshun. They hav thirteen konsekutive leggs on each side ov their -boddys, and allwuss travel on the run. They are like sum men, ever -hunting for sumthing to do, but never was known to find it. I hav seen -them travel for two hours, bakwards, and forwards, and not git 3 feet -from whare they started from, stopping every now and then to listen. The -pissmire iz the loafer amung bugs, and like other loafers, livs from -hand to mouth. Their home iz a hole in the ground, but call on them az -often az yu pleze, yu will never find them in. They git up late, and go -to bed late, and are allwuss hungry, and hollow. They are az lazy az -mollassis in the month ov Febuary, and az useless az an extra dog in a -family. Pissmires are a poor speculashun, i wouldn't giv 50 cents for -the whole krop.</p> - - -<h4><i>REFLECKSHUNS.</i></h4> - -<p class="blockquot">If yu are going to giv a man enny thing giv it to him cheerfully, and -quick, dont make him git down on hiz kneeze in front ov yu, and listen -to the 10 commandments, and then yu giv him 5 cents.</p> - -<hr class="sm" /> - -<p class="blockquot2">The man who is allwuss confessing hiz sins, and never quitting them, iz -the most onsartin sinner i kno ov.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p class="bqb10"><br />Q.–Who's yure favourite heroine in romanse?<br /> - -A.–Old Mother Hubbard.</p> - -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i11"><i>When the sensashun drama is ended,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i12"><i>Our hero remembers with pain,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i11"><i>That the plezzures ov life are but fleeting,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i12"><i>And he goes for hiz koal box again.</i><br /></span> -</div></div> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 450px;"><br /> -<img src="images/i_198a.png" width="450" height="777" alt="almanac December 1875" /> -</div> - - -<hr class="chap" /> - - - -<h3><i>WHAT THE PAPERS THINK.</i></h3> - -<p class="blockquot">Josh Billings' Farmer's "Allminax" has come again, it is as welcome, and -genial, as dew to the parched earth.—<i>London Speckletator.</i></p> - -<hr class="sm" /> - -<p class="blockquot">It is joy for the fireside, it is rest for the weary.—<i>Newburyport -Guardian.</i></p> - -<hr class="sm" /> - -<p class="blockquot">Fresher, fairer, more fertile, and funny than ever, may its sweet face -look in upon us for all time, delightfull Josh Billings' "Allminax," -record of the past, bright promise of the future.—<i>Savannah Amarinth.</i></p> - -<hr class="sm" /> - -<p class="blockquot">How crisp! how tart!—<i>London Queen.</i></p> - -<hr class="sm" /> - -<p class="blockquot">Josh Billings' Farmer's "Allminax" is a bright jewel in the current -literature of the day.—<i>Louisville Dispatch.</i></p> - -<hr class="sm" /> - -<p class="blockquot">Bless the dear little waif, we love it, and who shall chide us for -loveing!—<i>Lady's Journal.</i></p> - -<hr class="sm" /> - -<p class="blockquot">We have received Mr. Joshua Billings' Farmer's "Allminax" for 1876, and -shall notice its contents at our very earliest convenience.—<i>Edinburgh -Review.</i></p> - -<hr class="sm" /> - -<p class="blockquot2">It's a square deal, chuncky and smart.—<i>Texas Blade.</i></p> - - - - -<h3><i>LATEST NUZE.</i></h3> - -<p class="blockquot">Dik Blister waz arrested yesterday bi offiser Pinkerton for trieing tew -pass a counterfit omnibuss, on a 50 cent driver, ov the 23' street line -ov stages. Held for examinashun.</p> - -<hr class="sm" /> - -<p class="blockquot">It iz sed (but not offishall) that Mr. & Mrs. Punchinello will not visit -the white mountains next season. Their dauter Betsey Punchinello iz sed -tew be engaged to the Baron Von Chalk, and the family will enter -seklushun on this ackount.</p> - -<hr class="sm" /> - -<p class="blockquot">A writer in Blackwood's magazine estimates that thare haint been, in -all, over 200 fleas killed since the flood.</p> - -<hr class="sm" /> - -<p class="blockquot"><i>On dit</i>, that Dick Manchester haz quit the 3 kard monte bizzness, and -iz starring it legitimately, at Sing Sing, on a 2 years engagement.</p> - -<hr class="sm" /> - -<p class="blockquot">We are pleased tew notiss the growing popularity ov Mr. & Mrs. David -Jibboom, their respektibility iz now fully established, having appeared -on the avenew with a two hoss carriage, and a slitely coloured driver, -with a velvet hat band, and two rows of brass buttons.</p> - -<hr class="sm" /> - -<p class="blockquot">The latest agony in poodles iz saffron, with steel coloured eyes.</p> - -<hr class="sm" /> - -<p class="blockquot2">Matilda O'Brigham, four days in her last place, with a karakter, will -receive proposals at her residence in makrel row. No objekshuns to going -into the country for the summer az companyun tew a lady provided -suitable references are given. Lessons on the piano will be taken -instead ov the usual presents expekted from the family.</p> - - -<hr class="chap" /> - - -<h3><i>THE DONKEY.</i></h3> - -<p class="bgft">I hav watched the donkey with a grate deal ov pashunt anxiety. They are -about 3 foot hi, and sumthing like three foot six inches lengthwize. -They hav a normal appetight, and will eat all the time, and more too. -They aint partikular about their vittles, and will tri hard to swallo a -hoss shu, but they kant do it. The donkey iz one ov naturs jokes, a sort -ov pun on a horse, which i could never see the point to. They are az -sett in their ways, az a gate post, and are the only live things that -are too mutch for a klub. They will stand more pounding than a sheaf ov -wet oats, without shelling out. The donkey haz 2 ears, and only 1 tale, -and the ears are to the rest ov their boddy, like two steeples to a -church. The donkey iz a sober, and misterious kuss. Fairwell yu sad, and -thinking kritter, i may never again rite yure memoirs, but whether I -dont, or do, I shall allways respekt yu, az a donkey, that's all. Az a -cluss studdy, the donkey iz az full ov interest, az a mile stun, with -the letterings all worn oph. Donkeys will liv forever, or thareabouts, -and retain their buty, and intelligence to the last. Adew you graven -image, you solid one, adew!</p> - - -<h4><i>PONDER.</i></h4> - -<p class="blockquot">To lie about a man never hurts him, but to tell the truth about him -sumtimes duz.</p> - -<hr class="sm" /> - -<p class="blockquot2">I think it iz good taste, and also good judgement, when a man prays for -the sins ov the people, that he should count himself in.</p> - - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;"> -<img src="images/i_202a.png" width="400" height="371" alt="man with fishing rod; goat eating out of his basket" /> -</div> - -<p class="blockquot">I hav known men so pious that when they went out a -fishing on Sunday, they allwuss prayed for good luk</p> - -<p class="blockquotr">a fakt, Josh Billings</p> - - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;"><br /><br /> -<img src="images/i_203a.png" width="400" height="395" alt="wine bottle lablelled milk, man/fly drinking" /> -</div> - -<p class="blockquot">The fly is a friendly kritter, tho i never see him the -wuss for liquor,—but i hav often seen liquor, that waz a good deal the -wuss for flys.</p> - -<p class="blockquotr">Jess so Josh Billings<br /><br /></p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p class="bqb13"><br />Q.–Who iz the meanest man?<br /> - -A.–He who peeks thru a key hole.</p> - -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i12"><i>John Simpson waz a bachelor,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i13"><i>Ov forty, perhaps ov forty-three,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i12"><i>With the dispepshy onto him,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i13"><i>Wuss than enny man yu ever see.</i><br /></span> -</div></div> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 450px;"><br /> -<img src="images/i_204a.png" width="450" height="788" alt="almanac January 1876" /> -</div> - - -<hr class="chap" /> - - -<h3><i>THE VEGATABEL BITTERS MAN.</i></h3> - -<p class="bgft">Whenever a man gits ded broke, and kant think ov nothing to raze a -breeze with, and hiz uncle wont hav him boarding at hiz house enny more, -and the heels ov hiz boots hav knawed the bottom ov his pantaloons all -off, he takes rubarb root, and a fu katnip blossoms, and sum tan bark, -and sokes them for 14 hours in sum cheap whiskey, and goes hedlong into -the liver renovating bizzness. He plasters every fence, saw mill log, -stun wall, and cow's back, from Portland Maine to Stockton Californy, -with red, and yello hand bills, offering to heal the halt, make the -blind talk, and the deaf see, and renew the inside, and outside, ov all -kreashun, for a dollar and twenty five cents a bottle. He takes rooms at -sum fust klass hotel, drives 8 in hand, and never iz seen, only on the -jump. He iz az full ov bizzness az a deputy superintendant ov a Sunday -skool, on a piknik day, and call on him when yu will, to kollekt yure -little bill ov 7 dollars, he haz just left for Baltimore, or wont be -home from Nu Orleans, untill week after next. Theze men are not all ov -them unskrupulous, they are kunning kritters, who hav found out, that -mankind to be happy, must be cheated.</p> - - -<h4><i>PAUZE.</i></h4> - -<p class="blockquot">It iz the prudes in this world that need the most watching, coquets are -too kareless to be dangerous.</p> - -<hr class="sm" /> - -<p class="blockquot2">Most men are like a hop vine, if they dont hav sum kind ov a pole to -klimb, and then stik to it, they wont promulgate mutch hops.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p class="bqb13"><br />Q.–Please define old bachelors.<br /> - -A.–Pickled Krabs.</p> - -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i12"><i>Sum friend told John to travel,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i13"><i>Twelve miles on the jump each day,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i12"><i>Before he et enny brekfasst,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i13"><i>And not loiter upon the way.</i><br /></span> -</div></div> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 450px;"><br /> -<img src="images/i_206a.png" width="450" height="785" alt="almanac February 1876" /> -</div> - - -<hr class="chap" /> - - -<h3><i>THE KROW.</i></h3> - -<p class="bgft">I hav written sevral very poplar obituary notisses ov the krow, but find -that i hav stated a good deal about them that wazn't jist so, and left -unsed mutch that waz true. The krow iz az cunning az a Tombs lawyer, and -just about az mutch ov a ded beat. Yu kant ketch one in a trap, and if -you should, yu could not bile one in a pot, soft enuff to eat, in 3 -weeks. A tame krow, and a civilized injun, may be a moral triumph on the -face ov it, but when yu cum to examine the other side ov it, yu will -find that yu hav overdid the bizzness. If all the krows, and injuns, in -this world were tame and, civilized, yu could bid fairwell to all other -manuel, and mental labor, and spend all yure time, and talents, studying -the pesky, infernal kritters. Krows assemble in the fall ov the year, 30 -thousand ov them, or more, in council, and appoint their deakons for the -following year. At this grate kawkuss, rezolushuns ov a inflamitory -natur are passed, daming the farmers for putting up skare krows in the -kornfields, plans are laid for next years stealings, and each krow -swopping wives, the meeting disseminates, and the krows fli away.</p> - - -<h4><i>HOLD!</i></h4> - -<p class="blockquot">Dont keep but one dog, no one but a pauper kan afford to keep three.</p> - -<hr class="sm" /> - -<p class="blockquot2">If yu are going to make amuzements a stiddy bizzness, ketching flies iz -az good az enny.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p class="bqb13"><br />Q.–What are bording-houses?<br /> - -A.–Asylums for cockroaches.</p> - -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i12"><i>John heard next that dieting,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i13"><i>Waz the only thing 'twould kure him,</i>—<br /></span> -<span class="i12"><i>Liv on a jill of soup a day,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i13"><i>And they offered to insure him.</i><br /></span> -</div></div> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 450px;"><br /> -<img src="images/i_208a.png" width="450" height="794" alt="almanac March 1876" /> -</div> - - -<hr class="chap" /> - - -<h3><i>THE KROTON BUG.</i></h3> - -<p class="bgft">The kroton bug are dirty blak kusses, without enny pedigree, and ov no -more use than an extra fli in a plate ov soup. They hang around wet and -damp places, and are all the time either going in, or comeing out, ov -every krak in that naborhood. Thare iz no begining, nor end, to their -number, and if yu bore a hole with a gimblet, enny whare near a plug -basin, the next day the krotons will be az thick around it, az tho a nu -3 cent gin mill had just been opened thare. What they liv on no -naturalist knows, or dassent tell, and yu kant git rid ov them, enny -more than you kan skare the flies out ov a sugar hogshed, by hollering -at them. They are allwuss on the move like a grasshopper, but what they -are about, or would like to hav, they kant even tell them selfs. Thare -iz a powder advertized which they say will klean the kroton bugs all out -ov the house in 4 days. I am no gambler, but i will give the powder 7 -days the start, and then bet on the bugs. Thare is only one sure way to -git the krotons out ov a house, burn up the house and let a strong east -wind blo the ashes away.</p> - - -<h4><i>DWELL.</i></h4> - -<p class="blockquot">The devil allwuss keeps the gide boards that lead to hiz dominions, -fresh painted, and in good order.</p> - -<hr class="sm" /> - -<p class="blockquot2">I never knu a man yet who waz allwuss watching his helth, to die enny -whare near az soon az he expekted to.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p class="bqb15"><br />Q.–Define a pig.<br /> - -A.–Pork in pantaletts.</p> - -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i12"><i>For two years John lived on nothing,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i13"><i>And walkt like a ghost on a raid,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i12"><i>'Till he lookt like the piktur abuv,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i13"><i>Which kost us a</i> "V" <i>to hav made</i>.<br /></span> -</div></div> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 450px;"><br /> -<img src="images/i_210a.png" width="450" height="792" alt="almanac April 1876" /> -</div> - - -<hr class="chap" /> - -<h3><i>THE KUNTRY SKOOL MOM.</i></h3> - - -<p class="bgft">The kuntry skool mom iz allwuss about 23 years, and six months old, and -remains rite thare for a term ov years. She wears her hair either kut -short, or hanging around in ringlets, and iz az precise in every thing, -az a pair ov Fairbanks' improved platform skales. She never laffs out -loud, and seldum even smiles, but when she duz, she duz it ackording to -the rules laid down by Murray, for speaking, and pronouncing, the -English language propperly. She iz the very oil ov propriety, and would -rather be four years behind the fashions in bonnetts, than to spell a -word wrong, or parse a sentence inkorrektly. The kuntry skool mom seldum -dies an old maid, she gits marrid to sum man who haz less larning than -she haz, and he thinks (az he ought to) that thare aint another sutch a -larnt woman az hiz wife iz, in all kreashun. With all her precise -foolishness i luv, and respekt, the kuntry skool mom, she taut me mi -letters, and larnt me how to spel, she waz pashunt while i waz stupid, -she soothed me when i waz frackshus, and she often (good soul) giv me a -titbit from her luncheon at noon time. May Heaven bless, and comfort -her, for she iz poorly paid, and iz stepmother to every boddys yung -ones.</p> - - -<h4><i>STOP.</i></h4> - -<p class="blockquot">A man will liv longer on onions, and abuse, than on enny other 2 things -i kno ov.</p> - -<hr class="sm" /> - -<p class="blockquot2">Yung man, mark yure goose up hi, two thirds ov the world hav no other -idea of value, only by the price that iz put onto things.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p class="bqb14"><br />Q.–What iz honesty?<br /> - -A.–The wag ov a dogs tail.</p> - -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i12"><i>Johnny then bought a hard trotter,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i13"><i>And rode himself weak az a rag,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i12"><i>Then sold him for 19 dollars,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i13"><i>Just haff that he gave for the nag.</i><br /></span> -</div></div> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 450px;"><br /> -<img src="images/i_212a.png" width="450" height="780" alt="almanac May 1876" /> -</div> - - -<hr class="chap" /> - -<h3><i>THE RED CURRANT</i></h3> - -<p class="bgft">Next to the apple, for every day wear, cums the red currant. They are -allmost az necessary, and common, for sweetmeats, in all well regulated -familys, az hash iz for brekfasst. They gro on a low bush, and they gro -so thick, that yu couldn't stik another one on, without knocking off -two. They are about the size ov a dubble B shot, and when they are ripe, -are az red az the eye of a wild pigeon. They are az sour az the blood ov -a lemon, but plenty ov sugar kures them ov this malady. Currants are -good green, ripe, and haff ripe, and are cheaper than herring, and not -haff so full of bones. Thare iz a grate menny things i had rather do, in -a hot day, than pik currants but i hav dun it all day, when i waz a boy, -and got a ninepence at night for the job. I am more than haff a century -old now, but i kan look bak and see just how brite, and how big, one ov -them ninepences used to be. A hundred dollars aint haff so mutch munny -now, az they waz then. I wish ı waz a boy agin, and knu ov life what i -kno now, ı would bind miself, if I could allwuss be a boy, to pik -currants for a ninepence a day, az long az the currants held out.</p> - - -<h4><i>REFLEKT</i></h4> - -<p class="blockquot">A jealous man iz allwuss anxious to beleave what he doubts the most.</p> - -<hr class="sm" /> - -<p class="blockquot">Too grate a luv ov popularity makes a munky ov a man.</p> - - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;"> -<img src="images/i_214a.png" width="400" height="402" alt="man at ease, feet in boots on mantelpiece" /> -</div> - -<p class="blockquot">Next to a klear conshunce, for solid cumfort, cums an -eazy boot.=</p> - -<p class="blockquotr">Try both. Josh Billings</p> - - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;"> -<img src="images/i_215a.png" width="400" height="415" alt="two men throwing dice" /> -</div> - -<p class="blockquot">Dont dispize yure poor relashuns, they may bekum suddenly -ritch sum day, and then it will be awkward to explain things to them.=</p> - -<p class="blockquotr">Undoubtedly so, Josh Billings.<br /><br /></p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p class="bqb14"><br />Q.–Define a perfume.<br /> - -A.–Rape ov the flowers.</p> - -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i11"><i>Five years John spent hunting tonicks,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i12"><i>He drank all the kures in the land,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i11"><i>And lost so mutch flesh he waz forced</i><br /></span> -<span class="i12"><i>To hold up hiz pants with each hand.</i><br /></span> -</div></div> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 450px;"><br /> -<img src="images/i_216a.png" width="450" height="791" alt="almanac June 1876" /> -</div> - - -<hr class="chap" /> - - -<h3><i>THE LITENING ROD MAN.</i></h3> - -<p class="bgft">Ever since Adam waz ordered to root, or perish, thare haz been an -endless lot ov labor saving masheens, invented, az plenty, and menny ov -them az useless, az tudstools in an old meadow. Theze invenshuns are -generally pattented, and to be a good pattent rite vender, and sell a -man an injun rubber litening rod, who haz allreddy got two, requires -more genius, than to be consul to the Azore Islands. I have seen theze -litening rod fellows sell a man a rod who wouldn't hav one at enny -price, and after they had got hiz house all covered over with one, and -got the munny for it, git one onto hiz barn, and pig pen, and git hiz -note for them, with his nabors endorsement, for 9 months, with 7 per -cent interest from date. I should be a mizerable hand to sell a pattent -rite miself, but just the rite kind ov a man to buy one. It iz a grate -wonder that I dont own a dozen now, that would be az useless to enny -boddy az a pair ov pattent crutches would be to a lame grasshopper. I -hav got a grate deal ov pattent rite kuriosity in my compound, and am -allways hanging around things that hav got a little mistery in them, but -i suppoze i hav got a grate deal ov caushun too. But now I think ov it, -kuriosity, and caushun, well mixt, are a hard thing to sell a pattent -rite to.</p> - - -<h4><i>ESPOUSE.</i></h4> - -<p class="blockquot">The fust 3 notes i endorsed i had to pay, and i hope it will be jiss so -with the next 3.</p> - -<hr class="sm" /> - -<p class="blockquot2">It aint no kredit for enny man, to work for nothing, and board himself.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p class="bqb14"><br />Q.–What are sassages?<br /> - -A.–Doggerels.</p> - -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i12"><i>Our pashunt now took to reading,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i13"><i>He studdid the liver ov man,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i12"><i>Untill he knu what ailed him,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i13"><i>A heap less, than when he began.</i><br /></span> -</div></div> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 450px;"><br /> -<img src="images/i_218a.png" width="450" height="785" alt="almanac July 1876" /> -</div> - - -<hr class="chap" /> - - -<h3><i>THE PEACH.</i></h3> - - -<p class="bgft">Peaches and kream will convert enny man who iz worth saving. The peach -haz a doun on them, like the doun on a maiden's cheek, but it aint haff -so plezant to git onto the lips. Peach brandy iz made out ov the peach, -this licker haz been called mellow, but like all other licker that i hav -tried, it will lay out a saint, just az flatt az it will a sinner. The -fakt ov it iz, thare aint no kind ov ardent rum, i dont kare how -artless, and gentle the name ov it iz, or how ritch, and mello yu may -call it, but what will throw him who wrassells with it, be he phool, or -be he philospher. Thare iz only one piece ov humanity that kan stand -ardent speerits, and he iz an injun, and he kant stand it, only just -long enuff to git civilized. When peach brandy is fust made it iz az hot -az a streak ov litening, and just about az sudden. I once drank a tea -spoon full ov it warm from the still, and it waz 20 minnitts be fore i -could draw a long breath. I waz az hot inside az a chimney on fire. I -thought it would brake out and blaze sum whare, but it didn't happen to.</p> - - -<h4><i>DIGEST.</i></h4> - -<p class="blockquot">I konsider all profeshions that are honest, honorabell enuff, but i hav -thought, that a travelling korn doktor, waz the last one i should adopt, -just for the sake ov glory.</p> - -<hr class="sm" /> - -<p class="blockquot2">Thare iz one thing about a mule that i allwuss did like, the minnitt -that you begin to flatter them, then they begin to kik.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p class="bqb13"><br />Q.–Define dispepshy.<br /> - -A.–Nightmare ov the stummuk.</p> - -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i12"><i>John bought next a kord of hard wood,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i13"><i>And sawed like a man on a bet,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i12"><i>It bent him dubble,—if it hadn't,—</i><br /></span> -<span class="i13"><i>John would have sawed at it yet,</i><br /></span> -</div></div> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 450px;"><br /> -<img src="images/i_220a.png" width="450" height="785" alt="almanac August 1876" /> -</div> - - -<hr class="chap" /> - -<h3><i>THE BUMBLE BEE.</i></h3> - -<p class="bgft">The bumble bee iz a kind ov big fly who goes muttering, and swareing -around the lots, during the summer, looking after little boys to sting -them, and stealing hunny out ov the dandylions, and thissells. He iz mad -all the time about sumthing, and dont seem to kare a kuss what people -think ov him. A skool boy will studdy harder enny time to find a bumble -bees nest than he will to git hiz lesson in arithmetik, and when he haz -found it, and got the hunny out ov it, and got badly stung into the -bargin, he finds thare aint mutch margin in it. Next to poor mollassis, -bumble bee hunny iz the poorest kind ov sweetmeats in market. Bumble -bees hav allwuss been in fashion, and probably allwuss will be, but -whare the fun, or proffit lays in them, i never could cypher out. The -proffit dont seem to be in the hunny, nor in the bumble bee neither. -They bild their nest in the ground, or enny whare else they take a -noshun too, and aint afrade to fite a whole distrikt skool, if they -meddle with them. I dont blame the bumble bee, nor enny other fellow, -for defending hiz sugar, it iz the fust, and last Law ov natur, and i -hope the law wont never run out. The smartest thing about the bumble bee -iz their stinger.</p> - - -<h4><i>DISCUSS.</i></h4> - -<p class="blockquot">Mice very seldum cum out ov a hole that iz clussly watched.</p> - -<hr class="sm" /> - -<p class="blockquot2">I fully beleave in ghosts, but I never herd yet ov two persons seeing -the same ghost, at the same time.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p class="bqb15"><br />Q.–Define thunder.<br /> - -A.–Lightning on a bust.</p> - -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i12"><i>John's minister called on him now,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i13"><i>His case exciting alarm,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i12"><i>The good man sed</i>, "John is all right,"<br /></span> -<span class="i13"><i>Only go to work on a farm.</i><br /></span> -</div></div> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 450px;"><br /> -<img src="images/i_222a.png" width="450" height="778" alt="almanac September 1876" /> -</div> - - -<hr class="chap" /> - - -<h3><i>THE YELLO JACKET.</i></h3> - -<p class="bgft">The yello jacket iz ov the wasp purswashun, and iz about one size -smaller than the common blak hornet, and iz az mutch hotter, in hiz -coolest moments, than enny other bug, az jersey litening iz hotter than -ice kream. They are the most krewel fighters in existence, and will hit -a man, or beast, four times in a seckond, in the same spot. They are az -yello az gold, and when they are good mad, they blaze like a kandle. -When a yello jacket gits mad all the way through, he will fite a brush -heap on fire, just az quick az he will a mile stun. I hav seen them -pitch on to each other, and having killed their man, close up the fite -by stinging themselfs to death. Dont go near a yellow jacket's nest in -the month of August, unless yure life iz insured, not even a hard shell -Baptist, or a missionary, would be safe in that naborhood. They kant -tell a friend from a foe, and I think would sting a potash kittle, a -dozen times, and not mistrust it waz iron. They make homes for themselfs -out in the lots amungst the ploughed ground, and i hav seen them bile -out ov their nests like a distrikt skool let out for noon, or a -smothered fire, and pitching into the oxen, farmer, and plough, drive -the whole party, on the jump, off from the premises.</p> - - -<h4><i>EMBRACE.</i></h4> - -<p class="blockquot">Most men are like vinegar, the older they gro, the sourer they git.</p> - -<hr class="sm" /> - -<p class="blockquot">Lazy men, and black ants, are allwuss hunting for a job.</p> - - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;"><br /> -<img src="images/i_224a.png" width="400" height="374" alt="smug man with gun, dead mule" /> -</div> - -<p class="blockquot">Thare iz no phun in gitting kikt bi a mule, but thare iz lots ov phun in -knowing that he kant do it agin.=</p> - -<p class="blockquotr">How is this, Josh Billings</p> - - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;"><br /><br /> -<img src="images/i_225a.png" width="400" height="375" alt="man falling downstairs, loving couple in background" /> -</div> - -<p class="blockquot">Falling in luv, iz like falling down stairs.—we never kan tell exackly -how the thing waz did.=</p> - -<p class="blockquotr">In haste, Josh Billings<br /><br /></p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p class="bqb11"><br />Q.–Deskribe old maids.<br /> - -A.–Embers from which the sparks hav fled.</p> - -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i12"><i>Our hero soon found out a place,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i13"><i>With a farmer, kind hearted indeed,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i12"><i>Who let him ho corn for nothing,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i13"><i>And only charged John for his feed.</i><br /></span> -</div></div> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 450px;"><br /> -<img src="images/i_226a.png" width="450" height="801" alt="almanac October 1876" /> -</div> - - -<hr class="chap" /> - - -<h3><i>THE YANKEE PEDLAR.</i></h3> - -<p class="bgft">Probably the sharpest man that the world haz been blest with thus far iz -the natral born Yankee pedlar. He takes to the bizzness just az handy az -a yung duk takes to the water, who haz been hatched out by mistake amung -a lot ov hen's eggs. He kan see just whare the proffit lies in a dicker, -and aint afrade to invest hiz whole pile, at a minnitt's notiss, in an -assorted lot ov goose yokes. He begins life yung, and like the bizzy -ant, gits up arly, and eats on the run. Az long az he keeps honest he iz -sure to sukceed, but sumtimes hiz genius iz too mutch for hiz integrity, -and every boddy gits to be az frade ov him, az they are ov a hornet. The -hornet iz the smartest bug in kreashun, but haint got no friends. The -world luvs to be cheated, but they want to hav it dun bi an honest man, -and not bi a hornet, and then they never seem to git tired ov it. I hav -seen Yankee pedlars who allwus cheated every boddy they traded with, but -they allwuss did it so honest, and square, that every boddy seemed to be -happy when their turn cum. But the old fashioned Yankee pedlar, with his -little red painted kart, and bobtail pony, like the letterings on the -mile stuns, iz fast fading away.</p> - - -<h4><i>SEIZE.</i></h4> - -<p class="blockquot">Stik and hang yung man, it iz the last six inches in a race that allwuss -wins the munny.</p> - -<hr class="sm" /> - -<p class="blockquot2">If yu want to find out just how mean, and dishonest, yu hav allwuss -been, git a nominashun, and run for sum offiss.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p class="bqb15"><br />Q.–What are oaths?<br /> - -A.–Sin in italicks.</p> - -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i11"><i>John read in a hand bill somewhare,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i12"><i>That salt water was shure to save him,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i11"><i>So he went forthwith to Long Branch,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i12"><i>And hired a man to bathe him.</i><br /></span> -</div></div> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 450px;"><br /> -<img src="images/i_228a.png" width="450" height="797" alt="almanac November 1876" /> -</div> - - -<hr class="chap" /> - - -<h3><i>THE KUNTRY HOSS JOCKEY.</i></h3> - - -<p class="bgft">For a red hot speciality, yu hav got to hunt kreashun cluss, to find an -equal, to the kuntry hoss jockey. He iz allwuss a man ov plezant -temperament, vain ov hiz opinyuns, often ov more fancy than judgement, -and quik to decide. He haz but little real affecksun for a hoss, and -only luvs him, for the cheat that iz in him. He iz allwuss reddy to -trade for enny thing, from a yerling kolt, to the kavalry hoss that Gen -Butler rode, at the battle ov Brandywine. He never knows when he gits -cheated, and ever thinks, that the last nag he got, iz the best one he -ever owned. He iz not bothered with too mutch conscience, and would az -soon lay out a travelling preacher in a swop, az hiz own father-in-law, -and do it without enny malice, but just for the honor ov the profeshun. -I dont kno whi it iz, that a man kan trade cows and be pious, or swop -oxen, and be a good deakon, or even negoshiate dogs, and be lookt upon -favourably, but when he goes into the hoss trading enterprize, if he -kant cheat, he haz mistaken hiz calling, and aint happy. The hoss jockey -iz sumtimes honest from policy, and the man who iz simply honest from -policy, needs az mutch watching az a hive ov bees do, who are just -gitting reddy to swarm.</p> - - -<h4><i>DISKOUNT.</i></h4> - -<p class="blockquot">If yu want to find out the utter weakness ov munny, just try to hire a -dubble tooth to stop akeing.</p> - -<hr class="sm" /> - -<p class="blockquot2">A boy will learn to sware well, in just haff the time it takes to learn -the 10 commands.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p class="bqb15"><br />Q.–What iz a fiddle?<br /> - -A.–A ticklish thing.</p> - -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i12"><i>John kept growing wusser and wuss,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i13"><i>Thinner, and thinner each day,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i12"><i>At last he waz nothing but mist,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i13"><i>And an East wind blu him away.</i><br /></span> -</div></div> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 450px;"><br /> -<img src="images/i_230a.png" width="450" height="786" alt="almanac December 1876" /> -</div> - - - -<hr class="chap" /> - - -<h3><i>PREVAILING SENTIMENTS OV THE PRESS.</i></h3> - -<p class="blockquot">Josh Billings still livs, and his Allminax for 1877 iz full ov joy for -the sad, and rest for the weary.</p> - -<p class="blockquotr"> -<i>Atlantik Monthly.</i><br /> -</p> - -<hr class="sm" /> - -<p class="blockquot">How natural, how happy, how concise, how forcible, it is, Josh Billings' -Allminax for 1877.</p> - -<p class="blockquotr"> -<i>Appleton's Journal.</i><br /> -</p> - -<hr class="sm" /> - -<p class="blockquot">Welcome, sweet morsel of delight, ever funny, and ever profound, Josh -Billings' Farmer's Allminax for the current year.</p> - -<p class="blockquotr"> -<i>Harpers' Bazzar.</i><br /> -</p> - -<hr class="sm" /> - -<p class="blockquot">Bully for you Josh, hit 'em agin, slay, and spare not, may you outlive -Methuseler, and not haul in your gang plank until Gabriel cries, "All a -board."</p> - -<p class="blockquotr"> -<i>Springfield Republican.</i><br /> -</p> - -<hr class="sm" /> - -<p class="blockquot">Aroma of lovelyness, perfume of joy, essence of tiltilation, breath of -beauty, seance of bliss, Josh Billings' Allminax for 1877.</p> - -<p class="blockquotr"> -<i>Lady's Book.</i><br /> -</p> - - -<hr class="chap" /> - -<p class="bqb11"><br />Q.–How iz yure mother-in-law?<br /> - -A.–Pretty well i thank yu, how iz yures?</p> - -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i11"><i>Hawk eyed, and spileing for a fight,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i12"><i>If enny one thinks they kan lick him,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i11"><i>Just let them put up the spondulicks,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i12"><i>And trot out the other game chicken.</i><br /></span> -</div></div> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 450px;"><br /> -<img src="images/i_232a.png" width="450" height="790" alt="almanac January 1877" /> -<br /><br /></div> - - -<h3><i>SUM ABRUPT LETTERS.</i></h3> - -<p><i>Dear Bob.</i>—The most disgusting kritter to me, in the whole ov the -United States ov Amerika, iz an overgrown boy, ov about fifteen summers, -who haz bekum the terror ov the whole family, and spends hiz spare time -hammering the cow, and stirring up the pig, and chickens. If the father, -or father-in-law, ov one ov these youths, will lend him to me, if i dont -civilize him, or kill him in ninety days, i will agree to forfit 50 -dollars, and the cloth for a new alpacka dress.</p> - -<p>P. S.—Send on the boy at once, at mi expense, i am just now out ov a -job.—J. B.</p> - -<hr class="sm" /> - -<p><i>Dear Steve.</i>—It iz hard work to be in luv and not akt phoolish, but -luv iz the only thing i kno ov that makes pholly excusable. Luv haz made -sum kind ov a phool ov every man it haz attacked since the days ov Adam, -and it made the biggest kind ov a phool ov him. Wisdum, and ambishun iz -no protekshun aginst the disseaze, for Soloman evaporated before it like -the dew before the morning sun, and even good old David wilted like the -hewn grass.</p> - -<hr class="sm" /> - -<p class="bgft"><i>Dear Hank.</i>—When yu strike ile pull out yure auger at onst, and begin -to barrell the ile, menny a man haz kept on untill he bored klean thru -and sum other phellow kaught the grease at the bottom.</p> - - -<h4><i>BULBS.</i></h4> - -<p class="blockquot">Ministers often point out to us, poor sinners, the strate, and narrow -gauge, az the only way to git to heaven, while they hav got a private -turnpike ov their own that 2.40 kan be made on.</p> - -<hr class="sm" /> - -<p class="blockquot2">Waiting to be whipt iz the most uninteresting period in boyhood life.</p> - - - -<hr class="chap" /> - -<p class="bqb10">Q.–What iz the smartest thing that a man kan do?<br /> - -A.–To drink pepper sass.</p> - -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i12"><i>An ugly lump is the Tarrier Bull,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i13"><i>For fighting allwuss reddy,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i12"><i>With Mike O'Rowke he travels,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i13"><i>And his name iz one eyed Teddy.</i><br /></span> -</div></div> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 450px;"><br /> -<img src="images/i_234a.png" width="450" height="777" alt="almanac February 1877" /> -<br /><br /></div> - - -<h3><i>THE ALLIGATOR.</i></h3> - -<p class="bgft">The alligator iz an original kritter, a chip of the old block, and az -ugly to kontemplate az a congo darkey. They are residents ov Florida, -and gro 12 feet, and nine inches and then halt. Their teeth are all -tushes, and their mouth iz az full ov them az a buzz saw iz. Their eys -are sot up, and down, in their hed like a chinamans, and they hav an -appetight equal to 18 distrikt skool masters. They are the krokerdiles -ov Amerika, and lay eggs az eazy az a hen duz, but dont kackle when they -cum oph from the nest. They are grate cowards but aint afrade ov yung -pork, or little darkeys, and kan eat all the time, or go without eating, -az long az a gold fish kan. The alligator waz made for sum usefull -purpose, but like the muskeeter, the bedbugg, and the kokroach, their -usefullness haz been karephully hid from us. Yu kan shoot a hundred -alligators a day on the St. Johns river, but you kant bag one, and thare -aint enny more game in them, than thare iz in a rotten log. They are -long lived, and liv, if mi memory serves me right, 4 thousand years, and -their grate strength lays in their tails. They hiss when they are angry -like a tea kittle, and want az mutch room to turn round in az a fore and -aft skooner.</p> - - -<h4><i>DEW DROPS</i></h4> - -<p class="blockquot">I hav known whiskey to make a man generous, but when he got sober agin, -he would git square with himself, bi being meaner than ever.</p> - -<hr class="sm" /> - -<p class="blockquot2">The man who iz rekless ov hiz life holds it at just about its market -value.</p> - - -<hr class="chap" /> - -<p class="bqb11">Q.–What are the 2 luxurys ov life?<br /> - -A.–Eazy boots, and a snug conshience.</p> - -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i9"><i>Darwin sez, we hail from the munky,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i10"><i>And Darwin knows all about this thing,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i9"><i>But while i respekt mi poor relashuns,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i10"><i>From whitch, pray tell me, did the munky spring.</i><br /></span> -</div></div> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 450px;"><br /> -<img src="images/i_236a.png" width="450" height="783" alt="almanac March 1877" /> -<br /><br /></div> - - -<h3><i>THE LOAFER.</i></h3> - -<p class="bgft">The loafer iz a thing who iz willing to be dispized for the privilege ov -abusing others. He occupys all grades in sosiety from the judge on the -bench clear down to the ragged kritter who leans aginst the lamp posts, -and fites flies in August. He haz no pride that iz worthy, and no -delikasy that enny boddy kan hurt. During his boyhood he kills kats, and -robs all the hens nests in the naborhood. During hiz middle life he begs -all the tobacco he uses, and drinks all the cheap whiskey he kan at -sumboddy else's expense. During hiz old age he winters in the alms -houses, and summers in the sugar hogsheds, and when he cums to die, he -iz buried in a dich, like an omnibuss horse, with hiz old shuze on. The -loafer cares nothing for publik opinyun, and this alone, will make enny -man a loafer. The loafer rather covets disgrase, and when a man gits az -low down az this, he haz got az low down az he kan git in this world -without digging. We hav no reliable ackount ov the fust loafer, and -probably shant hav ov the last one, but in mi opinyun, they hav existed -just about az long az man haz. If Cain want a loafer, pray what waz he?</p> - - -<h4><i>TIT BITS.</i></h4> - -<p class="blockquot">Woman hav allwuss been more than a match for man, Adam held the best -kards, but he didn't kno how to play them well.</p> - -<hr class="sm" /> - -<p class="blockquot2">Thare iz one trait ov the human karakter that the devil himself must -envy, and that iz, the more we hav injured a man, the more we dispize -him.</p> - - -<hr class="chap" /> - -<p class="bqb14">Q.–Who fust struk ile?<br /> - -A.–Jonah</p> - -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i11"><i>Long, lank, lean, and lemon colored,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i12"><i>An orphan, without friends, or place,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i11"><i>A target for every ones brik bat,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i12"><i>The yaller dog runs a dusty race.</i><br /></span> -</div></div> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 450px;"><br /> -<img src="images/i_238a.png" width="450" height="798" alt="almanac April 1877" /> -</div> - - -<h3><i>ARTIKLES OV FAITH.</i></h3> - -<p class="blockquot">Heaven bless the stummuk ake, if it want for this, menny ov us deakons -wouldn't hav no good excuse for hot rum.</p> - -<hr class="sm" /> - -<p class="blockquot">The saddest ov all sights sad in this world, iz a child with a broken -spirit.</p> - -<hr class="sm" /> - -<p class="blockquot">Man kant make cirkumstanses, but he kan take them bi the horns, insted -ov the tale.</p> - -<hr class="sm" /> - -<p class="blockquot">Dont parade yure sorrows before the world, but bury them az the dogs do -their old bones, and then growl if enny boddy offers to dig them up.</p> - -<hr class="sm" /> - -<p class="blockquot">Klubs are a place whare most people go to git rid ov themselfs.</p> - -<hr class="sm" /> - -<p class="blockquot">A trained child to me iz a kind ov horror, i like to see them rekless -with innosense.</p> - -<hr class="sm" /> - -<p class="blockquot2">The boy who iz pikt out to be the genius ov the family is allwuss sure -to be the biggest dohed in the whole lot.</p> - - -<hr class="chap" /> - - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;"> -<img src="images/i_240a.png" width="400" height="351" alt="man speaking into speaking tube" /> -</div> - -<p class="blockquot">The only way to tire a phool out, iz to listen to him, and agree to -every thing he sez =</p> - -<p class="blockquotr">Affekshionately Josh Billings</p> - - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;"><br /><br /> -<img src="images/i_241a.png" width="400" height="396" alt="man with exploding gun" /> -</div> - -<p class="blockquot">I hav seen men load a dubble barrell gun klear up to the muzzell, to -kill a chipping bird with, and git knokt hed over heels, when. the gun -went off.—and miss the bird besides.=</p> - -<p class="blockquotr">A literal fakt, Josh Billings<br /><br /></p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p class="bqb11"><br />Q.–What kind ov a pen do plagarists use?<br /> - -A.–A steal pen.</p> - -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i11"><i>Thou mewel!—thou art mi horror,—</i><br /></span> -<span class="i12"><i>Desaitfull, and dang'rous kritter,—</i><br /></span> -<span class="i11"><i>Az humbly az satan himself,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i12"><i>And besides a pizon hitter.</i><br /></span> -</div></div> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 450px;"><br /> -<img src="images/i_242a.png" width="450" height="786" alt="almanac May 1877" /> -<br /><br /></div> - - -<hr class="chap" /> - - -<h3><i>SHORT REPLYS.</i></h3> - -<p><i>Dear Luke.</i>—I kant bear to see enny man strike a dog, i kno dogs are -full ov fleas, but i kno they are full ov affeckshun too. I am very sad -when i think that affeckshun iz no protekshun to man, nor kritter in -this kold, and ironklad world. It would seem that a lamb ought to git -along thru life more fluently than a hornet duz, but they duzzent, and i -also notiss that the most suckcessful hornets are thoze who are bilt -with a stinger on both ends ov them. I love the lambs, but respekt the -hornets.</p> - -<hr class="sm" /> - -<p class="bgft"><i>Dear Mose.</i>—All the humorist that i am acquainted with are sad, and -sober kusses. I never knu a fust rate humorist who waz a good laffer, -they are willing to make other people laff, but prefer themselfs to -stand by and look on. If Mark Twain should be kaught laffing, hiz -friends would immejately put him to bed and send for hiz family -physician. Nasby, the grate politikal satirist, waz never known to smile -but once, and then he, and Pogram, were in the bak end ov the grosery at -the crossroads, but the cauze ov hiz mirth iz a profound sekret to this -day. The best laffers i hav ever knu, whare thoze who lafft at their own -jokes.</p> - - -<h4><i>SPLINTERS.</i></h4> - -<p class="blockquot">If yu are determined to bet enny how, bet yure bottom dollar the fust -time, and then go into sum more respektable bizzness.</p> - -<hr class="sm" /> - -<p class="blockquot2">Thare are no weeds in this world that wilt so quick, az the weeds ov the -widower.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p class="bqb8"><br />Q.–What iz yure favourite name for a Boy?<br /> - -A.–George Washington, Lafayette, Napoleon, Ulyssess Grant.</p> - -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i9"><i>The poodle iz a frowzy bird,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i10"><i>A hiding place for fleas, and varmin,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i9"><i>Wimmin lug them round for pets,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i10"><i>And call them</i> "luv," <i>and</i> "duv," <i>and</i> "charming."<br /></span> -</div></div> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 450px;"><br /> -<img src="images/i_244a.png" width="450" height="779" alt="almanac June 1877" /> -</div> - - -<hr class="chap" /> - - -<h3><br /><i>THE SPIDER.</i></h3> - -<p class="bgft">One ov the most ingenious, and hardest workers amung the whole lot ov -little bugs in kreashun iz the common spider. They will do more work on -a web, in six hours, than a man could do in his whole life time, and do -a mutch better job into the bargin. Spiders are the meanest reptiles -that hang around the footstool, for they are the only ones that i kan -think ov now, that set traps for their viktims. They are az mean az a -man in this respekt. Thare iz no fun in a spider, he iz az lonesum az a -mizer, he spends hiz whole life making webs, and watching them, and -allways lays at the mouth ov hiz hole, reddy to back in out ov danger. A -man will go out ov hiz way rather than step on a kricket, and would -rather skare a fly than kill him, az sazzy az he iz, but he goes for a -spider with both feet, and seems to feel melankolly if he happens to -miss him. Spiders hav no friends in this world, and the reazon must be -bekauze their naturs are viscious, and cunning. Theze two traits will -make even man an outlaw, and they akt just the same way on the spider. I -dispize the spider, and aint afraid to tell him so.</p> - - -<h4><i>DREGS.</i></h4> - -<p class="blockquot">Every man thinks he iz the principal bull frog in the puddle, and rather -than argy the case, i am willing to think so too.</p> - -<hr class="sm" /> - -<p class="blockquot2">Mizery luvs company but iz allwuss jealous,—there never waz a man yet -but what thought hiz lame back was a good deal lamer than hiz nabors.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p class="bqb13"><br />Q.–What iz a mint julep?<br /> - -A.–A refuge for cheap whiskey.</p> - -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i11"><i>Full of cunning, and low deceit,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i12"><i>With stolen cream, and chickens fat,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i11"><i>Sweetly in dreams he lays at yure feet,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i12"><i>Judas Iskariott, in shape ov a kat.</i><br /></span> -</div></div> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 450px;"><br /> -<img src="images/i_246a.png" width="450" height="792" alt="almanac July 1877" /> -</div> - - -<hr class="chap" /> - - -<h3><i>THE MILKSOP.</i></h3> - -<p class="bgft">The milksop iz a human being who has not the stamina ov a man, nor the -weakness ov a woman. He iz a hibrid ov the nuter gender, without -karakter enuff to make him respekted, or dispized. These kind ov pholks -are innosent enuff if they are well watched, but they need az mutch -watching az a blind baby duz. They occupy quarters about haff way -between a phool, and an ideot. If milksops would only keep still but few -would suspekt them, but how strange it iz, that the thinner a man iz, -the more anxious he iz to get into a strong light.</p> - - -<h3><i>THE MIZER.</i></h3> - -<p class="bgft">The mizer digs hiz heart out hollow to stow away hiz munny in. He -akumulates bi littles, and never opens hiz harte, only on a krak, to let -another shilling in. An old mizer iz a sad sight enuff, but next to an -ideot, a yung mizer iz the most revolting thing on earth. Mizers enjoy -what they dont use, looze what they save, and die possessed ov the only -treasure that iz ov no use to them. The most terrible sarkasm iz a -mizers phuneral, the heir often makes it gorgeous, and expensiv, and -then pitches hedlong into the pile the old phool haz left.</p> - - -<h4><i>CHALK MARKS.</i></h4> - -<p class="blockquot">Advice iz generally like the bred and cheese we giv to beggars, thrown -over into the fust vacant lot they cum to.</p> - -<hr class="sm" /> - -<p class="blockquot2">Bigots, enthusiasts, and clothes pins, all hav the same sized heds on -them.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p class="bqb14"><br />Q.–Pleze to define buty?<br /> - -A.–Buty iz a blank catridge.</p> - -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i11"><i>Short haired, and nervous az a ghost,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i12"><i>Answering to</i> "Bill," <i>or</i> "Ned" <i>or</i> "Fan,"<br /></span> -<span class="i11"><i>Death on rats, and sirloin steak,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i12"><i>Behold the sparkling, Black and Tan.</i><br /></span> -</div></div> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 450px;"><br /> -<img src="images/i_248a.png" width="450" height="799" alt="almanac August 1877" /> -</div> - - -<hr class="chap" /> - - -<h3><br /><i>LAZYNESS.</i></h3> - -<p class="bgft">Lazyness seems to be az natral az onions, and just about az helthy too. -The lame, and the lazy, hav allwuss been provided for, sumboddy haz -allwuss waited on them, and sumboddy allwuss will. I dont luv lazy -pholks, i dont even respekt them, but i kant help but admire the way -they eat. I never knu a lazy man that didn't hav a good appetight and a -square digestion. Lazyness iz the fust law ov natur, and for that reazon -is entitled to sum respekt. Lazy folks are allwuss good natured, i hav -seen them so docile that they wouldn't fite flies. Lazyness iz often -mistaken for shifflessness, but thare iz az much diffrence az thare iz -between a hornet, and a fly. I had rather watch two raskalls than one -shiftless kuss. Thare are sum things that will hurry lazyness, but death -is the only sure kure for shifflessnes.</p> - - -<h3><i>LAFFTER.</i></h3> - -<p class="bgft">Laffter iz the joy ov the soul comeing to the surface to hav a good -time. The mule kant laff, and the devil wont. Laffing iz az natral az -the meazles, and allmost as ketching, but the man who will laff when he -dont feel like it, iz a grate koward to say the least, and may be a -grate villain. Next to logick, to prove things, cums laffing, and the -hardest man for ennyboddy, or enny thing, to beat, iz he who laffs at -every thing.</p> - - -<h4><i>GIMBLETS.</i></h4> - -<p class="blockquot">I hav figgered onto it, and find that civilizashun kosts about 90 cents -on the dollar.</p> - -<hr class="sm" /> - -<p class="blockquot2">One quarrellsum dog will demoralize all the curs in hiz naborhood.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p class="bqb13"><br />Q.–Who iz the best lawyer?<br /> - -A.–He who duz the least bizzness.</p> - -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i11"><i>What he kant steal must be tied down,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i12"><i>Ever reddy to caw, and to go,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i11"><i>Thare's nothing so full ov the devil,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i12"><i>Az the life, and labors, ov a tame krow.</i><br /></span> -</div></div> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 450px;"><br /> -<img src="images/i_250a.png" width="450" height="793" alt="almanac September 1877" /> -</div> - - -<hr class="chap" /> - - -<h3><i>THE DUK.</i></h3> - - -<p class="bgft">The duk iz a foul, naturalists say so, and common sense teaches it. Wild -duks are very good shooting, and very good missing too, unless you -understand the bizzness. I hav shot at them all day, and got nothing but -a few tale feathers, but that satisfied me, for i am crazy for all kinds -ov sport, you know. Thare are sum kind ov duks that are very hard to git -even if you do kill them. I shot one whole afternoon, three years ago, -at sum dekoy duks, and never got one ov them. I never hav told even mi -wife ov this, and hope no one will repeat it.</p> - - -<h3><i>THE SANDY HILL CRANE.</i></h3> - -<p class="bgft">The crane iz neither flesh, nor foul, but a sad mixtur ov theze two -things. He mopes along the banks ov kreeks, and wet places, looking for -sumthing he haz lost. He haz a long bill, long wings, long legs, and iz -long all over. He livs upon lizzards, and frogs, and sleeps standing on -one leg, like a gide board. Sumtimes he tips over in hiz dreams, and -then hiz bill enters the ground like a pikax. When he flies thru the air -he iz az gracephull az a wind mill that haz broke away from its -fastenings. Cranes are not very plenty on this earth, but at the last -quotations, the supply just about equals the demand.</p> - - -<h4><i>BLOSSOMS.</i></h4> - -<p class="blockquot">The reputashun that a man gits from hiz ansesstors often wants az mutch -altering to fit him, az their old clothes would.</p> - -<hr class="sm" /> - -<p class="blockquot">How menny people thare are in this world who work for the devil all the -time, and then look to the lord for their pay.</p> - - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;"><br /> -<img src="images/i_252a.png" width="400" height="407" alt="man washing windows with poodle" /> -</div> - -<p class="blockquot">I dont never expekt to hav enny Poodle, but if i ever do, he must make -up hiz mind to be tied onto a long stik every Saturday and be used for -washing windows on the outside=</p> - -<p class="blockquotr">Jess so. Josh Billings.</p> - - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;"><br /> -<img src="images/i_253a.png" width="400" height="372" alt="man drinking water from street pump" /> -</div> - -<p class="blockquot">If i kan hav all the salt makrell i want for brekfasst, I kan manage to -make the other two meals out ov kold water.=</p> - -<p class="blockquotr">Yes. Josh Billings.<br /><br /></p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p class="bqb14"><br />Q.–Will yu define luck?<br /> - -A.–Luck iz driftwood.</p> - -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i11"><i>This Nu Foundland weighs 94 pounds,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i12"><i>And to save children iz willing,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i11"><i>If yu haint no pond, nor children to save,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i12"><i>The dog aint worth a shilling.</i><br /></span> -</div></div> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 450px;"><br /> -<img src="images/i_254a.png" width="450" height="802" alt="almanac October 1877" /> -</div> - - -<hr class="chap" /> - - -<h3><i>AN EPISTOL.</i></h3> - -<p class="pb2"><i>Dear Snyder.</i>—Yu tell me that yu hav got the blues, and want to kno -how to git shut of them. The following resipees will heal yu in 90 days -if yu stik to them klussly. To wit, marry sum delikate only dauter of 22 -summers (more or less) and take yure mother in law home with yu to -board, this will oil the pores of the sistem, and the blues will eskape -like steam out of the noze of a tea kittle. Once more, hire out to keep -a distrikt skool for 9 dollars per month, and hash around the naborhood, -or take a 3 year old kiking heifer to brake to milk, this will open yure -swareing valves, and so hurry the blood, that the blues will leave yu in -disgust, and fasten their fangs on to sum other phellow. Againly, go -down into sum marsh in the kingdum ov Nu Jersey fishing for frogs in the -month ov August, and fish with one hand, and slap muskeeters with the -other, and the blues will take the hint and vacate yure natur like a -shooting-star. Try either ov the abuv alteratives, dear Snyder, and if -they dont work, go into the bak yard of sum Irish woman and kut her -clothes line when it iz filled with the weeks washing, and if yu dont -git the blues taken out ov yu, and a good deal else besides, yu are a -morbid kuss and wont pay for experimenting on.</p> - - -<h4><br /><i>BUBBLES.</i></h4> - -<p class="blockquot">Hero's are skarse, but the man who kan make poverty respektable, is one -ov them.</p> - -<hr class="sm" /> - -<p class="blockquot2">If yu would eskape envy, abuse, and taxes, yu must liv in a deep well, -and only cum out in the nite time.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p class="bqb11"><br />Q.–Who iz the dearest old aunt?<br /> - -A.–The one whoze bank account iz all right.</p> - -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i13"><i>The Rackcoon haz a striped tail,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i14"><i>And steals green korn amazing,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i13"><i>Hiz hide iz worth 6 bits perhaps,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i14"><i>But coons wont pay for raizing.</i><br /></span> -</div></div> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 450px;"><br /><br /> -<img src="images/i_256a.png" width="450" height="793" alt="almanac November 1877" /> -</div> - - -<hr class="chap" /> - - -<h3><br /><i>THE OWL.</i></h3> - -<p class="bgft">The owl iz a grizzly grey package, and haz a grate round face az sober, -and intelligent az a cheshire cheese. They kant see bi dalite, but can -see by starlite to pik up a pin. They hunt for a living, and are very -smart, and sudden, on a field mouse, or a meddo mole. The most -wonderphull thing about an owl iz the sollum importanse ov the whole -kritter, az he sits on hiz perch, looking over kreashun, just az tho he -owned the whole ov it. Next to a newly elekted Justiss ov the Peace, -seated on hiz throne, with a poor devil before him charged with the -emoshional krime ov stealing a string ov onions, the owl haz more rare, -and unfathomable wisdum in hiz face than enny thing on earth. I hav -looked at them for haff an hour stiddy, in a shop window, to see if they -winkt, untill i waz ashamed ov mi impudense, but theze owls, i found out -afterwards, waz stuffed. I would thank enny one to tell me if an owl -ever duz wink, and if so, how often. Owls liv to a good old age, but are -not good for diet, they are one ov the fu things we kno ov, that the -more yu bile them, the tuffer they gro. Biled owl iz the most -ungratefull vittles that enny man ever sot in front ov. I never et enny -biled owl but once, and that waz 40 years ago, and i kan taste it now, -every time i think ov it.</p> - - -<h4><i>REMNANTS.</i></h4> - -<p class="blockquot">I kno ov people so fond ov contradickshun that it wouldn't surprize me -to hear them disputing with a guide board, at the forks ov sum kuntry -road, about the distance to the next town.</p> - -<hr class="sm" /> - -<p class="blockquot2">Falling in luv iz like falling down stairs, we never kan tell exackly -how the thing waz did.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p class="bqb13"><br />Q.–Who iz the biggest hipokrit?<br /> - -A.–He who calls vice plezzure.</p> - -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i11"><i>Az lean in flesh az a grid iron,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i12"><i>Sollum he sits, the old Fox hound,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i11"><i>Hiz ears hang down like wet rags,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i12"><i>And hiz keen noze studdys the ground.</i><br /></span> -</div></div> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 450px;"><br /> -<img src="images/i_258a.png" width="450" height="788" alt="almanac December 1877" /> -</div> - - -<hr class="chap" /> - - -<h3><i>TRIALS AND PERSEKUSHUNS OV AN AUTHOR.</i></h3> - -<p class="blockquot">Josh Billings' "<i>Farmer's Allminax</i>" for the year 1878 is now on our -desk, and why will the friends of this man allow him to disgrace -himself, and humanity too, by spreading such nonsense broadcast through -the land?</p> - -<p class="blockquotr"> -<i>St. Louis Advance.</i> -</p> - -<hr class="sm" /> - -<p class="blockquot">Vile trash! when are we to be released from this annual overflow, this -ideotick Allminac? Kind heaven, tell us when.</p> - -<p class="blockquotr"> -<i>Milwaukee Daily Bread.</i> -</p> - -<hr class="sm" /> - -<p class="blockquot">Over Ninety Thousand of Josh Billings' "<i>Farmer's Allminax</i>" are sold -each year. How long iz this to continue? Will not the publick arise in -their insulted dignity, and drive this pest from the world?</p> - -<p class="blockquotr"> -<i>Boston Pilgrim.</i> -</p> - -<hr class="sm" /> - -<p class="blockquot">Shoot him! shoot the "<i>Allminax</i>" maker.</p> - -<p class="blockquotr"> -<i>Arkansas Bowie Knife.</i> -</p> - -<hr class="sm" /> - -<p class="blockquot">Alass! alass! is there no eskape, is thare no place in the wide world -that we can fly to, and be free from this sickening visit—this yearly -avalanche? A curse on "Josh Billings' Farmer's Allminax."</p> - -<p class="blockquotr"> -<i>Chicago Budget.</i> -</p> - - -<hr class="chap" /> - -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i14"><i>The yung</i> Trotter <i>at first,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i15"><i>Az he stands bi hiz dam,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i14"><i>Is all legs like a shanghi,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i15"><i>And az meek az a lam.</i><br /></span> -</div></div> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 450px;"><br /> -<img src="images/i_260a.png" width="450" height="791" alt="almanac January 1878" /> -</div> - - -<h3><br /><i>THE CUCKOO, AND THE JACKDAW.</i></h3> - -<p class="bgft">The cuckoo iz about the size ov four small robins, and iz one ov the -fust birds to tell us that spring haz fairly cum. This iz kind in the -cuckoo, and they ought to hav a vote ov thanks, and a gold medal -besides. Their song iz a good deal like the song ov a tin whissell, all -in one key, but enny kind ov a song, from enny living kreature, iz -acceptable. These birds hav one spot in their naturs entirely diffrent -from enny animate thing I kno ov, they dont seem to possess the least -particle ov affeckshun for their little cuckoos. They never bild enny -nests, but lay their eggs in other birds nests, and let them do the -hatching. This would be called smart in a man, but seems to me, iz darn -mean in a bird. I wonder whare they lernt this trick.</p> - - -<h3><br /><i>THE JACKDAW.</i></h3> - -<p class="bgft">The jackdaw, like the raven, iz born ov blak parents, and iz about one -quarter the size ov the common krow. Their food seems to konsist ov enny -thing, and their appetights are az klamarous az a distrikt skool just -let out to play, at lunch time. They lay two eggs, and both eggs would -probberly hatch out if they waz solid, for the Jackdaw iz bound to liv, -and prosper. They luv man, and his ways, and are allwuss found az kluss -to him az they kan git.</p> - - -<h4><br /><i>CHIPS.</i></h4> - -<p class="blockquot">The best relief for the rumatiz, that haz been diskovered yet, iz to -find sum phellow who haz got the gout bad, and then pitty him.</p> - -<hr class="sm" /> - -<p class="blockquot2">About the time a man haz got old enuff to travel a good gait on hiz -experience, death taps him on the shoulder, and wants him just around -the corner.</p> - - -<hr class="chap" /> - -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i14"><i>But he grows like a weed,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i15"><i>'Till he iz four years old,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i14"><i>He iz hi headed, and rangey,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i15"><i>Flat-footed, and bold.</i><br /></span> -</div></div> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 450px;"><br /> -<img src="images/i_262a.png" width="450" height="789" alt="almanac February 1878" /> -</div> - - -<h3><br /><i>K.</i></h3> - -<p class="blockquot"><i>Kontentment</i> iz not one ov mi strong holts, i never am kontented unless -i am fast asleep. If i could hav mi choice, to be thoroly kontented with -things az i find them in this world, or be a Rockaway klam, i would be -the klam.</p> - - -<h3><i>L.</i></h3> - -<p class="blockquot"><i>Luv</i> iz a game for young folks to pla at, but when a man gits az old, -and az homely az i am, and takes a hand at it, he iz sure to git ukered. -If ten waz the game, Cupid could giv an old phellow seven points, and -then beat him badly.</p> - - -<h3><i>M.</i></h3> - -<p class="blockquot"><i>Milk Puntch</i> iz a fluid that i do luv extrornary well, and aint ashamed -to oun it. But whether it iz the milk in it, or the puntch in it, that -suits me so well, i aint obliged to tell. Human natur iz weak yu kno, -and needs a little puntching up, in a hot day.</p> - - -<h3><i>N.</i></h3> - -<p class="blockquot"><i>Nonsense</i> iz one ov mi prinsipal weaknesses, i luv it in any shape, but -az quails on toast improve the quails, and dont hurt the toast, so i -prefer to hav mi nonsense bilt on sense. Good nonsense iz one ov the -rarest artikles in the literary bazaar, and allwuss commands admirashun, -and fetches a good price.</p> - - -<h4><i>SQUIBS.</i></h4> - -<p class="blockquot">Human beings are natral slovens, yu hav got to hold a yung one tight to -wash hiz face the fust time, and to comb hiz hair, yu hav acktually got -to run him down.</p> - -<hr class="sm" /> - -<p class="blockquot2">The man who haint never bin cheated, dont kno so mutch az he will sum -day before long perhaps.</p> - - -<hr class="chap" /> - -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i13"><i>Then he iz harnesst, and broke,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i14"><i>A hard task indeed,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i13"><i>And, handled quite gently,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i14"><i>To draw out his speed.</i><br /></span> -</div></div> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 450px;"><br /> -<img src="images/i_264a.png" width="450" height="797" alt="almanac March 1878" /> -</div> - - -<h3><br /><i>THE CENTAUR.</i></h3> - -<p class="bgft">The centaur iz not an Amerikan, but blooms in the land far away to the -eastward, whare the muskeeto iz unknown, and whare the pensiv kokroach -putteth in no appearance. He is haff horse, and haff sum other phellow, -and hunts for fun, and sumthing to eat. He haz got a hed on him like -Demostheneze ov old, and wears hiz hair short in front, but flooded down -on hiz nek, and over hiz shoulders, like a growth ov yung hop vines, in -a hot house. Hiz instrument iz a bo, and arro, and he kan assassinate -the stupendous elephant 440 yards distant, or pik a single feather off -from the top ov a humming birds hed on the fly The centaur allwuss hunts -on horsebak, and leads a free and cheap life. When in the ackt ov -shooting the vast elephant, or the remorseless tiger, hiz hed iz thrown -finely bak, hiz eye gleams like a lost jewell, hiz hair quivers like an -aspen leaf, courage smiles in hiz face, hiz breast grows wider, and the -muscles in hiz arm hang down like hornets' nests, hiz tale whips the -air, and hiz hooffs ov steel ring on the turf. I hav et plain hash -untill i am tired ov it, and would like no better phun than to mount a -centaur, without enny bridle on him, and with a mermaid in front ov me, -and a ghost behind, take a free, and rekless ride, a ride ov genius, to -the ends ov the earth. But I suppoze I should git sik ov this, in a day, -or two, and want to ride sumthing else.</p> - - -<h4><i>IMPS.</i></h4> - -<p class="blockquot">Poverty haz been called safe, but poverty even, haz got to lock up its -mouldy bread, and cheeze, or loze it.</p> - -<hr class="sm" /> - -<p class="blockquot2">Honesty iz the rarerest welth enny one kan possess, and yet all the -honesty in the world, aint lawful tender for a loaf ov bread.</p> - - -<hr class="chap" /> - -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i14"><i>When he reaches six years,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i15"><i>He iz called a full horse,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i14"><i>And iz thought fit to trot,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i15"><i>For a puss on the course.</i><br /></span> -</div></div> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 450px;"><br /> -<img src="images/i_266a.png" width="450" height="780" alt="almanac April 1878" /> -</div> - - -<h3><br /><i>THE AUCKSHIONEER.</i></h3> - -<p class="bgft">The auckshioneer iz an unfortunate individual who duz other peoples -lieing for 10 dollars a day, and boards himself. He haz got az mutch jaw -az a wolf trap, and as mutch cheeck az a 10 year old mule. He takes up -the profeshun quite often on the same principle that a horse doktor duz -hiz, not bekause he iz fit for the bizzness, but just to hav one in the -naborhood. His gratest pride iz to mingle what he calls humor with hiz -talk when he iz on the block, but hiz jokes are gennerally az level az a -kold slapjax. He iz at the hight ov hiz ambishun when he haz worried a -laff out ov the bistanders, and uses the same rhetorick, and similees, -when he sells out a line ov bank securitys, that he duz, when he closes -out an old one-eyed pelter, under a chattell mortgage, in frunt ov the -kourt house. A kuntry auckshioneer, and a kuntry horse jockey, are two -wonderphull cusses, in the rural deestrikts. I hav been an auckshioneer -and kno what i am talking about.</p> - - -<h3><i>THE OLD MAID.</i></h3> - -<p class="bgft">The old maid iz the last gooseberry left on the bush, ded ripe, and -reddy to fall off at the fust good shake. She iz sumtimes a leetle hard -to suit, but iz quite often the most charming relick in the naborhood. -Next to mothers in law, old maids hav been abuzed more than enny thing -human, but they all ov them hav a warm spot in their hearts, that enny -decent person iz welkum to krawl into, and sun themselfs.</p> - - -<h4><i>BLISTERS.</i></h4> - -<p class="blockquot">Too mutch attenshun to little things spiles a man for bigger ones, I kno -a fellow who kan make a fust rate whissell out ov a pigs tail, and this -iz all he kan do.</p> - -<hr class="sm" /> - -<p class="blockquot">Wit, in a woman, kan never replace the want ov buty.</p> - - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;"> -<img src="images/i_268a.png" width="400" height="408" alt="young man embracing two girls" /> -</div> - -<p class="blockquot">About the hardest thing a fellow kan do, iz to spark 2 -girls at one time, and preserve a good average =</p> - -<p class="blockquot">Try it. Josh Billings</p> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;"> -<img src="images/i_269a.png" width="400" height="483" alt="man driving a gig" /> -</div> - -<p class="blockquot">I dont insist upon pedigree for a man, or horse—if a horse kan trot -fasst. and honest, the pedigree iz all right, if he kant, i wouldn't giv -a shilling a yard for hiz pedigree.= so, Josh Billings</p> - - -<hr class="chap" /> - -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i14"><i>Five years ov fasst work,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i15"><i>He iz bunged up, and done,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i14"><i>Knee sprung, and spavined,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i15"><i>Hiz spirit iz gone.</i><br /></span> -</div></div> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 450px;"><br /> -<img src="images/i_270a.png" width="450" height="790" alt="almanac May 1878" /> -</div> - - -<h3><br /><i>INDISKRIMINATE HINTS.</i></h3> - -<p class="bgft">I receaved a circular yesterday inviting me to buy a ticket in a gift -distrubiting skeme, i didn't invest, i hav often bought into theze -magnificent chances, and all that i hav ever drawed yet, waz the wool -over mi eyes. A cow that will leak 18 quarts of milk per diem iz a good -one, but one that will flow 30, iz better. This may look like an -assershun ov mine, but the more yu look into it, the more milk yu will -diskover. Thare aint but fu cows that will giv 30 quarts ov milk a day -unless yu irrigate it well. I kant say if it will pay yu to keep a cow, -or not, yu kan buy a "<i>Readdy Reckoner</i>," at enny ov the book stores, -for 75 cents, and they tell all about theze things. If i waz called upon -to advise a Mother in law, i should tell her never to suggest enny thing -in the family at all, if she sees the babys stockings agin the stove, -burning up, let them burn, if she sees the kat stealing kream, off from -the top ov the milk kans, let her steal, if thare iz enny thing lost, -and the whole household are hunting for it, and she knows right whare it -iz, keep mum, and let them hunt. I kant tell whitch iz the best breed ov -lap dogs, all i kno about the diffrent breeds iz that the whole lot are -a kussid shame, and noosance. Rats are very growthy, so growthy, that yu -dont need but one good helthy rat to commence operations with, and in -three years, yu will hav rats to spare.</p> - - -<h4><i>WAIFS.</i></h4> - -<p class="blockquot">Next to going barefoot, for solid cumfort, cums an old shoe.</p> - -<hr class="sm" /> - -<p class="blockquot2">I beleave in ghosts,—only a little,—just ennff to keep up an -assortment.</p> - - -<hr class="chap" /> - -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i15"><i>Now to a street kar,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i16"><i>Staggering he goes,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i15"><i>Receiving for pay,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i16"><i>Only curses and blows.</i><br /></span> -</div></div> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 450px;"><br /> -<img src="images/i_272a.png" width="450" height="784" alt="almanac June 1878" /> -</div> - - -<h3><br /><i>TWO LETTERS.</i></h3> - -<p><i>Dear Laubenhimer.</i>—I dont know who writ "<i>Babes in the Woods</i>," but -who ever did, hit natur. I hav forgot now the diagnosis ov the book, all -i kan remember iz, i red it when i waz a boy, and i bought one 25 years -after that for mi son, and only last week, bought another for mi -grandson, and when he grows up to be a man, and iz wed, and haz results, -he will buy it for hiz children. Robinson Kruso, Jak the Giant Killer, -and babes in the woods, will wear az long az allminaxes will. I dont kno -az thare iz a partikle ov bible truth in them, but they are so -wonderphull, that if they didn't never cum to pass, it seems az tho they -ought to.</p> - -<hr class="sm" /> - -<p><i>Dear Onderdonk.</i>—Thare iz only one way to brake a kiking heifer, and -that iz, to stop her growth bi deth. When a heifer gits to kiking, the -smartest mishionary in the world kant console her, she will kik over her -own mother, just az liberally az she will a perfekt stranger.</p> - -<p class="bgft">They will allways manage to stand middling still untill yu git the pail -just about full, and then for fear they wont hit it, they will kik with -both feet to oust, and squeal into the bargain. After they hav kikt the -milk over, they are perfektly resighned, and will stand and chew their -kud, and let yu milk them for two hours if yu want to.</p> - - -<h4><i>BUOYS.</i></h4> - -<p class="blockquot">The fust man that waz murdered in this world waz the only pure one -living at that time.</p> - -<hr class="sm" /> - -<p class="blockquot2">I like to see all things true to natur, even a hornet that kant sting, -is a melankolly failure.</p> - - -<hr class="chap" /> - -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i14"><i>Next to a kart,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i15"><i>He plods, and he moans,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i14"><i>A skeleton phantom,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i15"><i>A mere rak ov bones.</i><br /></span> -</div></div> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 450px;"><br /> -<img src="images/i_274a.png" width="450" height="781" alt="almanac July 1878" /> -</div> - - -<h3><br /><i>THE RHINOSSEROSS AND THE VIOLET.</i></h3> - -<p>The rhinosseross iz strikly a forrin invenshun, and i am glad ov it. -They are a one horned experiment, and that horn grows on the tip ov -their nose. If they are haff az unhappy az they look, they are the most -mizerable kritters ever invented. Their great value is in their -skarsity, if they waz az plenty az organ grinders, they wouldn't be enny -more of a luxury. If i waz offered mi choice between a rhinosseross, and -an anakondy, i should figger on them cluss, for a fortnight, and then -refuse to take either.</p> - - -<h4><i>THE VIOLET.</i></h4> - -<p class="bgft">Little blu eyed innocent, i saw yu one year ago, this very day, in this -same cold, and sunless spot, (perhaps it mite hav been yure sister) far -away from human eyes, or human footsteps. It waz winter then, so it iz -now, but they call it spring. Yu are too gentle for this cheerless -place, do the fairys visit yu, and whisper words ov luv and hope. Yu -need'nt hang yure hed and tremble, i wont hurt yu, gladly would i swop -places with yu, neglected az yu are, yu kant be lost, i may be. Stay -right whare yu are little innosent, the fust luv sik maiden i kum -akrost, i will send to keep yu company, she will hav a lot ov silly, and -soft things, to tell yu.</p> - - -<h4><i>UNDERGROWTH.</i></h4> - -<p class="blockquot">A "<i>Stool Pigeon</i>" iz one, who iz willing to be az wicked az he knows -how, but who haz to be taught all the iniquity, ov enny consequence, -that he possesses.</p> - -<hr class="sm" /> - -<p class="blockquot2">Men who hav the most real power, sho it the least, while thare aint a -more terrible engine ov the law, than a fresh elekted constable.</p> - - -<hr class="chap" /> - -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i14"><i>When he kant pull a pound,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i15"><i>And won't even try,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i14"><i>He iz dropt bi his owner,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i15"><i>And turned out to die.</i><br /></span> -</div></div> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 450px;"><br /> -<img src="images/i_276a.png" width="450" height="787" alt="almanac August 1878" /> -</div> - - -<h3><br /><i>THE BACHELOR.</i></h3> - -<p class="bgft">The old bachelor iz born in the maskuline way, but often changes hiz -base, to the nuter gender. He thinks he haz got a good lone hand, but in -playing it, allmost allways gits ukered. Sumtimes, late in life, he -makes up hiz mind to git marrid, and then, allmost invariably, thare are -two partys, who are disapointed.</p> - - -<h3><i>THE QUACK.</i></h3> - -<p class="bgft">The quack knows he iz a ded beat, but he allso knows that mankind luv to -be cheated. He allwuss haz sum speshiallity, and the more difikult iz -the disseaze, the more brazen iz he, in hiz offers to kure it. He preys -upon the unfortunate, and it would be az unprofitable to prove -malpraktiss aginst him, az it would bigamy, aginst a wharf rat.</p> - - -<h3><i>THE DEAKON.</i></h3> - -<p class="bgft">The deakon iz the fust lutenant in a meeting house. He iz a good -christian man, but hiz kreed iz too often az mutch bother to him, az a -yoke iz to a goose. He iz az full ov bizzness, and proviso's az a -wimmins rites convenshen. He often haz more pitty than branes, and -generally, more fuss, than either. A good deakon, in a naborhood, iz a -substanshall blessing, and bad deakons, thank Heaven, hav allwuss been -skarse.</p> - - -<h4><i>SOLLUM THINGS.</i></h4> - -<p class="blockquot">The world iz bankrupt in morals, and if kind heaven wont settle with us, -for 10 cents on the dollar, the devil will git the whole thing bi -foreclosure.</p> - -<hr class="sm" /> - -<p class="blockquot2">Yu may make a servant ov a friend, but yu kant make a friend ov a -servant, it aint natral.</p> - - -<hr class="chap" /> - -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i14"><i>The street boys git at him,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i15"><i>And ride him around,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i14"><i>'Till he staggers, and stumbles,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i15"><i>And falls to the ground.</i><br /></span> -</div></div> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 450px;"><br /> -<img src="images/i_278a.png" width="450" height="797" alt="almanac September 1878" /> -</div> - - -<h3><br /><i>THE GRASSHOPPER IZ A BURDEN</i></h3> - -<p class="bgft">The grasshopp iz a flippant bug. He iz likewise a kuss. He iz green for -color, and haz several leggs, or more, i disremember whitch. They kan -fli, hop, walk, sit still, or run, and are born ov eggs, a dozen from -each egg, proberbly. They are an inch and a quarter in length, and are -sumtimes a frackshun over. They are laid, hatchid out, git their -manhood, and die off in 75 days, this iz aktual bizzness, and shows -enterprize, in a lofty degree. What they are good for, haz been -concealed from us, for wize reazons, but the evil they kan commit, iz -sumtimes equal to a famine. I hav seen every green thing, on the flatt -ov the earth, for 50 miles in diameter, et up bi them, and millyuns ov -them besides starving to deth. I have seen the air filled with them like -a shower ov sand, and nothing but stone fences, and McAdam roads, proof -aginst their appetights. To be et up bi grasshopps, to be consumed bi -muskeeters, or mangled bi a mule, hav allways been the three deaths that -i hav voted aginst. But az mutch az i fear the dedly hopper, i had -rather face a mile square ov them, all alone, in the month ov August, or -i had rather cross the Newark marshes, bi moonlite, in Juli, when -muskeeters are in their consumate glory, or even fondle the sportive -mule, than to hav a <i>nusepaper kritick</i>, who writes for 8 dollars a -week, git after me.</p> - - -<h4><i>CAMBRIK NEEDLES.</i></h4> - -<p class="blockquot">The slowest time on reckord,—is skool time.</p> - -<hr class="sm" /> - -<p class="blockquot2">The man who <i>forgivs</i>, and dont <i>forgit</i>, compounds for 50 cents on the -dollar.</p> - - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;"> -<img src="images/i_280a.png" width="400" height="390" alt="man weeping over dead mule" /> -</div> - -<p class="blockquot">I dont take enny phoolish chances, if i waz called upon -to mourn over a ded mule, i should stand in front ov him, and do mi -weeping.=</p> - -<p class="blockquotr">J. Billings Esq.</p> - - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;"><br /><br /> -<img src="images/i_281a.png" width="400" height="372" alt="man falling down hill" /> -</div> - -<p class="blockquot">When a man gits to going down hill, it duz seem, az tho -every thing had been greased for the ockashun.</p> - -<p class="blockquotr">Josh Billings</p> - - -<hr class="chap" /> - -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i13"><i>Thare he struggles, and groans,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i14"><i>'Till he iz knockt on the hed,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i13"><i>And the once rapid trotter,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i14"><i>Lies pulseless and ded.</i><br /></span> -</div></div> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 450px;"><br /> -<img src="images/i_282a.png" width="450" height="800" alt="almanac October 1878" /> -</div> - -<h3><br /><i>THE APPLE.</i></h3> - -<p>The apple iz the oldest fruit on reckord, and one ov the best. The fust -ackount we hav ov it, was in the gardin ov Eden. Eve iz sed to hav et -the fust one, and pronounced it good, and made Adam take a bight. The -eating ov this apple never has been konsidered mutch ov a hit for the -rest ov us. The apple will keep longer than enny other fruit, if it aint -eaten, and kan be workt up into apple sass, and dumplings, with grate -suckcess.</p> - -<p class="bgft">I kan tell a mans tru karakter, bi what he eats, or drinks, clusser than -i kan to hear him deliver a tempranse lektur. Talk of all kinds iz -artyfishall, but vittles, and drinks, iz natur. Whenever yu see a man -cussing, and swareing at apple sass, and good light dumplings, yu can -bet 10 dollars, on mi ackount, that he aint a good fireside man. Apples -also, when they are well squeezed, produce cider, which iz next to milk, -az a fertilizer. Egnogg owes most ov its glory unto cider. Champane wine -would be dredphull skarse in market if it want for cider, and good sharp -vinegar would be az unkommon az piety, or tru affeckshun, if it wazn't -for cider. Jersey lightning also kums from cider, this iz the only -wicked thing i ever knu cider to do. Jersey lightning haz scalded more -people than hot water ever haz, and killed more than Minnie rifles.</p> - - -<h4><i>FOAM.</i></h4> - -<p class="blockquot">Thare iz nothing which a chaste, and refined woman detekts so quick as -the atmosphere ov an impure man.</p> - -<hr class="sm" /> - -<p class="blockquot2">Contentment has been praized more, and prakticed less, than enny other -condishun ov life.</p> - - -<hr class="chap" /> - -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i12"><i>Now they kart him away—</i><br /></span> -<span class="i13"><i>Forgot, and forsaken,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i12"><i>To far-famed</i> "BARREN ISLAND,"<br /></span> -<span class="i13"><i>The Trotter iz taken.</i><br /></span> -</div></div> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 450px;"><br /> -<img src="images/i_284a.png" width="450" height="802" alt="almanac November 1878" /> -</div> - - -<h3><br /><i>THE AVERAGE BOARDING HOUSE.</i></h3> - -<p>I hav lived in boarding houses long enuff to decide, that most ov them -are the most cheerless, and unfriendly places on earth. The alms house, -or the hospital, iz a more luvly spot to liv in, than the average -boarding house. They are kept bi females, gennerally about 45, or 46, -years old, and never gits enny older, who wears a blak allpacka dress, -az slippery, and shiny, as a piece ov pattent leather, and who kan blo a -butcher klean out ov hiz stall, or lift the false hair oph from the -heds, ov one ov her Bridgets, when she gets to argueing the case hot.</p> - -<p>Her house iz furnished from top to bottom with faded furniture, the -spoils ov a thousand aukshun sales, which iz the only place she visits, -except the meat, and vegetable markets Everything on the table, and -about the house, inkluding attendance, iz meazzured out at the rate ov -about nine ounces to the pound, and the whole thing runs dry, and -squeaking like the axles ov a waggon, in want ov grease. Thare iz not -one solitary, genuine cumfort, in theze concerns, and men, and wimmin, -liv, year after year, in theze hash asylums, cursing them every day, and -without the moral force to desert them.</p> - -<p class="bgft">I was once told ov one landlady who kept a party ov four young fellows -in her house, two months longer than they wanted to stay, bi putting a -ten cent stamp into the hash every morning. The landlady dealt out the -hash, and managed to get the stamp every time.</p> - - -<h4><i>DUST.</i></h4> - -<p class="blockquot">The way of the transgressor iz hard,—and there ain't no transgressor -kan dodge it neither.</p> - -<hr class="sm" /> - -<p class="blockquot2">Experience iz about all that old age can boast ov, and how often iz even -this ov the bitterest kind.</p> - - -<hr class="chap" /> - -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i14"><i>Thar hiz hide is stript off,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i15"><i>And two dollars brings,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i14"><i>And his bones are workt up,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i15"><i>Into buttons and things.</i><br /></span> -</div></div> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 450px;"><br /> -<img src="images/i_286a.png" width="450" height="784" alt="almanac December 1878" /> -</div> - -<h3><br /><i>A LONG PARAGRAFF.</i></h3> - -<p>Guessing iz a dredphull poor trade, i had just about az soon hav a man -tell me a lie az to guess at a thing, in case ov doubt ask yure wife, -when the sun shines wimmin are butterflys, and luv to bask in its rays, -but when the dark hours cum, and even hope begins to look over its -shoulder, ask yure wife about it, and she will either puntch a hole thru -the klowd, or lift up one corner ov it, and sho yu a star, I luv babys, -i luv them bekauze they are aktually necessary, I luv them bekauze they -wont lie, I luv them bekauze they may be the next president sum time, i -luv them bekauze i waz a baby once miself, and perhaps sumboddy loved -me, i hav sumtimes thought gamblers were az honest az they kan afford to -be, they allwuss giv notiss before hand that they will cheat you if they -kan, I beleave in one wife, one dog, and one friend, with a few -cheerfull acquaintances thrown in to make up the assortment, doenutts -and cheeze are lawful tenders in Nu England, nine doenutts, a quarter ov -a pound ov old cheeze, and a pint ov sharp sider, iz a luncheon fit for -a nuly elekted Justiss ov the Peace, or a trakt pedlar, dandys are -things ov the past, I havn't seen a regular full blossomed, old -fashioned dandy, going on now seven years, I* * * * * *</p> - - -<h4><i>SEDIMENT.</i></h4> - -<p class="blockquot">When a coquet falls in luv, she falls in all over, prudes make a mental -reservashun.</p> - -<hr class="sm" /> - -<p class="blockquot2">I would rather number amung mi intimates, an ideot, or even a pikpocket, -than infidel.</p> - - -<hr class="chap" /> - -<p class="center">AQUARIUS. THE WATER BEARER.<br /> - -<i>"Now is the winter ov our diskontent."</i></p> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 450px;"><br /> -<img src="images/i_288a.png" width="450" height="783" alt="almanac January 1879" /> -</div> - - -<h3><br /><i>THE BOOK CANVASSER.</i></h3> - -<p class="bgft">The book canvasser iz a red hot being, az untiring az a fox hound, and -az free from diffidence az a fish pedlar. He works hiz way into every -spot in kreashun, and will often sell a book to a man, for hiz own -price, who swore at first that he wouldn't take it az a gift. He will -travel more miles in a day, on less hash, than a stage horse, and kan -stand more abuse than a chinaman. The book canvasser haz bekum the -terror of the land, and mankind hide from him az they would from the -taxgatherer, or a case ov the small pox. I rather like the book -canvasser, when a man pitches into me, and offers to sell me 650 pages -ov "<i>Doktor John Hirsute's modified diagnosis ov the cappilliary -attrakshun</i>," and stiks to it untill he gits the book onto me, i am -delighted with the man, and proud ov miself. It takes genius to do theze -things, and i luv genius in all shapes, whether it appears az the author -ov a dikshionary, or the pattentee of bar soap, warrented to take the -letterings off from a mile stone in three washings. The book canvasser -haz mi hottest prayers for hiz sukcess, and tho i never ov late -subskribe for enny thing, not even to buy the new klergyman an -independant seckond hand trotting kronometor, still i am allwus reddy to -reckomend him to mi nabors.</p> - - -<h4><i>SLUNG SHOT.</i></h4> - -<p class="blockquot">"<i>Throw fisick to the dogs</i>," is a very old proverb, but whare will yu -find the dog that will tutch it?</p> - -<hr class="sm" /> - -<p class="blockquot2">Experience teaches us mutch, but learns us little.</p> - - -<hr class="chap" /> - -<p class="center">PICES, THE FISHES.<br /> - -<i>Two Perch—possibly one Smelt.</i></p> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 450px;"><br /> -<img src="images/i_290a.png" width="450" height="779" alt="almanac February 1879" /> -</div> - - -<h3><br /><i>THE CHIPMUNK.</i></h3> - -<p class="bgft">The chipmunk iz the smallest of the squirrell tribe. They are striped -goods, having three blak lines wove into them, running the same way the -squirrell duz. Az a spekulator in corn the chipmunk stands at the hed ov -all the small operators, beating the blujay, in hiz yearly operashuns -about a quart. The chipmunk carrys hiz corn in hiz mouth, and when he -cums out ov a cornfield loaded with the cereal, his cheeks stik out like -a duch baby's. Sumtimes the chipmunk iz kaught and kept in a cage, and -iz made to turn a wheel for a living, this iz the only usefull work they -hav ever been known to do. I hav often lookt at them at work in their -wheels, and dont kno which i pitty the most, the chipmunk, or the party -who has to tend them, both of them mite be in better bizzness. They are -the only insekt who dig their holes and sho no pile ov dirt at the -entrance. I hav asked sevral smart men what bekums ov the dirt, but they -all shook their heds and lookt awfull wize. When i waz a boy i used to -ketch chipmunks bi running away from skool, and the day that I brought -in two ov them waz a big day for me.</p> - - -<h4><i>CRUMBS.</i></h4> - -<p class="blockquot">The devil iz a very cunning phellow, but the blunders he makes allwuss -eats up the profitts in hiz bizzness.</p> - -<hr class="sm" /> - -<p class="blockquot2">A dandy iz an individul whoze usephullness in this world depends -entirely upon the fit ov hiz clothes.</p> - - -<hr class="chap" /> - -<p class="center">ARIES, THE RAM.<br /> - -<i>On the War Path.—The hit ov the seazon.</i></p> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 450px;"> -<img src="images/i_292a.png" width="450" height="793" alt="almanac March 1879" /> -</div> - - -<h3><br /><i>REMARKS.</i></h3> - -<p class="bgft">Three kard monte iz a game ov chance, the chance iz, that yu will git -badly beat, unless yu play it alone. When thare iz 2 plays the game, -sumbody iz bound to git hurt. Girls are a more risky crop to raize than -boys, if a boy makes a bad blunder, he kan wipe out the slate once, or -even twice, and begin again, but a girl kant. I kant tell who old -Probabilitiz iz, but he iz a smart kuss, aint he? Whiskee iz one ov the -tonicks, i think, but i aint sure, i kno it iz one ov the tanglelegs, -for I hav seen it tried often. Yu kan sell a fast horse in Nu York at -yure own price, provided he iz fast enuff. But dont bring enny 3 minnitt -kattle to Nu York, the ice kream, and the milk men, drive faster than -that. Our old fellows, in Nu York, menny ov them who hav seen 70 years, -when they go out onto the hard roads, dont take enny but 2.25 dust. -Speaking ov kats mi opinyun remains unchanged, they are az full ov -flaws, az a March wind iz. Yu kan make a lawyer, or a minister ov your -son, either ov them are decent callings enuff, but neither ov them will -make him respektabel, unless they are well filled Nuzepaper hacks are -harder workt, and poorer fed, than livery stable horses. Authors, and -skribblers, az a klass, are a self konsaited, and seedy set, and I -believe a literary man, when he gits poor, and shiny, iz the poorest -looking kritter on the footstool.</p> - - -<h4><i>LINT.</i></h4> - -<p class="blockquot">No atheist, with all hiz boasted bravery, haz ever dared to advertize -his beleaf, on hiz tomb stun</p> - -<hr class="sm" /> - -<p class="blockquot2">A baby iz a necessity, but twins allwuss did seem to me, to be ov a -spekulative natur.</p> - - -<hr class="chap" /> - -<p class="center">TAURUS, THE BULL.<br /> - -<i>Bound for Wall Street.—Bring on yure Bear.</i></p> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 450px;"><br /> -<img src="images/i_294a.png" width="450" height="788" alt="almanac April 1879" /> -</div> - - -<h3><br /><i>THE MUSKEETER.</i></h3> - -<p class="bgft">Muskeeters are a game bug, but they wont bite at a hook. Thare iz -millyuns ov them kaught every year, but not with a hook, this makes the -market for them unstiddy, the supply allways exceeding the demand. The -muskeeto iz born on the sly, and cums to maturity quicker than enny -other ov the domestik animiles. A muskeeter at 3 hours old iz just az -reddy, and anxious, to go into bizzness for himself, az ever he iz, and -bites the fust time az sharp, and natral, az red pepper duz. The -muskeeter haz a good ear for musik, and sings without notes. The song ov -the musketo iz monotonous to sum folks, but in me it stirs up the -memorys ov other days. I hav lade awake, all nite long, menny a time and -listened to the sweet anthems ov the muskeeter. I am satisfied that -thare want nothing made in vain, but i kant help thinking how mighty -kluss the musketoze kum to it. The muskeeter haz inhabited this world -since its kreashun, and will probably hang around here until bizzness -closes. Whare the muskeeter goes to in the winter iz a standing -konumdrum, which all the naturalists hav giv up, but we kno he dont go -far, for he iz on hand early each year with hiz probe fresh ground, and -polished. Muskeeters must be one ov the luxurys ov life, they certainly -aint one ov the necessarys, not if we kno ourselfs.</p> - - -<h4><i>SNOW BALLS.</i></h4> - -<p class="blockquot">Thare iz a time for all things, and the best time to hold our tungs, iz -when we feel az tho we had the most to say.</p> - -<hr class="sm" /> - -<p class="blockquot">The man who gambles, or drinks whiskey, kant chooze hiz assoshiates.</p> - - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;"> -<img src="images/i_296a.png" width="400" height="419" alt="horse trading" /> -</div> - -<p class="blockquot">If yu trade horses with a jockey yu kant git cheated but -once.—but if yu trade with a deakon yu may git cheated twice.—once in -the horse, and once in the deakon =</p> - -<p class="blockquotr">Perhaps. Josh Billings</p> - - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;"><br /> -<img src="images/i_297a.png" width="400" height="438" alt="man fishing" /> -</div> - -<p class="blockquot">Patience iz a good thing for a man to hav. but when he -haz got so mutch ov it. that he kan fish all day long, without enny bate -on hiz hook,—Lazyness, iz what's the matter ov him.=</p> - -<p class="blockquotr">Exackly so. Josh Billings</p> - - -<hr class="chap" /> - -<p class="center">GEMINI, THE TWINS.<br /> - -<i>Dubletts—a lucky throw.</i></p> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 450px;"><br /> -<img src="images/i_298a.png" width="450" height="786" alt="almanac May 1879" /> -</div> - - -<h3><br /><i>THE BEAN.</i></h3> - -<p class="bgft">Next to rhy bread, beans hav been called by the poets, and philosphers -the cumfort, and staff ov life. The bean iz all food, thare iz no more -waste in them, than thare iz in a pint ov cold water, when a man iz -auphull dry. Beans are all colors, and most shapes, flat, round, oblong, -square, and 3 cornered, and a quart ov them put into a pot, and biled 2 -hours, will meazzure a gallon, and a haff, when they cum out. This makes -them a better dividend paying seed than enny thing we kno ov. Beans are -az old az Esau, he sold out for bean porridge. Beans gro on the jump, -and thare aint but phew things that kan beat a bean klimbing a pole. I -luv beans, but dont hanker for them. But beans, and me wont quarrell. -Baked beans are a grate necessity in Nu England, and not to hav a -platter ov them for Sunday dinner, iz lookt upon thare az being stuck-up -to the neighbors. One ov the old blue laws ov Massachusetts waz, "<i>thou -shalt eat baked beans on Sunday.</i>" I kan remember now ov eating baked -beans, and rhy, and injun bread every Sunday, when i waz a boy, and -luving it, bekauze i waz obliged to.</p> - - -<h4><i>EXAMINE.</i></h4> - -<p class="blockquot">The happyest time in enny ones life, iz the fust 20 minnitts after they -hav had an akeing tooth jerkt out.</p> - -<hr class="sm" /> - -<p class="blockquot2">Imaginashun never filled a man's stummak yet, yu kant git pork, and -beans, by dreaming about them.</p> - - -<hr class="chap" /> - -<p class="center">CANCER, THE KRAB.<br /> - -<i>A Shell-Fish—pretty mutch all shell.</i></p> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 450px;"><br /> -<img src="images/i_300a.png" width="450" height="781" alt="almanac June 1879" /> -</div> - - - -<h3><br /><i>QUESTIONS AND REPLIZE.</i></h3> - -<p>Q.—What iz the best religious kreed to hav?</p> - -<p>A.—Charity. If a man will swop off all the religious kreed he haz got -on hand, and invest the proceeds in charity, he will allwus be proud ov -the job.</p> - -<hr class="sm" /> - -<p>Q.—Will yu pleze define an Enthuziast?</p> - -<p>A.—An Enthuziast iz a party who beleaves about 4 times az mutch az he -kan prove, and who kan prove about 4 times az mutch az ennyboddy else -beleaves.</p> - -<hr class="sm" /> - -<p>Q.—What three things hav dun the most to civilize the world?</p> - -<p>A.—The Bible, the looking-glass, and the muskett</p> - -<hr class="sm" /> - -<p>Q.—Whitch iz the most reddy animile?</p> - -<p>A.—The mule—they alwuss sleep standing, so to be on hand when the -kiking begins to flow.</p> - -<hr class="sm" /> - -<p>Q.—What iz the quikest food on reckord?</p> - -<p class="bgft">A.—The oyster on the haff shell—they kan be et sitting, standing, or -on the run.</p> - - -<hr class="chap" /> - -<p class="center">LEO, THE LION.<br /> - -<i>Strayed or Stolen.—Return to P. T. Barnum.</i></p> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 450px;"><br /> -<img src="images/i_302a.png" width="450" height="780" alt="almanac July 1879" /> -</div> - - -<h3><br /><i>THE GORRILLA.</i></h3> - -<p>The gorrilla iz a free-born citizen ov Western Afrika, and in point ov -intilekt, averages well with the rest ov the natives. They are about 5 -foot 3 in hight, and hav got a sanguine temper, wuss than a fish womans. -I never saw but one gorrilla, and he waz not filled with life, but waz -filled with straw. I dont want to see another, it weakens mi respekt for -mi ansesstors. They are four legged, and kan walk purpendikular, or -horizontal, but when they do walk uprite, they are the wust looking -relashuns we hav. They liv alone, and are more terrible in a ruff and -tumble fite, than enny person that livs. I hav allwuss wondered whi sum -one didn't import one into this country, and match him for 2 thousand -dollars to fite in a ring. I am oppozed to ring battles, but when this -skirmish takes place, i want to be there, and bet my patrimony on to the -gorrilla. May the best man win. The gorrilla haz a good appetight, for -one that haint been kultivated, and will eat enny thing he kan ketch, -from a coloured brother to an anakondy The gorrilla iz no doubt good for -sumthing, but what that iz i kant tell, nor dont want to know. Farewell -yu auphull, ugly, mizerable kuss.</p> - -<p class="bgft">The end ov the gorrilla.</p> - - -<h4><i>WEIGH.</i></h4> - -<p class="blockquot">The devil holds poor kards, but he allwuss plays them mighty well.</p> - -<hr class="sm" /> - -<p class="blockquot2">A man with a very small hed iz like a pin without enny, very apt to git -into things beyond hiz depth.</p> - - -<hr class="chap" /> - -<p class="center">VIRGO, THE VIRGIN,<br /> - -<i>Sweet 16 (sub rosa 38)</i>.</p> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 450px;"><br /> -<img src="images/i_304a.png" width="450" height="784" alt="almanac August 1879" /> -</div> - - -<h3><br /><i>QUESTIONS, AND ANSWERS.</i></h3> - -<p>Q.—When iz the right time to marry?</p> - -<p>A.—Enny whare between 21, and ninety-four years.</p> - -<p>Q.—What iz a woman's chief joy in this world?</p> - -<p>A.—Her own or sumboddy else's baby.</p> - -<p>Q.—Which iz the most diffident, and humbel kritter amung the animals?</p> - -<p>A.—A bobtailed kat, probberbly.</p> - -<p>Q.—How menny yards ov 5 dollar silk duz it take to make a dress.</p> - -<p>A.—I dont kno, but it allwuss takes 2 yards and a haff more than yu buy -the fust time.</p> - -<p>Q.—What do mankind gennerally take the most pride in?</p> - -<p>A.—In sumthing their nabors haint got, nor kant git.</p> - -<p>Q.—What two persons in the whole congregashun, need the clusset -watching?</p> - -<p>A.—A praying pollytisian, and an offishus deakon.</p> - -<p>Q.—How iz the best way to git rid ov kokroaches?</p> - -<p>A.—Sell out yure house, and lot, and jine the gipseys.</p> - -<p>Q.—What cums the nearest to makeing a woman sware?</p> - -<p>A.—To hav her clothes line brake when it iz full ov a Monday's washing.</p> - -<p>Q.—Which iz the two most thankless jobs in this world?</p> - -<p>A.—To keep skool, and be an undertaker.</p> - -<p>Q.—How do yu define experience?</p> - -<p class="bgft">A.—Experience iz the science ov finding out how deep a mill pond iz, by -wading into it, and drowning.</p> - - -<h4><i>DOUBLETS.</i></h4> - -<p class="blockquot">I kant help but respekt the heathen, they hav made az good a showing on -their kapital, az the christians hav.</p> - -<hr class="sm" /> - -<p class="blockquot2">Next to the mother in law, cums the Grandmother, to regulate the cook, -the kat, and the baby.</p> - - -<hr class="chap" /> - -<p class="center">LIBRA, THE SKALES.<br /> - -<i>For full particulars enquire ov E. & T. Fairbanks & Co.</i></p> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 450px;"><br /> -<img src="images/i_306a.png" width="450" height="780" alt="almanac September 1879" /> -</div> - - -<h3><br /><i>THE APPLE DUMPLIN.</i></h3> - -<p class="bgft">The dumplin are about the natral size ov yure phist, made out ov dough, -and filled with apples. They are served up hot, with sum sweet-tasteing -liniment on them, and are az eazy to struggle with az a sugar-plum. They -aint so good kold az they ought to be. Kold dumplin, and raw potatoe, -eat similar. I never et apple dumplin yet, without thanking the Lord for -that one, and the Landlady for another one. Four apple dumplins, at one -sitting, iz just about mi size. I wish i knu who invented theze -kind-hearted balls, i would like to weep over hiz memory. Punkin pi, and -apple dumplin, hav dun az mutch to civilize man az enny two missionarys -that hav ever lived. Good vittles iz next to good morals enny how. Yu -may talk about virtew az mutch az yu pleze, yu kant never inokulate a -man with virtew fust rate on an empty stummuk. Giv a man four apple -dumplin, with sum good kind ov ointment on them, and after he haz et -them, and they hav settled down to hard pan, yu kan krawl up to him on -either side, with a dose of morality, or even sum new kind of sope, for -taking spots out ov clothes.</p> - - -<h4><i>A STATEMENT.</i></h4> - -<p class="blockquot">Thare iz nothing about a man that will outlast a nikname, it will stik -to him, az long az a bobtale will to a dog.</p> - -<hr class="sm" /> - -<p class="blockquot">Most people repent ov their sins bi thanking God they aint so wicked az -their nabors.</p> - - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;"><br /> -<img src="images/i_308a.png" width="400" height="406" alt="man falling on waterlogged ice" /> -</div> - -<p class="blockquot">Thare iz one thing i notiss.—When a man falls down on -the ice, whare the water iz an inch, and a haff deep, he never seems to -feel proud ov the job =</p> - -<p class="blockquotr">Josh Billings</p> - - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;"><br /> -<img src="images/i_309a.png" width="400" height="446" alt="goose, head down, entering barn" /> -</div> - -<p class="blockquot">The goose, like sumother folks, haz more politeness than -thare iz enny need ov.—i hav seen them lower their heds, in going into -a barn door, 18 foot high.=</p> - -<p class="blockquotr">I hav. Josh Billings</p> - - -<hr class="chap" /> - -<p class="center">SCORPIO, THE SKORPION.<br /> - -<i>When the pinch comes, he is thar.</i></p> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 450px;"><br /> -<img src="images/i_310a.png" width="450" height="762" alt="almanac October 1879" /> -</div> - - -<h3><br /><i>PUNKIN PI.</i></h3> - -<p class="bgft">Punkin pi iz the sass ov Nu England. They are vittles and drink, they -are joy on the haff-shell, they are glory enuff for one day, and are -good kold or warmed up. I would like to be a boy again, just for sixty -minnitts, and eat miself phull ov the blessed old mixtur. Enny man who -dont luv punkin pi, wants watching cluss, for he means to do sumthin -mean the fust good chance he kan git. Giv me all the punkin pi i could -eat, when i waz a boy, and i didn't kare whether sunday-skool kept that -day or not. And now that i hav grown up to manhood, and hav run for the -legislature once, and only got beat 856 votes, and am thoroly marrid, -thare aint nothing i hanker for wuss, and kan bury quicker, than -two-thirds ov a good old-fashioned punkin pi, an inch and a halff thik, -and well smelt up, with ginger and nutmeg. Punkin pi iz the oldest -Amerikan beverage i kno ov, and ought to go down to posterity with the -trade mark ov our grandmothers on it; but i am afrade it wont, for it iz -tuff even now to find one that tastes in the mouth at all az they did 40 -years ago.</p> - - -<h4><i>REMARKS.</i></h4> - -<p class="blockquot">Noboddy really luvs to be cheated, but it duz seem az tho every one waz -anxious to see how near they could cum to it.</p> - -<hr class="sm" /> - -<p class="blockquot2">The wust tyrant in the world iz the wife ov a henpekt husband.</p> - - -<hr class="chap" /> - -<p class="center">SAGITTARIUS, THE ARCHER.<br /> - -<i>Sarching for the Bulls Eye.</i></p> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 450px;"><br /> -<img src="images/i_312a.png" width="450" height="772" alt="almanac November 1879" /> -</div> - - -<h3><br /><i>PERSONALS.</i></h3> - -<p class="blockquot">⁂ H. J. B.—If the lady with lavender poodle, would like tew swop dogs, -Barney O'Toole iz her man.</p> - -<p class="blockquotr"> -<span class="smcap">B. O'Toole.</span><br /> -</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p class="blockquot">⁂ D.—Dont menshun it; mum iz the word. Star ov buty, the goose hangeth -hi.</p> - -<p class="blockquotr"> -<span class="smcap">Lover.</span><br /> -</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p class="blockquot">⁂ <span class="smcap">Sweetness.</span>—Virtew iz her own cashier; the violet iz blu; the racoon -haz a bushy tail; man waz made tew mourn; meet me at the pea-nut stand.</p> - -<p class="blockquotr"> -<span class="smcap">Harrold.</span><br /> -</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p class="blockquot">⁂ <span class="smcap">Spongkake.</span>—Dost luv me? The kold moon listened when yu breathed a vow -in Bridget Costello's ear; dont go back on me Patrik, if thou dost, be -jabbers i will hav satisfackshun.</p> - -<p class="blockquotr"> -<span class="smcap">Bridget.</span><br /> -</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p class="blockquot">⁂ <span class="smcap">Bill Mustach.</span>—Dont put on airs; how about that box ov 5 cent cigars -yu owe for? Yure wash-woman mourns yure abscence.</p> - -<p class="blockquotr"> -<span class="smcap">Sam Peel.</span><br /> -</p> - - -<hr class="chap" /> - -<p class="center">CAPRICORNUS, THE GOAT.<br /> - -<i>A strong Butter (I don't like strong butter).</i></p> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 450px;"><br /> -<img src="images/i_314a.png" width="450" height="787" alt="almanac December 1879" /> -</div> -<p> </p><p> </p> - -<hr class="full" /> - - - -<h2><br /><br />ECCENTRICITIES OF GENIUS</h2> - -<h4>By Major J. B. Pond.</h4> - -<h3>READ WHAT IS SAID OF IT.</h3> - -<p class="blockquot">"It is distinctly one of the most interesting books of the year -from any point of view."—<i>Rochester Sunday Herald.</i></p> - -<p class="blockquot">"It is many a day since I have read so fascinating a book of -reminiscences. Many a day—or perhaps I should have said a -'night'—for this volume has given me delight during hours, when, -according to the laws of nature, I should have been -asleep."—<i>Neweil Dwight Hillis.</i></p> - -<p class="blockquot">"One of the most simple, naive and straightforward books ever -written. It fairly reeks with personality.... No man living has had -such interesting association with so many interesting -people."—<i>Home Journal.</i></p> - -<p class="blockquot">"Adorned by many pictures, never before published."—<i>Detroit -Journal.</i></p> - -<p class="blockquot">"Possesses unparalleled attractions."—<i>Boston Journal.</i></p> - -<p class="blockquot">"Major Pond goes deep into his subject, tarnishing pen-portraits -that are admirably clear and graphic."—<i>The Mail and Express.</i></p> - -<p class="blockquot">The whole book, stuffed as it is with anecdotes and extracts from -personal letters, is marvelously interesting."—<i>Boston -Transcript.</i></p> - -<p class="blockquot">"All the world loves a teller of stories, and readers will surely -take approvingly to the man who gives them so much of entertaining -reading as is found in Major Pond's 600 pages of bright personal -description."—<i>N. Y. Times.</i></p> - -<p class="blockquot">"Shining by reflected light, its pages literally teem with -interesting anecdotes of many sorts."—<i>Chicago Evening Post.</i></p> - -<p class="blockquot">"Originality stamps the volume, copiously illustrated with -portraits."—<i>The Boston Globe.</i></p> - -<p class="blockquot">"It has a thousand charms, and a thousand points of interest. It is -full of striking gems of thought, rare descriptions of men and -places, biographical bits that delight one by their variety, and -the distinction of those alluded to. From a literary view it is as -interesting as Disraeli's famous "Curiosities of -Literature."—<i>Philadelphia Item.</i></p> - -<p class="blockquot">"If any more charming and interesting book has appeared this -season, it has not come to our notice. The get-up is worthy of the -matter of the book."—<i>Philadelphia Evening Telegraph.</i></p> - -<p class="blockquot2">It is a handsome octavo volume, 5-3/4 x 8-3/4 inches, of 620 pages, with -nearly 100 half-tone portrait illustrations. Beautifully bound in -English silk cloth, with gold stamp on side, gilt top. At all -Bookstores. $3.50.</p> - - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<h2><br />THE VOYAGE OF ITHOBAL</h2> - -<h4>BY</h4> - -<h3>SIR EDWIN ARNOLD</h3> - - -<p>Ithobal was the first African explorer we know about. He was a sea -captain of Tyre, who rescued and married an African Princess, and then -induced the King of Egypt to put him in charge of a voyage of -exploration of the wonderful land of his wife's birth.</p> - -<p>After a voyage of fifteen thousand miles around Africa, he returns after -numerous and exciting adventures, which bring out almost every feature -of African life and scenery. Ithobal relates the story of his enterprise -in a discourse of seven days before the throne of Pharaoh, who crowns -him with honors.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Sir Henry M. Stanley</span>, in a letter to the author, says of it:—"You -have added greatly to the happiness of many of your race by the -production of so unique a poem, so rich in the beauties of the -sweet English language."</p> - -<p>Other able critics who have read the blind poet's new epic poem unite in -calling it even better than the old favorite, "The Light of Asia."</p> - -<p class="bgft"><i>12mo, Cloth, Gilt Top. Illustrated from 36 drawings by Arthur Lumley. -$1.50</i></p> - - -<hr class="tb" /> - - -<h4><br />EQUAL PARTNERS. By Howard Fielding.</h4> - -<p>By <span class="smcap">Howard Fielding</span>. "This is a thoroughly enjoyable detective -story, written in good, crisp style, and with a decided surprise in -the last pages. It is adroitly contrived that almost every -character in the book shall be suspected of the crime of attempted -murder before the actual culprit is discovered. The characters are -excellently differentiated, and the story is vastly diverting, nor -are there any repulsive features about the book. It is a stirring -tale and will enliven a dull evening successfully."—<i>Chicago -Tribune</i>. Illustrated. Cloth bound.<br /> - -$1.25</p> - - -<hr class="tb" /> - - -<h4><br />DORIS KINGSLEY, Child and Colonist.</h4> - -<p>By <span class="smcap">Emma Rayner</span>, author of "Free to Serve," "In Castle and Colony," -etc. This story of the South in the first half of the eighteenth -century, opens with one of the strangest episodes in the early -history of South Carolina—the pursuit and capture by the Governor -of Carolina of a pirate vessel, full, not of treasure, but of -English men and women; and the selling of those same unfortunate -voyagers as bond servants in the colony. Doris Kingsley, a child -stolen from the streets of London, is the youngest of the party, -and is the heroine of the story. Doris Kingsley is a novel of -absorbing interest, dramatic and historically true. Illustrated. -Cloth bound.<br /> - -$1.50</p> - - -<hr class="tb" /> - - -<h4><br />OLD JED PROUTY (A Narrative of the Penobscot).</h4> - -<p><span class="smcap">Richard Golden</span> and <span class="smcap">Mary C. Francis</span>. In "Old Jed Prouty" the -reading public is presented with a New England character story of -unusual interest and merit. The plot, although not an involved one, -hides enough mystery to lend the spice of the unknown to the -reader's zest, and the simple and natural dénouement emphasizes the -high moral ethics of the story, and throws into strong relief the -deep human sentiments that dominate the tale. Standing out above -all, infusing into the fiber of every chapter the rugged sincerity, -the homely wit and the quaint philosophy of New England, is the -central character about which the pivot of the story turns, "Old -Jed Prouty," real in name and real in goodness, who at the time of -his life, some thirty years since, was a landmark in the Valley of -the Penobscot. Cloth bound.<br /> - -$1.50</p> - - -<hr class="tb" /> - - -<h4><br />A MASTER OF FORTUNE, being Further Adventures of "Captain Kettle."</h4> - -<p>By <span class="smcap">Cutcliffe Hyne</span>. "It has the dash and tinge of reality that makes -you feel as if you were in the midst of it all."—<i>Detroit Free -Press.</i></p> - -<p>"The many readers who followed with bated breath the wild -adventures of Captain Kettle in the book named for him, will -welcome Cutcliffe Hyne's new collection of tales dealing with that -remarkable sea dog. The volume is well called 'A Master of -Fortune.'"—<i>Philadelphia Press.</i></p> - -<p>"Nobody who has followed the gallant sailor—diminutive, but oh, -my!—in his previous adventures around the earth, is going to miss -this red-hot volume of marvelous exploits."—<i>N. Y. World.</i> -Illustrated. Cloth bound.<br /> - -$1.50</p> - - -<hr class="tb" /> - - -<h4><br />THE ADVENTURES OF CAPTAIN KETTLE.</h4> - -<p>By <span class="smcap">Cutcliffe Hyne</span>. The best sea story since the days of Marryat. -Captain Kettle is a devil-may-care sea dog, half pirate and half -preacher. The author carries him through many hairbreadth escapes -and makes him a character that will live long in the annals of -fiction. The success of this book is marvelous. Over 80,000 copies -have been sold. Illustrated. Cloth bound.<br /> - -$1.50</p> - - -<hr class="tb" /> - - -<h4><br />THE MULLIGANS. A Novel.</h4> - -<p>By <span class="smcap">Edward Harrigan</span>. The <i>New York World</i> says: "Mr. Harrigan gave -to his Mulligan dramas the most distinctly typical character plays -which have ever been seen on the native stage. They were studied -and displayed straight from the life of New York and their -popularity was unbounded.</p> - -<p>His book is one of the most generally interesting of the new -season's output."</p> - -<p><i>It is a marvelously entertaining novel, possessing a keenness of -wit and humor unsurpassed by any recent work. All the characters -stand out, as true to life, as natural and as vivid as if portrayed -by Dickens</i>. 12mo. Cloth bound. Illustrated. Price,<br /> - -$1.50</p> - - -<hr class="tb" /> - - -<h4><br />NORMAN HOLT, a Story of the Army of the Cumberland.</h4> - -<p>By <span class="smcap">General</span> (Capt.) <span class="smcap">Charles King</span>. "No more charming historic war -story has ever been written. It is Captain King's best, and -bearing, as it does, on the great battle of Mission Ridge, although -the story is woven in fiction, it adds an invaluable record of that -gigantic contest between the two great armies."</p> - -<p>"The characters are real, their emotions natural, and the romance -that is interwoven is delightful. It is wholesome and one of -General King's best, if not his best book."—<i>N. Y. Journal.</i></p> - -<p>"From the first chapter to the last page the interest of the reader -never fags. General King has written no more brilliant or stirring -novel than 'Norman Holt.'"—<i>N. Y. Press.</i></p> - -<p>Illustrated, cloth bound.<br /> - -$1.25<br /></p> - - -<hr class="tb" /> - - -<h4><br />JOHN HENRY, (25th Thousand.)</h4> - -<p>By <span class="smcap">Hugh McHugh</span>. "'John Henry' has just 'butted' its way in between -the literary bars and capered over the book counters to the tune of -twelve thousand copies before its publishers could recover their -breath.</p> - -<p>"Every page is as catchy as a bar from a popular song.</p> - -<p>"The slang is as correct, original and smart as the newest -handshake from London.</p> - -<p>"In the lottery of humorous books 'John Henry' seems to approximate -the capital prize."—<i>N. Y. Journal.</i></p> - -<p>"All who have laughed over 'Billy Baxter' will heartily enjoy this -book."—<i>The Bookseller, Newsdealer and Stationer.</i></p> - -<p>Cloth bound.<br /> -$0.75 -</p> - - -<hr class="tb" /> - - -<h4><br />THE KING OF HONEY ISLAND, (45th Thousand.)</h4> - -<p>By <span class="smcap">Maurice Thompson</span>, author of "Alice of Old Vincennes," etc. "'The -King of Honey Island' bears quite as many marks of the genius of -the author as does 'Alice of Old Vincennes,' with the additional -charm, perhaps of more buoyancy and beauty of thought and -expression. In 'Alice' Mr. Thompson plumed himself as a master word -painter. In 'The King of Honey Island' he developed into a -veritable American Ouida, for his descriptive powers are marvelous. -Like the true artist that he was, he paints Nature as it looks, not -as it is, so that the reader, in glimpsing the battle of New -Orleans, hears, almost, the cannon's roar."—<i>The Topeka Capital.</i></p> - -<p> -Illustrated, cloth bound.<br />$1.50</p> - - -<hr class="tb" /> - - -<h4><br />JOHN WINSLOW.</h4> - -<p>By <span class="smcap">Henry D. Northrop</span>. "'John Winslow' is one of those inviting -books of country life of which the best part of 'Eben Holden' has -come to be the accepted type. Plenty of shrewd common sense in the -chief character, a dash of love on the side, an incidental and -inevitable bit of human wickedness—but everything in the picture -and the framing attractive. This is a book for a wide reach among -readers."—<i>N. Y. World.</i></p> - -<p>"Properly ranks with 'Eben Holden,' 'David Harum,' and 'Quincy -Adams Sawyer.' The four may be put in a class by themselves as -distinctive types of homespun Americans."—<i>The North American.</i></p> - -<p>"Worthy to live with 'David Harum' and 'Eben -Holden.'"—<i>Publishers' Weekly.</i> 12mo, illustrated, cloth bound.<br /> - -$1.50</p> - - -<hr class="tb" /> - - -<h4><br />UNDER A LUCKY STAR, a New Book on Astrology.</h4> - -<p>By <span class="smcap">Charlotte Abell Walker</span>. Tells what occupation to adopt, and what -line of life to follow, what associates and partners to choose, how -to recognize the possibilities and limitations of our friends and -ourselves, and of other important matters to human life, including -suggestions on marriage, being mainly culled from the minds of -ancient and modern philosophers. Illustrated, cloth bound.<br /> - -$1.50</p> - - -<hr class="tb" /> - - -<h4><br />THE WAY OF A MAN WITH A MAID.</h4> - -<p>By <span class="smcap">Frances Gorden Fane</span>. A clever, well-written story, full of love -and pathos, and thrilling with dramatic crises. Each step of the -domestic tragedy is skilfully portrayed, until the final climax is -reached.</p> - -<p>"Its author has made it a powerful, telling story to read."—<i>N. Y. -World.</i></p> - -<p> -Cloth bound.<br />$1.50</p> - - -<hr class="tb" /> - - -<h4><br />THE CROSSROADS OF DESTINY, a Story of Chivalry in the Fifteenth Century.</h4> - -<p>By <span class="smcap">John P. Ritter</span>. Author of "The Man Who Dared." This is a -wonderfully interesting story, and will find a welcome with all who -love to read of deeds of chivalry.</p> - -<p class="bgft">"It is a clean, clear and clever story of chivalry at its best, and -will find a great many well-pleased readers."—<i>New York World.</i> -Cloth bound, illustrated.<br /> - -$1.25</p> - -<hr class="full" /> -<p> </p> -<div class="box"> -<h3>TRANSCRIBER'S NOTES</h3> - -<p>The wayward spelling and punctuation are special features of -this text. I have therefore made no attempt to correct apparent -typos or missing punctuation marks, as at least SOME of the errors -are intentional.</p> - -<p>There are only three exceptions:</p> - -<p>1. the correction of "C" to "G" in line 11 of page 36;</p> - -<p>2. the insertion of the missing number 1 in the list on page 38;</p> - -<p>3. the insertion of the missing number 1 in the list on page 45.</p> -</div> -<p> </p><p> </p> - - - - - - - -<pre> - - - - - -End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Josh Billings' Old Farmer's Allminax, by -Henry Wheeler Shaw - -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK OLD FARMER'S ALLMINAX *** - -***** This file should be named 40191-h.htm or 40191-h.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: - http://www.gutenberg.org/4/0/1/9/40191/ - -Produced by Margo Romberg, Chris Curnow and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net. 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