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diff --git a/old/40191-0.txt b/old/40191-0.txt deleted file mode 100644 index e09a6b3..0000000 --- a/old/40191-0.txt +++ /dev/null @@ -1,12242 +0,0 @@ -The Project Gutenberg EBook of Josh Billings' Old Farmer's Allminax, by -Henry Wheeler Shaw - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with -almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or -re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included -with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org - - -Title: Josh Billings' Old Farmer's Allminax - 1870-1879, with Comic Illustrations - -Author: Henry Wheeler Shaw - -Release Date: July 10, 2012 [EBook #40191] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: UTF-8 - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK OLD FARMER'S ALLMINAX *** - - - - -Produced by Margo Romberg, Chris Curnow and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net. (This -file was produced from images generously made available -by The Internet Archive) - - - - - - - - +--------------------------------------------------------------+ - | TRANSCRIBER'S NOTE | - | | - | The horoscope tables of the _Allminax_ are decorated with | - | miscellaneous symbols, not all of which are available in | - | monospaced utf-8 fonts to decorate this version of the text. | - | Most symbols have been replaced with "@"; other compatible | - | symbols have been chosen at random to give some idea of what | - | the pages look like. The original horoscope pages can be seen| - | in the HTML version of the _Allminax_. | - | | - | The wayward spelling and punctuation are special features of | - | this text. I have therefore made no attempt to correct | - | apparent typos or missing punctuation marks, as at least SOME| - | of the errors are intentional. | - | | - | There are only three exceptions: | - | | - | 1. the correction of "C" to "G" in line 11 of page 36; | - | | - | 2. the insertion of the missing number 1 in the list on page | - | 38; | - | | - | 3. the insertion of the missing number 1 in the list on page | - | 45. | - | | - | Italicised text is marked _like this_. Bold text is marked | - | =like this=. | - | | - +--------------------------------------------------------------+ - - - - - JOSH - BILLINGS' - OLD - FARMER'S - ALLMINAX - 1870 1879 - - - WITH COMIC ILLUSTRATIONS - - - PERHAPS - RAIN - - [Illustration] - - PERHAPS - NOT - - - NEW YORK - G · W · DILLINGHAM CO - 1902 - - - - - COPYRIGHT, 1870, 1871, 1872, 1873, 1874, 1875, 1876, 1877, 1878, - 1879, BY G. W. CARLETON & CO. - - - COPYRIGHT, 1902, BY - WM. H. DUFF - - ADMINISTRATOR ESTATE OF HENRY W. SHAW - - - JOSH BILLINGS' - FARMER'S ALLMINAX - - - - -SIGHNS OV THE ZODIAK. - - -The undersighned iz an Amerikan brave, in hiz grate tragick akt ov being -attaked bi the twelve constellashuns.--(May the best man win.) - - [Illustration] - -_KEY TEW THE ABUV PERFORMANCE._ - -Tew kno exackly whare the sighn iz, multiply the day ov the month bi the -sighn, then find a dividend that will go into a divider four times -without enny remains, subtrakt this from the sighn, add the fust -quoshunt tew the last divider, then multiply the whole ov the man's -boddy bi all the sighns, and the result will be jist what yu are looking -after. - - - - -_BILLINGS' FAMILY TIME TABLE._ - - -Amazi begot Hezaki, Hezaki begot Eldad, Eldad begot Behomath, Behomath -begot Zepheniah (_Zepheniah waz a conumdrum maker, sum ov which hav been -handed down down_), Zepheniah begot Ezekiel, Ezekiel begot Issacher -(_Issaker waz a bad speller, which haz bin handed down too_), Issaker -begot Nehemiah, Nehemiah begot Methuseler, Methuseler begot Nabob -(_Nabob waz a snob_), Nabob begot Jerrymiah, and Jerrymiah begot Absolum -Billings (_who is admitted bi every boddy who remembers him tew be the -most humblyest looking man in the 9th Century_). Absolum begot Josh, and -so they kept bizzy begotting. - -After the Billings family once struck the front name, _Josh_, they clung -tew it. I find over 6 hundred ov that name extant, besides a grate menny -who haz bekum extanted. - -The Billings hav bin a helthy old breed az fur back az i have dug for -them, which they owe principally tew a milk diet. It iz sed that -Behomath Billings, one ov our pristines, could drean a cow perfektly dry -at one sitting. If this iz so, it helps explain the great amount ov milk -in the Billings natur. - -I dont find enny old bachelors, nor old maids, amung our ansesstors, -inkrease and multiply haz alwus bin the battle cry of the Billings. - - - - -OPINIONS OF THE PRESS - -AFTER SEEING THE ADVANCE SHEETS OV - -Josh Billings' Farmers' Allminax - -FOR THE YEAR 1870. - - -"We seldum notis the current Amerikan literature ov the day, but the -Billings Allminax, soon tew be issued by Carleton, is a work for the -mothers of the Amerikan Union."--_London Times, June 6th, 1869._ - - * * * * * - -"Josh Billings' Farmers' Allminax iz az phull ov gems az a diamond -neklace, az phull of knowledge az Webster's Spellin Book, and az phull -of cooking and cures az a parson's wife."--_London Atheneum, May 31st, -1869._ - - * * * * * - -"The virtewous thoughts in Josh's Allminax iz gin cocktails for the -idle, and brandy straights for the viscious."--_Atlantik Semi-Monthly, -May 3d, 1869._ - - * * * * * - -"The Billings' Allminax will prove a rare acquisition tew Amerikan -literature; the astronomikal calculashuns are unique, the language -elegant, the moral perfekt, the sentiments just, and the whole thing -extremely bully."--_Boston Ledger, May 1st, 1869._ - - * * * * * - -"In theze daze of tawdry novels, imbecile poetry, and florid historys, -it iz charming tew take up such a brilliant thing az Josh Billings' -Farmers' Allminax, whare philosophy and sentiment frolik together, and -whare wit sits in state, with one arm around the waist ov -morality."--_Omaha Patriot, July 4th, 1869._ - - - - -_JANUARY MONOGRAPH._ - -This month waz named after one Janus, a sharp sighted old chap, with a -face like a pikaxe, so that he could look both ways at once, back onto -the old year, and forward onto the new one. At the latter part ov his -life he died of a thaw, leaving a snug little property, sum six or seven -hundred dollars, which akordin tew one ov the bye-laws ov hiz will, waz -invested in tin back thermometors, and distributed amung the suffering -poor ov his native village, az mementoze ov Janus. - - -DOMESTIX RECEIPTS. - -Tew find the square root ov a hog's noze, turn him into a gardin patch. - - * * * * * - -Tew enjoy a good reputashun, giv publickly, and steal privately. - - * * * * * - -Tew remove grease from a man's karakter, let him strike sum sudden ile. - - * * * * * - -Tew giv oysters an extra good relish, eat them at sumboddy else's -expense. - - * * * * * - -Tew git wrong things out ov yure child's head,--comb it often. - - - [Illustration] - - I never argy agin a suckcess, when i see a rattlesnaixs - hed sticking out ov a whole, i bear off to the left, and say to - miself----that hole belongs to that snaix.= - - Josh Billings - - - [Illustration] - - Cider may be a good temprance beverage, but i hav seen - folks git so drunk on it, that they couldn't tell one ov the 10 - commandments from a bye law or a base bawl klub. = - - Josh Billings - - -31 Days. - -JANUARY. - -1870. - -Q.--What iz an old bachelor? @ () @ ¶ - -A.--The hero ov a cot bedstead. @ † @ @ † - - [Illustration] - - _He who bi farmin would git ritch, - Must plough, and so, and dig, and sich, - Work hard all day, sleep hard all nite, - Save every cent, and not git tite._ - -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -|@ | @ || _Prognostix._ | _INK BRATS._ | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -| 1| S || @ _Cold_ @ @ @ | | -| 2| G || Daniel @ Lambert | When a rooster crows, he crows | -| 3| M || @ @ born @ @ 1793 | all over. | -| 4| T || _high_ @ _tides_ @ | | -| 5| W || @ _perhaps_ @ @ | * * * * * | -| 6| T || _rain_ @ _perhaps_ | | -| 7| F || @ _not_ @ Milky | A nu milk Cow is stepmother | -| 8| S || way @ fust @ | tew evry mans baby. | -| 9| G || discovered @ 1386 @ | | -|10| M || @ _Weather_ @ @ | * * * * * | -|11| T || _shifty_ @ @ lay in @ | | -|12| W || @ yure ice @ | Whenever i kan find a real | -|13| T || cream cow @ @ | hansum woman engaged in the | -|14| F || @ for @ next @ | wimmins rights bizzness, then | -|15| S || @ summer @ | i am going tew take mi hat under | -|16| G || @ @ _Sighns ov a_ @ | mi arm, and jine the procession. | -|17| M || @ @ @ _thaw_ | | -|18| T || _it duz thaw_ @ @ @ | * * * * * | -|19| W || @ @ Gulliver | | -|20| T || @ returns @ | Debt is a trap, which a man | -|21| F || from his @ @ | sets, and baits himself, and then | -|22| S || @ travels @ 1700 @ | deliberately gets into,--and | -|23| G || @ @ now harvest | ketches a kursid phool. | -|24| M || yure @ snow @ @ | | -|25| T || @ _blustering_ @ bull @| * * * * * | -|26| W || frogs quiet @ @ | | -|27| T || @ @ @ John @ @ | Angels handle the dice when | -|28| F || Smith @ born @ | doublets are thrown in the cradle. | -|29| S || @ @ @ for the | | -|30| G || fust time @ 485 @ | | -|31| M || | | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ - - - - -_FEBUARY MONOGRAPH._ - -This month haz but 28 days, the extreme kold weather that prevails haz -puckered up the month. Once in four years thare iz a big melt and then -the month swells, and haz 29 days. This month iz looked upon az -unpleasant, and it iz unpleasant for digging out woodchucks, but for -setting in front of the fire, and skinning apples, and snapping the -seeds at the galls, it kant be beat. The name ov this month is derived -from an old Chinese word (now lost) which means _condem kold_. - - -USEFUL HINTS TEW BOARDIN HOUSE KEEPERS. - -In buying roast beef, dont forgit, that roast beef, tew be bully, must -be tuff. - - * * * * * - -Be kerful how yu soke yure makrel, too mutch sokeing, takes the wear out -ov them. - - * * * * * - -In selekting a yung goose for yure table, dont forgit tew remember, that -the longer a goose has lived in this world, the more experience he will -hav, when he cums tew be chawed. - - * * * * * - -Keep a cow, and then the milk wont hav tew be watered but once. - - -28 Days. - -FEBRUARY. - -1870. - -Q.--What iz the best kure for lazyness? @ @ * @ # @ - -A.--Milking a cow on the run, and living on the milk. - - [Illustration] - - _Bring out yure bran nu cutter, - And git yure galls consent, - Then hitch up Dobbin, or sum other kruttur, - And let the animile went._ - -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -|@ | @ || _Prognostix._ | _SHAD SCALES._ | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -| 1| T || @ _Gusty_ @ _squalls_ @| | -| 2| W || St. @ Valentine @ | Fools are the whet stuns ov | -| 3| T || @ killed 270 @ | society. | -| 4| F || @ _more gusty_ | * * * * * | -| 5| S || Valentine @ @ | If a man haint got a well balanced | -| 6| G || waz @ Cupid's @ | head, i like tew see him | -| 7| M || @ Corresponding | part hiz hair in the middle. | -| 8| T || Secretary @ _snow_ @ | | -| 9| W || @ _storms still_ | * * * * * | -|10| T || _loafing_ @ _around_ @ | It iz a strange and lamentable | -|11| F || @ _the_ @ _sky_ @ Roger| fakt, that yu kant advance, nor | -|12| S || Sherman waz a @ | even inaugurate, a moral movement | -|13| G || shoemaker @ farmers | without the aid ov money--yu | -|14| M || @ will @ now @ | kan run a saw mill on credit, | -|15| T || @ sprinkle their | but yu kant run the gospel. | -|16| W || hay with brine @ @ | | -|17| T || @ and skratch their | * * * * * | -|18| F || pigs @ backs @ _snow_ | | -|19| S || @ _falls_ @ _in_ @ | When i waz yung, i used tew feel | -|20| G || _chunks_ @ now @ | good six days in two, but now i | -|21| M || trap for @ mice | am old, if I kan manage tew feel | -|22| T || @ @ and other | good two days in six, i think i am | -|23| W || furs @ pepper @ | doing fust rate. | -|24| T || sass fust diskovered | | -|25| F || @ 1496 _sighns ov a_ @ | * * * * * | -|26| S || @ _thaw_ Ben Franklin | Flattery iz like colone water, | -|27| G || waz a @ printer. | tew be smelt ov, not swallered. | -|28| M || | | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ - - - - -_MARCH MONOGRAPH._ - -This month derives her pedigree from the Danish verb "_Whizz_," which -means to blow, to wheeze, to snort, to pitch in endways, and crossways, -to shake winder blinds, to smash barn doors, to skare pigs, to brake -clothes lines, to make men sware, and wimmin balky. March iz principally -immense for wind, but whare it all cums from, and whare it all goes to, -are prize conumdrums which i kant untangle Dogs kreated this month -invariably hav the bark on. - - -_ATTENSHUN FARMERS._ - -Rathbun's "Old oaken bucket washing masheen." For washing, bleaching, -bileing, wringing, starching, blueing, hanging out, drieing, ironing, -marking, fluting, and folding clothes, this lovely masheen haz no -competitor in the male, or femail world. This iz the only masheen in the -western hemisphear, that takes the inside cloth oph from a man's back on -the keen jump, and puts it back agin, in 15 minnitts, washed, dried, -ironed, starched, the buttons sowed on, and the collar turned down. Ask -for Rathbun's Old oaken bucket washing masheen, and keep asking till yu -git it, and when yu hav got it, hug it tew yure buzzum. - - -31 Days. - -MARCH. - -1870. - -Q.--Will yu pleaze to define suicide? @ @ @ @ @ - -A.--Suicide iz cheating the doktors out ov a job. - - [Illustration] - - _Mend fences now, and diches dig, - Lay in some cow, and little pig, - For milk, and pork, - Iz what enables a man tew do a good square day's work._ - -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -|@ | @ || _Prognostix._ | _SARDINES._ | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -| 1| T || @ _Windy_ @ _winds_ @ | | -| 2| W || _with sighns_ @ @ @ | Thare is only one good substitute | -| 3| T || @ _ov_ @ _wind_ | for the endearments of a sister, | -| 4| F || "Sorosis" (@) fust | and that iz the endearments | -| 5| S || born @ @ 1206 born | ov sum other phellows sister. | -| 6| G || @ agin @ @ @ | | -| 7| M || 1868 @ _very_ @ _windy_| * * * * * | -| 8| T || _with_ @ @ _wind_ | Cheerfull old girls are the brides | -| 9| W || @ @ _gusts_ peach @ | maids ov society. | -|10| T || crop cut @ @ | | -|11| F || off az @ @ @ usual | * * * * * | -|12| S || Robinson @ Cruso | | -|13| G || @ @ died @ 1492 | About the meanest kritter thare | -|14| M || now yoke @ @ pigs | iz now travelling around on the | -|15| T || and geese @ @ | buzzum ov the earth, iz a bashfull | -|16| W || plant @ lobsters | hypokritt. | -|17| T || and @ @ lettiss for | | -|18| F || @ sallad _look_ @ _out_| * * * * * | -|19| S || @ _for_ @ _wind_ | I hope I shall never hav so | -|20| G || count @ @ yure @ | mutch reputashun, that i shant | -|21| M || @ cockroaches @ | feel obliged tew be civil. | -|22| T || and see if @ @ enny | | -|23| W || @ hav bin @ mislaid | | -|24| T || congress @ @ | The biggest phool in this world | -|25| F || adjourns @ less @ | hazn't been born yet. | -|26| S || wind _sour_ @ _and_ | | -|27| G || _cold_ a @ @ good @ | * * * * * | -|28| M || @ @ time @ to | | -|29| T || trade off @ @ | Natur is just az honest az a | -|30| W || a mule @ @ | cow. | -|31| T || | | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ - - - - -_APRIL MONOGRAPH._ - - "April, dear April, chuck full ov charms, - Cum, cum, oh cum, tew mi arms," - -thus warbled the poet, more than twelve thousand years ago, and he knew -his bizz, he had the right sting in him, he want none ov yure pedigree -poets, nor dispepshee poets, nor whiskee poets. - -Dandylions planted this month are almost sure tew hed out, so are tud -stools, so are hed cheeze. This month iz also helthy for planting -onions, onions are a luxury, and are good for a bad breth, or are bad -for a good breth, i hav forgot which, but either way iz right. - - -_VALUABEL ADVICE TEW YUNG SPORTSMEN._ - -☛ In fishing for musketoze dont wait for them tew bite the seckond time. - -☛ The best bait for bed bugs, iz tew sleep three in a bed. - -☛ The best mark for target praktiss iz an old maskuline goose, one goose -will last yu for five years shooting, and when he finally gits struck -with lightning, and begins tew perish, yu kan melt him up, and git out -the lead. - -☛ The best kind ov a spear, for bullfrogging, iz a four tined dung fork, -when you git the tines all full, shoulder the fork, and put for home. - - -30 Days. - -APRIL. - -1870. - -Q.--How long kan a goose stand on one leg? - -A.--Try it,----that's the way the goose found out. - - [Illustration] - - _Jethro Sparks cum tew town, - Athwart a kussid mule, - He wound hiz ears around hiz nek, - And called him April Phule._ - -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -|@ | @ || _Prognostix._ | _EMBERS ON THE HARTH._ | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -| 1| F || _Showery_ @ _expekt_ @ | He whom the good praze, and | -| 2| S || @ _rain_ @ stern | the wicked hate, ought tew be | -| 3| G || winter iz @ @ @ | satisfied with hiz reputashun. | -| 4| M || o'er @ sow peas @ | | -| 5| T || and plant lambs @ | * * * * * | -| 6| W || now @ Washington | | -| 7| T || waz the @ father @ | The less a man knows, the | -| 8| F || @ ov hiz @ (country) | more he will guess at, and guessing | -| 9| S || @ _wet rain_ @ @ | iz nothing more than suspicion. | -|10| G || Washington @ when | | -|11| M || a little boy had @ @ | * * * * * | -|12| T || @ @ a little @ @ | | -|13| W || ax @ @ _gentle_ | It is a statistikal fakt, that the | -|14| T || @ _showers_ @ @ with | wicked work harder tew reach | -|15| F || which he @ @ | Hell, than the righteous do tew | -|16| S || @ @ tomahawked | git to heaven. | -|17| G || a tree @ _sighns ov_ | | -|18| M || @ _moisture_ but @ @ | * * * * * | -|19| T || when @ asked @ | | -|20| W || @ if he did the tree | When i git thoroughly ritch, the | -|21| T || cut @ _big rain_ @ he | fust thing i intend to do, iz tew | -|22| F || @ @ owned the | bekum respektabel. | -|23| S || korn @ @ lager | | -|24| G || beer diskovered @ | * * * * * | -|25| M || @ not to be @ @ | | -|26| T || intoxicating @ @ @ | Men generally, when they whip | -|27| W || 1845 @ pattent taken | a mule, sware, the mule remembers | -|28| T || out @ now dig @ | the swaring, but forgits the | -|29| F || for umbrellers @ @ | licking. | -|30| S || | | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ - - - - -_MAY MONOGRAPH._ - -May iz the belle ov the year, she haz worn the belt for five thousand -years. If May hadn't hav been a sensible girl, she would hav bin spilte -long ago with poetry and stanzy. But she is an independant kritter, and -dont care one kuss for stanzy. This iz an eazy month tew fall in love, -our naturs are now fully thawd out, after the late kold snap, and like a -little melted brook, begin tew look around, tew find another little -melted brook tew mix with. Oh! how precious and delightsum it iz to mix. -Hive bees during this month, if yu hav got sum, if not, hive sumboddy -else's. - - -_PATTENTS ISSUED DURING 1869._ - -Feb. 1st. To Ambrose Griddle, Esq., a pattent for a hen's egg, which -beats the natral egg for awl purposes, except, cooking, hatching, and -eating. - - * * * * * - -April 13th. To Ezra Push, Jun., a pattent for a one wheeled velosipede. -This wise instrumentality haz two handles tew it, and iz purswaded by -taken hold ov the handles, and walking between them with a shove moshun. -If it wasn't a velosipede, it would be an old fashioned wheelbarrow. - - * * * * * - -March 10th. To David Gibson, for a pattent goose yoke. These yokes are -packed in cotton wool, and sent bi express all over the face ov the -earth, they are sudden tew yoke a goose with, and no goose should be -without one. - - - [Illustration] - - I thank the Lord that thare iz one thing in this world - that money kant buy, and that iz,--the wag ov a dogs tail.= - - Yure Unkle, Josh Billings - - - [Illustration] - - The infidel argys just az a Bull duz chained to a post, - he bellows, and paws, but he don't git loose from the post i notiss.= - - Not mutch, Josh Billings - - -31 Days. - -MAY. - -1870. - -Q.--What will yu compare old maids to? @ @ @ - -A.--Embers on the harth, from which the sparks have fled. @ @ @ @ @ - - [Illustration] - - _The Rooster now with burstin thrut, - Proklaims the rozy morn, - And cacklin hens are telling us, - Another egg is born._ - -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -| @| @ || _Prognostix._ | _RAMRODS._ | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -| 1| G || @ "Physician @ | | -| 2| M || heal thyself," @ @ | Piety iz like beans, it seems tew | -| 3| T || @ big joke @ | do the best on a poor sile. | -| 4| W || @ on physician @ | | -| 5| T || now @ plant @ @ @ | | -| 6| F || @ corn @ for early | | -| 7| S || whiskey @ _showers_ | About the hardest thing a | -| 8| G || _with sun_ (@) | phellow kan do, iz tew spark | -| 9| M || _in them_ @ spring | two girls at onst, and preserve a | -|10| T || @ haz cum @ @ | good average. | -|11| W || adorned like @ | | -|12| T || @ a bride @ | | -|13| F || _sighns_ @ _ov_ | | -|14| S || @ _rain_ @ brides | I had rather be a seed cowcumber, | -|15| G || alwus create a @ @ | flung up on a wood pile, | -|16| M || @ @ @ sensashun | tew ripen, than tew be an old | -|17| T || @ _thunder_ @ | bachelor. | -|18| W || _mixed with_ @ @ | | -|19| T || _rain_ @ it iz more | | -|20| F || @ diffikult tew @ | | -|21| S || be a bride @ | Better leave yure children | -|22| G || @ than a brides @ | virtew, than money, but this is | -|23| M || maid @ babes | a sekret known only to a few. | -|24| T || @ @ in the @ @ | | -|25| W || woods diskovered @ | | -|26| T || @ @ 1626 @ @ @ | | -|27| F || @ harvest | | -|28| S || cowslops for @ @ | Going tew law, iz like skinning | -|29| G || greens @ @ eggs | a nu milk cow for her hide, and | -|30| M || @ plenty-- | giving the beef tew the lawyers. | -|31| T || | | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ - - - - -_JUNE MONOGRAPH._ - -June iz twin sister tew May, lacking a month. She iz named after Juno, -the spouze ov Jupiter, and she waz a stirring woman. June iz the mother -of rozes and milk. June iz the stepmother of good gras butter, she iz -also grate granmother ov Bakon and Spinnage. June iz a praktikal gusher, -and i love tew stand one side, and let her gush,--i hav made it a rule -never tew git in the way ov a gush ov enny kind,--i say tew everything, -gush! oh, gush! - - -_WORDS TEW HOUSEWIFES._ - -To make a cheap soup, take 5 drops ov good strong onion juice, add 2 -gall's ov water, bile 10 minnitts karefully, and seazon with a couple ov -phatt cockroches. - - * * * * * - -To make a hoe kake, take a hoe and bile it tew a thin jell, and -then,--let her kake - - * * * * * - -Tew skin a Eel, turn him inside out, and remove the meat with a Jack -plane - - * * * * * - -Tew make a hen lay 2 eggs a day, reazon with her; if that dont dew, -threaten to chastize her if she dont. - - * * * * * - -Tew learn yure offspring to steal, make them beg hard for all that yu -giv them. - - -30 Days. - -JUNE. - -1870. - -Q.--Whi are robbers like rain? @ @ @ @ - -A.--Bekauze they fall on the just and the unjust. - - [Illustration] - - _Now bate yure hook, and find a brook, - Where water runs the fasstest, - Thare lays the trout, jist jerk him out, - And chuck him in yure basket._ - -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -|@ | @ || _Prognostix._ | _OATS._ | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -| 1| W || _At times warm_ @ _at_ | | -| 2| T || @ @ _other times_ | The time tew be karefullest iz | -| 3| F || @ _warmer_ @ @ | when we hav a hand full ov | -| 4| S || muskeeters @ @ @ | trumps. | -| 5| G || @ _8_ looking for a | | -| 6| M || job @ @ Sinbad | * * * * * | -| 7| T || the sailor @ | Old dorgs nuss their grudges, | -| 8| W || @ wrecked @ | but yung purps fite, and then | -| 9| T || @ 1385 _hot sighns_ | frolick. | -|10| F || _ov warm_ @ @ | | -|11| S || _weather 8_ straw | * * * * * | -|12| G || berrys @ 25 | | -|13| M || cents a quart @ | Mother!--The holy thoughts, | -|14| T || @ @ strawberrys | and memorys, that cluster around | -|15| W || large, quarts small @ | this name, can never be so well | -|16| T || @ _showers_ @ @ | expressed, az in the calm utterance | -|17| F || _with_ @ @ _rain_ @ @ | ov the name itself. | -|18| S || remember the @ | | -|19| G || poor natur @ @ | * * * * * | -|20| M || grows @ Old | | -|21| T || @ Grimes died | I thank the Lord for one thing, | -|22| W || 1785 @ he had | that the hardest word in enny | -|23| T || @ a good old _8_ | language tew say, iz--No! | -|24| F || @ soul @ _dark_ | | -|25| S || _nights_ @ mint | * * * * * | -|26| G || juleps in @ @ | | -|27| M || market @ @ fakts | I had ratner undertaik tew be | -|28| T || @ are stubborn @ | two good Doves, than one decent | -|29| W || things @ so be mules | sarpent. | -|30| T || | | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ - - - - -_JULY MONOGRAPH._ - -July iz the sixth month, which ackounts for its being so near the middle -ov the year. It derives its name from "Julos" a hot old phellow, who -settled near the equator, at an early day, and kept every boddy in hiz -naberhood, in a profound swett. July haz menny features ov _interest_, -the _principle_ one ov which, iz, the payment ov semi-annual _interest_, -by most ov the banks, on the fust day ov the month, upon their -_principal_. This iz a fine old custom, and i hope it will be kept up, -for i own a leetle bank stock, and take sum _interest_ in the -_principle_. - - -_A NEW TOOL._ - -"_Rogers grate western hoss rake._" - -John Rogers revolving, expanding, uncerimonius, self-adjusting, -self-contrakting, self-sharpening, self-greasing, and self-righteous -Hoss Rake, iz now, and forever, offered tew a generous publik. Theze -rakes are az eazy tew keep in repair az a hitching post, and will rake -up a paper ov pins, sowed broad kast, in a ten aker lot ov wheat -stubble. Theze rakes kan be used in the winter for a hen roost, or be -sawed up into stove wood for the kitchen fire. No farmer, ov good moral -karakter, should be without this rake, not even if he haz to steal one. - - -31 Days. - -JULY. - -1870. - -Q.--Whare do the vain go tew when they die? - -A.--The barbers shop. @ - - [Illustration] - - _Young man!--let hornets be, and dont go nigh - The pizen snaik tew mutch. - For during the month ov Julii, - They aint helthy tew the tutch._ - -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -|@ | @ || _Prognostix._ | _DOUGH NUTS._ | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -| 1| F || @ @ _Mad dogs_ | | -| 2| S || _seen_ @ muzzle | I hav alwus notised one thing, | -| 3| G || yure @ _8_ | when a man gits in a tite spot, he | -| 4| M || @ children @ | dont never call on hiz friend the | -| 5| T || @ look out | Devil tew help him out. | -| 6| W || for a hotness @ @ | | -| 7| T || @ owe no @ | * * * * * | -| 8| F || man @ keep cool @ | | -| 9| S || _hail storm_ @ _hail_ | The man who haz just found | -|10| G || @ @ _stones_ @ @ | out that he kant afford tew burn | -|11| M || _weigh sevral_ @ | green wood, haz taken hiz fust | -|12| T || _tons_ @ @ that | lesson in econemy. | -|13| W || iz all @ @ @ | | -|14| T || that fell @ _the_ | * * * * * | -|15| F || @ _hot iz more_ @ @ @ | I think now if I had all the | -|16| S || _hot 8_ @ @ saw | money that iz due me i would | -|17| G || @ horses begin @ | invest it in a saw mill,--and let | -|18| M || tew pant @ @ | her rip. | -|19| T || @ _wet shower_ @ | | -|20| W || @ @ _more_ @ @ @ | * * * * * | -|21| T || @ _warm_ @ | | -|22| F || @ @ a penny | A good wife iz a sweet smile | -|23| S || saved iz @ @ | from heaven. | -|24| G || @ worth @ two _8_ | | -|25| M || lost @ @ pray | * * * * * | -|26| T || for ice @ @ | | -|27| W || @ @ flys lively | A big noze iz sed to be a sighn | -|28| T || @ now harvest | ov genius,--if a mans genius lays | -|29| F || rye for @ _8_ | in hiz noze, i should say the sighn | -|30| S || whiskee @ @ | waz a good one. | -|31| G || | | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ - - - - -_AUGUST MONOGRAPH._ - -This month, for sum reazon, haz got a hot way ov doing things. Awl natur -unties her corsets and loafs bi the side ov brooks, with stockingless -feet, tew ketch the cool words ov singing waters, and watch the bubles -ov sweet, that rize on the noze ov the green frog, az they set down on -themselfs, on the moss upholstered stones. - -Butter spreads itself freely during this month. Snakes slip eazy, and -Cupid crawls behind the shadder ov a dieing roze, and shutes hiz gun at -the galls, and boys. - - -_THINGS WORTH KNOWING._ - -Tew milk a kicking cow, stand oph about 10 foot, and holler "_So I_ darn -you." - - * * * * * - -Tew make light bread, do az the bakers do,--call 9 ounces a pound. - - * * * * * - -Tew make oxtale soup, bile an ox in a pot, and let the caudel -continuation hang over the edge ov the pot and drip. - - * * * * * - -Tew git at the solid kontents ov yure wife's tongue, be verry sweet with -the new skool mom in yure distrikt. - - * * * * * - -Tew break a mule--commence at his head. - - -31 Days. - -AUGUST. - -1870. - -Q.--What iz the capacity ov an omnibus? @ @ - -A.--The same az a grave yard, it takes all that cums. @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ - - [Illustration] - - _Now chop doun oats. - And hew doun barley, - Rize with the sun, - And go tew bed arly._ - -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -|@ | @ || _Prognostix._ | _STUB ENDS._ | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -| 1| M || @ Expekt pack @ | | -| 2| T || pedlers @ @ _dry_ | A lie iz like a kat, it never | -| 3| W || _and hot_ @ ice | cums tew yu in a straight line. | -| 4| T || @ iz trumps @ | | -| 5| F || _great drouth_ @ | * * * * * | -| 6| S || auctioneers @ @ | | -| 7| G || @ dry @ | The longest lived thing i kno | -| 8| M || @ up @ Don' | ov, iz a nikname. | -| 9| T || Quixot fights @ | | -|10| W || a wind mill @ @ | * * * * * | -|11| T || 1342 @ gits | | -|12| F || whipped the @ | | -|13| S || @ fust round | Most men go through life az | -|14| G || @ honesty @ | rivers go tew the sea, bi following | -|15| M || iz the best @ | the lay ov the ground. | -|16| T || policy @ better | | -|17| W || @ than a life @ | * * * * * | -|18| T || @ insurance | | -|19| F || policy @ @ _uncommon_ | | -|20| S || @ _hot_ @ rag dolls | If I had a mule who wouldn't | -|21| G || perspire freely @ | neither kick, nor bite, i should | -|22| M || _rain with thunder_ * *| watch him dredful cluss till i | -|23| T || @ _heat increases_ | found out whare hiz malice did | -|24| W || @ _thermometors bile_ | lie. | -|25| T || _over_ @ Adam | | -|26| F || @ waz the @ | * * * * * | -|27| S || fust man @ | | -|28| G || _cooler_ @ @ that | The devil iz a mean kuss, he | -|29| M || @ @ kissed a | never keeps hiz own promises, | -|30| T || woman @ @ @ | but alwus makes us keep ours. | -|31| W || | | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ - - - - -_SEPTEMBER MONOGRAPH._ - -September iz named after "Septus" which thrashed out into Amerikan, -means seven. I wouldn't take 500 dollars for the latin i know, and i -don't kno mutch nuther. Sept. iz a lakadaisikal month, mello az the -dekayed side of a punkin, and as sensitive az a boarding school miss, -during her fust quarter in french. Natur makes her will this month--hogs -root violently--birds hold convenshuns, and adjourn down south--tree -toads boost each other up trees and warble sum anthems--katydids chew -musick and spit it out freely, and bull frogs post their books. - - -_MORE ADVICE TEW YOUNG SPORTSMEN._ - -In shooting at a deer that looks like a calf, always aim so az tew miss -it if it iz a calf, and to hit it if it iz a deer. - - * * * * * - -In fishing for krabs, use yure fingers for bait, yu kan feel them when -they fust bite. - - * * * * * - -Dont fire at a bumble bee on the wing, not till he settles, then take -good aim, and knok him endways. - - * * * * * - -In bobbing for Eels, use a raw potato, yu may not bag much Eels, but yu -kan bag a bob, that yu kan hand down tew yure ancestors untarnished. - - - [Illustration] - - Thare are but fu sights in this life, more sublime, and - pathetick than to see a poor, but virtiuous yung man, - struggling--with a mustash.= - - It iz thus, Josh Billings. - - - [Illustration] - - I hav seen men so fond ov argument, that they would - dispute with a guide board, at the forks ov a kuntry road, about the - distance to the next town.= - - What fools, Josh Billings - - -30 Days. - -SEPTEMBER. - -1870. - -Q.--How fast duz sound travel? @ @ @ @ - -A.--The sound ov a dinner horn travels one mile in a seckond. - - [Illustration] - - _This month pull flax, - And teeth that ake. - Lay in bees wax, - And emptins kake._ - -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -|@ | @ || _Prognostix._ | _OLD CHEEZE._ | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -| 1| T || _Limpsey weather_ @ | | -| 2| F || @ moon in perigree | Medicine haz cost the world | -| 3| S || @ @ Jim Crow | more than bread haz, and haz | -| 4| G || born 1836 @ now | killed more than it haz cured. | -| 5| M || @ @ dry apples | | -| 6| T || for sass @ _rain_ | * * * * * | -| 7| W || _threatnings_ @ money | Marriage tew a coquette iz | -| 8| T || tight @ @ fall | often, "letters ov marque and | -| 9| F || bonnets appear @ | reprisal." | -|10| S || @ @ they are | | -|11| G || ravishing @ @ | * * * * * | -|12| M || _cool_ @ @ to a 20 | | -|13| T || dollar bill @ | It iz very diffikult for a poor | -|14| W || @ now fish for @ | man tew be superior tew hiz fortune,| -|15| T || crabs @ _rain drizzle_ | and more diffikult for a rich | -|16| F || @ crabs bite with | one. | -|17| S || their feet @ _smoky_ | | -|18| G || _weather_ @ @ and | * * * * * | -|19| M || hang on like @ | Hunting after health, iz like | -|20| T || a poor relashun @ | hunting after fleas, the more yu | -|21| W || @ use cod @ | hunt, the more _flees_ you will | -|22| T || liver oil @ | find. | -|23| F || @ _more wet_ @ for | | -|24| S || greasing waggons @ | * * * * * | -|25| G || grate snake @ | The devil iz sed tew be the | -|26| M || seen at _8_ @ | "father ov lies," if this iz so, he | -|27| T || Nuport 1820 @ 12 | haz got a numerous family, and | -|28| W || miles long @ Venus | sum very promising children | -|29| T || @ an evening star @ | amungst them. | -|30| F || | | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ - - - - -_OCTOBER MONOGRAPH._ - -October iz one ov the fall months, Adam iz sed tew hav fell this month, -but sich assershuns are like standing oph a half a mile, in a cloudy -day, and guessing at the number ov fleas on a dorg, more sincere, than -sartain. The strongest attrakshun for me, in this month, iz her natral -cider; the man who don't admire good natral cider, must be a condem -phool. - -Prepare for a hard winter during this month, bi repenting ov yure sins, -and gitting up a good big wood pile. - - -_PECK'S CHURN, AND BRISTOW'S SOWING MASHEEN._ - -Theze churns are the pride ov invenshun, the genius ov improvement, a -viktory over time, and a conquest ov labor. They will fetch butter from -cream in 2 seckonds, from milk in 2 minnitts, and from water, inside ov -a very short time. Better be without a spellin book, or even a pack of -kards, in a growing family, than not tew hav one ov Peck's Churns. Peck -iz a philanthropist, every housewife in the world, should put on a clean -white apron, hold up both hands on high, and shout, Bully!! oh! Bully! -for Peck. - - * * * * * - -Buy Bristow's double-thread, cross-stitch, rivet-seam, dovetail-hemmer, -lighting-movement, krank-moshun sowing masheen. Theze masheens took all -the premiums at the late lamented Paris imposishun, and one ov them, -which waz sent tew a farmer in Tiogy county last fall, on trial, sowed -up the whole family in a hard not, in less than three days, besides -sowing fourteen acres of winter rye. - - -31 Days. - -OCTOBER. - -1870. - -Q.--Will you pleaze to state what lies are? @ @ - -A.--Lies are the grease on the snaiks belly. @ - - [Illustration] - - _The yello korn now scents the gale, - And harvest boys the milk maids wake, - With matin songs, in praizes of, - Hasty puddin, and Johnny kake._ - -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -|@ | @ || _Prognostix._ | _BIRDS TRACKS._ | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -| 1| S || @ Jack Frost @ | | -| 2| G || born @ of | How menny people thare iz | -| 3| M || poor but honest | whoze souls hang in them, like | -| 4| T || @ @ parents @ now | the pith in a gooze quill. | -| 5| W || hunt for cider @ | | -| 6| T || @ moon in @ | * * * * * | -| 7| F || apogee @ @ | | -| 8| S || @ _air brittle_ @ | Opinyuns are like other kinds | -| 9| G || snakes hang @ | ov vegetables, worth jist what | -|10| M || @ up their sled | they will fetch. | -|11| T || _sighns a kold_ @ @ | | -|12| W || snap @ @ let her | * * * * * | -|13| T || snap @ @ begin | | -|14| F || yure promiskuss | When a man gits so reduced | -|15| S || sparking @ @ @ | that he kant help ennyboddy else, | -|16| G || @ @ knowledge iz | we then vote him a penshun for | -|17| M || power @ pumpkin | the rest ov hiz life, by calling him| -|18| T || pies begin @ | a _poor devil_. | -|19| W || tew loaf @ @ | | -|20| T || around @ @ | * * * * * | -|21| F || @ Bonaparte | | -|22| S || crosses the | A lie repented ov bekums the | -|23| G || rine @ @ _keen_ | truth. | -|24| M || _but cold_ @ now | | -|25| T || butcher hens | * * * * * | -|26| W || @ @ @ for | | -|27| T || thanksgiving @ | I had rather be married tew an | -|28| F || @ @ _frosty_ @ lay | unabridged Webster's diktionary, | -|29| S || in yure | than tew an unabridged literary | -|30| G || @ winter clams @ | woman. | -|31| M || | | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ - - - - -_NOVEMBER MONOGRAPH._ - -Everyboddy wants tow be sassy at November--to turn her the cold -shoulder--tew nuss all their old akes anew--tew look az sour az a -pot-bellyed pickle--tew hunt for a kat's tale tew step at,--but i aint! -November iz when i harvest mi happiness, when i gather into mi pious -korn krip, the moral sowing ov the whole year. I am only sorry for one -thing during the month ov November, and that iz, that i am sich a poor, -weak, unsartin, sinnerly cuss, and that mi nabers aint much better than -i am. - - -_SUM MORE HINTS TEW BOARDIN-HOUSE KEEPERS._ - -1st. If your boarders take sugar, and milk, in their kaughphy, dont put -in mutch sugar, bekauze yu kno they hav milk, and dont put in but little -milk, bekauze they hav sugar. - - * * * * * - -2d. Bukwheat kakes made out ov wheat bran kost less, and soak up -molasses more carefully. - - * * * * * - -3d. In negotiating for sassige, do yure bizzness with the bolony men, -then you kno what yu are gitting yu kant alwus tell what country sassige -kontains. - - * * * * * - -4th. Be kind tew cockroaches, for they often make a plate of butter last -a whole week, and when you pray, alwus pray for the light eaters. - - -30 Days. - -NOVEMBER. - -1870. - -Q.--What iz the eazyest vittles tew digest? @ - -A.--A good joke. @ @ @ - - [Illustration] - - _Pick apples now, and cider make, - And in a barrel juice it, - Then git a straw, without a flaw, - And through the straw seduce it._ - -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -|@ | @ || _Prognostix._ | _SHOE PEGS._ | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -| 1| T || _Sour cold_ @ a | | -| 2| W || @ @ stampede in | A debt iz alwus a growing, if | -| 3| T || Brigham (@) | it dont gro in size, it grows in | -| 4| F || Youngs family @ | heft. | -| 5| S || @ _more cold_ @ he | | -| 6| G || suddenly bekums @ | * * * * * | -| 7| M || unwedded @ _more_ | There iz lots ov folks in the | -| 8| T || [@@] _sour_ @ for a | world, who covet misfortins jist | -| 9| W || large () amount | for the luxury ov grunting. | -|10| T || _rain_ @ and iz | | -|11| F || @ left a 75 hoss | * * * * * | -|12| S || power widdower @ | | -|13| G || @ _clammy and raw_ | Hope iz a draft on fewturity, | -|14| M || Brigham burys @ | sumtimes honored, but generally | -|15| T || himself in @ | extended. | -|16| W || weeds @ _blustering_ | | -|17| T || @ at the bottom ov @ | * * * * * | -|18| F || his garden patch @ | Prosperity makes phools, and | -|19| S || @ _cold with sourness_ | adversity cures them. | -|20| G || Brother Brigham | | -|21| M || rallys @ _sighns ov_ | * * * * * | -|22| T || _snow_ @ he iz sealed | | -|23| W || seven times in one | A dandy iz one ov Fashion's | -|24| T || day @ @ _sour_ | Eunuchs. | -|25| F || _with wetness_ @ @ | | -|26| S || * sealing wax | * * * * * | -|27| G || advances 10 @ @ | If yu want a true friend, hire | -|28| M || [*] cents on a stick | him bi the month, and pay him | -|29| T || now chop wood @ | fair wages. | -|30| W || | | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ - - - - -_DECEMBER MONOGRAPH._ - -This iz the last month in the Josh Billings Farmers Alminax. Other -dutys, ov a maskuline natur hav forced us tew haul in our gang plank. We -would like tew hav hung on a month or two longer, and made a big thing -ov it. Dear Reader we must part, and it iz like pulling angleworms out -ov their holes, almost sure tew part the angleworms. I shall think ov yu -az long az i liv, please tew resiprokate, when yu remember me, by -uttering a tear. I hav taken a kontrakt tew remove the muskeeters from -the State ov Nu Jersee, west of the Rocky Mountains, tew their new -reservashun, and i am anxious tew git the bulk ov them started before -they thaw out. I may lose mi life in the undertakin, but i have bin told -by good judges, that it is sweet tew die for ones country. I kant tell -whether this iz so or not, i never tried it. Good bye, this kussid -muskeeter kontrakt iz wearing on me. - - -_FAMILY MEDICINE._ - -_Joel Biggs' Sticking Salve._ - -A thing well stuck, iz stuck forever. -This salve will stick enny man. -It will undoubtedly stick the "coming man." -It haz stuck every man that haz cum yet. -No family should be without this matchless sticker. -(Unless they are too much stuck up allreddy.) -It iz put up in sticks twenty feet long, -To stick a man at a distance. - - -31 Days. - -DECEMBER. - -1870. - -Q.--Let us hear yu define water? @ @ @ @ @ - -A.--Water iz,----iz goose bitters. @ @ @ @ @ - - [Illustration] - - _Pile hi the harth, with beechen wood, - Load down the kitchen table, - Fill up the old klay pipe, - And go it while yure able._ - -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -|@ | @ || _Prognostix._ | _GOOD BYES._ | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -| 1| T || @ @ _Cold_ @ @ | | -| 2| F || _snow_ now @ @ | I thank God most fervently for | -| 3| S || inflate sassige @ | one thing, and that iz, when | -| 4| G || "Necessity iz the | everyboddy else iz happy, i am | -| 5| M || @ () mother ov | sure to be. | -| 6| T || invenshun" @ @ | | -| 7| W || @ _more snow_ @ @ | * * * * * | -| 8| T || invenshun waz born | | -| 9| F || in Nu England @ | Love iz sed tew be blind, but i | -|10| S || @ _cold_ @ Plymouth | kno lots ov phellows in love, who | -|11| G || rock discovered @ | kan see twice az mutch in their | -|12| M || 1620 @ punch fires | sweethearts as i kan. | -|13| T || @ @ Old Zip | | -|14| W || Coon died | * * * * * | -|15| T || 1840 @ _snow_ @ too | | -|16| F || much hard @ | | -|17| S || cider floored him @ | If yu want tew git a sure krop, | -|18| G || @ @ _bitter cold_ @ | and a big yield, sow wild oats. | -|19| M || @ Santy Claws | | -|20| T || created @ year | * * * * * | -|21| W || disputed @ thare | | -|22| T || iz menny a @ @ | | -|23| F || @ rose born tew @ | The chains ov slavery are none | -|24| S || blush unseen @ @ | the lighter for being made ov | -|25| G || @ espeshilly negroes | gold. | -|26| M || [-] _more colder_ [- | | -|27| T || 1870 dies @ | * * * * * | -|28| W || pile on the @ | | -|29| T || @ @ bedclothes ¶ @ | In youth we run into difikultys, | -|30| F || good night @ @ @ @ @ | in old age, difikultys run into us. | -|31| S || | | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ - - - - -_EXTRA EKLIPSES FOR THE YEAR 1870._ - - -There will be eklipses this year which have been overlooked by other -Allminax makers. - - * * * * * - -_First._--Thare will be semiockasional eklipses ov the moon, kauzed bi -brandy smashes gitting between that virtewous and pale old woman, and -the eyes ov sum ov our most promising young men. - - * * * * * - -_Second._--There will be a few eklipses ov the Son, kauzed bi the old -gentleman cutting oph the supplys ov Charles Fitz Henry Augustus. (Bully -for the old gentleman.) - - * * * * * - -_Third._--Thare will be domestik eklipses (visibel only tew the naked -eye) kauzed bi the new Comet Sorosis jumping out ov her pasture, and -cantering around promiskuss. - - * * * * * - -_Fourth._--Thare will be teetotal eklipse during the whole of the _Year -1870_, ov all other Allminax, throughout the earth, upper and lower -kanada, and sum parts ov Nu Jersee, kauzed bi the immense circulashun ov -the JOSH BILLINGS' FARMERS' ALLMINAX. - - - - -Pordunk Valley Rail Road. - -RULES, BY-LAWS, AND REGULASHUNS. - - -1. Conduktors are positively forbid trieing tew pass each other on a -single track. - -2. Passengers are warned ov the great danger ov standing on the -platforms,--menny a promising man haz lost hiz life by having a platform -drop from under him. - -3. Positively no droves ov cattle or swine allowed on this road unless -they are travelling the same direckshun the trains are. - -4. Engineers are earnestly requested tew keep their cow ketchers well -greased, and will bear in mind that when a cow iz ketched the hide -belongs tew them; but the beef and tallo iz tew be sent immejiately tew -the president of the road. - -5. Enny switchman running a train oph from the trak will be find 10 -dollars, and interest on the fine at the rate of 4 per cent per annum -untill the fine iz paid. - -6. No konduktor iz invited tew remain on this road 10 minnits who hasn't -heard ov the 10 commandments, espeshily the one which sez "_thou shalt -not spondulick thyself with the dimes ov another_." - -7. No charges made on this road for coroners' inquests. - - - - -HOW THEY DO TALK - -ABOUT - -Josh Billings' Farmer's Allminax - -FOR THE YEAR 1870. - - -"Giv me liberty, or giv me deth, but if i kant hav either, giv me Josh -Billings' allminax for 1870." - - * * * * * - -"It kured mi wife ov wanting to die." - - * * * * * - -"It iz like peper sass in a hot day." - - * * * * * - -"The Billings Allminax will go father in a family than 12 dozen ov -ginger popp." - - * * * * * - -"When i am sad and lonely, i fli tew its pages, like a bumblebee tew a -full blown dandylion." - - * * * * * - -"It gave me grate presence ov mind." - - * * * * * - -"My wife brings up her ophspring, and duz all her plain sowing bi yure -allminaxes." - - * * * * * - -"How cooling, and perforating it iz." - - - - -_THE NATRAL HORNET_ - -The hornet iz a red hot child ov natur, ov sudden impreshuns, and a -sharp konklusion. The hornets alwus fites at short range, and never argy -a case, they settle all ov their disputes bi letting their javelin fly, -and are az certain, and az anxious tew hit, az a mule iz. Hornets bild -their nest whereever they take a noshun to, and seldum are asked to -move, for what would it profit a man tew murder 99 hornets, and have the -one hundred one hit him with hiz javelin. I kan't tell you jist tew a -day how long a hornet kan live, but I kno from experience, that every -bug, be he hornet or sumboddy else, who iz mad all the time, and stings -every good chance he kan git, generally outlives all ov his nabors. - - -_DOMESTIK RECEIPTS._ - -To make good ginger-snaps, take one pound of ginger, stir in a half -dozen ov lively snaps, do them to a brown, and then lock them up, or the -yung ones will hook them. - - * * * * * - -To learn a dog tew follow well, tie him tew the hind end ov an express -train. - - * * * * * - -To find out whether a man has got a good moral karakter or not, ask him -pleasantly. - - * * * * * - -To cure herring,--use Godfrey's Kordial. - - -_THE PROMISCUSS COCKROACH._ - -The Cockroach iz a bug at large. He iz one ov the luxurys ov -civilizashun. The Cockroach iz born on the fust ov May, and the fust ov -November semi-annually, and iz reddy for use in fifteen days from date. -They are born four from each egg, and consequently they are all twins; -thare iz no sich thing in the annals ov natur, az a single cockroach. -Their food seems to consist, not so mutch ov what they eat, az what they -kan git into, and often finding them ded, in the soup, at mi boarding -house, I have cum tew the painful conclushun, that the cockroach kan't -swim, but that he kan float for a long time. - - -_HINTS TEW YUNG WIFES._ - -1. Don't undertake tew liv with yure mother-in-law, but if wuss cums tew -a wussness, let yure mother-in-law liv with yu. - - * * * * * - -2. Never let yure husband kno more than one haff the affeckshun yu hav -for him. - - * * * * * - -3. Don't name a yung one after a bachelor brother, nor a bachelor -sister. - - * * * * * - -4. Observe theze rules fondly, keep yure feet dri, and yure hair slick, -and yu will prove a model wife, (and after that), an acceptable widder. - - - [Illustration] - - I notiss one thing,--the man who rides on the kars every - day, iz satisfied with one seat, but he who rides once a year, wants - 4.= - - That's so. Josh Billings - - - [Illustration] - - The man whom yu kant git to write poetry, or tell the - truth, untill yu git him haff drunk aint worth the investment.= - - No sir. Josh Billings - - -31 Days. - -JANUARY. - -1871. - -Q.--Who waz the best dead beat? @ @ - -A.--Cain: he dead beat his brother Abel. @ @ - - [Illustration] - - _He who by the plough would thrive, - Must no 2 forty kattle drive, - But worry the ground to and fro, - With horned kritters who skasely seem to go._ - -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -|@ | @ || _History._ | _HASH ON TOAST._ | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -| 1| G || @ _Grate cold_ @ @ | | -| 2| M || Adam born @ @ | All the good injuns die young. | -| 3| T || _cold grows_ @ | | -| 4| W || @ @ Adam had no | * * * * * | -| 5| T || mother [@] @ | Mankind love misterys, a hole | -| 6| F || @ _simptoms ov a_ | in the ground excites more wonder | -| 7| S || _thawness_ @ bi | than a star up in heaven. | -| 8| G || industry we thrive | | -| 9| M || _it looks like snow_ | * * * * * | -|10| T || Eve born @ _8_ | | -|11| W || _i shouldn't wonder_ | Jist about az cerimonys creep | -|12| T || _if it did snow_ | into one end ov a church, piety | -|13| F || Eve waz a | backs out at the other. | -|14| S || success @ @ @ | | -|15| G || grate sassige riot | * * * * * | -|16| M || in 1612 @ @ | | -|17| T || now haul ice @ @ | Blessed are they who hav no | -|18| W || 50,000 sassige | eye for a key hole. | -|19| T || destroyed @ _a thaw_ | | -|20| F || _threatens_ @ Adam | * * * * * | -|21| S || waz a confiding man | Don't mistake vivacity for wit, | -|22| G || thaw more threatensome | thare iz about az mutch difference | -|23| M || @ he took | az thare iz between lightning and | -|24| T || the chances § | a lightning bug. | -|25| W || _colder_ @ @ @ | | -|26| T || and got badly beat | * * * * * | -|27| F || @ @ _mercury_ | | -|28| S || @ _an inch_ @ @ | A coquett in love iz az tame az | -|29| G || belo zero @ @ | a bottle ov ginger pop that haz | -|30| M || @ @ beware of the | stood sum time with the corck | -|31| T || gout @ @ @ @ | pulled out. | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ - - - - -_THE UNIVERSAL SWINE._ - -The Swine, (almost always) hav four legs, tho thare iz sum remarkable -exceptshuns to this rule. Swine are good quiet boarders; they alwus eat -what is sot before them, and don't ask enny phoolish questions. The -Swine kan be larnt a great menny amusing things, sich az highsting the -front gate oph from the hinges, and finding a hole in the fence to git -into the cornfield, but it iz dredful hard work for them tew find the -same hole tew git out at, espeshily if yu are in a hurry to hav them. -This haz never bin fully explained, but speaks vollums for the swine. -Swine can all root well, a swine that kant root well, iz a poor job. - - -_HINTS TEW YUNG HUSBANDS._ - -1. Marriage iz a fair transackshun on the face of it. - - * * * * * - -2. Sum marry for buty, and never diskover their mistake; this iz lucky. - - * * * * * - -3. Sum marry for pedigree and feel big for six months, and then cum tew -the conklusion, that pedigree aint no better than skim-milk. - - * * * * * - -4. Sum marry tew pleaze their relashuns and are surprized that their -relashuns don't kare a cuss for them afterwards. - - * * * * * - -5. Marry Yung!--thare iz but one good excuse for a marriage late in -life, and that iz,--a seckond marriage. - - -28 Days. - -FEBRUARY. - -1871. - -Q.--What iz the best thing out yet for real comfort? @ @ - -A.--An aking tooth. @ @ @ - - [Illustration] - - _Now gather round the kitchen fire, - And pile the chunks on hier and hier, - Git out the old fiddle and partners choose, - And shake her down in your cowhide shoes._ - -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -|@ | @ || _History._ | _CHICKEN SALLAD._ | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -| 1| W || @ @ How doth the | | -| 2| T || little bizzy bee @ | Thare iz one kritter in this | -| 3| F || _it snows_ @ @ @ | world whoze troubles yu kant | -| 4| S || sting evry good | console, and that is a setting hen. | -| 5| G || chance he kan git | | -| 6| M || now slaughter wood | * * * * * | -| 7| T || @ @ _hazy_ @ @ | Thare iz nothing like a sick | -| 8| W || Jo Smith created | bed for repentance, a man bekums | -| 9| T || @ 1818 @ | so virtewous he will often repent | -|10| F || sum snow at Montreal | ov sins that he never committed. | -|11| S || @ @ | | -|12| G || Jo Smith manufakterd | * * * * * | -|13| M || mormons @ | One ov the hardest things, for | -|14| T || _squally_ @ @ out of | enny man to do, iz tew fall down | -|15| W || phools @ @ | on the ice when it iz wet, and | -|16| T || @ virtew iz her own | then git up, and praze the Lord. | -|17| F || paymaster @ | | -|18| S || _bitter cold_ @ @ | * * * * * | -|19| G || Jo waz not a polly | Gravity iz no more posatiff | -|20| M || gamist @ @ | evidence ov wisdum, than a paper | -|21| T || @ @ _sum more_ | collar iz ov a shirt. | -|22| W || _coldness_ @ @ | | -|23| T || bully for Jo @ @ | * * * * * | -|24| F || grind stuns fust | | -|25| S || diskovered 1500 ¶ | Curiosity often gets a mouse | -|26| G || _raw but cold_ @ @ | into a trap,--jist so it duz other | -|27| M || @ whooping cough | folks. | -|28| T || iz ketching @ @ | | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ - - - - -_THE GRITTY ANGLEWORM_. - -Angleworms are ov earth, earthy, and crawl for a living. The angleworm, -tho full of grit, iz not quarrelsome. It is sed (by naturalists) that -angleworm ile, rubbed on the back ov the neck will cure a man ov lieing. -I don't beleave this, unless it kills the man. Death is the only safe -cure (that haz bin diskovered yet) for the falssehood disseaze. -Angleworms are used by sum people az an artikle ov diet--(to ketch fish -with). They are handy tew put onto a hook, and are dredful handy tew -take oph agin, az every wicked person knows who haz fished all day -Sunday for daice in a mill-pond. - - -_HOUSEKEEPER'S GUIDE._ - -To make boarding-house hash, take a little ov every thing, a good deal -ov nothing, and throw in a chunk ov sumthing; jam to a mux, cook over a -kold fire, season with hair pins, and sarve it up on the jump. - - * * * * * - -To bring up a child in the way he should go, travel that way yourself -once in a while. - - * * * * * - -To find the solid contents ov a mule's hind legg, feel ov it clussly. - - -31 Days. - -MARCH. - -1871. - -Q.--Who iz the coming man? - -A.--The female suffragist. - - [Illustration] - - _Dear girls and boys, take mi advice, - And don't go on the rotten ice; - For many a gal has fell chuck in, - And thus has ketched her final ducking._ - -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -| @| @ || _History_ | _CAPER SAUCE._ | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -| 1| W || _Streaks ov wind_ | Natur never makes enny blunders; | -| 2| T || @ haul in yure | when she makes a phool, | -| 3| F || close line @ @ | she means it. | -| 4| S || | | -| 5| G || @ _windy_ @ @ | * * * * * | -| 6| M || de gustibus non | | -| 7| T || et cetera @ @ | Thare iz sum pholks in this | -| 8| W || @ _skey overkast_ @ | world who spend their whole lives | -| 9| T || | a hunting after righteousness, and | -|10| F || ignorance iz bliss @ | kant find enny time tew praktiss | -|11| S || @ bring out yure | it. | -|12| G || geese @ @ @ | | -|13| M || @ _cold wind_ @ | * * * * * | -|14| T || | Human happiness iz like the | -|15| W || and let them March | Hottentot language, enny boddy | -|16| T || _windy windness_ | kan talk it well enuff, but thare | -|17| F || @ use Higinbottoms | aint but phew kan understand it. | -|18| S || | | -|19| G || pills @ @ @ | * * * * * | -|20| M || @ _wet rain_ @ | | -|21| T || they are az mild | Grate transgreshuns seem tew | -|22| W || az a juice harp @ | baptize themselfs,--if the Devil | -|23| T || John Rogers died | had only bin gilty ov pettit | -|24| F || 1683 @ @ | larceny, he never would hav bin | -|25| S || _sum more wind_ @ | heard ov agin. | -|26| G || he fell in the | | -|27| M || fire @ @ @ | * * * * * | -|28| T || @ _8_ now tap for | | -|29| W || maple sugar @ | I dont kno ov enny thing more | -|30| T || @ _hi winds_ @ @ | remorseless, on the face ov the | -|31| F || § life iz uncertain @ | earth, than 7 per cent interest. | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ - - - - -_THE BELLYCOSE GOAT._ - -The Goat iz a coarse wollen sheep, with a cracked voice and a sanguine -digestion. They had rather steal a rotten turnip out ov a garbage -barrell than cum honestly bi a peck ov oats. They strike from the hed -insted ov the shoulder, and are az likely tew hit the mark az a -bumblebee iz. They are faithfull kritters in the hour ov adversity, and -will stick tew a man az long az he lives in a shanty. They kan klimb -evrything but a greased pole, and are alwus poor in the boddy, but phatt -in the stummak. What they eat seems tew all go tew appetight. A phatt -Goat would be a literary curiosity. - - -_PREMIUMS._ - -_Awarded to Velosipede Riders in 1870._ - -To Abram Parsons, a premium ov 33-1/8 dollars for riding a velosipede -down the back stairs ov a gimnazium, and knocking out 18 ov hiz front -teeth, and distorting hiz noze. - - * * * * * - -To Nimrod Sturgiss, a copper medal with 9 dollars, and a nu pair ov dorg -skin gloves, for riding a velosipede into a mill-pond, and gitting -drowned. - - * * * * * - -To Marshall Peaboddy Smith, a puss ov 2 dollars, and a life membership -in the mackerel club, for riding a velosipede over a nu milch cow, and -splitting a telegraph pole from top tew bottom. - - -30 Days. - -APRIL. - -1871. - -Q.--Define the "fust impreshun." @ @ - -A.--A mother's kiss. @ @ @ @ @ - - [Illustration] - - _April phool was born this month, - A simpleton, but clever; - And tho 4000 years ov age, - He's just az big a phool az ever._ - -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -|@ | @ || _History._ | _SHRIMPS._ | -+---+--++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -| 1| S || @ _Liquid rain._ @ | A man with a very small head | -| 2| G || The violet iz | iz like a pin without enny, very | -| 3| M || blew * _showery_ @ | apt tew git into things beyond hiz | -| 4| T || hark! tis the | depth. | -| 5| W || noble bull | | -| 6| T || frog's voice @ @ | * * * * * | -| 7| F || _wet_ @ @ jews | Thare are menny people in this | -| 8| S || harps diskovered | world who are like flies, grate | -| 9| G || | bores without meaning it, or knowing| -|10| M || @ 1296 @ | it,--"shoo fly." | -|11| T || now plant | | -|12| W || gardin sass @ @ | * * * * * | -|13| T || @ Cupid born 95 | | -|14| F || _look out_ | Falling in luv iz like falling into | -|15| S || for some | molassis, sweet but dredful dobby. | -|16| G || _wetness_ @ @ | | -|17| M || Cupid is a lytle | * * * * * | -|18| T || cuss @ | | -|19| W || set out onions @ | When i see an old man marry a | -|20| T || _sumwhat wetty_ @ | yung wife, i consider him starting | -|21| F || @ now hath the | out on a bust, for i am reminded | -|22| S ||winter of our diskontent| ov the parable about mixing nu | -|23| G || @ _gentle_ | wine into old junk bottles. | -|24| M || _showers_ @ finally | | -|25| T || thawed out @ _look_ | * * * * * | -|26| W || _out for rain 8_ no | | -|27| T || kards @ _it duz rain_ | A lie iz like nitroglycerine, the | -|28| F || @ Daniel Lambert | best judges kant tell when it iz a | -|29| S || was very | going tew explode, and skatter a | -|30| G || phatt @ | muss. | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ - - - - -_THE MELODIUS CAT._ - -The cat hath been called a domestik animile but i never could tell -whyfore. All thare iz domestix about a cat iz, yu kant loze one; they -are as tuff to loze az a bad reputashun iz. Yu may send one out ov the -state done up neatly in a meal-bag, and the next morning yu will find -him along side ov the kitchen stove reddy tew be stepped on. They are az -sollum az Mozes, but az phull ov the devil as Judas Iskariott Esq. Thare -iz only one thing about a cat that i like, and that iz, they are very -reasonable; a little money, well put, will go a grate way in cats. Cats -are very plenty in this world just now I counted 18 from mi boarding -house windo, one moon lite nite last summer, and it want the best kind -ov a nite for cats neither. - - -_FAMILY NOSHUNS._ - -To pick out a tender goose, pinch him, and if he squeals, buy him. - -To make good sharp pickles, whittle oph both ends ov them tew a pint. - -To find how fur a frog kan jump, set a Frenchman to meazureing hiz -jumps. - -To git the affectashun out ov a man, make him sea sick, (when a man iz -sea sick he iz inclined tew thro up all phoolish things). - - - [Illustration] - - Thare iz nothing so hard for us to understand, and so eazy for others, - az that we hav fiddled our tune out.= - - Kindly yure. Josh Billings - - - [Illustration] - - Thare iz no man so poor but what he kan afford to keep one dog,--and i - hav seen them so poor, that they could afford to keep three.= - - J. Billings Esq - - -31 Days. MAY. 1871. - -Q.--What waz the name of Shakspear's dog? @ - -A.--Dog-Berry. @ @ @ @ - - [Illustration] - - _Now plant oats and gardin sass, - Yoke geese, and black snakes kill; - Set hens; set traps for thieving rats; - Set what you please, but don't set still_. - -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -|@ | @ || _History._ | _PICKLED TONGUE._ | -+--|---||------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -| 1| M ||@ Dandylions in | | -| 2| T || market @ _Soft | The man who kant find enny | -| 3| W || and barmy_ @ who | thing to do in this world, iz az bad| -| 4| T || will be queen @ | oph az a yerling heifer. | -| 5| F || @ @ of May @ | | -| 6| S || _mild_ @ it is hard | * * * * * | -| 7| G ||to tell [?] @ | | -| 8| M || @ Job waz a | I luv tew see an old person joyfull | -| 9| T ||pashunt man | but not kickuptheheelsfull. | -|10| W || _refreshing wet_ @ | | -|11| T || @ now ketch frogs | * * * * * | -|12| F || _warm wetness_ @ | | -|13| S || Job had biles @ _more | Don't lay enny certain plans | -|14| G || warmy_ @ tax | for the fewter, it iz like planting | -|15| M ||collektors | tuds and expekting tew raize | -|16| T || loafing | tudstools. | -|17| W || around @ now | | -|18| T || chew lettuce @ _hot_| * * * * * | -|19| F || @ _with rain_ @ | Thare iz no pashun ov the | -|20| S ||pole yuer beans @ | human harte, that promises so | -|21| G || @ _wind south_ | mutch, and pays so little az | -|22| M || @ Noah Webster | _revenge_. | -|23| T || waz a good speller | | -|24| W || @ _sudden rain_ @ | * * * * * | -|25| T || @ @ he had better | Thoze persons who spend all | -|26| F || spells than | their time watching their simptoms, | -|27| S || Billings @ _expekt | are the kind who _enjoy poor | -|28| G || rain sprinkles_ | health_. | -|29| M ||go in when it | | -|30| T ||rains @ | | -|31| W || | | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ - - - - -_THE BRINY CODFISH._ - -The codfish iz the fruit ov the oshun, which accounts for their being so -salt. They are good eating for a wet day; they are better than an -umbreller to keep a man dry. They want a good deal ov freshning before -they are eaten, and want freshning a good deal afterwards. - -If i can have plenty ov codfish for breakfast, i can generally manage -tew make the other two meals out of cold water. - - -(_Advertisement._) - -_MELKISIDEK BREWSTERS LIGHTNING ROD._ - -For drawing lightning, theze rods hav grate strength and endurance. - -They will draw litening from the uttermost parts ov the earth, or pull -it in two. - -Yu may bury one of theze rods 10 foot under ground, and litening will -hunt till it finds it. - -Yu mite az well undertake tew eskape natral deth, or a constable's -warrent, az tew eskape litening with one ov theze rods ov yure house. - -Buy one ov Melkisidek's rods, and if yu haint got enny house tew put it -on, you kan set it up at the forks ov the road, and steal all the -litening in the naberhood. - - -30 Days. JUNE. 1871. - -Q.--What iz a good "_counter irritant_"? @ @ - -A.--A young dri goods clerk. - - [Illustration] - - _In this month, more than all the rest, - Things seem tew jump their very best; - Carrots and yungones, purp and kitten, - Like Joner's gourd, are up, and gittin._ - -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -|@ | @ || _History._ | _PARSNIP STEW._ | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -| 1| T || @ Now hunt | A kicking cow never lets drive | -| 2| F ||for rozes @ | until just as the pail gets phull,--| -| 3| S || _warm hotness_ @ | it iz jiss so with sum mens | -| 4| G || @ the grasshopper | blunders. | -| 5| M ||iz a burden @ | | -| 6| T || @ _muggy wetness_ | * * * * * | -| 7| W ||natur grows @ @ | | -| 8| T || @ _hot_ @ | Whenever a minister haz | -| 9| F || @ let her grow @ | preached a sermon that pleazes | -|10| S ||now @ ho korn @ | the whole congregashun, he probably | -|11| G || _wet sighns_ @ | haz preached one that the | -|12| M || @ _ov more rain_ | Lord wont endorse. | -|13| T ||more grasshoppers | | -|14| W || born @ bet 10 | * * * * * | -|15| T ||dollars it will | | -|16| F ||rain @ | | -|17| S ||pride goes @ before | It aint mutch trubble tew bear | -|18| G ||a fall @ @ | the pain ov sumboddy else's lame | -|19| M || @ @ _exquisite | back, but tew hav the lame back | -|20| T || rains_ @ Jack and | onesself aint quite so stylish. | -|21| W ||Gill went up | | -|22| T ||the | * * * * * | -|23| F ||hill @ 1357 @ @ | | -|24| S || @ _hotter_ @ | The man who wont beleave | -|25| G ||Jack @ and Gill | enny thing he kant see, aint so | -|26| M ||cum down | wize az a mule, for they will kick | -|27| T ||the hill 1358 @ | at a thing in the dark. | -|28| W || @ now take it | | -|29| T || eazy @ | | -|30| F || | | -+------++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ - - - - -_THE FREQUENT FLY._ - -The fly iz not only a domestik critter, but a friendly one. How they git -born i don't kno, but i hav thought they didn't wait tew be born, but -come just az they am. Menny ov them are cut off in the flower of their -youth, and usefulness. Sum loze their lives by lighting too near the rim -ov a toad's mouth, and fall in when the toad gaps. Thousands find a -watery grave, bi gitting drowned,--in milk-cans. Flys morally considered -are like other human beings, they wont light on a good helthy spot in a -man, not if they can find a place that iz a little raw. I beleave they -are ov temprate habits, and altho they hang around grocerys a good deal, -i never see a fly the wuss for liquor, but i hav often seen liquor, that -waz a good deal the wuss for flys. - - -_WANTED._ - -Wanted, several fust class yung men, with mustash, tew hang around the -vestibules ov the different churches in amerika, and stare at the -females az they pass out. - -Yung men who understand the use ov tobacco prefered. - -No yung men accepted who kant stare the brass buttons oph from a -military coat, at twenty paces. - -This iz a rare chance for yung men ov real genius. - -Salary payable weekly. - -References exchanged. - - -31 Days. JULY. 1871. - -Q.--When iz a ship az sick az her passengers are? @ - -A.--When she heaves too. @ @ @ - - [Illustration] - - _Hornets now are on the wing, - Red hot, and crazy for to sting: - Oh, don't go ni the tarnal kritters! - For they are sure, and pizon hitters._ - -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -| @| @ || _History._ | _GREEN GOOSE._ | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -| 1| S || @ Ice iz king | Every time a man laffs he takes | -| 2| G || _hot and warm_ @ | a kink out ov the chain ov life, | -| 3| M ||Sampson waz a | and thus lengthens it. | -| 4| T || strong man _very hot_ | | -| 5| W ||he could lift a | * * * * * | -| 6| T || ton @ _hotter_ @ | | -| 7| F ||with hiz | Three skore years and ten iz | -| 8| S ||little finger @ | mans furlo, and it iz enuff,--if a | -| 9| G || @ _hot increases_ @ | man kant suffer all the mizery he | -|10| M || now beg for | wants in that time he must be | -|11| T ||ice cream | numb. | -|12| W || @ _thunder shower | | -|13| T || in the west_ @ | * * * * * | -|14| F || @ the goose iz not | | -|15| S ||a game bird @ | A crowing hen, and a cackling | -|16| G || @ _grate | rooster, are very misfortunate | -|17| M || hotness_ @ @ mad | poultry in a family. | -|18| T ||dorgs around @ _bileing | | -|19| W || hot_ @ Noah | * * * * * | -|20| T || had three sons | Man iz mi brother, and i konsider | -|21| F || _thunder and_ @ @ | that i am nearer related tew | -|22| S || @ _litening_ @ | him through hiz vices, than i am | -|23| G || @ Noah | through hiz virtews. | -|24| M || owned the ark @ | | -|25| T || _much hot_ @ in | * * * * * | -|26| W || @ Adam's fall | We should not forgit one thing-- | -|27| T || @ we sinned all @ | thare iz not a sure thing on this | -|28| F ||Yew bet, @ Andy | footstool,--even the best tooth | -|29| S || Johnson waz a | in our head may fall tew akeing | -|30| G || Taylor @ @ | before sunset and hav tew be | -|31| M || | jerked out. | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ - - - - -_THE READDY ROOSTER._ - -Roosters are the pugilists among birds, and having no suitable shoulder -tew strike from, they strike from the heel. When a rooster gits whipped -the hens all march off with the other rooster if he aint haff so big, or -so hansum. It is pluck that wins a hen. Roosters az a class wont do enny -household work; yu kant git a rooster tew pay enny attenshun tew a -yungone. They spend most ov their time in crowing and strutting, and -once in a while they find a worm, which they make a grate fuss over, -calling their wives up from a distance, apparently tew treat them, but -jist az the hens git thare, this elegant cuss bends over, and gobbles up -the worm. - -Jist like a man for all the world! - - -_HOUSEHOLD COMFORTS._ - -Tew git rid ov cockroaches,--sell yure house, and lot, and flee tew the -mountains. - -Tew make a slapjax that will do grate service,--cut it out ov buckskin, -and fri it tew a koal black on a greaseless griddle. - -Tew pick out a good husband!--shut up both eyes, grab hard, and trust in -the Lord. - -Tew make a kat mad,--trod on her continuashun. - - -31 Days. AUGUST. 1871. - -Q.--Why iz woman like an echo? @ @ - -A.--Bekauze she will hav the last word. @ @ @ - - [Illustration] - - _All nature bileth. - Roosters pant and so do lizzards; - The mules upon the dusty road - Kan't raise a trot, to save their gizzards._ - -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -| @| @ || _History._ | _GIBLETS._ | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -| 1| T || _warm with_ @ | | -| 2| W || @ _hot streaks_ | Lazyness iz a good deal like | -| 3| T || Jack | money,--the more a man haz ov | -| 4| F || the giant killer @ | it the more he seems tew want. | -| 5| S || _much hotness_ @ | | -| 6| G || @ killed a giant | * * * * * | -| 7| M || 1250 @ _look out | | -| 8| T || for a grate hot_ @ | It iz hard work at fust sight, tew | -| 9| W || the giant waz 25 | see the wisdom in a rattle snake | -|10| T ||foot square @ @ | bite, but thare are thousand ov | -|11| F || _hot_ @ @ @ in | folks who never think ov their sins | -|12| S || his stocking feet | until they are bit bi a rattlesnake.| -|13| G || _cooler_ @ oh for | | -|14| M || a lodge in | * * * * * | -|15| T || sum vast woods | | -|16| W || _thunder and_ @ | "A poor, but dishonest cuss!"--this | -|17| T || @ _litening_ @ | iz about az low down az | -|18| F || on a straw matrass | enny man kan get, unless he drinks | -|19| S || @ _more_ | whiskee. | -|20| G || @ _hotter_ @ now | | -|21| M || dig for mint | * * * * * | -|22| T || juleps @ | | -|23| W || _gigantik rain_ @ | Living on hope iz like living on | -|24| T || @ let her drizzle | wind, a good way tew git phull | -|25| F || _very heaty_ @ @ | but a poor way tew git phatt. | -|26| S || meazles diskovered | | -|27| G || @ 1600 @ _hot_ | * * * * * | -|28| M || snakes lively @ my | | -|29| T || name iz | It iz human tew err,--but devlish | -|30| W || Norval @ | tew brag on it. | -|31| T || | | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ - - - - -_THE DOOCED MONKEY._ - -The monkey iz only valuable tew look at, and wonder what in thunder he -iz a going tew do next. He haz not got a Webster head, but hiz face iz a -biled down dew drop ov malishus cunning. He resembles the skey terrier -in the bild ov hiz features, and skratches his head az natral az the -school boy,--and probably for similar reasons. They are sumtimes kept az -pets, but if enny boddy should pet me with a monkey, i should send him -right back bi the same person who brought him, marked with _Baldwin The -Clothiers_ trademark,--C. O. D. - - -_KONNEKTIKUT BLEW LAWS._ - -1. No man must chu enny tobbacko on the sabbath day unless he goes down -cellar and duz it. - -2. No yung woman haz a right tew be had in matrimony unless she kan make -a good doe nut out ov rhy bran, and one that will keep a year in a damp -place, without loseing its twist. - -3. If a man gits drunk, he must git drunk on Nu England rum. - -4. No man shall be entitled tew work on the road, or set on the jury, -who aint handy with the 10 commandments. - - - [Illustration] - - - If a young man haint got a well ballanced hed, i like to see him part - hiz hair in the middle.= - - Dont yu, Josh Billings - - - [Illustration] - - It iz one ov the hardest - things on earth for a man - to learn,--that he plays a - third rate game ov whist.= - - No doubt, Josh Billings - - -30 Days. - -SEPTEMBER. - -1871. - -Q.--What is wealth? @ @ @ - -A.--Baggage at the risk of the owner. @ @ - - [Illustration] - - _The carrion crow sits straddle the fence, - Trying az hard az he can to weep, - Az he thinks ov death and its consequence - To spavined hosses and rickety sheep._ - -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -|@ | @ || _History._ | _CRANBERRY SAUS._ | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -| 1| F ||@ _Exquisit and | | -| 2| S || soft wind |Love is like the meazles, we | -| 3| G ||melts_ @ angels |kan't hav it bad but once, and the | -| 4| M || seen bi |later in life we hav it the tuffer it| -| 5| T || moonlite |goes with us. | -| 6| W ||_fragrant showers_ @ | | -| 7| T |@ fust poet | * * * * * | -| 8| F ||born 642 @ _limpid |The miser who heaps up gains | -| 9| S || tenderness_ @ |tew gloat over, iz like a hog in a | -|10| G ||_cam and cool_ @ |pen, fatted for a show. | -|11| M ||stars twitter @ | | -|12| T || @ azure twilight | | -|13| W ||_wind sow bi sow | * * * * * | -|14| T || west_ @ lovers | | -|15| F ||meet @ |Most every one seems tew be | -|16| S || @ _soft showers_ @ |willing to be a phool himself, bu | -|17| G || and kiss @ harvest |he kant bear to have enny boddy | -|18| M ||yure pumpkins @ |else one. | -|19| T || @ _slick weather_ | | -|20| W ||hark! from the | * * * * * | -|21| T ||tombs a doleful | | -|22| F ||sound @ _soft wind_ | | -|23| S ||Tom Corwin |The man who haint got an | -|24| G ||waz a wagon |enemy, iz really poor. | -|25| M || boy @ | | -|26| T ||_tender winds_ @ | * * * * * | -|27| W || @ on linden | | -|28| T ||when the |Advise iz like kastor ile, eazy | -|29| F ||sun @ waz low |enuff to giv, but dredful uneazy | -|30| S || |tew take. | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ - - - - -_THE LOAFING RACCON._ - -The Raccon iz a native amerikan. His family consists ov one wife, and -three children, who liv with him on the inside ov a tree. During the -winter he ties himself up in a hard knot, and lays down bi hiz fire -side. When spring opens, he opens too, and goes out tew see how the -chickens hav wintered. I never knew a raccon tew want enny thing long, -that he could steal quick. I hav had tame coons bi the dozen, but i dont -advise enny boddy tew cultivate coons; they want as much waiting on az a -blind mule on a tow path, and thare aint enny more real proffit in them, -than thare iz in a stock dividend, on the Erie railroad. - - -_HOME DOINGS._ - -Tew freshen a salt mackerel,--tow him one summer behind a steam bote. - -Tew make a man good mad,--starch hiz stockings a leetle too stiff. - -Tew be one ov the "_oldest inhabitants_," remember very well, when yung -Nebudkenezzer waz a babe. - -Tew be happy,--eat molasses, and swing on a gate. - - -31 Days. - -OCTOBER. - -1871. - -Q.--What did Joner do while in the whale's stumak? - -A.--The best thing he did waz tew git out ov it. @ - - [Illustration] - - _Sweet cider now, and punkin pize, - And maidens fair, and doughnuts greasy: - Who wouldn't be a farmer's boy, - So phull ov phun, so free and eazy?_ - -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -|@ | @ || _History._ | _BEEFSTAKE AND ONIONS._ | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -| 1| G || _Gentle frost_ @ |Thare aint but phu men who | -| 2| M || @ cider invented |kan stick a white hankerchief into | -| 3| T || 1536 @ _sighns |the brest pocket ov their overcut | -| 4| W || ov snow_ @ _wind_ @ |without letting a leetle ov it | -| 5| T || _shifty_ @ _it may |stick out,--just bi acksident. | -| 6| F || snow, and it may | * * * * * | -| 7| S || not_ @ _calm |A cheerful old man, or old | -| 8| G || coldness_ @ now |woman, iz like the south side ov | -| 9| M || potatoes dig @ _wind_ |a wood shed, in the last ov | -|10| T || @ _nor by |winter. | -|11| W || nor west_ @ | | -|12| T || @ David slewed | * * * * * | -|13| F || Goliar | | -|14| S || _cooler_ @ with a | Men mourn for what they hav | -|15| G || small rock @ hens |lost, wimmin for what they | -|16| M || begin to lay @ |hain't got. | -|17| T || | | -|18| W || _snow squalls_ @ | * * * * * | -|19| T || _cold_ @ let it | It iz very eazy tew repent ov | -|20| F || squall who cares @ |sins we hav committed, but to | -|21| S || |repent ov thoze we intend tew | -|22| G || @ @ Eve waz the |commit, iz asking too mutch ov enny | -|23| M || first woman @ |man theze days. | -|24| T || _raw cold_ @ @ | | -|25| W || who fooled | * * * * * | -|26| T || her man | | -|27| F || | Pitty costs nothing,--and aint | -|28| S || _sharp frost_ @ | wuth nothing. | -|29| G || | | -|30| M || @ down with @ | | -|31| T || @ the taxes @ | | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ - - - - -_THE THOUGHTFUL FOX._ - -The Fox iz a literary bird; he waz a genius long before akedemick honors -flourished; he waz a poet, skoller, and sage, before the days ov Homer -and Herodotus; and in our times he iz the Ben Butler ov diplomacy, and -the Brigham Yung ov matrimonial ethicks. The fox haz no moral honesty -but he haz got a grate supply of _politikal honesty_. If another Fox in -hiz parish wants a good phatt goose, he will work hard tew git him the -goose, and having cleaned the meat all oph from the subburbs ov the -goose, giv hiz politikal friend the bones, telling him with a smile in -hiz eye, "_that every thing iz lovely and the goose hangs hi_." - - -[_Advertisement._] - -_MADAM FILKINS LIQUOR FOR BABES._ - -Cures hooping coff, meazels, pane in the side, mumps, teething, cancer, -rickets, redgum, and bawling. - -Cures gout, hang nails, _wont go tew sleep_, stummak ake, and _want -every thing they see_. - -Removes warts, wens, wigglings, an wizenface. - -Mothers lament for Madam Filkins liquor for babes. - -Babes bawl for it. - -Nurses pray for it. - -Fathers buy it bi the barrell. - - -30 Days. - -NOVEMBER. - -1871. - -Q.--What iz ginger pops? @ @ @ @ - -A.--Gim-nastick water. @ @ @ @ @ - - [Illustration] - - _The bullfrog haz hung up hiz fiddle, - The bug and the cricket are still; - No more can be heard in the marshes, - The musketo fileing hiz bill._ - -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -| @| @ || _History._ | _SLAP JACKS._ | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -| 1| W || _Sour and_ @ | | -| 2| T || @ _sad_ @ | A dog iz the only thing on this | -| 3| F || grate skassity ov | earth that luvs yu more than he | -| 4| S || grasshoppers @ | luvs himself. | -| 5| G || _sour and_ @ @ | | -| 6| M || _chilly_ @ | * * * * * | -| 7| T || Brigham Young | Lies are like illegitimate children,| -| 8| W || born 1818 @ | liable to call a man _Father_! | -| 9| T || _cold_ @ _Brigham_ | when he least expekts it. | -|10| F || was a _youngster_ @ | | -|11| S || _snow on the_ | * * * * * | -|12| G || _mountains_ | A gentleman iz a gentleman the | -|13| M || @ in time of | world over,--it iz only the loafers | -|14| T || peace | that differ. | -|15| W || prepare for | | -|16| T || war @ | * * * * * | -|17| F || _raw rain_ @ @ | | -|18| S || @ now lay in | What men kant do they are | -|19| G || a bad cold @ | very apt tew admire,--they dont | -|20| M || for winter @ | criticize a mountain bekause they | -|21| T || @ _it snows_ @ | kant make one. | -|22| W || the festive | | -|23| T || cockroach | * * * * * | -|24| F || haz fled @ | | -|25| S || | Sekrets are cussid poor property | -|26| G || @ winter draws | enny how; if yu cirkulate them | -|27| M || ni @ _cold and_ | yu loze them, and if yu keep them | -|28| T || _clammy_ @ kats | yu loze the interest on the | -|29| W || swell with | investment. | -|30| T || crossness @ @ | | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ - - - - -_KALKULASHUNS OV A PROGNOSTIX NATUR._ - -Whenever yu see a flok ov geese all standing on one leg, except the old -gander, and he chawing hiz cud, look out for a south-west wind tewmorow, -or the next day, or the day after, or at sum fewter time. - -Should thare be cold weather during Febuary, and should roosters refuse -to crow, and the taxgatherer forgit tew call on yu, yu will hav tew -trust in Providence, and go it blind, for thare aint no man kan -prognostix what will cum next. - -Whenever dogs are seen travelling around with nothing to do and old -maids refuse their tea, and hop vines wont klimb, and grind stuns wont -grind, then yu may expekt a lite crop ov oats, and beans wont pay for -harvesting. - -If the sun rizes in the east, and sets in the west, and the bull frogs -sings sams in the marshes, and thare aint no pulling hair in the family -circle, things are about az near right az yu can git them. - -Should there be no dew on the grass, in the morning before sunrise, it -iz an infallible prognostix, that thare didn't enny dew fall. - -Whenever yu see two crows on the railfence, one white and the other -black, edgeing up to each other, look out for a nigger in the wood -pile. - - -31 Days. DECEMBER. 1871. - -Q.--What is pity? @ @ @ @ @ - -A.--Cheap charity, @ @ @ @ @ - - [Illustration] - - _Now kil pigs and bucher hens, - Murder geese and ducks that quack, - Chop down wood, and sassage make, - And evenings play----Hylojack._ - -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -|@ | @ || _History._ | _OYSTER PADDYS._ | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -| 1| F || @ 1871 haz | One ov the fussyest scenes i | -| 2| S || about pegged | ever beheld waz two old maids | -| 3| G || out @ | waiting on one sick bachelor. | -| 4| M || _bitter cold_ @ @ | | -| 5| T || @ Homer waz a | * * * * * | -| 6| W || good poet | | -| 7| T || eggs dredful | Revenge iz just az natral to | -| 8| F || uncommon @ | flow az milk,--yu will see little | -| 9| S || _grate sno storm_ @ | boys club the post that they bump | -|10| G || @ Congress iz a | their head against. | -|11| M || sitting @ @ | | -|12| T || _cold_ @ but don't | * * * * * | -|13| W || @ hatch out ennything | | -|14| T || @ _wind_ | Opinyuns are like turnips, worth | -|15| F || _north_ @ @ | just what they will fetch. | -|16| S || beware of false | | -|17| G || proffits _ice iz_ | * * * * * | -|18| M || _from 12 inches to_ | | -|19| T || _a foot thick_ @ @ | Courage without discreshun, iz | -|20| W || Soloman waz a | like a ram with horns on both | -|21| T || smart man @ | ends, he will hav more fights on | -|22| F || @ _sighns ov a thaw_ | hand, than he kan do justiss to. | -|23| S || he waz a good | | -|24| G || judge ov the sex @ | * * * * * | -|25| M || _colder_ @ the | | -|26| T || year drops its | When yu find a man who iz | -|27| W || curtain @ _the wind_ | very solisitus about the welfare ov | -|28| T || _moans_ @ farewell | everyboddy, yu kan safely put him | -|29| F || my countrymen @ | down az one who iz hunting for a | -|30| S || | misfortune. | -|31| G || | | -+--+---+-------------------------+-------------------------------------+ - - - - -_LETTER TO FARMERS._ - -_Beloved Farmers_: - -Agrikultur iz the mother ov farm produce; she iz also the step-mother ov -gardin sass. - -Rize at haff past 2 o'clock in the morning, bild up a big fire in the -kitchen, burn out two pounds ov kandels, and grease yure boots. - -Wait pashuntly for da brake. When day duz brake, then commense tew stir -up the geese and worry the hogs. - -Too mutch sleep iz ruinous tew geese and tew hogs. Remember yu kant git -ritch on a farm, unless yu rize at 2 o'clock in the morning, and stir up -the hogs and worry the geese. - -The happyest man in the world iz the farmer; he rizes at 2 o'clock in -the morning, he watches for da lite tew brake, and when she duz brake, -he goes out and stirs up the geese and worrys the hogs. - -What iz a lawyer?--What iz a merchant?--What iz a doktor?--What iz a -minister?--I answer, nothing - -A farmer iz the nobless work ov God; he rizes at 2 o'clock in the -morning, and burns out a haff a pound ov wood and two kords ov kandels, -and then goes out tew worry the geese and stir up the hogs. - -Beloved farmers, adew. - -Josh Billings. - - - - -_EXTRAKT OV LETTERS_. - -_Fredom Senter, Nov. 17th, 1870._ - -FRIEND BILLINGS: - -Thi Allmanax for 1871 waz good for the flesh, az well az for the soul ov -man; it fatted me distinktly on the ribs. _I remane thine._ - -_Obadiah Broadbrim._ - - * * * * * - -MR. BILLINGS: - -We shall hereafter embody yure Allmanaxes in our journal. - -_Editor of London Athaneum._ - - * * * * * - -DEAR JOSH BILLINGS: - -Enklosed in this letter, yu will find 17 cents for one allmanaxt; i am -poor, and this iz all the money i hav got, and i haint got no live -mother. - -_Charley Briggs, Jun._ - - * * * * * - -_Klamburgh, Oktober 30, 1870._ - -DEAR MISSER JOSH: - -The lor bles yuse, and yuse allmanaksts for 1871; it made dis chile -perspire gratuitussly wid bliss. - -Yure cullud person friend, - -_Josepheen Johnsing._ - - * * * * * - -MISTER JOSHUA BILLINGS: - -I hav both ov yure 2 allmanaxes for 1870 and 1871, and wish yu would -send me bi the barrow yure allmanaxes for 1872 and 1873 and 1874, -exklusive. I will emit the munny in a fu daze. No more now from yure -loveing friend, _Jerusha Sheldon_, dauter ov widdo Sheldon, near -Spraker's Mill, on the Coshokton pike. - - - - -_HOROSKOPE FOR JANUARY._ - - -The yung gentleman born this month will remane a bachelor untill hiz 16 -year, and will hav kurly hair. He will finally settle down still, and -marry for life. Hiz father will be a grate lover ov phast horses. He -will liv tew be over 60 years ov age, and die worth about 750 dollars, -klear ov awl debt. - - * * * * * - -The yung lady born this month will kno how tew pla on the pianner, and -nit worsted. She will be a blondy, and be near sited, and fall in luv -with grate diffikulty. She will finally git wedded tew the man she -marrys, and her whole life will be eazy. If she marrys the seckond time -her husband will be a dentist or an alderman. - - -_ADVICE TEW YUNG KLERGYMEN._ - -Dont preach the gospel for less than 850 dollars a year, salary payable -quarterly in advance. - -A congregashun who kant afford tew pay 850 dollars a year, want a -missionary more than they do a klergyman. - -Be sure and run the church; don't let the church run you. - -Az i sed up at the top, git az mutch ov yure salary az possible in -advance, for i dont kno ov enny det so hard tew kollekt az a minister's -salary, after it once gits kold. - - - [Illustration] - - It iz so eazy to advise another fellow to set down in a - dentists chair, and hav a big dubble tooth jerkt out, that i hav often - wondered whi we didn't try it ourselfs.= - - Less so. Josh Billings - - - [Illustration] - - I say to 2 thirds ov the ritch people in this world--make - the most ov yure money, for it makes the most ov yu.= - - Happy thought.--Josh Billings - - -31 Days. - -JANUARY. - -1872. - -Q.--Who had the best artikle ov pashunce? @ @ - -A.--Job. His pashunce waz biled down to a spot. @ @ - - [Illustration] - - _A stirring man iz nabor Bush, - Yu never ketched him idle; - Six daze he works, and sundaze he - Salts geese, and reads the bible._ - -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -|@ | @ || _Kalkulashuns._ | _RAMRODS._ | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -| 1| M || @ Now pik geese @ | Revenge sumtimes sleeps, but | -| 2| T || @ _awful_ | vanity alwus keeps _one I_ open. | -| 3| W || _kold_ @ @ | | -| 4| T || | | -| 5| F || thou shalt not | * * * * * | -| 6| S || commit | | -| 7| G || swareing @ | Thare iz nothing in this world | -| 8| M || @ @ _more sighns_ | that a man pays so hi a price for, | -| 9| T || _ov kold_ | and gits so little ov hiz munny | -|10| W || @ @ now bruize wood | back, as he duz for Repentance. | -|11| T || @ _it iz kold_ @ | | -|12| F || @ Jim | * * * * * | -|13| S || Sheriden | | -|14| G || born 1818 @ | I hav finally cum tew the | -|15| M || _now expekt_ | konklushun, if a man kant be born | -|16| T || _a thaw_ @ | but once, he had better issue | -|17| W || @ Jim | proposals tew hav it dun sumwhare | -|18| T || waz a | in Nu England. | -|19| F || fiddler @ @ | | -|20| S || @ _it duz thaw_ @ | | -|21| G || @ thare are no | * * * * * | -|22| M || fiddlers | | -|23| T || in heaven @ | The only human being on the | -|24| W || _thaw kontinues_ @ | face ov this earth that I really | -|25| T || in kase ov | envy, iz a laffing Christian. | -|26| F || doubt, lead | | -|27| S || trumps @ | * * * * * | -|28| G || @ _the thaw freezes_ | | -|29| M || @ now | Men ov little authority are like | -|30| T || mix | men ov little strength--alwus | -|31| W || sassige @ @ @ | anxious tew lift sumthing. | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ - - - - -_HOROSKOPE FOR FEBUARY._ - -The man born this month will be good looking, but too mutch prone tew -toe in when he walks. He will hav 2 wifes, and a small hand, except when -he plays whist; then he will hav a big one. Hiz fust wife will be -kross-eyed, but hiz seckond one will be kross all over. He will hav 4 -children, who will all pass through the meazles, with grate credit tew -themselfs and no disgrace tew the meazles. - - * * * * * - -The yung female born during this month will show grate judgement in -sorting her lovers, and will finally marry a real estate agent. She will -hav a phew failings; but who cares? she wouldn't be interesting if she -didn't. At 28 she will be a widow, and at stated intervals will be -inklined tew gush a little. (_For the sake of variety we say, let her -gush._) - - * * * * * - - -_A GOOD FAMILY JOB._ - -(_To kure bed bugs._) - -Bile the bed bugs tew a gravy; then take equal parts ov sassyfrass rutes -and mingle with the gravy; then find a hoel in the ground that aint -occupied; then pour the gravy into the hoel; then fasten up the hoel -with 2 pounds ov gunpowder; then tutch off the hoel with a 10 foot poel; -then run like litening. If this don't kure the bed bugs, and the hoel -too, they hav both got it the natral way, and kan't be healed. - - -29 Days. - -FEBRUARY. - -1872. - -Q.--What iz the surest gait on the road? @ @ - -A.--A toll-gate. @ @ - - [Illustration] - - _Sim Blodget waz an awful brag, - Alwus telling sumthing or nuther,---- - "Square Brown and he kept 60 cows!" - The square kept 59, and Sim the tuther._ - -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -|@ | @ || _Kalkulashuns._ | _THISSELS._ | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -| 1| T || @ _Kold, but sharp_ | Thare iz two kind ov men that | -| 2| F || @ @ When this | i dont kare to meet when i am in | -| 3| S || yu see, remember | a grate hurry: men that i owe, | -| 4| G || me @ @ | and men that want to owe me. | -| 5| M || _sighns ov kold_ @ | | -| 6| T || now puntch | * * * * | -| 8| T || _weather inkreases_ | Jokes are like butternuts. To | -| 9| F || @ @ Dave Larkin | be good, they musn't be cracked | -|10| S || born 1763 @ @ | flatways. | -|11| G || | | -|12| M || @ _wind north_ @ | * * * * * | -|13| T || Dave Larkin | | -|14| W || waz | | -|15| T || a | It iz just az natral tew be born | -|16| F || hoss jockey @ | poor az tew be born naked, and | -|17| S || _snow, mixt with_ | it iz no more disgrace. | -|18| G || _kold_ @ | | -|19| M || Dave Larkin delt | * * * * * | -|20| T || in | | -|21| W || saw-hosses @ | Truth iz like the burr docks on | -|22| T || _kold, but bitter_ @ | the end ov a cow's tail: the more | -|23| F || @ Oh! cockroach, | she shakes them oph, the less she | -|24| S || whare iz | gits rid ov them. | -|25| G || thine | | -|26| M || sting? @ | * * * * * | -|27| T || _kold gits more so_ | | -|28| W || @ now giv in | I think young coxcombs end | -|29| T || marriage @ | their lives az old sloven. | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ - - - - -_HOROSKOPE FOR MARCH._ - -The man born this month will be inklined tew blow a little. He will be a -domestik man, and will kno how to rok the kradle and pare potatoze. He -will marry the only daughter of a widdo, and will be a good judge of -mothers-in-law. He will die about the usual time in life, and leave a -house and lot, with a small mortgage on it. He never will run for offiss -but once, and then will git beat. - - * * * * * - -The woman who appears this month will be an old maid till she is 20 -years old, and then will sudenly put a stop tew this kind ov bizzness, -by investing in a yung man. She will be a good housekeeper, and kno how -tew make a plum puddin, with the plums left out. She will hang on to her -buty till she iz about 45; after that, she will hav to take her chances. - - * * * * * - - -[_Advertizement._] - -Professor John Spruce (_graduate_) begs leaf tew inform the citizens ov -Pordunk village that he will open a school for male yung men, over -Nikodemus Bradley's waggon shop, in whitch will be taught the nobel art -of chawing gum, in all the hier branches. - -_Private lessons_ administered tew yung ladiz at their boarding-house. -The Professor pledges himself tew teach, in six easy lessons, the -gum-chawing science tew a spot. - -_N. B.--Seckond hand gum alwus on hand, for sale low._ - - -31 Days. - -MARCH. - -1872. - -Q.--Who iz the champion ov lite weights? [@] - -A.--The Nu Jersey muskeeter. @ @ @ - - [Illustration] - - _Dame Barker had a yerling hen, - Who swore she'd set, or raze the dickens; - The dame sot her on an ear ov korn, - And razed a bushel an haff ov chickens._ - -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -|@ | @ || _Kalkulashuns._ | _CODICILS._ | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -| 1| F || @ _Breezy_ @ @ | | -| 2| S || Klam soup | To work iz the grate law ov | -| 3| G || diskovered 1500 @ | natur. If the woodchuck ever | -| 4| M || _sighns ov wind_ @ | dont bild enny hole, he wont | -| 5| T || Jim Pettybone | hav one. It iz true he may steal | -| 6| W || created 1312 @ @ | one; but then sum other woodchuck | -| 7| T || Jim waz | will hav tew dig two. | -| 8| F || an intemperance | | -| 9| S || man [(@)] | * * * * * | -|10| G || _mutch wind_ @ | | -|11| M || Jim Pettybone died | | -|12| T || @ _wind grows_ @ | Thare are folks who dont do | -|13| W || Jim died | enny hard work but watch their | -|14| T || ov the | simptoms. I hav saw dogs akt | -|15| F || triangular | just az sensibel. I hav saw a | -|16| S || lemons @ | rat-tarrier watch the simptoms ov a | -|17| G || _fresh, but windy_ | knot-hole in a board-fence all day, | -|18| M || @ now dig angle- | for sum rat tew cum forth, and no | -|19| T || worms @ @ | for sum rat tew cum forth, and no | -|20| W || _wind rizes_ @ @ | rat didnt cum forth. | -|21| T || Lafayette waz | | -|22| F || A | * * * * * | -|23| S || friend to | | -|24| G || this | | -|25| M || land @ @ @ | I alwus did admire the malice | -|26| T || _wind_ | ov the mule. If a freak ov fortune | -|27| W || _inklined tew_ | had made me az misfortunate | -|28| T || be windy @ | amung men az the mule iz amung | -|29| F || @ Tom Hyer waz | animilds, i would begin tew let | -|30| S || a | drive at things a mile an a haff | -|31| G || pugilissimus [§§] | off. | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ - - - - -_HOROSKOPE FOR APRIL._ - -The man born this month will hav a liquid temprament, but not -necessarily inklined tew licker. Hiz grate aim will be tew git married; -and he will git hiz bird, bi marrying a butiful and also good-looking -wife. They will liv happy az two lambs, and leave one son, whom they -intended should be president ov the United States, but who very wisely -konkluded tew be a merchant taylor. - - * * * * * - -The lady born this month will hav blew eyes, and a full set ov teeth. -Her heart will be az tender az a porterhouse steak. She will keep a lap -dorg, who will hav weak eyes, and whose christian name will be Fanny. -She will die and leave a bed-quilt, which will go down tew posterity, -with upwards of 7 hundred blocks in it. - - -[_Advertizement._] - -_JOB SARGENT'S KLENSING SOPE._ - -Job Sargent, being ov sound mind, and expressly afrade ov the devil, -dont hesitate tew say that his klensing sope will take the spots oph -from everything. - -1st. It will remove the spots from a coach dog in 3 daze. - -2d. It will take the spots oph from a ten ov dimonds in 15 minnits. - -3d. Kan the leopard change his spots?--i answer it kan, bi using Job -Sargent's only klensing sope. - -4th. Persons ov a spotless reputashun, and anxious tew keep so, will -never be without this sope. - -5th. Job Sargent never told a lie--so did George Washington. - - -30 Days. - -APRIL. - -1872. - -Q.--What iz the fastest trotting-time on reckord? - -A.--I dont kno az I kare. @ @ @ @ - - [Illustration] - - _A sloven farmer waz old Snyder; - He spent his time a drinkin syder. - Together he worked a cow and muel, - And never sent his boys tew skewel._ - -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -|@ | @ || _Kalkulashuns._ | _HOOKS_ AND _EYES_. | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -| 1| M || @ Now sort yure | | -| 2| T || rats @ @ | Yu kant konvert sinners bi | -| 3| W || _sum rain_ @ | preaching the gospel tew them at | -| 4| T || sow yure hoss- | haff-price. Enny sinner who iz | -| 5| F || radish @ @ | anxious tew git hiz religion in | -| 6| S || @ _hot, but wet_ @ | that way iz satisfied with a poor | -| 7| G || @ hoss-radish iz a | artikle. | -| 8| M || smart vegatable @ | | -| 9| T || @ Bill Kurtis | * * * * * | -|10| W || born 1749 @ @ @ | | -|11| T || @ _sighns ov rain_ @ | Prudes are coquets gone tew | -|12| F || | seed. | -|13| S || Bill Kurtis had | | -|14| G || a | * * * * * | -|15| M || wodden leg @ @ | | -|16| T || _mild, but pleazant_ | | -|17| W || @ @ now bury beans | Thare iz no better evidence ov | -|18| T || @ @ _warm wet_ | wisdum than tew beleave what we | -|19| F || @ beans are a | kant understand. | -|20| S || joyful krop @ | | -|21| G || @ _wind soft_ @ | | -|22| M || thou shalt not steal | * * * * * | -|23| T || @ _more wet_ @ | | -|24| W || plant pickels | Yu will alwus notis one thing: | -|25| T || for arly cow- | the devil never offers tew go into | -|26| F || kumbers @ @ | partnership with a bizzy man; | -|27| S || @ _soft breezes_ @ | but yu will often see him offer | -|28| G || now lend umbrellers | tew jine the lazy, and furnish all | -|29| M || @ @ _hot_ @ | the capital. | -|30| T || now jerk lettiss @ | | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ - - - - -_HOROSKOPE FOR MAY._ - -The gentleman who invests hiz life in this month will be very quick -tempered, espeshily when a hornet lights on him in anger. His mother -will set a good deal by him, espeshily when he iz in the kradle. He will -hav the mumps very light, and will spend most ov his life intending tew -marry, but will die at last with a half dozen old maids on hiz hands. -The wash wimmin will remember him az the man who never wore paper -collars. - - * * * * * - -The lady born this month will fust be a bud, and afterwards a blossom. -Her heart will be az full ov twitter as a kanary bird on a perch. She -will hav twilight hair. She will hav menny lovers. She will be -reasonabel fond ov silk clothes, but her grate joy will be in a bonnet. -She will hav az little jealousy az it is prudent for a woman tew hav. - - -_CHOICE OLD RECEIPTS._ - -To learn a kat how tew bite--feed her on kat nip tea. - - * * * * * - -To remove goose pimples (from a goose)--loose the goose. - - * * * * * - -To kure a weak back--lay still for a week ahead. - - * * * * * - -To make yure mark--fall out ov a third story windo. - - * * * * * - -To ketch a bad kold--lay down on the ground, and watch for it, bi -moonlite. - - - [Illustration] - - Kats are plenty. I kounted 18 from mi boarding hous - window one night last summer--and it wasn't a fust rate nite for kats - neither.= - - A sollum fakt. Josh Billings - - - [Illustration] - - One ov the most unfortunate men in this world--iz a third - rate fiddler,= - - Yure warm friend - - Josh Billings - - -31 Days. - -MAY. - -1872. - -Q.--Who got the fust caneing? @ @ - -A.--Abel. @ @ @ - - [Illustration] - - _Now in the ground hide unyun seed, - Bury korn, and beetz, and lettiss; - Chuck in sum peas, and lima beans, - If the arth dont seem tew wettish._ - -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -|@ | @ || _Kalkulashuns._ | _PLUMB PUDDIN._ | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -| 1| W || | | -| 2| T || @ Now kount yure | If i waz a-going tew civilize a | -| 3| F || bees @ | parcel ov heathen (bi the job) | -| 4| S || @ _wet showers_ @ | on sum distant, far off, and remote | -| 5| G || expekt grass @ | ile, i should debate sum | -| 6| M || @ Mary Spalding | time in mi mind which tew send, | -| 7| T || born 1642 @ @ | an invoice ov dancing-masters or | -| 8| W || _warm, but sunny_ | missionarys. | -| 9| T || @ Mary Spalding | | -|10| F || waz a widder @ | * * * * * | -|11| S || @ _rain_ @ | | -|12| G || now plant tudstools | Hope haz made a grate menny | -|13| M || | blunders; but thare iz one thing | -|14| T || @ _hot, but cool_ @ | about her that I alwus did like: | -|15| W || all men were born | she means well. | -|16| T || free and equal @ | | -|17| F || @ _more warmy_ @ | * * * * * | -|18| S || Joner waz | | -|19| G || et bi | Most ennyboddy thinks he kan | -|20| M || a whale @ @ @ | keep a good hotel (and he kan); | -|21| T || @ _expekt rain_ @ | but this akounts for the grate | -|22| W || @ dandylions draw | number of kussid mean ones all | -|23| T || ni @ @ _hot_ | over the country. | -|24| F || _mildness_ | | -|25| S || now fall in love @ | * * * * * | -|26| G || @ _warm inkreases_ | | -|27| M || David Perkins | Whenever yu hear a man who | -|28| T || waz | alwus wants tew bet hiz bottom | -|29| W || a | dollar, you kan make up yure | -|30| T || hansum | mind that that iz the size ov hiz | -|31| F || man @ @ @ @ | pile. | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ - - - - -_HOROSKOPE FOR JUNE._ - -The male individual born during June will be one of 7 children, but not -the only one. He will hav 3 brothers, and one sister, who will marry a -hard shell baptist preacher. He will studdy law, and enter the profeshun -with gilt edge prospekts, but his fust klient being a counterfiter, whom -he succeeds in gitting clear, and receiving 50 dollars in counterfit -money for his services, disgusts him with the bizzness. - - * * * * * - -The female who appears on the platform this month will alwus hav cause -tew wonder whi she did it. Her father will be a skool teacher, and he -will bring her up in the distrikt skool bizzness. At 29 years and six -months she will marry, and will be well edukated in the dutys ov a wife, -for she will understand Daball's arithmetik, and parseing, just az eazy -az falling down the cellar stairs. She will hav but one son, and he will -be edukated oph from hiz feet at an early age. - - -_ANNOUNCEMENT EXTRORNARY._ - -(_Advertizement._) - -Phelix Phungus (_dog dokter_), late ov the royal vetenary college, and -12 years in a doggery in the old country, offers hiz services tew the -Pordunk people. He kan remove fleas from a dog in 16 minnits; he kan -take the krook out ov a dog's tail in 13 minnits; he kan learn a dog tew -lie in front ov a fire all day in 12 minnits; he kan tell how fast a dog -kan run hitched tew a tin pail in 3 minnits; and kan tell how mutch -sassage he will make bi just hefting him. Consultashuns free. - -P. P. D. D. PHELIX PHUNGUS, DOG DOKTOR. - - -30 Days. - -JUNE. - -1872. - -Q.--Who waz the weakest man? @ - -A.--Fred Bennett couldnt lift hiz note for fifteen dollars. @ - - [Illustration] - - _Mary Moore iz a farmer's lass, - She's winsum az a pozy; - The chap who ketches Mary Moore, - Wont be no kuntry josey._ - -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -|@ | @ || _Kalkulashuns._ | _ROOTS_ AND _ARBS_. | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -| 1| S || @ _Sweetly warm_ | | -| 2| G || @ now grab roses | 8 wont go into 6, and hav | -| 3| M || @ _frequent wet_ @ | ennything left over. Menny a | -| 4| T || John Smith born | yung phellow haz found out this | -| 5| W || in the year 4 @ | bi trieing tew git a number 6 boot | -| 6| T || @ _slitely hot_ @ | on. | -| 7| F || John Smith waz a | | -| 8| S || good investment @ | * * * * * | -| 9| G || _warm, but growy_ | | -|10| M || | Thare iz nothing a man will git | -|11| T || @ John Smith | so sick ov az too mutch molasses. | -|12| W || waz | (_Sweet girls, make a note ov | -|13| T || better than | this._) | -|14| F || kompound interest | | -|15| S || @ _now imbibe_ | * * * * * | -|16| G || _fragrance_ @ | | -|17| M || @ bully for John | Prudery iz often like the chesnutt- | -|18| T || Smith @ | burr: it duz seem as tho it | -|19| W || _warm, but wet_ @ | never would open, but by and by | -|20| T || @ Elihu Burritt | it yields tew the frost, and lets | -|21| F || waz a blacksmith @ | the fruit drop out. | -|22| S || @ _more rain_ @ | | -|23| G || now expekt | | -|24| M || snaiks § @ § | * * * * * | -|25| T || _sighns ov wet_ | | -|26| W || _moisture_ @ @ | I dont beleave in the final salva- | -|27| T || @ Horace Greely | shun ov all men, bekauze thare | -|28| F || iz | are so menny kases in which i | -|29| S || an | kant see how it iz going tew be | -|30| G || editor @ @ @ | made tew pay. | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ - - - - -_HOROSKOPE FOR JULY_. - -The man mortal who cums tew the scratch this month will be a grate lover -ov politikal life, and after menny stormy trips will settle in hiz -natiff village a konstable, elekted by 19 majority. He will liv tew be -ripe with old age, and hiz posterity will wonder how he managed tew -spend a whole life in politiks, and keep out ov state prizon. (_Hiz -posterity probably aint aware that a term in state prizon iz a good kard -tew run for offiss on._) - - * * * * * - -The girl born this month will flash like a streak ov yello sunshine. She -will be sought after like the balm ov menny flowers. She will hav poetry -for breakfast, and spend the rest ov the day on zephyrs and chocalate -karamels. The man who gits her for a wife will change into a butterfly, -and the two will be seen, sum sweet nite this month, flieing away to the -song ov the crickets. - - -_ADVICE TEW YOUNG MEN._ - -Dont be diskouraged if yure mustash dont gro; it sumtimes happens whare -a mustash duz the best, nothing else duz so well. - -Dont be afrade ov enny thing that iz honarable, and dont forget that the -best friend that God haz given enny one iz hiz conscience. - -Larn tew wait!--this iz a hard gait for a yung man tew travel, but iz -the surest way tew git thare. - -If you hav got sum wild oats (and a phew wont spile yu) git them in -arly, and sow them deep, so they will rot in the ground. - - -31 Days. - -JULY. - -1872. - -Q.--Which are two ov the lost arts? @ @ - -A.--Modesty, and good home-made bread. @ @ - - [Illustration] - - _To brake a mule, or yoke a steer, - Bob Fletcher waz a reddy lad; - He and his mother worked the farm-- - Krewel deth had took away his dad._ - -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -|@ | @ || _Kalkulashuns._ | _PICKLED TONGUE._ | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -| 1| M || @ @ _Hot_ @ @ | | -| 2| T || now lay in straw- | I look upon the north pole az | -| 3| W || berrys and kream @ | one ov them pekuliar spots ov | -| 4| T || @ _wind south_ @ | ground: if it aint never found, we | -| 5| F || @ Frank Stebbins | shant be none ov the wuss off; | -| 6| S || waz born this | and if it iz found, we shant be | -| 7| G || month @ @ | none the better off. | -| 8| M || @ _more heaty_ @ | | -| 9| T || @ Frank Stebbins | | -|10| W || waz a hoss-jockey | * * * * * | -|11| T || @ _now expekt_ | | -|12| F || _wet showers_ @ @ | I kant see what woman wants | -|13| S || @ Frank Stebbins | enny more "_Rights_" for; she | -|14| G || had a lemon- | beat the fust man born into the | -|15| M || colored mare @ | world out ov a ded sure thing, | -|16| T || | and she kan beat the last one | -|17| W || @ _hot, but wet_ @ | with the same kards. | -|18| T || @ this mare could | | -|19| F || trot suddenly @ | | -|20| S || @ _grate heatness_ | * * * * * | -|21| G || @ Abel waz a | | -|22| M || bachelor @ @ | | -|23| T || @ _inkreasing_ | The only thing which makes a | -|24| W || _warmth_ @ | mule so highly respektabel is the | -|25| T || @ now hunt | grate accuracy ov hiz kickings. | -|26| F || for | | -|27| S || thunder | | -|28| G || and | * * * * * | -|29| M || lightning @ @ | | -|30| T || @ hale columbus | Convince a phool ov hiz errors, | -|31| W || happee land @ | and you make him yure enemy. | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ - - - - -_HOROSKOPE FOR AUGUST._ - -The gentleman born this month will hav one eye to the main chance, and -the other eye on the collatterals. He will be sharper than good cider -vinegar, and will go at a transackshun like a skotch tarrier at a rat -hole. He will be az honest az a hornet, and make az few blunders. He -will liv tew be old. Hiz wife will die young--tired out trying tew keep -up with him. - - * * * * * - -The feminine creashuns ov this month will be grate admirers ov the -sterner sex. They will fall in luv easy, but will make az phew blunders -az enny other wimmin. They will be guided bi the impulses ov their -naturs, which in most wimmen iz a safer card than their judgements. If I -hadnt got one ov the best wifes that the world haz yet produced, I -should be inclined to ask (humbly) for one ov the _August-as_. - - -_TO ALL WHOM IT MAY CONSARN._ - -(_Advertizement._) - -Adam Dipthong (chicken champion) invites a discerning world tew peruse -hiz egg-dispensing poultry. - -His "_Hail Columbys_," crossed on his "_Star Spangled Banners_," iz a -hen who, for purity ov step, swavity of plumage, and modesty ov -deportment, kant be beat. - -His "_Last Roze ov Summer_," hiz "_Merry wives ov Windsor_," and hiz -"_Love lies bleeding_," az a style ov poultry, haz no competitors in the -whole horizon. His "_Kiss me Quicks_," chastised with a delikate -sprinkling ov his "_Meet me bi moon lite alone_," as pullets, hav alwus -stood the test; and az roosters, are alwus reddy "tew fite it out on -this line" (or enny other) "if it takes all summer." - - -31 Days. - -AUGUST. - -1872. - -Q.--Who waz the fust brewer? @ @ - -A.--Satan; he brewed mischief. @ @ @ - - [Illustration] - - _Come, farmers all, both grate and small. - The fields with yello grain are wavy; - Bring out yure boys, and laffing galls, - And make the bukweat cry Peccavy._ - -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -|@ | @ || _Kalkulashuns._ | _EGG NOGG._ | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -| 1| T || @ @ _Hot_ @ @ | | -| 2| F || @ Pete Whetstone | A man whom yu kan hire tew | -| 3| S || born 956 @ @ | work on a farm for nothing, and | -| 4| G || @ _hotter_ @ | board himself, will just about earn | -| 5| M || @ Pete waz a bare- | hiz wages. | -| 6| T || bak rider @ @ | | -| 7| W || @ _thunder and_ | | -| 8| T || _litening_ @ @ | * * * * * | -| 9| F || @ Pete rode the | | -|10| S || fust bear @ @ | | -|11| G || @ _hot grows wuss_ | A learned phool iz one who | -|12| M || @ @ now stab | haz read everything, and simply | -|13| T || suckers @ @ @ @ @ | remembers what he haz read. | -|14| W || @ _hot with rain_ @ | | -|15| T || | | -|16| F || @ kane kilt able @ | * * * * * | -|17| S || _now expekt mutch_ | | -|18| G || _warmth_ @ @ kane | | -|19| M || waz a stunner @ | The highest rate ov interest | -|20| T || @ _heat prickly_ @ | that we pay iz for borrowed | -|21| W || @ now eat kold | trouble. Things that are alwus | -|22| T ||vittles @ _heat biles_ | a-going tew happen, never do | -|23| F || @ O grave! whare | happen. | -|24| S || iz thi viktory? * | | -|25| G || _bigger hot_ @ Gen. | | -|26| M || Jackson waz a | * * * * * | -|27| T || dimokrat @ _hot_ @ | | -|28| W || and now beg for | | -|29| T || ise | I hav know people who had so | -|30| F || kream @ @ | little karakter that they didnt | -|31| S || @ _more heaty_ @ | even hav enny phailings. | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ - - - - -_HOROSKOPE FOR SEPTEMBER._ - - -The man born this month will be what iz called a wit. He will be az -phull ov wit az a bottle ov ginger-pop. He kant hardly wait to hav the -cork pulled out, and when the cork iz pulled out it will take a 2 quart -bowl to hold a haff pint ov the phizz. He will make jokes which will be -az natral az blunders, and will keep hiz whole family (inkluding the -hired girl) betwixt a suprise and a guess. He will hav a house phull of -children, who will be the best jokes he perpetrates. - - * * * * * - -The lady born this month will be mistress ov the situashun. She will hav -menny admirers, but will lead them a dusty chase. After a while she will -marry, and bekum az serious az a white mice in a wire trap. Her husband -will be az proud of her az a third lutenant ov hiz fust epaulettes. Her -children will be brought up to toe the mark, and, tho different from all -the other wimmin in the naborhood, she will be admired more than -reproved. - - -_ADVISE TEW HOSS JOCKEYS._ - -Never swop hosses with a deakon--not if yu belong tew the same church he -duz. - -If yu hav got a hoss that you ask 200 dollars for, and are offered 75 -dollars for him, alwus sell him; dont spile a good hoss trade for 125 -dollars. - -If you should, bi acksident, git hold ov a sound hoss, git shut of him -az soon az yu kan, for yu wont be happy with him. - -If, in swopping hosses, yu git kornered, and kant lie, postpone the -trade untill next day. - -Noboddy ever expekts tew buy a hoss without gitting cheated; tharefore, -if a hoss jockey dont lie, he loses one ov his blessed privileges. - - - [Illustration] - - Mice kan liv enny whare fust rate except in a - church.--they fatt very slo in a church.--this shows that they kant - liv on religion, enny more than a minister kan. - - Yures. Josh Billings - - - [Illustration] - - Whenever i see a real hansum woman engaged in the "wimmin - rights" bizzness, i am a going to take off mi hat, and jine the - proceshun.-- - - See if i dont. Josh Billings - - -30 Days. - -SEPTEMBER. - -1872. - -Q.--Whi iz the meazles like fresh mackrel? @ @ - -A.--They run in schools, and hav tew be kaught before they can be had. @ -@ - - [Illustration] - - _Deakon John Jones waz a pius man, - But for one thing I kant lend praze; - 'Twas asking pardon bekauze he swore, - When his old ram knokt him end waze._ - -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -|@ | @ || _Kalkulashuns._ | _SLUNG-SHOT._ | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -| 1| G || @ _Mild, but gentle_ | | -| 2| M || @ Abram Tucker | I dont know how it iz with my | -| 3| T || born 1694 @ @ | brother-man, but with me the fall | -| 4| W || @ _soft winds_ @ | ov the Roman empire iz a grate | -| 5| T || @ Abram Tucker | deal eazier tew bear than a fall on | -| 6| F || fust eat pork and | the ice when it iz wet. | -| 7| S || molassis @ @ _now_ | | -| 8| G || _look for rain_ @ @ @ | * * * * * | -| 9| M || birds with feathers | | -|10| T ||flock togethers @ @ @ @ | | -|11| W || @ _it rains_ @ | Face all things; even adversity | -|12| T || @ now lay in fride | iz polite to a man's face. | -|13| F || oysters @ | | -|14| S || * _very pleasant_ @ | * * * * * | -|15| G || @ John Brown died | | -|16| M || 1861 * @ cloudy @ | Poverty kant be wuss, and may | -|17| T || | be better; riches kan be better, | -|18| W || @ John Brown | and may be wuss. The difference | -|19| T || died ov the thrut | iz in favour ov poverty. | -|20| F || disseaze @ | | -|21| S || @ _mild_ @ | * * * * * | -|22| G || now expekt early | | -|23| M || cider @ _showery_ @ | | -|24| T || @ sighns ov an arly | Whenever i see a man anxious | -|25| W || frost @ @ | tew git into the middle ov a fite | -|26| T || @ _wind east_ @ | that dont belong tew him, i am | -|27| F || now prepare | alwus anxious to hav him, for i | -|28| S || for | kno he iz sure tew be the wust | -|29| G || country | whipt man in the party. | -|30| M || cuzzins @ @ @ | | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ - - - - -_HOROSKOPE FOR OCTOBER._ - -The male man usherd into existence this month will be ov an enquiring -mind. The fust thing he will enquire for will be sum good cider. He will -studdy divinity at fust, but will quit that and bekum a konduktor on a -hoss rale-rode; this pays better, and haz more perquisites. He will -marry the woman ov his choice, which iz good, provided the choice iz all -right. His hair will turn grey before he dies, but after he dyes he will -hav black hair the rest of hiz days. - - * * * * * - -The woman born this month will be short ov stattue, and acquainted with -grief. She will want a grate menny things, in this world, that aint -handy tew be got. She will marry just about the right time, and -undertake tew liv with her mother in law, which iz a diffikult kontrakt -tew fill. The wimmin born this month are like a rhode island greening, -ripen slow, and are most delightful away long into the winter. - - -@ TO LET. @ - -_Enny person having an easy pill to take, that will restore a shatterd -reputashun, without change ov diet tew the pashunt, kan hav this -advertising space hily reazonable._ - -_Enquire of_ - - [Illustration: Bird sketch] - - -31 Days. - -OCTOBER. - -1872. - -Q.--Whare did Adam strike when he fell? @ @ - -A.--On hiz kneeze, I hope. @ @ @ - - [Illustration] - - _Bukwheat kakes this month lay in, - Eat freely of pork and sassage; - Theze things kind Heaven givs to us, - Who in this world works our passage._ - -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -|@ | @ || _Kalkulashuns._ | _FOOT PRINTS._ | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -| 1| T || @ _Kloudy, but cool_ | | -| 2| W || @ Joel Briggs born | If i had a boy whoze hair | -| 3| T || 1837 @ | would bedew that hair with a | -| 4| F || @ _warmer_ @ | parent's tear, and then giv up | -| 5| S || @ Joel Briggs waz | the boy. | -| 6| G || a tin pedlar Փ @ | | -| 7| M ||@ @ _sighns ov rain_ @ @| * * * * * | -| 8| T || @ beware ov grass | | -| 9| W || widders @ @ _snow_ | | -|10| T || _on the mountains_ | Hurry and dispatch are often | -|11| F || @ now count yure | confounded, but they are az unlike | -|12| S || rats @ _sharp frost_ | az the habits ov the pissmire | -|13| G || _last nite_ @ @ | and the ant. | -|14| M || @ whiskee iz a non | | -|15| T || konduktor @ | | -|16| W || | * * * * * | -|17| T || @ _snow falls_ @ | | -|18| F || Փ biled sassage | | -|19| S || iz good for the | Thare aint but phew men weak | -|20| G || tooth ake @ @ @ | enuff tew admit their jealousys; | -|21| M || @ _wind bracing_ @ | even a disgraced rooster in a barn- | -|22| T || @ now enquire | yard will git a leetle further off | -|23| W || for cider @ | and begin tew crow up a new | -|24| T || @ _colder_ @ | reputashun. | -|25| F || @ @ Enok waz | | -|26| S || translated Փ @ | | -|27| G || @ _frosty_ @ | * * * * * | -|28| M || @ so | | -|29| T || waz | Cunning, at best, only duz the | -|30| W || Homer | dirty work ov wisdum; tharefore | -|31| T || translated @ @ | I dispize it. | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ - - - - -_HOROSKOPE FOR NOVEMBER._ - -The gentleman born this month will be a hard worker, but phond ov old -wine. He will forgit tew pay sum ov hiz debts, but will hav a blue eye, -and be a good singer. He will marry between 18 and 45, and be an -excellent judge ov hash on toast. He will liv a grate length, and reach -deth by a cirkuitous route. - - * * * * * - -She who cums tew see us this month will be az welkum az a dandylion in -the buzzum of winter. She will be a dutiful dauter, a warm-harted -sister, a tender mother, and a handsum wife--(Kind Heaven! send us az -menny ov this sort az convenient.) - - -_ADVICE TEW YUNG DOKTORS._ - -Hire an offiss on the main street of the village, and stay in the -offiss. - -When yu do go out, alwus go on the jump. - -Dont never talk mutch on enny subjek, but alwus look kussid misterious. - -Seldum go tew church, but when yu do, alwus leave before the church duz. - -Charge everyboddy like thunder and litening. - -If yu pholler theze rules clussly, and don't suckceed, yu kan kum tew -the konklushun that the doktrine bizzness ain't so good as it waz last -year. - - -30 Days. - -NOVEMBER. - -1872. - -Q.--Who waz the best-preserved woman that ever lived? @ @ - -A.--Lot's wife. @ @ @ - - [Illustration] - - _Jane Lovell waz a farmer's wife, - A wife waz she wuth having, too; - For when Jane Lovell rooled up her sleeves, - Things round that hous begin tew flew._ - -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -|@ | @ || _Kalkulashuns._ | _TIT BITS._ | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -| 1| F || @ _Sour, but kold_ Ԃ | | -| 2| S || @ remember Lot's | A dandy in love iz in just about | -| 3| G || wife @ @ _raw_, | az bad a fix az a stik ov mollassis | -| 4| M || _but sour_ Ԃ | kandy that haz begun tew melt. | -| 5| T || @ Lot's wife waz | | -| 6| W || the psalt ov the | * * * * * | -| 7| T || earth @ | | -| 8| F || @ _more sour_ @ | The meanest kind ov a loafer | -| 9| S || @ all good wives are | iz he who iz willing tew be abuzed | -|10| G || @ _more raw_ @ | by every one for the privilege ov | -|11| M || Ԃ Adam Sturgis | abusing others. | -|12| T || born 1853 @ _windy_ | | -|13| W || @ Adam Sturgis | * * * * * | -|14| T || waz a twin @ @ | | -|15| F || @ _rain, mixt with_ | | -|16| S || _snow_ @ @ now @ | Curiosity had twins; one waz | -|17| G || psalt sheeps @ | _Invenshun_, the other waz _Stick- | -|18| M || @ _wind bights_ Ԃ | Yure-Noze-Into-Things_. | -|19| T || multiplika- 0000000 | | -|20| W || shun table 00 | * * * * * | -|21| T || diskovered ------- | | -|22| F || 1215 @ @ 0000000 | | -|23| S ||_more kold_ @ 0000000 | Deth iz an arrow shot into a | -|24| G ||the multi- --------- | krowd; the only rezon whi it hit | -|25| M || plikashun 000000000 | another iz bekauze it missed us. | -|26| T || table iz | | -|27| W || hard tew beat @ @ | * * * * * | -|28| T || @ sour rain Ԃ | | -|29| F || @ Bill Adams waz | Arly genius iz like arly cabbage: | -|30| S || a free mason @ | it dont apt tew hed well. | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ - - - - -_HOROSKOPE FOR DECEMBER._ - -The man born this month will hav a sanguine temprament. He thinks he iz -in luv with every woman he meets, and wont git married till late in -life. When he duz git wedded, he is a-going tew wed a woman who haz been -playing the same game he haz--falling in love with every man she meets. -They are both ov them going tew git cheated the wust way. - - * * * * * - -The girl born this month, tho late in the season, is a-going tew ketch -up before she gits through. She wont remane single, and iz a-going tew -be a leetle diffikult tew manage double. She will see Naples, but iz too -smart to die right off on that account. She will admire menny men, but -will love but one, and that iz her husband. If her husband iz smart -enuff to know this, they will travel through life like 2 pigeons. - - -_SIMPLE REMIDIZ._ - -Tew kure the bight ov a krab, soke the krab's feet in bileing hot water. - - * * * * * - -Tew find the kontents ov a gallon ov whiskee, multiply a pint ov fusil -ile bi 8 pints ov Venice turpentine. - - * * * * * - -Tew kure the gout, liv on Boston krackers, and saw wood for 25 cents a -kord. - - * * * * * - -Tew make a goose good eating, bring her up tenderly. - - * * * * * - -Tew keep kats from being et up bi rats, muzzle the rats. - - -31 Days. - -DECEMBER. - -1872. - -Q.--How did robins git their name? @ @ @ @ - -A.--By robin cherry-trees. @ @ @ @ @ @ @ - - [Illustration] - - _The farmer leads an eazy life, - 12 hours a day ends hiz labors, - Evenings pares apples for cider sass, - Or hauls over the coals hiz nabors._ - -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -|@ | @ || _Kalkulashuns._ | _GIN_ AND _MILK_. | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -| 1| G || @ @ _Kold and | | -| 2| M || snowsome_ @ | How fast will the "_comeing_ | -| 3| T || @ Yankee doodle | _man_" probably travel? I kant | -| 4| W || born 1659 @ | tell to a dot; but if he kant beat | -| 5| T || @ _mutch kold_ @ | 2.25, he better stay whare he iz. | -| 6| F || @ Yankee doodle | | -| 7| S || still livs @ | * * * * * | -| 8| G || _snow 60 foot deep_ | | -| 9| M || @ Yankee doodle | A man with a phew branes iz | -|10| T || iz | like a dog with one flea on him-- | -|11| W || a lively cuss @ | dredful oneazy. | -|12| T || @ _grate kold_ @ | | -|13| F || @ now hammer | * * * * * | -|14| S || @ grate kold @ | | -|15| G || @ _kolder_ @ | Be humble, and yu are sure | -|16| M || expekt sla rides @ | tew be thankful; be thankful, and | -|17| T || | yu are sure tew be happy. | -|18| W || @ _sharp, but kold_ | | -|19| T || @ thou shalt | * * * * * | -|20| F || not | | -|21| S || covet thi nabor's | The more yung ones in a family, | -|22| G || jackass @ | the eazier they are tew raize. | -|23| M || @ _snow inkreases_ | One chicken alwus makes more | -|24| T || @ now murder | klucking for a hen than a dozen | -|25| W || hogs @ | duz. | -|26| T || @ _wind shifty_ @ | | -|27| F || @ now tear up | * * * * * | -|28| S || wood @ | | -|29| G || @ _big kold_ @ | Blessed iz he who kan pocket | -|30| M || @ the grass hopper | abuse, and feel that it iz no | -|31| T || haz fled @ @ @ | disgrace tew be bit bi a dog. | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ - - - - -_AGRIKULTIBUSS._ - -1st. Skarsity beets are the hardest kind ov beats to beet; their grate -skarsity makes them beet all other kind ov beats. - - * * * * * - -2d. Turnups should be planted near the top ov the ground, if yu want -them tew turn up good. - - * * * * * - -3d. Egg plants iz good, but eggs sot under a stiddy hen will produce -more chickens than they will tew plant them. - - * * * * * - -4th. Potatoze are gennerally a helthy krop, but they are liable tew hav -weak eyes. - - * * * * * - -5th. Cowcumbers do the best in a lot bi themselfs; it aint best tew -cumber up a kitchen gardin with cows. - - * * * * * - -6th. Oats will gro on sum warm land, but tew yield well they hav got tew -be thrasht; it iz jiss so with beans, only beans has got to be poled -fust, and thrasht afterwards. - - * * * * * - -7th. Rye duz the best on a dry and thirsty sile, espeshily old rye; too -mutch water will drown out old rye. - - * * * * * - -8th. Tud stools will do well on a wet earth; so will tuds; but -woodchucks must hav a gravelly sile. - - - - -_SUM WEATHER._ - -SINOPSUSS OV PROGNOSTIKATED EVENTS. - - -The byrometer will rize very sudden this morning at Pordunk, 3 foot, and -fall the like amount at Sakramento City. The diffikulty in the weather -for the last 2 days, which haz predominated at Boston and around New -Orleans, waz owing tew the byrometer at Pordunk being took down and sent -tew the blacksmith's shop for repairs. - -Clear weather haz existed at Goose kreek, and northwest ov Montreal, -with a growing tendency tew wind gustiness. - - -_PROBABILITIZ._ - -Ambrozial weather will permeate all around Pordunk for the next 16 -months, with rain and snow; and all sorts ov stuff in the ballance ov -the United States of America. - -The probabilitiz iz that the abuv probabilitiz will assimilate themselfs -tew the principal probabilitiz in the case. - -If they don't, du notiss will be giv. - -In the mean time be kalm, be dignified, and don't be skeered. - - - - -_JANUARY MISSCELLANY._ - - -ARIES, THE ZODIAK RAM. - -Aries is a latin ram. He is kompozed ov wool all over, and horns in -front. How Aries, the ram, got into the zodiak bothers me to this day, -but he probably jumpt in out ov sumboddys back lot. This is all owing -tew bad fences. Aries waz born soon after the diskovery ov this world by -Kaptain Kook, the perambulator. Since the days ov Aries the hydraulik -ram haz been born, a very hard ram tew fleece. Aries haz the post ov -honor amung the sighns in the zodiak, and presides over the head ov the -human anatomy. This iz a just kompliment tew hiz kapacity for putting a -hed onto things. Aries, the ram, tho he haz no literary pretenshuns, haz -made menny brilliant hits in hiz day. - - -_TO MAKE GOOD MILK PUNTCH._ - -Take one quart ov red cow's milk. - -Strain all the water out ov the milk. - -Puntch the milk severely with santy cruize rum. - -Ramify it well with white sugar. - -Koruskate sum nutmeg on the brow ov it. - -Drink tew the Amerikan Eagle standing. - -(This recipee haz been in the Billings family going on 300 years, and iz -desighned for one person, and always hits the mark.) - - - [Illustration] - - The Hornet iz a red hot child ov natur, and haz a - bizzness end to him.= - - Respekfully, Josh Billings - - - [Illustration] - - The cockroach dont liv on what he eats, but what he kan - git into, and often finding him ded in mi soup, i hav cum to the - konklushun, that he kant swim, but that he kan float for a long time= - Josh Billings - - -31 Days. - -JANUARY. - -1873. - -Q.--What would be a good motto for a taylor? @ @ - -A.--Let her rip. @ @ @ - - [Illustration] - - _Joel Briggs waz born down east, - Hiz hight waz 6 feet 2, - Hiz panterloons waz striped, - And hitched beneath hiz shu._ - -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -|@ | @ || _Diagnosis._ | _KODFISH BAWLS._ | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -| 1| W || @ _Bitter kold_ Ԋ | | -| 2| T || @ now @ | The intimacys ov old age seem | -| 3| F || the dog | tew konsist in drinking yung hison | -| 4| S || quaketh @ @ | tea together, and compareing | -| 5| G || _sighns ov thaw_ @ | gouts and rumatizms. | -| 6| M || @ now the | | -| 7| T || kat | * * * * * | -| 8| W || shivereth @ @ | | -| 9| T || @ @ _expekt kold_ @ | One ov the most reliable prophets | -|10| F || Ԋ now the snow | i kno ov, iz an old hen, for they | -|11| S || snoweth @ @ @ | don't prophecy enny egg, untill | -|12| G || @ _kolder but_ | after the egg haz happened. | -|13| M || @ _raw_ @ | | -|14| T || now | * * * * * | -|15| W || the | | -|16| T || crow | | -|17| F || croweth @ @ | I kno ov folks who are so | -|18| S || | kondem kontrary, that if they | -|19| G || @ _wind north_ @ | should fall into a river, they would| -|20| M || @ @ now the | want tew float up stream. | -|21| T || tarrier | | -|22| W || tareth @ | * * * * * | -|23| T || @ _more snow_ @ | | -|24| F || @ @ now the | Politeness iz not only the cheapest,| -|25| S || flea fleaeth @ @ | but the most powerful argument | -|26| G || Ԋ _kolder still_ @ | I kno ov. | -|27| M || @ now the | | -|28| T || spark sparketh @ | * * * * * | -|29| W || _expekt a thaw_ @ @ | | -|30| T || @ Jake Disbrow @ | Money well spent iz well | -|31| F || @ died 1824. @ | invested. | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ - - - - -_FEBUARY MISSCELLANY._ - - -TAURUS, THE ZODIAK BULL. - -One ov the best behaved animiles in the whole zodiak is Taurus the -zodiak bull. He is alwus laying down flat sunning himself. He dont hav -ennything tew employ hiz mind with only in fli time. Fli time iz alwus a -bizzy time with Taurus. The bull down here nowdaze iz a sour headed old -codger who goes swareing up and down the turnpike about sumthing, but in -the daze ov Virgil he had golden horns, and poetry in hiz veins. Menny -folks hav asked me what on earth they wanted a bull in the zodiak for, -and i hav always sed, it waz just az necessary az tew hav bulls in Wall -street. This always seemed tew satisfy their questions prodigiously. -Taurus governs the nek in the sighns ov the zodiak, which haz giv rise -to that tender, and klassikal sentiment, called "_bull necked."_ - - -_PERSONALS._ - -Dear One.--Enklosed please find 10 Dollars--if you kan. - -RICHARD. - - * * * * * - -Kum home! kum home! mi dear husband, i freely forgiv yu for all i hav -did. - -BETSEY. - - * * * * * - -Waz the lady in blue, who trod on the gentleman's toe in gray, in the -8th avenew kars last frida nite corned, or waz it the toe that waz -corned?--References exchanged. - -PEDRO. - - -28 Days. - -FEBUARY. - -1873. - -Q.--Who fust struk ile? @ @ - -A.--Joner. @ @ @ - - [Illustration] - - _Joel Briggs a pedlar waz, - A pedlar ov renoun, - He delt in tin ware and sitch, - And druv from toun tew toun._ - -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -|@ | @ || _Diagnosis._ | _KREAM PUFFS._ | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -| 1| S || @ @ Goose yokes | | -| 2| G || fust discovered | If i had 4 fust rate dogs i would | -| 3| M || 1651 | name the best ov them "Doubtfull," | -| 4| T || _Kold and | and all the other 3 "Useless." | -| 5| W || shivery_ @ @ | | -| 6| T || @ @ Jane Brown | * * * * * | -| 7| F ||born 1826 @ @ | | -| 8| S || @ _Snow falls_ | Take all the phools and good | -| 9| G || Miss Jane Brown | luk out ov this world, and it would | -|10| M || waz a | bother the rest ov us tew git a | -|11| T ||woman's righter @ | living. | -|12| W ||@ _much koldness_ | * * * * * | -|13| T || @ now pan out | Thare iz az mutch difference | -|14| F || slapjax @ | between wit and humor az thare | -|15| S ||@ _big sno storm_ | iz between the ile and the essence | -|16| G || Pete Murdok | ov peppermint. | -|17| M ||died 952 @ | | -|18| T || _very raw_ @ @ | * * * * * | -|19| W || | | -|20| T || @ Pete Murdok | Whiskey friends are the most | -|21| F || died ov a | unprofitable ones i kno ov, they | -|22| S || broken harte @ | are alwus reddy tew drink with | -|23| G || _sour rain_ @ | yu, but when yu git reddy tew | -|24| M ||Pete Murdok broke | drink with them, they aint dry. | -|25| T || hiz harte trieing | * * * * * | -|26| W || tou lift a | | -|27| T ||meeting house @ @ | Ridikule that aint true haz no | -|28| F || @ _more kold_ @ | partikular power. | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ - - - - -_MARCH MISSCELLANY._ - - -CANCER, THE ZODIAK KRAB. - -Cancer iz a hard sheld krab, and haz 2 sets ov leggs, which are lokated -on the starbord side ov their pussons. Cancer travels on hiz muscle, and -thare aint no individual sighn in the zodiak ov hiz size kan whip him. I -hav studdyed the krab clussly, and et him sloly, and I dont kno him yet. -Crabs bight with their feet, and hang on like the rumatiz. Biled krab is -good but a man must eat them bi the day, he would starve to deth eating -them bi the job. Krabs are kaught bi tieing a knot onto the end ov a -string, and dropping it down into the water whare the krab iz, and when -yu haul in the string, perhaps yu hav krab, and perhaps yu hav knot. -This iz the way a grate menny things in this world are not kaught. In -the zodiak Cancer rules the brest. I should rather hav a blister plaster -in mi buzzum than a krab or a cancer. - - * * * * * - -_WANTED BI A MIDDLE AGED MAN._ - -Enny one having a helthy goose, ov good moral karakter, will hear ov a -purchaser by addressing _Solaman Wainscote, Pordunk P. O._ - -The goose must be broke tew eat grass. - -One that knoze how to lay 2 eggs a day prefered. - -If the goose should be a leetle tuff, no matter. - -What we want iz a smart goose, no kussid phool goose wanted. - - -31 Days. - -MARCH. - -1873. - -Q.--Who iz the greatest hero ov modern times? @ - -A.--Josh Ward, heroed a mile in 4 minitts. @ @ - - [Illustration] - - _Once hiz hoss had been a nag, - A trotting nag at that, - But now he waz a pelter, - And enny thing but phatt._ - -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -|@ | @ || _Diagnosis._ | _HO KAKE._ | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -| 1| S || Tooth piks | | -| 2| G || fust used | A phools money iz like hiz | -| 3| M || 1190 @ @ @ | branes--very oneazy. | -| 4| T || @ @ _sum wind_ | | -| 5| W || @ James Gordon | * * * * * | -| 6| T || Bennet born | Thare iz this difference between | -| 7| F || 1802 @ | a _jest_, and a _joke_--a jest | -| 8| S || @ _rain with snow_ | may be kruel, but a joke never iz. | -| 9| G || @ Bennet | | -|10| M || is a | * * * * * | -|11| T || Herald @ @ @ | | -|12| W || | Sins are the only things that i | -|13| T || _kold but windy_ | repent ov, i never kould make | -|14| F || @ @ now | enny thing repenting ov blunders. | -|15| S || feel around for | | -|16| G || maple sugar @ @ | * * * * * | -|17| M || @ _wind aktive_ @ | | -|18| T || @ @ now | Human knowledge iz not very | -|19| W || lay in | komprehensiv after all,--i hav | -|20| T || early rumatiz @ @ | seen men who kould kalkulate an | -|21| F || @ @ _raw but kold_ | eklipse tew a square inch, who | -|22| S || @ Job was very | couldn't cum within 30 foot ov | -|23| G || billyus @ @ @ | harnessing a hoss. | -|24| M || @ _big rain_ @ @ | | -|25| T || Sampson waz a | * * * * * | -|26| W || strong man @ @ @ | | -|27| T || _wind shifts some_ | Flattery iz like ice kream, we | -|28| F || @ @ Sampson's | want it a leetle at a time, and | -|29| S || strength didn't lay | often. | -|30| G || in hiz | | -|31| M || karakter @ @ | | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ - - - - -_APRIL MISSCELLANY._ - - -VIRGO, THE ZODIAK VIRGIN. - -One ov the best preserved females ov the age iz Virgo the Virgin. She -dont look an hour older than she did in the spring ov 1818 when i fust -saw her. Virgo haz lite blu eyes and yeller hair, and i should esteem -her to weigh about 117 pounds. Virgo haz menny admirers, and report sez, -she haz had menny good trades offered her (one waz a duke) but she -deklines matrimony. I congratulate her spunk. If she haz got a good lone -hand i like to see her play it, even if she gits ukered. I hope Virgo -will remain whare she iz for life, for she iz the only sighn in the -zodiak that i love tew witness. Thare iz one thing about Virgo that -pleazes me wonderful, and that iz, when the grecian bend waz raging on -earth, and crooking most all the other wimmin, she never bent a bit. -Hallelujah! for Virgo. - - -_TO KONTRAKTORS._ - -The widdo Betsey Brown will receive proposals sealed at her residence -No. 86 Hopvine St. for the next 90 daze. - -Kontraktors must state their best offers. - -Diagrams of the widdows looks kan be had at the above No. - -The widdo reserves the privilege ov refusing all offers. - -The highest Bidder gits the worm. - -Agents needn't applikate. - - -30 Days. - -APRIL. - -1873. - -Q.--Whi iz the kodfish like a sailor? @ @ - -A.--Bekauze he iz an old salt. @ @ @ @ - - [Illustration] - - _'Twas Joels way t' stop hiz kart, - At every hous and shop, - Fust tew tell a bit ov nuze. - And then propoze tew swop._ - -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -|@ | @ || _Diagnosis._ | _SLAP JAX._ | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -| 1| T || @ @ Grecian bend | | -| 2| W || revived 1864 @ | When a man measures out glory | -| 3| T || _sighns ov spring_ @ | for himself he alwus heaps the | -| 4| F || @ @ @ @ the | haff bushel. | -| 5| S || cockroach cometh | | -| 6| G || up like a flower @ | * * * * * | -| 7| M || @ _liquid rains_ | A man may mistake hiz tallent, | -| 8| T || frogs now | but he kant mistake hiz genius. | -| 9| W || warble @ @ @ | | -|10| T || @ _sweet winds_ @ | * * * * * | -|11| F || now the goose | | -|12| S || skreameth @ | It is only a step from cunning | -|13| G || @ _wind sow east | tew dishonesty, but it iz a step | -|14| M || bi sow_ @ | that a man iz liable at enny time | -|15| T || | tew take. | -|16| W || @ now bury | | -|17| T || onion seed @ | * * * * * | -|18| F || _smart showers | | -|19| S || ov wet_ @ | Thare seems tew be a propriety | -|20| G || Mars waz | in all things--late experiments in | -|21| M || Juno's fellow @ @ | New York city hav proved the | -|22| T || @ _very warm_ @ | fact, that religion in a rat pit | -|23| W || @ all natur | iz a failure. | -|24| T || stands on tip toze | | -|25| F || _more showers with | * * * * * | -|26| S || sighns ov rain_ @ | | -|27| G || now lift lettiss @ | Style iz every thing for a sinner, | -|28| M || @ @ the pilgrim | and a leetle ov it wont hurt a | -|29| T || fathers @ | saint. | -|30| W || whare am they? @ | | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ - - - - -_MAY MISSCELLANY._ - - -SKORPIO, THE ZODIAK SKORPION. - -Next to the hornet, the skorpion seems tew me to be pretty mutch all ded -loss. I never had mutch faith in enny kind ov a kritter who waz bilt -only tew bite. Skorpions do the best in a hot naberhood. If a man should -take all the skorpions in the world up into the northern part ov Nu -Hampshire he would loze money on them. They wouldn't thaw out thare in -time for bizzness. I never hav seen a skorpion only in the zodiak, and i -aint sorry for this. If thare should ever be a fite in the zodiak i hope -it will be krab and skorpion. This would be a fite in which no one would -care whitch whipt. I kant tell yu just now how the skorpion got aboard -ov the zodiak, but bi looking at hiz piktur i should say he stood 2 good -chances tew do it, one waz tew enter hed fust, and the other waz to -change ends and go in that way. - - -_FOUND._ - -A malteese soprano kat, about 12 months old, singing old hundred on a -picket fence, late last thursda nite, whichever person owns sed kat will -find him (or her, according tew circumstansis) in a vakant lot, just bak -ov our hous, still butiful in death. - -_ALSO_, - -Found an old blew kotting umbrel worth nothing, in place ov a nu silk -one worth 12 dollars and fifty cents, if the person who lost the blew -kotting umbrel bi finding the other one, hasn't had time enuff yet tew -repent ov hiz blunder, 60 days longer will be granted him tew weep over -the ackcident. - - - [Illustration] - - Yung man, dont be afrade to blo yure own horn, but dont - blo it in front ov the proceshun, go to the rear and do it.= - - Yure Uncle, Josh Billings.= - - - [Illustration] - - The reputashun that a man gits from hiz ansestors, often - wants az mutch altering to fit him, az their old clothes would.= - - It iz truly thus, Josh Billings.= - - -31 Days. - -MAY. - -1873. - -Q.--What iz a blunderbuss? @ @ @ - -A.--Kissing the wrong woman. @ @ - - [Illustration] - - _Joel would swop for enny thing, - Tin ware for rags, or brass, - Jews harps for kats, brooms for beans, - Wood bowls for apple sass._ - -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -|@ | @ || _Diagnosis._ | _KOLD SLAU._ | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -| 1| T || @ Lap dogs | | -| 2| F || diskoverd 1310 @ @ | I don't kno az i want to bet | -| 3| S || @ @ @ _mild and | enny money, and give odds, on | -| 4| G || tender_ @ @ | the man who iz alwus anxious tew | -| 5| M || @ Kaptin Kidd | pra out loud every chance he kan | -| 6| T || was a | git. | -| 7| W || pirate @ @ @ @ | | -| 8| T || _plaintive showers_ | * * * * * | -| 9| F || @ @ Kaptin Kidd | A reputashun for happiness | -|10| S || sailed he did [(@ @)] | wants az mutch looking into az | -|11| G || @ _soft wind_ @ | a reputashun for honesty. | -|12| M || @ @ @ now mux | | -|13| T || in the | * * * * * | -|14| W || garden @ @ @ | | -|15| T || | When a man duz a good turn | -|16| F || @ Horace Greeley | just for the phun ov the thing, he | -|17| S || born 1812 @ | haz got a grate deal more virtew | -|18| G || _wet rains_ @ @ | in him than he iz aware ov. | -|19| M || @ @ now prepare | | -|20| T || for dandylions @ | * * * * * | -|21| W || @ _wind south_ @ | | -|22| T || Horace Greeley | Next tew the man who iz worth | -|23| F || iz a Tribune @ @ | a millyun, in point ov wealth, iz | -|24| S || @ _nobby showers_ | the man who don't kare a kuss | -|25| G || @ now sarch | for it. | -|26| M || hens for eggs @ @ | | -|27| T || @ _warm and pretty_ | * * * * * | -|28| W || @ @ @ frogs have | Self-made men are most alwus | -|29| T || come _soft winds_ | apt tew be a leetle too proud ov | -|30| F || @ Homer waz | the job. | -|31| S || quite a poet @ @ @ | | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ - - - - -_JUNE MISSCELLANY._ - - -KAPRIKORNUS, THE ZODIAK GOTE. - -Kaprikornus the zodiak gote iz a sheep with hair on him, and kan eat -enny thing he kan swallow if it chokes him. They infest all over -kreashun, but are thikker in the upper part of Nu York citty ackording -tew populashun than otherwise. Their principal bizzness is tew fite, and -giv milk, they average about a quart ov milk, and four knokdowns a day. -They kant klimb a greast pole, but kan kreep up the side of a rok az -natral az a wood-bine kan. They hav a krak in their foot, and also one -in their voice, and a mustash on their bottom lip. Aries and Kaprikornus -are the two buts ov the zodiak. In the zodiak Kaprikornus governs the -kneeze, and people born under this sighn are apt tew be knok kneed. - - -_LOST._ - -A bright bay poodle dorg, 5 dollars reward, ov a warm natur, and no -questions asked, with one white foot behind, will be paid for hiz -return, when he stole away, with flowing ears, or waz strayed by -sumboddy, answers tew Kristopher Kolumbust, with a brass colar, exchange -papers pleaze copy, and haz a frantik tale. - - -30 Days. - -JUNE. - -1873. - -Q.--How menny skruples in one dram. @ - -A.--This depends upon who takes the dram. @ - - [Illustration] - - _His kart waz a karavan, - Piled hi with every kind - Ov dikker yu kould name, - Besides sumthin hitched behind._ - -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -|@ | @ || _Diagnosis._ | _KNUT KAKES._ | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -| 1| G || @ Now snatch | | -| 2| M || @ cowcumbers | Silence iz one ov the lost arts. | -| 3| T || _sighns ov hotness_ @ | | -| 4| W || @ Mark Twain | * * * * * | -| 5| T || born 1839 @ @ | | -| 6| F || & _hotter_ @ | | -| 7| S || Mark iz a mello | When yu strike ile stop boreing; | -| 8| G || @ kuss @ | menny a man haz bored klean thru | -| 9| M || @ _showers ov rain_ | and let the ile run out at the | -|10| T || @ money iz tite @ | bottom. | -|11| W || @ _more warmer_ | | -|12| T || Venus waz a | * * * * * | -|13| F || hansum woman @ | | -|14| S || @ _mutch wet_ @ | | -|15| G || @ now dig | Human happiness iz like Josephs | -|16| M || for strawberrys | coat, a thing of menny colours. | -|17| T || _gentle wetness_ @ | | -|18| W || @ Job Potter died | | -|19| T || 1856 | * * * * * | -|20| F || _sighns ov thunder_ | | -|21| S || @ Job Potter died | Sin in the soul iz like a slivver | -|22| G || ov death @ @ | in the flesh; mortifikashun iz the | -|23| M || _more hotly_ @ | natral way tew git rid ov it. | -|24| T || @ now reap | | -|25| W || assparagrass @ | | -|26| T || @ _moist | * * * * * | -|27| F || wetness_ @ | | -|28| S || expekt | Love often changes coquetry to | -|29| G || muskeetoze. @ @ | sense, and prudery to sillyness. | -|30| M || | | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ - - - - -_JULY MISSCELLANY._ - - -PISCES, THE ZODIAK FISHES. - -Pisces are the only two fishes we hav enny account ov who hav bin able -tew swim on land and not tutch bottom. It iz now over 4000 years since -they cum ashore and took lodgings in the zodiak. It haz alwus been a -fish-bone ov kontenshun amung the natral philosophers whether they -belong tew the kodfish, or the sucker family. I hav bin asked mi opinyun -on this topick a 100 thousand times, but hav alwus maintained grate -solemnity on the subjekt. It is alwus mi way when i dont kno nothing -about enny thing, to look learned, and smile wisdum. Mi private opinyun -iz, that pisces iz a pikerel, or a porgy, or a perch, and weighed -originally about 9 pounds, but i dont want to bet on this. I kant tell -whether Pisces would bite on an angleworm or not, but i think thare iz -sum law aginst fishing in private ponds. Pisces iz a game fish, but what -hiz game iz i dont kno, but probably hi lo Jak, or draw poker. - - -_EPITAFF._ - -Here she lize--the queen ov pize, -Aunt Sally Ann Von Blixen, -Apple, and mince, kustard, and quince, -She couldn't be beat in mixen. - - * * * * * - -Sakred this spot--stir her up not-- -Her grace all lay in pi fixen, -Better sa i--go without pi, -Than wake up this old vixen. - - -31 Days. - -JULY. - -1873. - -Q.--What breed ov hens set the best? @ @ - -A.--Thoze without leggs. @ @ @ - - [Illustration] - - _For 50 miles round about, - When Joel cum along, - The wimmin all tur ned out, - For swopping mity strong._ - -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -|@ | @ || _Diagnosis._ | _KORN BREAD._ | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -| 1| T || @ @ Kod fish | When a man gits tew talking | -| 2| W || balls invented | about himself he seldum fails | -| 3| T || 1620 @ @ @ | tew be eloquent, and frequently | -| 4| F || @ @ @ _sighns ov | reaches the sublime. | -| 5| S || heat_ @ @ @ | | -| 6| G || Elizibeth Spooner | * * * * * | -| 7| M || born | | -| 8| T || 1365 @ @ @ | | -| 9| W || @ @ _warm showers_ | The owl iz remarkable for two | -|10| T || Elizibeth Spooner | things, gravity and stupidity. | -|11| F || had the | | -|12| S || meazles @ @ | * * * * * | -|13| G || @ _warm but hot_ @ | | -|14| M || Elizibeth Spooner | | -|15| T || had the | Integrity in youth iz almost | -|16| W || meazles | certain tew bekum wisdum and | -|17| T || very thick @ | honor in old age. | -|18| F || @ @ @ _sighns ov | | -|19| S || thunder_ @ @ | * * * * * | -|20| G || @ @ @ now | | -|21| M || wean goslins @ @ | | -|22| T || @ @ _it rains_ @ | When a man iz thoroly lazy he | -|23| W || Old dog Tray | iz good for nothing, only to shoot | -|24| T || died 1492 @ @ | at. | -|25| F || @ _expekt litening_ | | -|26| S || now butcher | * * * * * | -|27| G || watermellons @ @ | | -|28| M || @ _intense hot_ @ | | -|29| T || @ Daniel Webster | Most people prefer the stuffing | -|30| W || studdid law @ @ | to the goose,--the word for the | -|31| T || | idee. | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ - - - - -_AUGUST MISSCELLANY._ - - -AQUARIUS, THE ZODIAK WATERMAN. - -Aquarius duz the sprinkling pot bizzness for the zodiak. He kan be seen -enny klear day up in the zodiak laying the dust which the other -zodiakers kik up. He iz a quiet old gent about 5 foot 6, and wears a -wool hat, and a bull's eye watch. Who hiz ansestors waz no one kan tell. -He iz an old bachelor now, but they tell me, up in the zodiak, that he -alwus takes the most pains when he sprinkles in front ov Virgo. Thare iz -a tradishun in Pordunk, that Aquarius was once a tempranse lekturer, but -gitting too thin for the bizzness waz translated, and sot to sprinkling -in the zodiak. Aquarius haz charge ov the leggs amung the sighns in the -zodiak, and i notis that water iz better for the legs than sum other -fluids i know. - - -_EDUKASHIONAL._ - -CLASS IN BOTANY STAND UP. - -_Teacher._ What kind ov a bird iz a Heron? - -_Skoller._ A herring iz a small fish, az full ov bones az a fine tooth -comb. - -_Teacher._ To what genus duz the Kat belong? - -_Skoller._ The musikal genius, they _lay_ around daze, and chant around -nites. - -_Teacher._ Which iz the wizest fowl? - -_Skoller._ The owl sir, bekause he hoots at most things. - -_Teacher._ What kind ov fish are plentyest in market during dog days? - -_Skoller._ Smelts sir. - -_Teacher._ Class in botany may set down. - - -31 Days. - -AUGUST. - -1873. - -Q.--How menny geese duz it take to make a flok? @ @ - -A.--One would satisfy me. @ @ @ - - [Illustration] - - _Sheep skins, goose yokes, and frying pans, - Basswood cheeze from Goshen, - Bob sleds, brass rings, and bears ile, - Waz sum ov Joels noshuns._ - -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -|@ | @ || _Diagnosis._ | _MILK TOAST._ | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -| 1| F || @ Now pluck | | -| 2| S || peaches @ | Suckcess iz quite often like | -| 3| G || @ _grate hotness_ @ | falling oph from a log, a man kant | -| 4| M || Andy Johnson born | alwus tell how he kum to did it. | -| 5| T || 1812 @ | | -| 6| W || @ _hot grows_ @ | * * * * * | -| 7| T || Andy waz a man | | -| 8| F || ov much | | -| 9| S || policy @ @ | Most enny boddy thinks they | -|10| G || _thunder and blixen_ | kan be a good phool, and they | -|11| M || @ now bull frogs | kan, but to play the phool | -|12| T || rejoice @ _wind | successfully, aint so natral. | -|13| W || south_ @ @ | | -|14| T || @ @ _hot grows | | -|15| F || bigger_ @ | * * * * * | -|16| S || Julia Pragg born | | -|17| G || @ 1830 @ | | -|18| M || @ _wind shifty_ | I wouldn't undertake tew korrekt | -|19| T || Julia waz a laundress | a man's sektarian views enny | -|20| W || @ @ _hot | quicker than i would tell him | -|21| T || wind_ | which road tew take at a 4 corners, | -|22| F || @ now the duk | when i didn't kno miself | -|23| S || quaketh @ @ | which waz the right one. | -|24| G || @ _much hotly_ @ | | -|25| M || @ behold the | | -|26| T || @ grasshopper @ | * * * * * | -|27| W || @ _sum lightning_ | | -|28| T || @ love | | -|29| F || lies | The truly great are alwus the | -|30| S || bleeding @ @ | eazyest tew approach. | -|31| G || | | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ - - - - -_SEPTEMBER MISSCELLANY._ - - -SAGITTARIUS, THE ZODIAK BOMAN. - -Sagittarius iz the William Tell ov the zodiak. He kan hit an apple on -the top ov Virgo's hed 200 paces oph, and not only halve the apple into -quarters, but knok the seeds 27 different direkshuns. He wins the cigars -at all the target excursions in the zodiak. In shooting at a muskeeter -once who had lighted onto the tail ov Leo, he aimed a leetle too -delikate, and dekapitated the dorsal extenshun ov Leo. This waz looked -upon bi all the other phellows in the zodiak az a supplementary shot. -Leo waz laid up in the horsepittol for 6 months, but hiz codicil gru out -about 2 foot more than it waz before. Sagittarius iz the comik genius ov -the zodiak, and on fourth of Julys shutes pennys oph from a stik, injun -fashion. In the zodiak sighns Sagittarius oversees the thighs, but for -what I dont seem tew kno. - - -_FOR IMMEJIATE ADOPSHUN._ - -A mail child, Eleven months old, well broke tew the bottle, 9 teeth kut, -lite sunset hair, without spot or blemish, no parents ov enny ackount, -hard tew kry, dont bite, shows sighns ov genius, and haz had -wackshination. - -Enquire within. - - - [Illustration] - - I never question a suckcess enny more than I do the right - ov a bull dog to lie in hiz own gateway.= - - no I dont, Josh Billings.= - - - [Illustration] - - The diffrence between a mistake, and a blunder. - - When a man sets down a poor umbreller, and takes up a good one, he - makes a _mistake_, but when he sets down a good umbreller, and takes - up a poor one, he makes a _blunder_.= - - Excuse haste. Josh Billings - - -30 Days. - -SEPTEMBER. - -1873. - -Q.--When duz a fly git badly stuck? @ @ - -A.--When he fools with mollassis. @ @ - - [Illustration] - - _When puter knives went oph slo, - Joel waz a kunning kuss, - He could just turn to and swop - An old hoss dredful cluss._ - -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -|@ | @ || _Diagnosis._ | _STEWED PRUNES._ | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -| 1| M || * It iz fall | | -| 2| T || @ @ _warm but_ | After a man haz got a fust rate | -| 3| W || _tender_ | opinyun ov himself the next best | -| 4| T || @ now the leaves | thing tew hav iz the good opinyun | -| 5| F || fall | ov others. | -| 6| S || @ _butiful weather_ | | -| 7| G || | * * * * * | -| 8| M || @ Sam Jones | | -| 9| T || born 1900 @ @ | | -|10| W || @ @ _mild but_ | Heaven iz ever kind tew us, she | -|11| T || _lovely_ | puts our humps on our backs so | -|12| F || @ Sam Jones | that we kant see them. | -|13| S || was a | | -|14| G || clam hunter @ @ | * * * * * | -|15| M || @ @ _warm rains_ | | -|16| T || @ now the | | -|17| W || hog | Wise men hav but fu confidents, | -|18| T || rooteth @ | and cunning men, none. | -|19| F || @ _smoky weather_ @ | | -|20| S || now the | * * * * * | -|21| G || Jackass warbleth @ | | -|22| M || @ @ _sighns ov_ | I think i am about right when i | -|23| T || _frost_ | say, that all things which do not | -|24| W || @ @ now | korrupt are innocent. | -|25| T || the hen clucketh @ | | -|26| F || @ @ _it wants tew_ | * * * * * | -|27| S || _rain_ | | -|28| G || Galen was | | -|29| M || a | Be yee humble before God,--but | -|30| T || doktor. @ @ @ | resolute before men. | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ - - - - -_OCTOBER MISSCELLANY._ - - -LIBRA, THE ZODIAK SKALES. - -Sixteen ounces to the pound wrongs no man. I dont want enny better -evidence that things are strikly on the square in the zodiak than the -fakt, that they keep a pair ov skales up thare, and they are alwus -level. Thare iz a grate deal ov native honesty in a pair of skales. When -i begun life, i looked upon every boddy az honest az a pair ov skales, -but the skales hav dropt oph from my eyes since, and i begin tew look -upon things more az they am. I look upon every man now az strikly -honest, who kan prove it. I want honesty weighed out to me just az i do -mi sassage, 16 ounces tew the pound. Honesty that lacks an ounce in -every pound aint worth a kuss. The ounce that iz lacking iz just what -beats us. In the zodiak concern Libra holds the reins over the -anitomikal hoss. - - -_THINGS THAT KAN BE DID._ - -One ov the smartest things a man kan do, iz to drink peper sass. - -One ov the safest things a man kan do, iz to ride a saw hoss. - -One ov the surest things a man kan do, iz tew slip up on the ice. - -One ov the lazyest things a man kan do, iz tew eat soup with a fork. - -One ov the longest things a man kan do, iz to long for perfekt -happiness. - -One ov the handyest things a man kan do, is to giv hiz note for 90 -daze. - - -31 Days. - -OCTOBER. - -1873. - -Q.--Whi iz a lie called a yarn? @ @ @ - -A.--Bekauze it iz dubble and twisted. @ @ @ - - [Illustration] - - _'Tis the fate ov kunning men, - Ofttimes tew pla the fule, - So with Joel when he swopt - Horses for a balky mule._ - -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -|@ | @ || _Diagnosis._ | _HAISTI PUDDIN._ | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -| 1| W || Θ @ Whiskey | | -| 2| T || invented 1612 | Thare aint nothing that iz a | -| 3| F || @ _frosty_ @ @ | sure kure for lazyness, but i hav | -| 4| S || whiskey iz | known a seckond wife tew hurry | -| 5| G || very proud | it sum. | -| 6| M || spirited @ @ @ | | -| 7| T || @ _sharp frost_ @ | | -| 8| W || @ @ @ now | * * * * * | -| 9| T || shuv checkers Θ @ | | -|10| F || @ _snow flurrys_ | It iz the suprizes ov life after | -|11| S || @ Col Peapod | all that give it its zest,--even a | -|12| G || born 1500 @ @ @ | rat makes things interesting bi | -|13| M || Col Peapod | the natral suddenness with which | -|14| T || waz a | he cums out, or goes into hiz | -|15| W || Korporal @ @ Θ | hole. | -|16| T || | | -|17| F || @ @ _wind sharp_ | | -|18| S || Θ @ now | * * * * * | -|19| G || lay in | | -|20| M || yure winter | | -|21| T || kats @ @ @ @ @ | Real good lies are gitting skarse. | -|22| W || @ @ _rain_ @ Θ | | -|23| T || @ Kats are a | | -|24| F || kumfert @ @ _cool_ | * * * * * | -|25| S || Θ @ frogs quiet | | -|26| G || @ _wind north_ @ | | -|27| M || @ cider haz | | -|28| T || cum @ _it rains_ | The greatest problem ever given | -|29| W || Diogonese lived in | tew man to solve, and the one | -|30| T || a barrell Θ @ now | which he haz made the least progress| -|31| F || chonk apples @ | in, iz "_know thyself_." | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ - - - - -_NOVEMBER MISSCELLANY._ - - -LEO, THE ZODIAK LION. - -Leo iz the only real lion that haz been allowed tew run around loose -amung folks. Thus far he haz abstained from human flesh. Thare iz a -report in the zodiak that he and Taurus had sum words about 15 thousand -years ago, but i kant git hold ov the fakts in the case. Leo waz born in -the smart little village ov Numidia in the state of Africa, ov unknown -parents, and iz now 260 thousand years old. Leo will probably end hiz -days in the zodiak, and i hav looked at Leo's piktur in the zodiak -gallery and dont hesitate tew rekomend him az a good job for all in -search ov a disinterested lion. The lion iz like an auckshioneer in one -respekt, hiz grate strength lays in hiz jaw. In the sighns ov the zodiak -Leo akts on the heart, and this ackounts for the human heart being so -tuff. Next to the gizzard, the heart iz the tuffest piece ov meat in the -whole human kritter. - - -_EXAMININ A PORDUNK VALLEY RALE RODE KONDUKTOR._ - -_President._ Have yu a gold kronometer worth 300 dollars? - -_Konduktor._ Not mutch! - -_President._ Do yu keep a trotter? - -_Konduktor._ Not enny! - -_President._ Hav yu enny dimond rings? - -_Konduktor._ Nary! - -_President._ Do yu own a fiteing dog? - -_Konduktor._ Nothing ov the sort! - -_President._ How much bank stock have yu got? - -_Konduktor._ Not a red! - -_President._ We shant want yu,--the Pordunk valley rale rode haz got -done furnishing konduktors with these things. - - -30 Days. - -NOVEMBER. - -1873. - -Q.--What did Adam and Eve weigh when they left Paradise? - -A.--They weighed ankor and haint dropt it since. @ @ @ - - [Illustration] - - _He sold the mule for 3 dollars' - Worth ov honey in the comb, - Then got himself between the shafts, - And hauld the waggin home._ - -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -|@ | @ || _Diagnosis._ | _LAM CHOPS._ | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -| 1| S || @ @ | | -| 2| G || ketch kold @ @ @ | Whenever yu see a dokter who | -| 3| M || @ _raw but sour_ | alwus travels on the run, yu kan | -| 4| T || @ dough nuts | bet he iz out ov a job. | -| 5| W || found 1590 @ @ @ | | -| 6| T || @ _more sour_ @ | * * * * * | -| 7| F || vinegar invented | | -| 8| S || 1262 @ @ @ @ | | -| 9| G || @ _sour inkreases_ | It iz a grate deal eazier tew be | -|10| M || @ @ @ lemons | a philosopher after a man haz had | -|11| T || had 856 @ @ _sour | hiz dinner, than it iz when he dont | -|12| W || enuff_ @ @ @ @ | kno whare he iz a going tew git it. | -|13| T || @ Lazarus | | -|14| F || waz | * * * * * | -|15| S || a | | -|16| G || poor man @ @ @ | | -|17| M || | Wit without wisdum iz like a | -|18| T || @ @ _sighns ov | song without sense, it dont pleaze | -|19| W || snow_ @ @ hash | long. | -|20| T || fust mixt 1645 @ | * * * * * | -|21| F || _kold wetness_ @ | | -|22| S || @ @ @ @ now fri | I dont bet on prekoshus children, | -|23| G || sassage @ @ _kolder_ | the huckelberry that ripens | -|24| M || @ @ thanksgiving | the soonest iz alwus the fust tew | -|25| T || threatens @ @ | dekay. | -|26| W || _rain and sleet_@ @ | | -|27| T || @ @ be wise | * * * * * | -|28| F || and yu | | -|29| S || will know | The bulk ov mankind are mere | -|30| G || sumthing @ @ @ | imitators ov poor originals. | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ - - - - -_DECEMBER MISSCELLANY._ - - -GEMINI, THE ZODIAK TWINS. - -I have asked several literary people if they would tell me whoze two -children the Gemini waz, but they all shook their heds, and begun tew -whissell. Maybe they thought i waz a kondem phool. I would just like tew -know all about this. Thare iz 2 things in this life for which we are -never fully prepared, and them iz twins. The zodiak twins are a kupple -ov nice little phellows, if their piktur aint mistaken on the subjekt I -never hav saw them only in their pikturs. Twins are two very interesting -acksidents tew happen in sumboddy elses family, but one twin at a time -suits me the most. In the zodiak sighns, the Gemini akt on the arms. I -have alwus noticed that when a person haz twins the sighns are in the -arms. - - -_CLASS IN METAPHISICKS STAND UP._ - -_Teacher._ Which iz the most stubborist animile? - -_Skoller._ The klam, he wont budge a bit! - -_Teacher._ Who iz the most open gaited animile? - -_Skoller._ The swine, he kan open enny kind ov a gate! - -_Teacher._ Which iz the most sure footedest animile? - -_Skoller._ The mewel, he kan hit a man twice in a seckond 10 foot oph. - -_Teacher._ Who iz the most foolishest animile? - -_Skoller._ The goose, he dont kno enuff to go in when it rains. - -_Teacher._ Class in metaphisicks may set down. - - -31 Days. - -DECEMBER. - -1873. - -Q.--What iz the hardest thing a man kan do? @ @ @ - -A.--Tend sumboddy else's baby. @ @ @ @ - - [Illustration] - - _Hiz wife (God bless her) went out tew push, - And learn whi this waz sutch, - Joel dropt a tear, and sed, - "Hannah! I've swopt once tew mutch."_ - -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -|@ | @ || _Diagnosis._ | _BROOK TROUT._ | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -| 1| M || @ The fust | | -| 2| T || flea kaught | The principal importanse ov a | -| 3| W || 1210 @ @ @ | mistery iz the mistery itself,--what| -| 4| T || @ _bitter kold_ @ | makes a ghost so respecktable | -| 5| F || @ @ the flea | a karakter iz, that noboddy | -| 6| S || got away @ @ @ | ever saw one. | -| 7| G || @ _it snows_ @ now | | -| 8| M || assasinate hogs @ @ | | -| 9| T || @ Rachel Blood-good | * * * * * | -|10| W || born 1813 | | -|11| T || @ @ _the kold iz | | -|12| F || kold_ @ @ @ @ @ | Affektashun alwus looks well in | -|13| S || @ @ Rachel | a monkey. | -|14| G || waz a | | -|15| M || spinster @ @ @ | | -|16| T || @ @ _kolder_ @ @ | * * * * * | -|17| W || | | -|18| T || @ Rachel | | -|19| F || spun yarns @ @ | Trieing to define love, iz like | -|20| S || @ ice 2 foot thick | trieing tew tell how yu kum tew | -|21| G || on the level @ @ | brake thru the ice,--all yu know | -|22| M || _sumwhat kolder_ | about it iz, yu fell in and got | -|23| T || @ @ @ @ now | _ducked_. | -|24| W || attak buk wheat | | -|25| T || kakes @ @ @ @ | | -|26| F || ¶ _awful kold_ @ | * * * * * | -|27| S || @ @ @ hot | | -|28| G || lemonade | | -|29| M || diskoverd 1306 @ | A wize man never enjoys himself | -|30| T || @ _expekt snow_ @ @ @ | so mutch, nor a phool so | -|31| W || @ Good-bye @ | little, az when alone. | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ - - - - -_SIGHNS AND WONDERS FOR THE YEAR 1874._ - - -Whenever yu see a yung man hanging around a korner grosery, and drinking -3 cent gin every time he kan git enny boddy tew ask him, yu kan make up -yure mind that he haz bin unanimously nominated for the stait prizon, -and will probably git his elekshun. - - * * * * * - -Whenever yu see an old goose setting on a post hole, and trieing tew -hatch the hole out, yu kan cum tew the konklushun that she is strikly a -one idee goose. - - * * * * * - -Whenever a forlorn kat gits under yure windo, in a hot nite, and begins -tew holler, yu may kno that kat wants sumthing,--killing, probberbly. - - * * * * * - -Whenever yu see a dog stop suddintly, in the road, with a flee onto him, -and begin tew flea round, and round, after himself, untill he falls -down, and rools over, yu will say tew yureself, that dorg iz like the -wicked, he fleas, when no man perseweth. - - - - -_OIL OF KONSOLASHUN._ - - -The "Josh Billings Allminax" iz one ov our tex books, at the Pordunk -Feminine Institoot. - -_Mrs. Charity Skidmore, A.M._ - - * * * * * - -Medisin Book--Ugh!! - -_Spotted tail, Chief ov the Pawnees._ - - * * * * * - -Full ov thought, full ov pathos, full ov phun. - -_John Brace, L.L.D._ - - * * * * * - -It's a big thing, bi Jupiter. - -_Billy Murdok._ - - * * * * * - -How spontaneous! How pathetic! How preponderating! How!--How are yu -Josh! - -_Doktor Blake._ - - * * * * * - -Oh yu pesky thing, Josh! yu are too killing. - -_Sally Ann Sprauge._ - - - - -_ADAM BILLINGS._ - - -HIZ MEMORANDUM. - -Adam Billings waz the fust ov the Billingses. He waz verry phatt. Little -did he dream ov the glorious krop that waz a going tew spring up from -hiz sowing. He waz born, az near as i kan figger, about the year 1200, -more or less. Hiz temper iz represented az being az even az the figger -2. Hiz habits were az pure az the mountain dew; he never drinkt enny -spiritous rum, nor root elevators. He went barefutt untill hiz 32d year, -and ever afterwards luved the naked futt. He waz a good danser, and -realized thoze blessed old shake downs, now gone and fled. He waz named -after the original Adam, and iz sed, bi them who remember them both, tew -resembel him mutch in the kast ov hiz face. He waz too fond ov the -marvelous, he wouldn't tell a lie exackly, but he could cum az near tew -it, az a swallo kan to a frog's noze, when they skim a mud puddle. Adam -Billings iz now ded, i beleave, but if he aint, and this should meet hiz -eye, he kant, i think, but admire the square manner in which his luvely -relik haz handled his case. Adam Billings didn't leave much reputashun -behind him, but what he did leave, is fair tew middling. We nee'r shall -see him more. Probably not. Too true. Rather melankolly than otherwise. - - * * * * * - -_MORAL._ - -Thare iz naut so hard for grief tew handle, -Az the man whoze ribs are phatt 's a kandle. - - -Josh Billings, and the Yung Man.= - -Yung Man, dont kry for spilt milk, but pik up yure pail, and milking -stool, and go for the next Cow.= Yures affekshionately, Josh Billings. - - -Tite Boots - -Thare iz only one thing that kan be sed in favour ov tite Boots--they -make a man forgit all his other Sorrows.= Josh Billings. - - -31 Days. - -JANUARY. - -1874. - -Q.--What iz ginger pop? @ @ @ @ - -A.--Gimnastic water. @ @ @ - - [Illustration: PODUNK SCHOOL] - - _In Pordunk town thare lived a man, - A man ov small posseshion, - Hezekiah Birch waz hiz name, - A teacher bi profeshun._ - -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -|@ | @ || _Kronollogy._ | _KINDLING WOOD._ | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -| 1| T || @ @ _Now kold | | -| 2| F || weather_ @ @ | Snobs are alwus toadys. | -| 3| S || @ haz froze @ | | -| 4| G || @ @ the tender | | -| 5| M || bull frog @ @ @ | * * * * * | -| 6| T || @ @ up solid | | -| 7| W || @ @ @ and the | | -| 8| T || melodious goose | Diogoneze hunted in the da | -| 9| F || iz hush @ | time for an honest man, with a | -|10| S || @ in stillness | lantern; if he had lived in theze | -|11| G || @ @ and the | times, he would hav needed the | -|12| M || old she kat @ | hed lite ov a lokomotiff. | -|13| T || @ dreams beneath | | -|14| W || the @ @ | | -|15| T || cook stove @ and | | -|16| F || @ the luscious | * * * * * | -|17| S || slapjax smokes @ | | -|18| G || @ on the table @ | | -|19| M || | | -|20| T || @ @ @ and the | A pedant iz like a yung rooster, | -|21| W || Widow Stebbins' | he crows in season, and out ov | -|22| T || @ @ wood pile | season. | -|23| F || grows less @ | | -|24| S || every day | | -|25| G || @ @ @ and the | * * * * * | -|26| M || roze that @ @ | | -|27| T || @ all are praizing | | -|28| W || iz not the @ | Thare iz no kure for vanity, | -|29| T || roze for @ @ @ | gitting thoroly wet cums the | -|30| F || me @ or enny | nearest to it, for the time being. | -|31| S || other man!!! @ | | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ - - - - -_ZEPHENIAH BILLINGS._ - - -HIZ MEMORANDUM. - -Zepheniah Billings waz a phiddler bi birth and purswashun. He also had -another natral gift, and that waz tew owe everyboddy. Late in life he -quit phiddling, and took up shumaking; but the world lost a good phidler -bi the operashun, and got a kussid poor shumaker. Oh! 'tis ever thus. At -hiz final deth he owed upwards ov 70 dollars, and hiz leavings konsisted -ov one old phiddle, and a pint ov bass wood shupegs. He would travel on -foot 7 miles tew a kuntry tavern, and phiddle all nite at a kuntry bawl -for 75 cents, and owe the landlord two dollars and a half nex morning -for vittles and drink. Zeph' was an unprofitable man to know, for he -couldn't tend an evening meeting, on sunday, without running into det to -sumboddy. It waz sed ov him, that he waz never known tew shed a tear or -pa a det. He died finally, and i presume he was saved; but he may hav -bin lost, for accidents will happen in the uppermost familys. He had a -cool hed, and a warm harte. Bless Zepheniah Billings, he was a ripe -skollar on the phiddle, and could pla "_Tare her down Sal_," and sich -dear old sweet-savoured things, klean up tew perfekshun. He haz gone -now, allass! allass! but i am prepared tew say, in the language ov -another, "Bully for yu, Zepheniah!" All flesh iz grass. So iv'e bin -told. Funny. Mutch. - - * * * * * - -_MORAL._ - -To kure the fidgits and calm the bile, -The phiddle iz like kastor ile. - - -28 Days. FEBRUARY. 1874. - -Q.--What iz man? @ @ @ - -A.--Live dirt. @ @ @ - - [Illustration] - - _For twenty long and weary years, - He meekly workt for others good, - And well he taught the distrik skool, - Boardin round the naborhood._ - -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -|@ | @ || _Kronollogy._ | _PLUM PITS._ | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -| 1| G || Now marry @ now | Human natur iz like cow natur, | -| 2| M || thrash oats § now | i hav known them both tew giv a | -| 3| T || @ puntch fires @ | good mess ov milk, and then kik | -| 4| W || now ketch rats @ | it over. | -| 5| T || @ now eat @ | | -| 6| F || @ hash @ | | -| 7| S || @ now | * * * * * | -| 8| G || @ grease boots @ | | -| 9| M || @ @ now pla | | -|10| T || @ checkers @ now | I luv a phool, what little i kno | -|11| W || sing sams @ @ @ | i hav larnt by hanging around | -|12| T || @ @ now chew | them. | -|13| F || gum @§@ @ now | | -|14| S || [§§] kurl hair (!) | | -|15| G || now mux @ | * * * * * | -|16| M || @ sassage @ now | | -|17| T || @ jerk wood | | -|18| W || now kil duks @ | Munny makes munny. We all | -|19| T || ([@ @) now | ov us take our korn to the ritch | -|20| F || kil time †] @ now | miller tew hav it ground. | -|21| S || @ swop hens | | -|22| G || @ @ @ @ now | | -|23| M || yoke steers @ | * * * * * | -|24| T || now tell @ @ | | -|25| W || @ yarns--now | | -|26| T ||sighn the pledge [?] | Thare iz two kinds ov wize people | -|27| F || @ now go to bed @ | in this world, the _wize_ and the | -|28| S || | _unwize_. | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ - - - - -_JEHOSSAPHATT BILLINGS._ - - -HIS MEMORANDUM. - -Jehossiphat Billings waz a very kluss man; he never waz known tew waste -ennything, by giving it away. The grate extravaganse ov hiz life, and -the one he never forgot tew speak ov, waz giving 3 dollars towards -bilding the Pordunk meetin hous. After he giv the munny, he took such a -deep interest in the work on the metin house, that the kommitty waz -obliged tew giv him bak the munny to git shut ov him. He swore he'd sue -them for the interest on the munny, but he never did. Jehoss' Billings -waz one ov them kind ov men who mistake avarice for ekonemy. He died at -the age of 63, if i hav sarched right, from an overdose ov klam chowder -drank at a free lunch. Jehossiphatt Billings had his phailings, but -rekless extravaganse want amung the lot, he also had his virteus, but -blind and irrepressible generosity want among this lot neither. He waz -buried, without eny fuss, in the year 1286. What has bekum ov him I kant -state. Sleep on, Jehossiphat, in thi slumbers. I would like tew say sum -more about Jehoss', but i kant without telling the truth. Truth iz -sumtimes like a hot pertato, the only way tew handle it eazy, is tew -drop it. I will dri up here. The end. Hush! Lay low. - - * * * * * - -_MORAL._ - -The klussest man i ever knu, -Waz Deakon Erastus Meggs, -Tew save expense, he oft would sett, -Hiz pullets on spile-ed eggs. - - -31 Days. MARCH. 1874. - -Q.--What iz hash? @ @ @ - -A.--A konfidense game. @ @ @ - - [Illustration] - - _He sawed the wood and bilt the fires, - And while the boys were playing, - Hurried, and swept the skool hous out, - And dun a little praying._ - -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -|@ | @ || _Kronollogy._ | _SNAPPIN TURKLES._ | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -| 1| G || @ @ Tell me | Humility iz cup bearer to wisdum. | -| 2| M || yee whispring | | -| 3| T || winds @ when @ | | -| 4| W || @ @ @ hens | * * * * * | -| 5| T || @ will lay @ | | -| 6| F || and | | -| 7| S || @ what will @ @ | Thare iz plenty ov pholks in | -| 8| G || be next @ @ @ | this world whoze hartes bleed for | -| 9| M || @ @ spring | the poor, but whoze pocket-books | -|10| T || the price @ @ | never do. | -|11| W || ov hay @ | | -|12| T || @ @ @ and | | -|13| F || tell me if @ @ @ | * * * * * | -|14| S || @ @ yu kan | | -|15| G || whare i will @ | | -|16| M ||@ @ find an honest | The man who iz willing tew | -|17| T || man @ @ and @ | help everyboddy (i am sorry to | -|18| W || @ also tell me @ | say this), iz willing tew be | -|19| T || @ whare all | cheated by everyboddy. | -|20| F || @ @ @ the modest | | -|21| S || wimmin are @ @ @ | | -|22| G || @ tell me @ @ | * * * * * | -|23| M || @ theze things | | -|24| T || and tell me @ @ | | -|25| W || @ true @ and | If i kan set the fashions for a | -|26| T || @ whispring | people, i dont kare who makes | -|27| F || winds @ @ @ | their laws. | -|28| S || @ @ i'll be @ | | -|29| G || @ mutch obliged | | -|30| M || @ to yu @ | | -|31| T || | | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ - - - - -_MELKISIDEK BILLINGS._ - - -HIZ MEMORANDUM. - -Melkisidek Billings waz a dandy ov the old skool, and also a lover. He -loved the whole entire femail populashun. He parted hiz hare in the -middle, and did it unkommon even. He had one grate weakness which grew -on him, and that waz the length ov hiz little finger-nale. Historians -say that this finger-nale gru tew be a yard in length, but it strikes me -that this must be a profound lie. He waz a very punktillious man, in hiz -every-day wear, and drest chuck up tew the fashun. Melkisidek hadn't -mutch branes, but he didn't need much, for hiz bizzness thru life waz -the lover bizzness. Just before he died he marrid, and left one dauter, -a sentimental offspring, who afterwards run away, at the age ov 16, with -a dansing master. Mel' Billings waz ov the nuter jender, he hadn't -karakter enuff to do enny hurt, and ov kourse kouldn't do enny good. He -died about the right time, anno dominoze, 1695, and waz buried -comfortably in the grave yard, at lower Pordunk town. Melkisidek -Billings waz mi ansesstor, and that waz kind in him. He had an epitaff -on hiz stone which i dont rekolekt ov ever seeing in print before, and -for the benefit ov those who studdy theze memorandums i will translate -it. "_An honest man iz the nobless work ov God._" Good, aint it? Rather! - - -_MORAL._ - -Dandys are a harmless crew, - Ov the butterfly purswashun; -Happy with a nektie new, - Hero's ov sum small ockashun. - - -30 Days. - -APRIL. - -1874. - -Q.--Define twins? @ @ - -A.--2 mutch. @ @ @ - - [Illustration] - - _In this big, but pekuliar world, - Not a friend had Hezekiah, - The boys put pins into hiz chair, - And water in hiz hair diah._ - -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -|@ | @ || _Kronollogy._ | _QUALE ON TOAST._ | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -| 1| W || @ Hark @ the | | -| 2| T || violet cums @ @ @ | Sum pholks are like kats, so | -| 3| F || on tip toze | well ballanced that they alwuss | -| 4| S || @ and the | strike on their feet when they | -| 5| G || yello dandy @ @ | fall. | -| 6| M || @ @ lion gilds | | -| 7| T || the sod @ and | * * * * * | -| 8| W || krickets kraul @ | | -| 9| T || @ @ @ from out | | -|10| F || their holes @ @ | Lovers are alwuss defineing | -|11| S || @ and loafers | their extacys, but they are in no | -|12| G || seek the sun @ @ | better condishun tew do it, than | -|13| M || @ and dogs | a drunken man iz tew deliver a | -|14| T || @ @ tree kats | tempranse lektur. | -|15| W || and frogs begin | | -|16| T || @ tew jabber @ | | -|17| F || @ @ and tinkers | | -|18| S || tramp @ and | * * * * * | -|19| G || April phool @ @ @ | | -|20| M || | | -|21| T || @ grins at | | -|22| W || every corner @ @ | Silence iz alwus safe. | -|23| T || @ @ and--hark | | -|24| F || from the tombs @ | | -|25| S || @ @ a doleful | | -|26| G || @ [!!] sound | * * * * * | -|27| M || @ mine ears @ | | -|28| T || attend @ @ @ | | -|29| W || @ the cry @ @ | False praze iz the wust kind ov | -|30| T || and so forth @ @ | slander. | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ - - - - -_SOLOMAN BILLINGS._ - - -HIZ MEMORANDUM. - -Soloman Billings waz born the 26th ov May, 1322, old stile. He waz knone -fur and near for hiz chunks ov wisdum, but, like Soloman ov old, he -could talk wisdum better than he could do it. This iz the way with all -the wize men i hav met lately. Soloman Billings waz a leetle slippery, -but he managed tew git thru life without slipping down mutch, and died -reazonably well. He waz sed, bi all who knu him, tew be chuk full ov -wisdum; he could tell, bi looking at the egg, how mutch a goslin would -weigh before it waz born, and when the best time waz tew set a hen or a -gate-post. Sol's mouth waz full ov wisdum; litening couldn't strike a -tree, just for fun, but what he would preach a moral sermon from the -tex. He waz dredful sertain ov what he did kno, and want the least bit -unsertain ov what he didn't kno. I find in digging down tew the hard pan -ov Soloman, mi ansesstor, that he had a grate deal ov vanity, a large -amount ov impudense, a good supply ov inkredulity, just the things, for -all the world, tew make a wize phool out of. He died az aforesed, and i -look bak upon him az one who haz departed this life. Adew, Soloman, mi -ansesstor. Deth iz tuff. Sumwhat! I will add, quite. - - -_MORAL._ - -Wisdom chunks are chunkier far, -Than all the chunks that chunky ar. - - - [Illustration: Josh Billings Ultimatum.] - - The man who kan wear a paper collar, a whole week, and keep it - klean,--aint good for enny thing else.= - - Jess so, Josh Billings. - - - [Illustration: Josh Billings, and the Bull.] - - Never take the Bull bi the horns Yung Man, but take him bi the tale. - Then yu kan let go when yu want to.= - - Yure warm friend, Josh Billings - - -31 Days. - -MAY. - -1874. - -Q.--What iz ignorance? @ @ @ - -A.--Raw happiness. @ @ @ - - [Illustration] - - _The skule kommitty made him work, - (How krewel and unphealling,) - For less than a bartender gits, - And nary chance for stealing._ - -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -|@ | @ || _Kronollogy._ | _POP KORN._ | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -| 1| F || @ Now the | | -| 2| S || vain rooster @ @ | I dont kare what a mans | -| 3| G || @ @ splits hiz | kondishun in life iz, if he iz too | -| 4| M || thrut @ and | mutch for the kondishun he iz a | -| 5| T || @ hope exultant @ | hero. | -| 6| W || spreds her @ @ | | -| 7| T || @ downy wing | | -| 8| F || and life iz short @ | * * * * * | -| 9| S || @ @ but sweet | | -|10| G || @ and lettiss @ | | -|11| M || grows apace | | -|12| T || @ and giv me @ | Avarice iz about the only | -|13| W || @ liberty or @ | pashun that improves by age. | -|14| T || @ giv me deth | | -|15| F || @ @ @ and what's | | -|16| S || @ the matter @ | | -|17| G || with Hannah @ | * * * * * | -|18| M || | | -|19| T || @ and hav | | -|20| W || yu heard @ @ | | -|21| T || @ that deakon | The truly brave are alwus | -|22| F || Jones @ | generous. | -|23| S || @ @ @ @ @ haz | | -|24| G || lost a @ @ | | -|25| M || @ @ heifer | | -|26| T || @ and sich @ | * * * * * | -|27| W || iz life @ | | -|28| T || and woodman @ @ | | -|29| F || @ @ @ | He whom prosperity makes | -|30| S || spare that @ | humble and thankful, adversity | -|31| G || @ @ tree @ and @ | haz no power over. | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ - - - - -_DUTERONOMY BILLINGS._ - - -HIZ MEMORANDUM. - -Duteronomy Billings waz a square man. He waz az square az the bloks on a -checker-board. He waz just the same kind ov a man in the fall, az he waz -in the spring ov the year; yu didn't hav tew winter him tew find out who -he waz. He alwus did az he agreed, but waz dredful bakward about -agreeing. Duteronomy waz immense in one thing, and that waz the length -ov hiz noze. He had more noze ackordin, than enny man in history. One -writer ov the eleventh sentury, sez hiz noze waz 8 inches in length, and -another makes it a frackshun over 10 inches; i will split the -difference, and call it 7. If Dute' waz alive now, i think he would -sustain mi figgures. In writing theze details ov mi ansesstors, i am -guided bi a luv tew do a square thing, and if i er, it will be all owing -tew mi luk. I never waz right lucky since I had the meazles. They took -place in the 14th year ov mi age, when i lived with mi unkle. I had them -too thik. Duteronomy Billings waz named after old Duteronomy ov bible -times, and az ansesstors run, he waz a very good kind ov a one tew hav. -He died az he had lived, exackly square. In konklushun i will say lie -still dear Dute', yu hav got a square thing. Thare iz force in the idee. -I may add, grate force. Very. Indeed. - - -_MORAL._ - -Sum men are oktagon, - And sum three-sided are, -'Tis mortal tuff tew find one - Who iz kompletely square. - - -30 Days. - -JUNE. - -1874. - -Q.--Define the hen? @ @ @ - -A.--A lay member. @ @ - - [Illustration: KONDEMIT] - - _Tho kivvered o'er with sich abuse, - He never fout agen it, - The very wuss that Hez' would kuss, - Waz the simple word KONDEMIT._ - -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -|@ | @ || _Kronollogy._ | _KREAM OV TARTAR._ | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -| 1| M || @ Can the | | -| 2| T || leopard change @ | Vice makes a man kunning, | -| 3| W || @ hiz name @ waz | virtew makes him wize. | -| 4| T || Norval on the @ | | -| 5| F || Grampine hills | | -| 6| S || @ he loved not @ | * * * * * | -| 7| G || | | -| 8| M || wizely but too | | -| 9| T || @ menny @ cooks | | -|10| W || spile @ the brakeing | The ritch spend their time in | -|11| T || @ wares dashed @ | kreating wants, the poor in | -|12| F || hi low Jak @ and | gratifying them,--the poor are | -|13| S || @ @ the game | the most sensible. | -|14| G || of brag iz good @ | | -|15| M || @ but holdfast | | -|16| T || iz better @ @ | * * * * * | -|17| W || @ @ @ late than | | -|18| T || never too old @ | | -|19| F || @ to learn @ | The man who iz the most fraid | -|20| S || @ @ the luxury | tew die, iz the one who knows | -|21| G || ov doing | least how tew liv. | -|22| M || @ good @ bye @ | | -|23| T || sweetheart | | -|24| W || @ and George @ | * * * * * | -|25| T || @ @ Washington | | -|26| F || waz | | -|27| S || the father @ @ | | -|28| G || @ @ ov hiz | I had rather be a boy again, | -|29| M || natiff @ @ | than tew be the autokrat ov the | -|30| T || @ @ land @ @ | world. | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ - - - - -_PORKANBEANS BILLINGS._ - - -HIZ MEMORANDUM. - -Porkanbeans Billings lived and throve in the 16th sentury. He loved a -horse with grate power. He could swop a horse clusser than enny man that -imparshall history tells ov. He iz sed tew have swopped Deakon Absolem -Featherweight, klean out ov a 5 year old sorrel horse, at one swop, and -the deakon waz looked upon az almost insurmountable in a dikker. Not tew -disguise the fakt, Porky Billings waz a hoss jockey ov the anshunt daze, -one who hung around the village tavern, and alwuss had on hand an old -flag-tailed pelter, with a glass eye, tew trade with ennyboddy. I dont -feal like bragging ov Porkanbeans az an ansesstor, but i must say, az a -horse jockey, (if all reports are trew) i feal proud ov him. I forgot -tew state, that Porky left no property. Thare iz a grate deal ov genius -in the horse-swop bizzness but fu assetts. Porkanbeans died instantly, -sumwhare about the fust ov the 17th sentury. He waz struk bi the hind -feet ov a mule. Moral karakter even wont save a phello-being from -dissolushun, when a mule goes for him with both hind feet at once. Sich -iz life. Sich iz the mule. Porkanbeans haz my sympathy, he also haz mi -tears, but i dont serpose they will be worth mutch tew him now, he iz -too ded. Fairwell old phello-being, fairwell mi ansesstor. Deth iz our -porshun. I think i kan say this without making a phool ov miself. -Undoubtedly. Yes. Jiss so. - - -_MORAL._ - -Tew swop a horse and not git beat, - Iz sumthing nice tew brag on, -I tried it once, and that's the time - I lost a horse--and waggon. - - -31 Days. - -JULY. - -1874. - -Q.--Pleaze defin a good wife? @ @ @ - -A.--A silent partner in the consarn. @ @ @ - - [Illustration: PORDUNK DIET - - PORK AND BEANS] - - _Dont talk to me ov anshunt Job, - Ov biles he had a plenty, - But they were all one breed ov biles, - Leastwise 19 out ov twenty._ - -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -|@ | @ || _Kronollogy._ | _SHOOTING STARS._ *** | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -| 1| W || @ Grate hot @ | | -| 2| T || @ Billy Buckram | One ov the eazyest things tew | -| 3| F || died 1304 @ @ | hear ov, and at the same time | -| 4| S || @ carry the @ | one ov the hardest tew find, iz a | -| 5| G || news to Mary @ | ghost. | -| 6| M || @ @ hotter still @ | | -| 7| T || i luv it @ hot | | -| 8| W || inkreases @ @ @ | * * * * * | -| 9| T || @ @ i luv it @ | | -|10| F || still hotter @ that | | -|11| S || old arm chair @ | It iz only a step from lazyness | -|12| G || | tew vice, and a short one at that. | -|13| M || @ @ awful hot | | -|14| T || and who shall | | -|15| W || @ more hot @ | | -|16| T || chide me @ cooler | * * * * * | -|17| F || @ @ with rain @ | | -|18| S || @ @ for luving | | -|19| G || lightning and | | -|20| M || thunder @ @ @ | Thare iz lots ov people who | -|21| T || that @ still hot | mistake their imaginashun for | -|22| W || @ @ that @ Nancy | their memory. | -|23| T || Dodge born @ @ | | -|24| F || 1786 @ old | | -|25| S || @ arm chair @ | | -|26| G || @ @ wind south | * * * * * | -|27| M || mad dogs @ @ @ | | -|28| T || @ @@ seen @ the | | -|29| W || boy stood on @ @ | | -|30| T || @ the burning dek | Bashfullness that kant be overcome, | -|31| F || mutch weather @ | iz modesty. | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ - - - - -_JAMAIKA BILLINGS._ - - -HIZ MEMORANDUM. - -Jamaika Billings waz sed bi good judges ov the artikle, tew be the -lazyest man that ever visited this world. At the age ov 14 he waz -pronounced bi the doktors too lazy tew ketch flies. He waz named after -hiz unkle who had a grate speshiality in the jamaika-rum line, and who -could float more ardent speerits, on an evener keel, than enny human -kraft in thoze daze. Jamaika lived tew a grate extent; sum say that he -waz 160 when he died, and sum put it at 142, but all giv in that he -didn't di from enny disseaze, but kind ov lazyed tew deth. He waz born -tired, and never outgru it. He marrid at 37, but hiz wife left him at -the end ov the fust month ov their nupshalls, taking with her all the -pussonell affekts, whitch were a kupple ov cedar wash-tubs, and a -seckond-hand buggy harness, brass-mounted. Her fust name waz Polly Ann. -They never met afterwards, if they did, history dont kno it. Jamak'e -Billings didn't hav enny vice tew speak ov, he waz even too lazy for -that. He seems tew hav spent hiz life in hanging around places, keeping -ragged and phatt on nothing. He died in Old Pordunk, and i suppoze waz -burried, but history dont say so, in jiss so menny words. He waz mi -ansesstor, but i kant help it. Can I? I hav bin told not. Queer. - - -_MORAL._ - -I never knu, in all mi life, - Enny man tew go krazy, -Who alwuss took things setting down, - And kultivated hiz lazy. - - -31 Days. - -AUGUST. - -1874. - -Q.--What iz a cock loft @ @ @ - -A.--A roosters hed. @ @ @ - - [Illustration] - - _But in a distrik skool i kno, - Each boy's a bile uncommon, - And must a diffrent poultiss hav, - Tew git a hed upon em._ - -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -|@ | @ || _Kronollogy._ | _MUSHROOMS._ | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -| 1| S || Huge heat @ @ | | -| 2| G || @ David Blair | It iz az hard work tew git | -| 3| M || born 1818 @ @ @ | acquainted with a haff bred | -| 4| T || @ hot inkreases | family, az it iz for them tew | -| 5| W || @ @ David Blair | conceal their pedigree. | -| 6| T || waz an | | -| 7| F || @ essence pedlar @ | | -| 8| S || thunder showers @ | * * * * * | -| 9| G || @ now keep @ | | -|10| M || @ cool @ @ hotter | | -|11| T || | | -|12| W || @ @ if enny man | If a man knows himself thoroughly, | -|13| T || attempts tew @ | he iz az wize az he kan | -|14| F || @ more hot @ | be in this life. | -|15| S || haul down @ good | | -|16| G || @ hot @ the flag | | -|17| M || @ red hot @ shute | * * * * * | -|18| T || him on the @ | | -|19| W || @ spot @ cooler | | -|20| T || now @ Bully for | I luv tew watch the sports ov | -|21| F || Dix @ @ now lay | children, they kant be children | -|22| S || @ @ in yure sun @ | but once, and then but a short | -|23| G || strokes @ for next | time. | -|24| M || @ winter @ it biles! | | -|25| T || @ Mike Doolittle | | -|26| W || born 1830 @ died | * * * * * | -|27| T || 1850 @ Mike done | | -|28| F || but little here belo | | -|29| S || nor dun that little @ | Hope claims the most, and iz | -|30| G || @ long @ now | satisfied with the least, ov enny | -|31| M || konkockt juleps @ | pashun ov the harte. | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ - - - - -_EKLEEZIASTIKS BILLINGS._ - - -HIZ MEMORANDUM. - -Ekleeziastiks Billings waz a Puritan bi natur and occupashun. He waz az -puritan az spring lam soaked in mint saus. Sum ov the most kold and -thawless stok in all Nu England oozed from Ekleeze' Billings. He waz -kreated nominally in the year 1570, and had hiz trunk packed tew cum -over in the May Flower, but didn't cum. He cum over the nex fall, and -went immejiately into the pilgrim bizzness. Ekleeziastiks kept a grocery -store, and never sanded hiz sugar, nor watered hiz Nu England rum -without fust asking tew be forgiv for it. How pure! how lam like! -Ekleeziastiks waz very tall, but then he waz very thin; he waz over 6 -feet perpendiklar, and not quite 7 inches thru. He weighed 146 with hiz -winter clothes and cowhide boots on. He preserved hiz thinity unto deth. -He died from eating too mutch garden-truk. How sad! how disinterested! -Ekleesiastiks had one virtew which shines tew this day, he waz very -saving ov hiz clothes. Hiz best blu koat, with brass buttons on, and a -sharp tail tew it, he wore for 18 years, and then kut oph the buttons -and had it prest out, and sent it tew the heathen. Ekleeze' waz both a -saving and a libral kuss. He lived tew be over 90, and then died game; -he wouldn't hav enny doktor. He dispized doktors bills. How touching! -Truly. How touchful! Really. - - * * * * * - -_MORAL._ - -Blest iz the man who iz partikular, -And duz all things up perpindikular. - (Chorus.) Ri fol de rol, ri folderikular. - - - [Illustration] - - Josh Billings, and the Twins. = - - Thare iz 2 things in this world for which we are never fully prepared, - and that is.--twins.= - - Jess so, Jess so, Josh Billings. - - - [Illustration] - - Josh Billings on the haff shell.= - - The man who swallowed the fust oyster, from the haff shell must hav - been astonished, at the sudden way it waz dun, but I dont beleave he - waz more suprized, than the oyster waz.= Josh.= - - - - -30 Days. SEPTEMBER. 1874. - -Q.--Define honesty? @ @ @ - -A.--The wag ov a dogs tail. @ @ @ - - [Illustration] - - _The only kind ov konsolashun - This man got, aint worth a kuss, - For 'twas PITTY,--and we all kno - PITTY iz but mild disguss._ - -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -|@ | @ || _Kronollogy._ | _KAPER SAUS._ | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -| 1| T || * Butiful weather | Genuine wit dont make a man | -| 2| W || elegant weather @ | laff enny more than logick duz. | -| 3| T || @ deliteful weather | | -| 4| F || superb weather @ | | -| 5| S || @ @ divine weather | | -| 6| G || charming weather | * * * * * | -| 7| M || exquisitt weather @ | | -| 8| T || emoshional weather | | -| 9| W || @ gorgeous weather | | -|10| T ||* celestial weather * | Yu kan buy larning, but wit | -|11| F || blissful weather @ | and wisdum are the gift ov God. | -|12| S || @ grate weather @ | | -|13| G || @ fine weather @ @ | | -|14| M || @ delishus weather | | -|15| T || heavenly weather @ | * * * * * | -|16| W || @ glorious weather | | -|17| T || magnificient @ @ | | -|18| F || @ @ weather @ | | -|19| S || gushing weather | Energy iz another name for | -|20| G || @ sweet weather @ | kapacity. | -|21| M || exhuberant weather | | -|22| T || @ poetick weather | | -|23| W || fragrant weather @ | | -|24| T || @ luvely weather | * * * * * | -|25| F || languishing weather | | -|26| S || soft weather @ mild | | -|27| G ||weather @ bewitching | | -|28| M || weather @ and | Yung men, like grayhounds, | -|29| T || common weather @ | follow by sight; old men, like | -|30| W || | bloodhounds, follow by track. | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ - - - - -_LUKE BILLINGS._ - - -HIZ MEMORANDUM. - -Luke Billings waz a skool-master ov the Nu England type and shaddo. He -waz an uprite and an austere man, az uprite az a sperm kandle, and az -austere az hoss-radish. I look bak onto Luke's memoirs and pitty him, -for i pitty awl distrikt-skool masters, all mothers-in-law, and all -grass widders. Luke Billings spent hiz whole life in the distrik-skool -spekulashun, and died az poor az a salt kodfish. Hiz assetts konsisted -ov a pocket-komb and a nu testament. He used tew board round the -naborhood, and waz alwuss az hungry az a pikrel. He never had enny -friends, nor enny enemys; he waz like a gide-board in this respek. Luke -Billings never got marrid, he hadn't the time tew spare. He waz severely -engaged, for 26 years, tew Nancy Burbanks, but they both died intestate. -They sleep cluss together, in the old grave-yard, at lower Pordunk. -Sleep on! sleep on! dear old virgin couple, and pay no attenshun tew -noboddy. Lukey wore hiz hare long behind, and kept a distrik skool 34 -years 6 months and 17 daze. Oh, dear! oh, dear! Luke i pitty yu. Luke -Billings iz an ansesstor that i look bak upon every now and then with my -memory, and want tew fite sumboddy on hiz ackount. Fairwell, luvely -Luke. Fairwell Lukey. Fairwell. Enuff sed. - - * * * * * - -_MORAL._ - -From keeping skool, and the pay, - Two things pestiverous, -I feel az tho' I'd like to say, - Good Lord! deliver us. - - -31 Days. OCTOBER. 1874. - -Q.--What iz a husband? @ @ @ - -A.--Gander ov the ockashun. @ @ @ - - [Illustration] - - _Much rather would i hav a man, - Than offer me hiz pitty, - Hit me rite smart long side the hed, - For that mite make me gritty._ - -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -|@ | @ || _Kronollogy._ | _KONDENSED MILK._ | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -| 1| T ||@ @ About these @ | The more rare a mans qualitys | -| 2| F || days expekt rain | are, the more he will be found | -| 3| S || @ @ @ now worry | falt with,--dust on a dimond iz | -| 4| G || wood chucks @ @ | alwus more noticeable than dust | -| 5| M || @ @ sighns ov | on a brik. | -| 6| T || snow @ @ @ now | | -| 7| W ||hurry coons @ @ @ | | -| 8| T || @ cooler @ now | * * * * * | -| 9| F || @ persekute musk | | -|10| S || rats @ frost @ @ | | -|11| G || @ @ now | Experience teaches a good | -|12| M ||@ @ hunt patridge @ | many things, but dont learn us | -|13| T || @ quite kold @ | but a phew. | -|14| W ||@ now chase quails | | -|15| T || more snow @ now | | -|16| F ||@ pester foxes @ @ | * * * * * | -|17| S || @ sour rain @ | | -|18| G || @ now persew @ @ | | -|19| M || bears @ hard | I hav seen old villains who | -|20| T || @ frost @ @ now | were komparitively pure, they had | -|21| W || sarch for @ | either worn out their vices, or | -|22| T ||@ @ @ elephants @ | their vices had wore out them, i | -|23| F || @ @ more kold @ | dont kno whitch. | -|24| S || @ now go for | | -|25| G || anakondys @ @ | | -|26| M || @ freezing @ now | * * * * * | -|27| T || @ prospekt for @ | | -|28| W || Behomaths @ raw | | -|29| T ||kold @ now dig for | It requires the gratest ov skill | -|30| F || mastedons @ now @ | tew hide a weakness. | -|31| S || | | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ - - - - -_NEBUDKENNEZZAR BILLINGS._ - - -HIZ MEMORANDUM. - -Nebudkennezzar Billings waz an orphan bi birth, and kept a hotel, he -did. When yu got fride pork at hiz house, it waz fride pork, it waz. Yu -didn't hav a bill ov fare tew tell what it waz, yu didn't. Hiz wife waz -smarter than chane litening, and kleaner than a ghost, she waz. Her hash -didn't hav enny paving-stuns, nor kart-wheels in it, it didn't. Yu mite -az well hunt for the lost tribes ov Izrael on her premises, az to hunt -for a kokroach, yu mite. Neb's wife had red hare, and waz bony put -together, and could fri pork, tend bar, harness a hoss, trade with a -peddlar, and make a gin-sling that could almost talk, she could. -Nebudkennezzar Billings waz a pollytishioner, and run hard for konstable -in old Pordunk, for menny times, he did. It iz justiss tew hiz memoirs -tew state, that tho he run well, the offiss alwuss beat him, it did. He -never got elekted, he didn't. How prekarious! how impekunious! how -transhunt! Alass! alass! Neb' waz kreated in 1502, and dissoluted in -1569, and spent hiz whole life in the hash bizzness, he did. Hiz wife -waz boss while here on earth, and will undertake tew be hereafter, she -will. But she kant, kan she? She kant. Happy it iz that thare iz a -thussness in theze things. Thrice happy. Even nobby. That's so. - - -_MORAL._ - -Every man thinks he kan keep a hotel, - But O! how delusiv and rash, -For thare aint no kind ov bizzness so mixt, - Az doing a klean job in hash. - - -30 Days. - -NOVEMBER. - -1874. - -Q.--What iz pitty? @ @ @ - -A.--Cheap charity. @ @ @ - - [Illustration: AFTER TEN IERS] - - _Enny man who a skool haz kept - Ten years, (krewel fate allass!) - Ought tew hav hiz shuze pulled oph, - And be turned out tew grass._ - -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -|@ | @ || _Kronollogy._ | _GINGER SNAPS._ | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -| 1| G || @ Hark @ the | | -| 2| M || @ @ kold wind | Thare iz, now and then, a man | -| 3| T || whissells @ @ and | who knows that he iz a phool; | -| 4| W || @ the rane @ | sutch a man iz a hard man tew | -| 5| T || drizzles @ @ and | cheat. | -| 6| F || @ @ @ the snow @ | | -| 7| S || phizzles @ @ @ and | * * * * * | -| 8| G || @ the fire sizzles @ | | -| 9| M ||and the @ @ dogs @ | | -|10| T || @ bark @ and | I hav known people who waz | -|11| W || @ @ @ the boys | virtewous just bekauze they waz | -|12| T || @ lark @ @ @ | lazy, they hadn't snap enuff in | -|13| F || @ @ @ and the | them tew brake one ov the 10 | -|14| S || kats mew @ @ and | commandments. | -|15| G || @ the kittles stew | | -|16| M || and the pork @ | | -|17| T || @ @ @ fries @ and | * * * * * | -|18| W || | | -|19| T || @ the mince @ @ | | -|20| F || pies @ @ @ @ @ | | -|21| S || | I beleave pitty iz more ov an | -|22| G || @ @ and the @ | impulse than a principle, for we | -|23| M || turkey dies @ @ | seldum respekt thoze that we | -|24| T || @ and the | pitty. | -|25| W || @ owl dreameth @ | | -|26| T || and the goose @ @ | * * * * * | -|27| F || @ skreameth @ and | | -|28| S || the girls @ @ @ @ | | -|29| G || @ snikker @ and the | He who suspekts everyboddy, | -|30| M || men dikker @ and | should be watched by everyboddy. | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ - - - - -_MUSHANMILK BILLINGS._ - - -HIS MEMORANDUM. - -Mushanmilk Billings waz one ov mi earliest efforts in the way ov -ansesstors. He was begot during the 11th or 12th sentury, or -thareabouts. He derived hiz name from hiz grate ability tew conquer mush -and milk. Titus Odistes, a celebrated writer in thoze days, sez he haz -known him tew eat a potash kittle ov puddin and milk, at one sitting. I -kant state whether this iz sutch or not, for i never met Mushanmilk -personally. He died previous tew mi birth. Titus Odistes also sez, that -Mushanmilk had a very sweet disposishun, how sweet, he dont tell us, but -from what i kno ov the latter-day saints, amung the Billings family, it -couldn't hav bin quite up tew the best brand ov Nu Orleans mollassiss. -He waz sed tew be number One in modesty, and sitch like, but this dont -exackly conspire with what i know ov the Billings'es. Cheeck haz alwus -been reckoned amung our virtews. In taking a square look bak upon mi -ansesstors, i find that they were rather a thin set. I find that their -_ambishun_ waz the result ov _vanity_. Their _honesty_ the effekt ov -_edukashun_. Their _charity_, the luv ov _novelty_. Their _philosophy_, -able tew bear the stummuk-ake ov others with heroik fortitude, but not -worth a kuss in their own; and their _virteus_ generally, more the -growth ov their _pride_ than ov their _humility_. What a pitty! Echo -answers, "Jiss so." Man iz an angleworm. He iz. Verily. - - * * * * * - -_MORAL._ - -Thare aint to-day, so just a vittle, -Az mush,--rite hot, from out the kittle. - - -31 Days. DECEMBER. 1874. - -Q.--Define salt kodfish? @ @ @ - -A.--Vittles and----drink. @ @ @ - - [Illustration] - - _Instid ov this, how trew it tis, - The skoolmaster iz treated, - Like one we owe 50 dollars, - And wont admit we've cheated._ - -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -|@ | @ || _Kronollogy._ | _KOLD KUTS._ | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -| 1| T || @ Bitter kold @ @ | The more humble a man iz | -| 2| W || a thing ov buty @ | before God, the more he will be | -| 3| T || @ iz a joy forever | exalted,--the more humble he iz | -| 4| F || thundring kold @ | before men, the more he will git | -| 5| S || @ @ @ if yu must | rode ruff shod. | -| 6| G || drink hot @ @ | | -| 7| M || @ rum @ do it now | * * * * * | -| 8| T || jehosiphat kold @ | | -| 9| W || @ now distruckshun | The only really natral thing | -|10| T || @ @ wood @ slam | thare iz about enny man, iz hiz | -|11| F || bang kold @ @ | conshunce. | -|12| S || Job Stearns | | -|13| G || @ @ @ born 1500 | * * * * * | -|14| M || indefatigabel kold | | -|15| T || Job Stearns @ @ | Enuff good luk will ruin enny | -|16| W || @ waz an @ | man. | -|17| T || @ itinerant @ @ @ | | -|18| F || ompompanoosuck | * * * * * | -|19| S || @ kold @ Job @ | | -|20| G || itinerated @ @ @ | Whare thare iz one man obstinate | -|21| M || @ tin ware | bekauze he iz wize, thare iz | -|22| T || sno phawls @ now | 4,695,853 obstinate bekauze they | -|23| W || stir up @ @ @ | are ignorant. | -|24| T || @ @ yure goose | | -|25| F || unimpeachible kold | * * * * * | -|26| S || @ roosters freeze @ | | -|27| G ||yures, with sparkling | Trust in God first, yure nabor | -|28| M || @ hopes--Josh | next, and yureself last.--AMEN. | -|29| T || Billings @ | | -|30| W || @ Allminacker @ | | -|31| T || | | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ - - - - -_HEAR THE PAPERS TALK!_ - -We would rather be the author of Josh Billings' Farmer's Allminax for -1875, than be elected captain of a malitia company. - -_Coonhollow Demokrat._ - - * * * * * - -Josh Billings' Farmer's Allminax for the year 1875, is just hatched out; -it is like a Thanksgiving pudding, full of rich things; buy it, and set -down in a corner, and read, and be happy once, if you never are again. - -_Boston Pilgrim._ - - * * * * * - -We have a copy of Josh Billings' Allminax on tap, and draw sweet liquor -from it each hour; no man can buy our copy, no man can borrow it, and he -who steals it, will finally die. - -_New Orleans Budget._ - - * * * * * - -Saw my right leg off, lift my scalp up, innoculate me with the contents -of a six shooter, if Josh Billings' Farmer's Allminax for 1875 aint the -bullyest brick the civilized world has ever laid eyes on. - -_Texas Daily Bandit._ - - * * * * * - -Josh Billings' Farmer's Allminax is once more in our midst; like an -oyster on the half shell, it can be took standing, sitting down, or on -the run. - -_Lowell Examiner._ - - - - -_PRIVATE OPINYUNS OV JOSH BILLINGS' FARMER'S ALLMINAX._ - -"A pearl ov grate price." - -_Deakon Mozes Mills._ - - * * * * * - -"I reckomend this allminax to all persons out ov a job." - -_Israel Pugh._ - - * * * * * - -"Az konsise az a kambrik needle." - -_E. R. Dunkan._ - - * * * * * - -"This allminax iz az phull ov sharp things az a hedgehog's back." - -_Ezra Fisk._ - - * * * * * - -"Az natral in the family, and quite az catching, az the meazles." - -_Dokt. J. Munson._ - - * * * * * - -"Oh lud! i never did peruze enny thing haff so mutch like it." - -_Widdo Jane Perkins._ - - * * * * * - -"Tis too sweet for enny thing." - -_Miss Matilda Ann Brown._ - - * * * * * - -"It iz a lofty produkshun, full ov immense wisdum, graphick delineation, -and koruskating generalitys." - -_John Mead, A. M._ - - - - -_HONESTY_. - -Honesty iz like munny, a man haz got to work hard to get it, and then -haz got to work harder to keep it. Honesty iz the best kard in the pak; -it iz allwuss trumps, and thare iz no man big phool enuff but what he -kan play it right every time. Honesty haz been praised more, and -praktised less, than enny ov the virtews, but it stands in need ov no -ones praise, and fears no ones rebuke. Honesty iz all the virtew that a -man needs, and all that an angell haz. Honest men are skarse, and what i -am afrade ov now iz, they are going to be skarser. From Adam's day to -ours, and from now untill the judgement time, an _Honest man_ haz been, -and will be, "_The noblest work of God_." Pope's deskripshun ov an -honest man iz the simplest, and yet the strongest language, that ever -haz been used. - - -_A KARD_. - -A bizzy-body iz like a ritch cheeze,--full ov little things. - - * * * * * - -When a man aint good for ennything else, he iz just right to sett on a -jury. - - - [Illustration] - - The musketo iz born ov poor but industrious parents,--but - haz in hiz veins, sum ov the best blood in the Country= - - Yures for 90 Days. Josh Billings= - - - [Illustration] - - Dont hurry things mi sweet friend. The best time to sett - a hen,--iz when the hen iz reddy.= - - Try it--Josh Billings.= - - -31 Days. JANUARY. 1875. - -Q.--What's yure favourite piece ov skulpture? @ @ - -A.--The mile-stun nearest home. @ @ @ @ - - [Illustration] - - _Erly the Nuze Boy crawls from hiz koal box, - Tho sno on the hard ground may lay, - And skuds for the nuze paper offiss, - To get his supply for the day._ - -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -|@ | @ || _Billings Log._ | _MORNIN GLORYS._ | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -| 1| F || @ @ @ Rather | If i kant hav but two things on | -| 2| S || kold @ @ @ | me that dont pinch, let it be mi | -| 3| G || @ @ pepper sass | shirt kollar, and mi boots. | -| 4| M ||invented 1632 @ @ | | -| 5| T || @ @ @ mutch kold | | -| 6| W || now mangle * @ | * * * * | -| 7| T || @ @ @ wood | | -| 8| F || sighns ov † @ ] | | -| 9| S || @ sno @ @ | Christians seem to fite under | -|10| G || dont pik | | cover, but the devil stands boldly | -|11| M || @ @ geese | out, and dares the world to single | -|12| T || this month @ | kombat. | -|13| W || expekt sum @ | | -|14| T || @ @ weather | | -|15| F || hi tides @ ::: | * * * * | -|16| S || @ now anihilate | | -|17| G || hogs @ ? [!] | | -|18| M || @ @ more :o: | Philosophy iz a kind ov severe | -|19| T || koldly @ * @ | sentinal, who locks up the harte, | -|20| W || @ @ Mike Tower | and throws the key away. | -|21| T || died 1812 @ @ @ | | -|22| F || @ prepare @ | | -|23| S || @ for sno @ @ | * * * * | -|24| G || @ @ @ dont @ | | -|25| M || @ plant enny @ | | -|26| T || corn this month | A thoroly lazy man iz ded enuff | -|27| W ||@ dredphull chilly | to be buried, and his phuneral | -|28| T ||now assassinate @ | ought to be advertized at once. | -|29| F || @ poultry @ go | | -|30| S || to bed arly @ @ | | -|31| G || | | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ - - - - -_GRIT._ - -Grit iz a good thing to hav, but yu dont want too mutch ov it. I hav -known folks who had so mutch grit, that they didn't kno when they waz -whipt. This dont pay. I like to see a man who aint afrade to fite a -wind-mill, when she iz in phull blast, but i dont kare to see him do it, -for a wind-mill iz a hard job to thrash, and they dont kno neither when -they hav got enuff. Grit and spunk, are two twins, and their mother iz -Courage, and their father iz Bravery. I have seen grit, and spunk, and -even courage, that didn't hav a bit ov bravery in them. Bravery allwuss -ackts from a principle. Grit may be rite, and may be rong. It aint very -certain, or partiklar whitch. Gritty men aint allwuss luvly, they are -too mutch like sandpaper to handle, allwuss reddy for a skratch. I like -grit in everything, except mi hash, thare iz when i kant bear it. Giv -every man yu meet a good big haff ov the turnpike, but if he insists -upon the whole ov it, the religion ov the Billings family iz to -arbitrate the kase at onst. If a man smotes yu on one cheek, turn him -the other one if yu like, but dont let him smote that. This aint fair. - - -_ARGUMENTS._ - -It iz az diffikult to define a sukcess, az it iz to ackount for the -meazles. - - * * * * * - -Coquets make better wives than Prudes do, but thank the Lord, thare iz -better ones in market than either ov them. - - -28 Days. FEBRUARY. 1875. - -Q.--What's yure opinyun ov Rats? @ @ @ - -A.--Poor. @ @ @ - - [Illustration] - - _Now having arrived at the offiss, - He goes in for nonsense, and noize, - And strives to git hold ov hiz papers, - Before the rest ov the boys._ - -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -|@ | @ || _Billings Log._ | _HELIOTROPES._ | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -| 1| M || Kondem kold @ | When a woman wants ennything, | -| 2| T || @ @ now flies | she wants it with all her | -| 3| W || @ are still @ | strength, and every boddy elses | -| 4| T || snow falls @ @ @ | strength too. | -| 5| F || @ thare iz a @ | | -| 6| S || divinity shapes @ | * * * * | -| 7| G || @ @ @ our ends | | -| 8| M || kold grows @ | Intelekt without judgement iz | -| 9| T || @ @ kolder | what ails about one halff the smart | -|10| W || @ Bill Stevens @ | people in this world. | -|11| T || @ @ @ born 1306 | | -|12| F || now chew slapjax | * * * * | -|13| S || @ @ low tides @ | | -|14| G || sighn ov mutch @ | Thare aint bad luk in the | -|15| M || weather @ sun in | whole world to ruin enny one | -|16| T || @ apogee @ expekt | man, not if he will fite it out on | -|17| W || frosts @ about @ | that line. | -|18| T || @ theze days dont | | -|19| F || plant onion seed @ | * * * * | -|20| S || @ @ Sally Ann | | -|21| G || Murdok died @ | A fanatick iz the wust man we | -|22| M || @ @ @ kolder | hav to kontend with, reazon haz | -|23| T || Sally Ann waz a @ | no effekt on him, and it iz agin | -|24| W || weaver @ sighns ov | the law to klub him. | -|25| T ||@ @ thaux Sally Ann | | -|26| F || weavered yarns @ | | -|27| S ||@ peace to our ashes | | -|28| G || | | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ - - - - -_CHARITY._ - -Charity iz a blessed privilege; it lifts poor human natur up to the -level ov the angells, and sheds the lite ov heaven on our pathway. It iz -the most butiful ov all the impulses ov the heart, and the eazyest to -execute. Thare iz not a thought that goes out kindly to welkum a child -ov sorrow, but what iz kredited in the grate book ov everlasting life, -under the head ov Charity. Thare iz not a gift, not even a kup of kold -water, thare iz not a self sakrafice ov enny kind, thare iz not a -virtewous wish, nor a kind hope, but what kan be kounted amung the -jewels ov charity. Charity hath no markit-price here, nor hereafter, -thare iz menny a penny in the grate box that will kount out brighter, at -the last day, than enny dollar that iz thare. But thoze people who are -the soonest to melt with charity, are often the soonest to freeze up,--i -have seen them so fastidious that they couldn't meet an objikt ov -charity, without plunging their hand into one pocket, and taking out a -ten cent piece, put it right bak into the other, thus satisfying their -charity, and saving their munny at the same time. - - -_JESS SO._ - -All the philosophy in the world, wont make a hard trotting hoss ride -eazy. - - * * * * * - -One ov the most unfortunate individuals i kno ov, iz a third-rate -fiddler. - - -31 Days. MARCH. 1875. - -Q.--How's yure mother-in-law? @ - -A.--Helthy, i thank yu, how's yures? @ @ @ - - [Illustration] - - _Now having his merchandize purchased, - He's out in the sno, and the sleet, - And yells like a "brave" on the war path, - Az swiftly he runs thru the street._ - -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -|@ | @ || _Billings Log._ | _TULIPS._ | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -| 1| M || @ @ Windy | A pedant iz one who overestimates | -| 2| T || winds @ @ now | whatever he haz got, | -| 3| W || @ @ dig out @ | whether it be learning, munny, | -| 4| T || woodchucks @ | dri goods, or the rumatism. | -| 5| F || @ @ expekt wind | | -| 6| S || Sam Davis born @ | * * * * * | -| 7| G || @ 1632 @ more | | -| 8| M || wind @ Sam Davis | I dont reckolekt ov ever doing | -| 9| T || @ @ was an @ @ | ennything that i waz just a little | -|10| W || operator @ @ | ashamed ov, but what sum one | -|11| T || @ @ look out for | waz sure to remember it, and | -|12| F || wind @ @ @ Sam | every once in a while put me in | -|13| S || @ Davis operated | mind ov it. | -|14| G ||on hen roosts @ @ | | -|15| M ||prepare for wind @ | * * * * * | -|16| T || @ @ now pay @ | | -|17| W || yure dets @ @ | The most bitter kriticks we hav | -|18| T || @ windyness @ @ | are those who hav failed themself | -|19| F || prevails @ @ @ | to write ennything worth | -|20| S || @ @ @ Adam | reading. | -|21| G || waz a weak @ @ | | -|22| M || @ @ @ @ sister | * * * * * | -|23| T || mutch signs @ @ | | -|24| W || @ @ ov wind | He who haz got nothing to do | -|25| T || now sarch @ @ | in this world but amuze himself, | -|26| F || @ @ @ for hoss | haz got the hardest job on hand i | -|27| S || radish @ @ @ | kno ov. | -|28| G || @ @ more wind | | -|29| M || tud-stools @ @ | | -|30| T ||@ diskovered 1283 | | -|31| W || | | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ - - - - -_FUN._ - -Fun is the cheapest fisick that haz bin diskovered yet, and the eazyest -to take. Fun pills are sugar coated, and no change ov diet iz necessary -while taking them. A little fun will sumtimes go a grate ways, i hav -known men to liv to a good old age on one joke, which they managed to -tell az often az once a day, and do all the laffing themselves besides -that waz done. But thare iz lots ov pholks who kant see enny phun in -enny thing, yu couldn't fire a joke into them with a double barrell gun, -10 paces off, they go thru life az sollum az a cow. Menny people think -it iz beneath their dignity to relish a joke, sutch people are simply -fools, and dont seem to kno it. The Billings family are allwuss on the -lookout for fun, it iz sed ov Dexter Billings, one ov our pristines, -that he had to be kept under 500 dollar bonds all the time, to keep him -from laffing in church. Ackordin to all ackounts this Dexter Billings -waz a cuss. Fun iz the pepper and salt ov every day life, and all he -really wiz men who hav ever lived, hav used it freely for seazoning. - - -_HEAR YEE._ - -The man who kan set himself to work, at enny thing, on 5 minnitts -notiss, haz got one of the best trades i kno ov. - - * * * * * - -Virtew that kant whip Vice, in a fair stand up fite, enny time, aint -worth having. - - -30 Days. APRIL. 1875. - -Q.--What's yure favourite style of buty? @ @ @ - -A.--Mi mother's. @ @ @ - - [Illustration] - - _"Er'es the Errald, Times, Sun, World, and Tribune," - Iz the yung merchants ear piercing kry, - "Got the orfull smash up on the rale rode,"-- - And a kuntryman stops him to buy._ - -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -|@ | @ || _Billings Log._ | _PRIMROSES._ | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -| 1| T || Gentle showers @ | About az low down az a man | -| 2| F ||@ @ @ now @ | kan git, and not quite spile, iz to | -| 3| S ||insert onion @ @ | liv on his wife's reputashun. | -| 4| G || @ seed @ @ | | -| 5| M || @ @ more rain | | -| 6| T ||@ @ perpetual @ | * * * * * | -| 7| W || moshun diskovered | | -| 8| T || @ @ 1832 @ @ | | -| 9| F ||@ @ more rain @ | A good karakter is allwuss | -|10| S || perpetual @ @ | gained bi inches, but iz often lost | -|11| G || @ @ moshon @ | in one chunk. | -|12| M ||lost 1313 @ @ | | -|13| T || @ inkreasing @ | | -|14| W ||@ @ wetness @ | * * * * * | -|15| T || now prospekt @ @ | | -|16| F ||@ for dandylions | | -|17| S || | To be strong a man should hav | -|18| G || @ @ Abner | plenty ov friends, and plenty ov | -|19| M || Durham @ @ | enemys--too menny friends weakens | -|20| T ||@ @ @ born 956 | him, and too menny enemys | -|21| W || expekt rain @ @ | makes him a vagabond. | -|22| T ||@ Abner Durham | | -|23| F ||waz a @ @ @ | | -|24| S || pedlar @ wet | * * * * * | -|25| G || rain @ @ Abner | | -|26| M ||@ Durham [!!] | | -|27| T || peddled goose yokes | The man who haz sworn not to | -|28| W ||@ rain @ @ luv me, | forgiv haz uttered the wust oath | -|29| T || luv @ mi @ dog | he kan take. | -|30| F ||@ damp drizzles @ | | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ - - - - -_EAZY BOOTS._ - -One ov the eazyest things in this world iz a loose boot, it iz just az -eazy az falling oph from a log, when yu are fast asleep. The man who -fust invented tite boots committed suiside, so i hav been told, this waz -kind in the phellow. But if he had committed suiside before he had been -born, it would hav been kinder still. Eazy boots are one ov the luxurys -ov life, what the other luxurys are i dont kno, and dont kare. Enney man -who kan wear a tite boot, and enjoy it, iz either a martyr, or a phool, -it makes but little difference which. Tite boots produce korns, bunyons, -and swareing, and thare iz only one thing kan be said in their favour, -they make a man forgit all hiz other sorrows. An eazy boot will humanize -a sinner faster than two mishionary kan. Vanity iz the Godfather ov tite -boots, and just so long az men mistake a number eleven foot, for a -number nine boot, just so long we shall see them limping around, with -boots on two sizes too small. Next to a klear conshience, for solid -cumfort, and every day wear, cums an eazy boot. - - -_HITS._ - -After trieing for more than 35 years to hav mi own way in all things, i -have finally cum to the konklushun, to split the difference. - - * * * * * - -Everyboddy seems to konsider himself a kind ov moral half bushel, to -meazzure the worlds frailtys in. - - - [Illustration] - - Mules are like sum men, very corrupt at harte.--I hav - known them to be good mules for 6 months, just to git a good chance - to kik sumboddy= Josh Billings= - - - [Illustration] - - Yu kant do ennything fust rate with a flea on yu,--except - sware, and fleas aint afrade ov that.= - - Yures respekfully. Josh Billings= - - -31 Days. - -MAY. - -1875. - -Q.--What's yure favourite flower? @ @ @ - -A.--Buckwheat flour. @ @ @ - - [Illustration] - - _Another boy rushes to serve him, - But our hero wont stand it no how, - So he pockets the kuntryman's munny, - And fixes himself for a row._ - -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -|@ | @ || _Billings Log._ | _DAFFODILLS._ | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -| 1| S || @ Dandylions @ | | -| 2| G || @ are @ here @ | The man who haz got nothing | -| 3| M || warm @ @ | to reckomend him but robust | -| 4| T || @ and fine @ | helth, and an excessiv flo ov animal| -| 5| W || @ @ tud-stools | spirits, iz az unplezant an | -| 6| T || hav arrived @ @ | assoshiate az a 4 year old kolt. | -| 7| F || @ @ it rains @ | | -| 8| S || frogs hav @ @ | | -| 9| G || @ @ cum @ | * * * * * | -|10| M || soft winds @ @ | | -|11| T || @ @ the tax- @ | | -|12| W || gatherer puts @ | Genius seems to be the fakulty | -|13| T || @ @ in an @ | ov doing a thing excellently well, | -|14| F || appearanse @ @ | that noboddy supposed could be | -|15| S || @ @ showery | done at all. | -|16| G || | | -|17| M || now chuck @ @ | | -|18| T || @ in gardin @ | * * * * * | -|19| W || seeds @ @ @ | | -|20| T || @ @ @ a butiful | | -|21| F || day @ @ Abram | Helth is like munny, we never | -|22| S || @ Barker elekted @ | hav a true idea ov its value untill | -|23| G || constable @ @ | we lose it. | -|24| M || @ @ @ kloudy | | -|25| T || woman iz @ @ | | -|26| W || @ a angell @ | * * * * * | -|27| T || wind @ @ @ | | -|28| F || @ southernly | | -|29| S || now investigate @ | The most dangerous person in | -|30| G || @ for hens eggs ¿? | this world, iz the one with the | -|31| M || quite wet ! !- ! -! | most tallent, and the least virtew. | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ - - - - -_WOMAN._ - -Woman iz the glass ware ov kreashun. She iz luvly, and brittle, but she -haz run up everything we really enjoy in this life from 25 cents on the -dollar to par. Adam, without Eve, would hav been az stupid a game az -playing checkures alone. Thare haz been more butiful things sed in her -praze than thare haz ov enny other animate thing, and she is worthy ov -them all. She is not an angell tho, and i hope she wont never go into -the angell bizzness. Angells on earth dont pay. The only mistake that -woman haz ever made iz to think she iz a better man than Adam. - -Adam iz captin, and i am reddy to admit, that he iz often a dreadphull -poor one too. Woman iz the power behind the throne, she holds all the -best playing kards in the pak, and her own good sense ought to teach her -not to be in enny hurry to play them. I hav allwus sed, and i beleaf it -still, that the time to be karfullest iz when you hav a hand phull ov -trumps. - - -_PRIVATE SENTIMENTS._ - -If i had 75 children i would be sure and learn 60 ov them to allwus shut -the door after them when they went out, and i wouldn't kare whether the -other 15 ever learnt mutch or not. - - * * * * * - -Yung man, yu better be honest than cunning, and it iz hard work to be -both. - - -30 Days. JUNE. 1875. - -Q.--What's yure favourite color? @ @ @ - -A.--Blood bay. @ @ - - [Illustration] - - _They "go in" like a pair ov yung tigers. - And neither seems anxious to stop, - Till they are suddenly brought to their senses, - By a vigilant, fierce looking "cop."_ - -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -|@ | @ || _Billings Log._ | _HYACINTHS._ | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -| 1| T || @ @ Wet rains | | -| 2| W || Abigail Fish @ @ | I hav made up mi mind that | -| 3| T || @ @ @ married | human hapness konsists in having | -| 4| F || @ 1756 @ @ | a good deal to do, and then keep | -| 5| S || warm heat @ @ | a doing it. | -| 6| G || @ now ho @ | | -| 7| M || gardens @ @ | * * * * * | -| 8| T || @ @ expekt | | -| 9| W || thunder @ @ | | -|10| T || @ @ hot @ | Vanity iz az common to the | -|11| F || rains @ @ @ | human family, az fleas iz to a dog, | -|12| S || | and makes them just about az | -|13| G || @ @ now hunt | oneazy. | -|14| M || for musketoes @ | | -|15| T || @ @ perhaps @ | | -|16| W || rain, @ @ @ | * * * * * | -|17| T || @ perhaps not | | -|18| F || @ now kast @ | | -|19| S || yure bread @ @ | The man who kant enjoy ennything | -|20| G || @ @ on the @ | but flattery, iz az bad oph | -|21| M || waters @ @ | az the one who kant drink ennything | -|22| T || @ sighns ov @ | but whiskey. | -|23| W || litening @ @ @ | | -|24| T || @ now fish @ @ | | -|25| F || for frogs @ @ | | -|26| S || @ @ it iz hotter | * * * * * | -|27| G || @ @ @ @ Andrew | | -|28| M || @ @ Jackson iz no | | -|29| T || more @ it raineth | A true friend iz one who aint | -|30| W || @ @ so beets & @ | afrade to tell yu ov yure faults. | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ - - - - -_POLITENESS._ - -What a man kant win in this world bi politeness aint worth having. -Politeness iz just as natrul az fun iz, and iz the cheapest way to git a -living i kno ov. It haz made more friends than enny thing else ever haz, -and haz kept them longer. It dont kost enny more to be polite than it -duz to be happy, and enny man iz a phool who kant be either, if he iz a -mind to. I hav known it to sukceed whare every thing else had failed, -and i never knu it to fail, whare it undertook to sukceed. It iz az eazy -to apply az the "poor mans plaster," and it will allwus stik whare it iz -stuk. Next to honesty, politeness iz queen bee in the hive, and the man -who iz thoroly honest and thoroly polite, haz nothing to fear, or hope -for. Politeness, without honesty, iz a good deal risky, but sumtimes the -wust we kan call it iz, "a pleazant fraud." - - -_2 FAKTS._ - -The best abuzed woman ov the 19th century iz the average mother in law. - - * * * * * - -One ov the most perfekt viktorys yu kan achieve over enny man, iz to -beat him in politeness. - - -31 Days. JULY. 1875. - -Q.--Who's yure favourite proze author? @ @ & - -A.--Noah Webster. @ @ @ - - [Illustration] - - _He takes them away to the stashun, - Whare both are krestfallen and meek, - And after a lektur on fiteing, - The kids are discharged by the_ "beak." - -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -|@ | @ || _Billings Log._ | _TUBE ROSES._ | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -| 1| T || Expekt grate @ @ | | -| 2| F || @ @ hotness | He who expekts to be praized | -| 3| S || @ now snaix @ | every time he duz a virtewous | -| 4| G || @ are @ slippery @ | thing will soon git tired ov the | -| 5| M || thunder & @ | bizzness. | -| 6| T || @ @ mixt with | | -| 7| W || @ @ litening & @ | | -| 8| T || Hank Ketchum @ | * * * * * | -| 9| F || @ @ @ born 1802 | | -|10| S || @ @ @ hotter @ @ | | -|11| G || Hank Ketchum @ | When people loze their property | -|12| M || waz single @ & | they generally loze everything | -|13| T || | else, in the estimashun ov | -|14| W || @ @ more hotly | the world, except their faults and | -|15| T || Hank @ @ @ | vices. | -|16| F || @ @ Ketchum | | -|17| S || @ parted hiz @ | | -|18| G || hare in the @ @ | * * * * * | -|19| M || @ & middle | | -|20| T || sum & @ | | -|21| W || @ @ litening @ | It iz the eazyest thing in natur | -|22| T || about theze @ | to be honest, but most men make | -|23| F || @ @ daze :: | dredphull hard work ov it. | -|24| S || @ mad dogs @ | | -|25| G || @ heard ov (o) | | -|26| M || [!¡!] & less hot | * * * * * | -|27| T || now destroy Ψ @ | | -|28| W || @ grass for hay @ | | -|29| T || sighns ov thunder Ω | A good deal ov buty, and a | -|30| F || @ Ψ Σ honesty iz | good deal ov sense, are seldum | -|31| S || the best policy Ψ Ω | found together. | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ - - - - -_EGG NOGG._ - -Thare iz no fluid known to mortal man, that haz got more bakbone, and -less tangle leg, in a quart ov it, than good, old 1776, Egg Nogg. Our -grand dads drank it fluently, and thankt the Lord, az it meandered sloly -down their thruts. It iz bilt out ov sider, and fresh egg, and iz az -phull ov fun, and innosense, az a kittens tail. Enny man who haz moral -skruples about drinking a glass ov fresh made egg nogg, had better git -hiz morality insured aginst acksidents at once, for he iz in danger ov -having hiz morality kompletely eradikated from the face ov the earth. -Morality that kant stand egg nogg, iz a weak sister. I luv egg nogg, and -hope i allwuss shall. I kant tell yu now when egg nogg waz fust -diskovered, nor who the lucky kritter waz who fust found it out, but i -would giv 15 dollars at least to know that it waz one ov mi ansesstors. -I am orphull proud ov the anshunt Billing'es and enny glory that -fluktuates around them, kind ov circumambiates around me. This may look -like weakness in me, but it iz natur, and i dont beleav in allwuss -snubbing natur. I say let yure natur kind ov go it, onst in a while. - - -_SUM OPINYUNS._ - -Mi experience in life thus far haz been, that 7, wont go into 5, and hav -mutch ov ennything left over. - - * * * * * - -I hav herd lies so well told that a man would allmost be a phool not to -beleave them. - - -31 Days. AUGUST. 1875. - -Q.--What's yure favourite perfume? @ @ @ - -A.--Modesty. @ @ @ - - [Illustration] - - _At liberty now out they skamper, - But before their days work they renew, - Our hero remarks to hiz rival, - "Tommorow, I'll take kare ov yu."_ - -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -|@ | @ || _Billings Log._ | _CARNASHUNS._ | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -| 1| G || Big heat @ now | | -| 2| M || @ hunt Ω for cool | When the vice and virtew in a | -| 3| T || places @ thunder @ | man iz about haff and haff, he | -| 4| W || @ and litening Ω | wants az mutch cluss watching az | -| 5| T || mixt @ salamanders | a bile duz when it iz cumming to | -| 6| F || @:@ diskovered 849 | a hed. | -| 7| S || heat waxes @ Ω | | -| 8| G || @ in Adam's sin @ | | -| 9| M || @ we all jined in @ | * * * * * | -|10| T || expekt sudden @ @ | | -|11| W || Σ Ψ rain about | We are allwuss sure to think | -|12| T || | just az other pholks do, provided | -|13| F || theze daze Ψ @ | they think just az we do. | -|14| S || Phil Sherman @ @ | | -|15| G || @ @ born 1756 | | -|16| M || @ @ @ heat | | -|17| T || grows Σ Ω Ψ | * * * * * | -|18| W || @ Σ heaty Ψ @ | | -|19| T || Phil Sherman @ @ | | -|20| F || @ @ @ waz a | | -|21| S || hard-shell Ψ Σ | Make yureself necessary yung | -|22| G || @ babtist @ | man, and yure suckcess iz sertain. | -|23| M || Σ whew ! Ψ | | -|24| T || how @ @ @ | | -|25| W || @ @ @ hot | | -|26| T || it am @ @ @ | * * * * * | -|27| F || @ @ now @ @ | | -|28| S || dig @ @ @ | | -|29| G || @ @ @ for ice | Everyboddy applauds a virtewous | -|30| M || bileing @ @ @ | ackshun, even the Devil himself | -|31| T || @ @ hot @ @ | admires it. | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ - - - - -_FAITH._ - -Faith iz the right bower ov hope. If it want for faith thare would be no -living in this world, we couldn't even eat hash with enny safety. Human -knolledge iz very short, and dont reach but a little ways, and even that -little ways iz twilite, but faith lightens up the road, so that we kan -see to read the letterings on the mile stuns az we travel. Faith has won -more viktorys than all the other pashuns ov the harte put together, for -faith iz one ov them kind ov warriors that dont kno when she is whipt. -But faith iz no milk sop, but a live fighter, she dont set down and gro -stupid with resignashun, and git weak with the buty ov her attributes, -but she is the heroine ov a forlorn hope. I think now if i couldn't hav -but one ov the moral attributes i would take it all in Faith, and tho i -mite make sum fust rate blunders, i would do a rushing bizzness amung -the various kinds ov dri bones that iz lieing around loose in the world. -Faith haz allwus been one ov the best holts ov the Billings family, from -the daze ov Noah, down to now. - - -_HOW IZ THIS?_ - -Experience ackts on sum pholks vitals just az it duz on a bull tarrier, -he dont fairly git over one whipping before he begins to look around for -another. - - * * * * * - -The vulgar allwuss notiss everything they see. - - - [Illustration] - - The monkey iz one ov our poor relashuns, and skratches - hiz hed az natral az a skool boy duz,--and probably for simular - reazons.= - - Funny, aint it, Josh Billings - - - [Illustration] - - Thare may cum a time, when the Lion, and the Lam will lie - down together,--i shall be az glad to see it az enny boddy,--but i am - still betting on the Lion.= - - Truly, Josh Billings. - - -30 Days. SEPTEMBER. 1875. - -Q.--What's yure favourite amuzement? @ @ @ - -A.--Sleeping. @ @ @ - - [Illustration] - - _He meets with a smooth faced old villain, - Who ov a bad stamp would git free, - But the boy twiddles hiz fingers, and sez, - "Yu kant kum that ere over me."_ - -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -|@ | @ || _Billings Log._ | _SWEET WILLIAMS._ | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -| 1| W || @ @ Mild @ Ω | | -| 2| T || and slik @ Ω @ § | Bashfullness iz often like the | -| 3| F || Zip Coon @ [§] | plating on spoons, when it wears | -| 4| S || @ @ died 1822 | off, it shows the brass. | -| 5| G || @ tender @ @ | | -| 6| M || winds @ @ @ | | -| 7| T || @ Ψ Zip waz | * * * * * | -| 8| W || a coloured @ @ | | -| 9| T || §.*.@ brother Ψ | Lerning pays a better interest | -|10| F || mello rain Ψ Ω | than munny duz, besides the | -|11| S || @ @ put not yure | prinsipal never gits lost. | -|12| G || trust in Ψ @ | | -|13| M || | | -|14| T || @ @ members ov | * * * * * | -|15| W || @ @ the legislatur | | -|16| T || more mello @ Ω | | -|17| F || rain @ @ now | Abuv all things, lern yure child | -|18| S || @ consume @ | to be honest and industrious; if | -|19| G || @ @ @ oysters | theze two things dont enable him | -|20| M || perhaps rain, Ψ @ | to make a figger in this world, he | -|21| T || @ @ perhaps not | iz only a cypher, and never waz | -|22| W || go slo @ @ @ | intended for a figger. | -|23| T || @ expekt frost @ | | -|24| F || @ @ now hunt | | -|25| S || for fleas @ @ @ | * * * * * | -|26| G || @ @ frost last @ @ | | -|27| M || night @ @ @ | | -|28| T || @ fleas are quicker | It iz so natral to phind fault, | -|29| W || than a ghost @ @ | that i wonder we are ever suited | -|30| T || Ψ mild, but butiful | with ennything. | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ - - - - -_EKONEMY._ - -Ekonemy iz the art ov allwuss gitting the worth ov yure munny, and -gitting the right change bak, and it iz also the art ov making 10 cents, -once in a while, go az fur az a shilling. It iz like an ear fur musik, -it has got to be born the same time yu are, or not at all. Yu kant larn -an extravagant person to be ekonomikal enny more than yu kan learn a -muskeeter to quit eating, when he haz got enuff. Thiz iz funny, but it -iz too true to laff at. Ekonemy iz the mother-in-law ov Prosperity, and -she iz one ov them kind ov mother-in-laws that never made enny -disturbanse in the family. Ekonemy haz made more munny in this world -than spekulashun ever haz, and thare iz another thing about it, she -allwuss hangs on to it. Thare iz only one trubble about ekonemy, it -sumtimes runs into avarice, and then all itz buty iz destroyed. It iz -better to be a spendthrift, than a mizer. The Billings family hav -allwuss bin noticed in history for their ekonemy. Jericho Billings, one -ov our primevals, kept the same pair ov boots 26 years, but he wore out -9 souls, and 5 pairs ov upper leathers in the meantime. - - -_HARK!_ - -Cunning men are like a hand saw,--they only hav teeth on one side ov -them. - - * * * * * - -Next in point ov meanness, to doing a man an injury, iz to do him a -favour, and every now, and then, remind him ov it. - - -31 Days. OCTOBER. 1875. - -Q.--Who's yure favourite painters? @ @ @ - -A.--Sunrize and sunset. § @ @ - - [Illustration] - - _Having sold out hiz papers, our hero, - To some cheap hash hous skampers away, - And after he calls for hiz luncheon, - He reckons his gains for the day._ - -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -|@ | @ || _Billings Log._ | _DAISYS._ | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -| 1| F || @§@ October haz ::: | | -| 2| S || @ 31 days @ | It waz a wize phello who put | -| 3| G || and @ @ nights | on hiz spektickles when he et | -| 4| M || @ stiff weather @ | strawberrys, it made a pint go az | -| 5| T || now mutilate @ @ | fur az a quart. | -| 6| W || @ @ apples for sider | | -| 7| T || @ sharp @ frost @ | | -| 8| F || about @ now @ @ | * * * * * | -| 9| S || @ @ Fred Simmons | | -|10| G || @ born @ 1694 @ | | -|11| M || leaves fall @ @ Ω | To lie about a man never hurts | -|12| T || @ @ Fred Simmons | him, but to tell the truth about | -|13| W || | him sumtimes duz. | -|14| T || played the @ @ @ | | -|15| F || @ @ bass drum | | -|16| S || expekt @ @ § | | -|17| G || @ @ @ @ sno | * * * * * | -|18| M || @ @ now @ | | -|19| T || slaughter @ @ | | -|20| W || @ @ cockroaches | | -|21| T || kondem @ @ @ | When the weather fair iz everyboddy | -|22| F || @ chilly @ | haz got an umbreller to | -|23| S || man iz @ @ | lend. | -|24| G || @ @ mortal @ | | -|25| M || sighns @ @ @ | | -|26| T || @ @ ov @ @ | * * * * * | -|27| W || @ @ winter | | -|28| T || the bull @ @ | | -|29| F || @ frog iz hush @ | The man who seeks temtashun | -|30| S || pear @ apples @ | must either be an angell or a | -|31| G || @ @ @ nites @ | phool,--probably a phool. | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ - - - - -_HAM, AND EGG._ - -Thare are certain things in this world that seem just az tho they waz -born for each other, and ham, and egg, are two ov them things. Altho -they cum from quite different lokalitys, they must be twins, for they -are so often seen together. If i kan hav all the ham, and egg i want, -kodphish bawls may tak a bak seat for the present. Vittles and drink hav -allwuss been a staple artikle with human natur, and when they play out, -i am reddy to quit. Sum pholks are so etherial that they kan liv on the -smell ov biled kabbage, but i must hav a chunk ov the kabbage. Pholks -may talk about ambrozial nektar az mutch az they pleze, they kant phool -me with enny ov thoze kind ov essences, for i hav lived just long enuff -to find out, that the best ov society, hav got to hav their biled -vittles, kind ov reglar, even if they tak them on the sli, or they will -soon peg out. Natur is natur, and she will hav her ham, and egg. Natur -iz a little raw once in a while, but she allwuss stands up for her -rights, and tho yu may defraud her, yu kant kompromise with her. Ham, -and egg, was a bevarage long before Noahs freshet. - - -_TAKE NOTISS._ - -Good breeding makes all kondishuns ov life equal. - - * * * * * - -Anger allwus hurts us more than it duz the other phellow which we git -mad at. - - -30 Days. NOVEMBER. 1875. - -Q.--What's yure idea ov happiness? @ @ @ - -A.--Tite gluvs, and eazy boots. @ @ @ - - [Illustration] - - _After greedily eatin his luncheon, - He lies bak and snoozes a bit, - And when nite cums you'll find him enjoying, - A seat in the Bowery pit._ - -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -|@ | @ || _Billings Log._ | _SNO DROPS._ | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -| 1| M || !!!! Winter howls | | -| 2| T || let her @ @ | Gossip iz more ketching than | -| 3| W || @ @ howl @ | the meazles iz. | -| 4| T || @ who @ kares | | -| 5| F || grate sno @ @ | | -| 6| S || @ Mrs. Stebbins | * * * * * | -| 7| G || died 11 @ @ | | -| 8| M || @ @ bitter | The covetous man iz like a | -| 9| T || kold @ @ @ | sponge, it takes in all the moistur | -|10| W || @ Mrs. Stebbins | that cums near it, but lets | -|11| T || took snuff @ @ | out none until it iz squeezed. | -|12| F || | | -|13| S || @ @ @ 62 years | | -|14| G || more kold @ @ | * * * * * | -|15| M || @ now mastikate | | -|16| T || @ slapjax @ @ | | -|17| W || it freezes @ when | Thare iz a grate menny ginger-pop | -|18| T || @ the kat iz @ @ | people in this world, after | -|19| F || away, the mice @ | they hav bin uncorked a fu minnitts,| -|20| S || will play @ ground | they git to be dredphul | -|21| G || froze up @ @ | flatt. | -|22| M || now hire @ @ | | -|23| T || @ & skool moms | | -|24| W || @ sno a @ @ | * * * * * | -|25| T || foot deep @ @ | | -|26| F || @ @ @ babes in | The quickest way to take the | -|27| S || the woods @ @ | starch out ov a man who iz allwuss | -|28| G || @ @ lost 1614 | blameing himself, iz to agree | -|29| M || winter iz @ @ @ | with him, this aint what he iz | -|30| T || @ @ here @ @ | looking for. | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ - - - - -_THE PISSMIRE._ - -The pissmire iz a blak bugg about 23 times az big az the ant, and az -phull ov important bizzness az the chairman ov a wimmins rights -convenshun. They hav thirteen konsekutive leggs on each side ov their -boddys, and allwuss travel on the run. They are like sum men, ever -hunting for sumthing to do, but never was known to find it. I hav seen -them travel for two hours, bakwards, and forwards, and not git 3 feet -from whare they started from, stopping every now and then to listen. The -pissmire iz the loafer amung bugs, and like other loafers, livs from -hand to mouth. Their home iz a hole in the ground, but call on them az -often az yu pleze, yu will never find them in. They git up late, and go -to bed late, and are allwuss hungry, and hollow. They are az lazy az -mollassis in the month ov Febuary, and az useless az an extra dog in a -family. Pissmires are a poor speculashun, i wouldn't giv 50 cents for -the whole krop. - - -_REFLECKSHUNS._ - -If yu are going to giv a man enny thing giv it to him cheerfully, and -quick, dont make him git down on hiz kneeze in front ov yu, and listen -to the 10 commandments, and then yu giv him 5 cents. - - * * * * * - -The man who is allwuss confessing hiz sins, and never quitting them, iz -the most onsartin sinner i kno ov. - - -31 Days. DECEMBER. 1875. - -Q.--Who's yure favourite heroine in romanse? @ @ - -A.--Old Mother Hubbard. @ @ @ - - [Illustration] - - _When the sensashun drama is ended, - Our hero remembers with pain, - That the plezzures ov life are but fleeting, - And he goes for hiz koal box again._ - -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -|@ | @ || _Billing's Log._ | _TIGER LILYS._ | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -| 1| W || @@@ December @ | | -| 2| T || hath 31 daze @ @ | Thare iz in sum men a grate | -| 3| F || @ @ sum kold @ @ | deal ov humor, that iz like the | -| 4| S || now arouze @ @ | frolik in a puppy, dont mean | -| 5| G || @ @ @ fires | ennything in purtikular. | -| 6| M || merkury 10 belo @ | | -| 7| T || @ a spri sixpence | | -| 8| W || @ iz better than @ | * * * * * | -| 9| T || a @ lazy Ω dime | | -|10| F || immense sno @ @ | | -|11| S || @ @ now pay | Thare iz nothing we are more | -|12| G || the printer @ @ | apt to parade before others, than | -|13| M || | our kares and sorrows, and thare | -|14| T || @ Sister Perkins @ | iz nothing the world kares so little| -|15| W || born 1500 @ @ | about. | -|16| T || more @ @ @ | | -|17| F || @ koldness @ | | -|18| S || Sister Perkins @ | | -|19| G || @ waz a femail @ | * * * * * | -|20| M || lekturer @ kold | | -|21| T || @ increases @ | | -|22| W || Sister Perkins @ | | -|23| T || lektured ¶ her @ | Reason often makes mistakes, | -|24| F || @ husband nites @ | but conshience never duz. | -|25| S || dreary winter @ @ | | -|26| G || @ @ @ iz here | | -|27| M || farewell my @ @ | | -|28| T || @ @ darlings @ | * * * * * | -|29| W || look for @ @ | | -|30| T || @ (!) me next | | -|31| F || year @ @@ @ | A blush kant be kounterfited. | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ - - - - -_WHAT THE PAPERS THINK._ - -Josh Billings' Farmer's "Allminax" has come again, it is as welcome, and -genial, as dew to the parched earth.--_London Speckletator._ - - * * * * * - -It is joy for the fireside, it is rest for the weary.--_Newburyport -Guardian._ - - * * * * * - -Fresher, fairer, more fertile, and funny than ever, may its sweet face -look in upon us for all time, delightfull Josh Billings' "Allminax," -record of the past, bright promise of the future.--_Savannah Amarinth._ - - * * * * * - -How crisp! how tart!--_London Queen._ - - * * * * * - -Josh Billings' Farmer's "Allminax" is a bright jewel in the current -literature of the day.--_Louisville Dispatch._ - - * * * * * - -Bless the dear little waif, we love it, and who shall chide us for -loveing!--_Lady's Journal._ - - * * * * * - -We have received Mr. Joshua Billings' Farmer's "Allminax" for 1876, and -shall notice its contents at our very earliest convenience.--_Edinburgh -Review._ - - * * * * * - -It's a square deal, chuncky and smart.--_Texas Blade._ - - - - -_LATEST NUZE._ - -Dik Blister waz arrested yesterday bi offiser Pinkerton for trieing tew -pass a counterfit omnibuss, on a 50 cent driver, ov the 23' street line -ov stages. Held for examinashun. - - * * * * * - -It iz sed (but not offishall) that Mr. & Mrs. Punchinello will not visit -the white mountains next season. Their dauter Betsey Punchinello iz sed -tew be engaged to the Baron Von Chalk, and the family will enter -seklushun on this ackount. - - * * * * * - -A writer in Blackwood's magazine estimates that thare haint been, in -all, over 200 fleas killed since the flood. - - * * * * * - -_On dit_, that Dick Manchester haz quit the 3 kard monte bizzness, and -iz starring it legitimately, at Sing Sing, on a 2 years engagement. - - * * * * * - -We are pleased tew notiss the growing popularity ov Mr. & Mrs. David -Jibboom, their respektibility iz now fully established, having appeared -on the avenew with a two hoss carriage, and a slitely coloured driver, -with a velvet hat band, and two rows of brass buttons. - - * * * * * - -The latest agony in poodles iz saffron, with steel coloured eyes. - - * * * * * - -Matilda O'Brigham, four days in her last place, with a karakter, will -receive proposals at her residence in makrel row. No objekshuns to going -into the country for the summer az companyun tew a lady provided -suitable references are given. Lessons on the piano will be taken -instead ov the usual presents expekted from the family. - - - - -_THE DONKEY._ - -I hav watched the donkey with a grate deal ov pashunt anxiety. They are -about 3 foot hi, and sumthing like three foot six inches lengthwize. -They hav a normal appetight, and will eat all the time, and more too. -They aint partikular about their vittles, and will tri hard to swallo a -hoss shu, but they kant do it. The donkey iz one ov naturs jokes, a sort -ov pun on a horse, which i could never see the point to. They are az -sett in their ways, az a gate post, and are the only live things that -are too mutch for a klub. They will stand more pounding than a sheaf ov -wet oats, without shelling out. The donkey haz 2 ears, and only 1 tale, -and the ears are to the rest ov their boddy, like two steeples to a -church. The donkey iz a sober, and misterious kuss. Fairwell yu sad, and -thinking kritter, i may never again rite yure memoirs, but whether I -dont, or do, I shall allways respekt yu, az a donkey, that's all. Az a -cluss studdy, the donkey iz az full ov interest, az a mile stun, with -the letterings all worn oph. Donkeys will liv forever, or thareabouts, -and retain their buty, and intelligence to the last. Adew you graven -image, you solid one, adew! - - -_PONDER._ - -To lie about a man never hurts him, but to tell the truth about him -sumtimes duz. - - * * * * * - -I think it iz good taste, and also good judgement, when a man prays for -the sins ov the people, that he should count himself in. - - - [Illustration] - - I hav known men so pious that when they went out a - fishing on Sunday, they allwuss prayed for good luk - - a fakt, Josh Billings - - - [Illustration] - - The fly is a friendly kritter, tho i never see him the - wuss for liquor,--but i hav often seen liquor, that waz a good deal - the wuss for flys. - - Jess so Josh Billings - - -31 Days. JANUARY. 1876. - -Q.--Who iz the meanest man? @ @ @ - -A.--He who peeks thru a key hole. @ @ @ - - [Illustration] - - _John Simpson waz a bachelor, - Ov forty, perhaps ov forty-three, - With the dispepshy onto him, - Wuss than enny man yu ever see._ - -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -|@ | @ || _Short Fakts._ | _STROKE OARS._ | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -| 1| S || @ Mutch kold @ | | -| 2| G || mares nest @ | Pashunce iz a good thing for a | -| 3| M || diskovered 1810 § | man to hav, but when he haz got | -| 4| T || @ now keep cool @ | so mutch ov it, that he kan fish | -| 5| W || @ @ Ben Butler | all day, over the side of a boat, | -| 6| T || iz a lawyer @ @ | without enny bait on hiz hook, | -| 7| F || @ less koldly @ | lazyness iz what's the matter ov | -| 8| S || sarch *** for Ω | him. | -| 9| G || @ ice @ expekt | | -|10| M || @ sum @ @ | | -|11| T || inkrease Ω Σ ov | * * * * * | -|12| W || | | -|13| T || @ weather § * § | Pills will sumtimes refuze to | -|14| F || Flora Temple @ | akt on the liver, but sawing wood | -|15| S || ¶ × could + | never will. | -|16| G || trot fast @ § @ | | -|17| M || @ more koldfull ! | | -|18| T || Job Perkins @ @ | * * * * * | -|19| W || @ * kreated * @ | | -|20| T || @ @ 1264 × (@) | When i waz 20 i knew twice az | -|21| F || kold rather @ ¶ | mutch az i do now, and the way | -|22| S || @ @ waxes | things are going on, if i should | -|23| G || @ @ Job @ @ | liv to be 75, i dont expekt to kno | -|24| M || Perkins @ @ Ψ | nothing. | -|25| T || @ @ @ loved @ | | -|26| W || onions @ ¶ | | -|27| T || @!! now is the !!@ | * * * * * | -|28| F || winter ov @ Σ | | -|29| S || @ @ our diskontent | Thare iz no radikal kure for | -|30| G || @ @ examine *|* | lazyness, but starvashun will cum | -|31| M || @ + yure geese | the nearest to it. | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ - - - - -_THE VEGATABEL BITTERS MAN._ - -Whenever a man gits ded broke, and kant think ov nothing to raze a -breeze with, and hiz uncle wont hav him boarding at hiz house enny more, -and the heels ov hiz boots hav knawed the bottom ov his pantaloons all -off, he takes rubarb root, and a fu katnip blossoms, and sum tan bark, -and sokes them for 14 hours in sum cheap whiskey, and goes hedlong into -the liver renovating bizzness. He plasters every fence, saw mill log, -stun wall, and cow's back, from Portland Maine to Stockton Californy, -with red, and yello hand bills, offering to heal the halt, make the -blind talk, and the deaf see, and renew the inside, and outside, ov all -kreashun, for a dollar and twenty five cents a bottle. He takes rooms at -sum fust klass hotel, drives 8 in hand, and never iz seen, only on the -jump. He iz az full ov bizzness az a deputy superintendant ov a Sunday -skool, on a piknik day, and call on him when yu will, to kollekt yure -little bill ov 7 dollars, he haz just left for Baltimore, or wont be -home from Nu Orleans, untill week after next. Theze men are not all ov -them unskrupulous, they are kunning kritters, who hav found out, that -mankind to be happy, must be cheated. - - -_PAUZE._ - -It iz the prudes in this world that need the most watching, coquets are -too kareless to be dangerous. - - * * * * * - -Most men are like a hop vine, if they dont hav sum kind ov a pole to -klimb, and then stik to it, they wont promulgate mutch hops. - - -29 Days. FEBRUARY. 1876. - -Q.--Please define old bachelors. @ @ @ @ - -A.--Pickled Krabs. @ @ @ - - [Illustration] - - _Sum friend told John to travel, - Twelve miles on the jump each day, - Before he et enny brekfasst, - And not loiter upon the way._ - -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -|@ | @ || _Short Fakts._ | _FIGGER HEDS._ | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -| 1| T || Dern kold @ the | | -| 2| W || kockroach haz no | Kats are very humble, espeshily | -| 3| T || sting @ prepare | just after they hav committed | -| 4| F || for more @@@ | sum nu kind ov deviltry. | -| 5| S || @ @ weather | | -| 6| G || Bonaparte fit @--@ | * * * * * | -| 7| M || § for a living :@: | | -| 8| T || sighns * ov * wind | The man who iz allwuss trieing | -| 9| W || now sing sams | to kreate a sensashun, will git so | -|10| T || Jake @@ Turner | pretty soon, that he kant kreate | -|11| F || departed @ 1830 | even a disturbance. | -|12| S || | | -|13| G || Ω ω snowy @@@ | | -|14| M || Jake Turner Ψ Σ | * * * * * | -|15| T || !-?-! waz a @@ | | -|16| W || c-o-n-s-t-a-b-l-e | If yu want to git a fust klass | -|17| T || @it duz § snow@ | situashun in sum alms house, | -|18| F || @ @ now | giv all yure property to yure | -|19| S || slay hogs :(): | children before yu die. | -|20| G || @ [] for pork | | -|21| M || lessly --!!-- cold | | -|22| T || Washington @ | * * * * * | -|23| W || @ [::] could §@@§ | | -|24| T || @ not lie @ wind | | -|25| F || more fluktuous | Thare's lots ov men in this | -|26| S || expekt visitors @ | world that are like a rooster, | -|27| G || @ snow-squally | take the cockade, and spurs off | -|28| M || now munch @@@ | from them, and yu couldn't hardly | -|29| T || @ Ω @ slapjax | tell them from a hen. | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ - - - - -_THE KROW._ - -I hav written sevral very poplar obituary notisses ov the krow, but find -that i hav stated a good deal about them that wazn't jist so, and left -unsed mutch that waz true. The krow iz az cunning az a Tombs lawyer, and -just about az mutch ov a ded beat. Yu kant ketch one in a trap, and if -you should, yu could not bile one in a pot, soft enuff to eat, in 3 -weeks. A tame krow, and a civilized injun, may be a moral triumph on the -face ov it, but when yu cum to examine the other side ov it, yu will -find that yu hav overdid the bizzness. If all the krows, and injuns, in -this world were tame and, civilized, yu could bid fairwell to all other -manuel, and mental labor, and spend all yure time, and talents, studying -the pesky, infernal kritters. Krows assemble in the fall ov the year, 30 -thousand ov them, or more, in council, and appoint their deakons for the -following year. At this grate kawkuss, rezolushuns ov a inflamitory -natur are passed, daming the farmers for putting up skare krows in the -kornfields, plans are laid for next years stealings, and each krow -swopping wives, the meeting disseminates, and the krows fli away. - - -_HOLD!_ - -Dont keep but one dog, no one but a pauper kan afford to keep three. - - * * * * * - -If yu are going to make amuzements a stiddy bizzness, ketching flies iz -az good az enny. - - -31 Days. MARCH. 1876. - -Q.--What are bording-houses? @ @ - -A.--Asylums for cockroaches. @ @ @ - - [Illustration] - - _John heard next that dieting, - Waz the only thing 'twould kure him,---- - Liv on a jill of soup a day, - And they offered to insure him._ - -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -|@ | @ || _Short Fakts._ | _FRONT TEETH._ | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -| 1| W || Windy @ winds @ | | -| 2| T || @ Congress gits | Wize men sumtimes bild air | -| 3| F || together @ [ @ | kastles just for the fun ov the | -| 4| S || now ß look out | thing, it iz only the phools who | -| 5| G || @ @ for wind | bild them, and then undertake to | -| 6| M || watch hens @ @ | liv in them. | -| 7| T || @ for eggs @ | | -| 8| W || @ wind more @ so | | -| 9| T || Frank Dutcher | * * * * * | -|10| F || appeared 1742 @ | | -|11| S || @ wind howls @ | I hav seen folks who waz violently | -|12| G || | oppozed to gambling, simply | -|13| M || @ @ Frank @ @ | bekauze they had found out | -|14| T || D-u-t-c-h-e-r | that they couldn't win. | -|15| W || @ @ waz @ @ a | | -|16| T || failure @ ~ @ | | -|17| F || wind @ shouts | * * * * * | -|18| S || @ now ! ask @ | | -|19| G || k!o!n!u!md!r!u!m!s | | -|20| M || @ @ windy @ @ | I notiss one thing, when a man | -|21| T || William @ Penn | stubs his toe he cussess all | -|22| W || @ @ waz a @ @ | kreashun fust, then the toe, but | -|23| T || quaker @ @ @ | never himself. | -|24| F || @ wind @ | | -|25| S || frackshus ¶ @ @ | | -|26| G || @ now hunt | * * * * * | -|27| M || weazels @ @ @ | | -|28| T | | @ wind @ | | -|29| W || more south :: | Dont change yure bait mi boy, | -|30| T || @ @ @ than it | if yu are ketching fish with angle | -|31| F || (w) (a) (z) @ @ | worms--stik to the worms. | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ - - - - -_THE KROTON BUG._ - -The kroton bug are dirty blak kusses, without enny pedigree, and ov no -more use than an extra fli in a plate ov soup. They hang around wet and -damp places, and are all the time either going in, or comeing out, ov -every krak in that naborhood. Thare iz no begining, nor end, to their -number, and if yu bore a hole with a gimblet, enny whare near a plug -basin, the next day the krotons will be az thick around it, az tho a nu -3 cent gin mill had just been opened thare. What they liv on no -naturalist knows, or dassent tell, and yu kant git rid ov them, enny -more than you kan skare the flies out ov a sugar hogshed, by hollering -at them. They are allwuss on the move like a grasshopper, but what they -are about, or would like to hav, they kant even tell them selfs. Thare -iz a powder advertized which they say will klean the kroton bugs all out -ov the house in 4 days. I am no gambler, but i will give the powder 7 -days the start, and then bet on the bugs. Thare is only one sure way to -git the krotons out ov a house, burn up the house and let a strong east -wind blo the ashes away. - - -_DWELL._ - -The devil allwuss keeps the gide boards that lead to hiz dominions, -fresh painted, and in good order. - - * * * * * - -I never knu a man yet who waz allwuss watching his helth, to die enny -whare near az soon az he expekted to. - - -30 Days. APRIL. 1876. - -Q.--Define a pig. @ @ @ - -A.--Pork in pantaletts. @ @ @ - - [Illustration] - - _For two years John lived on nothing, - And walkt like a ghost on a raid, - 'Till he lookt like the piktur abuv, - Which kost us a "V" to hav made._ - -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -|@ | @ || _Short Fakts._ | _HED LIGHTS._ | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -| 1| S || @ @ It rains @ @ | | -| 2| G || bright @ and @ | Dont never trust a man at the | -| 3| M || butiful @ let | rate ov 50 cents on a dollar,--if | -| 4| T || @ @ her rain @ @ | yu kant konfide in him at par, | -| 5| W || now stik in lettiss | let him slide. | -| 6| T || @ sum @ @ more @ | | -| 7| F || @ rain @ | | -| 8| S || now @ the ß frog | * * * * * | -| 9| G || @ squeals a wet @ | | -|10| M || @ day @ @ @ | I dont kno which iz the biggest | -|11| T || Joab ¶ @ Mitchell | phool, the man who kan spend | -|12| W || @ died 1769 @ | two hours bragging about himself, | -|13| T || mizzling wet @ @ | or the one who kan sit pashuntly | -|14| F || @ @ @ Joab loved | and listen to him. | -|15| S || old cider @ wind | | -|16| G || southy @ @ about | | -|17| M || now ~ @ @ @ | * * * * * | -|18| T || | | -|19| W || @ thrust in arly @ | It iz very diffikult for a man to | -|20| T || peas @ @ @ moist | change his pollyticks, or hiz | -|21| F || but @ wet @ @ @ | religion, without being suspekted | -|22| S || ekonemy is welth | ov having very little ov either. | -|23| G || @ @ it rains @ | | -|24| M || Daniel Webster | | -|25| T || @ @ knu law ß @ | * * * * * | -|26| W || it @--@ drizzles | | -|27| T || @ @ @ "vox @ @ @ | | -|28| F || non est @ @ @ | The two bizzyest persons in | -|29| S || con-fab-u-lus" § | this world about nothing, iz a | -|30| G || @ :~. @ | country gossip, and a June bug. | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ - - - - -_THE KUNTRY SKOOL MOM._ - - -The kuntry skool mom iz allwuss about 23 years, and six months old, and -remains rite thare for a term ov years. She wears her hair either kut -short, or hanging around in ringlets, and iz az precise in every thing, -az a pair ov Fairbanks' improved platform skales. She never laffs out -loud, and seldum even smiles, but when she duz, she duz it ackording to -the rules laid down by Murray, for speaking, and pronouncing, the -English language propperly. She iz the very oil ov propriety, and would -rather be four years behind the fashions in bonnetts, than to spell a -word wrong, or parse a sentence inkorrektly. The kuntry skool mom seldum -dies an old maid, she gits marrid to sum man who haz less larning than -she haz, and he thinks (az he ought to) that thare aint another sutch a -larnt woman az hiz wife iz, in all kreashun. With all her precise -foolishness i luv, and respekt, the kuntry skool mom, she taut me mi -letters, and larnt me how to spel, she waz pashunt while i waz stupid, -she soothed me when i waz frackshus, and she often (good soul) giv me a -titbit from her luncheon at noon time. May Heaven bless, and comfort -her, for she iz poorly paid, and iz stepmother to every boddys yung -ones. - - -_STOP._ - -A man will liv longer on onions, and abuse, than on enny other 2 things -i kno ov. - - * * * * * - -Yung man, mark yure goose up hi, two thirds ov the world hav no other -idea of value, only by the price that iz put onto things. - - -31 Days. MAY. 1876. - -Q.--What iz honesty? @ @ @ - -A.--The wag ov a dogs tail. @ @ @ - - [Illustration] - - _Johnny then bought a hard trotter, - And rode himself weak az a rag, - Then sold him for 19 dollars, - Just haff that he gave for the nag._ - -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -|@ | @ || _Short Fakts._ | _WEATHER COCKS._ | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -| 1| M || @ Hoss radish @ | | -| 2| T || haz cum @ @ @ | Thare iz now and then a fool | -| 3| W || wind south-east | so well bred that he is really | -| 4| T || @ @ @ @ | quite endurable. | -| 5| F || @@ grindstuns @@ | | -| 6| S || diskovered @ 1714 | | -| 7| G || @ @ wet showers | * * * * * | -| 8| M || Ralph Goodo @ | | -| 9| T || @ @ @ born 1109 | | -|10| W || mild but plezant | Gossip that iz travelling around | -|11| T || @ @ @ | loose iz a lie, or will be, bi the | -|12| F || @ @ Ralph @ @ | time it haz changed hands once | -|13| S || loved @ @ sassage | more. | -|14| G || @ prepare @ | | -|15| M || for nice @ @ @ | * * * * * | -|16| T || @ weather @ | | -|17| W || man waz @ @ @ @ | I wrote 5 years just for glory, | -|18| T || kreated ¶ a @ little | and met with sum glory, but | -|19| F || lower than the | when i asked for pay, every boddy | -|20| S || @ angells @ and @ | found out at once, that i waz | -|21| G || | a kussid phool. | -|22| M || haz been @ @ @ | | -|23| T || @ gitting @ | | -|24| W || a @ little @ lower | | -|25| T || @ ever since @ | * * * * * | -|26| F || now @ @ insert | | -|27| S || @ @ arly corn @ @ | | -|28| G || @ @ Pharaoh fell @ | Thare iz lots ov pholks who if | -|29| M || warm @ ~ @ @ | they should miss their morning | -|30| T || @ @ @ @ into the | paper wouldn't kno mutch ov | -|31| W || red see @ @ @ | ennything for that day | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ - - - - -_THE RED CURRANT_ - -Next to the apple, for every day wear, cums the red currant. They are -allmost az necessary, and common, for sweetmeats, in all well regulated -familys, az hash iz for brekfasst. They gro on a low bush, and they gro -so thick, that yu couldn't stik another one on, without knocking off -two. They are about the size ov a dubble B shot, and when they are ripe, -are az red az the eye of a wild pigeon. They are az sour az the blood ov -a lemon, but plenty ov sugar kures them ov this malady. Currants are -good green, ripe, and haff ripe, and are cheaper than herring, and not -haff so full of bones. Thare iz a grate menny things i had rather do, in -a hot day, than pik currants but i hav dun it all day, when i waz a boy, -and got a ninepence at night for the job. I am more than haff a century -old now, but i kan look bak and see just how brite, and how big, one ov -them ninepences used to be. A hundred dollars aint haff so mutch munny -now, az they waz then. I wish ı waz a boy agin, and knu ov life what i -kno now, ı would bind miself, if I could allwuss be a boy, to pik -currants for a ninepence a day, az long az the currants held out. - - -_REFLEKT_ - -A jealous man iz allwuss anxious to beleave what he doubts the most. - - * * * * * - -Too grate a luv ov popularity makes a munky ov a man. - - - [Illustration] - - Next to a klear conshunce, for solid cumfort, cums an - eazy boot.= - - Try both. Josh Billings - - - [Illustration] - - Dont dispize yure poor relashuns, they may bekum suddenly - ritch sum day, and then it will be awkward to explain things to them.= - - Undoubtedly so, Josh Billings. - - -30 Days. JUNE. 1876. - -Q.--Define a perfume. @ @ @ - -A.--Rape ov the flowers. @ @ @ - - [Illustration] - - _Five years John spent hunting tonicks, - He drank all the kures in the land, - And lost so mutch flesh he waz forced - To hold up hiz pants with each hand._ - -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -|@ | @ || _Short Fakts._ | _TOP KNOTS._ | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -| 1| T || Sighns ov warmness | | -| 2| F || @ @ @ Ruth | He who elevates hiz profeshun | -| 3| S || Comstok born | iz the best mechanik, whether he | -| 4| G || @ @ 1786 @ @ | preaches the gospel, peddles | -| 5| M || @ Ruth Comstok @ | phisick, or skins eels for a living.| -| 6| T || had the @ dispepshy | | -| 7| W || @ more rain @ | | -| 8| T || @ @ now expekt | * * * * * | -| 9| F || litening rod @ @ | | -|10| S || @ @ venders | Lazyness iz a terrible burden | -|11| G || @: hot but wet :@ | to carry, and it iz one ov them | -|12| M || | kind ov burdens that yu kant | -|13| T || § June bugs ¶ @ | dump, if you want to ever so | -|14| W || @ @ @ have cum | mutch. | -|15| T || more heat @ @ @ | | -|16| F || Mark @ Twain | | -|17| S || @ is a funny kuss @ | * * * * * | -|18| G || expekt hotness @ | | -|19| M || @ @ now bury ~ | | -|20| T || potatoes @ @ @ | It aint no disgrace for a man to | -|21| W || @ @ not so warm | fall, but to lay thare, and grunt, | -|22| T || @ Old Grimes @ | iz. | -|23| F || is ded @ @ @ | | -|24| S || hunt @ for @ frogs | | -|25| G || @ hind legs @ | * * * * * | -|26| M || thunder and @ @ | | -|27| T || @ @ litening | | -|28| W || @ thare iz a @ | An old man desperately in luv | -|29| T || divinity shapes | iz an objekt ov pitty, he iz az | -|30| F || @ our ends @ @ | bad off az a lost dog. | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ - - - - -_THE LITENING ROD MAN._ - -Ever since Adam waz ordered to root, or perish, thare haz been an -endless lot ov labor saving masheens, invented, az plenty, and menny ov -them az useless, az tudstools in an old meadow. Theze invenshuns are -generally pattented, and to be a good pattent rite vender, and sell a -man an injun rubber litening rod, who haz allreddy got two, requires -more genius, than to be consul to the Azore Islands. I have seen theze -litening rod fellows sell a man a rod who wouldn't hav one at enny -price, and after they had got hiz house all covered over with one, and -got the munny for it, git one onto hiz barn, and pig pen, and git hiz -note for them, with his nabors endorsement, for 9 months, with 7 per -cent interest from date. I should be a mizerable hand to sell a pattent -rite miself, but just the rite kind ov a man to buy one. It iz a grate -wonder that I dont own a dozen now, that would be az useless to enny -boddy az a pair ov pattent crutches would be to a lame grasshopper. I -hav got a grate deal ov pattent rite kuriosity in my compound, and am -allways hanging around things that hav got a little mistery in them, but -i suppoze i hav got a grate deal ov caushun too. But now I think ov it, -kuriosity, and caushun, well mixt, are a hard thing to sell a pattent -rite to. - - -_ESPOUSE._ - -The fust 3 notes i endorsed i had to pay, and i hope it will be jiss so -with the next 3. - - * * * * * - -It aint no kredit for enny man, to work for nothing, and board himself. - - -31 Days. JULY. 1876. - -Q.--What are sassages? @ @ @ - -A.--Doggerels. @ @ @ - - [Illustration] - - _Our pashunt now took to reading, - He studdid the liver ov man, - Untill he knu what ailed him, - A heap less, than when he began._ - -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -|@ | @ || _Short Fakts._ | _RIGHT BOWERS._ | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -| 1| S || Big-hotness @ @ | | -| 2| G || @ @ Paul waz an | Luv is the strongest pashun ov | -| 3| M || apostle @ @ @ | a woman's harte, she has got to | -| 4| T || @ sighns @ ov @ | luv sumthing, either a baby, a | -| 5| W || @ @ thunder @ | nu bonnet, a lap dog, or the | -| 6| T || now destroy grass | heathen. | -| 7| F || @ Sam Perkins @ | | -| 8| S || died @ 1836 | * * * * * | -| 9| G || very mutch hot @ | | -|10| M || @ @ Sam Perkins | | -|11| T || @ waz @ a @ pharo @ | I am allwuss more than haff | -|12| W || -][- dealer :--: | afraid ov the man, who kant talk | -|13| T || | 5 minnitts with me, on enny subjekt,| -|14| F || @ @ heat hottens | without expressing grate | -|15| S || @ ¶ @ @ | anxiety about my soul. | -|16| G || snakes ~ hav cum | | -|17| M || @ @ it rains @ @ | * * * * * | -|18| T || Ward Beecher | | -|19| W || @ iz a preecher @ | | -|20| T || @ @ expekt @ | Go slo yung man, if yu tap | -|21| F || thunder @ @ @ | both ends ov yure cider barrell | -|22| S || @ ~ @ musketore | at once, and draw out ov the | -|23| G || @ perforate @ @ | bung hole besides; yure cider | -|24| M || hotly @ ¶ cheuing | aint a going to hold out long. | -|25| T || gum @ diskovered | | -|26| W || @ @ 1596 @ @ | | -|27| T || Adam waz our @ | * * * * * | -|28| F || @ @ @ beginning | | -|29| S || @ mutch § hot @ | Eat hash washing days, and be | -|30| G || 3 cheers ß @ @ | thankfull for it, even if yu hav | -|31| M || @ @ @ for Adam | to shut both eyes to do it. | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ - - - - -_THE PEACH._ - -Peaches and kream will convert enny man who iz worth saving. The peach -haz a doun on them, like the doun on a maiden's cheek, but it aint haff -so plezant to git onto the lips. Peach brandy iz made out ov the peach, -this licker haz been called mellow, but like all other licker that i hav -tried, it will lay out a saint, just az flatt az it will a sinner. The -fakt ov it iz, thare aint no kind ov ardent rum, i dont kare how -artless, and gentle the name ov it iz, or how ritch, and mello yu may -call it, but what will throw him who wrassells with it, be he phool, or -be he philospher. Thare iz only one piece ov humanity that kan stand -ardent speerits, and he iz an injun, and he kant stand it, only just -long enuff to git civilized. When peach brandy is fust made it iz az hot -az a streak ov litening, and just about az sudden. I once drank a tea -spoon full ov it warm from the still, and it waz 20 minnitts be fore i -could draw a long breath. I waz az hot inside az a chimney on fire. I -thought it would brake out and blaze sum whare, but it didn't happen to. - - -_DIGEST._ - -I konsider all profeshions that are honest, honorabell enuff, but i hav -thought, that a travelling korn doktor, waz the last one i should adopt, -just for the sake ov glory. - - * * * * * - -Thare iz one thing about a mule that i allwuss did like, the minnitt -that you begin to flatter them, then they begin to kik. - - -31 Days. AUGUST. 1876. - -Q.--Define dispepshy. @ @ @ - -A.--Nightmare ov the stummuk. - - [Illustration] - - _John bought next a kord of hard wood, - And sawed like a man on a bet, - It bent him dubble,--if it hadn't,-- - John would have sawed at it yet._ - -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -|@ | @ || _Short Fakts._ | _QUEEN BEES._ | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -| 1| T || Mutch warm @ @ | He who aims at perfekshun | -| 2| W || @ now consume | will probably miss the mark, but | -| 3| T || @ juleps @ @ @ | he who aims at nothing, iz sure | -| 4| F || thunder showers | to hit it every time. | -| 5| S || Pete Larkins @ | | -| 6| G || @ absconds 1741 | * * * * * | -| 7| M || @ .: @ @ | | -| 8| T || @ immense heat @ | | -| 9| W || now @ @ @ @ | The man who haz been waiting | -|10| T || [ ¶ ] : : pik geese | for the last 15 years, for sumthing | -|11| F || @ more hotter @ | to turn up, iz to work on the | -|12| S || Eve waz our (!) | same job yet. | -|13| G || @ @ fust mother | | -|14| M || @ less @ hot @ | | -|15| T || fleas are here @ @ | * * * * | -|16| W || @ @ @ big rain | | -|17| T || pills diskovered 436 | I had a grate deal rather be | -|18| F || @ hot @ seems @ | told that a man is virteuous, and | -|19| S || | morely | | honest, than to hear that hiz | -|20| G || now snatch @ @ | father is a member ov congress, | -|21| M || @ @ @ doun oats | or even that hiz grandfather, fit | -|22| T || thunder @ @ and | into the revolushun. | -|23| W || @ @ @ litening @ | | -|24| T || Ben Franklin @ @ | | -|25| F || @ @ @ waz a @ | * * * * * | -|26| S || S¡p¡e¡n¡d¡t¡h¡r¡i¡f¡t | | -|27| G || expekt @ flies | Men sumtimes hav doubts about | -|28| M || Judas Iskariott @ | their religion, and even honesty, | -|29| T || @ waz a @ @ @ | but i never met one who doubted | -|30| W || @ @ @ failure | his shrewdness. | -|31| T || | | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ - - - - -_THE BUMBLE BEE._ - -The bumble bee iz a kind ov big fly who goes muttering, and swareing -around the lots, during the summer, looking after little boys to sting -them, and stealing hunny out ov the dandylions, and thissells. He iz mad -all the time about sumthing, and dont seem to kare a kuss what people -think ov him. A skool boy will studdy harder enny time to find a bumble -bees nest than he will to git hiz lesson in arithmetik, and when he haz -found it, and got the hunny out ov it, and got badly stung into the -bargin, he finds thare aint mutch margin in it. Next to poor mollassis, -bumble bee hunny iz the poorest kind ov sweetmeats in market. Bumble -bees hav allwuss been in fashion, and probably allwuss will be, but -whare the fun, or proffit lays in them, i never could cypher out. The -proffit dont seem to be in the hunny, nor in the bumble bee neither. -They bild their nest in the ground, or enny whare else they take a -noshun too, and aint afrade to fite a whole distrikt skool, if they -meddle with them. I dont blame the bumble bee, nor enny other fellow, -for defending hiz sugar, it iz the fust, and last Law ov natur, and i -hope the law wont never run out. The smartest thing about the bumble bee -iz their stinger. - - -_DISCUSS._ - -Mice very seldum cum out ov a hole that iz clussly watched. - - * * * * * - -I fully beleave in ghosts, but I never herd yet ov two persons seeing -the same ghost, at the same time. - - -30 Days. SEPTEMBER. 1876. - -Q.--Define thunder. @ @ @ - -A.--Lightning on a bust. @ @ @ - - [Illustration] - - _John's minister called on him now, - His case exciting alarm, - The good man sed,_ "John is all right," - _Only go to work on a farm._ - -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -|@ | @ || _Short Fakts._ | _UPPER KRUSTS._ | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -| 1| F || @ Mildly @ @ | The gratest bores in the world | -| 2| S || now @ @ crickets | are those who are eternally trieing | -| 3| G || simmer @ soft @ @ | to prove to yu that 2, and 2, | -| 4| M || @ Fred Johnsing | allwuss makes 4. | -| 5| T || deceased @ @ @ | | -| 6| W || @ @ wind east | | -| 7| T || Johnsing waz @ @ | * * * * * | -| 8| F || @ a barber @ | | -| 9| S || now lift @ @ | | -|10| G || onions @ warm | One ov the simplest ways to | -|11| M || @ @ rane @ @ | try menny men's faith iz, to ask | -|12| T || Chapin @ iz @ a | them to subskribe for fixing up | -|13| W || p*r*e*a*c*h*e*r | the meeting house. | -|14| T || @ : mild : @ | | -|15| F || @ September @ | | -|16| S || now the cuckoo | * * * * * | -|17| G || @ @ @ hollers | | -|18| M || expekt showers @ | | -|19| T || @ @ Sim Darling | Free luv is the science ov luveing | -|20| W || born 1492 * ~ @ | sumboddy else's wife more | -|21| T || @ @ @ "si quod | than yu do yure own, and trieing | -|22| F || infantum" @ @ | to preserve a good average,--it | -|23| S || @ much pleasant | kant be did. | -|24| G || now the lamb @ | | -|25| M || @ @ bleats @ @ | * * * * * | -|26| T || @ sweet @ weather | | -|27| W || giv us your hand | | -|28| T || @ stranger @ | Stealing is the oldest sin on | -|29| F || @ @ for 90 days | rekord,--stealing apples. | -|30| S || | | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ - - - - -_THE YELLO JACKET._ - -The yello jacket iz ov the wasp purswashun, and iz about one size -smaller than the common blak hornet, and iz az mutch hotter, in hiz -coolest moments, than enny other bug, az jersey litening iz hotter than -ice kream. They are the most krewel fighters in existence, and will hit -a man, or beast, four times in a seckond, in the same spot. They are az -yello az gold, and when they are good mad, they blaze like a kandle. -When a yello jacket gits mad all the way through, he will fite a brush -heap on fire, just az quick az he will a mile stun. I hav seen them -pitch on to each other, and having killed their man, close up the fite -by stinging themselfs to death. Dont go near a yellow jacket's nest in -the month of August, unless yure life iz insured, not even a hard shell -Baptist, or a missionary, would be safe in that naborhood. They kant -tell a friend from a foe, and I think would sting a potash kittle, a -dozen times, and not mistrust it waz iron. They make homes for themselfs -out in the lots amungst the ploughed ground, and i hav seen them bile -out ov their nests like a distrikt skool let out for noon, or a -smothered fire, and pitching into the oxen, farmer, and plough, drive -the whole party, on the jump, off from the premises. - - -_EMBRACE._ - -Most men are like vinegar, the older they gro, the sourer they git. - - * * * * * - -Lazy men, and black ants, are allwuss hunting for a job. - - - [Illustration] - - Thare iz no phun in gitting kikt bi a mule, but thare iz lots ov - phun in knowing that he kant do it agin.= - - How is this, Josh Billings - - - [Illustration] - - Falling in luv, iz like falling down stairs.--we never kan tell - exackly how the thing waz did.= - - In haste, Josh Billings - - -31 Days. OCTOBER. 1876. - -Q.--Deskribe old maids. @ @ @ - -A.--Embers from which the sparks hav fled. - - [Illustration] - - _Our hero soon found out a place, - With a farmer, kind hearted indeed, - Who let him ho corn for nothing, - And only charged John for his feed._ - -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -|@ | @ || _Short Fakts._ | _MORNING STARS._* | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -| 1| G || @ @ @ Jack | Seckond luv, iz like a seckond | -| 2| M || Frosty @ @ @ | case ov the measles, the pashunt | -| 3| T || @ now @ hunt @ | iz sure to allwuss hav it light. | -| 4| W || butternuts @ @@ | | -| 5| T || @ cool but wet @ | | -| 6| F || John Bunyan @ | * * * * * | -| 7| S || @ @ waz a pilgrim | | -| 8| G || @ more cool @ | | -| 9| M || now trap @ @ | Yu kant hire a man to be honest, | -|10| T || @ @ for rats @ | if yer do, he will want his | -|11| W || @ wind northy @ | wages raised every morning. | -|12| T || apple sass@ @ @ | | -|13| F || @ @ invented 986 | | -|14| S || wet but cool @ @ | * * * * * | -|15| G || @ @ @ now jerk | | -|16| M || turnips @ @ @ | | -|17| T || @ @ more @ | Thare iz a grate deal ov religion | -|18| W || moistly @ @ @ | in this world that iz like a life | -|19| T || sun in @ apogee | preserver, only put on at the | -|20| F || @ frosty now @ | moment ov extreme danger, and | -|21| S || @ destroy @ early @ | then half the time put on hind | -|22| G || @ pork @ | side before. | -|23| M || sum snow @ @ | | -|24| T || @ @ Dan Barker | | -|25| W || kikt the bucket @ | * * * * * | -|26| T || @ 1691 @ @ | | -|27| F || koldy @ now | | -|28| S || smash @ wood @ | Most people are like an egg, | -|29| G || muskeeters skarse* | too full of themselves to hold | -|30| M || | enny more. | -|31| T || | | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ - - - - -_THE YANKEE PEDLAR._ - -Probably the sharpest man that the world haz been blest with thus far iz -the natral born Yankee pedlar. He takes to the bizzness just az handy az -a yung duk takes to the water, who haz been hatched out by mistake amung -a lot ov hen's eggs. He kan see just whare the proffit lies in a dicker, -and aint afrade to invest hiz whole pile, at a minnitt's notiss, in an -assorted lot ov goose yokes. He begins life yung, and like the bizzy -ant, gits up arly, and eats on the run. Az long az he keeps honest he iz -sure to sukceed, but sumtimes hiz genius iz too mutch for hiz integrity, -and every boddy gits to be az frade ov him, az they are ov a hornet. The -hornet iz the smartest bug in kreashun, but haint got no friends. The -world luvs to be cheated, but they want to hav it dun bi an honest man, -and not bi a hornet, and then they never seem to git tired ov it. I hav -seen Yankee pedlars who allwus cheated every boddy they traded with, but -they allwuss did it so honest, and square, that every boddy seemed to be -happy when their turn cum. But the old fashioned Yankee pedlar, with his -little red painted kart, and bobtail pony, like the letterings on the -mile stuns, iz fast fading away. - - -_SEIZE._ - -Stik and hang yung man, it iz the last six inches in a race that allwuss -wins the munny. - - * * * * * - -If yu want to find out just how mean, and dishonest, yu hav allwuss -been, git a nominashun, and run for sum offiss. - - -30 Days. NOVEMBER. 1876. - -Q.--What are oaths? @ @ @ - -A.--Sin in italicks. @ @ @ - - [Illustration] - - _John read in a hand bill somewhare, - That salt water was shure to save him, - So he went forthwith to Long Branch, - And hired a man to bathe him._ - -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -|@ | @ || _Short Fakts._ | _EARLY BIRDS._ | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -| 1| W || Kold but sour @ | | -| 2| T || @ @ now worry | Thoze who are too proud to | -| 3| F || the fires @ @ @ | enquire what a thing kosts when | -| 4| S || sno | 9| foot @ | they buy it, are the fust ones to | -| 5| G || @ @ @ deep | find fault when they cum to pay | -| 6| M || Zeke @ Rathbun | for it. | -| 7| T || failed 1862 @ @ | | -| 8| W || kold @ @ grows | | -| 9| T || @ Zeke waz in @ | * * * * * | -|10| F || @ @ @ @ | | -|11| S || the pea nut @ @ | | -|12| G || @ ~ @ profeshun | | -|13| M || | Kards, whiskey, and hoss raceing, | -|14| T || grate kold @ @ | bring all men down to the | -|15| W || @ @ now @ @ | same level. | -|16| T || mastikate @ @ @ | | -|17| F || @ @ @ | | -|18| S || @ ham and egg | * * * * * | -|19| G || kolder :: @ @ | | -|20| M || @ avoid @ tite @ | | -|21| T || @ boots @ | If a man writes for fame, the | -|22| W || sno inkreases @ @ | less he writes, the better. | -|23| T || @ @ Satan iz @ | | -|24| F || @ @ @ | | -|25| S || a @ mean @ kuss | * * * * * | -|26| G || it ~ thaws | | -|27| M || mutch kold @ ß | | -|28| T || @ @ hitch up to | When a man meazzures out | -|29| W || the fire @ @ @ | glory for himself, he allwuss heaps | -|30| T || ¶ @ @ ¶ | the haff bushel. | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ - - - - -_THE KUNTRY HOSS JOCKEY._ - - -For a red hot speciality, yu hav got to hunt kreashun cluss, to find an -equal, to the kuntry hoss jockey. He iz allwuss a man ov plezant -temperament, vain ov hiz opinyuns, often ov more fancy than judgement, -and quik to decide. He haz but little real affecksun for a hoss, and -only luvs him, for the cheat that iz in him. He iz allwuss reddy to -trade for enny thing, from a yerling kolt, to the kavalry hoss that Gen -Butler rode, at the battle ov Brandywine. He never knows when he gits -cheated, and ever thinks, that the last nag he got, iz the best one he -ever owned. He iz not bothered with too mutch conscience, and would az -soon lay out a travelling preacher in a swop, az hiz own father-in-law, -and do it without enny malice, but just for the honor ov the profeshun. -I dont kno whi it iz, that a man kan trade cows and be pious, or swop -oxen, and be a good deakon, or even negoshiate dogs, and be lookt upon -favourably, but when he goes into the hoss trading enterprize, if he -kant cheat, he haz mistaken hiz calling, and aint happy. The hoss jockey -iz sumtimes honest from policy, and the man who iz simply honest from -policy, needs az mutch watching az a hive ov bees do, who are just -gitting reddy to swarm. - - -_DISKOUNT._ - -If yu want to find out the utter weakness ov munny, just try to hire a -dubble tooth to stop akeing. - - * * * * * - -A boy will learn to sware well, in just haff the time it takes to learn -the 10 commands. - - -31 Days. DECEMBER. 1876. - -Q.--What iz a fiddle? @ @ @ - -A.--A ticklish thing. @ @ @ - - [Illustration] - - _John kept growing wusser and wuss, - Thinner, and thinner each day, - At last he waz nothing but mist, - And an East wind blu him away._ - -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -|@ | @ || _Short Fakts._ | _MIXT PHOOD._ | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -| 1| F || @ ~ @ Raw kold | | -| 2| S || now whissell @ @ | Whiskey makes a grate menny | -| 3| G || @ in your kats | wize men to day, and phools | -| 4| M || more snowy @ @ | tommorow. | -| 5| T || @ @ Sue Benson | | -| 6| W || died 1812 @ @ | * * * * * | -| 7| T || @ expekt @ snow | | -| 8| F || Sue @ waz @ a * flirt | | -| 9| S || mutch raw ß @ | Persons who marry after a long | -|10| G || @ @ @ now | and tejus courtship, go into | -|11| M || con::glom::e::rate | bizzness with just about the same | -|12| T || @ sassage @ | alakraty, that an old plough hoss | -|13| W || | jogs to church on Sunday. | -|14| T || wind north ~ ¶ | | -|15| F || @ @ Noah @ @ | | -|16| S || owned @ the @ ark | * * * * * | -|17| G || @ @ it @ snows | | -|18| M || let her snow @ @ | | -|19| T || @ @ @ hansum iz | Kuriosity is the same in all | -|20| W || az hansum duz @ | people, the vulgar stare, and the | -|21| T || @ :@: @ | refined peek thru a krak. | -|22| F || :|: quite snowfull ~ | | -|23| S || now slay @ @ | | -|24| G || @ @ @ turkeys | * * * * * | -|25| M || Noah @ Webster | | -|26| T || @ bilt the @ | | -|27| W || dikshionary @ @ @ | It is sed that men will tell the | -|28| T || @ @ @ | truth when they are drunk, but | -|29| F || may we all meet | sutch folks will lie more than | -|30| S || @ @ @ next year | enuff to ballance the akount, | -|31| G || GOOD-BYE !!!! | just az soon az they git sober. | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ - - - - -_PREVAILING SENTIMENTS OV THE PRESS._ - -Josh Billings still livs, and his Allminax for 1877 iz full ov joy for -the sad, and rest for the weary. - -_Atlantik Monthly._ - - * * * * * - -How natural, how happy, how concise, how forcible, it is, Josh Billings' -Allminax for 1877. - -_Appleton's Journal._ - - * * * * * - -Welcome, sweet morsel of delight, ever funny, and ever profound, Josh -Billings' Farmer's Allminax for the current year. - -_Harpers' Bazzar._ - - * * * * * - -Bully for you Josh, hit 'em agin, slay, and spare not, may you outlive -Methuseler, and not haul in your gang plank until Gabriel cries, "All a -board." - -_Springfield Republican._ - - * * * * * - -Aroma of lovelyness, perfume of joy, essence of tiltilation, breath of -beauty, seance of bliss, Josh Billings' Allminax for 1877. - -_Lady's Book._ - - - - -31 Days. JANUARY. 1877. - -Q.--How iz yure mother-in-law? @ @ @ @ - -A.--Pretty well i thank yu, how iz yures? @ @ @ - - [Illustration] - - _Hawk eyed, and spileing for a fight, - If enny one thinks they kan lick him, - Just let them put up the spondulicks, - And trot out the other game chicken._ - -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -|@ | @ || _Items._ | _PETS._ | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -| 1| M || @ Now dig ice | | -| 2| T || @ kold @ but | A man with mutch welth, and | -| 3| W || raw @ ¶ meazles | no pedigree, should do az the | -| 4| T || diskovered 1312 @ | bob tailed kats do, set down on | -| 5| F || @ * snowfull * @ | himself, and keep still. | -| 6| S || Adam fell @ hard | | -| 7| G || ::: wind north @ | | -| 8| M || § Enok Jones died | * * * * * | -| 9| T || @ 1102 -- more | | -|10| W || snow @ Enok < | | -|11| T || @ Jones was a free | Tricks upon travellers are allwuss | -|12| F || | dangerous experiments, i | -|13| S || lover @ sighns @@ | hav known a ded hornet to | -|14| G || ov melting @ now | wake up sudden, and sting just | -|15| M || destroy sum -- @ | once more. | -|16| T || hogs @ it rains @ | | -|17| W || @ litening @ bugs | | -|18| T || fust seen 956 @ (!) | * * * * * | -|19| F || × inkreasing snow | | -|20| S || @ mormonism @ | | -|21| G || invented 1832 () * | Familiarity iz a dangerous | -|22| M || @ @ snow 4 feet | experiment, the most familiar thing | -|23| T || deep * now the @ | in the whole world iz a puppy, | -|24| W || [Φ] muskeeter [Φ] | and the oftenest stept on. | -|25| T || lies @ @ dreaming | | -|26| F || @ cold @ @ @ | * * * * * | -|27| S || morely @ + @ | | -|28| G || @ now @ the | | -|29| M || @ :o: kat Ω @ | This is my plan,--to beleave | -|30| T || huggeth the @ @ | all things that i hear, but to put | -|31| W || --Φ-- @ stove | mi faith, and munny, in but few. | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ - - -_SUM ABRUPT LETTERS._ - -_Dear Bob._--The most disgusting kritter to me, in the whole ov the -United States ov Amerika, iz an overgrown boy, ov about fifteen summers, -who haz bekum the terror ov the whole family, and spends hiz spare time -hammering the cow, and stirring up the pig, and chickens. If the father, -or father-in-law, ov one ov these youths, will lend him to me, if i dont -civilize him, or kill him in ninety days, i will agree to forfit 50 -dollars, and the cloth for a new alpacka dress. - -P. S.--Send on the boy at once, at mi expense, i am just now out ov a -job.--J. B. - - * * * * * - -_Dear Steve._--It iz hard work to be in luv and not akt phoolish, but -luv iz the only thing i kno ov that makes pholly excusable. Luv haz made -sum kind ov a phool ov every man it haz attacked since the days ov Adam, -and it made the biggest kind ov a phool ov him. Wisdum, and ambishun iz -no protekshun aginst the disseaze, for Soloman evaporated before it like -the dew before the morning sun, and even good old David wilted like the -hewn grass. - - * * * * * - -_Dear Hank._--When yu strike ile pull out yure auger at onst, and begin -to barrell the ile, menny a man haz kept on untill he bored klean thru -and sum other phellow kaught the grease at the bottom. - - -_BULBS._ - -Ministers often point out to us, poor sinners, the strate, and narrow -gauge, az the only way to git to heaven, while they hav got a private -turnpike ov their own that 2.40 kan be made on. - - * * * * * - -Waiting to be whipt iz the most uninteresting period in boyhood life. - - - - -28 Days. FEBRUARY. 1877. - -Q.--What iz the smartest thing that a man kan do? @ @ @ - -A.--To drink pepper sass. @ @ @ @ - - [Illustration] - - _An ugly lump is the Tarrier Bull, - For fighting allwuss reddy, - With Mike O'Rowke he travels, - And his name iz one eyed Teddy._ - -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -|@ | @ || _Items._ | _VAGRANTS._ | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -| 1| T || The kold @!@ | Life aint mutch more than a | -| 2| F || chatters @@ Bill | farce enny how, but it iz quite | -| 3| S || Comstock deceased | necessary that the play should | -| 4| G || !! 1746 @ sighn ov | go on, and the farce be well | -| 5| M || snow @ Bill @ | ackted. | -| 6| T || Comstock died ov | | -| 7| W || ¶ § a broken heart | * * * * * | -| 8| T || more koldful () @ | | -| 9| F || @ Bill Comstock @ | The man whoze ambishun iz | -|10| S || tried to lift a @ @ | simply to liv, iz of no more | -|11| G || ton * kolder * but | importanse in this world, than an | -|12| M || | extra rat iz. | -|13| T || couldn't @ @ snow | | -|14| W || @ falls @ sun in | * * * * * | -|15| T || apogee @ bitter § | | -|16| F || kold @ rats are | If Adam and Eve had remained | -|17| S || skarse @ it storms | in the garden ov Eden untill to | -|18| G || C-h-r-i-s-t-o-p-h-e-r | day, they would hav simply been | -|19| M || Columbus @ @ @ | two fat, overgrown babys. | -|20| T || @ diskovered @ | | -|21| W || Amerika @ koldness | * * * * * | -|22| T || waxes :@: now @ | | -|23| F || @ @ the + @ | The gratest cumfort i hav seen | -|24| S || bull frog @ holds | in marrid life waz whare one ov | -|25| G || [@] hiz tung * @ | the partys wanted everything | -|26| M || snow rages @ Sam | their own way, and the other | -|27| T || :@: Patch died @@@ | party waz willing they should | -|28| W || poor * 1837 * @ | hav it. | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ - - -_THE ALLIGATOR._ - -The alligator iz an original kritter, a chip of the old block, and az -ugly to kontemplate az a congo darkey. They are residents ov Florida, -and gro 12 feet, and nine inches and then halt. Their teeth are all -tushes, and their mouth iz az full ov them az a buzz saw iz. Their eys -are sot up, and down, in their hed like a chinamans, and they hav an -appetight equal to 18 distrikt skool masters. They are the krokerdiles -ov Amerika, and lay eggs az eazy az a hen duz, but dont kackle when they -cum oph from the nest. They are grate cowards but aint afrade ov yung -pork, or little darkeys, and kan eat all the time, or go without eating, -az long az a gold fish kan. The alligator waz made for sum usefull -purpose, but like the muskeeter, the bedbugg, and the kokroach, their -usefullness haz been karephully hid from us. Yu kan shoot a hundred -alligators a day on the St. Johns river, but you kant bag one, and thare -aint enny more game in them, than thare iz in a rotten log. They are -long lived, and liv, if mi memory serves me right, 4 thousand years, and -their grate strength lays in their tails. They hiss when they are angry -like a tea kittle, and want az mutch room to turn round in az a fore and -aft skooner. - - -_DEW DROPS_ - -I hav known whiskey to make a man generous, but when he got sober agin, -he would git square with himself, bi being meaner than ever. - - * * * * * - -The man who iz rekless ov hiz life holds it at just about its market -value. - - - - -31 Days. MARCH. 1877. - -Q.--What are the 2 luxurys ov life? @ @ @ - -A.--Eazy boots, and a snug conshience. @ @ @ - - [Illustration] - - _Darwin sez, we hail from the munky, - And Darwin knows all about this thing, - But while i respekt mi poor relashuns, - From whitch, pray tell me, did the munky spring._ - -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -|@ | @ || _Items._ | _NUTMEGS._ | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -| 1| T || It blows @ @ | | -| 2| F || (@) Robert Burns | Enny man kan beat me out | -| 3| S || @ wrote poetry @ | ov mi munny, and mi opinyuns, | -| 4| G || more wind !! @ | eazy enuff, but no man kan beat | -| 5| M || * Fulton was * a | me out ov mi faith. | -| 6| T || @ steambote @ | | -| 7| W || @ @ Capting | | -| 8| T || @ wind travels @ | * * * * * | -| 9| F || around loose @ | | -|10| S || | | -|11| G || @ | now set hens | One ov the most unhappy | -|12| M || @ kold and raw @ | kritters in this world iz a | -|13| T || kongress sits ! more | neglekted pet, they are wuss off | -|14| W || @ windy @ Bob | than a vagrant. | -|15| T || Fletcher @ loved | | -|16| F || not @ wisely * but | * * * * * | -|17| S || too well @ Bob | | -|18| G || @ Fletcher loved | | -|19| M || whiskey @ wind @ | The middle course iz the best, | -|20| T || Easty @ Bonaparte | even a moderate deakon iz better | -|21| W || @ was a ~ @ | than a red hot one. | -|22| T || @ Frenchman @ | | -|23| F || ¶ @ rain @ with | | -|24| S || @ w-i-n-d @ | * * * * * | -|25| G || @ buty @@ iz | | -|26| M || short lived @ @ | | -|27| T || @ it blows @ @ | Yung man, dont ask enny | -|28| W || @ @ @ @ now | favours, it iz better to hav the | -|29| T || @ twitch teeth ß | world owe yu 10 dollars, and | -|30| F || more @ @ @ | finally git cheated out ov it, | -|31| S || @ @ @ wind @ | than to owe them one. | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ - - -_THE LOAFER._ - -The loafer iz a thing who iz willing to be dispized for the privilege ov -abusing others. He occupys all grades in sosiety from the judge on the -bench clear down to the ragged kritter who leans aginst the lamp posts, -and fites flies in August. He haz no pride that iz worthy, and no -delikasy that enny boddy kan hurt. During his boyhood he kills kats, and -robs all the hens nests in the naborhood. During hiz middle life he begs -all the tobacco he uses, and drinks all the cheap whiskey he kan at -sumboddy else's expense. During hiz old age he winters in the alms -houses, and summers in the sugar hogsheds, and when he cums to die, he -iz buried in a dich, like an omnibuss horse, with hiz old shuze on. The -loafer cares nothing for publik opinyun, and this alone, will make enny -man a loafer. The loafer rather covets disgrase, and when a man gits az -low down az this, he haz got az low down az he kan git in this world -without digging. We hav no reliable ackount ov the fust loafer, and -probably shant hav ov the last one, but in mi opinyun, they hav existed -just about az long az man haz. If Cain want a loafer, pray what waz he? - - -_TIT BITS._ - -Woman hav allwuss been more than a match for man, Adam held the best -kards, but he didn't kno how to play them well. - - * * * * * - -Thare iz one trait ov the human karakter that the devil himself must -envy, and that iz, the more we hav injured a man, the more we dispize -him. - - - - -30 Days. APRIL. 1877. - -Q.--Who fust struk ile? @ @ @ - -A.--Jonah @ @ @ - - [Illustration] - - _Long, lank, lean, and lemon colored. - An orphan, without friends, or place, - A target for every ones brik bat. - The yaller dog runs a dusty race._ - -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -|@ | @ || _Items._ | _BIRDLINGS._ | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -| 1| G || @ Pensive showers | One of the most diskourageing | -| 2| M || @ April Phool @ | features ov modern civilizashun, | -| 3| T || begot 896 @ @ | iz the average kuntry hotel. | -| 4| W || @ @ more wetness | | -| 5| T || @ Babes in the @ | | -| 6| F || woods @ @ @ lost | * * * * * | -| 7| S || 1122 @ wind @ | | -| 8| G || @ south @ now the | | -| 9| M || @ @ frogs squeal | Mankind luv to be cheated, | -|10| T || @ sum more @ @ | but they want to hav it dun bi | -|11| W || @ wetness @ now @ | an artist | -|12| T ||@ investigate @ for | | -|13| F || hens eggs @ a @ | | -|14| S ||@ @ kloudless day @ | * * * * * | -|15| G || Peter Bacon died | | -|16| M || 1492 @ @ cool but | | -|17| T ||@ pretty @ Peter @ | The most kritikal people to | -|18| W || @ @ Bacon had no | suit, are thoze who board at the | -|19| T || mother @ in law | alms houses. | -|20| F ||wind veers northy @ | | -|21| S ||@ @ now the gentle | | -|22| G || @ kokroach @ @ | * * * * * | -|23| M || cometh @ sum more | | -|24| T || @ wet @ Amos @ | | -|25| W || @ @ Bostwick born | Thare may be sutch a thing az | -|26| T || @ 1827 @ hard @ | a man who haz stole once, and | -|27| F || showers @ Amos @ | then quit, but i hav not the | -|28| S ||Bostwick @ had but | honor ov hiz acquaintanse. | -|29| G || @ @ @ one eye @ | | -|30| M || | | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ - - -_ARTIKLES OV FAITH._ - -Heaven bless the stummuk ake, if it want for this, menny ov us deakons -wouldn't hav no good excuse for hot rum. - - * * * * * - -The saddest ov all sights sad in this world, iz a child with a broken -spirit. - - * * * * * - -Man kant make cirkumstanses, but he kan take them bi the horns, insted -ov the tale. - - * * * * * - -Dont parade yure sorrows before the world, but bury them az the dogs do -their old bones, and then growl if enny boddy offers to dig them up. - - * * * * * - -Klubs are a place whare most people go to git rid ov themselfs. - - * * * * * - -A trained child to me iz a kind ov horror, i like to see them rekless -with innosense. - - * * * * * - -The boy who iz pikt out to be the genius ov the family is allwuss sure -to be the biggest dohed in the whole lot. - - - [Illustration] - - The only way to tire a phool out, iz to listen to him, and agree to - every thing he sez = - - Affekshionately Josh Billings - - - [Illustration] - - I hav seen men load a dubble barrell gun klear up to the muzzell, to - kill a chipping bird with, and git knokt hed over heels, when. the - gun went off.--and miss the bird besides.= - - A literal fakt, Josh Billings - - - - -31 Days. MAY. 1877. - -Q.--What kind ov a pen do plagarists use? @:~: - -A.--A steal pen. @ @ @ @ - - [Illustration] - - _Thou mewel!--thou art mi horror,-- - Desaitfull, and dang'rous kritter,-- - Az humbly az satan himself, - And besides a pizon hitter._ - -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -|@ | @ || _Items._ | _SHADDOWS._ | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -| 1| T || Butiful @ May @ | After a man has reached the | -| 2| W || @ now the @ tud | hight ov hiz ambishun the fust | -| 3| T || murmers @ @ soft | thing he duz, iz to be disgusted | -| 4| F || showers ( @ ) Kate | with it. | -| 5| S ||Sturgiss admitted * | | -| 6| G || 1842 @ @ Kate | | -| 7| M || Stuigis @ was a @ | * * * * * | -| 8| T || doktriss @ more * | | -| 9| W || hazy @ now prepare | | -|10| T ||@ @ for arly lettiss | It aint safe to endorse ennybody, | -|11| F || @ rain @ munny iz | we kant even tell ourselfs | -|12| S || tite @ brite and @ | what kind ov a man we shall | -|13| G || * klear @ Solaman | be on the 25th day of next | -|14| M || @ @ had wisdum | june. | -|15| T || klearing weather @ | | -|16| W || now probe * for @ | | -|17| T || @ @ hoss radish | * * * * * | -|18| F || @ sum more @ @ | | -|19| S || @ @ @ rainness @ | | -|20| G || @ Jabez Tucker | I prefer the gravity ov the | -|21| M || @ obituated @ @ | owl to the loquacity ov the | -|22| T || 1776 @ @ @ a @ | magpie, it iz better to look | -|23| W || @ @ @ sweet day | wize, than to talk phoolish. | -|24| T || Jabez fit @ @ @ | | -|25| F || @ and died @ | | -|26| S || @ ~ into the @ | * * * * * | -|27| G || revolushun @ @ | | -|28| M || @ @ @ more rain | | -|29| T || now insert @ @ | The cheapest and best way to | -|30| W || @ onion seed -@- | convince a phool, is to agree | -|31| T || | with him. | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ - - -_SHORT REPLYS._ - -_Dear Luke._--I kant bear to see enny man strike a dog, i kno dogs are -full ov fleas, but i kno they are full ov affeckshun too. I am very sad -when i think that affeckshun iz no protekshun to man, nor kritter in -this kold, and ironklad world. It would seem that a lamb ought to git -along thru life more fluently than a hornet duz, but they duzzent, and i -also notiss that the most suckcessful hornets are thoze who are bilt -with a stinger on both ends ov them. I love the lambs, but respekt the -hornets. - - * * * * * - -_Dear Mose._--All the humorist that i am acquainted with are sad, and -sober kusses. I never knu a fust rate humorist who waz a good laffer, -they are willing to make other people laff, but prefer themselfs to -stand by and look on. If Mark Twain should be kaught laffing, hiz -friends would immejately put him to bed and send for hiz family -physician. Nasby, the grate politikal satirist, waz never known to smile -but once, and then he, and Pogram, were in the bak end ov the grosery at -the crossroads, but the cauze ov hiz mirth iz a profound sekret to this -day. The best laffers i hav ever knu, whare thoze who lafft at their own -jokes. - - -_SPLINTERS._ - -If yu are determined to bet enny how, bet yure bottom dollar the fust -time, and then go into sum more respektable bizzness. - - * * * * * - -Thare are no weeds in this world that wilt so quick, az the weeds ov the -widower. - - - - -30 Days. JUNE. 1877. - -Q.--What iz yure favourite name for a Boy? @ @ @ - -A.--George Washington, Lafayette, Napoleon, Ulyssess Grant. @ - - [Illustration] - - _The poodle iz a frowzy bird, - A hiding place for fleas, and varmin, - Wimmin lug them round for pets. - And call them_ "luv," _and_ "duv," _and_ "charming." - -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -|@ | @ || _Items._ | _POSTSKRIPTS._ | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -| 1| F || @ Luvly moments | The man who iz eazily influenced | -| 2| S || @ wind bammy @ | and yet wont be advised, | -| 3| G || june bugs are @ @ | iz a dredphull hard kritter | -| 4| M || @ here @ very wet | to steer. | -| 5| T || Patience Burbanks | | -| 6| W || @ @ run @ away @ | | -| 7| T || 1840 @ sun hot | * * * * * | -| 8| F || @ @ Patience fled | | -| 9| S ||with @ a @ pedlar @ | | -|10| G || @ @ hot showers | Necessity iz the very best gift | -|11| M ||@ the @ violet @ haz | ov heaven, without it poor human | -|12| T || @ cum @ @ gentle | natur would only be a herd ov | -|13| W ||softness @ prevails | loafers. | -|14| T || @ now @ jerk @ | | -|15| F ||@: lettiss @ sum :@ | | -|16| S || | * * * * * | -|17| G || wet @ @ now pik | | -|18| M || the goose @ more @ | | -|19| T ||@ softness @ @ fleas | What a man gits for nothing, | -|20| W || diskovered 1309 @ | he iz very apt to value at just | -|21| T || hotness exists @ @ | about what it kost. | -|22| F || expekt pak pedlars | | -|23| S || @ @ wind rizes @ | | -|24| G || @ @ Sam Brewster | * * * * * | -|25| M ||elekted constable @ | | -|26| T || @ 1865 @ sighns ov | | -|27| W || drougth @ be kind | Opportunitys are like birds, | -|28| T || @ @ to your mother | they will slip out ov yure hands | -|29| F ||in law @ @ very hot | if yu giv them haff a chance. | -|30| S || -now-stik-in-beans | | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ - - -_THE SPIDER._ - -One ov the most ingenious, and hardest workers amung the whole lot ov -little bugs in kreashun iz the common spider. They will do more work on -a web, in six hours, than a man could do in his whole life time, and do -a mutch better job into the bargin. Spiders are the meanest reptiles -that hang around the footstool, for they are the only ones that i kan -think ov now, that set traps for their viktims. They are az mean az a -man in this respekt. Thare iz no fun in a spider, he iz az lonesum az a -mizer, he spends hiz whole life making webs, and watching them, and -allways lays at the mouth ov hiz hole, reddy to back in out ov danger. A -man will go out ov hiz way rather than step on a kricket, and would -rather skare a fly than kill him, az sazzy az he iz, but he goes for a -spider with both feet, and seems to feel melankolly if he happens to -miss him. Spiders hav no friends in this world, and the reazon must be -bekauze their naturs are viscious, and cunning. Theze two traits will -make even man an outlaw, and they akt just the same way on the spider. I -dispize the spider, and aint afraid to tell him so. - - -_DREGS._ - -Every man thinks he iz the principal bull frog in the puddle, and rather -than argy the case, i am willing to think so too. - - * * * * * - -Mizery luvs company but iz allwuss jealous,--there never waz a man yet -but what thought hiz lame back was a good deal lamer than hiz nabors. - - - - -31 Days. JULY. 1877. - -Q.--What iz a mint julep? @ @ @ - -A.--A refuge for cheap whiskey. @ @ @ - - [Illustration] - - _Full of cunning, and low deceit, - With stolen cream, and chickens fat, - Sweetly in dreams he lays at yure feet, - Judas Iskariott, in shape ov a kat._ - -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -|@ | @ || _Items._ | _VAPOR._ | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -| 1| G || @ Warm hotness | The man who gits hiz edukashun | -| 2| M || @ now the frog @ | from the daily papers, | -| 3| T || sweats (@) thunder | if he happens to miss one, haz | -| 4| W || @ @ and litening | lost all he iz a going to kno for | -| 5| T || @ Amos Jones @ @ | the next 24 hours. | -| 6| F || @ sloped @ 1839 | | -| 7| S || south wind @ @ | | -| 8| G ||Amos waz a wood-sawyer | * * * * * | -| 9| M || @ more hot | | -|10| T || @ @ now borrow | | -|11| W || @ umbrellers @ @ | The hardest man to convince | -|12| T || thunder @ showers | in an argument iz the one who | -|13| F || let us hav @ @ | alwuss sez "_yes_" to everything | -|14| S || peace @ inkreasing | yu say. | -|15| G || hotness @ now pik | | -|16| M || @ @ green corn @ | | -|17| T || Wind southly @ @ | * * * * * | -|18| W || @ @ virtew iz its | | -|19| T || @ own reward @ very | | -|20| F || dusty @ now inhale | I would rather a boy ov mine | -|21| S || juleps @ @ hot grows | would be haff full ov deviltry, | -|22| G || Mary Walker @ @ | than chuck full gravity,--but i | -|23| M || @ born (!) 1840 | haint got enny boy yu know. | -|24| T || kloudy @ Mary had | | -|25| W || @ a little @ lam | | -|26| T || cooler @ Job waz | * * * * * | -|27| F || @ @ a pashunt @ | | -|28| S || fellow @ very hot | | -|29| G || @ @ now chew @ | The road to ruin iz down hill, | -|30| M || ice @ @ go slow | and McAdamized at that. | -|31| T || | | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ - - -_THE MILKSOP._ - -The milksop iz a human being who has not the stamina ov a man, nor the -weakness ov a woman. He iz a hibrid ov the nuter gender, without -karakter enuff to make him respekted, or dispized. These kind ov pholks -are innosent enuff if they are well watched, but they need az mutch -watching az a blind baby duz. They occupy quarters about haff way -between a phool, and an ideot. If milksops would only keep still but few -would suspekt them, but how strange it iz, that the thinner a man iz, -the more anxious he iz to get into a strong light. - - -_THE MIZER._ - -The mizer digs hiz heart out hollow to stow away hiz munny in. He -akumulates bi littles, and never opens hiz harte, only on a krak, to let -another shilling in. An old mizer iz a sad sight enuff, but next to an -ideot, a yung mizer iz the most revolting thing on earth. Mizers enjoy -what they dont use, looze what they save, and die possessed ov the only -treasure that iz ov no use to them. The most terrible sarkasm iz a -mizers phuneral, the heir often makes it gorgeous, and expensiv, and -then pitches hedlong into the pile the old phool haz left. - - -_CHALK MARKS._ - -Advice iz generally like the bred and cheese we giv to beggars, thrown -over into the fust vacant lot they cum to. - - * * * * * - -Bigots, enthusiasts, and clothes pins, all hav the same sized heds on -them. - - - - -31 Days. AUGUST. 1877. - -Q.--Pleze to define buty? @ @ @ - -A.--Buty iz a blank catridge. @ @ @ - - [Illustration] - - _Short haired, and nervous az a ghost, - Answering to_"Bill," _or_ "Ned" _or_ "Fan," - _Death on rats, and sirloin steak, - Behold the sparkling, Black and Tan._ - -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -|@ | @ || _Items._ | _COQUETS._ | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -| 1| W || Fiery hot @ now | I hav seen men load a gun | -| 2| T || @ the kow pants | klean up to the muzzle to kill | -| 3| F || @ thunder with @ | a chipping bird with, a git | -| 4| S || litening @ Bill @ | knokt hed over heels when the | -| 5| G || @ @ Sprauge died | gun went off, and miss the bird | -| 6| M || 1500 @ more hot ! | besides. | -| 7| T || Bill Sprauge waz @ | | -| 8| W ||@ a fiddler @ hotter | | -| 9| T ||Bill fiddled @ with ! | * * * * * | -|10| F || @ hiz left hand @ | | -|11| S || heavy rain @ @ | The man who livs the live | -|12| G || @ sun in apogee @ | ov a toadey iz a kind ov human | -|13| M || more cool @ now @ | spit box. | -|14| T || @ keep cool @ hot | | -|15| W || the grasshopper @ | | -|16| T || @ @ iz a burden | * * * * * | -|17| F || @ more hot @ @ | | -|18| S || Moses waz a @ @ | Yu will find plenty ov folks | -|19| G || @ meek man @ hot | who are red hott to hunt tigers | -|20| M || wetness @ the @ | and wild kats, only muzzle the | -|21| T || rackcoon iz @ @ | kussid kritters, and put them 10 | -|22| W || @ a kuss @ Sarah | or fifteen miles off. | -|23| T || @ @ Pettibone born | | -|24| F || @ 1846 @ red hot @ | * * * * * | -|25| S || Sarah waz kross @ | | -|26| G || eyed @ @ still @ | The man who haz got nothing | -|27| M || @ hotter @ @ in the | but the truth to tell allwuss uses | -|28| T || @ @ midst ov @ | the fust words he kan lay hiz | -|29| W || * life * we * are * | hands on. | -|30| T || @ in death @ @ | | -|31| F || | | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ - - -_LAZYNESS._ - -Lazyness seems to be az natral az onions, and just about az helthy too. -The lame, and the lazy, hav allwuss been provided for, sumboddy haz -allwuss waited on them, and sumboddy allwuss will. I dont luv lazy -pholks, i dont even respekt them, but i kant help but admire the way -they eat. I never knu a lazy man that didn't hav a good appetight and a -square digestion. Lazyness iz the fust law ov natur, and for that reazon -is entitled to sum respekt. Lazy folks are allwuss good natured, i hav -seen them so docile that they wouldn't fite flies. Lazyness iz often -mistaken for shifflessness, but thare iz az much diffrence az thare iz -between a hornet, and a fly. I had rather watch two raskalls than one -shiftless kuss. Thare are sum things that will hurry lazyness, but death -is the only sure kure for shifflessnes. - - -_LAFFTER._ - -Laffter iz the joy ov the soul comeing to the surface to hav a good -time. The mule kant laff, and the devil wont. Laffing iz az natral az -the meazles, and allmost as ketching, but the man who will laff when he -dont feel like it, iz a grate koward to say the least, and may be a -grate villain. Next to logick, to prove things, cums laffing, and the -hardest man for ennyboddy, or enny thing, to beat, iz he who laffs at -every thing. - - -_GIMBLETS._ - -I hav figgered onto it, and find that civilizashun kosts about 90 cents -on the dollar. - - * * * * * - -One quarrellsum dog will demoralize all the curs in hiz naborhood. - - - - -30 Days. SEPTEMBER. 1877. - -Q.--Who iz the best lawyer? @ @ @ - -A.--He who duz the least bizzness. @ @ @ - - [Illustration] - - _What he kant steal must be tied down, - Ever reddy to caw, and to go, - Thare's nothing so full ov the devil, - Az the life, and labors, ov a tame krow._ - -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -|@ | @ || _Items._ | _MISFITS._ | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -| 1| S || @ Delitesum @ | | -| 2| G ||@ weather @ rain | Thare are two kinds of men | -| 3| M ||listen to the @ @ | that fear makes phools ov, them | -| 4| T ||@ mocking bird @ | who are afrade of nothing, and | -| 5| W ||@ @ Pete Brown | them who are afrade of everything. | -| 6| T ||@ waz diskovered @ | | -| 7| F ||1856 @ Windy @ Pete | * * * * * | -| 8| S ||waz diskovered @ | | -| 9| G ||@ stealing chickens | | -|10| M ||@ more weather @ | I would respekfully say to all | -|11| T ||now brile quails @ | that klass, "_who want to be an | -|12| W ||@ @ wind easterly | angell, and with the angels | -|13| T ||@ hope deferred @ | dwell_," pleaze drop that noshun, | -|14| F ||maketh @ the @ harte | and go at sumthing usefull, if the | -|15| S ||@ sik @ more softness | Lord wants enny more angels, | -|16| G ||@ @ Lucy Smith @ | he will let yu kno in due time. | -|17| M || married 1800 @ | | -|18| T ||@ @ it rains @ @ | * * * * * | -|19| W ||@ @ Lucy married | | -|20| T ||well @ now @ | | -|21| F ||@ bile @ beans @ | Civil war iz like a fite in the | -|22| S || | family, it seldum, if ever, waz | -|23| G ||@ @ @ more mild | known to be healed. | -|24| M ||@ strike while @ @ | | -|25| T ||@ - the iron - @ | * * * * * | -|26| W ||iz hot. @ @ cool | | -|27| T || but @ pleasant | | -|28| F ||10 mills make @ @ | If thare iz no hereafter, kats | -|29| S ||one cent @ very | and dogs are better off than we | -|30| G ||@ slick @ weather | are. | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ - - -_THE DUK._ - - -The duk iz a foul, naturalists say so, and common sense teaches it. Wild -duks are very good shooting, and very good missing too, unless you -understand the bizzness. I hav shot at them all day, and got nothing but -a few tale feathers, but that satisfied me, for i am crazy for all kinds -ov sport, you know. Thare are sum kind ov duks that are very hard to git -even if you do kill them. I shot one whole afternoon, three years ago, -at sum dekoy duks, and never got one ov them. I never hav told even mi -wife ov this, and hope no one will repeat it. - - -_THE SANDY HILL CRANE._ - -The crane iz neither flesh, nor foul, but a sad mixtur ov theze two -things. He mopes along the banks ov kreeks, and wet places, looking for -sumthing he haz lost. He haz a long bill, long wings, long legs, and iz -long all over. He livs upon lizzards, and frogs, and sleeps standing on -one leg, like a gide board. Sumtimes he tips over in hiz dreams, and -then hiz bill enters the ground like a pikax. When he flies thru the air -he iz az gracephull az a wind mill that haz broke away from its -fastenings. Cranes are not very plenty on this earth, but at the last -quotations, the supply just about equals the demand. - - -_BLOSSOMS._ - -The reputashun that a man gits from hiz ansesstors often wants az mutch -altering to fit him, az their old clothes would. - - * * * * * - -How menny people thare are in this world who work for the devil all the -time, and then look to the lord for their pay. - - - [Illustration] - - I dont never expekt to hav enny Poodle, but if i ever do, he must make - up hiz mind to be tied onto a long stik every Saturday and be used for - washing windows on the outside= - - Jess so. Josh Billings. - - - [Illustration] - - If i kan hav all the salt makrell i want for brekfasst, I kan manage - to make the other two meals out ov kold water.= - - Yes. Josh Billings. - - - - -31 Days. OCTOBER. 1877. - -Q.--Will yu define luck? @ @ @ - -A.--Luck iz driftwood. @ @ @ - - [Illustration] - - _This Nu Foundland weighs 94 pounds, - And to save children iz willing, - If yu haint no pond, nor children to save, - The dog aint worth a shilling._ - -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -|@ | @ || _Items._ | _IMPS._ | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -| 1| M || Bracing weather @ | | -| 2| T || now squeeze @ @ | I never knu a man to brag ov | -| 3| W || @ @ apples for | hiz munny, or hiz pedigree, who | -| 4| T || sider @ more cool | had enny thing else worth bragging | -| 5| F || @ @ Sam Lewis @ | about. | -| 6| S || @ died @ 1492 @ | | -| 7| G || frost @ @ Sam @ | | -| 8| M || * waz * a * hard * | * * * * * | -| 9| T || @ shell @ Babtiss | | -|10| W || mutch frost @ @ | | -|11| T || ß now exkavate | The meekest Moses in the | -|12| F || -p-o-t-a-t-o-s-e- | whole lot iz the man who haz | -|13| S || | found out that he kant git the | -|14| G || @ @ kold grows | thing he wants the most. | -|15| M || @ Solaman @ @ | | -|16| T || @ had @ mutch @ | | -|17| W || @ wives @ @ it | * * * * * | -|18| T || hails @ @ haste | | -|19| F || makes waste @ ~ | | -|20| S || -- @ snow falls @ -- | Thare are but very few people | -|21| G || @ now @ chew @ | in this world who hav got the | -|22| M || sassage @ more | nerve to be allways sassy to the | -|23| T || @ @ cool @ Kate | devil. | -|24| W || @ Savage died @ | | -|25| T || 1749 @ mutch @ | | -|26| F || @ frosty @ Kate | * * * * * | -|27| S || @ @ had a pug @ | | -|28| G || nose @ @ now @ | | -|29| M || @ @ lift turnips | Before a vice ov enny kind | -|30| T || @ kolder @ @ | kan bekum very dangerous it | -|31| W || @ @ go slo @ | haz got to bekum respektable. | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ - - -_AN EPISTOL._ - -_Dear Snyder._--Yu tell me that yu hav got the blues, and want to kno -how to git shut of them. The following resipees will heal yu in 90 days -if yu stik to them klussly. To wit, marry sum delikate only dauter of 22 -summers (more or less) and take yure mother in law home with yu to -board, this will oil the pores of the sistem, and the blues will eskape -like steam out of the noze of a tea kittle. Once more, hire out to keep -a distrikt skool for 9 dollars per month, and hash around the naborhood, -or take a 3 year old kiking heifer to brake to milk, this will open yure -swareing valves, and so hurry the blood, that the blues will leave yu in -disgust, and fasten their fangs on to sum other phellow. Againly, go -down into sum marsh in the kingdum ov Nu Jersey fishing for frogs in the -month ov August, and fish with one hand, and slap muskeeters with the -other, and the blues will take the hint and vacate yure natur like a -shooting-star. Try either ov the abuv alteratives, dear Snyder, and if -they dont work, go into the bak yard of sum Irish woman and kut her -clothes line when it iz filled with the weeks washing, and if yu dont -git the blues taken out ov yu, and a good deal else besides, yu are a -morbid kuss and wont pay for experimenting on. - - -_BUBBLES._ - -Hero's are skarse, but the man who kan make poverty respektable, is one -ov them. - - * * * * * - -If yu would eskape envy, abuse, and taxes, yu must liv in a deep well, -and only cum out in the nite time. - - - - -30 Days. NOVEMBER. 1877. - -Q.--Who iz the dearest old aunt? @ @ @ - -A.--The one whoze bank account iz all right. @ @ - - [Illustration] - - _The Rackcoon haz a striped tail, - And steals green korn amazing, - Hiz hide iz worth 6 bits perhaps, - But coons wont pay for raizing._ - -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -|@ | @ || _Items._ | _MAKE WEIGHTS._ | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -| 1| T || @ Sloppy times @ | | -| 2| F || now the pig @ @ | Mankind are a race ov coquets, | -| 3| S || @ yells @ more | even virtew herself luvs | -| 4| G || @ kold :|: Warren @ | once in a while to flirt with the | -| 5| M || Davis failed @ @ | devil. | -| 6| T || @ mutch weather | | -| 7| W || @ @ Warren @ @ | * * * * * | -| 8| T || Davis @ failed @ | | -| 9| F || @ @ in the pea | | -|10| S || @ nutt trade @ | Luvers will manage to liv on | -|11| G || wet sloppines @ | luv for a very long time, with an | -|12| M || @ @ Judas waz a | ockashional chance at beefstake | -|13| T || | and onions. | -|14| W || @ @ ded beat @ @ | | -|15| T || !i¡n¡k¡r¡e¡a¡s¡i¡n¡g! | * * * * * | -|16| F || @ weather @ expekt | | -|17| S || @ pak pedlars @ | | -|18| G || @ more @ kold @ | Biographys are delitesum reading, | -|19| M || a stich in @ @ | we kompare all the virtews | -|20| T || @ @ time saves @ | ov the persons karakter with our | -|21| W || @ nine @ snow | own, and all hiz failings with our | -|22| T || @ storm ~ Mag @ | nabors. | -|23| F || Birch * died * 1826 | | -|24| S || @ @ hi winds | * * * * * | -|25| G || Mag want @ @ | | -|26| M || @ @ a suckcess @ | | -|27| T || @ sour ß kold @ | I know numbers who owe | -|28| W || Ben Franklin @ @ | mutch ov their virtew to their | -|29| T || @ flu a @ | ekonemy, they are too stingy to | -|30| F || @ kite @ @ @ | pay the market price ov iniquity. | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ - - -_THE OWL._ - -The owl iz a grizzly grey package, and haz a grate round face az sober, -and intelligent az a cheshire cheese. They kant see bi dalite, but can -see by starlite to pik up a pin. They hunt for a living, and are very -smart, and sudden, on a field mouse, or a meddo mole. The most -wonderphull thing about an owl iz the sollum importanse ov the whole -kritter, az he sits on hiz perch, looking over kreashun, just az tho he -owned the whole ov it. Next to a newly elekted Justiss ov the Peace, -seated on hiz throne, with a poor devil before him charged with the -emoshional krime ov stealing a string ov onions, the owl haz more rare, -and unfathomable wisdum in hiz face than enny thing on earth. I hav -looked at them for haff an hour stiddy, in a shop window, to see if they -winkt, untill i waz ashamed ov mi impudense, but theze owls, i found out -afterwards, waz stuffed. I would thank enny one to tell me if an owl -ever duz wink, and if so, how often. Owls liv to a good old age, but are -not good for diet, they are one ov the fu things we kno ov, that the -more yu bile them, the tuffer they gro. Biled owl iz the most -ungratefull vittles that enny man ever sot in front ov. I never et enny -biled owl but once, and that waz 40 years ago, and i kan taste it now, -every time i think ov it. - - -_REMNANTS._ - -I kno ov people so fond ov contradickshun that it wouldn't surprize me -to hear them disputing with a guide board, at the forks ov sum kuntry -road, about the distance to the next town. - - * * * * * - -Falling in luv iz like falling down stairs, we never kan tell exackly -how the thing waz did. - - - - -31 Days. DECEMBER. 1877. - -Q.--Who iz the biggest hipokrit? @ @ @ - -A.--He who calls vice plezzure. @ @ @ - -[Illustration] - -_Az lean in flesh az a grid iron, - Sollum he sits, the old Fox hound, -Hiz ears hang down like wet rags, - And hiz keen noze studdys the ground._ - -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -|@ | @ || _Items._ | _FROST WORK._ | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -| 1| S || Raw @ kold @ | | -| 2| G || @ now jam fires | It ought to be a fair trade to | -| 3| M || more @ rawy @ | swop religions, but whare will | -| 4| T || Peter denied hiz | yu find the christian party that | -| 5| W || @ master @ kold | iz willing to do it. | -| 6| T || @ grows @ Dick @ | | -| 7| F || @ @ Blister died | | -| 8| S || @ 1839 @ more @ | * * * * * | -| 9| G || inklement @ Dick | | -|10| M || @ Blister * waz * a | | -|11| T || @ konfidence man | I find it iz a grate deal eazier | -|12| W || | for mi philosophy to ackount | -|13| T || @ dredphul koldy @ | for original sin, than for an | -|14| F || @ now dig @ | attack ov the jumping tooth ake. | -|15| S || ice @ it snows ß | | -|16| G || @ @ munny @ @ | | -|17| M || iz power @ wind | * * * * * | -|18| T || @ @ @ nor east | | -|19| W || Jackson waz a Ψ @ | | -|20| T || @ dimokrat @ big | Temptashuns iz what tries a | -|21| F || @ snow ** in time | mans moral grip, Adam and | -|22| S || @ @ ov peace ~ | Eve were very good plums untill | -|23| || prepare @ for @ | the devil shook their bush, then | -|24| M || @ @ war @ @ | they let go their holt immijiately. | -|25| T || @ intense @ kold | | -|26| W || @ Molly Bristow @ | | -|27| T || born @ 1840 @ | * * * * * | -|28| F || @ kolder @ Molly | | -|29| S || @ waz * a * shop @ | | -|30| G || @ lifter @ Good @ | Marrid life iz too often a mere | -|31| M || @: Bye everyboddy | trial ov enduranse. | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ - - -_TRIALS AND PERSEKUSHUNS OV AN AUTHOR._ - -Josh Billings' "_Farmer's Allminax_" for the year 1878 is now on our -desk, and why will the friends of this man allow him to disgrace -himself, and humanity too, by spreading such nonsense broadcast through -the land? - -_St. Louis Advance._ - - * * * * * - -Vile trash! when are we to be released from this annual overflow, this -ideotick Allminac? Kind heaven, tell us when. - -_Milwaukee Daily Bread._ - - * * * * * - -Over Ninety Thousand of Josh Billings' "_Farmer's Allminax_" are sold -each year. How long iz this to continue? Will not the publick arise in -their insulted dignity, and drive this pest from the world? - -_Boston Pilgrim._ - - * * * * * - -Shoot him! shoot the "_Allminax_" maker. - -_Arkansas Bowie Knife._ - - * * * * * - -Alass! alass! is there no eskape, is thare no place in the wide world -that we can fly to, and be free from this sickening visit--this yearly -avalanche? A curse on "Josh Billings' Farmer's Allminax." - -_Chicago Budget._ - - - - -31 Days. JANUARY. 1878. - - [Illustration] - - _The yung Trotter at first, - Az he stands bi hiz dam, - Is all legs like a shanghi, - And az meek az a lam._ - -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -|@ | @ || _Brevitys._ | _BRILLIANTS._ | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -| 1| T || @ Now prospekt | | -| 2| W || for @ ice @ | I allwuss think that it iz good | -| 3| T || sighns ov kold @ | taste, and pretty good religion | -| 4| F || @ the bumble bee | too, when a man prays for the | -| 5| S || iz still [?] very @ | sins ov the people, to count | -| 6| G || Kold @ Pete Hyer | himself in. | -| 7| M || Ω perished 1814 @ | | -| 8| T || @ more @ kolder | | -| 9| W || \ Pet @ choked / | * * * * * | -|10| T || @ to deth < big | | -|11| F || -: snouness :- | | -|12| S || Pete Hyer @ waz ¶ | Wimmin dont like to be loved | -|13| G || @ hung @ fine @ | too mutch, and i rejoice in their | -|14| M || @ sleighing @ raw | spunk. | -|15| T || | | -|16| W || but Ω kold @ now | | -|17| T || @ puntch @ fires | * * * * * | -|18| F || < more @ snow > | | -|19| S || hooping @ @ cough | | -|20| G || invented ! = ? 1206 | Heathens, poor benighted kritters, | -|21| M || more @ rauness | dont indulge in horse trotts, | -|22| T || now () pay (!) yure | nor law suits neither. | -|23| W || @tax@ snow 4 @ | | -|24| T || feet deep @ Jane ~ | | -|25| F || -: Barker Ψ fell :- | * * * * * | -|26| S || 1832 (@) more @ | | -|27| G || @ kolder Jane @ | | -|28| M || @ Barker @ fell @ | If you hav enny doubt about | -|29| T || @ down cellar (!) | the propriety ov a thing, you | -|30| W || @ now ¶ krak @ | may be pretty certain that the | -|31| T || > buttnutts. < | doubt iz right. | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ - - -_THE CUCKOO, AND THE JACKDAW._ - -The cuckoo iz about the size ov four small robins, and iz one ov the -fust birds to tell us that spring haz fairly cum. This iz kind in the -cuckoo, and they ought to hav a vote ov thanks, and a gold medal -besides. Their song iz a good deal like the song ov a tin whissell, all -in one key, but enny kind ov a song, from enny living kreature, iz -acceptable. These birds hav one spot in their naturs entirely diffrent -from enny animate thing I kno ov, they dont seem to possess the least -particle ov affeckshun for their little cuckoos. They never bild enny -nests, but lay their eggs in other birds nests, and let them do the -hatching. This would be called smart in a man, but seems to me, iz darn -mean in a bird. I wonder whare they lernt this trick. - - -_THE JACKDAW._ - -The jackdaw, like the raven, iz born ov blak parents, and iz about one -quarter the size ov the common krow. Their food seems to konsist ov enny -thing, and their appetights are az klamarous az a distrikt skool just -let out to play, at lunch time. They lay two eggs, and both eggs would -probberly hatch out if they waz solid, for the Jackdaw iz bound to liv, -and prosper. They luv man, and his ways, and are allwuss found az kluss -to him az they kan git. - - -_CHIPS._ - -The best relief for the rumatiz, that haz been diskovered yet, iz to -find sum phellow who haz got the gout bad, and then pitty him. - - * * * * * - -About the time a man haz got old enuff to travel a good gait on hiz -experience, death taps him on the shoulder, and wants him just around -the corner. - - - - -28 Days. FEBRUARY. 1878. - - [Illustration] - - _But he grows like a weed, - 'Till he iz four years old, - He iz hi headed, and rangey, - Flat-footed, and bold._ - -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -|@ | @ || _Brevitys._ | _BAUBLES._ | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -| 1| F || @ Kold @ more | | -| 2| S ||so @ now thrash @ |About the hardest condishun | -| 3| G ||beans @ very @ |ov life to sustain, iz one ov | -| 4| M ||kolder > Betsey -: |respektable poverty. | -| 5| T ||Mitchell @ born @ | | -| 6| W ||1842 @ kold @ | * * * * * | -| 7| T ||continues @ @ Betsey | | -| 8| F ||Mitchell -: had @ | | -| 9| S ||a @ cork leg < |Thare are folks who kant bear | -|10| G ||@ kolder @ still ¶ |to do enny thing unless thare iz a | -|11| M ||@ now smite @ |commishun in it, if they subskribe | -|12| T ||wood @ wind west § |a thousand dollars for bilding a | -|13| W ||Hank Brewster @ |church, they want 10 per cent off | -|14| T ||died 1796 @ snow |for cash. | -|15| F ||@ falls @ Hank @ | | -|16| S ||Brewster § died a @ | * * * * * | -|17| G || | | -|18| M ||@ lazyness @ kold @ | | -|19| T ||waxes § now the @ |The man who kant find enny | -|20| W ||hornet is hush § sum |thing to do, gennerally hunts with | -|21| T ||more snow * whiske |grate caushun. | -|22| F ||iz a tonick = very ¶ | | -|23| S ||kold @ now pla kards | * * * * * | -|24| G ||it thaws @ Lazarus | | -|25| M ||died poor @ sighns | | -|26| T ||ov snow @ now @ |Buty has won menny a viktory | -|27| W ||renew notes @ more |but seldum has suckceeded in | -|28| T ||snow @ keep calm. |keeping it long. | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ - - -_K._ - -_Kontentment_ iz not one ov mi strong holts, i never am kontented unless -i am fast asleep. If i could hav mi choice, to be thoroly kontented with -things az i find them in this world, or be a Rockaway klam, i would be -the klam. - - -_L._ - -_Luv_ iz a game for young folks to pla at, but when a man gits az old, -and az homely az i am, and takes a hand at it, he iz sure to git ukered. -If ten waz the game, Cupid could giv an old phellow seven points, and -then beat him badly. - - -_M._ - -_Milk Puntch_ iz a fluid that i do luv extrornary well, and aint ashamed -to oun it. But whether it iz the milk in it, or the puntch in it, that -suits me so well, i aint obliged to tell. Human natur iz weak yu kno, -and needs a little puntching up, in a hot day. - - -_N._ - -_Nonsense_ iz one ov mi prinsipal weaknesses, i luv it in any shape, but -az quails on toast improve the quails, and dont hurt the toast, so i -prefer to hav mi nonsense bilt on sense. Good nonsense iz one ov the -rarest artikles in the literary bazaar, and allwuss commands admirashun, -and fetches a good price. - - -_SQUIBS._ - -Human beings are natral slovens, yu hav got to hold a yung one tight to -wash hiz face the fust time, and to comb hiz hair, yu hav acktually got -to run him down. - - * * * * * - -The man who haint never bin cheated, dont kno so mutch az he will sum -day before long perhaps. - - - - -31 Days. MARCH. 1878. - - [Illustration] - - _Then he iz harnesst, and broke, - A hard task indeed, - And, handled quite gently, - To draw out his speed._ - -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -|@ | @ || _Brevitys._ | _BAGATELLES._ | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -| 1| F || @ Windy :- now |An illustrious pedigree iz a | -| 2| S || hunt for @ maple |risky possesshun, the world wont | -| 3| G ||sugar @ :- mutch @ |kompare you with yure peers, nor | -| 4| M || @ wind @ Jabez x |with yureself, but are all the time | -| 5| T || Brown @ run @ |striking a ballance between you, | -| 6| W || away @ 1840:- it |and yure ded grandfather | -| 7| T ||@ rains -: Jabez @ | | -| 8| F || @ run @ away | * * * * * | -| 9| S || with (@) Suzan @ | | -|10| G || @ Fletcter + now |A _ded beat_ iz a natural born | -|11| M || > the frog @ |hipokrit, he haz kapasity enuff to | -|12| T || @ ! yells ! @ |make him respektable, but the | -|13| W || @ windy @ some @ |devil holds a fust mortgage on | -|14| T || haste @ makes @ |it. | -|15| F ||@ waste ( ! ) rain | | -|16| S || @ and @ wind | * * * * * | -|17| G || @ now = fri @ | | -|18| M || nutcakes @ sum * |A careless man in a family iz | -|19| T || @ more @ wind = |simply a noosance, but a sluttish | -|20| W ||† Joel † Sprauge † |woman iz wuss than a blister. | -|21| T || @ marrid 1400 > | | -|22| F || wind @ nor west @ | * * * * * | -|23| S || now @ murder @ | | -|24| G || @ kats @ more |I hav finally got to that | -|25| M || :: wind @ buty |point whare I aint very posative | -|26| T || @ for @ ashes < |ov what other people kno, and | -|27| W ||+ wind * howleth :: |aint at all certain ov what I kno | -|28| T || @ sow @ peas @ |miself. | -|29| F || @ more @ wind @ | | -|30| S || > go @ slow @ | | -|31| G || | | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ - - -_THE CENTAUR._ - -The centaur iz not an Amerikan, but blooms in the land far away to the -eastward, whare the muskeeto iz unknown, and whare the pensiv kokroach -putteth in no appearance. He is haff horse, and haff sum other phellow, -and hunts for fun, and sumthing to eat. He haz got a hed on him like -Demostheneze ov old, and wears hiz hair short in front, but flooded down -on hiz nek, and over hiz shoulders, like a growth ov yung hop vines, in -a hot house. Hiz instrument iz a bo, and arro, and he kan assassinate -the stupendous elephant 440 yards distant, or pik a single feather off -from the top ov a humming birds hed on the fly The centaur allwuss hunts -on horsebak, and leads a free and cheap life. When in the ackt ov -shooting the vast elephant, or the remorseless tiger, hiz hed iz thrown -finely bak, hiz eye gleams like a lost jewell, hiz hair quivers like an -aspen leaf, courage smiles in hiz face, hiz breast grows wider, and the -muscles in hiz arm hang down like hornets' nests, hiz tale whips the -air, and hiz hooffs ov steel ring on the turf. I hav et plain hash -untill i am tired ov it, and would like no better phun than to mount a -centaur, without enny bridle on him, and with a mermaid in front ov me, -and a ghost behind, take a free, and rekless ride, a ride ov genius, to -the ends ov the earth. But I suppoze I should git sik ov this, in a day, -or two, and want to ride sumthing else. - - -_IMPS._ - -Poverty haz been called safe, but poverty even, haz got to lock up its -mouldy bread, and cheeze, or loze it. - - * * * * * - -Honesty iz the rarerest welth enny one kan possess, and yet all the -honesty in the world, aint lawful tender for a loaf ov bread. - - - - -30 Days. APRIL. 1878. - -_When he reaches six years, - He iz called a full horse, -And iz thought fit to trot, - For a puss on the course._ - -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -|@ | @ || _Brevitys._ | _REVOLVERS._ | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -| 1| M || @ Soft weather |He who haz nothing to do in | -| 2| T || the dandylion @ |this world but to amuze himself, | -| 3| W || cometh @ warm |haz got the hardest job on hand I | -| 4| T || rain :: now the @ |kno ov. | -| 5| F || robin = skreameth | | -| 6| S || @sum@ more @ | * * * * * | -| 7| G || softness @ Bill | | -| 8| M || Baxter @ sprained |Thare iz nothing that yu and I, | -| 9| T || @ hiz = ankle :: |make so menny blunders about, | -|10| W || 1836= it rains @ |and the world so few, az the | -|11| T || @ Venuss waz @ |aktual amount ov our importance. | -|12| F || @ the @ goddess @ | | -|13| S || ov buty @ bright < | * * * * * | -|14| G || day @ @ now chuck | | -|15| M || @ in @ onion @ |The fust thing a man duz in | -|16| T || seed @ @ mild @ |the morning, iz to feel for hiz | -|17| W || @ and @ pretty @ |pocket-book, and the fust thing | -|18| T || @ Ben Franklin :: |a woman duz, iz to see if the | -|19| F || = iz ded :: mutch |looking glass iz all right. | -|20| S || rain = @ now = | | -|21| G || @ fish @ for @ | * * * * * | -|22| M || suckers = wind | | -|23| T || @ southy @ by @ |He who works for notoriety | -|24| W || @ south < Bacchus |had rather be insulted, than not | -|25| T || waz a winebibber @ |be notissed at all. | -|26| F || @ soft @ rain @ | | -|27| S || @ Sam @ Perkins> | | -|28| G || :-died 1813 @ hot | | -|29| M ||the violet iz here!! | | -|30| T || | | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ - - -_THE AUCKSHIONEER._ - -The auckshioneer iz an unfortunate individual who duz other peoples -lieing for 10 dollars a day, and boards himself. He haz got az mutch jaw -az a wolf trap, and as mutch cheeck az a 10 year old mule. He takes up -the profeshun quite often on the same principle that a horse doktor duz -hiz, not bekause he iz fit for the bizzness, but just to hav one in the -naborhood. His gratest pride iz to mingle what he calls humor with hiz -talk when he iz on the block, but hiz jokes are gennerally az level az a -kold slapjax. He iz at the hight ov hiz ambishun when he haz worried a -laff out ov the bistanders, and uses the same rhetorick, and similees, -when he sells out a line ov bank securitys, that he duz, when he closes -out an old one-eyed pelter, under a chattell mortgage, in frunt ov the -kourt house. A kuntry auckshioneer, and a kuntry horse jockey, are two -wonderphull cusses, in the rural deestrikts. I hav been an auckshioneer -and kno what i am talking about. - - -_THE OLD MAID._ - -The old maid iz the last gooseberry left on the bush, ded ripe, and -reddy to fall off at the fust good shake. She iz sumtimes a leetle hard -to suit, but iz quite often the most charming relick in the naborhood. -Next to mothers in law, old maids hav been abuzed more than enny thing -human, but they all ov them hav a warm spot in their hearts, that enny -decent person iz welkum to krawl into, and sun themselfs. - - -_BLISTERS._ - -Too mutch attenshun to little things spiles a man for bigger ones, I kno -a fellow who kan make a fust rate whissell out ov a pigs tail, and this -iz all he kan do. - - * * * * * - -Wit, in a woman, kan never replace the want ov buty. - - - [Illustration] - - About the hardest thing a fellow kan do, iz to spark 2 - girls at one time, and preserve a good average = - - Try it. Josh Billings - - [Illustration] - - I dont insist upon pedigree for a man, or horse--if a horse kan trot - fasst. and honest, the pedigree iz all right, if he kant, i wouldn't - giv a shilling a yard for hiz pedigree.= so, Josh Billings - - - - -31 Days. MAY. 1878. - - [Illustration] - - _Five years ov fasst work, - He iz bunged up, and done, - Knee sprung, and spavined, - Hiz spirit iz gone._ - - -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -|@ | @ || _Brevitys._ | _COBWEBS._ | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -| 1| W || @ Butiful May ! | | -| 2| T || air @ softly @ | The happiest people after all, | -| 3| F || @ now churn @ | are thoze who are worked the | -| 4| S || butter @ rainy @ | the hardest, and fed the best. | -| 5| G || @ Mose Sherman @ | | -| 6| M || @ born 1792 @ | | -| 7| T || @ wind @ fitful @ | * * * * * | -| 8| W || @ Mose Sherman * | | -| 9| T || + waz a tinker @ | Thare iz sum men who hav so | -|10| F || @ soft day @ | little bakbone that you kant help | -|11| S || now bury beans @ | them, you mite as well undertake | -|12| G || @ warm @ rain = | to stand an angleworm up on | -|13| M || | end, and ask him to dance a jig. | -|14| T || @ the @ way @ ov @ | | -|15| W || * the transgressor @ | | -|16| T || iz hard @ gentle @ | * * * * * | -|17| F || weather @ @ now | | -|18| S || the old @ hen @ | | -|19| G || @ kakleth @ | If you give a beggar nine dollars, | -|20| M || more @ weather * | at different times, and then | -|21| T || Juno @ waz @ the @ | refuse him the tenth, he will sware | -|22| W || @ wife ov Jupiter @ | you have cheated him out of it. | -|23| T || @ bright and @ | | -|24| F || butiful @ now | | -|25| S || * insert @ corn @ | * * * * * | -|26| G || @ Abram North @ | | -|27| M || @ killed @ 1819 @ | | -|28| T || pretty day * Abram | One haff the trubbles ov this | -|29| W || was stung to @ | life kan be traced to saying | -|30| T || dethness bi hornets | "Yes" too quick, and not saying | -|31| F || allass!! allass!!! | "No" soon enuff. | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ - - -_INDISKRIMINATE HINTS._ - -I receaved a circular yesterday inviting me to buy a ticket in a gift -distrubiting skeme, i didn't invest, i hav often bought into theze -magnificent chances, and all that i hav ever drawed yet, waz the wool -over mi eyes. A cow that will leak 18 quarts of milk per diem iz a good -one, but one that will flow 30, iz better. This may look like an -assershun ov mine, but the more yu look into it, the more milk yu will -diskover. Thare aint but fu cows that will giv 30 quarts ov milk a day -unless yu irrigate it well. I kant say if it will pay yu to keep a cow, -or not, yu kan buy a "_Readdy Reckoner_," at enny ov the book stores, -for 75 cents, and they tell all about theze things. If i waz called upon -to advise a Mother in law, i should tell her never to suggest enny thing -in the family at all, if she sees the babys stockings agin the stove, -burning up, let them burn, if she sees the kat stealing kream, off from -the top ov the milk kans, let her steal, if thare iz enny thing lost, -and the whole household are hunting for it, and she knows right whare it -iz, keep mum, and let them hunt. I kant tell whitch iz the best breed ov -lap dogs, all i kno about the diffrent breeds iz that the whole lot are -a kussid shame, and noosance. Rats are very growthy, so growthy, that yu -dont need but one good helthy rat to commence operations with, and in -three years, yu will hav rats to spare. - - -_WAIFS._ - -Next to going barefoot, for solid cumfort, cums an old shoe. - - * * * * * - -I beleave in ghosts,--only a little,--just ennff to keep up an -assortment. - - - - -30 Days. JUNE. 1878. - - [Illustration] - - _Now to a street kar, - Staggering he goes, - Receiving for pay, - Only curses and blows._ - -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -|@ | @ || _Brevitys._ | _FRIZZLE._ | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -| 1| S ||@ warm hotness |About all us old fellows kan do | -| 2| G ||@ June bugs @ |to enny advantage, iz to nuss our | -| 3| M ||@ are here @ leafy |rumatizz quietly in sum corner, | -| 4| T ||weather @ John |and guess, that it iz a going to | -| 5| W ||Bigg deceased @ 913 |rain tommorow, or that it aint. | -| 6| T ||@ warm and wet @ | | -| 7| F ||@ John Bigg @ | * * * * * | -| 8| S ||@ operated in @ | | -| 9| G ||@ klams @ hotter |Military taktiks are a good thing | -|10| M ||@ now @ the @ |to fite injuns with, when the | -|11| T ||kokroach @runneth |injuns are 65 miles off, but when | -|12| W ||bright and liquid @ |the fite cums, yu want to kill the | -|13| T ||@ now prepare for @ |injuns fust, and then alter the | -|14| F ||rain @ thou shalt @ |case to fit the taktiks. | -|15| S ||not steal @ sum @ | | -|16| G ||wind @ now egg | * * * * * | -|17| M ||@ hens @ for @ | | -|18| T || | | -|19| W ||chickens @ wind sow |A woman never iz more happy | -|20| T ||bi @ sow-east @ |than when she haz four men | -|21| F ||@ Vulcan @ was @ |waiting on her all to once, but | -|22| S ||@ a blak @ smith |more than one woman fussing | -|23| G ||@ warmer @ all @ |over a man at the same time, | -|24| M ||natur @ jumps @ |makes him feel dredphull unsartin. | -|25| T ||@ hot @ Sam @ | | -|26| W ||@ Burbanks born @ | * * * * * | -|27| T ||1812 @ hotsum | | -|28| F ||rain @ Sam playd |Thare iz nothing will demoralize | -|29| S ||the juice @ harp |a man fasster, than to git into | -|30| G ||mutch growthy |the habit ov doing hous work. | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ - - -_TWO LETTERS._ - -_Dear Laubenhimer._--I dont know who writ "_Babes in the Woods_," but -who ever did, hit natur. I hav forgot now the diagnosis ov the book, all -i kan remember iz, i red it when i waz a boy, and i bought one 25 years -after that for mi son, and only last week, bought another for mi -grandson, and when he grows up to be a man, and iz wed, and haz results, -he will buy it for hiz children. Robinson Kruso, Jak the Giant Killer, -and babes in the woods, will wear az long az allminaxes will. I dont kno -az thare iz a partikle ov bible truth in them, but they are so -wonderphull, that if they didn't never cum to pass, it seems az tho they -ought to. - - * * * * * - -_Dear Onderdonk._--Thare iz only one way to brake a kiking heifer, and -that iz, to stop her growth bi deth. When a heifer gits to kiking, the -smartest mishionary in the world kant console her, she will kik over her -own mother, just az liberally az she will a perfekt stranger. - -They will allways manage to stand middling still untill yu git the pail -just about full, and then for fear they wont hit it, they will kik with -both feet to oust, and squeal into the bargain. After they hav kikt the -milk over, they are perfektly resighned, and will stand and chew their -kud, and let yu milk them for two hours if yu want to. - - -_BUOYS._ - -The fust man that waz murdered in this world waz the only pure one -living at that time. - - * * * * * - -I like to see all things true to natur, even a hornet that kant sting, -is a melankolly failure. - - - - -31 Days. JULY. 1878. - - [Illustration] - - _Next to a kart, - He plods, and he moans, - A skeleton phantom, - A mere rak ov bones._ - -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -|@ | @ || _Brevitys._ | _WATCHWORDS._ | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -| 1| M ||@ Grate @ |A good landlord haz no publik | -| 2| T ||a warmness @ |opinyun ov his own, when called | -| 3| W ||@ now the @ |upon to decide between two ov | -| 4| T ||@ hopper grass @ |hiz boarders, he takes them one | -| 5| F ||@ laffeth @ sum @ |side seperately, and tells each ov | -| 6| S ||more hot @ Pan |them, what a kussid phool the | -| 7| G ||@ waz @ a shephard @ |other fellow is making ov himself. | -| 8| M ||@ more heat @ | | -| 9| T ||@ Fred Munson @ | * * * * * | -|10| W ||@ broke his@ @ | | -|11| T ||@ arm @ 1386 @ |The man who iz anxious to liv | -|12| F ||@ thunder and @ |hiz life over again, iz proberbly | -|13| S ||@ litening @ now |more ov a spekulator at heart, | -|14| G ||the ram butteth @ |than a philosopher or a christian. | -|15| M ||@ growing hot @ | | -|16| T ||now probe @ for @ | * * * * * | -|17| W ||ice kream @ more | | -|18| T ||@ thunder @ |Total depravity iz a hard thing | -|19| F ||@ multiplikashun @ |for me to believe, but i must say, | -|20| S ||table diskovered @ |that i often meet cases that | -|21| G ||826 @ now twitch |wouldn't pay more than 5 per | -|22| M ||lettiss @ more @ |cent for rektifying. | -|23| T ||heaty @ Jane | | -|24| W ||@ Ferguson @ @ | * * * * * | -|25| T ||vamosed @ 1840 | | -|26| F ||@ hot @ abates @ |A "Cuss" iz a kritter who iz | -|27| S ||Jane vamosed @ |just a little more respektabel than | -|28| G ||with @ one Sam @ |a loafer, and just a little less | -|29| M ||Peters @ it rains @@ |dangerous than a renegade. | -|30| T ||@ sich iz life @ | | -|31| W || | | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ - - -_THE RHINOSSEROSS AND THE VIOLET._ - -The rhinosseross iz strikly a forrin invenshun, and i am glad ov it. -They are a one horned experiment, and that horn grows on the tip ov -their nose. If they are haff az unhappy az they look, they are the most -mizerable kritters ever invented. Their great value is in their -skarsity, if they waz az plenty az organ grinders, they wouldn't be enny -more of a luxury. If i waz offered mi choice between a rhinosseross, and -an anakondy, i should figger on them cluss, for a fortnight, and then -refuse to take either. - - -_THE VIOLET._ - -Little blu eyed innocent, i saw yu one year ago, this very day, in this -same cold, and sunless spot, (perhaps it mite hav been yure sister) far -away from human eyes, or human footsteps. It waz winter then, so it iz -now, but they call it spring. Yu are too gentle for this cheerless -place, do the fairys visit yu, and whisper words ov luv and hope. Yu -need'nt hang yure hed and tremble, i wont hurt yu, gladly would i swop -places with yu, neglected az yu are, yu kant be lost, i may be. Stay -right whare yu are little innosent, the fust luv sik maiden i kum -akrost, i will send to keep yu company, she will hav a lot ov silly, and -soft things, to tell yu. - - -_UNDERGROWTH._ - -A "_Stool Pigeon_" iz one, who iz willing to be az wicked az he knows -how, but who haz to be taught all the iniquity, ov enny consequence, -that he possesses. - - * * * * * - -Men who hav the most real power, sho it the least, while thare aint a -more terrible engine ov the law, than a fresh elekted constable. - - - - -31 Days. AUGUST. 1878. - - [Illustration] - - _When he kant pull a pound, - And won't even try, - He iz dropt bi his owner, - And turned out to die._ - -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -|@ | @ || _Brevitys._ | _SKRAPS._ | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -| 1| T || @ Hot but dusty |Repentanse iz the most satisfaktory | -| 2| F || ¶ Behold the @ |duty that a man can perform, | -| 3| S || * festiff @ |but it wont kure the headake | -| 4| G || @ muskeeter @ |next day, nor pay for the hot rum, | -| 5| M || @ draws nigh @ |and cigars, it took to make it. | -| 6| T || ¶ sum more ¶ | | -| 7| W ||@ dust with heat § | | -| 8| T ||now inquire @ for | * * * * * | -| 9| F || @ juleps @ | | -|10| S || @ big shower @ | | -|11| G || § now the hen § |Thare may be some perfektly | -|12| M || @ pants @ cool @ |happy people in this world, but if | -|13| T || @ @ nights @ @ |they undertake to prove it, they | -|14| W || @ Sam. Carter @ |will lay themselfs open to suspishun.| -|15| T ||@ obituated 1865 @ | | -|16| F ||sum more @ hotly @ | | -|17| S ||§ Sam Carter waz @ | * * * * * | -|18| G || a @ ded @ beet @ | | -|19| M || @ sighns @ | | -|20| T || @ ov thunder @ |I never knu a man who lived | -|21| W || @ /now lift/ @ |upon hope, but what spent hiz old | -|22| T || @ coucumbers @ |age at sumboddy else's expense. | -|23| F || @ rain and @ | | -|24| S || @ lightning @ | | -|25| G || "thou shall not | * * * * * | -|26| M || lie" @ much @ @ | | -|27| T || @ warmth * now | | -|28| W || keep @ cool @ it |To bekum famous requires | -|29| T || @ thunders @ |mutch time, and merit,--fust to | -|30| F || @ hark!!! @ @ |be entitled to it, an seckondly, | -|31| S || |not to git cheated out ov it. | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ - - -_THE BACHELOR._ - -The old bachelor iz born in the maskuline way, but often changes hiz -base, to the nuter gender. He thinks he haz got a good lone hand, but in -playing it, allmost allways gits ukered. Sumtimes, late in life, he -makes up hiz mind to git marrid, and then, allmost invariably, thare are -two partys, who are disapointed. - - -_THE QUACK._ - -The quack knows he iz a ded beat, but he allso knows that mankind luv to -be cheated. He allwuss haz sum speshiallity, and the more difikult iz -the disseaze, the more brazen iz he, in hiz offers to kure it. He preys -upon the unfortunate, and it would be az unprofitable to prove -malpraktiss aginst him, az it would bigamy, aginst a wharf rat. - - -_THE DEAKON._ - -The deakon iz the fust lutenant in a meeting house. He iz a good -christian man, but hiz kreed iz too often az mutch bother to him, az a -yoke iz to a goose. He iz az full ov bizzness, and proviso's az a -wimmins rites convenshen. He often haz more pitty than branes, and -generally, more fuss, than either. A good deakon, in a naborhood, iz a -substanshall blessing, and bad deakons, thank Heaven, hav allwuss been -skarse. - - -_SOLLUM THINGS._ - -The world iz bankrupt in morals, and if kind heaven wont settle with us, -for 10 cents on the dollar, the devil will git the whole thing bi -foreclosure. - - * * * * * - -Yu may make a servant ov a friend, but yu kant make a friend ov a -servant, it aint natral. - - - - -30 Days. SEPTEMBER. 1878. - - [Illustration] - - _The street boys git at him, - And ride him around, - 'Till he staggers, and stumbles, - And falls to the ground._ - -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -|@ | @ || _Brevitys._ | _ECHOS._ | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -| 1| G || @ Breezy @ 'list | | -| 2| M || @ to @ the @ |Whenever yu cum akrost a | -| 3| T || @ mocking bird @ |man, who praizes yu immoderaterly, | -| 4| W || @ a fine day @ |and kusses every boddy | -| 5| T || @ now chew @ |else in proportion, yu kan make | -| 6| F || @ @ cherrys @ @ |up yure mind, that yure turn for | -| 7| S || @ cool @ Dave @ |kussing will cum soon. | -| 8| G || @ Markham died @ | | -| 9| M || @ 1790 @ milder @ | * * * * * | -|10| T || @ Dave died @ | | -|11| W || @ ov skarsity @ |Experiense haz no effect on sum | -|12| T || @ @ ov breth @ @ |people, they are like an old frog | -|13| F || @ @ more @ @ |in a mud puddle, yu kan ketch | -|14| S || @ mildness @ |him without even enny bait on | -|15| G || @ huckleberrys are @ |yure hook, and thro him bak agin, | -|16| M || @ here @ cool |az often az yu hav a mind to. | -|17| T || | | -|18| W || @ sighns @ | | -|19| T || @ Dan Tucker @ | * * * * * | -|20| F || @ born 1832 @ | | -|21| S || @ expekt coolness @ |An idler iz twice a thief, he not | -|22| G || @ Dan Tucker @ |only steals hiz own time, but he | -|23| M || @ waz dark @ |hangs around, trieing to steal | -|24| T || @ konplekted @ |yures too. | -|25| W || rain @ now @ twitch | | -|26| T || flax @ hot day @ in | * * * * * | -|27| F || @ time ov peace | | -|28| S || look out @ @ for war |We all ov us hav certian | -|29| G || wind easty @ bi nor |sorrows that are too intrinksik to | -|30| M || east @ go slow @ |be divided with enny boddy. | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ - - -_THE GRASSHOPPER IZ A BURDEN_ - -The grasshopp iz a flippant bug. He iz likewise a kuss. He iz green for -color, and haz several leggs, or more, i disremember whitch. They kan -fli, hop, walk, sit still, or run, and are born ov eggs, a dozen from -each egg, proberbly. They are an inch and a quarter in length, and are -sumtimes a frackshun over. They are laid, hatchid out, git their -manhood, and die off in 75 days, this iz aktual bizzness, and shows -enterprize, in a lofty degree. What they are good for, haz been -concealed from us, for wize reazons, but the evil they kan commit, iz -sumtimes equal to a famine. I hav seen every green thing, on the flatt -ov the earth, for 50 miles in diameter, et up bi them, and millyuns ov -them besides starving to deth. I have seen the air filled with them like -a shower ov sand, and nothing but stone fences, and McAdam roads, proof -aginst their appetights. To be et up bi grasshopps, to be consumed bi -muskeeters, or mangled bi a mule, hav allways been the three deaths that -i hav voted aginst. But az mutch az i fear the dedly hopper, i had -rather face a mile square ov them, all alone, in the month ov August, or -i had rather cross the Newark marshes, bi moonlite, in Juli, when -muskeeters are in their consumate glory, or even fondle the sportive -mule, than to hav a _nusepaper kritick_, who writes for 8 dollars a -week, git after me. - - -_CAMBRIK NEEDLES._ - -The slowest time on reckord,--is skool time. - - * * * * * - -The man who _forgivs_, and dont _forgit_, compounds for 50 cents on the -dollar. - - - [Illustration] - - I dont take enny phoolish chances, if i waz called upon - to mourn over a ded mule, i should stand in front ov him, and do mi - weeping.= - - J. Billings Esq. - - - [Illustration] - - When a man gits to going down hill, it duz seem, az tho - every thing had been greased for the ockashun. - - Josh Billings - - - - -31 Days. OCTOBER. 1878. - - [Illustration] - - _Thare he struggles, and groans, - 'Till he iz knockt on the hed, - And the once rapid trotter, - Lies pulseless and ded._ - -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -|@ | @ || _Brevitys._ | _DAY BREAKS._ | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -| 1| T || @ Frosty @ now | | -| 2| W || @ gobble cider @ | Politeness never makes enny | -| 3| T || @ expekt kold @ | blunders, it often gits snubbed, | -| 4| F || @ Nick Hudibras @ | but never gits beat. | -| 5| S || @ fled @ 1851 @ | | -| 6| G || @ @ colder @ @ | | -| 7| M || @ Nick fled @ | * * * * * | -| 8| T || @ to Texas @ | | -| 9| W || @ snow @ threatens @ | When you cum akrost a man | -|10| T || @ now unearth @ | that neither flattery, nor abuse, | -|11| F || @ p-o-t-a-t-o-e-s @ | wont stimulate, let him alone, he | -|12| S || @ cool nights @ | haz gone to seed. | -|13| G || | | -|14| M || liberty @ and @ union | | -|15| T || @ still @ cooler @ | | -|16| W || @ one @ and @ | * * * * * | -|17| T || @ fine day @ | | -|18| F || inseparable @ now | Thare iz nothing more bekuming | -|19| S || @ the duck @ | than humality, and nothing | -|20| G || q-u-a-c-k-e-t-h @ | that most ov people are more | -|21| M || @ more frost @ | ashamed ov. | -|22| T || @ Sally Foster @ | | -|23| W || @ marrid 1826 @ | | -|24| T || @ cool and wet @ | * * * * * | -|25| F || | | -|26| S || Sally marrid @ for | | -|27| G || love @cooler @and | It iz a grate art to kno how to | -|28| M || 45 hundred dollars | giv gracephully, I hav seen good | -|29| T || a year @ wind flau | light bread change into a stone, | -|30| W || @ sum @ now @ | in passing from one hand to | -|31| T || highst @ turnips @ | another. | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ - - -_THE APPLE._ - -The apple iz the oldest fruit on reckord, and one ov the best. The fust -ackount we hav ov it, was in the gardin ov Eden. Eve iz sed to hav et -the fust one, and pronounced it good, and made Adam take a bight. The -eating ov this apple never has been konsidered mutch ov a hit for the -rest ov us. The apple will keep longer than enny other fruit, if it aint -eaten, and kan be workt up into apple sass, and dumplings, with grate -suckcess. - -I kan tell a mans tru karakter, bi what he eats, or drinks, clusser than -i kan to hear him deliver a tempranse lektur. Talk of all kinds iz -artyfishall, but vittles, and drinks, iz natur. Whenever yu see a man -cussing, and swareing at apple sass, and good light dumplings, yu can -bet 10 dollars, on mi ackount, that he aint a good fireside man. Apples -also, when they are well squeezed, produce cider, which iz next to milk, -az a fertilizer. Egnogg owes most ov its glory unto cider. Champane wine -would be dredphull skarse in market if it want for cider, and good sharp -vinegar would be az unkommon az piety, or tru affeckshun, if it wazn't -for cider. Jersey lightning also kums from cider, this iz the only -wicked thing i ever knu cider to do. Jersey lightning haz scalded more -people than hot water ever haz, and killed more than Minnie rifles. - - -_FOAM._ - -Thare iz nothing which a chaste, and refined woman detekts so quick as -the atmosphere ov an impure man. - - * * * * * - -Contentment has been praized more, and prakticed less, than enny other -condishun ov life. - - - - -30 Days. NOVEMBER. 1878. - - [Illustration] - - _Now they kart him away-- - Forgot, and forsaken, - To far-famed "BARREN ISLAND," - The Trotter iz taken._ - -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -|@ | @ || _Brevitys._ | _SNOW FLAKES._ | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -| 1| F || @ Cold @ the | | -| 2| S || cricket @ chirps @ | I like philosophy on general | -| 3| G || @ faintly @ more | principles, but the man who invented| -| 4| M || coldy @ now @ | the frickshun match, a | -| 5| T || trap @ for minks | cent a box, haz dun the world | -| 6| W || @ it snows @ | more good, than than the author | -| 7| T || @ Ruben Hatfield @ | ov the stoick philosophy. | -| 8| F || obsquatulated 1811 | | -| 9| S || @ chilly @ | * * * * * | -|10| G || @ Reuben @ was @ | | -|11| M || a toll/gate @ keeper | Thare iz a grate menny fresh | -|12| T || @ now @ bruize @ | water martyrs on the footstool, | -|13| W || @ w/o/o/d @ | folks whoze gratest pride iz to tell| -|14| T || @ colder mutch @ | us what a miserable time they hav | -|15| F || @ thou @ shalt @ | allways had ont. | -|16| S || not @ s-n-o-r-e @ | | -|17| G || in @ thy @ sleep | * * * * * | -|18| M || @ very @ cool @ | | -|19| T || @ meazles @ found @ | | -|20| W || @ 1492 @ Bob @ | Advice and phisick are so | -|21| T || Barnes @ died 1603 | plenty, that the man who makes | -|22| F || raw @ but cold @ Bob | enny blunders, or gits sick, must | -|23| S || Barnes @ was @ a | be a phool. | -|24| G || vegitinarian @ more | | -|25| M || snow @ Bob Barnes | * * * * * | -|26| T || waz a kold @ potato | | -|27| W || @ champion @ | | -|28| T || @ Farewell @ | A vain man lets us see all hiz | -|29| F || @ my boys !!! @ | weak points, and hides hiz strong | -|30| S || | ones. | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ - - -_THE AVERAGE BOARDING HOUSE._ - -I hav lived in boarding houses long enuff to decide, that most ov them -are the most cheerless, and unfriendly places on earth. The alms house, -or the hospital, iz a more luvly spot to liv in, than the average -boarding house. They are kept bi females, gennerally about 45, or 46, -years old, and never gits enny older, who wears a blak allpacka dress, -az slippery, and shiny, as a piece ov pattent leather, and who kan blo a -butcher klean out ov hiz stall, or lift the false hair oph from the -heds, ov one ov her Bridgets, when she gets to argueing the case hot. - -Her house iz furnished from top to bottom with faded furniture, the -spoils ov a thousand aukshun sales, which iz the only place she visits, -except the meat, and vegetable markets Everything on the table, and -about the house, inkluding attendance, iz meazzured out at the rate ov -about nine ounces to the pound, and the whole thing runs dry, and -squeaking like the axles ov a waggon, in want ov grease. Thare iz not -one solitary, genuine cumfort, in theze concerns, and men, and wimmin, -liv, year after year, in theze hash asylums, cursing them every day, and -without the moral force to desert them. - -I was once told ov one landlady who kept a party ov four young fellows -in her house, two months longer than they wanted to stay, bi putting a -ten cent stamp into the hash every morning. The landlady dealt out the -hash, and managed to get the stamp every time. - - -_DUST._ - -The way of the transgressor iz hard,--and there ain't no transgressor -kan dodge it neither. - - * * * * * - -Experience iz about all that old age can boast ov, and how often iz even -this ov the bitterest kind. - - - - -31 Days. DECEMBER. 1878. - - [Illustration] - - _Thar hiz hide is stript off, - And two dollars brings, - And his bones are workt up, - Into buttons and things._ - -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -|@ | @ || _Brevitys._ | _SKIMMINGS._ | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -| 1| G || Orphull @ kold @ | I have a grate kuriosity now to | -| 2| M || now @ hunt @ for | kno when the next flood is a | -| 3| T || @ ice @ it @ | going to take place, and whether | -| 4| W || @ waxes kolder @ | thare kan be found on the face ov | -| 5| T || @ Zeke @ Davis @ | the earth a crew fit to man the | -| 6| F || born 1850 @ big @ | next ark with. | -| 7| S || @ s-n-o @ storm @ | | -| 8| G || @ Zeke waz @ | * * * * * | -| 9| M || @ a @ henpecked @ | | -|10| T || man @ it is winter | I hav heard wize men phrovesy, | -|11| W || now @ the ☼ cow | and fools guess, all mi life, but i | -|12| T || s-h-i-v-e-r-e-t-h @ | never hav kept enny count which | -|13| F || ☼ more @ bitter @ | ov them haz got it right the | -|14| S || @ Adam @ was @ | oftenest. | -|15| G || @ a phool @ | | -|16| M || @ more ☼ snow @ | * * * * * | -|17| T || @ now maim wood @ | | -|18| W || dredphull @ cold @ | When i waz a boy i allwuss wanted | -|19| T || @ man is @ | tommorow to cum, in middle life | -|20| F || @ a @ f-a-i-l-u-r-e @ | i wanted a day to last allways, now | -|21| S || @ wind northy @ | that i hav got older, i look at | -|22| G || bi @ north ☼ now | yesterday, and to day, and compare | -|23| M || pay @ your honest | them with tommorow, and wonder | -|24| T || dets @ it grows cold | what all this fuss iz about. | -|25| W || now ! comfort ☼ your | | -|26| T || wife @ more snow | * * * * * | -|27| F || Buy Josh Billings' | | -|28| S || A-l-l-m-i-n-a-x @ | Thare iz lots ov people in this | -|29| G || sighns ov a thaw @ | world, who spend so mutch time | -|30| M || Let @ us @ meet | watching their healths, that they | -|31| T || @ here again ☼ | haint got no time to enjoy it. | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ - - -_A LONG PARAGRAFF._ - -Guessing iz a dredphull poor trade, i had just about az soon hav a man -tell me a lie az to guess at a thing, in case ov doubt ask yure wife, -when the sun shines wimmin are butterflys, and luv to bask in its rays, -but when the dark hours cum, and even hope begins to look over its -shoulder, ask yure wife about it, and she will either puntch a hole thru -the klowd, or lift up one corner ov it, and sho yu a star, I luv babys, -i luv them bekauze they are aktually necessary, I luv them bekauze they -wont lie, I luv them bekauze they may be the next president sum time, i -luv them bekauze i waz a baby once miself, and perhaps sumboddy loved -me, i hav sumtimes thought gamblers were az honest az they kan afford to -be, they allwuss giv notiss before hand that they will cheat you if they -kan, I beleave in one wife, one dog, and one friend, with a few -cheerfull acquaintances thrown in to make up the assortment, doenutts -and cheeze are lawful tenders in Nu England, nine doenutts, a quarter ov -a pound ov old cheeze, and a pint ov sharp sider, iz a luncheon fit for -a nuly elekted Justiss ov the Peace, or a trakt pedlar, dandys are -things ov the past, I havn't seen a regular full blossomed, old -fashioned dandy, going on now seven years, I* * * * * * - - -_SEDIMENT._ - -When a coquet falls in luv, she falls in all over, prudes make a mental -reservashun. - - * * * * * - -I would rather number amung mi intimates, an ideot, or even a pikpocket, -than infidel. - - - - -31 Days. JANUARY. 1879. - - [Illustration: AQUARIUS. THE WATER BEARER. - - "_Now is the winter ov our diskontent._"] - -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -|@ | @ || _The Slate._ | _KRYSTALS._ | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -| 1| W || | | -| 2| T || @ _Keep_ @ _cool_ @ | Yung man, set down, and keep | -| 3| F || @ _korn_ @ _starch_ @ | still, yu will hav plenty ov chances| -| 4| S || @ _it snows_ @ | yet to make a phool ov yureself | -| 5| G || @ _invented_ @ | before yu die. | -| 6| M || @ now @ 1835 @ | | -| 7| T || @ iz @ the @ @ | | -| 8| W || @ winter @ _Sam_ @ | * * * * * | -| 9| T || ov our _Peterkin_ | | -|10| F || @ @ diskontent @ @ | | -|11| S || @ _born_ @ _kolder_ @ | It iz a wize man who proffits | -|12| G || @ 1202 @ more @ | bi hiz own experience--but it iz a | -|13| M || kolder @ @ @ _Sam_ | good deal wizer one, who lets the | -|14| T || --now--_waz_-- | rattlesnaik bite the other phellow. | -|15| W || @ rake @ a @ | | -|16| T || r*i*g*h*t*e*o*u*s | * * * * * | -|17| F || @ @ in @ ice @ @ | | -|18| S || _man_ @ @ @ _sighns_ | | -|19| G || @ @ @ _the_ @ _ov_ @ @ | | -|20| M || _frog_ @ _snow_ | Take all the phools out ov | -|21| T || @ _lies_ @ _kolder_ @ | this world, and thare wouldn't be | -|22| W || @ @ _still_ @ now @ @ | enny phun, nor proffit living in it | -|23| T || _snow_ @ @ @ jam | | -|24| F || @ 2 @ _feet_ @ fires @ | | -|25| S || _deep_ @--@ Mozes | * * * * * | -|26| G || @ @ _a thaw_ @ @ | | -|27| M || B*u*r*b*a*n*k*s-- | | -|28| T || @ _now_ @ deceased @ | Allmost enny phool kan prove | -|29| W || @--1818--@ | that the bible aint true, it takes | -|30| T || @ s-w-a-l-l-o-w @ | a wize man to beleave it. | -|31| F || @ _kolder_ @ cider @ | | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ - - -_THE BOOK CANVASSER._ - -The book canvasser iz a red hot being, az untiring az a fox hound, and -az free from diffidence az a fish pedlar. He works hiz way into every -spot in kreashun, and will often sell a book to a man, for hiz own -price, who swore at first that he wouldn't take it az a gift. He will -travel more miles in a day, on less hash, than a stage horse, and kan -stand more abuse than a chinaman. The book canvasser haz bekum the -terror of the land, and mankind hide from him az they would from the -taxgatherer, or a case ov the small pox. I rather like the book -canvasser, when a man pitches into me, and offers to sell me 650 pages -ov "_Doktor John Hirsute's modified diagnosis ov the cappilliary -attrakshun_," and stiks to it untill he gits the book onto me, i am -delighted with the man, and proud ov miself. It takes genius to do theze -things, and i luv genius in all shapes, whether it appears az the author -ov a dikshionary, or the pattentee of bar soap, warrented to take the -letterings off from a mile stone in three washings. The book canvasser -haz mi hottest prayers for hiz sukcess, and tho i never ov late -subskribe for enny thing, not even to buy the new klergyman an -independant seckond hand trotting kronometor, still i am allwus reddy to -reckomend him to mi nabors. - - -_SLUNG SHOT._ - -"_Throw fisick to the dogs_," is a very old proverb, but whare will yu -find the dog that will tutch it? - - * * * * * - -Experience teaches us mutch, but learns us little. - - - - -28 Days. - -FEBRUARY. - -1879. - - [Illustration: PICES, THE FISHES. - - _Two Perch--possibly one Smelt._] - -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -|(!)|@ || _The Slate._ | _CENTER SHOTS._ | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -| 1| S || @ _Kold_ ¶ now | | -| 2| G || @ _waxes_ @ make @ | I would az soon think ov pulling | -| 3| M || @ _snow_ ax @ | the feathers out ov a peakoks | -| 4| T || _falls_ @ @ handles | tale, az to interfere with inosent | -| 5| W || < Kate @ _aufull_ > | vanity ov a man. | -| 6| T || Sherman @ @ @ _koldy_ | | -| 7| F || @ @ fell _more_ @ @ | | -| 8| S || Kate * * * * | * * * * * | -| 9| G || @ @ _koldness_ @ @ | | -|10| M || * * * * fell | When a wize man undertakes | -|11| T || @ _the_ @ down @ | to do a kunning thing he allmost | -|12| W || | allways makes a mizerable failure | -|13| T || @ ¶ _Bumblebee_ ¶ @ | ov it. | -|14| F || cellar @ @ _lies_ | | -|15| S || @ _now dreaming_ @ | * * * * * | -|16| G || @ _krak_ * _kolder_ @ | | -|17| M || _buttnutts_ @ @ _it_ | Marrid life iz a little game, in | -|18| T || @ Adam @ _snows_ @ | which the woman, if she iz called, | -|19| W || @ Brown @ @ _it_ @ | iz allmost sure to hav a strate | -|20| T || kreated @ @ _thaws_ | flush. | -|21| F || @ 1400 Adam @ | | -|22| S || _more_ @ _snow_ @ waz | | -|23| G || @ _now_ a @ natral@ | * * * * * | -|24| M || @ _pay_ kuss @ | | -|25| T || _dets_----@----Ben | The man who knows a thing, | -|26| W || @ _still_ @ Franklin @ | and can tell it in the fewest words | -|27| T || _kolder_ @ @ @ waz | iz the hardest kind of a man to | -|28| F || ¶ thawy ¶ a ¶ kard ¶ | beat in a kross examinashun. | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ - - -_THE CHIPMUNK._ - -The chipmunk iz the smallest of the squirrell tribe. They are striped -goods, having three blak lines wove into them, running the same way the -squirrell duz. Az a spekulator in corn the chipmunk stands at the hed ov -all the small operators, beating the blujay, in hiz yearly operashuns -about a quart. The chipmunk carrys hiz corn in hiz mouth, and when he -cums out ov a cornfield loaded with the cereal, his cheeks stik out like -a duch baby's. Sumtimes the chipmunk iz kaught and kept in a cage, and -iz made to turn a wheel for a living, this iz the only usefull work they -hav ever been known to do. I hav often lookt at them at work in their -wheels, and dont kno which i pitty the most, the chipmunk, or the party -who has to tend them, both of them mite be in better bizzness. They are -the only insekt who dig their holes and sho no pile ov dirt at the -entrance. I hav asked sevral smart men what bekums ov the dirt, but they -all shook their heds and lookt awfull wize. When i waz a boy i used to -ketch chipmunks bi running away from skool, and the day that I brought -in two ov them waz a big day for me. - - -_CRUMBS._ - -The devil iz a very cunning phellow, but the blunders he makes allwuss -eats up the profitts in hiz bizzness. - - * * * * * - -A dandy iz an individul whoze usephullness in this world depends -entirely upon the fit ov hiz clothes. - - - - -31 Days. MARCH. 1879. - - [Illustration: ARIES, THE RAM. - - _On the War Path.--The hit ov the seazon._] - -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -|@ | @ || _The Slate_. | _DU DROPS._ | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -| 1| S || _Wind_ @ @ @ | | -| 2| G ||@ *-*-*- now | The things that i kant prove i | -| 3| M ||@ _howls_ @ tan @ | beleave the most, i beleave that | -| 4| T ||_more_ @ woodchuk | one apple iz sour, and another | -| 5| W ||@ _wind_ @ skins @ | one sweet, but i will giv enny | -| 6| T ||Pete @ _wind_ | highly eddikated man, a span ov | -| 7| F ||@-@ Perkins @-@ | matched mules, who will tell me | -| 8| S ||_r-i-z-e-s_ @ b-o-r-n | what makes them so. | -| 9| G ||@ _more_ @ @ 1840 @ | | -|10| M ||_windfull_ @ | | -|11| T ||----Pete @ _it_ | * * * * * | -|12| W || | | -|13| T ||@ _rains_ @ waz @ | I hav lived just long enuff to | -|14| F ||@ @ coloured @ @ | find out how little i kno, and no | -|15| S ||_sighns_ @ @ @ he | man who throws away hiz faith, | -|16| G ||@ waz @ _ov_ @ @ @ | iz ever going to be very wize. | -|17| M ||_snow_ @ a @ @ @ | | -|18| T ||c-o-l-o-u-r-e-d | | -|19| W ||@ _now_ @ barber @ | * * * * * | -|20| T ||@_d_ @ _r_ @ _a_ @ _w_@ | | -|22| S ||@ @ @ _violet_ @ @ @ | iz hiz conshience, he may outargy | -|23| G ||---- _ackounts_ | hiz reazon, or stutify hiz faith, | -|24| M ||@ _haz_ @ _more_ @ | but he kant beat hiz conshience. | -|25| T ||_cum_ @ _windfull_ | | -|26| W ||@ @ @ now _it_ @ @ @ | | -|27| T ||_blows_ @ @ @ drink | * * * * * | -|28| F ||@-@- Noah -@-@ | | -|29| S || .... Egg had .... | The best thing i kno ov iz a | -|30| G ||-- nogg @ 3 -- | fust rate wife, and the next best | -|31| M ||_it_ @ _blows_ @ boys @ | thing, is a sekond rate one. | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ - - -_REMARKS._ - -Three kard monte iz a game ov chance, the chance iz, that yu will git -badly beat, unless yu play it alone. When thare iz 2 plays the game, -sumbody iz bound to git hurt. Girls are a more risky crop to raize than -boys, if a boy makes a bad blunder, he kan wipe out the slate once, or -even twice, and begin again, but a girl kant. I kant tell who old -Probabilitiz iz, but he iz a smart kuss, aint he? Whiskee iz one ov the -tonicks, i think, but i aint sure, i kno it iz one ov the tanglelegs, -for I hav seen it tried often. Yu kan sell a fast horse in Nu York at -yure own price, provided he iz fast enuff. But dont bring enny 3 minnitt -kattle to Nu York, the ice kream, and the milk men, drive faster than -that. Our old fellows, in Nu York, menny ov them who hav seen 70 years, -when they go out onto the hard roads, dont take enny but 2.25 dust. -Speaking ov kats mi opinyun remains unchanged, they are az full ov -flaws, az a March wind iz. Yu kan make a lawyer, or a minister ov your -son, either ov them are decent callings enuff, but neither ov them will -make him respektabel, unless they are well filled Nuzepaper hacks are -harder workt, and poorer fed, than livery stable horses. Authors, and -skribblers, az a klass, are a self konsaited, and seedy set, and I -believe a literary man, when he gits poor, and shiny, iz the poorest -looking kritter on the footstool. - - -_LINT._ - -No atheist, with all hiz boasted bravery, haz ever dared to advertize -his beleaf, on hiz tomb stun - - * * * * * - -A baby iz a necessity, but twins allwuss did seem to me, to be ov a -spekulative natur. - - - - -30 Days. APRIL. 1879. - - [Illustration: TAURUS, THE BULL. - - _Bound for Wall Street.--Bring on yure Bear._] - -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -|@ | @ || _The Slate._ | _DOOR KNOBS._ | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -| 1| T || @ April _now_ | | -| 2| W ||@ fool @ _pluk_ @ | Caushun iz a good thing for a | -| 3| T ||@-_r-a-i-n-y_-@ | man to hav, but when he haz got | -| 4| F ||@ @ _dandylions_ @ @ | so mutch ov it, that he iz afrade | -| 5| S ||_more_ @......@ Julia | to tutch a kast iron lion, for fear | -| 6| G ||@ *w*e*t*f*u*l*l* | it will bite, ignoranse iz what's | -| 7| M ||@ @ Higgins @ @ | the matter ov him. | -| 8| T ||_warm_ @ § @ § @ died | | -| 9| W ||@ _wet_ @ _rain_ @ | * * * * * | -|10| T ||1874 @ @ @ Julia | | -|11| F ||@ @ _much_ @ was @ @ | In courtship i hav allwus advised | -|12| S ||_m o i s t_ ---- a | the oblique rather than the | -|13| G || § prude ¦ _now_ § | vertikal process, if yure mistress | -|14| M ||_wetty_ @ _the_ | diskovers too mutch anxiety in | -|15| T ||@ David § _goose_ @ | yu, she iz sure to diskover less | -|16| W ||slu @ @ _yells_ | in herself. | -|17| T ||@ .... Golier .... @ | | -|18| F ||_Expekt_ @ _windy_ | | -|19| S || | * * * * * | -|20| G ||@ _frogs_ @ _snow_ @ | | -|21| M ||_m-o-r-e_ @ _s-o-w_ | Thare aint nothing that a man | -|22| T || @ _wind_ @ | will thrive so well on az abuse | -|23| W ||@ _gardin_ @ @ @ @ | that aint merited. | -|24| T ||.. James .. _sass_ . | | -|25| F ||@ @ @ _much_ @ @ @ | * * * * * | -|26| S || @ Bukannan @ | | -|27| G ||.... *_cooler_ iz* .... | Whenever yu cum akrost a | -|28| M ||ded @ @ @ @ sitch | man who distrusts everyboddy, | -|29| T ||@ _more_ @ iz @ | yu hav found one whom it is safe | -|30| W ||@ @ _rain_ life @ @ | for everyboddy to distrust. | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ - - -_THE MUSKEETER._ - -Muskeeters are a game bug, but they wont bite at a hook. Thare iz -millyuns ov them kaught every year, but not with a hook, this makes the -market for them unstiddy, the supply allways exceeding the demand. The -muskeeto iz born on the sly, and cums to maturity quicker than enny -other ov the domestik animiles. A muskeeter at 3 hours old iz just az -reddy, and anxious, to go into bizzness for himself, az ever he iz, and -bites the fust time az sharp, and natral, az red pepper duz. The -muskeeter haz a good ear for musik, and sings without notes. The song ov -the musketo iz monotonous to sum folks, but in me it stirs up the -memorys ov other days. I hav lade awake, all nite long, menny a time and -listened to the sweet anthems ov the muskeeter. I am satisfied that -thare want nothing made in vain, but i kant help thinking how mighty -kluss the musketoze kum to it. The muskeeter haz inhabited this world -since its kreashun, and will probably hang around here until bizzness -closes. Whare the muskeeter goes to in the winter iz a standing -konumdrum, which all the naturalists hav giv up, but we kno he dont go -far, for he iz on hand early each year with hiz probe fresh ground, and -polished. Muskeeters must be one ov the luxurys ov life, they certainly -aint one ov the necessarys, not if we kno ourselfs. - - -_SNOW BALLS._ - -Thare iz a time for all things, and the best time to hold our tungs, iz -when we feel az tho we had the most to say. - - * * * * * - -The man who gambles, or drinks whiskey, kant chooze hiz assoshiates. - - - [Illustration] - - If yu trade horses with a jockey yu kant git cheated but - once.--but if yu trade with a deakon yu may git cheated twice.--once - in the horse, and once in the deakon = - - Perhaps. Josh Billings - - - [Illustration] - - Patience iz a good thing for a man to hav. but when he - haz got so mutch ov it. that he kan fish all day long, without enny - bate on hiz hook,--Lazyness, iz what's the matter ov him.= - - Exackly so. Josh Billings - - - - -31 Days. MAY. 1879. - - [Illustration: GEMINI, THE TWINS. - - _Dubletts--a lucky throw._] - -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -|@ | @ || _The Slate._ | _BIRDS' EGGS._ | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -| 1| T || @ _Soft_ ¶ now @ | | -| 2| F || @ _and_ @ stik @ | | -| 3| S || _sunny_ §--§--§ in | It iz bad enuff to be a fust rate | -| 4| G || @ peas _sum_ @ | monkey, but to be a third rate | -| 5| M || --Obadiah-- | one iz more disastrous than to be | -| 6| T || | an idiot. | -| 7| W || _r_|_a_|_i_|_n_| | | | | -| 8| T || *-*-*-*@Farnharm | | -| 9| F || @_more_ waz@ | * * * * * | -|10| S || @ _soft_ a @ | | -|11| G || @millerite@ | Thare iz no sure kure for lazyness, | -|12| M || ----_wetly_---- | but i hav known a seckond | -|13| T || @*now @ _mild_*@ | wife to hurry it sum. | -|14| W || ....| snatch |... | | -|15| T || _cool_ @ @ @ @ @ | | -|16| F || @ @ @ @ @ lettiss | * * * * * | -|17| S || @ @ C*a*i*n @ @ | | -|18| G || _more_----|@|---- | | -|19| M || _rain_ @ @ @ hit | It iz the suprizes ov life that | -|20| T || @ _wind_ @ Able @ | add most to our plezzures; one | -|21| W || _southy_ § now | man iz suprized with a legacy | -|22| T || @ _butiful_ sot @ | from a ritch unkle, another, that | -|23| F || : : _weather_ : : | the old spekled hen haz just cum | -|24| S || : h : e : n : s : | off the nest, with 27 chickens. | -|25| G || _more_ @ @ @ Gen. | | -|26| M || @--@ _cooler_ @--@ | | -|27| T || @ Grant @ | * * * * * | -|28| W || _w_*_i_*_n_*_d_----§@ | | -|29| T || waz @ _north_ @ a | Gamblers, nor infidels, havn't | -|30| F || @ _it_ @ _rains_ @ | faith enuff in their profeshions, to| -|31| S || a @ _wet_ @ tanner | teach it to their children. | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ - - -_THE BEAN._ - -Next to rhy bread, beans hav been called by the poets, and philosphers -the cumfort, and staff ov life. The bean iz all food, thare iz no more -waste in them, than thare iz in a pint ov cold water, when a man iz -auphull dry. Beans are all colors, and most shapes, flat, round, oblong, -square, and 3 cornered, and a quart ov them put into a pot, and biled 2 -hours, will meazzure a gallon, and a haff, when they cum out. This makes -them a better dividend paying seed than enny thing we kno ov. Beans are -az old az Esau, he sold out for bean porridge. Beans gro on the jump, -and thare aint but phew things that kan beat a bean klimbing a pole. I -luv beans, but dont hanker for them. But beans, and me wont quarrell. -Baked beans are a grate necessity in Nu England, and not to hav a -platter ov them for Sunday dinner, iz lookt upon thare az being stuck-up -to the neighbors. One ov the old blue laws ov Massachusetts waz, "_thou -shalt eat baked beans on Sunday._" I kan remember now ov eating baked -beans, and rhy, and injun bread every Sunday, when i waz a boy, and -luving it, bekauze i waz obliged to. - - -_EXAMINE._ - -The happyest time in enny ones life, iz the fust 20 minnitts after they -hav had an akeing tooth jerkt out. - - * * * * * - -Imaginashun never filled a man's stummak yet, yu kant git pork, and -beans, by dreaming about them. - - - - -30 Days. JUNE. 1879. - - [Illustration: CANCER, THE KRAB. - - _A Shell-Fish--pretty mutch all shell_] - -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -|@ | @ || _The Slate._ | _BLOSSOMS._ | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -| 1| G || @ _Hottish_ @ _now_ | | -| 2| M || A-b-e-l @ @ @ | Yu kan possibly argy a man | -| 3| T || @ _so_ @ _peas_ @ | out ov hiz religion, but you kant | -| 4| W || @ @ Young @ @ | out ov the color ov hiz nektye, | -| 5| T || _rainy_ @ departed | or the squeeze ov hiz boots. | -| 6| F || @ _wind_ @ 1851 @ | | -| 7| S || @ _Easty_ @ Abel @ | | -| 8| G || _hotter_ @ @ died | * * * * * | -| 9| M || @ _it_ @ _rains_ @ | | -|10| T || young @ _cooler_ @ @ | | -|11| W || @ @ aged @ _warm_ | Luv between wimmin iz impossible, | -|12| T || @ 16 @ now @ | even friendship iz only praktikabel.| -|13| F || _thunder_ @@@ the | | -|14| S || @ lam @ Sampson @ | | -|15| G || @ sporteth @ waz @ | * * * * * | -|16| M || @ @ _litening_ @ @ | | -|17| T || | | -|18| W || @ a @ strengthy @ | | -|19| T || _more_ @ @ @ _hot_ | Thare iz nothing so skarse az | -|20| F || @ man @ Judith @ | originality, even an original phool | -|21| S || _wetty_ @ Ferguson | would be a grate relief just now. | -|22| G || @ _cooler_ marrid @ | | -|23| M || @ _big_ @ _warmth_ | | -|24| T || @1846@ now | | -|25| W || _wind_ @@@ bild | * * * * * | -|26| T || @@ _Easty_ bokays @@ | | -|27| F || _cooler_ @ Columbus | | -|28| S || @ _it_ @ _rains_ @ | The man who never makes | -|29| G || found @ _hotter_ @ | enny blunders iz a very nice piece | -|30| M || @ @ @ Amerika | ov masheenery,--that's all. | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ - - -_QUESTIONS AND REPLIZE._ - -Q.--What iz the best religious kreed to hav? - -A.--Charity. If a man will swop off all the religious kreed he haz got -on hand, and invest the proceeds in charity, he will allwus be proud ov -the job. - - * * * * * - -Q.--Will yu pleze define an Enthuziast? - -A.--An Enthuziast iz a party who beleaves about 4 times az mutch az he -kan prove, and who kan prove about 4 times az mutch az ennyboddy else -beleaves. - - * * * * * - -Q.--What three things hav dun the most to civilize the world? - -A.--The Bible, the looking-glass, and the muskett - - * * * * * - -Q.--Whitch iz the most reddy animile? - -A.--The mule--they alwuss sleep standing, so to be on hand when the -kiking begins to flow. - - * * * * * - -Q.--What iz the quikest food on reckord? - -A.--The oyster on the haff shell--they kan be et sitting, standing, or -on the run. - - - - -31 Days. JULY. 1879. - - [Illustration: LEO, THE LION. - - _Strayed or Stolen.--Return to P. T. Barnum._] - - -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -|@ | @ || _The Slate._ | _RAINBOWS._ | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -| 1| T || @ _Grate warmth_ | | -| 2| W || the @ _sighns_ @ | I never tri to settle other peoples | -| 3| T || @ --hog _ov_ -- @ | quarrells, i hav seen men tri | -| 4| F || _*l*i*t*e*n*i*n*g*_ | to do this, and git badly whipt bi | -| 5| S || panteth @ @ @ | both partys. | -| 6| G || @ @ @ now @ _hotter_ | | -| 7| M || dig -- @ @ @ -- _more_ | * * * * * | -| 8| T || @ _hotter_ @ for @ | | -| 9| W || _it_ @ @ @ _rains_ | Hunting for happiness iz like | -|10| T || @ ice @ Bill @ | hunting for hen's eggs away under | -|11| F || _wind_ -- @ -- Purdy | the barn, after yu hav fonnd | -|12| S || @ _south_ quit @ | them, haff the time yu find they | -|13| G || _mulch_ @ @ @ @ 1822 | are addled. | -|14| M || | | -|15| T || @ _t.h.u.n.d.e.r_ @ | * * * * * | -|16| W || Bill @ @ @ _hottish_ | | -|17| T || ---- had ---- | | -|18| F || _litening_ @ @ @ @ | Thare iz lots ov people in this | -|19| S || @ @ the heart | world who say they haint got | -|20| G || @ _it_ @ _rains_ | enny faith in a heaven or hell | -|21| M || @ @ ailment @ @ | and yet they hav got faith enuff | -|22| T || George :@.:::@.: | to invest their last dollar in a | -|23| W || @ _more_ @ _rain_ @ | lottery ticket, or a bottle ov quak | -|24| T || :::: * Washington | medisin. | -|25| F || @ _windy_ @ fit @ | | -|26| S || _cooler_ @ @ @ into | * * * * * | -|27| G || @ @ @ _bright_ @ @ @ | | -|28| M || the @ @ revolushun | | -|29| T || @ _very_ @ @ _now_ | I kno ov men whoze word iz | -|30| W || -- @ _hot keep_ @ -- | better than their bond, these are | -|31| T || _litening_ * @ * _cool_| the knight errants ov honesty. | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ - - -_THE GORRILLA._ - -The gorrilla iz a free-born citizen ov Western Afrika, and in point ov -intilekt, averages well with the rest ov the natives. They are about 5 -foot 3 in hight, and hav got a sanguine temper, wuss than a fish womans. -I never saw but one gorrilla, and he waz not filled with life, but waz -filled with straw. I dont want to see another, it weakens mi respekt for -mi ansesstors. They are four legged, and kan walk purpendikular, or -horizontal, but when they do walk uprite, they are the wust looking -relashuns we hav. They liv alone, and are more terrible in a ruff and -tumble fite, than enny person that livs. I hav allwuss wondered whi sum -one didn't import one into this country, and match him for 2 thousand -dollars to fite in a ring. I am oppozed to ring battles, but when this -skirmish takes place, i want to be there, and bet my patrimony on to the -gorrilla. May the best man win. The gorrilla haz a good appetight, for -one that haint been kultivated, and will eat enny thing he kan ketch, -from a coloured brother to an anakondy The gorrilla iz no doubt good for -sumthing, but what that iz i kant tell, nor dont want to know. Farewell -yu auphull, ugly, mizerable kuss. - -The end ov the gorrilla. - - -_WEIGH._ - -The devil holds poor kards, but he allwuss plays them mighty well. - - * * * * * - -A man with a very small hed iz like a pin without enny, very apt to git -into things beyond hiz depth. - - - - -31 Days. AUGUST. 1879. - - [Illustration: VIRGO, THE VIRGIN, - - _Sweet 16 (sub rosa 38)._] - -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -|@ | @ || _The Slate._ | _DRIPLETS._ | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -| 1| F || @ _Big_ Sam @ | | -| 2| S || _shower_ @@ Loyd | Mules are like sum men, after | -| 3| G || @_heaty_ @ born@ | yu hav studdid their karakter for | -| 4| M || _mutch_ --II-- _wet_ | 5 years cluss, the best thing yu | -| 5| T || @ 1820 @ now @ | kan do, is to git an average on | -| 6| W || _wind_ @ @ @ hive | them. | -| 7| T || @ _sou_ * _east_ * @ | | -| 8| F || bees @ h-o-n-e-s-t-y | * * * * * | -| 9| S || @ _more_ @ _hot_ @ | | -|10| G || | Thare aint nothing so cheap | -|11| M || ---- iz @ the ---- | az bad spellin, and if it iz sutch | -|12| T || _thund r_ @ @ @ best | an element of suckcess az sum | -|13| W || @ _and_ @ policy @ | shrewd kriticks hav diskovered, | -|14| T || _litening_ @ @ Moses | they owe it to their airs, and | -|15| F || @ wind @ and @ | assines, to adopt it at once, and | -|16| S || _l-i-g-h-t_ @ A-a-r-o-n| bekum ritch and famus | -|17| G || @ _hard_ @ were @ | | -|18| M || _shower_ @ @ @ near | | -|19| T || @ _now_ - nabors @ | * * * * * | -|20| W || _mix_ @ @ @ _grate_ | | -|21| T || @ _juleps_ @ _heat_ @ | No man haz ever yet bekum | -|22| F || K*a*t*e @ _w_*_e_*_t_ | so wize az to kno how mutch he | -|23| S || @ Davis @ _kloudy_ @ | luvs himself, and how little hiz | -|24| G || died @ _windy_ @ @ @ | nabor. | -|25| M || @@ 1849 @ Robert | | -|26| T || @ _big_ @ Burns @ | * * * * * | -|27| W || @ @ _hot_ @ waz | | -|28| T || _more_ @ a @ @ | -- | It iz quite common to meet | -|29| F || @_c*o*o*l*e*r_@ | people who hav more religion, | -|30| S || -II-ploughman-II- | and even morality, than they hav | -|31| G || @@ _it_ @ _rains_ @@ | common sense. | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ - - -_QUESTIONS, AND ANSWERS._ - -Q.--When iz the right time to marry? - -A.--Enny whare between 21, and ninety-four years. - -Q.--What iz a woman's chief joy in this world? - -A.--Her own or sumboddy else's baby. - -Q.--Which iz the most diffident, and humbel kritter amung the animals? - -A.--A bobtailed kat, probberbly. - -Q.--How menny yards ov 5 dollar silk duz it take to make a dress. - -A.--I dont kno, but it allwuss takes 2 yards and a haff more than yu buy -the fust time. - -Q.--What do mankind gennerally take the most pride in? - -A.--In sumthing their nabors haint got, nor kant git. - -Q.--What two persons in the whole congregashun, need the clusset -watching? - -A.--A praying pollytisian, and an offishus deakon. - -Q.--How iz the best way to git rid ov kokroaches? - -A.--Sell out yure house, and lot, and jine the gipseys. - -Q.--What cums the nearest to makeing a woman sware? - -A.--To hav her clothes line brake when it iz full ov a Monday's washing. - -Q.--Which iz the two most thankless jobs in this world? - -A.--To keep skool, and be an undertaker. - -Q.--How do yu define experience? - -A.--Experience iz the science ov finding out how deep a mill pond iz, by -wading into it, and drowning. - - -_DOUBLETS._ - -I kant help but respekt the heathen, they hav made az good a showing on -their kapital, az the christians hav. - - * * * * * - -Next to the mother in law, cums the Grandmother, to regulate the cook, -the kat, and the baby. - - - - -30 Days. SEPTEMBER. 1879. - - [Illustration: LIBRA, THE SKALES. - - _For full particulars enquire ov E. & T. Fairbanks & Co._] - -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -|@ | @ || _The Slate._ | _HOT STUFF._ | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -| 1| M || @ _Cool_ @ now @ | | -| 2| T || _and_ @ pik @ @ | Yung man studdy politeness, | -| 3| W || @ _kloudy_ @ geese @ | even if yu ask a man for hiz | -| 4| T || Dave @ @ @ _rainy_ | tooth pik, after he haz got dun | -| 5| F || @ Pettibone @ | using it, dont fale to thank him | -| 6| S || _w-i-n-d_ m-a-r-r-i-d | politely for it. | -| 7| G || @ @ _noth_ he @ @ | | -| 8| M || _East_ @ @ @ marrid | * * * * * | -| 9| T || _more_ @ for @ | | -|10| W || @ _wetty_ @ luv | Lasting friendships kan only | -|11| T || @ now @ _cooler_ @ | exist between equals, superiority | -|12| F || chew @ @ @ _more_ | insists upon respekt, and inferior- | -|13| S || @ apples @ _cooler_ @ | ity iz too often apt to excite | -|14| G || ----Solaman---- | pitty. | -|15| M || @ @ @ _slight_ @ | | -|16| T || mutch @ _frost_ @ | * * * * * | -|17| W || | | -|18| T || @ @ wives @ _now_ | If yu want to find out a man's | -|19| F || -- _windy_ @ the -- | tru karakter examin him at home | -|20| S || _warmy_ @ litening | bi the fire side, here he iz the | -|21| G || @ _cool_ @ bug @ | hero ov the ockashun, and iz | -|22| M || _nights_ @ @ @ puts | angelick, or devlish, in spite ov | -|23| T || -- @ _wind_ @ in @ -- | himself. | -|24| W || _southy_ : ---- : an | | -|25| T || @ @ _more_ @ @ | * * * * * | -|26| F || -a-p-p-e-a-r-a-n-c-e- | | -|27| S || _wetful_ -- Gen.@ @ | | -|28| G || @ _windy_ @ Jackson | Thare aint no sutch things az | -|29| M || _wet_ * would @ @ | invenshuns, all things that we hav | -|30| T || -- @ @ sware @ @ -- | are diskoverys. | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ - - -_THE APPLE DUMPLIN._ - -The dumplin are about the natral size ov yure phist, made out ov dough, -and filled with apples. They are served up hot, with sum sweet-tasteing -liniment on them, and are az eazy to struggle with az a sugar-plum. They -aint so good kold az they ought to be. Kold dumplin, and raw potatoe, -eat similar. I never et apple dumplin yet, without thanking the Lord for -that one, and the Landlady for another one. Four apple dumplins, at one -sitting, iz just about mi size. I wish i knu who invented theze -kind-hearted balls, i would like to weep over hiz memory. Punkin pi, and -apple dumplin, hav dun az mutch to civilize man az enny two missionarys -that hav ever lived. Good vittles iz next to good morals enny how. Yu -may talk about virtew az mutch az yu pleze, yu kant never inokulate a -man with virtew fust rate on an empty stummuk. Giv a man four apple -dumplin, with sum good kind ov ointment on them, and after he haz et -them, and they hav settled down to hard pan, yu kan krawl up to him on -either side, with a dose of morality, or even sum new kind of sope, for -taking spots out ov clothes. - - -_A STATEMENT._ - -Thare iz nothing about a man that will outlast a nikname, it will stik -to him, az long az a bobtale will to a dog. - - * * * * * - -Most people repent ov their sins bi thanking God they aint so wicked az -their nabors. - - - [Illustration] - - Thare iz one thing i notiss.--When a man falls down on - the ice, whare the water iz an inch, and a haff deep, he never seems - to feel proud ov the job = - - Josh Billings - - - [Illustration] - - The goose, like sumother folks, haz more politeness than - thare iz enny need ov.--i hav seen them lower their heds, in going - into a barn door, 18 foot high.= - - I hav. Josh Billings - - - - -31 Days. OCTOBER. 1879. - - [Illustration: SCORPIO, THE SKORPION. - - _When the pinch comes, he is thar._] - -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -|@ | @ || _The Slate._ | _WILD FLOWERS._ | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -| 1| W || @ _Frostly_--now | Virtew iz the only standard to | -| 2| T || _winde_ @ ask @ @ | mezzure men, or things by, it iz | -| 3| F || @ _sharp_ @ for | possible to be grate, and devlish | -| 4| S || Jake @ sum @ | at the same time. | -| 5| G || @ -Tanner- @ | | -| 6| M ||nu @ died @ s-i-d-e-r | * * * * * | -| 7| T || @ _cool_ @ Jake @ | | -| 8| W || _wind_ @ waz | Thare iz only one kind ov person | -| 9| T || @ _northy_ @ hit @ | who iz fit to liv in solitude, | -|10| F || _sharp_ @ @ @ | and he iz the one who iz capable | -|11| S || @ @ by @ _frost_ | ov adorning enny posishun in | -|12| G || @ a @ _last_ @ | sosiety. | -|13| M || @ muel @ _night_ @ | | -|14| T || --B-o-n-a-p-a-r-t-- | * * * * * | -|15| W || _kold_ @ @ @ waz | | -|16| T ||% @ % _leaves_ %@% | Thoze who hav real merit are | -|17| F || ov @ @ @ _are_ | the last ones to see it in them- | -|18| S || @ @ french @ @ | selfs, and the fust ones to see it | -|19| G || @ _falling_ @ | in others. | -|20| M || @ p-a-r-i-e-n-t-s @ | | -|21| T || now @ @ @ | * * * * * | -|22| W || @ @ _still_ @ hunt | | -|23| T || _kolder_ @ @ for | If thare ever iz a perfektly | -|24| F || @ _windy_ @ @ @ | happy person found in this | -|25| S || @ @ chesnutts @ | world, it will be the one who haz | -|26| G || @ @ E-v-e @ @ | got but little, and dont want | -|27| M || _more_ § @ § @ § @ | enny thing more. | -|28| T || @ _kold_ @ died @ | | -|29| W || @ Early @ | | -|30| T || | | -|31| F || | | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ - - -_PUNKIN PI._ - -Punkin pi iz the sass ov Nu England. They are vittles and drink, they -are joy on the haff-shell, they are glory enuff for one day, and are -good kold or warmed up. I would like to be a boy again, just for sixty -minnitts, and eat miself phull ov the blessed old mixtur. Enny man who -dont luv punkin pi, wants watching cluss, for he means to do sumthin -mean the fust good chance he kan git. Giv me all the punkin pi i could -eat, when i waz a boy, and i didn't kare whether sunday-skool kept that -day or not. And now that i hav grown up to manhood, and hav run for the -legislature once, and only got beat 856 votes, and am thoroly marrid, -thare aint nothing i hanker for wuss, and kan bury quicker, than -two-thirds ov a good old-fashioned punkin pi, an inch and a halff thik, -and well smelt up, with ginger and nutmeg. Punkin pi iz the oldest -Amerikan beverage i kno ov, and ought to go down to posterity with the -trade mark ov our grandmothers on it; but i am afrade it wont, for it iz -tuff even now to find one that tastes in the mouth at all az they did 40 -years ago. - - -_REMARKS._ - -Noboddy really luvs to be cheated, but it duz seem az tho every one waz -anxious to see how near they could cum to it. - - * * * * * - -The wust tyrant in the world iz the wife ov a henpekt husband. - - - - -30 Days. NOVEMBER. 1879. - - [Illustration: SAGITTARIUS, THE ARCHER. - - _Sarching for the Bulls Eye._] - -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -|@ | @ || _The Slate._ | _FALLING LEAVES._ | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -| 1| S || @ _Chilly_ @ the | Lasting reputashuns are ov a | -| 2| G || _windful_ @ snake | slo growth, the man who wakes | -| 3| M || @ now @ seeks @ | up famus sum morning, iz very | -| 4| T || _puntch_ @ hiz | apt to go to bed sum night and | -| 5| W || @ _fires_ @ den @ | sleep it all off. | -| 6| T || Fred @ @ _kolder_ | | -| 7| F || @ Smith @ _it_ @ @ | * * * * * | -| 8| S || @ _rains_ @ waz @ | | -| 9| G || @ @ _snowy_ @ a @ | Man waz kreated a little lower | -|10| M || _now_ @ @ @ Stage | than the angells, and he haz been | -|11| T || @ _pay_ @ driver @ | a gitting a little lower ever since.| -|12| W || _taxes_ @ @ @ Fred | | -|13| T || @ _now_ @ drove @ | * * * * * | -|14| F || _pay_ @ @ @ from | | -|15| S ||_pew_ Belchertown @ | A man with a very small hed | -|16| G || @ _rent_ @ into | on him iz like a pin without | -|17| M || _now_ @ Boston @ @ | enny, very apt to git into things | -|18| T || @ _visit_ @ _it_ @ | beyond hiz depth. | -|19| W ||_the_ @ @ @ _grows_ | | -|20| T || @ _diskonsolate_ @ | * * * * * | -|21| F || _raw_ @ @ the | | -|22| S || @ _wind_ Siamese @ | I hav seen folks who i thought | -|23| G || _lifts_ @ twins @ | had too mutch propriety, it would | -|24| M || @ _more_ @ hav @ | be a relief to see them do sumthing | -|25| T || _snow_ @ departed | just a little phoolish, once | -|26| W || @ our @ _rainy_ @ | in a while. | -|27| T ||fourfathers @ _hard_ | | -|28| F || @ hav @ _frost_ @ | | -|29| S || gone @ @ alass @ | | -|30| G || | | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ - - -_PERSONALS._ - -⁂ H. J. B.--If the lady with lavender poodle, would like tew swop dogs, -Barney O'Toole iz her man. - -B. O'TOOLE. - - * * * * * - -⁂ D.--Dont menshun it; mum iz the word. Star ov buty, the goose hangeth -hi. - -LOVER. - - * * * * * - -⁂ SWEETNESS.--Virtew iz her own cashier; the violet iz blu; the racoon -haz a bushy tail; man waz made tew mourn; meet me at the pea-nut stand. - -HARROLD. - - * * * * * - -⁂ SPONGKAKE.--Dost luv me? The kold moon listened when yu breathed a vow -in Bridget Costello's ear; dont go back on me Patrik, if thou dost, be -jabbers i will hav satisfackshun. - -BRIDGET. - - * * * * * - -⁂ BILL MUSTACH.--Dont put on airs; how about that box ov 5 cent cigars -yu owe for? Yure wash-woman mourns yure abscence. - -SAM PEEL. - - - - -31 Days. DECEMBER. 1879. - - [Illustration: CAPRICORNUS, THE GOAT. - - _A strong Butter (I don't like strong butter)._] - -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -| | @ || _The Slate._ | _FAG ENDS._ | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ -| 1| M || @ _Bitter_ @ now | | -| 2| T || _k.o-l-d_ @ @ @ set | The world all praze the philo- | -| 3| W || @ _it_ @ _snows_ @ | sophers, but toss their pennys into | -| 4| T || @ @ down @ @ | the caps ov the monkeys. | -| 5| F || @ _kolder_ @ @ @ | | -| 6| S || @ before @ _now_ @ | | -| 7| G || the @ @ @ _drink_ | * * * * * | -| 8| M || @ kitchen @ _hot_ @ | | -| 9| T || _stuff_ @ @ @ @ fire | It iz allwus safe to follow the | -|10| W || @ _more_ @ now @ | religious beleaf that our Mother | -|11| T || _snow_ @ @ @ krak | taught us,--thare never waz a | -|12| F || @ _high_ @ wallnuts @ | Mother yet, who taught her child | -|13| S || _winds_ @ @ @ now | to be an infidel. | -|14| G || @ _big_ @ post @ | | -|15| M || @ @ _s-t-o-r-m_ @ @ | | -|16| T || @ @ Books @ | * * * * * | -|17| W || _sleety_ @ @ @ now | | -|18| T || @ _more_ @ read @ | | -|19| F || @ @ _stormy_ @ @ | Employment iz the grate boon | -|20| S || A§l§l§m§i§n§a§x | ov life, a man with nothing to do, | -|21| G || @ _now it thaws_ @ | iz not haff so interesting, az a | -|22| M || sing @ _kolder_ @ @ | ripening turnip. | -|23| T || @ @ psalms @ now | | -|24| W || @ _snow_ @ @ Eat @ | | -|25| T || @ @ @ @ pork | * * * * * | -|26| F || @ _feet_ @ _and_ @ | | -|27| S || @ _d*e*e*p_ @ @ @ | | -|28| G || @ @ @ _beans_ | Sarkasm iz a keen weapon, but | -|29| M || Good @ Bye | in handling it, menny people take | -|30| T || @ @ Boys @ @ | holt ov the blade, insted of the | -|31| W || Yours, @ @ @ J. B. | handle. | -+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+ - - - * * * * * - * * * * * - - - - -ECCENTRICITIES OF GENIUS - -By Major J. B. Pond. - -READ WHAT IS SAID OF IT. - - "It is distinctly one of the most interesting books of the year - from any point of view."--_Rochester Sunday Herald._ - - "It is many a day since I have read so fascinating a book of - reminiscences. Many a day--or perhaps I should have said a - 'night'--for this volume has given me delight during hours, when, - according to the laws of nature, I should have been - asleep."--_Neweil Dwight Hillis._ - - "One of the most simple, naive and straightforward books ever - written. It fairly reeks with personality.... No man living has had - such interesting association with so many interesting - people."--_Home Journal._ - - "Adorned by many pictures, never before published."--_Detroit - Journal._ - - "Possesses unparalleled attractions."--_Boston Journal._ - - "Major Pond goes deep into his subject, tarnishing pen-portraits - that are admirably clear and graphic."--_The Mail and Express._ - - The whole book, stuffed as it is with anecdotes and extracts from - personal letters, is marvelously interesting."--_Boston - Transcript._ - - "All the world loves a teller of stories, and readers will surely - take approvingly to the man who gives them so much of entertaining - reading as is found in Major Pond's 600 pages of bright personal - description."--_N. Y. Times._ - - "Shining by reflected light, its pages literally teem with - interesting anecdotes of many sorts."--_Chicago Evening Post._ - - "Originality stamps the volume, copiously illustrated with - portraits."--_The Boston Globe._ - - "It has a thousand charms, and a thousand points of interest. It is - full of striking gems of thought, rare descriptions of men and - places, biographical bits that delight one by their variety, and - the distinction of those alluded to. From a literary view it is as - interesting as Disraeli's famous "Curiosities of - Literature."--_Philadelphia Item._ - - "If any more charming and interesting book has appeared this - season, it has not come to our notice. The get-up is worthy of the - matter of the book."--_Philadelphia Evening Telegraph._ - -It is a handsome octavo volume, 5-3/4 x 8-3/4 inches, of 620 pages, with -nearly 100 half-tone portrait illustrations. Beautifully bound in -English silk cloth, with gold stamp on side, gilt top. At all -Bookstores. $3.50. - - - - -THE VOYAGE OF ITHOBAL - -BY - -SIR EDWIN ARNOLD - - -Ithobal was the first African explorer we know about. He was a sea -captain of Tyre, who rescued and married an African Princess, and then -induced the King of Egypt to put him in charge of a voyage of -exploration of the wonderful land of his wife's birth. - -After a voyage of fifteen thousand miles around Africa, he returns after -numerous and exciting adventures, which bring out almost every feature -of African life and scenery. Ithobal relates the story of his enterprise -in a discourse of seven days before the throne of Pharaoh, who crowns -him with honors. - - SIR HENRY M. STANLEY, in a letter to the author, says of it:--"You - have added greatly to the happiness of many of your race by the - production of so unique a poem, so rich in the beauties of the - sweet English language." - -Other able critics who have read the blind poet's new epic poem unite in -calling it even better than the old favorite, "The Light of Asia." - -_12mo, Cloth, Gilt Top. Illustrated from 36 drawings by Arthur Lumley. -$1.50_ - - - - -=EQUAL PARTNERS. By Howard Fielding.= - - By HOWARD FIELDING. "This is a thoroughly enjoyable detective - story, written in good, crisp style, and with a decided surprise in - the last pages. It is adroitly contrived that almost every - character in the book shall be suspected of the crime of attempted - murder before the actual culprit is discovered. The characters are - excellently differentiated, and the story is vastly diverting, nor - are there any repulsive features about the book. It is a stirring - tale and will enliven a dull evening successfully."--_Chicago - Tribune_. Illustrated. Cloth bound. - -$1.25 - - - - -=DORIS KINGSLEY, Child and Colonist.= - - By EMMA RAYNER, author of "Free to Serve," "In Castle and Colony," - etc. This story of the South in the first half of the eighteenth - century, opens with one of the strangest episodes in the early - history of South Carolina--the pursuit and capture by the Governor - of Carolina of a pirate vessel, full, not of treasure, but of - English men and women; and the selling of those same unfortunate - voyagers as bond servants in the colony. Doris Kingsley, a child - stolen from the streets of London, is the youngest of the party, - and is the heroine of the story. Doris Kingsley is a novel of - absorbing interest, dramatic and historically true. Illustrated. - Cloth bound. - -$1.50 - - - - -=OLD JED PROUTY (A Narrative of the Penobscot).= - - By RICHARD GOLDEN and MARY C. FRANCIS. 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"It has the dash and tinge of reality that makes - you feel as if you were in the midst of it all."--_Detroit Free - Press._ - - "The many readers who followed with bated breath the wild - adventures of Captain Kettle in the book named for him, will - welcome Cutcliffe Hyne's new collection of tales dealing with that - remarkable sea dog. The volume is well called 'A Master of - Fortune.'"--_Philadelphia Press._ - - "Nobody who has followed the gallant sailor--diminutive, but oh, - my!--in his previous adventures around the earth, is going to miss - this red-hot volume of marvelous exploits."--_N. Y. World._ - Illustrated. Cloth bound. - -$1.50 - - - - -=THE ADVENTURES OF CAPTAIN KETTLE.= - - By CUTCLIFFE HYNE. The best sea story since the days of Marryat. - Captain Kettle is a devil-may-care sea dog, half pirate and half - preacher. The author carries him through many hairbreadth escapes - and makes him a character that will live long in the annals of - fiction. The success of this book is marvelous. Over 80,000 copies - have been sold. Illustrated. Cloth bound. - -$1.50 - - - - -=THE MULLIGANS. A Novel.= - - By EDWARD HARRIGAN. The _New York World_ says: "Mr. Harrigan gave - to his Mulligan dramas the most distinctly typical character plays - which have ever been seen on the native stage. They were studied - and displayed straight from the life of New York and their - popularity was unbounded. - - His book is one of the most generally interesting of the new - season's output." - - _It is a marvelously entertaining novel, possessing a keenness of - wit and humor unsurpassed by any recent work. All the characters - stand out, as true to life, as natural and as vivid as if portrayed - by Dickens_. 12mo. Cloth bound. Illustrated. Price, - -$1.50 - - - - -=NORMAN HOLT, a Story of the Army of the Cumberland.= - - By GENERAL (Capt.) CHARLES KING. "No more charming historic war - story has ever been written. 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