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diff --git a/40180-0.txt b/40180-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..a48c72b --- /dev/null +++ b/40180-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,3548 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 40180 *** + +Note: Images of the original pages are available through + the the Google Books Library Project. See + http://books.google.com/books?vid=r39ZsXIeqdUC&id + + + + + +THE WORKS OF MRS. AMELIA OPIE; + +Complete in Three Volumes. + +VOLUME III. + + + + + + + +Philadelphia: +Crissy & Markley, No. 4 Minor St. +1848. + +Printed by T. K. & P. G. Collins. + + + + +CONTENTS OF THIRD VOLUME. + + + PAGE + + TEMPER 5 + + A WOMAN'S LOVE 175 + + A WIFE'S DUTY; being a continuation of a Woman's Love 209 + + THE TWO SONS 269 + + THE OPPOSITE NEIGHBOUR 300 + + LOVE, MYSTERY, AND SUPERSTITION 321 + + AFTER THE BALL; OR, THE TWO SIR WILLIAMS 363 + + FALSE OR TRUE; OR, THE JOURNEY TO LONDON 375 + + THE CONFESSIONS OF AN ODD-TEMPERED MAN 394 + + ILLUSTRATIONS OF LYING, IN ALL ITS BRANCHES: + + CHAP. I.--Introduction 414 + + CHAP. II.--On the Active and Passive Lies of Vanity--The + Stage Coach--Unexpected Discoveries 415 + + CHAP. III.--On the Lies of Flattery--The Turban 427 + + CHAP. IV.--Lies of Fear--The Bank-Note 431 + + CHAP. V.--Lies falsely called Lies of Benevolence--A + Tale of Potted Sprats--An Authoress and her + Auditors 434 + + CHAP. VI.--Lies of Convenience--Projects Defeated 437 + + CHAP. VII.--Lies of Interest--The Screen 441 + + CHAP. VIII.--Lies of First-Rate Malignity--The Orphan 445 + + CHAP. IX.--Lies of Second-Rate Malignity--The Old + Gentleman and the Young One 451 + + CHAP. X.--Lies of Benevolence--Mistaken Kindness--Father + and Son 455 + + CHAP. XI.--Lies of Wantonness and Practical Lies 465 + + CHAP. XII.--Our own Experience of the Painful Results + of Lying 467 + + CHAP. XIII.--Lying the most common of all Vices 470 + + CHAP. XIV.--Extracts from Lord Bacon, and others 471 + + CHAP. XV.--Observations on the Extracts from Hawkesworth + and others 478 + + CHAP. XVI.--Religion the only Basis of Truth 480 + + CHAP. XVII.--The same subject continued 491 + + Conclusion 493 + + + + +A WOMAN'S LOVE, AND A WIFE'S DUTY. + + + + +You command, and I obey: still, so conscious am I of the deceitfulness +of the human heart, and especially of my own, that I am doubtful whether +I am not following the dictates of self-love, when I seem to be actuated +by friendship only; as you have repeatedly assured me, that the story of +my life will not alone _amuse_ and _interest_ you, but also hold up to +an injudicious and suffering friend of yours, a salutary example of the +patient fulfilment of a _wife's duty_. + +There is something very gratifying to one's self-love, in being held up +as an example: but _remember_, I beg, that while to oblige you I draw +the veil from past occurrences, and live over again the most trying +scenes of my life, I think myself more a warning than an example; and +that, if I exhibit in any degree, that difficult and sometimes painful +task--the fulfilment of a wife's duty--I at the same time exhibit the +rash and dangerous fervour of a _Woman's Love_. + +I must begin my narrative, by a short account of my progenitors. + + + + +INTRODUCTION. + + +My grandfather and the grandfather of Seymour Pendarves were brothers, +and the younger sons of a gentleman of ancient family and large +possessions in the county of Cornwall; some of whose paternal ancestors +were amongst the first settlers in America. Disappointments, of which I +never heard the detail, and dislike of their paternal home, determined +these young men to leave their native country, and embark for the new +world, where the family had still some land remaining, and on the +improvement of which they determined to spend a sum of money which had +been left them by a relation. They carried out with them, besides money, +_enterprise_, _industry_, _integrity_, and _talents_. After they had +been settled in Long Island three years, they found themselves rich +enough to marry; and the beautiful daughters of an opulent American +farmer became their wives. + +My grandfather had only one child--a son; but his brother had a large +family, of whom, however, one only survived--a son also. These two +cousins were brought up together, and were as much attached to each +other as if they had been brothers. + +Never, as I have been told, was there a scene of greater domestic +happiness, than my grandfather's house exhibited, till death deprived +him of his beloved wife. He did not long survive her; and my uncle soon +afterwards lost her equally-beloved sister, whose health had been +destroyed, first by the fatigue of attendance on her sick children, and +then by grief for their loss. + +George Pendarves, the sad survivor of so many dear ones, now lost his +spirits--lost that energy which had so much distinguished him before; +and he soon sunk under the cessation of those habits of exertion and +temperance, which he had once practised, and, after two or three years +of protracted suffering, died. Thus the two youthful cousins found +themselves both orphans before they had reached the age of twenty. + +They had not inherited their parents' dislike of Europe. On the +contrary, when their fathers imparted to them the learning and the +elegant arts which they had acquired at the university, and in the +society of England, they were impressed with respect and admiration for +the sources whence such precious stores were derived, and resolved to +enter themselves at an English college. + +Accordingly, having put a confidential agent into their farms, they set +sail for the land of their ancestors, and arrived at PENDARVES CASTLE, +the seat of their eldest paternal uncle, who had come into possession of +the estates on the death of his father. + +At this time, my mother and Lady Helen Seymour, the daughter of Lord +Seymour, were both on a visit there. The young Americans had now been +some months expected, and their relations had long been amusing +themselves with conjecturing what these SAVAGES (as they fancied them) +would be like; while they anticipated much pleasure from beholding their +surprise at manners, scenes, and accommodations, so different from their +own. Nor was my mother, though she was their relation, and herself a +Pendarves, less forward than her friend Lady Helen to hold up these +strangers in a ridiculous view to her imagination, and to express an +unbenevolent eagerness for the arrival of the _Yankees_. + +At length, they came; and it was on the evening of a ball, given by Mr. +Pendarves, to celebrate the birth-day of his wife. The dance was begun +before they arrived; and their uncle was called out of the room to +receive them. He went with a heart warmed with fraternal affection, +and yearning towards the representatives of his regretted brothers: +but the emotion became overpowering when he beheld them; for those +well-remembered brothers seemed to stand before him in improved +loftiness of stature, dignity of person, and beauty of feature. From +their mothers, they had inherited that loveliness and symmetry, which so +peculiarly distinguish American women; and in stature they towered even +above their father's family. + +The young men, at the same time, were considerably affected at sight of +Mr. Pendarves, as he reminded them strongly of their parents. While +these endearing recollections were uppermost in their minds, Mr. +Pendarves at first wholly forgot how different his nephews were from the +pictures his laughter-loving family had delighted to draw of them. But +when he did recollect it, he enjoyed the idea of the surprise which +their appearance would occasion. + +Their dress, as well as their manners, bespoke them perfect gentlemen; +but their hair was not yet spoiled by compliance with the fashion of +England at that period; for it curled, uncontaminated by powder, in +glossy clustering ringlets on their open brows. + +Such were the young men who now followed Mr. Pendarves to the apartment +in which his lady received her guests. + +"Dear me! how surprising!" cried that lady, who was very pretty, very +volatile, and very apt to think aloud. "Are these the Yankees? Why, I +protest they look more like Christians than savages, and are like other +people, except that they are much handsomer than other people." + +This last part of her speech made some amends for the first part; but +had she been of a contrary opinion, Mrs. Pendarves would have uttered +it; and the glow of indignation on their cheek was succeeded by that of +gratified vanity, for their hostess added to her compliment, by asking +Mr. Pendarves if he was not quite proud of his nephews. + +He replied in the affirmative, declaring himself impatient to show them +to the assembled family. It was therefore with cheeks dyed with becoming +blushes, and eyes sparkling with delight at the flattering welcome which +they had received, that they followed their uncle to the ball-room, but +at his desire they stopped within the folding-doors, whence they +surveyed the gay groups before them. Mr. Pendarves made his way amongst +the dancers, and accosting his guest, Lady Helen Seymour, and Julia +Pendarves, his niece, told them they must leave the dance a little +while, for he must present to them the _Yankees_, who were just arrived. + +"I will come as soon as I have been down the dance," they both +exclaimed. "But how unfortunate they should come to-night! for what can +we do with them in a fine party like this? because," said Julia, "though +they may do to laugh at in our own family circle, one should not like to +see one's relations supply subjects for laughter to other people." + +The dance was now beginning, and Mr. Pendarves, smiling sarcastically as +he listened to his niece, allowed her to dance to the bottom of it, +secretly resolving that she should now _ask_ him for that introduction +which she had thus delayed; and in the meanwhile he amused himself with +watching for the first moment when Lady Helen and Julia should discover +the two strangers, which he knew they could not fail to do, as the dance +down which they were now going, fronted the folding-doors. + +Mr. Pendarves did not watch long in vain; Lady Helen and her companion +saw them at the same instant, and were so struck with their appearance, +that they were out in the figure, and wondered to their partners, who +those strangers could be. + +"I cannot think," replied one of the gentlemen; "but they look like +brothers, and are the finest and handsomest men I ever saw." + +"Julia," whispered Lady Helen, "Is it possible these can be your Yankee +cousins? If so, I am so ashamed." + +"And so am I; and do look at my uncle, he is laughing at us." + +"Oh, it must be they, I am so shocked!" + +When they reached the bottom of the dance, they vainly looked towards +Mr. Pendarves; he cruelly kept aloof. The strangers turned, however, +eagerly round at hearing some one behind them address another by the +name of Miss Pendarves. + +Their glowing cheeks, their animated looks, were not lost on their +equally conscious observers, and Mr. Pendarves now good-naturedly came +forward to put a stop to this embarrassing dumb show, by presenting the +cousins to each other, and then introducing them to Lady Helen. + +You remember my mother, and you have seen a picture of Lady Helen; you +will not wonder, therefore, that the sudden admiration which Lady Helen +felt that evening for George Pendarves, and my mother for Charles, was +as warmly returned. It even seemed that their attachment foreran that of +their lovers, for the cousins went to college without disclosing their +love. On their return, however, finding the dangerous objects whom they +meant to avoid still at Pendarves, they ventured to make their +proposals; and unsanctioned by parental authority, Lady Helen and my +mother accepted the vows of their lovers, and pledged theirs in return. + +I shall pass over the consequent misery which they underwent, and simply +state that the two friends were at last so hurried away by their +romantic affection, that they allowed the cousins to carry them to +Gretna Green; and that after the ceremony they embarked from the nearest +Scotch port for America. + +At first Lady Helen was too happy in the new ties which she had formed, +to feel much sorrow or much compunction when she remembered those which +she had broken. But when she became a parent herself, and learnt the +feelings of a mother, she thought with agonizing regret on the pains +which she had inflicted on her own, and in the bitterness of awakened +remorse, she supplicated to be forgiven. The answer to this letter was +sealed with black, and was in the hand of her father! It was as follows: + + "Your mother is dead, and it was your disobedience which killed + her. Expect, therefore, no forgiveness from me. + + "SEYMOUR." + +A fever of the brain was the consequence of this terrible stroke, and +her life was despaired of. In the agonies therefore of anxious +affection, George Pendarves wrote to Lord Seymour, retorting on him his +own blow, for he told him that his letter had _killed Lady Helen_. + +The wretched husband inflicted as much pain as he intended; for Lady +Helen, however faulty, was Lord Seymour's _favourite_ child--his only +daughter; and the next letters from America were expected with trembling +anxiety. The information, therefore, that Lady Helen was better, was +_received_ with gratitude, though it did not procure an offer of +forgiveness. + +My mother, though not quite such a culprit as Lady Helen, because she +was one of many daughters, left an aged grandmother and an affectionate +uncle with whom she lived; but the former pronounced her forgiveness +before she breathed her last, and suffered the will to remain in force +in which he had left her a handsome legacy. Nor was her uncle himself +slow to pronounce her pardon. She therefore had no drawbacks on her +felicity but the sight of Lady Helen's constant dejection, which was so +great that my father thought it right to make an effort to procure her +the comfort of Lord Seymour's pardon. + +The troubles in America were now on the eve of breaking out, for it was +the year 1772; and the joy of my birth was considerably damped to my +affectionate parents by the increasing agitation of the country. But +George Pendarves was too miserable and too indignant to write himself; +he therefore gladly deputed my father to write for him. While they were +impatiently awaiting the reply, they both busied themselves in politics, +in order to escape from domestic uneasiness; and though undetermined +which side to take, they were considerably inclined to espouse the cause +of the mother country, when Lord Seymour's answer arrived, in which he +offered Lady Helen and her husband his entire forgiveness, on condition +that the latter took part against the rebels, as he called them, and +accepted a commission in the English army, which would soon be joined by +his son, Colonel Seymour. + +It is impossible to say which at this trying moment was the governing +motive of George Pendarves,--whether it was chiefly political +conviction, or whether he was influenced insensibly by the wish of +conciliating his father-in-law, in order to restore peace to the mind of +the woman whom he adored; but certain it is that this letter hastened +his decision, and that my father, who loved him as a brother, coincided +with him in that decision, and resolved to share his destiny. + +Accordingly, both the cousins _accepted_ commissions in the British +army; and when Colonel Seymour met his brother-in-law at head-quarters, +he presented to him a letter from his father, containing a fervent +blessing for Lady Helen and himself. + +The husband and the brother soon after obtained permission to visit the +one his wife, and the other his sister; and something resembling peace +of mind, on one subject at least, returned to the patient Lady Helen, +while with a mother's pride she put into the arms of her brother her +only child, Seymour Pendarves, to whom, unpermitted, she had given the +name of her family, and who was then seven years old. But now a _new_ +source of anxiety was opened upon her. Her husband was become a soldier, +and she had to fear for his life; nor was she in a state to follow him +to battle, as she would otherwise have done, because she had lately been +confined with a dead child. My mother was in this respect more +fortunate; for she was able to accompany her husband to the seat of war, +and she persisted to do so, though both my father and his cousin +earnestly wished her to stay with Lady Helen and myself, I being at that +period only two years old. + +But my mother had set up her husband as the only idol whom she was +called upon to worship, and before that idol she bowed down in +singleness of adoration; nor could the inconvenience to which her +resolution exposed him at all shake her constancy. She was equally +insensible also to the anxiety which her leaving Lady Helen at such a +time occasioned, both to the husband and the brother of that amiable +being. + +The reply of, "It is my duty to accompany my husband as long as I can," +silenced all objections from others, and all the whisperings of her own +affectionate heart; and she tore herself away, though not without +considerable pain, from the embrace of her friend, and committed me to +her maternal care. + +Dreadful was the moment of separation between Lady Helen and her +husband: but the former bore it better than the latter; for, as her mind +was impressed with the idea that she had deserved her afflictions, she +believed that by patient submission to the divine will, she could alone +show her sense of the error which she had committed. Yet, independently +of the violence thus done to the enjoyment of affections, it was +impossible for a feeling heart and a reflective mind to contemplate that +awful moment without agony--that moment, when brother was about to arm +against brother--when men speaking the same language, and hitherto +considering themselves as subjects of the same king, were marching in +dread array against each other, and breathing the vows of vengeance +against those endeared to them perhaps by habits of social intercourse +and the interchange of good offices. Such was the scene now exhibited at +Lexington, in the April of 1775; for there the _first_ blood was spilt +in the American contest. + +In that hour of deadly strife, my mother's trial was not equal to Lady +Helen's; for she could linger around the fatal field, she could ask +questions of stragglers from the army, and her daily suspense would end +with every day; while other anxious wives around her, by sharing, +soothed her uneasiness. But Lady Helen was in a sick chamber, surrounded +by servants and by objects of interest which only served to heighten her +distress; for, as she gazed upon her son and her charge, she knew not +but that she was gazing at that moment upon fatherless orphans. There is +certainly no comparison in strength between the uneasiness which can +vent itself in _exertion_, and that which is obliged by circumstances to +remain in _inaction_. + +But not at the battle of Lexington was the heart of Lady Helen doomed to +bleed. Her husband escaped unwounded, and once more he returned to her +and to his children. The interview was indeed short, but it was a source +of comfort to Lady Helen, which ended but with her life. His looks--his +words of love during that meeting, were treasured up with even a miser's +care; for, after their parting embrace--after that happy interview, they +_never met more_. + +George Pendarves fell in the next decisive battle, which was fought near +his residence. By desire of his afflicted brother, the body was conveyed +to his own house, which was near to that of the unconscious widow. The +bearers mistook their orders, and conveyed it home. Lady Helen, who was +at that moment teaching me my letters, after having set Seymour his +lesson, broke off to listen to an unusual noise of feet in the hall; +then gently opening the door, she leaned over the baluster to discover +the cause. Young as I was, never can I forget the shriek she uttered, +which told she had _discovered it_! while, wildly rushing down stairs, +she threw herself upon the bloody corse. We, echoing her cry, followed +her in helpless terror; but fear and horror were my only feelings. Poor +Seymour, on the contrary, was old enough to take in the extent of the +misery, and I yet hear his fond and fruitless exclamations of "Papa! +dear papa!" and his vain, but still repeated supplication, that he would +open his eyes and speak to him. + +Lady Helen now neither screamed, nor spoke, nor wept; but she sat in the +_silent desolation_ of her soul on the couch by the body of Pendarves, +with eyes as fixed and even as rayless as his. There was a something in +this still grief which seemed to awe the by-standers into stillness +also. No hand was lifted to remove _her_ from the _body_, nor the _body_ +from _her_. The only sounds of life were the _sobs of Seymour_, for my +cries had been checked by alarm and the groans of the compassionate +witnesses, or the grief of the servants. But this state of feeling could +not last long, and I remember that Seymour destroyed it; for, looking +terrified by his mother's changed countenance, he threw his arms +passionately around her, conjuring her not to look so terribly, but to +take him on her lap, and speak to him. The attendants now came up to +take her away; but she resisted all their efforts with the violence of +frenzy, till she sank exhausted into their arms, and could resist no +longer. The month that ensued was a blank in the existence of Lady +Helen: that pressure on the brain from which she had suffered so much +before returned, and delirium, ending in insensibility, ensued. When +consciousness was restored, her feelings of humble piety and deep +contrition returned with it, and kissing the rod which had chastised +her, she resolved for our sakes to struggle with her grief, and enter +again upon a life of usefulness. + +My father meanwhile fought, and my mother followed his fortunes. Once he +was brought wounded to his tent, and she was allowed to nurse him till +he recovered. After that, she had to cross the country, and endure +incredible hardships; but her husband lived, and hardships seemed +nothing to her. + +During this time--a period of two years--I have heard Seymour Pendarves +say, that he dreaded his mother's receiving a letter from the army, +because it made her so wretched. He used to call my father and mother +uncle and aunt; and when, in seeing her affliction, he asked her whether +uncle Pendarves was shot, or aunt Pendarves ill, she was accustomed to +reply, "No--they are indeed sufferers, but have much to be thankful for; +for _he lives_, they are _together_, and SHE IS HAPPY!" + +In the October of 1777, the British army, commanded by General Burgoyne, +under whom my father now served, and held a major's commission, were +obliged to lay down their arms at Saratoga--yet not before my father had +been severely wounded, and taken prisoner. This was a new trial to my +mother's constancy; but her courage and her perseverance seemed to +increase with the necessity for them; and had she wanted any other +incitement to fortitude than her conjugal affection and her sense of +duty, she would have found it in the splendid example of Lady Harriet +Ackland, whose difficulties and dangers, in the performance of a wife's +extremest duty, will ever form a brilliant page in the annals of English +history. + +Some of the dangers and many of the difficulties of Lady Harriet, had +been endured by my mother, but had ended in her being allowed to share +the prison of my father; when, on the surrender of General Burgoyne's +army, the officers were allowed to return on their parole to England. + +My father, therefore, was glad to hasten to that spot from choice, to +which he might be ultimately driven by necessity; and my mother, who +never liked America, was rejoiced to return to the dear land of her +birth. Lady Helen, meanwhile, had undergone another sorrow; but one +which, during its progress, had given a new interest to life. Her +brother, Colonel Seymour, had been desperately wounded at the beginning +of the year 1777, and had been conveyed in a litter to the house of his +widowed sister. + +Had the wounds of Lady Helen's heart ever been entirely closed, this +circumstance would have opened them afresh. "So," she was heard to say, +"would I have nursed and watched over my husband, and tried to restore +him to life; but to go _at once_--no _warning_--no _preparation_! But +God's will be done!" And then she used to resume her quiet seat by the +bedside of her brother; whom, however, neither skill nor tenderness +could restore. He died in her arms, blessing her with his last breath. + +Colonel Seymour was only a younger brother; but having married an +heiress, who died soon after, leaving no child, and bequeathing him in +fee her large fortune, he was a rich man. This fortune, as soon as he +was able to hold his pen, he bequeathed equally between his sister, Lady +Helen, and her son, desiring also that his remains might be sent to +England to be interred in the family vault of his wife. + +I was five years old, when my father and mother returned to us, to +prepare for their departure to England, and to prevail on Lady Helen to +accompany them; and I have a perfect recollection of my feelings at that +moment--or rather, I should say, of my first seeing them; for Seymour +and I were both in bed when they arrived. I have heard since, that my +father's resemblance to his brother awoke in Lady Helen remembrance even +to agony, and that he was not much less affected. I also heard that my +mother soon hastened to gaze upon her sleeping child, and to enjoy the +luxury of being a parent, after having been so long engrossed by the +duty of a wife; for, though she had been confined once during her +perils, her confinement had not added to her family. + +The next morning, I remember to have felt a joy--I could not tell +why--at hearing that my father and mother were come, and that I was both +pleased and pained when Seymour ran into the nursery, screaming out, +"Oh, Ellen! my uncle and aunt are come, and I have seen them; but they +are very ill-looking, poor souls! and my uncle is so lame!" + +"Ill-looking, and my papa lame!" thought I. It was with difficulty the +nurse could prevail on me to obey the summons; and I behaved so ill +when I got to their bedside, that they were glad to send me away. It was +impossible that I could know either of them, they were really so pale +and haggard through fatigue and suffering; and I shrunk frightened and +averse from their embraces. + +True, the name of mother was associated in my mind with all that I best +loved, for by that name I called Lady Helen. But why did I so? Because +she had been to me the tenderest of guardians, and had fulfilled the +duty which my real parent had been forced to resign. On returning to the +nursery, I found Lady Helen, to whom I clung in an agony of tears, +satisfied that _she_ was my _own dear mamma_. + +But when my father and mother were seated at the breakfast-table, and +gave me some of the nice things set before them, I became less averse to +their caresses, and before the day was over, I consented to have one +papa and two mammas, while Seymour assured me he thought my papa, though +_ill_, very handsome, and like his own poor papa. + +At first, Lady Helen shrunk from the idea of returning to England; but +she at length consented, from consideration of the superior advantages +which her two young charges would receive from an English education, and +as it was evidently in conformity to her brother's intention. +Accordingly, in the beginning of the year 1779, we arrived at Liverpool, +bringing with us the bodies of Colonel Seymour and George Pendarves. + +Well was it for Lady Helen that we reached the inn at Liverpool at +night, and that she had some hours of refreshing slumber, to prepare her +for the surprise which awaited her the next day. While she and my +parents were at breakfast the following morning, and Seymour and I were +amusing ourselves with looking out at the window, we saw a very elegant +carriage drive up to the door: our exclamations called Lady Helen to us. + +"What are those pretty things painted on the sides, mamma?" asked +Seymour. + +"An earl's coronet, and supporters to the arms, my dear!" repeated Lady +Helen in a faint voice, and suddenly retreating, as she saw there were +gentlemen in the carriage, who looked up, on hearing the children's +voices. It was her father's. + +Nor had time, suffering, and sickness so altered her beautiful features +as to render them irrecognizable by a father's heart. Catching the arm +of Lord Mountgeorge, his son, who was with him, Lord Seymour exclaimed-- + +"O Frederic! surely I have beheld your sister!" and with trembling limbs +he alighted, and reached the rooms bespoken for him. + +He was on his way from London to the seat of a gentleman near Liverpool, +from whose house he was to proceed to his own place in the North. + +He now sent for the landlord, and begged to know if there were not some +American strangers in the house; and on receiving from him a +confirmation of his suspicions, he desired one of the waiters to tell +Major Pendarves that a gentleman begged to see him. + +On entering the room, Major Pendarves took in silence the hand which the +agitated earl in silence tendered to him. The past and the present +rushed over the minds of both; while Lord Mountgeorge, whose emotion was +less violent, begged the major to prepare his sister to receive them. + +In the meanwhile, Lord Seymour, with his heart full of his lost son, +surveyed with respectful pity the faded cheek and altered form of the +once-blooming Charles Pendarves. + +"You did not look thus when we last met," said he; "but you have +suffered in a noble cause, and you have only lost your _health_." + +Here the lip of the bereaved parent quivered with agitation, and Lord +Mountgeorge turned mournfully away. + +My father then rejoined his party with evident agitation. + +"What new sorrow awaits me?" cried Lady Helen; "for I see it is for me +you are affected, not for yourself." + +"No, my friend; these tears are tears of emotion, but of pleasure also." + +"Pleasure!" + +"Yes: Lord Seymour and your brother are in the next room, and eagerly +long to see you." + +The feelings which now strove for victory in Lady Helen's breast were +too much for her weakened frame to support; and shuddering and panting, +she caught hold of my mother to save herself from falling, while the +scream of the terrified Seymour, as he beheld her nearly fainting on the +sofa, was heard by the anxious expectants, who hastily entered the room. + +Lady Helen, who had not lost her senses, instantly sunk on one knee +before her agitated parent, and pushing her son toward him, desired him +to plead for his unhappy mother. + +"Helen!" cried Lord Seymour, in a voice broken by sobs, "you need no +advocate but my own heart!" and Lady Helen was once more clasped to his +bosom. + +"And is this fine creature my grandson?" said he, gazing with delight on +Seymour, while he kissed his open forehead; then seating himself by his +daughter on the sofa, while Lord Mountgeorge sat by her on the other +side, he drew the wondering boy to his knee. + +My father now presented my mother and myself to Lord Seymour. + +"I am disappointed," said he, civilly: "I hoped, Mrs. Pendarves, that +this lovely girl was my grandchild also." + +This was enough to conciliate my young heart; and I wondered to myself, +I remember, why my Lady mamma should have seemed so sorry at seeing such +a good-natured old gentleman; nor could I conceive why Lord Seymour, as +he kept looking on Lady Helen, should shed so many tears. + +"My poor Helen!" cried he, "your face tells a tale of sad suffering--and +Augustus, too--both gone! But they fought bravely." + +"Ay--but they _died_!" cried Lady Helen, clasping her hands +convulsively. + +"And they shall both have a magnificent monument erected to their +memory, my child," cried Lord Seymour. + +Lady Helen looked gratefully up in her father's face, as he said this. + +Lord Seymour now wrote to his friend, to say that he and his son were +prevented paying him the promised visit; and the next day we all set +forward for the seat of Lord Seymour. + +I forbear to describe poor Lady Helen's feelings when we reached Seymour +Park, and what she endured, when she visited, at her own family vault, +the remains of her beloved mother, after she had seen her husband and +brother interred in that of the _latter_. But she had the consolation of +knowing that Lord Seymour's resentment had made him unjust, as a mortal +malady had long been preying on her existence. + +Having only visited Seymour Park in order to witness the funeral +solemnities, my father and mother soon took their leave, and, to my +great agony, insisted that I should accompany them on their projected +visit to Pendarves Castle, and also to my grandfather and grandmother; +and I well recollect the violent sorrow which I experienced when I was +torn from Seymour and Lady Helen. I was told, however, that I should +certainly come back to them, and not soon leave them again; and that +pacified me. Indeed, it was my father's intention to settle near Lady +Helen Pendarves, who meant to fit up a cottage in her park for their +residence. + +When my father and his cousin first came over to England, they had found +some property due to them in right of their father's will. This property +was vested in the English funds, and there it had remained untouched, +both principal and interest, for eight years. During this period, it had +accumulated so much as to be sufficient for us to live upon, should the +event of the war be such as to cause the confiscation of our American +estates; and my mother had also to receive the legacy bequeathed by her +grandmother. Their present enjoyment, therefore, was not clouded over +(to my parents) by the fear of pecuniary distress; and after their first +arrival at Pendarves Castle, (that scene so fraught with grief in its +results to friends most dear to them,) they looked forward with joyful +anticipations to the future. + +They were speedily joined there by my mother's uncle and her parents. +Thither, too, Lady Helen had at last resolution to venture also; and I +was again united to my brother Seymour, as I always called him. + +On leaving her carriage, Lady Helen desired to be shown to my mother's +apartment, in order to recover herself before she saw the rest of the +family; for she dreaded to encounter the thoughtless Mrs. Pendarves, who +would say things that wounded the feelings in the most susceptible part. + +On the third day, while she was administering a nervous medicine to her +widowed guest, she could not help exclaiming, + +"Poor dear! what will all the physic in the world do for you, cousin +Helen? as the man says in the play-- + + 'What can minister to a mind diseased?' + +And-- + + 'Give physic to the dogs.'" + +Here my mother, with a pathetic look, motioned her to be silent--but in +vain. + +"Nay, my dear Julia!" said she, "I must speak: my dear cousin Helen will +not know else how I have cried and lain awake all night with thinking of +her miseries." + +"She does not doubt your kind sympathy, dear aunt--she does not, +indeed!" + +"But she cannot be sure of it, Mrs. Charles, unless I tell her of it, +and tell her + + 'I cannot. But remember, such folks were, + And were most dear to all.' + +Oh! he had + + ----'An eye like Mars!' + +and that is quite appropriate, you know, as he died in battle. I mean +your poor husband, poor George Pendarves! not your brother--I never saw +him." + +My mother looked aghast. Since the death of George Pendarves, no one had +ever ventured to name him to Lady Helen; + + "But fools rush in where angels dare not tread." + +And Lady Helen hid her face in agonizing surprise on my mother's +shoulder. + +"Ah! one may see by your eyes that you have shed many tears. Why, they +tell me you never knew what had happened till you saw the poor dear love +lying dead and bleeding. There was a shock! Oh! how I pity you, dearest +soul! I have often thought it was a mercy that you did not fall over the +balusters, and break your neck!" + +"It broke my heart!" screamed out Lady Helen, in the voice of frenzy, +unable to support any longer the horrible picture thus coarsely brought +before her; and in another moment the house resounded with her +hysterical cries; while Mrs. Pendarves added, she could not but think +Lady Helen was very bad still, as she could not bear to be pitied; +though pity was said to be very soothing--and though she, + + ----"Like pity on one side, + Her grief-subduing voice applied." + +As my mother expected, Lady Helen now conceived a terror of Mrs. +Pendarves, which nothing could conquer; and her health became so +visibly worse, that she quitted the place the following week, +accompanied by my father and mother, and my mother's uncle, to London, +leaving Seymour and myself behind, to be spoiled by our too-indulgent +relatives. + +In a short time, my father and mother had settled their pecuniary +concerns, and purchased furniture for their new habitation, of which +they now hastened to take possession; and there we soon joined them. + +I have detailed thus minutely the sentiments and sorrows of those with +whom my earliest years were passed, as I believe that by them my +character was in a great measure determined; and that I owe the merit +which you attribute to me, and the crimes of which I am conscious, to +having been the pupil of _Lady Helen_, and the daughter of _Julia_ +Pendarves. + +The next three years passed quietly away; but my parents observed with +pain that Lady Helen's visits to Seymour Park became more and more +frequent, though Lord Seymour had married a young wife before his +daughter's return, who was jealous to excess of Lady Helen's influence +over her lord, and that she had evidently lost much of her enjoyment of +their society. The truth was, that though Lady Helen did not envy the +happiness of my parents, it was not always that she could bear to +witness it; because it recalled painfully to her mind the period of her +life when _she was equally_ happy; and she had no longer that sympathy +with my mother which is the foundation and the cement of friendly +intercourse; so true is it, that _equality of prosperity_, like +_equality of situation_, is necessary to give _stability_ to friendship. +My mother, though she felt this, was too delicate openly to repine. + +My intercourse with her, and the benefit which I derived from her +instructions, remained the same, for I was always allowed to accompany +Lady Helen to Seymour Park. + +But, alas! the tide of sympathy towards my poor mother, which had been +checked in Lady Helen's bosom by happiness, now flowed again with +increased fulness, when she was summoned to console her under a sorrow +kindred with her own. + +My father had been saved from the dangers of war, to perish at home by a +_violent death_. He was thrown from his horse, struck his head against a +stone, and died upon the spot. + +Lady Helen having removed her to her own house, devoted her whole +attention to the offices of a comforter. In proportion as my poor +mother's sense of happiness had been keen, her sense of privation was +overwhelming. + +But, so curiously, so mercifully are we fashioned, that we are sometimes +able to derive medicine for our suffering from its very excess. + +My mother was, as you well know, a woman of _high aspirings_, and loved +to be pre-eminent in all things. She was proud of her conjugal love; she +was proud of the dangers which she had dared under its influence, and +of the sufferings to which she rose superior, to prove the tender excess +of that love; she was proud, also, of her good fortune, in having her +husband's life so long preserved to her, and she gloried in his devoted +and faithful affection. But now of this idolized husband she was +bereaved in a moment, and without any alleviating circumstances. + +Soothing, though painful, are the tears which we shed for those who fall +in battle; and sweet, "like music in the dead of night," heard after +distressing dreams, or while we are kept waking by mournful realities, +falls the sound of a _nation's regret_ on the ear of those who weep over +a _departed hero_. + +But my father died _ingloriously_, and YET my mother felt pride derived +from that _very source_, for it made her, in her own estimation, +_pre-eminent_ in trial; for how hard was it, after having shared her +husband's dangers, and the struggles of war, to see him perish at home, +the victim of an ignoble accident! + +"Had he died in the field of glory, I might have found," she cried, +"some solace in his renown; and I was prepared to see him fall, when +others fell around him. But to perish _thus_! oh! never was woman's +trial so severe!" + +And thus, while descanting on the pre-eminence of her misfortunes, she +got rid of much of their severity. + +You remember with what eloquence my mother used to describe what she had +endured in America; you have also, I believe, heard her speak of the +manner of my poor father's death: but you never heard what I have often +listened to, with the pity which I could not utter, Lady Helen's +assertion of her _own_ trying sorrow, when my mother had harrowed up her +feelings by the painful comparison. + +"You may remember, that _you_ were happy _many years_: but I" (here +tears choked her voice) "remember, that while you were allowed to prove +your love by soothing the sufferings of the being whom you adored, and +had his smile to reward you, I was forced to prove mine only in the +privacy of solitary and almost maddening recollections. Till recently, +_you_ have never known a _real affliction_, and I--oh! when have I _for +years_ experienced an enjoyment?" + +This language used to _silence_, if it did not _convince_ my mother. + +But however they might dispute on the superiority of their trials, they +loved each other the better for them, and were now scarcely ever +separated. + +Hence, Seymour and I were in a measure educated together, till it was +judged fit that he should go to a public school. This painful trial was +imposed on Lady Helen by her relations, and approved by her own judgment +against the suggestions of her feelings; when I was eleven, and Seymour +near fifteen years old; and when our mothers (as I was not long in +discovering) had projected a union between us, and had promised each +other to do all they could to ensure it. + +Thus ends my _Introduction_. + + * * * * * + +Here begins, my dear friend, + + + THE HISTORY OF SEYMOUR AND HELEN PENDARVES. + +Forgive me, if I introduce my narrative with a very vulgar but a most +excellent proverb--which is, that "Little pitchers have wide ears;" or, +that children hear many things which they ought not to hear, and which +they were certainly not intended to hear. Now, to illustrate the truth +of this proverb, and this explanation of it. + +It certainly could not be the intention of two such sensible women that +I should know I was designed for the wife of Seymour Pendarves; and yet +they talked of their plans so openly before me, that I was perfectly +mistress of their designs; and that precocity of mind which they had +often remarked in me was increased so much by this consciousness, that +while they fancied I was thinking on my doll or my baby-house, I was in +reality meditating on my destined husband, till my heart was prepared to +receive the passion of love at an age when it would have been better for +me to have been ignorant of its existence. And this passion I was +authorized to feel, and for a most engaging object! I leave you to judge +how pleasant I found this permission--how much, young as I was, the idea +of Seymour Pendarves now mixed itself with every thing I thought, and +did, and said. Small was the chance, therefore, that even my highly +honoured mother could ever succeed in changing the bent of those +inclinations which she had herself given in the pliant hours of +childhood and earliest youth. + +It was some time before Lady Helen recovered her spirits, after the +departure of her son. I also gave myself the air of being very dejected; +but as with me it was the season of "the tear forgot as soon as shed," +and of the preponderating influence of animal spirits, I bounded over +the lawn as usual, after the first three days were gone by, and at +length won Lady Helen from her reveries and her gloom; but I had the +satisfaction of hearing the mothers say to each other, + +"What sensibility! She really seemed to regret his absence with a +sentimental dejection unusual at those years." + +This idea, so flattering to my self-love, I took care to keep alive, by +frequently inquiring how long it was to the Christmas vacation; and when +that long-expected time arrived, and I found it settled that Lady Helen +should meet her son at Lord Seymour's in London, and spend the holidays +with him there, I gave way to the most violent lamentations, declaring +that she should not go without me. Nor in this instance did I at all +exaggerate my feelings of disappointment; for Seymour's absence made a +sad void in my amusements, and I had looked forward to his return with +the sincerest satisfaction. But my entreaties and my expostulations were +equally vain. + +Seymour, however, wrote to me twice at least from London. These letters +I treasured up with the fondest care, and read them once every day; +though I could not but think there was not quite love enough in them, +and that I was too big to be called little Helen, and to be told by my +correspondent that he blew me a kiss. I remember, also, that when I +showed my mother my answers, which were those of a little old woman, and +not of an artless girl, she used to say, + +"I wonder where the child got those ideas." + +When the holidays were over, Lady Helen returned, and brought me a +beautiful writing-box, as a present from her son, with a guitar, as a +present from herself. We immediately began our practice upon this +instrument; and I made a rapid progress, from the hope of being able to +charm Seymour when we next met. + +But again Lady Helen went to meet her son in London; and it was not till +two years after his first departure, that he revisited the North. Never +shall I forget the flutter which I felt at the idea of his return; but I +am very sure that I was more taken up, in spite of my sentimentality, +with thinking what effect I was likely to have on him at our meeting, +than with the idea of the pleasure which I should have in seeing him. +Two years had made a great improvement in my person; but I was not tall +for my age, and I was so thin, that I looked much younger than I really +was. My glass, however, and the injudicious praises of flattering +visiters, had told me I was handsome; and I really believe I expected to +take Seymour's heart--of the actual possession of which I had some +doubts--by a _coup de main_; for I had both heard and read of "love at +first sight." Never before had I been so difficult to please in the +shape of my frocks, which I in vain tried to persuade my wiser mother to +alter into _gowns_--as vainly did I try to persuade her to let me have +my hair dressed, and wear ear-rings: she coolly told me simplicity was +the beauty of a _child's dress_; and I, swallowing as I could that +mortifying appellation, was obliged to let my auburn ringlets fall in +natural glossy curls into my neck, unfrizzed and untormented. But unable +to keep my vexation to myself, to the great amusement of my mother, I +said, rather petulantly, as I was leaving the room one day, "Well, I +must do as you please, mamma; but I am sure Mr. Seymour Pendarves, who +is used to London young ladies, will think me a great fright." + +"Mr. _who_, my dear?--whose opinion is of so much consequence to you?" + +"Seymour Pendarves," replied I blushing, and leaving out the _Mr._ + +"Oh! Master Pendarves! Really, my dear, I can't think it matters much, +what such a mere boy as that thinks; and it is enough for you that you +are a good child, and obey your mamma." + +At length, Seymour arrived, and the delighted Lady Helen brought her +idol to our house; while I gazed with wonder as well as pleasure and +embarrassment, on the change which two years had made in my youthful +companion. He, though only seventeen, had assumed the dress of manhood: +his throat was tied up with a large cravat--his hair was powdered, and +worn in a club behind, according to the then fashion--his hat was set on +one side, and he was dressed in a grass-green coat. Nothing so smart had +ever met my sight before; and what with his fine teeth, his dimpled +cheek, and his sparkling eyes, I thought I had never even _read_ of any +one so beautiful: and this lovely youth was intended to be my husband. +But had he himself any such intentions? That I could not say; and I was +both mortified and displeased at the way in which he first addressed me, +even though I drew up my long neck as high as possible, to look as tall +and womanly as I could. He flew up to me, calling me-- + +"Dear _little_ Helen! how are you? I am so glad to see you again!" + +And then, in spite of my dignity, he clasped me round the neck, gave me +a kiss which might have been heard in the next room, and left the mark +of his metal sleeve-buttons on my throat. My mother saw my confusion, +and, as she did not approve such familiar and boisterous ways, coolly +said, "My daughter is not used to such rough salutations, my dear +Seymour; and I did not expect such a remnant of the great romping boy +from you." + +Alas! all remnant of youthful unrestraint and of the boy now vanished; +natural feeling, which the sight of his early companion and playfellow +had called forth, disappeared, and the manners of the young men of the +world _then_ and _for ever_ replaced them. But what provoked me was, +though he seemed to consider himself as a _man_, he never even for a +moment treated me as a _woman_. I was his "little Helen," and his +"chicken," and his "tiny pet;" and then, dreadful degradation! he used +to chuck me under the chin: nay, once he asked me, pulling up his +neck-cloth, and looking in the glass, whether the neighbourhood was +improved, and whether there were any _fine women_ in it, who visited our +mothers. + +I had a mind to answer, "What does it signify to you whether there are +or not?" but as I dared not so reply, it was a relief to me when my +mother came in, and put a stop to his inquiries. + +But never, indeed, have I since felt more jealousy than I experienced +during Seymour's residence at home, in various ways. Soon after his +return, I went with one of my cousins from Pendarves Castle, then on a +visit to us, to a public walk in a neighbouring town, which was then +much frequented, and Seymour accompanied us: I, conscious that my straw +hat and purple ribands became me, and that my young friend, who was +remarkably plain, served only as a foil to my charms. + +"Now, then," thought I, "his hour is come." While glorying in this +imagined security, I was hurled down into the depths of despair; for we +scarcely reached the Mall, when we met some fine showy-looking women, +whom I thought _old_, as they seemed past five-and-twenty. Seymour, to +my great consternation, inquired who these _lovely creatures_ were, +declaring they were the handsomest women he had seen since he had left +London. + +"My cousin can introduce you," said Harriet Pendarves. + +"I! not I, indeed!" + +"Why not, dear Helen!" cried Seymour. + +"Because--because I have only lately known them." + +"Oh! that is quite enough," he hastily returned; but I still refused. + +However, the ladies returned, accompanied by a young man of Seymour's +acquaintance; and in a few minutes we beheld him laughing and talking +with the party. My feelings at that moment still live in my memory as +vividly as ever. I was thunder-struck. What! Seymour Pendarves, the +friend of my childhood, to leave me for women whom he never saw before; +and call them handsomer than any thing he had seen since he left London! +It was in vain that two youths of my acquaintance--one of them a young +lord--joined my deserted side: I was silent, absent, and unhappy; for +Seymour remained with his new acquaintance. + +It never occurred to me to talk and laugh with my beaux, for I was a +stranger to coquetry, and the natural feelings of my heart were allowed +to display themselves: still, an untaught delicacy made me try to hide +the cause of my oddness from my companions; and a headache, which was +not feigned, was my excuse. + +The ladies, however, at length left the walk, and Seymour was forced to +return to us. He immediately launched forth into rapturous praises of +their charms and elegant manners, while I listened in angry silence, as +I had expected him to apologize for leaving me; and nothing, I +perceived, was further from his thoughts. + +"But what is the matter?" cried he. "Are you not well, Helen, that you +do not speak?" + +"Not quite." + +"Helen has a headache," said my cousin. + +"Poor child!" cried Seymour kindly; "then let us go home directly; it +grows late, and I believe you do not sit up to supper yet, Helen, +except on great occasions." + +Here was an affront. I angrily replied, "Indeed, Mr. Seymour Pendarves, +you seem to know very little about me, and to _care_ very little about +me now." + +"_Mr._, and a tossed-up chin, and a flushed face! Why, really, Helen, I +find I did _not_ know much about you: I took you for a sweet-tempered +girl; but I have often thought you captious and pettish of late, and I +never could imagine why; but let me tell you, Miss Helen Pendarves, that +if you lose your good-temper, you will lose your greatest charm--_any_ +woman's greatest _charm_." + +This reproach I could not bear from him; for I knew, if I was become +pettish and captious, affection for him was the cause; and I burst into +tears. But struggling with my feelings, I sobbed out, "And I suppose, +sir, you think I _have_ no _other_ charm than my good-temper." + +"_I_, Helen! No such thing: I think quite the contrary; and I do assure +you, the ladies I have just left, they----" + +"O yes!" cried I, "they, I suppose, have every charm possible." + +"They have great charms, certainly, both of face and person; still, they +are only _fine women_; but _you_, Helen, are quite a _little +beauty_--only you are as yet but a _child_, you know." + +Away went my ill-humours, and even my jealousy; for I was sure, though +the boy of seventeen thought it more manly to talk to women grown, I +knew as he advanced in life, and I too, he would be of a different +opinion; and I also knew a few years would fade the ladies whom he so +much admired, while the same number of years would leave me still young, +and _still a beauty_. Yes, he thought me a beauty, and he had told me +so; and I repeated his words to myself so often, that in a reverie I +once spoke them aloud, and my mother asked, "Child, what are you saying +about Helen and beauty?" + +"Helen was a great beauty, mamma--was she not?" said I, blushing at my +own duplicity; but the subterfuge weighed heavily on my mind, nor could +I rest till I told the whole truth to my mother, who, in consideration +of my ingenuousness, merely observed to me, that when, from the +exaggeration to which even boys were much given, Seymour called me a +beauty, he only meant I was a pretty girl: but _I_ thought +_differently_. + +Seymour now remained at home full six months, with a private tutor, as +he was too old to go back to school, and Lady Helen thought him too +young for Oxford. During that time, my mother, from (as I suspected) +some private information, began to form an unfavourable opinion of his +steadiness of conduct; and the anxieties of a mother for his future +well-being clouded the still beautiful countenance of Lady Helen. + +Once, as I was apparently engaged in reading, I overheard Lady Helen say +to my mother, "Do you not discern any symptoms yet of a growing +attachment on his side? he may be on his guard before me." + +"None whatever: he seems to consider her still only as a beautiful +child; and she is certainly not at all more womanly in her appearance +this last year." + +"I am sorry for it," was the answer; "for there is no guard so good for +the morals of a young man, as a virtuous attachment." + +"Yes," said my mother; "and I had hoped, that by being so much with +Helen, he would have loved her, as it were, by anticipation." + +I never could find out whether they _meant_ me to hear this conversation +or not; but the assurance which it conveyed, that Seymour did not love +me yet, was not lost upon me; and it was possible that all this was said +for that purpose. The consequence was, that I put the strictest guard +over my words and manners, lest Seymour should discover the attachment +which I had with much confidence indulged; and the attachment itself, I +resolved to resist, with all the energy possible: for surely, thought I, +if I am too young to inspire love, I ought to be too young to feel it; +and I am too proud to love where I am not beloved. And I kept the former +part of my resolution, for my attachment remained unsuspected; nor did +its strength hold out entirely uninjured against the conviction of the +utter indifference of its object. However, an affectionate grasp of my +hand, and a respectful salute of my cheek, replaced the boisterous +familiarity of his greeting, when we first met. + +"Surely," said I to myself, "his feelings towards me have undergone a +change;" and while hope was thus restored to my bosom, I felt that my +former feelings would, on the slightest encouragement, return with +undiminished force. + +I have since learnt--though not till long after the period in +question--that Lady Helen had thought proper to have a conversation with +her son on the subject nearest her heart; namely, a marriage between him +and me, in the course of a few years. + +He listened to her, I found, with great surprise, but great complacency; +only exclaiming, "But she is such a child at present, dear mother!" + +"But she will not always be a child," replied Lady Helen; "and though I +believe she is quite indifferent to you _now_, I am much mistaken if +that 'child,' as you call her, did not at your first arrival feel +something resembling love and jealousy too." + +"Is it possible!" exclaimed Seymour, "and I not to be conscious of it! +_Dear_ little Helen!" And then he recollected the scene in the walk, and +my petulance, silence, and tears, for which he now accounted in a manner +flattering to his vanity; and it was so new--so _piquant_, to be loved +by a child, that he was charmed with the idea of his conquest. But then +Lady Helen had told him he had lost this affection; and as none can bear +to renounce the power which they have once possessed, he was resolved to +pay me those attentions by the want of which I had been alienated. He +was too conscious, however, to be able to act upon his resolves; and he +had learnt to consider me in so new a light, that he felt embarrassed +when he should have been assiduous; and though I saw a change in his +manner during the last four days, it was far from being a favourable +one. It was only on the last of the four days that he seemed to have +shaken off the trammels which hung about him. That day, as I was drawing +at the window, and he was reading aloud by his mother, I saw him lay +down his book, and whisper in her ear. + +"Helen," said she, "what do you think Seymour says? He says, that he has +now found that you are no longer a child." + +"Indeed!" replied I, blushing, but in a tone of pique: "and since when? +That is a discovery which I have long made." + +"And since when have you _yourself_ made it, dear Helen?" said he, with +that saucy smile of his which you have often said was irresistible. + +"These four years, at least," I answered, trying to avoid his eyes. + +"Do not fib, Helen," was his impertinent reply. + +"You make Helen blush, my dear son." + +"So much the better; she never looks so beautiful as when she blushes, +and I dare say some little time hence, we shall have some English Priam +exclaiming of this modern Helen-- + + 'No wonder, Britons, that such heavenly charms + For ten long years have set the world in arms!' + +While _I_ shall sit and sing-- + + 'Ah, Chloris! could I now but sit + As unconcern'd as when + Thy infant beauty could beget + Nor happiness nor pain!'" + +I was now so pleased, so confounded--yet so happy, that I knew not where +to look or how to behave; but remembering that the "best part of valour +is discretion," I fled from the danger I could not face, and had just +presence of mind enough to run away. + +"What is the matter with Helen?" cried Seymour, when I was gone. "Is she +angry?" + +"No," replied Lady Helen, more skilled in the nature of woman's +feelings; "she is only conscious of being too well pleased--that's all;" +and from that time--had not Seymour left us the next day--the chances +are that we should soon have become lovers. + +I, meanwhile, had gone into my own chamber, where I found my mother. I +threw myself into her arms, without saying a word, and hid my blushes +and my tears in her bosom. My mother, untold, knew those tears were not +tears of sorrow, and soon drew from me a part of the truth; for I told +her Seymour had been so full of his compliments that I came away. + +During the course of that day, Seymour was continually exclaiming, "How +provoking it is, that I should be forced to go away just now!" + +"Ah!" cried I, pertly enough, and insincerely too, "what will poor Miss +Salter do?" This was the name of one of the ladies with whom he had +fancied himself charmed. + +"Miss Salter! + + 'I think not of Miss Salter---- + My fancy has no image now but--'" + +Here my mother rather pettishly interrupted him. + +"I think, for Miss Salter's sake, young man, it is well you are going, +as you certainly took great pains to make her think you admired her; and +I must say, I am no friend to coquetry, be it in man or woman." + +"Nor I," said Lady Helen; "and I trust the next time my son makes love, +he will do it with his whole heart, and not mistake the illusions of +fancy for the dictates of attachment." + +"I trust so too, my dear mother," he replied, "and that the object will +be one whom you approve." + +The next morning he set off, and every thing at first seemed a blank to +me. He wrote frequently during the first weeks of his residence at +Oxford, but my mother discouraged my answering his letters, and he soon +grew remiss in his correspondence even with Lady Helen, who found that +his allowance, though handsome, was insufficient for his wants, and +suspected that the life must be dissipated which required such an +exorbitant expenditure. My mother knew that it was so; why she imparted +what she heard to her friend, I cannot tell, because it made Lady Helen +unhappy, and she wrote to her son in the language of expostulation. I +was vexed to find that my mother gave such implicit credence to the +stories of Seymour's errors, as the accounts might be exaggerated; and +when I had once admitted that he was the victim of misrepresentation, +pity for Seymour added force to my attachment. + +It seemed a very long time to me till the next vacation came; but +Seymour passed it in London, at his grandfather's; my mother was glad, +but I was disappointed. Nor did he come down into the country till half +of the long vacation was expired; and after he had spent a week with +Lady Helen, my mother took me to pay a visit to a relation of her's. In +vain Lady Helen remonstrated, and Seymour entreated; she replied she had +put off her journey in the expectation of seeing him in June, and she +could no longer delay her visit. He sighed, looked conscious and +confused, and forbore to urge her again. + +My mother was certainly right in thus resolving; for she knew, though I +did not, that Lady Helen had communicated to him her views and wishes +with regard to me; and she left home with a firmness and decision of +manner which promised ill for the success of her hopes. + +When we came back, Seymour was returned to Oxford. The following +Christmas, Lady Helen, whose health seemed evidently declining, went to +London for the advice of physicians, and Seymour attended her home; but +he only stayed a week, as he was under an engagement, he said, to +accompany some friends abroad. He departed, however, with evident +dejection and reluctance, and seemed while with us to enjoy the quiet of +our domestic scenes; but as his actions were not regulated by a steady +principle of _right_, and under the restraint of moral and religious +obligation, no sooner was he removed from our purifying influence, than +he became again the follower of pleasure, while as he was driven +backward and forward upon the ocean of the world, my image, which his +poor mother thought would save him from temptation, appeared to him only +as a beacon at a distance to remind him of that shore of safety which +the waves forbad him, however much he wished it, to approach. During the +next term, and in spite of his dissipation, Seymour obtained a prize for +writing the best prose essay; and he sent it to his mother just after +some very unfavourable accounts of the society which he frequented in +London, had reached her, and had been only too strongly confirmed by my +mother's secret informant. These reports had not been communicated to +me, but I happened to be present when Lady Helen received two copies of +the essay, accompanied by a letter, in which he begged that his dearest +friend Helen, would not only accept, but do him the favour to criticise +the little production which he had sent, as he knew no one whose praise +he should so highly value, or to whose censures he should pay greater +attention. Methinks I still see the delight yet gleaming mournfully +through tears, which beamed from Lady Helen's countenance when she +received the essay and read the letter. Alas! that renewed and increased +brightness was but too like the flame of an expiring taper. + +"My dear Julia!" cried she to my mother, in a voice almost inarticulate +with emotion, "what a foolish thing is a fond mother's heart! Now it is +all fear, and now all hope; now it is broken, and now healed again. This +boy, this dear, naughty good boy! it was but yesterday I cried for his +weakness, and now I cry for his strength." + +"No one, I believe, ever doubted your son's talents," said my mother +coldly, and I thought crossly. + +"True," replied Lady Helen meekly; "and this prize, I own, is not proof +of amended conduct." + +"I know not," cried I eagerly, "what fault poor Seymour has committed; +but of this I am sure, that if he was so very idle as ill-natured people +say he is, he could not have found time to write for a prize, and still +less have been able to gain it." + +"Thank you, my dearest girl, for being my poor boy's advocate; for what +you say is very just: and Seymour shall know how kindly you took his +part." + +"I must beg he may not know," said my mother, angrily. + +"Indeed!" answered Lady Helen mournfully. "But I cannot now blame your +change of feeling on this subject, for I myself should hesitate to give +my daughter to a youth such as Seymour is said to be." + +I now turned round, and looked at Lady Helen with so alarmed and +inquiring a countenance, that she could not withstand the appeal. She +took my hand, and said-- + +"Yes, Helen, your mother and I had pledged our words to each other, to +do all in our power to promote a union between my son and you, and to +cherish every symptom in you of a mutual attachment; but now, owing to +some too well-founded reports, I fear, of his faulty conduct, she wishes +to retract her promise; and here, as one of my last acts and deeds, (for +I feel that I shall not be with you long,) I solemnly give her back that +promise in your presence! declaring to you, my beloved child, that +unless your mother thinks Seymour deserving of you, I cannot wish you to +be his wife; and that it will be my parting injunction to you, Helen, +never, never to marry an immoral man." + +Lady Helen had scarcely said this, while I listened with downcast eyes, +when my mother threw herself into her arms, sobbing out convulsively, +"My own dear generous friend! for your sake I will try to think well of +your son, and to believe he will reform--only don't talk of dying; I +can't bear _that_!" + +"But I wish to prepare you for it." + +"Prepare, Helen! prepare. Do you think anything can make me endure the +idea of losing you? Oh! it will be losing all I ever loved a second +time!" + +Lady Helen shook her head, but did not speak; for she knew that her +friend must soon undergo this dreaded trial--and _she_, too, felt that +for _some_ blows there is no such thing as _preparation_. + +The night that followed was the first of real agonizing sorrow which I +had ever known. I had heard that Seymour was believed, even by his own +mother, to be unworthy of me, and that mine was decidedly averse to that +union which she had originally made the first desire of my heart; I had +also heard from Lady Helen's own lips a solemn assurance that she was +dying. + +At my time of life, however, the spirits are never long depressed, +especially by an uncertain and remote sorrow; but as a captive +butterfly, when the pressure on its wings is removed, flutters them +again in air, with all their glittering dyes and buoyancy uninjured, so +do the spirits of youth quickly resume their brilliancy and their +elasticity. + +When I rose the next morning, I was _sure_ that Lady Helen would +_recover_; I was sure that Seymour would _reform_, even if the reports +concerning him were _not_ exaggerated; and I was also sure that some +time or other I should be his wife. + +But, alas! Lady Helen had not spoken from momentary dejection, and still +less from the ungenerous wish to excite interest and alarm in the hearts +that tenderly loved her: she spoke from her deep conviction--a +conviction only too well founded. + +In less than two months, she was attacked by fever and inflammation of +the brain, such as had before seized her on the death of her husband. +She had, however, lucid intervals; and though my mother and myself felt +our hearts wrung by her delirious ravings--during which she called upon +her son's name in the most affecting language--still we suffered more, +when, on recovering her senses, she asked for this darling son, and we +were obliged to reply that he was not yet arrived. + +And where--oh! where was he, at a moment like that? We knew not. + +As soon as Lady Helen's attack was judged to be a dangerous one, my +mother wrote to him at Oxford, desiring him to set off immediately, or +he might come too late; and as Oxford was only a ten hours' journey from +home, he might have been with us the next morning, had he been at +college. It was also term time; but yet he came _not_, though on such an +occasion, leave of absence was easily to be obtained. My mother was too +angry to be as wretched as I was at this distressing circumstance--for +indignation often swallows up every other feeling, and once she hinted +to me that he must have received the letter, and that mere idle neglect +kept him away; but the poor invalid, who, unsuspected by us, overheard +our conversation, exclaimed-- + +"No, Julia; whatever are his other faults, my poor boy loves +me--tenderly loves me; and even from a sick-bed he would hasten to his +dying mother. Oh no! he has never received your letter--he is not in +college." + +"Then where is he? In college he ought to be." + +"True, Julia; but he is young and thoughtless, and we ought to remember +that we were so _once ourselves_. We ought not to have run away from our +parents--yet we _did_ so, Julia." + +"We did, indeed," cried my mother, abashed and silenced. + +"Yes," continued Lady Helen; "and therefore I have always endeavoured to +be mild in my judgment of other people--especially of the young." + +"Helen," cried my mother, "forgive me, thou blessed spirit! I will be +merciful to him, even though it makes me unjust to----" + +"No, your first duty is to your daughter: but listen to me, Julia! Be +_sure_ to convince Seymour, when I am no more, that I did not impute his +absence to want of love, but merely to _accident_. Be _sure_ you do; for +he will feel only too much, when he comes and finds that he has no +longer a mother!" + +The afflicting image thus presented to my mind, of what would be +Seymour's misery if he indeed arrived too late, was more than I could +bear, and I was forced to leave the room. Soon afterwards, Lady Helen's +senses wandered again; but when I returned, she was sensible, though +exhausted; and as I entered, she hastily put back the curtain, and +said-- + +"Oh! I hoped it was my dear, dear boy!" Her breath now grew fainter, and +she exclaimed, "Oh! where, where is he? must I die without seeing him +once more, and giving him my blessing? Helen! Julia! be sure to speak +very kindly to him, and tell him that I blessed him! But thy will, O +Lord! be done!" + +Still, as long as consciousness remained, her eyes were anxiously turned +towards the door, as if looking for that beloved object whom she was +never more to see, we thought, in this world. At that moment, however, +my watchful ear heard a quick step on the stairs, and an exclamation of +agony, not mistaken by me. + +"_He_ is _here_! I am _sure_ he is here!" cried I, bending over her +pillow; and in another moment Seymour was on his knees at the bedside. +Never shall I forget his look of speechless woe, when he found her last +agony approaching: but it seemed as if _affection_ struggled +successfully with death for a few short moments. She could not speak, +but her eyes were eloquent; and as she laid her hand upon the head of +her child, those eyes were raised to heaven in earnest supplication: +they then turned on him, while she reclined her head on my mother's +bosom, and her right hand was clasped in mine. I cannot go on: the scene +is still too present to my view. + + * * * * * + +Deep as was my affliction, it sunk into nothingness, compared with that +of the bereaved and self-reproving son. It was really a _relief_ to me +to see his sense of anguish suspended by his insensibility. + +When he recovered, there was something so full of woe, and yet of a woe +so stern, in the look with which my mother ordered me away, that I had +not the heart to resist it. It was near an hour before she came to me; +and never before had I seen her so overpowered with affliction. She +called upon Lady Helen by the tenderest names; talked of her patient +gentleness--of the sweetness of that temper which she had so often +tried--and reproached herself for having thus tried it. But she spoke +not of Seymour; and deep as my regret was for the dead, it was equalled +by my anxiety for the living. I therefore ventured to say, "But how is +poor Seymour?" + +"Unfeeling girl!" cried my mother; "you can think only of him when his +angel mother lies dead!" + +"_She_ would have _thanked_ me for my anxiety," I replied, rendered +courageous by distress. "I shall go and inquire after him." + +"Hold, Helen! he is extremely wretched; so much so, that I could not +bear to listen to his self-upbraidings, nor to witness his caresses of +that hand which replied no longer to his grasp; and then his wild +entreaties, that she would speak to him once more, and say that she +forgave him!" + +"And could you have the cruelty to leave him alone in such a state?" +cried I. "Do you think his mother would so have left _your_ child?" + +My mother started--"You are right!" said she: "I will return, and do my +duty by him." + +"Oh! let me go with you!" + +"No, Helen; I must do my duty by you too--and the poor youth at this +moment is only too dangerous." + +She was right, and I submitted; but I had gained my point, and she was +gone back to the poor afflicted one. Before she went, however, she +insisted on my going to bed; where, wearied with three nights of +watching, I fell into a heavy slumber. But, oh! that wretchedness on +waking, which attends the recollection of a recent affliction! and I was +giving way to all the misery I felt, when, soon after eight in the +morning, my mother came into my room. + +She told me she had not been in bed all night, for that she dared not +leave Seymour. + +"How kind it was in you, my dearest mother!" + +"No, it was only right," she answered, in great agitation: "he was a +bitter and penitent sufferer; and if my departed friend is conscious of +what is passing here, I trust that she was satisfied with me, for I +tried to do a mother's part by him. And now, my dear child, we must both +return home: this, you know, is no place for you, Helen." + +"And must I go without taking leave of poor Seymour?" + +"What leave is there to take?" + +I had nothing to reply, and we came away. + +As my mother knew that Seymour's sleep was likely to be long, she did +not return to the house of death for some hours; but when she did, I +earnestly conjured her to let me accompany her. I pleaded, however, and +wept in vain: in vain did I urge, that Seymour would think me unkind in +forsaking him wholly at such a time as this was. + +My mother said she feared that Seymour would only be too ready to +attribute his not seeing me to her commands, rather than my own +inclinations; and, disappointed and wretched, I threw myself on the bed +in an agony of grief, and never rose from it, feeding my distress by +every means in my power. I must own, however, that temper and +contrivance had some share in this self-abandonment, or sensibility, +which I thought would at once punish my mother for her obstinacy, (as I +called it,) and induce her to give up her resolution. How often is +grief, like love, made up of materials which we dream not of--and how +often has temper much to do with it! But my seeming unmixed sorrow had +no effect on my excellent parent, whose decisions, where I was +concerned, were the result of firm principle. Her first observation +was-- + +"This excessive misery, Helen, accompanied, as I see it is, with a +degree of sullenness, is not likely to make me change my purpose, but +rather to confirm me in it the more; because it proves to me the great +extent of the danger to which my compliance would expose you, when you +can thus, in spirit at least, be rebellious; and this at a time, too, +when I want every comfort possible." + +These words subdued every particle of resentment in me: I threw myself +on her neck, and assured her she should never have so to reproach me +again; nor did I even venture to inquire for Seymour--but she was +generous enough to speak of him unasked. She told me he woke, after a +long sleep, more composed than she expected; "though, on his first +waking, he started me excessively," she said, "by asking for his mother, +and wondering to see me instead of her. My tears seemed to force back +his recollection; and in a faint voice, and with a look of wretchedness, +he added, 'Ah! I remember now;' and hiding his face in the pillow, he +wept aloud. + +"And I--I was but a sad consoler, for I wept in silence by him. When he +was calm again, I wished him to rise; and before I left him, in the +fulness and tenderness of my heart, poor child! I stooped down, and +kissed his burning forehead. But I soon repented; for he exclaimed, 'Oh! +that was so like _her_! But she never--no, never more----' and again he +lay almost convulsed with his feelings. + +"When this fresh paroxysm was over, I left him." + +"But I am sure," said I, "that he will be soothed by that kind kiss in +remembrance, though it affected him painfully at the time." + +"Perhaps so: but his grief, violent though it be, will soon go off, and +be after a time forgotten. Lady Helen was his mother, and he loved her; +but she had not been the chosen playfellow of his childhood--the friend +of his youth--the companion of his riper years--the sharer of every +joy--the soother of every sorrow--and the being endeared to him by +daily and confidential intercourse: and yet all these was she to _me_, +Helen." + +"But, dearest mother, the love and regrets of a child are _very_ +strong." + +"I own it, Helen, especially when, as in the case of this miserable boy, +self-reproach mingles with them, and deepens every pang. Helen, my +child--my only treasure now," she added, speaking with difficulty, +"never, never, when I shall be as she is now, may you have cause to shed +such tears as his, Helen! Remember, there are no upbraidings so terrible +as those of one's own heart; and for your own sake, if not for mine, be +dutiful." + +I was too much affected to reply; and my mother continued--"Yes, _he_ +will recover his loss--you will recover _yours_, Helen. But what can +ever replace to me the loss of the friend of my whole life--the sole +relic of the joys that are past? George--Charles--Helen! you are all +gone now! and I," (here she raised her arms with a sort of appealing +look to heaven,) "I stand alone, unsupported, and unsupporting, too, +like the sole remaining pillar of a once-noble temple, to speak of +former pride and present desolation." + +As my mother's imagination had now entered into play, my fears for her +health in a great degree vanished; for I knew that the grief which can +vent itself in imagery, however gloomy, is not of that sort which preys +rapidly on life; for it is + + ----"The grief that doth not speak, + Falls on the burthen'd heart, and bids it break." + +Taking advantage of a pause, during the first part of which my mother +seemed engaged in fervent devotion, I now ventured to ask her if Seymour +had inquired why he did not see me. She told me that he had, and that he +had been told in reply there were sufficient reasons for our not +meeting: amongst the foremost of which, was the certainty that we should +make each other _worse_, and with this reason he had seemed satisfied. +She did not tell me, however, that he inquired for me every day; nor did +she relate to me any of their conversation, except the one which took +place the evening before the funeral; and _that_ she felt it to be her +duty to disclose. + +"I have to inform you, my dear child," said she, "that when Seymour and +I stood together to take our last look and last kiss before the coffin +was closed, he suddenly seized my hand, and, wildly addressing the +unconscious dead, conjured that pale cheek, and that closed eye, to +appeal to my heart in his favour, and to remind me of the promised +pledge to his mother to promote his union with you. This was the +language of passion, and there was a strange effect in it, I +thought--neither of which, you know, can affect me. I therefore replied, +though not without emotion, that it was a subject which I could not +discuss in that room. Accordingly, after he had taken many more last +looks and leaves of the beloved dead, I led him from the chamber. + +"When he was calmed a little, I had resolution to resume the +conversation; and to own the truth, Helen, I was _glad_ to discuss it, +without the presence of that mournful object which, spite of myself, +armed my feelings against my judgment." + +Here my mother walked about the room in considerable agitation; but she +soon recovered herself. + +"I then related to him our conversation with Lady Helen." + +"And did you tell him how I defended him?" cried I. + +"No, certainly I did not," she coldly replied; "but I convinced him that +his mother gave me back my promise, and that her last parting words to +yourself should be, 'Helen, never marry an immoral man.' On hearing +this, he exclaimed-- + +"'Did my mother say this? Did she think me an immoral man? Oh! +insupportable agony! Well, madam,' added he, turning fiercely round, +'and so I suppose you have said the same to your daughter, and have +engaged her to combat the regard she once felt for me; for I know she +loved me once, or would have done so, for so the lips that never +deceived assured me: but mark me, madam, I will not take a refusal from +any lips but hers.' + +"'If you wish to alienate my affection entirely from you, Seymour,' I +replied, 'you will make this appeal to Helen; for neither by letter nor +personal application will I sanction it, till I am convinced your +improved conduct makes you more worthy of my daughter.' + +"'But you deny me the motive to improvement, by forbidding my addresses +to her.' + +"'O Seymour!' answered I, 'if you have no _better_ motive, such a change +is not to be depended upon; nor would I entrust to you, under such a +precarious alteration, the happiness of my child.' + +"He looked distressed, but rather proudly replied-- + +"'Well, madam, we will talk further on this subject some other time. I +cannot pursue it now.' And soon after I took my leave." + +"And will you not allow him to have one interview with me, before he +returns to Oxford?" + +"No, I will not expose you to his dangerous eloquence: as he is not +really in love with you, he would have more self-possession, and plead +his cause so much the better." + +"_Not_ in love with me!" + +"No; his attachment is now irritated by obstacles, and also stimulated +by fancied duty; but could he, if he really felt a virtuous passion, +maintain a disgraceful connexion in London, as I know him to do? Helen, +my child! what ails you?" Here her voice sounded like thunder in my +ears, and I fainted. + +I had certainly been led to believe that Seymour led a life of general +dissipation, and I had not allowed myself to attempt to define the exact +nature of the charges against him; but when I heard him positively +accused of an improper attachment to one individual object, a mixed +feeling of jealousy, disgust, misery, and indignation came over me, with +the sickness of death, and for the first time in my life I lost all +consciousness. How long I remained insensible, I know not; but when I +recovered, I found my mother weeping over me--not because she _had_ +feared for my life, but because she _did_ fear for my peace of mind. She +was consoled, however, when I assured her, that from that moment I +should think it my duty to drive Seymour Pendarves from my mind, and +that I had no longer any difficulty in submitting to her wishes. She +kissed me, called me her dear, good girl, and we parted for the night. + +The next morning was the morning of the funeral. Lady Helen had desired +it might be a private one, and had she not, it could not have been +otherwise; for Lord Seymour, though not an old man, was fallen into a +state of imbecility; Lord Mountgeorge was at Lisbon, attending his dying +wife; and Mr. Pendarves, our great-uncle, was confined in Cornwall by +the gout. + +"Poor Seymour!" cried my mother, as she heard this account of the +family; "there is much to be said in your excuse; for how completely has +he been left to himself, amidst the dangers of a metropolis!" + +My mother, when she said this, was certainly _thinking aloud_; but my +hearing her had, at that moment, no bad effect on me, as my jealousy +remained unappeased, and my mortification unsoothed, and nothing could +reinstate him as yet in my estimation: nay, I believed I should see him +the next day without any emotion that could be attributed to him as the +cause of it. + +When we reached the house of mourning, we found Seymour anxiously +expecting us. On seeing me, he seized my hand, and, unable to speak, +kissed it repeatedly, then turned away in tears; and, I must own, at +that moment I forgot his unworthiness and my own resolution, and +remembered only his sorrow and his apparent affection. My mother _might_ +be right, but I began to suspect she _might be wrong_. All these +feelings, however, were soon swallowed up in those of deep and tender +sorrow. The procession began; and, clinging to each other's arm for +support, my mother and I followed the unsteady steps of the chief +mourner. But why need I dwell on the details of a scene so common? +Suffice, that Seymour did not return with us: he remained in the church, +in order to give way to the lately suppressed agonies of his heart. My +mother wished to do the same; but she respected the sacredness of his +sorrow, and she could visit the vault at another time. + +The rest of the day was spent by Seymour in visits to those who had been +maintained or assisted by Lady Helen, in order that he might personally +assure them that his intention was to do all she would have done, had +life been spared to her. Having thus performed his duty to the utmost, +he appeared to my mother's eye to have recovered some of his usual +brilliancy of countenance. The next night he was to return to Oxford. In +the afternoon of that day, he called at our house, and requested to see +my mother and _me_. + +I rose involuntarily, in great perturbation. + +"Tell Mr. Pendarves," said my mother, "that I will wait on him directly. +Helen, my child! it is but one struggle more, and all the difficulty +will be over; for I conclude, you, not only in obedience to my will, but +in compliance with your own wise _wishes_, refuse to see him!" + +What could I say? Could I tell her that the meeting of yesterday, and +his subsequent conduct towards his mother's dependants, had altered my +feelings? I could not do it, and I remained above stairs. + +After a long conference, my mother came back to me, and I heard the +hall-door close. Till this moment, I had hoped she would relent, and +allow me to see him! at least, I guess so, from the cold chill which I +felt at my heart, when I heard the noise of the closed door. However, I +saw him from the window--I myself unseen--and his handkerchief was held +to his eyes. + +When my mother returned, I observed that she had been excessively moved, +and the traces of recent tears were on her cheeks. + +"Helen!" she at length said, "I trust I have done by Seymour Pendarves +what I should wish a friend to do by a child of mine. And is he not +_her_ child--the child of that lost, matchless being, whom I loved only +second to yourself, since one dearer than either was removed from me? +Yes; I admonished him as a mother would have done; and though I refused +his request, I did it--indeed I did--with gentleness and with anguish. +Helen," she resumed, "if ever you should doubt the affections of your +mother, remember what, for your sake, she has undergone this day. She +has, though her heart bled to do it, wounded that of one whom she loves +now next to yourself, and that one, too, the child of her adored Lady +Helen. But the sense of a mother's duty, aided by a higher power, has +supported me through it." + +"And he is gone!" + +"Yes; and he reproached me bitterly for my cruelty, Helen; but if he +could see me now, do you think he would censure me for hardness of +heart?" + +Mournful were the hours that followed, and we retired early to rest. But +my mother rested not. I heard her walking backward and forward in her +room till near day-break; and till she had ceased I was too uneasy to +close my eyes. + +When I rose the next day, and was walking in the garden before +breakfast, I found my mother's windows still shut, and it was very late +before she came down stairs. I had previously felt disposed to indulge +my own dejection; but as soon as I saw her, all thought of myself +vanished. For never did I see the expression of hopeless grief stronger +than in her speaking face. As she did not talk, I vainly tried to +converse of indifferent things. She smiled; but every smile was +succeeded by a sigh; and once she exclaimed, + +"No! they cannot come to _me_, but I shall go to _them_." + +"Dearest mother," cried I, rising and looking up in her face, "you +forget _me_. Surely you do not wish to leave me?" + +"Do not ask me," she cried, clasping me fondly to her bosom; "I fear I +am ungrateful for my remaining blessing." + +From that time she struggled with her grief, and became, as you know, in +_company_, at least, the agreeable companion; for about that time it +was, I think, that your amiable husband succeeded to the living, and you +came to enliven and adorn the rectory. However, as your friend, for +whose inspection this is written, does not know any of the subsequent +events, I shall proceed with the detail of my story. + +During the ensuing six weeks we had only one letter from Seymour, but +that was a pleasant one: for he told us that he had been studying very +hard, and had gotten another prize, and he sent us his composition, +adding in a very touching manner, that as the eye which he most wished +to please by his production was for ever closed, his proudest desire now +was to have it approved by those whom he and she best loved. + +My mother was gratified by this compliment as well as myself; for she +augured favourably of his amendment from this close application, and she +owned to me in the fulness of her heart, that she had informed him, his +obtaining my hand depended entirely on _himself_. I have said that my +mother appeared quite recovered in company; but such was the constant +recurrence of one anxious subject to her mind in private, that every +thing unconnected with it soon became uninteresting to her; this was the +renewal of virtuous friendship in another world; and she read and tried +to procure every thing in the shape of a Sermon or Essay that had ever +been written on the subject. One sermon, and it was a most eloquent one, +bearing the title, "The renewal of Virtuous Friendship in another +World,"[1] delighted her so much, that it was never out of her reach; +and though she found it difficult to deduce from the Scriptures any +certain grounds for this consoling doctrine, still she delighted to +indulge in it; and as she could never rest till she had tried to convert +others to her own opinions, especially where those opinions were likely +to increase individual happiness, those only with whom she was not +intimate could avoid hearing her descant on this subject, with all that +plausible and ingenious fluency which usually attends reasoning from +analogy and imagination. While her mind was thus employed, it ceased to +prey on its own peace; and though her system sometimes failed to satisfy +her, she still found a soothing conviction in the thought, that should +we not be permitted "to know and love our friends in heaven," we should +be sure not to be _conscious_ of the want of those who had been the +dearest to us when on earth, but should find all the "ways of God" +vindicated "to man." + +[Footnote 1: See a volume of Sermons written by the Rev. P. Houghton.] + +It was now, while my mother was too constantly thinking of the regretted +dead, and I of the still tenderly-remembered living, that a new +acquaintance was introduced to us, who had power to withdraw our +thoughts from these interesting speculations, and fix them for some time +at least upon himself. + +Methinks, my dear friend, I see you smile at this distance, and remark +to your husband, "Now we shall see what she says of the impression which +Count Ferdinand De Walden first made on her, for I never could +understand how she could ever prefer another man to him." + +_You_ forget how very early in life my affections were turned towards +Pendarves, and how soon I learnt to look on constancy in love as a sort +of virtue; you also forget the "fascinating graces," and the +"irresistible archness," to use your own expression, of Seymour's smile. +But this is perhaps an ill-timed digression. Where was I? Oh! at the +introduction of a new acquaintance. + +My parents had made an acquaintance in America with the Count De Walden, +the elder, whom curiosity and the love of travelling had led thither. On +the breaking out of the war, he returned to his native country, +Switzerland, by way of England; where he was so much pleased with the +manners of the people and constitution of the government, that he +resolved his nephew and heir, Ferdinand De Walden, who was like himself +a protestant, should come over and enter himself at one of the +universities. When the time for his admission arrived, the count +remembered with renewed interest his acquaintance with my parents and +their cousins; and that they now resided in England. Nor was it +difficult for him to obtain particulars of their present residence and +situation. + +His uncle heard with pain that my mother, Seymour, and myself, were the +only survivors of that happy family which he had so much loved in the +new world. To my mother, however, he was still anxious to introduce his +nephew; and he hoped that in Seymour he would find a durable friend at +college; but in this expectation he could not be gratified, as he had +resolved that Ferdinand should go to the mathematical university, and +Seymour was of Oxford. This impossibility my mother thought a fortunate +circumstance for Ferdinand. + +When De Walden came, and showed, among other letters, one of +recommendation to Mr. Seymour Pendarves, she coldly observed, "That +letter need not be delivered yet;" and certainly, the appearance of +Ferdinand De Walden did not promise much congeniality of disposition and +pursuit with Seymour; for the latter, from the light gaiety of his +manner and countenance, seemed as if he never thought at all; and the +former, from the grave pensiveness and reserve of his, appeared at first +sight as if he did nothing but think. The open eye of Seymour invited +confidence, the penetrating one of De Walden repelled it; and as the +one, when first seen, was sure to inspire admiration if not love, the +other was as sure to excite alarm, if not a feeling resembling aversion. +For myself, I must own that when De Walden was presented to me by my +mother, I experienced towards him a little of the first, though none of +the second sensation; for I had been accustomed to look on Seymour as my +model for personal beauty and captivation; and the young Swiss, +therefore, had not a chance of charming me at first sight. I had not +seen my mother so animated for years as she was on the arrival of her +foreign guest; for she had greatly esteemed his uncle, and Ferdinand +strongly resembled him. With him of course were associated the +ever-remembered hours of youth and friendship, wedded love and +happiness; and De Walden shone with a radiance not his own. But my +mother, much to my annoyance, was not conscious of this: she insisted +that his brilliancy was all self-derived; that if she had never known +_his uncle_, she should still have admired _him_. By this admiration, I +am ashamed to confess, I was piqued and mortified, because I fancied it +interfered with the rights of Seymour; and I suspected that, if he +should repay the regard of the mother by loving the daughter, I could +not without disobedience remain constant to my first attachment. + +As De Walden was not to go to college till October, he had leave to stay +with us till that time, since it was rather an unusual thing for a fine +young man, unless he was a relation, to be the guest of a widow lady and +her daughter for so long a period. I was therefore certain that my +mother must have some particular point to carry, and that point was, I +believed, the alienation of my heart from Seymour Pendarves. These +suspicions certainly made me regard Ferdinand the two first days of his +arrival with prejudiced eyes, not unmixed with fear of his keenness of +penetration. But, in spite of myself, my fear of him vanished, and much +of my prejudice with it, when I found that this grave sententious +personage, who talked theology with my mother, and tried, poor man! to +explain to us some new German philosophy, could laugh as heartily as if +he never read and never thought, and had a sense of the ridiculous, +which he found sometimes dangerous and troublesome to his good-breeding. + +This welcome discovery happened to me at breakfast, while he was reading +to us aloud some amusing extracts from a kind of periodical paper, +published in France by the Baron De Grimm, one of which was so +ludicrous, that he laid down the book to laugh at his ease, while I +exclaimed, "Is it possible?" + +"Is what possible, my dear?" said my mother. + +"That Mr. De Walden," I repeated rather uncivilly, "can laugh so very +heartily." + +"_N'est-il pas permis en Angleterre, Mademoiselle?_"[2] was his answer. + +[Footnote 2: Is it not permitted in England?] + +"Oh, yes!" said I, blushing, and looking very foolish, "only--" + +"Oh! Je comprends: apparemment c'est Mademoiselle qui ne veut pas qu'on +rit devant elle. Hélas, belle Helène! il faut rire tant qu'on le peut, +quand on a le bonheur de jouir souvent de votre aimable société; car il +me semble qu'en ce cas là, on pourroit bien avoir raison de pleurer +bientôt, et peut-être pour la vie."[3] + +[Footnote 3: Oh! I comprehend: you do not like any should laugh in your +presence. Alas! beautiful Helen, one must laugh while one can, when one +has the happiness of being in your society; for one runs the risk of +crying very soon, and perhaps for life.] + +Here was _gallantry_ too, and returning good for evil; though I was +rude, he was polite. I was humbled and ashamed, while he with increasing +archness said, "_Mais qu'est-ce que vous voulez dire avec votre_--'Is it +possible?'[4] What! you think me a disciple of Crassus, and fancy me +never laugh till I see an ass eat a thistle?" he added in his foreign +English. + +[Footnote 4: But what did you mean with your 'Is it possible?'] + +"Shall I tell you what I take you for now?" replied I, venturing to look +up in his face, which, for the first time, animated as it now was by +pleasantry and the consciousness of appearing to advantage, struck me +with the conviction of its excessive physiognomical beauty; and I ceased +to wonder at my mother's regard for him, not because he was possessed of +great personal attractions, but because beauty of physiognomy cannot +exist without corresponding beauty of mind, if not of heart. + +"Well," he replied, "and what do you take me for?" speaking with that +accent which in him I have often thought an additional charm. + +"A kind-hearted man and a good Christian; for you returned good for +evil, and repaid impertinence by making it the foundation of a +compliment. Still, I must presume again, and tell you that I believe +your laughs are like _jours de fête_; they do not come _every_ day." + +"Pour les jours de fête, non; ils ne me sont point venus tous les jours +que depuis mon arrivée ici; mais à présent, Mademoiselle, tous les jours +sont pour moi des jours de fête, et ma sainte est Sainte Helène."[5] + +[Footnote 5: For holidays, no: they never came to me every day, till I +came hither; but now, all days are holidays to me, and my saint is Saint +Helen.] + +I was not yet old enough to know how to receive compliments like these +without embarrassment; and to hide my awkwardness I exclaimed, "Why, +what can have become of them? I have lost them; they are quite gone." + +"_Qu'avez-vous perdu, Mademoiselle? Permettez-moi de le chercher. Dites +donc._"[6] + +[Footnote 6: But what are you seeking? let me look for it. Tell me.] + +"My fear and awe of you." + +"Fear and awe of me! _Oh! qu'ils s'en aillent tout de bon. Ce ne sont +pas les sentiments que je voudrais vous inspirer pour moi._"[7] As he +said this, there was an expression in his dark eyes which made me turn +mine away; and addressing my mother, I told her that our guest reminded +me of a little French paper toy which I had seen, called _deux têtes +sous un bonnet_; that at first view, it was a monk with a cowl on, but +that when the cowl was thrown off, there was a gay and smiling young +man. So it was with Mr. De Walden: when he first came, he seemed a grave +philosopher, and now he is an absolute lover of fun, and a laugher of +the first order. + +[Footnote 7: Oh, let them go away entirely! These are not the sentiments +with which I wish to inspire you.] + +"De grâce, Mademoiselle, dites-moi lequel des deux caractères vous plait +le plus; mais, ne me dites pas, je vous le demande en grâce, que je vous +offense le moins dans mon rôle de philosophe; Hélas! auprès de vous qui +pourroit rester philosophe?"[8] + +[Footnote 8: In pity tell me, which of these two characters pleases you +the most; but pray do not tell me that I offend you less as a +philosopher, for who that is near you can long remain a philosopher?] + +"I wish you," said I, "to resemble Democritus, who united the two +characters of laugher and philosopher; and you, if you please, shall be +the latter with my mother; you shall talk wisely and gravely with her, +but laugh and talk nonsense now and then with me." + +"Vous convenez donc de la justice de ma proposition, qu'auprès de vous +on ne peut être philosophe?"[9] + +[Footnote 9: You agree then to the justice of my proposition, that near +you no one can remain a philosopher?] + +I shook my head and held up my hand at him, not knowing exactly how to +answer: he seized it, and pressed it fervently to his lips. My mother, +I saw, enjoyed this dialogue; but my own heart reproached me for having +allowed myself to be amused and flattered into a sort of infidelity to +Seymour, by a man too who would be, I foresaw, warmly encouraged by my +mother. + +By this conversation, which has never been effaced from my memory, you +will suspect that my flippancy and the evident pleasure with which I +kept it up, were proofs that nothing but a prior attachment could have +preserved my affections from the power of De Walden, when he once +displayed to me all the variety of his talents, and the graces of his +mind. Even as it was, they would have had a more certain effect, but for +the injudicious eagerness with which my mother tried to force a +conviction of them upon me; for then my alarmed feelings took the part +of Seymour, and I was piqued into underrating her idol, because she +seemed to _overrate_ him. How very rarely is it that one can obtain or +give an opinion uninfluenced by temper, prejudice, or interest! + +"Is he not very handsome?" she used to say. + +"Yes, but I have seen a handsomer man." + +"Oh, you mean Seymour; he is handsomer certainly, but then he is not +near so tall." + +"No, but he is better made." + +"That _I_ never remarked; and I hope you will only impart the result of +your observation to _me_: others might think it indelicate. What a fine +countenance he has!" + +"Yes, _sometimes_, but not always; and I prefer one that is always so: I +like _perpetual_ rather than _occasional_ sun-shine.--It is disagreeable +to have to watch the sun peeping out from behind clouds." + +"Helen, Helen!" replied my mother, "weak, foolish girl! to like what no +one can on earth obtain--perpetual sun-shine in the moral world! And +after all, when one considers what this life is, its _long pains_ and +its _short pleasures_, the _riches_ of _one_ day succeeded by the +_poverty_ of the _next_, the ties which are _firmly knit_ only to be +_severed_ in _a moment_, and our _capacity_ and _cause_ for _enjoyment_ +never equal to our _capability_ and _cause_ of suffering; my child, what +a _poor, thoughtless, frivolous_ being must that be, whose _lip_ can +always _smile_, and whose _eye_ can always _sparkle_, whom fears for +_himself_ can never _depress_, nor fears for _time_ or for _eternity_, +or anxiety for the welfare or the peace of others, can alarm into +_self-government_!" + +You know that when my mother was roused into any mental emotion, she did +not talk, she harangued, she spoke as if she read out of a book; it was, +as you perceive, the case now. + +"My dear mother," replied I, "such a being as you describe would be as +odious to me as he could be to you; and his vivacity either of manner or +countenance must be the result of want of feelings, affections, or +intellect. To _such_ perpetual sun-shine, I, like you, should object. +But then the _clouds_ must not be occasioned by the absence of +good-humour, or by the presence of sulkiness and ill-humour, or by +hypochondriacal tendencies." + +"You do not suppose, Helen," she cried, with quickness, "that De Walden +is grave only because he is cross, and thoughtful only because he is +hypochondriacal?" + +"Were we talking of individuals, mamma?" + +"If not, you know we were thinking of them, Helen; and I feel only too +sensible that the pique with which you answer when I praise Ferdinand, +springs from your still powerful attachment to Seymour." + +I could not deny it: but my conscience reproached me for having, from a +feeling of jealousy on poor Seymour's account, not only seemed to +insinuate an ill-opinion of Ferdinand, which I did not entertain, but +for having also given unnecessary pain to my mother. Oh, my dear friend! +how often since I lost her have I reproached myself with these little +offences! and what I suffered for the more painful trials which I +inflicted on her, no words can describe, no regret can atone. Sad state +of human blindness, and human infirmity, when one seems conscious of the +duties which one owes to a parent, only after one is utterly deprived of +the means to atone for the neglect of them! + +By what I have said of my jealousy of my mother's admiration of +Ferdinand, you will see how much I had forgiven Seymour's imputed +ill-conduct, and how little I adhered to my resolution of forgetting +him. His letter and his new prize had much contributed to this. The +latter was a proof that he had been leading a regular and studious life; +and the former declared that my mother and myself were dearer to him +than _any one else_ in existence, and that our approbation was what he +most coveted.--Alas! when one loves, one easily believes what the +beloved object asserts. + +Still, however, spite of my constancy, De Walden, by his varied talents, +his rational pursuits, his instructive conversation, and his active +benevolence, gained on my esteem every day. He was constantly occupied +himself, and his example stimulated us to equal industry.--Weeks, +therefore, fled as if they were days; and I felt raised in my own +estimation, by seeing myself the constant object of interest to such a +man, and also by feeling myself able to appreciate him. + +If Seymour had not been able to write elegant prose, and gain prizes, my +constancy would have been in great danger. But as it was, there was +intellectuality on both sides; and I had only to weigh talent against +strength of mind and extensive information, throwing a great many +pleasant make-weights beside into the scale with the first. + +My feelings toward Seymour were now called into fresh vigour by a +letter from him, informing my mother that instead of having a monument +made on purpose for his beloved parent, which would not have been ready +for a considerable time, he had purchased one which had been nearly +finished for a gentleman who died before it was completed, and who had +intended it for his wife, and which the sculptor had been desired by the +heir-at-law not to trouble himself to complete. + +This monument Pendarves said had met all his ideas of simple and +classical beauty, and it would soon be ready for the inscription. This, +he added, he had also enclosed for the approbation of my mother and "his +cousin Helen," as he called me; considering the former as the +representative of his mother, and _me_ as the only woman after her whom +he wished to consult on any of his plans. + +We were excessively affected at the receipt of this letter; and De +Walden, who was present, appeared distressed at the sight of our +emotion. "What do you think of the inscription, my dear!" asked my +mother. + +"Ask Mr. De Walden what he thinks of it," I replied. + +It was as follows: + + HERE LIETH ALL THAT WAS MORTAL + OF + THE LADY HELEN PENDARVES. + READER, + PITY ONLY HER SURVIVORS. + +On the reverse side were to be the following words:-- + + THIS MONUMENT + IS ERECTED TO HER MEMORY + AS A TOKEN OF LOVE AND GRATITUDE, + BY HER ONLY CHILD, + WHOSE PROUDEST BOAST IT WILL ALWAYS BE, + THAT HE WAS + THE SON OF SUCH A WOMAN. + +As I expected, he exclaimed in its praise; and as he was a great +_theorizer_, he added much that delighted me, and much that consequently +made my mother uncomfortable. + +"It is," cried he, "simple and comprehensive. Oh! I must know him: +simple virtues, simple manners, and simple heart. Pompous writers not +much real feeling--not _true_. I must know Pendarves; a good son makes a +good friend, good every thing. When shall I see him?" + +My mother looked grave, and I saw that the observant eye of De Walden +remarked our contrary emotions with surprise, if not with uneasiness. + +"Then, I may tell Pendarves that you like the inscription; may I, +Helen?" said my mother. + +"Oh yes, that it is every thing I could wish;" and she retired to write. + +When she returned, it was evident that she had been weeping violently; +and De Walden, without saying a word, took her hand and pressed it +respectfully to his lips. + +This action, though it was at once feeling and affectionate, displeased +me; for it seemed to my oblique manner of viewing such things, an injury +to Pendarves, and in no very pleasant disposition of mind I left the +room. Nor can I doubt but that my absence gave my mother an opportunity +of telling De Walden all the circumstances of our situation with +Seymour; for on my rejoining them I found my mother looking agitated, +though also much pleased, and De Walden dejected, abstracted, and +silent. Need I add that I had long since had the pain of discovering +that he had conceived an attachment for me? + +You may easily believe that this letter from Seymour, and my mother's +assurance that he would certainly come to see the monument put up, did +not tend to further the suit which I foresaw in process of time would be +urged to me by De Walden. But the monument was sent down and erected, +and yet Pendarves did not arrive. Consequently we thought he would not +come at all; still, as precaution is wisdom, my mother with much +earnestness conjured me to pledge my solemn word to her, that if he came +I would not converse with him alone, should he be ever so desirous of an +interview, and that I would avoid him when he called at our house. This +was a trial of my filial duty for which I was not prepared, but my +mother was so bent on carrying her point, and she so solemnly expressed +her conviction that his conduct when in London was not amended, that I +gave at last the promise which she requested. + +"Now then," said I to myself, "I hope poor Seymour will _not_ come +down." + +Lady Helen's monument was placed next that of her husband, on which, by +desire of Lord Seymour, an account of the two families and of the manner +of his death, had been engraved in an ostentatious manner. Consequently +it had not been necessary for Seymour to give any additional details. My +mother likewise had found herself at liberty, when she hung up a +beautiful tablet to the memory of her husband, to confine herself to the +simplicity which she loved, and these last furnished a curious contrast +to the pompous copiousness of the first. + +Still it was not to enjoy the superiority of my mother's and Seymour's +taste, that I now so often visited the church, and resumed the custom +which I had adopted in America, of strewing the graves I honoured with +flowers. Oh no! it was because the _mother of Seymour Pendarves_ and the +_dearest friend of my youth_ slept beneath that spotless marble; and I +not only gratified my own feelings, but was sure my tribute would be +gratifying to those of Pendarves. + +Of _his_ father I had _no_ recollection, and of _my own_ not sufficient +to make such a tribute, had I paid it to him, more than an act of coldly +remembered duty; but my whole heart was interested when I performed it +in honour of Lady Helen; and the chill and colourless marble looked warm +and glowing, from the profusion of blooming flowers which I loved to +scatter on it. + +One morning, after offering, as usual, my tribute on this precious +monument, and while kneeling beside it, a deep sigh startled me, and I +beheld Seymour Pendarves, who had entered at another door, standing in +pleased contemplation of me; but the view which I allowed myself of him +was short indeed; my promise to my mother forcibly recurred to my mind, +and the shriek of surprise and even of alarm which I uttered on +beholding him so unexpectedly, was succeeded by my flying with the speed +of phrensy to the door behind me, before Seymour, thunder-struck, +mortified, and overcome by my seeming terror on observing him, could +recover himself sufficiently to prevent or overtake me. + +Alas! by the beating of my heart, and the trembling of my whole frame, I +knew too well that on hiding myself from him depended my only chance of +keeping my promise. I therefore took refuge in a cottage, the owner of +which was well known to me, instead of hastening home along the park, +where he must with ease have overtaken me. Accordingly, I followed a +sharp turning which led through a little lane to the cottage, and making +my way through the first room into the back one, I threw myself on a +bed, trembling and breathless. + +"What is the matter, my dear young lady?" cried the cottager. + +"Ask no questions, but shut the door," was my answer. + +She obeyed me, and I listened for several minutes for the sound of rapid +footsteps, but in vain. I felt mortified at finding that Seymour did not +trouble himself to pursue me; still I dared not go home, lest I should +meet him on my road. I was therefore obliged to tell the cottager that I +had a particular reason for wishing to avoid seeing Mr. Pendarves, and I +would thank her to watch, if she could do it unsuspected, for his +quitting the church, and inform me which way he went. + +"Yes, yes," replied the woman, shaking her head, "he shall not see you +if I can help it; for though to be sure I hear he is very good to the +poor, folks say he is but a wild one, and they do say--" + +Here, with an agonizing heart, and a gesture of indignant impatience, I +bade her begone and do as I desired. When she had disappeared, I clasped +my hands together convulsively. I sobbed aloud in the anguish of a +wounded spirit; "And can it be," I cried, "that he whose sweet and +pensive countenance so full of mournful tenderness I have just gazed +upon for a moment, and shall never be able to forget again; can he be a +man whose notoriously profligate habits make him the theme of abuse to +a person like this?" No; there is not one pang in the catalogue of human +suffering so acute as that which the heart feels from the consciousness +of the decided depravity of a being tenderly beloved. + +The woman on her return told me, "Mr. Pendarves was certainly seeking +me; that he had, on leaving the church, looked round, and then ran +several yards at full speed down the park, after which he stopped and +she thought it probable that he would soon be past the front window, but +she would look out and see." She did so, and having told me in a +whisper, adding that "through a hole in the little muslin curtain I +could see him without being seen," I was weak enough to take advantage +of the opportunity. He walked dejectedly and with folded arms; the glow +on his cheek, which the sight of me had deepened, was now succeeded by a +deadly paleness; and I felt a bitterness which not even my sense of his +errors could assuage, that he was wretched, and that I had made him so. +My spy watched him into his own house, and only then I ventured to +return to mine. I must say that I look back on this morning, spite of +the sufferings which I endured, with much self-satisfaction, as I had +completely acted up to the dictates of filial duty under the strongest +temptation of disobeying them, as my mother was gone with De Walden to +spend the day from home; and had I not conscientiously avoided Seymour, +I might even without any positive infringement of duty, have exposed +myself to the risk of seeing him undisturbed by her presence. Happily, +however, my principles were too firm to allow me to be satisfied with +this subterfuge, and, as I before said, I recall this day with +satisfaction. + +Every hour I expected that Seymour would call, but he did not come: +however, I saw his servant ride up to the gate, deliver a note, and wait +for an answer. I gave it verbally to my own maid. It was, that Mrs. +Pendarves was gone out for the whole day. Shall I confess that I _hoped_ +Seymour would, on hearing this, make an attempt to see me, though I was +resolved to refuse him attendance; and I was _mortified_ that he did +not? Just before I expected my mother and De Walden would return, I saw +Seymour's servant come to the door again, and deliver another note, as +it seemed; but when it was brought into the room, I found it was a +letter to me! I was at once relieved, agitated, miserable and delighted; +yet my hand trembled so much I thought I should never be able to open +the letter. The following were its contents:-- + + "When this letter reaches you, Miss Pendarves, I shall be at a + distance from that scene which to me can now never again be a home, + but which is endeared to me by such tender recollections, that not + even by the miserable ones which now must succeed to them can they + be ever effaced. + + "Oh, my beloved mother! could you have believed that your son could + be refused admittance within the doors of your dearest friend, and + forbidden even to speak to the playfellow and companion of his + childhood, and the once appointed sharer of his heart and his + fortunes? Could you have thought that the friend who adored you + would have gone from home purposely to avoid him, and to avoid his + just reproaches; because, without any _new_ offence on his part, + she had not only resolved never to allow him to address her + daughter, but had pledged that daughter's hand, as he is informed, + to another? And yet her parting words were, 'Your marriage with + Helen depends wholly on yourself!' These words I never have + forgotten; they regulated my conduct, they gave strength to my + resolutions; I came hither full of hope, and I go hence overwhelmed + with despair. For my claims, claims which I have _never resigned_, + have been disregarded, and Helen will be the wife of a stranger, + the acquaintance of yesterday! + + "Nay more, at sight of me, Helen herself, the conscious Helen, fled + as from a pestilence! And at what a moment too, when I had + surprised her in an office the most flattering to your memory, and + the most precious to my heart! + + "Cruel Helen! what have you done? and what have _I_ done to be so + treated? Surely it was from your mother herself that I should first + have heard of your intended marriage. But no: I refused to believe + it till your flight and your countenance of terror on seeing me + confirmed the horrible truth. + + "But though you might not be able to tell it me yourself, why did + Mrs. Pendarves avoid me? why, when I wrote to tell her I was coming + for a single day, did she not make a point of seeing me either at + her own house or at mine? But I will not detain you much longer + from your attention to the happy stranger. + + "Oh, Helen! had you continued to encourage my hopes, I might have + been a happiness to myself and an ornament to society. But + now--yes, now, it will be well if I am not a disgrace to it. But + why do I continue to write? Shall I tell you, Helen? It is because + I feel that I am addressing you for the _last time_; for the wife + of the Count De Walden must not, I know, receive letters from + + "SEYMOUR PENDARVES." + +Though I now think, and you will probably think so too, that this letter +was written full as much from the head as from the heart, you will not +wonder that it bent me to the earth in agony; and that when my mother +entered the hall on her return, she heard my voice uttering the tones of +loud lamentation, and found me in the arms of the terrified servants. +Never have I since suffered myself to be so weakly overpowered. I try to +excuse such weakness by the state of my health at the time. +Indisposition, and a tendency to a severe feverish cold, had prevented +me from accompanying my mother and De Walden. Nor did the sudden +surprise of seeing Pendarves steady my nerves, or decrease my fever; but +these circumstances prepared the way for the letter to affect me as it +did, and to excuse in some measure the state in which my mother beheld +me. + +An open letter near me, in the hand-writing of Pendarves, accounted for +all that she saw. I was become more composed, though I did not speak, +and she then eagerly inquired, but she soon desisted, to express her +surprise at the charge of having gone out purposely to avoid him; for no +such letter had ever reached her: in consequence of some accident it did +not arrive till the next day. She declared she could not sleep till she +had written to Seymour to exonerate herself from so heavy a charge. I +wished to say, "and to assure him, I hope, that I am not engaged to De +Walden, that, on the contrary, he is not even a declared lover:" but I +_dared_ not say this; and my mother read on--but she read hastily, and +wished, I saw, to conceal from me the painful emotions which the letter +occasioned her. She therefore insisted on my forgetting these +ill-founded reproaches, as she called them; she then left me, to write +to Seymour. + +The next morning Seymour's servant came to say, he was going to rejoin +his master, and wished to know if we had any commands for him. To him, +therefore, was consigned the exculpatory letter. But of this I had no +knowledge at the time; for when my mother and the servant entered the +room next day, they found me in all the restlessness of fast-increasing +illness, and my mother, before night, was assured by the medical +attendants, that I was suffering under a very formidable attack of the +scarlet fever. + +For three days and nights my life was despaired of; and as, according to +the merciful dispensations of Providence, "good always springs from +evil," my mother learnt to know, from the danger of her only child, that +life was not so valueless to her, as she was sometimes disposed to think +it. But hope succeeding to fear, on the fourth morning from my seizure I +was pronounced out of danger. Yet a cloud, and that a dark one, still +hung over my mother's prospects; for I had named Seymour in my delirium, +in such terms as convinced her that he was ever uppermost in my mind, +and that my illness had been the consequence of misery endured on his +account. + +De Walden, during this time, was in a state of painful anxiety. Scarcely +could he be prevailed upon to keep out of the infected chamber; his +nights were never once passed in bed, till I was declared to be in +safety; and on my recovery, I had to experience the mortifying necessity +of owing gratitude where I believed that I could never make an adequate +return of affection. + +Well, I recovered, though I remained for many weeks thin, languid, and +afflicted with the disagreeable local complaints which often attend on +the subsiding of a fever like mine, particularly inflammations of the +eyelid, and I could not bear for some time to have my eyes uncovered. +During this period of suffering, De Walden devoted his whole time to +amusing me. He read to me while I reclined upon the sofa, and I forgot +my complaints while listening to his intelligent comments on what he +read. It was therefore with considerable concern that I saw him depart +for Cambridge, in October; but my concern was joy to his. Never did I +see any one more agitated on such an occasion, and scarcely could the +presence of my mother restrain the declaration of love which hovered on +his lips, and which I dreaded to hear! but he did restrain it; for he +had promised her that he would do so, on her assurance that the time was +not come for its being favourably received. + +At Christmas he returned to us, and the surprise which he showed at +sight of me, convinced us of the great change which had taken place in +my appearance, in consequence, as is sometimes the case at my age, (for +I was not yet seventeen,) of a severe fever. I was become taller by +several inches; that is, I had become from five feet five, full five +feet eight, and from my upright carriage, as I have heard you remark, I +look considerably taller. But I am quite sure, that had the attachment +of De Walden been founded on my personal appearance, it would, during +his stay with us, have completely vanished; for my eyes were inflamed, +my _embonpoint_ had not increased, and my colour was not only gone, but +my complexion looked thick as well as pale. I perceived, however, no +diminution in the ardent devotion which his manner expressed, and I +sighed while I thought, that had Seymour Pendarves seen me, he perhaps +would not have remained so constant. + +What an argument was this belief for me to try to conquer my attachment! +But certain it is, that the example of Lady Helen and my mother +influenced me even unconsciously to myself, and that I considered +eternal constancy as praiseworthy, and not blameable. Love had led my +mother and my admirable friend and monitress to leave their parents and +country, and they had wept the loss of husbands thus exclusively +beloved, in sacred singleness of attachment. It was in vain, therefore, +that my mother told me love was to be conquered, and that she insinuated +it was even indelicate to pine after an object who was perhaps unworthy, +and certainly negligent, if not faithless. Her example, as I before +said, had raised the passion in my estimation; the object of my love was +one on whom my eyes had first opened, one who was associated with my +earliest and happiest recollections, one too, who, she must remember, +had at an early age saved my life at the hazard of his own (a story I +shall tell by-and-by); and I could not but think she wished me to forget +Seymour, chiefly because she preferred Ferdinand. I believe I have +forgotten to mention, that Seymour Pendarves went abroad as soon as he +left our village, and that he did not receive my mother's explanatory +letter till several months after it was written. + +In January, De Walden returned to college, and I was still so unwell, +that my mother wished me to change the air; and as business required her +to undertake a journey, we set off, in February, on a tour. + +I have never, I believe, during my whole narrative, mentioned some of my +relations more than once, and this has been from a wish of not +encumbering it with unnecessary characters. The uncle with whom my +mother had lived previously to her marriage, who occasionally spent +months at our house, and whom we visited in return, died suddenly, at a +very advanced age, during my illness. It was this event which called my +mother, as one of the executors, as well as residuary legatee, from her +home. + +The weather was cold, dry, February weather, and the brightness of the +road, from the effect of frost and sun, was so painful to my eyes, that +my mother resolved to travel all night, and repose in the day, after our +second stage from London; and we set off for Oxford at one in the +morning. From the ruggedness of the road, however, and the care which +our coachman always took of our horses, we had full leisure to dwell on +the possibility of our being robbed; when about three in the morning, +two horsemen rode past the carriage, and one of them looked into the +window next my mother, which she had just let down: but he rode on, and +we were grasping each other's hand, in terrified silence, when he came +back again, and desired the postilions to stop. Our footman, who was on +the box, was disposed to resist this command; when a faint voice, the +voice of the other gentleman, who now rode slowly up, conjured them to +stop for mercy's sake, for they were not highwaymen: the first now came +up to the window, and begged to be heard. + +He and his friend, he said, were Oxford students, who had been to +London, without leave; and if they were missing another morning at +chapel, they were liable to a punishment which they wished to avoid; but +they should certainly have reached Oxford in excellent time, had not his +companion been taken extremely ill; and unless we would take him in, he +must stop at the next house, at whatever risk. + +You may suppose that my mother did not hesitate: she instantly desired +the footman to assist the gentleman into the coach, and mount his +horse--a plan which was thankfully acceded to. His companion instantly +galloped off at full speed for Oxford. + +The invalid, unable to speak, sank back exhausted in one corner, and +seemed most thankful, though he spoke almost inaudibly, for the use of +my mother's smelling-bottle. + +The weather had now experienced such a change, that the frost was gone; +though the night was so dark, that the stranger could not distinguish +our faces, nor we his. Indeed, he appeared to be insensible of external +objects, and heedless of sounds, for he did not always answer my +mother's kind inquiries. + +I, meanwhile, was as silent as the invalid, and sat back in the coach, +to indulge in the feelings which agitated me at the idea, that before +long I should be in the very place which probably contained Pendarves, +but without the remotest chance of seeing him. At length, we heard a +village-clock strike four, and day began to dawn: my mother let down the +glass, to feel, for a while, the refreshing breeze of morning. As she +did this, desiring me to keep my thick veil wrapped close round my face, +for fear of cold, the invalid said he would put his head out of the +window, for he thought that the air would revive him. My mother drew +back to make room for him; when, as the rays of the red and yellow dawn +fell on his wan face, she recognized in this object of her kindness, +Seymour Pendarves himself. + +He, too, as her veil was thrown back, knew her at the same moment; and +faintly ejaculating-- + +"Is it possible?" he turned his eyes eagerly toward me, then seized both +her hands, and resting them on her knees, buried his face in them, and +burst into tears; while, with the hand next me, he grasped mine, which +was involuntarily extended towards him. + +A painful silence ensued--the result of most uncomfortable feelings, +which, on the side of Pendarves, were accompanied by the most +distressing consciousness; for we had as it were detected him in a +breach of college rules; and, but for us, his irregularity of conduct +might, perhaps, have exposed him to the disgrace of expulsion; so much +for that amendment on which _alone_ depended his union with me. That was +an event, however, which, though we knew it not, he had ceased to make +probable; for the report of my engagement to De Walden was still +current, wherever we were known; and if he had not known that Mr. +Pendarves, the head of the family, knew nothing of this intended +marriage, Seymour would have been convinced it was a fact _himself_. + +My mother's tears now fell silently down her cheek, and in spite of +herself she pressed her forehead on the head of Seymour, as it still +rested on her knees. Certain it is, that she loved him with much of a +mother's tenderness--loved him also because he resembled his father and +mine--and loved him still more because he was all that remained to her +of her ever-regretted friend. The opposition to our union, therefore, +was the strongest proof possible of the strength of her principles, and +of her affection for me; for, though she thus loved, she rejected him, +because she was sure that he was not likely to make her daughter happy. + +My mother was the first to break silence. In a voice of great feeling, +she said, "Seymour! unhappy young man! why do I see you _here_, +infringing college rules? and why do I see you thus? Have you been ill +long? have you had no advice?" It was now quite day; and, as he raised +his head, the wild wanness of his look was terrible to us both, and it +was with difficulty that I could prevent myself from sobbing audibly, +while I anxiously expected his answer. + +"Spare me! spare me!" cried he mournfully, "a painful confession of +follies." + +"Did not business carry you to London, Seymour?" + +"No--nor kept me there. It was the search of pleasure; and I have +scarcely been in bed for three nights. Yet no; let me do myself some +little justice: I was unhappy, and I _am_ unhappy. By denying me all +hope of Helen, you made me desperate, and I fled to riotous living, to +get away from myself; therefore, do not reproach me; I am quite punished +enough by seeing before me the intended wife of the Count de +Walden--curses on the name! Tell me," cried he wildly, seeing that my +mother hesitated to speak, "am I not right? Is not my Helen, as I once +thought her, betrothed to De Walden?" + +"Oh, no--no!" cried I, eagerly, and I caught my mother's eye rather +sternly fixed upon me; but I regarded it not, for I felt at the very +bottom of my heart the sudden change from misery to joy which Seymour's +face now exhibited. He could not speak--his heart was too full; but +leaning back, overcome both with physical and moral exhaustion, he +nearly fainted away. He was soon, however, roused to new energy by the +indignation with which he listened to what my mother felt herself called +upon to say. I shall not enter into a detail of her observations; +suffice, that she candidly told him her objections to his being allowed +to address me remained in full force, as did her ardent wish that I +should marry De Walden, who had offered himself as my lover, and who +(she was certain) would as surely make me happy in marriage, as he would +make me _miserable_. + +When she had ended, he thanked her for her candour, but coldly reminded +her that he had always said he would never take a refusal from any lips +but mine--and he retained his resolution. + +"And now," said he, "the opportunity is arrived. Helen! such as I +am--not worthy of you, I own, except as far as tender and constant love +can make me so--I offer myself to your acceptance. Speak--Yes or No--and +speak as your heart dictates!" + +I remained silent for a minute; then faltered out, sighing deeply as I +spoke, "I have no will--can have no will--but my mother's." + +"Enough!" replied he, in a tone and with a look which seemed to me to be +the climax of despair. "Hark!" cried he, "the Oxford clocks are striking +six--why do I linger here? for here I am sure I have no longer any +business!" + +He let down the glass, and desired the postilions to stop, while the +footman rode up to the door. This little exertion seemed too much for +him, and he sunk back quite exhausted, while my mother tried to take one +of his hands. + +"Pshaw!" cried he, throwing her hand from him--"give me love or give me +hate; no half-measures for me; nor hope, when you and your daughter have +given me my death-blow, that I will accept of _emollients_. I thank you, +madam, as I would a _stranger_, for your _courtesy_ in admitting me +here, and I wish you both good morning." + +Again his strength failed him, and he was forced to wipe the dews of +weakness from his forehead. + +"Go, I must--even if I die in the effort!" he then exclaimed. + +I could not bear this; and while my mother herself, greatly affected, +held me back, I tried to catch him by the arm; and, in a voice which +evinced the deep feeling of my soul, I exclaimed, "Stay, dear Seymour! +you are not fit to go--you are not, indeed!" But I spoke in vain: he +mounted his horse, assisted by the servant, while I broke from my +mother, and stretched out my clasped hands to him in fruitless +supplication; then giving me a look of such mixed expression, that I +could not exactly say whether it most pained or gratified me, he was out +of sight in a moment, while I looked after him till I could see him no +longer; and even then I still looked, in hopes of seeing him again. I +did see him again, just as we had entered Oxford, and were passing +Magdalen; he _stood at the gate_; he had, therefore, _seen_ my long, +earnest gaze, as if in search of him; and though I felt confused, I also +felt comforted by it. In another moment we were near him, and his eyes +met mine with an expression mournful, tender, and I thought, grateful, +too, for the interest which I took in him. He kissed his hand to me, and +then disappeared within the gates. + +"Helen!" said my mother, "I meant to have stopped here, to refresh the +horses and ourselves; but after what I have seen this morning, I shall +proceed immediately." + +She left the footman, however, behind, to bring us word the next day how +Mr. Pendarves was. Oh! how I loved her for this kind attention! But then +she was a rare instance of the union of strong feelings with unbending +principle. + +Methinks I hear you say, "I hope you were now convinced that Seymour's +attachment as well as Ferdinand's, was founded on too good a basis to be +shaken by your altered looks." + +No, indeed, I was not; for so conscious was I that my looks were +altered, I _never once_ lifted up my veil before Pendarves. I dare say, +both he and my mother imputed this to the wish of hiding my emotion, +whereas it was in fact only to hide my inflamed eyes, and my _ugliness_. +But what a degrading confession for a heroine to make! to plead guilty +of having bad eyes and a plain face! It is as bad as Amelia's broken +nose. But _n'importe_: my eyes, like her nose, will get well again; and, +like her, I shall come out a complete beauty, when no one could expect +it. + +We awaited with great impatience the return of the servant, from whom we +learnt that Mr. Pendarves had been seized with an alarming fit on +leaving the chapel, and was pronounced to be in an inflammatory fever. + +"O my dear mother!" cried I, wildly, "he has no one to nurse him now +that loves him!" + +"But he _shall_ have," she replied; and in another hour we were on our +road to Oxford. My mother insisted on being admitted to the bedside of +the unconscious sufferer, who in his delirium was ever blaming the +cruelty of _her_ who was now watching and weeping beside his pillow. +Long was his illness, and severe his suffering: but he struggled +through; and the first object whom he beheld on recovering his +recollection, was my mother leaning over him with the anxiety of a real +parent. Never could poor Seymour recall this moment of his life without +tears of grateful tenderness. + +He was too much disappointed, however, to find that her resolution not +to allow him to address me remained in full force; for the circumstances +on which it was founded were added to, rather than diminished. Nor could +his assertion, that his dissipation was owing to the despair into which +she had plunged him, at all excuse him in her eyes, for she could not +admit that any sorrow could be an excuse for error. + +This, indeed, far from its being a motive to move her heart in his +favour, closed it the more against him; as it proved she thought that +from his weakness of character he never could deserve to be intrusted +with the happiness of her child. + +Bitter, therefore, was his mortification, when, on expressing the hopes +to which her kindness had given birth, she assured him that her +sentiments remained unaltered. + +"Then, madam," cried he, "why were you so cruel as to save my life?" + +"Young man," she gravely replied, "was it not my duty to try to save +your life, that you might try to amend it? Were you prepared to meet +that terrible tribunal from which even the most perfect shrink back +appalled?" + +On his complete recovery, my mother and I proceeded to the house of my +uncle, now become our property; and thence we returned home. The +following vacation Seymour finally left college, and again went abroad. + +He wrote a farewell letter to my mother, as eloquent as gratitude and +even filial affection could make it: she wept over it and exclaimed, + +"Oh, that the generous-hearted creature who wrote this should not be all +I wish him! He is like a beautiful but unsupported edifice, fair to +behold, but dangerous to lean against!" + +There was one part of the letter, however, which my mother did not +understand: I fancied that I did, though I did not own it. He assured +her, that in spite of everything he carried more hope away in his heart +than he had ever yet known: hope, and even a _precious conviction_ which +he _had never known before_, and which he was sure his cousin Helen +would wish him to possess, as it would be to him the _strongest shield_ +against _temptation_. + +"My dear," said my mother, after long consideration, "how stupid I have +been not to understand this sooner! He certainly means that he is become +very religious: and that this hope, this sweet conviction, are faith and +another world. Dear Seymour, I am so glad! for though I do not choose +you should marry a Methodist, and one extreme is to me as unpleasant as +another, still I believe Methodists to be a very happy people; and I +hope Seymour, for his own sake, will not change again." + +I smiled, but said nothing; for I put a very different interpretation on +his words. As it appeared to me, his _hope_ and _conviction_ were that +he possessed _my love_, and that my compliance with my mother's will was +wholly against my own; for I recollected the tone in which I had replied +to his question concerning my engagement to De Walden, "Oh, no! no!" and +also my scream of agony in spite of his alarming weakness when he +persevered in leaving us, and the anxiety with which I looked at him at +the gates of Magdalen. Yes, when we exchanged that look, I felt that our +hearts understood each other, and I was sure that the shield to which +Seymour alluded was his conviction of my love. + +But alas! he was absent--De Walden was present. He came to us at the +beginning of the long vacation, and was to remain with us till he +returned to college. + +My mother now urged me to admit the addresses of De Walden, showing me +at the same time a letter from his uncle, in which he expressed his +earnest desire that his nephew should be a successful suitor, and +offering to make a splendid addition to his fortune whenever he should +become my husband. In short, could the prospect of rank and fortune, +could manly beauty, superior sense, unspotted virtues, and uncommon +acquirements, have made me unfaithful to my first attachment, unfaithful +I should soon have become; but though the attentions of De Walden could +not annihilate, they certainly weakened it. No wonder that they should +do so, when I was so little sure of the stability of Seymour's +affection, that I was fearful it would be weakened by any change in my +external appearance, and as I had often heard him say, he did not admire +tall women, I own I was weak enough to be uneasy at the growth +consequent upon my fever; and I was glad, when we met in the coach, not +only that my veil concealed my altered looks, but that, as I was seated, +he could not discover my almost may-pole height. + +De Walden, on the contrary, admired tall women; and declared that I had +now reached the exact height which gave majesty to the female figure +without diminishing its grace; and as I really thought myself too tall, +his praise (for flattery it was not) was particularly welcome to me. +Whatever was the cause, whether I liked De Walden so well, that I liked +Seymour so much less as to cease to be fretted by his absence, I cannot +tell; but certain it is that I recovered my bloom, and that from the +increase of my _embonpoint_, my mother feared I should become too fat +for a girl of seventeen: my spirits too recovered all their former +gaiety, so that October, the time for the departure of De Walden, +arrived before I was conscious that he had been with us half his +accustomed time. + +My mother now naturally enough augured well for the success of his suit; +and I owned that I was no longer averse to listen to his love, but that +I would on no account engage myself to him till I was _quite sure_ I had +conquered my attachment to Pendarves. + +This was certainly conceding a great deal, and De Walden left us full of +hope for the first time; while I, who felt much of my affection for him +vanish when I no longer listened to the deep persuasive tones of his +voice, should have repented having gone so far, had I not seen happiness +beaming in my beloved mother's face. + +At Christmas De Walden came to us again, and I then found that in such +cases it is impossible (to use an expressive phrase) "_to say A without +saying B_;" I had gone so far that I was expected to go further; and but +for the secret misgivings of my own heart, and the firm dictates of my +own judgment, De Walden would have returned to college in January my +betrothed husband. But, though we had not received any tidings from +Pendarves, and my mother felt assured of his inconstancy, I persevered +firmly in my resolution not to _engage_ myself till I _had seen him +again_, and could be assured, by seeing him with indifference, that my +heart had really changed its master. + +You will wonder, perhaps, how a man of Ferdinand's delicacy could wish +to accept a heart which had been so long wedded to another, and that +other a living object. But my mother had convinced herself, and had no +difficulty in convincing him, that I was deceived in the strength of my +former attachment; that she had originally, though unconsciously, +directed my thoughts to him; that, like a romantic girl, I had thought +it pretty to be in love, and that my fancied passion had been irritated +by obstacles; but that, when once _his_ wife, I should find that _he +alone_ had ever been the real possessor of my affections. + +It is curious to observe how easily even the most sensible persons can +forget, and believe, according to their wishes. My mother had absolutely +forgotten the proofs of my strong attachment to Seymour, which she had +once so much deplored. She forgot my illness, which if not caused was +increased by his letter of reproach; she forgot the tell-tale misery +which I had exhibited on the road to Oxford, and she did not read in the +firmness with which I still persisted to see Seymour again, a secret +suspicion of still lingering love. + +But the crisis of our fates was fast approaching: I received an +invitation to spend the months of May and June in London, with a friend +who had once resided near us, and who had gone to reside in the +metropolis. + +I felt a great desire to accept this invitation; and my mother kindly +permitted me to go, but declined going herself, saying that it was time +_I_ should learn to live without _her_, and _she_ without _me_. +Accordingly, for the first time we were separated. But this separation +was soon soothed to me by the charms of the life which I was leading. I +was a new face: I was only seventeen, and I was _said_ to be the heiress +of considerable property. This, you know, was an exaggeration; my +fortune was handsome, but not very large: however, I was followed and +courted, but none of my admirers were in my opinion at all equal to +Seymour or De Walden: they gratified my vanity, but they failed to touch +my heart. + +One day at an exhibition, I met a newly-married lady, who when single +had been staying in the neighbourhood of my mother's uncle during our +last visit, and was much admired both by my mother and myself. This +meeting gave us great pleasure, and she hoped I would come and see her +at her lodgings. I promised that I would. + +"But there is nothing like the time present: will you go home with me +now, and spend a quiet day? You must come again when my husband is at +home and I have a party; but he dines out to-day, and I shall be alone +till evening." + +"But I am not dressed." + +"Oh! I can send for your things and your maid; and such an opportunity +as this of telling you all about my love and my marriage may never occur +again." + +I was as eager to hear as she was to tell; my friend consented to part +with me, and I accompanied her home. + +In the afternoon while we were expecting two or three ladies of her +acquaintance, and were preparing to walk with them in the park, my +friend received a little note from her husband. + +"That is so like Ridley," said she. "However, this is an improvement; +for he often goes out and invites half-a-dozen people to dinner without +giving me any notice: but now he has only invited one man to supper, and +has sent to let me know they are coming. His name I see is the same as +yours, Seymour Pendarves: is he a cousin of yours?" + +"What!" cried I, almost gasping for breath, "Seymour Pendarves in +England, and coming hither!" + +"Yes; but what is the matter, or why are you so agitated?" + +"If you please I will go home, I had rather go home." + +Mrs. Ridley looked at me with wonder and concern, but she was too +delicate to ask me for the confidence which she saw I was not disposed +to give. She therefore mildly replied that if I must leave her, she +would order her servant to attend me. + +A few moments had restored my self-possession: and I thought that as the +time was now arrived when I could, by seeing Pendarves, enable myself to +judge of the real state of my heart, I should be wrong to run away from +the opportunity. + +"But pray tell me," said I, "when you expect Mr. Ridley and his +friends?" + +"Oh not till it is dark, not till near supper-time." + +Immediately (I am ashamed of my girlish folly) I had a strong desire to +discover whether Seymour would recognise my person, altered as it was in +height and in size; and I also wished to get over the first flutter of +seeing him without its being perceived by him. In consequence I told +Mrs. Ridley that Seymour was my cousin, but that he had not seen me +_standing_ since I was grown so very tall; and I had a great wish to +ascertain whether he would know me. "Therefore," said I, "do not order +candles till we have sat a little while." + +Mrs. Ridley smiled, fully persuaded that, though I might speak the +truth, I did not speak _all_ the truth. I was at liberty in the mean +time, during our walk in the park, to indulge in reverie, and to try to +strengthen my agitated nerves against the approaching interview. But +concerning what was I now anxious?--Not so much to ascertain whether I +loved _him_, but whether he loved _me_. Alas! this anxiety was a certain +proof that he was still the possessor of my heart, and that of course I +ought not to be and could not be the wife of De Walden. + +Just as we stopped at the door, on our return from our walk, Mr. Ridley +was knocking at it, accompanied by Seymour. I felt myself excessively +agitated, while I pulled my hat and veil over my face: to avoid a +shower, we had crowded into a hackney-coach. Luckily I had not to get +out first; but judge how I trembled when I found Seymour's hand +presented to assist me. My foot slipped, and if he had not caught me in +his arms, I should have fallen. Mrs. Ridley, however, good-naturedly +observed, that she had been nearly falling herself, the step was so bad, +and her friend _Miss Pen_ was also very short-sighted. I now walked up +stairs, tottering as I went. + +"Fanny," whispered Mr. Ridley to his wife, "who is she?" She told him I +was a Miss Pen, and she would tell him more by and by. + +"Pray, Fanny, when do you mean to have candles?" said Mr. Ridley. + +"Not yet; not till we go to take off our bonnets. I like this light, it +is so pleasant to the eyes." + +"Yes, and so cheap too," replied her husband. "But I wonder you should +like this sort of light, Fanny, for you are far removed yet from that +period of life when _le petit jour_ is so favourable to beauty: you are +still young enough to bear the searching light of broad-eyed day, and so +I trust are all the ladies present; though I must own a _veil_ is always +a suspicious circumstance," he added, coming up to me. + +"Yes, yes," said his wife, "I always suspect a veil is worn to conceal +something." + +"But it may be worn in mercy," he added; "and perhaps it is so here, if +I may judge of what is hidden by what is shown: if I may form an opinion +indeed from that hand and arm, on which youth and beauty are so legibly +written, I--" + +Here, confused and almost provoked, I drew on my gloves; and Mrs. +Ridley, who loved fun, whispered her husband, + +"Do not go on; she is quite ugly, scarred with the confluent small-pox, +blear-eyed, and hideous: you will be surprised when you see her face." + +She then begged to speak to me; and as I walked across the room in which +we sat to join her in the next, I saw Ridley whisper Pendarves. + +"May be so," he replied: "but her figure and form are almost the finest +I ever saw." + +"And yet I am so very tall," said I to myself with a joy that vibrated +through my frame. + +The conversation now became general; and on a lady's being mentioned who +had married a second husband before the first had been dead quite a +year, Pendarves, to my consternation, began a violent philippic against +women, declaring that scarcely one of us was capable of a persevering +attachment; that the best and dearest of husbands might be forgotten in +six months; and that those men only could expect to be happy who laid +their plans for happiness independently of woman's love. + +It is strange, but true, that the indignation which this speech excited +in me enabled me to conquer at once the agitation which had hitherto +kept me silent. Coming hastily forward, I exclaimed, while he rose +respectfully, + +"Is it for you, Mr. Seymour Pendarves, to hold such language as this? +Have you forgotten Lady Helen, your own blessed mother, and her friend +and yours?" + +So saying, while he stood confounded, self-judged, and full of wonder, +for the voice and manner were mine, but the height and figure were no +longer so,--I left the room; and a violent burst of tears relieved my +oppressed heart. + +Mrs. Ridley then rang for a candle and considerately left me to myself. + +Oh! the flutter of that moment when I re-entered the drawing-room, which +I found brilliantly lighted up! Seymour, who had I found now doubted, +and now believed, the evidence of his ears in opposition to that of his +sight, was standing at the window; but he turned hastily round at my +entrance, and our eyes instantly met. + +"Helen!" exclaimed he, springing forward to meet me, while my hand was +extended toward him; and I believe my countenance was equally +encouraging. That yielded hand was pressed by turns to his lips and his +heart; but still we neither of us spoke, and Seymour suddenly +disappeared. + +Mr. Ridley, who was that _melancholy_ thing to other people a _professed +joker_, to my great relief (as it enabled me to recover myself,) now +came up to me bowing respectfully, and begged me to veil my face again; +for he saw that my excessive ugliness had been too much for his poor +friend, and he hoped for his sake, as well as that of the rest of +mankind, I would conceal myself from sight. + +I told him, when his friend came back I would consider of his +proposition, and if he approved it I would veil directly. + +Before Seymour returned, I asked Mr. Ridley whether he suspected who his +presuming monitor was. + +"Pray, madam," he archly replied, "say that word again. What are you to +Mr. Pendarves?" + +"I said 'Monitor.'" + +"Oh--_monitor_! I thought you were _something_ to him, but did not +exactly _know what_. No wonder he was so alarmed at sight of you, for +monitors, I believe, have a right to chastise their pupils; and I begin +now to fear he will not come back. Do you use the ferule or the rod, +Miss Pendarves?" + +"You have not yet answered my question, sir!" + +"Oh! I forgot. 'Heavens!' cried he, as you closed the door, 'is it +possible? Could that be my cousin, Helen Pendarves? Yes, it could be no +other; and yet'----Is that like him, madam?" + +"Oh! very!" + +"'Well,' I, in the simplicity of my heart, replied, 'your cousin she may +be; but my wife told me her name was Pen.' + +"'Oh yes, it must be Helen--it was her own sweet voice and manner!' + +"'She is given to scolding, then--is she?' said I. + +"'Oh!' said he, 'she is!' But I will spare your blushes, madam; though I +must own that I could not believe you _were_ the lady in question, +because my wife told me you were hideous to behold, and _he_ said you +were a beauty: besides, when he last saw you, he added, you were thin +and short; but then he eagerly observed, that a year and a half made a +great difference sometimes, and you had not met during that period. But +here comes the gentleman to answer your questions himself. What I +further said did not at all please him." + +"No! what was it, sir?" + +"That, if you were indeed Miss Helen Pendarves, you were a great +nuisance, for that you had won and broken at least a dozen hearts; but +that it was a comfort to know you would soon be removed from the power +of doing further mischief, as you were going to be married to a Swiss +gentleman, and would soon leave the kingdom." + +"And you told him this?" cried I, turning very faint. + +"Yes, I did; and he had just turned away from me, when you made your +appearance." + +Seymour now entered the room; and I was, from this conversation, at no +loss to account for the gloom which overspread his countenance, while he +hoped Miss Pendarves was well. + +"My dear Fanny," said Mr. Ridley, who must have his joke, "I hope you +will make proper apologies to this gentleman and me, for having exposed +us to such a horrible surprise as the sight of that lady's face has +given us. Pray, was this ungenerous plan of concealment Miss Pendarves's +or yours?" + +"Her's, entirely." + +"But what was her motive?" + +"She wished to see whether her cousin would know her through her veil." + +"Oh! she was acting Clara in the Duenna; you know she plays Don +Ferdinand some such trick." + +"True; but Ferdinand and Clara were _lovers_, not cousins." + +"Cannot cousins be lovers, Fanny?" + +Here the entrance of the servant with supper interrupted the +conversation, and Seymour and I sat down to it with what appetite we +could. + +"It is astonishing," said Mr. Ridley, "what use and habit can effect; I +have already conquered my horror at sight of your friend's face; and I +see Mr. Pendarves has not only done the same, but I suspect he is +meditating a drawing of it, to send to the Royal Society, as a _lusus +naturæ_." + +In spite of himself, Seymour smiled at this speech, and replied, while I +looked very foolish, that he was gazing at me with wonder, as he could +not conceive how I had gained so many inches in height since he saw me. + +"I grew several inches after my fever," I replied. + +"Fever? When--where--what fever, Helen? I never heard you were ill." + +"Oh yes, I was--and my life was despaired of." + +"You in danger, Helen, and I never knew it!" + +"It was really very unkind," said Ridley, "to keep such a delightful +piece of intelligence from you." + +"But _when_ was it, dear Helen?" + +"When I saw you on the road to Oxford, I was only just recovered." + +"Only just recovered! You did not look ill; but I remember you had your +veil down, so I really did not see your face." + +"So, so; wearing her veil down is a common thing with her--is it? I am +glad she is so considerate." + +These jokes, however, had their use; for they tended to keep under the +indulgence of feelings which required to be restrained in both of us, in +the presence of others. + +"But, when were you first seized, Helen? and what brought on your +fever?" said Seymour, as if urged by some secret consciousness. + +You will not wonder that I blushed, and even stammered, as I answered, +"I was not quite well when I saw you in the church--and--and----" + +"And what?" + +"I was seized that night, and when my mother returned, she found me very +ill indeed!" + +"That night!" Here he started from his seat. + +"Ah Fanny!" cried Mr. Ridley, "you _would_ buy them! I always objected +to them." + +"Buy what, my dear Ridley?" + +"These chairs; I always said they were such uneasy ones, no one could +sit on them long--you see Mr. Pendarves can't endure them." + +I was very glad when Seymour sat down again; when he did, he leaned his +elbows on the table, and gazed in my face as if he would have read the +very bottom of my soul. But hope seemed to have supplanted despair. Mr. +Ridley now suddenly rose, and holding his hand to his side, cried, "Oh!" +in such a comic, yet pathetic manner, that though his wife really +believed he was in pain, she could not help laughing; then, seizing a +candle, he went _oh-ing_ and limping out of the room, leaning on her +arm, and declaring he believed he must go to bed, if we would excuse +him. + +There was no mistaking his motive, and Seymour was not slow to profit by +the opportunity thus good-naturedly offered him. + +"Helen!" he exclaimed, seating himself by me, and seizing my hand, "is +what I heard true--am I the most wretched of men--is this hand promised +to De Walden?" + +"No--not yet promised." + +"Then you mean to give it to him?" + +"Certainly not _now_." + +"Why that emphasis on _now_?" + +"Because I am sure I do not love him sufficiently." + +"And since when have you found this out?" + +I did not answer; but my tell-tale silence emboldened him to put his own +interpretation on what I had said; and now, for the first time, +unrestrained by any unwelcome witness, he passionately pleaded the +interests of his own love, and drew from me an open confession of mine. +Nor was there long a secret of my heart which was withheld from him; and +while he rejoiced over the certainty that his rival's hopes were +destroyed by this interview, I rejoiced in hearing that the conviction +he had received of my affection for him, had preserved him from +temptations to which he would probably otherwise have yielded. + +"But they are returning," cried he; "tell me where you are, and promise +to see me to-morrow, my own precious Helen! Never, never was I so happy +before." + +"Nor I," I could have added; but I believe my eyes spoke for me, and I +promised to see him the next day at eleven. He had just time to resume +his chair when Mr. and Mrs. Ridley returned. + +"I have been very unwell," said Ridley, "and am so still; but I would +come back, as she would not leave me, because I was sure, what with the +uneasy chairs, and Miss Pen's ugly face, you would be so fretted, Mr. +Pendarves, that you would never come hither again. + +"'But then, my dear,' said Fanny, 'you forget they are relations, and +must love each other.' + +"'That I deny,' said I, 'if they are not both loveable.' + +"'And then,' says she, 'they have not met for so long a time, and have +so much to say.' + +"'I don't believe that,' says I: 'if so, they would have taken care to +meet sooner'----but pray what has happened to you both since we went +away? Well, I declare, such roses on cheeks, and diamonds in eyes! and, +I protest, Miss Pen has learnt to look straight-forward, and is all +dimples and smiles! and this, too, when, for aught you both knew, I +might be dying!" + +Seymour and I were now too happy not to be disposed to laugh at any +absurdity which Ridley uttered; and never before or since did I pass so +merry an evening. Seymour was as gay and delightful as nature intended +him to be: you will own that the word "_fascinating_" seemed made on +purpose to express him; and I, as he has since told me, appeared to him +to exceed in personal appearance that evening (animated as I was with +the consciousness of loving and being beloved) all the promises of my +early youth; nor could he help saying-- + +"Really, Helen, I cannot but look at you!" + +"That is very evident," observed Ridley. + +"Yes, but I mean that I look at her because--because----" + +"You cannot help it, and it requires no apology. I have a tendency to +the same weakness myself." + +"But I mean you are so surprisingly altered--so grown--so----" + +"Say no more, my dear sir," cried Ridley, interrupting him, "for it must +mortify the young lady to see how much she has outgrown your knowledge +and your liking! and she is such a disgrace to your family, that it is a +pity there is no chance for her changing _her name_, poor thing! those +blear eyes must prevent that. I see very clearly, indeed, she is likely +to die _Helen Pendarves_." + +This observation, much to Ridley's sorrow, evidently clouded over the +brows of us both; for we both thought of my mother, and I of poor De +Walden. But the cloud soon passed away; for we were together, we were +assured of each other's love, and _we were happy_.--Nor did we hear the +watchman call "past one o'clock," without as much surprise as pain. +However, Pendarves walked home with me, and that walk was not less +interesting than the evening had been. + +But, alas! my mother's image awaited me on my pillow. I could not help +mourning over the blighted hopes of De Walden, nor could I drive from my +startled fancy the suspicion that I had committed a breach of duty in +receiving and returning vows unsanctioned by her permission, or satisfy +my conscience that I had done right in allowing him to call on me the +next day. But I quieted myself by resolving that I would instantly write +to my mother, tell her what had passed, and see Seymour only that once, +till she gave me her permission to see him more frequently. + +He came at eleven, and I told him what I meant to do. He fully approved, +but declared he would not consent to meet evil more than half way, and +give up seeing me. On the contrary, he was resolved to see me every day +till she came; and as Mr. Pendarves our uncle was just come to his house +in town, he meant to tell him how we were situated, and he was very sure +that he would approve our meeting as much as possible. On leaving me he +proceeded to lay his case before our uncle, while I sat down to write to +my mother. It was a long letter bathed with my tears; for was I not now +pleading almost for life and death? If I loved Pendarves when my +affection was not fed by his professions of mutual love, how must that +flame be now increased in fervour, when I had heard him plead his cause +two days successively, and had enjoyed with him hours of the tenderest +uninterrupted intercourse! Wisely had my mother acted in forbidding us +to meet, as she wished to annihilate our partiality; for absence and +distance are the best preventives, if not the certain cures of love. + +My letter, which was full of passion, regrets, apologies and pity for De +Walden, was scarcely finished, when I was told that a gentleman who was +going immediately into Warwickshire, and would pass close by my mother's +door, would take charge of it. I foolishly confided it to his care; I +say "foolishly," because the post was a surer conveyance. However, I +could not foresee that this gentleman would fall ill on the road; that +he would not deliver my packet till ten days after it was written; and +that I was therefore allowed to spend many hours with Pendarves +unprohibited; for my uncle approved our meeting, and desired our union, +declaring that he had always thought my mother severe in her judgment of +his nephew, and that while considering the fancied interests of her own +child, she had disregarded his. + +"Besides," added he, "I am the head of the family, and I command you to +meet as often, and to love as much, as ever you choose." + +Alas! I obeyed him only too well, though my judgment was not blinded to +the certainty that he had no rights which could invalidate those of my +mother; and though I rejoiced at not receiving her command to cease to +receive Pendarves, I was beginning to feel uneasy at her silence, when a +letter from her reached me, saying, she was on her road to London, where +she would arrive that night, and should take up her abode with our +friend Mr. Nelson. + +Never before had I been parted from my mother, and till I met Pendarves +I had longed for her every day during my stay in London; but now, +self-reproved and ashamed, I felt that a yet dearer object had acquired +possession of my thoughts and wishes, and the once devoted child +dreaded, rather than desired, to be re-united to one of the best of +mothers. + +She came; and we met again, as we had parted, with tears; but the nature +of those tears was altered, and neither of us would have liked to +analyze the difference. + +Long and painful was the conversation we had together that night, before +we attempted to sleep. I found my mother fully convinced that there was +a necessity for my not marrying De Walden, a necessity of which he was +now himself convinced; for she had gone round by Cambridge, in order to +see him: but she was not equally convinced that there was a necessity +for my marrying Pendarves, as all her objections to that marriage +remained in the fullest force. + +The next morning she opened her heart on the subject to Mrs. Nelson, who +was Seymour's warm advocate, and assured her, that if she made proper +inquiries, she would find that the character of Pendarves was +universally spoken of as unexceptionable; and that whatever might have +been the errors of _the youth_, they were forgotten by other people in +the merits of _the man_. + +"Ay, but a mother's heart can't forget them," she exclaimed, "when her +child's happiness is at stake!" and she begged to have no private +conversation with Seymour till the next day. In consequence, she saw him +only in a party at my uncle's, where she was struck with the great +improvement both of his face and person, for both now wore the +appearance of health; and the countenance which, when she last surveyed +it, bore the stamp of sickness and sorrow, now beamed with all the +vivacity of youth and hope. + +The party was a mixed one of cards and dancing; and as she gazed on +Pendarves when he stood talking to me, he recalled forcibly to her mind +the image of my father, as she first beheld him in a similar scene, +four-and-twenty years before. + +The next day Seymour obtained the desired interview with my mother. She +brought forward his former errors in array against him, his debts, his +dissipations, and his love of play; and though she expressed her +readiness to believe him reformed, still, as he ingenuously admitted +that his improvement was chiefly owing to my influence over him, she +could not deem it sufficiently well-founded to obviate her objections; +and he was still pleading, and she objecting, when Mr. Pendarves +insisted on entering. Mrs. Nelson and I accompanied him. + +"I tell you what, niece," said he, "you do not use this young man well: +you bring up a parcel of old tales, and dwell upon the naughtiness of +them, as if he was the only young man who ever erred. I know all his +sins; he has made me his confessor. In the affair to which you allude he +was much more to be pitied than censured, and yielded at seventeen to +temptations which might have overcome seven-and-thirty. Since then he +has distinguished himself at college: he has paid all his old debts, and +incurred no new ones; he has steered clear of the quicksands of foreign +travel, shielded (as he says) by the hopes of one day possessing Helen, +and by the idea that he was the object of her love; and what would you +have more? Besides, Helen tells me he once saved her life." + +"I did so," cried Seymour, eagerly seizing her hands, "I did so, and you +promised to be for ever grateful!" + +"How was it, my dear nephew?" + +"_I_ will tell you, sir," cried I, gathering hope from my mother's +agitation. "It was at the Isle of Wight, soon after we came to England: +he and I were playing on the shore, and I, not knowing the tide was +coming in, paddled across a run of water to what I called a pretty +little island, and there amused myself with picking up sea-weed, when +the sea flowed in, and he saw that I must perish; no one was near us. +Luckily, he spied a boat on the dry land, which, with all his boyish +strength, he pushed off to my assistance, and jumped into it. In one +minute more it floated towards me, just as my cries had reached the ears +of my mother, who was reading on the rock, and who now saw my +situation." + +"Helen! Helen!" cried my mother, "I can't bear it--the scene was too +horrible to recall." But I persevered. + +"Seymour seized my hand just as I was sinking, and dragged me into the +boat; but in another moment the waves came swelling round us, and, +without oar or help, I and my preserver were both tossed to and fro upon +the ocean." + +"Helen!" cried Seymour, with great feeling, and clasping me fondly to +his heart, "I could almost wish we then had died, for then we should +have died together!" + +"Go on," said my uncle, "I hope you will live together yet!" + +"I have not much more to tell, except that my mother's screams had now +procured assistance, and a boat was sent out to follow our uncertain +course. When we were overtaken, they found Seymour holding me on his +lap, and crying over me in agony unutterable, for he thought that I was +dead, and he had come too late. Who can paint my mother's transports, +when she received me safe and living in her arms?" + +"And how she embraced me, Helen," cried Seymour, "and called me her +noble boy--the preserver of her child! (for she saw all I had done;) and +how she owned she should ever love me as her own child--and vowed her +gratitude should end but with her life!" + +"It never _will_ end but with my life!" cried my mother, throwing +herself on Seymour's neck. "But is your having saved my child's life an +argument for my authorizing you to risk the happiness of that life?" + +"Julia, Julia, I am _ashamed_ of you!" cried my uncle. "Was there ever a +better or more devoted wife than yourself? Yet, what did you do at +Helen's age? You ran away from your parents, out of an ungovernable +passion for a handsome young man." + +"But is my error an excuse or justification of his?" + +"No; but you are a proof that error can be atoned for and never +repeated, as you have been a model for wives and mothers. But beware, +Mrs. Pendarves, of carrying things too far; beware, lest you tempt Helen +and Seymour to copy your example, rather than conform to your +precepts." + +"Ha!" cried my mother, clasping her hands in agony. + +"Now, then," said Seymour, with every symptom of deep emotion, "the +moment is come when I am authorized to obey the commands of the beloved +dead, and fulfil the last injunctions of my mother." + +A pause which no one seemed inclined to break, followed this unexpected +observation; and Seymour, taking a letter from his bosom, kissed it, and +presented it to my mother. + +"'Tis Helen's hand," cried she. + +"And her seal, too, you observe," said Seymour: "the _envelope_, you +perceive, is addressed to me, and I have therefore broken it; the other +is entire." + +My mother read the _envelope_ to herself, and these were its contents:-- + + "My conscience reproaches me, my beloved son, with having too + lightly surrendered your rights, and probably your wishes, in + giving my friend back her promise to promote your union with her + daughter, as I know Julia's ability to act up to her strict sense + of a mother's duty, even at the expense of her own happiness, and + risk of her child's safety. But I have given up that promise, which + might have pleaded for you, my poor child! when I was no more, and + ensured to you opportunities of securing Helen's affections, which + may now, perhaps, be for ever denied to you. However, I may be + mistaken; therefore, if Helen's affections should ever be + _yours_--_avowedly_ yours, and her mother still withhold her + consent, give her the enclosed letter, and probably the voice of + the dead may have more power over her than that of the living. + + "For your sake I have thus written, with a trembling hand, and with + a dying pulse; but value it as a last proof of that affection which + can end only with my life. + + "HELEN PENDARVES." + +The letter to my mother was as follows:-- + + "I speak to you from the grave, my dearest Julia! and in behalf of + that child on whom my soul doted while on earth. But this letter + will not be given you till he is _assured_ he possesses the heart + of your daughter; and when, if your consent is denied to their + union, nothing but an act of disobedience can make them happy in + each other. Are you prepared, Julia, to expose them to such a + risk, and thus tempt the child you love to the crime of + disobedience? that crime which, though it dwelt but lightly on your + mind, weighed upon mine through the whole of my existence, as it + helped to plunge my mother in an untimely tomb. Perhaps you flatter + yourself that Helen's education has fortified her against indulging + her passion at the expense of her duty. But remember, that your + precepts are forcibly counteracted by your example. + + "Anxious, however, as I am that Helen should not err, I am still + more anxious that my son should not lead her into error, as I feel + that he is doubly armed against her filial piety, by the example of + her mother and his own. + + "And must my crime be thus perpetuated by those whom I hold most + dear? must the misery of my life be renewed, perhaps, in that of + her whom I have loved as my own child? and must my son be the cause + of wretchedness to the dearest of my friends, through the medium of + her daughter? + + "Forbid it Heaven! I conjure you, my beloved Julia! by our past + love--by _tanta fede, e si, dolce memorie, e si lungo costume_, + listen to this my warning, my supplicating voice; and let your + consent give dignity and happiness to the union of our children. + + "HELEN PENDARVES." + +My mother, after having read this letter, covered her face with her +hands, and rushed out of the room. It was in a state of anxious suspense +that we awaited her return. When she appeared, her eyes were swelled, +but her countenance was calm, her look resigned, and her deportment, as +usual, dignified. Her assumed composure, however, failed again, when her +eyes met those of Pendarves. + +"My son!" cried she, opening her arms to him, into which Seymour threw +himself, as much affected as she was; then, beckoning me to her, she put +my hand in his, and prayed God to bless our union. + +Little of this part of my life remains to be told. My mother had given +her consent, and in two months from that period we were MARRIED. + +Here ends my narrative of a WOMAN'S LOVE. When next I treat of it, it +will be as united to a WIFE'S DUTY. + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 40180 *** |