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diff --git a/40162-0.txt b/40162-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..e1c69ee --- /dev/null +++ b/40162-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,8403 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 40162 *** + +THE HUMOUR AND PATHOS OF ANGLO-INDIAN LIFE. + +Extracts from his Brother's Note-book, +MADE BY DR. TICKLEMORE. + +EDITED BY J. E. MAYER, M.D. + +LONDON: ELLIOT STOCK, 62, PATERNOSTER ROW, E.C. 1895. + + + + +CONTENTS + + NO. PAGE + I. INTRODUCTORY--'THE ELEPHANTA' AND HER PASSENGERS 1 + + II. CAPTAIN WHISTLER, AND LIFE IN CANTONMENT AT SECUNDERABAD 38 + + III. MISS B. AND HER PRESENT 86 + + IV. THE DELIGHTS OF INDIAN MUSIC 103 + + V. THE PASSAGE OF ARMS BETWEEN COLONEL I., AND MRS. G. 116 + + VI. MAJOR B.'S WELL-DESERVED DISCOMFITURE 133 + + VII. THE RACE-STAND AND THE FANCY BALL 144 + +VIII. WORSHIPPING TITLED FOLK 164 + + IX. A REMINISCENCE OF TRICHINOPOLY 177 + + X. CURIOUS MOPLAH CUSTOMS 201 + + XI. AN HOUR LOST AT MR. G.'S DINNER 243 + + + + +No. I. + +INTRODUCTORY.--THE 'ELEPHANTA': CAPTAIN TREVANION AND MR. MARSTON. + + +If the reader could call back the flight of time some twenty years, and +with an Ariel's wing transport him or her self on board the +homeward-bound P. and O. steamer _Elephanta_, he or she would, on a +certain evening between the hours of 7 and 8 p.m., or rather on most +evenings at that time, have seen assembled in the saloon, near the +piano, some twenty persons, ladies and gentlemen, standing, sitting, or +lounging about. In the centre of the group stood Captain James Ward, the +commander of the vessel, a tall, thin, wiry man, with handsome, but +weather-beaten, features, who had been for many years in her Majesty's +Navy, and retained in all respects the manner and bearing of a +gentleman. + +On the Captain's right hand sat Lady Jervois, the young widow of old +General Sir Thomas Jervois, K.C.B., and a very pretty sample of +widowhood the Lady Sarah was. Her mourning became her wonderfully, and +showed the graceful outlines of her figure to perfection--a figure so +beautifully proportioned that the most rigid censor could find nothing +to object to, unless it might be a slight tendency to _embonpoint_, +which many regarded as an additional charm. Generally Lady Jervois bore +her recent loss with beautiful resignation; sometimes, indeed, the +piquancy of her observations or replies showed that her vivacity, if +subdued or scotched by affliction, was not altogether killed; and as the +world at large, and especially small worlds like those on board ship, +will ever build on slight foundations, the universal opinion seemed to +be that she would not long remain a widow. + +The two ladies next in place to the Lady Sarah were Mrs. Smythe and Mrs. +Forbes; the former of these ladies sat on the Captain's left hand, and +the latter next to Mrs. Smythe; both possessed pleasing features, and +were good-looking persons, and both estimated the value of their +respective positions to a hair's breadth. Both of them were wives of +civilians in the Indian Service of about equal standing: the first a +commissioner, the second a collector. In manners and appearance both +these ladies had much in common; both exhibited certain points of +difference, which attracted the attention of the _oi polloi_ on board, +and probably caused them some amusement. Mrs. Smythe was shocked, and +felt immediately called on to correct the transgressor, if anyone was +thoughtless or unmannerly enough to call her Mrs. Smith; and Mrs. +Forbes, whose sister kept a milliner's shop in Ayr, lost no opportunity +of calling attention to the pedigree of her husband. She possessed +several books on heraldry, and was in some degree acquainted with the +shields, cognizances, and crests of most of the titled families in +Scotland. She was absolutely perfect in those with whom her husband's +family had intermarried, or were entitled to claim kindred. Whenever an +heraldic séance had taken place (as Mrs. Smythe used to term the +researches and expositions of Mrs. Forbes), the former lady would +compassionately remark, as soon as her friend was out of hearing, 'Poor +thing! her little weakness in this respect serves to amuse her and +occupy her mind; her own family were nobodies, that we all know, and she +has no children, therefore we must make excuses for her.' Good-nature, +perhaps, was not one of Mrs. Smythe's strongest points, and she was a +little over-sensitive regarding the pronunciation of her own name, but, +nevertheless, her talents as a musician won universal, well-merited +admiration. A good voice had been greatly improved by good training, and +the results were very charming. She was also a very superior performer +on the piano, and was consequently regarded as a great acquisition to +the whole party on board the _Elephanta_. + +Two other ladies only (although the number of lady passengers was nearly +forty) appear to have attached themselves to the Captain's party. They +were both spinsters, Miss Perkins and Miss Wiseman. These two girls were +certainly to be commiserated, inasmuch as they had gone out to friends +or relatives in India in the hope of exchanging their maiden names for +some others, and had not succeeded in effecting this much-coveted +exchange. Their temporary protectors having been removed by death, +sickness, war, or other unhappy causes, nothing remained for them but to +return to the land from whence they came. Under such circumstances it is +not wonderful that an air of disappointment hung over them, and that +they sometimes gave utterance to remarks that betrayed the feeling which +it would have been wiser to have concealed. How it happened that these +young ladies failed to achieve their object I am quite unable to +explain; they each of them possessed an average share of good looks and +feminine attractions, nor were they destitute of most of those +accomplishments in which young ladies strive to shine. They played and +sang _a little_; they were grand at croquet, first rate at converting a +glass or delft jug into a china vase; did card and shell marks; +understood the language of flowers; could talk with their fingers; +danced round dances with a constancy and resolution that defied fatigue, +exhaustion, or even daylight; and, to crown all, they were proficients +in the science of flirtation; they had, in fact, become graduates, by +adopting the surest road to perfection; they had gained experience by a +most extensive practice, which commenced before they were thirteen years +old, and which since then they had never intermitted. With such winning +cards in their hand, their failure does seem surprising, and might +almost lead us to question the value of the last-mentioned +accomplishment, and to ask whether, independent of the case-hardening of +all young, fresh, and genuine feeling, it may not lead those who resort +to it to become on all occasions more or less deceitful; and whether it +may not sometimes recoil on the practitioner by teaching the opposite +party to practise equal deceit. I leave these questions to be debated +and considered by those whom it most concerns. I would only protest +against any argument being deduced from the wide adoption of the +practice. + +I am not writing an essay on 'manners' or 'morals;' I will therefore +content myself with submitting to the candour and judgment of those most +likely to be affected by the issue, whether the practice of +demonstrating special interest and liking for any person, where no such +feeling exists, may not as often lose a husband as it gains one. I think +I have seen several instances of such a result. I will not affirm that +the two young ladies who gave occasion to these remarks were examples in +point; it is not at all unlikely that they may have been, and that the +mortification they were then suffering arose from the proficiency +alluded to. Be this as it may, these two young people, smarting under +disappointment, were objects for sympathy, as it seemed to me, but the +society on board entertained, I believe, little of this feeling. 'As +they have made their beds, so they must lie,' if I mistake not, spoke +the general opinion regarding them. And the judgment of the passengers +on board the _Elephanta_ will, I fear, be that of the world at large. +Let me here urge on those who make the pleasure of the moment their +guiding star, to lay this truth to heart, that in the battle of life +those who do not succeed must ever expect, rightly or wrongly, to have +the cause of failure set down to some fault or failing of their own. +With this note of warning we leave the ladies, and turn to the gentlemen +composing the party we are speaking of. + +On board our steamer there were several officers of higher military rank +than Captain Trevanion, but as some of them were distinguished more by +their epaulettes and cocked hats than by any special qualities, and as +others did not belong to our party, they call for no special notice. + +The reasons that induce us to give the young Captain of Artillery the +first place in this sketch will appear immediately. His reputation as a +gallant and accomplished soldier was attested, not only by the medals he +sometimes wore, and by the general orders which recorded his services, +but by the unanimous voice of those he commanded. The bursting of a +shell, which he had caught up and carried to a distance in order to save +his men, was the cause of his having been sent home; just as he flung it +away it had burst, shattering his left fore-arm. At first he suffered +much from the injury (which obliged him to wear the arm in a sling), but +he rejoiced in it. He knew he had saved his battery, his men knew it, +and his Queen, who had sent him the Victoria Cross on that account, knew +it also. Since he had been at sea, so great an improvement had taken +place that he was beginning to use his fingers again, and was able to +join in the dance, or in almost any amusement proposed. He possessed, +moreover, a good voice and a quick ear, which gifts, with a little +drilling from Mrs. Smythe, soon enabled him to join her in part-songs +and duets. In addition to his fame as a soldier, and good gifts as a +vocalist, the Captain was a most unassuming person, always good humoured +and obliging, for all which reasons, to say nothing of a commanding +figure and polished address, he was the most popular man on board. + +The young gentleman who stood next to Captain Trevanion in general +estimation was Mr. John Marston, a young civilian, who during the +fearful scenes so recently enacted in India, by his remarkable +foresight, decision, and courage, and by the aid solely of his strong +sense and keen perceptions, read the signs of the times with such +accuracy, that before any acts of mutiny or rebellion had occurred in +his district he had taken possession of an old mud fort, disused for +years past, had it thoroughly cleaned out and repaired, that it might be +ready, as he said, for use as a granary. He next had the well thoroughly +cleaned and put in order; he then sent in supplies of every description. +Having made these preparations, he gradually called in every European +and Eurasian within his range. By personal application to the +headquarters of the division, backed by an official request in writing, +signed by the collector, he obtained a supply of arms and ammunition. +Finally, by running up mud walls, cajan roofs, pandals, bamboo mats, +etc., and tents of every size and description, he actually found +accommodation for one hundred families, besides those of the collector +and some immediate friends, so that when the impending storm burst on +the locality in question, and was raging all around, the party in the +old mud fort were, at least for a time, in safety. Within the area of +the old mud walls, which were luckily very thick, and about thirty feet +high, there were located a garrison, amounting to 120 men, counting both +Europeans and Eurasians. Besides these, there were some twenty native +servants, mostly ayahs; the men, all of whom, I think, were kitmunghars, +or dressing-boys, did not amount to half a dozen. No native was +suffered to go in or out of the place, and none were trusted with arms +of any kind, for reasons that are obvious. + +By means of the mats, punkahs, connats, pandals, etc., noticed above, +the place was rendered habitable; but still, when all had been done that +could be done, the ladies with their families had much to endure; they +did it nobly, with a patient resignation and fortitude that had seldom +been equalled, never surpassed. As time wore on the surging tide of +treachery, blood, and cruelty made its way to the district in question, +and at last the yelling, screaming, hooting crowd of butchers, +threatening destruction in every shape and form, appeared before the +fort, gradually spreading themselves on every side. The number of these +ruffians might at this time amount to about 6,000. The nucleus of this +swarm of armed natives was composed of the bulk of two regiments of +Bengal Sepoys, amounting to about 1,000 men; the rest was made up of +liberated gaol-birds, gang robbers, thieves, and the idle riff-raff to +be found everywhere. At each angle of the fort small projecting turrets +had been built, which, by means of some repairs and sandbags, were +rendered tolerably secure. In each of these turrets four of the best +shots amongst the defenders were placed, so that every face of the +building was, to a certain extent, commanded. Sandbags between the +embrasures were further employed all along the walls, thus affording +additional protection to the defenders. + +After the yelling and howling, accompanied by the beating of gongs and +tomtoms, and by noises of all kinds, had continued for some time, the +fire of small arms and gingals was resorted to, and kept up for two days +and nights, with little intermission, varied by occasionally throwing +fireballs into the place. These, however, except the burning of the +cajans, or thatch, of some of the extemporized huts, did little or no +harm. The continued discharge of gingals and musketry had inflicted no +damage whatever. Seeing this, and that the siege made no progress, the +leaders ordered scaling-ladders to be constructed, which was accordingly +done, and two attempts at escalade were made; both were repelled, and +considerable loss inflicted on the besiegers. In fact, the garrison had +so well employed their guns, rifles, and muskets, that more than one +hundred of their adversaries had been slain, and many more wounded. The +besiegers had, in consequence, retreated beyond the reach of small arms, +resolving, it seemed, to trust rather to the effect of starvation than +to that of storm. + +The siege had now lasted six days, and no damage had been sustained by +the garrison, except the burning of some thatch already noticed, and the +loss of one young man who had rashly exposed himself--he was shot +dead--and a poor little girl, going to get water at the well, was killed +by the rebounding of a gingal-ball. Some few others had been wounded, +but not severely, and this was all. The great danger to be apprehended +was that, as large bands of the rebel Sepoys were marching in every +direction, the besiegers might be powerfully reinforced by numbers of +men thoroughly well trained and disciplined, and that these last would +effect by escalade what less numerous and less trained soldiers had +failed to accomplish. The very thing so much feared did actually occur +two days afterwards; several thousand of the trained traitors joined the +besiegers, bringing with them a battery of field-pieces, luckily only +nine-pounders. + +Animated by the possession of artillery, and the presence of so large a +force of regular soldiers, two desperate attempts to storm the place +were made on two successive nights, the fire of the guns on each +occasion having been kept up for many hours without intermission before +the parties bearing the ladders moved forward; then the fire ceased, +and the stormers, making a rush, succeeded in planting several ladders, +up which the men swarmed with the greatest hardihood; but few reached +the tops of the ladders, and fewer still reached the top of the rampart, +or lived long enough to raise a cheer or shout to encourage their +comrades. All were shot, or hurled over the walls; and most of the +ladders were overturned before anyone could reach the upper steps. + +The fire from the walls and turrets during these proceedings was so hot, +that more than 200 men were slain outright, and many more wounded. The +besiegers, in consequence, again drew off their forces beyond the range +of rifle and musket. At this time, the number of foemen surrounding the +fort could not be less than 9,000 or 10,000; they had completely +encompassed it on every side. They had pitched tents and erected huts in +every direction, seeming determined not to move from their position till +they had effected by starvation what they had failed to compass by +bolder and more rapid means. Provisions were beginning to fail the +garrison; all felt they could not war against famine. They had defended +themselves fifteen days, one against hundreds; but now their doom seemed +approaching. All were oppressed with the most gloomy anticipations. + +In this extremity Mr. Marston called a committee of all who could be +spared from the walls. When about seventy of the brave defenders had +assembled, he explained to them the state of matters unreservedly, but +urged them not to despair, as it was clear, after counting the mouths +and carefully reviewing the supplies remaining, that by giving out +half-rations they could still hold out a week or ten days longer, and +that in this interval there was every hope of relief, if any one of the +officers commanding a loyal column of sufficient strength could be +apprised of their situation. Several voices cried out that no one could +pass through the numerous and watchful lines of the enemy, and that it +would be certain death to attempt it. Mr. Marston smiled, answering that +it would be certain death to all not to attempt it. 'I have taken +measures,' he continued, 'relative to the course of action advisable, +which I shall communicate when the fitting time arrives. Meanwhile, let +every man hope for the best, and do his duty as he has hitherto done +it.' + +All, after hearing their young leader's words, and observing his +cheerful countenance, felt their hopes and courage revive, and all +determined to hold out to the utmost. Mr. Marston, having arranged for +the serving out of the reduced rations, called aside two friends--Mr. +Stewart, a civilian, junior to himself, but one on whose courage and +determination he knew he could rely, and Assistant-Surgeon Manners, +attached to the Collectorate, whose cool indifference under fire and +whose fame as a daring and successful tiger-shot were well known. To +them, and to Sergeant-Major White, whose services and experience had +been invaluable during the siege, and who, though old and wanting one +leg, retained still the courage of a lion unsubdued by years or wounds, +he spoke as follows: + +'My friends, in our present position I see there is but one thing to be +done. I will myself attempt to penetrate through these thick-set lines. +Should I succeed, I will, if human effort can effect it, bring you +relief; if I fail, and fall into the hands of these butchers, you will +know I did all I could, and died in doing my duty.' 'Marston, you shall +not go!' exclaimed Manners. 'Your life is more valuable, your headpiece +twice as good as mine. Send me; I am quite ready, and will do all I +can.' 'No, no,' said Stewart; 'I am the youngest, and can best be +spared. Manners, as the only medical man, cannot leave. Send me, my +dear Marston; I will shrink from no peril, and will go at once.' 'Dear +friends,' replied Marston, taking a hand of each, while the tremulous +motion of his lips told how truly he felt their devoted friendship, +'this is not a time for words. I shall therefore only say, I feel your +kindness deeply, but cannot accept of it. I am resolved to make the +assay myself, and do not think me vain if I add that, from habits of +study and observation, I think I shall run less risk than either of you +would encounter in such an undertaking.' + +The two young men continued to press arguments and entreaties on their +friend, till he cut Manners short by saying: 'You must, as the only +medical man, remain here.' And to Stewart he added, with a peculiar +expression of interest: 'How could you think for a moment, Charlie, that +I would run the chance of making Clara's bright eyes tearful for a lost +brother, when I could have saved him! Fie, man! think better of your +friend. And now for business. You must, all of you, in the first place, +solemnly pledge your faith to say no word to any soul respecting my +intention before I go, and afterwards to conceal my departure for as +many days as may be possible. My only chance of safety depends on your +silence, and your knowing this will, I am confident, ensure it.' + +During the time of siege an aged peon, who had for thirty years been in +attendance on the Collector, died. His belt, shield, tulwar, and dagger +were brought into Mr. Marston's tent; then, under the plea of sunstroke, +his head was shaved, and he was kept in bed till the browning of his +face, hands, and body with coffee-berries was sufficiently strong; his +moustaches were then dyed black. After these preparations, he equipped +himself in every respect like a Collector's peon, and his disguise was +so perfect when he stood before his friends that even those who had +watched the various steps by which the metamorphosis was accomplished +could scarcely believe that John Marston the civilian and the turbaned +and belted peon before them were one and the same person. But, however +well calculated for deception the brown skin, shaven head, and +equipments may have been, Mr. Marston's fitness for the part he had to +enact did not stop here; his knowledge of the Oordu, Bengali, and other +dialects of Hindustani, was so remarkable, and so locally idiomatic, +that he had no difficulty in personating any Moosulman character. He +felt this, and therefore conceived that he was best qualified to face +the perils to be encountered in carrying into effect the enterprise +contemplated. + +As soon as the night was sufficiently dark, the newly-manufactured peon +stood on the parapet, ready, by means of a basket, rope, and pulley, to +be let down, on that side of the fort completely in shadow, by his two +friends and the old sergeant, who muttered: 'Had I but the other leg, I +would gladly go instead of him; but I'm a useless old stump.' 'No, no, +my good old friend,' said Marston, shaking him cordially by the hand; +'you are best where you are, and instead of being useless, will be +invaluable to Stewart, who will find himself strong in your experience.' + +The peon now seated himself in the basket, holding on to the rope. No +words were spoken, except that 'God bless you!' was reiterated as his +friends, with moistened eyes, lowered the basket. It soon reached the +ground; the peon stepped out, and moving cautiously, always in the +shade, was soon lost to sight. His friends watched him as long as he was +visible, putting up silent prayers for his safety; but no one ever +expected to see him again. + +It would be too tedious to describe the numberless perils and trials +encountered and surmounted by our wise young peon, through his perfect +knowledge of the manners and customs of the Moslem race, his +imperturbable coolness and presence of mind. It is enough to say that, +after journeying three days and nights, he on the fourth day fell in +with General Neill's column, who, with his undeviating kindness and +humanity, as soon as he understood the imminent danger to which the +party left in the old mud fort were exposed, marched to their relief +without an hour's delay. During the march the General's only fear seemed +to be that he might not arrive in time. His constant mutterings as he +rode at the head of his men, with a wet cloth under his pith helmet, +took something of this form: 'The bloody, dastardly, treacherous +scoundrels! May God save the poor women and children, the poor +defenceless creatures!' 'Keep up, my lads! keep up, for Heaven's sake! +It's hot work, I know; but remember what you're striving for.' 'I pray +God to grant us His help, to give us strength to get up before the +butchers begin their work, and then'--his fiery spirit showing itself in +his flashing eyes and firmly-set teeth--'then, if we don't let them know +what cold steel means, may I never see the blessed sun again.' + +The noble fellow did live to see the blessed sun again, but not before +he had inflicted a crushing punishment on those leagued around the old +mud fort, which he entered amidst the tears, blessings, and convulsive +sobs of those he had rescued from torture and death. The General's eyes, +as he looked around, were filled with moisture. 'Dear friends, I haven't +a hundred hands. I wish I had; but God bless you all! He has granted my +prayer; He has sent me in time; but had He not long since inspired my +young friend here with indomitable courage, extraordinary knowledge, +decision, and foresight, you would never have been placed in a position +to be defended, nor have had the supplies to enable you to hold out, +nor should I have had the opportunity, the blessed opportunity, of +rescuing you.' + +Here we bid good-bye to the noble, true-hearted General Neill, who, like +almost all the men who are good and great, was vilified by the pitiful +wooden-headed worshippers of red tape. He despised it and them, devoting +his whole soul to saving the lives of his countrymen, with those of +their wives and families. He died at the taking of Lucknow, +comparatively young in years, though old in renown--died as he had +lived, in the service of his country; but his name still lives in the +hearts of Britain's sons, enshrined by that halo which undaunted +courage, guided by strong sense and a pure unpretending love of country, +alone can give. + +The poor people whom he had rescued with one voice poured out their +hearts in blessings, and with tears in their eyes joined in the prayers +and shouted the names of Neill and Marston. At first they could scarcely +realize to themselves that they were safe; after nearly a month of daily +and nightly dread and danger they could scarcely believe that their +sufferings were over. To describe scenes like these accurately is +scarcely possible; such description must be referred to those endowed +with the highest powers of expression and the most grateful hearts, +since they alone may imagine, or can picture to themselves or others, +what they would have felt had they been placed in such a situation, and +this is all that we can do to make it understood. + +In so far lifting up the veil from Mr. Marston's antecedents, more than +enough has been done, we trust, to explain why, young as he was, his +reputation stood so high. We feel that the amplitude of the narration +amounts almost to a digression, yet if the details interest the reader +half as much as they did the writer when first made acquainted with +them, their want of brevity may perhaps be forgiven. + +The young civilian, wise beyond his years, and the soul of all that had +been done to shelter and defend his helpless friends, was throughout +specially cautious that everything required should be done in the name +of his chief, although the poor old Collector was so overwhelmed with +the novelty and unexpected horror of the position, that his utmost +contribution to the measures adopted amounted to no more than a 'Yes,' +or 'By all means,' or a nod of his head: but by this caution Mr. Marston +prevented any slur or blame from being thrown on his senior, who, though +unable to act in such an emergency, was fully capable of appreciating +the high feeling and delicacy evinced by his junior; and he loved and +respected him for it, as did every member of his family. + +When his friends had been placed in safety Mr. Marston was actively +employed till the taking of Delhi, which put an end to this horrible +war. Fatigue, exposure, and constant headwork, added to what he had +previously undergone, at last broke down the young man's strength, and +he became so ill that he was advised to return to Europe. The truth was +that, the excitement being over, there was nothing to sustain him +against the inroads of disease, and we consequently find him among the +passengers on board our steamer. Youth, sea air, and buoyant spirits +soon enabled him to rally, and he became one of the most light-hearted, +joyous men of the homeward-bound party. He unpacked his cornet (on which +he played really well) and in a short time almost rivalled the +popularity of the Captain of Artillery. + +There were many officers amongst the passengers who, in very trying +situations, had nobly upheld their country's fame and honour, and +several of these were not less worthy as men than agreeable as +companions, but as they did not possess qualities or accomplishments +that rendered them conspicuous, we do not notice them individually. The +exceptions to be made to this somewhat sweeping assertion or statement +refer to those gentlemen who sometimes described what they had seen on +the line of march, or gave some account of the various engagements, or +affairs of less importance, in which they had been personally concerned; +or to those who sometimes favoured the company with sporting narratives, +or finally to the doctor of the ship, Dr. Tobias Ticklemore, who was a +man of observation, had read a good deal, and was withal a very +good-natured fellow, so that while some smoked and others sipped brandy +pawney, he could remember or invent some tale for their amusement. He +therefore occupied a prominent place amongst those who belonged to the +section of story-tellers, or, as our neighbours would term them, +_raconteurs_. This partial sketch of the party assembled round the piano +in the saloon of our noble steamer will, it is hoped, invest their +conversation and remarks with some interest, which otherwise could +hardly have attached to them. The ladies and gentlemen referred to shall +now speak for themselves. + +Captain Trevanion and Mrs. Smythe had just finished that charming duet +between Don Giovanni and Zerlina, 'La ci darem,' to the general delight +of the audience, and perhaps to their own, if we might guess so much +from the obvious pleasure with which they received the thanks and +applause of those around them. After a judicious interval, Captain +Ward's voice was heard entreating someone to follow the good example +that had been set. 'Come, ladies, come, gentlemen, do not let me beg in +vain; we have had a sweet duet, sweetly sung, and previously we had Mr. +Marston's cornet rendering of "Ah che la morte," which made us long more +than ever to get home, that we may hear it once again from Mario the +unapproachable. But we are losing time; will no one help us to charm the +fleeting hours, yet make them seem too short?' 'Really,' said Lady +Jervois, 'the Captain grows so poetical that we shall begin to suspect, +when he tells us he is looking at the sun, that he is communing with +Apollo.' 'No, dear Lady Jervois, I only seek to find the angle at which +the sun's ray strikes my sextant, when my chronometer tells me it is +twelve o'clock. I angle for nothing else.' 'Well,' returned the lady, +laughing, 'if we accept that statement for fact, I fear you must stand +convicted by your own admission of great disrespect to the god of day.' +'How so, lady fair?' 'Why, do you not admit that you seek, in an +indirect way, to obtain certain information by your angling? And is that +not equivalent to putting fishing questions to the day god, which is +very disrespectful? So take care and rein in your wit.' 'How can I do +that, Lady Jervois, when there is nothing to rein in?' 'What, angling +again?' returned the lively lady; 'but you will catch no fish this time. +I won't see the line.' 'Upon my word,' whispered Miss Perkins to Miss +Wiseman, 'this is, I dare say, very witty, and I suppose classical, but +I don't know anything about heathen gods and goddesses; nevertheless, it +seems to me not a bad attempt on the part of my lady widow to get up a +flirtation.' 'Not at all unlikely, I dare say,' replied Miss Wiseman. 'I +didn't hear all; there seemed to be a good deal of laughing, though.' + +Captain Ward's voice was again audible, begging that someone would sing +a song. Then, after a silence, 'If that is too great a favour to expect, +will no one give us an anecdote, or tell us a story? Surely, among so +many gentlemen who have been in the field, and who are almost all of +them sportsmen, there must be much to speak of? Come, gentlemen, a tiger +hunt, a quarrel, a sample of Afghan clemency, a specimen of red-tape, a +bit of pipeclay, anything, reminiscences, experiences, _quelquechose +pour passer le temps_.' After a time, 'Is it really so, all silent? Then +we must ask the Doctor; he has, I know, an inexhaustible stock; he is +in this respect the double of the "Pasha of many tails." Come, Doctor, +you are our sole resource.' 'I really can't see that,' returned the +Doctor; 'upon my soul I can't! How can I be your sole resource so long +as you affirm that I am the double of some other gentleman, which, if I +really am, makes me singularly double; which, again, everyone must admit +is doubly singular?' 'Oh, Doctor, Doctor! how can you go on so?' said +the two young ladies, tittering. 'And after all your promises of +reformation and amendment,' said Mrs. Smythe. 'Never mind, Dr. +Ticklemore,' interposed Lady Jervois, 'your quips and quillets make us +all laugh, whether we will or no.' 'Don't take his part, Lady Jervois,' +said Captain Trevanion, 'he's incorrigible, and it was the same from the +commencement of our acquaintance. The first inquiry I made on reaching +the deck of the _Elephanta_ was for the Doctor (the then state of my arm +making me rather anxious to see him); a little sprat of a middy, who +seemed to be the only person on board in the shape of an officer, +answered my inquiry by informing me that the Doctor had taken a run on +shore, but was to be on deck again before eight bells. These adverse +conditions being beyond my power to control, I had nothing for it but to +wait, and to amuse myself as best I could. Some tea and dry toast, which +the steward sent me, and the last number of the _Cornhill Magazine_, +enabled me to effect this pretty fairly, and by-and-by the looked-for +son of Esculapius arrived, but in such a pickle that----' + +'I say, Trevanion,' exclaimed the Doctor, 'fair play, no tales out of +school; that would be taking a dirty advantage of a man's misfortunes, +and be altogether unfair.' 'Well,' returned the Captain, 'there's no +need to take any dirty advantage; the _statu quo_ was dirty enough in +all conscience.' 'Oh, let us hear,' exclaimed the ladies, 'pray let us +hear, Captain Trevanion!' 'Come, Trevanion, don't be so shabby, said +the Doctor; 'if the incident is to be told, at all events let me tell it +myself.' 'On one condition,' replied the artilleryman, '_i.e._, that the +narrative is to be recounted _bonâ fide_, without alteration or +subtraction; and you'll not make any addition to it, I'm quite sure.' + +'But,' said Lady Jervois, 'in enforcing a confession of past misfortunes +from poor Dr. Ticklemore you seem to me, Captain Trevanion, to be wholly +oblivious of the charge you brought against him as incorrigible. You +were about to adduce something in support of this charge, if I mistake +not? Pray afford us the opportunity of judging of the value of this +support, and we can hear Dr. Ticklemore's confession afterwards. We, who +form the jury in this case, are not willing that the accused should be +borne down by clamour or many words, as I have been told sometimes +happens in other places.' + +'You see, Lady Jervois,' returned Trevanion, 'I was interrupted in my +narrative by the accused himself, who claimed to be his own reporter in +this matter, which in courtesy I think we must allow him to be; +therefore I will only say, judging from his crushed hat and sandy, muddy +coat, that there had been a fall, and a closer connection with Mother +Earth than gentlemen generally like to indulge in when attired for a +ride on the Madras beach. Of how this came about, as he promises to +inform all present truly, I say nothing, but at the time, seeing him +under the influence of a little excitement, I did all I could to calm +and soothe him; I advised his taking a glass of brandy and soda-water, +which he did. I listened to his statement with a gravity which, +considering the details, was truly marvellous, even to myself, and +allowed him in silence to recover his equanimity by giving free scope to +all and sundry of his pious little wishes for the benefit of more than +one individual, but specially for that of a certain Mr. Jack Horseyman; +whom, it would seem, though an old schoolfellow, the Doctor devoted for +a long time to come to quarters which have so often been described with +such precision and minuteness as almost to induce suspicion of personal +acquaintance on the part of those who furnished the interesting details. +But, be this as it may, this _embarras des richesse_ entirely relieves +me from the necessity of description. I will merely indicate the +locality by remarking that I believe they don't want any coals there. +Having shown my sympathy by my silence, by the gravity of my +countenance, and by my attention as a listener, I endeavoured still +further to soothe the Doctor's feelings by telling him some of my own +mishaps in the hunting-field, and in particular, on the last occasion of +my putting in an appearance there, the narrow escape that myself and my +horse had, when both of us, in consequence of coming suddenly on a +sloping rock, the face of which (from the severe weather) was a sheet of +ice, slid down near a dozen yards, the horse, as it were, sitting on his +haunches and actually scraping his hocks. "Oh," observed the Doctor, +"that was nothing; merely a freak of Mr. Jack Frost, by which he +converted you both into a pair of slippers." Now I appeal to you, after +this, if his is not an inveterate form of a disease which, continually +indulged in, becomes highly criminal, and if he is not justly condemned +to suffer all the pains and penalties laid down in the statute provided +for duly restraining and intimidating such stubborn offenders?' + +'Why, truly,' said Lady Jervois, laughing merrily, 'you have brought +forward strong evidence, I confess; but you know one swallow does not +make a summer.' + +'Oh, that argument can scarcely be admitted,' said Mr. Marston; 'I agree +entirely with Trevanion, Ticklemore is really a dreadful character. It +was but the other day I remonstrated with him on account of these evil +proclivities of his. In reply, he asked me, in the gravest manner, if I +did not know that he was a surgeon? "What's that to do with it," said I, +"except that it's all the more reason that you should conduct yourself +with greater sobriety?" "That's all you know about it," retorted he, +"but you ought to remember that the study of the 'humerus' is a part of +my profession. Ha!" continued he, "have I caught you on the funny-bone?" +and then he went off chuckling. "Confound you, you catch one at every +turn," I muttered, though I could not help laughing. You see, he's +incorrigible.' + +'I suspect,' replied the lady, 'there are more incorrigibles than one; +but let us hear the Doctor; I see he is about to speak.' + +After a pause, Dr. Ticklemore stood up, and with a solemn air spoke as +follows: 'I thought till now that at least my fair friends would have +granted me a fair hearing, but instead of that I have not even been +allowed to state the reasons that make it impossible for me to comply +with Captain Ward's request. I have been interrupted by false friends--I +might say covert and insidious enemies'--('Hear, hear,' from Captain +Trevanion and Mr. Marston)--'for no other purpose than to harrow my +feelings, and exhibit their own malicious enjoyment of another's woe by +trumpeting forth little matters not worth repeating, each discharging an +envenomed arrow because of the trivial passing confidences which my +guileless disposition and trusting nature had induced me to make. +"Friendship's but a name," the poet says, and I, alas! have found it +so.' (Loud laughter from the gentlemen, with 'Bravo, Doctor; you have +made a capital defence,' the ladies joining in the laughter, allowed +that the Doctor had come off with flying colours.) 'But,' said Lady +Jervois, 'what about the crushed hat and muddy coat? I should like to +hear something about these little matters.' (Cries of 'Explain, explain! +listen to the Doctor's explanation.') 'Lady Jervois, and ladies and +gentlemen all,' returned Dr. Ticklemore, 'I have promised that I would +explain these mysteries, and I will do so; but, like men in more exalted +places, when certain explanations are called for I do not find the +present time convenient, or the public welfare will not permit me at +present to be more explicit, so I would rather, if you will graciously +concede so much to me, finish the argument referring to Captain Ward's +request.' 'Oh!' said the lady, 'it is impossible to deny a solicitation +urged in a manner so complimentary; pray proceed, Doctor, with your +argument.' ('Go on,' from all sides.) 'You see,' said Dr. Ticklemore, 'I +had not said half I intended to say when I was interrupted; but now that +the sequence of the propositions has been broken, I am required to go +on. It will not be so easy for me to show their logical dependence one +on the other as it would have been. The fact is,' continued the Doctor, +'you were most of you in such a hurry to condemn me, that you would not +let me speak when I was ready to do so, and now I must rearrange my +ideas.' 'We admit you have been very ill used,' said Lady Jervois, 'but +pray go on. We are all sure that there will be no difficulty about your +ideas if you don't make any. Once more we pray of you to proceed.' 'Pray +go on,' said Captain Ward; 'you may be sure, after this alarming +preface, he has more crackers to let off.' ('Go on, Doctor; go on,' from +all sides.) 'Well,' said the Doctor, 'to stop me in the middle of my +speech, as you have done, is rather an Irish mode of getting me to go +on, isn't it? But I suppose it's like the remark about the crackers, to +be taken by contraries; you say, go on, but I apprehend you mean, go +off!' + +More tittering and laughter, but this time the Doctor would not be +stopped. + +He continued thus: 'You, Captain Ward, have gravely affirmed that I am +someone's double, which is neither more nor less than stating that I am +a ghost, an immaterial airy nothing; but let me tell you that it is not +immaterial to me to be made nothing of; it is not treating me with the +respect due to a man of my weight. Besides, although you are so ready to +deny my gravity, and to accuse me of lightness in many respects, even in +my behaviour, you will find that the force which pulls all things over +the surface of the globe towards its centre requires upwards of twelve +stone to counterbalance my corporeal entity, which, I take it, is a very +good material proof that if I am a ghost, or, as you term it, a double, +I am also an individual of some weight. Now if I am myself and also a +double, I must be something besides myself; for such a one to attempt to +comply with Captain Ward's request would not only prove him to be an +insane double, but doubly insane; therefore you see----' + +'Hear the fellow!' cried Captain Ward. 'Never did a thimble-rigging +Political double as he is doing. I'll tell you what, Dr. Tobias +Ticklemore, if you don't stop your atrocities, which are ten times worse +than those of the Bulgarians,[1] for yours are not manufactured in +nineteen cases out of twenty by the Russians, but are actually +perpetrated before our very faces, and in the presence of those whose +nerves ought to have been spared such terrible trials, I see, we shall +be obliged to order a drumhead court-martial, and we'll call in Judge +Lynch to act as provost-marshal, who always convicts, and not only +convicts, but carries sentence into execution with such wonderful +rapidity that the offender is suspended almost before he can look round; +so be wise in time, Toby Tickle, or you'll get a tickler for Toby, that +you may rely upon.' + +'Oh,' replied the Doctor, 'if you really have the cruelty, the +inhumanity, the barbarity, to threaten me with _sus. per col._, I fancy +I must not hang fire lest I hang myself! Nevertheless, I think it due to +myself to protest against the whole proceeding as illegal; there is a +manifest flaw in the indictment. Your orthography is all wrong; I have +neither three tails, nor many tails.' + +'That's being hypocritical as well as hypercritical, Doctor, if not +contumacious; spell it another way, and you have not three tales, but as +many as you please.' + +'Oh, oh!' said the Doctor, 'is that the plan you would adopt to get +innocent people into trouble? but you won't take anything by your +motion, for I shall presently show that, spell the words as you will, +tails and tales are in truth equivalents. "T" is common to both words, +and therefore goes for nothing, being equal to itself; and ales, at +least in India and all tropical climates, is represented by ails; +therefore, whichever way you spell the word, you gain nothing. For the +second part of the word has been shown to be equivalent to the second +part of the second word; and the first part of the first word having +been found equal to the first part of the second word, the two wholes +are found to be equal, Q.E.D.' + +'Gentlemen,' said Captain Ward, 'what do you say to this--is it not +intolerable? Is it not trifling, barefaced trifling, with authority? +After the atrocities of which this man has been convicted, on the most +unanswerable evidence, that of our own senses, for him to begin again +in the same strain is clearly an aggravation of the original offence; to +me it seems a case of unexampled audacity, deliberate and premeditated, +with his logic, his mathematics, and his Q.E.D. I declare, I think there +is nothing for it but to confirm the sentence reserved for +consideration, and on account of the aggravation to order that the +suspension be carried out in chains.' + +'Oh, horrible! most horrible!' cried the Doctor; 'then I must bend to +fate. No one likes suspense, to say nothing of the chains, and I in this +am no exception to the world at large. True, I have seen men hung in +chains who seemed to be proud of them, and wore them ostentatiously, +but----' + +'But, sir,' said Captain Ward, 'you are keeping us in suspense, thereby +incurring heavier penalties. Remember, alacrity in the performance of +duty is the only way to obtain mitigation, or the sentence will have to +be carried out in chains.' + +'Chains,' said the Doctor, 'are horrible--chains of all kinds, except +silken ones, of which I have no knowledge save by hearsay.' + +'Oh, oh!' cried Miss Perkins, 'who do you think will credit that +statement, Dr. Ticklemore?' + +'And why do you wear that gold locket that you never show to anyone?' +said Miss Wiseman. + +'I fear, ladies,' observed Captain Ward, 'that this Doctor is a gay and +faithless character, and an old offender against a certain little deity +that it is not necessary to describe more particularly just now; he has +for other offences been convicted as an incorrigible, and is at this +very time under sentence of _sus. per col._, unless he saves himself by +ready obedience to the order of the Court; therefore it may be as well +to postpone the consideration of this additional charge relative to the +locket till we see how he conducts himself: if truculent and refractory +he knows his doom, if, on the contrary, he exhibits a proper and decent +penitence for his manifold offences, and incontinently addresses himself +to his task----' + +'Incontinently!' exclaimed the Doctor. 'Surely, Captain Ward, you would +not recommend anything bordering on that in the present company.' + +'You abominable misinterpreter of words! you know very well that I used +the expression in the sense of quickly, immediately.' + +'Oh,' said the Doctor, with as much simplicity as he could throw into +his countenance, 'I am greatly relieved; but, in truth, Captain Ward, +knowing my highly delicate and sensitive moral organization, you should +be more considerate.' + +While this colloquy was going on, a shade of more than usual gravity was +visible on the features of the fair auditors, and the laughter of the +gentlemen was immoderate. Captain Ward's only remark was: 'Really, the +cool temperature of that fellow is without parallel; it is a pity he's +not an Irishman. He ought assuredly to have been born one, for he +certainly is what they term "a broth of a boy"; but come, let us have an +end of this "bald, disjointed chat." Pray make yourself a little +agreeable, Doctor; give us something to amuse us, and for a time forget +your quibbles, your "pribbles and prabbles," as good Sir Hugh has it.' + +'Well, as you ask so pretty, as our juvenile friends say, and will +promise not to abuse me any more, I'll try what I can do; but it must be +something very short. It will soon be eight bells, and then we break up +for the evening.' + +'Don't waste any more time, then,' said Lady Jervois, 'and instead of +abusing we'll all combine to praise you.' + +We have no record of Dr. Ticklemore's short tale. All we know of it is +that it amused the ladies very much; and of course, being approved by +the fairer half of the creation, the gentlemen were in a manner +compelled to applaud too. The next morning the Captain appeared to be +specially occupied with his maps and charts, and two of the boats, each +in charge of a junior officer, were sent out to take soundings, while +the _Elephanta_ scarcely moved on her way. The Captain suspected that an +under-current had carried the vessel several points to leeward, and, if +this were not seen to in time, we should not make Suez so nicely as he +wished. Leaving the Captain, who was not only a thorough seaman, but a +most careful officer, to attend to these matters, the party on board +occupied themselves according to their inclinations: the ladies brought +up their work, as there was a fair breeze, which under the awning was +pleasant enough; and the gentlemen either wrote, or read, or chatted, or +made arrangements for the evening with the ladies who sang or played. 'I +wish I was a vocalist,' said Lady Jervois. 'Do you?' said Captain +Trevanion; 'tell me why.' 'Oh, everyone wishes to be accomplished as a +musician, and I can do nothing in that way but play over the lessons I +learned at school.' 'Suppose it be so, it is not too late to learn. When +at home you will find numberless ladies capable and willing to help you +to cultivate music.' 'Ah, Captain Trevanion, they can't give me a +voice.' 'But how do you know that you have no voice?' 'Oh, they told me +so at school, and I feel I have no voice.' 'You must not set things down +against yourself; don't give up till you have had the opinion of a +first-rate master, and, if I may advise, I should say, go about and +hear as much good music and singing as you can.' 'I think I'll take your +advice; it is at all events very agreeable, should it not eventually +help me.' 'Ah, but I think it will!' said Marston, who had been standing +by during the whole colloquy. 'And now, Lady Jervois, if you will go +with us to the piano, and do us the honour to listen to our practice for +the evening, you will, as it were, be taking the first step in your +projected course of study, only under amateur musicians instead of +masters. Mrs. Smythe will, I am sure, feel highly complimented by your +attention to the practice. Here she comes.' 'Dear Mrs. Smythe,' said +Lady J., 'will you permit an untaught ignorant creature like myself the +pleasure and advantage of hearing your practice?' 'Dear Lady Jervois,' +returned Mrs. Smythe, 'your presence at the practice will give us all +sincere pleasure, and be esteemed a great compliment, too.' + +Thus Lady J. became a regular attendant on the morning practice of the +musical party, and of course became more intimate with them than she had +been before. When the practice was over the party dispersed--some to +chess, some to read, and some to play at the old game of 'Crambo' (in +which they all eventually joined); and though they might not manage so +well as Queen Elizabeth and Sir W. Raleigh did, still it caused some +amusement. + +When the din of tongues, and the mutual raillery and the laughing +consequent on the game at 'Crambo' had subsided, Captain Ward and +Trevanion sat down to a game at chess. They selected for their opening +move that subtle one known as the Evans Gambit. They had scarcely begun +when Lady J. came to the table, and seated herself near enough to watch +the game. She said, 'Don't mind me; I promise not to speak a word; but +though a very indifferent player, I am fond of the game.' After a tough +battle it ended in a draw. + +'I did not know you were a chess player, Lady J., or I should long since +have asked for a game.' 'I fear you are laughing at me; I am not at all +strong enough to contend with you.' 'But you will give proof, I hope, as +I am one of those stiff-necked people who take nothing on trust.' 'Oh, +you may take my word for that--on trust.' 'But will you not give me +proof?' 'Certainly, to-morrow morning, if you like. It is too late +to-day to begin a game.' 'But it is not too late, if you do not know it, +to show you Philidor's legacy.' 'I do not; yet I should like to know +it.' 'It arose in this way. It is admitted that you cannot give +checkmate with _two_ knights.' 'I think I have heard so.' 'In one of the +cafés of Paris, and in Philidor's presence, this was strongly insisted +on. He heard all that was said, and then asserted that he would give +checkmate with one knight, and without any other piece or pawn to assist +it. One of the speakers said in reply, "I'll bet you £1,000 you don't." +"Very well, I take your bet," said Philidor. "Mind, you are not to have +any piece or pawn to help you." "The checkmate shall be perfect and +complete by the move of one knight alone," returned Philidor.' 'And, +pray, how was it accomplished?' inquired Lady J. 'That I shall now have +the pleasure of showing you,' said Trevanion. And to the lady's no small +delight he showed how the checkmate with one knight was brought about. +(I see since this was written that the final position in Philidor's +legacy is published in one of the periodicals of the day as a problem, +but without giving the credit to the famous old master, whose ingenuity +and skill in playing the game so as to arrive at the position in +question seems almost beyond human power to conceive.) + +Lady J. had not attended the morning practice longer than a fortnight, +when the benefit derived from it was perceptible, not only to herself, +but to others. In order to gain courage and to strengthen her voice, she +sang at first in unison with Mrs. Smythe a number of sweet and admired +airs: 'Oh! come to me when daylight sets'; 'You shall walk in silk +attire'; 'Oft in the stilly night,' and a great many simple melodies. +Finding that she could remember these airs and sing them to herself gave +great pleasure to Lady J. and to her friends too; she found that her +voice was gaining power, and Mrs. Smythe declared that her ear was true, +and that if the voyage had lasted another month she would have been able +to take part in glees and duets. 'I fear you are flattering me too +much,' returned Lady J.; 'but I certainly shall persevere.' 'I told you +long ago that you were wrong to set the thing down against yourself, did +I not?' said Trevanion. 'And I threw in my little help, did I not?' said +Marston. 'You both did, and so encouraged me, that I am now hopeful of +myself.' 'When we get home, and you meet with a good teacher, I'll bet a +dozen pairs of gloves that in less than six months you take part in any +of the duets or glees we are practising now.' 'I will not venture on a +bet, but really, I do feel infinitely more hopeful than I was!' + +The _Elephanta_ was now at Suez, and as usual the weather was so +dreadfully hot that no pastimes nor amusements could be thought of; to +exist was a difficulty, and it was the same all through the Red Sea, and +so it continued till the party reached Alexandria. Then came the bustle +and trouble of transhipment to the steamer for England, and the +delightful change of the Mediterranean breeze and cool climate for the +dreadful heat of the Red Sea. All the passengers enjoyed the change +immensely; the walking the deck was so enjoyable that it superseded all +other modes of passing time. Trevanion and Lady J. were indefatigable in +taking this exercise. This attracted the notice of Miss Perkins and her +friend Miss Wiseman; the former observed that she perceived that the +widow was a great general. 'She first flirted with Captain Ward, but +finding that was of no use, she took up the singing line, and that seems +to have answered much better. Trevanion is evidently spoony.' 'I thought +so too, when I saw them walking the deck morning and evening.' 'The +truth is, my dear, that there is no being up to a widow--no, they come +over a man when he's not thinking of anything.' 'That's just it, they +take him altogether unawares. Now, to think of that cunning creature +pretending to want to learn to sing, merely to get on terms of intimacy +with that spoon Trevanion, and he so dull and so besotted with his music +that he does not see it.' Much more in the same strain was said, which +it is not worth while to put down. + +The new steamer, the _Bucephalus_, tore along at a great rate, and +passed some of the most interesting and storied scenes the world has to +show. As the Pillars of Hercules were passed, and the noble vessel +pointed towards old England, the anxiety to get the first glimpse of the +dear land was so great that some of the passengers sat up all night. At +last the ship came in sight of the blessed shore, and shortly afterwards +anchored off Southampton. When the ladies were safely landed, and with +their luggage installed in the Grand Hotel, the gentlemen, after seeing +that their own goods and chattels were all right, adjourned with the +whole party to the breakfast-room. + +The breakfast was scarcely finished, when two strangers appeared to take +charge of Mrs. Smythe and Mrs. Forbes; one of them a brother of the +first-named lady, the other first-cousin of the latter. These +gentlemen, anxious not to lose the train for Scotland, scarcely allowed +the two ladies time to say good-bye to their friends who had been their +late shipmates. This was, however, at last accomplished, with promises +of corresponding, the gentlemen vociferating, 'Come, or you will lose +the train!' and they were off to the land of cakes. Shortly after +breakfast was over, down came Lady J. dressed for travelling. 'You go, I +think,' said Trevanion, 'to your aunt, Lady Drummond, in Eaton Square?' +'Yes,' replied Lady J.; 'and you go to the Army and Navy Club?' 'Yes,' +said Trevanion. 'And I,' said Marston, 'am bound for the Selwyns' in +Devonshire.' 'I think I have heard a whisper that there are certain +bright eyes in Devon that are irresistible on this occasion.' 'Ah, +Trevanion,' said Marston, looking a little red and conscious, 'you have +been a traitor! I see how L. J. has become possessed of my secret.' 'I +really could not help it,' said Trevanion, laughing. 'Let me say,' said +Lady J., 'though I have never seen the fair young creature, that with +all my heart I wish you every success, Mr. Marston, and every future +happiness.' 'Hearty and sincere thanks,' returned the young gentleman, +blushing deeply, in spite of himself; 'and may I shortly be in a +position to congratulate you, Lady Jervois?' It was now the lady's turn +to look down to her feet, as a blush mantled over her beautiful +features. 'Well, Marston,' said Trevanion, coming to the lady's +assistance, 'when shall we see you in town again? But, perhaps that is +not a fair question, as it will probably depend on another's will.' +'Come, come, you shut up! It's a comfort to think that there are a pair +of us. Now let me shake hands, and bid good-bye to Lady Jervois.' + +When Marston was gone, only Miss Perkins and Miss Wiseman, beside +themselves, were left of all the party which had landed that morning. +Lady J., with her usual kindness, asked them if they were bound for +London; they said they were. Then said Lady J., 'You had better come +with us; Trevanion and I have secured a first-class carriage to London, +therefore your doing so will put us to no expense, and no +inconvenience.' 'How can you say so!' whispered Trevanion. 'I reckoned +on the privacy of our ride to say a great many things that I could not +so well say before. But you, you wicked creature, have entirely spoilt +my plan.' 'And did you not deserve it, sir, for planning anything so +deliberately wicked?' And as she said this her eyes sparkled and danced +with sportive malice, and Trevanion was more hopelessly in love than +ever. + +In the meantime the two young ladies were profuse in their +acknowledgments of Lady J.'s kindness and generosity. And so the party +managed to get to London, where the young ladies made their adieux; and +then Trevanion, having ordered a close carriage to take them to Eaton +Square, looked exultingly at Lady J.; but she was peremptory, and then +an open carriage was ordered. I am quite at a loss to guess why she was +so determined as to these arrangements, but, nevertheless, the ride was +very delightful. Trevanion held Lady J.'s hand in his all the way, and +this rewarded him for everything! There was a sweet long pressure of +hands ere the two parted, and the look of tenderness that stole from +Lady J.'s eyes overcame Trevanion so entirely that he hardly knew what +he was doing or saying. Lady Drummond sent out the most kindly +invitation to Trevanion, which he did not accept, begging to be excused +till the next day; he then bade adieu to Lady J., and as he did so felt +more depressed than he had ever felt in his life, and as if all around +was gloom; he felt truly that the sun of his life was gone. + +The next day, about two p.m., Trevanion called in Eaton Square, and to +his great mortification found that the ladies had gone out; he left a +card for each of them, and tried to console himself as best he could. He +then went to look at a horse that Colonel Brisbane, who was about to +return to India, wished to dispose of; a very handsome creature, +warranted to be sound in wind and limb, for which eighty guineas was to +be paid. 'Well,' said Trevanion, 'I'll try him in the "Row" this +evening, and if he suits me, I'll buy him.' The horse went beautifully, +and seemed to feel at once that he had a rider on his back, and the +rider was so pleased with him, that he made up his mind to take him; and +after he had been round the Row, he was enjoying an easy canter, when he +was obliged to rein up by a stylish pony phaeton, drawn by a pair of +silver grays not quite fourteen hands high, but very lovely. Two ladies +sat in the front, and the younger one was driving; a groom sat behind. +The recognition between Trevanion and the younger lady was +instantaneous, and immediately after the introduction to Lady Drummond +had taken place, she said that she regretted she was out when he called, +but they did not think he would have chosen so early an hour, and +thought that they should be at home in time to see him. + +'Ah!' said Trevanion, 'all this arises from those vile Indian customs I +have got used to, but I shall become more civilized by-and-by.' 'No, +no,' said the lively old lady; 'it arises from your formality and +stiffness in refusing my invitation yesterday.' 'You are exceedingly +kind to say so,' returned Trevanion. 'I suppose you'll adhere to it now +by refusing my invitation for this evening?' 'No, Lady Drummond, I +accept it with great pleasure, but as I have no groom with me, I must +ride back with the horse to Colonel Brisbane's stables, and return for +the evening; he won't be mine till the Colonel has got his price.' Both +the ladies were loud in their praises of the horse, and were glad that +he was to become Trevanion's property. 'And now,' said the gentleman, 'I +must go and dress, and I have no time to spare.' 'Now, mind you are +there in time--eight p.m. precisely.' 'I will be punctual, depend upon +it, Lady Drummond.' 'Well, I do in some sort depend upon it, for reasons +I don't think it necessary to mention just now,' and away went the +ladies, and away went Trevanion, after the bows and _au revoirs_ had +been duly paid. + +As he anticipated, he spent a most pleasant evening. He found Lady +Drummond a very agreeable, sensible, and frank old lady, and +consequently found himself at home at once. The presence of Lady J., a +real personification of grace and beauty, whose quiet happiness beamed +in every glance, insensibly enhanced the enjoyment and pleasure of all +three, the two ladies and their visitor. Trevanion, in fact, reckoned +this evening as one of the white periods of his life. + +It will be neither amusing nor instructive to trace the progress of a +courtship where everything was in favour of the lovers. The consent of +friends, mutual inclination, and ample means, made everything smooth. +The one cloud was the necessity of going to India for some years. At +this time cards from Mr. and Mrs. Marston reached our friends, with +letters in which M. declared that he would stay at home to the last +possible day, his Clara not liking the thought of India, though the +darling was willing to go anywhere with him. Trevanion wrote back to say +that his marriage was finally arranged, and would shortly come off, +which it did on the 10th of the following month, when Captain Trevanion +and Lady Jervois were made one. They spent their honeymoon at a pretty +old ivy-covered place called the Priory, which was lent to them for the +occasion by a friend of Lady Drummond's. When the honeymoon was over, +they went to Italy, where they spent some time. They visited Juliet's +reputed tomb in Verona; then they passed on to Venice and read +Shakespeare and Otway with redoubled zest, 'swam in gondolas' daily +while there, then returned on their footsteps, stayed a few days at +Fiorenza, and did not forget to see and admire 'the statue that enchants +the world.' They then determined on a short stay at Rome, where the +wonders of the Vatican delighted them greatly. The exquisitely expressed +agony of the Laocoon, the matchless, manly beauty of the Apollo, the +resolute endurance and suffering of the Dying Gladiator, indelibly +impressed themselves on their remembrance. To use their own words, these +marvels spoke in stone. Nor were the masterpieces of Michael Angelo, +Raphael, and others overlooked, but the bare enumeration of them would +take up too much of our space and time. + +They returned home saturated with admiration and enthusiasm for Italian +sculpture and painting. Nor did they come home altogether empty-handed. +They brought with them some lovely specimens of Italian work as presents +for friends and relatives. These were too many to be separately noticed, +but a Hercules destroying two centaurs was particularly admired, and was +much prized by Lady Drummond, to whom it was given; and a Theseus +delivering Ariadne from the sea monster, which was sent to Mrs. Marston, +was so much thought of by that lady and her friends, that she declared +it to be the most beautiful specimen of sculpture she had ever seen, and +she wrote such a charming letter to Lady Trevanion on the subject, that +it gave rise to a kind and affectionate correspondence between the two +ladies, though they had never seen each other. However, in the spring +Mrs. Marston, with her little boy, arrived in town, and there the +ladies became almost inseparable. The last we heard of them was, that +they were the two special attractions at a grand ball given by Lady D. +just before Captain and Lady Trevanion sailed for India. Mr. and Mrs. +Marston remained at home another year, then reluctantly embarked for the +land of the East. + +FOOTNOTE: + +[1] The author is quite aware of the anachronism, but hopes it may be +pardoned for the sake of its applicability. + + + + +No. II. + +CAPTAIN WHISTLER, AND LIFE IN CANTONMENT AT SECUNDERABAD. + + +In the year 18--, the ---- Regiment, Madras N.I., marched for the +cantonment of Secunderabad. The march was accomplished in the average +number of days without any more serious mishap or sickness than was +usual in those days, owing to the wise precautions taken by the officer +in command, in communication with the doctor of the regiment. The length +of each march being known, the hour of rising and commencing it was so +fixed as to enable the men to reach the ground appointed before the sun +was powerful; this, on an average, fell out between six and seven a.m. +No encamping ground whereon any large party of human beings, or any +other regiment, had halted was ever made use of for their purpose, +experience having shown that the poison of cholera dwells in such places +long after the people have departed from them, and in some cases even +when (as reported) the former sojourners had not been afflicted with +this terrible disease. The débris which they leave, and other foul +matters, appear to generate the plague when fresh men occupy the ground, +if such incautious reoccupation occurs within the period of twenty or +thirty days. The camp was always pitched as far from the villages as +convenience would permit, and placed, wherever possible, on high open +ground. The reward of these precautions was that the regiment reached +Secunderabad without losing a man. + +We had escaped the cholera, but as we approached the Kistnah we became +unpleasantly acquainted with another of the pests of India. It is true +that tigers are found more or less frequently all over the country, but +wherever there is much low jungle, high grass, reeds and rushes, these +monstrous striped cats are very numerous. The complete cover afforded by +this kind of vegetation encourages their increase greatly, and then they +become so formidable that no one dares singly, or, indeed, without a +strong escort, to pass or repass through such places. They will even, if +they are hungry, attack a whole regiment, which, with the families of +the Sepoys and followers, will scarcely number less than 4,000 or 5,000 +souls--men, women, and children; accompanied by some hundreds of +animals--horses, dogs, donkeys, and bullocks, and sometimes also by +elephants and camels. The noise and hubbub of such a camp, the lights +and fires at night, would, it might be imagined, be sufficient to keep +these beasts at a distance, but it is not always so. Even before eight +p.m., when silence is (in well-regulated camps) imposed on all, as all +are supposed to retire to rest at this hour in order to rise for the +early march, the tiger will spring into the midst of men and animals, +tents, etc., seize an unfortunate tatoo, or donkey, or man, and bound +with his prey over all impediments. But more commonly he defers his +attack till all is quiet, and most of the lights and fires are +extinguished or reduced to a few glowing embers here and there, and when +nothing is heard but the sentry's 'All's well!' Then is the time when +this ferocious animal is most to be feared, especially if the moon is +up, as it affords him light enough to select his victim, but does not +give the latter time or opportunity to provide against it, neither can +others follow in pursuit, the robber being generally lost to sight in a +few seconds; but even in this case the rule is not absolutely without +exception, as I shall shortly show. + +The loss sustained from these feline thieves during our march was first +that of a draught bullock, which was taken out of the midst of the camp, +or out of that part of it occupied by the camp followers. There was a +great noise of men and dogs, and some Shikaries, who were with the camp, +sent a few shots after the thief, but he was so soon lost to sight that +they may have been fired less from sight than from guess. The second +capture occurred on the night following that on which the bullock was +carried off: it was of an unfortunate tatoo (pony) belonging to a +Jemadar, who could ill afford to lose it, as he was an old man not well +able to march. He had not long, however, to overtax his strength by +marching, as the officers of his company subscribed twenty rupees to +enable him to buy another pony, which he soon did, rejoicing that the +tiger had taken his former one away, as, by the generosity of the +officers, he had secured a much younger and better one. + +The next march brought the regiment to the banks of the Kistnah, one of +the large rivers of India; there the officers and men had an opportunity +of seeing those round boats which we read of in Herodotus, and which we +are told were used in the days of Semiramis. They certainly answered the +purposes for which they were used exceedingly well. They are made of +pieces of split bamboo and bamboo mats, and externally they are covered +with bullock hides sewed together and stretched whilst moist over the +bamboo frame-work, to which they are securely fastened. It is +astonishing what weights these round boats will carry when they are new +and well made. Guns, with their carriages, every kind of cart, besides +men and animals, go safely across deep and broad rivers. This, however, +we did not practically know till the next morning, when, in obedience to +orders, the regiment crossed the Kistnah on these primitive machines, +and without difficulty or accident. + +On the day before the crossing was effected, a man was taken out of the +very midst of the camp shortly before eight a.m., and that although +everyone was on the alert and watchful, knowing that they were in near +vicinity to high grass and jungles abounding with tigers, and bearing in +mind, besides, the warnings which they had received on the two preceding +nights. In consequence of this state of watchfulness, scarcely two +minutes elapsed before a strong party of men and officers were in hot +pursuit of the man-eater, aided by several dogs. The beast was, as +heretofore, almost immediately lost to sight, but the dogs showed the +track the tiger had taken, so the men were able to continue the chase. +The sagacity of the dogs in following up was very remarkable, either +instructed by the experience of the two preceding nights or by their +natural intelligence. Though following the scent continually, they were +very careful not to go farther than a few yards in advance of their +masters, seeming to be quite aware that they would be wholly unable to +cope with the enemy they were in pursuit of. This prudence on their part +was noticed by the men and the officers, and was encouraged by them. + +Suddenly the dogs halted, barked, and uttered a plaintive cry; the +officers brought their rifles forward, but, not perceiving the tiger, +they carefully walked forward, ready to fire on the instant. At this +moment a Shikari called out that there was something on the road, and +the next instant that it was the man who had been carried off. All then +hastened up to him, and found him weltering in a pool of blood, which, +on interrogating him, they found was not his own; it was almost entirely +that of the tiger. The poor fellow had been so shaken and exhausted +that at first he could scarcely explain himself; however, a small dose +of brandy, the sense of safety, and the encouragement he received from +all round him, soon restored him sufficiently to enable him to explain +how he had effected his marvellous escape. It further appeared, both by +his own statement and that of the surgeon (who was one of those who had +gone in pursuit), that though his side was torn and lacerated by the +teeth of the beast, he had sustained no broken bones, nor, indeed, any +actual injury. + +His story was this: at first he was so stunned by the shock of the +tiger's spring that he was hardly conscious of the grip that fastened on +him, or of the spring which carried him out of the camp; his first +feeling of consciousness informed him of his position, and that he was +being rapidly carried along to be devoured at leisure. The prospect was +so unpleasant that he bethought him whether there was any possible mode +of extrication. He had his bayonet with him, having, when seized, just +come off guard. This 'Koodah-ki-fuzzul sey,' as he said, put it into his +head to attempt to get free. The skin and flesh of his left side was in +the tiger's mouth, and his right hand and arm were free. With his hand +he felt for the heart of the tiger, then slowly drawing his bayonet out, +he placed the point of it between the animal's ribs, just opposite the +beat. Having thus prepared matters, he drove in the point with his whole +strength, and with such effect that the tiger, making a spring and a cry +at the same time, let his prey fall, and after limping a step or two +fell down, himself bleeding copiously. He, however, rallied so far as to +be able to crawl on farther, but, added the little hero (a Sepoy, five +feet one inch in height), 'I am certain he cannot go far.' + +On hearing this, the pursuit was immediately resumed; the doctor, +greatly to his annoyance, was ordered to remain by the side of the +sepoy, who, as soon as a dhooly could be got, was carried in a sort of +cradle back to the camp. His story was so wonderful, and his escape so +extraordinary, that had not the doctor's orders been peremptory, the +poor little fellow would have had no sleep all the night; such numbers +were anxious to see him, and to hear him repeat the narrative of his +defeat of the 'burrah bhague.' Indeed, it is said that for a week after +he was out of hospital he was still called on occasionally to tell the +story. + +The party who went after the wounded beast, by the aid of dogs, +lanterns, flambeaus, and the stain of blood, soon tracked the foe (it +was a female tigress) to a cave near at hand, where they found her +dying, and three splendid little cubs about two months old, which they +lost no time in taking possession of. They were very desirous of making +acquaintance with the proprietor of the cave, but this gentleman, it +would seem, was absent from home. His anxious friends spent an hour in +searching for him, but without success. This probably was fortunate for +them, as it was a very imprudent thing to search for such a customer by +torchlight. The officer commanding, indeed, positively forbade any +repetition of that kind of search, for which he properly thought the +daylight was essential. One of the party, before they left the cave, +gave the tigress a bullet, which put an end to her lingering struggles. + +So far is simply Lieutenant B.'s story just as it was told to me; but +the sequel I can positively affirm to be true, from my own knowledge. +When I landed at Madras in 18--, the little hero of the tiger incident +was on guard at the entrance of the Adjutant-General's Office in the +fort, and was really the best show of the place. The little Sepoy who +had come off victorious after being in the jaws of the tiger was the +lion of the fort, and it was customary for every new-comer, to whom he +was presented, to give him a rupee. Thus the little man reaped, +independent of his pension, a revenue which, to him, was very +considerable, and the Government was exempted, or conceived itself to be +exempted, from making any special provision for him. What finally became +of this wonderful small man I do not know. I suppose, in the language of +a great conqueror of another race, _ivit ad plures_. 'The paths of glory +lead but to the grave,' so sings the poet and the moralist; and probably +poor little Ram Sing was no exception to the rule. + +But we are digressing, and it is necessary to resume Lieutenant B.'s +account of the _march_. The very word 'march,' while sitting by a +comfortable fire in a nicely-carpeted room, is fearful. The getting up +at one or two a.m.; those dreadful taps (striking the tent pegs), and +the tents falling about one's ears--the whole is appalling--_horresco +referens_--and yet, instead of the gout and other infirmities of age, +how gladly would I face it over again, with the untold privations, +fatigue, and sun superadded, could I but feel again the elasticity, the +glow of health, youthful energy, courage, and confidence in my own +strength and endurance, which I once possessed; but _nunquam retrorsum_ +is the banner of existence, and all must submit to it. I return, +therefore, to Lieutenant B.'s account of the march of his regiment to +the cantonment of Secunderabad. The only incident deserving of any +notice during progress through this part of the Deccan was, on more than +one occasion, a difficulty about supplies. Who was to blame no one could +clearly make out, opposing statements being freely made use of; it was +an old disputed responsibility, but there could be no dispute that the +Sepoys suffered. They were reduced to short commons several times. On +one occasion there were absolutely _no_ supplies to be had when the men +arrived on the encamping-ground. The poor fellows had already marched +fourteen miles, and had done it well, reaching the ground before seven +a.m. They had started at half-past two a.m., and were just +congratulating themselves at having got over the march before the sun +was very powerful. Their congratulation was, however, short-lived, as +they soon learned from the quartermaster that they must go on to the +next village, _i.e._, another fourteen miles, to obtain food. The sun +was then quite hot enough in all conscience, and to proceed another +fourteen miles under progressively increasing heat was appalling; but +there was no help for it, the peril must be faced. + +The officers at that time wore those horrid little forage-caps covered +on line of march with black oilskin. To ride fourteen miles with such a +covering to the head, under a burning sun, was infinitely worse than +being exposed to the hottest fire. My informant, the doctor, assured me +that if he had not devised a special defence he must have fallen from +his horse from sunstroke. His plan was this: he arranged with the +regimental puckally (that is, the man who attends with a bullock +carrying two mushues, or bullock-hides, filled with water) to be always +close at hand during the march. Nothing but this could have saved him. +He utilized the mushues in this way: before starting on the second march +he had taken out two towels, which the puckally kept constantly soaked +with water. One, well-soaked, was placed under the forage-cap, and as +soon as it got heated it was replaced by the other. All the officers +resorted to the use of wet cloths, but no one carried out the plan so +systematically as the doctor did, and he escaped as well as any of them, +though he had previously suffered from sunstroke. + +At last the second march was accomplished, but the men were so tired and +exhausted that they had taken five hours and a half to do it, though +they had performed the first fourteen miles in little more than four +hours. Both men and officers were so dead-beat that, on reaching the +ground, everyone wanted to throw himself down where he stood; but +necessary duties had to be attended to. Luckily some Bamans, Bunganies, +as they were called, had halted at this stage, and readily supplied the +men with the various grains they wanted; and large mango-tops afforded +shelter from the sun, and gradually food and rest were obtained. +By-and-by palanquins, tents, and carts arrived, and the officers got +better shelter and their usual food; and as there was a halt for the +next day, all things gradually fell into working order. On the morning +after the halt, the march was resumed, and in a week the regiment +reached the cantonment of Secunderabad. + +To give a full account of the European mode of life in cantonment, even +at the largest station, would scarcely repay any reader. The reveille, +the parade, or sham-fight, the general's concluding remarks to the men +and officers, the march home, the conversation on reaching the barracks, +the disencumbrance of the war-paint, the chatty bath, breakfast, and the +edifying chat respecting dogs, horses, guns, or billiards; he must +indeed be fond of pipe-clay who can be entertained by such things. And +when the coffee and tea and toast, the eggs, the grilled moorgey (a +sudden death, and accordingly as tough as need be), with the curry, +chutnee, etc., have been discussed--as well as Ensign A.'s wonderful +leap, or Captain B.'s splendid shot, or Major C.'s grand display at the +billiard match, have all been served up, and duly commented on; or +arrangements made for a shikar-party--nothing is left but to adjourn to +the billiard-room. All this is the very embodiment of Shakespeare's +twice-told tale, 'stale, flat, and unprofitable.' It is repeated at +every station year after year, and it has besides been given in detail +so well and so often in works of fiction relating to India, that it +would be no less foolish than impertinent to reproduce it here. The same +may be said of the occupations of the fairer half of the creation: +wherever it may be, it is the same thing--the morning exercise on +horseback, the ball, the breakfast, the toilet, the staying at home to +receive visitors, or going out to pay visits, the remarks on the last +party, or the one that is expected; Mrs. W.'s dress, and Miss L.'s good +looks, Miss M.'s engagement, and a thousand other topics of equally +overpowering importance. These, and the all-imperative duty of leaving +cards for everyone, which, if neglected, or even postponed, is an +offence that nothing can expiate, an offence never forgiven, and one +that has probably, in this land of the sun, produced more quarrels, more +heart-burning, and more bad feeling than any other cause that can be +named. Mrs. General D. goes in her carriage to pay Mrs. Ensign Smith a +visit, and never omits to leave her card. Mrs. Captain G. goes in her +palanquin-coach to pay a visit to whom you please, and scrupulously +leaves her card. Mrs. Quartermaster goes in her bullock-coach to visit +the ladies of the regiment, and never fails to leave cards wherever she +stops. The system is indeed so universal, and so well understood, that +even the bullocks themselves have adopted it, as all those who know the +habits of these animals can testify. It is indeed a positive fact that, +whenever the owner of the coach stops at anyone's door, the polite +creatures never fail to leave a S.P.C.--strange, no doubt, but +nevertheless true. + +The monotony of cantonment life is not unfrequently varied, I regret to +say, by scandals, and stories circulated to the detriment of this or +that lady. They may be true, or they may be false, but as a rule there +is generally some imprudence or want of due circumspection on the part +of the lady pointed at; and if her fault is of the most venial nature, +her female friends are sure to attribute the worst to her; their own +virtue is so pure and perfect that they cannot bear the remotest +suspicion of the reverse in any of their friends. A curious and +instructive instance of this noble, amiable, and highly moral +disposition occurred at the house of Mrs. O'N. Lady G. entered just as a +lady who had paid her a visit got up to leave. Mrs. O'N. offered Lady G. +the seat her former visitor had vacated, which was refused in this way: +'Was not the person who left the room Mrs. S.?' 'Yes,' said the hostess. +'Then,' returned Lady G., 'pray give me any other chair.' Her wish was +complied with, and she paid her visit without suffering the +contamination she dreaded. When Lady G. departed Mrs. O'N. indulged in a +hearty laugh, which she explained to another visitor by telling her of +Lady G.'s horror at the thought of sitting on a chair that had been +occupied by a questionable character. 'She was herself so chaste, my +dear,' said Mrs. O'N., 'that she couldn't bear the idea of anything of +that kind.' + +Scandal runs riot in all small societies, and therefore perhaps the +scandals in Indian cantonments are, to a certain extent, merely _en +regle_. But at the same time it must not be forgotten that after +breakfast, for several hours, both sexes have nothing to do. The ladies +dress and receive visitors as often as not when their husbands are away +on shikar parties, or are amusing themselves at the billiard-table. +These morning visits are sanctioned by custom. But in India they are not +altogether without danger. First, both sexes, when they mingle in +society, have nothing to occupy or amuse them but philandering, _i.e._, +paying compliments or listening to them; and this, though innocent +enough, it may be, in the beginning, is by no means so when often +repeated by the same individuals. 'What a nice little creature Mrs. +So-and-so is; I wonder how Captain B. can occupy himself so much away +from home; he is always away on some shikar party, or at the +billiard-room, or at the racquet-court, or on duty, or attending +court-martial duty. I know if she was my wife I wouldn't leave her to +herself or to others as ---- does.' By-and-by something of this oozes +out, and then there is a laugh, the young gentleman is roasted by his +male friends in a gentle, or even an encouraging way. Something perhaps +like the following will occur: + +'What, Jack, are you getting spoony about Mrs. B.? She is an enticing +creature, I must confess; but take care of B.: if he finds out that +you're too sweet with his wife, he'll have you out as sure as fate.' +'Oh! I don't fear B.'s turning rusty; he knows very well I often make +morning calls, and he often invites me to dinner.' 'The more fool he, +especially as he leaves the lady at home so much.' 'I'll tell you what +it is,' says another of these young philanderers, 'if a fellow won't +stay at home to look after his own property, he must expect that other +fellows will try and supply his absence. I know I should be dooced glad +if the chance was mine.' And really you can't blame the petticoat much +if she shows that she likes the attentions of one who gives her to +understand, in every way he can, how he adores her and worships her, +etc.; and though he may be only leading her into what is called a +'fools' paradise,' she doesn't know that until it is too late and she +has disgraced herself, thrown away her good name, and made a serious +scandal; or she is sent home and a divorce is obtained, or the husband +calls out the Lothario and shoots him, or gets shot himself. + +I have in my experience known a young gentleman pray heartily that the +injured man would call him out, as then, being a good shot, he should +certainly hit him, and in all probability put him out of the way, which +would make all things smooth for him and Emma. These and unnumbered +other results, more or less serious, arise from the want of occupation +and the system of calling. + +It is a saying as old as the hills, that a very prying inquisitive old +gentleman always finds work for idle hands, and certainly Indian +experience does not discredit the truth of it. The kind of morality that +obtains in these matters amongst young men in general is not very +exalted, whatever vocation or profession they follow, and amongst army +men it is proverbially not very strict. I might put it the other way, +but let it pass; they have a great deal more idle time than most other +young men, therefore, according to the postulate above given, they are +more likely to do wrong. Well, an idle young fellow pays a young married +lady a morning visit; she may be very attractive both in manner and in +person; she may possess a pretty face, may possess much intelligence, +and may be an accomplished musician, may ride and dance well; and if she +possesses these various attractions, or some of them, is it natural that +an inconsiderate young fellow, who may also be clever, good-looking, +gentleman-like, and withal a finely-figured man, one who may also be a +vocalist, and a good dancer--is it natural, I say, that these two young +people should spend an hour together without being more or less +prepossessed in each other' s favour? This result is inevitable; the +gentleman soon repeats his visit, he admires the lady more than before, +and does not fail to let her see it; she, on the other hand, begins to +think that Lieutenant ---- is really a very pleasant and agreeable young +man. So much being admitted, the frequent repetition of these morning +calls, and perhaps some invitations to tiffin, or dinner, or to spend +the evening, from the husband, who, all unsuspicious of mischief and +danger, instead of being displeased, is rather proud that other men +admire his wife, lead up to a footing of great intimacy. This, again, +leads to morning rides, to engagements for partnership at dances, and +to every kind of employment or pastime wherein the parties can be +coupled together. This stage in the affair naturally excites the +observation of the bystanders, the lookers-on, and they not only take +note of the intimacy between Mrs. ---- and Mr. So-and-so, but without +more ado set down Mrs. So-and-so not as guilty of imprudence, and the +indulgence of a little vanity, but of an improper and disgraceful +intimacy, which up to this time has perhaps never been thought of, at +all events has not been yielded to. Thus the lady, being at this time +innocent, is rendered indignant, violent, and to some extent reckless, +at being falsely accused, and she, in consequence of this state of +feeling, unwisely and perversely argues thus: 'Oh! if society chooses to +accuse and condemn me for nothing, what does its opinion signify? I am +sure I am not going to give up my friends to please society. I have done +nothing wrong, and I am not going to do anything wrong.' And perhaps she +means what she says, and really thinks she has done nothing wrong, and +perhaps truly means that she does not intend to do wrong; which, being +expressed in plain English, means that she does not intend to commit +adultery; and she may honestly mean to keep her word. Her really doing +so is quite a different thing. After she has overstepped all the +barriers, or almost all, that society, etiquette, and high moral feeling +have established to restrain the intimacy between the opposite sexes, it +is very questionable whether a lady has it in her power to say to +herself: 'Thus far shalt thou go and no further.' From the hour that she +admitted any exceptional degree of intimacy, from that hour she has +placed herself on an inclined plane, and the further she descends on it +the greater is the difficulty for her to draw back. In the very large +majority of such cases, the truth of the French axiom is made painfully +manifest: _C'est le premier pas qui coute_, and in those few cases +where shame does not succeed to such intimacies, the escape is due to +accidental causes. These appear to me to be simply the teachings of +experience; but it would be altogether one-sided not to add that men, +who, from unbounded reliance on the virtue of their wives, permit any +continued attentions (however harmless) from any other man, are in a +great measure responsible for the consequences. Nor should they leave +their wives too much to themselves; if they do, other men will endeavour +to step into their places, and it is a husband's duty to protect his +wife against such endeavours. There are, no doubt, cases which of +necessity involve long and continued absence. Military and naval men are +specially exposed to these risks when on active service. In these cases +the lady's honour, principle, and sense of religion should be her +defence. In cases in which, from duty, office-work, or business, the +husband is absent during the day, the lady should be able, if she is +honest and true, to defend herself. + +But these exceptions give no just warrant for a married man to go alone +for weeks or months on tours of pleasure, of sport in distant lands, or +fishing in distant seas, and, for such reasons, to leave a young wife +without protection; nor are unhappy cases wanting to show the bitter +fruits of such neglect. + +Details of any intimacies such as those referred to here will scarcely +prove interesting to the majority of readers, and if they were, my pen +would feel too much disgust and sorrow to become the means of +chronicling such unhappy doings. Neither do I think that the ordinary +humdrum details of Indian life in cantonment would repay perusal. I +therefore say nothing of the sensation created in the cantonment of +Secunderabad by the arrival of Mrs. ----'s new dress, made in the latest +mode by the French milliner at Madras, nor of the new carriage that +reached its destination but last week from Simpson's for the Colonel's +wife, nor of the pretty Arab that Captain S. sent down from Bombay for +his wife. All, no doubt, tremendously important and absorbing events to +those concerned, but not quite so much so to the general reader. + +The only event that I will chronicle is Captain W.'s persevering and +ultimately successful search for a man-eating tiger. All those who have +been at Secunderabad know that there is a clump or collection of the +ordinary gneiss rocks about a mile and a half from the cantonment, and +on the opposite side to that on which the Hussain Sanger Tank is +situated. These rocks have, time out of mind, been famed and feared by +the natives as the abode of tigers; and sporting men, when stationed +here, have, at different times, made raids, or shikar parties, with the +view of destroying or driving away these deadly tenants of the +rock-built towers and caves that Nature had made ready for them. The +effects of these efforts, however successful for the time, have never +been very long continued. Occasionally a royal beast has been killed by +some lucky or well aimed bullet, and sometimes some of the beaters have +been carried off in spite of numbers, guns, and determined foemen, and +sometimes the beast and his family relinquished for a time their chosen +lair; but ordinarily, unless some sporting men were at hand, a sort of +compact or sufferance on the part of the natives existed, much after +this fashion. At one time a native riot, or cultivator, lost a bullock, +or a sheep, or a donkey; another time some other person lost one of such +animals, or tatoos, and on a third occasion some other individual was +the sufferer, and so on. As the injury was, as it were, distributed with +something like equality, and as they did not, generally speaking, suffer +in their own persons, they began to look on the infliction as a sort of +necessary evil; it was their fate, their 'hickmut,' 'ickbal,' etc., and +they bore it patiently, and with resignation. Indeed, so long as they +were not themselves devoured, they rarely made any exertion to rid +themselves of their enemy. + +This passive state of affairs, however, only lasted so long as the +striped gentleman kept his paws off human victims. If by dint of hunger +or failure of other prey, he chanced to get the taste of human flesh, +the fastidious beast would never, if he could get it, feed on any other. +At first the villagers round about were struck with terror and grief. +After the first man had been taken, not many days passed before another +was carried off, and so on till fourteen had been seized and made away +with. The poor people were in great dismay; they had made two attempts, +by setting baits, and watching at night, to slay the marauder, but +without avail. The baits were taken, but the wounds inflicted by the men +were not, so it appeared, much thought of by the tiger, for he bounded +off with his prey in spite of them. The villagers were in despair; they +did not dare to go into the fields, or scarcely to appear outside their +doors. All sorts of sacrifices were made to Muniah, and donations to the +Fakeers and Brahmins, but nothing availed. + +At last reports of the distress of the villagers reached the ears of the +men of the M.N.I., and these mentioned them to their officers. The very +next day a strong party of sportsmen and beaters set out for the rocks +before mentioned. Besides Captain W., there were four crack ball-shots +amongst the sportsmen, so that it was thought the fate of Mr. Burrah +Bhague was tolerably certain, but in spite of the most careful and +indefatigable search no tiger could be found. + +A couple of hours had been spent in the search, and it was burning hot, +so it was agreed that the whole party should adjourn for a couple of +hours to the mess-tent, which had been pitched in the Maidan a few +hundred yards off, to rest and refresh themselves. The effects of cold +water, soda-water, dashed, I must admit, with some firewater, along with +sundry cheroots, together with the shade and shelter from the terrific +sun, soon restored the eyes and steadied the hands of the hunters, and +as the man-eating gentleman seemed to have left his accustomed haunts, +it was agreed to proceed some three miles farther, where there was +another aggregation of rocks. The ghorrey wallehs were then called for, +and soon led the various tatoos to their several masters, who, on +reaching the second pile of rocks, at once dismounted, and after looking +at their caps, proceeded to make the necessary arrangements for +inspecting the new pile of rocks with care and caution. + +Without troubling the reader with these details, it will be enough to +say that every precaution which skill and experience could dictate was +employed, but still without finding any beast. More than three hours had +been spent in this second search; everyone was now greatly fatigued, and +beaten by the sun, therefore at last they agreed to relinquish the +search for that day, vexed and disappointed though they were. In +remounting their ponies, a sullen silence weighed on the spirits and the +tongue of everyone. How different to the volatile chatter and chaff that +everyone indulged in at starting! The cheerful jest and saucy jibe of +the morning, the uproarious and hearty laugh, were all hushed, and but a +few gruff words were heard now and then. The only business of the entire +party seemed to be to smoke and to meditate. + +As they again approached the rocks first examined, Captain W. proposed +that they should try again by making another examination, but he got no +one to second his proposition; they were all so sunned and so tired, +that all declined to do anything more that day. 'So be it,' said W. +'You're lazy fellows; go home, and I'll go by myself, and have another +look for our shy friend. I'm certain he's there, though where I can't +imagine. There's one peak that I didn't climb up, because I couldn't +conceive that it led to anything; but it may, and I shall certainly +examine it before I go home.' 'Oh, don't, Godfrey!' exclaimed his +friends; 'for God's sake, don't! We're all so done up that we're fit for +nothing.' 'My eyes are so dazed by the glare,' said B., 'that I couldn't +see the beast, I verily believe, if he was standing a few yards before +me.' 'Well, Master Frank, if you are in the happy condition you +describe, whose fault is it? If you will empty your own flask, and then +borrow mine, which I perceive is now empty also, how can you expect to +see?' This smart rally from W. raised the laugh against B., who, though +a most ready-witted fellow, had drunk so much that he couldn't say +anything in reply. 'Don't go, Godfrey,' said poor Bob M., 'don't go. +We're all so tired, that we really should be of little use.' 'Oh,' +returned W., 'you're quite right; much better stay away. How do I know +with that inflamed visage of yours that you would not take me for the +tiger? No, no, Bobby; you've been too deeply associated with B., and +have paid too much attention to his flask and your own to permit me to +trust you.' Bob replied: 'Nonsense! I can see very well. Don't go. Upon +my life, in such a place as that, to go alone is simply to throw your +life away. I say again, for God's sake, don't go! We're none of us in a +fit state to give proper help, and we can't let you go by yourself. +Besides, it's unkind and unfriendly of you to undertake the thing +single-handed, and thus to leave us out of it. Don't think of it, +Godfrey, for to-day; we'll all be at your command to-morrow, or any +other day you please.' + +The other sportsmen, S. and C., said the same. C., who was a very +experienced and successful tiger-shot, again pointed out the great and +needless risk W. would run if, under such extraordinary disadvantages, +he would alone go amongst the rocks, wherefrom, on any side, above or +below, the beast might spring on him before a glimpse had been seen of +it. All was to no purpose. W. was convinced that the animal was +concealed somewhere in the rocks before them, and that in the morning he +had omitted to search that particular peak he had spoken of, so nothing +would content him till he had made a fresh search. Almost with the +objurgations of his friends he went solus up the rocks again. His +friends, though at that time not game, or rather too done up, to follow +him, could not bear to leave him in a situation of such difficulty and +danger. They halted under the shade of a few tamarind-trees near at +hand, waiting in great anxiety for W.'s return, or for some signal from +him. Some sat on their ponies, others dismounted, and made their boys +spread mats for them with camblies, or anything that might serve for an +extempore pillow. But, however they disposed of themselves, their +tongues were not idle, and all were agreed that W.'s going up the rocks +by himself was egregious folly, and that he was as determined and +obstinate as he was foolhardy in doing it. W. was such a favourite that +the great risk he was needlessly running made some very angry; some were +in great fear and excitement, and some had called for water, and were +bathing their heads, washing their eyes, etc., in order to go after him, +being unable to endure any longer the painful suspense they were +suffering. + +M., C. and S. were just beginning to move towards the rocks when their +footsteps were arrested by the sharp crack of a rifle, instantly +followed by the roar of a tiger. 'My God! it's all over with poor +Godfrey!' exclaimed M. 'I feared it would be so,' said S. 'Let's get +forward,' said C.; 'we may not be too late to help. It was up this rock +he went.' All were scrambling up, keeping their guns ready for instant +use, when bang went another rifle-shot. 'That sounds healthy,' said M. +'Oh, it's grand!' said C.; 'you may depend on it he has found and +killed.' 'On my honour,' said S., 'it's almost too good, too glorious, +to be true.' Then arose shouts for Godfrey, and 'Where are you; how can +we get at you?' + +By this time some of the natives had found out where W. was, and then +confused cries of 'Saib Ateha hi, hither owe! is turrup sey, hither owe! +hither owe! Bhague murgia, koodah ki fuzzul sey, Saib my mana,' and many +other cries and utterances and exclamations crowded on the ears of those +who had lately been in such painful anxiety that they could bear it no +longer. By-and-by W. was seen descending by a path so difficult and +dangerous that it was hard to say whether the tiger or the pathway were +the more so. At last he achieved his descent without broken bones, and +could converse with his friends, who at once overwhelmed him with +questions and inquiries. He was not hurt? No; he had not got a scratch! +'How was it? How did you find the beast?' 'It was just as I suspected. +That rock which we neglected to examine this morning led to the beast's +fortress. When I had climbed to the top of it, I found that there was a +vast chasm between the rock on which I stood and all the surrounding +rocks. I also observed that there was a ledge jutting out some two and a +half feet from the body of the rock about twelve feet below me. This +ledge ran along the face of the rock for some thirty yards, and then +gradually descended on the left side from where I stood. From the sight +of some half-gnawed bones that lay on the ledge nearly in a +perpendicular line below me, I suspected that my friend's dwelling could +not be far off, but how to let myself down puzzled me for a time. The +precipice went down from the ledge probably near a hundred feet. I did +not, therefore, like to risk a jump, lest I should lose my balance after +landing on the ledge. I could let down my gun by means of my shot-belt +and some twine I had about me, but I did not see how to let myself down +so that I could be sure of keeping my balance. I walked from one end of +the top of the ridge to the other, and thus found that at one part of it +I could get down nearer to the ledge by two feet, and that by hanging +from that part of the ridge I should only have two feet to drop. Having +made these observations, I gently let down my gun, so that it rested on +the ledge upright against the ridge. I then got down as far as possible, +and afterwards dropped on to the ledge as gently as I could. On reaching +the ledge I instantly seized and disembarrassed my gun. Two paces to the +right brought me in front of a large and deep cave, formed in the body +of the main rock, at the bottom of which I saw two balls of fire. I +aimed just between them and fired. My shot was a very lucky one, as it +hit the beast so hard that on attempting to spring he fell down almost +at my feet. Could he have sprung, I must have been dashed to pieces by +being knocked down the precipice. Finding that the animal was not quite +dead, I gave him the other barrel, which was the second shot you heard.' + +As soon as he had finished his explanation, he was so overwhelmed with +laudation and congratulation of all kinds that he said: 'Come, let us +think of getting home, and to do that we must get hold of the carcase of +the cat, and we must take his measure before we take off his coat.' +'What a queer customer he is!' said B., who had from excitement and the +persevering use of chatties of cold water in some degree recovered +himself. 'Most fellows have their coats off before they begin to fight; +this chap waits till the fight is over.' 'What! you've found your +tongue, have you, Frank?' said W. 'I thought you were too far gone to +have eyes or ears for anything.' 'Not a bit of it,' returned B.; 'I must +have been dead drunk, indeed, if I had not heard the row that poor +beggar up yonder kicked up when your messenger made him give tongue. +But, by Jove! here he comes! What fellows these natives are! They have +not taken ten minutes to sling the beast on bamboos, to get him out of +his dark mansion, and to bring him down here.' This explained the +tom-toms and songs and music, as well as the crowd of Sepoys and beaters +and villagers that was now advancing from the rocks, bearing in triumph, +and in a sort of procession, the enemy that had lately been so dreaded +far and near. The tiger, an immense creature, was borne along slung by +all fours to a bamboo carried at least by twenty men, for every villager +tried hard, if only for a yard or two, to have a hand in carrying his +enemy, not only to ensure future good luck, but to triumph over him. +With all the sounds of rejoicing described the crowd brought the tiger, +and laid him at W.'s feet. 'Ram Sing' (the naigue of his company), said +W., 'how did you manage to get the beast here so quickly?' 'Oh, sir, we +were all ready; we had bamboos, and ropes, and ladders all prepared, and +plenty of willing hands anxious to do anything I told them.' 'Oh, that +was it, was it?' said W. 'Well, my men have been wonderfully speedy. +I'll reward them by-and-by; but now we must take the dimensions of our +quondam friend.' 'But, sir, the villagers want leave to speak, if you +will allow them.' 'Well, let them say their say, if they will promise +not to make it long.' + +Accordingly, the head men of the several villages which had lost +inhabitants from the man-eater came forward, accompanied by the +surviving relatives of those who had been carried off. These poor +people, many of them with tears in their eyes, came and threw themselves +at W.'s feet anxious to touch his garments or kiss his shoes. In their +untaught and simple way they made poojah to him, _i.e._, they literally +worshipped him as a superior being, and implored their deities to shower +blessings on the brave Ingrasy Sahib who had rescued them and theirs +from the fangs of the devourer. 'Well, that's enough,' said W.; 'you had +better get up, now.' 'But,' replied the head men, 'we have not yet done +what we came to do--we have a bag of 500 Rs. that we beg the Captain +Sahib will take from us; it is contributed jointly by all the villages +that have suffered.' W. knew well the general poverty of the villages, +and being wholly unprepared for any such unusual demonstration from the +natives, was for a moment thrown off his equanimity. He walked away a +few yards, and it was observed that his eyes were moist, but he soon +recovered his ordinary quiet and unmoved demeanour. Then, turning to the +people kneeling and prostrate about him, he said, speaking Hindustani +fluently: 'My good friends, for what I have done I am amply repaid in +the consciousness of having delivered you from your enemy; besides, the +search for large game is to a British officer and a sportsman a very +great pleasure, and he would feel himself dishonoured if he accepted +money or presents for anything he might do as a sportsman. Do not, my +friends, suppose that it is from pride that I do not accept your bag of +rupees; I feel grateful to you for the kindness shown in the offer, and +to show my sense of it will accept from each of the villages that have +suffered a pair of doves or quails. But as to money, that is out of the +question. On the other hand, I am debtor to you all for the assistance +and information you rendered me in the beginning in tracking and +beating, and now in bringing down, the dead beast. I have ordered my +head boy to pay to each of the villages 15 Rs. All I want you now to do +is to lay the carcase straight, that we may measure the exact length +from the nose to the tip of the tail' (which was found to be nine feet +and nine inches--a grand specimen). And when this had been done, he +said: 'Now all I have to ask is that you will help Ram Sing to take off +the skin. Ram Sing knows all about that.' + +When W. had finished speaking, the natives one and all again broke out +into pæans of praise in behalf of their deliverer, so extravagant, +indeed, judged by our notions, that W. was scandalized, or, if not, he +feared ridicule; so he gave orders to his head boy to take them away, +and to his friends he said, 'Come, let's get home; I am not a little +hungry, and trust they've kept something at the mess for us, which I +shall attack, as soon as I've had a bath, with as much ferocity as ever +our dead friend his choice food.' 'We all say ditto to that, and God +help the mess butler if he doesn't show to-day in good form, for he'll +find us on this occasion all tigers.' + +W., in his extreme modesty, had sought to avoid the triumphal parade of +bringing the tiger into the cantonment, and had therefore given the +orders already mentioned. But his intended curtailment of the public +triumph did not at all suit Ram Sing, or any of the natives, Sepoys, +beaters, or villagers, in any way connected with the deed. They could +not comprehend the doing a noble and daring action with the wish to say +and make as little as possible of it. They therefore determined, whether +W. liked it or not, that he should have a public ovation; and, +accordingly, they entered the cantonment in grand procession, with +lights and torches and drums, tom-toms, horns, trumpets, and all sorts +of heterogeneous instruments, making a most infernal row and outrageous +discords, in the centre of an immense concourse of people, bearing along +the tiger, singing songs, setting forth Burrah Bhague's evil deeds, +describing his conqueror as nothing less than Rustum, giving the +attributes of a demigod to him, and describing his skill and courage as +invincible and irresistible; these hymns of praise they assisted with +all the noises they could bring together, not forgetting squibs, +crackers, rockets, and all the fireworks they could procure. In this way +they paraded through the whole cantonment, partly back again, till they +reached the compound of the mess-house of the regiment. There, to W.'s +intense disgust, they would have recommenced their tom-toms and their +music, with fireworks and songs, but W. ordered them at once out of the +cantonment. 'Confound the rascals!' said W. 'I shouldn't wonder if they +set fire to the lines with their d----d folly.' W.'s indignation amused +his friends amazingly. They exclaimed against his severity in this way: +'You, the hero of the day, the Roastum, ought to sympathize with the +poor devils, and not be so irate with them for doing you honour in their +own way.' 'The deuce take them! I wish they'd keep their honour and +their d----d noise to themselves! If I had allowed them to remain in the +cantonment, I shouldn't have had a wink of sleep all night long, besides +the shame of having my name connected with their absurd proceedings. I +declare I am sorry I told Saul Jaker to give them any money; perhaps +he'll give them more than he ought to-night, and then the great majority +of them will drink too much rack.' 'Well,' said B., 'if they do once in +a way, it's a poor heart that never rejoices.' 'Quite true,' said W.; +'but sometimes the hearts that are not poor rejoice so much that they +are not able to help their friends, however great the need of help may +be.' 'Oh, Godfrey, that's a shame, to cast a fellow's misdeeds up to him +in that way!' 'Why, then, do you take the part of such a noisy set of +rascals as those yonder? Thank God, I can scarcely hear them now, so +I'll go to bed, and wish you all good-night.' + +Many years after, W. arrived at the French Rock, and was staying there +for a day or two as a guest of the mess, being _en route_ to Bangalore. +There was at the same time a young lad, whom I shall call Gascoigne, who +had but lately arrived from England. He had brought a letter of +introduction to W. from some of his friends at home. The young +gentleman, a studious and quiet lad, was, in consequence, putting up +with W., who, as hospitable and kindly disposed as any man in the world, +welcomed the youth cordially, and was, by shikar parties, and every +other means in his power, trying to entertain him. On W.'s account, +everyone in the regiment did the same. Young G. had besides, as a pretty +horseman, and an excellently good shot for so young a man, won the +hearts of most of the young men of the regiment. He came from one of the +Midland counties famous for hunting and sporting, and was therefore +quite at home. + +After dinner one unfortunate evening, when all the men of the regiment +and the two guests mentioned were sitting outside in front of the +mess-house, with their teapoys, their cheroots, and their eternal +brandy-pawny, the conversation turned on the different styles of +horsemanship. The young stranger spoke rather in ridicule of the cavalry +seat and the long stirrups it enjoins, and he wondered how anyone could +possibly ride across country with them. His remarks produced some sharp +replies from B., the cavalry man present. 'Well, G.,' said W. to his +friend, 'although you and I prefer the short stirrup and the usual +cross-country seat, others ride well and strongly with the long stirrup. +Our friend B. here rides with a long stirrup, and few men ride better +than he does.' + +By such kind and judicious observations W. threw oil on the troubled +waters, and for the time stopped any further unpleasant remarks; but he +could not, on the part at least of B., do away with the irritation that +had been caused by young G.'s observations, and the remembrance of them +rankled in this officer's mind. However, W. turned the attention of the +party to other matters, and all seemed smooth. After a time he said, +'Come, let's have an all-round rupee shot at that weathercock on the top +of the school-room; the first man that hits it carries the pool, and +we'll draw lots for the order of firing.' 'Agreed, agreed!' said all +present. 'I'll hold the stakes,' said Colonel D., 'as I don't intend to +compete.' + +Accordingly the firing commenced, and great was the laughing and the +chatter as the whole party one after the other missed the weathercock. +'I should have hit the confounded thing,' said B., 'but just as I fired +the wind swirled it round, so that I lost my chance.' 'Well, never mind, +you haven't lost your stake, and you can try again,' said the Colonel. + +Accordingly a second stake was placed in the Colonel's hands, and the +competitors fired all round a second time. Young G. claimed a hit, but +almost at the instant he fired B. followed, and he said, 'Come, make me +a bow, youngster, for wiping your eye.' 'I would with the greatest +pleasure,' replied G., 'if you had done it; but my shot was a hit before +you fired.' 'I deny it,' said B., 'and I claim the pool.' 'This cannot +be determined by individual opinions,' said W. 'What does the Colonel +say?' 'I really cannot say whose shot the hit was, as at the moment I +had taken a pinch of snuff and was using my handkerchief.' 'This is +unfortunate,' said W.; 'we must take the votes of all present.' + +B. made some grumbling remark that was not audible, but he said nothing +in direct opposition to W.'s proposition. The votes were then taken, and +it appeared that the party were not agreed as to whose the winning shot +was. Some were not watching, and of those who were, three were on B.'s +side, and four on G.'s. There was a great deal of talking, and as the +talking increased the excitement increased. W., who seemed to have a +presentiment of the evil that was coming, exerted himself to the utmost +to prevent mischief, by making proposition after proposition in order to +put an end to the dispute, but without avail. He believed that his young +friend had made the hit, and gave his vote accordingly, which, strictly +speaking, should have decided the question, as it gave G. a majority; +but this W. declined to insist upon. He wished that the two claimants +should divide the pool, but this neither would consent to. Thus all his +efforts to put out the fire were unavailing, and accordingly, as one +word drew on another, it burst out in this way: + +'Do you assert,' said Captain B. to G., 'that the shot which struck the +weathercock was yours?' 'Yes, I do,' said the youngster, 'because I +believe it was mine.' 'Then,' replied B., 'you lie!' Before G. could +speak, W. said to B., 'If you say that the shot was _yours_, it is you +that lie!' Instantly B. got up and rushed at W., who remained calmly +seated. He warded off the blow aimed at his head by B., and said, 'That +will do, B.; I understand you, and I will not disappoint you.' At +gun-fire the next morning these two men stood opposite to each other at +twelve paces. At the first exchange of shots W.'s cap was shot through, +and the buckle of B.'s waist-belt was cut away, but neither party +sustained any personal injury. The second shots were both misses, +neither party being touched. The third exchange of fire were both hits, +but still only coats and buttons suffered. Both men were desirous to +have another exchange of fire, but their seconds refused to allow the +matter to proceed; they added, that unless their principals chose to go +into the jungle by themselves, they would not permit another shot to be +fired. + +The two men still remained on the ground dissatisfied, nor did they +move until Colonel D. made his appearance. He had been made cognizant of +what had been done, and all he said as he rode on to the ground was +this: 'Gentlemen, any attempt to carry this further places both of you +in arrest. Both of you know me; good-morning. Adjutant, you will see my +orders strictly carried out, and tell Captain B. that he has my orders +to proceed on his road within an hour.' + +Young G., who was a plucky young fellow, though, as W. knew, wholly +unacquainted with the use of the pistol, had been almost in a state of +frenzy throughout the business. He swore he would follow B. and have him +out wherever he could find him, till W. got him to calm down, and +Colonel D. explained to him that he must place him in arrest and report +him to the General commanding the division, if he did not give him his +word of honour not to stir further in the matter. At first the young lad +refused to pledge himself as required, but his refusal was as respectful +as it was manly. His words were: 'How can I do that, sir? I have been +called a liar publicly; surely no one who has the honour to bear her +Majesty's commission can put up with that! and besides, the life of a +valued and respected friend has, from his chivalrous generosity, been +placed in danger to shield me, which, though I am deeply grateful for +it, makes me blush, and places me in rather a humiliating position. It's +no use for you, Godfrey, to shake your head and deny it. I know +perfectly well why you anticipated me.' + +He had in the few days he had been with W. learned to regard him as an +elder brother, and, by his own request, to address him as the others +did. W. and the Colonel looked at one another as young Gascoigne spoke, +and when he had finished the Colonel said: 'The words you have spoken +and the sentiments they convey do you credit, Mr. G., but you mistake +if you suppose that either I or your friend Godfrey wish you to put up +tamely with the gross insult that has been offered to you. I will obtain +for you from Captain B. a proper apology, and at the same time I will +take care that it is publicly known that I only obtained your promise to +proceed no further in this matter on this assurance.' 'Well, sir, as you +take so kind an interest in my good name, and will undertake to let it +be known that there was the strongest wish on my part to right myself in +the way that is usual amongst gentlemen, I will give you my word to do +nothing more, especially as I see that Godfrey wishes me to do so.' +'That's a sensible lad,' said the Colonel: and Godfrey added, 'Yes, I do +wish it; and you may rest assured that I should not do so were I not +sure that your good name is perfectly safe in Colonel D.'s hands, who +has acted on this occasion as he always acts.' 'Godfrey! Godfrey!' said +Colonel D., 'I shall have to arrest your body, to arrest your tongue!' +'Well, that is hard,' returned W., laughing. 'This is the second time in +one morning that I have been threatened with arrest by you.' 'All your +own fault,' returned the Colonel, smiling. 'I must do my duty and obey +the orders of the service, though other people choose to set a bad +example and do otherwise.' 'There,' said W., 'you see, G., what military +service is: you are liable to get it on both sides of the face before +you can turn round.' 'Well,' said G., 'if this is getting it on both +sides of the face, I trust that my commandant will be like Colonel D.; +but that's too much good luck to expect.' Colonel D. again laughed, and +said, 'You've got too much talk, young man,' though he was evidently +pleased with the compliment. 'You've been in Ireland, I fancy.' 'No, I +haven't, Colonel,' replied young G.; 'but I should like very much to go +there, for a time at least.' 'I don't think,' said Colonel D., turning +to W., 'that your young friend has any great need to go there to learn +one of the accomplishments said to be in fashion there.' + +So the three adjourned in high good humour with all the world to the +parade ground, where a coursing match was to come off between two famous +dogs. I will spare the reader a description of the beautiful form of +these two canine heroes; it is enough to say that they were marvellously +fine greyhounds, and that they killed in the most approved fashion, in +spite of all the efforts and doubles of the poor hares. I must further +confess that I was much more interested for these harmless creatures +than I was for the dogs, though I dare say their performance was +matchless in its way; so, at least, it was on all hands pronounced to +be. I sank many degrees in the estimation of my regimental friends, I +believe, for expressing unreservedly this opinion. The young lads could +not understand how any man, even a doctor, could feel no interest in the +performance of two such magnificent dogs as Juno and Jupiter. I admitted +the merits and beauties of their canine friends--indeed, no one could +admire them more than I did. Still, I could not enter into their +feelings, nor share in their delight at seeing the hares writhing in +agony in the fangs of Jupiter or Juno. + +'You don't like fishing, you say, and we see you don't like coursing. +What do you like?' 'To hunt the fox, or the jackal, or the wolf, I +should think glorious sport.' 'Then,' said M., 'why don't you go out +with us in the morning? Whenever we can get a chance we go after +jackals. Foxes are rare, and wolves never let us get within rifle +distance.' 'Besides,' said S., 'we can't afford to knock our horses off +their legs, which we should do if we tried to run down those brutes so +as to get within shot.' 'You know,' returned I, 'that in the morning I +am not my own master. I have my hospital to attend, my patients to +visit and prescribe for, to enter all cases in the journal and +casebook, as well as to see that all other hospital books are kept up to +date. Perhaps my superintending surgeon might not be altogether pleased +if he heard (and these things do travel in an extraordinary way) that I +postponed my visit to the hospital till after I had had my run with the +dogs; and perhaps the Colonel might not altogether approve of my setting +at naught the standing orders of the service, and before his face too.' +'You are quite right,' said W., 'you may rest assured that the Colonel +would not approve of any such thing; indeed, he could not.' 'What's +that, W., that the Colonel wouldn't and couldn't do?' said Colonel D., +who, as he came up, had overheard the last part of W.'s remarks. These +were explained to him, and what led to them. His comment was, 'Boys will +be boys. The Doctor has acted perfectly right; he could not ride with us +in the morning, as the standing orders lay it down precisely that he +shall visit his hospital at certain hours, and these would, if we found +anything, be just the hours when we should be at the best of the chase; +and if he wished ever so much to join us I should not allow him to do +so, and W. is quite correct in what he said.' This settled the question, +and took away any distant hope I might indulge that the Colonel might +now and then take no notice of any infraction of the standing orders as +to the time of visiting the hospital. I departed, sorrowing that fate +had destined me to be medical instead of military purely. + +The subject of sport was, with my young friends especially, a +never-ending one, constantly renewed, and still beginning. On my return +from Bangalore, to which place I was called under circumstances so +peculiar that I think the recital will repay perusal, although they +necessitate a digression, and have nothing to do with sport, which is at +present my legitimate theme, the possibility of my joining in the +sporting was again introduced. + +On account of the marriage of her brother's wife's sister, Miss S., my +wife had gone to Bangalore and was to return to the F. Rocks in a few +days. I was, in fact, anxiously looking for a letter to say on what day +I might expect her. Instead of this, I received from her brother a +communication stating that it was his and the Garrison-surgeon's opinion +that if I wanted to see her again alive, I must start with the least +possible delay for Bangalore. With tears in my eyes, and this letter in +my hand, I went at once to Colonel D., who in the kindest way took on +himself the responsibility of giving me permission to go. At the time, +very luckily, there were no sick of any importance--some slight cases of +fever, and some chronic cases there were in hospital which the dresser +could treat. No officers sick, no children--I mean European +children--sick or well, in the cantonment, and no lady, except Mrs. G., +who had but lately been married, and was in perfect health. But the F. +Rocks was a single station, and if any accident occurred, or sudden +sickness broke out, no medical officer was to be had nearer than +Bangalore. For at this time there was no Durbar surgeon at Mysore, +fifteen miles off, and the dwelling-place of the Rajah. These +circumstances being considered, to let me leave the cantonment was +really taking on himself a serious responsibility which the General +himself declined to incur. Bangalore was 87 miles from the F. Rocks, and +the question was how to get there in the shortest time. Here was seen +the brotherly feeling cherished in this regiment. I had no sooner made +known my difficulty than almost every man of those present offered me +his horses. I had two of my own, which I sent on, so that the one was to +halt twenty miles from the station, the second forty; of the borrowed +horses, one was to go with me the first twenty miles. With this help I +started a little before gun-fire, and reached Bangalore about 4 p.m., +and found that there was no need for anxiety; my wife had suffered from +a severe hysterical attack, and was well enough to ride out that very +evening. I was too much delighted at the condition in which I found her +to find fault with a mistake which had in the end given me so much +pleasure. The next morning I waited on the General, and the dialogue +that took place was so peculiar that I shall endeavour to present it to +my readers in its integrity, so far as my memory will allow me. + +'Good-morning, General. I trust you will be kind enough to excuse the +absence of the proper costume, as I had no time to put in any change of +dress, I came off in such a hurry, General.' 'And where have you come +from, sir?' 'From the F. Rocks, General G.' 'From the F. Rocks? Who gave +you leave?' 'Colonel D., my commandant, General.' 'He gave you leave, +did he? He has no power to do so.' 'I am here, General, to explain the +circumstances.' 'Oh, you are here to explain the circumstances,' +observed the General. 'Well, you'll be clever if you can explain how +Colonel D. is authorized to take upon himself my duties. Let me hear, +sir; but are you not the Assistant-Surgeon in medical charge of the +regiment?' (The old gentleman had by this time recalled my features.) +'Yes, General.' 'How, then, did you presume to quit your charge without +any provision having been made for the carrying on of the duties +devolving on you?' 'Have the goodness to read that letter, General G.' +'It seems rather a long one; can't you give me the contents?' +'Certainly, General. It states, on the authority of the Garrison-Surgeon +and Dr. L., that if I want to see my wife alive again I must lose not an +hour in proceeding here. I showed this letter to Colonel D, and he very +kindly allowed me to proceed hither. I rode in yesterday in twelve +hours, but happily there was no occasion for me to have done so, as my +wife is quite well; the attack was hysterical only, though it looked so +serious. And now, having reported myself, and the unusual reasons for my +being here, I beg that you will be kind enough to give me one day's +leave to post back my horses.' 'The best thing I can do for you is not +to know that you are here.' Then turning his chair round, he said, 'I +don't see you; I don't know that you are here.' 'But, General, pray give +me one day's leave, or I shall not be able to post my horses so as to +divide the distances on the road.' 'I don't hear you, nor know that you +are here; if I knew who you were, and that you had left your charge +without any proper leave, it would be my duty to place you under arrest; +but as I don't know who you are, or where you come from, or indeed +anything about you, you see I can't do it.' 'But, General, I----' 'Don't +say anything; I might find out who you are, and might be compelled to +act on that knowledge. Now, I haven't seen you, and know not who you +are, or where you come from, or anything else.' 'Once more let me +entreat of you, General G.----' 'How many times must I repeat that I +neither see, nor hear, nor know, that anyone is here? If I did, it could +only be unpleasant for us both. I not only don't see or hear, but I am +determined not to see or hear, or to know anything about you; so whoever +you may be, return at once to the place from whence you came, and let me +have no communication on the subject, of which, indeed, I am wholly +ignorant and uninformed.' 'Permit me to wish you good-morning, General?' +'No, I can't permit anything to a stranger, and one I know nothing +about. But as a courtesy one might offer to a stranger, I wish you +good-morning.' + +I rode home meditating on the mysteries of red-tape, but without being +able to fathom them. Why should it be more orthodox to pretend to be +ignorant of that which was perfectly well known, than it would be to +admit the knowledge, and to say, 'Well, I am glad to learn that there +is now no reason for anxiety; get back as fast as possible, and I will +take no notice of the irregularity'? The need for enacting a palpable +farce sorely puzzled me, and I went back to my brother-in-law's house to +report the ill-success of my application. Then it was settled that I +should lie _perdu_ for the day, during which time I could post back the +horses, and could start at gun-fire, or a little earlier, on my return +to the F. Rocks. It was hard to leave my young wife, whom I idolized, +after being with her only one day; but I had taken the shilling, and +therefore it was a case of 'no compulsion, only you must.' So, after +many kisses and moist eyes, I started just as the gun fired, and I rode +into the mess compound at the F. Rocks just as the second bugle was +sounding. There was a shout of welcome, and eager inquiries from all +present after the state of my wife's health. Everyone heartily +congratulated me on the letter being merely a false alarm. Then the +dinner came, and I did great honour to it, being not a little hungry +after my return ride, on which I received many compliments; the riding +nearly 180 miles in two days with but one between was regarded as +something of an equestrian achievement, and my pluck was commended +accordingly. + +This led to a renewal of the invitation, on the part of the younger men, +to join them in their cheetah and tiger expeditions, which at first, +being no ball shot, I was not anxious to do. No one likes to exhibit his +want of skill in any exercise or pastime, and therefore I declined. My +young friends, either out of playful malice, or out of an unacknowledged +unwritten belief that medical men, not being combatant officers, are not +equal to them in courage, overwhelmed me with banter and chaff (as the +phrase now is) of all kinds. I cannot remember a tithe of it, but it was +in the main something of this kind: 'Don't say any more, Bob; the Doctor +is a clever fellow; he knows as well how to take care of himself as to +whip off a fellow's leg, don't you, Doctor?' and before I could reply to +this jibe B. said, 'Don't forget, all of you, what an important +personage the Doctor is. If he was chawed up, what should we do? But if +half a dozen of us poor devils came to grief that way it wouldn't much +signify. We are paid for being shot, or for being ready to be disposed +of; we are, in the customary phrase, "only food for powder and shot," +and you see that's not the case with the Doctor.' Turning from one to +the other as they discharged their little shafts, I was silly enough to +get very angry, and my indignation broke out thus: 'Confound you, what +has led you to make this dead set at me? If you fancy that I value my +life one bit more than any one of you, you make a very great mistake, +and you will compel me to give one of you an unpleasant proof of it if +I'm to be subject to more of this kind of conversation.' + +No one said anything, but the Colonel wore a broad grin on his face, and +W. laughed immoderately. I was now in a towering passion. I got up, +saying, 'I haven't often been your guest at mess, gentlemen, and I can't +say I think my welcome on this occasion such as to induce me to intrude +on your hospitality again.' W. started up and caught hold of my arm, +saying, 'Surely you are not so silly as to take offence at a little +harmless chaff? not one of us would intentionally say or do anything to +hurt or annoy you. I really thought there was more manly stability in +you than to fly off in this way.' 'And, pray,' said I, 'what have I said +or done to give cause for your fit of laughter?' 'It was your getting so +angry that amused me, but as you have taken it so much amiss, I am +really sorry for it,' at the same time, with an open frank smile, +offering his hand. Who could resist W.? I heartily shook his hand, and +said, 'W., you make me ashamed of having shown such want of temper, but +these young good-for-nothing scamps here, with their jibes one after +the other, threw me off my balance for the moment.' + +J., one of the three men who had been chief jokers, then said, 'But, +Doctor, you ought to have known that if we had really suspected that +there was anything of the white feather connected with your not joining +us in our expeditions, we shouldn't have thought you worth poking fun +at, and should never have cared whether you went out with us or not.' +'Pray say no more; I am convinced that I was hasty, and in the wrong to +get so angry!' 'Now,' said the Colonel, 'after what the Doctor has +admitted, let's say no more on the subject.' 'One word more, if you +please, Colonel; I wish to prove to all my friends here that they did +not judge me wrongly. The very next time you go after cheetah or tiger, +I will go with you' (a shout of approval). 'Well said, Doctor!' 'I will +lend you a rifle,' said W. 'Or I, or I,' said M. and S. 'And I, if I had +one to lend,' said B., 'but as I haven't, all I can offer is a pith-hat +with a brim as large as an umbrella, and if that doesn't of itself +frighten the tiger, he must be a peculiarly unapprehensive beast; and +I'll venture a trifle that the Doctor does more execution with the hat +than he would with the gun, although he is such a peppery gentleman.' +'The pepper is all out of me now, B., and you may say whatever you like; +and I would accept your redoubtable pith-hat, had I not one of my own. +Besides that, I couldn't think of depriving you of such a powerful +weapon, so if you mount your hat and have your rifle in your hand, you +will be doubly armed, and will no doubt do double execution.' 'By Jove!' +said B., 'the pepper isn't all out of you yet.' 'But you will take my +rifle?' said W.; 'if you bring the double-sights in a line with the +object, you can't miss him.' 'Best thanks, W., but as I am altogether +unpractised, I shall go out without a gun or weapon of any kind, not +even my friend B.'s pith-hat.' 'On my word, Doctor,' said the Colonel, +'that's the wisest resolution you could come to; it will be better for +you to become a little familiar with the rifle before you go after +tigers or cheetahs.' 'Besides,' said B., 'who knows but the Doctor might +take a sly pot at one of us, and wing the unlucky individual for the +sake of a little surgical practice; he's had none since he's been with +us.' 'Well, B., that blow might have been effective if it had not been +somewhat below the belt; at all events, it was not so bad as your shot +at the pariah dog that you missed this morning, and that M. rolled over +immediately after.' There was a general laugh at B.'s expense. 'And, +pray, how did you know that?' said B. 'I only saw it, that's all!' 'Why, +you rode past three or four minutes before we fired; you must have had +eyes behind to see that.' 'Oh, B., if that's the style (stile), I shall +leave you to get over it as you can; the present attempt is rather lame, +and I wish you a steadier hand when you come to make close acquaintance +with the striped or spotted coats, unless you've got M. behind you to +wipe your eye.' Another laugh at poor B. 'Come, B., whip and spur,' said +W.; 'don't let the Doctor walk over the ground.' 'Oh,' replied B., 'no +one can fight against a fellow who has got eyes behind.' + +Poor B.! that was his last speech and dying confession. Amidst the +general laughing and chaffing going on, the Colonel said to B.: + +'Better take more shots with the rifle, and fewer shots out of the +flask, Mr. B., and then you won't miss your mark as it seems you did +this morning.' B. said nothing, but walked off somewhat crestfallen. One +after the other left, till at last only W. and myself were left with the +Colonel. He then said: 'I'm truly sorry for B.; he's a frank, +open-hearted young fellow, but I fear he's going too fast by a great +deal; he was until recently a capital shot. It was just the same with +poor Tom Manners, whom I knew intimately in Bengal. The first indication +we got of his breaking up was his missing his aim; he had been the crack +shot of us all, but sangaree (we used to drink sangaree in those days) +and brandy was too much for him; he died of delirium tremens, a raving +lunatic, after having tried to kill himself and two other persons. Now, +I have stayed behind the others to say that I think it would be well +done of both of you if you would take an opportunity of talking +seriously with this unhappy lad. You, W., have great influence, and you +can speak as a senior and an old friend: and you, Doctor, can speak as a +professional man, and the medical officer of the regiment; choose your +opportunity well, and the young fellow will then see that you mean +kindly. Good-night to you both.' W.: 'Before you go, Colonel, I think it +right to tell you, that I have more than once spoken seriously to B., +but I regret to say hitherto without effect. I will, however, do so +again.' 'And I, Colonel, will certainly do my best; but if W.'s advice +has been of none effect, I fear mine will avail little. Once the +pernicious habit has got hold of a man, it is such a besotting and +besetting vice, that nothing seems able to cure it except placing the +man under restraint for two or more years, and rigidly keeping all +alcoholic stimulants away from him.' 'Well, try your best. Good-night +again.' 'Good-night, Colonel.' + +W. volunteered to walk home with me, the bungalow being but a few +hundred yards off. As we leisurely strolled along, W. said, 'D. is +really the most excellent commandant I ever knew. Without being +over-strict, he knows well how to hold his own, and to enforce +obedience; at the same time, what could be kinder, I might say more +parental, than what he said just now? And what could be better than his +taking on himself to let you leave the cantonment? Not one commandant +in a hundred would have done it!' 'So I found out,' returned I. The +singular scene that passed between myself and the General of Division +was then told to him. He was greatly amused. 'You must let D. have the +story, it is really too good to be lost; it only shows what a life of +routine makes of a man, unless he has a mind powerful enough to raise +him above such influences. I agree entirely in the view D. takes of B.'s +condition; indeed, I have feared it for some time; the misfortune is, +that I don't see what can be done to save him. Would it be possible to +send him home on sick leave?' 'The case is this,' said I, 'the +authorities and the medical board take what I regard as a narrow view of +what is best to be done. They argue that it is encouraging drunkenness +to send a man home on that account, and they would rather keep him in +this country to die, or be dismissed the service, than they would +sanction his being sent home for the effects of alcoholism. The only +alternative is, that the doctor must make up a false case, at the risk +of losing his commission, or the man must hang on till he gets his +furlough. It has, I know, been placed before several boards officially, +that many a man's life might be saved, and the evil habit subdued, if he +were allowed to go home in time, and have the sea voyage, the European +climate, and the home influences; but these representations have +elicited nothing but anger and reproof. Such being the views adopted at +headquarters, nothing is left to the executive officer but to act on +them.' 'I am quite aware,' returned W., 'that what you say is correct. +You have, in fact, scarcely gone far enough, for they add, that it is +more for the advantage of the State to let in fresh blood, in the shape +of fresh men, than to keep on the list men who have broken down from +their own vicious habits by sending them home, and thus prolonging their +lives. Such patched-up men, they say, can never go through fatigues, +and wear and tear, that a sound man could and would go through. And to +say the truth between ourselves, I think they are right. Compassion and +friendship make one feel that the regulations are hard when they are +applied to one of our own friends and intimates; but, looking to the +advantage of the service only, I cannot say that they are ill-judged.' +'To some extent I agree with you, but everything is in degree, and a +margin should be allowed. As you put it, to send a man home merely to +prolong his life, I think, carries with it the condemnation of the whole +system; had he been sent home in time, he would, in all probability, +have been saved from any serious injury, but if the poor creature is to +be kept here till he is at death's door before the medical officer dare +recommend his being sent home, then likely enough it is as you put it, +and he comes out injured in physique and in efficiency.' + +W. would not enter my bungalow, but after good night slowly walked to +his own. As I looked after him, recalling his generosity, and his +unequalled bravery, as well as his superior wisdom, his powers of +foresight and reflection, and contrasted all these high qualities with +his singular and imperturbable calmness and self-possession when +anything dangerous or unpleasant occurred, I could not but feel that he +was a remarkably constituted man, or that he had suffered in his earlier +years some bitter life-killing disappointment that had rendered him +careless of, and indifferent to, every danger and risk. Too lofty a +character to yield outwardly to despair, or to shorten the term of +existence appointed for him, he seemed to dwell in an atmosphere of his +own, that he suffered no one to share with him or even to approach. Some +quiet sarcasm, always good-humoured, and the rare indulgence of the +risible faculty, were the only indications I ever observed in him of +any passing emotion strong enough to ruffle the glassy placidity of his +existence. I could not help whispering to myself, 'a wrecked heart,' so +deeply was I impressed with his gentle, kindly manner, and his utter +recklessness of life, yet I knew nothing whatever of his early history; +it was merely fancy's web woven without my knowledge or consent. +Nevertheless, it impressed me with a feeling of sadness that I could not +for the time banish, and I went to bed to dream of a tiger with an +angel's face gnawing W.'s heart. + +Not many days after my return to the F. Rocks, some of the villagers +near at hand, or one of the Shikaries employed to look for game, brought +in word that there was a cheetah to be had near at hand. As soon as +possible after breakfast all the sporting men present were on horseback, +or, rather, pony-back, to proceed to the spotted gentleman's lair. I +accompanied them as a spectator, attended by beaters and villagers. +Altogether, besides natives, there were fourteen of us. As we approached +the jungle we dismounted, leaving the tatoos to the care of the ghorey +wallahs. The primary rule impressed on all was to endeavour to preserve +a line; but in a jungle where people could see but a very short distance +on any side, this proved to be impracticable, and the consequence was +that after the beast was disturbed by the beaters, and one or other of +the guns caught sight of him, there was firing on all sides, or, rather, +bursts of firing, cross firing, so that every now and then the singing +and hissing of balls, and the cracking of branches, was heard on every +side. During the whole time the firing lasted, I only caught sight of +the cheetah once as he bounded from one thicket to another; but from the +whistling and cracking going on all round, any one of us might have been +shot a dozen times over. + +Before the cheetah was disposed of he had been hit thirteen times, but +in no mortal part; the last ball had, however, struck him in the loins, +which prevented any more of his rapid springs and bounds. The next ball +laid him at M.'s feet. He was a beautiful fellow, though not a large +one; and he had made a gallant defence against a dozen guns. Though he +had hurt no one seriously--his foes were so close and so many and such +practised men, that he had no time to maul or mumble anybody, though it +was evident that his intentions were good--he had knocked over two men, +a Shikary and a beater; but in the first case a ball from S., who was +close beside the Shikary, had sent him off with a broken forearm, and in +the second case a ball from W. had driven him off with a wound in the +side and two broken ribs, by which the ball, which otherwise would have +been fatal, was turned aside. Both his springs were so strong that after +knocking over the men he rolled over himself, once in the first +instance, and twice in the second, before he could pick himself up, +which gave W. the chance of giving a mortal blow; but, as I have said, +the ribs turned the ball--all which particulars were learned when the +beast was skinned, and the course of the balls traced. It was most +extraordinary good-fortune that no one was shot on this occasion; but +the folly and absurdity of the method adopted, as well as the greatly +increased and unnecessary risk incurred by it, were obvious to everyone, +and it was agreed _nem. con._ that no such large parties should ever go +out again. + +Some weeks elapsed before any fresh game and its whereabouts were +discovered; but as soon as this was clearly made out, another shikar +party was decided on. Four guns, and myself as guest or spectator, +composed it. The sportsmen drew lots as to who the four should be, and +the lots fell on W., M., B., and the Colonel. Not to weary the reader +with repetition, it is sufficient to say that the beast, said to be a +tiger, turned out to be a most superb cheetah, so large that he +resembled a tiger in size; but this magnificent fellow was killed with +the second shot. When disturbed by the beaters and by their noise and +tom-toms, he looked at them for a moment, then, as if confident in his +strength, in the most contemptuous way turned on his posteriors and +began to walk slowly away. One of the guns--I think the Colonel +fired--wounded the grand beast, who, with a terrible roar, turned at +once and prepared to spring. Before he could do so, two shots lodged in +his brain, and he fell at once and died almost immediately. Thus this +huge cat made scarcely any fight, while the smaller one rolled over two +men and took fourteen shots to dispose of him. W. and M. had fired at +the same instant, and apparently both shots were mortal. They tossed up +for the 'spolia opima.' M. won. The skin when taken off, stretched and +dried was the finest I ever saw; in beauty it far exceeded W.'s tiger +skin, and in size fell little short of it. + +Had I been placed permanently in medical charge of the regiment, and it +had remained in a sporting country, I should certainly have learned to +use the rifle; but not many weeks after this I was relieved by Dr. B., +the man for whom I had been acting. I did not consider it as a relief, I +must admit. I had become attached to the men of the regiment, and it +took away my chance of becoming a sportsman. + +Previous to the date of my relief, a very singular incident occurred, +while a third party, which, on account of hospital work, I was unable to +join, were out after a cheetah. (I had the details from the men present, +from W. himself, and from Ram Sing, the naigue of his company, who was +in hospital at the time I left the regiment.) It occurred in this way: +the cat had been tracked into a certain thicket, and it was expected +that he would at any moment break forth. W. was about ten paces' +distance from it, as was S. a little to the right of W. Both waited for +some movement or sign on the part of the cheetah, but he made none. At +last S., losing patience, actually stepped into the thicket they had +been watching. He must, indeed, have all but put his foot on the +cheetah, who was crouching down, well gathered together, just about to +make his spring. He took no notice of S., though close to him, but +sprang at W., who was at least seven or eight yards off, whom he rolled +over, at the same time knocking his gun out of his hand. Most luckily +the beast rolled over also, but with the speed of light he recovered +himself, and was about to mumble W.'s shoulder, when he received a +stunning blow from a heavy bamboo club in the hands of Ram Sing, the +naigue already mentioned, who had kept close to his Captain from the +beginning. This saved W. at the instant, and the repetition of the blow +drew the furious animal's attention solely to the naigue. He left W., +and jumping on Ram Sing, knocked him down, tore both his shoulders, one +with either paw, and then before help came detached the scalp from the +poor fellow's forehead. At this instant he received a mortal blow from +S., followed by a second ball from W. (who had recovered himself +sufficiently to use his gun), which pierced his heart. At less than two +paces off the beast lay dead beside Ram Sing, who was at once taken to +the hospital. This brave fellow wanted to walk, and tried to do so, till +it was evident that his strength was unequal to it. As they were bearing +him along, fainting from the shock and loss of blood, he whispered, +'Aggur murgisto Ram Sing, mesaka ney. Captain Saib ne marre.' (If Ram +Sing dies, what matter? the Captain is not hurt.) + +As soon as the poor naigue reached the hospital a dose of brandy, a +little disguised and given as medicine, quickly overcame the syncope, +and Ram Sing opened his eyes, sat up, and when he saw W., who had walked +by the side of his litter to the hospital, standing by his side, his +eyes brightened, and he said, 'Saib ne marre?' W., who spoke Hindustani +fluently, assured him that, thanks to his courage and quickness, he had +received no hurt. Ram Sing was then told to lie down, and to be silent, +while his wounds were attended to. This was by no means an operation +without pain, but not a word nor a sound did the man utter. He had saved +his Captain's life, all the regiment knew it, and he was a man of mark +from that day forth. I verily believe that the pride and pleasure that +he felt in what he had done repaid him a hundredfold for the suffering +he had undergone; and as for the risk, he was too truly brave to think +for a moment about that, and, more than all this, he loved and respected +W. with a devotion that is not easy to describe. W. was always his hero, +his idol; W. could never do wrong in his mind. W.'s remarkable bravery, +imperturbable quietude in danger, together with his kindness and +generosity, had elevated him into the position of a sort of demigod or +superior being, and I truly and sincerely believe that almost every +native man in the gallant --th would have laid down his life for W. +without hesitation. The feeling displayed by these men brought strongly +to my mind that shown by Clive's Sepoys at the siege of Arcot, when rice +was so scarce that he feared he should be starved into surrender, and +when there were 20,000 foes surrounding the place. + +This incident closes what we have to present regarding Captain Whistler, +one of the most noble-minded, brave and generous men that ever adorned +the Indian Service. + + + + +No. III. + +MISS B. AND HER PRESENT. + + +From my brother's memoranda, said the Doctor to the company on board the +_Elephanta_, it would appear that several of the officers of the +far-famed regiment, the 13th Dragoons, possessed merits considerably +above the average. He gives sketches of most of them, portraits of a +few. These I shall not attempt to reproduce, but I will venture to make +some selections. He says: + +'I found Colonel B., the officer commanding the regiment, one of the +most courtly-mannered men I had ever met, and though his figure was by +no means commanding, his easy elegant address was highly captivating, +and his superior intelligence, marked by every look and word, gained +respect at once, while the kind and urbane expression of his features +challenged esteem and regard.' Within five minutes after his card had +been taken in, and his name announced, my brother found himself, though +previously a total stranger, chatting perfectly at his ease with his new +commandant, such was the charm of Colonel B.'s manner. + +Besides being the finished gentleman and accomplished soldier, Colonel +B. was a very successful water-colour painter, as was proved by the +various specimens adorning his study. My brother had not himself been +wholly unsuccessful in this walk of art, having gained some prizes at +the Society of Arts for his attempts; at all events, he knew enough of +the art to appreciate the Colonel's beautiful performances, and he +expressed his feelings freely and warmly, as well as in a way to show +that he knew something of what he was talking about. + +The result of the interview was that the Colonel took rather a fancy to +the young assistant-surgeon who was to do duty with his regiment. On the +part of my brother, the feeling was more than mutual, for the more he +saw of his commandant, the more he liked and admired him. At the time I +speak of, the 13th Dragoons were stationed at Bangalore, one of the most +delightful localities in India, and I have already said that the native +regiment, of which my brother was afterwards in medical charge, was +stationed there also. The consequence of this vicinity was that in due +course Colonel B. brought his wife to see my brother's wife, a visit +which again in due course my brother and his wife returned. The ladies +became friends, and the friendship has only been closed by poor Mrs. +B.'s death. She was, at the time to which I refer, one of the +handsomest, most queen-like women to be seen anywhere. + +But it is rather of her gifted husband than of her that I wish to speak. +Colonel B.'s talents were indeed so great and so various that they +demand a far abler pen than mine to do them justice. Wit the most ready, +sparkling, and unbounded, united with an unequalled address and manner, +made him the most delightful companion that can be imagined. No company +could resist his powers: laughter unrestrained and irresistible followed +him wherever he went. I heartily wish I could recall even a few of the +electric flashes of thought that, 'like orient pearls at random strung,' +gave life and lustre, fire and fancy to his words. I fear, however, that +I should only defeat my object if I ventured to make the attempt, I can +never give the fitting time and place, the circumstance coincident, nor +the look and manner that were so admirable and so appropriate. + +On the occasion to which this extract chiefly refers, Lord Elphinstone, +then Governor of Madras, and his friend Lord Cardigan, who was his +visitor, were the guests of the regiment. Colonel B. was sitting at the +mess-table between them in high spirits, his irresistible stories and +anecdotes creating an atmosphere of merriment around him. My brother was +not near enough to hear half that passed, but his eye took in the +situation, and in spite of the noise, the clapping, and the laughter, +his ear was very attentive and quick. + +The first _morceau ragoutant_ that reached him was Colonel B.'s account +of what had taken place at Colonel C.'s public breakfast some four or +five mornings before. Colonel C. was then the Commissioner for Mysore. +While at breakfast, he received Lord Elphinstone's answer to an +invitation requesting him and his friend, Lord Cardigan, to spend some +time at Bangalore, and during their stay to give him the pleasure of +being their host. The invitation had been accepted, and accordingly +Colonel C. announced that the two noble lords would shortly be at +Bangalore. There was a large party at the breakfast, among whom was +Captain A., who was one of the Commission. As soon as this officer, +whose intrinsic worth was not hidden by French, or, indeed, by any other +kind of polish, heard the announcement, he broke out thus: 'Eh, sirs, +twa lurds--twa lurds! What'll I do, how'll I boo?' a sally which +occasioned no little merriment amongst those who heard it, and still +more at the mess-table after the Colonel's recital, who followed it up +by such a string of jokes and puns and telling repartees, that an old +Bengal civilian, whose name was Potts, and who was the Colonel's +_vis-à-vis_, appeared thoroughly bewildered. He never uttered a word, +but sat looking from one to the other with his mouth wide open, drinking +in, as it seemed, the stream of wit, the like of which he had never +perhaps in his whole life heard before. The old gentleman's behaviour +afforded Colonel B. a good deal of quiet amusement. Unnoticed, he made +his friends aware of what had attracted his attention, and then, as soon +as he saw that they were observing, he remarked to his opposite: 'Mr. +Potts, you're quite chatty,'[2] which, it is needless to say, set the +table off again. + +When the laughter had a little subsided, Colonel B. recommenced by +giving his guests a sketch of a certain Miss B., a young lady between +forty and fifty years of age, who was a well-known character in the +cantonment. He gave them to understand that this young lady still +_hoped_. She could not, indeed, bring herself to believe that she would +always remain Miss B., and, in consequence of this settled conviction, +she not unfrequently afforded amusement to her acquaintances. Remarks to +this effect, whenever she indulged in them, appeared to yield the ladies +considerable enjoyment: 'You know, my dear, when I get married, or when +I have a house of my own,' etc. These unintentional exhibitions of her +hopes and wishes on the part of Miss B. led to a good deal of harmless +quizzing, and to numerous inquiries, such as, 'On whom were her smiles +chiefly bestowed?' 'Who was to be the happy man?' or 'Whether this lucky +individual had been fixed on?' 'When would the ceremony take place?' and +many more such seductive and insidious questions, which led the dear +innocent into sundry admissions and confessions, tending to show that +she had anything but a dislike to the holy state of matrimony, though +she had not yet made her election. 'The state of affairs having thus +been made sufficiently evident, several of the young scamps you see +around you, who, as well as Miss B., are frequent visitors at my house, +took it into their wise heads, for the sake of the fun, to declare +themselves Miss B.'s admirers, partly with the sanction, at all events, +with the tacit permission, of Mrs. B., who could not find it in her +heart to object to anything in the shape of fun and frolic. So it has +come to pass that a frequent amusement there is the violent love-making +on the part of these young lads to this sweet young creature, who, to do +her but justice, distributes her sweetness to A., B., or C. with an +impartiality that really is quite charming. I sometimes fear that the +young fellows are carrying matters too far with their protestations, +their vows of devotion, their hopes of future bliss, their dread that +she prefers another, their appeals to a cornelian heart she wears, which +more than one of these describe as their mutual property, and a great +deal more of like quality, which, with their kneeling and impassioned +acting, is comical enough. Yet one thing to be remarked is, to my mind, +more comical still--the more fervid the performance, the more the lady +is pleased; but the crowning fun is that, under the continuance of the +excitement, the dear old girl gets so dreadfully affectionate, that more +than one of the performers has declared his conviction that ere long she +will throw herself into the arms of one or other of them.' + +'Well, B.,' said both his guests, 'you must give us an opportunity of +being present at one of these scenes; we wouldn't miss the chance on any +account. The fun must be "rich and rare."' 'Make your minds easy,' +replied the Colonel; 'we'll have a rehearsal at which you shall be +present in a few days. Let me see,' added he, 'I'm not sure that we +can't manage it sooner.' 'The sooner the better,' said his friends. +'There is the sham fight,' resumed the Colonel, 'to-morrow, and it will +occupy us from five a.m. to about ten, which is the hour for breakfast +with C. We dine with General V. at seven p.m., but between breakfast and +dinner we shall have several hours free, say from twelve a.m. to six +p.m. Mrs. B. will order us a very light tiffin at two p.m.--some ices +and blancmange, _rien de plus_, and then we can have, as an interlude +before dinner, Miss B. and her lovers. How will that suit you?' 'The +very thing,' said the 'twa lurds.' 'Nothing can be better.' 'That, then, +is arranged,' said Colonel B., who continued: 'Now you would scarcely +credit that anyone could be so full of faith as this ancient young +gentlewoman is; but facts are stubborn things, you know, and therefore +stubborn things are facts--at least, sometimes.' 'Ah, ha!' said his +guests, laughing; 'breaking out of bounds, are you?' 'No, no,' returned +the Colonel, 'only "verbum volans." But these same young men, who are +now making such violent love to Miss B., played the lady rather a scurvy +trick the other day. They continued, however, to make her believe that +they were wholly innocent, and had had no concern in it. They affected +great indignation against the perpetrators of the outrage, as Miss B. +termed it, sympathized deeply with her under the infliction, and vowed +signal vengeance if they could only find out the guilty parties. In a +short time the confiding fair one believed again, forgetting all her +suspicions and her anger, and now she listens with obvious delight to +the vows and protestations of her simulating lovers.' 'She is truly, as +you have mentioned,' said Lord C., 'a guileless, confiding innocent; but +you have not told us what the young deceivers did.' 'The thing arose in +this way,' said Colonel B. 'Some of our young fellows, having heard +that Miss B. expected a parcel from Madras, determined that she should +have one with as little delay as might be. They first sent the parcel to +Madras (to Oakes's, I believe), directing him to take off the wrapper +with his address on it, and then to forward the parcel inside to the +address written thereon. They further managed so that the said parcel +reached Miss B. while she was at my house. Most of the young lads in the +cantonment were there at the time, and a large gathering beside.' + +'"Oh, my parcel, my long-expected parcel, come at last!" exclaimed the +lady. "Oh, won't you open it? Do open it, Miss B.," said numerous +voices. "Let me help you"--from others. "But what is it?" said Mrs. B.; +"is it anything that will break? Be careful; you don't know what it is." +"It's only a silk dress, and some lace trimming." "Well," said one of +the culprits, "whatever it is, they have wrapped it up well; I think +this is the tenth paper I have taken off." "Still more to take off," +said another. "Very extraordinary! What can it be? I'm sure it's not a +silk dress; I feel something much firmer and stiffer than a silk dress." +"I tell you it's only a silk dress," reiterated Miss B. At last the +boldest of the conspirators took off the last envelope of gauze paper, +and exhibited _something_. As he did so he said to poor Miss B., "Surely +this is not a silk dress, is it, Miss B.?" "Oh, heavens!" screamed the +astonished and horrified lady, running off at once into my wife's +bedroom--"Oh, heavens! I shall never recover it. Such an insult!"' 'But +what _did_ the parcel contain after all?' inquired the two magnates. +'Ah! what did it contain?' asked several voices. 'What do you guess?' +returned the Colonel. 'Oh, we can't guess; we give it up. Pray tell +us'--from all sides. 'Well, then, what do you say to a pair of leather +male garments, a pair of buck-skins--only a pair of buck-skins? I can't +describe them by the popular denomination; there would be breaches in +my good manners if I did.' + +While Colonel B. was running on in this way, the company, and especially +the two young lords, were convulsed with laughter. As soon as Lord C. +could speak, he said, with tears in his eyes, 'Oh, B., you'll be the +death of us if you go on in this way. E. declares that his sides are so +sore that it almost makes him cry to laugh any more, and I'm just as +bad. But who suggested this delicate compliment to Miss B.? I must have +a glass of wine with him.' 'And I'll join you,' said his friend. 'Why, +the truth is,' said D., 'there were three of us engaged in the matter, +but which of us first thought of the leathers I can't say.' 'It is +evidently a divided honour,' said the Colonel. 'I and Elphinstone will +drink to you three,' said Lord C., and 'Hurrah for the buck-skins! +hurrah for the buck-skins!' was shouted on every side. + + * * * * * + +'I think it's high time for us to depart,'said Lady Jervois; 'I'm not +sure that we haven't stayed too long already. At any rate, it must be +near eight bells.' 'I agree with you, Lady Jervois,' said Mrs. Smythe; +'but really I did not anticipate that Dr. Ticklemore would be so minute +in his detail. I can't help suspecting that he has been taking rather +unwarrantable liberties with his brother's memoranda, and that his +description of poor Miss B. is little more than a mischievous libel on +that ill-used lady.' 'I'm sure, Dr. Ticklemore,' said Miss Perkins, +'that no correct unmarried lady would go on as you try to make out that +Miss B. did.' 'Really, Miss Perkins and ladies all,' replied the Doctor, +'I do assure you I have taken no liberties with my brother's memoranda, +and not for the world would I dream of taking any with such a lady as +Miss B.' 'Good-night, gentlemen; good-night, Dr. Ticklemore, with thanks +for your narrative, or at least for part of it; but we must put you on +your good behaviour for the future, or we cannot make a part of your +audience.' 'Why, I haven't said anything that's not proper, have I?' +'No, no,' said Captain Ward; 'any exuberance in his descriptions he'll +avoid in future, I'm sure. You pledge yourself, mind that, Ticklemore, +on my guarantee.' 'Oh, certainly!' returned the culprit; 'I'm pledged, +pawned, verbally and corporeally, to avoid all exuberance, though what +kind of crime that is I don't quite know; _but it's all the same_,' +_sotto voce_. 'Well, remember; you are only to be honoured with an +audience on the promise of future good behaviour.' 'Aye, aye, sir,' said +the nautical Esculapius. + + * * * * * + +'Well, now that the ladies are amongst the departed,' said Dr. T., 'I +can finish the sketch my brother has given us of Colonel B.'s sayings +and doings relative to Miss B. and the present of the leathers. Mrs. B., +though she enjoyed the joke as much as any of the conspirators, took +compassion on the wounded sensibilities of the lady, made her pass the +night at the house, and kept her there as a guest for some days; in +short, she did all she could to soothe and console. She would not allow +anyone who called to be admitted, and when, after a day or two of +seclusion, the Colonel met Miss B. in the drawing-room, he spoke to her +just as if nothing had occurred to ruffle her feelings; he was ever kind +and courteous to everyone, and unwilling to give pain. He would not, +therefore, have made any allusion to what had recently occurred, but +Miss B. felt her wrongs were too great to be passed over in silence, and +her sorrows were too weighty to be repressed. With a flood of tears she +referred to the outrage, the indignity, the insult that had been offered +to her; it was cruel, it was unmanly it was cowardly, it was +disgraceful. By-and-by she ran herself out, and began to speak of less +poignant afflictions. It was not enough that she should be disappointed +in receiving the dress she had been so long expecting, but she must, in +addition, be subject to such vile treatment. (Sob after sob.) "Why don't +you say something to soothe her distress, Dick?" said Mrs. B., "you can +comfort so well if you will." "Can I?" said the Colonel. "_C'est bien_, +madame." Then turning to Miss B., he said, "Indeed I sympathize with you +deeply. Such a wicked present as you received would naturally cause much +disappointment. Empty compliments always do cause disappointment; and +then to have to appear before your friends without your dress must have +given you deep mortification, although it is said that 'beauty unadorned +is then adorned the most.'" "Dick, Dick," interposed Mrs. B., "how can +you go on so?" "How could Miss B. go on so, did you say? Well, how she +could is difficult to understand." "Oh, stop, will you," said Mrs. B., +"you're a horrid fellow; you won't even listen to all Miss B.'s troubles +and distresses." "What, anything more," asked the Colonel, "beside the +costume of the Buffs, or the want of costume, that vexed her so much?" +"Hold that mischievous tongue of yours and listen. Miss B. will be +obliged when she leaves our roof to go and live in the Fort, because her +nephew, Mr. H., has been ordered to reside there for the present." "And +if it be so," replied Colonel B., "I don't see any serious hardship or +misfortune in it." "No; but Miss B. regrets that she will be three miles +from her friends; and there within the walls of the Fort she will have +nothing to amuse her, nothing except the goats and kids, sheep and rams, +and lambs, and the bare walls to look at." "Ah, now," said the Colonel, +"I admit she is to be pitied; to have nothing to amuse her, nothing even +to look at, except the naked walls and ramparts, is a sad and melancholy +occupation. I feel for you deeply, Miss B." + +'This meagre sketch of Colonel B. would be more imperfect than it is if +nothing was said of his wonderful power as an actor. This, however, my +brother passes over very slightly, and it is much to be regretted, as in +some characters he was really inimitable, unapproachable. All the +Falstaffs that the stage has ever seen were not so perfect in the +conception and exhibition of the matchless wit of the fat old knight as +Colonel B.'s. Many bigger and lustier men, properly stuffed out, would +no doubt exhibit the figure which Shakespeare has given to the hoary +sinner more adequately, but no one, I believe, ever came up to the +Colonel in the rendering of every sentence and every word spoken by +Falstaff. He made the author's meaning plain and intelligible to almost +everyone; his superlative acting explained what would otherwise have +escaped notice, or have been misunderstood, or not understood at all. To +read the play after having witnessed his portraiture of Falstaff was +like looking at a butterfly's wing with the naked eye, and then viewing +it under the microscope. My brother has some rather amusing remarks on +the Colonel's powers and high qualities as an actor in other characters; +he mentions Tyke, Alapod, Touchstone, and many others, in all of which +Colonel B. was very admirable. But a Bangalore audience, at the time to +which my brother's memoranda refers, was little fitted to appreciate the +higher walks of histrionic art. Farces, Bombastes Furioso, and such kind +of entertainments were better suited to their mental calibre. He +illustrates his meaning by the following anecdote: The Colonel's acting, +though so truly admirable, had never elicited much applause until in one +of his characters (I forget which) he had to bray like a donkey. This +performance elicited uproarious and long-continued applause. The +Colonel's only remark after this was, "He knew now what suited a +Bangalore audience." This closes the sketch I have consulted of this +highly gifted and talented man. Both he and the audience that excited +his contempt have passed away, almost all of them: but all who ever knew +Colonel B. may well say, "When shall we look upon his like again?" Yet +though I am without the sources of information that I have till now +relied on, my memory would rise up in judgment against me if I did not +say a few words in illustration of the undeviating kindness of heart, +active benevolence, and unrivalled ability which so often prompted him +to stand forth as the defender of those whom misfortune, or even +momentary culpability, had brought into grave trouble and danger. I +shall never forget the impression made on me merely by reading his +masterly defence of poor Captain E., who was brought before a +court-martial for being drunk while on main guard. I do not call to mind +all the circumstances of the case, but I remember the prosecutor was +Major S., then commanding H.M.'s 39th Regiment, and a noble regiment it +was. The facts connected with the charge were chiefly as follows: +Captain O. deposed that he visited the guard at the usual hour, and the +prisoner came forward to give his report, but fell down on the ground +before he was near enough to hand it to him; that he called to the +sergeant of the guard, who handed him the report. Captain O. then asked +the sergeant if he had seen what had occurred; the sergeant replied that +he had seen it all. Captain O. then rode to the quarters of the officers +commanding the cantonment, and at once reported the circumstance. +Colonel L. then and there placed the defaulter under arrest, and ordered +Captain G., the next on the roster for that duty, to relieve Captain E. +immediately. These facts were all duly set forth in the various counts +into which the charge was subdivided, and were all proved by _viva voce_ +evidence in court. The prisoner had, by Colonel B.'s advice, reserved +his defence until everything that could be urged against him had been +stated, and, as it seemed, fully substantiated; he then recorded the +plea "Not guilty," adding that he had placed his defence in the hands of +Colonel B., who had kindly offered his assistance. The Court having +granted Colonel B. permission to plead for the prisoner, the Colonel, +having thanked the Court for having conceded to him the position he had +sought, commenced his address something to this effect: As a British +officer, he felt that discipline, the strictest discipline, was the life +of an army, the great distinction between a _mob_ and a _regular force_, +and that it must be enforced on all occasions, and under every possible +condition; that the pain and grief that a generous heart must sometimes +feel in carrying it into execution must never for an instant be allowed +to interfere or suspend, or to mitigate, the penalties or punishments +awarded by military law for military offences. "With these sentiments +firmly fixed in my mind, I should be the last man in the army to come +forward to advocate any cause, or support any plea, that would in the +remotest way tend to undermine or weaken or impair discipline. But, sir, +discipline is not opposed to justice; discipline is the strong arm of +justice; discipline without justice could not long exist, for then it +would be injustice, and injustice would be a breach of discipline. +Discipline and justice, then, must go together; they cannot be +disunited. These principles, sir, are as old as the world, and as fixed +as the foundations of the world; and, sir, in making this appeal to you, +and to every member of this Court of Honour, I feel as sure of the +response as if I saw every generous heart laid bare before me. You will +all, without a doubt, uphold discipline, but you will not forget that to +uphold discipline you must do justice; and to do justice you must take +nothing for granted, you must insist on having proofs, undoubted, +undeniable proofs; no suspicions or suspicious circumstances must be +accepted as proofs. Did you, or could you, accept any such as proofs, +you would not do justice, and consequently would not uphold discipline. +If any one count of the charge cannot be distinctly and unequivocally +proved, that count is doubtful, and the law declares that when there is +a doubt the accused is to have the benefit of it. But why do I speak of +law? Your own feelings will tell you most emphatically that you cannot +condemn when you are in doubt. Now to apply these principles. The +prisoner is charged with being drunk on duty--an unpardonable crime in a +military point of view--and you have had it in evidence on oath that +this unfortunate officer was so incapable that, when advancing to give +in his report, he fell on the ground. This has been stated on oath by +Captain O. and Sergeant Maguire, both witnesses of unimpeachable credit, +and both without any adverse bias or leaning. But, Mr. President and +gentlemen, we must not forget that opinions are not proofs. To prove +that the fall and the incapability resulted from drunkenness we must +have more than opinions. First, we must inquire if any liquor or spirit +was drunk at the guard-room. The prisoner admits that he drank while on +guard the quantity that you see is absent out of this small flask. It +was nearly full when he left home, and the Sergeant found it on the +table in the guard-room, with this quantity in it; this he has sworn to. +Thus it is clear that Captain E. did not, out of this flask, while on +guard, drink more than one glass of brandy, and he was there for six +hours. The Sergeant has further deposed that no liquor except that +brought in the flask by the prisoner was brought into the guard-room by +any other person. How, then, is the drunkenness to be accounted for? One +glass of brandy taken in six hours will not make any man drunk. There is +the fall and the incapability, but one glass of brandy in the time +stated will not account for these. If they cannot be attributed to +drunkenness there must be some other cause. The prisoner will, if +cross-examined, confirm what I have now to state. During the day of that +night when Captain E. was to remain on guard, he had suffered more or +less from neuralgia of the left side of the face; he has, I may now +state, ever since he was in Burmah, suffered at times from this +complaint, and on account of this wearing and painful affection he has +been obliged to take morphine and other narcotics to a great extent. He +also admits that he had at times taken alcoholic stimulants in +considerable quantity, and that shortly before going on guard he had +done so. While on guard he further admits that he took several doses of +morphine. To the combined effects of these remedies he attributed the +fall and the incapability; he was overcome by the action of stimulants +and narcotics, but surely this is not drunkenness? Dr. MacD. is also +prepared to state on oath that he is fully aware of the fact that +Captain E. has for a long time past suffered from neuralgia, more or +less severe, and that he has on many occasions prescribed for him on +account of it. These circumstances, I submit, relieve the case of its +worst features, and I confidently appeal to the gallant officer who has +felt it to be his duty to bring the charge into Court, whether he does +not now feel that the case wears a new aspect? Major S. generously and +frankly admits that he is not now so certain of the prisoner's guilt as +he was when he first took up the case. Nothing less was to be expected +from his well-known character, zealous as he is that the reputation of +his far-famed regiment, _primus in Indus_, should remain unsullied and +unspotted. Earnest as he is to preserve its honour and its discipline, +he is yet too magnanimous, too just, too truthful, to press his charge +unduly. He has admitted that he is not now so certain as he was. What do +those noble words amount to? Do they not admit a doubt--a doubt +entertained by a frank and lofty mind not shut against conviction? He +says his opinion is not to decide. No, we know full well for what +purpose this Court is now sitting; we know that a wife and family are +now enduring the agony of suspense; we know that degradation and +disgrace, nay, future poverty and misery, depend on your decision; we +know that though you, too, are zealous and eager to uphold discipline, +you are not forgetful of justice; we know that, not less magnanimous and +truthful than Major S., you will, like him, not refuse to admit a doubt, +where doubt really is; we know to whom we trust, and if trust cannot be +reposed in such an assembly of British officers, it is nowhere to be +found in the world! May I say one word more? May that Great and Just +Being before whom we must all one day appear, direct and guide you so +that your rest may be sweet and unbroken, and never be disturbed by the +thought that you refused to a poor suffering brother that justice +tempered with mercy which we all shall one day need, and all look to +obtain, through merits not our own." + +A hum and buzz of applause ran through the Court; then the President and +members retired, and there was an interval of silence and suspense. +Whispers were the only mode of communication employed. After nearly +twenty minutes had elapsed, a member of the Court opened the door and +directed Captain E. to attend him, that the sentence of the Court might +be communicated by the President. It is not necessary to trace all the +steps or forms adopted by military tribunals; all that is needful to +record is that after a severe admonition, and the loss of some steps in +rank, Captain E.'s sword was restored to him. Everyone in Court +congratulated him warmly on his escape. The poor man seemed stunned; he +could only say, 'Thank you, thank you.' + +Colonel B., who was overwhelmed by compliments and praises, as soon as +he could disengage himself from the General and Major S., came up to +Captain E., and hurrying him into his carriage, drove him away amidst +the cheers of the assembly. But words are wanting to describe the +meeting of the wife and the husband. The lady wished to throw herself at +Colonel B.'s feet, but he would not suffer it. He placed her in her +husband's arms, and then left them with their mingled benedictions +making sweet music in his ears, and gratitude too great for utterance +streaming from their eyes. Colonel B. directed his coachman to go slowly +round the racecourse before he drove home. Is there a living man who +does not envy him the luxury of that solitary drive? And what are the +compliments and praises of the world compared to the approval of that +still small voice that God has placed within our breasts? + +Let us leave the excellent man of whom we have been speaking to the +sweet converse with that silent voice. That the rewards he thus +experienced were inexpressibly dear to him is proved by his practice +through life. He stood forth on every possible occasion as the champion +of distress, making his unrivalled talents the servants of his humanity, +and the ministers of relief and safety to many who, like Captain E., had +none but him to help them. + +Who, then, knowing these things, can doubt that the soldier with his +motto, "En avant," has found the path to realms beyond the sky, to +fields of glory unprofaned by blood and death, but yet where few shall +go before him? + +FOOTNOTE: + +[2] To those who have not been in India it is necessary to explain that +the word 'chatty' means in the Tamul language an earthen vessel or pot, +which, combined with the fact of the old gentleman's taciturnity, being +thus a silent receptacle of the flow of wit, made the remark doubly +telling. + + + + +No. IV. + +THE DELIGHTS OF INDIAN MUSIC. + + +The ladies, who were present the following evening when Dr. T. had +narrated Colonel B.'s exertions on behalf of Captain E., were loud in +his praise, and in their acknowledgments of the gratification they had +experienced. Lady Jervois said, 'We can now thank you, Dr. Ticklemore, +without any reservation, for assuredly you have afforded us a glimpse of +a very fine character; but, like a beautiful dissolving view, you have +not allowed us to dwell long enough on the picture.' 'Most true, Lady +Jervois,' remarked Mrs. Smythe, 'we have not often the opportunity of +contemplating such various gifts, such high intelligence, and such +nobleness of heart united in one individual. I am grieved that you have +not more to tell us of so charming a man.' 'Bella and I,' said Miss +Perkins, 'are both of us quite in love with Colonel B.; he must have +been truly a delightful man.' 'Well, ladies, I am glad that my sketch of +Colonel B. has not been unacceptable. I have a few words to say of +Colonel MacC., who was a dashing soldier and a fine-looking man. These +anecdotes, for they are nothing more, will just fill up the short time +before we separate for the evening, and conclude the extracts I have +made from my brother's memoranda, having reference to that glorious old +Peninsular regiment, the 13th Dragoons. Colonel MacC. was at the time +referred to second in command, but he had originally stood before +Colonel B., being his senior in military rank, and his name was first on +the list for purchase, and both officers had lodged the sum required. +Unfortunately for Colonel MacC., his father, on account of some +temporary pressure, withdrew the purchase-money; and, still more +unfortunately for him, during the term of withdrawal, which was to have +been but a few months, the colonelcy fell vacant, and, as a matter of +course, the officer whose money was ready was gazetted as +colonel-in-command. This occurrence was unfortunate, not only for +Colonel MacC., but for all parties concerned, and for the regiment, as +in spite of every effort on the part of Colonel B., it caused something +like a split, a division into two parties, and it produced a soreness +and estrangement between the two senior officers. Military usage, and +the polished manners of the higher classes, could neither support nor +altogether conceal this feeling, which occasionally peeped out--at +least, on the part of Colonel MacC., never on the part of Colonel B. It +is true that he was the winner, and the old saying, "Those may laugh who +win," was made good--not literally, certainly, for Colonel B. was far +too polished to do anything of the kind, or to show anything in the +shape of exultation; still the former cordiality was gone, and a studied +politeness obtained in its place. + +'Between these two gallant soldiers, there were other points of +difference, which, while they were fast friends, were never referred to; +but now that these mutual feelings were altered, these springs of strife +did sometimes make themselves evident. A short explanation of what these +were appears to be called for. Colonel B. was what the world terms a +_novus homo_. It is true that his father was a talented professional +man; it is true that his sister, by the attraction of her wit, grace, +and beauty, coupled with a spotless name, had married an earl; and it +is true that he himself was a colonel of Dragoons; but all this, which +only proved that he and his belongings were far above their neighbours +in much that was most admirable and estimable, went for nothing against +the one overpowering fact that Colonel MacC. was a man of family. He +could trace back his family name I don't know how far, his clan was +mentioned in very old records, and he himself claimed an unbroken +descent (though this, it seems, other gentlemen of the same name +disputed) from one Roderick MacC., termed the "Red-handed," from the +fact that his hands were never long free from this peculiar colour. This +very noble gentleman was at feud with several other clans, and his +exploits in the way of storming their strongholds, extirpating the +former possessors, or burning them altogether in their dwellings after +the storm, were greatly celebrated and admired by all his friends and +dependents; while by his neighbours of some other name he was as greatly +feared and dreaded. The achievements of this most interesting character +were lightened and alleviated by lifting cattle, or sweeping a +particular district of everything movable. + +'These frequent successful raids, varied only by the occasional +abduction or violation of some unhappy female, put the finishing touch, +the crowning halo, to the fame and glory of this superlative hero. That +MacC., being a polished gentleman, not destitute of humanity, frank, and +to the last point tenacious of his word, brave and generous, should +consider his descent from the red-handed robber and murderer as a high +distinction and a high honour may seem strange, but so it was. + +'It is in all cases useless to argue against facts, and there are but +few facts more distinct or positive than the pride with which the large +majority of those whose birth enables them to do so deduce their descent +from some iron-handed robber or murderer, provided he lived a long time +ago. Time, it would appear, converts crime into virtue. If any warrior, +knight, or lord committed, or attempted to commit, in these days, the +crimes that his ancestors committed with impunity, he would be hanged or +shot, and would, besides, incur the detestation of society. + +'Colonel MacC. was proud of his name and his long line of ancestry, even +though it included the red-handed gentleman, and many other smaller +lights who did their best to emulate that worthy's achievements. +Sometimes, when Colonel MacC. stayed longer at the mess-table than was +his wont, he used to remark that the service had greatly deteriorated +since he had entered it, and when the natural inquiry, "How so, +Colonel?" or, "In what respect?" had been elicited, "the hidden anguish +of his soul" would peep forth something in this wise: "Why, you see +nowadays they put any man in command of a regiment. They only ask if he +can purchase; if he can, the thing is settled, he gets the step. It +signifies nothing whether his father was butcher or baker, tinker or +tailor; if he can pay, he gets the step, even though it may be the +command of the regiment; but in my young days a man's name did stand for +something. They would not in those days have put Jack, Tom, or Harry in +such a position, particularly when they had a man whose family was +known, and who was in other respects qualified to take the command." + +'Poor Colonel MacC.! he could not forget or forgive his supercession, +but nevertheless he had many good qualities, and was a man to be liked +and respected. He could also be generous even to a very contemptible +character, as the following instance proves: + +'Colonel MacC. was a thorough sportsman, an excellent man for +cross-country, whether it was after a fox at home, or after a jackal in +India; a capital shot, whether for tiger or elephant, or for partridge, +pheasant, or snipe, and a man who, after his father's death, kept up a +noble stud of horses. At Madras, at Hyderabad, at Bangalore, wherever +there was a race, Colonel MacC.'s horses were entered. From inherited +property, from being a bachelor, and from his position in the regiment, +by which he received more pay than he spent, he became the richest man +in it; he was, in consequence, enabled to indulge his desire to back his +own horses, or to bet on others as he pleased, and this he did pretty +heavily. At one of the Bangalore races, I cannot call to mind the year, +Colonel MacC. had a bet of 3,000 rupees with a Mr. ----, an officer of +one of the native regiments there stationed. The race came off, and the +Colonel's horse won. Mr. ---- immediately gave the Colonel a cheque on +Messrs. Arbuthnot and Co. for the amount, and the matter was apparently +settled; but a few days after the Colonel received a letter from Messrs. +A., stating that they had in their possession no funds belonging to Mr. +----. This personage, when called on to explain his conduct, pleaded +that he thought the agents at Madras did that sort of thing. He wrote a +very extraordinary letter, covering four sides of paper, and concluding +thus: "That if they did not forgive him, to-morrow's sun should smile +upon his grave." Colonel MacC. laughed immoderately, and when the other +members of the racing committee, or most of them, said, "MacC., you must +bring this gentleman forward," the Colonel replied: "Not I; he's too +paltry a creature for me to touch. Besides, he has afforded me a hearty +laugh, which one does not enjoy every day. He will not show his handsome +face amongst us again, that you may rely on; and if he takes my advice, +he will get himself moved out of Bangalore as soon as practicable." And +thus the matter ended; the Colonel lost his money, Mr. ---- his +character. + +'About this time, or shortly after, it became known that a Highland +regiment was to pass through Bangalore _en route_ to Hyderabad--I should +say Secunderabad, as the cantonment is called--situated about three +miles from the native city, Hyderabad. The natives, who had heard +highly-laudatory accounts of the Highlanders, were greatly excited. The +noble qualities of these soldiers on the field of battle were magnified +in their minds, and the dress they wore was described as grand and +beautiful, surpassing everything they had yet seen of the Europeans. +Many thousands of natives went out several miles to meet the regiment on +the morning it was expected to reach Bangalore, and their enthusiasm +knew no bounds when they beheld the stature of the men, their kilts, +their plaids, and plumes. At last, as the regiment approached the +cantonment, the pipers struck up, and this so enchanted the natives that +they were absolutely beside themselves with delight. The regiment was +halted as soon as it was known that the General and staff, with all the +_élite_ of the station and a great number of fair equestrians, were +coming out to greet them. Every company dressed up, leaving between them +the exact distances prescribed. Every man brushed the dust off his +brogues or sandals; in short, everything was done that could be done to +impress beholders. + +'As the General and his party came in sight the pipes struck up again, +and the regiment resumed its march. The General and staff drew up by the +side of the road, and the regiment marched by, saluting; after which, +accompanied by the whole cortège--General, staff, officers, ladies, and +natives--the corps marched on to the racecourse, where their tents had +been pitched. "Really," said a young Scotchman, who had lately joined +the 13th Dragoons, "if I wasn't a mounted man, I'd like to belong to a +Highland regiment." "Well," said another, not quite so deeply smitten +with the appearance of the kilts, "I dare say any one of their young +ones will exchange with you if you only make the offer." "Aye, McDougal; +that will just suit you," said Vivian, "as you are such a devoted +admirer of Signori Rossini, Verdi and Co." "I don't quite make you out," +replied McDougal. "Why, don't you see," said Vivian, "you'll always have +such glorious music; the natives are so mad about the pipes that they +one and all declare they never thought, before they heard them, 'that +the English knew anything about music.'" The young Scot, who was an +accomplished performer on the violin, and perfectly fanatic in his +admiration of Italian music, did not at first seem to relish the joke; +but at last he joined in the laugh, protesting, however, that there was +a time and place for everything, and that though the exquisite strains +of "Lucia di Lammermoor" were fitter for the drawing-room or the opera, +he would prefer the music of the pipes on the field of battle. "Well +spoken, McDougal," said Colonel MacC.; "you could not have made a better +distinction." + +'Comparisons of the music of the pipes with that of the natives +furnished abundance of fun and amusement during the evening, reference +being constantly made to the ignorance of the English as to music, +which, in the estimation of Hindoo critics, was profound, and was only +relieved from being complete by the unexpected sounds they had heard +that morning. At last the subject was allowed to drop, being reserved +for other like fitting occasions, while it was recognised, _nemine +contradicente_, to be "an argument for a week, laughter for a month, and +a good jest for ever." + +'The provoking malice and wicked fun towards Scotchmen, of comparing the +pipes with the music of the natives of India, cannot be apparent to +those who have never been in that country. Therefore the following +attempt to convey a faint idea of the peculiar attractions of Hindoo +music has been inscribed--first with the view of enlightening minds (or +ears) uninstructed by experience; secondly with the view of giving point +to the preceding remarks. The instruments on which native performers +display their powers and skill are gongs and tom-toms, horns of +different kinds, and sometimes a kind of hurdy-gurdy. I do not call to +mind any others. By means of the gongs and tom-toms they mark time, and +this is really the only approach (European ears being judges) to what we +understand by the word "music"; but even this is so outraged by the +stunning crashing noise made by these detestable contrivances, that the +effect which would otherwise be produced by the regular recurrence of +sounds at stated intervals is lost; while the horns and the trumpets, if +such a name is allowable, and the squeaking, shrieking, wailing, +grunting sounds produced by the instruments referred to, make up a _tout +ensemble_ that must be heard to be imagined. Every performer plays his +own tune, or rather produces a series of sounds one only more diabolical +than another--if such assaults on the sense of hearing can be called a +tune--on his own instrument, and every man performs in his own key. The +result is the most hideous and frightful discord that can be produced. +If the gongs and tom-toms are in the ascendant, the noise is deafening. +If the small pipes and horns predominate, the conversation of cats in +the gutter, or the howling of jackals, roving about at night, or the +screaming of women and children, or all three mingled together, are +simulated. A child, once very dear to me, described the effect produced +on his ears by the performance of a number of native musicians in these +words: "Oh, there's the crying band again!" + +'Not long after the Highlanders had passed through Bangalore, a young +Scot, not a Highlander, was ordered to do duty with the 13th Dragoons, +during the leave of absence granted to Dr. Clark, the regimental +assistant-surgeon; two months later on his term of absence was drawing +to a close, and consequently Dr. T., the temporary substitute, would, on +its termination, be sent to do duty with an infantry corps, and lose the +climate of Bangalore and one hundred rupees a month. All of these +unpleasant consequences the said Dr. T. was naturally anxious to avert, +or, at the worst, to postpone. He had, with this in view, some time back +written to his friends at Madras to look about them and get him a strong +letter to Colonel MacC.; they accordingly did so, and procured a _strong +letter_ from some Highland gentleman who either knew or boasted a +fifty-ninth cousinship with Colonel MacC. The strong letter was +presented the morning after its receipt with the required number of +bows, and with the reverence supposed to be needful. All which I grieve +to say were utterly thrown away on Colonel MacC.; he took the letter, +and looked at the bowing youth who brought it, booted and spurred and +buttoned up to the throat, with a scarcely concealed smile, pointed to a +chair, and read his friend's communication. When he had concluded it, he +refolded it, put it carefully on the table, and then, turning to Dr. T., +said, "I fear Anstruther has put himself and you to trouble for nothing. +In the first place, I never ask favours of anyone; and secondly, if I +did, and you were my own son, I could not ask anything in the quarter +you point at." Poor David T. was not a little taken aback at this +rebuff, as the longitude of his countenance plainly announced; he got +up, hoped he had not intruded, and begged to be excused if he had done +so, made another of his best bows, and was about to beat a retreat, when +Colonel MacC., whose somewhat sarcastic expression of countenance did +not reach beyond the surface, said, "Sit down, Mr. T., I've something to +say to ye. I can't serve you in the way that Anstruther asks, but maybe +I can put you in the way of serving yourself." T.'s ears became doubly +attentive. Colonel MacC. continued, "You have, of course, called on +Colonel B.?" "Yes, Colonel, but he was out." "Oh, you found him out! +Well, you took a shorter time to do it than I did; but never mind that: +did you leave a card for the lady?" "No, Colonel, I did not." "And pray, +sir, why did you not? Don't you know it's your duty to pay your respects +to your commanding officer!" "But so I did, Colonel." "But I tell ye, so +you did not! There, now be off, and try to make out the riddle, which I +can plainly see you don't yet comprehend. Try and translate it into +practice. You'll find the advice good if you know how to use it." + +'A great deal more was said, which I do not feel called upon to repeat. +Poor David T. departed in a charming state of conglomeration, and he +confessed to my brother, to whom, under the seal of profound secrecy, he +reported the whole conversation, that when he left the Colonel's house +he scarcely knew whether he was standing on his head or his heels. My +brother, after indulging in a hearty laugh, asked him if he had yet paid +one visit recommended to him. "No," said David, "I'll take care how I do +that!" "But, then," returned my brother, "you won't be able to see +Colonel MacC. again." "No," replied David, "I'll take care how I do +that, too!" + +'David T. was in many respects a very good fellow, but he took +everything literally, and actually had, I believe, a sort of horror at a +joke, particularly if he did not understand it, which was commonly the +case. He was not a fire-eating Irishman, or he would have rivalled Sir +Brallaghan O'Callaghan in the play, who says, "And if you shall say +anything that I will not understand," etc. David, however, did not +resort to the _ultima ratio_ when he did not understand; he waited to +have the joke explained. He had, perhaps, never heard that wit explained +is no longer wit; but, whether he had or not, neither the wit nor the +explanation ever seemed to disorder his equanimity. The only witty story +I ever heard him tell, was one of Professor B., who was one of David's +masters when attending the classes at Edinburgh. This gentleman was in +the habit of enlivening his lectures by asking questions of his pupils. +He had, on the occasion under reference, been using some mechanical +illustrations to show that if the spring of a machine be wound up too +tight, the whole apparatus will go too fast, unless a counterbalancing +force be brought into play. Thus if the weights are not sufficient, the +clock goes too fast; and on the other hand, if the weights are too +great, the clock stops, or goes too slow. In the more perfect +arrangements, a pendulum supersedes the weights, and can be lengthened +or shortened to produce like effects. "Similar laws," said the +Professor, "obtain in morals and in physics. If a youth is going too +fast you put him under restrictions--in other words, you put more weight +on him, and _vice versâ_. Now," turning round to one of the students, he +said, "if you found a youth who was under your charge, a younger +brother, for instance, not going quick enough, in fact--going decidedly +too slow, what would you do?" "I wad shorten his pend'lum, sir," replied +the unlucky wight. Here roars of laughter put an end to the sentence and +the lecture; as this little anecdote puts an end to our further +knowledge of David, who was a steady and solid practitioner of medicine, +painstaking and zealous in his duty, a good husband, a good father, and +a good Presbyterian. He died of cholera, poor fellow! at Trichinopoly, +lamented by all who knew him, except the snipes, who certainly must have +rejoiced when they heard of his death, since when alive he was never +known to miss one of them. + +'Most men who possess adventitious advantages, such as rank, wealth, +position, and power, indulge in certain peculiarities of manner, speech, +or habit; and the reason is not far to seek. They are so independent +that they consult only their own fancies. Colonel MacC. was no exception +to the rule just noticed; he had some peculiarities of manner as well as +speech, and, of course, these were well known to the men of the +regiment. Peculiarities of manner no doubt they caricatured amongst +themselves, but could not show that they did so. With peculiarities of +speech it was different, and the men hit on a method of amusing +themselves with them that was certainly ingenious. + +'Colonel MacC., it has been already said, was a capital horseman, and +when out with the regiment always liked to see every manoeuvre +executed in the most rapid manner. Whenever the men were not quick +enough to satisfy his judgment, he used to indulge in this form of +reprehension: "Move, you beggars, move!" By degrees it became familiar +to the men, and then they commented on it by purchasing a parrot, which, +being a young and teachable bird, was not long in learning and mastering +his lesson, "Move, you beggars, move!" The bird soon became proud of his +proficiency, and wanted little or no coaxing to make him display it. At +any time it was sufficient to say: "Good-morning, pretty Polly! what +does the Colonel say?" to bring out, "Move, you beggars, move!" to the +great delight of the men, women, and children of the regiment; but every +amusement or enjoyment has its drawbacks. On one particular occasion, +when Colonel B. was on leave and Colonel MacC. in command, an inspection +of barracks, hospital, etc., was ordered. Accordingly Colonel MacC., +with all the officers present with the regiment, repaired to the +barracks. While engaged in this duty everyone's ears were startled by +the ill-timed sounds, "Move, you beggars, move!" No one took any notice, +but glances were exchanged all round. By-and-by "Move, you beggars, +move!" was repeated more emphatically than before; this was too much for +the Colonel, who called out, "Who is that? who has the audacity to +interrupt the duty in this manner?" No one answered. "Sergeant-major," +called out the Colonel, "who is that? I insist upon knowing! Tell me at +once who it is that is guilty of this insolence? Whoever it is, put him +under arrest immediately! What are you standing there for, like a fool? +Did you not hear me say put the fellow under arrest?" "Yes, sir," said +the Sergeant, "but I don't think it's any of the men." "Don't think it's +any of the men; what do you mean? Is it one of the women or children +that dares to act in this way?" "No, sir, it's none of the women or +children." "Who is it, then? Take care, Hopkins, solitary confinement +and reduction to the ranks will be unpleasant things for you to face +after so many years' service; but it seems to me that you are going the +right way to get them. Once more I say, who is it?" "I think it's the +parrot, sir." "The parrot! What parrot? Whose parrot? Why don't you +answer? Who owns the parrot?" "I think, sir, the bird belongs to the +regiment." By this time Colonel MacC. had recovered his good-humour. "So +it belongs to the regiment, does it? Well, take it away, and don't let +it interrupt us again." Colonel MacC.'s good-humour on this occasion +endeared him to the men so much that there was nothing they would not do +to please him; and though they kept the bird, they took the greatest +care to keep him away or silent whenever the Colonel visited the +barracks.' + + + + +No. V. + +THE PASSAGE-OF-ARMS BETWEEN COLONEL L. AND MRS. G. + + +During the year which passed before the Koorg War, and while Colonel L. +was in command of the cantonment of Bangalore, a somewhat singular +passage-of-arms took place between him and an old lady, Mrs. G., who was +the widow of General G., who had, some six months before, died at +Nagpore. This lady, having in earlier days dwelt at Bangalore, lost no +time in quitting the dry, burning heat of the former locality for the +delightful climate of the latter station. She had, through friends, +secured a commodious bungalow, situated not far from the house +afterwards occupied by the Commissioner for Mysore, and she had +furnished her little house very nicely, and, in a word, made herself +very comfortable. Having no family with her, her two sons being grown-up +and both bearing commissions in the Company's Service, her means were +ample for all her requirements, including her palankeen, carriage, and +horses. Besides her pension she had her husband's savings, amounting to +8,000 Rs. or more. + +She had inhabited the bungalow in question about three months, when she +was surprised by a visit from the cantonment Staff-Officer, who came to +announce to her that, by the new arrangement decided on by the General +and officers commanding the cantonment, she would be obliged, on or +before the 15th of the next month, to vacate her bungalow, as it, with +several others, had been appropriated to the new staff-lines, and that +he had come by order of the officer commanding the cantonment to give +her due notice. + +Mrs. G. replied that she was indebted to the officer commanding the +cantonment for his politeness, but was sorry that Captain W. (the +cantonment Staff-Officer) should have been put to trouble on her +account. In a word, the politeness on both sides was perfect; everything +was so sweet and agreeable that milk and honey could not exceed it. + +The Staff-Officer--who was to the backbone of the unmitigated Pomposo +breed, and who was generally known in the cantonment by the sobriquet of +'Immortal Jack,' being quite a young man at forty, dressing as such, +although, to hide his premature baldness, he was obliged to wear a +wig--retired quite delighted with his visit. He had sported his new +staff uniform before the cantonment, and he had, as he thought, settled +everything with Mrs. G., and so he reported to Colonel L. + +Shortly after his departure, the lady sent for the houseman, who came at +her call, making numerous profound salaams as he entered the house. + +'Well, Veneaty,' said the lady, 'are you still desirous of selling your +house? You told me when I first came here and took the remainder of +Captain Turner's lease, if I recollect rightly, that you were willing to +sell for 4,000 Rs. Is not that so?' + +Now, Veneata-sawny, who was as cunning as a fox, having heard something +of the projected staff-lines, answered with all the apparent simplicity +of a child and all the practised skill of a lawyer: 'Missis please I +sell. Missis like to buy, I like very much to sell.' + +'Very good, Veneaty. You know my lease has only four years to run, and +as I wish to make the house my own, I will speak to Mr. Cardoza, my +lawyer, to draw up the necessary papers, and you can bring a vakeel, on +your part, to see that all is right and just; and as soon as the papers +are signed I will pay the money.' + +'Missis very good lady. I do as missis tell. To-morrow I come--I and +vakeel. Missis say what time.' + +'Oh, you may come about ten o'clock; my breakfast will be finished +before nine.' So Veneaty departed, after the usual salaams. Mrs. G. at +once wrote to Mr. Cardoza, and on the morrow, a little before ten a.m., +he repaired to his client's bungalow, and there found Veneata-sawny with +his vakeel. A conversation something to this effect then took place. + +The first question put to Veneaty by Mr. C. was: 'Have you obtained the +General's permission to sell your bungalow, which is situate within the +lines of the cantonment?' + +'I had permission when I gave lease to Captain Turner five years before. +Missis now got that lease.' + +'That will not stand good now, I fear, as they are going to make new +rules for the cantonment,' observed Mr. C. + +'But, sar,' said the vakeel, 'Missis like to buy. Missis can sell again +to Government.' + +Now, this honest gentleman had ascertained that the utmost that could be +got from the cantonment authorities, if they purchased, would be 2,000 +Rs. He and his wily friend Veneaty were therefore strongly disposed to +sell. Mrs. G. escaped the snare Veneaty had set for her through the +caution of Mr. C, who ascertained the facts of the case at Captain W.'s +office. + +But though Mrs. G. did not buy, she held the lease of the house, and +continued to inhabit it and to pay the rent as usual. On the 2nd or 3rd +of the ensuing month, Veneaty again presented himself at Mrs. G.'s door +with the usual salaams. + +'Good-morning, Veneaty,' said Mrs. G.; 'come for your rent, I suppose.' + +'Missis please to give, I take.' + +'Here it is; count it,' said the lady, 'and see that it is right.' + +'What for I count? Missis never make mistake.' + +'But you must count to satisfy me.' + +Veneaty had done this with his eye the moment he saw the rupees on the +table, but he said: 'Missis give order, I count.' And count he did, as +slowly and deliberately as a child. + +'Well,' said the lady, 'is it right?' + +'All right,' said Veneaty. 'Missis please take receipt.' Mrs. G. did so, +and locked it up in her desk. + +She then expected that the houseman would take his departure, but he +continued standing at the table without offering to go. Then the lady +said: 'What is it now, Veneaty? I see you have something more to say. +What is it?' + +'I no like to tell Missis; I too much fraiding.' + +'But what are you afraid of?' said Mrs. G. + +'Missis too much angry if I tell,' returned Veneaty. + +'And if I am angry,' said Mrs. G. 'for I suspect what it is you wish to +say, I shall not be angry with you.' + +'Then I tell; but I too much sorry, not my fault.' + +'What you want to say is,' said Mrs. G., 'that you want me to leave the +house; is it not?' + +'Missis never tell that word. I no want, but Mister Captain he too much +want, therefore I tell; he tell too much; punish me you no leave the +bungalow. What I do, I too much sorry.' + +'Do not be afraid, Veneaty; he cannot punish you.' + +'Missis how can tell. He tell Burra General Saib give order, and +cantonment General Saib give order what I do.' + +'You tell the Staff-Officer that you have asked me to leave the house; +that will set you right.' + +'But Mister Captain too much bobbery man; every man too much fraiding +him.' + +'Never mind what people say; you tell Captain W. that you have requested +me to go out, and that I won't go.' + +'No, Missis, I never tell that word. Mister Captain too much angry.' + +'Very well,' said the lady, 'I will tell him myself; and I will also +tell him that you have asked me to go out.' + +'Missis too much good Missis, but I too much fraiding.' + +'Well, Veneaty, never fear for me. I will take care of myself.' + +Then Veneaty, with even greater reverence than usual, departed, thinking +that Mrs. G. was a too-much brave woman. + +Nothing fresh occurred till a day or two before the 15th, when Captain +W. again made his appearance. Mrs. G. had in the meantime done nothing; +everything was in its place, even to the vase of flowers. After the +ordinary salutations, the Captain said: 'I fear you are driving things +to the last moment, Mrs. G.; you have only to the 15th, by which time we +must have the bungalow. I really fear you are putting yourself to +unnecessary inconvenience.' + +'Thank you very much,' returned Mrs. G.; 'I have not been put to any +inconvenience.' + +'But I fear you will be, if you don't make preparations in time.' + +'Oh, never fear,' said the lady; 'I shall make preparations in +time--that you may depend on.' + +'Then I will take my leave with many thanks,' said Captain W.; 'you have +relieved my mind very much.' + +'You are very polite,'returned Mrs. G., 'but you have nothing to thank +me for.' + +'Oh, but indeed I have a good deal,' replied the Captain. + +'Well, I am glad you think so,' said Mrs. G.; 'good-morning.' + +'Good-morning,' said the gallant Captain, as he lifted his staff cap +very gently for fear of displacing his wig, and galloped off. + +On the morning of the 15th the same gallant officer appeared again, +attended by a serjeant and several other people. He came to take +possession of the bungalow, but this he found more difficult than he had +anticipated. All the doors and windows were locked and fastened up +except one window in the only upper room of the house, which was open, +and at which Mrs. G. appeared. + +'Really,' said Captain W., raising his cap, 'this is too bad, Mrs. G. +You must pardon me for saying so, but it is too bad, after all the +warnings you have had, and after the promises you have made.' + +'I never made you any promise whatever,' said Mrs. G. 'You chose to put +on my words a construction that suited your own ideas, and I tried to +set you right; but you would not let me. I told you you had nothing to +thank me for, but you persisted in doing so, somewhat to my amusement. +Besides, I sent you word distinctly that I did not feel inclined to +leave my house. Veneaty told me he had given you my message, but perhaps +he did not speak the truth.' + +'He did deliver your message, Mrs. G.,' said the Captain, 'but neither +the General, nor the Colonel, nor myself thought for a moment that you +really meant to act on it.' + +'Well, sir,' said Mrs. G., 'you find your mistake; it is a pity that +three such great men should fall into the same error, but by your own +account so it is.' + +'Well, ma'am, I am sorry you put me into such a painful position, that +I feel I have no alternative. I must report your disregard of authority, +and whatever happens, you must remember you brought it upon yourself.' + +'Thank you, sir, for your advice; but, really, unless the Colonel and +yourself resolve to burn my house over my head and me in it, I don't see +what is likely to happen. I am a British subject, sir, although an +unprotected woman. You threaten to break open my doors, and to expose my +property outside the house, to be spoiled by sun and rain and +night-dews; try it, sir, and lay yourself and your gallant chief open to +a civil action in the Supreme Court. There the judges, thank Heaven! +care not two pins for your cantonment law. You cannot bring me, being a +woman, to a court-martial for disobedience to orders; and I am advised, +by those who do know something of law, that as I came here before your +new rules were made, and besides hold a lease granted under cantonment +law five years ago, you cannot legally turn me out. Go home, sir, and +think of some cunning way by which, as gentlemen, and men of honour, you +can show courtesy and respect to an unprotected lady, the widow of a +brother officer; turn over in your generous minds how by violence and +intimidation you can effect that which you cannot effect by law.' + +Here Captain Pomposo, all but frantic, called out: 'Mrs. G.--Mrs. G., +pray consider what you say, pray have----' But Mrs. G. refused to +consider anything, or to hear anything; she shut down the window and +pulled down the blinds. The 'immortal' had nothing for it but to ride to +Colonel L.'s house and report the success of his undertaking. + +When Colonel L. heard the result of Captain W.'s attempt to take +possession of the bungalow, he was utterly confounded--I might say +almost horror-struck. Resistance to military authority in a military +cantonment had never, even in his dreams, assumed a tangible shape, or +appeared even as a distant or possible contingency; and now he had to +face it as a positive, undeniable reality. Actually in a cold +perspiration he said, after pausing a minute or two: 'But what are we to +do? I never met with such a case before, and never heard of such a case; +the thing is so preposterous and unnatural, as well as unprecedented, +that I am really at a loss. If it was a man I had to do with I should +know what to do; but really, independent of the scandal and absurdity of +the thing, to engage in a contest with an old woman, and to run the +chance of getting the worst of it, places me in a position I never for a +moment contemplated. I am fairly perplexed, and truly would rather again +face "la Vieille Garde" with Ney at their head than face this dreadful +Mrs. G. Great pity women were ever admitted into cantonments; they +always give trouble and always cause trouble.' + +'They did so in the first cantonment ever marked out, so we are told,' +observed Captain W. To this the Colonel made no reply, not relishing +even an approach to a joke on so serious and distressing a subject. +After a silence of some minutes, during which the Colonel endeavoured to +overcome his indignation, though with but partial success, he said: +'Send for the houseman.' + +'When shall I tell him to be here?' said Captain W. + +'Send an orderly to fetch him here at once,' replied the Colonel. + +An orderly was accordingly despatched for Veneaty, who in due season +arrived, puffing and panting in consequence of the rapid mode of +progression insisted on by his military companion. When brought into the +presence of the Colonel his nerves seemed to be greatly discomposed, nor +did the Colonel's manner and mode of address tend much to reassure him. +The first question put to him was: + +'Are you the owner of the house now occupied by Mrs. G.?' + +'Yes, I am, General Saib.' + +'Does she pay her rent regularly?' + +'Yes, General Saib.' + +'Does she hold a lease of that house?' + +'She has taken Captain Turner's lease, General Saib.' + +'When did she obtain that lease?' + +'Four months ago, General Saib.' + +'Four months? Are you sure?' + +'Yes, General Saib.' + +'It was not after the new rules were ordered, was it?' + +'No, General Saib; it was more than three months before they were +ordered.' + +'Well, you see, W.,' said the Colonel, 'we shall gain nothing by +parchment; we must try something else.' + +'Veneaty, when you want a tenant to go out, what do you do?' + +'If he no pay his rent, I get order to seize his property, then he pay +or he go out.' + +'But suppose he does pay his rent, and still you want him to go out, +what do you do then?' + +'I give written warning to go out.' + +'Then can't you do that with Mrs. G.?' + +'How can do that, General Saib? Mem Saib got lease.' + +'Oh, I forgot that,' said the Colonel. 'What the devil am I to do?' + +'General Saib not know, how can I tell?' returned Veneaty. + +After a silence of some minutes, Captain W. said: 'In a case of like +nature, or something like, that occurred at Bombay, they unroofed the +house, and so got the tenant out. Won't you do that?' + +'General Saib give order, I do; but Mem Saib, if she make complaint to +High Court at Madras, what I do?' + +'Well, Veneaty, you may go now; when I want you again I will send for +you.' Then, turning to Captain W., he said: 'Before we act I must write +to headquarters, and get instructions from Government. I must ask them +to take the opinion of the law officers on this case, then perhaps we +shall know what we are about.' So Veneaty departed, making profound +salaams as he went out, rejoicing that he had not been required to take +active measures against his tenant. + +Three months elapsed before the Colonel received an answer to his letter +of inquiry, and then the answer was not exactly what he wanted; but it +gave permission to the local military authorities to direct the +unroofing of the house if the occupant continued refractory after +another warning, the Government being prepared to meet damages should +any be awarded by the Supreme Court. + +During the suspension of hostilities, Captain W.'s position was not in +all respects a pleasant one; he was exposed to constant inquiries as to +when active operations would recommence, how the fortress was to be +stormed, and whether he was prepared to lead the forlorn hope. In fact, +to the lookers on the whole thing was regarded as great fun. Nothing +amused them more than to make inquiries on this subject, and few things +annoyed the gallant staff officer more than to be questioned respecting +it. His friends, good-naturedly, seldom lost an opportunity of doing so. +On these occasions his usual reply was, that references had been made to +headquarters, but that the law was uncertain. 'O-ho! is that it?' said +one of these good-natured friends; 'then at least for the present you +have yielded the field to the enemy? What a jolly old girl, that Mrs. +G.! Upon my life she's a Boadicea, a Thalestris, a perfect Queen of the +Amazons! To beat a general officer, a brigadier, and a staff-officer +single-handed is really an extraordinary feat of arms.' + +Captain W., who could not suppress his vexation, observed: 'You are +talking a great deal of nonsense, Gunthorpe; the war is not ended yet. +You had better wait till it is before you indulge in such idle gibes.' + +'I fear,' returned Gunthorpe, 'if the war goes on as it has begun I +shall have to wait a long time. But don't be crusty; I must have my +laugh, and can't afford to put it off for the indefinite time you point +to.' W. was vexed and sulky, but Gunthorpe would have his laugh, so the +'immortal' Don Pomposa rode off without making any reply. + +At another chance meeting on the parade ground, the conversation again +turned on the slow progress the besiegers were making, and the +resolution displayed by the garrison. + +'How long is it since the siege commenced?' said one. 'It can't be much +less than six months,' said another. 'But it isn't a siege now, is it, +W.?' said his quondam friend Gunthorpe. 'I should rather term it a +blockade.' 'Oh, call it what you like,' returned W., 'that will make +very little difference.' 'Certainly not, certainly not,' said G.; 'a +rose will smell as sweet by any other name, you know. At all events, +whenever you do obtain possession of the place so gallantly defended, +you'll have to allow the garrison all the honours of war, that's +certain. But do you know what I heard this morning?' 'How should I +know?' returned W. 'Well, I suspect it will astonish you not a little. +Mrs. G., it is credibly reported, to show her total indifference to all +your proceedings, has determined to open a shop, and has already made +arrangements for fitting it up.' 'Open a shop! Nonsense!' said W. 'True, +I assure you,' returned his friend. 'But what kind of goods is she going +to deal in?' 'Oh, everything included under the head of _stationery_.' +'Confound you, G.! I thought some rubbish of that sort was coming.' The +laughter of others showed that they relished G.'s small attempt. Then +the party separated, all in high spirits and good-humour, except the +'immortal' Pomposa, who rode away swelling and ruffling his plumes, and +vowing this, that, and the other. He thought of making an application +for two months' leave of absence, but he remembered that if he got it he +would have to forfeit half his allowances, therefore he agreed with +himself that discretion would be the better part of valour. +Nevertheless, he could not suppress a few kind wishes in favour of his +friends, which, as they did not hear them, did them no serious harm. + +Things went on much in the old way, until the arrival of the +instructions from headquarters. Then active operations recommenced. +Official notice was again sent to Mrs. G. that if she did not vacate her +bungalow by a certain date, which was duly specified, orders would be +issued to unroof it. Still the indomitable heroine took no steps to find +another house, nor did she take any notice of the official warning. + +When the period of grace was about to expire, Captain W., by the desire +of the Colonel, wrote Mrs. G. a polite note, telling her that the +workmen and coolies would be at her house on such a day unless she +removed in time, but that both he and the Colonel hoped that Mrs. G.'s +sense of propriety would save them the pain of enforcing a measure so +repugnant to their feelings. + +Mrs. G. replied to Captain W.'s note, with thanks for the intimation it +conveyed, adding that as the roof was in want of some slight repairs, +and that as she knew, when it was repaired, all the broken or injured +tiles must be replaced by new and sound ones, the order was tantamount +to one for repairing her roof, which she begged to acknowledge as it +deserved. As a lady, she could not raise her cap to the Colonel. It was, +however, scarcely necessary, as he had raised her tile for her. This ran +round the cantonment, while the laugh was all on the lady's side, and +her pluck was universally admired. + +By and by the day of fate arrived, so did the workmen and the coolies, +with ladders and all other needful means and appliances. Mrs. G., +wearing a large pith hat, and farther defended by a large silk umbrella, +having a long support that rested on the ground, came out, and pointed +out to the men where they should commence their work. Veneaty was there, +making pathetic appeals to everyone, as well as to his own throat, and +uttering unceasing apologies. 'He too sorry. He not do. But too much +fraiding,' etc., etc. Numerous officers, some friends of Mrs. G., some +strangers, but all more or less sympathetic and complimentary as to her +courage and resolution, were assembled in and around her compound. There +was much talking and shaking of hands. By and by jocose remarks and +peals of laughter were mingled with the babel of various tongues and +voices, and the whole thing seemed to be regarded by the majority as an +excellent joke, Mrs. G. appearing to be in high spirits, as she talked +to everyone, giving all to understand that her lawyer had positively +stated that she was bound to make money by the proceeding, which she +expressed her fixed intention to do, if only to read her special friends +a lesson. + +All this time, Captain W. did not appear. Whether his conscience twitted +him, or whether he feared the wit of his friends, is best known to +himself. Some assigned the one, some the other, reason for his +non-appearance, and some said that both combined to keep him away. + +The next morning, soon after gun-fire, Captain W. rode past Mrs. G.'s +compound to ascertain if the orders had been duly executed. The lady +was up and out, attending to her garden. As soon as she saw the gallant +Captain she said: 'Good-morning, Captain W., won't you come in and have +a cup of coffee?' + +'No, I thank you,' replied the Captain, 'I'm on duty. I have to go to +the artillery lines.' + +'Oh, do come in,' replied the lady. 'I want to ask you why you were not +on duty yesterday.' Captain W. coloured up, mumbled something, and was +about to ride on his way, when his old tormentor, Gunthorpe, came up. +After saluting the lady, he said to W.: 'Going to the artillery lines, +are you? So am I. We'll ride there together.' So, raising their caps to +the lady, they were about to start, when G. said: 'But isn't this a +_moving spectacle_?' pointing to the tiles piled up on the ground. +'Whatever it is,' said W., again getting red in the face, 'it's no fault +of mine.' + +'I say,' said Mrs. G., 'it's nothing of the kind. I'm not thinking of +moving--don't imagine any such thing--yet, after all, in another sense, +it may be termed "a moving spectacle," inasmuch as it is most likely to +move a good many rupees into my pocket. So you see, Captain Gunthorpe, +that I have very good reason to be obliged to the Colonel and your +friend Captain W.' + +The lady and Captain G. were both convulsed with laughter; the latter, +after a second bow, rode off with the Staff-Captain, who observed to G., +'You and the lady seem to understand the joke; I confess I can't see +it.' + +'Can't you? how odd!' said G., again bursting into a fit of laughter. +Captain W. was sulky and silent, and little was said during their ride. +When they reached the artillery lines, G. asked his silent friend to +breakfast with him at the mess; but W. declined, stating he had yet to +visit the canteen. So the gentlemen parted, and G. regaled his friends +at mess with what he had seen and heard that morning. + +Not to protract the story longer than needful, it is enough to say that +the lady held out three months longer, during two changes in the state +of her roof, which was first open on the north side and then on the +south. She raised internal entrenchments of bamboo mats and cajans, +which last she had to send some distance for. By these means, and the +moving of her bed from this to that side as she found convenient, she +defended herself against wind and rain and cold and sun most +effectually; and though, as she observed, the polite attentions of her +friends enabled her to converse with the stars more freely than she had +been accustomed to do, she made no sign of capitulating; no white flag +was seen on her battlements. She seemed, indeed, more active than ever. +She drove out morning and evening, and whenever she met the Colonel or +the Staff-Officer she saluted in the most obliging manner. + +How long the siege might have endured it is impossible to say, had not +the Koorg War unexpectedly put an end to it. Colonel L. was placed in +command of the column that was to penetrate the Koorg country by Stony +River, and therefore was shortly obliged to surrender to Colonel Burton +his staff appointment as the commandant of the cantonment. Before he did +so, however, Mrs. G. was seen at the band-stand, her coachman, her +ghari-wallahs or grooms, and her horses, all decked out with large blue +rosettes on their heads and turbans. + +'Dear me, what is all this finery for?' said Miss Brown. 'Oh, I know. +Mrs. G. is rejoicing that Colonel L. is going to Koorg.' + +'Quite wrong,' said Mrs. G., who overheard her. 'It is on account of a +matter of infinitely more importance to me. I have been awarded, +independent of costs which will have to be paid as well, 5,000 Rs., as +a compensation for the injuries I have sustained (so they put it). Now, +isn't it good to get one's roof repaired for nothing, and then to get +5,000 Rs as a present into the bargain--isn't it good? So good that I +could not help celebrating my victory and good fortune by a little +outward display, as you see.' + +By this time there was quite a crowd round Mrs. G.'s carriage, laughing, +rejoicing, and complimenting her upon her success. 'But what will you +do, Mrs. G.,' said Gunthorpe, 'if the new commandant takes up the +cudgels, and continues the unroofing business?' + +'Oh,' returned Mrs. G., 'if he should be so very kind as to give me +another opportunity of making another 5,000 Rs. I shall not object, I +shall renew my conversation with the stars with unfeigned pleasure.' +After this flourish of trumpets, and cheers from the ladies and +uproarious laughter from the gentlemen, the old lady departed to take +her accustomed drive round the racecourse. + +It is almost needless to say that Colonel Burton declined to continue +the war; and thus terminated this famous 'passage of arms,' second only +in interest to that of Ashby de la Zouch, recorded in 'Ivanhoe,' Mrs. G. +having literally had her roof repaired for her for nothing, and having +had a present of 5,000 Rs. on account of the proceeding. + +It is said that the heroine, after her signal success, dropped her old +coat-of-arms, substituting for her former crest a hen standing over two +prostrate dunghill cocks, and for the three mullets on the face of the +shield, several men thatching the roof of a house; finally, for +supporters, she had a brigadier and a staff-officer. In place of her old +motto, she had, 'I strive and thrive.' + +On being asked why, being only Mrs. General G., she assumed supporters, +she replied, 'My husband's family are lineally descended from the King +of Munster, so you perceive I am entitled to have supporters.' 'Well,' +replied the inquirer, 'you certainly found numerous and able supporters, +whether descended from the King of Munster or not.' 'Oh, fie!' said Mrs. +G., 'to try and throw a doubt on the validity of my supporters. Fie! +fie!' + + + + +No. VI. + +MAJOR B.'S WELL-DESERVED DISCOMFITURE. + + +The incidents about to be narrated happened during the campaign of 1834, +undertaken against the Rajah of Koorg, whose atrocities could no longer +be tolerated. The force ordered out for this purpose was divided into +three columns: one under the command of General Waugh, a second under +someone whose name we cannot call to mind, the third under that of Sir +Patrick L., a thorough soldier, known afterwards as the hero of Koorg. +The wives and other feminine belongings of the officers on duty with +these three columns were left at Bangalore, from which station the +several divisions started for the seat of war. + +The desolate and distressed condition of these poor ladies, during the +absence of their husbands, gave rise to those occurrences which the +author has here endeavoured to describe, and from which the reader, it +is hoped, will derive some amusement. + +The solitary state of these fair sufferers naturally attracted the +attention and commiseration of many of those gentlemen who were not +employed on active service, and it was no less remarkable than beautiful +to mark the constant devotion of some of them. It was indeed so +remarkable that one of the ladies whose husband had not been ordered +away, and who was at the time sitting by her side at the band-stand, +observed, 'Who would not be a grass widow to get flowers and fruits from +the Laul Baugh every morning, and such unfailing attention at all times? +Surely the age of chivalry has returned.' + +'I think,' Captain D. said, 'it is a pity that, with the age of +chivalry, the husbands of the grass widows have not returned also.' + +'That is a pity too, no doubt,' said the lively dame; 'but in the +absence of the legitimate comforters and protectors, isn't it charming +to see how anxious most of the gentlemen present seem to be to make the +ladies feel this absence as little as possible?' + +'Christian charity, Charlotte; Christian charity,' said the gentleman. + +'Well,' replied the lady, 'I hope it is; but----' + +'But what?' said her husband, laughing. + +'Oh, nothing; only I hope they won't carry it too far. Some of them at +least seem disposed to carry their charity (if that's the word, which I +am by no means sure of) a long way.' + +'If they carry it farther than they ought to do, isn't that the fault of +the ladies?' replied the marital speaker. + +'William, you always take the part of the men, and it is not fair,' +returned the lady. 'Look how Major B. besieges Mrs. W.' + +'Well,' returned her husband, 'if he does she can force him to raise the +siege whenever she pleases, can't she?' + +'I don't see it exactly in that light,' returned the lady; 'I think +gentlemen should not endeavour to do all the mischief they can, and then +shelter themselves under the plea that ladies can, and ought, always to +take care of themselves.' + +'There is a great deal to be said, Charlotte, on both sides; but tell me +why ladies who have no fortunes to make, and whose election for weal or +woe has been made years ago, continue to dress and dance, etc., just as +they used to do when they were unmarried? Explain, if you please, the +cause of these little performances before you utterly condemn the poor +flies that are attracted by such Circean artifices.' + +'Oh, William, I'm ashamed of you! You would go about to excuse the +premeditated wickedness of men by trying to make out that the women are +in fault in the first instance. I'm ashamed of you.' + +'Ah, ma chère,' replied her husband, still laughing, 'however ingenious +an attack may be as a defence, you have, in your ardour to defend your +sex, forgotten to explain the spring of the _petits soin de toilette_ +that I referred to.' + +'What nonsense you talk!' replied the lady. 'Are ladies utterly to +neglect themselves, and to appear as slatterns and slovens, merely +because their husbands are away?' + +'I see,' said her husband, 'that it matters nothing whether menkind have +the right on their side or not; womenkind ever have the best of it with +their tongues.' + +'It is nothing of the kind,' said the lady; 'we have the best of it +because we're in the right and you are not.' + +'That's a pretty flourish, Charlotte, but it will hardly account for the +impression made on the whole cantonment; and if my memory does not +entirely mislead me, I think I can remember that but the day before +yesterday a certain vivacious, voluble little friend of mine' ('I'll +pinch you, William') 'said that the "deserted wives did not at least +mourn in sackcloth and ashes." Didn't that little friend of mine say +something to that effect?' said her husband, laughing so much that he +could scarcely speak. + +'Oh, you're a horrid fellow, and can remember anything you please, +whether it was ever spoken or not.' + +'Oh, Charly, Charly! you must be in a difficulty when you make such a +dreadful charge as that, and, by innuendo, imply a doubt as to whether +you ever spoke the words or not.' + +'You've become a dreadful talker, William, and run into the greatest +extravagance when you've nothing to the point to say; but pray recall +your faculties. Here comes young Johnson, who joined us but the other +day.' + +After the usual salutations to the lady and gentleman, the young ensign +said: 'Oh, Mrs. D., there's such fun going on, that I must tell you of +it.' + +'Pray do,' said the lady. + +'Just sit where you are and keep your eyes open; in a few minutes you'll +have Major B., in a handsome drag drawn by a pair of bays, with Mrs. W. +by his side, drive by. Not to make the thing too particular, the old fox +has got Mrs. Flower and my chum, Hopkins, in the back seat; but it would +do your heart good to hear how strong the Major is coming it with the +lady by his side. I must say he's a man of metal, for every time he has +out that same drag and bays, it costs him 25 Rs.; old Brasher charges no +less.' + +Here Captain D. burst out into an immoderate fit of laughter, in which +his wife, as it seemed almost against her will, joined, though in a +subdued manner. + +'Oh, don't laugh now,' said the youngster; 'wait till you see the party +and the dashing turn-out. They say the Major was never known to do such +a thing before.' + +By and by the drag and party appeared, greeted by bows and salutations +from all sides. The Major, not at all discomposed by the fire of small +jests in the shape of compliments, inquiries, and hopes that he would +never put down such a pretty turn-out, drove round the band-stand twice, +and then pulled up by the side of Captain D.'s carriage. + +'Upon my honour,' said Captain D., 'the regiment is very much indebted +to you, Mrs. W., for having put the Major in the right way at last. No +suggestions of ours were potent enough to induce him to sport a turn-out +like that; it really does as much credit to the regiment as to himself.' + +'Oh, pray do not imagine that I had anything to do with it,' said Mrs. +W. 'I knew nothing about it until the arrangement had been made. Had I +known anything about it I would not have suffered Major B. to incur such +expense on my account; indeed, I have so much to thank him for that I +was really vexed when I saw what his generosity and kindness had led him +to do unknown to me. I declined at first to drive out in it, but I saw +that he would think it ungrateful and unkind if I persisted in refusing +to avail myself of what he was good enough to say would be a pleasure to +him; moreover, as I knew the expense had been incurred I no longer +refused, and, as you see, here I am. Besides, since this morning's post +another reason has urged me to show my sense of Major B.'s kindness and +attention in every way that I could that was right and proper. I only +stay one day longer at Bangalore; my husband informs me that Colonel L. +has granted permission to all the ladies left here to rejoin their +husbands as soon as they can make arrangements to do so. I have already +written to the commissariat officer to post bearers for me, and shall +start early the morning after to-morrow.' + +'Oh, Mrs. W., what terrible news this is for me!' exclaimed the Major. +'I wondered this morning, when I called, what urgent business you had to +prevent you from seeing me, but now I understand it all; you were +packing up your trunks.' + +'Yes, Major, I was packing up. Surely you couldn't think I would lose +any time, when what I have been waiting for so long has come at last, +could you?' + +'I suppose not,' said the Major with a very downcast air. 'But, you see, +I have been hoping you would stay here a good while longer, and the +blow comes suddenly upon me. I knew you would go one time or other, but +I never thought it would be so soon.' + +'And I never thought it would be so long,' said Mrs. W. + +'But you don't really mean to be off the morning after next? Surely you +can't mean that,' muttered or half whispered the Major, in a most +imploring tone of voice. + +'Oh, I can and do mean it most positively,' said Mrs. W., laughing in a +most provoking way. 'I have ordered a set of bearers, and a masulchi, +and shall be off by three o'clock--not five o'clock--in the morning.' + +'That's too cruel of you, Mrs. W.; and to remind me of that sweet song I +used to delight in hearing you sing.' + +'Oh, I shall come back by-and-by, and then I'll sing it for you again,' +replied Mrs. W., with a wicked smile that made all who saw and heard +her, except the disconsolate Major, laugh outright. + +'Ah,' said he, 'if I ever do hear you sing it again, it won't be the +same song it was before to me.' + +'And why not?' said the relentless Mrs. W., scarcely able to utter the +words from suppressed laughter, which seemed also to have seized Mrs. +D., Captain D., and the two younger fellows, Johnson and Hopkins. But +the Major, indifferent to everything but his grief, only said: 'Well, +Mrs. W., I will have a cavady cooly and the boxes filled with European +articles got ready for your journey, and you must not deny me the +melancholy pleasure of seeing you off, and saying farewell to you.' + +Mrs. W., after a little struggle to overcome the former tendency, said: +'On no account would I hear of such a thing, Major. I'll wish you +good-bye to-morrow evening, and as to the boxes, don't think of it. I +have supplies of everything I can want on the road. Besides, I should +have no means to carry them. I travel dawk.' + +'Oh, well,' said the Major, 'I'll see to all that; and don't suppose +that I shall let you leave Bangalore without being up to see you off, at +whatever hour it may be.' + +'Well, Major B., I can't prevent you from doing what you say you will +do, but I certainly think you'd be much better in bed.' + +As the band began to play the National Anthem, the carriages began to +move off, but the two young men stayed behind to talk over the scene +they had just taken part in. They ordered their horsekeepers to take +their bays home, and then leisurely walked on to the mess-room, +indulging, as they sauntered along, in repeated bursts of laughter. +Johnson, who first recovered himself, said, turning to his friend: 'Now, +can you fancy that anyone could be so blind as our worthy, the Major? +The old fogey, in his latter days, has become so amorous, so demented, +about Mrs. W., that he can't help making love to her before everybody.' + +'That's plain enough, and patent to everyone who has got eyes and ears,' +returned Hopkins. 'And to see how she treats him! Upon my soul, it's the +finest fun I've had since I've been here,' remarked Johnson. + +'Why,' returned Hopkins, 'she laughs at him so openly that if he were +not what he is, he must see it.' + +'But he don't,' said Johnson, 'that is the best of it--he don't, and +goes on worshipping, and never minding, in a way that's unlike anything +I ever saw before. I won't say "more majorum," for that would be a libel +on all other majors.' + +'Well,' said Hopkins, 'that would require a free translation indeed to +translate it into wit, for which I suppose it's meant. You ought to +rejoice old Leatherum is not behind you: he would score up marks against +you for which you would not be able to find a free translation, I +suspect.' + +'You and old Leatherum be hanged!' said Johnson. + +'Thank you for nothing,' returned Hopkins. 'Hang "_odi profanum +vulgus_" whenever you please, but as for me, I'm not inclined that way +just now, so won't trouble you for any such delicate attention. Besides, +I shouldn't exactly rejoice to see you turn Jack Ketch after bearing her +Majesty's colours.' + +'It would scarcely be needful, I suspect, if I gave you rope enough,' +returned Johnson. + +'You seem to be particularly attached to this line of illustration, +Johnson, but as it is not altogether new, let's try something else.' + +'With all my heart,' returned Johnson, 'but what line shall we take up?' + +'I don't know that we need take up any,' replied Hopkins. 'Suppose we +get up on the morning after next in time to witness the parting between +the Major and Mrs. W.?' + +'Why, you don't think old "Amoroso" will really get up after what she +said to him, do you?' said Johnson. + +'I have a notion he will,' returned Hopkins, 'and if he does I would not +miss the play for a trifle; it will be truly affecting.' + +'Oh, it will be grand!' said Johnson, 'but I wish the lady had not been +in such a mortal hurry to get back to her husband. Three o'clock is an +uncommonly early hour.' + +'If we want to see what goes on,' observed Hopkins, 'we mustn't mind +that. It is agreed that we turn out on the chance.' + +'Agreed,' said his chum. 'I'll tell Veeratawny to call us at half-past +two; that fellow never makes a mistake. How he manages to wake whenever +he is ordered to wake, I don't know; but he does it, that I know.' + +'He's an invaluable fellow,' said Hopkins, as he entered the mess +compound. + +The usual revolution of the hours brought round three o'clock in the +morning of the day named by Mrs. W. for her departure. Accordingly, her +palankeen and twelve bearers were ready at her door, with two Cowry +coolies and a masulchi. She was dressed, giving directions to her ayah, +for whom a dooly had been procured, and who would reach the Bislay +Ghaut, where the camp had been pitched, the day after her mistress. All +the ladies who could afford to travel dawk agreed to go with Mrs. W., +and consequently there were in her compound not less than four +palankeens, four sets of bearers, cavadees, and masulchies. The ayahs +were running about under unusual excitement, and the ladies were making +the final arrangements in their palankeens. + +Major B. now made his appearance, followed by a coolie bearing the box +of European articles. + +'You see, Mrs. W., though you are in such a hurry to run away from your +friends, they are actuated by very different feelings, for which you are +so hard-hearted as not to show the slightest sympathy.' + +'Don't talk such nonsense, Major B., but like a kind, good friend go +into the house and ask the ayah for my black bag. I've left it +somewhere; I can't go without it.' + +'Certainly, certainly,' replied the Major; 'happy to be employed in +_your_ service in any way.' + +'Now that I've got rid of that tiresome old man,' said Mrs. W., 'run, +Anawah, and tell my bearers to bring my palankeen over to this side of +the compound, so that Mrs. F.'s bearers and palankeen may stand nearest +to the gate.' + +This arrangement having been effected, the torches were lighted, and the +whole party was about to start, when the Major rushed out of the house, +and ran up to the palankeen nearest to the gate, exclaiming, 'Dear Mrs. +W., the black bag cannot be found anywhere. I am so sorry.' Then +seizing the lady's hand, he pressed it to his lips. 'But, surely,' he +said, still holding her hand, 'you won't be so obdurate after everything +I've done to show how dearly I prize the smallest token of kindness from +you, you won't, I'm sure you won't, deny me one farewell salute,' and at +the same time he put his head into the palankeen to possess himself of +the small token he had solicited. But before he could do so, the lady +had saluted him with such a sounding box on the ear that he recoiled two +or three paces, saying as she administered the sedative, 'Och, thin, you +auld baste, get out of that!' + +Screams of laughter from the other side of the hedge informed the +discomfited would-be Lothario that there had been witnesses of his +ignominious defeat, and while he stood with one hand up to the side of +his face, paralyzed with mortification and vexation, the palankeens +moved off. Then he heard one of the observers say to the other: 'Wasn't +it a sounder!' + +'That it was, and no mistake,' replied his companion. Then both broke +into another fit of laughter. Who the two watchers were it is not +necessary to say. + +When the calling hours came round they had a charming little narrative +for their friends, which flew round the cantonment like wildfire, to the +intense delight of the hearers as well as reporters. + +Lest the more sensitive, sympathizing half of the creation might imagine +that, actuated by despair, the hero of this passing scene sought some +tragic remedy to quiet his distracting sorrow, or like those youths that +died for love, + + + 'Wandering in the myrtle grove, + His gentle spirit sought the realms above,' + + +as Mr. Pope tells us, it is satisfactory to be able to inform these +sensitive souls that the Major did this literatim, for having evaded +for three days any appearance at mess by reporting sick, he obtained +three months' leave of absence to the Neilgherry Hills, said to be above +6,000 feet above the level of the sea. + +When on the hills, the Major must be regarded as an exalted character, +but let us breathe in the softest whisper that he was not. No, he was +not a heroic specimen of manhood, that is the melancholy truth; and +however distressing the fact may be to Paul de Koch (or his shade), +instead of resorting for help to a bullet, or prussic acid, or a pan of +charcoal, as all Paul's heroes and heroines did, he only fled to the +hills from the looks and laughter of his companions. + + + + +No. VII. + +THE RACE STAND AND THE FANCY BALL. + + +The scene that now presents itself is that of the race stand at +Bangalore. The ring, twenty yards distant, is just opposite, with the +winning-post about four yards in front of it. All 'the beauty and +fashion,' as the newspapers phrase it, are seated in the front rows of +the stand, or are fast coming in. Old Tommy H., the General, is seated +beside his beloved Anna, who is not merely General, but Generaless too. +She is at least forty years younger than her husband, who cannot be less +than seventy, while if she numbers thirty-two or three it is the utmost +she can be rated at. She is a fine woman, with fine features, and +withal, and in spite of the great disparity in years, a kind, loving, +affectionate wife. It is no wonder, then, that the old man loves her--he +says he cannot love her enough; and truly the poor old fellow tries to +act up to that saying. At a review, a brigade field-day or sham fight, +Mrs. H.'s military ardour sometimes carries her away. She is a splendid +horsewoman, and is seen galloping about at full speed from point to +point, the Adjutant-General of Division sailing after her in the vain +endeavour to keep beside her, while the General is trying to maintain +his seat and a very gentle canter at the same time. To restrain the +instincts of an admirably trained charger whose native fire has been +cooled and partly tamed by fifteen years' service, is sometimes +effected, but at other times with so little success that a horsekeeper, +running on either side of him, is obliged to hold down his legs, and +thus keep him in the saddle. The General is, besides, fully engaged in +soothing the ungovernable creature by patting him on the neck, and +speaking to him in the most endearing way, and these manoeuvres seem to +be perfectly well understood by the sagacious quadruped. The kind of +conversation carried on between them was something after the following +fashion: 'Wo ho, proud animal. Soh ho, my steed!--Neigh, neigh!--'Soh +ho, soh ho! But why these bounds and curvets?'--Neigh, neigh!--'There, +there! wo ho, noble beast,' the patting being all the time assiduously +continued. + +These exhibitions of horsemanship naturally amused all who beheld them, +and led to a good deal of idle chaff and fun. Adolphe D., the Divisional +Adjutant-General, was asked whether any order had yet arrived from +headquarters to invest the lady in her husband's cocked hat, coat, and +continuations, etc., and to clothe him in her petticoats, etc.; for, if +not, and the Arabs, who at this time mustered strong at Kurnool, should +make a raid into the Mysore country, all the inhabitants of Bangalore +might get up one fine morning and find their throats cut; and a great +deal more in the same strain. + +However, as neither the old General nor his wife heard these stupendous +efforts of wit, they were not rendered for ever miserable by them. On +the contrary, sitting beside each other at the race-stand, they appeared +particularly happy and comfortable. Pretty Mrs. D. was conspicuous +amongst the ladies, she and her squire, Lieutenant M. of the Horse +Artillery, being characterized as a particularly handsome pair. +Unfortunately, they were neither paired nor coupled, Captain D. being +the owner, or, it might be said, the reputed owner, of Eve's fair +daughter. + +It would be an endless task to enumerate all those who were present. +First, all the sporting men were there, decked in hunting coats, +buckskins, and top-boots. This list included Colonel MacC., Lieutenant +M., H.A., Captain Venables, H.M.'s 39th Regiment, Long E. of 7th N. +Cavalry, Suscat and Humphries of the N. Cavalry, Captain L. of the H.A., +some strangers, sporting men, some civilians from Madras, and the +Mofussil, several dragoon officers, and some few, besides Captain +Venables, from H.M.'s 39th and the Native Infantry Regiments. Most of +these occupied the ring, where the gentlemen who were to ride were +dressing, or weighing, or being weighed. It was a busy, bustling scene. +Some had field-glasses slung over their shoulders; the greater number +had notebooks in their hands. + +The race-stand was now crowded with officers of all arms, some few +civilians and ladies, many of them from Madras, Arcot, etc. The jockeys +were many of them dressed and ready, whip in hand, for a final weighing; +the horsecloths were being taken off the horses, and all began to +examine the printed papers in their hands. Ten horses were to run. +Lieutenant M., in jockey costume, now walked from the band-stand to the +seat in the race-stand occupied by Mrs. D., who said: 'What is it, +Frank?' 'I only came over to point out the horses to you,' returned her +friend; 'they are going to walk them about for a little while, and I'll +stay with you till the first bell rings.' 'That's a good boy!' said the +lady, looking at him as I should not have liked her to look had I been +Captain D. But, alas! alas! _Hei mihi quod nullis amor est, medicabilis +herbis._ So Ovid said years agone, and so he might say again could he +again return to earth. + +'Well, that beautiful creature is Colonel Cubbon's, and so is that.' +'And the dark gray, whose is that?' 'Oh, that is Anatomy. Well, he's a +handsome fellow, too, but in too good condition for such a name.' 'Whose +horse is he?' 'He belongs to General Mrs. H.' 'Oh, really,' said the +lady, 'what an odd name! But, no; it isn't. Nothing could be more +appropriate for Anna Tommy.' 'Well done, Emma!' said her escort; 'that's +capital. Isn't that good, Colonel Williamson?' 'What?' said the Colonel; +'I didn't hear.' Mrs. D.'s _bon mot_ was repeated, and all who heard it +applauded loudly. 'On my word,' said Colonel W., 'Mrs. D., you're a +monopolist. The ladies say you have more good looks than should fall to +any one person's share, and not content with that, you throw all your +friends into the shade by your wit.' 'I'm _sure_,' replied Mrs. D., 'the +ladies didn't say that; you say it for them. It would be only too +delightful if it were true.' 'It is quite true, Mrs. D.; two delightful +things are wit and beauty.' 'Oh yes; quite true if one possessed them.' +'Come, come, you're not going to outface me in that way,' said Colonel +W., 'with such proofs before my eyes and in my ears.' 'Oh,' said Mrs. +O., in a half whisper to Mrs. C, 'she has brass enough to outface old +Nick himself; anyone with half an eye could see what she is, only these +men, especially old ones, are such unutterable fools.' Mrs. D. probably +heard something and guessed more, for she leaned back in her chair and +laughed heartily; then, casting an expressive glance towards Mrs. O., +she said: 'Who is it, Frank, that says, "The highest compliment one +woman can pay another is when the one exhibits malignity and envy +towards the other"--who is it?' 'I fancy,' returned Frank, 'you mean +that clever sample of female vanity, Madame de Staël. But how did you +make acquaintance with her? I thought you didn't care for that sort of +thing.' 'I do read sometimes, Frank.' 'Yes, I know you do; I caught you +reading the "Bride of Abydos" the other day.' 'Yes; I do read Byron, +and have the honesty and courage to admit that I do; others read, and +deny that they do so. But I'm not going to fight with you now; this +isn't the right time or place, sir. But I'm in high spirits this +morning, and I ought to be, for I have won high compliments from Colonel +Williamson--he who never speaks of our poor sex without bringing up all +our transgressions, from that little mistake our unhappy +great-grandmother made to the various errors, _faux pas_, or +misdemeanours attaching to Madame de Maintenon or the Marchioness of H.' + +'Well, "mera jan," I must run. I have scarcely time to weigh again and +mount. They are ringing that bell with the utmost violence and +impatience.' 'Go, then; mount and win,' said the lady. 'So I always do,' +said he, whispering something in her ear. 'Begone, you wicked boy!' said +she, laughing, but pushing him away. 'Now that there's a vacancy,' said +the old Colonel, 'I'll occupy M.'s place, and repeat all those +transgressions you refer to, solely, you know, to make myself +agreeable.' 'That's rather an odd way of doing it, isn't it?' replied +Mrs. D. 'It's something like beating one till you're tired, and then +claiming credit for leaving off a minute or two.' 'No, no; it's a great +deal more than that. I apply soothing plasters, don't I? and dress you +very nicely, don't I?' 'Nothing of the sort. I have my ayah to do that; +and if you're going to beat me again, on the strength of your nice +dressing, I tell you I won't suffer it.' 'Well, then, just to please +you, instead of dressing, I'll do the other thing, if you will only let +me; in short, I'll do anything to please.' 'Well, then, Colonel W., +you'll stop, if you please. I have, and you have, allowed your tongue +greater latitude than ought to have been allowed, so if you please +you'll stop now, and we'll talk of something else.' Old W. was quick +enough to understand from the lady's tone and manner that she would +resent any prolongation of the giff-gaff he had been indulging in, so, +like an experienced warrior, he drew off his forces, and said: 'Come, +then, I'll go on with the horses.' The lady, to show that she had +forgiven the old sinner, said with an arch smile: 'I see how it is. Mrs. +Williamson does not keep you at all in order; she must do better in +future, or I shall warn her if she doesn't. You're such an impetuous old +gentleman that she'll have you paying adoration to all the ladies in the +station.' 'Oh no,' returned old W., 'you wouldn't do that: have some +compassion. Spare me that.' 'A-ha!' said Mrs. D., 'so I have found a +crevice in your armour, have I? Ha, ha, ha!' laughing maliciously. +'Well, sir, behave yourself, and try and control your juvenile +impetuosity. Ha, ha, ha! How M. will laugh when I tell him!' 'No, no; +you won't tell him--I'm sure you won't.' 'I rather think I shall,' said +the lady. 'Are you afraid of twelve paces?' 'As far as that,' replied +Colonel W., 'I fear nothing, and I've proved that more than once. We can +settle it over a handkerchief if M. likes; but I am afraid to face the +ridicule, the scandal, and the gossip that a meeting between me, a +married man, and M. on account of a married lady, might and would give +rise to. I confess I am afraid of that. Come, be generous, and don't say +anything about my small delinquencies.' 'Well, sir, if you'll promise to +behave yourself, I will for the present hold my tongue.' 'That's kind. +Now we'll look at the horses.' So the horses were looked at and pointed +out individually, and their qualities and prospects descanted on. By and +by the start took place. M.'s horse Leander won; Trojan, the horse +backed by Captain Venables, second; and Roderic, Colonel MacC.'s horse, +third; the rest nowhere. Mrs. D.'s delight was inexpressibly great, and +while she was talking with the utmost volubility she declared she had no +words to express it. + +In the midst of the glee and the rejoicing, M. made his appearance, but +with a countenance expressive of anything but mirth and satisfaction. +'What's the matter, Frank?' said Mrs. D. 'Nothing,' said M., 'but that I +have lost the race.' 'How can that be?' said the lady. 'Your horse came +in first.' 'Yes; but when the jockey was weighed, it was found that he +had lost weight.' 'Oh, how sorry I am,' said Mrs. D.; 'I could actually +cry, I'm so vexed.' 'Don't do that, "mera jan," don't do that; I'd +rather lose the next race than that you should do that.' 'Well, Frank, I +won't if I can help it.' 'I am really sorry,' said Colonel W.; 'but how +did it happen?' 'I can't tell, and the boy can't tell. He is a good lad, +and is now doing what you were almost doing, Emma; he is crying his eyes +out because he has lost the race and I have lost my money.' 'But how did +it occur?' 'I suppose some of the shot escaped out of the shot-belt, +though how they could I don't know. However it came about, it has +happened, and I have lost the race.' 'Well,' said the Colonel, 'you take +it very philosophically.' 'Why should I not do so? fretting or fuming +won't help me. Losing my temper won't save me from losing my money.' +'True,' returned the Colonel; 'but few exhibit so much command over +themselves.' 'Few are like Frank,' said Mrs. D. 'But how much weight did +the boy lose?' 'I forget exactly; not many grains over allowances.' 'And +must you lose the race for that? that is hard.' 'No, "mera jan," it is +the law, the rule; and it is as fair for one as the other.' 'Why, then, +don't they have a piece of lead scraped or filed down to what is exactly +required, and then if it were sewn into the jacket it could not be +lost.' 'Not a bad plan, Emma, truly; but it can only help us for the +future; it cannot help us on this occasion.' 'What I can't understand is +how Cubbon's horses, by far the best of those which started, did not +win.' 'It was in consequence of their acknowledged superiority that +they lost,' replied M. 'Isn't that a paradoxical remark,' asked Mrs. D. +'No, Emma,' said M.; 'they carried too much extra weight. I knew they +would lose, and I told the Colonel so, and advised him to scratch them. +I also said I thought that the committee had decided erroneously; but he +was so good and so generous that he declared he would rather lose than +spoil the race and the general pleasure. Oh, he is _primus et solus_.' +All sung Colonel Cubbon's praises, and then all prepared for the second +heat. + +Not to make my story too long, it is merely necessary to state the facts +as they occurred. Trojan was first. The little mare Kate (M.'s horse) +came in second, but again M. lost through his jockey, this time +evidently by villainy; the boy had chosen to lose his whip. This would +not have occurred had the lad who rode the first race been allowed to +ride the second, which M. himself wished. His wishes were, however, +overruled by his friends; so the honest but unfortunate jockey was +discarded and the scoundrel trusted, as too often happens in this world +in more important matters. As he himself said, 'Fate was determined to +win the race against him.' + +Poor fellow! that day's sport made him an indebted and distressed man +all his days. On the other hand Fate, or Dame Fortune was equally +determined that Captain Venables should be a winner. First, the horse he +backed so largely was an ugly, awkward, bony-looking brute that would +never have had the ghost of a chance had not the committee, most +unaccountably, at the last moment almost, doubled the length of the +course. This enabled Trojan's wind and bottom to tell. Secondly, by +another oversight, the weight named for him to carry was insignificant. +For, by height, and size, and strength, he ought to have carried a +stone more than he did; but, in truth, his other qualities were +overlooked; his Roman nose and awkward appearance, together with his +comparative want of speed, which was well known, deceived the members of +the committee. He was scoffed at as a competitor, and was generally put +down as nowhere in the race, and consequently the bets and odds were +heavy against him. Had it not been for the double course, which made the +stretch close on three miles, the knowing ones would have been quite +right; but the alteration, which was purely accidental, upset all their +calculations. Still, had it not been for the first jockey's accident and +ill-luck, Leander would have won. As it was, Captain Venables won +everything; his gains were calculated at more than £2,000, and, as +everyone said, lucky it was for him that he did win. Had he lost, he had +nothing, absolutely nothing, to offer in the shape of payment but his +commission. + +All the senior officers of the 39th had been constant and earnest in +their remonstrances and entreaties to Captain Venables to draw back, and +not to involve himself to such a perilous extent; but all to no purpose. +An obstinate fit of deafness, and, as it was looked on, madness, seemed +to have got possession of him. He would hear nothing, see nothing, and +say nothing except, 'Well, we shall see,' and such like cool, determined +phrases. Everyone set him down as an obstinate madman, whose ruin was +certain. Major S. said to him after a long, earnest, and fruitless +remonstrance, 'Well, Venables, I shall be sorry, after twenty years' +service, to see you carrying a musket, but there's nothing else before +you that I can see.' 'But,' replied V., 'I can see something else, +Major; you will never see me carrying a musket.' 'I hope not,' replied +the Major, as he walked out intensely disgusted and disappointed. + +The real meaning of the expression was not understood till after the +speaker's death. Then, as members of the committee appointed for that +purpose were examining and noting down his effects, a bottle labelled +'Cyanide of Potassium' was found; it contained fully two ounces, not +having been opened. This of itself might not have excited much +suspicion, as several officers were then amusing themselves with +learning how to plate copper and other articles, for which the salt in +question was largely used; but that it had been obtained for another and +far more deadly object was made clear by a book found near the bottle. +This was the last edition of Taylor on poisons. The section on prussic, +or hydrocyanic, acid and its compounds had evidently been carefully +studied; there were many marks and annotations in the handwriting of the +winner of the race in pencil, and one which explained the writer's +feelings and intentions so plainly as to remove all doubt from the minds +of the committee. The words were these, after underlining the quantities +required to kill an adult, 'But, after all, I may not require it.' The +Father of all mercy graciously removed him from the world without having +the contemplated crime to answer for. + +The manner of this unfortunate man's death was as follows: After the +second heat, when all doubt was removed, and it was certain that Trojan +had won so largely, Captain Venables flushed up so as to appear almost +purple in the face. My brother was standing directly opposite in the +race-stand, and at the time watching the winner. He beheld the +extraordinary flush mentioned, saw it gradually fade and pass away, and +a deadly paleness succeed to it; finally, he saw the most extraordinary +changes take place. The officer's face became brown, leaden, almost +green, and at last a little flushed; then he tottered, and would have +fallen but that a friend held him up and supported him until a palankeen +could be found; into this he was placed and conveyed home. Dr. Davis, +the assistant surgeon of the regiment, was sent for; he directed his +patient to take a glass of hot brandy-and-water directly, to be +undressed, and put to bed. The report spread everywhere that Captain +Venables, the winner of the race, had been so overcome by the excitement +as to be seriously ill; that he had drunk a glass of brandy-and-water, +had been put to bed, and was not to be disturbed till to-morrow. Few +except my brother thought that anything beyond over-excitement was the +matter; but he had closely observed the extraordinary changes exhibited +by the poor man's face, and feared a fatal issue. Almost every other +person said: 'Oh, he'll be all right to-morrow. Oh, it's nothing but +over-excitement; he knew if he had lost that he would have to sell his +commission, and have to serve in the ranks, so, after all, his being +upset by his wonderful escape and good fortune is nothing to be wondered +at.' + +This being the general opinion, little more was said or thought of +Captain Venables; but there was great stir and bustle amongst the young +people, and especially amongst the young ladies, nor indeed was the stir +and excitement confined to the young people. A fancy ball, to follow on +the evening of the races, was too important and rare an occurrence to be +lightly passed over. This momentous consummation to the races had been +announced more than six weeks before, so tailors and a variety of +curious artificers had been busy during the month. Ladies and gentlemen +had also been unusually busy. The result of all this preparation was a +very splendid collection of fancy costumes and groups taken from Scott's +novels, as well as from the more sober though less delightful pages of +history. Some of the groups and costumes were so exceptionally good that +they really deserve a passing notice. + +Of these groups Queen Elizabeth and three ladies of her court, in the +costume of that day, with their grand ruffs, farthingales, and trains +were very effective. Their four cavaliers, all habited in the well-known +dress worn by Sir Walter Raleigh, formed a much-admired set for a +quadrille. Queen Mary and her four Marys, with cavaliers wearing +Highland dresses, formed another set for a quadrille, and were much +admired. Another group habited as Virgins of the Sun also attracted much +notice, the leader being Mrs. W. This naturally gave rise to several +facetious remarks, which I leave to the imagination of the reader. Then +after the groups there were several couples, which elicited marked +applause. Mrs. C. and Mrs. M., as two Greek ladies, were greatly +admired. Then Mrs. L. and Mrs. C., habited in the costume worn in the +reign of George I., were acknowledged by all to be capital, and won +universal admiration. Miss S., whose fine figure, beautiful complexion, +and good-natured face must not be omitted, habited as a flower-girl, won +many admirers. Other young ladies were seen disporting themselves as +Persians, Circassians, Swiss maidens, sylphs, and vivandieres, and were +all more or less admirable, and when mingled with the requisite number +of Turks, Greeks, Hungarians, devils, and scaramouches, made up a +beautiful and interesting _mélange_ of characters. But the admired of +all admirers was Mrs. S., in Scott's too charming character of Rebecca. +To very handsome and expressive features, and to a tall, faultlessly +graceful figure, this lady added the appropriate beauty of a brunette. +Her dark eyes were fringed with long silken lashes; her long and +luxuriant dark tresses, partly escaping from ribbons and turban, fell in +natural curls on her neck and shoulders, and, seen through her gauze +veil, formed a wealth of beauty which set off and enhanced the witchery +of a bust that Leda herself might have envied. Her costume, closely +copied from the description given in 'Ivanhoe,' completed the +enchantment wrought by her appearance. Her elegant little feet and +slippers, almost concealed by her full silken trousers, when they did +appear, gave a provoking glimpse of that perfection of form which her +dress concealed. She was by all admitted to be the cynosure of all eyes. + +But where was the Bois-Guilbert who ought to have been her cavalier? Ah, +where indeed? 'Tell it not in Gath, speak it not in the streets of +Ascalon.' The Bois-Guilbert, who was to have been personated by her +husband, Captain S., was unable to stand or even to articulate; he was +lying on his bed, partly undressed, almost unable to move, and in a +pickle that cannot be described. Poor Rebecca! her sorrowful expression +of countenance was felt too deeply to be regarded as acting, or if it +was it was acting with an aching heart. Unhappily the condition in which +Captain S. was found was almost a nightly occurrence; and yet this very +man, when sober, was without exception the handsomest and finest man in +the cantonment. + +The sensitive mind recoils with indignation, disgust, and horror from +the picture presented. God's grandest gift to man, his intellect (which, +far better than any trivial anatomical distinction, distinguishes him +from the beast), wilfully, wickedly, and wantonly thrown aside to +gratify the lowest of all propensities. But the drunkard does more than +this. It is a libel on the beast to say that the drunkard makes a beast +of himself; he makes himself worse and lower than the beast, for the +beast does not get drunk. It is only man who gets drunk; it is only man +who dares to insult his Creator in this detestable manner--who dares to +fling back in His face his best gift, and who thus displays, at one time +and in one act, his disobedience, his wickedness, his folly, and his +ingratitude. And if we now inquire how a persistence in drinking ends, +the hospital, the gaol, and the workhouse answer. While, during life, as +the man pursues the dreadful downward path, he forfeits every kindly +feeling on the part of those who once loved him, and would have done +their best to serve him, in death he is remembered only as 'that drunken +fellow' So-and-so. Some former friend, who knew him before he had +yielded to this enthralling vice, may say perhaps: 'Well, I am sorry for +poor ----. I knew him when he was as nice a fellow as you could wish to +see; and to think that he, or such as he, should be among the victims of +the Vampire Drink, is very sad; I cannot bear to think of it.' This is +the career of the drunkard in this world. What it must be in the world +to come, when he must give an account of his life, is dreadful to +reflect on. + +If the drunkard is a married man, his offences and his wickedness are +greater still; all that applies to the unmarried man applies to him, and +in addition cruelty of the worst kind--cruelty so heartless and so +unnatural that, though we know it, we can scarcely believe it possible. +The fiercest and most ravenous beasts of prey (though not gifted with +human feelings and intelligence) do not desert their mates, nor their +young; but the drunkard who is married not only deserts both, but will, +to gratify his filthy passion, drink away his income, drink away his +status in society, drink away his future prospects, and thus reduce wife +and children from the position in which they were born, and had +heretofore moved, to want, penury and degradation. Still not contented, +but prompted by the horrible love of drink, the married drunkard +deprives his wretched, miserable wife of the trifle she earns weekly, +striving to stave off actual starvation, sells or pawns everything the +unhappy pair once possessed, and the wife dies in the streets of +starvation, cold, and misery. This is the natural result of drunkenness +when observed in its effects on the classes that live by their daily +labour. Let us trace in a higher grade the effects produced by +indulgence in this baleful habit. The drunkard before his marriage +manages to conceal his practices not only from the young lady he woos to +be his wife, but from her friends. He, however, soon shows his colours. +If in the army the natural consequence is that he drinks himself out of +his commission. By the generosity of his Colonel and brother officers, +he is allowed to sell, and the proceeds are made over to his unfortunate +wife, who is deeply compassionated by all the regiment. And shall this +mean, selfish wretch, who has wrecked the peace and prosperity of those +whom he has sworn to love and cherish--sworn on the altar of the Most +High--not be answerable? Shall he who has kept his holy marriage vows by +bringing privation and misery on those who should be nearest and +dearest, not be answerable? Innocence and virtue toiling in distress +appeal to Heaven strongly. Man may disregard, but there is One who will +not disregard--One who has said: 'Come unto Me all ye that labour and +are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.' A mother toiling to feed her +children--toiling in an altered and reduced position, to which she has +been brought by her drunken husband--is too sad, too noble a sight, not +to attract the eye of mercy. If the destroyer has one spark of human +feeling left, the knowledge of what he has done must be like the fire of +hell in his heart and brain; but words in such a case are vain. +'Vengeance is Mine, saith the Lord, and I will repay,' and to the Lord's +vengeance such men must be left. + +The effects of drunkenness, as exhibited by married and unmarried men, +have been drawn from instances unhappily too well known to the author. +Let us look now at the effects of this national sin, this degrading, +despicable form of selfishness, regarded from a public point of view. +What do the public prints tell us? What do we read of every day? Is +there a crime that can be named that cannot be shown to have originated +in drunkenness? Wife and child murder are actually common as one of +these results. The vile husband comes home drunk, a quarrel ensues +between him and his wife, and she--perhaps with her infant, or little +boy or girl--is kicked to death by the infuriated savage. And what is +too often the result? If the human brute expresses sorrow, and says he +had taken a drop too much, he is allowed in some way or other to escape. +Either the coroner and his jury bring in manslaughter, or the sapient +judge and jury, by whom the ruffian is tried, find some legal reason to +let him off, or the jury refuse to hang. They are too pitiful, but they +have no pity for the unfortunate woman and her child or children. +Drunkenness, as it is now regarded, is positively a protection to the +murderer. Let us see how it acts in cases of less enormity than murder. +Someone, man or woman, is beaten or kicked within an inch of his or her +life, and the excuse invariably is that the beast had been drinking. +Magistrates almost always ask this question. Policemen never fail to +state that the man was, or was not, drunk. If the statement is that he +was not drunk, it invariably acts as an aggravation of guilt; and, _vice +versâ_, if the culprit is pronounced to have been drunk, it is at once +received as a palliation. That which in common-sense is a positive +crime, _per se_, is made by irrational custom to lessen and mitigate a +greater crime. + +The plea put forward to defend this practice is this: Would you punish +severely the man who, from the influence of seductive company, or from +any other cause, happens to get tipsy, even if he should commit +manslaughter or other serious offence while under the effects of vicious +stimulation? Certainly not. But this is mere sophistry. It is not an +accident we have to consider; it is that of men who night after night +deprive themselves of their senses by drink. In this case it appears +clear that the fact of the man being drunk is a serious addition to his +crime, as he has wilfully, and with his eyes open, deprived himself of +his senses. This portion of the subject is too wide, too vast, for me to +enter upon, as it necessarily touches the legal aspect of the question; +and there are no doubt numberless legal gentlemen, gifted with fine and +acute intellects, who are fully equal to the determination of the +intricacies and difficulties of the question. + +To the reader, the author feels that he owes an apology for having in a +light work, devoted chiefly to the worship of Momus, been led to say +what he has said on legislative matters; the delict was not intentional, +it arose naturally from the incident related, and from consideration of +the dreadful evils of intemperance, and the defects of the statutes +passed in reference to it. Yet, if from the melancholy details recorded +with reference to gambling on the racecourse, and the miserable +instances of drunkenness brought forward (which, be it remembered, are +cases actually observed), one solitary individual be induced to reflect +on the life-long misery which almost surely will result from pursuing +either of these baneful paths, and he by this means is led to pause in +his ruinous career, the effects of the fault may perhaps go far to +obtain pardon for it. Nor can the author think that because his +principal object is to amuse, he should altogether be debarred from +sometimes assuming a graver tone. Examples of individual sorrows, +failings or crimes, ought not to be altogether useless, seeing that they +are pages of individual history, and all history we know teaches by +example. + +Having now offered his apology, and recorded his plea for a favourable +judgment, his long digression draws to a close, and he returns to the +fancy ball, the description of which was interrupted by feelings excited +in consequence of the condition recorded of Captain S. Let us now forget +the unhappy man, and mingle with the gay crowd. + +It has been before observed that the 'Virgins of the Sun' attracted a +good deal of rather quizzical notice on account of their leader, or high +priestess, or whatever else she may have termed herself. Now it so +happened that this lady unintentionally afforded new cause for the same +sort of notice. She wore, as all the young ladies in her train did, a +veil attached to her head-dress, from which it descended to her feet, +falling in graceful folds about her person. As the room became warmer, +in spite of the punkahs which were kept constantly going, for the +dancers--among whom Mrs. W. (the _quasi_ virgin) had distinguished +herself--the veil became unbearable. Mrs. W. rejoiced in rather a +superfluity of flesh; she was a sanguine, full-blooded woman, with a +large endowment of adipose tissue. We would on no account be so vulgar +as to say that she was a fat woman; all that can be asserted, with due +regard to the _bienséances_, is that she was decidedly, very decidedly, +stout. The heat, the dancing, and the lady's full temperament, made the +veil insufferable; it was accordingly laid aside, then at once were +displayed charms that it is most difficult to do justice to. A dress +laced in to the last point of endurance, and at the back so liberally +cut down that the view afforded was unusually extensive, may give some +notion of the length and breadth of the prospect. The heat, the +exercise, and the constitution of the lady may, to those who have +carefully studied such natural phenomena, suggest that a lovely roseate +hue, a truly infantine tint, overpowered the native alabaster of the +skin. The effect of the painfully heroic efforts to obtain a waist had +produced a strong line down the spine, and had, moreover, accumulated +masses of roseate adipose tissue on either side of that line. The _tout +ensemble_ presented such a comical resemblance to something that may be +imagined though it may not be uttered, that the whole room was in a +titter. + +'Did ever you see anything like it, in your life?' said Mrs. C. 'Why, +to tell you the truth, my dear, I think I have,' said Mrs. O., laughing +immoderately; 'have not you? Think now!' 'Oh,' said one of the young +ladies, 'I never!' 'On my life,' said old Mrs. Fitslik, 'it's like +nothing in the world but a baby's ----.' 'Well,' replied Mrs. O., 'if it +is, it must be an unusually well-developed baby; but I suppose "Virgins +of the Sun" may have unusually developed babies, if they have any.' + +To repeat one hundredth part of the light sarcasms and gibes and +ironical praises of Mrs. W.'s liberality, beauty, and good taste, would +be impossible. The universal inquiry was, during the evening, 'Have you +seen Mrs. W.'s infantine back? if you haven't, you had better do so +without loss of time, for I'll be bound you'll never see anything like +it again, except you go into the nursery.' These, and innumerable others +like these, formed the staple of the chat amongst the fairer half of the +creation, and from these the talk of the gentlemen may be surmised. Some +of the remarks, no doubt, were witty and caustic enough; but as the +author has gone quite as far as he desired on the broad gauge in order +to expose a special instance of bygone female vanity and folly, he begs +to relegate the sayings of the male observers to the _Greek Kalends_. + +The lights and shades of a ball, and especially of a fancy ball, have +ever been to the author, who was not a dancer, a source of amusement. +The wonder, embarrassment, pleasure, and delight of the neophytes, who +made their first appearance on the scene, was to him very interesting +and sometimes entertaining; as were the rivalries, flirtations, +disappointments, and vexations of the more experienced practitioners. It +would serve no purpose but to fatigue the reader to go into the details +of these lights and shades. Everyone can picture to her or him self the +usual occurrences of a ball--the eagerness of the young gentlemen to +obtain as a partner for the valse, or the polka, or the galop, some +particularly good dancer, or some particularly pretty girl, and the +extraordinary ingenuity and tact displayed by the young ladies in +avoiding and getting rid of those they did not wish to have for +partners, and in waiting for, in piqueing or punishing those men whom +they did wish to secure. Bless their sweet faces! all they did was +equally remarkable. + + + + +No. VIII. + +WORSHIPPING TITLED FOLK. + + +The little _plaisanterie_ about to be narrated took place at the house +of the officer whose amiable disposition towards those under his +command, and particularly towards my brother and Mrs. B., has previously +been shown. Fortunately for all parties, the unhappy temper referred to +was not always present, and, as this veritable history will prove, +Colonel G. could make himself agreeable and join in fun and mirth as +pleasantly even as Mrs. B. herself, who planned and originated _le petit +jeu_ now to be described. The frolic was suggested by the extreme love +and reverence displayed by a young lady, then staying with Captain and +Mrs. C., for titles and titled personages. The whole conversation of +this young lady, a Miss Freeman, was made up with what Lord ---- had +thought, or said, or done; and how Sir George had remarked, with his +usual good sense, so and so; and how the young Marquis of ---- had been +so funny about the horses, and how the ladies present had been so much +amused, etc. + +An exhibition of Miss F.'s feelings, likings, and instincts, took place +at Mrs. G.'s house on the occasion of a morning call. Mrs. B., who +happened to be there at the time, and who really had seen a good deal of +high life, was so much amused that unintentionally she communicated her +own feeling to Colonel G., who, we have seen, by his dexterity in +turning the tables on poor Mrs. B., was by no means destitute of +acuteness or satirical power. He soon comprehended the situation, and +did his best to aid Mrs. B. in drawing out Miss Freeman. The +conversation proceeded in a manner that may be guessed at by the +following imperfect report: + +'Well, but, my dear,' observed Mrs. B., 'I should like to hear some of +the funny talk of the "most noble" youth that amused your lady friends +so much; can't you tell us something of what he said?' + +'Oh,' replied the young lady, 'I don't remember all he said.' + +'But,' returned Mrs. B., 'we don't ask for all; can't you tell us +something of it? You surely must remember something, and then perhaps we +should be able to guess at something more.' + +After a pause Miss F. said, 'I remember, amongst other funny things the +young Marquis said, speaking of all the girls present, that "the young +fillies were rather a promising lot taken altogether."' + +'Did he really say that?' asked Mrs. B.; 'very amusing wasn't it, +Colonel G.?' + +'Amusing and complimentary too,' returned the Colonel. + +'He must have been a delightful young man,' remarked Mrs. B. + +'He was indeed, Mrs. B.,' said the young lady. + +'But, come, tell us something more; don't be so stingy with your +recollections: pray give us a little more.' + +'I wish I could,' returned Miss F., 'but I've such a bad memory. Oh, I +do call to mind. He said Miss Marks "went right well on her pasterns."' + +'What an amusing fellow!' said the elder lady. + +'You can't think what an amusing creature he was,' continued Miss F. + +'I begin to have some notion,' replied Mrs. B. + +'Oh, but you don't know what he said of Miss Smithers.' + +'How should I?' returned Mrs. B. 'I wasn't so fortunate, you know, as to +be one of his intimate friends.' + +'That's true,' said Miss F. + +'But,' continued the elder lady, 'let us hear what he said.' + +'It was so funny that we all laughed.' + +'How tantalizing you are! Why don't you repeat it, that we may laugh +too?' said Mrs. B. + +'Well,' replied Miss F., laughing, 'he said "she was bluff in the +hocks."' + +'Said "she was bluff in the hocks!"' said Mrs. B., as soon as she could +recover from her laughter (in which her friends joined). 'No wonder you +were all charmed with him; it is scarcely possible to imagine a more +fascinating or witty young gentleman. But what did he mean, my dear, by +bluff in the hocks?' + +'I'm sure I can't say, Mrs. B.; but I know everybody thought it very +funny and very amusing. I don't think anyone knew exactly what he did +mean, but everyone laughed most heartily. I know I did.' + +'Truly,' said Mrs. B., 'a more convincing proof of wit than that I can +scarcely imagine; it must have been superlative when it amused everyone +though no one understood it.' + +'It must not only have been superlative, but amazing,' observed Colonel +G. 'I only wish I could get people to laugh on such easy terms; but I +suppose being a marquis goes some way.' + +'Very likely,' said Mrs. B. 'What do you say, Miss F.?' + +'Of course it does. I should say it would go a very long way,' said the +young lady. + +'It is greatly to be regretted,' remarked Mrs. B., 'that we have no +such witty young marquises in this part of the world.' + +'Yes,' said Miss F., 'that's what most makes me regret coming to India; +we find no people here with handles to their names.' + +'Come, come,' said Mrs. B., 'you must not exactly say that; we had Lord +E., and his friend the Earl of C., here but a very short time ago.' + +'Ah, but there's no one of that rank here now,' returned Miss F., 'and I +really don't care much to meet those who are not in some way +_distingué_.' + +'That's to be expected,' replied Mrs. B. 'Being yourself, by your +natural refinement of mind, so _distingué_, you would, as a matter of +course, like to meet distinguished people; we will see what we can do to +introduce you to someone with a handle to his name. There are two or +three officers belonging to the class you admire so much about to join +the 13th from England, and as soon as any one of them arrives, I'll make +it my business to introduce you.' + +'Oh, how very kind of you, Mrs. B.! I thank you very much.' + +Mrs. C. and her guest now rose to depart. As soon as they were gone, +Mrs. B., Colonel G., and his wife all indulged themselves in an +unrestrained fit of laughter. 'I really have more than half a mind to +play that girl a trick,' said Mrs. B., 'to punish her for her +insufferable affectation.' 'On my word she does her best to make herself +ridiculous.' 'Several of my servants are sick, including the cook,' said +Mrs. B., 'or I'd give an evening party, and introduce some of our young +fellows as people of rank.' 'Let that be no obstacle to the fun,' said +Mrs. G. 'I'll give the party; do you introduce your friends.' So the two +ladies and Colonel G. engaged heartily in the plot. + +In due season invitations were issued to 'a select circle of friends,' +as the stereotyped saying has it, which included the C.'s and Miss +Freeman, to an evening party to meet Sir Charles Oakley and Sir Hubert +Stanley. Great was the excitement amongst all invited to know all about +the strangers, of whom they had never heard. + +On the evening named, the guests arrived, and as they did so Colonel G., +who was waiting in the hall for that purpose, cautioned everyone to say +nothing if, in the strangers, they happened to recognise faces with +other names than those adopted for the evening. Everyone saw there was +some frolic _in hand_ or _on foot_ (if the latter phrase pleases +better), and immediately everyone entered into it so far as to resolve +to observe all but say nothing. + +Mrs. C. and Miss F. soon made their appearance. Captain C., for some +reason, did not go, which, as he was a man of sour disposition, +inapprehensive of a joke, was lucky. By and by Mrs. B. and the guests of +the evening--or, rather, the guest, Sir Hubert being sick--appeared. +'Indisposed to come, I presume,' said Colonel G. 'So I told him,' +returned Mrs. B. As the drawing-room door opened, a half-caste 'writer,' +dressed in livery for the occasion, announced Mrs. B. and Sir Charles +Oakley, who immediately afterwards was formally introduced to Mrs. G. +Irrepressible was the tittering amongst those who recognised in Sir +Charles the jolly, fat, good-humoured Lieutenant Mac----ny of the 13th +Dragoons; but under Colonel G.'s sharp supervision all held their peace. +Sir Charles was in high spirits, made himself very amusing and +agreeable, and was for the evening a real 'live lion.' + +As soon as the introductions were over, Mrs. B. called Miss F. to come +and sit beside her. Sir Charles was at the time standing near her chair, +and a good deal of fun seemed to be going on between them, if that may +be inferred from the laughter. + +'You know the Marquis of Sevenoaks, I hear, Miss Freeman,' said the +Baronet; 'an old schoolfellow of mine at Eton. Many a thrashing he's had +from me. I was in the upper forms, and the Marquis was my fag.' + +Miss F. opened her eyes very wide, and then exclaimed: 'Oh, but you're +joking, Sir Charles! Surely you can't mean that you thrashed the young +Marquis of Sevenoaks?' + +'Why not, Miss Freeman? All fags get their share of licking, and why +shouldn't he?' + +'Oh, but it's so cruel; and the Marquis must have been quite a little +fellow then. It's shocking to think that the bigger boys should have the +power to thrash the little ones, and actually be allowed to do it, and +in this case to a boy of such high rank--a Marquis. I really can't think +it; you're trying to possess me' ('Upon my life!' said Mac----ny, 'I'm +not') 'with absurd notions and imaginations. The idea of thrashing a +young scion of nobility, quite as a matter of routine, as if he was no +better than a tinker or tailor! It's quite preposterous and revolting, +and seems almost an act of profanation! I never can believe it.' + +'It's a pity, then, you didn't hear the young beggar singing out when he +had to hold up.' + +Poor Miss Freeman! all her ideas suffered a dreadful kind of revolution. +She was in a sort of stupor; her brain was in a whirl. Could it be +possible that a young Marquis could be thrashed at the pleasure of an +elder boy merely because that boy sat on another form? To be called a +young beggar besides, and to have his sufferings actually made game of +by a mere baronet, it was all so dreadful, so astounding, and so utterly +opposed to all her preconceived notions, that she was lost in amazement. + +'You say, Miss Freeman,' said the Baronet, breaking in on her silent +contemplations and reflections, 'that the fagging seems to be a matter +of form. Well, so it is as to the seats of the boys, but not at all a +matter of form as to the smart of the stripes; that depends on strength +of arm.' + +'Whatever it depends on,' said Miss F., 'it's very shocking to hear; but +I'm persuaded you're hoaxing me. I'll never believe that a young +nobleman of such high rank would or could be used in such a way.' + +'Very sorry you don't believe,' said the Baronet, 'but all the same it's +true; and, after all, his allowance as fag was nothing to what he used +to get from old Thwackum regularly every day. Spoony, as the young hero +was then called, used to get it regularly for his parsing, and whenever +he saw the cane coming he used to begin to blubber, to the great +amusement of old Snuffy, which was Thwackum's common appellation. The +old fellow on these pleasant occasions used to become facetious, and, +after his fashion, witty. Spoony in those days was marked pretty +strongly by the small-pox, and whenever the tears filled the little pits +caused by the pock marks, Snuffy used to say: "What, Mr. Puteus, the +lord of the wells! Why, my little conjuring wand is as potent as the rod +of Moses in raising the waters, and in setting the streams a-flowing. +But why begin before there's need? The pleasure's to come, you know." +The reason he called him _Puteus_ was that this is the Latin for a well, +and so afforded opportunity for his allusions, and at the same time for +a vile attempt at wit, _i.e._, to call him _Mr. Beauteous_.' + +'Can it be possible,' said Miss F., 'that anyone could be so cruel, +cowardly, and fiend-like as to rejoice over pain, and make fun of a poor +young fellow he was going to punish? I cannot believe it.' + +'Don't, then,' said the heartless Baronet, turning away and laughing, +'but nevertheless it's fact, pure and simple.' + +Sir Charles then sauntered away, leaving Miss Freeman considerably +mystified, and in an unsatisfactory state of doubt as to how far she was +to believe the various unpleasant statements made by her new +acquaintance. + +Mrs. B., the Colonel, and Mrs. G. were at this time making themselves +very merry, but their conversation was carried on in so low a tone of +voice that nothing reached Miss Freeman's ears. She was in a melancholy +mood, thinking of the sufferings the young Marquis had undergone, the +enormities of those who had caused them, and whether all or the greater +part of what she had heard was not pure invention; and, finally, that +the Baronet wasn't half so nice as the Marquis. But, then, how could he +be, being only a Baronet? + +While she was communing with herself, Mrs. B. returned to her former +seat. As she resumed her place she said: 'And how do you like Sir +Charles, Miss Freeman?' + +'Oh, I like him of all things,' replied the young lady, 'only I wish he +would not speak so unkindly of the Marquis.' + +'I fancy he only tells you,' replied Mrs. B., 'what is common at all our +public schools, particularly if the boy spoken of does not happen to +understand his syntax (I think they call it) well. But,' continued she, +'I don't perceive that you are making any approach to a more cordial +footing.' + +'I wish I could,' returned Miss F., 'but I don't know how to manage it.' + +'I am surprised at that,' said Mrs. B., 'since you have been so intimate +with so many titled personages; but I will try if I can't help you.' + +'Oh, Mrs. B., if you would I should be so grateful.' + +Mrs. B., as soon as she caught his eye, beckoned to Sir Charles. When he +came up to her, she said: 'I thought you were to be in waiting on me, +sir, for this evening; but I find you're a very careless squire.' + +'Haven't you elected me for your knight? How, then, can I be a careless +squire? But _mille pardons_,' continued the gentleman, 'I do confess to +a temporary dereliction.' + +'Which,' returned Mrs. B., 'if I were not most royally disposed I should +not forgive so readily.' + +'I think if I were forgotten so I would not be so merciful,' observed +the young lady. + +'Why, what would you do under such circumstances?' asked Sir Charles. +'Would you order the culprit to be shut up in the Tower? or would you +order him to be beheaded at once?' + +'Not being a Queen,' returned Miss F., 'I would not resort to such +measures.' + +'Then what would you do?' continued the gentleman. 'Would you have a +riband or a silk cord tied to the rover's leg or arm, and fastened by +the other end to your fan or your waistband?' + +'No,' replied Miss F., 'I would not do that.' + +'No! Then what would you do?' + +'I think I know what I would do,' returned Miss F. + +'I say,' said Mrs. B., 'for the sake of similarly neglected ladies, do +inform us.' + +'Yes,' said Sir Charles, 'it would only be fair to tell.' + +'I think,' said Miss F., whispering the words into Mrs. B.'s ear, 'I +would try and retain him by the language of the eyes.' + +'Oh,' said Mrs. B., laughing, 'but all ladies may not have such +proficiency in that language as you may possess.' + +'I have a notion,' said Miss F., 'that most ladies understand that +language, and all, I fancy, do employ it sometimes.' + +'But,' inquired the Baronet, 'what's the dodge? Put us up to the dodge, +Miss Freeman.' + +'Oh, I can't do that,' said the young lady, looking at the gentleman in +a sort of languishing, sufficiently expressive, way. + +He then, turning to Mrs. B., said: 'Come, Mrs. B., won't you tell us +what this knowing dodge is?' + +'No, no; don't tell, Mrs. B.!' exclaimed the young lady; 'pray don't. I +beg you won't.' + +'Miss Freeman is inclined to trust to the power of invisible chains, +that's all,' said Mrs. B. + +'Oh, that's it, is it?' said the Baronet. 'I should fancy such chains +very infirm, and little to be depended on--in fact, I should regard them +as utterly worthless and flimsy, except, indeed, they happened to be +that kind of flimsy that the fat old banker's widow hung round the neck +of young Lord Manners; that might hold.' + +'And what kind of chain is it that you describe by this word flimsy?' + +'Don't you know?' replied the gentleman. 'I thought everyone knew that.' + +'He means a chain of bank-notes,' said Mrs. B. 'A bank-note is with men +on the turf, and other classes less respectable, termed a "flimsy."' + +'And that's the meaning of a "flimsy," is it?' said Miss F. + +'Yes, my dear,' returned Mrs. B.; 'that's the meaning.' + +'And that's the sort of chain that would, in your opinion, be of force +sufficient to restrain a wanderer from straying, is it, Sir Charles?' + +'If it is,' interposed Mrs. B., 'I for one don't agree with him. +Experience tells us that all such chains are scarcely ever found +binding.' + +'But what a mercenary view to take of the matter! I'm sure, Sir Charles, +that's not your belief in your heart of hearts. I'm certain you have too +much chivalry in you to think so.' + +'Well, I don't know,' returned the Baronet; 'I've always thought I had a +great deal too much heart, but at any rate I'm sure I haven't more than +one. As to the chivalry, if we get a chance at the Russians I may +perhaps find out if I've got any, and so perhaps may they.' + +'I think, Mrs. B.,' said Miss F., 'I begin to understand your friend Sir +Charles; he is one of those who delight in making themselves appear +worse than they are, and not only worse, but the very reverse of what +they are.' + +'Take care,' said Mrs. B., 'that you don't pursue that style of +reasoning too far. By following it up you might invest him with all the +attributes of an 'Admirable Crichton,' and, after all, find out that he +is only Sir Charles Oakley.' + +'Oh, but,' said the Baronet, 'she says she has found me out, and thus +indirectly asserts that I am supporting an assumed character.' + +'Oh, Sir Charles!' exclaimed the young lady, 'how can you say so? I only +said that I thought I began to understand you.' + +'Well,' returned the gentleman, 'isn't understanding me finding me out?' + +'Oh, but!' returned Miss F., 'you put such a different construction on +the words; and I never said or thought you were supporting an assumed +character.' + +'Didn't you?' said the Baronet, laughing; 'I thought you did, and if you +had, only conceive how wrong you would have been.' The laughter seemed +infectious, for Mrs. B. restrained the tendency that beset her with no +little difficulty. 'But didn't you say,' continued the Baronet, 'that I +was one of those who delighted in making myself appear worse than I was, +and not only worse, but the reverse of what I was; and if that is true, +is not that supporting an assumed character?' + +'Oh!' replied Miss F., 'you do twist things in such a way, you know I +only meant that you might be what I supposed, in spite of your seeming.' + +'It seems, then, after all, Miss F.,' said Sir C, 'that you have not +found me out, since you persist in believing me to be not only a dragoon +and a baronet, but a chivalrous, unselfish, unmercenary sort of fellow, +with more hearts than one.' + +'More hearts than one was entirely your own, Sir C.,' said Miss F., +'made out by an obvious perversion of language; and with regard to the +other matters, I suspect I'm not so wrong as you try to make me appear.' + +'It's very ridiculous, isn't it, Mrs. B.?' said Sir C. + +'What's ridiculous?' said Miss F. + +'Why,' replied Sir C., 'it's very ridiculous to me to find myself ranked +so high without deserving it, and credited with a lofty, unmercenary +character, because I alluded to the power of bank-notes, to say nothing +of being also credited with possessing more hearts than one; while, at +the same time, it is asserted, or insinuated, that I am supporting an +assumed character. All this is charmingly ridiculous to my mind.' + +'Well, well, it's useless for me to say anything; you will have it all +your own way, Sir Charles,' said the young lady, 'and you have managed +to misinterpret everything I have said in such a comical manner that I +own it is very ridiculous.' + +'Capital!' said the Baronet; 'then after all we do agree, which, +considering that we have differed in everything, is in itself +sufficiently ridiculous, and will, I trust, afford us both ground for +laughter for many a day to come.' + +'As for me,' said Mrs. B., 'I'm sure the remembrance of this evening +will afford me food for laughter whenever it recurs to my mind; and now +I'll wish my friends good-night; and then, Sir Charles, I shall be +obliged if you'll order my carriage.' + +So the party broke up, the secret having been thoroughly well kept, +thanks to the vigilance of Colonel and Mrs. G. + +As soon, however, as Mrs. C. and her charge departed, there was a +general unloosing of tongues, bursts of laughter were unrestrained, and +there was much rejoicing over the fun of the evening, and much fresh +merriment. The next morning, rather before the customary hour for +visiting, Mrs. B. and Lieutenant Mac----ny called on Mrs. C. and Miss +Freeman, for the purpose of enlightening them as to the playful +deception that had been practised on the previous evening, which Mrs. B. +confessed she had originated. Miss Freeman was at first a little put +out, and Mrs. C. was extremely astonished; but very soon both ladies +yielded to Mrs. B.'s fascinating manner and strong feeling for fun and +frolic, aided by the dragoon's rollicking good-humour and handsome +apologies; in short, they were so pleased with their visitors that they +quite forgot every feeling of annoyance, and agreed that as the +gentleman had supported his assumed character so well, he was still to +be 'Sir Charles' with them, as it is hoped he will be with all who love +a harmless joke. + + + + +No. IX. + +A REMINISCENCE OF TRICHINOPOLY. + + +To make a scene is generally considered, and really is in most cases, an +unfailing method of affording amusement to the bystanders, and as this +amusement is always at the expense of the actors, such performances are +very generally avoided. No one willingly, except under unusual and +extreme provocation, will run the risk of making himself ridiculous, +which making a scene almost always involves. For these reasons +exhibitions of this kind are rare, very rare. The fiat of polite society +has gone forth; this fiat announces that performances of this kind are +forbidden, tabooed. Who is there that has not repeatedly heard, in his +or her younger days, that so and so, or anything of that kind, 'is a +breach of etiquette;' 'the refinement of the age does not permit it;' or +'good taste and good manners will not sanction such expressions of +feeling,' etc.? Yet, notwithstanding all these clearly defined laws, +unalterable as those of the Medes and Persians, we know that scenes in +high life, as well as in low life, do occur; and sometimes even in +military life, despite the stringent restrictions of discipline which +are superadded to those already mentioned. + +Having by accident, or by good luck, if the reader prefers the latter +phrase, been present at an exhibition of this nature, which occurred +many years ago at Trichinopoly, and having been much diverted by it, I +have endeavoured by the aid of my pen to present it to the reader. I +feel painfully the impossibility of conveying by this means what should +have been witnessed to be fully appreciated--the looks, the tones, the +expression of the faces, the actions, and the attitudes, cannot be given +by the pen; and in the attempt to describe them, the essence of the fun, +the humour of the scene, evaporates. Even were such a thing possible, +the repetition of such a scene would be tame compared with the original +performance. On all these accounts, I trust that the shortcomings of my +attempt will be judged with generosity and with leniency. In this hope, +I shall strive to the utmost with the difficulties of my task, so that +if I cannot achieve success, I may at least fail with some degree of +credit. + +I shall now, as the first step in the execution of this my +self-appointed task, endeavour to describe as accurately as I can the +actors and the scene. But it is needful for the full understanding of +the comedy that I should also explain (so far as I am cognizant of them) +what the circumstances were that led up to it. The actors were +Lieutenant-General Blundermore Bluster, K.C.B., commanding the southern +division of the Madras Presidency; and Colonel Prolix Pertinacity, C.B., +and V.C. commandant of H.M.'s ---- Regiment of Infantry, stationed at +Trichinopoly. + +The General was a man of large and burly form, six feet two inches in +height, and of proportionate bulk. His countenance expressed +unmistakably the high estimation in which he held himself and all his +belongings, even his goods and chattels--everything, in fact, that was +_his_, and, above all, _his_ views and opinions. These last he seemed to +regard almost as things sacred, and not to be questioned. With this was +conjoined a manner that expressed a sort of lofty indifference, if not +contempt, for all surroundings, both men and things; regarding all those +who ventured to differ from him in opinion on any subject as guilty of +gross impertinence, as well as bereft of common-sense, the fact of the +disagreement proving their folly. + +Colonel Prolix Pertinacity was a red-haired gentleman, who stood five +feet four inches in his shoes, with a broad bald head, bull neck, and +massive shoulders, of greater bulk even than the General's, and of such +corpulent body that he could almost say with Falstaff that it was a long +time since he had seen his own knee. His countenance expressed +unconquerable determination, but was nevertheless frank and open when +not under excitement; it was also evident that he possessed a fiery, +quick, irritable temper, and an undaunted, immovable disposition. + +From these outline sketches of these two officers, it may readily be +inferred that they did not and could not agree. There had been, indeed, +during nearly two years constant misunderstandings and altercations +between them, causing unpleasant references to higher authority. Colonel +Pertinacity considered himself ill-used, oppressed, and tyrannically +dealt with; the General complained of disrespect, and unmilitary conduct +almost amounting to insubordination, and generally of behaviour to the +prejudice of good order and military discipline. He had on several +occasions sent the Colonel home with a public reprimand, and had +threatened ulterior proceedings. In reply to the references that had, up +to this time, been made, it appeared that his Excellency the +Commander-in-Chief of the Madras Army did not take exactly the same view +of Colonel P.'s conduct that General Bluster did; at all events, nothing +very serious came of the General's references and complaints, and +Colonel P. always returned to his duty without having received any +damaging reprimand or 'wigging' (as the phrase is) from the higher +powers. He was advised to be more cautious and circumspect in his +behaviour towards the General in future, and to avoid if possible any +expression capable of misconstruction, and, finally, not to insist on +his own view of affairs so determinedly as he seemed to have done, etc., +etc. What was said on these occasions to General Bluster was only known +to himself, and perhaps to his staff; but as he did not communicate the +contents of all the letters received from the Chief, it was strongly +surmised that these letters were not all sugar-candy. However this may +have been, the general opinion of the officers in the cantonment, and of +the society at large, was rather in favour of the Colonel, although some +took the part of the General. The argument used by these persons was +usually something to this effect: 'Why does Colonel P. persist in +maintaining his opinions when they differ from those of the General? If +he is ever so right, what does it matter? Why does he not suffer the old +gentleman to have his say without contradiction? What can the opinions +of any such grand sample of bombastic self-sufficiency signify?' To this +it was replied by those who took the part of the Colonel that so long as +the General's remarks applied to abstract opinions, or to things in +general, it would be wise on the Colonel's part to hear and say nothing; +but that the General did not confine himself to any such line, or, +indeed, to any line at all, but in the amplitude of his observations +frequently made assertions that bore hard on others, not merely in their +capacity as officers, but as men, many of whom, having received a much +better education than the speaker, were in a manner called upon to admit +his assertions as facts, although they knew the statements to be +erroneous. + +Instances of this love of dictation, and the determination to lay down +the law on all subjects, whether military or not, were constantly +occurring, not seldom to the discredit of the General's scholarship. One +day he downfaced young Arnold on a point on which the 'sub' was far +ahead of him. The youngster was saying something about platinum to some +of the other young lads, who, though they may have been well up in +Euclid, and in fortifications, and could give you back accurately all +that they had learned about 'momentum, velocity, and the square of +distances whether inverse or not,' were not quite so well up in physics +or chemical analysis. In reply to one of these young gentlemen who had +been asking questions about platinum, Arnold stated that it was an +elementary substance, adding that it was one of the sixty-three such +substances. + +'Hulloa!' cried the General. 'What's that you say, Arnold--sixty-three +elements? I fancy your elementary education has been rather neglected, +my lad. Don't you know, having so lately come from school, that there +are only four elements--air, earth, fire, and water? Why, they knew that +as far back as the days of Aristotle!' + +Poor Arnold, not knowing the General's ways (he had only just joined), +unconsciously replied: 'They don't teach that nowadays, General.' One of +the young men who had been at Sandhurst with him whispered Arnold not to +say anything; but he, knowing no reason why he should be silent, replied +as I have stated, and thereby drew on himself the extreme anger and +indignation of the General. 'Do you mean seriously to tell me that, sir? +Do you mean to say that the small men of these days pretend to be wiser +than Sir Isaac Newton, the greatest philosopher the world ever produced? +He never said that there were sixty-three elements, and you, a youth not +twenty, just free from the pedagogue's ferula--you pretend to be wiser +than that great man, and all your seniors beside.' + +Arnold was going to say something, when luckily the General stopped him +with a violent gesture and angry visage, saying: 'Go home, sir, and if +you learn nothing else, learn a little respect for your superiors.' Poor +Arnold was kindly hustled out of the mess-house where this little +episode occurred, lest, as one of his friends from the Land of Cakes +said, 'waur should come of it.' + +The General seemed to be partial to Aristotle and his philosophy, +although he was not able to read the easiest class-book in the original +language. He had, however, made acquaintance with the famous old Greek +through the medium of translations, and was ever ready to do battle in +his defence. + +He fought furiously on one occasion to prove that Nature abhors a +vacuum, and stormed so violently against those who expressed any doubts +as to the accuracy of the dogma, that the innocent old philosopher, who +had been at rest since the days of Alexander, might really have thought +that his disciple meant to harry him out of his grave, such was the din +and uproar made. And when the doctor of the regiment presumed to suggest +that Torricelli had proved that it was the pressure of the atmosphere +that had produced the phenomena that Aristotle had mistaken for Nature's +abhorrence of a vacuum, the unfortunate man received such a torrent of +abuse, delivered with such tremendous emphasis and vociferation, and +such tremendous gestures, that he was glad to make his escape, as soon +as he could find an opportunity, without saying another word. But he did +not depart without receiving a closing broadside from the General. 'I +should advise you, Mr. Cutter, in future,' said the General, 'to be +cautious how you expose yourself to the ridicule of your friends, and to +beware of venturing on such a palpable absurdity as to compare a paltry +Italian fellow, like your Torricelli, with one of the sages of +antiquity; perhaps I might say, considering Aristotle as the founder of +the syllogistic method of reasoning, the greatest of those great men.' + +Cutter departed, after making his salute, a wiser and a sadder man, +whispering to the Adjutant as he went out: 'O tempora! O mores! Well, he +did not eat me alive, which I thought at one time he was inclined to +do.' As Cutter left the mess-house, the General observed: 'What a silly +conceited little fellow that is to presume to enter on subjects of which +he evidently knows nothing! I shouldn't wonder, in his impudence, that +this little carver of human flesh would impugn the syllogistic method, +although it has been adopted and followed at both our great seats of +learning and knowledge.' + +'I greatly fear, General,' said Wagner, the Adjutant, 'that if you +question him you'll find Cutter as much a heretic in this matter as in +that of the vacuum.' + +'Oh, he is, is he?' said the General. 'Well, tell him to dispute the +following: "All men are liable to error; in other words, all men are +more or less unwise and foolish. Cutter is a man, therefore he is unwise +and foolish." There,' said the General; 'let him digest that at his +leisure.' + +'I heard him the other day,' said Wagner, 'trying to apply the +syllogistic method to a saying of some old fellow of Crete, who said +that "all the Cretans were liars," and he bothered me by asking whether +the Cretan spoke the truth. I told him I couldn't tell. "Not tell?" said +he. "Why, if the first proposition was true, then the gentleman who +announced it, being a Cretan, must be a liar; and if that proposition +was not true, then he was equally a liar for having spoken a falsehood." +I confess I couldn't make anything more of it; but perhaps, General, as +you understand the syllogistic method so well, you could make something +of it.' + +General B. looked hard at Lieutenant Wagner, but for a time said +nothing, and then said: 'Well, I'll think of it.' + +Wagner during the whole time preserved a most imperturbably serious +countenance. When the General was gone, Archer, the Quartermaster, said +to Wagner: 'Well, you have the cheek of the devil, Wagner; but take care +that you don't one of these fine days come to grief. I half suspect that +at one time he thought you were laughing at him.' + +'Laughing at him!' exclaimed Wagner. 'How could you imagine such a +thing? I'd as soon laugh at a boa constrictor when he had his folds +round me.' + +'Well, well,' returned Archer, 'so be it; but pray be careful, and +remember that however ridiculous his pretensions to learning or science +may be, he'll be a very ugly customer to deal with.' + +'Ugly enough, certainly,' added Wagner, and then walked off. And so this +dialogue ended. + +On another occasion a very hot passage of arms occurred between the +General and Colonel P. on the then vexed question of the relative +superiority of the two arms--cavalry and infantry. The great +improvements made since that day in the manufacture of small arms have +put that question to rest, but at the time here referred to there were +high authorities and great names on both sides. + +General B., who had been a cavalry officer, insisted vehemently on the +superiority of mounted men, declaring that it was simply nonsense to +dispute the point, and that a cavalry charge would always break any +square or infantry formation if made with sufficient impetuosity and +pushed home as it might be. At first no one, as most of those present +knew the General's amiable temper and pleasant mode of arguing against +those who differed from him, said anything. The General, taking silence +for consent, rattled away at a great rate, bespattering all who could +entertain any other opinion than his own very handsomely--blind and +prejudiced buzzards, owls who loved the dark, gentlemen whose long ears +betrayed their nature, etc., etc. 'Well, at least it's satisfactory to +find,' he concluded, 'that I have knocked the nonsense out of some who +formerly held opposite opinions.' + +This was too much for poor Colonel Pertinacity, who could hold his peace +no longer. 'If, General Bluster, your remarks have any reference to me, +which I can hardly suppose, I am still unwilling to let you think that I +have altered my opinion as to the superiority of infantry over every +other arm used in modern warfare.' + +'Well, sir,' said the General, 'I can only say I am sorry for you; I had +incautiously given you credit for being wiser.' + +'And I, in reply,' said the Colonel, 'beg of you to reserve your sorrow, +as I do not think that I stand in need of it in the slightest degree +while the Duke of Wellington and other great men are of my opinion. You +may well spare your sorrow.' + +The General, under great excitement, very red in the face, exclaimed: +'The Duke, sir, has never expressed any decisive opinion on the subject. +Show me where he has done so.' + +'He _has_ expressed a very decisive opinion by his deeds, General,' +replied Colonel P. 'Our squares at Waterloo resisted all the desperate +charges of the French cuirassiers and other kinds of cavalry.' + +'And if they did, sir, what's that to the argument?' replied the +General. 'If the French had been in square, and our cavalry had been +numerous enough, and had charged them thoroughly home, the opposite +result would have been obtained.' + +'It might have been so, General,' observed the Colonel, 'but I don't +admit that it would have been so.' + +'Of course you don't,' said the General, with a withering sneer; 'I +never expected that you would. But you are not ignorant, I suppose, that +one even of our regiments was nearly cut to pieces by the French cavalry +at Quatre Bras?' + +'True, General, I am not ignorant of the fact; but you seem to have +forgotten that this occurred because the regiment was charged before it +had time to form square.' + +'And I say,' shouted out the General with an infuriated look and manner, +'that if the charge had been made, as it ought and could have been made, +that the result would and ought to have been the same.' (The Colonel +shook his head). 'It is useless to shake your head, sir. Independent of +the common-sense of the thing there are proofs without number to be +adduced that show the superiority of the cavalry arm over the infantry. +You are fond of examples and of authorities? Pray how did Condé win the +battle of Rocroi, and how did he break the Spanish infantry, considered +then the best in Europe?' And with a triumphant laugh: 'Tell me, sir, +how did Bonaparte retrieve his lost battle of Marengo? Was Kellermann's +charge one of cavalry or infantry? Tell me that, sir.' + +Colonel P., however, stood his ground firmly in spite of this deluge of +words and array of facts; and without imitating the General's insulting +manner, said: 'The battle of Rocroi was fought in days when the mode of +warfare and the power of the weapons used was very different from those +now employed; it is for these reasons scarcely applicable to the +argument.' + +The General laughed, saying: 'Of course you think it inapplicable; but, +come, sir, what do you say to the charge at Marengo--was that +inapplicable too?' + +'No, General, certainly not; but it was made under most favourable +circumstances for its success. The Austrian troops were in such an +extended and attenuated line that they could make no adequate +resistance, and the French squadrons rode through them as they would +through a field of stubble.' + +'As I would ride through you and your infantry people,' added the +General, 'if they were opposed to me.' + +The Colonel, whose blood was now thoroughly roused, laughed scornfully, +saying: 'I should be sorry for your own sake, General, and that of your +men, that you should try such an experiment, for you would never live to +try another; aye, even if we were in line; but if we were in square we +should drive you before us like chaff before the wind.' + +'Very good, sir, very good,' said the General, scarcely able to +articulate from rage. 'Go to your quarters, and remain there till I +ascertain from the Chief if he approves of such language and behaviour +to the officer commanding the division.' + +The Colonel was about to reply, when a man of herculean strength, +Captain Carter, Adjutant-General of Division, acting as if by order of +the General, said: 'You are to come with me, Colonel,' and actually by +main force almost carried him out of the room. As he was forcing the +Colonel away, he whispered: 'Are you mad? Do you want to give him such +an advantage over you as will end by depriving you of your commission? +For God's sake, Colonel, collect yourself; he'll stop at nothing now.' + +This encounter between the General and Colonel Pertinacity caused +another reference to the Chief of the Madras Army, a man of great +experience, enlarged mind, and kindly disposition, who entirely +disapproved of the conduct both of the General and the Colonel. To each +of these officers he gave very sound advice, strongly urging on them the +necessity of altering their behaviour towards one another. The Chief +added his hope that he should not again be troubled by any such +unbecoming and indecorous altercations, but that if, contrary to his +instructions and commands, there should be any recurrence of such +doings, it would be his duty to submit the whole matter to the +consideration of H.R.H. the Commander-in-Chief of the British Army. + +As well might Mrs. Partington with her mop attempt to stop the ocean's +incoming tide, as the Commander-in-Chief of the Madras Army attempt, by +command or recommendations, to restrain and subdue the angry passions of +these two disputants. His advice and injunctions, embodied in the words +self-control, common-sense, and good temper, were thrown away upon them. +Both parties prepared long statements setting forth their views and +feelings, and explanatory of their real or supposed injuries. Both +prayed that these papers might be laid before H.R.H., along with such +remarks as H.E. the C.C. of Madras might please to make. The General's +statement was little more than a recapitulation of what he had said +before. The Colonel's was also in great part a recapitulation, one +passage excepted, which so forcibly expressed the writer's feelings as +to deserve quotation. It was introduced as the climax of a long +description of his wrongs and sufferings, and it was couched in these +words: 'I do assure your R.H. that an angel from heaven could not serve +under General Sir Blundermore Bluster.' + +These papers, after more than one kindly attempt on the part of +authority and of friends to prevent their going forward, were at last +sent home, and in due time we shall see what H.R.H. thought of the +proceedings they set forth. + +In the meantime we will for the present remain with General Sir B. B., +and listen to the remarks he is uttering as he stamps about the +mess-room. He did not even wait till Colonel P. was out of it before he +turned to Wagner, and said: 'Really, in the whole course of my +experience, I never knew anything to equal Colonel P.'s behaviour; one +would almost think that he was bereft of his senses. I do not say +anything of his disrespect to me--that must be left to the authorities +to pronounce upon; but to make such an _exposé_ of his ignorance and +want of knowledge on matters pertaining to his profession is not only +lamentable, but in the highest degree absurd.' + +'I cannot help thinking, General, that such exposure is absurd,' replied +Wagner. + +'Absurd, indeed,' said the General, 'absurd and ridiculous.' + +'Yes,' answered Wagner, 'very ridiculous; I fancy we all thought so.' + +'Of course you did; I don't see how you could think anything else. And +before officers immediately under his command, too; it's much to be +lamented, but, notwithstanding, I can't help saying it is very +ridiculous.' + +'No doubt, General, truly ridiculous.' Wagner was now almost _in +extremis_; something affected his articulation so that he could scarcely +speak, and it seemed that it would have been impossible for him to have +sustained his part much longer. Luckily the General himself came to his +relief in an unexpected way. 'Wagner,' said he, 'you're a very sensible +fellow, come and dine with me to-morrow at 6.30 precise, and I'll give +you a glass of burgundy to moisten your clay with.' Wagner replied by a +very low bow, and without raising his head managed to get out, 'Very +happy, General.' Then waving his hand to all present with a 'Good +morning, gentlemen,' the General departed. + +As soon as his carriage drove off every soul in the mess-room indulged +in repeated bursts of laughter; Wagner more uproariously than any of +them. After the cachinnation had subsided, one of them said: 'There must +be something in your face, Wagner, that fascinates and blinds old B., or +he certainly would have seen that you were laughing at him; this is the +second time you've done it.' + +'And,' continued Wagner, 'got an invitation to drink burgundy to reward +me; but it's not my face, man, fascinating as it may be, that has done +it; it's his own superlative conceit and ignorance that have blinded +him. But, by Jove! I was nearly overpowered this time. I don't think I +could have kept my countenance another minute to save my existence.' + +'Don't tempt fate again, that's my advice,' replied his friend. 'Drink +the old fellow's burgundy whenever he gives you the chance, but don't +laugh at him before his face any more; for, if he detects you, you'll +find he'll ruin you; conceited and of meagre attainments though he may +be, he knows military law, and how to work it against anyone who offends +him. Men of his stamp, who have little or nothing but their physical +strength to boast of, never forget or forgive being laughed at. He never +stopped till he got poor Banter out of the service. Remember, it's not +worth while to give up your commission for a laugh.' + +'Well, Archer, I am schooled, and promise to be careful, and, as you +advise, never to laugh at him again before his face. Good manners be my +speed; but you don't object to my doing it behind his back, that's some +comfort.' + +'So ho!' said Archer, 'you're quibbling. I want you to keep out of +danger; you know best whether laughing under any circumstances at a man +like that, considering his and your position, will help you to keep out +of danger.' + +'Amen, so be it!' said Wagner. 'I'll henceforth be as grave as an owl, +and as silent as a clock that isn't wound up.' So ended the colloquy +between the young Adjutant and his friend Archer. + +Shortly after the scene just described, General B. was ordered to act +for General Somers in the Presidency Division. This was joyful news to +all stationed in the Southern Division, and the reverse to those +stationed in the Presidency Division. + +Within a month after General Bluster had taken up the command at the +Presidency, the season for making his tour of inspection arrived, and he +accordingly visited in succession all the stations within his range; +amongst the rest that of Wallajahbad, forty miles from Madras, but once +a frontier station, at the time spoken of merely a sick depôt for the +Company's invalid officers and Sepoys, who had returned sick from +foreign service, or for troops suffering from fever and other complaints +which induced the medical officers of their regiments to recommend them +a change of climate. + +When the General visited this cantonment there were only two effective +officers in the station, the Doctor and the cantonment Adjutant; the two +others were non-effective--invalids, Colonel H., commanding the +cantonment, and Lieutenant C., who sometimes put the company of invalid +Sepoys stationed there through their drill. The Doctor and the Adjutant +had work enough on their hands, as there were often 600 men on the sick +list, sometimes more than 1,000; but no other person had anything beyond +the slightest routine work to do, and very little of that. Colonel H., +though married, was a man who thought of little else than gratifying his +animal passions--_more canino_, the expression of his features plainly +demonstrated these propensities, and his language, which was scarcely +ever anything but obscene, fully confirmed the facial indication. + +On the occasion of the General's advent, this pleasant gentleman invited +the Doctor and his wife and Lieutenant C. to dine with him, to meet the +General. I give these paltry details because it affords the reader an +opportunity of seeing General B. in private society, and in the company +of ladies. Mrs. H., during the dinner, and as long as she stayed +afterwards, said very little. Colonel H. said nothing, except to agree +with the General whatever the subject or statement might be. The +Doctor's wife was the only person who maintained anything that might be +called general conversation. The Doctor himself at first said very +little, having had at his hospital a small sample of General B.'s +amiable temper and manner. + +This little display arose thus: The General asked how many sick he had +(the report had been placed in his hands almost immediately after he +reached the hospital; this he did not look at, but after folding it up +placed it in a letter-case carried by an orderly). The Doctor answered: +'Nearly 700, General.' 'What do you mean by nearly, sir?' said the +questioner. 'Answer my question, and state the precise number.' 'Six +hundred and seventy-nine, sir,' replied the surgeon. 'How can that be, +sir? You have nothing like that number in hospital.' 'No, General, only +130, which is all the hospital will hold without injurious crowding.' +'Oh, that's all it will hold, is it? But I see some empty beds; how do +you account for that?' 'Patients dismissed this morning, General.' 'But +you say you have near 700 sick, and only 130 in hospital; what do you do +with the 500 and odd remaining?' 'They are on the convalescent list, +General.' 'On the convalescent list! I ask you what you do with them.' +'They live in the Lines, General.' 'And do you visit them in the Lines?' +'When any of them are ill enough to require visiting in the Lines I do +visit them, and then send them into hospital. Those who suffer from +chronic ailments, or from debility, attend at the hospital as desired.' +'As desired!' repeated the General. 'Pray, sir, what kind of phrase is +that? What am I to understand by it?' 'As often as is considered +desirable, General.' 'D----n it, sir, what _do_ you mean? Do you mean +once a day, or every other day, or twice a week? What do you mean? Why +don't you try and speak plain English?' 'Some of them do come every +morning, some every other morning, some twice a week, and some once a +week,' replied the Doctor. 'Upon my word, sir, you have a nice way of +doing your duty, seeing your patients once a week, and the others as you +please, in order to shuffle through your work with the least trouble to +yourself.' 'Pardon me, General. I try to do my work conscientiously, +without any reference to personal trouble.' 'No, sir, I won't pardon +you; but I'll make you do your duty as it ought to be done. Now mind, +sir, I will not allow any convalescent list, and you see every one of +your patients every day. Mind that, sir.' 'Very good, General, but where +am I to see them? The hospital will not hold more than 130.' 'Don't +attempt to make idle objections, sir; it's your business to find a place +to put your patients in. Indent on the commissariat for hospital tents. +Ask the cantonment Adjutant for help; he can, I dare say, find some +unoccupied building, or can obtain the use of tents. What do you say, +Adjutant?' 'It was formerly, General, the practice to use tents for this +sick-depôt, but when the hospital was built this practice was ordered to +be discontinued, as the outlay for the purchase and wear and tear of +tents was very considerable.' 'And pray, Adjutant,' said the General, +looking disgusted, 'why did you not tell me that before?' 'This is the +first opportunity I've had to tell it, General.' 'Well, however it is +managed I will allow no convalescent list. You, sir,' turning to the +Doctor, 'do you hear that?' 'I hear, General.' 'And mind you obey it, or +it will be worse for you.' The Doctor bowed, but made no reply. + +The General then departed with Colonel H. The cantonment Adjutant +lingered behind to whisper to the Doctor: 'Don't be uneasy; you'll see +this will be only a flash in the pan. The good folks at headquarters +won't sanction the extra expenditure that this impracticable old +gentleman wishes to lead them into. He wants to make the regulations for +effective men applicable to a sick-depôt, and you'll see he'll be +overruled. Good-bye.' + +With the remembrance of the General's pleasant manner in the morning +fresh in his mind, it is not to be wondered at that the Doctor was +taciturn during the dinner; but being an easy, good-tempered little +fellow, he accepted the General's challenge to a glass of wine as a sort +of apology for his rudeness at hospital, and began to keep his thoughts +under less restraint; and as the wine circulated after the departure of +the ladies, the conversation turned on the behaviour of a certain +General Lloyd. This, not supposing he should give offence, the Doctor +condemned from beginning to end somewhat freely. Whether it was that +General Lloyd was a countryman, or whether the wine began to tell, or +whether it was merely the inherent temper of the man which excited his +determination to lay down the law on all subjects, or, as his victim, +poor Banter, said of him, that 'he would not allow anyone to call his +soul his own,' I am not able to explain; but certain it is that the +Doctor's expression of opinion excited his anger and indignation in a +high degree, which he gave vent to in the following manner: + +'On my life, sir, you are a modest young man,' was his opening speech, +which he continued thus: 'Your own profession and your own duties are +not enough for you to attend to, but you must entertain your seniors and +superior military men, whose experience and rank and knowledge of +military matters should give some assurance of their competence to +understand and judge in such a case, with your sapient notions; you must +give them your views and opinions, and on matters which neither your +education nor training can possibly give you the means of judging or +criticising justly. In taking upon you to pronounce on the conduct of a +General of Division, in the presence of an officer of equal rank, you +assume a position that is highly disrespectful and offensive, and in +doing so you have exhibited your ignorance no less than your conceit and +presumption. You, a subaltern, not a military man even of the lowest +grade; you, who are merely a carver of human flesh, your assurance is +astounding!' + +The Doctor, who had until now exhibited remarkable command of temper, +could bear no more. He said: 'General, I thought I was at a private +party, where freedom of opinion was allowed, and not in the +orderly-room, in speaking of General Lloyd. I meant no offence to +anyone; certainly not to you. If I have given you offence, I regret it; +it was wholly unintentional. With reference to being a carver of human +flesh, I do dissect or carve, as you please to term it, dead human flesh +to learn to heal and cure live human flesh. But are not those who wield +the sabre only to maim and kill live human beings more truly carvers of +human flesh than medical men are?' + +The General absolutely foamed at the mouth with rage and fury. He had +been a dragoon, and had on several occasions wielded his sabre with most +unsparing vigour; he therefore felt the retort keenly. His eyes glared, +and he looked like a tiger going to spring. Whether he would have +proceeded to assault and battery is uncertain; but Colonel H., going at +this moment round to the Doctor, said: 'I have forgotten Mrs. H.'s +request--I ought to have told you before--that she is by no means well, +and wishes to see you as soon as you can leave the table. She was ill +before she rose from her place; pray go at once.' Accordingly the Doctor +left the table at once. + +Having seen General B. in the mess-room, at the hospital, and in +private society, we trace him again to Trichinopoly, and again in the +mess-room of H.M.'s ---- Regiment. He had returned to his old division +when relieved from acting in the Presidency Division by the return of +General Somers, and we find him again in the mess-room, where all his +old acquaintances and Colonel P. were assembled, in order to hear the +decision of H.R.H. the Commander-in-Chief of H.M.'s Forces. It was to be +read out in the presence of all officers bearing H.M.'s commission who +might at the time be in Trichinopoly. + +This decision of H.R.H. was just what might have been expected--calm, +wise, authoritative, and, though severely minatory, in the end +generously lenient. It was too long to be given verbatim, or even in +detail; a brief abstract is all that can be attempted. It expressed the +extreme displeasure of the Chief towards both the General and Colonel +P., and his surprise that senior officers should not know how to +restrain their irascible feelings towards one another when they must be +aware that concord and harmony were essential to the preservation of +discipline and the welfare of the service at large. So strongly did +H.R.H. condemn such evil example that he had determined to remove both +offenders from the army, and nothing but the fact that they had both +fought and bled for their sovereign and their country induced him to +forego the infliction of a punishment which was fully deserved. H.R.H. +added that he felt offended and indignant that his time should have been +taken up in reading long statements relating to such trivial matters as +personal disputes. He was resolved that nothing of the kind should occur +again without bringing down immediate removal from the service. He had +been asked for a decision on the merits of the case. He would give no +such decision. He found so much to blame in the conduct of both officers +that he would not waste his time in sifting and weighing their conduct +so as to determine which of them had behaved the worse. He enjoined +strict attention to the advice offered some time previously by the +Commander-in-Chief of the Madras Army, and especially to that contained +in a letter from that officer under date so-and-so. Finally, that he +should regard a strict adherence to those recommendations as indicative +of a desire to carry out his injunction to preserve discipline and +concord, and vice-versâ in the case of any departure from, or any +non-adherence to, them. He concluded by informing them that their +conduct would be under strict supervision for some time to come. + +When the General ceased there was a stir, and evident rejoicing amongst +all present. The admirable sense and sound logic of the despatch, with +the extreme kindness and leniency of the decision, was the theme of +eulogy with all, and warm congratulations, both to the General and +Colonel P., were offered by all who were on terms to do so. + +After the excitement had a little subsided, the scene occurred which led +the writer (who was _en route_ to Madras, halting three days at +Trichinopoly) to investigate and make inquiries. Thus he became +acquainted with the antecedents of the officers who figured in it. + +It commenced in this way: The General, after having read out the C.C.'s +communication, continued for some minutes silent, walking up and down +with the despatch in his hand. At length he stopped, and spoke to the +following effect: + +'Gentlemen, I can fully understand the generosity of H.R.H. as shown in +this despatch. I admire and appreciate his delicacy and his kindness. He +would give no decision on the merits of the case. No, no; how could he, +having in his magnanimous clemency decided not to inflict the punishment +due to ill-regulated and ill-considered behaviour?' (Sensation amongst +the officers present). 'For myself, gentlemen, I am quite willing and +content to bear the share of blame that has been awarded to me, in the +thought that, by doing so, I have helped a brother officer out of a very +dangerous position.' Signs of impatience on the part of Colonel +Pertinacity, of which the General took no notice, but continued thus: +'Yes, gentlemen, I say, under the circumstances adverted to, I +willingly--nay, cheerfully--accept the share of blame attributed to me, +and am resolved to set the example in obeying and following out the +advice tendered by his Excellency the C.C. of this army, especially +since my attention has been so pointedly directed to it by the +recommendation of H.R.H. + +'Colonel Pertinacity, you have heard what H.E. the C.C. of Madras says, +and also what H.R.H. says respecting it? I trust you will meet me half +way in showing obedience to it.' + +'Most certainly, General B. I shall pay the strictest obedience to it, +in spite of the one-sided remarks you have thought proper to make in +your present address, in which, I must in my own defence say, you were +not borne out by the despatch you hold in your hand.' + +'Oh, Colonel P!--Colonel P.! is this the way you carry out H.R.H.'s +instructions? You provoke me beyond endurance; but I will not say +another word that is calculated to bring on a rejoinder. In spite of +what has been said, I believe you do mean to obey H.R.H., therefore I +offer you my hand.' + +Now, to the understanding of the pantomime that followed it is needful +to state that the General stood at the top of the room, and on either +side stood seven or eight officers disposed according to their rank. On +the right hand, at the head of those on that side, stood Colonel P., +distant from the General about three paces. The General, holding out +his hand, made a step towards the Colonel, repeating: 'Colonel P., here +is my hand.' But the Colonel made no sign of acceptance, and when the +General approached nearer to him, he put his hands behind him, and, as +the General followed him, backed down the room in that position, bowing +to the General, and saying as he did so: 'You must excuse me, General +B.; I cannot take your hand.' + +'Come, Colonel. What, will you not obey the orders of H.R.H.? Come.' + +'No, General B.; I cannot take your hand. I am nowhere called upon to do +that by H.R.H., but I will obey to the last point all I am called upon +to do.' + +The moving scene continued, both the retreat and advance, and appeared +to the lookers on so intensely comical that they scarcely dared to look +at one another. + +While the retreating Colonel was reiterating his determination to obey +the orders of H.R.H., and exclaiming: 'I will obey--indeed I will. On my +honour, General, I will obey!' Wagner whispered to the officer standing +nearest to him: 'Private theatricals--kiss and be friends. Acted for the +first time by field officers for the amusement of a select audience.' + +'Hush! Hush!' said Archer. + +By this time the two performers had approached the lower end of the +room, where Wagner was standing; the short, fat Colonel, with his hands +behind him, his dress coat-tails spread, one on either side of that +portion of his person rendered prominent by his bowing posture, and not +posterior but anterior by the back step mode of progression. The sight +presented was altogether too much for Wagner's equanimity. He again +whispered to Archer: 'Heaven preserve us! I have served in the trenches +at Sebastopol, and thought I was acquainted with every kind of explosive +missile, bomb, and shell in use; but anything so large and formidable +as that now slowly ricochetting this way I never beheld. Pray God its +force is spent. If an accident should occur, only think what would be +our fate!' + +'Hold still, Wagner! Will you never get sense?' retorted his friend. + +At this point the General, beginning to perceive the absurdity of the +situation, ceased to advance, and, drawing himself up stiffly, said: +'You refuse my hand, Colonel Pertinacity? So be it, then; you ought to +know the responsibility you incur by this line of conduct, and I shall +press you no further. I waived my rank for the sake of peace, and to set +you an example which, I am sorry to see, you are unable to appreciate.' +So saying, and with a salute to all present, he marched off, as Archer +said, 'with the honours of war.' + +'No, no,' said Wagner. 'With the honours of peace. And a more +entertaining _piece_ I must confess I never witnessed. What I endured in +conquering my desire to laugh no one can imagine; but, say as you will, +I don't believe all the sufferings of all the martyrs were anything to +be compared to it.' + +These private theatricals were, so far as ever I could learn, never made +known officially to headquarters; but it was strongly suspected that the +details of the performance somehow or other oozed out, and found their +way to the ears of authority, for within a week after the date on which +this remarkable _pas de deux_ had been exhibited in the mess-house at +Trichinopoly, General Somers was posted to the Mysore Division, and +General B. was appointed to the Presidency Division, as it was said, +that he might be under the eye of the C.C., on the principle that +induces men to put a severe muzzle on a savage and intractable dog. +Colonel Pertinacity was, not many months afterwards, placed in command +of a regiment ordered to the West Indies. + + + + +No. X. + +CURIOUS MOPLAH CUSTOMS. + + +The deed of violence which forms the basis of this narrative took place +at Tollicherry, or rather in that district. How it was that my brother +came to be stationed there will appear in due course. We left him at +Bangalore, from whence he marched with his regiment to Secunderabad. He +had not been there many months when an order was received directing the +regiment to proceed with all possible speed to Scinde, where troops were +urgently required. Some weeks before the order in question reached +Secunderabad, my brother, finding that the climate of the Deccan did not +agree with him, had applied for and obtained medical charge of the +Zillah of Tollicherry; but as soon as he heard there was a chance of +being engaged in active service, he had applied for permission to throw +up the Zillah and to proceed with his regiment, and this was granted. He +had, consequently, marched with the regiment from Secunderabad to +Doolia, a distance of 600 miles, on the road for Scinde. The men had +shown the best spirit, urged by their officers to do their utmost, and +knowing that they were going to serve under Sir Charles Napier. They had +accomplished the distance in an incredibly short period, but all their +exertions, as it turned out, were of no avail. Sir Charles had fought +his grand battle of Miani, and the regiment was no longer wanted. + +With this chilling news came the order to halt and to divide. One wing +was to remain at Doolia, the other to proceed to Assurghur. There never +was such a melancholy change among officers and men as that produced by +this order. Previous to its receipt there was not an officer or man on +sick report; all were in the highest spirits, and, in spite of fatigue, +earnest to get on, lively, cheerful, and happy. In a few hours there was +neither a happy face nor a cheerful voice to be seen or heard. +Disappointment, vexation, and dejection were on every countenance. In a +few days half the regiment was in hospital, and nearly half the officers +on sick report. My poor brother had a sad time of it; besides his own +share of vexation and disappointment, he was worked off his legs. + +Now he renewed his application for the Zillah of Tollicherry, which, in +consideration of the proper feeling he had displayed, was again bestowed +on him. To reach this station, from the place where he then was +(Doolia), he had to travel 200 miles to Bombay, and from thence to +proceed by sea to Tollicherry, a distance of about 800 miles. At that +time the south-west monsoon was close at hand, and my brother, +consequently, found it very difficult to procure a vessel that would +undertake the voyage. At last, by paying double hire, he chartered a +_Satamar_ (called by the natives a Fatty mary), the owners and the +serang engaging to take the risk, which in the sequel proved to be so +fearful that it seems a miracle how ship or crew ever lived through it. + +On the day that my brother set sail from Bombay the sky was, after +mid-day, more or less overcast; towards the evening the sun appeared +through the dense atmosphere to be almost of a blood-red hue, and the +edges of the clouds of a deep copper colour. A little later the sun +became to a great extent obscured and hidden by a mass of clouds, so +much tinged by dusky red that the dark gray tone was almost +extinguished. As the mighty orb sank below the horizon, the red, +crimson, and copper tones quickly disappeared, except on the under +surfaces of some clouds high above the sea-line, and darkness spread +with extreme rapidity over everything, while a low moaning and fitful +whistling of the wind seemed to presage a struggle of the powers, which +from the beginning of the world has been attended with such fearful +results. The aspect of the heavens, the moaning of the wind, and the +uneasy motion of the waters, were not lost on the serang and his native +sailors. They took in all sail except a small triangular one, a sort of +apology for what we call a mainstay sail, to enable them to keep the +ship's head to the wind. They then lashed the salankeen to the deck, and +awaited with awe the bursting of the storm. It commenced with a perfect +deluge of rain, blinding flashes of long-forked lightning, followed +almost instantaneously by such rattling sharp crashes of thunder as for +a time to take away the sense of hearing. + +Sea and sky were wrapped in total darkness, when not illumined by the +zigzag lines of lightning. The wind now increased, and the sea became +dangerously rough and angry. Had the wind gone on increasing, bark and +crew must have perished; but mercifully, it did not, its low muttering, +moaning, or occasional whistling note was heard at intervals; still it +never blew hard and furious as it threatened to do. The darkness, the +downpour of rain, the lightning and the thunder, continued, while now +and then a sea, and constantly the spray, swept over the vessel; for +though the wind did not increase, the sea had been so raised, and the +waves had become so threatening, that during two hours, while the worst +of the storm lasted, my brother expected every moment that some +overwhelming sea would whirl the unhappy _Satamar_ into the depths +below. + +The storm had commenced a little after the sun had gone down, and +darkness had covered everything; then the furious rain descending in +sheets of water, with lightning streams and deafening thunder, had +continued at short intervals for three hours, and the sea had got up. +Everything depended on the increase of the wind, and for two hours more +there was nothing less than the prospect of instant death present to the +minds of all on board. Shortly after midnight the violence of the storm +began to abate; the wind, instead of increasing gradually, subsided; the +rain was less like a deluge; the flashes and streams of lightning were +less frequent and less vivid; the crashes of thunder less sharp, and +evidently more distant; but the sea did not go down. Nevertheless the +magnitude and the violence of the masses of water that rose and fell +were less appalling and less frequent. + +It was now about half-past two, and there was an interval in the fall of +rain (the first that had occurred). The sea no longer came sweeping over +the deck, though the spray still kept everything wet, but the worst was +over, and my brother had lain down to sleep. He was awakened by the +serang with a native compass in his hand, followed by a sailor who was +holding up a lantern to enable my brother to see the card. The vessel +had been running down the coast, not very far from shore; but now a new +peril presented itself. + +The darkness was less complete, and was rapidly becoming less and less; +this change enabled the natives to perceive something white not far +ahead; they knew at once that it was the foam of breakers caused by a +reef of rocks, on which if they kept their course they would certainly +strike. They could not sail towards the land, as the coast is rock-bound +almost everywhere, and they dreaded pointing the head of the ship out to +the broad ocean. It is ever the custom with native mariners to hug the +land, so in their distress, and seeing the breakers ahead, they had +come to ask directions from their passenger, though they knew he was a +hakim and not a sailor; but such was their respect for the knowledge of +Europeans, that they thought he must know what was best to do. My +brother at once directed them, in spite of their fears, to point the +head of the brave little craft that had stood the storm so well out to +sea, and such was their confidence in his wisdom that they at once did +as he desired. Having thus avoided the rocks, and seen the head of the +vessel pointed away from land, my brother again lay down to sleep. + +Two hours had scarcely elapsed before he was again awakened by the +serang with the compass in his hand. It was now light enough to see +everything with perfect ease. The sea all round was comparatively calm, +but the land was not to be seen. This it was that had again excited the +fears of the crew, and had led them to appeal again to the European. On +learning the cause of their fear, my brother directed them to put about +and steer towards the land; they again obeyed, and again he went to +sleep. At about half-past six a.m. he was awakened by sounds of +rejoicing and singing, which he soon found arose from their sense of +security, thankfulness, and gratification, at having again caught sight +of the land. The sun was shining with power renewed, and everything was +dazzlingly bright; even the light reflected from the sea was too much +for the eye. The serang, however, soon rigged up a double awning which +kept a part of the deck in shadow. This permitted my brother to take his +breakfast comfortably. About midday they made the port of Goa, where he +landed, but stayed there only to dine. In a couple of hours they were +again at sea, and in two days more anchored at Tollicherry. + +As soon as his trunks were landed, my brother made the serang happy by a +present of 5 Rs., and the sailors equally so by another 5 Rs., to be +divided amongst them. While waiting at the Bunder-Major's office for +bearers to carry himself and the palkee to the doctor's house, a peon, +with spotless garments of white save a red shawl twisted round his +waist, bearing an ebony sort of curved staff covered almost all over +with silver, presented my brother, after many profound salaams, with a +note from the First Judge of the Circuit, requesting that my brother and +his wife would give him the pleasure of their company till they could +find a house to suit them. This princely man added that he had ordered a +suite of rooms to be got ready for their reception, as well as rooms for +the children and the servants; finally, that he had sent two sets of +bearers to bring up the palankeens, and that the peon would procure +fresh sets of coolie bearers to bring up the children and the ayahs, as +well as means for forwarding the luggage. + +On perusing this note, my brother jumped into his palankeen, which the +Judge's bearers shouldered at once, and almost ran with it to the +Judge's house, anxious to be the first to tell him that they had brought +the new 'hakim saib.' On getting out of the palkee, my brother found Mr. +V. waiting in the hall to welcome his guests. His first remark was, +while extending his hand to my brother: 'But where's Mrs. ----?' The +story of the going on active service, as it was supposed, and the +impossibility under such circumstances of taking his wife with him, had +then to be told. Mr. V. listened to the explanation, and then said: 'But +where is she? Have you left her at Secunderabad all this time?' 'No,' +replied my brother, 'she and the children have been staying at Anot, +where her brother (in medical charge of the 5th Cavalry) is stationed.' +'And when do you expect them here?' continued the Judge. 'Why,' returned +my brother, 'that depends, I believe, on the safe accomplishment of a +certain trouble that married people are occasionally subject to.' 'Oh!' +said Mr. V., 'that's the state of the case, is it? Well, it can't be +helped, I suppose; you must make yourself as comfortable as you can here +till the lady arrives.' + +Mr. V. was not only a thorough gentleman in manner and exterior, but +truly so in feeling; no one could be more unmindful of self, or more +disposed to make everyone forget that he occupied the first position in +the district. Frank, sociable, generous, and hospitable, as well as +lively and good-humoured, he was a noble specimen of an Englishman, and +a typical example of the best kind of the old Indian burra saib, a class +that even in those days was fast disappearing, and cannot, I believe, +now be found. My brother stayed with this kind and generous man during +more than two months, and then he only succeeded in effecting his +departure on the plea that he must prepare his house for the advent of +his wife. + +While Mr. V.'s guest, my brother made the acquaintance of all the +European residents at the station, paying and receiving the customary +visits, all which matters of form my brother heartily detested: but the +Medes and Persians of old were not more rigid in their laws than +Anglo-Indians are in the matter of paying and returning visits. My +brother, therefore, obeyed the _lex non scripta_ with as little delay as +possible. He first made his bow to Mrs. A., the wife of the second +Circuit Judge, a lady of whom it was whispered that she wore certain +portions of costume generally considered to be _propria quæ maribus_. +However this may have been, her husband, Mr. A., was a most kind and +excellent man. Mrs. H., the wife of the third Judge, with her husband, +both became valued friends. Both are doubtless gone to the 'better +land,' therefore it would not be kind or wise to grieve for them. + +Next to the Circuit Judges comes the Zillah Judge, who was also a +married man; consequently, to his house the hakim's palkee wended its +way in due course. He found this lady so rigid in her religious opinions +that she would not allow of any difference. On making this discovery he +congratulated himself that she did not possess the power to enforce +conformity; visions of solitary cells, bread and water, and other more +dreadful pains and penalties, forcing themselves on his mind. Her +husband seemed to be so far in leading strings as to have no opinions +except those held by his wife; though, independent of this little +weakness, he was very probably a good and estimable man. The expression +of this gentleman's countenance was, however, usually so lugubrious and +unhappy that my brother observed, when speaking of him: 'If his religion +has the effect of making him as miserable as the expression of his +features indicates, I very much doubt if it be the true religion,' and +certainly the Zillah Judge's melancholy face did _countenance_ such an +opinion. + +It is now time to speak of Mr. G., the sub-collector, who was as unlike +Mr. H., the Zillah Judge, as it is possible for one man to be unlike +another. Mr. G., to begin with, had no wife to save him the trouble of +thinking on important matters, and was as good-humoured, jolly, and +generous, as the other was melancholy and penurious. He was, moreover, +as fond of fun as the other was fearful of it. H., in short, was a +killjoy, and G. was a lovejoy. The consequence of these differences was +that H. was not, generally speaking, a particular favourite, and G. was. + +The list of officials closes, I think, with the Master-Attendant, or +Bunder-Major, as he was popularly termed. This old gentleman had been +captain of a merchant vessel, and was therefore, by courtesy, always +called Captain B. He was a red-faced, jolly-looking old tar, really +good-natured and kind-hearted, but one who murdered his mother tongue +at times in rather a determined manner. The letter V seemed to be +particularly obnoxious to him. When speaking of a gentleman named +Vaughan, he called him 'Waughan.' Or when speaking of several articles +of different qualities, he expressed himself thus: 'Oh, there was a many +on 'em of wery warious qualities!' The poor man had evidently come from +before the mast, but he had the manliness not to deny it, or be ashamed +of it; and he was, despite the murders he perpetrated daily, a sort of +privileged character, and to a certain extent a favourite. + +Those not belonging to the list of officials may very soon be disposed +of. Old Mr. B., a retired civilian, and his son, Henry, occupy the first +place. The father was a jolly old _bon-vivant_, and had in his younger +days, so it was said, been somewhat gay, if the word be accepted not in +its literal sense, but in that in which it is usually employed in polite +society. His son was a chip of the old block, and a bit of a scamp into +the bargain. Mr. G., the German missionary, concludes the catalogue. +This individual was in high favour with Mrs. A. and her husband, and +with Mrs. H. and her husband. + +The catalogue of European residents being concluded, it remains to +notice the Eurasians, the greater number of whom were descendants of +Portuguese and natives. Most of these were mean, degraded, lazy +individuals forming a section of the population not very much respected. +Some, no doubt, were respectable persons, acting either as writers +(clerks), or tradesmen, tailors, carpenters, etc. There were some few of +the Eurasian class descended from Englishmen and native women, who were +also employed as writers in the Circuit Court. + +One of these, a Mr. James, occasioned considerable amusement, both to +the First Judge and to my brother, by presenting to the former a +petition for a fortnight's leave of absence. Mr. James had found out +that Mr. V. and his guest made it a regular practice to take an hour's +constitutional walk every morning between 4.30 and 5.30, _i.e._, before +the sun became unpleasant. The petitioner had made use of the +opportunity afforded by this practice to prefer his request, which, as +he removed his hat and made his best bow, he presented in the form of a +petition, his face all the while radiant with smiles. Mr. V., without +opening the paper, said: 'Well, Mr. James, what is the purport of the +petition?' 'A supplication for leave, sir,' replied Mr. J., 'for a +fortnight's leave.' 'This is a very unusual application, Mr. J., at this +period of the session.' 'Yes, sir, I know it is somewhat unusual,' +replied the petitioner; 'but still, sir, for the reasons assigned, I +hope you'll be kind enough to grant it.' 'Well, what are the +reasons?--state them.' Mr. J. had all this time been smiling blandly, +and looking persuasively suppliant. Now he looked, in addition, not a +little sheepish and ill at ease, shifting the weight of his person from +one foot to the other. At last, he said: 'Would your honour cast your +eyes on the paper?' 'What is it?' said Mr. V., 'are you ashamed to tell +me?' 'No, sir, I'm not.' 'Then, why don't you tell me? The sun will be +getting hot, and I can't delay my walk homeward any longer. Either tell +me at once, or present your petition in Court before the business +begins.' + +Mr. James, thus urged, smiling more than ever and looking more sheepish +than ever, confessed that he wanted leave to get married. 'To get +married!' repeated Mr. V., with almost a scream of laughter; 'surely, +Mr. James, you don't mean that?' 'I beg you'll pardon me, sir, my +proposals have been accepted, and the day for the ceremony has been +fixed.' 'The day has been fixed, has it?' said Mr. V., greatly amused; +'why, I should have thought, Mr. James, at your time of life you'd have +given over all thought of such matters.' 'No, I haven't, sir,' replied +the victim of the tender passion. 'No, you haven't,' said Mr. V., with +renewed laughter. 'Why, what may be your age? It's in the register, you +know, so you may as well tell it.' 'Why, sir,' said this ardent sample +of humanity, 'I think I shall be seventy, or near it, next birthday.' +Here my brother could contain himself no longer, and joined Mr. V. in a +most uproarious fit of laughter. When the cachinnation was over, Mr. V. +said: 'On my word, Mr. J., you are a most inflammable individual. Pray, +how long has your first wife been dead?' 'Nearly eight years, sir, and +I've been alone all that time.' 'Oh, you've been alone all that time, +have you?' gasped out Mr. V. as soon as he could speak. 'It strikes me +that, at your time of life, if you kept alone a little longer it would +be no great punishment; but you ought to know best about that. Pray, who +is the lady who is anxious to have such a blooming bridegroom as +yourself?' 'Miss Lucretia Pereira, sir; her father is a very respectable +man, sir.' 'No doubt of it.' returned Mr. V.; 'but who is he? you don't +mean the head writer in the Zillah Court?' 'Yes, I do, sir,' simpered +Mr. James. 'Mr. Pereira! why, his daughter can't be sixteen.' 'No, sir, +I don't think she is more than sixteen.' 'And you are seventy,' said Mr. +V. 'Well, all I can say is that you are a bold man, a very bold man, and +I fear you will repent your boldness; but I will not stand in the way of +such a courageous young hero. I will grant you the leave you desire; but +tell the registrar to enter it, as well as the name of your substitute, +which, by the way, you have not mentioned.' 'Oh, thank you, sir, thank +you, it's young Mr. Pereira!' 'Well, well,' replied the Judge, 'now you +have got your leave, let me get home.' + +As Mr. V. and my brother walked homewards they indulged themselves with +various jocose remarks at the expense of the amoroso. 'The old idiot,' +said my brother, 'he deserves all that's in store for him.' 'The whole +thing is comical enough, truly,' said Mr. V.; 'but, notwithstanding, I +am, in spite of my laughter, sorry to see an old man, hitherto accounted +respectable and well-conducted, laying up misery for himself at the +close of his career.' + +For the sake of getting rid of Mr. James and his bride, though it +anticipates the dénouement considerably, I will state now what happened +five months after the date of the said Lucretia's marriage. At that time +she presented a little Miss James to her husband, who blandly remarked, +in reference to the occurrence: 'That it was an extraordinary instance +of what does sometimes happen, and of the wonderful powers of nature.' +Mr. G., who happened to be present when the news was reported, made a +somewhat cynical remark, which my brother declares he could never quite +understand, though, in illustration of his meaning, Mr. G. indulged in +making sundry grotesque contortions of his features, and in applying the +index finger of the right hand to the side of his nose; which departure +from strict decorum must, my brother presumed, be set down to his love +of fun, and keen appreciation of the ridiculous. + +This young person's career was what might have been imagined from its +commencement, and more than fulfilled my brother's anticipations. The +wretched old man died within a year from the date of the event I have +recorded. + +Let us now pass from the consideration of the Eurasians to that of the +native races to be found at Tollicherry. The Hindoos there located are +called Nairs and Teers. They possess good features, and are well formed +and proportioned. They seem to have the same usages as other Hindoos, +the same kind of temples, the same division into castes, and the same +reverence for Brahmins, snakes, and monkeys. + +The costume of these people, as far as relates to the men kind, does not +differ much from that of the male Hindoos of other parts of India; that +of the women is a little peculiar, as they wear nothing over their +shoulders or busts. Their dress consists chiefly of a cloth, which they +wrap round their waists so as to form a becoming sort of petticoat, or +what serves the purpose of one. In the absence of any upper garment, +they set a grand example to the great majority of the ladies of this and +other civilized countries, where these feminine divinities use every +conceivable art and contrivance to help to display the last hair's +breadth that custom will allow. + +The dwellings of the Nair and Teer people are pretty to look at, as they +all have a small piece of ground that is well cultivated. They grow +cocoa-nut trees, and other palms, pepper, vines, and plantains; and +those who possess a larger portion of land raise rice and other grains. + +The Mussulman population are not very numerous, and the greater number +of these are shipowners and traders to the Persian Gulf, Arabia, and the +Red Sea. They possess, many of them, considerable property, and inhabit +large upstair houses which, according to native ideas, are very +convenient and highly respectable, but unfortunately are not clean. The +Bazaar men mostly inhabit huts like those to be found all over India. +The dwellings of the Moplahs, a sort of cross breed sprung from Arabs +and the natives of this coast, are like those of the Mussulmans, but +inferior. + +For the due understanding of the tale I have to tell, it is necessary +that I should describe the manners and customs of the Moplahs in detail. +I shall, therefore, return to them by-and-by. At present it will be +convenient to finish the enumeration of the native inhabitants. It would +indeed be a poor sketch of the place that did not bestow some notice on +the numerous pariah dogs that roam about during the day, or the jackals +that do the same by night, making it hideous by their howling, and +dangerous too, as they generally go about in packs, tearing over the +place, flying over the roads, which are narrow and mostly sunk between +opposite banks which are about 6 feet high. In their spring over these +roads, should a man be riding along (unless he is very quick), his head +being slightly above the height of the banks, he is sure to be bitten; +and if it was only ear, or nose, or cheek that suffered, though an +unpleasant infliction, it would not be of any serious consequence. But +this is not the case; these howling devils, in their snap, generally +convey the poison of hydrophobia. Those who get this dreadful disease in +this direct way are, however, few; it comes to man through the pariah +dogs, who are frequently bitten by these mad jackals, and who, having +themselves become infected, convey the poison by their bites to men. + +During the first year of his residence at Tollicherry, my brother +reports that seven Sepoys died of this incurable malady. The number of +villagers and country people who died of it in this time was unknown. +The authorities did all they could to keep down the number--I might say +the swarms--of pariah dogs. The sub-collector, in this respect a man of +dogged determination, was very diligent in collecting tongues and tails: +for every pair of which he paid an anah. This practice was resorted to +every hot season, and continued for more than three months; so that the +dog-days, in this part of the world, last longer it would seem than they +do elsewhere. But jackals and dogs form only a small part of the native +inhabitants of Tollicherry. My brother says, 'I do not include in my +list domestic animals such as horses, oxen, buffaloes, goats, sheep, or +even donkeys, which we all know are common enough everywhere; but those +ugly and deadly things not met with everywhere. In all the backwaters, +rivers, and marshes, there are numerous muggers, or alligators; and some +of these monsters are so large and so powerful that they have been +known to drag down into the water, in spite of the poor animal's utmost +efforts, a full-grown buffalo.' My brother witnessed an occurrence of +this kind, as he was driving in a buggy within sight of a backwater. He +was too far off to render the poor creature any aid; he was besides +without weapon of any kind, though nothing but a good rifle would have +been of any use. + +In the sea all along this coast sharks of all kinds abound; and on and +in the land there are snakes, scorpions, and centipedes innumerable. Of +the birds, my brother says little or nothing, as they did not to his eye +differ much from those met with in other parts of the country. There +were kites and crows, those invaluable scavengers, and many smaller +birds which he did not notice. He concludes his list of native +inhabitants with the monkeys, which were very numerous; differing much +in size, shape, and colour. He describes a monkey standing about 3 feet +high, and black all over, except the white ruff under his chin, as a +very fine and handsome specimen of the race, and of a species differing +from the rest of the quadrumana. + +By using this word species, I fear my brother has exposed himself to the +wrath of the infallible Dr. Darwin, who, in his wonderful scheme of +development by evolution, has stated that the quadrumana are our +immediate progenitors. He has not, it is true, explained from which kind +of monkey man is developed; nor how it happens that there are not as +many kinds of men as there are of monkeys; or whether his friend +'Development' doubles up all the monkeys, great and small, black and +brown, before she makes a man. All this, and much more, it is true he +has not explained, but he has told us that our earliest ancestor or +progenitor is an Ascidian (a cell), and that in a long course of ages, +by the agency of his gossip 'Development,' the cell becomes this, that, +and the other, the penultimate change being into a monkey, and the +ultimate into a man. Harlequin's wand does nothing comparable to this. +To convert a cell (a mere bag) into a man was reserved solely for +'Madame Development.' After effecting such wonders, it would be little +short of high treason towards the man who discovered 'Madame +Development's' powers, ungrateful, insulting, and a _sell_, indeed, had +my brother omitted to take some notice of our immediate progenitors. I +hope, ladies and gentlemen, you are none of you Darwinians; if you are, +what a profane and sacrilegious infidel must my brother appear! Yet even +here I espy some comfort if you, as well as being Darwinians, are also +of the 'advanced platform,' as the phrase is in the wisdom of this +nineteenth century; because then you will have mercy on me, as an insane +person. Almost all murderers are, by the advanced wisdom of this same +century, put down as insane, and are not to be hanged, as they deserve +to be, but are to be maintained at the public expense; _i.e._, at your +and my expense--though we may have wives and a dozen hungry children to +provide for--in order that the murdering gentleman may have time to +repent; in other words, that he may have another opportunity of imbruing +his hands in another victim's blood. 'Oh, by all means abolish capital +punishment!' said the witty Frenchman, 'only let the murderers set the +example.' Well, sir, or madam, I hope now you will not be less merciful +to me, even if you be a Darwinian, than the wise men of the advanced +platform are, or would be, to the murderer. So with renewed hope, having +finished the catalogue of the native inhabitants of Tollicherry, I will +proceed with the promised details respecting the Moplahs. + +With such superlative examples of grace and beauty as those constantly +observed among the daughters of the three British Isles, and the almost +irresistible power exercised by these 'Queens of Creation' over the +opposite sex, we need not call in question the effects recorded of this +same irresistible power in ancient days. Jove himself, it is said, could +not resist the exquisite form of Leda. Troy was besieged for ten years, +and destroyed at last, to recover a matchless but naughty Greek lady, +who ran away from her husband with a handsome scapegrace called Paris. +Antony lost the dominion of the world for Cleopatra's smile. And, coming +nearer to our own times, Diana of Poitiers at sixty, so historians tell +us, retained so absolutely the affections of a king of France, that he +simply doted on her ('doted on her simply' would be the better form of +expression). And Ninon de L'Enclos, at seventy, drove all the young +bloods of Paris demented by her beauty, which, it is positively +affirmed, far surpassed that of all the younger ladies who approached +her. One of the greatest of the Mogul Emperors, Jehangire, was so +enchanted by the charms of a Turkoman maiden, who, when she grew up, was +called 'Mhere ul Nissa,' the sun of women, and was afterwards the +far-famed Nour Jehan, that he committed a dreadful crime to obtain her. +This lady, in the early bloom of beauty, had been brought to Delhi, was +seen by Prince Jehangire, and in both bosoms a mutual passion was +kindled. But she had in her infancy been betrothed to Shere Afkun, a +Turkoman of noble birth and distinguished merit. According to Indian +notions nothing should be suffered to interfere with the fulfilment of +such a pledge, and therefore the reigning Emperor (the celebrated +Akbar), from a high sense of what he believed to be right, over-ruled +the wishes of the lovers, and insisted that Mhere ul Nissa should be +married to Shere Afkun. Jehangire bore his despair and disappointment as +he best could, until, by the death of his father Akbar, he became the +Emperor of India. Then power, united with his grief and passion, +overcame his better nature, and he had the unfortunate Shere Afkun +murdered, and at the same time he got possession of the person of Mhere +ul Nissa. But for years the guilty monarch sued in vain. At last the +lady consented to be his wife and the Empress of India. + +All this proves that the dominion of beauty is confined to no +hemisphere, and specially serves to introduce the present narrative, +which relates to a part of India which, of all others, from the +debilitating nature of the climate, and the peculiar customs of the +people we are to speak of, would seem to be the least likely to furnish +a tale of love and passion. But however unlooked for or unexpected the +usages or customs on which a story-teller founds his narrative may be, +or however unusual the circumstances arising from them, he cannot be +held responsible for the facts or their results, so long as it can be +proved that the said usages and customs do really exist. + +In the present case the Moplah customs and usages referred to +practically obtain over a considerable part of the western coast of +India, _i.e._, from the country of Mangalore, and from some distance +north of it, to Cochin, and some distance south of it. In short, these +customs are known and followed wherever the race has spread. For the +details of the murder committed by these Moplahs my brother's notes are +clear and precise, and for the particulars respecting Aminè after her +return to her own country he declares that he gives the account as it +was given to him by a Mussulman pilgrim, who, many years after the date +of Aminè's death, passed _en route_ to Mecca through her native place. +The Mussulman pilgrim was a merchant of Tollicherry, who, being +naturally interested in her fate, from knowing how barbarously her +husband had been murdered, collected all the information he could from +those who had been about her. He had it written down, and on his return +to India forwarded it to my brother, who was then at Madras. My brother +had it translated from the Persian into English, and has embodied it in +the present narrative. + +The Moplahs are, as aforesaid, a sort of cross-breed sprung from the +seafaring Arab traders and the native women of the west coast. The +children of these alliances settled on the coast with their mothers. +Hence the Moplah race. They are men of large frame, and particularly +strong and powerful. They are either cultivators of the soil, or +merchants trading by sea. Some of the headmen among them are possessed +of large estates, employ numbers of servants, and own numerous herds of +cattle, flocks of sheep, and goats, with some horses and donkeys. Others +possess Patamars and Dhonies. All cultivate the soil. Of this class of +wealthy proprietors two individuals, at the time referred to, were +generally regarded as chiefs or headmen. Both were almost equally +wealthy, and equally looked up to by their neighbours. The younger of +the two, although a Moplah, was a remarkably fine handsome man, +retaining something (though not enough to spoil his good looks) of the +Arab or Jewish cast of feature. He was of a disposition more frank and +joyous than is usually met with among Arabs or Moplahs; his name was +Lutchmon Sing. The other, called Saul Jan, was not so tall by four +inches as his neighbour Lutchmon Sing, but he was larger in the body, +broader in the shoulders, and was in all respects an amazingly powerful +man. He exhibited the reserved, morose disposition characteristic of the +race. + +Before the occurrences in which these two men were the principal actors +are spoken of, it is necessary to notice, as briefly as possible, the +peculiar customs of the race in reference to women. With respect to +property, or in fact anything they happen to covet, the Moplahs +entertain the most advanced notions, and, with regard to the other sex, +opinions and customs that are, to say the least of them, most singular. +Any Moplah gentleman may visit any other Moplah gentleman's wife +whenever he pleases; all he has to do is to leave his shoes outside the +other gentleman's door. When this signal is made, no husband dare +intrude. The visitor may stay the whole night, or as many hours as he +chooses; it is all one. No person can enter the house, nor is such a +thing ever thought of, till the visitor's shoes disappear. Whatever the +husband may suffer, or however desirous he may be of standing in the +visitor's shoes, it cannot be done, and it is bootless for him to +complain. Under all circumstances he must restrain his feelings until +the visitor removes his shoes. Well, the reader will probably say this +is a very pretty and a very moral custom indeed, but is it really a +fact? It is indeed. The reader will then probably inquire if the man +aggrieved has no redress. Certainly he has, according to Moplah notions, +complete redress. Has he not the right of returning the gentleman's +visit, and of leaving his shoes outside that gentleman's door as long as +he pleases? The Moplahs declare that all visits of this kind are +punctually returned, so you perceive the politeness is mutual, however +widely spread. Moplah notions of politeness and etiquette are very +enlarged, it must be confessed, and thoroughly communistic; they have +nevertheless certain advantages. For instance, the husbands are never +troubled with sons to provide for, as all the children are, in every +sense, the wife's children. In fact, no child knows who his or her +father is or may have been. These are secrets, probably known to the +ladies; but no one has the effrontery to make impertinent inquiries, +consequently Moplahs never think or speak of their fathers, only of +their mothers. + +Whence this highly modest and delicate custom has been derived my +brother has been unable to ascertain. 'If,' says he, 'I might offer a +suggestion, I should say that it might be derived from an extended study +of zoology, particularly of that wonderfully intelligent, faithful, and +valuable race designated canine, as well as of that of our immediate +progenitors, the quadrumana, amongst whom very similar usages obtain.' +On this point the opinion of Dr. Darwin would be invaluable. The +suggestion he has offered is to a certain extent confirmed and borne out +by the common remarks of the vulgar, who, besides being ignorant of +zoology, are ill-minded persons, who declare that these Moplahs one and +all are 'dirty dogs,' which it is obvious can only be true of half the +race. But it is wise and safe not to carry the scrutiny too far, lest we +should be led to apply an ill-sounding name to the other half. Of the +dogs of this race it has been already stated that they entertain notions +prejudicial to the general safety of life and property. They never +probably heard the noble axiom of Louis Blanc and his worthy +compatriots--'Proprieté est le vol'--but they certainly acted on it so +thoroughly that to obtain anything they valued and wanted, or that the +headmen whose retainers they were wanted, they plundered or took life +without hesitation. Witness the numerous cases of murder, gang robbery, +etc., etc., which were, at the time referred to, continually occupying +the attention of the courts throughout the Moplah range of country. + +In illustration of the various amiable qualities of these Moplahs, my +brother instances a case in which he had to give medical evidence. Early +one morning the body, or more properly the mangled remains, of Lutchmon +Sing, who has been already mentioned as one of the two principal headmen +of the district, was brought to his door to be examined and reported on. +He found that after the poor fellow had been knocked down and stunned by +a blow on the head, proved by the smashing in of his cap, a severe +wound of the scalp at the top and back part of his head, and a fracture +of the skull, his body had been almost cut, transversely, into two +parts. The spine, with some spinal and lumbar muscles, were all that +held the two portions of it together. The muscles of the abdomen, as +well as the lower part of the large lobe of the liver and the colon, +were divided. + +It was a piteous sight. Here was a fine young fellow in the prime of +life, who was a favourite with all the Europeans, and with most of his +own countrymen, brutally murdered, without any apparent cause. And what +made everyone sorrow the more was the fact that he had been recently +married to a Persian lady, whom, after a devoted court and worship of +more than two years, he had at last succeeded in winning, and had +brought home and located beyond the Moplah bounds in a stronghold +situated in the hill country, but at no great distance, his holding +being within the Manantoddy district. + +It was evident that the division of the chief parts of the trunk had +been effected by some sharp and powerful cutting instrument, most +probably by one of those sharp toddy knives or bill-hooks which all +jungle-men in India carry. The murder, it was supposed, had been +perpetrated at the instigation of the rich Moplah named Saul Jan, whose +lands were situated at no great distance from those of the murdered man, +Lutchmon Sing. These two headmen, it was well known, had been at feud +for a long time, ostensibly on account of some adjacent lands lying +between their respective estates; but it was whispered that the murdered +man's shoes had on one occasion (some two and a half years since) been +found outside Saul Jan's door, and that he (Saul Jan), from +circumstances to be hereafter explained, had not been able to return the +visit. Be this as it may, the visitor's body was, after this +occurrence, at the distance of time specified, found in the condition +described. + +A Hercules of a fellow, named Kulmuck, with a most villainous expression +of countenance, who was an outdoor or field servant to Saul Jan, was +with some others brought up before the Zillah Judge on suspicion of +being the actual murderer, or at least of being a principal concerned in +it. Some parts of this man's cloth were stained with blood, as was the +handle and broad blade of his toddy-knife; his right hand was also +stained with blood, and the palmar surface of the index and second +finger of the right hand were slightly torn. It would appear that, even +before he had washed the blood stains from his hand, or knife, or cloth, +he had gone to the hut of a fellow-servant, a constant companion, and +had there indulged himself so largely in drinking arrack that when the +peons found him he was almost insensible, unable to speak, or stand; and +lucky for them that he was in this state, as otherwise his toddy-knife +would probably have been so used as to have saved some of them all +further worldly care. Even without a weapon of any kind, manacled and +pinioned, the peons shrank from him, and actually seemed afraid to touch +him, so well were his strength and ferocity known. + +When asked by the Zillah Judge how he accounted for the blood on his +cloth, toddy-knife, and hand, he stated that, just before he had lain +down in his comrade's hut, he had killed a shark, and had at the same +time torn his hand. He further stated that parts of the shark would be +found in his own hut, which was not more than a quarter of a mile +distant from the one in which he had stayed to drink. Certain of the +peons, who had been ordered to go to his hut, there found parts of a +recently killed shark, which they brought into Court. The Judge asked +the prisoner what took him away from his own hut, and for what purpose +he went to the other man's dwelling. He said at once that he had heard +of the chatty of arrack, and had gone there to get his share of it. The +fishermen, who had seen the shark caught and brought home, were called +into Court, and all agreed as to the time (about 6 a.m.) when Kulmuck +had been seen with his prize. The peons had accurately noted the time +when they found him all but insensible from drink, viz., about 5 p.m. +They knew well that such a bullock of a fellow would not require more +than three or four hours to sleep off a debauch, and allowing him to +have been drinking two or three hours, there would remain no less than +four hours to account for. The prisoner admitted having been in the +fields, but he said that, instead of having been in that part of the +jungle where the body was found, he had gone in another direction; and +he mentioned some paddy fields through which he had passed, and others +in which the men were ploughing with their buffaloes. On inquiry all +these circumstances were found to be correct, and they considerably +narrowed the time to be accounted for. Still there was an interval of +some two hours, or at least an hour and a half, of which no sufficient +or satisfactory explanation could be got at. The suspected man merely +said that he was in the jungle, looking for a kind of lizard of which +the native hakims make a certain kind of medicine, which they set great +store by. + +The Judge and the whole Court were at fault. The case was adjourned, and +the prisoner remanded. The cloth and the toddy-knife, and the blood +washed off by my brother into a broad-mouthed stoppered vial, with +distilled water, were all placed in a box, and locked by the Judge with +his own hands; then a broad piece of tape was placed round it, having +the Zillah Court seal affixed at either end of it. The Judge then +publicly placed the key of the box in my brother's hands. Finally, a +peon carried the box into his private studio, or temporary laboratory. +My brother then wished Mr. H. good-morning, and went home to set about +the investigation which it was his duty to make. + +This he found very laborious, as the modes of examination were +necessarily repeated for the stains on the cloth, the handle of the +knife, the blade, and the blood washed off into the stoppered bottle. +The last named he examined first, being fearful of those changes which +in a tropical climate take place very rapidly, and so greatly alter and +distort the appearance of the blood globules. By his celerity he +prevented any such change, and thus obtained capital specimens, which +dried on the slides, and were available for evidence in Court. + +To return to the Court. The things to be examined, having, as aforesaid, +been consigned (under seal) to my brother's charge, and the prisoner +having been placed in strong quarters, under ward changed every eight +hours, while the Judge and his subordinates are seeking for further +evidence, let us look into the history of the feud that, it is not +denied, did exist between Lutchmon Sing and Saul Jan. This, it was said, +arose from the rival claims of the parties to some lands situate between +their respective holdings: their claims had been before the Court on +several occasions, and had passed from the Zillah to the Higher Court. +The case was supposed to be in train for decision, but scarcely for +settlement, as it was known that both litigants were resolved to appeal +to the Supreme Court. Thus the litigation might last for years. All this +was publicly known, and it would satisfactorily account for the feud and +the ill-feeling, but not for the murder; even Moplahs do not usually +murder because they are legal opponents. The acknowledged feud was, +therefore, regarded as insufficient to account for the extreme measure +resorted to, and as a natural consequence suspicion took possession of +the minds of those who were cognizant of the case that there had been +some other unknown cause at work, and that to it the commission of the +crime must be attributed. At the same time that this suspicion began to +manifest itself, a whisper was breathed that there was such a cause. +Spoken very cautiously at first, and in altogether a vague and +indefinite way, after a time the whisper grew into something more +tangible, assuming shape and form; it became at last a direct statement +that the murdered man had violated the laws and usages of the Moplah +race, inasmuch as he had married a wife of another nation, and had kept +her away in a sequestered district of the hill country, where he had +purchased another holding, and a dwelling, or rather fortress, which had +formerly belonged to a Poligar chief, who had been a follower of +Sevagee. This dwelling, it was further stated, he had repaired and +embellished for the lady he had brought from beyond the sea. He had also +furnished his house with all that his wife could wish for, and had +garrisoned it with a number of servants and retainers (almost all of +whom he had armed with firelocks and rifles, as well as with shields and +scimitars), so that, his gates being strong and his walls high, he could +defy any assault except that of heavy artillery. + +But why had he taken all these precautions and spent so much money, and +why had he taken his stand so far beyond the Moplah country? This +proceeding was considered by the Moplahs, one and all, as an outrage; an +insult to the men, and a crime of the deepest dye, as opposed to the +recognised custom, for which nothing less than death could be awarded as +sufficient punishment. Several Moplah men stated these opinions +unreservedly in open Court; though all positively denied having +administered the punishment, or having been instigators or accessories +to it. After long-continued denials and evasions, and a most +ingeniously protracted display of fencing, it was at last brought out +in evidence that Lutchmon Sing, some two and a half years ago, had paid +a visit to Saul Jan's house, and that his shoes had been left outside +the door for some hours; this, it may be remembered, has been already +noticed. After this fact had been established the Zillah Judge asked if +Saul Jan, then under examination, had not, according to the Moplah +customs, returned the visit of Lutchmon Sing. At this question Saul Jan +broke out into the most ungovernable rage, cursing and swearing and +wishing he could murder Lutchmon Sing over again. All this surprised the +Judge, but he vainly attempted to obtain from the man, who had exhibited +this paroxysm of rage, the meaning of it. He sullenly refused any +explanation, accompanying his refusal by gross abuse, saying that he +would not eat dirt to please the white Kafirs, the Shitan ka butchey +logue, the heirs of jehanum, etc., and much more to the same purpose, no +less obscene than malicious. + +On inquiry from the old men about the Court who had been longest on that +coast, and who best understood the Moplah modes of reasoning and +feeling, it appeared that the rage of Saul Jan was excited by the +knowledge that Lutchmon Sing had married, but had kept his wife beyond +Moplah bounds, and had, moreover, so secured her that no one could gain +access to her dwelling; and therefore Saul Jan considered that he had +been defrauded of his rights in being denied access to the wife of +Lutchmon Sing, after that Kafir (as Saul Jan expressed it) had made his +(Saul Jan's) wife his servant. + +In vain it was pointed out that as Lutchmon Sing's wife had come from +beyond sea, she could not be a Moplah, and would not, therefore, be +willing to submit to Moplah customs; this, and other such arguments +intended to bring the savage to a more reasonable state of mind, only +served to elicit fresh bursts of rage and envy, till it was deemed +needful to remove him, and to place fetters on his limbs. + +These exhibitions of fury and desire for revenge on account of a +supposed injury not only showed that there was a sufficient cause to +account for such a deed of violence, but pointed to the man who had +committed or instigated it, and strongly confirmed the suspicions +generally entertained. Still, there was nothing that could be regarded +as legal proof. To confine the man, and look for further evidence, was +all that could be done. + +Evidence came somewhat unexpectedly to disprove part of Kulmuck's +statement, but nothing positive to connect either him or his master with +the murder. The evidence alluded to was my brother's report of his +examination of cloth, knife, and blood washed off his hand. Each of +these had been carefully examined chemically. Albumen, fibrin, and iron +were shown to be present. Thus the chemical tests agreed with and +confirmed the evidence afforded by the sensible tests--_i.e._, the +sight, the odour, and the taste. These were decisive as to the presence +of blood. But what blood? This was the question. Fortunately my brother +possessed a good Smith and Beck microscope, and by means of the +micrometer he adjusted precisely the magnifying power he employed. Then +placing on a thin slide a minute portion of the matter stated to be +_shark's_ blood, the rolls of circular discs like those of _human_ blood +were evident; their diameter was also like that of human blood. Still, +as the blood discs of some other animals resemble those of human blood +very closely, it was scarcely safe to pronounce absolutely that the +stains and clots were those of human blood. My brother simply stated +their close resemblance to those of human blood, while at the same time +he pronounced absolutely that they were not those of shark's blood. When +this report had been read, the native Sheristadar, an intelligent and +respectable Brahmin, asked permission of the Judge to inquire publicly +of my brother how he was able to pronounce so decisively that the +blood-stains were not those of the shark. In reply, my brother asked +permission of the Judge to go home and fetch his microscope. This was at +once granted. He also requested that during his absence a little shark's +blood might be procured, if possible. As this might not be procurable +until the next morning, it was arranged that my brother should be at the +Court on the morrow at 10 a.m., and that the Sheristadar with the +shark's tail, or any part from which a few drops of blood could be +obtained, should be there at that time. Mr. H. also promised to be +present shortly after the hour named. Next day, my brother with his +microscope, and the Sheristadar with two fishermen and a whole +shovel-nosed shark, were present in Court; and before my brother had set +up or arranged the instrument, Mr. H. appeared. + +The breathless anxiety and curiosity of the natives--I may say of +everyone in Court--to see the microscopic experiment, can scarcely be +described. The great majority of the natives looked on the whole thing +as a kind of jadoo, or performance of magic; still, their curiosity was +extreme. As soon as my brother had found the right focus of the +instrument, he pulled out one of the hairs of his head, and placed it on +a slide in the feet of the instrument, and then made the Sheristadar and +one or two other natives in the Court observe it. Having thus convinced +them of the power of the apparatus, and excited their wonder, he placed +with the point of a needle on another slide a very minute portion of +shark's blood. This, when sufficiently attenuated, showed the form and +shape of the blood globules distinctly. My brother then requested the +Judge to look at them. He did so, and was much gratified at being able +to distinguish their form so clearly. After the Judge, the Sheristadar, +the head writer (Mr. Pereira), and two or three others, looked at the +shark's blood and saw the globules. All agreed that they were oval in +shape, and not round. Then a little human blood, shown in the same way, +was examined by the same persons, and all agreed that the globules were +round, and not oval; and all were extremely pleased and gratified. Then +a minute portion of the blood on the toddy knife was examined, and +everyone perceived that the discs were round, and in rolls, just like +the human blood that had been examined just before. The same opinion was +given of blood taken from the cloth, and from the hand. Thus it was +proved, beyond the possibility of doubt, that the statement of Kulmuck +was false; and that the blood on the knife, and on the cloth, and also +that from his hand, was not the blood of a shark. Mr. H. was delighted, +and, after some compliments to my brother, said, 'You have rendered us +an essential service.' The Sheristadar and all in Court were in a state +of excitement and exaltation that cannot well be described. They seemed +almost inclined to make a little deity of my brother, and their words +were those of extravagant praise. + +Before my brother left the Court, while talking with Mr. H., he asked +him if he had examined the lady who, after all, seemed to be the cause +of this crime. He said he had not done so for several reasons. It was, +in the first place, unusual, and repugnant to the feelings of the +natives, to bring native ladies into a court of justice; and, secondly, +her dwelling was out of his district. 'Nevertheless,' returned my +brother, 'in a case of such importance, I would overrule the native +prejudices.' 'I will think it over,' said the Judge; and then they +parted. The next day the Zillah Judge drove over to the Circuit Judge's +house, and asked his opinion regarding the best course to be adopted +towards the widow of the murdered man, who, it was said, was a Persian +lady of good family, and who was, moreover, highly educated and +accomplished, understood several Oriental languages, spoke English +tolerably well, knew even something of French, and could read and write +the Persian, Arabic, and Hindustani. She was also said to excel in +music. 'If,' said Mr. V., 'this account be true, she must be a wonder; +and if her personal charms correspond to her mental attainments, she +must be a most bewitching creature, and quite equal to the far-famed +Nour Jehan.' 'I hear,' said Mr. H., 'from my Sheristadar, who knows one +of her female attendants, that she is surpassingly lovely, with a +faultless figure, and silken tresses that she can sit on; she has the +most beautiful eyes in the world.' + +'Upon my word,' observed Mr. V., 'your informant has painted a most +enchanting picture. I feel quite envious and grieved that I'm not the +Zillah Judge. You cannot surely drag such a superlative creature into +Court; you will have to take your Court to her. Pray don't do it +personally, or perhaps Mrs. H. might not be pleased; but under any +circumstances you must write officially to have our permission in this +case of difficulty, and I am sure A. and H. will concur with me in the +precept for you to proceed to her house or castle, and to take down her +deposition, if she has anything to state.' + +Mr. H. accordingly sent in the official letter asking the opinion of the +Circuit Judges, which was unanimous, and found expression in a precept +directing Mr. H. to proceed to the lady's house with as little delay as +possible. On receipt of the precept Mr. H. sent a mounted peon with a +letter to the widow of Lutchmon Sing, asking politely if it would be +convenient for her to make such statements as the ends of justice +demanded, or, if she had no statement to make, to answer such questions +as it might be needful to put to her in reference to her present +unhappy position, Mr. H. adding that, to save her feelings as much as +possible, he would not ask her to attend at the Court, but would +himself, with his writers and needful subordinates, attend at her house, +and there take down her deposition. In reply to this letter, Mr. H. +received a beautifully written note in Persian to the effect that Aminè, +the wife of the late Lutchmon Sing, would be ready to see the Zillah +Judge whenever he might think proper to pay her a visit, and would +answer any questions he might put to her. She moreover begged the Judge +to receive her grateful thanks for sparing her appearance in Court. + +The next forenoon, about 10 a.m., Mr. H. and his subordinates, who had +left Tollicherry by 7 p.m. the evening previous, reached the lady's +house. They found a sumptuous breakfast prepared for them, both in the +European and native fashion, while the lady's butler attended to wait on +them with a dozen servants. Before the Judge sat down to table, a female +servant presented him with another note, begging him to excuse her +absence until the business of the Court called for it, her sorrow and +the Eastern customs being, she hoped, sufficient to extenuate any +apparent want of hospitality. She added that she had given strict orders +to her butler, and to all her people, to supply anything and everything +that might be called for. When the Judge had finished breakfast, and his +subordinates had done ample honour to an excellent collation of curries, +pillaus, etc., etc., Mr. H. was shown into a large apartment or hall, +with a paved courtyard and fountain which fell into a small tank or +basin. The whole space was well covered in, so that the sunbeams could +not directly penetrate, while open verandas all round gave abundance of +light. In this courtyard Mr. H. established his Court, and here, shortly +after he had announced that he was prepared, the lovely widow of poor +Lutchmon Sing made her appearance. An elegant cushion or settee had +already been placed opposite to that of the Judge for her accommodation. +As soon as she entered the hall she made a profound obeisance to the +Judge, crossing her arms on her bosom. The whole Court, including the +Judge, rose up on the lady's entrance, and he, returning her obeisance, +requested her to occupy the cushion prepared for her. She did so, at the +same time so arranging her veil that she only showed her face partially, +yet sufficiently to enable her to converse or reply to questions without +difficulty. Enough of the breathing picture was, however, disclosed to +excite profound admiration, and to charm everyone present. The +administration of the Mussulman oath, usual inquiries as to name, +station, dwelling-place, etc., having been answered in a sad though +sweet voice, Mr. H. asked if the witness knew of any circumstance that +could help him to fix the crime on any particular individual. The same +sad, sweet voice replied that a thick-set, powerfully made man, whom she +would recognise if she saw again, had on two occasions, when her husband +was absent, endeavoured to force an entrance into her house. This man +was at the head of a score or more armed men, and he would on both +occasions have obtained an entrance had not the noise and scuffle at the +outer gate given her servants time to secure the main entrance, every +other means of entering being always barred. On both attempts some shots +and sword-cuts were exchanged, but no lives were lost, though some men +on both sides were wounded. The leader, after the last attempt had +failed, had used the most horrid language, had threatened to have the +life blood of every man in the place, and particularly that of Lutchmon +Sing. She and several of her servants had heard these threats; she had, +though at some risk, seen the man who used these words, having observed +him through an iron grating, while her head and face were enveloped in +a dark cambly, so that she could not be known or scarcely seen by those +outside. + +A day or two after these men had departed, her husband had returned, and +she had informed him of all that had happened in his absence. 'He knew +at once who it was that had attacked his house; he also told me the +object of it, and of the vile and singular customs obtaining amongst his +countrymen. I became dreadfully alarmed, and entreated him not to go +about alone. I foresaw what would be likely to happen, and told him that +such a desperate and determined ruffian as this man, whom he called Saul +Jan, would have him murdered, if he were not himself the murderer.' The +lady's statements were carefully taken down, and signed by herself and +the Judge; then several of the servants of the house were examined, and +their testimony confirmed that of the lady. They also said that they +should know the leader of the band--the man who had used the threats and +the bad language--if they saw him again. This evidence was also taken +down and signed and countersigned. Mr. H. prepared to then take his +departure. After many compliments, thanking the bereaved wife not merely +for her kindness and hospitality to himself and whole Court, but for the +clear and collected manner in which she had given her testimony, he +declared that under such painful conditions her conduct was truly +admirable. As he made his bow before getting into his palankeen he said: +'It is a pity that your husband did not take your advice.' + +Aminè, now that the examination was over, had for a time yielded to her +sorrow: her head was bowed upon her bosom, her tears were falling fast, +and her women were doing what they could to soothe and console her; but +when she heard Mr. H.'s remark, she stood up at once, and said, 'Sir, +my husband was a brave man, and despised the threats of such a villain +as this Saul Jan. As he said himself, he would not be prevented from +going about for any man's threats; he was as brave and noble as the +other was cowardly and base. But,' clasping her hands and looking up to +heaven with her beautiful eyes streaming with tears, she said, 'Allah is +great, and what He ordains, we, His creatures, must endure.' She then, +with a queenly inclination of her head, retired to her own apartments. +Mr. H. thought he had never seen such a beautiful creature--so quiet, so +sensible, and so self-controlled while she had to give her evidence; so +sensitive, so full of grief, and yet so full of fire for him she had +loved and lost. + +The reader may perhaps wish to know what eventually became of this +beautiful and unhappy lady. Her husband on his marriage had made her +heir, in case of his death, of all he possessed. As soon as she could +obtain purchasers for her lands and tenements, and various kinds of +property, she returned to Persia. From the time of her husband's murder, +up to the time of her departure for her own country, she never either +saw or spoke to any one of the numerous suitors who endeavoured in every +possible way to pay court and worship to her. + +After her return to Persia, she so arranged her worldly possessions as +to leave herself but a third part of her income; the larger she expended +in charities to the sick and poor, whom she visited daily. A certain +portion of her means she expended in building a handsome tomb, standing +in an extensive garden of roses and other sweet-smelling flowers. By +means of reservoirs and basins, fountains were always throwing water; +and by means of marble conduits for irrigation, and a score of +gardeners, everything was preserved in the most perfect order. + +Before she quitted Tollicherry, she had obtained possession of the +mangled remains of her husband, and had them embalmed, all but the +heart; this she had so burnt, under the guidance of an able chemist, +that the form of the organ only remained in the substance of a thin kind +of charcoal. The embalmed body she placed in a marble coffin or +sarcophagus, on which she placed, in an exquisitely carved marble vase +or urn, the representative atoms of her lover's heart. On the top of the +block of black marble that supported her husband's remains, and close +beside it, she placed an empty coffin and an empty vase. In this tomb +Aminè spent a large portion of her time, not only in prayer, nor even in +indulging her incurable sorrow, but in communing with her own soul, and +in striving, by reading and study, to school herself to suffer with +uncomplaining fortitude. Her garden and her flowers, when the heat would +permit, afforded her, morning and evening, some resource. Her large +charities, her embroidery with her maidens, and sometimes her lute, +enabled her to bear existence for some few years; but the shock she had +experienced had been more than she could long bear. She pined away +daily, and at last sunk down, without any special disease, to die. She +evidently rejoiced at her release from sorrow, and the last words she +breathed were, 'I shall now go to fill the vacant space beside my lord.' +She had, long before, repeatedly enjoined her people that, after burning +her heart without access of air, the charcoal left should be placed with +that of her husband, which injunction was held sacred, and was carried +out to the letter. She died equally beloved and lamented by all around +her, rich and poor, and was long remembered as the broken flower of +Persia. Around the tomb where lie the relics of this unhappy pair +innumerable small lamps are ever burning, and every day at sunrise young +Persian maidens deck the double urns with flowers. + +We now return to Tollicherry, where Saul Jan and Kulmuck lie under +sentence of death. After the identification of Saul Jan as the leader of +the attacks on the distant house of Lutchmon Sing, the circumstantial +evidence was so strong, and so completely confirmatory of the previous +suspicions, that it may be said no one entertained the slightest moral +doubt as to the guilt of these two men. + +Still, the one link in the evidence was wanting; the perpetration of the +murder was not actually brought home to these ruffians. This evidence +was obtained in rather a singular and unlooked-for way. One day, about 3 +p.m., just after my brother had dined, he was called into his veranda to +attend to a low-caste Moplah man, who, in consequence of drinking, had +fallen from a toddy-tree, and had smashed the upper arm close up to the +joint. The destruction of the soft parts, and the splintering of the +bone, were so terrible that there could be no chance of saving the man's +life unless the limb was removed at the shoulder-joint. This was clear; +but how was it to be done? The practised operators at our hospitals in +England have trained and skilful assistants to control a large vessel or +take up a smaller one, or render aid in any way that can be wanted. My +brother had no one to assist him except a poor half caste Portuguese, +who had never seen an operation in his life. He was willing, but could +do no more than steady or support the crushed arm or hand as occasion +required. This being so, and the man having in a great measure been +sobered by the fright and the fall, and his nervous system not having +suffered as much as might have been expected, my brother determined to +operate at once. In order to secure the main artery (the brachial), my +brother first passed a curved needle, armed with strong silk thread, +from the anterior part of the wound close to that portion of the +splintered bone near to the socket, and carried the needle and the +ligature between the bone and the vessels and great nerves, and brought +out the point through the integument so as to include about +three-quarters of an inch in breadth. Over this, by means of the handle +and the point of the needle, the ligature was turned backward and +forwards, in the shape of a figure of eight, with sufficient firmness to +restrain hæmorrhage completely. This having been effected, my brother +rapidly removed the limb, having only to tie two vessels--the anterior +and posterior circumflex; but still he was in considerable difficulty as +to where he should get his covering--or, as it is termed professionally, +his _flap_--from. He had tied the main vessel _secundem artem_ before he +removed the temporary control, and had then completed the removal of the +limb. Then he cut from the severed limb a portion of the uninjured +muscular tissue and integument sufficient, with part of the deltoid +muscle and integument, to form the required covering. The case did well; +union by the first intention took place between the portions of the +deltoid and the piece cut from the inner and back part of the upper arm. + +My brother kept the man in his own house for about a fortnight, and was +very kind to him. The rude creature felt this, and knew that my brother +had saved his life; so, before he was discharged, he asked to speak with +him privately. My brother turned the servants out of the room, and then +told him to speak freely. + +'Nay, Saib; master has kept my life for me this time; but if I tell +master, will master save me again?' + +At first my brother thought the man wanted to beg something, and it was +some time before he found out that his patient was really afraid to say +what he desired, unless protection could be assured to him. He +repeatedly said: 'Master no take care, those people kill me.' + +'Nonsense,' said my brother, 'what are you afraid of? Those people, who +are those people?' + +'My people, the Moplah people.' + +A ray of light at once shot across my brother's mind. 'Then,' said he, +'you have something to tell me about Lutchmon Sing's murder?' The man +nodded his head, but did not speak. + +'What, Timbuckjee, you don't mean, I hope, that you had anything to do +with that!' + +'No, Saib, nothing at all; but I see something.' + +'You see something! what do you mean? let me hear.' + +'No, Saib, master never tell keep my life, how can I tell master?' + +'I can't keep your life, but the Judge can if you give evidence that +will enable him to punish these bad men.' + +'Nay, Saib, master promise, then I tell Master Judge. I not know him; he +perhaps no remember.' + +'Well, Timbuckjee, I will see the Judge and get his promise, or I will +try to get it.' + +'Master Judge give promise in writing, then he no forget. He give word +promise he perhaps no remember.' + +My brother could not help smiling at the caution and cunning of Mr. +Timbuckjee; but as the matter was of such importance he wrote a note at +once to Mr. H., stating that he had reason to believe that the man who +had fallen from the toddy-tree, and had so crushed his arm, could say +something that would enable him to convict the murderers of Lutchmon +Sing; but that the man was in such fear of the Moplah people that he +refused to speak unless he, the Judge, would grant him a written promise +to protect him. + +After some delay Mr. H. went to my brother's house and saw Timbuckjee. +But he seemed little inclined to make any statement of any value, till a +native vakeel was sent for, who, after a great deal of trouble, at last +made him understand that if he gave evidence to enable the law to act +the law would protect him. + +At last Mr. H. said: 'If I give you a belt, and make you one of the +Zillah Court peons, will that content you?' + +'Yes, Saib, that will keep my life. You give me belt, and make me peon +of your Court; they never kill me. Yes, I will tell.' He then went on to +say, that on the very day Lutchmon Sing was killed, he, Timbuckjee, was +following his business tapping palms, for which purpose he had climbed +up a lofty tree, and was engaged fastening an empty chatty to the part +which he had incised. When he had finished his work he was about to +descend, but he did not do so, having observed two men at some little +distance off, standing at the foot of another lofty palm, engaged in +earnest conversation. He soon recognised the men in question to be Saul +Jan and Kulmuck. Concealed as he was by the leaves and branches, and +remaining perfectly still, he himself remained wholly unobserved, while +he had a full opportunity of watching all that passed between the men +named. He was not near enough to hear anything, but judging from their +behaviour it seemed to him that Saul Jan was urging Kulmuck to accede to +some proposition that had previously been made to him, but to which he +steadily refused to consent. At last he seemed to yield, and then he +held out his hand, into which Saul Jan counted 20 Rs.; these Kulmuck +tied up, after again counting them, in a corner of his cloth, and then +parted from Saul Jan, who took the way to his own house, while Kulmuck +also went to his hut, where he remained about half an hour; then he left +it and returned to the jungle. Timbuckjee did not dare to follow Kulmuck +too nearly lest he should be discovered, but he kept him in sight till +he entered the path that led to Lutchmon Sing's dwelling. There he lost +sight of him. In about an hour he again saw Kulmuck, running in the +direction of the hut where he remained to drink, and where he was found +with his bloody cloth and knife. While he was running Timbuckjee +observed that his cloth was stained. + +This statement, having been sworn to after the Moplah fashion, was taken +down, and Timbuckjee made to vouch for its truth by affixing his mark to +it. The Judge then countersigned it. Now as no money had been found on +Kulmuck's person when he was captured, it was clear that he must have +deposited it somewhere else, and if Timbuckjee's story was true, he had +been nowhere, after having received the blood-money from Saul Jan, but +to his own hut; consequently, then, the rupees should be found there. + +To Kulmuck's hut therefore at once went the Judge, my brother, several +subordinates of the Court, a _posse_ of peons, and some coolies with +mattocks and picks. The whole floor of the hut was examined without +discovering any sign of earth having been recently turned up; +nevertheless it was dug up all over without avail. The whole of the +compound was then treated in the same way, still without finding +anything: doubt was beginning to attach to Timbuckjee's statement, when +someone said: 'Try the roof.' In less than two minutes afterwards there +was a shout, and one of the peons drew forth from the thatch a piece of +rag evidently containing rupees. The little parcel was immediately +handed to the Judge, who opened it before all present, and counted out +the number of rupees which Timbuckjee had seen Saul Jan count out to +Kulmuck. + +This discovery proved the truth of all that Timbuckjee had said, and at +the same time proved the guilt of Saul Jan and Kulmuck. I am glad to say +that both these ruffians were sentenced to be hanged. Great efforts to +save Saul Jan were made by the Moplahs, who declared that he had been +defrauded of his _undoubted_ rights, and that Lutchmon Sing deserved +his fate. And nothing would convince these brutal and savage disciples +of a brutal and sensual creed that the murder deserved capital +punishment. They threatened resistance, used very violent language, and +seemed altogether so highly irritated and incensed that three companies +of the European regiment stationed at Canamore were marched from thence +to Tollicherry in order to overawe them, and along with the three +companies half a battery of Horse Artillery. These decisive and +judicious measures had the effect desired; the would-be rebels thought +ball cartridges, grape-shot, and fixed bayonets unpleasant things to +face, and that under the circumstances discretion was the better part of +valour. The execution, therefore, took place without either disturbance +or bloodshed. + + + + +No. XI. + +AN HOUR LOST AT MR. G.'S DINNER. + + +After the execution of the two Moplahs for the murder of poor Lutchmon +Sing, nothing worth recording took place at Tollicherry during some +months. People got up in the morning, went to bed at night, and ate +their dinners in a very routine, humdrum sort of way, and nothing +occurred to vary the monotony of existence except a new number of +Lever's 'Charles O'Malley,' or the issue of cards for a dinner or +evening party at the First Judge's house, which was a regular monthly +institution with that most hospitable and generous man. + +Things had been going on in this way for about three months when, so far +as concerned my brother, there was a change, which entailed on him +considerable anxiety, and a good deal of extra work. An officer of the +Bombay army was sent to Tollicherry on sick certificate. He had landed, +and had, by means of his servant, taken a small house in the town before +my brother heard anything of him. He had, indeed, been three days so +located when Lieutenant Mitchel, who was in command of the detachment +usually stationed at the place, met my brother in his morning walk, and +told him of the advent of Mr. M. of the ---- Infantry, Bombay. 'Hasn't +he sent you his case, and the private statement of the regimental +medical officer?' asked Mitchel. 'He has not,' said my brother; +'indeed, until you informed me of it, I was as ignorant of the arrival +here of Mr. M. as I was of his existence. But now, as he is here on sick +certificate, I shall go and see him, though it was his duty in the first +place to have sent me his papers.' + +'Then,' returned Mitchel, 'we'll go and see him together; we may as well +walk that way as any other.' So said, so done. On their way they met +Captain B., who, after good-morning, inquired if they had got 'a purwoke +to Waughan's, because if you haven't you will have. I saw the cards.' +'Well,' said Mitchel, 'V. deserves to be called the punir of +Tollicherry: the place would be nothing without him. And then he gives +such champagne and claret; it's really worth something to get a +"purwoke," as our friend says, to his house.' 'You should be tender in +making your quotations,' whispered my brother. 'I'll tender an +apologue,' said Mitchel quietly, 'if you wish.' Here Captain B. parted +from his companions, his road lying in a different direction. + +When he was gone, my brother remarked to Mitchel: 'I think if you did +"tender an apologue," as you put it, you would only make bad worse. Poor +B. does not know that he made any mistake, nor does he perceive that you +were laughing at him; but if you make any apology, however "tender" you +may be in your mode of expression, he cannot fail to perceive it.' +'Well, _magister meus_, I am schooled. I will hold my peace, though he +breaks the Queen's English into many a piece; but I must keep the peace +as well as hold my peace, or you will be jealous, and say I have stolen +your trade, and set up an opposition shop, etc., etc.; and I should be +sorry to run counter to your wishes, as the peaceful disposition evinced +this morning clearly proves.' 'If you would weigh your words over your +counter a little more carefully there would be some hope of your +succeeding in business. As it is, your stock-in-trade is rather of a +meagre description; it is neither bonded stock, nor consolidated stock, +nor foreign stock, nor even rolling stock. It can only, I think, be +described as a stock of assurance, though I'll be sworn you possess no +life policy, and----' 'Oh, stop!' said Mitchel; 'you have the devil's +own faculty of "iteration," as the fat knight says, and, moreover, here +we are at M.'s bungalow.' + +But at first it was in vain that the two visitors sought an entrance. +After knocking repeatedly at the door of the house, which was closed, no +response could be obtained. 'This is queer,' said Mitchel. 'Are the +people all dead? What is the reason that no servant or maty boy makes +his appearance? It's clearly a case of enchanted castle, inhabited by an +ogre who never comes out till night-time.' 'I think' said my brother, 'I +can find a key to the ogre's castle door.' And accordingly he walked +over to the godown attached to the house. He had observed that the door +belonging to one of these outdoor offices had been cautiously opened so +far as to permit those inside to see who they were who were so bent on +getting into the house, without being seen themselves. The door in +question, it is true, had been again cautiously closed, but the opening +and shutting of it having been noticed further defence was vain. My +brother threatened all kinds of pains and penalties, and Mitchel struck +the door so violently with his foot that the whole place shook again. He +was about to repeat his efforts when the garrison surrendered, only +entreating that the Saiblogue would have a moment's patience. +'Suspension of arms' having been thus agreed to, the door was, after +about a minute's delay, unbarred and opened. 'You d----d rascal,' said +Mitchel, 'what do you mean by keeping us waiting here without answering +our summons?' 'Nay, Saib: what for master angry? My master sick; he +tell he not see anybody.' 'Aye, but he must see us. I am the medical +officer to whose charge he is consigned while sick, and if he should +want help in any way he is bound to put himself in communication with +this gentleman, who is in command of the detachment stationed here. Now, +open the door of the house and let us see your master.' 'But, Saib, my +master no give order; he tell no see.' 'You are an impudent scoundrel,' +said Mitchel, 'and I have a good mind to give you a taste of my +riding-whip for refusing to do what you are ordered to do, knowing who +we are.' 'Pray be quiet, Mitchel,' said my brother, 'and let me deal +with this fellow, whom, to tell you the truth, I rather like for his +sturdy fidelity to his master. Now you, sir, listen to what I say. If +you do not open the door of the house I shall have to complain of you to +the Zillah Judge, who will be in Court shortly after ten o'clock, and +you will get punished, and peons will be sent to force open the door, so +that you see all you can gain by resistance is a few hours, for which +you will bring trouble on yourself and your master.' 'By Jove,' said +Mitchel, 'you have given him better terms than I would have done. But +take your own way; I shall leave you to settle it.' + +The maty was evidently undecided, but the calm determination shown by my +brother convinced him that it would be best to submit to what he felt he +could not successfully oppose or prevent, so after a little hesitation +he said: 'Master too strong; I do as master order, but my master very +angry.' 'That's a sensible fellow,' said my brother. 'I will tell your +master that you held out to the utmost to obey his orders.' Then the +man, making a low salaam, said: 'Master good master, but not know all; +when master go in then master see, and then master know.' + +Surely no words could express the impression made on the minds of the +visitors, or explain the situation more clearly, than the maty's words, +however poor the English. They found Mr. M. in his shirt and trousers +lying on a cot, round which were strewed beer and brandy bottles, some +empty, some untouched; the smell of these liquids was very strong, and +the man himself was really an object equally of compassion and disgust. +His face was so swelled and bloated that his eyes were partly closed, +and its hue was fiery red; he either would not or could not speak. +Hiccoughs, alternating with a sort of stertorous breathing, were the +only sounds he emitted; his skin was dry and hot, and his pulse +bounding. The unfortunate man did not seem able to rise and scarcely to +move. After sending in the sweeper to remove all nuisances, and to +cleanse the room in every possible way, doors and windows not admitting +sun being kept wide open, the whole of the bottles were removed, and +placed in a godown under lock and key, only a very small allowance for +the day being left out in charge of the servant. Finally, the official +papers, which the boy knew where to put his hands on, were given to my +brother. Before his departure he ordered the patient's body, head, neck, +and arms to be sponged, constantly or frequently, with weak vinegar and +water. He then left word that he should see Mr. M. again after +breakfast. + +On reaching home he took up a letter that was addressed to him by Mr. +M., senior, in which he spoke of his son and his son's evil habits in a +very fond and parental way, making all sorts of excuses for a low and +disgusting indulgence that admits of no excuse, except that the person +exhibiting it had lost all self-control, which might with equal +propriety be put forth to defend any other crime. The writer entreated +that my brother would use representation, persuasion, and every moral +means in aid of his medical treatment, in order to reform as well as +cure his unfortunate son. He then explained his son's position in the +army. He said that, by means of family interest, he had got his son +gazetted for a staff appointment, but that it had not been taken up, in +consequence of his son's sickness, which, through the kindness of the +medical officer, my brother would find put down in the case as _fever_. +'In his private letter to you,' continued the old gentleman, 'I cannot +tell what he has said, but whatever this may be, I should esteem it a +lasting obligation if you would kindly put down in your official report +the same disease, _fever_;' and that if my brother would be so kind as +to do this, his son could be sent home on sick certificate for three +years without losing his claim to a staff appointment, and that not only +he, but the whole family would be for ever grateful. + +Long before my brother got to the end of this precious epistle, he felt +so indignant and disgusted with the doting and unprincipled old writer, +that he more than once determined to return the letter in a blank +envelope. He did not, however, act on his first thought; he remembered +old Mr. M.'s gray hairs, and that he was a father who was wrapped up in +his only son. My brother contented himself with acknowledging the old +gentleman's letter as briefly as possible, adding that he would do all +that was in his power for his son. + +He then glanced over the official case, which was so drawn up as to +afford little information as to the state of the patient. This was of no +consequence; what my brother had seen was quite enough. The private +letter was a degree more truthful; but the facts were so softened, and +so many suppositions were introduced in order to account for the +symptoms, that it was, or appeared to be, more calculated to conceal the +real condition of the patient than to make it evident. My brother +thought of Talleyrand's _mot_ regarding language, smiled, and then sat +down to breakfast with his wife. + +This narrative not being either a medical treatise or report, my +brother omits all details of the treatment of the case. It must suffice +to say that he did his best, and at first with such success that hope of +reform began to be entertained. It was, however, a delusive hope. The +patient broke all his promises, secretly obtained from the Parsee +shopkeeper a fresh supply of beer and brandy, and again reduced himself +to much the same state as that in which he was first found. The +intoxicating liquids were again taken from him, placed under lock and +key, and then two Sepoys were placed on guard night and day at Mr. M.'s +bungalow to prevent the entrance of anything whatever not ordered by my +brother. Mr. M., on finding himself thus forcibly controlled, was at +first so furious and violent that it became necessary to employ peons to +restrain him and prevent him from making his escape. + +When he found that neither threats, nor force, nor bribes would avail +either to procure him liquor or favour his escape from control, he +became sullen and morose, and refused even to speak in answer to +questions. Lieutenant Mitchel had all along felt a great interest in the +case, and had furnished the guard in the frankest and readiest manner. + +Very early one morning he met my brother en route to visit Mr. M. 'I'll +go with you,' said Mitchel, 'if you have no objection.' 'None in the +world,' returned my brother. 'You have seen the patient several times; +you saw him when I first took charge of him, and you know how +persistently he has destroyed his chances of getting better.' 'Yes,' +replied Mitchel, 'he has done all you say; the madness for drink has got +hold of him, and until this rage or madness moderates or passes away for +the time, I fear you will get no good of him; but still, I pity the poor +devil!' 'Oh, pity him as much as you please,' returned my brother, 'so +long as you don't give him anything to drink.' This brought the +speakers to M.'s house. They went upstairs almost together, and as they +entered his room they perceived that he was lying on his cot in his +shirt and long drawers. + +As my brother approached him to feel his pulse and skin, his features +assumed a very ugly scowl, and at the same time he put his right hand +under his pillow. This action my brother did not notice at the instant, +but Mitchel did, and as quick as light pinned M.'s hand with both his. A +struggle ensued; my brother held down M.'s left hand while Mitchel drew +out the right, grasping a large carving-knife, which he had secreted +under his pillow. It was quickly taken from him by the superior force +present, and although he made desperate efforts to disengage his right +hand, Mitchel's double grip was too firm for him. He kept his hand on +the bed while the others unclasped the fingers, thus no one was wounded. + +It was clear that Mitchel's quick eye and movement had saved my +brother's life. Speaking of the affair afterwards, Mitchel said: 'I did +not like the look he gave at you, and when, in reply to your request to +let you feel his pulse, he put his hand under the pillow, I suspected +something, and luckily, on the impulse of the moment, pinned his hand.' + +'Luckily indeed for me,' said my brother; 'six inches of cold steel +under one's ribs is not a pleasant experience at any time of day; yet I +should certainly have had to make it this fine morning but for you. I +cannot well thank you; your own manly heart will do it for me better +than my poor words can.' + +'Halt, dress!' said Mitchel; 'none of your heroics. I'm right glad, +though, that none of us got hurt; that's a very ugly sort of weapon, +that long pointed knife, at close quarters especially.' + +All this passed in less than two minutes; then the maniac, for such the +man was at the time, was carefully secured by soft bandages, his head +was shaved, and cold lotion constantly applied to it. Every knife and +fork in the house was kept out of the room, he was allowed no food but +what he could take with a spoon, and a constant guard was kept in the +room as well as at the door. + +As Mitchel and my brother were leaving the poor victim of alcoholic +stimulation, G. came up to them to inquire how M. was going on. Poor G. +turned quite pale on learning how near murder had been to them that +morning, and specially near to my brother. However, he soon rallied, +and, after a few words of congratulation, he said: 'This day week I hold +you both engaged to dine with me; I mean to give a dinner in honour of +Mitchel for this morning's work.' + +'All right,' said Mitchel, 'I'll be most happy to go and punish your +champagne; but don't make mountains of molehills; don't exhibit me as a +sort of wild animal of a new species just caught; don't do that, pray. +The Doctor was going to launch out into something, but I managed to stop +him, as I must try and stop you.' + +'Very well,' said G., 'as you are to be the king of the feast, you must +have your own way, and we won't say one word as to why it is given. We +won't even ask if a knife has a sharp point or a keen edge.' + +'For fear of its wounding or cutting me,' said Mitchel. 'That's capital; +I always thought you a comical blade.' + +'What, Mitchel, at it again? You are, I see, determined to try the +temper of the blade,' observed my brother. + +'Oh, stop that fellow with his heroics and his _ribaldry_. When he +begins, there's no chance for me.' + +'Why so cranky, Mitchel? But for you, I should not this morning have a +_rib all dry_.' + +'That shows you all the more ungrateful. You won't let a fellow have a +chance.' + +'Quite the contrary,' said my brother; 'it is you that won't let a +fellow have a chance. M. tried hard to get one at me this morning, but +you wouldn't let him have it.' + +'Good-morning, good-morning,' said Mitchel; 'that fellow's got tongue +enough for a dozen. I'm off.' + +'No, no,' said G.; 'come and breakfast with me. I can't ask the Doctor; +he has to go to his wife. How I pity him! But, poor fellow! he can't +help it now.' + +'Well, don't be envious of your neighbours, G.,' returned my brother; +'it looks strongly as if you were determined to follow my good example.' +And so the trio, with jest and raillery, and in high good humour with +all the world and themselves, parted. + +Great was the stir, and much was the commotion, in the little community +of Tollicherry, when it was known that my brother had been in such +imminent peril, and that his life had been saved by the gallantry and +promptitude of Lieutenant Mitchel. The story had to be told over again +and again, and the questions to be answered respecting the occurrence +could not be enumerated. At last, like every other nine days' wonder, +people began to get tired of it, and the dinner to the hero of the tale +came in its turn to occupy public attention. + +On the morning before that named for the dinner, G. and my brother +encountered each other near M.'s bungalow, where my brother had just +been. The conversation that ensued referred almost entirely to G.'s +coming party. 'I've asked everyone,' said G., 'except V., who is on +circuit, and A., who is on leave, and old B., who is sick of the gout.' + +'_Sick of the gout!_' returned my brother. 'I should think so. Who +wouldn't be that ever had a taste of it?' + +'Come, come, Doctor; it's too early in the morning. A man should be +scrupulous about taking drams in the morning.' + +'Oh, G., G., how can you?--stale, flat, and unprofitable, and +hypocritical besides, while pretending to give your friends advice. But +tell me who you have got.' + +'H. will come,' replied G.; 'but from the distance at which he resides, +he stipulates that he is to go as soon as he has had coffee. The Zillah +Judge will come too, though I suspect he obtained leave with great +difficulty, as he adds, "You will not press me to stay later than +half-past nine, as we always retire to rest at 10 p.m." Then Mitchel, +our two selves, young B. and old B. (the Captain, I mean), will make up +the party.' + +'Won't you have the missionary, Mr. G.?' + +'No, that I won't; he'd only be a wet blanket,' said G., 'and I don't +want any wet blankets--in fact, I never liked them.' + +'Poor fellow!' replied my brother. 'How I feel for him! How his bowels +will yearn when he hears of a feed that he's not to have a share of!' + +'Well,' returned G., 'his bowels may yearn, then; for he won't get a +share of mine.' + +'He'll be very indignant, if not spiteful,' said my brother. 'You'd +better have him; he'll talk about the tithe-offering, and quote +Leviticus to no end.' + +'Well, he certainly will quote Leviticus to no end on this occasion, for +I certainly won't have him,' said G. + +Young B. and Mitchel then came up, and the whole four then sauntered on +to G.'s to take early tea or coffee. While thus engaged, the +conversation again turned on guests expected. 'But do you really mean to +say,' said young Henry B., 'that H. has got leave to come? I can +scarcely credit it. My worthy cousin Harriet would scarcely permit such +a breach of discipline.' The conditions under which Mr. H. had accepted +the invitation were then made known to him; he burst into a fit of +laughter. '"Retire to rest," is it? I wonder how people can tell such +open and apparent _terra dilles_!' Then he indulged in another outbreak. +'Faix, as Paddy says, they won't break their hearts with resting, I'll +engage!' 'Come, come, Master B., you must behave yourself!' 'Behave +herself, did you say? No doubt she does--like an angel under trying +circumstances.' 'Challenge him, Mitchel, to a game at billiards--do +anything to arrest his wicked conversation,' said G. 'Remember my +respectability is at stake.' 'Oh,' said B., 'it's three to one against +you; what's it in--ponies?' 'Worse and worse!' replied G. 'First he +throws away his loose words, and now he wants to throw away his loose +cash.' 'Oh, you cave in, do you?' said B. 'Well, so be it; but now I'm +going to be serious.' His eyes were dancing with laughter, and the +internal chuckling was so overpowering that he could scarcely speak. +'I've got a little plan in my head----' 'A maggar, or anything else +that's lively,' interposed Mitchel. 'No,' replied B., 'I wouldn't +deprive you for the world; but it's this: If we all set to work +carefully, set all our watches an hour slow, and you, G., set all your +clocks to the same time, it will be our own fault if we can't persuade +H. that his watch is an hour fast.' + +'Oh, that will never do!' replied G. 'Mrs. H. always sends his palankeen +for him at the time appointed, and he always goes by that, and with +that, or in that, if you prefer it.' 'That's capital,' said Henry B.; +'that will make all sure. I will go out when the man I shall set to +watch tells me that the palkee is coming, and direct the bearers to take +it to the back of the godowns, and to wait there till Mr. H. sends for +them; and then if your butler provides them a good curry and rice, and +the wherewithal to wash it down, I'll be bound they won't disturb their +master.' 'On my word,' said G., 'it looks promising! I've really half a +mind to try it. But will you, all of you, loyally support me and back +me up?' 'Of course they will,' said young B.; 'only you resolve to have +a whole mind, and not a half one, every man will be steadfast and true.' +'You may count upon one man, at least,' said Mitchel. My brother, led +away by the spirit of fun and frolic, confesses that he also promised to +be one of the conspirators, and to aid and abet as far as in him lay. +'Oh, but there's still old Captain B.!' said Mitchel. 'Never mind him,' +said G. 'I will undertake to seduce him, though I'm not a blooming young +maiden of bashful fifteen.' 'Who's wicked now, I wonder?' said Henry B. + +'Now's the day and now's the hour,' said Mitchel, as he entered G.'s +dining-room. 'And "see the conquering hero comes,"' said my brother. +'That's the text on the present occasion.' 'No, no, Doctor, it's agreed +we're to have none of that.' 'Well,' returned my brother, 'it reminds me +very much of Scott's story in "Guy Mannering," which records how a +number of the porters, criers, and others of like degree attached to a +High Court of Judicature were, for the nonce, appointed to determine the +difficult and intricate questions arising from a long dormant claim of +inheritance, the essential conditions required being that those who were +to determine the case should be men of _no knowledge_. So we are met to +do honour to a certain valiant knight, but are not to describe or +specify his achievements. On my word it's delightful: nothing can so +present the "Lucus a non lucendo" principle more luminously.' 'But _I_ +say,' said Mitchel, 'we are here assembled to punish G.'s good things, +and not to carry out any visionary ideas of vain glorification and +self-laudation, simply to rejoice in the conviction that "all's well +that ends well."' 'So be it,' said G.; 'and here comes Hooper,' who was +greeted cordially by all present. How could it be otherwise? I never +knew the man who did not like and respect him. He was greatly amused at +hearing of the conditions of the feast. 'Truly, you ought to be called +the club of Odd Fellows; but _chacun à son goût_. It's a relief to me, +as, otherwise, I should, I suppose, have been called upon for a speech.' +'Oh,' said G., 'you will certainly have to make a speech, and it must be +in honour of Mitchel. The only peculiarity is that you are not to say +what he is to be honoured for.' 'That's the regulation, is it?' said H., +laughing. 'Again I say you certainly have earned the title of Odd +Fellows; besides, I don't see how such a whimsical regulation can be +complied with.' 'You'll see your way out of it, never fear,' said +Mitchel, 'when you have had a few glasses of côte d'or.' 'I hope I +shall, but I don't now,' replied H. + +Mr. Henry B., Mr. H., and Captain Brennan now made their appearance. The +newcomers were warmly welcomed, and almost immediately afterwards dinner +was announced. Dinners are so much alike that it would be almost an +impertinence to enter into details; it is enough to assure those +interested in such matters that the champagne and claret, the +soda-water, etc., were all properly refrigerated, and the punkah-pullers +did their duty. The table was a round one, and the party seven, so that +the conversation was general. + +After the feeding was over, and the wine had circulated two or three +times, the gathering became a very merry one. By-and-by Mr. Hooper was +called on by the host to give the toast of the evening, but requested to +bear in mind the conditions imposed. Mr. H. rose and spoke thus: +'Gentlemen, I have been requested by our worthy host, under certain +conditions, to propose a toast. I can truly say that no gentleman rising +in a certain honourable House to deliver his maiden speech ever felt +himself in a position of greater difficulty than I do at this moment. +Were I a new Demosthenes, or a Cicero, or both rolled into one, it would +still be difficult to speak of a noble action without referring to it, +without describing it, and without stating what it averted. This being +so, I must leave you, who feel on this subject, I am sure, as much as I +do myself, to interpret my feelings for me, and to imagine all that I +would have said, had not your special regulation, by which you have +fairly earned the designation of Odd Fellows, prevented me. Neither do I +forget the old saying regarding brevity; therefore, in proposing +Lieutenant Mitchel's health, which I trust will be drunk with all the +honours, I beg leave to say that in my heart I believe I am proposing +the health of as brave and generous and noble-hearted an officer as +there is in the service, and if I knew of anything stronger than this to +say in his praise I would say it. Gentlemen and friends, I beg to +propose the health of Lieutenant Mitchel, of the ---- Regiment, M.N.I.' +As Mr. H. sat down there was most vociferous cheering, clapping, etc., +and Mitchel's health was drunk in the most approved fashion. + +Lieutenant Mitchel now stood up and said: 'Gentlemen, speechifying isn't +my line; therefore I feel sure that you will not insist on my attempting +what I know I can't do. But, gentlemen, pray believe me when I say that +I feel your kindness most deeply, though I have not the gift of words to +express it. I beg to drink all your healths, and thank you heartily for +the manner in which you have drunk mine. I also beg to thank Mr. H. +especially for the kind and handsome way he has spoken of me.' + +'Bravo, Mitchel! A very good speech indeed!' said Mr. G., as soon as the +shouting and hip-hipping allowed him to be heard. 'Now, Doctor, we must +call upon you, who, after all, are the most interested in this affair.' +'Truly, as you have said, most noble President,' replied my brother, as +he rose to respond to the call made on him, 'I am the person most +interested, because I am the person most benefited, and were I without a +wife or family I should say solely benefited. At any rate, I have +received that described elsewhere in these words, "What will not a man +give for his life?" Sure, to a brave man, the stab of a poniard or +knife, the stroke of a sabre, or the blow from a ball, are, as respects +himself, little heeded, and are faced without a moment's hesitation on +very slight grounds. But, gentlemen, there are pangs that strike deeper, +and pangs that are felt more keenly by the bravest than any that can +affect him personally. Can a husband, think you, feel no deeper pang at +parting for ever from a beloved wife? Can a father, think you, leave +helpless orphans behind him and feel no deeper pang than lead or steel +can inflict? Your own kindly hearts, silently yet eloquently, answer my +questions. Can I, then, measure the extent of my obligations to a friend +who has saved me from sorrows such as these? Lifelong gratitude is +insufficient to mark that measure. Well may I repeat his simple but +genuine expression of feeling when I say, "I have not the gift of words +to express it." Gentlemen, I am forbidden by the regulation which has +been established, not because we are "Odd Fellows," as suggested by our +excellent friend Mr. H., but on account of the extreme modesty of that +matchless friend to whom I owe so much, but may not name. The king of +our party for this evening has enjoined us to go into no details, and to +avoid all particulars. I am thus forbidden to speak as I would wish of +that lightning-flash of intellect, which, guided by his rapid eye, +revealed to him instantaneously a danger that no one but himself +perceived. In like manner I am debarred from enlarging on that +decision--that wonderful decision that guided his action. A single +second's delay would have enabled the poor maniac to strike, and so +close and with such a weapon, death would have been inevitable. Neither +am I permitted to describe that instantaneous and robust action which +converted the internal electric message and order into practice. +Intelligence like intuition, decision without an instant's hesitation, +with courage, strength, and skill, as well as reckless self-devotion, +are all manifested here in the highest degree; qualities which, when +united, win the love, respect, and admiration of all who witness them, +and which, in addition, so far as concerns myself, have converted a +casual acquaintance into a grateful and attached friend for life. + +'Gentlemen, I should infringe our regulation if I stated the name of the +man to whom these remarks refer; but it needs not, there is a _vox non +audita_, as well as a _lex non scripta_, and this inaudible voice will +teach you to whom my words apply: and also those words I have not +spoken, those words which would in part convey by sounds the thoughts +and feelings that must remain unspoken, ineffable, the thoughts and +feelings of a grateful heart. Gentlemen, before I sit down, I beg leave +to drink all your healths.' + +During the whole time that my brother was speaking there was a profound +silence; when he sat down there was a hum and a subdued thumping on the +table, but not the uproarious applause that had greeted the two previous +speakers. During almost the whole time occupied by my brother's speech, +Mitchel had remained with his head bowed over the table; when my brother +sat down he stretched his hand over to him, and there was a long +pressure of hands, while both were perfectly silent. + +Mr. G. now got up and said: 'The deep feeling and the good sense of the +Doctor's admirable speech seem to have subdued us all, but at the same +time to have decreased our mirth. This must not be; we are met here to +illustrate the value and the wisdom of our dear Shakespeare's words, +"All's well that ends well," so let us have a hip! hip! hurray for the +Doctor's speech, and then we'll call on one of our friends to sing or do +something to enliven us; or we'll order coffee, and get up a match at +billiards.' So the hurraying was duly gone through, and then, as no one +seemed inclined for more wine, coffee was ordered; and shortly after Mr. +H. took his departure. + +Henry B. then said aloud to one of the peons: 'Will you go and call my +boy, Ramasawmy. I've forgotten my cigar-case.' Ramasawmy appeared almost +before G. could say: 'Never mind your cheroots. I've got a lot of good +ones here, so help yourself.' 'Thank you,' said B., 'I'll take one to +amuse me till my own are forthcoming; but I don't wish to lose my case. +I dare say it's in the palkee.' Ramasawmy departed, but having been +carefully instructed shortly came back to say he couldn't find it. 'Oh, +you're a stupid fellow!' said B., 'I'll be bound I find it in a minute. +Just excuse me for a moment or two, and I'll be back almost before you +can look round.' So B. and his boy, Ramasawmy, went to the palankeen, +and of course found no cigar-case. + +'Now, boy,' said B., 'you know where you're to watch. Here's the +cigar-case; you are, as soon as you see the palkee coming, to run back +and give the case to me publicly. I shall then ask you where you found +it, and you must reply: "Come with me, sir, and I will show"--you +understand.' 'Yes, sar, understand.' After this little private dialogue, +B. returned, saying as he rejoined his friends: 'It's odd I can't find +the case in the palkee, so I have ordered the boy to go home for it.' +'What a fuss you make about the case, B.; you can get cigars and plenty +here, so make yourself easy, man, and take up a cue,' said G. 'There +will be four of you without me; I'll look on.' 'I'll be hanged if you +do!' returned Mitchel, 'we'll draw lots; lowest figure sits out.' 'I'm +afraid,' said Mr. H., 'that you must not count on me; you must make up +your match without me; you know that I bargained with you, G., that I +was to leave about half-past nine.' 'All right,' said G., 'it's a long +way off that now; there's oceans of time for a match.' 'Well,' said H., +'if I do play, the match must be a short one, say fifty.' 'Don't be +alarmed, man,' said G., 'there's plenty of time for a hundred.' 'No, +no,' said H., 'I can't play if it's more than a fifty.' 'Come,' said G., +'split the difference, we'll make it seventy.' 'So be it then,' said H.; +'let us make our sides at once. Mitchel is the best amongst us, +therefore whoever has him must give ten points.' 'Agreed,' said G., 'but +who sits out? There's the Doctor, Captain B., and Henry B.' 'I really +can't play till I hear about my cigar-case,' said H. B. 'Upon my word, +B., you make more bother about the confounded case than it's worth,' +said Mitchel. 'I shouldn't wonder,'said G., 'that he has got some notes +on pink paper richly perfumed in that same case, instead of cigars.' +'Oh, that's it, is it!' said H.; 'I really began to think he was getting +off his head. I never knew him to care two straws about a cigar-case +before.' 'It's very hard,' said B., with a pretended mock-modest air, +'that a man can't look for his cigar-case without having all his little +peccadillos inquired into, and without, as it were, being hauled up for +summary judgment. I say "live and let live;" you go on with your game, +and I'll go on with mine.' + +All this was really so well acted that poor Mr. H. was entirely thrown +off his guard. Captain B. could not see very well by candle-light, so he +declined playing; thus the sides were G. and my brother against H. and +Mitchel. The game was begun with great spirit by Mitchel, who scored a +dozen before G. had made a point. By-and-by Mitchel was put out, and H. +and G. played very evenly; then G. was put out, and it was my brother +against H., both cautious, the score thirty-five to twenty-eight. 'If we +don't get on faster than this,' said H., 'I shall have to throw up; my +palkee will be here shortly, and as Mrs. H. sits up for me, I never +keep her waiting.' 'Of course you could not do that,' said G. 'Of course +not,' said my brother. At this moment Ramasawmy entered panting and +holding up the cigar-case, and exclaiming: 'I've found it, sir!' 'Where +did you find it?' said B. 'Was it at home, or was it, after all, in the +palkee?' 'Come and see, sir! I show place in the palkee.' 'Before you +go,' said G., 'let us see what kind are the cigars you've got in it.' +'Not for the world,' said B., possessing himself of the case, and +buttoning it up in a breast-pocket; 'not for the world.' 'That's too +bad,' said Mitchel, 'after all this palaver, not to let us see what the +tobacco's like; very shabby, upon my life.' 'I see,' said G., laughing; +'I say, B., tell us her Christian name.' But H. B. was off to his palkee +to see where the case could have been hidden; but instead of stopping at +his palkee, he walked on rapidly in the direction indicated by his boy. +He soon met Mr. H.'s palkee and bearers; he stopped them at once (and +being master's cousin they had not the slightest suspicion that the Saib +was cozening them), and said to them: 'Mr. H. does not want to go home +just yet, so you come with me, and I'll show you where to put the +palkee; and while you wait I'll tell the butler to send you a good +curry, and a bottle of brandy.' Bearers are very good fellows as a rule, +yet they are but men, after all; therefore, after a little show of +resistance, they followed Mr. B., who took them to the back of the +godowns in perfect silence, then qualms of conscience, or more properly +fear of consequences, overcame their resolution, and the head boy said: +'But, sar, missis very angry, not bring master home soon.' 'Yes,' said +Henry B., 'missis a little angry, but master much like to stay.' + +While the boys were hesitating, the curry and rice and the bottle of +brandy made their appearance. This almost decided the matter, but fear +again interfered in this shape. 'But, sar, what can tell when come too +late--what can tell?' 'You can say that Mr. G. so good; give curry and +rice while master play. Then when curry and rice done eat you lay down +to sleep, and you make a little mistake and sleep a little too long.' +The rascals grinned, evidently relishing the joke and the prospect. +Still they might have refused had not B. judiciously vanquished their +scruples by placing 10 Rs. in the hand of the head bearer. They looked +at one another, their eyes gleamed, and then they severally pressed Mr. +B.'s hand against their foreheads, which he perfectly understood as a +sign of fealty and allegiance for the time; then he left them to enjoy +their feast, and went back to his friends. + +On his return he said: 'It was no great wonder that I couldn't find it; +it had somehow slipped from the pocket between the panel and the lining. +Even when we got to the palkee the boy himself was some time before he +could again find the place.' 'Very good,' said G.; 'the mysterious +disappearance of the case is at last accounted for. But won't you, now +that you've got it safe, let us look at the tobacco? What can your +objection be?' 'Really, G.,' said H. B., 'you wouldn't ask me to do such +a thing! I appeal to you, would it be honourable, or gentleman-like, or +generous, or--or proper in any point of view? Now would it?' 'Good +heavens!' returned G.; 'you quite overwhelm me. Is there anything +dishonourable, or ungentleman-like, or improper in showing a little +tobacco? You must be dreaming.' 'No, G.; but you know what I mean. Now +don't, like a good fellow, press me. Of course there could be nothing +wrong in showing a little tobacco; but you know (don't press me too +hard)--suppose, I say--suppose it were possible that the case did or +might contain---- I say, suppose it were possible that it did +contain----' 'Well,' said G., laughing heartily and in good earnest at +the admirable way in which B. acted his part--'well, if there should be, +what?' 'Upon my life, it's not fair. You know very well, every gentleman +knows, that there are some things which honour forbids him to speak of, +and some things which honour doubly forbids him to show.' 'Game,' said +G., as he made a winning hazard and a canon at the same stroke. 'I bow,' +said Mr. H.; 'and now it's time for me to go.' 'Nonsense!' said G.; 'it +isn't near your time yet. We ran this game off so quickly that there +will be time--plenty of time--for another short game.' 'It is not so, I +assure you,' said H.; 'in fact, I ought to be off now. But I can't think +what detains my palkee.' 'Why, it's not much beyond half-past eight +yet,' said G. 'What's the hurry? You're due to us till half-past nine at +least.' 'But,' said H., 'it's half-past nine now. See for yourself' +(pulling out his watch); 'it's just half-past nine.' 'Half-past nine! +It's impossible! We haven't been playing half an hour, and I'm sure it +wasn't more than eight when we began.' 'Facts are stubborn things, +friend G. If you won't believe my watch, look at your own.' 'I never was +so deceived if it is so,' said G.; 'that's all I can say. Chasra, on my +dressing-table you'll find my watch; bring it me.' + +While G.'s watch was being sent for the other conspirators consulted +their watches. Mitchel said: 'I can't look at mine, for it's at--for +it's at--I'm ashamed to mention where, lest my uncle should reproach +me.' All laughed at this sally till H. said: 'Why, what's that in your +waistcoat pocket? And is that handsome chain attached to nothing?' 'Oh, +this,' said Mitchel--'this is only for show, and as for the other, it's +only a dummy. The real Simon pure is gone on a ticket of leave; in +short, it's a case of tick, tick.' 'Well, you're a humourist, Master +Mitchel, as well as the king of the evening; but this does not prove +that it's not half-past nine.' 'Half-past nine!' said Henry B.; 'it's +quite out of the question. I've been waiting to hear what the others +said, but here's my ticker--not gone on a ticket of leave as my friend's +has--and it says no such thing: but as I'm not very precise in setting +and winding up, I wait to hear what others say.' Captain B. now produced +an old-fashioned watch of amazing dimensions, which he showed to my +brother, begging him to say what time it pointed to. 'Half-past eight +p.m.,' said my brother. 'Ah,' said the old Captain, 'it never varies a +minute in the twenty-four hours. It's a chronometer, though rather an +old one; set it at 6 a.m. in the morning, and at 6 a.m. the next morning +there won't be the difference of a half minute.' 'What does your watch +say, Doctor?' inquired H.; 'it's very extraordinary that there should be +such a difference.' 'My watch,' said my brother, 'points to half-past +eight precisely.' Here G.'s Chasra came in with G.'s watch in his hand. +G. opened it, and held it out triumphantly to H. 'I can't make it out,' +said that gentleman; 'the watch was all right this morning, and I can +see it hasn't stopped. I can't think what has happened; all the watches +agree except mine.' 'It is very remarkable,' said G. 'I really can't +quite understand, nor explain it either, unless you by some accident set +your watch an hour too fast.' 'That's just it,' said Henry B.; 'that's +what he has done that he might get away the sooner. He says it was an +accident.' 'I never said anything of the kind,' said H.; 'it was G. who +suggested it, as a possible explanation. But what do your clocks say, +G.? You have one very good hall clock by Frodsham, and a Samuel Slick; +if they agree and say 8.30 p.m., I shall think that, by some mental +preoccupation, I must have made the mistake you suggest. But truly it's +a singular accident that never happened before.' 'He says,' said B., +'that he thinks it must have been an accident. I have my own opinion as +to that; he's an artful dodger, is this worthy cousin of mine. An +accident done for the purpose might perhaps explain the matter. Here he +comes with G., after examining the clocks.' + +'Well, what say you now?' said H. B. 'I suppose,' replied H., 'I must +have made the mistake of setting my watch an hour too fast, though how I +can have done so, and not have observed it all day, is past my +comprehension.' 'What's the use of talking?' said H. B. 'The thing is +clear enough. All our watches agree, and so you find do the clocks. But +there's another proof--if your palkee were here, you would be sure that +you were right, and that we were wrong; but you see it isn't here, and +you can't suppose that Mrs. H. has made any mistake, can you?' 'Why, +no,' said H.; 'she's very accurate as to time.' 'Well,' returned H. B., +'that must be a great comfort to you,' though he could scarcely restrain +his laughter. 'Now let us have another game,' said G., 'for a hundred, +and that will give you and Mitchel a chance of recovering your lost +laurels.' 'Aye, come along H.; we'll beat them this time,' said Mitchel. +'And as you've got ample time for play, there need be no hurried +strokes.' 'Ah!' returned H.; 'I intend to play this time.' 'Bravo!' said +G., though he could scarcely speak from his desire to laugh. My brother +kept silent from the same cause, and Captain B. was openly on the broad +grin. But all this passed off. H. was fairly talked down, persuaded by +the cumulative evidence brought to bear against him that his senses had +on this occasion deceived him; to use the popular expression, he was +fairly persuaded out of his senses, to which result the non-arrival of +the palankeen mainly contributed. He knew very well that Mrs. H. was not +likely to make any mistake relative to her personal comforts; so, his +mind being set at ease, he bent his whole energies to the play, and +right well he did play. When the game was over, Mitchel confessed that +it was H., and not himself, who had won it; and when G. and my brother +acknowledged their defeat, H., in high feather, said, 'I must say it +serves you right; you've done nothing but laugh and joke, and have paid +attention to everything but your game. If fellows, when they have any +kind of opponents, will do that, they deserve to lose.' 'Spoken like a +judge, indeed,' observed G.; still, for some unaccountable reason, he +continued to chuckle and laugh. '"Spoken like a judge!" I say, "Spoken +like an oracle,"' said Mitchel. 'Judges are sometimes wrong; oracles +never.' 'Ah, there it is!' said H.; 'it's this kind of chaff that's been +the ruin of your game. You keep on provoking each other to laugh, till +none of you can hold a cue steadily. The Doctor twice missed the +simplest canon, merely from laughing.' Here H.'s harangue was cut short +by H. B., who came in from outside to announce the arrival of Mr. H.'s +palkee and bearers, to whom he had in a moment given the welcome +intelligence that they need make no apology for being late, as Mr. H. +had not required them. In a few seconds after, Mr. H. B. did so in his +own peculiar manner--_i.e._, by calling out 'Mr. H.'s carriage stops the +way,' which was scarcely pronounced when the bearers announced +themselves by their 'hum, hum; ha, ha,' etc. H. at once descended from +the judgment-seat into the obedient husband. He lost no time in bidding +good-bye and shaking hands with everyone. 'Can't stay any longer, thank +you, G. You know I bargained to go at half-past nine, and it's fully +that now.' 'Yes,' said H. B., 'I think it's full that now; therefore +it's time for you to go. I know Mrs. H. won't go to bed till you go +home. Well, if ever I take a wife, I hope I shall get such a blessing. +Good-bye.' 'Good-bye,' said H. As he got into his palankeen, he said, 'I +thank you, G., for a very pleasant evening.' 'Good-bye,' was returned +by all. As Mr. H. moved off, he said, 'Let me recommend you all to +follow my example.' 'We would if we could,' returned H. B., 'but we +haven't got the opportunity.' 'Oh yes, you have; you can all retire +early if you will.' + +Mr. H. was no sooner gone than the whole party gave way freely to the +laughter they had been so long contending against; it was hearty and +long continued. The first who recovered himself was G. 'I did not know,' +said he to H. B., 'that you were such an accomplished actor, B. Your +acting about the cigar-case and the supposed _billet-doux_ was really +inimitable.' 'Yes,' said Mitchel; 'he did it so well that he really +deceived me, and made me think that he actually had got something of +that kind in his case.' 'There it is,' said H. B.; 'if you can find any +_billet-doux_ therein, you may keep them for your trouble.' 'There,' +replied Mitchel; 'I agree with G. that you are a first-rate actor, or +dissembler, whichever term you like best.' 'Oh, they're both so highly +complimentary that all I can do is to bow and say, "Pray spare my +blushes,"' which he uttered with such an affected and coquettish air and +manner that again he set the whole party in a roar. 'H. says,' resumed +H. B., 'that he thanks G. for a very pleasant evening. I hope he will +find it equally so when he gets home; but, as our friends on the north +of the Tweed say, "I ha'e my doots."' 'I also "ha'e my doots,"' said G. +'I don't think,' said my brother, 'that I "ha'e any doots"; on the +contrary, I strongly suspect (if what I hear be not altogether +libellous) that he will find the atmosphere at home uncommonly hot just +now.' 'I shouldn't wonder, from his haste to be gone as soon as the +palkee came here, that he has a fear of what's coming,' said old Captain +B. 'Well,' said B., 'I agree with you, and shouldn't wonder if before he +reaches the petticoat he has an attack of cold shivers. Some ladies, for +the offence of keeping them waiting, would content themselves with +making the atmosphere cool, or cold, according to the gravity of the +crime, and the length of time it had been persisted in; but dear Mrs. H. +is of such a temperament that I am sure poor H. will find neither +coolness nor coldness in his domestic atmosphere--it will be hot, very +hot, you may rely on it.' 'If,' said the old Captain, 'he does not get +his wig combed by a three-legged stool, he may think himself lucky.' +'Well said again, B.,' said G. 'You've been silent all the evening, and +now you're beginning to come out in good style.' 'The truth is, I was +afeard to say anythink, lest I should laugh outright; and I never likes +to spile sport,' said the old man. 'No,' said G., 'I'm sure you don't; +you're too good a sample of an old salt to do that.' 'Sailors ain't +commonly fond of doing that, I do think,' replied the old boy, highly +pleased at the compliment. 'Only think,' said H. B., 'how H. is catching +it now! I should pity him, if I could for laughing.' 'I confess,' said +G., 'the fun overcomes the pity, in my mind. If a man _likes_ to have +dirty water emptied on his head _à la_ Mrs. Xantippe, he deserves what +he gets. We have, after all, only detained him an hour, so that there +isn't anything really to complain of; and he is perfectly innocent of +any premeditated crime. We can all bear witness that it was only by a +ruse that we got him to stay at all. Knowing this as he must do, he +shows himself to be neither manly nor wise,' remarked G., 'to suffer +himself to be so used; but if he likes it, let him have it.' 'So I say,' +said Mitchel; 'let him have it.' 'But,' said my brother, 'what was the +object, Mitchel, of your pretty little tale about your watch and your +uncle, and all that, when, not more than ten minutes before, I saw you +put a handsome gold hunter into your waistcoat pocket?' 'Why, you see,' +replied Mitchel, 'I don't like telling any more lies than are needful, +and therefore I evaded the question.' 'Commend me to your nice and +delicate conscience!' replied my brother. 'You tell half a dozen +unnecessary lies to avoid one.' 'Come, Doctor, that won't do. Is there +no difference in fabricating terradiddles such as these, and answering a +direct question by a designedly untruthful reply?' 'Now,' replied my +brother, 'you are turning jest into earnest; you forget the whole thing +was a joke.' 'No joke to H., you may rely on that, as he has found out +before now,' said H. B. 'Oh, let us hope,' said G., 'that the fire has +burnt itself out, and that they have made it up, and set things right by +this time.' 'Amen,' said Mitchel; 'let them fight, or love--it's all the +same to me.' It was now near 12 p.m. My brother had taken his departure +some time before; Captain B. had done the same; Mitchel and H. B. only +were left, and they now wished G. good-night, both declaring that they +had spent a very jolly evening. Just before H. B. got into his palkee, +he said, 'I think I shall call on Mrs. H. to-morrow.' 'No,' returned G.; +'you haven't impudence enough for that.' 'Haven't I? We shall see,' said +H. B. 'Yes, we shall see,' said G. 'Good-night.' 'Good-night,' returned +B., and off he went. + +The next day, as my brother was returning from his hospital, at which he +had had an extra and emergent case, he saw B.'s palkee at G.'s door, and +though he was anxious to get home to his dinner (he always dined at 3 +p.m.), curiosity prompted him to look in at G.'s for a few minutes. G. +said, as he shook hands with him: 'You've come just in time to hear B.'s +report of his visit to Mrs. H.' 'To Mrs. H.? Surely he has not had the +audacity to go there! I should have thought that after the little +performances of last night that was the last place he would have +ventured near.' 'So did I,' replied G., 'and though he said last night +before he left that he thought he should call on Mrs. H. this morning, I +didn't believe he meant to do it.' 'But he has done it,' said H. B., +'and if you like I'll tell you what passed between us.' 'Of course we +should like to hear the report beyond everything.' 'Well,' said B., his +eyes dancing with the sense of fun, 'as soon as I stepped out of the +palkee the maty came running to say Mrs. not very well; couldn't see me. +I expected this, and was prepared for it. I had written on one of my +cards in pencil "Very particular." I gave it to him, and told him to +give it to his mistress, and that I would wait for the answer. By-and-by +he came to say that if I would step into the drawing-room and sit down +for a few minutes Mrs. H. would see me. So I sat down, and in about ten +minutes the fair lady made her appearance, and without saying +good-morning, or shaking hands with me, or any of the usual proprieties, +she said at once: "Very pretty doings at Mr. Goodwin's last +night--doings that I don't think at all respectable--keeping my husband +out half the night." "Oh, not so bad as that, Harriet" (we are cousins, +you know), interrupted I. "As to the exact time I can't say," said Mrs. +H., "but I know he was much later than he ought to have been, and much +later than he promised me he would be, and I don't thank you for helping +to detain him--in fact, from his account you were quite as bad as Mr. G. +himself." "If you knew all," said I, "you wouldn't say that." "If I knew +all," said Mrs. H. "What do you mean"--opening her eyes wide--"if I knew +all? Pray explain yourself." "It is for that reason that I am here," +said I. "Well, what is it?" said the lady, becoming impatient. "But I +know"--making her eyes small again--"you have nothing to tell me; you +only want to excuse and smooth down that very pretty, gentleman-like +trick of deceiving my husband as to the hour. I wonder you were not all +of you ashamed to combine together to tell a falsehood in order to +deceive a poor----" Here she stopped. "Weak silly fellow" I thought was +coming, but she recollected herself in time and stopped, and then said: +"But I'll take care how he goes to Mr. G.'s again, that you may rely on. +And pray, sir" (I saw she was getting warm), "what may this explanation +or excuse be that you say on your card is so _very particular_?" "Why, +really, Mrs. H., though I have come here for this very purpose, I +hesitate to tell you." "But I insist upon knowing, sir, though you have +not acted in this instance as a relative. I consider you are bound in +honour and as a gentleman to tell me what you have called me from a +sick-bed to hear. Pray go on, sir. But tell me, before you do so, how it +was that my bearers were decoyed to eat and drink with Mr. G.'s servants +before they announced themselves. Was that another of his pretty little +devices to induce a husband to break his promises, and spend his evening +away from his wife? A very pretty and respectable leader for all the +young men of the place; but it's quite consistent with his disreputable +mode of life. But for you, a relative, to league yourself with such a +man, and to aid and abet him in his vile arts and practices, it's too +bad--really disgraceful! And then there's that disreputable Doctor, +leaving his wife to spend what he calls a jolly evening. As he doesn't +seem to know it, it's a pity his wife doesn't teach him his duty better, +and she would if she were the right stamp of woman; but she isn't, poor +benighted creature, with her papistry and superstition! If it wasn't for +this she'd teach that good-for-nothing, disreputable husband of hers not +to go on in such a disgraceful way." Here she really couldn't go on for +want of breath, so I said: "But what does the Doctor do that's +disgraceful?" "Does he not leave his wife to spend the night by herself +in order that he may consort with bachelors and boys? He, a married man, +and a medical man too! Isn't that disgraceful? But I suppose not in +your estimation." "On my honour, Mrs. H., I can't see any harm in the +Doctor's spending an evening with a friend, though he has the misfortune +to be a bachelor." "Oh, there are always two ways of putting things, Mr. +B., and if the company in themselves were not highly unbecoming for a +married man and a medical man and a senior to keep, was it not +unbecoming and disgraceful to help in telling a lie? You may not +consider such conduct disgraceful, but I do, sir, especially when I know +the object. Then, to make your party the more select, you could find no +one, besides the vulgar old sea-captain, or whatever he may be, and that +roistering, drinking, smoking, gambling, irreligious young fellow, +Lieutenant Mitchel, making good the old saying, 'Tell me your company +and I'll tell you what you are.'" She had nearly run herself out, but I +was patient, and only said: "Truly, Mrs. H., you have given the whole +party all round a sharp dressing." "Sharp dressing! I only wish I had +the power to do so; you'd see I wouldn't spare them!" ("I'm sure you +wouldn't," said I to myself; but I spoke no word.) "Sharp dressing +indeed! Not half as much as they deserve who invent and tell lies with +intent to do mischief and breed disturbance in families! Faugh! I +haven't patience with such doings or such people! And then your +magnanimous, generous, and hospitable friend, Mr. G., could extend his +hospitality to everyone in the station but poor Mr. Gundert, who is too +poor himself to drink a glass of champagne, though the good man enjoys +it, when he does get it, perhaps a little more than he, as a clergyman, +ought to do. Him Mr. G. couldn't include in his invite. No; a good and +pious, really religious man would be out of place at Mr. G.'s table, and +wouldn't be acceptable, I suppose, either to himself or the rest of the +set he has there." Having now gone all round the ring, and thoroughly +run herself down, she returned to the question which, in her anger and +indignation against Mr. G. and all his friends, she had allowed to +remain dormant for a time, and once more she said: "What is this +explanation that is so 'very particular,' and which nevertheless you, in +your great delicacy and diffidence, hesitate to communicate? Will you +now condescend to mention it, or will you leave it unspoken? Only as I +am not well I request you to come to a decision without more delay." She +then allowed her hands to fall into her lap, and looked me, with her +eyes wide open, full in the face. It was well for me that she hadn't the +strength or claws or fangs of a tigress, or undoubtedly it would have +been bad for me. As it was, I bore her stare without flinching, and +said: "If you will permit me to make the remark, I have been waiting +with some little patience for you to give me the opportunity of making +this explanation. I could not do so sooner without interrupting you." +"Well, sir, I am waiting your pleasure." + +'"Then, Mrs. H., I can truly say that all we did last night was done +with the best intentions, and I am sorry to see that our little harmless +joke has been taken up by you so very seriously." + +'"Harmless joke!" ejaculated Mrs. H.; "a nice sample of a harmless joke +indeed, to deceive an unsuspecting man and make him break his word to +his wife and thereby cause dissensions; a nice harmless joke indeed! But +pray, sir, what do you mean by your 'good intentions'? No doubt they +were as good as your acts. But what do you wish me to understand by the +expression? Pray be brief, and, if you can, candid." + +'"Why, then, Mrs. H., we did it solely to please your husband." + +'"Stop, sir; don't add to your other ill-deeds by insulting Mr. H. as +well as myself. A statement like that is too gross to tolerate." + +'"There it is," said I. "You won't hear me, but keep on pitching into +me, and say that I am insulting H. and yourself." + +'"Yes, sir, I do say so, when you have the assurance to tell me that in +deceiving my husband you did it to please him." + +'"Well, Mrs. H., why won't you let me explain to you my meaning?" + +'"Your meaning is insulting, sir." + +'"Don't be angry, Harriet, without cause." + +'"I have cause; and don't Harriet me. I don't wish to acknowledge +relationship with one who acts so unlike a relation." + +'"Pardon me; I do not act unlike a relative. It is you who imagine that +I act so. Now tell me, is it insulting to imagine that your husband +likes a game at billiards, and that he would like to play the return +game, only that he couldn't in consequence of his promise to you; is +that insulting?" + +'"That is not insulting," returned Mrs. H.; "but I don't see what you +are aiming at, and I know there is something behind." + +'"Well, then, so far, you admit, we were not to blame. Now, to afford +him the opportunity of playing, while all the while he was perfectly +innocent of any intention either to deceive you or to break his promise, +is, after all, not a very serious offence, is it?" + +'"You have certainly honourably exonerated my husband from lending +himself to your practices; but, in doing so, you have taken on +yourselves the whole odium of the proceeding." And, getting angry again, +she said: "Pray, sir, how do you know that my husband really wanted to +play and have this return match, as you say? It is, in spite of all your +ingenuity, a very poor compliment to me as well as to my husband to say +or to insinuate that he preferred your sweet company to mine, for that's +what it comes to." + +'"Oh no; nothing of the sort, Mrs. H. Consider Mr. H. has you always, +and has seldom the chance of a match at billiards." + +'"Thank you, sir; your candour is equalled by your politeness; but I +don't put the slightest faith in your story; I don't believe that my +husband showed, by word or deed, that he would rather stay away from me. +It's a vile insinuation and a libel. If I thought so I'd----But no, +there isn't a particle of truth in the idea. What proof can you bring +forward; what foundation have you for so scandalous a supposition?" + +'"I see you turn everything against me," said I, "and that whatever I +say I only come in for more blame; therefore I'll say no more, though as +to the proofs for our opinion they were palpable enough. People, all as +one man, can't mistake joyous looks, and lively manner, and sparkling +eyes for displeasure or for anything but signs of satisfaction; but I +see you don't believe me, and that I am offending you still more." + +'"You are, sir, both displeasing and offending me. I wonder how you dare +to traduce my husband behind his back in such a way, and to my very +face, too; but, as I said before, it's a vile calumny, and I don't +believe there's a shadow of ground for such an impertinent assumption; +but the moment my husband comes home I shall ascertain if there is, and +if----But I know it's all your evil disposition and imagination. I wish +you good-morning, sir." + +'"Good-morning, Mrs. H.; I'm sorry to see that, instead of mending +matters, as I hoped to do, I have----" + +'"There, sir, that will do," as she swept out of the room, waving me +away from her with her hand. I restrained myself till I got into my +palkee; since then I've done nothing but laugh--shook the palkee so +much, that the boys looked in to see what was the matter; and then I +heard them laughing among themselves, and I have hardly recovered yet.' + +'Upon my word,' said G., 'you possess an amount of cheek that I didn't +give you credit for, nor did I think that little spitfire would let out +so furiously.' + +'But poor H.,' said my brother, 'he got bastinadoed last night, it +appears; and now you have let him in for a second castigation.' + +'Pooh, pooh!' said G.; 'if a man is such an ape as to allow himself to +be so used by that little virago of a wife of his, he deserves all he +gets for staying out an hour later than the time promised--to have all +the dirty water in the house emptied on his head; he well deserves the +libation for submitting to it so tamely; it is a very perfect +illustration of the "palmam qui meruit, ferat."' + +So each of the parties was left to his own mood; G. contemptuous, though +amused; my brother thoughtful, though inclined to laugh; and H. B. +revelling in the fun and perfectly indifferent to everything beside. + +For two months after this date, Mr. and Mrs. H. passed each and every +member of the party at G.'s with averted heads whenever they met them. +Mr. G. and all his friends saluted them on every occasion just as usual, +till at last this dreadful feud was healed, outwardly at least, by Mr. +V.'s good offices; but H. never went again to any of G.'s parties. + + +THE END. + + +_Elliot Stock, Paternoster Row, London._ + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Humour and Pathos of Anglo-Indian +Life, by Dr. Ticklemore + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 40162 *** |