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-The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Humour and Pathos of Anglo-Indian Life, by 
-Dr. Ticklemore
-
-This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
-almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
-re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
-with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org/license
-
-
-Title: The Humour and Pathos of Anglo-Indian Life
-       Extracts from his brothers note-book.
-
-Author: Dr. Ticklemore
-
-Editor: J. E. Mayer
-
-Release Date: July 8, 2012 [EBook #40162]
-
-Language: English
-
-Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
-
-*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE HUMOUR AND PATHOS OF ***
-
-
-
-
-Produced by sp1nd, Martin Pettit and the Online Distributed
-Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This file was
-produced from images generously made available by The
-Internet Archive)
-
-
-
-
-
-
-THE HUMOUR AND PATHOS OF ANGLO-INDIAN LIFE.
-
-Extracts from his Brother's Note-book,
-MADE BY DR. TICKLEMORE.
-
-EDITED BY J. E. MAYER, M.D.
-
-LONDON: ELLIOT STOCK, 62, PATERNOSTER ROW, E.C. 1895.
-
-
-
-
-CONTENTS
-
-  NO.                                                          PAGE
-   I. INTRODUCTORY--'THE ELEPHANTA' AND HER PASSENGERS            1
-
-  II. CAPTAIN WHISTLER, AND LIFE IN CANTONMENT AT SECUNDERABAD   38
-
- III. MISS B. AND HER PRESENT                                    86
-
-  IV. THE DELIGHTS OF INDIAN MUSIC                              103
-
-   V. THE PASSAGE OF ARMS BETWEEN COLONEL I., AND MRS. G.       116
-
-  VI. MAJOR B.'S WELL-DESERVED DISCOMFITURE                     133
-
- VII. THE RACE-STAND AND THE FANCY BALL                         144
-
-VIII. WORSHIPPING TITLED FOLK                                   164
-
-  IX. A REMINISCENCE OF TRICHINOPOLY                            177
-
-   X. CURIOUS MOPLAH CUSTOMS                                    201
-
-  XI. AN HOUR LOST AT MR. G.'S DINNER                           243
-
-
-
-
-No. I.
-
-INTRODUCTORY.--THE 'ELEPHANTA': CAPTAIN TREVANION AND MR. MARSTON.
-
-
-If the reader could call back the flight of time some twenty years, and
-with an Ariel's wing transport him or her self on board the
-homeward-bound P. and O. steamer _Elephanta_, he or she would, on a
-certain evening between the hours of 7 and 8 p.m., or rather on most
-evenings at that time, have seen assembled in the saloon, near the
-piano, some twenty persons, ladies and gentlemen, standing, sitting, or
-lounging about. In the centre of the group stood Captain James Ward, the
-commander of the vessel, a tall, thin, wiry man, with handsome, but
-weather-beaten, features, who had been for many years in her Majesty's
-Navy, and retained in all respects the manner and bearing of a
-gentleman.
-
-On the Captain's right hand sat Lady Jervois, the young widow of old
-General Sir Thomas Jervois, K.C.B., and a very pretty sample of
-widowhood the Lady Sarah was. Her mourning became her wonderfully, and
-showed the graceful outlines of her figure to perfection--a figure so
-beautifully proportioned that the most rigid censor could find nothing
-to object to, unless it might be a slight tendency to _embonpoint_,
-which many regarded as an additional charm. Generally Lady Jervois bore
-her recent loss with beautiful resignation; sometimes, indeed, the
-piquancy of her observations or replies showed that her vivacity, if
-subdued or scotched by affliction, was not altogether killed; and as the
-world at large, and especially small worlds like those on board ship,
-will ever build on slight foundations, the universal opinion seemed to
-be that she would not long remain a widow.
-
-The two ladies next in place to the Lady Sarah were Mrs. Smythe and Mrs.
-Forbes; the former of these ladies sat on the Captain's left hand, and
-the latter next to Mrs. Smythe; both possessed pleasing features, and
-were good-looking persons, and both estimated the value of their
-respective positions to a hair's breadth. Both of them were wives of
-civilians in the Indian Service of about equal standing: the first a
-commissioner, the second a collector. In manners and appearance both
-these ladies had much in common; both exhibited certain points of
-difference, which attracted the attention of the _oi polloi_ on board,
-and probably caused them some amusement. Mrs. Smythe was shocked, and
-felt immediately called on to correct the transgressor, if anyone was
-thoughtless or unmannerly enough to call her Mrs. Smith; and Mrs.
-Forbes, whose sister kept a milliner's shop in Ayr, lost no opportunity
-of calling attention to the pedigree of her husband. She possessed
-several books on heraldry, and was in some degree acquainted with the
-shields, cognizances, and crests of most of the titled families in
-Scotland. She was absolutely perfect in those with whom her husband's
-family had intermarried, or were entitled to claim kindred. Whenever an
-heraldic séance had taken place (as Mrs. Smythe used to term the
-researches and expositions of Mrs. Forbes), the former lady would
-compassionately remark, as soon as her friend was out of hearing, 'Poor
-thing! her little weakness in this respect serves to amuse her and
-occupy her mind; her own family were nobodies, that we all know, and she
-has no children, therefore we must make excuses for her.' Good-nature,
-perhaps, was not one of Mrs. Smythe's strongest points, and she was a
-little over-sensitive regarding the pronunciation of her own name, but,
-nevertheless, her talents as a musician won universal, well-merited
-admiration. A good voice had been greatly improved by good training, and
-the results were very charming. She was also a very superior performer
-on the piano, and was consequently regarded as a great acquisition to
-the whole party on board the _Elephanta_.
-
-Two other ladies only (although the number of lady passengers was nearly
-forty) appear to have attached themselves to the Captain's party. They
-were both spinsters, Miss Perkins and Miss Wiseman. These two girls were
-certainly to be commiserated, inasmuch as they had gone out to friends
-or relatives in India in the hope of exchanging their maiden names for
-some others, and had not succeeded in effecting this much-coveted
-exchange. Their temporary protectors having been removed by death,
-sickness, war, or other unhappy causes, nothing remained for them but to
-return to the land from whence they came. Under such circumstances it is
-not wonderful that an air of disappointment hung over them, and that
-they sometimes gave utterance to remarks that betrayed the feeling which
-it would have been wiser to have concealed. How it happened that these
-young ladies failed to achieve their object I am quite unable to
-explain; they each of them possessed an average share of good looks and
-feminine attractions, nor were they destitute of most of those
-accomplishments in which young ladies strive to shine. They played and
-sang _a little_; they were grand at croquet, first rate at converting a
-glass or delft jug into a china vase; did card and shell marks;
-understood the language of flowers; could talk with their fingers;
-danced round dances with a constancy and resolution that defied fatigue,
-exhaustion, or even daylight; and, to crown all, they were proficients
-in the science of flirtation; they had, in fact, become graduates, by
-adopting the surest road to perfection; they had gained experience by a
-most extensive practice, which commenced before they were thirteen years
-old, and which since then they had never intermitted. With such winning
-cards in their hand, their failure does seem surprising, and might
-almost lead us to question the value of the last-mentioned
-accomplishment, and to ask whether, independent of the case-hardening of
-all young, fresh, and genuine feeling, it may not lead those who resort
-to it to become on all occasions more or less deceitful; and whether it
-may not sometimes recoil on the practitioner by teaching the opposite
-party to practise equal deceit. I leave these questions to be debated
-and considered by those whom it most concerns. I would only protest
-against any argument being deduced from the wide adoption of the
-practice.
-
-I am not writing an essay on 'manners' or 'morals;' I will therefore
-content myself with submitting to the candour and judgment of those most
-likely to be affected by the issue, whether the practice of
-demonstrating special interest and liking for any person, where no such
-feeling exists, may not as often lose a husband as it gains one. I think
-I have seen several instances of such a result. I will not affirm that
-the two young ladies who gave occasion to these remarks were examples in
-point; it is not at all unlikely that they may have been, and that the
-mortification they were then suffering arose from the proficiency
-alluded to. Be this as it may, these two young people, smarting under
-disappointment, were objects for sympathy, as it seemed to me, but the
-society on board entertained, I believe, little of this feeling. 'As
-they have made their beds, so they must lie,' if I mistake not, spoke
-the general opinion regarding them. And the judgment of the passengers
-on board the _Elephanta_ will, I fear, be that of the world at large.
-Let me here urge on those who make the pleasure of the moment their
-guiding star, to lay this truth to heart, that in the battle of life
-those who do not succeed must ever expect, rightly or wrongly, to have
-the cause of failure set down to some fault or failing of their own.
-With this note of warning we leave the ladies, and turn to the gentlemen
-composing the party we are speaking of.
-
-On board our steamer there were several officers of higher military rank
-than Captain Trevanion, but as some of them were distinguished more by
-their epaulettes and cocked hats than by any special qualities, and as
-others did not belong to our party, they call for no special notice.
-
-The reasons that induce us to give the young Captain of Artillery the
-first place in this sketch will appear immediately. His reputation as a
-gallant and accomplished soldier was attested, not only by the medals he
-sometimes wore, and by the general orders which recorded his services,
-but by the unanimous voice of those he commanded. The bursting of a
-shell, which he had caught up and carried to a distance in order to save
-his men, was the cause of his having been sent home; just as he flung it
-away it had burst, shattering his left fore-arm. At first he suffered
-much from the injury (which obliged him to wear the arm in a sling), but
-he rejoiced in it. He knew he had saved his battery, his men knew it,
-and his Queen, who had sent him the Victoria Cross on that account, knew
-it also. Since he had been at sea, so great an improvement had taken
-place that he was beginning to use his fingers again, and was able to
-join in the dance, or in almost any amusement proposed. He possessed,
-moreover, a good voice and a quick ear, which gifts, with a little
-drilling from Mrs. Smythe, soon enabled him to join her in part-songs
-and duets. In addition to his fame as a soldier, and good gifts as a
-vocalist, the Captain was a most unassuming person, always good humoured
-and obliging, for all which reasons, to say nothing of a commanding
-figure and polished address, he was the most popular man on board.
-
-The young gentleman who stood next to Captain Trevanion in general
-estimation was Mr. John Marston, a young civilian, who during the
-fearful scenes so recently enacted in India, by his remarkable
-foresight, decision, and courage, and by the aid solely of his strong
-sense and keen perceptions, read the signs of the times with such
-accuracy, that before any acts of mutiny or rebellion had occurred in
-his district he had taken possession of an old mud fort, disused for
-years past, had it thoroughly cleaned out and repaired, that it might be
-ready, as he said, for use as a granary. He next had the well thoroughly
-cleaned and put in order; he then sent in supplies of every description.
-Having made these preparations, he gradually called in every European
-and Eurasian within his range. By personal application to the
-headquarters of the division, backed by an official request in writing,
-signed by the collector, he obtained a supply of arms and ammunition.
-Finally, by running up mud walls, cajan roofs, pandals, bamboo mats,
-etc., and tents of every size and description, he actually found
-accommodation for one hundred families, besides those of the collector
-and some immediate friends, so that when the impending storm burst on
-the locality in question, and was raging all around, the party in the
-old mud fort were, at least for a time, in safety. Within the area of
-the old mud walls, which were luckily very thick, and about thirty feet
-high, there were located a garrison, amounting to 120 men, counting both
-Europeans and Eurasians. Besides these, there were some twenty native
-servants, mostly ayahs; the men, all of whom, I think, were kitmunghars,
-or dressing-boys, did not amount to half a dozen. No native was
-suffered to go in or out of the place, and none were trusted with arms
-of any kind, for reasons that are obvious.
-
-By means of the mats, punkahs, connats, pandals, etc., noticed above,
-the place was rendered habitable; but still, when all had been done that
-could be done, the ladies with their families had much to endure; they
-did it nobly, with a patient resignation and fortitude that had seldom
-been equalled, never surpassed. As time wore on the surging tide of
-treachery, blood, and cruelty made its way to the district in question,
-and at last the yelling, screaming, hooting crowd of butchers,
-threatening destruction in every shape and form, appeared before the
-fort, gradually spreading themselves on every side. The number of these
-ruffians might at this time amount to about 6,000. The nucleus of this
-swarm of armed natives was composed of the bulk of two regiments of
-Bengal Sepoys, amounting to about 1,000 men; the rest was made up of
-liberated gaol-birds, gang robbers, thieves, and the idle riff-raff to
-be found everywhere. At each angle of the fort small projecting turrets
-had been built, which, by means of some repairs and sandbags, were
-rendered tolerably secure. In each of these turrets four of the best
-shots amongst the defenders were placed, so that every face of the
-building was, to a certain extent, commanded. Sandbags between the
-embrasures were further employed all along the walls, thus affording
-additional protection to the defenders.
-
-After the yelling and howling, accompanied by the beating of gongs and
-tomtoms, and by noises of all kinds, had continued for some time, the
-fire of small arms and gingals was resorted to, and kept up for two days
-and nights, with little intermission, varied by occasionally throwing
-fireballs into the place. These, however, except the burning of the
-cajans, or thatch, of some of the extemporized huts, did little or no
-harm. The continued discharge of gingals and musketry had inflicted no
-damage whatever. Seeing this, and that the siege made no progress, the
-leaders ordered scaling-ladders to be constructed, which was accordingly
-done, and two attempts at escalade were made; both were repelled, and
-considerable loss inflicted on the besiegers. In fact, the garrison had
-so well employed their guns, rifles, and muskets, that more than one
-hundred of their adversaries had been slain, and many more wounded. The
-besiegers had, in consequence, retreated beyond the reach of small arms,
-resolving, it seemed, to trust rather to the effect of starvation than
-to that of storm.
-
-The siege had now lasted six days, and no damage had been sustained by
-the garrison, except the burning of some thatch already noticed, and the
-loss of one young man who had rashly exposed himself--he was shot
-dead--and a poor little girl, going to get water at the well, was killed
-by the rebounding of a gingal-ball. Some few others had been wounded,
-but not severely, and this was all. The great danger to be apprehended
-was that, as large bands of the rebel Sepoys were marching in every
-direction, the besiegers might be powerfully reinforced by numbers of
-men thoroughly well trained and disciplined, and that these last would
-effect by escalade what less numerous and less trained soldiers had
-failed to accomplish. The very thing so much feared did actually occur
-two days afterwards; several thousand of the trained traitors joined the
-besiegers, bringing with them a battery of field-pieces, luckily only
-nine-pounders.
-
-Animated by the possession of artillery, and the presence of so large a
-force of regular soldiers, two desperate attempts to storm the place
-were made on two successive nights, the fire of the guns on each
-occasion having been kept up for many hours without intermission before
-the parties bearing the ladders moved forward; then the fire ceased,
-and the stormers, making a rush, succeeded in planting several ladders,
-up which the men swarmed with the greatest hardihood; but few reached
-the tops of the ladders, and fewer still reached the top of the rampart,
-or lived long enough to raise a cheer or shout to encourage their
-comrades. All were shot, or hurled over the walls; and most of the
-ladders were overturned before anyone could reach the upper steps.
-
-The fire from the walls and turrets during these proceedings was so hot,
-that more than 200 men were slain outright, and many more wounded. The
-besiegers, in consequence, again drew off their forces beyond the range
-of rifle and musket. At this time, the number of foemen surrounding the
-fort could not be less than 9,000 or 10,000; they had completely
-encompassed it on every side. They had pitched tents and erected huts in
-every direction, seeming determined not to move from their position till
-they had effected by starvation what they had failed to compass by
-bolder and more rapid means. Provisions were beginning to fail the
-garrison; all felt they could not war against famine. They had defended
-themselves fifteen days, one against hundreds; but now their doom seemed
-approaching. All were oppressed with the most gloomy anticipations.
-
-In this extremity Mr. Marston called a committee of all who could be
-spared from the walls. When about seventy of the brave defenders had
-assembled, he explained to them the state of matters unreservedly, but
-urged them not to despair, as it was clear, after counting the mouths
-and carefully reviewing the supplies remaining, that by giving out
-half-rations they could still hold out a week or ten days longer, and
-that in this interval there was every hope of relief, if any one of the
-officers commanding a loyal column of sufficient strength could be
-apprised of their situation. Several voices cried out that no one could
-pass through the numerous and watchful lines of the enemy, and that it
-would be certain death to attempt it. Mr. Marston smiled, answering that
-it would be certain death to all not to attempt it. 'I have taken
-measures,' he continued, 'relative to the course of action advisable,
-which I shall communicate when the fitting time arrives. Meanwhile, let
-every man hope for the best, and do his duty as he has hitherto done
-it.'
-
-All, after hearing their young leader's words, and observing his
-cheerful countenance, felt their hopes and courage revive, and all
-determined to hold out to the utmost. Mr. Marston, having arranged for
-the serving out of the reduced rations, called aside two friends--Mr.
-Stewart, a civilian, junior to himself, but one on whose courage and
-determination he knew he could rely, and Assistant-Surgeon Manners,
-attached to the Collectorate, whose cool indifference under fire and
-whose fame as a daring and successful tiger-shot were well known. To
-them, and to Sergeant-Major White, whose services and experience had
-been invaluable during the siege, and who, though old and wanting one
-leg, retained still the courage of a lion unsubdued by years or wounds,
-he spoke as follows:
-
-'My friends, in our present position I see there is but one thing to be
-done. I will myself attempt to penetrate through these thick-set lines.
-Should I succeed, I will, if human effort can effect it, bring you
-relief; if I fail, and fall into the hands of these butchers, you will
-know I did all I could, and died in doing my duty.' 'Marston, you shall
-not go!' exclaimed Manners. 'Your life is more valuable, your headpiece
-twice as good as mine. Send me; I am quite ready, and will do all I
-can.' 'No, no,' said Stewart; 'I am the youngest, and can best be
-spared. Manners, as the only medical man, cannot leave. Send me, my
-dear Marston; I will shrink from no peril, and will go at once.' 'Dear
-friends,' replied Marston, taking a hand of each, while the tremulous
-motion of his lips told how truly he felt their devoted friendship,
-'this is not a time for words. I shall therefore only say, I feel your
-kindness deeply, but cannot accept of it. I am resolved to make the
-assay myself, and do not think me vain if I add that, from habits of
-study and observation, I think I shall run less risk than either of you
-would encounter in such an undertaking.'
-
-The two young men continued to press arguments and entreaties on their
-friend, till he cut Manners short by saying: 'You must, as the only
-medical man, remain here.' And to Stewart he added, with a peculiar
-expression of interest: 'How could you think for a moment, Charlie, that
-I would run the chance of making Clara's bright eyes tearful for a lost
-brother, when I could have saved him! Fie, man! think better of your
-friend. And now for business. You must, all of you, in the first place,
-solemnly pledge your faith to say no word to any soul respecting my
-intention before I go, and afterwards to conceal my departure for as
-many days as may be possible. My only chance of safety depends on your
-silence, and your knowing this will, I am confident, ensure it.'
-
-During the time of siege an aged peon, who had for thirty years been in
-attendance on the Collector, died. His belt, shield, tulwar, and dagger
-were brought into Mr. Marston's tent; then, under the plea of sunstroke,
-his head was shaved, and he was kept in bed till the browning of his
-face, hands, and body with coffee-berries was sufficiently strong; his
-moustaches were then dyed black. After these preparations, he equipped
-himself in every respect like a Collector's peon, and his disguise was
-so perfect when he stood before his friends that even those who had
-watched the various steps by which the metamorphosis was accomplished
-could scarcely believe that John Marston the civilian and the turbaned
-and belted peon before them were one and the same person. But, however
-well calculated for deception the brown skin, shaven head, and
-equipments may have been, Mr. Marston's fitness for the part he had to
-enact did not stop here; his knowledge of the Oordu, Bengali, and other
-dialects of Hindustani, was so remarkable, and so locally idiomatic,
-that he had no difficulty in personating any Moosulman character. He
-felt this, and therefore conceived that he was best qualified to face
-the perils to be encountered in carrying into effect the enterprise
-contemplated.
-
-As soon as the night was sufficiently dark, the newly-manufactured peon
-stood on the parapet, ready, by means of a basket, rope, and pulley, to
-be let down, on that side of the fort completely in shadow, by his two
-friends and the old sergeant, who muttered: 'Had I but the other leg, I
-would gladly go instead of him; but I'm a useless old stump.' 'No, no,
-my good old friend,' said Marston, shaking him cordially by the hand;
-'you are best where you are, and instead of being useless, will be
-invaluable to Stewart, who will find himself strong in your experience.'
-
-The peon now seated himself in the basket, holding on to the rope. No
-words were spoken, except that 'God bless you!' was reiterated as his
-friends, with moistened eyes, lowered the basket. It soon reached the
-ground; the peon stepped out, and moving cautiously, always in the
-shade, was soon lost to sight. His friends watched him as long as he was
-visible, putting up silent prayers for his safety; but no one ever
-expected to see him again.
-
-It would be too tedious to describe the numberless perils and trials
-encountered and surmounted by our wise young peon, through his perfect
-knowledge of the manners and customs of the Moslem race, his
-imperturbable coolness and presence of mind. It is enough to say that,
-after journeying three days and nights, he on the fourth day fell in
-with General Neill's column, who, with his undeviating kindness and
-humanity, as soon as he understood the imminent danger to which the
-party left in the old mud fort were exposed, marched to their relief
-without an hour's delay. During the march the General's only fear seemed
-to be that he might not arrive in time. His constant mutterings as he
-rode at the head of his men, with a wet cloth under his pith helmet,
-took something of this form: 'The bloody, dastardly, treacherous
-scoundrels! May God save the poor women and children, the poor
-defenceless creatures!' 'Keep up, my lads! keep up, for Heaven's sake!
-It's hot work, I know; but remember what you're striving for.' 'I pray
-God to grant us His help, to give us strength to get up before the
-butchers begin their work, and then'--his fiery spirit showing itself in
-his flashing eyes and firmly-set teeth--'then, if we don't let them know
-what cold steel means, may I never see the blessed sun again.'
-
-The noble fellow did live to see the blessed sun again, but not before
-he had inflicted a crushing punishment on those leagued around the old
-mud fort, which he entered amidst the tears, blessings, and convulsive
-sobs of those he had rescued from torture and death. The General's eyes,
-as he looked around, were filled with moisture. 'Dear friends, I haven't
-a hundred hands. I wish I had; but God bless you all! He has granted my
-prayer; He has sent me in time; but had He not long since inspired my
-young friend here with indomitable courage, extraordinary knowledge,
-decision, and foresight, you would never have been placed in a position
-to be defended, nor have had the supplies to enable you to hold out,
-nor should I have had the opportunity, the blessed opportunity, of
-rescuing you.'
-
-Here we bid good-bye to the noble, true-hearted General Neill, who, like
-almost all the men who are good and great, was vilified by the pitiful
-wooden-headed worshippers of red tape. He despised it and them, devoting
-his whole soul to saving the lives of his countrymen, with those of
-their wives and families. He died at the taking of Lucknow,
-comparatively young in years, though old in renown--died as he had
-lived, in the service of his country; but his name still lives in the
-hearts of Britain's sons, enshrined by that halo which undaunted
-courage, guided by strong sense and a pure unpretending love of country,
-alone can give.
-
-The poor people whom he had rescued with one voice poured out their
-hearts in blessings, and with tears in their eyes joined in the prayers
-and shouted the names of Neill and Marston. At first they could scarcely
-realize to themselves that they were safe; after nearly a month of daily
-and nightly dread and danger they could scarcely believe that their
-sufferings were over. To describe scenes like these accurately is
-scarcely possible; such description must be referred to those endowed
-with the highest powers of expression and the most grateful hearts,
-since they alone may imagine, or can picture to themselves or others,
-what they would have felt had they been placed in such a situation, and
-this is all that we can do to make it understood.
-
-In so far lifting up the veil from Mr. Marston's antecedents, more than
-enough has been done, we trust, to explain why, young as he was, his
-reputation stood so high. We feel that the amplitude of the narration
-amounts almost to a digression, yet if the details interest the reader
-half as much as they did the writer when first made acquainted with
-them, their want of brevity may perhaps be forgiven.
-
-The young civilian, wise beyond his years, and the soul of all that had
-been done to shelter and defend his helpless friends, was throughout
-specially cautious that everything required should be done in the name
-of his chief, although the poor old Collector was so overwhelmed with
-the novelty and unexpected horror of the position, that his utmost
-contribution to the measures adopted amounted to no more than a 'Yes,'
-or 'By all means,' or a nod of his head: but by this caution Mr. Marston
-prevented any slur or blame from being thrown on his senior, who, though
-unable to act in such an emergency, was fully capable of appreciating
-the high feeling and delicacy evinced by his junior; and he loved and
-respected him for it, as did every member of his family.
-
-When his friends had been placed in safety Mr. Marston was actively
-employed till the taking of Delhi, which put an end to this horrible
-war. Fatigue, exposure, and constant headwork, added to what he had
-previously undergone, at last broke down the young man's strength, and
-he became so ill that he was advised to return to Europe. The truth was
-that, the excitement being over, there was nothing to sustain him
-against the inroads of disease, and we consequently find him among the
-passengers on board our steamer. Youth, sea air, and buoyant spirits
-soon enabled him to rally, and he became one of the most light-hearted,
-joyous men of the homeward-bound party. He unpacked his cornet (on which
-he played really well) and in a short time almost rivalled the
-popularity of the Captain of Artillery.
-
-There were many officers amongst the passengers who, in very trying
-situations, had nobly upheld their country's fame and honour, and
-several of these were not less worthy as men than agreeable as
-companions, but as they did not possess qualities or accomplishments
-that rendered them conspicuous, we do not notice them individually. The
-exceptions to be made to this somewhat sweeping assertion or statement
-refer to those gentlemen who sometimes described what they had seen on
-the line of march, or gave some account of the various engagements, or
-affairs of less importance, in which they had been personally concerned;
-or to those who sometimes favoured the company with sporting narratives,
-or finally to the doctor of the ship, Dr. Tobias Ticklemore, who was a
-man of observation, had read a good deal, and was withal a very
-good-natured fellow, so that while some smoked and others sipped brandy
-pawney, he could remember or invent some tale for their amusement. He
-therefore occupied a prominent place amongst those who belonged to the
-section of story-tellers, or, as our neighbours would term them,
-_raconteurs_. This partial sketch of the party assembled round the piano
-in the saloon of our noble steamer will, it is hoped, invest their
-conversation and remarks with some interest, which otherwise could
-hardly have attached to them. The ladies and gentlemen referred to shall
-now speak for themselves.
-
-Captain Trevanion and Mrs. Smythe had just finished that charming duet
-between Don Giovanni and Zerlina, 'La ci darem,' to the general delight
-of the audience, and perhaps to their own, if we might guess so much
-from the obvious pleasure with which they received the thanks and
-applause of those around them. After a judicious interval, Captain
-Ward's voice was heard entreating someone to follow the good example
-that had been set. 'Come, ladies, come, gentlemen, do not let me beg in
-vain; we have had a sweet duet, sweetly sung, and previously we had Mr.
-Marston's cornet rendering of "Ah che la morte," which made us long more
-than ever to get home, that we may hear it once again from Mario the
-unapproachable. But we are losing time; will no one help us to charm the
-fleeting hours, yet make them seem too short?' 'Really,' said Lady
-Jervois, 'the Captain grows so poetical that we shall begin to suspect,
-when he tells us he is looking at the sun, that he is communing with
-Apollo.' 'No, dear Lady Jervois, I only seek to find the angle at which
-the sun's ray strikes my sextant, when my chronometer tells me it is
-twelve o'clock. I angle for nothing else.' 'Well,' returned the lady,
-laughing, 'if we accept that statement for fact, I fear you must stand
-convicted by your own admission of great disrespect to the god of day.'
-'How so, lady fair?' 'Why, do you not admit that you seek, in an
-indirect way, to obtain certain information by your angling? And is that
-not equivalent to putting fishing questions to the day god, which is
-very disrespectful? So take care and rein in your wit.' 'How can I do
-that, Lady Jervois, when there is nothing to rein in?' 'What, angling
-again?' returned the lively lady; 'but you will catch no fish this time.
-I won't see the line.' 'Upon my word,' whispered Miss Perkins to Miss
-Wiseman, 'this is, I dare say, very witty, and I suppose classical, but
-I don't know anything about heathen gods and goddesses; nevertheless, it
-seems to me not a bad attempt on the part of my lady widow to get up a
-flirtation.' 'Not at all unlikely, I dare say,' replied Miss Wiseman. 'I
-didn't hear all; there seemed to be a good deal of laughing, though.'
-
-Captain Ward's voice was again audible, begging that someone would sing
-a song. Then, after a silence, 'If that is too great a favour to expect,
-will no one give us an anecdote, or tell us a story? Surely, among so
-many gentlemen who have been in the field, and who are almost all of
-them sportsmen, there must be much to speak of? Come, gentlemen, a tiger
-hunt, a quarrel, a sample of Afghan clemency, a specimen of red-tape, a
-bit of pipeclay, anything, reminiscences, experiences, _quelquechose
-pour passer le temps_.' After a time, 'Is it really so, all silent? Then
-we must ask the Doctor; he has, I know, an inexhaustible stock; he is
-in this respect the double of the "Pasha of many tails." Come, Doctor,
-you are our sole resource.' 'I really can't see that,' returned the
-Doctor; 'upon my soul I can't! How can I be your sole resource so long
-as you affirm that I am the double of some other gentleman, which, if I
-really am, makes me singularly double; which, again, everyone must admit
-is doubly singular?' 'Oh, Doctor, Doctor! how can you go on so?' said
-the two young ladies, tittering. 'And after all your promises of
-reformation and amendment,' said Mrs. Smythe. 'Never mind, Dr.
-Ticklemore,' interposed Lady Jervois, 'your quips and quillets make us
-all laugh, whether we will or no.' 'Don't take his part, Lady Jervois,'
-said Captain Trevanion, 'he's incorrigible, and it was the same from the
-commencement of our acquaintance. The first inquiry I made on reaching
-the deck of the _Elephanta_ was for the Doctor (the then state of my arm
-making me rather anxious to see him); a little sprat of a middy, who
-seemed to be the only person on board in the shape of an officer,
-answered my inquiry by informing me that the Doctor had taken a run on
-shore, but was to be on deck again before eight bells. These adverse
-conditions being beyond my power to control, I had nothing for it but to
-wait, and to amuse myself as best I could. Some tea and dry toast, which
-the steward sent me, and the last number of the _Cornhill Magazine_,
-enabled me to effect this pretty fairly, and by-and-by the looked-for
-son of Esculapius arrived, but in such a pickle that----'
-
-'I say, Trevanion,' exclaimed the Doctor, 'fair play, no tales out of
-school; that would be taking a dirty advantage of a man's misfortunes,
-and be altogether unfair.' 'Well,' returned the Captain, 'there's no
-need to take any dirty advantage; the _statu quo_ was dirty enough in
-all conscience.' 'Oh, let us hear,' exclaimed the ladies, 'pray let us
-hear, Captain Trevanion!' 'Come, Trevanion, don't be so shabby, said
-the Doctor; 'if the incident is to be told, at all events let me tell it
-myself.' 'On one condition,' replied the artilleryman, '_i.e._, that the
-narrative is to be recounted _bonâ fide_, without alteration or
-subtraction; and you'll not make any addition to it, I'm quite sure.'
-
-'But,' said Lady Jervois, 'in enforcing a confession of past misfortunes
-from poor Dr. Ticklemore you seem to me, Captain Trevanion, to be wholly
-oblivious of the charge you brought against him as incorrigible. You
-were about to adduce something in support of this charge, if I mistake
-not? Pray afford us the opportunity of judging of the value of this
-support, and we can hear Dr. Ticklemore's confession afterwards. We, who
-form the jury in this case, are not willing that the accused should be
-borne down by clamour or many words, as I have been told sometimes
-happens in other places.'
-
-'You see, Lady Jervois,' returned Trevanion, 'I was interrupted in my
-narrative by the accused himself, who claimed to be his own reporter in
-this matter, which in courtesy I think we must allow him to be;
-therefore I will only say, judging from his crushed hat and sandy, muddy
-coat, that there had been a fall, and a closer connection with Mother
-Earth than gentlemen generally like to indulge in when attired for a
-ride on the Madras beach. Of how this came about, as he promises to
-inform all present truly, I say nothing, but at the time, seeing him
-under the influence of a little excitement, I did all I could to calm
-and soothe him; I advised his taking a glass of brandy and soda-water,
-which he did. I listened to his statement with a gravity which,
-considering the details, was truly marvellous, even to myself, and
-allowed him in silence to recover his equanimity by giving free scope to
-all and sundry of his pious little wishes for the benefit of more than
-one individual, but specially for that of a certain Mr. Jack Horseyman;
-whom, it would seem, though an old schoolfellow, the Doctor devoted for
-a long time to come to quarters which have so often been described with
-such precision and minuteness as almost to induce suspicion of personal
-acquaintance on the part of those who furnished the interesting details.
-But, be this as it may, this _embarras des richesse_ entirely relieves
-me from the necessity of description. I will merely indicate the
-locality by remarking that I believe they don't want any coals there.
-Having shown my sympathy by my silence, by the gravity of my
-countenance, and by my attention as a listener, I endeavoured still
-further to soothe the Doctor's feelings by telling him some of my own
-mishaps in the hunting-field, and in particular, on the last occasion of
-my putting in an appearance there, the narrow escape that myself and my
-horse had, when both of us, in consequence of coming suddenly on a
-sloping rock, the face of which (from the severe weather) was a sheet of
-ice, slid down near a dozen yards, the horse, as it were, sitting on his
-haunches and actually scraping his hocks. "Oh," observed the Doctor,
-"that was nothing; merely a freak of Mr. Jack Frost, by which he
-converted you both into a pair of slippers." Now I appeal to you, after
-this, if his is not an inveterate form of a disease which, continually
-indulged in, becomes highly criminal, and if he is not justly condemned
-to suffer all the pains and penalties laid down in the statute provided
-for duly restraining and intimidating such stubborn offenders?'
-
-'Why, truly,' said Lady Jervois, laughing merrily, 'you have brought
-forward strong evidence, I confess; but you know one swallow does not
-make a summer.'
-
-'Oh, that argument can scarcely be admitted,' said Mr. Marston; 'I agree
-entirely with Trevanion, Ticklemore is really a dreadful character. It
-was but the other day I remonstrated with him on account of these evil
-proclivities of his. In reply, he asked me, in the gravest manner, if I
-did not know that he was a surgeon? "What's that to do with it," said I,
-"except that it's all the more reason that you should conduct yourself
-with greater sobriety?" "That's all you know about it," retorted he,
-"but you ought to remember that the study of the 'humerus' is a part of
-my profession. Ha!" continued he, "have I caught you on the funny-bone?"
-and then he went off chuckling. "Confound you, you catch one at every
-turn," I muttered, though I could not help laughing. You see, he's
-incorrigible.'
-
-'I suspect,' replied the lady, 'there are more incorrigibles than one;
-but let us hear the Doctor; I see he is about to speak.'
-
-After a pause, Dr. Ticklemore stood up, and with a solemn air spoke as
-follows: 'I thought till now that at least my fair friends would have
-granted me a fair hearing, but instead of that I have not even been
-allowed to state the reasons that make it impossible for me to comply
-with Captain Ward's request. I have been interrupted by false friends--I
-might say covert and insidious enemies'--('Hear, hear,' from Captain
-Trevanion and Mr. Marston)--'for no other purpose than to harrow my
-feelings, and exhibit their own malicious enjoyment of another's woe by
-trumpeting forth little matters not worth repeating, each discharging an
-envenomed arrow because of the trivial passing confidences which my
-guileless disposition and trusting nature had induced me to make.
-"Friendship's but a name," the poet says, and I, alas! have found it
-so.' (Loud laughter from the gentlemen, with 'Bravo, Doctor; you have
-made a capital defence,' the ladies joining in the laughter, allowed
-that the Doctor had come off with flying colours.) 'But,' said Lady
-Jervois, 'what about the crushed hat and muddy coat? I should like to
-hear something about these little matters.' (Cries of 'Explain, explain!
-listen to the Doctor's explanation.') 'Lady Jervois, and ladies and
-gentlemen all,' returned Dr. Ticklemore, 'I have promised that I would
-explain these mysteries, and I will do so; but, like men in more exalted
-places, when certain explanations are called for I do not find the
-present time convenient, or the public welfare will not permit me at
-present to be more explicit, so I would rather, if you will graciously
-concede so much to me, finish the argument referring to Captain Ward's
-request.' 'Oh!' said the lady, 'it is impossible to deny a solicitation
-urged in a manner so complimentary; pray proceed, Doctor, with your
-argument.' ('Go on,' from all sides.) 'You see,' said Dr. Ticklemore, 'I
-had not said half I intended to say when I was interrupted; but now that
-the sequence of the propositions has been broken, I am required to go
-on. It will not be so easy for me to show their logical dependence one
-on the other as it would have been. The fact is,' continued the Doctor,
-'you were most of you in such a hurry to condemn me, that you would not
-let me speak when I was ready to do so, and now I must rearrange my
-ideas.' 'We admit you have been very ill used,' said Lady Jervois, 'but
-pray go on. We are all sure that there will be no difficulty about your
-ideas if you don't make any. Once more we pray of you to proceed.' 'Pray
-go on,' said Captain Ward; 'you may be sure, after this alarming
-preface, he has more crackers to let off.' ('Go on, Doctor; go on,' from
-all sides.) 'Well,' said the Doctor, 'to stop me in the middle of my
-speech, as you have done, is rather an Irish mode of getting me to go
-on, isn't it? But I suppose it's like the remark about the crackers, to
-be taken by contraries; you say, go on, but I apprehend you mean, go
-off!'
-
-More tittering and laughter, but this time the Doctor would not be
-stopped.
-
-He continued thus: 'You, Captain Ward, have gravely affirmed that I am
-someone's double, which is neither more nor less than stating that I am
-a ghost, an immaterial airy nothing; but let me tell you that it is not
-immaterial to me to be made nothing of; it is not treating me with the
-respect due to a man of my weight. Besides, although you are so ready to
-deny my gravity, and to accuse me of lightness in many respects, even in
-my behaviour, you will find that the force which pulls all things over
-the surface of the globe towards its centre requires upwards of twelve
-stone to counterbalance my corporeal entity, which, I take it, is a very
-good material proof that if I am a ghost, or, as you term it, a double,
-I am also an individual of some weight. Now if I am myself and also a
-double, I must be something besides myself; for such a one to attempt to
-comply with Captain Ward's request would not only prove him to be an
-insane double, but doubly insane; therefore you see----'
-
-'Hear the fellow!' cried Captain Ward. 'Never did a thimble-rigging
-Political double as he is doing. I'll tell you what, Dr. Tobias
-Ticklemore, if you don't stop your atrocities, which are ten times worse
-than those of the Bulgarians,[1] for yours are not manufactured in
-nineteen cases out of twenty by the Russians, but are actually
-perpetrated before our very faces, and in the presence of those whose
-nerves ought to have been spared such terrible trials, I see, we shall
-be obliged to order a drumhead court-martial, and we'll call in Judge
-Lynch to act as provost-marshal, who always convicts, and not only
-convicts, but carries sentence into execution with such wonderful
-rapidity that the offender is suspended almost before he can look round;
-so be wise in time, Toby Tickle, or you'll get a tickler for Toby, that
-you may rely upon.'
-
-'Oh,' replied the Doctor, 'if you really have the cruelty, the
-inhumanity, the barbarity, to threaten me with _sus. per col._, I fancy
-I must not hang fire lest I hang myself! Nevertheless, I think it due to
-myself to protest against the whole proceeding as illegal; there is a
-manifest flaw in the indictment. Your orthography is all wrong; I have
-neither three tails, nor many tails.'
-
-'That's being hypocritical as well as hypercritical, Doctor, if not
-contumacious; spell it another way, and you have not three tales, but as
-many as you please.'
-
-'Oh, oh!' said the Doctor, 'is that the plan you would adopt to get
-innocent people into trouble? but you won't take anything by your
-motion, for I shall presently show that, spell the words as you will,
-tails and tales are in truth equivalents. "T" is common to both words,
-and therefore goes for nothing, being equal to itself; and ales, at
-least in India and all tropical climates, is represented by ails;
-therefore, whichever way you spell the word, you gain nothing. For the
-second part of the word has been shown to be equivalent to the second
-part of the second word; and the first part of the first word having
-been found equal to the first part of the second word, the two wholes
-are found to be equal, Q.E.D.'
-
-'Gentlemen,' said Captain Ward, 'what do you say to this--is it not
-intolerable? Is it not trifling, barefaced trifling, with authority?
-After the atrocities of which this man has been convicted, on the most
-unanswerable evidence, that of our own senses, for him to begin again
-in the same strain is clearly an aggravation of the original offence; to
-me it seems a case of unexampled audacity, deliberate and premeditated,
-with his logic, his mathematics, and his Q.E.D. I declare, I think there
-is nothing for it but to confirm the sentence reserved for
-consideration, and on account of the aggravation to order that the
-suspension be carried out in chains.'
-
-'Oh, horrible! most horrible!' cried the Doctor; 'then I must bend to
-fate. No one likes suspense, to say nothing of the chains, and I in this
-am no exception to the world at large. True, I have seen men hung in
-chains who seemed to be proud of them, and wore them ostentatiously,
-but----'
-
-'But, sir,' said Captain Ward, 'you are keeping us in suspense, thereby
-incurring heavier penalties. Remember, alacrity in the performance of
-duty is the only way to obtain mitigation, or the sentence will have to
-be carried out in chains.'
-
-'Chains,' said the Doctor, 'are horrible--chains of all kinds, except
-silken ones, of which I have no knowledge save by hearsay.'
-
-'Oh, oh!' cried Miss Perkins, 'who do you think will credit that
-statement, Dr. Ticklemore?'
-
-'And why do you wear that gold locket that you never show to anyone?'
-said Miss Wiseman.
-
-'I fear, ladies,' observed Captain Ward, 'that this Doctor is a gay and
-faithless character, and an old offender against a certain little deity
-that it is not necessary to describe more particularly just now; he has
-for other offences been convicted as an incorrigible, and is at this
-very time under sentence of _sus. per col._, unless he saves himself by
-ready obedience to the order of the Court; therefore it may be as well
-to postpone the consideration of this additional charge relative to the
-locket till we see how he conducts himself: if truculent and refractory
-he knows his doom, if, on the contrary, he exhibits a proper and decent
-penitence for his manifold offences, and incontinently addresses himself
-to his task----'
-
-'Incontinently!' exclaimed the Doctor. 'Surely, Captain Ward, you would
-not recommend anything bordering on that in the present company.'
-
-'You abominable misinterpreter of words! you know very well that I used
-the expression in the sense of quickly, immediately.'
-
-'Oh,' said the Doctor, with as much simplicity as he could throw into
-his countenance, 'I am greatly relieved; but, in truth, Captain Ward,
-knowing my highly delicate and sensitive moral organization, you should
-be more considerate.'
-
-While this colloquy was going on, a shade of more than usual gravity was
-visible on the features of the fair auditors, and the laughter of the
-gentlemen was immoderate. Captain Ward's only remark was: 'Really, the
-cool temperature of that fellow is without parallel; it is a pity he's
-not an Irishman. He ought assuredly to have been born one, for he
-certainly is what they term "a broth of a boy"; but come, let us have an
-end of this "bald, disjointed chat." Pray make yourself a little
-agreeable, Doctor; give us something to amuse us, and for a time forget
-your quibbles, your "pribbles and prabbles," as good Sir Hugh has it.'
-
-'Well, as you ask so pretty, as our juvenile friends say, and will
-promise not to abuse me any more, I'll try what I can do; but it must be
-something very short. It will soon be eight bells, and then we break up
-for the evening.'
-
-'Don't waste any more time, then,' said Lady Jervois, 'and instead of
-abusing we'll all combine to praise you.'
-
-We have no record of Dr. Ticklemore's short tale. All we know of it is
-that it amused the ladies very much; and of course, being approved by
-the fairer half of the creation, the gentlemen were in a manner
-compelled to applaud too. The next morning the Captain appeared to be
-specially occupied with his maps and charts, and two of the boats, each
-in charge of a junior officer, were sent out to take soundings, while
-the _Elephanta_ scarcely moved on her way. The Captain suspected that an
-under-current had carried the vessel several points to leeward, and, if
-this were not seen to in time, we should not make Suez so nicely as he
-wished. Leaving the Captain, who was not only a thorough seaman, but a
-most careful officer, to attend to these matters, the party on board
-occupied themselves according to their inclinations: the ladies brought
-up their work, as there was a fair breeze, which under the awning was
-pleasant enough; and the gentlemen either wrote, or read, or chatted, or
-made arrangements for the evening with the ladies who sang or played. 'I
-wish I was a vocalist,' said Lady Jervois. 'Do you?' said Captain
-Trevanion; 'tell me why.' 'Oh, everyone wishes to be accomplished as a
-musician, and I can do nothing in that way but play over the lessons I
-learned at school.' 'Suppose it be so, it is not too late to learn. When
-at home you will find numberless ladies capable and willing to help you
-to cultivate music.' 'Ah, Captain Trevanion, they can't give me a
-voice.' 'But how do you know that you have no voice?' 'Oh, they told me
-so at school, and I feel I have no voice.' 'You must not set things down
-against yourself; don't give up till you have had the opinion of a
-first-rate master, and, if I may advise, I should say, go about and
-hear as much good music and singing as you can.' 'I think I'll take your
-advice; it is at all events very agreeable, should it not eventually
-help me.' 'Ah, but I think it will!' said Marston, who had been standing
-by during the whole colloquy. 'And now, Lady Jervois, if you will go
-with us to the piano, and do us the honour to listen to our practice for
-the evening, you will, as it were, be taking the first step in your
-projected course of study, only under amateur musicians instead of
-masters. Mrs. Smythe will, I am sure, feel highly complimented by your
-attention to the practice. Here she comes.' 'Dear Mrs. Smythe,' said
-Lady J., 'will you permit an untaught ignorant creature like myself the
-pleasure and advantage of hearing your practice?' 'Dear Lady Jervois,'
-returned Mrs. Smythe, 'your presence at the practice will give us all
-sincere pleasure, and be esteemed a great compliment, too.'
-
-Thus Lady J. became a regular attendant on the morning practice of the
-musical party, and of course became more intimate with them than she had
-been before. When the practice was over the party dispersed--some to
-chess, some to read, and some to play at the old game of 'Crambo' (in
-which they all eventually joined); and though they might not manage so
-well as Queen Elizabeth and Sir W. Raleigh did, still it caused some
-amusement.
-
-When the din of tongues, and the mutual raillery and the laughing
-consequent on the game at 'Crambo' had subsided, Captain Ward and
-Trevanion sat down to a game at chess. They selected for their opening
-move that subtle one known as the Evans Gambit. They had scarcely begun
-when Lady J. came to the table, and seated herself near enough to watch
-the game. She said, 'Don't mind me; I promise not to speak a word; but
-though a very indifferent player, I am fond of the game.' After a tough
-battle it ended in a draw.
-
-'I did not know you were a chess player, Lady J., or I should long since
-have asked for a game.' 'I fear you are laughing at me; I am not at all
-strong enough to contend with you.' 'But you will give proof, I hope, as
-I am one of those stiff-necked people who take nothing on trust.' 'Oh,
-you may take my word for that--on trust.' 'But will you not give me
-proof?' 'Certainly, to-morrow morning, if you like. It is too late
-to-day to begin a game.' 'But it is not too late, if you do not know it,
-to show you Philidor's legacy.' 'I do not; yet I should like to know
-it.' 'It arose in this way. It is admitted that you cannot give
-checkmate with _two_ knights.' 'I think I have heard so.' 'In one of the
-cafés of Paris, and in Philidor's presence, this was strongly insisted
-on. He heard all that was said, and then asserted that he would give
-checkmate with one knight, and without any other piece or pawn to assist
-it. One of the speakers said in reply, "I'll bet you £1,000 you don't."
-"Very well, I take your bet," said Philidor. "Mind, you are not to have
-any piece or pawn to help you." "The checkmate shall be perfect and
-complete by the move of one knight alone," returned Philidor.' 'And,
-pray, how was it accomplished?' inquired Lady J. 'That I shall now have
-the pleasure of showing you,' said Trevanion. And to the lady's no small
-delight he showed how the checkmate with one knight was brought about.
-(I see since this was written that the final position in Philidor's
-legacy is published in one of the periodicals of the day as a problem,
-but without giving the credit to the famous old master, whose ingenuity
-and skill in playing the game so as to arrive at the position in
-question seems almost beyond human power to conceive.)
-
-Lady J. had not attended the morning practice longer than a fortnight,
-when the benefit derived from it was perceptible, not only to herself,
-but to others. In order to gain courage and to strengthen her voice, she
-sang at first in unison with Mrs. Smythe a number of sweet and admired
-airs: 'Oh! come to me when daylight sets'; 'You shall walk in silk
-attire'; 'Oft in the stilly night,' and a great many simple melodies.
-Finding that she could remember these airs and sing them to herself gave
-great pleasure to Lady J. and to her friends too; she found that her
-voice was gaining power, and Mrs. Smythe declared that her ear was true,
-and that if the voyage had lasted another month she would have been able
-to take part in glees and duets. 'I fear you are flattering me too
-much,' returned Lady J.; 'but I certainly shall persevere.' 'I told you
-long ago that you were wrong to set the thing down against yourself, did
-I not?' said Trevanion. 'And I threw in my little help, did I not?' said
-Marston. 'You both did, and so encouraged me, that I am now hopeful of
-myself.' 'When we get home, and you meet with a good teacher, I'll bet a
-dozen pairs of gloves that in less than six months you take part in any
-of the duets or glees we are practising now.' 'I will not venture on a
-bet, but really, I do feel infinitely more hopeful than I was!'
-
-The _Elephanta_ was now at Suez, and as usual the weather was so
-dreadfully hot that no pastimes nor amusements could be thought of; to
-exist was a difficulty, and it was the same all through the Red Sea, and
-so it continued till the party reached Alexandria. Then came the bustle
-and trouble of transhipment to the steamer for England, and the
-delightful change of the Mediterranean breeze and cool climate for the
-dreadful heat of the Red Sea. All the passengers enjoyed the change
-immensely; the walking the deck was so enjoyable that it superseded all
-other modes of passing time. Trevanion and Lady J. were indefatigable in
-taking this exercise. This attracted the notice of Miss Perkins and her
-friend Miss Wiseman; the former observed that she perceived that the
-widow was a great general. 'She first flirted with Captain Ward, but
-finding that was of no use, she took up the singing line, and that seems
-to have answered much better. Trevanion is evidently spoony.' 'I thought
-so too, when I saw them walking the deck morning and evening.' 'The
-truth is, my dear, that there is no being up to a widow--no, they come
-over a man when he's not thinking of anything.' 'That's just it, they
-take him altogether unawares. Now, to think of that cunning creature
-pretending to want to learn to sing, merely to get on terms of intimacy
-with that spoon Trevanion, and he so dull and so besotted with his music
-that he does not see it.' Much more in the same strain was said, which
-it is not worth while to put down.
-
-The new steamer, the _Bucephalus_, tore along at a great rate, and
-passed some of the most interesting and storied scenes the world has to
-show. As the Pillars of Hercules were passed, and the noble vessel
-pointed towards old England, the anxiety to get the first glimpse of the
-dear land was so great that some of the passengers sat up all night. At
-last the ship came in sight of the blessed shore, and shortly afterwards
-anchored off Southampton. When the ladies were safely landed, and with
-their luggage installed in the Grand Hotel, the gentlemen, after seeing
-that their own goods and chattels were all right, adjourned with the
-whole party to the breakfast-room.
-
-The breakfast was scarcely finished, when two strangers appeared to take
-charge of Mrs. Smythe and Mrs. Forbes; one of them a brother of the
-first-named lady, the other first-cousin of the latter. These
-gentlemen, anxious not to lose the train for Scotland, scarcely allowed
-the two ladies time to say good-bye to their friends who had been their
-late shipmates. This was, however, at last accomplished, with promises
-of corresponding, the gentlemen vociferating, 'Come, or you will lose
-the train!' and they were off to the land of cakes. Shortly after
-breakfast was over, down came Lady J. dressed for travelling. 'You go, I
-think,' said Trevanion, 'to your aunt, Lady Drummond, in Eaton Square?'
-'Yes,' replied Lady J.; 'and you go to the Army and Navy Club?' 'Yes,'
-said Trevanion. 'And I,' said Marston, 'am bound for the Selwyns' in
-Devonshire.' 'I think I have heard a whisper that there are certain
-bright eyes in Devon that are irresistible on this occasion.' 'Ah,
-Trevanion,' said Marston, looking a little red and conscious, 'you have
-been a traitor! I see how L. J. has become possessed of my secret.' 'I
-really could not help it,' said Trevanion, laughing. 'Let me say,' said
-Lady J., 'though I have never seen the fair young creature, that with
-all my heart I wish you every success, Mr. Marston, and every future
-happiness.' 'Hearty and sincere thanks,' returned the young gentleman,
-blushing deeply, in spite of himself; 'and may I shortly be in a
-position to congratulate you, Lady Jervois?' It was now the lady's turn
-to look down to her feet, as a blush mantled over her beautiful
-features. 'Well, Marston,' said Trevanion, coming to the lady's
-assistance, 'when shall we see you in town again? But, perhaps that is
-not a fair question, as it will probably depend on another's will.'
-'Come, come, you shut up! It's a comfort to think that there are a pair
-of us. Now let me shake hands, and bid good-bye to Lady Jervois.'
-
-When Marston was gone, only Miss Perkins and Miss Wiseman, beside
-themselves, were left of all the party which had landed that morning.
-Lady J., with her usual kindness, asked them if they were bound for
-London; they said they were. Then said Lady J., 'You had better come
-with us; Trevanion and I have secured a first-class carriage to London,
-therefore your doing so will put us to no expense, and no
-inconvenience.' 'How can you say so!' whispered Trevanion. 'I reckoned
-on the privacy of our ride to say a great many things that I could not
-so well say before. But you, you wicked creature, have entirely spoilt
-my plan.' 'And did you not deserve it, sir, for planning anything so
-deliberately wicked?' And as she said this her eyes sparkled and danced
-with sportive malice, and Trevanion was more hopelessly in love than
-ever.
-
-In the meantime the two young ladies were profuse in their
-acknowledgments of Lady J.'s kindness and generosity. And so the party
-managed to get to London, where the young ladies made their adieux; and
-then Trevanion, having ordered a close carriage to take them to Eaton
-Square, looked exultingly at Lady J.; but she was peremptory, and then
-an open carriage was ordered. I am quite at a loss to guess why she was
-so determined as to these arrangements, but, nevertheless, the ride was
-very delightful. Trevanion held Lady J.'s hand in his all the way, and
-this rewarded him for everything! There was a sweet long pressure of
-hands ere the two parted, and the look of tenderness that stole from
-Lady J.'s eyes overcame Trevanion so entirely that he hardly knew what
-he was doing or saying. Lady Drummond sent out the most kindly
-invitation to Trevanion, which he did not accept, begging to be excused
-till the next day; he then bade adieu to Lady J., and as he did so felt
-more depressed than he had ever felt in his life, and as if all around
-was gloom; he felt truly that the sun of his life was gone.
-
-The next day, about two p.m., Trevanion called in Eaton Square, and to
-his great mortification found that the ladies had gone out; he left a
-card for each of them, and tried to console himself as best he could. He
-then went to look at a horse that Colonel Brisbane, who was about to
-return to India, wished to dispose of; a very handsome creature,
-warranted to be sound in wind and limb, for which eighty guineas was to
-be paid. 'Well,' said Trevanion, 'I'll try him in the "Row" this
-evening, and if he suits me, I'll buy him.' The horse went beautifully,
-and seemed to feel at once that he had a rider on his back, and the
-rider was so pleased with him, that he made up his mind to take him; and
-after he had been round the Row, he was enjoying an easy canter, when he
-was obliged to rein up by a stylish pony phaeton, drawn by a pair of
-silver grays not quite fourteen hands high, but very lovely. Two ladies
-sat in the front, and the younger one was driving; a groom sat behind.
-The recognition between Trevanion and the younger lady was
-instantaneous, and immediately after the introduction to Lady Drummond
-had taken place, she said that she regretted she was out when he called,
-but they did not think he would have chosen so early an hour, and
-thought that they should be at home in time to see him.
-
-'Ah!' said Trevanion, 'all this arises from those vile Indian customs I
-have got used to, but I shall become more civilized by-and-by.' 'No,
-no,' said the lively old lady; 'it arises from your formality and
-stiffness in refusing my invitation yesterday.' 'You are exceedingly
-kind to say so,' returned Trevanion. 'I suppose you'll adhere to it now
-by refusing my invitation for this evening?' 'No, Lady Drummond, I
-accept it with great pleasure, but as I have no groom with me, I must
-ride back with the horse to Colonel Brisbane's stables, and return for
-the evening; he won't be mine till the Colonel has got his price.' Both
-the ladies were loud in their praises of the horse, and were glad that
-he was to become Trevanion's property. 'And now,' said the gentleman, 'I
-must go and dress, and I have no time to spare.' 'Now, mind you are
-there in time--eight p.m. precisely.' 'I will be punctual, depend upon
-it, Lady Drummond.' 'Well, I do in some sort depend upon it, for reasons
-I don't think it necessary to mention just now,' and away went the
-ladies, and away went Trevanion, after the bows and _au revoirs_ had
-been duly paid.
-
-As he anticipated, he spent a most pleasant evening. He found Lady
-Drummond a very agreeable, sensible, and frank old lady, and
-consequently found himself at home at once. The presence of Lady J., a
-real personification of grace and beauty, whose quiet happiness beamed
-in every glance, insensibly enhanced the enjoyment and pleasure of all
-three, the two ladies and their visitor. Trevanion, in fact, reckoned
-this evening as one of the white periods of his life.
-
-It will be neither amusing nor instructive to trace the progress of a
-courtship where everything was in favour of the lovers. The consent of
-friends, mutual inclination, and ample means, made everything smooth.
-The one cloud was the necessity of going to India for some years. At
-this time cards from Mr. and Mrs. Marston reached our friends, with
-letters in which M. declared that he would stay at home to the last
-possible day, his Clara not liking the thought of India, though the
-darling was willing to go anywhere with him. Trevanion wrote back to say
-that his marriage was finally arranged, and would shortly come off,
-which it did on the 10th of the following month, when Captain Trevanion
-and Lady Jervois were made one. They spent their honeymoon at a pretty
-old ivy-covered place called the Priory, which was lent to them for the
-occasion by a friend of Lady Drummond's. When the honeymoon was over,
-they went to Italy, where they spent some time. They visited Juliet's
-reputed tomb in Verona; then they passed on to Venice and read
-Shakespeare and Otway with redoubled zest, 'swam in gondolas' daily
-while there, then returned on their footsteps, stayed a few days at
-Fiorenza, and did not forget to see and admire 'the statue that enchants
-the world.' They then determined on a short stay at Rome, where the
-wonders of the Vatican delighted them greatly. The exquisitely expressed
-agony of the Laocoon, the matchless, manly beauty of the Apollo, the
-resolute endurance and suffering of the Dying Gladiator, indelibly
-impressed themselves on their remembrance. To use their own words, these
-marvels spoke in stone. Nor were the masterpieces of Michael Angelo,
-Raphael, and others overlooked, but the bare enumeration of them would
-take up too much of our space and time.
-
-They returned home saturated with admiration and enthusiasm for Italian
-sculpture and painting. Nor did they come home altogether empty-handed.
-They brought with them some lovely specimens of Italian work as presents
-for friends and relatives. These were too many to be separately noticed,
-but a Hercules destroying two centaurs was particularly admired, and was
-much prized by Lady Drummond, to whom it was given; and a Theseus
-delivering Ariadne from the sea monster, which was sent to Mrs. Marston,
-was so much thought of by that lady and her friends, that she declared
-it to be the most beautiful specimen of sculpture she had ever seen, and
-she wrote such a charming letter to Lady Trevanion on the subject, that
-it gave rise to a kind and affectionate correspondence between the two
-ladies, though they had never seen each other. However, in the spring
-Mrs. Marston, with her little boy, arrived in town, and there the
-ladies became almost inseparable. The last we heard of them was, that
-they were the two special attractions at a grand ball given by Lady D.
-just before Captain and Lady Trevanion sailed for India. Mr. and Mrs.
-Marston remained at home another year, then reluctantly embarked for the
-land of the East.
-
-FOOTNOTE:
-
-[1] The author is quite aware of the anachronism, but hopes it may be
-pardoned for the sake of its applicability.
-
-
-
-
-No. II.
-
-CAPTAIN WHISTLER, AND LIFE IN CANTONMENT AT SECUNDERABAD.
-
-
-In the year 18--, the ---- Regiment, Madras N.I., marched for the
-cantonment of Secunderabad. The march was accomplished in the average
-number of days without any more serious mishap or sickness than was
-usual in those days, owing to the wise precautions taken by the officer
-in command, in communication with the doctor of the regiment. The length
-of each march being known, the hour of rising and commencing it was so
-fixed as to enable the men to reach the ground appointed before the sun
-was powerful; this, on an average, fell out between six and seven a.m.
-No encamping ground whereon any large party of human beings, or any
-other regiment, had halted was ever made use of for their purpose,
-experience having shown that the poison of cholera dwells in such places
-long after the people have departed from them, and in some cases even
-when (as reported) the former sojourners had not been afflicted with
-this terrible disease. The débris which they leave, and other foul
-matters, appear to generate the plague when fresh men occupy the ground,
-if such incautious reoccupation occurs within the period of twenty or
-thirty days. The camp was always pitched as far from the villages as
-convenience would permit, and placed, wherever possible, on high open
-ground. The reward of these precautions was that the regiment reached
-Secunderabad without losing a man.
-
-We had escaped the cholera, but as we approached the Kistnah we became
-unpleasantly acquainted with another of the pests of India. It is true
-that tigers are found more or less frequently all over the country, but
-wherever there is much low jungle, high grass, reeds and rushes, these
-monstrous striped cats are very numerous. The complete cover afforded by
-this kind of vegetation encourages their increase greatly, and then they
-become so formidable that no one dares singly, or, indeed, without a
-strong escort, to pass or repass through such places. They will even, if
-they are hungry, attack a whole regiment, which, with the families of
-the Sepoys and followers, will scarcely number less than 4,000 or 5,000
-souls--men, women, and children; accompanied by some hundreds of
-animals--horses, dogs, donkeys, and bullocks, and sometimes also by
-elephants and camels. The noise and hubbub of such a camp, the lights
-and fires at night, would, it might be imagined, be sufficient to keep
-these beasts at a distance, but it is not always so. Even before eight
-p.m., when silence is (in well-regulated camps) imposed on all, as all
-are supposed to retire to rest at this hour in order to rise for the
-early march, the tiger will spring into the midst of men and animals,
-tents, etc., seize an unfortunate tatoo, or donkey, or man, and bound
-with his prey over all impediments. But more commonly he defers his
-attack till all is quiet, and most of the lights and fires are
-extinguished or reduced to a few glowing embers here and there, and when
-nothing is heard but the sentry's 'All's well!' Then is the time when
-this ferocious animal is most to be feared, especially if the moon is
-up, as it affords him light enough to select his victim, but does not
-give the latter time or opportunity to provide against it, neither can
-others follow in pursuit, the robber being generally lost to sight in a
-few seconds; but even in this case the rule is not absolutely without
-exception, as I shall shortly show.
-
-The loss sustained from these feline thieves during our march was first
-that of a draught bullock, which was taken out of the midst of the camp,
-or out of that part of it occupied by the camp followers. There was a
-great noise of men and dogs, and some Shikaries, who were with the camp,
-sent a few shots after the thief, but he was so soon lost to sight that
-they may have been fired less from sight than from guess. The second
-capture occurred on the night following that on which the bullock was
-carried off: it was of an unfortunate tatoo (pony) belonging to a
-Jemadar, who could ill afford to lose it, as he was an old man not well
-able to march. He had not long, however, to overtax his strength by
-marching, as the officers of his company subscribed twenty rupees to
-enable him to buy another pony, which he soon did, rejoicing that the
-tiger had taken his former one away, as, by the generosity of the
-officers, he had secured a much younger and better one.
-
-The next march brought the regiment to the banks of the Kistnah, one of
-the large rivers of India; there the officers and men had an opportunity
-of seeing those round boats which we read of in Herodotus, and which we
-are told were used in the days of Semiramis. They certainly answered the
-purposes for which they were used exceedingly well. They are made of
-pieces of split bamboo and bamboo mats, and externally they are covered
-with bullock hides sewed together and stretched whilst moist over the
-bamboo frame-work, to which they are securely fastened. It is
-astonishing what weights these round boats will carry when they are new
-and well made. Guns, with their carriages, every kind of cart, besides
-men and animals, go safely across deep and broad rivers. This, however,
-we did not practically know till the next morning, when, in obedience to
-orders, the regiment crossed the Kistnah on these primitive machines,
-and without difficulty or accident.
-
-On the day before the crossing was effected, a man was taken out of the
-very midst of the camp shortly before eight a.m., and that although
-everyone was on the alert and watchful, knowing that they were in near
-vicinity to high grass and jungles abounding with tigers, and bearing in
-mind, besides, the warnings which they had received on the two preceding
-nights. In consequence of this state of watchfulness, scarcely two
-minutes elapsed before a strong party of men and officers were in hot
-pursuit of the man-eater, aided by several dogs. The beast was, as
-heretofore, almost immediately lost to sight, but the dogs showed the
-track the tiger had taken, so the men were able to continue the chase.
-The sagacity of the dogs in following up was very remarkable, either
-instructed by the experience of the two preceding nights or by their
-natural intelligence. Though following the scent continually, they were
-very careful not to go farther than a few yards in advance of their
-masters, seeming to be quite aware that they would be wholly unable to
-cope with the enemy they were in pursuit of. This prudence on their part
-was noticed by the men and the officers, and was encouraged by them.
-
-Suddenly the dogs halted, barked, and uttered a plaintive cry; the
-officers brought their rifles forward, but, not perceiving the tiger,
-they carefully walked forward, ready to fire on the instant. At this
-moment a Shikari called out that there was something on the road, and
-the next instant that it was the man who had been carried off. All then
-hastened up to him, and found him weltering in a pool of blood, which,
-on interrogating him, they found was not his own; it was almost entirely
-that of the tiger. The poor fellow had been so shaken and exhausted
-that at first he could scarcely explain himself; however, a small dose
-of brandy, the sense of safety, and the encouragement he received from
-all round him, soon restored him sufficiently to enable him to explain
-how he had effected his marvellous escape. It further appeared, both by
-his own statement and that of the surgeon (who was one of those who had
-gone in pursuit), that though his side was torn and lacerated by the
-teeth of the beast, he had sustained no broken bones, nor, indeed, any
-actual injury.
-
-His story was this: at first he was so stunned by the shock of the
-tiger's spring that he was hardly conscious of the grip that fastened on
-him, or of the spring which carried him out of the camp; his first
-feeling of consciousness informed him of his position, and that he was
-being rapidly carried along to be devoured at leisure. The prospect was
-so unpleasant that he bethought him whether there was any possible mode
-of extrication. He had his bayonet with him, having, when seized, just
-come off guard. This 'Koodah-ki-fuzzul sey,' as he said, put it into his
-head to attempt to get free. The skin and flesh of his left side was in
-the tiger's mouth, and his right hand and arm were free. With his hand
-he felt for the heart of the tiger, then slowly drawing his bayonet out,
-he placed the point of it between the animal's ribs, just opposite the
-beat. Having thus prepared matters, he drove in the point with his whole
-strength, and with such effect that the tiger, making a spring and a cry
-at the same time, let his prey fall, and after limping a step or two
-fell down, himself bleeding copiously. He, however, rallied so far as to
-be able to crawl on farther, but, added the little hero (a Sepoy, five
-feet one inch in height), 'I am certain he cannot go far.'
-
-On hearing this, the pursuit was immediately resumed; the doctor,
-greatly to his annoyance, was ordered to remain by the side of the
-sepoy, who, as soon as a dhooly could be got, was carried in a sort of
-cradle back to the camp. His story was so wonderful, and his escape so
-extraordinary, that had not the doctor's orders been peremptory, the
-poor little fellow would have had no sleep all the night; such numbers
-were anxious to see him, and to hear him repeat the narrative of his
-defeat of the 'burrah bhague.' Indeed, it is said that for a week after
-he was out of hospital he was still called on occasionally to tell the
-story.
-
-The party who went after the wounded beast, by the aid of dogs,
-lanterns, flambeaus, and the stain of blood, soon tracked the foe (it
-was a female tigress) to a cave near at hand, where they found her
-dying, and three splendid little cubs about two months old, which they
-lost no time in taking possession of. They were very desirous of making
-acquaintance with the proprietor of the cave, but this gentleman, it
-would seem, was absent from home. His anxious friends spent an hour in
-searching for him, but without success. This probably was fortunate for
-them, as it was a very imprudent thing to search for such a customer by
-torchlight. The officer commanding, indeed, positively forbade any
-repetition of that kind of search, for which he properly thought the
-daylight was essential. One of the party, before they left the cave,
-gave the tigress a bullet, which put an end to her lingering struggles.
-
-So far is simply Lieutenant B.'s story just as it was told to me; but
-the sequel I can positively affirm to be true, from my own knowledge.
-When I landed at Madras in 18--, the little hero of the tiger incident
-was on guard at the entrance of the Adjutant-General's Office in the
-fort, and was really the best show of the place. The little Sepoy who
-had come off victorious after being in the jaws of the tiger was the
-lion of the fort, and it was customary for every new-comer, to whom he
-was presented, to give him a rupee. Thus the little man reaped,
-independent of his pension, a revenue which, to him, was very
-considerable, and the Government was exempted, or conceived itself to be
-exempted, from making any special provision for him. What finally became
-of this wonderful small man I do not know. I suppose, in the language of
-a great conqueror of another race, _ivit ad plures_. 'The paths of glory
-lead but to the grave,' so sings the poet and the moralist; and probably
-poor little Ram Sing was no exception to the rule.
-
-But we are digressing, and it is necessary to resume Lieutenant B.'s
-account of the _march_. The very word 'march,' while sitting by a
-comfortable fire in a nicely-carpeted room, is fearful. The getting up
-at one or two a.m.; those dreadful taps (striking the tent pegs), and
-the tents falling about one's ears--the whole is appalling--_horresco
-referens_--and yet, instead of the gout and other infirmities of age,
-how gladly would I face it over again, with the untold privations,
-fatigue, and sun superadded, could I but feel again the elasticity, the
-glow of health, youthful energy, courage, and confidence in my own
-strength and endurance, which I once possessed; but _nunquam retrorsum_
-is the banner of existence, and all must submit to it. I return,
-therefore, to Lieutenant B.'s account of the march of his regiment to
-the cantonment of Secunderabad. The only incident deserving of any
-notice during progress through this part of the Deccan was, on more than
-one occasion, a difficulty about supplies. Who was to blame no one could
-clearly make out, opposing statements being freely made use of; it was
-an old disputed responsibility, but there could be no dispute that the
-Sepoys suffered. They were reduced to short commons several times. On
-one occasion there were absolutely _no_ supplies to be had when the men
-arrived on the encamping-ground. The poor fellows had already marched
-fourteen miles, and had done it well, reaching the ground before seven
-a.m. They had started at half-past two a.m., and were just
-congratulating themselves at having got over the march before the sun
-was very powerful. Their congratulation was, however, short-lived, as
-they soon learned from the quartermaster that they must go on to the
-next village, _i.e._, another fourteen miles, to obtain food. The sun
-was then quite hot enough in all conscience, and to proceed another
-fourteen miles under progressively increasing heat was appalling; but
-there was no help for it, the peril must be faced.
-
-The officers at that time wore those horrid little forage-caps covered
-on line of march with black oilskin. To ride fourteen miles with such a
-covering to the head, under a burning sun, was infinitely worse than
-being exposed to the hottest fire. My informant, the doctor, assured me
-that if he had not devised a special defence he must have fallen from
-his horse from sunstroke. His plan was this: he arranged with the
-regimental puckally (that is, the man who attends with a bullock
-carrying two mushues, or bullock-hides, filled with water) to be always
-close at hand during the march. Nothing but this could have saved him.
-He utilized the mushues in this way: before starting on the second march
-he had taken out two towels, which the puckally kept constantly soaked
-with water. One, well-soaked, was placed under the forage-cap, and as
-soon as it got heated it was replaced by the other. All the officers
-resorted to the use of wet cloths, but no one carried out the plan so
-systematically as the doctor did, and he escaped as well as any of them,
-though he had previously suffered from sunstroke.
-
-At last the second march was accomplished, but the men were so tired and
-exhausted that they had taken five hours and a half to do it, though
-they had performed the first fourteen miles in little more than four
-hours. Both men and officers were so dead-beat that, on reaching the
-ground, everyone wanted to throw himself down where he stood; but
-necessary duties had to be attended to. Luckily some Bamans, Bunganies,
-as they were called, had halted at this stage, and readily supplied the
-men with the various grains they wanted; and large mango-tops afforded
-shelter from the sun, and gradually food and rest were obtained.
-By-and-by palanquins, tents, and carts arrived, and the officers got
-better shelter and their usual food; and as there was a halt for the
-next day, all things gradually fell into working order. On the morning
-after the halt, the march was resumed, and in a week the regiment
-reached the cantonment of Secunderabad.
-
-To give a full account of the European mode of life in cantonment, even
-at the largest station, would scarcely repay any reader. The reveille,
-the parade, or sham-fight, the general's concluding remarks to the men
-and officers, the march home, the conversation on reaching the barracks,
-the disencumbrance of the war-paint, the chatty bath, breakfast, and the
-edifying chat respecting dogs, horses, guns, or billiards; he must
-indeed be fond of pipe-clay who can be entertained by such things. And
-when the coffee and tea and toast, the eggs, the grilled moorgey (a
-sudden death, and accordingly as tough as need be), with the curry,
-chutnee, etc., have been discussed--as well as Ensign A.'s wonderful
-leap, or Captain B.'s splendid shot, or Major C.'s grand display at the
-billiard match, have all been served up, and duly commented on; or
-arrangements made for a shikar-party--nothing is left but to adjourn to
-the billiard-room. All this is the very embodiment of Shakespeare's
-twice-told tale, 'stale, flat, and unprofitable.' It is repeated at
-every station year after year, and it has besides been given in detail
-so well and so often in works of fiction relating to India, that it
-would be no less foolish than impertinent to reproduce it here. The same
-may be said of the occupations of the fairer half of the creation:
-wherever it may be, it is the same thing--the morning exercise on
-horseback, the ball, the breakfast, the toilet, the staying at home to
-receive visitors, or going out to pay visits, the remarks on the last
-party, or the one that is expected; Mrs. W.'s dress, and Miss L.'s good
-looks, Miss M.'s engagement, and a thousand other topics of equally
-overpowering importance. These, and the all-imperative duty of leaving
-cards for everyone, which, if neglected, or even postponed, is an
-offence that nothing can expiate, an offence never forgiven, and one
-that has probably, in this land of the sun, produced more quarrels, more
-heart-burning, and more bad feeling than any other cause that can be
-named. Mrs. General D. goes in her carriage to pay Mrs. Ensign Smith a
-visit, and never omits to leave her card. Mrs. Captain G. goes in her
-palanquin-coach to pay a visit to whom you please, and scrupulously
-leaves her card. Mrs. Quartermaster goes in her bullock-coach to visit
-the ladies of the regiment, and never fails to leave cards wherever she
-stops. The system is indeed so universal, and so well understood, that
-even the bullocks themselves have adopted it, as all those who know the
-habits of these animals can testify. It is indeed a positive fact that,
-whenever the owner of the coach stops at anyone's door, the polite
-creatures never fail to leave a S.P.C.--strange, no doubt, but
-nevertheless true.
-
-The monotony of cantonment life is not unfrequently varied, I regret to
-say, by scandals, and stories circulated to the detriment of this or
-that lady. They may be true, or they may be false, but as a rule there
-is generally some imprudence or want of due circumspection on the part
-of the lady pointed at; and if her fault is of the most venial nature,
-her female friends are sure to attribute the worst to her; their own
-virtue is so pure and perfect that they cannot bear the remotest
-suspicion of the reverse in any of their friends. A curious and
-instructive instance of this noble, amiable, and highly moral
-disposition occurred at the house of Mrs. O'N. Lady G. entered just as a
-lady who had paid her a visit got up to leave. Mrs. O'N. offered Lady G.
-the seat her former visitor had vacated, which was refused in this way:
-'Was not the person who left the room Mrs. S.?' 'Yes,' said the hostess.
-'Then,' returned Lady G., 'pray give me any other chair.' Her wish was
-complied with, and she paid her visit without suffering the
-contamination she dreaded. When Lady G. departed Mrs. O'N. indulged in a
-hearty laugh, which she explained to another visitor by telling her of
-Lady G.'s horror at the thought of sitting on a chair that had been
-occupied by a questionable character. 'She was herself so chaste, my
-dear,' said Mrs. O'N., 'that she couldn't bear the idea of anything of
-that kind.'
-
-Scandal runs riot in all small societies, and therefore perhaps the
-scandals in Indian cantonments are, to a certain extent, merely _en
-regle_. But at the same time it must not be forgotten that after
-breakfast, for several hours, both sexes have nothing to do. The ladies
-dress and receive visitors as often as not when their husbands are away
-on shikar parties, or are amusing themselves at the billiard-table.
-These morning visits are sanctioned by custom. But in India they are not
-altogether without danger. First, both sexes, when they mingle in
-society, have nothing to occupy or amuse them but philandering, _i.e._,
-paying compliments or listening to them; and this, though innocent
-enough, it may be, in the beginning, is by no means so when often
-repeated by the same individuals. 'What a nice little creature Mrs.
-So-and-so is; I wonder how Captain B. can occupy himself so much away
-from home; he is always away on some shikar party, or at the
-billiard-room, or at the racquet-court, or on duty, or attending
-court-martial duty. I know if she was my wife I wouldn't leave her to
-herself or to others as ---- does.' By-and-by something of this oozes
-out, and then there is a laugh, the young gentleman is roasted by his
-male friends in a gentle, or even an encouraging way. Something perhaps
-like the following will occur:
-
-'What, Jack, are you getting spoony about Mrs. B.? She is an enticing
-creature, I must confess; but take care of B.: if he finds out that
-you're too sweet with his wife, he'll have you out as sure as fate.'
-'Oh! I don't fear B.'s turning rusty; he knows very well I often make
-morning calls, and he often invites me to dinner.' 'The more fool he,
-especially as he leaves the lady at home so much.' 'I'll tell you what
-it is,' says another of these young philanderers, 'if a fellow won't
-stay at home to look after his own property, he must expect that other
-fellows will try and supply his absence. I know I should be dooced glad
-if the chance was mine.' And really you can't blame the petticoat much
-if she shows that she likes the attentions of one who gives her to
-understand, in every way he can, how he adores her and worships her,
-etc.; and though he may be only leading her into what is called a
-'fools' paradise,' she doesn't know that until it is too late and she
-has disgraced herself, thrown away her good name, and made a serious
-scandal; or she is sent home and a divorce is obtained, or the husband
-calls out the Lothario and shoots him, or gets shot himself.
-
-I have in my experience known a young gentleman pray heartily that the
-injured man would call him out, as then, being a good shot, he should
-certainly hit him, and in all probability put him out of the way, which
-would make all things smooth for him and Emma. These and unnumbered
-other results, more or less serious, arise from the want of occupation
-and the system of calling.
-
-It is a saying as old as the hills, that a very prying inquisitive old
-gentleman always finds work for idle hands, and certainly Indian
-experience does not discredit the truth of it. The kind of morality that
-obtains in these matters amongst young men in general is not very
-exalted, whatever vocation or profession they follow, and amongst army
-men it is proverbially not very strict. I might put it the other way,
-but let it pass; they have a great deal more idle time than most other
-young men, therefore, according to the postulate above given, they are
-more likely to do wrong. Well, an idle young fellow pays a young married
-lady a morning visit; she may be very attractive both in manner and in
-person; she may possess a pretty face, may possess much intelligence,
-and may be an accomplished musician, may ride and dance well; and if she
-possesses these various attractions, or some of them, is it natural that
-an inconsiderate young fellow, who may also be clever, good-looking,
-gentleman-like, and withal a finely-figured man, one who may also be a
-vocalist, and a good dancer--is it natural, I say, that these two young
-people should spend an hour together without being more or less
-prepossessed in each other' s favour? This result is inevitable; the
-gentleman soon repeats his visit, he admires the lady more than before,
-and does not fail to let her see it; she, on the other hand, begins to
-think that Lieutenant ---- is really a very pleasant and agreeable young
-man. So much being admitted, the frequent repetition of these morning
-calls, and perhaps some invitations to tiffin, or dinner, or to spend
-the evening, from the husband, who, all unsuspicious of mischief and
-danger, instead of being displeased, is rather proud that other men
-admire his wife, lead up to a footing of great intimacy. This, again,
-leads to morning rides, to engagements for partnership at dances, and
-to every kind of employment or pastime wherein the parties can be
-coupled together. This stage in the affair naturally excites the
-observation of the bystanders, the lookers-on, and they not only take
-note of the intimacy between Mrs. ---- and Mr. So-and-so, but without
-more ado set down Mrs. So-and-so not as guilty of imprudence, and the
-indulgence of a little vanity, but of an improper and disgraceful
-intimacy, which up to this time has perhaps never been thought of, at
-all events has not been yielded to. Thus the lady, being at this time
-innocent, is rendered indignant, violent, and to some extent reckless,
-at being falsely accused, and she, in consequence of this state of
-feeling, unwisely and perversely argues thus: 'Oh! if society chooses to
-accuse and condemn me for nothing, what does its opinion signify? I am
-sure I am not going to give up my friends to please society. I have done
-nothing wrong, and I am not going to do anything wrong.' And perhaps she
-means what she says, and really thinks she has done nothing wrong, and
-perhaps truly means that she does not intend to do wrong; which, being
-expressed in plain English, means that she does not intend to commit
-adultery; and she may honestly mean to keep her word. Her really doing
-so is quite a different thing. After she has overstepped all the
-barriers, or almost all, that society, etiquette, and high moral feeling
-have established to restrain the intimacy between the opposite sexes, it
-is very questionable whether a lady has it in her power to say to
-herself: 'Thus far shalt thou go and no further.' From the hour that she
-admitted any exceptional degree of intimacy, from that hour she has
-placed herself on an inclined plane, and the further she descends on it
-the greater is the difficulty for her to draw back. In the very large
-majority of such cases, the truth of the French axiom is made painfully
-manifest: _C'est le premier pas qui coute_, and in those few cases
-where shame does not succeed to such intimacies, the escape is due to
-accidental causes. These appear to me to be simply the teachings of
-experience; but it would be altogether one-sided not to add that men,
-who, from unbounded reliance on the virtue of their wives, permit any
-continued attentions (however harmless) from any other man, are in a
-great measure responsible for the consequences. Nor should they leave
-their wives too much to themselves; if they do, other men will endeavour
-to step into their places, and it is a husband's duty to protect his
-wife against such endeavours. There are, no doubt, cases which of
-necessity involve long and continued absence. Military and naval men are
-specially exposed to these risks when on active service. In these cases
-the lady's honour, principle, and sense of religion should be her
-defence. In cases in which, from duty, office-work, or business, the
-husband is absent during the day, the lady should be able, if she is
-honest and true, to defend herself.
-
-But these exceptions give no just warrant for a married man to go alone
-for weeks or months on tours of pleasure, of sport in distant lands, or
-fishing in distant seas, and, for such reasons, to leave a young wife
-without protection; nor are unhappy cases wanting to show the bitter
-fruits of such neglect.
-
-Details of any intimacies such as those referred to here will scarcely
-prove interesting to the majority of readers, and if they were, my pen
-would feel too much disgust and sorrow to become the means of
-chronicling such unhappy doings. Neither do I think that the ordinary
-humdrum details of Indian life in cantonment would repay perusal. I
-therefore say nothing of the sensation created in the cantonment of
-Secunderabad by the arrival of Mrs. ----'s new dress, made in the latest
-mode by the French milliner at Madras, nor of the new carriage that
-reached its destination but last week from Simpson's for the Colonel's
-wife, nor of the pretty Arab that Captain S. sent down from Bombay for
-his wife. All, no doubt, tremendously important and absorbing events to
-those concerned, but not quite so much so to the general reader.
-
-The only event that I will chronicle is Captain W.'s persevering and
-ultimately successful search for a man-eating tiger. All those who have
-been at Secunderabad know that there is a clump or collection of the
-ordinary gneiss rocks about a mile and a half from the cantonment, and
-on the opposite side to that on which the Hussain Sanger Tank is
-situated. These rocks have, time out of mind, been famed and feared by
-the natives as the abode of tigers; and sporting men, when stationed
-here, have, at different times, made raids, or shikar parties, with the
-view of destroying or driving away these deadly tenants of the
-rock-built towers and caves that Nature had made ready for them. The
-effects of these efforts, however successful for the time, have never
-been very long continued. Occasionally a royal beast has been killed by
-some lucky or well aimed bullet, and sometimes some of the beaters have
-been carried off in spite of numbers, guns, and determined foemen, and
-sometimes the beast and his family relinquished for a time their chosen
-lair; but ordinarily, unless some sporting men were at hand, a sort of
-compact or sufferance on the part of the natives existed, much after
-this fashion. At one time a native riot, or cultivator, lost a bullock,
-or a sheep, or a donkey; another time some other person lost one of such
-animals, or tatoos, and on a third occasion some other individual was
-the sufferer, and so on. As the injury was, as it were, distributed with
-something like equality, and as they did not, generally speaking, suffer
-in their own persons, they began to look on the infliction as a sort of
-necessary evil; it was their fate, their 'hickmut,' 'ickbal,' etc., and
-they bore it patiently, and with resignation. Indeed, so long as they
-were not themselves devoured, they rarely made any exertion to rid
-themselves of their enemy.
-
-This passive state of affairs, however, only lasted so long as the
-striped gentleman kept his paws off human victims. If by dint of hunger
-or failure of other prey, he chanced to get the taste of human flesh,
-the fastidious beast would never, if he could get it, feed on any other.
-At first the villagers round about were struck with terror and grief.
-After the first man had been taken, not many days passed before another
-was carried off, and so on till fourteen had been seized and made away
-with. The poor people were in great dismay; they had made two attempts,
-by setting baits, and watching at night, to slay the marauder, but
-without avail. The baits were taken, but the wounds inflicted by the men
-were not, so it appeared, much thought of by the tiger, for he bounded
-off with his prey in spite of them. The villagers were in despair; they
-did not dare to go into the fields, or scarcely to appear outside their
-doors. All sorts of sacrifices were made to Muniah, and donations to the
-Fakeers and Brahmins, but nothing availed.
-
-At last reports of the distress of the villagers reached the ears of the
-men of the M.N.I., and these mentioned them to their officers. The very
-next day a strong party of sportsmen and beaters set out for the rocks
-before mentioned. Besides Captain W., there were four crack ball-shots
-amongst the sportsmen, so that it was thought the fate of Mr. Burrah
-Bhague was tolerably certain, but in spite of the most careful and
-indefatigable search no tiger could be found.
-
-A couple of hours had been spent in the search, and it was burning hot,
-so it was agreed that the whole party should adjourn for a couple of
-hours to the mess-tent, which had been pitched in the Maidan a few
-hundred yards off, to rest and refresh themselves. The effects of cold
-water, soda-water, dashed, I must admit, with some firewater, along with
-sundry cheroots, together with the shade and shelter from the terrific
-sun, soon restored the eyes and steadied the hands of the hunters, and
-as the man-eating gentleman seemed to have left his accustomed haunts,
-it was agreed to proceed some three miles farther, where there was
-another aggregation of rocks. The ghorrey wallehs were then called for,
-and soon led the various tatoos to their several masters, who, on
-reaching the second pile of rocks, at once dismounted, and after looking
-at their caps, proceeded to make the necessary arrangements for
-inspecting the new pile of rocks with care and caution.
-
-Without troubling the reader with these details, it will be enough to
-say that every precaution which skill and experience could dictate was
-employed, but still without finding any beast. More than three hours had
-been spent in this second search; everyone was now greatly fatigued, and
-beaten by the sun, therefore at last they agreed to relinquish the
-search for that day, vexed and disappointed though they were. In
-remounting their ponies, a sullen silence weighed on the spirits and the
-tongue of everyone. How different to the volatile chatter and chaff that
-everyone indulged in at starting! The cheerful jest and saucy jibe of
-the morning, the uproarious and hearty laugh, were all hushed, and but a
-few gruff words were heard now and then. The only business of the entire
-party seemed to be to smoke and to meditate.
-
-As they again approached the rocks first examined, Captain W. proposed
-that they should try again by making another examination, but he got no
-one to second his proposition; they were all so sunned and so tired,
-that all declined to do anything more that day. 'So be it,' said W.
-'You're lazy fellows; go home, and I'll go by myself, and have another
-look for our shy friend. I'm certain he's there, though where I can't
-imagine. There's one peak that I didn't climb up, because I couldn't
-conceive that it led to anything; but it may, and I shall certainly
-examine it before I go home.' 'Oh, don't, Godfrey!' exclaimed his
-friends; 'for God's sake, don't! We're all so done up that we're fit for
-nothing.' 'My eyes are so dazed by the glare,' said B., 'that I couldn't
-see the beast, I verily believe, if he was standing a few yards before
-me.' 'Well, Master Frank, if you are in the happy condition you
-describe, whose fault is it? If you will empty your own flask, and then
-borrow mine, which I perceive is now empty also, how can you expect to
-see?' This smart rally from W. raised the laugh against B., who, though
-a most ready-witted fellow, had drunk so much that he couldn't say
-anything in reply. 'Don't go, Godfrey,' said poor Bob M., 'don't go.
-We're all so tired, that we really should be of little use.' 'Oh,'
-returned W., 'you're quite right; much better stay away. How do I know
-with that inflamed visage of yours that you would not take me for the
-tiger? No, no, Bobby; you've been too deeply associated with B., and
-have paid too much attention to his flask and your own to permit me to
-trust you.' Bob replied: 'Nonsense! I can see very well. Don't go. Upon
-my life, in such a place as that, to go alone is simply to throw your
-life away. I say again, for God's sake, don't go! We're none of us in a
-fit state to give proper help, and we can't let you go by yourself.
-Besides, it's unkind and unfriendly of you to undertake the thing
-single-handed, and thus to leave us out of it. Don't think of it,
-Godfrey, for to-day; we'll all be at your command to-morrow, or any
-other day you please.'
-
-The other sportsmen, S. and C., said the same. C., who was a very
-experienced and successful tiger-shot, again pointed out the great and
-needless risk W. would run if, under such extraordinary disadvantages,
-he would alone go amongst the rocks, wherefrom, on any side, above or
-below, the beast might spring on him before a glimpse had been seen of
-it. All was to no purpose. W. was convinced that the animal was
-concealed somewhere in the rocks before them, and that in the morning he
-had omitted to search that particular peak he had spoken of, so nothing
-would content him till he had made a fresh search. Almost with the
-objurgations of his friends he went solus up the rocks again. His
-friends, though at that time not game, or rather too done up, to follow
-him, could not bear to leave him in a situation of such difficulty and
-danger. They halted under the shade of a few tamarind-trees near at
-hand, waiting in great anxiety for W.'s return, or for some signal from
-him. Some sat on their ponies, others dismounted, and made their boys
-spread mats for them with camblies, or anything that might serve for an
-extempore pillow. But, however they disposed of themselves, their
-tongues were not idle, and all were agreed that W.'s going up the rocks
-by himself was egregious folly, and that he was as determined and
-obstinate as he was foolhardy in doing it. W. was such a favourite that
-the great risk he was needlessly running made some very angry; some were
-in great fear and excitement, and some had called for water, and were
-bathing their heads, washing their eyes, etc., in order to go after him,
-being unable to endure any longer the painful suspense they were
-suffering.
-
-M., C. and S. were just beginning to move towards the rocks when their
-footsteps were arrested by the sharp crack of a rifle, instantly
-followed by the roar of a tiger. 'My God! it's all over with poor
-Godfrey!' exclaimed M. 'I feared it would be so,' said S. 'Let's get
-forward,' said C.; 'we may not be too late to help. It was up this rock
-he went.' All were scrambling up, keeping their guns ready for instant
-use, when bang went another rifle-shot. 'That sounds healthy,' said M.
-'Oh, it's grand!' said C.; 'you may depend on it he has found and
-killed.' 'On my honour,' said S., 'it's almost too good, too glorious,
-to be true.' Then arose shouts for Godfrey, and 'Where are you; how can
-we get at you?'
-
-By this time some of the natives had found out where W. was, and then
-confused cries of 'Saib Ateha hi, hither owe! is turrup sey, hither owe!
-hither owe! Bhague murgia, koodah ki fuzzul sey, Saib my mana,' and many
-other cries and utterances and exclamations crowded on the ears of those
-who had lately been in such painful anxiety that they could bear it no
-longer. By-and-by W. was seen descending by a path so difficult and
-dangerous that it was hard to say whether the tiger or the pathway were
-the more so. At last he achieved his descent without broken bones, and
-could converse with his friends, who at once overwhelmed him with
-questions and inquiries. He was not hurt? No; he had not got a scratch!
-'How was it? How did you find the beast?' 'It was just as I suspected.
-That rock which we neglected to examine this morning led to the beast's
-fortress. When I had climbed to the top of it, I found that there was a
-vast chasm between the rock on which I stood and all the surrounding
-rocks. I also observed that there was a ledge jutting out some two and a
-half feet from the body of the rock about twelve feet below me. This
-ledge ran along the face of the rock for some thirty yards, and then
-gradually descended on the left side from where I stood. From the sight
-of some half-gnawed bones that lay on the ledge nearly in a
-perpendicular line below me, I suspected that my friend's dwelling could
-not be far off, but how to let myself down puzzled me for a time. The
-precipice went down from the ledge probably near a hundred feet. I did
-not, therefore, like to risk a jump, lest I should lose my balance after
-landing on the ledge. I could let down my gun by means of my shot-belt
-and some twine I had about me, but I did not see how to let myself down
-so that I could be sure of keeping my balance. I walked from one end of
-the top of the ridge to the other, and thus found that at one part of it
-I could get down nearer to the ledge by two feet, and that by hanging
-from that part of the ridge I should only have two feet to drop. Having
-made these observations, I gently let down my gun, so that it rested on
-the ledge upright against the ridge. I then got down as far as possible,
-and afterwards dropped on to the ledge as gently as I could. On reaching
-the ledge I instantly seized and disembarrassed my gun. Two paces to the
-right brought me in front of a large and deep cave, formed in the body
-of the main rock, at the bottom of which I saw two balls of fire. I
-aimed just between them and fired. My shot was a very lucky one, as it
-hit the beast so hard that on attempting to spring he fell down almost
-at my feet. Could he have sprung, I must have been dashed to pieces by
-being knocked down the precipice. Finding that the animal was not quite
-dead, I gave him the other barrel, which was the second shot you heard.'
-
-As soon as he had finished his explanation, he was so overwhelmed with
-laudation and congratulation of all kinds that he said: 'Come, let us
-think of getting home, and to do that we must get hold of the carcase of
-the cat, and we must take his measure before we take off his coat.'
-'What a queer customer he is!' said B., who had from excitement and the
-persevering use of chatties of cold water in some degree recovered
-himself. 'Most fellows have their coats off before they begin to fight;
-this chap waits till the fight is over.' 'What! you've found your
-tongue, have you, Frank?' said W. 'I thought you were too far gone to
-have eyes or ears for anything.' 'Not a bit of it,' returned B.; 'I must
-have been dead drunk, indeed, if I had not heard the row that poor
-beggar up yonder kicked up when your messenger made him give tongue.
-But, by Jove! here he comes! What fellows these natives are! They have
-not taken ten minutes to sling the beast on bamboos, to get him out of
-his dark mansion, and to bring him down here.' This explained the
-tom-toms and songs and music, as well as the crowd of Sepoys and beaters
-and villagers that was now advancing from the rocks, bearing in triumph,
-and in a sort of procession, the enemy that had lately been so dreaded
-far and near. The tiger, an immense creature, was borne along slung by
-all fours to a bamboo carried at least by twenty men, for every villager
-tried hard, if only for a yard or two, to have a hand in carrying his
-enemy, not only to ensure future good luck, but to triumph over him.
-With all the sounds of rejoicing described the crowd brought the tiger,
-and laid him at W.'s feet. 'Ram Sing' (the naigue of his company), said
-W., 'how did you manage to get the beast here so quickly?' 'Oh, sir, we
-were all ready; we had bamboos, and ropes, and ladders all prepared, and
-plenty of willing hands anxious to do anything I told them.' 'Oh, that
-was it, was it?' said W. 'Well, my men have been wonderfully speedy.
-I'll reward them by-and-by; but now we must take the dimensions of our
-quondam friend.' 'But, sir, the villagers want leave to speak, if you
-will allow them.' 'Well, let them say their say, if they will promise
-not to make it long.'
-
-Accordingly, the head men of the several villages which had lost
-inhabitants from the man-eater came forward, accompanied by the
-surviving relatives of those who had been carried off. These poor
-people, many of them with tears in their eyes, came and threw themselves
-at W.'s feet anxious to touch his garments or kiss his shoes. In their
-untaught and simple way they made poojah to him, _i.e._, they literally
-worshipped him as a superior being, and implored their deities to shower
-blessings on the brave Ingrasy Sahib who had rescued them and theirs
-from the fangs of the devourer. 'Well, that's enough,' said W.; 'you had
-better get up, now.' 'But,' replied the head men, 'we have not yet done
-what we came to do--we have a bag of 500 Rs. that we beg the Captain
-Sahib will take from us; it is contributed jointly by all the villages
-that have suffered.' W. knew well the general poverty of the villages,
-and being wholly unprepared for any such unusual demonstration from the
-natives, was for a moment thrown off his equanimity. He walked away a
-few yards, and it was observed that his eyes were moist, but he soon
-recovered his ordinary quiet and unmoved demeanour. Then, turning to the
-people kneeling and prostrate about him, he said, speaking Hindustani
-fluently: 'My good friends, for what I have done I am amply repaid in
-the consciousness of having delivered you from your enemy; besides, the
-search for large game is to a British officer and a sportsman a very
-great pleasure, and he would feel himself dishonoured if he accepted
-money or presents for anything he might do as a sportsman. Do not, my
-friends, suppose that it is from pride that I do not accept your bag of
-rupees; I feel grateful to you for the kindness shown in the offer, and
-to show my sense of it will accept from each of the villages that have
-suffered a pair of doves or quails. But as to money, that is out of the
-question. On the other hand, I am debtor to you all for the assistance
-and information you rendered me in the beginning in tracking and
-beating, and now in bringing down, the dead beast. I have ordered my
-head boy to pay to each of the villages 15 Rs. All I want you now to do
-is to lay the carcase straight, that we may measure the exact length
-from the nose to the tip of the tail' (which was found to be nine feet
-and nine inches--a grand specimen). And when this had been done, he
-said: 'Now all I have to ask is that you will help Ram Sing to take off
-the skin. Ram Sing knows all about that.'
-
-When W. had finished speaking, the natives one and all again broke out
-into pæans of praise in behalf of their deliverer, so extravagant,
-indeed, judged by our notions, that W. was scandalized, or, if not, he
-feared ridicule; so he gave orders to his head boy to take them away,
-and to his friends he said, 'Come, let's get home; I am not a little
-hungry, and trust they've kept something at the mess for us, which I
-shall attack, as soon as I've had a bath, with as much ferocity as ever
-our dead friend his choice food.' 'We all say ditto to that, and God
-help the mess butler if he doesn't show to-day in good form, for he'll
-find us on this occasion all tigers.'
-
-W., in his extreme modesty, had sought to avoid the triumphal parade of
-bringing the tiger into the cantonment, and had therefore given the
-orders already mentioned. But his intended curtailment of the public
-triumph did not at all suit Ram Sing, or any of the natives, Sepoys,
-beaters, or villagers, in any way connected with the deed. They could
-not comprehend the doing a noble and daring action with the wish to say
-and make as little as possible of it. They therefore determined, whether
-W. liked it or not, that he should have a public ovation; and,
-accordingly, they entered the cantonment in grand procession, with
-lights and torches and drums, tom-toms, horns, trumpets, and all sorts
-of heterogeneous instruments, making a most infernal row and outrageous
-discords, in the centre of an immense concourse of people, bearing along
-the tiger, singing songs, setting forth Burrah Bhague's evil deeds,
-describing his conqueror as nothing less than Rustum, giving the
-attributes of a demigod to him, and describing his skill and courage as
-invincible and irresistible; these hymns of praise they assisted with
-all the noises they could bring together, not forgetting squibs,
-crackers, rockets, and all the fireworks they could procure. In this way
-they paraded through the whole cantonment, partly back again, till they
-reached the compound of the mess-house of the regiment. There, to W.'s
-intense disgust, they would have recommenced their tom-toms and their
-music, with fireworks and songs, but W. ordered them at once out of the
-cantonment. 'Confound the rascals!' said W. 'I shouldn't wonder if they
-set fire to the lines with their d----d folly.' W.'s indignation amused
-his friends amazingly. They exclaimed against his severity in this way:
-'You, the hero of the day, the Roastum, ought to sympathize with the
-poor devils, and not be so irate with them for doing you honour in their
-own way.' 'The deuce take them! I wish they'd keep their honour and
-their d----d noise to themselves! If I had allowed them to remain in the
-cantonment, I shouldn't have had a wink of sleep all night long, besides
-the shame of having my name connected with their absurd proceedings. I
-declare I am sorry I told Saul Jaker to give them any money; perhaps
-he'll give them more than he ought to-night, and then the great majority
-of them will drink too much rack.' 'Well,' said B., 'if they do once in
-a way, it's a poor heart that never rejoices.' 'Quite true,' said W.;
-'but sometimes the hearts that are not poor rejoice so much that they
-are not able to help their friends, however great the need of help may
-be.' 'Oh, Godfrey, that's a shame, to cast a fellow's misdeeds up to him
-in that way!' 'Why, then, do you take the part of such a noisy set of
-rascals as those yonder? Thank God, I can scarcely hear them now, so
-I'll go to bed, and wish you all good-night.'
-
-Many years after, W. arrived at the French Rock, and was staying there
-for a day or two as a guest of the mess, being _en route_ to Bangalore.
-There was at the same time a young lad, whom I shall call Gascoigne, who
-had but lately arrived from England. He had brought a letter of
-introduction to W. from some of his friends at home. The young
-gentleman, a studious and quiet lad, was, in consequence, putting up
-with W., who, as hospitable and kindly disposed as any man in the world,
-welcomed the youth cordially, and was, by shikar parties, and every
-other means in his power, trying to entertain him. On W.'s account,
-everyone in the regiment did the same. Young G. had besides, as a pretty
-horseman, and an excellently good shot for so young a man, won the
-hearts of most of the young men of the regiment. He came from one of the
-Midland counties famous for hunting and sporting, and was therefore
-quite at home.
-
-After dinner one unfortunate evening, when all the men of the regiment
-and the two guests mentioned were sitting outside in front of the
-mess-house, with their teapoys, their cheroots, and their eternal
-brandy-pawny, the conversation turned on the different styles of
-horsemanship. The young stranger spoke rather in ridicule of the cavalry
-seat and the long stirrups it enjoins, and he wondered how anyone could
-possibly ride across country with them. His remarks produced some sharp
-replies from B., the cavalry man present. 'Well, G.,' said W. to his
-friend, 'although you and I prefer the short stirrup and the usual
-cross-country seat, others ride well and strongly with the long stirrup.
-Our friend B. here rides with a long stirrup, and few men ride better
-than he does.'
-
-By such kind and judicious observations W. threw oil on the troubled
-waters, and for the time stopped any further unpleasant remarks; but he
-could not, on the part at least of B., do away with the irritation that
-had been caused by young G.'s observations, and the remembrance of them
-rankled in this officer's mind. However, W. turned the attention of the
-party to other matters, and all seemed smooth. After a time he said,
-'Come, let's have an all-round rupee shot at that weathercock on the top
-of the school-room; the first man that hits it carries the pool, and
-we'll draw lots for the order of firing.' 'Agreed, agreed!' said all
-present. 'I'll hold the stakes,' said Colonel D., 'as I don't intend to
-compete.'
-
-Accordingly the firing commenced, and great was the laughing and the
-chatter as the whole party one after the other missed the weathercock.
-'I should have hit the confounded thing,' said B., 'but just as I fired
-the wind swirled it round, so that I lost my chance.' 'Well, never mind,
-you haven't lost your stake, and you can try again,' said the Colonel.
-
-Accordingly a second stake was placed in the Colonel's hands, and the
-competitors fired all round a second time. Young G. claimed a hit, but
-almost at the instant he fired B. followed, and he said, 'Come, make me
-a bow, youngster, for wiping your eye.' 'I would with the greatest
-pleasure,' replied G., 'if you had done it; but my shot was a hit before
-you fired.' 'I deny it,' said B., 'and I claim the pool.' 'This cannot
-be determined by individual opinions,' said W. 'What does the Colonel
-say?' 'I really cannot say whose shot the hit was, as at the moment I
-had taken a pinch of snuff and was using my handkerchief.' 'This is
-unfortunate,' said W.; 'we must take the votes of all present.'
-
-B. made some grumbling remark that was not audible, but he said nothing
-in direct opposition to W.'s proposition. The votes were then taken, and
-it appeared that the party were not agreed as to whose the winning shot
-was. Some were not watching, and of those who were, three were on B.'s
-side, and four on G.'s. There was a great deal of talking, and as the
-talking increased the excitement increased. W., who seemed to have a
-presentiment of the evil that was coming, exerted himself to the utmost
-to prevent mischief, by making proposition after proposition in order to
-put an end to the dispute, but without avail. He believed that his young
-friend had made the hit, and gave his vote accordingly, which, strictly
-speaking, should have decided the question, as it gave G. a majority;
-but this W. declined to insist upon. He wished that the two claimants
-should divide the pool, but this neither would consent to. Thus all his
-efforts to put out the fire were unavailing, and accordingly, as one
-word drew on another, it burst out in this way:
-
-'Do you assert,' said Captain B. to G., 'that the shot which struck the
-weathercock was yours?' 'Yes, I do,' said the youngster, 'because I
-believe it was mine.' 'Then,' replied B., 'you lie!' Before G. could
-speak, W. said to B., 'If you say that the shot was _yours_, it is you
-that lie!' Instantly B. got up and rushed at W., who remained calmly
-seated. He warded off the blow aimed at his head by B., and said, 'That
-will do, B.; I understand you, and I will not disappoint you.' At
-gun-fire the next morning these two men stood opposite to each other at
-twelve paces. At the first exchange of shots W.'s cap was shot through,
-and the buckle of B.'s waist-belt was cut away, but neither party
-sustained any personal injury. The second shots were both misses,
-neither party being touched. The third exchange of fire were both hits,
-but still only coats and buttons suffered. Both men were desirous to
-have another exchange of fire, but their seconds refused to allow the
-matter to proceed; they added, that unless their principals chose to go
-into the jungle by themselves, they would not permit another shot to be
-fired.
-
-The two men still remained on the ground dissatisfied, nor did they
-move until Colonel D. made his appearance. He had been made cognizant of
-what had been done, and all he said as he rode on to the ground was
-this: 'Gentlemen, any attempt to carry this further places both of you
-in arrest. Both of you know me; good-morning. Adjutant, you will see my
-orders strictly carried out, and tell Captain B. that he has my orders
-to proceed on his road within an hour.'
-
-Young G., who was a plucky young fellow, though, as W. knew, wholly
-unacquainted with the use of the pistol, had been almost in a state of
-frenzy throughout the business. He swore he would follow B. and have him
-out wherever he could find him, till W. got him to calm down, and
-Colonel D. explained to him that he must place him in arrest and report
-him to the General commanding the division, if he did not give him his
-word of honour not to stir further in the matter. At first the young lad
-refused to pledge himself as required, but his refusal was as respectful
-as it was manly. His words were: 'How can I do that, sir? I have been
-called a liar publicly; surely no one who has the honour to bear her
-Majesty's commission can put up with that! and besides, the life of a
-valued and respected friend has, from his chivalrous generosity, been
-placed in danger to shield me, which, though I am deeply grateful for
-it, makes me blush, and places me in rather a humiliating position. It's
-no use for you, Godfrey, to shake your head and deny it. I know
-perfectly well why you anticipated me.'
-
-He had in the few days he had been with W. learned to regard him as an
-elder brother, and, by his own request, to address him as the others
-did. W. and the Colonel looked at one another as young Gascoigne spoke,
-and when he had finished the Colonel said: 'The words you have spoken
-and the sentiments they convey do you credit, Mr. G., but you mistake
-if you suppose that either I or your friend Godfrey wish you to put up
-tamely with the gross insult that has been offered to you. I will obtain
-for you from Captain B. a proper apology, and at the same time I will
-take care that it is publicly known that I only obtained your promise to
-proceed no further in this matter on this assurance.' 'Well, sir, as you
-take so kind an interest in my good name, and will undertake to let it
-be known that there was the strongest wish on my part to right myself in
-the way that is usual amongst gentlemen, I will give you my word to do
-nothing more, especially as I see that Godfrey wishes me to do so.'
-'That's a sensible lad,' said the Colonel: and Godfrey added, 'Yes, I do
-wish it; and you may rest assured that I should not do so were I not
-sure that your good name is perfectly safe in Colonel D.'s hands, who
-has acted on this occasion as he always acts.' 'Godfrey! Godfrey!' said
-Colonel D., 'I shall have to arrest your body, to arrest your tongue!'
-'Well, that is hard,' returned W., laughing. 'This is the second time in
-one morning that I have been threatened with arrest by you.' 'All your
-own fault,' returned the Colonel, smiling. 'I must do my duty and obey
-the orders of the service, though other people choose to set a bad
-example and do otherwise.' 'There,' said W., 'you see, G., what military
-service is: you are liable to get it on both sides of the face before
-you can turn round.' 'Well,' said G., 'if this is getting it on both
-sides of the face, I trust that my commandant will be like Colonel D.;
-but that's too much good luck to expect.' Colonel D. again laughed, and
-said, 'You've got too much talk, young man,' though he was evidently
-pleased with the compliment. 'You've been in Ireland, I fancy.' 'No, I
-haven't, Colonel,' replied young G.; 'but I should like very much to go
-there, for a time at least.' 'I don't think,' said Colonel D., turning
-to W., 'that your young friend has any great need to go there to learn
-one of the accomplishments said to be in fashion there.'
-
-So the three adjourned in high good humour with all the world to the
-parade ground, where a coursing match was to come off between two famous
-dogs. I will spare the reader a description of the beautiful form of
-these two canine heroes; it is enough to say that they were marvellously
-fine greyhounds, and that they killed in the most approved fashion, in
-spite of all the efforts and doubles of the poor hares. I must further
-confess that I was much more interested for these harmless creatures
-than I was for the dogs, though I dare say their performance was
-matchless in its way; so, at least, it was on all hands pronounced to
-be. I sank many degrees in the estimation of my regimental friends, I
-believe, for expressing unreservedly this opinion. The young lads could
-not understand how any man, even a doctor, could feel no interest in the
-performance of two such magnificent dogs as Juno and Jupiter. I admitted
-the merits and beauties of their canine friends--indeed, no one could
-admire them more than I did. Still, I could not enter into their
-feelings, nor share in their delight at seeing the hares writhing in
-agony in the fangs of Jupiter or Juno.
-
-'You don't like fishing, you say, and we see you don't like coursing.
-What do you like?' 'To hunt the fox, or the jackal, or the wolf, I
-should think glorious sport.' 'Then,' said M., 'why don't you go out
-with us in the morning? Whenever we can get a chance we go after
-jackals. Foxes are rare, and wolves never let us get within rifle
-distance.' 'Besides,' said S., 'we can't afford to knock our horses off
-their legs, which we should do if we tried to run down those brutes so
-as to get within shot.' 'You know,' returned I, 'that in the morning I
-am not my own master. I have my hospital to attend, my patients to
-visit and prescribe for, to enter all cases in the journal and
-casebook, as well as to see that all other hospital books are kept up to
-date. Perhaps my superintending surgeon might not be altogether pleased
-if he heard (and these things do travel in an extraordinary way) that I
-postponed my visit to the hospital till after I had had my run with the
-dogs; and perhaps the Colonel might not altogether approve of my setting
-at naught the standing orders of the service, and before his face too.'
-'You are quite right,' said W., 'you may rest assured that the Colonel
-would not approve of any such thing; indeed, he could not.' 'What's
-that, W., that the Colonel wouldn't and couldn't do?' said Colonel D.,
-who, as he came up, had overheard the last part of W.'s remarks. These
-were explained to him, and what led to them. His comment was, 'Boys will
-be boys. The Doctor has acted perfectly right; he could not ride with us
-in the morning, as the standing orders lay it down precisely that he
-shall visit his hospital at certain hours, and these would, if we found
-anything, be just the hours when we should be at the best of the chase;
-and if he wished ever so much to join us I should not allow him to do
-so, and W. is quite correct in what he said.' This settled the question,
-and took away any distant hope I might indulge that the Colonel might
-now and then take no notice of any infraction of the standing orders as
-to the time of visiting the hospital. I departed, sorrowing that fate
-had destined me to be medical instead of military purely.
-
-The subject of sport was, with my young friends especially, a
-never-ending one, constantly renewed, and still beginning. On my return
-from Bangalore, to which place I was called under circumstances so
-peculiar that I think the recital will repay perusal, although they
-necessitate a digression, and have nothing to do with sport, which is at
-present my legitimate theme, the possibility of my joining in the
-sporting was again introduced.
-
-On account of the marriage of her brother's wife's sister, Miss S., my
-wife had gone to Bangalore and was to return to the F. Rocks in a few
-days. I was, in fact, anxiously looking for a letter to say on what day
-I might expect her. Instead of this, I received from her brother a
-communication stating that it was his and the Garrison-surgeon's opinion
-that if I wanted to see her again alive, I must start with the least
-possible delay for Bangalore. With tears in my eyes, and this letter in
-my hand, I went at once to Colonel D., who in the kindest way took on
-himself the responsibility of giving me permission to go. At the time,
-very luckily, there were no sick of any importance--some slight cases of
-fever, and some chronic cases there were in hospital which the dresser
-could treat. No officers sick, no children--I mean European
-children--sick or well, in the cantonment, and no lady, except Mrs. G.,
-who had but lately been married, and was in perfect health. But the F.
-Rocks was a single station, and if any accident occurred, or sudden
-sickness broke out, no medical officer was to be had nearer than
-Bangalore. For at this time there was no Durbar surgeon at Mysore,
-fifteen miles off, and the dwelling-place of the Rajah. These
-circumstances being considered, to let me leave the cantonment was
-really taking on himself a serious responsibility which the General
-himself declined to incur. Bangalore was 87 miles from the F. Rocks, and
-the question was how to get there in the shortest time. Here was seen
-the brotherly feeling cherished in this regiment. I had no sooner made
-known my difficulty than almost every man of those present offered me
-his horses. I had two of my own, which I sent on, so that the one was to
-halt twenty miles from the station, the second forty; of the borrowed
-horses, one was to go with me the first twenty miles. With this help I
-started a little before gun-fire, and reached Bangalore about 4 p.m.,
-and found that there was no need for anxiety; my wife had suffered from
-a severe hysterical attack, and was well enough to ride out that very
-evening. I was too much delighted at the condition in which I found her
-to find fault with a mistake which had in the end given me so much
-pleasure. The next morning I waited on the General, and the dialogue
-that took place was so peculiar that I shall endeavour to present it to
-my readers in its integrity, so far as my memory will allow me.
-
-'Good-morning, General. I trust you will be kind enough to excuse the
-absence of the proper costume, as I had no time to put in any change of
-dress, I came off in such a hurry, General.' 'And where have you come
-from, sir?' 'From the F. Rocks, General G.' 'From the F. Rocks? Who gave
-you leave?' 'Colonel D., my commandant, General.' 'He gave you leave,
-did he? He has no power to do so.' 'I am here, General, to explain the
-circumstances.' 'Oh, you are here to explain the circumstances,'
-observed the General. 'Well, you'll be clever if you can explain how
-Colonel D. is authorized to take upon himself my duties. Let me hear,
-sir; but are you not the Assistant-Surgeon in medical charge of the
-regiment?' (The old gentleman had by this time recalled my features.)
-'Yes, General.' 'How, then, did you presume to quit your charge without
-any provision having been made for the carrying on of the duties
-devolving on you?' 'Have the goodness to read that letter, General G.'
-'It seems rather a long one; can't you give me the contents?'
-'Certainly, General. It states, on the authority of the Garrison-Surgeon
-and Dr. L., that if I want to see my wife alive again I must lose not an
-hour in proceeding here. I showed this letter to Colonel D, and he very
-kindly allowed me to proceed hither. I rode in yesterday in twelve
-hours, but happily there was no occasion for me to have done so, as my
-wife is quite well; the attack was hysterical only, though it looked so
-serious. And now, having reported myself, and the unusual reasons for my
-being here, I beg that you will be kind enough to give me one day's
-leave to post back my horses.' 'The best thing I can do for you is not
-to know that you are here.' Then turning his chair round, he said, 'I
-don't see you; I don't know that you are here.' 'But, General, pray give
-me one day's leave, or I shall not be able to post my horses so as to
-divide the distances on the road.' 'I don't hear you, nor know that you
-are here; if I knew who you were, and that you had left your charge
-without any proper leave, it would be my duty to place you under arrest;
-but as I don't know who you are, or where you come from, or indeed
-anything about you, you see I can't do it.' 'But, General, I----' 'Don't
-say anything; I might find out who you are, and might be compelled to
-act on that knowledge. Now, I haven't seen you, and know not who you
-are, or where you come from, or anything else.' 'Once more let me
-entreat of you, General G.----' 'How many times must I repeat that I
-neither see, nor hear, nor know, that anyone is here? If I did, it could
-only be unpleasant for us both. I not only don't see or hear, but I am
-determined not to see or hear, or to know anything about you; so whoever
-you may be, return at once to the place from whence you came, and let me
-have no communication on the subject, of which, indeed, I am wholly
-ignorant and uninformed.' 'Permit me to wish you good-morning, General?'
-'No, I can't permit anything to a stranger, and one I know nothing
-about. But as a courtesy one might offer to a stranger, I wish you
-good-morning.'
-
-I rode home meditating on the mysteries of red-tape, but without being
-able to fathom them. Why should it be more orthodox to pretend to be
-ignorant of that which was perfectly well known, than it would be to
-admit the knowledge, and to say, 'Well, I am glad to learn that there
-is now no reason for anxiety; get back as fast as possible, and I will
-take no notice of the irregularity'? The need for enacting a palpable
-farce sorely puzzled me, and I went back to my brother-in-law's house to
-report the ill-success of my application. Then it was settled that I
-should lie _perdu_ for the day, during which time I could post back the
-horses, and could start at gun-fire, or a little earlier, on my return
-to the F. Rocks. It was hard to leave my young wife, whom I idolized,
-after being with her only one day; but I had taken the shilling, and
-therefore it was a case of 'no compulsion, only you must.' So, after
-many kisses and moist eyes, I started just as the gun fired, and I rode
-into the mess compound at the F. Rocks just as the second bugle was
-sounding. There was a shout of welcome, and eager inquiries from all
-present after the state of my wife's health. Everyone heartily
-congratulated me on the letter being merely a false alarm. Then the
-dinner came, and I did great honour to it, being not a little hungry
-after my return ride, on which I received many compliments; the riding
-nearly 180 miles in two days with but one between was regarded as
-something of an equestrian achievement, and my pluck was commended
-accordingly.
-
-This led to a renewal of the invitation, on the part of the younger men,
-to join them in their cheetah and tiger expeditions, which at first,
-being no ball shot, I was not anxious to do. No one likes to exhibit his
-want of skill in any exercise or pastime, and therefore I declined. My
-young friends, either out of playful malice, or out of an unacknowledged
-unwritten belief that medical men, not being combatant officers, are not
-equal to them in courage, overwhelmed me with banter and chaff (as the
-phrase now is) of all kinds. I cannot remember a tithe of it, but it was
-in the main something of this kind: 'Don't say any more, Bob; the Doctor
-is a clever fellow; he knows as well how to take care of himself as to
-whip off a fellow's leg, don't you, Doctor?' and before I could reply to
-this jibe B. said, 'Don't forget, all of you, what an important
-personage the Doctor is. If he was chawed up, what should we do? But if
-half a dozen of us poor devils came to grief that way it wouldn't much
-signify. We are paid for being shot, or for being ready to be disposed
-of; we are, in the customary phrase, "only food for powder and shot,"
-and you see that's not the case with the Doctor.' Turning from one to
-the other as they discharged their little shafts, I was silly enough to
-get very angry, and my indignation broke out thus: 'Confound you, what
-has led you to make this dead set at me? If you fancy that I value my
-life one bit more than any one of you, you make a very great mistake,
-and you will compel me to give one of you an unpleasant proof of it if
-I'm to be subject to more of this kind of conversation.'
-
-No one said anything, but the Colonel wore a broad grin on his face, and
-W. laughed immoderately. I was now in a towering passion. I got up,
-saying, 'I haven't often been your guest at mess, gentlemen, and I can't
-say I think my welcome on this occasion such as to induce me to intrude
-on your hospitality again.' W. started up and caught hold of my arm,
-saying, 'Surely you are not so silly as to take offence at a little
-harmless chaff? not one of us would intentionally say or do anything to
-hurt or annoy you. I really thought there was more manly stability in
-you than to fly off in this way.' 'And, pray,' said I, 'what have I said
-or done to give cause for your fit of laughter?' 'It was your getting so
-angry that amused me, but as you have taken it so much amiss, I am
-really sorry for it,' at the same time, with an open frank smile,
-offering his hand. Who could resist W.? I heartily shook his hand, and
-said, 'W., you make me ashamed of having shown such want of temper, but
-these young good-for-nothing scamps here, with their jibes one after
-the other, threw me off my balance for the moment.'
-
-J., one of the three men who had been chief jokers, then said, 'But,
-Doctor, you ought to have known that if we had really suspected that
-there was anything of the white feather connected with your not joining
-us in our expeditions, we shouldn't have thought you worth poking fun
-at, and should never have cared whether you went out with us or not.'
-'Pray say no more; I am convinced that I was hasty, and in the wrong to
-get so angry!' 'Now,' said the Colonel, 'after what the Doctor has
-admitted, let's say no more on the subject.' 'One word more, if you
-please, Colonel; I wish to prove to all my friends here that they did
-not judge me wrongly. The very next time you go after cheetah or tiger,
-I will go with you' (a shout of approval). 'Well said, Doctor!' 'I will
-lend you a rifle,' said W. 'Or I, or I,' said M. and S. 'And I, if I had
-one to lend,' said B., 'but as I haven't, all I can offer is a pith-hat
-with a brim as large as an umbrella, and if that doesn't of itself
-frighten the tiger, he must be a peculiarly unapprehensive beast; and
-I'll venture a trifle that the Doctor does more execution with the hat
-than he would with the gun, although he is such a peppery gentleman.'
-'The pepper is all out of me now, B., and you may say whatever you like;
-and I would accept your redoubtable pith-hat, had I not one of my own.
-Besides that, I couldn't think of depriving you of such a powerful
-weapon, so if you mount your hat and have your rifle in your hand, you
-will be doubly armed, and will no doubt do double execution.' 'By Jove!'
-said B., 'the pepper isn't all out of you yet.' 'But you will take my
-rifle?' said W.; 'if you bring the double-sights in a line with the
-object, you can't miss him.' 'Best thanks, W., but as I am altogether
-unpractised, I shall go out without a gun or weapon of any kind, not
-even my friend B.'s pith-hat.' 'On my word, Doctor,' said the Colonel,
-'that's the wisest resolution you could come to; it will be better for
-you to become a little familiar with the rifle before you go after
-tigers or cheetahs.' 'Besides,' said B., 'who knows but the Doctor might
-take a sly pot at one of us, and wing the unlucky individual for the
-sake of a little surgical practice; he's had none since he's been with
-us.' 'Well, B., that blow might have been effective if it had not been
-somewhat below the belt; at all events, it was not so bad as your shot
-at the pariah dog that you missed this morning, and that M. rolled over
-immediately after.' There was a general laugh at B.'s expense. 'And,
-pray, how did you know that?' said B. 'I only saw it, that's all!' 'Why,
-you rode past three or four minutes before we fired; you must have had
-eyes behind to see that.' 'Oh, B., if that's the style (stile), I shall
-leave you to get over it as you can; the present attempt is rather lame,
-and I wish you a steadier hand when you come to make close acquaintance
-with the striped or spotted coats, unless you've got M. behind you to
-wipe your eye.' Another laugh at poor B. 'Come, B., whip and spur,' said
-W.; 'don't let the Doctor walk over the ground.' 'Oh,' replied B., 'no
-one can fight against a fellow who has got eyes behind.'
-
-Poor B.! that was his last speech and dying confession. Amidst the
-general laughing and chaffing going on, the Colonel said to B.:
-
-'Better take more shots with the rifle, and fewer shots out of the
-flask, Mr. B., and then you won't miss your mark as it seems you did
-this morning.' B. said nothing, but walked off somewhat crestfallen. One
-after the other left, till at last only W. and myself were left with the
-Colonel. He then said: 'I'm truly sorry for B.; he's a frank,
-open-hearted young fellow, but I fear he's going too fast by a great
-deal; he was until recently a capital shot. It was just the same with
-poor Tom Manners, whom I knew intimately in Bengal. The first indication
-we got of his breaking up was his missing his aim; he had been the crack
-shot of us all, but sangaree (we used to drink sangaree in those days)
-and brandy was too much for him; he died of delirium tremens, a raving
-lunatic, after having tried to kill himself and two other persons. Now,
-I have stayed behind the others to say that I think it would be well
-done of both of you if you would take an opportunity of talking
-seriously with this unhappy lad. You, W., have great influence, and you
-can speak as a senior and an old friend: and you, Doctor, can speak as a
-professional man, and the medical officer of the regiment; choose your
-opportunity well, and the young fellow will then see that you mean
-kindly. Good-night to you both.' W.: 'Before you go, Colonel, I think it
-right to tell you, that I have more than once spoken seriously to B.,
-but I regret to say hitherto without effect. I will, however, do so
-again.' 'And I, Colonel, will certainly do my best; but if W.'s advice
-has been of none effect, I fear mine will avail little. Once the
-pernicious habit has got hold of a man, it is such a besotting and
-besetting vice, that nothing seems able to cure it except placing the
-man under restraint for two or more years, and rigidly keeping all
-alcoholic stimulants away from him.' 'Well, try your best. Good-night
-again.' 'Good-night, Colonel.'
-
-W. volunteered to walk home with me, the bungalow being but a few
-hundred yards off. As we leisurely strolled along, W. said, 'D. is
-really the most excellent commandant I ever knew. Without being
-over-strict, he knows well how to hold his own, and to enforce
-obedience; at the same time, what could be kinder, I might say more
-parental, than what he said just now? And what could be better than his
-taking on himself to let you leave the cantonment? Not one commandant
-in a hundred would have done it!' 'So I found out,' returned I. The
-singular scene that passed between myself and the General of Division
-was then told to him. He was greatly amused. 'You must let D. have the
-story, it is really too good to be lost; it only shows what a life of
-routine makes of a man, unless he has a mind powerful enough to raise
-him above such influences. I agree entirely in the view D. takes of B.'s
-condition; indeed, I have feared it for some time; the misfortune is,
-that I don't see what can be done to save him. Would it be possible to
-send him home on sick leave?' 'The case is this,' said I, 'the
-authorities and the medical board take what I regard as a narrow view of
-what is best to be done. They argue that it is encouraging drunkenness
-to send a man home on that account, and they would rather keep him in
-this country to die, or be dismissed the service, than they would
-sanction his being sent home for the effects of alcoholism. The only
-alternative is, that the doctor must make up a false case, at the risk
-of losing his commission, or the man must hang on till he gets his
-furlough. It has, I know, been placed before several boards officially,
-that many a man's life might be saved, and the evil habit subdued, if he
-were allowed to go home in time, and have the sea voyage, the European
-climate, and the home influences; but these representations have
-elicited nothing but anger and reproof. Such being the views adopted at
-headquarters, nothing is left to the executive officer but to act on
-them.' 'I am quite aware,' returned W., 'that what you say is correct.
-You have, in fact, scarcely gone far enough, for they add, that it is
-more for the advantage of the State to let in fresh blood, in the shape
-of fresh men, than to keep on the list men who have broken down from
-their own vicious habits by sending them home, and thus prolonging their
-lives. Such patched-up men, they say, can never go through fatigues,
-and wear and tear, that a sound man could and would go through. And to
-say the truth between ourselves, I think they are right. Compassion and
-friendship make one feel that the regulations are hard when they are
-applied to one of our own friends and intimates; but, looking to the
-advantage of the service only, I cannot say that they are ill-judged.'
-'To some extent I agree with you, but everything is in degree, and a
-margin should be allowed. As you put it, to send a man home merely to
-prolong his life, I think, carries with it the condemnation of the whole
-system; had he been sent home in time, he would, in all probability,
-have been saved from any serious injury, but if the poor creature is to
-be kept here till he is at death's door before the medical officer dare
-recommend his being sent home, then likely enough it is as you put it,
-and he comes out injured in physique and in efficiency.'
-
-W. would not enter my bungalow, but after good night slowly walked to
-his own. As I looked after him, recalling his generosity, and his
-unequalled bravery, as well as his superior wisdom, his powers of
-foresight and reflection, and contrasted all these high qualities with
-his singular and imperturbable calmness and self-possession when
-anything dangerous or unpleasant occurred, I could not but feel that he
-was a remarkably constituted man, or that he had suffered in his earlier
-years some bitter life-killing disappointment that had rendered him
-careless of, and indifferent to, every danger and risk. Too lofty a
-character to yield outwardly to despair, or to shorten the term of
-existence appointed for him, he seemed to dwell in an atmosphere of his
-own, that he suffered no one to share with him or even to approach. Some
-quiet sarcasm, always good-humoured, and the rare indulgence of the
-risible faculty, were the only indications I ever observed in him of
-any passing emotion strong enough to ruffle the glassy placidity of his
-existence. I could not help whispering to myself, 'a wrecked heart,' so
-deeply was I impressed with his gentle, kindly manner, and his utter
-recklessness of life, yet I knew nothing whatever of his early history;
-it was merely fancy's web woven without my knowledge or consent.
-Nevertheless, it impressed me with a feeling of sadness that I could not
-for the time banish, and I went to bed to dream of a tiger with an
-angel's face gnawing W.'s heart.
-
-Not many days after my return to the F. Rocks, some of the villagers
-near at hand, or one of the Shikaries employed to look for game, brought
-in word that there was a cheetah to be had near at hand. As soon as
-possible after breakfast all the sporting men present were on horseback,
-or, rather, pony-back, to proceed to the spotted gentleman's lair. I
-accompanied them as a spectator, attended by beaters and villagers.
-Altogether, besides natives, there were fourteen of us. As we approached
-the jungle we dismounted, leaving the tatoos to the care of the ghorey
-wallahs. The primary rule impressed on all was to endeavour to preserve
-a line; but in a jungle where people could see but a very short distance
-on any side, this proved to be impracticable, and the consequence was
-that after the beast was disturbed by the beaters, and one or other of
-the guns caught sight of him, there was firing on all sides, or, rather,
-bursts of firing, cross firing, so that every now and then the singing
-and hissing of balls, and the cracking of branches, was heard on every
-side. During the whole time the firing lasted, I only caught sight of
-the cheetah once as he bounded from one thicket to another; but from the
-whistling and cracking going on all round, any one of us might have been
-shot a dozen times over.
-
-Before the cheetah was disposed of he had been hit thirteen times, but
-in no mortal part; the last ball had, however, struck him in the loins,
-which prevented any more of his rapid springs and bounds. The next ball
-laid him at M.'s feet. He was a beautiful fellow, though not a large
-one; and he had made a gallant defence against a dozen guns. Though he
-had hurt no one seriously--his foes were so close and so many and such
-practised men, that he had no time to maul or mumble anybody, though it
-was evident that his intentions were good--he had knocked over two men,
-a Shikary and a beater; but in the first case a ball from S., who was
-close beside the Shikary, had sent him off with a broken forearm, and in
-the second case a ball from W. had driven him off with a wound in the
-side and two broken ribs, by which the ball, which otherwise would have
-been fatal, was turned aside. Both his springs were so strong that after
-knocking over the men he rolled over himself, once in the first
-instance, and twice in the second, before he could pick himself up,
-which gave W. the chance of giving a mortal blow; but, as I have said,
-the ribs turned the ball--all which particulars were learned when the
-beast was skinned, and the course of the balls traced. It was most
-extraordinary good-fortune that no one was shot on this occasion; but
-the folly and absurdity of the method adopted, as well as the greatly
-increased and unnecessary risk incurred by it, were obvious to everyone,
-and it was agreed _nem. con._ that no such large parties should ever go
-out again.
-
-Some weeks elapsed before any fresh game and its whereabouts were
-discovered; but as soon as this was clearly made out, another shikar
-party was decided on. Four guns, and myself as guest or spectator,
-composed it. The sportsmen drew lots as to who the four should be, and
-the lots fell on W., M., B., and the Colonel. Not to weary the reader
-with repetition, it is sufficient to say that the beast, said to be a
-tiger, turned out to be a most superb cheetah, so large that he
-resembled a tiger in size; but this magnificent fellow was killed with
-the second shot. When disturbed by the beaters and by their noise and
-tom-toms, he looked at them for a moment, then, as if confident in his
-strength, in the most contemptuous way turned on his posteriors and
-began to walk slowly away. One of the guns--I think the Colonel
-fired--wounded the grand beast, who, with a terrible roar, turned at
-once and prepared to spring. Before he could do so, two shots lodged in
-his brain, and he fell at once and died almost immediately. Thus this
-huge cat made scarcely any fight, while the smaller one rolled over two
-men and took fourteen shots to dispose of him. W. and M. had fired at
-the same instant, and apparently both shots were mortal. They tossed up
-for the 'spolia opima.' M. won. The skin when taken off, stretched and
-dried was the finest I ever saw; in beauty it far exceeded W.'s tiger
-skin, and in size fell little short of it.
-
-Had I been placed permanently in medical charge of the regiment, and it
-had remained in a sporting country, I should certainly have learned to
-use the rifle; but not many weeks after this I was relieved by Dr. B.,
-the man for whom I had been acting. I did not consider it as a relief, I
-must admit. I had become attached to the men of the regiment, and it
-took away my chance of becoming a sportsman.
-
-Previous to the date of my relief, a very singular incident occurred,
-while a third party, which, on account of hospital work, I was unable to
-join, were out after a cheetah. (I had the details from the men present,
-from W. himself, and from Ram Sing, the naigue of his company, who was
-in hospital at the time I left the regiment.) It occurred in this way:
-the cat had been tracked into a certain thicket, and it was expected
-that he would at any moment break forth. W. was about ten paces'
-distance from it, as was S. a little to the right of W. Both waited for
-some movement or sign on the part of the cheetah, but he made none. At
-last S., losing patience, actually stepped into the thicket they had
-been watching. He must, indeed, have all but put his foot on the
-cheetah, who was crouching down, well gathered together, just about to
-make his spring. He took no notice of S., though close to him, but
-sprang at W., who was at least seven or eight yards off, whom he rolled
-over, at the same time knocking his gun out of his hand. Most luckily
-the beast rolled over also, but with the speed of light he recovered
-himself, and was about to mumble W.'s shoulder, when he received a
-stunning blow from a heavy bamboo club in the hands of Ram Sing, the
-naigue already mentioned, who had kept close to his Captain from the
-beginning. This saved W. at the instant, and the repetition of the blow
-drew the furious animal's attention solely to the naigue. He left W.,
-and jumping on Ram Sing, knocked him down, tore both his shoulders, one
-with either paw, and then before help came detached the scalp from the
-poor fellow's forehead. At this instant he received a mortal blow from
-S., followed by a second ball from W. (who had recovered himself
-sufficiently to use his gun), which pierced his heart. At less than two
-paces off the beast lay dead beside Ram Sing, who was at once taken to
-the hospital. This brave fellow wanted to walk, and tried to do so, till
-it was evident that his strength was unequal to it. As they were bearing
-him along, fainting from the shock and loss of blood, he whispered,
-'Aggur murgisto Ram Sing, mesaka ney. Captain Saib ne marre.' (If Ram
-Sing dies, what matter? the Captain is not hurt.)
-
-As soon as the poor naigue reached the hospital a dose of brandy, a
-little disguised and given as medicine, quickly overcame the syncope,
-and Ram Sing opened his eyes, sat up, and when he saw W., who had walked
-by the side of his litter to the hospital, standing by his side, his
-eyes brightened, and he said, 'Saib ne marre?' W., who spoke Hindustani
-fluently, assured him that, thanks to his courage and quickness, he had
-received no hurt. Ram Sing was then told to lie down, and to be silent,
-while his wounds were attended to. This was by no means an operation
-without pain, but not a word nor a sound did the man utter. He had saved
-his Captain's life, all the regiment knew it, and he was a man of mark
-from that day forth. I verily believe that the pride and pleasure that
-he felt in what he had done repaid him a hundredfold for the suffering
-he had undergone; and as for the risk, he was too truly brave to think
-for a moment about that, and, more than all this, he loved and respected
-W. with a devotion that is not easy to describe. W. was always his hero,
-his idol; W. could never do wrong in his mind. W.'s remarkable bravery,
-imperturbable quietude in danger, together with his kindness and
-generosity, had elevated him into the position of a sort of demigod or
-superior being, and I truly and sincerely believe that almost every
-native man in the gallant --th would have laid down his life for W.
-without hesitation. The feeling displayed by these men brought strongly
-to my mind that shown by Clive's Sepoys at the siege of Arcot, when rice
-was so scarce that he feared he should be starved into surrender, and
-when there were 20,000 foes surrounding the place.
-
-This incident closes what we have to present regarding Captain Whistler,
-one of the most noble-minded, brave and generous men that ever adorned
-the Indian Service.
-
-
-
-
-No. III.
-
-MISS B. AND HER PRESENT.
-
-
-From my brother's memoranda, said the Doctor to the company on board the
-_Elephanta_, it would appear that several of the officers of the
-far-famed regiment, the 13th Dragoons, possessed merits considerably
-above the average. He gives sketches of most of them, portraits of a
-few. These I shall not attempt to reproduce, but I will venture to make
-some selections. He says:
-
-'I found Colonel B., the officer commanding the regiment, one of the
-most courtly-mannered men I had ever met, and though his figure was by
-no means commanding, his easy elegant address was highly captivating,
-and his superior intelligence, marked by every look and word, gained
-respect at once, while the kind and urbane expression of his features
-challenged esteem and regard.' Within five minutes after his card had
-been taken in, and his name announced, my brother found himself, though
-previously a total stranger, chatting perfectly at his ease with his new
-commandant, such was the charm of Colonel B.'s manner.
-
-Besides being the finished gentleman and accomplished soldier, Colonel
-B. was a very successful water-colour painter, as was proved by the
-various specimens adorning his study. My brother had not himself been
-wholly unsuccessful in this walk of art, having gained some prizes at
-the Society of Arts for his attempts; at all events, he knew enough of
-the art to appreciate the Colonel's beautiful performances, and he
-expressed his feelings freely and warmly, as well as in a way to show
-that he knew something of what he was talking about.
-
-The result of the interview was that the Colonel took rather a fancy to
-the young assistant-surgeon who was to do duty with his regiment. On the
-part of my brother, the feeling was more than mutual, for the more he
-saw of his commandant, the more he liked and admired him. At the time I
-speak of, the 13th Dragoons were stationed at Bangalore, one of the most
-delightful localities in India, and I have already said that the native
-regiment, of which my brother was afterwards in medical charge, was
-stationed there also. The consequence of this vicinity was that in due
-course Colonel B. brought his wife to see my brother's wife, a visit
-which again in due course my brother and his wife returned. The ladies
-became friends, and the friendship has only been closed by poor Mrs.
-B.'s death. She was, at the time to which I refer, one of the
-handsomest, most queen-like women to be seen anywhere.
-
-But it is rather of her gifted husband than of her that I wish to speak.
-Colonel B.'s talents were indeed so great and so various that they
-demand a far abler pen than mine to do them justice. Wit the most ready,
-sparkling, and unbounded, united with an unequalled address and manner,
-made him the most delightful companion that can be imagined. No company
-could resist his powers: laughter unrestrained and irresistible followed
-him wherever he went. I heartily wish I could recall even a few of the
-electric flashes of thought that, 'like orient pearls at random strung,'
-gave life and lustre, fire and fancy to his words. I fear, however, that
-I should only defeat my object if I ventured to make the attempt, I can
-never give the fitting time and place, the circumstance coincident, nor
-the look and manner that were so admirable and so appropriate.
-
-On the occasion to which this extract chiefly refers, Lord Elphinstone,
-then Governor of Madras, and his friend Lord Cardigan, who was his
-visitor, were the guests of the regiment. Colonel B. was sitting at the
-mess-table between them in high spirits, his irresistible stories and
-anecdotes creating an atmosphere of merriment around him. My brother was
-not near enough to hear half that passed, but his eye took in the
-situation, and in spite of the noise, the clapping, and the laughter,
-his ear was very attentive and quick.
-
-The first _morceau ragoutant_ that reached him was Colonel B.'s account
-of what had taken place at Colonel C.'s public breakfast some four or
-five mornings before. Colonel C. was then the Commissioner for Mysore.
-While at breakfast, he received Lord Elphinstone's answer to an
-invitation requesting him and his friend, Lord Cardigan, to spend some
-time at Bangalore, and during their stay to give him the pleasure of
-being their host. The invitation had been accepted, and accordingly
-Colonel C. announced that the two noble lords would shortly be at
-Bangalore. There was a large party at the breakfast, among whom was
-Captain A., who was one of the Commission. As soon as this officer,
-whose intrinsic worth was not hidden by French, or, indeed, by any other
-kind of polish, heard the announcement, he broke out thus: 'Eh, sirs,
-twa lurds--twa lurds! What'll I do, how'll I boo?' a sally which
-occasioned no little merriment amongst those who heard it, and still
-more at the mess-table after the Colonel's recital, who followed it up
-by such a string of jokes and puns and telling repartees, that an old
-Bengal civilian, whose name was Potts, and who was the Colonel's
-_vis-à-vis_, appeared thoroughly bewildered. He never uttered a word,
-but sat looking from one to the other with his mouth wide open, drinking
-in, as it seemed, the stream of wit, the like of which he had never
-perhaps in his whole life heard before. The old gentleman's behaviour
-afforded Colonel B. a good deal of quiet amusement. Unnoticed, he made
-his friends aware of what had attracted his attention, and then, as soon
-as he saw that they were observing, he remarked to his opposite: 'Mr.
-Potts, you're quite chatty,'[2] which, it is needless to say, set the
-table off again.
-
-When the laughter had a little subsided, Colonel B. recommenced by
-giving his guests a sketch of a certain Miss B., a young lady between
-forty and fifty years of age, who was a well-known character in the
-cantonment. He gave them to understand that this young lady still
-_hoped_. She could not, indeed, bring herself to believe that she would
-always remain Miss B., and, in consequence of this settled conviction,
-she not unfrequently afforded amusement to her acquaintances. Remarks to
-this effect, whenever she indulged in them, appeared to yield the ladies
-considerable enjoyment: 'You know, my dear, when I get married, or when
-I have a house of my own,' etc. These unintentional exhibitions of her
-hopes and wishes on the part of Miss B. led to a good deal of harmless
-quizzing, and to numerous inquiries, such as, 'On whom were her smiles
-chiefly bestowed?' 'Who was to be the happy man?' or 'Whether this lucky
-individual had been fixed on?' 'When would the ceremony take place?' and
-many more such seductive and insidious questions, which led the dear
-innocent into sundry admissions and confessions, tending to show that
-she had anything but a dislike to the holy state of matrimony, though
-she had not yet made her election. 'The state of affairs having thus
-been made sufficiently evident, several of the young scamps you see
-around you, who, as well as Miss B., are frequent visitors at my house,
-took it into their wise heads, for the sake of the fun, to declare
-themselves Miss B.'s admirers, partly with the sanction, at all events,
-with the tacit permission, of Mrs. B., who could not find it in her
-heart to object to anything in the shape of fun and frolic. So it has
-come to pass that a frequent amusement there is the violent love-making
-on the part of these young lads to this sweet young creature, who, to do
-her but justice, distributes her sweetness to A., B., or C. with an
-impartiality that really is quite charming. I sometimes fear that the
-young fellows are carrying matters too far with their protestations,
-their vows of devotion, their hopes of future bliss, their dread that
-she prefers another, their appeals to a cornelian heart she wears, which
-more than one of these describe as their mutual property, and a great
-deal more of like quality, which, with their kneeling and impassioned
-acting, is comical enough. Yet one thing to be remarked is, to my mind,
-more comical still--the more fervid the performance, the more the lady
-is pleased; but the crowning fun is that, under the continuance of the
-excitement, the dear old girl gets so dreadfully affectionate, that more
-than one of the performers has declared his conviction that ere long she
-will throw herself into the arms of one or other of them.'
-
-'Well, B.,' said both his guests, 'you must give us an opportunity of
-being present at one of these scenes; we wouldn't miss the chance on any
-account. The fun must be "rich and rare."' 'Make your minds easy,'
-replied the Colonel; 'we'll have a rehearsal at which you shall be
-present in a few days. Let me see,' added he, 'I'm not sure that we
-can't manage it sooner.' 'The sooner the better,' said his friends.
-'There is the sham fight,' resumed the Colonel, 'to-morrow, and it will
-occupy us from five a.m. to about ten, which is the hour for breakfast
-with C. We dine with General V. at seven p.m., but between breakfast and
-dinner we shall have several hours free, say from twelve a.m. to six
-p.m. Mrs. B. will order us a very light tiffin at two p.m.--some ices
-and blancmange, _rien de plus_, and then we can have, as an interlude
-before dinner, Miss B. and her lovers. How will that suit you?' 'The
-very thing,' said the 'twa lurds.' 'Nothing can be better.' 'That, then,
-is arranged,' said Colonel B., who continued: 'Now you would scarcely
-credit that anyone could be so full of faith as this ancient young
-gentlewoman is; but facts are stubborn things, you know, and therefore
-stubborn things are facts--at least, sometimes.' 'Ah, ha!' said his
-guests, laughing; 'breaking out of bounds, are you?' 'No, no,' returned
-the Colonel, 'only "verbum volans." But these same young men, who are
-now making such violent love to Miss B., played the lady rather a scurvy
-trick the other day. They continued, however, to make her believe that
-they were wholly innocent, and had had no concern in it. They affected
-great indignation against the perpetrators of the outrage, as Miss B.
-termed it, sympathized deeply with her under the infliction, and vowed
-signal vengeance if they could only find out the guilty parties. In a
-short time the confiding fair one believed again, forgetting all her
-suspicions and her anger, and now she listens with obvious delight to
-the vows and protestations of her simulating lovers.' 'She is truly, as
-you have mentioned,' said Lord C., 'a guileless, confiding innocent; but
-you have not told us what the young deceivers did.' 'The thing arose in
-this way,' said Colonel B. 'Some of our young fellows, having heard
-that Miss B. expected a parcel from Madras, determined that she should
-have one with as little delay as might be. They first sent the parcel to
-Madras (to Oakes's, I believe), directing him to take off the wrapper
-with his address on it, and then to forward the parcel inside to the
-address written thereon. They further managed so that the said parcel
-reached Miss B. while she was at my house. Most of the young lads in the
-cantonment were there at the time, and a large gathering beside.'
-
-'"Oh, my parcel, my long-expected parcel, come at last!" exclaimed the
-lady. "Oh, won't you open it? Do open it, Miss B.," said numerous
-voices. "Let me help you"--from others. "But what is it?" said Mrs. B.;
-"is it anything that will break? Be careful; you don't know what it is."
-"It's only a silk dress, and some lace trimming." "Well," said one of
-the culprits, "whatever it is, they have wrapped it up well; I think
-this is the tenth paper I have taken off." "Still more to take off,"
-said another. "Very extraordinary! What can it be? I'm sure it's not a
-silk dress; I feel something much firmer and stiffer than a silk dress."
-"I tell you it's only a silk dress," reiterated Miss B. At last the
-boldest of the conspirators took off the last envelope of gauze paper,
-and exhibited _something_. As he did so he said to poor Miss B., "Surely
-this is not a silk dress, is it, Miss B.?" "Oh, heavens!" screamed the
-astonished and horrified lady, running off at once into my wife's
-bedroom--"Oh, heavens! I shall never recover it. Such an insult!"' 'But
-what _did_ the parcel contain after all?' inquired the two magnates.
-'Ah! what did it contain?' asked several voices. 'What do you guess?'
-returned the Colonel. 'Oh, we can't guess; we give it up. Pray tell
-us'--from all sides. 'Well, then, what do you say to a pair of leather
-male garments, a pair of buck-skins--only a pair of buck-skins? I can't
-describe them by the popular denomination; there would be breaches in
-my good manners if I did.'
-
-While Colonel B. was running on in this way, the company, and especially
-the two young lords, were convulsed with laughter. As soon as Lord C.
-could speak, he said, with tears in his eyes, 'Oh, B., you'll be the
-death of us if you go on in this way. E. declares that his sides are so
-sore that it almost makes him cry to laugh any more, and I'm just as
-bad. But who suggested this delicate compliment to Miss B.? I must have
-a glass of wine with him.' 'And I'll join you,' said his friend. 'Why,
-the truth is,' said D., 'there were three of us engaged in the matter,
-but which of us first thought of the leathers I can't say.' 'It is
-evidently a divided honour,' said the Colonel. 'I and Elphinstone will
-drink to you three,' said Lord C., and 'Hurrah for the buck-skins!
-hurrah for the buck-skins!' was shouted on every side.
-
-       *       *       *       *       *
-
-'I think it's high time for us to depart,'said Lady Jervois; 'I'm not
-sure that we haven't stayed too long already. At any rate, it must be
-near eight bells.' 'I agree with you, Lady Jervois,' said Mrs. Smythe;
-'but really I did not anticipate that Dr. Ticklemore would be so minute
-in his detail. I can't help suspecting that he has been taking rather
-unwarrantable liberties with his brother's memoranda, and that his
-description of poor Miss B. is little more than a mischievous libel on
-that ill-used lady.' 'I'm sure, Dr. Ticklemore,' said Miss Perkins,
-'that no correct unmarried lady would go on as you try to make out that
-Miss B. did.' 'Really, Miss Perkins and ladies all,' replied the Doctor,
-'I do assure you I have taken no liberties with my brother's memoranda,
-and not for the world would I dream of taking any with such a lady as
-Miss B.' 'Good-night, gentlemen; good-night, Dr. Ticklemore, with thanks
-for your narrative, or at least for part of it; but we must put you on
-your good behaviour for the future, or we cannot make a part of your
-audience.' 'Why, I haven't said anything that's not proper, have I?'
-'No, no,' said Captain Ward; 'any exuberance in his descriptions he'll
-avoid in future, I'm sure. You pledge yourself, mind that, Ticklemore,
-on my guarantee.' 'Oh, certainly!' returned the culprit; 'I'm pledged,
-pawned, verbally and corporeally, to avoid all exuberance, though what
-kind of crime that is I don't quite know; _but it's all the same_,'
-_sotto voce_. 'Well, remember; you are only to be honoured with an
-audience on the promise of future good behaviour.' 'Aye, aye, sir,' said
-the nautical Esculapius.
-
-       *       *       *       *       *
-
-'Well, now that the ladies are amongst the departed,' said Dr. T., 'I
-can finish the sketch my brother has given us of Colonel B.'s sayings
-and doings relative to Miss B. and the present of the leathers. Mrs. B.,
-though she enjoyed the joke as much as any of the conspirators, took
-compassion on the wounded sensibilities of the lady, made her pass the
-night at the house, and kept her there as a guest for some days; in
-short, she did all she could to soothe and console. She would not allow
-anyone who called to be admitted, and when, after a day or two of
-seclusion, the Colonel met Miss B. in the drawing-room, he spoke to her
-just as if nothing had occurred to ruffle her feelings; he was ever kind
-and courteous to everyone, and unwilling to give pain. He would not,
-therefore, have made any allusion to what had recently occurred, but
-Miss B. felt her wrongs were too great to be passed over in silence, and
-her sorrows were too weighty to be repressed. With a flood of tears she
-referred to the outrage, the indignity, the insult that had been offered
-to her; it was cruel, it was unmanly it was cowardly, it was
-disgraceful. By-and-by she ran herself out, and began to speak of less
-poignant afflictions. It was not enough that she should be disappointed
-in receiving the dress she had been so long expecting, but she must, in
-addition, be subject to such vile treatment. (Sob after sob.) "Why don't
-you say something to soothe her distress, Dick?" said Mrs. B., "you can
-comfort so well if you will." "Can I?" said the Colonel. "_C'est bien_,
-madame." Then turning to Miss B., he said, "Indeed I sympathize with you
-deeply. Such a wicked present as you received would naturally cause much
-disappointment. Empty compliments always do cause disappointment; and
-then to have to appear before your friends without your dress must have
-given you deep mortification, although it is said that 'beauty unadorned
-is then adorned the most.'" "Dick, Dick," interposed Mrs. B., "how can
-you go on so?" "How could Miss B. go on so, did you say? Well, how she
-could is difficult to understand." "Oh, stop, will you," said Mrs. B.,
-"you're a horrid fellow; you won't even listen to all Miss B.'s troubles
-and distresses." "What, anything more," asked the Colonel, "beside the
-costume of the Buffs, or the want of costume, that vexed her so much?"
-"Hold that mischievous tongue of yours and listen. Miss B. will be
-obliged when she leaves our roof to go and live in the Fort, because her
-nephew, Mr. H., has been ordered to reside there for the present." "And
-if it be so," replied Colonel B., "I don't see any serious hardship or
-misfortune in it." "No; but Miss B. regrets that she will be three miles
-from her friends; and there within the walls of the Fort she will have
-nothing to amuse her, nothing except the goats and kids, sheep and rams,
-and lambs, and the bare walls to look at." "Ah, now," said the Colonel,
-"I admit she is to be pitied; to have nothing to amuse her, nothing even
-to look at, except the naked walls and ramparts, is a sad and melancholy
-occupation. I feel for you deeply, Miss B."
-
-'This meagre sketch of Colonel B. would be more imperfect than it is if
-nothing was said of his wonderful power as an actor. This, however, my
-brother passes over very slightly, and it is much to be regretted, as in
-some characters he was really inimitable, unapproachable. All the
-Falstaffs that the stage has ever seen were not so perfect in the
-conception and exhibition of the matchless wit of the fat old knight as
-Colonel B.'s. Many bigger and lustier men, properly stuffed out, would
-no doubt exhibit the figure which Shakespeare has given to the hoary
-sinner more adequately, but no one, I believe, ever came up to the
-Colonel in the rendering of every sentence and every word spoken by
-Falstaff. He made the author's meaning plain and intelligible to almost
-everyone; his superlative acting explained what would otherwise have
-escaped notice, or have been misunderstood, or not understood at all. To
-read the play after having witnessed his portraiture of Falstaff was
-like looking at a butterfly's wing with the naked eye, and then viewing
-it under the microscope. My brother has some rather amusing remarks on
-the Colonel's powers and high qualities as an actor in other characters;
-he mentions Tyke, Alapod, Touchstone, and many others, in all of which
-Colonel B. was very admirable. But a Bangalore audience, at the time to
-which my brother's memoranda refers, was little fitted to appreciate the
-higher walks of histrionic art. Farces, Bombastes Furioso, and such kind
-of entertainments were better suited to their mental calibre. He
-illustrates his meaning by the following anecdote: The Colonel's acting,
-though so truly admirable, had never elicited much applause until in one
-of his characters (I forget which) he had to bray like a donkey. This
-performance elicited uproarious and long-continued applause. The
-Colonel's only remark after this was, "He knew now what suited a
-Bangalore audience." This closes the sketch I have consulted of this
-highly gifted and talented man. Both he and the audience that excited
-his contempt have passed away, almost all of them: but all who ever knew
-Colonel B. may well say, "When shall we look upon his like again?" Yet
-though I am without the sources of information that I have till now
-relied on, my memory would rise up in judgment against me if I did not
-say a few words in illustration of the undeviating kindness of heart,
-active benevolence, and unrivalled ability which so often prompted him
-to stand forth as the defender of those whom misfortune, or even
-momentary culpability, had brought into grave trouble and danger. I
-shall never forget the impression made on me merely by reading his
-masterly defence of poor Captain E., who was brought before a
-court-martial for being drunk while on main guard. I do not call to mind
-all the circumstances of the case, but I remember the prosecutor was
-Major S., then commanding H.M.'s 39th Regiment, and a noble regiment it
-was. The facts connected with the charge were chiefly as follows:
-Captain O. deposed that he visited the guard at the usual hour, and the
-prisoner came forward to give his report, but fell down on the ground
-before he was near enough to hand it to him; that he called to the
-sergeant of the guard, who handed him the report. Captain O. then asked
-the sergeant if he had seen what had occurred; the sergeant replied that
-he had seen it all. Captain O. then rode to the quarters of the officers
-commanding the cantonment, and at once reported the circumstance.
-Colonel L. then and there placed the defaulter under arrest, and ordered
-Captain G., the next on the roster for that duty, to relieve Captain E.
-immediately. These facts were all duly set forth in the various counts
-into which the charge was subdivided, and were all proved by _viva voce_
-evidence in court. The prisoner had, by Colonel B.'s advice, reserved
-his defence until everything that could be urged against him had been
-stated, and, as it seemed, fully substantiated; he then recorded the
-plea "Not guilty," adding that he had placed his defence in the hands of
-Colonel B., who had kindly offered his assistance. The Court having
-granted Colonel B. permission to plead for the prisoner, the Colonel,
-having thanked the Court for having conceded to him the position he had
-sought, commenced his address something to this effect: As a British
-officer, he felt that discipline, the strictest discipline, was the life
-of an army, the great distinction between a _mob_ and a _regular force_,
-and that it must be enforced on all occasions, and under every possible
-condition; that the pain and grief that a generous heart must sometimes
-feel in carrying it into execution must never for an instant be allowed
-to interfere or suspend, or to mitigate, the penalties or punishments
-awarded by military law for military offences. "With these sentiments
-firmly fixed in my mind, I should be the last man in the army to come
-forward to advocate any cause, or support any plea, that would in the
-remotest way tend to undermine or weaken or impair discipline. But, sir,
-discipline is not opposed to justice; discipline is the strong arm of
-justice; discipline without justice could not long exist, for then it
-would be injustice, and injustice would be a breach of discipline.
-Discipline and justice, then, must go together; they cannot be
-disunited. These principles, sir, are as old as the world, and as fixed
-as the foundations of the world; and, sir, in making this appeal to you,
-and to every member of this Court of Honour, I feel as sure of the
-response as if I saw every generous heart laid bare before me. You will
-all, without a doubt, uphold discipline, but you will not forget that to
-uphold discipline you must do justice; and to do justice you must take
-nothing for granted, you must insist on having proofs, undoubted,
-undeniable proofs; no suspicions or suspicious circumstances must be
-accepted as proofs. Did you, or could you, accept any such as proofs,
-you would not do justice, and consequently would not uphold discipline.
-If any one count of the charge cannot be distinctly and unequivocally
-proved, that count is doubtful, and the law declares that when there is
-a doubt the accused is to have the benefit of it. But why do I speak of
-law? Your own feelings will tell you most emphatically that you cannot
-condemn when you are in doubt. Now to apply these principles. The
-prisoner is charged with being drunk on duty--an unpardonable crime in a
-military point of view--and you have had it in evidence on oath that
-this unfortunate officer was so incapable that, when advancing to give
-in his report, he fell on the ground. This has been stated on oath by
-Captain O. and Sergeant Maguire, both witnesses of unimpeachable credit,
-and both without any adverse bias or leaning. But, Mr. President and
-gentlemen, we must not forget that opinions are not proofs. To prove
-that the fall and the incapability resulted from drunkenness we must
-have more than opinions. First, we must inquire if any liquor or spirit
-was drunk at the guard-room. The prisoner admits that he drank while on
-guard the quantity that you see is absent out of this small flask. It
-was nearly full when he left home, and the Sergeant found it on the
-table in the guard-room, with this quantity in it; this he has sworn to.
-Thus it is clear that Captain E. did not, out of this flask, while on
-guard, drink more than one glass of brandy, and he was there for six
-hours. The Sergeant has further deposed that no liquor except that
-brought in the flask by the prisoner was brought into the guard-room by
-any other person. How, then, is the drunkenness to be accounted for? One
-glass of brandy taken in six hours will not make any man drunk. There is
-the fall and the incapability, but one glass of brandy in the time
-stated will not account for these. If they cannot be attributed to
-drunkenness there must be some other cause. The prisoner will, if
-cross-examined, confirm what I have now to state. During the day of that
-night when Captain E. was to remain on guard, he had suffered more or
-less from neuralgia of the left side of the face; he has, I may now
-state, ever since he was in Burmah, suffered at times from this
-complaint, and on account of this wearing and painful affection he has
-been obliged to take morphine and other narcotics to a great extent. He
-also admits that he had at times taken alcoholic stimulants in
-considerable quantity, and that shortly before going on guard he had
-done so. While on guard he further admits that he took several doses of
-morphine. To the combined effects of these remedies he attributed the
-fall and the incapability; he was overcome by the action of stimulants
-and narcotics, but surely this is not drunkenness? Dr. MacD. is also
-prepared to state on oath that he is fully aware of the fact that
-Captain E. has for a long time past suffered from neuralgia, more or
-less severe, and that he has on many occasions prescribed for him on
-account of it. These circumstances, I submit, relieve the case of its
-worst features, and I confidently appeal to the gallant officer who has
-felt it to be his duty to bring the charge into Court, whether he does
-not now feel that the case wears a new aspect? Major S. generously and
-frankly admits that he is not now so certain of the prisoner's guilt as
-he was when he first took up the case. Nothing less was to be expected
-from his well-known character, zealous as he is that the reputation of
-his far-famed regiment, _primus in Indus_, should remain unsullied and
-unspotted. Earnest as he is to preserve its honour and its discipline,
-he is yet too magnanimous, too just, too truthful, to press his charge
-unduly. He has admitted that he is not now so certain as he was. What do
-those noble words amount to? Do they not admit a doubt--a doubt
-entertained by a frank and lofty mind not shut against conviction? He
-says his opinion is not to decide. No, we know full well for what
-purpose this Court is now sitting; we know that a wife and family are
-now enduring the agony of suspense; we know that degradation and
-disgrace, nay, future poverty and misery, depend on your decision; we
-know that though you, too, are zealous and eager to uphold discipline,
-you are not forgetful of justice; we know that, not less magnanimous and
-truthful than Major S., you will, like him, not refuse to admit a doubt,
-where doubt really is; we know to whom we trust, and if trust cannot be
-reposed in such an assembly of British officers, it is nowhere to be
-found in the world! May I say one word more? May that Great and Just
-Being before whom we must all one day appear, direct and guide you so
-that your rest may be sweet and unbroken, and never be disturbed by the
-thought that you refused to a poor suffering brother that justice
-tempered with mercy which we all shall one day need, and all look to
-obtain, through merits not our own."
-
-A hum and buzz of applause ran through the Court; then the President and
-members retired, and there was an interval of silence and suspense.
-Whispers were the only mode of communication employed. After nearly
-twenty minutes had elapsed, a member of the Court opened the door and
-directed Captain E. to attend him, that the sentence of the Court might
-be communicated by the President. It is not necessary to trace all the
-steps or forms adopted by military tribunals; all that is needful to
-record is that after a severe admonition, and the loss of some steps in
-rank, Captain E.'s sword was restored to him. Everyone in Court
-congratulated him warmly on his escape. The poor man seemed stunned; he
-could only say, 'Thank you, thank you.'
-
-Colonel B., who was overwhelmed by compliments and praises, as soon as
-he could disengage himself from the General and Major S., came up to
-Captain E., and hurrying him into his carriage, drove him away amidst
-the cheers of the assembly. But words are wanting to describe the
-meeting of the wife and the husband. The lady wished to throw herself at
-Colonel B.'s feet, but he would not suffer it. He placed her in her
-husband's arms, and then left them with their mingled benedictions
-making sweet music in his ears, and gratitude too great for utterance
-streaming from their eyes. Colonel B. directed his coachman to go slowly
-round the racecourse before he drove home. Is there a living man who
-does not envy him the luxury of that solitary drive? And what are the
-compliments and praises of the world compared to the approval of that
-still small voice that God has placed within our breasts?
-
-Let us leave the excellent man of whom we have been speaking to the
-sweet converse with that silent voice. That the rewards he thus
-experienced were inexpressibly dear to him is proved by his practice
-through life. He stood forth on every possible occasion as the champion
-of distress, making his unrivalled talents the servants of his humanity,
-and the ministers of relief and safety to many who, like Captain E., had
-none but him to help them.
-
-Who, then, knowing these things, can doubt that the soldier with his
-motto, "En avant," has found the path to realms beyond the sky, to
-fields of glory unprofaned by blood and death, but yet where few shall
-go before him?
-
-FOOTNOTE:
-
-[2] To those who have not been in India it is necessary to explain that
-the word 'chatty' means in the Tamul language an earthen vessel or pot,
-which, combined with the fact of the old gentleman's taciturnity, being
-thus a silent receptacle of the flow of wit, made the remark doubly
-telling.
-
-
-
-
-No. IV.
-
-THE DELIGHTS OF INDIAN MUSIC.
-
-
-The ladies, who were present the following evening when Dr. T. had
-narrated Colonel B.'s exertions on behalf of Captain E., were loud in
-his praise, and in their acknowledgments of the gratification they had
-experienced. Lady Jervois said, 'We can now thank you, Dr. Ticklemore,
-without any reservation, for assuredly you have afforded us a glimpse of
-a very fine character; but, like a beautiful dissolving view, you have
-not allowed us to dwell long enough on the picture.' 'Most true, Lady
-Jervois,' remarked Mrs. Smythe, 'we have not often the opportunity of
-contemplating such various gifts, such high intelligence, and such
-nobleness of heart united in one individual. I am grieved that you have
-not more to tell us of so charming a man.' 'Bella and I,' said Miss
-Perkins, 'are both of us quite in love with Colonel B.; he must have
-been truly a delightful man.' 'Well, ladies, I am glad that my sketch of
-Colonel B. has not been unacceptable. I have a few words to say of
-Colonel MacC., who was a dashing soldier and a fine-looking man. These
-anecdotes, for they are nothing more, will just fill up the short time
-before we separate for the evening, and conclude the extracts I have
-made from my brother's memoranda, having reference to that glorious old
-Peninsular regiment, the 13th Dragoons. Colonel MacC. was at the time
-referred to second in command, but he had originally stood before
-Colonel B., being his senior in military rank, and his name was first on
-the list for purchase, and both officers had lodged the sum required.
-Unfortunately for Colonel MacC., his father, on account of some
-temporary pressure, withdrew the purchase-money; and, still more
-unfortunately for him, during the term of withdrawal, which was to have
-been but a few months, the colonelcy fell vacant, and, as a matter of
-course, the officer whose money was ready was gazetted as
-colonel-in-command. This occurrence was unfortunate, not only for
-Colonel MacC., but for all parties concerned, and for the regiment, as
-in spite of every effort on the part of Colonel B., it caused something
-like a split, a division into two parties, and it produced a soreness
-and estrangement between the two senior officers. Military usage, and
-the polished manners of the higher classes, could neither support nor
-altogether conceal this feeling, which occasionally peeped out--at
-least, on the part of Colonel MacC., never on the part of Colonel B. It
-is true that he was the winner, and the old saying, "Those may laugh who
-win," was made good--not literally, certainly, for Colonel B. was far
-too polished to do anything of the kind, or to show anything in the
-shape of exultation; still the former cordiality was gone, and a studied
-politeness obtained in its place.
-
-'Between these two gallant soldiers, there were other points of
-difference, which, while they were fast friends, were never referred to;
-but now that these mutual feelings were altered, these springs of strife
-did sometimes make themselves evident. A short explanation of what these
-were appears to be called for. Colonel B. was what the world terms a
-_novus homo_. It is true that his father was a talented professional
-man; it is true that his sister, by the attraction of her wit, grace,
-and beauty, coupled with a spotless name, had married an earl; and it
-is true that he himself was a colonel of Dragoons; but all this, which
-only proved that he and his belongings were far above their neighbours
-in much that was most admirable and estimable, went for nothing against
-the one overpowering fact that Colonel MacC. was a man of family. He
-could trace back his family name I don't know how far, his clan was
-mentioned in very old records, and he himself claimed an unbroken
-descent (though this, it seems, other gentlemen of the same name
-disputed) from one Roderick MacC., termed the "Red-handed," from the
-fact that his hands were never long free from this peculiar colour. This
-very noble gentleman was at feud with several other clans, and his
-exploits in the way of storming their strongholds, extirpating the
-former possessors, or burning them altogether in their dwellings after
-the storm, were greatly celebrated and admired by all his friends and
-dependents; while by his neighbours of some other name he was as greatly
-feared and dreaded. The achievements of this most interesting character
-were lightened and alleviated by lifting cattle, or sweeping a
-particular district of everything movable.
-
-'These frequent successful raids, varied only by the occasional
-abduction or violation of some unhappy female, put the finishing touch,
-the crowning halo, to the fame and glory of this superlative hero. That
-MacC., being a polished gentleman, not destitute of humanity, frank, and
-to the last point tenacious of his word, brave and generous, should
-consider his descent from the red-handed robber and murderer as a high
-distinction and a high honour may seem strange, but so it was.
-
-'It is in all cases useless to argue against facts, and there are but
-few facts more distinct or positive than the pride with which the large
-majority of those whose birth enables them to do so deduce their descent
-from some iron-handed robber or murderer, provided he lived a long time
-ago. Time, it would appear, converts crime into virtue. If any warrior,
-knight, or lord committed, or attempted to commit, in these days, the
-crimes that his ancestors committed with impunity, he would be hanged or
-shot, and would, besides, incur the detestation of society.
-
-'Colonel MacC. was proud of his name and his long line of ancestry, even
-though it included the red-handed gentleman, and many other smaller
-lights who did their best to emulate that worthy's achievements.
-Sometimes, when Colonel MacC. stayed longer at the mess-table than was
-his wont, he used to remark that the service had greatly deteriorated
-since he had entered it, and when the natural inquiry, "How so,
-Colonel?" or, "In what respect?" had been elicited, "the hidden anguish
-of his soul" would peep forth something in this wise: "Why, you see
-nowadays they put any man in command of a regiment. They only ask if he
-can purchase; if he can, the thing is settled, he gets the step. It
-signifies nothing whether his father was butcher or baker, tinker or
-tailor; if he can pay, he gets the step, even though it may be the
-command of the regiment; but in my young days a man's name did stand for
-something. They would not in those days have put Jack, Tom, or Harry in
-such a position, particularly when they had a man whose family was
-known, and who was in other respects qualified to take the command."
-
-'Poor Colonel MacC.! he could not forget or forgive his supercession,
-but nevertheless he had many good qualities, and was a man to be liked
-and respected. He could also be generous even to a very contemptible
-character, as the following instance proves:
-
-'Colonel MacC. was a thorough sportsman, an excellent man for
-cross-country, whether it was after a fox at home, or after a jackal in
-India; a capital shot, whether for tiger or elephant, or for partridge,
-pheasant, or snipe, and a man who, after his father's death, kept up a
-noble stud of horses. At Madras, at Hyderabad, at Bangalore, wherever
-there was a race, Colonel MacC.'s horses were entered. From inherited
-property, from being a bachelor, and from his position in the regiment,
-by which he received more pay than he spent, he became the richest man
-in it; he was, in consequence, enabled to indulge his desire to back his
-own horses, or to bet on others as he pleased, and this he did pretty
-heavily. At one of the Bangalore races, I cannot call to mind the year,
-Colonel MacC. had a bet of 3,000 rupees with a Mr. ----, an officer of
-one of the native regiments there stationed. The race came off, and the
-Colonel's horse won. Mr. ---- immediately gave the Colonel a cheque on
-Messrs. Arbuthnot and Co. for the amount, and the matter was apparently
-settled; but a few days after the Colonel received a letter from Messrs.
-A., stating that they had in their possession no funds belonging to Mr.
-----. This personage, when called on to explain his conduct, pleaded
-that he thought the agents at Madras did that sort of thing. He wrote a
-very extraordinary letter, covering four sides of paper, and concluding
-thus: "That if they did not forgive him, to-morrow's sun should smile
-upon his grave." Colonel MacC. laughed immoderately, and when the other
-members of the racing committee, or most of them, said, "MacC., you must
-bring this gentleman forward," the Colonel replied: "Not I; he's too
-paltry a creature for me to touch. Besides, he has afforded me a hearty
-laugh, which one does not enjoy every day. He will not show his handsome
-face amongst us again, that you may rely on; and if he takes my advice,
-he will get himself moved out of Bangalore as soon as practicable." And
-thus the matter ended; the Colonel lost his money, Mr. ---- his
-character.
-
-'About this time, or shortly after, it became known that a Highland
-regiment was to pass through Bangalore _en route_ to Hyderabad--I should
-say Secunderabad, as the cantonment is called--situated about three
-miles from the native city, Hyderabad. The natives, who had heard
-highly-laudatory accounts of the Highlanders, were greatly excited. The
-noble qualities of these soldiers on the field of battle were magnified
-in their minds, and the dress they wore was described as grand and
-beautiful, surpassing everything they had yet seen of the Europeans.
-Many thousands of natives went out several miles to meet the regiment on
-the morning it was expected to reach Bangalore, and their enthusiasm
-knew no bounds when they beheld the stature of the men, their kilts,
-their plaids, and plumes. At last, as the regiment approached the
-cantonment, the pipers struck up, and this so enchanted the natives that
-they were absolutely beside themselves with delight. The regiment was
-halted as soon as it was known that the General and staff, with all the
-_élite_ of the station and a great number of fair equestrians, were
-coming out to greet them. Every company dressed up, leaving between them
-the exact distances prescribed. Every man brushed the dust off his
-brogues or sandals; in short, everything was done that could be done to
-impress beholders.
-
-'As the General and his party came in sight the pipes struck up again,
-and the regiment resumed its march. The General and staff drew up by the
-side of the road, and the regiment marched by, saluting; after which,
-accompanied by the whole cortège--General, staff, officers, ladies, and
-natives--the corps marched on to the racecourse, where their tents had
-been pitched. "Really," said a young Scotchman, who had lately joined
-the 13th Dragoons, "if I wasn't a mounted man, I'd like to belong to a
-Highland regiment." "Well," said another, not quite so deeply smitten
-with the appearance of the kilts, "I dare say any one of their young
-ones will exchange with you if you only make the offer." "Aye, McDougal;
-that will just suit you," said Vivian, "as you are such a devoted
-admirer of Signori Rossini, Verdi and Co." "I don't quite make you out,"
-replied McDougal. "Why, don't you see," said Vivian, "you'll always have
-such glorious music; the natives are so mad about the pipes that they
-one and all declare they never thought, before they heard them, 'that
-the English knew anything about music.'" The young Scot, who was an
-accomplished performer on the violin, and perfectly fanatic in his
-admiration of Italian music, did not at first seem to relish the joke;
-but at last he joined in the laugh, protesting, however, that there was
-a time and place for everything, and that though the exquisite strains
-of "Lucia di Lammermoor" were fitter for the drawing-room or the opera,
-he would prefer the music of the pipes on the field of battle. "Well
-spoken, McDougal," said Colonel MacC.; "you could not have made a better
-distinction."
-
-'Comparisons of the music of the pipes with that of the natives
-furnished abundance of fun and amusement during the evening, reference
-being constantly made to the ignorance of the English as to music,
-which, in the estimation of Hindoo critics, was profound, and was only
-relieved from being complete by the unexpected sounds they had heard
-that morning. At last the subject was allowed to drop, being reserved
-for other like fitting occasions, while it was recognised, _nemine
-contradicente_, to be "an argument for a week, laughter for a month, and
-a good jest for ever."
-
-'The provoking malice and wicked fun towards Scotchmen, of comparing the
-pipes with the music of the natives of India, cannot be apparent to
-those who have never been in that country. Therefore the following
-attempt to convey a faint idea of the peculiar attractions of Hindoo
-music has been inscribed--first with the view of enlightening minds (or
-ears) uninstructed by experience; secondly with the view of giving point
-to the preceding remarks. The instruments on which native performers
-display their powers and skill are gongs and tom-toms, horns of
-different kinds, and sometimes a kind of hurdy-gurdy. I do not call to
-mind any others. By means of the gongs and tom-toms they mark time, and
-this is really the only approach (European ears being judges) to what we
-understand by the word "music"; but even this is so outraged by the
-stunning crashing noise made by these detestable contrivances, that the
-effect which would otherwise be produced by the regular recurrence of
-sounds at stated intervals is lost; while the horns and the trumpets, if
-such a name is allowable, and the squeaking, shrieking, wailing,
-grunting sounds produced by the instruments referred to, make up a _tout
-ensemble_ that must be heard to be imagined. Every performer plays his
-own tune, or rather produces a series of sounds one only more diabolical
-than another--if such assaults on the sense of hearing can be called a
-tune--on his own instrument, and every man performs in his own key. The
-result is the most hideous and frightful discord that can be produced.
-If the gongs and tom-toms are in the ascendant, the noise is deafening.
-If the small pipes and horns predominate, the conversation of cats in
-the gutter, or the howling of jackals, roving about at night, or the
-screaming of women and children, or all three mingled together, are
-simulated. A child, once very dear to me, described the effect produced
-on his ears by the performance of a number of native musicians in these
-words: "Oh, there's the crying band again!"
-
-'Not long after the Highlanders had passed through Bangalore, a young
-Scot, not a Highlander, was ordered to do duty with the 13th Dragoons,
-during the leave of absence granted to Dr. Clark, the regimental
-assistant-surgeon; two months later on his term of absence was drawing
-to a close, and consequently Dr. T., the temporary substitute, would, on
-its termination, be sent to do duty with an infantry corps, and lose the
-climate of Bangalore and one hundred rupees a month. All of these
-unpleasant consequences the said Dr. T. was naturally anxious to avert,
-or, at the worst, to postpone. He had, with this in view, some time back
-written to his friends at Madras to look about them and get him a strong
-letter to Colonel MacC.; they accordingly did so, and procured a _strong
-letter_ from some Highland gentleman who either knew or boasted a
-fifty-ninth cousinship with Colonel MacC. The strong letter was
-presented the morning after its receipt with the required number of
-bows, and with the reverence supposed to be needful. All which I grieve
-to say were utterly thrown away on Colonel MacC.; he took the letter,
-and looked at the bowing youth who brought it, booted and spurred and
-buttoned up to the throat, with a scarcely concealed smile, pointed to a
-chair, and read his friend's communication. When he had concluded it, he
-refolded it, put it carefully on the table, and then, turning to Dr. T.,
-said, "I fear Anstruther has put himself and you to trouble for nothing.
-In the first place, I never ask favours of anyone; and secondly, if I
-did, and you were my own son, I could not ask anything in the quarter
-you point at." Poor David T. was not a little taken aback at this
-rebuff, as the longitude of his countenance plainly announced; he got
-up, hoped he had not intruded, and begged to be excused if he had done
-so, made another of his best bows, and was about to beat a retreat, when
-Colonel MacC., whose somewhat sarcastic expression of countenance did
-not reach beyond the surface, said, "Sit down, Mr. T., I've something to
-say to ye. I can't serve you in the way that Anstruther asks, but maybe
-I can put you in the way of serving yourself." T.'s ears became doubly
-attentive. Colonel MacC. continued, "You have, of course, called on
-Colonel B.?" "Yes, Colonel, but he was out." "Oh, you found him out!
-Well, you took a shorter time to do it than I did; but never mind that:
-did you leave a card for the lady?" "No, Colonel, I did not." "And pray,
-sir, why did you not? Don't you know it's your duty to pay your respects
-to your commanding officer!" "But so I did, Colonel." "But I tell ye, so
-you did not! There, now be off, and try to make out the riddle, which I
-can plainly see you don't yet comprehend. Try and translate it into
-practice. You'll find the advice good if you know how to use it."
-
-'A great deal more was said, which I do not feel called upon to repeat.
-Poor David T. departed in a charming state of conglomeration, and he
-confessed to my brother, to whom, under the seal of profound secrecy, he
-reported the whole conversation, that when he left the Colonel's house
-he scarcely knew whether he was standing on his head or his heels. My
-brother, after indulging in a hearty laugh, asked him if he had yet paid
-one visit recommended to him. "No," said David, "I'll take care how I do
-that!" "But, then," returned my brother, "you won't be able to see
-Colonel MacC. again." "No," replied David, "I'll take care how I do
-that, too!"
-
-'David T. was in many respects a very good fellow, but he took
-everything literally, and actually had, I believe, a sort of horror at a
-joke, particularly if he did not understand it, which was commonly the
-case. He was not a fire-eating Irishman, or he would have rivalled Sir
-Brallaghan O'Callaghan in the play, who says, "And if you shall say
-anything that I will not understand," etc. David, however, did not
-resort to the _ultima ratio_ when he did not understand; he waited to
-have the joke explained. He had, perhaps, never heard that wit explained
-is no longer wit; but, whether he had or not, neither the wit nor the
-explanation ever seemed to disorder his equanimity. The only witty story
-I ever heard him tell, was one of Professor B., who was one of David's
-masters when attending the classes at Edinburgh. This gentleman was in
-the habit of enlivening his lectures by asking questions of his pupils.
-He had, on the occasion under reference, been using some mechanical
-illustrations to show that if the spring of a machine be wound up too
-tight, the whole apparatus will go too fast, unless a counterbalancing
-force be brought into play. Thus if the weights are not sufficient, the
-clock goes too fast; and on the other hand, if the weights are too
-great, the clock stops, or goes too slow. In the more perfect
-arrangements, a pendulum supersedes the weights, and can be lengthened
-or shortened to produce like effects. "Similar laws," said the
-Professor, "obtain in morals and in physics. If a youth is going too
-fast you put him under restrictions--in other words, you put more weight
-on him, and _vice versâ_. Now," turning round to one of the students, he
-said, "if you found a youth who was under your charge, a younger
-brother, for instance, not going quick enough, in fact--going decidedly
-too slow, what would you do?" "I wad shorten his pend'lum, sir," replied
-the unlucky wight. Here roars of laughter put an end to the sentence and
-the lecture; as this little anecdote puts an end to our further
-knowledge of David, who was a steady and solid practitioner of medicine,
-painstaking and zealous in his duty, a good husband, a good father, and
-a good Presbyterian. He died of cholera, poor fellow! at Trichinopoly,
-lamented by all who knew him, except the snipes, who certainly must have
-rejoiced when they heard of his death, since when alive he was never
-known to miss one of them.
-
-'Most men who possess adventitious advantages, such as rank, wealth,
-position, and power, indulge in certain peculiarities of manner, speech,
-or habit; and the reason is not far to seek. They are so independent
-that they consult only their own fancies. Colonel MacC. was no exception
-to the rule just noticed; he had some peculiarities of manner as well as
-speech, and, of course, these were well known to the men of the
-regiment. Peculiarities of manner no doubt they caricatured amongst
-themselves, but could not show that they did so. With peculiarities of
-speech it was different, and the men hit on a method of amusing
-themselves with them that was certainly ingenious.
-
-'Colonel MacC., it has been already said, was a capital horseman, and
-when out with the regiment always liked to see every manoeuvre
-executed in the most rapid manner. Whenever the men were not quick
-enough to satisfy his judgment, he used to indulge in this form of
-reprehension: "Move, you beggars, move!" By degrees it became familiar
-to the men, and then they commented on it by purchasing a parrot, which,
-being a young and teachable bird, was not long in learning and mastering
-his lesson, "Move, you beggars, move!" The bird soon became proud of his
-proficiency, and wanted little or no coaxing to make him display it. At
-any time it was sufficient to say: "Good-morning, pretty Polly! what
-does the Colonel say?" to bring out, "Move, you beggars, move!" to the
-great delight of the men, women, and children of the regiment; but every
-amusement or enjoyment has its drawbacks. On one particular occasion,
-when Colonel B. was on leave and Colonel MacC. in command, an inspection
-of barracks, hospital, etc., was ordered. Accordingly Colonel MacC.,
-with all the officers present with the regiment, repaired to the
-barracks. While engaged in this duty everyone's ears were startled by
-the ill-timed sounds, "Move, you beggars, move!" No one took any notice,
-but glances were exchanged all round. By-and-by "Move, you beggars,
-move!" was repeated more emphatically than before; this was too much for
-the Colonel, who called out, "Who is that? who has the audacity to
-interrupt the duty in this manner?" No one answered. "Sergeant-major,"
-called out the Colonel, "who is that? I insist upon knowing! Tell me at
-once who it is that is guilty of this insolence? Whoever it is, put him
-under arrest immediately! What are you standing there for, like a fool?
-Did you not hear me say put the fellow under arrest?" "Yes, sir," said
-the Sergeant, "but I don't think it's any of the men." "Don't think it's
-any of the men; what do you mean? Is it one of the women or children
-that dares to act in this way?" "No, sir, it's none of the women or
-children." "Who is it, then? Take care, Hopkins, solitary confinement
-and reduction to the ranks will be unpleasant things for you to face
-after so many years' service; but it seems to me that you are going the
-right way to get them. Once more I say, who is it?" "I think it's the
-parrot, sir." "The parrot! What parrot? Whose parrot? Why don't you
-answer? Who owns the parrot?" "I think, sir, the bird belongs to the
-regiment." By this time Colonel MacC. had recovered his good-humour. "So
-it belongs to the regiment, does it? Well, take it away, and don't let
-it interrupt us again." Colonel MacC.'s good-humour on this occasion
-endeared him to the men so much that there was nothing they would not do
-to please him; and though they kept the bird, they took the greatest
-care to keep him away or silent whenever the Colonel visited the
-barracks.'
-
-
-
-
-No. V.
-
-THE PASSAGE-OF-ARMS BETWEEN COLONEL L. AND MRS. G.
-
-
-During the year which passed before the Koorg War, and while Colonel L.
-was in command of the cantonment of Bangalore, a somewhat singular
-passage-of-arms took place between him and an old lady, Mrs. G., who was
-the widow of General G., who had, some six months before, died at
-Nagpore. This lady, having in earlier days dwelt at Bangalore, lost no
-time in quitting the dry, burning heat of the former locality for the
-delightful climate of the latter station. She had, through friends,
-secured a commodious bungalow, situated not far from the house
-afterwards occupied by the Commissioner for Mysore, and she had
-furnished her little house very nicely, and, in a word, made herself
-very comfortable. Having no family with her, her two sons being grown-up
-and both bearing commissions in the Company's Service, her means were
-ample for all her requirements, including her palankeen, carriage, and
-horses. Besides her pension she had her husband's savings, amounting to
-8,000 Rs. or more.
-
-She had inhabited the bungalow in question about three months, when she
-was surprised by a visit from the cantonment Staff-Officer, who came to
-announce to her that, by the new arrangement decided on by the General
-and officers commanding the cantonment, she would be obliged, on or
-before the 15th of the next month, to vacate her bungalow, as it, with
-several others, had been appropriated to the new staff-lines, and that
-he had come by order of the officer commanding the cantonment to give
-her due notice.
-
-Mrs. G. replied that she was indebted to the officer commanding the
-cantonment for his politeness, but was sorry that Captain W. (the
-cantonment Staff-Officer) should have been put to trouble on her
-account. In a word, the politeness on both sides was perfect; everything
-was so sweet and agreeable that milk and honey could not exceed it.
-
-The Staff-Officer--who was to the backbone of the unmitigated Pomposo
-breed, and who was generally known in the cantonment by the sobriquet of
-'Immortal Jack,' being quite a young man at forty, dressing as such,
-although, to hide his premature baldness, he was obliged to wear a
-wig--retired quite delighted with his visit. He had sported his new
-staff uniform before the cantonment, and he had, as he thought, settled
-everything with Mrs. G., and so he reported to Colonel L.
-
-Shortly after his departure, the lady sent for the houseman, who came at
-her call, making numerous profound salaams as he entered the house.
-
-'Well, Veneaty,' said the lady, 'are you still desirous of selling your
-house? You told me when I first came here and took the remainder of
-Captain Turner's lease, if I recollect rightly, that you were willing to
-sell for 4,000 Rs. Is not that so?'
-
-Now, Veneata-sawny, who was as cunning as a fox, having heard something
-of the projected staff-lines, answered with all the apparent simplicity
-of a child and all the practised skill of a lawyer: 'Missis please I
-sell. Missis like to buy, I like very much to sell.'
-
-'Very good, Veneaty. You know my lease has only four years to run, and
-as I wish to make the house my own, I will speak to Mr. Cardoza, my
-lawyer, to draw up the necessary papers, and you can bring a vakeel, on
-your part, to see that all is right and just; and as soon as the papers
-are signed I will pay the money.'
-
-'Missis very good lady. I do as missis tell. To-morrow I come--I and
-vakeel. Missis say what time.'
-
-'Oh, you may come about ten o'clock; my breakfast will be finished
-before nine.' So Veneaty departed, after the usual salaams. Mrs. G. at
-once wrote to Mr. Cardoza, and on the morrow, a little before ten a.m.,
-he repaired to his client's bungalow, and there found Veneata-sawny with
-his vakeel. A conversation something to this effect then took place.
-
-The first question put to Veneaty by Mr. C. was: 'Have you obtained the
-General's permission to sell your bungalow, which is situate within the
-lines of the cantonment?'
-
-'I had permission when I gave lease to Captain Turner five years before.
-Missis now got that lease.'
-
-'That will not stand good now, I fear, as they are going to make new
-rules for the cantonment,' observed Mr. C.
-
-'But, sar,' said the vakeel, 'Missis like to buy. Missis can sell again
-to Government.'
-
-Now, this honest gentleman had ascertained that the utmost that could be
-got from the cantonment authorities, if they purchased, would be 2,000
-Rs. He and his wily friend Veneaty were therefore strongly disposed to
-sell. Mrs. G. escaped the snare Veneaty had set for her through the
-caution of Mr. C, who ascertained the facts of the case at Captain W.'s
-office.
-
-But though Mrs. G. did not buy, she held the lease of the house, and
-continued to inhabit it and to pay the rent as usual. On the 2nd or 3rd
-of the ensuing month, Veneaty again presented himself at Mrs. G.'s door
-with the usual salaams.
-
-'Good-morning, Veneaty,' said Mrs. G.; 'come for your rent, I suppose.'
-
-'Missis please to give, I take.'
-
-'Here it is; count it,' said the lady, 'and see that it is right.'
-
-'What for I count? Missis never make mistake.'
-
-'But you must count to satisfy me.'
-
-Veneaty had done this with his eye the moment he saw the rupees on the
-table, but he said: 'Missis give order, I count.' And count he did, as
-slowly and deliberately as a child.
-
-'Well,' said the lady, 'is it right?'
-
-'All right,' said Veneaty. 'Missis please take receipt.' Mrs. G. did so,
-and locked it up in her desk.
-
-She then expected that the houseman would take his departure, but he
-continued standing at the table without offering to go. Then the lady
-said: 'What is it now, Veneaty? I see you have something more to say.
-What is it?'
-
-'I no like to tell Missis; I too much fraiding.'
-
-'But what are you afraid of?' said Mrs. G.
-
-'Missis too much angry if I tell,' returned Veneaty.
-
-'And if I am angry,' said Mrs. G. 'for I suspect what it is you wish to
-say, I shall not be angry with you.'
-
-'Then I tell; but I too much sorry, not my fault.'
-
-'What you want to say is,' said Mrs. G., 'that you want me to leave the
-house; is it not?'
-
-'Missis never tell that word. I no want, but Mister Captain he too much
-want, therefore I tell; he tell too much; punish me you no leave the
-bungalow. What I do, I too much sorry.'
-
-'Do not be afraid, Veneaty; he cannot punish you.'
-
-'Missis how can tell. He tell Burra General Saib give order, and
-cantonment General Saib give order what I do.'
-
-'You tell the Staff-Officer that you have asked me to leave the house;
-that will set you right.'
-
-'But Mister Captain too much bobbery man; every man too much fraiding
-him.'
-
-'Never mind what people say; you tell Captain W. that you have requested
-me to go out, and that I won't go.'
-
-'No, Missis, I never tell that word. Mister Captain too much angry.'
-
-'Very well,' said the lady, 'I will tell him myself; and I will also
-tell him that you have asked me to go out.'
-
-'Missis too much good Missis, but I too much fraiding.'
-
-'Well, Veneaty, never fear for me. I will take care of myself.'
-
-Then Veneaty, with even greater reverence than usual, departed, thinking
-that Mrs. G. was a too-much brave woman.
-
-Nothing fresh occurred till a day or two before the 15th, when Captain
-W. again made his appearance. Mrs. G. had in the meantime done nothing;
-everything was in its place, even to the vase of flowers. After the
-ordinary salutations, the Captain said: 'I fear you are driving things
-to the last moment, Mrs. G.; you have only to the 15th, by which time we
-must have the bungalow. I really fear you are putting yourself to
-unnecessary inconvenience.'
-
-'Thank you very much,' returned Mrs. G.; 'I have not been put to any
-inconvenience.'
-
-'But I fear you will be, if you don't make preparations in time.'
-
-'Oh, never fear,' said the lady; 'I shall make preparations in
-time--that you may depend on.'
-
-'Then I will take my leave with many thanks,' said Captain W.; 'you have
-relieved my mind very much.'
-
-'You are very polite,'returned Mrs. G., 'but you have nothing to thank
-me for.'
-
-'Oh, but indeed I have a good deal,' replied the Captain.
-
-'Well, I am glad you think so,' said Mrs. G.; 'good-morning.'
-
-'Good-morning,' said the gallant Captain, as he lifted his staff cap
-very gently for fear of displacing his wig, and galloped off.
-
-On the morning of the 15th the same gallant officer appeared again,
-attended by a serjeant and several other people. He came to take
-possession of the bungalow, but this he found more difficult than he had
-anticipated. All the doors and windows were locked and fastened up
-except one window in the only upper room of the house, which was open,
-and at which Mrs. G. appeared.
-
-'Really,' said Captain W., raising his cap, 'this is too bad, Mrs. G.
-You must pardon me for saying so, but it is too bad, after all the
-warnings you have had, and after the promises you have made.'
-
-'I never made you any promise whatever,' said Mrs. G. 'You chose to put
-on my words a construction that suited your own ideas, and I tried to
-set you right; but you would not let me. I told you you had nothing to
-thank me for, but you persisted in doing so, somewhat to my amusement.
-Besides, I sent you word distinctly that I did not feel inclined to
-leave my house. Veneaty told me he had given you my message, but perhaps
-he did not speak the truth.'
-
-'He did deliver your message, Mrs. G.,' said the Captain, 'but neither
-the General, nor the Colonel, nor myself thought for a moment that you
-really meant to act on it.'
-
-'Well, sir,' said Mrs. G., 'you find your mistake; it is a pity that
-three such great men should fall into the same error, but by your own
-account so it is.'
-
-'Well, ma'am, I am sorry you put me into such a painful position, that
-I feel I have no alternative. I must report your disregard of authority,
-and whatever happens, you must remember you brought it upon yourself.'
-
-'Thank you, sir, for your advice; but, really, unless the Colonel and
-yourself resolve to burn my house over my head and me in it, I don't see
-what is likely to happen. I am a British subject, sir, although an
-unprotected woman. You threaten to break open my doors, and to expose my
-property outside the house, to be spoiled by sun and rain and
-night-dews; try it, sir, and lay yourself and your gallant chief open to
-a civil action in the Supreme Court. There the judges, thank Heaven!
-care not two pins for your cantonment law. You cannot bring me, being a
-woman, to a court-martial for disobedience to orders; and I am advised,
-by those who do know something of law, that as I came here before your
-new rules were made, and besides hold a lease granted under cantonment
-law five years ago, you cannot legally turn me out. Go home, sir, and
-think of some cunning way by which, as gentlemen, and men of honour, you
-can show courtesy and respect to an unprotected lady, the widow of a
-brother officer; turn over in your generous minds how by violence and
-intimidation you can effect that which you cannot effect by law.'
-
-Here Captain Pomposo, all but frantic, called out: 'Mrs. G.--Mrs. G.,
-pray consider what you say, pray have----' But Mrs. G. refused to
-consider anything, or to hear anything; she shut down the window and
-pulled down the blinds. The 'immortal' had nothing for it but to ride to
-Colonel L.'s house and report the success of his undertaking.
-
-When Colonel L. heard the result of Captain W.'s attempt to take
-possession of the bungalow, he was utterly confounded--I might say
-almost horror-struck. Resistance to military authority in a military
-cantonment had never, even in his dreams, assumed a tangible shape, or
-appeared even as a distant or possible contingency; and now he had to
-face it as a positive, undeniable reality. Actually in a cold
-perspiration he said, after pausing a minute or two: 'But what are we to
-do? I never met with such a case before, and never heard of such a case;
-the thing is so preposterous and unnatural, as well as unprecedented,
-that I am really at a loss. If it was a man I had to do with I should
-know what to do; but really, independent of the scandal and absurdity of
-the thing, to engage in a contest with an old woman, and to run the
-chance of getting the worst of it, places me in a position I never for a
-moment contemplated. I am fairly perplexed, and truly would rather again
-face "la Vieille Garde" with Ney at their head than face this dreadful
-Mrs. G. Great pity women were ever admitted into cantonments; they
-always give trouble and always cause trouble.'
-
-'They did so in the first cantonment ever marked out, so we are told,'
-observed Captain W. To this the Colonel made no reply, not relishing
-even an approach to a joke on so serious and distressing a subject.
-After a silence of some minutes, during which the Colonel endeavoured to
-overcome his indignation, though with but partial success, he said:
-'Send for the houseman.'
-
-'When shall I tell him to be here?' said Captain W.
-
-'Send an orderly to fetch him here at once,' replied the Colonel.
-
-An orderly was accordingly despatched for Veneaty, who in due season
-arrived, puffing and panting in consequence of the rapid mode of
-progression insisted on by his military companion. When brought into the
-presence of the Colonel his nerves seemed to be greatly discomposed, nor
-did the Colonel's manner and mode of address tend much to reassure him.
-The first question put to him was:
-
-'Are you the owner of the house now occupied by Mrs. G.?'
-
-'Yes, I am, General Saib.'
-
-'Does she pay her rent regularly?'
-
-'Yes, General Saib.'
-
-'Does she hold a lease of that house?'
-
-'She has taken Captain Turner's lease, General Saib.'
-
-'When did she obtain that lease?'
-
-'Four months ago, General Saib.'
-
-'Four months? Are you sure?'
-
-'Yes, General Saib.'
-
-'It was not after the new rules were ordered, was it?'
-
-'No, General Saib; it was more than three months before they were
-ordered.'
-
-'Well, you see, W.,' said the Colonel, 'we shall gain nothing by
-parchment; we must try something else.'
-
-'Veneaty, when you want a tenant to go out, what do you do?'
-
-'If he no pay his rent, I get order to seize his property, then he pay
-or he go out.'
-
-'But suppose he does pay his rent, and still you want him to go out,
-what do you do then?'
-
-'I give written warning to go out.'
-
-'Then can't you do that with Mrs. G.?'
-
-'How can do that, General Saib? Mem Saib got lease.'
-
-'Oh, I forgot that,' said the Colonel. 'What the devil am I to do?'
-
-'General Saib not know, how can I tell?' returned Veneaty.
-
-After a silence of some minutes, Captain W. said: 'In a case of like
-nature, or something like, that occurred at Bombay, they unroofed the
-house, and so got the tenant out. Won't you do that?'
-
-'General Saib give order, I do; but Mem Saib, if she make complaint to
-High Court at Madras, what I do?'
-
-'Well, Veneaty, you may go now; when I want you again I will send for
-you.' Then, turning to Captain W., he said: 'Before we act I must write
-to headquarters, and get instructions from Government. I must ask them
-to take the opinion of the law officers on this case, then perhaps we
-shall know what we are about.' So Veneaty departed, making profound
-salaams as he went out, rejoicing that he had not been required to take
-active measures against his tenant.
-
-Three months elapsed before the Colonel received an answer to his letter
-of inquiry, and then the answer was not exactly what he wanted; but it
-gave permission to the local military authorities to direct the
-unroofing of the house if the occupant continued refractory after
-another warning, the Government being prepared to meet damages should
-any be awarded by the Supreme Court.
-
-During the suspension of hostilities, Captain W.'s position was not in
-all respects a pleasant one; he was exposed to constant inquiries as to
-when active operations would recommence, how the fortress was to be
-stormed, and whether he was prepared to lead the forlorn hope. In fact,
-to the lookers on the whole thing was regarded as great fun. Nothing
-amused them more than to make inquiries on this subject, and few things
-annoyed the gallant staff officer more than to be questioned respecting
-it. His friends, good-naturedly, seldom lost an opportunity of doing so.
-On these occasions his usual reply was, that references had been made to
-headquarters, but that the law was uncertain. 'O-ho! is that it?' said
-one of these good-natured friends; 'then at least for the present you
-have yielded the field to the enemy? What a jolly old girl, that Mrs.
-G.! Upon my life she's a Boadicea, a Thalestris, a perfect Queen of the
-Amazons! To beat a general officer, a brigadier, and a staff-officer
-single-handed is really an extraordinary feat of arms.'
-
-Captain W., who could not suppress his vexation, observed: 'You are
-talking a great deal of nonsense, Gunthorpe; the war is not ended yet.
-You had better wait till it is before you indulge in such idle gibes.'
-
-'I fear,' returned Gunthorpe, 'if the war goes on as it has begun I
-shall have to wait a long time. But don't be crusty; I must have my
-laugh, and can't afford to put it off for the indefinite time you point
-to.' W. was vexed and sulky, but Gunthorpe would have his laugh, so the
-'immortal' Don Pomposa rode off without making any reply.
-
-At another chance meeting on the parade ground, the conversation again
-turned on the slow progress the besiegers were making, and the
-resolution displayed by the garrison.
-
-'How long is it since the siege commenced?' said one. 'It can't be much
-less than six months,' said another. 'But it isn't a siege now, is it,
-W.?' said his quondam friend Gunthorpe. 'I should rather term it a
-blockade.' 'Oh, call it what you like,' returned W., 'that will make
-very little difference.' 'Certainly not, certainly not,' said G.; 'a
-rose will smell as sweet by any other name, you know. At all events,
-whenever you do obtain possession of the place so gallantly defended,
-you'll have to allow the garrison all the honours of war, that's
-certain. But do you know what I heard this morning?' 'How should I
-know?' returned W. 'Well, I suspect it will astonish you not a little.
-Mrs. G., it is credibly reported, to show her total indifference to all
-your proceedings, has determined to open a shop, and has already made
-arrangements for fitting it up.' 'Open a shop! Nonsense!' said W. 'True,
-I assure you,' returned his friend. 'But what kind of goods is she going
-to deal in?' 'Oh, everything included under the head of _stationery_.'
-'Confound you, G.! I thought some rubbish of that sort was coming.' The
-laughter of others showed that they relished G.'s small attempt. Then
-the party separated, all in high spirits and good-humour, except the
-'immortal' Pomposa, who rode away swelling and ruffling his plumes, and
-vowing this, that, and the other. He thought of making an application
-for two months' leave of absence, but he remembered that if he got it he
-would have to forfeit half his allowances, therefore he agreed with
-himself that discretion would be the better part of valour.
-Nevertheless, he could not suppress a few kind wishes in favour of his
-friends, which, as they did not hear them, did them no serious harm.
-
-Things went on much in the old way, until the arrival of the
-instructions from headquarters. Then active operations recommenced.
-Official notice was again sent to Mrs. G. that if she did not vacate her
-bungalow by a certain date, which was duly specified, orders would be
-issued to unroof it. Still the indomitable heroine took no steps to find
-another house, nor did she take any notice of the official warning.
-
-When the period of grace was about to expire, Captain W., by the desire
-of the Colonel, wrote Mrs. G. a polite note, telling her that the
-workmen and coolies would be at her house on such a day unless she
-removed in time, but that both he and the Colonel hoped that Mrs. G.'s
-sense of propriety would save them the pain of enforcing a measure so
-repugnant to their feelings.
-
-Mrs. G. replied to Captain W.'s note, with thanks for the intimation it
-conveyed, adding that as the roof was in want of some slight repairs,
-and that as she knew, when it was repaired, all the broken or injured
-tiles must be replaced by new and sound ones, the order was tantamount
-to one for repairing her roof, which she begged to acknowledge as it
-deserved. As a lady, she could not raise her cap to the Colonel. It was,
-however, scarcely necessary, as he had raised her tile for her. This ran
-round the cantonment, while the laugh was all on the lady's side, and
-her pluck was universally admired.
-
-By and by the day of fate arrived, so did the workmen and the coolies,
-with ladders and all other needful means and appliances. Mrs. G.,
-wearing a large pith hat, and farther defended by a large silk umbrella,
-having a long support that rested on the ground, came out, and pointed
-out to the men where they should commence their work. Veneaty was there,
-making pathetic appeals to everyone, as well as to his own throat, and
-uttering unceasing apologies. 'He too sorry. He not do. But too much
-fraiding,' etc., etc. Numerous officers, some friends of Mrs. G., some
-strangers, but all more or less sympathetic and complimentary as to her
-courage and resolution, were assembled in and around her compound. There
-was much talking and shaking of hands. By and by jocose remarks and
-peals of laughter were mingled with the babel of various tongues and
-voices, and the whole thing seemed to be regarded by the majority as an
-excellent joke, Mrs. G. appearing to be in high spirits, as she talked
-to everyone, giving all to understand that her lawyer had positively
-stated that she was bound to make money by the proceeding, which she
-expressed her fixed intention to do, if only to read her special friends
-a lesson.
-
-All this time, Captain W. did not appear. Whether his conscience twitted
-him, or whether he feared the wit of his friends, is best known to
-himself. Some assigned the one, some the other, reason for his
-non-appearance, and some said that both combined to keep him away.
-
-The next morning, soon after gun-fire, Captain W. rode past Mrs. G.'s
-compound to ascertain if the orders had been duly executed. The lady
-was up and out, attending to her garden. As soon as she saw the gallant
-Captain she said: 'Good-morning, Captain W., won't you come in and have
-a cup of coffee?'
-
-'No, I thank you,' replied the Captain, 'I'm on duty. I have to go to
-the artillery lines.'
-
-'Oh, do come in,' replied the lady. 'I want to ask you why you were not
-on duty yesterday.' Captain W. coloured up, mumbled something, and was
-about to ride on his way, when his old tormentor, Gunthorpe, came up.
-After saluting the lady, he said to W.: 'Going to the artillery lines,
-are you? So am I. We'll ride there together.' So, raising their caps to
-the lady, they were about to start, when G. said: 'But isn't this a
-_moving spectacle_?' pointing to the tiles piled up on the ground.
-'Whatever it is,' said W., again getting red in the face, 'it's no fault
-of mine.'
-
-'I say,' said Mrs. G., 'it's nothing of the kind. I'm not thinking of
-moving--don't imagine any such thing--yet, after all, in another sense,
-it may be termed "a moving spectacle," inasmuch as it is most likely to
-move a good many rupees into my pocket. So you see, Captain Gunthorpe,
-that I have very good reason to be obliged to the Colonel and your
-friend Captain W.'
-
-The lady and Captain G. were both convulsed with laughter; the latter,
-after a second bow, rode off with the Staff-Captain, who observed to G.,
-'You and the lady seem to understand the joke; I confess I can't see
-it.'
-
-'Can't you? how odd!' said G., again bursting into a fit of laughter.
-Captain W. was sulky and silent, and little was said during their ride.
-When they reached the artillery lines, G. asked his silent friend to
-breakfast with him at the mess; but W. declined, stating he had yet to
-visit the canteen. So the gentlemen parted, and G. regaled his friends
-at mess with what he had seen and heard that morning.
-
-Not to protract the story longer than needful, it is enough to say that
-the lady held out three months longer, during two changes in the state
-of her roof, which was first open on the north side and then on the
-south. She raised internal entrenchments of bamboo mats and cajans,
-which last she had to send some distance for. By these means, and the
-moving of her bed from this to that side as she found convenient, she
-defended herself against wind and rain and cold and sun most
-effectually; and though, as she observed, the polite attentions of her
-friends enabled her to converse with the stars more freely than she had
-been accustomed to do, she made no sign of capitulating; no white flag
-was seen on her battlements. She seemed, indeed, more active than ever.
-She drove out morning and evening, and whenever she met the Colonel or
-the Staff-Officer she saluted in the most obliging manner.
-
-How long the siege might have endured it is impossible to say, had not
-the Koorg War unexpectedly put an end to it. Colonel L. was placed in
-command of the column that was to penetrate the Koorg country by Stony
-River, and therefore was shortly obliged to surrender to Colonel Burton
-his staff appointment as the commandant of the cantonment. Before he did
-so, however, Mrs. G. was seen at the band-stand, her coachman, her
-ghari-wallahs or grooms, and her horses, all decked out with large blue
-rosettes on their heads and turbans.
-
-'Dear me, what is all this finery for?' said Miss Brown. 'Oh, I know.
-Mrs. G. is rejoicing that Colonel L. is going to Koorg.'
-
-'Quite wrong,' said Mrs. G., who overheard her. 'It is on account of a
-matter of infinitely more importance to me. I have been awarded,
-independent of costs which will have to be paid as well, 5,000 Rs., as
-a compensation for the injuries I have sustained (so they put it). Now,
-isn't it good to get one's roof repaired for nothing, and then to get
-5,000 Rs as a present into the bargain--isn't it good? So good that I
-could not help celebrating my victory and good fortune by a little
-outward display, as you see.'
-
-By this time there was quite a crowd round Mrs. G.'s carriage, laughing,
-rejoicing, and complimenting her upon her success. 'But what will you
-do, Mrs. G.,' said Gunthorpe, 'if the new commandant takes up the
-cudgels, and continues the unroofing business?'
-
-'Oh,' returned Mrs. G., 'if he should be so very kind as to give me
-another opportunity of making another 5,000 Rs. I shall not object, I
-shall renew my conversation with the stars with unfeigned pleasure.'
-After this flourish of trumpets, and cheers from the ladies and
-uproarious laughter from the gentlemen, the old lady departed to take
-her accustomed drive round the racecourse.
-
-It is almost needless to say that Colonel Burton declined to continue
-the war; and thus terminated this famous 'passage of arms,' second only
-in interest to that of Ashby de la Zouch, recorded in 'Ivanhoe,' Mrs. G.
-having literally had her roof repaired for her for nothing, and having
-had a present of 5,000 Rs. on account of the proceeding.
-
-It is said that the heroine, after her signal success, dropped her old
-coat-of-arms, substituting for her former crest a hen standing over two
-prostrate dunghill cocks, and for the three mullets on the face of the
-shield, several men thatching the roof of a house; finally, for
-supporters, she had a brigadier and a staff-officer. In place of her old
-motto, she had, 'I strive and thrive.'
-
-On being asked why, being only Mrs. General G., she assumed supporters,
-she replied, 'My husband's family are lineally descended from the King
-of Munster, so you perceive I am entitled to have supporters.' 'Well,'
-replied the inquirer, 'you certainly found numerous and able supporters,
-whether descended from the King of Munster or not.' 'Oh, fie!' said Mrs.
-G., 'to try and throw a doubt on the validity of my supporters. Fie!
-fie!'
-
-
-
-
-No. VI.
-
-MAJOR B.'S WELL-DESERVED DISCOMFITURE.
-
-
-The incidents about to be narrated happened during the campaign of 1834,
-undertaken against the Rajah of Koorg, whose atrocities could no longer
-be tolerated. The force ordered out for this purpose was divided into
-three columns: one under the command of General Waugh, a second under
-someone whose name we cannot call to mind, the third under that of Sir
-Patrick L., a thorough soldier, known afterwards as the hero of Koorg.
-The wives and other feminine belongings of the officers on duty with
-these three columns were left at Bangalore, from which station the
-several divisions started for the seat of war.
-
-The desolate and distressed condition of these poor ladies, during the
-absence of their husbands, gave rise to those occurrences which the
-author has here endeavoured to describe, and from which the reader, it
-is hoped, will derive some amusement.
-
-The solitary state of these fair sufferers naturally attracted the
-attention and commiseration of many of those gentlemen who were not
-employed on active service, and it was no less remarkable than beautiful
-to mark the constant devotion of some of them. It was indeed so
-remarkable that one of the ladies whose husband had not been ordered
-away, and who was at the time sitting by her side at the band-stand,
-observed, 'Who would not be a grass widow to get flowers and fruits from
-the Laul Baugh every morning, and such unfailing attention at all times?
-Surely the age of chivalry has returned.'
-
-'I think,' Captain D. said, 'it is a pity that, with the age of
-chivalry, the husbands of the grass widows have not returned also.'
-
-'That is a pity too, no doubt,' said the lively dame; 'but in the
-absence of the legitimate comforters and protectors, isn't it charming
-to see how anxious most of the gentlemen present seem to be to make the
-ladies feel this absence as little as possible?'
-
-'Christian charity, Charlotte; Christian charity,' said the gentleman.
-
-'Well,' replied the lady, 'I hope it is; but----'
-
-'But what?' said her husband, laughing.
-
-'Oh, nothing; only I hope they won't carry it too far. Some of them at
-least seem disposed to carry their charity (if that's the word, which I
-am by no means sure of) a long way.'
-
-'If they carry it farther than they ought to do, isn't that the fault of
-the ladies?' replied the marital speaker.
-
-'William, you always take the part of the men, and it is not fair,'
-returned the lady. 'Look how Major B. besieges Mrs. W.'
-
-'Well,' returned her husband, 'if he does she can force him to raise the
-siege whenever she pleases, can't she?'
-
-'I don't see it exactly in that light,' returned the lady; 'I think
-gentlemen should not endeavour to do all the mischief they can, and then
-shelter themselves under the plea that ladies can, and ought, always to
-take care of themselves.'
-
-'There is a great deal to be said, Charlotte, on both sides; but tell me
-why ladies who have no fortunes to make, and whose election for weal or
-woe has been made years ago, continue to dress and dance, etc., just as
-they used to do when they were unmarried? Explain, if you please, the
-cause of these little performances before you utterly condemn the poor
-flies that are attracted by such Circean artifices.'
-
-'Oh, William, I'm ashamed of you! You would go about to excuse the
-premeditated wickedness of men by trying to make out that the women are
-in fault in the first instance. I'm ashamed of you.'
-
-'Ah, ma chère,' replied her husband, still laughing, 'however ingenious
-an attack may be as a defence, you have, in your ardour to defend your
-sex, forgotten to explain the spring of the _petits soin de toilette_
-that I referred to.'
-
-'What nonsense you talk!' replied the lady. 'Are ladies utterly to
-neglect themselves, and to appear as slatterns and slovens, merely
-because their husbands are away?'
-
-'I see,' said her husband, 'that it matters nothing whether menkind have
-the right on their side or not; womenkind ever have the best of it with
-their tongues.'
-
-'It is nothing of the kind,' said the lady; 'we have the best of it
-because we're in the right and you are not.'
-
-'That's a pretty flourish, Charlotte, but it will hardly account for the
-impression made on the whole cantonment; and if my memory does not
-entirely mislead me, I think I can remember that but the day before
-yesterday a certain vivacious, voluble little friend of mine' ('I'll
-pinch you, William') 'said that the "deserted wives did not at least
-mourn in sackcloth and ashes." Didn't that little friend of mine say
-something to that effect?' said her husband, laughing so much that he
-could scarcely speak.
-
-'Oh, you're a horrid fellow, and can remember anything you please,
-whether it was ever spoken or not.'
-
-'Oh, Charly, Charly! you must be in a difficulty when you make such a
-dreadful charge as that, and, by innuendo, imply a doubt as to whether
-you ever spoke the words or not.'
-
-'You've become a dreadful talker, William, and run into the greatest
-extravagance when you've nothing to the point to say; but pray recall
-your faculties. Here comes young Johnson, who joined us but the other
-day.'
-
-After the usual salutations to the lady and gentleman, the young ensign
-said: 'Oh, Mrs. D., there's such fun going on, that I must tell you of
-it.'
-
-'Pray do,' said the lady.
-
-'Just sit where you are and keep your eyes open; in a few minutes you'll
-have Major B., in a handsome drag drawn by a pair of bays, with Mrs. W.
-by his side, drive by. Not to make the thing too particular, the old fox
-has got Mrs. Flower and my chum, Hopkins, in the back seat; but it would
-do your heart good to hear how strong the Major is coming it with the
-lady by his side. I must say he's a man of metal, for every time he has
-out that same drag and bays, it costs him 25 Rs.; old Brasher charges no
-less.'
-
-Here Captain D. burst out into an immoderate fit of laughter, in which
-his wife, as it seemed almost against her will, joined, though in a
-subdued manner.
-
-'Oh, don't laugh now,' said the youngster; 'wait till you see the party
-and the dashing turn-out. They say the Major was never known to do such
-a thing before.'
-
-By and by the drag and party appeared, greeted by bows and salutations
-from all sides. The Major, not at all discomposed by the fire of small
-jests in the shape of compliments, inquiries, and hopes that he would
-never put down such a pretty turn-out, drove round the band-stand twice,
-and then pulled up by the side of Captain D.'s carriage.
-
-'Upon my honour,' said Captain D., 'the regiment is very much indebted
-to you, Mrs. W., for having put the Major in the right way at last. No
-suggestions of ours were potent enough to induce him to sport a turn-out
-like that; it really does as much credit to the regiment as to himself.'
-
-'Oh, pray do not imagine that I had anything to do with it,' said Mrs.
-W. 'I knew nothing about it until the arrangement had been made. Had I
-known anything about it I would not have suffered Major B. to incur such
-expense on my account; indeed, I have so much to thank him for that I
-was really vexed when I saw what his generosity and kindness had led him
-to do unknown to me. I declined at first to drive out in it, but I saw
-that he would think it ungrateful and unkind if I persisted in refusing
-to avail myself of what he was good enough to say would be a pleasure to
-him; moreover, as I knew the expense had been incurred I no longer
-refused, and, as you see, here I am. Besides, since this morning's post
-another reason has urged me to show my sense of Major B.'s kindness and
-attention in every way that I could that was right and proper. I only
-stay one day longer at Bangalore; my husband informs me that Colonel L.
-has granted permission to all the ladies left here to rejoin their
-husbands as soon as they can make arrangements to do so. I have already
-written to the commissariat officer to post bearers for me, and shall
-start early the morning after to-morrow.'
-
-'Oh, Mrs. W., what terrible news this is for me!' exclaimed the Major.
-'I wondered this morning, when I called, what urgent business you had to
-prevent you from seeing me, but now I understand it all; you were
-packing up your trunks.'
-
-'Yes, Major, I was packing up. Surely you couldn't think I would lose
-any time, when what I have been waiting for so long has come at last,
-could you?'
-
-'I suppose not,' said the Major with a very downcast air. 'But, you see,
-I have been hoping you would stay here a good while longer, and the
-blow comes suddenly upon me. I knew you would go one time or other, but
-I never thought it would be so soon.'
-
-'And I never thought it would be so long,' said Mrs. W.
-
-'But you don't really mean to be off the morning after next? Surely you
-can't mean that,' muttered or half whispered the Major, in a most
-imploring tone of voice.
-
-'Oh, I can and do mean it most positively,' said Mrs. W., laughing in a
-most provoking way. 'I have ordered a set of bearers, and a masulchi,
-and shall be off by three o'clock--not five o'clock--in the morning.'
-
-'That's too cruel of you, Mrs. W.; and to remind me of that sweet song I
-used to delight in hearing you sing.'
-
-'Oh, I shall come back by-and-by, and then I'll sing it for you again,'
-replied Mrs. W., with a wicked smile that made all who saw and heard
-her, except the disconsolate Major, laugh outright.
-
-'Ah,' said he, 'if I ever do hear you sing it again, it won't be the
-same song it was before to me.'
-
-'And why not?' said the relentless Mrs. W., scarcely able to utter the
-words from suppressed laughter, which seemed also to have seized Mrs.
-D., Captain D., and the two younger fellows, Johnson and Hopkins. But
-the Major, indifferent to everything but his grief, only said: 'Well,
-Mrs. W., I will have a cavady cooly and the boxes filled with European
-articles got ready for your journey, and you must not deny me the
-melancholy pleasure of seeing you off, and saying farewell to you.'
-
-Mrs. W., after a little struggle to overcome the former tendency, said:
-'On no account would I hear of such a thing, Major. I'll wish you
-good-bye to-morrow evening, and as to the boxes, don't think of it. I
-have supplies of everything I can want on the road. Besides, I should
-have no means to carry them. I travel dawk.'
-
-'Oh, well,' said the Major, 'I'll see to all that; and don't suppose
-that I shall let you leave Bangalore without being up to see you off, at
-whatever hour it may be.'
-
-'Well, Major B., I can't prevent you from doing what you say you will
-do, but I certainly think you'd be much better in bed.'
-
-As the band began to play the National Anthem, the carriages began to
-move off, but the two young men stayed behind to talk over the scene
-they had just taken part in. They ordered their horsekeepers to take
-their bays home, and then leisurely walked on to the mess-room,
-indulging, as they sauntered along, in repeated bursts of laughter.
-Johnson, who first recovered himself, said, turning to his friend: 'Now,
-can you fancy that anyone could be so blind as our worthy, the Major?
-The old fogey, in his latter days, has become so amorous, so demented,
-about Mrs. W., that he can't help making love to her before everybody.'
-
-'That's plain enough, and patent to everyone who has got eyes and ears,'
-returned Hopkins. 'And to see how she treats him! Upon my soul, it's the
-finest fun I've had since I've been here,' remarked Johnson.
-
-'Why,' returned Hopkins, 'she laughs at him so openly that if he were
-not what he is, he must see it.'
-
-'But he don't,' said Johnson, 'that is the best of it--he don't, and
-goes on worshipping, and never minding, in a way that's unlike anything
-I ever saw before. I won't say "more majorum," for that would be a libel
-on all other majors.'
-
-'Well,' said Hopkins, 'that would require a free translation indeed to
-translate it into wit, for which I suppose it's meant. You ought to
-rejoice old Leatherum is not behind you: he would score up marks against
-you for which you would not be able to find a free translation, I
-suspect.'
-
-'You and old Leatherum be hanged!' said Johnson.
-
-'Thank you for nothing,' returned Hopkins. 'Hang "_odi profanum
-vulgus_" whenever you please, but as for me, I'm not inclined that way
-just now, so won't trouble you for any such delicate attention. Besides,
-I shouldn't exactly rejoice to see you turn Jack Ketch after bearing her
-Majesty's colours.'
-
-'It would scarcely be needful, I suspect, if I gave you rope enough,'
-returned Johnson.
-
-'You seem to be particularly attached to this line of illustration,
-Johnson, but as it is not altogether new, let's try something else.'
-
-'With all my heart,' returned Johnson, 'but what line shall we take up?'
-
-'I don't know that we need take up any,' replied Hopkins. 'Suppose we
-get up on the morning after next in time to witness the parting between
-the Major and Mrs. W.?'
-
-'Why, you don't think old "Amoroso" will really get up after what she
-said to him, do you?' said Johnson.
-
-'I have a notion he will,' returned Hopkins, 'and if he does I would not
-miss the play for a trifle; it will be truly affecting.'
-
-'Oh, it will be grand!' said Johnson, 'but I wish the lady had not been
-in such a mortal hurry to get back to her husband. Three o'clock is an
-uncommonly early hour.'
-
-'If we want to see what goes on,' observed Hopkins, 'we mustn't mind
-that. It is agreed that we turn out on the chance.'
-
-'Agreed,' said his chum. 'I'll tell Veeratawny to call us at half-past
-two; that fellow never makes a mistake. How he manages to wake whenever
-he is ordered to wake, I don't know; but he does it, that I know.'
-
-'He's an invaluable fellow,' said Hopkins, as he entered the mess
-compound.
-
-The usual revolution of the hours brought round three o'clock in the
-morning of the day named by Mrs. W. for her departure. Accordingly, her
-palankeen and twelve bearers were ready at her door, with two Cowry
-coolies and a masulchi. She was dressed, giving directions to her ayah,
-for whom a dooly had been procured, and who would reach the Bislay
-Ghaut, where the camp had been pitched, the day after her mistress. All
-the ladies who could afford to travel dawk agreed to go with Mrs. W.,
-and consequently there were in her compound not less than four
-palankeens, four sets of bearers, cavadees, and masulchies. The ayahs
-were running about under unusual excitement, and the ladies were making
-the final arrangements in their palankeens.
-
-Major B. now made his appearance, followed by a coolie bearing the box
-of European articles.
-
-'You see, Mrs. W., though you are in such a hurry to run away from your
-friends, they are actuated by very different feelings, for which you are
-so hard-hearted as not to show the slightest sympathy.'
-
-'Don't talk such nonsense, Major B., but like a kind, good friend go
-into the house and ask the ayah for my black bag. I've left it
-somewhere; I can't go without it.'
-
-'Certainly, certainly,' replied the Major; 'happy to be employed in
-_your_ service in any way.'
-
-'Now that I've got rid of that tiresome old man,' said Mrs. W., 'run,
-Anawah, and tell my bearers to bring my palankeen over to this side of
-the compound, so that Mrs. F.'s bearers and palankeen may stand nearest
-to the gate.'
-
-This arrangement having been effected, the torches were lighted, and the
-whole party was about to start, when the Major rushed out of the house,
-and ran up to the palankeen nearest to the gate, exclaiming, 'Dear Mrs.
-W., the black bag cannot be found anywhere. I am so sorry.' Then
-seizing the lady's hand, he pressed it to his lips. 'But, surely,' he
-said, still holding her hand, 'you won't be so obdurate after everything
-I've done to show how dearly I prize the smallest token of kindness from
-you, you won't, I'm sure you won't, deny me one farewell salute,' and at
-the same time he put his head into the palankeen to possess himself of
-the small token he had solicited. But before he could do so, the lady
-had saluted him with such a sounding box on the ear that he recoiled two
-or three paces, saying as she administered the sedative, 'Och, thin, you
-auld baste, get out of that!'
-
-Screams of laughter from the other side of the hedge informed the
-discomfited would-be Lothario that there had been witnesses of his
-ignominious defeat, and while he stood with one hand up to the side of
-his face, paralyzed with mortification and vexation, the palankeens
-moved off. Then he heard one of the observers say to the other: 'Wasn't
-it a sounder!'
-
-'That it was, and no mistake,' replied his companion. Then both broke
-into another fit of laughter. Who the two watchers were it is not
-necessary to say.
-
-When the calling hours came round they had a charming little narrative
-for their friends, which flew round the cantonment like wildfire, to the
-intense delight of the hearers as well as reporters.
-
-Lest the more sensitive, sympathizing half of the creation might imagine
-that, actuated by despair, the hero of this passing scene sought some
-tragic remedy to quiet his distracting sorrow, or like those youths that
-died for love,
-
-
-    'Wandering in the myrtle grove,
-    His gentle spirit sought the realms above,'
-
-
-as Mr. Pope tells us, it is satisfactory to be able to inform these
-sensitive souls that the Major did this literatim, for having evaded
-for three days any appearance at mess by reporting sick, he obtained
-three months' leave of absence to the Neilgherry Hills, said to be above
-6,000 feet above the level of the sea.
-
-When on the hills, the Major must be regarded as an exalted character,
-but let us breathe in the softest whisper that he was not. No, he was
-not a heroic specimen of manhood, that is the melancholy truth; and
-however distressing the fact may be to Paul de Koch (or his shade),
-instead of resorting for help to a bullet, or prussic acid, or a pan of
-charcoal, as all Paul's heroes and heroines did, he only fled to the
-hills from the looks and laughter of his companions.
-
-
-
-
-No. VII.
-
-THE RACE STAND AND THE FANCY BALL.
-
-
-The scene that now presents itself is that of the race stand at
-Bangalore. The ring, twenty yards distant, is just opposite, with the
-winning-post about four yards in front of it. All 'the beauty and
-fashion,' as the newspapers phrase it, are seated in the front rows of
-the stand, or are fast coming in. Old Tommy H., the General, is seated
-beside his beloved Anna, who is not merely General, but Generaless too.
-She is at least forty years younger than her husband, who cannot be less
-than seventy, while if she numbers thirty-two or three it is the utmost
-she can be rated at. She is a fine woman, with fine features, and
-withal, and in spite of the great disparity in years, a kind, loving,
-affectionate wife. It is no wonder, then, that the old man loves her--he
-says he cannot love her enough; and truly the poor old fellow tries to
-act up to that saying. At a review, a brigade field-day or sham fight,
-Mrs. H.'s military ardour sometimes carries her away. She is a splendid
-horsewoman, and is seen galloping about at full speed from point to
-point, the Adjutant-General of Division sailing after her in the vain
-endeavour to keep beside her, while the General is trying to maintain
-his seat and a very gentle canter at the same time. To restrain the
-instincts of an admirably trained charger whose native fire has been
-cooled and partly tamed by fifteen years' service, is sometimes
-effected, but at other times with so little success that a horsekeeper,
-running on either side of him, is obliged to hold down his legs, and
-thus keep him in the saddle. The General is, besides, fully engaged in
-soothing the ungovernable creature by patting him on the neck, and
-speaking to him in the most endearing way, and these manoeuvres seem to
-be perfectly well understood by the sagacious quadruped. The kind of
-conversation carried on between them was something after the following
-fashion: 'Wo ho, proud animal. Soh ho, my steed!--Neigh, neigh!--'Soh
-ho, soh ho! But why these bounds and curvets?'--Neigh, neigh!--'There,
-there! wo ho, noble beast,' the patting being all the time assiduously
-continued.
-
-These exhibitions of horsemanship naturally amused all who beheld them,
-and led to a good deal of idle chaff and fun. Adolphe D., the Divisional
-Adjutant-General, was asked whether any order had yet arrived from
-headquarters to invest the lady in her husband's cocked hat, coat, and
-continuations, etc., and to clothe him in her petticoats, etc.; for, if
-not, and the Arabs, who at this time mustered strong at Kurnool, should
-make a raid into the Mysore country, all the inhabitants of Bangalore
-might get up one fine morning and find their throats cut; and a great
-deal more in the same strain.
-
-However, as neither the old General nor his wife heard these stupendous
-efforts of wit, they were not rendered for ever miserable by them. On
-the contrary, sitting beside each other at the race-stand, they appeared
-particularly happy and comfortable. Pretty Mrs. D. was conspicuous
-amongst the ladies, she and her squire, Lieutenant M. of the Horse
-Artillery, being characterized as a particularly handsome pair.
-Unfortunately, they were neither paired nor coupled, Captain D. being
-the owner, or, it might be said, the reputed owner, of Eve's fair
-daughter.
-
-It would be an endless task to enumerate all those who were present.
-First, all the sporting men were there, decked in hunting coats,
-buckskins, and top-boots. This list included Colonel MacC., Lieutenant
-M., H.A., Captain Venables, H.M.'s 39th Regiment, Long E. of 7th N.
-Cavalry, Suscat and Humphries of the N. Cavalry, Captain L. of the H.A.,
-some strangers, sporting men, some civilians from Madras, and the
-Mofussil, several dragoon officers, and some few, besides Captain
-Venables, from H.M.'s 39th and the Native Infantry Regiments. Most of
-these occupied the ring, where the gentlemen who were to ride were
-dressing, or weighing, or being weighed. It was a busy, bustling scene.
-Some had field-glasses slung over their shoulders; the greater number
-had notebooks in their hands.
-
-The race-stand was now crowded with officers of all arms, some few
-civilians and ladies, many of them from Madras, Arcot, etc. The jockeys
-were many of them dressed and ready, whip in hand, for a final weighing;
-the horsecloths were being taken off the horses, and all began to
-examine the printed papers in their hands. Ten horses were to run.
-Lieutenant M., in jockey costume, now walked from the band-stand to the
-seat in the race-stand occupied by Mrs. D., who said: 'What is it,
-Frank?' 'I only came over to point out the horses to you,' returned her
-friend; 'they are going to walk them about for a little while, and I'll
-stay with you till the first bell rings.' 'That's a good boy!' said the
-lady, looking at him as I should not have liked her to look had I been
-Captain D. But, alas! alas! _Hei mihi quod nullis amor est, medicabilis
-herbis._ So Ovid said years agone, and so he might say again could he
-again return to earth.
-
-'Well, that beautiful creature is Colonel Cubbon's, and so is that.'
-'And the dark gray, whose is that?' 'Oh, that is Anatomy. Well, he's a
-handsome fellow, too, but in too good condition for such a name.' 'Whose
-horse is he?' 'He belongs to General Mrs. H.' 'Oh, really,' said the
-lady, 'what an odd name! But, no; it isn't. Nothing could be more
-appropriate for Anna Tommy.' 'Well done, Emma!' said her escort; 'that's
-capital. Isn't that good, Colonel Williamson?' 'What?' said the Colonel;
-'I didn't hear.' Mrs. D.'s _bon mot_ was repeated, and all who heard it
-applauded loudly. 'On my word,' said Colonel W., 'Mrs. D., you're a
-monopolist. The ladies say you have more good looks than should fall to
-any one person's share, and not content with that, you throw all your
-friends into the shade by your wit.' 'I'm _sure_,' replied Mrs. D., 'the
-ladies didn't say that; you say it for them. It would be only too
-delightful if it were true.' 'It is quite true, Mrs. D.; two delightful
-things are wit and beauty.' 'Oh yes; quite true if one possessed them.'
-'Come, come, you're not going to outface me in that way,' said Colonel
-W., 'with such proofs before my eyes and in my ears.' 'Oh,' said Mrs.
-O., in a half whisper to Mrs. C, 'she has brass enough to outface old
-Nick himself; anyone with half an eye could see what she is, only these
-men, especially old ones, are such unutterable fools.' Mrs. D. probably
-heard something and guessed more, for she leaned back in her chair and
-laughed heartily; then, casting an expressive glance towards Mrs. O.,
-she said: 'Who is it, Frank, that says, "The highest compliment one
-woman can pay another is when the one exhibits malignity and envy
-towards the other"--who is it?' 'I fancy,' returned Frank, 'you mean
-that clever sample of female vanity, Madame de Staël. But how did you
-make acquaintance with her? I thought you didn't care for that sort of
-thing.' 'I do read sometimes, Frank.' 'Yes, I know you do; I caught you
-reading the "Bride of Abydos" the other day.' 'Yes; I do read Byron,
-and have the honesty and courage to admit that I do; others read, and
-deny that they do so. But I'm not going to fight with you now; this
-isn't the right time or place, sir. But I'm in high spirits this
-morning, and I ought to be, for I have won high compliments from Colonel
-Williamson--he who never speaks of our poor sex without bringing up all
-our transgressions, from that little mistake our unhappy
-great-grandmother made to the various errors, _faux pas_, or
-misdemeanours attaching to Madame de Maintenon or the Marchioness of H.'
-
-'Well, "mera jan," I must run. I have scarcely time to weigh again and
-mount. They are ringing that bell with the utmost violence and
-impatience.' 'Go, then; mount and win,' said the lady. 'So I always do,'
-said he, whispering something in her ear. 'Begone, you wicked boy!' said
-she, laughing, but pushing him away. 'Now that there's a vacancy,' said
-the old Colonel, 'I'll occupy M.'s place, and repeat all those
-transgressions you refer to, solely, you know, to make myself
-agreeable.' 'That's rather an odd way of doing it, isn't it?' replied
-Mrs. D. 'It's something like beating one till you're tired, and then
-claiming credit for leaving off a minute or two.' 'No, no; it's a great
-deal more than that. I apply soothing plasters, don't I? and dress you
-very nicely, don't I?' 'Nothing of the sort. I have my ayah to do that;
-and if you're going to beat me again, on the strength of your nice
-dressing, I tell you I won't suffer it.' 'Well, then, just to please
-you, instead of dressing, I'll do the other thing, if you will only let
-me; in short, I'll do anything to please.' 'Well, then, Colonel W.,
-you'll stop, if you please. I have, and you have, allowed your tongue
-greater latitude than ought to have been allowed, so if you please
-you'll stop now, and we'll talk of something else.' Old W. was quick
-enough to understand from the lady's tone and manner that she would
-resent any prolongation of the giff-gaff he had been indulging in, so,
-like an experienced warrior, he drew off his forces, and said: 'Come,
-then, I'll go on with the horses.' The lady, to show that she had
-forgiven the old sinner, said with an arch smile: 'I see how it is. Mrs.
-Williamson does not keep you at all in order; she must do better in
-future, or I shall warn her if she doesn't. You're such an impetuous old
-gentleman that she'll have you paying adoration to all the ladies in the
-station.' 'Oh no,' returned old W., 'you wouldn't do that: have some
-compassion. Spare me that.' 'A-ha!' said Mrs. D., 'so I have found a
-crevice in your armour, have I? Ha, ha, ha!' laughing maliciously.
-'Well, sir, behave yourself, and try and control your juvenile
-impetuosity. Ha, ha, ha! How M. will laugh when I tell him!' 'No, no;
-you won't tell him--I'm sure you won't.' 'I rather think I shall,' said
-the lady. 'Are you afraid of twelve paces?' 'As far as that,' replied
-Colonel W., 'I fear nothing, and I've proved that more than once. We can
-settle it over a handkerchief if M. likes; but I am afraid to face the
-ridicule, the scandal, and the gossip that a meeting between me, a
-married man, and M. on account of a married lady, might and would give
-rise to. I confess I am afraid of that. Come, be generous, and don't say
-anything about my small delinquencies.' 'Well, sir, if you'll promise to
-behave yourself, I will for the present hold my tongue.' 'That's kind.
-Now we'll look at the horses.' So the horses were looked at and pointed
-out individually, and their qualities and prospects descanted on. By and
-by the start took place. M.'s horse Leander won; Trojan, the horse
-backed by Captain Venables, second; and Roderic, Colonel MacC.'s horse,
-third; the rest nowhere. Mrs. D.'s delight was inexpressibly great, and
-while she was talking with the utmost volubility she declared she had no
-words to express it.
-
-In the midst of the glee and the rejoicing, M. made his appearance, but
-with a countenance expressive of anything but mirth and satisfaction.
-'What's the matter, Frank?' said Mrs. D. 'Nothing,' said M., 'but that I
-have lost the race.' 'How can that be?' said the lady. 'Your horse came
-in first.' 'Yes; but when the jockey was weighed, it was found that he
-had lost weight.' 'Oh, how sorry I am,' said Mrs. D.; 'I could actually
-cry, I'm so vexed.' 'Don't do that, "mera jan," don't do that; I'd
-rather lose the next race than that you should do that.' 'Well, Frank, I
-won't if I can help it.' 'I am really sorry,' said Colonel W.; 'but how
-did it happen?' 'I can't tell, and the boy can't tell. He is a good lad,
-and is now doing what you were almost doing, Emma; he is crying his eyes
-out because he has lost the race and I have lost my money.' 'But how did
-it occur?' 'I suppose some of the shot escaped out of the shot-belt,
-though how they could I don't know. However it came about, it has
-happened, and I have lost the race.' 'Well,' said the Colonel, 'you take
-it very philosophically.' 'Why should I not do so? fretting or fuming
-won't help me. Losing my temper won't save me from losing my money.'
-'True,' returned the Colonel; 'but few exhibit so much command over
-themselves.' 'Few are like Frank,' said Mrs. D. 'But how much weight did
-the boy lose?' 'I forget exactly; not many grains over allowances.' 'And
-must you lose the race for that? that is hard.' 'No, "mera jan," it is
-the law, the rule; and it is as fair for one as the other.' 'Why, then,
-don't they have a piece of lead scraped or filed down to what is exactly
-required, and then if it were sewn into the jacket it could not be
-lost.' 'Not a bad plan, Emma, truly; but it can only help us for the
-future; it cannot help us on this occasion.' 'What I can't understand is
-how Cubbon's horses, by far the best of those which started, did not
-win.' 'It was in consequence of their acknowledged superiority that
-they lost,' replied M. 'Isn't that a paradoxical remark,' asked Mrs. D.
-'No, Emma,' said M.; 'they carried too much extra weight. I knew they
-would lose, and I told the Colonel so, and advised him to scratch them.
-I also said I thought that the committee had decided erroneously; but he
-was so good and so generous that he declared he would rather lose than
-spoil the race and the general pleasure. Oh, he is _primus et solus_.'
-All sung Colonel Cubbon's praises, and then all prepared for the second
-heat.
-
-Not to make my story too long, it is merely necessary to state the facts
-as they occurred. Trojan was first. The little mare Kate (M.'s horse)
-came in second, but again M. lost through his jockey, this time
-evidently by villainy; the boy had chosen to lose his whip. This would
-not have occurred had the lad who rode the first race been allowed to
-ride the second, which M. himself wished. His wishes were, however,
-overruled by his friends; so the honest but unfortunate jockey was
-discarded and the scoundrel trusted, as too often happens in this world
-in more important matters. As he himself said, 'Fate was determined to
-win the race against him.'
-
-Poor fellow! that day's sport made him an indebted and distressed man
-all his days. On the other hand Fate, or Dame Fortune was equally
-determined that Captain Venables should be a winner. First, the horse he
-backed so largely was an ugly, awkward, bony-looking brute that would
-never have had the ghost of a chance had not the committee, most
-unaccountably, at the last moment almost, doubled the length of the
-course. This enabled Trojan's wind and bottom to tell. Secondly, by
-another oversight, the weight named for him to carry was insignificant.
-For, by height, and size, and strength, he ought to have carried a
-stone more than he did; but, in truth, his other qualities were
-overlooked; his Roman nose and awkward appearance, together with his
-comparative want of speed, which was well known, deceived the members of
-the committee. He was scoffed at as a competitor, and was generally put
-down as nowhere in the race, and consequently the bets and odds were
-heavy against him. Had it not been for the double course, which made the
-stretch close on three miles, the knowing ones would have been quite
-right; but the alteration, which was purely accidental, upset all their
-calculations. Still, had it not been for the first jockey's accident and
-ill-luck, Leander would have won. As it was, Captain Venables won
-everything; his gains were calculated at more than £2,000, and, as
-everyone said, lucky it was for him that he did win. Had he lost, he had
-nothing, absolutely nothing, to offer in the shape of payment but his
-commission.
-
-All the senior officers of the 39th had been constant and earnest in
-their remonstrances and entreaties to Captain Venables to draw back, and
-not to involve himself to such a perilous extent; but all to no purpose.
-An obstinate fit of deafness, and, as it was looked on, madness, seemed
-to have got possession of him. He would hear nothing, see nothing, and
-say nothing except, 'Well, we shall see,' and such like cool, determined
-phrases. Everyone set him down as an obstinate madman, whose ruin was
-certain. Major S. said to him after a long, earnest, and fruitless
-remonstrance, 'Well, Venables, I shall be sorry, after twenty years'
-service, to see you carrying a musket, but there's nothing else before
-you that I can see.' 'But,' replied V., 'I can see something else,
-Major; you will never see me carrying a musket.' 'I hope not,' replied
-the Major, as he walked out intensely disgusted and disappointed.
-
-The real meaning of the expression was not understood till after the
-speaker's death. Then, as members of the committee appointed for that
-purpose were examining and noting down his effects, a bottle labelled
-'Cyanide of Potassium' was found; it contained fully two ounces, not
-having been opened. This of itself might not have excited much
-suspicion, as several officers were then amusing themselves with
-learning how to plate copper and other articles, for which the salt in
-question was largely used; but that it had been obtained for another and
-far more deadly object was made clear by a book found near the bottle.
-This was the last edition of Taylor on poisons. The section on prussic,
-or hydrocyanic, acid and its compounds had evidently been carefully
-studied; there were many marks and annotations in the handwriting of the
-winner of the race in pencil, and one which explained the writer's
-feelings and intentions so plainly as to remove all doubt from the minds
-of the committee. The words were these, after underlining the quantities
-required to kill an adult, 'But, after all, I may not require it.' The
-Father of all mercy graciously removed him from the world without having
-the contemplated crime to answer for.
-
-The manner of this unfortunate man's death was as follows: After the
-second heat, when all doubt was removed, and it was certain that Trojan
-had won so largely, Captain Venables flushed up so as to appear almost
-purple in the face. My brother was standing directly opposite in the
-race-stand, and at the time watching the winner. He beheld the
-extraordinary flush mentioned, saw it gradually fade and pass away, and
-a deadly paleness succeed to it; finally, he saw the most extraordinary
-changes take place. The officer's face became brown, leaden, almost
-green, and at last a little flushed; then he tottered, and would have
-fallen but that a friend held him up and supported him until a palankeen
-could be found; into this he was placed and conveyed home. Dr. Davis,
-the assistant surgeon of the regiment, was sent for; he directed his
-patient to take a glass of hot brandy-and-water directly, to be
-undressed, and put to bed. The report spread everywhere that Captain
-Venables, the winner of the race, had been so overcome by the excitement
-as to be seriously ill; that he had drunk a glass of brandy-and-water,
-had been put to bed, and was not to be disturbed till to-morrow. Few
-except my brother thought that anything beyond over-excitement was the
-matter; but he had closely observed the extraordinary changes exhibited
-by the poor man's face, and feared a fatal issue. Almost every other
-person said: 'Oh, he'll be all right to-morrow. Oh, it's nothing but
-over-excitement; he knew if he had lost that he would have to sell his
-commission, and have to serve in the ranks, so, after all, his being
-upset by his wonderful escape and good fortune is nothing to be wondered
-at.'
-
-This being the general opinion, little more was said or thought of
-Captain Venables; but there was great stir and bustle amongst the young
-people, and especially amongst the young ladies, nor indeed was the stir
-and excitement confined to the young people. A fancy ball, to follow on
-the evening of the races, was too important and rare an occurrence to be
-lightly passed over. This momentous consummation to the races had been
-announced more than six weeks before, so tailors and a variety of
-curious artificers had been busy during the month. Ladies and gentlemen
-had also been unusually busy. The result of all this preparation was a
-very splendid collection of fancy costumes and groups taken from Scott's
-novels, as well as from the more sober though less delightful pages of
-history. Some of the groups and costumes were so exceptionally good that
-they really deserve a passing notice.
-
-Of these groups Queen Elizabeth and three ladies of her court, in the
-costume of that day, with their grand ruffs, farthingales, and trains
-were very effective. Their four cavaliers, all habited in the well-known
-dress worn by Sir Walter Raleigh, formed a much-admired set for a
-quadrille. Queen Mary and her four Marys, with cavaliers wearing
-Highland dresses, formed another set for a quadrille, and were much
-admired. Another group habited as Virgins of the Sun also attracted much
-notice, the leader being Mrs. W. This naturally gave rise to several
-facetious remarks, which I leave to the imagination of the reader. Then
-after the groups there were several couples, which elicited marked
-applause. Mrs. C. and Mrs. M., as two Greek ladies, were greatly
-admired. Then Mrs. L. and Mrs. C., habited in the costume worn in the
-reign of George I., were acknowledged by all to be capital, and won
-universal admiration. Miss S., whose fine figure, beautiful complexion,
-and good-natured face must not be omitted, habited as a flower-girl, won
-many admirers. Other young ladies were seen disporting themselves as
-Persians, Circassians, Swiss maidens, sylphs, and vivandieres, and were
-all more or less admirable, and when mingled with the requisite number
-of Turks, Greeks, Hungarians, devils, and scaramouches, made up a
-beautiful and interesting _mélange_ of characters. But the admired of
-all admirers was Mrs. S., in Scott's too charming character of Rebecca.
-To very handsome and expressive features, and to a tall, faultlessly
-graceful figure, this lady added the appropriate beauty of a brunette.
-Her dark eyes were fringed with long silken lashes; her long and
-luxuriant dark tresses, partly escaping from ribbons and turban, fell in
-natural curls on her neck and shoulders, and, seen through her gauze
-veil, formed a wealth of beauty which set off and enhanced the witchery
-of a bust that Leda herself might have envied. Her costume, closely
-copied from the description given in 'Ivanhoe,' completed the
-enchantment wrought by her appearance. Her elegant little feet and
-slippers, almost concealed by her full silken trousers, when they did
-appear, gave a provoking glimpse of that perfection of form which her
-dress concealed. She was by all admitted to be the cynosure of all eyes.
-
-But where was the Bois-Guilbert who ought to have been her cavalier? Ah,
-where indeed? 'Tell it not in Gath, speak it not in the streets of
-Ascalon.' The Bois-Guilbert, who was to have been personated by her
-husband, Captain S., was unable to stand or even to articulate; he was
-lying on his bed, partly undressed, almost unable to move, and in a
-pickle that cannot be described. Poor Rebecca! her sorrowful expression
-of countenance was felt too deeply to be regarded as acting, or if it
-was it was acting with an aching heart. Unhappily the condition in which
-Captain S. was found was almost a nightly occurrence; and yet this very
-man, when sober, was without exception the handsomest and finest man in
-the cantonment.
-
-The sensitive mind recoils with indignation, disgust, and horror from
-the picture presented. God's grandest gift to man, his intellect (which,
-far better than any trivial anatomical distinction, distinguishes him
-from the beast), wilfully, wickedly, and wantonly thrown aside to
-gratify the lowest of all propensities. But the drunkard does more than
-this. It is a libel on the beast to say that the drunkard makes a beast
-of himself; he makes himself worse and lower than the beast, for the
-beast does not get drunk. It is only man who gets drunk; it is only man
-who dares to insult his Creator in this detestable manner--who dares to
-fling back in His face his best gift, and who thus displays, at one time
-and in one act, his disobedience, his wickedness, his folly, and his
-ingratitude. And if we now inquire how a persistence in drinking ends,
-the hospital, the gaol, and the workhouse answer. While, during life, as
-the man pursues the dreadful downward path, he forfeits every kindly
-feeling on the part of those who once loved him, and would have done
-their best to serve him, in death he is remembered only as 'that drunken
-fellow' So-and-so. Some former friend, who knew him before he had
-yielded to this enthralling vice, may say perhaps: 'Well, I am sorry for
-poor ----. I knew him when he was as nice a fellow as you could wish to
-see; and to think that he, or such as he, should be among the victims of
-the Vampire Drink, is very sad; I cannot bear to think of it.' This is
-the career of the drunkard in this world. What it must be in the world
-to come, when he must give an account of his life, is dreadful to
-reflect on.
-
-If the drunkard is a married man, his offences and his wickedness are
-greater still; all that applies to the unmarried man applies to him, and
-in addition cruelty of the worst kind--cruelty so heartless and so
-unnatural that, though we know it, we can scarcely believe it possible.
-The fiercest and most ravenous beasts of prey (though not gifted with
-human feelings and intelligence) do not desert their mates, nor their
-young; but the drunkard who is married not only deserts both, but will,
-to gratify his filthy passion, drink away his income, drink away his
-status in society, drink away his future prospects, and thus reduce wife
-and children from the position in which they were born, and had
-heretofore moved, to want, penury and degradation. Still not contented,
-but prompted by the horrible love of drink, the married drunkard
-deprives his wretched, miserable wife of the trifle she earns weekly,
-striving to stave off actual starvation, sells or pawns everything the
-unhappy pair once possessed, and the wife dies in the streets of
-starvation, cold, and misery. This is the natural result of drunkenness
-when observed in its effects on the classes that live by their daily
-labour. Let us trace in a higher grade the effects produced by
-indulgence in this baleful habit. The drunkard before his marriage
-manages to conceal his practices not only from the young lady he woos to
-be his wife, but from her friends. He, however, soon shows his colours.
-If in the army the natural consequence is that he drinks himself out of
-his commission. By the generosity of his Colonel and brother officers,
-he is allowed to sell, and the proceeds are made over to his unfortunate
-wife, who is deeply compassionated by all the regiment. And shall this
-mean, selfish wretch, who has wrecked the peace and prosperity of those
-whom he has sworn to love and cherish--sworn on the altar of the Most
-High--not be answerable? Shall he who has kept his holy marriage vows by
-bringing privation and misery on those who should be nearest and
-dearest, not be answerable? Innocence and virtue toiling in distress
-appeal to Heaven strongly. Man may disregard, but there is One who will
-not disregard--One who has said: 'Come unto Me all ye that labour and
-are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.' A mother toiling to feed her
-children--toiling in an altered and reduced position, to which she has
-been brought by her drunken husband--is too sad, too noble a sight, not
-to attract the eye of mercy. If the destroyer has one spark of human
-feeling left, the knowledge of what he has done must be like the fire of
-hell in his heart and brain; but words in such a case are vain.
-'Vengeance is Mine, saith the Lord, and I will repay,' and to the Lord's
-vengeance such men must be left.
-
-The effects of drunkenness, as exhibited by married and unmarried men,
-have been drawn from instances unhappily too well known to the author.
-Let us look now at the effects of this national sin, this degrading,
-despicable form of selfishness, regarded from a public point of view.
-What do the public prints tell us? What do we read of every day? Is
-there a crime that can be named that cannot be shown to have originated
-in drunkenness? Wife and child murder are actually common as one of
-these results. The vile husband comes home drunk, a quarrel ensues
-between him and his wife, and she--perhaps with her infant, or little
-boy or girl--is kicked to death by the infuriated savage. And what is
-too often the result? If the human brute expresses sorrow, and says he
-had taken a drop too much, he is allowed in some way or other to escape.
-Either the coroner and his jury bring in manslaughter, or the sapient
-judge and jury, by whom the ruffian is tried, find some legal reason to
-let him off, or the jury refuse to hang. They are too pitiful, but they
-have no pity for the unfortunate woman and her child or children.
-Drunkenness, as it is now regarded, is positively a protection to the
-murderer. Let us see how it acts in cases of less enormity than murder.
-Someone, man or woman, is beaten or kicked within an inch of his or her
-life, and the excuse invariably is that the beast had been drinking.
-Magistrates almost always ask this question. Policemen never fail to
-state that the man was, or was not, drunk. If the statement is that he
-was not drunk, it invariably acts as an aggravation of guilt; and, _vice
-versâ_, if the culprit is pronounced to have been drunk, it is at once
-received as a palliation. That which in common-sense is a positive
-crime, _per se_, is made by irrational custom to lessen and mitigate a
-greater crime.
-
-The plea put forward to defend this practice is this: Would you punish
-severely the man who, from the influence of seductive company, or from
-any other cause, happens to get tipsy, even if he should commit
-manslaughter or other serious offence while under the effects of vicious
-stimulation? Certainly not. But this is mere sophistry. It is not an
-accident we have to consider; it is that of men who night after night
-deprive themselves of their senses by drink. In this case it appears
-clear that the fact of the man being drunk is a serious addition to his
-crime, as he has wilfully, and with his eyes open, deprived himself of
-his senses. This portion of the subject is too wide, too vast, for me to
-enter upon, as it necessarily touches the legal aspect of the question;
-and there are no doubt numberless legal gentlemen, gifted with fine and
-acute intellects, who are fully equal to the determination of the
-intricacies and difficulties of the question.
-
-To the reader, the author feels that he owes an apology for having in a
-light work, devoted chiefly to the worship of Momus, been led to say
-what he has said on legislative matters; the delict was not intentional,
-it arose naturally from the incident related, and from consideration of
-the dreadful evils of intemperance, and the defects of the statutes
-passed in reference to it. Yet, if from the melancholy details recorded
-with reference to gambling on the racecourse, and the miserable
-instances of drunkenness brought forward (which, be it remembered, are
-cases actually observed), one solitary individual be induced to reflect
-on the life-long misery which almost surely will result from pursuing
-either of these baneful paths, and he by this means is led to pause in
-his ruinous career, the effects of the fault may perhaps go far to
-obtain pardon for it. Nor can the author think that because his
-principal object is to amuse, he should altogether be debarred from
-sometimes assuming a graver tone. Examples of individual sorrows,
-failings or crimes, ought not to be altogether useless, seeing that they
-are pages of individual history, and all history we know teaches by
-example.
-
-Having now offered his apology, and recorded his plea for a favourable
-judgment, his long digression draws to a close, and he returns to the
-fancy ball, the description of which was interrupted by feelings excited
-in consequence of the condition recorded of Captain S. Let us now forget
-the unhappy man, and mingle with the gay crowd.
-
-It has been before observed that the 'Virgins of the Sun' attracted a
-good deal of rather quizzical notice on account of their leader, or high
-priestess, or whatever else she may have termed herself. Now it so
-happened that this lady unintentionally afforded new cause for the same
-sort of notice. She wore, as all the young ladies in her train did, a
-veil attached to her head-dress, from which it descended to her feet,
-falling in graceful folds about her person. As the room became warmer,
-in spite of the punkahs which were kept constantly going, for the
-dancers--among whom Mrs. W. (the _quasi_ virgin) had distinguished
-herself--the veil became unbearable. Mrs. W. rejoiced in rather a
-superfluity of flesh; she was a sanguine, full-blooded woman, with a
-large endowment of adipose tissue. We would on no account be so vulgar
-as to say that she was a fat woman; all that can be asserted, with due
-regard to the _bienséances_, is that she was decidedly, very decidedly,
-stout. The heat, the dancing, and the lady's full temperament, made the
-veil insufferable; it was accordingly laid aside, then at once were
-displayed charms that it is most difficult to do justice to. A dress
-laced in to the last point of endurance, and at the back so liberally
-cut down that the view afforded was unusually extensive, may give some
-notion of the length and breadth of the prospect. The heat, the
-exercise, and the constitution of the lady may, to those who have
-carefully studied such natural phenomena, suggest that a lovely roseate
-hue, a truly infantine tint, overpowered the native alabaster of the
-skin. The effect of the painfully heroic efforts to obtain a waist had
-produced a strong line down the spine, and had, moreover, accumulated
-masses of roseate adipose tissue on either side of that line. The _tout
-ensemble_ presented such a comical resemblance to something that may be
-imagined though it may not be uttered, that the whole room was in a
-titter.
-
-'Did ever you see anything like it, in your life?' said Mrs. C. 'Why,
-to tell you the truth, my dear, I think I have,' said Mrs. O., laughing
-immoderately; 'have not you? Think now!' 'Oh,' said one of the young
-ladies, 'I never!' 'On my life,' said old Mrs. Fitslik, 'it's like
-nothing in the world but a baby's ----.' 'Well,' replied Mrs. O., 'if it
-is, it must be an unusually well-developed baby; but I suppose "Virgins
-of the Sun" may have unusually developed babies, if they have any.'
-
-To repeat one hundredth part of the light sarcasms and gibes and
-ironical praises of Mrs. W.'s liberality, beauty, and good taste, would
-be impossible. The universal inquiry was, during the evening, 'Have you
-seen Mrs. W.'s infantine back? if you haven't, you had better do so
-without loss of time, for I'll be bound you'll never see anything like
-it again, except you go into the nursery.' These, and innumerable others
-like these, formed the staple of the chat amongst the fairer half of the
-creation, and from these the talk of the gentlemen may be surmised. Some
-of the remarks, no doubt, were witty and caustic enough; but as the
-author has gone quite as far as he desired on the broad gauge in order
-to expose a special instance of bygone female vanity and folly, he begs
-to relegate the sayings of the male observers to the _Greek Kalends_.
-
-The lights and shades of a ball, and especially of a fancy ball, have
-ever been to the author, who was not a dancer, a source of amusement.
-The wonder, embarrassment, pleasure, and delight of the neophytes, who
-made their first appearance on the scene, was to him very interesting
-and sometimes entertaining; as were the rivalries, flirtations,
-disappointments, and vexations of the more experienced practitioners. It
-would serve no purpose but to fatigue the reader to go into the details
-of these lights and shades. Everyone can picture to her or him self the
-usual occurrences of a ball--the eagerness of the young gentlemen to
-obtain as a partner for the valse, or the polka, or the galop, some
-particularly good dancer, or some particularly pretty girl, and the
-extraordinary ingenuity and tact displayed by the young ladies in
-avoiding and getting rid of those they did not wish to have for
-partners, and in waiting for, in piqueing or punishing those men whom
-they did wish to secure. Bless their sweet faces! all they did was
-equally remarkable.
-
-
-
-
-No. VIII.
-
-WORSHIPPING TITLED FOLK.
-
-
-The little _plaisanterie_ about to be narrated took place at the house
-of the officer whose amiable disposition towards those under his
-command, and particularly towards my brother and Mrs. B., has previously
-been shown. Fortunately for all parties, the unhappy temper referred to
-was not always present, and, as this veritable history will prove,
-Colonel G. could make himself agreeable and join in fun and mirth as
-pleasantly even as Mrs. B. herself, who planned and originated _le petit
-jeu_ now to be described. The frolic was suggested by the extreme love
-and reverence displayed by a young lady, then staying with Captain and
-Mrs. C., for titles and titled personages. The whole conversation of
-this young lady, a Miss Freeman, was made up with what Lord ---- had
-thought, or said, or done; and how Sir George had remarked, with his
-usual good sense, so and so; and how the young Marquis of ---- had been
-so funny about the horses, and how the ladies present had been so much
-amused, etc.
-
-An exhibition of Miss F.'s feelings, likings, and instincts, took place
-at Mrs. G.'s house on the occasion of a morning call. Mrs. B., who
-happened to be there at the time, and who really had seen a good deal of
-high life, was so much amused that unintentionally she communicated her
-own feeling to Colonel G., who, we have seen, by his dexterity in
-turning the tables on poor Mrs. B., was by no means destitute of
-acuteness or satirical power. He soon comprehended the situation, and
-did his best to aid Mrs. B. in drawing out Miss Freeman. The
-conversation proceeded in a manner that may be guessed at by the
-following imperfect report:
-
-'Well, but, my dear,' observed Mrs. B., 'I should like to hear some of
-the funny talk of the "most noble" youth that amused your lady friends
-so much; can't you tell us something of what he said?'
-
-'Oh,' replied the young lady, 'I don't remember all he said.'
-
-'But,' returned Mrs. B., 'we don't ask for all; can't you tell us
-something of it? You surely must remember something, and then perhaps we
-should be able to guess at something more.'
-
-After a pause Miss F. said, 'I remember, amongst other funny things the
-young Marquis said, speaking of all the girls present, that "the young
-fillies were rather a promising lot taken altogether."'
-
-'Did he really say that?' asked Mrs. B.; 'very amusing wasn't it,
-Colonel G.?'
-
-'Amusing and complimentary too,' returned the Colonel.
-
-'He must have been a delightful young man,' remarked Mrs. B.
-
-'He was indeed, Mrs. B.,' said the young lady.
-
-'But, come, tell us something more; don't be so stingy with your
-recollections: pray give us a little more.'
-
-'I wish I could,' returned Miss F., 'but I've such a bad memory. Oh, I
-do call to mind. He said Miss Marks "went right well on her pasterns."'
-
-'What an amusing fellow!' said the elder lady.
-
-'You can't think what an amusing creature he was,' continued Miss F.
-
-'I begin to have some notion,' replied Mrs. B.
-
-'Oh, but you don't know what he said of Miss Smithers.'
-
-'How should I?' returned Mrs. B. 'I wasn't so fortunate, you know, as to
-be one of his intimate friends.'
-
-'That's true,' said Miss F.
-
-'But,' continued the elder lady, 'let us hear what he said.'
-
-'It was so funny that we all laughed.'
-
-'How tantalizing you are! Why don't you repeat it, that we may laugh
-too?' said Mrs. B.
-
-'Well,' replied Miss F., laughing, 'he said "she was bluff in the
-hocks."'
-
-'Said "she was bluff in the hocks!"' said Mrs. B., as soon as she could
-recover from her laughter (in which her friends joined). 'No wonder you
-were all charmed with him; it is scarcely possible to imagine a more
-fascinating or witty young gentleman. But what did he mean, my dear, by
-bluff in the hocks?'
-
-'I'm sure I can't say, Mrs. B.; but I know everybody thought it very
-funny and very amusing. I don't think anyone knew exactly what he did
-mean, but everyone laughed most heartily. I know I did.'
-
-'Truly,' said Mrs. B., 'a more convincing proof of wit than that I can
-scarcely imagine; it must have been superlative when it amused everyone
-though no one understood it.'
-
-'It must not only have been superlative, but amazing,' observed Colonel
-G. 'I only wish I could get people to laugh on such easy terms; but I
-suppose being a marquis goes some way.'
-
-'Very likely,' said Mrs. B. 'What do you say, Miss F.?'
-
-'Of course it does. I should say it would go a very long way,' said the
-young lady.
-
-'It is greatly to be regretted,' remarked Mrs. B., 'that we have no
-such witty young marquises in this part of the world.'
-
-'Yes,' said Miss F., 'that's what most makes me regret coming to India;
-we find no people here with handles to their names.'
-
-'Come, come,' said Mrs. B., 'you must not exactly say that; we had Lord
-E., and his friend the Earl of C., here but a very short time ago.'
-
-'Ah, but there's no one of that rank here now,' returned Miss F., 'and I
-really don't care much to meet those who are not in some way
-_distingué_.'
-
-'That's to be expected,' replied Mrs. B. 'Being yourself, by your
-natural refinement of mind, so _distingué_, you would, as a matter of
-course, like to meet distinguished people; we will see what we can do to
-introduce you to someone with a handle to his name. There are two or
-three officers belonging to the class you admire so much about to join
-the 13th from England, and as soon as any one of them arrives, I'll make
-it my business to introduce you.'
-
-'Oh, how very kind of you, Mrs. B.! I thank you very much.'
-
-Mrs. C. and her guest now rose to depart. As soon as they were gone,
-Mrs. B., Colonel G., and his wife all indulged themselves in an
-unrestrained fit of laughter. 'I really have more than half a mind to
-play that girl a trick,' said Mrs. B., 'to punish her for her
-insufferable affectation.' 'On my word she does her best to make herself
-ridiculous.' 'Several of my servants are sick, including the cook,' said
-Mrs. B., 'or I'd give an evening party, and introduce some of our young
-fellows as people of rank.' 'Let that be no obstacle to the fun,' said
-Mrs. G. 'I'll give the party; do you introduce your friends.' So the two
-ladies and Colonel G. engaged heartily in the plot.
-
-In due season invitations were issued to 'a select circle of friends,'
-as the stereotyped saying has it, which included the C.'s and Miss
-Freeman, to an evening party to meet Sir Charles Oakley and Sir Hubert
-Stanley. Great was the excitement amongst all invited to know all about
-the strangers, of whom they had never heard.
-
-On the evening named, the guests arrived, and as they did so Colonel G.,
-who was waiting in the hall for that purpose, cautioned everyone to say
-nothing if, in the strangers, they happened to recognise faces with
-other names than those adopted for the evening. Everyone saw there was
-some frolic _in hand_ or _on foot_ (if the latter phrase pleases
-better), and immediately everyone entered into it so far as to resolve
-to observe all but say nothing.
-
-Mrs. C. and Miss F. soon made their appearance. Captain C., for some
-reason, did not go, which, as he was a man of sour disposition,
-inapprehensive of a joke, was lucky. By and by Mrs. B. and the guests of
-the evening--or, rather, the guest, Sir Hubert being sick--appeared.
-'Indisposed to come, I presume,' said Colonel G. 'So I told him,'
-returned Mrs. B. As the drawing-room door opened, a half-caste 'writer,'
-dressed in livery for the occasion, announced Mrs. B. and Sir Charles
-Oakley, who immediately afterwards was formally introduced to Mrs. G.
-Irrepressible was the tittering amongst those who recognised in Sir
-Charles the jolly, fat, good-humoured Lieutenant Mac----ny of the 13th
-Dragoons; but under Colonel G.'s sharp supervision all held their peace.
-Sir Charles was in high spirits, made himself very amusing and
-agreeable, and was for the evening a real 'live lion.'
-
-As soon as the introductions were over, Mrs. B. called Miss F. to come
-and sit beside her. Sir Charles was at the time standing near her chair,
-and a good deal of fun seemed to be going on between them, if that may
-be inferred from the laughter.
-
-'You know the Marquis of Sevenoaks, I hear, Miss Freeman,' said the
-Baronet; 'an old schoolfellow of mine at Eton. Many a thrashing he's had
-from me. I was in the upper forms, and the Marquis was my fag.'
-
-Miss F. opened her eyes very wide, and then exclaimed: 'Oh, but you're
-joking, Sir Charles! Surely you can't mean that you thrashed the young
-Marquis of Sevenoaks?'
-
-'Why not, Miss Freeman? All fags get their share of licking, and why
-shouldn't he?'
-
-'Oh, but it's so cruel; and the Marquis must have been quite a little
-fellow then. It's shocking to think that the bigger boys should have the
-power to thrash the little ones, and actually be allowed to do it, and
-in this case to a boy of such high rank--a Marquis. I really can't think
-it; you're trying to possess me' ('Upon my life!' said Mac----ny, 'I'm
-not') 'with absurd notions and imaginations. The idea of thrashing a
-young scion of nobility, quite as a matter of routine, as if he was no
-better than a tinker or tailor! It's quite preposterous and revolting,
-and seems almost an act of profanation! I never can believe it.'
-
-'It's a pity, then, you didn't hear the young beggar singing out when he
-had to hold up.'
-
-Poor Miss Freeman! all her ideas suffered a dreadful kind of revolution.
-She was in a sort of stupor; her brain was in a whirl. Could it be
-possible that a young Marquis could be thrashed at the pleasure of an
-elder boy merely because that boy sat on another form? To be called a
-young beggar besides, and to have his sufferings actually made game of
-by a mere baronet, it was all so dreadful, so astounding, and so utterly
-opposed to all her preconceived notions, that she was lost in amazement.
-
-'You say, Miss Freeman,' said the Baronet, breaking in on her silent
-contemplations and reflections, 'that the fagging seems to be a matter
-of form. Well, so it is as to the seats of the boys, but not at all a
-matter of form as to the smart of the stripes; that depends on strength
-of arm.'
-
-'Whatever it depends on,' said Miss F., 'it's very shocking to hear; but
-I'm persuaded you're hoaxing me. I'll never believe that a young
-nobleman of such high rank would or could be used in such a way.'
-
-'Very sorry you don't believe,' said the Baronet, 'but all the same it's
-true; and, after all, his allowance as fag was nothing to what he used
-to get from old Thwackum regularly every day. Spoony, as the young hero
-was then called, used to get it regularly for his parsing, and whenever
-he saw the cane coming he used to begin to blubber, to the great
-amusement of old Snuffy, which was Thwackum's common appellation. The
-old fellow on these pleasant occasions used to become facetious, and,
-after his fashion, witty. Spoony in those days was marked pretty
-strongly by the small-pox, and whenever the tears filled the little pits
-caused by the pock marks, Snuffy used to say: "What, Mr. Puteus, the
-lord of the wells! Why, my little conjuring wand is as potent as the rod
-of Moses in raising the waters, and in setting the streams a-flowing.
-But why begin before there's need? The pleasure's to come, you know."
-The reason he called him _Puteus_ was that this is the Latin for a well,
-and so afforded opportunity for his allusions, and at the same time for
-a vile attempt at wit, _i.e._, to call him _Mr. Beauteous_.'
-
-'Can it be possible,' said Miss F., 'that anyone could be so cruel,
-cowardly, and fiend-like as to rejoice over pain, and make fun of a poor
-young fellow he was going to punish? I cannot believe it.'
-
-'Don't, then,' said the heartless Baronet, turning away and laughing,
-'but nevertheless it's fact, pure and simple.'
-
-Sir Charles then sauntered away, leaving Miss Freeman considerably
-mystified, and in an unsatisfactory state of doubt as to how far she was
-to believe the various unpleasant statements made by her new
-acquaintance.
-
-Mrs. B., the Colonel, and Mrs. G. were at this time making themselves
-very merry, but their conversation was carried on in so low a tone of
-voice that nothing reached Miss Freeman's ears. She was in a melancholy
-mood, thinking of the sufferings the young Marquis had undergone, the
-enormities of those who had caused them, and whether all or the greater
-part of what she had heard was not pure invention; and, finally, that
-the Baronet wasn't half so nice as the Marquis. But, then, how could he
-be, being only a Baronet?
-
-While she was communing with herself, Mrs. B. returned to her former
-seat. As she resumed her place she said: 'And how do you like Sir
-Charles, Miss Freeman?'
-
-'Oh, I like him of all things,' replied the young lady, 'only I wish he
-would not speak so unkindly of the Marquis.'
-
-'I fancy he only tells you,' replied Mrs. B., 'what is common at all our
-public schools, particularly if the boy spoken of does not happen to
-understand his syntax (I think they call it) well. But,' continued she,
-'I don't perceive that you are making any approach to a more cordial
-footing.'
-
-'I wish I could,' returned Miss F., 'but I don't know how to manage it.'
-
-'I am surprised at that,' said Mrs. B., 'since you have been so intimate
-with so many titled personages; but I will try if I can't help you.'
-
-'Oh, Mrs. B., if you would I should be so grateful.'
-
-Mrs. B., as soon as she caught his eye, beckoned to Sir Charles. When he
-came up to her, she said: 'I thought you were to be in waiting on me,
-sir, for this evening; but I find you're a very careless squire.'
-
-'Haven't you elected me for your knight? How, then, can I be a careless
-squire? But _mille pardons_,' continued the gentleman, 'I do confess to
-a temporary dereliction.'
-
-'Which,' returned Mrs. B., 'if I were not most royally disposed I should
-not forgive so readily.'
-
-'I think if I were forgotten so I would not be so merciful,' observed
-the young lady.
-
-'Why, what would you do under such circumstances?' asked Sir Charles.
-'Would you order the culprit to be shut up in the Tower? or would you
-order him to be beheaded at once?'
-
-'Not being a Queen,' returned Miss F., 'I would not resort to such
-measures.'
-
-'Then what would you do?' continued the gentleman. 'Would you have a
-riband or a silk cord tied to the rover's leg or arm, and fastened by
-the other end to your fan or your waistband?'
-
-'No,' replied Miss F., 'I would not do that.'
-
-'No! Then what would you do?'
-
-'I think I know what I would do,' returned Miss F.
-
-'I say,' said Mrs. B., 'for the sake of similarly neglected ladies, do
-inform us.'
-
-'Yes,' said Sir Charles, 'it would only be fair to tell.'
-
-'I think,' said Miss F., whispering the words into Mrs. B.'s ear, 'I
-would try and retain him by the language of the eyes.'
-
-'Oh,' said Mrs. B., laughing, 'but all ladies may not have such
-proficiency in that language as you may possess.'
-
-'I have a notion,' said Miss F., 'that most ladies understand that
-language, and all, I fancy, do employ it sometimes.'
-
-'But,' inquired the Baronet, 'what's the dodge? Put us up to the dodge,
-Miss Freeman.'
-
-'Oh, I can't do that,' said the young lady, looking at the gentleman in
-a sort of languishing, sufficiently expressive, way.
-
-He then, turning to Mrs. B., said: 'Come, Mrs. B., won't you tell us
-what this knowing dodge is?'
-
-'No, no; don't tell, Mrs. B.!' exclaimed the young lady; 'pray don't. I
-beg you won't.'
-
-'Miss Freeman is inclined to trust to the power of invisible chains,
-that's all,' said Mrs. B.
-
-'Oh, that's it, is it?' said the Baronet. 'I should fancy such chains
-very infirm, and little to be depended on--in fact, I should regard them
-as utterly worthless and flimsy, except, indeed, they happened to be
-that kind of flimsy that the fat old banker's widow hung round the neck
-of young Lord Manners; that might hold.'
-
-'And what kind of chain is it that you describe by this word flimsy?'
-
-'Don't you know?' replied the gentleman. 'I thought everyone knew that.'
-
-'He means a chain of bank-notes,' said Mrs. B. 'A bank-note is with men
-on the turf, and other classes less respectable, termed a "flimsy."'
-
-'And that's the meaning of a "flimsy," is it?' said Miss F.
-
-'Yes, my dear,' returned Mrs. B.; 'that's the meaning.'
-
-'And that's the sort of chain that would, in your opinion, be of force
-sufficient to restrain a wanderer from straying, is it, Sir Charles?'
-
-'If it is,' interposed Mrs. B., 'I for one don't agree with him.
-Experience tells us that all such chains are scarcely ever found
-binding.'
-
-'But what a mercenary view to take of the matter! I'm sure, Sir Charles,
-that's not your belief in your heart of hearts. I'm certain you have too
-much chivalry in you to think so.'
-
-'Well, I don't know,' returned the Baronet; 'I've always thought I had a
-great deal too much heart, but at any rate I'm sure I haven't more than
-one. As to the chivalry, if we get a chance at the Russians I may
-perhaps find out if I've got any, and so perhaps may they.'
-
-'I think, Mrs. B.,' said Miss F., 'I begin to understand your friend Sir
-Charles; he is one of those who delight in making themselves appear
-worse than they are, and not only worse, but the very reverse of what
-they are.'
-
-'Take care,' said Mrs. B., 'that you don't pursue that style of
-reasoning too far. By following it up you might invest him with all the
-attributes of an 'Admirable Crichton,' and, after all, find out that he
-is only Sir Charles Oakley.'
-
-'Oh, but,' said the Baronet, 'she says she has found me out, and thus
-indirectly asserts that I am supporting an assumed character.'
-
-'Oh, Sir Charles!' exclaimed the young lady, 'how can you say so? I only
-said that I thought I began to understand you.'
-
-'Well,' returned the gentleman, 'isn't understanding me finding me out?'
-
-'Oh, but!' returned Miss F., 'you put such a different construction on
-the words; and I never said or thought you were supporting an assumed
-character.'
-
-'Didn't you?' said the Baronet, laughing; 'I thought you did, and if you
-had, only conceive how wrong you would have been.' The laughter seemed
-infectious, for Mrs. B. restrained the tendency that beset her with no
-little difficulty. 'But didn't you say,' continued the Baronet, 'that I
-was one of those who delighted in making myself appear worse than I was,
-and not only worse, but the reverse of what I was; and if that is true,
-is not that supporting an assumed character?'
-
-'Oh!' replied Miss F., 'you do twist things in such a way, you know I
-only meant that you might be what I supposed, in spite of your seeming.'
-
-'It seems, then, after all, Miss F.,' said Sir C, 'that you have not
-found me out, since you persist in believing me to be not only a dragoon
-and a baronet, but a chivalrous, unselfish, unmercenary sort of fellow,
-with more hearts than one.'
-
-'More hearts than one was entirely your own, Sir C.,' said Miss F.,
-'made out by an obvious perversion of language; and with regard to the
-other matters, I suspect I'm not so wrong as you try to make me appear.'
-
-'It's very ridiculous, isn't it, Mrs. B.?' said Sir C.
-
-'What's ridiculous?' said Miss F.
-
-'Why,' replied Sir C., 'it's very ridiculous to me to find myself ranked
-so high without deserving it, and credited with a lofty, unmercenary
-character, because I alluded to the power of bank-notes, to say nothing
-of being also credited with possessing more hearts than one; while, at
-the same time, it is asserted, or insinuated, that I am supporting an
-assumed character. All this is charmingly ridiculous to my mind.'
-
-'Well, well, it's useless for me to say anything; you will have it all
-your own way, Sir Charles,' said the young lady, 'and you have managed
-to misinterpret everything I have said in such a comical manner that I
-own it is very ridiculous.'
-
-'Capital!' said the Baronet; 'then after all we do agree, which,
-considering that we have differed in everything, is in itself
-sufficiently ridiculous, and will, I trust, afford us both ground for
-laughter for many a day to come.'
-
-'As for me,' said Mrs. B., 'I'm sure the remembrance of this evening
-will afford me food for laughter whenever it recurs to my mind; and now
-I'll wish my friends good-night; and then, Sir Charles, I shall be
-obliged if you'll order my carriage.'
-
-So the party broke up, the secret having been thoroughly well kept,
-thanks to the vigilance of Colonel and Mrs. G.
-
-As soon, however, as Mrs. C. and her charge departed, there was a
-general unloosing of tongues, bursts of laughter were unrestrained, and
-there was much rejoicing over the fun of the evening, and much fresh
-merriment. The next morning, rather before the customary hour for
-visiting, Mrs. B. and Lieutenant Mac----ny called on Mrs. C. and Miss
-Freeman, for the purpose of enlightening them as to the playful
-deception that had been practised on the previous evening, which Mrs. B.
-confessed she had originated. Miss Freeman was at first a little put
-out, and Mrs. C. was extremely astonished; but very soon both ladies
-yielded to Mrs. B.'s fascinating manner and strong feeling for fun and
-frolic, aided by the dragoon's rollicking good-humour and handsome
-apologies; in short, they were so pleased with their visitors that they
-quite forgot every feeling of annoyance, and agreed that as the
-gentleman had supported his assumed character so well, he was still to
-be 'Sir Charles' with them, as it is hoped he will be with all who love
-a harmless joke.
-
-
-
-
-No. IX.
-
-A REMINISCENCE OF TRICHINOPOLY.
-
-
-To make a scene is generally considered, and really is in most cases, an
-unfailing method of affording amusement to the bystanders, and as this
-amusement is always at the expense of the actors, such performances are
-very generally avoided. No one willingly, except under unusual and
-extreme provocation, will run the risk of making himself ridiculous,
-which making a scene almost always involves. For these reasons
-exhibitions of this kind are rare, very rare. The fiat of polite society
-has gone forth; this fiat announces that performances of this kind are
-forbidden, tabooed. Who is there that has not repeatedly heard, in his
-or her younger days, that so and so, or anything of that kind, 'is a
-breach of etiquette;' 'the refinement of the age does not permit it;' or
-'good taste and good manners will not sanction such expressions of
-feeling,' etc.? Yet, notwithstanding all these clearly defined laws,
-unalterable as those of the Medes and Persians, we know that scenes in
-high life, as well as in low life, do occur; and sometimes even in
-military life, despite the stringent restrictions of discipline which
-are superadded to those already mentioned.
-
-Having by accident, or by good luck, if the reader prefers the latter
-phrase, been present at an exhibition of this nature, which occurred
-many years ago at Trichinopoly, and having been much diverted by it, I
-have endeavoured by the aid of my pen to present it to the reader. I
-feel painfully the impossibility of conveying by this means what should
-have been witnessed to be fully appreciated--the looks, the tones, the
-expression of the faces, the actions, and the attitudes, cannot be given
-by the pen; and in the attempt to describe them, the essence of the fun,
-the humour of the scene, evaporates. Even were such a thing possible,
-the repetition of such a scene would be tame compared with the original
-performance. On all these accounts, I trust that the shortcomings of my
-attempt will be judged with generosity and with leniency. In this hope,
-I shall strive to the utmost with the difficulties of my task, so that
-if I cannot achieve success, I may at least fail with some degree of
-credit.
-
-I shall now, as the first step in the execution of this my
-self-appointed task, endeavour to describe as accurately as I can the
-actors and the scene. But it is needful for the full understanding of
-the comedy that I should also explain (so far as I am cognizant of them)
-what the circumstances were that led up to it. The actors were
-Lieutenant-General Blundermore Bluster, K.C.B., commanding the southern
-division of the Madras Presidency; and Colonel Prolix Pertinacity, C.B.,
-and V.C. commandant of H.M.'s ---- Regiment of Infantry, stationed at
-Trichinopoly.
-
-The General was a man of large and burly form, six feet two inches in
-height, and of proportionate bulk. His countenance expressed
-unmistakably the high estimation in which he held himself and all his
-belongings, even his goods and chattels--everything, in fact, that was
-_his_, and, above all, _his_ views and opinions. These last he seemed to
-regard almost as things sacred, and not to be questioned. With this was
-conjoined a manner that expressed a sort of lofty indifference, if not
-contempt, for all surroundings, both men and things; regarding all those
-who ventured to differ from him in opinion on any subject as guilty of
-gross impertinence, as well as bereft of common-sense, the fact of the
-disagreement proving their folly.
-
-Colonel Prolix Pertinacity was a red-haired gentleman, who stood five
-feet four inches in his shoes, with a broad bald head, bull neck, and
-massive shoulders, of greater bulk even than the General's, and of such
-corpulent body that he could almost say with Falstaff that it was a long
-time since he had seen his own knee. His countenance expressed
-unconquerable determination, but was nevertheless frank and open when
-not under excitement; it was also evident that he possessed a fiery,
-quick, irritable temper, and an undaunted, immovable disposition.
-
-From these outline sketches of these two officers, it may readily be
-inferred that they did not and could not agree. There had been, indeed,
-during nearly two years constant misunderstandings and altercations
-between them, causing unpleasant references to higher authority. Colonel
-Pertinacity considered himself ill-used, oppressed, and tyrannically
-dealt with; the General complained of disrespect, and unmilitary conduct
-almost amounting to insubordination, and generally of behaviour to the
-prejudice of good order and military discipline. He had on several
-occasions sent the Colonel home with a public reprimand, and had
-threatened ulterior proceedings. In reply to the references that had, up
-to this time, been made, it appeared that his Excellency the
-Commander-in-Chief of the Madras Army did not take exactly the same view
-of Colonel P.'s conduct that General Bluster did; at all events, nothing
-very serious came of the General's references and complaints, and
-Colonel P. always returned to his duty without having received any
-damaging reprimand or 'wigging' (as the phrase is) from the higher
-powers. He was advised to be more cautious and circumspect in his
-behaviour towards the General in future, and to avoid if possible any
-expression capable of misconstruction, and, finally, not to insist on
-his own view of affairs so determinedly as he seemed to have done, etc.,
-etc. What was said on these occasions to General Bluster was only known
-to himself, and perhaps to his staff; but as he did not communicate the
-contents of all the letters received from the Chief, it was strongly
-surmised that these letters were not all sugar-candy. However this may
-have been, the general opinion of the officers in the cantonment, and of
-the society at large, was rather in favour of the Colonel, although some
-took the part of the General. The argument used by these persons was
-usually something to this effect: 'Why does Colonel P. persist in
-maintaining his opinions when they differ from those of the General? If
-he is ever so right, what does it matter? Why does he not suffer the old
-gentleman to have his say without contradiction? What can the opinions
-of any such grand sample of bombastic self-sufficiency signify?' To this
-it was replied by those who took the part of the Colonel that so long as
-the General's remarks applied to abstract opinions, or to things in
-general, it would be wise on the Colonel's part to hear and say nothing;
-but that the General did not confine himself to any such line, or,
-indeed, to any line at all, but in the amplitude of his observations
-frequently made assertions that bore hard on others, not merely in their
-capacity as officers, but as men, many of whom, having received a much
-better education than the speaker, were in a manner called upon to admit
-his assertions as facts, although they knew the statements to be
-erroneous.
-
-Instances of this love of dictation, and the determination to lay down
-the law on all subjects, whether military or not, were constantly
-occurring, not seldom to the discredit of the General's scholarship. One
-day he downfaced young Arnold on a point on which the 'sub' was far
-ahead of him. The youngster was saying something about platinum to some
-of the other young lads, who, though they may have been well up in
-Euclid, and in fortifications, and could give you back accurately all
-that they had learned about 'momentum, velocity, and the square of
-distances whether inverse or not,' were not quite so well up in physics
-or chemical analysis. In reply to one of these young gentlemen who had
-been asking questions about platinum, Arnold stated that it was an
-elementary substance, adding that it was one of the sixty-three such
-substances.
-
-'Hulloa!' cried the General. 'What's that you say, Arnold--sixty-three
-elements? I fancy your elementary education has been rather neglected,
-my lad. Don't you know, having so lately come from school, that there
-are only four elements--air, earth, fire, and water? Why, they knew that
-as far back as the days of Aristotle!'
-
-Poor Arnold, not knowing the General's ways (he had only just joined),
-unconsciously replied: 'They don't teach that nowadays, General.' One of
-the young men who had been at Sandhurst with him whispered Arnold not to
-say anything; but he, knowing no reason why he should be silent, replied
-as I have stated, and thereby drew on himself the extreme anger and
-indignation of the General. 'Do you mean seriously to tell me that, sir?
-Do you mean to say that the small men of these days pretend to be wiser
-than Sir Isaac Newton, the greatest philosopher the world ever produced?
-He never said that there were sixty-three elements, and you, a youth not
-twenty, just free from the pedagogue's ferula--you pretend to be wiser
-than that great man, and all your seniors beside.'
-
-Arnold was going to say something, when luckily the General stopped him
-with a violent gesture and angry visage, saying: 'Go home, sir, and if
-you learn nothing else, learn a little respect for your superiors.' Poor
-Arnold was kindly hustled out of the mess-house where this little
-episode occurred, lest, as one of his friends from the Land of Cakes
-said, 'waur should come of it.'
-
-The General seemed to be partial to Aristotle and his philosophy,
-although he was not able to read the easiest class-book in the original
-language. He had, however, made acquaintance with the famous old Greek
-through the medium of translations, and was ever ready to do battle in
-his defence.
-
-He fought furiously on one occasion to prove that Nature abhors a
-vacuum, and stormed so violently against those who expressed any doubts
-as to the accuracy of the dogma, that the innocent old philosopher, who
-had been at rest since the days of Alexander, might really have thought
-that his disciple meant to harry him out of his grave, such was the din
-and uproar made. And when the doctor of the regiment presumed to suggest
-that Torricelli had proved that it was the pressure of the atmosphere
-that had produced the phenomena that Aristotle had mistaken for Nature's
-abhorrence of a vacuum, the unfortunate man received such a torrent of
-abuse, delivered with such tremendous emphasis and vociferation, and
-such tremendous gestures, that he was glad to make his escape, as soon
-as he could find an opportunity, without saying another word. But he did
-not depart without receiving a closing broadside from the General. 'I
-should advise you, Mr. Cutter, in future,' said the General, 'to be
-cautious how you expose yourself to the ridicule of your friends, and to
-beware of venturing on such a palpable absurdity as to compare a paltry
-Italian fellow, like your Torricelli, with one of the sages of
-antiquity; perhaps I might say, considering Aristotle as the founder of
-the syllogistic method of reasoning, the greatest of those great men.'
-
-Cutter departed, after making his salute, a wiser and a sadder man,
-whispering to the Adjutant as he went out: 'O tempora! O mores! Well, he
-did not eat me alive, which I thought at one time he was inclined to
-do.' As Cutter left the mess-house, the General observed: 'What a silly
-conceited little fellow that is to presume to enter on subjects of which
-he evidently knows nothing! I shouldn't wonder, in his impudence, that
-this little carver of human flesh would impugn the syllogistic method,
-although it has been adopted and followed at both our great seats of
-learning and knowledge.'
-
-'I greatly fear, General,' said Wagner, the Adjutant, 'that if you
-question him you'll find Cutter as much a heretic in this matter as in
-that of the vacuum.'
-
-'Oh, he is, is he?' said the General. 'Well, tell him to dispute the
-following: "All men are liable to error; in other words, all men are
-more or less unwise and foolish. Cutter is a man, therefore he is unwise
-and foolish." There,' said the General; 'let him digest that at his
-leisure.'
-
-'I heard him the other day,' said Wagner, 'trying to apply the
-syllogistic method to a saying of some old fellow of Crete, who said
-that "all the Cretans were liars," and he bothered me by asking whether
-the Cretan spoke the truth. I told him I couldn't tell. "Not tell?" said
-he. "Why, if the first proposition was true, then the gentleman who
-announced it, being a Cretan, must be a liar; and if that proposition
-was not true, then he was equally a liar for having spoken a falsehood."
-I confess I couldn't make anything more of it; but perhaps, General, as
-you understand the syllogistic method so well, you could make something
-of it.'
-
-General B. looked hard at Lieutenant Wagner, but for a time said
-nothing, and then said: 'Well, I'll think of it.'
-
-Wagner during the whole time preserved a most imperturbably serious
-countenance. When the General was gone, Archer, the Quartermaster, said
-to Wagner: 'Well, you have the cheek of the devil, Wagner; but take care
-that you don't one of these fine days come to grief. I half suspect that
-at one time he thought you were laughing at him.'
-
-'Laughing at him!' exclaimed Wagner. 'How could you imagine such a
-thing? I'd as soon laugh at a boa constrictor when he had his folds
-round me.'
-
-'Well, well,' returned Archer, 'so be it; but pray be careful, and
-remember that however ridiculous his pretensions to learning or science
-may be, he'll be a very ugly customer to deal with.'
-
-'Ugly enough, certainly,' added Wagner, and then walked off. And so this
-dialogue ended.
-
-On another occasion a very hot passage of arms occurred between the
-General and Colonel P. on the then vexed question of the relative
-superiority of the two arms--cavalry and infantry. The great
-improvements made since that day in the manufacture of small arms have
-put that question to rest, but at the time here referred to there were
-high authorities and great names on both sides.
-
-General B., who had been a cavalry officer, insisted vehemently on the
-superiority of mounted men, declaring that it was simply nonsense to
-dispute the point, and that a cavalry charge would always break any
-square or infantry formation if made with sufficient impetuosity and
-pushed home as it might be. At first no one, as most of those present
-knew the General's amiable temper and pleasant mode of arguing against
-those who differed from him, said anything. The General, taking silence
-for consent, rattled away at a great rate, bespattering all who could
-entertain any other opinion than his own very handsomely--blind and
-prejudiced buzzards, owls who loved the dark, gentlemen whose long ears
-betrayed their nature, etc., etc. 'Well, at least it's satisfactory to
-find,' he concluded, 'that I have knocked the nonsense out of some who
-formerly held opposite opinions.'
-
-This was too much for poor Colonel Pertinacity, who could hold his peace
-no longer. 'If, General Bluster, your remarks have any reference to me,
-which I can hardly suppose, I am still unwilling to let you think that I
-have altered my opinion as to the superiority of infantry over every
-other arm used in modern warfare.'
-
-'Well, sir,' said the General, 'I can only say I am sorry for you; I had
-incautiously given you credit for being wiser.'
-
-'And I, in reply,' said the Colonel, 'beg of you to reserve your sorrow,
-as I do not think that I stand in need of it in the slightest degree
-while the Duke of Wellington and other great men are of my opinion. You
-may well spare your sorrow.'
-
-The General, under great excitement, very red in the face, exclaimed:
-'The Duke, sir, has never expressed any decisive opinion on the subject.
-Show me where he has done so.'
-
-'He _has_ expressed a very decisive opinion by his deeds, General,'
-replied Colonel P. 'Our squares at Waterloo resisted all the desperate
-charges of the French cuirassiers and other kinds of cavalry.'
-
-'And if they did, sir, what's that to the argument?' replied the
-General. 'If the French had been in square, and our cavalry had been
-numerous enough, and had charged them thoroughly home, the opposite
-result would have been obtained.'
-
-'It might have been so, General,' observed the Colonel, 'but I don't
-admit that it would have been so.'
-
-'Of course you don't,' said the General, with a withering sneer; 'I
-never expected that you would. But you are not ignorant, I suppose, that
-one even of our regiments was nearly cut to pieces by the French cavalry
-at Quatre Bras?'
-
-'True, General, I am not ignorant of the fact; but you seem to have
-forgotten that this occurred because the regiment was charged before it
-had time to form square.'
-
-'And I say,' shouted out the General with an infuriated look and manner,
-'that if the charge had been made, as it ought and could have been made,
-that the result would and ought to have been the same.' (The Colonel
-shook his head). 'It is useless to shake your head, sir. Independent of
-the common-sense of the thing there are proofs without number to be
-adduced that show the superiority of the cavalry arm over the infantry.
-You are fond of examples and of authorities? Pray how did Condé win the
-battle of Rocroi, and how did he break the Spanish infantry, considered
-then the best in Europe?' And with a triumphant laugh: 'Tell me, sir,
-how did Bonaparte retrieve his lost battle of Marengo? Was Kellermann's
-charge one of cavalry or infantry? Tell me that, sir.'
-
-Colonel P., however, stood his ground firmly in spite of this deluge of
-words and array of facts; and without imitating the General's insulting
-manner, said: 'The battle of Rocroi was fought in days when the mode of
-warfare and the power of the weapons used was very different from those
-now employed; it is for these reasons scarcely applicable to the
-argument.'
-
-The General laughed, saying: 'Of course you think it inapplicable; but,
-come, sir, what do you say to the charge at Marengo--was that
-inapplicable too?'
-
-'No, General, certainly not; but it was made under most favourable
-circumstances for its success. The Austrian troops were in such an
-extended and attenuated line that they could make no adequate
-resistance, and the French squadrons rode through them as they would
-through a field of stubble.'
-
-'As I would ride through you and your infantry people,' added the
-General, 'if they were opposed to me.'
-
-The Colonel, whose blood was now thoroughly roused, laughed scornfully,
-saying: 'I should be sorry for your own sake, General, and that of your
-men, that you should try such an experiment, for you would never live to
-try another; aye, even if we were in line; but if we were in square we
-should drive you before us like chaff before the wind.'
-
-'Very good, sir, very good,' said the General, scarcely able to
-articulate from rage. 'Go to your quarters, and remain there till I
-ascertain from the Chief if he approves of such language and behaviour
-to the officer commanding the division.'
-
-The Colonel was about to reply, when a man of herculean strength,
-Captain Carter, Adjutant-General of Division, acting as if by order of
-the General, said: 'You are to come with me, Colonel,' and actually by
-main force almost carried him out of the room. As he was forcing the
-Colonel away, he whispered: 'Are you mad? Do you want to give him such
-an advantage over you as will end by depriving you of your commission?
-For God's sake, Colonel, collect yourself; he'll stop at nothing now.'
-
-This encounter between the General and Colonel Pertinacity caused
-another reference to the Chief of the Madras Army, a man of great
-experience, enlarged mind, and kindly disposition, who entirely
-disapproved of the conduct both of the General and the Colonel. To each
-of these officers he gave very sound advice, strongly urging on them the
-necessity of altering their behaviour towards one another. The Chief
-added his hope that he should not again be troubled by any such
-unbecoming and indecorous altercations, but that if, contrary to his
-instructions and commands, there should be any recurrence of such
-doings, it would be his duty to submit the whole matter to the
-consideration of H.R.H. the Commander-in-Chief of the British Army.
-
-As well might Mrs. Partington with her mop attempt to stop the ocean's
-incoming tide, as the Commander-in-Chief of the Madras Army attempt, by
-command or recommendations, to restrain and subdue the angry passions of
-these two disputants. His advice and injunctions, embodied in the words
-self-control, common-sense, and good temper, were thrown away upon them.
-Both parties prepared long statements setting forth their views and
-feelings, and explanatory of their real or supposed injuries. Both
-prayed that these papers might be laid before H.R.H., along with such
-remarks as H.E. the C.C. of Madras might please to make. The General's
-statement was little more than a recapitulation of what he had said
-before. The Colonel's was also in great part a recapitulation, one
-passage excepted, which so forcibly expressed the writer's feelings as
-to deserve quotation. It was introduced as the climax of a long
-description of his wrongs and sufferings, and it was couched in these
-words: 'I do assure your R.H. that an angel from heaven could not serve
-under General Sir Blundermore Bluster.'
-
-These papers, after more than one kindly attempt on the part of
-authority and of friends to prevent their going forward, were at last
-sent home, and in due time we shall see what H.R.H. thought of the
-proceedings they set forth.
-
-In the meantime we will for the present remain with General Sir B. B.,
-and listen to the remarks he is uttering as he stamps about the
-mess-room. He did not even wait till Colonel P. was out of it before he
-turned to Wagner, and said: 'Really, in the whole course of my
-experience, I never knew anything to equal Colonel P.'s behaviour; one
-would almost think that he was bereft of his senses. I do not say
-anything of his disrespect to me--that must be left to the authorities
-to pronounce upon; but to make such an _exposé_ of his ignorance and
-want of knowledge on matters pertaining to his profession is not only
-lamentable, but in the highest degree absurd.'
-
-'I cannot help thinking, General, that such exposure is absurd,' replied
-Wagner.
-
-'Absurd, indeed,' said the General, 'absurd and ridiculous.'
-
-'Yes,' answered Wagner, 'very ridiculous; I fancy we all thought so.'
-
-'Of course you did; I don't see how you could think anything else. And
-before officers immediately under his command, too; it's much to be
-lamented, but, notwithstanding, I can't help saying it is very
-ridiculous.'
-
-'No doubt, General, truly ridiculous.' Wagner was now almost _in
-extremis_; something affected his articulation so that he could scarcely
-speak, and it seemed that it would have been impossible for him to have
-sustained his part much longer. Luckily the General himself came to his
-relief in an unexpected way. 'Wagner,' said he, 'you're a very sensible
-fellow, come and dine with me to-morrow at 6.30 precise, and I'll give
-you a glass of burgundy to moisten your clay with.' Wagner replied by a
-very low bow, and without raising his head managed to get out, 'Very
-happy, General.' Then waving his hand to all present with a 'Good
-morning, gentlemen,' the General departed.
-
-As soon as his carriage drove off every soul in the mess-room indulged
-in repeated bursts of laughter; Wagner more uproariously than any of
-them. After the cachinnation had subsided, one of them said: 'There must
-be something in your face, Wagner, that fascinates and blinds old B., or
-he certainly would have seen that you were laughing at him; this is the
-second time you've done it.'
-
-'And,' continued Wagner, 'got an invitation to drink burgundy to reward
-me; but it's not my face, man, fascinating as it may be, that has done
-it; it's his own superlative conceit and ignorance that have blinded
-him. But, by Jove! I was nearly overpowered this time. I don't think I
-could have kept my countenance another minute to save my existence.'
-
-'Don't tempt fate again, that's my advice,' replied his friend. 'Drink
-the old fellow's burgundy whenever he gives you the chance, but don't
-laugh at him before his face any more; for, if he detects you, you'll
-find he'll ruin you; conceited and of meagre attainments though he may
-be, he knows military law, and how to work it against anyone who offends
-him. Men of his stamp, who have little or nothing but their physical
-strength to boast of, never forget or forgive being laughed at. He never
-stopped till he got poor Banter out of the service. Remember, it's not
-worth while to give up your commission for a laugh.'
-
-'Well, Archer, I am schooled, and promise to be careful, and, as you
-advise, never to laugh at him again before his face. Good manners be my
-speed; but you don't object to my doing it behind his back, that's some
-comfort.'
-
-'So ho!' said Archer, 'you're quibbling. I want you to keep out of
-danger; you know best whether laughing under any circumstances at a man
-like that, considering his and your position, will help you to keep out
-of danger.'
-
-'Amen, so be it!' said Wagner. 'I'll henceforth be as grave as an owl,
-and as silent as a clock that isn't wound up.' So ended the colloquy
-between the young Adjutant and his friend Archer.
-
-Shortly after the scene just described, General B. was ordered to act
-for General Somers in the Presidency Division. This was joyful news to
-all stationed in the Southern Division, and the reverse to those
-stationed in the Presidency Division.
-
-Within a month after General Bluster had taken up the command at the
-Presidency, the season for making his tour of inspection arrived, and he
-accordingly visited in succession all the stations within his range;
-amongst the rest that of Wallajahbad, forty miles from Madras, but once
-a frontier station, at the time spoken of merely a sick depôt for the
-Company's invalid officers and Sepoys, who had returned sick from
-foreign service, or for troops suffering from fever and other complaints
-which induced the medical officers of their regiments to recommend them
-a change of climate.
-
-When the General visited this cantonment there were only two effective
-officers in the station, the Doctor and the cantonment Adjutant; the two
-others were non-effective--invalids, Colonel H., commanding the
-cantonment, and Lieutenant C., who sometimes put the company of invalid
-Sepoys stationed there through their drill. The Doctor and the Adjutant
-had work enough on their hands, as there were often 600 men on the sick
-list, sometimes more than 1,000; but no other person had anything beyond
-the slightest routine work to do, and very little of that. Colonel H.,
-though married, was a man who thought of little else than gratifying his
-animal passions--_more canino_, the expression of his features plainly
-demonstrated these propensities, and his language, which was scarcely
-ever anything but obscene, fully confirmed the facial indication.
-
-On the occasion of the General's advent, this pleasant gentleman invited
-the Doctor and his wife and Lieutenant C. to dine with him, to meet the
-General. I give these paltry details because it affords the reader an
-opportunity of seeing General B. in private society, and in the company
-of ladies. Mrs. H., during the dinner, and as long as she stayed
-afterwards, said very little. Colonel H. said nothing, except to agree
-with the General whatever the subject or statement might be. The
-Doctor's wife was the only person who maintained anything that might be
-called general conversation. The Doctor himself at first said very
-little, having had at his hospital a small sample of General B.'s
-amiable temper and manner.
-
-This little display arose thus: The General asked how many sick he had
-(the report had been placed in his hands almost immediately after he
-reached the hospital; this he did not look at, but after folding it up
-placed it in a letter-case carried by an orderly). The Doctor answered:
-'Nearly 700, General.' 'What do you mean by nearly, sir?' said the
-questioner. 'Answer my question, and state the precise number.' 'Six
-hundred and seventy-nine, sir,' replied the surgeon. 'How can that be,
-sir? You have nothing like that number in hospital.' 'No, General, only
-130, which is all the hospital will hold without injurious crowding.'
-'Oh, that's all it will hold, is it? But I see some empty beds; how do
-you account for that?' 'Patients dismissed this morning, General.' 'But
-you say you have near 700 sick, and only 130 in hospital; what do you do
-with the 500 and odd remaining?' 'They are on the convalescent list,
-General.' 'On the convalescent list! I ask you what you do with them.'
-'They live in the Lines, General.' 'And do you visit them in the Lines?'
-'When any of them are ill enough to require visiting in the Lines I do
-visit them, and then send them into hospital. Those who suffer from
-chronic ailments, or from debility, attend at the hospital as desired.'
-'As desired!' repeated the General. 'Pray, sir, what kind of phrase is
-that? What am I to understand by it?' 'As often as is considered
-desirable, General.' 'D----n it, sir, what _do_ you mean? Do you mean
-once a day, or every other day, or twice a week? What do you mean? Why
-don't you try and speak plain English?' 'Some of them do come every
-morning, some every other morning, some twice a week, and some once a
-week,' replied the Doctor. 'Upon my word, sir, you have a nice way of
-doing your duty, seeing your patients once a week, and the others as you
-please, in order to shuffle through your work with the least trouble to
-yourself.' 'Pardon me, General. I try to do my work conscientiously,
-without any reference to personal trouble.' 'No, sir, I won't pardon
-you; but I'll make you do your duty as it ought to be done. Now mind,
-sir, I will not allow any convalescent list, and you see every one of
-your patients every day. Mind that, sir.' 'Very good, General, but where
-am I to see them? The hospital will not hold more than 130.' 'Don't
-attempt to make idle objections, sir; it's your business to find a place
-to put your patients in. Indent on the commissariat for hospital tents.
-Ask the cantonment Adjutant for help; he can, I dare say, find some
-unoccupied building, or can obtain the use of tents. What do you say,
-Adjutant?' 'It was formerly, General, the practice to use tents for this
-sick-depôt, but when the hospital was built this practice was ordered to
-be discontinued, as the outlay for the purchase and wear and tear of
-tents was very considerable.' 'And pray, Adjutant,' said the General,
-looking disgusted, 'why did you not tell me that before?' 'This is the
-first opportunity I've had to tell it, General.' 'Well, however it is
-managed I will allow no convalescent list. You, sir,' turning to the
-Doctor, 'do you hear that?' 'I hear, General.' 'And mind you obey it, or
-it will be worse for you.' The Doctor bowed, but made no reply.
-
-The General then departed with Colonel H. The cantonment Adjutant
-lingered behind to whisper to the Doctor: 'Don't be uneasy; you'll see
-this will be only a flash in the pan. The good folks at headquarters
-won't sanction the extra expenditure that this impracticable old
-gentleman wishes to lead them into. He wants to make the regulations for
-effective men applicable to a sick-depôt, and you'll see he'll be
-overruled. Good-bye.'
-
-With the remembrance of the General's pleasant manner in the morning
-fresh in his mind, it is not to be wondered at that the Doctor was
-taciturn during the dinner; but being an easy, good-tempered little
-fellow, he accepted the General's challenge to a glass of wine as a sort
-of apology for his rudeness at hospital, and began to keep his thoughts
-under less restraint; and as the wine circulated after the departure of
-the ladies, the conversation turned on the behaviour of a certain
-General Lloyd. This, not supposing he should give offence, the Doctor
-condemned from beginning to end somewhat freely. Whether it was that
-General Lloyd was a countryman, or whether the wine began to tell, or
-whether it was merely the inherent temper of the man which excited his
-determination to lay down the law on all subjects, or, as his victim,
-poor Banter, said of him, that 'he would not allow anyone to call his
-soul his own,' I am not able to explain; but certain it is that the
-Doctor's expression of opinion excited his anger and indignation in a
-high degree, which he gave vent to in the following manner:
-
-'On my life, sir, you are a modest young man,' was his opening speech,
-which he continued thus: 'Your own profession and your own duties are
-not enough for you to attend to, but you must entertain your seniors and
-superior military men, whose experience and rank and knowledge of
-military matters should give some assurance of their competence to
-understand and judge in such a case, with your sapient notions; you must
-give them your views and opinions, and on matters which neither your
-education nor training can possibly give you the means of judging or
-criticising justly. In taking upon you to pronounce on the conduct of a
-General of Division, in the presence of an officer of equal rank, you
-assume a position that is highly disrespectful and offensive, and in
-doing so you have exhibited your ignorance no less than your conceit and
-presumption. You, a subaltern, not a military man even of the lowest
-grade; you, who are merely a carver of human flesh, your assurance is
-astounding!'
-
-The Doctor, who had until now exhibited remarkable command of temper,
-could bear no more. He said: 'General, I thought I was at a private
-party, where freedom of opinion was allowed, and not in the
-orderly-room, in speaking of General Lloyd. I meant no offence to
-anyone; certainly not to you. If I have given you offence, I regret it;
-it was wholly unintentional. With reference to being a carver of human
-flesh, I do dissect or carve, as you please to term it, dead human flesh
-to learn to heal and cure live human flesh. But are not those who wield
-the sabre only to maim and kill live human beings more truly carvers of
-human flesh than medical men are?'
-
-The General absolutely foamed at the mouth with rage and fury. He had
-been a dragoon, and had on several occasions wielded his sabre with most
-unsparing vigour; he therefore felt the retort keenly. His eyes glared,
-and he looked like a tiger going to spring. Whether he would have
-proceeded to assault and battery is uncertain; but Colonel H., going at
-this moment round to the Doctor, said: 'I have forgotten Mrs. H.'s
-request--I ought to have told you before--that she is by no means well,
-and wishes to see you as soon as you can leave the table. She was ill
-before she rose from her place; pray go at once.' Accordingly the Doctor
-left the table at once.
-
-Having seen General B. in the mess-room, at the hospital, and in
-private society, we trace him again to Trichinopoly, and again in the
-mess-room of H.M.'s ---- Regiment. He had returned to his old division
-when relieved from acting in the Presidency Division by the return of
-General Somers, and we find him again in the mess-room, where all his
-old acquaintances and Colonel P. were assembled, in order to hear the
-decision of H.R.H. the Commander-in-Chief of H.M.'s Forces. It was to be
-read out in the presence of all officers bearing H.M.'s commission who
-might at the time be in Trichinopoly.
-
-This decision of H.R.H. was just what might have been expected--calm,
-wise, authoritative, and, though severely minatory, in the end
-generously lenient. It was too long to be given verbatim, or even in
-detail; a brief abstract is all that can be attempted. It expressed the
-extreme displeasure of the Chief towards both the General and Colonel
-P., and his surprise that senior officers should not know how to
-restrain their irascible feelings towards one another when they must be
-aware that concord and harmony were essential to the preservation of
-discipline and the welfare of the service at large. So strongly did
-H.R.H. condemn such evil example that he had determined to remove both
-offenders from the army, and nothing but the fact that they had both
-fought and bled for their sovereign and their country induced him to
-forego the infliction of a punishment which was fully deserved. H.R.H.
-added that he felt offended and indignant that his time should have been
-taken up in reading long statements relating to such trivial matters as
-personal disputes. He was resolved that nothing of the kind should occur
-again without bringing down immediate removal from the service. He had
-been asked for a decision on the merits of the case. He would give no
-such decision. He found so much to blame in the conduct of both officers
-that he would not waste his time in sifting and weighing their conduct
-so as to determine which of them had behaved the worse. He enjoined
-strict attention to the advice offered some time previously by the
-Commander-in-Chief of the Madras Army, and especially to that contained
-in a letter from that officer under date so-and-so. Finally, that he
-should regard a strict adherence to those recommendations as indicative
-of a desire to carry out his injunction to preserve discipline and
-concord, and vice-versâ in the case of any departure from, or any
-non-adherence to, them. He concluded by informing them that their
-conduct would be under strict supervision for some time to come.
-
-When the General ceased there was a stir, and evident rejoicing amongst
-all present. The admirable sense and sound logic of the despatch, with
-the extreme kindness and leniency of the decision, was the theme of
-eulogy with all, and warm congratulations, both to the General and
-Colonel P., were offered by all who were on terms to do so.
-
-After the excitement had a little subsided, the scene occurred which led
-the writer (who was _en route_ to Madras, halting three days at
-Trichinopoly) to investigate and make inquiries. Thus he became
-acquainted with the antecedents of the officers who figured in it.
-
-It commenced in this way: The General, after having read out the C.C.'s
-communication, continued for some minutes silent, walking up and down
-with the despatch in his hand. At length he stopped, and spoke to the
-following effect:
-
-'Gentlemen, I can fully understand the generosity of H.R.H. as shown in
-this despatch. I admire and appreciate his delicacy and his kindness. He
-would give no decision on the merits of the case. No, no; how could he,
-having in his magnanimous clemency decided not to inflict the punishment
-due to ill-regulated and ill-considered behaviour?' (Sensation amongst
-the officers present). 'For myself, gentlemen, I am quite willing and
-content to bear the share of blame that has been awarded to me, in the
-thought that, by doing so, I have helped a brother officer out of a very
-dangerous position.' Signs of impatience on the part of Colonel
-Pertinacity, of which the General took no notice, but continued thus:
-'Yes, gentlemen, I say, under the circumstances adverted to, I
-willingly--nay, cheerfully--accept the share of blame attributed to me,
-and am resolved to set the example in obeying and following out the
-advice tendered by his Excellency the C.C. of this army, especially
-since my attention has been so pointedly directed to it by the
-recommendation of H.R.H.
-
-'Colonel Pertinacity, you have heard what H.E. the C.C. of Madras says,
-and also what H.R.H. says respecting it? I trust you will meet me half
-way in showing obedience to it.'
-
-'Most certainly, General B. I shall pay the strictest obedience to it,
-in spite of the one-sided remarks you have thought proper to make in
-your present address, in which, I must in my own defence say, you were
-not borne out by the despatch you hold in your hand.'
-
-'Oh, Colonel P!--Colonel P.! is this the way you carry out H.R.H.'s
-instructions? You provoke me beyond endurance; but I will not say
-another word that is calculated to bring on a rejoinder. In spite of
-what has been said, I believe you do mean to obey H.R.H., therefore I
-offer you my hand.'
-
-Now, to the understanding of the pantomime that followed it is needful
-to state that the General stood at the top of the room, and on either
-side stood seven or eight officers disposed according to their rank. On
-the right hand, at the head of those on that side, stood Colonel P.,
-distant from the General about three paces. The General, holding out
-his hand, made a step towards the Colonel, repeating: 'Colonel P., here
-is my hand.' But the Colonel made no sign of acceptance, and when the
-General approached nearer to him, he put his hands behind him, and, as
-the General followed him, backed down the room in that position, bowing
-to the General, and saying as he did so: 'You must excuse me, General
-B.; I cannot take your hand.'
-
-'Come, Colonel. What, will you not obey the orders of H.R.H.? Come.'
-
-'No, General B.; I cannot take your hand. I am nowhere called upon to do
-that by H.R.H., but I will obey to the last point all I am called upon
-to do.'
-
-The moving scene continued, both the retreat and advance, and appeared
-to the lookers on so intensely comical that they scarcely dared to look
-at one another.
-
-While the retreating Colonel was reiterating his determination to obey
-the orders of H.R.H., and exclaiming: 'I will obey--indeed I will. On my
-honour, General, I will obey!' Wagner whispered to the officer standing
-nearest to him: 'Private theatricals--kiss and be friends. Acted for the
-first time by field officers for the amusement of a select audience.'
-
-'Hush! Hush!' said Archer.
-
-By this time the two performers had approached the lower end of the
-room, where Wagner was standing; the short, fat Colonel, with his hands
-behind him, his dress coat-tails spread, one on either side of that
-portion of his person rendered prominent by his bowing posture, and not
-posterior but anterior by the back step mode of progression. The sight
-presented was altogether too much for Wagner's equanimity. He again
-whispered to Archer: 'Heaven preserve us! I have served in the trenches
-at Sebastopol, and thought I was acquainted with every kind of explosive
-missile, bomb, and shell in use; but anything so large and formidable
-as that now slowly ricochetting this way I never beheld. Pray God its
-force is spent. If an accident should occur, only think what would be
-our fate!'
-
-'Hold still, Wagner! Will you never get sense?' retorted his friend.
-
-At this point the General, beginning to perceive the absurdity of the
-situation, ceased to advance, and, drawing himself up stiffly, said:
-'You refuse my hand, Colonel Pertinacity? So be it, then; you ought to
-know the responsibility you incur by this line of conduct, and I shall
-press you no further. I waived my rank for the sake of peace, and to set
-you an example which, I am sorry to see, you are unable to appreciate.'
-So saying, and with a salute to all present, he marched off, as Archer
-said, 'with the honours of war.'
-
-'No, no,' said Wagner. 'With the honours of peace. And a more
-entertaining _piece_ I must confess I never witnessed. What I endured in
-conquering my desire to laugh no one can imagine; but, say as you will,
-I don't believe all the sufferings of all the martyrs were anything to
-be compared to it.'
-
-These private theatricals were, so far as ever I could learn, never made
-known officially to headquarters; but it was strongly suspected that the
-details of the performance somehow or other oozed out, and found their
-way to the ears of authority, for within a week after the date on which
-this remarkable _pas de deux_ had been exhibited in the mess-house at
-Trichinopoly, General Somers was posted to the Mysore Division, and
-General B. was appointed to the Presidency Division, as it was said,
-that he might be under the eye of the C.C., on the principle that
-induces men to put a severe muzzle on a savage and intractable dog.
-Colonel Pertinacity was, not many months afterwards, placed in command
-of a regiment ordered to the West Indies.
-
-
-
-
-No. X.
-
-CURIOUS MOPLAH CUSTOMS.
-
-
-The deed of violence which forms the basis of this narrative took place
-at Tollicherry, or rather in that district. How it was that my brother
-came to be stationed there will appear in due course. We left him at
-Bangalore, from whence he marched with his regiment to Secunderabad. He
-had not been there many months when an order was received directing the
-regiment to proceed with all possible speed to Scinde, where troops were
-urgently required. Some weeks before the order in question reached
-Secunderabad, my brother, finding that the climate of the Deccan did not
-agree with him, had applied for and obtained medical charge of the
-Zillah of Tollicherry; but as soon as he heard there was a chance of
-being engaged in active service, he had applied for permission to throw
-up the Zillah and to proceed with his regiment, and this was granted. He
-had, consequently, marched with the regiment from Secunderabad to
-Doolia, a distance of 600 miles, on the road for Scinde. The men had
-shown the best spirit, urged by their officers to do their utmost, and
-knowing that they were going to serve under Sir Charles Napier. They had
-accomplished the distance in an incredibly short period, but all their
-exertions, as it turned out, were of no avail. Sir Charles had fought
-his grand battle of Miani, and the regiment was no longer wanted.
-
-With this chilling news came the order to halt and to divide. One wing
-was to remain at Doolia, the other to proceed to Assurghur. There never
-was such a melancholy change among officers and men as that produced by
-this order. Previous to its receipt there was not an officer or man on
-sick report; all were in the highest spirits, and, in spite of fatigue,
-earnest to get on, lively, cheerful, and happy. In a few hours there was
-neither a happy face nor a cheerful voice to be seen or heard.
-Disappointment, vexation, and dejection were on every countenance. In a
-few days half the regiment was in hospital, and nearly half the officers
-on sick report. My poor brother had a sad time of it; besides his own
-share of vexation and disappointment, he was worked off his legs.
-
-Now he renewed his application for the Zillah of Tollicherry, which, in
-consideration of the proper feeling he had displayed, was again bestowed
-on him. To reach this station, from the place where he then was
-(Doolia), he had to travel 200 miles to Bombay, and from thence to
-proceed by sea to Tollicherry, a distance of about 800 miles. At that
-time the south-west monsoon was close at hand, and my brother,
-consequently, found it very difficult to procure a vessel that would
-undertake the voyage. At last, by paying double hire, he chartered a
-_Satamar_ (called by the natives a Fatty mary), the owners and the
-serang engaging to take the risk, which in the sequel proved to be so
-fearful that it seems a miracle how ship or crew ever lived through it.
-
-On the day that my brother set sail from Bombay the sky was, after
-mid-day, more or less overcast; towards the evening the sun appeared
-through the dense atmosphere to be almost of a blood-red hue, and the
-edges of the clouds of a deep copper colour. A little later the sun
-became to a great extent obscured and hidden by a mass of clouds, so
-much tinged by dusky red that the dark gray tone was almost
-extinguished. As the mighty orb sank below the horizon, the red,
-crimson, and copper tones quickly disappeared, except on the under
-surfaces of some clouds high above the sea-line, and darkness spread
-with extreme rapidity over everything, while a low moaning and fitful
-whistling of the wind seemed to presage a struggle of the powers, which
-from the beginning of the world has been attended with such fearful
-results. The aspect of the heavens, the moaning of the wind, and the
-uneasy motion of the waters, were not lost on the serang and his native
-sailors. They took in all sail except a small triangular one, a sort of
-apology for what we call a mainstay sail, to enable them to keep the
-ship's head to the wind. They then lashed the salankeen to the deck, and
-awaited with awe the bursting of the storm. It commenced with a perfect
-deluge of rain, blinding flashes of long-forked lightning, followed
-almost instantaneously by such rattling sharp crashes of thunder as for
-a time to take away the sense of hearing.
-
-Sea and sky were wrapped in total darkness, when not illumined by the
-zigzag lines of lightning. The wind now increased, and the sea became
-dangerously rough and angry. Had the wind gone on increasing, bark and
-crew must have perished; but mercifully, it did not, its low muttering,
-moaning, or occasional whistling note was heard at intervals; still it
-never blew hard and furious as it threatened to do. The darkness, the
-downpour of rain, the lightning and the thunder, continued, while now
-and then a sea, and constantly the spray, swept over the vessel; for
-though the wind did not increase, the sea had been so raised, and the
-waves had become so threatening, that during two hours, while the worst
-of the storm lasted, my brother expected every moment that some
-overwhelming sea would whirl the unhappy _Satamar_ into the depths
-below.
-
-The storm had commenced a little after the sun had gone down, and
-darkness had covered everything; then the furious rain descending in
-sheets of water, with lightning streams and deafening thunder, had
-continued at short intervals for three hours, and the sea had got up.
-Everything depended on the increase of the wind, and for two hours more
-there was nothing less than the prospect of instant death present to the
-minds of all on board. Shortly after midnight the violence of the storm
-began to abate; the wind, instead of increasing gradually, subsided; the
-rain was less like a deluge; the flashes and streams of lightning were
-less frequent and less vivid; the crashes of thunder less sharp, and
-evidently more distant; but the sea did not go down. Nevertheless the
-magnitude and the violence of the masses of water that rose and fell
-were less appalling and less frequent.
-
-It was now about half-past two, and there was an interval in the fall of
-rain (the first that had occurred). The sea no longer came sweeping over
-the deck, though the spray still kept everything wet, but the worst was
-over, and my brother had lain down to sleep. He was awakened by the
-serang with a native compass in his hand, followed by a sailor who was
-holding up a lantern to enable my brother to see the card. The vessel
-had been running down the coast, not very far from shore; but now a new
-peril presented itself.
-
-The darkness was less complete, and was rapidly becoming less and less;
-this change enabled the natives to perceive something white not far
-ahead; they knew at once that it was the foam of breakers caused by a
-reef of rocks, on which if they kept their course they would certainly
-strike. They could not sail towards the land, as the coast is rock-bound
-almost everywhere, and they dreaded pointing the head of the ship out to
-the broad ocean. It is ever the custom with native mariners to hug the
-land, so in their distress, and seeing the breakers ahead, they had
-come to ask directions from their passenger, though they knew he was a
-hakim and not a sailor; but such was their respect for the knowledge of
-Europeans, that they thought he must know what was best to do. My
-brother at once directed them, in spite of their fears, to point the
-head of the brave little craft that had stood the storm so well out to
-sea, and such was their confidence in his wisdom that they at once did
-as he desired. Having thus avoided the rocks, and seen the head of the
-vessel pointed away from land, my brother again lay down to sleep.
-
-Two hours had scarcely elapsed before he was again awakened by the
-serang with the compass in his hand. It was now light enough to see
-everything with perfect ease. The sea all round was comparatively calm,
-but the land was not to be seen. This it was that had again excited the
-fears of the crew, and had led them to appeal again to the European. On
-learning the cause of their fear, my brother directed them to put about
-and steer towards the land; they again obeyed, and again he went to
-sleep. At about half-past six a.m. he was awakened by sounds of
-rejoicing and singing, which he soon found arose from their sense of
-security, thankfulness, and gratification, at having again caught sight
-of the land. The sun was shining with power renewed, and everything was
-dazzlingly bright; even the light reflected from the sea was too much
-for the eye. The serang, however, soon rigged up a double awning which
-kept a part of the deck in shadow. This permitted my brother to take his
-breakfast comfortably. About midday they made the port of Goa, where he
-landed, but stayed there only to dine. In a couple of hours they were
-again at sea, and in two days more anchored at Tollicherry.
-
-As soon as his trunks were landed, my brother made the serang happy by a
-present of 5 Rs., and the sailors equally so by another 5 Rs., to be
-divided amongst them. While waiting at the Bunder-Major's office for
-bearers to carry himself and the palkee to the doctor's house, a peon,
-with spotless garments of white save a red shawl twisted round his
-waist, bearing an ebony sort of curved staff covered almost all over
-with silver, presented my brother, after many profound salaams, with a
-note from the First Judge of the Circuit, requesting that my brother and
-his wife would give him the pleasure of their company till they could
-find a house to suit them. This princely man added that he had ordered a
-suite of rooms to be got ready for their reception, as well as rooms for
-the children and the servants; finally, that he had sent two sets of
-bearers to bring up the palankeens, and that the peon would procure
-fresh sets of coolie bearers to bring up the children and the ayahs, as
-well as means for forwarding the luggage.
-
-On perusing this note, my brother jumped into his palankeen, which the
-Judge's bearers shouldered at once, and almost ran with it to the
-Judge's house, anxious to be the first to tell him that they had brought
-the new 'hakim saib.' On getting out of the palkee, my brother found Mr.
-V. waiting in the hall to welcome his guests. His first remark was,
-while extending his hand to my brother: 'But where's Mrs. ----?' The
-story of the going on active service, as it was supposed, and the
-impossibility under such circumstances of taking his wife with him, had
-then to be told. Mr. V. listened to the explanation, and then said: 'But
-where is she? Have you left her at Secunderabad all this time?' 'No,'
-replied my brother, 'she and the children have been staying at Anot,
-where her brother (in medical charge of the 5th Cavalry) is stationed.'
-'And when do you expect them here?' continued the Judge. 'Why,' returned
-my brother, 'that depends, I believe, on the safe accomplishment of a
-certain trouble that married people are occasionally subject to.' 'Oh!'
-said Mr. V., 'that's the state of the case, is it? Well, it can't be
-helped, I suppose; you must make yourself as comfortable as you can here
-till the lady arrives.'
-
-Mr. V. was not only a thorough gentleman in manner and exterior, but
-truly so in feeling; no one could be more unmindful of self, or more
-disposed to make everyone forget that he occupied the first position in
-the district. Frank, sociable, generous, and hospitable, as well as
-lively and good-humoured, he was a noble specimen of an Englishman, and
-a typical example of the best kind of the old Indian burra saib, a class
-that even in those days was fast disappearing, and cannot, I believe,
-now be found. My brother stayed with this kind and generous man during
-more than two months, and then he only succeeded in effecting his
-departure on the plea that he must prepare his house for the advent of
-his wife.
-
-While Mr. V.'s guest, my brother made the acquaintance of all the
-European residents at the station, paying and receiving the customary
-visits, all which matters of form my brother heartily detested: but the
-Medes and Persians of old were not more rigid in their laws than
-Anglo-Indians are in the matter of paying and returning visits. My
-brother, therefore, obeyed the _lex non scripta_ with as little delay as
-possible. He first made his bow to Mrs. A., the wife of the second
-Circuit Judge, a lady of whom it was whispered that she wore certain
-portions of costume generally considered to be _propria quæ maribus_.
-However this may have been, her husband, Mr. A., was a most kind and
-excellent man. Mrs. H., the wife of the third Judge, with her husband,
-both became valued friends. Both are doubtless gone to the 'better
-land,' therefore it would not be kind or wise to grieve for them.
-
-Next to the Circuit Judges comes the Zillah Judge, who was also a
-married man; consequently, to his house the hakim's palkee wended its
-way in due course. He found this lady so rigid in her religious opinions
-that she would not allow of any difference. On making this discovery he
-congratulated himself that she did not possess the power to enforce
-conformity; visions of solitary cells, bread and water, and other more
-dreadful pains and penalties, forcing themselves on his mind. Her
-husband seemed to be so far in leading strings as to have no opinions
-except those held by his wife; though, independent of this little
-weakness, he was very probably a good and estimable man. The expression
-of this gentleman's countenance was, however, usually so lugubrious and
-unhappy that my brother observed, when speaking of him: 'If his religion
-has the effect of making him as miserable as the expression of his
-features indicates, I very much doubt if it be the true religion,' and
-certainly the Zillah Judge's melancholy face did _countenance_ such an
-opinion.
-
-It is now time to speak of Mr. G., the sub-collector, who was as unlike
-Mr. H., the Zillah Judge, as it is possible for one man to be unlike
-another. Mr. G., to begin with, had no wife to save him the trouble of
-thinking on important matters, and was as good-humoured, jolly, and
-generous, as the other was melancholy and penurious. He was, moreover,
-as fond of fun as the other was fearful of it. H., in short, was a
-killjoy, and G. was a lovejoy. The consequence of these differences was
-that H. was not, generally speaking, a particular favourite, and G. was.
-
-The list of officials closes, I think, with the Master-Attendant, or
-Bunder-Major, as he was popularly termed. This old gentleman had been
-captain of a merchant vessel, and was therefore, by courtesy, always
-called Captain B. He was a red-faced, jolly-looking old tar, really
-good-natured and kind-hearted, but one who murdered his mother tongue
-at times in rather a determined manner. The letter V seemed to be
-particularly obnoxious to him. When speaking of a gentleman named
-Vaughan, he called him 'Waughan.' Or when speaking of several articles
-of different qualities, he expressed himself thus: 'Oh, there was a many
-on 'em of wery warious qualities!' The poor man had evidently come from
-before the mast, but he had the manliness not to deny it, or be ashamed
-of it; and he was, despite the murders he perpetrated daily, a sort of
-privileged character, and to a certain extent a favourite.
-
-Those not belonging to the list of officials may very soon be disposed
-of. Old Mr. B., a retired civilian, and his son, Henry, occupy the first
-place. The father was a jolly old _bon-vivant_, and had in his younger
-days, so it was said, been somewhat gay, if the word be accepted not in
-its literal sense, but in that in which it is usually employed in polite
-society. His son was a chip of the old block, and a bit of a scamp into
-the bargain. Mr. G., the German missionary, concludes the catalogue.
-This individual was in high favour with Mrs. A. and her husband, and
-with Mrs. H. and her husband.
-
-The catalogue of European residents being concluded, it remains to
-notice the Eurasians, the greater number of whom were descendants of
-Portuguese and natives. Most of these were mean, degraded, lazy
-individuals forming a section of the population not very much respected.
-Some, no doubt, were respectable persons, acting either as writers
-(clerks), or tradesmen, tailors, carpenters, etc. There were some few of
-the Eurasian class descended from Englishmen and native women, who were
-also employed as writers in the Circuit Court.
-
-One of these, a Mr. James, occasioned considerable amusement, both to
-the First Judge and to my brother, by presenting to the former a
-petition for a fortnight's leave of absence. Mr. James had found out
-that Mr. V. and his guest made it a regular practice to take an hour's
-constitutional walk every morning between 4.30 and 5.30, _i.e._, before
-the sun became unpleasant. The petitioner had made use of the
-opportunity afforded by this practice to prefer his request, which, as
-he removed his hat and made his best bow, he presented in the form of a
-petition, his face all the while radiant with smiles. Mr. V., without
-opening the paper, said: 'Well, Mr. James, what is the purport of the
-petition?' 'A supplication for leave, sir,' replied Mr. J., 'for a
-fortnight's leave.' 'This is a very unusual application, Mr. J., at this
-period of the session.' 'Yes, sir, I know it is somewhat unusual,'
-replied the petitioner; 'but still, sir, for the reasons assigned, I
-hope you'll be kind enough to grant it.' 'Well, what are the
-reasons?--state them.' Mr. J. had all this time been smiling blandly,
-and looking persuasively suppliant. Now he looked, in addition, not a
-little sheepish and ill at ease, shifting the weight of his person from
-one foot to the other. At last, he said: 'Would your honour cast your
-eyes on the paper?' 'What is it?' said Mr. V., 'are you ashamed to tell
-me?' 'No, sir, I'm not.' 'Then, why don't you tell me? The sun will be
-getting hot, and I can't delay my walk homeward any longer. Either tell
-me at once, or present your petition in Court before the business
-begins.'
-
-Mr. James, thus urged, smiling more than ever and looking more sheepish
-than ever, confessed that he wanted leave to get married. 'To get
-married!' repeated Mr. V., with almost a scream of laughter; 'surely,
-Mr. James, you don't mean that?' 'I beg you'll pardon me, sir, my
-proposals have been accepted, and the day for the ceremony has been
-fixed.' 'The day has been fixed, has it?' said Mr. V., greatly amused;
-'why, I should have thought, Mr. James, at your time of life you'd have
-given over all thought of such matters.' 'No, I haven't, sir,' replied
-the victim of the tender passion. 'No, you haven't,' said Mr. V., with
-renewed laughter. 'Why, what may be your age? It's in the register, you
-know, so you may as well tell it.' 'Why, sir,' said this ardent sample
-of humanity, 'I think I shall be seventy, or near it, next birthday.'
-Here my brother could contain himself no longer, and joined Mr. V. in a
-most uproarious fit of laughter. When the cachinnation was over, Mr. V.
-said: 'On my word, Mr. J., you are a most inflammable individual. Pray,
-how long has your first wife been dead?' 'Nearly eight years, sir, and
-I've been alone all that time.' 'Oh, you've been alone all that time,
-have you?' gasped out Mr. V. as soon as he could speak. 'It strikes me
-that, at your time of life, if you kept alone a little longer it would
-be no great punishment; but you ought to know best about that. Pray, who
-is the lady who is anxious to have such a blooming bridegroom as
-yourself?' 'Miss Lucretia Pereira, sir; her father is a very respectable
-man, sir.' 'No doubt of it.' returned Mr. V.; 'but who is he? you don't
-mean the head writer in the Zillah Court?' 'Yes, I do, sir,' simpered
-Mr. James. 'Mr. Pereira! why, his daughter can't be sixteen.' 'No, sir,
-I don't think she is more than sixteen.' 'And you are seventy,' said Mr.
-V. 'Well, all I can say is that you are a bold man, a very bold man, and
-I fear you will repent your boldness; but I will not stand in the way of
-such a courageous young hero. I will grant you the leave you desire; but
-tell the registrar to enter it, as well as the name of your substitute,
-which, by the way, you have not mentioned.' 'Oh, thank you, sir, thank
-you, it's young Mr. Pereira!' 'Well, well,' replied the Judge, 'now you
-have got your leave, let me get home.'
-
-As Mr. V. and my brother walked homewards they indulged themselves with
-various jocose remarks at the expense of the amoroso. 'The old idiot,'
-said my brother, 'he deserves all that's in store for him.' 'The whole
-thing is comical enough, truly,' said Mr. V.; 'but, notwithstanding, I
-am, in spite of my laughter, sorry to see an old man, hitherto accounted
-respectable and well-conducted, laying up misery for himself at the
-close of his career.'
-
-For the sake of getting rid of Mr. James and his bride, though it
-anticipates the dénouement considerably, I will state now what happened
-five months after the date of the said Lucretia's marriage. At that time
-she presented a little Miss James to her husband, who blandly remarked,
-in reference to the occurrence: 'That it was an extraordinary instance
-of what does sometimes happen, and of the wonderful powers of nature.'
-Mr. G., who happened to be present when the news was reported, made a
-somewhat cynical remark, which my brother declares he could never quite
-understand, though, in illustration of his meaning, Mr. G. indulged in
-making sundry grotesque contortions of his features, and in applying the
-index finger of the right hand to the side of his nose; which departure
-from strict decorum must, my brother presumed, be set down to his love
-of fun, and keen appreciation of the ridiculous.
-
-This young person's career was what might have been imagined from its
-commencement, and more than fulfilled my brother's anticipations. The
-wretched old man died within a year from the date of the event I have
-recorded.
-
-Let us now pass from the consideration of the Eurasians to that of the
-native races to be found at Tollicherry. The Hindoos there located are
-called Nairs and Teers. They possess good features, and are well formed
-and proportioned. They seem to have the same usages as other Hindoos,
-the same kind of temples, the same division into castes, and the same
-reverence for Brahmins, snakes, and monkeys.
-
-The costume of these people, as far as relates to the men kind, does not
-differ much from that of the male Hindoos of other parts of India; that
-of the women is a little peculiar, as they wear nothing over their
-shoulders or busts. Their dress consists chiefly of a cloth, which they
-wrap round their waists so as to form a becoming sort of petticoat, or
-what serves the purpose of one. In the absence of any upper garment,
-they set a grand example to the great majority of the ladies of this and
-other civilized countries, where these feminine divinities use every
-conceivable art and contrivance to help to display the last hair's
-breadth that custom will allow.
-
-The dwellings of the Nair and Teer people are pretty to look at, as they
-all have a small piece of ground that is well cultivated. They grow
-cocoa-nut trees, and other palms, pepper, vines, and plantains; and
-those who possess a larger portion of land raise rice and other grains.
-
-The Mussulman population are not very numerous, and the greater number
-of these are shipowners and traders to the Persian Gulf, Arabia, and the
-Red Sea. They possess, many of them, considerable property, and inhabit
-large upstair houses which, according to native ideas, are very
-convenient and highly respectable, but unfortunately are not clean. The
-Bazaar men mostly inhabit huts like those to be found all over India.
-The dwellings of the Moplahs, a sort of cross breed sprung from Arabs
-and the natives of this coast, are like those of the Mussulmans, but
-inferior.
-
-For the due understanding of the tale I have to tell, it is necessary
-that I should describe the manners and customs of the Moplahs in detail.
-I shall, therefore, return to them by-and-by. At present it will be
-convenient to finish the enumeration of the native inhabitants. It would
-indeed be a poor sketch of the place that did not bestow some notice on
-the numerous pariah dogs that roam about during the day, or the jackals
-that do the same by night, making it hideous by their howling, and
-dangerous too, as they generally go about in packs, tearing over the
-place, flying over the roads, which are narrow and mostly sunk between
-opposite banks which are about 6 feet high. In their spring over these
-roads, should a man be riding along (unless he is very quick), his head
-being slightly above the height of the banks, he is sure to be bitten;
-and if it was only ear, or nose, or cheek that suffered, though an
-unpleasant infliction, it would not be of any serious consequence. But
-this is not the case; these howling devils, in their snap, generally
-convey the poison of hydrophobia. Those who get this dreadful disease in
-this direct way are, however, few; it comes to man through the pariah
-dogs, who are frequently bitten by these mad jackals, and who, having
-themselves become infected, convey the poison by their bites to men.
-
-During the first year of his residence at Tollicherry, my brother
-reports that seven Sepoys died of this incurable malady. The number of
-villagers and country people who died of it in this time was unknown.
-The authorities did all they could to keep down the number--I might say
-the swarms--of pariah dogs. The sub-collector, in this respect a man of
-dogged determination, was very diligent in collecting tongues and tails:
-for every pair of which he paid an anah. This practice was resorted to
-every hot season, and continued for more than three months; so that the
-dog-days, in this part of the world, last longer it would seem than they
-do elsewhere. But jackals and dogs form only a small part of the native
-inhabitants of Tollicherry. My brother says, 'I do not include in my
-list domestic animals such as horses, oxen, buffaloes, goats, sheep, or
-even donkeys, which we all know are common enough everywhere; but those
-ugly and deadly things not met with everywhere. In all the backwaters,
-rivers, and marshes, there are numerous muggers, or alligators; and some
-of these monsters are so large and so powerful that they have been
-known to drag down into the water, in spite of the poor animal's utmost
-efforts, a full-grown buffalo.' My brother witnessed an occurrence of
-this kind, as he was driving in a buggy within sight of a backwater. He
-was too far off to render the poor creature any aid; he was besides
-without weapon of any kind, though nothing but a good rifle would have
-been of any use.
-
-In the sea all along this coast sharks of all kinds abound; and on and
-in the land there are snakes, scorpions, and centipedes innumerable. Of
-the birds, my brother says little or nothing, as they did not to his eye
-differ much from those met with in other parts of the country. There
-were kites and crows, those invaluable scavengers, and many smaller
-birds which he did not notice. He concludes his list of native
-inhabitants with the monkeys, which were very numerous; differing much
-in size, shape, and colour. He describes a monkey standing about 3 feet
-high, and black all over, except the white ruff under his chin, as a
-very fine and handsome specimen of the race, and of a species differing
-from the rest of the quadrumana.
-
-By using this word species, I fear my brother has exposed himself to the
-wrath of the infallible Dr. Darwin, who, in his wonderful scheme of
-development by evolution, has stated that the quadrumana are our
-immediate progenitors. He has not, it is true, explained from which kind
-of monkey man is developed; nor how it happens that there are not as
-many kinds of men as there are of monkeys; or whether his friend
-'Development' doubles up all the monkeys, great and small, black and
-brown, before she makes a man. All this, and much more, it is true he
-has not explained, but he has told us that our earliest ancestor or
-progenitor is an Ascidian (a cell), and that in a long course of ages,
-by the agency of his gossip 'Development,' the cell becomes this, that,
-and the other, the penultimate change being into a monkey, and the
-ultimate into a man. Harlequin's wand does nothing comparable to this.
-To convert a cell (a mere bag) into a man was reserved solely for
-'Madame Development.' After effecting such wonders, it would be little
-short of high treason towards the man who discovered 'Madame
-Development's' powers, ungrateful, insulting, and a _sell_, indeed, had
-my brother omitted to take some notice of our immediate progenitors. I
-hope, ladies and gentlemen, you are none of you Darwinians; if you are,
-what a profane and sacrilegious infidel must my brother appear! Yet even
-here I espy some comfort if you, as well as being Darwinians, are also
-of the 'advanced platform,' as the phrase is in the wisdom of this
-nineteenth century; because then you will have mercy on me, as an insane
-person. Almost all murderers are, by the advanced wisdom of this same
-century, put down as insane, and are not to be hanged, as they deserve
-to be, but are to be maintained at the public expense; _i.e._, at your
-and my expense--though we may have wives and a dozen hungry children to
-provide for--in order that the murdering gentleman may have time to
-repent; in other words, that he may have another opportunity of imbruing
-his hands in another victim's blood. 'Oh, by all means abolish capital
-punishment!' said the witty Frenchman, 'only let the murderers set the
-example.' Well, sir, or madam, I hope now you will not be less merciful
-to me, even if you be a Darwinian, than the wise men of the advanced
-platform are, or would be, to the murderer. So with renewed hope, having
-finished the catalogue of the native inhabitants of Tollicherry, I will
-proceed with the promised details respecting the Moplahs.
-
-With such superlative examples of grace and beauty as those constantly
-observed among the daughters of the three British Isles, and the almost
-irresistible power exercised by these 'Queens of Creation' over the
-opposite sex, we need not call in question the effects recorded of this
-same irresistible power in ancient days. Jove himself, it is said, could
-not resist the exquisite form of Leda. Troy was besieged for ten years,
-and destroyed at last, to recover a matchless but naughty Greek lady,
-who ran away from her husband with a handsome scapegrace called Paris.
-Antony lost the dominion of the world for Cleopatra's smile. And, coming
-nearer to our own times, Diana of Poitiers at sixty, so historians tell
-us, retained so absolutely the affections of a king of France, that he
-simply doted on her ('doted on her simply' would be the better form of
-expression). And Ninon de L'Enclos, at seventy, drove all the young
-bloods of Paris demented by her beauty, which, it is positively
-affirmed, far surpassed that of all the younger ladies who approached
-her. One of the greatest of the Mogul Emperors, Jehangire, was so
-enchanted by the charms of a Turkoman maiden, who, when she grew up, was
-called 'Mhere ul Nissa,' the sun of women, and was afterwards the
-far-famed Nour Jehan, that he committed a dreadful crime to obtain her.
-This lady, in the early bloom of beauty, had been brought to Delhi, was
-seen by Prince Jehangire, and in both bosoms a mutual passion was
-kindled. But she had in her infancy been betrothed to Shere Afkun, a
-Turkoman of noble birth and distinguished merit. According to Indian
-notions nothing should be suffered to interfere with the fulfilment of
-such a pledge, and therefore the reigning Emperor (the celebrated
-Akbar), from a high sense of what he believed to be right, over-ruled
-the wishes of the lovers, and insisted that Mhere ul Nissa should be
-married to Shere Afkun. Jehangire bore his despair and disappointment as
-he best could, until, by the death of his father Akbar, he became the
-Emperor of India. Then power, united with his grief and passion,
-overcame his better nature, and he had the unfortunate Shere Afkun
-murdered, and at the same time he got possession of the person of Mhere
-ul Nissa. But for years the guilty monarch sued in vain. At last the
-lady consented to be his wife and the Empress of India.
-
-All this proves that the dominion of beauty is confined to no
-hemisphere, and specially serves to introduce the present narrative,
-which relates to a part of India which, of all others, from the
-debilitating nature of the climate, and the peculiar customs of the
-people we are to speak of, would seem to be the least likely to furnish
-a tale of love and passion. But however unlooked for or unexpected the
-usages or customs on which a story-teller founds his narrative may be,
-or however unusual the circumstances arising from them, he cannot be
-held responsible for the facts or their results, so long as it can be
-proved that the said usages and customs do really exist.
-
-In the present case the Moplah customs and usages referred to
-practically obtain over a considerable part of the western coast of
-India, _i.e._, from the country of Mangalore, and from some distance
-north of it, to Cochin, and some distance south of it. In short, these
-customs are known and followed wherever the race has spread. For the
-details of the murder committed by these Moplahs my brother's notes are
-clear and precise, and for the particulars respecting Aminè after her
-return to her own country he declares that he gives the account as it
-was given to him by a Mussulman pilgrim, who, many years after the date
-of Aminè's death, passed _en route_ to Mecca through her native place.
-The Mussulman pilgrim was a merchant of Tollicherry, who, being
-naturally interested in her fate, from knowing how barbarously her
-husband had been murdered, collected all the information he could from
-those who had been about her. He had it written down, and on his return
-to India forwarded it to my brother, who was then at Madras. My brother
-had it translated from the Persian into English, and has embodied it in
-the present narrative.
-
-The Moplahs are, as aforesaid, a sort of cross-breed sprung from the
-seafaring Arab traders and the native women of the west coast. The
-children of these alliances settled on the coast with their mothers.
-Hence the Moplah race. They are men of large frame, and particularly
-strong and powerful. They are either cultivators of the soil, or
-merchants trading by sea. Some of the headmen among them are possessed
-of large estates, employ numbers of servants, and own numerous herds of
-cattle, flocks of sheep, and goats, with some horses and donkeys. Others
-possess Patamars and Dhonies. All cultivate the soil. Of this class of
-wealthy proprietors two individuals, at the time referred to, were
-generally regarded as chiefs or headmen. Both were almost equally
-wealthy, and equally looked up to by their neighbours. The younger of
-the two, although a Moplah, was a remarkably fine handsome man,
-retaining something (though not enough to spoil his good looks) of the
-Arab or Jewish cast of feature. He was of a disposition more frank and
-joyous than is usually met with among Arabs or Moplahs; his name was
-Lutchmon Sing. The other, called Saul Jan, was not so tall by four
-inches as his neighbour Lutchmon Sing, but he was larger in the body,
-broader in the shoulders, and was in all respects an amazingly powerful
-man. He exhibited the reserved, morose disposition characteristic of the
-race.
-
-Before the occurrences in which these two men were the principal actors
-are spoken of, it is necessary to notice, as briefly as possible, the
-peculiar customs of the race in reference to women. With respect to
-property, or in fact anything they happen to covet, the Moplahs
-entertain the most advanced notions, and, with regard to the other sex,
-opinions and customs that are, to say the least of them, most singular.
-Any Moplah gentleman may visit any other Moplah gentleman's wife
-whenever he pleases; all he has to do is to leave his shoes outside the
-other gentleman's door. When this signal is made, no husband dare
-intrude. The visitor may stay the whole night, or as many hours as he
-chooses; it is all one. No person can enter the house, nor is such a
-thing ever thought of, till the visitor's shoes disappear. Whatever the
-husband may suffer, or however desirous he may be of standing in the
-visitor's shoes, it cannot be done, and it is bootless for him to
-complain. Under all circumstances he must restrain his feelings until
-the visitor removes his shoes. Well, the reader will probably say this
-is a very pretty and a very moral custom indeed, but is it really a
-fact? It is indeed. The reader will then probably inquire if the man
-aggrieved has no redress. Certainly he has, according to Moplah notions,
-complete redress. Has he not the right of returning the gentleman's
-visit, and of leaving his shoes outside that gentleman's door as long as
-he pleases? The Moplahs declare that all visits of this kind are
-punctually returned, so you perceive the politeness is mutual, however
-widely spread. Moplah notions of politeness and etiquette are very
-enlarged, it must be confessed, and thoroughly communistic; they have
-nevertheless certain advantages. For instance, the husbands are never
-troubled with sons to provide for, as all the children are, in every
-sense, the wife's children. In fact, no child knows who his or her
-father is or may have been. These are secrets, probably known to the
-ladies; but no one has the effrontery to make impertinent inquiries,
-consequently Moplahs never think or speak of their fathers, only of
-their mothers.
-
-Whence this highly modest and delicate custom has been derived my
-brother has been unable to ascertain. 'If,' says he, 'I might offer a
-suggestion, I should say that it might be derived from an extended study
-of zoology, particularly of that wonderfully intelligent, faithful, and
-valuable race designated canine, as well as of that of our immediate
-progenitors, the quadrumana, amongst whom very similar usages obtain.'
-On this point the opinion of Dr. Darwin would be invaluable. The
-suggestion he has offered is to a certain extent confirmed and borne out
-by the common remarks of the vulgar, who, besides being ignorant of
-zoology, are ill-minded persons, who declare that these Moplahs one and
-all are 'dirty dogs,' which it is obvious can only be true of half the
-race. But it is wise and safe not to carry the scrutiny too far, lest we
-should be led to apply an ill-sounding name to the other half. Of the
-dogs of this race it has been already stated that they entertain notions
-prejudicial to the general safety of life and property. They never
-probably heard the noble axiom of Louis Blanc and his worthy
-compatriots--'Proprieté est le vol'--but they certainly acted on it so
-thoroughly that to obtain anything they valued and wanted, or that the
-headmen whose retainers they were wanted, they plundered or took life
-without hesitation. Witness the numerous cases of murder, gang robbery,
-etc., etc., which were, at the time referred to, continually occupying
-the attention of the courts throughout the Moplah range of country.
-
-In illustration of the various amiable qualities of these Moplahs, my
-brother instances a case in which he had to give medical evidence. Early
-one morning the body, or more properly the mangled remains, of Lutchmon
-Sing, who has been already mentioned as one of the two principal headmen
-of the district, was brought to his door to be examined and reported on.
-He found that after the poor fellow had been knocked down and stunned by
-a blow on the head, proved by the smashing in of his cap, a severe
-wound of the scalp at the top and back part of his head, and a fracture
-of the skull, his body had been almost cut, transversely, into two
-parts. The spine, with some spinal and lumbar muscles, were all that
-held the two portions of it together. The muscles of the abdomen, as
-well as the lower part of the large lobe of the liver and the colon,
-were divided.
-
-It was a piteous sight. Here was a fine young fellow in the prime of
-life, who was a favourite with all the Europeans, and with most of his
-own countrymen, brutally murdered, without any apparent cause. And what
-made everyone sorrow the more was the fact that he had been recently
-married to a Persian lady, whom, after a devoted court and worship of
-more than two years, he had at last succeeded in winning, and had
-brought home and located beyond the Moplah bounds in a stronghold
-situated in the hill country, but at no great distance, his holding
-being within the Manantoddy district.
-
-It was evident that the division of the chief parts of the trunk had
-been effected by some sharp and powerful cutting instrument, most
-probably by one of those sharp toddy knives or bill-hooks which all
-jungle-men in India carry. The murder, it was supposed, had been
-perpetrated at the instigation of the rich Moplah named Saul Jan, whose
-lands were situated at no great distance from those of the murdered man,
-Lutchmon Sing. These two headmen, it was well known, had been at feud
-for a long time, ostensibly on account of some adjacent lands lying
-between their respective estates; but it was whispered that the murdered
-man's shoes had on one occasion (some two and a half years since) been
-found outside Saul Jan's door, and that he (Saul Jan), from
-circumstances to be hereafter explained, had not been able to return the
-visit. Be this as it may, the visitor's body was, after this
-occurrence, at the distance of time specified, found in the condition
-described.
-
-A Hercules of a fellow, named Kulmuck, with a most villainous expression
-of countenance, who was an outdoor or field servant to Saul Jan, was
-with some others brought up before the Zillah Judge on suspicion of
-being the actual murderer, or at least of being a principal concerned in
-it. Some parts of this man's cloth were stained with blood, as was the
-handle and broad blade of his toddy-knife; his right hand was also
-stained with blood, and the palmar surface of the index and second
-finger of the right hand were slightly torn. It would appear that, even
-before he had washed the blood stains from his hand, or knife, or cloth,
-he had gone to the hut of a fellow-servant, a constant companion, and
-had there indulged himself so largely in drinking arrack that when the
-peons found him he was almost insensible, unable to speak, or stand; and
-lucky for them that he was in this state, as otherwise his toddy-knife
-would probably have been so used as to have saved some of them all
-further worldly care. Even without a weapon of any kind, manacled and
-pinioned, the peons shrank from him, and actually seemed afraid to touch
-him, so well were his strength and ferocity known.
-
-When asked by the Zillah Judge how he accounted for the blood on his
-cloth, toddy-knife, and hand, he stated that, just before he had lain
-down in his comrade's hut, he had killed a shark, and had at the same
-time torn his hand. He further stated that parts of the shark would be
-found in his own hut, which was not more than a quarter of a mile
-distant from the one in which he had stayed to drink. Certain of the
-peons, who had been ordered to go to his hut, there found parts of a
-recently killed shark, which they brought into Court. The Judge asked
-the prisoner what took him away from his own hut, and for what purpose
-he went to the other man's dwelling. He said at once that he had heard
-of the chatty of arrack, and had gone there to get his share of it. The
-fishermen, who had seen the shark caught and brought home, were called
-into Court, and all agreed as to the time (about 6 a.m.) when Kulmuck
-had been seen with his prize. The peons had accurately noted the time
-when they found him all but insensible from drink, viz., about 5 p.m.
-They knew well that such a bullock of a fellow would not require more
-than three or four hours to sleep off a debauch, and allowing him to
-have been drinking two or three hours, there would remain no less than
-four hours to account for. The prisoner admitted having been in the
-fields, but he said that, instead of having been in that part of the
-jungle where the body was found, he had gone in another direction; and
-he mentioned some paddy fields through which he had passed, and others
-in which the men were ploughing with their buffaloes. On inquiry all
-these circumstances were found to be correct, and they considerably
-narrowed the time to be accounted for. Still there was an interval of
-some two hours, or at least an hour and a half, of which no sufficient
-or satisfactory explanation could be got at. The suspected man merely
-said that he was in the jungle, looking for a kind of lizard of which
-the native hakims make a certain kind of medicine, which they set great
-store by.
-
-The Judge and the whole Court were at fault. The case was adjourned, and
-the prisoner remanded. The cloth and the toddy-knife, and the blood
-washed off by my brother into a broad-mouthed stoppered vial, with
-distilled water, were all placed in a box, and locked by the Judge with
-his own hands; then a broad piece of tape was placed round it, having
-the Zillah Court seal affixed at either end of it. The Judge then
-publicly placed the key of the box in my brother's hands. Finally, a
-peon carried the box into his private studio, or temporary laboratory.
-My brother then wished Mr. H. good-morning, and went home to set about
-the investigation which it was his duty to make.
-
-This he found very laborious, as the modes of examination were
-necessarily repeated for the stains on the cloth, the handle of the
-knife, the blade, and the blood washed off into the stoppered bottle.
-The last named he examined first, being fearful of those changes which
-in a tropical climate take place very rapidly, and so greatly alter and
-distort the appearance of the blood globules. By his celerity he
-prevented any such change, and thus obtained capital specimens, which
-dried on the slides, and were available for evidence in Court.
-
-To return to the Court. The things to be examined, having, as aforesaid,
-been consigned (under seal) to my brother's charge, and the prisoner
-having been placed in strong quarters, under ward changed every eight
-hours, while the Judge and his subordinates are seeking for further
-evidence, let us look into the history of the feud that, it is not
-denied, did exist between Lutchmon Sing and Saul Jan. This, it was said,
-arose from the rival claims of the parties to some lands situate between
-their respective holdings: their claims had been before the Court on
-several occasions, and had passed from the Zillah to the Higher Court.
-The case was supposed to be in train for decision, but scarcely for
-settlement, as it was known that both litigants were resolved to appeal
-to the Supreme Court. Thus the litigation might last for years. All this
-was publicly known, and it would satisfactorily account for the feud and
-the ill-feeling, but not for the murder; even Moplahs do not usually
-murder because they are legal opponents. The acknowledged feud was,
-therefore, regarded as insufficient to account for the extreme measure
-resorted to, and as a natural consequence suspicion took possession of
-the minds of those who were cognizant of the case that there had been
-some other unknown cause at work, and that to it the commission of the
-crime must be attributed. At the same time that this suspicion began to
-manifest itself, a whisper was breathed that there was such a cause.
-Spoken very cautiously at first, and in altogether a vague and
-indefinite way, after a time the whisper grew into something more
-tangible, assuming shape and form; it became at last a direct statement
-that the murdered man had violated the laws and usages of the Moplah
-race, inasmuch as he had married a wife of another nation, and had kept
-her away in a sequestered district of the hill country, where he had
-purchased another holding, and a dwelling, or rather fortress, which had
-formerly belonged to a Poligar chief, who had been a follower of
-Sevagee. This dwelling, it was further stated, he had repaired and
-embellished for the lady he had brought from beyond the sea. He had also
-furnished his house with all that his wife could wish for, and had
-garrisoned it with a number of servants and retainers (almost all of
-whom he had armed with firelocks and rifles, as well as with shields and
-scimitars), so that, his gates being strong and his walls high, he could
-defy any assault except that of heavy artillery.
-
-But why had he taken all these precautions and spent so much money, and
-why had he taken his stand so far beyond the Moplah country? This
-proceeding was considered by the Moplahs, one and all, as an outrage; an
-insult to the men, and a crime of the deepest dye, as opposed to the
-recognised custom, for which nothing less than death could be awarded as
-sufficient punishment. Several Moplah men stated these opinions
-unreservedly in open Court; though all positively denied having
-administered the punishment, or having been instigators or accessories
-to it. After long-continued denials and evasions, and a most
-ingeniously protracted display of fencing, it was at last brought out
-in evidence that Lutchmon Sing, some two and a half years ago, had paid
-a visit to Saul Jan's house, and that his shoes had been left outside
-the door for some hours; this, it may be remembered, has been already
-noticed. After this fact had been established the Zillah Judge asked if
-Saul Jan, then under examination, had not, according to the Moplah
-customs, returned the visit of Lutchmon Sing. At this question Saul Jan
-broke out into the most ungovernable rage, cursing and swearing and
-wishing he could murder Lutchmon Sing over again. All this surprised the
-Judge, but he vainly attempted to obtain from the man, who had exhibited
-this paroxysm of rage, the meaning of it. He sullenly refused any
-explanation, accompanying his refusal by gross abuse, saying that he
-would not eat dirt to please the white Kafirs, the Shitan ka butchey
-logue, the heirs of jehanum, etc., and much more to the same purpose, no
-less obscene than malicious.
-
-On inquiry from the old men about the Court who had been longest on that
-coast, and who best understood the Moplah modes of reasoning and
-feeling, it appeared that the rage of Saul Jan was excited by the
-knowledge that Lutchmon Sing had married, but had kept his wife beyond
-Moplah bounds, and had, moreover, so secured her that no one could gain
-access to her dwelling; and therefore Saul Jan considered that he had
-been defrauded of his rights in being denied access to the wife of
-Lutchmon Sing, after that Kafir (as Saul Jan expressed it) had made his
-(Saul Jan's) wife his servant.
-
-In vain it was pointed out that as Lutchmon Sing's wife had come from
-beyond sea, she could not be a Moplah, and would not, therefore, be
-willing to submit to Moplah customs; this, and other such arguments
-intended to bring the savage to a more reasonable state of mind, only
-served to elicit fresh bursts of rage and envy, till it was deemed
-needful to remove him, and to place fetters on his limbs.
-
-These exhibitions of fury and desire for revenge on account of a
-supposed injury not only showed that there was a sufficient cause to
-account for such a deed of violence, but pointed to the man who had
-committed or instigated it, and strongly confirmed the suspicions
-generally entertained. Still, there was nothing that could be regarded
-as legal proof. To confine the man, and look for further evidence, was
-all that could be done.
-
-Evidence came somewhat unexpectedly to disprove part of Kulmuck's
-statement, but nothing positive to connect either him or his master with
-the murder. The evidence alluded to was my brother's report of his
-examination of cloth, knife, and blood washed off his hand. Each of
-these had been carefully examined chemically. Albumen, fibrin, and iron
-were shown to be present. Thus the chemical tests agreed with and
-confirmed the evidence afforded by the sensible tests--_i.e._, the
-sight, the odour, and the taste. These were decisive as to the presence
-of blood. But what blood? This was the question. Fortunately my brother
-possessed a good Smith and Beck microscope, and by means of the
-micrometer he adjusted precisely the magnifying power he employed. Then
-placing on a thin slide a minute portion of the matter stated to be
-_shark's_ blood, the rolls of circular discs like those of _human_ blood
-were evident; their diameter was also like that of human blood. Still,
-as the blood discs of some other animals resemble those of human blood
-very closely, it was scarcely safe to pronounce absolutely that the
-stains and clots were those of human blood. My brother simply stated
-their close resemblance to those of human blood, while at the same time
-he pronounced absolutely that they were not those of shark's blood. When
-this report had been read, the native Sheristadar, an intelligent and
-respectable Brahmin, asked permission of the Judge to inquire publicly
-of my brother how he was able to pronounce so decisively that the
-blood-stains were not those of the shark. In reply, my brother asked
-permission of the Judge to go home and fetch his microscope. This was at
-once granted. He also requested that during his absence a little shark's
-blood might be procured, if possible. As this might not be procurable
-until the next morning, it was arranged that my brother should be at the
-Court on the morrow at 10 a.m., and that the Sheristadar with the
-shark's tail, or any part from which a few drops of blood could be
-obtained, should be there at that time. Mr. H. also promised to be
-present shortly after the hour named. Next day, my brother with his
-microscope, and the Sheristadar with two fishermen and a whole
-shovel-nosed shark, were present in Court; and before my brother had set
-up or arranged the instrument, Mr. H. appeared.
-
-The breathless anxiety and curiosity of the natives--I may say of
-everyone in Court--to see the microscopic experiment, can scarcely be
-described. The great majority of the natives looked on the whole thing
-as a kind of jadoo, or performance of magic; still, their curiosity was
-extreme. As soon as my brother had found the right focus of the
-instrument, he pulled out one of the hairs of his head, and placed it on
-a slide in the feet of the instrument, and then made the Sheristadar and
-one or two other natives in the Court observe it. Having thus convinced
-them of the power of the apparatus, and excited their wonder, he placed
-with the point of a needle on another slide a very minute portion of
-shark's blood. This, when sufficiently attenuated, showed the form and
-shape of the blood globules distinctly. My brother then requested the
-Judge to look at them. He did so, and was much gratified at being able
-to distinguish their form so clearly. After the Judge, the Sheristadar,
-the head writer (Mr. Pereira), and two or three others, looked at the
-shark's blood and saw the globules. All agreed that they were oval in
-shape, and not round. Then a little human blood, shown in the same way,
-was examined by the same persons, and all agreed that the globules were
-round, and not oval; and all were extremely pleased and gratified. Then
-a minute portion of the blood on the toddy knife was examined, and
-everyone perceived that the discs were round, and in rolls, just like
-the human blood that had been examined just before. The same opinion was
-given of blood taken from the cloth, and from the hand. Thus it was
-proved, beyond the possibility of doubt, that the statement of Kulmuck
-was false; and that the blood on the knife, and on the cloth, and also
-that from his hand, was not the blood of a shark. Mr. H. was delighted,
-and, after some compliments to my brother, said, 'You have rendered us
-an essential service.' The Sheristadar and all in Court were in a state
-of excitement and exaltation that cannot well be described. They seemed
-almost inclined to make a little deity of my brother, and their words
-were those of extravagant praise.
-
-Before my brother left the Court, while talking with Mr. H., he asked
-him if he had examined the lady who, after all, seemed to be the cause
-of this crime. He said he had not done so for several reasons. It was,
-in the first place, unusual, and repugnant to the feelings of the
-natives, to bring native ladies into a court of justice; and, secondly,
-her dwelling was out of his district. 'Nevertheless,' returned my
-brother, 'in a case of such importance, I would overrule the native
-prejudices.' 'I will think it over,' said the Judge; and then they
-parted. The next day the Zillah Judge drove over to the Circuit Judge's
-house, and asked his opinion regarding the best course to be adopted
-towards the widow of the murdered man, who, it was said, was a Persian
-lady of good family, and who was, moreover, highly educated and
-accomplished, understood several Oriental languages, spoke English
-tolerably well, knew even something of French, and could read and write
-the Persian, Arabic, and Hindustani. She was also said to excel in
-music. 'If,' said Mr. V., 'this account be true, she must be a wonder;
-and if her personal charms correspond to her mental attainments, she
-must be a most bewitching creature, and quite equal to the far-famed
-Nour Jehan.' 'I hear,' said Mr. H., 'from my Sheristadar, who knows one
-of her female attendants, that she is surpassingly lovely, with a
-faultless figure, and silken tresses that she can sit on; she has the
-most beautiful eyes in the world.'
-
-'Upon my word,' observed Mr. V., 'your informant has painted a most
-enchanting picture. I feel quite envious and grieved that I'm not the
-Zillah Judge. You cannot surely drag such a superlative creature into
-Court; you will have to take your Court to her. Pray don't do it
-personally, or perhaps Mrs. H. might not be pleased; but under any
-circumstances you must write officially to have our permission in this
-case of difficulty, and I am sure A. and H. will concur with me in the
-precept for you to proceed to her house or castle, and to take down her
-deposition, if she has anything to state.'
-
-Mr. H. accordingly sent in the official letter asking the opinion of the
-Circuit Judges, which was unanimous, and found expression in a precept
-directing Mr. H. to proceed to the lady's house with as little delay as
-possible. On receipt of the precept Mr. H. sent a mounted peon with a
-letter to the widow of Lutchmon Sing, asking politely if it would be
-convenient for her to make such statements as the ends of justice
-demanded, or, if she had no statement to make, to answer such questions
-as it might be needful to put to her in reference to her present
-unhappy position, Mr. H. adding that, to save her feelings as much as
-possible, he would not ask her to attend at the Court, but would
-himself, with his writers and needful subordinates, attend at her house,
-and there take down her deposition. In reply to this letter, Mr. H.
-received a beautifully written note in Persian to the effect that Aminè,
-the wife of the late Lutchmon Sing, would be ready to see the Zillah
-Judge whenever he might think proper to pay her a visit, and would
-answer any questions he might put to her. She moreover begged the Judge
-to receive her grateful thanks for sparing her appearance in Court.
-
-The next forenoon, about 10 a.m., Mr. H. and his subordinates, who had
-left Tollicherry by 7 p.m. the evening previous, reached the lady's
-house. They found a sumptuous breakfast prepared for them, both in the
-European and native fashion, while the lady's butler attended to wait on
-them with a dozen servants. Before the Judge sat down to table, a female
-servant presented him with another note, begging him to excuse her
-absence until the business of the Court called for it, her sorrow and
-the Eastern customs being, she hoped, sufficient to extenuate any
-apparent want of hospitality. She added that she had given strict orders
-to her butler, and to all her people, to supply anything and everything
-that might be called for. When the Judge had finished breakfast, and his
-subordinates had done ample honour to an excellent collation of curries,
-pillaus, etc., etc., Mr. H. was shown into a large apartment or hall,
-with a paved courtyard and fountain which fell into a small tank or
-basin. The whole space was well covered in, so that the sunbeams could
-not directly penetrate, while open verandas all round gave abundance of
-light. In this courtyard Mr. H. established his Court, and here, shortly
-after he had announced that he was prepared, the lovely widow of poor
-Lutchmon Sing made her appearance. An elegant cushion or settee had
-already been placed opposite to that of the Judge for her accommodation.
-As soon as she entered the hall she made a profound obeisance to the
-Judge, crossing her arms on her bosom. The whole Court, including the
-Judge, rose up on the lady's entrance, and he, returning her obeisance,
-requested her to occupy the cushion prepared for her. She did so, at the
-same time so arranging her veil that she only showed her face partially,
-yet sufficiently to enable her to converse or reply to questions without
-difficulty. Enough of the breathing picture was, however, disclosed to
-excite profound admiration, and to charm everyone present. The
-administration of the Mussulman oath, usual inquiries as to name,
-station, dwelling-place, etc., having been answered in a sad though
-sweet voice, Mr. H. asked if the witness knew of any circumstance that
-could help him to fix the crime on any particular individual. The same
-sad, sweet voice replied that a thick-set, powerfully made man, whom she
-would recognise if she saw again, had on two occasions, when her husband
-was absent, endeavoured to force an entrance into her house. This man
-was at the head of a score or more armed men, and he would on both
-occasions have obtained an entrance had not the noise and scuffle at the
-outer gate given her servants time to secure the main entrance, every
-other means of entering being always barred. On both attempts some shots
-and sword-cuts were exchanged, but no lives were lost, though some men
-on both sides were wounded. The leader, after the last attempt had
-failed, had used the most horrid language, had threatened to have the
-life blood of every man in the place, and particularly that of Lutchmon
-Sing. She and several of her servants had heard these threats; she had,
-though at some risk, seen the man who used these words, having observed
-him through an iron grating, while her head and face were enveloped in
-a dark cambly, so that she could not be known or scarcely seen by those
-outside.
-
-A day or two after these men had departed, her husband had returned, and
-she had informed him of all that had happened in his absence. 'He knew
-at once who it was that had attacked his house; he also told me the
-object of it, and of the vile and singular customs obtaining amongst his
-countrymen. I became dreadfully alarmed, and entreated him not to go
-about alone. I foresaw what would be likely to happen, and told him that
-such a desperate and determined ruffian as this man, whom he called Saul
-Jan, would have him murdered, if he were not himself the murderer.' The
-lady's statements were carefully taken down, and signed by herself and
-the Judge; then several of the servants of the house were examined, and
-their testimony confirmed that of the lady. They also said that they
-should know the leader of the band--the man who had used the threats and
-the bad language--if they saw him again. This evidence was also taken
-down and signed and countersigned. Mr. H. prepared to then take his
-departure. After many compliments, thanking the bereaved wife not merely
-for her kindness and hospitality to himself and whole Court, but for the
-clear and collected manner in which she had given her testimony, he
-declared that under such painful conditions her conduct was truly
-admirable. As he made his bow before getting into his palankeen he said:
-'It is a pity that your husband did not take your advice.'
-
-Aminè, now that the examination was over, had for a time yielded to her
-sorrow: her head was bowed upon her bosom, her tears were falling fast,
-and her women were doing what they could to soothe and console her; but
-when she heard Mr. H.'s remark, she stood up at once, and said, 'Sir,
-my husband was a brave man, and despised the threats of such a villain
-as this Saul Jan. As he said himself, he would not be prevented from
-going about for any man's threats; he was as brave and noble as the
-other was cowardly and base. But,' clasping her hands and looking up to
-heaven with her beautiful eyes streaming with tears, she said, 'Allah is
-great, and what He ordains, we, His creatures, must endure.' She then,
-with a queenly inclination of her head, retired to her own apartments.
-Mr. H. thought he had never seen such a beautiful creature--so quiet, so
-sensible, and so self-controlled while she had to give her evidence; so
-sensitive, so full of grief, and yet so full of fire for him she had
-loved and lost.
-
-The reader may perhaps wish to know what eventually became of this
-beautiful and unhappy lady. Her husband on his marriage had made her
-heir, in case of his death, of all he possessed. As soon as she could
-obtain purchasers for her lands and tenements, and various kinds of
-property, she returned to Persia. From the time of her husband's murder,
-up to the time of her departure for her own country, she never either
-saw or spoke to any one of the numerous suitors who endeavoured in every
-possible way to pay court and worship to her.
-
-After her return to Persia, she so arranged her worldly possessions as
-to leave herself but a third part of her income; the larger she expended
-in charities to the sick and poor, whom she visited daily. A certain
-portion of her means she expended in building a handsome tomb, standing
-in an extensive garden of roses and other sweet-smelling flowers. By
-means of reservoirs and basins, fountains were always throwing water;
-and by means of marble conduits for irrigation, and a score of
-gardeners, everything was preserved in the most perfect order.
-
-Before she quitted Tollicherry, she had obtained possession of the
-mangled remains of her husband, and had them embalmed, all but the
-heart; this she had so burnt, under the guidance of an able chemist,
-that the form of the organ only remained in the substance of a thin kind
-of charcoal. The embalmed body she placed in a marble coffin or
-sarcophagus, on which she placed, in an exquisitely carved marble vase
-or urn, the representative atoms of her lover's heart. On the top of the
-block of black marble that supported her husband's remains, and close
-beside it, she placed an empty coffin and an empty vase. In this tomb
-Aminè spent a large portion of her time, not only in prayer, nor even in
-indulging her incurable sorrow, but in communing with her own soul, and
-in striving, by reading and study, to school herself to suffer with
-uncomplaining fortitude. Her garden and her flowers, when the heat would
-permit, afforded her, morning and evening, some resource. Her large
-charities, her embroidery with her maidens, and sometimes her lute,
-enabled her to bear existence for some few years; but the shock she had
-experienced had been more than she could long bear. She pined away
-daily, and at last sunk down, without any special disease, to die. She
-evidently rejoiced at her release from sorrow, and the last words she
-breathed were, 'I shall now go to fill the vacant space beside my lord.'
-She had, long before, repeatedly enjoined her people that, after burning
-her heart without access of air, the charcoal left should be placed with
-that of her husband, which injunction was held sacred, and was carried
-out to the letter. She died equally beloved and lamented by all around
-her, rich and poor, and was long remembered as the broken flower of
-Persia. Around the tomb where lie the relics of this unhappy pair
-innumerable small lamps are ever burning, and every day at sunrise young
-Persian maidens deck the double urns with flowers.
-
-We now return to Tollicherry, where Saul Jan and Kulmuck lie under
-sentence of death. After the identification of Saul Jan as the leader of
-the attacks on the distant house of Lutchmon Sing, the circumstantial
-evidence was so strong, and so completely confirmatory of the previous
-suspicions, that it may be said no one entertained the slightest moral
-doubt as to the guilt of these two men.
-
-Still, the one link in the evidence was wanting; the perpetration of the
-murder was not actually brought home to these ruffians. This evidence
-was obtained in rather a singular and unlooked-for way. One day, about 3
-p.m., just after my brother had dined, he was called into his veranda to
-attend to a low-caste Moplah man, who, in consequence of drinking, had
-fallen from a toddy-tree, and had smashed the upper arm close up to the
-joint. The destruction of the soft parts, and the splintering of the
-bone, were so terrible that there could be no chance of saving the man's
-life unless the limb was removed at the shoulder-joint. This was clear;
-but how was it to be done? The practised operators at our hospitals in
-England have trained and skilful assistants to control a large vessel or
-take up a smaller one, or render aid in any way that can be wanted. My
-brother had no one to assist him except a poor half caste Portuguese,
-who had never seen an operation in his life. He was willing, but could
-do no more than steady or support the crushed arm or hand as occasion
-required. This being so, and the man having in a great measure been
-sobered by the fright and the fall, and his nervous system not having
-suffered as much as might have been expected, my brother determined to
-operate at once. In order to secure the main artery (the brachial), my
-brother first passed a curved needle, armed with strong silk thread,
-from the anterior part of the wound close to that portion of the
-splintered bone near to the socket, and carried the needle and the
-ligature between the bone and the vessels and great nerves, and brought
-out the point through the integument so as to include about
-three-quarters of an inch in breadth. Over this, by means of the handle
-and the point of the needle, the ligature was turned backward and
-forwards, in the shape of a figure of eight, with sufficient firmness to
-restrain hæmorrhage completely. This having been effected, my brother
-rapidly removed the limb, having only to tie two vessels--the anterior
-and posterior circumflex; but still he was in considerable difficulty as
-to where he should get his covering--or, as it is termed professionally,
-his _flap_--from. He had tied the main vessel _secundem artem_ before he
-removed the temporary control, and had then completed the removal of the
-limb. Then he cut from the severed limb a portion of the uninjured
-muscular tissue and integument sufficient, with part of the deltoid
-muscle and integument, to form the required covering. The case did well;
-union by the first intention took place between the portions of the
-deltoid and the piece cut from the inner and back part of the upper arm.
-
-My brother kept the man in his own house for about a fortnight, and was
-very kind to him. The rude creature felt this, and knew that my brother
-had saved his life; so, before he was discharged, he asked to speak with
-him privately. My brother turned the servants out of the room, and then
-told him to speak freely.
-
-'Nay, Saib; master has kept my life for me this time; but if I tell
-master, will master save me again?'
-
-At first my brother thought the man wanted to beg something, and it was
-some time before he found out that his patient was really afraid to say
-what he desired, unless protection could be assured to him. He
-repeatedly said: 'Master no take care, those people kill me.'
-
-'Nonsense,' said my brother, 'what are you afraid of? Those people, who
-are those people?'
-
-'My people, the Moplah people.'
-
-A ray of light at once shot across my brother's mind. 'Then,' said he,
-'you have something to tell me about Lutchmon Sing's murder?' The man
-nodded his head, but did not speak.
-
-'What, Timbuckjee, you don't mean, I hope, that you had anything to do
-with that!'
-
-'No, Saib, nothing at all; but I see something.'
-
-'You see something! what do you mean? let me hear.'
-
-'No, Saib, master never tell keep my life, how can I tell master?'
-
-'I can't keep your life, but the Judge can if you give evidence that
-will enable him to punish these bad men.'
-
-'Nay, Saib, master promise, then I tell Master Judge. I not know him; he
-perhaps no remember.'
-
-'Well, Timbuckjee, I will see the Judge and get his promise, or I will
-try to get it.'
-
-'Master Judge give promise in writing, then he no forget. He give word
-promise he perhaps no remember.'
-
-My brother could not help smiling at the caution and cunning of Mr.
-Timbuckjee; but as the matter was of such importance he wrote a note at
-once to Mr. H., stating that he had reason to believe that the man who
-had fallen from the toddy-tree, and had so crushed his arm, could say
-something that would enable him to convict the murderers of Lutchmon
-Sing; but that the man was in such fear of the Moplah people that he
-refused to speak unless he, the Judge, would grant him a written promise
-to protect him.
-
-After some delay Mr. H. went to my brother's house and saw Timbuckjee.
-But he seemed little inclined to make any statement of any value, till a
-native vakeel was sent for, who, after a great deal of trouble, at last
-made him understand that if he gave evidence to enable the law to act
-the law would protect him.
-
-At last Mr. H. said: 'If I give you a belt, and make you one of the
-Zillah Court peons, will that content you?'
-
-'Yes, Saib, that will keep my life. You give me belt, and make me peon
-of your Court; they never kill me. Yes, I will tell.' He then went on to
-say, that on the very day Lutchmon Sing was killed, he, Timbuckjee, was
-following his business tapping palms, for which purpose he had climbed
-up a lofty tree, and was engaged fastening an empty chatty to the part
-which he had incised. When he had finished his work he was about to
-descend, but he did not do so, having observed two men at some little
-distance off, standing at the foot of another lofty palm, engaged in
-earnest conversation. He soon recognised the men in question to be Saul
-Jan and Kulmuck. Concealed as he was by the leaves and branches, and
-remaining perfectly still, he himself remained wholly unobserved, while
-he had a full opportunity of watching all that passed between the men
-named. He was not near enough to hear anything, but judging from their
-behaviour it seemed to him that Saul Jan was urging Kulmuck to accede to
-some proposition that had previously been made to him, but to which he
-steadily refused to consent. At last he seemed to yield, and then he
-held out his hand, into which Saul Jan counted 20 Rs.; these Kulmuck
-tied up, after again counting them, in a corner of his cloth, and then
-parted from Saul Jan, who took the way to his own house, while Kulmuck
-also went to his hut, where he remained about half an hour; then he left
-it and returned to the jungle. Timbuckjee did not dare to follow Kulmuck
-too nearly lest he should be discovered, but he kept him in sight till
-he entered the path that led to Lutchmon Sing's dwelling. There he lost
-sight of him. In about an hour he again saw Kulmuck, running in the
-direction of the hut where he remained to drink, and where he was found
-with his bloody cloth and knife. While he was running Timbuckjee
-observed that his cloth was stained.
-
-This statement, having been sworn to after the Moplah fashion, was taken
-down, and Timbuckjee made to vouch for its truth by affixing his mark to
-it. The Judge then countersigned it. Now as no money had been found on
-Kulmuck's person when he was captured, it was clear that he must have
-deposited it somewhere else, and if Timbuckjee's story was true, he had
-been nowhere, after having received the blood-money from Saul Jan, but
-to his own hut; consequently, then, the rupees should be found there.
-
-To Kulmuck's hut therefore at once went the Judge, my brother, several
-subordinates of the Court, a _posse_ of peons, and some coolies with
-mattocks and picks. The whole floor of the hut was examined without
-discovering any sign of earth having been recently turned up;
-nevertheless it was dug up all over without avail. The whole of the
-compound was then treated in the same way, still without finding
-anything: doubt was beginning to attach to Timbuckjee's statement, when
-someone said: 'Try the roof.' In less than two minutes afterwards there
-was a shout, and one of the peons drew forth from the thatch a piece of
-rag evidently containing rupees. The little parcel was immediately
-handed to the Judge, who opened it before all present, and counted out
-the number of rupees which Timbuckjee had seen Saul Jan count out to
-Kulmuck.
-
-This discovery proved the truth of all that Timbuckjee had said, and at
-the same time proved the guilt of Saul Jan and Kulmuck. I am glad to say
-that both these ruffians were sentenced to be hanged. Great efforts to
-save Saul Jan were made by the Moplahs, who declared that he had been
-defrauded of his _undoubted_ rights, and that Lutchmon Sing deserved
-his fate. And nothing would convince these brutal and savage disciples
-of a brutal and sensual creed that the murder deserved capital
-punishment. They threatened resistance, used very violent language, and
-seemed altogether so highly irritated and incensed that three companies
-of the European regiment stationed at Canamore were marched from thence
-to Tollicherry in order to overawe them, and along with the three
-companies half a battery of Horse Artillery. These decisive and
-judicious measures had the effect desired; the would-be rebels thought
-ball cartridges, grape-shot, and fixed bayonets unpleasant things to
-face, and that under the circumstances discretion was the better part of
-valour. The execution, therefore, took place without either disturbance
-or bloodshed.
-
-
-
-
-No. XI.
-
-AN HOUR LOST AT MR. G.'S DINNER.
-
-
-After the execution of the two Moplahs for the murder of poor Lutchmon
-Sing, nothing worth recording took place at Tollicherry during some
-months. People got up in the morning, went to bed at night, and ate
-their dinners in a very routine, humdrum sort of way, and nothing
-occurred to vary the monotony of existence except a new number of
-Lever's 'Charles O'Malley,' or the issue of cards for a dinner or
-evening party at the First Judge's house, which was a regular monthly
-institution with that most hospitable and generous man.
-
-Things had been going on in this way for about three months when, so far
-as concerned my brother, there was a change, which entailed on him
-considerable anxiety, and a good deal of extra work. An officer of the
-Bombay army was sent to Tollicherry on sick certificate. He had landed,
-and had, by means of his servant, taken a small house in the town before
-my brother heard anything of him. He had, indeed, been three days so
-located when Lieutenant Mitchel, who was in command of the detachment
-usually stationed at the place, met my brother in his morning walk, and
-told him of the advent of Mr. M. of the ---- Infantry, Bombay. 'Hasn't
-he sent you his case, and the private statement of the regimental
-medical officer?' asked Mitchel. 'He has not,' said my brother;
-'indeed, until you informed me of it, I was as ignorant of the arrival
-here of Mr. M. as I was of his existence. But now, as he is here on sick
-certificate, I shall go and see him, though it was his duty in the first
-place to have sent me his papers.'
-
-'Then,' returned Mitchel, 'we'll go and see him together; we may as well
-walk that way as any other.' So said, so done. On their way they met
-Captain B., who, after good-morning, inquired if they had got 'a purwoke
-to Waughan's, because if you haven't you will have. I saw the cards.'
-'Well,' said Mitchel, 'V. deserves to be called the punir of
-Tollicherry: the place would be nothing without him. And then he gives
-such champagne and claret; it's really worth something to get a
-"purwoke," as our friend says, to his house.' 'You should be tender in
-making your quotations,' whispered my brother. 'I'll tender an
-apologue,' said Mitchel quietly, 'if you wish.' Here Captain B. parted
-from his companions, his road lying in a different direction.
-
-When he was gone, my brother remarked to Mitchel: 'I think if you did
-"tender an apologue," as you put it, you would only make bad worse. Poor
-B. does not know that he made any mistake, nor does he perceive that you
-were laughing at him; but if you make any apology, however "tender" you
-may be in your mode of expression, he cannot fail to perceive it.'
-'Well, _magister meus_, I am schooled. I will hold my peace, though he
-breaks the Queen's English into many a piece; but I must keep the peace
-as well as hold my peace, or you will be jealous, and say I have stolen
-your trade, and set up an opposition shop, etc., etc.; and I should be
-sorry to run counter to your wishes, as the peaceful disposition evinced
-this morning clearly proves.' 'If you would weigh your words over your
-counter a little more carefully there would be some hope of your
-succeeding in business. As it is, your stock-in-trade is rather of a
-meagre description; it is neither bonded stock, nor consolidated stock,
-nor foreign stock, nor even rolling stock. It can only, I think, be
-described as a stock of assurance, though I'll be sworn you possess no
-life policy, and----' 'Oh, stop!' said Mitchel; 'you have the devil's
-own faculty of "iteration," as the fat knight says, and, moreover, here
-we are at M.'s bungalow.'
-
-But at first it was in vain that the two visitors sought an entrance.
-After knocking repeatedly at the door of the house, which was closed, no
-response could be obtained. 'This is queer,' said Mitchel. 'Are the
-people all dead? What is the reason that no servant or maty boy makes
-his appearance? It's clearly a case of enchanted castle, inhabited by an
-ogre who never comes out till night-time.' 'I think' said my brother, 'I
-can find a key to the ogre's castle door.' And accordingly he walked
-over to the godown attached to the house. He had observed that the door
-belonging to one of these outdoor offices had been cautiously opened so
-far as to permit those inside to see who they were who were so bent on
-getting into the house, without being seen themselves. The door in
-question, it is true, had been again cautiously closed, but the opening
-and shutting of it having been noticed further defence was vain. My
-brother threatened all kinds of pains and penalties, and Mitchel struck
-the door so violently with his foot that the whole place shook again. He
-was about to repeat his efforts when the garrison surrendered, only
-entreating that the Saiblogue would have a moment's patience.
-'Suspension of arms' having been thus agreed to, the door was, after
-about a minute's delay, unbarred and opened. 'You d----d rascal,' said
-Mitchel, 'what do you mean by keeping us waiting here without answering
-our summons?' 'Nay, Saib: what for master angry? My master sick; he
-tell he not see anybody.' 'Aye, but he must see us. I am the medical
-officer to whose charge he is consigned while sick, and if he should
-want help in any way he is bound to put himself in communication with
-this gentleman, who is in command of the detachment stationed here. Now,
-open the door of the house and let us see your master.' 'But, Saib, my
-master no give order; he tell no see.' 'You are an impudent scoundrel,'
-said Mitchel, 'and I have a good mind to give you a taste of my
-riding-whip for refusing to do what you are ordered to do, knowing who
-we are.' 'Pray be quiet, Mitchel,' said my brother, 'and let me deal
-with this fellow, whom, to tell you the truth, I rather like for his
-sturdy fidelity to his master. Now you, sir, listen to what I say. If
-you do not open the door of the house I shall have to complain of you to
-the Zillah Judge, who will be in Court shortly after ten o'clock, and
-you will get punished, and peons will be sent to force open the door, so
-that you see all you can gain by resistance is a few hours, for which
-you will bring trouble on yourself and your master.' 'By Jove,' said
-Mitchel, 'you have given him better terms than I would have done. But
-take your own way; I shall leave you to settle it.'
-
-The maty was evidently undecided, but the calm determination shown by my
-brother convinced him that it would be best to submit to what he felt he
-could not successfully oppose or prevent, so after a little hesitation
-he said: 'Master too strong; I do as master order, but my master very
-angry.' 'That's a sensible fellow,' said my brother. 'I will tell your
-master that you held out to the utmost to obey his orders.' Then the
-man, making a low salaam, said: 'Master good master, but not know all;
-when master go in then master see, and then master know.'
-
-Surely no words could express the impression made on the minds of the
-visitors, or explain the situation more clearly, than the maty's words,
-however poor the English. They found Mr. M. in his shirt and trousers
-lying on a cot, round which were strewed beer and brandy bottles, some
-empty, some untouched; the smell of these liquids was very strong, and
-the man himself was really an object equally of compassion and disgust.
-His face was so swelled and bloated that his eyes were partly closed,
-and its hue was fiery red; he either would not or could not speak.
-Hiccoughs, alternating with a sort of stertorous breathing, were the
-only sounds he emitted; his skin was dry and hot, and his pulse
-bounding. The unfortunate man did not seem able to rise and scarcely to
-move. After sending in the sweeper to remove all nuisances, and to
-cleanse the room in every possible way, doors and windows not admitting
-sun being kept wide open, the whole of the bottles were removed, and
-placed in a godown under lock and key, only a very small allowance for
-the day being left out in charge of the servant. Finally, the official
-papers, which the boy knew where to put his hands on, were given to my
-brother. Before his departure he ordered the patient's body, head, neck,
-and arms to be sponged, constantly or frequently, with weak vinegar and
-water. He then left word that he should see Mr. M. again after
-breakfast.
-
-On reaching home he took up a letter that was addressed to him by Mr.
-M., senior, in which he spoke of his son and his son's evil habits in a
-very fond and parental way, making all sorts of excuses for a low and
-disgusting indulgence that admits of no excuse, except that the person
-exhibiting it had lost all self-control, which might with equal
-propriety be put forth to defend any other crime. The writer entreated
-that my brother would use representation, persuasion, and every moral
-means in aid of his medical treatment, in order to reform as well as
-cure his unfortunate son. He then explained his son's position in the
-army. He said that, by means of family interest, he had got his son
-gazetted for a staff appointment, but that it had not been taken up, in
-consequence of his son's sickness, which, through the kindness of the
-medical officer, my brother would find put down in the case as _fever_.
-'In his private letter to you,' continued the old gentleman, 'I cannot
-tell what he has said, but whatever this may be, I should esteem it a
-lasting obligation if you would kindly put down in your official report
-the same disease, _fever_;' and that if my brother would be so kind as
-to do this, his son could be sent home on sick certificate for three
-years without losing his claim to a staff appointment, and that not only
-he, but the whole family would be for ever grateful.
-
-Long before my brother got to the end of this precious epistle, he felt
-so indignant and disgusted with the doting and unprincipled old writer,
-that he more than once determined to return the letter in a blank
-envelope. He did not, however, act on his first thought; he remembered
-old Mr. M.'s gray hairs, and that he was a father who was wrapped up in
-his only son. My brother contented himself with acknowledging the old
-gentleman's letter as briefly as possible, adding that he would do all
-that was in his power for his son.
-
-He then glanced over the official case, which was so drawn up as to
-afford little information as to the state of the patient. This was of no
-consequence; what my brother had seen was quite enough. The private
-letter was a degree more truthful; but the facts were so softened, and
-so many suppositions were introduced in order to account for the
-symptoms, that it was, or appeared to be, more calculated to conceal the
-real condition of the patient than to make it evident. My brother
-thought of Talleyrand's _mot_ regarding language, smiled, and then sat
-down to breakfast with his wife.
-
-This narrative not being either a medical treatise or report, my
-brother omits all details of the treatment of the case. It must suffice
-to say that he did his best, and at first with such success that hope of
-reform began to be entertained. It was, however, a delusive hope. The
-patient broke all his promises, secretly obtained from the Parsee
-shopkeeper a fresh supply of beer and brandy, and again reduced himself
-to much the same state as that in which he was first found. The
-intoxicating liquids were again taken from him, placed under lock and
-key, and then two Sepoys were placed on guard night and day at Mr. M.'s
-bungalow to prevent the entrance of anything whatever not ordered by my
-brother. Mr. M., on finding himself thus forcibly controlled, was at
-first so furious and violent that it became necessary to employ peons to
-restrain him and prevent him from making his escape.
-
-When he found that neither threats, nor force, nor bribes would avail
-either to procure him liquor or favour his escape from control, he
-became sullen and morose, and refused even to speak in answer to
-questions. Lieutenant Mitchel had all along felt a great interest in the
-case, and had furnished the guard in the frankest and readiest manner.
-
-Very early one morning he met my brother en route to visit Mr. M. 'I'll
-go with you,' said Mitchel, 'if you have no objection.' 'None in the
-world,' returned my brother. 'You have seen the patient several times;
-you saw him when I first took charge of him, and you know how
-persistently he has destroyed his chances of getting better.' 'Yes,'
-replied Mitchel, 'he has done all you say; the madness for drink has got
-hold of him, and until this rage or madness moderates or passes away for
-the time, I fear you will get no good of him; but still, I pity the poor
-devil!' 'Oh, pity him as much as you please,' returned my brother, 'so
-long as you don't give him anything to drink.' This brought the
-speakers to M.'s house. They went upstairs almost together, and as they
-entered his room they perceived that he was lying on his cot in his
-shirt and long drawers.
-
-As my brother approached him to feel his pulse and skin, his features
-assumed a very ugly scowl, and at the same time he put his right hand
-under his pillow. This action my brother did not notice at the instant,
-but Mitchel did, and as quick as light pinned M.'s hand with both his. A
-struggle ensued; my brother held down M.'s left hand while Mitchel drew
-out the right, grasping a large carving-knife, which he had secreted
-under his pillow. It was quickly taken from him by the superior force
-present, and although he made desperate efforts to disengage his right
-hand, Mitchel's double grip was too firm for him. He kept his hand on
-the bed while the others unclasped the fingers, thus no one was wounded.
-
-It was clear that Mitchel's quick eye and movement had saved my
-brother's life. Speaking of the affair afterwards, Mitchel said: 'I did
-not like the look he gave at you, and when, in reply to your request to
-let you feel his pulse, he put his hand under the pillow, I suspected
-something, and luckily, on the impulse of the moment, pinned his hand.'
-
-'Luckily indeed for me,' said my brother; 'six inches of cold steel
-under one's ribs is not a pleasant experience at any time of day; yet I
-should certainly have had to make it this fine morning but for you. I
-cannot well thank you; your own manly heart will do it for me better
-than my poor words can.'
-
-'Halt, dress!' said Mitchel; 'none of your heroics. I'm right glad,
-though, that none of us got hurt; that's a very ugly sort of weapon,
-that long pointed knife, at close quarters especially.'
-
-All this passed in less than two minutes; then the maniac, for such the
-man was at the time, was carefully secured by soft bandages, his head
-was shaved, and cold lotion constantly applied to it. Every knife and
-fork in the house was kept out of the room, he was allowed no food but
-what he could take with a spoon, and a constant guard was kept in the
-room as well as at the door.
-
-As Mitchel and my brother were leaving the poor victim of alcoholic
-stimulation, G. came up to them to inquire how M. was going on. Poor G.
-turned quite pale on learning how near murder had been to them that
-morning, and specially near to my brother. However, he soon rallied,
-and, after a few words of congratulation, he said: 'This day week I hold
-you both engaged to dine with me; I mean to give a dinner in honour of
-Mitchel for this morning's work.'
-
-'All right,' said Mitchel, 'I'll be most happy to go and punish your
-champagne; but don't make mountains of molehills; don't exhibit me as a
-sort of wild animal of a new species just caught; don't do that, pray.
-The Doctor was going to launch out into something, but I managed to stop
-him, as I must try and stop you.'
-
-'Very well,' said G., 'as you are to be the king of the feast, you must
-have your own way, and we won't say one word as to why it is given. We
-won't even ask if a knife has a sharp point or a keen edge.'
-
-'For fear of its wounding or cutting me,' said Mitchel. 'That's capital;
-I always thought you a comical blade.'
-
-'What, Mitchel, at it again? You are, I see, determined to try the
-temper of the blade,' observed my brother.
-
-'Oh, stop that fellow with his heroics and his _ribaldry_. When he
-begins, there's no chance for me.'
-
-'Why so cranky, Mitchel? But for you, I should not this morning have a
-_rib all dry_.'
-
-'That shows you all the more ungrateful. You won't let a fellow have a
-chance.'
-
-'Quite the contrary,' said my brother; 'it is you that won't let a
-fellow have a chance. M. tried hard to get one at me this morning, but
-you wouldn't let him have it.'
-
-'Good-morning, good-morning,' said Mitchel; 'that fellow's got tongue
-enough for a dozen. I'm off.'
-
-'No, no,' said G.; 'come and breakfast with me. I can't ask the Doctor;
-he has to go to his wife. How I pity him! But, poor fellow! he can't
-help it now.'
-
-'Well, don't be envious of your neighbours, G.,' returned my brother;
-'it looks strongly as if you were determined to follow my good example.'
-And so the trio, with jest and raillery, and in high good humour with
-all the world and themselves, parted.
-
-Great was the stir, and much was the commotion, in the little community
-of Tollicherry, when it was known that my brother had been in such
-imminent peril, and that his life had been saved by the gallantry and
-promptitude of Lieutenant Mitchel. The story had to be told over again
-and again, and the questions to be answered respecting the occurrence
-could not be enumerated. At last, like every other nine days' wonder,
-people began to get tired of it, and the dinner to the hero of the tale
-came in its turn to occupy public attention.
-
-On the morning before that named for the dinner, G. and my brother
-encountered each other near M.'s bungalow, where my brother had just
-been. The conversation that ensued referred almost entirely to G.'s
-coming party. 'I've asked everyone,' said G., 'except V., who is on
-circuit, and A., who is on leave, and old B., who is sick of the gout.'
-
-'_Sick of the gout!_' returned my brother. 'I should think so. Who
-wouldn't be that ever had a taste of it?'
-
-'Come, come, Doctor; it's too early in the morning. A man should be
-scrupulous about taking drams in the morning.'
-
-'Oh, G., G., how can you?--stale, flat, and unprofitable, and
-hypocritical besides, while pretending to give your friends advice. But
-tell me who you have got.'
-
-'H. will come,' replied G.; 'but from the distance at which he resides,
-he stipulates that he is to go as soon as he has had coffee. The Zillah
-Judge will come too, though I suspect he obtained leave with great
-difficulty, as he adds, "You will not press me to stay later than
-half-past nine, as we always retire to rest at 10 p.m." Then Mitchel,
-our two selves, young B. and old B. (the Captain, I mean), will make up
-the party.'
-
-'Won't you have the missionary, Mr. G.?'
-
-'No, that I won't; he'd only be a wet blanket,' said G., 'and I don't
-want any wet blankets--in fact, I never liked them.'
-
-'Poor fellow!' replied my brother. 'How I feel for him! How his bowels
-will yearn when he hears of a feed that he's not to have a share of!'
-
-'Well,' returned G., 'his bowels may yearn, then; for he won't get a
-share of mine.'
-
-'He'll be very indignant, if not spiteful,' said my brother. 'You'd
-better have him; he'll talk about the tithe-offering, and quote
-Leviticus to no end.'
-
-'Well, he certainly will quote Leviticus to no end on this occasion, for
-I certainly won't have him,' said G.
-
-Young B. and Mitchel then came up, and the whole four then sauntered on
-to G.'s to take early tea or coffee. While thus engaged, the
-conversation again turned on guests expected. 'But do you really mean to
-say,' said young Henry B., 'that H. has got leave to come? I can
-scarcely credit it. My worthy cousin Harriet would scarcely permit such
-a breach of discipline.' The conditions under which Mr. H. had accepted
-the invitation were then made known to him; he burst into a fit of
-laughter. '"Retire to rest," is it? I wonder how people can tell such
-open and apparent _terra dilles_!' Then he indulged in another outbreak.
-'Faix, as Paddy says, they won't break their hearts with resting, I'll
-engage!' 'Come, come, Master B., you must behave yourself!' 'Behave
-herself, did you say? No doubt she does--like an angel under trying
-circumstances.' 'Challenge him, Mitchel, to a game at billiards--do
-anything to arrest his wicked conversation,' said G. 'Remember my
-respectability is at stake.' 'Oh,' said B., 'it's three to one against
-you; what's it in--ponies?' 'Worse and worse!' replied G. 'First he
-throws away his loose words, and now he wants to throw away his loose
-cash.' 'Oh, you cave in, do you?' said B. 'Well, so be it; but now I'm
-going to be serious.' His eyes were dancing with laughter, and the
-internal chuckling was so overpowering that he could scarcely speak.
-'I've got a little plan in my head----' 'A maggar, or anything else
-that's lively,' interposed Mitchel. 'No,' replied B., 'I wouldn't
-deprive you for the world; but it's this: If we all set to work
-carefully, set all our watches an hour slow, and you, G., set all your
-clocks to the same time, it will be our own fault if we can't persuade
-H. that his watch is an hour fast.'
-
-'Oh, that will never do!' replied G. 'Mrs. H. always sends his palankeen
-for him at the time appointed, and he always goes by that, and with
-that, or in that, if you prefer it.' 'That's capital,' said Henry B.;
-'that will make all sure. I will go out when the man I shall set to
-watch tells me that the palkee is coming, and direct the bearers to take
-it to the back of the godowns, and to wait there till Mr. H. sends for
-them; and then if your butler provides them a good curry and rice, and
-the wherewithal to wash it down, I'll be bound they won't disturb their
-master.' 'On my word,' said G., 'it looks promising! I've really half a
-mind to try it. But will you, all of you, loyally support me and back
-me up?' 'Of course they will,' said young B.; 'only you resolve to have
-a whole mind, and not a half one, every man will be steadfast and true.'
-'You may count upon one man, at least,' said Mitchel. My brother, led
-away by the spirit of fun and frolic, confesses that he also promised to
-be one of the conspirators, and to aid and abet as far as in him lay.
-'Oh, but there's still old Captain B.!' said Mitchel. 'Never mind him,'
-said G. 'I will undertake to seduce him, though I'm not a blooming young
-maiden of bashful fifteen.' 'Who's wicked now, I wonder?' said Henry B.
-
-'Now's the day and now's the hour,' said Mitchel, as he entered G.'s
-dining-room. 'And "see the conquering hero comes,"' said my brother.
-'That's the text on the present occasion.' 'No, no, Doctor, it's agreed
-we're to have none of that.' 'Well,' returned my brother, 'it reminds me
-very much of Scott's story in "Guy Mannering," which records how a
-number of the porters, criers, and others of like degree attached to a
-High Court of Judicature were, for the nonce, appointed to determine the
-difficult and intricate questions arising from a long dormant claim of
-inheritance, the essential conditions required being that those who were
-to determine the case should be men of _no knowledge_. So we are met to
-do honour to a certain valiant knight, but are not to describe or
-specify his achievements. On my word it's delightful: nothing can so
-present the "Lucus a non lucendo" principle more luminously.' 'But _I_
-say,' said Mitchel, 'we are here assembled to punish G.'s good things,
-and not to carry out any visionary ideas of vain glorification and
-self-laudation, simply to rejoice in the conviction that "all's well
-that ends well."' 'So be it,' said G.; 'and here comes Hooper,' who was
-greeted cordially by all present. How could it be otherwise? I never
-knew the man who did not like and respect him. He was greatly amused at
-hearing of the conditions of the feast. 'Truly, you ought to be called
-the club of Odd Fellows; but _chacun à son goût_. It's a relief to me,
-as, otherwise, I should, I suppose, have been called upon for a speech.'
-'Oh,' said G., 'you will certainly have to make a speech, and it must be
-in honour of Mitchel. The only peculiarity is that you are not to say
-what he is to be honoured for.' 'That's the regulation, is it?' said H.,
-laughing. 'Again I say you certainly have earned the title of Odd
-Fellows; besides, I don't see how such a whimsical regulation can be
-complied with.' 'You'll see your way out of it, never fear,' said
-Mitchel, 'when you have had a few glasses of côte d'or.' 'I hope I
-shall, but I don't now,' replied H.
-
-Mr. Henry B., Mr. H., and Captain Brennan now made their appearance. The
-newcomers were warmly welcomed, and almost immediately afterwards dinner
-was announced. Dinners are so much alike that it would be almost an
-impertinence to enter into details; it is enough to assure those
-interested in such matters that the champagne and claret, the
-soda-water, etc., were all properly refrigerated, and the punkah-pullers
-did their duty. The table was a round one, and the party seven, so that
-the conversation was general.
-
-After the feeding was over, and the wine had circulated two or three
-times, the gathering became a very merry one. By-and-by Mr. Hooper was
-called on by the host to give the toast of the evening, but requested to
-bear in mind the conditions imposed. Mr. H. rose and spoke thus:
-'Gentlemen, I have been requested by our worthy host, under certain
-conditions, to propose a toast. I can truly say that no gentleman rising
-in a certain honourable House to deliver his maiden speech ever felt
-himself in a position of greater difficulty than I do at this moment.
-Were I a new Demosthenes, or a Cicero, or both rolled into one, it would
-still be difficult to speak of a noble action without referring to it,
-without describing it, and without stating what it averted. This being
-so, I must leave you, who feel on this subject, I am sure, as much as I
-do myself, to interpret my feelings for me, and to imagine all that I
-would have said, had not your special regulation, by which you have
-fairly earned the designation of Odd Fellows, prevented me. Neither do I
-forget the old saying regarding brevity; therefore, in proposing
-Lieutenant Mitchel's health, which I trust will be drunk with all the
-honours, I beg leave to say that in my heart I believe I am proposing
-the health of as brave and generous and noble-hearted an officer as
-there is in the service, and if I knew of anything stronger than this to
-say in his praise I would say it. Gentlemen and friends, I beg to
-propose the health of Lieutenant Mitchel, of the ---- Regiment, M.N.I.'
-As Mr. H. sat down there was most vociferous cheering, clapping, etc.,
-and Mitchel's health was drunk in the most approved fashion.
-
-Lieutenant Mitchel now stood up and said: 'Gentlemen, speechifying isn't
-my line; therefore I feel sure that you will not insist on my attempting
-what I know I can't do. But, gentlemen, pray believe me when I say that
-I feel your kindness most deeply, though I have not the gift of words to
-express it. I beg to drink all your healths, and thank you heartily for
-the manner in which you have drunk mine. I also beg to thank Mr. H.
-especially for the kind and handsome way he has spoken of me.'
-
-'Bravo, Mitchel! A very good speech indeed!' said Mr. G., as soon as the
-shouting and hip-hipping allowed him to be heard. 'Now, Doctor, we must
-call upon you, who, after all, are the most interested in this affair.'
-'Truly, as you have said, most noble President,' replied my brother, as
-he rose to respond to the call made on him, 'I am the person most
-interested, because I am the person most benefited, and were I without a
-wife or family I should say solely benefited. At any rate, I have
-received that described elsewhere in these words, "What will not a man
-give for his life?" Sure, to a brave man, the stab of a poniard or
-knife, the stroke of a sabre, or the blow from a ball, are, as respects
-himself, little heeded, and are faced without a moment's hesitation on
-very slight grounds. But, gentlemen, there are pangs that strike deeper,
-and pangs that are felt more keenly by the bravest than any that can
-affect him personally. Can a husband, think you, feel no deeper pang at
-parting for ever from a beloved wife? Can a father, think you, leave
-helpless orphans behind him and feel no deeper pang than lead or steel
-can inflict? Your own kindly hearts, silently yet eloquently, answer my
-questions. Can I, then, measure the extent of my obligations to a friend
-who has saved me from sorrows such as these? Lifelong gratitude is
-insufficient to mark that measure. Well may I repeat his simple but
-genuine expression of feeling when I say, "I have not the gift of words
-to express it." Gentlemen, I am forbidden by the regulation which has
-been established, not because we are "Odd Fellows," as suggested by our
-excellent friend Mr. H., but on account of the extreme modesty of that
-matchless friend to whom I owe so much, but may not name. The king of
-our party for this evening has enjoined us to go into no details, and to
-avoid all particulars. I am thus forbidden to speak as I would wish of
-that lightning-flash of intellect, which, guided by his rapid eye,
-revealed to him instantaneously a danger that no one but himself
-perceived. In like manner I am debarred from enlarging on that
-decision--that wonderful decision that guided his action. A single
-second's delay would have enabled the poor maniac to strike, and so
-close and with such a weapon, death would have been inevitable. Neither
-am I permitted to describe that instantaneous and robust action which
-converted the internal electric message and order into practice.
-Intelligence like intuition, decision without an instant's hesitation,
-with courage, strength, and skill, as well as reckless self-devotion,
-are all manifested here in the highest degree; qualities which, when
-united, win the love, respect, and admiration of all who witness them,
-and which, in addition, so far as concerns myself, have converted a
-casual acquaintance into a grateful and attached friend for life.
-
-'Gentlemen, I should infringe our regulation if I stated the name of the
-man to whom these remarks refer; but it needs not, there is a _vox non
-audita_, as well as a _lex non scripta_, and this inaudible voice will
-teach you to whom my words apply: and also those words I have not
-spoken, those words which would in part convey by sounds the thoughts
-and feelings that must remain unspoken, ineffable, the thoughts and
-feelings of a grateful heart. Gentlemen, before I sit down, I beg leave
-to drink all your healths.'
-
-During the whole time that my brother was speaking there was a profound
-silence; when he sat down there was a hum and a subdued thumping on the
-table, but not the uproarious applause that had greeted the two previous
-speakers. During almost the whole time occupied by my brother's speech,
-Mitchel had remained with his head bowed over the table; when my brother
-sat down he stretched his hand over to him, and there was a long
-pressure of hands, while both were perfectly silent.
-
-Mr. G. now got up and said: 'The deep feeling and the good sense of the
-Doctor's admirable speech seem to have subdued us all, but at the same
-time to have decreased our mirth. This must not be; we are met here to
-illustrate the value and the wisdom of our dear Shakespeare's words,
-"All's well that ends well," so let us have a hip! hip! hurray for the
-Doctor's speech, and then we'll call on one of our friends to sing or do
-something to enliven us; or we'll order coffee, and get up a match at
-billiards.' So the hurraying was duly gone through, and then, as no one
-seemed inclined for more wine, coffee was ordered; and shortly after Mr.
-H. took his departure.
-
-Henry B. then said aloud to one of the peons: 'Will you go and call my
-boy, Ramasawmy. I've forgotten my cigar-case.' Ramasawmy appeared almost
-before G. could say: 'Never mind your cheroots. I've got a lot of good
-ones here, so help yourself.' 'Thank you,' said B., 'I'll take one to
-amuse me till my own are forthcoming; but I don't wish to lose my case.
-I dare say it's in the palkee.' Ramasawmy departed, but having been
-carefully instructed shortly came back to say he couldn't find it. 'Oh,
-you're a stupid fellow!' said B., 'I'll be bound I find it in a minute.
-Just excuse me for a moment or two, and I'll be back almost before you
-can look round.' So B. and his boy, Ramasawmy, went to the palankeen,
-and of course found no cigar-case.
-
-'Now, boy,' said B., 'you know where you're to watch. Here's the
-cigar-case; you are, as soon as you see the palkee coming, to run back
-and give the case to me publicly. I shall then ask you where you found
-it, and you must reply: "Come with me, sir, and I will show"--you
-understand.' 'Yes, sar, understand.' After this little private dialogue,
-B. returned, saying as he rejoined his friends: 'It's odd I can't find
-the case in the palkee, so I have ordered the boy to go home for it.'
-'What a fuss you make about the case, B.; you can get cigars and plenty
-here, so make yourself easy, man, and take up a cue,' said G. 'There
-will be four of you without me; I'll look on.' 'I'll be hanged if you
-do!' returned Mitchel, 'we'll draw lots; lowest figure sits out.' 'I'm
-afraid,' said Mr. H., 'that you must not count on me; you must make up
-your match without me; you know that I bargained with you, G., that I
-was to leave about half-past nine.' 'All right,' said G., 'it's a long
-way off that now; there's oceans of time for a match.' 'Well,' said H.,
-'if I do play, the match must be a short one, say fifty.' 'Don't be
-alarmed, man,' said G., 'there's plenty of time for a hundred.' 'No,
-no,' said H., 'I can't play if it's more than a fifty.' 'Come,' said G.,
-'split the difference, we'll make it seventy.' 'So be it then,' said H.;
-'let us make our sides at once. Mitchel is the best amongst us,
-therefore whoever has him must give ten points.' 'Agreed,' said G., 'but
-who sits out? There's the Doctor, Captain B., and Henry B.' 'I really
-can't play till I hear about my cigar-case,' said H. B. 'Upon my word,
-B., you make more bother about the confounded case than it's worth,'
-said Mitchel. 'I shouldn't wonder,'said G., 'that he has got some notes
-on pink paper richly perfumed in that same case, instead of cigars.'
-'Oh, that's it, is it!' said H.; 'I really began to think he was getting
-off his head. I never knew him to care two straws about a cigar-case
-before.' 'It's very hard,' said B., with a pretended mock-modest air,
-'that a man can't look for his cigar-case without having all his little
-peccadillos inquired into, and without, as it were, being hauled up for
-summary judgment. I say "live and let live;" you go on with your game,
-and I'll go on with mine.'
-
-All this was really so well acted that poor Mr. H. was entirely thrown
-off his guard. Captain B. could not see very well by candle-light, so he
-declined playing; thus the sides were G. and my brother against H. and
-Mitchel. The game was begun with great spirit by Mitchel, who scored a
-dozen before G. had made a point. By-and-by Mitchel was put out, and H.
-and G. played very evenly; then G. was put out, and it was my brother
-against H., both cautious, the score thirty-five to twenty-eight. 'If we
-don't get on faster than this,' said H., 'I shall have to throw up; my
-palkee will be here shortly, and as Mrs. H. sits up for me, I never
-keep her waiting.' 'Of course you could not do that,' said G. 'Of course
-not,' said my brother. At this moment Ramasawmy entered panting and
-holding up the cigar-case, and exclaiming: 'I've found it, sir!' 'Where
-did you find it?' said B. 'Was it at home, or was it, after all, in the
-palkee?' 'Come and see, sir! I show place in the palkee.' 'Before you
-go,' said G., 'let us see what kind are the cigars you've got in it.'
-'Not for the world,' said B., possessing himself of the case, and
-buttoning it up in a breast-pocket; 'not for the world.' 'That's too
-bad,' said Mitchel, 'after all this palaver, not to let us see what the
-tobacco's like; very shabby, upon my life.' 'I see,' said G., laughing;
-'I say, B., tell us her Christian name.' But H. B. was off to his palkee
-to see where the case could have been hidden; but instead of stopping at
-his palkee, he walked on rapidly in the direction indicated by his boy.
-He soon met Mr. H.'s palkee and bearers; he stopped them at once (and
-being master's cousin they had not the slightest suspicion that the Saib
-was cozening them), and said to them: 'Mr. H. does not want to go home
-just yet, so you come with me, and I'll show you where to put the
-palkee; and while you wait I'll tell the butler to send you a good
-curry, and a bottle of brandy.' Bearers are very good fellows as a rule,
-yet they are but men, after all; therefore, after a little show of
-resistance, they followed Mr. B., who took them to the back of the
-godowns in perfect silence, then qualms of conscience, or more properly
-fear of consequences, overcame their resolution, and the head boy said:
-'But, sar, missis very angry, not bring master home soon.' 'Yes,' said
-Henry B., 'missis a little angry, but master much like to stay.'
-
-While the boys were hesitating, the curry and rice and the bottle of
-brandy made their appearance. This almost decided the matter, but fear
-again interfered in this shape. 'But, sar, what can tell when come too
-late--what can tell?' 'You can say that Mr. G. so good; give curry and
-rice while master play. Then when curry and rice done eat you lay down
-to sleep, and you make a little mistake and sleep a little too long.'
-The rascals grinned, evidently relishing the joke and the prospect.
-Still they might have refused had not B. judiciously vanquished their
-scruples by placing 10 Rs. in the hand of the head bearer. They looked
-at one another, their eyes gleamed, and then they severally pressed Mr.
-B.'s hand against their foreheads, which he perfectly understood as a
-sign of fealty and allegiance for the time; then he left them to enjoy
-their feast, and went back to his friends.
-
-On his return he said: 'It was no great wonder that I couldn't find it;
-it had somehow slipped from the pocket between the panel and the lining.
-Even when we got to the palkee the boy himself was some time before he
-could again find the place.' 'Very good,' said G.; 'the mysterious
-disappearance of the case is at last accounted for. But won't you, now
-that you've got it safe, let us look at the tobacco? What can your
-objection be?' 'Really, G.,' said H. B., 'you wouldn't ask me to do such
-a thing! I appeal to you, would it be honourable, or gentleman-like, or
-generous, or--or proper in any point of view? Now would it?' 'Good
-heavens!' returned G.; 'you quite overwhelm me. Is there anything
-dishonourable, or ungentleman-like, or improper in showing a little
-tobacco? You must be dreaming.' 'No, G.; but you know what I mean. Now
-don't, like a good fellow, press me. Of course there could be nothing
-wrong in showing a little tobacco; but you know (don't press me too
-hard)--suppose, I say--suppose it were possible that the case did or
-might contain---- I say, suppose it were possible that it did
-contain----' 'Well,' said G., laughing heartily and in good earnest at
-the admirable way in which B. acted his part--'well, if there should be,
-what?' 'Upon my life, it's not fair. You know very well, every gentleman
-knows, that there are some things which honour forbids him to speak of,
-and some things which honour doubly forbids him to show.' 'Game,' said
-G., as he made a winning hazard and a canon at the same stroke. 'I bow,'
-said Mr. H.; 'and now it's time for me to go.' 'Nonsense!' said G.; 'it
-isn't near your time yet. We ran this game off so quickly that there
-will be time--plenty of time--for another short game.' 'It is not so, I
-assure you,' said H.; 'in fact, I ought to be off now. But I can't think
-what detains my palkee.' 'Why, it's not much beyond half-past eight
-yet,' said G. 'What's the hurry? You're due to us till half-past nine at
-least.' 'But,' said H., 'it's half-past nine now. See for yourself'
-(pulling out his watch); 'it's just half-past nine.' 'Half-past nine!
-It's impossible! We haven't been playing half an hour, and I'm sure it
-wasn't more than eight when we began.' 'Facts are stubborn things,
-friend G. If you won't believe my watch, look at your own.' 'I never was
-so deceived if it is so,' said G.; 'that's all I can say. Chasra, on my
-dressing-table you'll find my watch; bring it me.'
-
-While G.'s watch was being sent for the other conspirators consulted
-their watches. Mitchel said: 'I can't look at mine, for it's at--for
-it's at--I'm ashamed to mention where, lest my uncle should reproach
-me.' All laughed at this sally till H. said: 'Why, what's that in your
-waistcoat pocket? And is that handsome chain attached to nothing?' 'Oh,
-this,' said Mitchel--'this is only for show, and as for the other, it's
-only a dummy. The real Simon pure is gone on a ticket of leave; in
-short, it's a case of tick, tick.' 'Well, you're a humourist, Master
-Mitchel, as well as the king of the evening; but this does not prove
-that it's not half-past nine.' 'Half-past nine!' said Henry B.; 'it's
-quite out of the question. I've been waiting to hear what the others
-said, but here's my ticker--not gone on a ticket of leave as my friend's
-has--and it says no such thing: but as I'm not very precise in setting
-and winding up, I wait to hear what others say.' Captain B. now produced
-an old-fashioned watch of amazing dimensions, which he showed to my
-brother, begging him to say what time it pointed to. 'Half-past eight
-p.m.,' said my brother. 'Ah,' said the old Captain, 'it never varies a
-minute in the twenty-four hours. It's a chronometer, though rather an
-old one; set it at 6 a.m. in the morning, and at 6 a.m. the next morning
-there won't be the difference of a half minute.' 'What does your watch
-say, Doctor?' inquired H.; 'it's very extraordinary that there should be
-such a difference.' 'My watch,' said my brother, 'points to half-past
-eight precisely.' Here G.'s Chasra came in with G.'s watch in his hand.
-G. opened it, and held it out triumphantly to H. 'I can't make it out,'
-said that gentleman; 'the watch was all right this morning, and I can
-see it hasn't stopped. I can't think what has happened; all the watches
-agree except mine.' 'It is very remarkable,' said G. 'I really can't
-quite understand, nor explain it either, unless you by some accident set
-your watch an hour too fast.' 'That's just it,' said Henry B.; 'that's
-what he has done that he might get away the sooner. He says it was an
-accident.' 'I never said anything of the kind,' said H.; 'it was G. who
-suggested it, as a possible explanation. But what do your clocks say,
-G.? You have one very good hall clock by Frodsham, and a Samuel Slick;
-if they agree and say 8.30 p.m., I shall think that, by some mental
-preoccupation, I must have made the mistake you suggest. But truly it's
-a singular accident that never happened before.' 'He says,' said B.,
-'that he thinks it must have been an accident. I have my own opinion as
-to that; he's an artful dodger, is this worthy cousin of mine. An
-accident done for the purpose might perhaps explain the matter. Here he
-comes with G., after examining the clocks.'
-
-'Well, what say you now?' said H. B. 'I suppose,' replied H., 'I must
-have made the mistake of setting my watch an hour too fast, though how I
-can have done so, and not have observed it all day, is past my
-comprehension.' 'What's the use of talking?' said H. B. 'The thing is
-clear enough. All our watches agree, and so you find do the clocks. But
-there's another proof--if your palkee were here, you would be sure that
-you were right, and that we were wrong; but you see it isn't here, and
-you can't suppose that Mrs. H. has made any mistake, can you?' 'Why,
-no,' said H.; 'she's very accurate as to time.' 'Well,' returned H. B.,
-'that must be a great comfort to you,' though he could scarcely restrain
-his laughter. 'Now let us have another game,' said G., 'for a hundred,
-and that will give you and Mitchel a chance of recovering your lost
-laurels.' 'Aye, come along H.; we'll beat them this time,' said Mitchel.
-'And as you've got ample time for play, there need be no hurried
-strokes.' 'Ah!' returned H.; 'I intend to play this time.' 'Bravo!' said
-G., though he could scarcely speak from his desire to laugh. My brother
-kept silent from the same cause, and Captain B. was openly on the broad
-grin. But all this passed off. H. was fairly talked down, persuaded by
-the cumulative evidence brought to bear against him that his senses had
-on this occasion deceived him; to use the popular expression, he was
-fairly persuaded out of his senses, to which result the non-arrival of
-the palankeen mainly contributed. He knew very well that Mrs. H. was not
-likely to make any mistake relative to her personal comforts; so, his
-mind being set at ease, he bent his whole energies to the play, and
-right well he did play. When the game was over, Mitchel confessed that
-it was H., and not himself, who had won it; and when G. and my brother
-acknowledged their defeat, H., in high feather, said, 'I must say it
-serves you right; you've done nothing but laugh and joke, and have paid
-attention to everything but your game. If fellows, when they have any
-kind of opponents, will do that, they deserve to lose.' 'Spoken like a
-judge, indeed,' observed G.; still, for some unaccountable reason, he
-continued to chuckle and laugh. '"Spoken like a judge!" I say, "Spoken
-like an oracle,"' said Mitchel. 'Judges are sometimes wrong; oracles
-never.' 'Ah, there it is!' said H.; 'it's this kind of chaff that's been
-the ruin of your game. You keep on provoking each other to laugh, till
-none of you can hold a cue steadily. The Doctor twice missed the
-simplest canon, merely from laughing.' Here H.'s harangue was cut short
-by H. B., who came in from outside to announce the arrival of Mr. H.'s
-palkee and bearers, to whom he had in a moment given the welcome
-intelligence that they need make no apology for being late, as Mr. H.
-had not required them. In a few seconds after, Mr. H. B. did so in his
-own peculiar manner--_i.e._, by calling out 'Mr. H.'s carriage stops the
-way,' which was scarcely pronounced when the bearers announced
-themselves by their 'hum, hum; ha, ha,' etc. H. at once descended from
-the judgment-seat into the obedient husband. He lost no time in bidding
-good-bye and shaking hands with everyone. 'Can't stay any longer, thank
-you, G. You know I bargained to go at half-past nine, and it's fully
-that now.' 'Yes,' said H. B., 'I think it's full that now; therefore
-it's time for you to go. I know Mrs. H. won't go to bed till you go
-home. Well, if ever I take a wife, I hope I shall get such a blessing.
-Good-bye.' 'Good-bye,' said H. As he got into his palankeen, he said, 'I
-thank you, G., for a very pleasant evening.' 'Good-bye,' was returned
-by all. As Mr. H. moved off, he said, 'Let me recommend you all to
-follow my example.' 'We would if we could,' returned H. B., 'but we
-haven't got the opportunity.' 'Oh yes, you have; you can all retire
-early if you will.'
-
-Mr. H. was no sooner gone than the whole party gave way freely to the
-laughter they had been so long contending against; it was hearty and
-long continued. The first who recovered himself was G. 'I did not know,'
-said he to H. B., 'that you were such an accomplished actor, B. Your
-acting about the cigar-case and the supposed _billet-doux_ was really
-inimitable.' 'Yes,' said Mitchel; 'he did it so well that he really
-deceived me, and made me think that he actually had got something of
-that kind in his case.' 'There it is,' said H. B.; 'if you can find any
-_billet-doux_ therein, you may keep them for your trouble.' 'There,'
-replied Mitchel; 'I agree with G. that you are a first-rate actor, or
-dissembler, whichever term you like best.' 'Oh, they're both so highly
-complimentary that all I can do is to bow and say, "Pray spare my
-blushes,"' which he uttered with such an affected and coquettish air and
-manner that again he set the whole party in a roar. 'H. says,' resumed
-H. B., 'that he thanks G. for a very pleasant evening. I hope he will
-find it equally so when he gets home; but, as our friends on the north
-of the Tweed say, "I ha'e my doots."' 'I also "ha'e my doots,"' said G.
-'I don't think,' said my brother, 'that I "ha'e any doots"; on the
-contrary, I strongly suspect (if what I hear be not altogether
-libellous) that he will find the atmosphere at home uncommonly hot just
-now.' 'I shouldn't wonder, from his haste to be gone as soon as the
-palkee came here, that he has a fear of what's coming,' said old Captain
-B. 'Well,' said B., 'I agree with you, and shouldn't wonder if before he
-reaches the petticoat he has an attack of cold shivers. Some ladies, for
-the offence of keeping them waiting, would content themselves with
-making the atmosphere cool, or cold, according to the gravity of the
-crime, and the length of time it had been persisted in; but dear Mrs. H.
-is of such a temperament that I am sure poor H. will find neither
-coolness nor coldness in his domestic atmosphere--it will be hot, very
-hot, you may rely on it.' 'If,' said the old Captain, 'he does not get
-his wig combed by a three-legged stool, he may think himself lucky.'
-'Well said again, B.,' said G. 'You've been silent all the evening, and
-now you're beginning to come out in good style.' 'The truth is, I was
-afeard to say anythink, lest I should laugh outright; and I never likes
-to spile sport,' said the old man. 'No,' said G., 'I'm sure you don't;
-you're too good a sample of an old salt to do that.' 'Sailors ain't
-commonly fond of doing that, I do think,' replied the old boy, highly
-pleased at the compliment. 'Only think,' said H. B., 'how H. is catching
-it now! I should pity him, if I could for laughing.' 'I confess,' said
-G., 'the fun overcomes the pity, in my mind. If a man _likes_ to have
-dirty water emptied on his head _à la_ Mrs. Xantippe, he deserves what
-he gets. We have, after all, only detained him an hour, so that there
-isn't anything really to complain of; and he is perfectly innocent of
-any premeditated crime. We can all bear witness that it was only by a
-ruse that we got him to stay at all. Knowing this as he must do, he
-shows himself to be neither manly nor wise,' remarked G., 'to suffer
-himself to be so used; but if he likes it, let him have it.' 'So I say,'
-said Mitchel; 'let him have it.' 'But,' said my brother, 'what was the
-object, Mitchel, of your pretty little tale about your watch and your
-uncle, and all that, when, not more than ten minutes before, I saw you
-put a handsome gold hunter into your waistcoat pocket?' 'Why, you see,'
-replied Mitchel, 'I don't like telling any more lies than are needful,
-and therefore I evaded the question.' 'Commend me to your nice and
-delicate conscience!' replied my brother. 'You tell half a dozen
-unnecessary lies to avoid one.' 'Come, Doctor, that won't do. Is there
-no difference in fabricating terradiddles such as these, and answering a
-direct question by a designedly untruthful reply?' 'Now,' replied my
-brother, 'you are turning jest into earnest; you forget the whole thing
-was a joke.' 'No joke to H., you may rely on that, as he has found out
-before now,' said H. B. 'Oh, let us hope,' said G., 'that the fire has
-burnt itself out, and that they have made it up, and set things right by
-this time.' 'Amen,' said Mitchel; 'let them fight, or love--it's all the
-same to me.' It was now near 12 p.m. My brother had taken his departure
-some time before; Captain B. had done the same; Mitchel and H. B. only
-were left, and they now wished G. good-night, both declaring that they
-had spent a very jolly evening. Just before H. B. got into his palkee,
-he said, 'I think I shall call on Mrs. H. to-morrow.' 'No,' returned G.;
-'you haven't impudence enough for that.' 'Haven't I? We shall see,' said
-H. B. 'Yes, we shall see,' said G. 'Good-night.' 'Good-night,' returned
-B., and off he went.
-
-The next day, as my brother was returning from his hospital, at which he
-had had an extra and emergent case, he saw B.'s palkee at G.'s door, and
-though he was anxious to get home to his dinner (he always dined at 3
-p.m.), curiosity prompted him to look in at G.'s for a few minutes. G.
-said, as he shook hands with him: 'You've come just in time to hear B.'s
-report of his visit to Mrs. H.' 'To Mrs. H.? Surely he has not had the
-audacity to go there! I should have thought that after the little
-performances of last night that was the last place he would have
-ventured near.' 'So did I,' replied G., 'and though he said last night
-before he left that he thought he should call on Mrs. H. this morning, I
-didn't believe he meant to do it.' 'But he has done it,' said H. B.,
-'and if you like I'll tell you what passed between us.' 'Of course we
-should like to hear the report beyond everything.' 'Well,' said B., his
-eyes dancing with the sense of fun, 'as soon as I stepped out of the
-palkee the maty came running to say Mrs. not very well; couldn't see me.
-I expected this, and was prepared for it. I had written on one of my
-cards in pencil "Very particular." I gave it to him, and told him to
-give it to his mistress, and that I would wait for the answer. By-and-by
-he came to say that if I would step into the drawing-room and sit down
-for a few minutes Mrs. H. would see me. So I sat down, and in about ten
-minutes the fair lady made her appearance, and without saying
-good-morning, or shaking hands with me, or any of the usual proprieties,
-she said at once: "Very pretty doings at Mr. Goodwin's last
-night--doings that I don't think at all respectable--keeping my husband
-out half the night." "Oh, not so bad as that, Harriet" (we are cousins,
-you know), interrupted I. "As to the exact time I can't say," said Mrs.
-H., "but I know he was much later than he ought to have been, and much
-later than he promised me he would be, and I don't thank you for helping
-to detain him--in fact, from his account you were quite as bad as Mr. G.
-himself." "If you knew all," said I, "you wouldn't say that." "If I knew
-all," said Mrs. H. "What do you mean"--opening her eyes wide--"if I knew
-all? Pray explain yourself." "It is for that reason that I am here,"
-said I. "Well, what is it?" said the lady, becoming impatient. "But I
-know"--making her eyes small again--"you have nothing to tell me; you
-only want to excuse and smooth down that very pretty, gentleman-like
-trick of deceiving my husband as to the hour. I wonder you were not all
-of you ashamed to combine together to tell a falsehood in order to
-deceive a poor----" Here she stopped. "Weak silly fellow" I thought was
-coming, but she recollected herself in time and stopped, and then said:
-"But I'll take care how he goes to Mr. G.'s again, that you may rely on.
-And pray, sir" (I saw she was getting warm), "what may this explanation
-or excuse be that you say on your card is so _very particular_?" "Why,
-really, Mrs. H., though I have come here for this very purpose, I
-hesitate to tell you." "But I insist upon knowing, sir, though you have
-not acted in this instance as a relative. I consider you are bound in
-honour and as a gentleman to tell me what you have called me from a
-sick-bed to hear. Pray go on, sir. But tell me, before you do so, how it
-was that my bearers were decoyed to eat and drink with Mr. G.'s servants
-before they announced themselves. Was that another of his pretty little
-devices to induce a husband to break his promises, and spend his evening
-away from his wife? A very pretty and respectable leader for all the
-young men of the place; but it's quite consistent with his disreputable
-mode of life. But for you, a relative, to league yourself with such a
-man, and to aid and abet him in his vile arts and practices, it's too
-bad--really disgraceful! And then there's that disreputable Doctor,
-leaving his wife to spend what he calls a jolly evening. As he doesn't
-seem to know it, it's a pity his wife doesn't teach him his duty better,
-and she would if she were the right stamp of woman; but she isn't, poor
-benighted creature, with her papistry and superstition! If it wasn't for
-this she'd teach that good-for-nothing, disreputable husband of hers not
-to go on in such a disgraceful way." Here she really couldn't go on for
-want of breath, so I said: "But what does the Doctor do that's
-disgraceful?" "Does he not leave his wife to spend the night by herself
-in order that he may consort with bachelors and boys? He, a married man,
-and a medical man too! Isn't that disgraceful? But I suppose not in
-your estimation." "On my honour, Mrs. H., I can't see any harm in the
-Doctor's spending an evening with a friend, though he has the misfortune
-to be a bachelor." "Oh, there are always two ways of putting things, Mr.
-B., and if the company in themselves were not highly unbecoming for a
-married man and a medical man and a senior to keep, was it not
-unbecoming and disgraceful to help in telling a lie? You may not
-consider such conduct disgraceful, but I do, sir, especially when I know
-the object. Then, to make your party the more select, you could find no
-one, besides the vulgar old sea-captain, or whatever he may be, and that
-roistering, drinking, smoking, gambling, irreligious young fellow,
-Lieutenant Mitchel, making good the old saying, 'Tell me your company
-and I'll tell you what you are.'" She had nearly run herself out, but I
-was patient, and only said: "Truly, Mrs. H., you have given the whole
-party all round a sharp dressing." "Sharp dressing! I only wish I had
-the power to do so; you'd see I wouldn't spare them!" ("I'm sure you
-wouldn't," said I to myself; but I spoke no word.) "Sharp dressing
-indeed! Not half as much as they deserve who invent and tell lies with
-intent to do mischief and breed disturbance in families! Faugh! I
-haven't patience with such doings or such people! And then your
-magnanimous, generous, and hospitable friend, Mr. G., could extend his
-hospitality to everyone in the station but poor Mr. Gundert, who is too
-poor himself to drink a glass of champagne, though the good man enjoys
-it, when he does get it, perhaps a little more than he, as a clergyman,
-ought to do. Him Mr. G. couldn't include in his invite. No; a good and
-pious, really religious man would be out of place at Mr. G.'s table, and
-wouldn't be acceptable, I suppose, either to himself or the rest of the
-set he has there." Having now gone all round the ring, and thoroughly
-run herself down, she returned to the question which, in her anger and
-indignation against Mr. G. and all his friends, she had allowed to
-remain dormant for a time, and once more she said: "What is this
-explanation that is so 'very particular,' and which nevertheless you, in
-your great delicacy and diffidence, hesitate to communicate? Will you
-now condescend to mention it, or will you leave it unspoken? Only as I
-am not well I request you to come to a decision without more delay." She
-then allowed her hands to fall into her lap, and looked me, with her
-eyes wide open, full in the face. It was well for me that she hadn't the
-strength or claws or fangs of a tigress, or undoubtedly it would have
-been bad for me. As it was, I bore her stare without flinching, and
-said: "If you will permit me to make the remark, I have been waiting
-with some little patience for you to give me the opportunity of making
-this explanation. I could not do so sooner without interrupting you."
-"Well, sir, I am waiting your pleasure."
-
-'"Then, Mrs. H., I can truly say that all we did last night was done
-with the best intentions, and I am sorry to see that our little harmless
-joke has been taken up by you so very seriously."
-
-'"Harmless joke!" ejaculated Mrs. H.; "a nice sample of a harmless joke
-indeed, to deceive an unsuspecting man and make him break his word to
-his wife and thereby cause dissensions; a nice harmless joke indeed! But
-pray, sir, what do you mean by your 'good intentions'? No doubt they
-were as good as your acts. But what do you wish me to understand by the
-expression? Pray be brief, and, if you can, candid."
-
-'"Why, then, Mrs. H., we did it solely to please your husband."
-
-'"Stop, sir; don't add to your other ill-deeds by insulting Mr. H. as
-well as myself. A statement like that is too gross to tolerate."
-
-'"There it is," said I. "You won't hear me, but keep on pitching into
-me, and say that I am insulting H. and yourself."
-
-'"Yes, sir, I do say so, when you have the assurance to tell me that in
-deceiving my husband you did it to please him."
-
-'"Well, Mrs. H., why won't you let me explain to you my meaning?"
-
-'"Your meaning is insulting, sir."
-
-'"Don't be angry, Harriet, without cause."
-
-'"I have cause; and don't Harriet me. I don't wish to acknowledge
-relationship with one who acts so unlike a relation."
-
-'"Pardon me; I do not act unlike a relative. It is you who imagine that
-I act so. Now tell me, is it insulting to imagine that your husband
-likes a game at billiards, and that he would like to play the return
-game, only that he couldn't in consequence of his promise to you; is
-that insulting?"
-
-'"That is not insulting," returned Mrs. H.; "but I don't see what you
-are aiming at, and I know there is something behind."
-
-'"Well, then, so far, you admit, we were not to blame. Now, to afford
-him the opportunity of playing, while all the while he was perfectly
-innocent of any intention either to deceive you or to break his promise,
-is, after all, not a very serious offence, is it?"
-
-'"You have certainly honourably exonerated my husband from lending
-himself to your practices; but, in doing so, you have taken on
-yourselves the whole odium of the proceeding." And, getting angry again,
-she said: "Pray, sir, how do you know that my husband really wanted to
-play and have this return match, as you say? It is, in spite of all your
-ingenuity, a very poor compliment to me as well as to my husband to say
-or to insinuate that he preferred your sweet company to mine, for that's
-what it comes to."
-
-'"Oh no; nothing of the sort, Mrs. H. Consider Mr. H. has you always,
-and has seldom the chance of a match at billiards."
-
-'"Thank you, sir; your candour is equalled by your politeness; but I
-don't put the slightest faith in your story; I don't believe that my
-husband showed, by word or deed, that he would rather stay away from me.
-It's a vile insinuation and a libel. If I thought so I'd----But no,
-there isn't a particle of truth in the idea. What proof can you bring
-forward; what foundation have you for so scandalous a supposition?"
-
-'"I see you turn everything against me," said I, "and that whatever I
-say I only come in for more blame; therefore I'll say no more, though as
-to the proofs for our opinion they were palpable enough. People, all as
-one man, can't mistake joyous looks, and lively manner, and sparkling
-eyes for displeasure or for anything but signs of satisfaction; but I
-see you don't believe me, and that I am offending you still more."
-
-'"You are, sir, both displeasing and offending me. I wonder how you dare
-to traduce my husband behind his back in such a way, and to my very
-face, too; but, as I said before, it's a vile calumny, and I don't
-believe there's a shadow of ground for such an impertinent assumption;
-but the moment my husband comes home I shall ascertain if there is, and
-if----But I know it's all your evil disposition and imagination. I wish
-you good-morning, sir."
-
-'"Good-morning, Mrs. H.; I'm sorry to see that, instead of mending
-matters, as I hoped to do, I have----"
-
-'"There, sir, that will do," as she swept out of the room, waving me
-away from her with her hand. I restrained myself till I got into my
-palkee; since then I've done nothing but laugh--shook the palkee so
-much, that the boys looked in to see what was the matter; and then I
-heard them laughing among themselves, and I have hardly recovered yet.'
-
-'Upon my word,' said G., 'you possess an amount of cheek that I didn't
-give you credit for, nor did I think that little spitfire would let out
-so furiously.'
-
-'But poor H.,' said my brother, 'he got bastinadoed last night, it
-appears; and now you have let him in for a second castigation.'
-
-'Pooh, pooh!' said G.; 'if a man is such an ape as to allow himself to
-be so used by that little virago of a wife of his, he deserves all he
-gets for staying out an hour later than the time promised--to have all
-the dirty water in the house emptied on his head; he well deserves the
-libation for submitting to it so tamely; it is a very perfect
-illustration of the "palmam qui meruit, ferat."'
-
-So each of the parties was left to his own mood; G. contemptuous, though
-amused; my brother thoughtful, though inclined to laugh; and H. B.
-revelling in the fun and perfectly indifferent to everything beside.
-
-For two months after this date, Mr. and Mrs. H. passed each and every
-member of the party at G.'s with averted heads whenever they met them.
-Mr. G. and all his friends saluted them on every occasion just as usual,
-till at last this dreadful feud was healed, outwardly at least, by Mr.
-V.'s good offices; but H. never went again to any of G.'s parties.
-
-
-THE END.
-
-
-_Elliot Stock, Paternoster Row, London._
-
-
-
-
-
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