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diff --git a/40145-0.txt b/40145-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..98e9767 --- /dev/null +++ b/40145-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,3928 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 40145 *** + +[Illustration: THE FOOLISH ALMANAC 2nd] + + +PERPETUAL PASS + +Issued to: +Edw. C. Smith +_From_ Worryland +_To_ Laughter + +(To be used only on The Foolish Almanack 2nd Limited) +GOOD TILL DOOMSDAY + +_With the Compliments of the Season_ +John N. Luce & Co. + + +[Illustration: SIGNS OF THE ZODIAC UP-TO-DATE] + + +_THE_ +FOOLISH ALMANAK +For Anuthur Year + +THE FURST CINC THE INTRODUKSHUN OV THE +MUK-RAKE IN MAGAZEEN GARDNING, AND +THE SPELING REFORM OV OWR LANGWIJ + +By THEODOR ROSYFELT + + +Thair hay bin uthur Yearz but non like this. +Thingz wil Hapn. + +313 Dayz wil kum and 313 Dayz wil go and thair wil +be 52 Sundayz evn in the best regulayted Familiz. +Thair wil be at leest wun 23 for yu in eech munth. + + * * * * * + +LIFE WITHOUT IT WIL BE UN-SEAZOND + +By kind Purmishun ov the Jawn D. Rawkyfelurs the +Sun and Moon wil be purmitted 2 Arize and +Shine. The Shuberts wil regulayte the +Starz, and the Planits wil du +the best they kan. + +Hetty Green and J. Peerpont Morgun have garanteed the +Wethur. + + * * * * * + +_WITH APOLOGIZ TO THE KARNAGY SPELING SKOOL_ + +PURPETRAYTED, WITH THE AID OV WALLACE GOLDSMITH'S +PICTURZ, BY + +JOHN W. LUCE AND COMPANY +_BOSTON_ 1906 _LONDON_ + + + + +_Copyright, 1906, by_ +JOHN W. LUCE & COMPANY +_Boston, Mass., U. S. A._ + +_The Plimpton Press Norwood Mass. U. S. A._ + + + + +[Illustration] + + +Greeting + + Time was, is, and will be. Almanacks + have come and Almanacks + have gone. But Time has survived. + Only the Foolish Almanack + has been equal to the pleasant + Task of Killing it. + +We offer the Book as our Defense. + + +THE PUBLISHERS. + + + + +HELPFUL HINT FOR JANUARY: + + +Do not give way to vain regrets because you did not keep the +good resolves you made a year ago. It might be worse. You +might have kept the resolutions and have had no incentive +for leading a better life this year. + + * * * * * + +ECLIPSES FOR THE COMING YEAR + +If there are as many Eclipses as during 1905-6, it will be a +hard year on grafters and bosses. The editor is optimistic, +however, believing that the sanitary revolution which swept +the country has about blown over. Public confidence and +laxity have been restored in a large measure and the time is +now about ripe for us to get it in the neck again. + +[Sidenote: _DRESS HINT_: The first costume on record was a +hand-me-down from the fig tree. + +[Illustration] + +_AN ICE AGE_: Now is the time to cut ice. "Doc." Osler won't +like it if you wait until after you are 40.] + + + + +[Illustration] + +SUNDAY + +MONDAY Do not swear off anything. Wait 'till tax time. + +TUESDAY (1781) Baron Munchausen published his memoirs. + + (1901) Andrew Carnegie started writing his + autobiography. + +WEDNESDAY + +THURSDAY Erroneously spelled Thursday. It should be + spelled T-h-i-r-s-t-d-a-y (consult any of the + reformed who have been clinging to the water + wagon since Tuesday.) + +FRIDAY + +SATURDAY (1906) There was no genius born in Indiana this + day. + +JANUARY + +Reciprocity is the mother of contention. + + + + +UP IN MAINE + + + A thirsty, young sport, up in Me. + Pretended to suffer great Pe. + But when he'd imbibed + What the druggist prescribed, + He said he felt better Age. + +Note: We demanded a diagram for the above and the author +reluctantly provided it. He thinks that any one should know +that _Me._ is the abbreviation for Maine and that to make +the 2d and last lines rhyme you will readily read _Pe._ as +abbreviation for _pain_ and _Age._ as abbreviation for +_again_. We feel much better now and we hope you do, dear +reader.--_The Editor._ + +[Sidenote: _Health Hint_: Those who are always having the +hives should go into the bee business.] + +[Sidenote: _Household Advice_: To keep the kitchen fire hot, +keep it coaled.] + + + + +[Illustration] + +SUNDAY + +MONDAY Adam and Eve began housekeeping, and having + neither prying neighbors nor troublesome + servants they named their bungalow "Paradise." + +TUESDAY + +WEDNESDAY A four-flush only wins political pots. + --Poker Proverbs. + +THURSDAY + +FRIDAY Rosa Bonheur born. Rosa painted animals + and all of her competitors at the art + shows said her work was "beastly." + +SATURDAY + +JANUARY + +There are as good fish in the sea as there are in the fish +carts. + + + + +FORECAST FOR JANUARY + + +From January 1st until the 7th, and possibly in some cases +until the 9th or 10th, it will be very DRY. This drouth will +be followed by a long wet spell. The Zodiacal sharp who runs +things during January is Aquarius, which being translated +means "water-wagon." The only folks who never heard of +Aquarius live in the corn-belt of Kentucky. + + * * * * * + +From January 10th to the 15th, the weather will devote its +time to making up its mind what it is going to do. From the +15th to the 20th it will do it. + + * * * * * + +Dark clouds of remorse and despondency will reign during the +last week in January, but by February 1st you will have +become accustomed and resigned to your old habits. + +[Illustration] + +January will also be marked by "white goods sales," and (if +it's windy in the shopping district) skirt sails. + +[Sidenote: _Gardening Hint_: You cannot raise bread fruit +from cauliflour.] + +[Sidenote: _Health Hint_: If your blood is bad blame it on +your ancestors.] + + + + +[Illustration] + +SUNDAY + +MONDAY (1905) It was decided to build a sea-level-lock + canal in Panama. + + (2001) It was decided to build a lock-sea-level + canal instead. + +TUESDAY (3000 A.D.) At a quiet meeting, Daughters of + the Revolution elected their officers + unanimously. + +WEDNESDAY + +THURSDAY Wear Blinders! To gaze at anything + with the naked eye is immodest. + --Anthony Comstock. + +FRIDAY + +SATURDAY + +JANUARY + +Open confession may be good for the soul, but it's bad for +the reputation. + + + + +SEVEN WONDERS OF THE WORLD + + +Why a pretty ankle makes a "rubber-neck." + +Why a Kentucky "Colonel" is a "good Judge." + +Why chorus girls and lobsters always go together. + +Why a Grass-widow objects to a raking over. + +Why real pains from little champagnes grow. + +Why there is no "Midway" on the straight and narrow path. + +How a man can be "half-seas-over" on land. + + * * * * * + +TALE OF A TANK + + High-ball + Sad fall. + + Big head + 'Nuff said. + +[Sidenote: Muck-rakes will not be popular with trusts or +officialdom, but much sought after by literateurs. + +[Illustration] +] + + + + +[Illustration] + +SUNDAY + +MONDAY (1906) Great excitement in County Cork. Handy + Skinegie bit off a piece of the Blarney + stone before delivering his address on + "How I hate to be rich." + +TUESDAY (1925) Atlas seeks to retire from supporting + the world. American-Journal-Examiner + put at his service. + +WEDNESDAY + +THURSDAY + +FRIDAY (1906) T. Roosevelt began publishing a series + of short stories in the Congressional + Record. + +SATURDAY + +JANUARY + +A punch in the bowl is worth two in the face. + + + + +FOR THE HOME COMING + + +Before meeting his wife and family at the station a wise man +will put his house in order for the home coming. + + * * * * * + +A pleasant way of doing this is to give a house-cleaning +party. Divide your party into the Sweepers, the Dusters, the +Scrubbers, and the Dish Washers, giving each group proper +utensils and offering a prize for the best results. + + * * * * * + +Let the party begin at midnight, after a pleasant dinner, +and at about 2 in the morning the police will probably come +in and finish cleaning the place up. + +[Illustration] + +[Sidenote: _Dairy Hint_: Most dairymen find a separator +useful, but it is not absolutely necessary. To separate milk +most effectively, keep away from the pump.] + + + + +[Illustration] + +SUNDAY + +MONDAY Wm. Tell born. Some persons do not believe + the Wm. Tell story. What Tell do they believe? + +TUESDAY Publicity brings its own reward. + --Winston Churchill et al. + +WEDNESDAY + +THURSDAY + +FRIDAY Robinson Crusoe born. Crusoe was the first + victim to get a long term on the Island. + +SATURDAY + +JANUARY + +A man's a man for a' that--there is in it. + + + + +HELPFUL HINT FOR FEBRUARY + + +It wasn't because George Washington cut down the cherry tree +that he was made President. And very few men get into office +simply for telling the truth. We hardly know how to advise +you on this point. Why do you wish to enter politics? + + * * * * * + +TO FIND OUT IF MONEY IS TAINTED + + If silver or gold, bite it. + If bills, wash with soap and water. + If a cheque, call up the bank. + +[Sidenote: _Society Hint_: A little gossip goes a long way.] + +[Sidenote: _How to Be Happy_: Quit living.] + + + + +[Illustration] + +SUNDAY + +MONDAY (1874) Siamese twins Chang and Eng die. + + (1906) Buttin twins, Lawson and Roosevelt, + perfectly healthy. +TUESDAY + +WEDNESDAY (1781) "Battle of Cowpens." British defeated + by Morgan. + + (1906) Second "Battle of Cowpens." Packers + defeated by O'Neil and Reynolds. + +THURSDAY + +FRIDAY About this time expect some weather. + +SATURDAY + +FEBRUARY + + There's many a damn + 'Twixt the door and the jamb. + + + + +HOW TO SKATE + + +February is perhaps as good a month as any other to learn to +skate. + +The simplest, and most approved method, is as follows: + +One high-ball, another high-ball, 1 more high-ball, simply a +high-ball, just one more high-ball, ditto, the same, and +lastly, a highball. (Note--After the glass is full say, "Not +another drop.") + +You will be surprised at the ease with which you can skate. + + * * * * * + +"Spreading the Eagle" is a very pretty and artistic skating +figure. It is done by trying to get from one side of the +street to the other all in the same night. + + * * * * * + +"Looping the lamp-post" is also quite an achievement in +skating. It doesn't make any difference which of the two +lamp-posts you loop--take your choice. It is difficult to +give directions how to do this. The feat has to be seen to +be learned. There is a simpler way of doing it, however, and +that is--stand perfectly still while the lamp-post passes +around you. + + * * * * * + +Two persons skating together for mutual assistance are known +as "a pair of skates." + + * * * * * + +An expert skater can skate just as well in July as in +February. + +[Sidenote: _Nocturne_: + + Bright + Light + Night. + + Miss + Kiss + Bliss. + + Pa + Bar + Scar. + +[Illustration] +] + + + + +[Illustration: Don't see me freckles. Look pleasant please.] + +SUNDAY + +MONDAY Cherry trees and hatchets have been supplanted + by "big sticks" as decorations at the White + House. + +TUESDAY + +WEDNESDAY "Cut it out"--_Surgeon's Motto_. + +THURSDAY George Washington born. Neighbors took in + their cherry trees. + +FRIDAY + +SATURDAY + +FEBRUARY + +When Duty calls, send her around to the back door. + + + + +HOW TO COMPOSE A SHORT STORY + + +"Ambitious" asks the compiler of this Almanack to tell her +the easiest way to compose a short story. + + * * * * * + +This depends somewhat on the short story, but a few general +observations may be of interest. Some short stories are more +excited than others. + + * * * * * + +Lead the short story to a quiet place and soothe it by +praise delivered in a gentle, monotonous, but authoritative +tone of voice. Be careful not to criticize, as that will +make it more and more nervous. When the short story shows +signs of yielding to this influence, smooth it gently with +one hand and pat it on the back with the other. When quite +composed, withdraw quietly, still speaking in a low tone. + + * * * * * + +A short story by Mary Wilkins can be composed more quickly +than a short story by Kipling. In the latter case it may be +necessary to gently persuade the short story to take an +opiate. + +[Sidenote: _Health Hint_: All that blisters is not good for +a cold.] + +[Sidenote: _Lucky Advice_: It is unlucky to fall down 13 +flights of stairs.] + + + + +[Illustration: Darn that ram.] + +SUNDAY (1906) A bright day. W. J. Bryan congratulates + the Sun. + +MONDAY + +TUESDAY "It isn't so much her eating the apple as that + she thought she was getting something for + nothing. I foresee much trouble from this + tendency." --Adam's Journal. + +WEDNESDAY + +THURSDAY + +FRIDAY (2300 B.C.) Confusion invented by Confucius. + +SATURDAY + +FEBRUARY + +A woman's college is a dangerous thing. + + + + +HELPFUL HINT FOR MARCH + + +Now is a good time to think about having your last summer's +suit and hat cleaned and fixed up to last another season. +You can stand at the window and look out at the snow, and +think about this to your heart's content. This probably will +warm you to such an extent that you will save a bit on your +coal bill. + + * * * * * + +HOW TO HANDLE A MUCK-RAKE + +The owner of a muck-rake should first get a magazine to keep +it in. This practice originated with Laws Tomson, the +celebrated Norse Berserker. + +Select your muck and rake it diligently until you find a +large, fat check; then leave that pile and begin on another. + + * * * * * + +WEATHER HINT--It's a nil wind that doesn't blow. + +[Sidenote: _A Bad Sign_: "All Drinks Spot Cash." + +[Illustration] + + + + +[Illustration: Those stars hold the stage. Take yer hat +off.] + +SUNDAY + +MONDAY About now young boys forget skating and begin + to think about marbles. "Old Boys" are still + skating and they are not particular whether + the pastime is associated with marble or + mahogany. + +TUESDAY + +WEDNESDAY + +THURSDAY PRESS-AGENT--One who presages or foretells. + See LYRE. + +FRIDAY + +SATURDAY (1868) Barnum's Museum in New York destroyed + by fire. Parkhurst, Carrie Nation, + Dowie, and Anthony Comstock saved. + +MARCH + +It is said that nothing is impossible; but there are lots of +people doing nothing every day. + + + + +ODD FACTS + + +Eve did not use face powder. + + * * * * * + +Methuselah developed peculiarities as he grew old. It is +said that he never paid a telephone or gas bill. + + * * * * * + +Samson had his whims. He never went into vaudeville. + + * * * * * + +Noah never cared to take the children to see the animals at +the circus. + + * * * * * + +Goliath was another who thought he had one good fight left +in him. + + * * * * * + +Christopher Columbus did not go on the lecture platform to +tell of his travels. + + * * * * * + +Napoleon always played solitaire before going into a battle; +he couldn't run the deck out, and it made him so angry he +just had to lick somebody. + + * * * * * + +Euclid invented geometry rather than design dress patterns +for his wife. + + * * * * * + +Socrates was henpecked, and was one of the greatest +philosophers in the world--but the rule does not hold good +any longer. + +[Sidenote: _Weather Sign_: A spoony pair under an umbrella +is a sign of a rain beau.] + +[Sidenote: _To Cure a Morning Headache_: Be a little more +abstemious the night before.] + + + + +[Illustration] + +SUNDAY + +MONDAY (1875) First train ran through the Hoosac + Tunnel. Hobson too young to be present. + +TUESDAY + +WEDNESDAY (1793) Washington D. C. named in honor of + Washington deceased. + +THURSDAY + +FRIDAY It was in this month that S. N. Akes left + Ireland. Located in Bellevue Hospital, N. Y. + +SATURDAY + +MARCH + +When you see a man pushing a baby carriage, it is a sign +that he has trouble before him. + + + + +SPRING, GENTLE SPRING + + +One life-size morning nearly six thousand years ago Jubal +sat outside of dear old Eden, whanged his harp and warbled +the following: + + "Gentle Spring has come at last, + So keep your furnace fires full blast!" + + * * * * * + +It was thus that Spring was invented, also the first Spring +poet. But why Spring should appeal to humanity as a season +of romance, no one who gives this problem serious thought +can imagine. + + * * * * * + +It was in the Spring that poor old Adam first had to work, +and from that time on we have had that tired feeling in the +Spring. (See footnote.) + + * * * * * + +It was also in the Spring that Eve wearied of her fig-leaf +toque. She stuck a couple lyre bird tails in one side, three +lotos buds in the other, and that settled it. Ever since man +has had to hustle in the Spring to get his wife a new hat. +(See footnote.) + + * * * * * + +It was in the Spring that Cain moved. That became a habit +with humanity and knocked more romance out of Spring. + + * * * * * + +FOOTNOTE--Also Summer, Autumn, and Winter. + +[Sidenote: _Cheese Hint_: Keep Limburger cheese closely +confined under glass until it ceases to struggle.] + +[Sidenote: _To Cure Homesickness_: Think how you would have +to be mowing the lawn or tending the furnace if you were +there.] + + + + +[Illustration: Now what's to become of the Milky Way.] + +SUNDAY A stuffed stork is the best stork. + --Mrs. Grundy. + +MONDAY + +TUESDAY + +WEDNESDAY Do not pay any bills to-day. Your creditors + may die during the night. + +THURSDAY + +FRIDAY If there is ice on the ground do not try to + go barefoot. + +SATURDAY + +MARCH + +The text which bids a man love his neighbor as himself makes +no mention of said neighbor's wife. + + + + +GEOGRAPHICAL NOTES + + +The principal river of Egypt is the Nile. Its smaller +tributaries are the juveniles. + +The capital of Ireland seems destined to have the largest +population of any city in the world. It's D'ublin, every +year. + +The United States are best for married people. + +Americans are noted for being fond of jokes. Their country +was originally named for A-merry-cus. (Vespucchi.) + +When the flood subsided it is probable that Noah and his +family landed in the vicinity of Little Rock, for we are +given to understand that he came forth from the Ark-an'-saw +land. + +Those who say that constancy is not a feminine quality +should note how long Mrs. Sippi and Miss Souri have been +running together without separating. + + * * * * * + +THE MEAN THING! + + Some mean old maid, without a doubt, + Who'd never tasted bliss, + Was first to start that lie about + The microbes in a kiss. + +[Sidenote: _Wedding Hint_: The minister ties the knot; time +and lawyers may prove it to be a slipknot.] + +[Sidenote: _Health Hint_: To cure a sluggish disposition, +run up against a real prize fighter. + +[Illustration] + +] + + + + +[Illustration] + +SUNDAY + +MONDAY (3544 B.C.) Public library opened at Athens. + No string. + +TUESDAY (1725) Order of the Bath reorganized by + George I.--Water, soap, towel. + +WEDNESDAY (5381 B.C.) Birth of Ananias, first special + newspaper correspondent. + +THURSDAY (1670) Bees brought from England to Boston. + Many politicians stung. + +FRIDAY + +SATURDAY About this time there will be some more weather. + +MARCH + +One touch of liver makes the whole world ill. + + + + +"A TAKE OFF" + + +[Illustration] + + Cling to your winter flannels + Till well along toward June, + For many a one is taken off + By taking them off too soon. + + +ADVERTISEMENTS + +_Academics, Colleges, Conservatories, Reform Schools, Etc._ + +BE A STREET PAVER + +_THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS_ +_are made yearly in the Paving_ +_Department of your home city_ + +_ARE YOU GETTING ANY OF IT??_ + +We make you an experienced street paver +by mail without interrupting present occupation. + +Lesson VI--"How to Graft under a Reform +Administration," alone worth entire cost of course. + +Begin now and be ready for your next City Election. + +UNITED STATES CORRESPONDENCE +COLLEGE OF MUNICIPAL +OPPORTUNITIES + +_P. O. Box 232323_ _Chelsea, Mass._ + +[Sidenote: _Antiquity of Ready-to-Wear Clothing_: Eve's +dress was the first truly "out-of-sight" costume, +"fig"-uratively speaking.] + +[Sidenote: _Poultry Note_: Roosters are rather hard to +manage, but hens lay wherever they are put.] + + + + +[Illustration] + +SUNDAY + +MONDAY Was it not about April 1st that the Laird of + Skibo declared he would give away real money + instead of libraries? + +TUESDAY + +WEDNESDAY Noah born. Noah first taught the race how wise + a thing it is to lay up something for a rainy + day. He laid up an ark. + +THURSDAY + +FRIDAY (64) Roman citizens conspire to fire Nero. + +SATURDAY (64) Nero fires Rome. + +APRIL + +Umbrellas cover a multitude of thieves. + + + + +HINTS TO AMATEUR GARDENERS + + +In the spring look after your potatoes carefully. Have their +eyes examined by a good oculist, and provide spectacles for +such as need them. + + * * * * * + +Never string your beans till they are old enough to +understand it. If you begin too early, they are apt to lose +their temper. + + * * * * * + +Don't attempt to graft your pie-plants. Many have tried +grafting a custard to a mince, in the hope that the brandy +in the latter would assimilate with the custard and make a +Tom and Jerry, but it never works. + + * * * * * + +Before planting your punkins, carefully remove the punk. + + * * * * * + +If you have any difficulty harvesting the fruit of your +boot-tree, use a boot-jack. + + * * * * * + +Owing to the well-known fact that the mongoose is the deadly +foe of snakes, it is thought that the best way to +exterminate them from your garden is to cultivate the +mon-gooseberry. Try it. + + * * * * * + +The mint-julep does not belong to the tulip family, although +the latter has a strong affinity for it. + +[Sidenote: _Gardening Note_: Instead of buying expensive +fertilizer for the garden, use some of last year's "popular" +magazines.] + +[Sidenote: _April_: derived from the Latin A p e r i o, +meaning _I open_, hence Eye-opener, or Easter opening.] + + + + +[Illustration] + +SUNDAY + +MONDAY Andrew Carnegie was stung by the kissing + bug in Atlanta, Ga. + +TUESDAY + +WEDNESDAY Great commotion in the monkey cage at Central + Park. Brander Matthews and Handy Skinegie + overheard talking Esperanto. + +THURSDAY + +FRIDAY + +SATURDAY All is not so that's said. + --White House Maxim. + +APRIL + +When you see a girl in a very _chic_ gown you may be sure +her father had to shell out. + + + + +AN APRIL PASTEL + + +There is no better spring month in which to move than April. +Look among your papers and if you don't find a rent receipt +for March you will know that it's your move. Plant an elm +tree on Arbor day--it may grow up to be the tree under which +Gen. Washington stopped to rest when he was pursuing the +British--who knows! The farmer will do well to apply +fertilizer to his land this month. There is no better +fertilizer on the market than Limburger cheese. It costs +considerable, but a little of it will inoculate a large +area. + + * * * * * + +EXTRACT FROM AN OFFICE-BOY'S DAIRY + + 8 a.m. Hired. + 11 a.m. Tired. + 12 m. Fired. + +[Sidenote: _Spring Hints_: +A little spring in a bed is good. +A little spring near the house is better. +A little spring in a poem is the limit.] + + + + +[Illustration: Push those clouds away. He's not the only one +with a first quarter. Aw you know me.] + +SUNDAY + +MONDAY The indictment is mightier than the charity + contribution. --Trust Proverbs. + +TUESDAY + +WEDNESDAY (1716) Public bank founded in Massachusetts. + Geological deposits refused. + +THURSDAY (1856) Condensed milk first made in Connecticut. + Price of milk-weed goes up. + +FRIDAY (1659) Cromwell resigned his protectorate. + + (1905) Taft got off the "lid." + +SATURDAY + +APRIL + +Most things are good when they're new. Men and violins don't +get good till they're old. + + + + +GARDEN AND FARMING HINTS: + + +Black-eyed Susan, Sweet William, and Johnny-Jump-Up will not +grow in a garden built for two. Either William or John must +be weeded out. + + * * * * * + +Silk hose are preferable to rubber when raising Ladies' +Slippers. + + * * * * * + +Trumpet vines grow fast on automobiles. + + * * * * * + +Young ladies at summer resorts should cultivate Bachelor's +Buttons; with care they may be grafted into Bridal Roses. + + * * * * * + +Many an Ox-eyed Daisy proves a Snapdragon after picking. + + * * * * * + +Wild Oats sown in second childhood are reaped by the next +generation. + + * * * * * + +Snowballs and highballs both fade away in hot weather. + + * * * * * + +It's a deep-rooted crop of weeds that the muck rake won't +loosen. + + * * * * * + +Very young men give their attention to the cultivation of +Widow's Weeds; men of an older growth prefer to watch the +Tender Buds bloom. + +[Sidenote: _Rainy Day Advice_: To pick out your umbrella +from among a number of better ones: take the best one--it's +yours. + +[Illustration]] + + + + +[Illustration: Our last quarter.] + +SUNDAY + +MONDAY Harvard University founded--the oldest + institution of foot-ball and accidental learning + in America. + +TUESDAY + +WEDNESDAY + +THURSDAY (1895) Elbert Hubbard had his hair cut. + Wise Elbert Hubbard + Went to his cupboard + To get the poor world a thought, + But when he got there + The cupboard was bare + And so the poor world got naught. + +FRIDAY + +SATURDAY + +APRIL + +If you can fool half the people all the time, that's good +enough; don't be a hog. + + + + +HELPFUL HINT FOR APRIL + + +Have you ever thought how much money you waste in paying +rent? Now that you are about to sign a new lease, it is time +to ponder this subject. Say you pay $50 a month rent. That +is $600 a year. Think! If you should pay rent for two +thousand years you would waste as much money as Pierpont +Muchgain makes on a little deal in railroads of a dull +afternoon. + + * * * * * + +KEEPING LENT + + Jones borrowed my umbrella. + I now know what he meant + When he said it was his custom + To religiously keep lent. + +[Sidenote: _Health Hint_: For that tired feeling take a good +doze of sleep.] + +[Sidenote: _To Make the World Brighter_: Use hope and +soap.] + + + + +[Illustration] + +SUNDAY It's not the loss of life makes death bitter, + it's the obituaries. --D. Ceest. + +MONDAY + +TUESDAY (1901-'02-'03-'04-'05-'06, etc.) A large + large section of the coal miners of + Pennsylvania struck because the operators + used non-union-made tooth powder. + + [Illustration] + + (1906) Kentucky went prohibition by a tremendous + minority. + +WEDNESDAY + +THURSDAY + +FRIDAY + +SATURDAY + +APRIL + +The wind may be tempered to the shorn lamb, but the wolf +gets equal benefit, just the same. + + + + +FORECAST FOR MAY + + +From the 1st to the 10th spring house-cleaning will take +place. Look out for soft soap on the stairs. Meals will be +served to gentlemen down town. There is no place like home +during spring house-cleaning--this is why home is so +generally avoided during that period. + + * * * * * + +From the 10th to the 20th buds will burst with deafening +reports and the grass will do some fancy shooting. + + * * * * * + +From the latter date to the end of the month people will +discard their woolens for pneumonia. + + * * * * * + +The zodiacal sign for May is Gemini, or twins. If you see a +stork skulking about your residence, shoot it. May is an +open month on storks. + +[Sidenote: _Gardening Note_: If you sow wild oats you are +likely to reap a crop of "tares."] + +[Sidenote: _To Break a Will_--See a lawyer.] + +[Sidenote: _To Break a Bill_--See a doctor.] + +[Sidenote: _To Break a Till_--See a burglar.] + + + + +[Illustration: Those stars hold the stage. Take yer hat +off.] + +SUNDAY + +MONDAY (1906) Congress decided, after a long and heated + discussion, that only filtered water + should be used in the Panama Canal. + +TUESDAY + +WEDNESDAY (1906) Ruth St. Denis, bare of waist and limbs, + wins approval of Boston society by + outdoing Little Egypt. + +THURSDAY (1906, next day) Pure-minded society people of + Boston refuse to admit Maxim Gorky and + his near-wife. + +FRIDAY + +SATURDAY "You can fool all of the people some of the time + and some of the people all of the time." + --From the Diary of &ru Carnage. + +MAY + +Many of Cupid's matches are scratched in the divorce +court. + + + + +HELPFUL HINT FOR MAY + + +The careful wife and mother will find a most excellent plan +for utilizing a spring bonnet of the vintage of 1906 will be +to tell her husband that she will make it do another season. +Then manage to be out in the rain with it on, and with no +umbrella. Further instruction is unnecessary. + + * * * * * + +TIMELY HINTS + +A great many cows come in fresh in May. If you have a good +calf, wear open-work hose and don't be ashamed to show it on +a rainy day. Plant beans, pumpkins, and squashes about May +20th, but don't mix the seed. This is also a good month to +set hens on door-knobs, and old ink-bottles, thus playing a +great joke on the hens. + +[Sidenote: _Street Car Hint_: If a person walks on your +right foot kick a person with your left.] + +[Sidenote: LEGERDEMAIN _Note_: To make a five-dollar note +look like 30 cents, blow it.] + + + + +[Illustration] + +SUNDAY + +MONDAY (33 B.C.) Antony establishes a divorce colony + in Egypt. + +TUESDAY (1906) U.S. Senators played a farce entitled + "Who's a Liar," by Pitchrake Tillman, + to crowded houses. + +WEDNESDAY + +THURSDAY + +FRIDAY (996) Clocks, giving good time, invented by + Gebert, Benedictine monk. + + (Same year) Benedictine, giving good time, + invented by same monks. + +SATURDAY + +MAY + +Where ignorance is bliss it is blister to be wise. + + + + +HOW TO GET RICH + + +Getting rich is a simple matter if one goes about it right. +If you will deposit one penny in the bank on the first day +of the month and double each deposit each day thereafter, +until the end of the month (30 days), you will find yourself +rich beyond the dreams of avarice. Thus:-- + +----------------------+--------- + DEPOSIT | DAYS OF + | MONTH +----------------------+--------- + .01 | 1 + .02 | 2 + .04 | 3 + .08 | 4 + .16 | 5 + .32 | 6 + .64 | 7 + 1.28 | 8 + 2.56 | 9 + 5.12 | 10 + 10.24 | 11 + 20.48 | 12 + 40.96 | 13 + 81.92 | 14 + 163.84 | 15 + 327.68 | 16 + 655.36 | 17 + 1,310.72 | 18 + 2.621.44 | 19 + 5,242.88 | 20 + 10,485.76 | 21 + 20,971.52 | 22 + 41,943.04 | 23 + 83,886.08 | 24 + 167,772.16 | 25 + 335,544.32 | 26 + 671,088.64 | 27 + 1,342,177.28 | 28 + 2,684,354.56 | 29 + 5,368,709.12 | 30 + -------------- | +Total, $10,737,418.23 | + +The reason more people do not succeed in this Get-Rich-Quick +scheme is that they become discouraged when they get about +75 cents in bank and give it up. + +[Sidenote: _Society Hint_: Even if you can't get into "Who's +who in America," you can get into the Telephone Book, and it +costs lots more.] + + + + +[Illustration: Darn that ram.] + +SUNDAY + +MONDAY (1867) Russia thought she was selling United + States a gold brick in Alaska. + + (1894) Gold brick proved 24 carat; Russia + heartbroken. + +TUESDAY + +WEDNESDAY (1796) Napoleon weds Josephine, hoping his + troubles will be little ones. + + (1809) Napoleon divorces Josephine. Great trouble + being his troubles were not little ones. + +THURSDAY + +FRIDAY (1887) Congress passed the anti-polygamy bill. + Great anxiety at Newport. + +SATURDAY + +MAY + +Beauty may be only skin deep, but the average observer does +not see below the skin. + + + + +MATERIA MEDICA + + +When Willie was young he cried for Mayoria. + +When Willie grew older he sought Governoria. + +When Willie woke up he'd lost his donoria. + +Now Willie is dead: they gave him Castoria. + + +SCHOOLS ADVERTISEMENTS ACADEMIES +COLLEGES STUDIOS + +[Illustration] + +CAN YOU DRAW THIS? +IF SO, YOU CAN DRAW ANYTHING + +_MICHAEL ANGELO and C. D. GIBSON_ +_make large sums of money drawing pictures_ + +WHY NOT YOU? + +_We teach Drawing by mail and will make_ +_you a Great Artist in six easy lessons_ + +ADDRESS + +Imperial Correspondence Institute +of the Fine Arts + +P. O. Box 232323 CHELSEA, MASS. + +[Sidenote: _A Feat in Contortion_: To make both ends meet +on $8 per week.] + +[Sidenote: _Farm Hint_: Make the sled runners of slippery +elm.] + + + + +[Illustration] + +SUNDAY + +MONDAY (1305) Dante's "Inferno" first noted description + of hell. + + (1906) Upton Sinclair's "Jungle" a close second. + +TUESDAY + +WEDNESDAY (1540) Gomera planned Panama Canal. + + (1640) The Dutch took it up--then laid it down. + +THURSDAY (1879) DeLesseps tries it, but gets snarled up + in the Muck Rake. + + (1906) Work progressing as rapidly as hot air + will allow. + +FRIDAY + +SATURDAY + +MAY + +There's many a slip 'twixt the stock and the tip. + + + + +FORECAST FOR JUNE + + +From the 1st to the last will be marked by mosquito showers. +From the 11th to the 18th weddings will exceed divorces, +followed by thunder and lightning. From June 18th to June +30th ice-cream sodas will be in the ascendancy. On June 21st +the sun reaches the most northerly point in the Zodiac and +enters the constellation of Cancer. Cancer is the sign for +June. Cancer is an old sign and something that ought to be +cut out. + + * * * * * + +SIDELIGHTS ON SCIENCE + +If all the oceans should evaporate they would leave a +deposit of 235 feet of salt. This, it is estimated, would +salt enough pretzels to supply the world for several years. + + * * * * * + +It is claimed that if the power concealed in the sting of a +hornet could be harnessed and utilized in commercial +channels, it would lower the cost of transportation by a +good many per cent. + + * * * * * + +An interesting experiment for little boys is to go into the +dimly lit parlor where the big sister and her young man are +sitting. Do not shuffle the feet or make any noise, and you +will see a spark. + + * * * * * + +A hen will lay 200 eggs a year. A mosquito will lay +200,000,000 in one short summer. Are you gladder that hens +are not mosquitoes, or that mosquitoes are not as big as +hens? + +[Sidenote: _Hotel Hint_: No first class inn will permit +guests to indulge in such undignified gymnastics as running +through the corridors, or jumping board bills.] + +[Sidenote: _Seasonable Advice_: Look out for the open work +lawn hose and accompanying shower baths.] + + + + +[Illustration] + +SUNDAY (1906) Czar gives three minutes of his time + in a talk to put the Douma down and out. + + Douma gives all its time to blow Czar up + and out. + +MONDAY + +TUESDAY + +WEDNESDAY + +THURSDAY May 7--Cannon's boom set off by speech from + Uncle Joe--Presidential Bee taking terrible + risk at Cannon's mouth. + +FRIDAY If two wrongs do not make a right--how many + franchises make a wrong? + +SATURDAY + + +JUNE + +The man who is down is looking for the other fellow who +kicked out some rungs from the ladder of success. + + + + +LITTLE STUDIES IN NATURAL HISTORY + + +_The Secretary-bird, or Loebriole._ + +This little creature belongs to the "Knowitall" class and +has no fear, often perching on the "Big Stick" itself. His +distinguishing characteristic is a thick oak board where +most birds wear tail-feathers. He only sings when there is a +storm coming, and then his song has a plaintive note as he +warbles "Ki-yi, blame it on me." + + * * * * * + +_How to Make Credit Grow._ + +Select a choice "bluff." Prepare this carefully, for the +size of the credit depends entirely upon the general +appearance of the bluff. When you think the bluff is strong +enough, take it to a bank. If it goes there, you will have +no further trouble. Your credit is now ready to transplant. +Should it begin to droop, give it a check. Be careful not to +use too many, for the proper use of the credit-plant is to +enable its owner to live without money. + +[Illustration] + +[Sidenote: _Fashion Note_: It is no longer good form to +serenade young ladies. If you wish to win their favor, toot +an automobile horn.] + +[Sidenote: _Health Hint_: For "Seeing things" at night try a +Welsh Rarebit.] + + + + +[Illustration] + +SUNDAY (1905) Russo-Jap peace treaty at Portsmouth, + N. H.--Japanese description of + Portsmouth, "A mos' honorable plaze + where they dispenz mos' dizhonorable + liquor!" + +MONDAY + +TUESDAY (2000 B.C.) Proverbs invented by Solomon, who + gazed upon his wives and exclaimed, + "Variety is the spice of life!" + + P.S.--Adam couldn't say this because he + was handicapped. + +WEDNESDAY + +THURSDAY (1258) "Mad Parliament" meets. + + (1906) Congress "mad," still in session. + +FRIDAY + +SATURDAY If a man tells you that he "had darned hard + work getting out of bed this morning," the + chances are that the bed was a folding one. + +JUNE + +Woman's love is chaotic; man's idiotic. + + + + +DECKLE-EDGE FRECKLES + + +Summer begins June 20. By this time your freckles ought to +have a good start. + + * * * * * + +Do you know what a freckle is, children? It is a +golden-brown splash on the northwest corner of a young +woman's nose, although her dearest friend says it is a +fright. + + * * * * * + +A freckle is the same to a druggist as a pipe line is to +Rockefeller--ready money and a lot of it. + + * * * * * + +One large deckle-edge freckle will cause a girl to buy nine +kinds of cold cream, a dozen lemons, a pint of three-ply +acid, and a gross of poudre-de-phiz every Saturday +afternoon. + + * * * * * + +All this gives vigor to the freckle. + +[Sidenote: _Incendiary Warning_: To save money from +fire,--don't burn it.] + +[Sidenote: _Etiquette Query_: Is the game worth the +scandal?] + + + + +[Illustration] + +SUNDAY + +MONDAY About a year ago the Ground 'og cast a shadow + in Packingtown. + + What's the answer? + +TUESDAY + +WEDNESDAY (1904) It was reported that Cassie Chadwick + and 'Lijah Dowie had formed a Confidence + Trust, whereupon Madam Bartrand prayed + the Interstate Commerce Commission to + issue an injunction against them under + the plea of restraint of trade. The + injunction was issued, and withdrawn + later when the Supreme Court decided + that confidence was too universal to be + made the basis of a monopoly. + +THURSDAY + +FRIDAY + +SATURDAY + +JUNE + +The poet associates his larks with high heaven; the realist +associates his larks with high-balls. + + + + +RAISING CORN + + +Great care should be exercised in raising corn, especially +the variety _Johnus Barley-cornicus_. This may be raised +with either hand. Some superstitious agriculturists believe +in the efficacy of a simple incantation to be used in the +act of raising this variety, such as "Here's how!" "Over the +hot sands!" etc. + +[Illustration] + +This kind has never been known to fail in getting to a head. +"Kernels" of Barleycorn originated in Kentucky. + +[Sidenote: _Pest Note_: If troubled with Junebugs try +sweeping the cobwebs out of the attic; if troubled with +aunts close up the house and go to the country.] + + + + +[Illustration] + +SUNDAY + +MONDAY (390 B.C.) Rome saved by the cackling of geese. + + (1905) Reputations ruined by the cackling of + Alexander and Hyde. + +TUESDAY + + + +WEDNESDAY (1906) T. Roosevelt decided to write no more + magazine articles, except for the + Congressional Record. + +THURSDAY + +FRIDAY (1876) Alexander Graham Bell invented the + telephone. + + (1877) American Humorists invented the + telephone girl. + +SATURDAY + +JUNE + +Many a woman prefers a love of a hat to the love of a +husband. + + + + +HOW TO PLANT A BEER GARDEN + + +Now is the time for the ruddy faced beer gardener to lay out +his beer garden. First procure a license and a few nice +rustic chairs and tables. Next extract the seeds from a +couple of seedy old suits and get your wife to sew them. +Your barber will gladly supply you with cuttings, or, if you +have the chance, unscrew a dozen or so bulbs from some +healthy young electric light plant. + + * * * * * + +With ordinary summer weather you should soon have a blooming +fine lot of Anheuser bushes. As soon as the "buds" begin to +pop, pack the roots with ice. Care should be taken to keep +the plants from drying out. + + * * * * * + +Bottle flies, while annoying, do no real injury to the +plant, and a judicious use of fly-paper will hold them in +check. + + * * * * * + +In weeding, the beer gardener should be careful to +distinguish between true widow's weeds and grass widow's +weeds. The latter not only add color and beauty to the +garden, but also give life to the plant. + + * * * * * + +Beer was never worn so much or used so extensively for +interior decoration as it is today. There is a ready market +for it at five cents a small bunch, and with intelligent +grafting the bearing of the plant can be increased tenfold. + +[Sidenote: _THERMOMETER ECONOMY_: This is the best time to +buy thermometers. They cost no more than during the winter +months and contain more than twice as much mercury.] + + + + +[Illustration: Doth see me freckles. Look pleasant please.] + +SUNDAY + +MONDAY (858 B.C.) Sardanapulus dies on a bier 400 feet + high. Great envy among the thirsty. + +TUESDAY + +WEDNESDAY + +THURSDAY July 4th is a great day for those who love to + tell us that "all men are created free and + equal;" it is also a great day for other Fourth + of Juliars. + +FRIDAY + +SATURDAY (1839) John D. Rockefeller born. + "First in the wells, first in the pipes, + first in the lamps of his countrymen." + +JULY + +Never look a gift mule in the hind leg. + + + + +HELPFUL HINT FOR JULY + + +The best authorities agree that it is inadvisable to attach +a pack of lighted firecrackers to the tail of the household +cat--without first making sure that the insurance policy on +the house has been placed in a cold storage vault. A cat +loves its favorite corner when it is mentally disquieted. + + +_ADVERTISEMENTS_ + +ARTISTS' MATERIALS, PAINTS, BRUSHES, ETC. + +[Illustration] + +_I GILD MY OWN BRICKS_ + +LITTLE GEM BRICK +GILDING OUTFIT + +IS A BOON TO FARMERS + +Buy the Outfit and be your +own Confidence Man, thus +enjoying all the pleasures +of being buncoed without +leaving The Old Home + +[Sidenote: _Carving Note_: A chicken neck served to a guest +is "the most unkindest cut of all."] + + + + +[Illustration: Our last quarter.] + +SUNDAY (1906) Lucrezia Borgia rose to assert that she + never used embalmed beef at her banquets. +MONDAY + +TUESDAY (1586 B.C.) Nebuchadnezzar saw the handwriting + on the wall. + + (1906) John D. Rockefeller sailed for Europe. +WEDNESDAY + +THURSDAY (1905) New song published by Cassie Chadwick, + "I've worked every one but father." +FRIDAY + +SATURDAY Boy, gun, + Joy, fun. + Gun bust. + Boy dust. + +JULY + +Friendship is between men a convenience; between women, a +commodity. + + + + +HINTS ON DRESS + + +Parasols should be carried on Sun-day. + + * * * * * + +Persons attending services in poorly heated churches are +justified in making a cloak of their religion. + + * * * * * + +Eton jackets may be worn at the dinner table. + + * * * * * + +Silks with watered effects are popular with milkmen's wives. + + * * * * * + +The smart set is devoting a good deal of attention of late +to the costuming of house dogs. Embroidered blankets during +the winter and short pants during the hot summer weather are +quite popular. + + * * * * * + +Shrinkable dress-patterns should always be sponged before +they are made up, but the custom of putting an overcoat in +"soak" after it has been worn awhile is still followed by +gentlemen who are financially embarrassed. + +[Sidenote: _Advice to Wives_: It is better to let your +husband bring a friend home to dinner than it is to have a +friend bring him home after dinner.] + + + + +[Illustration] + +SUNDAY + +MONDAY (1896) A bas Dreyfus! + + (1906) Vive le Dreyfus! + +TUESDAY (1840) First Cunarder arrives in Boston. + P.S.--Do not confound with canard, which + arrived with Boston to remain always. + +WEDNESDAY + +THURSDAY HONOR TO WHOM, ETC. + + We're all of us selfishly slow to confess + How much others aid us in winning success; + But the Fourth of July and the Oyster must see + How stupid, without any Crackers, they'd be. + +FRIDAY + +SATURDAY + +JULY + +Many a Glad Hand turns out to be The Hook. + + + + +SIGNS OF THE ZODIAC + + +(Recent Interpretations) + +AQUARIUS, the waterman, indicating what many a man becomes +on the first of January. + + * * * * * + +PISCES, the fishes, indicating that by February he begins to +be just as thirsty. + + * * * * * + +ARIES, the ram, indicating that in March he begins to +meditate on the virtues of bock beer. + + * * * * * + +TAURUS, the bull, indicating that by April his disposition +is surly and it's a toss-up whether he really remains a +waterman. + + * * * * * + +GEMINI, the twins, indicating the result of the toss-up and +how he feels toward his fellowman in May. + + * * * * * + +CANCER, the crab, indicating the backward interest with +which he listens to his wife's plans for the summer. + +(_Continued on next left-hand page._) + +[Sidenote: _Health Hint_: For a turned ankle--a nicely +turned feminine ankle--a low shoe, a short skirt, and a +drop-stitch stocking are recommended.] + + + + +[Illustration] + +SUNDAY + +MONDAY (1851) Vigilance Committee organized in San + Francisco. + + (1906) Order of Muck-rakers established in + Washington. + +TUESDAY + +WEDNESDAY (1525 B.C.) Pharaoh's daughter finds Moses in + the Bull-rushes. + + (1906 A.D.) Roosevelt finds a "joker" in the + meat bill. + +THURSDAY INFINITUDE! + + Man looks at the stars and with wonder unspeakable + He thinks on their source which he knows is unseekable: + He asks who designed all the planets so beautiful, + But no one has ever unscrewed the unscrutable. + +FRIDAY + +SATURDAY + +JULY + +An earthquake is not what it is cracked up to be. + + + + +SIGNS OF THE ZODIAC + +(_Continued_) + + +LEO, the Lion, indicating the state of mind with which in +July he agrees with them. + + * * * * * + +VIRGO, the Virgin, indicating that in August he usually +hears of his daughter's engagement. + + * * * * * + +LIBRA, the scales, indicating that in September various +interested persons weight his family's summer enjoyments and +send him the bills. + + * * * * * + +SCORPIO, the scorpion, indicating the state of mind with +which he pays them in October. + + * * * * * + +SAGITTARIUS, the archer, indicating some fine shooting on +the part of his conscience toward the end of November. + + * * * * * + +CAPRICORNUS, the goat, indicating what he feels like as he +decides that next year shall be different. + +[Sidenote: _A Milk Pointer_: Milkmen, too, have their +troubles. If they do not water their cows, or if they do +water their milk, somebody has the law on them. + +[Illustration] +] + + + + +[Illustration: Those stars hold the stage. Take yer hat +off.] + +SUNDAY + +MONDAY (1852) Crystal palace opened at New York. + + Next week--New York people discover they cannot + live in glass houses. + +TUESDAY + +WEDNESDAY (1841) London Punch first issued. + + Same week--Great Gloom settles over London. + +THURSDAY + +FRIDAY (1906) Secretary Taft visits Greenville, S. C., + and opens campaign. + + Same date--Democrats of "Solid South" gaze at + Taft in dismay and exclaim, "We are lost, we + had no idea the Republican party was so large!" + +SATURDAY + +JULY + +Matches are made in heaven--they don't need 'em in the other +place. + + + + +REPORT TO THE SECRETARY OF WAR +_on the Russo-Japanese War by Gen. Buzfuz, U. S. A._ + + +The war was contrary to all rules of warfare adopted by +civilized nations because: + + 1. It was not started by a newspaper. + + 2. The scene of operations was not laid near a fashionable +resort. + + 3. Photographers and correspondents were not allowed to +inspect the officers' wardrobes. + + 4. There was no San Juan Hill. + + 5. The officers gave no afternoon teas, dinners, or balls. + + 6. The officers looked after their commands instead of +writing magazine articles. + + 7. The soldiers were fed real food. + + 8. Thousands upon thousands of soldiers were killed. + + 9. The ships sunk in the naval battle were sunk in deep +water. + +10. No great scandal arose from the purchase of food, +clothing, or ammunition. + +11. No newspaper or magazine controversy has been started +over who won the battles. + +[Sidenote: _Political Note_: Politicians are bought, not +made.] + +[Sidenote: _Health Hint_: Persons too serious to take a joke +should take a vacation.] + + + + +[Illustration: Don't see the freckles. Look pleasant +please.] + +SUNDAY + +MONDAY (1886) Dumb piano invented by Virgil. + Rejoicing in Harlem. + +TUESDAY + +WEDNESDAY + +THURSDAY (1547) Silk stockings first worn by Henry II + of France. Rainy days become popular. + +FRIDAY The woman who wears a short bathing skirt is + not necessarily immodest. She may be the wife + of a popular magazine editor and cultivate + exposure because she has caught the habit. + --Supton Eclair. + +AUGUST + +No successful business man ever spends his own money. + + + + +USEFUL FARM HINTS + + +Take good care of the farm tools. A crow-bar, if carefully +housed when not in use, may, at a hundred years of age be +just as pry as ever. + + * * * * * + + The man who sells six onions for a nickel cannot thrive, + For all can see that no one ought to give six scents + for five. + + * * * * * + +In delivering a chair to the repairman to bottom he should +be made to give a re-seat for it. + + * * * * * + +Feed the pigs well. A pig resembles a tree in one respect. +It is by his root that he survives. + + * * * * * + +Farmers should encourage song birds to nest about the +premises, but the lay of the hen must still bring them the +most substantial delight. + + * * * * * + +It is when the farmer sees his fine crop maturing that he +feels like singing, "In this wheat by and by." + + * * * * * + +In working about a mule that kicks, it should be remembered +that his head-quarters are not his real business end. + +[Sidenote: _Advice on Care of Your Rubber Plant_: A Turkish +Bath Factory needs constant attention to make it pay.] + + + + +[Illustration] + +SUNDAY + +MONDAY (1906) Boston Convention of Flies pass vote of + thanks to John B. Moran for removing + screens from hotel windows. + +TUESDAY + +WEDNESDAY "The greatest blessing of all is that I am no + longer kept awake nights by persons who are + making modern improvements." + --Robinson Crusoe. + +THURSDAY + +FRIDAY (1066) William prepares to invade England with + 696 ships and 60,000 men. + + (1906) Alice prepares to invade England with + 696 trunks and 1 man. + +SATURDAY + +AUGUST + +A woman wears a veil for the same reason that distance lends +enchantment. + + + + +HELPFUL HINTS FOR AUGUST + + +A cabbage leaf in the hat is an excellent means of keeping +the head cool. The experiment is more successful if on top +of the cabbage leaf you will place about two handfuls of +chipped ice, renewing it as fast as it melts, and you might +try sipping something from a high glass decorated with mint +leaves--sipping it through a straw is favored by many +eminent practitioners at the bar. + + * * * * * + +A BREAD AND MILK COW + + The farmer with a Jersey cow + Can live as fine as silk + For he has got, you must allow, + His thorough-bred and milk. + +[Illustration] + +[Sidenote: _A Hint on Luck_: A Lucky-piece is a good mascot; +a piece of luck is the real thing.] + +[Sidenote: _Fashion Hint_: With peek-a-boo waist and short +sleeves, a woman must wear her heart in her hand-bag.] + + + + +[Illustration: Push those clouds away. He's not the only one +with a first quarter. Aw you know me.] + +SUNDAY + +MONDAY (449) "Robbers' Synod" held at Ephesus. + + (1908) Extra session of Congress held at + Washington. + +TUESDAY + +WEDNESDAY Do not take this day off. It is a "dog day" + and he may want it. + +THURSDAY + +FRIDAY (697) The Venetians elect their first doge. + + (1906) The beef packers try their last dodge. + +SATURDAY + +AUGUST + +A girl in a hammock is worth two in a corps de ballet. + + + + +APPROPRIATE SALUTATIONS + + +_To the fireman_: Go to blazes! + + * * * * * + +_To the butcher_: May you never make a miss-steak in your +endeavor to make both ends meat! + + * * * * * + +_To the baker_: May you always have the dough, not too much +crust, and the means to loaf whenever you wish to! + + * * * * * + +_To the spinster_: May you ever be the matchless but not the +mateless woman you are now! + + * * * * * + +_To the young physician_: May you wait, like Patience on a +monument, till finally you shall have lots of monuments on +your patients! + + * * * * * + +_To the seamstress_: May life always seam sew-sew in your +hemmysphere! + + * * * * * + +_To the dentist_: May you always enjoy a pull and be able to +fill many an aching void and long-felt want! + + * * * * * + +_To the poet_: May you have many more verses than reverses. + +[Sidenote: _Health Hint_: Many are cold, but few are frozen. + +[Illustration] +] + + + + +[Illustration] + +SUNDAY A GREAT JAG + + A man may think he's a terror to drink + When he really is nothing to brag on, + For it's true, we infer, that a big chestnut burr + Gets the awfullest, all-around jag on. + +MONDAY + +TUESDAY + +WEDNESDAY (6,99,950 B.C.) Eve appears in a peek-a-boo + waist. + +THURSDAY + +FRIDAY (1509) Henry VIII began to get married. + +SATURDAY + +AUGUST + +A man admires a woman for what he thinks she is; a woman +admires a man for what she thinks he has. + + + + +HELPFUL HINT FOR SEPTEMBER + + +Excuse us, but we will not suggest any method for removing a +coat of tan. We are assured on the best authority that Alice +blue, radium gray, and fluorescent green will be the popular +shades this summer. However, if yours is a tan coat, +unbutton it and pull your arms out first; it will then come +off easily enough. + + * * * * * + +IS THE SUN INHABITED? + +An astronomer from Indiana claims to have discovered that +the Sun is inhabited. + + * * * * * + +The Public will probably hoot at this just as it hooted at +Columbus when he said the Earth was round. + + * * * * * + +The Public also hooted at wireless telegraphy in its early +stages. + + * * * * * + +The Public is now hooting at the idea of airships ever +becoming common carriers. + + * * * * * + +The Sun may be inhabited, who knows? + + * * * * * + +This astronomer from Indiana may not be as buggy as he +really appears at first blush. + + * * * * * + +The Sun is hot, 'tis true, but Hell is also hot. + + * * * * * + +And Hell is inhabited. + +[Sidenote: _Financial Note_: When in doubt, do the first one +you come across.] + +[Sidenote: _Marine Note_: High rollers don't always come in +from the sea.] + + + + +[Illustration: Those stars hold the stage. Take yer hat +off.] + +SUNDAY IT HEADS THE LIST + + In a book showing all + Of the gowns great and small + Wives have worn since this old world begun, + That first dress of Eve's, + Which she fashioned of leaves, + Should be, properly, labeled "Fig. 1." + +MONDAY + +TUESDAY + +WEDNESDAY + +THURSDAY (1848) Patent issued for converting fine + coal into solid lumps. + + (1906) Patent sought for converting fine + poetry into filthy lucre. + +FRIDAY + +SATURDAY + +SEPTEMBER + +It's a long lane that hides no lovers. + + + + +SIMPLE HOUSEHOLD RECIPES FOR VEGETARIANS + + +HAY A-LA-MODE + +Take a pound of best timothy and soak it over night in fresh +brine. Peel carefully and place it in a vegetable ivory +saucepan. Add the yolk of an egg-plant and stir dreamily +over an electric-fan till it disappears. Serve it right. + + * * * * * + +NUT CUTLET + +Procure two dozen new nuts from any hardware shop. Grind +them into a paste of about the consistency of the average +politician. Over this pour a little Standard Oil from which +the dividends have been removed, and stir briskly with a +subpoena till the oil begins to run; pour off, strain, and +beat the paste with an axe until it looks and tastes like a +veal cutlet. + + * * * * * + +IMITATION POTTED HARE + +Take a false hare and pot it. This will be potted imitation +hare, to be used for decorative purposes only. + + * * * * * + +STEWED RUBBER PLANT + +Cut the plant into rubber bands, add a pinch of rubber +cement and beat the whole mixture to beat the band until it +will stretch without breaking. This rule is elastic. + +[Sidenote: _Ticker Note_: Bull movements are carefully +watched in Mexico and Spain.] + +[Sidenote: _Fashion Note_: Many a hose is worn to be seen.] + + + + +[Illustration: It's always harvest time for me.] + +SUNDAY (1,10,000 B.C.) Aphrodite born from the "foam + of the sea." + + (1 A.D.) "Katzenjammer" born from the foam of + too many "schooners." +MONDAY + +TUESDAY General opening of Public Schools. + General opening of Oysters. + +WEDNESDAY (1777) Brandywine proves a bad mixture for the + colonial troops. + +THURSDAY + +FRIDAY (Sept. 15, 1693) Public lotteries established + in England. Marriage encouraged. + +SATURDAY + +SEPTEMBER + +That love is blind accounts for so many miscues. + + + + +HEALTH HINTS + + +To cure seasickness: Turn the entire system inside out and +hang it over the rail of the ship where the salt spray can +drench it. Under this treatment the patient is pretty sure +to feel somewhat relieved within a few days after the time +of going ashore. + + * * * * * + +Persons troubled with poor circulation should ascertain how +to increase the same by consulting the editor of their +favorite Sunday newspaper. + + * * * * * + +Weak respiration may be improved by a diet of onions. They +are highly recommended for strengthening the breath. + + * * * * * + +For insomnia try snoring, which is always a symptom of SOUND +sleep. + + * * * * * + +To prevent hay fever: Go not in the way of the kittenish +grass widow. + + * * * * * + +Care should be taken to prevent the occupants of the +penitentiary from getting the measles. It would make trouble +should they all break out at once. + +[Sidenote: _Financial Note_: For "dust" in the house, ask +hubby.] + +[Sidenote: _Art Note_: An artists' model is not necessarily +a model of good behavior. + +[Illustration] +] + + + + +[Illustration] + +SUNDAY + +MONDAY (862 B.C.) Jonah took the first trip in a + submarine. + +TUESDAY (753 B.C.) Romulus and Remus open a milk route. + +WEDNESDAY + +THURSDAY + +FRIDAY (1709) Pianoforte invented by Bartolommeo + Cristofori. His assassination soon + follows. + +SATURDAY + + +SEPTEMBER + +It is better to laugh at a joke you don't understand than to +weep over the efforts of your friend to explain it. + + + + +LITTLE STUDIES IN NATURAL HISTORY + + +_How to Trim Rich Relations._ + +This is a very dangerous and delicate operation as the +subjects can only be approached when they are asleep. + +Provide yourself with a black-jack, a bottle of chloroform +and a sponge. About three in the morning enter the room +where the Richest Relation is sleeping. Going noiselessly to +the bed, hold the sponge saturated with chloroform above the +Richest Relation's nose. As his sleep becomes more profound, +lower the sponge, and finally, with a quick motion, jam it +in his mouth. Then strike his head with the black-jack, +using all your strength. Rich Relations are suspicious and +you cannot be too careful in business matters. This done, +cut out the gold, silver, or bills, from his pockets, and +any jewels or trinkets that you may find. + +Note: In most cases it will not be necessary to kill the +subject before you can do the trimming. + + +[Sidenote: _Health Hint_: While sleeping it is best to lie +on the right side; also while awake.] + + + + +[Illustration: It's always harvest time for me. The trusts.] + +SUNDAY (1629) First theater in America established in + Boston. Patti opened theater with first + farewell performance. + +MONDAY + +TUESDAY "The bathing dresses are very pretty, but I'm + sure I can't imagine where they buy such long + stockings." + --Aunt Mary's letter from the seashore. + +WEDNESDAY + +THURSDAY + +FRIDAY (1593) Anthony Comstock would have indicted + Shakespeare for writing Venus and Adonis. + +SATURDAY + +SEPTEMBER + +Those who live in glass houses should conduct themselves +accordingly. + + + + +RARE RECIPES + + +_TO MAKE A LIVING_: To one old woman with money add +"soft-soap" to her taste. Sweeten with gush. Mix with a +wedding ceremony and shake quickly when you have her money. + +[Illustration] + +_TO MAKE ANGEL-FOOD_: Take a "peach" with red lips. Add a +shadynook. Sweeten with kisses. Serve in the moonlight. + + * * * * * + +_TO PRESERVE MONEY_: Take a roll of "yellow-backs" from +whoever has one. Mix with all the money you can borrow. Put +in a strong-box and let it stand till the police have +forgotten you. Repeat the process and cover with a prominent +part in church affairs. + +[Sidenote: _Entomological Note_: In Washington the Katy-dids +now say Teddy did, Teddy didn't.] + +[Sidenote: _Home Hint_: Servant girls should be picked early +this month. If picked green they often last the whole +winter. It is inadvisable to pick them too fresh.] + + + + +[Illustration] + +SUNDAY (1296) Society of "Merchant Adventurers" + established by John, of Biabaut. + + (1901) Steal Trust organized by Morgan, of + New York. + + +MONDAY + +TUESDAY "One may write for the Ladies' Home Journal + without having to read it." + --Kudyard Ripling. + +WEDNESDAY + +THURSDAY (15,001 B.C.) Venus explains platonic + friendship to Adonis. + +FRIDAY + +SATURDAY (575 B.C.) Horatius beat Lars Porsena at a + game of bridge. + + +OCTOBER + +There's many a cup 'twixt the office and the ferry slip. + + + + +YOU NEVER CAN TELL + + + Sons of great men oft remind us + That no matter what our fame, + Offspring that we leave behind us + May be lobsters, just the same. + +[Illustration: Stage Entrance.] + + +[Sidenote: _Economical Hint_: A good imitation of soapsuds +may be made by shaking a bottle of champagne and then +opening the bottle.] + + + + +[Illustration: Push those clouds away. He's not the only one +with a first quarter. Aw you know me.] + +SUNDAY (1781) Battle of Eutaw. + + (1906) W. C. T. U. tries to throw Smoot out of + the Senate. + +MONDAY + +TUESDAY + +WEDNESDAY (673) Theodre, of England, calls first Council + of Bishops. + + (1906) Theodore, of Washington, calls Council + of Muck-rakers. + +THURSDAY + +FRIDAY FIRST CANOE--Doesn't it make you tired to be + taken out by one of those fresh young men who + doesn't know how to paddle? + + SECOND CANOE--Yes, it often quite upsets me. + +SATURDAY + +OCTOBER + +There is some good in every heart, some rubber in every +neck. + + + + +HELPFUL HINT FOR OCTOBER + + +If you have carelessly left your ermine muff and neck-piece +where the moths have attacked it during the summer, an easy +and simple way to remedy the damage will be--but wait! Maybe +you haven't any ermine muff and neck-piece. Far be it from +us to touch a tender spot. + + * * * * * + +She--(very décolleté). How far do you think a girl ought to +go toward revealing the secrets of her heart? + +He--(sizing her up). Well, I should say you'd gone about the +limit. + +[Sidenote: _Footwear Advice_: Two empty bananas make a very +good pair of slippers.] + +[Sidenote: _Health Hint_: There is no sure cure for +laziness, but a second wife may relieve it.] + + + + +[Illustration: Now what's to become of the Milky Way.] + +SUNDAY There was a young man from St. Louis + Who'd eat nothing else but chop souis, + A habit he learned + When his medals he earned + In the fight at Manila with Douis! + +MONDAY + +TUESDAY (1196) Diet at Wurzburg--beer and pretzels. + +WEDNESDAY + +THURSDAY "Half a suit of pajamas is better than no + nightie." --Hindoo Proverb. + +FRIDAY + +SATURDAY + +OCTOBER + +The easiest way to put a baby to sleep is the rockiest way. + + + + +TO THE GODDESS ON THE DOLLAR + + + Fair maid, how I have longed for thee, + That classic face of thine + I feared would never look on me, + Much less be wholly mine! + And now that thou art mine indeed-- + In fact my last resource-- + There comes, alas, through direful need, + The time for our divorce! + +[Illustration] + +[Sidenote: _Health Hint_: A good way to air your room is to +turn it wrong side out and hang it out the window.] + + + + +[Illustration: Doth see me freckles. Look pleasant please.] + +SUNDAY A BUSINESS POINTER + + "When I can read my title clear + To mansions in the skies," + I will not care for riches here, + And cease to advertise. + +MONDAY + +TUESDAY + +WEDNESDAY (1753) Popularity of "the" Pompadour at height. + + (1906) Marcel wave in the ascendant. + +THURSDAY + +FRIDAY (1558) Salters' company founded in London. + + (1875) Hetty Green elected a 33d degree member. + +SATURDAY + +OCTOBER + +The eye is the window of the soul. + +The mouth is the subway of the face. + + + + +RECIPE FOR MAKING PUMPKIN PIE + + +THE KIND THAT MOTHER DIDN'T USED TO MAKE + +(Copyrighted) + +First get your pumpkin. Then kill it and skin it. Cut +pumpkin into small hunks with an axe. Boil the hunks. Boil +them some more. Continue to boil hunks until they become a +mucky gob. Unless you produce a mucky gob, the pie will be +lumpy. Add fresh picked eggs to common cow's milk. Beat the +eggs. They may be hard to beat, but beat them. Use a carpet +beater if necessary. Now pinch the salt and add the pinch. +Add a dash of cinnamon, add a few nutmegs (whole); these +will give the pie that rich, nutty flavor so much desired. +Add three-fourths cup of molasses. Do not add mustard--this +is not a mustard plaster, it is a pie. Now add this mixture +to the mucky gob. Stir until thoroughly mixed. Let stand +while you give your pie-pans a coat of crust. Then pour +mixture into pie-pans until they slop over. Place in a hot +oven. When you can't stick a fork into the pies, they are +done. Remove pies from oven and place on the back piazza to +cool. If the dog likes them, they're all right. + +[Sidenote: _Etiquette Hint_: To remove a "sticking plaster," +try yawning. + +[Illustration] +] + + + + +[Illustration] + +SUNDAY SUCH A JAIS! + + There was a young man from Calais + Who saw a soubrette at a plais. + Her beauty all fled + When her make-up was shed, + And his idol proved nothing but clais! + +MONDAY + +TUESDAY + +WEDNESDAY (60 B.C.) Cleopatra invents peek-a-boo waists. + + (60 B.C.) Antony becomes first easy Marc. + + (1906) Peek-a-boo waist is the pneumonia waist + in September. + +THURSDAY + +FRIDAY + +SATURDAY + +OCTOBER + +The baby's favorite, often heard at night--a high-bawl in +A flat. + + + + +HELPFUL HINT FOR NOVEMBER + + +Do not put brandy in your mince pies. It spoils it--the +brandy, we mean. + +We cannot speak too strongly against the pernicious habit of +doctoring mince meat with brandy. It lures men on. The first +baleful bite rouses the appetite, and soon they will be +eating mince pie after mince pie all day, and eventually be +laid up with indigestion. And even the aggressive clove +curls up and faints when ordered to disguise a mince pie +breath. + + * * * * * + +HOW TO GET RID OF THE GYPSY MOTH + +First, climb the tree where he resides and carefully put him +in your hip pocket; then fall heavily to the ground, landing +on your back in such a manner as to disfigure the moth +permanently. + +If he survives, circulate stories derogatory to gypsies +generally and he will leave of his own accord. + +[Sidenote: _Horticultural Note_: This is a good month to get +a slip from an ice plant. Walk through it without rubbers. + +[Illustration] +] + + + + +[Illustration: Those stars hold the stage. Take yer hat +off.] + +SUNDAY EVOLUTION + + "I'm not a beauty, I'll allow," + Said the poor mule, lank and old, + "But I'm less of a jackass, anyhow, + Than my father was, I'm told." + +MONDAY + +TUESDAY + +WEDNESDAY (1904) Prohibitionists nominated Swallow for + President. He went down easily. + +THURSDAY + +FRIDAY (1905) Roosevelt discovered that he was + nominated June "23." + + (1906) Roosevelt decides not to run for third + term. + +SATURDAY + +NOVEMBER + +Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned and, according to all +accounts, it also has many other discomforts of home. + + + + +FAMILY TREES + + + Men are luckless farmers, + Their Family Trees will show, + For many who grafted Peaches + Are ruined by their Blow. + + +CANNED ADVERTISEMENTS HEAD +GOODS WEAR + +_BRAINS MADE TO ORDER!_ + +Do your brains fit you? Are they of an +inferior quality? Do they make you a +living? + +... USE ... +OLD DR. WISE'S BRAINS! + +We have reached the highest perfection +point in the manufacture of brains and can +supply you with canned brains at reasonable +prices. Put up only in pints and quarts. +Prices on application. + +BRAINS ON TRIAL! + +Send us your name and we will ship you +direct a complete set of our brains on trial. +Use them 30 days and if, at the end of that +period, you find them not all we claim, +return them to us at our expense. + +SECOND-HAND BRAINS TAKEN IN +EXCHANGE! + +THE WISE GRAY +MATTER CO. + +Boston, Mass. + +[Sidenote: _Golf Rule_: If you strike your partner, while +driving, the stroke counts against him.] + +[Sidenote: _Health Note_: To cure palpitation of the heart, +it is best to ask her at once and have it over with.] + + + + +[Illustration: Push those clouds away. He's not the only one +with a first quarter. Aw you know me.] + +SUNDAY GENEALOGICAL NOTE + + Any low-browed, brindle rooster + Can kerdoodle if he choose ter + And strut about and cackle, "Tra la la!" + But an incubator chicken + Hatched by steam's a mighty slick un' + If it's wise enough to recognize its ma. + +MONDAY + +TUESDAY + +WEDNESDAY + +THURSDAY (1640) Torture abolished in England. + + (1906) Corsets still worn. + +FRIDAY Law now off on certain fish. Get the hook. + +SATURDAY + +NOVEMBER + +Home is where you are not allowed to sit on the sofa +pillows. + + + + +FORECAST FOR NOVEMBER + + +The period between the 1st and the 9th will be marked by +cold in the head and feet. To relieve cold feet bathe them +in hot water before retiring; if they're your wife's, do the +same. Another way to relieve cold feet is to get out of the +game. From the 9th to the 16th there will be hard sledding +for the poor and automobiling for the rich. Along the latter +part of the month there will be a wave of hot mince pie, +turkey, cranberry sauce, and other good things, followed by +headache in the northern portion and stomach-ache in the +southern portion. + + * * * * * + +Sagittarius (the Archer) is the sign in the Zodiac for +November. It is "Sag's" business to shoot any good weather +that shows itself above the skyline. Sometimes when "Sag" is +not looking the summer Indian sneaks through the picket +line. + +[Sidenote: _Poultry Hint_: Time spent in trying to reform a +bad egg is time wasted.] + +[Sidenote: _Health Hint_: Persons troubled with rheumatics +should avoid attic rooms, but those who have the "shingles" +can sleep on the roof.] + + + + +[Illustration] + +SUNDAY METEORO-LOGICAL + +MONDAY "One swallow does not make a summer," + Still, 'tis clear to all + That swallows enough of the right sort of stuff + Are certain to make a fall. + +TUESDAY + +WEDNESDAY (1775) Washington's army, barefooted in the + snow at Valley Forge, swore that it + would, later on, whip the British + "out of their boots." + +THURSDAY + +FRIDAY (4004 B.C.) Popular songs invented by Adam, who + introduced "There's only one girl in the + world for me!" + +SATURDAY + +NOVEMBER + +Circumstances open cases. + + + + +HOW TO VIEW AN ECLIPSE + + +To properly view an eclipse to its full, a party of several +good spirits should get together. Whether an eclipse of the +sun or the moon, each should take a glass and smoke it. A +great deal depends on the quality and character of the +glass. Some glasses are much more certain to reveal an +eclipse than are others. + + * * * * * + +If the first glass when properly smoked does not show the +eclipse, try another and a stronger one. It is very probable +that this glass will show the sun or the moon in the throes +of an eclipse. Still another glass will show two suns or two +moons. The third glass is likely to show several moons and +several suns, fixed stars and those that need fixing, comets +and milky ways, sky-rockets and pin-wheels, all combining to +eclipse the finest display of Fourth of July fireworks ever +projected by the mind of man. + + * * * * * + +And when the beholder of this mighty spectacle wakes up +during the afternoon of the following day and sees but one +simple unadorned sun doing business in the whole expanse of +the broad, blue heavens, he has a feeling of pity for all +those who retired early the night before and missed the +social, spiritual, and educative uplift that comes from +viewing an eclipse under just the proper conditions. + +[Sidenote: _Health Hint_: Young ladies desiring more color +in their cheeks should try brushing the same with a two +days' growth of bristles on a masculine chin.] + + + + +[Illustration] + +SUNDAY WHO DARES? + +MONDAY Some men are brave, no doubt, in war, + But the iron-nerved rip-snorter + Is the fellow who rides in the sleeping-car + And refuses to tip the potter. + +TUESDAY + +WEDNESDAY (1890) Improved excelsior machines invented. + + Same date--Breakfast food introduced. + +THURSDAY + +FRIDAY (1828) Daniel O'Connell, elected to parliament, + refuses to take the oath. + + Same date--First and only time on record a + politician ever refused to take anything. + +SATURDAY + +NOVEMBER + +The man behind the man in front constitutes a pull, not a +push. + + + + +HELPFUL HINT FOR DECEMBER + + +Now, do not show your resentment toward those who forgot to +send you presents last Christmas. Send each of them a little +remembrance--but be sure to select something that will force +them to spend forty or fifty dollars to take care of it or +to surround it with the proper atmosphere. This is much +better than mailing a post card and letting it go at that. + +NEAR EYES ADVERTISEMENTS SPECTACLES +FAR EYES EXTRAVAGANZAS + +_EYES TESTED AT HOME_ + +[Illustration] + +It is a deplorable fact that human +vision is falling below the normal +standard day by day. A great many +people weaken their eyes by looking +for work, others in trying to see a +joke where there is no joke. + +Our patent home eye tester is +presented herewith. Why pay +good money to an oculist when you +can test your eyes yourself? + +DIRECTIONS FOR USING EYE-TESTER + + Hold black disc and parallel lines 18 + inches in front of your eyes. Close + your eyes and look at diagram intently. + If, then, any one line in the diagram + seems to you to be more alike than any + other line, or if any one line looks to + be more parallel than two lines, you + ought to wear spectacles. + +[Sidenote: _Health Hint_: Fatigued brain-workers desiring to +engage in some restful employment should try hair-dressing. +The barber does most of his head-work with his hands.] + +[Sidenote: _Household Hint_: Do not mistake the cat for a +sofa pillow; those who sit on the cat, thinking she is a +cushion, will rise again.] + + + + +[Illustration: Our last quarter.] + +SUNDAY A SACRED THOUGHT + + "Oh, had I the wings of a dove!" sang she + And I thought (and I guess it was pat) + If she gets them, on next Sunday morning + we'll see + The two of them pinned on her hat. + +MONDAY + +TUESDAY + +WEDNESDAY (1906) Terrible disaster throughout United + States--many magazines have hot-air + explosions, shattering scores of + reputations. + +THURSDAY + +FRIDAY (1897) Thousands invest in Keeley motor stock. + + (1898) Keeley motor discovered to be a fraud-- + first Keeley cure on record. + +SATURDAY + +DECEMBER + +All things come to him who goes after them. + + + + +FARMING IN ALASKA + + +It is encouraging to note that farming in our far Northwest +possessions is on the boom. [Note to printer--be careful not +to make "bum" out of "boom."] A bulletin issued by the +Agricultural Department of our government, just as we go to +press, shows that there are at present in Alaska 12 farms, +four oxen, 13 cows, 176 chickens, 10 pigs, several cases of +pneumonia and numerous games of "freeze-out." During the +fiscal year there was harvested in Alaska $165 worth of hay, +$95 worth of eggs and poultry, and a big crop of ice. There +are certain advantages of farming in Alaska. In harvest +time, for instance, a man never sweats at work. He markets +his milk frozen and sells it by the hunk. You never hear of +anybody crying over spilt milk in Alaska. It's the same way +with eggs--no cold storage needed; the eggs are frozen +before they are layed, thus retaining their fine, fresh +flavor until used. You never hear of an egg passing from the +sublime to the ridiculous stage in Alaska. + + * * * * * + +Farmers in Alaska plow with ice-picks and shoot the seed +into the soil with a double-barreled shotgun. The 12 farmers +in Alaska held a farmers' institute recently to talk over +prospects for the current year. Basing prospects on $165 +worth of hay raised last year, they figure that if +conditions are favorable they will raise $175 worth this +year. + +[Sidenote: _Culinary Note_: To pair potatoes, place them two +by two.] + +[Sidenote: _Health Note_: For water on the brain try an +umbrella.] + + + + +[Illustration] + +SUNDAY EVE BEGAN IT + + The eternal feminine has not changed much since + the days of Eve, who was the first of her sex + to complain that she hadn't a thing to wear. + +MONDAY + +TUESDAY + +WEDNESDAY (1798) George Washington invents the cocktail. + + (1906) George Washington acknowledged to be most + popular man in history of the country. + +THURSDAY + +FRIDAY (1905) Beef Trust declared illegal--whatever + that is. + + (1906) Beef Trust demonstrates that there is + no use "beefing about it." + +SATURDAY + +DECEMBER + +Most popular book in the world--the pocketbook. + + + + +THE PUBLISHER'S COZY CORNER CHAT + +ONE OF OUR AWFUL SMART BOYS + + +Little George Hathadash lives in Megawolloppey, Maine, and +is now three years old. + +This brave ruddy-cheeked boy immediately took the +Megawolloppey agency for the "Saturday Evening Roast," +feeling sure that his ruddy cheek would carry him through +successfully. Next Sunday, when everybody was gathered in +church, who should come toddling down the aisle but George +Hathadash distributing his first bundle of "Roasts," just as +he had seen the train boy sell candy on a train of cars. +"Better and brighter than any thermon," cried George +Hathadash in his childish treble. "Here's your 'Thaturday +Evening Roast,' the brother-in-law of the 'Ladies' Wall +Paper.' Better and brighter than any thermon." + +Of course that attracted attention, and almost before he +knew it George had disposed of his whole bundle and +established himself in business. He is now well on his way +to win the beautiful prize of a silver carving knife that +the "Roast" offers as an extra inducement to its hustling +young salesmen. + +There are other prizes and any boy with a good ruddy cheek +is likely to get one of them. + +But all boys are not like George Hathadash. We think _he_ is +going to be a President of the Common Council. + +[Sidenote: _Health Note_: A hot brick is a good thing for +the feet; a cold brick is a bad thing for the head. + +[Illustration]] + + + + +[Illustration] + +SUNDAY (44 B.C.) "Twenty-three for you," shouted + Brutus to Cæsar, and when they counted + the stab wounds they found Brutus had + enumerated correctly. + +MONDAY + +TUESDAY (1776) Washington arrives at Dorchester Heights + and finds 25,000 bushels of wheat. + "I am glad it isn't breakfast food," + said George. + +WEDNESDAY + +THURSDAY (192 B.C.) First mention of Baseball. Sparta + joins the Achean league--it was easy to + slide in Greece. + +FRIDAY LONGEST NIGHT OF THE YEAR + + The colicky baby's father, + As he croons his soothing song, + His thanks should give that he doesn't live + Where the nights are six months long. + +SATURDAY + +DECEMBER + +"Even those who can't read like to look at the +pictures."--Willie B. Hearsed + +(Politically)? + + + + +ADVICE TO PARENTS + + +It is now pretty generally believed that the name given to +one to bear with him night and day, during all his years, +has a most important influence in the work of shaping his +life and fortune. + + * * * * * + +No doubt a careful investigation of the subject would show +that most of the bare-pated men of the nation are so because +while they were still helpless little children they were +named Archibald, Theobald, Baldwin, and the like, whereas, +had they been named Harry, or Harold, or Aaron, they would +still be blest with well-thatched polls. + + * * * * * + +It is the bounden duty of parents to determine the business +or profession in which they intend their children shall +engage. If they wish their son to become a fancy +poultry-breeder they should name him Egbert or Henry; if +they wish him to become a surgeon they should call him +Lancelot; if an arithmetician, Adam; if a clown, Guy or +Joshua; if a street car driver, Oscar; if a real estate +dealer, Lot or Orlando; if a man of wealth, Richard; if a +debtor, Owen; and if they wish him to "go to grass," +Timothy. + + * * * * * + +The same degree of thoughtful care should be exercised in +naming girls, as well. If a girl is to become a musician she +should be called Octavia or Dora; if a milliner, Hattie; if +a writer, Adaline; if a cook, Dinah or Amelia; and so on to +the end of the chapter. + +[Sidenote: ? Why is the standard octopus like a water-lily? +Oh, fudge! It isn't like a water-lily at all. It is more +like the skunk cabbage which gets a head in the world, but +is always in bad odor.] + + + + +[Illustration] + +SUNDAY (1660) Charles II, chased by subpoena from + Cromwell, wins record of being most + difficult man in the world to subpoena. + + (1906) Rockefeller smashes record of Charles II. + +MONDAY + +TUESDAY (1620) Pilgrims land at Plymouth in little + Mayflower. + + (1906) Records show that little Mayflower + brought over 38,000,000 carloads of + ancestors, candlesticks, furniture, etc. + +WEDNESDAY (1906) Chinese missionaries threatened. + + (Next day) Missionaries leave tracts and make + new ones for home. + +THURSDAY + +FRIDAY The day before Christmas will seem the longest + day in the year if you are expecting any + presents. + +SATURDAY + +DECEMBER + +Wit is something bright, thought of after the guests have +departed. + + + + +ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS + + +DIFFIDENT--The proper way to handle a lobster is to have him +arrested. + +ECONOMY--We know of no place where toothbrushes are +laundered. + +HISTORIAN--You are right. Noah was the largest individual +holder of watered stock during his age. + +SCIENCE--Yes, ice is slippery on both sides. + +WELL WISHER--We return the $5 note. We cannot accept +counterfeit money from admirers. + +SPORT--You lose. Adam was born an orphan. + + * * * * * + +RECENT INVENTIONS + +A charming addition to the safety razor is a little fountain +attachment that sprinkles the user with Bay Rum. + + * * * * * + +Up-to-date bachelors are rapidly adopting the new unlosable +collar button. This collar button is made of rubber with a +little electric light attachment and is guaranteed to bounce +for five minutes. Every time it strikes the floor, the +impact causes the light to shine brilliantly, thus making it +impossible to lose sight of even in the darkest corner. + +[Sidenote: _A New Year Thought_: Now is the time to take +your pen in hand--to meditate, to practise faithfully until +you write with ease, one--nine--naught--EIGHT.] + +[Sidenote: _To Develop the Calf_: Permit it to remain with +its mother for two or three weeks. Then teach it to drink +milk out of pail.] + + + + +[Illustration] + +SUNDAY (1278) Ottocar died in Vienna. + + (1895) Automobile born in France. + +MONDAY + +TUESDAY (1373) Leopold, archduke of Austria, named his + son Rupert for the benefit of modern + novelists. + +WEDNESDAY (1340) Cannon first used in England. + + (1906) Roosevelt uses Cannon in the House of + Representatives. + +THURSDAY CORRESPONDENT ANSWERED + + Editor Foolish Almanack:-- + What ails my hens? Every morning I + find two or three lying on their backs, toes + curled up, never to rise again. + + CONSTANT READER. + Skowhegan, Me. + + Answer:--Your hens are dead.--Ed. + +FRIDAY + +SATURDAY + +DECEMBER + +Health Hint:--If you have a "broken bone" try to save the +change. + + + + +_Number 1 in the "Foolish Series"_ + +_The_ Foolish Dictionary + +_by_ GIDEON WURDZ + +_Author of "Foolish Finance"_ + +Over fifty illustrations by Wallace Goldsmith. + +More than one hundred thousand copies of "_The Foolish +Dictionary_" have been sold, and throughout the country its +seven hundred witty definitions are quoted in every walk of +life. + +It is a book for everybody who loves fun in words--in fact +it's + +A DICTIONARY _of_ HUMOR + +_Uniform with "Foolish Finance." Cloth Price 75c_ + +JOHN W. LUCE _and_ COMPANY +BOSTON _and_ LONDON + + + + +_Number 3 in the "Foolish Series"_ + +_Foolish Finance_ + +_by_ GIDEON WURDZ + +_Author of "The Foolish Dictionary"_ + + A mirthful book on all branches of finance, + familiarizing the uninitiated with the funny side of + losing money, while making Wall Street see the joke + on themselves. + + "The Author aims his witty shafts at the monopolists, + railroads, banks, mines, insurance companies, and on + every page there is something to provoke a + smile."--_Boston Herald_ + +Over fifty characteristically funny illustrations by Wallace +Goldsmith. + +_Uniform with "Foolish Dictionary". Cloth Price 75c_ + +JOHN W. LUCE _and_ COMPANY +BOSTON _and_ LONDON + + + + +_Containing a Wealth of Nimble Jest_ + +_Foolish Etiquette_ + +written by that Brilliant Coterie so Giddy-on-Words, whose +contributions to "The Foolish Dictionary," "Foolish Finance" +and "The Foolish Almanac" have made those books nationally +notable, here appearing under the pseudonym of + +_O. B. HAYVE_ + +Over 100 Characteristic Illustrations by Wallace Goldsmith +whose humorous sketches are such an important feature of +_The Foolish Series_. + + "Even more entertaining, we think, than either of its + predecessors."--_Boston Advertiser_, June 25, 1906. + + "Wit and cleverness."--_N.Y. Tribune_, June 30, 1906. + +_Cloth, uniform with other books in this series, 7-3/8 x +4-1/2. 160 Pages. Price 75c_ + +JOHN W. LUCE _and_ COMPANY +BOSTON _and_ LONDON + + + +ADDITIONAL TITLES _from_ JOHN W. LUCE & COMPANY'S LIST + +THE GIRL IN WAITING, by Archibald Eyre. "A very +unusual novel." [$1.50 + +ALL BY WIRE +A love episode told in 100 fac-simile telegrams. [$1.00 + +THE MISFIT CHRISTMAS PUDDINGS, by the Consolation Club. +A Christmas Story, beautifully illustrated +by Wallace Goldsmith. [$1.25 + +THE CANTERVILLE GHOST, by Wilde. An inimitable satire, +and grotesquely amusing. [$1.00 +Illustrated by Wallace Goldsmith. + +A BACHELOR'S CUPBOARD, by A. Lyman Phillips. +Everything a bachelor should know. [$1.00 + +THE FOOLISH ALMANACK (1st). +If you like one you will like the other. [$ .75 + +LOVE LETTERS OF HENRY VIII to Anne Boleyn. +Genuine copies, exquisitely bound in full leather. [$1.50 + +GEORGE BERNARD SHAW; HIS PLAYS. A critical analysis +by Henry L. Mencken. [$1.00 + +ON GOING TO CHURCH, by George Bernard Shaw. [$ .75 + +EPIGRAMS AND APHORISMS, by Oscar Wilde. +Sparks from a brilliant mind. [$1.50 + +Any of the above books will be sent by the publishers, +postage prepaid, on receipt of price. + +JOHN W. LUCE AND COMPANY +31 BEACON STREET BOSTON + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Foolish Almanak, by Anonymous + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 40145 *** |