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@@ -1,36 +1,4 @@ -The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Foolish Almanak, by Anonymous - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with -almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or -re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included -with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org/license - - -Title: The Foolish Almanak - -Author: Anonymous - -Illustrator: Wallace Goldsmith - -Release Date: July 7, 2012 [EBook #40145] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: ASCII - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE FOOLISH ALMANAK *** - - - - -Produced by David Edwards and the Online Distributed -Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This file was -produced from images generously made available by The -Internet Archive) - - - - +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 40145 *** [Illustration: THE FOOLISH ALMANAC 2nd] @@ -2959,7 +2927,7 @@ us to touch a tender spot. * * * * * -She--(very decollete). How far do you think a girl ought to +She--(very décolleté). How far do you think a girl ought to go toward revealing the secrets of her heart? He--(sizing her up). Well, I should say you'd gone about the @@ -3620,7 +3588,7 @@ the feet; a cold brick is a bad thing for the head. [Illustration] SUNDAY (44 B.C.) "Twenty-three for you," shouted - Brutus to Caesar, and when they counted + Brutus to Cæsar, and when they counted the stab wounds they found Brutus had enumerated correctly. @@ -3957,366 +3925,4 @@ JOHN W. LUCE AND COMPANY End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Foolish Almanak, by Anonymous -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE FOOLISH ALMANAK *** - -***** This file should be named 40145.txt or 40145.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: - http://www.gutenberg.org/4/0/1/4/40145/ - -Produced by David Edwards and the Online Distributed -Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This file was -produced from images generously made available by The -Internet Archive) - - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions -will be renamed. - -Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no -one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation -(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without -permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or -re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included -with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org/license - - -Title: The Foolish Almanak - -Author: Anonymous - -Illustrator: Wallace Goldsmith - -Release Date: July 7, 2012 [EBook #40145] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE FOOLISH ALMANAK *** - - - - -Produced by David Edwards and the Online Distributed -Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This file was -produced from images generously made available by The -Internet Archive) - - - - - -[Illustration: THE FOOLISH ALMANAC 2nd] - - -PERPETUAL PASS - -Issued to: -Edw. C. Smith -_From_ Worryland -_To_ Laughter - -(To be used only on The Foolish Almanack 2nd Limited) -GOOD TILL DOOMSDAY - -_With the Compliments of the Season_ -John N. Luce & Co. - - -[Illustration: SIGNS OF THE ZODIAC UP-TO-DATE] - - -_THE_ -FOOLISH ALMANAK -For Anuthur Year - -THE FURST CINC THE INTRODUKSHUN OV THE -MUK-RAKE IN MAGAZEEN GARDNING, AND -THE SPELING REFORM OV OWR LANGWIJ - -By THEODOR ROSYFELT - - -Thair hay bin uthur Yearz but non like this. -Thingz wil Hapn. - -313 Dayz wil kum and 313 Dayz wil go and thair wil -be 52 Sundayz evn in the best regulayted Familiz. -Thair wil be at leest wun 23 for yu in eech munth. - - * * * * * - -LIFE WITHOUT IT WIL BE UN-SEAZOND - -By kind Purmishun ov the Jawn D. Rawkyfelurs the -Sun and Moon wil be purmitted 2 Arize and -Shine. The Shuberts wil regulayte the -Starz, and the Planits wil du -the best they kan. - -Hetty Green and J. Peerpont Morgun have garanteed the -Wethur. - - * * * * * - -_WITH APOLOGIZ TO THE KARNAGY SPELING SKOOL_ - -PURPETRAYTED, WITH THE AID OV WALLACE GOLDSMITH'S -PICTURZ, BY - -JOHN W. LUCE AND COMPANY -_BOSTON_ 1906 _LONDON_ - - - - -_Copyright, 1906, by_ -JOHN W. LUCE & COMPANY -_Boston, Mass., U. S. A._ - -_The Plimpton Press Norwood Mass. U. S. A._ - - - - -[Illustration] - - -Greeting - - Time was, is, and will be. Almanacks - have come and Almanacks - have gone. But Time has survived. - Only the Foolish Almanack - has been equal to the pleasant - Task of Killing it. - -We offer the Book as our Defense. - - -THE PUBLISHERS. - - - - -HELPFUL HINT FOR JANUARY: - - -Do not give way to vain regrets because you did not keep the -good resolves you made a year ago. It might be worse. You -might have kept the resolutions and have had no incentive -for leading a better life this year. - - * * * * * - -ECLIPSES FOR THE COMING YEAR - -If there are as many Eclipses as during 1905-6, it will be a -hard year on grafters and bosses. The editor is optimistic, -however, believing that the sanitary revolution which swept -the country has about blown over. Public confidence and -laxity have been restored in a large measure and the time is -now about ripe for us to get it in the neck again. - -[Sidenote: _DRESS HINT_: The first costume on record was a -hand-me-down from the fig tree. - -[Illustration] - -_AN ICE AGE_: Now is the time to cut ice. "Doc." Osler won't -like it if you wait until after you are 40.] - - - - -[Illustration] - -SUNDAY - -MONDAY Do not swear off anything. Wait 'till tax time. - -TUESDAY (1781) Baron Munchausen published his memoirs. - - (1901) Andrew Carnegie started writing his - autobiography. - -WEDNESDAY - -THURSDAY Erroneously spelled Thursday. It should be - spelled T-h-i-r-s-t-d-a-y (consult any of the - reformed who have been clinging to the water - wagon since Tuesday.) - -FRIDAY - -SATURDAY (1906) There was no genius born in Indiana this - day. - -JANUARY - -Reciprocity is the mother of contention. - - - - -UP IN MAINE - - - A thirsty, young sport, up in Me. - Pretended to suffer great Pe. - But when he'd imbibed - What the druggist prescribed, - He said he felt better Age. - -Note: We demanded a diagram for the above and the author -reluctantly provided it. He thinks that any one should know -that _Me._ is the abbreviation for Maine and that to make -the 2d and last lines rhyme you will readily read _Pe._ as -abbreviation for _pain_ and _Age._ as abbreviation for -_again_. We feel much better now and we hope you do, dear -reader.--_The Editor._ - -[Sidenote: _Health Hint_: Those who are always having the -hives should go into the bee business.] - -[Sidenote: _Household Advice_: To keep the kitchen fire hot, -keep it coaled.] - - - - -[Illustration] - -SUNDAY - -MONDAY Adam and Eve began housekeeping, and having - neither prying neighbors nor troublesome - servants they named their bungalow "Paradise." - -TUESDAY - -WEDNESDAY A four-flush only wins political pots. - --Poker Proverbs. - -THURSDAY - -FRIDAY Rosa Bonheur born. Rosa painted animals - and all of her competitors at the art - shows said her work was "beastly." - -SATURDAY - -JANUARY - -There are as good fish in the sea as there are in the fish -carts. - - - - -FORECAST FOR JANUARY - - -From January 1st until the 7th, and possibly in some cases -until the 9th or 10th, it will be very DRY. This drouth will -be followed by a long wet spell. The Zodiacal sharp who runs -things during January is Aquarius, which being translated -means "water-wagon." The only folks who never heard of -Aquarius live in the corn-belt of Kentucky. - - * * * * * - -From January 10th to the 15th, the weather will devote its -time to making up its mind what it is going to do. From the -15th to the 20th it will do it. - - * * * * * - -Dark clouds of remorse and despondency will reign during the -last week in January, but by February 1st you will have -become accustomed and resigned to your old habits. - -[Illustration] - -January will also be marked by "white goods sales," and (if -it's windy in the shopping district) skirt sails. - -[Sidenote: _Gardening Hint_: You cannot raise bread fruit -from cauliflour.] - -[Sidenote: _Health Hint_: If your blood is bad blame it on -your ancestors.] - - - - -[Illustration] - -SUNDAY - -MONDAY (1905) It was decided to build a sea-level-lock - canal in Panama. - - (2001) It was decided to build a lock-sea-level - canal instead. - -TUESDAY (3000 A.D.) At a quiet meeting, Daughters of - the Revolution elected their officers - unanimously. - -WEDNESDAY - -THURSDAY Wear Blinders! To gaze at anything - with the naked eye is immodest. - --Anthony Comstock. - -FRIDAY - -SATURDAY - -JANUARY - -Open confession may be good for the soul, but it's bad for -the reputation. - - - - -SEVEN WONDERS OF THE WORLD - - -Why a pretty ankle makes a "rubber-neck." - -Why a Kentucky "Colonel" is a "good Judge." - -Why chorus girls and lobsters always go together. - -Why a Grass-widow objects to a raking over. - -Why real pains from little champagnes grow. - -Why there is no "Midway" on the straight and narrow path. - -How a man can be "half-seas-over" on land. - - * * * * * - -TALE OF A TANK - - High-ball - Sad fall. - - Big head - 'Nuff said. - -[Sidenote: Muck-rakes will not be popular with trusts or -officialdom, but much sought after by literateurs. - -[Illustration] -] - - - - -[Illustration] - -SUNDAY - -MONDAY (1906) Great excitement in County Cork. Handy - Skinegie bit off a piece of the Blarney - stone before delivering his address on - "How I hate to be rich." - -TUESDAY (1925) Atlas seeks to retire from supporting - the world. American-Journal-Examiner - put at his service. - -WEDNESDAY - -THURSDAY - -FRIDAY (1906) T. Roosevelt began publishing a series - of short stories in the Congressional - Record. - -SATURDAY - -JANUARY - -A punch in the bowl is worth two in the face. - - - - -FOR THE HOME COMING - - -Before meeting his wife and family at the station a wise man -will put his house in order for the home coming. - - * * * * * - -A pleasant way of doing this is to give a house-cleaning -party. Divide your party into the Sweepers, the Dusters, the -Scrubbers, and the Dish Washers, giving each group proper -utensils and offering a prize for the best results. - - * * * * * - -Let the party begin at midnight, after a pleasant dinner, -and at about 2 in the morning the police will probably come -in and finish cleaning the place up. - -[Illustration] - -[Sidenote: _Dairy Hint_: Most dairymen find a separator -useful, but it is not absolutely necessary. To separate milk -most effectively, keep away from the pump.] - - - - -[Illustration] - -SUNDAY - -MONDAY Wm. Tell born. Some persons do not believe - the Wm. Tell story. What Tell do they believe? - -TUESDAY Publicity brings its own reward. - --Winston Churchill et al. - -WEDNESDAY - -THURSDAY - -FRIDAY Robinson Crusoe born. Crusoe was the first - victim to get a long term on the Island. - -SATURDAY - -JANUARY - -A man's a man for a' that--there is in it. - - - - -HELPFUL HINT FOR FEBRUARY - - -It wasn't because George Washington cut down the cherry tree -that he was made President. And very few men get into office -simply for telling the truth. We hardly know how to advise -you on this point. Why do you wish to enter politics? - - * * * * * - -TO FIND OUT IF MONEY IS TAINTED - - If silver or gold, bite it. - If bills, wash with soap and water. - If a cheque, call up the bank. - -[Sidenote: _Society Hint_: A little gossip goes a long way.] - -[Sidenote: _How to Be Happy_: Quit living.] - - - - -[Illustration] - -SUNDAY - -MONDAY (1874) Siamese twins Chang and Eng die. - - (1906) Buttin twins, Lawson and Roosevelt, - perfectly healthy. -TUESDAY - -WEDNESDAY (1781) "Battle of Cowpens." British defeated - by Morgan. - - (1906) Second "Battle of Cowpens." Packers - defeated by O'Neil and Reynolds. - -THURSDAY - -FRIDAY About this time expect some weather. - -SATURDAY - -FEBRUARY - - There's many a damn - 'Twixt the door and the jamb. - - - - -HOW TO SKATE - - -February is perhaps as good a month as any other to learn to -skate. - -The simplest, and most approved method, is as follows: - -One high-ball, another high-ball, 1 more high-ball, simply a -high-ball, just one more high-ball, ditto, the same, and -lastly, a highball. (Note--After the glass is full say, "Not -another drop.") - -You will be surprised at the ease with which you can skate. - - * * * * * - -"Spreading the Eagle" is a very pretty and artistic skating -figure. It is done by trying to get from one side of the -street to the other all in the same night. - - * * * * * - -"Looping the lamp-post" is also quite an achievement in -skating. It doesn't make any difference which of the two -lamp-posts you loop--take your choice. It is difficult to -give directions how to do this. The feat has to be seen to -be learned. There is a simpler way of doing it, however, and -that is--stand perfectly still while the lamp-post passes -around you. - - * * * * * - -Two persons skating together for mutual assistance are known -as "a pair of skates." - - * * * * * - -An expert skater can skate just as well in July as in -February. - -[Sidenote: _Nocturne_: - - Bright - Light - Night. - - Miss - Kiss - Bliss. - - Pa - Bar - Scar. - -[Illustration] -] - - - - -[Illustration: Don't see me freckles. Look pleasant please.] - -SUNDAY - -MONDAY Cherry trees and hatchets have been supplanted - by "big sticks" as decorations at the White - House. - -TUESDAY - -WEDNESDAY "Cut it out"--_Surgeon's Motto_. - -THURSDAY George Washington born. Neighbors took in - their cherry trees. - -FRIDAY - -SATURDAY - -FEBRUARY - -When Duty calls, send her around to the back door. - - - - -HOW TO COMPOSE A SHORT STORY - - -"Ambitious" asks the compiler of this Almanack to tell her -the easiest way to compose a short story. - - * * * * * - -This depends somewhat on the short story, but a few general -observations may be of interest. Some short stories are more -excited than others. - - * * * * * - -Lead the short story to a quiet place and soothe it by -praise delivered in a gentle, monotonous, but authoritative -tone of voice. Be careful not to criticize, as that will -make it more and more nervous. When the short story shows -signs of yielding to this influence, smooth it gently with -one hand and pat it on the back with the other. When quite -composed, withdraw quietly, still speaking in a low tone. - - * * * * * - -A short story by Mary Wilkins can be composed more quickly -than a short story by Kipling. In the latter case it may be -necessary to gently persuade the short story to take an -opiate. - -[Sidenote: _Health Hint_: All that blisters is not good for -a cold.] - -[Sidenote: _Lucky Advice_: It is unlucky to fall down 13 -flights of stairs.] - - - - -[Illustration: Darn that ram.] - -SUNDAY (1906) A bright day. W. J. Bryan congratulates - the Sun. - -MONDAY - -TUESDAY "It isn't so much her eating the apple as that - she thought she was getting something for - nothing. I foresee much trouble from this - tendency." --Adam's Journal. - -WEDNESDAY - -THURSDAY - -FRIDAY (2300 B.C.) Confusion invented by Confucius. - -SATURDAY - -FEBRUARY - -A woman's college is a dangerous thing. - - - - -HELPFUL HINT FOR MARCH - - -Now is a good time to think about having your last summer's -suit and hat cleaned and fixed up to last another season. -You can stand at the window and look out at the snow, and -think about this to your heart's content. This probably will -warm you to such an extent that you will save a bit on your -coal bill. - - * * * * * - -HOW TO HANDLE A MUCK-RAKE - -The owner of a muck-rake should first get a magazine to keep -it in. This practice originated with Laws Tomson, the -celebrated Norse Berserker. - -Select your muck and rake it diligently until you find a -large, fat check; then leave that pile and begin on another. - - * * * * * - -WEATHER HINT--It's a nil wind that doesn't blow. - -[Sidenote: _A Bad Sign_: "All Drinks Spot Cash." - -[Illustration] - - - - -[Illustration: Those stars hold the stage. Take yer hat -off.] - -SUNDAY - -MONDAY About now young boys forget skating and begin - to think about marbles. "Old Boys" are still - skating and they are not particular whether - the pastime is associated with marble or - mahogany. - -TUESDAY - -WEDNESDAY - -THURSDAY PRESS-AGENT--One who presages or foretells. - See LYRE. - -FRIDAY - -SATURDAY (1868) Barnum's Museum in New York destroyed - by fire. Parkhurst, Carrie Nation, - Dowie, and Anthony Comstock saved. - -MARCH - -It is said that nothing is impossible; but there are lots of -people doing nothing every day. - - - - -ODD FACTS - - -Eve did not use face powder. - - * * * * * - -Methuselah developed peculiarities as he grew old. It is -said that he never paid a telephone or gas bill. - - * * * * * - -Samson had his whims. He never went into vaudeville. - - * * * * * - -Noah never cared to take the children to see the animals at -the circus. - - * * * * * - -Goliath was another who thought he had one good fight left -in him. - - * * * * * - -Christopher Columbus did not go on the lecture platform to -tell of his travels. - - * * * * * - -Napoleon always played solitaire before going into a battle; -he couldn't run the deck out, and it made him so angry he -just had to lick somebody. - - * * * * * - -Euclid invented geometry rather than design dress patterns -for his wife. - - * * * * * - -Socrates was henpecked, and was one of the greatest -philosophers in the world--but the rule does not hold good -any longer. - -[Sidenote: _Weather Sign_: A spoony pair under an umbrella -is a sign of a rain beau.] - -[Sidenote: _To Cure a Morning Headache_: Be a little more -abstemious the night before.] - - - - -[Illustration] - -SUNDAY - -MONDAY (1875) First train ran through the Hoosac - Tunnel. Hobson too young to be present. - -TUESDAY - -WEDNESDAY (1793) Washington D. C. named in honor of - Washington deceased. - -THURSDAY - -FRIDAY It was in this month that S. N. Akes left - Ireland. Located in Bellevue Hospital, N. Y. - -SATURDAY - -MARCH - -When you see a man pushing a baby carriage, it is a sign -that he has trouble before him. - - - - -SPRING, GENTLE SPRING - - -One life-size morning nearly six thousand years ago Jubal -sat outside of dear old Eden, whanged his harp and warbled -the following: - - "Gentle Spring has come at last, - So keep your furnace fires full blast!" - - * * * * * - -It was thus that Spring was invented, also the first Spring -poet. But why Spring should appeal to humanity as a season -of romance, no one who gives this problem serious thought -can imagine. - - * * * * * - -It was in the Spring that poor old Adam first had to work, -and from that time on we have had that tired feeling in the -Spring. (See footnote.) - - * * * * * - -It was also in the Spring that Eve wearied of her fig-leaf -toque. She stuck a couple lyre bird tails in one side, three -lotos buds in the other, and that settled it. Ever since man -has had to hustle in the Spring to get his wife a new hat. -(See footnote.) - - * * * * * - -It was in the Spring that Cain moved. That became a habit -with humanity and knocked more romance out of Spring. - - * * * * * - -FOOTNOTE--Also Summer, Autumn, and Winter. - -[Sidenote: _Cheese Hint_: Keep Limburger cheese closely -confined under glass until it ceases to struggle.] - -[Sidenote: _To Cure Homesickness_: Think how you would have -to be mowing the lawn or tending the furnace if you were -there.] - - - - -[Illustration: Now what's to become of the Milky Way.] - -SUNDAY A stuffed stork is the best stork. - --Mrs. Grundy. - -MONDAY - -TUESDAY - -WEDNESDAY Do not pay any bills to-day. Your creditors - may die during the night. - -THURSDAY - -FRIDAY If there is ice on the ground do not try to - go barefoot. - -SATURDAY - -MARCH - -The text which bids a man love his neighbor as himself makes -no mention of said neighbor's wife. - - - - -GEOGRAPHICAL NOTES - - -The principal river of Egypt is the Nile. Its smaller -tributaries are the juveniles. - -The capital of Ireland seems destined to have the largest -population of any city in the world. It's D'ublin, every -year. - -The United States are best for married people. - -Americans are noted for being fond of jokes. Their country -was originally named for A-merry-cus. (Vespucchi.) - -When the flood subsided it is probable that Noah and his -family landed in the vicinity of Little Rock, for we are -given to understand that he came forth from the Ark-an'-saw -land. - -Those who say that constancy is not a feminine quality -should note how long Mrs. Sippi and Miss Souri have been -running together without separating. - - * * * * * - -THE MEAN THING! - - Some mean old maid, without a doubt, - Who'd never tasted bliss, - Was first to start that lie about - The microbes in a kiss. - -[Sidenote: _Wedding Hint_: The minister ties the knot; time -and lawyers may prove it to be a slipknot.] - -[Sidenote: _Health Hint_: To cure a sluggish disposition, -run up against a real prize fighter. - -[Illustration] - -] - - - - -[Illustration] - -SUNDAY - -MONDAY (3544 B.C.) Public library opened at Athens. - No string. - -TUESDAY (1725) Order of the Bath reorganized by - George I.--Water, soap, towel. - -WEDNESDAY (5381 B.C.) Birth of Ananias, first special - newspaper correspondent. - -THURSDAY (1670) Bees brought from England to Boston. - Many politicians stung. - -FRIDAY - -SATURDAY About this time there will be some more weather. - -MARCH - -One touch of liver makes the whole world ill. - - - - -"A TAKE OFF" - - -[Illustration] - - Cling to your winter flannels - Till well along toward June, - For many a one is taken off - By taking them off too soon. - - -ADVERTISEMENTS - -_Academics, Colleges, Conservatories, Reform Schools, Etc._ - -BE A STREET PAVER - -_THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS_ -_are made yearly in the Paving_ -_Department of your home city_ - -_ARE YOU GETTING ANY OF IT??_ - -We make you an experienced street paver -by mail without interrupting present occupation. - -Lesson VI--"How to Graft under a Reform -Administration," alone worth entire cost of course. - -Begin now and be ready for your next City Election. - -UNITED STATES CORRESPONDENCE -COLLEGE OF MUNICIPAL -OPPORTUNITIES - -_P. O. Box 232323_ _Chelsea, Mass._ - -[Sidenote: _Antiquity of Ready-to-Wear Clothing_: Eve's -dress was the first truly "out-of-sight" costume, -"fig"-uratively speaking.] - -[Sidenote: _Poultry Note_: Roosters are rather hard to -manage, but hens lay wherever they are put.] - - - - -[Illustration] - -SUNDAY - -MONDAY Was it not about April 1st that the Laird of - Skibo declared he would give away real money - instead of libraries? - -TUESDAY - -WEDNESDAY Noah born. Noah first taught the race how wise - a thing it is to lay up something for a rainy - day. He laid up an ark. - -THURSDAY - -FRIDAY (64) Roman citizens conspire to fire Nero. - -SATURDAY (64) Nero fires Rome. - -APRIL - -Umbrellas cover a multitude of thieves. - - - - -HINTS TO AMATEUR GARDENERS - - -In the spring look after your potatoes carefully. Have their -eyes examined by a good oculist, and provide spectacles for -such as need them. - - * * * * * - -Never string your beans till they are old enough to -understand it. If you begin too early, they are apt to lose -their temper. - - * * * * * - -Don't attempt to graft your pie-plants. Many have tried -grafting a custard to a mince, in the hope that the brandy -in the latter would assimilate with the custard and make a -Tom and Jerry, but it never works. - - * * * * * - -Before planting your punkins, carefully remove the punk. - - * * * * * - -If you have any difficulty harvesting the fruit of your -boot-tree, use a boot-jack. - - * * * * * - -Owing to the well-known fact that the mongoose is the deadly -foe of snakes, it is thought that the best way to -exterminate them from your garden is to cultivate the -mon-gooseberry. Try it. - - * * * * * - -The mint-julep does not belong to the tulip family, although -the latter has a strong affinity for it. - -[Sidenote: _Gardening Note_: Instead of buying expensive -fertilizer for the garden, use some of last year's "popular" -magazines.] - -[Sidenote: _April_: derived from the Latin A p e r i o, -meaning _I open_, hence Eye-opener, or Easter opening.] - - - - -[Illustration] - -SUNDAY - -MONDAY Andrew Carnegie was stung by the kissing - bug in Atlanta, Ga. - -TUESDAY - -WEDNESDAY Great commotion in the monkey cage at Central - Park. Brander Matthews and Handy Skinegie - overheard talking Esperanto. - -THURSDAY - -FRIDAY - -SATURDAY All is not so that's said. - --White House Maxim. - -APRIL - -When you see a girl in a very _chic_ gown you may be sure -her father had to shell out. - - - - -AN APRIL PASTEL - - -There is no better spring month in which to move than April. -Look among your papers and if you don't find a rent receipt -for March you will know that it's your move. Plant an elm -tree on Arbor day--it may grow up to be the tree under which -Gen. Washington stopped to rest when he was pursuing the -British--who knows! The farmer will do well to apply -fertilizer to his land this month. There is no better -fertilizer on the market than Limburger cheese. It costs -considerable, but a little of it will inoculate a large -area. - - * * * * * - -EXTRACT FROM AN OFFICE-BOY'S DAIRY - - 8 a.m. Hired. - 11 a.m. Tired. - 12 m. Fired. - -[Sidenote: _Spring Hints_: -A little spring in a bed is good. -A little spring near the house is better. -A little spring in a poem is the limit.] - - - - -[Illustration: Push those clouds away. He's not the only one -with a first quarter. Aw you know me.] - -SUNDAY - -MONDAY The indictment is mightier than the charity - contribution. --Trust Proverbs. - -TUESDAY - -WEDNESDAY (1716) Public bank founded in Massachusetts. - Geological deposits refused. - -THURSDAY (1856) Condensed milk first made in Connecticut. - Price of milk-weed goes up. - -FRIDAY (1659) Cromwell resigned his protectorate. - - (1905) Taft got off the "lid." - -SATURDAY - -APRIL - -Most things are good when they're new. Men and violins don't -get good till they're old. - - - - -GARDEN AND FARMING HINTS: - - -Black-eyed Susan, Sweet William, and Johnny-Jump-Up will not -grow in a garden built for two. Either William or John must -be weeded out. - - * * * * * - -Silk hose are preferable to rubber when raising Ladies' -Slippers. - - * * * * * - -Trumpet vines grow fast on automobiles. - - * * * * * - -Young ladies at summer resorts should cultivate Bachelor's -Buttons; with care they may be grafted into Bridal Roses. - - * * * * * - -Many an Ox-eyed Daisy proves a Snapdragon after picking. - - * * * * * - -Wild Oats sown in second childhood are reaped by the next -generation. - - * * * * * - -Snowballs and highballs both fade away in hot weather. - - * * * * * - -It's a deep-rooted crop of weeds that the muck rake won't -loosen. - - * * * * * - -Very young men give their attention to the cultivation of -Widow's Weeds; men of an older growth prefer to watch the -Tender Buds bloom. - -[Sidenote: _Rainy Day Advice_: To pick out your umbrella -from among a number of better ones: take the best one--it's -yours. - -[Illustration]] - - - - -[Illustration: Our last quarter.] - -SUNDAY - -MONDAY Harvard University founded--the oldest - institution of foot-ball and accidental learning - in America. - -TUESDAY - -WEDNESDAY - -THURSDAY (1895) Elbert Hubbard had his hair cut. - Wise Elbert Hubbard - Went to his cupboard - To get the poor world a thought, - But when he got there - The cupboard was bare - And so the poor world got naught. - -FRIDAY - -SATURDAY - -APRIL - -If you can fool half the people all the time, that's good -enough; don't be a hog. - - - - -HELPFUL HINT FOR APRIL - - -Have you ever thought how much money you waste in paying -rent? Now that you are about to sign a new lease, it is time -to ponder this subject. Say you pay $50 a month rent. That -is $600 a year. Think! If you should pay rent for two -thousand years you would waste as much money as Pierpont -Muchgain makes on a little deal in railroads of a dull -afternoon. - - * * * * * - -KEEPING LENT - - Jones borrowed my umbrella. - I now know what he meant - When he said it was his custom - To religiously keep lent. - -[Sidenote: _Health Hint_: For that tired feeling take a good -doze of sleep.] - -[Sidenote: _To Make the World Brighter_: Use hope and -soap.] - - - - -[Illustration] - -SUNDAY It's not the loss of life makes death bitter, - it's the obituaries. --D. Ceest. - -MONDAY - -TUESDAY (1901-'02-'03-'04-'05-'06, etc.) A large - large section of the coal miners of - Pennsylvania struck because the operators - used non-union-made tooth powder. - - [Illustration] - - (1906) Kentucky went prohibition by a tremendous - minority. - -WEDNESDAY - -THURSDAY - -FRIDAY - -SATURDAY - -APRIL - -The wind may be tempered to the shorn lamb, but the wolf -gets equal benefit, just the same. - - - - -FORECAST FOR MAY - - -From the 1st to the 10th spring house-cleaning will take -place. Look out for soft soap on the stairs. Meals will be -served to gentlemen down town. There is no place like home -during spring house-cleaning--this is why home is so -generally avoided during that period. - - * * * * * - -From the 10th to the 20th buds will burst with deafening -reports and the grass will do some fancy shooting. - - * * * * * - -From the latter date to the end of the month people will -discard their woolens for pneumonia. - - * * * * * - -The zodiacal sign for May is Gemini, or twins. If you see a -stork skulking about your residence, shoot it. May is an -open month on storks. - -[Sidenote: _Gardening Note_: If you sow wild oats you are -likely to reap a crop of "tares."] - -[Sidenote: _To Break a Will_--See a lawyer.] - -[Sidenote: _To Break a Bill_--See a doctor.] - -[Sidenote: _To Break a Till_--See a burglar.] - - - - -[Illustration: Those stars hold the stage. Take yer hat -off.] - -SUNDAY - -MONDAY (1906) Congress decided, after a long and heated - discussion, that only filtered water - should be used in the Panama Canal. - -TUESDAY - -WEDNESDAY (1906) Ruth St. Denis, bare of waist and limbs, - wins approval of Boston society by - outdoing Little Egypt. - -THURSDAY (1906, next day) Pure-minded society people of - Boston refuse to admit Maxim Gorky and - his near-wife. - -FRIDAY - -SATURDAY "You can fool all of the people some of the time - and some of the people all of the time." - --From the Diary of &ru Carnage. - -MAY - -Many of Cupid's matches are scratched in the divorce -court. - - - - -HELPFUL HINT FOR MAY - - -The careful wife and mother will find a most excellent plan -for utilizing a spring bonnet of the vintage of 1906 will be -to tell her husband that she will make it do another season. -Then manage to be out in the rain with it on, and with no -umbrella. Further instruction is unnecessary. - - * * * * * - -TIMELY HINTS - -A great many cows come in fresh in May. If you have a good -calf, wear open-work hose and don't be ashamed to show it on -a rainy day. Plant beans, pumpkins, and squashes about May -20th, but don't mix the seed. This is also a good month to -set hens on door-knobs, and old ink-bottles, thus playing a -great joke on the hens. - -[Sidenote: _Street Car Hint_: If a person walks on your -right foot kick a person with your left.] - -[Sidenote: LEGERDEMAIN _Note_: To make a five-dollar note -look like 30 cents, blow it.] - - - - -[Illustration] - -SUNDAY - -MONDAY (33 B.C.) Antony establishes a divorce colony - in Egypt. - -TUESDAY (1906) U.S. Senators played a farce entitled - "Who's a Liar," by Pitchrake Tillman, - to crowded houses. - -WEDNESDAY - -THURSDAY - -FRIDAY (996) Clocks, giving good time, invented by - Gebert, Benedictine monk. - - (Same year) Benedictine, giving good time, - invented by same monks. - -SATURDAY - -MAY - -Where ignorance is bliss it is blister to be wise. - - - - -HOW TO GET RICH - - -Getting rich is a simple matter if one goes about it right. -If you will deposit one penny in the bank on the first day -of the month and double each deposit each day thereafter, -until the end of the month (30 days), you will find yourself -rich beyond the dreams of avarice. Thus:-- - -----------------------+--------- - DEPOSIT | DAYS OF - | MONTH -----------------------+--------- - .01 | 1 - .02 | 2 - .04 | 3 - .08 | 4 - .16 | 5 - .32 | 6 - .64 | 7 - 1.28 | 8 - 2.56 | 9 - 5.12 | 10 - 10.24 | 11 - 20.48 | 12 - 40.96 | 13 - 81.92 | 14 - 163.84 | 15 - 327.68 | 16 - 655.36 | 17 - 1,310.72 | 18 - 2.621.44 | 19 - 5,242.88 | 20 - 10,485.76 | 21 - 20,971.52 | 22 - 41,943.04 | 23 - 83,886.08 | 24 - 167,772.16 | 25 - 335,544.32 | 26 - 671,088.64 | 27 - 1,342,177.28 | 28 - 2,684,354.56 | 29 - 5,368,709.12 | 30 - -------------- | -Total, $10,737,418.23 | - -The reason more people do not succeed in this Get-Rich-Quick -scheme is that they become discouraged when they get about -75 cents in bank and give it up. - -[Sidenote: _Society Hint_: Even if you can't get into "Who's -who in America," you can get into the Telephone Book, and it -costs lots more.] - - - - -[Illustration: Darn that ram.] - -SUNDAY - -MONDAY (1867) Russia thought she was selling United - States a gold brick in Alaska. - - (1894) Gold brick proved 24 carat; Russia - heartbroken. - -TUESDAY - -WEDNESDAY (1796) Napoleon weds Josephine, hoping his - troubles will be little ones. - - (1809) Napoleon divorces Josephine. Great trouble - being his troubles were not little ones. - -THURSDAY - -FRIDAY (1887) Congress passed the anti-polygamy bill. - Great anxiety at Newport. - -SATURDAY - -MAY - -Beauty may be only skin deep, but the average observer does -not see below the skin. - - - - -MATERIA MEDICA - - -When Willie was young he cried for Mayoria. - -When Willie grew older he sought Governoria. - -When Willie woke up he'd lost his donoria. - -Now Willie is dead: they gave him Castoria. - - -SCHOOLS ADVERTISEMENTS ACADEMIES -COLLEGES STUDIOS - -[Illustration] - -CAN YOU DRAW THIS? -IF SO, YOU CAN DRAW ANYTHING - -_MICHAEL ANGELO and C. D. GIBSON_ -_make large sums of money drawing pictures_ - -WHY NOT YOU? - -_We teach Drawing by mail and will make_ -_you a Great Artist in six easy lessons_ - -ADDRESS - -Imperial Correspondence Institute -of the Fine Arts - -P. O. Box 232323 CHELSEA, MASS. - -[Sidenote: _A Feat in Contortion_: To make both ends meet -on $8 per week.] - -[Sidenote: _Farm Hint_: Make the sled runners of slippery -elm.] - - - - -[Illustration] - -SUNDAY - -MONDAY (1305) Dante's "Inferno" first noted description - of hell. - - (1906) Upton Sinclair's "Jungle" a close second. - -TUESDAY - -WEDNESDAY (1540) Gomera planned Panama Canal. - - (1640) The Dutch took it up--then laid it down. - -THURSDAY (1879) DeLesseps tries it, but gets snarled up - in the Muck Rake. - - (1906) Work progressing as rapidly as hot air - will allow. - -FRIDAY - -SATURDAY - -MAY - -There's many a slip 'twixt the stock and the tip. - - - - -FORECAST FOR JUNE - - -From the 1st to the last will be marked by mosquito showers. -From the 11th to the 18th weddings will exceed divorces, -followed by thunder and lightning. From June 18th to June -30th ice-cream sodas will be in the ascendancy. On June 21st -the sun reaches the most northerly point in the Zodiac and -enters the constellation of Cancer. Cancer is the sign for -June. Cancer is an old sign and something that ought to be -cut out. - - * * * * * - -SIDELIGHTS ON SCIENCE - -If all the oceans should evaporate they would leave a -deposit of 235 feet of salt. This, it is estimated, would -salt enough pretzels to supply the world for several years. - - * * * * * - -It is claimed that if the power concealed in the sting of a -hornet could be harnessed and utilized in commercial -channels, it would lower the cost of transportation by a -good many per cent. - - * * * * * - -An interesting experiment for little boys is to go into the -dimly lit parlor where the big sister and her young man are -sitting. Do not shuffle the feet or make any noise, and you -will see a spark. - - * * * * * - -A hen will lay 200 eggs a year. A mosquito will lay -200,000,000 in one short summer. Are you gladder that hens -are not mosquitoes, or that mosquitoes are not as big as -hens? - -[Sidenote: _Hotel Hint_: No first class inn will permit -guests to indulge in such undignified gymnastics as running -through the corridors, or jumping board bills.] - -[Sidenote: _Seasonable Advice_: Look out for the open work -lawn hose and accompanying shower baths.] - - - - -[Illustration] - -SUNDAY (1906) Czar gives three minutes of his time - in a talk to put the Douma down and out. - - Douma gives all its time to blow Czar up - and out. - -MONDAY - -TUESDAY - -WEDNESDAY - -THURSDAY May 7--Cannon's boom set off by speech from - Uncle Joe--Presidential Bee taking terrible - risk at Cannon's mouth. - -FRIDAY If two wrongs do not make a right--how many - franchises make a wrong? - -SATURDAY - - -JUNE - -The man who is down is looking for the other fellow who -kicked out some rungs from the ladder of success. - - - - -LITTLE STUDIES IN NATURAL HISTORY - - -_The Secretary-bird, or Loebriole._ - -This little creature belongs to the "Knowitall" class and -has no fear, often perching on the "Big Stick" itself. His -distinguishing characteristic is a thick oak board where -most birds wear tail-feathers. He only sings when there is a -storm coming, and then his song has a plaintive note as he -warbles "Ki-yi, blame it on me." - - * * * * * - -_How to Make Credit Grow._ - -Select a choice "bluff." Prepare this carefully, for the -size of the credit depends entirely upon the general -appearance of the bluff. When you think the bluff is strong -enough, take it to a bank. If it goes there, you will have -no further trouble. Your credit is now ready to transplant. -Should it begin to droop, give it a check. Be careful not to -use too many, for the proper use of the credit-plant is to -enable its owner to live without money. - -[Illustration] - -[Sidenote: _Fashion Note_: It is no longer good form to -serenade young ladies. If you wish to win their favor, toot -an automobile horn.] - -[Sidenote: _Health Hint_: For "Seeing things" at night try a -Welsh Rarebit.] - - - - -[Illustration] - -SUNDAY (1905) Russo-Jap peace treaty at Portsmouth, - N. H.--Japanese description of - Portsmouth, "A mos' honorable plaze - where they dispenz mos' dizhonorable - liquor!" - -MONDAY - -TUESDAY (2000 B.C.) Proverbs invented by Solomon, who - gazed upon his wives and exclaimed, - "Variety is the spice of life!" - - P.S.--Adam couldn't say this because he - was handicapped. - -WEDNESDAY - -THURSDAY (1258) "Mad Parliament" meets. - - (1906) Congress "mad," still in session. - -FRIDAY - -SATURDAY If a man tells you that he "had darned hard - work getting out of bed this morning," the - chances are that the bed was a folding one. - -JUNE - -Woman's love is chaotic; man's idiotic. - - - - -DECKLE-EDGE FRECKLES - - -Summer begins June 20. By this time your freckles ought to -have a good start. - - * * * * * - -Do you know what a freckle is, children? It is a -golden-brown splash on the northwest corner of a young -woman's nose, although her dearest friend says it is a -fright. - - * * * * * - -A freckle is the same to a druggist as a pipe line is to -Rockefeller--ready money and a lot of it. - - * * * * * - -One large deckle-edge freckle will cause a girl to buy nine -kinds of cold cream, a dozen lemons, a pint of three-ply -acid, and a gross of poudre-de-phiz every Saturday -afternoon. - - * * * * * - -All this gives vigor to the freckle. - -[Sidenote: _Incendiary Warning_: To save money from -fire,--don't burn it.] - -[Sidenote: _Etiquette Query_: Is the game worth the -scandal?] - - - - -[Illustration] - -SUNDAY - -MONDAY About a year ago the Ground 'og cast a shadow - in Packingtown. - - What's the answer? - -TUESDAY - -WEDNESDAY (1904) It was reported that Cassie Chadwick - and 'Lijah Dowie had formed a Confidence - Trust, whereupon Madam Bartrand prayed - the Interstate Commerce Commission to - issue an injunction against them under - the plea of restraint of trade. The - injunction was issued, and withdrawn - later when the Supreme Court decided - that confidence was too universal to be - made the basis of a monopoly. - -THURSDAY - -FRIDAY - -SATURDAY - -JUNE - -The poet associates his larks with high heaven; the realist -associates his larks with high-balls. - - - - -RAISING CORN - - -Great care should be exercised in raising corn, especially -the variety _Johnus Barley-cornicus_. This may be raised -with either hand. Some superstitious agriculturists believe -in the efficacy of a simple incantation to be used in the -act of raising this variety, such as "Here's how!" "Over the -hot sands!" etc. - -[Illustration] - -This kind has never been known to fail in getting to a head. -"Kernels" of Barleycorn originated in Kentucky. - -[Sidenote: _Pest Note_: If troubled with Junebugs try -sweeping the cobwebs out of the attic; if troubled with -aunts close up the house and go to the country.] - - - - -[Illustration] - -SUNDAY - -MONDAY (390 B.C.) Rome saved by the cackling of geese. - - (1905) Reputations ruined by the cackling of - Alexander and Hyde. - -TUESDAY - - - -WEDNESDAY (1906) T. Roosevelt decided to write no more - magazine articles, except for the - Congressional Record. - -THURSDAY - -FRIDAY (1876) Alexander Graham Bell invented the - telephone. - - (1877) American Humorists invented the - telephone girl. - -SATURDAY - -JUNE - -Many a woman prefers a love of a hat to the love of a -husband. - - - - -HOW TO PLANT A BEER GARDEN - - -Now is the time for the ruddy faced beer gardener to lay out -his beer garden. First procure a license and a few nice -rustic chairs and tables. Next extract the seeds from a -couple of seedy old suits and get your wife to sew them. -Your barber will gladly supply you with cuttings, or, if you -have the chance, unscrew a dozen or so bulbs from some -healthy young electric light plant. - - * * * * * - -With ordinary summer weather you should soon have a blooming -fine lot of Anheuser bushes. As soon as the "buds" begin to -pop, pack the roots with ice. Care should be taken to keep -the plants from drying out. - - * * * * * - -Bottle flies, while annoying, do no real injury to the -plant, and a judicious use of fly-paper will hold them in -check. - - * * * * * - -In weeding, the beer gardener should be careful to -distinguish between true widow's weeds and grass widow's -weeds. The latter not only add color and beauty to the -garden, but also give life to the plant. - - * * * * * - -Beer was never worn so much or used so extensively for -interior decoration as it is today. There is a ready market -for it at five cents a small bunch, and with intelligent -grafting the bearing of the plant can be increased tenfold. - -[Sidenote: _THERMOMETER ECONOMY_: This is the best time to -buy thermometers. They cost no more than during the winter -months and contain more than twice as much mercury.] - - - - -[Illustration: Doth see me freckles. Look pleasant please.] - -SUNDAY - -MONDAY (858 B.C.) Sardanapulus dies on a bier 400 feet - high. Great envy among the thirsty. - -TUESDAY - -WEDNESDAY - -THURSDAY July 4th is a great day for those who love to - tell us that "all men are created free and - equal;" it is also a great day for other Fourth - of Juliars. - -FRIDAY - -SATURDAY (1839) John D. Rockefeller born. - "First in the wells, first in the pipes, - first in the lamps of his countrymen." - -JULY - -Never look a gift mule in the hind leg. - - - - -HELPFUL HINT FOR JULY - - -The best authorities agree that it is inadvisable to attach -a pack of lighted firecrackers to the tail of the household -cat--without first making sure that the insurance policy on -the house has been placed in a cold storage vault. A cat -loves its favorite corner when it is mentally disquieted. - - -_ADVERTISEMENTS_ - -ARTISTS' MATERIALS, PAINTS, BRUSHES, ETC. - -[Illustration] - -_I GILD MY OWN BRICKS_ - -LITTLE GEM BRICK -GILDING OUTFIT - -IS A BOON TO FARMERS - -Buy the Outfit and be your -own Confidence Man, thus -enjoying all the pleasures -of being buncoed without -leaving The Old Home - -[Sidenote: _Carving Note_: A chicken neck served to a guest -is "the most unkindest cut of all."] - - - - -[Illustration: Our last quarter.] - -SUNDAY (1906) Lucrezia Borgia rose to assert that she - never used embalmed beef at her banquets. -MONDAY - -TUESDAY (1586 B.C.) Nebuchadnezzar saw the handwriting - on the wall. - - (1906) John D. Rockefeller sailed for Europe. -WEDNESDAY - -THURSDAY (1905) New song published by Cassie Chadwick, - "I've worked every one but father." -FRIDAY - -SATURDAY Boy, gun, - Joy, fun. - Gun bust. - Boy dust. - -JULY - -Friendship is between men a convenience; between women, a -commodity. - - - - -HINTS ON DRESS - - -Parasols should be carried on Sun-day. - - * * * * * - -Persons attending services in poorly heated churches are -justified in making a cloak of their religion. - - * * * * * - -Eton jackets may be worn at the dinner table. - - * * * * * - -Silks with watered effects are popular with milkmen's wives. - - * * * * * - -The smart set is devoting a good deal of attention of late -to the costuming of house dogs. Embroidered blankets during -the winter and short pants during the hot summer weather are -quite popular. - - * * * * * - -Shrinkable dress-patterns should always be sponged before -they are made up, but the custom of putting an overcoat in -"soak" after it has been worn awhile is still followed by -gentlemen who are financially embarrassed. - -[Sidenote: _Advice to Wives_: It is better to let your -husband bring a friend home to dinner than it is to have a -friend bring him home after dinner.] - - - - -[Illustration] - -SUNDAY - -MONDAY (1896) A bas Dreyfus! - - (1906) Vive le Dreyfus! - -TUESDAY (1840) First Cunarder arrives in Boston. - P.S.--Do not confound with canard, which - arrived with Boston to remain always. - -WEDNESDAY - -THURSDAY HONOR TO WHOM, ETC. - - We're all of us selfishly slow to confess - How much others aid us in winning success; - But the Fourth of July and the Oyster must see - How stupid, without any Crackers, they'd be. - -FRIDAY - -SATURDAY - -JULY - -Many a Glad Hand turns out to be The Hook. - - - - -SIGNS OF THE ZODIAC - - -(Recent Interpretations) - -AQUARIUS, the waterman, indicating what many a man becomes -on the first of January. - - * * * * * - -PISCES, the fishes, indicating that by February he begins to -be just as thirsty. - - * * * * * - -ARIES, the ram, indicating that in March he begins to -meditate on the virtues of bock beer. - - * * * * * - -TAURUS, the bull, indicating that by April his disposition -is surly and it's a toss-up whether he really remains a -waterman. - - * * * * * - -GEMINI, the twins, indicating the result of the toss-up and -how he feels toward his fellowman in May. - - * * * * * - -CANCER, the crab, indicating the backward interest with -which he listens to his wife's plans for the summer. - -(_Continued on next left-hand page._) - -[Sidenote: _Health Hint_: For a turned ankle--a nicely -turned feminine ankle--a low shoe, a short skirt, and a -drop-stitch stocking are recommended.] - - - - -[Illustration] - -SUNDAY - -MONDAY (1851) Vigilance Committee organized in San - Francisco. - - (1906) Order of Muck-rakers established in - Washington. - -TUESDAY - -WEDNESDAY (1525 B.C.) Pharaoh's daughter finds Moses in - the Bull-rushes. - - (1906 A.D.) Roosevelt finds a "joker" in the - meat bill. - -THURSDAY INFINITUDE! - - Man looks at the stars and with wonder unspeakable - He thinks on their source which he knows is unseekable: - He asks who designed all the planets so beautiful, - But no one has ever unscrewed the unscrutable. - -FRIDAY - -SATURDAY - -JULY - -An earthquake is not what it is cracked up to be. - - - - -SIGNS OF THE ZODIAC - -(_Continued_) - - -LEO, the Lion, indicating the state of mind with which in -July he agrees with them. - - * * * * * - -VIRGO, the Virgin, indicating that in August he usually -hears of his daughter's engagement. - - * * * * * - -LIBRA, the scales, indicating that in September various -interested persons weight his family's summer enjoyments and -send him the bills. - - * * * * * - -SCORPIO, the scorpion, indicating the state of mind with -which he pays them in October. - - * * * * * - -SAGITTARIUS, the archer, indicating some fine shooting on -the part of his conscience toward the end of November. - - * * * * * - -CAPRICORNUS, the goat, indicating what he feels like as he -decides that next year shall be different. - -[Sidenote: _A Milk Pointer_: Milkmen, too, have their -troubles. If they do not water their cows, or if they do -water their milk, somebody has the law on them. - -[Illustration] -] - - - - -[Illustration: Those stars hold the stage. Take yer hat -off.] - -SUNDAY - -MONDAY (1852) Crystal palace opened at New York. - - Next week--New York people discover they cannot - live in glass houses. - -TUESDAY - -WEDNESDAY (1841) London Punch first issued. - - Same week--Great Gloom settles over London. - -THURSDAY - -FRIDAY (1906) Secretary Taft visits Greenville, S. C., - and opens campaign. - - Same date--Democrats of "Solid South" gaze at - Taft in dismay and exclaim, "We are lost, we - had no idea the Republican party was so large!" - -SATURDAY - -JULY - -Matches are made in heaven--they don't need 'em in the other -place. - - - - -REPORT TO THE SECRETARY OF WAR -_on the Russo-Japanese War by Gen. Buzfuz, U. S. A._ - - -The war was contrary to all rules of warfare adopted by -civilized nations because: - - 1. It was not started by a newspaper. - - 2. The scene of operations was not laid near a fashionable -resort. - - 3. Photographers and correspondents were not allowed to -inspect the officers' wardrobes. - - 4. There was no San Juan Hill. - - 5. The officers gave no afternoon teas, dinners, or balls. - - 6. The officers looked after their commands instead of -writing magazine articles. - - 7. The soldiers were fed real food. - - 8. Thousands upon thousands of soldiers were killed. - - 9. The ships sunk in the naval battle were sunk in deep -water. - -10. No great scandal arose from the purchase of food, -clothing, or ammunition. - -11. No newspaper or magazine controversy has been started -over who won the battles. - -[Sidenote: _Political Note_: Politicians are bought, not -made.] - -[Sidenote: _Health Hint_: Persons too serious to take a joke -should take a vacation.] - - - - -[Illustration: Don't see the freckles. Look pleasant -please.] - -SUNDAY - -MONDAY (1886) Dumb piano invented by Virgil. - Rejoicing in Harlem. - -TUESDAY - -WEDNESDAY - -THURSDAY (1547) Silk stockings first worn by Henry II - of France. Rainy days become popular. - -FRIDAY The woman who wears a short bathing skirt is - not necessarily immodest. She may be the wife - of a popular magazine editor and cultivate - exposure because she has caught the habit. - --Supton Eclair. - -AUGUST - -No successful business man ever spends his own money. - - - - -USEFUL FARM HINTS - - -Take good care of the farm tools. A crow-bar, if carefully -housed when not in use, may, at a hundred years of age be -just as pry as ever. - - * * * * * - - The man who sells six onions for a nickel cannot thrive, - For all can see that no one ought to give six scents - for five. - - * * * * * - -In delivering a chair to the repairman to bottom he should -be made to give a re-seat for it. - - * * * * * - -Feed the pigs well. A pig resembles a tree in one respect. -It is by his root that he survives. - - * * * * * - -Farmers should encourage song birds to nest about the -premises, but the lay of the hen must still bring them the -most substantial delight. - - * * * * * - -It is when the farmer sees his fine crop maturing that he -feels like singing, "In this wheat by and by." - - * * * * * - -In working about a mule that kicks, it should be remembered -that his head-quarters are not his real business end. - -[Sidenote: _Advice on Care of Your Rubber Plant_: A Turkish -Bath Factory needs constant attention to make it pay.] - - - - -[Illustration] - -SUNDAY - -MONDAY (1906) Boston Convention of Flies pass vote of - thanks to John B. Moran for removing - screens from hotel windows. - -TUESDAY - -WEDNESDAY "The greatest blessing of all is that I am no - longer kept awake nights by persons who are - making modern improvements." - --Robinson Crusoe. - -THURSDAY - -FRIDAY (1066) William prepares to invade England with - 696 ships and 60,000 men. - - (1906) Alice prepares to invade England with - 696 trunks and 1 man. - -SATURDAY - -AUGUST - -A woman wears a veil for the same reason that distance lends -enchantment. - - - - -HELPFUL HINTS FOR AUGUST - - -A cabbage leaf in the hat is an excellent means of keeping -the head cool. The experiment is more successful if on top -of the cabbage leaf you will place about two handfuls of -chipped ice, renewing it as fast as it melts, and you might -try sipping something from a high glass decorated with mint -leaves--sipping it through a straw is favored by many -eminent practitioners at the bar. - - * * * * * - -A BREAD AND MILK COW - - The farmer with a Jersey cow - Can live as fine as silk - For he has got, you must allow, - His thorough-bred and milk. - -[Illustration] - -[Sidenote: _A Hint on Luck_: A Lucky-piece is a good mascot; -a piece of luck is the real thing.] - -[Sidenote: _Fashion Hint_: With peek-a-boo waist and short -sleeves, a woman must wear her heart in her hand-bag.] - - - - -[Illustration: Push those clouds away. He's not the only one -with a first quarter. Aw you know me.] - -SUNDAY - -MONDAY (449) "Robbers' Synod" held at Ephesus. - - (1908) Extra session of Congress held at - Washington. - -TUESDAY - -WEDNESDAY Do not take this day off. It is a "dog day" - and he may want it. - -THURSDAY - -FRIDAY (697) The Venetians elect their first doge. - - (1906) The beef packers try their last dodge. - -SATURDAY - -AUGUST - -A girl in a hammock is worth two in a corps de ballet. - - - - -APPROPRIATE SALUTATIONS - - -_To the fireman_: Go to blazes! - - * * * * * - -_To the butcher_: May you never make a miss-steak in your -endeavor to make both ends meat! - - * * * * * - -_To the baker_: May you always have the dough, not too much -crust, and the means to loaf whenever you wish to! - - * * * * * - -_To the spinster_: May you ever be the matchless but not the -mateless woman you are now! - - * * * * * - -_To the young physician_: May you wait, like Patience on a -monument, till finally you shall have lots of monuments on -your patients! - - * * * * * - -_To the seamstress_: May life always seam sew-sew in your -hemmysphere! - - * * * * * - -_To the dentist_: May you always enjoy a pull and be able to -fill many an aching void and long-felt want! - - * * * * * - -_To the poet_: May you have many more verses than reverses. - -[Sidenote: _Health Hint_: Many are cold, but few are frozen. - -[Illustration] -] - - - - -[Illustration] - -SUNDAY A GREAT JAG - - A man may think he's a terror to drink - When he really is nothing to brag on, - For it's true, we infer, that a big chestnut burr - Gets the awfullest, all-around jag on. - -MONDAY - -TUESDAY - -WEDNESDAY (6,99,950 B.C.) Eve appears in a peek-a-boo - waist. - -THURSDAY - -FRIDAY (1509) Henry VIII began to get married. - -SATURDAY - -AUGUST - -A man admires a woman for what he thinks she is; a woman -admires a man for what she thinks he has. - - - - -HELPFUL HINT FOR SEPTEMBER - - -Excuse us, but we will not suggest any method for removing a -coat of tan. We are assured on the best authority that Alice -blue, radium gray, and fluorescent green will be the popular -shades this summer. However, if yours is a tan coat, -unbutton it and pull your arms out first; it will then come -off easily enough. - - * * * * * - -IS THE SUN INHABITED? - -An astronomer from Indiana claims to have discovered that -the Sun is inhabited. - - * * * * * - -The Public will probably hoot at this just as it hooted at -Columbus when he said the Earth was round. - - * * * * * - -The Public also hooted at wireless telegraphy in its early -stages. - - * * * * * - -The Public is now hooting at the idea of airships ever -becoming common carriers. - - * * * * * - -The Sun may be inhabited, who knows? - - * * * * * - -This astronomer from Indiana may not be as buggy as he -really appears at first blush. - - * * * * * - -The Sun is hot, 'tis true, but Hell is also hot. - - * * * * * - -And Hell is inhabited. - -[Sidenote: _Financial Note_: When in doubt, do the first one -you come across.] - -[Sidenote: _Marine Note_: High rollers don't always come in -from the sea.] - - - - -[Illustration: Those stars hold the stage. Take yer hat -off.] - -SUNDAY IT HEADS THE LIST - - In a book showing all - Of the gowns great and small - Wives have worn since this old world begun, - That first dress of Eve's, - Which she fashioned of leaves, - Should be, properly, labeled "Fig. 1." - -MONDAY - -TUESDAY - -WEDNESDAY - -THURSDAY (1848) Patent issued for converting fine - coal into solid lumps. - - (1906) Patent sought for converting fine - poetry into filthy lucre. - -FRIDAY - -SATURDAY - -SEPTEMBER - -It's a long lane that hides no lovers. - - - - -SIMPLE HOUSEHOLD RECIPES FOR VEGETARIANS - - -HAY A-LA-MODE - -Take a pound of best timothy and soak it over night in fresh -brine. Peel carefully and place it in a vegetable ivory -saucepan. Add the yolk of an egg-plant and stir dreamily -over an electric-fan till it disappears. Serve it right. - - * * * * * - -NUT CUTLET - -Procure two dozen new nuts from any hardware shop. Grind -them into a paste of about the consistency of the average -politician. Over this pour a little Standard Oil from which -the dividends have been removed, and stir briskly with a -subpoena till the oil begins to run; pour off, strain, and -beat the paste with an axe until it looks and tastes like a -veal cutlet. - - * * * * * - -IMITATION POTTED HARE - -Take a false hare and pot it. This will be potted imitation -hare, to be used for decorative purposes only. - - * * * * * - -STEWED RUBBER PLANT - -Cut the plant into rubber bands, add a pinch of rubber -cement and beat the whole mixture to beat the band until it -will stretch without breaking. This rule is elastic. - -[Sidenote: _Ticker Note_: Bull movements are carefully -watched in Mexico and Spain.] - -[Sidenote: _Fashion Note_: Many a hose is worn to be seen.] - - - - -[Illustration: It's always harvest time for me.] - -SUNDAY (1,10,000 B.C.) Aphrodite born from the "foam - of the sea." - - (1 A.D.) "Katzenjammer" born from the foam of - too many "schooners." -MONDAY - -TUESDAY General opening of Public Schools. - General opening of Oysters. - -WEDNESDAY (1777) Brandywine proves a bad mixture for the - colonial troops. - -THURSDAY - -FRIDAY (Sept. 15, 1693) Public lotteries established - in England. Marriage encouraged. - -SATURDAY - -SEPTEMBER - -That love is blind accounts for so many miscues. - - - - -HEALTH HINTS - - -To cure seasickness: Turn the entire system inside out and -hang it over the rail of the ship where the salt spray can -drench it. Under this treatment the patient is pretty sure -to feel somewhat relieved within a few days after the time -of going ashore. - - * * * * * - -Persons troubled with poor circulation should ascertain how -to increase the same by consulting the editor of their -favorite Sunday newspaper. - - * * * * * - -Weak respiration may be improved by a diet of onions. They -are highly recommended for strengthening the breath. - - * * * * * - -For insomnia try snoring, which is always a symptom of SOUND -sleep. - - * * * * * - -To prevent hay fever: Go not in the way of the kittenish -grass widow. - - * * * * * - -Care should be taken to prevent the occupants of the -penitentiary from getting the measles. It would make trouble -should they all break out at once. - -[Sidenote: _Financial Note_: For "dust" in the house, ask -hubby.] - -[Sidenote: _Art Note_: An artists' model is not necessarily -a model of good behavior. - -[Illustration] -] - - - - -[Illustration] - -SUNDAY - -MONDAY (862 B.C.) Jonah took the first trip in a - submarine. - -TUESDAY (753 B.C.) Romulus and Remus open a milk route. - -WEDNESDAY - -THURSDAY - -FRIDAY (1709) Pianoforte invented by Bartolommeo - Cristofori. His assassination soon - follows. - -SATURDAY - - -SEPTEMBER - -It is better to laugh at a joke you don't understand than to -weep over the efforts of your friend to explain it. - - - - -LITTLE STUDIES IN NATURAL HISTORY - - -_How to Trim Rich Relations._ - -This is a very dangerous and delicate operation as the -subjects can only be approached when they are asleep. - -Provide yourself with a black-jack, a bottle of chloroform -and a sponge. About three in the morning enter the room -where the Richest Relation is sleeping. Going noiselessly to -the bed, hold the sponge saturated with chloroform above the -Richest Relation's nose. As his sleep becomes more profound, -lower the sponge, and finally, with a quick motion, jam it -in his mouth. Then strike his head with the black-jack, -using all your strength. Rich Relations are suspicious and -you cannot be too careful in business matters. This done, -cut out the gold, silver, or bills, from his pockets, and -any jewels or trinkets that you may find. - -Note: In most cases it will not be necessary to kill the -subject before you can do the trimming. - - -[Sidenote: _Health Hint_: While sleeping it is best to lie -on the right side; also while awake.] - - - - -[Illustration: It's always harvest time for me. The trusts.] - -SUNDAY (1629) First theater in America established in - Boston. Patti opened theater with first - farewell performance. - -MONDAY - -TUESDAY "The bathing dresses are very pretty, but I'm - sure I can't imagine where they buy such long - stockings." - --Aunt Mary's letter from the seashore. - -WEDNESDAY - -THURSDAY - -FRIDAY (1593) Anthony Comstock would have indicted - Shakespeare for writing Venus and Adonis. - -SATURDAY - -SEPTEMBER - -Those who live in glass houses should conduct themselves -accordingly. - - - - -RARE RECIPES - - -_TO MAKE A LIVING_: To one old woman with money add -"soft-soap" to her taste. Sweeten with gush. Mix with a -wedding ceremony and shake quickly when you have her money. - -[Illustration] - -_TO MAKE ANGEL-FOOD_: Take a "peach" with red lips. Add a -shadynook. Sweeten with kisses. Serve in the moonlight. - - * * * * * - -_TO PRESERVE MONEY_: Take a roll of "yellow-backs" from -whoever has one. Mix with all the money you can borrow. Put -in a strong-box and let it stand till the police have -forgotten you. Repeat the process and cover with a prominent -part in church affairs. - -[Sidenote: _Entomological Note_: In Washington the Katy-dids -now say Teddy did, Teddy didn't.] - -[Sidenote: _Home Hint_: Servant girls should be picked early -this month. If picked green they often last the whole -winter. It is inadvisable to pick them too fresh.] - - - - -[Illustration] - -SUNDAY (1296) Society of "Merchant Adventurers" - established by John, of Biabaut. - - (1901) Steal Trust organized by Morgan, of - New York. - - -MONDAY - -TUESDAY "One may write for the Ladies' Home Journal - without having to read it." - --Kudyard Ripling. - -WEDNESDAY - -THURSDAY (15,001 B.C.) Venus explains platonic - friendship to Adonis. - -FRIDAY - -SATURDAY (575 B.C.) Horatius beat Lars Porsena at a - game of bridge. - - -OCTOBER - -There's many a cup 'twixt the office and the ferry slip. - - - - -YOU NEVER CAN TELL - - - Sons of great men oft remind us - That no matter what our fame, - Offspring that we leave behind us - May be lobsters, just the same. - -[Illustration: Stage Entrance.] - - -[Sidenote: _Economical Hint_: A good imitation of soapsuds -may be made by shaking a bottle of champagne and then -opening the bottle.] - - - - -[Illustration: Push those clouds away. He's not the only one -with a first quarter. Aw you know me.] - -SUNDAY (1781) Battle of Eutaw. - - (1906) W. C. T. U. tries to throw Smoot out of - the Senate. - -MONDAY - -TUESDAY - -WEDNESDAY (673) Theodre, of England, calls first Council - of Bishops. - - (1906) Theodore, of Washington, calls Council - of Muck-rakers. - -THURSDAY - -FRIDAY FIRST CANOE--Doesn't it make you tired to be - taken out by one of those fresh young men who - doesn't know how to paddle? - - SECOND CANOE--Yes, it often quite upsets me. - -SATURDAY - -OCTOBER - -There is some good in every heart, some rubber in every -neck. - - - - -HELPFUL HINT FOR OCTOBER - - -If you have carelessly left your ermine muff and neck-piece -where the moths have attacked it during the summer, an easy -and simple way to remedy the damage will be--but wait! Maybe -you haven't any ermine muff and neck-piece. Far be it from -us to touch a tender spot. - - * * * * * - -She--(very décolleté). How far do you think a girl ought to -go toward revealing the secrets of her heart? - -He--(sizing her up). Well, I should say you'd gone about the -limit. - -[Sidenote: _Footwear Advice_: Two empty bananas make a very -good pair of slippers.] - -[Sidenote: _Health Hint_: There is no sure cure for -laziness, but a second wife may relieve it.] - - - - -[Illustration: Now what's to become of the Milky Way.] - -SUNDAY There was a young man from St. Louis - Who'd eat nothing else but chop souis, - A habit he learned - When his medals he earned - In the fight at Manila with Douis! - -MONDAY - -TUESDAY (1196) Diet at Wurzburg--beer and pretzels. - -WEDNESDAY - -THURSDAY "Half a suit of pajamas is better than no - nightie." --Hindoo Proverb. - -FRIDAY - -SATURDAY - -OCTOBER - -The easiest way to put a baby to sleep is the rockiest way. - - - - -TO THE GODDESS ON THE DOLLAR - - - Fair maid, how I have longed for thee, - That classic face of thine - I feared would never look on me, - Much less be wholly mine! - And now that thou art mine indeed-- - In fact my last resource-- - There comes, alas, through direful need, - The time for our divorce! - -[Illustration] - -[Sidenote: _Health Hint_: A good way to air your room is to -turn it wrong side out and hang it out the window.] - - - - -[Illustration: Doth see me freckles. Look pleasant please.] - -SUNDAY A BUSINESS POINTER - - "When I can read my title clear - To mansions in the skies," - I will not care for riches here, - And cease to advertise. - -MONDAY - -TUESDAY - -WEDNESDAY (1753) Popularity of "the" Pompadour at height. - - (1906) Marcel wave in the ascendant. - -THURSDAY - -FRIDAY (1558) Salters' company founded in London. - - (1875) Hetty Green elected a 33d degree member. - -SATURDAY - -OCTOBER - -The eye is the window of the soul. - -The mouth is the subway of the face. - - - - -RECIPE FOR MAKING PUMPKIN PIE - - -THE KIND THAT MOTHER DIDN'T USED TO MAKE - -(Copyrighted) - -First get your pumpkin. Then kill it and skin it. Cut -pumpkin into small hunks with an axe. Boil the hunks. Boil -them some more. Continue to boil hunks until they become a -mucky gob. Unless you produce a mucky gob, the pie will be -lumpy. Add fresh picked eggs to common cow's milk. Beat the -eggs. They may be hard to beat, but beat them. Use a carpet -beater if necessary. Now pinch the salt and add the pinch. -Add a dash of cinnamon, add a few nutmegs (whole); these -will give the pie that rich, nutty flavor so much desired. -Add three-fourths cup of molasses. Do not add mustard--this -is not a mustard plaster, it is a pie. Now add this mixture -to the mucky gob. Stir until thoroughly mixed. Let stand -while you give your pie-pans a coat of crust. Then pour -mixture into pie-pans until they slop over. Place in a hot -oven. When you can't stick a fork into the pies, they are -done. Remove pies from oven and place on the back piazza to -cool. If the dog likes them, they're all right. - -[Sidenote: _Etiquette Hint_: To remove a "sticking plaster," -try yawning. - -[Illustration] -] - - - - -[Illustration] - -SUNDAY SUCH A JAIS! - - There was a young man from Calais - Who saw a soubrette at a plais. - Her beauty all fled - When her make-up was shed, - And his idol proved nothing but clais! - -MONDAY - -TUESDAY - -WEDNESDAY (60 B.C.) Cleopatra invents peek-a-boo waists. - - (60 B.C.) Antony becomes first easy Marc. - - (1906) Peek-a-boo waist is the pneumonia waist - in September. - -THURSDAY - -FRIDAY - -SATURDAY - -OCTOBER - -The baby's favorite, often heard at night--a high-bawl in -A flat. - - - - -HELPFUL HINT FOR NOVEMBER - - -Do not put brandy in your mince pies. It spoils it--the -brandy, we mean. - -We cannot speak too strongly against the pernicious habit of -doctoring mince meat with brandy. It lures men on. The first -baleful bite rouses the appetite, and soon they will be -eating mince pie after mince pie all day, and eventually be -laid up with indigestion. And even the aggressive clove -curls up and faints when ordered to disguise a mince pie -breath. - - * * * * * - -HOW TO GET RID OF THE GYPSY MOTH - -First, climb the tree where he resides and carefully put him -in your hip pocket; then fall heavily to the ground, landing -on your back in such a manner as to disfigure the moth -permanently. - -If he survives, circulate stories derogatory to gypsies -generally and he will leave of his own accord. - -[Sidenote: _Horticultural Note_: This is a good month to get -a slip from an ice plant. Walk through it without rubbers. - -[Illustration] -] - - - - -[Illustration: Those stars hold the stage. Take yer hat -off.] - -SUNDAY EVOLUTION - - "I'm not a beauty, I'll allow," - Said the poor mule, lank and old, - "But I'm less of a jackass, anyhow, - Than my father was, I'm told." - -MONDAY - -TUESDAY - -WEDNESDAY (1904) Prohibitionists nominated Swallow for - President. He went down easily. - -THURSDAY - -FRIDAY (1905) Roosevelt discovered that he was - nominated June "23." - - (1906) Roosevelt decides not to run for third - term. - -SATURDAY - -NOVEMBER - -Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned and, according to all -accounts, it also has many other discomforts of home. - - - - -FAMILY TREES - - - Men are luckless farmers, - Their Family Trees will show, - For many who grafted Peaches - Are ruined by their Blow. - - -CANNED ADVERTISEMENTS HEAD -GOODS WEAR - -_BRAINS MADE TO ORDER!_ - -Do your brains fit you? Are they of an -inferior quality? Do they make you a -living? - -... USE ... -OLD DR. WISE'S BRAINS! - -We have reached the highest perfection -point in the manufacture of brains and can -supply you with canned brains at reasonable -prices. Put up only in pints and quarts. -Prices on application. - -BRAINS ON TRIAL! - -Send us your name and we will ship you -direct a complete set of our brains on trial. -Use them 30 days and if, at the end of that -period, you find them not all we claim, -return them to us at our expense. - -SECOND-HAND BRAINS TAKEN IN -EXCHANGE! - -THE WISE GRAY -MATTER CO. - -Boston, Mass. - -[Sidenote: _Golf Rule_: If you strike your partner, while -driving, the stroke counts against him.] - -[Sidenote: _Health Note_: To cure palpitation of the heart, -it is best to ask her at once and have it over with.] - - - - -[Illustration: Push those clouds away. He's not the only one -with a first quarter. Aw you know me.] - -SUNDAY GENEALOGICAL NOTE - - Any low-browed, brindle rooster - Can kerdoodle if he choose ter - And strut about and cackle, "Tra la la!" - But an incubator chicken - Hatched by steam's a mighty slick un' - If it's wise enough to recognize its ma. - -MONDAY - -TUESDAY - -WEDNESDAY - -THURSDAY (1640) Torture abolished in England. - - (1906) Corsets still worn. - -FRIDAY Law now off on certain fish. Get the hook. - -SATURDAY - -NOVEMBER - -Home is where you are not allowed to sit on the sofa -pillows. - - - - -FORECAST FOR NOVEMBER - - -The period between the 1st and the 9th will be marked by -cold in the head and feet. To relieve cold feet bathe them -in hot water before retiring; if they're your wife's, do the -same. Another way to relieve cold feet is to get out of the -game. From the 9th to the 16th there will be hard sledding -for the poor and automobiling for the rich. Along the latter -part of the month there will be a wave of hot mince pie, -turkey, cranberry sauce, and other good things, followed by -headache in the northern portion and stomach-ache in the -southern portion. - - * * * * * - -Sagittarius (the Archer) is the sign in the Zodiac for -November. It is "Sag's" business to shoot any good weather -that shows itself above the skyline. Sometimes when "Sag" is -not looking the summer Indian sneaks through the picket -line. - -[Sidenote: _Poultry Hint_: Time spent in trying to reform a -bad egg is time wasted.] - -[Sidenote: _Health Hint_: Persons troubled with rheumatics -should avoid attic rooms, but those who have the "shingles" -can sleep on the roof.] - - - - -[Illustration] - -SUNDAY METEORO-LOGICAL - -MONDAY "One swallow does not make a summer," - Still, 'tis clear to all - That swallows enough of the right sort of stuff - Are certain to make a fall. - -TUESDAY - -WEDNESDAY (1775) Washington's army, barefooted in the - snow at Valley Forge, swore that it - would, later on, whip the British - "out of their boots." - -THURSDAY - -FRIDAY (4004 B.C.) Popular songs invented by Adam, who - introduced "There's only one girl in the - world for me!" - -SATURDAY - -NOVEMBER - -Circumstances open cases. - - - - -HOW TO VIEW AN ECLIPSE - - -To properly view an eclipse to its full, a party of several -good spirits should get together. Whether an eclipse of the -sun or the moon, each should take a glass and smoke it. A -great deal depends on the quality and character of the -glass. Some glasses are much more certain to reveal an -eclipse than are others. - - * * * * * - -If the first glass when properly smoked does not show the -eclipse, try another and a stronger one. It is very probable -that this glass will show the sun or the moon in the throes -of an eclipse. Still another glass will show two suns or two -moons. The third glass is likely to show several moons and -several suns, fixed stars and those that need fixing, comets -and milky ways, sky-rockets and pin-wheels, all combining to -eclipse the finest display of Fourth of July fireworks ever -projected by the mind of man. - - * * * * * - -And when the beholder of this mighty spectacle wakes up -during the afternoon of the following day and sees but one -simple unadorned sun doing business in the whole expanse of -the broad, blue heavens, he has a feeling of pity for all -those who retired early the night before and missed the -social, spiritual, and educative uplift that comes from -viewing an eclipse under just the proper conditions. - -[Sidenote: _Health Hint_: Young ladies desiring more color -in their cheeks should try brushing the same with a two -days' growth of bristles on a masculine chin.] - - - - -[Illustration] - -SUNDAY WHO DARES? - -MONDAY Some men are brave, no doubt, in war, - But the iron-nerved rip-snorter - Is the fellow who rides in the sleeping-car - And refuses to tip the potter. - -TUESDAY - -WEDNESDAY (1890) Improved excelsior machines invented. - - Same date--Breakfast food introduced. - -THURSDAY - -FRIDAY (1828) Daniel O'Connell, elected to parliament, - refuses to take the oath. - - Same date--First and only time on record a - politician ever refused to take anything. - -SATURDAY - -NOVEMBER - -The man behind the man in front constitutes a pull, not a -push. - - - - -HELPFUL HINT FOR DECEMBER - - -Now, do not show your resentment toward those who forgot to -send you presents last Christmas. Send each of them a little -remembrance--but be sure to select something that will force -them to spend forty or fifty dollars to take care of it or -to surround it with the proper atmosphere. This is much -better than mailing a post card and letting it go at that. - -NEAR EYES ADVERTISEMENTS SPECTACLES -FAR EYES EXTRAVAGANZAS - -_EYES TESTED AT HOME_ - -[Illustration] - -It is a deplorable fact that human -vision is falling below the normal -standard day by day. A great many -people weaken their eyes by looking -for work, others in trying to see a -joke where there is no joke. - -Our patent home eye tester is -presented herewith. Why pay -good money to an oculist when you -can test your eyes yourself? - -DIRECTIONS FOR USING EYE-TESTER - - Hold black disc and parallel lines 18 - inches in front of your eyes. Close - your eyes and look at diagram intently. - If, then, any one line in the diagram - seems to you to be more alike than any - other line, or if any one line looks to - be more parallel than two lines, you - ought to wear spectacles. - -[Sidenote: _Health Hint_: Fatigued brain-workers desiring to -engage in some restful employment should try hair-dressing. -The barber does most of his head-work with his hands.] - -[Sidenote: _Household Hint_: Do not mistake the cat for a -sofa pillow; those who sit on the cat, thinking she is a -cushion, will rise again.] - - - - -[Illustration: Our last quarter.] - -SUNDAY A SACRED THOUGHT - - "Oh, had I the wings of a dove!" sang she - And I thought (and I guess it was pat) - If she gets them, on next Sunday morning - we'll see - The two of them pinned on her hat. - -MONDAY - -TUESDAY - -WEDNESDAY (1906) Terrible disaster throughout United - States--many magazines have hot-air - explosions, shattering scores of - reputations. - -THURSDAY - -FRIDAY (1897) Thousands invest in Keeley motor stock. - - (1898) Keeley motor discovered to be a fraud-- - first Keeley cure on record. - -SATURDAY - -DECEMBER - -All things come to him who goes after them. - - - - -FARMING IN ALASKA - - -It is encouraging to note that farming in our far Northwest -possessions is on the boom. [Note to printer--be careful not -to make "bum" out of "boom."] A bulletin issued by the -Agricultural Department of our government, just as we go to -press, shows that there are at present in Alaska 12 farms, -four oxen, 13 cows, 176 chickens, 10 pigs, several cases of -pneumonia and numerous games of "freeze-out." During the -fiscal year there was harvested in Alaska $165 worth of hay, -$95 worth of eggs and poultry, and a big crop of ice. There -are certain advantages of farming in Alaska. In harvest -time, for instance, a man never sweats at work. He markets -his milk frozen and sells it by the hunk. You never hear of -anybody crying over spilt milk in Alaska. It's the same way -with eggs--no cold storage needed; the eggs are frozen -before they are layed, thus retaining their fine, fresh -flavor until used. You never hear of an egg passing from the -sublime to the ridiculous stage in Alaska. - - * * * * * - -Farmers in Alaska plow with ice-picks and shoot the seed -into the soil with a double-barreled shotgun. The 12 farmers -in Alaska held a farmers' institute recently to talk over -prospects for the current year. Basing prospects on $165 -worth of hay raised last year, they figure that if -conditions are favorable they will raise $175 worth this -year. - -[Sidenote: _Culinary Note_: To pair potatoes, place them two -by two.] - -[Sidenote: _Health Note_: For water on the brain try an -umbrella.] - - - - -[Illustration] - -SUNDAY EVE BEGAN IT - - The eternal feminine has not changed much since - the days of Eve, who was the first of her sex - to complain that she hadn't a thing to wear. - -MONDAY - -TUESDAY - -WEDNESDAY (1798) George Washington invents the cocktail. - - (1906) George Washington acknowledged to be most - popular man in history of the country. - -THURSDAY - -FRIDAY (1905) Beef Trust declared illegal--whatever - that is. - - (1906) Beef Trust demonstrates that there is - no use "beefing about it." - -SATURDAY - -DECEMBER - -Most popular book in the world--the pocketbook. - - - - -THE PUBLISHER'S COZY CORNER CHAT - -ONE OF OUR AWFUL SMART BOYS - - -Little George Hathadash lives in Megawolloppey, Maine, and -is now three years old. - -This brave ruddy-cheeked boy immediately took the -Megawolloppey agency for the "Saturday Evening Roast," -feeling sure that his ruddy cheek would carry him through -successfully. Next Sunday, when everybody was gathered in -church, who should come toddling down the aisle but George -Hathadash distributing his first bundle of "Roasts," just as -he had seen the train boy sell candy on a train of cars. -"Better and brighter than any thermon," cried George -Hathadash in his childish treble. "Here's your 'Thaturday -Evening Roast,' the brother-in-law of the 'Ladies' Wall -Paper.' Better and brighter than any thermon." - -Of course that attracted attention, and almost before he -knew it George had disposed of his whole bundle and -established himself in business. He is now well on his way -to win the beautiful prize of a silver carving knife that -the "Roast" offers as an extra inducement to its hustling -young salesmen. - -There are other prizes and any boy with a good ruddy cheek -is likely to get one of them. - -But all boys are not like George Hathadash. We think _he_ is -going to be a President of the Common Council. - -[Sidenote: _Health Note_: A hot brick is a good thing for -the feet; a cold brick is a bad thing for the head. - -[Illustration]] - - - - -[Illustration] - -SUNDAY (44 B.C.) "Twenty-three for you," shouted - Brutus to Cæsar, and when they counted - the stab wounds they found Brutus had - enumerated correctly. - -MONDAY - -TUESDAY (1776) Washington arrives at Dorchester Heights - and finds 25,000 bushels of wheat. - "I am glad it isn't breakfast food," - said George. - -WEDNESDAY - -THURSDAY (192 B.C.) First mention of Baseball. Sparta - joins the Achean league--it was easy to - slide in Greece. - -FRIDAY LONGEST NIGHT OF THE YEAR - - The colicky baby's father, - As he croons his soothing song, - His thanks should give that he doesn't live - Where the nights are six months long. - -SATURDAY - -DECEMBER - -"Even those who can't read like to look at the -pictures."--Willie B. Hearsed - -(Politically)? - - - - -ADVICE TO PARENTS - - -It is now pretty generally believed that the name given to -one to bear with him night and day, during all his years, -has a most important influence in the work of shaping his -life and fortune. - - * * * * * - -No doubt a careful investigation of the subject would show -that most of the bare-pated men of the nation are so because -while they were still helpless little children they were -named Archibald, Theobald, Baldwin, and the like, whereas, -had they been named Harry, or Harold, or Aaron, they would -still be blest with well-thatched polls. - - * * * * * - -It is the bounden duty of parents to determine the business -or profession in which they intend their children shall -engage. If they wish their son to become a fancy -poultry-breeder they should name him Egbert or Henry; if -they wish him to become a surgeon they should call him -Lancelot; if an arithmetician, Adam; if a clown, Guy or -Joshua; if a street car driver, Oscar; if a real estate -dealer, Lot or Orlando; if a man of wealth, Richard; if a -debtor, Owen; and if they wish him to "go to grass," -Timothy. - - * * * * * - -The same degree of thoughtful care should be exercised in -naming girls, as well. If a girl is to become a musician she -should be called Octavia or Dora; if a milliner, Hattie; if -a writer, Adaline; if a cook, Dinah or Amelia; and so on to -the end of the chapter. - -[Sidenote: ? Why is the standard octopus like a water-lily? -Oh, fudge! It isn't like a water-lily at all. It is more -like the skunk cabbage which gets a head in the world, but -is always in bad odor.] - - - - -[Illustration] - -SUNDAY (1660) Charles II, chased by subpoena from - Cromwell, wins record of being most - difficult man in the world to subpoena. - - (1906) Rockefeller smashes record of Charles II. - -MONDAY - -TUESDAY (1620) Pilgrims land at Plymouth in little - Mayflower. - - (1906) Records show that little Mayflower - brought over 38,000,000 carloads of - ancestors, candlesticks, furniture, etc. - -WEDNESDAY (1906) Chinese missionaries threatened. - - (Next day) Missionaries leave tracts and make - new ones for home. - -THURSDAY - -FRIDAY The day before Christmas will seem the longest - day in the year if you are expecting any - presents. - -SATURDAY - -DECEMBER - -Wit is something bright, thought of after the guests have -departed. - - - - -ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS - - -DIFFIDENT--The proper way to handle a lobster is to have him -arrested. - -ECONOMY--We know of no place where toothbrushes are -laundered. - -HISTORIAN--You are right. Noah was the largest individual -holder of watered stock during his age. - -SCIENCE--Yes, ice is slippery on both sides. - -WELL WISHER--We return the $5 note. We cannot accept -counterfeit money from admirers. - -SPORT--You lose. Adam was born an orphan. - - * * * * * - -RECENT INVENTIONS - -A charming addition to the safety razor is a little fountain -attachment that sprinkles the user with Bay Rum. - - * * * * * - -Up-to-date bachelors are rapidly adopting the new unlosable -collar button. This collar button is made of rubber with a -little electric light attachment and is guaranteed to bounce -for five minutes. Every time it strikes the floor, the -impact causes the light to shine brilliantly, thus making it -impossible to lose sight of even in the darkest corner. - -[Sidenote: _A New Year Thought_: Now is the time to take -your pen in hand--to meditate, to practise faithfully until -you write with ease, one--nine--naught--EIGHT.] - -[Sidenote: _To Develop the Calf_: Permit it to remain with -its mother for two or three weeks. Then teach it to drink -milk out of pail.] - - - - -[Illustration] - -SUNDAY (1278) Ottocar died in Vienna. - - (1895) Automobile born in France. - -MONDAY - -TUESDAY (1373) Leopold, archduke of Austria, named his - son Rupert for the benefit of modern - novelists. - -WEDNESDAY (1340) Cannon first used in England. - - (1906) Roosevelt uses Cannon in the House of - Representatives. - -THURSDAY CORRESPONDENT ANSWERED - - Editor Foolish Almanack:-- - What ails my hens? Every morning I - find two or three lying on their backs, toes - curled up, never to rise again. - - CONSTANT READER. - Skowhegan, Me. - - Answer:--Your hens are dead.--Ed. - -FRIDAY - -SATURDAY - -DECEMBER - -Health Hint:--If you have a "broken bone" try to save the -change. - - - - -_Number 1 in the "Foolish Series"_ - -_The_ Foolish Dictionary - -_by_ GIDEON WURDZ - -_Author of "Foolish Finance"_ - -Over fifty illustrations by Wallace Goldsmith. - -More than one hundred thousand copies of "_The Foolish -Dictionary_" have been sold, and throughout the country its -seven hundred witty definitions are quoted in every walk of -life. - -It is a book for everybody who loves fun in words--in fact -it's - -A DICTIONARY _of_ HUMOR - -_Uniform with "Foolish Finance." Cloth Price 75c_ - -JOHN W. LUCE _and_ COMPANY -BOSTON _and_ LONDON - - - - -_Number 3 in the "Foolish Series"_ - -_Foolish Finance_ - -_by_ GIDEON WURDZ - -_Author of "The Foolish Dictionary"_ - - A mirthful book on all branches of finance, - familiarizing the uninitiated with the funny side of - losing money, while making Wall Street see the joke - on themselves. - - "The Author aims his witty shafts at the monopolists, - railroads, banks, mines, insurance companies, and on - every page there is something to provoke a - smile."--_Boston Herald_ - -Over fifty characteristically funny illustrations by Wallace -Goldsmith. - -_Uniform with "Foolish Dictionary". Cloth Price 75c_ - -JOHN W. LUCE _and_ COMPANY -BOSTON _and_ LONDON - - - - -_Containing a Wealth of Nimble Jest_ - -_Foolish Etiquette_ - -written by that Brilliant Coterie so Giddy-on-Words, whose -contributions to "The Foolish Dictionary," "Foolish Finance" -and "The Foolish Almanac" have made those books nationally -notable, here appearing under the pseudonym of - -_O. B. HAYVE_ - -Over 100 Characteristic Illustrations by Wallace Goldsmith -whose humorous sketches are such an important feature of -_The Foolish Series_. - - "Even more entertaining, we think, than either of its - predecessors."--_Boston Advertiser_, June 25, 1906. - - "Wit and cleverness."--_N.Y. Tribune_, June 30, 1906. - -_Cloth, uniform with other books in this series, 7-3/8 x -4-1/2. 160 Pages. Price 75c_ - -JOHN W. LUCE _and_ COMPANY -BOSTON _and_ LONDON - - - -ADDITIONAL TITLES _from_ JOHN W. LUCE & COMPANY'S LIST - -THE GIRL IN WAITING, by Archibald Eyre. "A very -unusual novel." [$1.50 - -ALL BY WIRE -A love episode told in 100 fac-simile telegrams. [$1.00 - -THE MISFIT CHRISTMAS PUDDINGS, by the Consolation Club. -A Christmas Story, beautifully illustrated -by Wallace Goldsmith. [$1.25 - -THE CANTERVILLE GHOST, by Wilde. An inimitable satire, -and grotesquely amusing. [$1.00 -Illustrated by Wallace Goldsmith. - -A BACHELOR'S CUPBOARD, by A. Lyman Phillips. -Everything a bachelor should know. [$1.00 - -THE FOOLISH ALMANACK (1st). -If you like one you will like the other. [$ .75 - -LOVE LETTERS OF HENRY VIII to Anne Boleyn. -Genuine copies, exquisitely bound in full leather. [$1.50 - -GEORGE BERNARD SHAW; HIS PLAYS. A critical analysis -by Henry L. Mencken. [$1.00 - -ON GOING TO CHURCH, by George Bernard Shaw. [$ .75 - -EPIGRAMS AND APHORISMS, by Oscar Wilde. -Sparks from a brilliant mind. [$1.50 - -Any of the above books will be sent by the publishers, -postage prepaid, on receipt of price. - -JOHN W. LUCE AND COMPANY -31 BEACON STREET BOSTON - - - - - -End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Foolish Almanak, by Anonymous - -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE FOOLISH ALMANAK *** - -***** This file should be named 40145-8.txt or 40145-8.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: - http://www.gutenberg.org/4/0/1/4/40145/ - -Produced by David Edwards and the Online Distributed -Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This file was -produced from images generously made available by The -Internet Archive) - - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions -will be renamed. - -Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no -one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation -(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without -permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or -re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included -with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org/license - - -Title: The Foolish Almanak - -Author: Anonymous - -Illustrator: Wallace Goldsmith - -Release Date: July 7, 2012 [EBook #40145] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE FOOLISH ALMANAK *** - - - - -Produced by David Edwards and the Online Distributed -Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This file was -produced from images generously made available by The -Internet Archive) - - - - - - -</pre> - +<div>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 40145 ***</div> <div class="figcenter" style="width: 275px;"> <img src="images/i001cover.png" width="275" alt="book cover" title="" /> @@ -3355,7 +3315,7 @@ us to touch a tender spot.</p> <hr class="hrsep" /> -<p>She—(very décolleté). How far +<p>She—(very décolleté). How far do you think a girl ought to go toward revealing the secrets of her heart?</p> @@ -4042,7 +4002,7 @@ a cold brick is a bad thing for the head.</p> <table cellpadding="2"> <tr><td class="day">SUNDAY</td><td>(44 B.C.) "Twenty-three for you," shouted -Brutus to Cæsar, and when they counted +Brutus to Cæsar, and when they counted the stab wounds they found Brutus had enumerated correctly.</td></tr> <tr><td class="day">MONDAY</td><td></td></tr> @@ -4390,387 +4350,6 @@ publishers, postage prepaid, on receipt of price.</p> <h5>JOHN W. LUCE AND COMPANY<br /> 31 BEACON STREET BOSTON</h5> - - - - - - - -<pre> - - - - - -End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Foolish Almanak, by Anonymous - -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE FOOLISH ALMANAK *** - -***** This file should be named 40145-h.htm or 40145-h.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: - http://www.gutenberg.org/4/0/1/4/40145/ - -Produced by David Edwards and the Online Distributed -Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This file was -produced from images generously made available by The -Internet Archive) - - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions -will be renamed. - -Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no -one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation -(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without -permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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