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+*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 40134 ***
+
+Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this
+      file which includes the original illustrations.
+      See 40134-h.htm or 40134-h.zip:
+      (http://www.gutenberg.org/files/40134/40134-h/40134-h.htm)
+      or
+      (http://www.gutenberg.org/files/40134/40134-h.zip)
+
+
+      Images of the original pages are available through
+      Internet Archive. See
+      http://archive.org/details/cu31924013585561
+
+
+
+
+
+A MORAL ALPHABET.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+  BY THE SAME AUTHORS.
+
+
+  MORE BEASTS (FOR WORSE CHILDREN).
+  Demy 4to. 3s. 6d.
+
+
+  THE MODERN TRAVELLER.
+  Fcap. 4to. 3s. 6d.
+
+
+  EDWARD ARNOLD, LONDON.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+A MORAL ALPHABET
+
+by
+
+H. B.
+
+With Illustrations by
+
+B. B.
+
+Authors of "The Bad Child's Book of Beasts"
+"More Beasts for Worse Children"
+"The Modern Traveller" etc.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+London
+Edward Arnold
+37 Bedford Street
+1899
+
+
+
+  _DEDICATION._
+
+  TO THE GENTLEMAN
+  ON PAGE 49.
+
+
+
+A
+
+    stands for
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+                Archibald who told no lies,
+    And got this lovely volume for a prize.
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+    The Upper School had combed and oiled their hair,
+    And all the Parents of the Boys were there.
+    In words that ring like thunder through the Hall,
+    Draw tears from some and loud applause from all,--
+    The Pedagogue, with Pardonable Joy,
+    Bestows the Gift upon the Radiant Boy:--
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+    "Accept the Noblest Work produced as yet"
+    (Says he) "upon the English Alphabet;
+    "Next term I shall examine you, to find
+    "If you have read it thoroughly. So mind!"
+    And while the Boys and Parents cheered so loud,
+    That out of doors
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+                     a large and anxious crowd
+    Had gathered and was blocking up the street,
+    The admirable child resumed his seat.
+
+
+  MORAL.
+
+  Learn from this justly irritating Youth,
+  To brush your Hair and Teeth and tell the Truth.
+
+
+
+B stands for Bear.
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+             When Bears are seen
+    Approaching in the distance,
+    Make up your mind at once between
+       Retreat and Armed Resistance.
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+    A Gentleman remained to fight--
+       With what result for him?
+    The Bear, with ill-concealed delight,
+        Devoured him, Limb by Limb.
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+    Another Person turned and ran;
+        He ran extremely hard:
+    The Bear was faster than the Man,
+        And beat him by a yard.
+
+
+  MORAL.
+
+  Decisive action in the hour of need
+  Denotes the Hero, but does not succeed.
+
+
+
+C stands for Cobra; when the Cobra
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+                                             bites
+   An Indian Judge, the Judge spends restless nights.
+
+
+  MORAL.
+
+  This creature, though disgusting and appalling,
+  Conveys no kind of Moral worth recalling.
+
+
+
+D
+
+    The Dreadful
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+                             Dinotherium he
+    Will have to do his best for D.
+    The early world observed with awe
+    His back, indented like a saw.
+    His look was gay, his voice was strong;
+    His tail was neither short nor long;
+    His trunk, or elongated nose,
+    Was not so large as some suppose;
+    His teeth, as all the world allows,
+    Were graminivorous, like a cow's.
+    He therefore should have wished to pass
+    Long peaceful nights upon the Grass,
+    But being mad the brute preferred
+    To roost in branches, like a bird.[A]
+    A creature heavier than a whale,
+    You see at once, could hardly fail
+    To suffer badly when he slid
+    And tumbled
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+                             (as he always did).
+    His fossil, therefore, comes to light
+    All broken up: and serve him right.
+
+
+  MORAL.
+
+  If you were born to walk the ground,
+  Remain there; do not fool around.
+
+
+  [A]
+    We have good reason to suppose
+    He did so, from his claw-like toes.
+
+
+
+E
+
+        stands for
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+                    Egg.
+
+
+  MORAL.
+
+          The Moral of this verse
+  Is applicable to the Young. Be terse.
+
+
+
+F
+
+     for a
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+          Family taking a walk
+        In Arcadia Terrace, no doubt:
+    The parents indulge in intelligent talk,
+        While the children they gambol about.
+    At a quarter-past six they return to their tea,
+    Of a kind that would hardly be tempting to me,
+          Though my appetite passes belief.
+    There is Jam, Ginger Beer, Buttered Toast, Marmalade,
+    With a Cold Leg of Mutton and Warm Lemonade,
+    And a large Pigeon Pie very skilfully made
+          To consist almost wholly of Beef.
+
+
+  MORAL.
+
+  A Respectable Family taking the air
+      Is a subject on which I could dwell;
+  It contains all the morals that ever there were,
+      And it sets an example as well.
+
+
+
+G
+
+    stands for Gnu, whose weapons of Defence
+    Are long, sharp, curling Horns, and Common-sense.
+    To these he adds a Name so short and strong,
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+    That even Hardy Boers pronounce it wrong.
+    How often on a bright Autumnal day
+    The Pious people of Pretoria say,
+    "Come, let us hunt the----" Then no more is heard
+    But Sounds of Strong Men struggling with a word.
+    Meanwhile, the distant Gnu with grateful eyes
+    Observes his opportunity, and flies.
+
+
+  MORAL.
+
+  Child, if you have a rummy kind of name,
+  Remember to be thankful for the same.
+
+
+
+H was a
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+          Horseman who rode to the meet,
+    And talked of the Pads of the fox as his "feet"--
+    An error which furnished subscribers with grounds
+    For refusing to make him a Master of Hounds.
+    He gave way thereupon to so fearful a rage,
+    That he sold up his Stable and went on the Stage,
+    And had all the success that a man could desire
+    In creating the Part of
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+                           "The Old English Squire."
+
+
+  MORAL.
+
+  In the Learned Professions, a person should know
+  The advantage of having two strings to his bow.
+
+
+
+I
+    the Poor Indian, justly called "The Poor,"
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+    He has to eat his Dinner off the floor.
+
+
+  MORAL.
+
+  The Moral these delightful lines afford
+  Is: "Living cheaply is its own reward."
+
+
+
+J
+
+    stands for James, who thought it immaterial
+    To pay his taxes, Local or Imperial.
+    In vain the Mother wept, the Wife implored,
+    James only yawned as though a trifle bored.
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+    The Tax Collector called again, but he
+    Was met with Persiflage and Repartee.
+    When James was hauled before the learned Judge,
+    Who lectured him, he loudly whispered, "Fudge!"
+    The Judge was startled from his usual calm,
+    He
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+        struck the desk before him with his palm,
+    And roared in tones to make the boldest quail,
+    "_J stands for James_, IT ALSO STANDS FOR JAIL."
+    And therefore, on a dark and dreadful day,
+    Policemen came and took him all away.
+
+
+  MORAL.
+
+  The fate of James is typical, and shows
+      How little mercy people can expect
+  Who will not pay their taxes; (saving those
+      To which they conscientiously object.)
+
+
+
+K
+
+    for the Klondyke, a Country of Gold,
+    Where the winters are often excessively cold;
+    Where the lawn every morning is covered with rime,
+    And skating continues for years at a time.
+    Do you think that a Climate can conquer the grit
+    Of the Sons of the West? Not a bit! Not a bit!
+    When the weather looks nippy, the bold Pioneers
+    Put on two pairs of Stockings and cover their ears,
+    And roam through the drear Hyperborean dales
+    With a vast apparatus of Buckets and Pails;
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+    Or wander through wild Hyperborean glades
+    With Hoes, Hammers, Pickaxes, Matlocks and Spades.
+    There are some who give rise to exuberant mirth
+    By turning up nothing but bushels of earth,
+    While those who have little cause excellent fun
+    By attempting to pilfer from those who have none.
+    At times the reward they will get for their pains
+    Is to strike very tempting auriferous veins;
+    Or, a shaft being sunk for some miles in the ground,
+    Not infrequently nuggets of value are found.
+    They bring us the gold when their labours are ended,
+    And we--after thanking them prettily--spend it.
+
+
+  MORAL.
+
+  Just you work for Humanity, never you mind
+  If Humanity seems to have left you behind.
+
+
+
+L
+
+    was a Lady, Advancing in Age,
+        Who drove in her carriage and six,
+    With a Couple of Footmen a Coachman and Page,
+        Who were all of them regular bricks.
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+    If the Coach ran away, or was smashed by a Dray,
+        Or got into collisions and blocks,
+    The Page, with a courtesy rare for his years,
+    Would leap to the ground with inspiriting cheers,
+    While the Footman allayed her legitimate fears,
+        And the Coachman sat tight on his box.
+    At night as they met round an excellent meal,
+        They would take it in turn to observe:
+    "What a Lady indeed! . . . what a presence to Feel! . . ."
+        "What a Woman to worship and serve! . . ."
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+    But, perhaps, the most poignant of all their delights
+        Was to stand in a rapturous Dream
+    When she spoke to them kindly on Saturday Nights,
+        And said "They deserved her Esteem."
+
+
+  MORAL.
+
+  Now observe the Reward of these dutiful lives:
+      At the end of their Loyal Career
+  They each had a Lodge at the end of the drives,
+      And she left them a Hundred a Year.
+  Remember from this to be properly vexed
+      When the newspaper editors say,
+  That "The type of society shown in the Text
+      "Is rapidly passing away."
+
+
+
+M
+
+    was a Millionaire who sat at Table,
+        And ate like this--
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+                            as long as he was able;
+    At half-past twelve the waiters turned him out:
+        He lived impoverished and died of gout.
+
+
+  MORAL.
+
+  Disgusting exhibition! Have a care
+  When, later on, you are a Millionaire,
+  To rise from table feeling you could still
+  Take something more, and not be really ill.
+
+
+
+N
+
+    stands for Ned, Maria's younger brother,
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+    Who, walking one way, chose to gaze the other.
+    In Blandford Square--a crowded part of town--
+    Two People on a tandem knocked him down;
+    Whereat
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+            a Motor Car, with warning shout,
+    Ran right on top and turned him inside out:
+    The damages that he obtained from these
+    Maintained him all his life in cultured ease.
+
+
+  MORAL.
+
+  The law protects you. Go your gentle way:
+  The Other Man has always got to Pay.
+
+
+
+O
+
+    stands for Oxford. Hail! salubrious seat
+    Of learning! Academical Retreat!
+    Home of my Middle Age! Malarial Spot
+    Which People call Medeeval (though it's not).
+    The marshes in the neighbourhood can vie
+    With Cambridge, but the town itself is dry,
+    And serves to make a kind of Fold or Pen
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+    Wherein to herd a lot of Learned Men.
+    Were I to write but half of what they know,
+    It would exhaust the space reserved for "O";
+    And, as my book must not be over big,
+    I turn at once to "P," which stands for Pig.
+
+
+  MORAL.
+
+  Be taught by this to speak with moderation
+  Of places where, with decent application,
+  One gets a good, sound, middle-class education.
+
+
+
+P
+
+    stands for Pig, as I remarked before,
+    A second cousin to the Huge Wild Boar.
+    But Pigs are civilized, while Huge Wild Boars
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+    Live savagely, at random, out of doors,
+    And, in their coarse contempt for dainty foods,
+    Subsist on Truffles, which they find in woods.
+    Not so the cultivated Pig, who feels
+    The need of several courses at his meals,
+    But wrongly thinks it does not matter whether
+    He takes them one by one
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+                              or all together.
+    Hence, Pigs devour, from lack of self-respect,
+    What Epicures would certainly reject.
+
+
+  MORAL.
+
+  Learn from the Pig to take whatever Fate
+  Or Elder Persons heap upon your plate.
+
+Q
+
+    for Quinine, which children take
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+    With Jam and little bits of cake.
+
+
+  MORAL.
+
+  How idiotic! Can Quinine
+  Replace Cold Baths and Sound Hygiene?
+
+
+
+R
+
+        the Reviewer,
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+                          reviewing my book,
+    At which he had barely intended to look;
+    But the very first lines upon "A" were enough
+    To convince him the _Verses_ were excellent stuff.
+    So he wrote, without stopping, for several days
+    In terms of extreme, but well-merited Praise.
+    To quote but one Passage: "No Person" (says he),
+    "Will be really content without purchasing three,
+    "While a Parent will send for a dozen or more,
+    "And strew them about on the Nursery Floor.
+    "The Versification might call for some strictures
+    "Were it not for its singular wit; while the Pictures,
+    "Tho' the handling of line is a little defective,
+    "Make up amply in _verve_ what they lack in perspective."
+
+
+  MORAL.
+
+  The habit of constantly telling the Truth
+  Will lend an additional lustre to Youth.
+
+
+
+S
+
+    stands for Snail, who, though he be the least,
+    Is not an uninstructive Hornèd Beast.
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+    His eyes are on his Horns, and when you shout
+    Or tickle them, the Horns go in and out.
+    Had Providence seen proper to endow
+    The furious Unicorn or sober Cow
+    With such a gift the one would never now
+    Appear so commonplace on Coats of Arms.
+    And what a fortune for our failing farms
+    If circus managers, with wealth untold,
+    Would take the Cows for half their weight in gold!
+
+
+  MORAL.
+
+  Learn from the Snail to take reproof with patience,
+  And not put out your Horns on all occasions.
+
+
+
+T
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+    for the Genial Tourist, who resides
+    In Peckham, where he writes Italian Guides.
+
+
+  MORAL.
+
+  Learn from this information not to cavil
+  At slight mistakes in books on foreign travel.
+
+
+
+U
+
+         for the Upas Tree,
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+                          that casts a blight
+    On those that pull their sisters' hair, and fight.
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+    But oh! the Good! They wander undismayed,
+    And (as the Subtle Artist has portrayed)
+    Dispend the golden hours at play beneath its shade.[B]
+
+
+  MORAL.
+
+  Dear Reader, if you chance to catch a sight
+  Of Upas Trees, betake yourself to flight.
+
+  [B]
+    A friend of mine, a Botanist, believes
+    That Good can even browse upon its leaves.
+    I doubt it....
+
+
+
+V for
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+        the unobtrusive Volunteer,
+    Who fills the Armies of the World with fear.
+
+
+  MORAL.
+
+  Seek with the Volunteer to put aside
+  The empty Pomp of Military Pride.
+
+
+
+W
+
+    My little victim, let me trouble you
+    To fix your active mind on W.
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+    The WATERBEETLE here shall teach
+    A sermon far beyond your reach:
+    He flabbergasts the Human Race
+    By gliding on the water's face
+    With ease, celerity, and grace;
+    _But if he ever stopped to think
+    Of how he did it, he would sink._
+
+
+  MORAL.
+
+  Don't ask Questions!
+
+
+
+X
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+    No reasonable little Child expects
+    A Grown-up Man to make a rhyme on X.
+
+
+  MORAL.
+
+  These verses teach a clever child to find
+  Excuse for doing all that he's inclined.
+
+
+
+Y
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+    stands for Youth (it would have stood for Yak,
+    But that I wrote about him two years back).
+    Youth is the pleasant springtime of our days,
+    As Dante so mellifluously says
+    (Who always speaks of Youth with proper praise).
+    You have not got to Youth, but when you do
+    You'll find what He and I have said is true.
+
+
+  MORAL.
+
+  Youth's excellence should teach the Modern Wit
+  First to be Young, and then to boast of it.
+
+
+
+Z
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+    for this Zébu, who (like all Zebús)[C]
+    Is held divine by scrupulous Hindoos.
+
+  [C]
+    Von Kettner writes it "_Zé_bu"; Wurst "Ze_bu_":
+    I split the difference and use the two.
+
+
+  MORAL.
+
+  Idolatry, as you are well aware,
+  Is highly reprehensible. But there,
+  We needn't bother,--when we get to Z
+  Our interest in the Alphabet is dead.
+
+
+
+
+  ILLUSTRATED HUMOROUS BOOKS
+
+  _Published by Mr. EDWARD ARNOLD._
+
+
+REALLY AND TRULY!
+
+OR, THE CENTURY FOR BABES.
+
+  Written by ERNEST AMES, and Illustrated by MRS. ERNEST AMES,
+  Authors of "An A B C for Baby Patriots."
+  Fully and brilliantly coloured.
+  Price 3s. 6d.
+
+
+RUTHLESS RHYMES FOR HEARTLESS HOMES.
+
+  The Verses by COLONEL D. STREAMER;
+  the Pictures by G---- H----.
+  Crown 4to. 3s. 6d.
+
+
+TAILS WITH A TWIST.
+
+  An Animal Picture-Book by E. T. REED, Author of "Pre-Historic
+      Peeps," &c.
+  With Verses by "A BELGIAN HARE."
+  Oblong demy 4to. 3s. 6d.
+
+
+THE FRANK LOCKWOOD SKETCH-BOOK.
+
+  Being a Selection of Sketches by the late SIR
+    FRANK LOCKWOOD, Q.C., M.P.
+  Third Edition. Oblong royal 4to. 10s. 6d.
+
+
+MORE BEASTS (FOR WORSE CHILDREN).
+
+  Verses by H. B. Pictures by B. B.
+  Demy 4to. 3s. 6d.
+
+
+THE MODERN TRAVELLER.
+
+  By H. B. and B. B.
+  Fcap. 4to. 3s. 6d.
+
+
+A MORAL ALPHABET.
+
+  By H. B. and B. B.
+  Fcap. 4to. 3s. 6d.
+
+
+EDWARD ARNOLD, 37, BEDFORD STREET, LONDON.
+
+
+
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+Transcriber's note:
+
+Page 41, "o" changed to "to" (I to write)
+
+*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 40134 ***