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diff --git a/40127-0.txt b/40127-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..e560725 --- /dev/null +++ b/40127-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1819 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 40127 *** + +Joe Miller's _JESTS_ + +OR, THE + +WITS + +_VADE-MECUM_. + +BEING + +A Collection of the most Brilliant JESTS; the Politest +REPARTEES; the most Elegant BONS MOTS, and most pleasant +short Stories in the _English_ Language. + +First carefully collected in the Company, and many of them +transcribed from the Mouth of the Facetious GENTLEMAN, whose +Name they bear; and now set forth and published by his +lamentable Friend and former Companion, _Elijah Jenkins_, +Esq; + +Most Humbly INSCRIBED + +_To those_ CHOICE-SPIRITS _of the_ AGE, + +Captain BODENS, Mr. ALEXANDER POPE, Mr. Professor LACY, Mr. +Orator HENLEY, and JOB BAKER, the Kettle-Drummer. + + +_LONDON:_ + +Printed and Sold by T. READ, in _Dogwell-Court, White-Fryars, +Fleet-Street_, MDCCXXXIX. + + + + +Transcriber's Note: Jest number 59 was omitted from the original text. + + + + +JOE MILLER's _JESTS_. + + + + + 1. The Duke of _A----ll_, who says more good Things than any Body, +being behind the Scenes the First Night of the _Beggar's Opera_, and +meeting _Cibber_ there, well _Colley_, said he, how d'you like the +_Beggar's Opera_? Why it makes one laugh, my Lord, answer'd he, on the +Stage; but how will it do in print. O! very well, I'll answer for it, +said the Duke, if you don't write a Preface to it.[1] + + [1] See _Cibber's_ Preface to _Provok'd Husband_. + + 2. There being a very great Disturbance one Evening at _Drury-Lane_ +Play-House, Mr. _Wilks_, coming upon the Stage to say something to +pacify the Audience, had an Orange thrown full at him, which he having +took up, making a low Bow, this is no _Civil Orange_, I think, said he. + + 3. Mr. _H--rr--n_, one of the Commissioners of the Revenue in +_Ireland_, being one Night in the Pit, at the Play-House in _Dublin_, +_Monoca Gall_, the Orange Girl, famous for her Wit and her Assurance, +striding over his Back, he popp'd his Hands under her Petticoats: Nay, +Mr. Commissioner, said she, you'll find no Goods there but what have +been fairly entered. + + 4. _Joe Miller_ sitting one day in the Window at the _Sun-Tavern_ in +_Clare-Street_, a Fish Woman and her Maid passing by, the Woman cry'd, +_Buy my Soals; buy my Maids_: Ah, you wicked old Creature, cry'd honest +_Joe_, _What are you not content to sell your own Soul, but you must +sell your Maid's too?_ + + 5. When the Duke of _Ormond_ was young, and came first to Court, he +happen'd to stand next my Lady _Dorchester_, one Evening in the +Drawing-Room, who being but little upon the Reserve on most Occasions, +let a Fart, upon which he look'd her full in the Face and laugh'd. +What's the Matter, my Lord, said she: Oh! I heard it, Madam, reply'd +the Duke, you'll make a fine Courtier indeed, said she, if you mind +every Thing you _hear_ in this Place. + + 6. A poor Man, who had a termagant Wife, after a long Dispute, in which +she was resolved to have the last Word, told her, if she spoke one more +_crooked_ Word, he'd beat her Brains out: Why then _Ram's Horns_, you +Rogue, said she, if I die for't. + + 7. A Gentleman ask'd a Lady at _Tunbridge_, who had made a very +large Acquaintance among the Beaus and pretty Fellows there, what she +would do with them all. O! said she, they pass off like the Waters; and +pray, Madam, reply'd the Gentleman do they all _pass_ the _same Way_? + + 8. An Hackney-Coachman, who was just set up, had heard that the Lawyers +used to club their _Three-Pence_ a-piece, four of them, to go to +_Westminster_, and being called by a Lawyer at _Temple-Bar_, who, with +two others in their Gowns, got into his Coach, he was bid to drive to +_Westminster-Hall_: but the Coachman still holding his Door open, as if +he waited for more Company; one of the Gentlemen asked him, why he did +not shut the Door and go on, the Fellow, scratching his Head, cry'd you +know, Master, my Fare's a Shilling, I can't go for _Nine-Pence_. + + 9. Two Free-thinking Authors proposed to a Bookseller, that was a little +decayed in the World, that if he would print their Works they would +_set him up_, and indeed they were as good as their Word, for in six +Week's Time he was in the _Pillory_. + + 10. A Gentleman was saying one Day at the _Tilt-Yard_ Coffee-House, +when it rained exceeding hard, that it put him in Mind of the General +_Deluge_; Zoons, Sir, said an old Campaigner, who stood by, who's that? +I have heard of all the _Generals_ in _Europe_ but him. + + 11. A certain Poet and Player, remarkable for his Impudence and +Cowardice, happening many Years ago to have a Quarrel with Mr. +_Powell_, another Player, received from him a smart Box of the Ear; a +few Days after the Poetical Player having lost his Snuff-Box, and +making strict Enquiry if any Body had seen his _Box_; what said another +of the Buskin'd Wits, _that_ which _George Powell_ gave you t'other +Night? + + 12. _Gun Jones_, who had made his Fortune himself from a mean +Beginning, happening to have some Words with a Person who had known him +some Time, was asked by the other, how he could have the Impudence to +give himself so many Airs to him, when he knew very well, that he +remember'd him seven Years before with hardly a _Rag to his A--_. You +lie, Sirrah, reply'd _Jones_, seven Years ago _I had nothing but Rags +to my A--_. + + 13. Lord _R----_ having lost about fifty Pistoles, one Night, at +the Gaming-Table in _Dublin_, some Friends condoling with him upon his +ill Luck, Faith, said he, I am very well pleas'd at what I have done, +for I have bit them, by G---- there is not one Pistole that don't want +Six-Pence of Weight. + + 14. Mother _Needham_, about 25 Years age being much in Arrear with +her Landlord for Rent, was warmly press'd by him for his Money, Dear +Sir, said she, how can you be so pressing at this dead Time of the +Year, in about six Weeks Time both the Par----, and the C--n--v--c--n +will sit, and then Business will be so brisk, that I shall be able to +pay ten Times the Sum. + + 15. A Lady being asked how she liked a Gentleman's Singing, who had a +very _stinking Breath_, the Words are good, said she, but the _Air_ is +intolerable. + + 16. The late Mrs. _Oldfield_ being asked if she thought Sir _W. Y._ +and Mrs. _H----n_, who had both stinking Breaths, were marry'd: I +don't know, said she, whether they are marry'd; but I am sure there is +a _Wedding_ between them. + + 17. A Gentleman saying something in Praise of Mrs. _G----ve_, who +is, without Dispute, a good Player, tho' exceeding saucy and exceeding +ugly; another said, her Face always put him in mind of _Mary-Bone +Park_, being desired to explain himself, he said, it was vastly _rude_ +and had not one Bit of _Pale_ about it. + + 18. A pragmatical young Fellow sitting at Table over-against the learned +_John Scot_, asked him what difference there was between _Scot_ and +_Sot_: _Just the Breadth of the Table_, answered the other. + + 19. Another Poet asked _Nat Lee_ if it was not easy to write like a +_Madman_, as he did: No, answered _Nat_, but it is easy to write like a +_Fool_ as you do. + + 20. _Colley_, who, notwithstanding his _Odes_, has now and then said +a good Thing, being told one Night by the late Duke of _Wharton_, that +he expected to see him _hang'd_ or _beggar'd_ very soon, by G--d, said +the Laureat, if I had your Grace's _Politicks_ and _Morals_ you might +expect _both_. + + 21. Sir _Thomas More_, for a long Time had only Daughters, his Wife +earnestly praying that they may have a Boy, at last they had a _Boy_, +who when he came to Man's Estate, proved but simple; _thou prayedst so +long for a Boy_, said Sir _Thomas_ to his Wife, _that at last thou hast +got one who will be a Boy as long as he lives_. + + 22. The same Gentleman, when Lord Chancellor being pressed by the +Counsel of the Party, for a _longer day_ to perform a Decree, said, +_Take St._ Barnaby's _Day, the longest in the Year_; which happened to +be the next Week. + + 23. This famous Chancellor, who preserved his Humour and his Wit to the +last Moment, when he came to be executed on _Tower-Hill_, the Heads-man +demanded his _upper Garment_ as his Fee; ay, Friend, said he, taking +off his _Cap_, That I think is my _Upper-Garment_. + + 24. The Great _Algernoon Sidney_ seemed to shew as little Concern at +his Death, he had indeed got some Friends to intercede with the King +for a Pardon; but when he was told, that his Majesty could not be +prevailed upon to give him his Life, but that in Regard to his ancient +and noble Family, he would remit Part of his Sentence, and only have +his Head cut off; nay, said he, if his Majesty is resolved to have my +_Head_ he may make a Whistle of my _A----_ if he pleases. + + 25. Lady _C----g_ and her two Daughters having taken Lodgings at a +Leather-Breeches Maker's in _Piccadilly_, the Sign of the _Cock_ and +_Leather-Breeches_, was always put to the Blush when she was obliged +to give any Body Direction to her Lodgings, the Sign being so odd a +one; upon which my Lady, a very good Sort of Woman, sending for her +Landlord, a jolly young Fellow, told him, she liked him and his +Lodgings very well, but she must be obliged to quit them on Account of +his Sign, for she was ashamed to tell any body what it was, O! dear +Madam, said the young Fellow, I would do any Thing rather than lose so +good Lodgers, I can easily alter my Sign; so I think, answered my Lady, +and I'll tell you how you may satisfy both me and my Daughters: _Only +take down your_ Breeches _and let your_ Cock _stand_. + + 26. When _Rablais_ the greatest Drole in _France_, lay on his Death-Bed, +he could not help jesting at the very last Moment, for having received +the extreme Unction, a Friend coming to see him, said, he hoped he was +_prepared_ for the next World; Yes, yes, reply'd _Rablais_, I am ready +for my Journey now, _they have just greased my Boots_. + + 27. _Henry_ the IVth, of _France_, reading an ostentatious Inscription +on the Monument of a _Spanish_ Officer, _Here lies the Body of_ Don, +&c., &c. _who never knew what Fear was_. _Then_ said the King, _he +never snuffed a Candle with his Fingers_. + + 28. A certain Member of the _French_ Academy, who was no great Friend +to the Abbot _Furetiere_, one Day took the Seat that was commonly used +by the Abbot, and soon after having Occasion to speak, and _Furetiere_ +being by that Time come in; Here is a Place, said he, Gentlemen, from +when I am likely to utter a thousand Impertinences: Go on, answered +_Furetiere_, there's _one_ already. + + 29. When Sir _Richard Steele_ was fitting up his great Room, in +_York-Buildings_, for publick Orations, that very Room, which is now so +worthily occupied by the learned and eximious Mr. Professor _Lacy_. He +happened at one Time to be pretty much behind Hand with his Workmen, +and coming one Day among them to see how they went forward, he ordered +one of them to get into the _Rostrum_, and make a Speech, that he might +observe how it could be heard, the Fellow mounting, and scratching his +Pate, told him he knew not what to say, for in Truth he was no Orator. +Oh! said the Knight, no Matter for that, speak any thing that comes +uppermost. Why here, Sir _Richard_, said the Fellow, we have been +working for you these six Weeks, and cannot get one Penny of Money, +pray, Sir, when do you design to pay us? Very well, very well, said Sir +_Richard_, pray come down, I have heard enough, I cannot but own you +speak very distinctly, tho' I don't admire your Subject. + + 30. A Country Clergyman meeting a Neighbour who never came to Church, +altho' an old Fellow of above Sixty, he gave him some Reproof on that +Account, and asked him if he never read at Home: No, replyed the Clown, +I can't read; I dare say, said the Parson you don't know who made you; +not I, in troth, said the Countryman. A little Boy coming by at the same +Time, who made you, Child, cry'd the Parson, _God_, Sir, answered +the Boy. Why look you there, quoth the honest Clergyman, are not you +ashamed to hear a Child of five or six Years old tell me who made him, +when you that are so old a Man can not: Ah, said the Countryman, it is +no Wonder that he should remember, he was made but t'other Day, it is a +great while, Master, sin I were made. + + 31. A certain reverend Drone in the Country was complaining to another, +that it was a great Fatigue to preach twice a Day. Oh! said the other, I +preach twice every _Sunday_, and _make nothing of it_. + + 32. One of the foresaid Gentlemen, as was his Custom, preaching most +exceedingly dull to a Congregation not used to him, many of them slunk +out of the Church one after another, before the Sermon was near ended. +Truly, said a Gentleman present, this learned Doctor has made a very +_moving_ Discourse. + + 33. Sir _William Davenant_, the Poet, had _no Nose_, who going along +the Meuse one Day, a Beggar-Woman followed him, crying, ah! God +preserve your _Eye-Sight_; Sir, the Lord preserve your _Eye-Sight_. +Why, good Woman, said he, do you pray so much for my _Eye-Sight_? Ah! +dear Sir, answered the Woman, if it should please God that you grow +dim-sighted, you have no Place to hang your _Spectacles_ on. + + 34. A Welchman bragging of his Family, said, his Father's Effigies +was set up in _Westminster-Abbey_, being ask'd whereabouts, he said +in the same Monument with Squire _Thyne_'s for he was his Coachman. + + 35. A Person was saying, not at all to the Purpose, that really +_Sampson_, was a very strong Man; Ay, said another, but you are +much stronger, for you make nothing of lugging him by the Head and +Shoulders. + + 36. My Lord _Strangford_, who stammered very much, was telling a +certain Bishop that sat at his Table, that _Balaam_'s Ass spoke because +he was Pri----est---- Priest-rid, Sir, said a Valet-de-Chambre, who +stood behind his Chair, my Lord would say. No, Friend, reply'd the +Bishop, _Balaam_ could not speak himself, and so his _Ass_ spoke for +him. + + 37. The same noble Lord ask'd a Clergy-man once, at the Bottom of +his Table, why the _Goose_, if there was one, was always plac'd next +the _Parson_. Really, said he, I can give no Reason for it; but your +Question is so odd, that I shall never see a _Goose_ for the future +without thinking of your _Lordship_. + + 38. A Gentleman was asking another how that poor Devil _S----ge_ +could live, now my Lord _T----l_ had turn'd him off. Upon his Wits +said the other; _That is living upon a slender Stock indeed_, +reply'd the First. + + 39. A Country Parson having divided his Text under two and twenty +Heads, one of the Congregation went out of the Church in a great Hurry, +and being met by a Friend, he ask'd him, whither he was going? _Home +for my Night-Cap_, answered the first, _For I find we are to stay here +all Night_. + + 40. A very modest young Gentleman, of the County of _Tiperary_, having +attempted many Ways in vain, to acquire the Affections of a Lady of +great Fortune, at last try'd what was to be done, by the Help of +Musick, and therefore entertained her with a Serenade under her Window, +at Midnight, but she ordered her Servants to drive him thence by +throwing _Stones_ at him; _Your Musick, my Friend_, said one of his +Companions, is as powerful as that of _Orpheus_, for it draws the very +_Stones about you_. + + 41. A certain Senator, who is not, it may be, esteemed the wisest Man +in the House, has a frequent Custom of shaking his Head when another +speaks, which giving Offence to a particular Person, he complained of +the Affront; but one who had been long acquainted with him, assured the +House, it was only an ill Habit he had got, for though he would +oftentimes shake his _Head_, there was _nothing_ in it. + + 42. A Gentleman having lent a Guinea, for two or three Days, to a Person +whose Promises he had not much Faith in, was very much surpriz'd to find +he very punctually kept his Word with him; the same Gentleman being +sometime after desirous of borrowing the like Sum, No, said the other, +you have _deceived_ me once, and I am resolved you shan't do it a +second Time. + + 43. My Lord Chief Justice Holt had sent, by his Warrant, one of the +_French Prophets_, a foolish Sect, that started up in his Time, to +Prison; upon which Mr. _Lacy_, one of their Followers, came one Day to +my Lord's House, and desired to speak with him, the Servants told him, +he was not well, and saw no Company that Day, but tell him, said +_Lacy_, I must see him, for I come to him from the _Lord God_, which +being told the Chief Justice, he order'd him to come in, and ask'd him +his Business; I come, said he, from the _Lord_, who sent me to thee, +and would have thee grant a _Noli Prosequi_ for _John Atkins_, whom +thou hast cast into Prison: Thou art a false Prophet, answered my Lord, +and a lying Knave, for if the Lord had sent thee it wou'd have been to +the _Attorney-General_, he knows it is not in my Power to grant a +_Noli-Prosequi_. + + 44. _Tom B--rn--t_ happening to be at Dinner at my Lord Mayor's, in +the latter Part of the late Queen's Reign, after two or three Healths, +the Ministry was toasted, but when it came to _Tom_'s turn to drink, he +diverted it for some Time by telling a Story to the Person who sat next +him; the chief Magistrate of the City not seeing his Toast go round, +call'd out, Gentlemen, _where sticks the Ministry_? At nothing, by +G--d, says _Tom_, and so drank off his Glass. + + 45. My Lord _Craven_, in King _James_ the First's Reign, was very +desirous to see _Ben Johnson_, which being told to _Ben_, he went to my +Lord's House, but being in a very tatter'd Condition, as Poets +sometimes are, the Porter refus'd him Admittance, with some saucy +Language, which the other did not fail to return: My Lord happening to +come out while they were wrangling, asked the Occasion of it: _Ben_, +who stood in need of no-body to speak for him, said, he understood his +Lordship desired to see him; you, Friend, said my Lord, who are you? +_Ben Johnson_, reply'd the other: No, no, quoth my Lord, you cannot be +_Ben Johnson_ who wrote the _Silent Woman_, you look as if you could +not say Bo to a Goose: _Bo_, cry'd _Ben_, very well, said my Lord, who +was better pleas'd at the Joke, than offended at the Affront, I am now +convinced, by your Wit, you are _Ben Johnson_. + + 46. A certain Fop was boasting in Company that he had every _Sense_ +in Perfection; no, by G--d, said one, who was by, there is one you are +entirely without, and that is _Common Sense_. + + 47. An _Irish_ Lawyer of the _Temple_, having occasion to go to Dinner, +left these Directions written, and put in the Key-Hole of his Chamber-Door, +_I am gone to the_ Elephant _and_ Castle, _where you shall find me_; +and if _you can't read this Note, carry it down to the Stationer's, and +he will read it for you_. + + 48. Old _Dennis_ who had been the author of many Plays, going by a +_Brandy-Shop_, in St. _Paul's Church-Yard_; the Man who kept it, came +out to him, and desired him to drink a Dram, for what Reason said he, +because you are a _Dramatick_ Poet, answered the other; well, Sir, said +the old Gentleman, you are an out-of-the-way Fellow, and I will drink a +Dram with you; but when he had so done, he asked him to pay for it, +S'death, Sir, said the Bard, did you not ask me to drink a Dram because +I was a _Dramatick_ Poet; yes Sir, reply'd the Fellow, but I did not +think you had been a _Dram o'Tick_ Poet. + + 49. _Daniel Purcel_, the famous Punster, and a Friend of his, having a +Desire to drink a Glass of Wine together, upon the 30th of _January_, +they went to the _Salutation Tavern_ upon _Holbourn-Hill_, and finding +the Door shut, they knock'd at it, but it was not opened to 'em, only +one of the Drawers look'd through a little Wicket, and asked what they +would please to have, why open your Door, said _Daniel_, and draw us a +Pint of Wine, the Drawer said, his Master would not allow of it that +Day, it was a _Fast_; D--mn your Master, cry'd he, for a precise +Coxcomb, is he not contented to _fast_ himself but he must make his +Doors _fast_ too. + + 50. The same Gentleman calling for some Pipes in a Tavern, complained +they were too _short_; the Drawer said they had no other, and those +were but _just come in_: Ay, said _Daniel_, I see you have not bought +them _very long_. + + 51. The same Gentleman as he had the Character of a great Punster, +was desired one Night in Company, by a Gentleman, to make a _Pun +extempore_, upon what Subject, said _Daniel_, the _King_, answered the +other, the _King_, Sir, said he, is no _Subject_. + + 52. _G----s E----l_ who, tho' he is very rich, is remarkable for +his sordid Covetousness, told _Cibber_ one Night, in the _Green +Room_, that he was going out of Town, and was sorry to part with him, +for faith _he loved him_, Ah! said _Colley_, I wish I was a Shilling +for your sake, why so, said the other, because then, cry'd the Laureat, +I should be sure _you loved me_. + + 53. Lord _C----by_ coming out of the House of Lords one Day, called +out, where's my _Fellow_! Not in _England_, by G--d, said a Gentleman, +who stood by. + + 54. A Beggar asking Alms under the Name of a poor Scholar, a Gentleman +to whom he apply'd himself, ask'd him a Question in _Latin_, the +Fellow, shaking his Head, said he did not understand him: Why, said the +Gentleman, did you not say you were a _poor Scholar_? _Yes_, reply'd +the other, _a poor one indeed, Sir, for I don't understand one Word of_ +Latin. + + 55. Several Years ago when Mrs. _Rogers_ the Player, was young and +handsome, Lord _North_, and _Grey_, remarkable for his homely Face, +accosting her one Night behind the Scenes, ask'd her with a Sigh, what +was a _Cure for Love_? Your _Lordship_, said she, the best I know in +the World. + + 56. Colonel ----, who made the fine Fire-Works Works in St. _James's +Square_, upon the Peace of _Reswick_, being in Company with some +Ladies, was highly commending the Epitaph just then set up in the Abbey +on Mr. _Purcel's_ Monument, + + He _is gone to that Place were only his own_ Harmony _can be + exceeded_. + +Lord, Colonel, said one of the Ladies, the same Epitaph might serve for +you, by altering one Word only: + + _He is gone to that Place, where only his own_ Fire-Works _can + be exceeded_. + + 57. Poor _Joe Miller_ happening one Day to be caught by some of his +Friends in a familiar Posture with a Cook Wench, almost as ugly as +_Kate Cl--ve_, was very much rallied by them for the Oddness of his +Fancy. Why look ye, said he, Gentleman, altho' I am not a very young +Fellow, I have a good Constitution, and am not, I thank Heaven, reduced +yet to _Beauty_ or _Brandy_ to whet my Appetite. + + 58. Lady _N----_, who had but a very homely Face, but was extremely +well shaped, and always near about the Legs and Feet, was tripping one +Morning over the _Park_ in a Mask; and a Gentleman followed her for a +long while making strong Love to her, he called her his _Life_, his +_Soul_, his _Angel_, and begged with abundance of Earnestness, to have +a Glimpse of her Face; at last when she came on the other Side of the +Bird-Cage Walk, to the House she was going into, she turned about and +pulling off her Mask: Well, Sir, said she, what is it you would have +with me? The Man at first Sight of her Face, drew back, and lifting up +his Hands, O! _Nothing!_ Madam, _Nothing_, cry'd he; I cannot say, said +my Lady, but I like your Sincerity, tho' I hate your Manners. + + 60. Sir _B--ch--r W----y_, in the Beginning of Queen _Anne_'s Reign, and +three or four more drunken Tories, reeling home from the _Fountain-Tavern_ +in the _Strand_, on a _Sunday_ Morning, cry'd out, we are the pillars +of the Church, no, by G--d, said a Whig, that happened to be in their +Company, you can be but the _Buttresses_, for you never come on the +Inside of it. + + 61. After the Fire of _London_, there was an Act of Parliament to +regulate the Buildings of the City, every House was to be _three +Stories_ high, and there were to be no _Balconies_ backwards: A +_Gloucestershire_ Gentleman, a Man of great Wit and Humour, just after +this Act passed, going along the Street, and seeing a little crooked +Gentlewoman, on the other Side of the Way, he runs over to her in great +haste, Lord, Madam, said he, how dare you to walk the Streets thus +publickly? Walk the Streets! why not! answered the little Woman. +Because said he, you are built directly contrary to Act of Parliament, +you are but two Stories high, and your _Balcony_ hangs over your +House-of-Office. + + 62. One Mr. _Topham_ was so very tall, that if he was living now, +he might be shewn at _Yeate's_ Theatre for a Sight, this Gentleman +going one Day to enquire for a Countryman a little Way out of Town, +when he came to the House, he looked in at a little Window over the +Door, and ask'd the Woman, who sat by the Fire, if her Husband was at +Home. No, Sir, said she, but if you please to _alight_ and come in, +I'll go and call him. + + 63. The same Gentleman walking across _Covent-Garden_, was asked +by a Beggar-Woman, for an Half-penny or Farthing, but finding he would +not part with his Money, she begg'd for Christ's-Sake, he would give +her one of his old _Shoes_; he was very desirous to know what she could +do with one Shoe, to make my Child a _Cradle_, Sir, said she. + + 64. King _Charles_ II. having ordered a Suit of Cloaths to be made, +just at the Time when Addresses were coming up to him, from all Parts +of the Kingdom, _Tom Killigrew_ went to the Taylor, and ordered him to +make a very large Pocket on one Side of the Coat, and one so small on +the other, that the King could hardly get his Hand into it, which +seeming very odd, when they were brought home, he ask'd the Meaning of +it, the Taylor said, Mr. _Killigrew_ order'd it so; _Kelligrew_ being +sent for, and interrogated, said, one Pocket was for the _Addresses_ of +his Majesty's Subjects, the other for the _Money_ they would give him. + + 65. My Lord _B----e_, had married three Wives that were all his +Servants, a Beggar-Woman, meeting him one Day in the Street, made him a +very low Curtesy, Ah, God Almighty bless your Lordship, said she, and +send you a long Life, if you do but live long enough, we shall be all +_Ladies_ in Time. + + 66. Dr. _Tadloe_, who was a very fat Man, happening to go thump, +thump, with his great Legs, thro' a Street, in _Oxford_, where some +Paviers had been at Work, in the Midst of _July_, the Fellows +immediately laid down their Rammers, Ah! God bless you, Master, cries +one of 'em, it was very kind of you to come this Way, it saves us a +great deal of Trouble this hot Weather. + + 67. An Arch-Wagg of St. _John_'s College, asked another of the same +College, who was a great _Sloven_, why he would not read a certain +Author called _Go-Clenius_. + + 68. _Swan_, the famous Punster of _Cambridge_, being a Nonjuror, upon +which Account he had lost his Fellowship, as he was going along the +_Strand_, in the Beginning of King _William_'s Reign, on a very rainy +Day, a Hackney-Coachman called to him, Sir, won't you please to take +Coach, it _rains_ hard: Ay, Friend, said he, but this is no _Reign_ for +me to take Coach in. + + 69. When _Oliver_ first coined his Money, an old Cavalier looking +upon one of the new Pieces, read the Inscriptions, on one Side was _God +with us_, on the other, _The Commonwealth of_ England; I see, said he, +God and the _Commonwealth_ are on _different_ Sides. + + 70. Colonel _Bond_ who had been one of King _Charles_ the +First's Judges, dy'd a Day or two before _Oliver_, and it was +strongly reported every where that _Cromwell_ was dead; No, said a +Gentleman, who knew better, he has only given _Bond_ to the Devil +for his farther Appearance. + + 71. Mr. Serjeant _G--d--r_, being _lame_ of one Leg; and pleading +before Judge _For--e_, who has little or no _Nose_, the Judge told him +he was afraid he had but a _lame_ Cause of it: Oh! my Lord, said the +Serjeant, have but a little Patience, and I'll warrant I prove every +Thing as plain as the _Nose_ on your Face. + + 72. A Gentleman eating some Mutton that was very tough, said, it put +him in Mind of an old _English_ Poet: Being asked who that was; +_Chau--cer_, replied he. + + 73. A certain _Roman-Catholick_ Lord, having renounced the _Popish_ +Religion, was asked not long after, by a Protestant Peer, _Whether the +Ministers of the_ State, or _Ministers of the_ Gospel _had the greatest +Share in his Conversion_: To whom he reply'd, that when he renounced +_Popery_ he had also renounced auricular _Confession_. + + 74. _Michael Angelo_, in his Picture of the last Judgment, in the +Pope's Chappel, painted among the Figures in _Hell_, that of a certain +_Cardinal_, who was his Enemy, so like, that everybody knew it at first +Sight: Whereupon the Cardinal complaining to Pope _Clement_ the +Seventh, of the Affront, and desiring it might be defaced: You know +very well, said the Pope, I have Power to deliver a Soul out of +_Purgatory_ but not out of _Hell_. + + 75. A Gentleman being at Dinner at a Friend's House, the first Thing +that came upon the Table was a Dish of Whitings, and one being put upon +his Plate, he found it stink so much that he could not eat a Bit of it, +but he laid his Mouth down to the Fish, as if he was whispering with +it, and then took up the Plate and put it to his own Ear; the +Gentleman, at whose Table he was, enquiring into the meaning, he told +him he had a Brother lost at Sea, about a _Fortnight ago_, and he was +asking that Fish if he knew any thing of him; and what Answer made he, +said the Gentleman, he told me, said he, he could give no Account of +him, for he had not been at Sea these _three Weeks_. + +I would not have any of my Readers apply this Story, as an unfortunate +Gentleman did, who had heard it, and was the next Day whispering a Rump +of Beef at a Friend's House. + + 76. An _English_ Gentleman happening to be in _Brecknockshire_, he used +sometimes to divert himself with shooting, but being suspected not to +be qualified by one of the little _Welch_ Justices, his Worship told +him, that unless he could produce his Qualification, he should not +allow him to shoot there, and he had _two little Manors_; yes, Sir, +said the _Englishman_, every Body may perceive that, perceive what, +cry'd the _Welchman?_ That you have _too little Manners_, said the +other. + + 77. The Chaplain's Boy of a Man of War, being sent out of his own Ship +of an Errand to another; the two Boys were conferring Notes about their +Manner of living; how often, said one, do you go to _Prayers_ now, why, +answered the other, in Case of a _Storm_, or any Danger; ay, said the +first, there's some Sense in that, but my Master makes us _pray_ when +there is no more Occasion for it, than for my leaping over-board. + + 78. Not much unlike this Story, is one a Midshipman told one Night, in +Company with _Joe Miller_ and myself, who said, that being once in +great Danger at Sea, every body was observed to be upon their Knees, +but one Man, who being called upon to come with the rest of the Hands +to _Prayers_, not I, said he, it is your Business to take Care of the +Ship I am but a _Passenger_. + + 79. Three or four roguish Scholars walking out one Day from the +University of _Oxford_, spied a poor Fellow near _Abingdon_, asleep in +a Ditch, with an Ass by him, loaded with Earthen-Ware, holding the +Bridle in his Hand, says one of the Scholars to the rest, if you'll +assist me, I'll help you to a little Money, for you know we are bare at +present; no doubt of it they were not long consenting; why then, said +he, we'll go and sell this old Fellow's Ass at _Abingdon_, for you know +the Fair is To-morrow, and we shall meet with Chapmen enough; therefore +do you take the Panniers off, and put them upon my Back, and the Bridle +over my Head, and then lead you the Ass to Market, and let me alone +with the Old Man. This being done accordingly, in a little Time after +the poor Man awaking, was strangely surprized to see his Ass thus +metamorphosed; Oh! for God's-sake, said the Scholar, take this Bridle +out of my Mouth, and this Load from my Back. Zoons, how came you here, +reply'd the old Man, why, said he, my Father, who is a great +Necromancer, upon an idle Thing I did to disoblige him, transformed me +into an Ass, but now his Heart has relented, and I am come to my own +Shape again, I beg you will let me go Home and thank him; by all Means, +said the Crockrey Merchant, I don't desire to have any Thing to do with +Conjuration, and so set the Scholar at Liberty, who went directly to +his Comrades, that by this Time were making merry with the Money they +had sold the Ass for: But the old Fellow was forced to go the next Day, +to seek for a new one in the _Fair_, and after having look'd on +several, his own was shewn him for a very good one, O, Ho! said he, +_what have he and his Father quarrelled again already_? No, no, I'll +have nothing to say to him. + + 80. Mr. _Congreve_ going up the Water, in a Boat, one of the Watermen +told him, as they passed by _Peterborough_ House, that that House had +_sunk a Story_; no, Friend, said he, I rather believe it is a _Story +raised_. + + 81. The foresaid House, which is the very last in _London_ one Way, +being rebuilt, a Gentleman asked another, who lived in it? his Friend +told him Sir _Robert Grosvenor_; I don't know, said the first, what +Estate Sir _Robert_ has, but he ought to have a very good one, for no +body _lives beyond him in the whole Town_. + + 82. Two Gentlemen disputing about Religion, in _Button's Coffee-House_, +said one of them, I wonder, Sir, you should talk of Religion, when I'll +hold you five Guineas you can't say the _Lord's Prayer_, done, said the +other, and Sir _Richard Steele_ shall hold Stakes. The Money being +deposited, the Gentleman began with, _I believe in God_, and so went +cleverly thro' the _Creed_; well, said the other, I own I have lost; _I +did not think he could have done it_. + + 83. A certain Author was telling Dr. _Sewel_, that a Passage he found +fault with in his Poem, might be justify'd, and that he thought it +a _Metaphor_; it is such a one, said the Doctor, as truly I never +_Met-a-fore_. + + 84. A certain Lady at _Whitehall_, of great Quality but very little +Modesty, having sent for a Linnen Draper to bring her some _Hollands_, +as soon as the young Fellow enter'd the Room, O! Sir, said she, I find +you're a Man fit for Business, for you no sooner look a Lady in the +Face, but you've your _Yard_ in one Hand, and are lifting up the Linnen +with the other. + + 85. A Country Farmer going cross his Grounds in the Dusk of the +Evening, spy'd a young Fellow and a Lass, very busy near a five Bar +Gate, in one of his Fields, and calling to them to know what they were +about, said the young Man, no Harm, Farmer, we are only going to +_Prop-a-Gate_. + + 86. King _Henry_ VIII. designing to send a _Nobleman_ on an Embassy +to _Francis_ I. at a very dangerous Juncture, he begg'd to be excused, +saying such a threatening Message, to so hot a Prince as _Francis_ I. +might go near to cost him his Life. Fear not, said old _Harry_, if the +_French_ King should offer to take away your Life, I would revenge you +by taking off the _Heads_ of many _Frenchmen_ now in my Power: _But of +all those Heads_, reply'd the Nobleman, _there may not be one to fit my +Shoulders_. + + 87. A Parson preaching a tiresome Sermon on _Happiness_ or _Bliss_; +when he had done, a Gentleman told him, he had forgot one Sort of +Happiness: _Happy are they that did not hear your Sermon_. + + 88. A Country-Fellow who was just come to _London_, gaping about in +every Shop he came to, at last looked into a Scrivener's, where seeing +only one Man sitting at a Desk, he could not imagine what Commodity was +sold there, but calling to the Clerk, pray, Sir, said he, what do you +sell here? _Loggerheads_, cry'd the other, _do you_, answer'd the +Countryman, _Egad then you've a special Trade, for I see you have but +one left_. + + 89. _Manners_, who was himself but lately made Earl of _Rutland_, +told Sir _Thomas Moor_, he was too much elated by his Preferment, +that he verify'd the old Proverb, + + _Honores mutant Mores_. + +No, my Lord, said Sir _Thomas_, the _Pun_ will do much better in +_English_: + + _Honours change_ MANNERS. + + 90. A Nobleman having chose a very illiterate Person for his Library +Keeper, one said it was like _a Seraglio kept by an Eunuch_. + + 91. A Mayor of _Yarmouth_, in ancient Times, being by his Office a +Justice of the Peace, and one who was willing to dispense the Laws +wisely, tho' he could hardly read, got him the Statute-Book, where +finding a Law against _firing a Beacon_, or causing any _Beacon_ to be +fired, after nine of the Clock at Night, the poor Man read it _frying +of Bacon, or causing any Bacon to be fryed_; and accordingly went out +the next Night upon the _Scent_, and being directed by his _Nose_, to +the Carrier's House, he found the Man and his Wife both _frying of +Bacon_, the Husband holding the Pan while the Wife turned it: Being +thus caught in the Fact, and having nothing to say for themselves, his +Worship committed them both to Jail, without Bail or Mainprize. + + 92. The late facetious Mr. _Spiller_, being at the Rehearsal, on a +_Saturday_ Morning, the Time when the Actors are usually paid, was +asking another, whether Mr. _Wood_, the Treasurer of the House, had +any Thing to say to them that Morning; no, faith, _Jemmy_, reply'd +the other, I'm afraid there's no Cole, which is a cant Word for +Money; by G--d, said _Spiller_, if there is no _Cole_ we must burn +_Wood_. + + 93. A witty Knave coming into a Lace-Shop upon _Ludgate-Hill_, said, +he had Occasion for a small Quantity of very fine Lace, and having +pitched upon that he liked, asked the Woman of the Shop, how much she +would have, for as much as would reach from one of his Ears to the +other, and measure which Way she pleased, either over his Head or under +his Chin; after some Words, they agreed, and he paid the Money down, +and began to measure, saying, _One of my Ears is here, and the other is +nailed to the Pillory in_ Bristol, _therefore, I fear you have not +enough to make good your Bargain; however, I will take this Piece in +part, and desire you will provide the rest with all Expedition_. + + 94. When Sir _Cloudsly Shovel_ set out on his last Expedition, there +was a Form of Prayer, composed by the Archbishop of _Canterbury_, for +the Success of the Fleet, in which his Grace made Use of this unlucky +Expression, that he begged God would be a _Rock_ of Defence to the +Fleet, which occasioned the following Lines to be made upon the +Monument, set up for him, in _Westminster-Abbey_, he being cast away +in that Expedition, on the Rocks call'd, the _Bishop and his Clerks_. + + _As_ Lambeth _pray'd, such was the dire Event, + Else had we wanted now this Monument; + That God unto our Fleet would be a Rock, + Nor did kind Heav'n, the wise Petition mock; + To what the_ Metropolitan _said then, + The_ Bishop and his Clerks _reply'd_, Amen. + + 95. A _French_ Marquis being once at Dinner at _Roger Williams's_, +the famous Punster and Publican, and boasting of the happy Genius of +his Nation, in projecting all the fine Modes and Fashions, particularly +the _Ruffle_, which he said, _was de fine Ornament to de Hand, and had +been followed by all de oder Nations_: _Roger_, allowed what he said, +but observed, at the same Time, that the English, according to Custom, +had made a great Improvement upon their Invention, _by adding the Shirt +to it_. + + 96. A poor dirty Shoe-Boy going into a Church, one _Sunday_ Evening, +and seeing the Parish-Boys standing in a Row, upon a Bench to be +catechized, he gets up himself, and stands in the very first Place, +so the Parson of Course beginning with him, asked him, _What is your +Name_? _Rugged_ and _Tough_, answered he, _who gave you that Name_? +says Domine: _Why the Boys in our Alley_, reply'd poor _Rugged_ and +_Tough, Lord d--mn them_. + + 97. A Prince laughing at one of his Courtiers whom he had employed in +several Embassies, told him, he looked like an _Owl_. I know not, +answered the Courtier, what I look like; but this I know, that I have +had the Honour several Times to represent your _Majesty's Person_. + + 98. A _Venetian_ Ambassador going to the Court of _Rome_, passed +through _Florence_, where he went to pay his Respects to the late +Duke of _Tuscany_. The Duke complaining to him of the Ambassador +the State of _Venice_ had sent him, as a Man unworthy of his Publick +Character; _Your Highness_, said he, _must not wonder at it, for we +have many Idle Pates, at_ Venice. _So have we_, reply'd the Duke, +in Florence; _but we don't send them to treat of Publick Affairs_. + + 99. A Lady's Age happening to be questioned, she affirmed, she was +but _Forty_, and call'd upon a Gentleman that was in Company for his +Opinion; Cousin, said she, do you believe I am in the Right, when I say +I am but _Forty_? I ought not to dispute it, Madam, reply'd he, for I +have heard you say so _these ten Years_. + +100. It being proved in a Trial at _Guild-Hall_, that a Man's Name was +really _Inch_, who pretended that it was _Linch_, I see, said the +Judge, the old Proverb is verified in this Man, who being allowed an +_Inch_ took an _L_. + +101. A certain Person came to a Cardinal in _Rome_, and told him that +he had brought his Eminence a dainty white _Palfrey_, but he fell lame +by the Way; saith the Cardinal to him, I'll tell thee what thou shalt +do, go to such a Cardinal, and such a one, naming half a Dozen, and +tell them the same, and so as thy Horse, if it had been _sound_, could +have pleas'd but _one_, with this _lame Horse_ thou shalt please half a +Dozen. + +102. A prodigal Gallant (whose penurious Mother being lately dead, had +left him a plentiful Estate) one Day being on his Frolicks, quarrell'd +with his Coachman, and said, you damn'd Son of a Whore, I'll kick you +into Hell; to which the Coachman answer'd, _if you kick me into Hell, +I'll tell your Mother how extravagantly you spend your Estate here upon +Earth_. + +103. The Emperor _Augustus_, being shewn a young _Grecian_, who very +much resembled him, asked the young Man if his _Mother_ had not been at +_Rome_: No, Sir, answer'd the _Grecian_ but my _Father_ has. + +104. _Cato_ the Censor being ask'd, how it came to pass, that he had no +Statue erected for him, who had so well deserved of the Common-Wealth? +I had rather, said he, have this Question asked, than _why I had one_. + +105. A Lady coming into a Room hastily, with her _Mantua_, brush'd down +a _Cremona_ Fiddle, that lay on a Chair, and broke it, upon which a +Gentleman that was present burst into this Exclamation from _Virgil_: + + _Mantua væ miseræ nimium Vicina Cremona._ + + _Ah miserable_ Mantua _too near a Neighbour to_ Cremona. + +106. A devout Gentleman, being very earnest in his Prayers, in the +Church, it happened that a Pick-Pocket being near him, stole away his +_Watch_, who having ended his Prayers, mist it, and complained to his +Friend, that his _Watch_ was lost, while he was at Prayers; to which +his friend reply'd, _Had you watch'd as well as pray'd, your Watch had +been secure, adding these following Lines_. + + _He that a Watch will wear, this must he do, + Pocket his Watch, and watch his Pocket too._ + +107. _George Ch----n_, who was always accounted a very blunt Speaker, +asking a young Lady one Day, what it was o'Clock, and she telling him +her Watch _stood_, I don't wonder at that, Madam, said he, when it is +so near your ----. + +108. A modest Gentlewoman being compelled by her Mother to accuse her +Husband of Defect, and being in the Court, she humbly desired of the +Judge, that she might write her Mind, and not be obliged to speak it, +for Modesty's sake; the Judge gave her that Liberty, and a Clerk was +immediately commanded to give her Pen, Ink, and Paper, whereupon she +took the Pen without dipping it into the Ink, and made as if she would +write; says the Clerk to her, Madam, there is no Ink in your Pen. +_Truly, Sir_, says she, _that's just my Case, and therefore I need not +explain myself any further_. + +109. A Lieutenant Colonel to one of the _Irish_ Regiments, in the +_French_ Service, being dispatched by the Duke of _Berwick_, from _Fort +Kehl_, to the King of _France_, with a Complaint, relating to some +Irregularities, that had happened in the Regiment; his _Majesty_, with +some Emotion of Mind, told him, _That the_ Irish _Troops gave him more +Uneasiness than all his Forces besides_. _Sir_, (says the Officer) _all +your Majesty's Enemies make the same Complaint_. + +110. Mr. _G----n_, the Surgeon being sent for to a Gentleman, who had +just received a slight Wound in a Rencounter, gave Orders to his +Servant to go Home with all haste imaginable, and fetch a certain +Plaister; the Patient turning a little Pale, Lord, Sir, said he, _I +hope there is no Danger_. _Yes, indeed is there_, answered the Surgeon, +_for if the Fellow don't set up a good pair of Heels, the Wound will +heal before he returns_. + +111. Not many Years ago, a certain Temporal Peer, having in a most +pathetick and elaborate Speech, exposed the Vices and Irregularities of +the Clergy, and vindicated the Gentlemen of the Army from some +Imputations unjustly laid upon them: A Prelate, irritated at the +Nature, as well as the Length of the Speech, _desired to know when the +Noble Lord would leave off preaching_. The other answer'd, _The very +Day he was made a Bishop_. + +112. It chanc'd that a Merchant Ship was so violently tossed in a Storm +at Sea that all despairing of Safety, betook themselves to Prayer, +saving one Mariner, who was ever wishing to see two _Stars_: Oh! said +he, that I could but see two Stars, or but one of the Two, and of these +Words he made so frequent Repetition, that, disturbing the Meditations +of the rest, at length one asked him, what two Stars, or what one Star +he meant? To whom he reply'd, _O! that I could but see the Star in +Cheapside, or the Star in_ Coleman-street, _I care not which_. + +113. A Country Fellow subpoeena'd for a Witness upon a Trial on an +Action of Defamation, he being sworn, the Judge had him repeat the very +same Words he had heard spoken; the Fellow was loath to speak, but +humm'd and haw'd for a good Space, but being urged by the Judge, he at +last spoke, _My Lord_, said he, _You are a Cuckold_: The Judge seeing +the People begin to laugh, called to him, and had him speak to the +_Jury, there were twelve of them_. + +114. A Courtier, who was a Confident of the Amours of _Henry_ IV. of +_France_, obtained a Grant from the King, for the Dispatch whereof he +applyed himself to the Lord High Chancellor: Who finding some Obstacle +in it, the Courtier still insisted upon it, and would not allow of any +Impediment, _Que chacun se mêle de son Metier_, said the Chancellor to +him; that is, _Let every one meddle with his own Business_. The +Courtier imagining he reflected upon him for his pimping; _my +Employment_, said he, _is such, that, if the King were twenty Years +younger I would not exchange it for three of your's_. + +115. A Gentlewoman, who thought her Servants always cheated her, when +they went to _Billingsgate_ to buy Fish, was resolved to go thither one +Day herself, and asking the Price of some Fish, which she thought too +dear, she bid the Fish-Wife about half what she asked; Lord, Madam, +said the Woman, I must have stole it to sell it at that Price, but you +shall have it if you will tell me what you do to make your Hands look +so white; Nothing, good Woman, answered the Gentlewoman, but wear +_Dog-Skin Gloves_: D--mn you for a lying Bitch, reply'd the other, my +Husband has wore _Dog-Skin Breeches_ these ten Years, and his A--se is +as brown as a Nutmeg. + +116. Dr. _Heylin_, a noted Author, especially for his _Cosmography_, +happened to lose his Way going to _Oxford_, in the Forest of +_Whichwood_: Being then attended by one of his Brother's Men, the Man +earnestly intreated him to lead the Way; but the Doctor telling him he +did not know it: _How!_ said the Fellow, _that's very strange that you, +who have made a Book of the whole World, cannot find the Way out of +this little Wood_. + +117. Monsieur _Vaugelas_ having obtained a Pension from the _French_ +King, by the Interest of Cardinal _Richelieu_, the Cardinal told him, +he hoped he would not forget the Word _Pension_ in his Dictionary. No, +my Lord, said _Vaugelas_, nor the Word _Gratitude_. + +118. A melting Sermon being preached in a Country Church, all fell a +weeping but one Man, who being asked, why he did not weep with the +rest? O! said he, _I belong to another Parish_. + +119. A Gentlewoman growing big with Child, who had two Gallants, one of +them with a wooden Leg, the Question was put, which of the two should +father the Child. He who had the wooden Leg offer'd to decide it thus. +_If the Child_, said he, _comes into the World with a wooden Leg, I +will father it, if not, it must be your's_. + +120. A Gentleman who had been out a shooting brought home a small Bird +with him, and having an _Irish_ Servant, he ask'd him, if he had shot +that little Bird, yes, he told him; Arrah! by my Shoul, Honey, reply'd +the _Irish_ Man, it was not worth Powder and Shot, for this little +Thing would have _died in the Fall_. + +121. The same _Irishman_ being at a Tavern where the Cook was dressing +some Carp, he observed that some of the Fish moved after they were +gutted and put in the Pan, which very much surprizing Teague, well, +now, faith, said he, _of all the Christian Creatures that ever I saw, +this same Carp will live the longest after it is dead_. + +122. A Gentleman happening to turn up against an House to make Water, +did not see two young Ladies looking out of a Window close by him, +'till he heard them giggling, then looking towards them, he asked, what +made them so merry? O! Lord, Sir, said one of them, _a very little +Thing_ will make us laugh. + +123. A Gentleman hearing a Parson preach upon the Story of the Children +being devoured by the two _She Bears_, who reviled the old Man, and not +much liking his Sermon; some Time after seeing the same Parson come +into the Pulpit to preach at another Church: O ho! said he, _What are +you here with your_ Bears _again_. + +124. A young Fellow riding down a steep Hill, and doubting that the +Foot of it was boggish, call'd out to a Clown that was ditching, and +ask'd him, if it was hard at the Bottom: Ay, ay, answered the +Countryman, it's hard enough at the Bottom I'll warrant you: But in +half a Dozen Steps the Horse sunk up to the Saddle Skirts, which made +the young Gallant whip, spur, curse and swear, why thou Whoreson +Rascal, said he, to the Ditcher, did'st thou not tell me it was hard at +Bottom? _Ay_, reply'd the other, _but you are not half Way to the +Bottom yet_. + +125. It was said of one who remembered every Thing that he lent, but +quite forgot what he borrowed, _That he had lost half his Memory_. + +126. One speaking of _Titus Oats_, said, he was a Villain in Grain, and +deserved to be well _threshed_. + +127. It was said of _Henry_, Duke of _Guise_, that he was the greatest +Usurer in all _France_, for he had turned all his Estate into +_Obligations_, meaning, he had sold and mortgaged his Patrimony, to +make Presents to other Men. + +128. An _Englishman_ and a _Welchman_ disputing in whose Country was +the best Living, said the _Welchman_, there is such noble Housekeeping +in _Wales_, that I have known above a Dozen Cooks employ'd at one +Wedding Dinner; Ay, answered the _Englishman_, that was because every +Man _toasted his own Cheese_. + +129. The late Sir _Godfrey Kneller_, had always a very great Contempt, +I will not pretend to say how justly, for _J----s_ the Painter, and +being one Day about twenty Miles from _London_, one of his Servants +told him at Dinner, that there was Mr. _J----s_ come that Day into the +same Town with a Coach and four: Ay, said Sir _Godfrey_, but if his +Horses _draw_ no better than himself, they'll never carry him to Town +again. + +130. Some Women speaking of the Pains of Childbirth, for my Part, said +one of them, it is less Trouble to me, than to swallow a Poach'd Egg: +Then sure, Madam, answer'd another, your _Throat_ is very narrow. + +131. A Gentleman asked _Nanny Rochford_, why the Whigs, in their +Mourning for Queen _Anne_, all wore Silk Stockings: Because, said she, +the Tories _were worsted_. + +132. A Counsellor pleading at the Bar with Spectacles on, who was blind +with one Eye, said, he would produce nothing but what was _ad Rem_, +then said one of the adverse Party, _You must take out one Glass of +your Spectacles, which I am sure is of no Use_. + +133. The famous _Tom Thynn_, who was remarkable for his good +Housekeeping and Hospitality, standing one Day at his Gate in the +Country, a Beggar coming up to him, cry'd, he begg'd his Worship would +give him a Mugg of his _Small Beer_: Why how now, said he, what Times +are these! _when Beggars must be Choosers_. I say, bring this Fellow a +Mugg of _Strong Beer_. + +134. It was said of a Person, who always eat at _other Peoples Tables_, +and was a great _Railer_, that he never opened _his Mouth_ but to some +Body's Cost. + +135. Pope _Sixtus Quintus_, who was a poor Man's Son, and his Father's +House ill thatched, so that the Sun came in at many Places of it, would +himself make a Jest of his Birth, and say, _that he was_, Nato di Casa +illustre, _Son of an illustrious House_. + +136. _Diogenes_ begging, as was the Custom among many Philosophers, +asked a _prodigal Man_ for more than any one else: Whereupon one said +to him, _I see your Business, that when you find a liberal Mind, you +will take most of him_: _No_, said _Diogenes, but I mean to beg of the +rest again_. + +137. Dr. _Sewel_, and two or three Gentlemen, walking towards +_Hampstead_ on a Summer's Day, were met by the famous _Daniel Purcel_, +who was very importunate with them to know upon what Account they were +going there; the Doctor merrily answering him, _to make Hay_; Very +well, reply'd the other, you'll be there at a very convenient Season, +the Country wants _Rakes_. + +138. A Gentleman speaking of his Servant, said, _I believe I command +more than any Man, for before my Servant will obey me in one Thing, I +must command him ten Times over_. + +139. A poor Fellow that was carrying to Execution had a Reprieve just +as he came to the Gallows, and was carried back by a Sheriff's Officer, +who told him, he was a happy Fellow, and asked him, if he knew nothing +of the Reprieve before-hand; no, reply'd the Fellow, nor thought any +more of it, than I did of my _Dying Day_. + +140. A _Spanish_ Lady reading, in a _French_ Romance, a long +Conversation betwixt two Lovers; _What a deal of Wit_, said she, _is +here thrown away, when two Lovers are got together, and no Body by_? + +141. A Countryman admiring the stately Fabrick of St. _Paul's_, ask'd, +_whether it was made in_ England, or _brought from beyond Sea_? + +142. _Fabricus_ the _Roman_ Consul, shew'd a great Nobleness of Mind, +when the Physician of King _Pyrrhus_ made him a Proposal to poison his +Master, by sending the Physician back to _Pyrrhus_, with these Words; +_Learn, O King! to make a better Choice of thy_ Friends _and of thy_ +Foes. + +143. A Lady, who had generally a pretty many Intrigues upon her Hands, +not liking her Brother's extravagant Passion for Play, asked him, when +he designed to leave off _Gaming_; when you cease _Loving_, said he; +then reply'd the Lady, _you are like to continue a Gamester as long as +you live_. + +144. A Soldier was bragging before _Julius Cæsar_, of the Wounds he had +received in his Face; _Cæsar_, knowing him to be a Coward, told him, he +had best take heed, the next Time he ran away, _how he look'd back_. + +145. The _Trojans_ sending Ambassadors to condole with _Tiberius_ upon +the Death of his Father-in-Law _Augustus_, it was so long after, that +the Emperor hardly thought it a Compliment, but told them he was +likewise sorry _that they had lost so valiant a Knight_ as Hector, who +was slain above a thousand Years before. + +146. _Cato Major_ used to say, _That wise Men learned more from_ Fools, +_than_ Fools _from wise Men_. + +147. A _Braggadochio_ chancing, upon an Occasion, to run away full +Speed, was asked by one, what was become of that Courage he used so +much to talk of, it is got, said he, _all into my Heels_. + +148. Somebody asked my Lord _Bacon_ what he thought of _Poets_, why, +said he, I think them the very best Writers next to those who write in +Prose. + +149. A Profligate young Nobleman, being in Company with some sober +People, desired leave to toast the _Devil_; the Gentleman who sat next +him, said, he had no Objection to any of his Lordship's Friends. + +150. A _Scotsman_ was very angry with an _English_ Gentleman, who, he +said, had abused him, and called him _false Scot_; Indeed, said the +_Englishman_, I said no such Thing, but that you were a _true Scot_. + +151. The late Commissary-General _G--ley_, who once kept a Glass Shop, +having General _P--c--k's_ Regiment under a Muster, made great +Complaints of the Men's Appearance, &c. and said, _that the Regiment +ought to be broke: Then, Sir_, said the Colonel, _perhaps you think a +Regiment is as soon broke as a Looking-Glass_. + +152. _C----ll_, the Bookseller, being under Examination, at the Bar of +the House of Lords, for publishing the Posthumous Works of the late +Duke of _Buckingham_, without Leave of the Family, told their Lordships +in his Defence, _That if the Duke was_ living, _he was sure he would +readily pardon the Offence_. + +153. A Gentleman said of a young Wench, who constantly ply'd about the +_Temple_, that if she had as much Law in her _Head_, as she had had in +her _Tail_, she would be one of the ablest _Counsel_ in _England_. + +154. _J--ck K----s_, the Painter, having finish'd a very good Picture +of _Figg_ the Prize-Fighter, who had been famous for getting the better +of several _Irishmen_ of the same Profession, the Piece was shewn to +old _J----n_, the Player, who was told at the same Time, that Mr. +_E----s_ designed to have a Mezzo-tinto Print taken from it, but wanted +a Motto to be put under it: Then said old _J----n_, I'll give you one: +_A Figg for the Irish_. + +155. Some Gentlemen going into a noted Bawdy-House Tavern at +_Charing-Cross_, found great Fault with the Wine, and sending for the +Master of the House, told him, it was sad Stuff, and very _weak_: It +may be so, said he, for my Trade don't depend upon the _Strength_ of my +_Wine_, but on that of my Tables and Chairs. + +156. A Gentleman coming to an Inn in _Smithfield_, and seeing the +Hostler expert and tractable about the Horses, asked, _how long he had +lived there_? And _What Countryman he was_? _I'se Yerkshire_, said the +Fellow, _an ha'_ lived _Sixteen Years here_. I wonder reply'd the +Gentleman, that in so long a Time, so clever a Fellow as you seem to +be, have not come to be Master of the Inn yourself. Ay, said the +Hostler, _But Maister's Yerkshire_ too. + +157. The late Colonel _Chartres_, reflecting on his ill Life and +Character, told a certain Nobleman, that if such a Thing as a good Name +was to be purchased, he would freely give 10,000 Pounds for one; the +Nobleman said, _it would certainly be the worst Money he ever laid out +in his Life_. Why so, said the honest Colonel, _because_, answered my +Lord, _you would forfeit it again in less than a Week_. + +158. A seedy [poor] half-pay Captain, who was much given to blabbling +every thing he heard, was told, there was but one Secret in the World +he could keep, and that was _where he lodged_. + +159. _Jack M----n_, going one Day into the Apartments at St. _James's_, +found a Lady of his Acquaintance sitting in one of the Windows, who +very courteously asked him, to sit down by her, telling him there was a +_Place, No, Madam_, said he, _I don't come to Court for a Place_. + +If the gentle Reader should have a Desire to repeat this Story let him +not make the same Blunder that a certain _English-Irish foolish_ Lord +did, who made the Lady ask _Jack_ to sit down by her, telling him there +was _room_. + +160. A certain Lady of Quality sending her _Irish_ Footman to fetch +Home a Pair of new Stays, strictly charged him to take a Coach if it +rained for fear of wetting them: But a great Shower of Rain falling, +the Fellow returned with the Stays dropping wet, and being severely +reprimanded for not doing as he was ordered, he said, he had obey'd his +Orders; how then, answered the Lady, could the Stays be wet, if you +took them into the Coach with you? _No_, replyed honest Teague, _I knew +my Place better, I did not go into the Coach, but rode_ behind _as I +always used to do_. + +161. _Tom Warner_, the late Publisher of News Papers and Pamphlets, +being very near his End, a Gentlewoman in the Neighbourhood sending her +Maid to enquire how he did, he had the girl tell her Mistress, _that he +hoped he was going to the_ New-Jerusalem; _Ah, dear Sir_, said she, _I +dare say the Air of_ Islington _would do you more good_. + +162. A Person said the _Scotch_ were certainly the best trained up for +Soldiers of any People in the World, for they began to _handle their +Arms_ almost as soon as they were born. + +163. A Woman once prosecuted a Gentleman for a Rape: Upon the trial, +the Judge asked if she made any Resistance, _I cry'd out, an please you +my Lord_, said she: _Ay_, said one of the Witnesses, _but that was Nine +Months after_. + +164. A young Lady who had been married but a short Time, seeing her +Husband going to rise pretty early in the Morning, said, _What, my +Dear, are you getting up already? Pray, lie_ a little longer and rest +yourself. _No, my Dear_, reply'd the Husband, _I'll get up and rest +myself_. + +165. The Deputies of _Rochel_, attending to speak with _Henry_ the +Fourth of _France_, met with a Physician who had renounced the +Protestant Religion, and embrac'd the Popish Communion, whom they began +to revile most grievously. The King hearing of it, told the Deputies, +he advis'd them to change their Religion, _for it is a dangerous +Symptom_, says he, _that your religion is not long-liv'd, when a +Physician has given it over_. + +166. Two _Oxford_ Scholars meeting on the Road with a _Yorkshire_ +Ostler, they fell to bantering the Fellow, and told him, they could +prove him a Horse, an Ass, and I know not what; and I, said the Ostler, +can prove your Saddle to be me a _Mule_: A _Mule!_ cried one of them, +how can that be? because, said the Ostler, it is something between a +_Horse_ and an _Ass_. + +167. A _Frenchman_ travelling between _Dover_ and _London_, came into +an Inn to lodge, where the Host perceiving him a close-fisted Cur, +having called for nothing but a Pint of Beer and a Pennyworth of Bread +to eat with a Sallad he had gathered by the Way, resolved to fit him +for it, therefore seemingly paid him an extraordinary Respect, laid him +a clean Cloth for Supper, and complimented him with the best Bed in the +House. In the Morning he set a good Sallad before him, with Cold Meat, +Butter, _&c_., which provok'd the Monsieur to the Generosity of calling +for half a Pint of Wine; then coming to pay, the Host gave him a Bill, +which, for the best Bed, Wine, Sallad, and other Appurtenances, he had +enhanc'd to the Value of twenty Shillings. _Jernie_, says the +_Frenchman_, Twenty Shillings! _Vat you mean?_ But all his sputtering +was in vain; for the Host with a great deal of Tavern-Elocution, made +him sensible that nothing could be 'bated. The Monsieur therefore +seeing no Remedy but Patience, seem'd to pay it chearfully. After which +he told the Host, that his House being extremely troubled with Rats, he +could give him a Receipt to drive 'em away, so as they should never +return again. The Host being very desirous to be rid of those +troublesome Guests, who were every Day doing him one Mischief or other, +at length concluded to give Monsieur twenty Shillings for a Receipt; +which done, _Beggar_, says the Monsieur, _you make a de Rat one such +Bill as you make me, and if ever dey trouble your House again, me will +be hang_. + +168. A young Gentleman playing at Questions and Commands with some very +pretty young Ladies, was commanded to take off a Garter from one of +them; but she, as soon as he had laid hold of her Petticoats, ran away +into the next Room, where was a Bed, now, Madam, said he, I _bar_ +squeaking, _Bar_ the Door, you Fool, cry'd she. + +169. A _Westminster_ Justice taking Coach in the City, and being set +down at _Young Man's_ Coffee-house, _Charing-Cross_, the Driver +demanded Eighteen-Pence as his Fare; the Justice asked him, if he would +swear that the Ground came to the Money; the Man said, he would take +his Oath on't. The Justice replyed, _Friend, I am a Magistrate_, and +pulling a Book out of his Pocket, administer'd the Oath, and then gave +the Fellow _Six-pence_, saying _he must reserve the Shilling to himself +for the_ Affidavit. + +170. A Countryman passing along the _Strand_ saw a Coach overturn'd, +and asking what the Matter was? He was told, that three or four Members +of Parliament were overturned in that Coach: Oh, says he, there let +them lie, _my Father always advis'd me not to meddle with State +Affairs_. + +171. One saying that Mr. _Dennis_ was an excellent Critick, was +answered, that indeed his Writings were much to be valued; for that by +his Criticism he taught Men how to write well, and by his Poetry, +shew'd 'em what it was to write ill; so that the World was sure to +edify by him. + +172. One going to see a Friend who had lain a considerable Time in the +_Marshalsea_ Prison, in a Starving Condition, was persuading him, +rather than lie there in that miserable Case, to go to Sea; which not +agreeing with his high Spirit, _I thank you for your Advice_, replies +the Prisoner, _but if I go to Sea, I'm resolv'd it shall be upon good +Ground_. + +173. A Drunken Fellow carrying his Wife's Bible to pawn for a Quartern +of Gin, to an Alehouse, the Man of the House refused to take it. What a +Pox, said the Fellow, will neither my Word, nor the Word of G--d pass? + +174. A certain Justice of Peace, not far from _Clerkenwell_, in the +first Year of King _George_ I. when his Clerk was reading a Mittimus to +him, coming to _Anno Domini_ 1714, cry'd out, with some warmth, and +_why not Georgeo Domini, sure, Sir, you forget yourself strangely_. + +175. A certain Noblem--, a Cour--r, in the Beginning of the late Reign, +coming out of the H--se of L--ds, accosts the Duke of _B--ham_, with, +_How does your Pot boil, my Lord, these troublesome Times?_ To which +his Grace replied, I never go into my Kitchen, but I dare say the _Scum +is uppermost_. + +176. A little dastardly half-witted 'Squire, being once surpriz'd by +his Rival in his Mistress's Chamber, of whom he was terribly afraid, +desir'd for God's Sake to be conceal'd; but there being no Closet or +Bed in the Room, nor indeed any Place proper to hold him, but an +_India_ Chest the Lady put her Cloathes in, they lock'd him in there. +His Man being in the same Danger with himself, said, rather than fail, +he cou'd creep under the Maid's Petticoats: _Oh, you silly Dog_, says +his Master, _that's the commonest Place in the House_. + +177. The Lord _N----th_ and _G----y_, being once at an Assembly at the +_Theatre-Royal_ in the _Hay-Market_, was pleas'd to tell Mr. +_H--d--gg--r_, he wou'd make him a Present of 100_l._ if he could +produce an uglier Face in the whole Kingdom than his, the said +_H--d--gg--r_'s, within a Year and a Day: Mr. _H--d--gg--r_ went +instantly and fetch'd a Looking-Glass, and presented it to his +Lordship, saying, _He did not doubt but his Lordship had Honour enough +to keep his Promise_. + +178. A young Fellow praising his Mistress before a very amorous +Acqaintance of his, after having run thro' most of her Charms, he came +at Length to her Majestick Gate, fine Air, and delicate slender Waist: +_Hold_, says his Friend, _go no lower, if you love me_; but by your +Leave, says the other, _I hope to go lower if she loves me_. + +179. A Person who had an unmeasurable Stomach, coming to a Cook's Shop +to dine, said, it was not his Way to have his Meat cut, but to pay +8_d._ for his _Ordinary_; which the Cook seem'd to think reasonable +enough, and so set a Shoulder of Mutton before him, of half a Crown +Price, to cut where he pleas'd; with which he so play'd the Cormorant, +that he devour'd all but the Bones, paid his _Ordinary_, and troop'd +off. The next Time he came, the Cook casting a Sheep's Eye at him, +desired him to agree for his Victuals, for he'd have no more +_Ordinaries_. Why, a Pox on you, says he, _I'm sure I paid you an_ +Ordinary _Price_. + +180. The extravagant Duke of _Buckingham [Villars]_ once said in a +melancholy Humour, he was afraid he should _die a Beggar_, which was +the most terrible Thing in the World; upon which a Friend of his +Grace's replyed, No, my Lord, there is a more terrible Thing than that, +and which you have Reason to fear, and that is, _that you'll live a +Beggar_. + +181. The same Duke another Time was making his Complaint to Sir _John +Cutler_, a rich Miser, of the Disorder of his Affairs, and asked him, +what he should do to prevent the Ruin of his Estate? _Live as I do, my +Lord_, said Sir _John: That I can do_, answered the Duke, _when I am_ +ruined. + +182. At another Time, a Person who had long been a Dependant on his +Grace, begged his Interest for him at Court, and to press the Thing +more home upon the Duke, said, _He had no Body to depend on but God and +his Grace; then_, says the Duke, _you are in a miserable Way, for you +could not have pitch'd upon any two Persons who have less Interest at +Court_. + +183. The old Lord _Strangford_ taking a Bottle with the Parson of the +Parish, was commending his own Wine: _Here, Doctor_, says he, _I can +send a couple of Ho--Ho--Ho--Hounds to_ France (for his Lordship had an +Impediment in his Speech) _and have a Ho--Ho--Ho--Hogshead of this +Wi--Wi--Wi--Wine for 'em; What do you say to that, Doctor? Why_, I say, +_your Lordship has your Wine-Dog-cheap_. + +184. The famous _Jack Ogle_ of facetious Memory, having borrow'd on +Note five Pounds and failing the Payment, the Gentleman who had lent +it, indiscreetly took Occasion to talk of it in the Publick +Coffee-house which oblig'd _Jack_ to take Notice of it, so that it came +to a Challenge. Being got into the Field, the Gentleman a little tender +in Point of Courage, offer'd him the Note to make the Matter up; to +which our Hero consented readily, and had the Note delivered: _But +now_, said the Gentleman, _If we should return without fighting, our +Companions will laugh at us; therefore let's give one another a slight +Scar, and say we wounded one another; with all my Heart_, says _Jack; +Come, I'll wound you first_; so drawing his Sword, he whipt it thro' +the fleshy Part of his Antagonist's Arm, 'till he brought the very +Tears in his Eyes. This being done, and the Wound ty'd up with a +Handkerchief; Come, says the Gentleman, _now where shall I wound you_? +_Jack_ putting himself in a fighting Posture, cried, _Where you can, +B----d Sir; Well, well_, says the other, _I can swear I received this +Wound of you_, and so march'd off contentedly. + +185. A Traveller at an Inn once on a very cold Night, stood so near the +Fire that he burnt his Boots: An arch Rogue that sat in the +Chimney-Corner, call'd out to him, _Sir, you'll burn your Spurs +presently_: _My Boots you mean, I suppose_: _No Sir,_ says he, _they +are burnt already_. + +186. In Eighty-Eight, when Queen _Elizabeth_ went from _Temple-Bar_ +along _Fleet-street_, on some Procession, the Lawyers were rang'd on +one Side of the Way, and the Citizens on the other; says the Lord +_Bacon_, then a Student, to a Lawyer, that stood next him, _Do but +observe the Courtiers; if they bow first to the Citizens, they are in +Debt; if to us, they are in Law_. + +187. Some Gentlemen having a Hare for Supper at the Tavern, the Cook, +instead of a Pudding, had cramm'd the Belly full of _Thyme_, but had +not above half roasted the Hare, the Legs being almost raw; which one +of the Company observing said, _There was too much Thyme, or Time, in +the Belly, and too little in the Legs._ + +188. Two Countrymen who had never seen a Play in their Lives, nor had +any Notion of it, went to the Theatre in _Drury-Lane_, when they placed +themselves snug in the Corner of the Middle-Gallery; the first Musick +play'd, which they lik'd well enough; then the Second, and the Third to +their great Satisfaction: At Length the Curtain drew up, and three or +four Actors enter'd to begin the Play; upon which one of them cry'd to +the other, _Come_, Hodge, _let's be going, ma'haps the Gentlemen are +talking about Business_. + +189. A Countryman sowing his Ground, two smart Fellows riding that Way, +call'd to him with an insolent Air: _Well, honest Fellow_, says one of +them, _'tis your Business to sow, but we reap the Fruits of your +Labour_; to which the plain Countryman reply'd, _'Tis very likely you +may, truly, for I am sowing_ Hemp. + +190. Two inseparable Comrades, who rode in the Guards in _Flanders_, +had every Thing in common between them. One of them being a very +extravagant Fellow, and unfit to be trusted with Money, the other was +always Purse-bearer, which yet he gain'd little by, for the former +would at Night frequently pick his Pocket to the last _Stiver_; to +prevent which he bethought himself of a Stratagem, and coming among his +Companions the next Day, he told them _he had bit his Comrade_. _Ay, +how?_ says they. _Why_, says he, _I hid my Money in his own Pocket last +Night, and I was sure he would never look for it there_. + +191. The famous Sir _George Rook_, when he was a Captain of _Marines_, +quarter'd at a Village where he buried a pretty many of his Men: At +length the Parson refus'd to perform the Ceremony of their Internment +any more, unless he was paid for it, which being told Captain _Rook_, +he ordered Six Men of his Company to carry the Corpse of the Soldier, +then dead, and lay him upon the Parson's Hall-Table. This so embarass'd +the Parson, that he sent the Captain Word, _If he'd fetch the Man away, +he'd bury him and his whole Company for nothing_. + +192. A reverend and charitable Divine, for the Benefit of the Country +where he resided, caused a large Causeway to be begun: As he was one +Day overlooking the Work, a certain Nobleman came by, _Well_, Doctor, +says he, _for all your great Pains and Charity, I don't take this to be +the Highway to Heaven: Very true, my Lord_, replied the Doctor, _for if +it had, I shou'd have wondered to have met your Lordship here_. + +193. Two Jesuits having pack'd together an innumerable Parcel of +miraculous Lies, a Person who heard them, without taking upon him to +contradict them, told 'em one of his own: That at St. _Alban_'s, there +was a Stone Cistern, in which Water was always preserv'd for the Use of +that Saint; and that ever since, if a Swine shou'd eat out of it, he +wou'd instantly die: The Jesuits, hugging themselves at the Story, set +out the next Day to St. _Alban_'s, where they found themselves +miserably deceived: On their Return, they upbraided the Person with +telling them so monstrous a Story; _Look ye there now_, said he, _you +told me a hundred Lies t'other Night, and I had more Breeding than to +contradict you, I told you but one, and you have rid twenty Miles to +confute me, which is very uncivil_. + +194. A _Welchman_ and an _Englishman_ vapouring one Day at the +Fruitfulness of their Countries; the _Englishman_ said, there was a +Close near the Town where he was born, which was so fertile, that if a +_Kiboo_ was thrown in over Night, it would be so cover'd with Grass, +that 'twould be difficult to find it the next Day; _Splut_, says the +_Welchman, what's that_? _There's a Close where hur was born, where you +may put your Horse in over Night, and not be able to find him next +Morning._ + +195. A Country Fellow in King _Charles_ the IId's. Time, selling his +Load of Hay in the _Haymarket_, two Gentlemen who came out of the +_Blue-Posts_, were talking of Affairs; one said, that Things did not go +right, the King had been at the House and prorogued the Parliament. The +Countryman coming Home, was ask'd what News in _London_? _Odsheart_, +says he, _there's something to do there; the King, it seems, has_ +berogued _the Parliament sadly_. + +196. A wild young Gentleman having married a very discreet, virtuous +young Lady; the better to reclaim him, she caused it to be given out at +his Return, that she was dead, and had been buried: In the mean Time, +she had so plac'd herself in Disguise, as to be able to observe how he +took the News; and finding him still the same gay inconstant Man he +always had been, she appear'd to him as the Ghost of herself, at which +he seemed not at all dismay'd: At length disclosing herself to him, he +then appear'd pretty much surpriz'd: a Person by said, _Why, Sir, you +seem more afraid now than before; Ay_, replied he, _most Men are more +afraid of a living Wife, than a dead one_. + +197. An under Officer of the Customs at the Port of _Liverpool_, +running heedlessly along a Ship's Gunnel, happened to tip over-board, +and was drown'd; being soon after taken up, the Coroner's Jury was +summoned to sit upon the Body. One of the Jury-Men returning home, was +call'd to by an Alderman of the Town, and ask'd what Verdict they +brought in, and whether they found it _Felo de se: Ay, ay_, says the +Jury-Man shaking his Noddle, _he fell into the Sea, sure enough_. + +198. One losing a Bag of Money of about 50_l._ between _Temple-Gate_ +and _Temple-Bar_, fix'd a Paper up, offering 10_l._ Reward to those who +took it up, and should return it: Upon which the Person that had it +came and writ underneath to the following Effect, _Sir, I thank you, +but you bid me to my Loss_. + +199. Two brothers coming to be executed once for some enormous Crime; +the Eldest was first turn'd off, without saying one Word: The other +mounting the Ladder, began to harangue the Crowd, whose Ears were +attentively open to hear him, expecting some Confession from him, _Good +People_, says he, _my Brother hangs before my Face, and you see what a +lamentable_ Spectacle _he makes; in a few Moments, I shall be turned +off too, and then you'll see a Pair of_ Spectacles. + +200. It was an usual saying of King _Charles_ II. _That Sailors get +their Money like Horses, and spent it like Asses_; the following Story +is somewhat an instance of it: One Sailor coming to see another on +Pay-day, desired to borrow twenty Shillings of him; the money'd Man +fell to telling out the Sum in Shillings, but a Half-Crown thrusting +its Head in, put him out, and he began to tell again, but then an +impertinent Crown-piece was as officious as it's half Brother had been, +and again interrupted the Tale; so that taking up a Handful of Silver, +he cry'd, _Here_, Jack, _give me a Handful when your Ship's paid, what +a Pox signifies counting it_. + +201. A Person enquiring what became of _such a One_? _Oh! dear_, says +one of the Company, _poor fellow, he dy'd insolvent, and was buried by +the Parish: Died in solvent_, crys another, _that's a Lie, for he died +in_ England, _I'm sure I was at his Burying_. + +202. A humorous Countryman having bought a Barn, in Partnership with a +Neighbour of his, neglected to make the least Use of it, whilst the +other had plentifully stor'd his Part with Corn and Hay: In a little +Time the latter came to him, and conscientiousily expostulated with him +upon laying out his Money so fruitlessly: _Pray Neighbour_, says he, +_ne'er trouble your Head, you may do what you will with your Part of +the Barn, but I'll set mine o' Fire_. + +203. An _Irishman_ whom King _Charles_ II. had some Esteem for, being +only an inferior Servant of the Household, one Day coming into the +King's Presence, his Majesty ask'd him how his Wife did, who had just +before been cut for a _Fistula_ in her Backside. _I humbly thank your +Majesty_, replied Teague, _she's like to do well, but the Surgeon says, +it will be an Eye-Sore as long as she lives_. + +204. A young Gentlewoman who had married a very wild Spark, that had +run through a plentiful Fortune, and was reduced to some Streights, was +innocently saying to him one Day, _My Dear, I want some Shifts sadly_. +_Shifts, Madam_, replies he, _D---- me, how can that be, when we make +so many every Day?_ + +205. A Fellow once standing in the Pillory at _Temple-Bar_, it +occasioned a Stop, so that a Carman with a Load of Cheeses had much ado +to pass, and driving just up to the Pillory, he asked what that was +that was writ over the Person's Head: They told him, it was a Paper to +signify his Crime, that he stood for _Forgery_: Ay, says he, what is +_Forgery_? They answered him, that _Forgery_ was counterfeiting +another's Hand, with Intent to cheat People: To which the Carman +replied, looking up at the Offender, Ah, Pox! this comes of your +Writing and Reading, you silly Dog. + +206. Master _Johnny_ sitting one Summer's Evening on the Green with his +Mother's Chamber-maid, among other little Familiarities, as kissing, +pressing her Bubbies and the like, took the Liberty unawares to satisfy +himself whereabouts she ty'd her Garters, and by an unlucky Slip went +farther than he should have done: At which the poor Creature blushing, +cry'd, _Be quiet, Mr._ John, _I'll throw this Stone at your Head, +else_. _Ay, Child_, says he, _and I'll fling two at your Tail if you +do_. + +207. When the Prince of _Orange_ came over, Five of the Seven Bishops +who were sent to the Tower declar'd for his Highness, and the other Two +would not come into Measures; upon which Mr. _Dryden_ said, _that the_ +seven Golden Candlesticks _were sent to be essay'd in the_ Tower, _and +five of them prov'd_ Prince'_s Metal_. + +208. A Dog coming open-mouth'd at a Serjeant upon a March, he run the +Spear of his Halbert into his Throat and kill'd him: The Owner coming +out rav'd extreamly that his Dog was kill'd, and ask'd the Serjeant, +_Why, he could not as well have struck at him with the blunt End of his +Halbert?_ _So I would_, says he, _if he had run at me with his Tail_. + +209. King Charles the IId. being in Company with the Lord _Rochester_, +and others of the Nobility, who had been drinking the best Part of the +Night, _Killegrew_ came in; Now, says the King, we shall hear of our +Faults: _No, Faith_, says _Killegrew, I don't care to trouble my Head +with that which all the Town talks of_. + +210. A rich old Miser finding himself very ill, sent for a Parson to +administer the last Consolation of the Church to him: Whilst the +Ceremony was performing, old _Gripewell_ falls into a Fit; on his +Recovery the Doctor offered the Chalice to him; _Indeed_, crys he, _I +can't afford to lend you above twenty Shillings upon't, I can't upon my +Word_. + +211. A Person who had a chargeable Stomach, used often to asswage his +Hunger at a Lady's Table, having one Time or other promis'd to help her +to a Husband. At length he came to her, _Now Madam_, says he, _I have +brought you a Knight, a Man of Worship and Dignity, one that will +furnish out a Table well_. _Phoo_, says the Lady, _your Mind's ever +running on your Belly_; _No_, says he, _'tis sometimes running o'yours +you see_. + +212. One, who had been a very termagant Wife, lying on her Death-bed, +desired her Husband, _That as she had brought him a Fortune she might +have Liberty to make her Will, for bestowing a few Legacies to her +Relations: No, by G--d, Madam_, says he, _You had your Will, all your +Life-time, and now I'll have mine_. + +213. When the Lord _Jefferies_, before he was a Judge, was pleading at +the Bar once, a Country Fellow giving Evidence against his Client, +push'd the Matter very home on the Side he swore of; _Jefferies_, after +his usual Way, call'd out to the Fellow, _Hark you, you Fellow in the +Leather-Doublet, what have you for swearing?_ To which the Countryman +smartly reply'd, _Faith, Sir, if you have no more for Lying than I have +for Swearing, you may go in a Leather Doublet too_. + +214. The same _Jefferies_ afterwards on the Bench, told an old Fellow +with a long Beard, that _he supposed he had a Conscience as long as his +Beard: Does your Lordship_, replies the old Man, _measure Consciences +by Beards? if so, your Lordship has no Beard at all._ + +215. _Apelles_, the famous Painter, having drawn the Picture of +_Alexander_ the Great on Horseback, brought it and presented it to that +Prince, but he not bestowing that Praise on it, which so excellent a +Piece deserv'd, _Apelles_ desired a living Horse might be brought; who +mov'd by Nature fell a prancing and neighing, as tho' it had actually +been his living Fellow-Creature; whereupon _Apelles_ told _Alexander, +his Horse understood Painting better than himself_. + +216. An old Gentleman who had married a fine young Lady, and being +terribly afraid of Cuckoldom, took her to Task one Day, and ask'd her, +if she had considered what a crying Sin it was in a Woman to cuckold +her Husband? _Lord, my Dear_, says she, _what d'ye mean? I never had +such a Thought in my Head, nor never will_: _No, no_, replied he, _I +shall have it in my Head, you'll have it some where else_. + +217. The late Lord _Dorset_, in a former Reign, was asking a certain +Bishop, _why he conferr'd Orders on so many Blockheads_. _Oh, my Lord_, +says he, 'tis better the Ground should be plowed _by Asses, than lie +quite untill'd_. + +218. A certain Lady, to excuse herself for a Frailty she had lately +fallen into, said to an intimate Friend of hers, _Lord, how is it +possible for a Woman to keep her Cabinet unpickt, when every Fellow has +got a Key to it_. + +219. Mr. _Dryden_, once at Dinner, being offered by a Lady the Rump of +a Fowl, and refusing it, the Lady said, Pray, Mr. _Dryden_, take it, +the Rump is the best Part of the _Fowl_; Yes, Madam, says he, and so I +think it is of the _Fair_. + +220. A Company of Gamesters falling out at a Tavern, gave one another +very scurvy Language: At length those dreadful Messengers of Anger, the +Bottles and Glasses flew about like Hail-Shot; one of which mistaking +it's Errand, and hitting the Wainscot, instead of the Person's Head it +was thrown at, brought the Drawer rushing in, who cry'd, _D'ye call +Gentlemen?_ _Call Gentlemen_, says one of the Standers by; _no they +don't call_ Gentlemen, _but they call one another_ Rogue _and_ Rascal, +_as fast as they can_. + +221. An amorous young Fellow making very warm Addresses to a marry'd +Woman, _Pray, Sir, be quiet_, said she, _I have a Husband that won't +thank you for making him a Cuckold_: _No Madam_, reply'd he, _but you +will I hope_. + +222. One observing a crooked Fellow in close Argument with another, who +would have dissuaded him from some inconsiderable Resolution; said to +his Friend, _Prithee, let him alone, and say no more to him, you see +he's_ bent _upon it_. + +223. Bully _Dawson_ was overturned in a Hackney-Coach once, pretty near +his Lodgings, and being got on his Legs again, he said, 'Twas the +greatest Piece of Providence that ever befel him, for it had saved him +the Trouble of bilking the Coachman. + +224. A vigorous young Officer, who made Love to a Widow, coming a +little unawares upon her once, caught her fast in his Arms. _Hey day_, +say she, _what do you fight after the_ French _Way: take Towns before +you declare War?_ No, faith, Widow says he, but I should be glad to +imitate them so far, to be in the Middle of the Country before you +could resist me. + +225. Sir _Godfrey Kneller_, and the late Dr. _Ratcliffe_, had a Garden +in common, but with one Gate: Sir _Godfrey_, upon some Occasion, +ordered the Gate to be nail'd up; when the Doctor heard of it, he said, +_He did not Care what Sir_ Godfrey _did to the Gate, so he did not +paint it_. This being told Sir _Godfrey_, he replied, _He would take +that, or any Thing from his good Friend, the Doctor, but his Physick_. + +226. The same Physician, who was not the humblest Man in the World, +being sent for by Sir _Edward Seymour_, who was said to be the +proudest; the Knight received him, while he was dressing his Feet and +picking his Toes, being at that Time troubled with a _Diabetis_, and +upon the Doctor's entering the Room, accosted him in this Manner, _So +Quack_, said he, _I'm a dead Man, for I piss sweet_; _Do ye_, replied +the Doctor, _then prithee piss upon your Toes, for they stink +damnably_: And so turning round on his Heel went out of the Room. + +227. A certain worthy Gentleman having among his Friends the Nickname +of _Bos_, which was a Kind of Contraction of his real Name, when his +late Majesty conferred the Honour of Peerage upon him, a Pamphlet was +soon after published with many sarcastical Jokes upon him, and had this +Part of a Line from _Horace_ as a Motto, _viz._ + + ----_Optat Ephippia Bos_---- + +My Lord asked a Friend, who could read _Latin_, what that meant? It is +as much as to say, my Lord, said he, that you become _Honours as a Sow +does a Saddle_. O! very fine, said my Lord: Soon after another Friend +coming to see him, the Pamphlet was again spoken of, I would, said my +Lord, give five hundred Pounds to know the Author of it. I don't know +the Author of the Pamphlet, said his Friend, but I know who wrote the +Motto; Ay, cry'd my Lord, _prithee who was it? Horace_, answered the +other: _How_, replied his Lordship, _a dirty Dog, that his Return for +all the Favours I have done him and his Brother_. + +228. A wild Gentleman having pick'd up his own Wife for a Mistress, the +Man, to keep his Master in Countenance, got to Bed to the Maid too. In +the Morning, when the Thing was discovered, the Fellow was obliged, in +Attonement for his Offence, to make the Girl amends by marrying her; +_Well_, says he, _little did my Master and I think last Night, that we +were robbing our own Orchards_. + +229. One seeing a kept Whore, who made a very great Figure, ask'd, what +Estate she had? _Oh_, says another, _a very good Estate in_ Tail. + +230. In the great Dispute between _South_ and _Sherlock_, the former, +who was a great Courtier, said, His Adversary reasoned well, but he +Bark'd like a Cur: To which the other reply'd, That Fawning was the +Property of a Cur, as well as Barking. + +231. Second Thoughts, we commonly say, are best; and young Women who +pretend to be averse to Marriage, desire not to be taken at their +Words. One asking a Girl, _if she would have him?_ _Faith, no_, John, +says she, _but you may have me if you will_. + +232. A Gentleman lying on his Death-Bed, called to his Coachman, who +had been an old Servant, and said, _Ah!_ Tom, _I'm going a long rugged +Journey, worse than ever you drove me? Oh, dear Sir_, reply'd the +Fellow (he having been but an indifferent Master to him), _ne'er let +that discourage you, for it is all down Hill_. + +233. An honest bluff Country Farmer, meeting the Parson of the Parish +in a By-Lane, and not giving him the Way so readily as he expected, the +Parson, with an erected Crest, told him, _He was better fed than +taught: Very likely indeed Sir_, reply'd the Farmer: _For you teach me +and I feed myself_. + +234. A famous Teacher of _Arithmetick_, who had long been married +without being able to get his Wife with Child: One said to her, Madam, +your Husband is an excellent _Arithmetician_. Yes, replies she, only he +can't _multiply_. + +235. One making a furious Assault upon a hot Apple-pye, burnt his Mouth +'till the Tears ran down; his Friend asked him, _Why he wept?_ _Only_, +says he, _'tis just come into my Mind, that my Grand-mother dy'd this +Day twelvemonth_: _Phoo!_ says the other, _is that all?_ So whipping a +large Piece into his Mouth, he quickly sympathiz'd with his Companion; +who seeing his Eyes brim full, with a malicious Sneer ask'd him, _why +he wept?_ _A Pox on you_, says he, _because you were not hanged the +same Day your Grand-mother dy'd_. + +236. A Lady who had married a Gentleman that was a tolerable Poet, one +Day sitting alone with him, she said, Come, my Dear, you write upon +other People, prithee write something for me; let me see what Epitaph +you'll bestow upon me when I die: Oh, my Dear, reply'd he, that's a +melancholy Subject, prithee don't think of it: Nay, upon my Life you +shall, adds she,----Come, I'll begin, + + ----_Here lies_ Bidd: + +To which he answer'd, _Ah! I wish she did_. + +237. A Cowardly Servant having been hunting with his Lord, they had +kill'd a wild Boar; the Fellow seeing the Boar stir, betook himself to +a Tree; upon which his Master call'd to him, and asked him, _what he +was afraid of the Boar's Gut's were out?_ _No matter for that_, says +he, _his Teeth are in_. + +238. One telling another that he had once so excellent a Gun that it +went off immediately upon a Thief's coming into the House, altho' it +wasn't charged: _How the Devil can that be?_ said t'other: _Because_, +said the First, _the Thief_ carry'd _it off, and what was worse, before +I had Time to_ charge _him with it_. + +239. Some Gentlemen coming out of a Tavern pretty merry, a Link-Boy +cry'd, _Have a Light, Gentlemen?_ _Light yourself to the Devil, you +Dog_, says one of the Company: _Bless you, Master_, reply'd the Boy, +_we can find the Way in the Dark; shall we light your Worship thither_. + +240. A Person was once try'd at _Kingston_ before the late Lord Chief +Justice _Holt_, for having two Wives, where one _Unit_ was to have been +the chief Evidence against him: After much calling for him, Word was +brought that they could hear nothing of him. _No_, says his Lordship, +_why then, all I can say, is, Mr._ Unit _stands for a_ Cypher. + +241. 'Tis certainly the most transcendent Pleasure to be agreeably +surpriz'd with the Confession of Love, from an ador'd Mistress. A young +Gentleman, after a very great Misfortune came to his Mistress, and told +her, He was reduc'd even to the want of five Guineas: To which she +replied, _I am glad of it with all my Heart_: Are you so, Madam, adds +he, suspecting her Constancy: Pray, why so? _Because_, says she, _I can +furnish you with five Thousand_. + +242. On a Publick Night of Rejoicing, when Bonefires and Illuminations +were made, some honest Fellows were drinking the King's Health and +Prosperity to _England, as long as the Sun and Moon endured_: Ay, says +one, and 500 Years after, _for I have put both my Sons Apprentices to a +Tallow-Chandler_. + +243. A young Fellow who had made an End of all he had, even to his last +Suit of Cloathes; one said to him, Now I hope, you'll own yourself a +happy Man, for you have made an End of all your Cares: How so, said the +Gentleman; _Because_, said the other, _you've nothing left to take care +of_. + +244. Some years ago, when his Majesty used to hunt frequently in +_Richmond-Park_, it brought such Crowds of People thither, that Orders +were given to admit none, when the King was there himself, but the +Servants of the Household. A fat Country Parson having, on one of these +Days a strong Inclination to make one of the Company, Captain _B-d-ns_, +promised to introduce him, but coming to the Gate, the Keepers would +have stopp'd him, by telling him, none but the Houshold were to be +admitted: Why, d--mn you, said the Captain, don't you know the +Gentleman? _He's his Majesty's Hunting-Chaplain_: Upon which the +Keepers asked Pardon, and left the reverend Gentleman to Recreation. + +245. The learned Mr. _Charles Barnard_, Serjeant Surgeon to Queen +_Anne_, being very severe upon _Parsons_ having _Pluralities_. A +reverend and worthy Divine heard him a good while with Patience, but at +length took him up with this Question, _Why do you Mr. Serjeant_ +Barnard _rail thus at_ Pluralities, _who have always so many_ +Sine-Cures _upon your own Hands_? + +246. Dr. _Lloyd_, Bishop of _Worcester_, so eminent for his +_Prophesies_, when by his Sollicitations and Compliance at Court, he +got removed from a poor _Welch_ Bishoprick to a rich _English_ one. A +reverend Dean of the Church said, _That he found his Brother_ Lloyd +_spelt Prophet with an_ F[2]. + + [2] Most of the Clergy follow this Spelling. + +247. A worthy old Gentleman in the Country, having employ'd an +Attorney, of whom he had a pretty good Opinion, to do some Law Business +for him in _London_, he was greatly surprized on his coming to Town, +and demanding his Bill of Law Charges, to find that it amounted to at +least three Times the Sum he expected; the honest Attorney assured +him, that there was no Article in his Bill, but what was _fair and +reasonable_: Nay, said the Country Gentleman, here is one of them I am +sure cannot be so, for you have set down three Shillings and four Pence +for going to _Southwark_, when none of my Business lay that Way; pray +what is the Meaning of that Sir; _Oh! Sir_, said he, _that was for +fetching the_ Chine _and_ Turkey _from the Carriers, that you sent me +for a_ Present, _out of the Country_. + + +_FINIS._ + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Joe Miller's Jests, by Elijah Jenkins + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 40127 *** |