Add files from ibiblio as of 2025-03-09 08:04:49HEADmain

6 files changed, 9 insertions, 3020 deletions

diff --git a/40127.txt b/40127-0.txt
index fa90ef6..e560725 100644
--- a/40127.txt
+++ b/40127-0.txt
@@ -1,36 +1,4 @@
-The Project Gutenberg EBook of Joe Miller's Jests, by Elijah Jenkins
-
-This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
-almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
-re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
-with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
-
-
-Title: Joe Miller's Jests
-       or, The Wits Vade-Mecum
-
-Author: Elijah Jenkins
-
-Release Date: July 2, 2012 [EBook #40127]
-
-Language: English
-
-Character set encoding: ASCII
-
-*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK JOE MILLER'S JESTS ***
-
-
-
-
-Produced by David Edwards and the Online Distributed
-Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This file was
-produced from images generously made available by The
-Internet Archive)
-
-
-
-
-
+*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 40127 ***
 
 Joe Miller's _JESTS_
 
@@ -842,7 +810,7 @@ I had rather, said he, have this Question asked, than _why I had one_.
 a _Cremona_ Fiddle, that lay on a Chair, and broke it, upon which a
 Gentleman that was present burst into this Exclamation from _Virgil_:
 
-    _Mantua vae miserae nimium Vicina Cremona._
+    _Mantua væ miseræ nimium Vicina Cremona._
 
     _Ah miserable_ Mantua _too near a Neighbour to_ Cremona.
 
@@ -916,7 +884,7 @@ _Jury, there were twelve of them_.
 _France_, obtained a Grant from the King, for the Dispatch whereof he
 applyed himself to the Lord High Chancellor: Who finding some Obstacle
 in it, the Courtier still insisted upon it, and would not allow of any
-Impediment, _Que chacun se mele de son Metier_, said the Chancellor to
+Impediment, _Que chacun se mêle de son Metier_, said the Chancellor to
 him; that is, _Let every one meddle with his own Business_. The
 Courtier imagining he reflected upon him for his pimping; _my
 Employment_, said he, _is such, that, if the King were twenty Years
@@ -1086,8 +1054,8 @@ he designed to leave off _Gaming_; when you cease _Loving_, said he;
 then reply'd the Lady, _you are like to continue a Gamester as long as
 you live_.
 
-144. A Soldier was bragging before _Julius Caesar_, of the Wounds he had
-received in his Face; _Caesar_, knowing him to be a Coward, told him, he
+144. A Soldier was bragging before _Julius Cæsar_, of the Wounds he had
+received in his Face; _Cæsar_, knowing him to be a Coward, told him, he
 had best take heed, the next Time he ran away, _how he look'd back_.
 
 145. The _Trojans_ sending Ambassadors to condole with _Tiberius_ upon
@@ -1848,361 +1816,4 @@ _FINIS._
 
 End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Joe Miller's Jests, by Elijah Jenkins
 
-*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK JOE MILLER'S JESTS ***
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+*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 40127 ***
diff --git a/40127-8.txt b/40127-8.txt
deleted file mode 100644
index ef88aa6..0000000
--- a/40127-8.txt
+++ /dev/null
@@ -1,2208 +0,0 @@
-The Project Gutenberg EBook of Joe Miller's Jests, by Elijah Jenkins
-
-This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
-almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
-re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
-with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
-
-
-Title: Joe Miller's Jests
-       or, The Wits Vade-Mecum
-
-Author: Elijah Jenkins
-
-Release Date: July 2, 2012 [EBook #40127]
-
-Language: English
-
-Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
-
-*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK JOE MILLER'S JESTS ***
-
-
-
-
-Produced by David Edwards and the Online Distributed
-Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This file was
-produced from images generously made available by The
-Internet Archive)
-
-
-
-
-
-
-Joe Miller's _JESTS_
-
-OR, THE
-
-WITS
-
-_VADE-MECUM_.
-
-BEING
-
-A Collection of the most Brilliant JESTS; the Politest
-REPARTEES; the most Elegant BONS MOTS, and most pleasant
-short Stories in the _English_ Language.
-
-First carefully collected in the Company, and many of them
-transcribed from the Mouth of the Facetious GENTLEMAN, whose
-Name they bear; and now set forth and published by his
-lamentable Friend and former Companion, _Elijah Jenkins_,
-Esq;
-
-Most Humbly INSCRIBED
-
-_To those_ CHOICE-SPIRITS _of the_ AGE,
-
-Captain BODENS, Mr. ALEXANDER POPE, Mr. Professor LACY, Mr.
-Orator HENLEY, and JOB BAKER, the Kettle-Drummer.
-
-
-_LONDON:_
-
-Printed and Sold by T. READ, in _Dogwell-Court, White-Fryars,
-Fleet-Street_, MDCCXXXIX.
-
-
-
-
-Transcriber's Note: Jest number 59 was omitted from the original text.
-
-
-
-
-JOE MILLER's _JESTS_.
-
-
-
-
-  1. The Duke of _A----ll_, who says more good Things than any Body,
-being behind the Scenes the First Night of the _Beggar's Opera_, and
-meeting _Cibber_ there, well _Colley_, said he, how d'you like the
-_Beggar's Opera_? Why it makes one laugh, my Lord, answer'd he, on the
-Stage; but how will it do in print. O! very well, I'll answer for it,
-said the Duke, if you don't write a Preface to it.[1]
-
-          [1] See _Cibber's_ Preface to _Provok'd Husband_.
-
-  2. There being a very great Disturbance one Evening at _Drury-Lane_
-Play-House, Mr. _Wilks_, coming upon the Stage to say something to
-pacify the Audience, had an Orange thrown full at him, which he having
-took up, making a low Bow, this is no _Civil Orange_, I think, said he.
-
-  3. Mr. _H--rr--n_, one of the Commissioners of the Revenue in
-_Ireland_, being one Night in the Pit, at the Play-House in _Dublin_,
-_Monoca Gall_, the Orange Girl, famous for her Wit and her Assurance,
-striding over his Back, he popp'd his Hands under her Petticoats: Nay,
-Mr. Commissioner, said she, you'll find no Goods there but what have
-been fairly entered.
-
-  4. _Joe Miller_ sitting one day in the Window at the _Sun-Tavern_ in
-_Clare-Street_, a Fish Woman and her Maid passing by, the Woman cry'd,
-_Buy my Soals; buy my Maids_: Ah, you wicked old Creature, cry'd honest
-_Joe_, _What are you not content to sell your own Soul, but you must
-sell your Maid's too?_
-
-  5. When the Duke of _Ormond_ was young, and came first to Court, he
-happen'd to stand next my Lady _Dorchester_, one Evening in the
-Drawing-Room, who being but little upon the Reserve on most Occasions,
-let a Fart, upon which he look'd her full in the Face and laugh'd.
-What's the Matter, my Lord, said she: Oh! I heard it, Madam, reply'd
-the Duke, you'll make a fine Courtier indeed, said she, if you mind
-every Thing you _hear_ in this Place.
-
-  6. A poor Man, who had a termagant Wife, after a long Dispute, in which
-she was resolved to have the last Word, told her, if she spoke one more
-_crooked_ Word, he'd beat her Brains out: Why then _Ram's Horns_, you
-Rogue, said she, if I die for't.
-
-  7. A Gentleman ask'd a Lady at _Tunbridge_, who had made a very
-large Acquaintance among the Beaus and pretty Fellows there, what she
-would do with them all. O! said she, they pass off like the Waters; and
-pray, Madam, reply'd the Gentleman do they all _pass_ the _same Way_?
-
-  8. An Hackney-Coachman, who was just set up, had heard that the Lawyers
-used to club their _Three-Pence_ a-piece, four of them, to go to
-_Westminster_, and being called by a Lawyer at _Temple-Bar_, who, with
-two others in their Gowns, got into his Coach, he was bid to drive to
-_Westminster-Hall_: but the Coachman still holding his Door open, as if
-he waited for more Company; one of the Gentlemen asked him, why he did
-not shut the Door and go on, the Fellow, scratching his Head, cry'd you
-know, Master, my Fare's a Shilling, I can't go for _Nine-Pence_.
-
-  9. Two Free-thinking Authors proposed to a Bookseller, that was a little
-decayed in the World, that if he would print their Works they would
-_set him up_, and indeed they were as good as their Word, for in six
-Week's Time he was in the _Pillory_.
-
- 10. A Gentleman was saying one Day at the _Tilt-Yard_ Coffee-House,
-when it rained exceeding hard, that it put him in Mind of the General
-_Deluge_; Zoons, Sir, said an old Campaigner, who stood by, who's that?
-I have heard of all the _Generals_ in _Europe_ but him.
-
- 11. A certain Poet and Player, remarkable for his Impudence and
-Cowardice, happening many Years ago to have a Quarrel with Mr.
-_Powell_, another Player, received from him a smart Box of the Ear; a
-few Days after the Poetical Player having lost his Snuff-Box, and
-making strict Enquiry if any Body had seen his _Box_; what said another
-of the Buskin'd Wits, _that_ which _George Powell_ gave you t'other
-Night?
-
- 12. _Gun Jones_, who had made his Fortune himself from a mean
-Beginning, happening to have some Words with a Person who had known him
-some Time, was asked by the other, how he could have the Impudence to
-give himself so many Airs to him, when he knew very well, that he
-remember'd him seven Years before with hardly a _Rag to his A--_. You
-lie, Sirrah, reply'd _Jones_, seven Years ago _I had nothing but Rags
-to my A--_.
-
- 13. Lord _R----_ having lost about fifty Pistoles, one Night, at
-the Gaming-Table in _Dublin_, some Friends condoling with him upon his
-ill Luck, Faith, said he, I am very well pleas'd at what I have done,
-for I have bit them, by G---- there is not one Pistole that don't want
-Six-Pence of Weight.
-
- 14. Mother _Needham_, about 25 Years age being much in Arrear with
-her Landlord for Rent, was warmly press'd by him for his Money, Dear
-Sir, said she, how can you be so pressing at this dead Time of the
-Year, in about six Weeks Time both the Par----, and the C--n--v--c--n
-will sit, and then Business will be so brisk, that I shall be able to
-pay ten Times the Sum.
-
- 15. A Lady being asked how she liked a Gentleman's Singing, who had a
-very _stinking Breath_, the Words are good, said she, but the _Air_ is
-intolerable.
-
- 16. The late Mrs. _Oldfield_ being asked if she thought Sir _W. Y._
-and Mrs. _H----n_, who had both stinking Breaths, were marry'd: I
-don't know, said she, whether they are marry'd; but I am sure there is
-a _Wedding_ between them.
-
- 17. A Gentleman saying something in Praise of Mrs. _G----ve_, who
-is, without Dispute, a good Player, tho' exceeding saucy and exceeding
-ugly; another said, her Face always put him in mind of _Mary-Bone
-Park_, being desired to explain himself, he said, it was vastly _rude_
-and had not one Bit of _Pale_ about it.
-
- 18. A pragmatical young Fellow sitting at Table over-against the learned
-_John Scot_, asked him what difference there was between _Scot_ and
-_Sot_: _Just the Breadth of the Table_, answered the other.
-
- 19. Another Poet asked _Nat Lee_ if it was not easy to write like a
-_Madman_, as he did: No, answered _Nat_, but it is easy to write like a
-_Fool_ as you do.
-
- 20. _Colley_, who, notwithstanding his _Odes_, has now and then said
-a good Thing, being told one Night by the late Duke of _Wharton_, that
-he expected to see him _hang'd_ or _beggar'd_ very soon, by G--d, said
-the Laureat, if I had your Grace's _Politicks_ and _Morals_ you might
-expect _both_.
-
- 21. Sir _Thomas More_, for a long Time had only Daughters, his Wife
-earnestly praying that they may have a Boy, at last they had a _Boy_,
-who when he came to Man's Estate, proved but simple; _thou prayedst so
-long for a Boy_, said Sir _Thomas_ to his Wife, _that at last thou hast
-got one who will be a Boy as long as he lives_.
-
- 22. The same Gentleman, when Lord Chancellor being pressed by the
-Counsel of the Party, for a _longer day_ to perform a Decree, said,
-_Take St._ Barnaby's _Day, the longest in the Year_; which happened to
-be the next Week.
-
- 23. This famous Chancellor, who preserved his Humour and his Wit to the
-last Moment, when he came to be executed on _Tower-Hill_, the Heads-man
-demanded his _upper Garment_ as his Fee; ay, Friend, said he, taking
-off his _Cap_, That I think is my _Upper-Garment_.
-
- 24. The Great _Algernoon Sidney_ seemed to shew as little Concern at
-his Death, he had indeed got some Friends to intercede with the King
-for a Pardon; but when he was told, that his Majesty could not be
-prevailed upon to give him his Life, but that in Regard to his ancient
-and noble Family, he would remit Part of his Sentence, and only have
-his Head cut off; nay, said he, if his Majesty is resolved to have my
-_Head_ he may make a Whistle of my _A----_ if he pleases.
-
- 25. Lady _C----g_ and her two Daughters having taken Lodgings at a
-Leather-Breeches Maker's in _Piccadilly_, the Sign of the _Cock_ and
-_Leather-Breeches_, was always put to the Blush when she was obliged
-to give any Body Direction to her Lodgings, the Sign being so odd a
-one; upon which my Lady, a very good Sort of Woman, sending for her
-Landlord, a jolly young Fellow, told him, she liked him and his
-Lodgings very well, but she must be obliged to quit them on Account of
-his Sign, for she was ashamed to tell any body what it was, O! dear
-Madam, said the young Fellow, I would do any Thing rather than lose so
-good Lodgers, I can easily alter my Sign; so I think, answered my Lady,
-and I'll tell you how you may satisfy both me and my Daughters: _Only
-take down your_ Breeches _and let your_ Cock _stand_.
-
- 26. When _Rablais_ the greatest Drole in _France_, lay on his Death-Bed,
-he could not help jesting at the very last Moment, for having received
-the extreme Unction, a Friend coming to see him, said, he hoped he was
-_prepared_ for the next World; Yes, yes, reply'd _Rablais_, I am ready
-for my Journey now, _they have just greased my Boots_.
-
- 27. _Henry_ the IVth, of _France_, reading an ostentatious Inscription
-on the Monument of a _Spanish_ Officer, _Here lies the Body of_ Don,
-&c., &c. _who never knew what Fear was_. _Then_ said the King, _he
-never snuffed a Candle with his Fingers_.
-
- 28. A certain Member of the _French_ Academy, who was no great Friend
-to the Abbot _Furetiere_, one Day took the Seat that was commonly used
-by the Abbot, and soon after having Occasion to speak, and _Furetiere_
-being by that Time come in; Here is a Place, said he, Gentlemen, from
-when I am likely to utter a thousand Impertinences: Go on, answered
-_Furetiere_, there's _one_ already.
-
- 29. When Sir _Richard Steele_ was fitting up his great Room, in
-_York-Buildings_, for publick Orations, that very Room, which is now so
-worthily occupied by the learned and eximious Mr. Professor _Lacy_. He
-happened at one Time to be pretty much behind Hand with his Workmen,
-and coming one Day among them to see how they went forward, he ordered
-one of them to get into the _Rostrum_, and make a Speech, that he might
-observe how it could be heard, the Fellow mounting, and scratching his
-Pate, told him he knew not what to say, for in Truth he was no Orator.
-Oh! said the Knight, no Matter for that, speak any thing that comes
-uppermost. Why here, Sir _Richard_, said the Fellow, we have been
-working for you these six Weeks, and cannot get one Penny of Money,
-pray, Sir, when do you design to pay us? Very well, very well, said Sir
-_Richard_, pray come down, I have heard enough, I cannot but own you
-speak very distinctly, tho' I don't admire your Subject.
-
- 30. A Country Clergyman meeting a Neighbour who never came to Church,
-altho' an old Fellow of above Sixty, he gave him some Reproof on that
-Account, and asked him if he never read at Home: No, replyed the Clown,
-I can't read; I dare say, said the Parson you don't know who made you;
-not I, in troth, said the Countryman. A little Boy coming by at the same
-Time, who made you, Child, cry'd the Parson, _God_, Sir, answered
-the Boy. Why look you there, quoth the honest Clergyman, are not you
-ashamed to hear a Child of five or six Years old tell me who made him,
-when you that are so old a Man can not: Ah, said the Countryman, it is
-no Wonder that he should remember, he was made but t'other Day, it is a
-great while, Master, sin I were made.
-
- 31. A certain reverend Drone in the Country was complaining to another,
-that it was a great Fatigue to preach twice a Day. Oh! said the other, I
-preach twice every _Sunday_, and _make nothing of it_.
-
- 32. One of the foresaid Gentlemen, as was his Custom, preaching most
-exceedingly dull to a Congregation not used to him, many of them slunk
-out of the Church one after another, before the Sermon was near ended.
-Truly, said a Gentleman present, this learned Doctor has made a very
-_moving_ Discourse.
-
- 33. Sir _William Davenant_, the Poet, had _no Nose_, who going along
-the Meuse one Day, a Beggar-Woman followed him, crying, ah! God
-preserve your _Eye-Sight_; Sir, the Lord preserve your _Eye-Sight_.
-Why, good Woman, said he, do you pray so much for my _Eye-Sight_? Ah!
-dear Sir, answered the Woman, if it should please God that you grow
-dim-sighted, you have no Place to hang your _Spectacles_ on.
-
- 34. A Welchman bragging of his Family, said, his Father's Effigies
-was set up in _Westminster-Abbey_, being ask'd whereabouts, he said
-in the same Monument with Squire _Thyne_'s for he was his Coachman.
-
- 35. A Person was saying, not at all to the Purpose, that really
-_Sampson_, was a very strong Man; Ay, said another, but you are
-much stronger, for you make nothing of lugging him by the Head and
-Shoulders.
-
- 36. My Lord _Strangford_, who stammered very much, was telling a
-certain Bishop that sat at his Table, that _Balaam_'s Ass spoke because
-he was Pri----est---- Priest-rid, Sir, said a Valet-de-Chambre, who
-stood behind his Chair, my Lord would say. No, Friend, reply'd the
-Bishop, _Balaam_ could not speak himself, and so his _Ass_ spoke for
-him.
-
- 37. The same noble Lord ask'd a Clergy-man once, at the Bottom of
-his Table, why the _Goose_, if there was one, was always plac'd next
-the _Parson_. Really, said he, I can give no Reason for it; but your
-Question is so odd, that I shall never see a _Goose_ for the future
-without thinking of your _Lordship_.
-
- 38. A Gentleman was asking another how that poor Devil _S----ge_
-could live, now my Lord _T----l_ had turn'd him off. Upon his Wits
-said the other; _That is living upon a slender Stock indeed_,
-reply'd the First.
-
- 39. A Country Parson having divided his Text under two and twenty
-Heads, one of the Congregation went out of the Church in a great Hurry,
-and being met by a Friend, he ask'd him, whither he was going? _Home
-for my Night-Cap_, answered the first, _For I find we are to stay here
-all Night_.
-
- 40. A very modest young Gentleman, of the County of _Tiperary_, having
-attempted many Ways in vain, to acquire the Affections of a Lady of
-great Fortune, at last try'd what was to be done, by the Help of
-Musick, and therefore entertained her with a Serenade under her Window,
-at Midnight, but she ordered her Servants to drive him thence by
-throwing _Stones_ at him; _Your Musick, my Friend_, said one of his
-Companions, is as powerful as that of _Orpheus_, for it draws the very
-_Stones about you_.
-
- 41. A certain Senator, who is not, it may be, esteemed the wisest Man
-in the House, has a frequent Custom of shaking his Head when another
-speaks, which giving Offence to a particular Person, he complained of
-the Affront; but one who had been long acquainted with him, assured the
-House, it was only an ill Habit he had got, for though he would
-oftentimes shake his _Head_, there was _nothing_ in it.
-
- 42. A Gentleman having lent a Guinea, for two or three Days, to a Person
-whose Promises he had not much Faith in, was very much surpriz'd to find
-he very punctually kept his Word with him; the same Gentleman being
-sometime after desirous of borrowing the like Sum, No, said the other,
-you have _deceived_ me once, and I am resolved you shan't do it a
-second Time.
-
- 43. My Lord Chief Justice Holt had sent, by his Warrant, one of the
-_French Prophets_, a foolish Sect, that started up in his Time, to
-Prison; upon which Mr. _Lacy_, one of their Followers, came one Day to
-my Lord's House, and desired to speak with him, the Servants told him,
-he was not well, and saw no Company that Day, but tell him, said
-_Lacy_, I must see him, for I come to him from the _Lord God_, which
-being told the Chief Justice, he order'd him to come in, and ask'd him
-his Business; I come, said he, from the _Lord_, who sent me to thee,
-and would have thee grant a _Noli Prosequi_ for _John Atkins_, whom
-thou hast cast into Prison: Thou art a false Prophet, answered my Lord,
-and a lying Knave, for if the Lord had sent thee it wou'd have been to
-the _Attorney-General_, he knows it is not in my Power to grant a
-_Noli-Prosequi_.
-
- 44. _Tom B--rn--t_ happening to be at Dinner at my Lord Mayor's, in
-the latter Part of the late Queen's Reign, after two or three Healths,
-the Ministry was toasted, but when it came to _Tom_'s turn to drink, he
-diverted it for some Time by telling a Story to the Person who sat next
-him; the chief Magistrate of the City not seeing his Toast go round,
-call'd out, Gentlemen, _where sticks the Ministry_? At nothing, by
-G--d, says _Tom_, and so drank off his Glass.
-
- 45. My Lord _Craven_, in King _James_ the First's Reign, was very
-desirous to see _Ben Johnson_, which being told to _Ben_, he went to my
-Lord's House, but being in a very tatter'd Condition, as Poets
-sometimes are, the Porter refus'd him Admittance, with some saucy
-Language, which the other did not fail to return: My Lord happening to
-come out while they were wrangling, asked the Occasion of it: _Ben_,
-who stood in need of no-body to speak for him, said, he understood his
-Lordship desired to see him; you, Friend, said my Lord, who are you?
-_Ben Johnson_, reply'd the other: No, no, quoth my Lord, you cannot be
-_Ben Johnson_ who wrote the _Silent Woman_, you look as if you could
-not say Bo to a Goose: _Bo_, cry'd _Ben_, very well, said my Lord, who
-was better pleas'd at the Joke, than offended at the Affront, I am now
-convinced, by your Wit, you are _Ben Johnson_.
-
- 46. A certain Fop was boasting in Company that he had every _Sense_
-in Perfection; no, by G--d, said one, who was by, there is one you are
-entirely without, and that is _Common Sense_.
-
- 47. An _Irish_ Lawyer of the _Temple_, having occasion to go to Dinner,
-left these Directions written, and put in the Key-Hole of his Chamber-Door,
-_I am gone to the_ Elephant _and_ Castle, _where you shall find me_;
-and if _you can't read this Note, carry it down to the Stationer's, and
-he will read it for you_.
-
- 48. Old _Dennis_ who had been the author of many Plays, going by a
-_Brandy-Shop_, in St. _Paul's Church-Yard_; the Man who kept it, came
-out to him, and desired him to drink a Dram, for what Reason said he,
-because you are a _Dramatick_ Poet, answered the other; well, Sir, said
-the old Gentleman, you are an out-of-the-way Fellow, and I will drink a
-Dram with you; but when he had so done, he asked him to pay for it,
-S'death, Sir, said the Bard, did you not ask me to drink a Dram because
-I was a _Dramatick_ Poet; yes Sir, reply'd the Fellow, but I did not
-think you had been a _Dram o'Tick_ Poet.
-
- 49. _Daniel Purcel_, the famous Punster, and a Friend of his, having a
-Desire to drink a Glass of Wine together, upon the 30th of _January_,
-they went to the _Salutation Tavern_ upon _Holbourn-Hill_, and finding
-the Door shut, they knock'd at it, but it was not opened to 'em, only
-one of the Drawers look'd through a little Wicket, and asked what they
-would please to have, why open your Door, said _Daniel_, and draw us a
-Pint of Wine, the Drawer said, his Master would not allow of it that
-Day, it was a _Fast_; D--mn your Master, cry'd he, for a precise
-Coxcomb, is he not contented to _fast_ himself but he must make his
-Doors _fast_ too.
-
- 50. The same Gentleman calling for some Pipes in a Tavern, complained
-they were too _short_; the Drawer said they had no other, and those
-were but _just come in_: Ay, said _Daniel_, I see you have not bought
-them _very long_.
-
- 51. The same Gentleman as he had the Character of a great Punster,
-was desired one Night in Company, by a Gentleman, to make a _Pun
-extempore_, upon what Subject, said _Daniel_, the _King_, answered the
-other, the _King_, Sir, said he, is no _Subject_.
-
- 52. _G----s E----l_ who, tho' he is very rich, is remarkable for
-his sordid Covetousness, told _Cibber_ one Night, in the _Green
-Room_, that he was going out of Town, and was sorry to part with him,
-for faith _he loved him_, Ah! said _Colley_, I wish I was a Shilling
-for your sake, why so, said the other, because then, cry'd the Laureat,
-I should be sure _you loved me_.
-
- 53. Lord _C----by_ coming out of the House of Lords one Day, called
-out, where's my _Fellow_! Not in _England_, by G--d, said a Gentleman,
-who stood by.
-
- 54. A Beggar asking Alms under the Name of a poor Scholar, a Gentleman
-to whom he apply'd himself, ask'd him a Question in _Latin_, the
-Fellow, shaking his Head, said he did not understand him: Why, said the
-Gentleman, did you not say you were a _poor Scholar_? _Yes_, reply'd
-the other, _a poor one indeed, Sir, for I don't understand one Word of_
-Latin.
-
- 55. Several Years ago when Mrs. _Rogers_ the Player, was young and
-handsome, Lord _North_, and _Grey_, remarkable for his homely Face,
-accosting her one Night behind the Scenes, ask'd her with a Sigh, what
-was a _Cure for Love_? Your _Lordship_, said she, the best I know in
-the World.
-
- 56. Colonel ----, who made the fine Fire-Works Works in St. _James's
-Square_, upon the Peace of _Reswick_, being in Company with some
-Ladies, was highly commending the Epitaph just then set up in the Abbey
-on Mr. _Purcel's_ Monument,
-
-    He _is gone to that Place were only his own_ Harmony _can be
-    exceeded_.
-
-Lord, Colonel, said one of the Ladies, the same Epitaph might serve for
-you, by altering one Word only:
-
-    _He is gone to that Place, where only his own_ Fire-Works _can
-    be exceeded_.
-
- 57. Poor _Joe Miller_ happening one Day to be caught by some of his
-Friends in a familiar Posture with a Cook Wench, almost as ugly as
-_Kate Cl--ve_, was very much rallied by them for the Oddness of his
-Fancy. Why look ye, said he, Gentleman, altho' I am not a very young
-Fellow, I have a good Constitution, and am not, I thank Heaven, reduced
-yet to _Beauty_ or _Brandy_ to whet my Appetite.
-
- 58. Lady _N----_, who had but a very homely Face, but was extremely
-well shaped, and always near about the Legs and Feet, was tripping one
-Morning over the _Park_ in a Mask; and a Gentleman followed her for a
-long while making strong Love to her, he called her his _Life_, his
-_Soul_, his _Angel_, and begged with abundance of Earnestness, to have
-a Glimpse of her Face; at last when she came on the other Side of the
-Bird-Cage Walk, to the House she was going into, she turned about and
-pulling off her Mask: Well, Sir, said she, what is it you would have
-with me? The Man at first Sight of her Face, drew back, and lifting up
-his Hands, O! _Nothing!_ Madam, _Nothing_, cry'd he; I cannot say, said
-my Lady, but I like your Sincerity, tho' I hate your Manners.
-
- 60. Sir _B--ch--r W----y_, in the Beginning of Queen _Anne_'s Reign, and
-three or four more drunken Tories, reeling home from the _Fountain-Tavern_
-in the _Strand_, on a _Sunday_ Morning, cry'd out, we are the pillars
-of the Church, no, by G--d, said a Whig, that happened to be in their
-Company, you can be but the _Buttresses_, for you never come on the
-Inside of it.
-
- 61. After the Fire of _London_, there was an Act of Parliament to
-regulate the Buildings of the City, every House was to be _three
-Stories_ high, and there were to be no _Balconies_ backwards: A
-_Gloucestershire_ Gentleman, a Man of great Wit and Humour, just after
-this Act passed, going along the Street, and seeing a little crooked
-Gentlewoman, on the other Side of the Way, he runs over to her in great
-haste, Lord, Madam, said he, how dare you to walk the Streets thus
-publickly? Walk the Streets! why not! answered the little Woman.
-Because said he, you are built directly contrary to Act of Parliament,
-you are but two Stories high, and your _Balcony_ hangs over your
-House-of-Office.
-
- 62. One Mr. _Topham_ was so very tall, that if he was living now,
-he might be shewn at _Yeate's_ Theatre for a Sight, this Gentleman
-going one Day to enquire for a Countryman a little Way out of Town,
-when he came to the House, he looked in at a little Window over the
-Door, and ask'd the Woman, who sat by the Fire, if her Husband was at
-Home. No, Sir, said she, but if you please to _alight_ and come in,
-I'll go and call him.
-
- 63. The same Gentleman walking across _Covent-Garden_, was asked
-by a Beggar-Woman, for an Half-penny or Farthing, but finding he would
-not part with his Money, she begg'd for Christ's-Sake, he would give
-her one of his old _Shoes_; he was very desirous to know what she could
-do with one Shoe, to make my Child a _Cradle_, Sir, said she.
-
- 64. King _Charles_ II. having ordered a Suit of Cloaths to be made,
-just at the Time when Addresses were coming up to him, from all Parts
-of the Kingdom, _Tom Killigrew_ went to the Taylor, and ordered him to
-make a very large Pocket on one Side of the Coat, and one so small on
-the other, that the King could hardly get his Hand into it, which
-seeming very odd, when they were brought home, he ask'd the Meaning of
-it, the Taylor said, Mr. _Killigrew_ order'd it so; _Kelligrew_ being
-sent for, and interrogated, said, one Pocket was for the _Addresses_ of
-his Majesty's Subjects, the other for the _Money_ they would give him.
-
- 65. My Lord _B----e_, had married three Wives that were all his
-Servants, a Beggar-Woman, meeting him one Day in the Street, made him a
-very low Curtesy, Ah, God Almighty bless your Lordship, said she, and
-send you a long Life, if you do but live long enough, we shall be all
-_Ladies_ in Time.
-
- 66. Dr. _Tadloe_, who was a very fat Man, happening to go thump,
-thump, with his great Legs, thro' a Street, in _Oxford_, where some
-Paviers had been at Work, in the Midst of _July_, the Fellows
-immediately laid down their Rammers, Ah! God bless you, Master, cries
-one of 'em, it was very kind of you to come this Way, it saves us a
-great deal of Trouble this hot Weather.
-
- 67. An Arch-Wagg of St. _John_'s College, asked another of the same
-College, who was a great _Sloven_, why he would not read a certain
-Author called _Go-Clenius_.
-
- 68. _Swan_, the famous Punster of _Cambridge_, being a Nonjuror, upon
-which Account he had lost his Fellowship, as he was going along the
-_Strand_, in the Beginning of King _William_'s Reign, on a very rainy
-Day, a Hackney-Coachman called to him, Sir, won't you please to take
-Coach, it _rains_ hard: Ay, Friend, said he, but this is no _Reign_ for
-me to take Coach in.
-
- 69. When _Oliver_ first coined his Money, an old Cavalier looking
-upon one of the new Pieces, read the Inscriptions, on one Side was _God
-with us_, on the other, _The Commonwealth of_ England; I see, said he,
-God and the _Commonwealth_ are on _different_ Sides.
-
- 70. Colonel _Bond_ who had been one of King _Charles_ the
-First's Judges, dy'd a Day or two before _Oliver_, and it was
-strongly reported every where that _Cromwell_ was dead; No, said a
-Gentleman, who knew better, he has only given _Bond_ to the Devil
-for his farther Appearance.
-
- 71. Mr. Serjeant _G--d--r_, being _lame_ of one Leg; and pleading
-before Judge _For--e_, who has little or no _Nose_, the Judge told him
-he was afraid he had but a _lame_ Cause of it: Oh! my Lord, said the
-Serjeant, have but a little Patience, and I'll warrant I prove every
-Thing as plain as the _Nose_ on your Face.
-
- 72. A Gentleman eating some Mutton that was very tough, said, it put
-him in Mind of an old _English_ Poet: Being asked who that was;
-_Chau--cer_, replied he.
-
- 73. A certain _Roman-Catholick_ Lord, having renounced the _Popish_
-Religion, was asked not long after, by a Protestant Peer, _Whether the
-Ministers of the_ State, or _Ministers of the_ Gospel _had the greatest
-Share in his Conversion_: To whom he reply'd, that when he renounced
-_Popery_ he had also renounced auricular _Confession_.
-
- 74. _Michael Angelo_, in his Picture of the last Judgment, in the
-Pope's Chappel, painted among the Figures in _Hell_, that of a certain
-_Cardinal_, who was his Enemy, so like, that everybody knew it at first
-Sight: Whereupon the Cardinal complaining to Pope _Clement_ the
-Seventh, of the Affront, and desiring it might be defaced: You know
-very well, said the Pope, I have Power to deliver a Soul out of
-_Purgatory_ but not out of _Hell_.
-
- 75. A Gentleman being at Dinner at a Friend's House, the first Thing
-that came upon the Table was a Dish of Whitings, and one being put upon
-his Plate, he found it stink so much that he could not eat a Bit of it,
-but he laid his Mouth down to the Fish, as if he was whispering with
-it, and then took up the Plate and put it to his own Ear; the
-Gentleman, at whose Table he was, enquiring into the meaning, he told
-him he had a Brother lost at Sea, about a _Fortnight ago_, and he was
-asking that Fish if he knew any thing of him; and what Answer made he,
-said the Gentleman, he told me, said he, he could give no Account of
-him, for he had not been at Sea these _three Weeks_.
-
-I would not have any of my Readers apply this Story, as an unfortunate
-Gentleman did, who had heard it, and was the next Day whispering a Rump
-of Beef at a Friend's House.
-
- 76. An _English_ Gentleman happening to be in _Brecknockshire_, he used
-sometimes to divert himself with shooting, but being suspected not to
-be qualified by one of the little _Welch_ Justices, his Worship told
-him, that unless he could produce his Qualification, he should not
-allow him to shoot there, and he had _two little Manors_; yes, Sir,
-said the _Englishman_, every Body may perceive that, perceive what,
-cry'd the _Welchman?_ That you have _too little Manners_, said the
-other.
-
- 77. The Chaplain's Boy of a Man of War, being sent out of his own Ship
-of an Errand to another; the two Boys were conferring Notes about their
-Manner of living; how often, said one, do you go to _Prayers_ now, why,
-answered the other, in Case of a _Storm_, or any Danger; ay, said the
-first, there's some Sense in that, but my Master makes us _pray_ when
-there is no more Occasion for it, than for my leaping over-board.
-
- 78. Not much unlike this Story, is one a Midshipman told one Night, in
-Company with _Joe Miller_ and myself, who said, that being once in
-great Danger at Sea, every body was observed to be upon their Knees,
-but one Man, who being called upon to come with the rest of the Hands
-to _Prayers_, not I, said he, it is your Business to take Care of the
-Ship I am but a _Passenger_.
-
- 79. Three or four roguish Scholars walking out one Day from the
-University of _Oxford_, spied a poor Fellow near _Abingdon_, asleep in
-a Ditch, with an Ass by him, loaded with Earthen-Ware, holding the
-Bridle in his Hand, says one of the Scholars to the rest, if you'll
-assist me, I'll help you to a little Money, for you know we are bare at
-present; no doubt of it they were not long consenting; why then, said
-he, we'll go and sell this old Fellow's Ass at _Abingdon_, for you know
-the Fair is To-morrow, and we shall meet with Chapmen enough; therefore
-do you take the Panniers off, and put them upon my Back, and the Bridle
-over my Head, and then lead you the Ass to Market, and let me alone
-with the Old Man. This being done accordingly, in a little Time after
-the poor Man awaking, was strangely surprized to see his Ass thus
-metamorphosed; Oh! for God's-sake, said the Scholar, take this Bridle
-out of my Mouth, and this Load from my Back. Zoons, how came you here,
-reply'd the old Man, why, said he, my Father, who is a great
-Necromancer, upon an idle Thing I did to disoblige him, transformed me
-into an Ass, but now his Heart has relented, and I am come to my own
-Shape again, I beg you will let me go Home and thank him; by all Means,
-said the Crockrey Merchant, I don't desire to have any Thing to do with
-Conjuration, and so set the Scholar at Liberty, who went directly to
-his Comrades, that by this Time were making merry with the Money they
-had sold the Ass for: But the old Fellow was forced to go the next Day,
-to seek for a new one in the _Fair_, and after having look'd on
-several, his own was shewn him for a very good one, O, Ho! said he,
-_what have he and his Father quarrelled again already_? No, no, I'll
-have nothing to say to him.
-
- 80. Mr. _Congreve_ going up the Water, in a Boat, one of the Watermen
-told him, as they passed by _Peterborough_ House, that that House had
-_sunk a Story_; no, Friend, said he, I rather believe it is a _Story
-raised_.
-
- 81. The foresaid House, which is the very last in _London_ one Way,
-being rebuilt, a Gentleman asked another, who lived in it? his Friend
-told him Sir _Robert Grosvenor_; I don't know, said the first, what
-Estate Sir _Robert_ has, but he ought to have a very good one, for no
-body _lives beyond him in the whole Town_.
-
- 82. Two Gentlemen disputing about Religion, in _Button's Coffee-House_,
-said one of them, I wonder, Sir, you should talk of Religion, when I'll
-hold you five Guineas you can't say the _Lord's Prayer_, done, said the
-other, and Sir _Richard Steele_ shall hold Stakes. The Money being
-deposited, the Gentleman began with, _I believe in God_, and so went
-cleverly thro' the _Creed_; well, said the other, I own I have lost; _I
-did not think he could have done it_.
-
- 83. A certain Author was telling Dr. _Sewel_, that a Passage he found
-fault with in his Poem, might be justify'd, and that he thought it
-a _Metaphor_; it is such a one, said the Doctor, as truly I never
-_Met-a-fore_.
-
- 84. A certain Lady at _Whitehall_, of great Quality but very little
-Modesty, having sent for a Linnen Draper to bring her some _Hollands_,
-as soon as the young Fellow enter'd the Room, O! Sir, said she, I find
-you're a Man fit for Business, for you no sooner look a Lady in the
-Face, but you've your _Yard_ in one Hand, and are lifting up the Linnen
-with the other.
-
- 85. A Country Farmer going cross his Grounds in the Dusk of the
-Evening, spy'd a young Fellow and a Lass, very busy near a five Bar
-Gate, in one of his Fields, and calling to them to know what they were
-about, said the young Man, no Harm, Farmer, we are only going to
-_Prop-a-Gate_.
-
- 86. King _Henry_ VIII. designing to send a _Nobleman_ on an Embassy
-to _Francis_ I. at a very dangerous Juncture, he begg'd to be excused,
-saying such a threatening Message, to so hot a Prince as _Francis_ I.
-might go near to cost him his Life. Fear not, said old _Harry_, if the
-_French_ King should offer to take away your Life, I would revenge you
-by taking off the _Heads_ of many _Frenchmen_ now in my Power: _But of
-all those Heads_, reply'd the Nobleman, _there may not be one to fit my
-Shoulders_.
-
- 87. A Parson preaching a tiresome Sermon on _Happiness_ or _Bliss_;
-when he had done, a Gentleman told him, he had forgot one Sort of
-Happiness: _Happy are they that did not hear your Sermon_.
-
- 88. A Country-Fellow who was just come to _London_, gaping about in
-every Shop he came to, at last looked into a Scrivener's, where seeing
-only one Man sitting at a Desk, he could not imagine what Commodity was
-sold there, but calling to the Clerk, pray, Sir, said he, what do you
-sell here? _Loggerheads_, cry'd the other, _do you_, answer'd the
-Countryman, _Egad then you've a special Trade, for I see you have but
-one left_.
-
- 89. _Manners_, who was himself but lately made Earl of _Rutland_,
-told Sir _Thomas Moor_, he was too much elated by his Preferment,
-that he verify'd the old Proverb,
-
-    _Honores mutant Mores_.
-
-No, my Lord, said Sir _Thomas_, the _Pun_ will do much better in
-_English_:
-
-    _Honours change_ MANNERS.
-
- 90. A Nobleman having chose a very illiterate Person for his Library
-Keeper, one said it was like _a Seraglio kept by an Eunuch_.
-
- 91. A Mayor of _Yarmouth_, in ancient Times, being by his Office a
-Justice of the Peace, and one who was willing to dispense the Laws
-wisely, tho' he could hardly read, got him the Statute-Book, where
-finding a Law against _firing a Beacon_, or causing any _Beacon_ to be
-fired, after nine of the Clock at Night, the poor Man read it _frying
-of Bacon, or causing any Bacon to be fryed_; and accordingly went out
-the next Night upon the _Scent_, and being directed by his _Nose_, to
-the Carrier's House, he found the Man and his Wife both _frying of
-Bacon_, the Husband holding the Pan while the Wife turned it: Being
-thus caught in the Fact, and having nothing to say for themselves, his
-Worship committed them both to Jail, without Bail or Mainprize.
-
- 92. The late facetious Mr. _Spiller_, being at the Rehearsal, on a
-_Saturday_ Morning, the Time when the Actors are usually paid, was
-asking another, whether Mr. _Wood_, the Treasurer of the House, had
-any Thing to say to them that Morning; no, faith, _Jemmy_, reply'd
-the other, I'm afraid there's no Cole, which is a cant Word for
-Money; by G--d, said _Spiller_, if there is no _Cole_ we must burn
-_Wood_.
-
- 93. A witty Knave coming into a Lace-Shop upon _Ludgate-Hill_, said,
-he had Occasion for a small Quantity of very fine Lace, and having
-pitched upon that he liked, asked the Woman of the Shop, how much she
-would have, for as much as would reach from one of his Ears to the
-other, and measure which Way she pleased, either over his Head or under
-his Chin; after some Words, they agreed, and he paid the Money down,
-and began to measure, saying, _One of my Ears is here, and the other is
-nailed to the Pillory in_ Bristol, _therefore, I fear you have not
-enough to make good your Bargain; however, I will take this Piece in
-part, and desire you will provide the rest with all Expedition_.
-
- 94. When Sir _Cloudsly Shovel_ set out on his last Expedition, there
-was a Form of Prayer, composed by the Archbishop of _Canterbury_, for
-the Success of the Fleet, in which his Grace made Use of this unlucky
-Expression, that he begged God would be a _Rock_ of Defence to the
-Fleet, which occasioned the following Lines to be made upon the
-Monument, set up for him, in _Westminster-Abbey_, he being cast away
-in that Expedition, on the Rocks call'd, the _Bishop and his Clerks_.
-
-    _As_ Lambeth _pray'd, such was the dire Event,
-    Else had we wanted now this Monument;
-    That God unto our Fleet would be a Rock,
-    Nor did kind Heav'n, the wise Petition mock;
-    To what the_ Metropolitan _said then,
-    The_ Bishop and his Clerks _reply'd_, Amen.
-
- 95. A _French_ Marquis being once at Dinner at _Roger Williams's_,
-the famous Punster and Publican, and boasting of the happy Genius of
-his Nation, in projecting all the fine Modes and Fashions, particularly
-the _Ruffle_, which he said, _was de fine Ornament to de Hand, and had
-been followed by all de oder Nations_: _Roger_, allowed what he said,
-but observed, at the same Time, that the English, according to Custom,
-had made a great Improvement upon their Invention, _by adding the Shirt
-to it_.
-
- 96. A poor dirty Shoe-Boy going into a Church, one _Sunday_ Evening,
-and seeing the Parish-Boys standing in a Row, upon a Bench to be
-catechized, he gets up himself, and stands in the very first Place,
-so the Parson of Course beginning with him, asked him, _What is your
-Name_? _Rugged_ and _Tough_, answered he, _who gave you that Name_?
-says Domine: _Why the Boys in our Alley_, reply'd poor _Rugged_ and
-_Tough, Lord d--mn them_.
-
- 97. A Prince laughing at one of his Courtiers whom he had employed in
-several Embassies, told him, he looked like an _Owl_. I know not,
-answered the Courtier, what I look like; but this I know, that I have
-had the Honour several Times to represent your _Majesty's Person_.
-
- 98. A _Venetian_ Ambassador going to the Court of _Rome_, passed
-through _Florence_, where he went to pay his Respects to the late
-Duke of _Tuscany_. The Duke complaining to him of the Ambassador
-the State of _Venice_ had sent him, as a Man unworthy of his Publick
-Character; _Your Highness_, said he, _must not wonder at it, for we
-have many Idle Pates, at_ Venice. _So have we_, reply'd the Duke,
-in Florence; _but we don't send them to treat of Publick Affairs_.
-
- 99. A Lady's Age happening to be questioned, she affirmed, she was
-but _Forty_, and call'd upon a Gentleman that was in Company for his
-Opinion; Cousin, said she, do you believe I am in the Right, when I say
-I am but _Forty_? I ought not to dispute it, Madam, reply'd he, for I
-have heard you say so _these ten Years_.
-
-100. It being proved in a Trial at _Guild-Hall_, that a Man's Name was
-really _Inch_, who pretended that it was _Linch_, I see, said the
-Judge, the old Proverb is verified in this Man, who being allowed an
-_Inch_ took an _L_.
-
-101. A certain Person came to a Cardinal in _Rome_, and told him that
-he had brought his Eminence a dainty white _Palfrey_, but he fell lame
-by the Way; saith the Cardinal to him, I'll tell thee what thou shalt
-do, go to such a Cardinal, and such a one, naming half a Dozen, and
-tell them the same, and so as thy Horse, if it had been _sound_, could
-have pleas'd but _one_, with this _lame Horse_ thou shalt please half a
-Dozen.
-
-102. A prodigal Gallant (whose penurious Mother being lately dead, had
-left him a plentiful Estate) one Day being on his Frolicks, quarrell'd
-with his Coachman, and said, you damn'd Son of a Whore, I'll kick you
-into Hell; to which the Coachman answer'd, _if you kick me into Hell,
-I'll tell your Mother how extravagantly you spend your Estate here upon
-Earth_.
-
-103. The Emperor _Augustus_, being shewn a young _Grecian_, who very
-much resembled him, asked the young Man if his _Mother_ had not been at
-_Rome_: No, Sir, answer'd the _Grecian_ but my _Father_ has.
-
-104. _Cato_ the Censor being ask'd, how it came to pass, that he had no
-Statue erected for him, who had so well deserved of the Common-Wealth?
-I had rather, said he, have this Question asked, than _why I had one_.
-
-105. A Lady coming into a Room hastily, with her _Mantua_, brush'd down
-a _Cremona_ Fiddle, that lay on a Chair, and broke it, upon which a
-Gentleman that was present burst into this Exclamation from _Virgil_:
-
-    _Mantua væ miseræ nimium Vicina Cremona._
-
-    _Ah miserable_ Mantua _too near a Neighbour to_ Cremona.
-
-106. A devout Gentleman, being very earnest in his Prayers, in the
-Church, it happened that a Pick-Pocket being near him, stole away his
-_Watch_, who having ended his Prayers, mist it, and complained to his
-Friend, that his _Watch_ was lost, while he was at Prayers; to which
-his friend reply'd, _Had you watch'd as well as pray'd, your Watch had
-been secure, adding these following Lines_.
-
-    _He that a Watch will wear, this must he do,
-    Pocket his Watch, and watch his Pocket too._
-
-107. _George Ch----n_, who was always accounted a very blunt Speaker,
-asking a young Lady one Day, what it was o'Clock, and she telling him
-her Watch _stood_, I don't wonder at that, Madam, said he, when it is
-so near your ----.
-
-108. A modest Gentlewoman being compelled by her Mother to accuse her
-Husband of Defect, and being in the Court, she humbly desired of the
-Judge, that she might write her Mind, and not be obliged to speak it,
-for Modesty's sake; the Judge gave her that Liberty, and a Clerk was
-immediately commanded to give her Pen, Ink, and Paper, whereupon she
-took the Pen without dipping it into the Ink, and made as if she would
-write; says the Clerk to her, Madam, there is no Ink in your Pen.
-_Truly, Sir_, says she, _that's just my Case, and therefore I need not
-explain myself any further_.
-
-109. A Lieutenant Colonel to one of the _Irish_ Regiments, in the
-_French_ Service, being dispatched by the Duke of _Berwick_, from _Fort
-Kehl_, to the King of _France_, with a Complaint, relating to some
-Irregularities, that had happened in the Regiment; his _Majesty_, with
-some Emotion of Mind, told him, _That the_ Irish _Troops gave him more
-Uneasiness than all his Forces besides_. _Sir_, (says the Officer) _all
-your Majesty's Enemies make the same Complaint_.
-
-110. Mr. _G----n_, the Surgeon being sent for to a Gentleman, who had
-just received a slight Wound in a Rencounter, gave Orders to his
-Servant to go Home with all haste imaginable, and fetch a certain
-Plaister; the Patient turning a little Pale, Lord, Sir, said he, _I
-hope there is no Danger_. _Yes, indeed is there_, answered the Surgeon,
-_for if the Fellow don't set up a good pair of Heels, the Wound will
-heal before he returns_.
-
-111. Not many Years ago, a certain Temporal Peer, having in a most
-pathetick and elaborate Speech, exposed the Vices and Irregularities of
-the Clergy, and vindicated the Gentlemen of the Army from some
-Imputations unjustly laid upon them: A Prelate, irritated at the
-Nature, as well as the Length of the Speech, _desired to know when the
-Noble Lord would leave off preaching_. The other answer'd, _The very
-Day he was made a Bishop_.
-
-112. It chanc'd that a Merchant Ship was so violently tossed in a Storm
-at Sea that all despairing of Safety, betook themselves to Prayer,
-saving one Mariner, who was ever wishing to see two _Stars_: Oh! said
-he, that I could but see two Stars, or but one of the Two, and of these
-Words he made so frequent Repetition, that, disturbing the Meditations
-of the rest, at length one asked him, what two Stars, or what one Star
-he meant? To whom he reply'd, _O! that I could but see the Star in
-Cheapside, or the Star in_ Coleman-street, _I care not which_.
-
-113. A Country Fellow subpoeena'd for a Witness upon a Trial on an
-Action of Defamation, he being sworn, the Judge had him repeat the very
-same Words he had heard spoken; the Fellow was loath to speak, but
-humm'd and haw'd for a good Space, but being urged by the Judge, he at
-last spoke, _My Lord_, said he, _You are a Cuckold_: The Judge seeing
-the People begin to laugh, called to him, and had him speak to the
-_Jury, there were twelve of them_.
-
-114. A Courtier, who was a Confident of the Amours of _Henry_ IV. of
-_France_, obtained a Grant from the King, for the Dispatch whereof he
-applyed himself to the Lord High Chancellor: Who finding some Obstacle
-in it, the Courtier still insisted upon it, and would not allow of any
-Impediment, _Que chacun se mêle de son Metier_, said the Chancellor to
-him; that is, _Let every one meddle with his own Business_. The
-Courtier imagining he reflected upon him for his pimping; _my
-Employment_, said he, _is such, that, if the King were twenty Years
-younger I would not exchange it for three of your's_.
-
-115. A Gentlewoman, who thought her Servants always cheated her, when
-they went to _Billingsgate_ to buy Fish, was resolved to go thither one
-Day herself, and asking the Price of some Fish, which she thought too
-dear, she bid the Fish-Wife about half what she asked; Lord, Madam,
-said the Woman, I must have stole it to sell it at that Price, but you
-shall have it if you will tell me what you do to make your Hands look
-so white; Nothing, good Woman, answered the Gentlewoman, but wear
-_Dog-Skin Gloves_: D--mn you for a lying Bitch, reply'd the other, my
-Husband has wore _Dog-Skin Breeches_ these ten Years, and his A--se is
-as brown as a Nutmeg.
-
-116. Dr. _Heylin_, a noted Author, especially for his _Cosmography_,
-happened to lose his Way going to _Oxford_, in the Forest of
-_Whichwood_: Being then attended by one of his Brother's Men, the Man
-earnestly intreated him to lead the Way; but the Doctor telling him he
-did not know it: _How!_ said the Fellow, _that's very strange that you,
-who have made a Book of the whole World, cannot find the Way out of
-this little Wood_.
-
-117. Monsieur _Vaugelas_ having obtained a Pension from the _French_
-King, by the Interest of Cardinal _Richelieu_, the Cardinal told him,
-he hoped he would not forget the Word _Pension_ in his Dictionary. No,
-my Lord, said _Vaugelas_, nor the Word _Gratitude_.
-
-118. A melting Sermon being preached in a Country Church, all fell a
-weeping but one Man, who being asked, why he did not weep with the
-rest? O! said he, _I belong to another Parish_.
-
-119. A Gentlewoman growing big with Child, who had two Gallants, one of
-them with a wooden Leg, the Question was put, which of the two should
-father the Child. He who had the wooden Leg offer'd to decide it thus.
-_If the Child_, said he, _comes into the World with a wooden Leg, I
-will father it, if not, it must be your's_.
-
-120. A Gentleman who had been out a shooting brought home a small Bird
-with him, and having an _Irish_ Servant, he ask'd him, if he had shot
-that little Bird, yes, he told him; Arrah! by my Shoul, Honey, reply'd
-the _Irish_ Man, it was not worth Powder and Shot, for this little
-Thing would have _died in the Fall_.
-
-121. The same _Irishman_ being at a Tavern where the Cook was dressing
-some Carp, he observed that some of the Fish moved after they were
-gutted and put in the Pan, which very much surprizing Teague, well,
-now, faith, said he, _of all the Christian Creatures that ever I saw,
-this same Carp will live the longest after it is dead_.
-
-122. A Gentleman happening to turn up against an House to make Water,
-did not see two young Ladies looking out of a Window close by him,
-'till he heard them giggling, then looking towards them, he asked, what
-made them so merry? O! Lord, Sir, said one of them, _a very little
-Thing_ will make us laugh.
-
-123. A Gentleman hearing a Parson preach upon the Story of the Children
-being devoured by the two _She Bears_, who reviled the old Man, and not
-much liking his Sermon; some Time after seeing the same Parson come
-into the Pulpit to preach at another Church: O ho! said he, _What are
-you here with your_ Bears _again_.
-
-124. A young Fellow riding down a steep Hill, and doubting that the
-Foot of it was boggish, call'd out to a Clown that was ditching, and
-ask'd him, if it was hard at the Bottom: Ay, ay, answered the
-Countryman, it's hard enough at the Bottom I'll warrant you: But in
-half a Dozen Steps the Horse sunk up to the Saddle Skirts, which made
-the young Gallant whip, spur, curse and swear, why thou Whoreson
-Rascal, said he, to the Ditcher, did'st thou not tell me it was hard at
-Bottom? _Ay_, reply'd the other, _but you are not half Way to the
-Bottom yet_.
-
-125. It was said of one who remembered every Thing that he lent, but
-quite forgot what he borrowed, _That he had lost half his Memory_.
-
-126. One speaking of _Titus Oats_, said, he was a Villain in Grain, and
-deserved to be well _threshed_.
-
-127. It was said of _Henry_, Duke of _Guise_, that he was the greatest
-Usurer in all _France_, for he had turned all his Estate into
-_Obligations_, meaning, he had sold and mortgaged his Patrimony, to
-make Presents to other Men.
-
-128. An _Englishman_ and a _Welchman_ disputing in whose Country was
-the best Living, said the _Welchman_, there is such noble Housekeeping
-in _Wales_, that I have known above a Dozen Cooks employ'd at one
-Wedding Dinner; Ay, answered the _Englishman_, that was because every
-Man _toasted his own Cheese_.
-
-129. The late Sir _Godfrey Kneller_, had always a very great Contempt,
-I will not pretend to say how justly, for _J----s_ the Painter, and
-being one Day about twenty Miles from _London_, one of his Servants
-told him at Dinner, that there was Mr. _J----s_ come that Day into the
-same Town with a Coach and four: Ay, said Sir _Godfrey_, but if his
-Horses _draw_ no better than himself, they'll never carry him to Town
-again.
-
-130. Some Women speaking of the Pains of Childbirth, for my Part, said
-one of them, it is less Trouble to me, than to swallow a Poach'd Egg:
-Then sure, Madam, answer'd another, your _Throat_ is very narrow.
-
-131. A Gentleman asked _Nanny Rochford_, why the Whigs, in their
-Mourning for Queen _Anne_, all wore Silk Stockings: Because, said she,
-the Tories _were worsted_.
-
-132. A Counsellor pleading at the Bar with Spectacles on, who was blind
-with one Eye, said, he would produce nothing but what was _ad Rem_,
-then said one of the adverse Party, _You must take out one Glass of
-your Spectacles, which I am sure is of no Use_.
-
-133. The famous _Tom Thynn_, who was remarkable for his good
-Housekeeping and Hospitality, standing one Day at his Gate in the
-Country, a Beggar coming up to him, cry'd, he begg'd his Worship would
-give him a Mugg of his _Small Beer_: Why how now, said he, what Times
-are these! _when Beggars must be Choosers_. I say, bring this Fellow a
-Mugg of _Strong Beer_.
-
-134. It was said of a Person, who always eat at _other Peoples Tables_,
-and was a great _Railer_, that he never opened _his Mouth_ but to some
-Body's Cost.
-
-135. Pope _Sixtus Quintus_, who was a poor Man's Son, and his Father's
-House ill thatched, so that the Sun came in at many Places of it, would
-himself make a Jest of his Birth, and say, _that he was_, Nato di Casa
-illustre, _Son of an illustrious House_.
-
-136. _Diogenes_ begging, as was the Custom among many Philosophers,
-asked a _prodigal Man_ for more than any one else: Whereupon one said
-to him, _I see your Business, that when you find a liberal Mind, you
-will take most of him_: _No_, said _Diogenes, but I mean to beg of the
-rest again_.
-
-137. Dr. _Sewel_, and two or three Gentlemen, walking towards
-_Hampstead_ on a Summer's Day, were met by the famous _Daniel Purcel_,
-who was very importunate with them to know upon what Account they were
-going there; the Doctor merrily answering him, _to make Hay_; Very
-well, reply'd the other, you'll be there at a very convenient Season,
-the Country wants _Rakes_.
-
-138. A Gentleman speaking of his Servant, said, _I believe I command
-more than any Man, for before my Servant will obey me in one Thing, I
-must command him ten Times over_.
-
-139. A poor Fellow that was carrying to Execution had a Reprieve just
-as he came to the Gallows, and was carried back by a Sheriff's Officer,
-who told him, he was a happy Fellow, and asked him, if he knew nothing
-of the Reprieve before-hand; no, reply'd the Fellow, nor thought any
-more of it, than I did of my _Dying Day_.
-
-140. A _Spanish_ Lady reading, in a _French_ Romance, a long
-Conversation betwixt two Lovers; _What a deal of Wit_, said she, _is
-here thrown away, when two Lovers are got together, and no Body by_?
-
-141. A Countryman admiring the stately Fabrick of St. _Paul's_, ask'd,
-_whether it was made in_ England, or _brought from beyond Sea_?
-
-142. _Fabricus_ the _Roman_ Consul, shew'd a great Nobleness of Mind,
-when the Physician of King _Pyrrhus_ made him a Proposal to poison his
-Master, by sending the Physician back to _Pyrrhus_, with these Words;
-_Learn, O King! to make a better Choice of thy_ Friends _and of thy_
-Foes.
-
-143. A Lady, who had generally a pretty many Intrigues upon her Hands,
-not liking her Brother's extravagant Passion for Play, asked him, when
-he designed to leave off _Gaming_; when you cease _Loving_, said he;
-then reply'd the Lady, _you are like to continue a Gamester as long as
-you live_.
-
-144. A Soldier was bragging before _Julius Cæsar_, of the Wounds he had
-received in his Face; _Cæsar_, knowing him to be a Coward, told him, he
-had best take heed, the next Time he ran away, _how he look'd back_.
-
-145. The _Trojans_ sending Ambassadors to condole with _Tiberius_ upon
-the Death of his Father-in-Law _Augustus_, it was so long after, that
-the Emperor hardly thought it a Compliment, but told them he was
-likewise sorry _that they had lost so valiant a Knight_ as Hector, who
-was slain above a thousand Years before.
-
-146. _Cato Major_ used to say, _That wise Men learned more from_ Fools,
-_than_ Fools _from wise Men_.
-
-147. A _Braggadochio_ chancing, upon an Occasion, to run away full
-Speed, was asked by one, what was become of that Courage he used so
-much to talk of, it is got, said he, _all into my Heels_.
-
-148. Somebody asked my Lord _Bacon_ what he thought of _Poets_, why,
-said he, I think them the very best Writers next to those who write in
-Prose.
-
-149. A Profligate young Nobleman, being in Company with some sober
-People, desired leave to toast the _Devil_; the Gentleman who sat next
-him, said, he had no Objection to any of his Lordship's Friends.
-
-150. A _Scotsman_ was very angry with an _English_ Gentleman, who, he
-said, had abused him, and called him _false Scot_; Indeed, said the
-_Englishman_, I said no such Thing, but that you were a _true Scot_.
-
-151. The late Commissary-General _G--ley_, who once kept a Glass Shop,
-having General _P--c--k's_ Regiment under a Muster, made great
-Complaints of the Men's Appearance, &c. and said, _that the Regiment
-ought to be broke: Then, Sir_, said the Colonel, _perhaps you think a
-Regiment is as soon broke as a Looking-Glass_.
-
-152. _C----ll_, the Bookseller, being under Examination, at the Bar of
-the House of Lords, for publishing the Posthumous Works of the late
-Duke of _Buckingham_, without Leave of the Family, told their Lordships
-in his Defence, _That if the Duke was_ living, _he was sure he would
-readily pardon the Offence_.
-
-153. A Gentleman said of a young Wench, who constantly ply'd about the
-_Temple_, that if she had as much Law in her _Head_, as she had had in
-her _Tail_, she would be one of the ablest _Counsel_ in _England_.
-
-154. _J--ck K----s_, the Painter, having finish'd a very good Picture
-of _Figg_ the Prize-Fighter, who had been famous for getting the better
-of several _Irishmen_ of the same Profession, the Piece was shewn to
-old _J----n_, the Player, who was told at the same Time, that Mr.
-_E----s_ designed to have a Mezzo-tinto Print taken from it, but wanted
-a Motto to be put under it: Then said old _J----n_, I'll give you one:
-_A Figg for the Irish_.
-
-155. Some Gentlemen going into a noted Bawdy-House Tavern at
-_Charing-Cross_, found great Fault with the Wine, and sending for the
-Master of the House, told him, it was sad Stuff, and very _weak_: It
-may be so, said he, for my Trade don't depend upon the _Strength_ of my
-_Wine_, but on that of my Tables and Chairs.
-
-156. A Gentleman coming to an Inn in _Smithfield_, and seeing the
-Hostler expert and tractable about the Horses, asked, _how long he had
-lived there_? And _What Countryman he was_? _I'se Yerkshire_, said the
-Fellow, _an ha'_ lived _Sixteen Years here_. I wonder reply'd the
-Gentleman, that in so long a Time, so clever a Fellow as you seem to
-be, have not come to be Master of the Inn yourself. Ay, said the
-Hostler, _But Maister's Yerkshire_ too.
-
-157. The late Colonel _Chartres_, reflecting on his ill Life and
-Character, told a certain Nobleman, that if such a Thing as a good Name
-was to be purchased, he would freely give 10,000 Pounds for one; the
-Nobleman said, _it would certainly be the worst Money he ever laid out
-in his Life_. Why so, said the honest Colonel, _because_, answered my
-Lord, _you would forfeit it again in less than a Week_.
-
-158. A seedy [poor] half-pay Captain, who was much given to blabbling
-every thing he heard, was told, there was but one Secret in the World
-he could keep, and that was _where he lodged_.
-
-159. _Jack M----n_, going one Day into the Apartments at St. _James's_,
-found a Lady of his Acquaintance sitting in one of the Windows, who
-very courteously asked him, to sit down by her, telling him there was a
-_Place, No, Madam_, said he, _I don't come to Court for a Place_.
-
-If the gentle Reader should have a Desire to repeat this Story let him
-not make the same Blunder that a certain _English-Irish foolish_ Lord
-did, who made the Lady ask _Jack_ to sit down by her, telling him there
-was _room_.
-
-160. A certain Lady of Quality sending her _Irish_ Footman to fetch
-Home a Pair of new Stays, strictly charged him to take a Coach if it
-rained for fear of wetting them: But a great Shower of Rain falling,
-the Fellow returned with the Stays dropping wet, and being severely
-reprimanded for not doing as he was ordered, he said, he had obey'd his
-Orders; how then, answered the Lady, could the Stays be wet, if you
-took them into the Coach with you? _No_, replyed honest Teague, _I knew
-my Place better, I did not go into the Coach, but rode_ behind _as I
-always used to do_.
-
-161. _Tom Warner_, the late Publisher of News Papers and Pamphlets,
-being very near his End, a Gentlewoman in the Neighbourhood sending her
-Maid to enquire how he did, he had the girl tell her Mistress, _that he
-hoped he was going to the_ New-Jerusalem; _Ah, dear Sir_, said she, _I
-dare say the Air of_ Islington _would do you more good_.
-
-162. A Person said the _Scotch_ were certainly the best trained up for
-Soldiers of any People in the World, for they began to _handle their
-Arms_ almost as soon as they were born.
-
-163. A Woman once prosecuted a Gentleman for a Rape: Upon the trial,
-the Judge asked if she made any Resistance, _I cry'd out, an please you
-my Lord_, said she: _Ay_, said one of the Witnesses, _but that was Nine
-Months after_.
-
-164. A young Lady who had been married but a short Time, seeing her
-Husband going to rise pretty early in the Morning, said, _What, my
-Dear, are you getting up already? Pray, lie_ a little longer and rest
-yourself. _No, my Dear_, reply'd the Husband, _I'll get up and rest
-myself_.
-
-165. The Deputies of _Rochel_, attending to speak with _Henry_ the
-Fourth of _France_, met with a Physician who had renounced the
-Protestant Religion, and embrac'd the Popish Communion, whom they began
-to revile most grievously. The King hearing of it, told the Deputies,
-he advis'd them to change their Religion, _for it is a dangerous
-Symptom_, says he, _that your religion is not long-liv'd, when a
-Physician has given it over_.
-
-166. Two _Oxford_ Scholars meeting on the Road with a _Yorkshire_
-Ostler, they fell to bantering the Fellow, and told him, they could
-prove him a Horse, an Ass, and I know not what; and I, said the Ostler,
-can prove your Saddle to be me a _Mule_: A _Mule!_ cried one of them,
-how can that be? because, said the Ostler, it is something between a
-_Horse_ and an _Ass_.
-
-167. A _Frenchman_ travelling between _Dover_ and _London_, came into
-an Inn to lodge, where the Host perceiving him a close-fisted Cur,
-having called for nothing but a Pint of Beer and a Pennyworth of Bread
-to eat with a Sallad he had gathered by the Way, resolved to fit him
-for it, therefore seemingly paid him an extraordinary Respect, laid him
-a clean Cloth for Supper, and complimented him with the best Bed in the
-House. In the Morning he set a good Sallad before him, with Cold Meat,
-Butter, _&c_., which provok'd the Monsieur to the Generosity of calling
-for half a Pint of Wine; then coming to pay, the Host gave him a Bill,
-which, for the best Bed, Wine, Sallad, and other Appurtenances, he had
-enhanc'd to the Value of twenty Shillings. _Jernie_, says the
-_Frenchman_, Twenty Shillings! _Vat you mean?_ But all his sputtering
-was in vain; for the Host with a great deal of Tavern-Elocution, made
-him sensible that nothing could be 'bated. The Monsieur therefore
-seeing no Remedy but Patience, seem'd to pay it chearfully. After which
-he told the Host, that his House being extremely troubled with Rats, he
-could give him a Receipt to drive 'em away, so as they should never
-return again. The Host being very desirous to be rid of those
-troublesome Guests, who were every Day doing him one Mischief or other,
-at length concluded to give Monsieur twenty Shillings for a Receipt;
-which done, _Beggar_, says the Monsieur, _you make a de Rat one such
-Bill as you make me, and if ever dey trouble your House again, me will
-be hang_.
-
-168. A young Gentleman playing at Questions and Commands with some very
-pretty young Ladies, was commanded to take off a Garter from one of
-them; but she, as soon as he had laid hold of her Petticoats, ran away
-into the next Room, where was a Bed, now, Madam, said he, I _bar_
-squeaking, _Bar_ the Door, you Fool, cry'd she.
-
-169. A _Westminster_ Justice taking Coach in the City, and being set
-down at _Young Man's_ Coffee-house, _Charing-Cross_, the Driver
-demanded Eighteen-Pence as his Fare; the Justice asked him, if he would
-swear that the Ground came to the Money; the Man said, he would take
-his Oath on't. The Justice replyed, _Friend, I am a Magistrate_, and
-pulling a Book out of his Pocket, administer'd the Oath, and then gave
-the Fellow _Six-pence_, saying _he must reserve the Shilling to himself
-for the_ Affidavit.
-
-170. A Countryman passing along the _Strand_ saw a Coach overturn'd,
-and asking what the Matter was? He was told, that three or four Members
-of Parliament were overturned in that Coach: Oh, says he, there let
-them lie, _my Father always advis'd me not to meddle with State
-Affairs_.
-
-171. One saying that Mr. _Dennis_ was an excellent Critick, was
-answered, that indeed his Writings were much to be valued; for that by
-his Criticism he taught Men how to write well, and by his Poetry,
-shew'd 'em what it was to write ill; so that the World was sure to
-edify by him.
-
-172. One going to see a Friend who had lain a considerable Time in the
-_Marshalsea_ Prison, in a Starving Condition, was persuading him,
-rather than lie there in that miserable Case, to go to Sea; which not
-agreeing with his high Spirit, _I thank you for your Advice_, replies
-the Prisoner, _but if I go to Sea, I'm resolv'd it shall be upon good
-Ground_.
-
-173. A Drunken Fellow carrying his Wife's Bible to pawn for a Quartern
-of Gin, to an Alehouse, the Man of the House refused to take it. What a
-Pox, said the Fellow, will neither my Word, nor the Word of G--d pass?
-
-174. A certain Justice of Peace, not far from _Clerkenwell_, in the
-first Year of King _George_ I. when his Clerk was reading a Mittimus to
-him, coming to _Anno Domini_ 1714, cry'd out, with some warmth, and
-_why not Georgeo Domini, sure, Sir, you forget yourself strangely_.
-
-175. A certain Noblem--, a Cour--r, in the Beginning of the late Reign,
-coming out of the H--se of L--ds, accosts the Duke of _B--ham_, with,
-_How does your Pot boil, my Lord, these troublesome Times?_ To which
-his Grace replied, I never go into my Kitchen, but I dare say the _Scum
-is uppermost_.
-
-176. A little dastardly half-witted 'Squire, being once surpriz'd by
-his Rival in his Mistress's Chamber, of whom he was terribly afraid,
-desir'd for God's Sake to be conceal'd; but there being no Closet or
-Bed in the Room, nor indeed any Place proper to hold him, but an
-_India_ Chest the Lady put her Cloathes in, they lock'd him in there.
-His Man being in the same Danger with himself, said, rather than fail,
-he cou'd creep under the Maid's Petticoats: _Oh, you silly Dog_, says
-his Master, _that's the commonest Place in the House_.
-
-177. The Lord _N----th_ and _G----y_, being once at an Assembly at the
-_Theatre-Royal_ in the _Hay-Market_, was pleas'd to tell Mr.
-_H--d--gg--r_, he wou'd make him a Present of 100_l._ if he could
-produce an uglier Face in the whole Kingdom than his, the said
-_H--d--gg--r_'s, within a Year and a Day: Mr. _H--d--gg--r_ went
-instantly and fetch'd a Looking-Glass, and presented it to his
-Lordship, saying, _He did not doubt but his Lordship had Honour enough
-to keep his Promise_.
-
-178. A young Fellow praising his Mistress before a very amorous
-Acqaintance of his, after having run thro' most of her Charms, he came
-at Length to her Majestick Gate, fine Air, and delicate slender Waist:
-_Hold_, says his Friend, _go no lower, if you love me_; but by your
-Leave, says the other, _I hope to go lower if she loves me_.
-
-179. A Person who had an unmeasurable Stomach, coming to a Cook's Shop
-to dine, said, it was not his Way to have his Meat cut, but to pay
-8_d._ for his _Ordinary_; which the Cook seem'd to think reasonable
-enough, and so set a Shoulder of Mutton before him, of half a Crown
-Price, to cut where he pleas'd; with which he so play'd the Cormorant,
-that he devour'd all but the Bones, paid his _Ordinary_, and troop'd
-off. The next Time he came, the Cook casting a Sheep's Eye at him,
-desired him to agree for his Victuals, for he'd have no more
-_Ordinaries_. Why, a Pox on you, says he, _I'm sure I paid you an_
-Ordinary _Price_.
-
-180. The extravagant Duke of _Buckingham [Villars]_ once said in a
-melancholy Humour, he was afraid he should _die a Beggar_, which was
-the most terrible Thing in the World; upon which a Friend of his
-Grace's replyed, No, my Lord, there is a more terrible Thing than that,
-and which you have Reason to fear, and that is, _that you'll live a
-Beggar_.
-
-181. The same Duke another Time was making his Complaint to Sir _John
-Cutler_, a rich Miser, of the Disorder of his Affairs, and asked him,
-what he should do to prevent the Ruin of his Estate? _Live as I do, my
-Lord_, said Sir _John: That I can do_, answered the Duke, _when I am_
-ruined.
-
-182. At another Time, a Person who had long been a Dependant on his
-Grace, begged his Interest for him at Court, and to press the Thing
-more home upon the Duke, said, _He had no Body to depend on but God and
-his Grace; then_, says the Duke, _you are in a miserable Way, for you
-could not have pitch'd upon any two Persons who have less Interest at
-Court_.
-
-183. The old Lord _Strangford_ taking a Bottle with the Parson of the
-Parish, was commending his own Wine: _Here, Doctor_, says he, _I can
-send a couple of Ho--Ho--Ho--Hounds to_ France (for his Lordship had an
-Impediment in his Speech) _and have a Ho--Ho--Ho--Hogshead of this
-Wi--Wi--Wi--Wine for 'em; What do you say to that, Doctor? Why_, I say,
-_your Lordship has your Wine-Dog-cheap_.
-
-184. The famous _Jack Ogle_ of facetious Memory, having borrow'd on
-Note five Pounds and failing the Payment, the Gentleman who had lent
-it, indiscreetly took Occasion to talk of it in the Publick
-Coffee-house which oblig'd _Jack_ to take Notice of it, so that it came
-to a Challenge. Being got into the Field, the Gentleman a little tender
-in Point of Courage, offer'd him the Note to make the Matter up; to
-which our Hero consented readily, and had the Note delivered: _But
-now_, said the Gentleman, _If we should return without fighting, our
-Companions will laugh at us; therefore let's give one another a slight
-Scar, and say we wounded one another; with all my Heart_, says _Jack;
-Come, I'll wound you first_; so drawing his Sword, he whipt it thro'
-the fleshy Part of his Antagonist's Arm, 'till he brought the very
-Tears in his Eyes. This being done, and the Wound ty'd up with a
-Handkerchief; Come, says the Gentleman, _now where shall I wound you_?
-_Jack_ putting himself in a fighting Posture, cried, _Where you can,
-B----d Sir; Well, well_, says the other, _I can swear I received this
-Wound of you_, and so march'd off contentedly.
-
-185. A Traveller at an Inn once on a very cold Night, stood so near the
-Fire that he burnt his Boots: An arch Rogue that sat in the
-Chimney-Corner, call'd out to him, _Sir, you'll burn your Spurs
-presently_: _My Boots you mean, I suppose_: _No Sir,_ says he, _they
-are burnt already_.
-
-186. In Eighty-Eight, when Queen _Elizabeth_ went from _Temple-Bar_
-along _Fleet-street_, on some Procession, the Lawyers were rang'd on
-one Side of the Way, and the Citizens on the other; says the Lord
-_Bacon_, then a Student, to a Lawyer, that stood next him, _Do but
-observe the Courtiers; if they bow first to the Citizens, they are in
-Debt; if to us, they are in Law_.
-
-187. Some Gentlemen having a Hare for Supper at the Tavern, the Cook,
-instead of a Pudding, had cramm'd the Belly full of _Thyme_, but had
-not above half roasted the Hare, the Legs being almost raw; which one
-of the Company observing said, _There was too much Thyme, or Time, in
-the Belly, and too little in the Legs._
-
-188. Two Countrymen who had never seen a Play in their Lives, nor had
-any Notion of it, went to the Theatre in _Drury-Lane_, when they placed
-themselves snug in the Corner of the Middle-Gallery; the first Musick
-play'd, which they lik'd well enough; then the Second, and the Third to
-their great Satisfaction: At Length the Curtain drew up, and three or
-four Actors enter'd to begin the Play; upon which one of them cry'd to
-the other, _Come_, Hodge, _let's be going, ma'haps the Gentlemen are
-talking about Business_.
-
-189. A Countryman sowing his Ground, two smart Fellows riding that Way,
-call'd to him with an insolent Air: _Well, honest Fellow_, says one of
-them, _'tis your Business to sow, but we reap the Fruits of your
-Labour_; to which the plain Countryman reply'd, _'Tis very likely you
-may, truly, for I am sowing_ Hemp.
-
-190. Two inseparable Comrades, who rode in the Guards in _Flanders_,
-had every Thing in common between them. One of them being a very
-extravagant Fellow, and unfit to be trusted with Money, the other was
-always Purse-bearer, which yet he gain'd little by, for the former
-would at Night frequently pick his Pocket to the last _Stiver_; to
-prevent which he bethought himself of a Stratagem, and coming among his
-Companions the next Day, he told them _he had bit his Comrade_. _Ay,
-how?_ says they. _Why_, says he, _I hid my Money in his own Pocket last
-Night, and I was sure he would never look for it there_.
-
-191. The famous Sir _George Rook_, when he was a Captain of _Marines_,
-quarter'd at a Village where he buried a pretty many of his Men: At
-length the Parson refus'd to perform the Ceremony of their Internment
-any more, unless he was paid for it, which being told Captain _Rook_,
-he ordered Six Men of his Company to carry the Corpse of the Soldier,
-then dead, and lay him upon the Parson's Hall-Table. This so embarass'd
-the Parson, that he sent the Captain Word, _If he'd fetch the Man away,
-he'd bury him and his whole Company for nothing_.
-
-192. A reverend and charitable Divine, for the Benefit of the Country
-where he resided, caused a large Causeway to be begun: As he was one
-Day overlooking the Work, a certain Nobleman came by, _Well_, Doctor,
-says he, _for all your great Pains and Charity, I don't take this to be
-the Highway to Heaven: Very true, my Lord_, replied the Doctor, _for if
-it had, I shou'd have wondered to have met your Lordship here_.
-
-193. Two Jesuits having pack'd together an innumerable Parcel of
-miraculous Lies, a Person who heard them, without taking upon him to
-contradict them, told 'em one of his own: That at St. _Alban_'s, there
-was a Stone Cistern, in which Water was always preserv'd for the Use of
-that Saint; and that ever since, if a Swine shou'd eat out of it, he
-wou'd instantly die: The Jesuits, hugging themselves at the Story, set
-out the next Day to St. _Alban_'s, where they found themselves
-miserably deceived: On their Return, they upbraided the Person with
-telling them so monstrous a Story; _Look ye there now_, said he, _you
-told me a hundred Lies t'other Night, and I had more Breeding than to
-contradict you, I told you but one, and you have rid twenty Miles to
-confute me, which is very uncivil_.
-
-194. A _Welchman_ and an _Englishman_ vapouring one Day at the
-Fruitfulness of their Countries; the _Englishman_ said, there was a
-Close near the Town where he was born, which was so fertile, that if a
-_Kiboo_ was thrown in over Night, it would be so cover'd with Grass,
-that 'twould be difficult to find it the next Day; _Splut_, says the
-_Welchman, what's that_? _There's a Close where hur was born, where you
-may put your Horse in over Night, and not be able to find him next
-Morning._
-
-195. A Country Fellow in King _Charles_ the IId's. Time, selling his
-Load of Hay in the _Haymarket_, two Gentlemen who came out of the
-_Blue-Posts_, were talking of Affairs; one said, that Things did not go
-right, the King had been at the House and prorogued the Parliament. The
-Countryman coming Home, was ask'd what News in _London_? _Odsheart_,
-says he, _there's something to do there; the King, it seems, has_
-berogued _the Parliament sadly_.
-
-196. A wild young Gentleman having married a very discreet, virtuous
-young Lady; the better to reclaim him, she caused it to be given out at
-his Return, that she was dead, and had been buried: In the mean Time,
-she had so plac'd herself in Disguise, as to be able to observe how he
-took the News; and finding him still the same gay inconstant Man he
-always had been, she appear'd to him as the Ghost of herself, at which
-he seemed not at all dismay'd: At length disclosing herself to him, he
-then appear'd pretty much surpriz'd: a Person by said, _Why, Sir, you
-seem more afraid now than before; Ay_, replied he, _most Men are more
-afraid of a living Wife, than a dead one_.
-
-197. An under Officer of the Customs at the Port of _Liverpool_,
-running heedlessly along a Ship's Gunnel, happened to tip over-board,
-and was drown'd; being soon after taken up, the Coroner's Jury was
-summoned to sit upon the Body. One of the Jury-Men returning home, was
-call'd to by an Alderman of the Town, and ask'd what Verdict they
-brought in, and whether they found it _Felo de se: Ay, ay_, says the
-Jury-Man shaking his Noddle, _he fell into the Sea, sure enough_.
-
-198. One losing a Bag of Money of about 50_l._ between _Temple-Gate_
-and _Temple-Bar_, fix'd a Paper up, offering 10_l._ Reward to those who
-took it up, and should return it: Upon which the Person that had it
-came and writ underneath to the following Effect, _Sir, I thank you,
-but you bid me to my Loss_.
-
-199. Two brothers coming to be executed once for some enormous Crime;
-the Eldest was first turn'd off, without saying one Word: The other
-mounting the Ladder, began to harangue the Crowd, whose Ears were
-attentively open to hear him, expecting some Confession from him, _Good
-People_, says he, _my Brother hangs before my Face, and you see what a
-lamentable_ Spectacle _he makes; in a few Moments, I shall be turned
-off too, and then you'll see a Pair of_ Spectacles.
-
-200. It was an usual saying of King _Charles_ II. _That Sailors get
-their Money like Horses, and spent it like Asses_; the following Story
-is somewhat an instance of it: One Sailor coming to see another on
-Pay-day, desired to borrow twenty Shillings of him; the money'd Man
-fell to telling out the Sum in Shillings, but a Half-Crown thrusting
-its Head in, put him out, and he began to tell again, but then an
-impertinent Crown-piece was as officious as it's half Brother had been,
-and again interrupted the Tale; so that taking up a Handful of Silver,
-he cry'd, _Here_, Jack, _give me a Handful when your Ship's paid, what
-a Pox signifies counting it_.
-
-201. A Person enquiring what became of _such a One_? _Oh! dear_, says
-one of the Company, _poor fellow, he dy'd insolvent, and was buried by
-the Parish: Died in solvent_, crys another, _that's a Lie, for he died
-in_ England, _I'm sure I was at his Burying_.
-
-202. A humorous Countryman having bought a Barn, in Partnership with a
-Neighbour of his, neglected to make the least Use of it, whilst the
-other had plentifully stor'd his Part with Corn and Hay: In a little
-Time the latter came to him, and conscientiousily expostulated with him
-upon laying out his Money so fruitlessly: _Pray Neighbour_, says he,
-_ne'er trouble your Head, you may do what you will with your Part of
-the Barn, but I'll set mine o' Fire_.
-
-203. An _Irishman_ whom King _Charles_ II. had some Esteem for, being
-only an inferior Servant of the Household, one Day coming into the
-King's Presence, his Majesty ask'd him how his Wife did, who had just
-before been cut for a _Fistula_ in her Backside. _I humbly thank your
-Majesty_, replied Teague, _she's like to do well, but the Surgeon says,
-it will be an Eye-Sore as long as she lives_.
-
-204. A young Gentlewoman who had married a very wild Spark, that had
-run through a plentiful Fortune, and was reduced to some Streights, was
-innocently saying to him one Day, _My Dear, I want some Shifts sadly_.
-_Shifts, Madam_, replies he, _D---- me, how can that be, when we make
-so many every Day?_
-
-205. A Fellow once standing in the Pillory at _Temple-Bar_, it
-occasioned a Stop, so that a Carman with a Load of Cheeses had much ado
-to pass, and driving just up to the Pillory, he asked what that was
-that was writ over the Person's Head: They told him, it was a Paper to
-signify his Crime, that he stood for _Forgery_: Ay, says he, what is
-_Forgery_? They answered him, that _Forgery_ was counterfeiting
-another's Hand, with Intent to cheat People: To which the Carman
-replied, looking up at the Offender, Ah, Pox! this comes of your
-Writing and Reading, you silly Dog.
-
-206. Master _Johnny_ sitting one Summer's Evening on the Green with his
-Mother's Chamber-maid, among other little Familiarities, as kissing,
-pressing her Bubbies and the like, took the Liberty unawares to satisfy
-himself whereabouts she ty'd her Garters, and by an unlucky Slip went
-farther than he should have done: At which the poor Creature blushing,
-cry'd, _Be quiet, Mr._ John, _I'll throw this Stone at your Head,
-else_. _Ay, Child_, says he, _and I'll fling two at your Tail if you
-do_.
-
-207. When the Prince of _Orange_ came over, Five of the Seven Bishops
-who were sent to the Tower declar'd for his Highness, and the other Two
-would not come into Measures; upon which Mr. _Dryden_ said, _that the_
-seven Golden Candlesticks _were sent to be essay'd in the_ Tower, _and
-five of them prov'd_ Prince'_s Metal_.
-
-208. A Dog coming open-mouth'd at a Serjeant upon a March, he run the
-Spear of his Halbert into his Throat and kill'd him: The Owner coming
-out rav'd extreamly that his Dog was kill'd, and ask'd the Serjeant,
-_Why, he could not as well have struck at him with the blunt End of his
-Halbert?_ _So I would_, says he, _if he had run at me with his Tail_.
-
-209. King Charles the IId. being in Company with the Lord _Rochester_,
-and others of the Nobility, who had been drinking the best Part of the
-Night, _Killegrew_ came in; Now, says the King, we shall hear of our
-Faults: _No, Faith_, says _Killegrew, I don't care to trouble my Head
-with that which all the Town talks of_.
-
-210. A rich old Miser finding himself very ill, sent for a Parson to
-administer the last Consolation of the Church to him: Whilst the
-Ceremony was performing, old _Gripewell_ falls into a Fit; on his
-Recovery the Doctor offered the Chalice to him; _Indeed_, crys he, _I
-can't afford to lend you above twenty Shillings upon't, I can't upon my
-Word_.
-
-211. A Person who had a chargeable Stomach, used often to asswage his
-Hunger at a Lady's Table, having one Time or other promis'd to help her
-to a Husband. At length he came to her, _Now Madam_, says he, _I have
-brought you a Knight, a Man of Worship and Dignity, one that will
-furnish out a Table well_. _Phoo_, says the Lady, _your Mind's ever
-running on your Belly_; _No_, says he, _'tis sometimes running o'yours
-you see_.
-
-212. One, who had been a very termagant Wife, lying on her Death-bed,
-desired her Husband, _That as she had brought him a Fortune she might
-have Liberty to make her Will, for bestowing a few Legacies to her
-Relations: No, by G--d, Madam_, says he, _You had your Will, all your
-Life-time, and now I'll have mine_.
-
-213. When the Lord _Jefferies_, before he was a Judge, was pleading at
-the Bar once, a Country Fellow giving Evidence against his Client,
-push'd the Matter very home on the Side he swore of; _Jefferies_, after
-his usual Way, call'd out to the Fellow, _Hark you, you Fellow in the
-Leather-Doublet, what have you for swearing?_ To which the Countryman
-smartly reply'd, _Faith, Sir, if you have no more for Lying than I have
-for Swearing, you may go in a Leather Doublet too_.
-
-214. The same _Jefferies_ afterwards on the Bench, told an old Fellow
-with a long Beard, that _he supposed he had a Conscience as long as his
-Beard: Does your Lordship_, replies the old Man, _measure Consciences
-by Beards? if so, your Lordship has no Beard at all._
-
-215. _Apelles_, the famous Painter, having drawn the Picture of
-_Alexander_ the Great on Horseback, brought it and presented it to that
-Prince, but he not bestowing that Praise on it, which so excellent a
-Piece deserv'd, _Apelles_ desired a living Horse might be brought; who
-mov'd by Nature fell a prancing and neighing, as tho' it had actually
-been his living Fellow-Creature; whereupon _Apelles_ told _Alexander,
-his Horse understood Painting better than himself_.
-
-216. An old Gentleman who had married a fine young Lady, and being
-terribly afraid of Cuckoldom, took her to Task one Day, and ask'd her,
-if she had considered what a crying Sin it was in a Woman to cuckold
-her Husband? _Lord, my Dear_, says she, _what d'ye mean? I never had
-such a Thought in my Head, nor never will_: _No, no_, replied he, _I
-shall have it in my Head, you'll have it some where else_.
-
-217. The late Lord _Dorset_, in a former Reign, was asking a certain
-Bishop, _why he conferr'd Orders on so many Blockheads_. _Oh, my Lord_,
-says he, 'tis better the Ground should be plowed _by Asses, than lie
-quite untill'd_.
-
-218. A certain Lady, to excuse herself for a Frailty she had lately
-fallen into, said to an intimate Friend of hers, _Lord, how is it
-possible for a Woman to keep her Cabinet unpickt, when every Fellow has
-got a Key to it_.
-
-219. Mr. _Dryden_, once at Dinner, being offered by a Lady the Rump of
-a Fowl, and refusing it, the Lady said, Pray, Mr. _Dryden_, take it,
-the Rump is the best Part of the _Fowl_; Yes, Madam, says he, and so I
-think it is of the _Fair_.
-
-220. A Company of Gamesters falling out at a Tavern, gave one another
-very scurvy Language: At length those dreadful Messengers of Anger, the
-Bottles and Glasses flew about like Hail-Shot; one of which mistaking
-it's Errand, and hitting the Wainscot, instead of the Person's Head it
-was thrown at, brought the Drawer rushing in, who cry'd, _D'ye call
-Gentlemen?_ _Call Gentlemen_, says one of the Standers by; _no they
-don't call_ Gentlemen, _but they call one another_ Rogue _and_ Rascal,
-_as fast as they can_.
-
-221. An amorous young Fellow making very warm Addresses to a marry'd
-Woman, _Pray, Sir, be quiet_, said she, _I have a Husband that won't
-thank you for making him a Cuckold_: _No Madam_, reply'd he, _but you
-will I hope_.
-
-222. One observing a crooked Fellow in close Argument with another, who
-would have dissuaded him from some inconsiderable Resolution; said to
-his Friend, _Prithee, let him alone, and say no more to him, you see
-he's_ bent _upon it_.
-
-223. Bully _Dawson_ was overturned in a Hackney-Coach once, pretty near
-his Lodgings, and being got on his Legs again, he said, 'Twas the
-greatest Piece of Providence that ever befel him, for it had saved him
-the Trouble of bilking the Coachman.
-
-224. A vigorous young Officer, who made Love to a Widow, coming a
-little unawares upon her once, caught her fast in his Arms. _Hey day_,
-say she, _what do you fight after the_ French _Way: take Towns before
-you declare War?_ No, faith, Widow says he, but I should be glad to
-imitate them so far, to be in the Middle of the Country before you
-could resist me.
-
-225. Sir _Godfrey Kneller_, and the late Dr. _Ratcliffe_, had a Garden
-in common, but with one Gate: Sir _Godfrey_, upon some Occasion,
-ordered the Gate to be nail'd up; when the Doctor heard of it, he said,
-_He did not Care what Sir_ Godfrey _did to the Gate, so he did not
-paint it_. This being told Sir _Godfrey_, he replied, _He would take
-that, or any Thing from his good Friend, the Doctor, but his Physick_.
-
-226. The same Physician, who was not the humblest Man in the World,
-being sent for by Sir _Edward Seymour_, who was said to be the
-proudest; the Knight received him, while he was dressing his Feet and
-picking his Toes, being at that Time troubled with a _Diabetis_, and
-upon the Doctor's entering the Room, accosted him in this Manner, _So
-Quack_, said he, _I'm a dead Man, for I piss sweet_; _Do ye_, replied
-the Doctor, _then prithee piss upon your Toes, for they stink
-damnably_: And so turning round on his Heel went out of the Room.
-
-227. A certain worthy Gentleman having among his Friends the Nickname
-of _Bos_, which was a Kind of Contraction of his real Name, when his
-late Majesty conferred the Honour of Peerage upon him, a Pamphlet was
-soon after published with many sarcastical Jokes upon him, and had this
-Part of a Line from _Horace_ as a Motto, _viz._
-
-    ----_Optat Ephippia Bos_----
-
-My Lord asked a Friend, who could read _Latin_, what that meant? It is
-as much as to say, my Lord, said he, that you become _Honours as a Sow
-does a Saddle_. O! very fine, said my Lord: Soon after another Friend
-coming to see him, the Pamphlet was again spoken of, I would, said my
-Lord, give five hundred Pounds to know the Author of it. I don't know
-the Author of the Pamphlet, said his Friend, but I know who wrote the
-Motto; Ay, cry'd my Lord, _prithee who was it? Horace_, answered the
-other: _How_, replied his Lordship, _a dirty Dog, that his Return for
-all the Favours I have done him and his Brother_.
-
-228. A wild Gentleman having pick'd up his own Wife for a Mistress, the
-Man, to keep his Master in Countenance, got to Bed to the Maid too. In
-the Morning, when the Thing was discovered, the Fellow was obliged, in
-Attonement for his Offence, to make the Girl amends by marrying her;
-_Well_, says he, _little did my Master and I think last Night, that we
-were robbing our own Orchards_.
-
-229. One seeing a kept Whore, who made a very great Figure, ask'd, what
-Estate she had? _Oh_, says another, _a very good Estate in_ Tail.
-
-230. In the great Dispute between _South_ and _Sherlock_, the former,
-who was a great Courtier, said, His Adversary reasoned well, but he
-Bark'd like a Cur: To which the other reply'd, That Fawning was the
-Property of a Cur, as well as Barking.
-
-231. Second Thoughts, we commonly say, are best; and young Women who
-pretend to be averse to Marriage, desire not to be taken at their
-Words. One asking a Girl, _if she would have him?_ _Faith, no_, John,
-says she, _but you may have me if you will_.
-
-232. A Gentleman lying on his Death-Bed, called to his Coachman, who
-had been an old Servant, and said, _Ah!_ Tom, _I'm going a long rugged
-Journey, worse than ever you drove me? Oh, dear Sir_, reply'd the
-Fellow (he having been but an indifferent Master to him), _ne'er let
-that discourage you, for it is all down Hill_.
-
-233. An honest bluff Country Farmer, meeting the Parson of the Parish
-in a By-Lane, and not giving him the Way so readily as he expected, the
-Parson, with an erected Crest, told him, _He was better fed than
-taught: Very likely indeed Sir_, reply'd the Farmer: _For you teach me
-and I feed myself_.
-
-234. A famous Teacher of _Arithmetick_, who had long been married
-without being able to get his Wife with Child: One said to her, Madam,
-your Husband is an excellent _Arithmetician_. Yes, replies she, only he
-can't _multiply_.
-
-235. One making a furious Assault upon a hot Apple-pye, burnt his Mouth
-'till the Tears ran down; his Friend asked him, _Why he wept?_ _Only_,
-says he, _'tis just come into my Mind, that my Grand-mother dy'd this
-Day twelvemonth_: _Phoo!_ says the other, _is that all?_ So whipping a
-large Piece into his Mouth, he quickly sympathiz'd with his Companion;
-who seeing his Eyes brim full, with a malicious Sneer ask'd him, _why
-he wept?_ _A Pox on you_, says he, _because you were not hanged the
-same Day your Grand-mother dy'd_.
-
-236. A Lady who had married a Gentleman that was a tolerable Poet, one
-Day sitting alone with him, she said, Come, my Dear, you write upon
-other People, prithee write something for me; let me see what Epitaph
-you'll bestow upon me when I die: Oh, my Dear, reply'd he, that's a
-melancholy Subject, prithee don't think of it: Nay, upon my Life you
-shall, adds she,----Come, I'll begin,
-
-    ----_Here lies_ Bidd:
-
-To which he answer'd, _Ah! I wish she did_.
-
-237. A Cowardly Servant having been hunting with his Lord, they had
-kill'd a wild Boar; the Fellow seeing the Boar stir, betook himself to
-a Tree; upon which his Master call'd to him, and asked him, _what he
-was afraid of the Boar's Gut's were out?_ _No matter for that_, says
-he, _his Teeth are in_.
-
-238. One telling another that he had once so excellent a Gun that it
-went off immediately upon a Thief's coming into the House, altho' it
-wasn't charged: _How the Devil can that be?_ said t'other: _Because_,
-said the First, _the Thief_ carry'd _it off, and what was worse, before
-I had Time to_ charge _him with it_.
-
-239. Some Gentlemen coming out of a Tavern pretty merry, a Link-Boy
-cry'd, _Have a Light, Gentlemen?_ _Light yourself to the Devil, you
-Dog_, says one of the Company: _Bless you, Master_, reply'd the Boy,
-_we can find the Way in the Dark; shall we light your Worship thither_.
-
-240. A Person was once try'd at _Kingston_ before the late Lord Chief
-Justice _Holt_, for having two Wives, where one _Unit_ was to have been
-the chief Evidence against him: After much calling for him, Word was
-brought that they could hear nothing of him. _No_, says his Lordship,
-_why then, all I can say, is, Mr._ Unit _stands for a_ Cypher.
-
-241. 'Tis certainly the most transcendent Pleasure to be agreeably
-surpriz'd with the Confession of Love, from an ador'd Mistress. A young
-Gentleman, after a very great Misfortune came to his Mistress, and told
-her, He was reduc'd even to the want of five Guineas: To which she
-replied, _I am glad of it with all my Heart_: Are you so, Madam, adds
-he, suspecting her Constancy: Pray, why so? _Because_, says she, _I can
-furnish you with five Thousand_.
-
-242. On a Publick Night of Rejoicing, when Bonefires and Illuminations
-were made, some honest Fellows were drinking the King's Health and
-Prosperity to _England, as long as the Sun and Moon endured_: Ay, says
-one, and 500 Years after, _for I have put both my Sons Apprentices to a
-Tallow-Chandler_.
-
-243. A young Fellow who had made an End of all he had, even to his last
-Suit of Cloathes; one said to him, Now I hope, you'll own yourself a
-happy Man, for you have made an End of all your Cares: How so, said the
-Gentleman; _Because_, said the other, _you've nothing left to take care
-of_.
-
-244. Some years ago, when his Majesty used to hunt frequently in
-_Richmond-Park_, it brought such Crowds of People thither, that Orders
-were given to admit none, when the King was there himself, but the
-Servants of the Household. A fat Country Parson having, on one of these
-Days a strong Inclination to make one of the Company, Captain _B-d-ns_,
-promised to introduce him, but coming to the Gate, the Keepers would
-have stopp'd him, by telling him, none but the Houshold were to be
-admitted: Why, d--mn you, said the Captain, don't you know the
-Gentleman? _He's his Majesty's Hunting-Chaplain_: Upon which the
-Keepers asked Pardon, and left the reverend Gentleman to Recreation.
-
-245. The learned Mr. _Charles Barnard_, Serjeant Surgeon to Queen
-_Anne_, being very severe upon _Parsons_ having _Pluralities_. A
-reverend and worthy Divine heard him a good while with Patience, but at
-length took him up with this Question, _Why do you Mr. Serjeant_
-Barnard _rail thus at_ Pluralities, _who have always so many_
-Sine-Cures _upon your own Hands_?
-
-246. Dr. _Lloyd_, Bishop of _Worcester_, so eminent for his
-_Prophesies_, when by his Sollicitations and Compliance at Court, he
-got removed from a poor _Welch_ Bishoprick to a rich _English_ one. A
-reverend Dean of the Church said, _That he found his Brother_ Lloyd
-_spelt Prophet with an_ F[2].
-
-          [2] Most of the Clergy follow this Spelling.
-
-247. A worthy old Gentleman in the Country, having employ'd an
-Attorney, of whom he had a pretty good Opinion, to do some Law Business
-for him in _London_, he was greatly surprized on his coming to Town,
-and demanding his Bill of Law Charges, to find that it amounted to at
-least three Times the Sum he expected; the honest Attorney assured
-him, that there was no Article in his Bill, but what was _fair and
-reasonable_: Nay, said the Country Gentleman, here is one of them I am
-sure cannot be so, for you have set down three Shillings and four Pence
-for going to _Southwark_, when none of my Business lay that Way; pray
-what is the Meaning of that Sir; _Oh! Sir_, said he, _that was for
-fetching the_ Chine _and_ Turkey _from the Carriers, that you sent me
-for a_ Present, _out of the Country_.
-
-
-_FINIS._
-
-
-
-
-
-
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 <h1>
 Joe Miller's <i>JESTS</i>
@@ -2635,382 +2596,7 @@ Footnotes
 <a href="#noteref2"><small>[2]</small></a> Most of the Clergy follow this Spelling.
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+<div>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 40127 ***</div>
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