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diff --git a/39968.txt b/39968.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..2741213 --- /dev/null +++ b/39968.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4049 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Lancashire Humour, by Thomas Newbigging + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Lancashire Humour + +Author: Thomas Newbigging + +Illustrator: J. Ayton Symington + +Release Date: June 11, 2012 [EBook #39968] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK LANCASHIRE HUMOUR *** + + + + +Produced by sp1nd, Mebyon, Matthew Wheaton and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This +file was produced from images generously made available +by The Internet Archive) + + + + + + + + _Lancashire Humour_ + + + _First Edition, December 1900_ + _Second Edition, April 1901_ + + _All rights reserved_ + + + [Illustration: TWO DEYGHN LAYROCKS] + + + + + LANCASHIRE HUMOUR + + BY + + THOMAS NEWBIGGING + + + WITH ILLUSTRATIONS BY + + J. AYTON SYMINGTON + + LONDON + + J. M. DENT & CO. + + 1901 + + + TO + + MY DEAR WIFE + + A GRADELY LANCASHIRE LASS + + "Thae knows, that wherever aw roam, + Aw'm fain to get back to th' owd ground." + + + Vile potabis modicis Sabinum + Cantharis, Graeca quod ego ipse testa + Conditum levi ... + + * * * * * + + Caecubum et prelo domitam Caleno + Tu bibes uvam: mea nec Falernae + Temperant vites, neque Formiani + Pocula colles. + + _Hor. Lib. I. Car. xx._ + + + + +PREFACE + + +In the present volume I have included a number of Anecdotes and +Sketches which I had previously introduced into my _History of the +Forest of Rossendale_, and also a subsequent book of mine, entitled +_Lancashire Characters and Places_. I felt that it was admissible to +do this in a volume dealing specifically with the subject of +Lancashire Humour, and I am in hopes that readers who already possess +copies of the works named will not object to their being reproduced +here. They were worth giving in this connection, and, indeed, their +omission could scarcely be justified in a book of humorous Lancashire +incidents and anecdotes. + + * * * * * + +There is surely a want of discernment shown by those who object to the +use of dialect in literature as occasion offers. A truth, or a stroke +of wit, or a touch of humour, can often be conveyed in dialect +(_rustice loqui_) when it would fail of effect in polite English. All +language is conventional. Use and wont settles much in this world. +Dialect has its use and wont, and because it differs from something +else is surely no reason for passing it by on the other side. + +I don't know whether many of my readers have read the poems of T. E. +Brown. They are chiefly in the Manx dialect, not Manx as a language--a +branch of the Keltic--but _Manx dialect English_. Here was a man +steeped to the eyes in classical learning; a Greek and Latin scholar +of the first quality, as his recently published Letters testify. But +he was wise as well as learned, and his poetry, not less than his +Letters, will give him a place among the immortals, just as the +dialect poems of Edwin Waugh will give _him_ a like place. Brown did +not shrink from using the speech of the common people around him if +haply he could reach their understandings and their hearts. + +The proper study of Mankind is man. Not the superfine man, not the +cultured man, only, but the man as we encounter him in our daily +walk--Hodge in homespun as well as de Vere in velvet. + + * * * * * + +It will not be disputed that, apart from the use of dialect, there is +a substratum of humour in the Lancashire character which evinces +itself spontaneously and freely on occasions. There can be no doubt, +also, that this humour, whether conscious or unconscious, is usually +accentuated or emphasised when the dialect is the conveying medium, +because its quaintness is in keeping with the peculiarities of the +race. Besides, there is a naturalness, a primitivity, and therefore a +special attractiveness in _all_ dialect forms of speech which does not +invariably characterise the expression of the same ideas in literary +English. + +Now, humour is such a desirable ingredient in the potion of our human +existence, that it would be nothing less than a dire misfortune to +make a point of eschewing the setting which best harmonises with its +fullest and fairest presentation, whether it emanates from the man in +clogs or from the most cultured of our kind. + +Our greatest writers have recognised the worth of dialect as a medium +for humour, and hence many of the most memorable and amusing +characters in Scott and Dickens--to take the two writers that occur to +us most readily by way of illustration--portray themselves in the +dialect of their native heath. + +These remarks must be taken in a general sense, and not as having any +special bearing on the present contribution. The two, else, would not +be in proportion. My object has simply been to gather up the waifs and +strays of humorous incident and anecdote, with a view to enlivening a +passing hour. + + * * * * * + +Some of the stories that I give are related of incidents that are said +to have occurred in, or of persons belonging to, both Lancashire and +the West Riding. It is difficult to locate all of them so as to be +quite certain of their parentage. I have tried, however, to limit +myself to such as have a genuine Lancashire origin, without trenching +on the domain of our neighbours in Yorkshire. + +The present collection by no means exhausts the number of good stories +that are to be found on Lancashire soil. It is highly probable that +were half-a-dozen writers to devote some time to the subject, they +would each be able to present a collection differing from all the rest +in the characteristic anecdotes which they would select. + +Readers outside of the County Palatine will not have any difficulty in +perusing the stories. The dialect in each has been so modified as to +admit of its being readily understood by every intelligent reader. + + T. N. + + MANCHESTER, + _December 10th, 1900_. + + + + +_Lancashire Humour_ + +"Come, Robin, sit deawn, an' aw'll tell thee a tale." + _Songs of the Wilsons._ + + +If we would find the unadulterated Lancashire character, we must seek +for it on and near to the eastern border of the county, where the +latter joins up to the West Riding of Yorkshire.[1] Roughly, a line +drawn from Manchester on the south, by way of Bolton and Blackburn and +terminating at Clitheroe in the north, will cut a slice out of the +county Palatine, equal on the eastward side of this line, to about +one-third of its whole area; and it is in this portion that the purest +breed of Lancashire men and women will be found. A more circumscribed +area still, embracing Oldham, Bury, Rochdale, the Rossendale Valley, +and the country beyond to Burnley and Colne, contains in large +proportion the choicest examples of Lancashire people, and it is +within the narrower limit that John Collier ("Tim Bobbin") first of +all, then Oliver Ormerod, and, later, Waugh, Brierley, and other +writers in the vernacular, have placed the scenes of their Lancashire +Stories and Sketches, and found the best and most original of their +characters. + +[1] In their speech, their employments, their habits and general +character, there is much in common between the natives of Lancashire +and their neighbours of the West Riding. + +The Authors I have specifically named are themselves good examples of +that character, Waugh paramountly so--distinguished as they are by a +kindly hard-headedness, a droll and often broad wit, which exhibits +itself not only in the quality of their writings, but also in their +modes of expression, and a blending in their nature of the humorous +with the pathetic, lending pungency, naturalness and charm to their +best work. + +The peculiarities to which I have referred are due to what in times +past was the retiredness of this belt of the county; its isolation, +its comparative inaccessibility, its immunity from invasion. As the +coast of any country is approached, the breed of the inhabitants will +be found to become more and more mixed, losing to a large extent its +distinctive characteristics; and it is only by an incursion into the +interior that the unadulterated aborigines are to be found in their +native purity. Even here, these conditions no longer exist with +anything like the old force, excepting, it may be, in some obscure +nook out of sound of the locomotive whistle. Of these there are still +a few left, though not many. + +The old barriers of time and distance have been obliterated. The means +of, and incentives to, migration, have become so easy and great that +our "Besom Bens" and "Ab-o' th'-Yates" are grown as scarce as spade +guineas, or as the wild roses in our Lancashire hedges, and will ere +long exist only in the pages of our native humorists. + +The writer of the Introduction to the 1833 edition of John Collier's +"Tummus and Meary" makes a wide claim for the antiquity and +universality of the Lancashire dialect in England in the past. He +says: "Having had occasion, in the course of interpreting the +following pages, to refer to the ancient English compositions of such +as Chaucer, Wycliffe, other poets, historians, etc., I have been led +almost to conclude that the present Lancashire dialect was the +universal language of the earliest days in England." + +Without going quite so far as the writer just quoted, it may be +admitted that his contention is not without warrant, as is proved by +the very large number of words and phrases of the dialect that are to +be found in the Works of Gower, Chaucer, Spenser, Ben Jonson, +Shakespeare, and other of our older authors, as well as in the earlier +translations of the Bible. The conclusion may certainly be drawn that +in the Lancashire dialect as spoken to-day there are more archaic +words, both Celtic and Gothic, than are to be found elsewhere in +England. + +The Rev. W. Gaskell, M.A., in his lectures on the dialect, says with +truth that:--"There are many more forms of speech and peculiarities of +pronunciation in Lancashire that would yet sound strange, and, to use +a Lancashire expression, strangely 'potter' a southern; but these are +often not, as some ignorantly suppose, mere vulgar corruptions of +modern English, but genuine relics of the old mother tongue. They are +bits of the old granite, which have perhaps been polished into +smoother forms, but lost in the process a good deal of their original +strength."[2] + +[2] Two Lectures on the Lancashire Dialect, by the Rev. W. Gaskell, +M.A., Chapman & Hall, 193 Piccadilly, London, 1854, p. 13. + +There have been of recent years many observant gleaners in these +fruitful Lancashire fields. Waugh, Brierley, Oliver Ormerod, Samuel +Laycock, Miss Lahee, J. T. Staton, Trafford Clegg and other writers +have done much to illustrate the character and habits of the people of +the County Palatine in their Sketches, Stories and Songs. We owe +ungrudging thanks to the writers in the vernacular for the treasures +with which, during the last thirty or forty years, they have adorned +our Lancashire literature; for the rich legacy they have left us; for +having taught us so much of homely wisdom in the quaint tongue of our +people, and opened up to us in wider measure than we previously knew, +the bright commonsense and humour that are enshrined in their hearts. + +They have illustrated for us the various phases, both in speech and +thought, of a virile and otherwise important section of the people +that go to make up the inhabitants of this Island of ours. They have +exhibited the genuine homeliness and simplicity of the people of the +county, as well as their native shrewdness and strength of character; +their kindliness of heart, their natural insight and aptitude; their +characteristic humour--for the gracious gift of humour is theirs in a +remarkable degree--their flashes of wit and repartee; their +peccadilloes and graver faults, as well as their many admirable +virtues; their strenuous working lives, and their abandonment to play +as occasion serves--for it is a marked feature of Lancashire people +that they work hard and play hard. + +They have shown us, also, how rich in resource is the dialect of the +county, compacting and crystallizing its phrases and proverbs, and +have proved how capable it is of giving expression to the natural +affections. It is only of comparatively recent years that we have been +able to appreciate the wealth of the dialect in these respects. All +the material was in existence before, but it needed the cunning hand +of the master to make literature of it; to weave up the warp and woof, +and present them to us in an embodied form. + +A good deal of the humour of our Lancashire writers is of the +rollicking kind, no doubt. It does not always belong to the school of +high culture. But, on the other hand, we have got the characters true +to the life, and he is a fastidious critic, or worse, who would prefer +a counterfeit presentment to the genuine portrait. + +The subject of Lancashire character, or, indeed, of any peculiarities +of local and provincial character in general, with its manifestations +either of pathos or humour, may not be one of very great profundity. +That is not any part of the claim we make. It may even be considered +trivial by some. Those, however, who take such a view, if there be any +such, are surely lacking in breadth of vision. To do what we propose +is to come nearer to the hearts of the people and their ways of +thinking than is possible in the higher and broader flights of the +more general historian. And, indeed, the work of the humble gleaner +often assists the more ambitious and dignified chronicler in his +labours to depict the greater personages and events in the history of +his country. The ways of thinking of the people, and also the +subject-matter of their thoughts, may be good, or they may be +commonplace, or they may be mean, but to enter into their thoughts so +as to get at their spirit, helps at least to an understanding of them. + +Admitting for a moment the triviality of the subject, we cannot always +be sitting like Jove on the heights of Olympus; and even when in +loftier mood we do emulate the high emprizes of the gods, we are fain +to descend at times--and there is true wisdom in so descending--to +refresh ourselves with a touch of Mother Earth--to seek in the vale +below that necessary relaxation from the strain and stress of high +thinking. + +When all is said that can be said, a collection of this kind is a +contribution to an important branch of folk-lore and folkspeech, and +in that respect, if in no other, should be widely acceptable. + +It is not, of course, pretended that all the anecdotes here given are +new. Some of them are "chestnuts" I am aware--though chestnuts are +generally good or they would not deserve to be chestnuts--but they +illustrate certain traits of character, and that is a sufficient +reason for reproducing them. Neither are we prepared to vouch for the +absolute truth of all the stories. Some of them, either in whole or in +part, are probably due to an effort of the imagination. In that sense +they are true, and certainly they are each characteristic of +individuals whom we all know, and who, from our experience of their +eccentricities, might safely be set down as the actors in them. + +Notwithstanding all that has been done by the writers already named, +there is great abundance of good things still ungarnered, in the way +of racy anecdotes, wise apothegms, and striking sayings, all too good +to be lost--as indeed may be their fate unless pains are taken to +record them in permanent form. Even the ludicrous conclusions and +remarks of the half-witted--those of whom it is said in the vernacular +that "they have a slate off and one slithering,"--are often +sufficiently striking or amusing to be worth putting on record. + +"The clouted shoe hath oft-times craft in't," as says the rustic +proverb. + +We have it on the authority of Shakespeare that a jest's prosperity +lies in the ear of him that hears it. This is generally so, and +especially in those instances where the jest, or the story, is clothed +in dialect, and depends for a full appreciation on a knowledge by the +listener of the peculiar characteristics of those from whom it +emanates. For this reason it is doubtful whether, say, the people of +the southern portion of our Island are able to enter into, so as to +fully enjoy, our more northerly humour; just as we of the north may +not be able to thoroughly enjoy theirs. Antipathy, also, to a +particular form and mode of spelling and pronunciation intervenes to +prevent full enjoyment on both sides. For this reason the writers in +dialect are placed at a disadvantage as regards the extent of their +audience. Most of their best things are caviere to the general, or, +rather, to the particular. + +In a letter to a Rossendale friend, John Collier has an interesting +reference to the dialect and the extent to which it is used. In this +letter the writer offers an apology for, or rather a defence of, his +"Tummus and Meary" against certain strictures that had been passed +upon it on account of its broad Lancashire speech. + +He says: "I am obliged to you for a peep at your friend Mr Heape's +ingenious letter. When you write, please to return him my compliments, +and thanks for his kind remembrance of me; and hint to him that I do +not think our country exposed at all by my view of the Lancashire +Dialect: but think it commendable, rather than a defect, that +Lancashire in general, and Rossendale in particular, retain so much of +the speech of their ancestors. For why should the people of Saxony, +and the Silesians be commended for speaking the Teutonic or old +German, and the Welsh be so proud (and by many authors commended too) +for retaining so much of their old British, and we in these parts +laughed at for adhering to the speech of our ancestors? For my part I +do not see any reason for it, but think it praiseworthy: and am always +well pleased when I think at the Rossendale man's answer, who being +asked where he wunned, said, 'I wun at th' riggin o' th' Woard, at th' +riggin o' th' Woard, for th' Weter o' th' tone Yeeosing faws into th' +Yeeost, on th' tother into th' West Seeo.'" + +Curiously enough, the dialect in "Tim Bobbin's" day was considered as +too plebeian in character to deserve notice. It was looked upon simply +as the vulgar speech of the common people, and altogether unworthy of +attention and study by better-instructed mortals. Even well into the +present century, dialect in general was not held in estimation for any +useful purpose, and it is only in comparatively recent years that its +value as an aid to the study of racial history has been recognised. + +It may be admitted that Collier, in his celebrated sketch, is +sometimes so broadly coarse as to shock even a taste which is not +fastidious; but allowances must be made for him in his efforts at the +truthful portraiture of the characters as he knew or conceived them. + + * * * * * + +In the fifties, when I was a young fellow of twenty or thereabouts, I +was personally acquainted with Oliver Ormerod, the author of "A Rachde +Felley's Visit to th' Greyt Eggshibishun." He was a smart, dapper, +hard-headed Lancashire business man, of medium height, inclining to be +stout; clean and bright in appearance, and gentlemanly in his manners. +At that time he had written and published his "Rachde Felley," but +though we often conversed on the characteristics of the people of East +and South Lancashire--a subject with which he was well familiar--he +never mentioned to me the circumstance of his being the author of the +amusing sketch, which was published anonymously. I rather think that +it was but few even of his intimate friends in his native town of +Rochdale who knew or suspected at first that he was the author of that +clever and amusing brochure. + +Possibly he feared that to have associated his name with the work +would have injured him in his business. For, however erroneous the +notion may be, it was at one time held that business and the +occasional excursion into the by-paths of literature were +incompatible. His case, I am glad to say, was an instance in point +refuting the too common belief that the practice of one's pen in +vagrant literary work--outside business pure and simple--is a drawback +to success, for his record as a man of business was one of the best. + +Of the sterling excellence of Oliver Ormerod's little work, "Th' +Rachde Felley" there cannot be two opinions. It is original in its +conception and in the way it is carried out; full of humour, and racy +of the soil of Lancashire. The popularity of the book was immediate +and great. It rapidly went through several editions, and it has since +had many imitators. Its success led Mr Ormerod to write a second +similar work, giving the "Rachde Felley's Okeawnt o wat he and his +Mistris seede un yerd wi' gooin to th' Greyte Eggshibishun e London e +1862." This, like most other sequels, is not equal to the original, +though if it had been the first to appear it would still have been +noteworthy. + +The following from "A Rachde Felley" is a good example of his humour: + +"Aw seed a plaze koed Hyde Park Cornur, whure th' Duke o' Wellington +lives, him as lethurt Boneypart; 'e's gettin an owd felley neaw. Aw +bin towd as one neet, when 'e wor at a party as th' Queen gan, as th' +owd felley dropt asleep in his cheer, an when the Queen seed 'im, hoo +went an tikelt his face whol 'e wakent. Eh! heaw aw shud o' stayrt iv +hoo'd o dun it bi me. Th' owd chap drest knots off Boney, dident 'e? +But aw'm off wi' feightin; aw'm o fur Kobden an' thame as wantin' fur +to do away wi' it otogethur, fur ther wod'nt be hauve as mony kilt i' +ther wur no feightin. O'er anent th' Duke's heawse, at th' top o' wot +they koen Constitution Hill, aw seed a kast iron likeness ov 'im oppo +horseback, as big as loife an bigger. He'd a cloak on an' a rowlur pin +i' one hond, saime as wimmen usen wen they maen mowfins. Aw' nevur +noed afore wat 'e wor koed th' Iron Duke for. + +"At tis present toime it started o' raynin', an' so aw thrutch'd mi +road as fast as aw cud goo in a greyt creawd o' foke, an' as aw wor +gooin' on, a homnibus koome past, an' a chap as stoode at th' bak +soide on't bekont on me fur to get in. Thinks aw to mesel 'e's a gud +naturt chap; aw gues 'e sees as aw'm gettin mi sunday clewus deetud. +'E koed o' th' droiver fur to stop, an' ax'd me iv aw wur fur th' +Greyt Eggshibishun, an' aw sed, ah, an' wi' that 'e towd me fur to get +in, an' in aw geet. We soon koome to th' Krystil Palus. Eh! wat a rook +o' foke ther wor theere, aw never seed nawt loike it afore, never! Aw +geet eawt o' th' homnibus, an' aw sed to th' felley as leet me ride: +Aw'm very mich obleeght to yo aw'm shure, an' aw con but thank yo, an' +aw wur turnin' reawnd fur to goo into th' Palus, wen 'e turn'd on me +as savidge as iv he'd a hetten me, an' ax'd me fur forepenze. +Forepenze, aw sed, what for? An' 'e made onsur, for ridin', to be +shure, Sur. Waw, aw sed, didn't theaw koe on me fur to get in? But o' +as aw cud say wor o' no mak o' use watsumever, an' th' powsement sed +as iv aw didn't pay theere an' then, he'd koe a poleese as wor at th' +other side o' th' road, an', bi th' mon, wen aw yerd that, aw deawn +wi' mi brass in a minnit. Aw seed as aw wor ta'en in; same toime, it +wor a deyle bettur fur to sattle wi' th' powsedurt, nur get into th' +New Bailey so fur fro whome. Thinks aw ti mesel', iv aw'm done ogen i' +this rode aw'm a Dutchmun." + +Ormerod, like that other genial humorist, Artemus Ward, affected a +peculiar spelling, or rather mis-spelling, of his words, which, in my +opinion, was a mistake. There was no necessity for this. It does not +enhance the humour of his sketches in any special degree, but only +renders him more difficult to read. Dialectical spelling need not +necessarily be bad English. + + * * * * * + +As a writer of Lancashire stories, Waugh is unsurpassed. His pages +overflow with a humour which is irresistible and almost cloys by its +exuberance. But even about his drollest characters there is a pathetic +tenderness which touches the heart. It is not easy, for example, to +read some parts of "Besom Ben" and "The Old Fiddler" without a lump in +one's throat, so much akin are laughter and tears in the hands of this +master. If it were not that his themes are principally the work-a-day +Lancashire folk, and that the dialect limits and muffles his fame, +Waugh would be ranked (as he is ranked by those who know him) as one +of the first humorists of the century. + +Waugh is incomparable in his curious ideas and touches and turns of +expression, ludicrous enough many of them, but all rich in Lancashire +humour and well calculated to excite the risible faculty. Speaking of +a toper in one of his sketches he says: + +"Owd Jack's throttle wur as drufty as a lime brunner's clog." + +Again: "Some folk are never content; if they'd o' th' world gan to +'em, they'd yammer for th' lower shop to put their rubbish in!" + +Oatmeal he calls "porritch powder." + +Again: "Rondle o' th' Nab had a cat that squinted--it catched two mice +at one go." + +Addressing his donkey, Besom Ben said: "Iv thae'd been reet done to, +thae met ha' bin a carriage horse bi neaw!" + +"Robin o' Sceawter's feyther went by th' name o' 'Coud an' Hungry'; +he're a quarryman by trade; a long, hard, brown-looking felley, wi' +'een like gig-lamps, an' yure as strung as a horse's mane. He looked +as if he'd bin made out o' owd dur-latches an' reawsty nails. Robin +th' carrier is his owdest lad; an' he favours a chap at's bin brought +up o' yirth-bobs an' scaplins." + +These are of course the merest example of the many curious sayings and +comparisons that are lavishly scattered through Waugh's pages. + + * * * * * + +Ben Brierley was an adept at telling a short Lancashire story. In +giving expression to the drollest figures of speech he maintained a +mock gravity which greatly enhanced the presentment, whilst the +peculiar puckering of the corners of his mouth and the merry twinkle +in his eye told how thoroughly he entered into the spirit of the +characters he portrayed. His "Ab' o' th' Yate" in London bubbles over +with humour, and it is a true, if somewhat grotesque, account of what +would be likely to arrest the attention of a denizen of that +out-of-the-way village of "Walmsley Fowt" on a visit to the great +metropolis. + +Some years ago I attended a meeting held at Blackley where Ben gave a +number of racy Lancashire anecdotes, told in his own inimitable way. I +may quote one or two of these which are not given in the collected +edition of his writings. + +"Long Jammie wur a brid stuffer, an' it used to be his boast ut he'd +every fithert animal, or like it, ut ever flew on wing, or hung on a +wall. He'd everything fro' a hummabee to a flying jackass, an' he'd +ha' a pair o' thoose last if Billy o' Bobs would alleaw hissel' to be +stuffed." + +"Theau'rt one thing short," Billy said one day as he're looking reaund +Jammie's Musaum, as he co'd his collection. + +"What's that?" Jammie ax'd. + +"It's a very skase brid," Billy said, "Co'd a sond brid." + +"Ay, it mun be skase or else I should ha' had a speciment i' my +musaum," Jammie said. "But what is it like?" + +"It's like o' th' bit-bat gender," Billy said. "It's a yead like a +cat, and feet like a duck, an' when it flies it uses its feet like +paddles to guide itsel'." + +"But why dun they co' it a sond brid?" + +"Well, theau sees, it's a native o' th' Great Desert o' Sara, an' when +it's windy, it flies tail first to keep th' sond eaut o' its een." + + * * * * * + +Billy Kay had had a lot of his hens stown, an' he never could find +eawt who th' thief wur. He'd set a trap, but someheaw it didno' act. +Shus heaw, it never catch't nowt. + +Bill had a parrot ut wur a bit gan to leavin' th' cage an' potterin' +abeaut th' hencote when th' hens wur eaut. But as it had bin brought +up to a soart o' alehouse life, it wanted company. It had learnt to +crow so natural ut th' owd cock wur curious to know what breed it +belonged to. So he invited Pol to spend a neet wi' him an' th' family, +an' gie' th' cote a rooser. Th' parrot went, and they'd a merry time +on't. It wur late when they went to roost, an' they'd hardly had a +wink o' sleep when Pol yerd summat oppen th' cote dur. Then ther a +hont lifted to the peearch, an' one after another o' th' hens wur +snigged off, till it coome to th' owd cock. Pol thowt it wur gettin' +warm, so hoo says to th' owd rooster, "Hutch up, owd lad, it's your +turn next!" Ther no moore hens stown! + + * * * * * + +"Owd Neddy Fitton's Visit to the Earl o' Derby" is one of the finest +sketches in the vernacular; giving, as it does, a realistic picture of +the old-time Lancashire farmer. It is bright with humour, not wanting +in pathetic touches, and with that warm human interest that lends +charm and distinction to the homeliest story. + +Miss Lahee, the writer, was Irish both by birth and up-bringing. +Coming to Rochdale, where she lived for many years, the character of +the Lancashire people and their idiom won her sympathy, and she +studied both to such purpose as to produce not only the story in +question, but a number of other sketches and stories in the dialect. +It is no disparagement to these latter to say that none of them is +equal to her sketch of "Neddy Fitton." This has long been popular in +the county Palatine, and its intrinsic merit is such that it deserves +a still wider circle of readers. + + * * * * * + +Lancashire has from time immemorial been famous for its +mathematicians, botanists, and naturalists among the humbler ranks, +and Crabtree as an Astronomer has his niche in the temple of fame. +There was another worthy of rather a different stamp who professed +acquaintance with that sublime science, Astronomy, though his +credentials will hardly be considered sufficient to justify the claim. +Jim Walton was a well-known character, at one time living at +Levenshulme. Modest enough when sober, when he had imbibed a few +glasses of beer Jim professed to be great in the mysteries of +"ass-tronomy." The names of the planets, their positions and motions +in the heavens were as familiar to him as the dominoes on the tap-room +table, and he knew all the different groups of stars and their +relative positions. One night Jim was drinking in the village "Pub" +with a number of boon companions, topers like himself--and the +conversation, as was usual when he was present, got on to the stars +and other heavenly bodies, on which Jim expatiated at length. A +mischievous doubt, however, was expressed by one of the company, +whether, after all, Jim really knew as much about astronomy as he +professed to do. So, to maintain his reputation by proving his +knowledge, Jim made a bet of glasses round with his opponent that the +_moon would rise at a quarter past nine o'clock that night_. + +Accordingly, about ten minutes before the time named, the company all +staggered out into the backyard to see the moon rise as predicted. + +"Now then, chaps, look here!" cried Jim, "Let's have a fair +understondin'. Recolect, it's on th' owd _original_ moon 'at awm +betting, noan o' yer d----d new ones!" + +Needless to say this was a poser for their bemuddled brains, and with +sundry expletives at Jim and the qualification he had announced, they +all staggered back to their places in the more comfortable tap-room. + +Jim's idea of "th' owd original moon," and his thorough contempt for +quarter and half moons, strikes us as irresistibly funny. We can +imagine the new, vague light that would dawn on the minds of the +half-fuddled roysterers as he announced his reservation in favour of +the whole or none. + + * * * * * + +However prejudiced, as a rule, the British workman may be against the +introduction of labour-saving appliances in the way of automatic +machinery, circumstances sometimes arise when he can fully appreciate +their value and advantages. This will appear by the following +characteristic anecdote:-- + +An Oldham chap, who, for some misdemeanour, had found his way into +Preston House of Correction, was put on to the tread-mill. After +working at it for some time till his back and legs ached with the +unwonted exercise, he at length exclaimed: + +"Biguy! if this devil had been i' Owdham, they'd a had it turned bi +pawer afore now!" + +Another good story of an "Owdham" man is the following: At one of the +Old Trafford County Cricket matches we overheard a conversation that +took place between two Owdhamers. A pickpocket, plying his avocation, +had been caught in the act of taking a purse, and quite a commotion +was created in that corner of the field as the thief was collared by a +detective and hauled away to the police station. Says the Oldham man +to his friend who was seated next him: + +"Sharp as thoose chaps are, they'd have a job to ta' my brass. Aw'll +tell thi what aw do, Jack, when aw comes to a place o' this sooart; aw +sticks mi brass reet down at th' bottom o' mi treawsers pocket, and +then aw puts abeaut hauf a pint o' nuts at top on't; it tae's some +scrawpin out, aw can tell thi, when tha does that!" + + * * * * * + +Pigeon fancying and flying is an absorbing pursuit with many of the +Wigan colliers. Men otherwise ignorant (save of their daily work in +the mine), are profoundly versed in the different breeds and +capabilities of the birds. The training of them to fly long distances +on their return to their lofts and within a comparatively brief space +of time, is a passion which absorbs all their thoughts. + +One such enthusiastic pigeon flyer was lying sick unto death, with no +prospect of recovery. The parson paid him a visit and endeavoured to +turn his thoughts to his approaching end. The casual mention by the +parson of heaven and the angels interested the dying man. He had seen +angels depicted in the picture books with wings on their shoulders. An +idea struck him and he enquired: + +"Will aw ha' wings, parson, when aw get to heaven?" + +"Yes, indeed," replied the parson, willing to humour and console him +as best he might. + +"An' will yo ha' wings too when yo get theer?" + +"Oh yes, I'll have wings too, we'll both have wings." + +"Well, aw tell thi what," said the dying pigeon fancier, his eye +brightening as he spoke, "Aw tell thi what, parson, when tha comes up +yon, aw'll flee yo for a sovereign!" A striking example of the ruling +passion strong in death! + + * * * * * + +It is well known that an admiration for dogs of a high quality, not +less than for pigeons, is a weakness of the Lancashire collier, who +will spend a small fortune to gratify his taste in this direction. A +Tyldesley collier had a favourite bull-pup. This canine fancier with +his dog and a friend were out for a ramble in the fields, and to make +a short cut to get into the lane, his friend began scrambling through +a hole in the hedge. The dog, unable, it may be presumed, to resist +the sudden temptation, seized the calf of the disappearing leg with a +grip which caused the owner of the said leg to shriek with pain. +Despite his frantic wriggles and yells the brute held fast, and its +master, appreciating the situation, clapped his hands in enthusiastic +admiration, at the same time calling out to his beleaguered companion: + +"Thole it, Bill! Thole it, mon! Thole it! It'll be th' makin' o' th' +pup!" + +Another such on returning home and finding that the day's milk had +disappeared from the milk basin, angrily enquired what had become of +it, and receiving for answer from his better-half that she had "gan +it to th' childer for supper!" exclaimed: "Childer, be hang'd! thae +should ha' gan it to th' bull pup!" + + * * * * * + +Some years ago there appeared in _Punch_ sundry sketches of incidents +in the mining districts. These may not all be true in the sense that +the occurrences represented actually took place. But there is a spirit +of truth in them, in that they illustrate a phase of the rudeness that +often accompanies untutored tastes and undesirable habits. + + * * * * * + +The appearance of a stranger in the mining village, especially if he +happens to wear a black cloth coat, is sometimes resented by the +denizens of the place. + +The new curate, a meek-looking individual, had arrived, and passing +the corner of a street where a group of colliers had assembled, one of +them asked: + +"Bill, who's yon mon staring about him like a lost cat?" + +"Nay, I doan't know," replied the other, "a stranger belike." + +"Stranger, is he?" responded the first, "then hey've a hauve brick at +'im!" + + * * * * * + +The same, accosting one of his flock resting on a gate, and wishing +to make himself agreeable, tried to open a conversation with the +remark: + +"A fine morning, my friend," was pulled up with the reply: + +"Did aw say it war'nt?--dun yo' want to hargue?" + + * * * * * + +It is surprising how a person of regular habits feels the lack of any +little comforts and companionships to which he has been accustomed. A +Lancashire collier had lost a favourite dog by death, that, on +Saturday afternoons or Sundays, he had been in the habit of taking +with him for a stroll. An acquaintance sitting on a gate saw the +bereaved collier coming along the road trundling a wheelbarrow. + +"What's up wi' thee, Bob--what ar' t' doin' wi' th' wheelbarrow, and +on good Sunday too?" + +"Well, thae sees," replied Bob, "aw've lost mi dog, an' a fellow feels +gradely lonesome bout company, so aw've brought mi wheelbarrow out for +a bit of a ramble." + + * * * * * + +These stories go to prove that the Lancashire collier is a simple +unsophisticated being, and the following[3] is still further evidence +of the fact: + +[3] Quoted from an article on "Quacks" by Mr R. J. Hampson in the +_East Lancashire Review_ for November 1899. + +"Many interesting anecdotes could be given of the methods adopted by +travelling Quacks. I will relate one respecting the oldest and best +known now on the road, who lately visited a colliery village near +Manchester. He had a very gorgeous show, a large gilded chariot with +four cream-coloured smart horses, and four Highland pipers. He 'made a +pitch' on some land on the main Manchester road side. There was a +severe struggle on at the time between the miners and the colliery +owners. This Quack was asked if he would allow the miner's agent, then +Mr Thomas Halliday, to address the men from his chariot, and he +consented on condition that he (the Dr) should speak before the men +dispersed. This was readily agreed to. He was a man of fine physique, +handsome and smartly dressed. He began: + +"'Aye, I have longed for this day when I should have the honour and +privilege of speaking to a large assemblage of Lancashire colliers. I +left my comfortable mansion and park to come and encourage you in this +fight of right against might. Yes, men, what could we do without +colliers? Who was it that found out the puffing-billy? Was it a king? +Was it a lord? Was it a squire? No, my dear men, it was a +collier--George Stephenson!' (loud cheers, during which the learned +doctor opened a large case and brought out a small round box). He +continued: 'Men, they cannot do without colliers. The colliers move +the world' (and holding up the box of pills, shouted) 'and these pills +will move the colliers! They are sixpence a box. My Pipers will hand a +few out!' _Something_ moved the colliers, for he sold 278 boxes of +pills, and _he_ moved away before morning." + + * * * * * + +The Rev. Robert Lamb in his "Free Thoughts by a Manchester Man"[4] +relates several good clerical stories. He remarks, that, in ordinary +discourse with the poor, it is safest to avoid all flights of +metaphor. We heard of a young clergyman not long ago being suddenly +pulled down in his soarings of fancy. + +[4] In two volumes published anonymously in 1866, but they were known +to have been written by Mr Lamb, sometime Rector of St Paul's, +Manchester. They consist of a number of Essays and Sketches which had +been contributed by him to _Fraser's Magazine_ and they deal chiefly +with Lancashire subjects. + +"I fear, my friend," he said to a poor weaver, to whose bedside he had +been summoned, "I fear I must address you in the language that was +addressed to King Hezekiah, 'Set thine house in order for thou shalt +die and not live.'" + +"Well," was the man's reply, as he rose languidly on his elbow, and +pointed with his finger, "I think it's o' reet, but for a brick as is +out behint that cupboard." + +Sometimes from this species of misconception a ludicrous idea is +suggested to the clergyman's mind, when he least wishes one to +intrude. + +"Resign yourself under your affliction, Ma'am," one of our friends not +long ago said to a sick parishioner, "be patient and trustful; you are +in the hands of the good Physician, you know." + +"Aye, sir," she replied innocently, "Dr Jackson is said to be a +skilfu' man." + + * * * * * + +We are assured that the following incident occurred to a Manchester +clergyman in one of his visits to an old woman in her sickness. He had +been to Oldham and afterwards called on his patient. She was a person +on whom he could make no impression whatever, but remained +uninterested and impassive under all his efforts to rouse and instruct +her. A thought suddenly came into his mind that he would try a new +method with her; so, after stating that he had been at Oldham and thus +detained a short time, he began by giving her the most glowing +description of the new Jerusalem as portrayed by St John in the +Apocalypse; when at length she seemed to be aroused, and looking +earnestly at him, she said with a degree of emotion never before +exhibited by her,-- + +"Eh, for sure, an' dud yo see o' that at Owdham? Laacks, but it mon +ha' been grand! Aw wish aw'd bin wi' yo'!" + + * * * * * + +The late esteemed Bishop of Manchester, Dr Fraser, whose genial and +kindly disposition was well known and appreciated, was one day walking +along one of the poorer streets in Ancoats, and seeing two little +gutter boys sitting on the edge of the pavement busy putting the +finishing touches to a mud house they had made, stopped, and speaking +kindly to the urchins asked them what they were doing. + +"We've been makin' a church," replied one of them. + +"A church!" responded the Bishop, much interested, as he stooped over +the youthful architect's work. "Ah, yes, I see. That, I suppose, is +the entrance door" (pointing with his stick). "This is the nave, these +are the aisles, there the pews, and you have even got the pulpit! Very +good, my boys, very good. But where is the parson?" + +"We ha'not gettin' muck enough to mak' a parson!" was the reply. + +The answer was one which the good Bishop would much enjoy, for he had +a happy sense of humour. Patting the heads of the urchins he bade them +be good boys and gave them each a coin. As he strode along the street +the unconscious humour of the artists in mud must have greatly tickled +him. + + * * * * * + +Yet another clerical anecdote: + +In her charming little volume of "Lancashire Memories,"[5] Mrs Potter +gives a racy story of the new vicar of a Lancashire Parish in an +encounter with one of the natives. She remarks: "There is a quaint +simplicity about the country people in Lancashire, that wants a name +in our vocabulary of manners, as far removed from the vulgarity of the +lower orders in the town on the one hand, as from the polished +conversationalisms of the higher classes on the other; a simplicity +that asserts itself because of its simplicity, and that never heard, +and if it did, never understood 'who's who.' Imagine the surprise of +the new vicar of the parish, fresh from Emmanuel College, Cambridge, +in all the dignity of the shovel hat and garments of a rigidly +clerical orthodoxy, accustomed to an agricultural population that +smoothed down its forelocks in deference to the vicar, but never +dreamed of bandying words with him: imagine him losing his way in one +of his distant parochial excursions, and inquiring, in a dainty +south-country accent, from a lubberly boy weeding turnips in a field, +'Pray, my boy, can you tell me the way to Bolton?' + +[5] "Lancashire Memories," by Louise Potter. Macmillan & Co., London, +1879. + +"'Ay,' replied the boy. 'Yo' mun go across yon bleach croft and into +th' loan, and yo'll get to Doffcocker, and then yo're i' th' high +road, and yo' can go straight on.' + +"'Thank you,' said the vicar, 'perhaps I can find it. And now, my boy, +will you tell me what you do for a livelihood?' + +"'I clear up th' shippon, pills potatoes, or does oddin; and if I may +be so bou'd, win yo' tell me what yo' do?' + +"'Oh, I am a minister of the Gospel; I preach the Word of God.' + +"'But what dun yo' do?' persisted the boy. + +"'I teach you the way of salvation; I show you the road to heaven.' + +"'Nay, nay,' said the lad; 'dunnot yo' pretend to teach me th' road to +heaven, and doesn't know th' road to Bow'ton.'" + + * * * * * + +Certain shrewd remarks are sometimes made which imply a good deal more +than they express. The following will illustrate what I mean. As +justifying the regrettable fact that men who have risen from the +ranks, and, having attained to opulence, are often found to change +their politics, we have heard a "Radical" defined as "a Tory beawt +brass." This is akin to John Stuart Mill's specious saying, that some +men were Radicals because they were not Lords. + +Alluding to the recent death of a person of wealth whose character was +not of the best, a Lancashire man remarked: + +"Well, if he took his brass wi' him, it's melted by this time!" + +Waugh used to tell the story of a man having run to catch a train, and +was just in time to see it leaving the railway station, puff, puff, +puff. He stood looking at it for a second or two, and then gave vent +to his injured feelings by exclaiming: "Go on, tha greyt puffin' foo, +go on! aw con wait!" + +The girl at the Christmas Soiree was pressed to take some preserves +to her tea and bread and butter: "No, thank yo'," she responded, "aw +works wheer they maks it."[6] + +[6] "The image-maker does not worship Buddha; he knows too much about +the idol."--Chinese saying. + +Old stingy Eccles was talking one day to his coachman, who he was +trying to impress with his own super-excellent quality, though he had +never used his old Jehu over-well in the matter of wages. + +"John," he said, "there's two sorts of Eccleses; there's Eccleses that +are angels, and Eccleses that are devils." + +"Ay, maister," responded John, "an' th' angels ha' been deod for mony +a yer!" + +A temperance meeting was being held in a Lancashire village, and one +of the speakers, waxing eloquent, not to say pathetic, exclaimed: + +"How pleased my poor dead father must be, looking down on me, his son, +advocating teetotalism from this platform!" + +One of the audience, interrupting him, rose and interjected: + +"Nay, nay, that'll do noan, mon; if aw know'd thi feythur reet when +he're alive, he's moar like lookin' _up_ than deawn!" + +I was amused with the answer given by a working man to an +acquaintance. He was hurrying to the railway station with a small +hand-bag on "Wakes Monday morning." + +"Wheer ar't beawn, Jack?" + +"Aw'm fur th' Isle o' Man." + +"Heaw long ar't stayin'?" + +"Thirty bob," was the laconic reply, meaning that the length of his +stay would depend on the time his money might last. + + * * * * * + +Lancashire Proverbs are numerous and much to the point, and they +generally inculcate their lesson with a touch of dry humour. + +An expressive saying is that: "_He hangs th' fiddle at th' dur sneck_" +applied to a person who is all life and gaiety when with his boon +companions, but sullen and sour of temper at home. + +Another proverb has it that "_There's most thrutching where there's +least room_." Hence, probably, the Lancashire fable: "The flea and the +elephant were passing into the Ark together, said the flea to his big +brother: 'Now then, maister! no thrutching!'" + +There is quaint wisdom in the saying, "_It costs a deal more playing +than working_." + +"_Th' quiet sow eats o' t' draff_," is another Lancashire proverb of +deep significance as applied to any one who speaks little, but +appears to take in all that he hears, and uses it to his own +advantage. + +When one gets married "_he larns wot meyl is a pound_." + +The safe rule as to food for children, is, "_rough and enough_." + +In choosing a wife the swain is warned that "_Fine faces fill no +butteries, an' fou uns rob no cubbarts_." + +The Lancashire farmer says that, "_A daisy year is a lazy year_," +because when daisies are plentiful in the fields the crop of grass is +usually light. + +Other proverbs tell us that "_An honest mon an' a west wind alus go to +bed at neet_," and "_Fleet at meyt fleet at wark_." "_The first cock +of hay drives the cuckoo away._" + +Attempting to cross a busy thoroughfare in front of a moving omnibus +with an impetuous friend, the cautious Lancashire man will say: "Nay, +howd on! _There's as mitch room behint as before._" And in response to +one who is exaggerating in his language:--"Come! tha's said enough, +thou'rt over doing it, owd lad; _there's a difference between +scrattin' yor head and pullin th' hair off_!" + +When disputation waxes high and hot, the same humorist will say: +"Come, come lads! no wranglin', let's go in for a bit o' peace and +quietness, as Billy Butterworth said when he put his mother-in-law +behint th' fire." + +Of any one whose nasal organ is unusually prominent, in other words, +when it is large enough to afford a handle for ridicule, it is said +that "he was n't behint th' door when noses were gan out!" + + * * * * * + +The etiquette of mourning for lost relations has its ludicrous side. +Many of the working-classes in Lancashire, especially in +out-of-the-way villages, take pride in the style of their funerals. On +such occasions it is usual to have a "spread" in the shape of a "thick +tay" on returning to the house after the "burying," when the relations +and friends assemble and talk over the virtues of the dear departed. +To omit such a provision is looked upon as a neglect of duty not to be +passed over without comment. A ham, boiled whole, and served cold +along with the tea, is the favourite "thickening" on those occasions. + +One matron was much scandalized that her next door neighbour had made +no further provision for the funeral guests than a "sawp o' lemonade" +and a few sweet cakes. + +"Aw 've laid mi husband an' three childer i' th' churchyard," remarked +this censor of her neighbour's conduct, "an', thank the Lord, aw +buried 'em o' wi' 'am!" + +My next story must not be taken as fairly exemplifying the Lancashire +female character, which, indeed is usually of a very different +complexion. It is, however, related as a fact that a poor old fellow +as he lay dying, and who, in an interval of reviving consciousness, +detected the smell of certain savoury viands that were being prepared, +managed in his weakness to say to his better-half who was busy near +the fireplace: + +"Aw think aw could like a taste o' that yo've gettin i' th' pot, +Betty." + +"Eh! give o'er talkin' that way, Jone," was the response, "thae cannot +ha' noan o' this; it's th' _'am_, mon, as aw'm gettin ready for th' +buryin!" + + * * * * * + +There is sarcastic humour in the remark made by one to his friend who +had just buried his uncle, the latter when alive having been something +of a rip: + +"I've known worse men, John, than your uncle." + +"Oh, I'm glad to hear you speak so well of my uncle," was the response +of the other, with just a touch of surprise in his look. + +"Ay," continued the first speaker, "I've known worse men than your +uncle, John, but not so d----d many!" + +The Lancashire artizan, like others in higher station who should, but +do not always, set him a better example, is prone to the occasional +use of an oath, generally a petty oath, to emphasize his speech. It is +an objectionable habit, doubtless, even when no irreverence is +intended. Curiously enough, instead of being employed to express +aversion to the object to which it is applied, the expletive is often +used as a term of endearment. For example, we sometimes hear the +expression: "He's a clever little devil!" applied by a father in +admiration of the budding intelligence of his own little boy. An +anecdote will best exhibit this peculiar turn of speech. + +Some time ago, I had occasion to stay at Stalybridge over night, and +after dinner I left my hotel and took a turn along one of the streets +leading towards the outskirts of the town. It was a fine evening and +the lamps were lighted. At a short distance before me I observed three +working men, as I judged by their speech and gait, dressed in their +best black toggery, and with each a tall silk hat on his head. +Evidently they were returning from a funeral. They were stepping +leisurely along, and, as I neared them from behind, I overheard part +of their conversation. One of them, as he approached a lamp post, took +his hat off, and began expatiating to the others on its quality. + +"Ay," he said, holding the hat at arm's length that it might catch the +rays from the gas lamp overhead, "Ay, aw guv ten bob for this when it +wur new!" (looking at his two friends to note if they expressed +surprise and admiration), "that's mooar than ten years sin'. Ay" +(stroking it with his arm and again admiringly holding it out till it +twinkled in the lamp rays), "Ay, an' th' devul shines like a raven +yet!" + +Another incident in illustration of the same peculiarity is said to +have occurred in the experience of a well-known actor, who, with his +company, while starring it in the provinces, was playing for a few +nights at Wigan. During the daytime Mr ---- took a turn into the +country, and, feeling tired with his walk, called to rest and refresh +at a way-side "Public." As he entered the hostelry he observed in the +sanded drinking room to the left of the passage, two colliers sitting +each with a pot of ale before him on the table. So, instead of taking +the room to the right, which was the more luxurious parlour fitted for +guests of his quality, he turned into that where the colliers sat +conversing, hoping, as he was a student of human nature, to add +something to his store of observation in that respect. He was not +disappointed. + +One of the men was evidently overcome with grief at some mischance +that had befallen him. It turned out that he had just lost by death a +favourite son of tender years to whom he had been fondly attached. The +sorrowing parent leaned with his elbows on the table; and occasionally +stroking his forehead with his hands, or resting his chin upon them, +he would look vacantly into space and sigh deeply. His friend was +endeavouring to comfort him. + +"It's hard to bear, aw know, Jack; but cheer up, mon, an' ma' th' best +ov a bad job." + +"Ah! he wur a fine little lad wur our Jamie! It breaks mi heart to +part wi' him." + +"That's true enough, Jack," responded his companion. "But, what mon! +he's goown and tha connot mend it! Cheer up and do th' best tha con." + +"Ay, ay, aw connot mend it. That's th' misfortun on't. But he wur a +rare bit of a lad wur our Jim!" + +"Well, come, bear't as weel as tha con," patting his friend on the +shoulder. "We's o' ha' to dee some time, keep thi heart up an' ma' th' +best on't. Tha knows tha connot bring 'im back." + +The other buried his face in his hands and remained silent for a time. +Then, suddenly stretching himself up, he struck his hard fist on the +table as he exclaimed: + +"Aw tell thi what, Sam. If it wurn't for th' law, aw'd ha' th' little +devul stuffed!" + + * * * * * + +The Rifle Volunteer movement, with its excellent motto, "Defence, not +Defiance," has stood the test of time, having proved itself to be not +only an ornamental but a useful and even necessary arm of defence, +where, in this free country, a levy by conscription would not be +tolerated. In its earlier stages, however, it encountered much +opposition from many persons, who treated it with ridicule, and took +every opportunity of speaking contemptuously of the "Saturday +afternoon soldiers." This is well illustrated in a good story told by +the late Mr John Bright. Speaking to an old fellow-townsman in +Rochdale about the movement at the time of its inception, when corps +were being formed throughout the country and enrolment was proceeding +briskly: + +"Yea," said the old Lancashire man to Mr Bright, "I always knew there +wur a lot o' foo's i' this world, but I never knew how to pyke 'em out +before!" + +Mr Bright himself had a fund of Lancashire humour which came out at +times in his speeches. He was also quick at repartee, not always +without a touch of acrimony. On one occasion when he was dining with a +well-known Manchester citizen the conversation turned on the subject +of the growth and development of the United States. + +"I should like," said his host, who is an enthusiastic admirer of the +great Republic, "I should like to come back fifty years after my death +to see what a fine country America has become.'" + +"I believe you will be glad of any excuse to come back," was Mr +Bright's wicked remark. + +One of Disraeli's admirers, in speaking of him to Mr Bright, said: + +"You ought to give him credit for what he has accomplished, as he is a +self-made man." + +"I know he is," retorted Mr Bright, "and he adores his maker." + + * * * * * + +In a recent number of the _Spectator_, a writer remarks that "after +reading the drawn-out platitudes of some politicians, how refreshing +it is to find that 'a voice' in the gallery so often puts the whole +case in a nutshell, and performs for the audience and the country what +the orator was unable to do."[7] The remark is much to the point. +Political meetings are often the occasion of a good deal of +spontaneous wit or humour on the part of the audience. A Lancashire +audience excels in repartee at such gatherings, and when the speaker +of the moment is himself good at the game, the encounter is +provocative of mirth. + +[7] "The Use and Abuse of Epigram," _Spectator_, Nov. 4th, 1899. + +Sir William Bailey gives what he asserts is an unfailing recipe for +silencing a hesitating and tiresome speaker. This is for a person in +the audience to shout at the moment of one of the orator's pauses: +"Thou'rt short o' bobbins!" The roar of laughter which follows this +sally effectually covers the orator with ridicule, and any attempt on +his part to take up the thread of his discourse is useless. The +reference to "bobbins" is well understood by a Lancashire audience. +The spinning frames in the cotton factories are fed from bobbins +filled with roved cotton, and when these fail from any cause the +machinery has to stand. + +On the other hand, the worthy knight himself silenced a noisy and +persistent meeting-disturber in a very effective way. Sir William, in +the course of delivering a political speech was greatly annoyed by a +person in front of the platform uttering noisy ejaculations with the +object of interrupting the argument. As it happened, the fellow had an +enormous mouth, as well as an unruly tongue and great strength of +lungs. Sir William, suddenly stopping and pointing with his finger at +the disturber, exclaimed: "If that man with the big mouth doesn't +keep it shut, I'll jump down his throat--aw con do!" at the same time +setting himself as if to take a spring. This had the desired effect +and he continued his speech without further interruption. The real fun +was in the final three words: "Aw con do!" The threat of jumping down +the fellow's throat was not a mere idle threat; his mouth was big +enough to allow of the threat being carried out. + + * * * * * + +At election times some of the drollest questions are put to the +candidates in the "heckling" that takes place after the speech, where +the audience is allowed to interrogate the aspirant for parliamentary +honours. The following occurred in my own experience. A Socialist +candidate was stumping a wide outlying division in North-East +Lancashire, and in the course of a stirring address in the village +school-room he expatiated on the heavy cost with which, as he +asserted, the country was saddled in the up-keeping of royalty. +Amongst other items of expenditure he enumerated the number of horses +that had to be maintained for the royal use, and made a calculation of +the huge quantity of oats, beans, hay and other fodder which the +animals consumed every week throughout the year, with the heavy cost +which these entailed, and he concluded by pathetically pointing out +how many working men's families might be maintained in comfort with +the money. + +Questions being invited, an old farmer, who had been intently +listening to the harangue, rose and said: + +"Maister Chairman, aw have been very much interested wi' the speech o' +th' candidate, and mooar especially wi' that part on't where he towd +us abeaut th' royal horses, an' th' greyt quantity ov oats, beans and +hay ut they aiten every week, an' th' heavy taxes we han to pay for +th' uphowd o' thoose. But there's one thing, maister Chairman, ut he +has missed out o' his speech, an' aw wish to put a question: Aw wud +like if th' candidate wod now tell us heaw much they gettin every week +for th' horse mook!" + +Whether the question was put ironically or in sober earnest it is +difficult to say, for the questioner maintained the gravity of a judge +even in the midst of the roar of laughter that ensued. Probably he was +quite in earnest, and considered that the "tale" was not complete +until credit had been given on the other side of the account for the +residual product. + +During the Home-Secretaryship of the Right Hon. Sir Richard (now Lord) +Cross, the mode of executing criminals was widely discussed in the +newspapers, and created some considerable difference of opinion. At +one of his election meetings in South-West Lancashire, a person in the +audience asked leave to say a word, and convulsed the meeting by +putting this question: "Aw want to know," he said, "an' aw could like +to have a straight answer: is the honourable candidate in favour of a +six-foot drop?" + + * * * * * + +A Member, representing one of the Lancashire divisions, who had for +some reason or other made himself unpopular with his constituents, was +seeking a renewal of their confidence at the general election. He was +giving an account of his stewardship at a crowded meeting, pointing +out how he had devoted his time to the interests of the division; how +he had attended to his Parliamentary duties during the long session, +_sitting up_ night after night recording his votes, when he was +interrupted in his harangue by "A voice from the gallery": + +"We'll _ma'_ thae _sit up_, devil, before we ha' done wi' thae!" + + * * * * * + +Another M.P., dilating on the services he had rendered to "the Borough +which he had the honour to represent," asked, with a flourish of his +arms towards the assembled electors and non-electors, "Now, what do +you think your Member has recently been doing in London?" + +"Aye! there's no telling!" was the response of an honest dame, +suspiciously shaking her head as she sat near to the platform +listening to the orator. + + * * * * * + +Barristers, as becomes their calling, are usually sharp-witted and +often sharp-tongued. At the recent general election the candidates in +the Eccles (Lancashire) division were Mr O. Leigh Clare, Q.C., +Conservative, and Mr J. Pease Fry, Liberal. Mr Clare had finished +addressing one of his meetings when an elector rose and put the +following conundrum: "Mr Fry at his meeting last night stated that Mr +Chamberlain was the cause of the Boer War, and Dr Quayle, one of his +supporters, declared that the war might have been averted by a little +careful diplomacy; will the Conservative candidate give us his opinion +on the statements of these two gentlemen?" + +"Yes," was Mr Leigh Clare's reply, "I shall be only too happy. In my +opinion Dr Quayle should be left to Fry, and Mr Fry should be left to +Quayle!" Judging by the manner in which the sally was received by the +meeting, the answer was eminently satisfactory. + + * * * * * + +The Lancashire dialect occasionally finds its way into the British +Houses of Parliament to point a moral or adorn a tale. Recently Mr +Duckworth, M.P. for Middleton, told with effect the anecdote about Sam +Brooks, and his advice to his brother John, on the latter being asked +to stand as a City Councillor.[8] + +[8] _Post_, page 94. + +Lord Derby ("the Rupert of debate"), many years before, related the +following story in the House, greatly to the amusement of their +lordships. In the neighbourhood of Rochdale a big, hulking collier had +an extremely diminutive wife, who, it was currently reported, was in +the habit of thrashing her husband. + +"John," said his master to him one day, "they really say that your +wife beats you. Is it true?" + +"Ay, aw believe it is," drawled John, with provoking coolness. + +"Ay! you believe it is!" responded the master; "what do you mean, you +lout? A great thumping fellow like you, as strong as an elephant, to +let a little woman like your wife thrash you?" + +"Whaw," was the patient answer, "it ple-ases hur, maister, an' it does +me no hurt!" + + * * * * * + +Lancashire humour, though hilarious, is largely unconscious. The +unconsciousness resting with the originator and the hilarity with the +auditory. In this respect it is allied to Irish more than to Scotch +humour, the former having a rollicking and blundering quality, the +latter being more subdued, pawky, and intentional. The following were +not intended as humorous sallies, and, indeed, they are only humorous +from the point of view of the intelligent observer or listener; that +is to say, the jest's prosperity lay in the ear of him who heard it, +not in the tongue of him that made it. + +During the recent great strike of the Lancashire colliers, coal was +scarce and dear, and those who had anything of a stock in their +backyards had to keep an eye on it to prevent its being depleted by +hands other than their own. One, more fortunate than his neighbours, +had reason to suspect that somebody was helping himself to what +wasn't his own--for the reserve of the precious fuel was evidently +being tampered with. Accordingly, one night he determined to sit up in +the back-kitchen and find out, if possible, whether his suspicions +were justified. Shortly he heard a rustling in the coalbunk in the +yard, and putting his head half out of the window, which he had left +partly open, called out to the depredator: + +"You're pykin' 'em out, aw see!" + +"Nay, thou'rt a liar, owd mon," was the ready response, "Aw'm ta'en +'em as they come." + +The thievish neighbour resented the imputation that he was "picking +and choosing" instead of "playing fairation" by taking the small and +the cobs together. Clearly he was not lost to _all_ sense of honour. +It would hardly have been fair to be picking and choosing under the +circumstances. Beggars, much less thieves, have no right to be +choosers. + + * * * * * + +"Owd Sam," a well-known Bury character, was tired of being domiciled +in the Workhouse and thought he would try and get a living outside if +he could. Passing by the "Derby" he saw Mr Handley, the landlord, +standing on the front steps. Seeing Owd Sam coming hobbling up the +street: + +"Hello!" said Handley, "You're out o' th' Workhouse again, Sam, I +see!" + +"Ay, maister Handley, aw am for sure, aw'm tiert o' yon shop, an' +aw've been round to co' on some o' mi friends, and they've promised to +buy me a donkey; but aw'm short of a cart; and, maister Handley, if +yo' lend me as much as wod buy me a cart, aw'd pay yo back again as +soon as ever aw could; aw want to begin sellin' sond and rubbin' +stones, an' things o' that mak, just to mak' a bit ov a livin', fur +aw'm gradely tiert o' yon shop." + +"Well, well, Sam, but what security can you give me if I lend you the +money?" + +"Aw just thowt yo'd ax mi that," responded Sam, "an aw've been +thinkin' abeawt it, an' aw'll tell yo what aw'll do, maister Handley, +if yo'll lend mi th' bit o' brass, _thae shall ha' thi name painted up +o' th' cart_." + +To fully realise the ludicrous nature of Owd Sam's proposal, it should +be noted that Mr Handley was a smart, dapper, well-dressed personage, +a man of substance withal, who knew his importance as the landlord of +the "Derby," the chief hotel in the town. + + * * * * * + +A tramp between Bolton and Bury accosted an old stonebreaker by the +road side, and asked him how far it was to the latter place. + +"There's a milestone down theer, thae con look for thi' sel'," was the +reply. + +"But aw connot read," pleaded the interrogator. + +"Well, then, that milestone 'll just suit thee, owd lad. It has nought +on it. Th' reading 's gettin' o' wesht off. Go look for thi' sel'. If +thae connot read, that milestone 'll just suit thee." + + * * * * * + +A would-be "feighter again th' Boers" enlisted in one of the +Lancashire regiments, but, before final acceptance, was sent up to +undergo medical examination for fitness. Being rejected by the doctor +on account of the bad state of his teeth, he expressed his disgust and +astonishment by remarking: "Aw thowt as aw'd ha' to shoot th' Boers! +aw didn't know as aw'd ha' to worry 'em!" + + * * * * * + +Socialistic ideas have not taken very deep root among the masses in +Lancashire. Such ideas, indeed, were more prevalently discussed ten +years ago than they are to-day. Admirable as the propagandism is in +many respects, and desirable in every sense as is the amelioration of +the lot of working people, there is a tendency to drifting away from +the saner precepts of its earnest advocates towards the levelling +notions that engage the minds of the more ignorant and unthinking of +its disciples. One of these had read, or been told, that if all the +wealth of England were divided equally amongst the people, the +interest on each person's share would yield an income of thirty +shillings a week for life. Our Lancashire Socialist friend, +expatiating upon the theme to some of his working-men comrades, began +to speculate how he would occupy his spare time when in the enviable +position of having thirty shillings per week without working. One +thing he would do; he would save something out of his allowance and +make a trip by train to London at least once a year to feast his eyes +on the sights of the Metropolis. One of the listeners, however, +demurred to the views expressed, suggesting that the train would have +to be drawn by an engine, that this would require a driver and a +stoker; a guard also would be necessary to manage the train, with +others to attend to his comfort on arrival at his destination. These +would be as little inclined to work, possibly, as himself. This view +of the matter had not struck our leveller, but it was now brought home +to him. So, after ruminating for a moment, and scratching his head to +assist at the solution of the difficulty, he responded: "Well, it +seems that _some_ devils would ha' to work, but _aw_ wouldn't!" That +chap had evidently made up his mind. + + * * * * * + +The genuine Lancashire native is noted for his aptness in conveying +the idea he wishes to express. Referring to a mild and open winter one +of them remarked, speaking to a friend, "I'm a good deal older than +thee, Jim, and I've known now and then for a Summer to miss, but I've +never known a Winter to miss afore." Another, winding up a wrangle +with a relative who possessed more of this world's goods than himself +and assumed airs in consequence, said, "We are akin, yo' cannot scrat +that out!"[9] + +[9] Licet superbus ambules pecunia, + Fortuna non mutat genus. + _Hor. Ep. Carm. IV._ + +Another, quaintly and cautiously expressing his opinion as to the +stage of inebriation reached by his friend, said that "He wasn't +exactly drunk, but one or two o' th' glasses he'd had should ha' been +left o'er till to-morrow." + + * * * * * + +To drop the aspirate is a common failing of half-educated Lancashire +people (though this special weakness is by no means peculiar to +Lancashire folk), and sometimes gives a ludicrous turn to a remark. + +Speaking with a working-man friend of mine about the desirability of +everyone cultivating some pursuit or hobby outside of one's daily +employment: "Ah!" replied my friend, "a man with an 'obby is an 'appy +man!" to which sensible expression of opinion I assented with a smile. +The same person, curiously enough, would put in the aspirate where it +was not required. Looking at the picture of an ancient mansion, he +asked: "Is that a hold habbey?" I have even heard a fairly +well-educated person speak of the "Hodes of Orrace." + +Jack Smith was a well-known Blackburn character in his day. He began +life as a quarryman, rose to be a quarrymaster, and became Mayor of +his native town. Mr Abram, the historian of Blackburn, relates that +"when in February 1869, Justice Willes came down to Blackburn to hear +the petition against the return of Messrs Hornby and Fielden at the +Parliamentary election in the November preceding, Mayor Smith attained +the height of his grandeur and importance. On the morning of the +opening of the Court, the room was thronged with counsel, solicitors, +witnesses and active politicians interested in the trial on one side +or the other. The Mayor, Jack Smith, took his seat on the Bench by the +side of Justice Willes, who found the air of the Court rather too +close for him. He was seen to say a few words in an undertone to the +Mayor, who nodded assent, and rising, shouted in his heavy voice, +pointing to the windows at the side of the Court: "Heigh, policemen, +hoppen them winders, an' let some hair in." As he reseated himself, +Jack added, chidingly, addressing the group of constables in +attendance: "Do summat for yor brass!" Few of the audience could +resist a laugh at the quaint idiom of the Right Worshipful, and even +the Judge's severe features for a moment relaxed into a half smile. + +An incident in _Punch_ has reference to the same failing. The +Inspector had been visiting a school, in which a Lancashire magnate +took great interest, being something of an enthusiast in the +educational movement. In commenting upon the progress of the pupils in +care of the schoolmistress, the Inspector, on leaving, remarked to the +patron of the school: + +"It strikes me that teacher of yours retains little or no grasp upon +the attention of the children--not hold enough, you know--not hold +enough." + +"Not _hold_ enough!" exclaimed the magnate in surprise. "Lor' bless +yer--if she ever sees forty again, I'll eat my 'at!" + +To fully convey the humour of the incident, Charles Keene's picture +(for it is one of his) should accompany the recital. + +At one of the political meetings of the Eccles division, during the +recent general election contest, a working man who occupied the chair, +and prodigal of his _aitches_, in introducing Mr O. L. Clare, Q.C., +the Conservative candidate, convulsed the audience by strenuously +aspirating the two initials of the honourable candidate's name. + + * * * * * + +Some illiterate men, again, are fond of using or misusing big words. +They are content, following the example of Mrs Malaprop, that the +sound shall serve just as well as the sense. For example: you will +sometimes hear an old gardener remark that the soil wouldn't be any +the worse of some "manoeuvre." One that I knew used to talk of +"consecrating" the footpaths. He meant concreting. + +An old mechanic of my acquaintance, who is learned in the mysteries of +steam raising and steam pressure, is wont to dilate on his favourite +subject, and will persist in holding forth on what he describes as +"Th' expression up o' th' steawm." Truly, a nice "derangement of +epitaphs." + +The same, speaking of Lord Roberts' generalship in outflanking the +Boer armies, remarked, "Ay, he's a surprising mon, for sure, is +General Roberts, an' he does it o' wi' his clever tictacs." + +And again: "Aw nobbut wish he could get how'd o' owd Krooger, and send +him to keep Cronje company at St Helens." + + * * * * * + +A confusion of ideas sometimes extends to other subjects. Another +simple friend of mine, relating the treatment he had been subjected to +by a ferocious tramp in a lonely neighbourhood, declared that the +would-be highwayman "Clapped a pistol to mi bally, and swore he'd blow +mi brains out if aw didn't hand over mi money!" Possibly the thief +knew better where his brains lay than my friend did himself. + +An equally ludicrous confusion of ideas is shown in the next example. +Owd Pooter, the odd man who tidied up the stable yard and pottered +about the garden, was troubled with a neighbour's hens getting into +the meadow and treading down the young grass. So, speaking to his +master one day, he said, + +"Maister, I durn't know what we maun do if thoose hens are to keep +comin' scratt, scrattin' i' th' meadow when they liken; we'st ha'e no +grass woth mentionin." + +"Put a notice up," suggested his employer. + +"Put a notice up!" responded Pooter, looking as wise as a barn owl. +"Eh! maister, if aw _did_ put a notice up there isn't one hen in a +hundred as could read it!" + +Another hen story is worth relating. A poultry farmer calling on a +grocer one day was told by the latter that he must be prepared to give +him more than fourteen eggs for a shilling. "The grocers have had a +meeting," said his customer, "and they have come to the conclusion +that there must be at least sixteen eggs for a shilling." The poultry +farmer listened but said nothing. Next time he called he counted out +his eggs--sixteen for a shilling--but they were all very small--pullet +eggs in fact. + +"Hello! what does this mean? How comes it that your eggs are so +small?" asked the grocer. + +"Well, yo see," was the reply, "th' hens have had a meetin' and they +have coom to th' conclusion that they connot lay ony bigger than thur +at sixteen for a shillin!" Evidently the shrewd farmer had profited by +the knowledge that the animal creation, as AEsop has taught us, can +hold converse and come to as sensible decisions as their betters. + +The same owd Pooter, already mentioned, being much out of sorts, +consulted the doctor on his state of health, who, after hearing his +story and making the necessary examination of the patient, recommended +him to eat plentifully of _animal food_. Pooter, looking somewhat +askance, said he would do his best to follow the doctor's advice, but +he feared his "grinders wur noan o' th' best for food o' that mak." +"Try it for a week," said the doctor, "and then call and see me +again." At the expiration of a week Pooter repeated the visit. "Have +you done what I recommended?" asked the physician. "Aw've done mi +best," replied Pooter, "aw have for sure, an' as lung as aw stuck to +th' oats an' beans, aw geet on meterley; but aw wur gradely lickt when +aw coom to th' choppins!" Pooter's idea of "animal food" was the +horse's diet of oats, beans and choppings. + + * * * * * + +Among the ridiculous stories that are told, are the three following, +which are more imaginative than true in their details. The fact of +their invention, however, is a proof that the author possessed a +considerable share of happy humour. The old fellow who went to _see_ +"Elijah," the Oratorio of that name, on being asked if he had seen the +prophet, replied: "Yea, aw did." "Well, what was he like?" "Wha, he +stood theer at th' back o' th' crowd up o' th' platform, an' he kept +rubbin a stick across his bally, an' he groant, and groant--yo could +yer 'im all o'er th' place!" He took the double-bass 'cello-player to +be Elijah. + + * * * * * + +The Wardens of the church at Belmont determined to move the structure +a few yards to make room for a gravel path, so, laying their coats on +the ground to mark the exact distance, they went round to the opposite +side and pushed with all their might. Whilst they were thus engaged a +thief stole the coats. Coming back again to observe the effect of +their exertions, and being unable to find their stolen garments, +"Devilskins!" they exclaimed, "we have pushed too far!" + + * * * * * + +Mother, to her hopeful son standing at the door one night: + +"Come in an' shut th' door, John, what ar't doin' theer?" + +"Aw'm lookin' at th' moon." + +"Lookin' at th' moon! Come in aw tell thae, an' let th' moon alone." + +"Who's touching th' moon?" + + * * * * * + +The Municipal Authorities of a Lancashire town, in laying out a public +park which had been presented by a wealthy citizen, added to its other +attractions a large ornamental lake, formed by damming up a stream +that ran through the grounds. One of the park committee, in the +course of a speech extolling the beauty of the lake, suggested that +they might put a gondola upon it. Another of his confreres on the +Council, thinking that a swan or other aquatic fowl was meant, +responded: "What's th' use o' having only one gondola? let's ha' two +and then they con breed." + +As likely as not this was a stroke of wit rather than a blunder. + + * * * * * + +In Lancashire, as is well known, there are hosts of what are popularly +designated "Co-op. Mills"--cotton factories worked on the joint stock +principle--and many of the mill-hands hold shares, more or less. The +manager of one of these one day encountered a mill-hand "larking" on +the stairs instead of attending to his work, and giving him a kick +behind ordered him off to his room. The culprit turned round, and, +rubbing the affected part, faced the manager with the expostulation, +half comic, half serious: "Keep thi foot to thi sel' and mind what +tha'rt doing; dos't know 'at aw'm one o' thy maisters?" + +He held a five-pound share or two in the concern. + +A praiseworthy devotion to their employer's interests is a marked +feature in many of our Lancashire working-men; and this devotion is +all the more valuable when accompanied with intelligent observation +and the quality of saying the right thing at the right moment. My next +story exemplifies this in a striking degree. + +Jim Shackleton, better known by the nickname of "Jamie-go-deeper," was +a sturdy Lancashire ganger, honest and shrewd as they make 'em, a hard +and steady worker--faithful and staunch and true to his employers. In +his younger days Jim had wielded the pick and spade and trundled the +wheel-barrow, but at the time of which I speak he was the boss or +ganger over a regiment of navvies. He used to speak of puddle and clay +and earthwork as though he loved them. + +Jim was employed on the Manchester Ship Canal when it was in course of +construction--down below Latchford Locks. The Company, as is well +known, had in several places to trench on private property, which had +to be purchased from the owners either by agreement or on arbitration +terms, and some of the owners, not over-scrupulous, valued their lands +at fabulous sums, on account, as was asserted, of their prospective +value, as being favourably situated for building purposes, or because, +as was alleged, of the valuable minerals in the ground. One such claim +was being contested and there were the usual arbitrators, umpire and +counsel, with a host of expert valuers on each side. The owner in this +instance claimed that there was a valuable seam of coal underneath, +and he had set men to make borings on the pretence of finding it. + +Jim, who was employed, as I have said, by the Canal Company, had been +subpoenaed by the owner of the land in question with a view of +making him declare that he had seen this boring for coal going on in a +field which he had to cross daily in going to and coming from his +lodgings in the neighbourhood. Counsel is questioning Jim after being +sworn: + +"Your name is James Shackleton?" + +"For onything aw know it is," replied Jim. + +"And you are employed as a ganger on this section of the Canal?" + +"Aw believe aw am." + +"And you lodge over here?" pointing to a group of cottages shown on a +map of the particular locality. + +"Aw do," answered Jim. + +"And you cross this field" (again pointing to the map) "daily--two or +three times a day--going to and coming from your work?" + +"Yea," was Jim's reply. + +"And in going and coming you have, of course, seen men engaged in +boring for coal?" + +"Noa aw haven't," said Jim in reply, shaking his head. + +"You have not seen men boring for coal in this particular field?" +(again pointing out the place on the map). + +"Noa!" said Jim, stolidly. + +"And yet you live here, and pass and repass this field several times a +day!" + +"Yea aw do." + +"And you actually tell me that you have never seen workmen boring for +coal in this field?" + +"Aw do," said Jim. + +"Now, on your oath, be careful--have you not seen men engaged in +making borings in this field?" + +"Oh! ay," replied Jim, "Aw've seed 'em boring." + +Counsel smiled triumphantly, stretched himself up, and looked round +the Court and towards the umpire with a self-satisfied air. + +"You _have_ seen them boring for coal, then?" + +"Noa," responded Jim with an imperturbable face. + +Counsel fumed. "You have not seen them boring for coal!" (shaking his +finger at Jim). + +"Noa, not for coal. Aw _have_ seen 'em boring." + +"Then what the d----l _were_ they boring for?" + +"They wur boring for compensation!" + +That was sufficient. Jim had landed his salmon, and there was a shout +of laughter in the Court as the discomfited counsel resumed his seat. +Jim was troubled with no more questions. His last answer put the value +of the land on its true basis. Humour is a wonderful lever in aiding +the accomplishment of one's purpose. If Jim had bluntly expressed his +opinion at the outset that this was a case of attempted imposition, +the opinion would only have been taken for what it was worth, and the +result might have been very different. The imperturbable way in which +he led the learned counsel up to the climax, which, when reached, +rendered further argument superfluous, was of the drollest. + + * * * * * + +The Lancashire man abroad does not lose his individuality. He is not +great as a philosopher, and therefore has a wholesome contempt of +foreigners. The world is not _his_ parish as it might be if peopled by +his own kith and kin. This insular prejudice against the foreigner on +the part of our working men is exemplified by a circumstance which +occurred in my own experience. + +When I was engaged in certain engineering work in Brazil, I got out +from Lancashire three skilled men to carry out a contract that I had +in hand. They had been in that country a few weeks, when I asked one +of them how he liked the place. + +"Oh, tidy well," replied he, "it wouldn't be a bad place at all if +there weren't so many d----d foreigners about!" + +Not for a moment recognising the fact that it was _he_ who was the +foreigner, and not the natives whom he affected to despise: a trait in +our character which I fear is not confined to the lower classes, +whether in Lancashire or elsewhere, in England. + + * * * * * + +The ludicrous situation in which Ben Brierley was one day placed was +related to me by Ben himself. One Saturday afternoon Ben was passing +along Piccadilly (Manchester) on the Infirmary side, and seeing an old +woman with a basket of fine oranges before her--three for +twopence--Ben selected three for which he tendered a shilling, having +no smaller coin. The old orange-vendor was unable to change it, but, +unwilling to lose a customer, she whipped up the shilling, saying: +"Howd on a bit, maister, and tent my basket while I goo get change." +Before Ben could expostulate--and, indeed, before he could realise the +position--she was off to seek change for the shilling. For full five +minutes Ben had to stand guard behind the basket. If he had not done +so, its contents would quickly have been purloined by some of the +mischievous lads always hanging about the Infirmary flags. Ben +declared that during the interval, which seemed an age, he never +before felt so ridiculous and queer. The street was thronged with foot +passengers, but fortunately none seemed to recognise "Ab o' th' Yate," +though several stared hard at the respectable-looking orange-vendor. + + * * * * * + +In the _Cornhill Magazine_ (for Feb. 1899) the following examples are +given of the "Humours of School Inspection." + +"A pupil teacher in a Lancashire school was asked to describe the way +in which he had spent his Easter holidays. This was the answer: 'At +Easter I and a companion went to Knot Mill Fair. We did not take much +account of the show except for the marionettes and wild beasts. But we +much preferred the latter, _in cages_, for we were thus enabled to +study the works of God, without the danger of being torn in pieces!'" +"Here," says the writer, "the Lancashire shrewdness is finely +illustrated." + +And here, from the same source, is an instance of the total +annihilation of a smart young Inspector by some intelligent infants in +another Lancashire school. H.M.I. was examining the six-year-olds in +object lessons before the Vicar and his lively daughter, thus:-- + +_H.M.I._ What is this made of (producing a penny)? + +_Children._ Copper. + +_H.M.I._ No, children, you are mistaken; it is made of bronze, which +is a mixture of tin and copper. Now, what is it made of? + +_Children._ Bronze. + +_H.M.I._ And this? (showing a sixpence). + +_Children._ Silver. + +_H.M.I._ Quite right; and this? (fumbling for a half-sovereign, but on +failing to find it, rashly flourishing his seal ring in their faces). + +_Children_ (to the infinite amusement of the Vicar's daughter). Brass! + +_H.M.I._ My dear children, no! It's gold. Look more closely at it, +now--yes, you may hand it round. Now what use do you think I have for +this ring? + +_Little Girl._ Please, Sir, to be married with. (Vicar's daughter +convulsed in the corner.) + +_H.M.I._ No, no! _Men_ don't wear wedding rings. But when your father +seals a letter what does he do it with? + +_Little boy_ (briskly). Please, sir, a brass farden. + +Another good school story is told by the late Rev. Robert Lamb, +already quoted. + +This was also a school examination, and the particular topic the +Apostles' Creed. I may venture to repeat the story without being +charged with irreverence, considering that it is told by a clergyman. +The boys in the class had evidently been drilled in the subject for +some days previously, and each of them had his own special portion to +repeat as his turn came. + +"By whom was He conceived?" the Examiner asked from the book. + +"He was conceived by the Holy Ghost," was the ready answer. + +"Of whom was He born?" was the question to the next boy. + +"He was born of the Virgin Mary," responded the youth boldly. + +"Under whom did He suffer?" was the question addressed to the third in +order. + +"He was crucified, dead and buried," said the boy in a whining, +hesitating tone, as if conscious that all was not right. + +"No, no! _Under_ whom did He suffer? _By_ whom was he crucified?" + +The lad repeated the same words in the same drawling tone. The +question was put a third time, and the same answer returned; when one +of the class, more intelligent than the rest, stepped forward, and, +after a twitch of his frontal lock, and an awkward scrape of the foot, +said, in a tone half supplicatory, half explanatory: + +"Please, Sir, Pontius Pilate has getten th' ma-sles!" Meaning, of +course, that the boy who had been crammed to give the answer to that +particular question was laid up at home of the measles. + +An exacting critic of the story might be ready to object and say that +it was within the right of the Examiner to put his questions to the +boys in an "order promiscuous." Well, I can only answer that he +didn't; besides, it is not the proper thing to spoil a good story by +captious criticism. + + * * * * * + +In the earlier days of gas-lighting an old fellow in a Lancashire town +had the new light introduced into his house. It gave great +satisfaction at first, but later the light began to be troublesome by +bobbing up and down, and at times flickering out. Unable to remedy the +defect he sought the gas office and angrily lodged his complaint with +the manager. The latter promised to send a man to have the lights put +in order. + +"Yo can do as yo liken," replied the complainant, "but after yon box +(alluding to the gas meter) is empty, we'll ha' no mooar!" + + * * * * * + +As an example of ready wit, we have the story of Dicky Lobscouse, a +well-known Leyland character, who was brought up before the "Bench" +for being found drunk and incapable. After hearing the officer's +statement, and the culprit having nothing to say for himself, the +Chairman of the Bench pronounced the sentence usual in such +cases--"Five shillings and costs, or a week in Preston gaol." + +"Thank yo, yor worship," said Lobscouse, pulling his front hair lock +and then holding out his hand, "aw'll tak' th' five shillin an' +costs." + + * * * * * + +The factory Doffers of Lancashire are noted for their love of frolic +and mischief. For the information of readers it may be explained that +the Doffers (the "Devil's Own," as they are sometimes called) are lads +employed in the throstle room of the cotton factory. Their work +consists in removing the full bobbins of yarn from the spinning +frame--hence the name "Doffer," _i.e._ to doff or divest--and +supplying their places with empty bobbins to receive the yarn as it is +spun. This they accomplish with a dexterity that beats conjuring. For +a stranger visiting a cotton mill there is no greater treat than to +see the Doffers at work. + +When the process of doffing is being performed the machine is stopped, +so, to stimulate the boys to greater rapidity at their work and thus +increase the productiveness of the machinery, they are allowed to +spend the intervals between the several doffings in exercise out of +doors, or in any other way they choose, always provided they do not go +beyond ear-shot of the "throstle jobber," who is a kind of "bo's'n" in +this department of the mill, and who summonses them with a whistle to +their work as often as they are required. The quicker their duties are +performed, the more time they have to themselves, hence the amount of +leisure and liberty the lads enjoy. + +It has been suggested that the Doffers are the missing link +desiderated by Darwin; and, judged by their mischievous pranks, one +might almost be led to conclude that such is the fact, for they are +equally dexterous at mischief as at work. Their working dexterity is, +for the nonce, carried into their play. + +I was an eye-witness of a practical joke played by a band of Doffers +upon an unsuspecting carter. He had got a cart-load of coals which he +was leisurely conveying to their destination along one of the +bye-streets; and having occasion to call at a house on the way, he +left his horse and cart standing by the road side. A swarm of Doffers +from a neighbouring factory espied the situation, laid their heads +together for a moment or two, and then came running stealthily up to +the cart, undid all the gears save what barely supported the cart from +dropping so long as the horse remained fairly quiet. Having completed +their arrangements they as quietly retired, and took their stand at a +cautious distance behind the gable-end of a house, whence in safety +they could reconnoitre the enemy. It was an enjoyable picture to me +who was in the secret, and for very mischief kept it, to see half a +score of little, greasy, grinning faces peeping from past the house +end, expectation beaming from every wicked eye. + +The unwitting carter at length reappeared, and, giving a brisk crack +of his whip, had scarce got the "awe woy" from his lips, when Dobbin, +laying his shoulders to his work, ran forward with an involuntary +trot for ten or fifteen yards, whilst the cart shafts came with sudden +shock to the ground, and a row of cobs that had barricaded the smaller +coal flew shuttering over the cart head into the street. Fortunately +no damage resulted--the shafts by a miracle stood the shock. + +The amazement of the victim of the trick may be imagined but scarcely +described. He gazed with open mouth at the catastrophe, and his +fingers naturally found their way to his cranium, which he scratched +in perplexity. The knot of jubilant faces at the street corner in the +distance soon supplied the key to his difficulty. The truth flashed +upon his mind. "Devilskins!" he muttered, and seizing one of the +biggest cobs he could grasp in his hand, he let fly at vacancy; for +before you might say "Jack Robinson," the mischievous elves had +vanished with a war-whoop, and ere the missile had reached the ground, +were probably knee deep in their next adventurous exploit. + + * * * * * + +In the Rossendale district, with which I was acquainted for many +years, I knew some of the quaint old inhabitants, long since passed +away, whose remarks, as well as their reminiscences recounted to me, +interested and amused me, and some of which I have tried to recall. + +Bull baiting was formerly a common sport in Rossendale as in other +parts of the country. A stake was fixed in the centre of the baiting +ground, to which the bull was tethered by a rope, when its canine +tormentors were let loose upon it amidst the yelling of a brutalised +mob. I once, curiously enough, in my own experience, met with an +example of the actual memory of the pastime having survived to a +recent date. An old Rossendale man one day attended a camp-meeting +held in a field at Sharneyford some distance away, and on afterwards +inquiring if he got to the meeting in time, "Yea," was the reply, "I +geet theer just as they wur teein' th' bull to th' stake." Meaning +that the preacher was just about opening the services. Rossendale was +by no means singular in its relish for the degrading practice. The +late John Harland, in his introduction to the "Manchester Court Leet +Records," recounts the fact that in Manchester in former times, +amongst the heaviest fines, or, as they were called, "amercements," on +the butchers, were those for selling bull beef, the bull not having +been previously baited to make the flesh tender enough for human food! +A significant commentary this on the morals and civilisation of our +forefathers. + +To the introduction of water and steampower machinery in the earlier +part of the century, there were no stronger or more bitter opponents +than the Rossendale folks. In the early days, in many of the larger +houses were hand machines for the carding, spinning and weaving of +wool, whilst nearly every one of the smaller houses had its hand-loom. +When the factory system began to be introduced into the district, and +water-power was employed in turning the machinery, the strong +prejudices of the inhabitants found vent in a form of prayer which, in +seasons of drought, ran thus: + +"The Lord send rain to till the ground, but not to turn the engines +round." + +The woollen carding engines are here referred to, these being put in +motion by the water-wheel. + +But times of extreme drought in Rossendale are not of frequent +occurrence. The hills bring down the rain, and in the "Barley times," +as the famine times at the beginning of the century were called, the +people had a saying that there was "plenty of porridge wayter in +Rossendale, if there was only the meal to put into it." + + * * * * * + +Hareholme Mill in the Rossendale valley was one of the first mills, +as well as the most important mill, in the district. It belonged to a +Quaker firm, and was built at the end of last century. The chimney of +the mill, which was erected at a later date, is a curiosity. It +resembles a champagne bottle, with its broad base quickly gathered in +near the centre, and tapering to the summit. The cap or coping of the +structure is an exact copy of a Quaker's broad-brimmed hat, without +doubt intended by the humourist of a builder to exemplify the +religious tenets of the members of the firm. The Ram which surmounts +the belfry, typical of the woollen manufacture, was executed by an +ingenious workman named John Nuttall, and bears an admirable likeness +to the original. An architect from a neighbouring town, criticising it +freely and trying to display his superior taste, expressed an opinion +that the model of the Ram as designed was all very well done excepting +the horns. Whereupon Nuttall naively replied that whatever the merits +of the body of the animal, the horns were just as God had made them. +As a matter of fact they were an actual pair of ram's horns that he +had used. + + * * * * * + +The power-loom breaking riots of 1826 were another exemplification of +the bitter feelings evoked by the application of steampower to the +turning of machinery. The rioters in Rossendale made havoc with the +new-fangled looms, which, they believed, would ruin their trade as +hand-loom weavers and take the bread out of their mouths. Their mode +of procedure on attacking a mill was to place a guard outside, then +the ringleaders entered; first they cut out the warps and destroyed +the reeds and healds, and then with a few well aimed blows they +demolished the looms. On the cry being raised: "Th' soldiers are +coming!" one old fellow cried out: "Never mind, lads, we met as weel +be shot by th' soldiers as clemmed by th' maisters!" + +I have mentioned this circumstance by way of introducing "Long +George," the constable of Bacup during those disturbed times, an +eccentric character whom I knew well. George stood six feet two inches +in his stockings, hence the prefix, "Long" to his name. It was but +little that George and his myrmidons could do to prevent the mischief, +and so, with the instinctive sagacity of the "watch," they wisely kept +aloof from the scenes of outrage and spoliation. + +Long George was a familiar figure in Bacup for many years after being +superseded in the duties as constable by the Peelers or police, as we +now have them. + +At the beginning of his time, when he was village constable, he lived +in Lane Head Lane. On one wintry night, cold and stormy, the snow +drifting heavily, a night when folks could scarcely keep their +nightcaps from being blown off, some young fellows determined they +would play a trick on George. So they waited until they knew he had +got well into bed, and then they went up to his house in the Lane and +thundered at the door. + +George got up, put his head out of the window, and saw two or three +snow-covered figures down below. + +"Whatever dun yo want, chaps, at this time o' neet?" he called out. + +"George, yo're wanted down at th' Dragon yonder, first thing!" One of +them shouted back in reply: + +"What's th' matter theer?" asked George. + +"There's about twenty on 'em yonder feighting o' of a rook, an' if +thae doesn't look sharp and come down and sunder 'em, they'll be one +hauve on 'em kilt!" + +But George was not to be caught as easily as they imagined; he saw +through the trick that was attempted to be played on him, and, +ruminating for a moment, answered: + +"I'll tell yo what yo maun do, chaps." + +"What maun we do? What maun we do, George?" they asked. + +"Go yor ways back to th' Dragon," said George, "an' lay 'em out on th' +tables, as money on 'em as gets kilt, an' i' th' morning I'll come +down an' count 'em," and with that he crashed the window down again, +leaving the discomfited jokers to find their way back to the +bar-parlour of the Dragon as best they might. + +Latterly, George did duty as a bailiff, attending auction sales, +keeping the door, and handing the drink round to the thirsty bidders. +He wore a blue coat with metal buttons, knee-breeches and brown +stockings, with a pair of clogs at least fourteen inches in length, +and a sole an inch and a half thick. He was also adorned with a blue +apron which was usually tucked round his waist, and he wore for years +an old felt hat that had scarcely a vestige of brim left. + +George, when I knew him, lodged with two elderly maiden sisters, Ann +o' th' Kiln and Judie, but he kept his own room in order, and did his +own cooking. One evening George's supper was on the hob, and some +practical jokers, being on the look out, attracted his attention +outside, whilst one of them slipped in and emptied a cupful of salt +into the pot. + +George, on sitting down to his evening meal, found the porridge so +over-seasoned that it was impossible to eat them. He tried again and +again, muttering to himself: "Tha'll ha' to come to 't, George! Tha'll +ha' to come to 't!" but it was of no use, he had to give them up at +last. + +Determined, however, that they should not be thrown away or otherwise +wasted, he got a pudding cloth, and tying them up in this, hung them +from a hook in the ceiling of his room, and instead, thereafter, of +salting his porridge in the usual way, he cut a slice from the +over-salted compound as long as it lasted and put it in the pot, so +saving both salt and oatmeal. By frugality and self-denial George +managed to save a considerable sum of money, and was in the habit of +lending it out on security at good interest. + + * * * * * + +Somewhat akin to this display of frugality was the action of some of +the first co-operators in Bacup. They early followed the example of +the Rochdale Pioneers, their society being established in the year +1847. They had a good deal to learn in those early days, and made +mistakes in buying. One of the mistakes, I remember, was the purchase +of a small cargo of Dutch or American cheeses. These, when they came +to hand, proved to be so hard that a knife blade stood no chance with +them. They were more like "young grindlestones" (as one of the shopmen +expressed it) than cheeses. + +What was to be done? It would never do to throw them away--that was +out of the question. A hatchet would have mauled them and spoilt their +appearance; so Abram o' Bobs, who was equal to the emergency, brought +his hand-saw one night and divided them into a number of saleable +pieces. When cut, they had the appearance of brown ivory, and were +nearly as hard. There must have been some aching teeth and jaws before +those same cheeses were finally polished off! + +It is not often that Rossendale men are so taken in. Waugh in one of +his sketches remarks that the men of Rossendale are "a long way +through." That is quite true as regards many of them. For that reason +they are also a long way round, and it is not easy "coming round" one +of the pure breed. + + * * * * * + +I was amused with a remark made on one occasion by an old fellow best +known by the sobriquet of "Jobber Pilling's feyther." He had a +two-foot rule, and was trying to take the dimensions of a deal board +on which he was at work. The figures on his two-foot, however, were +quite illegible by reason of the blade being either soiled or worn. +Spitting on it, and giving it a rub with his coat sleeve, he looked +shrewdly at me, and remarked: "This thing wants kestnin' o'er again." +Whether he meant that the application of water would improve it, or +that the figures would do with recutting, I don't just know, but the +christening simile would be applicable either way. + +By the way, we often find in Lancashire the sons and daughters having +the names of their father or mother applied to them along with their +own by way of recognition; as for example, "George o' Bob's," "Dick o' +owd Sally's," "Bill o' Jack's," and so on; but this is the only +instance I remember of the father being distinguished by a reference +to the son. Jobber Pilling, the son, was the more pronounced character +in the family, and so the elder representative of the name was known +as "Jobber Pilling's feyther." + +When people are reputed to be wealthy, and especially if they make a +parade of their wealth, it is sometimes said in the vernacular that +"they fair stinken o' brass." Vulgar as is this phrase, it has the +true Chaucerean ring about it. One might almost take it to be a +quotation from the Canterbury Tales. For expressiveness and force it +cannot be surpassed. + +In Rossendale, a red herring is called "a sodjer." + +The stories that are told of some of the wealthier inhabitants of +Rossendale are curious and amusing. "Same as yo, Maister George," has +become a classic saying. It originated thus: The occasion was the +election of a poor-law guardian--an exciting event when political +parties, Whig and Tory, brought out their candidates, and put forth +their strength in the contest. Political feeling ran high then as now, +and guardians were elected on the colour of their politics quite +independently of their special fitness for the position. + +George Hargreaves, Esquire, J.P., was the ruling Tory spirit in the +very heart of the Rossendale Valley in bygone years--a man of staunch +integrity and blameless life, and Tory to the backbone. The voters, +many of whom were dependent on him in various ways because he was a +man of property and an employer of labour, were crowding into the +school-room to record their votes, George himself marshalling his +partizans, and scanning the faces of doubtful supporters. + +"Who are you voting for, Sam?" spoke out Mr Hargreaves to a sturdy +Rossendalean elbowing his way among the crowd. + +"Same as yo', Maister George," answered Sam with a nod, "Same as yo'," +and "maister George" nodded back with a gratified smile. So it is +"same as yo', maister George," when the opinion of any present day +political or other weak-backed inhabitant is in question. + + * * * * * + +A number of stories are related of John Brooks of Sunnyside, and Sam +Brooks, the well-known Manchester banker; John and Sam were brothers. +One of the stories is too good to be lost. When the Act of +Incorporation was obtained for, and government by a municipality was +first introduced into Manchester, it is said that John Brooks was +asked to stand as a Town-Councillor or Alderman. Being doubtful as to +the expediency of taking such a step, he promised to consult his +brother Sam and be guided by his advice. + +Accordingly, he spoke to Sam on the subject, informing him that he +(John) had been asked to take office as a new-fangled Town-Councillor. +What did he think of it? Would it be wise or prudent for him to comply +with the request? + +"Will they pay you for it?" enquired Sammy with a quick interrogative +glance at his brother. + +"O, no!" John replied, "there 'll be no pay for th' job--nothing for +it but the honour of the position." + +"Humph! honour be hanged!" responded Sam, "let me gi'e thee a bit of +advice, John; whenever thae does ought for nought, do it for +thae-sell!" + +On one occasion Mr Sam Brooks had advertised for a dog. Sitting in his +breakfast-room, which looked out towards the entrance gate, he saw a +rough tyke of a youth coming along the drive partly dragging, partly +holding back with a cord, a mongrel-looking brute that had been sent +in answer to the advertisement. + +Mr Brooks, rising, went to the door and accosted the youth: + +"What have you got there, my lad?" + +"A dog that mi feyther has sent." + +"Thae feyther has sent it, has he? Hum!" (The millionaire banker +walked leisurely round the animal and surveyed its points.) + +"How much does thae feyther want for it, my lad?" at length he asked. + +"He wants a sovereign for it." "A sovereign! That's a devil of a +price!" + +"Ay," was the response, "an mi feyther says that this is a devil of a +dog!" + +Doubtless Sam enjoyed the answer of the ingenuous youth, for he +relished a joke, but whether he purchased the uncommon animal at the +price asked for it is another question. + +The following story by Mr George Milner[10] is another added to the +number. It is related of Mr Brooks, that on the occasion of a severe +illness, being told by his physician, at a time when money was at a +high rate of interest, that he must certainly prepare for the worst as +there was but slender hope of his recovery, he answered: "What? die! +and money at eight per cent.? Never, doctor, never!" The idea of +leaving his capital when it was more than usually remunerative was +more than he could bear. + +[10] From an Article, "Table Talk" in _St Paul's (MS.) Magazine_. + + * * * * * + +The following is a tale in a double sense. Rossendale farmers are not, +as a rule, given to practical joking, but an anecdote will show that +sometimes, at least, they can usefully indulge in that pastime. A +certain farmer was greatly perplexed as to the reason of the sudden +illness that occurred from time to time among his beasts, and which in +each case appeared to be the result of fright. To learn the cause of +this he set a watch, when he discovered that a neighbour's dog was in +the habit of running among the cattle and worrying them. This +neighbour was one of his best customers and particularly fond of his +dog, and caution was therefore necessary in approaching him on the +subject. + +The aggrieved farmer spoke to his neighbour one day, told him of his +troubles, and suggested that a cure could be effected by cutting off +the end of the dog's tail, which would, he said, be better than +killing the animal or parting with it. To this the neighbour assented, +and the culprit being secured was held in position by the farmer, +while its owner stood with uplifted hatchet, ready to descend on the +animal's tail. The signal being given, down came the hatchet, when, +lo! instead of the tail-end dropping off, the dog's head was +completely severed; the farmer exclaiming: "By gum! but thad wur a +near do!" and declared that he knew it would cure it. + + * * * * * + +A diminutive hunchback, being out of collar, applied for a situation. +"What can you do, my man?" asked the employer. + +"Well," was the reply, "aw can dreyve a horse and cart." + +"Drive a horse and cart! Why, man, the horse would tread on you." + +"Would he, though?" was the ready response, "He'd ha' to get into th' +cart first!" + + * * * * * + +The inhabitants of the Dean Valley in Rossendale have long been +celebrated for their excellence as musicians, both vocal and +instrumental; and it is from this fact that their appellation of +"Deyghn Layrocks" has arisen. From records more than a century and a +half old, we learn that they were in the habit of meeting in each +others' houses by turns, and practising together the compositions, +sacred and secular, which our country can boast in such rich +abundance. Many pieces of their own composing bear the impress of +ability far beyond mediocrity, and deserve to be more generally known. +Some of these have, indeed, already gone abroad into the world, and +are sung in places widely apart; being admired by those who are unable +to recognise either their origin or authorship. + +I have in my possession a collection in manuscript of no fewer than +fifty sacred pieces, consisting of Psalm tunes and chants, composed by +residents in the Dean Valley, and in other parts of Rossendale. Large +as is this number, I have reason to believe that it is but a +fractional part of what might be collected in the locality. Some of +the names given to the pieces are characteristic of the dry humour of +the authors--a quality which is largely possessed by many of the old +inhabitants of the Forest. Among the list we find "Happy Simeon," +"Little Amen," "Bocking Warp," "Strong Samson," "Old Methuselah," and +"Spanking Rodger." + +In handloom days, when every man's house was his workshop, it was +usual for the Deyghners to repair to each other's houses alternately +after the Sunday's service at the Chapel, and continue their practice +of music far into the small hours of the Monday morning; and, on +rising after a brief repose, the Monday was spent in a similar manner. +Very often the Tuesday also was devoted to the like purpose. But +sound, however sweet, is but sorry food for hungry stomachs, and, +consequently, during the remaining days of the week, the loom had to +be plied with unremitting vigour to supply the ever-recurring wants of +the household. + +It is related of two of the "Layrocks"--father and son--that they had +been busy trying to master a difficult piece of music, one with the +violin, the other with the violoncello, but were still unable to +execute certain of the more intricate movements to their satisfaction. +They had put their instruments aside for the night, and had retired to +rest. After his "first sleep," the younger enthusiast, in ruminating +over the performance of the evening, thought that if he might only +rise and attempt the piece _then_, he should be able to manage it. +Creeping from under the bed-clothes, he awoke his father, who also +arose; and soon the two in their shirts might have been seen, through +the unscreened window, flourishing their bows at an hour when ordinary +mortals are laid unconscious in the arms of Somnus. The lonely +traveller, had there been one at that untimely hour, would surely, +like Tam o' Shanter as he passed by "Alloway's auld haunted Kirk," +have felt his hair rising on end at the sight of two ghostly +individuals scraping music at the dead of night, and in such unwonted +attire. + + * * * * * + +The early Bacup Baptists used to immerse in the river Irwell at Lumb +Head. A story is related of an irreverent wag who placed a prickly +thorn at the bottom of the pool when old "Ab o' th' Yate" was +baptized. On complaining of the injuries he had sustained in the +process of immersion, Ab was consoled by being assured that it must +have been his sins that were pricking him. + + * * * * * + +Richard Taylor of Bacup, the Rossendale "Ale-taster," was a humorist +of the first water. His proper calling was that of a spindle maker, +hence his sobriquet of "Spindle Dick," a rare workman at his trade +when he chose, and in his soberer hours. He was a fellow of infinite +jest, not lacking in sound judgment, but with that kind of twist in +his nature that would never allow him for two minutes at a spell to +treat any subject in a serious mood. In his hands there was nothing +incongruous or far-fetched in the office of ale-taster. Its duties, +incrusted with the antiquity of centuries, came as naturally to him as +though he had been living in the time of the Heptarchy, and was to the +manner born. The incongruity was when he forsook, as he occasionally +did, his ale-tasting duties and applied himself assiduously to his +business of spindle making. + +The appointment of ale-taster took place annually along with those of +the greave, moor and hedge lookers, bellman and officers for the +assize of bread at the Halmot Court of the Lord of the Honor. + +In earlier days the punishment for brewing or publicly vending bad ale +was either a fine or a two hours' seat upon the cuck-stool before the +culprit's own door. The drink, if pronounced by a discriminating judge +to be _undrinkable_, being handed over to the poor folk. + +It is only in a district like Rossendale, that such an interesting +relic of the olden time could have survived. Regularly as the month +of October came round, Dick put in an appearance at the Halmot Court +and was reinstated in his office with due formality. A memorial +presented by him to the Court Leet contains some touches of dry humour +highly characteristic of the man. In this he says: + +"From a natural bashfulness, and being unaccustomed to public +speaking, which my friends tell me is a very fortunate circumstance, I +am induced to lay my claim in writing before your honourable Court. + +"The appointment which I hold is a very ancient one, dating, as you +are aware, from the time of the good King Alfred, when the Court Leet +appointed their head-borough, tithing-men, burs-holder and ale-taster; +which appointments were again regulated in the time of Edward III.; +and through neglect this important office to a beer-imbibing +population ought not to be suffered to fall into disrepute or +oblivion. + +"In Rossendale there are countless numbers of practical followers of +the school to which that illustrious Dutchman, Mynheer Van Dunck, +belonged, and while they imbibe less brandy, they make up for it in +beer. For some Rossendale men, indeed, beer is meat, drink, washing +and lodging: and do away with the office of ale-taster, an inferior +quality of the beverage may be sold, and the consequent waste of +tissue among the working classes would be something awful to +contemplate. Your honourable Court, then, cannot but perceive the vast +importance of my office. + +"At the time when Rossendale was in reality a forest, and a squirrel +could jump from one tree to another from Sharneyford to Rawtenstall +without touching the ground, the office of ale-taster was no doubt a +sinecure; but with the growth of population and the spread of +intelligence in Rossendale there has been a proportionate increase of +licensed public-houses and beer-shops, which has created a +corresponding amount of responsibility in my duties. + +"For three years I have upheld the dignity of your honourable Court as +ale-taster without emolument, stipend, fee or perquisite of any kind. +I have even been dragged before a subordinate Court and fined five +shillings and costs whilst fulfilling the duties of my office. My +great service should receive some slight acknowledgment at your hands, +and thus would be secured the upright discharge of those duties you +expect me to fulfil; and my imperial gill measure, which I carry along +with me as my baton of office, should bear the seal of your +honourable Court. + +"The quality of the beer retailed at the Rossendale public-houses is +generally good, and calculated to prevent the deterioration of tissue, +and I do not detect any signs of adulteration. The only complaint I +have to make is of the quality of the ales sold at Newchurch during +the week in which 'Kirk Fair,' is held; they are not then up to the +mark in point of strength and flavour; but this is a speciality, and +it is the only speciality that I feel bound to comment upon, excepting +that which immediately concerns your obedient servant, Richard Taylor, +Ale-taster for that part of Her Majesty's dominions known as +Rossendale." + +On a later occasion Mr Taylor sent in his resignation to the Halmot +Court as follows: + +"Gentlemen, I respectfully, but firmly, tender my resignation as the +ale-taster of the Forest, an office which I have held for seven years +without any salary or fee of any description. During that period I +have done my duty both to his grace the Duke of Buccleuch (Lord of the +Honor of Clitheroe in which is the Forest of Rossendale) and to the +inhabitants generally. From feelings of humanity I refrain from +suggesting anyone as my successor, for unless he possesses an iron +constitution, if he does his duty to the appointment, he will either +be a dead man before the next Court day, or he will have to retire +with a shattered constitution." + +The Court, however, declined to entertain Mr Taylor's petition, and +reappointed him to the office he had so long filled with so much +credit to himself (though with very questionable benefit) and to the +advantage of the many thirsty souls within his jurisdiction. + +The reference to "Kirk Fair," and to the quality of the ale sold there +on those occasions will be appreciated by those who know the district. +For three successive days the streets of the village are thronged with +a surging mass of people on pleasure bent. As many of these come long +distances in the heat of summer, with their parched throats and high +spirits, they are naturally less critical of the quality of their +drink than at ordinary times; and the publicans, with what amount of +truth beyond the declaration of the official ale-taster, I am not +prepared to vouch, were suspected of taking advantage of the +circumstances to thin down and lengthen out their ales. + +When in discharge of the functions of his curious calling of +ale-taster, Dick carried in his coat pocket a pewter gill measure of +his own fashioning, of peculiar old-world shape, with a turned +ebony-wood handle in the form of a cross that projected straight from +the middle of the side. This symbol of his office was secured by a +leathern thong about half a yard in length, one end being round the +handle, the other through a button-hole in his coat. After a day's +official work he might occasionally be seen, with unsteady gait, +wending his way up the lane to his domicile on the hillside, with the +gill measure dangling below his knee. + +Not unfrequently he had to appear before the Bench for being drunk and +incapable, and though he was sometimes mulcted in a fine, as often as +not some smart sally of wit won the admiration and sympathy of the +"Great Unpaid," who let him down as softly as their sense of duty +would permit. Dick, on those occasions, would declare that it was his +legs only, and not his head, that was drunk. He would assert that, +like a barrel, he was easily upset when only partially filled; but, +when full to the bung and end up, he was steady as a rock. + +At one time in his career Dick kept a beer-house, the sign over the +door being a representation of the Globe, with the head and shoulders +of a man projecting through it, and underneath it the legend: "Help me +through this World!" By way of counteracting any bad moral effects +that arose from his vending of beer on week-days, he taught a +Bible-class in a room over the beer-shop on Sundays. He christened one +of his sons "Gentleman," Gentleman Taylor, being determined, as he +said, to have one gentleman in the family, whatever else. + +Poor Dick Taylor! I always felt grateful to his personality and to the +humour which girt him round. He was a link that bound us to the past; +a kind of embodied poetical idea in keeping with the ancient Forest +and its traditions. I have more than half a suspicion that he must +have been lying dormant for centuries in the muniment-room of +Clitheroe Castle, and, like Rip Van Winkle, awoke at length to resume +his interrupted duties. I never conversed with him without being +carried in imagination back to bygone times, and on such occasions it +was with a half-resentful feeling of annoyance that the proximity of a +later--should we be justified in saying, a higher?--civilization, in +the guise of a smoky factory chimney, dispelled the illusion. + +The post of ale-taster, though still nominally maintained, is in +reality obsolete, and could not be revived, even in out-of-the-way +places, without committing an anachronism. Even in Dick Taylor's day +the office was looked upon as belonging to the past--a relic of a +bygone age, in which a social system, different from the present, +prevailed. It belonged to the days of stocks and pillories, of ducking +and cucking stools and scolds' bridles; of sluggard wakeners and dog +whippers. _Tempora mutantur._ It needed a genial humorist to assume +the duties of the office in this latter half of the nineteenth +century, and a vulgar imitator would find no favour. + +In a wide and populous district the duties, when conscientiously +performed, were more than mortal stomach could bear unharmed, even +though the paunch were like that of Falstaff, which Dick's was not, +and leaving out of account the temptations which beset such an +official. Dick took to ale-tasting as a jest, though he fulfilled his +duties with a mock gravity that enhanced the fun of the situation. +Keen as was his taste for ale, he had a keener relish for the humour +of the position. Alas! it was joking perilously near to the edge of a +precipice. The last of the Ale-tasters died, a martyr to duty, on the +10th day of October, 1876. _Sic itur ad astra._ + +A number of curious legends, not lacking in humour, are current in the +Rossendale district. It is said that some of the youths of +Crawshawbooth village were amusing themselves at football on a Sunday +afternoon in the field between Pinner lodge and Sunnyside House. A +gentlemanly personage, dressed in black, approached and stood looking +at them for some time apparently interested in the game of the +Sabbath-breakers. The ball at length rolled to his feet, and, unable, +perhaps, to resist the temptation, he took it in his hand, and gave it +a kick that sent it spinning into the air; but instead of the ball +returning to _terra firma_, it continued to rise until it vanished +from the sight of the gaping rustics. + +Turning to look at the stranger who had performed such a marvellous +feat, they espied--what they had not observed before--the cloven hoof +and barbed tail (just visible from underneath the coat) of his Satanic +Majesty! The effect of this unexpected discovery on the onlookers may +be imagined. Had the wall round the field been twelve feet high +instead of four it could hardly have prevented their exit. As for the +cause of their sudden dispersion, he vanished in a blaze of fire, and +the smell of the brimstone fumes produced by his disappearance was +felt in the village for many weeks after. + + * * * * * + +Another story of the same personage is the following: At the corner of +the field between Stacksteads and the railway is a large +irregularly-shaped mound made up of earth, clay and coarse gravel. The +debris of which it is composed has probably been washed down out of +"Hell Clough," a depression in the hills immediately opposite, and +deposited at this place at a remote period of time. But there is a +legend connected with it. It is said that before the river Irwell had +scooped out its present channel through the Thrutch Glen--a narrow +gorge about eighty feet wide, through which the river, the road and +the railway run side by side--the whole of the valley extending thence +up to Bacup foot was covered by a vast sheet of water--a great lake +embanked by the surrounding hills. At Hell Clough it is said that his +Satanic Majesty had a country seat and was accustomed to perform his +ablutions in the lake in question. One day the water, swollen by heavy +rains, and lashed into fury by the wind, overflowed its banks at the +Thrutch, ploughing out a passage through the rock and shale which +hitherto had barred its progress. His Majesty of the cloven foot, who +stood upon the edge of the lake enjoying the storm himself had raised, +began to perceive the sudden withdrawal of the water from his feet. +Divining the cause, he slipped on a large apron, and, hastily filling +it with soil and gravel, made with all speed to repair the breach. +But, just as he reached the place where the mound described is +situated, his apron strings broke, and the mass of rubbish which he +carried fell to the ground, where it has lain to this day. + +It is some such tradition of the close proximity of the devil to the +district which has given rise to the saying, quoted by Samuel Bamford: +"There's a fine leet i' th' welkin, as th' witch o' Brandwood said +when th' devil wur ridin' o'er Rossenda." + +The "witch o' Brandwood" was probably concerned in the following +incident. It would appear that the intention of the founders of the +old Church at Kirk was to build it on a site at Mitchellfield-nook, +and that the materials for the structure were deposited at that +place--when one morning it was discovered that the whole had been +transported overnight by some unseen power to the hillside on which +the Church stands. + +Not to be diverted from their purpose, the inhabitants again conveyed +the materials to the place which they had originally fixed upon, and +appointed a watch to frustrate any further attempts at removal. But +one night as the sentinel slumbered at his post--an enchanted sleep, +probably--the unseen hands had again been busy, with similar results. + +A third time the materials were deposited on the chosen site, and, on +this occasion, three of the inhabitants appointed to keep watch and +ward. As these sat toasting their toes at a wood fire they had +kindled, an old lady with a kindly countenance, coming past, saluted +them with a pleasant "good e'en," at the same time offering them each +a share of some refreshment which she carried. This they had no sooner +partaken of, than a profound drowsiness overtook them, ending in a +deep and protracted sleep--from which in the morning they were +aroused by the shouts of the bewildered rustics who came only to find +that the pranks had a third time been repeated. So, yielding to the +decision of a power which was not to be outmanoeuvred, the builders +erected the church on its present site.[11] + +[11] A somewhat similar legend exists in connection with the old +churches at Rochdale and Burnley. + + * * * * * + +Reverting again to hand-loom days, and stepping over by Sharneyford +and Tooter Hill--"th' riggin' o' th' world," as Tim Bobbin called +it--the high ridge separating Rossendale from the Todmorden Valley, by +way of Dulesgate (Devil's gate), where Waugh assisted at the poker +weighing--we may encounter some of the finest examples of Lancashire +and Yorkshire border character, their conversation overflowing with +mother-wit and ready repartee. Speaking of some one who had a "good +conceit of himself," said old John Howorth to me; "there's only three +spoonfuls o' wit (sense) i' th' world, and yon mon has gettin' two on' +em!" + +One old dame, recounting the struggles of poor folk in the days when +there was plenty of law, but a sad lack of justice--not to speak of +mercy--dealt out to the workers, and describing the kind of men and +their head servants who held the noses of the poor to the grindstone +while they themselves were laying the foundations of big fortunes, +spoke thus: + +"Yei, it wur hard work for poor folk i' thoose days. We geet sixpence +a cut for weyving cuts, and in a whool week, working long hours, we +couldna' get through moore nor about nine or ten cuts--for they were +twenty yards long apiece. That would mak' five shillin' a week at +moast; an' when we had finished 'em, we had to carry 'em on our backs +two or three mile to th' taker-in. + +"I con remember my owd mon once takin' his cuts in, and he had tramped +through th' weet and snow on a cowd winter's mornin', and when he had +gettin' his cuts passed by th' taker-in, he axed him if he would gi'e +him a penny to buy a penny moufin to eat as he wur goin' back whoam; +but th' taker-in said to him: 'Eh mon! if I wur to gi'e thee a penny +it would be gi'en' thee o' th' profit 'at our maisters get fro' a cut, +(whereas at the time they were probably making a clear guinea by each +of them). They're nearly working at a loss now by every cut yo +weyving. No, it'll never do to gi'e thee pennies in that reckless +fashion, Jone!' + +"It wur hard work i' thoose days, I can tell thi', to get porritch and +skim milk twice a day, wi' happen a bit o' bacon on Sundays. Once I +had to go fro' near to Stoodley Pike, across Langfield Moor, wi' my +cuts. It were a raw cowd morning, very early, before it wur gradely +leet. An' when I geet to th' taker-in--eh! an' they wur hard uns, +thoose takers-in!--he says when he seed me: + +"'Hillo! are yo here so soon, Betty? Warn't yo fley'd o' meetin' th' +de'il this morning as yo coom across Langfield Moor?' + +"'Nowt o' th' soart,' I said, I wur noan feart o' meetin' th' de'il up +o' th' moor, for I knew th' hangmets weel that I'd find th' de'il when +I geet here!" + + * * * * * + +Saving habits, to a much greater extent than prevail in the larger +towns, are a characteristic of the working people in these outlying +and semi-rural districts. This is accounted for to some extent by the +absence of temptation to the spending of money, and so the habit of +thrift gains in strength by the daily practice of it; just as the +opposite holds good where the opportunities for squandering money and +the temptation to do so are multiplied. + +By reason, also, of the comparative isolation, a more marked +simplicity of character is observable among the people. Rambling with +a friend over the moors above Walsden, we called at a lonely farmhouse +to obtain such refreshments with bread and cheese as the goodwife +might be able to provide. With as much gravity as he could command, my +friend inquired of the damsel who waited on us, at what hour the +theatre opened up there. She hesitated for a moment as though trying +to realize the idea of a theatre, and then with equal gravity and +greater sincerity explained that there was no theatre in their +locality, though occasionally in the schoolroom, some mile and a half +distant, they had Penny Readings in Winter, and at times a Missionary +meeting. + +The theatre is a luxury in which they do not care to indulge very +largely, even if they had the opportunity of doing so. It may be that +the matter-of-fact qualities of their minds have been cultivated at +the expense of the imagination, like those of the youth to whom I +lent a copy of the "Pilgrim's Progress," recommending him to read it, +and believing it would interest him. When he brought it back I asked +him how he had enjoyed the book. His answer was scarcely what I +expected, and it was spoken in a contemptuous tone: "Why," said he, +"it's nobbut a dreyam!" One might be justified in coming to the +conclusion that in this youth there was the making of a hard-headed, +practical Lancashire cotton spinner. + +But the Lancashire operative class are not all lacking in imagination, +as the next incident will show. Chancing to be in London one evening, +and going along the Strand, I came across two old Lancashire +acquaintances--working men--sauntering in the opposite direction. They +had come up on a three days' cheap trip to view the sights of the +Metropolis. Desiring to be of assistance to them in that direction, +and to make myself agreeable, I invited them to go with me to one of +the theatres. This proposal, however, did not seem to attract +them--the theatre was hardly in their line; so, by way of alternative, +and remembering that they were strong politicians, I suggested that +they should accompany me to the "Coger's Hall," at the bottom of Fleet +Street, and listen to a political discussion. This suggestion they +eagerly accepted, and, strolling along, we shortly found ourselves +snugly ensconsed in the discussion forum, each in an arm-chair, a pint +of stout in a pewter on the table in front of each of us, and long +clay pipes in our mouths. The subject of the evening was a burning +political question, and the discussion went on with great animation. I +saw that my friends were enjoying it immensely; at length, nudging one +of them, I inquired: + +"How do you like it, Jim?" + +Taking his pipe from between his teeth, his face beaming with a kind +of solemn satisfaction: + +"Like it," he replied, "it's same as being i' heaven!" + +He had in fact attained to the very acme of enjoyment; comfortably +seated in his chair, enjoying his pipe, his sense of hearing charmed +by the orators' well-turned periods, and, as he expressed it, "he +could sup when he'd a mind!" I have often seen my friends since then, +and I find that that evening spent in the discussion room at Coger's +Hall is marked with a red letter in their memory. + + * * * * * + +"Drufty Ned" was well named, and he had numberless ways of raising the +wind when he wanted a gill with never a bodle to pay for it. One day +he called at Owd Sall o' Croppers, who kept the "Hit or Miss" +beerhouse and sold oatcake baked in Lancashire fashion on a +"bakstone." + +"Let's ha' hauve a dozen o' yor oatcakes, Sall," said Ned, as he sat +down by the fireside and leaned his elbows on the well-scrubbed table +in the tap-room. + +The cakes were brought. "Bring me a gill o' ale, Sall, while aw warm +mi toes a bit." The ale was tabled, and Ned pretending he was short of +change, hands Sall back two of the oatcakes. + +"Here, Sall, take pay for th' ale wi' two o' th' oatcakes." Sall +looked at him dubiously, but took the proffered payment. + +Shortly, Ned knocked on the table with his empty pot, and called for +another gill. This was brought, and Ned handed back two more of the +oatcakes in exchange. + +A third time the order was given, and shortly, Ned, having finished +both his ale and the cakes, began to clunter out towards the door, +calling out, "Good day, Sall." + +"Here!" cried Sall, "tha hasn't paid for th' ale." + +"Paid for th' ale," responded Ned, "aw paid for th' ale wi' th' +oatbrade." + +"Aw lippen thae did," said Sall a bit moidart, "aw lippen thae did, +but aw want payin' for th' oatcakes then." + +"Payin' for th' oatcakes!" replied Ned, looking at the landlady in an +injured way, as though protesting that she wanted to impose upon him, +"payin' for th' oatcakes! Thae's gettin thi oatcakes, hasn't thae?" + +"Yai, aw have," responded Sall. "It's queer, but it'll happen be +reet!" + + * * * * * + +Miss Lahee in one of her amusing sketches points out that in East and +South Lancashire, parents sometimes have their male progeny named in +baptism according to the profession or position they should like +them to attain in after life, hence we find such names as the +following applied to people for the most part in humble +circumstances:--"Captain" Duckworth, "Major" Fitton, "Doctor" Hall, +"Squire" Crawshaw, "Lord" Massey, and even "Canon" Ball. To these may +be added "Lord" Tattersall and "Gentleman" Taylor. One aspiring mother +had her hopeful son christened "Washington," but by some mistake the +name in the register got set down as "Washing done"! + + * * * * * + +"What size was it?" the witness was asked when in the witness box +giving evidence. + +"It was about th' mickle of a piece of chalk," was the answer.[12] + +[12] This is nearly as explicit as the description given by a person +of the hailstones that fell during the thunder-storm. He said that +they varied in size from a shilling to eighteen-pence. + + * * * * * + +In one of the hamlets lying beyond Todmorden, in the Burnley valley, +there was a curious specimen of the Lancashire border character, Hiram +Fielden, who kept a grocer's shop, and dealt also in the other +commodities expected to be inquired for by a village community. In his +younger days Hiram had been a cotton weaver in a mill, but his +ambition was to save a little money, get married, and open a "Badger's +Shop." By the exercise of great frugality, along with the help of the +savings which his wife, Betty, brought him, he achieved his purpose. + +He began business in a humble way at first; but gradually as his +customers increased, his business grew, and instead of continuing to +vend treacle from a two-gallon can, he at length ventured on giving an +order for a whole hogshead at once! The arrival of this consignment +created quite a sensation in the village; the like had never been seen +there before, and the urchins who watched the process of unloading +the precious cask, and saw it safely deposited end up in the corner of +the store, smacked their lips as their imagination pictured the +luscious reservoir of sweets. In the course of the day a further +consignment--this time of whitewash brushes--arrived, and Betty, +mounting a chair in the corner, and thence stepping on to the top of +the treacle barrel, was just in the act of hanging the brushes on the +hook in the ceiling, when the barrel end gave way underneath her, and +down she settled gradually up to the arm-pits into the syrupy mass! + +Hiram, who was busy at the back of the shop, hearing the crash, +hurried in to ascertain the cause, and stood for a few moments gazing +in consternation at the head of his better-half barely visible above +the barrel edge. What was to be done? Ruin and disgrace and ridicule +stared him in the face, but with great presence of mind he ran to the +shop door, closed it, shot the bolt, and then drew down the window +blind. + +Mounting the barrel and securing a footing on its edge, he succeeded, +by the help of a clothes-line which he looped on to the hook overhead, +and which she stoutly grasped, in gradually extricating Betty from her +savoury bath. Carefully he stroked the treacle from her as she rose +ceilingwards, and, that no loss of merchandise might ensue, at the +same time wiping her down with a cloth dipped in a bucket of water; +thus all traces of Betty's misadventure were soon obliterated, and +nobody but themselves was any the wiser. + +Hiram, in recounting the circumstance to me, confidentially, after +long years had elapsed, declared that the run on that hogshead was +immense. It was relished by his customers, old and young, and was the +occasion of more oatmeal being consumed in the village than had ever +previously been known, so that what at first appeared to Hiram to be +an irretrievable misfortune, turned out profitable in more ways than +one. + +"Eh! but, mon," said Hiram, shaking his head, and with a solemn +countenance, "that hogshead o' treacle wur th' ruination o' me." + +"Ruination!" I exclaimed in puzzled surprise. "How do you mean?" + +"Well, yo' see, me and our Betty had been wed for three yer, and up to +then we'd had no childer, but hoo began from that time forrud, and +never once stopped till hoo had thirteen! Eh! that hogshead o' treacle +wur t' ruination o' me!" + + * * * * * + +Mr Milner thus describes and explains a curious old Lancashire custom: +"When a young fellow goes courting his sweetheart on a Friday night, +the neighbours come out and ring a frying-pan to scare him away. The +reason of the practice is clear. Friday is the especial night when in +working men's houses the Penates are worshipped with pail and brush, +and a fellow skulking about the place is an intrusion and a hindrance. +In a quiet street the well-understood sound heard, then all the people +rush to their doors, and probably catch a glimpse of the swain who +loves not wisely but too well, darting down a passage or round a +corner, glad to escape with his face unseen!" + +"Riding the Stang," or pole, is still common in out-of-the-way +Lancashire villages. It is usually resorted to in those rare instances +where a wife has given her husband a thrashing. The neighbours mount a +boy on a "stang," or pole, and carry him through the streets in the +neighbourhood where the incident has occurred. The procession stops at +intervals, and the boy recites the following doggerel rhymes to the +accompaniment of the drumming of pans and kettles:-- + + "Ting, tong to the sign o' the pan! + She has beat her good man. + It was neither for boiled nor roast, + But she up with her fist, an' + Knocked down mesther, post!" + +Some of the older two-storied houses in Bolton at one time were let +out in flats, the upper floor being reached by a flight of about a +dozen or fifteen steps running up outside the gable. These were +generally unprotected by a handrail, and even the landing at the top +was equally unprotected and dangerous. Dick Windle, noted as much for +his reckless character as for his ready wit, was visiting an +acquaintance whose domicile was reached by such a flight of steps as I +have described. They had had a glass or two in the course of the +evening, and, on leaving, Dick's head was none of the clearest; and +although the night was not very dark, yet, emerging from the +gaslighted room, the steps were not easily discernible. Instead of +turning to the right as he came out by the door on to the landing, +Dick strode clean off the landing edge in front of him, and came down +with a crash to the bottom! Happily, except for a severe shaking, he +was unhurt. Gathering himself up, and whilst yet on all fours, he +called out to his friend, who was staring over the landing edge in +consternation at Dick's sudden disappearance: "D--n it, Bill! How mony +mooar steps is there o' this mak?" The prospect of a dozen more of the +same depth before he could reach the street level, might well prompt +the anxious question. + + * * * * * + +Journeying one day to fulfil a professional engagement at Whittingham +Lunatic Asylum near Preston, I arrived at the Junction where +passengers alight to reach the Asylum by the single line of railway +which has been made expressly for the use of that institution. + +It was a bleak winter day, the sleet was driving before a nor'-west +wind, and I turned into the waiting-room at the station to warm myself +at the fire until the engine with its two carriages came up the branch +line. I happened to be the only passenger that had come by the train. +As I sat on a chair with my feet on the fender at one side of the +fire, a sturdy middle-aged man joined me, and seated himself also on a +chair on the opposite side. + +"Good morning," said I, by way of introduction. He looked intently at +me for a second or two, as if to take stock whether I was a possible +lunatic on my way to the House, and then replied: "Same to yo," +bending towards the fire and warming his hands. + +"I suppose that is the Lunatic Asylum that we can see over yonder," +jerking my thumb towards the window through which the Asylum buildings +were visible in the distance. + +"Yai, it is," he replied, again looking intently in my face. + +"There's a lot of mad folk in it, I suppose?" + +"Ay, there is," was the answer. + +"More than two thousand," I remarked. + +"Ay, mooar than two thousand." + +Here there was a pause for a minute in our conversation, when he +blurted out with startling suddenness: + +"Aw'm one o' th' mad 'uns!" + +The information came upon me so unexpectedly, and was conveyed with +such emphasis, and in such gruesome manner, that I could not help an +involuntary start and an instinctive glance towards the waiting-room +door to see whether it was open. Collecting myself, and pushing my +chair back a bit to put a little more distance between us, I resumed: + +"You're one o' th' mad 'uns, are you?" + +"Ay, aw am." + +"You don't look like it, friend," I said. + +"Ay, but aw am, though!" + +"Well, and how do you happen to be here?" I inquired. + +"Why?" he replied, "Aw'm th' asylum poastman. Aw come to meet th' +trains as brings th' poast-bags." + +Just then the lilliputian train from the Asylum ran into the siding at +the station, and my mad friend, shouldering the letter-bags that he +had placed at the waiting-room door, got into the lunatic carriage and +I into the other. The engine whistled, and away we sped down the line +towards the abode of sorrow. + +There was a pathetic humour in the conversation I had had with "one +o' th' mad 'uns," and my reflections turned upon the varying degrees +of madness that afflict not only the inmates of an asylum, but also we +their more favoured brethren outside its walls. + + + + +INDEX + + + A + + Ab' o' th' Yate, 3, 18, 101 + + Abram, Mr, Historian of Blackburn, 61 + + Abram o' Bobs, 91 + + Ale-taster of Rossendale, the, 101, 103 + + Amen, Little, 99 + + Animal food, 66 + + Ann o' th' Kiln and Judie, 89 + + Apostles' Creed, the, 77 + + Aspirate, dropping the, 61, 62, 63 + + Astronomer, Crabtree, the, 21 + + Asylum, Whittingham Lunatic, 128 + + Authors in Lancashire Dialect, 2, 5 + + + B + + Badger's shop, a, 123 + + Bailey, Sir William, 49 + + Ball, Canon, 122 + + Bamford, Samuel, 112 + + Barley Times, 85 + + Belmont Churchwardens, 67 + + Besom Ben, 3, 16 + + Bill o' Jack's, 92 + + Blackley, meeting at, 18 + + Bobbin, Tim, 2, 3, 10, 11, 12 + + Bobbins, thou'rt short o', 49 + + Bocking Warp, 99 + + Boring for compensation, 73 + + Brandwood, witch o', 112 + + Brierley Ben, 2, 5, 18, 75 + + Bright, John, 47, 48 + + Brooks, John, of Sunnyside, 94 + + Brooks, Sam, Manchester banker, 94, 95, 96 + + Bull-baiting in Rossendale, 83 + + Burs-holder, 103 + + + C + + Chaucer, 4 + + Christmas soiree, girl at, 37 + + Clare, O. Leigh, Q.C., M.P., 53, 63 + + Clegg, Trafford, 5 + + Coal strike in Lancashire, 55 + + Coger's Hall, 118 + + Collier, John, 2, 3, 10, 12 + + Consecrating the footpaths, 63 + + Co-op. Mills, 69 + + Coud an' hungry, 17 + + Court Leet, 103 + + Court, Halmot, 102 + + Crabtree, the astronomer, 21 + + Crawshaw, Squire, 122 + + Crawshawbooth Sabbath breakers, 110 + + Cronje at St Helens, 64 + + Cross, Lord, 52 + + + D + + Daisy year, a, 40 + + Derby, Lord, 54 + + Devil of a dog, a, 96 + + Deyghn Layrocks, 98, 100 + + Dialect, antiquity of the Lancashire, 3 + + Dick o' owd Sally's, 92 + + Dick, Spindle, 101 + + Disraeli, Mr Bright on, 48 + + District of Lancashire Dialect, choicest, 1, 2 + + Doffers, Lancashire Factory, 80 + + Dog's tail, cutting off a, 97 + + Drufty Ned, 120 + + Duckworth, Captain, 122 + + Duckworth, Mr, M.P. for Middleton, 54 + + Dulesgate, 114 + + + E + + Eccles and his coachman, 38 + + Election questions, 50, 51, 52, 53, 54 + + "Elijah," the Oratorio of, 67 + + + F + + Factory Doffers, 80 + + Fair, Kirk, 106 + + Fiddler, the old, 16 + + Fielden, Hiram, 123 + + Fielden, Mr, M.P. for Blackburn, 62 + + Fitton, Major, 122 + + Fitton's visit to the Earl o' Derby, 20 + + Flea and elephant, the, 39 + + Foreigners, prejudice against, 74 + + Fraser, Dr, Bishop of Manchester, 34 + + Free thoughts by a Manchester man, 32 + + Friday night courting, 126 + + Fry, J. Pease, 53 + + Funerals of the working classes, 41 + + + G + + Gaskell, Rev. W., M.A., on dialect, 4 + + Gas-lighting, 79 + + Gentleman Taylor, 108, 122 + + George, Long, constable of Bacup, 87 + + George o' Bob's, 92 + + Girl at Christmas soiree, 37 + + Gower, 4 + + Great Unpaid, the, 107 + + + H + + Hall, Dr, 122 + + Halliday, Thomas, 31 + + Halmot Court, 102 + + Hampson, R. J., on Quacks, 28 + + Handley, Mr, landlord of the "Derby," 57 + + Handloom days, in, 99, 114 + + Happy Simeon, 99 + + Hareholme Mill in Rossendale, 85 + + Hargreaves, George, J.P., 93 + + Harland, John, 84 + + Head-borough, 103 + + Hell Clough, 111 + + Hit or Miss, 120 + + Horace, quoted, 60 + + Hornby, Mr, M.P. for Blackburn, 62 + + Howorth, John, 114 + + Humour as a lever, 73 + + Hunchback, diminutive, 98 + + + I + + Image-maker and Buddha, the, 38 + + In handloom days, 99 + + Inspection, humours of School, 76, 77 + + Insular prejudice, 74 + + Irish and Lancashire humour compared, 55 + + Isle of Man tripper, 39 + + + J + + Jammie, Long, brid-stuffer, 19 + + Jobber Pilling's feyther, 92 + + John's uncle, 42 + + Jonson, Ben, 4 + + Justice Willes, 61 + + + K + + Kay, Billy, and his parrot, 19 + + Keene, Charles, picture in "Punch," 63 + + Kiln and Judie, Ann o' th', 89 + + Kirk Fair, 106 + + Knot Mill Fair, 76 + + Krooger, Owd, 64 + + + L + + Lahee, Miss, 5, 20, 122 + + Lamb, Rev. Robert, 32, 77 + + Lancashire character, examples of, 2, 5 + + Lancashire Dialect, antiquity of, 3 + + Lancashire Factory Doffers, 80 + + Lancashire man abroad, the, 74 + + Lancashire memories, by Mrs Potter, 35 + + Lancashire proverbs, 39 + + Landlord of the "Derby," the, 57 + + Laycock, Samuel, 5 + + Layrocks, Deyghn, 98, 100 + + Lectures, Gaskell's, on Lancashire Dialect, 4 + + Leyland character, a, 79 + + Little Amen, 99 + + Lobscouse, Dicky, of Leyland, 79 + + Long George, constable of Bacup, 87 + + Long Jammie, brid-stuffer, 19 + + Lunatic Asylum, Whittingham, 128 + + + M + + Maister George, 93 + + Malaprop, Mrs, 63 + + Manchester clergyman and the sick woman, the, 33 + + Manchester Court Leet Records, 84 + + Manchester Ship Canal, 70 + + Massey, Lord, 122 + + Memories, Lancashire, by Louise Potter, 35 + + Methuselah, Old, 99 + + Milestone, the, 58 + + Mill, Stuart, 37 + + Milner, George, 96, 126 + + Mining village, stranger in, 27 + + + N + + Nab, Rondle o' th', 17 + + Names of recognition, 92 + + Ned, Drufty, 120 + + Nuttall, John, 86 + + + O + + Old Trafford County cricket match, 24 + + Oldham woman and the New Jerusalem, 33 + + One o' th' mad 'uns, 129 + + Orange-woman and Ben Brierley, 75 + + Oratorio of "Elijah," the, 67 + + Ormerod, Oliver, 2, 12, 16 + + Owd Neddy Fitton's visit to the Earl o' Derby, 20 + + Owd Jack's throttle, 17 + + Owd Pooter, 64, 66 + + Owd Sam and Mr Handley, 56 + + Owdham Chap at Old Trafford, th', 24 + + Owdham Chap on the tread-mill, th', 23 + + + P + + Parrot, Billy Kay's, 19 + + Pyckin' 'em out, you're, 56 + + Pigeon-flyer, the dying, 25 + + Pilgrim's Progress, nobbut a dreyam, 118 + + Pilling's feyther, Jobber, 92 + + Pioneers, Rochdale, 90 + + Pooter, Owd, 64, 66 + + Porritch powder, 17; + water, 85 + + Postman, Whittingham Lunatic Asylum, 128 + + Potter's Memories, Louise, 35 + + Power-loom breaking riots of 1826, 86 + + Preston House of Correction, 23, 79 + + Proverbs, Lancashire, 39 + + Put a notice up, 65 + + + Q + + Quacks, R. J. Hampson on, 28 + + Quiet sow, th', 39 + + + R + + Rachde Felley in London, the, 12, 13, 14 + + Recognition, names of, 92 + + Riding the Stang, 126 + + Riggin' o' th' world, th', 11, 114 + + Riots of 1826, power-loom breaking, 86 + + Roberts, General, 64 + + Robin o' Sceawter's feyther, 17 + + Rochdale Pioneers, the, 90 + + Rodger, Spanking, 99 + + Rondle o' th' Nab's cat, 17 + + Rossendale loom breakers, 87 + + Rough and enough, 40 + + + S + + Sall o' Croppers, 120 + + Sam, Owd, of Bury, 56 + + Samson, Strong, 99 + + School Inspection, humours of, 76, 77 + + Scotch and Lancashire humour contrasted, 55 + + Shakespeare, 4, 9 + + Shackleton, Jim, and boring for compensation, 70 + + Ship Canal, Manchester, 70 + + Shooting or worrying th' Boers, 58 + + Simeon, Happy, 99 + + Sixteen eggs for a shilling, 65 + + Smith, Jack, of Blackburn, 61 + + Socialist, a Lancashire, 59 + + Sond brid, the, 19 + + Spanking Rodger, 95 + + Spenser, 4 + + Spindle Dick, 101 + + Stalybridge man and his hat, 43 + + Stang, riding the, 126 + + Staton, J. T., 5 + + Steam pressure, 64 + + Stuart Mill, 37 + + + T + + Ta'en 'em as they come, 56 + + Taker-in, the, 115 + + Tattersall, Lord, 122 + + Taylor, Gentleman, 108, 122 + + Taylor, Richard, the Rossendale ale-taster, 101 + + Thrutch, the, 111 + + Tim Bobbin, 2, 3, 10, 11, 12 + + Tithing-men, 103 + + Touching th' moon, 68 + + Tramp and the stonebreaker, 58 + + Treacle barrel, the, 124 + + Tummus and Meary, John Collier's, 2, 10 + + Tyldesley collier and his bull-dog, the, 21 + + + U + + Unpaid, the Great, 107 + + + V + + Volunteer movement, 47 + + + W + + Walmsley Fowt, 18 + + Walton, Jim, the astronomer, 21 + + Ward, Artemus, 16 + + Warp, Bocking, 99 + + Waugh, Edwin, 2, 5, 16, 17, 37, 91, 114 + + Wheelbarrow, collier and, 28 + + Whittingham Lunatic Asylum Postman, 128 + + Wigan collier and his boy, 45 + + Willes, Justice, 61 + + Windle, Dick, 127 + + Witch o' Brandwood, 112 + + Working man going to the Isle of Man, the, 38 + + Worrying or shooting th' Boers, 58 + + Wycliffe, 4 + + + Y + + You're pykin' 'em out, 56 + + Young grindlestones, 91 + + + PRINTED BY + TURNBULL AND SPEARS, + EDINBURGH + + + + +Transcriber's Note: + +Inconsistent and archaic punctuation and spelling retained. + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Lancashire Humour, by Thomas Newbigging + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK LANCASHIRE HUMOUR *** + +***** This file should be named 39968.txt or 39968.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/3/9/9/6/39968/ + +Produced by sp1nd, Mebyon, Matthew Wheaton and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This +file was produced from images generously made available +by The Internet Archive) + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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